Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-07-04
Let7ecb for HeG22aO2'Ists.

A hair EN- scare EN- invention-The CHG
non.
1t is we'll to be flush in pocket, but not in
countenance.
A joint affair with but single party to it
rheumatism.
The difference between the bachelor and the
married man is that the former has to look out
for number one, and the latter for number two.
A tradesmen having sunk his shop couple
of feet, announces that, in consequence OF re-
cent improvements, goods will be sold conside-
rably lower than formerly.
skWhat is taking mans name in vain Our
devil answers the question thusly: Forging
mans name to note. and then obtaining moth
ing on the note" 'Kuuect."
1t is gratifying to ones sense of propriety
to read that "MacMahon is no longer In COM
munication with Nancy" Her parents ought
to have put stop to the correspondence long
ago.
The female lecturer said, ''Get married,
young men, and be quick about it. Don't wait
for the millennium for the girls to become angels.
You'd look well beside an angel, wouldn't you,
you brutes?"
An Ohio young man had q girl whom he was
counting arrested for biting his lips. The fool
couldn't he bite back, or wasn't he back bite
her? We would be chawed into hash before
having girl arrested for that.
A LADY once asked gentlemen what wit was
like. To which he replied: Like your lady
ships bottle Of sal volatile, poignant, at the
first opening, but on being much handled
about, it looses all its flavor, and becomes IN
sipid.
An urchin hearing his father read an article
in the paper In relation to a new invention OF
bricks Of glass, exclaimed: ''Glass bricks? I
know what them isl what are they?" in
uuired one of the family. 'Tumblers of liz
uor," said the juvenile.
A Cincinnati woman is down on gored skirts,
and saws she never wants another. She was
ont walking and wild Texas steer got to going
and gored her so she couldn't sleep nights. -
They have wild steer matinees In the streets
there every day or two.
A Young lady at western temperance meet
ing said: Brethren ard sisters, cider is ne
cpssity IN me and must have it. 1t is decl-
ded that we are not to drink clder. L snail eat
apples and get some young man to squeeze me,
for [ cannot live without the juice of the ap-
pie.
''Do you retail things here ?" asked green
looking specimen Of humanity as he poked his
head into drug store. Eyes, sir, replied
the clerk, thinking he had customer. Then
wish you would retail my dog,--he had II
bitten off about month ago." And greeny
strolled down the street with one eye closed.
Clara, love but thee alone thus sighed
the tender youth. oh, hear me- then, my
passion down with trembling lips, in earnest
tone indeed, speak the truth. He paused
the blush o'erspread her cheek she let him
1.o-- bor coor. ooeroo for omotion cnuld she
speak, yet still she asked IN accents meek,
How much have you Year,
A lady walking down town saw a little boy
pinching younger brother, who was crying
why, my boy, said she to the young tor
mentor, don't you know you're doing very
wrong? What would you do if you should
kill YOUR little brother % ''Why," he replied,
''of course should put on my best black pants
and go to the funeral.
An instance Of the ruling passion strong in
death is thus related Of an old cook, who was
known as miser, aud had amassed a large
fortune. On his death bed, when the gasp
was approaching, a tallow candle was burning
upon the staod, and Pickering fame 10 the
Fireplace Suddenly he called to his son, say
ing "Woodberry, come here: The son ,ap-
preached the bedside, when the old man whis-
pered: "Woodberry, blow out that candle !;
taloW's most as dear as butter
A few Sundays ago, as Mr.. Beecher was
about commencing his sermon, stout, father
ly looking man was endeavorlng to make his
way through the crowd to get within better
hearing distance of the distinguished orator.
At that moment Mr.. Beecher's voice rang out
the words of the text: Who art thou?''
"Who art thou?" again cried the dramatic
preacher. The stout party thinking himself
in the wrong, perhaps, by pressing forward,
and believing himself to be personally address
ed, startled the brethren and nonplussed their
reverend chieftain by replying thusly: I'm a
pig merchant from Chicago, sir. l hope you
amt mad. There amt nary chair, or else I'd
a sot down.