davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

ToURIsT.-'And how old are you, Pad
dyT
Paddy.-'Thirty-iive next Michaelmas,
yer honor, af you count be years; but af
you wor to reckon me age be all the coort-
in, diversions, and divelmeut I've had me
share av' you might safely set me down as
seventy-fve.'
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
WIT AND HUMoR..

ES-'Take off yoar bonnet aud spend the
afternoon, my dear Mrs. Snow. We are
going to have tableaux to night, and l am
sure You would enjoy them" 'Ia, sakes,
thought I smelt sunthin' good cookin',
aud guess | viii stay till after supper
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
EsEAn eccentric friend of ours saws II

EE-An eccentric friend of ours, says the
Litchfold Comm Enquirer, stepped into
q store in the village, which shall be name
less, where some colored bretherin were
doing little trading.
'Ah Mr.. = said our friend, you
have your cousins iu, see.'
The young merchant said nothing, but
looked mad. Our friend stepped out, but
returned, after the sable customers had de-
parted.
Il hope you won't take any offence at
what | remarked here just now,' said he.
'Oh no. said the merchant, Il never
take offence at anything you say
Glad of it, replied our quizzer, the mig
gers are as mad as the ID
And then he slopcd, narrowly missing
flying yard stick.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
tR q y a RT,
Al HIS
MdchineTy Depot,
ClarlxSburG, w. va.

These are easily attached TO Saw Mills or an y
other Power, and warranted 20 grind Flour and
Meal of a superior quality at greater rate Of
speed than any other Mil md 90 it without
heating or any other difficulty. Weight 400
lbs. and occupies 2 feet square Of floor a0.incb
Mills are warranted 90 grind 20 bushels per hour
and many do grind from 80 TO 60 bushels Der
hour. Price, S275
ST within 30 days for any reason, the
mill should not be entirely satisfactory, IT will
be taken back and The money refunded and all
railroad and steamboat charges paid both ,yars
first-class CIRCULAR SAW MILLS and
CAEDING MACHlN rs on hand aud made TO or
der lClarksburg March 10, so.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

Gs-A teacher in a school that stood on
the banks of small river, once wished to
communicate to her pupils an idea of faith.
While she was trying to explain the mean
ing of the word, small covered boat hove
in sight. Selling upon the incident for an
illustration, she exclaimed, IF 1 were to
tell you that there was leg of mutton 10
that boat you would believe me, would you
not, without even seeing it yourselves p
yes, ma'am, replied tho scholars
well, that is faith said the schoolmis
tress The next day, in order to test their
recollection of the lesson, she inquired,
What is faith?
"a leg of mutton in boat, was the an
swor, shouted from all parts of the school
room.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

barOne evening, John Smith had been
dipping rather freely in tho convivial bowl
with friend, and on emerging into the
open air, his intellect became in a consid-
cradle degree confused, and not being able
to distinguish objects with any degree Of
certainty, he thought himself in a fair way
Of losing the road to his own house. In
this perplexity be espied some one coming
towards him, whom he stopped with this
query Dye know where John Smith
lives ? Where's the use of asking that
question 2 said the man, you're John
Smith himself. q know that, answered
John, but it's not himself that's wanted ,
it's his house
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
EDUCATIONAL.
Wrsr VIRclsrA Uyrvrnsrrr.
lS7l-72.

ME last Catalogue shows an attendance Of
i l7l Students at this Institution. Five dis
tinct Departments Of Instruction, with full
corps Of competent Professors.
The Ancient and Modern Languages Mathe-
MATES, pure and applied; Psychology, Ethics,
Political Economy, Logic, Rhetoric, the Scien-
ces &c, &c, carefully and thoroughly taught.
Practical Chemistry, and Physics, illustrated by
appropriate apparatus. Special advantages for
the study of Geology.
good Library. Extensive Cabinets Of Min
eralogy, Geology and Conchology; together
with meny specimens in other departments of
Natural History. Fine Buildings; beautiful and
healthy location good society.
FALL TERN begins Sept. 9Th. Winter, Deem
Der 9Th Spring, March goth. Commencement,
June 10Th.
boarding from 50 to 81 per week.
TUITION, from Sl5 to S24 rer yegr.
For further particulars, inquire of
ALIEN. MARTIN,
PRESIDENT.
Morgantown, ". Va, June ., ls7l.-ly.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
THE NEW MASONIC BLOCK,
SEWING MACHINE.

