The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1871-09-29
EMPORIA NEWS,
Friday, september Do. Ia71
EQUAL TO MARK TWAIN.

Newspaper writers will thoroughly
appreciate the following o'er-true tale,
which we take from the Philadelphia
Dispatch:
A week or two ago one of our report
ers had occasion to refer to a certain
woman, whom we will call Hannah
smith, as a denizen of the Eleventh
Ward. A day or two afterward huge
man entered the Office with his brow
clothed with thunder. In his baud he
carried fearful club, and at his side
trotted a bulldog whom hunger had
evidently made desperate. With that
quick appreciation of the situation
which is creditable to the superior in
telligence of educated men, the editor
OF this paper and the proprietors dart
ed to the window, climbed outside, slid
down the lightning-rod, and went
across the street to watch the bloody
fray through spy-glass. With the
fearlessness of conscious innocence we
sat still, merely inserting our legs in
two sections of stove-pipe to guard
against any misapprehension of facts
on the part of the bull dog. The man
with the club approached.
"Are you the editor Z" he asked, spit
ting on his hand and grasping his club.
We told him that the editor was out |;
that he had gone TO the north pole with
Captain Hall, and that he would not re-
turn before 1876, in time for the CEN
tennial celebration. =
care you the proprietor 2" asked the
man.
We explained to him that we were
not; that the proprictors were also out !;
that they had gone to South America
for the purpose of investigating the
INN NJ H.
they expected to remain there for seve-
raj years.
"Well, whoever you are" exclaim-
ell the warrior, "my name is Smith,
We told him we were glad because,
If there was one thing better than the
possession of the name of Smith, it was
the privilege of knowing q man of that
name. "But Smith," we said, "why
this battle array? 1t is absurd for a
man to put on the panoply of war, and
frisk into editors sanctums fumbling q
club and accompanied by disheartcn-
ing bull dog, simply because his name
happens to be Smith,"
He said he called in to burst the head
OF the man who had insulted his Sis
ter.
at is impossible, Smith, that such a
thing could have been done by any one
in this Office"
"Is, but it was, though and her name
was published, too! Miss Smith-Miss
Hummer Smithw
"May we be permitted to inquire,
Mr.. Smith, what was the precise
character of the affront offered to Han
nah ~
"Well, you see," said Smith, "the
blackguard said she was q denizen.
And want you to understand" ex-
claimed Smith, becoming excited, and
brandishinQ his club in a wild manner
over our head, while the bull dog ad-
vanced and commenced to snuff up and
down our stovepipe-"I want you to
understand she is decent young wo-
man, with good character, and none
of your denizens and such truck. The
man who says she is a denizen is a
blackguard and thief, and I'll smash
him over the nose if / get chance.
They may say what they please about
me, but the man who abuses my sister
has got to suffer-" And Smith struck
the table in a violent manner with his
club, while the bulldog put his fore
legs up on the back of our chair.
We pacified Smith with dictionary
We pointed out to that raging warrior
that the Websterian definition of the
word "denizen" gives such a person an
uHofIending character and deprives the
term OF everything like reproach
Smith said he was satisfied, and he
shook hands and kicked the bulldog
down stairs. The editor and proprie.
tor, seeing that all was safe, immediate.
ly climbed the lightning-rod and soon
appeared at the window, where they
were introduced to Smith, with the re-
mark that they had returned from the
North Pole and the cline of the cundu.
range somewhat Unexpectedly, in or.
der to surprise their relations.
And now we suppose Smith will be
mad because we have told this story
about him, and he will be coming dowr
to interview us again, in wars magni
ficent stern array with fresh bulldog
But it will be in vain. We have rent
cd an Office in the top of the shot-tow
or, and have planted torpedoes ani
spring guns all the way up tho stairs
We warn this incendiary Smith to be
ware.