Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1870-09-03
MISCELLANEOUS.
Jake Hinkle's Failings.


IL the village of Washington, Fayctte Coun'
ty, Ohio, there was a transient sort Of person
age, kind of floating farmer, named IIinklC
Jacob Hinkle-commonly called Old JdEc
HRIls Jake was, originally Dutchman
a Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman
aud that was about as Dutch as Holland and
saur krout could well make human critter.
Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or had squatted OIL
a small patch of land, beyond old mother
Rodgers bottom" that is, about mile east
Of the Rattlesnake Fork" of Paint Creek
which every laundering fool out West knows
empties itself into" Big Paint" which final
ly rolls out into the MuSkingum, and thence
into the Ohio. Very well, having settled the
geographical position Of Jake Hiukle, let me
90 on to state what kind of "critter " Jake
was, and how it came about that he was pro-
nounced dead one cold morning, and how be
came up to town and denied the assertion.
Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as mos
people do in the interior of Ohio and Kentucky
he loved corn whiSkey more, and this love
many time brought Jake up to the Court
House Of Washington. through rain. hail and
snow, to get nipper, ill his jug, and 80 home
Now, in the West it is a custom more honoTed
in the breach than in the observance, perhaps
for grogshops, of the village to pay all sorts oI
fantastic tricks upon old codgers who come W
to town. or down to town, hitch their horses tC
the fence and there let the "critters stand
from 10 \. NJ. to l2PM., more or less, and lon
ger. The popular dodge is to shave the horse:
tail, turn it loose and let it 90 home. Ofcourse
that horse is not soon seen in the village again
as a horse with shorn tail is about the mean
est thing to look at, except singed possum OF
a dandy-you ever did see.
One very cold night in January, 80, Jake
IIiuklc came down to the Court House,
hitched his horse to the Court Square fence
and made a straight bend for Sanders " Gro
cery," and began to wood up Old Jake's
tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when
well oiled with corn juice, could rip into high
and low Dutch ike nor'eastcr into field OF
broom-corn. Jake talked and talked, and
drank and talked, and about midnight, the
cocks growing, the stars winking and blinking,
aud the wind nipping and whistliDg around
the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and others
that he was going to shut up the concern, and
the crowd must be " putting out" Jake made
a break for hisn nag, bu: she was gone. " Why"
says Jake, she's broke der bride and gone
home, and by Shure l shall walk, and off
Jake put, through the cold and mud. -.
Next morning when the Circlevilo stage
came along between old Marin Roderss ' bot
tom and the Rattlesnake Fork of Paint the
driver discovered poor old Jake laid out
stiff and cold as wedge! Alas poor old
Jake! Gone Quite gloom hung over the
grocery. Jake was an inoifensiye, good old
fellow, nobody denied that, aud certain young
" fcl.ers who had shaved the tail of Jake IS
mare the night previous and set her loose, now
felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor Of
tie Ary,8 Of Freedom came down to the gro
Gerry to get his morning nip" heard the news,
went back to his office, " set up Jake's obitu-
ary notice, pitched in few sorrowful phrases,
and then put his paper to press that after
noon, the whole edition of some two hundred
copies, were distributed about among subscri-
bors aud dead heads" and Jake Hinkle was
pronounced stone dead, pegged omi
Two or three days afterward, man covered
With mud and sweat, came rushing into Wash
ington. lie paused not nor turned not right
nor left, until he found the Office of the argus
Of Freedom, where he rushed in, and confront
ing the editor, he spluttered forth, " You der
printer of dish paper-der nooshpaper ?"
Yes" tie responsible, 81 am the man" "
looking little wild.
"vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for
you'n make me deaf ?"
Me Make you dead ~ says the no little
astonished editor.
Yaas :" bawled out old Jake, for it was he
-" You'n tell de people diet; it's a lie And
do you neber DO it again and fool de peoples,
riLlom you get an ,rritten order from nee p
That editor ever afterwards, insisted on see
ing the funeral before he recorded an obituary
notice.