Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1870-07-20
Josh Billings on "Jersey Lightning, ,,

I
Who it waz that invented alcohol I
am unable tew tell lwithoutlieing; but
it would hav been a fust kIass blessing
for the rest of us if he and the lickOr
/ had both ov them been split on the
ground and never been sopped up
since.
The devil himself, with all hiz geni-
US for a ten strike, could not have roll
ed ball more serviceable for his biz
ness on earth; one more certain to
quarter on the head pin, and sweep
the alley every. time. Rum is the
DEVILS stool-pigeon, his right bower,
his high, low, jack, and the game.
a CRATE menny, with dyspeptic NOR
ais, argy that lickOr is indispensibel
for manufacturing and doctor purpos-
| es, and also for mekanikal uses and
they hold that you kouldnt raise a
barn that would stand without enny
good old Jamaka rum, and sum say
thar pudding sass without emmy speer-
its in it is no healthier than common
goose grease.
But awl ov these argys are furnished
free ov cost by the Devil himself. and
emmy man who advances them IL tel
ling without knowing it, perhaps)
lies that will weigh, at ruff estimate,
at least pound apiece. But nv OBJ
jeckt in these fu preliminus remarks
il tew git good chance to tell what /
know about Jersey lightning" Zone
ov aleOhops imps) as n manufaktring
and metaphysical agent.
Jersey lightning liz cider brandy,
three hours old, still-born, and quick
er than flash. This Juice is drunk raw
by the oldspOrts and make a premoni-
tory and kissing noise.as it winds down
the thrut, like an old she goose setting
on eggs, or hot iron stuck into ice
water. Three horns a day OF this
Ticker will take a mans interior in
six months so that he kan swallow a
live six footed krab, feet fust, and not
waste wink.
1t don't fat man (eider brandy
DON'T like whiskee dus, but puckers
him up like fried potatoze. If a man
kan survive the fust three years of
Jersey lightning he IL safe then for
the next 20 years 90 cum, and keeps
looking every day more like three
year old pepper-pod, hotter and hot
ter. An old cider brandy drinker
will steam, in sudden shower of rain,
like a pile of stable manure, and his
breath smells like the bUng-hole of a
rum-cask lately emptied.
When Jersey lightning is fust born
it tastes like bileing turpentine and
cayenne, half-and-half, and will raise
a blood blister on a pair ov old koW-
hide brogans in 15 minutes aud ap-
piled externally will cure the rheu-
matism or kill the patient, 1 forget
which. The fust horn a man takes of
this Ticker will make him think he
has swallowed a gas-light :. and he
will go behind the barn and try tew
die, but kant. The eyes Ov an old
ciderbrandyist look like deep gashes
Rdt into ripe tomato, his nOze is the
eomplexshun of a half-biled lobster,
and the gizzle in his gullet sticks out
like an elbow in tin leader.
The more villinOus the drink the
more inveterate are those who drink
it. l kant tell yer whether cider
brandy will shorten an old suckers
days or not; for they generally out
lived all the rest of the nabors, and
die just as soon as the old tavern
stand changes hands and il opened
on temperance principles. One bottle
of sassaperrilla or ginger-popp liz az
fatal to these fellers az a rifle-ball is to
bed bugg.
I would do almost ennything but
murder to save a young man from
Jersey lightning; but trieing to save
an old one is like trieing tew put the
fire out of a holler log. You might
az well let it burn up, for the ashes is
worth more than the log.-N. Y. |
Weekly.