The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-03-31

Hannah"
And dead BEATS on every side,
II the "skunks" will not alter rtheir manners,
dout care q 'cuss," "let em Slide"
To keep dry-live on Goldfish.
Waiting maids-elderly spinsters.
How was Jonah punished Whaled.
Drawing-room-. apartment of dentist
Some lovers 'quarrels end with asmack
A stirring ad dventure-brewing bowl
of punch.
Maxim-A poor man is to be avoided
he lacks principal.
A doctors motto is supposed to be
"patients and long suffering"
A high churchman-A Frenchman up
in balloon.
"A lass am no more,"-as the girl
said when she was married.
A Vermont man who lately tried to
starve out disease, had funeral at the
house Of his widow.
The Bessemer process of making steel
is said to have added 81, 200, 100000 to
tho wealth of Great Britain.
Every plain girl has one consolation
though not n pretty young lady, she
will, If she lives, be pretty old one.
"Setting man-trap' is the title Civ
en- to picture of pretty young lady
arranging her curs at mirror.
A CHICAGO widow who has buried
two husbands, insists that the law Of
the land entities her to third.
AN Illinois highway robber got forty
cents from tho victim and eight years
from the judge.
GETTING into debt, is like a mouse.
getting into trap-very easy going in,
but extremely difficult getting out
az HAVE very little respect for the
ties of this world" as the chap said
when the rope was put around his neck.
Young women should set good exam.
pies, for the young men are always fol-
lowing them.
Always do as the sun does-look at
the bright side of everything; it is just
as cheap and three times as good for
digestion.
"What have you to remark, madame,
about my singing ?" said a gentleman
to a lady. Nothing, sir. replied the
lady, its not remarkable"
There is something to immitate even
in the uncivilized Cinnamon They cele-
brate their holidays by paying their
debts, forgiving their enemies, and
"shaking hands all round"
"Don't beat your carpets" says
humanitarian /; "try kindness and firm
ness, and if that don't keep them down,
send for a policeman and have them
taken up"
The heather Chinee is making whis-
key in California by fermenting old rice
and rubber shoes and things, and the
revenue people are after John. The
whiskey made this way is much sought
after by suicides.
~ have this afternoon been preach
ing to congregation of asses," said
conceited young parson. "Then that
was the reason you called them beloved
brethren, replied a strong min ded
lady.
"Mammy," said little fellow, just
big enough to gobble doughnuts, but
baby brother, of whom he professed
to be very fond-very! Nanny |!
ifthe Lords gotany more babies to give
away, don't yOu take EN- !"
Lord Dundreary has just given his
opinion with regard to that much vexed
question-marriage with a deceased
riage with deceased wife's thithter is
very proper and very economical, be.
cause when fellah marrieth his de-
theathed wife's thithter, he-he hath
only one mother-in law.
Irishman had been convicted of rob.
berry at the Old Bailey sessions, for
which he was brought up, with others,
to receive the judgement Of death. The
prisoner, on being called on by the Off
Ger of the court in the usual way to de-
clare what he had to say why sentence
of death should not be passed upon him,
advanced to the front of the deck, with
vacant stare, and inquired:
"What was the question ?"
You have been convicted frobbery.
What have you to say why sentence of
death should not be passed upon you
according to law?
Faith" answered the prisoner, "
have nothing much to say, except that
/ do not think | am safe in yonr hands" "
The court laughed sentence was
passed, and the prisoner was about to
retire, when the officer of the court call.
ed him back and demanded TO know
his age.
as it my age ye mane?"
what is your age?"
81 believe am pretty well as ould as
ever III be-"
Again the whole court was convused
with laughter; but the wretched man
whose mirth-loving powers were quite
involuntary, was doomed even at the
scaffold to "set the people in roar
In the press-room his irons were re
moved, and his arms confined witt
cords. This being done, he seated him
self, and in spite of the calls of Jack
Ketch and of the sheriffs to accompany
them in the procession, clung to the
bench where he had taken up his posi-
tion.
"Come," at last urged the hangman
"the time has arrived"
But the Irishman would not move.
"Tbe officers are waiting for you,'
said the sheriff. "Can anything be don,
for you, before you quit this world ?n
No answer was returned. Jack Ketcl
grew surly.
he "df sdiJy' you won't CO. must carry YOU
:. g.: Then he, 3 you IL may said the prisoner
"Why not ?" inquired a sheriff.
81 will not be instrumental to m,
own DEATH" answered the prisoner.
"What do you mean?" aked thu
ordinary.
"What do / name? retorted the hap
less man /" name that I'll not walk /,
my own destruction.n
And in this determination he persis
ted, and was carried to the scaffold
where be was turned off, refusing to do
anything which might be constituted
into "his being a party to his owl
DEATH"