Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-05-26
9mnth fur 8ultlarisfs.

Flat falschood - Lying on your
back.
A sure sign-Wby, the horse-sLoers
TO be sure.
When is a mother a father? When
she's s:gher.
A poor washerwoman says that
while there's life Tiers soap.
Tilton says Sumner refuses to drink |
tcausith Giant. Drink tea" is good.
An cpraged mar tears his hair, but |
an enraged woman tears her hus-
bands.
Pool, the Senatof from North Caro-
lima, is said to be an exceedingly dir
ty puddle.
A down-east wag speaks Of one OF
his neighbors as being "coWed down
like calf"
A bad plan-To have tic weather
cock of a church in the pulpit instead
of on tie steeple.
Tie woman who makcth good
pudding in silence, is better than she
who maketh tart reply.
T 1.-THE cider the seed the worse the
CROP" as the farmer said to a snOb
who was boasting of his ancestry.
A Student in a western college is so
addicted to hardness that he IS known
as ''the late Mr.. Tompkins.'
An exchange feeling the inspiration
of spring says, 1.-THE songs of the
robin are pulsing the rural air.
The difference between school-hoy
and a clerk boy is, that one stores the
mind and the other minds the store.
An old sailor said few day ago:
Il began the world with nothing, and
[ have held my own ever since.
What is the difference between the
cradle and TIE grave? The one is
for the first born, the other for the
last bourne!
Punch says What in a woman is
called curiosity. in man is grandilo-
quently magnificd into the spirit Of
inquiry"
1t is singular that when mans
accounts are in the most crooked con-
Iition, he is said to be in Strengthened
circumstances.
A New York newspaper Describes a
new police station house just opened
there, as a thing of beauty and a
,oy forever"
Smith declares that the only thing
on earth capable Of moving a certain
cross grained old aunt Of his is her
rocking-chair.
4 Newark clergyman recently.
spoke of woman having the pearl
drops of affection clustering On her
checks" He meant to say she cried.
William K. Jones' Nephew" is
| tie style of Connecticut firm. The
Administration Brother Sin Law,
is an extensive firm in the Office hold
ing business.
4 little girl was sent to store af-
Ter can Of concentrated beef, and
surprised the clerk in attendance by
asking for tin thing of consccra-
ted roast Lccf"
IT'S mentioned of an old soldier,
WHO died recently, that ''hi' first
Sickr css was his laSt." Would it not
be m IRE correct to say that his last
sickness was his first!
The strongest propensity in woman )
nature. says a careful student of the
I sex, is to want to know what is going
on, and the next strongest is to boss
the job.
! The radicals are recognizing
throughout the West as The New
Departure Party" New departure
means that they will ''get up and get"
i'll ~, we suppose.
The mother Of large family was
one day asked the number Of her
children. LA, me-" she replied,
rocking to AID fro, 'Pve got fourteen,
mostly boys and girls
Somebody mentioned, the other day
something about jokes that are ten
years old. whercat party across the
room sings out, inquiring whether
snch be decade jokes.
4 business man in a Wisconsin
town has begun the practice of lisp
ing. the same being an inducement
t. customers. lie speaks well of. his
''thusar, thoap, ihider and thyrup."
The Comanche Indians, after nu-
merous unsuccessful experiments.
have given up trying to scalp any f
the colored troops on the frontier
1t is impossible to get a good hold.
Owing to the peculiar arrange
mentS OF the programme. TO piece
can be repeated" was the answer
White received from bis landlady,
upon asking for second piece of pie
at dinner.
A dandy in New York is in a fix
His pants were made so tight for him
that he can't get his boots on, and if
he puts his boots on first he can't get
his pants on. This is case OF gen
uine distress.
lain tgoing to live long. mother"
said woe-begone looking young,ter.
o~e day, to his maternal parent. -
why not, pray?' Because my
pantaloons is all torcd out behind"
was the conclusion.
At the Salt Lake Theatcr, pump
kin pays the admission of two peo-
pie, and they get two carrots in
change Chickens, eggs, oats and
green's. are taken, and the box office
looks like one Of Greeley's widest