The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-05-09
II U M oRoUs IT E NJ S

Bsy" Cattle are dumb beasts, but by
getting themselves together in large num-
bers they make themselves herd
Bf1s@ What is the difference between
church-organist and the influenza ? One
stops the nose, and the other knows the
stops.
nay" Why was Pharaoh's daughter like
a successful stock-broker in money
panic? Because she got little prophet
from the rushes on the banks.
Ds3y" That woman was a philosopher
who, when she lost her husband, said she
had one great consolation--she knew
where he was o nights.
DsE~ A physician once advised Sidney
Smith to take a walk upon an empty
stomach" Whose stomach ?" asked
the wit
Bss~ The chap who took the thread of
life to sew the rent of house has gone
and invented a patent point for cross
eyed needless
peyn That's what 1 call repetition,"
exclaimed wag the other day. :" Whats
that Tom ?' said his friend. "Why,
look at that sign across the way-J. L.
Weller, jeweller."
Bsay" The inscription on church bell
in Milwaukee reads, "In memory of
Minnie j. Hodges-weight 724 pounds"
1t must take a strong BEDFORD for her
bed.
nay" A young man sitting by his girl,
with whom he was quarrelling, remarked
pctulantly that she was nothing. She
said she wouldn't admit that, but she
would say that she was next to nothing
B1@ Shall help you to alight ?" said
a young gentleman, addressing a boun-
cling country girl, who was preparing to
jump from carriage in front of his office.
Thank you, sir" sweetly replied the
girl, but | don't smoke"
Bag" A" Father" said four-year old
child, | think you amt wise" "Why,
my child ?" because you have brought
that baby here when mother is sick, and
you have to get woman to take care of
it !" "Go rock the cradle, Lucy, and
let us hear no more of your jabber."
D9" A lawyer ordering tailor to pur-
chase cloth, and make for him suit Of
clothes, paid for them when completed,
with a check reading: "Pay to - or
order, twenty-nine dollars, being for pro-
fessional services in a suit, brought for
me by him, and conducted to a successful
clothes ,"
BSS" A Connecticut manufacturer, de-
string to stock his pond with black bass,
wrote to Greeley, to inquire the way to
hatch them. The philosopher replies
:" BY all means set the eggs under South
down hen. But if you want bass for
eating, the best is to set out an orchard of
bass-wood trees, and pluck the fruit as it
natures"
DDH" Wife, | am shortly to leave you
the doctor tells me can live but a few
hours at most. / shall soon be in heav-
en-" "What you soon be in heaven
You! You'll never be any nearer heaven
than you are now, you old brute. =
Dolphus, Dolphus," hoarsely growled
the old man, "Dolphus, bring me my
cane, and let me larrup the trollop once
more before | die"
D6s~ A young lady having asked gen.
tleman the size of his neck, he sent the
following: H'
The size of my neck That's remarkably
strange,
And admits of very significant range
A neck-tie, collar, sore throat, halter,
And others, enough to make man falter.
Let this tender reply anxiety check
The length of your arm will just go round
my neck
payn An impatient Welshman called to
his wife, "Come, come, isn't breakfast
ready? I've had nothing since yesterday
and tomorrow will be the third day.
This is equal to the call of the stirring
housewife who aroused her maid at four
o'clock with, "Come, Mary, get upl
Here, It's Monday morning, tomorrow is
Tuesday, the next days Wednesday, half
the week gone, and nothing done yet"
Dar A fashionable but ignorant lady
wanted camel hair-shawl, but her hus-
band bought her cheap imitation of the
article. On examining it she found the
name Of the manufacturer on one corner
and wanted to know what that was
3" That" said the husband "oh, that is
the name of the camel of whose hair
the shawl is made" The wife takes great
pride in her shawl, and has no doubt Of
ito oenuinonoss