The Union and journal. [volume] (Biddeford, Me.) 1858-1882, 1870-05-13

me surss way to lose your health Is 10 i*p


fhe urest way to lose your health Is 10 keep
drinking other peopae'a
A Seheneetssiy Justice lately Decided chat =
verbal contract requires stamp.
A lady Describing IN ai-,emper~i man. said:
"he never smiles hat he seems ashamed % IL
OF q certain music TEACHER. convicted. OF
swindling, the Judge gravely remarked. The
whole tenor Of his life has been oass.'
Comfort for demccrsts-Josh Billings says !;
eft strains . msu's philosopher the wust kind
tew lah when he gifts beat"
Arr,cler peroeivipg two crows flying side BY
side. said. "Ay, that Ia just as Il should be. I
hate to zee one crow over another"
A young lsdy's letter TO friend closed !:
'.Bat must stop, fSr herr comes . soph, who
parts his hair in the middle. and wears NOUS
tschsShat pricks drsadfal.''
A Poughkeeps;e teacher puuishes his pupils
by compelling them 10 run 400 timss around
the school-house. That Is the way they purs ne
knowledge. sr-.l s..... 0.E. .
The following conundrum was cooked twenty
minutes 10 make Il sufficiently hard What Is
the difference between . donkey and the only
empire In South America, The one brays well,
the other Brasil
EmbarrsSing-"won' you let me kiss you,
little oneg' asked gentleman Of the beautiful
daughter OF q beautiful mother, a. he Was tax
ing leave Of her in the cars. ."wculdn't you
rather kiss mother 70 Vas the arch reply.
A lcafsr, on hearing that they charged Eve
dollars day for board In California. said he
would 70 there and i've. a. he WISHED 10 get In
some place where he could gct his board chsrg-
cd TO him. Lie Il not particular about the
price.
s"wsr, )" said Douglass JerroM TO the collect
or Of . fund in behalf Of suffering friend,
chow much does - want this time ~
..why, just four and two nsugbts VII, think,
put him straight" ths bearer Of the hat re-
piled "well.' sid Jerrold. "put me down
for one Of the naughts." ~ 7
Ats dinner party. the other night. Senator
Nye put his new silk tile carelessly upon the
sofa. few minutes sftsr the veteran phloso-
pher. Greeley, sat down and crushcl the hat
fearfaIly. "D-u IT," roar~l Nye, 81 could
have toll yoa Il wouldn't Ct before you tricd Il
ou.''
THAT'S good gun % yours, stranger; hut
Uncle Dave here has one that beats IT," "Ah |!
How far win Il kill q hawk with No. 6 sbotf'
"I don't uss shot, or ball either" answered
Uncle Dave for himself .'rhen what do you
use. Uncle Davey" ~ shoot silt altogether.
kill my game % Ear OF with. my gun that.
without SALT the game would spoil before
could get t."
Mark Twain produces one Of the most strik-
ing cases Of nsesnnesy on record. He says be
knows Of an incorporated society which hired =
man TO blast . rock. and he was punching pow
der In with crovbar, when premature expio
sion followed, sending the man and crowbar out
of sight. Both came down again all right. and
the man went TO work again promptly. But
though he was gone only 6itecu minutes, the
company 'dockei him for lost time"
A waggish journalist. who Is often merry
over his personal plsinness, tells this story on
himself: 81 went to chemist the other day
for some morphine Cor sick friend. The As
sistant objected 10 giving u 10 me without
TO commit suicide. "Pshaw. do look like .
man who would kill himself,' Gazing steadily
ct me moment. he replied, 81 don't know. II
seems to me u looked like you, I should be
greatly tempted TO kill myself" H
Three brothers, bearing remarkable rcsem-
6lsnce to each other. recently went into the
same barber shop. and on the same day to be
shaved; one going In the morning. another at
noon, and the third at night. When the last
one appeared, the barber, who was q German,
dropped his razor in astonishment, and exclaim-
ell "vell. dat man has lie fastest beard I never
saw; shaycs him dis morning, shaves him at
dinner times, and he comes back now NIT his
beard 80 long as never yash!' r.H
A popular auctioneer named Barton, OF Prov
idence. Rhode Island, rrlisbesa joke, rs most
men Of that profession do. A few nights since,
rs he was selling q lot OF goods in q crowd.
among whom wer not a few Of the unwashed,'
an freshman, Mike, csme IN with lighted pipe,
and took a seat IN close proximity TO him. AZ
ter enduring IL for while, Barton cried -
"Mike. what are you smoking such pipe as
that here fort Take IL out from under my
nose" Now Barton's nose Is nota short one.
Mike looked up anil exclaimed, "And, Misther
Barton, where win be afther goin' TOT shall
have to 60 out Of This house y Barton saw
the point and roared with the rest. Mike sat
still and smoked on.