Nebraska advertiser., 1870-01-13
The Josh Billings PaPeFs-Fe-
male Remarks.

The Josh Billings PapeFS-Ee-
male Remarks.
Dear girls, are yu in search Ov a
husband?
This il a pumper, andyu are not re-
quired tew say "Yesh out loud, but
are expedited tew throw yure eyes
down into the earth, az tho yu waZ
lOOkin fur pin, and reply tew the in
terrOgatiOn with a kind of drawd in
sigh, az tho yu wuZ eatin an oyster,
juice and all, off from the half shell.
Now tew press so tender q theme
until il becomes a thorn in the flesh,
we will presume (tew avoid argument)
that yu are on the lookout fur sum-
thing in the male line tew boost yu in
the uphill Ov life, and tew keep his
eyes ON the britching when yu begin
tew go down the other side Ov the
mountain. Let me give yu sum
small chunks Ov advice how tew spot
yure future husband:
1. The man who il jellOus Ov every
little attenshun which yn git from
sum other fellow, yu will find, after
yu are married tew him, luvs himself
more than he duz yu, and what yu
mistOOk fur sOlissitude, yu will dis
kOver, haz changed into indifference.
JellOusy isn't a heart disease, it il a
liver kOmplaint.
2. A mustash IL not otindispensible
it iz only a little more hair, and il a
good deal like moss and other eXcTes-
senees-often duZ the best on sile that
won't raize ennything else. Don't
fOrgit that those things which yu adj
mire in a fellow before marriage, yU
will probably hav tew admire in a
husband after, and a mustash will git
tew be q very weak diet after a Ion
time.
3. If husbands could be took on
trial, az Irish cooks are, tew-thirds Ov
them would probably be returned ;
but there don't seem tew be emmy law
iur this. Therefore, girls, you will see
that after you git man, you have got
teW keep him, even if yu lose on him.
Consequently, if yu hav got emmy cold
vittles in the house, try him on them
once in while, during securing sea
son, and if he swalleTs them well, and
sez he will take sum more, he IL a man
who, when blue Monday Gums, will
wash well.
4. Don't marry q pheller who liz al
wuz a telling how hiZ mother du1
things. 1t iZ az hard tew suit theZI
men az it IL tew wean young one.
5. If yung man kan beat yu play
ing on a pianner, and kant hear fish
horn playing in the street withOu
/ turning a back summersett on accOun
Ov the musick that IL in him, l say
skip him /; he might answer tew tent
babe, but if yu set him a hOeing on
the garden, you will find that yu hay
got tew do it yourself. A man WHO'S
whole heft lies in musick land no
very hefty at that, amt no better 70
a husband than a seedlitZ powder, bu
if he luvs tew listen while yu sinl
sum gentle ballad, yu will find him
mellow, and 80 soft. But don't MARI,
enuybOdy for jist one virtew enn,
quicker than yu would flop man 70
jist one fault.
6. It IL one Ov the most tuffes
things for a female tew be an oil
maid successfully. A great menn,
haz tried it, and made a bad job of it
| EvrybOdy seems teW look upon oil
maids jist az they do upon dried herb
in the garret handy for sickness
and-therefOre, girls, it amt mistak
that yu should be willing tew swol
yurself Oph, with sum true phellOy
! fur a true husband. The swOp liz
good one, but don't swOp fur enn,
man who il respectable jist pecaus
hiz father liz, Yu had better be al
old maid fur 4 thousand years, ant
| then Join the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price. No woman
ever made this trade-whO didn't gi
either a phoOl, a mean cuss, ora clowI
| for husband.
Z. In digging down into this sub
| iect, l find the digging grows harde
| the further l git. 1t liz much easiet
to inform you who not to marry, thar
who tew, fur the reason there iz mOrt
Ov them.
| don't think yu will fOller mi ad
vice, if / give it; and therefore I viii
keep it, for look upon advis az do
upon castOrril-R mean dose tew give
and a mean dose tew take.
But l must say one thing, girls, o.
spile. If yu kan find a bright-eyed
healthy and well-ballasted boy, whC
looks upon poverty az sassy az a chilC
looks upon wealth, who had rather si
down on the curb-stun, in front Ov the
5th avenue hotel, and eat ham sand
wich, than tew go inside and run IL
debt for hiz dinner and tOOthpick-
one who iz armed with that kind Ol
pluck that mistakes a defeat fur a vic
tory, my advise il tew take him body
and sOle-snare him at unst, fur he Il
a stray trout, Ov a breed very skase il
our waters.
Take him. I say, and bid onto him
az hornets bid onto tree.