The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1871-07-14
HUM0RS OF THE DAY.

To rob a man of his money is tO
wound him in the the chest.
Who was the wisest man KnO Tcr
What lid he know ? he knew enough
to 60 in out of the rain.
Camphor-wood collins, TO keep oul
moths are an indispensable thing will
the people III good society in New
York.
a celebrated wit WAS asked il lac
new Theodore Hook. "Ics," hC
replied Hook and eve are old ac
| qulimtances."
Tom Hughes thinks that the United
States is in the unique position of ,
''na;iom heaping up wealth very fast
v ithou. having been educated into
the timc-honored way Of spending
any amount scientifically"
y Wisconsin postmaster has writ
ten 10 Washington for "sOm eternal
rcvcnu stamps" he has several col,
for them"
y man having killed himself OH
the Mississippi river recently, al
Arkansas Coroner's jury rendered a
verdict Of suicide in the first de-
gree"
Whatever Midas touched turned
into gold. In these days, touch q
man with gold and he'll turn into
anything.
y dandy OF twcnty-siJ having
been termed an old bachelor APP
pealcd 10 an elderly gentleman TO de-
eide whether he should be called old
or not, giving his age, Twenty six,
-aId The elderly gentleman, ait is
owing 10 how you take it. Now, for
man il is Young enough; hut for a
s"o-r il Is rather old"
'G"od morning, Mr.. Smith. On
Tie sick list to-day z" "Yes, sir; got
The ngue.' DO you ever shake p
Yes. shake fcarfully." when DO
YOU shake again ?" "Can't say when
shake every day. Why do You ask 2
Oh, nothing in particular; only !
thought ii you shook so bad I'd like
to stand by and see il you wouldn't
shake the five dollars ont of your
pocket which you have owed me so
long"
One Cay TrOtter stopped q man on
the road who drove miserable team
OF sick and aged little mules, and
with the ejaculation, Look n here,
pilgrim; | know a man that would
give eight hundred dollars if he
could see them mules" why" cx-
claimed the man, startled at such al
unexpected prospect of luck, "ycou
daOn't say so. Who is hep" "Hc's
a blind man" said Trotter; "g'lang.
The editor of a journal published
IN Antwerp sent a reporter 10 Brus-
sells for the kings speech, and with
him a couple of carrier pigeons to
take back the documents speedily.
At Brussels he gave the pigeons in
charge Of waiter and called for
breakfast. lie was kept waiting
some time, but a very delicate fri
cascc atOned for the delay. After
breakfast he paid his bill and called
for the carrier pigeons. pigeons -
exclaimed the waiter, "why, you have
eat them"
The daily course of study at
Nassar college embraces two barrels
of flour, five barrels of potatoes, one
barrel of coffee, one barrel of SOUP,
two hundred and sixty pounds Of
poultry, one hundred and eighty
pounds of roast beef, two hundred
quarts OF milk, one hundred and sixty
quarts ofice-crcam, and eight hundred
eggs. IL takes three years of this
sort of thing to perfect the girls in
all thc details OF q first class cduca-
ton.
L. Is very prctentious young man
of slender requirements, who effects
literature, especially in the presence
of youns ladies. On one occasion
he brought down the house by ask
ing a lady If she had read Mr.. Dick
ems. last novel, 1.-THE Diamond Edi-
ton" y most astounding blunder
is the following: Seeing a copy OF
Lalla RoOkh lying on centre-table,
he called attention to it, when some
body inquired il he had ever read it.
" No. he replied, Il have never
read any of Miss RoOkh's poems"
Owing to the reckless extravaganza
of few people in Cincinnati, who
persist IN drinking water with their
whisky, the Ohio river is drained
nearly dry. The authorities will
have 10 take the matter in hand,
and put a stop to the waste. or the
steamers viii be compelled to lie up
until damp weather sets i'm.
! western lover says OF lis part
ing from his adored one: Her las;
words fell, like great rocks, into the
sea OF my sorrows, and splashcd the
briny water into my eyes
a kentucky divine was so discon-
cerled by the blowing Of a nose ap-
pertaining TO one of the congregation
that lac lost the thread OF his dis
course entirely, and had TO appeal to
his audience for assistance. As no
one, however, could remember the
text or subject, The doctor called on
Brother McMuIlem TO close the meet
ing with prayer.
y Young man at Holly Springs,
Mississippi, recently volunteered to
aid ia taxing up the collection at one |
VI The churches there, and succeeded |
in raising q considerable sum. He |
approached the dooT, and was about |
10 90 out with his hat, full OF con-
Oh his head, when i.Ic !
minister said solemnly: Young /
nan. If you leave here with that
money you'll be damned" The
Dung man, however, LETT I'm a hur-
=, and, as lac shut The door behind
nm, Il worthy old bachelor, with a
,oicc in f sharp, who put dollar
IA TIE hat, pipcd out to the minister:
Well, il lac amt gone with it, TN
&c id"
4 few weeks ago baby was taken
nto church to be baptized, and his
title brother was present during
he rite. On the following Sunday,
7hcn baby was undergoing his alb
alton and dressing, the little brother
skcd mamma if she intented TO car
Y Willie TO be christcned?
" Why, no." replied his molhor;
don't "ou know, my son, that peO-
&c are not baptized twice :"
What returned the Young
.asoncr. with the utmost astOnish- ,
icut in his earnest face, "not If il
Oh take the first time?"
Small Pox. \ few days ago, 4 {
archily-drcssed individual called at
J out-of-thc-way shop on Howard l
rect. New Orleans, over which
iug the sign o. CDR. Jiflrics." is !
e doctor in2" lac inquired Of a di-
pidaivd coiOred man who answered
5 SUMMONS. "IIc am dat sar.
Tell him think | have ~ mPtoms ;
the smallpox, and wish 10 con :
II linn" the whites of Sambo's eyes !