The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1871-11-25
VARIETY.
eft Of the week-Sunday.

The hangman's vegetable-Art O. choke
Never travel without pocket companion: A
velI-fIIed pocket-bOok is the best
A New-York lady took the veil Wednesday
and left the store suddenly without paying for it.
To cure deafness IN a man, begin to whisper to
him about chance to make his fortune.
Insults are counterfeit money; we can't help
their being offered, but we needn't take them.
CITY man, who knows all about farming,
avs the best way to raise strawberries is with a
spoon-
A Wisconsin lover wrote his sweetheart ::
aThere is not globule of blood in my heart
that does not bear your photograph.
IandIady (fercely)-s' You mustn't occupy that
bed with your boots on" Boarder-'' Never
mind; they're an old pair. 1 guess the bugs
won't hurt 'em. Let 'em rip, anyhow"
Derni-John.-Ever since you have taken to
drinking, John, you re not more than half a
man, said temperance man to an idle brother.
Fact is, you mean I'm only demi-John."
&" Name the longest day in the year." said
Nashua teacher to a young hopeful of five Sum-
ners sunday" /" responded the little victim
of blue law.
Cuffy said he'd rather die in a railroad smash
up than steamboat bust-up, for this reason
s' If you gets OF and smash-up, dar you is, but
if you gets blowed-up on de boat, whar is you? :"
FoND FATHER.-ss see ye've put my son into
grammar and Biography. Moo. as neither mean
. him tae be minister a sea-captain, its o. nae
use. Gle him plain biziness eddication.''-
Punch.
Mr.. Billings says everybody is in the habit of
Dragging on Job, and Job did have considerable
pashunce but did he ever keep a district skule
for eight dollars month and board around, or
run kuntree newspaper?
An exchange says it is not good taste for
goune men to stay after ten oclock when visiting
young ladies. A friend of ours says he never
noticed any difference in the taste after ten
o'clock. He says it is good any time.
g Oh, yes,'' said a fair critic, with that viva
city of speech and manner in which the bedur
ser indulge when picking a friend to pieces,
. Oh, yes, Henry would be very presentable if
the Lord hadn't turned up SO much of his legs to
make his feet"
A widow advertised in Chicago asking /" every
Christian in the city - to send her ten cents, as
the amount would not oppress them, and the col
lection would benefit her greatly. For wonder,
the class called upon did all contribute as re-
auested, and the widow realized twenty cents.
:. You say, Mrs. Jones, that the prisoner stab
; bed the deceased. Was it in the thorax. or in
the abdomen?" IS No, sir; it was in the street.
| seed it with mine own blessed eyes" =" That'H
d. Call the next witness"
Western writer thinks that if the proper
way of spelling tho is though. and ate eight, and
bo Jeallr, the proper way of spelling potatoes is
pougateighfedur: The new spelling for softly is
sOughtLeigh.
s.I was not aware that you knew him. said
Tom Smith to an Irish friend the other day.
Know him." said he, in n tone which compre
hended the knowledge of more than life,
. knew him when his father was boy"
We have seen a rope walk, note run, a watch
spring. a horse fly and Saratoga hop, and next
Summer we shall go over the Rockys to see the
big trees leave and the Pacific slOpe.-Chicago
Post
Sacramento man gave young lady lottery
ticket, which afterwards drew three hundred dol |
lars. He then went and told her it had drawn |
. thirty dollars and asked her to go shares with |
him. She consented and gave him the ticket for |
fifteen dollars. He is the champion.
After a careful investigation of the alledged
brutal whipping of boy in school in one of the
interior towns of Massachusetts,, the School Com
aittee reported that the punishment was not
Etuated by malice, but occasioned by an '' un-
tie appreciation of the thickness Of the boys
Z hntaloons.''
g.. '' love to look upon young man. There is a
Gdden potency concealed within his breast which
earms and pains me.''
:, daughter of clergyman happening to find
we above sentence at the close of piece of her
Hthers manuscript, as he had left it in his study
at down and added: ss Them's my sentiments
e1actly, papa-all but the palms,
Some two weeks ago young man of culture
and good taste went to hear well-known ranter
n
/ half through, he left his seat, and was going on
tiptoe toward the door, when the preacher roared
out: Young man, would you rather 90 to hell
than hear me presch?' Somewhat startled at
hrst, the young man faced about, and with a |
graceful bow, responded On the whole. mar
Son, I think would
''We don't like Philip Phillips, the Singing
Pilgrim who sang at the Howard PresbvteTia55 ,
Church. on Tuesday" says a California naner |
% He filters all his hymns through his nose. and
has an unpleasant way of repeating the last linz
of each verse over and over again The effect of
His bowels melt with love- was not pretty when
sang thus: His bowels melt with love, His bow
1 els melt with love, His sbow-wow-wow-wow-wow
els melt with love-
An old weather-beaten trapper was sauntering
aiong the main street of one of our Western vii
ages, on q recent Sunday. Passing in front of
aeeting- house, for moment be won't in and took
rs seat among the congregation. The preacher
vas discoursing the text Of s' the sheep and
Ae wolves" and had evidently been drawing a
aatrast between the two subjects. Says he,
s We who assemble here from week to week, and
4 our duty, and perform our part, are the sheep;
w who, then, are the wolves ?'' A pause. and
" friend, the trapper. rose to his feet. Z" Wa'al
: anger, rather than see the play stopped. 1 will
the wolves" The preacher pronounced the