The Portland daily press., 1871-07-18
ClippimRs,

A social glass to which ladies' are addicted
The mirror.
He is good man whose intimate friends
are all good.
Why is mouse like load of hay? Be.
cause the cat'll eat it.
he who waits to do great deal at once
Will never do anything.
Ihey say marriage is the end of some peo-
pies trouble-whIch end though?
Counter r-irritants-peopie VINO examine the
whole stock and buy nothing.
Why is the Prince of Wales like chignon?
Because he is the heir apparent of the crown. :
Some reckless fellow defines tippling to be
holding communication with disembottled
spirits"
Equality" says French writer, "means a
desire to be equal to your superior, and supe-
rier to your equal"
An ingenious mode of transacting the duel
ist business. suggested by an English novelist,
Is Ior the combatauts to swallow poison and
then toss mp for an emetic.
A sehoolboy, having worry ,sov,l-naturrdfy
helped another in difficult lesson, was anpri-
ly questioned by the teacher: sWby did von
work his lesson?" ''To lessen his work. re-
piled the youngster.
When you make cider, select nothing but
the soundest turnIps, chopping them into sled
lengths before grading them. In boiling
your cider use plenty of ice and when boiled
hang up il the sun to dry.-H. Greeley.
1t has been so often assumed and asserted
that Shakespeare knew everything, that we
are very grateful for little rebutting testi-
mony. Some one af6rms that when Prof.
FELTON,, reading "a Midsummer Nights
Dream" to the captain of the ship OF which
he was passenger, came to the description
)barOO on q for lief
to mermaid on a dolphin's back, the sea-
man was disguised. "The dolphin's back.
said he, sis as sharp as a razor, and no mer-
maid could possibly ride the beast unless she
| first saddled himp
'John Rogers nine children and one at the breast,
% Were but nine as make II" SAID Harry
"Or there would not have been one 10 carly"
"Patty," lady called to little girl who
was in the parlor, "did yon tell your mother
that was herep 'Yes'm.o answered PATTY
demurely. And what did she say ?" She said,
"Oh, that dreadful woman againw
ingenious and thrifty Chicago gamins make
| money by initiating the warble of cat under
| the windows Of nervous people, and selling
the boots aud boot-jacks that are thrown at
| them.
A Chicago man, taking siesla on the
| grass, was bitten by q snake. Happening to
have the remedy with him he swallowed about
| quart of it, and recovered from the snake
bite, Ibrt died few days afterward of delirum
tremens.
A hack-driver in Chicago, who was arrested
| for cruelty to a miseIable-looking horse, was
asked If he ever fed him. ever fed himf
| that's good 'un," was the reply. "He's got
bushei aud a halt of oats at home now, only
he ain's got time TO eat 'em."
A South Bend, Indiana nan married girl
| on sight, and for few months she~ made It
lively for him, holding semi-weekly clawins
soirees, in which he became nearly bald. Re
| turning from work one noon, lately, he was
set back by finding the carpet torn to shreds,
| the stove tipped over, crOckery and furniture
| smashed, and a note from his tender spouse.
/ saving that "he could get along Just as well
without her, and thst she had left matters IN
good condition for him to keep on house
keeping" A vein of delicate irony which he
didn't appreciate worth cent.
| A Norwich man is very angry with his wife,
He bought an India-rubber air bel. She did
not believe it was healthy to sleep on q mat
tress that was not ventilated, and so, during
his absence, punched about fifty holes in it,
That husband has lost his faith in woman's
ingenuity.
A lady made call upon friend who had
lately been married. When her husband
| came to dinner she said, "rve been TO Mrs.
Simson's." "Wel," replied the husband, II
suppose she is very happy" Happy! Well,
| should think she ought 10 De; sne has q
cameIs hair shawl two-thlrds oorder."
A clergyman who was recently discoursiuQ
upon the alarming increase of intemperance
. astonished his audience by exclaimng, "A
young man in my neigdborhood died very
! suddenly last Sunday while was preaching
the Gospel In beastly state of intoxication
| Moral: clergymen should study grammar