The Leavenworth weekly times. [volume] (Leavenworth, Kan.) 1870-1880, 1870-09-15
The JOsls billings Papers.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.

Long Branch is the eastern terminus ov
sum real estate on the west side ov the At
lantik Oshun, and IL lokatid clos down to
the edge Of the water.
The populashcn IL homo genus, woman
genus, girl and boy genus, young one genus,
and divers other Kind of genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty. They
go into the Atlantik Osh, n, hand :n'! hand,
man and wife, phcllow and gall, stranger
and stranscrcssss,, dr,st in flowing robes,
and come out by and by like statlary in i
tight fit.
The Atlantik Oshun IL great success.
The author and proprietor Nv i, never makes
emmy plumbers.
Thare liz a create deal ov morality here ut
Long Branch. Tharc is SIM isolated cases
ov ini,uity, and Il clever sprinklins oy inno-
cent deviltry.
| am pleased to state that the iniquity IL
principally in filst hands, and finds but few
takers.
The fluid ov the AtIantik Osliun IL salt,
and haz bin 50 for more than 800 years To
my knowledge. ! state this is stubborn
fakt, and the "oldcst inhabitant may help
himself if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has both
cred the clergy for years. Sum ov them say
that large humps ov rsalt WIZ deposited in
the oshmm at an carly day by the injuns for
safe keeping, and sum say that the CRATE
number ov kodfish and number = makrel
that travel in its waters haz fyoured the
OshUn.
endorse the kotl.ish and makrel job, not
bekause think it IL true, but bekause ]
think il il the weakest an hav alwus
bin in the habit CIV standing up for the weak
and oppressed.
Flirtashuns are thick here, ~ principally
occur amung thoze who hav wore the con-
jugal yoke until their necks have begun to
&c, CALLED.
Theze ilirtashens are looked upon az tn
tirely innocent, and are called "reeruit-
ing"
They are konsidercd by sum (who call
themselves good judge, more bracing than
the ses-airing.
MilliOnaires are numerous, besides Others
who put on millyun ov airs more or less.
Now and then YOU will see forrin snob
Just over from the other side Ov the AtEintik
Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars turned
down, and short noses turned up.
The landlord tells me they hev all paid
their bills thus far, and he seq the last thing
de duz at mite, before he goes tew sleep, is to
pray that they will kontinue on to do so.
The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew
be heavy, and weigh we'll, and the landlord
being ov righteous turn ov mind, think
he will win.
The Continental Hotel IL the principal one
here, and IL infested, just now, by eight
hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who
eat ) meals per day.
The female portion ov these dear innocent
creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down
once day, to the keel ov their trunk, and
drag out bi the nap ov the mex sum clothes,
that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry
that she hadn't portponed living until Long
Branch had bin invented, 50 that -he could
have got the style.
1 advise all 0v mi friends to come to the
Continental Hotel, and bring their best
clothes with them.
Long Branch haz menny things 10 interest
tine scholar, and the philan,hropist, among
which IL the race-course, just bIlt.
I attended this race-coursc lately, AMI saw
sum very good rotary movements ON II.
l didn't bet bekauze ! hav alwas been
principled aginst loseing emmy money.
] think could win emmy quantity ov
money, and spile mi morality, but the loss
ov fu dollars would git mi morality out
ov repair for ages.
Long Branch IL also the home ov the
crab, and the world-ronow
musketo.
The crab is kaught in endless confusion at
Plezzure Bay, cluss by Long Branch.
He is caught by tieing hard knot Oh the
other end ov string, and then dropping
the string down in the water, and tickling
the bottom ov his feet with the knot, in this
way, sumtimes he is kaught and sumtimes he
IL not. ..-.
The nusketo IL az na,ral to Nj Jersee as
Jersee lightning Il
The musketo IL a marvellous ku-s, but viii
he ever wuz allowed tew take out hiz papers,
and travel, il unknown tew me, or emmy Ov
mi near rela.hunS.
If he haz emmy destiny TO fill, it ni,Ist be !
his stummick, for he Is the biggest bore, ac-
kording to the size Ov hiz cinie,, hav ever |
met seldom. 1t don't lool- well for philOs- |
,pher tew be fracktious at enny;i;ing, not |
wen bug, but il ennybo,ldy ever hears me |
swear tout loud he may Inow thar haz been
/ kussid mlsketeer on mi premises.
/ cum tew Long Branch Gin company with |
mi wife) at the opening Ov the season, and
out ND at the Continental Hotel, and intend /
row to keep putting up thare until the
house shuts up, if l have tew klimb the Aag-
taft to do it.
Every body who puts up at this hotel IL
flowed to put up regular, once q week, for l
liz board, md proniskus thing. =. .....,,
This il blessed privilege, whjlA -