The Ouachita telegraph., 1871-06-10
THE DARWfNIAN THEORY.
Tho Monkeys Hear Of 1t and arc Agitst-
cd in Conscqucncc.--Thcy Hold a;l
Indignation McctinG.
Girls, in tho Cincinnati Times

Indignation Meeting.
Girls, i'll tho Cincinnati Timcs.l
Darwin's theory concerning tho de-
scent of man is creating Il tremendous
sensation among the monkeys. They
have just heard of it, and are terribly
exercised. They rcpudiatc tho whole
theory. That man descended from
them they consider Il slur on the entire
monkey race.
"A cage of John Robinson's monkeys
held an indignation meeting over the
the matter the other day, after tho per-
formancc. a venerable champanZee,
whose gray hairs entitled him to dis
tinctiOn, was made chairman, and sitt-
ing in Il swing presided with the utmost
dignity. lie got 4 little excited in his
speech as he took the chair, but this
was parlonablc under the circllmstan-
ces. "What," exclaimed this venerable
baboon, "man descended from as! l
rcpudiltc the idea with scorn. True we
have our faults. We arc accused of
cutting up monkey shines sometimes,
and not without cause, but this attempt
to make us father the human race is
altogether too much. Is it not enough
that poverty requires us to travel around
the country in this nlanncr to make n
livelihood; to exhibit ourselves to gap
ing men, women and children, ut SO
much head, (Whcn two-thirds of them
haven't amy head at all to speak of J
without having it flung in our faces
that we originated tho pack of fools
styled men?"
His remarks were received with cv-
cry expression of delight possible to the
monkey. Some stood on their pyra-
midial heads, others hung by their tails,
while others threw tiipfinps from one
end of the cage to the other.
a monkey who had travelled much
and seen u great deal, and who had
probably used the eats paw to pull
NOR c chesnuts out of the fire than any
other monkey of his age, next addressed
his fciiow-monkcys. lie said
s'This Darwin has intlictedn disgrace
upon us that no monkey of any self
! respect will hesitate to resent. l fling
his base insinuationS back into his
teeth! a wild chatter of applause. |
If man was indeed descended from us,
what Il fall was there, ny cOuntrymen
Prolonged hoWlS of deriSiOn. If l had
this base Slanderer of our race-this
Darwin, who ttdl'-ri,4 fame by tratluc-
ing us--I would r-r-rcnd him in pieces
with these pent:iNac' 'ylo,ls hands, and
whip to 'lc:lt:, With this prcnrnsilt
tailH' Immense c}tcering.
The chairman interrupted the speakc,
to remind him that no puns would be
allowed. Nobody but men perpetrate,1
puns, and pun was altogether bencati
the dignity of amy monkey who had
the least respect for himself. Nh,
speaker promised to be more guarded
in the future, and proceeded with his
! remarks.
"Lool< at the folIics men pcrpctrit.
every day. Did you ever know a mon
key to make such II fool of himself u
they do? Did you ever know II monkey
! to buy Il ticket to Il mcnagrrie and &C
staring around and making remarks
about better people than himself? Did
4 monkey ever get drunk or talk about
his ncighbOrS, or wear Il plug hat, Gun
less it was fastened on by Il dctcstiblc
rinss-1naStcr) or sue fora divorce, or lace,
or color his whiskcrS, or go into bank
ruptcy, or cheat the printer, or get
elected cOunciln,n,or run Il bar account,
or cat hash, or-or run for Congress ?
Nevcr!' EScrcans and scrcccltcs of
assent
"Man descended from the monkey,
indeed! If we We're descended from
man it would be sufficiently disgraccful
l get ashamed when l think there i: Il
possibility of 4 connecting link. Look
at them in their political conventions.
In our most idiOtic moments did we
ever yell and howl ;ls they do?
"Look at them in Congress. A whole
mcnagcric ON 4 drunk couldn't behave
worse. And whore did they get it :
They didn't get it from us, that's Il sure
thing.
''Thc key to their cusscd nonsense is
not the monkey. An admonishing
shake of the head from the president.
Mr.. Darwin must seek for his ancestry
| elsewhere, and lot the monkey alone
He might perhaps trace it to the beasts
of the field or the birds Of the air, OF
(what is more probablc) the j:,c<ass ="
Tremendous applause followed his
| speech. After some further remarks
on the part of distinguished monkeys
of like tenor, the meeting passed II Sc
rics of resolutions utterly rcpudiatina
the Darwinan theory, and adjourned.
Musical and Physical Prodigy.