The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
IN W.. IUIIITTT-r7
Il U M 0 Ro US IT E MS


BSy- An old lady in Georgia who saw a
locomotive for the first time recently,
looked at it curiously for while, and
then, as it came putting along, inquired
anxiously what pushed the darned thing
along"
Bay" Where was T. ma," said little
urchin to his mother, as he stood gazing
at his drunken and prostrate father
"where was l when you married pa?
Why didn't you take me along? l could
have picked out better man than he is"
Bss~ In a squires office, the other day,
an attorney was examing a surety touch
ing his qualifications as bondsman. "You
have property, you say?" "Y Yes" "Did
your wife bring you anything" Yes"
"What ?" "Three children sir"
DSg~ A gentleman in Chicago, who was
arrested for cruelty to miserable horse,
was asked if he ever fed him Ever fed
him? That's a good un," was the reply.
He's got bushel and half of oats at
home now, only he amt got time to eat
'em !"
5ey" Is it wrong for me to use rouge ?"
asked a homely spinster of her clergy
man. What do you use it for ?" "To
-to-make me handsome" Well mad
am, guess it will do no harm for you to
use rouge, for you are homely enough
even with it,"
EGg~ The writer of an obituary notice
of an estimable lady said that the be-
reaved husband was hardly able to bear
the demise of his wife. Imagine his
disgust on reading in print that the be-
reaveds husband was hardly able to wear
the chemise Of his wife.
Be7gn A noble lord asked a clergyman
once at the bottom Of his table, "why
the goose, if there was one, was always
placed next the parson. Really" re-
piled the clergyman, "I can give no rea-
son for it; but your question is so odd
that shall never see a goose again with
out thinking of your lordship."
Ba5~ Mrs. H., a young mother, was ex-
hibiting with considerable pride to num-
Der of admiring friends her first baby
Finally approaching little Dan, boy of
five years, the happy parent said, "Dan,
is not this dear little baby" Dan hes
itated a moment, turned up his eyes, and
answered, 4" Yes, but it's bald-headed."
gss" An old topper who had attended
a scientific lecture, where the learned pro-
fessor caused several explosions to take
place from the gases produced by water,
said: You don't catch me putting wa
ter in my liquor after this. | had no
idea before that water was so dangerous,
though l never liked to take too much
of it,"
Day~ A romantic genius seeing a hand
some girl passing along the street, the
other day, went home and penned this
poetical gushing of his palpitating heart:
"Pve seen her out walking, with hat
bound round with blue, and it amt no
use in talking, she's pumpkins and few.
She glides along in beauty, like duck
upon the lake; oh, I'd be all love and du-
ty, if I only was her drake"
B6y- After a loud preface of go, yes"
pronounced most audibly three times in
the High Street, at New Market, the late
Lord Barrymore, having collected num-
ber of persons together, made the follow
ing proposal to the gapers !" Who wants
a horse that can walk five miles an hour,
trot eighteen, and gallop twepty?" "I
do" said gentleman, with manifest ear
nestness. "Then," replied Lord Barry
more, "if + see any such animal to Be
sold, will besure to let you know"
Bag- Recently, in one of the North
Carolina courts, the grand jury, as is
now usually the case, was composed part
ly of negroes. After being charged"
in the usual way by his honor, the jury
retired to their room, when one of the
white jurors ventured to ask a colored
associate if he understood the charge of
the Judge. 0"Golly," exclaimed the as
tonished amendment, "he don't charge
us muffin for dat, does he? / thought
we was gwine to get pay3"Sb y4i y A-sI
Dag-" Martha, dost thou love me 2"
asked a Qua ker youth Of one at whose
shrine his fondest hearts feelings had
been offered up ioWhy, Seth, we are
commanded to love one another, are we
notW she answered. i'" All Martha, but
dost thou regard me with that feeling
which the world calls love ?" | hardly
know what TO tell thee, Seth. II have
tried to bestow my love upon all; but 1