Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-11-10
HunOr,


HumOr,
Permanent head quarters--the shoulders
II you break your arms, don't use gin
sling.
Sure way to turn peoples heads Go late
to church.
The sword, like beer, does no harm till
it is drawn.
What grows bigger the more you con-
tract it? Debt.
Impudent peoples noses, like dinner bell,
were made to be wrung.
The more rapidly whiskey goes down, the
more it goes up-in price.
The motto Of the inebriate-to drink is
human, to get drunk divine.
A young lady translates the G. O. D. on
express packages into Call on Dad.
A lovely mode of reasoning. Man and
woman putting their heads together.
Why is fair haired doll like jelley 3
Because it's made With eyes in glass
Two women are partners in the law bust
ness in Kansas They are sisters-in-law
A bad marriage is like an electric ma
chine; it makes you dance. but you can't
let it 60.
Why is shoeblack like clever school
master? Because he polishes the under
standings
Put money in thy purse, as the pick
pocket said when he robbed man of an
empty one.
There is man out West who is so law
shat be has applied for a position as rail-
road sleeper.
New Arithmeic-'How long shall you
be gone in your vacation Ned ooh, about
three shirts time.'
A Pittsburg young man took matrimony
and smallpox at the same time. The
honeymoon wasn't success.
1t is sweet to have friends you can trust,
and convenient sometimes to have friends
who are not afraid to trust you
Fun, commenting on the proverb,
Peace hath her Victories says, Just SO
more fall in love than in war
Never mix your drinks is held to be
good rule with topers, and is not at all
bad one for milkmen to observe.
Persons should always dress to suit their
figure. A hump.backed lady, for instance,
should wear camel's hair shawl.
An Indiana preacher evolved a terribly
persuasive and personal sermon from the
text, You know how it is YOURSELF
Why is a pigs tail like earving-knife
asked one yodngster of another, Because
it is fourished over a ham, was the reply.
The use of fasting as religious observ.
ance probably lies in this-that it gives one
a realizing sense of the emptiness of things
below
Figures. 1t is said that the reason why
clerks stare SO much at pretty women is be-
cause their business requires them to have
an eye to figures
Ha,per's Weekly thinks the President
ought not to stay in Washington through
the summer months Most people think he
onght not to be there at all.
1t is said that Grant was exposed to the
small pox at Pittsburgh If he had thought
it would be worth two dollars and kalf to
him, he would have taken it.
Stopped on the way-A mistress, who
had sent her servant-maid to chapel had |
reason to fear that inst cad of going all the
way there, she had stopped with the chap
Henry ", of France, being told by his
gardner that there were several spots at
Fountainebleau in which no vegetable
would grow, requested him to transp plant
bed Of attorneys, for they would flourish |
anywhere. ...ss. -. a.s. d
A quarrelsome couple were discussing the
subject of epitaphs and tombstones, and the |
husband said, My dear. what kind of "a stone
do you suppose they will give me wLeo I
die ? Birthstone, my love !" was the affec-
tionate reply
An Irishman writing from Philadelphia
the other day to his friend in the old coun.
try, concluded his letter thus: If liver it's |
me for chuue to live till I dy-aud God
nose whether it is so or not-Ill visit ould
Ireland afore l lave Philamedelphy.'
1t is related of a member of the Boston
bar that once meeting in the dog-days the
ssstimable son of father of rather equivo-
cal reputation, in an absent minded moment
he amazed him by inqpiring how the old
gentleman stood the heat. The old gentle
man had been dead two months.
A blushing damsel had man and dog
up before the police court to answer the
charge Of assault and battery on the dogs
part When asked what the dog did. she /
said it bit her When asked where. after
considerable hesitation and blushing, she re.
Piled - On the left drum stick r..
One exceedingly warm day in June
neighbor met an old man and remarked that
it was very hot.
Yes said Joe, If ii wasn't for one |
thing Id think we were going to have a
fhaw' sae
.Mhat's that 2 inquired the friend.
There is nothing froze,' said joe.
4 NOBEL Dissolution. nronr;etors
of the Amendment Saloon in Pittshuro
dissolved partnership few days since. and |
tackled the following notice on their door:
Dissolution