The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1871-12-01
Humorous.

ed ?" Small heathen-"Oh, yes, mum
I've the marks here on my arm"
A Cincinnati widow advertised for
"every Christian in the city" to send
her ten cents. She realized 20 cents,
indicating an unexpectedly large num-
Der of Christians in that city.
JOSH Billings says: "When man
amt good for anything else, / like to
see him carry gold headed cane. If
he can't buy cane, let him part his
hair In the middle"
a DANDY, with cigar in his mouth,
entered II menagerie, when the proprie.
tor requested him to take the weed |
from his mouth, lest he should learn the |
other monkeys bad habits.
A soft hat with feather stuck in the
band as is the fashen with some of our
thoroughbred" swells. 1t is pertinent
to remark that the appearance of THE
feather indicates considerable soft.
ness under the hat.
Mrs. KANE, Of Baltimore, set out to
write a list of the wrongs of women, but
found SO many Of them that she was
driven to the conclution that women
suffer ~ wrOog in being born at all. This
disposes of the whole question in
nutshell,
WE notice in one of the Boston ex-
changes that "a rich bachelor of New
Jersey recently died, leaving by will
several leIaeics of from ten to twenty.
five thousand dollars each, to ladies
whom h had addressed, but who had
rejected him. Ho said that they had
afterwards grown to be so ugly that he
could not sufficiently grateful"
a good instance of "sharp practice is
that OF a man in Ohio, who was acquitt-
ed of murder on plea of incanity. He
had secvcsd his lawyers by giving
them mortgage on his farm, but now
repudiates the mortgage on the groud
that he was insane when he made it,
according to the showing of these same
lawyers
ABAvARIAN officer in France found
one of his men cleaning chicken.
"Hallow cried he, "fellow where did
you get that chicken? Don't you know
that stealing has been forbidden on pain
CT death ?" "A peasant woman gave it
to me-" was the answer. "And what did
she say?' "Well, she didn't say much;
she only cried"
INVENTIVE LADs.-A countryman
living in Tennessee, where forests and
game are plenty, says that his boys, who
all have gun apiece, became short of
percussion caps a few days ago, and the
first thing he knew they were shooting
with match heads as substitute. How
many boxes of matches he lost in that
way he did not say, but he found that
they fired as clear as the cap itself. 1t
is said that necessity is the mother OF
invention.
A CLERGYMAN who had been stay.
ing for some time at the house of a
friend, on going away, called to him lit
tie Tommy, the four.year old son of his
host, and asked him what he should
give him for a present. Tommy, who
had great respect for the "cloth,"
thought 1t his duty to suggest something
of a religious nature, SO he announced
hesitatingly, "I-I think should like
testament, but l kno,o 1 should like a
pop-gun."
AN Irishman was going along the
road, when an angry bull rushed down
upon him, and with his horns tossed him
over the fence. The Irishman recover.
ing from his fall, upon looking up saw
the bull paving and tearing up the
ground, las is the custom of the animal
when irritated,) whereupon Pat smil-
ing at him, said:
''If it was not for your bowling and
scraping and your humble apologies,
you brute, faix l should think that you
had thrown me over the fence on pur-
pose"
How TO Do IT.-A short time ago
whale was stranded on the coast, and
purchased as speculation by sharp
practitioner, who advertised, for infor-
nation how to preserve it. A wag re-
piled to the advertisement, rendering
the desired Information on receipt of a
half dollars worth of postage stamps,
which arrived, and the following receipt
was duly forwarded:
"Put the whale carefully into glass
bottle cover it over with spirits of wine
(strong whisky may do;l then cork and
seal up"
The postage stamps where handed
over to charitable institution.
AN old bachelor looks at il in this way:
"a baby is not beautiful. 1t is big he'd.
ed, malformed of lind, misshaped of
trunk, bloated and puny as to count
enance, and comparatively hairless as to
scalp. A baby is not good. 1t is selfish,
wantonly cruel, thoughtless, greedy and
ungrateful. 1t is immodest, moreover,
and is always executing some shocking
atrocity. A baby is not personally
cleanly; 1t revels in dirt, and takes
sharp delight in being grimy and smut
ed of cheek, sticky Of palm, soiled in its
raiment, and generally ill.smelling. l
write these several indictments more in
sorrow than in anger, and confident in
the justice and truth of them, L invite
discussion. Sir, you know the facts are
as above stated. Madam, you know it,"
IN BAD FIX.-A very good widow,
who was looked up to by the congrega-
tion TO which she belonged, as an exam
pie of piety, contrived TO bring her con-
science to terms for one little indul-
gence. She loved porter, and one day,
Just as she had received half dozen
bottles from the man who usually
brought her the comfortable beverage,
she saw two of the grave elders of the
church approaching her door. She ran
the man out of the back door, and put