The Van Buren press., 1871-11-14
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MISCELLANY.
Wants to Change Il. Name.

In Baltimore short time ago, The
death OF William p Mooaey WAS announ-
ced, and day was fixed for his funeral,
to which his friends were invited 1t
seems that there were iu the city two men
named William p. Mooney, each Of
whom had many acq'tintances. Now,
the friends of the living William got an
idea that he was dead and so upon the
day appointed for the,funsral, they re
paired to the house nahed in the adver.
tlsement, tor the purppse of shedding a
regretful tear or two oser the remains of
their departed friend The existing
Mooney also took ndsion to call around
partly to see his deaa namesake, and
partly that he might ascertain how it
felt to attend funeral at which Will
am z. Mooney oaiciated in the capacity
ofseorpse. He arrived when the services
were nearly ended, and he stood out in
the vestibule, waitihgfor them to con.
clude When all was over. some Of hi.
own misguided friends started for the
street They were anlased and alarmed
to preceive, right in the doorway, the fig
ure of the man whom they supposed to
be dead One Of the party thought it
must be the apparition Of Mooney; so
he poked it with his umbrella to ascer
tain if it was real This hurt Mr. Moon.
ey, and made him SO mad that he struck
the paober of ghosts with his cane
Then another one OF the party said to
him;
"Why, Mooney, what are you doing
out here? A man ought to conduc,
himself better than this at his own funer
all
Whose funeral ?" said Mooney. "Its
meme of mine.
"See here, Meoney," they all said,
" why don't you behave? I? Yon oughtn't
TO carry Oh SO, after All the good things
the minister said about you. ], isn't
right. s'e-'-.-4.rtss-
WHO are you talking about?" ex
claimed William p, Indignantly. "Im
as lively as you are y
Mooney, this is wrong urged the
crowd; "this 10 all wrong. You know
you are dead; you know that yons fami-
ly is roosting around up stairs there, cry
ing and going on like mad. You ought
to have more respect for their feelings
than TO be standing around here fighting,
Now, just 60 back into your coffin, and
let the procession 90 quietly to the ceme-
terry without more fuss.
"Durn the procession % calculated the
nsensed Mooney. I'm no more dead
than you are!"
"Now, it's Of no use arguing the point,
William" said his friends. "The notice
has been published in the papers the un-
dertaker has fixed you up comfortably
in ice; Grape has been tied on your door
knob; the Board Of Trade has passed
resolutions Of respect to yous memory
they have bought nice marble monu.
ment tn hold you down, and everything /;
so you MUST lie dead You can't go back
on the Board Of Trade, Mr.. Mooney
now, can you?"
"It's mistake, "said Mooney; "Its
all mistake Let me explain it to
you"
80, there's no need Of explanation, ]"
said his friends, "thc corpse ism in or
der. The simple fact is that you are a
dead man! Here's the weeping family !;
there's the hearse, the undertaken, the
minister and the mourners, and in the
parlor stands the coffin. Now, you have
got to 90 in and be packed up in that
coffin, whether you want to or not Some
men never know what 10 best for them,
anyhow. We came here to have funer
al, and funeral we are going to have,no
matter il you don't like it. There is no
use Of saying you won't, for you have
got to; so come along!
Thereupon they seized Mooney and
dragged him into the parlor. Those who
witnessed the encounter say it was terrif-
ic. The report spread that the corpse
was loose, and the undertaken and the
pail bearers all joined in the fray, and
the combat thickened, until Mooney
broke from his tormentors and darted
into the kitchen, where the undertaken
knocked him down with dat.iron, and
pinned him to the noor with poker
through his vitals until assistance could
be secured. The truth was developed
then, and Mooney was carried carefully
to the hospital in a push cart. When he
gets well lie intends to search the direc.
tory, and to ascertain if another man
named Mooney lives in Baltimore. II
there 10 such being, William b propos-
es TO ask the Legislature to furnish him
with a Chinese name in eighteen sylla-
bles, and warranted unlike any other in
ihs whole realm Of nature.