The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-04-22
HOME MATTERS
PEPPER, SALT AND SPICE.

get on the subject, the Borealis is located oper
mile north Of that town. -. One can say with
perfect propriety, and without psrpetrating a
solitary ''euss," that Colwell, Clark & Co. are
minding their own dam business nowadays,
a. they have a large force of men daily employed
in damnlng the Fox and Illinois rivers to their
hearts content, az well as that of the people,
whose daily prayers are dam 'em both, ""dam 'en
well, and dam en- quickly. We overheard
couple OF doetors one day lately conversng in
this Wise: Said one, "a fellow came to me to-
day with a broken arm, and he wouldn't pay me
but three dollars TO set it, and tsld him TO 90 TO
tie decH" Yes" replied the other, land he
came to me-" Here we laughed and they at
once began to apologize to each other The doc
tors always getting off little jokes the
doctors -. Thursday last was a poor day for
straw hats. We saw only one in all ourttravels
that day. 1t was worn by determined fellow,
who stood on the street corner bumped up lik.
the letter "S," with his hands down in bis pock-
cts up to his elbows, nose very blue, az his teeth
chattering away az lively rate W. observed,
as we passed him, "a little cold, aint it He
drawled out "I.a-a.s, some coolish in spots ..
1t Is said Of the reeent Aurora excursonists t,at
each of the gentlemen regulated his watch By
the dumb dial on the old cour. house steeple the
hands whereof have pointed 10 % minutes to
II O'Clock for twenty odd years We should not
make fun of that faithful old landmark, for
during all that time, it has been right twice every
twenty-four hours. How many men can truth.
fully say much for themselves 49,. The pub.
lie square is being planted with trees, and now
the question is, what kind OF grass or vegetable
should the ground tie seeded with. Some prefer
clover, others like blue grass timothy. As for
u, give 'gynpsom" weed. or give Us
death -. The difference between our gath.
erer OF jag, and the Treasury Depar iment, at
Washington, is not so great one would sup.
pose. After applying our Gigantic intellect" to
the question, we find that our rag gatherer
gives tin io- rags and the Treasury fellows give
rag Tor "tua." IA town pump-a local eii.
tor. We do not consider ourself an entire
pump, though only take water in our'n"
We were born in Illinois, Consequently We are a
sucker and that's some relation TO pump you
know The cities around US are advocating
it do to start factory in Ottawa to make sugar
out OF dead beats Z" 49,. When n girl falls in
love with Irshman her heart goes Dtty nat
We know how It is, for We have been there ourseli
"A few lays ago seedy looking chap entered
beer saloon in town, where some young fellows
taking little OF that mildly stimulating
beverage known As lager. Sitting down he ex.
oil II l.
without eating mouthful; can't you lend me "A
dime 70 get something to eat and drink - The
generous fellows, of course, responded to his APP
peal, when he proceeded TO refresh himself Al
ter gettiug "iied up he said "Boys, won't
deceive you, ust out Of the penitentiary."
They asked HIM if he knew certain convicts
from Ottawa. whom they named. He seemed Is
know them all. When one of them who has a
brother in Joliet keeping livery stable. asked
stranger, do you know Jake Palmer ~ ooh,
yes" replied the peni,entiary bird, II know the
I'D cuss well, he occupied the nert cell 10 me ;"
Ii you would like "Mansard roof put up over
your left eve, ask Lou about his brother in
the peniteutary. -. One cold day lately Doe
tor was III a crowd talking OF the we .thcr Look.
ing at his old overcoat, he SAID Il must get
this old overooat bound over" 'Ye-." said wag
looking significantly towards the il, "the coat
and coneRts ought TO be bound orer.'" The doc.
tor Is Disguised We pity his next patient >.
.A prominent drugeer man invited us out to
take buggy ride, just around the square, on
Wednesday. We handut our overcoat, or fan, or
umbrella or anything to keep the wind from
shining on us with all its strength. He said he
wanted to give US an airing, SO he drove out
TO the flats and around "Cary's patch" and up
towards the north pole, aud let the horse walk
nearly all the way at that. Our teeth haven't
got through chatteriug yet.... Persons having
weak lungs are recommended to try DR.. Grigg's
paten. lung tester. 1t is very simple contri.
vance-very simple. a quart OF water III tin
thing; large glass tube to blow into the water
and a small movable tube to throw the watar
out You blow into it and how far You
can throw stream the floor Small men. |
like Dr.. Harris, can throw . stream twelve feet
or mere, while great big fellows, like Jerry
Wood aud George Beattie, DR. Stout, DR.. God.
FREY and Mr.. Rice, can squirt it only seven or
eight inches-just far enough to throw 1t into
their own faces. Then they wipe the water
off, put the machine down gently, aid exc.aim,
.'Seld, by thunder :" Bowman has been to
Chicago to see that India rubber beast that fool.
ed the boy ont of his pies. Ask Bowman, he can
explain it better thaH we can write it,. The
Republican ''has heard Of no injury to tho fruit
buds from the frost last week." The RspuJlican Is
stupid once a weekly, and dosen't hear any
thing. Alas. our gympsum weed! The late
frosts have blistered the tops Of "them weeds,