Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-05-12
gnut1l fur 3junlorisTs,

"Ihe wiie's secret '-Ier opinion
of her husband.
The soundcst policy Sounds of
industryn =
Hanging matters = Necktie socia-
bles.
The best Of friends must part
their hair.
\ sad dog''-One Yho-tarries
long at the whine. |
The man of infinite jest - TIE
man who laughs misfortune to scorp.
Hard to prove-Tllat one man is as
rood as another, and in all respects a
great deal better.
Solomon's wisdom is said to be due
10 the fact chat he had seven hundred
wives, whom he consulted on ali oc-
casions.
4 shrill old lady in Scott County, |
whenever she loses her scissors, rOuses
the family with, Where them shears
appeared to?''
4 little Buffalo girl wants to know
K feas- are white. because her uncle
told her that MARY had little lamb
with Geas as white as snow" -st 30
The following toast was read at a
medical banquet not long since: The
ladies'. Ged bless them, arc the only
cure for the paIpitaticn of the heart.
An exchange tells of negro who
Insisted that his race was mentioned
in the Bible. lie said he had heard
the preacher read about how Niger
/ nemus wanted to be born again"
WHATS the matter, mammal"
! "Toothache, dearest" "Oh. dear!
What tooth is it?' '-Wisdom tooth. "
Wisdom tooth! All! | suppose
that's the dreadful tooth that knows
all about the French irregHlar verbs "
wife. do YOU know that [ have
got the pncumoniaY' New mCnia,
indeed! Such extravaganza! You're
the spcndthrltest man | ever did see.
to 90 and lay out money for such
trash, when l do need rev bonnet
so much -
Somebody adrertises for agents to
sell work entitled ''Hymeneal In
structor." 4 contemporary adds {:
The best hymeneal Instructor we
know of is a young widow. What
she don know there is no use in learn
ing"
Love induced Texas girl to poison
her father the other day because he
refused to permit her to marry the
man Of her choice, \ stomach-pump
saved the old man, and an elOpement
saved the girl.
Miss Fowler, a sister of the phre-
nologist, makes So 900 a year by
physicing thopeople of Grange, n. j.
About fifty adventurous bachelors are
manifesting symptoms of willingness
to become the marital possessors of
that very profitable orange blossom.
A little girl who loves to pray, one
night was very tired and sleepy. and
was going into her little bed without
saying her prayers But her mamma
told her to kneel down first to pray.
So she folded her little hands and
said: "Please God, remember what
little Polly said last night, she's so
tired tonight. Amen"
A studiouS writer Classics blondes
as follows: "The Gothic-Irish the
SaXon-English, the little ridiculous
| blonde, the cephalic blonde. and the
/ Emphatic blonde. OF these the
cephalic gold individuals are most
dangerous to masculine peace Of
mind.
A witty Clergyman. accosted by en-
old acquaintance by the name Of Cobb.
replied Il don't know You sir
MY name is Cobb" reioined the
man. who was about half seas over.
"Ah, sir" replied the clergyman.
''you have so much of the corn on
you that | did not see the cob -
An old lady recently IN a court be-
fore which she was brought as a wit
ness, when asked to take off her bon
net, obstinately refused to do so. say
ing: There's no law compelling
woman to take offh her bonnet" cob"
imprudcntlv replied one of the Judges. |
You know the law, do you? Perhaps
you wotld like to come up and sit
here. and teach us?' '.NO, thank |
you, SIR said the woman, tartly. |
there are cid women enough there
now"