The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-06-20
Il U M 0 Ro U 1T z M S .


can't | will tell it to some one that can"
Dey~A paper says that "a child was run
over in the streets by wagon three
years old and cross-eyed, with pantalets
on, which never spoke afterwards
BS7" A Kansas paper advertises com
nibusses for funerals and other parties, at
reasonable rates" which is taking cheer
ful view Of things.
BD- Circumstances alter cases. Red
paint which is an improvement on the
looks of old houses, is but an injury to
the cheeks of young ladies.
BSyn Well, Pat, why don't you put up
your umbrella p Because, yer honor,
the rain would spile it, an so [ kept it
under me arum an divil a dhrop it has
got"
DRSn A client once burst into a food of
tears after he had heard the statement of
his counsel, exclaiming, " | did not think
| suffered half so much till / heard it
this day"
Bsy" I say, friend, your horse is a little
contrary, is he not? ?" mo sir" 'What
makes him stop then ?" ooh, he's afraid
somebody will say Whoa and he shan't
hear it.
Be5@ A sailor looking serious in chapel
in Boston, was asked by a clergyman if
he felt any change? Whereupon the tar
put his hand in his pocket, and replied
that he hadn't got cent.
BSg~ Mrs. Partington says the only way
to prevent steamboat explosions is to
make the engineers bile their water"
ashore. In her opinion all the Dustin
is caused by cooking the steem" on
board.
D@gr " Hello there" said farmer to
an Irishman, busily engaged at one of
his cherry trees, " by what right do you
take these cherries p " In faith, my
friend, said he, "by my right hand,
sure"
Bslgn An old lady was telling her grand
children about some troubles in Scotland,
in the course of which the chief of her
clan was beheaded. "It was nae great
thing of head to be sure" said the old
lady, "but it was a sad loss to him."
Bag" A yonng woman in Sacramento,
California, is threatening to get divorce
on the novel ground of protracted festivi-
ties. She says her husband celebrated
his marriage by getting drunk, and has
kept it up ever since.
Da5- Would you be willing to under
take the management Of my property for
your victuals and clothes ?" said Girard,
to a gentleman who was congratulating
him on his vast possessions. "No," was
the reply. Well, that's all | get" said
the millionaire,
DaS- A little girl, who had just laid
aside her slate in order to adjust her
stockings, was asked by her mother -
"What are you drawing on your slate,
Emma 2" 81 amt drawing on my
slate" she answered, " Pm drawing on
my stockings"
Day~ That was grave joke on the
Hon. l.. G. Kilham, of Madison, N. Y,
who sending telegram for horse to
meet him at the Oneida depot, was over
whelmed upon his arrival by the presence
of weeping friends and funeral train,
the operator having transformed horse
into hearse.
Daga Is it true, mamma" inquired a
little girl, "that a Quaker never takes off
his hat?" "It is true, my DEAR" an
swered the fond mother. 1T is mark
of respect which he thinks he should
pay to no man" "But then tell me,
mamma" answered the clever child, show
does Quaker manage when he goes to
have his hair cut 2"
R6s- An old agricultural laborer in
England tried a muscular method Of
evangelizing his family Being remon-
strated with by the pastor, for not bring
ing up his boys as he should, he replied,
&C donno 'ow tits, sir order 'em down
to pray night and mornin', and when
they won't 90 l knocks 'em down-and
yet they amt good"
D0- A famous judge has the habit Of
begging pardon on every occasion. At
the close of the assize, as he was about to
leave the bench, the officer of the court
reminded him that he had not passed
sentence of death on one of the crimi-
mails, as he had intended. +" Dear me-"
said his lordship, ~ really beg his par
don. Bring him in"
s@r One night, a short time ago, in