The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-01-14

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SOMETHING sruHNIxa-AS lungihok
GIRLS say that men area ccvet-us -
WHAT word contains I'll the ettess -
The alphabet.
TIE policies Of the Washingsoo are
libesal Is to occupation.
WHAT tent would 1t be wen Il We could
all dwell in?-Con-tenk
WHEN q draft passes through q hank
does it give the clerks coldf
."IP. you beat me, Pn cad out the.
soldiers, as the drum said. q
THE evils from which q morbid man
suffers most are those that don't happen.
THE premium lazy man does all his
reading in autumn, because the season
turns the leaves.
Why is lawyer like sawyerf Be-
cause, whichever way he moveA down
must come the dust.
SPEAKING of the recent holidays, .
Nevada paper says: Pinfeathen with .
little meat attached, cost dollar" 1t al
luded TO chickens
A SOUTHERN paper suggests clean nap
kins to saloon keepers in this way: MAP
kins can't be made to run week without
getting wearied."
SOME of the Bostonians say they are
usually gratified at receiving specimens of
New Hampshire granite, but they would
prefer not to have them come packed In
butter.
GOVERNMENT has granted to railroads
$500, 794 acres of public lands, or 2O0,-
454 square miles-equal to the combined
area of Great Britain and France.
THERE is q steam-hammer ut Danville,
Pa, which cost $4,000, and which Will
crack mt without breaking the kernel,
or crush solid cannon ball with sixty
| ton blow.
"SrLENCE in the court room, there,
Numbered police magistrate, the other
morning; "the court has already COM
| mitted four prisoners without being able
to hear word of the testimony"
A PITTSBURGH thief, who had been
/ shop-lifting, when asked whether be had
anything to say, replied that he had taken
| the goods, but had intended to return them
after few days, and "astonish the pro-
prietor."
SAID an astronomer to abright-eyed girl,
when talking of rainbows: t" Did you ever
see a lunar bow, miss" have seen
4 Wy uuOOuItBut, bu8S W08t
You mean," was the shy rejoinder.
An old lady bought shroud for her
husband in Norwich, Conn, the other
day, remarkifg that he was not dead yet,
or particularly ailing, but she didn't
think she should ever be able to buy it 90
cheap again"
A LITTLE Sabbath school scholar said
she couldn't help laughing to think how
astonished Goliah pust have been when
the stone from David's sling hit him, o.
she didn't believe that such q thing ever
entered his head before.
A WRITER on paupeism spoke of the
great number of persons reduced to pow.
erty by the mysterious DEGREES of Provi
dence," and had the pleasure of reading
in print about the mysterious decrease
of provisions"
4 A FRENCH chemist has invented q fluid
T which will be found extremely valuable
by swindling debtors. A man who gives
his creditor promissory note moisten.
the paper with the fluid, and . month
afterward nothing remains of it but lit
tie dust.
Misunderstanding an appointment r
lady and disappointment to q tailor
and cross directing them. Paying you
rent punctually on quarter day to you
landlord, and being distrained on The
next day by his landlord Abusing q per
son whom you have never seen, to /,
stranger, who quietly observes that he Il
the man.
LIFE INSURANCE, known to be Judi
! cious and profitable investment of funds
, has also come to be regarded in the light
of moral obligation, by such persons q
ave given the subject Investigation ani
reflection; and many OF these men ar
! about to take policy in the Washington
Life Insurance Company of New York.
AN incorporated society hired man t.
blast rock, says Mark Twain, and he wa
punching powder into hole with . crow
bar, when q premature explosion followed
sending the man and crowbar out of sight
Both came down again all right; and ths
man went to work again directly. But
though he was gone only fifteen minutes
they docked him for lost time.
A RICHMOND girl limited to gentleman
that her thimble was nearly worn out, and
asked what reward she would receive fol
her industry. He made answer next day
by sending her new one, with the fol
lowing lines:
/ send thimble for fingers nimble, -
Which hope win At when ron try It;
1t will last you Ion g, il it's half - strong
As the hint which you gave me to buy II.