They also hare t,co Machines for manu-
featuring purposes IF uncqudied capacity,
NEW IN PRINCIPLE 4 DESIGN,
aud like the former, combining he nony
ddcdRtGges ami improvements ukjch time
and experience hare demonstrated ualua
Gic IL aakes tie LOCK STITCH alike
upon both SIDES Of tie .fdLric-VSes a
STRAIGHT NEEDLE and Me SHUT
TIE, consequently requiring no chonge 81
tension an possiag from thin TO thick sub
stances and rice rersd, also erecHtinJ ereiy
possible odriety Of ,corh, such as
HEMMING, TUcKING, TELLING,
RUFFLING, QUILTING, CoRDINu,
BRAIDING, HEM STITcHING,
BINDING, GATHERING,
and Sewing on at same tin
'eiM the utmost precision and Jeauty, stitch
ing either ,cih COnon, SIN or Inner
Thread ,oM equal .JdcH,ty No Sojiiny of
a'orh or CURRENTS possible. No so0ping Of
material 10 be sc'rcd necessary
No scrclcS to be reo,occd for oiiiBg or
cleonipy.
THE Weed Machine took tie h;ghcst ),ri.c
ut the Paris Exposition IN 1861
AN OPINION FROM HIGH SOURCE.
The following is an extract of letter from
JESSE II. LORD, Mechanical Editor Of The Scion
| nc american, to agent of the Weed Sewing
Machine Company, dated June 2lst, 1867
"IhaUe uSed one IF Mc N,c
Weed Machines tor about sic months IN mn
family, and is 1cork is all that any reoson-
aJ(e mum coUid erpect. In addition 10 NE
sotiStoctioa IL giccs tn my rife and danyh-
ter, 'cW ddd my o'cn oPiaiOn as u J,rrc-
hcdt mechanic that for pc1.tection If ,co,k-
md"ship IN IT'S buitd, and case If n,nnjpu-
tdtfon, as 'ceH as simplicity Of construction
and readiness Of adjustment, IL is not er-
cettct by any other .Sewing 1Machi,,c IN he
market / am personally ocguojnted ,cjtb
0te manufacturers IF he Weed .Scring
! UdchiRe, md he excellent manner IN trhich
they construct than is cn0Ugh 10 gicc Men,
a good name. ProJajlY no better nle,],nn-
ics conduct n business IN this country !; an },
oWough / an, undcr no oLiigotio,,s cjthcl.
10 them or ME Wecd .Sc,ciDg JfuchiRc C0ni-
P0"y, am giud To Jcdr testimony Ia He
fdcl'y ofhe craftsmanship and tie caiuc
/ NJ H'e Weed Sc0iD9 MochiHc.
JESSE II. LORD,
Mech Ell Scientific American.
/ RcPdEi"g ofW Machines If ,rhaicrrr
ma"DIoc'ore, by Competent Mchanics.-
-Hochincs caiied FIR NJ rcsi,3ence-re-a,7-
IHsfed 0,,d returned ,edhou dcLoy.
MnchiHcS soh On trims IN accommodate
dH ciasses NJ purchasers
I"sb uctions gicen 10 hose puychosi0g.
s. y. LITTLE,
los BoIto. ST., CumJeripHd, Nd.
N1H 26, 1871
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

ETA wise old gentleman, who knew all
about it on retiring from business gave the
following sage advice to his son and sue
cessor: Common sense, my SOD, is valua-
bic in all kinds of busineess--except love-
making
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

TT A Massachusetts, farmer started home
from Boston few days ago with a barrel
Of whisky and barrel Of molasscs. But
be had balky horse, and all at once he
took a sudden Eotion to take a rest, and re.
fused to bulge. The farmer concluded he
would try new medicine on the horse. and
procuring an armful Of hay he placed it IN
der the horse and set il on fire. The horse
moved forward just far enough for The fire
TO ignite loakholo in the whisky. See
ing the danger the farmer loapcd into his
wagon and rolled out the molasscs; but
when he turned to the whisky the horse
and wagon was gone, a sudden jerk having
dumped the whisky out; thcrcitay shoot
ing the flames high in the air. Pretty soon
there was an explosion and the whisky was
gone The farmer surveyed the spot, took
a long aud steady look at the molasses, and
sciziog big rock stove 10 the head Of the
molasscs barrel, with the remark, III
cant haze any whisky, tho old woman
shan't have any molasses
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

y'Mamma, said a little girl to her
mother, edo you know how get to bed
quick p No. was the reply. 'Wcll,' said
she in great glee, Il step one foot over the
crib, then l say rats and frighten my
self right in
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
NOTICE.

