Knoxville daily chronicle. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1870-1882, 1871-11-10
The Adventures of William P. Mooney.

In Baltimore, short time ago. the death
of William P. Mooney was announced, and
day was fixed for his funeral, to which
his friends were invited. It seems that
| there were in the city two men named
| William p. Mooney, each of whom had
many acquaintances. Now, the friends of
the living William got an idea he was
dead and so upon the day appointed for
the funeral they repaired to the house
named in the advertisement, for the pur-
pose of shedding regretful tear or two
| over the remains of their departed friend.
The existing Mooney also took a notion to
| call around, partly to see his dead name
| sake and partly that he might ascertain
| how it felt to attend funeral at which a
William 2. Mooney officiated in the ca
pacity of corpse. He arrived when the
| services We're nearly ended, and stood out
IN the Vestibule, waiting for him to con-
clude. When all was over, some of his
own misguided friends started for the
| street. They were amazed and alarmed to
! perceive right in the doorway the figure of
! the man whom they supposed to be dead!
| One of the party thought it must be the
| apparition of Mooney SO he poked it with
| his umbrella to ascertain if he was real.
| This hurt Mr.. Mooney, and made him so
mad that he struck the prober of ghosts
with his cane. Then another of the party
said to him:
why Mooney, what are you doing out
here? A man ought to conduct himself
| better than this at his own funeral !"
"Whose funeral?" said Mooney. ats
none of mineu
''See here Mooney" they all said "why
| don't you behave? You oughtn't to car
ry on so, after all the good things the min
lister said about you. 1t isn't right"
WHO are you talking about?" exclaim-
ed William P, Indignantly. 81 am as
lively as you are ~
"Mooney, this is wrong,n urged the
crowd; "this is all wrong. You know you
are dead /; you know that your family is
roosting around up stairs there, crying and
going on like mad. You ought to have
more respect for their feelings than to be
standing here fighting. Now just go back
into your coffin and let the procession go
quietly to the cemetery without any more
fuSs.o
"Durn the processionr' calculated the
incensed Mooney II am no more dead
than you are.p
''Now, it's of no use arguing the point,
| William, /" said his friends. "The notice
has been published in the papers the un-
dertaker has fixed you up comfortably in
ice; crane has been tied on your door
knob the board of trade has passed reso-
lutions of repect to your memory; they
have bought nice monument to hold you
down, and everything; so you must be
dead. You can't go back to the board of
trade Mr. Mooney-now can you?"
Its a mistake,h said Mooney; "it's all
mistake. Let me explain it to YOU"
ooh, there's no need of explanation"
said his friends, "the corpse is not in or
der. The simple fact is that you are dead
man. Hare's the weeping family there's
the hearse, the undertaken, the minister
and the mourners, and in the parlOr stands
the coffin. Now you have got to go in
and be packed up in that coffin whether
you want to or not. Some men never
know what is best for them, anyhow. We
came here to have funeral, and funeral
we are going to have, no matter if you
don't like it. There is no use of saying
you won't, for you have got to; so come
along
Thereupon they seized Mooney and drag
ged him into the parlor. Those who wit
messed the encounter, say it was terrific.
The report spread that the corpse was loose,
and the undertaken and the pall-bearers
all Joined in the fray, and the combat
thickened until Mooney broke from his
tormenters and darted into the kitchen,
where the undertaken knocked him down
with fiat-iron and pinned him to the
floor with poker through his vitals until
assistance could be secured. The truth
was developed then, and Mooney was car
ried carefully to the hospital in push-cart.
When he gets well, he intends to search
the directory and ascertain if another man
named Mooney lives in Baltimore. If
there is such being, William P, he pro-
proses to ask the Legislature to furnish
him with Chinese name in eighteen syl-
tables, and warranted unlike any other in
the whole realm of nature