davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28
Wit and Wisdom.

ToILERs of the see-Opticians.
MERE matter of form-Fitting dress.
NATURE's optics must be her rs-in-
glass.
IT takes all our learning to be simple.
-Archbishop Usher.
THE coming Ocean Ferry from France
to America-Jules.
HIGHDRAwLIcs-The long-drawn &C
cents of fashionable swells.
QUERY for Spiritualists-Are low spir-
it's less than medium sighs?
THE champion reaper which secures
the largest harvest-Advertisin
TRUTH is as impossible to be soiled by
any outward touch as the sunbeam.
EVERY man who goes out West re-
turns with his story of an arrow escape.
AVOID slang, my son; don't say a
"swell' when it's as well to say some
thing else.
THE poorest education that teaches
self is better than the best that
neglects it.
IT is the ordinary way of the world to
keep folly at the helm and wit under
the matches.
SPARE no pains in identifying your
homes and improving the roads that
lead to them.
WHAT would pig do who wished to
build himself habitation2 Tie knot
in his tail, and call it a Pig's-tie.
ALL fears of the cholera from Russia
seem to have subsided; Alexis only
brought the Hoopenkoff with him.
TENNESSEE hires out convicts to work
on railroads, which looks like offering a
premium for them to make tracks.
A WISE man looks upon men as he
does on horses; all their caparisons of
title, wealth, and place he considers but
as harness.
GRIEF knits two hearts in closer bonds
than happiness ever can and common
suffering is a far stronger link than
common JOY.
Who is wiser He that learns from
every one. Who is powerful? He that
governs his passions. Who is rich? He
that is content.
WHEN Plato was told that he had
many enemies who spoke i'll of him, he
replied: at is no matter; 1 shall live
SO that none will believe them"
IT is said that to hatter people effect
lively you must know what they are,
what they think they are, and what
they want other people to think they
are.
WHEN you see a young man with a
good deal of religion displayed in his
shop-window, you may depend upon it
he keeps a very small stock of it
within.
TRYING to do business without adver-
tising is like winking at pretty girl
through pair of green goggles. You
may know what you are doing, but no
body else does.
GIVE have no room for all this" said
our night-editor, glancing despairingly
at a two-column obituary, sit must be
cut down to a proper die-mention."-
Ne1o York World.
A LITTLE girl from Schenectady, after
noticing for some time the glittering
gold filing in her aunt's front teeth,
exclaimed: "Aunt Mary, wish had
copper -toed teeth like yours ~
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28
Bergh After the f Great Snowman"
From the New York Sun, Dec. 9.


On Thursday Mr.. Bergh visited the
show at the rink. Bergh and Barnum
have met before, and fierce have been
the battles between them. Barnum
would insist upon feeding his reptiles
upon live pigeons and rabbits, and
Bergh vowed that he should not. Bergh
had the Sun to back him, and won, but
Barnum sent his reptiles over to New
Jersey, and there fed them as he
pleased. The humanitarian had not
got two yards beyond the entrance be-
fore he was spotted, and offers of re-
served seats were made by one of the
officials but Mr.. Bergh had paid his
half dollar and was independent. All
the live animals were visited and their
cages inspected. The great African
eland was found in a small cavern
without room to turn around, and the
sacred Burmese bull was in like pre-
dicament. The royal Abyssinian lions,
the South African tigers and leopards
were found better located, and they ap-
peared better contented. A fierce spot
ted hyena attracted Mr.. Bergh's atten-
ton. He was chained down within
eight inches of the floor of his cage. In
the next compartment was a beautiful
ly marked leopard, and the hyena had
torn down portion of the wooden par
W SudOIO A1u1 ~ dA az
quaintance with his neighbor. Long
nails had been driven through the par
tition to keep off the hyena. Mr.. Bergh
requested that the chain might be
heightened SO as to allow the beast to
stand upright. 1t appeared that the
animal sometimes got ugly, and was
then chained down. The ant-eaters
and the happy family were then in
spected, and their treatment and lodg-
ings were approved of. Altogether,
Mr.. Bergh thought the animals were
well cared for, though confined in
smaller cages than were needful.
The circus was also visited, and
| bareback rider nearly came to grief for
lashing his horse, splendid grey, over
the nose with the but of his whip. He
had little boy in his arms, four years
old, poor little mass of what appeared
to the spectator flexible india rubber
by the manner in which he was twisted
about. This rider will be watched, and
if he treats his nag in the same manner
that part of the performance will be
abruptly closed and the noble equestri-
an will be hauled off some cold night in
his feshings and lodged in the York
vile ice cellar.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28
A Mathematical CObbIer.

