Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1871-06-22
WIT-AND WzSpoM.
When to advertise-now.

~ nSn uees man impose upon HIM
SELF! When he taxes his memory.
A NashviIleeditor few DAYS ago pub-
llsheo seven line puff for eight onions.
81 thought you told me. doctor that
Smiths fever had gone off?'' ssOh. YES.
out IL and smith went off together
Grandma. u said shrewd child "do
you want some candy?' ',Yes, dear. Z
should Ike some" Then If you'll buy
somo I'll give you half" said Polly.
A young female Fifteenth Amend
nent was recently expelled from the
village school at Oshkosh baeause she
would not allow the pupils to use her
face for q blackboard. +. =.
Them soldiers must be an awfnl dis
honest sci" said an old lady, "for not a
night seems to pass that some sentry il
not relived Of his watch. y =
A young lady who had many admir-.
eFs among the limbs of the law. on he
ing asked how she escaped heart whole.
supposed it was owing to the fact that
I'm multitude OF counsellors there Is
Isafety.n 6'' I1I1s-5 y - =.
"a bachelor of thirty years'' writes to
the Country Gentleman for q receipt Of
bean sonP. A lady correspondent re-
plies, Get wife that knows how to
make it," 2 y = 1o',-
A tellowin Albany is going TO have
his life insured, so that when he ties. he
can have something to live on, and not
be dependent on the cold charities of the
world as he once was.
"This world is all a f1eeting show
said apriest to culprit on the galIows.
''Yes, 7" was the prompt reply; "but If
you've no objections, I'd rather see the
show a little longer" f b -
"Can you give me two halves for dol
lar ~ inquired a loafer, at q retail store.
Certainly, sir,'' said the accom-
lnodating clerk, placing the two halves
on the counter. .r
Tomorrow II hand you a dollar"
said the lJafer, as he pocketed the hal
yes.
At a trial recently the jury returned
the folio wing verdiet:t Guilty, with some
little doubt as to whether he is the
man.
''Wbat object do you see ~ asked the
doctor. The young man hesitated for
few moments. and then replied, at ap-
pears like a jackass, doctor, but rather
think it is your shadow f;frf9 -5.ti
1"Do you mean to challenge the jury?D
whispered lawyer to his Irish client in
California f,s.f...a -. -.-..z
'sYes, be jabbers," was she answer,
''if they don't acquit me, I mean. TO
challenge every spalpeen of fthem.n 1
An exchange tells of an editor who
wenta soldh ring and was chosen cap
tain. One day at parade, instead OF
giving the orders, Front face, three
PAGES forward" (" ne excisim ed: "Cash,
two dollars year, in ADVANCE
Sammy, my son, don't stand there
scratching your head stir your stumps,
or you'll make no progress in life."
"Wby, father, I've heard you say the
only way tn get along in this world, was
to scratch ahead" e,.
A New Orleans jury declared man
to have come to his death by an ''un-
known cart" About on par with
! this is the Philadelphia verdict respect,
! ing man who had been crushed to
death in a mill, when the jury remarked:
mo blame can be attached to the ma
chinery.n
During the examination of witness
as to the locality of the stairs in house,
the counsel asked him: ~ sl'Ial-rl
(which way did the stairs run2p
The witness, a noted wag replied:
"One way they ran up stairs, but the
other way they ran down stairs"
The learned counsel winked his eyes,
and then took look at the ceiling
At large dinner-party In certain
city, lately. the frosty weather had done
considerable duty in supplying con-
versation, when plump, happy look
ing married lady made a remark about
cold feet. -t....
Surely" said lady opposite "Mrs.
-, you are not troubled with cold
feet?d III no So
Amidst an awful pause she naiyely
answered.:
"Yes, indeed, 1 Iam much troubled
but then they are not my own.n l0
"Georgie," !" asked minister Of one Of
his parishioner's little boys, "where is
your sister Minnie?"
"Gone to heaven, sir.n
"What! is she dead?'' .l Ea
sob, no, sir! she went to buy a cents
worth of Matches ,---....
"Why, you said she'd gone to heaven"
i'Wer you said, last Sunday, that
matches were made in heaven; so 1
thought she went there" reiH-ar-.s
"Msry,n said an old lady to her
daughter ''itsis very solmemn thing
to get married." 81 know it is, moth
er, replied Mary, "but it is a sOlemner
thing not to-"
A boy eight years old, in one Of our
public schools, having been told that
reptile sis an animal that creeps," on
being asked to name one, on examina-
tion. day, promptly replied, "the baby"
Mrs. caught her better half kiss
ing the servant girl. The doctor was
sent for. He says he can patch up Mr..
--'s face, but he'll always be bald
headed.
The proprietor of hotel was bust
ling about the other morning with
twenty things to do, when some one
asked him why he didn't call up his
waiter. ''I shan't call him as long as
can help it," replied he, "'for when he
is in bed 1 know where he is, but after
he is up l don't know where to find
him. ..+
Patrick" said gentleman to his
Irish waiter, 81 am going out to-mor-
rOw-cal me at four in the morning."
"Yes," replied Pat, "but won't yer
honor have the goodness to ring the
bell, that l may wake in time"
A Connecticut man has found asure
cure for the devastaionl Of the currant
worm. He sprinkles his bushes with
whisky; the worm becomes drunk,
gets to fooling around and finally falls
off and either break his neck outright,
or cripples itselfs so that life becomesa
burden.
The writer of an obituary notice of
an estimable lady said that the be-
reaved husband was "hardy able to