Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1871-04-18
Lunch ff0s. HasaasO2.jsts.

~ When in CoWes do as COWS do.
How to make hot bed-set the mattress on
fire. 49,
The ignorant druggists mortar is a pesti-
lence. 20
!, a fshmonger in London advertises, "Ala-
bama clans
A. legitimate inference-that dentists Of
fee is draWing-room.
We heard of man the other day who is SO
mean, that when he weeps he saves the tears
to secure the salt.
Smith declares that the only thing on earth
capable OF moving certain cross-grained old
aunt of his is her rocking-chair.
Among the wants in one of the papers is
this Partial board for a single gentleman;
house kept by widow and daughter; buses
and cars convenient. .sszE
Peace and even the millennium is possible in
Paris; if not the lion and the lamb, certainly
the cat and the rat have lain down together
on the restaurant tables.
''During this war; says paper, France
produced no Marshal Murat" And yet she
ate cavalry horses enough to have produced
even a martial neigh-tNey)
A couple of Belgian giants says the Gin
cinnati Globe, ''are now in the city for the pur-
pose of exhibition. They are SO long, that it
takes two days to exhibit them"
Bacchus has drowned more men than Nep-
tune. The meaning of this proverb appears
to be this-that 1t is much safer to go over the
seas than to get half seas over. Ia
A down East editor plaintively says, that he
has original poetry enough to ''shingle meet
huf bo hoe bo,,e
to shingle, the original poetry In useless.
Come here, Felix; you said the letter f
was gluttOn. bow do you know it ?" Because
he changes fasts into feasts, is invariably the
first to commence eating, and is always last at
table"
They have strange titles ia Japan. One Of
the highest dignitaries in Jeddo is called his
Grace of Ffty-fve Umbrellas; another the
Lord of Hundred Fans and third the Su-
preme Controller of the Golden Poodles.
A gentleman asked Mr.. Greeley which was
the greatest poultry raising State, as he was
anxious to engage in that branch of agriculture.
Horace said that within the past three weeks
he had come to the conclusion that New Hamp-
shire was the most noted for raising poultry as
he couldn't pick up paper from that State
but was filed with ROSTERS.
A Kansas City editor who employs Chinese
laundryman is in panic He says: They
sent home with our washing yesterday thing
that branches off liz two ways little below the
top like railway junction, and has puckered
frills edged with "tattiDg" on each end of the
divide. We don't know what it is and we're a
poor, friendless man, with only our virtue, and
none but villains would seek to injure that.
The boys on Long Wharf, New Haven, have
a novel way of getting molasses into their stom
achs. They take long string, dip it into the
molasses and, putting one end between THEN
teeth. swallow the rest. After calmly enjoying
the delicious sweetness awhile, they take hold
Of the end of the string and pull it gently out
and repeat the operation. It's fun, says the
Palladium; if you don't believe it, try it your
SELF
The following highly appreciative tribute tc
California strawberries Is from Western pa
per: strawberries grow In California all the
year round. The strawberries attain an unu-
sual size; it is not uncommon for an ordinary
family to subsist On one for a week or two Ii
must not be supposed that all the varieties are
OF this siZe some are much smaller, aud 1t is
not unfrequent for a healthy man to finish one
at a meal
Lansing, Michigan, writes Western cores
pendent is very healthy locality for the ague.
ut comes creeping up fellows back like g
ton of wild cats, goes crawling through bis
joints like iron spikes and is followed by fe-
yer which prohibits the patient from thinking
of anything but the Independent Order Of
Good Templars. 1t ism the .every-other-day'
kind, but gets up with man at daylight, and
sleeps in the small of his back all night His
teeth feel about six inches too long, his Joints
wobble like a loose wagon wheel, and the shakes
are SO steady that one cant hold any sort OF
conversation except by putting in dashes.''
BEHIND THE VEIL.-It is not always the
practice Of pretty ladies' to wear veil. No!
even coquetry will dispense with the pleasure
OF showing lovely countenance, and the most
modest and retiring beauty likes to be admired
for the regularity and delicacy of her features.
These reflections passed rapidly through the
mind OF a wel-known magistrate riding up
town recently. By his side sat lady, who,
from single glimpse of her coantenance he
imagined that be knew. At last he ventured
the remark that the day was pleasant.
Yes" murmured the female
"Why do you wear veil?' inquired the
dispenser of justice.
Lest ] attract attention.
1T is the provinces ct gentlemen to admire -
replied the gallant man of law
Not when they. are married"
''But am not"
"Indeed =
'Oh, no; M bachelor!"
1.-THE lady quietly removed her veil, disclo-
sing to the astonished magistrate the face of
his mother-in-law. He had business elsewhere
suddenly.-M 0. Reoyane.
WEEPING AND WAILING, BUT NO GNAsH1Nc
OF TEETH. Terrible times in Warrepton. Va
are thus depicted "A few weeks ago. a den
fist came to town, and advertised that he would
remove all of persons old teeth for So. and
insert a new SET for $40, beside giving six
months credit" The Warrenton people are
very fond OF bargains. so there was rush for
the dentlst office. He was busy for two weeks
pulling teeth, and at the end of that time half
the people had empty gums, and bone dust
factory In the neighborhood doubled its number
OF workmen so as to grind up the teeth. While
the people were waiting for the dentist to fit
them with their new sets, the abandoned scoun.
drel eloped with the hotel-keeper's w;f r '. and
now there are two or three thousand peonle in
the town who cannot eat anything tona geutI ~
soup or farina: All the butchers have fs ;Ld"
and not cracker has been sold for s;x 11eaI
One man, it is said, Whitfield out set If wead
en- teeth for himself; but the first drink Mt of
whisky he took-Warrenton whisky-set tbe y,
in blaze, and his funeral came off the next
dav Tho dontict mi loo, n. - "SAe