The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1871-02-02
Wie and Hat7aoTs

wa ana xI27aCTs
'You look as though you were beside
YOURSELF as wag said to fellow who was
standing close 10 donkey
"I'm sitting on the style Mary" as the
fellow said when he coolly sat down on his
sweetheart's new bonnet.
Il have very little respect for tie ties of
this world" as the chap said when the rope
was put around his neck.
\ man excused himself for marrying, by
saying that his friends declared he drank too
much for single man.
by Jove n' said man, viewing revolv-
ing light, ''the wind blows that light out as
fast as the man can light it.
A little girl was heard to wish the other
day that she was boy, so she could swear
when she dropped her books in the mud.
The greatest pain annihilator" in exist
ence is said to be an Indiana boy, who has
smashed thousand windows this year.
Men are capable of greater things than
they perform They are sent into the world
with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their
full extent.
The conductor Of an omnibus said to
young lady, one of his passengers" Mss
your fare" well, if 1 am," she replied
IL don't want any of your ialpcrtnence."
Turtle Dove Lane is the delightful title of
Peoria street where thirty newly married
people have settled They may change the
name to Babylon avenue after awhile.
They tell of farmer in Kentucky who
was so lazy that when he went to hoe corn
he worked 80 slowly that the shade of his
broad brilnlned hat killed the plants.
\ pious young girl of Keokuk, Iowa, has
broken off her engagement because her lover
insisted upon devoting Sunday evening in
coarting exercises.
';Bill," said Bob, "why is that tree called
the weeping willow?' ''Cause one Of the
sneal ing. plaguy things grew near the school
house. and supplied the master with switches"
'sMr. Smithers, how can you sleep so?
The sun has feen up these two hours
"Well, what if he has ?" said Smithers.-
'.He goes to bed at dark, while I'm up till
after midnight"
The latest invention wanted by the ladies'
is 'legometer," to attach to mems pedals, so
that wives may determine the distance tray
eled by their husbands, when they want to
ejust step down to the postofice"
The best mixture" for sick heart is nine
yards of Calico FIVE of broadcloth, four arm,
fuls of humanity, parsons certificate of
matrmony, pair Of canary birds and
bundle of green hollyhocks. Try 'er
A Detroit man took flask of whiskey with
him on shooting trip, and in the course Of
his pereginations on his return struck race
track in the suburbs, which he walked all
night wondering why he did not get home.
A clever fellow last week conceived the
idea that he could fly, and climbed tree,
waved his hand grandly, and struck out
Somehow, the grounds prang up and hit him.
and he crawled into the house, convinced
that flying was not his forte.
Somebody says 'sdevil'' is mean word any
way it mag be written. Remove the d and
it is s'eyil, }" transpose and it is ''vile,' re-
move the y and it is 'sill j" remove the i and !
remains, which has the asprate sound of
s'hell"
Henry Ward Beccher's salary has been in
creased to $40, 600 year. 1t is said to be
very difficult for rich man to get to Heaven
but Beecher, it would seem, either dosn't
believe the story, or has determined to take
the chances Of crawling in under the canvass
Courier Journal.
A devotee of Bacchus was overheard the
other night thus addressing his hat, which
had fallen from his head; 'If pick you up
I fall; if 1 fall, you will not pick me up ;
then | leave you" and he staggered proudly
away.
One Maine editor has sued another Maine
editor for defamation of character and the
defence is understood to be that, in the first
place, The plaintiff had no character to speak
Of, and that, even if he had, nothing the de-
PENDANT could say would injure anybody.
A colored mail carrier in Virginia, having
been well shaken by man for kicking his
dog, turned upon him aud gravely cxpostua-
ted sLook here, massa, you'd better be
keerful how you shakes dis chile! cos, when
you shakes me, you shakes the whole of de
United States; | carries de mail p
Judge Por!ly says the liyeliest time he
ever experienced was on issuing the first mum
Der Of newspaper in Western town.
The people wanted something stirring. He
published the personal history of the leading
politicians by their friends The judge says
that for the first hour they rushed for the pa
per the second hour they went for him.
- A Quakeress, jealous Of her husband,
watched his movements, and one morning
actually discovered the traunt kissing and
hugging the servant girl. Broadbrim was
not long in discovering the face of his wife, as
she peeped through the halfopened door, and
rising with all the GOODNESS ola general officer,
thus addressed her: Betsy, thee had better
quit peeIi 'e, OR thee will cause disturbance
in the family"
DO but the half of what you can, and you