Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-07-06
Humorous Readings.

Toilers of the see-Opticians.
A mere blind-A sun-shade
Girl loafers-Female bakers.
Real mourning-Invisible black.
Mere matter of form-Fitting irsa
The best "church service"-MstrinosI
Maids of honor-Those who do not
suitors.
People who come to high word. re
quently indulge in low expressions
Which would young lady rather r
a Dryad or Naisd? A Drysd, for =
she would be a wood nymPh.
Some author says that one OF Ne u
of adversely is to bring Us ont. Ihati
especially at the knees and elbow
A contemporary says of q very pr
nent military general, that ''his 81
was never drawn but once-and then
rattle"
"Chsrlie, my dear, come and get 81
candy ?" 81 guess I won't mind it nos
replied the young hopeful; Il have CT
chew of tobacco in"
A man who had accused bis neigks
of falsehood was called on for an spoloIl
which he gave in these ambiguous tern
81 called you a liar,-it is true. Z
spoke trHth; I have told lie"
A nobleman who painted remarks
well for an amateur, showing one Of /
pictures TO Poussin, the latter eIolsins.
"Your lordship only requires q little p
erty to become famous"
"Good morning, Mr.. Henpeck," sid
printer in search of female compositn
"Have you any daughters who wgl.
make good type-setters z" ''No, hi
have a wife who would make fine dew
A collection of Shakespearisn critisis-
would make very curious volume, %
it would hardly contain an odder exsufzl
than that of the swell who complsil.I
that Hamlet" was "dooced full Of q1,.
tons"
Horace Greeley, in his essay on fa-r
ing, says that the only wsyso eHect1s-..
destroy Widows weeds which seen
thrive in some kinds of soil, is for tbebl-
band to say wilt thou p Thst msEs
them Immediately wilt.
A fat able coming late in the eyeni4
to fortified city, inquired of a countrl
man if he could get In at the gate /
think you cam said the rustic, surveyl1.
him carefully: / saw a load Of hay 4
through this morning
A man has invented new and cbsl
plan for boarding. One of his lodge
the rest, and then esis
hearty meal-the mesmerized being ssrI
fed from sympathy.
The last modern instance Of absence
mind is that of the Vermont wagner 9
ing to market, who lifted bis horse IL
the wagon, and tackled himself into u
traces, and he did not discover his erfs
until he endesyored to neigh.
Three-fourths of the difficulties 3D..
miseries of men come from the fact, ID
most want wealth without earning J.
fame without deserving il, poPulsn2
temperance, respect wlth0'
virtue, and happiness without holmes
AS cid Roger Ascham hath it, .
,mittee stuYde some TYNE Of the os!.
and some TYNE of the yeare. Dakeflf
much fer the increase of iearninge, s..
ct the land I've sometyme fslloe, msS'
or the better increase of corne."
Freshman lreading aloud from Bartls.i
Familiar Quotations.. That's besT1'
,ul idea. Chum. Where from2 Frat
nan. Tennyson. Chum. Yes, but mes
What piece2 Freshman. 1t says Ibid, tH
didn't know he wrote that.
a"Where was /, ma" said little urrtH
o his mother, as he stood gazing 81 u
Irunken and Frustrated father; "Nbss
vas I when you married pa 2 VIZ
Iidn't You take me along 2 ! could b"
licked out better man than be is
1t seems to me / have seen your pbys
gnomy somewhere before, said q
. a stranger whom he had met, "b1l.:
annot imagine where" "Very Likely
eplied the other; 81 have been the gorf
rnor of prison for the last twenty ysSh
A lady having spoken sharply to ~
arr, apologized by saying, at is =
rivilege of women to talk nonsen'.
%, madam, it is not their privilege n
heir infirmity. Ducks would walh
hey could, but nature suffers them OILY
, waddle."
A "class-leader" recently asked scisgs
fic student what profession he intsnc =.
follow. "Civil engineering was ~
,e reply. "Well," remarked the scn0.,
suppose when o man gets gooa ~
inc be becomes very much attsehsa
!"