Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-03-17
HumOr.


The worst thing in stockings-Cclps.
Private-e ,ring -listening at key-hole.
Bellies cal a great many people to
church.
Out West when notorious lazy man is
caught at work. they say he is 'meddllng
with industry
A man who sat upon paper OF carpet
nails said they reminded him Of the Internal
revenue tax
Good blood will show ITSELF as the old
topper said in reply to remark made on the
redness of his nose.
The saying that there is more pleasure
in giving than receiving applies to kicks.
medicines and advice
Miss Todd, of Chicago, adyertises for a
husband six feet in height Here is fair
chance for young man to get his todd.
Josh Billings insists it is a statististikal
fakt the wicked work harder tew reach hell
than the righteous do tew git to heaven
rs is possible, Miss. you don't know the
names Of some Of your frieAds? ooh, yes,
l don't know what my own name may be in
ayear.'
Steam said DR.. Lardncr, lis the great
annihilator-it annihilates time and space.
YES said another. and multitudes of pas
sengers, to-
A sick man was told that his wife would
PROBABLY marry again.
All right said he, 'for there will be one
man that will lament my death
A boy bawling ir the street was asked
the cause Of his tro able, and replied I
want my mamma; that's what's the matter
I told the darned thing she'd lose me-.
A wag, observing on the door ola house
the names of two physicians, remarked that
it put him in mind Of double barreled gun,
if one missed. the other would be sure tt
kill.
George, asked the teacher of school
class who above all others shall you first
wish to see when you get to heavcD?' With
a face Frightening up with the anticipation,
the little follow she uled, ~tierliahr
A man was once brought up before mag
strate charged wit marrying six wives
The magistrate ask I'd him hon he could be
so hardened victim. 'Please your wor-
ship replied the fellow. I was trying to
get good one
x gentleman travelling on steamer, one
day At dinner, was making away with
large pudding close by. when he was told
by the servant that it was q dessert. 1t
mat ers not to me- said be, L would eat it
if it was a wilderness.
LITERARY FooD Poetry is the flower of
literature; prose the corn, potatoes and
meat; satire is the aquafortis; wit is the
spice and pepper; love-lettefs are the honey
and sugar and letters containing remittances
are tho pluns
An old lady followed up an Episcopal
Bishop as he Travelled through his diocese,
and was confirmed several times before she
was detected She wished the ordinance
repeated because she had understood it was
good for the rheumatism
A country poet, after taking general
view of his life, has come to the following
rhyming conclusion
s'Oh, woudn't live forever,
wouldn't if could;
But needn't fret about it,
For couldntif would
A BALL.-Some one describing a ball
said it was vast assemblage of people who
had never met before and who never cared |
to meet again, and that they talked a little,
danced little, ate little and then went
home cross and tired out, and scandalized
rot little.
A man was arrested at Roche ter, on
complaint of his wife, for not supporting
her. His reply to the charge was, he was
willing to support his wife. but was not will
ling !, support the whole neighborhoood and
do his own cooking and washing and IRON
ing.
Some disconsoate fellow makes nice
distinction of the difference which exists be-
tween bitter and sweet in the foil wing
ttanza:
Tis sweet to court,
But oh! how bitter
To court gal
And then not git her!
An exchange lets fly the following: 'Pul.
vorizsd alum and common salt pat on piece
of cotton and placed in hollow tooth will
shut up its aching SO quick you will want to
hug us for telling you; but you can't unless
YOU have certificate of good moral char
actor, are married woman and over TWEEN
ty-fve.'
A Bavarian officer in France found one
of his men cleaning chicken. Halo =
cried he, fellow, where did you get that
chicken? Don't you Know that stealing has
been forbidden on lin Of death?' "A peas
ant woman gave it 10 me- was the answer
and what did she say?' Well, she didn't
say much, she only cried
A clergyman was once cndeavoring to
get subscription in aid Of some charitable
Institution out of close-fsted parishioner,
who attempted to excuse himself on the
ground that he already owed great deal of
money. But said the minister, you owe
God a larger debt than you do any one
else That is so. paraon; but then he amt
pushing me, like the balance Of my credi-
ters.
A raw Irishman, just over, went into 9
restaurant, and was asked by the waiter
what be would have 'Why, whites to ate
av coorse,' was the reply. A plate of hast
was placed before him. 'Fofs datF de
manded Mickey That's wittles', was th'
answer. Mickey eyed the compound suspi
eiously for some time. and finally exclaim
ed: BE jabers, the man that chewed tina