Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-11-28
.Lat2ach for. HaI77aOYlsts.

Lat2ach for HaInaOrjSts.
Said conceited young lady: ''You are a
covet-us-set.
Every man who goes out West returns with
his story of an arrow escape.
Why is tight-rope dancer like an epidemic?
Because she's poisin in the air.
A correspondent of WoodhulPs paper signs
herself, Yours thelemically, pantagrelistical-
ly, pantisocratically.
last night drew from off my sleeve lit
tie golden hair. - Lucky for you your wife did
not find it before you did.
What did that young lady mean when she
said to her lover: You may be too late for the
cars, but you can take buss p
A Newtown man of poor means but lofty
feelings, having expressed wish to be buried
with pomp, his well meaning but misguided
relatives planted him in colored graveyard
"a fox should not be on the jury when
goose is on trial, quotes an exchange In
most trials of importance the foxes are gener-
ally defendants, while the geese are in the jury
box.
Two Ohio Good Templars have been expelled
from their Lodge for squeezing the juice of an
apple into tumbler and drinking it. Other
Good Templars there now, when they eat an
apple-pie, spit out the juice.
An exchange tells that at twenty years of
age Leland Stanford arrived in California with
only one shirt to his back. Since then, by close
attention to business, he has accumulated over
ten millions" What the deuce can man
want with ten million shirts?
A Georgia negro thought he would econo-
mlze by sending his son to school and then
make the boy teach him. The plan worked
well until the young teacher, following the
custom of the seminary in which he was taught,
gave the old man thrashing for spelling dog
d-o-r-g, and then the latter became disguised
and ran away.
Johnny, where is your pa p
'Gone fishing. sir.
He was fishing yesterday, was he not p
"Yes, sir. +"
"What did he catch?' -
Zone catfish, the rheumatism, two eels, the
toothache, and some little ones Ma says he
Will catch fits to-day just wait till he gets
home -
The custom in vogue at Abilene, Kansas.
which compels man who kills another in
playful brawl, to pay the funeral expenses of
his victim, has got to be abolished, or it will be
necessary for one man there named "One cared
Bill, to open an undertaker's store. The last
man he killed promised, however, to be content
with common pine coffin and two wagons at
the funeral before Bill killed him.
An Irishman one morning went out very ear
ly In search OF some game on the estate where |
the game laws were strictly enforced. Turning |
a sharp corner, whom did be meet but the gem
tleman who owned the estate. Paddy, seeing
the game was up, coolly advanced toward the |
gentleman and said: The top of the morning
to your honor; and what brought your honor |
out SO early this morning?" The gentleman
replied by saying Indeed, Pat just stroIled |
out to see if | could find an appetite for nv |
breakfast" and then cycling Pat rather suspi-
ciously, said: And now, Paddy, what brought
you out SO early this morning?" Paddy replied,
"Indade, your honor, [ just stroed out to see
If | could find breakfast for my appetite"
A CITY UNDERTAKER.- is in New Or
leans long, lean, lank fellow, who, though "a
hard 'un to look at, " has perfect mania for
playing practical jokes-and little does it con-
Germ him whether they are of a grave or of
gay character, and he is equally Indifferent up
on the subject OF whether the victim be an |
,....auoo U. al euLlre stranger. This devil
mav-care acquaintance has several pecuIlarltles
Of personnel by which his friends readily re-
cognize him, and they have furnished him with
as many aliases as are possessed by the most
notorious travelling professional that ever had
his mug displayed in rogue's gallery.
One of Joe's latest jokes was played off upon
a stranger, who came into the city by the Jack
son train during the recent fright about yellow
fever.
The cars had empted out their cargo of pas
sengers, and one greenish country looking chap
stood apart from the crowd with carpet-bag in
hand, evidently at loss as to what he should
do with himself He had not stood long before
Joe went for him.
Five feet nine high; two feet eleven across
the breast, eighteen inches through, - said Joe,
looking the new arrival as straight In the face
as his crooked neck would allow, not cracking
a smile, and drawing from his pocket a tape
line with which he was about to verify his esti-
mated measurement
what do you mean, sir 2 eagerly inquired
the stranger.
"Why, it's all right" said Joe, putting the
tape line back in his pocket on measure
five feet nine, by two feet eleven by eighteen.
It'll be ready for you by O'Clock In the morn
ing
what have you to do with my measure
ment, sir? What is to be ready by 9 o clock in
the morning, sir2 What are you driving at,
sir! inquired the countrymau eXcitedy and
angrily.
why, you see" said Joe, sI ~ the city un-
dertaker, and the yellow fever is killing the
strangers OF so rapidly that | have to get their
measures as they come into the citv. If did
not, sir, the dead bodies would accumulate on
my hands,
At this, an unusual pallor came over the fea-
lures OF the countryman; his whole BODY was
IN culver, and turning to the baggage master
he said: Look here, mister Check nv bae.
gage back up the road l goes home by the
neYt train -