South-eastern Independent. (McConnelsville, Ohio) 1871-1871, 1871-07-14
Miscellaneous.
Oats.
By JOSH BILLINGS.

OATS are singular grain, perhaps
should say plural, bekauze thare il more
than one ov them.
THY gr5 on the Top ov straw, about
two foot, and one-quarter inches hi, and
the straw IL holler
This straw il interesting for its suck
shun.
Short pieces oY it, about 8 inches, or so,
dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler,
will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4
minnitts, bi the watch
l never hav tried this, but kno lots ov
young, and reliable men, who stand around
ready to prove this, if sum boldly will
fetch on The eob6Ief.
This suckshun IL sed to be a ded sure
thing.
Oats gro on the summit ov sum straw,
and are sharp at both ends
They resemble shu pegs in looks, and
-btild, and it IL sed, are often mistaken for
them by near sighted hosses and shuma-
kers.
don't intend this remark az any deroga-
tiveness to shumakers in the lump, for
have often sed, in mi inspired moments,
If couldn't be shumaker, would like
TO be a good lawyer.
Oats are phuny grain, quarts ov them
a stage boss laffs, you may know he is
tigklcd somewhare.
This IL the natur ov oats az a beverage,
they amuZe the stummuck ov the hOss
with their sharp ends, and then the hoss
laffs.
haY never saw a hoss laff but hav
heard that it could be did.
Thare IL crate menny folks, ov good
moral karakter, who wont believe emmy
thing unless they kan see it, theze kind ov
folk are always the eazyest to cheat
They wont beleave rattle snaiks blight
IL pizon until they tri it; this kind ov in
formashun alwus kosts more than if iZ ak
tually worth.
1t IL middling wize man who profits |
bl hlz own experience, but it IL a good /
deal wizer one, who lets the rattlesnaik |
blight the other phellow.
The Goddess ov korn IL also the God |
dess ov oats, and barley, and buckwheat.
Her name iz Series, she IL mithological |
woman, and like menny Wimmen now |
daze, she IL hard to lokate.
Theze MYTHOLOGY men, and wimmen,
work well enough in poetry, WHARF good
deal of ieing don't hurt the sense, but
when you come right down to korn in the
ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and |
goddesses In the world, kant warrant a
good crop.
1t takes labor to raize oats, and thrash
them out, but ov al the lazy cusses that
hav pestered the earth, since Adam was a
boy, the gods, and the goddesses, hav al
ways been too lazy to swet.
Emmy being who haint never swet, don't
kno what ne is worth.
would like to see a whole parcel ov
theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest
field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of
August; they couldn't earn their pepper
sass.
Oats are sold bi weight or mcclure, and
are seldum (or perhaps may say in conf
dence never) sold by count.
Eggs, and money, are counted out, but
oats never.
1t would be well for nu beginners to re-
member this, it would save them a good
deal of time on every hundred bushels oV
pats
Time iz said tew be the same az money,
# this il positively so, Methuseler died
ritch
Methuseler was exackly 999 years old
when he died, now multiph this bi 365,
which would only be allowing him a dol
ar day for biz time, and yu will find just
what he weZ worth.
Oats are worth from 40 to rs cents a
3ushel, ackording tew their price, and aint
good for mutch, only tew tickle hoss.
They will choke goose to deth quicker
han paper ov pins, and ennything that
viii choke goose to deth ii mean on the
internal side oV their thrut) il, to say the
east ov it, very skarse.
Speaking ov goose, hav found out at
asst what makes them so t1ff, it il staving
Dut so mulch in the cold.
] found this out all alone by miself
Oats are very easy krop tew raize.
All yu hay got TO do, to raize oats, iz to
plough the ground dep, then manure it
well, then sprinkle the oats all over the
ground, one in a place, then worry the
ground with a drag all over, then set up
mites to keep the chickens, and wood
,hucks out ov them, then pray for some
rain, then kradle them down with kTadle,
Lhen rake them together with a rake, then
bind them up with band, then stack
Ihem up with a stack, then thrash them
put with fail, then clean them up with
mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with
4 knife, then stow them away in granery,
then spend wet days, and Sundays, trap
ping for rats, and mice.
1t aint nothing but phun to raise oats
try it.
One ov the best ways tew raizs sure
crop ov oats, aud tew git good price for
she crop, IL tew feed 4 quarts oy them to a
shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster
and sell him for 25 cents a
pound, crop and all-Ne0 York Weekly.