The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1871-08-05
Comic Geography--Amcrica.

America, or as it is most properly
| termed, the United States, is lengthy
patch of ground stretching North and
South from Bosting as far as can be seen
through piece of smoked glas with the
naked eye.
1t was formerly supposed to be 1900
miles long, but from late measurement
it was found to be 1900 miles short.
The United States, in power and ex-
tent, wallops all creation. It is the
most grandiferous, gigantic, glorious
country on the face of the green airth,
anywhere between sunrise and sunset.
The natives are more enlightened--talk
more bunkuun, make better Cocktails"
maaufactnre more sgreenbacks, eat more
pumpkin pie, drive faster trotting horses,
chew more tobacco, expectorate more
4 freely, have more steamboat explosions,
klonger rivers, larger prairies, more quack
doctors, less babies, bigger Bunker Hill
monuments, smaller self esteem, larger
national debt, richer shoddy and petro-
leum aristocrats, larger eagles and bufa-
locs, more Mormons, and more Star
Spangled banners than the natives of
the Sandwich Islands and New Jersey
combined.
13 (Which, kneadless to say, is bakers
dozen) States. The rest have been
taken in since. The Southern States
considered themselves taken an consider
ably, if any dependence can be placed in
the statement of JEFF Davis, a celebrated
Historian and native of Connecticut by
his first wife, ~
4 The inhabitants reside principally in
brown stone houses, and depend, to a
great extent, for subsistence on eating
and drinking. They cat pumpkin pie
and tobacco, and drink Bourbon and
"Jersey Litenin" The climate is tenn
perate, which speaks volumes for the
extraordinary exertions of John b.
Cough.
The principal State is called Massa-
chusetts. This State derived its name
, from the following curious incident !:
Several years ago colored African slave
of the Negro persuasion cultivated the
= tobacco plant 10 the vicinity of Boston,
One day, as one of the Puritans was
passing the slave, he asked the contra
band if he used tobacco.
"No, sar," replied Sambo, at hoes it.,
! but Massa che,cs 1t.
john Quincy Adams was SO senslhly
struck with the originality Of the idea
{. that he Immediately proposed to the
r "selectmen" that they should choose IL
: for the name Of that State
Boston, its principal village, is univer-
n sally known as the aHub" of the Uni
!. verse, around which all creation revolves
i It's chief productions is Crooked Streets
q and Big Organs 1t has aise dong been
J. famous for its Baked Beans and Brown
5 Bread, (Noty BuG9y-John Brown was
i bred in Virginia, but singularly beauti-
i full, classical ballad, supposed to have
: been written by Bret Hartc, states that
. at present .'his body lies mouldering in
!. the ground.'O Boston is justly celebrat.
j, ed for its literati. The greatest living
!, bard resides in the Club" He is called
il the Hub Bard and is supposed to be a
! lineal descendant of Old Mother Hub
!. bard, an adopted wife of Cotton Mather
one of the Pilgrim step fathers. Boston
4 is also noted for its common schools
n because they are on the common, yei
= they are uncommon fine schools. The
Il Commons cool in Winter, and the boys
.e and girls who attend it ponder studiously
A when they are learning-to skate.
, Salem, which is noted for its Witches
% is pleasantly situated in the vicinity O
e Massachusetts. The report that the
Is Witch of Endor had requested to enc
,s her days there, lacks confirmation. TIL,
3 inhabitants subsist principally on sand
Of witches and are generally well bred
,e They are also largely engaged in ship
10 ping. They build vessels and sail EN-,
e In ancient times it was generally suppos
,G ed that the human race was divided int
80 two sexes-male and female. This ide
4 is, however, hardly correct, for by refer
II ring to our atlas it was discovered tha
'b there is Middlesex in Massachusetts,.
he Plymouth was the landing place Q
el the Pilgrim Fathers, who come over i
10 the Great Eastern commanded by Chris
of topher Columbus, which is graphical
Id described in Byron's Pilgrims Progress
h. showing how well the pilgrims progresse
Sc while crawling up the rock. Gener'
a. George Washington is generally know
Cd as the Pilgrim Father Of his country.
ee When quiet small boy he cut dow
,e- dried apple tree to show his motht
nv that he couldn't tell a lie. On Plymout
Rock the first cradle of Liberty ";
rocked by one of the Pilgrim Mothers
IN New Bedford was formerly noted f
ife its rum and whale fisheries, but Ma
lr- tuck-it ALL
is New Hampshire is principallv inhab
IRE ted by mountains. They belong to 4
,re White family, aud consist Of seven
.ep eight peaks, each one averaging abo
ck 5000 feet high-which is very good /
her high. The natives have pcak uli
nal lappearance, and live chiefly on sbod
his tourists who 20 there for change
,an climb The Notch, a deep narrow gor
prk about two miles long through the mou
ind tains. has quite Gorgeous appearance.
Law Maine IS pleasantly located in Eastpor
lrly nearly opposite 70 Grand Msnsn. Gran
He ma Man. Il. said TO be the oldest inhat
,sa taut ia that region. An ssonreliable Gus
usa from Moo Jersey said that Main v
the not worth : dam" This ssatem<
hi. is diabolically false. The kenebes
bly e crossed by prodigious dam crcatil