The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1871-04-07
Jesh billings r. psr.-Iao,el,.

tue FaSrautss the married man. retreat
and the bachelors ireside
They are kept in all sorts ov ways,
sum on the European plan, and menny
ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord is like q good step.
mother, he knows his bizness und means
to do hiz duty.
Ac knows how to rub biz hands with
JOY. when the trnveler draws nigh, he
Knows how to smile, he knows yuro
wife's fnther when he waz living, and
your wife's first husband. but he don't
speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not; he hears yure complaints
with tear in his eye; he blows up the
servants at yure suggestion, and stands
around reddy with nhirt collar as stiff
as broken china.
A man may be good supream court
Judge, and at the same time be misera-
BILE landlord.
Most evrybody thinks he kan keep O
hotel, land they kan but this ackounts
Tor the great number ov hotels that are
kept on the same principle that a iustiss
ov the peace offiss IL kept in country
during q six days jury trial for killing
sumboddy's yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the
landlord, toe, aud ever kurs u traveller
from the habit Of profane swearing.
l hav had this experiment tried on me
several times. aud it alwus makes me
swear wuss.
It IL too ofton the kase that landlords
go into the Dizziness ov hash as minis
ters go into the professhun, with the
very best ov motives, but the poorest
kind OF prospects.
don't know ov any Dizziness moro
fiattersum than the tavern Dizziness.
there don't seem to be anything to do
but to stand in front of the register with
pen behind the ear and see thnt the
guests enter the house, then yank bell.
rope Biz or seven times, and then tell
John to sho the gentleman to 976, and
then take 81. 80 next morning from
the poor devil ov traveller and let him
went
This seems to be the whole thing fand
it IL the whole thing in most cases.
You will diskover the following de-
skripshnr. mild one, ov about o hotels
ont ov 10 between the A'lantick and
Pacifck Oshuus akrost the United States
i'll straight line:
Yure room is 13 foot 7 inches by Q
foot 7 inches, parallelogramly.
1t being court week, {ez usual) all the
good rooms are employed hi the lawyers
and judges.
Yure room il on the uttermost floor.
Ihe carpet IL ingrain-ingrnineti with
the dust, kerosene lilo and ink spots of
four generashuns.
Thare liz two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto-ono ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out and miss
: b
The buro has three legs and one
brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two
pivots which have lost their grip.
Thare is one towel on the rack thin.
but wet. The rain water in the pitcher
cum out ov the we'll.
The soap iz az tuff 10 wear az n whct
stone
The aoap is scented with cinnamon
lie, and varigated with spots.
Thare liz three chairs-cane sectors:
one IL rocker, and oil three iz busted.
Thare iz match box, empty.
Thare IL no knrtin to tho window,
and there don't want to be any; VI kant
SEQ ont, and who kan see in?
The bell rope il come oph about six
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed iz modern slat bottom. with
two mattresses, one cotton and one husk,
and both harder and about az thick NJ n
sea biskit.
Yoa enter the bed sideways, and kun
feel every slat at once. az easy az you
could the ribs of gridiron.
The bed iz inhabited.
You sleep some, but roll over n good
deal.
For breakfast, you have gouy and
rhy coffee too koIl to melt butter; fried
potatoes, which resemble the chips that
n two-inch nnggcr makes in its journey
through m oak log.
Bread soiled; beef stake about as thick
az blister plastcr, and az tough NJ
hounds car
Table covered with plate: few
scared to- death pickles on one oy them,
and six fy-cndorscd crackers on tho
other.
a pewtcrinktnm castor with three bot
ties in it, ono without any pepper in it,
ono without any mustard, aud one with
two inches Of drowned flies and sum
vinegar in it.
Servant ga!. with hoops on, hangs
around yc earnestly, and wants to know
ii yn want another cup ov coffee.
fu say, "No NON, L thank yn." and
push buck yure chair.