The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1870-09-01
Wit and Has71aOr.

Pen sive creatures-Hogs.
In swallowing joke look out for the point
as it goes down.
An aching void-The socket from which a
tooth has just been drawn.
Who is the largest man The lover-he is
man of tremendous signs!
A lie is like snowball-the longer it is
rolled: the larger it is.
II am doing tall business as the man
said when he was feeding the Giraffe.
When was Ruth very rude to Boaz When
she pulled his cars and troo on his corn
If a mans aim in this world be good, the
chances are that he will miss fire in the next.
Doctors talk about paying their visits, when
at the same time it's their visits that's paying
them.
If shoemaker, in approaching his end
gives up his awl, and wakes cold, what will
become of his sole if he cannot breathe his
last?
"Here's the bannister, bat where the ID
is the stairs" as the drunken fellow said when
he felt his way around the beadstead in the
dark.
Josh Billings says: II allus advice short
sermons, specially on hot Sunday. If a
minister kant strike lie in 40 mimlts. he has
either got poor gimlet or else he is boring at
the wrong hole.''
IF you run over a youngster in this ward"
observed philosophlc cartman, :" folks don't
say anything they got more children
than whites for EN-, but just run over goat
or pig, blast me if mob amt at you in two
minutes"
Gentlemen said an eminent counsel,
there are three points upon which we rely for
defence. In the first place, the kettle was
cracked when we borrow it; in the second
place: it was whole when we returned it; and
in the third place, we never had it,"
A military company paraded at Boston
few days ago, with twenty-five men bearing
muskets, and twenty-three playing on musi.
cal Instruments" This has always been the
way with Massachusetts. We have never yet
had war in which she did not do a great
deal more blowing than lighting.
William" said truth-loving Quaker );
"thee knows 1 never call anybody names !;
but, William, if the Mayor of the city we're
to come to me, and say, Joshua, want thee
to find me the biggest liar in all Phiadel
phia," would come to thee and put my hand
on thy shoulder, and say to thee, William,
the Mayor wants to see thee"
'Don't you know what the polite name is
now for corns?' It is "scbaceous excrcs-
cences" So if you get in crowd, and a
two-hundred FOUNDER treads on your toes, you
mustn't say, g Get off my corns!" but, Sir.
remove your pedal extremities from off my
sebaceous excrescenses."
This is the pure and undiluted English for
e Jordan is hard road to travels" Peram-
bulatory progression, in the pedestrianary ex
cursion along the farfamed thoroughfare Of
fortune, cast up by the banks of the sparkling
river of Palestine, is indeed attended with a
Heterogeneous conglomeration of unforeseen
difficulties.
The German editor of the Schenectady Star
is we'll up in verse. Here is paraphrase
that he has recently composed. The scene is
supposed to have been laid on the banks of
tie Mohawk:
Muduer may L II ScnWlmmln went,
No my grossa dotter,
bet TWICE more as foofty cent,
Dat you get drowned NIT the VOTER
Mrs Darlington, speaking of the provisions
Of the Constitution, said, For my part, |
should be glad to see, en-. Heaven and all
of us knows provisions is scarce enough and
if they can turn the Constitution to SO good
q use, am glad of it. Anything that will
have tenderness to cheaper the necessities
{ Of life." Ike came running in at the mo-
ment. and asked her if he shouldn't give her
a "tig whicket."
During the trial of case in Louisville,
witness persisted in testifying to what his wife
told him. To this the attorneys objected,
and it was ruled out by the judge. He
would proceed to tell "shust how it vas" when
the attorney would cry out:
"f1ow do you know that?"
"My wife told me- was the answer.
This was repeated several times The
Judge, unable to contain himself longer, in
terrupted:
Suppose your wife were to tell you the
heavens had fallen, what would YOU think Z"