Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-06-22
Humorous Readings.

Wanted to know, how many square
rods are contained in a wiseacre.
Appropriate diet-Parties behind time
should be fed on ketch-up.
A musical young lady AYERS that a com
poser can make overtures to any one.
A man who has tried it says that all
short cuts to wealth are overcrowded.
A liberal translation of "tempus fugit"
is "few get time" - -a
Little fish have proper idea of busi-
ness. Not being able to do better they start
on small scale.
Cook-"Oh, it's from your pa, is it,
Master Tom Well, the telegraph may
be very wonderful, but it don't take me
in, and if that's your pas writing, I'll eat
my head" ..-. .a-.. s-ar.s
Some one wrote to Horace Greeley in
quiring If guano was good to put on po-
tatoes. He said it might do for those
whose tastes had become vitiated with
tobacco and rum, but he preferred gravy
and butter. -.-s~. .sa ..- r
81 despise mankind" said an arro-
CANT millionaire to noted clergyman. u
see you have studied your own character" !"
was the quiet reply.
A lady remarked on a very ignorant
man, who was complimented on his good
sense, " be ought to have great stock of
good sense, for he never spe1actS any"
A Boston lady says she would be per-
fectly happy if she could be sure that af-
ter death she would be turned into grass
seed and be planted on the Common.
This world is feeting show" said a
priest to culprit on the gallows. eyes, y
was the prompt reply, 'but if you have
no objections [ should like to see the show
little longer"
Henpeck-"My love, 1 am happy to in
form you that I have insured my life !!
Mrs. H.-"Then you ought to be ashamed
of such selfish action. Insure your own
life, indeed lit doesn't matter about
mine, suppose ?" 49,, .aet 3. ss.l--
A country pager speaking of the street
organ playing of soldier without arms,
who worked the crank with his feet, hap
PLY says: His playing was far above
the usual average; he threw his whole
sole into it."
The strongest passions allow us some
, rest. but vanity keeps us in perpetual mo
ton. "What dust 1 do raise p said th,
fy upon the coach well. "At what a ratt
: do 1 drive - said the mosquito upon the
{ horses back. ~... -. .. ........ .-
Servant looks into the breakfast room
s and says "Please, madame there's beg
gar in the kitchen wants something K
eat!" Mistress "Give her the water il
which the eggs were boiled, Bridget; it il
quite nutritious"
, An old farmer said to his sons Boys
don't you ever wait for summit to turI
q up You might jest as well 60 an 81
: down on stone in the middle of q med
\ der, with pail Rtwixt your legs, an wal
for a cow to back up TO yon to be milksd.
Some people make their religion go
5 long way A good woman bought lot
/ terry ticket the other day. sccompsnyin:
l.. the purpose with the solloquy, "Th
Lord knows how it'll turn out It's al
in the hands of the Almighty, L s'Pos"."
!, 4 New Hampshire Irishman becam
"a frightened while being lowered into
deep well the other day, and cried out t.
IS the men above that if they did not han
!. Din up NC u Cub lu6 AOPG. IL SAfS. sA
. rope they bauled him up.
9 DR.. Franklin recommends young maj
in the choice of wife, to select her fror
a blt1cb, giving as his reason, that whel
n there are many daughters they improv
each other, and from emulation scquir
more accomplishments, aud know more
and 10 more, than a single child sPoile
by parental fondness. .--..
Y The witty John Clefk, the barriste
It, who was lame, overheard lady remar
II to friend, That's Mr. Clerk, the lam
,t lawyer" Mr.. Clerk, who was passin
along the street, turned round and az
dressing the lady, said: ''No, madam,
D. am lame man, but not lame lawyer"
% AS the Rev. DE- Prindle of Perth, WI
W walking one afternoon upon the Inch, tw
es Young beaux asked him if he could te
them the color of the DEVILS wig. The
=, worthy clergyman, surveying them after
- lively for a few seconds, made the follow
~ ing reply: Truly, here Is a most su
a prising cise-two men have served ma
of ter ali the days of their life, and can't te
the color Of his wig"