The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1870-02-03
A Screet from Josh Billings.
WHEELING, Va.

Ilectured here last mite on Milk" and
the aujience seemed tew relish the liquor.
Wheeling il the capital of West Virginia,
and IL lokated on the south side ov the Ohio
river; ninety-fve miles below Pittsburgh,
and trife over thirty-fve hundred miles
west ov London and Liverpool.
1t il very orderly town. I saw no one
murdered during my stay.
They hav a mayor and some common
council-very worthy men, / am told
which sounds funny enuff to New Yorker
who have learned to look upon few months
in States prison az necessary polish Tor
the municipal board.
Mules are also very thick here. I counted
eight yesterday strung onto one wagging,
driven bi o venerable and mature darby,
and drawing about ton-not a load to ex-
cite the marvel and indignashun oV our
humane Bergh. Mules in Wheeling seem
to have lost their ambishun, or left it at
hom. Their ears al lop like corn that is
ripe and ready to pluck from the stalk, and
they don't pay any more attenshun tew the
flies than On empty sugar hogshead duz.
think theze eight mules must have had
six quarts ov flies on them q didn't count
them) all stuck fast, and it waz only now
and then that mule waved hiz tail.
I don't kno whether this inattenshun to
the flies waz owing to the paRhunce or phi
losophy of the mules, or to the fakt that
mot generally known) that the mule can't
hear. A mule kan kick further than he
kan hear.
Sum or the least edukated of the natu-
ralists will be inklined to doubt this assur-
shun or mine, that the mule is def, but i
will bet emmy ov them 10 dollars ov it, and
put the money in Chief Justice Chase's
hand.
After hay won the money, Chase may
give it to sum deserving charity-sich, for
instance, as the wmmins' rights commit
tee" or Bergh's "cruel animal organiza-
shun." I don't believe in winning bet
unless you lay out the money immijiately
in morals or fust-klass beneyolence.--
Wheeling haz bizzinsss}0ok to its coun-
tcnance. The xhes1rfs are stuck full ov
steamb93tts, and prosperity walks round the
.p tex with his hiz hands stuck deep into his
pockets, whistling that benign and Timber
old tune " Daniel Tucker haz arrived"
waz particularly struck with the buty
ov the young ladys here, so much so that
mi wife differed entirely with me and de-
clared she couldn't see it.
Mi wife il woman oy unerring judge
ment, but she kant bear tew hay me brag on
other femails !; she calls it wasting my ia
Tents, which have been entrusted to me for
other and better purposes"
The late ackt oy emansipashun has
thrown vast lot oy negros out ov employ
ment in Wheeling; they don't seem teW
hay emmy thing to do, only tew belong tew
themsclf, which IL the. hardest kind ov work
for the poor phellows.
The negro must be elevated or destroyed ;
not elevated by the hair ov the head, fol-
that il too short holt, but by learning him
tew work for himself.
Emmy man who haz leerned tew work for
himself IL three-quarters elevated.
| Mi wife land meg leave here tomorrow
for Cincinnati. .....
Ut may not be generally known, but
state it here, once for all, that mi wife il
the principal woman in our family
Wheeling will long Enger round the por-
tails ov mi heart. I bav had no pull backs
since entered the city; everything ha7
slipped az easy az boys sled, and shall
leave tomorrow with tear in mi eye ant
80 dollars in mi pocket, the net receipt o1
mi lectur.
Thare il crate deeal of phun in deliv,
ering comic lekturs, eepeshilly if the lex
turs are phunny, but it takes man o.
CRATE strength to write comic lcctur.
He haz got tew be OF strong OF Sampson
Mi lektur on Natral History il not neal
az phunny az I could make it if Ionly knew
how. ...
But I am learning sumthing new every
day, and in few years from now I expek
to improve.
spell crate deal better this year thai
did last; mi friends all motifs it..
TT is worthy Of notice that Josh ignore
West Virginia. He dates his screed q
| INl.aal;nc. Ia ]