Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-12-01

HumOr.
A horn-pipe-the neck Of a decanter.
Twins, like misfortune, never come sing
ly.
Bump of destructiveness-Rai COLI
sion.
Son worshippers-Weak mothers who
idolize their boys.
General Court Waiting on half dozen
girls at the same time.
The divinities that shape our ends are
the halter and shoemaker.
When does a man feel girlish? When
he makes his maiden speech.
A Chicago sausage-maker with unu-
sual candor advertises his wares as dog
cheap
What is the difference between sick
girl and brick bat? One is miss i'll and
the other missile.
Why will next year be like the last ? Be-
cause last year was 1870, and next year
will be 1872 (too).
This country is the only one that taxes
matches and it is the only one that cannot
be matched for taxes.
Jack Ketch being asked on what grounds
he claimed the clothes Of those he hanged,
answered, as their executor s,s
Whom did you say our friend B. mar
riedY We'll, he married forty thousand
dollars-I forget her other name
Thou rainest in my BOSOM as the chap
said when basin Of water was thrown over
him by the lady he was serenading.
If in our school days the rule of three is
proverbially trying, how much harder in
after life do we find the rule of one.
1t is estimated that there are 225. 900
threshing machines in the United States,
without counting the school marms.'
A Detroit paper accounts for the intem-
nerance of a prominent senator by the fact
that he was brought up on the bottle
A small boy, over intelligent for his
years, wants to know if babies are baptized
over again, in case they don't take the first
time.
A rural paper remarks-'Cold nights
have put stop to gate sparkling. If she
doesn't ask you to come in now, you had
better quit
Proof positive Good young lady-'Lit-
tie boy, have you ever been baptized?
Small heathen-'Oh, yes, mum I've marks
here on my arm p
mr.. Smith, you say you boarded at the
Columbia Hotel for six months-did you
foot the billY mo, sir, but it amounted
to the same thing-the landlord footed me-
The drum major who ran away from
Chickamauga, when reproached with
cowardice, remarked: I'D rather be
coward all my life than corpse fifteen min
utesp
A swell, wishing to make himself inter-
esting, asked, Maria, what do you suppose
was hundred years ago?' Just what
you are now, nothing at all, was the prompt
reply.
A story is told of person asking another
whether he would advise him to lend GER
tain friend money. what, lend him money ?
You might give him an emetic, and he
wouldn't return it.
A bank is said to he the most likely
building to catch cold in, because there are
so many drafts in it; and the reason there
are so many drafts in it, is because so many
people 20 there to raise the wind.
A little bit of thing, who had just got |
back from party, was asked by her man.
ma how she enjoyed herself. %, mamma p
she said, I'm SO full Of happiness, I couldn't
be no happier without [ was bigger
''Tis strange muttered young man,
as he staggered home from a supper party,
show evil communications corrupt good |
manners I've been surrounded BY tum-
blers all the evening, and now Pm tum.
bier myself"
A wit being told that an old acquaintance
was married, exclaimed, L am glad to hear
it, But rejecting moment, he added, in
a tone Of compassion and forgiveness, And
yet don't know why | should be, he never
did me any HARM a-
A gentleman of something over forty
years of age by the name of Page handed a
young lady's glove to her, saying:
Iffrom the glove you take the letter G,
The glove is love, and that give to thee.'
Her answer was,
IF from the Page you take the letter P,
Then Pageis age, and that won't do for me.
A preacher, whose custom it was to in.
dulge, in very long sermons, exchanged With
one who preached short ones. At about
the usual time for dismissing, the au-
dience began to go out, until nearly all had
left, when the sexton, who had stood it as
long as he could, walked up to the pulpit
stairs, and said to the preacher in whisper,
when you have got through, lock up, will
you, and leave the key at my house next to
the church,
TIME FOR PEAcE.-The venerable Dr.
was through his long ministry unequally
yoked with very ill-tempered wife. In
the furnace she tended SO constantly, he
was we doubt not, purified for the Masters
use, and at the age of nearly ninety passed
to his rest. When, few months later, the
death Of his widow was announced, an old
parishioner expressed great regret, saying,
he had hoped the 3ctor would have had
time for q little peace before she followed