Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1871-09-30
HUMORS OF TIRE DAY.

Gravity Is no more evidence Of wis
dom than a paper collar is Of u shirt.
A COED gauge by which to measure
n mans character is his Language.
The man who becomes a liquor cellar
gees n long way toward a basement.
A ChicRgoan who has been visiting the
Northwestern territories brought home
n scalp-his own.
liza mar gets up when the day breaks
Ran he be said to have the whole day
before himf
When you "give it to a man. you
need not expect that he will take it
without some exhibition Of temper.
A Minnesota juror addressed a note
b the Judge, In which he styled him an
"Onorable ing"
What was the proVerO that King Lear
heard from his two daughters go
father, and fare Worse.n
A Napoleon, Ark editor, a y
Where our office was two weeks ago,
nov RUM the Mississippi. Out of res
poet to the Father Of Waters, veleft,"
A poor IrishmSn offered an old sauce
pan for sale. His children gathered
round him and inquired why he parted
with it. "Och, me honeys," answered
he, al would be after parting wild it, but
but for a little money to buy something
to put 1t it,"
a gentleman, on getting a soda, was
retiring from the store without the usu-
al little ceremony which follows that
operation. 'Recollect, sir" said the
polite proprietor, "if you lost your
pocket book, you didn't pull 1t out
here.
Here is n case Illustrating the muta-
tions OF fortune to which the people are
liable in this country: Eleven years
Ngo Francis Williams peddlcd books
around Dubuque with a hani-cart.
lie is nov able to ride In a buggy
which his uncle gave him.
An eminent lawyer the other day
spoke of ministers vacations as "cleri-
cal lOating," and from what he had
seen Mt the Springs and sea shore was
the opinion that what they gain In
physical they lose In spiritual strength.
A gentleman in Connecticut. who Is
something of sportsman, went to sleep
In church on one of the late warm Sun
days, and dreamed he was hunting rab-
bits. During an eloquent passage in
the sermon he espicd in his dream q
rabbit, and startled the congregation by
shouting "there he goes
Henry Ward Beecher was lately ar
rested for stealing in Kansas City,
Charles Lamb was fined for cruelty to a
% on Long Island, the other day, and
Christine Nilsson has married Michael
Murphy of Chicago. Nothing, not
even ones name, can be exclusive.
An Illinois farmer has told his rat
story. lie was going out to his corn
crib the Other morning, he says, when
he saw a large rat, with head erect, car
ryinG a full sized ear of corn in his |
mouth, while at the same time his tail
wrapped around another large ear,
which he was dragging behind him.
"Do you publish matrimonial notices
for the subscribers OF your paper? said |
n g%cntlcmanly looking youth, stepping
into our office the other morning.
Certainly, sir. swell. then, I'll 90 and
pet married; for don't see any other
way of getting my name in your paper.
'Ace you have rejected all my p0etlcal
illusions"
Accommodating crcditor-"IIow Of
ten must | climb three pairs of stairs
before get the amount of this little
account" Debtor DO you think |
nm going to rent q place on the first
floor to accommodate my creditors?"
Washington Irving once said of a
pOmpOus American diplomatist, "Ah,
he is q great man, and In his own esti-
mation a very great man, a man of
great weight. When he goes to the
west the east tips up
In a contribution to the last number
OF Harper, John G. SAKE says: "As the
pun Is one of the oldest forms of wit, so
also, In spite Of its enemies, it seems
with whatever vicissitudes, to
live az long as language itself,n This is
very true. Puns are very old indeed.
Some OF the very best of Saxe's are at
least forty years older than he is HIM
sclk.-LoaisrtHe journal.
The last device of the inventive Yam
kee mind is an ephemeral instrument
pleonastically called the 'sugar-whistle
that whistles" and purchasable for the
incOnsiderable sum of one cent. Con-
.lcctiOners who sell this kind of whistle
aver that 1t develops in children q taste
Tor music, the tone produced from it be-
naturally sweet.
"Bob, why the dickens don't you 20
o work, and not be such a yagabond?"
What, work before breakfa :" "Wcll.
work after breakfast, then :" "Phaw.
Is only a little while before dinner"
Work, then between your breakfast
md dinner, and between dinner and
upper" mo, | read in a doctors
book that it Is not healthy to work be-
,ween meals"
The Ohio river is so low that no
a run between Wheeling
md Parkersburg. The Wheeling In
elligencer says that, consequently, ga
ocular line ofskiffs has been establish
d to transport mail matter. The first
.kif was despatched Thursday, and we
presume got through, although there is
aid to be scarcely water enough at Cap
ina Rifle to keep down the dust. An
'ther boat of the line took its departure ,
yesterday morning. An effort is being
made to fcrape out a channel at Capti- ]
n, but the work does not progress rap ]
lly." {
Two Michigan brothers, farmers. t
and generally harmonious,
a little falling out the other day'
md one of them threatened to DO some 3
injury to the other. To guard against ;
fatal result, the threatened one }
n,ought best to apply to n district off,
ial tor protection. Accordingly the
wo rode into town together, nut
fp their team, drank each others
and then together visited a Jus, {
Ice OF the Peace. That official listened c
Q the complaint, issued a warrant for '
hreats, the accused pleaded guilty, c
nd the accuser became surity In the r
um OF 300 for his good behavior one a