Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-09-14
HUMOROUS.

but William, if the mayor of the CT y
were to come to me and say, John,
please find mt the biggest liar in Phila-
delphia,' L would come to thee, and put
my hand on thy shoulder, and say to
thee, william, the Mayor wants to see
thee"
Mark Twain produces one of the most
striking cases of meanness, on record.
He saws he knows of an incorporative
society which hired a man to blast a
rock, and he was punching powder in it
with a crowbar, when a premature eN-
plosion followed, sending the man and
crowbar out of sight. Both came down
all right, and the man went to work
promptly. But though he was gone only
fifteen minutes, the company "docked
him for lost time.''
COOP EvIDENCE.-An Irish soldier
once waited on his commanding officer,
with what he termed a very serious
complaint:
"Another man." he said, chad up
braided him that he was not married to
his own wife, whom he accused of being
no better than she should be, and called
her many bad name besides, which he
should be ashamed to mention to his
honor"
Colonel-"Well, my good fellow, have
you any proof that you are legally mar
ried ?"
Soldier-"Faith, your honor, I have
the best proof in the world" Here he
took off his hat, or rather cap, and eX-
hibited a cut skull, saying, "Does your
honor think I'd be after taking that same
abuse from anybody but a wife?"
A SMART DUTCHMAN.-Old Starks, an
honest German, had q farm about three
miles from the village of Naples, on the
Illinois river, and, like most of his coun-
~, xrI0 cn4fln IN thfI nNy1Tnf.u urnS
great on garden truck, butter, eggs, ETC.,
which he carried regularly to the town
to sell or barter for family supplies.
One day he came in as usual, and Peter
Crister, the storekeeper, thinking to get
a "saw" on the old man., said:
"Well, Starks, got some more eggs?"
"Yah, l have q few"
"I paid you a bit for the last said
Mr.. Crister, ssbut we have had 4 owen
ton of the storekeepers, and they have
resolved to give only ten cents in fu-
ture."
"Y-a-w. Veil, mine lens they nave a
meetin'," replied Starks, can dey resol-
yes wot dey won't wear themselves out
1ayin' eggs for less as foofteen shents!"
And the old man stalked off, leaving
Pete to stand the laugh of the crowd.
A TooTHACHE SToRY.-A Louisville
dentist who had become V by fire.
quent burglaries in his vicinity, was
somewhat startled recently, by having a
man come daily at the same hour and
sit on his doorstep. He finally sugges-
ted that if it would be all the same to
him he would be pleased to have him
divide his attentions, n sit on some
neighbours doorstep awhile. "But it
wouldn't be the same,'' shouted the visi-
tor in return, ''nor anything like it.
You are a dentist, and have an internal
aching tooth that L haven't the courage
to have pulled. l come here every af-
ternoon trying to make up my mind to
lave it out, and as soon as [ come in
sight of your house it stops aching, n
as long as I sit on your doorstep, where
the COMPOUNDED thing knows it can get
pulled if it gives trouble, [ have some
rest. Now if you want me to go to an
other dentist I will" sob, no." was
the reply, s'under those circumstances
stay by all means, my friend."
AN APoLoGY.-"Did you say L wasn't
fit to carry swill to swine, Mr.. Brown ?"
81 did sir"
"Well, sin, I require you, here in the
presence of these gentlemen, to recall
that insult, or you will have to take the
consequences"
81 am ready, willingly, to repair the
injury L have done you"
"Well, see that you do it quickly, SIR"
Brown turned around to the insulted
gentleman and said -
"Gentlemen, 1 have done my friend,
Mr.. Smith, here, the injustice to say that
he was not fit to carry swill to swine, at
which he is very indignant. Now, gen
tlemen 1 wish to recall that remark, and
do here take great pleasure in saying
that Mr.. Smith is eminently qualified to
carry swil to swine. Hope this apology
will be satisfactory to Mr.. S., and that
his excellent qualifications will be duly
appreciated"
THE HEAD TURNED RoUND.-A crazy
man was found at a grindstone sharpen
ing a large butcher knife, and now and
then examining the edge to see if it was
keen.
"What are you doing here?"
"Don't you see? sharpening this big
knife"
Eyes, but what are you going to do
with it when sharpened 90
sCut old Ben Browns head off, to be
sure.''
"What! you won't kill him, will you?"
"Oh, no! In only cut his head off and
stick it right on again hind side before,
just to let the old fellow look back on
his past 1ifeI 1t would take him all the
rest of his life to review it."
What a queer idea the lunatic had in
his mind. And what if it were so, that
every man when he reached a certain age
had his face turned around, and was
obliged to spend the rest of his days in
looking over his past life? Wouldn't
there be strange sights?
COMING TO THE PoINT.-"May it please
the court,'' said a Yankee lawyer before
q Dutch Justice, @this is a case of great
Importance; while the American eagle.
whose sleepless eye watches Over the
welfare of this mighty Republic, and
whose wings extend from the Alleg-
henies to the Rocky chain of the West,
was rejoicing in his pride of place.
"Shtop dare! I say, vat has dis suit
to do NIT eagles: Dis has notin to do
nit de wild bird. 1t is Won Sheep" eN-
claimed the Justice.
"True, your honor, but my client has
rights"
eyer CLIENT has no right to lie eagle
"Of course not; but the laws of Ian
guage-'
eWhat cares 1 for the laws of Language,
eh? 1 understand the laws of de State,
and dat ishenough for me. Confine your
talk to de case"
"Well, then, my client, the defendant
in this case, is charged with stealing a
sheep, and
"Dat will do! dat will do! Your CLIENT:
charged init stealing a sheep-just nine