The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1871-04-16
Mark Twain on Yail.r Dogs.

When Noah disemharked at Ararat lie
had scarcely touched the pier when he
proceeded to tally his passengers. He
had just checked Ills last item in the list,
Mr.. and Mrs. Bedbug. when tho cring-
ing figure of q quadrupcd came snenk-
ing down tho gang-plank with his tail
between bis legs. "Drat il! if there
amt th0t yaller dog!'' says Noah, aiming
q vicious kick with his brogan at the
bsute. But. with IL facility born Of long
and bitter experience, the brute lodged
the projectile, and circulating Xxi yi''-
which is Syriac for i''deolined with
thanks or mot for Joe"--he Disappear
eel, while Nonh, who had his soa-legs on,
was. unable to recover his equilibrium,
and sat down with emphasis on the back
of his head.
Noah arose, and, in accordance with
The style prevalent among the patrinrchs,
he proceeded to soothe his affronted dig.
nifty by pronounoing variegatedanathe-
ma upon the yaller dog, which hnd cha
racteriatically sueaked, unobserved, on
board in the confusion Of putting to sea,
and oapsized the captain ut the first port.
He cursed TINT dog in body, limb, bark,
ncrntions, relations and kindred, by con-
assigns. He cursed him with endless
hunger, with perpetual fear, with peren-
NAL iaziness, with hopeless mango, with
inceasant 1eus, aud with his tnil between
his legs. He closed his stock of male
dictions by sparkling display of pyro-
technics, from the demoralizing effects
OF which the yaller dog has never re-
covered.
With this curse sticking to him likeSa
revenue stamp. the yaller dog can t help
being cussed. He don't try to help it.
He follows Noah's programme with
snenking fidelity. He is an Islimaelite
among dogs. He receives the most op-
pressive courtesies, in the form of brick
bats, boots and hot water, which make
his life an animated target excursion.
He boards around like district school
tencher. and it is meal-time with him
twenty -four hours in the day. The rest
CT The time i;c bankers aG:c. scncthins
to ent He is too omniverous for an epi-
cure. Cram him at Delmonico's, and ho
would hunger for dessert from an Abn-
ny boarding house. He can't be tilized.
He is too tired. AS a swill cart locomo-
tive, II hunter, or sentinel, lie is an
ignominious failure. Tho dog churn
was strategic attempt TO employ his
waste energies, but he hadn't an waste
energies, and butter had too mu eli self
respect to come at his persuasion. So
the dog churn was dropped.
No sausage maker dare foreclose his
lien on the yaller dog, lest his custom
ers, no longer soDthcd and sustained by
m unfaltering trust, transfer their pa
tronage to some less audacious dealer.
The snyages. who admire baked dog,
and who can even attack tripe, and ex-
plore the mysteries Of hash without dis
may, acknowledge the yaller dog to be
too much for their gastric intrepidity.
He always manages to belong to rag
ged, t0bacco-chewing, whiskcy- drinking
master, whose business is swapping dogs
anu evading the dog tax. The yaller
dog is acquainted with himself, and he
enjoys the intimacy with edifying con-
tempt. He sinks along through life, on
diagonal dog-trot, as if in doubt as to
which end Of him is entitled to the pre-
oedence. He is always pervaded by q
hang-dog sense OF guilt, and when retri
butive tin-ware Is fastened to his tail he
flies from the wrath to come with hor
rified celerity which ought to be very
suggestive TO two.legged sinners of O
similar ordeal in store for thom.
The yalier dog is--.well. to speak in
italics.' he is SLOUGH. i.
l. 1itt n s------
u The Journal of Chemistry announces
thattha human body contnlus phospho-
rus enough Tor 400 boxes of matches.