Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1871-12-09
A Curisus Persecution.

ATTEMPT TO CONVINCE AMAN OF HIS DEATH
The following story is told by the Knoxville
Chronicle, and whether ii Is strictly true in ALI
Its details is a question on which difference of
OPINION Is likely to prevail. 1t is too good to be
lost, at any rate:
elm Baltimore, a short time ago, the death of
William p. Mooney was announced, and a day
was fixed for his funeral, to which his friends
were invited. 1t seems that there were in the
city two men named William p. Mooney, eacl,
Of whom had many acquaiRtances. Now the
friends Of the living William got an idea he was
dead and 50 upon the day appointed for the
funeral they repaired TO the house named in the
advertis. ment, for the purpose of shedding a
regretful tear or two over the remains OF their
departed friend. The existing Mooney also took
notion To call around. partly to see his dead
namesake andpartly that he might ascertain how
IT felt to attend a funeral at which a William p
Mooney officiated in the capacity of a corps,
He arrived when the services were nearly ended,
and stood out in the vestibule, waiting for them
TO conclude. When all was over some of mi,
own misguided friends started for the street
They were amazed and alarmed to perceive
right in the doorway the figure of the man
whom they supposed to be dead, One of the
party thought it must be the apparition of
Mooney; so he pOked it with his umbrella to as
certain If II was real. This hurt Mr.. Mooney
and made him so mad that he struck the prober
Of ghosts with his cane. Then another OF the
party said to him:
why, Mooney, what are you doing out hereo
man ought to conduct himself better than this
at his own funeral"
"whose funeral? % said Mooney Its none
90. See here, Mooney they all said, why don't
You behave? You oughtn't to carry on so, after
an me good things the minister said about you.
".who are you talking about :" exclaimed,
William p, Indignantly. 1 am as lively as you
".Mooney, this is wrong, urged. the crowd.
this is all wrong. You know you are dead; you
know that your family is Roasting around up
stairs there, crying and going on like mad. You
ought to have more respect for their feelings
he fiOhS
back into your coffin and let the procession
60 quietly to the cemetery without any more
"'Durn the procession calculated the in
censed Mooney, Il am no more dead than you
are
"'NOw, it's of no use arguing the point, Viii
liam said his friends, The notice has been
published In the papers; the undertaken has fixed
you up comfortably in ice; Grape has been tied
at your door knob; the board or trade has passed
resolutions ofrespect to your memory; they have
bought you nice monument to hold you down,
and everything 80 you must be dead. You can't
go back to the board of trade, Mr.. Mooney-now
a. It's a mistake said Mooney; its all mis-
take. Let me explain to you.'
Oh, there's ho need Of explanation said
ms friends; the corpse Is not in order. The
simple fact Is that you are a dead mani Here's
the weeping family; there's the hearse, the I'M
dertaker, the minister and the mOurners aud in
the parlor stands the coffin: Now yOu have got
to g. in and be packed up in that coffin whether
you want to or not. Some men never know
what is best for them. anyhow. We came here to
have funeral, and . funeral we are going to
ave, no matter IL you don't like it. There is no
use Of saying you won't Tor you have got to: so
come along.
"Thereupon they seized Mooney and dragged
him into the parlor. Those who witnessed the
encounter say it was terrific. The report spread
that the corpse was loose, and the undertaken
and the pail bearers all Joined in the fray, and
the combat thickened until Mooney broke from
his tormentors and darted into the kitchen,
where the undertaken knocked him down with a
hat-iron and pinned him to the hoor with a
poker through his vitals until assistance could
be secured. The truth was developed then, and
Mooney was carried carefully to the hospital in
push-cart. When he gets we'll, he intends to
81 arch the directory and ascertain IL another
man named Mooney lives in Baltimore II
there Is such being, William p, he proposes
TO ask the legislature to furnish him with n
chinese name In eighteen syllables, and war
ranted unlike any other in the whole realm of
nature"