The Van Buren press., 1871-06-20
Sut Lovengood's SHIRT.


cabin on the mountains. and pays for sicli
- gifts when have the money; and for
sich a. gits when hav'nt any, why he
takes one third ont Of me cussin, and she,
that's his wife Bets, takes out the 'tother
two.thirds with her battlin stick, and the
interests more than the principsl-a h, sp
more. She is the cusseaest woman | ever
seed anyhow, fer jaw and pride. She can
scold Q blister into bulls face right on
ths curl in two minatcs--and pattern after
ever fashion she hears tell Of, from bussels
TO britchss. Oh she's one o. en-. and
sometimes two or three.
Well. you see got some cation truck
to make q shirt outen, and ooaxed Bets to
make it, and about the time il was done
here comes lawyer Jonson along and axcd
for breakfast. l wish it had pisened him,
durn his hide, and wunder it didn't, foi
she cooks awful mixens when she tres.
I'm pizen proof mysef or Id bin ded long
ago.
Well, while We were eatin' sho spied on.
that his shirt was stiff an mighty slick so
she never rested till she worried it out of
him that a preperasion Of flour did it, ana
she got few particulars about the proceed
ings outen him. and set in and billed big
pot Of paste-nigh onto peck of it-and
ssused in my shirt and let it soak awhile
then she took it and ironei it out fiat and
dry. and sot it up agin the cabin in the sun.
Thar it stood as stiff as dried hoss hide.
snd it ratified like sheet-i iron-it did. 1t
was pasted together all over. When /
coms to dinner nothing would do but
must put it on. Well Bets and me got the
thing open after sum hard work. she
pullin' at one end Of the tail and me at the
'tsther. and got into it. Durn that new
tangled shirt, | say. l felt like / had
crawled into bee gum and it full Of ants
but it was like lawyer Jensen and stood
it like a man, and wen. to work to build
Bets an ash hopper. / worked powerful
hard, and swetsd like hoss, an when the
shirt got wet it quit hurtin'.
After got done took about four fin
gers of red eye and crawlsd up in the cabin
to take snoozo Well, when walked up
thought l was dead or had the cholera,
for all the jints | could move war my
ANGLES, wrists and knoes-could not move
my head or scarceley wink my eye-the
cussed shirt was pasted fast onto me all
over, from the ends of the tail to the pints
Of the broad ak collar over my ears. 1t sot
o. close to me as the hide on poor COW in
March. strained and squirmed till / sor
ter got il broke at the shoulders ana ell
bows, and then dun the durndest ioolshes
thing ever dun in the mountains. / shuf-
fed my bretclaes of and tore loose from my
hide about two nches Of the tail all around
in much pain and tribulation. Oh but it
did hurt. Then ! tuck up plank inter the
lof. and hung my legs down through the
hole and nailed the edge Of tho front tail to
the floor in font OF me. and the hind tail
! nailed to the plank so, on. then nnbu,.
toned the collar and wristbands, raised nv
eyes, said grace aud then jumped TO TIE
ground floor
Here Sut remarked sadly: Geo. I'm
a dsrnder fool than ever dad was, hoss.
hornet nests and all. I'll d,swn myssi
one OF those days, see ii don't "
Well. go on Sut, did the shirt come off
IL t-h-i-n-k td-i.d ] heasd noise
scrter like tearing 6 shiugl ioos off Nv
house all at wonst, and fe. laas my bones
were all that reached tue floor | staggered
10 my feet and took lock at my shirt.
The nails had hilt their hold. and thar it
was banging arms down, inside out, stiff
as ever. Just like tho army oi Mexico af
ter one Of the first battles--a patch Of hide
just about the size OF dollar bill. bunch
of har lust about tho siZo Of bird thar
then some more hsr; then skin, and then
SO on oil over tho burned new tangled.
everlasting, internal cussed shirt. /. was
picter to look at--and so was /. The
hide. hsr. and paste was about equally di-
vided between me and it. Wonder what
Bets. darn her, thought when she came
home and found me missin'. 'Spec,s she
thinks / crawled into thicket and died
Of my wounds. 1t must have scared her
good. for it looked like the skin Of wild
beast torn off alive. Darn lawyer Jonson
and his slick shirt.