Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-03-25
aE.Eas2o s.

A Western paper, describing ali evening
dress, says it bursts open at the, top and
foams over. @ -e s4
Didn't you guarantee. Sir, that this
horse would not shy before the firing of
artillery ? No more he won't. 'Tisat till
after the firing that he shes -
A California paper heads an article,
Remarkable eoolness of young lady.
She passed another woman and never turned
around to sneer at her bonnet
A young lady, upon one occasion, re-
ques.ed her lover that be should define love.
We'll, SAL said he, lit is, to me, an in
ward inexrressibility and outward all-over-
ishness.'
Hope Isl prodigal young heir. and cxpe-
rienee is his banker; but his drafts are sell
dom honored, since there is often heavy
balance against him, because he draws
largely upon small capital is not yet in
possession, and If he were, would die.
A tutor Of a college, lecturing to a young
man on his irregular conduct, added with
great pathos, 1.-The report of your vices will
bring your fathers gray hairs with sorrow to
the grave" II beg your pardon. SIR" re-
piled the pupil, ''my father wears wig"
A clergyman addressed his female audi
tors as follows: ''Be not proud that our
blessed Lord paid your sex the distinguished
honor Of appearing first to a female after the
resurrection. for it was only that the glad
tidings might spread the sooner. as.
An Irish friend of ours, the other day,
thundered out noble answer to pestifcr-
Gus dun. eye may call, Sor, for the dirty
bill this day month, and if I see your ugly
face before that day, be gorrum Til have to
take the receipt from your executors"
MA, said little moppet, of the s'upper
ten persuasion, s.if should die and 20 to
heaven, would | wear my MORE antique ?"
"No, darling, we cannot suppose we shall
carry the fashions Of this world into the
next" "Then, ma, how would the little
angels know I belonged tie the best society ?"
A celebrated preacher, in sermon on the
duty Of wives, said I see in this congrega-
lion woman who has been guilty of dis
obedience to her husband. and in order to
point her out I will fling my Bible at her
head" He lifted his book, and every wife's
head instantly ducked." 8l se
AN OLD CHICKEN. attempting to
carve fowl one day, gentleman found
considerable difficulty in separating its joints
and exclaimed against the man who had sold
him an old hen for young chicken.
my DEAR" said the enraged mans wife,
f'don't talk so much about the aged and re-
spectacle Mr.. B. he planted the first hill Of
corn that was planted in our town"
Il know that" said her husband, s'and
believe this hen scratched it up."
A TRUTHFUL CHARAcrER.-A gentleman
gave his servant-maid the following charac-
ter the other day:
''The bearer has been in my house a
year-naiaus eleven months. During that
time she has shown herself diligent-at the
house door frugal-in work !; mindful
herself; prompt-ia excuses friendly-to-
wards men faithful to her lovers and hon
est-when everything had vanished"
We have no doubt the services of this at
traetive creature have been in immense re-
quest wherever she has exhibited her won.
derful certificate. ,t >,
s'How much va charge, Massa Magis-
trats. to marry me Miss Dinah p
"Why, Glen, I'll marry you for two
dollars" 81.
1.-Two dollars-what you charge togmarry
white folks, NASSAU" q
"We generally charge them five dollars,
Glenn" s.
"Well, va marry us like white folks, and
I give va five dollars, too. .fass 49,
why, Glen, that'sa curious notion, but
as you desire it, I'll marry you like white
folks, for FIVE dollars" -'ie
The ceremony being over, and Glenn and
Dinah made one, the Magistrate asked for
his fee. sa9~ s r8
t'Oh no, massa, va no come up to de
greement-ya no lass de bride r' S.
'Get out of my Office you black rascal
And so Glenn got married for nothing.
An Arkansas judge had bis law Office
close 60 certain doctor's-in fact, they
were separated only by q plank partition
with door in it. The Judge was ut his
table with brief and bills in Chancery.-
The doctor was writing a letter, and, paus-
ing for moment at the word economical,
called out. Judge isn't c-q-u-i the way to
spell equinomical Yes,f think it is,' said
the Judge: but here's Webster's diction-
ary; | can tell soon tell He opens the
book and turns over the leaves, repeating
aloud, ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. Find
ing the proper place, he runs his eve and
finger up and down the column two or three
times, untiEhe is thoroughly satisfied that
the word in question isnot there. V Closing
the book with slam, the judge lays his
specs on the table, and rising slowly, breaks
forth. Well, sir, I have always been a
Daniel Webster man, and [ voted for Kim
for President; but any man that will write as
Zig dictionary as this, and not put as
common word as equinomicar in it can't
get my vote for anything hereafter
A bachelor recently advertised for a wife.
and ungratefully published some of the more
interesting Of the numerous applications for
the position. This one combines poetry and
bad spelling with extraordinary effect
dear sur if you want such wife as Won
Says you Want to make the AKuantaus OF
you can See Me at franklin square on mum
dey Mite at ate aklak [ will Be thar and
Will have Blue SAX on and a White hat
roses is red and VioIets blue.
sugars Sweet and so is you.
Com See me-"
The next is pathetic and sentimental:
"How do sigh for some one like you to
pass the long wintre evenings away with
because am so lonie and without any ac-
quaintances whatsomever.e you must Be
Handsome for I Xix your stile I have no
money But am good harted love music
and song & would love you'll you would me-"
The last must well-nigh have taken the
.dua.t:aar,c hraath ,rau hu It's uncoronro.,