The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1871-01-19
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vat ana -H2t77aOT.
What is the difference between locker on
at an auction mart and mariner? One sees
sale, and the other sails the sea.
The Ruling Passion,-A great fuancialre-
former is SO devoted to figures that when he
has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.
An old card playing dame, when rebuked
for her waste Of time, replied, "Ah, true. there
is deal Of time lost in shutting the cards -
If Uncle Sambo were to buy coored cot
ton dress for his wife, Aunt Sally, why would
it be like street door? Because it would
be Intended for an cgress.
A repentaut but very old bachelor seeing
the words Families supplied" over the door
Of shop, stepped in and said he would take
wife and two children.
The Scholar as Acute as his Master-"Now,
then, tust boy in 'rithmetc, how many white
beans are there in ten black ones?" "Ten,
sir, if you skin en-" was the reply.
student at veterinary college being
asked, off broken winded horse were
brought to you 10 cure, what would you ad
wise 2" promptly replied, to sell him as soon
as possible
An impertinent young fellow offered to bet
the teacher Of young ladies grammar school,
who was boasting Of the proficiency of his
pupils, that not one of them would decline"
the noun husband.
Old Elves, the miser, having listened to a
very eloquent discourse on charity remarked ::
Thotco
of almsgiving, that I've almost a mind to
beg!'
Real Economy.-A north countryman on
being told thata certain kind of stove would
':save half the coal, said, "Then III take
two of them, and save it ail'>
''Ah, it is impossible that you are still
alive?" said fellow, on meeting unexpected
ly one Of whom he had grossly injured, eyes,
and kicking" replied the other, suiting the
action to the word"
Curran was asked one day what an Irish
gentleman, just arrived in England, could
mean by perpetuaIly putting out his tongue
~ suppose" replied Curran, che is trying to
catch the English accent"
The old story of the lazy school boy who
spelled Cru Jaxn, has been overshadowed by
genius out West who wished to mark half
dozen new shirts-he marked the first John
Jones, and all the rest ditto.
John Philip Kembe, while performing one
evening, was interrupted by baby crying,
and in nervous excitement came forward to
the footlights, and said, Ladies' and gentle
men, if the tragedy does not stop, the baby
can't 60 on"
In order to get an enemy, lend man a
small sum of money for day. Call upon
him in week for it. Wait two months. In
three months insist upon his paying you. He
will get angry, denouncc you, and ever after
speak of you in abusive terms.
"Cufee, what do 20 tink de NOSE useful oh
de plannets-de sun or de moon ?" "Well,
Sambo, tink de moon orter take de fust rank
in dat ar tickler" "Why YOU tink SO, Cuff
?" "Well, tell you; kase she shines at
night, when we want light, and de sun shines
by day when We don't!'
A man stopped at a hotel at Pixies Peak,
and on settling his bill the landlord charged
him 81 day for five days Didn't you make
mistake p said the guest. NO. said the
landlord. You did" retorted the ry-look-
ing fellow: "you thought you got all the mou-
ey had, but you are mistaken [ have a
whole purse full in another pocket"
They have introduced interviewing at Mont
gomery, and bid fair to make up in adven-
ture for what they lack of New York in brass.
The Aduertiser says:
We hear the mournful story Of an irrepres-
sible "boy local" waking up groom at late
hour on his bridal night, and bringing him
shivering and teeth chatterng out to the room
door in order to tell who married him.