davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

A correspondent who recently trav.
eled on railway relates a little by
play, which was amusing to the spec
tators:
A couple of young people of the
male and female persuasions had been
having an animated argument upon
some interesting topic-nerbans ,s 70
whether thew should call mon , min
lister at the next stoppinp-place. A,
any rate he was persistent and ,norv
and she reluctant and painting.
As the train nearcd Leavittsburc
the bell.cord was detached At tho ond
of the car. preparatorv TO sen.rat;no
the train. The end Of the rono b,ne
beside the seat whence the vouno man
glowered ON the TRAVELLING world
Partly for fun and nartlv 70 fr;ob,
en- his COMPANION he ;umned nm ond
throwing the cord around b;s ,oo,.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29
A Wholesale Ducking.

We have in Chester, Pa, along the
Delaware river, quite a promenade,
consisting of a wharf, jutting out into
the river several hundred feet, and it
is the practice of both the white and
colored population to walk thereon
On Sunday evening especially, if
pleasant, the place is usually crowded.
On recent Sabbath l witnessed quite
an amusing scene at this place. A
colored gent, dressed in the hight of
fashion, with stovepipe hat, was talking
with his dear flor it was plain to see he
was very much in love), having hold
of her hand, and she looking very
radiant, &c. Through an unexpected
accident, his endearments and sweet
nonsense were abruptly terminated
His foot slipped, and for moment he
practiced asvkward feats Of equilibrium
on the edge of the wharf; but, not
having trained in circus, he was
unsuccessful, and, consequently, fell
into the water. The level of the wharf
was only about a foot above the waters
surface, and he either could not, or
would not, release the hand of the
young lady, but clutched it as firmly
as if life depended upon the strength
of the grasp. She screamed loudly
all love was forgotten when sclfpres-
ervation was her uppermost thought.
Her cries to be released we're unheed-
ed, and, almost in despair, she clutch
cd the coat Of q man who stood near
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

The latter, feeling himself pulled to-
ward the edge of the dock, instantly
grasped the arm of darkey; and SO
it went on, until in the space of min
ute or two, there were no less than ten
black and white faces bobbing up and
down in the water. Luckily, owing
to the number of small boats tied
there, they were all rescued, minus a
hat or two. You can wager that there
was a jolly time among the ladies and
gentlemen congrcgated there. With
the exception of the dripping victims,
all thought it excellent Sunday sport
that ducking.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29
Things DOnN Like = BY n
Lady.

l don't like, if a girl sets here eyes
on young gentleman for a minute
that she should imagine that she la.
set on him for life.
don't like to see two ladies convers
ing in an undertone in company
wearing a malicious look upon there
faces, and directing their eyes fire
quently towards me.
don't like to see those very young
men whose thoughts are always center.
ed upon themselves, and whose fingers
are always twirling their mustaches.
l don't like to be one of a wedding
party where all the young ladies are
expected to damp their handkerchiefs
in sympathy with the weeping bride.
l don't like to see my beau flirting
with another girl, and be obliged to
look gay and unconcerned all the time
lest l be accused of jealousy.
don't like those who will tell you
that they are plain people who speak
their minds and make that a pretext
to give you all manner of home.
blows.
l don't like if a girl makes herself
agreeable to gentleman for half an
hour, that he should go away and tell
all his friends in confidence, that she
is dying about him.
1 don't like to be asked to play a
little music for the ratification of the
company, and to find that during the
whole performance, everybody prefers
listening to the music of their own
voices.
l don't like to see pair of slippers
that worked at long and arduously
to render beautiful, flourishing on the
feet of another girls husband whom |
'nce expected to be my own.
l don't like after discoursing in an
mated and sensible strain for five
minutes, to hear at the end of it,
Pray excuse me, but what are you
alking about p
l don't like to be called 'heartless,
because | cannot sigh over withered
oseleaf, or weep over An Elegy on
Dead Carary.'
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

We find the following in the Savan
nah (Ga.) Republican:
A friend of ours was sitting in his
Office on Monday, trying to fix his
thoughts upon an abstruse work before
him, but they wandered sadly from
the subject, owing to the terrible
noise maintained in front of his door
by a small negro with a tin horn.-
Finally he became too nervous to
stand it any longer, and went out and
called the boy and asked how much he
would take for the horn.
Il dunno, sab, was the answer.
will you take quarter p
Yes, sab 7 -
The quarter was duly paid and the
gentlman took possession of the of.
Tending horn. Scarcely had he re.
seated himself when a din far moro
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29
BY JOHN QUILL.

