Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1871-01-05
Fact and Hunlor.
Female gatherings-ladies rufdes.

| eROAt 70 VA thO -Oat oh' W"
/ The paper that takes-a sherif's war
rant.
i The music of the uuion--the WEDDING
march.
The dearest spot on earth-The -tore
where they don't advertise.
Flesh does not indicate strength any
more than skull shows brains.
Isn't it queer that contractors -bould
be employed to widen streets
Do not choose your friend by his looks;
handsome shoes often pinch the feet;
An Irish painter declares In an adver-
tisement that, among other portraits, he
has a representation of death az large
as life"
A little girl wants to know if heas are
white, because her uncle told her that
MARY had little lamb with aess as
white as SNOW"
A leading etstesman says he never
paid any attention to lies and ISLANDERS,
because "fve could be invented whilst he
was disproving one"
l "Man," says Adam Smith, ''is an ami
NAL that makes bargains No other ami
NAL does that; no dog exchanges bones
with another dog.
There is great difference 10 men; and
one measure is money. There. are other
measures but generally they are lost or
misplaced.
A Los Angeles Gall paper is "glad to
see that most of our citizens have had
sense enough to return TO the use of the
h bewie-knife."
! A one-legged young woman in Chicago
| advertises for husband similarly situat-
ID. in order to utilize the odd shoes of
the pairs she buys.
Il have lost my appetite" said gigan-
tic fellow, who was an eminent performer
on the trencher to friend. II hope"
said the friend, "no poor man has found
! it; for it would ruin him in a week"
City Gentleman-"What place are you
looking for ?" Merchant Prince-"Well.
I've been reading good deal lately, and
I've heard a good deal about Anarchy in
France, but can't find it anywhere on
the map"
$50 there's another rupture at Mount
Vociferous," said Mrs. Darlington, as she
put down the paper and put up her specs !;
1.-THE paper tells us about the burning
lather running down the mountain, but
it don't tell how it got on fire.
Sawdust pills, says an old physician,
would efeotually cure many of the dis
eases with which mankind is afflicted, if
every patient would make his own saw.
dust.
| A boy in a country school was reading
the following sentence "The lighthouse
is a landmark by day and beacon by
night" and rendered it thus; ''The light
house is a landlord by day and deacon
by night
! A writer speaks of hut so miserable
that it didn't know which way to fall, and
so kept standing. This is like man who
had such complication of diseases that
he didn't know which to die of, and so
lived on.
Somebody sent seventy-five cents to
New York firm recently in answer to an
advertisement of a method of writing
without pen or ink. He received the fol-
lowing inscription, in large tyre, on
card "Write with pencil"
A colored mail-carrier in Virginia was
recently we'll shaken by a man for kick
ing his dog. "Look-a- here, Massa," said
he, you'd better be keerful how you
shakes dis chile cos when you shakes me
you shakes de whole of de United States;
L carries de mail"
type of innocence: "One of my friends
| l. Sc T1,,,J Is,
the parlor of his country house-bow, ar
row, wings, and all complete. A visitor
indigenous to the region, looking pensive-
ly at the figure, asked the lady of the
house if shat was statoo of her deceased
infant z"
A Glens Falls, N. Y. editor makes the
following confession of high lving:-
"Our Thanksgiving turkey WAS fineI
bird it had scales on its back, and was
taken from barrel labeled No. macke-
rel"
"John how does tie Thermometer
stand ? Against the wall, dad" Il
mean how is the mercury Il guess it's
pretty we'll" "You little rascal, is it not
colder than yesterday" 81 don't know
dad but I'll go aud feel y
Ma" said an Intelligent. thoughtful
boy of nine, 81 don't think Solomon was
so rich as they say he was" why, my
dear, what could have put that into your
head ?" Because the Bible says he slept
with his fathers aud / think, if he had
been 80 rich he would have bed of his
own
A captain, one of the old school, being
at ball, had been accepted by beauti-
81 III. IS ko -, h.
delicate manner possible, limited to him
gloves. 80" was the elegant reply, "nev-
er mind me, ma'am. l shall wash my
hands when I've done dancing"
A little girl asked her brother what
was capital punishment, and he said he
thought that it was being locked up in
the cupboard with the IN and Other nice
things.
a physician being ask ed by a patient if
he thought little spi its now and then
would hurt him much, replied, 81 do not
know that little occasionally would hurt
you much but if you don't take any it
won't hurt you at all"
| Three friends met on street corner,
one of whom was as remarkable for his
good humor and genial disposition as for
bis lean figure. ut is singular" said one
of the friends, addressing him, shat d
man with so light frame can carry about
so large load of sunshine" "He is a
perfect walking-beam," added the third.
The following scene recently occurred
in one of our courts, between the Judge
and a Dutch witness all the way from
Rotterdam "What il yOur native Lam
guage ?" II pc no native" "What is your
mother topgue?" "Ich bab no mudder.
mynheer." What did you first learn ?
What language you speak in the cradle p
Il did not speak no language in de cradle
i only cry in Dootoh."
REVOLUTIONARY RELICs.-A gentle-
man residing in Bedminster township,
New jersey, has for many years been col
nd hos Ixyx l. !