The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1871-01-27
JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTELS.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, bou

tEeut, duQ tue Dacnetofs u ufesiue.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum
on the Europeani plan, and menny ov
them on no plan at all. ss9
A good laulord liz like good step
mother, he knows hiz bizness and means
to do his duty. sssf
He knows how to rub his hands with
Joy when traveller draws nigh, he
knows how to smile, he knows yure wife's
father when he waz living, and yure
wife's first husband, but he don't speak
about him =. 80 ad
He, kan tell whether it will rain to. NOR
row or not; he hears yure complaints
with tear in his eye, he blows up the
servants at yure suggestion, aud stands
around reddy with shirt collar as stiff as
broken china.
A man may be good Supream Court
Judge, aud at the same time be misera-
bic landlord.
Most everybody thinks he kan keep n
hotel, (and they kan), but this ackounts
+, for the great number of hotels that are
kept on the same principle that q Justiss
ov the Peace offiss IL kept up in country
during a six days jury trial for killing
sumboddy's yello dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself and keep the
landlard too, and ever kure the traveller
from the habit ov profane swearing.
hay had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me
swear wuss.
IL IL to often the case that landlurds
20 into the Dizziness ov hash as ministers
go into the professhun, with the very best
ov motives, but the poorest kind ov pros
poets. vg-re
| don't know ov any Dizziness more
fattersum than the tavern Dizziness
There don't seem to be anything to do
but to stand in front ov the register with
guests enter the house, then yank bell
rope six or seven times, aud then tell
John to sho the gentlemen to go, and
then take four dollars and fifty cents next
morning from the poor feHer and let him
went. 4 Ella - Ill
This seems to be the whole thing (and
it is the whole thing in most cases.
Yu will diskoyer the following descrip-
shun, mild one, ov about hotels out of
10 between the Atlantick and Pacifck
Oshuns akrost the United States in q
straight line:
You're room is Is foot 6 inches, by 8
foot inches parallelogramly.
1t being court week (es usua) all the
good rooms are employed By the lawyers
and judges.
Your room is on the uttermost floor.
The carpet is ingran-ingrained with
dust, kerosene lie and inkspois Of gen
erashuns.
There il two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto; one ov them broke oph
and the other missing.
The buro has three legs and one brick.
The glass te the buro. swings on two
pivots which have lost their grip.
Thare IL one towel on the rack thin but
wet. The rainwater in the pitcher cum
out ov the well.
The soap iz az tufi to wear az a, ,whet-
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie,
and variegated with spots.
Thare is three chairs, cane sectors, one
IL rocker, aud all three is busted.
Thare IL match box, empty.
Thare IL DO kurtin TO the window, and
thare don'tWant to be any.
The beltrope liz cum oph about six in
ches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL a modern slat bottom, with
two mattresses, one cotton, and one husk,
and both harder, and about az thick az a
sea biscuit %
Yu enter the bed side ways and kan
feel every slas at once, as easy az you
could the ribs of grid iron.
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep some but roll over good
deal.
For breakfast you have gong, and
rhy coffee to kold too melt butter; fried
potatoes which resemble the chips that a
two-inch angur makes in its journey
through an oak log.
Bread, soiled beef about az thick az a
blister plaster, and az tough az hounds
ear.
Table covered with plates, few scared
to death pickles on one oysthcm, and 6 fly
endorsed crackers on the other.
s. A pewterinkt castor with bottles
in it, one without any pepper in it, one
without any mustard and one with two
inches of drowned flies, and sum vinegar
{ init.
Servant gal, with hoops on, hang,
around ye earnestly, and wants to know
If yu want another cup oy5coffee. j1e
a Yu say "No nom, thank yu," and
push back yure chair.
Yu havn't eat enuff to pay for picking
yure teeth. s8al 1x So
am about az gelfconseated az it viii
do for man to be and not crack open
but never yet consulted that coulc
keep hotel; [ had rather be a highway
man than. to be sum landlords hay visit
ed with. : +'sll s.
E Thare are hotels that are joy upor
the earth, WHARF man. pays hiz bill az
cheerfully az he did the parson who mar
ried him; WHARF. you kant find the land
lord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, WHARF
servants glide about like angels ,ov mer-
Cyl WHARF the beds fit mans back like
the feathers on a goose, and WHARF thu
e vittles taste just az though yure wife o.
: mother had fried them. sv..s
!. Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bill
on wheels and travel around the country
they are just az phull ov comfort az
thanksgiving pudding, but alas! yes, alas
they are az unplenty az double-yolke'
eteggs. 4 m
It is said that the mosquitoes were s.
nlentys in the Adirondacks that the,