PEBBLES had Just asked Mr.. Merri-
weather's daughter if she would give
him a lift out of bachelordom, and she
had said yes. 1t therefore became alb
solutely necessary to get the old man IS
permission, SO, as PEBBLES said that ar
engagements might be made for hopping
the coniugal twig.
PEBBLES said he'd rather pop the in
orrogatory to all of old Mrriweather's
daughters, and his sisters, and his fe-
male cousins, and his aunt Hannah in
the country, and the whole of his fe-
male relations than ask old Merri-
weather. But it had to be done, and
so he sat down and studied out n
speech which he was to disgorge to old
Merriweather the very first chance he
got to shy it at him. SO PEBBLES drop.
ped in on him one Sunday evening,
when all the family had meandered to
class meeting, and found him doing a
sum in beer measure, trying to calcu-
late the exact number of quarts his
interior could hold without blowing
the head off of him.
How are you, Peeb?' said old
Mcrriwcather, as PEBBLES walked in
as white as piece of chalk, and trcm-
bling as if he had swallowed a con-
dcnsed earthquake. PEBBLES was
afraid to answer, because he wasn't
sure about that speech. He knew he
had to keep his grip on it while he had
1T there or it would slip away from him
quicker than an oiled eel through an
auger hole. So he blunted right out
Mr.. Merriweathcr, sir; perhaps it
may not be unknown to you sir, that
during an extended period of some
five years, l have been engaged in the
prosecution of a commercial enter
prise
Is that so, and kecpin' it secret
all the time, while / thought you was
tcndin' store. Well, by George, you're
one of 'em now, amt you ?
PEBBLES had to begin all over again
to get the run of it.
Mr.. Merriweathcr, sir Perhaps
ii may not be unknown to you, that
during an extended period of some five
years, ! have been engaged in the pros
ecution of commercial enterprise,
with a determination TO procure a
sufficient
Sit down, Peeb, and help yourself
10 beer. Don't stand there holding
your hat like blind beggar with the
paralysis. What's the matter with
you, anyhow? never seen you be-
have yourself so in all my born days.
PEBBLES was Knocked out again, and
had 10 waudcr back for freeh start.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

horrible broke out in front of his Office.
He rushed out, and there was the
veritable negro, reinforced by a com
rade, and both using their best efforts
on tin horns. Again the boy was in
terrogated, this time as to where he
obtained the horns.
Il buyed 'em, sab, wild de quarter
what you gin me-
He has concluded henceforth to pay
no more quarters for tin horns. The
cure proved worse than the disease.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

A party of men were surveying for
a railroad in New Jersey; and Of
course, they were entitled to the best
along the line. At one house the pro-
prietor was little tardy in produc.
ing the cider. It came at last, and it
was tested by one of the party with
great deliberation. How much cider
did you make this year p he asked
Fifteen barrels was the answer. An
other sip. well, if you had had an
other apple, you might have made an
other barrel
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

The Williamton, NJ, Independent
edited by Mr.. Steele, gets off the fol
lowing: A printer last week pro
posed to go into partnership with us
His name is Doolittle. The firm
name would sound very bad, either
way you put it, Steal and DoLittle,
or DoLittle and Steal We can't
jine. One of us would be in the
poorhouse, and the other in the peni-
tertiary
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

WANTED TO KNow.-What kind of
ropes are used by thimble-rigger
How many knots an hour can a Par
son tie ? The difference between
minding the train and training the
mind ? Whether the lion of party
has anything to do with the dande-
lion ? Whether funeral carriage
is an inky-bus ? Whether one is
(h)aunted who receives daily visits
from his mothers sister /? r'i
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

A LIVELY GIRL.-The Manchester
(Missouri) Excelsior knows of a girl
in Schuyler County, who, zone night
last summer, attended ball, danced
all night, went home in the morning,
got breakfast, dinner, and supper for
ten harvest hands, did two weeks
washing and the milking, made cali
co dress, practiced her music lesson,
went blackberrying, gathered gallon,
walked to the town in the evening to
attend concert, and walked home be-
fore bedtime uud
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29
Twemty-Threc Eggs.

