Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1871-12-02
"Mice and men, Burns says" answer.

| ed.
"Well, mice and rats is all one, and so
| is men and fools sometimes, as 1 have found
in my travels. l was so sure she would
have me that went off and spent all my
money for fine clothes, thinking would
have them ready for the wedding-and /
did Confound that widow. l SAY Con-
found all the widows Thursday evening
came at last, although it was long time
about it, and over went, dressed into fits,
and feeling as big as Josh Raynor did when
he was elected coroner. l got there about
dark, and found right smart crowd col
lected, which was not on the bills, but /
felt as big and as good as the rest of 'em.
So marched in like blind mule into a
potato patch, and took seat by the fire.
l didn't see anything of the widow, but l
kept looking for her to come in and send
for me, and passed away the time by cussin'
the crowd to myself, thinking they had no
business there, and / would not get to talk
to my woman bit Presently, the door
opened and in walked Polly and that dad
burned doctor, and n whole team of boys
and girls fixed up savagely, l tell you. l
looked around for fiddler thinking they
were going to have ball, but / wondered
what they all kept so still for, and was
about proposin' a reel, when up gifts little
preecher, and before you could swallow a
live oyster, he had Polly and the doctor
married faster than Mexican greaser
could tie bulls horns. / was so COM
pletcly tlumixcd that / set there with my
mouth open like l was goin' to swallow the
whole crowd, and my eyes looked like bill
lard balls till the ceremony was over, when
jumped up and beloved
:" Il forbid the concern from being consti-
tutcd =
IL -. Il
says the preacher, and they all commenced
laughing like they had seen something fun
ny.
III be burned squizzled if | don't be
soon enough for somebody yet said 1, for
l.was mad, Squire, and no mistake in the
ticket Il do believe | could have eat up
that doctor quicker than n hungry dog
could swallow a squirrel skin, if | could
have had n fair chance at HIM. 1t was
too bad, after l had fixed up to marry her
myself, for her to walk right out under my
eyes and marry that great baboon."
1T was bad, that is a fact" said |.
bad !" cried he, sit was meancr than
eating fried coon. l first thought I'd 90
straight home but then l concluded that
wouldn't spite nobody, 50 1 determined to
stay and see if could not get satisfaction
out of somebody. You know I'm the devil
when take a notion, and I'd taken one
that night that went all over me like
third-day chill, so | commenced a studyin'
out some plan. | recollected hearing the
doctor say that where he come from, (but
the Lord only knows where that was,) the
bride and groom always washed their faces
together before they went to bed, as a
charm against inlidelity or imbecilty, or
some other long word. While | was study
in about that, | spicd the doctors saddle
bags setting in the corner, so l waited till
they went in to supper, and then got the
bays and looked u see what L could dis
cover. Nearly the first thing saw was Il
piece of lunar caustic | slipped it into my
pocket, for | had my plan rs | saw it.
Well, watched around till | saw one Of
the girls go to the pail with the pitcher, so
| went out and asked her what she was
going to do with it. She said she was 60
ing to carry it into the room for the Doctor
and Polly to wash iheir faces in. | kept
talking TO her while she was filling the
pitcher, and when she turned her head,
dropped the caustic into it.. 1t was then
about bed time and got my hat aud put
ont, but | couldn't help laughing all the
way home, whenever Id !hiuk about next
morning.
"Wcll, Squire, they do say that when
that couple walked up carly next morning
they both had the hardest kind of fits, each
one thinking that they had been sleeping
with II niggcr. Oh, it was rich lie n
cussin' aud tcarin' up things, and she II
screamin' and flintin' and comm to and
goin' of again, and me not there to see it.
They made such n rascally racket that the
folks broke into the room to see what was
the matter, and there they was with their
facos and hands all as black as the inside
of an old stovc-pipe. I'd a give half of my
interest in t'othcr world just 10 have been
at some place where | could have seen the
whole row, AS soon as they had found
out that they was really the same folks
that was married the night before, they
called for warm water and soap, but just
here the doctor happened to think about
the pitcher, and took it to the door to see
what was the matter. There was a little
piece of caustic that had not dissolved, and
soon as he saw it, he says:
"'lt's no use washing, Polly. All the
soap in New York city can't wash that oil.
THAT WAS the truth, Squire. Soap and
water had no more effect than it would on
native born African, and all the chance
was to wait and let it wear OF. How long
it took them to get white again | never
found out, but one thing do know" he
concluded, getting up To 90 out, 'thc next
time | saw the doctor had the hardest
fight, and come the highest getting whalcd
that avar 1 did I'm nv horn llVS ~