The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1871-05-26

ulciuUtES VI my CWpS INV CSSs
irving singly daily. Some detention
and confusion occurred by the leg q
some other patient being consigned
to me, but met the proper owner
promenading the valley with my leg
itimate support and We checrfhly
exchanged salutation and legs. Ithen
took -
AGUM ARABIC BATH,
and aftera careful inventory i bcliere
am all here.
This is social place. Ceremoni0us
frigidities are abandoned, and the
most candid converse prevails. Morn
ing dawns to the sound of crutche&
etc. 'Good morning." followed BY
"How's your ear~ "Much better;
how's your nose?" "Ob, highly i'm
proved will only lose an inch and
half" and such like professional
greetings. My roommate has lost
much flesh, but remains his
VANITY AND NEATNEss.
The other morning he called the
porter to black his boots and elevate
his pedal extremity; porter pulled
vigorously and finally got off his boot,
but had the leg with it. Great excite
ment ensued in the room; several
bootjacks were seixed with spiritual
istic vigor and moved in the direction
of the porter's head. The noise soon
drew a crowd, who seemed disap-
pointed at finding such
i' THRILLING CAUSE,
and one mildly suggested the bath
Mate was hurried to, and soon souscd
in the water, and leg thrown along
side of him, and in two seconds, BY .
pair of stcelyards, the cohesion and
the cooperation was resumed. This
is but an unimportant result of these
wonderful waters. Passing along
the street the other day, / noticed
several gentlemen playfully throw
ing small gravel at each other. One
was struck square in the forehead,
and '-rT
DECAPITATION
Immediately took place. A spectator
coolly picked up the dismembered
brain-excloser and returned il to the
body, which, after settling it gently
in proper position, politely said
''thank yOu," and resumed the play
full gambOls.
As you approach Little Rock, and
on arriving there, you can save much
money and perhaps a visit here by
simply believing all yon hear. Som
remarkable cures have been effecteJ
in this simply, but .a
TERRIBLY TIREsOME .r
manner. On the other hand, prema-
ture death has been cansed by the pa
tient being an audience to some of
these wonderful retailers. / would
recommend travellers to supply them
selves with bottle of Spalding's glue,
as they will find it valuable i'm assist
ing them to keep their seats ON the
road between here and Little Rock.
Arriving here, you Immediately place
yourself in the
PRESENCE OF A PHYSICIAN
Physician (blandly)-How do you
90, sir? Let ME see the back of yOnr
ear. All, that will do. Now, take
off your undershirt. Good piece of
goods. Cost four dollars, eh ? That's
bad symptom. You will bathe
twice day.
Patient-Doctor how bad am /, and
do you think soaking in these waters
will bring me out?
Physic-Well, the symptoms of ca
piilary adjunctive is not so discrip-
tive OF the hernia, which would cut
aneOusly corrode the primary diges-
tion of what we term SOphoranctum-
phi, which you have no doubt suffer.
ed from in the scrotal dn ectiOn of
lymphatic certebra, hence the neces-
sity for direct confluence of the
medicality of the abdomen, protected
by the tympannum of the loosus GER
flume. This can be easily eradicated
by inserting into the glandular secre-
tiOns sufficient gastronomic influence
condigning mutual insurance on the
safety valve plain. Many physicians
will tell you different, but / know,
you know, and a elimination of the
patent asphyxia is plainly discern.
able.
Patient-Well, that's the first time
the thing was ever fully explained to
me, and you can go to work ON that
plan.
/ hope / am
VIOLATING No CONFIDENCE
in betraying this 'Relief to the Mil
lion,' but my fellow-sufferers must be
projected, even at the sacrifice of
friendship and small amoant offrac-
tion currency. will go still further.
and give you the following
DIRECTIONS TO BATHERs.
l. Bathers must take of their boots
before entering the tubs.
2. Do not wear linen clothes after
bathing When the weather is cool, as
you are liable to take somebody's
overcOat.
3. Do not drink ice water while
taking sweat.
4. Wear paper collars after a hot
bath, to prevent catching cold.
D. Always pay in advance for baths
as it keeps your clothing more. con-
venient.
D. Let the hot water run until your
ear commences to fry, then turn it of.
Z. Lay quietly until you swell up
so that the size of the tub is uncom-
Portable.
8. Call for your valet and have him
rub you briskly for half hour, with
a towel thickly covered with sharp
pointed tacks.
9. BE carried to your room and
stay there till you fill two hogsheads;
wash days more will be required.
THE MIRACULOUS EXECUTIONS
of these waters, as learned from the
oldest inhabitants, surpasses the wild
est dreams Of Mr.. Munchausep.
Shoe markers starve to death here. as
you have only to throw your we'll
worn boots into the bath for q few
and fbav raf,,r,, A., ,,o,,u.x