Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-08-31
wit and IsuiIlor.
Ready money-quicksilver.


| A noose-paper-a marriage certificate.
The best safety match-marrying rich
wife.
What game is most suitable for SOL
diers? Piquet. .-...
What bng is it that fourishes all the
year round? Humbug.
The Lowell Courier attributes the
"sticky weather to the dogs tar"
Georgia fat men are SO adipose that
they have to shake hands sideways.
When is a card-player a shabby indi.
vidual? When he shuffies.
1t is mistake to suppose that the sun
is supported in the heavens by it's beams.
Who pays the highest price for a home F?
The woman who marrries for one.
A Kentucky alderman corrected an
abusive newspaper man by putting sky
light into his back.
New arithmetic: "How long shall you
be gone on your vacation, Ned 2" "Oh,
about three shirts time"
An old lady, writing to her son cut
West, warns him TO beware of billions sa-
looms and bowel alleys.
Divorces are obtained in Maryland
without publicity. They take their
wives out fishing and Tighten the boat.
Why was the Princess Louise like
nursery rhyme? Because she was a
maiden all for Lorne.
Grocers are benevolent people; they are
sure to give everything they have a
weigh, before they sell it.
The best way to improve the lot of a
woman is to put good house on il, and
a good man in the house. Those opposed,
say no.
A guest a at Newport hotel lately ate
dozen ears of green corn at one meal, the
day before his funeral.
a new way to fight duel-let each of
the combatants swallow a dose of poison,
and then toss up for an emetic.
Why should a young man give a lock
of his hair to his intended before marri-
age Because she'll be apt to take one
without leave after marriage.
To recent funeral sermon the deceased
was referred TO as "one of the few men of
the century who have died in their beds
without the aid of physician"
a gentleman named Pepper gave a
party, and one of his guests. on entering
the room, exclaimed MY dear Mr.. Pep
per, how glad you must be to see your
friends mustered ("
Said a fop to young lady, " That gold
ring on your finger is emblematieal of my
love for you, because it has no end. "And
it Is emblematical of mine for you," rsid
the lady, because ii has no beginning"
"Did You present your account to the
defendant 2" asked lawyer of his client.
" did, sir" And what did be say 2"
- He told me to 90 to the devil" :" And
what did you do then ?" "Why, then
came to y0u!'
A gentleman asked q pretentious
woman, who was talking about her travels,
how she got along in countries where she
did not understand the language. "Ob,
oasy enough" she said " we always had
an iHterrupteT with us."
al wish I had your head" said lady
to her lawyer, who had Just solved a
znotty point for her. "And wish had
yeur heart" responded the lawyer. 1t
was not long before the lawyers head
1AA INC iRN9 AS@Ae "SAs INV pain
hip for life.
" You must not occupy this berth with
your boots on" fsrcely said a steamboat
captain to a passenger, TO which the latter
erenely replied, 20, never mind, Car. 1
yuess the bugs won't hurt them much.
They're an old pair. Let 'em rip, any
low."
=" I DON'T miss my church as much as
you suppose" said a lady TO her minister,
Who had called upon her during her ILL.,
less, "for / make Betsey sit at the win
low as soon as the bell begins to chime,
nd tell me who are going to church, and
whether they have any thing new"
An eccentric old gentleman in order to
est the sincerity of bis pretended friends
ne morning hung piece of stair carpet
ut of his first floor window, with a sher-
IF S auction announcement affixed. It
ad the desired effect. It was like firing
gun at pigeon house.
An Edinburgh uudert8ker, noted for his
hrift, having occasion to take the corpse
f an old lady TO the family burying
lace in the Highlands, brought back his
Iearse full of smuQgled whisky. On be-
ng arraigned for the offsnse, he said to
be m gistrate, "Wou, mon, theirs nae
arm done. only took ava the body,
nd brought back the speerit."