The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1871-01-07
VARIOUS ITEMS.

A poor rclation-Telling an anecdotc
badly.
The inexperienced make the best
hotel servants.
A fox recently promenaded busy
street in Cicinnati.
Sweet potato juice is said to cause
clear compilations.
Difficult putting stop
to a gossip's tongue.
Why is a new axe like coffee? 1t must
be ground before used.
The only persons who really enjoy bad
health are the doctors.
The modern woman's rites-Matrimo-
ny and divorce.
The question Of an Englishman's
bigamy hinges on whether one of the
ladies is his wife or his aunt.
The Partisan brokers, according to
Judy, have stopped speculation because
"aIl their capital is invested"
Why is the letter FL like cure for
deafness? Because it makes the ear
hear.
There will be ffty>thrce Sundays in
1871; the year beginning and ending on
Sunday.
Thirteen millions worth of pianos and
cabinet organs are annually sold in this
country.
A delicate package to be forwarded by
rail-a young lady wrapped up in her
self
In London the cabs ran over and
killed five people in one week, recently.
F
Some hard hearted thief recently rob-
bed the Montgomery County Poorhouse.
A wise philosopher has observed that
if the earth is really hollow, we all live
on a mere crust.
At recent Cincinnati masquerade,
the Enquirer says: "None but improper
characters were admitted"
First Cockney: 81 say, what sort of a
'ouse will do for fowl 'ouse ?" Second
Cockney "Lor' bless yer, benny 'ouse."
The greatest spain annihilator" in
existence is said to be an Indiana boy
who smashed a thousand windows
last year.
A mean man never knows he is mean;
he only thinks he is cautious, just as
near-sighted person seems to be looking
far away.
s.This insurance policy is a queer
I can't sell it, I can Gel it; aud il can
eel it, can't sell it,
A little girl going to Newport. and
seeing the willow phetons for the FIRST
time exclaimed: "Why, mamma, every
body rides out in their clothes baskets
here"
A reverend divine, who was but a So
so-preachcr, being called upon acciden-
tally for a sermon, asked friend what
he should preach about; to which the
other coolly replied, "About FIVE min
utcs."
DR.. Hall says if one eats without appe-
tito, he eats when there is no gastric
juice in the stomach, and the food will
not be digcsted, nor is it needed. A
'tonic" to whet an appetite is mistake.
It is said that it will take 1900 volumes,
of 1000 pages each to record oil the
names returned by the census takers.
A Canadian writes to the Birmingham
(England) Gazette. that the present
liberal government Of the colony will
| drive Canada to annexation to the United
States or independence of Great Britain
in six y ars.
A young girl in Chicago, betrayed by
her afianced lover, who married another
wrote him most pitiful note and then
plunged into the river. She was rescued
| afive, and may recover.
Nito>glycerine in the Eve years Stree
it came into use has killed 1.7OO persons
and injured many more, besides destroy
ing vast amount of property
An Irishman, in recommending cow
remarked, aShe will give milk year after
year without having calves, because she
came of q COW that never had calf"
The Salem Statesman Of December
28th reports the death Of young man
named John Conner Of Howell Prairie
of small pox, last Saturday, and says tho
/ whole family are down with it. Connor
had been living in Salem.
A Mexican in San Francisco recently
died from the effect of bite inflicted by
another woman on two fingers of her
left hand few days before. Phlegmon-
GUS crysipelas ensued, and death result
cd.
The Supreme Court Of New Hampshire
has rendered decision whereby it de-
nics the authority Of the Police Courts
| to naturalixe aliens under tho United
States law, and renders void all naturali-
xations made by those Courts.
While country parson was preaching,
the chief Of his parishioners, sitting near
the pulpit, was fast asleep, whereupon
be said ''Now. beloved friends, am ia
. great srraight; for If / speak too softly
those at the further end of the church