Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-04-14

SleIShlnS all day Is SAID 10 De KILL
ing time.
A green grocer-one who trusts.
Female gatherings-Ladies' rufiies-
The great American bird The
"bird'' in the hand.
In Colorado there are men of many
mines. s.. 4,
The greatest nutmeg ever known
met with CRATER. .-s5
Doing a roaring misunderstanding
a wild beast show. .r..
How to make time so fast-Use
the spur of the moment. .-s-
What causes cold, cures a cold.
and fees the doctor? A draft.
= The nearest an old bachelor gets
to the matrimonial harneSs-A sir
single.
Why are hens not immortal? Be
cause they have their ',ecIs ttrirled in
this.
Order slate is the injuditious
advice suspended before certain coal
Offices. o .
To convert an artless maiden into
a heartlesS enc, there is only wanted
a che" - a o
His forehead extended to the ga
BILE end of his neck" means he was
bald headed. -,; -
The horse is n curious feeder. He
eats best when he hasn't a bit in his
mouth.
What did the spider do when he
came out of the ark? He took fly
and went home. cave -- gs
During peace a regiment is quar-
tered; during war times it is occa-,
sionally cut to pieces. .o..r
Why is love always represented as
a child? Because he never reaches
the age Of discretion. z.-rss
That woman was philosopher
who. when she lost her husband, said
she had one great consolation-she
knew where he was O. nights!
An old lady, who was sharply ques
toned the other day in court by an
angry lawy er, remarked, on leaving
the witness stand, that she now un-
derstood what is meant by cross-ex-
amination. r.
A contented mind is a continual
feast Eyes, perhaps: but there are
men = gastropEilistic parties - who
read it, that continual feast is the
best way of getting a contented mind.
An .absent-minded Indianian who
;tarted out after his COW found the |
in the middle of the road, |
md, pocketing it, followed its tink-
ing for twenty miles before he re-
that it was not on the cows
neck. .-..
A young miss, in a seekonk school, |
N recitation in geography. inform
ID her astonished teacher that 1.-THE
mammoth caravan in Kentucky is the
greatest living curiosity, and has
been exploded ten miles from its
nouth.'l 8 GlTs1 .H8a
Mother" said little Johnny. run.
ling j, to the house one afternoon,
when the thunder was sounding heavi-
Y, Its going to rain. for don't you
lear the pumps going?"
A young lady said a pretty good
hing the other evening. She has
many admirers among the limbs of
he law, and. on bcirg asked how
he escaped heart whole. supposed it
vas owing to the fact that ''in a null
itude of councillors there is safety"
'.Fellow-travelers," said ''cullud'
preacher, "ef [ had been etin' dried
pPleS for a week, an den took to
lrlnkin' for mont, 1 coodL't feel
more sNelPd up dan | am dis minute
sid pride and vanity az SEEM SIGH
NIL tendance bar dis cvcnin'.." N
The New Haven woman who re-
emily got married. and took her
redding tour in horse car, wrote to
friend the next morning saying she
7as Just as well satisfied as though
he had travelled around the world.
A little Boston girl ioyfully assured
er mother- the other day hat she
ad found out where they made hor-
es "she had seen man IL n shop
ist finishing ono of them. for he
as mailing on his last foot I.
An oil lady reading tie market
y crts for the first time, tunlbled
pom the quotation, Coffee, weak
I'D remarked. ''weIl, / do declare.
they don't weaken coffee now be.
re it is parched." 5ig IL
A young lady at Indianapolis was
ldeavoring to impress upon the |
inds Of her Sunday-School scholars I
le sin and terrible punishment of
ebuctadnezzar; and when she said
iat for seven years he ate grass like
COW, she vas astoished by a little
ri who asked, did he give milk" +,