Oregon Republican. [volume] (Dallas, Or.) 1870-1872, 1871-09-09
Facts and H'amcies.

"A man up In portsmouth, n. Ii.
named his two children Ebenezer and
Flora and always spoke of them as "Eb"
and Flo"
The editor who published ncwspa-
per that made nobody mad has been
dead great many years and he was
a fool, anyway.
Beware Of bilious saloons and bowel
alleys" was the good old Boston laGy's
advice to her son who was just starting
for sinful New York.
A man who can crack joke half
minute after 81 pound weight has
fallen on his toes, may be called excru
ciatinglg funny.
A San Francisco doctor advertised
| for good cat He has already received
! 243 felines, with the southern country
| yet to hear from
The title of Coughs new lecture is
"Will it Pay ?' As he will get $500
night for it for 200 nights next sea
son, it is fair to presume that it VtA.
A western editor accuses contemporary
of f"dirty meanness, and frankly adds
We want him to undstand that two
can play at that game"
The Lowell Mass. Courier saws the
most bumiliating domestic use full
grown man can be put to is to be sent
to the Bakers for /" a cents worth of
yeast"
Many families, says the New York
NAL, who reside in elegant stone
fronts, and appear very wealthy, after
marrying off their daughters, move into
a smaller dwelling, in a less fashionable
locality.
|. N. Burroughs, of Charlestown,
Mass, has a cat with two heads, two
tails and eight legs. At Brigham
Young's theatre, and other places
where produce and animals are used as
currency, Mr.. Burroughs creature
would pass for ducat
A New Jersey editor announces the
death Of his uncle In Australia, leaving
him a gold mine and 100000 His |
village cotemporary processes TO regard |
the matter as plan cunningly devised |
to obtain credit for box OF paper coll
lars and straw hat
4 lady writes to know if it Is proper
that is, If it is lady ike@to retaliate
by squeezing back when man squrez,
es her hand. Mr.. Editor answers
"Well you might squeeze easy, just
enough to let him know that you are
not disposed to be mean about it, But
don't turn round and ask him How is
that for high 2 or he might think you
too forward"
Figure of speech for the centenary
oration-There stands Columbia with
one foot on the Pacific, the other on
Atlantic, and the other on the Gulf of
Mexico, girt with the great golden gir-
die of the Comstock vein, with Niagara
for waterfall, and the American eagle
acting as a bird Of Paradise in her star
spang'ed hair.
Prohlem-to get the lady comfortably
out Of that
\ Mobile paper halls the new depart.
urc in this lugubriously joyful strain
it is Northern all over. 1t Is redolent
of the victor spirit 1t is the harvesting
of the war results. 1t is the readjustiDg
of the Captive's fetters 1t is the com
pressing of thirty seven stars into one
1t is the throwing away of masks, the
ending of lies and shams and the man
fuI avowal Of the truth The Republic
is buried out of sight. The empire
swings off on its giant course, and us it
rises TO its power and spIendor, we dof
our hats and rattle our chains"
AS to waltzing there is no doubt
at all about its being pleasant. The
lies in executing tie maneu. !
yer. The mode of execution adopted by
one party at least, is perfectly simple,
and may be practiced with impunity by
anyone.
"How is it," said one swell, who
could never please the damsels, to an- I
other, who was immensely popular
chow is it that all the women want to
waltz with you, and say that no one can ]
waltz SO well |? How do you manage I
it ?"
To which the swell replied. i" Why
my dear fellow, I just hoM them and let ,, ,
them kick !" t
A certain Justice of the peace once r
had dog case, in which the ownership t
of the canine was in dispute. The
evidence was conflicting and the justice
became confused.
''Stop p said he, "stop right there.
Well settle this matter very shortly.
You Mr. Clerk hold on to the dog. You /
Mr. Plaintiff. go out into the far corn
er of the room out there. You Mr..
come intn this cnrnnr hnrn