The Fairfield herald. [volume] (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1849-1876, 1871-01-11
How to Make q Thousand Dol.
lars.

! on must know that he's monstrous
stln@y, The complaint seems to run
i'll the family, and everybody round
our parts used to notice that he never
by any ehancn asked anybody to dine
w'th HIN. 81 ono day, jist for a
chunk OF fun, said to friend of
n.in@, Jeddy Dowkins-a dreadful
nlHe iellow. is Joddy --"l'll bet sou Il
penn 'ort1 of shoes;riu;s' ginst II low
ot pms 'hat | get old Ben Me. klns,
mats my wifc's father, to ask mo to
dinner"
"Aeou got cout," said Jeddy "why
yeon might as we'll try to coax IL eat
'"to showerbath, or get moonLc.ms
coat OF cowcumbers."
wv ell, said Pm going 10 try"
And try did, and l'll tell ,eou
heow went to work.
~ lst us old Ben was sitting down to
dinner at O'clock, rushed up to
lhe mouse at II high pressure pace,
red,hot in the face, with my coat tails
~ ., tne ar, my eyes rolliu' about like
bililard balls in convulsions. Rat tat.
tat,-dlng-a-ling. | kicked up an
awtnl rumpus, and in n flash out came
old Bou himself. had struck tho
right miuit. He had napkin undor
MS chm, and carvin-knife in his
hand. smelt tho dinner us ho opon-
cd the door.
so, Mcrkins," said I, "I'm tarna-
ton glad to soc you. | feared you
mouShtn't bo at homo-rm almost
out of breath, I'ye como to toll YOU |
can save YOU a thousand dollars"
"A thousand dollars,' roarod tho
"ld man and defy weasel to 70
pop quicker than his foce burst into
smiles.
"a thousand dollars : You don't
say so? Du tell 7"
"OhF said |, 81 SEQ you arc havin'
dinner ncow. III 90 an dino IN ysclf,
and then Pll como back and tell you
all about it,"
"Nonscnsc,' said ho, "aon't 20
away come in and sit down, and en-
JOY Yourself like Il good fellow, and
have snack with nc. l am anxious
to hear what you have to say"
pretended to decline, saying I'd
come back ; but thoroughly stirred
up the old chaps curiosity and it
ended by his fairly pullin' inc lit, the
house, and made rattlin' dinner of
pork and beans.
| managed for some timo to dodge
he main point of his inquiry. At
last finished eating, and there wis
no further eacusc for delay besides
old Bon was gettin' fidgity.
"Como, now" said he, t'no moro
preface ? About that thousand dol.
lars come, let it out"
'W"l', Pll tell you what" said I,
''yon = Il" 'ar, Misery Ann, to
dispose oi Ill ma, riagc, have you
not !"
"Whars that got to do with it I"
interrupted he.
"lIold your proud stools don't
run off tho track--a great doal to do
with it," said I. "Neow answer my
question:
"WelI," )" said he, IL have"
"And YOU intend, whom sho mar"
rics, to give her $4,000 for por.
tion 20
81 do,' said he.
"Wull, meow, there's tho point LIN
coming tew. let me have her. and
I'll take her with $4,000. $1,000
from $4,000, according to simple
substraction, jist leaves 5000 and that
will be clean proiit-savcd as slick
as wh!stlr.'
The next thing I knew there Was
rapid interview going on between old
Bon's foot and my coat tails = and
am inclined to think tho latter got
tho worst of it.
E Tho following are few of Josh
Billings maxims
10 make good sharp pickles, whittlc
oph both ends ov thcm to pint.
Blessed are they who have no eye
for y keyhole.
Tew freshen a salt makorel, tow
him one summer behind q steambotc.
1t is human to err, but dovilish to
Drag OH it.
n gentleman is gentleman the
world over it is only tho loafers that
differ.
TO learn dog tow follow we'll, tic
him to tho hind end Of on express
train.
A dog ID the only thing on this
Garth that luvs you moro than he luvs
himself.
Opinions arc like turnips, worth
what they will fetch.
Courage without discretion is like
ram with horns on both ouds, he will
have more fights on hand than he ken
do iustiss to.
Secrets arc kussod poor property
eLny how :: if you circulate them YOU
lose them, and if you keep then you
lose tho interest on Tho invest ment.
When you find a man who is very
solisitus about the welfare of every