The following curious history of a
mental prodigy is extracted from an
article in the New York Eve71ing Post:
Another case was that of cobbler,
living in London, England, who worked
at his trade from morning till night.
He was a man of very inferior powers
in all respects but one-in resolving
problems in figures he was unrivalled.
He made his talent of use to himself
by exacting a small charge for exhibit
ing it, keeping in his stall blackboard
and a piece of chalk. Any one who
paid him three pence might give him
any problem in figures he chose. The
cobbler would take the chalk and write
down the solution on the instant. For
shilling he would answer questions
for an hour. He would multiply long
rows of figures by each other apparently
without moments reflection, dealing
as rapidly and unerringly with fractions
and fractions of fractions as with in
tegers, and would set down the equiva-
lent in a simple fraction of any number
of compound ones the moment he had
read them. Being asked how many
lis. 73d. there were in 910,987, ,353, he
replied Immediately, "Well, there will
be remainder-so much (writing down
the fgures), and them's the figures for
answer" (jotting them down as fast as
his fingers could move).
Not the least curious feature in the
cobbler's case was the fact that he
seemed to have no ineligible notion of
the means by which he produced his
results; at any rate, if he had, he was
quite unable to give any explanation of
them. He was invited to give lecture
at a mechanics institute on mental
arithmetic, and proud enough he was
to accept the invitation. He was fitted
up in decent, secondhand apparel, and
he went with his long black-b board and
chalks. Most astonis hing things he
certainly did in the calculating way, de-
tanning the audience to a late hour, as
he performed one marvel after another.
But neither by close attention or exact
ing questions could there be gained the
least inkling of the processes that were
passing SO rapidly in his mind. He had
no information to give. 1t was utterly
| impossible for him to teach others what
was as easy to himself as breathing.
His replies to questions put not only
| betrayed great irritation, but were
vague, confused, and contradictory.
AN Indianapolis paper thus sums up
| the divorce market: Brisk competi-
ton among the lawyers has brought
down the price of divorces very low in
this market. We quote: Common
separation, $15 small alimony, $25
large aGmony, $50 to 800. There
| are but few of the latter in the mar
ket. General business good and in
| creasing."
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28
Hints for the Housewife.

RoO to Judge Poulsy.-We give a few
general rules by which the age of fowls
of all descriptions can be judged. In
following these rules no reason need be
assigned by any grocer, much less
housekeeper, for purchasing other than
good, wholesome and tender fowls.
If hens spur is hard, and the scales
on the legs rough, she is old, whether
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28
HypOchOndricaI.

bear about by day and night
The most acute of maladies;
To picture it in black and white
The obi ect of this ballad is.
Permit me. gentle reader, please,
To breathe in your auricular;
I suffer from the fell disease
Called nothing in particular.
To render it the more intense.
And nearly uncomfortable.
My Doctor says, in confidence,
'Tis totally incurable.
Ny mind has threatened. ere to-day,
To lose its perpendicular.
And fall a melancholy prey
70 nothing in particular.
London Fun.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28
AnecdOte of Handel.

