The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1871-02-21
II U M oRoUs EMS

me pare ov esq Toad Shooze. N. H."
D6s~ A little girl was heard to wish the
other day that she was boy, so she could
swear when she dropped her books in the
mud.
DG-" You want nothing, do you ?" said
Pat. " Bedad, an if it's nothing ye
want yell find it in the jug where the
whisky was"
BSy" Boy, why did you take those
shingles last Sunday?" Because moth
er needed some kindling wood, and did
not want to split wood on Sunday"
B9y~ An Irishman upon seeing squir-
rel shot from a tree, said, "Faith and
what waste of powder. The fall itself
would have killed the squirrel"
Bsg" Old Moneybags says that girl
with an income of three thousand dollars
year or more is always an object of in
terest because she has so much principal.
Bag" A young lady of Troy advised a
gentleman friend not to take fat-irons to
bed with him as they would warp his
feet! The stupid fellow did not know
enough to take the hint and propose
Bay A new leaf in the family history
Jack: "Now, I'll be papa going to
fix the furnace" Sallie: "Oh, yes
And I'll be the new nurse, and you must
kiss me behind the cellar door,"
Ds5~ Mrs. Partington was askod,-
" What church do you go to?" "To
any pardoxical church" said the old la
dy, looking over her spectacles, "where
the divine word is dispensed with"
DGy" Some naughty boy in Penn Yan,
the other day, ornamented an old, poor,
gothic-framed horse, hitched to an avn
ing post, with stolen card-sign which
read; Oats wanted inquire within"
Bsl@ Patrick, you fool, what makes you
stale afther that rabbit whin yer gun has
no lock on it 2"
Hush, hush, darlint, the rabbit don't
know that w
ne5~ A Minnesota lady, named Had
wig Kousehkourousika, has cheerfully
changed her name by marrying Mr.. Hell
Dambroger. 1t is to be hoped the mans
parents were not profane.
Bsy" An unmarried friend declared to
us the other day, with an expression of
countenance most lugubrious, 81 never
cared farthing about getting married
until l attended an old bachelor'ss funer-
alp
Beg~ BE you good p asked little
chap of Miss Bud, his Sabbath school
teacher, the other day. "Oh, no." was
the becoming reply. " You amt! Well,
knew you wasn't pretty, but I always
thought you was good"
Bsg~ A New York belle who was pur-
chasing some gloves, told the clerk she
wanted to have them of "subdued
mouse color" The clerk said they were
all out of that shade, but suggested in
furiated rat" as a substitute.
Bay A traveller who has crossed the
Atlantic tells story of storm, when
the rain poured down in such torrents
that the ocean rose ten inches. There's
no mistake said he; because the cap
tain kept mark on the side of the ves-
SELL"
B3S" What is the difference between an
auction and sea-sickness One is the
sale of effects, the other the effects of a
sail. And why do physicians have a
greater horror of the sea than any body
else ?-because they are more liable to
see sickness"
Bay" A Halifaxer at fair, offered a
young lady ten dollars for curl from
her head. To his surprise she promptly
cut it off and transferred it. A friend
subsequently blasted the purchasers tri-
umph by telling him that she made q
good thing Of it, as the whole wig only
cost her So,
BS5~ A lady in London got the idea in
her head that the devil was in her head
and hung herself
If women go to hanging themselves
for little thing like that, they are 60
ing to be mighty scarce, that's all.
bag" A lady in Memphis not exactly
posted on the d" disfranchised," was told
that Mr.. Smith was DISTINGUISHED, and
she wanted to know how long he had
been So" On being informed that he
had been so about four years, she said
she didn't see how that could be, for Mrs
Smith had child only tloo gears old.
nFa5" A wag was requested by an old
lady to read the newspaper for her He
took it up and read as follows:
Last night Yesterday mornino obout