The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-01-21

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USCKLLANEOUS ITEMS
BE(B)HoLDKzs-HiyeG
Coon motives
STEADY % m PEas-A shoemaker.
tn nksr THING our-An aching tooth.
WxATHER STRrs"!Tattered avn
ingA
aRo111xa srocx.n-Cattle on Rail.
wayA
! A foIlcY IN the Warrington Life brings
contentment az11z1s
+ NEVER tell secrets IN corn-feld-just
think Of the ears!
WArTKR's EPTrAPH.-He couldn't wait
any longer-so he went.
THE man who works with awill-Ths
Probate Judge.
WHEN does cabbage beat beet in
growingi When it gets ahead.
WHY is badly conducted hotel like
fiddle! Because it is vile inn.
THERE is nothing like adversely to
bring q man out-at the knees and elbows.
"GENTLY the dews are DER me steal
ing" as the man said when he had five
due bills presented to him at one time.
A YOUNG lady who drew a gentleman's
wrapper at . recent concert in Water
bury, Conn, now wants gentleman to
pat 1t on.
| A NEVADA CRY merchant advertises:
odd rags of greenish hue, embellished
with Chase's photographs, cheerfully &C
cepted in payment for stock" -
ALWAYS turn your toes outward, and
your thoughts inward; the first will keep
you from falling into the gutter, and the
last from falling into iniquity.
MRS. PARTMGroN has been reading the
health officers weekly reports, and thinks
total must be an awful malignant dis
ease, since as many die of it as all the rest
put together.
BEaGAR-woMAN: "Please, sir, give me
q penny to keep me from starving T"
Gent: "Can't stop; in hurry I've got
to make a speech at the Society tor the
Relief of the Destitute"
WHETHER you are to live long, or to
die soon, it is wise to insure your life in
the Washington; for if you are to live
i lOuks q UOLCy Ol ku5uI6uCS 10 CQu6l W
money at compound interest; and if you
q financial gain to your estate, proportion
ally larger.
THE Stockton (Cal) Republican relates
how the little dog of man named Taft,
who was drowned in the river at that city,
was seen the next day to dive several
times in the river at the spot where his
master sank, and finally himself disap-
peared entirely. Several days subsequent
the dogs body rose to the surface of the
water and f1oated off, and the next day
Taff's body rose at precisely the same
spot
A FRENCH paper prints the following
The wife of General x. dying suddenly
during his absence, his family was greatly
perplexed to decide how the news should
be conveyed to him. A nephew under
took the task and sought out the widower
General, my aunt is very ILL.," +" You
frighten me-" "Yes, fear we can. not
save her" "You sly dog" cried the be-
reaved husband, putting his fore-finger to
his nose, "Th bet that she's dead p
A M1sCHIEvoUs boy, having got posses
sion of his grandfather's spectaoles, pri-
vatsly took out the glasses; and when the
old gentleman put Them on, finding that
he could not see, he exclaimed, mercy,
on me, I've lost my sight |" But thinking
the impediment to vision might be the
dirtlness of the glasses, he took them of
to wipe them, when, not feeling them. he
still more frightened, cried out, "Why,
I've lost my feeling tool"
MATRMoNY is-hot cakes, warm beds,
| 60 o1l eli =
arms, red lips, kind words, shirts exulting
in buttons, redeemed stockings, bootjacks
: happiness, etc. Single blessedness is
sheet-iron quilts, blue noses. frosty rooms
ice in the pitcher, unregenerated linen
heelless socks, coffee sweetened with lei
cles, gutta-percha biscuits, rheumatism
, corns, coughs, cold dinners, collcs, rhu
barb, and any amount of misery.
A YOUNG man from the country wa
supping with some city acquaintance
chiefly females Thinking to have fun a
8 his expense, one of the girls said to him
"You country folks don't often drink gen
uine tea, and perhaps you would prefe
, the adulterated stuff. Now what kline
! would you like?" "If it's all the same t,
g you, ladies'" he answered, "rll take a lit
! tie civil-tea, mixed with modes -tea-a com
E bination l see you have not got"
AT Watertown, N. Y, a jury was re
!, Gently impaneled to try an importan
! murder case. One of the men selecte,
e was nearly 40 years of age, had live
i. within thirty miles of WATERFOWL nearl,
all his life, but was never in the place un
til summoned as juror. More than that
he had not had a newspaper in his hous
for the past eight years; and two of hi
. colleagues had not taken q newspaper 70
: many years.
THE number of sheets issued by tn
f Chicago daily and weekly press dutin,
I. the past year was about 81, 49,, 600, whicl
would make pile Of paper 81, $50 feet, o.
E (3S3J NEARLY four miles high, and fill a cubi
!, space of 4625 feet on each side. The az
2 gregate area of the reading matter fur
nished on this Immense pile is 619 Csc, 90,
square feet or 14,225 acres Even this il
far ffom representing the aggregate of tn,
printing done In Chicago, on the 2sO diff
ferent publications issued here, as dailies
weeklies, or mopthlfes, to say nothing o.
; books. If We should include these, and
|. the Job printing, the above figures would
, be at least doubled Chicago 1rjsxne.
A NEW JERSEY farmer lost his wife tn,
f other day. After the funeral one of hi
/ old friends came to take tea and condole
. with him. The widower dilated upon the
virtues of the deceased and exclaimed
"But wasn't it beautiful funeralf
EYES," replied the friend, every interest
ing indeed" "Quite a crowded house
wasn't it, thought" asked tie mourner
"Very, very; quite a success" groaned
the friend. "Did you notice the hymn /
wasn't it touching?" queried the wild.
over. "Very, very /; I jined into it with
all my heart" replied the guest. "Yes,
, and so did l." said the bereaved man
"the corpse picked it out. She alters
loved that hymn"
A wELL-DREssED man, of easy and as
sured manners, took seat in Bowery
restaurant and eat literally of the most
expensive dishes on the carte Having
concluded his dinner, he coolly laid his
expensive ticket on the pay counter, and,
looking the proprietor steadily in the eye,
said: Please accept this ticket from me
have no money" "No money!" said
the irate landlord. "Why then did You
eat nay vittles?" Because / was hungry"
Yes, but you could have got along with
less; what did you eat the best there was
in the house for! If you're q beat and q
beggar, why didn't you take plain fod-
der" Because" said the stranger, 81