Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-08-17
Humorous Readings.
4 notice of a peal-Lightning.
A wooden-man-An alderman.

- Dotlce OF q pedi-l8Suiuahg.
A wooden-man-An alderman.
A fat lie-Lying on your back.
Vegetable philosophy-Sage advice.
The queerest thing in papers-Curls.
Light employment-Building castles in
he air. a4
The grandest verse in existence-Ths
universe.
When is a lawyer strongest?-When he
IS feeblest. .-.s
Every drop in the sea of life imsgines
tfelf an ocean. ...t .....
How TO make time 60 ast-Use ths
spur of the moment. .a
A joint affair with but single part to
it-kheumatism. .. .r...
Those who have their millions have
ight to put on airs. .. -...
When a man is antern-jawed can he be
called lght-headed?
When is a card player ike lawyer9
When he follows suit. .-...g
Why is the sun like good loaf2 Be-
cause It's light when it rises.
1t is often necessary to have a bit of ed
ucation in using taught rein.
Modern knights of the Golden Fleece
The New York Tammanytes.
. The most suitable window for siugle
lady on the look-out--A bow.
When do mems heads resemble their
dwellings,? When they are covered with
tiles. .a- .
Why is your chamberrnaid immoral2
She returns every day without dying.
Put money in thy purse, as the pick
pocket said when he robben a man OF an
empty one. ... ...
A newspaper advertisement call for a
plain cook, able to dress little boy i've
years old.
Oh, Nanny, wilt thou gang WI me? as
the fellow said when he was trying to
steal goat.
Marriage-An altar on which man
lays his pocket-book, and woman her
love letters.
France struck at Germany on the
Rhine the Germans in France pentrated
to the core.
What is that which he who has it not
does not wish for, but he who has 1t
would not part with it for any money!
4 Bald head.
A fashionable mammals advice to
married daughter: "Never take your hus-
band to an evening party there is moth
thing that is always SO much in the way"
Trying to do business without adverti-
sing is like winking at pretty girl
through a pair of green goggles. You
may know what you are doing but no.
body else does.
& man whose wife hanged herself in his
presence, on being asked why he did not
prevent the tragedy, replied; / cut her
down three times last week, and can't
be always cutting her down"
A young lady, recently married to a
farmer, one day visited the cow-houses,
when she thus interrogated her milk-maid;
by the by, Mary, which of these cows IS
it that gives the buttermilkp
Many persons remember Father Tay-
lor's prayer for Abraham Lincoln, that
the Lord would protect him "from the
creatures who were trying to bore their
way through the sheathing Of his integri-
E.
An Albany damsel asked one of her
fellow boarders, stylish dry-goods
clerk, at the breakfast table: Why IS
your moustache like my back hair?" He
blushingly gave it up, the answer caused
him to blush still more ''Because II ls
all down."
"Mother," said a little girl who was en-
gagged in making her doll an apron, IL
| believe I will be a duchess when | grow
up" 'How do you ever expect to be-
come a duchess, my darliDg?" her mother
asked. "Why, by marrying a Dutch
man, to be sure" replied the girl.
A lady had favorite lap-deg, which
she called Perohance. "a singular name,"
said somebody, "for a beautiful pet,
madam. Where did you find it?' "Oh,"
drawled she. '.it was named from Byron's
dog. You remember where he says.
'Perchanc9 ny dog viii how'll p" ,..
/ Jenny said landlady to her help,
the other morning, "Jenny, was there any
Ifte in the kitchen last night, while you
were sitting up?" "Only just spark,
ma'am." was the reply. The fandlady
looked suspiciously at Jenny, but the IN
ocent girl went on scrubbing and hum
ming "Katy Darling"
sJohn, why wilt thou do so 2" said a
! substantial Quaker merchant to Johnny,
negro in his employ, whom be found be-
fore a magistrate, and that not for the
a FIRST time, charged with stealing. "Why
wilt thou do so, thou foolish man Thou
always get caught! !" "Why, massa,
> don't get caught half the time."
An Alabama editor having read DR.
Halls lecture advising that husband and
wife should sleep in separate apartments,
! saws that DR.. Hall can sleep where he
chooses, but for himself he intends to sleeF
where he can defend his wife against rati
8 and other nocturnal animals, as long a.
he has got one to defend.
= ,'Do you publish matrimonial notice:
!. for the subscribers to your paper e sad
a gentlemanly looking youth, stepping
>. into our Office the other morning. Scr
taiply, sir" "Well, then, Pll go and ge
IF married for / don't see any other way o.
getting my name in your paper, since yol
( have rejected all my poetical efusions."
il The good Mr.. Bergh of New York
. now called zo-opholist. He has printe
!. letter pleading for the life of the cat
I. He says that the slaughter of these Inno
i. cents impeaches the wisdom that create
them. The papers ask, in reply, if Nj
IN Bergh does not kill bugs 2 and if be dos
not thereby impeach the wisdom whiC
created bugs
ILLINOIS crops that have bee
harvested in northern Illinois have show
q Iarra rinld rner acre and an fxcnllel