Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-01-21
HumOr.

Bad butter in a large family is a strong
argument in favor Of economy.
An Englishman wishes to know if the
children of Ham were Hamericans
Jenkins teaches bookkeeping in one les
son of three words: "Never lend them"
Brigham Young conducts his connubial
affairs on the principle Of a large business
and small prophets.
What constitutes a lady The New
York World answers Plenty Of money, a
French milliner, and a position in society,"
The name Of the architect who builds cas-
ties in the air is Tomorrow, and Hope lays
the foundation.
A man in Memphis broke his wife's nose,
on the 18th ult., because he thought her
beauty drew too much attention.
A wag recently appended to the list Of
market regulations of Cincinnati: t'No whist
ling near the sausage stalls"
The hog may not be thoroughly posted in
arithmetic, but when it comes to a square
root he is there-the hog is.
''Jakc, lend me ten dollars till [ sell my
dorg?" Jake replied soothingly and sympa-
thetically, 80 Jim ! I wouldn't sell him"
Says John to Tom Tom are you in for
the Maine Liquor LawY Yes in for de
liker, but not for de law
A reason why a piano was not saved at a
fire was because none of the 6remen could
play on it.
Why do the ladies like the northeast
wind? Because it brings the chaps to their
lips.
"Pearl Weddings which occur when a
couple have been married seventy years,
usually take place on the other side of Jor-
dan.
A would-be wit asked his old uncle if the
tolling of a bell did not put him in mind of
his latter end -? "No sir," he replied ''but
the rope puts me in mind Of yours"
Jones, said to Brown: "Poor Lucinda
took that circumstance very much to heart"
Brown replied, ''Did she indeed The dear
girl [ wish [ was that circumstance"
II have a great ear, a wonderful ear"
said a conceited musician in the course of
conversation.
80 has a jackass !' replied a bystander."
[ say, John, amt you glad to see the
wind has laid?
Well, yes I am, if it is any relief to it;
but [ would much rather see the eggs.
Stiggins, the ncw-married man, says his
wife is a perfect rose. The only draw back
to his happiness is that she blows out a
%''leetle" often.
A silly fop, being in company, and want
ing his servant, cried out "Where is my
blockhead ?"
Upon your shoulders" replied the lady.
A man assigned to a room in a hotel in
Sedalia, Mo-, found a lady's night-gown
that had been forgotten by the lady occu-
pant. He sent it to the clerk with the mes
sage. s'This is no use to me empty"
A Mileslan, born on the last day of the
wear, felicitates himself on his narrow es-
cape from not being born at all. BE jabers,'
said he, and if it had been the mex day
what would have become of meY
'H
jenkins is not going to do anything more
in conundrums. He recently asked his wife
the difference between his head and a hogs
head, and she said there was none. He says
that is not the right answer.
Said an ambitious youth one day to a
young lady, 'Don't you think I'd better dye
NY moustache :" caressing the instant prod
icy. ri think if you let it alone it will die
ITSELF" said the lady.
At Lansing, Iowa. thirty young men
have formed themselves into a club, and
made a solemn VOW that no member shall
marry any one except a widow. The hus-
bands of the place are making up clubs
chiefly hickory-against the bachelors.
There is two ways Of doing it, said Pat,
to himself, as he stood musing and waiting
for a Job on the State street corner. If
save me 1900, I must lay up 5000 a year
for tweaty-y years, or [ can put away $40
year for 200 years. Now which way will
I do itY
"lHere, you little rascal, walk up and give
an account of yourself. Where have you
been 2"
"After the girls. father !"
stDid you ever know ne to do SO, when
was a boy !"
"No, Sir-but mother did,"
A story is told of a young lady teacher
at a Sunday school, who, a few Sundays
ago, asked a youngster what matrimony was.
He mistook the question for purgatory, and
promptly answered, "a place or state of
punishment in this life. where souls suffer
for a time before they 60 to Heaven"
Il suppose" said a quack, while feeling
the pulse of a patient who had reluctantly
submitted to solicit his advice, 7 suppose
you think me a bit of a humbugY "Sir,"
gravely replied the sick man, II was not a
ware until now that you could SO readily
discover a mans thoughts by feeling of his
pulse"
A SET OF D1sHEs.-A %ta;lor's dish a hot
goose.
A printer devils dish in winter: Cold pi.
A carpenters dish A smooth joint.
A %coopcr's dish: The hogshead.
An editors dish Original matter.
A scamen's dish Leg of mutton.
A musicians dish The wind-pipe.
A gamblers dish: The heart.
A printers dish A sheep foot.
Cotton buyers dish Middlings,
Burglars dish: The hide.
i sboe-makcr's dish The las-all,