The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-01-10
Il U N oRoUs IT z M S .

wold? When no one will take it.
CB3- A lare man in village is like case
Of itch in district school-it sets every
body in it to scratching.
a." If n hornet lights upon your nose, LET
him sit Il eIe and think, but if he bites YOU
while he's thinking, l say blot out the
hornet
tFS- A religious paper asks "Was Adam
n savage?" Probably he was little savage
when lie learned that Eve had been flirting
with Satan.
GSy" A man who can draw thick syrup
through half-inch auger-holc in January.
and sing "lIon C Sweet Home" while the
molasscs is running, may have clear con-
science, but he amt sudden enough for tho
year 1871.
tBr How many feet long was that big
snake ?" asked Il person of traveller who
had just related story of the encounter
with boa constructor killed by him. Zone
hundred and nincty-two inches" was tbs
reply "snakes have no feet"
C5- A modern poet thus criticises some
church going people:
"Attendyour church." the parson cries;
"To church Il e fair one goes
The old 90 there to close their eyes
The young TO eye their clothes"
tT'- Seeing g y crowd gait cred in
the street. a gentleman, meeting a 10y,
said to him:
an thing going on"
"Ycs sir, was the ready reply. "There's
two things going on you're goin' on, and
l am goin' on"
CFP- During the late war a woman one
day went to grocer's shop, and found
that she was paying double for candles, SO
she asked what was the reason candles wers
so dear The grocer replied
"Oh, it is the war which causes it.
Dear me-" exclaimed the woman,
"havc they got to fighting by candle
light"
~ A funny thing happened at u Pres
byteran church the other day. The new
steam heating apparatus was in use for tbs
first time, and after service one lady meet
ing an elder in the aisle, said "that boiler
amt under our seat, is it?' "No," was
the reply, it is under the pulpit platforms
"Well, if it blows up, we shall have a good
man to 60 ahead ofus." was the reply.
R1Sy- In InclsOnuillp Miss SOma mnntha
ago. the building in which the negro school
in that place was held was burned to ths
ground. OF course large crowd collected
and the usual talk as ohow it had occurred,
etc. One little negro boy, after watching
the fire until the novelty of the thing had
ceased started down the street, sayings
"Golly, Is glad the old things burnedS
didn't have my jog'fIy lesson, nohow u
~ A Massachusetts paper tells Of q
colored woman who had been lately con-
yelted but was SO unfortunate as to fly inte
a passion over the misdoings of one of her
neighbours youngsters. Her mistress re-
marked upon the improperly of such con-
duct in the case of one about to join the
church, and received this frank. responses
~ have 'sperienced 'ligion, an Pse
gwine to jine de church, but Miss B,
I'll scald that niger iust."
t95- young enthusiast was talking to
his intended few evenings since, urging
upon her speedy marriage, and start to
spend the honeymoon in California. 81
tell you," said he, his face glowing with
enthusiasm, "Californa is the paradise OF
this earth. There's no use talking y No
use talking - exclaimed the lady, with q
look of some surprise. "No use talking -
he repeated. "Well, if there's no use talk
ing" said the lady, "what in the name Of
sense, do you want of women there?
don't 60 p
10y A notorious scamp was once brough
before an Onondaga justice OF the peace.s
He was accused Of having come the strap
game" over native. The pOrtly Justice
wishing to decide understandingly, asked
to see sample Of his skill. "The party"
instantly produced leather strap, gave il
scientific whisk across the bench, and re-
marked:
"You see Judge, tho quarter under the
strap?
What ~ interrupted the dignified funs-
tionary; "do you mean to say there is
quarter under theTep"
"Satin ~ was the reply.
"No such thing ~ said the Jnstic0.
"I'u 90 YOU a dollar on it exclaimed