Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-02-10
Innth fut Juutnrisfs.

Some ingenious biped has ma
chine to make man rise carly in the
morning. \ young Benedict says a
six months-old baby can beat it to
death.
Who can blame men for not want
ing to hold babies. when they read
that at Prescott. Massachusetts,, Oh
Tuesday night, j. G. Smith, while
holding a baby, fell dead from his
chair.
What should man carry with him
when calling upon his affianccd? At
lection iii his heart, perfection in his
manners, and cORfection in his peck
cts.
When is a traveller from New York
to Liverpool like John G.. Whittier:
When he gets sea sick and becomes
d contributor to the At!oHtic. Friends
of the family are invited to attend.
In street car, only one place was
vacant between two very vOluminOuS
ladies'. a Gentleman presented him
self to occupy it, himself of colossal
proportions, and looked with anxiety
at the meagre space. You have
nothing to seat yourself with, Mon
sieur," said one of the ladies', ma
king herself as small as possible
20, yes, | have plcnty-but l don't
know where to put it,
An honest German used to boast
that he could take a mug Of beer at
one swallow. Some of the boys just
TO try him, dared him to do it, one |
night, having first slyly put defunct
mouse in the mug Hans ''downcd"
the whole business, at one fell swO0p. |
and sat quietly wiping his lips. How |
did it 90 Uncle?' said the boys, in
chorus. ''It.vas goot," replied the
old man. but" he continued, as
if he lad just thought of it. Il tinh
there vas a tam big hop in de bot
t ,m."
Bridget, in reply to a remark o
her mistress that she Lad put toe
much garlic into the omelet, replied
that she did it so that it would no.
taste so strongly of the eggs which
were bad. Jones aays it reminds
HIM of what Horace Greedy told hin
coniden' tally. once: that lis object !
III writing 50 oorly, Was to conceal
his bad spelling.
A gentleman residing some mile
from the city, according to an en-
change. has been in the habit of fire.
quentIy sending his waiting boy with
the buggy back home, with the f.
lowing message: Tell my wife I'm
caught on that ID jury again. -
The boy well knew. however, that the
Jury" was anything but myth; l.
tended to cover up prolonged spree
One day Joe was seat to the city f
t.r some necessary arti les. II.
boy fell in with his friends. got cIeva
ted and tcp-hc. Wy, and pit ned out of
he buggy. The morse aud buggy a:
rived home all right. but the boy did
not make his appearance until next
lay. With stern cOuntcnance oul
Jury man called the boy up and dc
mandcd why he did not come up al
The proper time. Fore God, Massa.
| was cotched on de id jury
BoPSAwYEE's IDENTITY ToI,sav
yer, 4 Boston commercial hub. Wei
nto a New York bank. with a check
The teller didn't know him and
wouldn't honor it. Topsawyer wen:
in a rage, to get somebody to identi
fly him. FOrlu lately he met Gllloon
rho knew him. So back they went.
Mr.. Teller" said Top. allow me Il
make you acquainted with Mr.. Ga;-
!oons-lrm John Galloons. of Murrl
Street" ''Ilow do you do. SIR
said the teller. ''ThiS is all right
said GaIloons, pompouslv. "This is
Mr. Topsawyer, of Boston, and |
know him." THAT may he. ST."
said the teller to Balloons. but ]
don't know you." "Wha-wa-what r.
said Topsawyer. boiling over at the
second refusal, Don't You know him:
What do you mean by that? Hprn':
] just introduced you!.,'
\ young gentleman of eight wears,
being advised and treated by i, fa-
Their to chat old piece of advice
''Know thyself," politely Informed
the old gentleman that he didn' care
about Increasing the list of his "a
quaintances.
Sml the was telling some friends
about a wonderful parrot, hanging in
/ cage in the door of a store on State
street. why" said he THAT par
rot ries Stop t'icf.' so naturally,
chat every time | hear it, | always
stop Now. hing it, wha are you all l
'aughing about?'
The cow" said an CT gineer, ''was
square on the track. The !
locomotive struck her al threw her
ten feet high over fence. She land
ed plump on her feet, and srange to
say, she wasn't hurt bIt." but
didn't she look scared!" inquired a
listener. well, don't know wheth-
er she was SCARED or not, but she
lookel a good deal discouraged. "
I've have just been dining off
goose" said the judge. 1T was
prime" ''IIow many were there OF
your asked a friend. Two "
''Twor' Eyes, two" repeated the
Judge little confused; myself, and a
the other goose"
A verdant Cape Colder. upon see
ing locomotive for the first time,
threw up his hands. exclaiming, by