The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1871-04-20
JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTELS.

They are kept in all sorts Of ways,
sum on the European plan, and menny
ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord is like good step
mother, he knows bis bizness and means
to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub biz hands with
ljoy when the traveller draws nigh, he
knows how to smile, he knows yure wife's
father when he waz living, and yure wife's
first husband, but he don't speak about
him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-.
morrow or not; he hears yare complaints
with tear in his eye; he blows up the
servants at yure suggestion, and stands
around reddy with shirt collar as stiff
as broken china.
A man may be good supream court
Judge, and at tho same time be misera.
BILE landlord.
Most evrybody thinks he kan keep a
hotel, (and they kan,) but this ackounts
for the great number ov hotels that are
kept on the same principle that justiss
ov the peace ofiss IL kept in country
during six days jury trial for killing
sumboddy's yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the
landlord, too, and ever kure traveller
from the habit of profane swearing.
have had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me
swear wuss.
1t il too often the kase that landlords
go into the Dizziness oy hash as minister's
60 into the profession, with the very best
ov motives, but the poorest kind of pros.
poets.
don't know ov any Dizziness moro
fattersum than the tavern Dizziness,
there don't seom to be anything to do
but to stand in front of the register with
pen behind the ear and see that the
guests enter the house, then yank bell-
rope six or seven times, and then tell
John to show the gentleman to 976, and
then take $3.50 next morning from
the poor devil of traveller and let him
went.
This seems to be the whole thing, (and
it il tho whole thing in most cases.)
You will diskover the following de-
skripshun, mild one, ev about 9 hotels
out-ov 10 between the Atlantick and
| Pacifck Oshuns akrost the United States
in strate line:
Yure room is 13 foot I inches by 9 foot
inches, parallelagramly.
1t being court week, (ez usuaD all the
good rooms are employed bi the aawycrs
and judges.
Yure room IL on the uttermost floor.
The carpet il ingrain-ingraincd with
the dust, kerosene lie and ink spots of
four generashuns.
Thare il two pegs in the room tow
hitch coats onto-one of them broke
oph, and the other pulled ont and missing
The buro has three legs and ono brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two
pivots which have lost their grip.
Thare is one towel on the rack, thin,
but wet. The rain water in the pitcher
cum out ov the we'll.
The soap il az tuff to wear as whct-
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie,
and varigated with spots.
Thare is three chairs-cane sectors !;
one il rocker, and all three is busted.
Thare il matchbox, empty.
Thare il no kurtin to the window, and
there don't want to be any; yu kant see
out, and who kan see in?
The bell rope iz come oph about six
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed il modern slat bottom with
two mattresses, one cotton and one husk,
and both harder and about az thick az
sea biskit.
You enter the bed sideways, and kan
feel every slat at once, az easy az you
could the ribs of gridiron.
The bed il inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but roll over good deal.
For breakfast, you have a gong and
rhy coffee too kold to melt butter; fried
potatoes, which resemble the chips that
u atwo:inch augger makes in its journey
through ansoak log.
Bread soiled; beef-stake about as thick
az blister plaster, and az tough az
hounds ear.
Table covered with plate a few scared
to.death pickles on one ov them, and six
fly endorsed crackers on the other.
A pewterinktum castor with three bot
CleS III III, JUG HiCNouo any PHPFoA III ~
one without any mustard, and one with
two inches of drowned flies and sum vim
egar in it.
Servant gal, with hoops on, hangs
around yu earnestly, and wants to know
if yu want another cup ov coffee.
Yu say, "No mum, thank yu," and
push back yuro chair
Yu havn't eat enuff to pay for picking
yure teeth.
am about as se1f.censeatcd az it will
do for man to be and not crack open,
but never yet eonsaitcd that i could
keep hotel; I had rather bo highwey.
man than to DO some landlords have
visited with.
Tharo are hotels that are joy upon
the earth, whcre q man pays his bill as
- bo i;4 f1,a no roop ,rLo p,or