Tama County Republican. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1867-1872, 1871-09-28
Josh Billings DiscOurseth.

josh DllIlnSS UlScOurSctus
Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a
husband
This IL a pumper, and yu are not
required tew say "Yes" out loud, but
are expeked tew throw you're eyes
down onto the earth, as tho yu was
looking Tor pm, and reply tew the
interroyatory with a kind of draulin
sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster,
juice and ALL off from the half shell.
Not tew press SO tender a theme
until 1t bckums a thorn in the flesh,
We will presume (tew avoid argu.
ment) that yu are on the look out
for sumthrng III the male line tuw
boost yu in the uphill ov life, and
tew keep his eye on the britching
when yu begin tew so down the 9TH
et side ov the mountain. Let me
give yu sum small chunks ov advice
how to spot yure fewter husband:
1. The man who il jeIlous ov ev-
erye little attenshun which yu git
from sum other fellow, yu will find,
after va are married tn him, he luys
himself more than he du: VI, and
what yu mistook for soliss.tudc, yin
will diskover, has changed into in
difference. Jellousy isn't a heart
diseze; it is liver, complaint.
.. A mustash is not indispensable;
it is only little more hair, and IL a
good deal like moss and other ex-
cressencess-often duz the best on
sile that wont raize eny:hlng else.
Don't forget that thoze things which
yu admire in phellow before mar
riace. w will probably hav tew ad-
mire in a husband after and mus.
fash will get tew be very weak diet
after a long time.
8. II husbands could be took on
trial, as Irish cooks are, two thi, ds ov
them would probably be returned;
but there don't seem to be emmy law
tor this. Therefore, girls, yu will
see that after yu get man, yu hav
got tew keep him, even if yu looz on
him. Consequently, if yu hav got
emmy kold vl.tlcs in the hous, try him
on them, once in Il while, during
securing season, and if he swallers
them well, aud seq he will take sum
more, he " man who, when blue
Monday Gums, will wash well.
4. Don't marry phellar who Is al
wus tellin how hlz mother duz
things. 1t il az hard tew suit theze
men az 1t il TO wean a young one.
5. If a yung man kan beat yu play.
ing on a pianner. and kant hear fish
horn playing in the street without
turning back summersett on &C.
count of the musick that IL in him, l
say strip him; he might answer tew
tend the babe, and if yu set him hoe
ing out the garden, wi will find that
yu hav got tew do it yourself. A
man whoze whole hett lies IN mnslck,
land not betty at that,) amt no oct.
ter for a husband than a seedlitze
but if he luvs to listen while
WI sing sum gentle ballad, yu will
find him mellow any M soft. But
don't marry ennyboday for just one
virtew emmy quicker than you would
flop a man tor jist one fault.
6. 1t is one ov the most tuffest
things for female tew be an old maid
successfully. A CRATE menny haz
tried it, and made bad job ov it.
Everybody seems tew look upon
old maids jist az they do upon dried
halbs-in the garnet, handy for sick
ness-and, therefore, girls, it amt a
that yu should be willing to
swop yursclt oph, with some true fell
low, tor husband. The swop IL a
good one; but don't swop for emmy
man who IL respekabel jist bekause
his father IL. Yu had better be an
old maid for 4 thsusand years, and
then Join the Shakers, than tew buy
at that price. No woman
ever made this trade who didn't get
either phool, mean cuss, or
clown for husband.
I. In diggin down into this sub
iect find the digging goes harder
the further get. 1t IL mulch easier
tew inform yu who not tew marry,
than who tew, for the reason there IL
more ov them.
l don't think yu will foller mi ad-
wise, if give it; and, therefore will
keep it, for j look upon advise as do
upon castor ile-a mean dose tew
Civ, and mean doss tew take.
But must say one thing, girls, or
Spite. If yu can find bright-eyed,
healthy, and we'll ballasted BOY, who
looks upon poverty az sassy az a
child looks upon wealth-who had
ra,he. sit down on the curb.stun, in
front of the 9Th avenue hotel, and eat
a ham sandwich, than tew go inside,
and run in debt for hiz dinner aud
toothpick-one who il armed with
that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a
defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew
take him boldly and soul-snare him
at unst, for he is a stray trout, Of a
breed very skase in our waters.
Take HIM, say, and bid onto him
as hornets bid on a tree.
A correspondent OF the Country
Gentleman, writing from Hamilton