The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1871-10-19
A Sanguine Candidate.

'""So'o tiChet dG tue recent election In
San francisco, was one who is of all men
the most sanguiue. On being named, he
Immediately set to work to. "carry the
city" He advertised, and he did more
-he walked up and down the streets and
told all his acquaintances that he was on
the Bell Ringers ticket. A large num-
Der congratulated him and shook hands
with him. Then they walked off medi-
tatively and wondered who the Bell Ring
ers were and when they made their nom
nations; Still he worked" and as he
worked became still more sanguinc of sue.
cess.
On the day before election, several ac-
/ qualntances suggested that he must pro-
cure pastors. ''You can never win, old
fellow, unless you get pasters,' said they.
''You need a great many, too, for every
body will Scratch in your favor"
The suggestion was pleasant the can.
didate counted his cash capital which lay
in his right hand pantaloons pocket. Af-
terward, he walked to printing house,
and ordered the printing of thirty thou
sand pastors bearing his name.
'"You will have them gummed and cut
of course" said the printer man.
"No, think not I'll do that myself"
replied the candidate.
obviously did the printer man look at
him, but as the cash was paid IN advance,
he said nothing.
The printing was not done until after
nine o'clock at night, and the candidate,
who had been walking up aud down the
hallway, marched triumphantly toward
home with his thirty thousand pasters.-
about one half of them will be wasted" /"
thought he "the balance added to the
straight tickets will render my election
sure"
They sat up all night "fxing" the pas,
ters-the candidate and his wife, and his
wife's mother, and his eldest daughter
The candidate spread mucilage over the
backs of the printed sheets of paper the
daughter hung them on line against
the stove to dry, and the wife and her
mother cut until their hands were stiff
and swollen. Two o'clock, three o'clock
FIVE o'clock came, aud still they worked
away, yawning at every clip of the shears.
The carpet was strewn with scraps of pa
per, the table streaked with mucilage and
the candidate himself was perambulat,
ing court plaster, so gummy was he.
"My DEAR" said his wife, at half past
five, "hayen't you enough? My thumb
is almost cut in two with the shears, and
grandma is quite done up"
1--WE had better go on, my love-" re-
piled the candidate 81 shall need them
ALL"
"Dear me ~ said she; 81 didn't know
that there were thirty thousand voters in
the city"
"Of course you didn't; women are not
expected to know anything about poll
tics"
The candidate had no sleep that night
and at an early hour in the morning sail.
ed forth to distribute his thirty thousand
pastors. Then he "worked" all day, spent
great deal of money for whiskey and a
great deal of breath for nothing. Then
he sat up another twenty hours to
see the ballots counted. In his precinct
same i'm which he had worked so hard
800 votes had been polled, and of these
he had received two one being by means
Of paster. His luck elsewhere bad been
no better, aud he went home. His wife
greeted him with smiles she was sure
that hubby hubby had been elected. And
in response to her congratulatory carcsses
the brute turned savagely upon his wife
and said
"My love, yesterday morning, circu
lated thirty thousand pastors bearing my
name. In the whole city | have receiv
ed just thirty votes. If you ever say
spaster' to me, I'll sue for divorce.
am going to bed"
That candidate will not be seen on the
street for month to come.
= - -
A German game of base ball broke ur
in the eighth inning with one arm brok