davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
. eCOuldn't See the Joke.

YWO sprightly and beautiful young
H. ladies Of Louisville were lately visit
ing their cousin, another sprightly and
beautiful lady, who, like her guests was
of that happy age which turns everything
into fun and merriment. If the truth
were told, those three misses were just a
little bit fast. They were found of play
ing practical jokes, and were continually
playing all sorts of pranks with each
other. All three occupied room on the
ground floor and slept in one bed Two
of the young ladies attended party on
the evening in question, and did not get
home until halEpast twelve o'clock. They
had concluded not to disturb the house
hold and quietly stepped into their room
through the low, open window In about
half an hour after they had lett for the
party, young Methodist minister called
at the house where they were staying
and craved for a nights lodging, which
of course, was granted. AS ministers
always have the best of everything, the
the old lady put him to sleep in the best
room, and the young lady (Fannie) who
had not gone to the party, was intrusted
with the duty of setting up for the absent
ones and informing them Of the change
of rooms. She took her post in the par
lor, and as the night was sultry, sleep
overcame her, and she departed on an
excursion to the land of dreams.
We will now return to the young ladies
l,o L. &c, . q Al,
window BY the dim light of the moon
beams, as they struggled through the
curtains, they were enabled to descry the
outlines of Fannie Gas they supposedly,
ensconsed in the middle Of the bed
They saw more too-with pair of boots
They saw it all Fannie had set the boots
in the room to give them a good scare
They put their heads together and deter
mined to turn the tables on her Silently
they disrobed, and stealthily as cats, they
took up their position on each side of the
bed. At given signal they both jump
ed in, one on each side of unconscious
parson, laughing and screaming, "Oh,
what man! They gave the poor be-
wildered minister such a hugging as few
persons are able to brag of in'tho course
of lifetime. The noise of the proceed
ing awoke the old lady, who was sleeping
in an adjoining room. She comprehend
ed the situation in a moment, and rush
ing to the room, she exclaimed: "Gra-
cious, it is man! 1t is man sure
enough. There was prolonged consoli-
dated scream a flash of muslin, and all
over. The best of the joke is that the
minister took the whole thing in earnest.
He would listen to no apologies the old
lady could make for the girls. He would
hear no excuse, but solemnly folded his
clerical robes about him and silently stole
away
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
Qbe Gimes, Mem Bloonrhelo, 1Da.

now so grand gentleman. | told this
lady to beware of you, but she was too
confiding to doubt you. | think, howev-
er, you have thrown off the mask too
soOn.'
Don't lecture me, sir. The lady must
decide between us Whatever wrong |
| have done, has been done for her sake.
had reason to think she loved me-"
This was said with II tone of bitter re-
proach, and then the young man stood
awaiting his fate with moody counte-
nance. WAY. IT.
O. thiuk | had Yottcr take you on to
Paris, Mrs. fairfield" said the clerk
1t would set Norbury folks talking if
we went straight home. You can tell
your husband the whole truth, and he
he can settle the score with this gentle
man"
| am going straight A. to Germany"
said Mr.. Comberford - If fairfield
wants me- he must follow me there
lie walked into the hotel the door of
which had just been opened by sleepy
looking waiter, leaving Alice under the
care of the old clerk, She went on to
Paris with him, aud there made the best
story she could to her husband, humbly
conlcssing her own shortcomings.
suppose | must have firted with
him little, George she said shyIy, :" OF
he would never have done such wild,
wicked thing"
And this confession had a very good
effect upon George fairfield, who felt
that he had been wanting in due care
and consideration for his pretty young
wife. He withdrew himself from the
club at the Crown, left off billiards and
took to rowing Alice on the river in the
summer evenings, and reading to her or
playing chess with her in the winter.
He did not follow Mr.. Comberford to Ger
many, but contented himself by writing
a formal letter, relinquishing the con-
duct of that gentleman's affairs.
Mr.. Comberford came back to the Hall
three years a!terward, with an aristocrat-
ic, but by no means agreeable wife. Be
fore returning he took steps to settle a
modest annuity upon Mr.. Morgan's niece
Bessie Raynor, an annuity which was
accepted by the young woman, but the
quarterly payments of which we're care.
fully banked against that rainy day when
William Morgan should be no more. The
old man scorned to touch penny of Ed
gar Comberford's money.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
AOnear Rlnnder.