IONTlNCALLY receiving the most des-a
goods in toe market. Wtich We are #lls
at the lowest cash prices -,.
GILKESON & PATIlb
Sept %, 1871.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03

EVA green 'un, who had never before
seen steamboat, fell through the hatch,
way, down into the hold, and being unhurt
thus loudly expressed las surprise WeH,
II tho iurncd thing amt boiler
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
RsE,,When q negro iurY In NIississinni

Sc When negro jury in Mississippi
went out 20 deliberate, one juror asked u
mother as dis Z hanging case p TO be
sure, niger, was the answer. Well said
the frs! juror, dis niger beerd one dem
lawyers say that boys gose comm back
here and hant US if VIC hang him. no 60
for hanging, and have dat boys gose folIcr
me. No, SIR Verdict of manslaughter.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
wonderful FOR the AiIing,
WIuLr1BLE DISCOVERY!
TIE rNBIvALED
southern TICDafic pills

TIE lNRfNALLED
southern IIcpntic pills
are confdGHY recommended Ia all per.oos
"trr'"y tram DYVTsjo oy B1ioU, dis-
eoses Thy are comDouudlJ bv n smith
crH minister ~ ne g2IJd, uLosl o,ra dis-
,7sc led 10 me discorc,y ofHc reD,c1y In
1873 he 'r1s reivc,d 10 ~ sklIctg5,. anu
pronounced ~ Hr,e skiHfDI yhvsicj1us p,
be beyo"d cure. III has sace Jcen m Hc
rlJWo1 P0"or0to for more huu Hiyt1 vcars
-y'0rs I'M, of serero iqbor and y, - cr.
Po0yc. THY hare ,crougL, ro IN
thr r're ~ diccsos arising fran, ~ disor-
derea brer. The m0Ecr NJ M milk has
sec" orcy fire hUn8red persons as L,,c as he
~7s. gHtfsIy auoJ bz the use oT H,,o.-
call .poa lis arc " DEEHG. No.
- No"b f1hionu So, Bg1timorc, amt pro-
e'r, circular gratis, ar send far sumo by
o'08 Dr sHerr's3 opclosing stump 10 poy
for posi1gc.
for sgle "a, the Drug Stare If ". n
'loliD Will. Homuc1, Wla Va.
Any~i Is, 1S7l.-i1
AVA I1enrr1 md Rio Coffee, rs low as the
- lowest Cor saleby
GiLKESON & PATTIE.
ROmncy May g 1871
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
II ATS.

We are constantly receiving the latest STYLES
Of Gentlemen : and Boys Hats direct from New
York city, which We will sell at very low phi
ccs.
TRUNKS, CARPET-BAG & VALISES
Our stock of Trunks, Carpet Bags and yalisse
cannot bc equaled in variety, quality or prices
this side Of New York II embraces all of the
diherent styles now in the market Beautiful
Russell colored Tra7eling Bags for Ladies at on
ly 81 -.
SHOENAKERS, ATTENTION.
We have the largest stock of Sole Leather. Calr
Zip and Upper Leather and Shoe Findings In
Western Maryland, and al the LOW EST prices
Call aud examine.
TO THE PUBLIC
We return our thanks for the very liberal patron.
age given us, and respectfully nsk continuance
promising you better goods and lower prices
than any other store in our business in Cnmtet.
land Call and see the bargains advertised above.
~ we will take great pleasure in showing yOa
our stock. Remember,
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
TO THE SUFFERING.

The Rev. William II. Norton while residing
in Brazil as Missionary, discovered in that land
of medicines a remedy for CONSUMPTION. ScRoFU.
IA, SoRE THROAT, CoUGHs, CoLDs, ASTHMA. AND
NERVOUS WEAKNESS This remedy has, cured my
self after all other medicines had failed.
Wishing to benefit the suffering, | will send
the recipe for preparing and using this remedy
to all who desire il FREE OF CHARGE.
Please send an envelope with your name and
address on it. Address,
Rev. WILLIAM II. NORTON,
676 BROADWAY,
- New York City.
Sept. 90, 1S71.--1y.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1871-11-03
jSe,ring Machines :!
COMPETITION DEFIED!!

