The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-03-10
LADIES who faint in church, like good
resolutions, ought to be carried out.

not De called upon to pay up.
Hypocrites are the very ones to cry
that there's no such word as can't.
A question for naturalists-Ought a
quadruped to be called a Jore.runner?
" by should one never sleep in the
cars. The train runs over the sleepers.
When riding donkey what kind of
fruit do you represent? A pear.
why is intoxication like a wash
bowl"' Ask SamDo. "Kase it am de-
BASIN"
If a woman were to change her sex,
of what religion would she be? A he.
then.
Stages run so slow in some parts of
Vermont, that the chickens roost on the
axles.
The latest version: Eat, drink and
be merry, for to-morrow-you pay the
bill.'
Are cats good to eat, mother?"-
"Of course they are, my son good to
eat mice"
Why are birds melancholy in the
morning? Because their little bills are
all over dew!
Why Is clergyman like locomo-
tive? Because you are to look out for
him when the bell rings.
An illiterate man is derided for that
winch, In man of education, wins ap-
piause-making his mark.
A school girls connundrum is What
State Is round on both ends and high in
the middle! Ohio.
Anna Story was recently married TO
Robert Short. A very pleasant way of |
making Story Short.
Why is the Sheriff like a couuette ?-l
because ne gets new man on string
every once n Ira while.
- An article is going the rounds of the |
papers headed A girl possessed of the |
DEVIL" as if that were something new.
"A man is in general better pleased"
says DIR johnson, when he has good
dinner than when his wife talks Greek"
BRASS, though very good material,
very soon loses its color whether on the
knob of door or on the human face.
FoLLY-To think you can make pork
out Of pig iron, or that you can become
n shoemaker by drinking sherry cob
blers.
An avaricious man, after having kim
died his fire, stuck cork in the end of
the bellows to save little wind that
was left in them.
A NEGRO. after gazing at Chinese,
exclaimed, "If de white folks is as dark
as dat out dere, l wonder what's de
color OBJ de niggers?"
"Do you think that raw oysters are
healthy ?" asked lady of her physi-
clan. YES" he replied, ~ never
knew one to complain of being out of
health in my life."
A BOX containing black bear was
received at an express Office in San
Francisco the other day, with this in.
scription. BLACK Bare. Ell yew don't
want to cit bit, keep yer fingers outen
THE art Of memory is to forget what.
ever is bad, and remember what is
good. Some people, however, illus
trate the faculty by forgetting to pay
their own debts, but remember with
alacrity to gather all that is due them.
NEVER FORGET A FAvoR.-A man
died at 81. Louis recently, and In his
will, after stating that he ''never forgot
favor" left 81, 900 to an individual
who ten years before ran away with
his wife.
AN agent soliciting subscribers for a
book, showed the prospectus to a man
boards and one dollar and twenty-five
cents in Sheep" declined subscribing Las
he might not have boards or sheep on
hand when called upon for payment.
An old topper was recently reduced
IN the papasaifv nf Il ri; n ,.I.o, = o
water, as nothing else could be had.
On tasting 1t, he smacked his lips in a
thoughtful way, and exclaimed, ''Why,
1t isn't so bad after all. l shouldn't
wonder II for weakly women and tender
children this was quite wholesome
drinkv
Shoddy, but rich, young American
ladies-and, for the matter of that,
young American ladies who are rich
and not shoddy-will find it interesting
to know that real Counts and Maruuises
are, so to speak, going a. begging in It.
ally. They can exchange their money,
ifthey desire one of these lofty" alli.
ances, for pauper with pedigree as
long as Methnselah's lifetime.
THEY have sharp lawyers down
East. One Of them, marketing for a
dinner, asks poultry dealer, SIS that
turkey young one?"
eyes, SIR"
'Will you take your oath of it"
"Certaimly / WILL"
Lewyer administers the oath, charges
dollar for the service, and takes his
pay in poultry.
AT a trial in an Alabama town, not
long since, one of the witnesses, an old
lady of some eighty years, was closely
questioned by the opposing counsel rel
alive to the clearness OF her eyesight.
"Can you see?" said he.
Yes" was answered.
How well can you see ?" persisted
the lawyer.
"Well enough" responded the lady,
''to see that you're neither negro, an
Indian nor a nnnllarnan y nha q NJ n..,n.