davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
COuundrumS.

Can ship with two owners be called partner.
ship.
When does a mau feel girlish? When he makes
his maiden speech.
Why is a kiss like rumor , Because it goer
from mouth TO mouth.
Why do birds in their Hattie nests agree? Bocaus,
they'd fall out il they didn't.
How much cloth is required to make a spirit
wrapper?
''why should We celebrate Wsshington's birth,
day more than mine 2" asked a teacher. "Becau3c
be never told lie" shouted little boy.
What age do young ladies like best Marriage
at least SO they say.
What is the grandest verse in existence? Tn,
universe.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

An undergraduate at Cambridge,
who found among the questions on
his examination paper this: "Wby
will not pin stand upon its point ?'
elaborately explained the point thus
1. A pin will not stand on its
head; much less is it possible that
it should stand, on its point.
2. A point, according to Euclid, is
that which has no parts and no mag
nitude, and therefore, a pin cannot
stand on that which has no parts
and no magnitude, and therefore, q
pin cannot stand on its point.
8. It will if you stick it in.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

Suel Foster, Of Museatine, Iowa,
reports that seventeen years ago To-
Gusts were very abundant in that
vicinity. A few days ago, while
inspecting a field where a man was
blowing, he noticed numerous holes
in the bottom of the furrows-say
at the rate of 10000 the acre-from
from which these insects in their
wingIess state are coming forth. He
thinks that in that section the "cOl-
ony' of locusts extends into Louisa
and Cedar counties in that State,
and into Rock Island County, in
Illinois.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
Whole No. 1888.
On Time.

If tailOrs, boot-makers and trades
men generally, did but know it, the
public hold punctuality in as high
estimation as "perfect fits" As
there is nothing more annoying than
repeated delays after a thing has
been promised, so there is nothing
more satisfactory to the customer
than to be served according to agree
ment. Those tradesmen make a
mistake who habitualIy promise
what they know themselves they
cannot perform. A purchaser after
being disappointed two or three
times, seeks some other establish
ment. It has been truly observed
that men "who are habituaUv be-
hind time are habituaIIy hehfnd
success" They are always losing
customers, never contrive to estab-
lish permanent relations with buy
ers, and make no headway, while
others who are prompt and do as
they agree to do, extend the num-
Der Of their patrons, and acquire
wealth. An inquiry into the rec
ords of all successful business men
will show that punctuality has been
one Of their virtues. No one has or
can succeed without It, however su-
perior their qualifications in other
respects.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

The latest recipe for making ice
cream, which we publish for the ben
eft of our readers without comment
is this: "Pick out the prettiest
girl you can see, stir her gently in
the corner and ask her to give you a
kiss. You will then have a nice
scream"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

James Parton thinks the cOufne-
ment of children in public schools
from nine o'clock until two, and
housekeeping them at dancing and
piano till dark, and then obliging
them to study till nine or ten in the
evening, is simply a wholesale mas
saere of the innocents. Which is
true as the Gospel, and ought to be
preached and we know of no bet
ter Apostle Of such glad tidings to
children than the man who writes
awe must never be content with the
public schools until there is nothing
In them to hinder the formation of
such youths as those which Socrates
loved-noble souls, in bodies beau
tiful, graceful and strong"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

An elderly lady, who was hand
ling a pair of artificial plates in a
dental Office and admiring the way
the dentist described them, asked
him: "Can a body eat with these
things ?" "My dear madam, mas
tieatioQ can be performed with a fe-
licity scarcely equaled by nature
herself" responded the dentist.
eyes, I know, but can a body eat
with them ?'
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

A mother trying to get her little
daughter of three years to sleep one
night, said: Gamma, why don't you
try to go to sleep?" 81 am try"
she replied. "But you havn't shut
your eyes" "Well, can't help it (;
EN- comes uubuttoned."
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
AN ELECTION DIPTY.

