Fayette County herald. [volume] (Washington [Washington Court House], Fayette County, O. [Ohio]) 1860-1???, 1871-07-06
Humorous Paragraphs.

Grandma . said shrewd child, "do you
want some candy9f
''Yes dear. I should ike some.'
Then if you viii buy me some / viii give
you half, said Polly.
81 can marry any girl please, . said young
fellow, boastingly.
VERY true . replied his waggish companion,
''lor You can't please any,
A disreputlble scamp described his deceased
uncle "a greedy old pig Beng asked why
he spoke so of him. he said. because he left
me nothing in his Isl will!''
A gentleman took his country cousin to the
theatre recently. On coming ont, he remarked,
''TheY played well, didn't they?''
The cousin from the rural district looked
round at him. and said;
''Of course they did; that's what they are
paid to do!''
There's practical criticism for youl
A Young lady. recently MARI ed to farmer
one day visited the COW houses, when she thus
interFogated her milk-maid:
"By the-by, Mary, which of these cows is it
that gives the buttermiIk?"
Now, my little boys and girls" )" said
teacher, u want you to be very still, so still
that you can hear pin drop"
In a moment all was silent; when little
boy shrieked out:
''Let her DROP
An Irishmnn leaning againsta a lamp post as
a funeral procession was passing by, was
asked who was dead. 81 can't exactly say. sir
but presume it is the jintleman in thecofl n p
man who had purchased new pair of
shoes, finding the road to be rather rough
one, concluded to put the shoes under his arm
and walk home harefooted- After awhile he
stubbed his great toe, taking the nail off, as
clear as whistle.
"How lueky!" he exclaimed what tire
mendOus lick that would have been for the
shoesi"
A certain lighthouse keeper, newly appoint
ed to a post was told the other day, that com
plants were made against him.
"For what?'' was the inquiry.
"Why," was the reply, ;" they say your lights
do not burn after twelve O'Clock at night
"Well," answered the man. l know they
don't for l put 'em out myself then; for /
thought all the vessels had got in by that time,
and wanted to save the ile.''
An old topper who had attended a scientific
lecture, where the learned professor caused
several explosions to take place from th gasses
produced by water, said ''You don't catcE me
putting water in my liquor after this. l had
no idea before that water was so dangerous,
though | never liked TO take too much of it. /"
Dispatches from various points in Colorado
are delayed by the inconvenient habit the set
tiers have of hanging horse-thieves to the tele-
IT is pleasant. in these torrid days to think
that Capt. Hall takes with him in his Artic
voyage thermometer which will register 80
degrees below zero.
a Cleveland merchant lately received q
package labelled al doz Tom Cats 1t took
him some time to decipher the fact that the in
scriptiO2 meant ia box of tomato catsup.
AN old gentleman living had the bill of fare
passed him by " alter Mt dinner, and evidently
laboring under the idea that somebody was
passing circus bills, told the waiter he'' would
read it after dinner He had hard time
selecting his dishes.
A foot race took place at Cincinnati one day
last week, which was participated in By some
three thousand citizens. They all came out
ahead OF the lunatie who after them with q
carving knife. Some men who have not trav-
eledfaster than walk for years are said to have
beaten the time of that California horse.
There has been an item going around about
hen in Boston laying eggs SO small that
twenty-one of them were put in collar box at
once. That looked like pretty small business
for an able bodied hen, until the author of the
story was discovered. He said it was horse
collar box he meant.
letter addressed "To Eny Prominent
Busisaniss Man Handeling Butchers Stock
Quincy Ills" and containing the following
marginal directions: Post master will pleas
hand this to some fat cattle man." was re-
ceived at the Post-Office in Quincy recently
In accordance with the request, the letter was
handed to the fattest cattle man in the town.
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