The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1871-08-05
CONQUEST OF AMERICA.
A Startling TheOrY..American Bat
tlO of DOTkIng.

CURED at the time Of which the story tell
The English satire, 1.-THE Battle of Dorl
ing" supplied the suggestion for this pr
q pheIic tale, We donot think any one wi
4 enjoy the ridiculous humbuggery of III
article more than MIR. Greeley. 1t Is
strong satire upon the usual style in Whic
MIR. Greeley Is criticised by his fellow cd
, tors:
, "lOu ask me TO tell you, my childrel
ofthe events which Immediately precede
the destruction OF the once great Amer
can Union, and the capture OF the COuntr
: by its present European rulers, and to sa
something, also, ofthe causes which led :
these deplOrable results. undertake til
task with n heavy heart, for whenever
revert TO that terrible time | cannot hell
contrasting our proud condition up TO tina
fatal year with the humiiating position
occupied now by the American people
The story Is a short one. In the fall o
1872, Horace Greeley, the editor ofanews
paper in New York, was elected Presiden
Of the United States. The people voted
for him because they believed him to bC
an honest man. And so he was. But ht
was also vain and weak, and he entertain.
ell certain tanatical and preposterOus no.
tions- about agricultural matters, for in.
stanCe-whlCh he was determined TO force
upon the people at all hazards and despite
all opposition. He believed, among other
things, that every man ought to go to the
West to earn his bread, md long before
he was chosen President he used To advise
everybody to move TO that region as cure
for all the disasters which could belall the
human family. -.. .s
AS soon &1he reached the ExeOutitse
Mansion, which we used 10 call the VPA. l.
House, President Greeley organized an
army of two hundred thousand men, and
proceeded to force the entire population OF
the seaboard States westward at the point
of the bayOnet. The utmost violence was
used. Those who resisted were shot down,
and their dead bodies were Carted off to q
national factory which the President had
established for making some kind of fan.
tastlcal fertilizer All the large cities of
the East were depOpuated, and the towns
were entirely empty. The army swept
children, until tho vast plains west of
Kansas were reached, when tho pursuit
ceased, and the army was drawn up In
continuous line, with orders to shoot any
person who attempted to visit the East.
OF course hundreds Of thousands OF these
poor creatures perished from starvation.
This seemed to frighten President Greeley
and he sent u message to Congress, recon-.
mcnding that seven hundred thousand
volumes of n book of his, entitled "What
| Know About Farming" should be vo.
ted for the relief of the starving sufferers.
This was done; and farming implements
and seeds were supplied; and then the
Of wretched outcasts made an
effort TO till the ground, OF the result Of
this will speak further on, |
an the meantime, the President was
doing infinite harm to the country in
another way. His handwriting was 80
fearfully and wonderfully bad that no
living man could read II. And 80, when
he sent his first annual message to Con.
gress--the document was devoted wholly
TO the Tariff and to AgriCulture--a sen.
tence appeared which subsequently was
to be, Large cultivation Of
rutabagas and beans Is tho only hope of
the American nation, am sure. The
printers, not being able TO interpret this,
put II in the following form, in which II
went forth to the world The Gar OF
Russia couldn't keep clean II he washed
himself with the whole Atlantic Ocean
)ncC dayr This perversOn of the mes.
lage was Immediately tclegraphed to
Russia by the Russian minister, and the
J2ar was so indignant that he instantly
declared war. Just at this time President
Greeley undertook TO write some letters
o Prince Bismarck on the subject Of pOta.
o.rot, and, after giving his singular views
Il great length, he concluded with the
tatcmGnt that II the Emperor William
aid that subsoil plowing was not good in
ight soils, or TINT guanO was better than
'Onc.dust, he was II liar, villain
nd n slaveN OF course the Emperor
lsO Immediately declared war and he.
anne an ally Of Russia and Of England,
gainst which latter country Greeley had
ctually begun hostilities already, because
he Queen, In her speech from the throne,
ad declared The 7ribunc'S advocacy of
lriil on pig iron incendiary, and calcu
ltcd to disturb the peace Of nations. I'm.
apply, this was not the full measure Of
ur disasters. The President had sent to
he Emperor Of Austria a copy Of What
know, &c, with his Autograph upon n
y.leai. The Emperor mistook the sigma I
ire for carricature Of tho Austrian
Aglc, and he readily Joined in the war
gainst the United States while France
'as provoked TO the same act by the fact
hat when the French Minister came to |
all upon Mr.. Greeley to present his Gre Z
entials, the President, who was writing
n editorial at the time, not comprehend
ng the French language, mlstook the am |
assador for a bcggar, and, without look. I
ny up, handed him Gquarter and an order 1
Or clean shirt, and said To him: Go West, /
oung mango Westr Soali these m. i
ions made war upon the United States.
hey swOOped down upon our coasts and !.
lnded without opposition for those por.
ions Of our unhappy country were ALSO.
itely deserted The President was afraid
, call away the army from Kansas, at
rst, lor fear theUutragpd people upon the c
lains would come East In spite Of him. |
Iut, ut last he did summon the army to
Is aid, and IL moved TO meet the enemy. |
was too late Before the troops reached q
'incinnati the foreigners had seized Wash G
1giOn and nll the country east Of the I
DhiO and hung the President, the Cabi. a
et, and every member Of Congress. The '
rmy dlsbanded in alarm, and the inva. n
ers moved TO the Far West, where they A
,und the population dying Of starvation i
eCause they had followed the advice Of |
reeley's book to "Try for your first crop,
, raise lines, and don't plant more than
bushel of quicklime in a hill OF