Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1871-12-07
NUMBER 35.
A CURIOUS PERSECUTION.
to Convince n Man Of hi
IleafI.

CURIOUS PERSECUTION.
Attempt to Convince Man of his
The following story is told by the
Knoxville Chronicle, and whether it is
strictly true In all It's details is a ques-
ton on which difference of opinion is
likely to prevail. It is too good to be
lost, at any rate:
"In Baltimore, 6 short time ago, the
death of William P. Mooney was an
nounced, and day was fixed for his
funeral, to which his friends were in.
vited. It seems that there were in the
city two men named WilliamP. Moony,
each of whom had many acquaintanees
Now the friends of the living William
got an idea he was dead; and so upon
the day appointed for the funeral they
repaired to the house named in the ad-
vertisement, for the purpose of she'd
ding regretful tear or two over the
remains of their departed friend.
The existing Mooney also took q no
tion to call around, partly to see his
dead namesake and partly that he
might ascertain how it felt to attend a
funeral at which William P. Mooney
officiated IN the capacity of corpse
He arrived when the services were
nearly ended, and stood out in the ves-
tibule, waiting for them to conclude.
When all was over, some of his own
misguided friends started for the
street. They we're amazed and alarmed
to perceive right in the doorway the
figure of the man whom they supposed
to be dead! One of the party thought
it must be the apparition of Mooney :;
SO he poked it with his umbrella to as
certain if it was real. This hurt Mr..
Mooi1ey, and made him so mad that he
struck the prober of ghosts with his
cane. Then another of the party said
to him:
"Why Mooney, what are you doing
out here2 A man ought to conduct
himself better than this at his own fu-
neral!'
"Whose funeral?' said Mooney.
It's none of mine.'
"sSee here Mooney they all said,
why don't you behaves You oughtn't
to carry on so, after all the good things
the minister said about you. 1t isn't
"'Who are you talking abouts' ex-
claimed William P, Indignantly. Il
am as lively as you are!
"'Mooney, this is wrong urged the
crowd this is all wrong. You know
you are dead; you know that you fam
lily is roosting around upstairs there,
crying and going on like mad. You
ought to have more respect for their
feelings than to be standing here fight
ing. Now just go back into your coffin,
and let the procession go quietly to the
cemetery without any more fuss
"'Durn the procession!' calculated
the incensed Mooney, Z am no more
dead than you are
"'Now, it's no use arguing the point,
William said his friends. The no.
tice has been published in the papers :;
the undertaken has fixed you up COM
fortably in ice; Grape has been tied at
your door-knob; the Board of Trade
has passed resolutions of respect to
your memory they have bought nice
monument to hold you down, and
everything; SO you must be dead. You
can't 20 back to the Board of Trade.
Mr.. Mooney-now can you 2"
&c IT'S d mistake,' said Mooney {;
it's all mistake: Let me explain to
you
"'Oh, there's no need Of explana-
tion,' said his friends the corpse is
not in order. The simple fact is that
your dead man! Here's the weeping
family; there's the hearse, the under
taker the minister and the mourners,
and in the parlor stands the coffin. Now
you have got to go in and be packed up
in that coffin whether you want to or
not. Some men never know what is
best for them, anyhow. We came here
to have funeral, and funeral we are
going to have, no matter if you don't
like it. There is no use of saying you
won't, for you have got to; so come
along
"Thereupon they seized Mooney
and dragged him into the parlor. Thosa
who who witnessed the encounter say
it was terrific. The report spread that
the corpse was loose, and the under
taker and the pall-bearers all joined in
the fray, and the combat thickened un-
til Mooney broke from his tormentors,
and darted into the kitchen, where the
undertaken knocked him down with a
hat-iron and pinned him to the floor
with poker through his vitals until
assistance could be secured. The truth
was developed then, and Mooney was
carried carefully to the hospital in
push-cart. When he gets well, he in
tends to search the directory and ascer-
tain if another man named Mooney
lives in Baltimore. If there is such a
being, William P, he proposes to ask
the legislature to furnish him with
Chinese name in eighteen syllables, and
warranted unlike any other in the
whole realm of nature"