Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1870-02-09
BUYING BRAINS.
Cheap College Honors - The Royal
Road to Fame

Cheap College Honors The R0yaI
Road to Fame.
Awriter in the Chicago Tribune on this
subject, after alluding to the careless and
indiscriminate manner in which honors are
bestowed by the majority of American col
leges, and how any man of ordinary enter
prise can graduate in almost any college.
though he be numb-skull without any
scholarship whatever, says:
Another method of stealing through col
lege is to employ some Bohemian to write
the exercises which they are called upon to
deliver in public. A successful public de-
monstration by acollege student is strong
recommendation for diploma, and many
excellent and honest professors wonder
how it is that men invariably dull in their
classes and exercises make their mark at
the annual commandments The reason is
that they are plagiarists who read the pro-
duct of the brains of poorer but better men
and receive credit accordingly. This traffic
in literature is growing very common. It
is becoming an abuse that ought to be
exposed and checked, not only on account
of its fraudulent character, but also because
it is injurious to students who will not
study, and IN bringing many Of our educa-
tlonal institutions into contempt.
In Chicago there are any number of
literary men who are ready, at amoment's
notice, to concoct speech on any given
subject for a proper consideration. Many
an grafton delivered in Legislative bodies
for which the speaker gets due credit. has
been paid for on delivery. These Bohe-
mian gentlemen will write on any side of
any question, and make out as good an az
gument on one side as on the otLer. It is
purely a business matter with them. For
the time being they ignore their own opin-
IONS, If they have any, and like Artemus
Ward, have mary a sentiment. The way
they get business is by inserting the fol-
lowing advertisement in daily paper:
Speeches, sermons, &c. written to order
at short notice Address z, Tribune office.
This brings numerous applicants from
persons willing to wear borrowed plumes,
because they have none of their own.-
Country clergymen send for original ser
mons on stated texts. Members OF rural
debating societies and of rural corporations
anxious to astonish the natives, apply for
"hifalutin" speeches; aspiring politicians
ask for O denunciatory effusion, spiced with
anecdotes, and love-lorn youths send the
front name of their beloved, with detail
ed description of her charms, and want
poem made to fit. Students in colleges
want something for an annual commence
ment or for debate or q lecture. One calls
for an 'impromptu address carefully pre-
pared, another for s'an able sermon on the
Mount" another for san eppic pome, in
Mr.. Milton's stile," and so on.
There is a respectable college in the State
of Illinois, whose students are addicted to
making themselves famous, or infamous,
on other mems brains. About year ago
one OF them cameto this city and engaged
gentleman, as a coach, to drive him
through his course He was a smart. gen
fellow Of about %. gifted
with glib tongue and unbounded audacity.
He said he was in his first year, and wanted
to create a favorable impression on the
faculty of some public ''splurges." There
was to be q debate in the town, and he had
volunteered to speak on the negative of
the question. The question was not Sc
lected at the time. but he would I'M lorm the
coach by letter. In a few days the coach
received the following, the name and date
only being omitted
DERE SUR: The subject is:
ResOlUd, That the U s should be exendid.
| suppose that menes that it shud go up to
the poles and down to the ELEVATOR. What
will you charg for good argimin5 aginst it.
4urse,
The following reply was returned:
DEAR SIR: That is difficult question to ar
que negatively. 1t is also unpopular. How
ever L will give you all that can be said on
that side for - dollars. Poetic and Latin
quotations each ten per cent extra. | will
throw in the North Pole, the Aurora Boreaiis,
and few icebergs gratis. Yours truly,
The following answer came back:
DERE SUR: Go on with the document. Give
me cents worth of latin ana 5 cents worth
of poetry in every twenty or thirty lines, and
throw in all the Ise bergs you can for the
money. Yures trewly,
The document" including the "ice
bergs," was duly forwarded, With instruc-
tiOns as to its delivery. The instructions
advised the orator to deliver the paper as
nearly as possible on an empty stomach, so
that his voice might be deeper and more
resonant. The modest coach concluded as
follows:
'ProperIy delivered this ought.to send you
to. Congress or the Legislature. Get the
poetry off by heart, deliver it as if it were
your own, aad let fly the Latin as if you I'M
derstOOd it. The Aurora Boreals is big
thing, and so are the icebergs-
Whose green roots sleep
In the awful deep
Two hundted fathoms low.
SFGive the word awful loud and broad in an
awful manner. II you think your audience
is green enough to believe it make the ice
Sir hundred fathoms low
''Let me know how the thing goes off. I
heartily wish You safe delivery"
On the following day, the coach received
the following:
Sur, P. 0. Order for - Enclosed. pleese
find S for value received
Yures,