davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Weekly Washington telegraph., 1871-11-29

josh Billings says: 1--WE read that
,Esaw sold bis birthrte for soup, and
menny wonder at his extravigance;
but Esaw discovered arly what many
man has discovered since, that it is
hard work to live on pedigree"
An Irishman noticing a lady pass
dUwn' the street, espiei two strings
depending from under the mantle.
Not knowing that these were STYLED
sashes, and were hanging in their righ
place, he exclaimed: "An faith
ma'hm, yer gallusses are loose"
The Weekly Washington telegraph., 1871-11-29

HHN nn-debtednesS--A motel Dill.
A pair of tights--Two. drunkards.
-. A light business-The coal oil trade.
Missionary fruit--Tho apple Of the
eye anna rrra wFar-
Autumn nleaves-When winter comes
in. ts'faf Pot TffI
a A stamp you can't buy-Tho stamp
ola gentleman,
What is the worst seat man can sit
onf Self,concet. SOD
So The surest way to lose your health
is to keep drinking other peoples.
Why is Grant like heather? Be-
D. cause he bows down to stocks and
stones. q .sa
What is the difference between a
O coat and baby? The one l wear,
the other / was.
s Railways are aristocrstic. They
teach every man to know bis own sta"
tion, and to stop there.
o.. A Wisconsin Judge has granted him
self divorce on the principle that
"charity begins at home"
"Mama," said little boy, who had
been sent to dry towel before the fire,
..is it done when it is brown p
49,. A farmer gathers what he sows,
while seamstress sews what she gath
ers.
Christmas telegram from John Bull,
Esq, to the American President
Grant, U. S. Peace.
n An item in lawyers bill to his
client ran thus: To lying awake at
night thinking over your case, forty
five dollars.
rsn What did that young lady mean
when she said TO her lover; "You may
be too late for the cars, but you can
takea buss.
Never mind the obituary, judge"
said culprit when the court became
pathetic in pronouucing sentence, ''lets
fix the time For the funeral"
"What substitute can there be for
the endearments of ones sister," Ex>
claimed Mary. "The endearments of
some, other fellows sister," replied
John.
A-victim to Greeley's handwriting
says: "If Horace had written that in
scripdon on the wall in Babylon, Bel
= zhazar would have been a good deal
Al L
The Weekly Washington telegraph., 1871-11-29
WIT, HUMOR AND, SENTIMENT

Court plaster-Kisses. . q
Inn-debtedness--A hotel bill.
A pair of tights--Two. drunkards.
A light business-The coal oil trade.
Visionary fruit--The apple of the
The Weekly Washington telegraph., 1871-11-29
more pious than be was.

'":Ma, wbyidon't you speak p asked
little Jake. "Why don't you say
sushin'o funnyP 'What can / say?
a Say sushin' funny, indeed !" 'Wal,
yer might say, Jake won't yer hev a
cake? That 'ud be funny for YOU"
The Weekly Washington telegraph., 1871-11-29

cu,es the rorst pains in from one to tuoenty
Minutes. A
The Weekly Washington telegraph., 1871-11-29
Fever and Ague.

Fever and Ague cured for fifty cents
There is not a remedial agent in this world
that will cure Fever and Ague, and all other
Malarious. Bilious. Scarlet, Typhoid. Yellow
and other Fevers (aided by Rad,oay's Pills }
so quick as Rdd,oay's Ready RetiJ. Fifty
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

