Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-04-08
8nmnrons.

\ LOCK of hair from young woman's head
Is nften key to young mans heart
A Norro FOR FRauDULENr BASkRurrs -
The best way to succeed is to fail"
A scaoolNAsTER, on being asked what was
meaut by the word "fortifcation,' . answered,
two twentifcations make ratification -
Wnr is a coufectioner an euviable indiyid
ual2 Because he makes great deal out Of
t,ffes
n is wonderful the aspect of moral oblga
ton things sometimes assume when we wish
to do them.
Az eminent artist lately painted a snow.
storm 30 naturally that he caught bad cold
by sitting too near it with his coat of.
WuEN the young gentleman who styled him.
self the American Goethe was asked why he
did not write something equal to Goethe, he
testify answered, Because haven't mind
to-
A LITTLE girl who was watching the balloon
ascension at Lewsstown, Me-, suddenly ex-
claimed;
Mamma, l shouldn't think God would
like to have that man coup to heaven alive. -
In the Common Council Of Janesville the
question of ordinances relating to dogs was
under discussion, when the records were re-
ferred to, and one was found to read. GAN
dogs to be muzzled or shot, except dogs from
the country in town on business
WILSON, the celebrated vocalist, was upset
one day in his carriage near Edinburgh. A
Scotch paper, after recording the accident.
said, '.We are happy to state that he was able
to appear the following evening in three
pieces''
LADT--''oh, what shame such nice lit.
tie fellow as you should smoke that nasty
pipe
BoY-''Yes, mum, it is. 1t ought ter be
Hawanna
DuBUQUE has precocious student of as.
tronomy, who, under examination, gave the
following astonishing answer to the question,
''What is the Milky way?'
''Tho Milky Way is collection of white
clouds 10 the sky, called the trade-winds or
the aurora borealis
A NEw ORLEANS wife-beater, confronted
in court with the swollen and iulamed coun.
tenance Of his wife, was asked By the Judge
what he bad to say about that.
"Why, that's erysipelas; it's an hereditary
complaint in my family, was the response.
THE most oonsummate coolness that we
have heard of was that of the steerage pas
senger asleep in a raging storm,
Wake up, cried one of his comrades,
the ship is sinking''
''Well, what is the use Of waking, tbep?''
he answered, as be turned over for another
nap.
Nor long ago, in one Of our New England
towns, woman entered probate Office with
four little ''hopefuls, Z" aud with aeountenanee
that would do justice to hard days commenced
her truly affecting appeal: please your Hon.
or ny husband died detested, and left four
little iufdel children, and pointed me exc.
cutioner, and | pray your lordship will allow
me to execute the deed.
AK ambitious gentleman IN Connecticut
appeals, over his own signature, ''Too the
mechanics ana labouring men Of my native
town. will reprizint You in the Stait Assem-
blee irrisPeeIifo of pollytics, relijou, or eddi-
eashuu.2
A WARNING 10 TIE FAsnIoxABLE.-T
passion for dress, about which we hear SO
much Jlst nov, Is nothing new, An old sati.
rist thus lampoons the ladies of his day;
What Is the reasoa-can you guess
WI by men are poor, and women thinner?
30 much do they for dinner dress,
hat nothing's left to dress for dinner.
A SPANISH priest once, exhorting the sol
diers to fight like lions, added, in the ardor
of his enthusiasm, Reflect, my children.
that whosoever falls to-day saps to. night in
Paradise.
Thunders Of applause followed the senti.
meni. The 6ght began, the ranks wavered,
and the priest took to his heels, when sol
der, stopping him, reproaehfully referred 10
the promised supper in Paradise
True, my son, true said the priest,
'but ! never take supper"
ALiTrLE 6ye.year.old boy was being in.
strueted in morals by his mother. The old
lady told him that all such terms as 'sby COL.
ly!" by lingo p "by thuaderl'' ETC., we're
only minced oaths, and but little better than
any other profanity. Ia fact, she said, he
could tell profane oath by The prefix sby''
all such were oafbs -
well then, mother, said the little hope
fal, there's a big ozth in the newspapers
BY Telegraph. y
The old lady gave It up, and The boy is be.
~ildered on morals
A FREScHN&S npon the road on 'fast. day.
ted boy TO hold his horse slpitt
Fast, you mean-don't you, sir?'' inter.
rogated the boy.
'Yell, fast den. Mais, be gar, no under.
stand dis
There goes fast horsef' exclaimed by.
stander, as streaked BY a lively troiting nag.
How is zat?' nervousIy inquired the as.
tonished Freedman ''Zare is one horse
fast, and he gees like zundes all ze time; zare
is my horse, he IS fast too, and be no novel
This is fsst-day in reality, by the appear.
ance of the road, said another.
s'0h, see den, said monsieur, s.vy dis
is iast-day. Everything is fast. De horse
DAT soes is fast, ze horse zat is tied is last,
and ae folks zas eat nothing aad eat slow Is
fast. BE gar, vnt eountrie iw