Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-02-17
HnInOr.


HnmOr.
Cheap meat-chop fallen.
Grain elevate s-rye cocktails.
A word to the wise-remain So
A man full Of spirits-a distiller.
An attached couple-a pair Of oyster
shells.
When is tea like work of art? When
lis drawing.
How to make time go fast-use the spur
Of the moment.
Marrying an editor is denominated pa
per wedding.
Why is a sword like beer? because it's no
use till it's drawn.
It is an even chance now, whether man
gets into State Prison or Congress.
The worst kind of education be brought
up by policeman.
Life is the greatest Of couundrums, be-
cause everybody has to give it up.
IF sixteen drachms make one ounce, how
many will destroy all scruples?
A puzzling question is about to be deba-
ted by the Chicago bar. 1t is: "What may
lawyer do for money!"
The Dubuque Times styles Beecher's late
sermon in opposition to endless punishment,
"The Excelsior Fire Extinguisher."
1t is said that the Chinese knew how to
steal, five hundred years before the Radical
party was born.
People engaged at the mint ought to be
rich, for the simple reason that they know
how to "make money"
A Western John Smith has discovered
that no one of the name has ever held aoy
high office or been hung
A wag speaking of blind wood sawyer.
says that ''while none ever saw him see,
thousands have seen him saw"
" You want nothing do you ?" said Pat.
''Bedad, an if it's nothing you want, you'll
find it in the jug where the whisky was
A Princeton Illinois saloon keeper has
temperance pledg behind the bar, and does
his best to induce dead beats and lOafers to
sign it. ...---..
Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the
pledge like a Skeptcal Hindoo? Because he
is in doubt whether to give up the worship
of the Jug or not.
A Western editor, in response to sub
scriber, wlo grumbles that his paper was
intolerably damp, says that is because there
is so much due Oh it,
A Detroiter who took flask Of whiskey
with him on shooting trip, struck race
track in the suberbs on his return, and walk
ed it all night, wondering why he didn't get
to town.
Bed is bundle Of paradoxes; we 90 to
it with reluctance, vet we quit it with re-
greet; and we make up our minds every night
to leave it early, but We make up cur bodies
every morning to keep it late.
At private soiree Of the colored elite a
few evenings since, the following toast was
drank standlng, ana IN silence:
s'To de darkey fair sec: dar face needs
no paint. dar head no fumery"
The best "mixture" for a sick heart is
nine yards of calico, five Of broadcloth,
fo1r arms-full Of humanity, parsons GER
tlcGate of matrimony, a pair of canary birds
and a bundle of green hollyhocks. Try'r.
An excellent old deacon, who having
won an old turkey at charitp rattle, didn't
like to tell mis- severe orthodox wife how he
came by it, quietly remarked, as he hand
ed her the fowl, that the Shakers gave it to
him
A lady Of Williamsport says that she
wishes some one would invent legometer,'
to attach to mems pedals, so that wives may
determine the distance travelled by their
husbands, when they want to '.just step
down to the postoficc.''
Mr.. Lorenzo Day, of Chickasaw county.
Miss, having married Miss Martha week,
local poet comments:
IA Day is made, Week is lost,
But time should not complaint
There IL soon be little Days enough
IL uake Inc W eek again"
"Never," says hen pecked man, "mar-
ry woman worth more than thou art
When l married my wife I was worth fifty
cents, and she was worth sixty two cents:
and when any difference has occurred be-
tween us since, she always throws up the
odd shilling"
A negro preacher holding forth to his
congregation on the subject of obeying the
commands of God, says: Bredreu, what
ever God tell me to do in this book (holding
up the Bihle) dat I'm gwine to do If I
see in it dat l must jump troo stun wall,
Pm gwine to jvmp at it. Going troo it longs
to God; jumping at it longs to me-"
Mother, don't you wish you had tie root
of evil in your garden,?"
"Why, Josh, you sarpent, what do you
mean?"
"As moneys the root of all evil, if we
had the tree couldn't we get all the precious
stuff?''
''Dod you, you pesky varmint. you're
pettin too smart, entirely; that's what comes