South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1870-07-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

take charge of two children.
ES-'Oh, Emma, don't laugh so hard
said younger sister of five years, you'll
burst blood steamer
sag Fond mother, with a son of very
open couutenance-'He's pretty good boy,
but he don't take to his letters Squire
sWell, he oughter, for his mouth is like the
slit of a post Office box
sG-The Woman's Advocate thinks the
good time will have come when a hard.
working farmer shall say to his wife, Sally,
you must take time to post yourself on 60
vernmental affairs
G5Ata Sunday School in Ripton, Wis
consin, teacher asked little boy if he
knew what the expression Sowing tares'
meant. 'Courth / does said he, pulling
the scat of his little breeches around 10
front. There's a tear my ma sewed
feared 1T sliding down hill
LIZA young lady being told by friend
that silk dresses were very much worn, re-
piled that she knew it, for hers had two or
three holes in IT,
Rvr Doctor O'Leary says that girl can
die of too much love as we'll as from too
little. IF you ever sec one of those turtle
dove pairs who are always my loving my
darling 'my duckiDg' each other says
the doctor, you may set it down that one
or the other will die OF heart dicase or con.
sumption within three months, and it is al
most invariably the woman who dies. Those
women he adds, 'who always scold and
speak Grossly to their better halves-thev
never have the consumption or heart disease ,
ES-A prisoner in Detroit court, when
asked where he lived, replied: Livo?-
Live? l live in the region of eternal bliss.
own farm of a thousand acres there. |
plow my land with angels, aud raise cabba-
gos, cabbages, cabbages, beots, beets.-
You're cabbage; you're beet you re
an angel; you're horse you are an ass,
an ass, an ass Whoop'
is your father living?
Pm my own father-Pm the father of
all nations.
Have you got any mother"
yes, young man ! lots of 'em. You look
as though you needed mother; you want
nursing; you amt healthy. My mother
shall be your mother, all of 'cm I'll be
your father. Child of mortality, embrace
your heavenly father He proved to be
an escaped lunatc.
Es-Josh Billings thus speaks of new
agricultural implement, to which the attcn-
ton of farmers is invited John Rogers
revolving, expanding, uncermonious, self
adjusting, self contracting, self.sbarpening,
self greasng and self-righteous hess rake il
now and forever offered few generous pub
Xix. Thee rakcs are az eazy to keep in re.
pair az hitching post, and will rake up q
paper of pins sowed broad kast in ten a
ker lot of wheat stubble. Theze rnkcs kan
be used in the winter for a hen roost or be
sawed up in stove wood for the kitchen fire
No farmer ov good moral karaktcr should
be without this rake, even if he has to
steal one
GS- Bachelors are always braggin oy
their freedom freedom to darn their own
stockings and poultiss their own shins! ]
had rather be a widower once in . years,
reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair
dyed bachelor only 90 days iHiugs.
EE-A gentleman of Boston, who takes q
business view of most things, when recent.
ly asked respecting person of quite po.
otic temperament, replied :-'Oh, be is one
of those men who have soarings after the
infinite, and diyings after the unfathoma-
bic, but who never pay cash
Ry-A little boy, smcared all over with
moIasses, came running up from the river
in Albany recently, hourishing dirty shin.
gle, and screamed at the top Of his voice to
comrado 90, Bill! Bill! get as many
boys and shingles as you can, for there's 4
big hogsit Of 'lasscs busted en- the pavement
busted all to smash =
SENTINESrAL.--Tho bull dog banks on
the top Of the hill, and the lambs are skip
ping in glcc but I'm sad rs tho dickens
! am-my gal gave the mittcn to mo. All
whore will | 60, and what will do?
feel like a crazy bumboe by thunder, TT
fight! I'll lick any boy that says the wore
mitton TO me I'm really mad-be doggcc
if amt! / swear will kill any she ~
slathcr and slash--Pll murder that gall
by thunder she shau't milton me, No