Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1870-05-12

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

WOULD jist like tew kno who the man
wuz who fust invented tite boots.
| He must have bin q narrow and kon-
tracted kuss.
Ifhe still lives, i hope he haz repented
ov hiz sin, or IL enjoying CRATE agony ov
some kind.
have been in q CRATE menny tite spots
in my life. but generally could manage TO
make them average; but thare IL no such
thing as making 9 pair OF tite boots aver
age.
Yu kant git an average on the pinch ov
lite boot, emmy more than 20 kan on the
bite of lobster.
Emmy man who kan wear pair ov tite
BOOTS, and be humble, and penitent,' and
not indulge in profane literature, will
make q good husband.
He will do more than that, he will ID to
divide up into several fust klass husbands,
and be made to answer for whole naber-
hood.
Obi for the pen ov departed VIM.
Shakspear, to write an anethema against
tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome
wake up and howl agin, az she did once
before on previous ockashun.
Oh for the strength ov Herkules, to
tare into shu strings all the tite boots OF
creashun, and skater them to the = winds
of heaven.
Oh for the buty of Venus to make a
bigg foot look hansum without tite boot
on it. ~
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the
Apostle, to nuss tite boot and bless 1t,
aud even pra for one size smaller and
more pinchful.
Oh for a pair ov boots bigg enuff for
the foot ov q mountain.
hav bin led to the above assortment ov
"Oh's" from having in mi posseshun at
this moment, q pair Ov number nine boots,
with pair ov number eleven feet in
them.
Mi feet are az dogs noze the fust time
he wearsa muzZle.
think mi feet will eventually choke
the boots to deth.
liv in hopes they will.
supposed had lived long enuf not
to be phooled agin in this way; but hav
found that an ounce of vanity weighs
more than pound ov reazon, espeshily
when man mistakes q bigg foot for a
small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you
would the grip OF the devil, for many a
man has caught for life fust-rate habit
for swearing by encouraging hiz feet to
hurt hiz boots
hav promised mi two feet, at least
dozen ov times during mi checkurd life,
that they never should be strangled agin,
but find them to- day az full Ov pane az
the stummuk axe, from sudden attak ov
tite boots.
But this IL solemnly the last pair ov lite
boots will ever wear; ! win hereafter
wear boots az bigg az my feet, if have
to 90 barefoot to do 1t.
1 am too old and too respectable to be
phool any more. a
Eazy boots IL one ov the Injuries ov
life, but forget what the other luxury Is,
but don't know az care, provided / can
get rid Ov this pair ov tite boots.
Emmy man ken have them for seven dol
lars, Just half what they kost, and il they
don't make his feet ache wuss than an
angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay
| for them
| Methuseles IL the only man that kan
kali to mind now who could have afforded
70 have wo, title boots and enjoyed them
he had CRATE deal of waste time TO be
miserable in, but life now days IL too
short, and too full ov aktual Dizziness
to phOOl away emmy ov it on tite boots.
lite boots Is an insult to emmy mans
understanding.
He who wears tite boots will have to
| acknowledge the corn. " q
lite boots have no bowels Of mercy
THAR insides are wrath and promiskioui
cCSs;ng.
Beware of tite boots = Nsw YorA
| V"~S'