The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-09-13
II U M 0 RoUs EMS.

ma" The man who was bent on matri-
mony, Strengthened up afterwards
Bsy" Poor pigs, they are doctored the
wrong way round-frst killed and cured
afterwards
bSg' Some girls are like old muskets
they use a good deal Of powder but wont
go off"
Ra3~ What's the difference between a
chilly man and hot dog? One wears
coat and the other pants.
bg~ An Trishman who was drinking
the health of Bishop, gave this toast
" May yer reverence live to ate the ouid
hen that crows over yer grave"
RGn A book-keeper in leading mer-
camille house has been discharged on ac-
count Of short-sightedness. He rubbed
out with his nose what he wrote with his
pen.
pa In many country churches through
out the this country, the drought is hav-
ing one very serious efect-the sermons
are drier than ever
DsB@ Why are temperance men band
of robbers? Because they rob the poor
house of its inmates, and crime of it's vic
tins.
Bsg~ IF [ had four apples to divide
equally between us three boys, how would
| do it without cutting any There would
be two for you two, and two for me, too.
RSg~ What should farmers do for GER
tain parts Of the alphabet? Sow their
Ps, keep their UPS warm, hive their BIS,
shoot their Us, feed their Ms, be Y's,
and take their E's.
BGg" A veteran related his exploits to
a crowd of boys, and mentioned having
been in five engagements. " That is
nothing" broke in little fellow, my
sisters been engaged eleven times.
nS7" Make way, gentleman" cried a
fussy office holder to some people the
other night at a meeting; Make way,
we are the representatives Of the peo-
pleW Make way yourself" replied a
sturdy member Of the throng, eve are
the people themselves"
RGy~ A story is told of jolly fellow,
who resided in Chicago about four years,
and while on an eastern visit was asked
how he liked the water out west. "By
George, Mr.. JONES'" said he after a few
moments reflection, never thought to
try it."
1eg@ An Irishman decapitated turtle,
and afterwards was amusing himself by
putting a stick into its mouth, which it
bit with violence A lady who saw the
proceeding exclaimed, Why, Patrick, I
thought the turtle was dead" $50 he
is, madam, but the craythur's not sinsi-
BILE of it,"
ma An exchange tells of young
couple who went to the city to celebrate
the Fourth in style. Putting up aat'ho-
tel, they were served at dinner with ice
cream for desert. Rusticus tasted the
cool confection, rolled it from one side of
his mouth to the other, and finally eiacu-
lated, Thunder and lightnin', Marian,
that's the coldest puddin' I ever et."
Rss" Jinks and an acquaintance were
on the beach the other day, and heard
the screaming and giggling of some
young ladies who were preparing to
bathe in the surf. Jinks' friend asked
what occasioned so much noise in the
bath-house. "Oh," replied Jinks, "its
only bellies peelingg' p
RsS~ 1t would seem that the hot season
extends to remote parts of the country,
as a report comes from Iowa CITY that
the catfish come out of the river and lie
in the shade and fan themselves with
their tails, while the dogfsh flop out of
the water and follow the ice-wagons all
around the streets, trying to pick up a
piece of ice. Either this is true, or iowa
has some of the lyingest editors in the
world
gsS- During the trial of case in Lou
isville last week, a witness persisted in
testifying to what his wife told him To
this of course the attorney objected, and
it was ruled out by the Judge He would
proceed again to tell shust how il vas D