The Portland daily press., 1871-12-14

Putting up the Stove.

We do not remember the exact date of the
invention of stoves but it was several years
ago. Since then mankind have been torment
ed, once year, by the difficulties that beset
the task ofputting them up, and getting tho
pipes "fixed." With all our Yankee ingenui-
ty, no American has ever invented a method
by which the labor of putting up stove can
be lessened. The job is now almost as severe
and vexatious as humanity can possibly ell
dure
Men always put up their stoves on a rainy
day. Why, we know not; but we never
heard an exception to the rule. The first
step to be taken is to put on very old and
ragged coat, under the impression that when
'iie operator gets his mouth full of plaster it
will keep his shirt-bosom clean. Next. he gets
MS hahu inside the place where the pipe
ought to 60, and blacks his fingers then he
carefully makes black mark down one sid,
of his nose. Having got his face properly
marked, the victim-usually ''paterfamilias''
is ready to begin the ceremony.
The "head of the family" grasps one side
of the bottom of the stove, aid his wife and
his hired girl take hold of the other side. In
this way the stove is started from the wood
shed toward the parlor. Going through the
door, the chief operator carefully swings his
side of the stove around and jams his thum-
nail against the door-post. Having got the
family comfort in place, the next thing is
to find the legs. Two of these are left inside
the stove since the spring before. The other
two must be hunted after for twenty-five
minutes. They are usually found under the
coal. Then the "head of the family holds
up one side of the stove while his wife puts
two of the legs in place, and next he holds up
the other side while the other two are fixed,
and one of the first two falls out. BY the
time the stove is on its legs he gets reckless,
and takes of his old coat, eg"rlless of his
linen.
''raterfamilias'' then goes for the pipe and
gets two cinders in his eye 1t don't make
any difference how well the pipe was put up
last year, it will always be found a little too
short or little too long. ''The head of the
family jams his hat over his eyes, and taking
pipe under each arm goes to the tin-shop to
have it fixed. When he gets back, he steps
upon one of the best parlor chairs to see if
the pipe fits, and his wife makes him get
down for fear he will scratch the varnish off
the chair with the nails in his boot-heel. Iii
| getting down, he will surely step on the cat,
| and may thank his stars that it is not the ba-
by. Then he gets an old chair and climbs up
to the chimney again, to find that in cutting
the pipe OIL, the end has been left too big for
the hole in the chimney. So he goes to the
wood-shed and splits one side of the end of
the pipe with an old ak, and squeezes it in
his hands to make it smaller.
The chief operator at length gets the pipe
in shape, and finds that the stove does not
stand true. Then himself and his wife and
the hired sirl move the stove to the left and
the legs fall out again. Next it is to
be moved to the right. More difficulty
now with the legs. Move to the front little.
Elbow not even with the hole in the chimney,
and the ''head of the family goes again to
the wood-shed after some little blocks. While
putting the block under the legs the pipe
comes out of the chimney. That remedied.
the elbow keeps tipping over, to the great
alarm of the wife. ''Paterfamilias" gets the
dinner-table out, puts the old chair on it,
makes his wife take hold of the chair, and
balances himself on it to drive some nails into
the ceiling; but in doing this he drops the
hammer on his wife's head. AT last he gets
the nails driven, makes wire swing to hold
the pipe, hammers a little here, pulls a little
there, takes long breath, and announces the
ceremony concluded.
Job never put up any stoves. 1t would
have ruined his reputation if he had.