Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-06-29
Humorous Readings.

The girls of Athol, Massachusetts,, whip
ped the boys of that burgh at base ball
the other day.
Susan B. Anthony says: Marriage is a
fearful thing" But Susan has never
"been there"
Louisiana has new paper, called the
Sugar B0ooE. You can have a finger in it
for So per annum.
"My dear child, tell me who made your
vile body?" "Please, sir, mother made
the body, but made the skirt"
The inventor of a new dyspeptic pill
absurdly advertises that "aIl may try
them, and return them if dissatisfied"
1t is the opinion of the New Orleans
Times that General Grant cannot be logi-
cally called one-horse President.
Fl. G. thinks two Republican parties
cannot be successfully run in this state.
Not unless they are "run into the
Ground"
81 can't find bread for my family" said
a lazy fellow. "Nor l." replied an indus
trious miller, "Pm obliged to work for it."
A shrill old lady in Memphis, when
ever she loses her scissors, rouses the whole
family with, "Where's them shears ap-
peared tof"
The wife il the sun of the social system.
Unless she attracts, there is nothing to
keep heavy bodies, like husbands, from
flying into space.
Texas has a new game-one holds
revolver the other holds the cards. Short
ly after the game begins a coroner holds
an inquest.
The conduct of the husband who beats
his wife beats anything; but that of a
man who slams the door in the face of his
wife's relations bangs all-Judy.
A hibernian Senator, speaking of sui
eide, said, "The only way to stop it is 10
make it capital offence, punishable with
death"
as it possible, Miss, you don't know
the names of some of your friends 2" "Oh
yes, don't know what my own may be in
year"
josh Billings says: "a man who starts
on the day of his marriage as first heatte1-
ant in his family, need never expect to
bs promoted"
When a man or woman are made one,
the question is, (Which one?" Some
times there is a struggle between them
before the matter is settled.
An editor, speaking of a rogue, says:
"The rascal has broken every bank and
Jail and Sabbath we have had in this
country for the last five years"
The sea of mstrimony is not always a
smooth one. By the light of the honey
moon you can even see rocks ahead-the
cradle.
Gail Hamilton thinks that the tronbls
with many of the woman's rights advo-
Gates is, that they want to live like wo-
men and be paid like men.
Atmospherical knowledge is not thor
oughly distributed to our schools. A boy
being asked, "Whst is mist 2" vaguely
responded son umbrella"
"Mr. Jones, what makes the canary
sleep on one legP 81 don't think any
thing makes him, my dear; think he
does it of his own accord"
A young bachelor in Jersey City was
urged to marry, but he replied: II don't
see it. Ny father was single man, and
he always got along well enough"
1t may not be generally known that ed
itors get one important item of subsist-
ence at low price-they get bored for
nothing.
A New York newspaper describes a
new police station house just opened there
as thing of beauty and a joy forever"
An exchange says "Paris will be ruined
by the fall" If we mistake not, we were
all ruined by the fall-the fall of Adam.
1t was very early fall.
A student at Yale startled the class at
recitation the other day. "What stars
never set 2" asked the professor, and
"Roost-ars I" was his prompt reply s,l5
gOce.
A Georgia editor explains that the title
he gave an article was, "a cut and dried
affair."" and 1t was the typos which made
it read, "a cut and dried apple"
LADY, think you said your name was
Mary New Broom-No, mem, not ex-
actly Mairey-it's Sairey, an you spell it
with hess instead of hem.
"Grandma," said shrewd child, "do
you want some candy?' "Yes, dear,
should like some" "Then if you'll buy
some I'll give you half"
"Modesty" asks US, "What is the best
method of popping the question z" 1t is a
good deal like champagne-if it don't pop
itself there is someting wrong about il.
An Irish schoolmaster recently informed
his pupils that the feminine gender should
be applied to all ships and vessels sfoat
except mail-clad steamers and men-of-
war. -