Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-01-07
alrlianr0ns.
;IeyaI for a bark-Puilinr a dogs tail.


QuEsrIoN for Actors-Can man be said
to work when he plays?
WHAT would be likely to give the best re
port offre +? a powder magazine.
A COOP guess at a tailor's name-Mr. So
and so.
Why is an ak ike coffee Itmust be ground
before it can be used.
A SPARROW can never be hungry. He takes
a hundred flies day.
Iv some places out west the grass -hoppers
have destroyed everything but grass widows,
oUERr-What remuneration does distance
receive fer lending enehantment to the view?
a scArEeRAcE remarked that the principal
branch of education in his school was viii
low branch.
WHAT kind Of essence does young man
like when be pops the question? Acquies
cence.
OSE charge in lawyers bill against eli
ent was, "For waking up in the night and
thinking Of your business-fve dollars.
WHrx man kisses the wrong woman
what sort Of a weapon should he be
dispatched with2 A bluuderbuss, Of course.
''SA, said one girl to another, Il am so
glad I have no beau now" ''Why so?'
asked the other. son why I can eat as
many onions as please"
A DISTURBED individual wonders how a few
organ grinders can manage to keep up so
much music under his window It is done by
taking turns.
WHF is lawyer the most ili-used man in
our social system Because, though be may
drive his carrisge, he must draw the CON
veyaaee Of other people.
\ very modest young lady who was pas
seDger on board packet ship, it IS said
sprang ont of her berth and jumped over
board on hearing the captain, during storm
order the mate to haul down the sheets.
/ don't care so much about the bugs, said
Mr.. Womley to the head of the genteel, pri-
vats family ih which he resides. but the fact
IS, marm havn't got the blood to spare, you
see that yourself
a NEGRO in Dawson, Ca, stole pair OF
boots and returned them the same day, say.
ing his conscience wouldn't lei him keep
them. They were both for one foot and three
sizes to small
"BopBT. what does your father do for
liyingT
'He's phiIanthropist, sir.
''What?"
"A pbianthropist. He collects money for
Central Africa, and Guilds houses out of the
proceeds"
SEE here exclaimed returned Irish sol
der to a gaping crowd as he exhibited with
some pride his tall hat with bullet hole in
it. Look at that hole, viii you? You see if
it had been a low crowned hat should have
been killed outright.
AN viii ye be after telling what kind of
baste ye call this, said newly arrived Irish
man, holding up a wasp between his thumb
and finger.
"och, murder spake quick, for he's BIZ
ting me.
A certain eockney, overcome by his seusi-
bilities, tainted at the grave of his fourth wife.
''What shall We do with him p asked per
picked friend Of his "Let him alone, SAID
a waggish bystauder, ''he'H soon revive.
A farmer near Montreal says no one need tell
him that advertising wont cause big rush.
for he advertised ten bushels Of grapes for
sale, and the next morning there warn't one
left, the boys stole EN- all.
A Providence boy, FIVE years Of age, having
stolen can Of milk, his mother took him to
task, with moral suasion, and wound up her
by exclaiming What IN the world
were you going to do with the milk any
how 81 was goisg to steal little dog to
drink it, was the crushing reply.
Az editor out west wants to increase his
list, and makes the following
"For two new subscribers, fur
nished by any good looking young lady, We
viii furnish husband, or if we fail in that,
viii marry her ourselves as soon as the law
will allow"
"SALLY,' said a green youth, IN a venera.
bic white hat and gray pants, through which
his legs projected half foot, perhaps more,
"Sally, before we go into this museum to see
the sereuaders, want to ask you sometbin'.' -
well, you see this ere business is gwine
to cost hull quaner apiece, and can't af
ford to spend so much for nothin. Now, if
you'll bev me, darned ef I don't pay the hull
ont myself. I will"
a NEWLY arrived boarler at one of our
fashionable boarding houses thought he had
not sufficient bolstering for his head, and &c.
cordingly, carried the pillows down to the
landlady's room, who inquired what he de-
sired. The gentleman wanted TO know what
the articles we're which he held in his hands.
"PiEows, you impudent fellow - screamed
the enraged woman HOh 1 thought they
we're pin cushions, replied the disconsolate
bcarder.
A REmNDEn.-A lady entered the cars,
which we're somewhat too full, and gentle
man arose aud requested her to take his
seat, he remaining standing in the passage
way, The lady (?) took the seat, making no
sign Of gratitude.
Gent waited for few moments, then in
quired:
What did you sayY
4 did not speak, sir, said the female in
a tone Of the most freezing poiiteness.
i beg your pardon, madam, but thof
you said, thank you
a scarlet flush told the discontinue of the
lady, while the aadible litter of the near
told that the point was keenly
relishe5.
ENaA GRAHAM, q notorious woman, died in
Detroit on Tuesday, from the effects Of in