The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1871-12-02
VARIETY.

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What grows bigger the more you contract it
Debt. lt3'f 3 q. 7 = =
Resting on his owers-The man who lives on
the interest of his money 1ss.
"Corn bread?'' said an Irish waiter " we
haven't got it; an isn't it corn bafe ye mean2"
What is the difference between a coat and a
baby? The one l wear, the other was.
The drunkard's favorite geometrical figure is
the rye-tengle.
Mark Twain Gays now is the time to plant
buck-Wheat cakes
The banking firm of John SINE & Co., of San
Francisco, has failed for about 100000.
A large advertisement once, and then diseon-
tinued, creates the impression THAI the man has
fEzIed.
The Nation believes 81 admiration for Horace
Greeley to be incompatible with healthy condi-
tion of mind and body"
Fortunes hand, says poyerty-stricken writ
ing-master, is remarkable for its heavy down
strokes.
A girl in Wisconsin swallowed forty percussion
caps. Her mother refrained from spanking her,
or even talking snappish to her.
Patrick MaIoney." what do you say to the
Indictment? care you guilty, or not guilty?"
''Arrah. musha, yer worship, how can tell till
/ hear the iyidence2'' .-r
Michigan doctor, who was arrested because
his patient died, has been acquitted on the
ground that he did the best he could, giving all
the medicines he knew the names of.
If small girls are waits, are large ones waters?
" Certainly says sweet sixteen at least the
boys have the habit of applying them to their
lips IN sealing their vows"
Fond Father-''I see ye've put my son Until
grammar an Biography. Moo, as l neither mean
him to be minister or a sea-captain, it's o. nae
use. Give him plain bizness eddication.
A married lady of our acquaintance thus sums
up three years experience of married life The
first year my husband called me DEAR the
second year Mrs. A., and the third year old
sorrel top The last couldn't stand''
An Irishman noticing lady pass down the
street, espied two strips depending from under
cher mantle. Not knowing that these were stvled
sashes, and were hanging in their right place, he
exclaimed, can faith, ma am, yer galluses are
loose!'
Johnny, where is your pat" Sc Gone fish
ing, SIR '' He was a-fshing yesterday, was he
not2'' "Yes, SIR ss What did he catch ?,'
Z" One catfish, the rheumatism, two eels, the
toOthaehe and some little ones. Ma says he will
catch fits to-day; just wait till he gets home.''
As good an instance of '' sharp practice " as
We have ever heard of, is that of a in Ohio,
who was acquitted of murder on plea of in
sanity. he had secured his lawyers by giving
them mortgage on his farm, but now repudiates
the mortgage on the ground he rCas insane tchen
ne made H, according to the showing of these
same lawyers. rl F
A story is told of an editor who died, went to
Heaven, but was denied admittance, lest he
should meet some delinquent subscribers, and
bad feelings be engendered in that peaceful Cline
Having to go somewhere, the editor next ap-
peared in the regions of darkness, but was posi-
lively refused admlttance, as the place was full of
delinquent subscribers. Wearily the editor turned
back to the celestial city, and was met by the
Watchman at the portals with smile, who said /:
" was mistaken, you can en.er--there is not a
delinquent subscriber in Heaven
JOSH BILLINGS LATEsr.-Josh Billings AImi-
max ior 1877 is out and contains much wisdom
nfered: =
Q--How did robins git their name7
A.-By robin cherry-trees
2.-Whi IL the meazles like fresh naekreIP
They run IN schools, and hav tew be
ught before they be had
Q.-W no w9z the fust brewer9 9'-
A-Satan he brewed mischief
(which are two ov the lost arts9 is
A--Modesty, and good homemade bread
Q.-Who waz the weakest man?
A-fred Bennett, couldn't lift his note for g.
ord? TINE on reck-
Al don't kno as kare.
Q.-What is the surest gait on the road9
A tollgate.
Q.-Who had the best artikle oy nasbrno.,
A.-Job.-His pashunce was billed down 70
sp~ -fttf 10 FefFtlF grg1 =" : -. 9
Deacon Slick was an austere man. who solIo,,,oa
S5stering, and was OF the hard she'll ners,as;oe'
Inc Deacon "alluz made it a pint to tsII ~.
eoseomers that the money which he got for CO.
ters o,d not belong to him. sThe good Fa.ba-
lH-oe tae isters, said the deacon, ssanS tba
4 money hisn; I'm only stooart'' Tbev d
say the deacon had way of getting ten csnts rs
more on hundred in his peculiar method of Dc
ing business for somebody else. One Sundar
morning the old fellow was tearing around from
house to house with suspicious Bit of eurrencr
in bis hand. Some one had given him bad ff,Sy,
cent note, and he wasn't going to migrate tin
that air was fixed up "Wby, deacon. % said
one of his customers whom he had tackled ahont
it, what's the odds? What need YOU care
Tisn't you're, you know; you are only steward !:
1t isn't your loss" The deacon shifted his
shoulder, walked to the door, unshipped his quid
aud said: Ysas, that's so but If you think
lnat n goin to STAN By an see the Lord cheated
pos OF hfty cents, you're mistaken don't foster