Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1871-06-06
THE DARWINIAN THEORY.
The Monkeys Hear of 10, and Hold an Indigna.
ton Meeting.

The Monkeys Hear Of 10, and II old an Indigna.
uon Meeting.
Darwin's theory concerning the
descent of man, is creating a tire.
mendous sensation among the mon
keys. They have just heard of it,
and are terribly exercised. They
repudiate the whole theory. That
man descends from them they con-
slider slur on the entire monkey
race.
A cage of John Robinson's mon.
keys held an indignation meeting
over the matter the other day, after
the performance. A venerab 10
chimpanzee, whose gray hairs en-
titled him to the distinction, was
made chairman, and sitting in a
swing, presided with the utmost dig
nifty. BE got little excited in his
speech as he took the chair, but this
was pardonable under the circum-
stances "What," exclaimed this ven-
cradle babboon, "Man descended from
us l repudiate the idea with scorn.
true we nave our faults.
ave are accused of cutting up
monkey shines sometimes, and not
without cause but this attempt to
make US father the human race is
altogether too much. 1t is not
enough that poverty requires us to
travel around the country in this
manner to make living; to exhibit
ourselves to gaping men, women and
children, at SO much head when
two-thirds Of them haven't any head
to speak of, without having it flung
in our faces that we originated the
pack of fools styled men 2"
His remarks were received with
every expression of delight possible
to the monkey. Some stood on sheir
pyramidal heads, Others hung by their
tails, while others threw fiip-faps
from one end Of the cage to the
other.
A monkey who had travelled much
and seen great deal, and who had
probably used the cats paw to pull
more chestnuts out of the fire than
any other monkey of his age, next
addressed his fellow monkeys:
Said he: "This Darwin has infict.
ed disgrace upon us that no mon
key of any self-respect will hesitate
to resent. fling his base insinua-
tions back into his teeth IA wild
CHATTER of applause.] If man indeed
was descended from us, what fall
was there, my countrymen Pro-
longed bowls Of derision.1 If had
this base slanderer of our race-this
Darwin, who darwin fame by ira
ducing US [ would r-r-r-rend him to
pieces with these pendactylion hands,
and whip him to death with this pre-
hensile tail !" Immense cheering
The chairman interrupted the
speaker TO remind him that no puns
would be allowed. Nobody but men
perpetrated puns, and a pun was al
together beneath the dignity of any
monkey who mad the least respect
for himself. The speaker promised
to be more guarded in the future, and
proceeded with his remarks.
''Look at the tollies men perpetrate
every day. Did you ever know
monkey to make such fool of him
self as they do? Did you ever know
monkey to buy ticket to a men,
agerie and 60 staring around and
making remarks about better people
than himself? Did a monkey ever
get drunk, or talk about his neigh.
bors, or wear plug hat (unless it
was fastened on his head by q de-
testable ringmaster,) or sue for a di-
vorce, or lace, or color his whiskers,
or go into bankruptcy, or cheat the
printer, or get elected Councilman,
or run bar account, or eat hash, or
or run for Congress Never -
Screams and screeches of assent
"Man descended from the monkey
indeed If we were descended from
man it would be sufficiently disgrace
full. | get ashamed when l think
there is possibility Of a connecting
link. Look at them in their politi-
cal conventions. In our most idiotic
moments did we ever yell and howl
as they do?
look at them in Congress. A
whole menagerie on drunk couldn't
behave worse. And where did they
get it? They didn't get it from us,
that is q sure thing. The key to
their cussed nonsense is not the mon
key. An admonishlng shake of the
head from the PRESIDENT Mr.. Oar
win must seek for his ancestry else
where, and let the monkey alone
He might perhaps trace it to the
beasts of the field or the birds of
the air, (what is more likely, the
jackass -
Tremendous applause followed his
speech. After some further remarks
on the part of distinguished monkeys
OF ike tenor, the meeting passed a
series of resolutions utterly repud-
iating the Darwinian theory, and
adjourned.
sN-I 1t it very noteworthy fact in
connection with the religious pros
pect of the world, that the education
of the Japanese is coming 80 much
into the hands of Protestant Christ
tians. The japanese, government