Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-02-18
Miliaorutla.

A ''GoSE Up knave-Salnaye.
TIE feature of the period--Cbeek.
The largest rope in the world-Europe.
HzADs that have much to account for-Bill-
heads.
Every bird pleases US with its lay-espe-
ciaIly the hen.
wuEs does a man resemble a horse When
he is broke.
The Ife-preseryers oftenest used in the bat
tie feld-Legs.
ODD indeed-That a Sovereign should be
under Crown.
wArER's epitaph-He couldn't wait any
looger-so he went.
WHAT sort of manners do gamblers have1--
Winsome.
DEslRAnlE state of destitution-H Having
nothing to reproach oneself with.
WHEN does cabbage beat beet in grow.
ing?--When it gets ahead
WHRRE would you look for coarse race of
men?-0n raee-course.
WHAT is the greatest want of the age
Want of funds.
A GENTLEMAN maintained that poverty was
virtue. THAT" said his friend, SIS liter
ally making virtue of necessity"
''MY boy, what does your mother do for
liviug?n was asked of little barefooted ur-
chin. "She eats cold victuals, sir.
GALLorING consumption-Dinner at the
Pacific railway station.
II is a strange fact in our daily experience
that when any man is taken in he is sure
to be ''put out
ACCORDING to areceut decision Of Commis-
sioner Delano, boarding house keepers who
serve hash are obliged to take out license
as manufacturers.
THE new Lord Mayor of London is a type.
founder. Romulus was a founder also, but
his line was the Roman capital, whereas Bes-
ley is more of the old English type.
A CoRK paper publishes the following ezra.
tum; The words printed pigs and colrs' in
Mr.. Parker's letter on the land question,
which appeared in yesterdays issue, should
have been pros and cons"
A PARIsIAY editor pestered a prominent
Official with offers Of newspaper assistance.
The minister endured it for some time, but
fioally replied; my dear friend, you are mis-.
taken; if geese did once save the capital, il
was not with their quilts
"ALAs!" said mcralizing bachelor, within
ear snot of witty young lady of the company
50 this world is at best but gloomy prison!''
''Yes," sighed the merciless mink, ''es-
pecislly to the poor creature doomed to
solitary confinement.
4 SCoTCHMAN having to ride a half
starved, ,broken-winded horse a long distance,
repeatedly paused during the journey at
road side inns, where, after refreshing him
self with gill Of whiskey, be would CON-
placently remark to the Wretched animal,
''Aweel' frien', we've refreshed our twa puir
bodies, let's cen jog on. -
HUsBAxD.-"Carriage, my dear girl Con.
slider the expense don't see how we can
afford it. Wife," But, George dear, Mr..
Smith keeps brougbam for his wife % Hus-
band with his logic -" But she's his
second wife, recolleet, my dear -" For the
life of her, at the moment, she could not see
the bearings of the argument, so she dropped
the subject.
a CLERGYMAN il country parish in Eng
land had stranger preaching for him one
day, and meeting his beadle, he said to him,
"Well, Saunders, how did you like the SER
mon to-day ?''-'I watna, sir it was rather
o'er plain and simple for me, replied the
beadle. II like the sermons that bae iumbles
the joodgment and confounds the sense; cd,
sir, ! never saw, ane that could come up to
yourself at that
PAT AND THE MAGISTRATE Please your
lordship's honor and glory replied Tom,
Il shot the hare by accident, ,''-"By acci.
deut2" remarked Captain OHalloran. st
was firing at bush and the baste ran across
my aim, all on his own accord. ~" The
gamekeeper tells different story" replied
his lordship. "Och don't put faith in what
that man says said Tom Ryan, "when he
never cares about spakin' the truth anyhow.
He tonld me t'other day yer lOrdship was not
50 fit to FIJI the sea: ofjustice as a jackass -
-" Ay, ay," exclaimed Viscount Kilskid
derry, indeed and what did you say ?''-
"PIaise your lordship, 1 said your Iordship
was.
A GENTLEMAN from Illinois, who thought
himself peculiarly fitted to represent the coun.
try abroad, followed Mr.. Lincoln with great
pertinacity, buttonholing him at all times and
in every place without the slightest mercy.
Finally the President, with pleasant smile.
asked if he could speak Spanish. "No.''
"WelI, learn Spanish, aud I'll tell you of
good thing you can get" After three months
Of hard study the would. be diplomat returned
to The charge, reminding the President Of his
promise, and assuring him that be had thor.
oughly mastered the Spanish language.
swell" said Mr.. Lincoln, II promised to
tell you Of good thing you could get Get
Don Qsirote and read it it viii make YOU
laugh"
kEEPING sEoREr.-The Newport Nercu-
~ relates a capital story of Stewart, the paint.
er, which illustrates finely the power which
secret has to propagate itself, if once allowed
a little airing, and to reach a few ears. Stew.
art had, as he supposed, discovered secret
art of coloring-very valuable. He told it to
a friend. His friend valued it very highly.
and came short time afterwards to ask per.
mission to communicate it, under oath Of
eternal secrecy, to friend of his who needed
every possible aid to enable him to rise.
''Letme see, said Stewart, making chalk
mark OF board at hand II know the art,
and that is
"One, said his friend.
You know it, said Stewart, making an.
other mark By the side of the one already