The Ottawa free trader., 1871-04-22
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

HE lnappeasaoIe sriel euuer WHICH yucca
Victoria has abored for SO Eany years has made
her so fat that she is scarcely able to waddle
around, and the doctors are urging her to make
an extended continental tCVr, for the purpose of
diverting her ulind from the continual contem-
plation Of her, great sorrew-and putting stop
to the eontinsed accumulation OF adipose matter.
Moral: Don't cultivate pet misery, if you dent
want 10 run an avordupeis race with Ba.nums
fat woman.-Ek.
Here is another warning against husbands
dying and leaving widows to mourn over them.
It is wrong to overwhem the poor dears with
grief SO that they get fat brooding it that
they can't waddle-
Some wretched Bohemian thus chronicles a
coming event:
The author of The Gates Ajar" is going to
marry nice yoaug clergyman; that's her gait
now.
Science is doing wonders to better the ccndi-
tion of man. An exchange says:
'Solifed beer is the latest thing 1t is lager
concentrated in the way that milk is, SO that t,
man can carry enough IL his vest-pocket to ruin
temperance society
A disgusted prrter gives certain class of
persons "pece of his mind" thusy
What is the difference between ansentrance to
barn and "A leafer in printing office? One is
q barn door aad the other darn bore.
According to the Tazewel Rtgtster lady
down that way "foes" burglars in this way:
A maiden lady here, living alone, hangs an
old plug hat in her hall, to frighten burglars by
indicating male occupants
A New York paper fixes up police item in
this unique manner;
A man in New York had blacksmith arrest
ed for tearing his ear nearly off in scuthe. The
blacksmith says the ear tore accidentally be-
Sides 1t never was half put On.
A sour, bachelor editor eases his mind in the
following fashion:
A young fellow says there is much oy when
first married. After year or SO it becomes
more jawy.
A city paper would have us believe this:
boy bawling In fremont street, the other
day, was asked the cause of mis- trouble and re.
piled: II want my mamma; that's what's the
mattsF-4- told the darned thing she'd lose me-"
Down in Arkansas lately young man appear
ed before 4 squire with his gal" and the fol-
lowing conversation ensued:
NWlll you take this woman to be your wife 2"
swell, Squire" was the reply, "you must be
green un to ak me such question as that. Do
you suppose I'd be plaguey fool ns to 20 to the
bar hunt and take this gal co the quiltin frolc,
If warn't conscriptIously sartin and determiu-
ed to haye her ! Drive on with your business" :"
Winnie Ream is said to have commenced a new
work entitled Sadness" 1t will represent
Grant listening to a despatch from New Hamp.
shire-Er
Sadness is the wrong word. Men do not
"cuss" as much Graat did on that particular
occasion, when they are sad.
The editor of the Woodstock Sentinel com.
plaiEs Of having lost ham. Wonder how he
looks with only OF those useful implements9"
The "local" of the Sentinel is about to offer to
marry all the girls in Woodstock who ha We the
earache 1t he is as plain looking as we are,
such nj announcement would cure every one
Of 'em
An editor down east thus speaks of a cotempo.
rary: "He is too lazy to earn meal and too
mean to enjoy one. He was never generous but
once, and that was when he gave the itch to his
apprentice. So much for his goodness of heart
VI his industry. the public may better Judge
when we state that the only day he ever worked
was the dayh mistook castor OIL for honey"-Er.
1t is WRONG to speak of the editor of the La
Sale Fress in the above abrupt manner, aud we
here enter our mild but firm protest against it.
A Vermont man, who has been arrested for
shooting his mother.in-law, contends that he
TOOK her for wild turkey. Too thin :!
Yes that was too thin. for most mother.iu.
laws, if about to be transformed into wnv other
creature, would not chose any bird 80 gentle M
. wild turkey
An Ottawa. Ill. undertaken sdvertises that
ne keeps on hand All elegant stock of neat aud
nobby shreuds, warranted to give satisfaction to
the most particular. 7trre H,ute Mul.
If the Terre Haute Mail, the author of the
above v,llainous slander don't avoid hueb no.
tioes as the above, or if it pcrpetr.tes another
like it, we know of NAL tia, will get ",ieed."
and We know the undertaken who has bought a
rife to do i, with
Young lady in Wisconsin, wac standing an
toe Nerandah, with Ter lover. arm around her
enjoying thunder storm in perfect s,fety
when the young man lett her i,r , m ,m.nt sui
enc WAS struck by hshtnins. Tn. young m IN
Ia ceasured for leaving her uupro,.ctei Sine.
that occurrence IT is amusing TO see tn. virl.
rash to the protection Of their t.vori,e l,htuiuy
rods.-kx.
Same here. The girl. rround Ottawa sr- r..
markably afraid OF lightning, &c Whenever
the .ky begins to cloud up ever 40 little youlI
Gee EN- rushing out bare headed to hun, up their
Lightning preserver-, aud the young men ...,n
70 like it too 1t ia noble sight to sec 'eu IN