vet greater waste and more aggravating an
noyance in traversing the average three miles
that separate their work from their homes.
In what should be the very focus OF
the labor saving health-saving, and time
saving appliances Of our highest civilization,
we are helpless before tho simplest engineer
ing difficulties, and reduced to primitive means
of transit that make the New York City workman
to-day actually worse off, in spite of our boasted
progress in tho arts of life, than his grand
parents were, q hundred years ago or his
remOter ancestors under the paternal rule OF
Peter Stuyvesant. New-York cannot afford
this, and will not endure it. In some way or
another she must have rapid transit for her
residents from shop or Office to home, and that
right speedily.
An occasional correspondent appeals to US
to "sh0w up" the cOrruptiOns lurking in the
Arcade project. To what end We have no
hope of gathering grapes from the Albany
thistles. From the day that strict partisan
vote denied to Mr.. Twombly the seat to which
every Democrat in the Legislature knew he
was as fairly and legally elected as any one of
themselves, for the sole purpose of securing a
partisan majority, We knew that the
needs must be desperate that could
prompt such desperate work. 1t is no
news that the Tammany leaders want i'm
mense sums of money for the next Presiden-
tial election, and expect to make them out of
legislative jobs 1t is no news that every bill
in any way affecting real estate in this city or
Westchester County brings toll to the mill
of Tweed and Sweeny. What thenf
Shall we strive to prevent them from
giving us tho rapid transit we
must have, because they may, in doing it, Sc
cure the corrupt gains we know they are
going to make anyhowf Possibly it is true,
as one or two correspondents charge, that the
purpose is to make tho City build the road
while the corporators pocket the profits !;
undoubtedly the Ring will make enor-
mously in real estate operations along
the line of the road; beyond question it is
most unfortunate that we should be forced to
trust men like these with the disbursement of
great sums of money, and the issue of dam
gerOus quantities of bonds, while we
can get no satisfactory statement of
our present alarmingy mysterious city
finances. But beggars must not be
choOsers ;-and zoe rant and must hare the road.
Whatever corruptions We may be able to dis
cover in its construction we shal endeavor
faithfully to expose; but we shall not try to
prevent o great public improvement impera-
lively demanded by the highest public con-
sideratiOns, because of suspected corruptions,
which, even if discovered, we should be help
less, before this Legislature, to correct or
avert.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31
RAPID TRANSIT JOBS.

We are suffering from an embarrassment or
legislative riches. We asked for bill under
which We could certainly get rapid steam
transit from the City Hall to the Harlem
River; and the Legislature showers upon us
O Pneumatic Tunnel bill, and an Arcade bill,
while the Greenwich-st Elevated Road an
nounces that it is again on the verge OF sue
cess, and asks for little moro time wherein
to prove it.
Hereupon confused clamor arises. The
Governor and the public press are beset in
turn by the advocates Of each measure and
the opponents Of all. We are entreated to
oppose the Pneumatic bill because it will
destroy Broadway; to oppose the Arcade bill,
because it is one enormous and reeking mass
of corruption; to demand the demolition of
the Elevated Road because it is at once a
nuisance and hopeless failure.
We propose to do none of these things. We
are not clear about the superiority of the
Pneumatic plan, but its Broadway opponents
have played dog-in -the-manger to three
quarters of million of daily delayed, aggra-
waited, and seriously injured people too long
to meet with much support now. We have
little doubt that there are jobs, and jobs
within jobs, in the Arcade project; but we have
vet to learn how any needed legislation
is to be got from this Legislature that shall
be without them. We have not been hopeful
of the Elevated project; but there are points
in its favor, and if the men who have put
their money in 1t are willing to spend more
in the hope of making it success, it Is not
40 much in the way but that we can well
afford to let it stand long enough to give
them the amplest opportunity for experiment
and Improvement.
The one great, central fact about this whole
business is that New-York desperately wants,
must have and will have. rapid transit
throughout the length of the island. Our
present condition Ia one OF barbarlsm' The
working representatives of half to three
quarters of O million Of our popula-
ton daily food in one choked, angry
tide every avenue of access to the
lower end Of the island, and after waste of
from half an hour to an hour and half TO
each individual in the morning, suffer at night
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31
AMNESTY.

Congress we trust, will not adjourn without
providing for the stringent repression OF those
crimes of cowardly violence and bloodshed
which have made the term Ku-Klux detested.
And we heartily wish q section Of the act
would accord sweeping Amnesty for all acts
done in aid of the late Rebellion which did
not violate the laws of war.
We have not doubt that General Am
nesty would go far to disarm and dissolve the
murderous bands which disgrace portions of
the South. The exclusion from Office Of the
more prominent Southrons is more than sen-
timental grievance. Gen. Sickles found it an
embarrassment to his efforts to administer
justice in South Carolina five years ago.
Then, as now, the prescribed were the
most considerate the most capable, the least
envenomed, of those whose hopes and for
tunes had been staked on the success OF tho
Rebellion. 1t was difficult to select proper
magistrates when they were excluded from
the list. They could do without Office much
better than Office could do without them.
Amid general and dense ignorance they were
exceptionally and generally qualified for JUS
tices and magistrates.
Many at the South imagine the Republicans
in Congress imbued with hate and wrath
whereof the ex-Rebels are the target.
They will be told that Ku-Klux suppression
is mere pretext for inflicting new humilia-
tions, new penalties, on the stricken, prostrate
South. If, now, the very bill which aims at
Ku-Klux repression should embody General
Amnesty for all offenses involved in the late
Rebellion, its spirit could not be misunder-
stood. The act would cay plainly, "Let the
"past be forgotten; but henceforth there
must be peace and obedience to law" Tho
Amnesty would interpret and enforce the re-
preston. The South-which eminently needs
peace and order-would hail tho Amnesty and
heed the repression. Each would do its part
in their common work of healing the wounds
and restoring the peace of the South.
We shall not easily forego the hope that
Congress will present the olive-branch with
the sword. Each is needful: together, they
must prove Irresistible.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31
COOL.

