The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1871-08-31
The Conquest Of America.
H. @. IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND AFTERWARDS.

The following capital buresque is copiet
from the Indianapolis News. 1t is supposed t,
have been written in 1S92-twenty years hence
by Max Adeler, witness of the terrible
scenes enacted at the time of which the stor,
tells. The English satire, "The Battle of Dor
king" furnished the suggestion for this pro
phetic tale:
THE CONQUEST OF AMERICA.
You ask me to tell you, my children, of tht
events which Immediately preceded the de
struction of the once great American Union
and the capture of the country by the present
European rulers, and to say something also o.
the cause which led to these deplorable results
| undertake the task with heavy heart, fol
when / revert to that terrible time l cannot
help contrasting our proud condition up to thai
fatal year with the huiniliating position occu
pied now by the American people. The story
is short one In the fall of 1872 Horace
Greeley, the editor of newspaper in New
York, was elected President Of the United
States. The people voted for him because they
thought he was an honest man. And so he was
But he was also vain and weak, and he enter
tained certain fanatical and preposterous no.
tions-about agricultural matters, for instance
which he was determined to force upon the
| He believed, among other things, that every
man ought to 90 to the West to earn his bread,
and long before he was chosen President he
used to advise everybody to move to that re-
gion, as cure for all the disasters that could
befall the human family.
DRIVING THE SEABoARD POPULATIoN WEST.
As soon as he reached the Executive Man
sion, which We used to call the White House,
President Greeley organized an army of 20O,-
600 men, and proceeded to force the entire
population of the seaboard States westward At
the point of the bayonet. The utmost violence
was used. Those who resisted were shot down
and their dead bodies were carried off to ma
tional factory which the President had estab
lished for making some kind of fantastical fer
tilizer All the large cities of the East were
depopuated, and the towns were entirely emp
ty. The army swept before it millions of men,
women and children, until the vast plains west
of Kansas were reached, when the pursuit
ceased and the army WAS drawn up in contin-
uous lne with orders to shoot any person who
attempted to visit the East. OF course, hun
dreds of thousands of these poor creatures
pcrished from starvation. This seemed to
frighten President Greeley, and he sent mes
sage to Congress recommending that 100000
volumes of book of his, entitled "What
relief of the Starving sufferers. This was done,
and farming implements and seeds were sup
piled and then the millions of wretchcd out
casts made an eflnrt to till the ground. Of the
result of this will speak further on.
ALL EUROPE IN ARMS AGAINST AMERICA.
In the meantime the President was doing in
finite harm to the country in another way His
handwriting was SO feartully and wonderfully
bad that no living man could read it. And so
when he sent his first annua! message tn Con
greSs-the document was devoted wholly 10 the
tariff and agrcuture-a sentence appeared
which subsequently was asccrtaincd to be
Large cultivation of rutabagas and beans is
the only hope of the American nation, | am
sure" The printers, not being able to inter
pret this, put it in the following form, in which
it went to the world "rhe Car of Russia
couldn't keep clean if he washed himself with
the whole Atlantic ocean once day This
perversion of the message was Immediately tel
egraphed to Russia by the Russian minister,
and the Car was so indignant that he imme-
diately declared war;
Just at this time President Greeley undertook
to write some letters to Prince Bismarck upon
the subject of potato rot, and after giving his
singular views at great length he concluded
with the statement that if the Emperor Will
liam said that subsoil ploughing was not good
in light soils, or that guano was better than
bone dust he was liar a villain, and 4 slave"
OF course the Emperor Immediately declared
war, and became an ally of Ru~ il and of Eng
land, against which latter country Mr.. Greeley
had actually begun hostiities already because
the Queen, in her speech from the throne, had
declared the TribHnes advocacy of Il tariff on
pig iron incendiary, and calculated to disturb
the peace of nations.
Unhappily this was not the full measure of
our disasters. The President had sent to the
Emperor Of Austria a copy Of his book What
l know" &C., with his autograph upon fly
leaf The Emperor mistook the signature for Il
carricaturc of the Austrian eagle, and he heart
lily Joined in the war against the United States;
while France was provoked TO the same act by
the fact that when the French Minister came to
call upon Mr.. Greeley to present his crcden-
tials, the President, who was writing an edto-
rial at the time, not tcomprehending the French
language, mistook the ambassador for Il bcggar,
and without looking up handed him quarter
and an order for clean shirt, and said to him,
"Go West young mango West
PRESIDENT GREELEY AND CABINET HANGED.
So all these nations joined i'll making war
upon our coasts and landed without opposition,
lOT tHcSc tAPoSSN l'it'pH' WI "ui ""H"lP.
country were absolutely deserted. The I'res-
dent was afraid to call away the army from
Kansas at first, for fear the outraged people
upon the plains would come East in spite of
him. But at last he did summon the army to
his aid, and it moved to meet the enemy. 1t
WAS too late. Before the troops reached Gin
cnnati the foreigners had seized Washington
and all the country cast of the Ohio, and had
huup the President. the Cabinet, and every |
member of Congress The army disbandcd in
alarm, and the invaders moved 10 the far West,
where they found the population dying of starry
alton, because they had followed the advice of
Greceys book to "Try, for your first crop, to
raise lines, and don't plant more than bllshcl
of quicklimc in a hillr' OF course these
wretched people were at the mercy OF the enc
nv, who-to his credit he it sall-trcated them
kindly, fed them, and brought them back to
their old homes.
UTTER RUIN OF TIE RErI-pLIc.