Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-02-03
Guttth fur 0nutnrisfs,

Gatsfb tut 0pulurists.
Horace Greedy is such an aimirer
of cattle that Democratic acquain-
lance very easily induced him to go
SIX miles in the country the othtr day
to see a recently imported Irish bull.
Economical houSekeepers who val
ne their carpets protest against metal
ic heels to ladies' boots, and aver
that the brass might better have been
left where it was before-in the face.
t Mr.. Carver, doing the honors of his
/ table. said TO one of his guests, a
| fashionably dressed girl of the period.
: ss' see that you have plenty of breast.
5 Miss. but do have a little more dress
f ing"
\ woman who never owned Bible
.. supposed she was quoting it when she
greeted her son, who came home to
keep Thanksgiving, in the following
words: al Here comes the -fatted
calf"
The warden of the Chicago Poor
House has been authorized by the
authorities to buy twenty-five dollars
worth of candy as a New Years gift
; to that institution. Amazing liberal
ity.
. y South Carolina paper INDUCES in
this complimentary toast to Ohio 5
contribution to the Executive chair Of
the State: ''R. X. ScOtt-last in
war, last in peace, and first in the
pockets of his countrymen ~
Slightly tight-David Croc' ct once
graphically described the condition
of party of friends after a political
jollifcation who were SO tipsy that
neither Of them could hit the ground
at three times throwing
What is the greatest feat in the
eating way ever known? That recor
ded Of man who commenced by
boiling a door. after which he threw
up window, and then sat down-and
swallowed a whole story!
A Boston lecturer astonished his
audience by bringing his fist down
on the table and shouting, where
is the religiosity of the anthropOid
quadrumana % Ifhe thinks we have
| got it he can search us. We never
saw it in the world.
4 gentleman travelling on steam
er, one day, at dinner was making
away with large pudding close bv.
when he was told by the servant that
it was desert. st matters nos to
me-" said he, 81 would eat il if it
was wilderness"
Good wives. instead of giving their
husbands old clothes to their poor
relatives. exchange them for China
ornaments. Mrs. Dix says that s
has elegantly decorated her mantle
piece with two old hats, a black vest.
and boys jacket.
It was once observed to Lord Gees
! terfeld. in the course of conver,a.
ton, that man is tie only creatur
endowed with the power of laughter.
True said the earl, and you
may add perhaps, that he is the only
creature who deserves to be laughed
at"
/ A tradesmln. who had failed in the
rity Of h'N"o-. nrotc on his from
door: Payment suspended for thir-
/ ty days" A Leishbor reading this
said: You have not dated the no.
tice." ''No," said he, Il do no
intend to do so it would run out if ]
did,
MARY Magdalen had seven devils
cast out of her. | never heard of
man having seven devils cast out OF
him." growled an old bachelor in the
course of discussion on the s'wo-
man question:" mo, they are not
cast out yet. | believe" was the quiet
response of his fair antagonist.
! A candidate for ministerial honOrs
was asked by very orthodox men,
Der of the examining Committee
whether, in the case of the man with
the withered hand; the man healed
himself, or the lord healed him. Well, !
was the reply, Il always thought the
man had hand in it,
Bed is bundle of paradoxes: we
go to it with reluctance, yet we qui; |
it with regret; and make up our minds
every night to leave it early, but we
make up our bodies every morning to
keep it late.
A lady who has been reading the
'aw, is in the most fearful and agonir
ling doubts about the legality Of he
marriage condition. She says. slot
teries are illegal. and marriage is the
greatest lottery in life"
A Milesian, born on the last day
of the year, telicitates himself on his
narrow escape from not being born at
all, 'Be jabers, says ne, land if
it had been the next day, what would
have become of mcY'
tsflrs FaoM THE COURIER JouRxALl
The Rochester Democrat says =
"Ren Golladly. NJ. c., of Kentucky.
once gave the following toast Cham
payne for true friends. and true pain
for sham friends. - Mr.. G.. ought
not to have done that. for tie toast is
a piece of loose property that was
bequeathed to the public at large by
benevolent gentleman who died at
least forty years ago.
(forIo1, IL