Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-07-15
HIlInlOr.
Open to conviction-A burglar.

The best band to accompany lady vo-
calist-a husband
What ship is always laden with know
ledge ? Scholarship.
Our creditors
Advice is tie only sort Of vice that some
people dontfollow.
We know policeman so officious that he
actually took up his residence.
A hard lock to unfasten Except in Chica-
go)-Wedlock --"t1
A heated Imagination may be defined to
be-dreaming the house is on fire.
The motto of the inebriate-to drink is
human, to get drunk divine.
Give me liberty or give me death but
ov the 2 i prefer liberty.
Why do girls kiss each other and men
don't. Because girls have nothing better to
kiss and men have.
When women come to sit in the jury box
possibly infants may get t, be criers in
courts.
Young women are mover in more danger
of being made slaves than when the men
are at their feet
'Pste, said mother TO her son. ARE you
into them sweatmeats again 2 No, nam,
them sweetmeats is into me-
If you want an ignoramus to respect you
dress to death, and wear watch seals about
the size of brickbat
Beauties often die old maids They set
such value to themselves that they don't
find purchaser before the market is closed.
A drunken man, after trying in vain to
keep on the sidewalk, was heard to exclam,
There now 20 into the street if you want
to-
There is farmer in Yorkshire who has
mile Of children His name is Furlong and
he has four boys and four girls. Eight,
iurlongs make one mile
A young man advertises for place as
salesman, and says he has had great deal
of experience, having been discharged from
seven different situations within year.,
At fifteen, girls think that they are per-
foot, at twenty they believe it fact, at
thirty, they have some doubts, and at forty
they have no faith in anything of the sort.
A person who undertakes to raise himself
by scandalizing others, might as well sit
down on wheelbarrow and try to wheel
himself.
MY notion of wife at forty said Jcr-
rold, is that a man should be able to
change her, like bank note, for two TWEEN
ties
An old soaker replied to temperance
lecturer by the following poser If water
rots the soles of your boots, what effect must
it have on the coats of your stomach?
Susan Nipper, learning that celebrated
sculptor was at work on bust exclaimed
that she couldn't understand how man
could do any work while on bust"
Josh Billings says: "When young
man amt good for any thing else, i like to
see him carry gold headed cane If he
can't buy one, let him part his hair in the |
middle"
Bridget, you are quite an artist; how did |
you ornament those pies SO fnely?. (Before
table full Of visitors 'Indade mum, amt
it purity Faith. I did it wild yer false teeth,
num-"
man with bald head was complimented |
on the fact that his caput was analogous to |
Greenland. why SO ? he asked. Because |
it is the great white bear place. was the re-
ply.
A wag said that once while on Journey |
he was put into sleigh with dozen or |
more passengers, not one of whom he knew.
but on turning a short corner the sleigh
upset, and he found them all out"
Adversely is poultess.' says Josh |
Billings, which reduces our vanity and |
strengthens our virtew-even boy never
feels half SO good az when he has been
spanked and sot away to COOL
One Of Il party of musical friends, refer
ing to an exquisite composition, said -
THAT song always carries me away when | |
hear it, Can any one sing it p asked |
Jerrold.
A handsome young bride was observed to
be in deep reflection on her wedding day.
One Of her bridesmaids asked her the subject
OF her meditation. II was thinking which
Of my old beaux should marry if should
become widow"
Madam. the lawyer demanded, what
sors OF conduct have you pursued through
life that should subject you to the suspicion
OF this outrage upon the plaintiff? She an
swered 'lmpudence, which has been the
making Of you. but has caused my ruin ?
A man who had been arres ed as va
grant, protested he had regular trade and
calling, to wit: smoking glass for total
eellpses OF the sun and as these occur only
few times in a century, he was not to
blame for being cut Of employment good
deal.
"Mamma," said wee child, one Sunday
evening after having sat still in the house
all day, like good child, shave honored
you to-day" Il don't know" replied the
mother, "why do you ask r' because,
says the little one, shaking her head sadl ',
"the Bible says. Honor thy father and
mother that thy days may be long, and this
hae been, oh, the longest day ever saw"
Really, my dear. said poor Mr.. Jones
TO his "better half" ''you have sadly dis
appointed me- | once considered you
jewel Of woman, but you have turned out
only bit Of matrimonial paste" "Then,
my DEAR" was the reply. console yourself
with the idea that paste is very adhesive,
and will stick to you as long as you live"