Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-08-22
LaS2acH for Hag22GO2'istS.


''Hold your jaw" as the man said when his
head was in the lions mouth.
Tt is a queer woman-who asks no questions,
but the woman who does is the querist
An Arkansas dressmaker made bridal rig
the other day which contained three hundred
yards of calico.
A Young lady at Long Branch is reported as
''clothed in laughing eyes and beWltchlng
smiles" Light gear.
A travelling player undertook to whip
an Illinois editor, and when he got through he
had only one ear for music.
It is stated that the wedding-ring used at the
marriage of Miss Swan, the Nova Scotia gian-
tess. was about the size of muffn-ring
Tobacco Juice being reported to be good to
extirpate potato bugs, Illinois farmers invite
their neighbors to chewing plcnics on their
fields.
A Lynchburg colored woman fell thirty feet
ont of a third story, striking the ground head
foremost. They are filling up the hole. She
wasn't hurt any.
A man who was driving cow through one
of our streets, was SO much mustered py SUD
den bow from lady that, In return, be made
Romantic Amelia Ito her betrothed young
DOCTOR -"Look, dear, such beautiful sunset
The sky is all crimson" Unromantic Doctor
"Ya-as appears to have had mustard plas-
ter or"
The Obese Brotherhood Of New York pic
niced recently. They shed SO much grease
over the region of their festivities that eoun-
tryman passing that way thought he q struck
lie, and began prospecting.
The following is specimen Of Chicago jour-
nalism 1.-THE clerk OF the county court wore a
diamond pin in his shirt 'front.' aud sardonyx
smile on his brow, as be slung out dispense
tons to throw tea kettles at each other, to the
following couples, yesterday
A love-lorn swain in Connecticut, who was
much given to bowling under his dulcinea S
window at night, o. love, without thee, I'm
lonely, was interrupted In his howl the other
evening, and chased two miles by the old man s
new dog, and says he hasn't felt lonely since.
Keokuk cultivates batch of pethoric base
ballists The aggregate avordupois of the first
nine is 9, 3S1 pounds, and their sporting trous-
ers monopolized forty-seven yards of blue fan
nel. They played a match the other day and
the champion battist caromed the ball right in
to the stomach of the 253 pound pitcher, and
the meat closed over it the same as dropping a
pebble in bog.
A man sent a note to rich neighbor, with
whom he was on friendly terms, to borrow an
ass for few hours. The worthy old man was
no scholar, and happened to have guest sit
ting with him at the time, to whom he did not
wish to expose bis ignorance. Opening the
note, and pretending to read it, he reflected a
moment, and turned to the servant VERY
good" said he's tell your master LII come
myself presently"
Here is a good one on the later bugs -
Three men were comparing notes: Ore says
''There is two bugs to every stalk. A second
one says, They have cut down my early crop,
and are sitting on the fence waiting for the late
crop to come up" "Pshaw," said the third,
you don't know anything about it. l passed
a seed store the other day, and the bugs were
in there looking over the books to see who had
purchased seed potatoes.
later BUGs.-These infestuous, tempestu-
Gus. diaboIica invaders of Fenian rights-these
fat-beied, striped, cadaverous potato bugs can
be killed by filling them two thirds full OF gun
powder, and laying them bottom side up On a
tin roof with the sun wboopipg it up to the
tune of go in the shade The caloric fixes the
tin roof-the tin roof ignites the gunpowder-
the gunpowder explodes the potato-bug, and
he becomes, with his stars and stripes, like
thing that was.
One of the humorous papers has very fun
nv cut It illustrates this scene An old gent
is walking in his garden. Presently the milk
man comes along outside the high garden wall,
and gives his customary yell. Old gent hears
something but being very deaf is unable to
make out just what is wanted so he puts his
ear trumpet in place, and elevating the bell
end over the edge of the wall, exclaims, here
Milkman takes it for dish and empties quart
of milk into the old gentleman ear, and goes
on about his business.
In New York, man last week made a wa
ger that he could run closed umbrella down
his throat to the handle. No sooner had he
accomplished this feat than the base wretch
who made the bet seized the umbrella by the
handle and opened it all the way clinching it
on the catch. lie then fled. Of course all eff
forts to close the umbrella and remove 1t have
been utterly useless, and the poor sufferer walks
about with his person distended IN a manner
that is inexpressbly painful These practical
Jokes are very wrong. just for the sake OF
moments amusement this man is obliged to
carry that umbrella with him to his grave.
mark Twain has been troubled with a
lightning-rod man, and to get rid OF him, adj
dressed him as follows:
"Iet us have peace II [ shrieked. Put up
Il
Put dozen on the barn! put one on the cock
scatter them all over the prosecuted place till
it looks ike zinc plated, spiraltwisted, silver
mounted, cane brake Novel Use up all the
material you can get your hands on. and when
you run out of lightning-rods put up ram-rods,
cam-rods, stair-rods, piston-rods-anyt hing
that will pander to your dismal appetite for ar
tifcial scenery, and bring respite to my raging
brain and healing to my Iacerated soul
MARY HAD LITTLE LAMB-Under the
free school system Mary had Little Lamb,
&c. will be read thus:
A beautiful young damsel, who delighted in
the rare and euphonious appeation OF Mary
possessed diminutive creature Of the genus
lam kinus, whose capillary appendage was as
white as CONCEALED moisture. Everywhere that
Mary perigrinated the little quadruped vas IN
clined to accompany her. He followed her to
literary institution one day, proceeding dia-
metrcally ID opposition to the rules thereof,
for it melted the members of the youthful gen
Grafton to loud cachinations and frolicksome in
fantile gambols, to see one of the genus lam