on on election nights,
When sad defeats confound me,
Fond memory brings the fights
Of other days around me.
The shouts, the cheers
OF former years,
p. The Offices besp0ken;
The men, the rings,
Tie set-up things,
The platforms smashed and broken.
Thus on electioa nights,
When sad defeats confouad me,
Does memory bring the fights
Of other days around me.
When I remember all
The Butternuts together
I've seen around me fall
Like leaves in wintry weather.
feel like one
Who stuffs alone
Some ballot box neglected
Whose votes are pollsd,
Whose numbers are told,
And all but he elected.
Thus on election nights,
When sad defeats cOnfOund me,
Fond memory brings the fights
OF other days around me.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

While one Of the lady converts at
a recent baptism in NobIesvilIe, Ind,
was being led into the river by the
pastor for immersion, She slipped
and he slipped, and they both sank
into the depths together. They
were fshed cut all right, however,
though it was some time before they
could remember what they went for.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
Select Miscellany.
THE GREAT HBREAFTER.
BT oTWAY CURRY.

BT OTWAY CURRY.
'Tis sweet to think, when struggling
The goal Of life to win,
That just beyond the shores Of time
The better years begin.
When through the nameless ages
I cast my longing eyes,
Before me, like bOundless sea,
The great Hereafter lies.
Along its brimming bosom
Perpetual Summer smiles,
And gathers like a golden orb
Around the emerald isles.
There, in the blue, long distance,
By lulIing breezes famed,
I seem to see the Towering groves
OF old Beulah's land.
And far beyond the islands,
That gem the waves serene,
The image Of the clOudless shore
Of holy heaven is seen.
Unto the great Hereafter
Aforetime dime and dark
freely now and gladly give
OF life the wandering bark.
And In the far of heaven.
When shadowy seas are passed.
By angels hands its quivering sails.
Shall all be furIed at last.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

A newly married man complains
of the high price of "ducks." He
says his wife recently paid for three
of them-a duck of a bonnet, a duck
of a dress, and a duck Of a parasol.
He thinks "such dealings in poultry
will ruin him"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

In WestbOrOugh, Mass, they adj
vertise for a minister who is ''sound
In doctrines though not too free to
peach them, goOd-looking, and free
from awkward motions, and who
does not adOrn himself with a ring,
mOustache or any other unseemIy
thing" At latest accounts they
had not yet been suited.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

The Revolution calls upon all wo-
men to try and vote under the fouF-
teenth amendment. The argument
is this: Let even a handful Of wo-
men in fifty different towns try to
do this thing at any given election,
and the determination evinced to
leave no stone unturned in securing
their political rights would exert
more influence on the minds Of men
than any other means"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
Charade.

Ny first is in suB, but not in moon.
Ny second is in dog, as we'll as in coon.
Ny third is in you, but not in me.
Ny fourth is in water, but not in sea.
My fifth is in and, but not in arm.
My sixth is in barn, but not In farm.
MY seventh is in eat, but not in fat.
My eighth is in bonnet, but not in hat.
Ny ninth Is in dirge, as we'll as in ditty.
Ny whole is the name Of a prospering city.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
Arithm ,t1cnl Problem

Take a certain odd number not exceeding 80, and
SO divide it into four parts, that when the first is
increased by 2; the second diminished by 2 the
third multiplied by 2; and the fourth divided by ?,
the result In each case will be the same.
Required: the number, the four parts and the
common result.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

"The last word is the most dan
gerous of internal machines. Hus-
band and wife should no more strive
to get it than they, would struggle to
get possession of a lighted bomb
shell.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

~ wish you had been Eve" said
an urchin to a stingy old aunt, pro-
verbal for her meanness. WWhy
SOP" Because" said he, you'd ha'
eaten all the apple, instead of divid-
ing it."
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

A Chinese photographer in San
Francisco being upbraided by lady
customer because the picture didn't
suit, briefly replied: ono half hand
some; how can? ?"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

