Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1871-09-21
Mistellaneons.
A MODEL LOVE LETTER.

One of those peculiarly interesting cases
"a suit for breach of promise-was re-
Gently tried before the Buffalo Courts.
From the evidence it appears that the par
ties both live in or near Onondaga, and
that the defendant had been a frequent
visitor for about two years and half at
the house OF the plaintiff widow nearly
80 years of age, with three children. It
seems to have been the opinion of the
friends of the plaintiff-and no doubt she
thought so herself-that the defendant
would marry her; but he, from some un-
accountable cause, a few months ago sud-
denly discovered that he loved another
young lady better, and verified this belief
short time since by marrying that other
lady. The following tender epistle, sent
by the loving swain, we recommend as a
model love letter.
My DEAR M:-Every time think of
you my heart tlops up and down like a
churn- dasher. Sensations of unutlerable
joy caper over it like young goats on
stable roof, and thrill through it like Span
ish needles through a pair of tow linen
trousers. As a gosling swimmeth in a
mud puddle, SO swim in a sea of glory.
Visions of ecstatic rapture thicker than the
hairs of blacking brush, and brighter
than the eyes of humming birds pinions
visit me in my slumbers, aud, borne on
their invisible wings your image stands be-
fore me, and | reach out to grasp it, like
a pointer swapping at blue bottle fly
When first beheld your angelic perfec-
tions | was bewildered, and my brain
whirled around like a humble bee under a
glass tumbler My eyes stood open like
the cellar doors in country town. and l
lifted up my ears to catch the silverv ac-
cents of your notes. NV tongue refused
to wag, and in silent alteration drank in
the sweet infection of love as thirsty
man swalloweth a tumbler of hot whiskey
punch. Since the light of your face fell
on my life | sometimes feel as if l could
lift myself up by my boot-straps to the top
of the church steeple and pull the bell rope
for singing school.
Day and night you are in my thoughts.
When Aurora, biushing like bride, rises
from her saffron colored couch, when the
lay bird pipes his tuneful lay in the apple
trees by the spring house; when the
chanticleer's shrill clarion heralds the
coming morn; when the awakening pig
arises from his bed and grunteth, and
goeth for his morning refreshments when
the drowsy beetle wheels its droning flight
at sultry noon-tide; and when the lowing
herds come home at milking time, think
of thee; and like piece of gum elastic,
my heart seems stretched across my bosom.
Your hair is like the name on a sorrel horse
powdered with gold; and the brass pins
skewed through your waterfall fill me
with unbounded awe. Your forehead is
smoother than the elbow of an old coat.
Your eyes are glorious to behold. In their
liquid depths | see legions of little cupids
bathing like a cohort of ants in an old
army cracker. When their fire hit upon
my breast, it penetrated my whole anato-
my as a load of bird shot through rotten
apple. Your nose is from chunk of Pa
rian marble, and your mouth is puckered
with sweetness. Nectar fingers on your
lips like honey on bears paw; and myr-
lads of unfledged kisses are there ready
to fly out and light somewhere, like blue
birds out of their parents nest. Your
laugh rings in my ears like the wind harp's
strain, or the bleat of the stray lamb on
the bleak hillside. The dimples on your
cheeks are like bowers in beds of roses or
hollows in cakes Of homemade sugar. l
am dying to fly to thy presence, and pour
out the burning eloquence OF love as
thrifty housewives pour out hot coffee.
Away from You am as melancholy as
sick rat Sometimes can hear the June
bugs of despondency buzzing in my ears,
and feel the cool lizard of despair crawl
ing down my back. Uncouth fears. like a
thousand minnows, nibble at my spirits;
and my soul is pierced with doubts like an
old cheese is bored with shippers.
My love is stronger than the smell of Cof-
fey s patent butter, or the kick OF young
COW, and more unselfish than kittens
first caterwaul. As song bird bankers
for the light of day, the cautious mouse
for the fresh bacon in the trap, as a mean
pup bankers for new milk, so long for
thee. You are fairer than a speckled pull
let, sweeter than Yankee doughnut fried
in sorghum molasses, brighter than top
not plumage on the head of muscovy
duck. II these few remarks will enable
you to see the inside of my soul, and me
to win your affection, l shall be as happy
as woodpecker on a cherry tree, or
broken down stage horse in green pas
ture If you cannot reciprocate my thrill
ing passion, will pine away like pois-
oned bedbug, and fall away from -four
ishing vine of life. and untimely branch;
and in coming years, when the shadows
grow from the hills, and the philosophical
frog sings his cheerful evening hymns,
you, happy in another's love, can come
and drop tear and catch a cold upon the
last resting place of
Yours affectionately, H.
1t may interest our readers to know that
the jury returned verdict for the plaintiff
with $500 damages.