Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-03-24

"A CRATE uulsance-DaQ coal.
Wasting time-hugging the girls.
An imaginary quautity-a lady's age.
Statesmen Of the present day-prison
birds.
Half the agony terminated. Grant retirss
two years hence.
Waves that are harmless-the waves of
ladies' handkerchiefs.
Astonishing cure for consumption rs
the old lady said when she sprinkled snuff
on the victaals of her boarders.
Time is money.'--So Franklin observed.
1t is very true, and some people take plen-
ty of it to pay their debts.
A young lady went into q music store
and asked tho clerk if he had Loving Eyes
He replied. Pm told so by the girls
At sixteen woman prefers the best dan
Ger in the room; at two-and twenty. the best
talker; at thirty, the richest man; at forty,
her rights. esa aa'
Mr.. Smith, will you lend father your
newspaper--he only just wants to read it?
Yes, my boy; and ask him to lend me his
dinner-I only just want to eat it?
Say, Pomp. where you get dat new hat?'
Why, at de shop, OBJ course What dc
price OBJ such work OBJ art as dat? Dun
no, Sam, dunno, de shopman wasn't dar.'
A lady was asked to join one OF the Di.
visions Of the Daughters of Temperance. -
She replied, This is unnecessary, as it is
my intention to join one OF the Sons in the
ccursc Of few weeks
A young lady who had many admirers
among the limbs Of the law. on being asked
how she escaped heart-whole, supposed it
was owing to the fact that in "a multitude Of
counsellors there is safety.
Bn1eANDs AND DocroRs. There is very
little difference between the brigands of
Greece and the doctors of this country, for
while the brigands live by plumber, the doc
tors live by pill-age..
A man from the country whose wife had
eloped and carried off the feather-bed, was
in search if them; not that he cared any
thing for his wife, but the feathers said
he, 'them's worth dollar pound Iii
Sumner made a huge exhibit Of bark
and Grant, true to habit, endeavored to
take it off, but made signal failure, as he
did in the bark business in Galena, Iii.
nois. some years since.
4 say, boy, is there anything to shoot
around here? inquired sportsman Of a boy
be met WELL replied the boy, nothing
just about here, but our school-master is just
over the hill there cutting birch rods, you
might walk up and pop him over
A darkey, left III charge of telegraph
Office at New Orleans, while the operator
went to dinner, heard some one cali over
the wires, and began shouting at the instru-
ment: DE operator isn't yer The noise
ceased
The following advertisements appeared in
an Irish paper: Whereas Patrick Maloney
has fraudulently taken away aeveral articles
of wearing apparel without my knowledge,
this is therefore 10 inform him that if he
does not forthwith return the same, his name
will be made public
There is an old story that Jew, while
indulging in morsel of forbidden food, had
his meal interrupted by terrific thunder
storm, and that as the thunder roared and
the lightning flashed around him, he ex.
claimed: 'Plesh my soul, vot bodder shust
about leetle pork &
Suffering Ben, WHO was toasting his
shins, observing that the oil merchant was
cheating customer in some oil, called to
him, Jim. I can tell you how to s sell t-twice
as much oil as you do now
Well, how?' grcaned Jim
Fill your measure
JOB printing! exclaimed an old l.dy the
other day, as she peered over her spectacles
at the advertising page Of country news.
paper. 'Poor job they've kept him prin-
ting week after week ever since first learnt
to read; and if be wasn't the most pat emit
eat man that ever was, he never could have
stood it so long, nohow '-glg
Said an old preacher once: Fellow sin
ners, if you were told that by going to the
top Of those stairs yonder (peinting to a
rocky pair at one end Of the church, you
might secure your eternal salvation, really
believe hardly any Of you would try it. But
let any man proclaim that there was five
hundred dollars up there for you, and I'll
be bound there would be such getting up
stairs as you never did seo.' ae,
A clergyman meeting boy of his ac
quaintauce, said: This is quite stormy
day, my SON. Yes. sir, said the bow,
this is quite wet rain The clergyman,
thinking t. rebuke such hyperbole, asked
the boy if be knew personally of any other;'
said the boy. but have read in certain
book OF a time when it rained fire and brin.
stone, and l guess that vas not wet rain
net much it wasn't @GrE aa
A funny story is told Of one Meek. an
Oregon pioneer, great hunter, and man
of much influence in that State. One day
in conversation With an English traveller the
John Bull finally asked: Why. sir. you
must have lived here a long time9' 70 this
Meek replied: 1 have, sir; you may we'll
say that Pointing to Mount Hook, said
he to the Englishman: DO you see that
mountain?' We'll, SIR be said to the inter-
rogator, when l first came to ibis country
that mountain was bole in the ground