Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-08-17
HUMOROUS.

Life's greatest enjoyment is made upof
anticipation.
Go to strangers for charity, .acquain-
tances for advice, relatives for nothing.
Because Fort Wayne woman kept her
bedbug poison on the same shelf with
her preserves, she don't have to mend her
Johnny's trowsers any more.
A minister asked tipsy fellow lean
ing up against a fence where he expected
to go to when he died. .,
FEIf.I can't get along any better than 1
do now" he said, 81. shan't go any
where.''
''My DEAR" said husband to his wife,
"I'm going to start a coffee plantation"
How'll you get the land ?' "Oh, there's
no trouble about that; 1 always have
plenty of grounds in my cup"
Whensyou make cider, select nothing
but the soundest turnips, chopping them
int9 sfetk lengths before cradling them.
In boiling your cider use plenty of ice,
and when boiled hang up in the sun to
dry.-rH. Greeley. T.'lt 'N'
Johnny was telling his ma how he was
going tG dress and show off when he got
to be a man. His ma asked {: FtJohnny,
what do you expect to do for a living
when you get to be man ?7 swell, 1
reckon I'll get married and board with
my wife's pa.' ilii " "a
''Whisky is your greatest enemy"
''But," said Mr.. Jones, t'don't the Bible
say, Mr.. Preacher, that we are to love
our enemies ?" " E..E. ~
go, yes Jones, but it don't say we are
to swallow them.'' '''' .'''
"Please accept a lock of my hair"
said an old bachelor to a widow; hand
UT1Or Hfar. Inr UT1-l
Sir, you had better give me the whole
wig" ,y .-r.I ,c,,,.-...rl ~
MADAM, you are very biting indeed,
considering your new teeth"
Small boy ON tip-toee to com mpanions:
''S-h-stop your noise, alliof you" Com
panions: "Halloa, Tommy, what's up
now?" Small boy: 'fWe've got a new
baby-very weak and tired-walked all
the way from heaven last night-musn't
go to kickin' X up row row a around here"
A hack-driver in Chicago who was ar
rested for cruelty to a miserable looking
horse, was asked if he ever fed him.
HEyer feed him? that's good 'nh, ,"Iwas
the reply, Giles got bushel and a half
OF oats at home now, only he amt got
time to cat 'em%T5g "on J@rf ohj
d Said: pempous husband, whose wife
had stolen up behind him and given him
kiss:
" 'tMadame, 1 consider sucha act indie
corousu' -,., ...,-,.-... fl.. .-..f..,..
''Excuse me-" said his wife ;"I didn't
know itwas you.p. 81 nIII = div
In the midst of a heavy shower during
| a prolonged storm, a little miss was OBJ
served aT the window crying bitterly.
"What is the matter?n she was asked.
"I'm 'faid." "There's nothing to, hurt
you; what are you afraid ofP' '"'Faid
OF Moan i aiI ii Her.s - s-ss----
The rising generation sage rapidly"
A mature specimen, eight years old, was
hunting around the police station for
stray father the other night. Y You see" i" he
remarked, with filial exultation, stguv'-
ner's little wild, but he'll grow out of
| itr'
'FNow, my boy" said the committee
man, E'If / had Il mince pie, and should
give two-twelfths of it to John, two
twelfths to Isaac, twO-twelfths to Harry,
and should take half the pie myself, what
would there be left? Speak up loud, SO
that all can hear" "The plate," shout
ed the boy. E- ,t-''i-" '''''.'' ! '''
They have a thrifty man out in the
neighborhood of Terre Haute, He is a
wealthy farmer, who sells all his wheat,
and feeds his large family on stale bread,
| eDSbhClS UllC 1dUO OA
4 three loaves for five cents. -WR
| g. An old topper, who had attended, a sci
entific lecture, where the learned protes-
sor caused several explosions to take
place from the gases produced by water,
said, t'You don't catch me putting water
in my liquor after this. l had no idea
before that water swas-so dangerous,
though l meyer liked to take too much of
l,fasisS gOjpuH eds ~ ilvriHid
| A young and inexperienced oil opera
tor, who commenced to talk oil and put
down wells near Housewife, was, asked
-, by his boss dril1er before commencing
work, ,E.what kind of a well he wanted to
put down." meaning with large casing
or small. 'sWell,'' replied the old vet,
"Iguess. you'd better sock down a hun
. dred barrel well; that's as high as they
run now, amt it % ''s'.
'fMr. Brown, you said the defendant
was honest and intelligent. What makes
you think so? Are you acquainted with
him ?'' -....l I..G .r.y-.
''No, sir; I never seed him.
; "Why then do you come to such a con-
, clusion ?'' --.
! sCause he takes ten papers, and pays
for 'em in advance.3' ts.t F"i,1s
Verdict for defendant. t......
A darkey returning from church was
: asked to give an account of the sermon,
and said: H..-
'"'Well, sab, de sermon was upon. de
loaves and de fishes. De minister said
: dar was seven fousand loaves and five
fousand fishes divided among de twelve
'postles."
"WelL, sir, what miracle is there about
I that2' ..-.s-.-., ....s
l "Why, sab, de ner'cle was dat they
2 didn't bust" ~ -. E
2 We think it must have been an Ameri-
l can doughface who was so much aston
ished to learn that Dumas was quad
!. room that he called upon him to verify
l the fact. . D.
2 ''I am told," began the visitor, t'that
+ you are a quadroon, Mons. Dumas"
/ eyes," was the answer.
tsAnd your father?''
t s'Was a mulatto! The distinguished
S General Dumas, of the army of Italy
l and a mulatto!" roared the author, in
5 tones that left no doubt of the quality OF
/ his lungs.
: "And his mother?" continued the in
: truder, interrOgatiyely. .. ...t