The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-08-02
II U M oRoUs ITEMS

NN-Nt H"eNis
RSS@ Without women the world would
be in a shiitless condition.
B9y" What two sciences are empoyed
by teamsters in driving oxen? Hd,cticul
ture and Geology.
BSg~ What is the difference between
a printer and a tailor? The one works
press, and the other presses work.
RGy~ 10. Case, defines the exact height
of young lady's ambition to be two lit
tie feet.
Eeg~ Isn't my shirt clean ?" quoth
one bohemian to another. Well, yes"
was the answer, "it's clean for brown.
but it's awful dirty for white"
Bsy" A cruel man out West, speaking
of the singing of the village choir, says.
{" 1t is like drift wood in a stream: it
drags on the bars, yet don't amount to
dam"
DGy" " Sure an it wasn't poverty that
drove me from the ould country" said
Michael, the other day, " for my father
had a yoke of oxen and a cow, and they
gave milk the year round |!
RGy" a Philosopher says, if you want
pair Of boots to last four years, melt and
mix four ounces Of mutton tallow, apply
while warm, place the boots in closet
and go barefoot.
By The question why printers do
not succeed as well as brewers, is thus
answered; Because printers work for
the head, and brewers for the stomach
and where twenty have stomachs, but one
has brains.
Dsg" Pappa," said a small urchin
with mischieveous eye {" say, papa
ought the master to fog fellar for what
he didn't dol" Certainly not my boy"
Well then he fogged me to-day when
| didn't do my sum-
Rsg- A little girl who was watching
the balloon ascension at Lewistown, Me-,
suddenly exclaimed;
Mamma, [ shouldn't think God
woud like to have that man 90 up to,
heaven alive"
DG5D The following eptaph may be
seen by any one visiting the old grave
yard at Hallowell, Me-
"Here lies the body of Jones a poet,
That is, he thought so, and tried to show it,
But before he made the world believe it,
The devil "a He'd nd hp. .bo6 10 loo,
p5y" 1t is asserted that there are SO
many children in Indiana named after
Schuyler Colfax, that all the stone-cut-
ters in the state keep gravestones on hand
carved, Sacred to the memory of
Schuyler Colfax-,' ready to insert the
patronymic in the blank space when the.
order is given after the funeral.
DGS@ We heard joke recently on two
Portsmouth drummers While passing a,
house in Virginia, observing very Pc
culiar chimney, unfinished, and it at
tracing their attention they asked a flax
en- haired urchin standing in the house,
if it, " drawed WELL" whereupon the
aforesaid urchin gave them the stinging
report Yes, it draws the attention Of
all the ID fools that pass this road"
ps5" AS a steamboat was about to start
from Cincinnati, one day, young man
came on board, leading blushing damsel
by the hand, and approaching the polite
clerk, said in suppressed voice.
" say, me and my wife has just got
married, and I'm looking for accommo-
dations."
Looking for a berth ?" hastily in
quired the clerk, as he passed tickets to
another passenger.
"a birth thunder and lightning no p
gasped the astouished man we hain't
but just got married-we only want
place to stay all night, you know"
De5~ A country pedagogue had two pu-
pills, to one of whom he was partial and
to the other severe. One morning it
happened that these two boys were late
and were called up to account for it.
You must have heard the bell, bows;
why did you not come 2
| Dlaaca civ cold a. p.o.4 ~