The morning star and Catholic messenger. [volume] (New Orleans [La.]) 1868-1881, 1870-04-17
nelaias zStYa sed GatheIie Messenger.


An old lady of our acquaintance is q
susceptible to cold that she won't even us
moist sugar.
A New Jersey grocer, when complaine.
TO about selling bad eggs, said, cat thi
time OF the year hens are sick, and Otter
Every bodyknows what sacrosticn means
cross stick an editor can be when he ha,
to read bushels of such nonsense. !.
A Boston paper mentions an individual
there who "clasps his hands so fervently II
prayer that he can't get them open when
the contribution boz is passed round"
e. A rude fellow once told Mr.. Barnum he
had never exhibited anything that wasn't 8
bar3faced humbug. Yes, have" sale
Barnum; "the Bearded lady wasn't bare.
faced"
A MILITARY officer boasts, through the
papers, that his men " would rally at the
tap of the drum" Perhaps they would
rally still more promptly at the tap of q
tavern. -
You can do anything, if you only have
patience" said an old uncle, who had made
q fortune, to nephew who had nearly
spent one "water can be carried in sieve
If yon only wait till it freezes"
Now, my child said a schoolmistress,
hope You will be good, SO that I shall
NY AAvo 10 whip you again.. II you must
whip any one," said the youngster, +" you'd
better whip one of your own SIZE"
Chow are ye, Smith 2" says Jones' Smith
pretends not to know him, and replies hest
tatingly, I" Sir, you have the advantage of
me-" "Yes, ~ retorts Jones, " s'pose so |;
every has shat's got common sense"
A dandy at hotel table, who wanted
the milk passed to him, thus asked for it {:
Please send your COW this way" To
whom the landlady retort.d, !" Waiter, take
the COW to where the calf is bleating."
Here, this is bah shilling,n said a
shopkeeper to a lad who had preferred a
counterfeit coin for a loaf. "Oh, indeed"
replied the young rogue, as he hurried of,
"then Pll not trouble You for the change"
A man tried for marrying six wives, on
being asked how he could be such a hard
ened villain as to delude so many, replied
with great nonchalance, "Why, please
your worship, I was trying to get a good
one"
"Is it not astonishing" said wealthy
individual, "that a large fortune was left
ne by person who had only seen me
once Z" cit would have been still more
astonishing" said wag, " if he had left it
to you after seeing you twice."
A husband advertises thus: "M My wife,
Maria, has strayed or been stolen. Who
ever returns her will get his head broke.
As to trusting her, anybody can do SO if
they see fit for as never pay my own
debts, it's not likely I'll pay her'n,"
The following is a verbatim copy of the
certificate attached to the return of a post
master in Shawnee county, Missouri: 81
hereby certify that the four going A Counte
is as near Rite as iAo how to make it. if.
thare is any mistake it is not Dun a Pur-
pers."
Opie was ence engaged to paint the por-
trait of lady, who, whenever she thought
the painter was touching the mouth, twist
ed it up in the most ridiculous manner
Opie, who was a blunt mau, said very
quietly, MADAM, if you wish the mouth
left out, will omit it with pleasure"
A traveller was lately Boosting of the
luxury of arriving late, after a hard days
journey, to partake of IA well-cut ham and
the left leg Of goose; Pray, sir" said
gentleman, "what is the peculiar luxury of
a left leg ~ "Sir," said the traveller, "to
its luxury, you must perceive, that
it is the only leg that happens to be left"
A country lad, newly engaged, presented
to his master one morning pair of boots,
the leg of one of which was longer than
the other. Chow comes It, you young ras
cal, that these boots are not of the same
length ?" asked the master. :" really do |
not know SIR" replied the boy, g but what
bothers me most is that the pair down
stairs is just like EN-"
In Scotch town recently n man from |
the country applied to u respectable lawyer |
for legal advice. After detailing the cir
of the case, he was asked if he |
had stated the facts exactly as they had
"Ou, ay, SIR" reioined the APP
plicapt; {" / thocht it best to tell you the |
plain truth, you can put the Ices tilt yer
self"
Said one student to another, whom he
caught swinging scythe most Justify in "a
field of stout grass, " Frank, what makes
You work for q livingq a fellow with your
talent and abilities should not be caught
engaged in hard labor. l mean to get my
living by my wits" "Well, Bill, you can
work with duller tools than can, was the
reply.
A clergyman in the country had stran-
ger preaching for him one day, and meeting
his beadle, he said to him, Well, Saun-
ders, how did you like the sermon to- day 2"
9 I watna, sir, it was rather DER plain and
simple for me-" said the beadle. 81 like
the sermons that bejumbles the joodgment
and confounds the sense; 'od, sir, never
raw ane that could come up to yourself at
hiatt
Aunt Dirah could shout and sing with
he best of the church members. It was
common at the missionary meeting to sing
he hymn, " Fly abroad, thou mighty Cos
pei, while the collection was being taken,
and Aunt Dinah always threw her head
pack, shut her eyes, and sung away Justify
ill the plate had passed. The sable col
a0fr Vrt~z 4. L.