Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1871-04-21
HI NIERSONIE


she wouldn't be cooel, but she couldn't
A smart boy was asked by his father what
business he would follow "Themarble business.
and want ten cents to buy stock, was the
promp, ieply-
q" Wnst did the lsrselites DO after they crossed
/ the Rel Sea-" asked a superintendent Of a Sun
dsy-school " They dried themselves o" said
/ shrill-voieed little girl.
\ laly, leaving home, WAS thus addressed by
little boy " Mamma, will you remember
and buy me penny-whstle2 and let it be a re
I iigious one, 80 that can use it on Sunday
An Old merchant instructed his clerks thus
When a man comes into the store, aud talks
Of honesty watch him If he talks Of his wealth.
don't try TO sell him if he talks Of bis reli-
ci0u, dent trust him dol ar
90 Who's that gentleman, my little man - was
asked Of an urchin. ' That one with 4 spiked
tailed coat p" "Yes," =" was the response e Why,
he's breyet-uncla Of mine 50 How's that ,''
vas asked b" Cause he's engaged to my aunt
Mary"
Sc o doctor l said an elderly lady recently to
doctor H, the celebrated bone-setter, in des-
cribing the effect of diseased spine, - | can
neither lag nor ssi'' 80 In that case msdam," "
replied he, d" should recommend the proprieiy
OF ro5siiag."
An old farmer said to his sons, - Byys, don't
you ever spekerlate, or wait for suthin to turn
up. You might just well 90 sn' sit down on
a stone in the middle Of medier, with pail
s;wixt your legs. Al wait for 4 COW to back up 10
you to be milkei s"
They tell Of a Partisan laly who during the
Siege was so overcome by her appetite a. 10 eat
her beloved lAp-dog After hesrty meal she
looked down AZ the little heap OF bones tears
fell from her eyes. Poor BiiOu 80 she ex-
claimed. ." how he would have enjoyed hem 80
Sc Gently, gently blow, ye breezes, Ger the
crave where Charlie lies: It is for You thst
mothers weeping, it i for you that father sghs."
is a ve-y feeling specimen Of funeral poetry and
INSTRUCTED sympathy.
A gentleman came near losing bis wife, who
tell into a river running through his estates
He announced the narrow escape 10 his friends,
expecting their congratulations Oue Of them,
q course = grabbed oh bachelor, wrote back.
'' | always told you the river was too shallow"
A widow, being cautioned by her minister
about flirting, said tha, che knew it was wrong
for unmarried ladies' to frt, but the Bible was
her authority. Il ss1 widows mite She
was flirting swflliy at last accounts. her pastor
acknowledging that Widows mite -
At Lawrence, Kansas, on Sunday. while
minister was holding forth in the church,
crowd got up cock-fght in theysrd. The peo-
pie who had congregsted to hear " the word
went out 20 put stop to the fight, but waited
until the battle WAS over before 0bieciing The
minister looked out Of the window at the crowd.
sui said, &c BE are sll miserable sinners. Which
whipped t''
\ British seaman, while three sheets in the
wind, and enjoying nightly his first evening Of
a three days leave on shore, suddenly and rude
iy ran foul Of the admiral Of the feet, and near
ly upset him Whereupon subaltern officer
seized Jack by the collar, and exclaimed " How
dare YOU insult an Admirsl. Knight. Baron
Knight, ami Knight Of the Garter 80 Sc don't
care sait Jack, " for tonight. tomorrow
night, or the night Af,er ~
4 friend relates comicsl story Of an Irish-
man who wentin grief 70 = ueighbor to get some
Of the women to lAy his grandmother out for
burial. Accordingly, that night couple OF
the la1ies went over, when 70 their great aston
ishmeuts the man met them, with L" No hurry 4;
she .>n'i dead jst yet but ye may begin bilin'
the ws'er 10 wash her"
said loving wife to her husband, - VIII you
never learn my dear. the difference between real
and exchauceahle value" The husband tired
Of political economists in pettico.ts, replied.
" Al yes, my dear ! know your great learn
ing and many virtues. That's your real value.
Bu; know also thst none ofmy married friends
would swap with me. That's your exchange
able value
Coincident- Young Pumpcourt (not being
quite really with his rent, when the landlord
calls, thinks it bes, to ind fault with his new
Louse) &c Now, look at these doors Don't 1T,
you see p" Landlord and Builder Ouse
must have time 10 settle, you know sir 80
Young Pumuclurt (s,ruck with the hea)-
8" All iust 50. Exactly Precisely my case,
Mr.. Wentscott ~
At a certain college the senior clss- was uu-
der examination for degrees. The professor of
natural philosophy ba3gering in optics.
The point under illustration was that, strictly
and scientifically speaking, We see no object.
but their imsgss depicted on the retins. The
worthy professor 10 order TO make the matter
palmer, said to the.wag of the class, % Mr.. Jack
son, did you ever sctusy see your father 80
Bin replied promptly, No, sir" '' Please to
explain why you never saw your father - " Be
cause, replied Mr.. jackson, gr4vely, "he
died before Wac born, sir
4 certain cood-ustured Old Vermont farmer
preserved his constant good nature let what
weud turn up. One day, enc Of his men came
in, bringing the news that one Of his red oxen
WAS dead. ' Is he ?" said the old man. ''Well.
he always vas breschy cuss Take his hide
oa sni carry it down TO Fletcher's it will fetch
the cash An hour or so afterwsrd the man
came back, with the news that " Line5ack -
and his mste we're both dead. " Are they 80
said the Old man. ." Well. | took them Of B. to
save bal debt that never expected to get.
Il is lucky that it sat the briuiles" After the
lapse Of another hour the man came back again.
TO tell him that the nigh briudle was dead. Ill
he.'' said the old man. " Well. he was very
old OK. Take OF his hile, and take it down 10
Fetcher's it is worth cash, and will bring
mo.e than any two 0f the others" Hereupon.
his wife, who was very pi0us soul. reprimand-
ell her husband severely, and askel him il he
Was not aware that his loss was judgment Of
heaven upon him for his wickedness. IL it,"
said the Old fellow. " Well, if they will take
the Judgment in cattle, it is the easiest way |
can pay it,