Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1871-05-27
Korn, by Josh Billings.

Korn IL sumtimes called maize, and it
grows in sum parts of the western cOun.
try, very amaizenly.
I hav seen 1t out thare Is foot hi Ii |
don't mean the aktual korn itself, but the |
tree on which it grows.)
Korn baz ears, but never haz but one
ear, which IL az def az an adder
Injun meal IL made out ov korn, and |
korn dodgers IL made out ov injGn meal,
and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks,
ov the bred purswashun, known tew
man.
Korn dodgers il made ont ov water,
with irjun meal mkt into il, and then
baked Oh hard board, in the presence
ov hot fire.
When you can't drive 10 penny nail
into them, with sledge hammer, they
are sed, bi good judges, TO be well done,
and are reddy tew be chawed upon.
They will keep five years, in damp
place, aud not gro tender, aud dog hit
with one Of them will yell for week,
and then crawl under the barn and nut.
ter for two days more.
| bav knawed two hours miself on one
side ov korn dodger without produsing
emmy result, and think could starve to
death twice before could seduce kOrn
dodger.
They git the name dodger from the
lmmegiate necessity of dodging If one
IL hove horizontally at yu iu anger.
1t Is far better tew be slnote bi year
old steer than korn dodger that iz only
three hours old.
Korn was fusl discovered hi the injuns,
but WHARF they found it don't know,
and don't know as care.
Whiskee (noble whskee) IL made out
ov korn, and whiskee iz one ov the great
est blessings known tew man.
We never should hav bin able tew fill
our State przons with energetick men,
and our poo" houses with good eaters, if
it want Tor noble whiskec.
We never should hav had enny tem-
perance sons ov society, nor demokratik
pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good
murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor whi,kee
rings, nor nothing, it it want for blessed
whiskte
1t it want for corn how could emmy
boldly get corned
And # it want for getting horned,
what would life be worth ?
We should all sink down to the level
ov the brutes if it want for getting
horned.
The brutes don't git horned, they
hain't got enny reason nor soul.
We often hear # drunken brutes."
This is compliment to oxen which don't
being tew them.
aloo I.,, L,,,,,l, o,,l l.,,,.,,l, - a..
often horned, so are biigadeer generals.
johnny kake is made out ov koln, so
IL has puddin.
Hasty paddiu and milk is quick tew
eat.
All yu hav got to do IL to gap and
smallo, and that is the last of the pudd,n
Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. J.-
seph waz sent down into Egypt after
sum korn, but his brothers DIDN'T want
him to go, so they took pity on him
and plted him in pit.
When his brothers got back hum, and
were asked where Joe WOE, they didn't
acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.
1t haz been proved that it II wicked to
lie about korn, or emmy ov the other veg
gables.
Thare iz this difference between ieing
and saving wood, it iz easier to lie es-
peshly in the shade.
Korn haz one thing that nobody else
haz got, and that IL kob.
This kob runs thru the middle ov the
korn, and iz az phull ov korn az Job waz
of biles.
alwuz feel sorry when think ov Job,
and wonder how he managed tew set
down in chair.
Knowing how tew set down square on
bile without hurtin the chair, IL one ov
the lost arts.
Job waz a card he had more pashunce
and bles tew the square inch, than IL
usual.
One hundrc and twenty-five akers ov
korn tew the bushel is konsidered good
krop, but hav seen more
hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a
bushel, and i'll sum parts of the western
country, It iz SO much that thare aint no
good IaH against stealing it.
In konklushun, If yu want tew git a
sure krop ov kOrn, and IA good price for
the krop, feed about quarts ov it tew a
shaughi rooster, then murder the rooster
Immediately, and sell him for II cents a
pound, krop and all.
1t is a disgrace 10 our common sense in
this Year of our Lord, 1871, that Gail Hamil-
Ton can say with SO much truth:
There is probably not well-ventilated
| Il. l.,