The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-11-10

They said, while they deplored him;
"They'd loved him-llve and raw
But, roasted, they adored himl"
WHAT do great liars do when they
die? They lie still.
CAN a lover be called suitor when
he don't suit her?
A DRUNKARD upon hearing that the
world was round, said that accounted
for his rolling about 80 much.
AN .incorrigible bore at our elbow
wants to know if Worcester spells
Wooster, why colchester don't
spell Rooster.
DOGS beat dentists. They insert nat,
ural teeth. But it is putting them in
that hurts, rather than the pulling them
out.
A CHICAGO paper says good deal oil
our religion is simple starch. That's
the reason it washes out Of some folks
30 easily.
A SENSITIVE old bachelor says that
pretty girls always affect him just as or
namental confectionery does-they give
him the heartburn.
SOME one says that the lion and lamb
may lie. down together in this world,
but when the lion gets up it will be
hard work to find the lamb.
THE Mobile Register of recent date
contains the following: 1.-THE Honora-
Bile Judge of the Circuit Court was on
one of his customary sprees last Tues
day."
"WHAT substitute can there be for
the endearments of ones sister," ex-
claimed Mary. "The endearments OF
some other fellows sister," replied
John.
A WOMAN at a revival meeting In
Ohio, said she found her jewelry was
dragging her down to perdition, and so
gave 1t to younger sister.
A NEW YORK clergyman recently
spoke of q woman having "the pearl
drops of affection hanging glistening
on her cheeks" He meant to say that
she cried.
A MILWAUKEE, woman, whose hus-
band had been prosecuted to death by a
creditor, married the creditor and per.
secuted him to death in less than six
months. Time sets things even.
A STRONG mind is sometimes more
easily impressed than weak one. For
example you cannot SO easily convince
o fool that you are philosopher, as you
can philosopher that you are fool.
WHEN Radical politician leaves
with a large amount Of government
funds in his pockets, the government
organs announce that his accounts are
''adjusted," and his stealings are called
irregularities"
ALITTLE bit of thing, who had
just got back from party, was asked
by her mamma how she had enjoy her.
eelf. sob, mammal she said, "I'm
40 full of happiness; / couldn't be no
happier, without I was bigger"
AT the dinner of an Irish association
not long since, the following toast was
given "Here's to the President of the
society, Patrick O'Rafferty, and may
he live to eat the chicken that scratches
over his grave"
A BALMY fellow Dragging that he
could carry barrel of pork without
difficulty, was suddenly put to his
trumps when told that he was frequent
ly seen staggering under a load OF less
than 175 of corned meat.
Snow, my boy" said committee
man, "if had mince pie, and should
give two-twelfths of it to John, two
twelfths to Isaac, two-twelfths to Larry
and should take half the pie myself,
what would there be left? Speak up
loud-loud, so the people can hear.'
"The plate" shouted the boy.
THE Columbus (Ohio) State Journal
rays: "a deformed chicken Of common
breed, the deformity resulting from a
broken back, was entered at the Musk
ingum county fair as Hungarian cock
of the 'Slavi Magyar breed Just i'm
ported, and the judges, after inspecting
1t, awarded it the first premium over
one of the finest poultry shows ever
seen In the county,"
SWELL, Sambo, is your master a
good farmer?"
80, yes, very good farmer, he makes
two crops.in one year"
"How is that, Sambo ?"
"Why, he sell all his hay in the fall,
and makes money once; den In de
spring he sells all de hides OBJ de cattle
dat die for de lack OBJ de hay, and makes
money twice."
BEWARE OF TIE CURLs.-People
should be careful in the application OF
acids. A young lady with golden tress-
es tainted the other night, and an
alarmed friend bathed her forehead
with vinegar, and in the most expedi-
tious manner bathed all the golden col
or out of her friends hair. This act of
mistaken kindness spoilt matrimonial
engagement, and impaired such an
acidity to-, her disposition that 1t is
almost impossible to live in the same
house with her.
AT recent spiritual sitting there
was present woman who mourned the
loss of her consort; and, as the mani
festations began to respond, the spirit
of the departed Benedict appeared upon
the scene. or course the widow was
now anxious to engage In conversation
with the absent one, and the following
dialogue ensued:
Widow-"Are you in the spirit
world?"
The Lamented-"I am"
Widow-"How long have you been
there?"