Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-05-25
Humorous Readings.
Net proceeds-Fish.

Net proceeds-flsh.
A tale of misery-the cocktail.
An attached couple-Oyster-shells.
self-decapitation-A person liftingl his
head up. .....r .#...
The best thing to give the poor-em-
ployment.
Can ship with two owners be called
partnership
A tea-totaller-The man who drinks
nothing but tea.
Be praised, not for our ancestors, but
for our virtues.
A straight line is shortest in morals as
well as in geometry.
A sure way TO make an Impression
fall down iu the mud.
Human is what every man is, humane
is what he ought to be.
When is fowls neck like bell 2
When it is rung for dinner.
The sting of bee carries conviction
with it. 1t makes a man q bee-leavsr at
once.
Why are types like criminals Because
it is not proper to lock them up without
proof
Printer Boy lode is "on it" again,
yielding 25 ounces of gold from one pan
of dirt.
When does rain become too familiar
with lady? When it begins to pstter
on the back.
A Newark mans wife has had twins,
and he is going to have her arrested for
repeating.
A New York merchant bills his renew
al :-"Gone to Better Place Above-No.
1850.
The man doing business in Chicago
named John B. Poor, is man wbe does
not advertise.
thing about Adam wss q rib, and that
went to make something better.
A conclusive argument against suicide
| Is, that il is the height of impoliteness to
go anywhere till you are sent for.
When is fashionable lady an inexpe.
rienced printer? When she makes
great hustle in correcting her form.
After all there is little choice between
the man who bets at faro and the man
who doesn't, because the latter Is no bet
ter.
| Is it proper to say of an artist just
vereing on delirium tremens, that he is
putting the finishing touches to colossal
bust ?
"Rarer than the phenix," says De
Quincy, sis the virtueus man who will
consent to lose good anecdote because it
is lie."
A minister not long ago preached from
the text, Be We therefore steadfast," but
the printer made him expound from BE
ye there for breakfast u
Somebody mentioned the other day
something about jokes that are ten years
old, whereat party across the room sang
out, inquiring whether such be decade
jokes.
A London merchant, lately deceased,
left legacy of e20 to Gloucester school
master who once gave him thrsshing
that had been a lifelong benefit to him.
An illiterate farmer wishing to enter
some animals at an agricultural exhibi.
tion, wrote to the secretary as follows
Enter me for the best jacksss as am
sure of taking the premium"
A paper lately announced that young
lady received at an amateur concert re-
Gently well deserved encore by the ex-
quisite way in which che sang q song
called "An Angels Whisker."
Whisky is yonr greatest enemy. "But,"
said Mr.. Jones, "don't the Bible say. Mr..
Preacher, that we are to love our ene-
mics ?" "Oh yes, Jones. but it dent say
we are to swallow them"
A tanner having married the daughter
of butcher, the bells were rung in honor
of the occasion. 1t was asked what the
bells were ringing for. "Only a union
between skin and bone." was the answer.
A countryman was observed on Sstur-
day in front of the New Haven telegraph
Office, listening intently. He asked a
pssser-by if that was a clock store, as
there was such a ticking as he never
"heard."
"Why don't you give us little Greek
and La tin occasionally 2" ssked q country
deacon of a new minister. "Why, do
you understand those languages 7" was
asked, mo, but we pay for the best. and
ought to have it."
A man lately made application for in
surance on q building situsted in q village
where there was no fire engine. In an
swer to the question, "Whst are the fscil-
tiles for e1tinguisbing fires y be wrote
"It rains sometimes"
"That you believe you have call to
preach is all very well as far as i goes,'
said an old doctor of divinity to tbsolo-
gical student "but." he added, i've must
wait and see whether people think that
they have call to hear YOU"
In the following strain sings sighing
swain:
aT light my cigar, and
| When the smoke rises
4 Up tn my eyeser,
think of my true love,
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