The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1871-08-10
THE LEARNED PIG.
BY DON PIATT.

BY DON PIATT.
have turn for swine. 1 might say
that 1 have taste for swine. l do not
mean taste for pork, but a liking for
the living pig. To put it in plain Eng
lish, 1 like the hog. The hog to me is
like the fool i the forest, meat and drink.
I study him. I understand him. am
amazed at his ways, and am filed with
admiration of his sagacity. was brought
up on hog. had rare opportunities to
study his character, and appreciate his
traits With due deliberation I assert
that for shrewdness of observation,
knowledge of character, for thought and
memory, your hog excels all the othor
beasts of the field and forest.
He is selfish. Well, looked at from a
certain standpoint, hoggy is selfish. But
deprive man of his hands and tongue !;
put in him stomach that will digest
Bsncrofts History of the United
States" stomach of great capacity and
inordinate appetite; then build up
fences, shut the gates, and turn loose
your dogs, and what will become of a
mans generous impulses, etc.? They
will 60 "where the woodbine twineth !"
over the Erie stock. AS it is with all
his advantages, man comes nearer to the
hog in this quality than any other ami
NAL. AS the pig puts at least one foot
in the trough while eating, so man
will degrade his possessions in proof of
his ownership. This is especially the
case with his wife, and would be with
his children, but thar as they grow older
and stronger he grows older and weaker,
so the pig mastery predominates in the
offspring.
With these tastes and ideas was
walking slowly along Pennsylvania ave-
nue., when saw the sign of "Loarned
Pig" done i'll hugo letters upon the side
of house. I read further along that
the admission fee was twenty-five cents
servants, children, ministers of the
gospel, and Sunday schools, admitted
for half price. 1 brought up promise
to pay issued by our paternal Govern
ment to the amount of oftwenty-f cents,
as did not come under either of the ex-
ceptions, and presented it to the guar
dian of the entrance, who, glancing at
me, gave the fractional bit of currency
an insulting examination.
"All right" he said, motioning an in
vitation to enter, and adding APOLOGIZE
cally, "No offence, Cap, but counterfeits
do gravitate toward scientific swine most
amazingly"
The choice language of the doorkeeper
impressed me deeply. 1t was as sur
prising as the educated hog. Learning
had seized upon the concern.
/ entered a room that had once been
devoted to the sale of Intoxicating drinks.
1t yet retained its counter and its odor.
Ones nostrils recognized the spirit of
departed cocktails and mint-juleps that
pervaded the atmosphere, min Cling with
the vile smell of old cigars. The educa-
ted swine was not visible, but certain
eminent statesmen, distinguished by
their thirst for knowledge, were Of the
audience. A consumptive young man
labored steadily at hand organ that
gave us the air of "Shoo Fly" as il the
mr of Shoe Fly" was being ioltsd over
u stumpy corduroy road. In the pause
of this orchestra that came kindly to our
relief, we heard certain snores and grunts
indicating that the learned beast of
tusks and bristles was reposing from his
laborious studies unknown to the audi
ence.
When the room was sufficiently filled,
the consumptive orchestra abandoned
his post, and going to the door relieved
the gentleman who had expressed the
sage opinion touching the tendency
counterfeit currency had to gravitete to
the learned swine. This taker-in of
dimes and curious people, proceeded in a
business-like manner to the counter, and
rapping on the side, ordered the educa-
ted pork, under the name Of "Ben," to
come forth. A grunt of recognition was
the only response. A louder rap and a
more imperative order, brought a series
of grunts, that to those acquainted with
hog language meant a remonstrance
whereupon the lecturer reached under
and administered certain blows that
brought out squeal and the learned
shote. He was of the species known at
the West as a saw-back," and described
in the language of that region as "slab-
sided, long g-snouted, and spindled-legs :"
of the sort to break mans heart, if that
heart was bent upon adding some adj
pose to the bone and muscle, so as to
bring out the pork in merchantable
quantities.
: He had, however, an intellectual ex-
preston of facs, and 1t was really comi-
Gal to see the poor animal swapping his
jaws together with that emphasis pecu-
liar to an indignant porker, and all the
while cycling from under hislop-ears the
holder of the rattan.
"Ladies and gentlemen" began the
exhibitor, "this animal Is the most in
telligent and the best educated hog il
the world. There be some pigs on ex'