The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1871-03-16
SUIT LovengO0d's Shirt.

You know l boards with Bill Carr
at his cabin on the mountains, and
pays for sich as gifts when have the
money; and for sich as l gifts when
I hav'nt any, why he takes one third
out Of me cussin, and she, that's his
wife Bets, takes out the 'tother two
thirds with her battiin stick, and the
interests more than the principal-a
heap more. She is the cussedest wo-
man ever seed anyhow, for jaw and
pride. She can scold blister into
a bulls face right on the curl in two
minutes-and pattern after every fash
ion she hears tell Of, from bussels to
britches. Oh! she 8 one Of 'em, and
sometimes two or three.
Well, You see I got some cotton
truck to make shirt outen, and coax,
ed Bets to make 1t, and about the time
it was done here comes lawyer Jon
son along and axed for breakfast I
wish it had pisened him. durn his h ide
and wunder it didn't for she cooks
awful mixcns when she tries. I'm
pizen proof myself or I'd bin ded long
ago.
Well, while ws were eatin' she spied
out that his shirt was stiff and mighty
slick; so she never rested till she
worried it out Of him that prepera-
ton of -four did it, and she got few
particulars about the proceedings out
on him, and set in and billed big pot
of paste-nigh onto peck Of it-and
soused in my shirt and let it soak
awhile; then she took it and ironed it
ont fat and dry, and sot it up again
the cabin in the sun. Thar it stood
as stiff as dried hoss hide, and it
ratified like sheet iron--it did. 1t was
pasted together all over. When l
come to dinner nothing would do but
1 must put it on.--Well Bets aud me
got the thing open after sum hard
work. she 4 pullin' at one end OF the
tail and me at the 'tother, and I got
into it. Durn that new tangled shirt,
I say. Ifelt like had crawled into
bee gum and it full Of ants; but it
was Ike lawyer Jonson's and l stood
it like a man, and I went to work to
build Bets an ash hopper. / worked
powerful hard, and swetted like a
boss, an when the shirt got wet it quit
hurtin'.
After l got done Itook about four
fingers of red eye and crawled up in
the cabin to take a, snooze. Well,
when wake,l up I thought l was dead
or had the cholera, for all the jints /
could move war my ancles, wrists and
knees--could not move NY head or
scarcely wink my eye--the cussed
shirt was pasted fast onto me all over
from the ends of the tail to the plnts
of the broad ax color over my ears.
Il sot az close to me as the hide on a
poor COW 10 March. / strained and
squirmed till l sortsr got it broke al
the shoulders and elbows, and ther
dun the durndest foolishes thing
ever iun in the mountains. shnfilet
nv bretches of and tore loose from
my hide about two inches of the tai
all around in much pain and tribula
ton. Oh! but it did hurt. Then
tuck up plank inter the loft and huns
my legs down through the hole ane
nailed the edge Of the front tail to- th'
door in front of NE, and tie hind tai
/ nailed to the plank I sot on, the'
uubuttoned the collar and wristbands
raised my eyes, said grace and then
jumped to the ground floor,
Here Sut remarked sadly: 'Geo.
I'm a darnder fool than ever da'
| was. hoss, hornet nests and ali. II
drown myself one Of these days, Sc
| i'll don't" .. a
"well, 90 on Sut, did the shir
como OFF, "It.h-i-n-k 1T did!