We sell the Singer, Wheeler & Wilson,
Hore, Elliptic, Grorer 6 Baker, Weed,
Parham, Key stone, Blees, Cold Metal, 4.
naericdn Combination, Ddcis, Empire, FIN
hle d; lynn, Wlcor DC Gibbs, ,oih complete
outfit, latest Improvements, all extra dttoch-
me,,ts and case at $50.
The Wilson, Folsom, Mclean d, Hooper,
BdrthTdm 4; FdWton ruth outfit, Improve
n1catS, all crtra attachments and case at
s3S.
The Buchcye, Diamond, Ancrjcaa, Home
Shuttle, Bristol piM oUtft, table, attach
ments and case at $50.
The Common Sense, Ocfagon, Banner
and all other hand machines icih outfI,
hemme' ond tuckcr at Sl2. No toy ma
chimes SpH
4 complete set Of attachments for hem
ming Ji"e, coarse and ,ridc, GiRdjng an
materioI, qUHipg, Uchjng and n,ohjpg the
nert h,ch, rub'iag and gathejne, doing o.
ray 'cih baStiny 0hogethcr. Mute 10 sint
o"y machine. only ME complete set sol1,
SIS.
KNITTING MACHINES The LamL
at $50; the Crane at S45; tie HtnhIey-
Diamond So the BickJord, AD,crican-
EsSich, NcIC Uaren $40.
H t. X Nj -.
When the money IS sent ,cih the or,1cy
zee ship 'cih all freight cbargcs prcpod as
tar as the Mississippi, or sent e. d. d On
receipt Of hay the amount, and charges
addcH
L. PERKINS q GO.
81 King Street, Wilmington, Del
Nov. %, 1S7O.-Iy.
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

A PETRIFTED HUMAN BEING. - A Ms
Hollister, Of Hamilton, gives some facts
concerning the pstri6cation Of an old
lady nsmed Mrs. Fanny Briggs who
died fifteen years ago, aged 20, and who
was buried about two miles northw Of
Somerville, Preble county, Ohio, Three
days ago her friends dug up the body for
the purpose of bringing it to Hamilton
and placing it in their family vault at
that place. The great weight Of the
contents Of the coffin, induced the sexton
to open it, and all who Witnessed the
proceeding were astonished on holding
what was once Mrs. Briggs In the flesh
had been transformed almost entirely into
solid stone, and now weip hing over 500
pounds instead of 186-her weight be-
fore she died. In digging her Ar.s
grave wster was found, and IL had to b.
balled QUITO receive her remains. The
presence Of the water, containing lime
and other material, is supposed to be the
cause Of the petri6cstiOn.f During the
two days the rsmsins Of Mrs. Briggs
were kept 10 the receiving ysultst Hsmil-
Ton, they were visited BY q large number
of citisens of both sexes, who were
amazed at tho curious phenomenon, so
rare of occurrence.
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06
4 newspaper comes, to the Tribune frou

A newspaper comes to the Tribune from
q Western city with this on the margin |:
TX, or be damned" The alternative 10
fearful, but, as Of two evils, the Tribune
makes II . rule to choose the least, and
declines to tx" A "little story" js sp
propriate here. Some years ago young
man Of culture and good taste went to
hear we'll known ranting preacher.
Getting disgusted before tho sermon was
half through, he left his seat and was
going on-tip toe towards the door, when
tho preacher roared out: "Young man !
bad you vather 20 10 hell than hear mo
pveach a. Somewhat startled st 9Arst,
the young nan fseed about. and, with o
gsseefsl bow, responded, '.On tho whole,
parson, ! think would" ~
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

Francis Greeley. aged eighty. often
ssid he would bs willing to die when be
had sssn his youpssss grand daugh hter
married. He attended her wedding the
other evening. near 81. Louis. and taking
part 10 tho dance, fell dead, without 4
groan, at her feet Exchange.
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

A gentleman in his esserness at the
table TO aasver . call for some apple pie,
owine % tho knife clipping on tho bottom
OF the dish found his knucklss buried in
the crust, when wae who "a. opposite
him very gravely observed whilst be held
his plate "Sir, u trouble you sor u
bit while your hand i. in.''
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

/ Ysuksnnoek. Pa, comes forward with
a'yousg lady who on Monday last did
large washing. sweptths house from top
10 bottom. serubbed down tho stairs,
made By hsud twsnty- -6ve button holes,
sewed on twenty I've -buttons: shsmmed
swrappsr, run up Eve tseks; on tho
wrapper. mades eyeral calls hofose supper.
oil in one day. In tho evening shs stayed
at home with her mother like good girl.
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

V NJ. D. Bloss Of the Ciuein ssGi Euaui-
rer hss established the reputation - the
worst ponman 10 the world, On recent
wager asto the Specification OF his sigma
ture, ono printer guessed Il was "l3ird Of
Freedom" and the other, Warranted to
wash" Blofst himself. having been
questioned, declared the uystsrious char.
acters meant "Francs o. = Aepebiis..e
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

A young woman 10 Maine, vho has
suffered much from ear ache. 70, two
year. past has just ssperisneed decided
relief BY the expulsion ofa beetls bug
three quarters Of an inch in length frum
her car.
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

