The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-03-29
H U M oRoUs ITEMS

nsy" A Lewiston man says that if ever
he builds a house he will have folding
doors =" they're SO handy in case of
funeral %
Ray Dinner for nothing is very good
fun but you can't say as much of moth
ing for dinner.
Raye Depredations on the males -
searching husbands pockets while they
are sleeping.
Bsy" A pedant remarked to farmer,
" cannot hear fool" Your mother
could" was the reply.
Bay@ A handsome young lady being
asked If she ever gave kiss, replied,
" No; but [ have often had one stolen"
Ba" A New Zealand chief maintained
that he had good title to his land, be-
cause he had eaten its former owner.
pag~ Some one called Richard Steele
the "vilest of mankind He retorted
with proud humility, cit would be
SloIlouS WoTlu IL were.
bg~ A lodging-house keeper adver-
tises to furnish gentlemen with pleasant
and comfortable rooms, also one or two
gentlemen with wives"
Ba" A London merchant advertised
for clerk who could bear confinement
He received an answer from one who
had been seven years in jail
RSS~ A friend of ours was congratu-
lating himself upon having recently taken
a very pleasant trip. Upon inquiry, we
found that he had tripped and fell into a
young lady's lap.
BY~ The captain of a privateer, who
had been in an engagement, wrote to his
owners that he had received but little
damage, having only one of his hands
wounded in the nose.
a9~ Horace Walpole tells story of
Lord Mayor of London in his time,
who, having heard that friend had the
smallpox twice, and died of it, asked if
he died the first time or the second.
Dg" An Alabama editor, in putting
a grocery kept by a woman, says" Her
tomatoes are red as her own cheeks; her
indigo as blue as her own eyes and her
pepper as hot as her own temper.
B0" Lady Beaulieu was complaining
of being awoke by noise in the night;
her lord Gan lrishman) replied, ooh,
for my part, there's no disturbing me ;-if
they don't wake me before | 90 to sleep,
there's no waking me afterwards"
8g- A Teutonic philosopher was salu-
ted by one of his friends. "How are
you, Toot?" the philosopher stopped,
posed his stick on the pavement, and
replied: "Well' watts the use of gom-
plainin'? Ven | complain, beeple tink I
wants to toporrow monish; ven l don't
gomblain, they tink l have monish to
lend"
Ds~ A promising young shaver of FIVE
or six years was reading his lesson at
school one day, in the deliberate manner
for which urchins of that age are some
what remarkable. AS he proceeded with
his task he came upon the passage,
Keep thy tongue from evil and thy lips
from guile" Master Hopeful drawled
out, Keep-thy-tongue e-from-evil
-and-thy-lps-fronl-girls."
CAPE COD ROMANCE.
Two lovers stood upon the shore,
OF Massachusetts Bay
Bidding sad farewell before
Seth tore himself away.
"I'll marry you when come back,
My Sally Ann" says he
And then he took little smack,
And went away to sea.
Rss~ Capt. Jones was a great traveller,
and fond Of telling large stories, some of
which being doubted he proved by
making his affidavit of their truth.
When he died, the following epitaph,
was inscribed on his tombstone:
Tread softlymortals DER the bones
OF the worlds wonder, Captain Jones;
Who told his glorious deeds to many,
But never was believed by any
POSterity let this suffice