Fayette County herald. [volume] (Washington [Washington Court House], Fayette County, O. [Ohio]) 1860-1???, 1871-07-27
Humorous Paragraphs.


Remember, when incited to slander, that 1t
is only he among you who Is without ain that
may cast the frat stone.
An enterprising farmer. in order TO supply
the msrket with fresh eggs, brings his hens
along and lets them lay in the wagon on the
way.
False eyebrows are quite in vogue. They
are made so that they bristle with indignation,
or droOp in sympathy They are said to hasten
proposals.
Boader-"This tea seems very weak, Mrs.
skimp." Landlady-"W guess it must be
the warm weather feel weak. my self; in fact,
everybody complains"
An unprovoked attack made by Detroit
man upon inofensive goat resulted in vic
tory for William in one round, and permanent
stOmaoh-a0he for the attacking party.
A Parson, reading the funeral sermon at the
grave. forgot the sex Of the deceased, and asked
one of the mourners, an Emeralder. ''Is this
brother or sister ~ ''Nayther." replied Pat.
'only cousin"
A little boy who had been making the air
melOdiOus with his uproaring crying was asked
what was the matter, to which he replied;- =
"I've got the stomach AXE, and I'll have it
again If I've mind to"
In Chicago, it is proposed to abolish the
light house at the mouth of the Chicago River
as an unnecessary: expense, ''the sense of smell
Of the pilots being all that is requisite to enable
them to make the hasbor."
ais your brother-in law really such lazy
man7p asked one gentleman Of another. LA
zY?" was the reply, why he's SO lazy that he
has an artist employed by the month to draw
is breath with a crayon."
''shall help you to alight?" said a young
gentleman to bouncing country girl. who
was preparing to jump from a carriage in front
of his office. ''Thank you SIR sweesly replied
the girl, "but don't smoke"
A Yankee was walking with su Irishman on
the road to New York and thinking to roast
his companion, said to him: There would you
be now, Paddy. if the devil had his dus7''
"Faith replied Paddy, "I'd be walking by
myself to New York.
A merry, light-l .rteaIdsmselru h;pg into
colored citizens arms at Savannah, exclaimed,
"oh! you are my long lost brother" She soon
discovered her mistake, and rushed off in
confused manner, accompanied by her long
lost brothers pocket-book.
A Yankee in England being annoyed by the
constant boasting of the superiority eff English
girls, finally silenced laudation by declaring
that ''they had gal in Boston only eleven
years old swhe could -ehew gum in seven
different Languages vita her eyes shut s.
A lisplng mother. who had presented her
infant atsthe baPtismal- fount for christening.
on being asked by the clergyman, what
narne2n res ponded in whisper. 'sLuthy, ,thir.' Z
when to the horror of the whole congregation
and the CONSERVATION Of the mother, he christ
ened the baby, "Lucifer."
Josh Billings says:-''Most emmy man will
conceed that it looks foolish to see boy drag
a heavy sled up hill for the feetin' plesher Of
ridin' down again; but it appears to me that
the boy is sage by the side of the young man
who works hard all the week, and drinks his
wages on Saturday night"
The Mayor of St. Joseph. Mo-, gave per-
mission to a citizen to kill two dogs which
annoyed him, and the next morning the Mayor
found two of his own dogs dead with his own
arrant of PERMISSION for their killing pinned
on their bodies. Though he hasn't exactly got
the hydrOphobia, that Mayor is mad.
rural New York youth lately went to claim
his bride, and conduct her to the alter, only to
find that she had eloped and married another
fellow the previous night. He did not tear his
hair any, nor commit suicide, nor drink
whisky. but just remarked, " By Jove, I'm glad
she was married last night instead of tonight
if she is of that disposition
In the museum at Cassel, Germany, is
libarary made from 500 European trees The
back of each volnme is formed of tie bark of a
tree, the sides, of perfect wood, the top of
young wood, and the bottom of old When
opened, the book is found to be box. con-
tainlng the flower, seed, fruit and leaves of the
tree. either dried or initiated in wax.
According to the London papers, Miss
Lydia Thomson, in her efforts TO organize
new blonde brigade for American operations,
is securing the United Kingdom fer beauties.
There is no limit set to the personal charms of
| the new company but its artistic ability is
shadowed in the notice that all these sweet
creatures are to play second" to Lydia
| Thompson
An agent for large life insurance company
in New York called some time since on a
gentleman with the hope of insuring his life.
On asking whether the gentl eman was not de-
sirons of taking out life policy, he was met
with the reply that if the company could in
sure him in the future state, he was peafectIv
willing. This seemed to be poser; but the
agent promptly replied that he was sorry to saw
bis company was prevented by its charter from
issuing any fire risks.
The venerable Peter Cooper said id a recent
address; 1t did not take long for mo to learn
that drunkenness was the parent of the larger
| portion of the poverty. vice and crime which
| afhict the American people; and hence, until
advancing age seemed to demand moderat.
stimulants, I,carefuly avoided nlcholie liquors 8
as the greatest curse of the young. and the
most deadly foe to domestic happiness. and the
public welfare
Not many months ago some ladies of un-
certain age met at friends house out West for
a social afternoon. and there was general
vowing that they never would get married, DC.
But one, wiser or more outspoken than the rest.
interrupted their fervent exclamations with:
Talk to me about woman's rights. We have
all the rights desire, if the men would
only propose. You may say what you choose
about 1t, but do know if the right man comes
along and makes me an offer, l won't be at
your next old maids dinner She was mar
ried last week.
On certain occasion Henry Ward Beecher
preached sermon on the injustice of obliginp