Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1871-04-06
who ever saw the deacon's sign manual
could tell that at a glance"

ter-or worse. I've forgotten which.
The fact is, no man is safe in swear
ing to his signature-not even Horace
Greeley to his own-for no man writes
signature twice alike, althou hhe may
preserve the characteristics. And l
would give very little for the testimony
of an sseXpert" unless backed by pretty
strong collateral evidence. It would not
be, difficult, ordinarily, to indentify u
body OF writing, such as page or even
a dozen lines, but to decide as to the
genuineness of single word or sigma
ture is more than should like to do if
eitherlife or happiness depends UP on it.
A Wag DiscOurses of Queen Eliz-
abeth.
Here is the latest outbreak of eccen-
trio humor:
Queen Elizabeth is dead. 1t doesn't
make any matter how we got the infor-
nation. This is none of our fight-this
quarrel between the Associated Press
and its rival. We've received the news,
and that's enough. She died two hum
dred and siXty-eight years ago the
tWenty-fourths of last month. She sur
vived until theovitsil spark had fed,
and thenShe saw it was of no use re-
sisting the inscrutable decree of fate,
and so her unfettered soul took its fight
into the mysterious void, and settled
down in that bourne from which no
traveller returns unless he has a mission
to jerk chairs around and rap on tables
for the benefit of mediums and other
Ilong-haired, wild-eyed lunatic5. -,
Qaeen Elizabeth was virginia ver-
gin on seventy; and yet the fire gleam-
ed as brightly as ever in her cream col
ored eye, and the delicate sheen of her
finely tinted maroon nose contrasted as
forcibly as in her youth with the alabas-
ter of her brow; and the plugs in her
teeth were Just as valuable as when gold
was at 156.
She had no small vices. She did not
smoke, or chew, or belong to the socie-
| ty for promotion of cruelty to animals.
And when she swore, she never de-
scended to the vulgarity of Horace
Greeley-Queen Elizabeth didn't
When she used profanity, she gave it
with finish, and elegance, delicate
airy grace, and infused into it a luXuri-
GUS abandon, and rounded it off care
| fully at the corners, and dressed 1T up
| Will Ncll SClCObCN- ROCbIOs1 dNJSSti -;
so that it sounded like strain from
some sweet singer, like some sweet
singer straining himself, in fact. And
she had red hair.
Her chignon was burglar proof. And
often, in the dim twilight of evening,
when the sun had sunk to rest, when
the Western sky was filed with tender
radiance and lambert light, and the
bulbul wooed the rose in the back yard, +,
she would play few notes upon her
harpsichord or write Latin hymn or
an essay upon the Harrison boiler. She
was supposed to be the author of Crock
Me to Sleep, Mother" and Beautiful
Snow" and "Five O'Clock in the
Morning." But nevertheless she was
very estimable woman, and with all
her faults we love her still-better, in
deed, than if1she were still foOiing
around. ~ 1its4 = uffssstteth
Queen Elizabeth was not proud. She
always insisted upon cleaning her own
teeth, even if she was queen; and she
always did it once week, every Sun
day morning, with her own tooth
brush. What a lesson does it teach to
those that are naughty and vain, and
belong to the bon ton! She never for
got that she was mere perishable dust,
and that the sheep and the silk worm
wore her fine clothes long before she
got them. She read every Sunday
School book that taught these facts,an
she once, trod on Sir Walter Raleigh's
cloak to remind him of them because
he was SO set up with his new casSi-
meres. She said upon her death-bed
that Lydia Thompson need not learn
/ this lesson, because it had no moral foi
those vino browsed round in Natures
simple garb.
Queen Elizabeth was not sorry to die,
She foresaw that George T. Train was
coming to England, and she said to hel
physicians that she would prefer the
lenduring peace of the cold and silent
grave to three weeks of George and the
Alabama claims controversy and the
Schleswig-H HolStein question all at the
same time. Her last words were, skill
Horace Grealey before he has chance
to write 'sNNhat Know About Farm
ing" There was not dry eve in that
5 tsecond-story front window. Everybody
was thinking how impossible it was tc
: fulfil her dying request, and to escape
: SO much misery.
Il But she has now gone; she has left us
1--we shall see her no more. Perhaps it i;
for the best. She was vigorous wo
, man, and if she had lived she might
have come to America, and we might
have given her offence, and she might
/ have pranced around here and fogget
[ us like the very nation. For she was {
woman who followed closely in all the
2 prevailing fashions. And so we arr
glad she is dead, and has four tons o
z marble planted on her to hold hel
, Jldown.
J, Rest in peace, old girl! Rest il
elpieces! ms 0aFE2rv ST