Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-11-14
; LaI2acb for HaJaasOa'Ists.

Let2ecs for HatnaOrists.
A California milkman is said to have left
can of water by mistake at a customers house,
and the customer never discovered the error.
Young men, if you will use religion and to-
bacco both in church, by all that S musical don't
spit in the hymn book, is the advice given by
Western paper.
"Our children will have an immense tax on
their hands," said a gentleman. 80, horri-
ble!' exclaimed an elderly lady. "What a
blessing We have nails on ours
A gentleman who got home night or two
since, in an elevated condition, tried to per-
suade his wife that his desultory gait was ow-
ing to the fact of his being dressed in diagonal
clothes.
"Come here, you mischievous little rascal,
you" Won't you lick me, father?'' mo"
'Will you swear you won't? Eyes" '"Then
| won't come father, for parson Atwood says,
that he who swears will lie.'
A poor fellow one day, while painting with
asthma, was almost deafened by the noise of
brawling fellow who was selling oysters below
his window. 1.-THE extravagant rascal" said
he, ''has wasted as much breath as would have
served me for month. -
A Berkshire county papa put it thus to his
daughters beau "Jim, if you want Lu you
can have her, but don't want you hanging
around unless you mean business 1t you in
tend to marry her, hurry up, for [ can't be
kept awake nights much longer"
One of our vicinity deacons nearly captured
five boys who had been devastating his chest
nut trees, Sunday afternoon Shaking his fist
after their retreating forms he angrily shouted:
1.-THE sneaking little devils IF had hold of
'em one minute I'd" and then suddenly spy
ing his pastor on the scene, he impressively ad-
ded, I'D pray for en-"
A GIFT.-A Bavariau officer 10 France found
one of his men cleaning chicken. Halo I"
cried he; fellow where did you get that chick
en-? Don't you know that stealing has been for
hidden, on pain of death?' IA peasant wo-
man gave it to me, was the answer. And
what did she say?' well, she didn't say
much she only cried p
Come here, my boy" said an attorney to
boy nine years old. The boy came and asked
lawyer answered IA case between the people
and the devil-which do you think will be most
likely to gain the action p The boy replied
Il guess it will be pretty hard squeeze-the
people have the most money, the devil the
most lawyers.
Out in the sunshine two sons of Africa were
enjoying themselves, listlessly stretched on the
courthouse steps. All at once one of them,
after an immensely of scratching, produced
something from the back of bis neck, and with
a satisfied air placed it down and stamped on
it 'What is that, Jake" said the other, "a
fea?' Jake arose, and with defiant air said,
"a flea do you think am id dog? No
it's louise.
whats the matter, Uncle Jerry ?" said Mr..
-, as old jeremiah r. was passing by, growl-
ing most furiously.
Matter? said the old man, stopping short;
why, here have been Juggling water all the
morning for DR.. G. S wife to wash with, and
what d. we suppose [ got for it 2"
why, suppose about ten cents, answered
''Ten cents She told me the doctor would
pull tooth for me sometime.
A wretch out in California who has courted
almost every manageable woman 10 that State
without success, vents his spleen as follows,
fortunately for him he is perfectly bald already:
ga baby is not beautiful. 1t is big-headed,
mal-formed of limb, misshapen of trunk, bloat-
ed and puffy as to couutenance, and compare
lively hairless as to scalp. A baby is not good.
1t is selfish, wantonly cruel, thong htless, gree
dy and ungrateful. 1t is immodest moreover,
and is always executing some shocking atrocity.
A baby is not personally cleanly it revels in
dirt, and takes sharp delight in being grimy
and smutted Of cheek, sticky of palm, soiled
in its raiment, and generally ill-smelling. |
[ write these several indictments more In sor-
row than In anger, and confident In the justice
and truth of them, invite discussion. Sir, |
know you the facts are as above stated. Mad |
an, you know it.
A DISTRESSING CoNUNDRUM.-A debating |
society, not far from Greenville, after deciding |
that "Gooses is more destructive than rats,
has the following question up for elucidation
Eff man plants watermllllOn seed next |
to his fence, and this ere watermillion seed |
sprouts up into watermillion vine, and that
ere Watermillion vine grows and meanders
through that ar fence into another man lot
adjacent: and 10 that other man, lot so ada
cient, that ere watermillion vine that sprouted
from that watermilllon seed and meandered
through that ar fence into that other mans
lot adjacent tharin, consolidates and homolo-
gates into watermillion-to which of these
ere men did that ar watermllllon, SO homolo-
gated and promulgated belong? To the man
that planted that ere watermillion seed that
meandered through that ar fence into that ere
mans lot adjacent, and thar so consolidated
into watermillion Or to the man who owned
this ERE lot so adjacent, whar was so promul-
ylted the watermillion that so exergitated from
nat ar watermillion vine that neandered thro'
his ere fence and so sprouted from that ar
gatermillion seed that ere man thar planted?
TANNING OF THE BRIDEGROOM. MIR. Spill
nan had Just married second wife. On the
Law after the wedding Mr.. S. remarked:
II intend, Mrs. Spillman, to enlarge my
larry.
"You mean our dairy, my dear, replied
No quoth Mr.. Spillman, 81 intend to en-
arge my dairy" - y
ESay our dairy, Mr. Spillman. /"
''No, my dairy.
''Say our dairy, say our screamed she,
eizing the poker.
''My dairy my daryl yelled the husband
''Our dairy our dairy ~ screeched the wife
each word by blow on the back
If her cringlng spouse. :
Mr.. Spillman retreated under the bed. In ,,
passing under the bedciOthes his hat was brush !
ID off, He remained under cover several min :
ltes, waiting for lull in the storm. At last 7
lis wife saw him thrusting his head out at the
DOT of the bed, much like turtle from its
hell.
''What are you looking for?'' exclaimed the
ady.