The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-25
WHOLE NO. 1874.
Amusing Paragraphs.

WHY are umbrellas like good Catholics
They keep lent so well
WHAT should ciergymen preach about?
About fifteen minutes.
WHEN is fowls neck like bell? When
it is wrung for dinner.
SUFFERING from wet groceries" is the
polite name for drunk in Chicago.
SHOULD suld acquaintance be forgot ?"
Not if they have money.
How long does a widow mourn for her
husband? She mourns for a second.
LONDON has discovered Mordaunt that
fixes the dye of fast eolors on the Prints of
Wales.
A GREAT beer-drinker sat out dull drama
because he wanted to see the tin(e)ale of
the play.
A SENTIMENTAL youth says he prefers
hanging on the neck to hanging by the
neck; but that both are dangerous.
A CHAPLAIN of state prison was asked
by friend how his parishioners were.
''All under conviction, was the reply.
WHY is a dog witha broken leg like boy
at arithmetic :? Because he puts down three
and carries one.
GERMAN version of an old couplet: ''AIan
wants but little beer below, but wants that
little strong"
JoLH BILLINGS says: Zone of the fus-
siest scenes 1 ever see'dwu two old maids
waitin on one sick widower."
WHY is the earth like blackboard? Be-
cause the children of men multiply upon
the face of it.
ARE members of City Council called
''City Fathers" from their extensive deal
ings in ''pap?"
School MARIN to little Josie: "Whers is
the North Pole, JOsie?' "Top of the map,
marm"
ga MAN can't help what is done behind
his back, as the scamp said when he was
kicked out of doors.
In game of cards great deal depends
on good playing, and good playing on a
good deal.
Nh. BILLINGS is Of the opinion that
''thare IL lots ov people in this world who
covet misfortunes, just for the luxury of
grunting."
AN Hishman that was very near-sighted,
about to fight duel, insisted that he
should stand six PAGES nearer his antagonist
than the other did to him.
A COMMENTATOR discovers that Nebu-
chadnezzar invented the popular game of
''old sledge," because he got his living on
''all fours" for seven years.
An old farmer whose son had lately died,
was visited. by a neighbor, who began to
eOndole with him on his loss. ''AIy loss p
exclaimed the father, ''no such thing; it
was his own loss-he was of age"
A METHODIST minister in Vermont has
forbidden any one to play base Eiol in his
church. He says however serious his
thoughts may be, the moment he hears a
fiddle he goes to thinking how he used to
dance.
THERE is an old lady in Lynchburg, Va,
who says she made a pair of socks last
fifteen years by merely knitting feet TO
them every winter, and legs every other
winter.
A WESTERN school teacher received the
following note from one of her scholars as
an excuse for hardness: 'iBaby cross Bis
cult to Bake Had no Baken powders the
dog up set the coffee pot the cat licked IN
the Milk and got Up late Excuse"
A GENTLEMAN was chiding his son for
staying out late at night, or rather early
next morning, and said: why, when !
was of your age my father would not allow
me to go out of the house after dark. -
"Then you had deuce Of q father, you
had, " sneered the young prohigate; where
upon the father very rashly vociferated, 81
had confounded sight better one than you
have you young rascal
An Eastern clergyman, who called upon
a lady 70 condole with her upon the sup
posed loss of her husband while out in his
boat at sea, was told by her that ''Benja-
min dearly loved his Bible; and if he was
called to leave, he was prepared to 60, for
he was good man" Here long silence
ensued. Finally, drying her tears, the
wife said in low and earnest tone, ''Well,
if he did go, it must have been that same
gust that slowed the barn." The missing
man subsequently returned