davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
Agriculture a Fraud.
NOT BY H. q y

H!HE basest fraud of earth is agricult-
! Il ure.
She has made me thousand promises
and broken every one of them.
She has promised me early potatoes
and the rain drowned them late pota-
toes, and the drought has withered them
She has promised me summer squashes,
and the worms have eaten them; winter
squashes, and the bugs have devoured
them.
She has promised cherries, and the
curculio has stung them, and they con-
tain living things uncomely to the eye
and unsavory to the taste.
She has promised strawberries, and
the young chickens have enveloped them
and the eye cannot see them.
She has promised tomatoes, and the
old hens have encompassed them.
No wonder Cain killed his brother He
was tiller of the ground. The wonder
is that he diden't kill his Father, and
then weep becaus he hadn't grandfather
to kill. No doubt his Early Rose pota-
toes, for which he paid Adam seven dol
lars q barrel, had been cut down by the
bugs, from the head waters of the Eu-
pirates His Pennsylvania wheat had
been winterkilled and wasn't worth cut
ting. His Norway oats had gone to straw,
and would not yield five pecks per acre,
and his black Spanish water-meons had
been stolen by the boys, who had pulled
up the vines, broken down his patent
picket fence, and written scurrilous dog
gerel all over his back gate. No wonder
he felt mad when he saw Able whistling
along with his fine French Merinoes,
worth eight dollars head, and wool
going up every day No wonder he
wanted to kill somebody and thought
he'd practice on Able.
And Noah's getting drunk was not at
all surprising. He had become hus-
bandman. He had thrown away magnif-
cient opportunities He might have had
a monopoly of any profession Or business.
Had he studied medicine there would not
have been another doctor within thous-
and miles to call him "Quack;" and
every family would have bought bottle
of f" Noah's Compound Extract of Gopher
Wood and Anti-Deluge Syrup" As a
politician, he might have carried his own
ward solid, and controlled two-thirds of
the delegates in every convention AS a
lawyer, he would have been retained in
every case tried in the Araret Quarter
Session, or the old Ark High Court of
Admiralty. But he threw away all these
advantages and took to agriculture. For
long time the ground was so wet he
could raise nothing but sweet flags and
bulrushes, and these at last became
drug in the market What wonder that
when at last he did get half peck of
grapes that were not stung to death by
Japhet's honey bees he should have made
wine and drowned his sorrows in g flow
ing bowl" .tsn. .-.u#.au
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
Pats Opinion of Whiskey.

Patrick O'Reardon, puts in an appear
ance before Justice on the charge of
habitual drunkenness. H ".'"
20 E" You will persist in drinking, Pat"
said the magistrate. ''t i'
Faith, you may well say that I'd get
d thirsty if / didn't" 9'wa sa."s .H Z
90 i"Then you don't drink when you are
thirsty, but only in fear that you may
become so?"u ia. 1t gF sLsa o. amg, I
eyes, SIR" ,<.9 adl tafi +
ios" And you think whiskey is better than
water ?" b55.a nou
% It's stronger, sir" m "swla/" /
But do you think it's as goodY ud .
u 80, yes, sir, because you can mix
them, and the whiskey kills the impuri-
ties in the water" tt4t. g,.a. l..
But what kills, the impurities in the
whiskey? 7" asked the Justice. ~ KID. ,
Nothing at all--it does all the killing
ITSELF" he replied, triumphantly, and
looked very much as if he had establish
ed proposition that admitted of no de-
nial, " 9'''''-'
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
Gbe Gintes, New BLOOMFIELD, 11a.
Married Without Knowing 1t.


A Mr. Thomas Cooper, an English
IA man, has published an account of
his travels in Thbet which he visited
disguised as Chinaman Among his
stories is the following
He was just hating for breakfast, after
leaving the Thibetan town of Bathang.
when group of young girls, gayly dress
cd and decked with garlands of flowers.
came out of the grove and surrounded
him. Some Of them holding his mule,
while others assisted him to alight. He
was then led into grove, where he found
feast prepared, and after he had eaten
and smoked his pipe, the girls came up
to him again, "pulling along in their
midst a pretty girl of sixteen, attired in
silk dress, and adorned with garlands of
flowers" " had already noticed" Mr..
Cooper adds, " this girl sitting apart from
the others during the meal, and was very
much astonished when she was reluctant
ly dragged up to me, and made to seat
herself by my side (; and my as topishment
was considerably heightened when the
rest Of the girls began to dance around us
IN a circle, singing and throwing their
garments around me and my companion.
The meaning of this performance was,
however, made clear to Mr.. Cooper. He
had been married without knowing it.
At first he tried to escape the liability
entailcd upon him; but such an outcry was
made by all the people around that he
was forced to carry off his bride. He
managed to get rid of her before very long
by transferring her to one of her re-
lations, but even that was not treated as
a dissolution of the marriage. On his way
back he was Joined by Thibetan dame,
about thirty years old, who said she mad
come with the consent of her husband, to
supply her daughters place. We can
well imagine Mr.. Cooper's surprise at
meeting with this novel proposal on the
part Of his mother-in- law. ..t....
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
A Short COurtship.

