Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1871-06-09
PAker Pilkius.

; Let Josh Billings make light OF ever.
: good and perfect work, and write essay
, on geese and mules till he is blind. LIE
the world delight in the raillery and fool
ishness of Artcmus Ward and Mrs. Part
ington We have struck oil in another
quarter; our quill is fairly dripping witt
the juice of affectionate regard for
former friend of ours-Petcr Pilkins W.
shall tell his story thusly:
Pilkins like John Gilpin of olden time
was a citizen of renown, although Gilpin
wasn't worthy to chew Pilkins' shoe
string, even. When a boy, he was known
as the cutest little "cuss" in the neigh
borhood; he was really an eye-opener-
his subsequent history has confirmed all
this.
Pilkins was conceited to a fault-this
was the cause Of nearly all his troubles.
Other men were mere ants on a molehill
and he imagined himself kind of ant
eater. Yet he was never known to COB
BILE any of his fellow creatures. No, with
all his fancied greatness, Pilkins was pos.
sessed of humane spirit, and would not
hurt anyone if they could help them
selves. Peter wasn't coward, but his
legs were dreadful timber at times-that
is nothing, every well formed man is
made nimble and so was Peter.
When Pilkins grew to manhood he was
ambitious. His was free county, there
were no CALLING chains of tyranny to bind
his noble spirit down. He had as good
chance as any other man, and felt in his
very bones that he was made for presi-
dent of the United States. He knew the
paths of glory lead but to the grave, but
! Pilkins was courageous, and didn't care
In the course of time it was found rather
difficult to obtain this position, so many
others wanted it, and not wishing to make
pig of himself by taking the fattest of
fee from SO many others, he put a card
in the county paper declining the posi-
ton, announcing he would be satisfied
with some other responsible place. We
have since learned that he afterward be-
came village alderman, and that his name
was even mentioned in connection with
the mayorality. 1t is not our intention
to give the whole of Pilkins history, it
would require volume like Webstcr's
unabridged. We shall only give few
scattered points and traits of his charac-
ter and life.
By the way, Pilkins had made himself
man of function. His attachments he
considered altogether superior; as man
he thought himself the noblest work of
God in the way Of man-making. The
iron atoms of scientific study had passed
through his mental apparatus, and came
out red hottie ferver Of his thoughts
had melted them On no occasion did he
fail to display his profundity in making
speeches, and using long, hard words His
stock of words he was continually adding
! to, the newest and hardest of which he
practiced on his dog-the poor brute re-
ceived more than one kick for not under
standing them, but finally became accus-
toned to them, and was nearly as much
| of an orator as Pilkins himself Occa
sionally, however, he would get in the
wrong word, and this spoiled the effect of
his language. One time he got the words
autograph and photograph mixed. He
had taken a young lawyer over to his
house to fix up some legal papers, and get
Mrs. PilkinS' signature to them. Mrs
Pilkins hesitated about signing her
name without knowing what she was do
ing This lack Of confidence on his wife's
part hurt Pilkins' feelings. He stepped
back, assumed an air of great dignity,
and with a wiggle of his dexter finger
said: "Mrs. Pilkins, when you see your
husbands photograph photography at
tached to any document, have no fear
AS we have intimatcd PilkinS was cX-
ceedingly vain Of his person. He had
studied phrenology and physiology. AT,
ter careful consideration, he thought his
head the browning beauty of his person,
and well nigh perfect Looking glasses
were arranged in his house so that he
could see himselfin every posture. When
Pilkns got the "blues" he would go home
and stand before the mirror and contem
plate himself ''There is nothing vicious
in that countenance," he would say
'That nose is finer than CAESARS; circum-
stances are the making of any man-C9.
sar and Bonaparte were only lifted to
their exalted places through stress of cir
cumstances. I've got better head than
either of them No wonder my heart is
filed with turbulent and ambitious
thoughts. On the hog business any
how" We do not know as we can blame
Pilkins for feeling thusly. A great many
of his friends thought he was made to
WELD the sceptre of empire, if his fingers
hadn't been made so short.
AS citizen, Pilkins was cminently
philanthropic. He was patron ofSunday
| Schools and churches. At one time he
was the loudest member of the village
church. Pilkins grew too loud though,
and h;s rood hrethrcn church N, a n Io1 him
In the Sunday School the children almost
worshipped him; it was easy to see how
delighted they were when he got up to
talk to them, by the way they grinned
1t was indeed great benefit to parents
to have Pilkins talk to their children;
every child was sure to travel the celes-
tial road after hearing Pilkins talk.
| It is probably best to close our story