Answer to Geographical Puzzle il the News Of
July G: Florence went to visit her friend Virginia
Each dressed in While, trimmed in Blue, with
hair On going to diuuer, they found the table set
with China, on which was placed Turkey. : lso,
baskets filed With large OTasgss and Raisias with
plenty Of Candy for each, Of which large share was
laid aside for her sister CaroliHs.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

A girl in Chester, Vermont, died
recently from tight lacing, and a To-
cal editor, in view of the sad event,
says: off the girls cannot live with
out being squeezed we suppose men
can be found who. would sacrifice
themselves. As young as we are
we'd rather devote three hours a
day without a cent of pay as a bre-
vet corset than see these girls dying
off in that manner. Office hours al
most any time"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

"This world is but a fleeing
show" said a priest to a culprit on
the galIows. eyes" was the prompt
reply, "but if you have no objection,
I'd like to see the show a little
IOnonrU
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

When you see a man with a great
deal of religion displayed in his shop
window, you may depend upon it
he keeps a very small stock Of it
within.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
respects.

Old TrOtter is an eccentric genius
who drives the first stage out Of Fl.
Kearney, westward, and whose
deeds and sayings viii, in future
time, become historical. The fol-
lowing is related of him One day
he stopped a man on the road, who
drove a miserable team of sick and
aged little mules, with the ejacuIa-
tiOn, 'LOOk,a-here, pilgrim! 7 know
a man that would give eight hun
dred dollars if he could see them
mules :" "Why!" exclaimed the
man, startled by such an unexpect-
ed prospect of luck, "yeou doan't
say so! Who is he?7 "He's a
blind man :" said Trotter; "g'langl"
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

By no means put yourself in an
other PERSONS power; if you put
your thumb between two grinders,
they are very apt to bite.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
Youths Department.

hB-Original Enignas, CharRdes, Problems, ETC.,
are respectfully solicited. The answers must al
ways accompany them, together with the real name
Of the writer.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

This Company is now Offering for sale abOut six
hundred thousand of the finest agricultural
lands in the West. The Company sells only TO &C
tual settlers and the prices exceedingly reason
able, ranging from S. 10 SIS per acre-the average
being about So Tho greater part Of these lands are
situated along the line Of its railroad between the
city Of Des MOines and Council Bluffs, and are in
the most accessible and fertile region in the State
Sales made for cash or credit long eROugh to
enable any industrious man to pay for the land out
Of its crops
These lands are held under title direct from the
General Government, and are not mortgaged or en-
numbered in any way. Full warranty deeds given
to purchasers.
For maps, pamphlets, or any other information
respecting them, address EBENEZER COOK, Land
Commissioner, Dave DpOrt, Iowa.
EXPLORING TICK ETS sold ut the COmpa-
ny's ticket Offices at Chicago, and all other princi-
pal stations on its line and IL the purchaser buys
land the amount paid for the ticket is applied on
the purchase money.
'RNHE VOCAL CLASS BOOK, by d. u. MUNsON
n New and enlarged edition for singing classes
Price 5Oc. 81 so per dozen. Send SOC. for sample
copy to Il D. NJ MUNSON, Music Dealer and Publish
er, Zauerville Ohio
Apple Pearer, Corer aRd Slicer. Price 50.
Does all al once. Warranted Satisfactory.
II WHTTTFnT0RE
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

He who is conscious Of his ignor-
ance, viewing it in the light Of mis-
fortune, is wiser than one who mis-
takes Superficial polish for knoWl-
edge.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

HB-The Enigma recently published, signed "Pap's
Pet, was from different pen than the oOntribu-
tions formerly published in this department over
that signature.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

BB-ws want a fresh supply of Enigmas, &c as
our stock is getting low.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

Happiness grows at our freside,
and is not picked up in the strang-
er's gardens.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

W. VAENAMEE, II. D., successfully treats
- all classes of Chronic and Acute Diseases
Send stamp for circular containing particulars and
testimonials. Address Box 5l2O, New York.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13

Do not choose your friend by his
looks; handsome shoes often pinch
the feet.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
Inch alWays glVes saIlsIHcIlOu AIsOI IHe O5I1IIH
CONTINENTAL COOK,
DISSOLUTION NOTICE.

