Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1871-08-03
WHOLE NUMBER 223.
HUMOROUS.


to put it OH.
An Iowa woman has begun her suicide
by marking her throat where she intends
to cut whenlshe. gets her courage up.
ssDo YOU chew tobacco asked lady,
hesitating to sit down by a gentleman in
a car. @No, ma 'am, 1 don't " he replied;
'Fbut guess 1 can get you chaw if you
want one."
The only amusement of the. citizens of
Calhoun, Georgia, is that of tying tin
ware to the tails of the village dogs.
The dogs are so well trained that when
ever one of them sees an oyster can in
the street he backs up and waits for some
one to tic it on.
A physician of Springfield was hur-
riedly called away from the dinner-table
recently by a messenger, who made the
following request: sThere has a feller
fell into 81 drain and got drownded and
we've got the water outen him, and now
want you to come and get the mud out
what's into 'im.''
A very staid and respectable citizen
was found yesterday by the police wal
lowing in ST. Charles street sewer. He
was covered from head to foot with mud,
and presented sorry spectacle, indeed.
''What are you doing there ?" inquired
| the inquisitive metropolitan.
"Resting,' was the laconic answer.
NYou choose a wet place?''
| eyes. Pm wet man."
"You look like it,
"But then l stand on the temperance
line"
sHow?'' ...
't'Why, Pm full of liquor on the inside,
| and full of water on the outside" ."-Neao
| Orleans Picayune.
Methodist preachers are proverbially
facetious. A day or two since, in the
course of the trial of DR.. LaEahan before
| the Book Committee of the Methodist
Church, the Rev. Mr.. Moore made the
| statement that ga Methodist preacher had
| been hung, and more ought to be-"
whereupon a good brother promptly
asked, (which Moore?"
"Fellow trabelers,'' said a ssculled''
preacher, "ef l had been eatin' dried
apples fol- week, am den took to drink
in for mOnf, i couldn't feel more
swell'd up den / am dis minnit wild pride
and vanity at seein' such full tendance
har dis evenin'."
"Are these pure canaries 2'' asked
young gentlemen who was negotiating
for gift for his fair. t'Yes, sir" said
| the dealer, confidentially, tI raised them
| ere birds from canary seed"
The Boston Post tells us of man in
| Troy "who left a boarding house just
because a rat bit off his ear. When
people get to be that particular about
trifles, they ought to quit boarding and
| 20 to keeping house."
RIVAL FAMmIEs-T. K. Beecher of
Elmira, said some unpleasant things
Iabout III. B. Smith, elected to Congress
from Elmira district. Smith remarked
to him that those statements were con-
spicuouslY ineXact. Beecher Strengthened
back in some excitement, and exclaimed,
in decided tones, "Do you want to get in
a quarrel with the Beecher family ?"
mo SIR" said Smith, sFbut 1 want to
know if you intend to get up fight with
the Smith family ?'' An armistice was
declared after that. ,-...f-
On SPREE.-A New York corre-
spondent writes The other day the front
door of the New York Tribune Office had
to be closed for some purpose. So Hor-
race Greedy wrote on piece of paper,
Entrance on Spruce street," and sent it
down to the man who does the printing
of the bulletins to be copied. The man
lstudied over Horace's tracks all the fore
noon, and finally, in despair, wrote &c 'Edi-
tors on Spree" and posted it up. The
passers-by thought the circumstance was
not unusual, but wondered why it should
be posted up so conspicuously.
| In an amusing letter which Lord Lyt-
telton has written, with respect to a
statement in the Times, ''that, if readers
hear Lord Lyttelton speak, they would
wonder how he could be reported at all :"
his lordship says he is in a truly deplora-
BILE predicament that no one can report
what he says, and no one can read what
. he writes. His lordship is quite right
about the latter point, and it will support
III
recall the fact that when the last Reform
Bill was before the House of Lords, Lord
Lyttelton gave notice of an amendment
to the effect that no one should have a
vote who could not write his own name
legibly. The notice was handed in
writing to the Clerk of the House, who
was unable, it is said, to decipher the
signature attached to it, and could not,
therefore, say to which noble lord to at
tribute it.
A STORY EQUAL TO MONTE CHRISTIE.
A California letter to the Chicago Tribune
says: ...-r .
Alvinza Hayward is the hero of a story
equal to 'tMonte Christo." He is YER
monter, who operated with a man named
Chamberlaine in gold lead which was
full of indications, but yielded nothing
tangible. Chamberlain at last went
away disconsolate. giving Hayward all
lis LlLCISSIs 4hO 1dGICI WO1hSu dI IHO
thing for months, and was buried
deeper and deeper IN the ground, but at
last his family were next to starving; all
his laborers left him and he knew of no
friend in the world except Chamber
) laine.
"My Godr he said to this man, who
had in the meantime been engaged in
stock-raising, 'I am on the verge of a
strike. L know it. Can't you give me a
little money!"
i Chamberlaine had been on the verge
himself several times, and he shook his
head sadly. But he had $4,000, his all,
buried under hay-stack near by, and he
went and dug it up. ...-.
''Take it, old fellow,' he said, with
California heartfhess; 'do your bestP'
With this money Hayward recon-
menced, and he had worked until it was
all spent, and his men were reduced to a
bag of beans for nourishment, when to
the gloom OF hope the precious ore blazed
suddenly up; the Amador mine was the
richest in the world. When this mine
was paying $4,000 month, Hayward
made over to his friend one perfect third
it. Chamberlain retired upon 81 ,500,-
600, and moved East to educate his chill