The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-12-23
3. A. ON LEMONS.
by BEENUs.

the keeper thereof. from what he called humane
motives" whatever they may bel refused to let
it be read. Az the next best thing to do, we in
fct it upon our readers.
MIR. AND MISSES AUDIENcE:-I find myself
assembled before you to read an sssay. An es.
say is usually document resulting from deep
cogitatisn by an idiot, upon subject whereof
no knows nothing, which. when read, leaves the
reader in profound ignorance, or bordering up.
on state OF insanity. AS the several lecturers
and esssyists, from Emerson down to Anna
Dickinson, have exhausted every known topic
save one, we offer you that not from choice, bat
necessity, The subject as you should all know
the only remaining one that has not been done
in prose and poetry, pounded into the pulpits,
and thsndered from the forum, analysed by
metaphysical and dissolved in chemistry-is the
unique and delicate question of Lemons"
Every we'll regulated essay should commence
with an apology. apologize.
knew of no reason wherefore l should cause
you the mental and physical agony am about
to infict upon you, nor have taken into ac-
count the years Of horrd TORTURE of bitter pierre
ing agony. and the remorse of conscience you
must suffer, nor how you will feel when all this
will be the means Of bringing your gray hairs
down in sorrow to the grave-and leave you
bald headed. But you are somewhat conseled
i. remembering that false hair is now within
the reach Of every one!
will presume upon the right of narrowing
up your souls, for have been an eminent har-
rowist in my day. My respected masculine an
csstor, on my fathers side, once set me to har.
rowing, and a soon a. his back was turned
set down upon the harrow and engaged myself
in that intensely literary and profoundly agri.
cultural pursuit Of reading dime novel.
All! distinctly remember, it was in that hot
September, - sat upon that harroc, never
dreaming of tomorrow, never having tasted sor.
row, never needing ought TO borrow.
had reached that thrilling part of the story
where Alphonse Count Mcguire had in jealousy
and anger parted from his angelic and lovely
sweetheart, Jane Ann O'Grady. He, in sullen
anger was about TO throw himself nto the crater
Of Mt Vesuvius, and she was drinking her seq.
ond pint Of Prussio acid and laudnaum, when I
was disturbed BY something in tho rear On
looking in that direction l saw revealed distinct
ly the fern of PARENT on my fathers side. There
WAS something in his eye which attracted my at
tention, and besides he was armed with rail-
plain fence rail. Fearing that he might rail
ut me, smiled laugh that was like the gentle
zephyrs that kiss the cheeks of sweet and lovely
maidens. He did not seem to care for those l
was even willing to n.ke an apology, bu. he
hadn't time to hear it. He approached mo with
unmistsksble confidence, and the nearer he came
the more lost confidence in myself I now
reach the most narrowing circumstance IN my
life. He warmed up that harrow 20, with that
rail, that for months I could not sit down upon
it with any comfort.
relate this without any unkindly feeling to.
ward, tho harrow or the man, ba could never
be induced to make rails up to this day.
But, to return to the subject of demons"
You are aware that there are many kinds Of
lemons-such AZ lemonade, lemon pie, lemon
drops, essence Of lemon, common lemons, and
lemon squeezers, and squeexeIs that can got
along without lemons but as to the last, am
compelled to refer to the young ladies present.
OF course, when speaking of lemons, would noc
be SO unjust ~ to omit the most valuable of all
lemons. l gently refer to the Irish lemons
Speaking f the latter sort Of lemons calls 10
NINA the fate of the yentlom An who took cargo
of the latter fruit from San Francisco and start.
ed for China A week after his departure ru.
had baau oir tod &. h,. N L.,I
been wrecked, and this mans wife, like an ami.-
BILE, business and loving women, first collected
ten thousand dollars on her husbands death.
and then got married. In few weeks her for.
mer husband came home, alive snd well, aud
put in An appearance much to the disgust of his
wife. His reception was not attended by any Of
those external signs with which frivolous ma
lures are accustomed to manifest their ioy,
After the first start of surprise, the demeanour
OF his wife was calm, dignifed and resigned |
something like that Of serene jackass b.iiled of
his turnip by sudden and tempcssuous pig.
Lemons have been recomm .nded for their OK.
cellent qualities ~ suxilries IN cooking, but on
general principles have never been considered |
good Tor sodp--no' ALI 30 good - was lately |
served up by the newly chosen king of the Feiee |
Islands, in whose cornoraton banquet alone
was such an sxtravngAntly expensive and lus. |
cions dish as Pickaninni soup. Among the
roasts was = grand combination, embracing gen.
tlemen of SIX nationaitics, and pot.pie Of 211 |
missionaries
Speaking Of lemons reminds me Of the follow.