The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1870-01-27

matter over at considerable length,
but there seemed to be no way of mas
tering the difficulty, and he was too
much of gentleman 10 suggest even
temporary Abandonment of my prin-
pies. But y-and-by he said:
Il have it. Drink soda water. AS
long as you never drink anything
more nutritious, there isn't any imPro-
priety in it,"
And 50 it was settled. We met in r
large parlor, handsomely decorated
with flags and evergreens, and seated
ourselves at table we'll ladened with
creature comforts, both solid and liq-
uid. The toasts were happy and the
speeches were good, and we kept it up
until long after midnight. Ineyer en-
jayed myself more IL my life. Idrank
thirty-eight bottles of SODA water
But do you know that this is not re-
liable article for a steady drink 1t is
too gassy. When / got up in the
morning | was frIl Of gas and as tight
as balloon. / hadn't an article of
clothing that I conld weir except my
umbrella.
After breakfast / found the Major
making grand preparations again. l
asked what it was for, and he said this
was the Prince of Wales birthday. 1t
had to be celebrated that evening.
We celebrated it. Much against my
expectations we had another splendid
time. We kept it up until some time
after midnight. was tired of soda,
and 30 changed for lemonade.
drank several quarts. You may COZ
slider lemonade better for a steady
drink than soda water, bat it isn't so.
In the morning it had soured on my
stomach. Biting anything was out Of
the question IS equivalent to lock
Jaw. / was beginning 10 feel worried
and sad, too.
Shortly after lunch found the Ma
jor in the midst of some more prepa-
rations. He said this was the Princess
Alice's birthday. l concealed my
grief,
"Who is the Princess Aiice?' / ask
ed.
Daughter of her Majesty the Queen"
the Major said.
I succumbed. That night we eele-
bratedi the Princess Aliee's birth day.
We kept it up as late as usual, and re
ally / enjoyed it a good deal. But
could not stand lemonade. Ifdrank a
couple of kegs of ice water.
In the morning I had the toothache
and cramps and chilbiains, and. my
teeth were on edge from the lemon
ade, and was still pretty gassy. l
found Major at it again.
'sWho Is this for?" / asked.
His Royal Highness, the Duke Of
of Edin5urg,' be said.
''Son of the Queen ?"
Yes
"And this is his birthday.-you
have not made any mistake ,"
mo, the celebration is TO come off
tonight"
| bowed before thenew calamity
We celebrated the day. I drank part
of a barrel of cider. Among the first
objects that met my weary and jaun-
diced eyes the next day, was the Ma
jor, at his interminable preparations a
gain My heart was broken and 1
wept
"whorn do we mourn this time ?" I
said.
1.-THE Princess Beatrice, daughter Of
the Queen"
Here. now said lit is time 10
inquire into the thing. How long is
the Queens family likely to hold out.
/ VINO comes next on the list?"
Their Royal Highnesse5s Anne,
Mary, Elizabeth, Gertrude, Augusta,
William, Simon, Ferdinand, Irene,
Sophia, SusanHah, Socrates, Sampson,
''
Hold There's a limit to human
endurance. l am only mortal. What
man dare do, dare. but who can cell
ebrate this family in detail, and live
/ to tell it, is less or more then man. II
you have to go through this every
year, it is a mercy was born in A.
merica, for | havn't constitution
nough to be an Englishman. / shall
have TO withdraw from this enterprise.
/ am out of drinks. Out of driaks,
+ and thirteen more 10 celebrate. Out Of
( drinks Just on the outskirts Of the fam
I lily, as you may say. | am sorry enough
to have to withdraw, but it is plain e.
nough that is has to be done. l am
fall Of gas, and my teeth are la0se, aad
( am afflicted with sourvy, toothache.
/ measles. the mumps and lock Jaw, and
wrenched with cramps, and the cider
last night has given me the cholera
/ Gentlemen, | mean well, but really
am not in a condition to celebrate the
other thirteen
Give US a rest.
THE YOTAG wEFE-S SECRET.