Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1871-03-22
Royai Reyeries of Nj. Quad.

Royal Reyeries Of M. Quad.
In an epistle published in the Detroit Free
Press, NJ. Quad observes
If should mount throne believe that l
would run this king business entirely different
from the manner iu which it is now conducted:
| think the throne Of Spain would suit me, and
I haven any doubts that would just suit the
Spanish after a few trials. 1t dldn TIT would
be because they couldn'ta!ppreclatc the hand. ian
some thing Besides having oysters and hot
biscuit three times day, | should make 4
change in the matter Of cookery. Ii any hotel
keeper went to serving out hash under L French
title two: lines long, I would give him little
law that he'd never forget. Soups should be
put down on the bills as soups, and If any wait
er brought in thirteen nap pkius and small bit
Of beef as the whole Of man dinner, dhavc
my prime minister make the fellow chew nap
kns all the rest of his life. And, when travel
Ter came. to settle his bill. and the proprietor
went to arguing the three-dollar- er-day idea,
| should send for that landlord and ask him II
he wouldn' be content if ne had three or tour
national banks rolled in behind the desk, and
tell him he could keep no tavern III SPAN, not
while was around As for the clerk, If he
were like some that know OF, his lalnentlns
relative would be dividing up the estate within
There's another thing that / have often
thought of: I'd take little railroad excursions,
carving along fair to. medium trunk and
I'd watch the baggage smashers. When
they put the trunk off, and found that both
handles we're off, the lock broken, the lid split,
the hinges bent, the ends knocked in, l d say :
See here my fine fellow, | want to see you at
my Office on a little private business: lie d
naturally think of the Cross of the Legion OF
Honor, the red ribbon and the iron medal, but
he'd change his miud when he saw the dang
line rope and the gallows. He'd never smash
another trunk, not in Spain. AS for ticket
agents ut the depots, should first give them
warning Id cnighten them a little by III
forming them they could ma kc Just as many
friends, and do just as much business, and
have the road just as we'll thought OF, by re-
turning civil answers to travellers and BY treat
ing men and women as people ought TO he
treated. Id tell him once, and if he dldn t
concnr with nv sentiments. why, there be Il
good many friends around lnQulrlng tor HIM
next day :,
There $ another thing Ia do for Spain.
First, I'd issue the following call :..
SPECIAL NOTICE. Spanish gentle
man who desires to hold fat Office, with big
nav and stealings ATTACHED, will please meet ut
NV Office on the lst of February"
They'd come. They'd come in wagons,
carts, wheelbarrows, on canal boats by rail
roads, balloons-they come riding on each
Others backs if there was no other conveyance.
There would be few respectable men hanging
around, and I'D fix every one OF them up with
pair of COW hide boots, solestour inches thick
I'd call the crowd in, one by one, and after Il
short address on the subject Of the general de,
sire to hold very little office for great deal
of pay, Id turn the gentlemen around, give q
word to the ekickers-wellt they could call around
some other time if they wanted any more
Office
About woman S rights I think I should have
something to say about that. I'D get list OF
the females who are galiyanting around Spain
bowling for their rights and L d invite them tc
call on me, adding that I favored woman
rights very much. They'd call-thcy'd, be Oh
hand before daylight. If there were thlrteeI
Of them, I'd have thirteen mops handy, anc
the way these thirteen "righters" shou1ie
handle these thirteen ,mops would make the
splinters fly. Ofcoursc | would not seek to de-
grade lady in any way, but the mop wa
patented before woman S rights, and somehow
I never think of woman's rights without ast
seeming to see pair Of pantaloons swinging IN
the air before me- - :, J., r;.i--ia
fVc ny-cD - rrratcb-