Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-07-18
-Let2ach for HasmaO26sts.

a d0Wn-eaSt editor says that since the recent
rains the farmers ARE smiling like new shin
giles on patched roof.
Ye who are eating the apple dumplings and
molasses of wealth, should not forget those
who are sucking the herring-bones of poverty.
"Modesty'' asks us what is the best meth
cd of popping the question ?" 1t is good
deal like champagne-if it don't pop itself
there is something wrong about it.
"Ma," said little girl to her mother, do
men want to get married as much as women p
'Pshaw what are you talking about?' Why,
ma, the women who come here are always talk
ing about getting married-the men don't.
Nick's stout landlady apologized for the mea-
greness of her breakfast by saying that when
her butcher failed her, she always fell back ON
her hams. MADAM" said Nick, consolingly,
'you could not fall back on anything more sub
stantial."
An Irishman was speaking of the excellence
of telescope "Do you see that wee speck on
the edge of the hill yonder? That, now, is my
old pig, though barely to be seen but when L
look at him with my glass, it brings him so
near that [ can plainly hear him grunt.
Little six years old Georgia. having been in
structed by his aunt Katie to pray for his papa,
and being one evening interrupted in his devo-
tons, and told by her that he must now pray
for his mamma, replied Aunt Katie, you
just hold your horses now. Who's runnin' this
prayer, you or me?'
They have a singular method of long meas
urement in the West An Oregon teacher
writes to her Eastern friends: "A panther was
killed last week near my school room, measu
ring seven feet from the tip of the ears to the
extremity Of the tail, and seven back again,
making fourteen feet in all. -
The story that the New York Tribune is
having Mr.. Greeley's old editorial manuscripts
engraved as maps of the seat of war is ridicu-
lous on the face of it, when any one considers
that they can be put to service as new editori-
ais by giving them to fresh compositor to set
up the second time.
Girls argues that Robinson Crusoe was hap
by, because 'he had no neighbors to quarrel
with, didn't have gas bill coming in every
month, wasn't threatened with having the wa
ter stopped, hadn't any one to scold him when
he came in late, wasn't kept awake by the f.
ring fourth of July nights, nor harrassed by
any life insurance agent.
Lady of the House -'Really, cook, you
must be more careful with the early dinner
The mutton yesterday was hardly warmed
through, and the children could not eat it.
Cook-'Then hadn't the children better
dine after US, mum? If [ cook the jint any
in it when it comes to be hotted up for the
kitchen"
Thirsty gent enters the bar-room of first
class hotel early in the day: Landlord, |
guess L We got sense enough to take a drink
this morning" Obsequious bartender furnish
es the desired beverage, and the thirsty gent
smiles smacks his lips, and remarks: well,
old toll, that's prime, but III cussed if I've got
cents enough to pay for it. Exit with flying
colors.
s'Why SO late?' said schoolmaster to
little urchin, as he entered the room on cold,
slippery morning in February. why, sir,
replied the boy, II would take one step for
ward, and slide back two Indeed ~ said
the teacher, then how did you get here at all,
if that was the case ?'' "Oh, I" said the boy,
scratching his head, on finding himself caught,
81 turned round and walked the other way"
Down in Texas the preaching of the Gospel
is put to curious use. There are gangs of
horse-thieves in that State as in most other
States. One of these gangs is headed by
pretended minister of the Gospel, who is
the habit Of holding protracted meetings In
in certain localities. While the congregation
is engaged in worship, at given signal from
the minister the horse thieves make descent
steal all the horses, and are off before their
presence is discovered.
The manner of the purely Western writer is
never more admired by the indigenous Western
farmer, of grocery store education, than when
he writes like this: Here is the style of steed
the Governor of Oregon rides, according to the
Salem Mercury: He, has purchased ION tick
a bushy-headed, club-footed, bench-legged,
ewe-necked, stifed, wheeling, hip-shotten,
lumber ointed, Shaggy-talled, vermin-eaten,
one-eyed Cayuse pony, which he rides into
town on a sheep-skin saddle, at pace which
describes itself as hip-a-te toot rickety rack,
chugg, chugg gate.
A youngster who was taken into a toy bazaar
the other day by his doting mamma had
number of articles exhibited by the attentive
clerk, In the hope of enlisting his attention and
effecting sale, but without. effect. At last one
of those pdpier mdche representations of the
mouse was produced, and after being wound I'D
by key,..was set down upon the floor, where
it ran about in the most mouse-like manner i'm
aginable. The youngsters attention was en-
listed at once; but the result was not as his
mother or the salesman expected, for he shout |
ed out, 'Oh, mamma, 1 don't want that; we
have got lots of them at home, and don't have
to wind EN- up either. .
Tn small country town In Hartford county
resides a clergyman who is the pastor of a small
flock, who esteem him very highly, and whom
he is fond of catechizing. A few days since,
while taking ramble through the village, he |
stopped at the house of one of his parishion- |
ers, and after the usual sautations had been |
exchanged, the conversation ran as follows:
Wen, sister w, can you tell me how old |
. The lady. commenced to smile auaibly, and
finally replied: --.-~>~~
why my. dear doctor, you re not serious ?''
Very serious indeed, !" responded the doc
tor. $50 ls4e} 2.zs-ea-
Mrs W., whose husbands name l.r