The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1871-07-06
Josh Billings on Corn,

Korn is seriel; an glad ov it.
1t got its name from Series, prinitif wo
man.
Horn is saatimos called maize, and i:
grows in sum parts Of the western country
very amaizenly.
| hay seen it out thar IL foot hi Il don't
mean the aktual corn itself, but tie tree on
which 1t CREWS
Korn has ears but never has but one ear,
which is as def as an adder.
Injun meal IL made out ov korn, and korn
dodgers are the tuffest chunks ov the bread
perswashun known few man.
Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with
injun meal MKT into it, and then baked on
hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.
When you can't drive ten penny nail into
them with sledge hammer, they are sed oi
good Judges to be we'll done, and are ready
to be chawed upon.
They will keep FIVE yeas in damp place,
and not gro tender, and la dog hit with one ov
them will yell for a week, and then crawl un-
der the barn and mutter for two days more
I hav knawed two hours myself on one side
ov a korn dodger without producing emmy
result, and [ think [ could starye to death
twice before could scduce corn dodger.
They GET the name dodger from the imme-
diate necessity Of lodging if one is how hor
izontally at yu in anger.
Il IL far better to be smote bi 3 year old
steer than a korn dydger that is only three
hours old
Korn was first discovered by the injuns
but whar they found it i don't know, and i
don't know as care.
Whist (pnf,la uh;St aaN ic nadn ont ~
corn, and whisk zee is one ov the greatest bless
ings known tew man
We never should have bin able tew fill our
state prizons with onergetick men, and our
poor houses with good caters, if it want for
noble whiskce.
We never should have bin emmy temper
anee sons Of society, nor democratic polyti-
ticians, nor prize flies, nor good murders, nor
PLAT aldermen, nor whiskee rings, nor moth
ing if it want for blessed whiskee.
If it want for korn how could emmy boldly
get horned.
And if it want for getting horned what
would life be worth,
We should all sink down to the lev.
ell of the brutes if it want for getting horned
The brutcs don't get horned, they hailt
got emmy reason nor soul.
We often hear Of drunken brutes -
This is compliment to oxen which don't be-
long tew them.
Korn also haz kurnes, and kurnels are
often horned so are brigadier generals
John Kake is made out ov korn so is has.
ty puddin.
Korn was familiar tew antiquity. Joseph
waz sent down into Egypt after som korn,
but his brothers didn't want him to CO. so
they took pity On him and pitted him in a
pit.
When his brothers got back hum and were
asked WHARF Joe waz they dind't acknowl-
edge the korn, but lied som.
It has been proved that it IL wicked to lie
about korn, or emmy Of the other vegetables
Thare is this difference between Icing and
saving wood, it is easier to lie espeshly in
the shade.
Korn haz one thing that nobody else haz
got, and that is kob.
This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn,
and il az phull Of korn as JOB waz ov bies.
[ always feel sorry when [ think ov job
and wonder how he managed tew set down in
chair.
Knowing how tew set down square on chair
without hurting the chair il one ov the lost
arts.
Job was kard he had more pachunce
and giles tew the square inch than il usual
One hundred and twenty-five akers ov
korn to the bushel il considered good krop,
but | hav seen more.
[ have seen korn sold for 10 cents bush
ell, and in some parts ov the western contry it
is SO much that there amt no good law
against stealth it.
In konklushun. if you want tew get sure
krop ov korn, and good price for the krop,
feed about four quarts ov it tew shanghi roos-
ter, then murder the rooster Immediately, and
sell him for seventeen cents a pound, krop
and all.