Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-08-03

derful precision.
PETROLEUM V. NAsBY.
) WITCH wuz Postmaster.)
Humorous Readings.
II hole made in wall by cannon
ball is called breach, would not 1.-TWO
such holes make pair of -?
An Oil City poet, mourning the lost
, glory OF bis region, exclaims:
..'Tis Greece-but living grease no more!
Except in spots 7"
A Chicago debating society wrestled
with the question (Which is the clever
er, minister or a lawyerf' and decided
it in the affirmative.
An Indiana paper notices the death of
an old subscriber, and touchingly adds:
I"We are sorry to hesA Of the death of any
of our subscribers wiz 0are prompt about
paying u.s.
A well known clergyman wittily re-
marked one evening, that in trying TO
gain two seconds in getting on and off
trains many men had secured widows
their thirds.
"Lesve you, my friend" said a demor-
allied tippler, clinging to lamp post, on
a dark night, "leave you in a condition
not to take care of yourself Hic, new OF
boy new"
A Wisconsin editor was called out Of
bed one night to receive a subscription.
After that he set up nights for over a
week, but the offence was not repeated.
In the window shop in an obscure part
of London is this announcement: Goods
removed, messages taken, carpets beaten,
and poetry composed on any subject"
BY one decisive argument
Tom gained his lovely Kates consent
! To fix the bridal day.
HWhy in such haste, Gear Tom, to wed
shall not change my mind" she said:-
| But then," saysse, II may"
"Young man." said a minister to a
youth of his congregation, "do you know
what relations you Sustain in the world =
"Yes. sir, two cousins and grandmother,
but I don't intend 10 sustain them much
longer"
No man of sense can expect to pass
through the world without abuse. If he
be gentleman be will be abused by ras-
Gals if he be rascal he will be abused
by gentlemen.
A country journal having declared that
during the carnival at Washington, wild
ows on the avenue were let from twenty
to fifty dollars EACH explained next day
by saying, windows, not widows, were
meant
A school committee in Massachusetts,
are reported to have summed up their
opinion Of the examination which they
had attended, by making the pupils this
address: You've spelled well, and you've
ciphered good, but you haint sot still.
An old stacer was compelled by his
worthy spouse to 'join the cold-water ar
N.Y." which he did, promising not to
touch drop of anything except in sick
ness. He has never been well since.
81 know what your beans pretty white
horses name is," said little Greenfield
boy to his sister, Monday morning, ats
Dsmye." "Husb, Eddie, that's a naughty
word" "Well, don't care if 'tis; that's
his name; cos, last night, l was outside
the fence when he stopped at the front
gate, and 1 heard him say, Whoa,
damyer"
A Hoosier having learned somewhere
that the best method of egress from this
life was to shut. ones self up and burn
charcoal, he was found the other day sit
ting in the center of a ten acre lot near
very comfortable fire of that msterial. As
he had not put the bars up, it didn't oper-
ate.
An old farmer said to his sons "Boys,
don't you ever speckerlate, or wait for
summit TO turn up. You might jest as
well 20 an sit down on a stone in the mid
die of the medder, with pail twixt your
legs, and wait for cow to back up to
you to be milked."
A correspondent Of the London Pub
fishing Circular, points out the following
curious typographical errors. occurring in
''Nuttsl's Pocket Dictionary" :" aspen,
a kind of popular tree; Lac, kind of
gun ; Madder, plant much used in dying
SCOT, condemned smoke"
An eight year old girl in Meriden,
Conn, was recently brave enough to take
a drunken man by the hand and lead him
away from a dozen boys, who were cruel
ly making sport of bim, and administered
a severe rebuke to them at the same time.
The rough boys skunk away abashed be-
fore the little heroine.
"Good morning, uncle, how do you
?" Il am well, as you see" "Ill bet
ten dollars Won don't know what I've
come to see you for" Money of course;
you never come for anything but that"
you've lost ten dollars, my dear uncle.
1 came to ask you, how is aunt z"
A young minister, whose reputation
for verscity was not very good, once ven
tured to differ with an old doctor of di-
vinity a. 10 the efficacy of the use of the
rod. why" said be, "the only time my
father ever whipped me il was for telling
the truth" We'll" retorted the doctor,
sit cured you of it, didn't it Z"
A miller had his peighbor arrested
under charge of stealing wheat from bis
mill, but being unable TO snbstantiste the
charge by proof, the court acjuaged that
the miller should make acknowledgements
to the accused. "Well, says be, Il have
had you arrested for stealing my wheat.
[ can't prove it, and sm sorry for it,