II is the humor of certain persons inhab-
iting that part of our country lately cOnvulsed
by rebellion and civil war to hate those Of
their fellow -citzens who were not and are not
rebels. So far, their bearing and conduct are
entirely outside of the pale of judicial cogniz-
ance. They may evince bad taste, and even
bad manners In refusing to exchange civilities
and social amenities with their loyal, Union
loving cOuntrymen, but for this there is no
legal remedy There is nothing in the Fedc-
raj Constitution, nor even in "the resolutions
"of '9S," which forbids sulkiness or smothered
wrath. But when these uncomfortable fellows
take to riding about at midnight in hideOus
disguises, calling or hauling quiet people ont of
their beds and lashing or shooting them, burn
ing schOol-hOuses, and running off U. s.
tax officers and mayors as unbearable
nuisances, why then, you see, the case
is bravely altered. And, since it is known
that rebellious, disloyal spirit is the
cardinal impulse to these crimes - that
LOYAL people are thus abused because of their
LOYALTY it seems the simplest dictate of self
preservation that the Federal Government
should ty to repress these outrages and pro-
tect those whose efforts and sacrifices preserved
its existence. Even though effort shall prove
fruitess, it will still be consoling to know that
effort was made
The Evening Post thinks differently. Before
the bill to repress Ku-KluK outrages has fairly
taken shape-while it is still undergoing dis
cussion and susceptible of great modification
The Post denOunces it as necessarily at war
with the Constitution, and warns the Republi-
cans that they pass it at their peril! No mat
ter how it may ultimately be shaped, The Post
will oppose it 80 long as II embodies an attempt
by the Union to protect its loyal citizens from
Rebel outrage and murder because of their
loyalty.
But what will loyal men do, in case the
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31
TERMS OF THE TRIBUNE.
Gesu!Uotk Daily gtiba1ate
FRIDAY. MARCH 81. 1871.

The roads from Paris to Versailles peketed by Com
munist troops, and firing reported on Wednesday
night The Versailles Government has resolved to attack
Paris The Germans 10 reenter Paris and the French
allowed to increase their garrison. The Commune in
Marscilles is D failure.-The Queen OF Sweden Is
dead.==-Dr De schlozer has been appointed German
Minister at Washington
In the Senate yesterday, Mr. Anthonys resolution to
allow the consideration Of any bill concerning the South
passed by the House Of Representatives was adopted.
60. In the House, several members spoke on the Ku.
KluX bin
The State Legislature adopted the majority report on
the Erie Classification act. The Charleston Is. CO
Chamber OF Commerce repudinte the State loan. -
The Pennsylvania Legislative Committee on Coal viii
report next week. - Gov. Hoffman gave hearing
on the Beach Pneumatic Railway. == The fire ct
Truokee, Cal, has destroyed the whole city.
The eoored citizens celebrated the proclamation OF the
XVIII Amendment by parade and speeches at Cooper
Institute. c. Thomas Brown and Frank W1sen,
sailors auarreed while drunk, and Brown was stabbed
20 the heart by his companion. =- Evidence for the
prosecution was adduced In the Buckhout murder trial at
White Plains Gold, 1lOi, I1Os, 11Oi Thermometer,
as, 49o, G5o.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

Let us do Mr.. Tweed the justice to say that
he has himself proposed to limit the amount
of public money to be annually paid to him
under the bill lately adopted for transferring
the water of his private ponds through pipes
of his own make into reservoirs of his own
construction, ETC., etc. This manifestation of
public spirit and economy on Mr.. Tweeds
part shall not go unrecorded. He has intro
duced a bill for that purpose in the Senate at
Albany, and the limitation is fixed at $5,0OO,-
900 year! AS Mr.. Tweed declared when the
first bill passed that the annual expense to
the city would not reach $1,OO000O, there are
those wicked enough to suggest that the lin
itation is show Of virtue where no virtue
exists
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