Handel was one of the most humor-
Gus of mortals, and at the same time
one of the most irritable. His best
jokes were perpetrated frequently dur
ing his most violent bursts of passion.
Having occasion to bring out one of
his oratorios in a provincial town of
England, he began to look about for
such material to complete his orchestra
and chorus as the place might afford.
One and another was recommended, as
usual, as being splendid singer, great
player, and SO on: After while such
as were collectable were gathered to-
gether in room, and after prelimina-
ries, Handel made his appearance, puff:
ing, both arms full of manuscripts.
Gentlemen" quoth he, "you all read
manuscripts ?" Yes, yes" responded
from all parts of the room. "We play
in church," added an old man behind a
violoncello. every well, blay dis" said
Handel, distributing the parts.
This done, and few explanations de-
ivered, Handel retired to a distant part
of the room, to enjoy the effect. The
stumbling, fumbling and blundering
that ensued is said to be indescribable.
Handeps sensitive ear and impetuous
spirit could not long brook the insult,
and clapping his hands to his. ears, he
ran to the old gentleman of the violon-
cello, and shaking his fist furiously at
the terrified man and the instrument,
said, You blay in de church very
well-you may blay in de church-for
we read, the Lord is long suffering, of
great kindness, forgiving iniquity, trans
gression and sin; you shall blay in de
church, but you shall not blay for me -
and snatching together his manuscript,
he rushed out Of the room leaving his
astonished performers to draw their own
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28

THE Dubuque farmer who, in addi-
ton to his profits from produce, has
made, this season, nearly two thousand
dollars by the sale of honey, has de-
rived as much from mer beeing as from
acutual doing.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-12-28

THE marble quarries of Vermont are
literally mines Of wealth. Over thou
sand men are employed, and many of
the mills where he saving is done
is valued at 100000. The marble is
sold at prices ranging from $3.50 to $14
per cubic foot.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04
The Coal Famine.

New York, for the past week or two, has
been suffering from coal famine, Pennsy-
vania coal having gone up to 20 dollars a
ton--until the Erie railroad brought partial
relief by bringing btumlnous coal from the
west at 500 ton. The enormous price Of
Pennsylvania coal was caused by no scarcity
of the article at the mines, but arose from the
difficulty between the miners, and the owners
Of the mines and the railroads that transport
the coal. The whole matter is exceedingly
complicated, but the truth, in very few
words, probably is, that the miners are some
times unreasonable in their demands ofwages,
and that the "0pcrators' or owners of the
mines and the railroad companies, play upon
the sensitiveness of the miners to get up
strikes whenever they want to send up the
price of coal at tide water to an enormous
figure. There is very short way to end the
difficulty, and that is for congress to repeal
the duty on foreign coal. Coal from Nova
Scotia can always be laid down in New York
at from 81 to SIS ton, and that is more than
Pennsylvania coal ought ever to bring in the
same market
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04
San Domingo.
decide.

Preliminary reports from the San Domingo
Commission have been received at Washing
ton, and though they have not been made
public, it is understood that the commissions
ers fully confirm the general statements of the
newspaper correspondents that the greatest
obstacle to annexation is the hostile attitude
of Haytl. Cabral is found more important
parsonage than was imagined, and he would
ere this have overthrown the Baez govern
ment but for the support it had from the Unit
ed States. Cabral himself, however, would not
be averse to selling out to the T. s. if they
made him bctter offer than Hayti pays for
his opposition to annexation But that Hayt
will at once declare war against the U. S. on
annexation being accomplished there is no
doubt, and although the country is contempt
IDLE enough, a war with Hayti is no child's
play, as Napoleon found when he sent 10000
men there of whom but 1000 got away. The
commissioners expect to be occupied in their
investigation until the middle of April.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04
Peace.

at length the dCspathes from Europe bring
the positive statement that peace has been
concluded between France and Prussia. A
despatch from the Emperor William to his
queen makes the announcement in such pos
tive terms as to leave no room for doubt on
the subject. France gives up Elsace and the
fortress of Metz, and pays Prussia thousand
millions of dollars toward detraying her war
expenses. Lorraine, which Prussia included
in her first demand, she finally yielded rather
than renew the war.
Thus the whirliglg of time may always be
trusted to bring things around in a way to
right old wrongs In the late war the
position Of the two great powers of continent
tai Europe was exactly the reverse sfwhst it
was little less than century ago Then
Napoleon l. marched his armies through
Germany as irresistiby and carelessl y as Will
lam recently walked over France. Fortress after
fortress fell into his hands, the capitols of the
affrighted Kings of Germany were occupied
one after the other, and their domains par
celled out to Napoleons brothers and brothers.
in-law, who were set over them as kings.
And if the peace just concluded at Versailles
is humiliating to France, it is a bagatelle conf
pared to the humiliation put upon Germany
by the peace Of Tilsit BY that treaty Prus-
STA lost half her territory. Her lands on the
right of the Ebe were formed into an indie
pendent Kingdom, over which Jerome Bona
part was set up as king. Dantzig was declar-
ed republic, and Prussia was obliged to
keep open seven roads for the permanent tran
sit Of French troops over her own territory !;
and Prussia alone, reduced to five millions Of
inhabitants, was obliged to pay France seven
hundred millions of francs for war expenses,
TO pay which many Of her cities to this day
are burdened with debt.
France has reasons to congratulate herself
on the mildness rather the severity Of the
present Prussian eXactions. Doubtless the
suffering from the war has been intense in
both countries, and Germany was scarcely less
eager for peace than France herself
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04
The State Fair Gone Up.

