Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1871-02-24
JOSH BILLINGS.
ser.p. fr.n His Fother,. AllnIn.,

hALhOlIAnhUNo OF a Ma
TURE.
Whenever yu see a fox ov geese all
standing on one leg. except the old
gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look
out for a southwest WIND tow-morrow,
or the next day, or the day after, or at
sum fewter time. Whenever dogs are
seen travelling aro..nd with nothing to
do, and old lhaids refuse their tea, and
hop vines wont klimb and grindstones
won't grind, then you may expekt q
little crop ov oats, and beans won't
pay for harvesting.
WANTED.-Wanted, several fust-class
yung men, with mustash, tew hang
around the vestibules ov different
churches In Amerika and stare at the
females as they pass out. Yung men
who understand the use ov tobacco
preferred. No yung man accepted
who kant stare the brass buttons oph
from q military coat at twenty PAGES.
This L. a rare chance for yung men NV
real genius. Salary payable weekly.
References exchanged.
The cockroach IL a bug at large. He
IL one ov the luxurys ov c"ivilizashun.
The cockroach IL born on the fust oy
May and tho fust ov November, semi
annually, and IL reddy for use IN III
teen days from date. They are born
four from each egg, and consequently
they are all twins ; there is no SIGH
thing In the annals of nature az a sim
gle cockroach. Their food seems to
consist, not so much ov what they eat,
az what they kin git into, and often
finding them ded In the soup Mt mi
boarding house, I have cum tew the
painful conclushun that the cockroach
kant swim, but that he kan float for a
long time.
70 make good sharp pickles, white
off both ends oy them tew a pint.
Blessed are they who hav no eye for
a key-hole.
lew freshen o salt mackerel, tow
him INT summer behind q steambote.
1t IL human to err, but devilish to
brag OH 1t.
A gentleman IL q gentleman the
world over; 1t IL only the loafers that
differ.
10 learn a dog tew follow well, tie
him tew the hind end ov an express
train.
lew get rid Of cockroaohes, sell yure
house and lot, and flee tew the noun
tains. o.
A dog Is the only thing on this earth
that luVs yu more than he luvs himself.
Opinyuns arc like turnips, worth
what they will fetch.
Courage without discreshun IL like a
ram with horns on both ends-he will
hav more fights on hand than he kan
do justis to.
When you find a man who IL very
solisitus about the welfare ov every
boldly. yu kan safely put him down az
one who IL hunting for q misfortune.
Don't undertake tew live with yure
mother-in-law, hut if wuss comes tew q
wussness, let yure mother-ln-law liv
with yu.
LaSyness IL a good deal like money
the more a man haz ov 1t the more he
seems tew want.
Gravity L. no more positif evidence
ov wisdom than q paper COLLAR IL oy n
shirt,
Every time a man laffs he takes q
kink out ov the chain ov life, and thus
lengthens 1t.
A coquette In luv IL az tame NJ a
bottle ov pop that has stood some time
with the corck pulled out,
| don't kno ov ennything more re-
morseless on the face of the earth than
seven per cent. interest.
lew make clearinghouse hash, take
a little ov everything, o good deal ov
nothing, and throw In a chunk ov sum-
thing Jam to q mux, cook over q kold
fire, season with hair-plns, and serve
up on the jump.
Three skore years and ten iza mans
furlo, and it IL enuff. If n man kant
suffer all the misery he wants In that
time. he must be numb.
What men kant do they are very
apt to admire. They don't criticize n
mountain because they kant make
one.
Thare IL nothing like a sick bed for
repentance-a man becomes so virtew-
Gus he will repent ov sins that he
never committed.
Crate tr~ansgreshuns sceM to bap-
tie themss, fs-if the devil only had
bin guilty ~ petit larceny, he never
wtl'H hav bin heard Of agin.
The man who won't believe emmy
thing he kant see amt so wize az n
mule, for they will kick ut n thing in
the dark.
Whenever a preacher haz preached a
sermon that pleazes the whole congre-
gashun, he probably has preached one
that the Lord won't indorse.
One ov the hardest things for emmy
man to do IL to fall down on the Ice
when 1t IL wet and then get up and
praze the Lord.
Sekrets are kussid poor property
ennyhow ; If yu circulate them yu loze
them, and If yu keep them yu loze the
interest on the investment.