A suburban friend, blest with eleven chill
dren, and being very domestic man and
very fond Of them, told this story: One
afternoon business being very dull, he
took the early train out to his happy
home, aud went up stairs to put the chill
dren to bed. Being missed from the sulok-
ing-room his wife went up stairs to see
what was going on; upon opening the
door she exclaimed" why, dear, what
for mercy $ sake are you doing Z" " Why"
says he, wiley, am putting the chill
dren TO bed, and hearing them say their
little prayers" " Yes" says wifey, " but
this is not one Of ours" Sure enough
he had got one Of the neighbor's children
all undrcssed, and he had TO redress it
and send it home, After that he calls
the roll every morning and night
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
The LassO.

This is favorite weapon with the rang
ers of the prairie in South America who
handle it with singular dexterity In the
early days Of the Paraguayan war,a COM
pany of Southern Braziians captured one
of the nemy's steamboats, with lassos
They concealed themselves in the matto,
or thick bushes, on the bank of the river,
where they knew the vessel must come
close to the shore, and when it was within
their reach, party of them threw ropes
around the figure head and every availa-
BILE projection while the others with
their firearms, drove the Paraguayans
from making any resistance, till the lasso
party hauled the prize to the land, and
the Brazilians took possession of it. An
other singular weapon of these rangers is
lasso Of different kind from those gen.
orally known by the name-one having
three lcaden balls or other heavy material
attached to the main cord by three lesser
thongs. One of the balls they grasp in
the hand, and swing the other two few
times over the head to give them velocity
and aim and then sling them with such
force and precision that they wrap around
the legs Of any animal they are pursuing,
in such Il manner as to hamper it, till
they come alongside. In the Spanish
South American countries men are fire.
quently garroted in this manner, with a
facility that is trul " marvellous
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
A Mean Man.

wv Il have heard of many mean
w transactions in the way of close
bargaining and shaving, but we don't re-
member to have met anything closer or
smaller in that line than the following ::
Paran Judkins was justice in west
ern district-a grasping, miserly, close
fisted. flinty-hearted man, who had grown
old and gray in money-making One day
he hired poor man to come and do some
work about his house Upon removing
his coat preparatory to setting to work,
the laborer's pipe slipped out upon the
ground, and old Judkins saw it, and
picked it up. After working awhile the
man thought he would smoke, but upon
looking for his pipe it was not to be
found Judkins came out while he was
searching, aud asked him what he had
lost.
I've lost my pipe, said the man.
Is this it ?" asked Judkins. hold
ing up the pipe.
The man said was, and reached out his
hand to take it,
Holdw said Judkins, 1t is small
thing, | know but since am JUS
tice, we may as well proceed legally. In
order to make proper avowel Of own
ership you must be sworn. Hold up
your hand" p" /
The man held up his hand, and Jud-
kins administered the oath, after which,
the laborer still persisting in his owner
ship, the pipe was surrendered.
When the job for which the poor
fellow had been engaged was done, he
came for his pay lie had worked half a
day, and wanted fifty cents. -r.
"All right" said Judkins. " You owe
me half a dollar, so we are just square" "
Glove you, Squire ?" .-.. .,
g Yes. The law allows me half dol
lar for administering the oath? Don't
you see?'
The poor man saw to his sorrow for
upon that basis Judkins forced the settle
lneht ..#u.r. ........f .... H, .u
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
A Laughable Incident.