A Cincinnatia paper relates an Incl
IN dent which develops a new feature
in railroad travelling, and shows that
counting can be done at thirty miles an
hour. 1t occurred on Little Miami rail
road. A lady, somewhat past that period
of life which the world would term young,
was on her way to this city. At a point
on the road a traveller took the train.
After walking up and down between
the seats, the gentleman found no un-
occupied seat except the one half of that
upon which the lady had deposited her
precious self and crinoline. As the train
flew along at express speed, the strangers
entered into a cozy conversation. The
gentleman was pleased and the lady
certainly did not pout. After other sub
jects had been discussed and worn thread
bare, the lady made inqiiery as to the
price of sewing-machines, and where such
an article could be purchased in the city.
The gentleman ventured the opinion that
she had "better secure husband first"
By the time the train arrived at the
depot in this city, the proposal had been
made and accepted. The party separated;
the gentleman, in good earnest, started
for a license, and the lady made her way
to clearinghouse on Broadway, above
Third, for dinner. At two o'clock the
gentleman returned with license and a
justice, to the great astonishment of the
fair one, and, after few tears and half
remopstrative expressions, she submitted
with becoming modesty, and the squire
performed the little ceremony in atwink-
ling. The happy couple departed for
Louisville, en- route for New Orleans and
California.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
The Barber's Joke.

THE celebrated Henry first, Viscount
Il Melville, was on d visit to Edin-
burgh, shortly after the passing OF some
unpopular measure to which he had given
support On the morning after his ar
rival, he sent for q barber to shave him
at his hotel. This functionary, a con-
siderable humorist, resolved to indicate
his sentiments respecting his lordships
recent procedure as a legislator. Hav-
ing decorated his lordship with an apron,
he proceeded to lather his face. Then
fourishing the razor, he said aasf.
ave are obliged to you, my lord, for
the part you lately took in the passing of
that odious bill" 3 .a7l9r
b. sob, you're politician r. said his
lordship. sent for barber"
"Tll shave you directly" added the
barber, who after shaving one hall of
the beard rapidly drew the back of the
instrument across his throat, saying
Stake that you traitorv' and rushed
out OF the room. lifn h.eaauI Ii.f. ht.
Lord Melville, who conceived that his
throat had been cut from ear to ear plac-
ed the apron about his neck, and with a
gurgling noise shouted " Murder ~ The
waiter Immediately appeared, and, at his
lordship's entreaty, rushed to procure a
surgeon. Three members of the medical
faculty were speedily in attendance; but
his lordship could scarcely be persuaded
by their joint solicitation to expose his
throat, around which he firmly held the
barber's apron. At length he consented
to up examination but he could ouly be
convinced by looking into mirror that
his throat had been untouched. His lord-l
ship, mortified by the merriment which
the occurrence excited, speedily returpd
to London. .,.i,
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
A MIddlIng Cold Night.

Not long since man walked into one
Of the three stores ina Western town,
and inquired of the proprietor if he had
any more brandy like the last he got there
and was told that he had idH Well" con-
tinued the customer who was from a
mountain town, 9 want to tell you, about
the last pint you sold me, Il, went home
last night and hung the bottle up by the
fire place, II was o middling cold night,
and when | got up in the morning |
found the bottle had dropped on the
hearth and broke 10 a thousand pieces /;
but, continued the mountaineer, with
animation, "the brandy was all right :
there il hung on the nail, frozen soldier
than thunder !" ''A 'a tflft biii ''i'f'f
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
A Chinese Funeral.

