The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1870-05-25
BITS OF FUN.

4 woman called at the Springfield
Republican office recently, soliciting
money to delray the expenses of furnish
ing a new house which she had Just
completed.
Rev. c. B. Smythc, of gym and
mvlk" fame, will start a church of his
own in New York, and expects many of
his old congregation to follow his for
tunes
Horace Greeley was recently knocked
down bv wagon and severely injured
his ankle. On regaining his feet he is
said to have remarked:
.-!ir
\ woman in Marseilles, aged eighty
Jour, was recently murdered by her huS-
band, because he thought she was a
witch and had practiced upon his peace
of mind.
The Salt Lake Telegraph, he airing that
Kingston, the Snowman, is to publish a
book, SAYS that "his book will be sue
cess, as Kingston Is one OF the raclest
liars in existence.
1t is thought that diamonds exist in
the vicinity of Pine Bluff, Arkansas. As
proof fit, a local paper Of that place
SAYS several suspicious looking stones
have been found.
The New York Tribune inquiries,
Where is the beef of the future to
come from q Unless something turns
up that we cannot torcsce, the probabil-
itv is that the beef of the future, like
the beef of the past, will come from
cattle.
Speaking of. shaving" said Il pretty
turn, he turned upon the patience and
Girl to an obdurate old bachelor, 81
should think that pair of handsome
ewes would be the best mirror TO shave
by" Yes; many poor fellow has
been shaved by them the wretch
replied
B. A quarrel on the Boulevards termin-
ated thus one day to the amusement Of
the spectators Monsieur. You Shall
give me satisfaction Reply (amidst Il
peal of laughter) Monster, | cannot;
am member of the Society for Pro
tecting Animals.
A Western Coroners iulv returned a
verdict that the deceased came to his
death from exposure what do YOU
mean bv that asked 4 relative Of the
dead man; there are two bullet holes
in his skull The Coroner replied,
with wave OF his maoi>tcrial hand,
".Iust so; he died from exposure to
bullets
4 good story is told OF Young man
who applied to one of our hotels for a
situation. The landlord informed him
that there was but one place vacant,
that of lamp-cleancr. The qucstoner
accepted the situation, observing that he
would like something as rcmumcrative
as possible, as he was once 4 clerk,
spoke four different languages fiuently,
etc. "Ohl that's no consequence said
the unappreciativc landlord; this bus
mess won't require You TO speak but
one language, and mighty little of that"
On Friday morning last, a gentleman,
dressed in the height of fashion, and
who had arrived at The Northern Cen
trail Depot from some point North, rush
ed up to the baggage room, and in a
peremptory manner demanded that his
baggage should be given him in prefer
ence to all other customers. His man
ner. was somewhat offensive, and when
informed by a plainly clad but humor-
ous-lOo!iing son Of the Emerald Isle
that he must have patience and wait his
turn, he turned upon the adviser
aud imparter of knowledge with, "Sir
YOU re an ass. The honest IriShman
gazed at him an instant and then re-
piled, "And you, ! sir, are an ape, and
what pity it is, that when we two were
made hastes, that yOu wasn't made an
ELEPHANT, so that you could have Your
blasted trunk under your hose all the
tune The impatient trunk owner
could not withstand the roar Of laughter
which was INDUCED in by the bystand-
ers, and handing his check to hack
man, he beat hasty retreat from the
DEPOT. american.