The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1871-05-04
VOLUME e---No. "a.
All Sorts of Tteths

- An old bachelor compares ifB to shirt
button, because 1t so often hangs by thread.
= Innocence is like an umbrelIaAwhen once
we have lost it We may never hope to get 1t
back again.
ALockport dog got needle fast In bin
| order that the needle might be extracted. The
surgical operation was succeas, but the chioro.
'0.m maHow How 1na much h lid he leaver inquired q
gentleman Of d ttag on learning the death Of u
wealthy citizen. everything responded the
wag; 'he didn't take dollar NTH him.,
"A Pennsylvania COW swallowed leather
nail pohch years ago, and when she WIS lately
killed every nail was found in the pouch. She
didn't lose one. Few cows are go trustworthy.
A Kansas hotel door bears the following
placard: "This hotel is closed on account of
difference between the proprietor and cook,
which was settled with pistols and sent the pro-
prietor to the grave, and the cook to the jail"
There is a great deal of theology in TIE
idea of the little girl who wished she could be
good without obeying her grandmother. Shs
said 1t was easy enough to read books and pray,
but pretty hard to mind grandmother.
= A boy in Detroit has killed sixty-seven of
his neighbours cats to get money to buy his
mother set of false teeth. He has made
quiet neighborhood where once was bowling
wilderness.
A school boy, having very good-naturedly
helped another in difficult lesson, was angrily
questioned by the teacher: "Why did you work
his lesson ?" "To lessen his work" replied the
youngster.
At school at Newcastle the master asked
class of boys the meaning of the word zap
petite" After short pause, one little boy
said, II know, sir, when I'm eatin' Pm 'appy,
and when I'm done I'm tight"
-"1 say, boy, is there anything to shoot
around here 2" inquired sportsman of boy
he met. "Well," replied the boy; "nothihg
just about here, but OUR school master is Just
over the hill there cutting birchrods, You might
walk up and pop him over.
1t is said that during the first year of his
Presidency, Mr. Lincoln, being annoyed otie
day by poor iddlers straining harsh discord
under his window, sent him out dollar with 9
request that he would play elsewhere, as one
scraper st the door was sufficient.
"A Peekskill paper has received the follow.
print my family matters in yur papur for it is
none yur biziness if my wife did have twins
pays for them and you'll get your head punched
you had best tend to yer own biziness. j. T"
AS old Van Shroomps was giving his
Youngest, who was inclined to be lazy, good
cowhiding, the boy cried out, ooh, don't, fad:
der. it makes me smartp "Dat's sheost vat /
wants" said the old man, as he whacked away
with renewed vigor.
"A short time since Mr.. Knott was tried
In an interior county in Georgia for violation
of law. The verdict of the jury was; 1--WE
find the defendant Knott guilty" The judge
was at loss whether to sentence Knott or not
to sentence He took time to consider.
A physician in Vermont was recently
thrown from his carriage, breaking one of his
legs. A lady hearing of the accident; reft1ark=
ed: 'I am glad of it'll Every doctor ought to
meet with such an accident once in while, so
that he can hear an occasional groan from
patient without laughing at it !"
- An eccentric minister in a largo parish
had seventeen couples to marry at once in
grand common service at church. In the course
of the weddings he asked one of the men to
pledge himself to the wrong woman. The man
naturally protested, aud was told aHold yC'af
tongue will marry you all now and hcrej
you can sert yourselves going home,"
Said the distinguished Lord Chsthafi 70
lis son, 'T would have inscribed on the etif'
tains of your bed and the walls Of y0tff chan1-
ber, 'H you do not rise early, you ean make
progress In nothing. If you do not set apafs
your hours of reading, if you SITTER Yourself ef
any one else to break in upon them, your days
will slip through your hands Improbable and
frivolous, and unenjoyed by yourself"
off you do not close that window, waiter,
I shall die from the draught," said a lady at
dinner. "And if you do close it, shall die
from the heat in this hot weatherp exclaimed
a stouter fair lady. Then there was q giggte
among the diners at the dilemma of the waitefi
when literary gentleman present said, NY
good FELLOW, your duty 10 clear close the wins
dow and hill one lady, and. open it again and
kill the gsher"
II Let voting men remember that their chief
happiness in life depends upon their faith IN
women. No worldly wisdom, no misanthropic
philosophy, no generalization can cover or
weaken the fundamental truth. 1t stands like
the record of God himself-for it is nothing
less than this-and should put an everlasting
seal upon lips that are wont to speak slightly
of women.
At juvenile party, a young gentleman
about seven years old kept himself aloof from
the there rest Of the company. The lady of the
house called him: "Come and play and dance,
INV dear Choose one of these pretty girls fef
a wife" "Not likely" cried the young cynic.
"No wife for me Do you think want to be
worried out of my life like poor papIT'
Some music teacher once wrote that "the
art of playing violin requires the incest per:
ception and sensibility of any art in the known
world" Upon which an editor comments in
the following manner: "rhe art of publishing
newspaper and making it pay, and, at the
same time making it please, everybody, beats
6ddling higher than a kite"
"A colored gentleman was tried before
colored Judge, charged with theft; the case was
enhmitted to the iurv under the following
charge !: aGemmen of Jury-Dis prisner you
are tTyin' is charged with the crime of stealin.'
Stealin' is the takin and carryin' away of de
goods of another He must not only take 'emi
But he must tote 'em off, Dis prisner took the
goods, but before he got out of de store de
Owner made him left EN- dar. IfdestorekeePer If
wanted to make de pi sner thief he should
wait until de prisner lad left de store and toted
OF do nnods Ynn must find da nrisner not