The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-02-14
Il U NJ oRoUs IT E MS .

beg" The chap who sung "Ah don't
mingle," takes his whisky straight.
bag-" Are cats good to eat mother p
3" OF course they are, my son-good to
eat mice"
b1y7 The chap who wrote to his folks
to Take me home to die" got better,
and concluded to remain where he was.
neB~ The man who sung 40, breathe
no more that simple air" went into the
smoking car where the air was more mix
ed
Roy The chap who sighed " All could
I teach the nightingale" has gone to
teaching school in the country as being
more likely to afford him his hash.
pzy@ The fellow who sung, Sleep on,
my love, sleep on had probably been
out on a bender, and was fearful lest his
" love- should awake and give him rats
bey~ The man who wrote to his love,
" Am | not fondly thine own ?" found
her in the arms of a rival one night and
concluded he wasn't.
G17~ The boy who was asked. "IYhat
do you do with your clothes when you
wear them out ?" replied, "I wear them
home again, of course, you wouldn't
have a fellow go home naked, would
you? ?"
BsyH A female lecturer once said, "Get
married, young men, and be quick about
it. Don't wait for the millennium, for the
girls to become angels. You would look
well beside an angel, wouldn't you, you
brutes 2"
BeD@ A family of children in Indiana,
whenever a hunter invadcs their fathers
farm skirmish the fields in front of him
and when he fires one of the children
falls, pretending to be hit by stray shot.
Nimrod fees, and the juveniles pick up
the squirrels.
1egn And so you have taken the tee
total pledge, have ye?" said one Irish
man to another. 'Tndade, [ have, and
am not ashamed of it, aither." And
did not Paul tell Timothy to take little
wine for his stomach? ?" $50 he did;
but my name is not Timothy, and there's
nothing the matter with my stomach, be-
dadw
Hsg" A lecturer undertool; to explain
to village audience the word phenome-
non: @ Maybe you don't know what q
phenomenon is. Well, I'll tell you: You
have seen COW, no doubt. Well, COW
is not phenomenon. You have seen an
apple-tree. Well, an apple-tree is not a
phenomenon. But when you see the COW
go up the tree tail foremost, to pick the
apples, it is phenomenon.
Bsy" This was picked up on the train
below Nashville the other day: Miss
Matte want yu to talk to me rite off
now don't want no fooling about it.
am in ernest about this thing now don't
you be Frade to talk to me for they
shant no body no anything about Whot
you say to me. want you to cum right
out an tell me Whether you Love1 me
good nuff for q husband or not. as ii
rite here is the place for you my dear
Love"
D1g" A gentleman in Alabama writes
the " Drawer" that recently, in his town,
a young man was being examined by the
trustees of the township for the position
of school teacher. One of these off
cials asked the question:
Mr.. E., do you teach that the
world is round, Or fat?"
"Why, sir" replied the aspirant,
"some people believe one thing, and some
another and I'll teach round or fiat, just
as the parents please"
De8~ Mr.. Ferguson goes home drunk
for the fortieth time, and his wife holds
up her hands with vexation and indigna-
ton.
"Don' SAFER word, Liza (hic); don
SAFER word Pm goin' to buy balloon
(hic), b'loon."
"What on earth are you going to buy
a balloon, for, Mr.. Fcrguson?"
"I'll tell you (hic,) Liza. Y'see,
they've gossomany (hic), got s'many rum
shops round the store't a fell'r lhic) I
can't get home without gettin' drunk. -
| can get way with b'loon, you know.
You can come to the store an blow it up,
then you wont have t blow me up~
DS5~ A gentleman residing some miles
from the city, according to an exchange,
has been in the habit of frequently send
ing his waiting boy with a buggy back
home with tha folIom;nc. ,,,o.eoo.o