Green-Mountain freeman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1844-1884, 1871-12-13
Tie Adyentures Of VIM. ?. Mooney

la Baltimore. d short time ago, the
death o. William z. Mooney was announ-
ced, and day was fixed for his funeral,
70 which bis friends were invited
1t seems that there we're in the city two
men named Nilliau =. Mooney. each Of
whom had many acquaintauces. Now the
friends OF the living William got an idea
that he was dead aud so upon the day
appointed Tor the funeral they repaired to
the house named IN the advertisement, for
the purpose OF shedding regretfu tear or
two over the remains of their departed
irienI The existing Mooney also took a
notion to Ca.l around, partly TO see his
dead name>4ae. and partly that he might
ascertain how it felt 10 attend a funeral u
which VIM. p Mooney oficiated in the
capacity of q corpse. He arrived when
the services We're nearly ended, and stood
Out IN the vestibuje, waiting tor them to
conclude. When all was over, some of his
own misguided friends started for the
street They were amazed and alarmed to
perceive right IN the doorway, the figure
Of the mau whom they supposed to be dead.
Oae OF the party thought 1t must be the
aPpariti0n Of Mooney; SO he poked 1t with
his umbrella to ascertain II 1t was real.
This hurt Mr.. Mooney, and made him so
mad that be struck the prober Of ghosts
with his cane. Then another one OF the
party said 10 him
Why, Mooney, what are you doing
ous here \ man ought to conduct him
-e.t better lhan rhj, AT his own funeral r.
Whose funeral ?" said Mooney " It's
none oc mine.
See here. Mooney" they all said
"why d5n- you behlye2 You oughn't to
carry 9a IS, after all the good things the
minister said about YOU. 1t isn't right
WAC are you talking about 3' exclaim-
Ell Wm. r.. Indignantly [ am as lively
a you are!~
d. Mooney. this IS wrong urged the
crowd this Is all wrong. Y on know YOU
are dead you know that your family Is
Eaostjng around uP stairs there. crying and
going On like mad You ought to have
more respect for their feelings than to be
sJsnding here fighting. Now Just 20 bac
into your coffin, aud let the procession 20
quietly to the cemetery without any more
fuss"
Darn the procession r. calculated the
incensed Mooney. I'm no more dead
than YOU are
Now, it's otno use arguing the point, !
SAID MS friends. The notice |
has been published IN the papers the uu-
icrtaker has fixed you up comfortably in |
ice Grape mas been tied on your door |
knob, tine board ol trade has passed re>o-
utlons OF respect to your memory; they |
have bougat nice marble monument to |
hold you down, and everything; 80 you
must bee dead. You can't 20 back to the
board oil trade Nr. Mooney-now can
you 3''
It's mistake said Mooney It's |
lii g mistake Let me explain it to you" |
20 there's no need Of explanation, g"
said his friends. the corpse Is not in or /
isr. The simple fact Is that you are a |
lead man, Here's the weeping family |
here's the hearse, the undertaken, the min |
ster, and the mourners. and in the parlor /
stands the cothn Now you have got to
% in and be packed up IN that cothR
whether YOU want 10 or not. Some men
lever know what Is best for them anyhow
We came here 70 have a funeral, aud
uueral we are going TO have, no matter If
ng you won't for you have GOT to; 50 come
long
Thereupon they seized Mooney and
ragged him into the parlor. Those VINO
the eneounter.sa 1t was terrific.
'he report spread that the corpse was
Jose, and the undertaken and the pail
carers all Joined in the fray, and the
ombat thIckened until Mooney broke from
Is tormeators and dIrted into the kitch-
u, where the undertaken knocked him
own with a tiat-iron and pinned him to
he floor with poker through his vitals
ntil assistance could be secured The
ruth was developed then and Mooney
vas carried carefully to the hospital in a
ush cart When he gets we'll he intends
o search the directory and ascertain if
mother man named Mooney lives in Balti-
lore. If there is such a being William
,. proposes TO ask the legislature to fur
ish him with q Chinese name in eighteen
yliables, and warranted unlike any other
n the whole realm Of nature.