Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-05-19
HuInOr.

Sky lights-stars
On the wing-Aying colors
Ocean timber-the a-hoard
How was Jonah punished-whaled.
Flat falsehood-ly on your back.
The only Ku-Clucks-our old hen.
A common difference matrimonial
squabble.
The bitter end the last half inch of a
penny cigar.
Seeing through glass darkly inspect
ing TIE contents of black bottle.
How does the woodpecker get its food ?
Why, it runs up bilP for it.
Advice to children-mind your mothers
Advice to mothers-mind your children.
When does chair dislike you-when it
can't bear you.
An enraged man tears his hair, but an
enraged woman tears her husbands.
Why are lazy-loeking young ladies most
adored? Because they are sdle-eyed-ed.
The individual who is contented with his
lot proves to be real-estate owner.
Why is laziness like money? Because
the more a man has of it, the more he
wants
When is Bridget like the kitchen fire p
When she's gone out; and likewise when
she fares up.
An editor who served four days on jury
says he's so full! Of law that it is hard to
keep from cheating somebody.
Why is grain of sand in the eye like
schoolmastef's cane? Because it hurts the
pupil.
A bad plan to have the wealth. rcock of
church in the pulpit instead Of Ga rhe stee-
pie.
One who knows says, that in the country
they blow horn before dinner, but in town
they take one in.
It is singular that when mans accounts
are in the most crooked condition, he is said
to be in Strengthened circumstances.
Marriage-an altar on which man lays
his pocket-book, and woman her love-let-
tefs.
A white boy asked a young negro what
he had such short nose for; 4 'specks so
it won't poke itself into other peoples bust
ness
Have I not offered you every advantage?
said doting father to his SON. oh, yes,'
replied the youth, but could not think Of
taking advantage Of my father
G1v1Na.-A miser having threatened to
give poor laborer some blows with stick.
L don't believe you. said the other, for
you never give anything
AL1Ne.-'Hallo! I say, wi at did you
say your medicine would cure?' oh, it IL
cure everything, heal anything" 'Ah, we'll,
I'll take bottle; maybe il IL heel my boots
they need it bad enough ?
Mrs Partington was asked, what church
do you go to9 TO any paradoxical church,
said the old lady, looking over her spec
tacles. where the divine word is dispensed
with
A giddy student, having got his skull
fractured, was told by his doctor that the
brain was visible; on which he remarked:
do write and tell father, for he always said
I had none
Tom, said man to his friend, Il think
it highly dangerous to keep the bills of
small banks on hand nowadays. PIN
answered the other, 4 find it more difficult
than dangerous.
Bob, [ have some idea of Offering myself
for the Legislature Do you think I will
make good run?
why, yes, Will, Judging from the SAM
pie saw the other day. when that big stick
wss drawn on you. think you will make
a first rate run.
It is nice going to some Iowa schools. A
lady teacher at Des Moines called boy up
and made him show her how he kissed the
big girls in the woodshed. After he showed
her, she punished him by making him stay
after school. He says he don't want to
graduate for two years yet. Eil.-.
A young minister whose reputation for
yeracity was not very good once ventured
to differ with an old doctor of divinity as to
the efficacy of the use Of the rod. Why
said he, the only time my father ever whip
ped me it was for telling the truth WELL
retorted the doctor. lit cured you of it,
didn't it?'
A wife who had been lccturing her hus-
band on coming home intoxicated, became
incensed at his Indifference and exclaimed:
oh, that could wiring tears of anguish
from your eyes To which the hardened
wretch hiccupped:
'Tai-tai-tain't no use, old woman, to
bo-bo-bore for water there
TRY1N' TO THE BAsrE.-A Hibernian fresh
from the green isle. having sufficient means
to provide himself with horse and cart, (the
latter kind he probably never saw before)
went to work on public road. Being d.
rected by the overseer to move lot Of stone
near by and deposit them in gully on
the side of the road, he forthwith loaded
his cart, drove up to the place, and had
nearly finished throwing off his load by hand,
when the overseer told him that was not the
wav. he must tilt or dump his load at once,
Paddy replied that he would know better
the next time After loading again he drove
to the chasm. put his shoulder to the wheel
and upset the horse, cart and all into
the gully. Scratching his head, and look
ing rather doubtfully at his horse below
him. he abserved: sBedad, it's mighty