The weekly democratic statesman. [volume] (Austin, Tex.) 1871-1883, 1871-10-19
PEN AND SCISSORS.

a hedgehog.
Bold stroke for a husband-Beat>
ing his wife.
Sausage vendors sign-Love me,
love my dog,
A handy tune-For-tune. It's not
common metre.
Brigham Young is three score and
ten, so are his #ives.
The most popular of all watch
words-Tick.
Cash demonstrating up to a
rich widow.
Transported for life-A man who
marries happily.
The ties that connect business men
with the public-Adyertise.
How to overcome your sorrows-
strike one of your own sighs.
A hint to mothers-treat your
babies kindly, but not cordially.
The drunkard's fayorito gcometri-
cal fgure-the rye-tangle.
Nine ,tenths of all the school
teachers in Massachusetts are women.
Gravity is no more evidence of
wisdom than paper collar is of a
shirt.
Why do birds in their little nests
agree? Because they'd fall out, if
they didn't.
An occulist charged man 81, 900
for taking out an eye. The patient
Couldn't see it.
Put money in thy purse, as the
pickpocket said when he robbed a
man of an empty one.
There is but one good wife in the
world, and every happily welded
man thinks he has her.
"What are you looking so sharply
at that elephant for?'' "To sec if I
can discover the key-hole to his
trunk"
y California editor has bought
mule, and brother editor chronicles
it as remarkable instance of self
possession.
A Savannah man was cured of
rheumatism by the active movements
he made to get out Of the way of
mad steer.
Why does the gorilla prefer the
tropics to any other part of the
world? Because it is the only place
he can call his zone.
Why is pretty, we'll made, fash
ionable girl like a thrifty, house
keeper? Because she has made a
great hustle about very small waist.
The height of Sabbatarianism-
finding bank note on the pavement
on Sunday, and declining to pick
it up.
A lady in California with fortune
of half a million has married a"heath-
en- Chinee" "a poor, miserable speci-
men of the tribe at that.
A Napoleon, ARK, editor says
"Where our Office was two weeks ago,
now runs the Mississippi. Out of res
pect to the Father of Waters, We left. "
Beware of any undertaking which
is announced with flourish of trum-
pets. The instruments on which the
subsequent performances take place
are too often penny whistles.
Some one once said that the most
perfect personifcation of dignity he
ever saw was an old COW standing in
the corner Of Virginia fence COM
placently chewing her cud.
4 veteran merchant says, that al
though his clerks are very talkative
during the day, they are always
ready to shut up at night.
I kno lots ov pholks who are Plus
jist bokauz they wuz born so. They
kant tell when they got religion, and
if they should lose it, they wouldn't
know it Josh Billings.
The NEGLECTED Married Women's
society" at Long Branch, has passed
q resolution inviting respectable
young men to attend the weekly
meetings.
A potato has been raised out West
measuring twenty eight and half
inches lcngthwise and twenty-five and
half inches otherwise. 1t is to be
divided and distributed among the
poor.
The fall and winter crop Of female
lecturers bids fair to be very heavy.
All sorts of subjects will be intro
duced. Glow to keep down The
family" is announced by "bcauti,
full Indiana lady Of twenty-five"
A bank is said to be the most like
ly building to catch cold in, because
there are so many drafts in it; and
the reason there are s omany drafts
in it, is because there are so many
people so there to raise the wind.
A reporter thus graphically de-
scribes the effect Of a storm on the
North river: "Whilo the storm was
in the height, the vessel keeled to
the larboard, and the Captain and
another barrel Of whisky fell over
board"
Squabbles, an old bachelor, shows
his stockings, which he had just
darned, to maiden lady who con-
temtuOusly remarked, "Pretty good
for a man darner." Whereupon
Squabbles rejoins, eyes, good enough
for a woman, darn her"
Some time ago a fellow in Idaho
married a girl of twelve summers.
He was FIVE feet tall himself, and