The Louisiana Democrat. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1845-1918, 1871-02-22
Josh Billings Remarks to Females.

Dear girls, are you in search of a
husband?
This il a bumper, and you are moi
required to say "Yes' out loud, but WI
air expected two throw yure ewes down
onto the erth, as tho va was }ookin fo,
a pin, and reply to the interrogatory
with kind of draulig sigh, as tho VI,
waz eatln oyster, JUICE aud ak of
from the half she'll.
Not few press such theam until it
bekums thorn in the flesh, we will
presume, to avoid arguement) that VII
air on the lookout for something in the
male line tew boost you in the uphill
OF life, aud to keep his eyes on the
breeciin when you begin to go down
on the other side of the mountain.
Let me give you some small chunks
OF advice how few spot ynre futer hus-
band.
!: The man who is jellus of every
little attcnshun which WI Git from sum
other fellow, yu will find after yu are
married tn him, Laws himself more than
he dnz yn, and what you mistook for
solisitude, yu will diskover has chang
ed TO indifference jellusy isn't a heart
disease, but liver complaint.
2. A mustasl is not indispensable it
is only little more hair, and liz a good
deal like moss, and other excrescenses,
often does best on sile that won't raise
anything else. Don't forgit that those
things which yu admire in q fellow be-
fore marriage yu will probably have
tew admire in a husband after. and a
mustasll will git tew be very weak diet
after long time.
3. If husbands could be took on tril,
az Irish cooks are, towthirds of them
would be returned; but there don't
seem to be eny law for this. There
tore, girls, yu will see after yu git Il
man, VA have got tew keep him, even
if We lose on him. Consequently, if w
have got any kold vittles in the house,
try 'cm on him once in a vile, during
securing season, and if he swallers' EN-
well, and SEE he will take some more,
he is 4 man who, when Blue Monday
Gums, will wash well.
4. Don't marry fellow who il al
ways Il telling how hiz mother duz
things. 1t IL as hard tew suit these
men as it is tn wean a yonng one.
5. If young man ken beat yu
playin on the pianner, and kant heer
fish horn playin in the streets with
ont tnrnin a back snmmerest, on ac-
knunt of the music that IL in him, say
ship him; he might anser to tend bade
babe, yu set him to holm yure gard:n,
yu will find that yu have got tew dew
it ynresclf. A man whose whole f,eft
lies in music, (and not very hefty at
that,) amt no better fur Il husband
than seedlitz powder; but if he luvs to
listen white yu sing some gentle bal
Ind, YIN will find him mellow, and no
soft. Bnt don't marry anybody fur
just one virtew emmy quicker than you
would fore a man for one fault.
6. 1t il one OF the most tutfest thing
for female to be an old maid success
fully. A graft many hez tried it, and
maid a bad job of it Every body Looks
on mades just az tina dew upon dried
YARDS !; in the garrett, handy far sick
ness-and therefore, girls. it amt
mistaik that yu shood be willin few
swop yourself oph with some trew fell
Ter fur a husband. The swop " a good
one, but don't swop for eny man who
liz lespeckted Just becaws biz father liz.
4n had better be an old made four
thousand YEAR,, and then join the
Shakers, than to buy repentance at
tlis price. No woman ever made this
trade who didn't git either phool, a
mean cuss, or q clown for a husband.
7. In digging down into this sub
ject | find the digging grows harder
the further git. 1t is much eazier few
inform yu who not to marry than who
tew, foi the reasan there liz more ov
them.
/ don't think you will foller my ad-
vice, if give it, and therefore | will
keep it; for look upon advice as | do
upon caster ile-a mean dose to give
and mean dose to take.
But must say one thing, girls, or
Spite. If you can find a bright-eyed,
healthy, and well ballasted boy
looks upon poveaty as sassy as a child
upon wealth-who had rather sit down
on the curb stun, in front of the Fifth
Avenoo Tavern. and cat ham san
which than to go inside and run in
debt for his dinner an his toothpick-
pluck that mistaiks defeat for victory,
mi advice il to talk him, body and
soul-snare him at onist, for he is a
stray trout ov breed very skase in
our waters. Take him, say, aud bid
onto him as hornets bid onto q tree.