The Manitowoc tribune. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1866-1878, 1871-01-12
HORNS.
BY JOSH BILLINGS

astonished tew find so menny oy them,
and so entirely different In their pedigree
| and pretenshuns.
CAPE HoRN.-Cape Horn IL the big
gest known to man.
It liz a native ov the extreme bottom
ov South Ameriki, and cores the oshun.
Cape horn liz hollow and axis as a
phunnel for the winds, which hurry thru
it In mulch b.ste. cauZiIg the waters ov
the sea for crate and pitch stremen-
jus.
This horn IL like a sour old bull in the
hiway, and don't seem tew he OF any use,
only tew make folks 60 out oY their way
tew git around it.
HORN OF A Observation-Disclosures IL
derived from the siamese verb ''dlOss,
which means a title spot, and hez horn
on each end ov it.
There IL no choice In these two horns +,
If yu seize one ov them the other moy
perforate yu, and if w don't take either
both ov them may pitch into yu.
[ always avoid them if possible, but
when possibility gives out, MI rule LIZ teW
shut up both eyes. and lite both prongs
with my whole grit. -,
Nine times out ov ten this will smash
a dilemma, and it liz alWuS good lite II
-yu git licked in the tenth.
Ye kant argy or reason with the horn
ov dilemma, the only way IL to advance
in and fight for the gross amount
Cow HORN. Two bony projeck-
shuns, carved, crooked or strate, worn by
the cows on the apeks of their beds, for
armament in time of peace. and used when
they go into war to stab with.
These horns are kind of family re-
chord. At three years old a ring appears
on the bottom ov the horn next to the
head, and each year after fresh ring is
born.
In this way the COWS kno how old they
are.
Sum.imes these rings fill up the whole
horn and grow off onto the adjoining
fences in the pasture lot, but this only
happens to very old cows.
[ never knu it tew happen In mi life,
and | dom t think it ever did, it is one ov
them venerable lies that are handed
down from father TO son, just to keep the
stock ov lies from running out.
When [ waz boy was told that but
ter cum from cows horn-I hav since
found out that this liz another cussed old
lie.
This Icing tew children IL no evidence
ov genius. and IL sowing the seeds ov de-
cepshun In soil too apt bi natur tew
covet what amt undoubtedly so.
DINNER HORN. This is the Oldest
and most sakred horn that IL. 1t IL set
tew musk, and plays ''Home Sweet
Home" about noon. 1t has bin listened
tew, with more rapturous delite, than
even Graffula' band haz. Yu kan hear
it further than yu kan one ov Mir. Rod
mans guns. 1t will arrest man, and
bring him in quicker than sheriff S
warrant. 1t ken outfoot eny other noize.
1t kauses the deaf to hear, and the dunn
to shout for joy. Glorious old instru-
ment long may yure lungs last!
WHISKY HORN This horn varys
in length, but from three to six inches il
the tavorite size.
1t il different from other horns,- being
oV fluid natur.
1t is really more pugnashus than the
ram s horn; six inches of it knox man
PERFECTLY calm.
When it knoks man down it holds
him there.
1t IL either the principal of the seek
| ond Ia most all the iniqulty that IL trav-
cling around.
1t makes brutes of men, demons of
WImmlu aud Migrants of children.
Lit has drawn more tears, broken more
hearts and blinded more hopes than all
the other agencys Of the devil put togeth-
er.
Horn COMB" simple, little,
unsophistikated instrument haz behead
ed countless legions ov innocent children.
[ don't mean that it haz cut oph their
heads, but that it has cut its way thru
, the hirsute enclosing that adorns their
skalps.
1t haz two rows of sharp teeth, and al
ways haz good appetite.
1t IL always az ready for jab as vii
iage lawyer, and IL az thorough az a sarch-
warrant.
1t IL an emblem Of faith and neatness.
When it gifts old and loses its teeth, it
should be cherished, hung up and label
ed, We'll done, old mowser."
[ always look upon an old and worn
out horn tooth comb with species OF
venerashun, bordering on melancholy.
| 1t reminds me ov mi boyhood, and the
! boyish things that waz running through
| nj head in thoze days ov simplicity and
| innocence.
Thare IL a CRATE menny other kinds ov
/ horns, but [ haint got the time to tell w
! all about them now. Thare IL the Pow
| der Horn the Horn ov the Bull
Head, and the Horn of Plenty" and
there il also Horn Tooke," celebrated
writer of his day but good by-by fol-
the present.