Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-07-28
Eullrt tut 3umurists

Euarf tut 3umurisfs
The best NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS..
An up-train--A short skirt.
The great ocean race-Fishes.
How TO serve dinner-Eat it.
Leading article-A halter. !
y man in the scrite place-an edit. +!
or. szf
Some Feople love, to have fits
Beps.. dts. EEW
4 mill prisiIege-Kissing a factory
girl.
A relative positio,l--standing God
father.
y side issue = An EngIiShman's
whiskcrs. s--t.. tal 30
Sweepstakes are suitable food for
sweeps. r-I-t f.raz-
Things not generally known 20
Poor people!
Maids of honor-Those who do not
jilt suitors.
Call spade. spade. You may
call stockings. hose. i<
4 new name for cat-an unman. 1
ufacturcd fiddle string. TTZ
The four seasons-NIustard, salt,
pepper and vinegar.
What do great liars do when they
die? They lie still.
Why are hogs like trees-because
they roo: for living.
Maxim-Give a child a bat, and
most likely it'll bawT.
Why are clouds like coachmcn?
Because they hold the rains.
The acrobats of every household
The pitcher and tumblcr.
The complaint misers generally die
of, is tightness Of the chest
It is not always he who has the
most nose who knows the most.
Some tailors would make capital
dragons, they charge so.
I
The Cabinet gives one day to a
session and twenty to sea-session.
Some husbands, though anything
but sharp. are awfnlly swrewd.
A Georgia paper offers to publish
original poetry at nine dollars line.
If ever dog did not have his day
there would be no need of dog-days
An Irishman's definition of moth.
ing-a foOtless stocking, without any
leg.
Why is dentist like farmer?-
Because he pulls out stumps and fill
achers.
Why is your chambermaid immOr>
tai? She returns to dust every day
without dying.
Marriage-an alter on which man
lays his pocketbook, and woman her
lOye-lctters.
Oh. Nanny, wilt thou gang wi me ?
as the fellow said when he was trying
to steal a goat.
When is theatrical manager like
an astronOmer?-When he discovers
4 new ''star."
In California, Pacific Mails' is
the name given to quiet and coed
natured husbands.
DOesen't.-It does not follow that
man who bolts his food will have
the lock-jaw.
The servants in bathing establish.
ment of Long Branch arc spoken of
as souse- maids.
We protest against all such Jokes
as this, n Commodore Rodgers ex-
coreated the Coreans.
Might be.-Thc exceeding short
coats worn now days. might be call
ed petty-coats.
Some people say that dark haired
women marry soonest. We differ;
it is the light-headed ones.
The way to command respect and
plenty of room in a crOwd-Carry a
pot of pain: in each hand.
DIR. Cuyler says that -'half of the
New York churches are dying of too
much dignity and too much amen"
General Butler is said to have con-
vcrged both eyes upon the Massachu-
sets squintesscnce of gubernatorial
dignity.
Strcet-sweeper to fashionable lady
with train. ''Ef yen walk crost
here every morning, I'll divide the
phOhIS Win yer.
The key to the mothers heart is
the baby. Keep that well oiled with
praise, and you can unlock all the
pantries in the house.
The report of criminal trial makes
one of the witnesses say: II saw him
round the corner" That must have
been a circaIdr sac.
In very hot weather you may be as
disagreeaGle and disObIiging to your
friends as you please. If coolness
arises so much the better.
Why is pig with his dorsal ape
pcndage curled. like the ghost of
IIan,lofsc q fbarS W. ra4bor fki,,E