Worcester daily spy. [volume] (Worcester [Mass.]) 1850-1888, 1871-10-20

The ADVENTURES OF WILLIAM P. MOONEY.
In Baltimore, a short time ago, the death OF
VIM. p. Mooney was announced, and day was
fixed for his funeral to which his friends were
two men named VIM. ?. Mooney, each Of whom
had many acquaintance. Now, the friend of
the living William got an idea that he was dead !;
and so upon the day appointed for the funeral
they repaired to the house named in the adyer-
tlSement, for the purpose of shedding a regret
full tear or two over the remains of their depart
ed friend. The existing Mooney also took a
notion to call around partly to see his dead
namesake, and partly that he might ascertain
how he felt to attend funeral AT which a VIM
p. Mooney officiated in the capacity of corpse
lie arrived when the services were near
ly ended, and stood out in the vestibule, wait
ing for them to conclude. When all was over
some of his own misguided friends started for
the street. They were amazed and alarmed to
perceive right in the doorway, the figure Of the
man whom they supposed to be dead! One of
the party thought it must be the apparitou of
Mooney; SO he poked him with his umbrella to
ascertain if it was real, This hurt Mr.. Mooney,
and made him so mad that he strucl; the prOber
OF ghosts with his cane. Then another one of
the party said TO him:
why, Mooney, what are You doing out here
A man ought to conduct himself better than this
to his own funeraW
"Whose funeral2 said Mooney. "ll's none
of mine"
"See here, Mooney" they all said; "why don't
you behave? You Oughtn't to carry on so, after
all the good things the minister said about you.
1t isn't right"
"Who are you talking about?" exclaimed
William p, Indignantly. 81 am as lively as
you areP'
"Mooney, this is wrong" urged the crowd 4;
this is all wrong You know you are dead
you know that your family is roosting all around
up stairs there, crying and going on like mad
OnTlT Il for afp fool
ings than to be standing around here fighting
Now just 90 back into your coffin and let the
procession go quietly to the cemetery without
| any more fuss"
"Durn the procession!' calculated the incensed
Mooney. "Pm no more dead than YOU are p
Now, it's no use arguing the point, William, y
said his friends. "The notice has been pub
| lished in the papers; the undertaken has fixed
| you up comfortably in ice; Grape has been tied
on your door knob; the board of trade has
passed resolutions of respect to your memory
| they have bought a nee marble monument to
hold you down, and everything; so you must
be dead. You can't 90 back on the board of
trade, Mr.. Mooney-uOw, can vOuP
ITS a mistake" said Mooney; OTIS all a
mistake. Let me explain it to YOU"
80, there's no need Of explanation said his
friends, the corpse is not in order. The simple
fact is that you are a dead maui Here's the
weeping family; there's the hearse the under
taker, the minister and the mOurners, and in the
parlor stands the coffin. Now you have got to
20 in and be packed up in that coffin, whether
yOu want to or not. Some men never know
what is best for them, anyhow. We came here
TO have funeral, and funeral we are going to
have, no matter if you don't like it. There is
no use Of saying you won't for you have got to
so come along"
Thereupon they seized Mooney and dragged
him into the parlCr. Those who witnessed the
encounter say it was terrific The report spread
that the corpse was loose, and the undertaken
and the pall-bearers all joined in the fray, and
the combat thickened, until Mooney broke from
his tormentors and darted into the kitchen.
| where the undertaken knocked him down with a
natlron, and pinned him 10 the floor with
| poker through his vitals, until assistance could
De secured. The truth was developed then, and
Mooney was carried carefully to the hospital in
push-cart. When he gets well he intends to
search the directory and to ascertain if another
man named Mooney lives in Baltimore Ii there
is such being, William P. proposes 10 ask the
legislature TO furnish him with a Chinese name
in eighteen syllables, and warranted unlike any
other in the whole realm of nature.