Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-09-14
Humorous Readings.

He who waits to do great deal at once
will never do anything.
People who come to high words fire.
quently indulge in low expressions.
If you're asked to take an egg, and
won't, is that an egg alive reply2
What an unlucky sm.or did-he wooed
and she wouldn't. He cooed and she
couldn't.
The epicurean who made dessert of
the fruits of an enterprise picked his teeth
with the point of joke.
"Oh, mother" said little boy as be
stood looking at lake by moonlight, "see
how the moon sprinkles down on the
water 7"
Massa Christopher Columbus was
queer man." said negro orator. ga no.
ton crossed him one day, and den he
crossed an ocean,"
The most snitable window for a single
lady when on the look -out-A bow.
When do mems heads resemble their
dwellings? Vixen they are covered with
tiles.
J Put money in thy purse, as the pick
pocket said when he robbed man of an
empty one.
A newspaper advertisement calls for
plain cook, able to dress little boy five
years old.
Oh, Nanny, wilt thou gang VII me2 as
the fellow said when he was trying 10 steal
goat.
What parts of the body are most useful
to carpenters ?-The nails.
When is water most liable to escape?-
When it is only half-tide.
When does man impose upon himself!
When he taxes his memory.
Washington Irving once said of POM
pous American diplomaust: "Ah, he is
great man; and, in his own estimation,
very great man, man of great weight.
When he goes to the West, the East tips
up"
The rite of baptism being about to be
administered TO several infants, a confused
clergyman requested with great solemnity,
that All children having parents whom
they wish 10 be baptized will please to
present them before the altar"
Sydney Smiths kind readiness in sug-
gesting notices for his friends is well
known for instance, when a noble lady
asked for motto for the collar of her dog
Spot, he was so good as 10 say, "Yes,
certainly. Out, damned SpOtp'
A Philadelphia journal relates how
lady in Indiana applied for divorce on
the ground that her husband was ''con-
founded fool,'' and the Judge said that if
the plea were allowed, every man who
married would be liable to the same i'm
putation.
A drawing master, worrying his pupil
with contemptuous remarks upon his lack
of ability, ended by asking: s'Now, sir,
If you were going to draw me, what part
of me would you commence frst?" The
boy, with meaning look into his masters
face, answered very quietly :"Your neck,
SIR"
One of ''our young girls" at an exam
ination in grammar, the other day, when
asked why the noun "bachelor' was
singular, blushingly answered: Because
it is very singular they don't get married"
She went up to the head.
A jury in North Carolina, after being
charged in the usual way by the Judge,
retired TO their room, when a white Juror
ventured 10 ask colored associate if he
understood the charge of the Judge.
HGollyr' exclaimed the astonished juror,
''He don't charge US muffin for dat, does
he? Why, thought We was gwine to git
pay"
Jonathan and Paddy were riding to-
gether one day when they came in sight
Of an old gallows. This suggested TO the
American the idea of being witty at the
expense of his Irish companion. "You
see that, l calculate" said he aand now
where would you be if the gallows had IFS
due?" "RidIng alone" coolly replied
Paddy.
1t has been reported that among the
decorative carvings of the church az
Hartford, Conn, erected in remembrance
of the late Colonel Coli of revolving men,
memory, representations of pistols are not
Infrequent as if the Christian dispensa-
ton had promised "not to bring peace on
the earth, but pistol and the unregen-
crate Of those parts called the edifce
'The Church of the Holy Revolver"
A little boy having broken his rocking
horse the day it was bought, his mother
began TO rebuke him, and to threaten TO
box his ears. He silenced her by inquir-
ing, "What is the use of good hoss till
it's broke?'
"I'm not used to begging" said little
girl to a lady of whom she had asked
aims, "cause only two weeks ago nv
father was a merchant ~ "Why, child,
how could you be reduced TO poverty so
soon2' my father took a had two
dollar bill at his peanut stand, and it
ruined him." sobbed the child.
While Gov. Perham was transacting
business with a state official, the other
day, young son entered the room un-
and proceeding at once to
his father. asked him rather loudly for
money. The governor, being busily en-
gagged, and wishing to silence his bolster
,us demands, said TO him: "My son,
De quiet / have 20 money" The little
ellow placed himself in theatrical atti-
ude, with one foot advanced and arms
lkimbo, and looking his father in the face,
aid: "Well, this is pretty how dye
10; governor of Maine, and no money!"
md went off whistling, with look Of
mingled wonderment and disgust at the
poverty of the chief magistrate.
EFFECTS OF OyERwoRK. - Oyerexer-
ion, either of mind or body, sometimes
.ppears TO tell sharply on q succeeding
Ao