TuyHE partnership heretofore existing between
John Dill, Jas. n. Anderson, Samuel 7. An
dersou andB " Pugsley, under the firm name Of
Dill, A ndsrson Co. is this day dissolved by mu-
tual consent. Dill. AhDEESOh w.
HilsborO, o., March ], 1871.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
''NOTHBRS' COMFORT 81
Agents ! Read T.
A Million Dollars.

vealing the secret Of the business to no one.
Address J. WEST,
6sS Broadway, New York.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
ARTTFTCTAL LIMRS.

A. A. Ma EhS, 575 broadway, \ 7 City, Inventor
and Q. s. Govt man'fr of FIsRT PREMIUM ARTIFI-
CIAL LIMBS, with RUBBER HANDS AND FEET Send
for Illustrated Pamphlet No Charge.
The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1871-07-13
DR.. }. W. ELLIS,
DIR. A. EVANS.

gurEeO n ID I'll - {,
Once Corner Main and High Stree's. mp stairs, over
Evans Ferris's Bank. ALL WORK WAR-
RANTED.
FebruarY 9. 1871. fab9yle
The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1871-09-16
New York Market.
New YORK, Septembe

we" ~ P'N''Ni
FLOUR-Dull and in buyers favor
at s. GO@j 30 for supertine State;
sc 2O@,6 40 for extra State; 81 45@
6 So Tor choice State; s. 5000 go for
superfine western; Sc 20@6 A for
common to medium extra western;
Sc 5O(G7 % for choice do; 81 00@7 -
for good to choice white wheat extra
sc 3O@G 10 for good shipping brands ex-
ira round hoop Ohio; S. 75@7 80 for
trade brands; market closing quiet
Southern flour dull and dropping at
Sc 35@7 90 for common to fair extra;
81 1909 90 for good to choice do
Rye flour steady at 81 25@5 20.
Corn meal is quiet.
GRAIN-Wheat dull and l@2c lower
at 81 IS for No. 2 spring; 81 81
al IS for winter red western; 81 Sc
al GO for amber Michigan. Rye more
active and firm; western 90c. Barley
and barley malt dull and nominal
Corn, market a shade flrmer at 13c for
western mixed in store; 73!@73ic
for afloat. Oats firmer; sales Of $3.50
bushels at j2@5jc for western and
Ohio
PROVISIONS.-Pork is firm at
Is 60 for mess; $40 00@l0 so
for prime do, and so 50@l0 IS Tor new
prime do. Beef quiet at 81 O0@ll %
ior plain mess and $ll O0@l4 90 for ex-
ira DO. Beef hams dull atSlS 00@2S 90.
Tierce beef is quiet and nominal at
$40 0O@lS 90 for prime mess and So w
@22 on for India mess. Cut meats are
steady at l0@l2!c for hams, and So
nc for shoulders; Lard quiet at 90
9ic for steam and 9tc for kettle rem
dered.
BUTTER-Dull at l0@20c for west
ern; l5@lSc for State.
CHEESE-Firm at S@llic for COM
mon to prime.
COTTON-Opens quiet and firm at
20Ic for low middlings, and 2l@2l!c
for middling uplands.
PETROLEUM. shade firmer at
l3sc for crude, and 24}c for refined.
TALLOW-Quiet at Ss@9ic; stea'
rine nominal at S@9sc.
WHISKY-Dull at 92M925c.
The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1871-09-16
STRANGE RAILROAD ACCIDENT.
An Insane Man Climbs Out or q Car
window and Is Crushed.

