The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1871-09-23
The Cieverest satire of the Day.
ConseuuenceS of Horace Greeley's Elec-
lion to ahe Presidency.


Presidency first appeared in the Philadel-
phia Sunday Dispatch, and is the best
thing of the kind we have ever reads
You ask me to tell you. my children. of
the events which Immediately preceded the
destruction Of the once great American
Union, and the capture of the country by
its present European rulers, and to say some
thing of the causes which led to these de-
plorable results. | undertake the task with
a heavy heart, for when | revert that terri>
BILE time, | cannot help contrasting our proud
condition up to that year with the humilat-
ing position occupied now by the American
people. The story is a short enc : 10 the
fall of 1872, Horace Greeley, the editor of
newspaper in New York, was elected Pres>
dent of the United States. The people voted
for him because they thought he was an hon
est man. And so he was. But he was also
vain and weak, and he entertained certain
fanatical and preposterous notions-about
agricultural matters, for instauce-which he
was determined to force upon the people at
all hazards, and despite all opposition. He
believed, among other things. that every
man ought to so to the West to earn his
bread. and long before he was chosen Presi~
dent he used to advise everybody to move to
that region as a cure for all diseases that
could befall the human family.
As soon as he reached the Executive Man
sion, which we used to call the White House,
President Greeley orgauized an army Of 2OO,-
600 men, and proceeded to drive the entire
population of the seaboard cities westward
at the point Of the bayonet. The utmost
violence was used Those who resisted were
shot down, and their dead bodies were cars
ried off to a national factory which the Pres
81 F. J.
Of fantastical fertilizer. All the large cities
of the east were depopulated. and the towns
were entirely empty. The army swept be-
fore it millions of men, women and children.
until the vast plains west Of Kansas were
reached, when the pursuit stopped and the
army was drawn up in a continuous line,
with orders to shoot any one who attempted
TO visit the east OF course hundreds of
thousands of these poor creatures persisted
from starvation. This seemed to frighten
President Greeley and he sent message to
Congress recommending that seven thous
and volumes of his book entitled "What |
know About Farming" should be voted
for the relief of the starving sufferers. This
was done, and farming implements and seeds
were supplied. and then the millions of
wretched outcaSts made an effort to till the
ground. OF the result of this | will speak
further on.
In the meantime the President was doing
Infinite harm TO the country in another way.
His handwriting was so fearfully and WON
derfully bad that no living man could read
it. And so he sent his first annual message
to Congress the document was devoted
wholly to the tariff and agriculture-a seu>
tence appeared which subsequently, was as
certained TO be Large cultivation of ruta>
baGa and beans in the only hope of the
American nation, | am sure" The printer
not being able to interpret this put it in the
following form, in which it went to the
world 1.-The Gar of Russia could not keep
clean if be washed himself with the whole
Atlantic ocean day" This perversion of
the message was Immediately telegraphed
to Russia by the Russian Minister, and the
Car was so indignant that he Immediately
declared war. Just at this time President
Greeley undertook to write a letter to Prince
Blsmark upon the subject of the potato rot,
and alter giving bis views at great length, he
concluded that if the Emperor William said
that subsoil blowing was not gool for light
soils. or that guanO was better than bone
dust, he was "a liar, villain and slave !" !
Of course the Emperor also Immediately de- |
clared war, and became an ally of Russia
and England, against which latter country
Mr.. Greeley had actually begun hostilties |
already. because the Queen, in her speech |
from the throne. declared the Tribune's adj /
vocacy OF a tariff on pig iron incendiary, and |
calculated to disturb the peace of nations.
Unhappily this was not the full measure
Of our disasters. The President had sent to |
the Emperor Of Austria copy of his book.
. What | KNOX," etc. with bis autograph |
upon fly leaf. The Emperor mistook the
signature for a Caficature of the Austrian
eagle. and he readily joined in the war
against the United States, while France was
provoked TO the same act by the fact that
when the French Minister came to call upon
MIR. Greeley to present his credentials, the .
President, who was writing an editorial at
the time. not comprehending the French lam
guaSe, mlstook the ambassador for beggar.
and, without looking up, handed him a quar-
ter and an order for clean shirt, and said |
TO him. ITO West. young mango WestI'' |
30 all these nations lOined in making war !
upon the United States. They swooped |
down upon our coasts and landed without /
for those exposed portions of our
unhappy country were absolutely deserted.
The President was afraid to call the army /
away from Kansas at first. for fear the out |
ragged people upon the plains would come
east in spite of him. Bat at last he did /
summon the army TO his aid, and it moved |
TO meet the enemy. 1t was to late Before |.
the troops reached Cincinnati the enemy had /
seized Washington, and the country east of
Ohio, and had hung the President, the Cabi |
net and every member of Congress. The
army disbanded in alarm, and the invaders
moved to the Far West, where they found
The population dying or starving, because
they had followed the advice of Gree!ey's
book; to TRY for our first crop to raise lines:
and don't plant more than a bpsbel of o,,iob'
lime in hill!" OF course these wreicLed |
people were at the mercy of the enemy. who
to his credit be it said-treated them kind |
ly, fed them and brought them back to their |
O!d homes. You know what followed-bow |
Prince Frederick William of Prussia ascend |
ed the American throne, and the other hui |
mutations that ensued. 1t was a fearful
blow at Republicanism-a blow from which
II can never recover. 1t made rs who were
freemen, nation Of slaves 1t was all the
result OF our blind confidence in misguided