Ottawa. in her effort TO get the state fair
for the next two years, supposed she was
waging contest with Decatur, bloomington,
Springfield, and 4 few either localities Of that
grade, but certainly had no idea she was COM
peting with the Illinois Central Railroad Com
pany. 1t appears. however, that such was
the fact, and when the state board met on the
2Sth ult Ottawa was rather taken aback on
finding that the pins had been set up for Du-
quoin, village of some 1000 inhabitants built
UP bv the railroad company aforesaid some
where down in Egypt, The reader, curious
to know where DuQuoin is located, can, by
the aid of magnitylng glass, find it on u
map Of the state projected on Il pretty large
scale, by following down the line Of the Cen
trail Railroad to Perry county, where he may
possibly find opposite fly spec dot in very
small letters the name d" DuquoiH.' The OBJ
lection made by such Of the state board that
pretended to know something about our city
was, that she lacked hotel room. Our Clifton
Hotel would take in all Duquoin and not be
over crowded But Ottawa was not rich enough
to outbid a mammoth corporation like the
Illinois Central Railroad Company. The final
vote in the state board stood 10 for Duquoin
and for Ottawa.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04
The Difference,

1t makes all the difference, in measuring the
Nervousness Of the otfense, whose OK has beer
gered. Two years ago, when the radicals had
a majority of ten in the Legislature OF Indiana
they undertook to force through that body
| the ratification of the fifteenth amendment
though in the election the fall before the rad.
icals had stoutly denied that said amendment
was an issue in the contest The democrats
| resisted the ratification under the circum-
stances as IN outrage, and demanded that be-
tore 1t should be consummated, there should
another election. The radicals insisted on
pressing the infamy, and the democrats, to de-
feat them, resigned their seats, leaving the
Legislature without quorum, as the constitu-
ton OF Indiana requires the presence oftwo-
thirds of the members to constitute quorum.
The radicals however, insisted that the CON
stitution did not mean two-thirds of all the
members elected, but only two-thirds Of those
| actually holding seats Mt the time exclusive
of those who had died or resigned. And I'M
der this forced construction, constitutional
minority of the Indiana Legislature proceeded
to ratity the fifteenth amendment, and con-
gress held the ratification valid.
Last week, however, the democrats having
a majority Of fifteen in the Indiana legislature,
were about to pass an apportionment bill to
which the radicals objected. The democrats
pressed the measure, and to defeat it, the rad
icals resigned, leaving the legislature again
without constitutional quorum. But how
now 7 DO the radicals, who stoutly contended
two years ago that quorum consisted of
two-thirds of the members actually holding
seats, exclusive of members that had died or
resigned, maintain the same doctrine now
Not much! Now every politician and every
little radical whiflet of journal in the state
is taking the democratic position of two years
ago, and contending that, by the resignation
of the IS radical members of the house, that
body is left without quorum! Doubtless
the democrats could so on and pass the APP.
portionment bill and other necessary meas
ures, and compel the supreme court, which
two years ago decided the acts of the radical
rump Legislature to be constitutional, to pre-
serve its consistency and decide in their favor
but that is not the democratic style. The
Legislature they regard as broken up by the
radicals, and instead Of taking snap Judg-
ment on the people, as the radicals did two
years ago they intended to take their case
before the people on Its merits and let them
decide
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

