Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1871-01-05
MIs-JELLANEoUs ITEMS

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a, A woman's pride and sailors guide
THE needle.
They keep "Knew Syder fur-Sailn at
Texas grocery.
Why ,s the sun Ike loaf? Because
It's light when it rises.
The only persons who really enjoy bad
health is the doctors.
What ails your eyes, Joe ?n "I told a
man he lied. wss the reply.
Two heads are better than one. as the
gentleman said to the celery.
Why must line drawn by n pen al
ways be on slope? Becsuse it's aIwav.
an ink-line incline.)
Why is box of sardiues like Joan OF
I Maid of Orieans.)
a Chinese thief having:stolen a mis-.
slonary's watch broughtit back the next
day to be shown how 70 wind it up.
/ When do appearances lead you to sup
pose uSak4 man rupetharisk Of being
burned TO death? wnen he smokes.
Why is it important for physician to
keep his temper? Because, If he did NOT.
ne would be apt to lose his patients.
There are dozen or more men In New
YORK who make good living by writing
advertisements for business men.
A quail was lately killed near Grass
Valley, California, which had two per.
iect nearts attehed together by liga.
ment.
The man who mar led thre, sisters in
susccession excuses himself for doing SO
on the ground that he got off with only
one mother-in-law.
II can't find bread for nv fam;Iy.n
said lazy fellow. "Nor l." replied an
industrious miller, "I'm obliged to work
for it,"
"Sambo, why am dat niger down de
hole OBJ de boat like chicken in de egy?
II glib um up." Cause he couldn't get
out if it wan for the hatch"
as smolasses good for a cough ?u in.
quired youth with heavy cold. at
ought to be. 1t Is sold for consumption,
was the reply.
A min ister once prayed 30 Lord, we
thank Thee for the goodly number here
tonight, and that Thou also art here;
notwithstanding the inclemeney of the
weather."
For over thirty years an lid gentleman
at st. Albans, Vermont, has made q
practice of getting out o. bed every
night, at II, IL, 2, and o'c 'ock TO enjoy
a comfortable SMOKE"
A person being asked what was
meant by the realities of life,D replied
Real estate, real money, and q real
good dinner, none of which can be real
lied without real hard work"
PunchineIlo gives this dialogue: As
piring Author-Ah, you have read my
essay? I hope the verdict is favorable.
Edltor-o, yes. all right, acquitted on
The ground of ins anity.
An uncle left in his will eleven silver
spoons to his nephew, adding, IF have
not left him the dozen, he knows the
The fact was, the nephew
had some time before stolen it from his
'elative.
A horse thief named Tully was par
ioned from the Vermont prison a few
weeks ago, and ten days after his Hbc--
Ition stola horse from the f1rst man
Who signed the petition fer his pardon,
md rode him forth, strange countries
or to see.
The following advertisement speaks
or itself, il does; Lost or strade from
he scriber sheps all over white-ons
eg blak and haf the body-all persous
hall reseave five dollar to bring him, he
J a shee gote."
Jenkins undertook to quote poetry in
raise of woman but got his authors
lightly mixed, as follows:
70 woman in our hours of ease
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please;
But seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure. then pity, then embrace.
At recent examination of one of the
chools in Washington, the question
Tas put to class of small boys: "Why
the Connecticut River SO called ?'
'hen bright little fellow put up his
and. "Do you know, James? "Yes
la'sm, because it connects Vermont
nd New Hampshire and cuts through
Delicate consideration Seele: A
lady and child diniIg alta
nall table |; dignified waiter surveying
le room. "Aunty dear, want to wills
sr; you see those fat gray Jumps in my
ock turtle soup? Well, do you think
e waiter would be offended if were
leave them?"
One of the young members of the
-ench Legation, hard pushed for COM
iment to affair lady whose face was
aired by au undeniably fiat nose. re-
arked: MADAM, you are an angel fall
fir ,n heaven; but you fell on your
sen
aroline Jordan was burned to death on
Inday evening at Mt. Vernon, o., while
tempting to fill a lighted lamp with
rosene.