Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-11-09
Humorous Readings.
Court plaster-Kisses.

Court plaster-Kisses.
A great ocean race-fshes.
An attached couple-Oyster shells.
Eyes have they. yet see not-Needles.
Any two apples are alike if they are
pared.
Smoking in the streets is prohibited
in Chicago.
Ears have they, yet hear not-Old
book-lesves.
The quickest trip-on an orange peel.
The best waiting-maids-Elderly fe-
males unmarried.
EvergreeDs-People who don't take the
papers.
What can you not name without break.
ing it? Silence.
Perpetual motion the previous ques-
ton in Congress.
You cannot preserve happy domestic
pairs in family jars.
Disc-couraging-That the comet will
rot get round anywhere else very soon.
her husband-she is his proper tie.
The wisest of men must be totally out
of his latitude-at the equator.
Encke-coursging-Tha the comet will
reach the perihelion in January.
Why is mouse like load of bay2 Be.
cause the cat'll eat it.
Why is love like canal boat? Because
it is an internal transport.
Mis-ConstruCtion - Getting up" Q
young lady in the height of fashion.
Connecting link between the amin Il and
the vegetable kingdom. Hash.
Why are Cashmere shawls like deaf
peoplef Because trey can't mske them
here.
The man who gave a bit of bis miud to
another has since been punished for a
breach of piece.
You talk of your troubles. but yours is
not such a hard case as mine, as the oyster
said TO the fisherman.
Telegraphic dispatches can generally
be relied on-we have known bigger
amount of relying in this direction than
any other.
Happy thought by cheap shirt-msker
on his own werkwomen "They come like
shadows, sew, DEPART"
A gardeners wife made pincusbion
out of Spanish onion, but she found it
brought the tears into her needles eyes.
The Dsnbury News says the reason
delight TO dig and explore
caves, is because of the recesses there.
PA, isn't that man in what they call
the spring-time of life p "Wby, my
son ?" Because he looks 60 very green"
The woman that msketh good pud.
ding in silence is better than one that
maketh tart reply.
A chap who bought gas meter at Ak.
ron wanted to know hew long such box
full would last.
4 miserable old bachelor observes that
be looks under the marriage head for the
news of the weak
A man who has a scolding wife. being
asked what he did for living, replied
that he "kept hot-house."
A man ofinquiring mind wants to know
if modern whisky has ever been seen
comm through the rye"
Every plain girl has one consolation
though not a pretty young lady, she will,
if she lives, be pretty old one.
Punch says the perfumer's business
ought TO be very lucrative. OF all busi-
ness it brings in the most percentage.
An Irish magistrate censuring some
boys for lettering in the street, said, If
were to stand in the streets,
bow could any ybody get by Z"
A Western paper thinks that women
would not make good statesmen. "The
question of the sge," would always
rouble them.
A client remarked to bis solicitor, you
are writing my hill on very rough paper,
ir." "Never mind" was the reply of
he latter. sit has to be fled before it comes
nto court"
"Now, papa, what is bumbugf" at
=" replied papa, "wben ma prefends TO
'e very fond of me, and pnts no buttons
IN my shirt"
Mrs. Mal'prop has been staying in fthe
country for a few dsya, at an old fash
oned beu-e, all over Gabriels, with mil-
ems in the windows.
The question, "Wbo was Richard III
before be was himself sgain 2" bas been
yoing the rounds of our contemporaries
or some time. The answer is plain. He
vas somebody besides himself.
John sid a cockney lawyer to his son,
\ 4
'eu have no benergy.' Excuse me, faith.
r. said John, what l want is some of
our ckickensry.'
Indignant Old Lady-'Guard. do ycu
How smoking in this compartmentr
)bliging Gusrd-'Haw, weel, if name o
be gentlemen object. you can TAX a bit
raw o the pipe.-[ Punch.
A story is told of a person asking
mother whether be would advise him to
end certain friend money. What, lend
i'm money? You might give hin an
metic, and he wouldn't return it,
Mr. Speaker said a member of the
smaica Legislature, discussing bill for
he regulation of the lumber trade, Il
now these timber merchants TO be the
most egregious rascsls-I was in the tim.
yer line myself twelve years.'
Heine stood with his friend Alphonso
efore the cathedral at Rheims. Why
aid Alpbonso. cannot such structures be
,uilt now?' That replied the poet, was
uilt by sn age of convictions ours is an
ge of opinions