The States and Union. [volume] (Ashland, Ohio) 1868-1872, 1871-11-22
A Live Dead Man.

In Baltimore a short time ago the
death of VIM. P. Mooney was an
nounced and a day was fixed for his
funeral to which his friends were in
vited It seems that there were in
that city two men named VIM. p.
Mooney, each of whom had many ac-
quaintances. Now, the friends OF the
living William got an idea that he
was dead ; so upon the day appoint
ed for the funeral they repaired to
the house named in the advertisement
for the purpose OF shedding a regret
full tear or two over the remains oil
their departed friend. The existing
Mooney also took a notion TO call
around, partly to see his dead name
sake and partly to ascertain how he
felt to attend a funeral at which a
VIM. p. Mooney oficiated in the Ca
pacity of corpse. He arrived when
the services were nearly. ended, and
stood out in the vesti5ule waiting for
them to conclude. When all was
ove some of his w misguided friends
started for the street. Thy were
alarmed and amazed to perceive right
in the doorway the figure of the a
they supposed to be dead! One of
the party thought it must be the ap-
partition of Mooney ; so he poked him
with his umbrella to ascertain if it was
real. This hurt Mr.. Mooney, and
made him so mad that he struck the
prober of ghosts with his cane. Then
another one of the party said to
"Why, Mooney, what are you do
ing out here? A man ought to con-
duct himself better than that at his
own funeral J"
"A hose funeral ?" said Mooney
ftIt's none of mine"
"See here, Mooney" they all said;
''why don't you behave? You oughtn't
to carry onso, after all the good things
the minister said about you. 1t isn't
"Who are you talking about ?" ex-
William P, Indignantly. al
as lively as you'll"
"Mooney, this is wrong" urged the
"this all is wrong. You know
you are dead; you know that your
is up stairs there, crying and
going on ike mad. You ought to
have more respect for their feelings
to be standing out here fighting.
Now, just go back into your coffin,
and let the-pracession- go quietly to
the cemetery without any more
"Durn the proccssion!' calculated
the indcnsed Mooney. I'm no more
dead than you are"
CHOW, it's no use arguing that
William" said his friends.-
"The notice has been published in
the papers; the undertaken has fixed
you up comfortably /; Grape has been
tied to the knob; the Board Of Trade
has passed resolutions of respect to
your memory; they have bought a
nice marble monument to hold you
down, and everything; so you must
be dead. You can't go back on the
of Trade, Mr.. Mooney-now
you 7"
"It's a mistake" said Mooney, call
Il mistake. Let me explain it to
you"
"Oh, there's no need of explana.
said his friends. "The simple
fact is that you are a dead mani
Here's the weeping family. there's the
hearse, the undertaken, the minister,
and the mourners, and, in the parlor
stands the coffin. Now, you have got
to go in and be packed up in that
whether you want to or not.
Some men never know what is best
for them, anyhow. We came here 10
have 4 funeral, and a funeral we are
going to have. no matter if you don't
ike it. There is no use OF saying you
won't for you have got to, so come
Thereupon they seized Mooney and
dragged him into the parlor. Those
who witnessed the encounter sayit was
The report spread that the
corpse-was loose, and the undertaken
and pail bearers all Joined in'the fray,
and the combat thickened, until Moon
ey broke from his tormentors and dart
ed into the kitchen, where the under-
knocked him down with a fat
and pinned him to the floor until
assistance could be secured. The truth
was developed then, and Mooney was
to the hospital in a push cart.
When he gets well he intends t search
directory, and to ascertain if an
other man named Mooney lives Fin
Baltimore. Ii there is such a being,
William p, proposes to ask the Legs
allure to furnish him with a Chinese
in eighteen syllables, and war;
'anted unlike any other in the whole