Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1871-09-01

A few,Simple Rules for. Railroad
Travellers.
BY JEHIAL SLAB.

bag. The latter you will fill with shirts,
medicines, stockings, patent Office reports,
campaign documents, magazines, old
letters, and other articles handy to have
ON journey.
I'd. You will chew tobacco.
Sd. AS the train approaches, place
about five cents worth of the weed in
your mouth, and then edge along so as
to be even with the door of the ladies'
car when the vehicle stops.
4th. Get up and stand ON the plat
form of the car next forward till the
people get out of the ladies' car, if you
would be the first in.
If the brakeman says, " forward car,
please" tell him that is just what you
are after Forward of you. Then i'm
prove the time by crowding vigorously
by him, before the surprise wears off his
countenance. He is only railroad
myrmidon anyhow.
9th. Take seat in the middle OF
the coach. 1t don't jolt a fellow half as
much there as it does over the wheels.
Put your sack in one end of the seat and
sit down in the other. Then take out a
book, or paper and read while the ladies
who have followed you are finding seats
9th. If lady comes along and has
no other place to sit-mind you no other
-Tyou can decide that matter by glanc-
ing shyly over the top of the paper,]
take up your hat box and bag, swelling
and tugging at the lap full they give you,
hitch along little, look in slightly
confused way at the nasty puddle you
have already made at your feet, and say
blandly as May morning,
"You may have this seat, madam"
Don't you fear 1t will be perfectly
safe to make the offer. One glance at
the position of that floor will be enough
for her. She won't want it. She will
pass on and sit down on the stove.
One of those disagreeable male travel
ers will doubtless saunter up and ask:
:" Is this seat occupied p
Suddenly widen out as much as you
can and. answer:
Don't you see it is, sir ?"
Speak with such emphasis that he will
involuntarily lift his hand up to see if
his head is get left on his shoulders.
Then he also will pass on.
7th. Between twelve and one o'clock
the conductor and brakeman of the
train will be apt to pass from car to car,
observing, "Ten minutes for dinner"
Get up at once and distribute your
baggage SO as to cover as much of the
seat as possible. Hold it you know.
Then advance at double quick on the
eating works. Death, taxes and rail-
road trains wait for no man.
Hurriedly appropriate everything
within reach.
Then climb up in your chair and go
for everything near your neighbors.
Scald your throat with hot coffee.
Swallow like rooster eating gravel
stones.
Choke till your eyes bulge out like
two old-fashioned bulls eye watches.
Sth. 1t may happen that some stupid
Norwegian female, with half dozen
white-headed dirty-faced children, has
come along in your absence and jumped
claim.
1t may be that abe has quietly set
your sack and hat-box in that uninvit-
ing puddle of yours, filed the seat with
the young ones, as far as it will hold, and
stood the rest upon the place where you
keep your collars and shirt bosoms and
hat and things. 1t would be just like
her.
! You will go for the pile with an as
pect fierce as that of raging Comanche
on the war path.
They will scatter. You needn't ut
ter word. Your feelings will so ami
mate your countenance as to answer per-
fectly for the most active distribution of
that little brood.
Doubtless these rules are defective,
not perfectly adapted to every grade and
condition of people. But l am quite
sure they will average as well, (for the
groundthey cover, } as any yet made. And
as long as fellow can realize the average
of things in this life he ought to be pref
ty well suited.
POTATO FARINA.-A recent Report Of
the United States Department of Agri-
culture says there is a great and increas-
ing demand and unlimited market for
farina or potato -four, which is simply
the dry, evaporated pulp of the ordinary
potato, the winter and more free from
black specks the better. 1t is used for
; sizing and other manufacturing purpos-
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