When we can agree with young Mr. Adams Of Mas
sachusetts it gives us genuine joy to do so. de
said in the Lower House of the Legislature, in q
debate on the Prohibitory law, that he had heard
rather too many threats "that If they did not vote
50 and so the State would be thrown into the hands
Of that bugbear the Democratic party. 1t seemed
to him that party should be prepared to maintain
policy on some ground more dignfed, more proper,
and moro statesmanlike." Precisely So If o Re
publican law-maker really believes that Prohlb-
itory would be pro bono ubico it is his duty to
support such statute, without any nervous appre-
hension (which is generally moro nervous than any
thing else) of its effect party success He may
reasonably act with his party in political matters
but there are great many social questions which
have no political bearing, and in deciding these
every member has a right to ACT for himself So
much for the morality Of the subject The discus
sion however, appears to us quite unnecessary The
Republicans of Massachusetts, have held the State
through about every phase of legislation intended
to prevent or to facilitate the sale of alcohol Mr..
j. Q. A., jr at least knows very well that the pub
lie wrath at Prohibition had MT sufficient power to
make him Governor; nor are we at all fearful that
it Will ever be fierce enough to lead the Bay State
into such self-stultifcatiOn.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

their receptions and weddings to the so-called
society papers, who, having obtained wealth,
are engaged in deadly struggle for rec0g-
milton, tho young ladies who give balls in their
own names, and the lads who call themselves
society men, have but vague and confused ideas
of the social eIigencies that make the life Of
great city n very different matter from the
unconventional existence of a rural village
1t is not from such authorities that the new
code of minor ethics is to come. The better
sort have already learned the lesson that comes
by instinct to such as possess true refinement.
The rest must be brayed for while in the
mortar of experience. They must marry q
few more barber counts, lose q few more
spoons at the hands Of elegant guests. suffer a
few more horrors of shame and scandal in the
bosoms of their own families, before they con-
clude that the older civilizations knew some-
thing Of human nature also, and that the
asphaltum of capitals is not proper arena for
the display Of pastoral simplicity and conf
dence.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31
REGULAR REPORT OF PROCEEDINGS.

SENATE. WASHINGTON, March 80. ISL
Mr.. DAVIS Dem., Ky) offered resolution
calling upon the Secretaries Of the Treasury, War; snd
Navy TO report to the Senate at the next session OF Con
gress, schedule OF property by classes, with Its est"
mated value Which has been seized taken posssssh
OF since January li by the order, authority or IN the
of their departments respectively; what di os
ton made of said property, the portions s.d' ~"
became OF the money therelIom; how much went in'e
the Treasury and how much TO individuals with ths
names and amount TO each. and what portion OF '.'a
property &c was delivered to and retained oy ind,t
duals, with their names Laid oser Till to-murrow.
THE SUPPLEMENTARY BOUNTY BILL
The motion entered some time since by MI dORhIbb
one hundred dollar bounty bii 10 carry out deci ~
the supreme Court WAS adopted Mr.. Morrill, exp al.d
that Mr. Wilson had been In Supposins toe ni
would he limited TO 1000 5000 men. bu as lt d
passed would apply TO $1,000 soldiers The seuatos
IRON Massachusetts r WILSON, bad pre pared an anne n
ment which would strictly confirm the measure 10 o"i')
ing out the decision OF the supreme Court 49,, 49,.
Mr. WILSON (Rep Mass) then moved tnodlh. suvn
bill give the bounty 10 those WHO hd seen W
abed by sickness disability contracted In tne serso
This would reach onehah the cases unuer thc "
osion Of the Court tie remainder would nave W "
provided for hereafter. a.. q. .x.,,,,.
Mr. CAssERLY (Dem, CALI desired time 10 ehauilne
the matter upon his request the subeet went over
till tomorrow.
The consideration OF Mr. Anthony anendrht 10 ,ny &
order Of business " allow therOnsideIation OF any p
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

When Westchester County for the first time
elected Republican Board of Supervisors last
year, their adyersaries were consoled with the
assurance that this was an accident that could
not be repeated. Yet they have done it again,
and more decisively than last year. They
have carried most of the larger townships
Yonkers, Ossning, Cortlandt, Rye, &c. The
Democratic minority in the Board represent
Harrison, Mamaroneck, Pelham, Scarsdale, &c,
which are limited alike in area and in popu-
lation. On the Hudson, from Spuytenduyvil to
the Highlands, not town but Greenburgh
has chosen Democrat This victory has
been won by selecting as candidates such men
as Ethan Flagg, who is again chosen Super
visor from Yonkers by 300 majority. With an
ordinary candidate, that town would have
been lost. Shall not the lesson be needed
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

