Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1870-10-07
CHAMBERMAlDS.
AN ESSAY BY MARK TWAIN.

age or natlonahty.l launch the curse OF Bache
iordom
Because -
They always put the pillows at tho opposite
end OF the bed from the gas burner. so tina
while you read and smoke before sleeping, las
is the ancient aud honored custom of bache
lors, )you have to hold your book aloIt in ar
uncomfortable position, to keep the light from
dazzling your eyes,
When they'6 the pillows removed to the
other end of the bed in the morning, they re-
ceive not the suggestion in friendly spirit
but glorying in their absolute sovereignty and
implying your heiplessness, they make the
bed just as it was originally, and gloat in Sc.
oret over the pangs their tyranny will cause
you.
Always after that, when they fud you have
transposed the pillows they undo your work
and thus defy you, and seek to embiter the
life that God hath given you.
Ii they cannot get the light in an inconven.
lent position in any other way, they move the
bed.
you pull your trunk out six inches from the
wall, so that the lid will stay up when you op.
en it, they always shove that trunk back again.
They do it on purpose.
II you want the spittoon in certain spot,
where it will be handy, they do not. And so
they move it.
They always put your other boots into inac-
cessible places. They chiefly enj oy deposting
them as far under the bed as the wall will per-
NIT. 1t is because this compels you to get
down in an undigni6ed attitude, and make
wild sweeps for them in the dark with the
bootjack, and swear.
They always put the match box in some 9th.
er place. They hunt up new place for it
every day and Iut bottle or other perisha.
bic thing, where the box was before. This is
TO cause you to break that glass thing cropping
in the dark, and get yourself into trouble
They are forever and ever moving the furni.
ture. When you come in, in the night, you
can calculate on finding the bureau where the
wardrobe was in the morning; if you leave the
slop bushet by the door and the rocking chair
by the window, when you come in at midnight,
or thereabout you will iall over the rocking
chair and yon will proceed to the window and
sit down in the sop tub. They like that.
No matter where you put anything, they are
not going to let it stay there. They will take it
and move it the first chance they get. 1t is
their nature. And besides, it gives them
pleasure to be mean and contrary this way.
They would die if they couldn't be villains.
They always save up all the old scraps of
printed rubbish you throw on the floor, and
stack them up carefully on the table, and then
start the fire with your valuable manuscripts.
If there is any one particular old scrap that
YOU are more down on than any other, and
which you are gradually wearing your lite out
irving to get rid of, you may take all pains
YOU possibly can 10 that direction, but it won t
he of any use, because they will always fetch
that old scrap back and put it in the same
place again every time. 1t does them good
And they use more hair oil than any six
men. If charged with purloining the same,
thew lie about it. What do they care about
hereafter? Absolutely nothing.
They keep always coming to make up your
bed beforeyou get up, thus destroying your
rest and inficting agony upon you, but alter
you get up they don't come any more until
the next day.
They do all the mean things they can think
of, and they do them out OF pure cussedness'
and nothing else.
/ have cursed them 10 behalf of outraged
Bachelordom. They deserved it. 1t L can
get bill through the next Legislature abolish
ing chambermaids | mean to do it.
THE HOUSE OF THE RnINoCEROS.
the heat of the day the rhnoceros wlthdraws
into the thickest and most retired part OF the
Jungle, where he INDUCES in mis- siesta much
after the fashion of lat Berkshire hog. On
the outside of tho jungle the hunter will pro
baby perceive an opening we'll worn by the
leet of these animals. II he follows it up he
will find the track gradually growing narrower
aud narrower the farther be penetrates in the
Jungle. 1t is rather toucby work, Tor, as Sid,
The passage not only becomes narrower and
narrower, but the sides form an impenetrable
wall on either side, from the compact net work
of the gigantic and formidable creeperS that
line them.
Very little air can penetrate, and the light
is very dim, so that great caution is required,
for should ''rhino" be at home, he will be sure
TO welcome his visit with furious charge,
whose chance of avoiding such reception, by
deviating either TO the right or lett, is infinite
simay small. But let US suppose no such con
tngency to occur. After proceeding some htty
or sixty yards, the hunter will tiuG himself IN
the "house" of the rhinoceros which is always
situated in the very deuse part OF the juogle
The dimensions of the house" may be twelve
or thirteen feet square, by about six IN height.
Perfect cleanliness rules there Dot particle
of dirt will be found in it.
Added to this, the rhinoceros has great
idea of comfort-in other words being able to
enjoy GOOD scratch. A convenient bough
will probably be seen 10 project 10 an iovltlng
manner, against which our thick skiuned friend
delights to rub himself. As soon as the eyes
OF the intruder gets accustomed to the aim,
murky light within, he will have the satlSfac..
lion of se.ing the impression Of the rhinoceroos'
burly carcass on the a!luvial soi showing the
place where last he lay. Had the brute been
''at home, y and had the visitors stcls been
noiseless and the wind favorable he might per.
chance even had caught glimpse of him as he
lay fast asleep on his side, blowing like a
wheezy steam engine.
Occasionally smaller chamber is attached to
the "house" proper, but whether it be used as
.'boudoir'' for madame or as nursery
for the "children' is unknown. They feed in
the early morning and la'e evening, Thei'
tsvorite provender appears to be the youne
.boo,s and succulent twiRs OF the trees anc
shrnhs When the sun has gone down, they
renar 10 the river for bath. They approach
the water with great caution, from fear of be
inc taken Mt a disadvantage. When they have
t"e '.NN' ~ =. ~n % saia thnu on in with