Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-05-06
Tite Boots.
BY JOSH billings.

WOULD jist like tew kno who the man
wuz who fust invented tite boots.
He must have bin narrow and kon-
tracted kuss.
If he still lives, hope he haz repented
ov hiz sin, or IL enjoying CRATE agony ov
some kind.
have been in a CRATE menny tite spots
in my life, but generally could manage to
make them average; but thare IL no such
thing as making pair of tite boots aver
age.
Yu kant git an average on the pinch ov
tlte boot, emmy more thar yo kan on the
bite of lobster.
Emmy man who kan wear pair ov tite
boots, and be humble, and penitent, and
not indulge in profane literature, will
make good husband.
He will do more than that, he will d. to
divide up into several fust klass husbands,
and be made to answer for whole naber-
hood.
Obi for the pen ov departed VIM.
Shakspear, to write an anethema against
tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome
wake up and howl agin, az she did once
before on previous ockashun.
Obi for the strength ov Herkules, to
tare into shu strings all the tite boots of
creashun, and skater them to the winds
of heaven.
Oh for the buty of Venus to make a
bigg foot look hansum without tite boot
on 1t.
Obi for the payshunce ov Job, the
Apostle, to nuss tite boot and bless 1T,
and even pra for one size smaller and
more pinchful.
oh ! for pair ov boots bigg enuff for
the foot ov a mountain.
hav bin led to the above assortment ov
"Oh's" from having in mi posseshun at
this moment, pair ov number nine boots,
with pair ov number eleven feet in
them.
Mi feet are az dogs noze the fust time
he wears a muzzle.
think mi feet will eventually choke
the boots to deth.
liv in hopes they will.
suppozed had lived long enuff not
to be phooled agin in this way, but l hav
found that an ounce of vanity weighs
more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily
when man mistakes bigg foot for &
small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you
would the grip of the devil, for many 6
man has caught for life fust-rate habit
for swearing by encouraging hiz feet tc
hurt hiz boots.
l hav promised mi two feet, at least 8
dozen ov times during mi checkurd life
that they never should be strangled agin
but find them today az full ov pane az
the stummuk axe, from sudden attak oy
tite boots.
But this IL solemnly the last pair ov titt
boots will ever wear / will hereafter
wear boots az bigg az my feet, if have
to go barefoot to do it.
am too old and too respectable to be 6
phool any mole.
Eazy boots IL one ov the luxuries oy
life, but i forget what the other luxury is
but don't know az care, provided car
get rid ov this pair ov tite boots.
Emmy man ken have them for seven dol
lars, Just half what they kost, and if they
don't make his feet ache wuss than ar
angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay
for them.
Methuseles IL the only man that kaI
kali to mind now who could have afforded
to have wore tite boots, and enjoyed them
he had CRATE deal of waste time to bt
miserable in, but life now days IL toe
short, and too full ov aktual bizzines
to phool away emmy ov it on tite boots
Tite boots is an insult to emmy man.
understanding.
He who wears tite boots will have II
acknowledge the corn.
Tite boots have no bowels of mercy
THAR insides are wrath and promiskiou
cussing.
Beware of tite boots. - NetO Yor
Weekly.