The letter of Mr.. Grant which we publish
this morning gives a little new light upon
the Stoms controversy, which has ragged with
such acerbity in Cincinnati. No one can read
it without feeling of intense disgust for
those rural sycophants who practice upon the
aged and simple-minded father of the Presi-
dent all the coarse and vulgar arts Of the
tinselled courtiers of palace ante-roOms. A
man who seeks and obtains Office through
purely personal pressure has no right what
ever to complain when he loses it in the same
way. In this case the parties who began with
successful sycOphancy ended with abOrtive
blackmailing, and are equally unattractive in
their flattery and their wrath. The scandal
will not be without its compensations if it
shall teach Mr.. Grant that he has no vocation
for government and shall warn Western
office-seekers that their tenure Of place when
gained will be moro permanent if they ap-
proach the White House by the front door.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

midnight calls OF the Ku-Klux are not agree
able Shall tho Union, for which many Of
them have periled their lives, and which they
are hated and assailed for upholding, stand
coolly by and see them exterminated
Hear The Evening Post on this point. It
asks and answers as follOws
"what. then, is to become Of the persecuted loyal
istsP II they are uncomfortable rhes they are, hey
mSa remOre TO pieasanter iocalfHes."
Just so Col. Crane was " uncomfortable"
in Vicksburg: 80 Yerger removed him from
this troublous world. Mayor Sturgis was I" un-
comfortable in Vicksburg, and the Ku-Klux
hunted him out Of that lively city at mid
night. Col. Higgins insisted on collecting the
Federal taxes at Monroe, Miss: so the Ku-
Klux made him uncomfortable" and drove
him North. They did MT particularly dislike
him. they detested his business and any one
who should presume to follow it. They gave
fair notice that whoever should attempt to
collect Federal taxes in that locality
would be made uncomfortable" so there
would be nothing for him to do but
clear out. Only let few thousand "carpet-
"baggersn be thus served, and the South could
drink its whisky and mastcate its tobacco un-
cursed by Federal exactiOns Then the mig
"igersn would soon be taught to know their
place, mind their manners, and keep away
from the balot-boxes, and all would be serene
We do not hero discuss the details OF the
required legislation. No doubt care will be
taken to respect every constitutional guaranty.
But if the Union has q Government and 10y
atty is no crime, then some stringent anti
Ku-Klux act is an imperative necessity.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

The Charleston Chamber of Commerce has
resolved that South Carolina State taxes are
heavy, and that its bonds are worthless; and
refuse to pay the one or redeem the other.
This is the sort of unofficial reputation which
will render the bonds worthless, if they are not
so already, without relieving the complainants
of the burden of their taxes. If our Chamber
of Commerce could only shake off Mr.. Tweed
and bis taxes in this pleasant way, what q
debt of gratitude New-York would owe it.
But here we go on, stupidity perhaps, but
honestly nevertheless, paying our heavy taxes,
and never dreaming of the Charleston way out
of the difficulty by reputation.
New-York tribune., 1871-03-31

We urged yesterday that the proposition before
the Legislature to repeal the law of 18th April 1862,
regulating public amusements, and previous laws
of that character was substantially bill for the
promotion Of vice. paragraph accidentally trans
posed TO the editorial page from it's proper place
in the Dramatic column at the same time repre-
sened in the interest Of certain reputable Theatri
cal Managers, their not unnatural feeling against
being singled out in one part of this legislation
against the repeal of all of which by wholesale we
protested as the persons to sustain the Reformatory
for Youthful Delinquents, by reason of the theory
that their exhibitions tended to fill it, Mr..
Mayor Hall now causes letter to be addressed to
u.s. arguing that the proposed legislation only affects
this discrimination against Managers because of the
alleged harmful results Of their entertainments
and does not open the door again for the swarms Of
low concert-saloOns and dance-hOuses witt
which we were formerly afflicted. The bill diC
aim at the repeal of the essential provisions of bOtf
the act Of 1862 and that of 1882 If the plan of re
pealing all these regulating statutes has now beer
abandoned, we can only congratulate ourselves OF
having spoken in time.