Litchfield enquirer., 1870-11-24
THE !" PRESENT NUISANCE.
BY MARK TWAIN.

THE" PRESENT NUISANCE. 7
 s f.s4sss,s,s BY, MARK TWAIN. as To be the editor of any kind of newspa- per, either couMtry or metropolitan (but very especially the former), is position which must be trying to Q goodrnatured man. Because it makes him an object of charity whether or no. It makes him the object of q peculiar and hunniliating, be- cause an interested charity a charity thrust upon him with offensive assurance and 8 perfectly unconcealed taken-for- granted that it will be received with gratitude, and the donor accounted 8 benefactOr: and at the very time the donors chief motive, his vulgar self Interest, is left as frankly un- concealed. The country editor offers his advertising space to the public at the trifie of one dollar and . half or two dollars a square, first insertion, and one would sup pose that his "patrons" would be satisfied with that, but they areE not. They puzzle their thin brains to find out some cheaper way of getting their wares celebrated some way whereby they can advertise vir- tually for nothing They soon hit upon that meanest and shabbiest of all Oontri- vances for robbing 8 gentle-spirited scrib. bier. viz. the conferring upon him of a present and begging q "notiee of it--thus pitifully endeavoring not only to invade his sacred editorial columns, but get ten dollars worth of advertising for fifty cents worth of merchandise, and on the top oi that leave the poor creature burdened with debt of crushing gratitude! And SO the corrupted editor, having once debauched his independence and received one of these contemptible presents, wavers little while the remnant of his self.respect is consum
 ing, and at last abandons himself to Q ca
 reer of shame, and prostitutes his columns to "notices" of every sort of present that stingy neighbor chooses to int1ict upon him. The confectioner insults him witt forty cents worth of ice cream--and he layishes four "squares" of editorial com. pliments on him; the grocer insults him with bunch of overgrown radishes and g dozen prize turnipsA land gets an editorial paragraph perfectly putrid with gratitudei the farmer insults him with three dollars
 worth of peaches, or beet like Q mans leg, ora watermelon like channel buoy. or cabbage in many respects like his own head, and expects third of column oi exnberant imbecility-and gets it. And these trivial charities are not respectfully and gracefully rendered. but are thrust in. solently upon the victim, and with an ail that plainly shows that the victim will be held to strict accountability in the next issue of his paper. t1,
 I am not an editor of a newspaper, and shall always try to. do right. and be good, so that God will not make me one: bni there are some persons who have got the impression, somehow, that am that kind of character. and they treat me according ly. They send me g new tangled wheel barrow, and ask me to "notice" it; or g peculiar boot. jack, and ask me to. ':notice' it; or 8 sample of coffee, and ask me ts '.noticep 1t; or an article of furniture worth eight or ten dollars. or g pair oi crntches, or truss, or an artificial nose or few shillings' worth Of rubbish of the vegetable species; and here. lately. an in one uay, received barrel of apples, q thing to milk COWS with, basket of peach es. box of grapes, new sort of wooden leg, and patent 'composition" grave. stone. .' :" Notices" requested. A barrel od apples, 8 ow.miIker, . basket of peaches, and a box of grapes, all put together. are not worth the bore of writing a :" notice, , nor a tenth part of the room the '' notice'
 would take up in.the paper, and so they remained unnoticed. | had no immediate use for the wooden leg. and wonld mo, have accepted g charity grave stone if ] had been actually dead and actually suffer. ing for 1t when it can1e-so I sent those articles back. l a3St 2c 199iA6a ;a,Aa
 I do not want any of these under-hand. ed, obligation -inflcting presents. pre-. fer to cramp myself down to the use ol such things as I can afford, and then pay for them; and then .when2sl scitizen needs the labor of my hands he can have it, anG I will infallibly come on him for damages.
 The ungraceful custom, so popular ir the back settements, of facetiously wailine about the barren pockets of editors. is tho parent of this uncanny present inhicting and it is time that the guild that origina
 ted the custom and now suffer in pride anC purse from it, reflected that decent anC dignified poverty is thoroughly respecta
 ble; while the Haunting of either real ol pretended neediness in the public face
 and the bartering of nanseating # 'ppfs' for it's legitimate fruits of charitable pres
 ents, are so thoroughly indelicate, unbe coming and disreputable. = Galasy. .. rs@AH @s f+o 2SfazJ tI v uK