HNHE train from Mobile to jackson re-
IL Gently brought up lot Of oysters
which was something never before seen
by some darkeys present, who began to
examine them with great astonishmcnt.
Whar he moufY' exclaimed one of
the most inquisitive How um eat eh |?
Golly! | thinks um muffin 'cept BONE
Yah p! yah" he continued laughing at
his own wit, I spec some white man
tink nigga fool when he call dat ting
ister."
just then he discovered an oyster
slightly open, and seizing it he eyed it
closely. Not satisfied with this examina-
ton, he placed it to his nose but no
sooner was that organ inserted between
the shells than they closed, when darkey
howled with pain, and called out: Pull
um off pull um off,
But the more the oyster was pulled, the
more it would not let go; and, as poor
Cuffec danced and yelled, his frantic cf-
forts to rid himself of his uncomfortable
nasal ornament were both ludicrous and
painful
Hit um wild a stick" said buxom
wench and in moment the oyster was
knocked right and left with a hearty will
but Cuffees head went with it
" Pinch he tall" cried little mig.
and he sure let go,
But there was no tail to pinch, aud
poor Cuffee seemed doomed to wear the
oyster forever. At this moment an " in
telligent contraband" whipped outa knife,
and it soon severed the oyster. Cuffee
looked at the shells with amazement, and
finding the oyster toothless, threw it
away with the remark d" Um got no tcef,
but he gum it powerful
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
Half Price.

\ young rustic in Albany, named Knox,
saw placard, Linen Drilling at Half
Price," before dry good store, went in
and purchased ten yards, the price being
stated by the clerk to be fifty cents per
yard. Taking the parcel, he handed the
clerk two dollars and half.
Clerk" How is this, my friend? You
have not given me enough" " r.,..f
Knox" How in thunder do you make
that out didn't you mention that the price
Of these goods was only fifty cents yard?"
Clerk" TO be sure | did and you
asked for ten yards at that price, so that
your bill is five dollars"
Knox-" III bet that my bill amt five
dollars. Look at the sign board, young
man don't it say Linen Drilling at Half
Price, ?" You said the price of this ere
piece ] chose was fifty cents yard; half
of fifty is twenty-five and ten times TWEEN
ty five is two fifty Stranger, you can't
climb me, I've travelled"
The proprietor was called, but the rus
tic could not be argued out Of his arith-
metic, and rather than have scene"
the loss was put up with, and the young
man allowed to travel with his bargain !;
which suggests the fact that people who
keep shop should be careful what contract
they advertize for the acceptance of the
public. a. ll
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
Snyder's Trick.

Peter Snyder had drunk himself out
Of mill, house and home-there were no
homestead laws in Virginia at that time.
1t was consequently often hard for Sny-
der to " make raise to get a drink,
and many and ingenious were the expe-
dients to which he resorted for the pur-
pose of filling the inner man with whis-
key On one occasion be perpetrated the
following ruse; r ...... ....
On hot day in August, Peter and his
drouthy crony," Abram Fulwiler,
were lying down in the shade of locust
on the banks of Purgatory creek. Said
Peter "Abram, is you dry 2" Yes,
Peter, very dry" " Well, Abram, IN
get some whisky from Cartmill's grocery"
De mischief you will where's your
money ?" " You let me alonc--Pll man
age dat"
So he went off, got two bottles, and
filed one Of them with water. Then he
returned, found Abram waiting, and
showing the latter the empty bottle, said
he knew how to fill it." He put the
bottle of water in one pocket and the
empty ono in the other The twain then
started for the grocery. -.la
Arrived there, Peter placed the empty
bottle on the counter, where it was soon
filed with the ardent, which the old to-
per slowed in one of his pockets and was
retiring, when the storekeeper bawled
out, Stop there, Peter pay me for your
whisky" Isn't my credit good for a
quart? ?" Indignantly replied the latter
No." answered the former . leave the
money or the liquor r" 4" Well" rejoined
Peter, " take your whiskey, y,"-and placing
the bottle of water on the counter, he
strutted out in fury with the bottle Of
whisky in his pocket.
About half an hour afterwards the
storekeeper snielt the bottle, found it filed
with water, and rushed out after Snyder
but he found him and Fulwiler both glo-
riously drunk ON the banks of Purgatory
creek. -lE ...t..I .r...f isl r.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
A Puzzle.

