The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1870-11-09
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'AaHA "AoShSS.- 4ue monkey lS nQ-
manybeing, little undersized, kivered
with hair, hitohed to tail, and filled
with the devil.
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask
them, that am mistaken; that I mean
we'll enuff, and don't mean to deceive
ennybody. but the monkey is not q hu-
man being; he is simply pun on hu-
manlty, a kind ov malishus joke ov Ju-
pliers, libel, with long tail tew it, q
MYSTERIOUS mixtur of ludicrous mischief
and stale humor, q kind ov pacing hob
byhoss. or connekting gang-plank be-
tween man in hiz dignity and the beast
in hiz darkness.
hav hi opinyun of the naturalist
and all kinds ov the dictionary fraterni-
ty, and tuch mi hat to them when we
meet, and I respect them for what tina
know, but don't worship them for what
tha don't know, as the heathens do thare
wooden goods.
l don't kare what the philosophers say
tina kan prove in this matter, [ tell you
confidenshally, my Christian friend, you
and the monkey are relashuns.
Idon't pretend tew say that you are
brothers and sisters, but do pretend
tew state that monkeys, or emmy other
Kind ov critters. who exercise reason,
even If the light ov it il az dim az
number six dip candle in the rays ov the
monday sun, are our relashuns, for a
certain amount.
The only fence between the animal
and brute folks liz instinkt and reason.
and if tho naturalist kant prove that the
monkey don't show a single glimmerine
OF reason, I say he must step oph from
the monkeys tail, and let him eat at the
fuat table.
The monkey liz initiative tew the high
est degree, and imitashun liz q direkt
transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and
IL fallow ground within the domain ov
reason.
Instinkt don't step one single step
aside tew smell ov flower or pull a cats
tail.
But argument amt mi fighting weight.
1 git along the best by asserting things
az they strike me, and I say upwards ov
1000 things every year that I kant
prove emmy more than kan prove what
melody iz.
The naturalists may hav their own
way, but they kant hav mine; what little
know about things haz been whispered
tew me by the spirits ov some other
romplng critters, and liz az distinkt and
butiful, sometimes tew me NJ dream
on an empty stummak, it may be all
wrong but 1t never liz vicious, aud thus
konklude it liz edukashun.
Now don't advise ennybody else tew
depend for their learning upon sich pre-
karious school-masters, the best way is
tew follow the ruts, it will take you tew
town just az it did yure daddy.
The route that travel IL cirkuitus and
nfIC 1,o, 4 ~
vista. or landscape in it, that il worth,
tew me, more than a farm ov tillable
land, but you kant raise good white beans
on o landscape.
Whenever drop mi subject, aud begin
tew strut in the subourbs of sentimen.
tility and proverbial pomposity, alwus
think ov gobble turkey, in barn
yard, on dress parade, and that il list
what am thinking ov now. and there
fore will dismount from the turkey and
get aboard the monkey, (the monkey rs
he am, once more.
Pure deviltry il the monkeys right
bower; he il only valuable (as personal
property tew look at, and wonder what
he IL going tew do next.
He IL jack at all trades; put him in
barber ship, he will lather, and try tew
shave himself, and color his mustash;
put him in dri goods store, and he
will handle more goods than the best re-
tail clerk in A. T. Stewards employ.
The monkey haz not got logikal
head; it IL tew much like pin-head,
all in heap to onst, but his face liz n
concentrated dew drop and malishus-
mischief
He resembles the rat-terrier in coun-
tenance and scratches hiz head az na-
tural az district skool boy, and un.
doubtedly for the Same reason.
Monkeys never grow emmy older in
expreshun, yung monkey looks jist
like hiz grandpapa, melted up and born
again.
They are sometimes kept rs pets, but
should rather watch two adopted op-
phan boys fresh from the Home of the
F'riendless, than two monkeys
They will eat every thing that man
will, except bolony sausage, here they
show more instinct than reason.
But after oil, tho the monkey shows
evident signs ov reason, they nre az
means practical grace, the most useless
kritters i hav ever pondered over and