The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1871-11-25
HUMOROUS.

l
JOhnny-.sAw butt you'd a different
| teacher to wot we've got"
He who receives good turn should
never forget it; he who does one
| shotild never remember It.
Jos, Billings says that opera music
| don't have any more effect OH HIN
than castor oil wotild Oh a grave inn
age.
An off hand fellow. One who has
| lost both his arms.
How to turn peoples heads. Go
late to church.
A Frenchman cannot pronounce
! ssship.'' The word is sheep i'll his
mouth. Seeing an Ion-clad, he said
to boy, .'Ish dis a war sheep?'
Mo- answered the boy, :, It's .
ram.,s
A Colorado store-keeper solaces his
customers with FyNeKUT2bakO.
A prominent Journalist in New
York, who is perfectly bald, has Of
tered reward of 81 900 for tale that
will make his hair stand on end.
A country girl rode into New XII
bany, Indiana, to do some shopping,
when the clerk asked ii there was any
thing else he could do for her; he was
amazed by her reply: ''Oh. 40, sir,
| unless you will be kind enough to 20
out and milk the old mare, for i rode
her from home without her colt.',,
William, who used to boast that he
never owed u dollar in his life, and
never would, in less than year after
his marriage had a little Bill to take
up every day.
An old lady, getting off the cars at
Hartford, the other day, attracted the
attention of Il policeman, who offered
his aid, when the old lady peppered
him in the ribs with her umbrella, and
sharply so!iioauized: s.Ciear out, YOU
bigamist, you shan't touch me-" She
had read the papers.
An enthusiastic editor speaking of
a new prtmd doana. says: Her
voice is as soft as roll of velvet. and
as tender as a pair of slop-shop panta-
loOnS.''
A young lady at an evening party
some time ago found it hard to use the
expression, Jordan is q hard road to
travel,'' but thinking that too vulgar,
| substituted the following: .sPeram-
| bulating progression in pedestrian ex-
| cursions along the f;lr-flmed thorough
| fare of fortune cast UP by the banks Of
| the sparkling river of Palestine is in
| deed attended with heterogeneous
conglomeration of unforeseen difficult
| ties.
And now comes this good thing
from the coloretl brethren
A telling blow at the follies of the
day was delt the other day at Atlanta,
Ga, by a colored preacher, as follows:
: My brodders and sisters, ebrything
| you tink bouts fine close. fine close.
You nebber tink of noting else but
fine close, and you may sarch de
scripture from Genesis to Rebelation
and you won't find nary place where
it say the Master eber wore choke
rag
The Cincinnati Eseguire7's Deutscli
poet is shocked at the nude small boy
on the Davidson Fountain
q Der Shmall Poy stands on der FoHn-
tain,
Und he don'd got on any close,
Und dem young girls dey all plush
and say,
g Vat he means by such conduct as
dose -
The most humiliating domestic nse
a full-grown man can be put to, is to
be sent to the bakers for "a cents
worth of yeast
A young lady at Lndianola, not very
long since, killed skunk with Il
butchers knife. Her lover come to
see her that night, and told her he
could not marry her unless she quit
using that hair oil.
An Irishnan writing from Philadel-
phia the other day to his friend in the
old country, concluded his letter thus:
8 IF liver it's me forchune to live till [
dy-and God nose whether it is so or
no-I'I visit ould Ireland before +
leave Phiiadelmephy.'
How is it that, at a party, the
guests grow thin after supper.
Somebody wishes to know if pig
pen is used to write hog Latin.
/ A man in Illinois committed suicide
by drowning, lately, in six inches of
water. He couldn't have done it
alone, but his wife, with that self
sacrificing devotion and helpfulness so
Characteristic of the sex, sat on his
head.
6 To obtain sweet milk,'' said the
veteran farmer Greeley, laying down
his pen and gazing placitlly into tina
face of his inquirer, 10 obtain sweet
milk, feed your cows twice day ON
sugar-cane, and be sure to keep the,
calves away from the mother while
teething.''
9 That's good gun of yours,
: stranger; but Uncle Dave here has one
that beats it, ..Ah! How tar will
; it kill hawk'with No. shot ?'' (. I
don't use shot or ball, either,S an
swered Uncle Dave for himself.
ssThen what do you use, Uncle Davey''
: 6 I shoot salt altogether. kill my
Il game so far off with my gun, that
without salt, the game would spile
before Icould get it. =
Queen Victoria Is said to have for
, tune of $50, ,O00, 600.