The Fremont weekly journal. [volume] (Fremont, Sandusky County, Ohio) 1867-1877, 1870-07-15
JERSEY LIGHTNING
Josh Billings Tells What He Knows
About It.

Who it was that invented alchOhOl
l am unable tew tell without lieing;
but it would hav bin a fust klass
blessing for the rest of us if he and
the hckor had both ov them been
split on the ground and niver bin
supped up since.
The Devil himself, with all his
genius for a ten strike, could not have
rolled a ball more servicesble for
hiz bizness on earth; one more Ger
tain to quarter on the headpin, and
sweep the alley every time. Rum IL
the Devils stool pigeon, hiz right
bower, hiz high, low, jack and the
game.
A CRATE menny, with dyspeptic
morals, argy that lickoris indispensi
bel for manufacturing and doktor
purposes, and also for mechanical
uses, and they hold that yu kouldnt
raise a barn that would stand, with
emmy good old Jamaka rum, and sum
say that pudding sass, without en-
ny good speerits in it, IL no healthi-
er than common goose grease
Butawl theze argys are furnished
free ov cost, by the Devil himself,
and emmy man who advances them
il telling without knowing it, per
haps, lies that will weigh, at a ruff
estimate, at least pound apiece.
But my objeckt in these fu preliminus
remarks il tew git good chance to
tell what know about Jersey light
ming" Zone ov alchohoPs imps! as
a manufaktring and metaphysical
agent.
Jersey lightning il cider brandy,
three hours old, still-born, and
quicker than a flash. This juice il
drunk raw by all the old sports, and
makes a premonitory and kissing
noize az it winds down the thrut,
like an old she goose setting on eggs,
or hot iron stuck ice-water. Three
horns day ov this Ticker will
tan mans interior in six months,
so that he kan swallow a live six
footed krab, feet fust, and not waste
a wink.
It don't fat a man (cider brandy
don't) like whiskee duz, but FUCKERS
him up like fried potatoze. If a
man kan survive the first three years
of Jersey lightning, he il safe then
for the next 76 years tew cum, and
keeps looking every day more like
three year old red pepper pod, hot
ter and hotter. An old cider brandy
drinker will steam, in a sudden
shower Of rain, like a pile ov stable
manure, and his breath smells like
the bunghole ov a rum cssk lately
emtyed.
When Jersey lightning is fust
born it tastes like bileing turpentine
and cayene, half-and-hslf, and will
raze blud blister on a pair ov old
kowhide brogans in 10 minutes, and
applied externally will cure the rhu-
matism or kill the patient, I forget
which. The fust horn q man takes
ov this ticker will make him think
that he swallowed a gas-light, and
he will 60 out behind the barn and
try few die, but kant. The eyes ov
an old cider brandist look like deep
gashes kut intu a ripe tomato, hiz
noze is the komplexshun Of ov half
billed lobster, and the grizzle in his
gullet sticks out like an elbow in a
a tin fender.
The more villainous the drink the
more inveterate are those who drink
it. I kant tell yer whether cider
brandee will shorten an old suckers
days or not, for they generally out
live all the rest of the nsbors, and
die Just as soon as the old tavern
stand changes hands and is opened
on temperance principals. One bot
tie of sassaparilla or ginger popp il
as a rife ball IL to bed bugg.
I would do slmoste ennything but
murder tew save young man from
Jersey lightning, but trying to save
an old one IL like trieing tew put the
fire out ov a holler log; you might
az well let it burn up, for the ashes
is worth more than the log.