Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-07-13
Humorous Readings.

The colored walters of a New York
hotel are organizing brass band. One
of the clerks will furnish all the brass re-
quired for the entire outfit, free.
An exchange says: The compositors
in San Francisco embrace many ladies'
The compositors in San Francisco ought
to be ashamed of themselves.
Josh Billings says that, 'one ov the
hardest things for emmy man TO do is tew
fall down on the ice when it is wet, and
then git up and prsze the Lord
A numerously paragrspbed laundress
is reported to hold that "while there's life
there's sosp;" but like many other human
aspirations, this is based upon lye.
The young lady who thought that the
gentleman who raised his hat most fire.
quently to her in the avenue was her best
bower has been left with lone hand.
In Boston, a poor man, who less than a
year ago had only one suit Of clothes,
went into the newspaper business, and
low hss eight suits. Seven of them are
for libel.
A Schenectady policeman had biz pocket
picked of all his weeks savings. The citi-
zens are frantically appealed to protect
the policemen from the raVsges of thieves.
At recent lecture Professor x
| stated that Saturn had ring six thous-
and miles broad. "Be jabers," exclaimed
an lrishman who WAS present, "what
finger be must have"
"There is one kind of ship / always
r
captain, "and that's courtsbip, cause on
that ship there's always two mates and
no captain"
An old gentleman of Kalamazoo
thought be could save time by crawling
under train that was standing on the
track. He made time and eternity, too,
az the train started too suddenly.
A Scotchman slked an Iriehman why
farthings were coined in England, and
Pats answer was: "To give Scotchmen
an opportunity to subscribe for charitable
institutions"
A Patterson man has discovered a new
process of entering land He tried TO
cross the track previous TO a locomotive,
and was dug out of the ground 10 an ad-
joining field.
Russia Furnishes drunkards by making
them sweep the streets, What a sight it
would be if the same punishment should
be inflicted on the unfortunate victims Of
the Intoxicating cup in this country.
The proprietor of a forge, not remark
able for bis correctness of language, hut
who, by honest industry, had realized a
comfortable independence, being called
on at socisl meeting for a toast, gave
Success to forgery
A man in Virginia has invented fly
ing machine, and is perfectly willing that
any of bis friends should try it from the
highest church steeple in the place. But
none of them care about going ont on the
fy'
When a steady, well-behsved young
man is seen shaking hands with a pump,
and bidding it an affectionate good night,
or saying 'Poor old tCorkison Robscrew,'
there may be some slight apprehension
that he had been taking something.
Mr.. Agassiz says that in certain Anna
zonian tribes, on the day of his marriage,
while the wedding festivities are going on
the bridegroom's hands are tied up in a
paper bag filled with fire ants. II he bears
this torture smilingly and unmoved, be
is considered fit for the trials of matri-
mony.
Among the members elect of the New
Mexican Legislature is Alphonso Ferdin-
and Sensy Garcia Francisco Antonio Cor
tes Maria Gonsalvo Diego Juraez Mestes.
He is expected TO vote unanimously with
the Republicans, and will give them a
clear majority of ten on joint ballot it
properly counted.
Shut your eyes and listen NIT me-
said Uncle Van Heyde. Well, the first
night opens store / count de moneys,
and finds him nix right. l counts him,
and dere be tree dollar gone, and vot der
yer think does then 2 i cannot say
Wy, l did not count him any more, and
be come ont shust right ever since
A reverend gentleman was addressing
a Sabbath school concert at the Boston
Highlands, and was trying to enforce the
doctrine that the hearts of the little ones
were sinful and needed TO be given TO
Christ. Taking ont his watch and holding
il mp. he said: "Now, here is my watch
suppose it don't keep good time i; now goes
too fast and now too slow what shall
do with itp "Sell it," shouted fsxen
headed youngster.
John B. Cough tells the following story,
though the joke may be at bis own ex-
pepse. Once while on a lecturing tour
through England he was introduced to
village audience in the following terms -
"Ladies and gentlemen, / ave the 'onor TO
introduce to you the distinguished lectur-
er Mr. John b. Cough, who will haddress
us on the subject of temperance. You
know that temperance is thought to be a
dry aubject but tonight, as we listen TO
our friend, the horstor from hover the
bocean, we may 'ope to ave the miracle
of Sampson repeated, and to be refreshed
with water from the jawbone of hass?'