South-eastern Independent. (McConnelsville, Ohio) 1871-1871, 1871-05-12
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
THE BEST BREAD SoURcE-Work.
DEAD BEATs-Extinct drummers.

THE BEST BREAD SoURcE-Work.
DEAD BEATs-Extinct drummers.
THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR SILVER
Gold.
A MINISTER OF THE ExTERIoR-The
tailor.
A CONSTANT -GLEANER-The tax-gath-
erer.
To rob a man of his money is to wound
him in the chest.
THE man who sat on paper of tacks
said they reminded him of an income tax.
THEY are talking in California of build
ing $2,OO0,0OO ship canal by the aid of
lottery.
CoNsIsTENcY-Asking blessing before
eating, and abusing the victuals through
the entire meal
A WISE man advertises extensively, be-
cause he believes that many columns fur
nisA good support.
A QUAINT old Scotch proverb runs thus:
An ounce of mother is worth pound of
clergy" ...-..
THE policies of the Mutual Life Insur-
ance Company, of Chicago, are not loaded
with unjust restrictions.
"RARER than the Phenix," says De
Quincy, "is the virtuous man who will
consent to lose good anecdote because it
is lie."
If you were to die to-day, would you
Lave your family independent of charity!
Insure in the Washington Life Insurance
Company, of New York.
A BREWER. who was a director in
penny savings bank, remarked, as the de-
posts were added up at the end of the
year: "Well, this represents thirty thou
sand pints of beer not drunk"
An Irishman meeting another, asked
him what had become of mutual friend.
" Arrah, now, my dear honey" answered
he, Paddy was condemned to be hanged,
but saved his life by dying in prison"
THE following is an epitaph on the
death of young lady engaged to be mar
ried:
1.-THE wedding-day appointed was,
And wedding-dres provided;
But ere the wedding-day arrived
She sickened and she die did"
THE head of q Vermont railroad shop
was applied to for permission to work on
Fast Day bya couple of men who were
noted for their laZiness. Permission was
given, "for," said the chief, "you can't
either of you work hard enough to break
the day"
A sHowN1AN in the State of Maine
wanted to exhibit an Egyptian mummy,
and attended at the court t-house to obtain
permission. "What is it you want to
showS" inquired the judge. An Egyp-
tian mummy more than three thousand
wears old" said the Snowman. "Three
thousand years old ~. exclaimed the judge,
jumping to his feet; and is the critter
alivef"
"MARTHA, mydear," said loving hus
band to his spouse, who was several years
his Junior, "what do you say to moving to
the Far Westg" "Oh, am delighted
with the ideal You recollect when MIR.
Morgan moved out there he was as poor as
we are; and in three years he died, leav-
ing his widow worth 100000"
A CURIOUS movement of the magnetic
needle was noticed by an observer In
Italy during the eclipse of the sun in De-
cember last. The needle followed its
usual course until the beginning of the
eclipse. 1t then retraced its steps till the
instant of totality, and Immediately at
terWard began to move westward until 1t
md reyrin1tI the exact position it occupied
when the eclipse commenced
THAT was a very happy unconscious
pun which Professor c., of Rochester
University, perpetrated in his class room
the other day. He had been dilating to
some extent on the character and career OF
Lylwarch Hen, the Norwegian poet, and
wishing to illustrate the authors style, he
remarked: al will read you one of his
laws" A slight smile came over the faces
of few students at this, which gradually
spread, until the whole class was in tu-
multi of laughter before the Professor saw
his joke.
A PHYSICIAN of Newburyport, Mass,
as we learn from the Herald of that city,
wished last autumn to read German
work in which a new theory of disease is
developed. The book had never been
translated, and he knew no word OF Ger
man; but since November he has learned
the Language so as to translate the book,
which is somewhat remarkable, as works
of science are the most difficult reading to |
one unfamiliar with the language In which |
they are written. Few men OF sixty |
would undertake such task.
NOVEL PRENIUM-A furrier in Port |
land. Oregon, offers a premium of hun
dred dollar set of furs, to be awarded by |
competent committee at the next Oregon |
State Fair, to the lady who will exhibit |
the best three loaves of bread, to be made
at three consecutive bakings, not less than
one week apart, with receipt for making, |
in her own handwriting; and also will
state upon honor that her father, husband,
or brother has not complained of missing
buttons on Sabbath mornings for the past
wear: and who shall be able to play "Old
" and Yankee Doodle" on the
piano or organ, thus combining the useful
and ornamental.
DIR. THOMAS HUME, an English physi-
clan. walked to the Office of one OF the
morning newspapers, and silently placed
upon the counter the announcement OF the
death of some friend, together with five
shillings, the usual charge for the lnser-
tion of such advertisements. The clerk
glanced at the paper, tossed it on one side
and said grufiy, "Seven and SIX"
nave frequently" replied Hume, "had
occasion to publish these simple notices,
and / have never before been charged
more than five shilliugs" "Simple," re-
Deated the clerk, without looking up, 'he,s
saiuersalu bel0red and deeply regretted!
Seven and ski" Hume produced the ad-
litional half crown, and laid it deliberate
v by the others, observing, as he did SO,
with the same solemnity of tone he had
1sed throughout, Congratulate yourself,
,ir. that this is an expense which your
executors will never be put to"
. cIoothov,y FirSf love Letter.