The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1870-06-13
The Famous Bloody Massacre"
BY MARX TWAIN.

BY hARh TWAIN.
Mark Twain tells the following yarn in
the Gdldry in order to show how really
hard it is to foist q moral or truth upon
an unsuspecting public through burlesque
without entirely and absurdly missing ones
mark:
The other burlesque ] have referred to
was INV fine satire upon the financial cNpe-
dent of "cooking dividends" thing
which became shamefully frequent on the
Pacific coast for awhile. Once more in my
selfcomplacent simplicity, felt that the
time had arrived for me to rise up ana be
reformer. I put this reformation satire III
the shape OF fearful Massacre at
Empire City" The San Francisco pa
pers had made 8 great cutlery about the |
fnjau1ty of the Dancy Silver Mining |
COMPANY, whose directors had declared |
q cooked or false dividend for the pur-
pose of increasing the value OF their
stock, 80 that they could sell out at COM
Portable figure and then scramble from
under the tumbling concern. And while
abusing the Dancy those papers did not for
yet to urge the public to get rid of all their
silver stocks and invest in sound and safe
San Francisco stocks, such as the Spring
Valley Water Company, etc. But right at
this unfortunate juncture, behold the
Spring Valley cooked q dividend, too And
so, under the insidious mask Of an invented
"bloody massacre" I stole upon the public
unawares with my scathing satire upon the
dividend cooking system. In about half
column Of imaginary inhuman carnage
told how q citizen had murdered his wife
and nine children and then committed
suicide. And I said slyly at the bot
tom that the sudden madness Of which
this melancholy massacre was the re-
suit had been brought about by his
having allowed himself to be persuaded by
the California papers to sell his sound and
lucrative Nevada silver stocks, and buy into
Spring Valley just in time to get cooked
along with the company's fancy dividend,
and sink every cent he had in the world.
All, it was deep, deep satire, and most
ingeniously contriyed. But | made the de-
tails as carefully and conscientiously inte-
resting that the public simply devourcd
them greedily, and wholly overlooked the
following distinctly-stated fact>-to wit !:
The murderer was perfectly well known to
every creature in the land as u bachelor,
and consequently nc could not murder
his wife and nine children; he murdered
them g in his splendid dressed-stone
forest between Empire City and Dutch
Nick's," when even the picked oysters
that came on our tables knew that there
was not " dressed-stOne mansion" in all
Nevada Territory; also, that so far from
there being great pine forest" between
Empire City and Dutch Nick's, there wasn't
asolitary tree within fifteen miles of either
Mace and, finally it was patent and motto.
rio1,s that Empire City and Dutch Nick's
were one and the same place, and contained
only six hoJ,seS any how, and consequently
there could be No forest 6etUee,s them and
ON top of all these absurditics stated that
this diabolical murderer, after intlicting II
wound upon himself tlfh tire reader ought
to have seen would have killed al elephant
;vly 10 IF INN a hon
and rode four miles, waving his wiic's reek-
ing scalp in the air; and thus performing,
entered Carson City with tremendous ccldt,
and dropped dead in front of the chief Sa-
loon, the envy and admiration Of all be-
holders.
Well, in all my life never saw anything
like the sensation that little satire created.
It was the talk Of the town !; it was the talk of
the Territory. Most of the citizens dropped
gently into it at breakfast, and they never
finished their meal. There was something
about those infinitely faithful details that
was O sufficient substitute for food, Few
people that were able to read took food that
morning. Dan and / dan was my repor-
torial associate)to our seats on either side
of our customary table in the Eagle restau-
rant, and rs / unf0lded the shred they
used to call napkin in that establish
ment, saw at the next table two stall
wart innocents with that sort of yeee-
table dandruff sprinkled about their cloth
ing which was the sign and evidence
that they were in from the Truckee with a
load of hay. The one facing me had the
morning paper folded to q long narrow
strip, and knew, without any telling, that
the strip represented the column that con-
tanned my pleasant financial satire. From
the way he was eXcitedly mumbling saw
that the needless son Of a hay-mow was
skipping with all his might in order to get
to the bloody details as quickly as possible
and 30 be WAS missing the guide boards /
had set up to warn him that the whole thing
was q fraud. Presently his eyes spread
wide open, just as his jaws swung asunder
to take In potato approaching it on
fork. The potato halted, the face Lit up
redly, and the whole man was on fire With
excitement. Then he broke into disjoint-
ed checkiBg-of Of the particulars-his po-
tato cooling in mid-air mean time, and his
mouth making q reach for it occasionally,
but always bringing up suddenly against
new and still moro direfui performance of
my hero. At last he looked his stunned
and rigid comrade impressively in the face,
and said, with an expression Of concen-
trated awe:
stJim, he billed his badly, and he took the
ole 'oman's skelp. Cuss'd if want any
breakfast
And ne laid his lingering potato reye.
rentIy down, and he and his friend de-
parted from the restaurant empty but So
tisaed.
He never got down to where the satire
,,,~f oft f,Soan Nrhndv ayer did rrhau