The Union and journal., 1870-01-07

Afan-hcod-A hat.

Man-hcod-A hat.
Gorgeous arrsy-Dinner drea.
Aligat employment Cleaning windowa
The rightfhl heir-.Not the chignon.
A creation Of the fAney-A black eye.
Ata recent Methodist camp meeting In Con-
necticut minister prayed "ob. Lord, humble
Us, break Us all down, smasA Us az 10 pisess :"
"whoss pigs are those. my iad'" "why,
they belong to that ere big SOW" "No,
mean who Is their mastsry' ''why, that little
'un he's rare 'un to hght."
My hrst Is what lies at the door my second
Is kind Of corn my third is what nobody can
do without, and my whole Is one Of the United
States Mslri-mony.
"I say, Pete. when my little boy git his hair
cut, Why ort dat to Be regarded as great phe-
nomena"
''I don't know. BIN"
eco, Il am dc Eclipse Of lie sun 70
The wabasaa (wisconsiu) Herald, speaking
Of the qualifications Of candidate for the Office
Of coroner. says: "He will sit On corpse with
more real ability and grace than any other man
Of our soquaintance."
A Beaver county CPennsylvania) elder, long
.go. who was asked By the congregation to pray
for rain. began his supplicatiou to the Almighty
with. 1--WE would not presume TO dictate, but
would merely suggest"
An indianapolis councilman in . recent speech
said. "Any jndge who would issue such an or
der q that Of Judge Hines is . jackass!" For
getting himself little further on, he added,
"And am the peer Of such manr'
A clergyman addressed his female auditors as
follows: "Bc not proud that our blessed Lord
paid your sex the distinguished honor Ofappear-
ing nrst to female after resurrection, FOR il was
only that the glad tidings might be spread the
sooner"
A raw Jonathan who had been gazing ut
garden in the vicinity Of New York. in which
were several marble statues, said "Just zee
what waste Here's no less than SIX scarecrows
In this little ten-foot patch, and any one Of 'em
would keep the crows from 6vc-aere lOt.''
A Paris policeman, the other day. being sum
moned into the presence Of man who had just
shot himself dead after severely woundins
lady, displayed his anxiety to arrive at the facts
in the case by exciteily demanding Of the only
surviving witness Of the fray, "Did this man
kill himself before he drci at this lady or not 70
While an ignorant lecturer was describing the
nature Of gas, abluo-stockins lady inquired Of
gentleman near her, what was the difference
between oxygin and hydrogini
every little. madame" said he {; "by oIygin
We mean pure gin, and by hydrogen, gin and
water"
A physician. on being inquired Of concerning
friend, replied that he had been arrested for
taking what did not belong to him, and what he
had no business to meddle with"
"By whom was he arrested. and what did he
taker'
"Hc was arrested BY death for taking the ty-
phue fever
Horace Greeley S chirography Is as difficult to
decipher rs q manuscript copy Of the Koran.
During the excitement attending the Presiden-
tial election, he had occasion to expose some Con-
gressioual frauds, and quoted the line
"'Tis true, 'ts pity, and pity 'tis, tits true"
On receiving the proof. the philosopher was
L.
"'ris two, tits any, and any It's, It's Ave-"
II you should ever meet with an accident at
table, endeavOr to be composed. A gentleman
carving 4 tough goose h,d the misfortune to
send 1t entirely out Of the dish into the lap Of
young lady who sat next to him, ON which he
looked her fnll in the face. and said with the ut
most eoolness, "Madame, will thank you for
that goose"
Some mischievous boys in Cincinnati stole the |
intcvtin-s Of a hand organ which belonged to
deaf man. The next day the grinder kept on
turning As usual, producing Of course no audi
BILE sound. but the by-passcrs liked his silent |
music 50 much better than the noisy kind, that
he found Il profitable to eight Il out on that
line" His example ought TO be initiated.
The following isan actual valentine sen. by a
country GENTLEMAN to his intended:
DkAR si
Our lives arc joined together
As they never have been before,
Our hearts are joiped together,
Liko the slamcse twins OF yorc.
There's Ito which never will sunder,
spliccd on ffom heartscore 10 core,
'ris tho tie OF true love, by thunder.
Dearest, what would'st thou have more'
Ayoung countrywoman, making application
for situation as governcss, and being asked
how she would treat teething children, said
"when child persists in crying, or, in the Ian
guage Of the nursery, becomes fraetiOus, oil one
has to do Is to turn II upside down and thump IL
on the back-you can have no idea how quiet all
children win become under this treatment. AT
first they cry louder than ever, but after time
they give kind Of gasp. and when most Of
their breath has been judiciOusly thumped out.
thsv 90 a altovcfher %