Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1871-11-18
The Josh Billings Papers.


l don't like tew speak disrespekfulI-
ness again ennyboddys near relashuns,
but l hav made up mi mind that Eve
was phool, and Adam waz bigger
one.
Too mutch religion il wuss than none
at all. Yu can't sho me kuntry that
haz existed yet WHARF the people, all ov
them professed one religion and persekut-
ed all other kinds, but what the religion
ruined the country.
1t IL better tew kno nothing than tew
kno just enutf tew doubt and tew differ.
Charity iz like a mule, good servant
but bad master. When charity gifts
entire controul ov mans affairs, it runs
the affairs and the man both into the
ground.
Selfshness IL the alter which every
man sets up hiz soul and asks his con-
scienc to be high prier ov the cerimonys.
Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty
work ov wisdum, therefore l dispize it,
kant see what woman wants emmy
more rights for she beat the fust man
born into the world out of ded sure
thing, and she kan beat the last one with
the same kards.
The man who kan stand abuse can
generally stand prosperity.
If could only praktiss az we'll az
kan preach, i wouldn't thank man tew
warrent me in this world nor in the world
tew come.
The kream ov a joke don't never lay
on the top, but always at the bottom.
Whenever see man anxious tew git
into tite that don't belong tew him,
am alwus anxious tew hav him, for
know he is certain tew be the the wust
Whipped man in the party.
About all thare IL in mans uatur that
IL natural iz hiz sins, and about all thare
IL in hiz natur that liz cultivated iz hiz
way ov hiding those sins.
Pashunce is ottner the result ov numb
ness than it iz ov principle.
l don't kno how it liz with other
pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Ro-
man empire IL CRATE deal easier tew
bear than fall on the ice.
l am glad ov one thing, that am
keenly alive tew mental and phisikal sut-
fering / had as soon be hydraullk ram
AK tew he able tew sit down and hav a
big double tooth jerked out without
winking.
Thare are but phew men weak enough
tew admit their jealousys, even dis
graced rooster, in barn yard, will git
little further off and begin TO crow up
new reputation.
Thare haz been more men in this world
burnt at the stake for serving the Lord
than for serving the devil, and thare al
wus will be.
l alwus did admire the malice ov the
mule if freak ov fortune had made me
az unfortunate amung men az the mule
IL amung animals, would begin tew
kick at things a mile and halt off
Men no doubt owe mutch ov their
suckcess in this world tew chance, hut
chances don't go tor man, the man must
go for the chances.
Tew work is the CRATE law ov natur, if
the woodchuck don't dig hole he wont
hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but
then sum other woodchuck will hav tew
dig two.
Human happiness il dredful hard
thing tew define, l hav seen man per-
tektly happy without emmy shirt tew hiz
back, bekum suddenly furious bekause
sumboddy had given him one, the collar
ov which want starohed stiff snuff.
Thare IL crate deal ov bad lux lieing
around loose in this world, but it il pub
lick property, it don't belong tew emmy
boldly in particular.
Things haz got so now, if man stops
he is going to be run over, for thare
amt no man w consequentx enuf tew |
atom tho w hola rrocashuu
One ov the very best things man
kan say when he haz reasonable doubts
what he ought tew say, il to say moth
ing.
Sychophants are alwus the fust one
tew be sakrified when disasters KUN.