Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1871-12-08
ARTRmUs WARD.
NJ NARK TWAIN.

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Artemus Ward was born q humorist,
was funny from bis cradle to his grave.
Once when a school-boy no and .
friend got hold Of q pack Of cards and
INDUCED heavily in euchre. A Baptist
minister was stopping at the house.
and to secrete the cards they placed
them In his black gown, which hung
In a closet. But what was his horror
to SEQ the minister one day In the river
baptising his converts, and presently
the cards commenced to float upon the
water, the first cards being a couple
of bowers and three aces. Well, he
got walloped for this, and his aunt
pictured to him the humiliation Of the
minister. "Said she: 81 don't see
how he got out of It." Artemus re-
piled: 81 don't see how he could help
going out on a hand like that"
Artemus, a you know, vas Charles
F. Browne, born In 1884, at Waterford,
Maine. But he wasn't very stout ; he
was built OH the glove-stretcher prin-
ciple. He came of good old Puritan
stock, and he was proud Of 1t. He says
himself: "The Wards are descended
from that noble rae who fled from
despotism to a land where they could
enjoy their own religion. and prevent
everybody else from enjoying his"
MI. Twain hero referred to his own
ancestors. Said he: az had them In
the Boston massacre at Bunker Hill,
where they were always to be found
among the dead, wounded and missing.
They were generally missing before
the first shot. You see they were
always prompt that way" .
Artemus did not have much educa-
ton, and the reason was that he didn't
like to work or see others do 1t, and
once presented a plan TO the State by
which the treadmllls In which convicts
walk should DO III by steam. He was
proud Of his home, and wasa dutiful,
loving son. The first use he made Of
hiss money was to clear of the debts
on his old homestead.
Artemus had to mako his living
when quite q boy, commencing with q
printer In Skowhegan. He worked so
hard he got disguised, but loved the
name OF Skowhegan. It reminded him
Of the beautiful Spanish names; 1t
sounded so different.
About the age Of sixteen he went to
Boston and got on Mrs. Partington's
CARPET Bag" Then 1t was he wrote
his first piece and dropped it stealthily
Into the office, and how proud he felt
next day, when they gave 1t to him to
set I'D /; then he commenced to write
and write generally. He touched every
thing. He even wrote q column OF q
scientific essay, entitled, "Iz Cats Use
fulP" and sent 1t to the Smithsonian
Institute.
Then he swung around generally
and got to Cleveland, where he became
q reporter. Here he made himself we'll
known in his particular limo. Allud-
Ing to a very slow railroad, he said the
railroad was a breeder of injustice.
He told of u convict who was started
to 90 to the Jail ut the end Of the road,
but got 80 old while going that he
didn't answer the description when he
got there. Speaking Of the same road,
he once told the conductor the cow
catcher should DO on the other end
there the danger lay. "You can't"
said he, ~"overtake a cow, but what's
to hinder one walking In the back door
and biting the passengers"
He once said "to be attached to a
thing makes 1t precious to US, but he
knew q horse that had been attached
for weeks and weeks to a dray, and he
knew from his own personal knowl-
edge that the horse was down on that
drRy." 1881.