Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-05-05
aulRsaOF.


A rood housewives affairs are like mo-
ton to ADJOURN always in order
In the question of heads OF tails, Grant
Invariably says tails, if they are cocktails
Down cast they call finger posts ministers
because they point the way to other people,
but don't 60 themselves.
MY dear, it is very wrong for young peo-
pie to throw kisses why, mamma, they
don't hurt, if they do hit
1t has just been decided by Maine de-
batting society that no woman should talk
about rights until she can show clean,
healthy baby.
L rise for information said member of
legislative body. 4 am very glad to hear
it. for no one wants it more said by.
stander. s.H
A celebrated general, in one Of his re-
ports, wrote 'the best and last point in the
battle bat the printers made it, 'the best
and last pint in the bottle
The census taker ia Davis county, Iowa,
asked woman at farm house the age Of
her eldest child, and the reply was:
sYou'ye come around about month too
soon'
A young lady writing on the ubject Of
kissing, says: L should quite as lief have
coed kiss as new cashmere And we
would quite as lief-if net lisfer-eive it to
her.
A maiden lady abiding to her youthful
mplishments, said that at six months Of
age she went alone. A malicious individual
present, remarked: Yes, you have been GO
ing alone ever since
Where are you going?' said a Scotch
gentleman to thief whom he observed
crawling through hole in his hedge into
his garden Back again replied the thief,
as he hastily retreated.
Why Emily, how do you do?' I am
very well, julia Z celebrated my wooden
wedding last week why, didn's know
you were married. How did you celebrate
it?' by marrying blockhead.'
Big sister: oh, papa, I must 60 to hear
Nilsson You know am SO fond of mu-
sic'
Juvenile brother, triumphantly: Then
why don't you let me play on my DRUM
A young lady who prided herself on her
geography, seeing candls aslant remarked
that it reminded her of the Leaning Tower
of Pisa Yes responded wag, with this
difference; that is 8 tower ia Italy, while
this is tower in grease
DO you say that as lawyer or man ?
exclaimed an exaspsrated witness whom
barristsf was cross-examining. IF you say
it as a man, it's lie and q SANDER; but if
you say it as a lawyer, it is 4pt of the slight
est consequence
'Snobbs,' said Mrs. Snobbs to her hus
band the day after the ball. 'Snobbs, why
did you dance with every lady il the hall
last night before you noticed me?
why, any DEAR said the devoted Snobbs.
4 was practicing what we do at the table
reservng the best for the last
A runaway thief, having applied to a
blacksmith for work; the latter showed him
some handouts, and desired to know if he
had made such kind of work.
why, yes, sir answered the fellow,
scratching his head, guess I've had hand
in EN-
CouLDN'T SEE IT.-A sad story is told of
a Congressman, new to the ways Of the
House, who mistook the meaning Of the
clapping for pages, which always follows the
chaplain's opening prayer. We'll, that beats
me, said he. I don't see anything in that
prayer worth cheering
John, can you tell me the difference be
tween attraction Of gravitation and attrac-
ton of cohesion?'
Yes, sir. Attraction of gravitation pulls
drunken man to the ground, and the at
traction Of cohesion prevents him getting up
again
A man, praising porter, said it was so
excellent beverage, that it always made
him fat. I have seen that the time said
another, 'whan it always made you lean
when, should like to know said the
eulogist Why, no longer ago than last
nieht-ag ainst the wall
A clergyman. observing poor rssn by
the road breaking stones. ana kneeling to
get at his work the better maze this remark:
sAh, John, wish ] could breab the stony
hearts of my hearers as easily 40 you are
breaking those stones Perhaps, master,
YOU do net work on your knees. was the re-
ply
AT school examination the teacher ask
ed boy whether he could forgive those
who had wronged him?
Gould you, said the teacher, forgive
boy, for example, who had insulted or struck
you?
'Y-e-s-s, sir,' replied the lad, very slow
ly. I-think--I-eould, If he was bigger
than [ ana l5 s-
In chancery suit, one Of the counsel,
describing the boundaries Of his clients land
said, in showing the plan Of it:
we lie on this side, my lord.
The opposite counsel then said;
And we lie on this side
The chancellor with good-humored grln
observed: .,.,eu
If you lie on both sides, whom will ye
have me believer