The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-29
II U MoRous ITEMS

DGs- Out West trunk factory was
changed into saloon. The keeper mere
ly made d out of the r in the first
word Of the sign.
B6s~ What is the difference between an
entrance to barn, and "a loafer in a print
ing office. One is barn door and the
other is darn bore.
B9~ A "gent" was once asked what
kind of a gal" he preferred for wife.
One, he said, that wasn't prodi-ga1, but
frugal true-gal, and suited to his con-
ju-gaJ taste.
Bsg" A fashionable lady lately dropped
one of her eyebrows in the church pew,
and dreadfully frightened young man
sitting next to her, who thought it was
his moustache.
Ba5- Children are inquisitive bodies
for instance: "What does cleave mean,
father?" -" 1t means unite together."-
" Does John unite wood when he cleaves
it?" Hem, well it means to separate"
"Well, father, does man separate from
his wife when he cleaves to her ?'-
" Hem, hem, don't ask so many foolish
questions, child"
Bsg" once dreamed" said Pat, "that
| called upon the President, and he axed
me me wud I drink. I told him 1 didn't
care if / TUX drop of punch" "Cold
or hot ?" axed the President. Slot,
yer excellency," said and he stepped
down in the kitchen for some bilin' wa
ter and before he got back, [ woke
straight up; and now it's distressin me
that L didn't take it could"
Bsg~ A thirsty gent enters the bar-room
of first-class hotel early in the day.
Landlord, guess I've got sense
enough to take drink this morning"
Obsequious bartender furnishes the
desired beverage, and the thirsty gent
smiles, smacks his lips, and remarks
"Well, old fop, that's prime, but Pm
cussed if I've got cents enough to pay
for it."
R@E" A Clergyman in the country had
stranger preaching for him one day
and meeting his beadle, he said to him.
well, Saunders, how did you like the
sermon to-day ?"
watna, sir, it was rather DER plain
and simple for me-" replied the beadle.
81 like sermons that bejumble the judg-
ment and confound the sense cd, sir, I
never saw one that could could come up
to yourself at that"
Bayr BE my SOUL" says Pat, picking
up a pair of snuffers, and examining
them, That's quare scissors !" "Scis-
sors, darlin," responded his companion,
g sure that's no scissors; that's what they
call snufers." Snufers-for what's
that ?" "Sure for snufing the candle"
"O-oo-oo-oo," says Pat, " l have it
now," and suiting the action to the word,
he forthwith pulled the snuff from the
candle with his fingers, deposited it in
the box, shutting the snuffers together,
exclaiming with wonder-staring eyes
BE ME soul, but it's a nate invention,
isn't it ?"
pSS~" Bridget, bring me the castor-oil;
the baby is sick"
It's all gone, marin tnereS not
drop left" 1
"All gone! Why ! we have not opened
the bottle"
Sure, you have had it every day,
and have seen you use it myself, on
your salad"
Why, you don't mean to say we have
been eating castor oil every day during
the season ?"
Sure you have"
"But didn't you see the bottle was
labeled caster oil?"
"Sure an did ma'am, and didn't !
put it into the castor every day"
BGa A new-fangled system of singing
the hymns has crept into some of our
churches of late years, which frequently
leads to positions, which, but for the sa-
credness of the occasion, would go very
far toward the ludicrous. The favorite
repetition of the first syllable has not un-
frequently been known to result in such
doubtful harmonies as these:
"My poor pol,
Ny poor polluted heart"
And .....ir.t....
"Our great sal, t
Our great sal,
()ur preat salvation notnea -