The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1871-06-08
Old Skitter's Trap.

attacks OF puppy love-when moonshlne
is the most congenial to their yearning
souls, when freckeled girls kisses are
their balm in Gilead, and when it is
dollars and cents they will manage to
make consumate jackasses of them
selves. That's what allied John Henry.
Henrietta Jane Skitters was an incip>
lent woman, and had scarcely dropped
her infantile lisp and elongated heI
shin. curtains. She was of that plentiful
female sort, you understand, who run
to sentiment and spit curls, and who
had a blasted sight sooner have young
mems heads on their hearts than COM
mon sense ideas in their own. She was
nice girl, you know, only she had
ruined her appetite for BREAKFAST by de.
vouring too many dime novels. This
W as what allied Henrietta Jane.
Rudolph Beethoven Skisters was a
cynical, cross grained, bald headed Sec
ond fiddler in an orchestra, and was old
enough to know better. He had thought
the matter carefully over, you observe,
and had concluded that all men are
liars, swindlers, knaves, thieves, politi.
clans, preachers, or some other species of
internal rascals! Therefore, he hated
mankind with double concentrated in
tensity, only approached by his mate
love for gin. This was what allied Ru-
dolph Beethoven.
John Henry and Henrietta Jane met.
He closed bis right eye and winked out
of the one that was left. She closed her
left eye and winked out of the one that
was right. From that moment you
comprehend the ETHEREAL essense evolv-
ed by the commingling of fecstatic-well
you know as we'll as do the effect of
puppy love upon the human race. They
burst the arms of the old mans rocking
chain by sitting in it double, and slob-
bered over each other daily from seven
to twelve O'Clock, p. m. He hugged her
until her dress was threadbare under
the arms, and she clawed around his
collar until all the button holes were
scratched out. The cat and canary bird;
unwilling spectators of these scenes.
had died in unspeakable agony, and
things were generally getting thick,
when the old man dropped in OH the sit
uation.
Rudolph Beethoven Skitters didn't
rant much. He only remarked that he
didn't want to waste healthy young
man, but that, if certain nameless
youth ever dared to cross his threshold
again, coroner, a sexton, an undertake
er, and a minister would be entitled to
the customary fees. Then he gave John
Henry piece of bread and butter, and
told him to run right home to his doing
mother. As for Henrietta Jane, she
never sat down with any comfort for
two weeks, during which time the re-
collection of six horse power spanking
was vividly impressed upon her memo
ry.
But John Henry, you notice was no
slouch of lover. He meandered right
back to the Skitters' mansion, and kiss
ed Henrietta Jane until she thought she
was in heaven, between two clouds,
with angels Tapping their wings ana
tossing PEPPERMINT drops into her
mouth. She got spanked. and he got
kicked ont, at twelve o'clock every
night, as regularly as the sun rose; but
somehow they got hardened to it, and
didn't seem to mind it any worth men.
tioning.
At length the cynical cuss, who
couldn't bear to see children enjoy
themselves, swore he would break ul
their little games of bust. So he hireC
a misguided mechanic to build an infer
nal machine, all to spoil John Henry
1t had steel trap to it, that clasped to-
gether like the jaws of death, and a twt
foot mortar that held eleven pounds 0
powder and peck of old nails. He
carted it home, all on the sly, and made
the front gate sort of trigger to it.
One blamed dark night he fixed it up
you observe, to macerate John Henr,
the moment he touched the gate. Thel
the old villain wandered off to Hebbin
gers and absorbed gin until twelv
o'clock.
In the meantime, John Henry, IL
consequence of the inherent reckless
ness characteristic of boys of his age
had tumbled from the hayloft whil
forking down fodder for old Brindle
and tor the frat time in three months
failed to call on Henrietta Jane.
II know it is pretty rough to kill til
poor fellow soliloquised old Skitters a
he neared his home, "but he's brougll
it Oh himself. wonder if they'll han
me for it? I'll swear thrt l fixed it u
for burglars, anyhow, and guess it'll b
all right. Wonder if there's much e2
element about it? There don't seem I
be any lights in the house. Wonds
what they've done with his mangle
remains. Ha, la, ha! IFS mighty ful
ny, though come to think of it. Ho
surprized he must have-'
X
John Henry, Henrietta Jane have bee
married two years now. An inmate
their household is banged up old ma
who navigates by crutch-power, al
who is constantly picking old nails o.
of himself. The hair has all been sings
off his head and he keeps one of his arm
in glass jar, preserved in alcohol. l
says 1t is rheumatism that ails him.
t John Boyer, a halfbreed, at Cheyenn
} Just hung for murder, made this dyil
, speech. 1t is certainly model of bre
. ity: "Me no squaw; me brave. Y