The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-01-17
Il U M 0 r 0 U S IT E NJ s.

Bsig" A young lady in Boston recently
tried to do up her hair with honey comb
to make it look "sweetly."
bey" " My boy, what does your mother
do for living was asked of little bare.
footed urchin. "She eats cold victuals,
sir"
Rs3y" An auctionecr, in recent hand
bill, advertises for sale large quantity of
oil-paintings, "by some of the ancient
masters of the day."
Eeg' Well, Mrs. Smith" said Mrs.
Jones, if I'm anything, I'm Unitari-
an what religion are youp 81 amt
quite certain what they calls it, but my
old man says he'sa vegetarian"
Bsag~ An Irishman who had blistered his
fingers by cndeavoring to draw on pair
OF boots exclaimed, 81 believe shall new
er get EN- on until wear them dav or
two"
Deg" At the Louisville depot a lady re-
Gently alarmed every one by exclaim-
" | have certainly got the cholera.
1t was shortly decided however to be
chotero-jn.Jdntam, and was named Louis.
bs1" Big Sister, o papa [ must 90
and hear Nilsson. You know I'm so
fond of music" Juvenile Brother tri-
umphantly.-"Then why don't you let
mc play on my drum ?"
Rayo A lady, who had been reading
law, is in the most fearful and agonzinC
doubts about the legality of her married
condition. She says, . lotteries are IL
legal, and marriage is the greatest lot
terry in life"
Rsly" If you pass house at ten o'clock
at night and see young man and young
lady standing inside the front door, and
you hear something smack, like a horse
pulling his foot out of the mud, then you
can just bet all you've got that the young
man don't live there.
GE1" An exchange tells us that " in
Columbus City, Iowa. there is a young
lady who boasts that her lovers collar
almost goes around her waist" That's
nothing there is girl in this place who
has lover whose arm goes around her
waist but still she don't tell of it.
Es5" Said the psamist, He maketh
my feet like hind's feet" A negro
preacher read it "hen's feet" and pro-
ceeded to say, Dat hen in the hen
roost when it falls asleep tightens it's grip
SOS not to fall off; and dats how true
faith, my bredren, holds on to the rock"
Bsa3-' The liberal hearted proprietor of a
lager beer saloon recently lost his pocket
book containing 5000. 1t was found and
returned by young man and the graft
fled Teuton thus gave vent to his delight
" Bob you is one honest man. tells you
what III do; I'll shake you for dc lag
err"
Dsa3" say, milkman, you give your
cows too much salt| "Why, how do you
know how much salt give thcm?" '"I
judge from the appearance of the milk
you have brought us lately. Salt makes
the COWS dry and then they drink too
much water-that makes their milk thin
you know"
beD~ The following is the conclusion of
an epitaph on tombstone in East Ten
nessee: "She lived a life of virtue and
died Of the cholera morbus, caused by eat
ing green fruit in the full hope of bless
ed Immortality, at the early age of 21
years I months, and lG days. Reader,
so thou and do likewise"
RSD" Scene at meeting in Preston,
England TAX thi hat of" said one
fellow in the crowd to another in front of
him. "What for 7" Why, aw cannot
see" % Well, if aw tax my hat off thou'll
be worse off than ever My yare is teen
inches long, and it stands up straight Pve
put my hat on to keep it down"
seS" A man who wanted to buy horse
asked a friend how to tell horses age.
:" BY his teeth" was the reply. The
next day the man went to a horse dealer
who showed splendid black horse. The
horse-hunter opened the animals mouth
and gave one glance, and turned on his
heel, " don't want him" said he, he's
thirty two years old" lie had counted
the teeth
SeS- A man stopped at hotel at Pixies
Peak, and on settling his bill the land
lord charged him 81 day for five days.
" Didn't you make amistake 2" said
the guest
No." said the landlord.
You did," retorted the wiry-looking
fellow "you thought you got all the
money I had hut Won arc mistoEon.