The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1871-10-14
HUMOROUS.

what io hAiu UeIlcf write about.
Write about - growled the disgt,sted
chief; II think you had better right
about face land he did.
A Bohemian recently married had
tie following t,Uasse,a: One black
9th suit, : 50; ole pocket handi.cr-
t..ief, SIS; two shirts, plain bosom, So;
| oi.e night shirt, embroidered, 81; two
paper collars, cents; one pair of
night drawers, plain, 81 70; one pair
! of night drawer, Iuiiied, 81 80; one
bottle of .whisk3, 81; one paper OF
cloves, 10 cents; one cake of honey
soap, 70 cents; one cork-screw % cents;
one bottle OF cocktail bitters, 81 90;
one ivory toothpick. 20 cents; one
EaNter's saints IteSt, $2-total, 800.
lie read chapters from the book titirin.
the Honeymoon.
Is there a sing g.e thing that the
Democratic party ever he'd to that
they lInv.it departed from?'' asked
Judge Amber, i'll his speech at Mari
eta, r,,eiitly. l.eS-Whiskv - am
Swered a voice in the crowd, amid
roars OF laughter.
\ Chicago reporter has interviewed
Long john wentworth, after duly pro-
Viuing iIiin self with Il step-lad,ler.
He says lie found Mr.. Wentworth sut-
teriuG witlEseveral yards OF lumbago.
Aii on idtt,f from OIit OI tie rural
| districts iStonislicd Il clerk in one OF
the stores ii few. day sayo, by i.iauirine
if they had any .'yaflei developments
sicfi IL they did letters up in.
Z" Now, my boy" sand u commit
| teemal. if [ had Il mince pie. and
siiou q give two -tweiftlls Of it to John.
| two-tWcltths to Isaac, two-twe.fths to
| Harry, ai.d should take half the pie
iny~c.t. what would there be left .
| Speak UP loud--lotiel, so that the peo-
! &c can hear. The plate :" shouted
| the boy.
a minister asked ii littlc boy who
| had been converted. Does rot the
devil tell you that you ire not Chris
! tian: Yes, sometimes VI ell,
What do you say to him =, - tell
him, - replied tie boy, with something
OF LuJher's spirit, THAT, whether
ain or iiot, it i, noae of his business
WI hen the lamented Artemas Ward
exhibited his waNworks in Utah. he
relates that lie was accoatcd by a ven
er,h.e and vitegari III virgin, who in
! luirrd, "i'aHt / get III without pay
irg:' No, hun you cam pay with
OH going in.
The Rev. Moses C:ampit. an ecce,l-
tric preacher, was holding forth at
santa Clara Valley. n Young man
rose TO go out. when he preacher said:
~ ou..g lnaa. if you'd rather go to
per,iitiotl than hear me preach. you
may" The sinner stopped. reflected
Il n,on,ellt. and then saying Well, |
believe wouiti." went out.
i.ent4nub Ho3ne la picture repre-
seiitiig i purchaser of carpets object
ing 10 de price. ''Iiigh. madam, >
| exciai:ni Tie salesman; why these
carpets are sacrificed at three dollars a
yard. i'wc,d S 60. paid IL more than
a tlou,ll.d dollars q yard for just such
carpet
Horace Greeley is reported as au-
tiori!y for tie latest rule TO secure
proiii from poultry. . If it Is desired
to make them lay he says. ''tie THEN
legs together and then they c;ul stand
up.
A young lady with very pretty
foot, but Il rather large ankle, went tC
Il San Frinci eco shoe store to have heI
foot measured. The admiring clerk.
who was OF Gaitic extraction, compli-
mented her iii the following queer way
Madam, You have one beautiful foot
but the leg commence too immedi
ately.'
The = Fat Contributor gives the fol.
lowing information in regard to a9ri
cultural matters: "A correspondent
asks Us what we think of late plowing
Ploughing should not be continued
later than ten oreleven o. clock ut night
1t gets the horses in the habit of stay
ing out late, and unduly exposes tht
plough. We have known ploughs tt
ac ,iire sprino-llalt and inflammation,
rheumatism from late plou9hing
Don't do it. To another correspond
ent, who wants us to suggest plan
for a drain Oh farm, we would say
that Il heavy mortgage at ten per cen
Will drain a farm about as quickly a
anything that we know Of
Mr.. Gray discovered a non-eXplosivt
illuminating fluid. To show how saf'
the new compound was, lie invited :
number of friends to meet him III III
rooms, whittier he had brought bar
rel of the fluid. which he at once pro
ceeded to stir with redhot poker, a
he went through the roof of his house
accompanied by his friends, he endeav
ored to explain to his nearest com
y,0giaon de 9ogtge that the particula
fluid in the barrel had too much ben
zine i'll it !; but the gentleman said tina
he had an engagement higher up. ant
could not wait for the explanation
Mr.. Gray continued his ascent till h
met Mr.. Jones, who informed hin
that there was no necessity for him t
. go up higher, as every one was comln
down; SO Mr.. Gray started back, t
be with the party. Mr.. Gray $ widoy
offers for sale the secret of the non-eX
plosive fluid at a reduced rate. a. sh
wishes to raise money enough to bu
81 siIver-iandled coffin with gilt plate
for the late Mr.. Gray.
A melting sermon being preache
in Il country church. all wept eXceI
one man. On being asked why he W.,
not affected like the rest. he answered
80, | belong to another church,
Walking down street a few days age
we observed a fellow, whose appear
] ance indicated beyond a doubt that h
had been indulging quite freely i'll tn
fiI1id extract of wheat clIftin0 into