The Fremont weekly journal. [volume] (Fremont, Sandusky County, Ohio) 1867-1877, 1871-05-05
THE FIRST BABY,
The Experiences of a Family Man as
Related by Himself

By the Rev. Mr.. ~ T. W. G. to
C. E. G., only daughter, etc. ''No
cards"
We didn't say, no baby. l have
one of those little interesting little
animals at home. It came when it
rained like the devil, dark as pitch,
and my umbrella at the store, no car
running. The doctor lives five miles
due west, and the nurse six miles
due east; and when got home to
the bosom of my family, the con-
densed milkman was at the next
door. 1t is funny little chap, that
baby; solferino colored, and the
length of Bologna sausage.
Cross? l guess not. I'm, um; il
commenced chasing me down the
pathway of life just when muslin
linnen and white flannel we're the
highest they have been since Adam
built a hen house for Mrs. Ewes
chickens. The doctors charged two
dollars a squint, four dollars a grunt
and on account of the scarcity O
rain in the country, take what is lef1
in mans pocket book, no discount
for cash, and send bill for balance
January first. A queer little thing
is that baby; a speck of a nose like
a wart; head as bald as squash
and no place to hitch a waterfall; s
mouth just suited to come the gun
game and chew milk. Oh, crackee
YOU should hear her sing. 1 have
bumped it, stuffed my fur cap down
| its throat, given it the smoothing
iron to play with, but that little red
lump that looks as if it couldn't hold
blood enough to keep musquitc
from fainting, persists inyelling like
thunder. 1t shows a great desire tC
swallow it's fists, and the other day
they dropped down its throat, anC
all that prevented their going cleal
through was the crook in its elbow
1t stopped its music, and 1 was hap
DIV for one and half minutes. 1t
a pleasant thing to have baby il
the house-one Of your belly-ach
kind. Think of the pleasure of
father, in dishabille, trembling il
the midnight hour, with his warn
fleet upon a square yard of oil cloth
dropping paragoric in a teaspoon b,
moonlight, the nurse humping ol
the door, wife of your bosom shout
ing hurry, and the baby yelling til
i the frescoe drops from the ceiling
Its a nice time to think of dres
coats, pants, ties and white kids
Shades of departed cocktails, wha
a picture for an article in Plaste
Paris. It's mother says the darling
is troubled with wind on the stOm
ach; it beats all the instrument
, ever heard of. l have to get up i
the cold and shiver while the mil
warns; it uses the bottle. 1 have
cradle with the representation 0
a miraculous soothing syrup bottl
on the dashboard. l tried to sto
his breath the other night; it was n
[ 90; | rocked it so hard it misse
stays, and sent it slap clean acros
the room, upsetting a jar of prr
serves. 1t didn't make any nois
, then! Oh, no; it's mother says OF
lly wait till it gets bleached, lit
been vaccinated, and old enoug
to crawl about and feed on PIN
Yes, 1 am going to wait. Won't
be delightful? John, run for dot
tor, sis has fell in the slop pail, an
, is choking with a potato skin; 81
has fell down stairs; sis has swallow
ed the tack hammer; shows signs c
the mumps, Group, whoOping cougI
small pox, collie, dYsentery, choler
| intantum, or some other darne'
thing to let the doctor take the mon
ey laid by for my winters corn bee
and all this comes of my shampoon
ing and curling my hair, wearln
nice clothes, and looking hanGsom'
going counting and making m
| wife fall in love and marry me.