The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-08-12
HUMORs OF THE DAY.
Hard to beat-Carpets.

Hard to beat-Carpets.
What is that which by losing an eye
has nothing but nose left "A noise.
"Every man his own angel" is the
way the new flying machine has been
announced. ~ f,-it,.',..s
An old Greenland seaman said he
could really believe that crOcodilcs
shed tears, for he had often seen whales
blubbcr.
Although bugs are Objectionable in
general way, nobody dislikes 10 ride
i'm a buggy wagon. +
Next to death, lemonade. with
"stick i'm it is said 10 be the greatest
lcveler.
A wag says that a legal popularity
of the West is, that all the lawyers are
judgcs-and none of the judges are
lawyers.
When intoxicated a Frenchman
wants to dance, q German to sing, an
Englishlnan to cat a Spaniard to gam
bic, an Italian to boast, q Russian to
be affectionatc, an Irishman to fight,
and an American to make speech.
when q good wife had prepared an
excellent dinner for her husband, and
he declared he was pleased with it,
she said, "Well, kiss me then. "Oh,
never mind that, my DEAR" was his
reply; "the necessaries of life we
must have, but the luxuries we can
dispense WITH"
Said one student to another, whom
he caught swinging sythe most lust
lily in a field of stout grass: Frank,
what makes you work for Eving2 A
fellow with your talents and abilities
should not be caught engaged in hard
labor, l mean to get my living by my
wits" Well, Bill, you can work with
duller tools than l cam" was the re-
ply.
A distinguished civilian was lately
explaining to his son, who was quite
q boy, the outlines of Italy, and re-
marked, as usual, that they resembled
| i'm form a mans boot. "Wcll," said
the little fellow, "if I live to be q
man I'll put my foot in il"
In a country court one of the solic-
itors engaged in case said to wit
ness al believe your son is down in
the world, is he not?" The witness
rejoined, to the evident discomfort of
his querist, "Yes, he is a lawyers
clerk"
Provide ample qualification for the
innate love of the beautiful, at home.
Let the abode of childhood cherish
and foster every refined taste and del
icatc sentiment. Chiefest ofall guard
soul-bcauty with jealous care.
A little boy of Provincetown, four
years old very anxious for a drum,
the evening preceding Christmas Eve,
on going to bed, made the following
prayer, "Now / lay me down to Sleep
/ want drum, pray the Lord, l
want drum, my soul to keep, and
if [ should die before l wake l want
a drum" His prayer was answered.
A distinguished President of Har-
ward College was once asked BY adds
tinguished clergyman how long it
took him to write sermon. He said
sometimes q week ; sometimes long
er." "What! a week to write ser
mon? Iwrite one in day, and make
nothing of it." Eyes" replied the
Doctor, "but l make something of
mine"
An instance of distinction without
a difference was offered by the Irish
man who, having legs of different ST.
yes, ordered boots 10 be made accord
| ipgly. His directions were obeyed /;
but: as he tried the smaller boot
on the larger leg, he exclaimed indig-
nantlv: "Confound the fellow, l Or
dered him to make one larger than
the OTHER, and instead of that, he has
made one smaller than the other"
The following anecdote is told Of
DIR. Oabarrus, the great homeopathic
physician, who has just died in Paris.
Milo. Julis Barron was out Of sorts
and sent for him. III
"What is the matter? asked the
Doctor.
"Oh, l hardly know myself" she
replied, "my spirits are terribly une-
quail. Sometimes l am greatly elated.
and then suddenly sink into the deep
est melancholy"
After moments reflection Cabar-
rus said gravely:
/ 81 am afraid there is but ono way
TO cure YOU"
"What is it?" she cnquircd eager
ly.
| "You must get married." he replied
with a mirthful twinkle of the eye,
but still keeping grave face.
"Well," said Mile. Barron, after a
little hesitation, followed by a long
drawn sigh of relief, "perhaps you
are right. Would you marry me !"
aMdchere," replied Cabarrus bland
ly, "the doctor prescribes, Dnt he
doesn't take his own medicine"