Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1870-03-28
THE INCOME TAX.
uark Twain's Interview with an As
SCISSOR, and W hat Came of IT.

e..
From the Buffalo Express1
The first notice that taken of me when
settled down, recently, was by gentleman.
who said he was an assessor, and connected
with United States Internal Revenue Depart
ment- said had never heard of his branch
81 business before, bat was very glad to see
him, all the same-would he SIT down? He sat
down. did not KNOW anything particular to
say. and yet felt that people who have arrived
at the dignity OF Keeping house must be CONVEX
sstiOnal, must be easy and sOciable in company.
SO In default of ANYTHING else to say, 1 asked
hood.
lie said he was. RI did not wish to appear ig-
nOrant but had hoped he would mention what
lie had for Sale.l
.. ventured to ask him /" how was trade?"
and he said. - SO-~o.'
then said We would drop in and if we liked
his house as well any other, we would give
him our custom
He said he thought we would like his estab-
hShment well enough To eOnfine ourselves TO it
said he never saw any body who would 90 OIL and
hunt up another man ia his line after trading
with him once.
That sounded very cOmplacent but barring
that natural expression Oi yillainy which we ali
have, the man looked honest enough.
do not know how u came about exactly but
gradually we appeared to melt down and run
together, converSatiUnally speaking, and then
everything went along a. comfortably as clock
work.
We talked aud talked and talked-at least
did. And We laughed. and laughed. and laugh.
ed-at least he did But all the time had NV
Shrewdness turned ON ''full head" a the en-
giBeers saw. was determined to md cut all
about his business. IN spite OF his obscure an
Swers; and 1 WaS determined I would have il
out of him without his suspecting what was at
1 mean 10 tap him with deep, deep ruse. i
would tell him all about nv swn business, and
he would naturally - warm to me during this
seductive burst of confidence that he would tell
me all about his affairs before he suspected
what was about. thought to myself, My son,
YOU little know what an old fox you are dealing
with. i said:
Now YOU never would guess what 1 made
lectuIing this winter and last spring?
NO-dOn't believe i could to save me. Let
me ses-let me see About two thousand dol
lars maybe? But no-no, sir, L know you
couldn't have made that much. Say seventeen
.sHa-ha, 1 knew you couldn't. NV lectur-
ing receipts for last spring and this winter were
fourteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dol
lars-what do YOU think of that ?''
why it is amazing-perfectly amazing
will make note of IT. And you say even this
wasn't all ?''
"An? Why bless you there was nv income
from the BufalO Express for four months
abOut-abOut-well, what should you say TO
about eight Thousand dollars for instances
Say! Why i should like to see myself roll
ing in just such another ocean OF atfiuence.
Eight thousand! III make a note of it. WHY.
mainland on top of all this am to understand
that you had still more income?'
- Ha-ha-ha! Why, you're only i'm the SUI
buTbs of IL, SO To speak. There's nv book,
The InnOcents AbrOad'-price $3.50 10 IS, ac-
me in the eye. During the last four months and
half, saying nothing of the sales before that
but Just simply during the four months and a
half ending March 10, 1870, we've sold ninety
five thousand copies of that book Ninety-dye
thousand. Think of it. Average four dollars
copy, FAY. Its nearly four hundred thousand
dollars, my SON. get half!'
- The suffering Moses I'll set that down.
ven-tfty-eight-two hundred. To-
tai. say-well, upon my word, the grand total
l. about two hundred and thirteen or fourteen
thousand dollars Is that possible 2"
Possible! If there's any mistake its the
other way. Two hundred and fourteen thou
sand, cash, Is my income for this year il know
how TO cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to go. Ii came
over me most uneomfortably that may be that
had made nv revelations for nothing, besides
being battered into stretching them considerably
by the strangers astonished ordinations. But
no; at the last moment the gentleman handed
me a large envelope and said IT contained hi,
advertisement; and that L would find oat al
about his business in il.
AS soon a. he was gone, opened his adver-
tisement- studied it attentiveiy for four
minutes. then called up the cook and said:
4" Hold me while faint. Let Maria turn the
batter cakes"
Bye and bye, when i came to- / sent down Il
the rum mill on the corner and hired an artist
BY the week to sit up nights and curse that
day-time when came 70 a hard place.
All, what q miscreant he wasi His asadver
tisemenr was nothing in the world but q wicked
Itwas plain that that stranger had enable,
me TO make an ass of myself. 1t was very. yer,
plain, and 1 went out and hired another artist
By working on my vanity the stranger had Sc
duced me into declaring an income OF STA 900
BY law, 81 900 OF this was exempt from incom,
tax, the only relief could see, and it was onl,
drop in the ocean At the legal five per cent
must paw over To the government the appalling
sum OF sl0,6Je income tax
may remark in this place, that did not DC
am acquainted with a very opulent man
whose house i a palace, whose table Is regal
whose outlays are enormous, yet q man who ha,
nue. returns; and to him i went for advice In
my distress He took my dreadful exhibition o.
receipts, he put on his glasses, he took his pen
and presto II was pAuperl Ii was the nsates
thing that ever WAS He did IL simply bv defsi,
manipulating the bill OF Deductions 30 He se
down my Estate, National and municipal taxes'
at % much; my CLOSES by shipwreck, fre etc !,
at so much; my losses ON sales OF real estate
ON "hye stock sold--on payments for rent n
hOmestead"-on '.repairs, improvements, inter
est"-on previously taxed salary as an of,icel
Of the United states army, navy, revenue ser
vice" and other things. He got astonishin,
deductions" out of each and every one of thes,
matters-each and every one of Them An
when he Wa done he handed me the pa psr am
saw at a glance that during the wear IS,g m,
income, in the way of profits, had been one hons
nd t'so A.Edrsd sad ffty ds1ars and forty cents.
90 Vow, = said he. - the thousand dollars il ex
eIapt by law. What yOu want 10 do is 10 90 ans
>veaT this document In, and pay tax on the tvf
LUrdred and fifty dollars
While he was making this speech his iittl,
bay Willie lifted twO-tOllar greenback out a
Us yest-pccket and vanished with IL; and
you'd bet anything that n my stranger were {,
eaii on that little boy tomorrow he would nal
a la!se return If his iRcome.l
=, DO you, said !, Z" do you always work uI
case, siT.''