Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1871-02-23
ROYAL REyERIEs OF M. QUAD.
What He Would Do If He Were King o

What He Would Do IL He Were King OF
Spain.
In an epistle indited to and publish
ed in the Detroit Free Press NJ. Quad
observes
If should mount throne I be-
lieve that should run this king bust
ness entirely different from the manner
In which it is now conducted. 1 think
the throne of Spain would suit me,
and l haven't any doubts that would
Just suit the Spanish after few trials.
If L didn't it would be because they
contemporaries the handsome thing.
Besides having oysters and hot biscuit
three times a day, / should make
change IN the matter of cookery. If
any hotel keeper went to serving out
hash under French title two lines
long would give him little law that
he'd never forget. Soups should be
put down on the bill as soups, and if
any waiter brought in thirteen napkins
and small bit of beef as the whole of
mans dinner I'd have my prime min
lister make the fellow chew napkins all
the rest of his life. And, when trav-
eller came to settle his bill, and the
proprietor went to arguing the three
-per-day idea, / should send for
that landlord and ask him if he wouldn't
be content if three or four national
banks were rolled in behind the desk,
and tell him he could keep no tavern in
Spain, not while was around. As for
the clerk, if he were like some that /
know of, his lamentipa relatives would
be dividing up the estate within twenty
four hours after i was crowned King.
There's another thing which 1 have
often thought of. I'd take little rail-
road excursions, carrying sloIg fair
to medium trunk, and I'd watch the
baggage smashers. When theY put the
trunk of, and found that bot d handles
were gone, the lock broken, the lid
split, the hinges bent, the ends knock
ed in, I'd say; See here my fine fellow
/ want to see you at my Office on little
private business He'd naturally think
of the Cross of the Legion of Honor,
the red ribbon and the iron medal, but
he'd change his mind when he saw the
dangling rope and the gallcws. He'd
never smash another trTnk-not In
Spain As for ticket agents at the de-
pots, should first give them warming
I'd enlighten them little by informing
them that they could make just as many
friends, and do just as much business,
and have the road just as well thought
of, by returning civil answers to trav-
ellers and by treating men and women
as people ought to be treated. I'd tell
him once, and If he didn't concur with
my sentiments, why there'd be good
many friends around enquiring for him
next day.
There's another thing I'd do fol
Spain First I'd issue the following
call:
ESPECIAL NoTIcE.-Every Spanish
gentleman who desires to hold a fat
Office, with big pay and stealings at
tached, will please meet at my Office on
the first of February"
"They'd come. They'd come In
wagons, carts, wheelbarrows, on canal
boats, by railroad, baIioon-they'd
come riding on each others backs il
would be few respectable men hang
ing around, and I'd fix every one OF
them up with pair of cowhlde boots,
soles four inches thick. I'd call the
crowd in, one by one, and after short
Address on the subject of the general
desire to hold q very little Office for q
great deal of pay, I'd turn the gentle
men around, givea nod to the kickers,
and-well, they could call around some
other time if they wanted any more
Office
"About woman's rights, 1 think ]
should have something to say about
that. I'd get list of the females who
were gallivanting around Spain howl
ing for their rights, and d invite them
to call on me, adding that / favored
woman's rights very much. They'd call
they'd be on hand before daylight.
have thirteen mops handy, and the way
these thirteen Fighters" should
handle these thirteen mops would make
the splinters fly. OF course / would
not seek to degrade lady in any way,
but the mop was patented before wo-
mans rights, and somehow 1 neve,
think of woman's rights without seeing
a pair of pantaloons swinging in the
air before me.
81 wouldn't NEEDLE with the Span.
ish religion, not bit. But in attend
ing church I'd keep an eye around, and
it wouldn't be long before should SET
the loudest singer and most prominent
responser pinching cent before drop
ing it into the contribution box, at the
same time hoping his neighbor would
drop in dollar greenback I'd send
for the gentleman, and he could have
/ h H.. h1& l..
brick-bat or kicked with a Spanish
mule, and I'd see about his contribution
In future. There's only one more thing.
I'd go on little journey over Spain,
and call on every newspaper man
could hear of, radical or democrat,
Walking up to the chief man about the
C ncern, I'd slap him on the back and
ask after his wife and babies, and
say:
So See here, old boy, I'm running
this Spanish king business now. If you
want to abuse me or any other man, go
ahead If you hear of a mean trick,
expose it; if you want to say good
word for any body, do it. Here's few
Spanish milled dollars to help buy
combs and crockery ware for the house,
and when you want a new cylinder
press, why put my name ON the order,
and if you don't get the press by re-
turn mail I'll make a vacancy around
some printing machinery depot.
"That's how I'd be king of Spain, or
any other country. But the more
think of the matter the less am inclin-
ed to accept Of throne, for there's
Long Primer and Small Pica-all that
canleaye them to begin life with is their
fathers unfinching responsibility"
REAM's LINCOLN is thus criticized by