Three jealous husbands, A, b, and
6, with their wives, being ready to pass
by night over river, find at the water
side boat which can carry but two at a
time, and for want of waterman they
are compelled to row themselves over the
river several times The question is, how
those six persons shall pass, two at time,
SO that none of the three wives may be
found in the company Of one or two men
unless her husband be present a.hUi
This may be effected in two or three
ways; the following may be as good as
any; Let A and wife 60 over; let A re-
turn; let BIS and O's wives 60 over; AS
wife returns; Il and @ 90 over b and
wife return, and A and b go over; Cs
wife returns, and AS and BIS wives 20
over then G comes back for his wife
Simple as this question may appear, it is
found in the works Of Alcuin, who -four
ished thousand years ago, hundreds Of
years before the art of printing was IN
vented, ~ 1 -ra n
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02

D6s- Professor Person, short time be-
fore his death, was in mixed company
among which were many distinguished
literary characters. One of the number,
a person of some celebrity, had very
high opinion of his own talents; aud
when the conversation turned on some
of his productions, as usual he began to
exto their merits.
| will tell you, SIR" said Mr., Person
"whnt think Of your poctical works.
They will be read when Shakespeare 's
and Millions are forgotten" (every eye
was instantly turned on the professor),
"but not until then !"
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
HOMES FOR ALL,
IN THE
Land of Flowers and Perpetual Growth.
FLORIDA.
The Italy Of America.

TT is not eXcelled in CLIMATE by any Of the
Il United States, and it may be doubted whether
IL can be equaled in the world.
Located on the very borders Of the Torrid Zone
still her situation between the Gulf of Mexico and
the Atlantic Ocean Is such that she is swept alter
nately by the winds OF the Eastern and Western
seas, and relieved from the burning heats which
prevails In other Southern States and thus II
happens that by the joint influence of latitude
and peculiar location, she is relieved, on the one
hand, from the rgOrs of the Winter climate OF the
Northern and Middle States, and on the other
from the extreme heat with which not only the
Southern States, but in the Summer time the
Northern States are characterized.
Settlers have not the hardships to undergo that
have been the lot ofthe pioneers who opened up
and developed our harsh Northern latitudes The
entire pear IS perpetual season q 0ro,oth, able
to produce and send to market al the productions
of The Tropical and Temperate Zones lUeeks and
months in advance of and other lOcdlity,dnd at q
season Uten al such productions are luxurious
and cOnlnlalld Me rerNhighest prices:
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
The FIorida Improvement Company.

under the duspicesQf the State Of Florida propose
to furnish lands of uniform good Qudijty and upon
which can be raised Vegetables, Fruits etc., com
mon to the more Northern climates, and all the
GRAINS, FRUITS and V NEGRTABLEs of the TROPICS.
Sueh selected lands, in the IlEALTIIIEsT part Of
the STATE, and OF the best quality.
The COMPANY have issued pamphlet Of l2S
pages containing full and reliable information
concerning FLORIDA its CLIMATE, son, and PRO
DuCTIoNS with sketch Of its HISTORY which the
Company will forward free of postage, on receipt
of 25 cents. -
For other information or circular, address or
apply to
The Florida Improvement Co.,
:sl PARK ROW. N. ".
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02

NEW YORK AND FLORIDA COLONY.
Partially organized. For full information cir.
cllars, ETC., address EDWARD DELOUEST, 81
Nassau street, New York City. T., o. Box 1866
5Sl3 u
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-13

A pretty good story is told Of himself
(says tho Boston Traveller) by . season
ticket holder on the Boston and Maine
railroads. wide. awake, generous, joke
loving gentleman, Democratic in politics
and liberal in his religion. Riding in q
horse. car . short time since, with the
Catholic priest of his village, who had
been active in trying to induce bis Aock
to become temperate, he familiarly ad.
dressed him in lsngusge something as
follows: "Father -. you are doing q
pretty good work just now-l don't know
but you are doing as much good % oil
the other clergymen in town" The
priest quietly replied that he was doing
oil he could to improve his people. "I'lI
tell you what il is," continued the gen.
tlsman, "Ive been thinking boutattend
ing your church, but was afraid It would
cost to much to get all my sins pardoned. =
"Oh," said the priest, "wo can manage
your case whom We have . very largs
contract We make very liberal discount ;
Tho laughter that followed this respouss
only closed jwheu the cars reached thu
end Of their route. And the captain
laughs over the story, ssdhs repeats il
until this day. .5,b a.l5
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-13
A most remarkable freak of nature il