Last night an accident of a strange
and dreadful character occurred on the
Allegheny Valley railroad, some dis
lance from this city. The victim is a
young married man named John
Laughton, who for some time past has
been engaged in business in the oil
country. Recently, it is said, he suf'
fered from an attack of illness, and
when he recovered physical health, his
mind was found to be greatly deranged.
His insanity was so great that it was
determined to remove him from his
business surroundings, and take him to
his fathers house, near Fairview, Han
cock county, West Virginia. Accord
ingly, his wife and father started with
him from Oil City for this place, on
their way to West Virginia.
The unfortunate man and his wife
last night occupied section in a sleep
ing car on the road, and the father had
q place in another car. During the
night the wife was awakened, and found
that her husband had opened the car
window and had already climbed par
TALLY out, evidently intending to jump
to tie ground. lie had worked him
self out head first and backward. The
wife caught him by the feet and scream
cd for help. ~rhere were but few people
in the car, and no one seemed to COM
prehend the state OF the case, or to I'M
derstand that the train should be stop
ped, so that, according to the statement
of a passenger, nearly fifteen minutes
elapsed before the cars came to a stand
still. In the meantime the frightened
woman held on to her husband as best
she could. He was very powerful man,
and at times would straig hten himselfup
20 as TO reach the roof OF the car with his
hands, and then he would let 60 and
drop back, head downwards. Atlength
the train passed a bridge abutment or
some other object close beside the track.
The unfortunate man was caught be-
tween the side of the car and this object,
and one of his arms and shoulder were
dreadtully crushed and lacerated. The
train was stopped almost Immediately
afterwards, and with the greatest diff
Guilty the man was drawn into the car.
Even then, we are told, it required three
men to hold the injured man down.
lie was brought to the city this morn
ing, and. conveyed to the house OF a
physician in Allegheny, who is rela.
tive. 1t is thought his injuries are not
fatal, and he will probably he taken on
to-day.-PiusJurgh Chronicle, Tuesday.
The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1871-09-16

stronger than the precept and We are
reaping the benefit by having set Of
drones, Of ounces and shoulder.hitters
ruling Us through quartatt of small
men who are aided by a number Of sor-
did, false Republicans, to corrupt our
best men by means of money. .a.
Nor is it here alone that we have to
look at the disgusting homage paid to
wealth. We find our great soldier, to
whom we are indebted for existence as
a nation, counting the society OF men of
money. The three Oest Federal offices
in this city are occupied by men who
have no possible claim on the Republi-
can party as men who have earned such
honors. They are men of wealth and
DESTROYS of making more. Murphy, the
collector, was a bankrupt in 1860, 80
poor that his sudden fortune amazed
many. He was a contractor for caps
during the war, and made a colossal
fortune. His magnificent residence in
Thirty-ninth street, and handsome cot
tage at Long Branch, are fortune in
themselves. Darling, the naval officer
was contractor, too, and has princely
fortune; the imprudent Cornell, is a
protege Of Conklings, and was copspic-
uous for his insignifcance when other
and better men were in the field uphold
ing the honor OF their country.
1t won't do to tell people Of common
sense that a man who has served the
nation well as an officer in the field is
not better qualified to discharge the
functions of a civil officer than con-
tractor We DO not state that the lat
ter class were all honest men, but we do
state, unhesitatiDgly, that every man
who went into the army, and did his
duty when in it, was an honest man,
and ergo more entitled to such honors
than any civilian.
No Administration since the days of
Washington has paid more deferenceto
the opportunities of money-grabbing
civilians than the present one; no AID.
ministration has sighted the brave
soldiers of the Republic more studiously
and Extensively. They are, as a rule,
earnest and grateful men. They will
remember their treatment when the
time comes, but until it does come, it
would be well for the Republicans. OF
the city and State to bear in mind the
Scriplural admonition, Physician, heal
thysclf."