Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1870-05-20
The Josh Billings Papers.
SLIPS OF THE PEN,

The wizest thing about a IA an liz hiz con-
science-edukashun don't improve it.
Ii yu want tew find ont the ruling pash-
IN ov a boss, feed him high on oats it liz
! jiss SO With mankind.
Az gineral rule, the best way liz to de-
eide yureself what bizness in life it IL best
| for yure yung one tew follow, and then
stick him at it while he IL limber-men
alwus pole vines before they begin to run
much.
The only way for me to git out ov a
tight spot liz tew git into 1t fust. Sum
folks kan tell exackly how thing feels by
not tutching it, but kant.
The more babes in family the eaZier
and better they are raized-one chicken
alwus makes an old hen more clucking and
scratching than duzen duz.
| 1t takes an uncommon smart man, now
da7e tgT make an eSSd g oV Genius S
| 1t IL very small spot in the lightning
bugs tale that shines; it IL the darkness
ov the mite that make it 80 brilliant-it liz
jist SO with virtew.
Missing revenge IL like missing yung
hedgehog-the older he grows, the sharp
er hiz quilts.
The good man liz like an old-fashioned
NJ England clock-hiz soul IL the pendu-
lum whose regular noshuns civ life and
grace tew hiZ hands and face, thus show
him.
Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns
read like gide-boards tew the CRATE city,
and without them q CRATE menny would
take the wrong road.
Most people travel to see and be seen;
but few to compare.
Fools are telling us (confidensholD 'H1at
time is Short" but the difficulty lies not
in the shortness ov time SO mutch az it duz
in the length Of the fools.
Children are kut down like the yuug
wheat, to ripen olda peoplesare gathered
like the golden grain, to be ground and
bolted.
The only way tew truli enjoy ennything
Is tew be willing tew quit it when the bell
ringe.
Time il like fair wind-if we don't set
our sails, we looze that breeze forever.
We are often ridikuled for telling old
truths. The 10 commandments are old
enuff tew be wore out with truth but who
fOllers them ?
Take man, from Adam down to April
fool 1868, and would respectfully ask, if
he amt ded beat ? IL thare single
pashun ov hiz nature, up to date, that yu
kan take the halter ov civil law off from
and turn it out to grass
Waking up in the morning. to virtu-
Gus man, IL the same thing as being born
again.
Necessity liz the mother of invenshun,"
and Patient Wright il the father
1t dun me good to hear poor brute
WINNER in Broadway yesterday. I waz
glad thare was one stage boss in New York
City whose heart wasn't dead broke.
Death is the only thing in this life that
IL certain and even that amt always q
safe investment.
Rumor IL q vagrant without home, and
lives upon what it kan pick up.
The greatest viktory for mankind that
hAv ever bin won, hav been won by the
rod and the katechism.
The lion and the lamb may, possibly,
sumtime lay down in this world together
for fu minnits. but when the lion kums
to git up, the lamb will be missing.
Chastity is like glassware-too much |
frost in it makes it more brittle.
Virtew. backed up by courage, IL the !
perfekshun ov human natur. I don't |
reckon mercy nor pity always among the !
virtews; they are often only amable weak |
netsas. Justiss IL the square root ov awl
the virtews. I wouldn't hav emmy mercy
nor pity hove ont for rubbish; neither
would hav q man think bekauze he melts
at the anguish OF the viscious that it is
virteW that ails him
Bachelors are always O braggin ov their
freedom freedom to darn their own
stockings and poultiss their own shins I
had rather be a widdower once in years
regular than to be grunting, old, hair |
dyed bachelor 80 days.
The largest man that kan think ov now
was Israel Dunbar, of BillingsviIle. He
dried up a new mich COW in milkin her 3 |
times, and planted an aker ov beans last |
spring awl in hill. He is 45 years old, |
and amt had the meazles yet; he haz al 4
Wus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had
one son who was just like him. This boy
died when he waz Is years old, in krossing
korn field; the pumpkin vines took after
him and smothered him to death.
An act passed the Ohio Legislature for
L. H. e III