The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1871-03-04
HOME MATTERS.
PEPPER, SALT AND SPICE.

urged to ask him for an office. As the Dents
are remotely connected with the Strawns around
here by marriage, and As the Strawns are SINH
larry related to the Armstrong;, the question
arose with Us, should she get an Office from
Grant, because of this relationship, what relation
would arc be to Grant? We submit this cues.
ton to Prof. Clark, of the high school. We wish
him to figure it out, but do not wish the answer
to be "a poor relation" as we have played in tina,
role long enough. 80. Here is a fish story that
has an advantage over all other Fish stories, be-
cause it il true, and We can prove il by the Fish
lAmesl himself That gentleman not long ago
bought fine pike weighing exactly six pounds
lie was showing 1t to some friends in a store on
Main street, when one Of them said it would
weigh pound more. lat the same time putting a
pair of iron pincers in its mouth when Anes'
back was turned and offered to bet dollar.
A, having just seen the fish weighed, covered
the bet. The fish WAS weighed in two different
places and, to Ames' surprise, balanced pounds.
He lost. and paid like a man. During this time
the pincers had been taken out, when another
man coming in "hef,ed' the fsh and, on being
told that it weighed lbs, offered to bet the
drinks for the crowd that it wouldn't weigh over
6 pounds. Anes, thinking this his only chance
TO get even, quickly accepted the wager, and the
fish was again weighed in the same scales, just
reaching sic pounds! Amss Immediately &c.
cused the owners of keeping false scales, and
came near getting "thrashing" in one place.
and getting booted" out OF the other You can
"phancy his pheelinks" when, after getting the
drinks, the other fellow let him into the secret.
ANY one "spling" for a fight can be accommo-
dated by asking Fish about that pike. They
have man at Upper Msrseilles named Deaue
He is the psteraal ancestor on the masculine
side Of our Isl" OF the livery stable. This
Deane is much OF q wag, and delights in "sels'
He lies awake nights thinking up" sells to per.
petrste On the boys about town. Ho is the swn.
er OF some property in that town which he de.
sires to sell. tall, decent looking stranger
came 10 tina. burg and looked at Deanes posses.
sions, and agreed to buy, and to pay cash down.
Desne WAS delighted, and took the stranger
everywhere. He showed him the town and its
surroundings, the saloons, the stores, the manu-
factories and the people. and introduced him IS
''The gentleman from Kentucky; rich, you
know-very." They agreed to come to Ottawa,
Deans paying railroad fare, hotel bills, &C., for
both, 4. strangers money was in a large draft.
Man Of the draft got up one morning after they
had been here = couple Of days and left for parts
unknown, Desne minus few stamps. Dssns is
now mad enough 10 60 TO y lunatlc asylum %.
Boys now 20 to Cards and get Frank Durham
excellent, and does no. show itself on ones nose
until after the fifteenth drink Z. They have
struck Pete in Ottawa. Il i. the genuine article,
a Ave and a half FOO, vein not vsin). 1t WAS
done at Bownan'-, by handsome young LADY,
WIS had her picture taken, and she was NO pref.
ty that Pete, Bowman's printer, fell in love with
the original. He now sits up nights and signs
and gszes st she moon. They took our pictars
there and it didn't work tina. way. We warAed
them sgans, attemptia. it, as it would break
their machine, and sure enough it did. The
glass on which the negative was broke into frag.
ments before the third picture was printed
Though it was half an inch thick, it couldn't
stand the pressure. Fact. We have doctor
here who is tmld man, "a bachelor who lives
by himself" Lately, being in law office, big,
stout farmer come in and asked the lawyer for
30 cents. The lawyer hadn't that amount,
whereupon the doctor being present, offered to
loan that sum to the farmer, Who took the money
and departed, promising to refund it IN day
or two Days and weeks rolled by, but no big
farmer gladdeued TIE doctor by coming to see
him with that 80 cents. One day, while passing
store, the doctor espied therein big, stout
farmer, and at once, thinking him 10 b. his man
of the so cent affair. went in. The big man 10
one of those wealthy, crusty, Independent fellows
who would st.rve before he would borrow, aud
see man in tophet before he would lend. The
doctor asked him for that 80 cents whsreupon
the big man, half angry and little amused
answered, "See here, you town Teller, you evi.
IDENTIFY don't know me. Ne borrow OF the likes
of YOU Then assuming menacing attitude
the doctor ncontAe ntly fled. In few weeks
afterwards the doctor saw aman in another store,
big man in "wamus' and a coon skin cap
That, thought the doctor, is he-that's may man.
lie went and after first gently reminding the
big man of the circumstances, was about to ask
for that 30 cents" when the big man, with
wrathful countenance and clenched fists, turned
and exclaimed in fsarfuly loud voice, " You
- scoundrel, this is the second time you
have tried 20 lie me out of 80 cents, and nov
am going to -" but the doctor didn't wait to
hear the remainder. He made his legs rattle as
he went towards his office, and getting there be
locked himself in. He has abandoned all efforts
(, all Loaf. NAT IN