Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-08-10
Humorous Headings.

.as u -l boz. g..
The balloonist's motto--air OF naught.
The worst thing out--out Of temper.
The best sea -weed-La cigar on tn,
beach. go. t'sa -E .-.--ssE
When fish are rare, even a crab is a
fish. =s a.. E-.ar f.rr.a .~...
Where should post-men be buried :
In a postscript. 7 az .E. ssas ...t
g A social glass to whIch ladies are ad-
dieted--the mirror. Ef s....-sa.....
What is the cause of the saltness of the
water Of the oeean2 The Goldfish.
A curious correspondent wishes to
know how G. O.. ID. oil is expressed
What is. it that goes up the bill anI
down the hill, and yet never moves The
road. r. -..L D.. r.-.er 3. .sy
Why are young ladies so partial 10 sun
set and twilight 2-Becsuse they are
daughters Of Eve. ....... .-.. -
If a bird in the hand Is worth two in
the bush, it is no less.true that thorn in
| the bush is worth TIVE in the hand.
.WWhy should the speaker Of the House
wear spectacies 2-Because SO many at
tempts are made TO " catch his eve"
An Indiana man demanded of drug
gist some I" tinker's VIOLIN" the other day,
and the druggist found, after vast
amount of questioning and cogitation, that
he wanted tincture Of iodine.
That "beans grow big in them parts"
was the observation of a countryman to
his doxy, upon sight Of a string of bananas,
when he went to circus at New London
the other day. sat.. s!. r~E
.-TTis a solace for the man, who is
never happy Dlessshe.is winning or los
ing, or making a wager, to recall the wit
ticism, " A man VINO don't bet is as bad
as. the man that does, or, at least, he is no
better
"A lawyer in New Orleans, seeking
to inpeach the testimony Of the witness,
said !: !" Are you not in the habit of drink
ing ?'' % Sure, yer Honor, | would choke,
Ielse,' was the prompt response.
-" Ny DEAR" said husband to his
wife. "I'm going to start coffee plant
alton How'll you get the land 2"
:" Oh, there's no truble about that | al
ways have plenty of coffee grounds in my
cup" g.. -...-.. .....-.--
% =" The crazy e1.King, George of
Hanover" we are told by an European
correspondent, " amuses himself by sleep
lag in his coffin This is shocking,
though we have known a man addicted to
" coughing in his sleep" .... ...I.
Deaf and d1mb clerks are on trial in
some of the departments at Washington.
There is no reason why they shouldn't
succeed. Dumb waters were introduced
in all the leading hotels long ago, and
have satisfied everybody. ....-....'.
AT dinner of an Irish association
not long since, the following toast was
gwen : " Here's TO the President Of the
society, Patrick O'Raferty, and may he
live to eat the chicken that scratches over
bis grave" - -E. -..- s.e.. %
/. A Mobile paper is indignant at a
contemporary for announcing that "Moblle
IS the fourth cofee-pOt In the country"
Investigations proved that q cotton port" "
was meant, but things got mixed
An observing individual in a verv
healthy village, seeing the sexton at work
in hole in the ground, inquired what he
was about. Digging a grave, SIR"
"Digging grave! Why, | thought peo-
pie didn't die often here-do they2" o
no, sir they never die but once"
Thomas, L hare.always placed the
greatest confidence 10 Ven. Now tell me,
Thomas, how is it that my butchers bills
are so largo, and that j always have such
bad dinners2n "Realiy, sir. i don't
know; for am sure wepeyer have any
thing nicein the kitchen that We don't
send some Of it up.in the psrlOr."
The Blackshear GeorgiGa tells of an
old gentleman in that section, hundred
and three years old, who can stand off
two hundred and fifty yards with rife.
and hit the bulps-eye eight or nine times
out OF ten. Unless the bulls down in
Georgia have eyes as large as the turn
table at the end Of broad-guage railroad,
We would much rather the Georgian
wouldn't send any more stories of that
sort up this way without sending the nee
essary afidayits along with them. .a
An old negro made application at
one Of the public buildings in Washington,
a short time since, for something to eat
and claimed that be had right to come
there for vituals. The head of the depart
ment was called in, who asked The dar-
key upon what right he based his claims.
"Whyp said the sable representative of
the Fifteenth Amendment. III under
stand dar's provisions in de constitution
for de colored folks, and havn't had tho
fust erumb.m g. ,s .sar s-.
In famous horse case in Blnghamp-
ton, N. Y, the attorney asked veterina-
'ry surgeon, "Haye you ever made any
examinations in the abdominal region2"
to which the witness replied: nNo, all
my examinations have been made in
Broome County"
-"Don't you think my son resembles
.mef' asked an apothecary, as he intro
duced his greasy-faced.boy to the witty
Doctor h. - tl-t~,-a
@Yes,n replied the doctor, pretending
to scan the physiogonly Of each 'syes, I
see your liniments in his countenance."
1t was .Coleridge who said of
school master who was fond of applying
the birch, that it was lncky for the cher
ubim who carried him to heaven that they
were all heads and wings. - ise'9