The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-04-11
II U N 0 RoUs 1TE MS. .

ieU'Si-p"A W ~ Ny INC man ualh'
BSy~ A young widow who was a great
stickler for poiteness, on being visited by
her pastor and asked as to her husbands
health, he knowing of his decease, re-
piled, He is dead, thank you.
Dsgr What are you doing there ?"
inquired Jack of Tom, as he caught him
peeriug through the keyholc. What's
that to you ?" said Tom, " / don't like to
see persons prying into other peoples
business.
Bas~ You must have lived here long
time" said travelling Euglishman to an
old Oregon pioneer. /" Yes, sir, l have.
Do you see that mountain Well, when
| came here that mountain was a hole in
the ground P' The Englishman opened his
half shut eyes.
B6gH A wife in San Francisco lately
put petition for divorce in the court,
on the ground that her husband was
" confounded fool" The judge, who was
an old bachelor, would not admit the
plea because, he said, every man who gets
married would be liable to the same inn
putation.
BO~ A poor, emaciated Irishman hav-
ing called in a physician, in a forlorn
hope, the latter spread a large mustard
plaster and put it on the poor fellows
lean chest. Pat, when he with fearful
eyes looked down on it, said: "Dochter,
it strikes me it's dale of mustard for 50
little mate"
Ba~ Quilp and his wife had bit of
contention the other day. 81 own that
you have more brillancy than l, /" said
the woman, but have the better judg-
ment" Eyes" said Quilp your choice
in marrying shows that" Quilp was in
formed that he was brute.
Bas- The following advertisement ap-
peared in an Irish paper Wheras,
Patrick Mallory has fraudulently taken
away several articles of wearing apparel
without my knowledge, this is, therefore,
to inform him that if he does not forth
with return the same, his name shall be
made public"
Ba~ A tombstone in South Carolina
cemetery was recently made conspicuous
by some wag, who painted on it the fol-
lowing lines =.
"Here lies the body of jeremiah Gordon,
! With mouth almighty ,and feet accordin,'
Tread lightly, stranger, o'er this and wonder,
For If he opens his mouth, you're gone by
thunder" .H
B@" A country squire in Massachusetts
was called in by colored family to make
few remarks at the funeral of their son
in the absence of the only clergyman Of
the place. The weeping friends were
seated about the room, when he rose and
said 3" It's pretty bad but if l was you
| wouldn't take on so. It's all for the
best S'pose he'd lived and grown up
to be fat, healthy boy-why he'd never
be nothin' but niger anyhow"
Mr.. Timothy Barnes was very nice man
A good natured, big-hearted elf
Who was fond of glass, though he'd some
times take more.
But you know how 1t is yourself"
Tim oftimes went home in a rolcking mood,
When he'd smash up the tinware and delf,
AS citizens do when they've had good time
"But you know how it is YOURSELF"
The worst oft was, that this fondness for wine
First emptied Tins pocket of pelf-
Then made his head buzz like bumble-bee's
nest
"But you know how it is yourself"
BGy@ Last week young lady in Lex
ington, KY, received the following choice
JiRet-dour: 81 saw you at shurtch last
sundy mite, and / want tu form with you
! an Acquanetans, am man of good
, karicter, and get a celery of $500 per
annum. Pleas address box, poost OTIS"
: The young lady returned this reply
. "To the young Man with the Bad Spell
, The wish to form an acquaintance is
not reciprocal. But If you will call al
my house about o'clock in the evening
} my brother will make your acquaintance
with some frst-cass calfskin. Perhaps
: you would prefer making the acquaintanc,
: of our dog, He will take to you natural
: ly He always had taste for calves"
RG~ In a Justices court down East,
c a trial was under way for trespass, il
Q cutting wood from a neighbors's premi
!, ses without authority. One Of the plain
/ tiff's witnesses was plain old farmer
i whose testimony went clearly and directl,
!. to prove the charge. The defendant
r counsel, clustering man Of Brass, afte
o the most approved fashion Of country pei
p % tifoggers, thought to weaken the force o
his evidence by proving idiocy to be