Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-10-31
Iax2ach for Ha1725O7'SStS.

Nov put me in my little bed"
Las7eczs f07. HsSssOs'Ssts.
In regard to newspapers, young ladies prefer
those which make the most hustle.
81 am receiving my back rations," as the
soldier said when he was logged. for stealing
beef.
A Harrisonburger advised slender friend to
chalk his head aud go to masquerade as bill
lizard cue.
A female barber s'out West has retired
from business on account OF the arrival OF "a
little shaver"
An Illinoisian recently kissed the. hired girl
while his wife was looking. He hopes to be
out again by Christmas.
A Baltimore clereV- Ian recognizes in railroad
accluSuts p the mysterious PROVIDENCE OF
Go W, but the reckless careessness OF man.
Grasshoppers chew tobacco in California, In,
dams eat grasshoppers, bears eat Iuuld n auo
white men eat bears, and, like the grasshopper,
chew tobacco.
An Elmira editor, speaking. Of the marriage
of brother quill, says: Its sad, however,
this parting with old friends One by one tney
drop off and double up"
A widower being asked his opinion of second
marriages, said that as good wife was gilt
from the Lord, it was wise and right 10 repien-
ish as often as the supply gave out.
A victim of Greeley's handwriting says: III
Horace had written that inscription on the wall
in Babylon, Belshazzar would have been good
deal more scared than he was"
A man in Troy left boarding house just be-
cause rat bit off his ear. When people get
to be that particular about trlfes, they ought
to quit boarding and go to keeping house.
John Watson of Atlanta. Ga, undertook
to break young mule. Commencing at the
wrong end, John fell back in good order with
broken leg. No cards, but some oaths.
A Young man of our acquaintance having the
late railroad disasters in his mind, has broken
his engagement with young lady, because she
wears train and is negligent about her switch.
A poor fellow, seeing in the street an old wo-
man who drove some asses, said, "Adleu.
mother of asses.'' ''Adieu, adieu, my son,
answered she. The man felt his ears grow as
he walked along
Henry Ward Beecher says that the most
gratifying circumstance in his life was being
kissed by Kossuth An exchange asks: us
not this little hard on poor Mrs. Beecher?'
It was also hard on Kossuth.
A Pennsylvania ruralist attended fair re-
Gently, and bought large purple egg-plant.,-
plaintively remarked: ''They don't raise no
such Juicy melons now as they did before the
war"
Souabbles, an old bachelor, showed his stock
ings, which he had just darned, to maiden
lady, who contemptuously remarked, Pretty
good for man darner." Whereupon SQUAD
bles rejoined, Eyes, good enough for woman,
darn her"
A man In Kansas was present at the funeral
of neighbor of whom no good could honestly
be said. But everybody was saying something
and this man not wishing to appear singular,
but being incapable of lying eulogy, remark
ed that it was mice quiet corpse
A little four-year-old boy in Mass, who had
been told by his mother what pretty thing II
would be to have brothers and sisters, asked 10
his next evening prayer, that the Lord would
give him sixty brothers and one hundred sis
tiers The mother thought he was asking too
much and did not say amen.
George FL. Calvert asserts in the Golden Age
that Mature choicest product is woman; and
modesty being the interior fount that suffuses
her with bloom, ladyhood, as the consummate
flower, the forescent acme of womanhood
dlstlllalon from Its superlative, draws from this
tount perennial freshness" We node that.
To BE AN EDITOR. Carlton tells of an old
farmer who made his way into the sanctum
with a runt of boy, who, being good for moth
Ing else, the farmer thought he would do for
an editor. Carlton thus tells the story:
The editor sat in his sanctum. and looked the
old man In the eye,
Then glanced at the grinning young hopeful |
and mournfully made this reply:
rs your son an unbound edition of Moses
and Solomon both
Can he compass his spirit With meekness.
and strangle natural oath
Can he leave all his wrongs to the future. and
carry his heart in his cheek?
Can he do an hours work in minute, and
live on slxpence week?
Can he courteously talk to ST. eonol and
browbeat an impudent Ounce
Can ne keep things '", apple-pie order, and
do half a-dozen at "oa2
III; Ian IL n0 pr Us all the springs of knowledge
WY LEX and reliable touch?
and be sure that he knows how much to
know. and knows how to not know too much |
Does he know how to stir up his virtue, and
put check rein on his pride?
Can he carry gentleman manners within
rhinoceros hide.
Can he know all, and do all, and be all, with |
cheerfulness, courage and vim?
If so, we perhaps can be making an editor
outen O. him.
The farmer stood curiousy listening, while
wonder his visage o'erspread;
And he said, Jim, | guess We'll be goin' +;
he's probably out of his head. :"
SIMoN's WEES MoTHER.-A countryman
was in New York on an August Sunday, and
crossed the Brooklyn ferry in the morning for
the purpose of hearing Beecher. But 10! the
Plymouth pulpit was occupied by a stranger
who delivered a tedious, commonplace sermon
from the text: And behold Simon's wife's
mother lay sick Of fever. Mr.. Beecher was
away taking his vacation
In the afternoon the man sought to console
himself for his mornings disappointment by
listening to E. II. Chaplin He was shown to
a front seat by the sexton of Chapin's church
and in due time was Mortified to see the minis
ter of the morning appear in the pulpit. The
poor victim heard, for the second time, the
sermon from the text: And behold Simons
wife's mother lay sick of iever,' and went
out of the sacred place very much discouraged.
Mr. Chaplin was taking his summer vacation.
In the evening the man, thinking to redeem
in a measure the defeat of the day, accepted
choice sitting in the Reformed Dutch church,
for the sake of hearing the genial, eloquent and
scholarly Bethune But his heart quite broke
when the evil spirit that had possessed him all