Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-08-10
WHOLE NUMBER 224.
HUMOROUS,


The lady with ga single purpose" is
an old maid.
Can man eating dates be said to con-
sumo time?
What grows bigger the more you con-
tract it Debt.
What man carries everything before
him? The waiter.
ages? Fascination.
What is that which is full of holes and
yet yolds water? A sponge.
esBoys will be boys'' is nonsense, Boys
will be men-if they live long enough.
What is.the difference between a fish
erman and a lazy school boy? One bats
his hook, and the other hates his book.
Charles and his wife agree grandly on
one point; she thinks more of him than
of anybody else in the world, and so does
he.
care dose bells ringing for fire?'' in
quired Simon of Tiberius.
"No, indeed" answered Tibe; "dey alb
got plenty of fire, and de bell are now
ringing for water"
A little girl joyfully assured her
mother that she had found out where
they made horses. ssShe Had seen man
i'll shop, just finishing one of them; for
he was mailing on his last foot.''
1t has often been remarked that child
zen will ask questions which even the
wisest are puzzled to answer,
'Mamma," exclaimed Charley, elbow
big was when you was little girl"
A poor emaciated Irishman, having
called in physician in forlorh hope,
1 fhQ 1QttQr CnrQa6 q IorOrn 1cfar6 rl1acfQr
and put it on the poor fellows lean chest.
Pat, when he with fearful eyes looked
| down on it, said:
s'Docther, it strikes me its dale of
mustard for so little mate, .......+i.,
A man who wanted to buy horse
asked friend how to tell a horse's age.
'EBy his teeth, was the reply. ..,T
l The next day the man went to horse
| dealer, who showed him splendid black
horse. The horse-hunter opened the
animals mouth, gave one glance, and
turned on his heel. 'i' '7'.'"'.''
81 don't want him." said he !; She's
thirty-two years old"
He had counted the teeth. 'aip
Two Dutch farmers in Canada, whose
farms were adjacent, were out in their
respective fields, when one heard an
unusually loud hallooing in the direction
of gap in high stone, wall, and ran
| Will all Speeu 10 Lne ptdce, anu IneAol-
lowing brief conversation ensued:
sSohn, vat ish tie matter ?' ''Vell, den,"
says John, FsI was trying to climb on tie
top of dish big stone wall, and / fell off,
and all te stone wall tumbled down onto
i me, and has broken one of my legs of,
and part of my arms, smashed my rib
in, and desc pig stones are laying on the
top of mine yody." "Ish dat ali? ?p says
the other; s'vy, you hollow so big loud L
!, tot you got te toofache." 1uH"D OK
i In A APREDIcTAIENT.-Not great while
since, a couple, male and female, ap-
peared before one of our local magistrates
and desired to be united in marriage.
They were considerable past the barriers
Iof youth, and their grave faces and
solemn mien denoteda a complete appre-
i citation of the step they were about to
take. The lady, in particular, appeared
quite uneasy, and from time to time re-
lceiyed whispered injunotions from her
Iattendent to be calm. Once or twice,
i she looked as if she meant to- speak to
the magistrate, which, the man perceiV-
ing, hastily interposed to prevent. Nev-
ertheless, his watchfulness at last proved
unavailing, and the lady, in sheer des-
peration, asked, eff all her property
would belong to her husband as soon as
they were married" '' '''.' =. .'e
! E''That depends on circumstances; was
| the reply.
"Does it now" exclaimed the lady,
fswell then, if that's the case, 1 want one ~
fFYou, want what?'' inquired the per-
picked official. .. 80 lItEI on
"a circumstance, " said the lady; sacen't
you put one in the ceTenOny?" 1''.''''
The magistrate rather thought he
| couldn' n't.-N. o. PicGyane. IL ~
s'Why is it, my son, that when you drop
your bread and butter, it is always on the
butter side ?" r. tii1.ir.. hCp.'',.
s'I don't know. 1t hadn't orter, had
lit? The strongest side ought to be up,
and this is the strongest butter IhaVe
ever seen." ..-...-,...
"Hush up; it's some of:.your aunt's
churning." liz ..,Fg y .5fg n
"Did She churn it, the great lazy
thing?" '' r.. .r."..i 1916 '-.'ia...
'sWhat, your aunt ?'' ,f- :. r......,..
ssNo, this here butter. To make the
poor old woman churn it when it's strong
enough to churn ITSELF" ...f..,.,...
EtHush, Zeb, I've eat great deal worse
bin the most aristocratic housesps ycg-.
| "Well. people of rank ought to eat it."
| "Why?'' T'l'' '.'. ~. J. .''''
EfCause it's rank butter."Ir,,., .t7y.-.
| "You varmint, you! what makes you
| talk so smart?" --.-IH q h.0.
"Cause the butter hastaken the skin off
my tongue" ..1. ...... ~-s
EZeb, don't lie! can't throw away
4
| EI'll tell you what ! would do with it
keep it to draw blisters. You ought to
see the flies keel over soon as they touch
it."
AN ECCENTRIC TRANSLATION OF THE
PsALMs.-"Burleigh" writes to the Bos-
| ten Journal: ,-. --...t.
We bid fair to have as many trans
lations of the Bible as we have different
ompilations of hymns. Besides the or
CARNATIONS formed for the purpose of
translating the Bible, private individuals
are trying their hands at the work of
mending King James. A distinguished
| but eccentric Doctor of Divinity is said
to employ his leisure ON free transla-
ton. / was in religious meeting last
| week where specimens of this new work
| We're exhibited and read. 1 send you the
translation of the % Psalm: % ), 4
""Deity is my pastor. l shall not be
INDECENT. .'F'' '.'.'s
CHE causeth us to recumbi on verdant
| lawns. He conducteth me beside the un-
| rippled liquidities. - 'G.lr-t
"He reinstateth my spirit, he conduct
eth me in the avenues of rectitude from
the celebrity of his appellations.
"Indubitably, though 1 perambu1ate
| the, glen of the sepulchral dormitories, 1
shall not be pcrturbed bv appalling ca