The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-08-12


. o'ask'snd'tan 'purp." went down to the river
to give his dog bath. Standing upon rock
at the edge Of the water he threw the dog in.
Not satis6sd with his 6rst attempt, when the
dog swan lahore, he made prodigious effort to
throw the dog further. when his foot slipped and
he followed Kizer. A friend with him, after
several valid attempts to pull him out by the
hair OF his head, finally ''yanksd" him out by the
seat OF the-them thinss-you know "A gen.
tlemsn On Madison street had we'll to clean out,
and hired that prodigy Of intellectual and physi.
cal Ponderousnsss known q "Buffalo Rock
Giant" to do the job for the sum of 81, and the
further stipulation that said Giant, while enga-
ged in the work, should drink nothing stronger
than water The Giant was gently lowered to
the bottom Of tho we'll land small dry goods
box given him to stand upon to keep his feet out
OF the mud and water. In little while the
Giant shouted to his companion at the windlass
''Ssy, Jimmy, would 70 sind me down drink
~ wather?" It was done. The Giant smelt of
it; tasted it and shaking his head in disgust. ex.
claimed, 'Thats mighty thin drink! Jimmy,
would 70 put drop of beer in it to give color 2"
It was sent up and Jimmy did according to in.
structions. The Giant again esssyed to drink, but
was dissatisfied. He again called to Jimmy,
II say, James, wouldn't ye put tayspoon av
fwhisky in this compound to give it aayvor ?"
some beer froth on top. The Clan. drank it
down, and smacking his lips with satisfaction, re.
marked, "Thst's . Oh ade betterw Pretty soon
he called again, Jimmy, give more of those, on.
ly make it stronger" Jimmy filled small beer
glass full Of whisky, and cent it down. The
Giant drank 1. down as though it were new
milk aud heaving q sigh of relief said. BE the
powers. bnt that's illigant! !" Pretty soon the
| Giant's vision grew dim and bis legs began to
wabbls, and then he found the box too small to
stand upon. He foressw what was about to
happen. and shouted, Jimmy, take me up {!
Foul air! Foul (hio) air ~ Then he tumbled
of Of the box into tho mud. jimmy was sent
| down. He fshed tho Gisnt out, sent him up in
. Tub, and they laid him out Oh board to dry
The Giant did not clean out that we'll. He says
tho we'll cleaned him outw. "A little girl
electrified IA, the other day with the informa.
ton that che had calf at home, and she had
named it "Beemus" We were shocked when
| on further inquiry We learned that the calf was
not only Scrub" but also Of the heiier "per-
sussion ".... The other day when out taking
the census We observed half dozen gaily dress.
ed young ladies in garden, in state of wild
excitement On closer observation We discover
ed that they were trying to drive couple Of re-
fractory pigs into pen from which they had
escaped. The ladies were around with such
dreadful weapons Is fans, parasols, bits Of I'M
finished embroidery, &C. Forming in line,
holding up their skirts little with one hand and,
brandishing the aforesaid deadly weapons with
tho other, the fair brigade marched upon the
pige, exclaiming, "Nice little pigs. Go in pig
gy! Go away! Shoe pig! Sh.sh.shoo" To
this the pigs responded with grunt piece and
kept right along roofing up the flower beds On
came the dansels, and at length the pigs finding
themselves in close quarters, instead of retreat.
ing, rushed among the girls and passed through
the line, under hoops, IDENTITY and all! The
ladies screamed aud ran away, and the pigs
quietly resumed their regular business The
hired girl came eat, and observing the situation,
seized . mop stick and declared war thusly;
"Hah! ye young devils, 10 it there yes sre?"
and then she swooped down upon the pigs She
whscked ono over the head, and as soon as be
got through seeing stars. he mad. "bee.lne"
for the pen. and his mate, after receiving simi.
lar dose. followed salt. Moral: Always prose.
cute war with "vigeer," especially as to hogs
1--WE have lots Of fun taking the census,
especially when calling upon the excessively
stylish bon ton. We 60 to the door and pull the
bell. Sometimes it goes of with gentle ting.a.
ling.liug, or it astonishes 10 with loud, sharp
church bell response. We wait until the kitchen
girl has hunted up the housemaid, and until the
housemsid has finished reading her love letter
for tho tsnth time. Then she goes to the glass
aud sees that her chgnon sits level and her front
hair is smooth. Then she puts little more
hour on that red wart on her chin and comes to
tho door. We make our business known, and send
In our card to "misses." She alas has Just got
to that interesting part of the last novel where
| tho amiable valian, always man OF Trains and
courage, has captured and shut up in tower
the heroine, beautiful young lady, generally
with less brains than q canary bird, while the
insipid good young man, her lover, who usually
barely escapes being an idiot has gone blubbering
| to bis mother. She must read little farther,
and ut last she makes her appearance at the door.
We ask her two or three questions and depart.
During the time We have spent here, we could
have gone over q quarter section of "Carey's
Patch" 80. We called 1T a certain house and