Saint Mary's beacon. [volume] (Leonard Town, Md.) 1867-1983, 1871-06-08
THE DARw1NrAN THEORY.

Darwin's theory concerning - dsseesl
Of man Is creating . tremendod1 ssunnxipr
atnong the monksys. They havs iasl
heard Of i. and are terribly ex6rs;ssi. -
They repodiate the whols theory. Thal
man descended from tAem -thsy eide
q slur on the entire monkey ~.
A cage Of John Rebsnsouao msnkeyu
held IN indignation meeting ov1t ~ nst-
ter the other day, after the pazhrnanee.
A venerable ehsinpsbsee, whoso nsay hair
entitled him 10 the distinct;oa, - ns.de
chairman, and. sitting IN . suilI, prsui.
ded with the utmost dignity. e - Z
little excited in his speech asE1D stssk ~
chair. but THE ma pardeas1 1lars,R -
circumstances. v61I. III e!.snsod fSia
venerable baboon; s'man descended from
ns! I repudiate the idea with scorn.-
True. We have our faults.
"We are accused Of cutting up monkey
shines sometimes, and not without causes,
but this attempt to make Us father on us
the human race is altogether too much
Is it not enough that poverty requires us
to travel around the country in this man.
ner to make livelihood; to exhibit our
selves to gaping men, women and chill
drcn, at so much = head. (when two
thirds Of them haven't any head at all to
speak of, without having it flung in our
faces that we originated the pack of fools
styled meni"
His remarks were received with every
expression of delight possible to the mon
key. Some stood on their pyramdial
heads, others hung by their tails, while
others threw fipdaps from one end Of the
cage to the other.
A monkey who had Travelled much and
seen great deal and who had probably
used the eats paw to pull more chesnuts
out Of the fire than any other monkey Of
his age, next addressed his fellow mon
keys:
Said he: "This Darwin has inflicted
disgrace upon us that no monkey Of any
self-respect will hesitate to resent. I
fling his base insinuations back into his
teeth! 4 wild chatter Of applause II
man was indeed descended from US, what
. fall was there, my countrymen! PRO
longed howls Of dcrision.l If I had this
base slanderes Of our race-this Darwin.
who dar'@ia fame by traducing us-I
would r-r-r-r-rend him in pieces with these
pentadactylous hands. and whip him to
death with this prehensible tail!" [Im-
mense cheering.)
The chairman interrupted the speaker
to remind him that no puns would be a.
lowed. Nobody but men perpetrated
puns. and pun was altogether beneath
the dignity Of any monkey who had the
least respect for himself. The speaker
promised to be more guarded in the fu-
ture. and proceeded with his remarks.
Look at the follies men perpetratc
every day. Did you ever know q mon
key to make such fool Of himself as they
do? Did you crer know monkey to buy
a ticket to a managcric and 20 staring
around and making remarks about better
people than himself? Did monkey ever
get drunk, or talk about his neighbors,
or wear plug hat (unless it was fastened
on his head By detestable ringmaster).
or sue for divorce, or lace, or color his
whiskers. or 60 into bankruptcy, or cheat
tho printer, or get elected councilman, or
run bar account, or eat hash, or-or
run for Congress? Never ~ screams and
schreeches Of assent.
MAN descended from the monkey, in
deed! If we were descended from man
it would be sufficiently disgraceful. I
get ashamed when l think there is a pos
sibility Of q connecting link. Look at
them in their political conventions. In
our most idiotic moments did We ever veil
and howl as they do?
Look at them in congress. A whole
menagerie on drunk couldn't behave
worse. And where did they get itY-
They didn't get it from Us, that is sure
thing. The key to their cussed nonsense
is not the monkey. An admonishing
shake Of the head from the President. i
Mr.. Darwin must seek for his ancestry
elsewhere, and let the monkey alone. He
might perhaps trace Is to the beasts Of the
field or the birds of the air, or (what is
more likely the jackassr'
Tremendous applause followed his speech.
After some further remarks on the part
Of distinguished monkeys of like tenor, the
meeting passed series Of resolutions ut
terly repudiating the Darwiaian theory,
II.