Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1871-08-31
HUMOROUS.

How is II Mount VcsuVlus never
sleeps? 1t is always yawning.
"A Warning for Fashionable Assem-
blies-Look out for the paint.
If you're asked to take an egg, and
won't, is that an egg-ative reply?
Young ladies suffering from pane in
the side, may relieve it by wearing a sash.
The most accomplished fencers in
America are the rail fencvrs.-Boston Post.
"A newspaper advertisement calls for
a plain cook, able to dress little boy five
years old
What is the difference between a
wagon tire and hoop skirt? One en-
circles the felloes, the other don't.
Advice to Farmers.-Thrash your
corn as much as you think necessary, but
don't pull it's ears otf--that's brutal
"A girl may be sure man loves her
unutterably when he sits in her presence
for an hour without speaking.
New Arithmetic How long shall
you be gone on your vacation, NedY"
"Oh, about three shirts time
"A dandy on shore is disgusting to
many, but swell of the sea sikens every
body.
"A bad marriage is like an electric ma
chine; it makes you dance but you can't
let 60.
The perfumers' business ought to be
very lucrative. OF all trades, it brings in
the best per-scentage.
If the ants give an example of indus.
try, it is much more than q great many
uncles do.
There are two classes that catch at
straws-drowning men and lovers of cob
blers and juleps.
"A man, who was very i'll, was advised
to send for physician. But he said, "No,
if am to die, let me ole at my leisure"
Irish Irate Cabby.-" What dye name
running fornenst the horses head? Ill
had knocked ye down and kilt ye, ye'd be
]ulnpin' up an blaming me-"
"A young lady who was perfectly thun-
derstruck at hearing of her friends en-
gagernent, has since been provided with a
lightniug-rod.
-Titusvillians express value in terms of
oil barrels. Thus they speak Of fash
ion4ble young lady as wearing an eighty
six barrel opera suit.
1t takes just 247 curls for the head Of
city belle. The barber begins at ten
o'clock in the morning, and gets through
at about nine at night.
Small but active bootblack to wearer
of thirteens: "Say, boss, leme black yer
boots; do it for five cents an acre, and
warrant it done before sundown."
-"Don't Quaker never take his hat of
to any one, mammal" No, my dear" III
he don't take.off his hat to the barber, ma,
how does he get his hair cutl"
"A man, in an ecstatic mood, exclaimed :
"Woman is the prSaaeval cause Of all hap
pinessl" when by-stander remarked
mo doubt, for she is the prime eoI her.
SELF"
The Chicago Common Council are
going to Salt Lake City, and an exchange
says it is understood that their purpose is
to strike decisive blow at polygamy by
distributing Chicago divorces among the
MormOns.
"A man was arrested recently for black
ing his Wite's eyes. If men would marry
black-eyed women in the first place, it
would save q heap Of trouble. They
wouldn't need to be frcscoing their eyes
every little while.
81 say, Jones, that's shocking bad
hat of yours. Why do you wear such a
hidcous thing?" because, my deah
feliah, Mrs. Jones declares she will not 20
out Of the house with me till get better
one"
"A certain editor who carries conceal
ed weapons is searching for the writer on
health who sent the editors wife circular
recommending that carpets should be
taken up and beaten every month.
"A bashful young man was escorting q
bashful young lady, when she said, en-
treatingly; "Jabez, don't tell anybody you
beaued me home" "Don't be afraid, re-
piled he, II am as much ashamed of it as
you are"
"A wise old gentleman, who knew all
about it, on retiring from business, gave
the following sage advice to his son and
successor: "Common sense, my son, is
valuable in all kinds of business-excsp pit
love.makirg."
-"Well, sambo, what's yer up to nova
He! guess yer is; what department do
does the circular work." whats dat?"
"Why, turns de grindstone."
How pleasant a surprise it is to see
the miracle of novel motion in objects
that are usually inanmate! We have seen
rope walk, note run, watch spring, a
horse fly, and Saratoga hop, and next
summer we shall 80 over the Rockys to
see the Big Trees leave and the Pacific
slope.-CAicago Post.
The editor of the Elmira Adoertiser
has poor luck buying medicine. He says:
~ went to drug store early one morning
for dose of morphine for sick friend.
The night clerk objected to giving it to me
without prescription, cvidt ntly fearing
thAt | might destroy myself: Pshaw! !
kill myself?' Gazing a: me steadily for
be greatly W tempted to kin myself"