Do A Chinaman who was murdered in
San Francisco recently was given a grand
funeral, some fifty carriages of Celestial
sympathizers parading in long process
sion, headed by a discordant band of
Chinese musicians, The murdered man
had been laid out in new suit of clothes,
with a quantity of feathers placed around
his head. In his hands were placed a
dirk-knife, and other weapons, with which
he is expected to pitch into his murder
ers when they arrive in another world
if he can find them. From the shoes
the soles were removed, the uppers being
left. This was done SO that he might
step softly and reverently into the pres
enee of his joss AS usual, quantity
of Chinese provisions were put into the
coffin, and left at the grave. Chinese
wine--rice spirit--was also left at the
grave: but alas those profane Melican
rufians Of the Golden City always follow
these professions, and ruthlessly gobble
all they can find eatable and drinkable as
soon as the backs Of the living, Celestials
are turDed. ".1ou uog diiu shasd
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08

A Mad Judge.

A Judge out in Western Pennsylvania
went in the river to bath the other NOR
ming, and while he was swimming about,
some abandoned scoundrel stole all his
clothes, except his high hat and umbrella.
We won't try to tell how mad the Judge
was, because although the English Ian
guage is copious, its most efficient and
vigorous adjectives are entirely unequal
to the expression of certain degrees of
emotion. But he stayed in the water
about four hours, experimenting with the
different kinds of imprecations, and en-
devoring to select two or three of the
sturdiest objurgations for application to
the thief At last he came out and after
mounting the high hat, he opened the
umbrella and tried to cover his retreat
up the street toward his house 1t ap-
peared to the Judge that all the female
pupils of the boarding schools, and one
Woman's Rights Convention, were out
promenading that day; and that Judge
had an awful time going through the
Zouave drill with the umbrella. When
he reached home he heard that the thief
had been captured The Judge is now
engaged in writing out his charge to the
jury in advance of the trial. Those who
have seen the rough draft, say it is the
most picturesque law paper ever drawn
up in that county. I....
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08

Begr The following story is told by the
New Orleans Picayune of the recent
annual celebration of the Voudois Their
strange superstition-requires an idol; not
having one on hand for Saturdays celebra-
ton, they persuaded well-known citizen
to personate it. For this purpose he
mounted pedestal, arrayed in his robes
Of Office. 1t was inconvenient to sit out
in the boiling sun and receive the petit
tons of his worshippers all day long, but
when night closed in he was somewhat
surprised to learn that it was the custom
of the Voudois to sacrifice their idols.
On one side of him Maria Leone was pre-
pairing the sacrifcial robe, while on the
other DIR. Anotine was whetting the knife
that was designed to kill him. Matters
looked serious. The citizen looked
around to appeal for help. Everywhere
he met the upturned faces of the You'd
ois. 1t was more than he could endure
and with a yell of alright, and a wild
jump for liberty, he cleared the circle at
bound, and made for the woods, the
whole yelling pack at his heels But
terror lent him feetness, and diverging
towards the city, he soon found himself
rapidly traversing Elysian Fields street,
in direction of Washington Square
Here he met policeman, who took him
in.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
A Wonderful Clock.


h. ID. Munson is persistent Yankee,
a native of Williston, Vermont, who has
devoted ten Of his four,score years to the
achievement Of making a clock that is
more complicatedly ingenious than the
S:rausbourg time-piece, and vastly more
seryiceable. 1t runs eight days, and the
dial marks the second, minute, hour, and
day of the week, month and year; a
Thermometer rests against its pendulum,
giving the state of temperature; the ball
of the pendulum contains miniature
time piece, which derives its motive power
solely from its vibrating position and
keeps accurate time; with this there is.
a delightful musical apparatus, which
plays an air at the end of each hour, and
it is piously precontriyed so as to play
only sacred tunes on Sunday, beginning
and ending with the "Doxology.H On
national holidays the airs are diversified
with " Yankee Doodle" etc, This won
derful time-piece presents a black wal
nut front ten feet high, twenty inches
wide, and ten deep, and is embellished
with profuse scroll-work and national
designs. H"a" i'|
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
Do6dS1as' Toilet Soap!

