The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-02-17

How to produce a backward spring.
Present red hot poker to a mans
nose! 1t never fails.
WHAT is the most profitable of all
manufactures The shoe, for every pail
is soled before 1t is finished.
"UPRoARIoUs disposition" Is the
charge made against his wife by the
last Indiana application for divorce.
A MAN who sat upon a paper of car
pet nails, the other day, says they re-
minded him painfully of the income
tax.
JOSH BILLINGS says: "a man who
starts on the day of his marriage as first
lieutenant in his family, need never
expect to be promoted"
A CHAP, who was told by a clergy
man, to "remember Lots wife, re-.
piled that he had trouble enough with
his own, without remembering other
mem 3 wives.
A LITTLE girl, busy in making a
pair of wOrsted slippers for her father {,
said to young companion near her:
You are very lucky, you are; your
papa has only one leg
A LITTLE ten-year old miss told her
mother the other day that she was never
going to be married but meant to be a
widow, because widows dressed In such
nice black and always looked so happy.
"Well, Mrs Smith," said Mrs. Jones,
"if Pm anything, Pm a Unitarian
what religion are you" ~ amt quite
sartin what they calls 1t, but my old
man says he's a vegetarian
SOME people can't help exaggerating.
One ofthe Kind says "a farmer in Ken.
lucky was so lazy, that when he went
to hOe corn, he worked so slowly that
the shade of his broad-brimmed hat
killed the plants"
STAKE off your bonnet, and spend
the afternoon my dear Mrs. Slow. We
are going to have tableaux tonight,
and am sure you will enjoy them"
Law sakes, thought smelt some.
thing good cooking, and guess / will
stop until after supper
"MR. SMITH," said a lawyer to a
landlord, "If man were to give you
five hundred dollars to keep for him,
and he died, what would you do?
Would you pray for him ?" "No, SIR"
replied Mr.. Smith; "I'd pray for anoth-
er like him."
THE following description of slime
old man." is by Mark Twain :-"John
Wagner, the Oldest man in Buffalo
one hundred and four years old-re-
Gently walked mile and half in two
weeks. He is as cheerful and bright as
any of those other old men that charge
around in the newspapers, and in every
way as remarkable. Last November
he walked five blocks in a rain storm,
without any shelter but an umbrella,
and cast his vote for Grant, remarking
that he had voted for forty seven Presi-
dents--which was not strictly correct.
His "second crop of brown hair" ar.
rived from New York yesterday, and
he has new set of teeth coming from
Philadelphia. He is to be married next
week to girl one hundred and two
years old, who still takes washing.-
They have been engaged eighty years,
but their parents persistently refused
their consent until three days ago. John
Wagner Is two years older than the
Rhode Island veteran and has never
tasted drop Of liquor in his life, unless
you count whiskey.
DOWN in Wilmington, some time
ago, an old man who was very feeble
was helped across crowded street by
youth OF twenty. A month after
ward the old man died, and as an ex
preston of his gratitude he left tn,
youth forty thousand dollars. Ant
now no old mans life is safe in Will
mington. All the young fellows hav,
had their ambition excited, and as sool
as any venerable man appears on tn
sidewalk a dozen chaps run at him
grab him by the trowsers and the cola
and the back hair, and try TO carr
him across the street, whether he want
to go or not. When he gets there lo
more fasten on to him and set him bac
again, and then present their cards. S
the old men In Wilmington are havin
lively time now, and they have &c
to tack up the street whenever they g
out for walk. Thus far very lit
cash has been evolved but all II
young men study the obituary adve
tisements carefully, and when they 81
the words "At the age of seventy-six
or 'sixty.six," or anywhere In tn;
neighborhood they hurry down to I'll
Office of the Register of Wills and POI
over the last testament OF deceased. A
this goes to show how much, distre
one inconsiderate action will cause.