The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1871-08-10

dhu Il uOn uellJ buhb bllCh CiodbuTtS
have claims; but edication, ladies and
gentlemen, to be wonderful, must have
sound basis-an s. b. Now what do
mean by s. B. Z / mean mind-I mean
brain. Without the s. b. what's man,
let alone hogY Why, he's an edicated
ass. This hog, ladies and gentlemen, has
mind---he has an edicated mind. He
can tell the time of day. He can play
poker equal TO any Congressman. He
can tell the age of an individual, 80 as to
please the ladies and astonish the gentle
men. And don't he know liquor Well,
may be he don't. But just try him,
that's all and if you don't find him as
drunk as Senator, why, constipate my
digestion, that's all. Now, Ben, wide
awake, old fellow; eyes of Delaware and
my stick are on you astonish these in
tellectual encyclopedias of homogeneous
locomotion."
This amazing use of heavy English
evidently impressed Ben with the belief
that his exhibitor was swearing violent
ly, and he set about his tasks with o
cheerful alacrity that was manifested by
a continuous twisting and untwisting of
his caudal appendage, accompanied by a
series of grunts that told of his anxiety.
He gave us the time with accuracy and
as for ages, Ben's education was perfect.
He invariably hattered the ladies by re-
porting their years to be about half the
number nature had allowed them, while
the men were made 80 old that the sting
was removed in the absurdity. His
games of poker and old sledge brought
down the house, they were so dexterous
and perfect.
After the audience had retired, I yet
fingered upon the threshold. was loath
TO leave specimen of hog SO entertain
ing as this Ben. To learn something
more, approached the odd specimen of
humanity, and earnestly invited him to
little refreshment at Harvey's. Con-
senting, we were soon seated, and led
him over his lager and oysters to the sub
ject we were both so interested in. I
have had in my time all sorts Of table
tall, from horses to wines but for the
first time had full dish of hog-talk.
"Now, my dear sir" said, leaning
over confidentially, with my face braced
between my two hands, and my elbows
planted on the table, "how under heaven
do you manage to instruct a hogP"
Easy enough, Cap, when you once
get the hang of it."
"And howP"
"The hang of it lies in the feed. The
road to hogs intellect lies through his
stomach. A low diet with high culture
is my motto"
"And how did you make this wonder
full discovery ~
easy enough. had cousin in the
show business, and he used to tell me
how they educated the animals. The
first thing, cousin Jake said. was to get
your animal that had turn for things,
naturally smart you know. Well, 1
turned that over in my mind, for 1 was
bound to make raise. The old farm had
run under until it looked like a widows
well. While was thinking about it, 1
observed that hog. He was the cum
ningest hog ever set on hoofs. He be-
longed to an old nigger, and had an eye
to cultivating our farm. Eff there was
q hole, he'd find it and eff there was no
hole, he made it ) and ef he couldn't
climb an ordinary fence or hist gate,
no hog could. His only enemy was
uncle Sammy's dog Camomile.' And
here's where the surprising part comes
in. Every Saturday uncle Sammy went
off to town and got drunk, and he was
pretty sure not to turn up before Mon
day night; and that dog Camomile
went along to take care of the old man.
When the old man got into a fight
on the ordinance of 'S7-he was in
fernal ugly on them ordinances when
half tight-Camomile, who didn't care
q cuss for the ordinances, but did for
uncle Sammy, went for the seat of the
enemy's breeches. But that's neither
here or there. observed that that hog
was very attentive to our farm on them
days, and took to Watching him. I'll
be hanged eff that hog hadn't the run OF
the week good as human, and that dog
Camomile wouldn't be fairly out of sight
sfore Ben d turn up and come in spite
of Providence. One day I caught him
a waiting under the bush in the cross
roads, on rise where he could see both
ways, awaiting; and when Camomile
and old Sammy were fairly out of sight
he gave a grunt and set out on q trot
for our farm. And he talked to himself
all the way.
al went for the hog. That intellectual
beast took me. 1 bought him of his
proprietor, the colored citizen, for jug
of old rye, and them set about his ed
ucation. l fastened him up in box,
and gave him not ration for twenty
four hours. You ought to have heard
that hog demonstrate at the end of that
probation. begun with the alphabet
and figures. 1t was mighty slow al
first. Ireally thought that swine would
have died at college. But as soon as he
got the hang of it, and knew what ]
was driving at, he did pick up amazing
ly, tell you. I used to give him stick
corn and the rithermatick six hours
every day."
"And you have done we'll with him ?
"Haven't 1? That hog Ben has lifted
: mortgage, built new barn, repaired
, the old house, and put our farm under
fence, so as to be hog-proof, 1 tell you
you'll make your fortune out o.
: him."
"No, Gap. The intellectual process.
, is too much for hog natur. He is in 6
decline. The brain-work's too much
for Ben. You see it amt their natur. Ii
} another year he'll have passed away
; among the enlightened beasts of tht
past"
"Wby don't you turn him out to re-
! cruit ?"
"Can't do it; tried, but can't. Al
tho ,,ofnrol old hnr capca hoe haa,, o1;