Middletown transcript., 1871-07-01
THE DARwISiAs THEORY.

Of man is creating tremendous sensation
among the monkeys. They have Just
heard Of il, aud are terribly exercised.
They repudinte the whole theory. That
man descended from them they consider a
slur on the entire monkey race.
A cage Of John Robinson's monkeys
held an Indignation meeting over the mat
ter the other day, after the performance.
A venerable chin'panxee. whose gray hairs
entitled him to the distinction. was made
chairman. aud. sitting in swing. prcsid-
cd with the utmost dignity. lie go. a
little excited in his speech as he took the
chair, but this was pardonable under the
circumstances. What" exclaimed this
venerable baboon: Imam descended from
us, | repudiase the idea with scoru.
True. we have our faults.
1--WE are accused Of cutting up monkey
shines sometimes, and not without causes.
but this attempt to make Us father on us
the human race is altogether too much
Is il not enough that poverty requires us
to travel around the country In this man
ncr to make livelihood 10 exhibit our
selves to gaping men. women and chill
dren. at so much n head, (whcn two
thirds Of them haven't any head at all to
speak Of without having il flung in onr
faces that we originated the pack Of fools
styled meni"
His remarks were received with every
expression Of delight possible to the mon
key. Some stood on their pyrnmidal
heads others hung by their tails, while
others threw hpAaps from one end of the
cage to the other.
\ monkey who had travelled much and
seen great deal, md who had probably
used the cats paw to pull more ches,nuts
out Of the fire than any other monkey OF
his age, next addressed his fellow mon
keys:
Said he This Darwin has inflicted a
disgrace upon US that no monkey of any
.clf.respcct will hesitate to resent. |
fling his base insinuations back into his
teeth A wild chatter Of applause II
man was indeed descended from us, wha,
a fall was there. my countrymen Pro-
long,d howls Of dcrision If had ,hi,
base slanicrcr of our racc-,his Darwin.
who DIR ~in fame by ,raducing us-l
would r-r-r-rcnd him in pieces with these
pentadae,ylou hands, and whip him to
death with this prchensiblc tail" I'm
mense cheering
The chairman interrupted the speaker
to remind him that no puns would be al
lowed. Nobody but men perpetra,ed puns
and a pun was was altogether beneath the
dignity of any monkey who had the lcas,
respect for himself The speaker promi,-
cd to be more guarded in the future, aud
proceeded with his remarks.
. Look at the follics men perpctratc ev-
cry day. Did you ever know n monkey
to make such fool Of himself as they do.
Did you ever know monkey to buy Il
ticket to a menngcra and 60 staring u
round and making remarks about people
better than himself? Did monkey ever
get drunk, or talk about his ncighbors OF
wear plug hat tunlcss i, was fastened on
his head by detestable rngmaster,l } OF
sue for divorce, or lace. or color his
whiskcrs, or 60 into bankruptcy, or ehca,
the printer, or get elected councilman, OF
run bar account. or eat hash, or--or run
for Congress? Never" Screams and
scrccches Of assent
" Man descended from the monkey, in.
deed II We were descended from man
it would be sufficiently disgracefal ge
asaamod whcu think there is a po>sihili
ty Of Il connecting link Look at them il
their political conventions. In our mos
idiolc moments did we ever yell AM how
MS they do
:" Look a, thcm in congress 4 whol'
menagerie on drunk couldn', bchav,
worse And where did they get it They
didn't 40; i, from u, tia, is . sure thing
The key to their oussai nonsense is no
the monkey. Au admonishing shake o
the head from the President. Mr. Oar
win must seek fbr his ancestry elsewhere
and let the monkey alone lie might pog
haps trace it to the beasts Of the field o.
the birds Of the air, or (what IS more like
I'D the jackass"
Tremendous applause followed his grca
speech After some further remarks oi
the part Of distinguished monkeys of lil,
tenay, the meeting passed n series Of reso
lutions utterly rcpudia.ins the Dawinial
theory, and adjourned.