A most remarkable freak Of nature 10
on exhibition, At Louisville-a boy
snake couple, found two or three years
since In ths..Filds Of Africa. The boy
when seven ysars of age was captured 10
6oupany with boa constructor, which
10 supposed to have charmed him from
bis homo. There is said 10 bs remark,
able likeness between them in respect to
color, each bearing the some flesh marks.
The alternate nut.brown and cream spots
which, mark the ope are identical iu the
other. The larypx in the boy, as in the
snake, is wanting, and consequently each
10 Do dumb % % oyster. By their keeper
they ere said 10 b iussparsbls. sad the
same Affection which made them eompani
ions iu their native jupgles continues,
They retire to tho ssms couch. The boy
10 an impartial compromise between the
pure Caucasian aud the genuine African
and the singularity Of bis appearance
increases the interest excited by hi.
nystsfious origin and the oxfrs nature o.
bic social a6nitiss. rome J .&o
The Lincoln County herald., 1871-04-13
A BaI.I.,s,r,s' = Rsnanee. = \ :, ,

In Seville, which is populsrly believed
to be 10 Spain, there is in usc 4 most
felictious invention In the way Of making
love -clandossiOnsly. Amer dark young
cabslloros stsai beneath their lady . lat
ticc (which, perchancs, 10 10 the third
story--and softly uoscrewing the handle
Of their walking sticks, proceed to ex.
tract from the samo (which afe 'holIow)
length sftsr length Of hollow lubine,
sorsvius them together after the manner
Of . Japanese fishing pole or the old sp.
partus wherewith sweeps clean chimneys.
mouth. .pieco il fitted into each end
aud ono raised 10 tho window above.
Soon, BY the means Of thn improvised
speaking tube, two souls with certain
unanimity Of thought and two hearts
with . possible unison Of pulsation are
softly communicating. 91-n
Now this 10 oil very nice, ssductively
romantic, and all that sort Of thing, bus
mark what the knowledge Of il brought
to certain youth Of Baltimore. He had
read or heard Of IL, and happening to
have surreptitious affection for young
lady, which she a. osurrep ptitiously recip.
rocated, he determined with. her eopniv.
ance to avail himself of il. He got Q
tin pipe Of the desired length made by .
timer, and in each end Of it placed, for,
want Of better mouth. piece, . funnel.
Delicious conversation went on, he sitting
on the top Of water barrel, and sho
leaning from her window above. They
would converse for hours and exchange
all the soft nonsense in the world, and
then be would upship his apparatus, put
the tunnels 10 bis pocket, wrap the pieces
up in . newspaper, and 60 home 10 con-
dition Of etherial bliss. But the course
Of true love never did run smooth, and
one evening tho old gentleman, smoking
in the back garden at an unusual hour,
saw the young gentleman arrive, FIX W
his apparatus, and commence his soul.
commuing operations. -,
He made up his mind 10 minute. Ho
went into the kitchen aud asked for
pitcher Of boiling water; it was handed
to him, and off be posted up stairs.
just as he reached his daue ehter's door be
commenced calling to her. So, telling
her lover to wait moment, she came to
the door. "Nellie, my dear. run to my
room and get me my spectacles Ill Wait
hero till you come down." She dissp-
peared up stairs and he stolo cautiously
to the window. The minute be touched
the funnel the amorous and unsuspecting
youth clapped his mouth to il to resume
where he bad broken off.-'.my darling,
you cannot imagine how" Just then
the o!d gentleman commenced assiduously
: 6lling the funnel with hot water, and the
rest Of that miserable youths sentence
was never heard. He Woro -four on bic
face for fortnight after, and declines
to 90 into society just at present.