Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-05-24
Les2acb for -Hes9aeoa'Ssts.

Lss2sc7a for Has9asoa'Ssts.
Times are so hard in Wisconsin that an edi-
tor at Brandon has had three teeth extracted.
He didn't have use for SO many. Many people
there live by chewing gum.
A man at foot race the other day, ran SO
fast as to leave his shirt behind him. He was
raised in the same country as the race horse
who ran out of his hide and left it lying on the
road.
The perpetrator of the following we are hap
py to say, is deceased. He was bled to death
with hair-pins, and afterwards drowned IN cat
min tea: When are babies not babies When
they are robin redbreasts.
Lord Dorsey, an old bachelor of fort, years,
fell in love with a country girl who had wood
en- leg. She declined his hand, fearing that
her misfortune would cool down the ardor Of
his love. He went to London, had one OF his
legs taken off, came back, and found the girl
married.
The editor of the Yazoo Democrat wants to
purchase an old seventh or eighth hand rock
ng chair, or easy chair of some sort, and says
This way of writing about the political hori-
ION on an inverted barrel, may be very plctu-
rescue to casual observer, but it is hard on
the barrel.
Punchinelo says: Somebody ought to say
of Lady Macbeth that she was made childless
that no one might call her mother-in-law.-
Neat thing that By Jove! what mother-in-
law that woman would have made; or what a
landlady, with the weird sisters to prepare the
morning hash
This is what Leavenworth which is Kansas,
claims the champion belt for I'VE can turn
out larger number of people to smaller fire,
and they Il leave better dinner and run faster
and surround the confagration quicker, stay
there longer and go home wetter than any 9TH
er town IN America."
In the bull-fghting days, blacksmith, who
was rearing bull pup, induced his old father
to 60 On all-fours aud initiate the bull. The
canine pupil pinned the old man by the nose.
The son, disregarding the parental roaring, eX-
claimed, Hold him, Grower boy, hold him
bear it, feyther, bear it. it Ill be the making
of the purp."
The iazyest man can think ov now, was Is.
rael Dunbar, of Billingsvie. He dried up a
new mich COW in milkin' her three times, and
planted an aker of beans all In one hill. He is
As years Old and haint had the measles yet; he
has always been too lazy tew ketch them. He
had one son, who was just like him This boy
died when he was Is years old, In crossing 8
corn-feld the pumpkin vines took after him
and smothered him to doath.-J. Billings.
''NNhat did you come here afler?" inquired
Miss Susan Draper Of bachelor friend. who
made her call when the rest Of the family had
gone cut. i came to borrow some matches, F"
he meekly replied. Matches? That's like
~ story. Why don you make match?
know what you came for" exclaimed the de-
Eghtfui miss, as she crowded the old bachelor
into corner; you came 20 kiss me and hug
me almost to death but you shan't unless you
are the strongest, and the Lord knows you are. .
A man in Pointsville married widow with
nine children He had four Of his own; and
at family worship the other night he prayed
for ''his II, but wonldn't offer solitary petit
ton for bern - This made her down right
mad and she rallied on him with the whole of
her DiUe offspring The encounter was brief,
but decisive, The husband retired in bald
headed manner, with the marks of skillet on
his noble brow The widow prays for her own
offspring now, but the man is browsing around
for divorce He says he don't care a cent for
the Joys d married Life any nl0re-n0t single
cent.
4 GALLANT DARKEY -''Dey may rail agin
women as much as dey like said darkey
lately, day can t set me against them, [ hab
always in my life found dem to be fust in hub,
fust in a quarrel, fust in de dance, de fust in de
ice cream saloon, and de fust, best and last In
de sick room. What would we do widout dem !?
Let us DC born as young, as ugly, as helpless as
We please. and woman S arm am open to re-
cebe US. She am it who CUB US our fust dose
OBJ castor oil, and puts close upon our he'll pless-
" naked limbs and cubbers up our foots and
noses in long flannel petticoats, and it am she
as we grew up, fills our dinner baskets wild
doughnuts and apples as We start to school,
and ticks Us when We tear our trousers.
The Albany Express has some subscribers
who don pay for their papers. The Express
bids them goodbye In the following terms
This week We struck from our list only fifty
subscribers who will not pay their dues to the
printer. In doing SO, we take them by the
hand, and, with tears in our eyes, bid them an
aifectionate farewell, Good bye. old subs +
Take care OF yourselves. Sometimes think Of
the Express which You have read so long for
nothing. Sponge upon some other printer now
for awhile. A change of diet will, doubtless be
good for you. Poor old fellows we are a little
sorry to turn you out upon the dark night,
without lamp but it must be So Strike for
the nearest neighbors light. He may LET YOU
In and Iced you for a year or two, upon the
strength of your honorable promises to paw at
the end of that time. For ourselves, we have
enough Of those curious pledges to supply our
cabinet for the present. We have labelled
them carefully and they are open to general
inspection. With many thanks for your self
sacrificing indulgence of US, and for your hon
est appreciation of the obligation existing to-
wards cur ONCE, we again, and finally, say
farewell forever
Nor THE PERSON. Yesterday evani,c
rather seedy-looking Individual appeared of the
central station and inquired if he conld he hon
ored with an interview with the chief of nol;ca
and being replied to in the affirmative was woS
shown into the private Office
what can | do for you?' inquired the Of.
fetal. ''0 Vi
care you the chief?''
eyes p
Can l speak to you privately?'
"Yes-speak out p
''Will no one hear us?''
"Nor'
Are you sure p
yes
"Well, then, listen as [ was crossing Gal
vez Canal last night, about u o'clock. t saw .
woman approach the back with babv in her
arms, looking carefully around all the while f.
see if she was followed, and then when right At
the EDGE, stopped and"
Threw the child into the canall'' exclaim-
ed the appalled, officer, his face white with bor-
ror.
''No," replied his visitor, washed its FACET
"See here, my friend quietly remarked the
chief I'm not the person you want; the fool
killer is outside. ''-Rcayune