Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1870-07-24
JOSH BILLINGS pAPERs.
4 Loose Hit EpistIe.

y Loose hkt EpiSfle.
Dear Brigham: Excuse this perapa
tetick letter.
am vagrant and wandercr on the
trail ov literature, and write letters
| just as spit not knowing which
way the wind blows, nor WHARF the saliva
IL going tew land.
/ want harnessed young enutf tew be
kind in all harness.
Mi disposishun waz one of the kind
that ought tew hav bin made tew turn a
grindstun; insted ov that l waz chasing
butterflize around everyboddy's mud-bole
in our naberhood, and didn't hoe emmy
korn. -a
The Oblique consequence Oy this war, i
never had emmy tape-line in me, and never
knu the square root ov ennything, unless
it waz ov prairie hogs noze.
This IL unfortunate for me, and fur
others to, for mite hav bin good, fair
shumsker if i had bin waxed properly in
my mellow years, insted now ov being
poor inkspatterer fur good paper.
If had boy now who had any slmp-
toms ov cholery infantum about him, or
any kind ov lawless, unfxed or lux no
shuns, and who didn't seem to hare
whether he ever amounted to ennything
or not, and who couldn't tell whar he
waz last night till hslf-past 2 this morn
ing, and who wanted tew go into blzzl-
ness for himself at Is years Old with a
capital of two bottles of Phalons extrakt
and mustash that resembled the mold on
pound of limeberger cheese, would
say confdenshaDy tn him:
"Sorl, / have bin to blame thus lar IN !
frameing yure timber, but yu can bet
them patient leather boots yu have got |
on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that |
from now hereafter, yu hav got to begin |
agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and |
sucker yure grapevine, and plow up yure |
wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp |
land, and bush-hook yure briar patch, and
fix yure farm for krop ov sum kind of
grain that will not disgrace both son and
daddy when it il brought tew markdt. +"
This liz the way would converse with
the young Billings, and if he didn't begin,
in ten minitts, tew take an akkount ov his
bad diets, and begin to argy the pint with
me, and ackt young rooster up and down
in front ov me, mi strong impresshun il
now, that would retreat step and let fly
my left pursuader, and land that boy sum
so feet further oph than he waz-
1t would have bin six hundred dollars
in my vest pocket if sum philanthopisst,
about thirty years ago, had got mi knob
in Chancery, and not given up the case
ill he had punched out of my he'd the fresh
water noshun that the best way tew foller
/ blind trail in the wilderness wuz not tew
AXE any cumpus.
This kind Nv ded sure knowledge,
lmung fresh yung men, has landed four
hundred out ov evry five hundred ov
hem, before they had got half way thru
ife, into some soft swamp, and the other
hundred hev sot out the close of their
lies on fence, lamenting the hard work
hey did, in their younger daze, tew make
t** phools ov themselfs.
kno it il az eazy az chawing gum, for
yung institution ov a boy, who haz got
|. burning fluid natur, tew be anxious teW |
inc all the torch-lite doins IN the country,
nd tew holler 'samen" before the PRAYER |
) half through; but feel it my duty tew
ell these camphene children tew cork up
heir litening.
don't want emmy body's boy Billy tew
e ded he'd; skim-milk cheese; col
'orter of water-gruel; putty babeling; |
kurl-papered nursery doll; an apron
led anatomy blonde; timid corpse 9
mong hiz phellows, afraid of bug, and
atistiied with kitten.
| amt voting for this breed of boys
only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew t
make up their minds, from the expert /
nee of those who have observed the ele- @
liant, that youth was given them, not
ew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew
FAD, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but
ew plant.
There IL no danger in turning q snaik 8
bose; even before he gifts fairly haired
ut, natur teaches him to make his fust +
7iggle correct patter for his last one.
he makes him snaik from the word | e
go, I" and nothing else, and if he takes a
oshun tew go tew the devil-who
ares2
But of all the most deplorable luck that T
an be the the inheritance ov camphene :
oy, don't kno ov more dangerous one
nan to be hiz own master, or the master !
his daddy. L.
l hav known sum af theze excentricks
nat Satan couldn't ketch, who hav
edged him successfully for the whole e
v their lives, but kan tell you, mi dear
oys, it is kno credit to match yoyrselfs
gainst the devil, even if you hay ded 8
oft thing. This beating the devil at his I
wn game, is like surviving the small 6
OK; it may make you prof agin sum
lore smallpox, but yu are sure tew ]
now some of the dents.
Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not J
ltended tew be personal; they wouldn't
t yu emmy more than side-saddle would
t the back stretch oya trottin track. for ]
know yu hav been broke tew stand :