The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-04-04
Il U M oRoUs MS

a lawyer of witness Il don't know
replied the witness How old are you ?
ReS" "Have you Blasted HopesY"
asked lady of green librarian, whose
face was much swollen by toothache.
"No, ma'am," he replied, "but I've a
blasted toothache."
Bdg~A lady teacher in the Janesville,
| (Wis.) public school, has laid aside her
ferule and adopted the method of kissing
her pupils into obedience. The larger
boys, it is said, are particularly unruly,
and require daily correction.
I6yr" am willing to split hairs with
my opponent all day, if he insists on it,"
said very distinguished lawyer, in
speech at the bar.
"Split that then,, said the opponent
pulling coarse specimen from his head
"May it please the court, did not say
bristles !" retorted the other.
H@y~"NIother don't you wish you had
the root Of all evil in your garden 2"
"Why, Josh you sarpant, what do you
mean-?"
GAS moneys the root of all evil, if we
had the tree couldn't we get all the pre-
cious stuff"
"Dod you, pesky vormint, you're gettin
too smart, entirely; that's what comes Of
sending boys to macadamies."
BSy"An Irishman once entered book
store to purchase lead pencil, and
amused himself by looking over the nu-
merous books that filled the counter
whats that 7" he asked, pointing to
large gilt edged box. "That box contains
Miltons Paradise Lost do you wish to
buy lt?" answered the polite clerk. "No
bedad, don't; if Milton has lost his pair
odiee, why don't you give them back to
him, and not be temptin, innocent boys
like meself to buy lost property Pom
my soul, I'll report ye to the perlice."
JIM's LAMENT.
| met her by the sullar dore,
Her look was cold and sturn,
Her eyes looked daggers into mine,
And mine looked pitchforks into hurn
For we had luved in daze gone by,
Her father sed that might take her;
But alas | for my dreme of welded bliss,
| phO UP diu BOO NiVh 81 uuCSu ohOOindhSl'
No more gurls for me if l knows it;
No more frawds my luv ter win;
In the words of the poick, mot for Joseph
And we might have added, not for Jim
RSg~A dominic at Boston, holding forth
the other morning, among other things
explained to his class, that two negatives
made an affirmative.
Some hours afterwards small boy
asked the pedagogue for days holiday
"No, no!' said the master, curtly.
Thank you, sir" said the petitioner.
"What do you mean ?" was the rejoind-
/" Please, sir,you said this morning that
two negatives made an affirmative?"
"Take your holiday" said the dominic;
nonplussed at this prompt application Of
his rule
aG- Josh Billings on "horns."
g Dinner horns This is the oldest and
the most sakred there IL. 1t IL set to
musk, and plays " Home, Sweet Home"
about noon. 1t will arrest man and
bring him in quicker than a Sheriff's
warrant. 1t kauses the deaf to hear, and
the dumb to shout for joy. Glorious old
instrument long may your lungs last
Whiskey Horns: This horn varies in
length, from three to six inches iz the
favorite size 1t is different from other
horns, being of fluid nature 1t is
really more pugnashus than the rams
horn six inches of it will knock man
perfectly calm"
Bay" A somewhat eccentric lawyer,
being engaged in defending hard case,
and not being altogether pleased with
the ruling of the presiding Judge, re-
marked that he believed the whole court
could be bought with peck of beans.
|, The judge, Of course, took this remark in
high dudgeon, and ordered the lawyer to
I sit down, and demanded of him an apology
, for this contempt of court; threatening
, him with commitment for the offense,
if he did not apologize. The lawyer,
after little reflection, remarked what he
had said was, he believed the court
could be bought with peck of beans !;
: that he said it without reflection, and
wished to take it back. "But," said he,
"if had put it at half bushel, never
would have taken it back in the world"
b1 A gentlemanly conductor was
collecting tickets from his passengers
, All handed over tickets promptly except
: one fat old lady, who sat next the door
T and who seemed to be reaching down as
if to get something she had dropped on
. A. a.. LUbon har time came Ia nav