Wyandot County Republican. [volume] (Upper Sandusky, Ohio) 1869-1903, 1871-05-18
The Darwinian TheOry-The Monkeys
Protest.

DARwIN's theory concerning the descent
of man is creating tremendous sensation
among the monkeys. They have just
heard of it, and are terribly exercised.
They repudiate the whole theory. That
man descended from them they consider
a slur on the entire monkey race.
A cage of John Robinson's monkeys
held an Indignation meeting over the mat
ter the other day, after the performance.
A venerable chimpanZee, whose gray hairs
entitled him to the distinction, was made
chairman, and, sitting in swing, presided
with the utmost gravity. He got a little
excited in his speech as he took the chair.
but this was pardonable under the circum-
stances. what" exclaimed this venera-
BILE baboon, Man descended from as!
repudiate the idea with scorn. True, we
have our faults.
"We are accused of cutting up monkey
shines sometimes, and not without cause !;
| but this attempt to make us father the
human race is altogether too much. Is it
not enough that poverty requires us to
travel around the country in this manner
to make living; to exhibit ourselves to
gaping men, women and children, at so
much a head (when two thirds of them
having it flung in our faces that we origi-
mated the pack of fools styled men"
His remarks were received with every
expression of delight possible to the mon
key. Some stood on their pyramidial
heads, others hung by their tails, while
others threw flip flaps from one end of the
cage to the other
A monkey who had travelled much and
seen great deal, and who had probably
used the cats paw to pull more chestnuts
out of the fire than any other monkey Of
his age, next addressed his fellow monkeys
Said he: This Darwin has inflicted q
disgrace upon us that no monkey of any
selfrespect will hesitate to resent. fling
his base insinuations back into his teeth
A wild chatter of applause. If man was
indeed descended from us, what fall was
there, my countrymen! prolonged howls
of our race-this Darwin, who dar'acin
fame by traducing us-I would r-r-r-r-rend
him to pieces with these pentadactylous
hands, and whip him to death with this
| prehensile tail" Immense cheering
The chairman interrupted the speaker
to remind him that no puns would be al
lowed. Nobody but men perpetrateG
puns, and pun was altogether beneath
the dignity of any monkey who had tn,
!. least respect for himself. The speaker
r promised to be more guarded in the future
D and proceeded with his remarks.
t Look at the follies men perpetrat
' every day. Did you ever know monke,
q to make such fool of himself as they do
o Did you ever know monkey to buy
ticket to menagerie and 90 starin
r around and making remarks about bette
people than himself? Did a monke
s ever get drunk, or talk about his neigh
e bors, or wear a plug hat (unless it wa
= fastened on his head by detestable ring
e MASTERY, or sue for divorce, or lace, Q
! color his whiskers, or 60 into bankruptcy
i or cheat the printer, or get elected CouI
Gilman, or run bar account, or eat hasI
- - or-or run for Congress? Never
:. - Screams and screeches of assent
- Man descended from the monkey, il
~ deed! If he were descended from man
would be sufficiently disgraceful. I g
n ashamed when think there is possibi
u in their political conventions. In OIL
fe most idiotic moments did we ever yell an
ss howl as they do?
u "Look at them in Congress. A who
ID menagerie on drunk couldn't behay
2 worse. And where did they get il
le They didn't get it from us, that is SUI
S, thing. The key to their cussed nonsense
n, not the mon key. IAN admonishlng shaE
III of the head from the President. NJ
Darwin must seek for his ancestery els
e. where, and let the monkey alone q
le might, perhaps, trace it to the beasts
in the field or the birds of the air, or (wh,
b. is more likely the jackassl''
re Tremendous applause followed b
st speech. After some further remarks Q
ir the part of distinguished monkeys of lik
W tenor, the meeting passed series of res'
It. lutions utterly repudiating the Darwinia
IN ! theory, and adjourned Cincinnati Time