Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1871-02-23
ROYAL REyERIEs OF NJ. QUAD.
What He Would DO IL He Were King of
spain.

;
! observes
"If l should mount throne l be-
heve that should run this king bust
ness entirely different from the manner
| in which it is now conducted. / think
the throne of Spain would suit me,
and l haven't any doubts that would
! just suit the Spanish after few trials.
/ If didn't it would be because they
couldn't appreciate the handsome thing.
Besides having oysters and hot biscuit
three times a day, j should make
! change in the matter of cookery. If
any hotel keeper went to serving out
hash under a French title two lines
! long l would give him little law that
I he'd never forget Soups should be
put down on the bill as soups, and if
/ any waiter brought in thirteen napkins
and a small bit of beef as the whole of
mans dinner I'd have my prime min
lister make the fellow chew napkins all
the rest of his life. And, when tray
eller came to settle his bill, and the
proprietor went to arguing the three
dollar per-day idea, | should send for
that landlord and ask him if he wouldn't
be content if three or four national
banks were rolled in behind the desk,
and tell him he could keep no tavern in
Spain, not while ! was around As for
the clerk, if he We're like some that l
know of, his lamenting relatives would
be dividing up the estate within twenty
four hours after l was crowned king
There's another thing which l have
often thought Of I'd take little rail
road excursions, carrying along n fair
to medium trunk, and I'd watch the
baggage smashers. When they put the
trunk off, and found that both handles
were gone, the lock broken, the lid
/ split, the hinges bent, the ends knock
ed in, I'd say; See here my fine fellow
/ want to see you at my Office on little
private business. He'd naturally think
| of the Cross of the Legion of Honor,
the red ribbon and the iron medal, but
he'd change his mind when he saw the
dangling rope and the gallows, He'd
never smash another trunk--not in
! Spain AS for ticket agents at the de-
pots ] should first give them warning.
I'd enlighten them little 10y informing
them that they could make, just as many
friends, and do just as much business,
and have the road just as well thought
of, by returning civil answers to trav-
ellers and by treating men and women
as people ought to be treated. I'd tell
him once, and If he didn't concur with
my sentiments, why there'd be n good
many friends around enquiring for him
next day.
There's another thing I'd do for
Spain. First I'd issue the following
call
ESPECIAL NOTICE Every Spanish
gentleman who desires to hold fat
office, with big ply and stealings at
tached, will please meet at my Office on
the first of February"
They'd come. They'd come in
wagons, carts, wheelbarrows, on canal
boats, by railroad, balloon-they'd
come riding on each others backs If
there was no other conveyance There
would be few respectable men hang
ing around, and I'd fix every one of
them up with pair Of cowhlde boots,
soles four inches thick. I'd call the
crowd in, one by one, and after short
address on the subject of the general
desire to hold very little Office for q
great deal of pay, I'd turn the gentle
and--well, they could call around some
other time If they wanted any more
office
"About woman's rights, think /
should have something to soy about
that. I'd get list of the females who
were gallivanting around Spain howl
ing for their rights, and I'd invite them
to call on me, adding that / favored
woman 3 rights very much. They'd call
they'd be on hand before daylight.
If there were thirteen Of them, I'd
have thirteen mops handy, and the way
these thirteen Fighters" should
handle these thirteen mops would make
the splinters fly. OF course 1 would
not seek to degrade lady in any way,
but the mop was patented before wo-
mans rights, and somehow / never
think of woman's rights without seeing
pair Of pantaloons swinging in the
air before me.
81 wouldn't NEEDLE with the Span
ish religion, not bit. But in attend
ing church I'd keep an eye around, and
it wouldn't be long before l should see
the loudest singer and most prominent
responser pinching cent before drop
ing it into the contribution box, at the
same time hoping his neighbor would
drop in dollar greenback. I'd send
for the gentleman, and he could have
his choice between being hit with a
brick bat or kicked with Spanish
mule, and I'd see about his contribution
in future There's only one more thing.
I'd go on little journey over Spain,
and coll an ayery npwspappr man |
could hear of, radical or democrat,
Walking up to the chief man about the
c ncerp, I'd slap him on the back and