The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-11-07
II U NJ oRous ITEMS

don't come
DI3- A Jew, on seeing prodigiously
fine ham, remarked: "T Thou almost per-
suadest me to be a Christian
Dg~ The slang expression chunky
dory" is Scotch and is synonyme of the
Latin "non compos." He is unco dour
in the uptak" is the full expression, and
means halEwitted. .J di
BD- Some one giving advice to girls
says: No woman is fit to be married
until she has been mother, and no one
is fit to be a mother until she has been
grandmother. .,
Ras~ The strong minded man who re-
fused to join the church because it was
woman's institution, has since united
himself with the State prison as having
more male members.
BSg- I" once" said a friend, saw
regiment of darkies on parade, and when
they came to the right dress, with the
whites of their eyes all turned it looked
just like chdM mani.
Bay~ At a colored meeting, a worthy
brother whose piety exceeded his learning
rather astonished his hearers by quoting,
during an exortation, from " de pistle
OBJ St. Paul to de the Canadians"
Ba- An indignant St Joseph, Mo,
husband, whose wife sued for divorce,
writes protest to Judge Adams, in which
he says, g this thing called divorce has
in my opinion parted many man and
his wife,"
BY- On the departure of Bishop
Selwyn for his diocese in New Zealand,
Sydney Smith took leave of him as follows;
"Good-by my dear Selwyn; 1 hope you
will not disagree with the man who eats
you"
Ba- A gallant, whose pleasures were
becoming too expensive, announced to
his chere annie, one evening, that there
after he could only make her present
every other time. "Then, my love-"
said she, " come only every other time"
b1- What is the matter with you,
Uncle Toby; what makes you walk SO
lame ?"
"Well, l jined temperance 'siety
bout month ago, and have drank moth
ing but water since, and | 'spect it's got
into my jints and kinder rusted EN-"
na- 81 wish / was a little French
girl, said ten-year old"
Why?" asked her ma.
g Because then | should know two Ian
guages"
How so 7"
"Why, you know can speak English
now, and French would make two"
BG- One day little girl, about five
years of age, heard a preacher praying
most Justify, till the roof rang with the
strength of his supplications. Turning
to her mother and beckoning the mater
nal ear to speaking distance, she whisper
ed, Mother, don't you think if he was
nearer to God, he wouldn't have to talk
so loud.
B6s- The Cincinnati Enquirer's Deutch
poet is shocked at the nude small boy on
the Davidson fountain, and thus express
es his feelings
"Der small boy stands on der fountain,
And he don't got on any close,
Und dem young girls day all blush and
"Vat he means by such conduct as
dose?" 4r
Day Quite recently coroner's jury in
; Connecticut were celebrating over the
body of man whose prediction for
strong drink had brought him to quies-
cent state, and they had just concluded
to bring in q verdict of "delirium tre-
5 MEMS" when the supposed defunct rose
:. to semi-recumbent posture and playfully
exclaimed, " Here's one of your jury as
votes " No."
Des-,.' If ever you think of marrying a
widow, my son" said an anxious parent
to his heir, select one whose first hus-
band was hung; that's the only way to
prevent her throwing his memory in your
face, and making annoying comparisons" /"
" Even that won't prevent it." exclaimed
a crusty old bachelor; "she'll then praise
him and say hanging acds too good for
you"
p9- Well, Harry, do you love me?'
n said an ugly and not very agreeable friend
: Of the family to the pet four-year-old.
I II know, but l cant tell" was the
answer. W 5ls55
4 " But why not p .,-i.Irs
Because | should be whipped if l
did was the frank reply of the observing
child, who had been taught by past ex-
8 periencc that ii was not always safe to
> tell the truth about his mammals visitors.
y nay In one of the first law cases Gen