The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1870-01-07

likely to invest in some bottle stuff.
A man attempted to spell crOckery
the other day, and proceeded thus =
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS" but expired in a
spasm before he could make a V,
with which he intended to end the
word. 80
Flat surfaces are better than round
poles for chickens to rOost on, as the
fowls cover their feet and keep them
from freezing in winter.
The fearfully narrowing medical IL
ties bestowed on trifiing ailments is
the bandage with which non-inquir-
ers are blindfolded. When q young
ster has a bloody nose, the physician
learnedly illuminates a silly mother
by prOnoUncing her child "affiicted
with epistdTis."
'liow are you, BrOOm?" asked bluff
old sailor Of fOp, who was always an
noyed unless addressed as Mr.. Broom,
and who responded, 'Pd have you to
know, sir, that Tve handle TO my
name" ''Oh, all right, how are you,
BroOmhandle
A scholar out west, during his pars-
ing exercise, came to thewOrd with, -
which he boldly declared "a noun. !"
'You have neverseen itused as such, /"
replied the teacher "But l have,
though" confidently retorted the
young hopeful" "Where?" Doesn't
the Bible say, 1fBind me with seven
aCttIts, and / shall be as another man?p
The dwellers on the streets of Mem
phis were startled by loud cries of
murder, and when the person from
whom the cries proceeded was found,
he replied to anxious inquiries, '"that,
being an orphan, having no father or
mother, or other kins-people, and
feeling lonely, he concluded to gather
a crowd for company.
One-half of the awe inspired by a
visit to the drug shops would be dissi-
pated if callers would remember that
the jar labelled "iSyrnps drdnti criti-
cesn contains a tea of orange peel
thickened with sugar, that "GLycer-
ThizdrddiG" is licOrice root, and that
"Arua fOntdnd" is Schuylkill water.
From the burial place of Alexander
Won Humboldt, at Schloss, Tegel, on
the 24th of October, the whole OF the
border, consisting of more than sixty
/ blooming monthly roses within the
ratings, and a part of the lockwood
frame outside the pailings, have been
dug up by dishonest hands and taken
away. The owner of the castle offers
reward of 20 thalers to any person
bringing the criminals to justice. ?
The report of the Public Printer for
the year ending September 30th, 1869,
is out. The principal fact of general
interest in it is that the whole expen-
diture of the printing office was 81,
507,240, which is about 500, 600 more
than the expense of last year, and
81, 900 less than 1867. He recommends
the enlargement of his building, at an
estimated cost of 100000.
OF all women she is the most to be
pitied who has slow paced suitor; he
is worse than a retrogading one. How
admirable, how perfectly satisfactory
was the conduct of the Puritan, who
rode up to the door of the house of the
girl of his choice, and having her call
ed out to him, said, without circumlo-
cution, "Rachael, the Lord hath sent
ME to marry thee ~ The girl an
swered with equal promptness and de-
vOutness, "The Lords will be done %
fMOther," said a sharp little boy,
''is it wicked to say damn?"
Certainly, my sOn-that would be
swearing"
tBut is it wicked to say Golfer
dam?"
"Oh no, my son-that is the name
of an inanirlate object, like house or
table"
/ 'eWell, mother, t" responded the young
hopeful, "the old COW has got a potato
in her throat, and if she don't look
out she'll coffer-dam head off"
Many persons are liable to extreme
suffering from felons on the finger
These Affections are not only painful,
but not unfrequently occasion perma-
nent crippling of the member affect
ed. The following simple concoction
is recommended as q sure cure for this
distressing ailn1ent !: Take common
rock salt, such as is used for sailing
pork and beef, dry it in an oven, then
pound it fine and mix it with spirits
of turpentine in equal parts. Put it
on a rag and wrap it around the
thumb; as It gets dry put on some
more, and in twenty-four hours we
are assured the felon will be dead.
The Empress Eugenia, during her
visit to ConstantinOple, made pres
ents to the amount of 100000. A
Paris letter states that the Empress,
ssome two months ago, left in pawn
with Mr.. Ledieu, general superintend-
ent of the public pawn-brOkers' offices
in France, a solid gold fOot-warmer,
with two lions carved upon it, and a
hygienic belt of the same material,
with diamond clasps, asking the loan
ofI40, 900 francs for one month. The
money was given, though by no
means Willingly.
Doctor Mary Walker hung out her
profes sional "shingle''at Leavenworth
Kansas, recently, and the CONNER
ciaI of that city records an amusing
incident in her professional life: Three
gentlemen called to see Doctor Mary
Stimulating sickness. One of them is
a legal light, remarkable for the length
of his head, and also of his beard.
This one feigned rheumatism, and sat
down in an afflicted manner. They
then all sat down, and the lady eyed
them askaIiee.f By and by they spoke.
saying that they had heard of theDOc-
tors fame, and came to be healed.
They each held out hand, desiring
her to feel their pulse. Gentlemen
said the lady, Il will undertake to cure
you, but / want a fee, please. Five
dollars in advance That's cheap
said one. Anyhow it's the regular
charge said another. The lady looked
on. saying nothing. Conversation be-
gan to flag, and the visitors made as
though they were feeling around their
clothes for the five dollars. The 81
lence grew embarrassing to all but the
lady, who sat looking like sphinx.
Then one of her visitors got up and
went out, then the other went out al
so; finally, the third got up and ran,
without even staying to say goodbye
to the doctor, or waiting for her to
write out her prescription. He did
not, however, get away so quickly but
that he heard the lady calling after
him: 1T takes three smarter men
than you to come fOOling around me-
Her patients having gone, the lady
IOohcu dTOuUu SIIllilIlS Hhc a SAINT.
A few days ago a very ylstarchly.
dressed individual called at an Out-Of
the-way shop on Howard street over
which hung the name of DR.. Jiff-
ries.
as the Doctor in?" he inquired of a
dilapidated darkey who answered his
summons. l5ss
He am dat, sar,r was the smiling
rejOinder.
''Ten him / think have got the
smallpox and wish to consult him."
The whites of the darkey's ewes
grew intense, and his dusky, complex
ion assumed rapidly creamy hue.
''Golly, boss, what you say?p
''Tell the doctor Pm sick with the
smallpox, and wish to see him."
The astOnished African gave a wild
leap, and darting through All inner
door, slamming it in the visitors face,
cried out:
''Leave dis yer hOuse-I don't want
no smallpox
"But the doctor"