The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1871-06-02
JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS
Scraps faom His Fathers Aimnnax.
KALKULAsIIUNS OF PRoGNosTIX Ma

KALKULAsHUNs OF A PRoGNosTIx Ma
TURE.
Whenever you see flock Of geese
all standing on one leg, except the
old gander, and he chawing his cod,
look out for a southwest wind tew-
morrow, CT next day, or the day
after, or at some fewture time. When
ever dogs are seen travelling around
with nothing to do, and old maids re-
fuse their tea, and hop vines won't
climb, and grind stones won't grind,
then You may eXpekt little crop of
oats, and beans won't pay for harves-
sing.
Wanted Several fust class young
men, with mutash, to hang around
The vestibules of different churches in
Amerika and star at the females as
they pass out. Young men who I'M
dcrstand the the use of tobacco pre-
Terred. No yomd man accepted who
kant star the brass buttons off from
a military coat at twenty PAGES.
This liza rare chance for young men
otrcal genius. Salary payable week
~. references exchanged.
The cockroach IL a bug at large. He
IL one ov the luxurys of civilizashun.
The cockroach is born on the fust ov
May, and the fust ov November semi
annually, and IL reddy for use in fif-
teen days from date. They are born
four from each egg, and consequently
they are all twins; there is no SIGH
things in the annals of natures az
single cockroach. Their food seems
10 consist, not SO much ov what they
eat, as ov what they can git into, and
often find them dead in the soup at mi
clearinghouse. | Lave cum tew the
painful conclusion that the cock
roach kant swim, but that he can
float for long time.
70 make good sharp pickles, whit
lie oph both ends ov them tcw o
pint.
Blessed arc they who have no eye
for q keyhole. ...... ...
Tcw freshcn a salt mackercl, tow
him one summer behind steamboat.
1t liz human TO err, but devlish few
brag omit.
4 gentleman liz a gentleman the
world over; it is only the loafers that
differ.
lew get rid of cockroaches, sci your
house and lot, and flee tew the noun
tains.
Tew learn dog few follow well
tic him tcw the hind end ofan express
train.
A dog IL the only thing OH this
earth that loves you more thun he
loves himself.
Opinyuns are like turnips, worth
what they will fetch.
Courage without discreshun is like
Il ram with horns on both ends, he
will have more fights on hand than he
can do justiss to.
When you find a man who liz very
solicitus about the welfare ov every
body, you kan safely put him down
az one who IL hunting for misfor-
tune.
Don't undertake to live with your
mothcr-in-law, but if wuss comes few
wussncss, let yure mother-in-law live
with WI.
Lazyncss IL a good deal like money
the more man haZ of it the more he
seems to want.
Gravity is no more pOsatiff evidence
ov wisdum than a paper collar is ola
shirt.
Every time a man lafls he takes a
kink out oy the chain ov life, and
thus lenghthcns it.
a coquette in love il az tame az a
bottle Of pop that has stood sum time
with the cork pulled out.
| don't know oy anything more re-
morcsclesS on the face of the earth
than Z per cent. interest.
TO make clearinghouse hash take
$ little ov everything, good deal ov
nothing, and throw in chunk of
aomething jam to mux, cook over
Il cold fire, season with hair pins, and
serve up on the jump.
Three skOre yeas and ten IL mans
furlo, add it an enuff-if man kant
suffer all the misery he wants in that
Time he mnst be numb.
What men kant do they are very
apt to admire-they don't criticize a
mountain bckause they kant make
one.
Thar IL nothing like a sick bed for
rcpcntcnancc--a man bccums so write
wous he will often repent of sins he
never committed.
Crate transgreshuns seems tew bap-
tic themselfs-if the devil only had
been guilty ofpetit larceny, however
would hav bin heard ov agin.
The man who wont believe emmy
thing he cont sec, aint so wise as a
mule, for they will kick at a thing in
the dark.
Whenever a minister has preached
u sermon that plcaZes the whole con-
%rcga,hun, he probably haz preached
one that the Lord wont endorse.
One of the hardest things for cny
man TO dew IL tew fall down on the
ice when il IL wet, and then get up
and pr:lZe the Lord.
Sckrets are kussid poor property
emmy how; if YOU circulate then yu
lozc them, and if you keep them you
loZc the interest on the investment.
Moral Courage.