Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1871-07-01
Josh Billings Papers--Korn.

Korn is a serial, nm glad ov it.
1t got its name from Series, primitiff wo-
man, and in her day the goddess ov oats and
sich like
Korn is siImtimes called maize, and it grows
in sum parts of the western country very
amaizenly.
l have seen it ont thare IS foot high 4 don't
mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on
which it growsl.
Korn has cars, but hovet has but one ear,
whichz az def as an adder.
Iniun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn
dodgers IL made out ov korn, and korn dodgers
are the thffest chunks, ov the bread purswash-
un, known to man:
When yoh can drive ten penny nail into
them with sledge hammer, they are said by
good Judges, to be well done, and are reddy to
be chawed Upon.
They will keep i've years in damp place,
and not gro tender, and dog hit with one Of
them will yell for a week, and then crawl un-
der barn and mutter for two days more.
| have knawed two hours myself on one
side ov korn dodgcr without produsing emmy
result, and i think could starve too death
twice before could reduce korn dodger.
They git the name dodger from the imme-
giate necessity of lodging if one iz hov hori-
zontally at yu in anger
1t il far better to be smote bi 8 year old
steer than a korn dodger that IL only three
hours old:
Corn was fust discovered bi the injuns, but
WHARF they found it don't know, and don't
know az care.
Whiskee Cucble whiskeel IL made out ov
koru and whiskec IL one Of the greatest bless
ings known tew man.
We neYer should hev bin able to iill our
states prizons with energetick men, and our
poor houses with good eaters, if it want for
noble whiskee.
We never should hay had emmy Temperance
sons of society, nor republican POLITICIANS,
nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt
aldermen, nor whiskce rings, nor nothing, if it
want for blessed whiskee
Ifit want for kornj how could emmy body
get horned?
And if it want for getting horned, what
would life be worth?
We should all sink down to the level ov the
brutcs if it want for Citing horned.
The brutes don't git horned, they haint got
emmy reason nor soul.
We often hear of "dttnken brutes, this is
compliment to oxen which don't belong tew
them.
Korn also has kurnels, and kurnels are Of
ten horned, so are btigadeer generals.
Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so IL
hasty pudding.
TIasty pudding and milk IL quick to eat.
All you have got to do, IL tew gap and swal
low, and that IL the last of the pudding.
Korn was familiar to antiquity. Joseph
waz sent down into Egypt after sum korn,
but bis brothers didn't want him tew go, so
they took pity on him, and pitted him in
pit.
When hiz brothers got back hun, and were
asked wer Joe waz. they didn't acknowledge
the korn, but lied sum.
1t has been proved that it is wicked tew lie
about korn, or any ov the other vegetables.
Korn haz one thing that nobody else haz
got, and that IL a kob.
This kob runs through the middle ov the
korn, and is az phull ov corn as Job waz oy
bies.
alwus feel sorry when think ov Job, and
wonder how he managed tew set down in a
chair
Knowing how to set down square on bile
without hurting the chair, IL one oY the lost
arts.
Job was card he had more pasbunce and
biles to the square inch than IL usual.
One hundred and twenty-five akers Of korn
tew The bushelz considered good krop, but
i have seen more.
In kouclusion, if you want tew gita sure
crop Of korr, and a good price for the crop,
feed about four quarts oft to a shanghi zoos
ter, then murder the rooster Immediately and
sell him for II cents pound, krop and all.
New BRIDGE ACROSS THE PoToMAc.-Mr