Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-02-03
HHaXalOrs


The Oldest father father Time.
Objects of interest-bills payable.
The oldest mother-NIrs necessity.
The finest cosmetic is a clear-conscience.
Mutton makes good dish, but a mutton
head may spoil it.
If you want to become real estate agent
marry rich wife.
A hairy nothing -the result of boys
first shave.
The inexperienced make the best hotel
servants.
A belle doesn't always give the best tone
to society.
What bar is that which often opens and
never shuts? crowbar.
Why is newspaper like an army? Be-
cause it has leaders, columns and reviews.
What is the most profitable of all manu-
features? The shoe, for every pair is soled
before it is finished.
Why should hotels be liable to fire when
everybody who sleep in them put their hose
alongside the bed when they turn in?
A debating society out West is discussing
the question, Which is the butt end of a
goat?
A petition to the Detroit city government
ends: And your petitioner will ever pray
if praying will d. any good
Widows have been compared to green
wood, which, while it is burning on one side,
is weeping on the other.
Why is the bottom of coal shaft like the
aounces of woman'a dress? Because it's
fur bcloav.
Physicians recommend young ladies to
form walking clubs. This is matter In
which steps should be taken.
A little girl, sent out to huat eggs, came
back unsuccessfully, complaining that lots
Of hens were standing round doing moth
ing
As you wear! Young swell: I say, boy,
what do you do with your clothes when
you've worn them eut?' Boy: Wears 'em
ONE agin!'-Fan.
If it be true that Brigham is writing a
book having for lis title What know about
Women it will doubtless be an inexhaustive
work.
In Paris nowadays, when man is seen
with carpet-bag in his hand the inquiry is:
What balloon do you take? or when do you
60 up?
Why will the Parisians, when the war is
over, be the most intelligent people in the
world? Because all the asses in Paris will
have been eaten.
IRISH GOODNESS. How is coal this morn
ing said purchaser to an Irishman in a
coal yard Black as iver, replied Pat
respectfully taking off the remains of his
hat.
Anna Dickinson says that there is no
work man can do bat it will be better done
by having woman at his side How about
currying kicking mule?' said correspon
dent.
An editor, speaking of large and fat
contemporary remarked, that if all flesh was
grass he must be load Of hay L expect
| am said the fat man. from the way the
donkeys are nibbling at me-
A female lecturer said: Get married,
young men, and be quick about it. Don't
wait for the millennium, for the girls to be
come angels. You'd look we'll beside an an
gel, wouldn't YOU, you blockheads.
why is it, asks an inquisitiye Alabama
paper. that Missouri husbands sell their de-
ceased wives for dissection? We presume
it is because they can't sell them for any
thing else.
A deacon whe became rich in grocery
not hundred miles from certain State
House, used to boast how much hd had done
for the cause of Temperance, by mixing at
least a gallon Of pure water with every gal
Ion Of liquor he sold.
APPLE PoErRY.-A thirsty wag, imita-
ting what Josh Billings calls poe tic prose-
wrote the following: 'Pick apples now, and
cider make, and through barrel juice it
then get straw, without flaw, and
through the straw reduce it,
Henry Ward Beecher's salary has been
increased to $4,000 It is said to be very
difficult for rich man to get to Heaven
but Beecher, it would seem, either doesn't
believe the story, or has determined to take
the chances Of crawling in under the can
vass
A Milwaukee widow, on being cautioned
By her minister about flirting, said she knew
that it was wrong for unmarried ladies to
Airt, but the Bible was her authority. It
said widows mite She was flirting awful
ly at last accounts, her minister acknowl-
sdging that widows mite.
Papa said little fellow, as he looked
up in his fathers face, docs the logwood
they put into the wine give it its red color?'
Yes certainly
well, papa, is it the logwood in the wine
that makes your nose so red?
Hush your nonsense, child; here, Betty,
get a candle, and put this child to bed
AT Lawrence, Kansas, few Sundays
ago, while minister was holding forth in
Church, crowd got up cock fight in the
yard. The people who had congregated in
the Church went out to put a step to the
fight, but waited till the fight was over be-
fore Directing. The minister looked out of
the window at the crowd, and said: sWe are
all miserable sinners-whieh licked?'
Horace Greeleys little boy, who attends
,,ntovp school will toll the trutb opr