The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-05-12
Open to conviction-A burglar.
A lost art-Family government.

open W
A lost art-Family government.
A green grocer-one who trusts.
Steady ON his pegs-A shoemaker.
Financial shaving notes.
The best thing out-an aching tooth.
Coin from natures smint-Penny royal
Fast team-A team stuck in the mud.
A miss Is better than mile-of mis-
ters.
Don't 60 to law unless you have uoth-
ing to lose; lawyers houses are built on
fools heads.
One of the most obedient men in the
world is an auctioneer we know, VINO
attends to everybody's bidding but his
wife's.
CAPTAIN RODGERS, an English officer
In India, has invented tiger trap ITO
he baited by woman" Although this
NAV be cheaper than divorce, it does
not speak well of civilization in India.
Eve was the only woman who never
threatened to 60 and live with mamma.
And Adam was the only man who never
tantalized his wife about " the way
mother used to cook"
An Irishman was once brought up
before magistrate, charged with marry,
ing six wives. The magistrate asked
him how he could be SO hardened a
villain. "Please your honor" said the
Irishman, Il was trying to get good
one.".
SNOW, GENTLEMEN" said Sheridan
to his guests, as the ladies left the room,
''let us understand each other. Are we
to drink like men or beasts?" Some
what indignant, the guests exclaimed,
"Like men, of course" "Then," The re-
piled, tive are going to get jolly drunk,
for brutes never drink more than they
want"
A YOUNG lady once observed, "When
/ go to the theatre, am very careless
of my dress, as the audience are too
attentive to the play TO observe my
wardrobe; but when 1 60 to church l
am very particular in my outward ap-
pearance, as most people go there to see
how their neighbors dress and deport
themselves"
THERE is man in Glenn's Falls who
won't believe any, stories about the sa-
gacity of dogs. He says dogs have not
common sense. In proof of his asser.
ton he relates how he poured kerosene
on dog, and set it on fire, just to have
little fun, as he was lonely during his
wife's absence, and that the dog actual
ly ran under barn belonging to him
and laid there and set the barn on fire,
though the man whistled to him tC
come out. 1t is enough to make man
lose faith in dogs.
Appropos of high rates of interest, the
following:
Who'll ruin the farm?
/, said Itcelue per cent
With direct interest.
I'll take the last cent,
I'll ruin the farmer.
Who'll ruin everybody?
/, said Iiceiue per cent:
When Farmers are SPENT
None can raise cent,
I'll ruin everybody.
- THE LUXURY OF LAZINEss. Som,
years ago Lazy Mans Society was or
ganized in London, Eng, and one o
the articles req uired that no. man be
longing to the society should ever b
in hurry. If he violated this articl
he was to stand treat to the other mem
bers. Now it happened on a time tina
member, doctor, was seen drivinl
post.haste through the streets to visit
patient. The members of the societ.
saw him and chuckled over the idea G
treat, and on his return reminded hin
of his fast riding and violation of tn
rules. mot at ALL" said the doctor
determined not to be out done; "th
truth is, my horse was determined to go
and Twas too lazy to stop him." The,
did not catch the doctor that time.
AN unfortunate gentleman in Eng
land, against whom it was proved tina
he had married three wives, taking I
himself second and third while hi
first was still living, pleaded, in init
cation of punishment, lately, that h
had married neither of them for money
and that he had, up to the moment {
being arrested, "been at the expense I
maintaining them" Apart from legi
considerations, it might no doubt
argued, with some show of fairnes
that 1t Is nobler to support three wiyt
In comfort than to abandon one in II
digence. But these are the principle
of Mormonism, and have not yet bee
generally adopted in England. Th
view held by the accused was that, fl
from having failed in his duty as hu
band, he had, in fact, performed 1t thr,
times over; and, If the judge had bee
In a position to decide the matter in Il
same spirit, without reference to Il
mere law on the subject, he might a.
propriately have sentenced the ma
with the three wives to dwell wit
them all together. There is Russia
fable on this subject, in which the vel
punishment we have indicated Is pr
scribed. "That was no punishment
all ;" says some thoughtless person
whom the story is supposed to be tol,
"Was 1t nOtY" replied the narrato
"In ten days the man hanged himself