The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1871-08-05


The story is short one. In the fall OF
1872, Horace Greeley, the editor OF a
newspaper in New York, was elected
President OF the United States. The
people voted for him because they
thought he was an honest man. And
so he was. But he was also vain and
weak, and he entertained certain fan
atical and preposterous notlons-about
agricultural matters, for instance
which he was determined to force upon
the people at all hazards, and despite
all opposition. He believed, among
other things, that every man ought e
90 to the West to earn his bread,&
long before he was chosen Presidency =
used to advise everybody to move d
that region as q cure ,foE all the dis
nasNss hatSsouiS Sefaff the human fam
Ay.\~
h As soon as he reached the Executive
Mansion, which we used to call the
White House, President Greeley or
gan md an army OF two pahed thou
entire population of the seaboard States
westward at the point Of, thes baySpetS
Tks, tmostESSSe was used. TN8
fwho resisted w&e shot down, aM theH
Adead bodies were carted off to a national
factory which the President had estab'
lished for making some kind Of fantas-
teal fertilizer. All the large cities OF
the East were depopulated, and the
towns were entirely empty. The army
swept before it millions OF men, women
and children, until the vast plains west
of Kansas were reached, when the pur'
suit ceased and the army was drawn up
in a continuous line, with orders to
shoot any person who attempted to visit
! the East OF course hundreds Of thou
sands OF these poor creatures persisted
from starvation. This seemed TO
frighten President Greeley, and he sent
message to Congress, recommending
that seven hundred thousand volumes
OF book of his, entitled What !
Know About Farming, should be voted
for the relief of the starving sufferers.
This was done, and farming imple-
ments and seeds were supplied, and
then the millions OF wretched outcasts
made an effort to till the ground. Of
the result Of this will speak further on.
In the meantime the President was
doing infinite harm to the country IN
another way. His handwriting was so
feartully and wonderfully bad that no
living man could read it. And SO,
when he sent his first annual message
to Congress-the document was devoted
wholly to the tariff and agriculture-a
sentence appeared which subsequently
was ascertained to be Large cultivation
of rutabagas and beans is the only hope
of the American nation, | am sure.
The printers not being able to interpret
this, put it in the following form, In
which it went to/the world: The Car
of Russia couldn't keep clean if he
washed himself in the whole OF the
Atlantic ocean once a day. This per
version of the message was Immediately
telegraphed to Russia by the Russian
minister, and the Gar was so Indignant
that he Immediately declared war. JUS
at this time President Greeley under
took TO write some letters to Prince Bis
marck upon the subject OF potato rot
and, after giving his singular views a
great length, he concluded with the
statement that if the Emperor William
said that subsoil blowing was not gooc
in light soils, or that guano was better
than bone dust, he was liar, villain
and a slave OF course the Emperor
Immediately declared war, and became
an ally OF Russia and of England
against which latter country Mr.. Gree
! lev had actually begun hostilities al
ready, because the Queen, In hel
speech from the throne, had decIar
ed the Tribme's advocacy Of
tariff on pig iron incendiary, anc
calculated to disturb the peace OF ma
tons. Unhappily this was not the III!
measure of our disasters. The Presl
dent had sent to the Emperor of Austrls
a copy of his book, What l Know,
etc. with his autograph upon tiy-leaf
The Emperor mistook the signature FOL
a caricature of the Austrian eagle, anc
he readily Joined in the war agalns
the United States; while France was
provoked to the same act by the TACT
when the French Minister came to cal
upon Mr.. Greeley to present his creden
tails, the President, who was writing al
editorial at the same time, not compre
hending the French language, mlstooB
the ambassador for a beggar, and with
out looking up handed him quartel
and an order for clean shirt, and SAID
to him, go West, young man-gc
Vest" So all the nations Joined II
making war upon the United States
They swooped down upon our coasts
and landed without opposition, for those
exposed portions Of our unhappy c 0nn
try were absolutely deserted. Inc
President was afraid to call away the
army from Kansas at first, for fear tnt
outraged people upon the plains woulc
come East in spite of him. But at las
he did summon the army to his aid
and it moved TO meet the enemy. II
was too late. Before the troops reached
Cincinnati the foreigners had seizec
Washington and all the country east o
the Ohio, and had hung the President
the Cabinet, and every member of Con
gress. The army disbauded in alarm
and the invaders moved to the far west
; where they found the population dying
of starvation, because they had fol
lowed the advice of Greeley's book t.
: Try, for your first crop, to raise lines
: and don't plant more than bushel o
I ouicklime in hillr Of course thes
wretched people were at the mercy o
: the enemy, who to his credit be it sail
treated them kindly, fed them, an