Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-06-15
HUMOROUS Readings,

Nuoeioo taib-tne Cdts.
Prize ring-tbe wedding ring.
open to conviction-s burglar.
a green erocer-one who trusts.
Female gatherings-ladies' rufles.
A relative beauty pretty cousin.
Parental acres-the old mans corns.
Avoid organ swells-thsy put on airs.
Omar Pasha left three acres of discon.
ISOLATE widows.
Why are hogs lie trees2 Because tbev
root for living.
Those who have millions have a right
to put on aires.
A volume that will bring tears to you,
eyes-a volume of smoke.
Connecting links between TIE animal
and the vegetable ngdoms-hash.
If a woman were to change her sex, Of
what religion would she beP A be.
then.
A poetical genius describes ladies' lips
as "the flowing gateway of pork and po.
tstoes."
What does grocer do with all hi.
things before he sells them7 Gives then
a weigh.
Why are birds melancholy in the morn.
ing? Because their little bills are over
dew
When does the rain become too familiar
to lady? When 1t begins to pattsr On
her back.
A musical young lady says that CON.
poser may very properly make oVertures
to anybody.
There j. a led of our acquaintance who
regards hunger and Christening rod ss
about the same thing; both make the boy
boiler.
A western paper has an article on "the
care of idiots." A contemporary says that
paper is always dragging family sfsirs
before the public.
Fl. G.. can demonstrate that reduction
of the duty on iron would involve pecu.
MARY loas, because, you know, you could
never get ten mills to assent.
"Woman ia delusion, madam y ez-
claimed crusty old bachelor TO witty
Young lady. "ADd man is always bug.
ling some delusion or other" was the
quick reply.
"Pa. is Pennsylvania the father of eli
the other states ?" "Certainly not. ny
child; why do you ask that question 2
because, I see all the the newsp' per-
call it Pa"
Envy-Mr. Langkie-I say, look a,
Young Bsrker-he's grown yJair of nut
ton chop wbiskers since he's been To col
Iege. Hairless Friend 49, Mutton.chops
dye say call 'em lamb outlets.
The latest instance of a rose beins
made to smell a. sweet by any othet
name, comes to us from Sidney, o., wherr
a young lady asked at a music store 70
"feline intestines for lyrical purposes"
A good sort of a man WAS recentl
asked to subscribe for chandelier fer III
church. "Now." said he, "whst is the us
of chandelier After you get it yor
can't get any one to play on it.
Two little girls were prattlinR together
and one of them said, I'VE keep four ser
wants. have got six horses, and lots O
carriages-now what have you got I?
With quite as much pride the other sn-
swered, We've got q sknDk under GU
barn"
A rogue was once begging charity on
pretence of being dunb. A lady having
asked him with equal simplicity, how long
he bad been dumb. be was thrown Of BIZ
guard, and replied, From birth, madsm.
Poor fellow" said the lady, and =
gave him shilling.
An old colored washerwomsD, who IT,
to groan over her tubs, found consolidate
, in the hope that she would soon be wbeT
white robes won't need washing, and
poor creature can upset her wash tub ar
dance on the bottom singing glory, huD'
baloo, forever and ever!
martha, my DEAR" said loving boz
z band to bis spouse, who was several ye4,
] his Junior. "whst do you say te moyir
to the far west" Lob, l am delight
with the idea You recollect when "
Morgan moved out there he was rs p
= as we are, and in three years be 81,
, leaving his widow worth a buudr,
o thousand dollars"
= What are you disturbing the who
: house with your yells in this way Tor
n demanded d Saratoga landlord Of gue.
whom be found late at night seeminpl
in active pursuit of invisible toe-, ar
: yelling at the top of biz voice. I'm -
ing the battle-cry of fea-doD-" ".u
y the guest, as he went - an 49, +
b search snd his yells -neao VIII l.
nr;nsIt.- g is told of a rather verd
g 60 -ral laborer, who, having by no,
II "' oy crook scraped together fifty d
lars, took it to his employer, with ,
10 quest to take charge of it for him.
Re year after the lsborer went TO anotb
s. friend to know what would he the int
nt est out il. He was told three dollar
81 well" said he, Il wish you would Ter
me three dollars for 2 cay or two. N
&c boss has been keeping fifty dollars fo- Il
u yea-. ~ want to pay him the in'e
: est for il"
x At one of the railroad stations on AZ
i, Chicago and Northwestern railway, :
IN Gently, an anxious inquirer came up,
the door Of the hsggage-csr, ard said, g
there anything for me ?" After soH
search among boxes and trunks tbs hsl
J. gsge-man rolled out a key of Thisk
n Anything more ?" asked the wet-grooa
lie Yes" said the baggage-maD "tbsres
J. grsve-stone that goes with that liquor
The ceunteusnce of the wet-grocer H
sumed Il wratby appearance, and the {
II door was shut with a slam.
lie PEARLs.-Pearls are found in Ind
4 in Panama, in Scotland, in MANY tres
water streams, but thorough good par
are. Notwithstanding, ver rare. II
1t value of pearl is deteru lined by it, C,
d or and it's shape. 1t me- be either one
a. three f.rms-a perfect snhere. egg.shaue