Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1871-02-01
Josh Billings on Izossis-

They are kept II nil sorts ov ways,
sum on tie European pan, and nseRny
ov them on 20 plan al all.
A good landlord IL like good step
mother. he knows biz bizness and me ,ns
To 10 his duty.
lie knows bow to rub bis hands with
JOY when Traveller draws nIgh, he knows
how TO smile. he knows yure wife's fathr
when he waz living. and yure wife's first
husband, but he don 1 81 eak about Inn.
He kan tell weather it will rain To
morrow or not; he hears vure complaints
with a tear in his eye, he blows up the
servants al yure suggestion. and stands
aroaud reddy with shirt collar as stiff
as broken china.
a man may be good Supream Court
Judge. and al the same time be misar
able landlord.
Most ever, body thinks he kan keep n
hotel (and they ham, but this ackounts
for the great numbrr Of hotes that are
kept on the Same principle tina. Justiss
ov The Peace "iiiSs IL kept in country
during six DAYS jary trail for killing
sambodds's yeIk, dorg.
A i,,tei won't kee,, itself and keep the
landlord too. and ever kure the traveller
from the habit uv r,ufanes caring
hav bad this expert n"nt tried on me
severs! times. and it alwus ln.kes me
swear vu>s.
II il too often the kase that landlords
90 into the bizness ov hash IA ministers
20 into the professhun. with the very oest
ov motives, but the poorest kind ov pros.
poets
| don't know ov any bizness more fat
tersum than the tavern dizziness. There
don't seem To bd anything Ia d" but To
stan'l in frost ov the rcgis,,r with pen
behind the ear and see that The guests
enter The house. then yank bell rope
six or seven times. aud then tell John To
sho the gentle 10 976, and then take four
dollars and fifty cents next morning from
the pnur Teller aud let him went.
This seems To- be the wh lie thing (and
!, is tho whole thine) in most Cases.
Iu will tiSkover Tie following deskrip-
shnn. mill one, Nv about 0 hotels ont
of 10 between the Atlantic and Pacific
OshnnS "krosi the United States in II
straight line:
Ynre room is 8 foot inches, by 9
foot Z inches. paraIlelngranIy.
Ii beng court week las nSua) nil the
good rooms are employed by the lawyers
aud Judges.
Yure room is on the uttermost floor.
The carpet is ingrain- ingrained with
til" dust, kerosene lie aud lnkspols of
four grner"sLIns.
Thare " two pegs in the room ,ew
hitch coats onto; one ov them broke oph
and the other pulled out aud missing.
The buro has three legs aud one brick
The ASS To he buro swings on two
pvojs which have lost their grip.
Th're il one towel on the rack. thin,
but wet. The rainwater in the pitcher
cum va, ov the well.
The soap IL AZ tiff to wear az q wLet
stone.
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie.
aud variegateI with spots
Thare IL three chairs, cane sectors. one
il a rocker. and all three is busted
Thare IL n match box. empty.
Thare IL ~ kuriin 10 The window. and
lliars don't want To be an, /; W kant see
cut. and vino kan see in?
The beli rope 10 cun "ph about six in
ches this side ov the ceiling.
Tue bed IL n modern sat bottom. with
two mattresses, one cotton, and on hu>k,
and both harder, and about re- thick M u
sea hI>klt.
Yu enter the bel side ways and kan
feel every stat at once, as easy rs YOU
could the ribs Of g,ld iron.
The bed il lnhablled.
va sleep sumo but roll over good
deal.
For breakfast YOU hive a gong, AMI
lhy coffee too koI.i l. ncll butIrr; fried
p.tntocs winch res. iubie the chips that
Iwo-Inch auser makes IN lis journey
through an OAK log.
Bead, soiIed beef stake about rs thick
az a biis;er plaster, and AS tough as II
hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared
to death pickles on one oy them, aud
fly embossed crackers on the other.
A pewternk,uiu castor with three bot
ties IN 1t. one without any pepper ~ j.,
one without any mustard and one with
two inches OF drowned flies, aud sum
vinegar Ia il.
Servan, gal, with hoops on. hangs
around 80 earnestly. aud wants to know
If VI want another cup ov coffee.
Yu say No man, thank, and push
back yure CHAR.
va bavn't eat enuff to pay for picking
yure teeth.
am about NJ self conseated az it will
do for a nan 10 be aud not crack open,
but never vet con.a,ted that | could
keep hotel; bad rather be highway
man than to be sum landlords | have
visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a joy upon
the earth, WHARF a man pays h;z till as
ctesi faiIy NJ lie did the parso- who mar
ried hun; WHARF yu kant find the lan,.-
lord unless VI tult in the klchen, WHARF
servants glide around like angels ov
mercy; WHARF the beds til mans ba K
like the feathers IN u g'nse, aud WHARF,
the vItteS TASTE just az though cure wife
- ,,a ,,,Nlhar t,,i fr,.,l