Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-03-24
Humorous Readings.

What tune can make any one glad ?
Fortune.
Church chimes in Philadelphia play
90 Shoe, fly n
IT a man marry y shrew, are we to-
suppose him shrewd!
The New York ladies improve their
with pulverized gravestones.
Dangerous navigation is doubly dam
gerous in doubling the cape of pretty
woman.
"A Philadelphia boarding school has
lust graduated five Saliies and two Sadies,
but not one Sarah.
A Hoosier has been winding clock
daily for twenty years, without discover
ing that it was an eight-day clock.
Fond Mamma" And what would
Johnny do if poor mamma were to die ?"
Johnny" Eat up all the sugar"
An Ohio journal prints the names of
its delinquent subscribers upside down, as
hint that they ought to settle up.
The story OF man who had a nose so
large that he couldn't blow it without the
use Of gunpowder is said to be hoax.
DR. Mary Walker objects to the pre-
sent style of female apparel, because it de-
stroys all idea of form about the waist.
-"pm ruined" as the old lady said
when her house was on fire "but, it's q
cold night, and | may as we'll warm my
self"
"A ST. Louis husband wants divorce
because his wife gives him chloroform to
make him lie still nights, so she can go
ont to meet her lover.
1.-THE greatest organ in the world"
said wicked old bachelor, sis the organ
of speech in woman, because it is an or
gan without stops
The latest dodge of confidence men
is to make their checks payable to the
order of their victim, and then oil the
back so that he cannot endorse it,
A new pill has been invented in
Albany. 1t is made Of India rubber.
One box cures cold and renders your
overcoat impervious to water.
"A butcher in New York city recently
despatched his wife with a cleaver. The
tiger evidently disregarded his vow to
"cleave unto her all his days"
Sydney Smith once said, "Philan-
thropy is a universal sentiment of the
human heart; whenever A sees B in
trouble he always wants G to help him. "
An Illinois woman, who wanted to
go to a masquerade party as Mary Queen
Of Scots, looked through the Bible to
ascertain how the character was dressed.
"A youth who rescued young woman
from suicide in the Erie canal has been
arrested for assault and battery. He
wrenched her ohignon out of shape.
"A man in Natick was arrested last
week for breaking into the lookup. He
can now try the experiment of breaking
out, on the principle that good rule
works both ways.
-Undisprivacied is the latest coined
word, whatever it may mean, and is APP
propriately called by an exchange ga
four-story polysyllabla with French
roof"
Eight kinds of kisses are mentioned
in the Scriptures: the kisses of salutation,
valGdiction, reconciliation, subsection, APP
probation, alteration, treachery and affec-
ton.
Mark Twain hearing of an unsuc-
cessful attempt at boring for water in
California, remarked, why don't they
go round and try the other end there
must be water somewhere
Have you ever seen the Prince OF
Wales y asked lady of an old salt in
New Bedford. Certainly, marin, saw
prints of 'em in the primer long afore I
ever went to sea-" said Tarpaulin.
"A rich man of Nashville closes his
will with the provision that none of the
requests shall be paid until mice monu-
ment" is put up over his grave. There
will be lively marble cutting in Nash
vile.
"A drunken drayman drove with a
load of hams twenty-one times about a
block in Cincinnati, one day last week,
imagining that he was making straight
trip to market. That load travelled about
seven miles before policeman stopped its
circuit.
Our British cousins are getting face
tious. Some ancient introduced bill in
the House of Commons to compel rail-
road companies to furnish foot warmers
in the cars. 1t was killed by an amend
and overooats.
"A new physiological discovery has
been made by young man-namely, that
the pulse of young ladies beats stronger
in the palm of the hand than at the wrist
AS to move elderly females, even little
boys know by stern experience that the
palm of the maternal hand beats awful
strong.
"A gentle Quaker had two horses, a
very good and very poor one. When
seen riding the latter, it turned out that
his better half had taken the good one.
"What !" said a sneering bachelor, show
comes it that you let your wife ride the
better horse ?" The only reply was ::
Friend, when thee be married thee'll
know"
Wilhelmina, sister of Frederick the
Great, thus describes her wedding attire.
ga royal crown was placed upon my
head, together with twenty-four curls of
false hair, as big as my arm. could not
hold up my head as it was too weak for
80 great. My gown was very rich silver
brocade, trimmed with gold lace. and my
train was twelve yards long, 1 thought I
should have died under this dress" We
think so too.
There are in every community men
who, by means indirect and undetermined,
manage to accumulate wealth, but who
invariably accumulate with it the con-
tempt and odium of the community.
Such man was Mr.. P, who long
resided in Hoboken, but who finally, in
the course of nature, yielded to the Great
Destroyer. A legal gentleman, famous
not only for forensic ability, but for a
peculiar power of trenchant satire, was
speaking of the defunct, and what bless
ing it was, on the whole, that he had
gone. Said he, 81 don't pretend to know
how it was in hell when this man died,
but in Hoboken I know there was great
rejoicing"
Many citizens of Northern birth, who
have settled in Tennessee since the war,
are taking active measures against the
plan for congressional Intervention in