Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1871-10-07

An experienced old gentleman says all that
is necessary to the enjoyment Of love or sau-
soge is confidence
An Oshkosh preacher sat down on hornets
nest which some bad boys had sccroted undsr
the pulpit cushion. lie got up again.
An Irishman, quarrelling with an English
man, told him that if he didnthold his tongue,
he would break lis impcne;rable head and let
The brains out Of his empty skull.
A fond mother advised her daughter to oil
her hair, and tainted fat away when that cam
did damsel replied, Oh no, ma, itspOils the
gentlemen's vests"
No one should attempt to do more than one
thing at time. When you have flushed
slandering your neighbors, go and say your
prayers, but don't attempt to DO both at once.
y lady in a meuagerie, being asked why She
so closely scanned the elephant with her
opera glass, replied that she was looking for
the key-hole to bis trunk.
A New York clergyman, recently, spoke Of
a woman having the Sc pearl-drops Of affection
hanging and glistening on her checks He
meant to say that she cried.
Somebody once said that the most perfect
persouifcation Of dignity he ever saw was an
old COW standing III the corner Of a Virginia
fence complacently chewing her cud
Farmer" Well, my man, how much do
YOU want a day." Irish laborer-" Shilling
day and ate me, or eighteen pence day, aud
l ate meselE"
Somc one is mean enough to assert that
Dick Yates is building a new house at Jackson
vile, H., out fbricks which formerly occupied
Lis hat.
Brigham Young, in one Of his sermons, told
his congregation that it was more important to
raise saints than to raise crops. No doubt be
thinks it the more agreeable hUsbaudry Of the
two.
A man in gainesville Ohio, who has buried
three wives, has their photographs in group,
within which his own figure is the center, and
underneath is this touching inscription, The
Lord viii provide"
A poor Irishman offered On old saucepan for
sale. His children gathered round him, and
inquired why he parted with it. "Och, me
honeys," answered be, 81 wouldn't be after
parting wiz it, but for a little money to buy
something to put in it.
The best thing to give your enemy is forgive
ness; to your opponent, tolerance; toa friend,
your heart; to your child, a good example; to a
father. Difference; to your mother, conduct that
viii make her proud Of her sou; TO yourself
respect to all men, charity, to God, obedience.
A young man who had seen the Fourth Of
July was discovered by bis mother on the fifth,
sitting on The wood bo2 ia the yard, trying 70
pull OF his boots. His mother held up her
hands In horror az the sight, while he endea-
voring 20 stand erect. exclaimed. I'm not
drunk, mother, but a sicker child you never
had
Nor MUcH 10 BoAsr OLA citizen Of
Nebraska was Boosting that in iis town there
wasn't eitbera doctor. a llvyer. OPP CLERGYMAN
and one rrm-.e',sr How many inhabitants
are tls-. altogether 90 asked a bys,anIcr-
"Wcu, wisthe reply, there's only my family
and my brother Jahcs, and Jake is the rum
seller"
A farmer and a Ltofa wag ui,hal. with the
view Officiating on some Of the broad acres Of
Texas visited S3n Antoa-l on his wav farther
West. There be was seized with one Of those
malignant tyrhoils which too often lie in wait
for new comers. During the crisis Of bis fever
he was painfully lea 90 understand the general
view that was entertained ofbis recovery by the
doctor trying on lis coat and hat and the
waiter his boots.
A,,vcb.,oe saws .,oi :, knows ola b,v
who accidentally swallowed silver balc5I-
u. NOV cave hin, warm wafer ,rl TARTAR