The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1871-05-13
GALES, Sksttbes, AnetOotes, &e.
Royal Rsveries Of Nj. quad,


that l should run this king business en-
tirely different from the manner in which
it is now conducted. think the throne
of Spain would suit me, and | haven't
any doubts that l would Just suit the
Spanish after q few trials. If didn't it
would be because they couldn't appreci-
ate the handsome thing. Besides having
oysters and hot biscuit three times day
l should make a change in the matter of
cookery. If any hotel keeper went to
serving out hash under French title two
lines long l would give him little law
that he'd never forget. Soups should be
put down on the bill as soups, and if any
waiter brought in thirteen napkins and
small bite of beef as the whole of a mans
dinner I'd have my prime minister make
the fellow chew napkins all the rest of
his life. And when a traveller came to
settle his bill, and the proprietor went to
arguing the three dollars per day idea, l
should send for that landlord and ask him
If he wouldn't be content if three or four
national banks were rolled in behind the
desk, and tell him he could keep no tav-
ern in Spain, not while was around -
AS for the clerk, if he were like some
that l know OF his lamenting relatives
would be dividing up his estate within
twenty four hours after | was crowned
king.
There's another thing which l have
often thought of. I'd take little railroad
excursions, carrying along fair to medi>
um trunk, and I'd watch the baggage
smashers. When they put the trunk on,
and l found that both handles were gone,
the lock broken, the lid split, the hinge
bent, the ends knocked in, I'd say: sSee
here, my fine fellow, l want to see you
at my office on little private business -
He'd naturally think of the Cross of the
iron medal, but he'd change his mind
when he saw the tie dangling rope and
the gallows. He'd never smash another
trunk-not in Spain. As for ticket
agents at the depots, | should first give
them warning. I'd enlighten them little
by informing them that they could make
just as many friends, and do just as much
business, and have the road just as well
thought OF, by returning civil answers to
as people ought to be treated. I'd tell
him once, and if he didn't concur with my
sentiments, why thered be good many
friends around inquiring for him next day
There's another thing I'd do for Spain.
First Id issue the following call:
ESPECIAL NoTIcE. livery Spanish
gentleman who desires to hold fat office,
with big pay and stealing attached, please
meet at my office on the fret of Februa-
ry."
They'd come. They'd come in wag-
ons, carts, wheelbarrows, on canal boats,
by railroad, balloon-they'd come riding
on each others backs if there was no
other conveyance. There would be a
few respectable men hanging around, and
I'd fix every one of them up with pair
of COW hide boots, soles four inches thick.
I'd call the crowd in, one by one, and
after short address ON the subject of the
general desire to bold very little office
for great deal Of pay, Id turn the gentle
men around, give a nod to the kickers,
and-well, they could call around some
other time it they wanted any more Offices
About woman's rights. / think /
should have something to say about that.
I'D get lot of the females who were gal
wanting around Spain bowling FOR their
rights, and I'd invite them to call on me,
adding that / favored woman's rights
very much. They'd call-theyd be on
hand before daylight. If there were thir-
teen of them I'd have thirteen mops ham
dy, and the way these thirteen s'righters''
should handle these thirteen mops would
make the spIinters fly Of course would
not seek to degrade a lady in any way;
but the mop was patented before women's
rights, and somehow l never think of
woman's rights without seeing a pair of
pantaloons swinging in the air before me.
l wouldn't meddle with the Spanish
religion, not a bit. But in attending
church I'd keep an eye around, and it
wouldn't be long before should see the
loudest singer and most prominent respon>
ser pinching cent before dropping it into
| the contribution box, at the same time
hoping his neighbor would drop in dol
| lar greenbaek. I'd send for the gentle-
man, and he could have his choice be-
| tween being hit with brick bat or kicked
with a Spanish mule, and I'd see about
his contribution in future. There's only
one more thing. I'd 60 on little jour-
| ney over SPAN, and call on every news
paper man / could hear of, radical or
democrat. Walking up to the chief man
about the concern, I'd slap him on the
back and ask after his wife and babies,
and say;
''See here, old boy, I'm running this
Spanish king business now. If you want
to abuse me or any other man, 60 ahead.
If you hear of mean trick, expose it !,
if you want to say good word for any
body, do it. Here's few Spanish milled
dollars to help buy combs and crockery
ware for the house and when you want a
new cylinder press, why put my name on