Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-04-27

Dead beats: Extinct drum"er'

HUMOROUS RsadinEs. -
Dead beats: Extinct drumners
A tale Of misery: The cocktail
Invention is the mother Of necessity.
Beer Alls many bottle. and the bottle
many bier. 5s
A correspondent ask, "When the|
hedges shoot, what 10 the size OF the snos
they use ?"
During peace regiment is CHARTERED i
during war time It 10 generally cut 70
pieces.
The nation which produces the most
marriages. must be fascination.
WHY ia the letter I'd like the marriage
ser ,ice because it makes I'VE" into
"wsd."< ld
What Il that, which, when brought to-
the table is cut but never eaten IA pack
Of carde. N Is Ell Ef
WHY 10 grain of sand in the eye like
q school. masters cane p-Because 1t hurts
the pupil. a1
"Oome out here and I'll lick the whole
Of you." said an urchin to some sticks OF
peppermint in confectioner's window.
A sign announcing "The Vacuum
Cure" 10 hung out from the window OF
an eating house in London.
Frugal landlady of boarding house
!" Coming home to dinner, Mr.. Brown Z"
Hearty boarder-" Well, perhaps; if !
don't feel hungry"
An impudent yeungster came very near
getting his ears boxed the other night at
q wedding party, for wishing the bride
"many happy returns Of the day"
| Why on earth don't the Smiths stop
naming their sons John If they don't
do 90 before long, or stop having sons,
there will have to be some law on the
subject. '-- IE
To cure dyspersia-close all the outer
doors of four story house, open the in.
ner doors, and then take long switch and
chase . cat up and down stairs until she
sweats.
Boy, Why did you take an armful Of
my shingles on Sundsy?" why, sir.
mother wanted some kindling wood, and
didn't want to split wood on Sunday"
A curious typographical error recently
appeared in morning paper. In giving
an account of an inquest, it was stated.
1.-THE deceased bore IN accidental charac.
Ter, and the jury returned q verdict Of
excellent death.
A countryman in Albany lent courte.
Gus and urbans gentleman $50 to do some
business in the bank. and stood watching
} tho door till he should come out. Hi
business must have required time as vel
o. money, for he hasn't come out yet.
"You haven't got such thing as pair
Of old trowsers, have you p "Nc, my
man." said the merchant; Il don't keep
my wardrobe in my counting-house.'
'Where do you live p reioined Pat, "snd
I'll call in the morning for the ould pail
you've got on" use
i A hungry man went to dine at chop
house, and after waiting some few minutes
eruffly asked the waiter, "How long vii
|, my chop be ?" about ave inches, Sir !!
was the reply. ia
I A boy eight years old, in one of on
public schools, having been told that I
. reptile sis On animal that creeps," on be
ing asked to name one on examinatio,
day, promptly replied, "A baby"
When Sheridan kept school he had il
. one of his classes boy who always reat
cartridges for patrisrchs. "Stop." ex
claimed the wag of teacher, ''you shall
not make game of the patriarchs." -
There is gentleman mp town, who. q
the end of dance with a young lady, al
ways says, condescendingly: "Really
Miss -, you do very we'll. You'll be
good dancer yet" The ladies are Away
charmed with him. l-
! The Marion Commonwealth furnishe
the following marriage notice, which "
!. must admit is somewhat stony: married
at Fiiut-stone, by the Rev. Mr.. Wind
stone, Mr. Nehemiah Sandstone and Mis-
Wilhelmina Whetstone, both of Lime
: stone" Look out for birthstone mex
:. week. ...-..r 4.@a4. .ras@
A correspondent asks us what we thinl
of late blowing. Flowing should not b
continued later than 10 or II o'clock a
night. 1t gets the horse in the habit o
staying out late, and unduly exposes tn
> pillow. We have known plows to acquir
i. springhalt and inflammatory rheumatisn
from late blowing. Don't do it. j.
Al u II BAGGAGE" e 81 .
"That seat is engaged" said pretty youn
maid, ~. ~
As entered carriage one day;
T ITO whom Z" "a young gentleman" pOutin
+. she said. rs
:. "Then where is his baggage, 1 pray J"
+ Her ruby lips opened like rosebuds in spring,
q Her face in deep bushes was dyed, Y
As muttering Grossly, 'You hateful old thing
Why, am his baggage" SIZE cried. . ... e..