The Placer herald., 1871-04-01

J
keep us so; such though is the love Of ma
ture..
A shoddy woman, who returned from Eu-
rope with tome painting, was asked if they
were lanescapes. She said:
"No, over half Of them are wStsr scrapcs.
A wag observed on the door Of house
The names of two physicians; he remarked
that it put him in mind Of doublc-barrel
shot gun-if one missed the other would be
sure to kill.
"a mar who'd maliciously set Av to
barn, said good old Elder Poyson, "and
burn up stable full of horses and COWS,
ought to be kicked to death by jackass, and
I'd like to be the one TO do it."
An eccentric citizen of St. Louis died re-
Gently, and left in his will 81 900 to a man
who, ten years before had run away with
his wife. One of the last things he said was
that he never forgot 4 favor.
"Miss A., what is your opinion Of the
weather." 81 think it intends to clear, and
wish some folks would follow the weather's
example and clear too Mr.. b. seized his
hat, and has not been seen in that street
since.
A gentlemsAi in this city throws dice with
himself whenever he wants drink, to de-
eide whether or not he shall indulge. He
has had a run of poor luck lately, and is un-
pleasantly affected by the consequent drouth.
A drawing master, worrying his pupil with
contemptuous remarks upon his lack Of abil-
ity, ended by asking
"Now sir, if you were going to draw me,
what part of me would you commence with
first %
The boy, with meaning look into the
masters face, answered very quietly "your
neck, SIR
A little boy had great liking for the wa
ter. His mother told him not to 90 on the
the wharves or near the water-"For, Fred
dy, if you should get drowned we should
never know what had become Of you" 80,
you would, cause it would be in all the pa
pers."
"Tom, where's that counterfeit ten dol
lar bill you had while ago?' "Well, 1
never was quite clear in my mind about dat
dare bill. Some days | thought it was
bad bill, and oder days l thought it was
good bill and one o'dem days, when thought
it was good bill jes' passed it away"
At church fair in Kansas City set Of
bed room furniture was voted to your &
lady, with the understanding that, if she
was not married in year, the furniture
should be returned to the church. She is
now on the war path armed with bedstead
and you bet your boots some fellow'll have
to come to the scratch
The Bolton, Texas Journal gives the fol-
lowing;
When the colored jury was impanellsd
this week, one who was in the "sere and
yellow leaf, had on shirt that he evident
y had not changed fora month. The Judge
kindly admonished him that gentlemen Of
the jury should be more decently apparelled.
The old darkey took the court down by re-
plying: go, Lord God Almighty marse, l
aint no gentleman.
Old DR.. Stearns, of New London, in his
latter dag. kept drug store. A gentleman
one day purchased cigar of the doctor, and
lighting it, began to smoke. ''Please do
not smoke in the store" said DR.. S,
politely, 'it is against our rule.
"But you sell cigars" rejoined the gen.
tleman, "sell em to smoke, don't you? ?"
eyes, cir, we sell cigars" replied the
Doctor sharply, "and ,ce sell physic; but
| Jo,,b <,JJo ~ Ia, fba
Two travellers having been assigned to the
same bed room in crowded hotel, one Of
them, before retiring, knelt down to pray,
and confessed a long catal que of sins On
rising from his knees, he saw his fellow
traveller, valise in hand going out of tho
door, and exclaimed-''W What is the matter
what's up?" "Oh, nothing" WAS the
reply, "only | am not going to risk my life
with such a scamp as you confess yourself to
be-
JUsr as traveller was writing his name
on the register of a Leavenworth hotel, q
bedbug sailed out and took its way across
the page. The man paused and remarked
-"Well, I've been bled by St. Joe Aeas,
bitten by Kansas City spiders, and inter-
viewed by Fort Scott graybacks, but III be
ID if was ever in a place before where
the bedbugs looked over the hotel register in
order to find out where your room was"
Mr. JOHNSON, while prowling around in
an Indiana Saw mill in the dark to see what
lie could find is supposed to have found
buzz saw, from the number Of buttons and
pieces of suspenders and things found on the
foo. The absence of Mr.. johnson, and
the fact that the saw was bloody, seems to
corroborate the statement Of neighbor
that Johnson has gone to the land Of tho
leal.
A darkey asked colored brother, "Why is
intoxication like wash bowl? ?" "Case il
am de basin, answered Sambo
A woMAS's pride and sailors guide--th-