The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1871-12-01


usr. Twain came strolirg on the stage
IN that peculiar sly lc of his, and "hoWlen,
To Use his own phrase, 10 the toNo"lpg
manner:
Ladies and Gcntlemcn,-1 ask leave 10
Introduce TO you the lecturer OF tne eve
ming. Mir. Clemens, otherwise Mai 1 waill'
Z g.D,lcmsn OF great learning, OF sclentlnc
rr.caIch, and one whose uu"aFeflhS ao-
brrcnce 10 the truth is in felicitous harmony
with his high moral character ana his ma
I'.I,c nresence. | refer to myself. intro
1ure myself because thought 1t necessary.
No one could take me thea for the prevail
In. Grand Duke. like TO do it myself,
because can get in all the facts.
ARTEMCs WARD.
This lecture, will remark, Is about Ar
tcnus Ward. When first started out IN
,biS missionary expedition | thought OIL
err Wdipn in several people, but found L
could gel only one in, and him not easily
&c Just lorpcd of Milton, Martin Luther,
aau the rest cfthe other humortsts. Arte-
mus Ward WAS, perhaps, the ereatcst hu-
mo,ist America ever produced, Out the
development.
will illustrate his character by Rnec-
do;es, not By philosophical deductions. L
Ike his deductions myself, but they only
eyaspcrate sn audience. Artemus Ward
was
BORN HUMoRIsT;
WAS funny from his cradle to his grave.
once when q schoo!-Doy he and friend
pot hold OF Il pack OF cards and INDUCED
heavily in euchre. A Baptist minister was
stopping at the house, and TO Secrele the
cards tncy placed them in his black gown
which huGg in closet. But what was hls
horror to see the minister one day IN The
river baptizine bis converts, and presently
the cards commented to tlOat upon the
water, tho first cards beng couple OF
bowers and three aces. Wei, he got we'll
walloped tor this, anu bis aunt pictured to
hi.n the huml ion Of the minister. Said
She" 81 don't see how he got out of H."
Artunus replied: IL don't see how he
could help going ont on u hand like that"
AItemls Ward, rs you know, was Charles
F. Btvwue, born in 1884 ut Waterford, Me.
Bu: he wasn't very stout. lie WAS built on
Tie -tovc.stretchc: principle. lie came OF
good Old Puritan stock, and was proud Of
H. BE SAYS himself: :: The Wards are de-
srrnded from that noble race who fled from
de:potlsm t. n land where they could enjoy
their Wa religion and prevent everybody
el.c from enjoying his"
Mr.. TWAIN here referred to his own an
ceslvrs. SAID he: 81 had them in the Boz
ton massacre, and at Bunker Hill, where
they were always to be found among the
dead, wounded, aud missing. They were
generally missing before the first shot. You
see, they were alWayS prompt that way"
Attcmu> did not have much education,
anu the reason was that he didn't like 10
work OF STE others do it, and once pre-
h'ned plan TO the Stale by which the
iI.HG mills Ill which convicts walk should
be iun by steam. He was proud of his
home, AMI Wasa
DuTIFUL, LOVING SON.
The first Use he made of his money was to
Clear of the deuts on his old homestead.
Artemus had to make his living when
quite q hoy, commencing with printer in
Skowhcgan. He worked so hard he got
d.>gustcd, but loved the name Of Skowhe-
gan, 1t reminded him Of the beautiful
Spanish names; it sounded so different.
About the age Of sixteen he went to Bos.
ton, and got on
mrs. PARTISGToN's" cARPET-BAa.
Then 1t was he wrote his first piece and
dropped it stealthily into the Office; and
how proud he ttlt next day when they gave
1t to him TO set up. Then he commenced
to write, and write generally. lie touched
everything. Ee even wrote column OF Il
scientific essay entitled g. IL Cats Useful 2"
and sent 1t to the Smithsonian Institute.
Then he swung around generally and GOT
to Cleveland, where he became a reporter.
Here he became we'll known in his particu.
lar line. Abiding to 4 very slow railroad,
be said the railroad was bro Cder of injus-
tice. lie told of Il convict who was started
TO 20 TO the Jail ~ the end Of the road, but
p"t so old while going that he dtdu't an
s"er The description when he got there.
speaking OF this same road, he once told
Tho conductor the cow-catcher should be
~ ns a
You can't" said he, " oveItake Il COW
but what's to hinder one walking In the
back door ind biting the passengers?"
lie once said ITO be attached TO thing
makes it precious to US, but he knew
horse that had been attached for weeks anC
weeks to dray. and he knew from his owl
personal knowledge that the horse Wu
down on that druy.'
In Cleveland he became very spirited
reporter. One day he sat down In i'm idl,
III nlcnt and wrote
TIE FIRST "ARTEaUs WARD" LETTER,
/ Lis spread like wlld.tire and made thu
WaK-~orkS" Snowman famous, and SEN
n" Young writer almost TO the top of the
lldder OF fame.
Ibtn he got to New York and tool
charge OF "Nanlty Fair" After that
wanting money, he determined OIL u lee
tlre, and wrote that string Of jokes called
i
first in Norwich, and eventually broush
it 10 New York. The Bohemians helpet
him nobly, but snow-storm spoiled The
speculation. A Csliiornia manager asked
bum what "would he take for fort,
nights" lie sent back word, "Brand!
anu water"
Wen, he went TO California, ard al
through Utah and back to New York. ant
made lots Of money but now journey
man gas.tttcr on the new courthouse ir
New York makes more IN day than he
did In week. / don't charge anything
extra for q little thing like that.
Then Artemus went over to England
with his show, and his reception was an
ovation. He took Egyptian Hall, and lee.
tured six weeks In succession. lie wore
astonishing clothes, and sported tiger and
u page, and all that sort of thing.
His pictures in his show were monstrous-
ly bud on purpose. he would point at some
s,otesque thing and say "thaps horse. !
know II is Ny artist told me so. l was .
long while finding that out, but at last my
artist said TO me, it's useless to deceive
you any longeI--that's horse.'"
He was very tender-footed in the matter
OF criticism. When taken to task be would
say, 'sWhy slur me because can't make q