Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-06-17
Wit-inspIratlOns Of the "TwO-Year-
Olds.V
ny MARX TWAIN.

-
BY MARK TWAIN. ra Il
ALL infants appear TO have an imperti
nent and dlsagreeable fashion nova days |
of saying "sparti things on most occa-
sions that offer, and especially on 'occa.
sions when they ought not to be saying |
anything at sn. Judging by the average |
published specimens of smart sayings, the |
rising generation of children are little |
better than idiots. And the parents must |
surely be but little better than the chill. |
dren, for in most cases they are the pub |
fishers of the sunbursts of infantile imbe- |
cility which dazzle us from the pages of |
our periodicals. I may seem to speak |
with some heat not to say suspicion of
personal spite; and do admit that it net |
ties me to hear about so many gifted in.
fants in these days, and remember that
seldom said affy ythffig smart when was a
child. l tried once or twice, but IL was
not popular. The family were not ex-
pectlng brilliant remarks from me, and so
they snubbed me sometimes and spanked
me the rest. But itmakes my flesh creep
and my blood run cold to think what
might have happened to me If had dared
TO utter some of the smart things of this
generations "fOur1year.olds" where my
father could hear me. To have simply
skinned me alive and consider his duty ut
an end would have seemed to him crimi-
nal leniency toward one SO SHINING. He
was stern, unsnailing man, and hated all
forms of pFeooeity. If l had said some of
the things,I have referred to- and said
them in bis hearing, he would have de-
stroyed me. Heiwould indeed. He would,
provided the opportunity remained with
him. But It would not, for l would have
had Judgment enough to take some strych-
nine first and say my smart things after
ward. The fair record Of my life has
been tarnishedl by just one pun. MY
father overheard that, and he hunted me
over four Or five townships seeking to
take my life. If / had been full grown.
of course he would have been right but.
child as l was, X could not know. how
wicked thing had done. rrr'Tr,r-t-
/ made one Of those remarks ordinarily
called smart things" before that, but It
was not pun. Still, it came near causing
serious rupture between my father and
myself MY hther and mother, nv I'm
Gle Ephrairn and his wife, and one or two
otners were present, and the conversation
turned on name for me. was lying
there, trying some India-rubber rings Of
various patterns, and endeavoring to make
a selection, for 1 was tired of irving to
cut my teeth ON peoples fingers. and
wanted to get hold Of something that
would enablei me to hurry the thing
through and get at something else. Did
you ever notice what nuisance it was
cuttlng your teeth on your nurses fin
ger, or how back breaking and tiresome it
was trying to cut them on your big toe
and did you never get out of patience and
wish your teeth were in Jericho long be.
fore you get them half cut? To me it
seems as If these things happened yester-
day. And they did, to some children.
But digress. | was lying there irving
the lndlairubber rings remenber look
Ing at the clock and noticing that in an
hour and twenty five minutes l would be
Two weeks old, and thinking to myself
now httleI had done to merit the bles.
sings that were so unsparingly lavished
upon me. My father said:
"Abraham.is good name. NV grand
father was named Abraham"
My mother said: ..................
," Abraham is good name. Very well,
Let us have Abraham for one of his
names" - - N''
l said gao I 'i'aa.
Abraham suits the subscriber
MY iather frowned, my mother looked
pleased; my aunt said
What little darling it isl"
My father said
good name!''I9' .
MY mother assented and said.
NO names are better. Let us add
Isaac and Jacob to his Names"
said:
can right. Isaac and Jacob are good
enough for yours truly. Pass me that
IaItie, II you please. l can't chew India
rubber rings all day."
=, MOI soul made a memorandum OF
these sayings OF mine, for publication. |
saw snat, ana did 1t myself, else they
mouiu nave been utterly lost. So far from
meeting with generous announcement
like other children when deveIonino in.
tellectually,I was now furiously scoIled
upon by my father; my mother looked
grleVed and anxious and even NV annt
nau ABOUT her an expression of seeming IN
tnlnK tnat maybe / had gone too far. I
eooA vicious bite out of an India-rubber
lug, anu coYertly broke the rattle over
Ihe Klttehs head, but said nothing. Pres.
emily my father said:
Samuel is very excellent namen
saw that trouble was coming Notb;no
could prevent'it.l laid down NV rattle
over the side of the cradle | dronned INV
uncles silver watch, the clothes brush tbe
10y oogs my tin soldier, the nutmeg crater
ana other matters which was aeon STONE 4
W examine ana mediate upon, and make
pheasant noises with, and bang, and batter
anu Dreak Wien! needed wholesome en-,
tertalnment. Then put on nv little
l; itooA anu my llttle bonnet, and took nv
pemy snoes IN one hand and my licorict
IoiS II ens other and climbed out on the floor
. salu 70 myself, Now, if the worst comes
q
aloud, in firm voice: ''''O
Father, l cannot cannot wear tbe
name OF Samuel"
My sonp
"Fwather, "wtha mean it. Icannot."
to that name" P'''Ay
MY SON. this is unreasonable Manv
SleaI ana good men have been named
stanon Sir, ;, l have yet to hear of the first in,
What There was Samuel the
prophet. Was not he great and good p
Not so very"
My son! With His own voice the
Lord called him" VIZ
es' SIR and had to call him a couple
OF .imes before he would comeW
ana then sailed forth, and that stern
olu man sailed forth after me. He over.
took me at noon the following dav. and
Wnen tne interview was over I had ac
gulreo the name of Samuel, and thrash.
ing, ana other useful information; and bv
means or this compromise nv fathers
Wratn was appeased, and a mIsunder.
standing bridged over which might have
become permanent rupture # / had
CHOSEN TO be unreasonable. But inst
Judging by this episode, what soo1Id INV INV
!ather nave done TO me if had ever nj.
tefSu IN his hearing one of the flat, sickly
Inlngs these two-year olds" D." say in print
nowadays lin my opinion there would
nave oeepsP case of infant1cide in ouI
Jonathan Bradford.