Worcester daily spy. [volume] (Worcester [Mass.]) 1850-1888, 1871-08-07
An American Battle of Dorking.


You ask me to tell you, my children, of the
events which Immediately preceded the destruc-
ton of the once great American Union, and the
capture of the country by its present European
rulers, and to say something also of the cause
which led TO these deplorable results. under
takeI the task with heavy heart, for when
revert to that terrible time cannot help contrast
ing our proud condition up to that fatal year with
the humiliating position occupied now by the
American people. The story is a short one. In
the fall of 1872, Horace Greeley, the editor Of
newspaper in New York, was elected president
of the United States. The people voted for him
because they thought he was an honest man.
And so he was. But he was also vain and weak
and he entertained certain fanatical and prepoS-
ferrous notions-about agricultural matters, for
instance-which he was determined TO force
upon the people at all hazards, and despite all
opposition. He believed, among other things
that every man ought to go to the west TO earn
his bread, and long before he was chosen presi-
dent he used to advise everybody to move to
that region, as a cure for all the diseases that
could befall the human family.
n As soon as he reached the executive mansion,
which we used to call the white house. Presi-
dent Greeley organized an army of two hundred
thousand men, and proceeded to force the entire
population of the SeabOard states westward at
the point of the bayonet. The utmost violence
was used. Those who resisted were shot down,
and their dead bodies were carried off to a ma
lished for making some kind of fantastical fer
tilizer. All the large cities of the eastwere de-
populated, and the towns were entirely empty.
The army swept before it millions of men,
women and children, until the vast plains west
of Kansas were reached, when the pursuit
ceased and the army wasldrawn up in contin-
uouS line, with orders to shoot any one who at
tempted to visit the east. of course hundreds
of thousands of these poor creatures persisted
from starvation. This seemed to brighten PreSi-
dent Greeley, and he sent message to congress
recommending that seven hundred thousand
volumes of a book of his, entitled what |
Know About Farming" should be voted for the
relief of the starving sufferers. This was done,
and farming implements and seeds were supplied,
and then the millions of wretched outcastS made
an effort to till the ground. Of the result of
this will speak further on.
In the meantime the president was doing in
finite harm to the country in another way His
handwriting was so fearfully and wonderfully
bad that no living man could read it. And so,
when he sent his first annual message to con-
greSs-the document was devoted wholly to the
tariff and agriculture-a sentence appeared
which subsequently was ascertained to be,
"Large cultivation of rutabaga and beans is the
only hope of the American nation, am sure"
The printers, not being able to interpret this,
put it in the following form, in which it went 10
the world: 1.-THE cZar of Russia couldn't keep
clean if he washed himself with the whole At
lautic ocean once dayP This perVersion Of
the message was Immediately telegraphed TO
Russia by the Russian minister, and the car
was so indignant that he Immediately declared
war. Just at this time President Greeley un-
dertoOk to write some letters to Prince Bismarck
upon the subject of potato rot, and, after giving
his singular views at great length, he concluded
with the statement that if the Emperor William
said that subsoil blowing was not good in light
soils, or that guano was better than bone dust,
he was "a liar, villain and a slaveP Of course
the emperor also Immediately declared war, and
became an ally of Russia and of England, against
which latter country Mr. Greeley had actually
begun hOstilities already, because the qneen IN
her speech from the throne, had declared the
Tribunes advocacy of tariff on pig iron in
cendisry, and calculated to disturb the peace of
nations. Unhappily this was not the full meas
sure OF our disasters. The president had sent
to the emperor of Austria a copy of his book
I" What Know" etc, with his autograph upon
a hy-leaf. The emperor mistook the signature
for a caricature of the Austrian eagle, and he
readily Joined in the war against the United
States; while France was provoked to the same
act by the fact, when the French minister came
to call upon Mr.. Greeley to present his creden-
tials, the president, who was writing an edi-
torial at the time, not comprehending the French
language, mistoOk the ambassador for beggar
and, without looking, up, handed him quarter
and an order for clean shirt, and said TO him,
" Go west, young man-gO westp So all these
nations joined in making war upon the United
States. They swooped down upon our coasts
and landed without opposition, for those ex-
posed portions of our unhappy country were
absolutely deserted. The president was
afraid to call away the army from Kansas at
first, for fear the outraged people upon the
plains would come east in spite Of him. But at
last he did summon the army to his aid and it
moved TO meet the enemy. 1t was too late. Be
fore the troops reached Cincinnati the foreigners
had seized Washington aud the country east of
the Ohio, and had hung the president, the cabi-
net and every member of congress. The army
disbanded in alarm and the invaders moved to
the far west, where they found the population
dying of starvation because they had followed
the advice Of Greeley's book to :" Try for your
first crop to raise lines; and don't plant more
than bushel of quicklime in a hill" OF
course these wretched people were at the mercy
of the enemy, who-to his credit be it said
treated them kindly, fed them and brought
them back to their old homes. You know what
fOlIowed-how Prince Frederick William of
Prussia assembled the American throne, and the
other humliations that ensued. twas fearful
blow at repubicanism-a blow from which it
can never recover. II made us, who were free
men, a nation of slaves. 1t was all the result OF
our blind confidence in q misguided old man
who thought himself a philosopher, but who
was actually fool May heaven preserve you,
my children, from the remorse feel when
! editor,