, 1870-10-09
JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.


Hotels are hcuses ev refuge, homes for the
yagrapts, the married na1H retreat, and the
Bachelors h1esi0e. ....
They are kept in ali sorts ov WAYS, sum GU
t TIE E,fvPean plAn' aud "enn' 0v them on no
i good landlord IL like good stepmotl,er,
lie knows hiz hiznesa and means to do biz
duty.
Ho knows how to rub biz hands with joy
when 1he traveller draws nigh. he kroxB how
TO smile, ho knows yure wite's f.ther When he
WV living and Su1e wife's ftat husband. but
hc don't speak about him.
lie kan tell whether it will rain tomorrow
0. not he hears yure complaints With tear
il, his eye, he bldwr up ihr servants st yure
suggestion, and staud- aroupd reldy With a
shirt collar AZ stin ~ broken china,
\ 1oau mhy be r'.fa suprca..a court jndGG,
and at the same time be miserable lan.liorsi
Most evrybcdy thinks be Kan keep hotel
tand they kan) but tlis ackonnts for the
Erent Number ov hotels that are kept On tho
r.rne principle that justiss ov the peace
o.l;se IL kept IN country during six days
jury trial for killing sunlboddy's yeDo aorg.
4 hotel wont keep Itself and keep tie 1aua-
lord too, aud ever kure traveller from the
habit OF l,rofane swearing.
hav Ind this experiment fnad on me sav-
elal times, and Il alwus mikes me swear
wuss.
ltiz too often the kaso that landlords 60
TITO tie oiz1lueea ov hash rs minister's goiuto
the profcsshun, with the very boet ov ulo-
tlses. bur the poorest kind oT prospects.
l don't know oy ailv bizzioees more ts3ttet-
suc, than the tavern bizzuees. thero don't
tcem to Re annything TO do bnt to stand IN
front Of the register with a pan behind tho
car and see that the gneats chser the house,
then yank a bc1l-zopo si1 or teyen unAs, and
then tell John to sho the gentleman to e76,
AMI then take four dollars aud tiftv ceuts
lt.xf 1y4rF TT -
ler and let him w5nt. III.
This seems 10 bc the whoIs thing (auI it Il
the whole taing) in most easeb.
iu will oisEover thu following deskuipshuu,
mild enc, or about hotelt out OF ~ be-
tween the Attantick and l'ac,fick Oahups
ak1aBt the United States in a straight line;
You're room is u foot & iuchea, by foot
inches. paraile!ograHly.
It being eou1t week {ez usaal) ali the good
rooms ars employed bi the lawyera and
Jr5Ses.
You're rocn Il on the uttcrmost f1oer.
The caS1tt u ingrs!n-ingrainel with tho
duet, kerosene lie and ink-spots 1v four gen
erathuus.
There IL two peEu in the room tew hitch
coata onto; one OF them broke o}ih nnd the
other pulled out. aud missing.
The buro hss three legs and one brick.
Tie ctass to the euro swings On two pivots,
which haze lcet their grip
Tbare il one towel on the rack, thin, bui
wet, The rain water in tho pitcher cum out
oy the well
The soap Il az tut to wear AZ q whctstone.
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie, aud
sariEased viii, spots.
Thare IL three cllairs, cane seetcrz. one IL
Iecler, and all three is busted.
Thare il match, box, empty.
1haHe il no kurtin to the window, and
thare dou't want to be any; I'll KNIT see out,
aud who kan zee in.
The bell rope IL cum oph abont six inches
tfNs ride ov tho eei'ine.
The bed IL Il modern slat bottom. with two
NattrceFes. oDe cotton and ono huak, and
both harder, and about az thick AZ i sea
lirkit,
1u enter the lied side wavs and kan feel ev-
cry Fiat At orce. ss easr az you could the riha
Of grid iron.
The bed IL Inhabited.
u pleer come bur roll over a good deal.
tee too kold 10 melt butter fried potatoes
which resemble the chips that two-iucl
anger mskes in its journey through an oae
lY.
Tread soilcd, hecf etaks about az thisk Al
blister Tlatiet, and AZ tough IA hounds
I es-.
Table covered with plates. few ec.rcd IL
/ doreed crackers on the other
\ A rewterinkinm castor with three bottlea il
| it. one "itlnnt any pepper in if, one without
any mustard, aud one with two inches oi
drowned tlics. aud euta vinegar in It.
Servant gal, With huops on, hangs arornd
go earnestly. and wants 10 know ii ~ w.ut
another cnp ov coffee.
! fns%s "No NOM, shknk yu," and pusl
back yure chair.
| In hayn't eat cnuu to pay for picking sure
| tseth.
| am about AZ eelf-copseated az It will do fol
e man 10 be and not crack open. but he4el
get consaitea that could keep hotel: hst
rather be hie,weyrnnn than to bs sum land
lords have visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a Joy upon tllt
earth. where Inan pays hiz bill ~ chce1fu!.s
HI he did the parson who married him. wllar.
" kant tiud the landlord unle.s I'll hunt il
the kitchen. where servants glide around like
sngele ov mercy wharo the bells TT mani
back like the feathers on goose. and whar,
the vittlss taste just az tho yura wife or yu1
mother had fried them.
Thexe kind ov hotels ought tew be bjlt o.
wheels and travel around Inc country; the
are just u i,hnil OF real comfort AZ . shAnk:
I giving ruulinp hut a1aat yeA Atasst thcy Al