SArp WEErs.-The Republican works itself
into corruption fit over imaginary wrongs
the democratic party of Ottawa might, would
or could do, were they so disposed. The
m"cracy propose to make good ticket, as
heretofore, and elect 1t. The Republicans
sobbings are like those of the girl ten years
old, whose mother found her crying, and ask
ing the cause, the girl replied, with sobs and
blubbering, 81 thought as how might git to
be big gal--and git marred-and hev "a ba-
by--and ge-oat to milk ssmc cvcnlng-and
leave the baby alonc-and it might crawl in
to the fre-and-b-b-burn itself to death
boo hoo"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

How THE MONEY GOES. An instance of the
impuni.y with which public funds are stolen
under the present administration is given in
the San Francisco correspondence OF the
Chicago 7ribune. There has been a loss, says
the writer referred to. Of some 100000 from
the bullion fund Of the San Francisco mint,
a fund credited to the mint by the govern
ment IN order to facilitate operation. by en-
abling it to pay depositors of bullion the pro-
cecds of their deposits promptly while the
mint is closed for annual balances and the
like. 1t is admitted that the greater part of
this fund mas been ste!en the deficiency has
been reported to Washington, but nothing has
been done about it,
a nephew of the superintendent, who, it
is said, took from $4,000 to $4,000 of the
money, and left the country, returned to San
| Francisco lately, and visited the supernten-
dent; but when the opposition newspapers
began to ask why he was not arrested, he dis
appeared again. 1t is not stated whether he
was allowed an opportunity to make another
grab. 1t may be taken for granted that the
superintendent of the San Francisco mint Is
strongly in favor of the Immediate annexation
of San Domingo.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

Judge Treat, of the L. S. district court at
Springfield, ILL.,, though one of the ablest and
purest men on the American bench, is disloy-
al. He decided last week that a Niger has
no right to thrust himself into the front seat
at public entertainment against the orders
of the proprietor. 1t is true, there is no law
against kicking out white man when he in
trudes where he is not wanted, but the Mig
ger presents different case, you see. Con.
gress will have to pass law to "recenstruct'
Judge Treat .....
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

AURORA did friendly thing by holding
meeting, in which many of her leading citizens
seem to have taken part and resolving very earn.
sstly in favor of holding the mex. State Fair at
Ottsws. The completion Of the Fox RivOr Val.
ley R. r. places US within speaking distance OF
Aurora, and tho showing Of such friendly feel
ing towards us ought to create ia Ottawa de-
sire to cultivate closer acquaintance with The
big hearted people Of our neighbor e,ty.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

GRANT STRETCHED by \ REPUBIICAN.-Th
Cincinnati Commercial Gepublican) has this
lielikc description of President Grant: .'
1--WE are presented with the spectacle of a
dull, slow, coarse man standing in the Presi-
dents room at the capitol, in reality the agent
of corrupt .jobbers and common thieves, IN APP
pearance the President of the United States.
and debating his wishes to the supple law
makers, who dare not assert their convictions
or express the will Of their constituents"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

LIBEL SuIr.--The managers of the so-called
Missouri state Lottery have brought suit
against the publishers of the st. Louis Rep,,J.
iican for libel, laying their damages at the
modest sum of 100000 AS lotteries are for
hidden by the laws of Missouri, 1t don't look
as if the manages aforesaid stood much
chance for obtaining heavy damages for being
denounced as swndlers."
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

CRUEL SwINDLE.-An old lady from Men.
doia, going east with her two daughters last
week met ON the cars going to Chicago a
very genteeI young man, to whom the old
lady, on arriving at Chicago, entrusted her
purse to purchase the tickets for her party to
the east. The nice young man gave the Ia.
dies the slip and has not been seen since. The
steal amounts TO $12.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04

HOG SHow.-The Illinois Swine Breeders
Association have made arrangements for hold.
ing grand hog fair at Chicago on the 10th,
Goth and 2lst of September. The premiums
range from 800 down to SIS, and cover all
classes and crosses Of the swinish herd Gov,
Palmer heads an awarding committee of Is
on sweepstakes.