The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1871-11-17
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

Hint to mothers-Trest your baby
bindly, but not cordially.
How TO make a hot -bed-Go to sleep
with lighted cigar in your mouth.
| George Sand has written q new nov
Ell, entitled the Rolling Stone" 1t is
Sands Stone.
| A man who can hire to work on q
farm for nothing and board himself.
will just about earn his wsges.-Josh.
a hitherto unpublished medical ex-
perience: Doct0r-"Have you taken
any remedy" Pdtient-"No, but l
took lots of physicP
81 always sing to please myself" said
gentleman who was humming tune
in company. "Then you are not at all
difficult to please" said lady who sat
next to him.
| Somebody, to make Mayor Hall feel
good the day after the election, fastened
on his ofice door flaming placard
bearing the inscription, 1.-THE downfall
of Tammany Hail."
A boy in Oswego has performed a
wonderful feat. He lighted fire with
kerosene with the loss of only two pair
of trousers and the skin of his legs.
Most boys in his place would have put
their parents to the cost of funeral.
A farmer saw an advertised receipt to
prevent wells and cisterns from freez-
ing. He sent his money and received
in answer: "Take in your well or cis-
tern on cold nights. and keep it by the
fire."
Josh Billings says when you COM
mence counting expedition it is the
best way to court the girls mother a
little in the start, as she knows all
about it and will know what you're
good for.
An English journal contains the fol-
lowing brisk advertisement: "Notice.
If my husband, who left Bristol four
years ago, does not return within three
months to his wife from this date, she
intends to get married"
A certain attorney, who was remark
able for coming into court with dirty
hands, observed ''thst he had been turn
ing over Coke" Cooke I" exclaimed a
waggish brother: az should think it
was coal, by the looks of your hands"
A day or two ago some one over
turned chair in Judge Barnard's court
in New 7 ork, when his honor remarked
-"Be careful and not break that piece
of furniture, as il has already coat the
city 100000 to repair it.
A mild-tempered man who had fallen
on an icy sidewalk, picked himself up
with the solilOquy: al don't cherish
the least ill-will, but for interesting
obituary of the man who owns that
aideralk1
81 believe that mine will be the fate
of Abe, said q devoted wife to her
husband one day. "How so ?" inquir-
ed the husband. because Abel was
killed by club, and your club will
kill me If You continue to go to it every
night"
Rev. Dr.-goes In for elegance of
paraphrase. In ringing the changes
upon "He that hath ears to hear, let
him hear" he did q fine thing last Sun
day. ''He that is accessible to auricu-
lar vibration let him not close the gates
of his tympani," said the doctor.
There is pathetic illustration of the
constancy of love in one Of our Western
States, in the shape of an sged couple
who have been engaged to be married
thirty years, and during that time have
uCNCA OCCA O4S "a jail tOECluCT lOHK
enough to have the ceremony solemn
lied.
A good instance of "sharp-practicen
is that of man in Ohio who was &C
Quilted ofmurder on plea of insanity.
He had secured his lawyers by giving
them mortgage on his farm, but now
repudiates the mortgage on the ground
that he was insane when he made it, &C
eording to the showing of these same
lawyers.
A deaf old gentleman, walking lately
in his garden, heard the milkman shout
ing on the other side of the wall. I'm
aginiDg some one called to him, he
cried, "Here!" and turned his ear
trumpet toward the top of the wall.
The milkmsn, in his hurry, took the
trumpet for the servants pail, and deliy-
cred quart of milk therein.
A Detroit husband caught his wife
and the family physician kissing like
young lovers in the gushingest stage,
and offered a few remarks, Whereat the
lady began to cry. The husband in
quired the reason. "Alas, replied she,
81 weep because your utter want of
confidence in me terribly affects my
sensitive nature" He looked thought
full.
/ saw 9 man on Monday night look
ing intently and seriously at his block
of five stories on Water street, then
writhing and roaring in flames. know
him and watched him. His gaze was
riveted. pitied him heartily, for I
judged he was on the verge OF despair.
At last ventured to approach and break
his reVerie. swell, Blake, what are you
thinking Off" said /. "Ah-h!" said
he, with smile, 'T was thinking that
the rats must be catching h-ll."-Chi-
cdgo Letter.
A man was brought before an I'LL.
nois magistrate and lined Sc, so for being
drunk. He smiled blandiy, and draw
ing ont one dollar bill, said: "All
right, Mr.. Magistrate. suppose you
remember that when sold ont my ga
loon in Pekin, had $3.50 on my slate
against You. With this dollar, that will
exactly pay my fine. You must excuse
but / did not see any other way of col
Letting my bill against you.' Exit In
christie. Audible. smiles among the aH-
dience.
At so-called spiritual sitting in
Hartford recently there was present Q
woman who mo1rned the loss Of her
gan to appear, the spirit of the depart
ed Benedict entered upon the scene.
Ofco0rse the widow was now eager to
engage in conversation with the absent
one, and the following dialogue en-
sued:
Widow. aAre you in the spirit
world! 2"
The Lansntsd. AT ana"
Widow. "How long have you bsen
there
The Lamented. "Oh, some time"
Widow. "Donit you want 20 come
back and be with your lonely wife :"
The LAmaated. "Not II know my.
aAiS IHa heA anaaah eHeRaa hGra