The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-03-04

Uair-lips-those with mOustacbes.
An auctioneer's epitah-gOne.
Misunderstanding your ears box
ed. ~. a.. ...
Frame for marriage certificate. A
cradle. f.. ....
Which senator wears the largest
hat? The one with the largest head.
Employment for women-To hold
their tongues.
What is the best kew for Christ
mas-box? A turkey. rs.-.
Natural ncatness - sweeping the
horizon with glass.
Why is boy who refuses to study
like a postage stamp? Because he is
licked and put i'm corner.
A lot Of BOYS were recently trying
to ascertain to what class the Tree Of
knowledge belonged, when one little
fellow gave it as his opinion that it
must be birch tree TfEF
A western editor, speaking of a
rogue who lives i'm this vicinity, says ::
"Thc rascal has broken every bank
and Jail and Sabbath we have had in
this country for the last five years."
"Why did Joseph's brethren put
him i'm pit p asked Buffalo Sunday
School teacher, and the reply he got
was: "Because there was no room for
him i'm the family circle
A priest asked a tipsy fellow lean
ing against the fence, where he ex-
pected to 60 when he died. "IfI
don't get along any hotter than now"
said the fellow, 81 shan't go nowhere. I"
A regular physician being sent for
by quack, expressed his surprise on
being in on an occasion apparently
trifling. mot so trifiing either" re-
piled the quack "for to tell you the
truth, have by mistake, taken some
of my own pills" E..
A lady advertises for sale one bab-
boon, three tabby cats, and a parrot.
She states that being now married,
she has no further use for them, for
the reason that their amiable qualities
are all combined in her husband.
"The fact is" said an orderly wife,
"a man does not know how to straight
ten up things. He does rot know
where to commence. l don't WONDER"
she remarked, i'm conclusion, "that
when God made Adam he went right
to work and made a woman to tell
him what to do"
"What made you quit the East?"
said man i'm Nevada to new COM
er. 81 got into trouble by marrying
two wives was the response. "Weil'
said the other, al came out here be.
cause | got into trouble by marrying
only one wife, "And l." added
''came hero, because got
into trouble by simply promising to
marry one
"Come here, Sissy" said young
gentleman to little girl, to whose
sister he was paying his addresses,
" you are the sweetest thing on earth"
" amt" she replied, "sistcr says you
are the sweetest" The gentleman
" popped the question" the next day.
What is the difference between
soldier and a fashionable ladyf One
faces the powder, and the other pow
dcrs the face.
"Idon't believe its any use, this
said a Yankee; 81 had
a child vaccinated, and he fell out of a
week after, and got killed.
An Irishman went TO live i'm Scot
land for a short time, but didn't like
the country. al was sick all the time
| was there" said he; and if l had
lived there till this time, I'd been dead
a year ago."
William, thee knows L never call
names but, William, If the
Mayor of the city were to come 10 me,
and say, Joshua, l want thee to find
me the biggest liar in all Philadelphia
| would come to thee and put my
hand on thy shoulder, and say to thee,
William, the Mayor wants to see
thee"
81 meant to have told you of that
hole" said a gentleman to his friend
who was walking with him in his
garden, and stumbled into pit full
Of water. "No NATTER" said the
friend, blowing the mud and water
out of his mouth, "I've fomdit."
An irrepressible boy of five years, !
who was always compelled to keep
quiet on Sunday, having grown weary
toward the close of a Sabbath day,
frankly and honestly approached his |
excellent but rather strict father, AID |
bravely said: "Pa, lets have little
spiritual fun This was too much,
not only for the gravity but for the
strictness of the father, and for once
he "let mater caper" till bedtime.