The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1870-12-22
Josh Billings on Country Hotels.

and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways,
some on the European plan, and many ov
them on no plan at all.
A good landlord is like good steps
mother, he knows his Dizziness and means
to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with
JOY when traveller draws nigh, he knows
how 10 smile, he knows your wife's faith
er when he was living, and your wife's
first husband, but he don't speak to you
about him.
He Kan tell you whether it viii. rain
tomorrow or not; he hears your kom-
plants with tear in his eye, he blows
up the servants at yure suggestion, and
stands around reddy with shirt collar OH
as stiff as broken china.
A man may be good Supreme Court
Judge, and at the same time be a misera-
BILE landlord.
Most everybody thinks be kan keep
hotel land they kan), but this ackounts
for the great number of hotels that air
kept on the same principle that a Justiss
of the peace offiss is kept in the country
during six days jury trial for killing
somebody's yellow dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself and keep the
landlord too, ard ever kure a traveller
from the habit Of profane swearing.
hav had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me cuss
wuss.
1t is too often the kase that landlords
go INTO the Dizziness of hash as ministers
go into the prOtesshun, with The very best
oV motives, but the poorest kind of pros
poets.
don't know ov any Dizziness more
tiat!ersum than the tavern Dizziness; there
don't seem TO be anything to do but to
stand In front of the register with pen
behind the ear and see that guests enter
the house, then yank bell rope six or
seven times, and then tell John to show
the gentleman to 976, and then take four
dollars and fifty cents next morning from
the poor devil oy a traveller and let him
went
This seems to be the whole rand it is
the whole thing IN most cases.
You will diskover the following de-
skrlptlon mild one, ov about nine hotels
out ov len between the Atlantick aud Pa
chick Oshuns akrost the United States in
straight line:
Your room is s feet inches, by Q
foot inches, parolellogramly.
1t being court week res usul1 all the
good rooms are employed by tie lawyers
and Judges.
You're room is on the uppermost floor.
The carpet is ingrain-ingrained with
dust, kerosine lie and ink>spots of four
generashuns.
There is two pegs in the room to hitch
coats into; one ov them broke oph and
the other pulled out and missing.
The buro has three legs and one a
brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two
pivots which have lost their grip.
There is one towel on the rack, thin,
but wet The rain water In the pitcher
cum out of the well. The soap il as tutf
to wear as whetstone.
The soap is sented with cinnamon lie,
yariegated with spots.
Thare IL chairs, cane seters, one IL a
rocker, and all three is busted.
There IL a match box empty.
| There IL no kurtain to the window,
and thare don't want TO be any you can I
| see out, and who kan see in
The bell rope is kun oph about six
inches this side of the ceiling
The bed is modern slat bottom, with
two mattresses, ole cotton, one husk, and
both harder and about az thick az a sea
biskit
Yu enter she bed sideways and kan
feel every slat at once, az eazy az yu could
the ribs of grid-iron.
The bed is inhabited.
You sleep sum, but roll over a good
| deal
For breakfast you have a gong, and
rye coffee too kold to melt butter fried
potatoes which resemble the chips that a
two inch sugur makes in its journey thro'
an oak log.
Bread spilled, beefetake about as thick
as blister plaster, and as tough as a
hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, few scared
to death pickles on one of them, and six
by endorsed crackers on the other.
A pewterinktuEa castor with bottles
in IT, one without any pepper in it, one
without any mustard, and one with two
inches of drowned flies, and some vinegar
In it.
Servant girl, with hoops on, hangs
around yu earnestly and wants to know il
you want another cup oy coffee.
Yu say ''No nam, thank yu," and
push back yure chair.
Yu haven't eat enough to pay fur pick
ing yure teeth.
am as self conseatcd az it will do foI
a man to be and not crack open, but
never yet conseited that / could keep 6
hotel. had rather be higwayman thar
to be some landlords hev visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a joy uPor
. earth. where a man pays his bill az cheer