Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-01-20

us have another piece "--San Domir
go.
Greedy has made his VIII, but ws
wise enough To get somebody to writ
it,
1t is an even chance now, whether
man gets into State Prison or Congress
Why have widows the right to fiirt
Because the Bible says the widow
mite.
The man who tried to arrange hi
hair with an ice pick got into n nic
pickle.
The latest style of bonnets has
reef in the mainsail, and the flying jill
is well trimmed down.
Since the jute bug has been scienti
icly examined, chignons retail at sew
enteen cents apiece.
A New Yorker has a dog which h
has named Peanuts on account of TIN
thinne SIS OF his bark.
Railways are aristocratic. They
teach every man to know his own sta
ton, and to stop there.
OF what feminine creature are yOr
reminded on the completion of o build
ing? A housemaid.
1t is said the Chinese knew how tC
steal, five hundred years before the
Radical party was born.
A young lady, when told to exercise
TO- health, said she would jump at al
If and run her own risk.
People engaged at the mint ought to
be rich, for the simple reason that they
know how to :" make money"
A Western John Smith has discov-
cred that no one of the nome has ever
held a high Office or been hung.
CARLYLE says of suffrage: 20, won
drous system of extricating the wi,
dom of people by counting their noses
The best cough drop for young ladies
is to drop the practice of dressing thin,
when you so into the night air.
A colored lady, boasting of the prog
ress made by her son in arithmetic,
said: He is in his modification ia
ble"
"There are three things" said a wit,
which have loved without under
standing them: painting, music and
women"
The siere Of Paris has added to the
vocabulary. Thus we hear of pigeon
ing" messages and "ballooning" dis
patches.
A Montgomery, Alabama, curiosity
is headless wLman. of course no
one would think of putting head
on lady"
The Dubuque Times styles Beecher's
late sermon in opposition to endless
punishment, 1.-The Excelsior Fire Ex-
tinguisher."
Certain ladies' of New England have
been brutality informed that the best
way to contribute to the worlds peace
Is to hold theirs. .
A paper has all article headed with
the cOnnundrnm, "Why do wives
fade? We suppose is is because they
won't wash? Don't it?
How can I expand my chest ?" an
extortionate man asked of physician.
by carrying good large heart in it. !"
replied the doctor.
Horace Greeley's latest ailment is a
desire to fall asleep at all hours of the
day, but more especially when reading
some of his own editorials.
A Boston man went TO Portland,
Me, and noticing sign at Zion's Adj
vocate, went in and inquired if Mr..
Zion was at home. Mr.. Zion was not
in.
Why is n drunkard hesitating to
sign the pledge like a skeptical Hin
doc? Because he is in doubt whether
to give up the worship of the jug or
not.
"Will accept millinery shop and
dry goods store on my accOuntw Is
now the fashionable way of asking
the dilicate and mOmentous question.
Florida planters are giving up cotton
in favor of sugar-cane. Why don't
they cultivate both? Lasses and cot
son generally go together in this lati-
tude.
The Rochester Democrat says of
woman that she is a world without al
equator. md what is quite az remark
able. in every latitude she is without a
parallel.
There are certain gossips in society
who resemble long and twisted trIImD-
ets-what they receive as faint whis-
per, the- give out in long connected
blast. ......s.f. Frt.efr
Loss of China packet Shin" ex-
claimed literal-min'ltd old lady ye--
tcrday, as she laid down a newspaper,
a should think so, WI Ell even iron
ones are not always safe"
4 writer asks through the farmers
department. of contemporary, if any
one can inform a poor man as To the
best way To start a little nursery. Why
by getting married of course?
A Detroitcr who took a flask Of whis-
key with him on a shooting trip. struck
a race track i'm the suburbs on his re-
turn. and walked around it all night,
wondering why he didn't get to town.
Said killing" young man: THAT
charming woman and myself are in
sympathy with each other" How SO,
nv dear fellow?' "Well, / hate her
husband, and she hates him too"
Atlispute having long existed among
the learned az 10 the meaning OF the
statement JeZ.bel tired her head !;
we venture tn submit that it is tn De
understood that her hair was done
up"
An honest old darkey down Sonth
says Dey tole us iar was pervlssions
in de Constitution for we culled folks.
but dat's lie; dem provisions didn't
a..... NJ. -ir-o- ai,,t seed de fu Z