The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-22
Il U M oRoUs EMS

Melancholy Accidents as head for
marriages in his paper
Bay The question oe the day is,whether
it is more difficult for girl of the period
to get her clothes in her trunk or her
hunh in her clothes
BGgn " The blessed man who preached
for us last Sunday" said Mrs. Partington
served the Lord for thirty years--frst
as circus rider, then as a locust preach
er, and last as exhauster."
1ely~ " You'd better look out for your
hoss' feet above here, Mister" said rag
gcd boy to riding traveller Why?"
said the gentleman, nervously pulling up
Coos there's a fork in the road there"
was the candid reply
Gag" A liuk-boy asked DIR. Burgess,
the preacher, if he would have a light.
"No, child" says the doctor. II am
one of the lights of the world" wish,
then" replied the boy, you were hung
at the end of our alley, for it is a very
dark one"
bsE- Quabbles, an old bachelor shows
his stockings which he had Just darned,
to a maiden lady, who contemptuously
remarks,
Pretty good for man darner."-
Whereupon Quabbles rejoins,
" Yes good enough for woman too,
darn her,"
BSBa A dandy of twenty-six, having
been termed an g old bachelor" appealed
to an elderly gentleman to decide whether
he should be called old or not, giving his
age "Twenty-six ~ said the elderly
gentleman, it is owing to how you take
it. Now, for man it is young enough
but for goose it is rather old"
Beg~ Josh Billings says: Most any
man will coincide that it looks foolish to
see a boy drag heavy sled up hill for
the feetin' pleasure Of ridin' down again
but it appears to me that the boy is
sage by the side of the young man who
works hard all the week, and drinks up
his wages on Saturday night"
nasn My dear, come in and go to bed"
said the wife of a jolly son of Erin, who
had just returned from the fair in a
decidedly how-come-you so state, "you
must be dreadful tired, sure, with your
walk of six miles" " "Arrah get away
with your nonsense" said Pat, it wasn't
the length Of the way, at all, that fatigued
me " twas the breadth of it."
Ras" An attorney-at-law, who wished
to show his smartness by quizzing an old
farmer, began by asking him if there
were many girls in his neighborhood.
4" Yes" replied the old gentleman,
"theres dreadful lot of 'em; so many
there isn't half enough respectable hus-
bands for all, and so some of 'em are
beginning to take up with lawyers w The
attorney didn't follow up the subject.
DSg- A few years ago, at negro camp
meetin held near Flushing the colored
preacher said: "I tell you, belubed
bredern, dat the debble is big hog, an
one of desc days he'll come along an root
you all out" An old negro in one of the
anxious pews raised himself from the
straw, and clasping his hands, exclaimed
in the agony of his tears. Ring him |!
ring him !"
B1~ Old Deacon Sharp never told a
lie but he used to relate this He was
standing one day before frog-pond, and
saw large garter snake make an attack
upon an enormous bull-frog. The snake
seized on the frogs hind legs, and the
frog, to be on par with his snakeship,
caught him by the TAIL and both COM
menced swallowing one another, and con-
tinued this carniverous operation until
nothing was left of them.
BaE~ A certain citizen in Edinburgh,
noted for his parsimoniousness, had oc-
casion to bury his mother in the family
cemetery in the Highlands. He hired a
hearse for the purpose, and on his return
to the city from the funeral, filed the
hearse with Struggled whiskey. A friend
reproved him for his dishonest conduct
under the circumstances, when the canny
Scot replied. "Wou, man, there's nae
harm done. l only took AVA the body
and brought back the speerit."
BGr The first thing a young man learns
when he begins to " clerk it =" in store,
is to en- quire Anything else ?" and it is
generally the last thing he forgets. There
is a story of defunct dry goods clerk
who, after the funeral services were over,
and the undertaken had put the final
screw in the lid of the coffin preparatory
to interment was heard to say in faint
and mufied tones, Anything else ?"--
n most remarkable illustration of rulin0