The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-08-08
The Two Moneys.

neral, to which his friends were invited.
1t seems that there were in the city two
William p Moneys, each of whom had
many acquaintance, Now the friends of
the living William got an idea that he
was dead and so upon the day appointed
for the funeral, they repaired to the
house named in the advertisement, for
the purpose of shedding regretful tear
or two over the remains of their departed
friend. The existing Mooney also took a
notion to call around, partly to see his
namesake and partly that he might ascer-
tain how it felt to attend a funeral at
which William p. Mooney oficiated IN
the capacity of corpse. He arrived when
the services were nearly ended, and he
stood out in the vestibule, waiting for
them to conclude. When all was over,
some of his own misguided friends start
cd for the street They were amazed
and alarmed to perceive right in the door
way the figure Of the man whom they
supposed to be dead One of the party
thought it must be the apparition OF
Mooney; so he pokcd it with his umbrel-
Ia to ascertain if it was real. This hurt
Mr.. Mooney, and made him so mad that
he struck the prober of ghosts with his
cane. Then another of the party said
to him:
Why, Mooney, what are you doing
out here? A man ought to conduct him
self better than this at his own funeral"
"Whose funeral?" said Mooney. Its
none of mine !"
See here, Mooney" they all said,
why don't you behave You ought
not to carry on so, after all the good
things the minister said about you. 1t
isn't right ~
Who are you talking about? 7" ex-
claimed William p, Indignantly. Pm
as lively as you are"
Mooney, this is wrongw urged the
crowd; "this is all wrong. You know
you are dead you know that your fam
lily is roosting around up stairs there,
crying and going on like mad. You
ought to have more respect for their feel
ings than to be standing around here
fighting. Now just go and get back into
your coffin, and let the procession go qui-
city to the cemetery without any more
fuss" ..,..
"Durn the procession" calculated the
incensed Mooney. Pm no more dead
than you are"
"Now, it's of no use arguing the
point, William," said his friends The
notice has been published in the papers
the undertaken has fixed you up COM
fortably in ice Grape has been tied on
your door-knob, the Board of Trade has
passed resolutions of respect to your mem
ory they have bought a, nice marble
monument to hold you down, and every
thing SO you must be dead. You can't
60 back on the Board of Trade, Mr..
Mooney now, can your
,.t It's mistake" said Mooney it's all
a mistake. Let me explain it to YOU
.e" Oh, there's no need of explanation"
said the friends; 'the corpseis not in order
The simple fact is that you are dead
man. Here's the weeping family there
is the hearse, the undertaken, the minis
ter, and the mourners, and in the parlor
stands the coffin. Now, you have got to
60 in and be packed up in that coffin,
whether you want to or not Some men
never know what is best for them, any
how. We came here to have funeral,
and funeral we are going to have, no
matter if you don't like it. There is no
use Of saying you won't, for you have got
to; SO come alongP iH ''2' ~"
Thereupon they seized Mooney and
dragged him into the parlor. Those
who witnessed the encounter say it was
terrific. The report spread that the
corpse was loose, and the undertaken and
the pail bearers all joined in the fray,
and the combat thickened, until Mooney
broke from his tOrmentors and darted into
the kitchen, where the undertaken knock
ed him down with fiat iron and pinned
him to the floor with poker through his
clothes, until assistance could be secured.
The truth was developed then, and Noon
ey was carried carefully to the hospital in
a push cart. When he gets we'll he in
tends to search the directory, and toasccr-
tain if another man named Mooney lives
in Baltimore. IF there is such being,
William p. proposes to ask the Legisla-
ture to furnish him with a Chinese name
in eighteen syllables, and warranted un-
like any other in the whole realm of Ma
ture. h'H '''"h ...i t''' ''lh'.i 'i'aI
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