The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-02
Il U N 0 RoUs ITEMS

Nine cents
Bzs" The ladies will wear nothing but
the smallest bonnets, says an exchange.
Scant attire that, we imagine, for as cool
a latitude as this
Bsls" Husband, | must have some change
to-day" Well, stay at home and take
care of the children; that will be change
enough"
Bsas~ The following expressive notice
is posted on the closed door of Brook
lyn cobbler's shop: " This beznies Is
klosed for IA week tn elou the bos a
chanz ter be six"
Bsay~ How much did he leave 2" in
quircd a gentleman of wag on learning
the death of wealthy citizen. Every
thing" responded the wag. He didn't
take dollar with him.
gsy" When Sheridan taught school, he
had in one Of his classes boy who al
ways read partridges for patriarchs.-
Stop" exclaimed the wag of a teacher,
" You shall not make game of the pa
triarchs."
Bay An Elmira farmer wrote to Mr..
Greeley for his advice as to whether plas-
ter was good to put on potatoes. Horace
said he always used gravy or butter on
potatoes, but supposed any one could get
accustomed to plaster if they make an ef-
tort.
BGy" The Dutchman who refused to
take one dollar bill because it might be
altered from ten prefers stage travelling
to railroads The former he says, rides
him eight hours for dollar, while the
latter only rides him one.
Bay" A couple of ladies got into New
York omnibus which was so full of pas
sengers that only one could get seat
The anxious driver looked down into the
stage and said Have you got seat,
madam 7" Lady" Oh yes but l have
no place to put it "
sas~ A little girl meeting country
man driving load of slaughtered hogs,
dropped courtesy. The rustic laughed,
without returning the civility. What p
said he, " do you courtesy to the dead
hogs| " No, sir" replied the little miss,
courtesied to the live one"
Bas~ Father, did you ever have an
other wife besides mother?" "No, my
boy what possessed you to ask such
question ?" Because saw in our family
Bible where you were married to Ammo
Domini, in 1885, and that isn't mother,
for her name was Sally Smith"
R0- The other day Mrs. Muggins find
ing herself unwell, sent for doctor, and
in the presence of Muggins and her
medical man, declared her belief that
she was poisoned, and that he (Muggins)
had done it. 81 didn't do it," shouted
Muggins, it's all gammon-she isn't
poisoned. Prove it, doctor-open her
on the spot! Pm willingw
geS> A very uninteresting old maid we
once saw, during religious revival, was
induced to 90 forward to be prayed for.
One of the ministers asked her if she
felt herself under under the influence of
the Holy Spirit. Placing her hand on
her stomach, she replied, 81 feel some
thing here but / don't know whether it
is wind or religion"
De3sn There is an undertaken in one Of
our western towns whose sign bears the
inscription Every requisite for fu-
neral" John Mcbride Davidson passing
along with Billy Birch, went in and said
he would take corpse. GA corpse l
haven't any," "Then take down your
sign" said Nc. =" don't know anything
more requisite for a funeral than corpse.
Good morning."
Bas- A Dutchman related misfortune
which befell his son in the following man
ner:
Poor Hans he bit himself NIT a rat
tle-snake, and vas sick into his bed for
six weeks in te month of August-and
all his cry vas Water! Water! Und he
couldn't eat noting till he complained of
being leetle peter, SO ash he could stand
up ON his elbow, and cat little tea"
Bas~ DR.. Buchard was once called in
to comfort very sick old sinner, and
during the interview proposed to pray for
him. In the course of his supplication,
he prayed that the sick man might be
brought to see the error of his ways, and
that he might have aeaO heart At this
point of the ceremony, the invalid inter-
posed: "Stop stop! Doctor Buchard
You're all wrong There amt anything
the matter with my heart, that's all right
ennnnh ItIs INV Ii,,e,. that's nilin, p NJ