Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1871-12-19


dershirt, new style pannier and
some toilet soap named after him.
| An Atlanta, Ca, boy ate thir-
teon apple-dumplings for dessert one
day last week. The boy and the
dumplings were buried in one grave.
"A local poet indited sonnet to
his mistress, entitled, 81 kissed her
sub rosa" The compositor knew bet
ter than that, and set it up in print
er's latin, al kissed her snubnosa."
| A little girl, not far from Sche.
nectady, after noticing for some time
the glittering gold filling in her aunts
front teeth, exclaimed "Annt Mary,
wish l had copper-toed teeth like
yours"
An old lady walking with her
two grown-up daughters on MOON
light night, displayed her knowledge
of astronomy by pointing heaven
ward and exclaiming. "Oh my dears,
do look at them beautiful stars, Jun.
iper and March 70
An old farmer said to his sons
"Boys don't you ever wait for sum-
nit to turn up. You might just as
well so on an sit down on a stone in
the middle of medder, with. q pail
atwixt your legs, an wait for cow
to back up to you to be MIXED"
-"Mar, why don't you speak ?"
asked little Jake. Why don't you
say suthin' funny p "What can
say? Don't you see I'm busy frying
doughnuts? Funny indeed y Well,
can't you say, Jack, won't yon have
cake? That nd be funny for you"
"A countryman, walking along
the steets of town, found his pro-
gress stopped by close barricade of
timber. What is that for ?" he said
to per@ on in the street. oh that's
for to stop the cholera" "Ah,
have often heard of the board of
health, but | never saw one before"
--"Sambo, is your master q good
farmer?' ooh, yes, massa fuss rate
farmer; he make two crops in one
year" How is that, Sambo 2"
'Wby be sell bis hay in dc fall, and
make money once den in de spring
he sell de hides of de cattle dat dide
for want of de hay, and make money
twice"
=" What are you disturbing the
whole house with your yells in this
way for ?" demanded q Saratoga
landlord Of guest whom he found
late at night seemingly in active pur.
suit OF invisible foes. Elm shouting
the battle cry of fleadom," answered
the guest, as he went ahead with his
search.
Alta concert in Boston, not MANY
years ago, the leader became in
censed at one of the orchestra, shout
ing, "Loudor? louder I" to him, until
the poor player could stand it no
longer. He dropped his instrument.
and turned to the audience, saying
ats all very well to say, "Louder,
louder but where is dc ,oind to come
from ?"
An ingenious German has gained
great reputation in New York by
his training coach horses to a grand
gait. He uses no burrbit or other
cruel contrivsnce, and people could
not see how he did il, until it was
found that he put magnifying cog.
giles upon his horses, which made
cobble-stones look like boulders, and
they acquired grand tread by try.
ing to step over them.
Georgia witnesses have cheer
full mode Of explaining their testimo.
ny. The plaintiff in case in one of
the courts there altered, and amend
ed, explained, and expounded, but all
to no purpose, as the lawyer either
could not or would not understand.
II want YOU" he said, "to show me
how the assault was committed, 80
that | may have a correct under
standing of it," The plaintiff sprang
up instantly, siezed the legal gentle
man by the coat with both hands,
pressed him back across the bar, and
shook him violently, to the amuse-
ment of all present, and the entire
enlightenment of the lawyer.
A story is told of an editor who
died, went to heaven, but was denied
admittance lest he would meet som
delinquent subscribers, and bad feels
ings be engendered in that peaceful
cline. Having to go somewhere, the
editor uext appeared in the regions
of darkness. but was positively re-
fused admittance, as the place was
full of delinquent subscribers. Wea-
rily the editor turned back TO the Ce-
lestial City, and was met by the
Waterman at the portals with smile
who said; 81 was mistaken, you
can enter now there is not q delin.
quent subscriber in heaven"
"A man of 20 years, living near
Newport, quarreled with his wife, and,
taking down his shot gun, announc-
ed that he would commit suicide
forthwith. He went into the yard,
lay down on the ground where he
could be seen from the front window,
fred the gun off in tho air and re.
NAMED motionless for an hour, dur
ing which time he siyly watched the
door and window for the appearance
of his grief-stricken wife. "But he
was sadly mistaken" says the old
gentleman's home paper. "They did
not come out to see whether he had
blown the top of his head off or not.
This was more than the old man
could stand he rose up, went into
the house, and made things hot for
the old woman and the children for q
while. He'd show them whether
they wouldn't come out when he had
killed himself"
| GREELEY AS REPoETER.-It is
said Horace Greeley once attempted
to Go up fashionable party after the
Jenkins style, and wrote as follows !:
"Mrs. John Buchanan was unusually
charming, with orange blossoms in