The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1871-01-17
An Old Richmond Theatre Manager
Amus;nSly E.ampOOned.
From tho New York Tribune, I4th.

Charles Lamb. In one of his essays, plain
tlvely rccites some Of the inconvenience:
attendant upon being hanged. The testi
mony of one whose trembling hand hal
claSpcd the corroborative prayer-book, anC
whose aShen lips had sucked the moisture
of the last consolatory oIange--like him il
whose character the genial eSsayist wrote
ought to be accepted as an explicit assur
ancc that the annoyance occaSioned by The
process is too much for good nature. Tht
sensations and the sequel are too ridiculous
The entire business. therefore, ought to bt
avoided as scdulouSly as possible. And so
while the Count Joanncs continues t
abound, we think people ought carefully
TO abstain from being murdered. There wa
time when one might be comfortably
| slain and laid away among the ashe
of his fathers, without the prospect o
being posthumously paved about by an ell
derry aud inquisitivc nohleman and coun
Sellor ut law. This was the golden age o
homicide; when the brains were out th'
man died, and then the end but now
obedient TO the wizard incantations OF thi
prospero Of jails. this Mellln of the grave
yard. the victim iscon1ured up and slaught
cred anew withsupertluous ceremonies ant
solemniticS of sacrifice. We have had thl
version Of his discovery of the Nathal
| murdcr-a thrilling legend Of great lenetl
and perspicuity; but it turns out that ri
lahorious research ended merely in wind
! and that the unhappy old nobleman hat
been throughout victim OF the "sinfu
games" of some felonious and incarceratet
humorist whom neither his advanced years
! nor his exalted title, nor his venerable wig
ayailed to awe or subdue to decorum. Thes
immurcd cracksmen' and "knucks" ant
eonopHs" banboozled the old gentleman
and sent him upon many q wild-goosc chase
from which he returned perspiring ant
empty, but with unabated capacities of de
| luSun. He really found nothing except
| casual telon with three fingers, and pub
| Usher green enough to print the glbberin:
and squaliing notes OF eXultation which
with goblin .csticulation and wild Witcl
dances and elderly and creaking rigadoons
| he uttered above the hollow deep of hi
empty mares nest. 1t was conjectured tina
when the utter vacancy Of his achievement
became manifest to him he would 60 some
where and expire but those who so sur
missed DO not know the tough and elastic tibr
| OF which the Count is woven. He rise
from his ashes, ThHniy-like, with NOR
! taii-tcathcrS and q louder squawk thai
ever. He tells the world how he discor
cred the Maiden murderer, miscreatet
and uySpeptic postmaster, who shot
Young man in n bank few years ago, ant
carried away such funds as he could la
hands on. The Count was then resden
/ of Boston, where he was engaged in tn
liberal pursuit Of being constantly prose
cuted for the mysterious and indeScribahl
awe-iuspirin@, not to say aristocratlc
crime of being, In the leveling language Q
the law-hookS, "a common barrator." ii
hied TO Maiden straightway, examined tn
fatal premises, interviewed the ylllag
barber and the town bull. called on the hc
rrarcd family, and, in short, above tn
horizon Of the Saddcncd little town,
! Like Il comet burned
That fires The length Of Uphnchus huge
| i tAc arctic sky.
His methods Of Investigation were some
what meaerc they were apparently found
ed upon the theory that if he accused every
! body in Maiden of the crime he would hi
upon the pcrpetrator sooner or later. 1t
! affirmed that he began his useful procedure
! by charging respectable and innocent iron
mongcr with the murder, and there ar
rumorS not confirmed by the testimony G
the Count that his head was Immediately
and succinctlv punched by the imlocen
and respectable iroumonger aforesaid. Gil
. cumstances ultimately drew suspicion upol
! the postmaster OF the town, and the Grim
! was brought home to him, else there can b
, little doubt that the Count would hay
charged it III succession upon the butcher
! the baker, the candlcstick-makcr, the par
son of the parish, and every deacon in tn
diocese.
! 1t is apparent that the Count is waXin
old-that his eyes are getting dim, thoug
his natural impudence is thus far in n
wise abated. He has obviously lost tina
| kecnneSs of scent which used TO distinguish
/, him, and which enabled him to smell vision
ary and suppoSitious rats at an immens
distance. 1t would bcseem his years an
ease his gathering infrmities OF mind an
vision if he would take final leave of tn
; Office ofvolllnteer detective. All that he get
. in reconpense of labors which must cXcce,
/. those Of Hercules, and wandcrings u
various as those of Ulysses, is the evil re
! pute of being the most enormous bore, AM
the most poisonous nuisance, Of his own Q
any other time or period. If he still burn
with the kindlinS and eager curiosity whcI
sometimes warns the SHOWS of aye, let hir
divert it in less ghastly and revolving direc
tons. Let him bend his attention to til
solution Of the query whether molasses wi
explode. This problem, we take it, is jus
about adapted to the Counts immense ir
tcllect, and its solution would be an apprc
pirate ana digniticd conclusion Of his Ion
! and illustrlouS career.