The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1871-03-20
Royal Reveries OF NJ. Quad-What He
Would do If he were King OF


Would do If He were King o
Spain.
In an epistle indicted to, and published
in, the Detroit Free Press, M. Quad Oh
serves:
If I should mount throne I believe tba
would run this king business entirely diff
ferent from the manner in which it Is nov
conducted: / think the throne of SpaiI
would suit me, and I haven't any doubts
that would just suit the Spanish after ?:
few trials. II | didn't it would because
they couldn't appreciate the handsome
thing. Besides having oysters and hot bis
CUT three times q day, / should make Q
change in the matter of cookery. If any
hotel-keeper Went to serving out hash
under a French title two lines long,
l would give him n little law thai
he'd never forget. Soups should be nut
down on the bill as soups, and if any
waiter brought in thirteen napkins and a
small bit Of beef as the whole of mans
dinner, I'd have my prime minister make
the fellow chew napkins oil the rest of his
life. And, when traveller came to settle
the three-dollar- per-day idea, I should send
for that landlord and ask him il he wouldn't
be content if he had three or four national
banks rolled in behind the desk, and tell
him he could keep no tavern in Spain, not
While | was around. AS for the clerk, IL
he were like some that | know of, his la
menting relative would be dividing up the
estate within twenty-iour hours after i was
crowned king.
There's another thing that have often
thought of. I'd take little railroad excur-
sions, carrying along a fair to medium trunk,
and I'd watch the baggage smashcrs. When
they put the trunk oil, and found that
both handles were of, the lock broken, the
| lid split, the hinges bent, the ends knocked
| in, I'd say See here my fine fellow, l
want to see YOU atmy office on ittle pr,
yate business" He'd naturally think OF
| the Cross Of the Legion of Honor, the red
ribbon and the iron medal, but he'd change
his mind when he saw the dangling rope and
the gallows. He'd never smash another
trunk, not in Spain. AS for ticket agents at
| the depots, I should first give them warning.
| I'd enighten them little by informing
them they could make just as many friends,
and do lust as much business, and have the
/ the road Just as well thought of, by return
| ing civil answers to travellers and by treat
| ing men and women as people ought TO DC
treated. I'd tell him once, and if he didn't
concur with my sentiments, why, there
be good many friends around lnquirina
for him next day.
There's another thing I'd do for Spain.
First, I'd issue the following cali:
ESPECIAL NoTIcE.-Every Spanish gem
tleman who desires to hold fat office, with
big pay and stealings attached, will please
meet at my office on the lst of February
They'd come. They'd come in wagons,
carts, wheelbarrows, on canal-boats, by
railroads, balloons--they'd come riding on
L al he f1nnrn No 1T
conveyance. There would be few respect
able men hanging around, and I'd fix every
one of them up with pair Of coW-hide
boots, soles four inches thick. I'd call the
crowd in, one by one, and after short ad'
dress on the subject of the general desire to
hold very little Office for great deal Of
pay, I'd turn the gentlemen around, give O
word to the kickers-well, they could call
around some other time if they wantedany
more office.
About woman's rights think 7 should
have something to say about that. I'd gel
a list Of the females who are galliyanting
around Spain bowling for their rights, and
| I'd invite them to call on me, adding that
| / favored woman's rights very much
They'd call-they'd be OH hand before days
light. If there were thirteen Of them, I'd
have thirteen mops handy, and the way
these thirteen "righters" should handle
these thirteen mops would make the splint-
ers fly. Of course l would not seek TO de-
grade lady in any way, but the mop was
patented before woman's rights, and some.
| how l never think of woman's rights
without also seeming to see pair Of panta-
looms swinging in the air before me.
| There's only one more thing. I'd go on
a little journey over Spain, and call on
every newspaper man could hear of, Radi.
cal or Democrat. Walking up to the chief
man about the concern, Pd slap him on the
back, ask after his wife and babies, and say
"See here, old boy, I'm running this
Spanish king business now. If you want
to abuse me or any other man, 60 ahead.
Write just rs you feel. If you heal of a
mean trick, expose it; if you want to say
a good word for anybody, do it. Here's a
few Spanish milled dollars to help buy
| combs and crockery ware for the house.
and when you want new cylinder-press,
why, put my name on the order, and if you
don't get the press by return mail, I'll make
a vacancy around some printing machinery
depot"
That's how I'd be king Of Spain, or any
other country. But the more think Of
the matter the less am inclined to accept
of throne, for there's Long Primer and
Small Pica-all that can leave them to
begin life with is their fathers unflnching
responsibility.