Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1871-04-21
EEHzInOr.

Relative beauty-a pretty cousin.
When is o lawyer strongest? When be is
fee-blest.
10 rob a man of his money Is to wound
him in the chest.
The good die young, especially during
the season Of green fruit.
A housekeeper says there is no venison
In the markets, but plenty of dear meat.
A young mans affections are not always
wrong, but they are generally miss placed.
Whatever Midas touched turned into gold.
In these days, touch man with gold and
he'll turn into anything.
Il an engaged couple were to speak to
clergyman, what celebrated Roman would
they probably mention? Mar;us (marry
us.)
An exchange, describing funeral says:
The procession was very fine, and nearly
two miles in length; as was also the prayer
of DR.. Perry, the Chaplain
Wife, I don't see how they send letters
on them ERE wires without tearin' 'em all
to bits They don't send the paper,' said
the wife. they just send the wiring in a
fluid state
Somebody advertiscs for agents to sell a
werk entitled 'Hymenial Instructor A
sotemporary adds: The best hymenial in
structor we know of is young widow
What she don't know there is no use ip
learning
A Michigan bridegroom failed to appear
at the appointed time, but sent a note, say
ing that he didn't feel well enough acouain-
ted with her to marry. Her father went
and gave him formal Introduction with
his boot, and the performance went right
on.
Here, Alfred, is an apple; divide it po-
litely with your little sister, How shall
divide it politely, mammal BY giving
the larger part of it to your sister, my chid.'
Alfred then handed the apple to his little
sister saying: Here, sis, you divide it your
self
A Scottish nobleman one day visited
lawyer at his Office. in which at the time
there was a blazing fire, which led him to
exclaim: 'Mr. -, your Office is as hot as
an oven SO it should be, my lord,' re-
piled the lawyer; as it is here [ make my
bread
DO you think, DOCTOR asked an anxious
mother, 'thap it would improve little john
ny's health to take him to the springs and
let him try the water? I haven't doubt Of
it, madam What springs would you rec
ommend, doctor? ANY springs, madam,
where you find plenty of SOAP
SINGING INK.-A fastidious English la
dy, on her travels through America, stop.
ping temporarily OF the log cabin Of liter
airy trapper in Oregon, and seeing the es-
says Of Carlyle and Macauly on the table,
asked the frontiersman what he thought of |
those authors sOh,' said be, 'them fellers
is some punkins. They ken sling ink, they
ken now, tell you!'
An indebted customer enters provision
store remarklng, 'Pll take leg of mutton,
and want to pay for it. All right re- !
piled the dealer, handing him the meat,
which the customer takes and starts to 90.
Look here,' cries the dealer, 4 thought YOU
wanted to pay for it.. so d. was the re.
ply; but I can't The dealer looked a
little sheepish. +
Two strangers passing out of Lawrence,
Kansas, on the Galveston road, were struck
with the beauty Of the town. Whose place
is thatY said one Of them. That is the lordly
residence os Major g. A. Reynolds. Cost
thirty THOUSAND dollars What is his bust
nessY Indian agent What is his salary.
and how long has he held the office? Two
gears at 81, 500 year Lord, what did
the honest fellow do with the rest of his
sslary?'
Some years ago. in one of our Western
courts, three men-an Englishman, An Irish
man and Scotcbman-were found guilty /
Of murder and sentenced to be hung. The |
Judge told them they could each choose the
tree on which they would like to be strung
up The scotehman promptly chose an
ash tree. and the Euglishman an oak tree.
We'll. Pat, what will you be hung on?' ask.
ed the Judge III it please your homer, I'd
rather be hung on gooseberry BUSH sOh!'
said the Judge, that's not big enough Be
CORY, thin replied Pat, Frightening up,
'pll wait till it grows
How BRANDY CURED THE Cow.-A GER.
tain Hampshire couuty farmer, noisy tenn
perance man, by the way, Who is irst.s
proud of his hne imported stock, recently
fancied that one of his best mixers was
smitten with cattle disease, and sent IN great
fright for the village farrier, neer-do.well
sort Of fellow, whom he had ofteu lecturel
for bis TIPPING propensities Dick came,
examined the animal, looked grave, and
asked, have you any whisky OR brandy
handy? No. said the farmer. Pat, run
to the druggist as soon as possible, and
tell him want quart of brandy for med
ical purposes When the liquor arrived.
Dick took the bottle, uncorked it, smelt Of
it, and, taking good drink, put the bottle
4 in his pocket, saying, Your COW will be all
I right presently; | have pulled thorn out
of her foot and walked off