Twenty-Threc Eggs.
At eight years old | was as wide
awake, and saw as many things between
daybreak and nine o'clock at night a.
any boy in the country, and was with
al quite as fond of telling quite a
much as l saw, and now and then
good deal more.
My mother sometimes suspected m,
of great powers of exaggeration but
as on looking into my statements, she
was never able to detect me in direc,
lie, | was little likely to receive the
correction which l was often conscious
of deserving. This came to me in an un-
expected manner, and the way was
helped out of the worst and last false.
hood l ever told has always been mys-
terry to me.
l was loitereng in the kitchen one
morning where my mother was at
work making tarts when-tarts sug.
costing cake, and cake cggs-she turned
to me and said:
L don't see as your new-fangled
chickens turn out any better than the
old ones. We don't seem to have any
more eggs
Here my mother had touched ten
der spot. l had bought the chickens
with my own money, and on the posi-
tive assurance that they were magnifi-
cent layers.
Yes they do l said-not waiting
to think what my hasty vindication
might cost me-'Yes they do; they
lay splendidly. / found nest with
ever so many eggs in it this morning.
Then why didn't you bring them
in!
/ had no basket, and then l forgot
it, but there's hole there, under the
cows rack, and l counted twenty three
eggs
That was sumner but my moth
er did not drop her rolling-pin, nor
give any sign that she discredited my
She only said quietly, Take the
basket, Bridget, and 60 to the barn
with Harry.
l took the basket, and marched out
half a rod ahead of Bridget, and straight
20 the cows rack. l did not expect
% find anything, but l must go ahead
ill had to stop; that was always my
way. So went to the rack, when,
ure enough, there was the hole; and,
Trusting in my arm, l fclt-an egg.
put it in the basket, and tried again,
another, and another, till twenty-thre
ggs had been taken from the wonder
III hole. Just twenty-three and no
lore
Never was profounder astonishment
n one little breast, and the worst of
was, it had to be kept there. 1t
vas big charge of powder in a small
ock. l was terribly afraid it would
xplodc, but it didn't. l took the
ggs to my mother and went out whistl-
mother saying to herself
lear soul How foolish l was to
loubt him.
Poor me How l ached to confess
he fiction, for the sake of telling the
tranger truth. I had not the courage
o do this, but the effect on me of this
verifcation of my falsehood
vas never lost. l had been so strange
y confronted, face to face, with my
lie, as if the evil one had whispered,
Have it as you say that I determin-
d it should be my last. And it was.
became so strictly truthful-so not
d, indeed, for my exactness, that the
ime has at length come when 1 can ]
afely tell the story of my twenty
hree eggs.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

married the girl, and lived happily
with her for about two months, and at
the end of that time, he told conf.
dental friend that he would willingly
take more trouble and undergo a mil
lion more dog bites to get rid of her.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29
WY First Poem.

We commence this column with tn
blowing rare hit of laughable inge
luity on the typographical errors con
aimed in IA few verses:
All here It is I'm famous now
An author and poet;
Il really is in print We gols!
How proud I'll be to show it.
And gentle Annie what a thrill
Will animate her breast,
TO read these ardent lines and know
10 whom they are addressed.
Why, bless my soul here's something strange
What can the paper mean
By talking Of the graceful brooks
5nUst esnder orer the green -
And here's instead OF Il.
which makes it ";ipling iill;"
"we'll seek the shad," instead of "rhade,"
And SHE'LL" instead of "hill"
"They look so''-what | recolloct,
Twas Sweet" and then twas 'kini,"
And now to think the stupid fool
For "bland" has printed blind"
Was ever such provoking work
'ris curious by the ~,
How anything is rendered blind
By giving 1t an eye.
"IIlst thou no tears" the T's left out,
"hast thou no ears" instead;
81 hope that thou art dear" is put
81 hope that thou art dead"
Who ever saw in such space,
So many blunders crammcd
'lhose gentle eyes bedimmed" is spelt
"rhose gentle eyes bcdamned."
"The color Of the rose" is "nose."
affection" Is ''aiiliction;"
l wonder if the likeness holds
In fact as veil as fiction.
"Thou art Il friend" the Il is gone;
Who ever would have deemed
That such triiiir & thing would change
A "hicnd" into a "fiend 20
.'Thou art the same" "a rendered ''lnme;'
IL really ], to bad;
And here, Q ause an is out,
Ny "lovely mn d" "mad."
They drove her blind by poking in
An eye-a process new!
And now they've gouged IL out again,
And made her crazy, too.
"w here are the muses. fled, thar thou
shouldst live so long unsung,"
Thus ran my vision-here il is;
"shouidst live SO long unhung."
"Ths fate Of woInan's love is thiue,"
And II commences "iato;'
How small circumstance will turn ..a.
womsn's love to hate.
I'll read no more. What shall do :
Ill never dare TO send it;
The papers scattered far and wide
It's low to late to mend IT.
Oh. Fame thou cheat of human bliss.
Why did ever write
wish my poem had been burnt
Before II saw the light.
Let's stop and recapitulate-
I've d'm'd her eyes, that's plain;
I've told her she's a lunatic,
And blind, and deaf, aid lame.
WAS ever such horrid hash
In poetry or prose-
I've said she was a fend and praised
The color of her nose.
wish had that editor
About a half a minute,
j d bang him TO his hearts content,
Ana with an n begin IT,
ia jam his body, eyes and DO mes,
And spell it with an,
Aud send him TO that hill of his
lie spells il with an X.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

