The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1871-05-04
WIT AND HUMOR.

anywhere for It. I havn't got weak
back"
--"Mr Brown why do you wear that
bad hat2" because, my dear sir,
Mrs. b VOWS she won't go out Of the
house with me till get a new one"
In describing a new organ, a rural
editor says: The swell died away in
a delicious sufcation, like one singing
a sweet song under the bed d-clothes."
"A New York school teacher is &C.
cused Of being drunk, because he read
from the Bible, "And the cock wspt
thrice, and Peter went out and crew
bitterly"
In a brief temper ance article the
other day, Western paper attempted
70 say something about "the chief
point in the BATTLE" but the perveree
types got it "the chief pint in the
bottle"
"A couatryman going into the
Probate Office, where the wills are kept
in huge volumes on the shelves, asked
if they were all Bibles. "No, sir"
said one of the clerks; "they are only
testaments."
"A man who'd maliciously set fire
to barn. said good old Elder Poy-
son, land burn up a stable full of
horses and cows, ought to be kicked to
death by jackass, and I'd like to be
the one to do it,"
Love induced Texas girl to
poison her father the other day be-
cause he refused to permit her to mar.
ry the man of her choice. A stomach
pump saved the old man, and an elope-
ment saved the girl.
Somebody advertses for agents
to sell work entitled "Hymeneal In.
structor." A contemporary adds:
"The best hymeneal instructor We
know of is young widow. What she
don't know there is no use in learn
ing"
"A citizen of Connecticut, being
unexpectedly called upon to address
Sunday School, rose to his feet in
some confusion, and, after several des.
psrate and vain efforts to say some.
thing appropriate, hoarsely murmered,
my dear children, never fool with
powder.
"A Poser.-A cain, blue-eyed, self
composed and sslf-poised young lady
in village "down East received
long call the other day from a prying
old spinster, who, after prolonging her
stay beyond her own conception of the
young lady's endurance, cayue to the
main question which had brought her
thither:
The Warsaw New Yorker tells a
little story at its own expense. Recent
ly it advertised for copy of its own
issue for July 7, to complete a file,
and an appreciative lady subscriber,
who carefully preserves her papers, re-
minded, the publisher that he had
patriotic or lazy spasm that week, and
shipped one issue because Of the &C.
currence of the Fourth OF July, cir
cumstance which had entirely escaped
his memory.
"Ive been asked good many. times
if you were. engaged to DR.. C.
Now, if folks inquire again whether
you are or not, what shall I tell them I
think /"
"Tell them" answered the young
lady, fixing her calm blue eyes in un-
blushing stcadiness upon the inquisi.
tive features of her interrogation, "Iell
them that you think you don't know;
and you ale sure it is none of your
business"
"A traveller in the "Far West" tells
a story of rural philosopher who had
somewhat advanced in years without
learning much Of the mysteries of ma
ture. What knowledge the old gen.
tleman had CLEANED, was entirely indie.
pendent of science. He didn't know
whether microscope was ''somethieg
to eat, or a new-fangled farming ma
chine..' A young friend, fresh from
school, once paid him a visit and was
very anxious to enlighten the old man
on the wonders of the microscope,
specimen of which he carried about
him. While the old philosopher was
preparing a frugal meal in the field at
noon, the youth produced his micro.
scope, and explained its operation,
which he illustrated by exhibiting its
power upon several aeas, and divers
minute atoms Of animate matter at
hand. To his surprise, the aged pupi!
did not manifest much establishment,
and stung by his Indifference, he de-
tailed to him how many scores OF