The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1871-06-13
JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.
"What | Kno About Pharming.'

little.
Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greeley, ,ha
rit book with the abuv, and altho
havn't had time to peroose it yeti dom
hesitate tew pronounce it bully.
Pharmin, (now daze,) is pretty mucl
all theory, and therefore it amt aston
istine, that man can live in New York
and be good chancery lawyer, and also
kno all about pharmin.
A pharm, (now daze,) ov one hun
dred akers, will produse more buckwhea
and pumkins, run on theory, thar i
would 60 years ago, run with manure
and hard knoks.
Thare il nothing like book larning
and the time will eventually cum, wher
man won't hav tew hav only one O
"Josh Billings Farmers Allminax" tc
run pharm, or kamp meetin with.
Even now it amt unkommon tew SCI
three or four hired men on farm, witt
three or four spans ov oxen, all standing
still, while the boss goes into the library
and reads himself for the days plow,
| ing. ...
If 1 was running pharm now daze
1 suppose l would rather hav Sc bushel:
of sum nu breed of potatoze, raised OF
theory, than tew Aav 81 bushels got il
the mean, benighted, underhand way o,
our lamented grand parents.
Pharmin. after all, il good deal likt
the tavern business. emmy boldly think.
they kan keep hotel, (now daze, anc
emmy boldly thinks they kan pharm it
(now daze,) and they Kan, but this IL th'
way poor hotels cum to be so plenty ,ant
this IL likewise what makes pharmin sucl
eazy and profitable Dizziness.
Just take the theory out ov pharmin
and share amt nothin left but hard worl
and all fred lite krops.
When I see so much pholks rushing
into theory pharming, as thare iz now
daze,) and so menny ov them rushing
out agin, l think ov that remarkable
piece of skriptur which remarks, enemy
are called but few are chosen"
l onst took pharm, on shares, mi
self, and run her on some theorys, ant
the thing figured up this way: l dun al
the work, phurnished all the seed ant
manure, had the ague 9 months out o,
IL, for mi share of the profits, and the
other phellow paid the taxes on thu
pharm for his share.
By mutual konsent I quit the pharm a
the end of the year.
What I know about pharmin aim
worth Dragging about, and l feel it m
duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kred
itors, that if they ever expekt me to pay
5 cents on the dollar, they mustn't star
me in the theoretical pharmin employ.
If man really iz anxious tew make
mummy on a pharm, the less theory hi
laws in the better, and he must do pretty
much all the work hisself, and sup2or
his family on what he kant sell, and g
ragged enuff all the time to hunt bees.
l kno ov menny farmers who are Sc
afflikted. with superstishun, that they
won't plant single bean only in the las
quarter of the moon, and l kno ov 9th
ers so pregnant with science, thai they
won't set a gate post, until they hav,
had the ground analized bi sum profes
sor ov anotomy, tew see if the earth ha:
got the right kind of ingredience fol
post holes.
This il what I call running science
into the ground.
The fakt ov it iz, that theorys ov al
kinds work well, except in praktiss they
are too often designed to do the work O
praktiss.
Thare amt no theory in breaking .
mule only tew go at him with klub il
yure hand, and sum blud in yure eye,ant
brake him just as you would split log
What l know about pharmin aim
wuth much emmy how, but ] undertook
tew brake a kicking heifer once
read treatiss on the suhjekt, and
phol!owed the direkshuns cluss. and GO,
knokt end waze in about minits:
l then sot down and thot the thing
over.
made up my mind that the phelloW
who wrote the treatiss was more in the
treatiss bizness than he was in the hiking
heifer trade.
/ cum tew the konklushun that what
he knew about milking hiking heifers he
had learnt by leaning over barn yard
fence and writing the thing up.
I gotup from my refekshuns strength
encd, and went for that heifer.
will draw a vail over the language
used, and the things did, but went in
to win, and aoOn.
That heifer never bekum COW.
This IL one way to brake hiking
heifer, and after man has studied all
the books in k-eashun on the subjek land
tried them on, he will fall back on to 1ni
plan, and make up hiz mind, as l did
that a hiking heifer is wuth more for
beef than she is for theoretik milk.
I hav worked on pharm just long
enuff tew kno that there il no prayers SC
good for poor land as manure, and nc
theory kan beat II hours day (sundaze
excepted) ov honest labor applied to the
sile.
l am an old-fashloned phellow, and
heartily hate most nu things, bekause ]
hav lin beat by them so often.
1 never knew pharm that was worked
pretty much by theory,but what waz for
sale or to let in a fu years, and never
knu pharm that waz worked bi manure
and muscle, on the good old ignorant
way ov our ancestors, but what was han
ded down from father tcw son, and al
ways waz noted for razing brawny armed
boys, and buxom lasscs, and first rate
potatoze.
What 1 kno about pharmin,iz nothing
but experience, and experience (noW
daze, amt wuth cuss.
had rather hav good looking theo
ry, to ketch flats with, than the expert.
ence even Of Methuseler.
Experience is good thing tew lay
down and die with, but yu kant do bic
bizness with it (now daze,) it amt hot
enuff.
Give me red hot hdmbug, and can
make most ov the experience in this
world ashamed ov itself.
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