The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-30
II U M oRoUs 1T EMS.

asked him what had become of Patrick,
OMurphcy? "Arrah, now my dear
honey" answered he, " Paddy was con-
demned to be hanged, but saved his life
by dying in prison"
BeG" A man sentenced to be hung was
visited by his wife, who said" My dear,
would you like to have the children see
you executed 2" " No he replied. That's
just like you," said she, you never want
the children to have any enjoyment"
pB~ What kind of pens do you sell
here, mister ?" asked boy of stationer.
eve keep all kinds, you young vaga-
bond" was the rude reply
Oh, you do, do You? Well then, I'll
take ten cents worth of pig pens"
REG A colored barber out West, being
summoned to set as juror, was, on the
usual examination asked Are you
voter 2" and brought down the house by
answering: Use black enough, but not
old enough"
eas- Pray, Miss C" said a gem
tleman, one evening, why are ladies SO
fond OF ot1cers !!
How stupid" replied Miss C
q Is it not natural and proper that lady
should like good offer, sir ?'
4 marble cutter near Lockport recently
received from German an order for a
tomb stone, with the following opitaph
- My vive Susan is ded if she had life
till next Friday she'd been ded shust two
weeks As a tree fall so must she stand.
All things is impossible NIT God"
ass- A youngster while perusing
chapter in Genesis, turning to his mother
inquired if people in those days used to
do sums on the ground. 1t was discover
ed that he had been reading the passage,
And the sons of men multiplied upon
the face of the earth"
Esg~ A young urchin being severely
reprimanded by his mother for saying
helr' remembered the chastisement,
and on the following Sabbath when the
minister, in preaching, used the word
leaped up and exclaimed, . BY jings if
you had my mother to deal with, you
wouldn't swear that way without getting
licked, l know"
bas" Our little four-year old remarked
to her mamma on going to bed, Il am
not afraid of the dark" No, of course
you are not, replied her mamma, /" for
it cant hurt you" But, mamma, l
was little afraid once, ,swhen | went into
the pantry to get II cookie" "What
were you afraid Of ?" asked her mamma
q was afraid couldn't find the cookies
HN- An editor who was evidently in
sane or had a strong and vivid imagina-
ton recently got off the following appro-
pirate item, if true:
had dream the other night,
When everything was still
dreamed that each subscriber
Came in and paid his bill.
Each wore a look Of honesty,
And smiles were round each eye,
| AS they handed out the coin,
Saying, Chow is that for high?"
BsaS~ A physician, who is something of
wag, called on colored Baptist minister
and propounded few puzzing questions.
"Why is it" said he, I" that you are not
able to do the same miracles that the
apostles did ? They were protected against
poisons and all kinds of perils ; how is it
that you are not protected in the same
way p The colored brother responded
promptly /: . Don't know about that, Doc
tor. 'spect l is, ! have tooken
mighty sight of strong medicines from
you, Doctor, and is alive yet"
Dg- A laughable scene, says the Ma
quota (Iowa) EGcelsior, occurred in the
Clinton county district court, the other
day. A well-dressed young man from
the rural districts was summoned by the
sheriff for juror He objected, but it
was no use, the officer of the law said " in
the name of the State of Iowa you are
hereby commanded" and he must come.
Upon entering the court, the young man
stepped up to the judge and whispered
in his ear. The judge smiled audibly,
and remarked to the court that the young
man had a marriage license in his pocket,
and that detention on the jury would
spoil the whole affair. Amid shouts of
laughture, the prospective head of a
family was excused.
BsSn The worst joke, says an exchange,
that was ever perpetrated on scientific
men took place recently at Louisiana,
Missouri A man was sick with rheuma-
tism, or something, and fellow went
around to the doctors and professors and
things, and told them that it was the
fuoaroct caea on rncord He said the