The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-05-10
Il U M oRoUs IT E M S

may reap.
RGg" Why do teetotalers run such a
slight risk of drawning. Because they
are so accustomed to keep their noses
above water.
nssy@ a drunken man, who had slipped
down, thought it singular that water
always freezes with the slippery side
up.
Rsiy" A Dutchmans toast Here ish
to ter heroes who fit, pleed, and tite nit
de pattler Of Puuker Hill, of whom l am
one"
Bsl~ This is what I call capital punish
ment, as the boy said when his mother
shut him into the closet among the pre-
serves
Bsy~ Oliver Wendell Holmes says that
widows who cry easy are first to marry
again. There is nothing like wet weather
for transplanting.
pegFH George, do you know Mr. Jones
has found beautiful baby on his door
step, and is going to adopt him ?" Yes,
papa; he will be Mr.. Jones stcp-son
won't hep
Be5y" Parents" " said solemn preacher,
you have children; if you have not, your
daughters may have" And then pro-
ceeded with his homily.
pa Mother" said little five year
old, sister Mary swared" Why
what did she say ?" "I heard her say
she wouldn't wear those darned stockings
to church"
18g" An old lady in Germantown is so
full of sympathy that every time her
ducks take bath in the gutter she dries
their feet by the fire to keep them from
catching cold.
HsS~ An expeditions mode of getting
up row, is to carry along ladder on your
shoulder in a crowded thoroughfare, and
every few minute turn round to see if any
one is making faces at you.
Dsly~ A Boston fop who could not waltz
offered young lady one hundred dollars
if she would let him hug her as much as
the young man did who just waltzed with
her. 1t was good offer, and showed
that money was no object to him; but
they put him out of the house so hard
that his eye was quite black.
hSD- Gen. Dom Piatt says that at
dinner party the other night, Senator
Nye put his new silk tile carelessy upon
tho sofa A few minutes after the We eran
philosopher Greely sat down and crushed
the hat fearfully. Hang it, roared Nye,
= l could have told you it wouldn't fit be-
fore you tried it on"
Dtay" A New London Sabath-school
teacher said to little boy, recently:
=" Suppose some wicked boy, should stop
you on your way to church and ask you
to go to some bad place with him, what
would you say ?" What would say ?"
repeated the little wag: al should say,
Shoe fly, don't bother me- Pm bound
for Sunday school,"
De5" A young gentleman who feels
willingness to sacrifice himself to the
happiness of somebody else's family, thus
unbosoms his alacrity: Wanted situa-
ton as son-in-law in respectable family.
Blood and breeding no object, being al
ready supplied; capital essential. No
objection to go short distance into the
country"
D@5" A Dutch woman kept toll gate,
One foggy day traveller asked Il" Madam
how far it is to B---?" "Shoost %
leetle ways" was the reply. eyes; but
but how far 2" again asked the traveller
" Shoost leetlc ways" more emphati,
cally. Madam, isit one, two, three,
four or five miles?" The good woman
ingeniously replied, "I dinks it is p
D1fr The following dialogue is said to
have taken place in the course of di-
vinity examination at Cambridge Uni
versity, England:
Question-What animal in Scripture
s raoordad tO haua anoLan