Mower County transcript., 1871-12-28
Wit. Humor and Wisdom.

w
undrums.
PROFITABLE Manipulating ones
business.
TIE bankers motto-'fWe take no
note on time"
The only woman that women fear
Mrs. Grundy.
OUGHT to be ''put down. carpets at
this season of the year.
Mans greatest enemy is tho wine-
glass; woman's is the looking glass.
A POWERFUL stationery engine-the
pen.
To BE handled with care-reputa-
tions.
WHEN does horse eat best When
he hasn't bit in his mouth.
The woman who marries for home
pays ten times the worth of it.
WHY does sculptor die the most
horrible of deaths He makes faces
and busts.
WHEN is that domestic Joy, the baby,
''too thin2" Why, when it's toothin',
of course.
"CoSTRAorED a severe and lasting
cold" is the latest California euphem-
ism for dead.
HENRY LAFAYETTE, an old soldier of
the first Napoleon, is now in an asylum
at Fort Wayne, Ind.
WHY is a man who marries an heiress
a lover Of music9 Because he marries
fortune.
The paths of glory which lead but to
the grave-allopath and hom@path.-
Lowell Courier.
MARKETMEN are merciful to poultry.
After the chickens are clean-picked
they generally retail.
WHY do hens always laythelr eggs in
the day time2 Because at night they
are roosters.
AN Evansville school-boy defined a
lady to be "a growed-up girl, who
dosn't cuss nor swear"
WHY are washerwomen the silliest of
people? Because they put out their
tubs to catch soft water when it rains
hard.
WHY did the Highlanders do most
execution at Waterloo3 Because every
man had one kilt before the battle be-
gan.
A DUTCH Justice gives the following
oath to witnesses "You do awfully
swore you will tell the trnth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, the
best what you amt"
A MAN reading q newspaper asked an
other: ''What's the Bohemian diet,
about which we hear 80 much OF late Z"
'.Free lunches, was the reply.
''OUR children will have immense
tax on their hands," said a gentleman.
20 horrible - exclaimed an elderly
lady, "what blessing we have nails on
ours"
chow HOLLOW it sounds I" exclaimed
q patient under the movement cure, as
the physician was vigorously pounding
his chest. ''Oh, that's nothing!" said
the doctor; ''wait until we get to the
head"
'You say" said a judge to a witness,
'%that the plaintiff resorted to an ingen-
ious use of circumstantial evidences
state just exactly what you mean by
that" 'sWell," said the witness, ssmy
exact meaning is that he lied
"AH, Dick, I have buried my brother
since l saw you" Served hum right, u
said Dick. "What do you mean, sir p
WAS demanded. ''Why," said Dick,
"Would it have been serving him right
to leave him unburied I"
An old Dutchman, who some years
ago was elected member of the Cana.
dian Legislature, said, in his broken
English style: ''Ven I vent to dc
lechislature, I fought would find dem
all Solomons dere, but I soon found
dere vas some as pick fools dere as
vas."
II HAVE ever been your friend, roar
ed G. F. Train to colored audience o1
twenty-four, at Memphis, ono night
last week. " What is the reason that
so few of you are present here tonight,
when only charge you ten cents, and
the other night charged dollar p
Can any of you colored men tell me the
reason of this Z" A colored citizen
''Because you called us 'cocoanuts' in
the newspapers [Roars of laughter.
Train explained that this was a lie in
vented by his wicked partners, the sen
sational press.