The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-02-28

carpeCnalls, the other day, says they re-
minded him painfully Of the income
tax.
1sg" a chap who was told by a clergy
man to remember Lots wife" replied
that he had trouble enough with his own,
without remembering other mems wives.
Ds3H A negro, after gazing at Chi
nese, exclaimed, " If dc white folks is as
dark as dat out dere, | wonder what's the
color OBJ de niggers ?"
Dag" Do you think that raw oysters are
healthy" asked a lady of her physician.
" Yes" he replied, | never knew one to
complain Of being out of health in my
life"
Ds7@ They tell of farmer in Ken
tucky who was so lazy that when he went
to hoe corn he went so slowly that the
shade Of his broad-rimmed hat killed the
plants.
Dea5- A young man charged with being
lazy, was asked if he took it from his
father. think not" was the reply;
" fathers got all the laziness he ever
had"
1s3"' They tell Of spring in NIichi-
gan so strongly magnetic that man who
had drank from it, and went into black
smiths shop, found the anvil on which
he sat stuck fast him, and had to have it
amputated.
Bs5" A boy who heard the quotation,
" A little learning is a dangerous thing"
wished to stop going to school because he
was afraid he should not live long enough
to get past the dangerous point
Bs3" In answer to a correspondent who
wrote to country editor, asking if he
might send him something to fill up
with" the editor replies, " Certainly; let
it be a barrel Of flour and a quarter of
beef"
Ls5" My daughterl I want you to
stop talking you must wait until you are
spoken to-" Ma" answered the bright
child, if every one should wait until
they were spoken to, how could any one
talk 2"
DSg" A young Hoosier once said to o
Hoosieress "Sal, is there any body
courtin' you nowY And Sal replied:
"Well, Sam, there is one fellow sorter
courtin', and sorter not, but l reckon it is
more sorter not, than sorter."
psy" D" George" asked the teacher of a
school class" who above all others shall
you first wish to see when you get to
heaven?" with face Frightening up with
the anticipation, the little fellow shouted,
" Gerliah p
pe5" " l want to pay for three fish,"
said customer after eating his dinner.
/" Waiter, what did this gentleman have 2"
asked the proprietor "Two fish, sir"
replied the waiter. "Three" interrupted
the customer; " two trout and one smelt."
pG5" A distinguished clergyman in one
of our eastern cities was met by diap-
idated individual, with flask of whisky
in his pocket, who inquired, "Sir, is
this the nearest road to the aims house ~
mo, sill" replied the clergyman, point
ing to the bottle, "but that is"
A western journal recently published
this extraordinary notice: Married at
the residence Of the brides father, by
the Rev. A. NJ. Lyons, John p. Ellis, all
of this city" That is what is called, in
euchre, going it alone.
Bsg- Karl aged FIVE, has a brother ten
days old. Nelly, little one of nine,
meeting him, asked him if he was not
glad to have little brother to play with.
With shrug of the shoulders, Master
Karl replied, "Play with ? He can't
wash his own face"
Dag~ DR.. Lyman Beecher used to relate
the following anecdote "Old Father
-preached six sermons to show who
Melchisedek was, and closed his last SER
mon with this summary: And so we
see, brethren, that we don't know who
Melchisedek was, and that it amt no mat
ter"
ksya Mr.. Snooks was asked the other
day how he could account for natures
forming him so ugly. "Nature was not
to blame," said he, "When | was two
months old was considered the hand
soonest child in the neighborhood, but my
nurse swapped me away for another boy,
just to please friend of hers whose
child was rather hOmely looking"
HG~ A wag happening to go into the