Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1870-05-08
"SMELLS."
Mark Twain ON Pious OlfactOrics
and Perfumed Theology.

Mark Twain ON Pious OlfactOrics
and Perfumed Theology.
In recent issue of the Independent
the Rev. T. De Witt Talmage, of Brook
lyn, has the following uttersnce on the
subject of tSmells:"
81 have good Christian friend, who,
if he sat in the front pew in the church,
and working man should enter the door
at the other end, would smtn him instant
". My friend is not to blame for the
constituencies of his nose, any more than
you would fog pointer for heing keener
on the scent than stupid watchdog.
The fact is, if you had all the churches
free, by reason of the mixing up of the
common people with the uncommon, you
would keep one-half of Christendom sick
at their stomach. If you are going to
kill the church with bad smells, will
have nothing to do with this work of
evangelization."
We have reason to believe that there
will be laboring men in heaven; and also
a number of negroes, and Esquimaux, and
Terra del Fuegans, and Arabs, and few
Indians, and possibly even some Spaniards
and Portuguese. All things are possible
with God. We shall have all these sorts
of people in heaven; but, alas! in getting
them we shall lose the society of DR.. Tai
mage. Which is to say, We shall lose the
company of one who could give more real
stone" to celestial society than any other
contribution Brooklyn could furnish.
And what would eternal happiness be
without the Doctor9 Bhssful, unques-
tionably-we know that well enough
but would it be distiRgue, would it be
recherche without him2 st. Matthew
without stockings or sandals; st. jerome
bareheaded, and with coarse brown
blanket robe dragging the the ground; st.
Sebastian with scarcely any raiment at all
these we should see, and we should
enjoy seeing them; but would we not
miss a spike-tailed coat and kids, and turn
away regretfully, and say to parties from
the Orient: "These are well enough, but
YOU ought to see Talmage, of Brooklyn"
/ fear me that in the better world we shall
not even have DR.. Talmages "good
Christian friend" For if he were sitting
under the glory of the Throne, and the
keeper of the keys admitted Benjamin
Franklin or other laboring man, that
ssfriend," with his fine natural powers in
fnitely augmented by emancipation from
hampering flesh, would detect him with
single sniff, and Immediately take his hat
and ask to be excused.
If the subject of these remarks had
been chosen among the original Twelve
Apostles, he would not have associated
with the rest, because he could not have
stood the fishy smell of some of his COM
rades who came from around the Sea OF
Gaiilee. He would have resigned his COM
mission with some such remark as he
makes in the extract quoted above:
Master, if thou art going to kill the
church thus with bad smells, l will have
nothing to do with this work of eNngel-
ization.n He is deciple, and makes that
remark to the Master; the only difference
is, that he makes it in the nineteenth in
stead of the first century.
Now, can it be possible that in hand
full of centuries the Christian character
has fallen away from an imposing heroism
that scorned even the stake, the cross,
and the ak, to a poor little effeminancy
that withers and willis under an unsavory
cmnll2