Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-02-01
-Lee7lCb for HaSa2aOs'ists.

Why was Eve not afraid of the measles?-Be-
cause she'd 'ad EN-. adam
An infantry officer mentions twins as par-o'-
pets attached to the breastworks.
IA Western paper, describing an evening
dress says it bursts open at the top and foams
over.
That sir, is the spirit of the press, said
Mrs. Jenks, as she handed Nipper glass of
cider.
Abiding to chiguons Mrs Clever said, "a
girl now seems all head Yes, till you talk
to her, growled the old man.
There is only one good substitute for the en-
dearments Of sister and that is the endear-
ments of some other fellows sister.
There is man out West with hair so red
that when he goes out before day he is taken
for sunrise, and the cocks begin to crow ~
Il like TO read epigrams against US women"
chains you know that they are on him. ~
Gentlemen of the jury said a Western
lawyer, Il don mean to insinuate that this
man IS a covetous person, bat / will bet FIVE to
one that if you should bait steeI-trap with a
new three-cent piece, and place it within six
inches OF his mouth, you would catch his SOUL
A White Pine landlord thus advertises his
hotel in the local papers And Joseph went
aloud, .and he said unto his brethren, II am
Joseph; doth my father yet live? 6 And his
brethren answered him: You bet, the old
man is doing bully, for he boards at the Cos
mopolitan." .a ~
4 young man living in Lafayette, Ind. is
humility personiied. The other day he asked
young lady if he might be allowed the priv
ilege of going home with her, and was indig-
nantly refused; whereupon he inquired very
humby if he might be allowed to sit on the
fence and see her go by?' -a g
"A Yankee one day asked his lawyer how
an heiress might be carried off, You canno,
do it with safety" said the counsellor, "but
I'll tell you what pou may do. Let her mount
a horse and hold bridlewhip; do you then
mount behind her, and you are safe, for she
runs away with you" The next day the law
yer found that it was his own daughter who
had run away with his client.
Mark Twain produces one of the most strik-
ing cases of meanness on record. He says be
knows of an incorporated society which hired
a man to blast a rock, and he was punching
powder in with crowbar when a premature
explosion followed, sending the man and crow
bar out Of sight. Both came down again al
right, and the man went to work again prompt
~. DUG iIG Was SOHC OuIy ultcGu
utes, the company "aocked hiri for lost time. y
a Missouri editor calls upon delinquent sub
scribers in this narrowing way: ''Oh. OIL it's
enough to sicken the soul, the heart the gig
zard Of the stoutest and smutty- phizzed edi
tors devil. We need money to reft We are
poorer than Jobs unfortunate turkey, whose
bones ratified castanet compartment when
be gobbled, IF whole grocery stores were sell
ling for blue postage stamp apiece, we could
not buy an empty mackerel kit Friend Good
friend Sweet, negligent friend Don't lay this
paper down and think we mean some other in.
dividual It's only three dollars, but thous
and such trifies make $4,000; and that's big
thing for newspaper, enough to put us firmly
on our feet again. Pay up! pay upI'
George B., Of Buffalo, is most inpeterate
smoker-in fact, George has been known to &c
sleep smoking, and have his pipe taken from
bis mouth without waking him. One day las
week, Uncle Q. found q pipe which he sup
posed to be Georges and the cid gentleman
having known him from the time when the
memory of that much respected individual, the
''oldest inhabitant, runneth not back to. made
a straight break for Georges house, and seeing
Mrs. B., asked
SIS George dead ?"
George dead!" exclaimed Mrs B. why
no. What in the world made you think so,
Mr.. G. %
Why, found his pipe, and it was cold"
Uncle e. lodged the broomstck, and made
his escaDe