Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-08-25
EnntIl fur 0nntorists

lis Office as Indian Commissioner.
When he is all Indian he is we'll
,red man, but when he becomes rye
md Indian his ways are dark.
A Connecticut man ardently wants
o ''repreAiat the mi:handick and la
boring men in the State assemble IT.
espectiv of poliytieg. riljion, or ed
licashun." OF the last, especially.
Domestic.-Some one, evidently
novice propo mds tie following
Why DO they do I p so much more
Of pears, peaches, and smailfruits now
than formerls ?'-Bccanse they Gu.
Commercial instinct -Dngald-
")id We hear that Sawrey McNab was
ia en- up for siaIin'a coo" Donalt-
''H@Ot, toot, the stipid bodje! Gould
he no boch; t an no paid fo't:"
A celebrated wit was asked if lie
knew Theodore Hook. Yes" lie
replied; Hook and eye are old &C
quaintanccs. "
A youthful political aSpirant, after
/ canvass harangue. met his particu-
lar fi.nd with, We'll. my dear sir. |
lid you hear my last speech!' 81
nope 50.
Tie hay crop must be failure in
Tacoma, n. II for the local journal !
,ays that "grasshoppers have GOT
anne trying to hop f.om one blade to
another.
The Lowell, Mass. Courier, says:
The most humiliating domestic use a
full grown man can be put to is TO be
sent to the bakers for "a cents
worth of yeast.
Some one, describing a bad dinner
to which he had been Invited, said
that the meat was cold, the wine
was hot, and everything was sour but
the vinegar"
A fve-year-old city boy told his
mother how to make butter: "You
Just take a long stick with a cross at
the end Of it; then you get big tub;
and then you borrow COW"
The owner of a dog in Lowell.
Mass. indignantly claimed reduc-
ton in his canine liceuse at the City
Clerk's office. the other day, on the
ground that his dog was but half the
size of another dog for which the
same license fee of$2 only was exact
ed.
A gentleman in England who re-
Gently captured whale and paid a
friend halfa-crown to inform him how
to preserve it, was advised to put
the hale carefully into a glass bottle,
cover it over with spirits of wine
(sirong whiskey may do), and then
cork and seal up"
Kansas City, Mo-, boasts a black
smith who has a wicked son. The
blacksmith. when spoken to about the
tremendous muscle of his right arm,
points to the boy and says, "More
muscle was developed on this arm cor
recting that internal boy than ever
plying the hammer brought forth. -
A lady had a favorite lap dog,
which she called Perchance. "A sim
gular name," said somebody, for
beautiful pet, madame. Where did
you find it p oh" drawled she, sit
was named from Byron's dog. You
remember where he says - Perchance
my dog will howl"
4 woman in Memphis was deter
mined to commit suicide, but was
forcibly prevented on several occa-
Sions. The Aculcmche says of her:
Eight times did this coulter of the
grim monarch's icy embrace attempt
to sross the Styx through the medium
of the Mississippi. She is good wo-
man-for items"
A young man in Lafayette, Ind.
is humility perSonifeG. The other
day he asked a young lady if he
might be allowed the privilege of 60.
ing home with her, and was indig
natly refused upon which he iiquir-
ed very humbIy if she would permit |
him to sit on the fence and see her
go by.
Pm not used 20 begging" said q
little girl to lady Of whom she had
asked aims, cause only two weeks
ago my father was a merchant -
why" child, how could he be re-
duced to poverty so soon?'' my ia
ther took a bad two dollar bill at his
pea nut stand, and it ruined him."
sobbed the child.
At Lawrence, Kansas, on Sunday.
while a minister was holding forth in
the church, crowd got up cock
fight in the yard. The people who
had congregated in the church went
out to stop the fight. but awaited I'M
til the battle was over before object
ing. The minister looked out of the
window at the crowd and said: eve
are all miserable sinners-which
e h'pged?"
\ woman went into store and ask
ed the proprietor if he had any black
hens eggs Don't know one kind
from the other" said he; "but
there's basketball of eggs there on
he counter" Il can tell Them
said the customer. "Well then. help
yourself" said the dealer. She did
50, paying the ordinary price. What
vas the grocer chagrin upon the Gus
TONER'S departure to find all of his
arge eggs gone and nothing but small
ones remaining.
An amusing incident took place re-
Gently at a trial The counsel had
ust risen t. state the case tor the c
and had got no further than.