Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1870-11-17
NO. 273
Gales aud Sketthfs.
JOSH BILLINGS.

KALKULAsHUNs ov PRoGNosTIx NATURE.
When yu see fox ov geese all stand
ing on one leg, except the old gander,
and he chawing hiz cud, look out for
southwest wind tew-morrow, or the next
day. or the day after, or at sum fewter
time. Whenever dogs are seen travelling
around with nothing to do and old maids
refuse their tea, and hop vines wont climb,
and grind stones wont grind, then yu may
expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont
pay for harvesting.
WANTED. Wanted several fust class
yung men, with mustashes, tew hang
around the vestibules ov different churches
in Amerika and stare at the females as they
pass out. Yung men who understand the
use ov tobacco preferred. No yung man
accepted who kant stare the brass buttons
oph from u military coat at twenty PAGES.
This IL rare chance for young men ov
real genius. Salary payable weekly. Re-
ferences exchanged. sF9& @iA -
The cockroach iz bug at large. Heiz
one of the luXurys ov clvilizashun. The
cockroach iz born ON the tust oy May, and
the fust of November semi-annually, and
iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born four from each egg, and
consequently they are all twins thale iz
no sicn thing in the annals ov nature as, q
single cockroach Their food seems to
consist, not so much ov what they eat, az
what they kan get into, and often finding
them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding
house, | have cum tew the painful conclu-
shun that the cockroach kant swim, but
that he kan float for long time 4,al1
To make good sharp pickles, whittle
oph both ends ov them tew pint. aas
Blessed are they who have no eye for
key hole.
Few treshen salt mackerel tow him
one summer behind steam bote. Il fsa
1t is human to err, but devilish tew brag
on it.
A gentleman IL a gentleman the world
over; it IL only the loafers that differ.
To learn dog tew follow well, tie him
tew the hind end ov an express train.
lew get rid of cockroches, sell yure
house and lot. and flee to the mountains.
A dog is the only thing on this earth that
luvs yu more than he luvs himself.
Opinyuns are like turnips, worth what
they Will fetch. re7 .g.
Courage without discreshun liz like a
ram with horns on both ends, he viii hay
more fights on hand than he kan do justiss
to. ft- agtf3
When we.find man who is very solisi-
tus about the welfare ov everybody, yu
kan safely put him down az one who IL
hunting Tor misfortune.
Don't undertake tew liv with yure
mother-in-law but if wuss Gums tew
wussness, let yule mother-in-law, live
with yu.
Lazyness IL good deal like money, the
more man haz ov it the more he seems
tew want. asf3ns ba
Gravity iz no more positif evidence ov
wisdum, than paper collar is ov shirt.
| Every time man laffs he takes kink
out ov the chain ov life, and thus length
ems it. c axfH-
| A coquett in love IL az tame az a bottle
ov pop that haz stood some time with the
corck pulled out.
don't kno ov ennything more remorse-
less on the face of the earth--than 4 per
cent. interest. fffuy afs
To make boarding house hash, take
little OF everything, a good deal ov moth
ing, and throw in chunk ov sumthing
jam to mnsh, cook over kold fire, sea-
son with hair pins. and servd up on the
jump.
Three skore years and ten liz mans flr1o,
ann it IL enuff-if man kant suffer all
the mizery he wants in that time he must
be numb. as5sr
What men kant do they are very apt to
admire-they don't criticize "a mountain
bekause they kant make one.
Thare il nothing like IL sick bed for re-
pentance, u man bekums so virtewous he
will often repent ov sins that he never
committed.
Great transgreshuns seem tew baptize
themselfs-it the devil only had been
gilty of petit larceny, he never would hav
bin heard ov agin.
The man who wont beleave emmy thing
he cant see, aint SO wize az a mule, for
they will kick at a thing in the dark.
Whenever minister haz preached
sermon that pleazes the whole congrega-
shun, he probably haz preached one that
the Lord won't endorse,
One of the hardest things for emmy man
to do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz
wet, and then git up and praze the Lord
Sekrets are kussid poor property emmy
how if yu cirkelate them you loze them,
and if yu keep them yu loze the interest
on the investment. t-e4 3ne.Ht