Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-10-17
No Such Woman.

A week or two ago one of the re-
porters had occasion to refer to Ger.
tain woman, whom we will call Han
nah Smith, as a denizen of the 18th
Ward. A day or two afterward a
huge man entered the Office with his
brow clothed with thunder. In his
hand he carried fearful club, and at
his side trotted bull dog whom hun
ger evidently had made Desperate
With that quick apprehension of the
situation which is creditable to the SUI
perior intelligence of an educated
man, the editor of this paper and the
proprietor darted to the window,
climbed outside, slid down on the
lightning rod, and went across the
street to watch the bloody fray thro'
a spyglass. With the fearlessness of
conscious innocence we sat still, mere
ly inserting our legs in two sections of
stovepipe to guard against any misap-
prchensions of facts on the part of the
bull dog. The man with the club APP
preached.
"Are you the editor ?" he asked,
splitting on his hand and grasping his
club.
We told him that the editor was
out; that he had gone to the North
Pole with Capt. Hall, and that he
would not return before 1876, in time
for the centennial celebration.
"Are you the proprietor ?" asked
the man.
We explained to him that we were
not; that the proprietors were also
out; that they had gone to South
-tmeriea for the purpose of intesti-
rating the curative properties of cum
Gurago, and they expected to remain
there for several years.
"Well, whoever you are" exclaim-
I'd the warrior, my name is Smith,
We told him we were glad, because,
( there was one thing better than
possession of the name of Smith, it
vas the privilege of knowing man of
tat name. "But, Smith," we said,
Why this battle array? 1t is absurd
for man to put on the panoply of war,
Sld frisk into editors sanctums fumbl-
ing club and accompanied by dis
hcartening bull dog, simply because
Lis name happens to be Smith," |
He said he had called to bust the
head of the man who had insulted his
sister.
at is impossible, Smith, that such
thing could have been done by any
one in this Office"
"Yes, but it was, though; and her
name was published, too Miss Smith
Miss Hannah Smith.
"My we be permitted to inquire,
Mr.. Smith, what was the precise char
acter of the affront offered to Han
nah ?" - So
well, you see," said Smith, "the
Ilackguard said she was a denizen;
and want you to understand" said
Smith, becoming excited and brand
ishing his club in wild manner over
cur head, while the bull dog advanced |
and commenced to snuff up and |
DOWN the stove pipe; II want you to
understand she is decent woman,
with good character, and none of
your denizens and such truck p
"The man who says she is deni-
zen is BLACKBOARD and thief, and I'll
smash him over the nose if I get
chance. They may say what they
please about me, but the man who |
abuses by sister has got to suffer-
And Smith struck the table in vio-
lent manner with his club, while the
bull dog put his fore legs up on the
back of our chair.
We paci6ed Smith with diction-
airy. We pointed out to that raging
warrior that the Websterian definition
Of the word "denizen" gives such
person an unofending character and
deprives the term of everything like
reproach. Smith was satisfied, and he
shook hands and kicked the bull dog
down stairs The editor and proprie-
tor, seeing that all was safe, immedi-
ately climbed the lightning rod and
soon appeared at the window, where
they were introduced to Smith,
with the remark that they had return
cd from the North Pole and the cline
of the cundurago somewhat unexpect-
edly, in order to surprise their rela-
tions.
And now we suppose Smith will be
mad because we have told this story
about him, and he will be coming
down to interview us again in wars
magnifcently stern array, with fresh
bull dog. But it will be in vain. We
4 =. Al IL "a.