The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-01-10
The Wilkins Family.

| u N Iho OilSlu VI lndu DOllc JnlHk lc
is but higher grade Of the "What s
it ~ and others that he is only fully
developed clam. | incline to the latter
opinion in the case of certain men who
fritter away their lives in folly and dissi
patton. But the whole subject is II diff
cult one, and peculiarly 50 to the meta
physical mind. This is illustrated in
the case Of young wilkins. who soug' t
the author of his being with the follow
ing inquiry:
Pap, weren't all men M d. by IIc,vei ?
Yes, my child benignly replied the
paternal wilkins; but why do you ask p
o, nothing only | see in the papers
long accounts of selfmade men, and |
thought maybe some Of those fellows had
been a gettin' of their own selves up"
This is the brother Of that other viii
kins, baptized Holofernes Montgomery.
who came home and complained that he
didn't like the arithmetic they had at
school, because he couldn't guess the con-
undrums in it.
Conundrums ~ exclaimed his paren
tai guardian; why, lloolernes Mont
gomcry wilkins, what do you mean 2"
Why, you know that old arithmetic
Of ours is full Of conundrumS and them
things, aud when Mr.. Swisetal asked me
if 12O bushels Of corn will serve four
teen horses tifty-six days, how many
days will ninety-four bushels serve six
horses?' | said give it up, aud he said
| was as stupid as an owl Then he
wanted to know why forty rods make one
rood? ! couldn't guess it can't CUES.
his darned old jokes, you know, and
then he licked me"
" lie was only trying to demou,trate,
my child, that while forty rods make a
rood, one rod sometimes makes one polite
| Louisa, remove this child to bed.
This was the same boy who afterwara
got his teacher foul on the question, " If
it takes four nails to make a quarter how
many carpet tacks will it take to make Il
| ten dollar bill !"
Wilkins has IL taste for these things
1t was during his connection With tie
Utterly Hopeless Mutual Insurance Com
| pany, that he went over to Boston for n
few days, and upon his return was asked
by Smyth, you know him--son of old
Smyth-coal oil man-was asked by
Smyth, Say, Wilkins, where have you
been Tor week back 2"
" | haven't been anywhere for it. !
haven't got IA weak back" and he shot
round the corner
But his great point is in educating the
! min dc nf is Il H.,
had quarrel with his aunt, aud Buce-
phalus Alexander, his oldest child want
ed to know what was the matter he said
it was simply little grammatical error
The relative didn't agree with the ante
cedent.
lie was strong on grammar and when
Mary Jane asked him what Syntax was,
he said the tax on whisky; for Wilkin>
will have his tod whether or no, and he
thinksit amt right to put high duties on it,
Wilkins would sacrifice anything to
joke. When his father died, venerable
friend called to console him upon the los,
Of his parental protector. wilkins sigh
cd and said, = Yes, the old man was good
at that, but now I'm the head Of the fam
lily, and ! suppose Tllhlve to pty-rcntal
in his place" His friend dropped
sympathetic tear, and drove to the funer-
al in a hack.
The elder wilkins died of consumption
and his son remarked, us he saw the re-
mains placed in an undertaker's carriage,
that it was singular that the old man
should first be carried off by hackin'
cough, and alterward by coffin hack -
The undertaken didn't perceive that this
was Il joke until he got to the cemetery,
and it made him feel 50 mad that he
kicked Il dog that lay in his way, and the
dog bit Il chop out Of his leg
is it Il bull dog" said Mrs Wilkins.
"No, love-" replied her husband, " it's
Il ceme.terrier."
But wilkins had brother-in.law NAM
ed Gouge, who ran for Judge in Schuyl-
kill county, and the very first case he
tried was that Of man who owned a
coal mine, but had been a major in the
army. His tailor sued him for u uni
form, but Gougc decided against the tai
lor, that he couldn't have made those
clothes for him, because a miner couldn't
be major.
Gouge was an infdel He was so
skeptical that his own mother wouldn't
believe him, and he gave up the law and
turned spiritualst. He was the medium
who received a message from the spirit of
Daniel Webster, stating that there were
great many errors in his dictionary he
would like to have corrected
1t was before Judge Gouge that Fer