The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1870-09-29
WIT AND HUMOR.


the benefit of the doubt"
-"Partng is sweet PAIN" as the
curly.headed fop said when he tried to
part his hair in the middle.
Elm ruined," the old woman said
when her house was on fire; "butits
cold night, and l may as well warm
myself"
-"Don't trouble yourself to stretch
your mouth any WIDER" said dentist
to his patient; II intend to stand out
side to draw your TOOTH
"A young man charged with being
lazy was asked If he took it from his
father. Il think not" was the reply,
fathers got all the laziness he ever
had"
WIFE "But, my dear, I shall
catch cold coming down so late to let
you in Husband: ooh, no, my love,
I'll rap you up well before you come
down"
A lady in Birmingham complains
that the first year Of her married life
her husband called her my DEAR" the
second year, "Mrs A." and the third
year "old sorrel top" which was too
much for her to bear
"A BAD MEDIUM.-A man who pre-
tended to have seen ghost, was asked
what the ghost said to him. "How
should | understand" replied the mar
rator, "Shat he said' am not skill.
ed in any Of the dead languages"
"A clergyman having called up
class Of boys and girls, began with one
Of the former in these words; My
dear child, tell me who made your vile
body? p She had no idea of the ques-
ton applying to anything beyond her
personal appearance, and dropping Il
quick curtesy, replied, please, Sir,
mother made the body, but | made the
skirt
"A sharp student was called up by
the worthy professor of a celebrated
college, and asked the question, Can
imam see without eyes," "Yes, sir
was the prompt reply. "llow, sir"
cried the astonished professor, "can
man see without eyes? Pray sir, how
do you make that out y Gle can see
with one, sir" replied the ready-witted
youth; aud the whole class shouted
with delight at the triumph over meta
physics.
--LoGIcAL.-A thief was once col
Jared by gentleman, who found him
in the back drawing-room; and But
tons went at once for policeman.
, You ought to be grateful 70 me-
said the prjg, "instcad of angling on
, to me like this ere only come in to
tell you the front door was hopen, and
was aieard you'd get robbed
"Exccllent reasoning, indeed, my
fricnd,' said the householder, "but on
~rong premises, | fancy
A German who had not paid much
attention to learning English, had q
horse stolen from his barn the other
night, whereupon he advertised as fol-
lows: "Von mite, de oder day, ven 1
was bin awake in my sleep, l hear sum-
ting vat links vas not yust rite in my
barn, and | yust out shumps dc bed
and runs nit de barn out; and ven
vas dcre COON, l seez dat my pig gray
iron mare, he vast been tied loose and
run nit dc stable OF; and ever WHO'D
vii him back bring, | yust so much pay
him as vat bin koostomary.'
, FURRY FLorplTY. "A country
girl once went to the city to pay Wis
it to one Of her old and best friends;
this friend married to a rich city mer-
> chant, and was leader of fashion In
city etiquette, ofcourse the visitor was
> verdant, and made numerous mistakes.
Her friend wished to initiate her fully
= into the "mysteries,' and as they were
going to q large ball, gave her the fol
y lowing Instructions, viz: Eat only one
> small cake and one saucer Office cream
aud when your attendant presses you
to take more, answer that you have
masticated suilicicncy, and that
e more would be a superflu:ty." Things
|, went on smoothly until her attendant
n asked her to partake of more refresh
If ments, when, to the horror of her
II friend aud amusement of the company,
she answered, in loud voice, IL have
evaporated insulliccntly; any more
. would go fippity aoppty."
"A teacher in western country in
Canada, while making his first visit to
-. his constituents came into CONVEX.
sation with an eminent Vermont lady,
who had taken up her residence in the
d "backwood." OF course the school
5, and former teacher came in for crit
e cism, end the old lady, in speaking of
+, his predecessor, asked: "Wa'al, mas
= ter, what do you think we learn the
scholars p 81 couldn't say. ma'am.