The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1871-12-16
HUMOROUS.

Wasn't for want; had plenty Of that
at home.
Dialogue in Chicago-s Well Jim. are
YOU burnt out JIM Not L. |
don't drink.
Jones says that he first met his wife
in A storm. took her to the first ball in
a storm. popped the question in
storm. married her in n storm. lived
his subsequent life in a storm, but bur-
ried her in pleasant weather.
Napoleon the First used to. carry
with him when he Went hunting fifty
bottles of wine, but never touched it,
On one OCCASION he was thirsty, and
ordered glass. ''All gone said the
valet Hereafter take tifty-ole bot
ties. and keep one for me.
An Iowa clergyman charges couples
four cents Il pound to wed them.
4 city man. who knows all about
farming. SAYS the best way to raise
strawberries is with spoon.
Note tor oil merchants
boy. and you viii find him full OF
blubher.
astonishing cure for consumption,
as the old lady said when she sprink-
led snuff OH her boarders hash.
\ Gentleman. ut whose house Swift
was dining i'll Ireland, after dinner i'll
troduced remarkably small hock-glas-
ses, and at length turning to Swift all
dressed him: Mr.. Dean. | shall be
happy to takea glass OF hic, h;ec, hoe,
with yor, sir. 'tlejoined. the doc
tor, II shall be happy to comply but
it must be out of Il hjatts glass.
y bachelor friend of ours. passing
up street one day, picked up
| thimbie. lie stood for Il moment
meditating upon the probable owner,
when, pressing it to his lips, he said;
20. that it was the fair lips OF the
| owner -
just as he had finished, Il big fat,
/ ugly, black wench, looked out of al
upper window. and said!
''Boss, jis please to frow dat fimble
in de entry. | jis drlp it,
Mr.. j. l.. Parrish was driving a
band of sheep the other day with a
Dutchman tor his assistant, and MOTTO
ing that one of the band Went lame, lie
asked: Jacob what is the natter."
and Jacob gave the following lucid re-
ply: ale hash got kicked in hish
hindt shoulter, and it makes him lame
in hish fore tigh {thigh.' That was
all that was the matter with that
sheep.
4 polite old gentleman of Oswego
wears wig. one windy morning he
was unlucky enough to express the
wish that his hat was stuck to his head
in the hearing ofa mischievousn nephew.
The nephew took the hint. and mucil-
laged the old gentIeman's hat. Old
gentleman Went down the street; met
IA handsome young lady acquaintance,
in whose opinion he would stand we'll;
politely attempted to lift his hat. Con,
sequence better imagined than des-
criDed.
Ben. johnson, hearing that Lord
Craven was anxious to see him. Went
to his lordship's house. Being in a
tattered condition, the porter refused
to admit the poet, and addressed him
in impertinent language, which Ben
did not fail to return. While they
Were Wiangiing Lord Craven came out
and desired TO KNOW the cause OF the
quarrel. johnson Immediately said
Your lordship wishes TO see me-,
''Y on, friend, replied the lord, '.who
are you - Ben. Johnson IN O..
no, you cannot be Ben. johnson who
wrote the Silent Woman You look
as ii you could not say boSh to a jack
ass - ..Bosh'' exclaimed Ben, prompt
ly. Very Well,,' said his lor,lslip,
better pleased ut the joke than offend
ed 1T the atfront, Il am now conyinc-
ed of your IDENTIFY
An autograph collector. knowing
the lively antipathy of Oliver Wendell
Holmes to creatures of his class, and
wishing to capture a specimen of the
metaphysician' 'schirography, adopted
the heartiess subterfuge OF asking by
dictionary-We ebster's or Worces-
ter's::''-a question which he believed
Holmes courtesy would compel him
to answer. The return mail brought
Il single sheet of note paper, OH Which
was neatly pasted the one word. clip
ped from the writer's own letter.
webster 81
The New York Tribune has quit tel
ling people .'you lie, you william. you
lie, = and now accuses them of ..usine
the truth with penurious frugality.''
A gentleman rode up to public
house in the country and asked
Nv no is the master of this houSe?''
II am, sir'' replied the landlords: .-ny
wife has been dead about three weeks.
A lofty Arabian, with an elevation
of eight feet on Il foundation OF two,
and having total weight of five hun
dred pounds. has been travelling be
tween New York and Boston.
On ten dollar bill recently receiv-
! ed by New England bank was writ
ten: This is the last of $4,000 left
me by fond and devoted father-al
spent in liquor and other dissipation. >
The old, old story.
a Louisville boy amuses himself by
shooting pins into peoples hands Will
n little machine of his own invention
Another is the happy possessor of al
India-rubber sling, with which he cal
throw stone fifty yards with preeis
ion and velocity sufficient to kill !;
man. All. the innocent sports O
childhood.
a lady editor in Wisconsin adver
tises in her own paper for a husband
She says he must be PRIMER and pos
, sess means sufficient to bNy new