The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1870-04-07
WIT AND HUMOR

| her she would sue him for breach OF i"
promise.
JOSH BILLINGS says: "Before would
preach the Gospel rs sum ministers
are obliged to. for four hundred and
% dollars a year., would get living
as Nebuke'lnezer did, aud let the con.
gresashun go tew grass too"
! A SEXTON overheard The schoolmaster
!, | giving lessons in grammar .'You can
I not place q, the singular article" said
the prcceptor, ''before plural nouns
No one says pigs, a women, o.
|"Nonscnsc! exclaimed the sexton
"the Prayer-book knows better than
! you, l should think; or it wouldn't
teach me TO- say a-men."
1T is demonstrated BY the decision
in the Moore -Bonnell case, that people
can't tell whether they are married or
not. 1t only remains for Congress to
pass law that ministers and other peo-
pie whose duty it is to join antagno
nistic parties together, shall be obliged
to keep on hand at ali times red.hot
branding-irop, and when they have
married Il couple aud got their pay,
brand them on the spot, ~, S.
united suckers.
Dr.. Lampier, who disappeared from
Mclean county. ILL.,, last fall, has turn.
ed up in Missouri, preaching away as
though he never had Disappeared 1t
will be remembered that n young wo
man had twins there soon after the
Reverend Doctor left, and the mother
claimed that the doctor was the.-bu.
then, his friends denied it, and swore
she didn't know what she was talking
about, and she said it was mighty sell
dom if she didn't know.
An absent minded old bachelor il in
the habit, when he comes homo to tea,
o! putting the kettle on the stove, and
taking snooze until the kettle begins
to sing. when he would get up ana
make his tea. The other evening. be.
ing little prostrated on account Of OH
Simpkins' daughter cutting him on
! the street, he put the kettle on the
lounge and got on the stove himseltl
aud never discovered his mistake uuti
he began TO sing.
"A PALPABLE HIT" ."..-.A retort of
Mr.. Br:ght's has been going the rounds
of the English press. Some little time
ago the President Of the Board Of Trade
was dining with well.known citizen Of
Cottonopolis, and the conversation
turned on the subject of the growth
and development Of America. Il should
like said the host, who is an enthusi.
astic admirer Of the Great Republic,
.'to come back fifty years after my
death to see what q fine country Amer-
ca had become" II believe you would
be glad Of any excuse to come back,
said Mr.. Bright,
a CLERICAL principal OF an English
boarding school for boys called his
pupils together at the beginning of Lent
and gave them q short lecture upou
! sell.dcnial and self sacrifice, and az.
visel them to select some article Of
! food with which they would dispense
during the season of Lent. The boys
were directed to go INTO room by
themselves, and after deciding what
luxury they would give up. to return
to the chapel and report Their decision.
The boys retired and soon returned
and made the following report:
"REspEcrED PRINclpAL Il have the
honor to scport that your pupils have
religiously considered the subject sub
nittel to them by your Reverence, and
have unanimously voted to dispense
with hash during the season Of Lent"
A PRISONER in Detroit court, when
asked where he lived, replied: Liver
Live? live in the regions of eternal
bliss. own farm of thousand acres
there. Iplow my land with angels and
raise .cabbagcs, cabbages, cabbages,
bccts, beets, beats. You're Il cabbage;
you're beet; !. you're an angel; you're
a horse; you're an ass, an ass, an ass
Whoop!" rs your father liyingg'
'.rm my own father; I'm the fa.herof
all nations slave you got any moth
err" "Yes, young man; yes young
man; lots of 'em; to-, OF 'em. You
look as though you needed mother.
you want nursing; you amt healthy.
Ny mothers shall be your mothers, all
of 'em. I'll be your father Child OF
imortality, embrace your heavenly faith.
err He proved to he All escaped In.
atic.
"WHAR's THE BARN "a rural Law.
yer whom we will designate as Squire
Jovia', once had an important case in
a country court, and the decision de.
pended entirely on the way the jury
would regard the testimony of tho ladx.