NO TOILET is COMPLETE WITHOUT IT!
.r The Best EDloUient in the Market!
IL IS given the preference at every watering place
Ill the country, and Is for sale everywhere.
Please Ask For 1t
Don't be put OFF with any cheap common soap
Try 1t, and see how much BETTER it Is
|... t.... t.. than we say. 90. ,t ...
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08

BD- A man who married buxom Irish
girl greatly to the horror Of his mo ther
and sister, made the following defence.
If ! married an American girl ] must
have an Irish girl to take care Of hsr,and
I cannot afford 70 support both Of them,'
There j. too much " truth 10 his reply, \ *
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
1t is put up In Patent box, the greatest novelty
.i of the age, The box alone is worth more to
keep than the price of Box and Pol
ish combined. lob .fu 800
: 'KR.UGH A T. q"

The Genuine TURKISH Bath compound, used in all
Oriental countries in the bath, and manufactured
by us license and royalty, in exact style, odor
and quality from the original receipt, as that
made in Constantinople and import duties, prelum
on gold, etc., saved thus enabling us to sell 1T at
e SW Sfby use scehted nh sGS
miraculous effects upon the skin 1t Is really worth
trial.
~fhi H1oI a1i idau1dt .aF.I .Fr
4rHlr % hl n,p,-T-77 III l'i5DiHv a.ln
yr IHuid l3no I i'Hsu adi Jd ..a. .
ii you want to enjoy life and drive away duh
..i, care, use for your Clothes
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08

s@-iAn apothseary originally carried
his medicine about in jars---heiw was a pot.
carrier--hepce the word q pot-he-carries,
The Van Buren press., 1871-12-05
A Political Rcninl.c.nc..

The Baltimore Gazette, in the course
Of an article reviewing the encroachment
OF Federal authority Upon the liberties
Of the people, and its rapid absorption of
the rights Of the States, reproduces and
comments upon the following incident:
During the canvass for the recent GU.
.be,natoral alnoninaiioni Massachusetts,,
General Butler and certain General
iasley came to words They had teen
oid friends and heroes together, and
Knew each other we'll, and they vituper-
ated each other aecordingly---Eawley
aoitaily charging tue hero OF Fort Fish
Isl. with telling "a most Infamous lie,
- iie ous Of toe whole cloth," as If Bat
er nad ever needed anytoing to make
lie from. AS soon as this scandal be-
came notorious, a Hsraid correspondent
~ oaee "ilterviewed General Hawlev
to find ont the history of the quarrel
We do not care TO enter upon that, but
Havley stated one thing which ought
not to be let die. We give the words Of
the correspondent ss they appear in the
Herald OF August 2S lie representa-
Havley as speaking. bs s-s
"Haw,sy-l was under Buffers com.
mand over eight months, beginning in
April, 1864 He recommended me for
brgader general just after severe
fight at Deep Run, August ld, 1864, and
gave me command Of division OF troops
in October afterwards which division
held in movement oat Of the lines and
in battle October q Of same year. A
lew days after | was detailed by Terry
TO take 5000 picked troops 70 New York
city to keep the place during the Presi.
dental campaign. ! bad six or seven
regiments Of infantry and two regular
batteries, Some of the regiments were
Eastern troops, and few had served
underme There VAS = regiment from
indiana AID Que from St Lawrence couh.
y, New York State / believe. lie had
commspd Of the movement, but had
the entire handling ot the troops. But
Ter was In commsu1 at the Hoffman
House, anl dlat Anow that he ever
saw one of the regiments. After the
occupation had ceased i rcturled With
the troops 10 my old position. !" y, g,fs,
And this Is what he army Of the
United States was used for, even in the
critical hours Of 1864 this is the way
in which the county was made loyal "
and public sentiment was Instructed
Three thousand piekedtroops" sent to
New York, TO Keep" il during the
Presdcntisl campaign! Thus 1t was
that the lamcutcd Lincoln was thrust a
second time il.o otiice, the war aud IL
denominations approved and consecrated,
and the national life" nursed and
sucklei And yet people Who know all
this, aud have known 1t AL the while,
persuade themselves, with the sablimest
faith, thst It will not happcn again ; that
some other Bgtler and some other Haw-
ley will not be forthcoming 20 do the
same foul a8d uumanlv work for Gran.
that was done for Lincoln Then, there
was no law for putting United Statfs
Marshals NJ the polls, with the military
behind them IN Tho discretion or one OF
their canaiaates Now, Ceuefal Gran,
can Ku klux es be plcascB, Still there
are fools enough who imagine he vhl
NOT "please 70 hplp HIMSELF ad' ~
The Van Buren press., 1871-12-05
tTFotn the Bangor ttie.l Democrat. Z
Grant end pendletor. A Contrast.

