Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-05-19
fnutl fur 9uti,arisfs

StuG1ng improves the fair as we'll as
he fowl.
4 SIRE way to stop woman mouth
kiss it.
When is a sailor not a sailor?-
When he's loft,
Melancholy trees - The weeping
willow and the pineapple.
May not a turkey be said to be a
ghost when he's a-gobblin?
The ties that connect business men
with the public Advertise
Impressions of Greece. "--Candle-
droppings on the carpet.
When is cat like = tea ,pst?-When
you're teasin' it (tca's IN iD.
What is that which he who has it
not does not wish for. but he who has
it would not part with it for any mon
ey?-A bald head.
What is the difference between an
African wilderness and an American
wilderness? -In the one YOU see black
bears, in the other bare blacks.
What is that goes up the hill and
down the hill, and yet never moves? !
The road.
What does a grocer do with all his
things before he sells thcm?-Givcs
them a weigh.
Though men boast Of holding the
reins. the women generally tell which
way they must drive.
Josh Billings uttercd n great truth
when he said = "TIe who by his biz
would rise must either bust or adver-
tise."
Law is like sieve; you can see
through it, but you must be consider
ably reduced before you can get
through it.
fla hair of dog is good for his
bite. that explains why sulphur, which
comes from Vesuvius, is good for
eruptiOns.
We have heard of one old woman
who kissed her COW, but there are
thousands of young ones who have
kissed great calves.
1t is not necessary that postman
should possess a good voice; but it is
a most essential thing that he should
have a good delivery.
No man is always wrong; a clock
that does not 60 at all. is right every
twelve hours.
The hight of Sabbatarianism.-
Finding a bank-note on the pavement
on a Sunay and declining to pick it
up.
"Never listen to fatterers. my
dear" said mother to her daughter.
"Whv. mamma, how should I know
they are fattcrers unless [ listen to
them p
Tee man who sang. 90 breathe no
more that simple air." was recon-
mended to 90 into tho smoking, where
the air was more mixed.
4 Chicago woman says that she
does not get married. for the reason
that she does not know whose husband
she might be marrying.
How much did he leare?" inquir
cd n gentleman Of wac on learning
the death of wealthy citizen. CIV
ervthing." responded the wag; che
didn't take a dollar with him.
"Is talent hercditary?'' asks the
Argus. OF course. Turn
your mind upon the Covington post
master. and then upon the President
of the United States.
A WELCOME VISITOR. could
a tail unfold - Could you7 Then
lose not a moment. but 90 instantly
to Mr.. Darwin. He will be delighted
to see You.
A VERY LARGE FAMILY PARTY
The Total number of authors in ALI |
zones great Dictionary of English |
" we are told, is 46, 499,
md of these no fewer than 80 are
'crhaps we ought not to break the
Iews so abruptly-Smiths!
MA" said a little girl to her
mother. edo men want to get mar
led rs much as the women?
"Pshaw! what are you talking
bout?''
"Why, ma, the women who come
ere are always talking about getting
larried-the men don't do So"
A countryman took his seat at
avern table. opposite to a gentleman
Tho was indulging in a bottle Of
line. Surprising the wine to be
ommon property. orr msophistica-
ed country friend helped himself to
with the gentleman'S glass.
That's coolr' exclaimed the own
r OF the wine. Indignantly.
"IeS." replied the other, Il should
link there was ice in it"
y ncw-made minister, having oc- ,
lsion to marry a couple as his first
ficial act, ard there being quite an
'semblage present, he determined
} strike them dumb with awe, and {
}, in winding up, he said.
Il prOnunce you man and wife. and 5
&c lord have mercy on your sinful t
,uls - t
A Boston gentleman who could not
lltz offered young lady hundred .
liars if she would let him hug her y
much as the man who had Just n
lltzed with her. 1t was a good off t
, and showed that money was no t
jcct with him, but they put him +
It of house so bad that his eye was u
lite black.