The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1870-11-09

a ooansryman stopped st one Of 51iil oul
city restaurants for dinner, The waiter
inquired whit he would have, ana wa.
llteld BY the coqntryWan to bring, ''some
thing Of what ne. had. " The waiter
brought him regular dinner upon small
dishes, as is the usual form, and set them
around his plate. He surveyed them
carefully for moment and then broke
out: "Well, I like your samples, nov
bring me dinner"
REALLY, my DEAR" said poor Mr.
Jones, to his better half, ''you have
sadly disappointed me. I once consi.
dered you II jewel of woman, but you We
turned out only bit of matrimonial
rastc. "Then, my love-" was the reply,
console yourself with the idea that
paste is very adhesive, and will stick to
you US long rs you live"
An Irishman, who was troubled with
the toothache, determined to have m
old offender extracted, but there being
no dentist near, he resolved to do the
job himself. Whereupon, he filled the
excavation with powder; but, being
afraid to touch it of, he put slow
match to it, lit it, and then ran round
the corner to get out of the way.
Bald headed husband .'Just take that
magnifying glass, ducky, and see il
there's any young hairs O sprouting.
I've finished the seventh bottle of the
restorative, and worn out three hair
brushes rubbing it in
Wlfe-"Good gracious, Nicodemus
there amt no more hair on your head
than there is on the cover of our old
copper kettle!'
An Irishman, having arrived in this
country, struck across the fields in search
OF employment. While ascending q hill,
he suddenly came to stand-still at sigh
OF land-turtlc slowly vending its way.
Pat, never having seen the animal be.
fore, exclaimed: "Holy mither, the divi
of country is this, where the snuff
boxes walk up hill!'
"A gentleman sent a lad with letter tc
the post office, and money to pay the
postage. Having returned with tho
money, he said, "I've done the thing
slick. seen o good many folks putting
letters in the post Office through hole,
and so [ watched my chance, and goi
mine in for nothing!'
An eloquent orator proposes to grasr
q ray of light from the great orb of day,
spin it into threads of gold, and with
them wave n shroud in which to wrap
the whirlwind which dies upon the
bosom of our Western prairies We feal
the machinery will break before the
fabric is through the loom.
A countryman visiting Dartmoor, Eng.
land, observed that gang of men were
working on the moor, each wearing ball
and chain. He asked one of them WHY
that ball was chained to his leg. "To
keep people from stealing it," was the
reply; "there are so many thieves about
here"
One of the amusements at Lono
Branch is to watch the New JERSEY mos.
qultoes open clans with their bills on the
shore. Several of these useful little in.
scots are being domesticated and TAUGHT
to punch rivet holes in steam boilers.
A poor Irishman, seeing crowd OF
people approaching. asked what was the
matter. He was answered, ga man
going to be buried" "Oh!" he replied,
IL. III stop and see that, for we carry then,
to be buried in our country"
a cross old bachelor says: '.Tho rca.
son why women do not cut themselves
III two by tight lacing, is because they
lace around the heart, and that is sc
hard they cannot affect it.
"Where's your filial gratitude. YOU
naughty boy? What would you have
been, without your kind father and
mother?" 81 'spose rs how I'd been m
orphan, sir"
II see the villain in your face" said 9
Western Judge to an Irish prisoner
MAY it please your honor" replied the
prisoner. that must be personal re.
f1ection."
Patience is exemplified in tho mar
who left his wagon while his horse
baked, sat on stump and read the
Bible till the animal was hungry enough
to 60 home.
John Jarvis, carpenter OF tho shir
Levant, lost in the Pacific in 1861, ha.
come homo to Norfolk, Va, after nine
years Robinson Crusoing on desert
island.
They have some whiskey in Ohio thai
can beat Dexters best time. One drinl
killed man in 2.1615 to harness. It is
made there, and called knock 'em stiff.
Two twin brothers are so much alike
in Charleston, that they frequently bor