Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-01-21
Anaproas.
A TorSe farmer who inquired the best way

tDe EOW40Et lsi nc Keeps hAa ~ Ane sAA4S aatnc'
ABASGkRous ebaraoter-A man who s'takes
life cheerfally
Why is iron somstimes like band OF rob-
bers2 Because it is united to steel.
When a sportsman fires into covey Of par
tridgee he makes them all quail.
wmcH is the Oldest tree in the world2 The
elder tree, Of course.
THE most difficult feature to the sketcher
in penciling Rebekah at the well is drawing
water.
FouR bachelors in q town 10 Vermont have
bought pew together, the first one married
to be the sole owner.
SONS Of the strong minded women de-
nounce matrimony, because they say there is
something childish in it
a witty lady being asked her opinion Of
mustaehes, replied 4 always set my face
against them
A young lady being recommended exercise
for her health said II am willing to jump
at any offer and run the risk.
WY was Desdemoua the most discomfort.
ed Of all women Because the moor she had
the moor she wanted.
Way was the whale that swallowed Jonah
ike retired milkman? Because he got a
profit prophet out Of the water.
The first day little boy went to school the
teacher asked him if he could SPELL eyes,
sir. "WeI, how do you spell boy?" cob,
Just as other folks do.
BRIGHAM calls 1t 'blasphemous twaddle' il
il any Of his wives suggest there are too ma.
ny oftheul
n is generally believrd that Cowper was
a Freemason, as he wished to erect "a lodge
in some vast wilderness.
A handsome girl at Utica went crazy the
other day because her parents wouldn't let
her marry a fellow seven feet high and red
headed
BUFFALO girls are very saucy. May I see
you homer enquired lad of a lass at
church. ''You may see me any where you
ike, but you can't walk with me, was the
pert response.
A Canadian postmaster had keg of
damaged powder, and to see If it was good
for anything he threw lump into the fire.
place. Il cost his widow $3.50 to put new
root on the post office.
MAcGlE M'Maaon is a Cleveland lady who
induced John Stanton to marry her a few
days since by deciding him lot Of land. The
document, as recorded, contains the condition
that the marriage should be immediate.
Il think I have seen you before, sir, g
said one gentleman to another. 'Are you
not Owen SMITH" "Oh yes, replied the
other, I'm OWN Smith, and OWN Jones,
and OWN Brown, and OWN everybody"
"Do you say that as a lawyer or man?n
exclaimed an exasperated witness whom a
lawyer was scoring down; ''ifyou say It as a
man, it is lie and a slander; but if you say
it as lawyer, It's not of the slightest con.
sequence.
A husband advertises thus My wife
Maria has atrayed or been stolen. Whoever
returns her viii get his head broke. As to
trusting her, any body can do SO if they see
fit for as 1 never pay my own debts, it's not
likely I'll pay her'n
WHEy Daniel Webster and his brother Eze.
Hel were together, they had frequent literary
disputes, and on one occasion, after they had
retired to bed. they entered into squabble
about a certain passage of one of their school
books, and having risen to examine Of the au.
thorities Of their possession, they sat their
bed-clothes on FIRE, and nearly burned their
fathers dwelling. On being questiong the
next morning in regard to the accident, Dan
iel remarked ''That he was in pursuit of
light, but got more than they wanted"
A MAN who had several apprentices was ac.
customed to feed the them quite largely on
bean soup. This was all well enough at first,
but after little while, with each successive
soup, a smaller number Of beans appeared.
One day at table, after the good man had
said grace over it, a Ia Squeers, one Of the
boys, after scrutinizing examination of his
dish, was seen to suddenly rise from his chair
and commence 10 strip. "What are YOU
about there, Tom?' exclaimed the master
Going to9dive for bean!n was the reply.
THE following IS old bat will bear reading
often wealthy man was one day so much
amused by the wit Of his foolish attendant,
that he gave him his cane, but told him that
whenever he should find greater fool than
himself be must return the cane. In process
Of time the rich man ueared his death. Send.
ing for this fool, he bade him farewell.
"Where are you going?" asked the fool.
''To another world. 'When will you re-
turn ~ 'Oh, never.'' 'Have Won made
preparation for the journey?'' "Alas I have
not" Then, master, take back your cane !;
never could there be a folly so great as that. -
4 YANKEE wagered Dutchman that he
could swallow him. The Dutchman lay
down upon board and the Yankee bit his
toe severely. The victim screamed with pain
and told him TO stop.
why, ye 'tarnal fool, cried Jonathan.
''ye don't think I'm going to swallow We hull.
do ye?'
The same fellow wagered another Dutch.
man that be could throw him across the Chi.
cago river. He pitched him some ten or IF
teen feet into the water, and he swan to the
shore and claimed the stakes.
"No you don't" said the Yankee, reso-
lutelyi do you think 1 m going to give it up
50? No, sir; I'll do it, II I try all day"
TIE maidens of Chicago have learned a
trick or two from the married women as to
the power Of the courts. One Of them kept
her betrothed on his good behavior by threats
Of suit for breach of promise. Ifhe was
absent from her for two days there came a
note
''Darliag--If l do not see you in two hours
l shall commence the suit Thy adoring
MARION. .