Y The spirit Of the age is getting snoug
the Fsispds. In Baltimore they have
built : meeting ,hoase. vith from. Of
pressed brick, and brown s,oas trim.
miogs. The interior Is a,.si up with
walnut, cushions, and carpets. '
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06
I'x;qa 'ox;,qcaa,l al an, k,oa ~ {hioe for hour,

circus do this kind OF thing Tor hours,
YOU know" weA Wpas tiT5 ahl "a
. II wss gross sxsresration; ; and I felt
il to be one. I wss gettiog faint also.
l had undertaken too much and his
language at times was still siolcut, 10 he
cndeavored to exsricate his hand. 7 "
"If I should die, sir," / said feebly.
"will you please give my love to Clara
Tell her did oil could to bear up--snd
to bear you up. oh, dear ! did you say
nine stone ten 2"
fe7"I did." "ihiaT ncihs~s hneo 9'i.
7"You're giving |" he roared seain,
with vehemsnce that revived me. keep
up . little longer, my dear boy. l cap
hear them coming in the distance"
Which was another falsehood but n o
matter. Mr.. Rowlcy was not truthful
man. / set myself firmly against the
tree, according to his instructions, but il
was Of no avail, My heels, in few
more minutes, would slide gracefully
away from me, was certain, and the
guardian Of my Clara would be swinging
about by one arm, like an early Christian
martyr. His blood would be on my head,
and so would he, If he came down with
his whole weight-perhsps armless-on
the top Of me. .1fs r..,
keep up!' be cried in great fright
now. "You shall see Clara when you
like, my boy. l will not say word
against the match any moro. You're
fiue, strapping, brave fellow, that you are
"a young Hercules?" -cuf ,F.d
"Thank you, Mr.. Rowley," answered;
and his words did sustain me little, and
helped me to sustain him.
But l was sliding, slowly, bat surely,
from under his feet when assistance ar
rived men with ladders, and saws, and
chisels and Clara, too, wild with fright,
and with tears streaming down her
cheeks. ie7ieitrr sas -.1al aiF H
3 ~, my poor gnrdyi" she cried; 20
you wicked Alphonse it's all your
dreadful fault"
This was the last feather on the camel's
back. l fell forward, and grand rush
Of the servants at Rowley's legs only
saved the guardian from a summary dis
location on the spot. He was got down
with difficulty, and once down. be was not
grateful. @>' '.-
"A pretty fool you have made of me,
he said to Clara, as he walked away rub.
bing his wrist: "aud o pretty pair Of
fools you and that boy are, too"
STILL after oil he was not so bad as I
Expected to find him He was a man
who kept his word, and for that have
always respected old Rowley. Clara and
I saw each other 10 . more rational
manner. l went to the hall once or
twice; she was at my house on my cigh
teenth birthday, at a little party which
my mamma absurdly called '.juvenile" in
the invitations; and there Jack Edwards
was too attentive to Clara. and raised q
jealous demon in my breast.
| went to London shortly afterward.
Clara and were to be engaged when l
"passed," and if were ofthe same mind,
her guardian said But we we're not.
While was walking the hospitals fel.
low in the tallow trade walked off with
Clara, and do not think she resisted il
the least. -.
It was an excellent match, though he
was forty seven, and very stout. | won't
down to the wedding, and returned
thanks at the breakfast Tor the brides
maids, one Of whom has promised to be
mine when | act up in business for my.
self. '-''
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-06

.
lie COULDN'T TELL A LIE.-Alf Bru.
nett, in one Of his letters to The People,
Of indianapolis, relates the following
anccdote .' ''' '.'v 12'i o. nssp0
"By the by, o good story is told of
Ben. Butler and his notorious honesty.
A short time since, Ben Butler and Wen.
dell Phillips had business with tho Pres.
ident, and arm in arm, proceeded to call
upon him. The President was busy aud
sent word that be would see them pres
emily. Phillips and Butler stro.led out
into tho conservatory, in the rear of the
White House, thence into the garden.
Butler and Philips were engaged in an
animated conversstion upon some topic,
Butler became eighty excited. -,
"a large Ratchet, belonging to the gar.
dener, was beside tree Butler oasu-
ally picked it up, and, while talking, ho
made seversl deep CACHES with it into
some Of General Grants favcrite trees.
just at this juncture. the President ap.
pearinr, Butler hastily secreted it under
his coat tails. 'ig tNr ia'sh
- "After the compliments Of the day,
the President spied for the 6rst time Bis
mutilated tree, and with tones of vehe.
mence, inquired who had been cutting
and Rashing that tree. After few
moments pause, Butler stepped brsvcly
up TO the President, and took him By the
hand, saying 'Mr. President. I .csnuot
tell lie; | cannot tell . lie /; Wendell
Phillips did itr"