The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1871-12-08
SCISSORENGS.

Brothers in arms'-Twin boys.
The best 'help'-Help yourself.
Not at home AN out,and-out lie.
Coming to grief-Meet;ng trouble
halfway.
A Western sign of distress-hogs
at half mast.
How to get a roaring trade-Buy
a menagere.
Cool proceedipg-an ice man elop-
ing with nice girl.
What fruit does newly married
couple most resemble-a green pair.
What Is that which is full of holes
and vet holds water5 A sponge.
Memphis, Tenn, is the best interi-
or cotton market III the world.
A noted bachelor ! q fallen into
tae meshes oi net; 1t is u brunette.
What did the spider do when he
came out of the ark? He took fly
and went home.
Caught in her own ret. as the
man said when he saw one of the fair
sex hitched in her crinoline.
His nreference-A an Who was
ask d what sort of wine he preferred,
repLed:-'Otner peoples.
Swedish, brady is favored with red
ants, but teilew We know says he
has an aunt favored with brandy.
Happy thought by cheap shirt
maker on his own workwomen: Thee
come like shadows, sew. departr
Pa, ism t that man in tthey call
the spring tine of hfe?' Why. my
son? Because he looks so very
green
A Wisconsin man who dad lost
three fingers bya buzz saw, consoled
himself by taking three fingers of
Whisky.
An exchange wanting to compli-
ment Live Stock Journal says
1t is edited by man whose head is
full of live stock.
Why is woman trying her corset
like man drinking to drown care?
because in solacing herself she be-
comes tight.
Took all out-A scotch editor apol-
ogizes for the lack of rhyme in his
paper by saying that his marriage the
week before took all the poetry out
of him.
If q young lady. wishes a young
man to kiss her, what papers would
she mention? No Spectators no
Observers, but as many Times as
you like.
If you were the wife of your grand
mothers uncle's cousins half-sister,
what relation would you be to your
uncle's grandfather's husband, and
how many?
An old gentleman of eighty four
having taken to the altar damsel of
about sixteen. the clergyman said to
him, The font is at the other side
of the church.
DIR. Beecher says: I do not believe
there is such thing as he work and
she-work. I never saw a woman do
mans work handily but I liked her
all the better for it.
An old gent put quietus upon a
young man who chaffed him about
his bald head in these words: young
man, when my head gets as soft as
yours I can raise hair to sell.
A cynical admirer of MIR. Seward
says there is now but one thing left
for the great statesman to complete
the roll of human experiences, and
that is to go up in balloon.
A southern editor, evidently hen
picked, says that if in our school
DAYS the rule of three is proverbially
trying, how much harder in after life
do we feel the rule of one?'
A rich man asked a poor person if
he had any idea of the advantages
arising from riches. 1 believe they
give rouge an advantage over an
honest man. was the answer.
A reader writes to the Baltimore
Sun that he takes no stock in the
new women's club He says the
'old woman's club is enough for
him, and frequently most too much.
A Jew was observed looking very
inteDtly at prodigious fine ham.
what are you saying to that ham.
Mr.. Jacobs?' L was saying to it:
Thou almost persuadest me to be a
christian"
Mr.. Speaker said member of the
Jamaica Legislature. discussing bill
for the regulation of the timber trade.
L know these timber merchants to be
most aggregious rascals-I was in the
timber line myself twelve years.
Northern Iowa, though countle IS
hordes of potato bugs have spent the
season there. never had so large and
fine crop of potatoes as this year,
and it is now doubted whether they
were genuine bugs or angels in dis.
guise.
A quarrelsome couple were discuss.
ing the subjects of epitaphs and
tombstones, and the husband said
My dear, what kind of stone dc
you suppose they will give me when
1 die? Birthstone, my love- was the
affectionate reply.
Mrs. Gould, of Cape Elizabeth
Mass, last week accidentally ran the
points of a pair of scissors into the
palm of her hand. She dressed til.
wound and appeared to think no NOR,
about it. Two days afterwards lock
jaw superyened, and she died.
SPARKS OF WIsDoM.-He VIII.
sows brambles must look well to hi
choac