Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-09-12
-Lat2ach for HaS23aO7IStS.

How to make hot-bed-Set the mattress
on fire.
Brigham Young is three score and ten, and
so are his wives.
Physicians's faults are covered with earth;
rich mems with money.
Can Judge who retires from the the bench
be said to lay down the Law?
Sinking boat was deemed by Western
jury the act of incendiary."
The Chicago Republican calls this ''an ex-
plodemical season for kerosene lamps.
''This is sweeping catastrophe. as the man
said when his wife knocked him down with
broomstick.
A boys paper in Boston advises the Humane
Society to arrest all persons in the city who
bottle catsup.
An New Orleans paper states, there is in
that city hog, with his ears SO far back, that
he can't hear himself squeal.
Little Dick mother asked him what kind of
nuts she should buy for him. "Doughnuts,
mamma me can cack EN- with tooths. I"
Not on squeezing terms any MORE is the
way Prairie du Chen young lady describes
the relations between herself and her late lover.
Water will make mans boots tight. We
have seen a good many young men tight in
their boots lately. They must have been out
in tho damp.
Spurgeon Indignantly declares that "a sleepy
seraph before the throne of Jehovah, or a
cherub nodding a sacred song, it were ridicu-
lous to imagine.
Mother" said bright little girl, 'is hell
hot place p Being a little puzzled what reply
to make to her, the mother answered, Yes"
''Then,' said the little girl, why don't they
turn the damper?"
Nervous old lady-"Now, cabman, you're
sure your horse is quiet What's he laying
back his ears like that for look ?' Cabby0
"Oh, that's only her feminine curiosity, mam
She likes to hear where she's goln' to p
We notice an item in one of our Boston ex-
changes, which says that "a rich bachelor of
New Jersey recently died, leaving by will sew
eral legacies OF from ten to twenty five thousand
dollars each, to ladies whom he had addressed.
but who had rejected him. He said that they
had afterwards grown to be so ugly that he
could not be sufficiently grateful"
At Lawrence, Kansas, on Sunday, while a
minister was holding forth in the church crowd
got up cock-fght in the yard. The people
who had congregated in the church went out to
stop the fight, but awaited until the battle was
over before Directing. The minister looked out
of the window at the crowd, and said, I'VE are
all miserable sinners-which whipped? ?"
While the vendor of greens in Boston was
endeavoring to dispose of his stock in trade,
his poor old nag baked and refused to bulge
an inch. The driver finally commenced bella
boring the animal with a stick, when an old la
dy thrust her head out of window and ex-
claimed, Have you no mercy? p mo, mad
am" replied the peddler, nothing but green's.
The Boston Commercial Bulletin gives this
epitaph of Chips, the carpenter: How saw life
BORE was gouged and chiseled until he cut
his stick, and now moulds; his rabbit lies idle
and his tongue is STILL He always acted on the
square, had no vices and did his level best he
was (n)aiing man. Death has wrenched him
from the groove of life. Let us hope he has
gone to better place.
WHAT CARRIE Says ABOUT IT.-"Carrie''
writes from Brooklyn to say that it is impossi-
BILE for her to be a sensible girl, because the
men won permit her to be So If upon moon
light night she wishes to talk about the stars.
the male idiots about her compare the stars
with her eyes. If she speaks of rose as DOS
sessing beautiful hue, they say her cheek rivals
it. Should she venture to call attention to the
melody of the night-birds song, these monkey
men tell her that her voice is sweeter music.
In view of this state of affairs, Carrie asks us
how she can be anything else than fool.
Fashionable Correspondence. The writer's
are young ladies Of eight years or thereabouts-
such young ladies' as are now figuring in chill
dren's balls at the watering places, if the cor
respondents truly report
miss Minnie Smiths compliments to Miss
i Il.
com pany this evening. Refreshments at ten
''Miss Maggie Jones compliments to Miss
Minnie Smith, with regrets shat prior engage
ments preclude the pleasure Of cceptance.-
She is to be whipped at seven, and sent &c bed
without her supper at eight
Pat had just seated himself In Quaker
meeting when young Quaker, lately married,
arose to announce his new condition. 'Breth-
rem" said he, Il have married" Pats snon-
taneous mother wit suddenly burst forth invol-
unfairly: 'The divil ye hev!'' The young and
blushing bridegroom, imagining that the spirit
had suddenly moved some more influential
brother, sat down In confusion. La few mo-
ments he rose and essayed again; Brethren,
/ have married daughter from the Lord -
1.-THE divil ye hev' calculated the interested |
Irishman; It'll be long time before ye see
yer father-in-lawl'' The shutting feet and con- |
fusion or faces WHICH followed, aGmOnlShed |
Pat that he had better be 'thravellin, - and he |
was soon latter gettin' himself out O. that |"
A JUDGE OF WINEs.-The old Charleston |
good livers boasted of their Wines and some of |
their cellars were stored With the oldest and |
best One OF them, the we'll known J l..
said that he had $4,000 worth of vine in his
cellar when his house was burned during the
war He thought himself, and was thought to
be, the best judge of wine in the State. At
dinner party where he was guest it was Sc
cretly arranged to bring him into disgrace in
the matter of judgment, and the host sent out
to corner grocery and for dollar bought
bottle of wine and put upon the table as spec
linen rare and extraordinary. Mr.. Il pro
nounced it the best they had had, and said he
= recognize the vintage of this wine-it is of
1884. There is nothing better than this in
America. The shout of laughter that follow
ed assured him that he was sold, and the host
explained that he had just procured it around
the corner
"Send for the man, said Mr.. l.. 'sand
let me see if this is SO. :"
The man soon appeared, aud Mr. L. said 70
him, snow | will hold you harmless if Won will
ell me frankly where you got that bottle If
wine ?"
swell" answered the grocer, ''if Won will
know, bought it of one of your niggers %
So Mr. L. had them all, and the laugh