Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-02-17
Humorous Readings.


Josh Billings says: "If man haint
got we'll balanced head, I like tew see
him part his hair in the middle"
A California editor has been inter-
viewing a cinnamon bear. He describes
the conduct of the interviewed as touch
ing in the extreme, so much so that he
was constrained to leave with him several
locks of hair and his overcoat.
AT prayer meeting in Augusta, Me-,
some irreverent urohins woke up the
sexton, who had fallen asleep. when the
startled funotionary, supposing it was Just
morning, exclaimed, "Maria Maria get
up! time to get breakfast !" The boys
had good laugh.
To toast OF "The babies-God bless
them !" railway conductor responded :
"May their route through life be pleasant
and profitable their ties we'll laid; their
track straightforward, not backward.
May their fathers be safe conductors, their
mothers faithful tenders, and their switch
never misplaced :"
"A German duke has presented his
bust to blind asylum. There was gal
liant Colonel who once gratifed the in
mates of blind asylum in the South with
a dress parade, and who serenaded the
uufortunates of deaf and dumb institu-
ton with the regimental band. Fact
-"Pompey, are you willing to be damned,
if it should be the Lords will ?" inquired
pious friend. ooh yes, massa, and more
too; 1 am willin' you be damned, too,
massa," replied Pompey.
One evening as a newsboy was trudg-
ing along in the rain, an irreverent,
would-be wit accosted him with, "Boy,
you must remember the words of Crom-
well-Trust in God and keep your papers
dry" mo you don't" said the little
wretch, 81 don't trust !"
"A gentleman being asked by clergy
man why he did not attend evening
prayer-meeting, said he could not leave
the children. "Why, have you no SER
wants ?" "Ye., we have two servants
he replied, 'who keep the house and
board us. We are allowed few privi-
leges."
In the Recorders court, i'll Montreal,
d dusky savage was brought up on charge
of being drunk. He told the court that
she was deaf and dumb, and couldn't
speak a word of English. These distress
ing circumstances procured his discharge.
"A contemporary says: AN Irish
man the other day threw ii stone at dog
in neighboring city, and missed him"
Not surprising, considering where the dog
was.
"A Georgia judge lately defined in
terms when a man is legally drunk.
Said he, at is not necessary that q man
Oh ko iya 1ital, nt. hIlr n.
ing his head against your posts, that you
may know him to be drunk, hut when
ever he begins to tell the sano thing over
twice, then he's drunk !"
Little Charlie, two years old, had
been teasing for milk, aud after having
given him some the third time, his mother
said she would slap him if he asked ogain
for milk After waiting some time he
came up to his mother, kissed her, then
said, M. please give Charlie cream"
"Why don't you limit yourself - said
physician to an intemperute person. Set
down "A stake that you will go so far and
no farther" Il do" replied the other.
"But set it 50 lar off that | always get
drunk before [ get to it,
-"Lotlie," said little visitor, "what
makes your KITTY No cross I"
ooh! cause she is cutting teeth, l
'spect."
-"You ought to lay up something or
rainy day. said father to his son
"And so L have" replied the youth.
"What ?" IAN umbrella p
-"Harry, you shouldn throw away
nice bread like that; you may want it
yourself before you die" Wet. mother,
and if I should, would stand amy nrtt.'r
chance of getting it then If | should eat it
now ?"
"A little colored boy had just been
equipped with new suit of clothes, the
first he ever had III his life. Next morn
ing he appeared with one leg of the
trowsers ripped up from shoe to waist
band. On being asked how it happened,
he answered; please ma am, wanted to
hear it flop !"
"A country school teacher preparing
for an exhibition of his school selected a
class of pupils, and wrote down the ques-
tions and answers to the questions he would
put to them on examination day. The
day came, SO did the young hopefuls, all
but one. The pupils and their places had
been arranged and all went glibly on I'M
til the question for the absentee, when
the teacher asked:
I'm whom do you believe ?"
Napoleon Bonaparte."
"You believe in the Bible, do you motif"
mo-" said the pupil, amid roars of I'M
comfortable laughter, 'the boy who be-
lieves in the Bible hasn't come to school
to-day, he's at home, sick abed."