The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-02-11
MY WlFE'S BRIDAL TOUR.
BY NOSE SKINNER.


MY WIFE'S BRIDAL TOUR.
BY NOSE SKINNER.
When l married my second wife,
she was dreadful sot about going off on
bridal tour. l told her she'd better
wait six months or year, and I'd try
to go with her, but she said she'd rath-
er go alone-when woman was-trav-
cling a man was an Out-and-Out hum
bug. 4, a
So gave her seventy-five cents, and
told her to 60 off and have good time.
1 never begrudge money where my
wife's happiness is concerned. My
first wife never could complain of not
going anywheres, for I'm dreadful
fierce to 90 off on a good time myself,
and always was. ] don't pretend to
say how many times took her out to
see the engine squirt, and there was
no end to the free lectures l let her go
to. The neighbOrs used to say: ut
does beat ali how the Skinners do go"
When Signor Blitz was in Slunkville,
with his wonderful canaries, he gave
my wife complimentary ticket. L
not only sold that ticket for my wife,
but gave her half the money. don't
boast of it though; l only mention it
to show how much / thought of my
wife's happiness.
l don't think any man ought to get
married till he can consider his wife's
happiness only second to his Own.-
John Wise, a neighbor of mine, did
thusly, and when got married con-
cluded I'd do like Wise.
But the plan didn't work i'm the case
of my second wife. No, | should say
not. 1 broached the subject kindly.
Matilda,"I said, 81 suppose you
are aware that 1 am your lord and
master"
Not much you amt" said size.
Mrs. Skinner" / replied, "yOu are
fearfully demoralized. You need reor-
ganizing at once. You are cranky"
And 1 brandished my new sixty.twO
cent umbrella wildly around her.
She took the umbrella away from
me, and locked me up i'm the clothes
press.
/ am quick to draw an inference,
and the Inference I drew here was,
that / was not a success as a reOrgan-
izer of female women.
After this, changed my tactics. L
let her have her own way, and the
plan worked to charm from the very
first, It's the best way of managing
a wife that know of. OF course this
is between you and me.
So when my wife said she was bound
to go off an bridal tour any how,
cordially assented. "Go, Matilda" l
said, "and stay as long as you want
to; then if you feel as though you
would like to stay little while longer,
stay, my dear, stay"
She told me to stop talking, and go
up stairs and get her red flannel night
cap, and that bag of penny-royal for
her Aunt Abigail.
My wife is smart woman. She
was Baxter, and the BaXters are a
very smart family indeed. Her moth
er, who is going Oh eighty, can fry
more slapjacks now, than half these
primped up city girls, who rattle on
the piano, or else walk the streets with
their filrbelOws and fixings, pretending
to get mad ifa young chap looks at 'em
pretty hard, but getting mad in earnest
if you don't take any notice of them at
ali.
All! girls aint what they used to he
when i was young, and the fellows
are worse still. When l went court
ing, for instance, / never thought of
staying till after ten o'clock, and only
went twice a week. Now they GO
seven nights in a week, and cry be-
cause there amt eight. Then they
write touching notes to each other dur
ing the day. "Dear George, do you
love me as much as you did at quarter
past twelve last night? Say you do,
dearest, and it will give ME courage to
go down to dinner and tackle them
cold beans left over from yesterday"
Well, well, suppose they enjoy
themselves, and it aint for us old folks
| whose hearts have grown little cal
loused by long wear, to interfere. Let
them get together and court if they
like it, and 1 think they do. was
forty-seven when l courted my pres
ent wife, but it seems just as nice to sit
on a little cricket at her feet, and let
her smooth my hair, as it did thirty
years ago.
As l said before, my wife is a very
smart woman, but she couldn't be any
thing else, and he a Baxter. She used
| to give lectures OH WOman's Rights,
and i'm one place she lectured, a big
college conferred the title of L. l.. D.,
upon her. But she wouldn't take it.
"NO, gentlemen" said she, give it
to the poor" She was always just so
charitable. She gave my boys permis-
sion to go bare footed all winter, and
insisted upon it so much in her kind
way, that they couldn't refuse.
she fairly dotes on my children, and
I've seen her many time go to their
trowsers pocket and take out their pen
lies after they'd got TO sleep, and put
them in her bureau drawer for fear they
might lose them.
/ started to tell you about my wife's
bridal tour, but the fact is, never
could find out much about it myself
1 believe she had a good time. She
came back improved i'm health, and
found out, before she'd been i'm the
house twenty-four hours, that shed
gained i'm strength also. l don't say
how / found il out. / simply say
found it out.
In conclusion | would say to al
young men; Marry your second wife
first, and keep out of debt by al
means, even if you have to borrow