The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1871-09-08
The Conquest Of America.
From the indianapolis News.

From the indianapolis News.
| The following is supposed to hav
been written in 1892 by Max AdelcI
who was Q witness Of the tcrribl
scenes which occurred at the time O
which the story tells. The Englisl
satire, "rhe Battle of Dorking," sup
piled the suggestion for this tale:
| You ask me to tell you, my chill
dren, Of the events which Immediate
| ~ preceded the destruction of th
once great American Union, and tn
capture of the country by the presen
european rules, and to saw some
tning also Of the cause which led I,
these deplorable results. l under
take the task with heavy heart, TO
when l revert to that terrible tim,
cannot help contrasting our prou,
condition up to that fatal year will
the humiliating position occupie,
now BY the American people. Tn,
story is short one. In the fall o
1877 Horace Greeley, the editor of
newspaper In New York, was electe,
President Of the United States. Tn,
people voted for him because the,
thought he was an honest man
And so he was. But he wa
also vain and weak, and he entertain
ed certain fanotical and preposterou
notions-about agricultural matters
for instance-which he was determin
ed to force upon the people at al
hazards, and despite all opposition
I He believed, among other things
that every man ought to go to the
West to earn his bread, and long be-
fore he was chosen President Inc
used to advise everS body to move 10
that region, as . cure for all the dis
asters that could befall the human
family.
As soon as he reached the Execu-
tive Mansion, which we used to call
the White House, President Greeley
organized an army Of 100000 men,
and proceeded to force the entire
population OF the seaboard States
westward at the point OF the bayo-
net. The utmost violence was u.cd.
Those who resisted were shot down
and their dead bodies were carried
Off to q national factory which the
President had established for max
ing some kind of fantastical fertilizcn.
All the large cities of the East were
depopulated, and the towns were en-
tirely empty. The army swcpt be-
fore it millions Of men, women. and
children until the plains west OF Kan
sas were reached, when the pursuit
ceased and the army was drawn up
in a continuous line with orders to
shoot any person who attempted To
visit the East. OF course, hundreds
of thousands of these poor creatures
perished from starvation. This
seemed to frighten President Gree
ley, and he sent a message to Con-
grcss recommending that 100000 vol
umes of book of his, entitled "What
1 Know About Farming" should
be voted for the relief ofthe starving
sufferers. This was done, and farm
ing implements and seeds were sup
piled, and then the millions OF
wretched outcasts made an effort To
till the ground. Ofthe result OF this
l will speak further on.
in the meantime the President rs
doing infinite harm to the country in
another way. Ills hs..i wsitin. Wa,
so fearfully and wonderfully bad that
no living man could read it. And
so when he sent his first annual mes
sage to Congress-the document was
devoted wholly to the tariff and agri-
culturl-a sentence appeared which
subsequently, was ascertained TO be
Large cultivation of rutabagas and
beans is the only hope Of the Amer
can nation, l am sure" The prin-
tiers not being able to interpret this,
put it in the following form, in which
it went to the world: "The Gar of
Russia couldn't keep clean ifhe wash
ed himself with the whole Atlantic
Ocean once q day" This perver-
sion Of the message was Immediate
ly telegraphed to Russia by the Rus
sian Minister, and the Gar was so
indignant that he Immediately de-
clared war.
Just at this time President Gree
ley undertook to write some letters
to Prince Bismarck upon the subject
Of potato rot, and after giving his
singular views at great length, he
with q statement that if
the Emperor William said that sub.
soil blowing was not good in light |
soils, or that guano was better than |
bone dust he " as 'sliar, william
and slavep or course the Emper-
or Immediately declared war, and |
became an ally Of Russia and of
against which latter coun-
try Mr.. Greeley had actually begun
hostilities already, because the Queen
in her speech from the throne, had |
declared the 1r,bune's advocacy of
q tariff on pig iron incendiary, and |
calculated to disturb the peace of na-
TONS h e-
Unhappily, this was not the full |
measure Of our disasters. The Pres
ident had sent TO the Emperor of
Austria copy Of his book "What |
know" &c, with his autograph upon |
a flyleaf. The Emperor mistook the |
signature for. O caricature of the |
Austrian eagle, and he heartily |
joined in the war against the United |
States; while France was provoked
to the same act by the fact that when |
the French minister came to call
upon Mr.. Greeley to present his Gre
the President, who was
writing an editorial at the time, not
comprehending the French language,
the ambassador for q beg
gar, and without looking up handed |
him a quarter and an order for a
clean shirt, and said to him, "Go West |
youn gman-go West"
So all these nations joined in max
ing war upon the United States.
They swooped down upon our coas- :,
and landed without opposition, for
these exposed portions of our nm
happy country were absolutely de-
serted. The President was afraid to
call away the army from Kansas at
first, for fear the outraged people
upon the plains would come East i'm
spite of him. But at last he did
summon the army to his aid, and il
moved to the enemy. 1t was too late.
Before the troops reached Cincinnati
the foreigners had reached Washing
ton and all the country cast of Ohio.
and had hung the President, the Cab
met and every member of Congress.
The army disbanded in alarm, and
the invaders moved to the far West,
where they found the population
dying of starvation because they had
followed the advice of Greeley's
book to TRY, for your first crop, TO
raise lines, and don't plant more