The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1871-06-06
FUN FROM HARPERs "DRA WEIR

FUN FROM HARPER'S "DRA WEIR"
To one of the most distinguished of liv-
ing American comedians the Drawer is in
debted for the following
In consequence of some difficultyin In arriv-
ing at an amicable conclusion in reference to
political matters, in o Western bar-room, one
Of the parties, in the usual knife dispute that
ensued, b ID his intestines cut out. A learned
M. d. who had been called in stated the
extent of the injury done in learned techni-
ealities, peppered with membranes, cartilages,
epipastriums etc, to an extent so overpower-
ing that one of his auditors, Mortified at the
description rushed out, and meeting a friend,
who asked him, "Is Jim much hurt ?" replied,
''Hurt You bet he's hurt. Why, all the
Latin part Of his 6o1oeys is clean out !"
That the schoolmaster is very much
abroad in some portions of our common
country may be inferred from the following
notice, which correspondent saw at the
post Office, in Montgomery, Alabama. 1t is
an extract from the printed circular of an
educator who proposed opening an evening
school
americans, recolect that it was by noe
turnal lucubrations that your own immortal
Franklin made the lightning of heaven sub
servient to his will, and with his fragile arm
confined in the gauzy shreds of handker-
chief that subtle yet irresistible fluid that
rent asunder the giant oaks of your primeval
forests and Knocked mortal man in all his
wonted strength by frittering into atoms the
most impregnable fabric of his inventive
genius. -@,
"TEACHER."
Concerning the ''Form of Solemnization
of Matrimony," as it is called in the Episco-
pal Church, or the Sacrament of Marriage"
in the Church of Rome, or simply the "Mar-
riage Contract" as it is entitled in the C com-
mon law of the State, there seems to obtain
in the State of Nebraska some sort of nuptial
arrangement peculiar to that region. So, at
least, we infer from the following advertise
ment in one of the organs of public opinion
published in Dakota City,
HON. K. W. FRAZER
Probate Judge, and ex-ofcio Justice of the Peace,
OF Broadway and Thirteenth street.
Judge Frazer is empowered to perform the mar
rage contract beceen parties of the opposite who
are legally eligible to the important state.
Dakota City, Nebraska, August 9th, 1870.
The temporary inconvenience frequently
experienced by gentlemen who give them
selves up to the enjoyment of afavorite beve-
rage was recently illustrated in Stewart
county, Tennessee, where prosperous old
farmer named Rumfeldt had habit of attend
ing regularly the County Court at Dover, but
who seldom turned his face homeward until
he had swallowed more whisky than his skin
could we'll hold or his legs could conveniently
carry. On one occasion he got on his level
early, and about the middle of hot july
afternoon started for home. He had not gone
far, however, when he was seized with an
uncomfortable desire to take nap. He dis
mounted from his horse, turned him loose to
Craze, and rolled himself into fence corner.
He was sleeping very sweetly when he was
espied by buzzard which was sailing about
the vicinity, hunting for something to eat.
Smaller and smaller grew his circles, eau
tiously taking observations. At last, but still
in some doubt, the bird. lit on the ground
near its expected feast. About this time
Rumfeldt became aware that something was
going on, and he partially opened one eye
and saw the buzzard, but still too drunk to
take any active measures to drive it away.
He, however, kept close watch. The buz-
zard strutted around him, all the time in
specting Rumfeldt closely and cautiously to
ascertain positively that he was dead He
finally became satisfied that the corpus before
him was indeed carcass, and, consequently,
''his meat" whereupon he advanced delibe-
rately to Rumfeldts head and gave him
severe peck in the face. This aroused Rum
feldt, and striking out lazily with his. hand to
prevent repetition of the attack, he ex-
claimed, 'tLook ere; you're a l-e-e-tle too
smart-I amt dead get"
"A bright young priest of the Roman
Catholic Church relates to the Drawer an in
stance of the naiveness and self-confidence
of an American girl, who, Just before the
recent revolution in the Holy City, was pre-
sented to the Pope. Of course she was
charmed with the simple and benignant man
ner of the Pontiff, and, gathering confidence
as the conversation proceeded, finally said:-
81 think that the people of the United
States are the most religious people in the
world"
''Why SO, my child ?" mildly asked the
Pope.
because, answered the young lady, ''they
have more denOnS7lGt6Ons!"
His Holiness smiled a little smile, but
evinced no desire to discuss the proposition.
During the late unpleasantness an impor-
tant part of naval detail between vessels of
the same squadron was necessarily done by
signal One of the humorous results of this
signal way of doing things, as 1t occurred
when part of one of our squadrons was
lying off Edenton, North CaroliRa, is related
by naval officer, as follows-A message
was sent from the shore to Captain Macomb,
commander of the feet, announcing that the
ceremony of public baptism would be per-
formed at two o'clock. The captain, ever cour-
teous and considerate, supposed that some
of his officers might wish to witness this little
episode in the tedious monotony of block
aiding, and directed that the fact sheuld be
The naval signal-bo was forthwith brought
out and searched, but the word "baptism'
was not to be found. Here was quandary,
and time was rapidly passing, but the captain
was not to be foiled. The quartermaster of