The Andrew County Republican. [volume] (Savannah, Mo.) 1871-1876, 1871-11-22
HUMOROUS.

hull"
The two Ueclarati0ns.-The DeclaratiOI
Of Independence. whereby we gained on
liberty, and the Declaration Of Love, where
by we lost 1t.
sit Is very curious" said an old gentle
man to his friend, "that a watch shcui}
be perfectly dry when it has q running
spring inside"
An eccentric clergyman lately said In on
of his sermons, that ''about the c0mmOnea
proof we have that man Is made of claj
is the brick 80 often found In his hal"
Punch knows q man so keen In monej
matters that he positively refused to con
clude the purchase Of a house for 900 year
because he could not have the odd yea
thrown in.
A boy IN Iowa has a silver quarter stuc
i'm his throat. where it has been for thre
out, but he can't do it, and the only hope
that circus will 60 that way soon.
We venture to suggest q simple plan fo
the reformation of the habitual tippleI
without depriying him of his liberty: Le
him. wherever he takes his walk abroad
be conspicuously labelled, ito be KEEP
dry"
Somebody once asked Tom COrwin if h
had heard a certain story of Louis D. Camp
bell's. "Was it about himselfT' inquire
Mr.. Corwin. "No. believe not " ''Well
then, l never heard it" said Mr.. COrwir
gravely.
4 gentleman was describing to D0ugla
JerrOld the story of his cOurtship and mad
riage-how his wife had been brought up
a convent, and was on the point of takin
the veil when his presence burst upon he
enraptured sight, and she accepted him
L TO te,o ~
the story, and he quietly remarked. Sh
simply thought you better than num-"
s.What's the matter, Uncle jerry" sal
by, growing most furiously. " Matter,
said the old man, stopping short; "wh
I've been Juggling water all the morning fa
DR., C..s wife to wash with, and what d.
s'pose got forit?'' Why, suppose abou
ten cents" answered Jones. "Ten cents
She told me the doctor would pull toot
for me some time"
HAD HIS PAY AS He WENT ALONG.-
Partisan newspaper relates that at receI
meeting of the society for the prevention q
cruelty to animals, a countryman arme
with an immense club presented himself am
demanded the first prize. He was asked
describe the act of humanity on which
founded his claim. 81 saved the life of
easily have killed him with this bludgeon,
and he swung his weapon in the air, to II
intense discomfort of the president. 81 Bt
where was the woli:' inquiries the latter
| '.what has he done to yOu?' "He has ju4
devOured nv wife," WAS the reply. T5
president II llected an instant, and then said
:.My friend. | am of the opinion that yJ
haye been sufficiently re Harded.'
The drill inspector in an English rssl
ment-ona of the old stamp of martinez Sc
geant'-yho was the terror Of every recru
and the remor:e,ess tyrant of the awhwar
squad, was putting firing party thrOug
the funeral exercise. Having opened I'll
ranks so a. to admit the passage OF the SUI
posed carriage tcsween them, the instruct
ordered them to "rest on their arms n
versed." Then. by way of practical e
planatio1, he walked slowly down the laI
formed by the two ranks, saying as
moved: "Now, am the corpse! Pay y
tention." Having reached the end of III
party he turned around and regarded the
steadily with scrutiniling eye for m{
, ment or two, and then remarked, in me
solemn tone of voice: Your 'snlS Is righ
and your 'eids il right; but You 'aven'l 60
the look of regret that you ougli3to ave
Here is what one, who went to Salt Lal
10 see what he could see" says of what
di : see: MANY Mormon wives are sister
and il is said they get along quite harmo1
iousiy. The very nature OF women seem
be changed here, and turned upside dow
AMI inside out. An intelligent first wife
told Gentle neighbOr that the only wlcke
feeling that she had about her husband ia
irg second wife was that he dd not tai
her sister. who want,d him, or rather
share In him. She would like TO have Il
property kept ia the family, l saw, Il
other dav, a pair of Young wives, sister
walking hand in-hard dressed alike in eyer
particular. of the same hight and compile
ion, ani OF the same apparent age-lndeed
looking SO much alike that Il was almost
case of mitigatsd bigamy. 1t must see
queer, even TO them. 10 say " our husband
as they used TO say "our piano OF 20
pony
Two memters OF the West Virginia leg
Iature lately took a sleeping car at Cratic
| The cars were crowded. and the two had
| sleep togethe-. Ore was fat; the Other
lean. The fat man snOred, and the lean
had to lay awake. At about midnight the
somnic legislator could Eo longer stand
stentorian breathing OF his mate, and
arose and sat by the lire. An old lady
| tered and wanted place to sleep. "Go
nv BERTH said the sardOnic lean one:
lett nv little boy there asleep. | shall
up mvself. | must think of iegislati
matters" So the cid lady went to the bert
disposed of her garments and laid dow
| Presently the boy kicked. Then the La
patted him on the back, and said, !" lie ST.
sonney; pa said might sleep along WI
YOU" "Oh, NO." roared the bison-a bi
no more, but bison; Thunder who
YOU? amt boy-Tm q member OF
West Virginia legislature" the lady TN
| went into q swoon; nor could she be ar0t
| ed until the tat man had promised her ID
he would have the lean one impeached.
THE LAWYERS SUBsTIrUTE.-lnl 1865 a
man rushed into the office of we'll know
New Hampshire lawyer, and told him
was drafted.
sThe deuce YOU are" said the lawyer.
must be a strong man that could draft m
of your size.
ME off. will pay you we'll for II"
"Vcry we'll :" and they proceeded to
office of the Provost Marshal.
Here, "sa;d the lawyer, I've got yo'
"He won't do" said the Marshal. "H
too tat and wheeZy; he can't march,"
"Can not you take him just tfor me-" S
the lawyer.
mo" said the Marshal, it's 10 use
don't want him."
This was just what the lawyer wanted
lie won't Go, eh:"
"No. he WON'T" said the Marshal:
swell. then. scratch his name OIL the
for he is drafted, and came here win me
be exempted"
The Marshal saw they had proved to, mu
for him, and without another word ordei