The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-03-14


"close, but not close enough to be reach
ed"
Beiy" An Irish editor congratulates
himself that half the lies told about
him amt true"
D9g- " Where are you going 2" asked a
gentleman Of an acquaintance "To see
friend" "Then L should like to 90
with you, for 1 never saw one yet"
DD~ A gentleman who had scoldinp
wife, in answer to an inquiry after her
health, said she was pretty well, only SUBJ
ject at times to breaking out in the
mouth"
DSy~ A Western man being recently in
vited to a seat on the floor of the house
at Washington Indignantly refused say
ing that he was accustomed to sit on
chairs at home.
psg" The editor of newspaper out to-
wards Lake Champlain has discovered
way Of keeping eggs from spelling. His
method is to eat them while they are
fresh Bravo!
BsS- An Evansville youth, after being
fined 5$ for bowling under the window Of
two girls, got licence, and married one
of them right off, quick. He says she
can't get him fined for singing any more
DGy~ An Indiana editor says that he
now believes in total depravity, as some
wretch lately stole his only pair of boots,
which will confne him to the house till
the opening Of the barefoot season.
Bs5" Doesticks thinks it conclusive evil
dence Of drunkenness when he sees a
man " sticking postage stamp behind
his left ear and attempting to get into q
letter-box to go by the mail train"
BG~ What are you doing there ?" in
quired Jack Of Tom, as he caught him
peering through the keyhole. What's
that to you?" said Tom, 4" 1 don't like to
see person prying into other peoples
business"
Bs5" An Eastern paper, in a fit of Rev.
olutionary enthusiasm, says: Hurrah
for the girls of '76w "Thunder !"
cried New Jersey paper, that's too
darned old No, no! Hurrah for the
girls of '17w
R6S" The wit deservedly won his bet
who in company, when every one was
Dragging of his tall relations, wagered
that he himself had brother twelve feet
high. He said he had two half BROTH
ers, each measuring six feet.
1ag" A dairyman was awakened by a
wag the other night with the announce
ment that his best COW was choking. He
Immediately jumped up to save the life
Of his treasure, only to discover turnip
sticking in the mouth of the pump.
D6n Tom, where's that counterfeit
ten dollar bill you had while ago Pr
Well, | never was quite in my mind
about dat dare bill. Some days ago I
thought it was good bill; and one O
dem days, when l thought it was a good
bill 1 jes' passed it away"
Ba~ A gentleman whose nose had be-
come distinctly colored with the red wine
he was wont to imbibe, said one day to
his little son at the table: You must
eat bread, my son; bread makes your
cheeks red" The little boy replied -
Father, what lots of bread you must
have snuffed up~
RG" A candidate for fame proposed to
fly from the North Church steeple, and
had already mounted, and was capping
his wings, to the great delight of the
mob, DR., Byles, mingling with the
crowd, inquired what was the object of
the gathering. I'VE have come, sir, to
see man fly" said one. "Poh, poh, l
have seen horseJly," replied the doc
tor.
Ra~ Fueseli, the painter, had a great
dislike to this species of conversation
know as CATTLE" Once, when sitting in
his room among some trifing visitors who
were discussing the weather and such
like interesting subjects, he burst forth
with "a" We had pork for dinner, to-
day" Dear, Mr.. Fueseli, what an odd
remark" exclaimed one. Why" re-
piled he, it's as good as anything you
have been saying for the last hour"
B6y~ Two travellers having been as
signed to the same bedroom in crowded
hotel, one of them, before retiring, knelt
down to pray, and confessed long cata-
logue of sins. On rising from his knees
he saw his fellow-traveler, valise in hand.
going out of the door, and exclaimed :
whats the matter? What's up Pr
"Oh, nothing" was the reply, 4" "only Pm