Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1871-11-26
MARK TWAIN.
His Lecture on ArtemuS Ward.
Humorous "Reminiscences of A. Ward
All Sorts of DrOIIeries and Oddities
A sketch of Wards LIfe-Hfs Great
ShOw-AmOns she LOndOz FOgs-H1s
Death. .-.-#.

Mark Twain came strolling on the stage,
in that peculiar style of his, and ''howled,"
TO use his own phrase, in the following
manner:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: | ask leave
to introduce to you the lecturer of the
evening, Mr.. Clemens, otherwise Mark
Twain, a gentleman of great learning, of
scientific research, and one whose unwaver-
ing adherence to the truth. is in fehcitous
harmony with his high moral character and
his majestic presence. l refer to myself.
l introduce myself because thought it
necessary. No one could take me then for
the prevailing grand duke. l like to do it
myself, BECAUSE l can get in all the facts.
ARTEMUs WARD:
This slecture, I viii remark, is, about Ar
temus Ward When first -started out in
this missionary expedition l thought of
cTowding in several people, but found,
could get only zone in, and hi1p not easily
so | just Topped off Milton, Martin Luther
and the rest of the other shumorists. Ar
temus Ward was, perhaps, the greatest
.-humOrist America ever produced, but the
trouble was that he stopped too soon in his
Development. Co., e..
I.vii illustrate his character by -anec-
doteS not by philosophical deductions.
like his deductions myself but they only
exaspoeate an audience. -Artemus Ward
was .
BORN A HUMORIST,
was funny from his cradle to his grave.
Once when a school boy he and 4 friend
got hold of a pack of cards and INDUCED
heavily in euchre. A Baptist minister was
stopping at the house, andetO secrete the
cards, they placed them in his black gown
which hung in a closet. But what was his
horror TO see the minister one day, in the
river baptising his converts, and presently,
the cards commenced to float upon the wa
ter, the first cards being a couple of bowers
and three aces. Well, he got well walOped
for this, aud his aunt pictured TO him the
humiliation of the minister. Said she: 81
don't see how he got out of it." Artemus
replied: 81 don't see how he could help
gong out on hand like that
Artemus Ward, as you know, was Chas
F. Browne, born in 1884, at Waterford,
Me. But he wasn't very stout; he was built
on the gloye-stretcher principle. He came
of good old Puritan stock, and was proud
oft He says himself, "The Wards are
descended from that noble race who fled
from despOtsm to a land where they could
enjoy their own religion, and prevent every
body else from enjoying DIS.
Mr.. Twain here referred to his own an
cestors Said he, Il had them in the Bos-
ton massacre, and at Bunker Hill, where
they were always to be found among the
dead, wounded and missing. They were
generally missing before the first shot. You
see they were always prompt that way.
Artemus did not have much education,
and the reason was that he didn't like to
!. . I'D s.FNaa rar-nc
ed a plan to the State by which the tread
mills, in which conyicts walk, should be run
by steam. He was proud Of his home, and
was
DUTIFUL, LOVING son.
The first use he made of his money, was
TO clear off the debts on his old homestead.
Arfemus had to make his living when
quite boy, commencing with printer in
Skowhegan. He worked 50 hard he got
disguised, but loved the name of Skowhe-
gan. II reminded him Of the beautiful
Spanish names; it sounded so different.
About the aye Of sixteen be went to Boston
and got on "
"MRs. PARTINGToN's' CARPET BAG.
Then it was he wrote his first piece, and
dropped it stealtllily into the office, and
how proud he felt next day,when they gave
il to him to set up; then be commenced to
write and write generally. he touched
everything. lie even wrote a column of I
scierti c essay, entitled: az Cats Useful?'
and sent it to the Smithsonian Institute.
Then he swung around generally and go
TO Cleveland, where he became a reporter
Here he became well-known in his particu
lar line. Abiding to very slow railroad
he said the railroad was a breeder of injus
tice. He told of convict who was startet
to GO to the Jail at the end of the road, but go
so old while going that he didn't answer tn
description when he got there. Speaking 0
this same road, he once told the conducto
the cow-catcher should be on the other en-
there the danger lay. 'You can't" sal
he, ..ove7ake a COW, but what's to hinde