Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1871-06-16
Gnttth fur 9uutnrisfs


The artists adieu to his picture
You be hanged?
A Grand Lodge, Mich. editor
writes four-line puf for a pair Of
cotton socks.
N"Letter gor' as the boy said when
he Iamp-posted his letter at the street
corner.
Elmira rats don't knew much
They steal shoe pegs and stow them
away for oats.
The reason why editors have their
manners spoiled, is because they re-
cciyc so many evil communications.
A youth of Washington carries
lot of live snakes in his p 'cketS ana
isn't bit afraid of pickpockets Ell
.hcr.
A young man with a moustache
connot obtain a position as school
teacher in Ionia County. The large
girls are too susceptible.
IF YOU would be pungent. be brief:
for it is with words as with sunbeams
the more they are condensed the
deeper they burn.
A lad in Cincinnati went through
planing-mill recently. His rough |
edges were so thoroughly smoothed |
shat his recovery is doubtful.
A train of cars in Colorado was
struck by lightning recently. After
the accident the train was run by
nou-conductor.
A couple at Danbury, CT, having
carefully considered the question for
twenty FIVE yeas, have recently de-
cided to get married.
A Wisconsin postmaster has written
to Washington for ''som eternal rev.
emu stamps" saying he has ''sevrel
coils for them
Some one SAYS the best way to train
up a child in the way he should 60 is
for the person to travel that way oc-
cdsionally himself.
A Western editor, who doesn't
know much about farming any way,
suggests that for garden-making a
cast-iron back. with hinge in it,
would be an improvement on the spi-
nal column now in use.
The latest invention in advertising
is that of a Hartford, patent-medicine
man, who has sheared his dog, and
painted on the animal the name Of
his universal cure.
Il say, friend. your horse is lit
tie contrary, is he notT' ''No. sir"
''What makes him stop. then % ''Oh,
he's afraid somebody'!l say Whoa
and he shan't hear it."
An attorney observed to brother
in court that he thought whiskers
very unprofessiOnal. You are right"
replied his friend "a lawyer cannot
be too barefaced."
An Iowa school-teacher has been
dismissed for kissing the big girls
The girls say the school board had no
right to interfere with their studies
in that way.
''Pa. is Pennsylvania the father of
all the other statesY' Certainly
not. my child; why do you ask the
question: because l see all the
newspapers call it Pa
DIR. Livingstone has not gone to
Lijijijijiji, as was reported The la
test news from him states that he was
at Txyxyxyxy He was in a destitute
condition, having no changes to note.
and no notes to change.
''This world is all a fleeing show"
said priest to a culDrit on the gal
lows. Yes" was the prompt reply.
''but if you have no objection, I'd
like to see the show little longer"
A Pennsylvania man has Just received
by express $3.50 from an anonymous
Pittsburger, who simply says that by
right it belongs to him. The Penn
sylvanian is willing to accept more
and ask no explanation.
A young fellow, the son of an emf
nent dancing master, applying to a
friend as to what trade or profession
it would be best for him to pursue,
was answered: Il think you cannot
do better than follow the steps of your
father"
A Cockney tourist met with
Scotch Lassie going barefooted to-
ward Glasgow. "Lassie,' said he,
II should like to know if all the peo-
pie in this part 60 barefooted p
Part of EN- do. and the rest of them
mind their own business" was the
rather settling reply.
A Kansas hotel door bears the fol-
lowing placard: 1.-The hotel is closed |
on account of a difference between
the proprietor and the cook, which
was settled with pistols, and sent the
proprietor to the grave and the cook
to the Jail"
MY DEAR said Mrs. Bundle to
her daughter, 'you must have some
thing around you in the carriage
Miss B. mentioned the request of her
mother to her beau. and he immedi-
ately complied with it,
A Snowman in Maine wanted to ex-
hibit an Egyptian mummy, and at
tended at the court house to obtain
permission. "What is it YOU want to
show p inquired the Judge. "An
Egyptian mummy more than three
thousand years DID, said the Show
man. Three thousand years oldr'
the Judge, jumping to his
feet, land is the critter alive?'