The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-06-30

A man whom we can put up with
A good hotel keeper.
If twice eleven are twenty-five, how
can twice ten be twenty too?
People should never interpret max.
inns too literally. To "speed the part.
ing guest it Is not necessary to kick
him down stairs.
The Indiana gentleman who used to
bite off snakes heads has gone where
the violets are blooming. His practice
realized just about stamps enough to
pay for his coffin and burial lot.
81 have this evening been preaching
to a congregation of asses," said a con-
ceited young parson. "Then that was
the reason you always called them be
loved brethren Pr replied a strong
minded lady.
a Milwaukee paper says that citi-
zen there had white hair after coming
out of family fight, being thoroughly
frightened. The wife couldn't have got
fair hold or there wouldn't have been
any left to make the item Of.
AT the dinner of an Irish Association,
not long since, the following toast was
given Here's to the president of the
society, Patrick O. Rafferty,, an may he
live to eat the chicken that scratches
over his grave"
If going uncovered indicates rever-
ent spirit, as is claimed in some coun-
tries, many of our ladies in fashionable
circles are patterns of reverence. They
are head and shoulders in advance of
the world in general.
If 90 grains make q scruple, how
many will make doubt? If 7 days
make one week, how many will make
one strong? If 54'yards make pole,
how many will make turk? If three
miles make league, how many will
make confederacy? If four quarters
make a yard, how many will make
garden?
One Of the 'school marms" who re.
Gently went to Oregon to engage in the
duties of her vocation. thus writes to
her friends at home: "a panther was
killed last week, near my school.room,
measuring seven from the tip of the
ears to the extremity of the tail and
seven back again, making fourteen in
ALL"
"THAT man," said wag, "came to
Nashua forty years ago, purchased a
basket and commenced gathering rags.
How much do you suppose he is worth
now?" 1t was a conundrum we could
not answer. "Nothing," he continued
after pause, "and he ows for the
basket"
Some forty years ago, when mans
respectability depended much on his
taking newspaper, certain shrewd
old fellow was one morning enjoying
the luxury of perusing his paper (al-
though he labored under the disadvan-
tage Of not knowing single letter of
the alphabet), when a more knowing
neighbor Of his happening in-perhaps
to borrow his paper-observed to him
that he had his paper wrong end up.
The old gentleman, drawing himself
up in all the pomposity of affronted
dignity, exclaimed -"I would have
you to know, sir, that if 1 take paper
and pay for 1t, have right to read it
which end up please"
JEALOUSY DID IT.-JealOusy is dis
agreeable quality to get along with, but
it produces good deal of the excite
ment which keeps people alive, and
not unfrequently gives rise to some
rather ludicrous scenes. A lady in Vir-
ginia who was subject to this unpleas-
ant malady lately returned home, after
short absence, and took the precaution
TO reconnoiter through the key-hole be-
fore entering her room, when she saw
her husband tenderly adjusting shawl
upon the shoulders of a woman. Here
was confirmation strong as proof of
hold writ" that all had not been right
in her absence. She procured shot
gun from an adjoining room, suddenly
opening the door, and lodged the deadly
chargein the back OLA dummy which
her husband, who dealt in dry goods,
had brought home in order to put it in
repair during the lonely hours of his
wife's absence. After this incident it
was still more in need ofrepair, but the
woman's mind was in more healthy
condition than before
A CHINESE VILLA Chinaman
died, leaving his property by will to his
three sons, as follows: To Fun Hum,
his eldest, one-half thereof; Nu-Pln, his
second son, one-third thereof, and to
Ding Bat, his youngest, One-ninth there
of. When the property was inventoried
it was found to consist of nothing more
or less than seventeen elephants, and il
puzzled these three heirs to decide how
to divide the property according to the
terms of the will without chopping uI
the seventeen elephants, and thereby
seriously impair their value. Finally
they applied to a wise neighbor, Sum
Punk, for advice Sum-Punk had al
elephant of his own. He drove it int
the yard with the seventeen, and said
''Now, we will suppose that your fathe
left these eighteen elephants. Fun
Hum take your half and depart" S
Fum-Hum took nine elephants AM
went his way. "Now, Nu-pin," SAT-
the wise man, stake your third an,
git" So Nu'Pin took six elephant
the wise man. stake your ninth ant
begone. So Ding-Bat took two ele
plants and absquatulated. Then Sum
Punk took his own elephant and drov,
him home again. Query; Was tn,
property divided according to the term
of the will?-EGchange.