The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-01
Il U M 0 Ro U S ITEMS

Dsy~ An Irishman leaning against a.
lamp-post as a funeral procession was
passing by, was asked who was dead .iT,
6 | can't exactly say, sir but pre-
sumo it is the jintleman in the coffin"
Rg~ Gentlemen" said darkey land
lord to his guests at midnight, "f don't
know whether you have talked enough or, or
not but as for myself, I am going to
shut up" "'"..' ."' ~ "'7''.'0H CO.
tsy~ A citizen down east was dubbed
{" the little rascal" "A friend once voldn-
teered to ask him why he was called "the2
little rascal" "To distinguish me from
my neighbors," said he, "who are all
great rascals." .r.t ,..aJIg, g..
De7y- 1t is a settled principle, your Hon.
or" said lawyer that caatses always
produce Effects" "They always do fors
the Attorney" blandly responded ,t the9
Judge: but I've sometimes known ga
single cause to deprive q client Of all his
effects !" .L .. ........, .......,l..,s, ~,
B6yP A Yankee in England being an
noyed by the constant boasting as to- theH
superiority Of English girls, finally si-7
fenced laudation by declaring that theyv
had a. gal in Boston, only II years old,
who could chew gum in seven different,
languages with her eyes shut =. ,r.rg,s
GagP A poor topper, as lastnresort forg
more drink, took his Bible to pawn for
liquor, but the landlady refused to take,
it. L" "Well said he, if she won't, take,
my word or Gods word it's time to give
it up" And he went and signed the
pledge and keptit faithfully 4@.''''ll .. ''h
Bsg- Two little girls, an eight and a
ten-year-old, were graYely discussing the
question of wearing earrings One,
thought it wicked. The other was sure
it could not be, for so many good people
wear them The other replied? ,?f'1 Wen,
I don't care if it wasn't wicked God
would have made holes incur ears"ag is
DSy~ A, gentleman took his country
cousin to the theatre recently, On COM
ing out, he remarked :'' '' van 7''''''''.'
'EsThey played we'll didn't they ?" 10
The cousin from the rural district tlook-y
ed round at him, and answered ;qf as1b1a
."0f course they did that's what they
are paid to doWi b Irs ,ogiiia.l crit -s lob
There's a practical criticism foryyou.luG
Bag A thin old man, with rag bag
in his hand, was picking up a large num-
ber Of pieces of whalebone which lay on
the street, The deposit was of such a
singular nature that we asked the quaint
locking gathererl how he supposed they
came there, a. Don't know, he replied,
in squeaking voice. 81 'spect some un-,
fortunate female was wrecked hereabout."
bg- A story is told of a father in a
church, who, when the marriage service
came to the point where the clergyman y
asks, WHO giveth this woman to be
married to this man ?" replied ~" Well,o
sir l am called to do it, although it do
90 again the grain. wanted her to mar
ry Bill Plowser, who is worth twice the
money O. that 'ere man" The answer was
not considered regular. a15diuo2 ,..i 80
Rs- ''Bob, Harry Smith has one Of
the greatest curiosities you ever Saw" UP
'.'' Don't say soAwhat is it?" pin 'o"1iE
"A tree that never sprouts and be4i
comes smaller the older it grows.H i9a OF
lowell that is a acuriosity. Where did
he get it?' 4n,rq a5.u0
From California" uaj .o.9 .llL ~.
"What is the name ofit?" i11o 10
" Axle-tree--it once belonged to a
California omnibus g..i ,..,..,{ ..,. j..l,,g
s@-" Who dares spit tobacco juice
upon the floor of this car 2" sayagely ex-
claimed large and powerfully built pas
senger, as he rose from his seat and stalk
ed down. the aisle frowning defantly upon
the passengers. 81 dare, Z, said a burly
looking fellow, as he deliberately squirted
quantity of the noxious saliva upon the
floor Of the aisle "All right, my friend"
said the first speaker, slapping the other
in friendly manner on the shoulder,
give us chew Of tobacco" N' "i'' i'A''
B6s~ The following anecdote was given
at the Edwards Reunion, in illustration Of
the absent-mindedness of the great Jona-
than Edwards ; at one time he rode after,
the COWS, and little boy very respectful
ly bowed and opened the gate for him.
Whose boy are you my little man F'
"Noah Clark's boy, sir,p On his return
with the cows, the same boy appeared
and opened the gate for him. Edwards
thanked the little fellow, and asked g
"Whose boy are YOUR "The same mans
boy | was quarter Of an hour ago, sir"
ray A farmer in remote district Of
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