The Van Buren press., 1871-06-13
The Darwinian Theory.
The Monkeys Hear Of 1t and are Agitatsd
il Consequeace-Ihey Hold an
Indignation Meeting.
fGris In the Cincinnati Times.l


Indignation Meeting.
[Gris In the Cincinnati Times.
Darwin's theory concerning the descent
of man is creating tremendous sensa
ton among the monkeys. They have
lust heard ofit, and are terribly exercised
They repudiate the whole theory. That
man descended from them they consider
a slur on the entire monkey race.
A cage OF John Robinson's monkeys
held an Indignation meeting over the
matter the other day, after the perform
anco. A venerable chimpanzee, whose
gray hairs entitled him to distinction,
was make chairman, and sitting in n
swing presided with the utmost dignity.
He got little excited in his speech as he
took the chair, but this was pardonable
under the circumstances. +" What" ex-
claimed this venerable baboon; "man
lescoga4l :rco tsi ] F,pr,lidste the
idea with scorn. True VIC have our faults.
1--WE are accused Of cutting up monkey
shines sometimes, and not without cause,
but this attempt to make us father the
human race is altogether too much. Is
it not enough that poverty requires us to
travel around the country in this manner
to make livelihood to exhibit ourselves
to Gaping men, women and children, at
So much head (when two thirds Of them
haven't any head ut all to speak of, with
out having it flung in our faces that we
originated the pack of fools styled men =
lis remarks were received with every
expression Of delight possible to tht
IL onkey. Some stood Oh their pyramid
lal heads, Others hung by their tails, while
others threw 1iphaps from one end ofthe
cage to the other.
a monkey who had travelled much and
seen great deal, and who had probably
used the cats paw to pull more chesnuts
out OF the fire than any other monkey OF
his age, next addressed his fellow monk
cys
Said he: "This Darwin has inflicted q
disgrace upon us that no monkey of any
sell respect will hesitate to resent |
fling his base iusinuations back into his
teeth A wild chatter Of applause
Ii man was indeed descended from us,
what fall was lheie, my coun.rymen
Prolonged howls Of derslon Ii had
this base slandercr Of our racc-this Oar
in, who ddr'-ton fame by tradicing US
would r.r.r.r.reni hin in pieces W ia
these pentadactylous hands, and whip
him to death with this preheIslle tail !!
Immense cheering
The chairman interrupted the speaker
to reinin him that no puns, would beal
lowed. Nobody but men perpetrated
puns, and pun was altogether beneath
the dignity Of any monkey who had the
least respect for himself. The speaker
promised to be more guarded in The fu
ture, and proceeded with his remarks
Look at the follies men pcrpetrate
every day. Did you ever know monkey
to make such fool OF himself as they
do? Did you ever know Il monkey to
buy ticket TO menagcre aud go staring
around and making remarks about better
people than himself Did monkey ever
get drunk, or talk about his neighbors,
or wear plug hat (unless it was fastened
ou his head by dctestablc ring master) J,
or sue for divorce, or lace, or color hls
whiskers, or go into bankruptcy, or cheat
the printer, or get elected councilman, or
run bar account, or eat hash, or--or
run for Congress- Never" Screams
and screeches Of assent.
Man descended from the monkey,
indeed If we were descended from man
it would be sufficiently disgraceful. get
ashamed when think there Is a posi-
b,lity of n connecting link, Look nj them
in their political conventions In our
most idiotic nomcnts did VIC ever yell
and howl as they do?
Look at them in Congress. "A whole
menageric on drank couldn't behave
worse. And where did they get it,
They didn't get it from us, that is sure
thing.
The key to their cusscd nonsense is
not the monkey. An admonishing
shake Of the head from the president ]
Mr. Darwin must seek for his ancestry
elsewhere, and let the monkey alone. He
might perhaps trace it to tue beasts OF
the field or the birds of the air, or (what
is more likely) the jackass' ~
Tremendous applause followed his
speech. After some further remarks on
the, part Of distinguished monkeys of like
tenor, the meeting passed n series Of res
olutions utterly rcpudiating the Darwin
ian theory, and adjourned.