The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1871-12-16
Humorous Items.



Is reshed by the wisest men,"
TO start baulky mule, twist bis tail hard
If all flesh is grass, is hay beef la moved?
TO remove stains from character-Get rich.
1t is asserted that great deal of the mischief
in the world has been wrought by homely women
EARLY marriages and no divorce laws is the
right thing for women says Mrs. Sarah Norton.
"A bad marriage is like an electric machine
it makes you dance but you can't let go.
Eyeglasses are worn by young swels to let
people know that their eys affected as well as
their brains.
The latest style of wells worn With bonnets
are of plain black tue, without hem or trim
ming of any kind.
The latest style of bridal wells are of while
figured Spanish lace, with wide hem edges with
narrow silk fringe.
What would pig do who wished to build
himself habitation? Tie knot in his tail, and
call it a pig's-tie
"A Georgia negro tainted away and was re-
stored to consciousness by friend who hathed
his forehead with buggy trace.
Talk about close figuring, we know a man
who quarreled with his landlady when the day
of reckoning came, because she would not deduct
anything on account of bis having lost two teeth
Horace Greeley is reported as authority for
the latcs, rule to secure profit from poultry. 1t
it is desired TO make them lay, he says, tie their
legs together, and then they can't stand up.
Pink seems to be The prevailing color 10
feathers and flowers on black velvet bohnets this
season. and wish some one would be indie
pendent enough to wear different color.
--"John, said chockney lawyer TO his 500
~ see yon never will do for an attorner y on
have no nenergy" Excuse me, father, said
John, ''what want is some of your chckcnr "
An Irishman's pea--"Are you guilt, q. lr
guilty ?' asked the clerk of arraigns, TO p~1uurr
the other day. AN sure now" said Pd
what are you put there for but To find that %
The editor Of a country paper remarks thni
half the people who attend musical entertainments
10 his town don know the the differnce between
a sy mphony and n sariine."
A pretty, rich young widow was regarding
herself lately at mirror in her chamber, while
for the first tine trying on her widow 3 cap, 'be-
hold, she exclaimed, ''the real cap of liberty
An Irishman who had blistered bis fingers
By endeavoring to pull on pair Of boots, ex-
claimed q" behave shall niver get thin on un-
til wear thin day or two"
A Brooklyn husband who was kissing tbs
chambermaid little, WAS surprised by his wife
but got off with only one black eye by quoting
Mrs. Stanton, who says 'the freer the relations
between human beings the happier"
"A guild of ladies is proposed in England
under the leadership of Miss Harrison Swung
Dorseishire, Ito promote modesty OF dress, to do
away with extravaganza, and sul stitute the neat
ness and sobrety suitable to Christian women.
"A young married man was remarking to
some ladies that ii was always the women who
ran after the men, when his wife indignantly
said, ''you know, my dear, ! never ran after
YOU" 'That may be-" be replied, ''hut you
took mighty good care not TO get out of the way :"
"A negro woman was relating her experience
TO gaping congregation Of color, and among
other things she said she had been in heaven
One of the ladies asked her, Sister, did you see
any blacks in heaven r. '.Oh, git oui You
S pose go in the kitchen when was dar."
Young ladies at this season Of the year are
spending great deal of time in embroldering
slippers, smoking caps and cigar cases for their
gentlemen friends, under the impression that such
presents are very highly appreciated and valued
when received
The Inconsistency of woman shines forth
with great brilljancy in the case of the New Ha-
ven girl who informed young fellow that she
hated him with her whole heart and SOUL and in
one hour thereafter sent him note stating that
she would elope with him that night.
"A gentleman travelling homeward from At
lanta met an old colored man, on whose bat was
entwined with the Grape of grief. The gentleman
said, ''Thou have lost some friend, see." ''Yes
massa. = "Wsssit .es- or -Gi-tsnt cslat:ge-9,t
"Well, pretty distant-'bout twenty -four miles "
A Detroit negro prisoner on the way TO the
penitentiary for larceny, was asked what he
thought of bis trial. Hesaid "When dat lawyer
dat tended me made his speech, | thought shauh
| was gwine to take my ole hat walk righr
out OBJ dat co't-room but de odder lawyer got
up an commenced talking, and | new | was de
biggest rascalon top OBJ de earf."
The story is told of negro who prayed
earnestly that he and his colored brethren might
be preserved from what he called their "upse;tin'
sins" 'Brudder," said one of his friends at the
close of the meeting, you amt go; de hang OF dat
ar word 'Itsbesettin', not upsetin' :" "Brnd-
der" replied the other, 'if dat's SO it's So But
| was praying de Lord to save US from de sin Of
intoxicaiion, and if dat amt upaettin' sin,
dunno what am"
Miss De Ford, lady of handsome presence,
will, they say, be one OF ibe most popular beles
of Baltimore this winter, although formidable
rival exists in Miss Shriver, whose beautiful
golden hair elicits such warm admiration. Bal
tmore, Though. is full to repleiion with beauties
some who entered last year or year before, bul
who, so far from being faded, remind one of old
wine, which has toned into mellow beauty and
sparkles more brightly than ever before.