Dallas herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1849-1873, 1871-04-08
Monkey ana Man,

III hN. tuiAhNl 10 ~ hNN N"'''N ="
Alexander, which accounts for hl'
being designated A, Pope instead al
a Pope, aud happily frees the sub
soribsr irom any suspicion OF lrrevr
ersnee. This isanolher Illustration
Of ,he advantage OF a blgeapllal--
Only let q man be in u position u
use that, aud If no is moderately
smart il will keep him free fronl
suspicion Of any sort.
Hut there was considerable differ
eneo between Mr., Pope'S idea about
the study of man aud those Of the
person named Darwin, who dcyotes
himself Ia the pleasant work Of
showing that cyorybodys grand
mother was u monkey, or possibly
a Goldfish.
A glance at part Of Mr., Darwin's
last book has opened 20 my minds
eye mn enormous field for spocula'
lion, and | have almost made lu-
nalio of myself trying to work II,
You see, Darwin is not quite sure
that our grandmother tdsa monkey
If no felt no doubt on the subject,
but was absolutely clear in his head
about it, then Of coufse the whole
thing would be settled. But he
isn't clear. lle leaves the matter
unsettled, and that'H how il comes
that my mind has been fcarfnlly
tortured in trying to find out what
sort of thing the old lady actually
was, and whether VIC arc really OF
animal or vegetable origin.
Any number Of hypothesis come
up when | am thinking about it,
and bothers inc so much that tear
my hair and stamp around and run
n desperate risk of being ordered
out OF tho house by my landlady,
who cant bo got to take any more
interest in this important sub ject
than if it were an unconscious clam.
1t is astonishing how indifferent
some persons can bo to things that
absorb the whole intellectual machi-
merry of others.
At tho breakfast table tho other
day | brought the subject Forward,
Il had been sitting up for three
nights, trying to figure something
out of it, and naturally it was up
pUtmost in my heart,) and the in
PRODUCTION of it came near bringing
oil Ii coolncss. ] got it under con
s;defation in quiet ingenious sort
of way by saying to Mr.. Bultinch
"Was any one Of your ancestors
a calf?"
Bul6nch is GENERALLY harmless
kind of person, with n tendency to
idiocy. but upon that occasion he
showed spirit. He aimed about
half u pound of hash at me, and the
consequence was picturesque look
ing map on the wall behind whore
/ sat. 1t was evident that hs did
not see the drift of My question, so
| said:
"Sir, your conduct Us unpardona-
ble;' | am making Investigations in
regard to the origin of the species,
and it was solely in tile interest of
science that l asked The Question:
| now repeat it, sir, and | beg you
to inform me if you know whether
any of your ancestors was u ealfI "
Thon he did get mad, never
saw anything like it. Lilo got up
and shook out his hair, and pranced
around the table, and it took four
boarders to hold him until he cooled
off. 1t was no use trying to get
any information out of him, so |
turned to another boarder; Mr. W Wot-
fes.
"Woffles," l said, "it strikes mo
that you must be Of vegetable ori-
gin; that hair Of yours is what they
call carroty; your nose is u turnup:
and | have heard some speak OF you
as a beet. Don't you think, now,
there might have been SOME cabbage
heads in the original branch OF your
tamily?"
Twas interesting to observe Wof-
fles while I was making these OBJ
1t seemed es though
some one had put y hot frying-pan
under him, he squ;rmed and moved
around SO, and made such hideous
faces. Whom l got through he just
gave ono wild glare at me, and made
4 dash for the water pitcher, and as
thought he was threatened with
apoplexy or something Of that sort,
grabbed the pitcher first, and let
him have the contents over his head.
They took him up stairs in u truly
condition.
Old Turbot was the subject Of my
next effort to get at some facts in
ethnology. He is queer looking
chap, Turbot is, rather eccentric,
and with a mouth very much like a
Goldfish. All the boatders make fun
of this old man right to his face,
lust because he is deaf. j have often
pointed out to them the sin of ma
king game of q venerable codger
like him, but they say they don't; (;
that his name shows that he is game
afyway. But L don't agree with
them in this. l don't believe that
Turbot is game fish; but it is no
use arguing with these ignoramuses
about anything.
Well, | yelled at old Turbot,-
tt Have you read Darwin, sir?"
And the old gentleman said
" Young man, you just let those
things alone and pass that butter,
il you please"
" What do you think of clans,
sir?" / tried to speak about forty
Ave degrees above zero this time.
No; ] did not say ham-butter.
Moving closer to him, l put my
mouth near his ear and yelled again.
"Do you consider it likely that
any portion Of the human race is
descended from the clam? Now,
when we come to weigh different
theories and speculations in The
s.al.u