The States and Union. [volume] (Ashland, Ohio) 1868-1872, 1871-08-02


bones the very first convenient oppor-
tunity that presented itself, l saw
there was no use saying anything, so
went home and went to bed, and all
the rest of the night was dreaming
about rainbows, angels, butterflies, fid-
, dies, widows and doctors, all mixed
up, worse than Dutchman's dinner.
well, Squire, to make short story
of it, made up my mind to have the
widow, or kill myself or somebody
: else.
so made it convenient to be on
hand where she was, upon all occa-
sions. I couldn't eat, nor sleep, nor
work, and if the thing had gone on, |
wouldn't have had sense enough left
to skin rabbit. But 1 was determin-
ed it shouldn't last long, for I'd been
fooled so often by women that I thought
[ wouldn't give her time to think of
anything but me. She appeared to
take to me right sharply, and the doc
tor seemed to mix in with me, but L
didn't consider him no more than a
brush fence, for was so far gone I
thought she couldn't see nobody on
earth but me. Well, Squire, things
went on so for about month, aud one
! Sunday 1 screwed up my spunk and
put the question to her. She sorter
laughed, and she sorter looked one
sided, and finally told me she couldn't
give me an answer just then, but if I'd
call at her house next Thursday even
ing, she'd give me faal answer
Thinks 1, You're mine, just as sure as
there's fiddlers below! Whenever a
woman takes time to study she'll say
yes!' Squire, don't poets say some
thing about the calculation of men and
rats goin' crookedf' p
mice and men, Burns says I an
swered.
well, mice and rats is all one, and
so is men and fools sometimes. asI have
found ont in my travels. I was so
sure she'd have me I went off and
spent all my money for fine clothes,
thinking I would have them ready for
the wedding-and 1 did Confound
that widow, 1 say! Confound all the
Widows! Thursday evening came at
! last, though it was long time about
| it, and over. 1 went, dressed into fits,
and feeling as big as Josh Maynor did
when he was elected coroner. I got
there about dark, and found a right
smart collected, which was not on the
bills, but felt as big and as good as
i the rest of 'em. So I marched in like
blind mule into potato patch, and
took seat by the fire. I couldn't see
anything of the widow, but I kept
looking for her to come in and send
for me, and passed away the time by
cussip' the crowd to myself, thinking
they had no business there, and would
not get to talk to my woman Bit
Presently the door opened and in walk
and whole team of boys and girls,
fixed up savagely, l tell you. [ look
ed around for fiddler, thinking. they
were going to have ball, but l won
dered what they all kept so still for, and
was about proposin' reel, when up
gifts little preacher, and before you
could swallow a live oyster he had
Polly and the doctor tied faster than a
Mexican greaser. could tie bulls
horns! l was soSompletely fummix-
ed that l sat there with my mouth
open like was goin' to swallow the
whole crowd, and my eyes looked like
billiard balls till the ceremony was
over, when jumped up and bellered
4 forbid the concern from being
constituted
you are little too late, my friend!'
said the preacher, as they all com
menced laughing like they had seen
afbinrr y.ory ft,pn1y
'I'll be burned squizzled if don't
be soon enough for somebody YETI
says /, for 1 was mad, Squire, and no
mistake in the ticket. I do believe
could have eat up that doctor quicker
than hungry dog could have swallow.
ed a squirrel skin, if could have had
a fair chance at him. 1t was too bad,
after had fixed up to marry her my.
self, for her to walk right out before
my eyes and marry that great baboon.'
1T was bad, that is a fact said 1.
.'Badp cried he, 'it was meaner than
eating fried coon. l first thought I'd |
90 straight home, but then concluded |
that wouldn't spite nobody, so | de-
termined to stay and see if L couldn't |
get satisfaction out of somebody
You know Pm the devil to get myself
or somebody else into scrape when
I take a notion, and I'd taken one that !
night that went all over me like third |
day chill, so I commenced studyin' /
out some plan. l recollected hearing |
the doctor say that where he came from |
(but the Lord only knows where that |
was) the bride and groom always wash |
cd their faces together before they |
went to bed, as q charm against inf
deity, or some other long word. While !
/ was studying about that spled the
doctors saddle bags setting in cor
ner, so waited till they went to supper,
and then 1 got the bags, and looked
to see what l could discover. Nearly !
the first thing / saw was q piece of
lunar caustic. I slipped it into my
pocket, for had my plan as soon as |
saw it. Well, I watched around till
saw one of the girls go to the water
pail with pitcher, and | went out and
asked her what she was going to do
with it. She said she was going to
carry it into the room for the doctor
and Polly to wash their faces in.
kept talking to her while she was fill
ing the pitcher, and when she turned
her head away dropped the caastic
into it. 1t was then about bed time,
1 got my hat and put out. 1 couldn't
help laughing oil the way home, when
ever Pd think about the next morning.
, well, Squire, they do say that
when that couple walked up the next
morning they both had the hardest
kind of fits, each one thinking they