Il is The subject Of universal remark
lbat ,he lresence Of Gen Grant in this
city ast week clicited no hearty enthus
aEn Tdr multitude present 10 see u
President OF the United States was great.
numbering many thousands. No Presi.
dent mad ever before been east OF the
Keuuebec river II was an even. not on
lv Of 3 life time, but Of century, With
thousands il was the fret and probably
the last, opportunity to see n President
To very large extent II was the official
and not the man who drew together the
multitude Curiosity and not admiration
assembled the throng Had Juarez, Of
Mexico, Alexander, Of Russia, or vii
liam, of Prussia, been announced to Wis.
il Bangor, curiosity would havs brought
together the same thousands OF our peo,
Pile.
But where were tho hearts OF the peo
pie as Grant passed along the streets
among them Why were there no spon.
taneous, hearty cheers along the whole
line or the proccssioni Everything
which money could do, and ingenuity
devise, TO awaken enthusiasm, and call
fourth plaudits, bad been done. There
were music, decorations, military dis
play aud banners without limit Indeed
there was everything to make the welkin
ring With huzzas, except the man.
In contrast. we call to mind another
scene which trsnspired in this city three
years ago. a simple newspaper an.
nogncement had been made that q young
statesman Of The great Northwest would
arrive in Bangor On certain summer
evening. He held 10 official position,
but he had spoken words which had sunk
deep int the hearts Of his couu,rymen'
There had been no pag,iculgr orgaalza
tlon for his reception, hut there was such
an ont pouring Of tue masses Of the peo.
pie as the Penobscott valley bad never
before WITNESSED There they were, OF
all ages and Of both scxes, by hundreds
and by thousands, pet as mere idle spec
tators, but to testify their love and re.
spect FOR statesmsn who had spoken in
thcir behalf against oppreqsion and
wrong.
WHO can describe The feye6sh anxiety
with which that great multitude awaited
The arrival Of the train that evening?
And when at last /; did arrive, and when
George III pendeion appeared upon The
platform ofthe car IN which he rode.
who can describe the thunder of those
tremendous and lenq continued cheers
which burst simultaneously froyn the lips
Of those assembled thoussuds p Who,
that was present on that marked orcss-
ion, will ever forget the scene Of the pas
sage of his carriage from tho dspo'ito
The Bangor house hos that great
.hrong pressed il on orsiy side--how.
n their excitement they liited from the
yround--sud how, all the time, honS
he route, without momeats cessation.
he cheers continued ,c sise and fail aud
al l;te the -cr
The Van Buren press., 1871-12-05

The PRisTER's MALrpIcrro..-An cdi.
t,r thus mathematics his de|inquents
who are able to, but will not pay mp:
| May he never be permitted to kiss
pretty girl
2 May he have sore eyes and chest
nut hur for an eye stone
3 May bic boots leak, his gun hang
flrc, and his dsh-line break
4 Nav one thousand nigl tmGrcs irot
qpsrter races over his stomach every
night
) May be- bo shod with lightning and
compelled to wander over empower
der.
6. MAY the famine stricken ghost OF
an elilor's baby haunt his slumbcrs
7 May a troop ot printers devils, lean
lank and hungry, dog his heels every
day and regiment OF eats catawaul un'
der his wi low every night
r. all or which, we say 8 men.
The Van Buren press., 1871-12-05

TUE WouAS VINO NEVER Grows OLD
"A good woman never grows old
Years may go over her head, but If be.
neyulence and virtue dwell in her heart
she is rs cheerful rs when the Spring OF
life first opened to her view. When We
look upon good woman, we never
think OF her oge--she looks ~ charming
as when the rose Of youth frst bloomed
upon her cheek That rose has NOT fad
ed vet it will never fade. In herneIgl
borhood she is the friend and benefactor,
in the church the doyoGt worshipcr and
exemplary Christian Who does not
love and respect the woman who has
passed her DAYS in acts Of kindness and
mercy who has been the friend of man
and God-whoso whole lie has been
scene Of kindness and love, devotion OF
love and religion? We repeat, such
woman cannot grow old She viii al.
ways be fresh and bouyant in spirits,
and active in humble deeds Of mercy and
bcnevolence. If the young lady desires
to retain the bloom and beauty Of youth,
let her not yield TO the sway OF fashion
aud folly; let her love truth and virtue
and to the close of life she will retain
those feelings which now make lie ap
pear garden Of sweets ever fresh and
ever new