The Placer herald., 1871-11-25
NUMBER IA.
THE WRONG MOONEY.

In Baltimore a short time ago, the death
of William T.. Mooney was announced, and Il
day was fixed for his funeral, to which his
friends were invited 1t seems that there
were in the city two men named William r.
Mooney, each Of whom had many acquain-
tances. Now, the friends Of the living Will
liam got an idea that he was dead; and so
upon the day appointed for the funeral, they
repaired to the house named in the adver-
tisement, for tho purpose of shedding a re-
gretful tear or two over the remains of their
departed friend. The existing Mooney also
took notion TO call around, partly TO see
his dead namesake, and partly that he might
ascertain how it felt to attend funeral at
which William z. Mooney otiicated in the
capacity of corpse. He arrived when the
services were nearly ended, and he stood out
in the vestibule, waiting for them to conclude.
When all was over, some of his own mis-
guided friends started for the street. They
were amazed and alarmed to perceive, right
in the doorway, TIE figure of the man whom
they supposed to be dead! One of the party
thought it must be the apparition of Mooney;
so lie poked it with his umbrella TO ascertain
if it was real. This hurt Mr.. Mooney, and
made him so mad that he struck the prober
of ghosts with his cane. Then another one
of the party spoke to him:
"Why, Mooney, what are you doing out
here? A man ought to conduct himself bet
ter than this at his own funeral" ett.
"Whose funeral?" said Mooney. "It's.
none of mine. -
"See here, Mooney" they all said "why
don't you behave? You oughnt to carry
on SO, after all the good things the minister
said about you 1t isn't right
"Who are you talking about ?" exclaimed
William p, Indignantly. ''I'm as lively as
you are!
"Mooney, this is wrong urged the crowd;
"this is all wrong. You know you are dead.
you know that your family is roosting around
up stairs there, crying and going on like mad.
You ought to have more respect for their
feelings than to be standing around here
fighting. Now, just go back into your coffin,
and let the procession so quietly to the Gem
etery without any more fuss
"Dum the procession" calculated the in
censed Mooney. &C I'm no more dead thau
you are .-.
"Now, it's Of no use arguing the point,
William" said his friends. ''The notice has
been published in the papers; the undertaken
has fixed you up comfortably in ice; Grape
has been tied on you door-knob; the Board
of Trade has passed resolutions of respect to
your memory; they have bought nice mar
BILE monument to hold you down, and every
thing; SO you must be dead. You can't 60
back on the Board Of Trade, Mr.. Mooney
now, can yon?"
'lts a mistake" said Mooney; cts all
a mistake. Let me explain it to you"
go, there's no need of explanation" said
bis friends, "the corpse is not in order. The
simple fact is that you are dead mani
Here's the weeping family; there's the hearsc,
the under taker, the minister and the mourn
ers, and in the paror stands the coffin Now,
you have got to 90 in and be packed up in
that coffin, whether you want to or not.
Some men never know what is best for them,
anyhow We came here to have funeral,
and funeral we are going to have, no mat
ter if you don't like it. There is 10 use of
saying you wont, for you have got to; SO
come along!"
Thereupon they seized Mooney and drag
ged him into the parlor. Those who wit
hSCoCU IiS ViiSouHtSi IL W do tSilIiS. uo
report spread that the corpse was loose, and
the undertaken and the pall-bearers all joined
in the fray, and the combat ,hickened, until
Mooney broke from his tormenters and DART
ed into the kitchen, where the undertaken
knocked him down with fat-iron, and
pinned him to the floor with poker through
his vtals, until assistance could be secured.
The truth was developed then, and Mooney
was carried carefully to the hospital in apush-
cart. When lie gets well he intends to
search the directory, and to ascertain if an
other man named Mooney lives in Balti-
more. If there is such heng, William p
proposes to ask the Legislature to furnish
him with Chinese name in eighteen sylla-
bles, and warranted unlike any other in tho
whole realm of nature.