Woman is like ivy-the more you
are ruined, the closer she clings to
you A vile bachelor adds, Ivy is
like woman-the more it clings to you.
the more you are ruined Poor rule
that won't work both ways.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

A young man, who very recently
fell in love with very beautiful
young lady, says that when he ascer.
tanned last evening that she reciprocal
ed his passion, he felt as though he
was setting on the roof of a meeting
house and every single was a Jews.
harp.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29
His Younger Days.

Mr.. T. is a professor of music, well
known in the West, where his musical
abilities have given him considerable
notoriety. 1t is also a notorious fact
, that he has a particular love for the
bowl, and tipping seems to have be-
come a second nature to him.
1t is a common practice with him
when engaged at concerts, to step out
during the performance Of those parts
where his services are not particularly
required, and indulge his drinking pro-
pensities in the nearest saloon. +
1t happened one night, that ra-
ging thirst seized him as usual.
AS ill-luck would have it, he was
needed to appear in the next piece,
which would be in so short time as
not to allow of his leaving the building
He stepped into one of the side, or
dressing-rooms, where he found Mr..
s., the owner of the hall. He inquired
of Mr.. S. if he had anything to drink.
Mr.. S. informed him that he could ac-
comodate him with a glass of water.
Mr.. T. hesitated a moment, and then,
as if driven to desperation, he exclaim-
ed:
Well, let's have it,
Mr.. S. handed him the water, which
he drank; then returning the empty
glass, he remarked with sigh:
MIR. s., that puts me in mind of my
younger days.
PARTING WoRDs.-A lady parting
from her husband few days since in
the cars at Albany was overheard by
the passengers to utter the following
paragraph all in one breath: Good
by, Will, write to me every day, won't
you ? I'll expect letter three times
week any way. Take good care of
my Sunday school class, for 1 want it
when I come back. If Miss Smith
calls don't give her more than fifteen
cents, for we have to support our own
Church, you know. Don't forget to
bring my silk dress and my other
shoes. Come as soon as you cam
Good by. Don't forget your cane,
and let your moustache grow
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

Subscribe for the ALpEvA WEEKLY
a year in advance.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1871-06-29

We commence this column with the
following rare hit of laughable inge-
nuity on the typographical errors con-
tanned in few verses:
Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-09-21
PROBABILITIES.
The Stolen Vouchers.
New YORK, Sept. 20

NEW YORK, Sept. 20.
The man who stole the vouchers from
the controllers office on Sunday week, If
known and will be arrested in the morn
ing. 1t appears that Connolly had moth
ing to do with the offence which was in
stigated by the head of another depart
ment.
The Post this evening announces on the
highest authority, that the vouchers stolen
from Controller Connollys Office on Sunday
night week, are rot the only ones missing
from that Office. Early in tho summer
it is said that vouchers for three million
dollars were suddenly missed from the
controllers office, though it was only very
recently that the mayor or any
other officer outside of controllers Office
knew of the abstraction of the documents.
The city auditor through whose hands
the vouchers passed and who was
the one responsible for their accuracy
was D. Townsend Connolly, son of the
controller, and who hiss since left the
country and gone to Europe, Mr.. Hewipg
taking his place. The Post, however,
says that it has not learned whether the
vouchers were missing Immediately after
Connolly's departure or not, nor has it
facts directly duplicating him in the
theft. II was said some days ago by mel
who knew these vouchers were missing
that it was designed to manufacture new
ones IN their place, but it is believed tha
Mayor Hall will make ne OF this rob
berry, as we'll SIS the latter enc, for driving
Connolly from bis office.
MIDNIGHT.
Nothing more has been developed dur
ing the evening regarding the truth o
the facts of the story, it is Reported how
on good authority.
Sheriff O'Brien hiss i-sned "A letter de
Iouncing Tweed, Hall, Sweeney an
Connolly, and denying the statement
made in some of the papers that he wa
in secret league with the ring.
Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-09-21

