Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1871-07-19
Cousin Sally billiard.

Scene.-A Court Of Justice in North
Carolina.
A beardIess disciple of Themis rises,
and thus addresses the court:
"May it please your worships, and
you, gentlemen of the jury, since it has
been my fortune (gOOd or bad, 1 will not
say to exercise myself in legal disqui-
sitions, it has never befallen me to be
obliged to prosecute so diretul, marked
and malicious an assault, a more wilful,
violent, dangerous battery, and finally,
a more diabolical breach of the peace
has seldom happened in civilized cOun-
try, and I dare say it has seldom been
your duty to pass upon one so shocking
to benevolent feelings as this, which
took place over at Captain Rice's, in this
county. But you will hear from the
witnesses"
The witnesses being sworn, two or
three were examined and deposed. One
said he heard the noise, but did not see
the fight; another that he had seen the
row, but didn't know who had struck
first; and third that he was very drunk,
and couldn't say much about the
skrimmage.
Lawyer Chops-I am sorry, gentle
men, to have occupied your time with
the stupidity Of the witnesses examin-
ed. 1t arises, gentlemen, altogether
from misapprehension on my part. Had
I known, as 1 now do, that I had a wit
ness in attendance who was well ac-
quainted with all the circumstances,
and who was able to make himself
clearly understood by the court and
jury, I should not so long have trespass-
ed upon your time and patience. Come
forward, Mr. Harris and be sworn.
So, forward comes the witness-a fat,
chuffy old man, 1eetle' corned, and
took his oath with an air.
ChOps-Harris, we wish you to tell
about the riot that happened the other
day at Captain Rice's; and as a GOOD
deal of time has been wasted in circum.
lOcution, we wish you to be compendi
Gus, and at the same time as explicit as
possible.
Enthusiastically giving the lawyer &
knowing wink, and at the same time
clearing his thrOat). Captain Rice, he
gin a treat, and cousin Sally billiard
1 she came over to our house and aXeC
me il my wife and she moutn't 90. ]
told cousin Sally billiard that my wife
war poorly, being as how she had 8
] touch of the rheumatics in the hip, and
/ the big swamp was up, for there haC
been heap of rain lately; but now.
sOmever, as it was she, cousin Sally Dill.
lard my wife she mOut go. Well
then Cousin Sally billiard the1
axed me if Nose he mount
go? told cousin Sally billiard, that he
was foreman of the crap, and the craI
was smartly in the grass; but howsom-
ever, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard
Nose he mout co.
ChOps-In the name of common sense
! Nr. Harris, what do you mean by this
rigamarole?
Witness-Captain Rice he gin treat
and cousin Sally billiard she came over
to our house, and axed me if my wife
she moutn't go? I told cousin Sally
billiard
Chops-StOp, sir, if you please; we
don't want to hear anything about youl
cousin Sally billiard and your wife; tell
US about the fight at Rice's.
Witness-WelI, will sir, if you will
let me.
ChOps-Well sir, go on.
Witness-Well sir, Captain Rice he
gin treat, and cousin Sally billiard
came over to our house, and axed me il
my wife she mOutn't 60
ChOps-There it is again. Witness
please stop.
Witness-Well sir, what do you
want?
ChOps-We want to know about the
fight, and you must not proceed in thi:
imperhnent story. Do you know any
thing about the matter before the court.
Witness-To be sure I do.
Chops-Well, Captain Rice he gin q
treat and
Chops-This is intoIerabIe. May i
please the court, I move that this wit
ness be committed for a contempt; hc
seems to be trifling with the court.
COart-Witness, you are now before {
court of justice, and, unless you behave
yourself in a more becoming manner
you will be sent to Jail. So begin ant
tell what you know about the fight a
Captain Rice's.
Witness (alarmed)-Well gentlemen
Captain Rice gin a treat, and cousiI
Sally billiard she
ChOps-I hope the witness may b.
! ordered into custody.
Court latter deliberating)-Mr. Attor