St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1871-02-17
TIE CALIFORNIAN.
PHHHH yDrdJs.

WCIllH IlisNNN S''S JIG
Rcam makes statue.
II a woman were 10 change her sex,
of what religion would she be IIc-thcn.
How long can goose stand on one
foot? Try it-thats the way the goose
found out.
What is home without mother ? as
the young girl said when she sent her
mother out to chop wood.
Il came near selling my boots the other
day. said Scuttle to friend. 'llnw :" ,
well, had them halt-solcd.'
A little boy, returning from Sabbath
school, said TO his mother, 'Thi- cate
chism is too hard. Amt there any kit
ty chism ior little boys
A would be school teacher in AIaba-
ma, recently replied 10 4 question 10y one
Of the examiners, "Do you think tile
world is round or fiat = by saying,
"WeH, some people think one way and
some another, and I'll teach round or flat,
Just rs the parents please
A young gentleman, after having paid
his addresses to Il young lady for some
time, popped the question. The lady in
frightened manner, said "Iou scare
me, sir" The gentleman did not wish to
brighten the lady, and consequently re-
manned quiet for some time, when she
exclaimed, "Scarc me AGAIN"
In recent lawsuit in New lamp
shire Il claim was set up which read rs
follows: January 20 1865. To doing
your chores such as DRAWN water,
chopin wood, and fccdin cattle three weeks
while you lay drunk, S2l." The item
was allowed.
A woman Of rather weak mental pow
ors, on hearing that ncighbor had fits,
exclaimed: well, do declare! be-
lieve fits is fashionable. Capt. Jones died
in one, and Miss Graves babies had lots
of 'em and them 'vulsions johnny had
tecthin', -thcm's nothin' but its with
new tangled name And now here's
brakes boy in fit There aint no dis
ease round here half So fashionable HOW
as fits is y
A farmer, who wished to invest the
accumulation of his industry in United
States securities, went to Il brokers Office
to obtain treasury notes. The clerk in
quired: "What denomination will you
have them, sir ," Having never heard
that word used excepting to distinguish
religious sccts, the farmer after Il little
elaboration, replied: "WclI, yea may
give me part in Old School Presbyterian,
to please the old lady, but give the hc.t
ont in Free Will Baptist"
The Hartford Post in detailing the
experiences of Il brass band in that city
Thursday morning, with the thcrmomc-
Ter 10 degrees below zero, says: Gas
they played, the notes frozo in the air
and dropped to the ground, and small
boys followed in the wake of the sleigh
picking them up, and then proceeded 10
neighboring stores where they put the
congealed quavcrS, demi, semi, and demi-
semi, on the stoves, and were delighted
TO hear them hum as they melted"
A Norwich man took drink of wills
key from the family aconitc bottle, the
other night, and in about an hour two
able-bodied laborcrs were stirring up his
alimcntary canal with Il stomach pump.
The pump had a pretty GOOD suction, and
Tor some time 1t was question whether
the seat of his pants was going to give or
the handle break. But he's all right now.
A New Hampshire youth was pcrsua-
ded by an cntCrprising dentist to exchange
n mouihtul of sound teeth for an entire
set OF false ones. The victim says that
he shouldn't have had it did, but he
had the money on hand, and lie knowcI
they'd rot and ache like tarnation, and
he should have to have UNI pulled some
time, and he hated to be obliged to be Il
dreading of it,
They are laughing at DIR. Hart, Prn-
cipal of the New Jersey State Normal
School and author of Manual Of Com
position and Rhetoric" for defining sic
ton, in that work, as ga story made up
of /acts mrc'ted for the purpose"
A clergyman, reading Il chapter OF the
Bible for his congregation, found himself
at the bottom of the page with the words,
"And the Lord gave Noah 4 wife," then
turning over two pages instead Of one, he
continued, ";snd he pitched her within
and without with pitch"
WAkEp HIM Ur.-Rev. J. III. X.
was, several years since, pastor of a
Methodist Episcopal church in Western
New York. During his sermJn, on a
hot summers Sunday morning, brother
Austen, one Of the official members Of the
church, fell fast asleep. Mr. h sudden
ly paused, and called OUT
"Brother Austen, will you please open
the windows there a little Physicians
say ii is re'y mlheahhy to sleep IN q close
,oom." The brother was awakened, and
complied.
In illustrating the fruits of advertising
an exchange says: "a family in Florida
lost their little boy and advertised for
linn in daily paper. That very after
noon an alligator crawled up out of Il
swamp and died on the front-door-stcp.
In his stomach was found n handful of
red hair, come bonc-buttons, pair of
boot-heels, glass alley, pair OF check
pants, and paper collar. The aivcr-
tisemeDt did it,"
An engineer on the Pacific railroad
tells the following story about himself
One night while the train stopped to wood
and water, observed two grcen-looking
countymen, in "humspun," curiously
inspecting the locomotive and occasional
ly giving vent TO expressions of astonish-
ment. Finally one of them looked up at
me and sand, Stranger, are this loco
motive Certainly. Didn't you ever