EXCURSION TO SARAToGA.-The pub
lie of Rutland and vicinity are respect
fully informed that the young men of the
Baptist Society of this village, have made
arrangements for an excursion to Sarato-
ga, Tuesday, Sept. Goth, 1871. Fare for
the round trip, $500; children under II
years of age, half fare. The excursion
train will leave Rutland at 5 o'clock a. m,
arriving at Saratoga at 745, leaving Sar-
atoga at CAS-, and arriving at Rutland at
o 80 p. m, thus giving the entire day to
the excursionists at this most popular re-
sort. Ali persons wishing to avail them
selves of the pleasure of this excursion,
will oblige the committee, and secure
their own comfort, by an earl application
for tickets, as no more will be sold than
can be comfortably accommodated. Tick
cts may be had at the HERALD Book
Store, Center street.
n. B.-Please remember that the com
fort of all cxcursionists will be promoted
by an early application for tickets, IS II
is determined to avoid crowding.
Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-09-21
New York Markets.
NEW YoRK. Sept. 20.

NEW YoRK. Sept. 20.
CoTToH-The market heavy at y advance.
Sales 200 bales. Middlngs 20%.
rLoUR-Sale- 1870 bols. State and Western
dull. State IS 6O67 90; Round Hoop Ohio
Sc 3O67. So; Western s5.ooG7.75 Southern s6.35
Gt9 90.
Wharf.-The market is to 5 cts. higher. Sales
$4,000 bush. No. ? Spring sl.45&L46; winter
red and amber western at el.50Gl.5 white
Michigan sl.s20l 6S.
CoEs-maIket active and firmer. Sales 224,0C0
bush. Common mixed ives eTn Z kI72z.
OATs-Market Is heavy. Ohio and West
ern 49952c.
PoKk-Fhe market is moderate. New mess
sl3.50G13 GO prime $40 00dl0.25.
LAgD-The market is heavy at 81.
BUTTEE.-Ihe market Is dull. ohio log l8e /;
State 15a20.
WuiskEY-The market is frmer. Western
free at 81 a94Hc.
RICE-Ea-ier. Carolina sHG9X.
5UGAB- The market l. steady. muscoyaGo
9%@lOkc; 1air to good refining 9Ed9A.
COFFEs.-1he market Is duller. Rio at
i.IL~'w-The market is quiet and qsoted
at 8A@9E.
Naval stores
TURrESTINE-The market is firm at COG
Gle
RosrN-The market is quiet and quoted at
:3.00,G3 10 Tor strained.
PErEoLEUN-In far request. Crude, l440
244 refined p.
Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-09-21
London Times on New York
Frauds.
From Washington.

WASHINGTON, Sept 20.
Secretary Delano returned to Mount
Vernon, Ohio, this morning, being called
thi.her by the death of his brother-in-law
Harvey Lambert.
The Commissioner of Patents to-day
extended the patent of J. D. Weste, OF
Orange, N J., for pumps, and heard an
argument in the case of J. S. Marsh, of
Louisburg, Penn, and ]. D. Bttcs, OF
Anthem, coutesting his right TO a patent
for an improved harvester
Lieut.. Darwin G.. Finn, of the 18th in
fantry, recently sentenced by court mar
tial at St. Paul, for emt ezlement of pub
lie funds aud betting, while entrusted
with public funds, is to be cashiered, fned
800 and suffer four years imprison
ment in the penitentiary at Saltwater
The War Department approves of the
sentence.
The Signal Bureau has received a dis
patch from Mt. Washington, n. H, st t.
ing that at five o'clock this afternoon
there was a light snow at that place with
the thermometer at 81 degrees.
Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-09-21

For the week ending Sept. 10, 1871.