The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1870-06-10
say. It's nearly four hundred thousand

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about his business in it; and that he would
be happy to have my custom-would, in
fact, be proud to have the custom ofa man
OF such prodigious income; and that he
used to think that there were several veal
thy men in Buffalo, but when they come to
trade with him he discovered that they
barely had enough to live on; and that
in truth it had been such weary, weary
age since he had seen q rich man face to
face, and talked with him, and touched
him with his hands, that he could hardly
refrain from embracing me--in fact, would
esteem it great favor if | would let him
embrace me.
This so pleased me that did not try to
resist, but allowed this simple hearted
stranger to throw his arms about me and
weep few tranquilizing tears down the
back of my neck. Then he went his
way.
AS soon as he was gone, I opened his
advertisement. | studied it attcntively for
four minutes then called up the cook
and said:
"Hold me while faint. Let Maria turn
the batter cakes"
BY and by, when | came to, sent down
to the rum-mill on the corner and hired an
artist by the week to sit up nights and
curse that stranger, and give me lift oc-
casionally in the day time when | came to
a hard place.
All, what a miscreant he was His "ad-
vertisement" was nothing in the world but
a wicked taX-rcturn-a string of imperti-
nent questions about my private affairs oc-
cupying the best part of four foolscap pa
gcs OF fine print-questions, may remark,
gotten up with such marvellous ingenuity
that the oldest man in the world couldn't
understand what the most of them were
driving ACQUISITIONS, too, that were cal
culated to make a man report about four
times his actual income to keep from swear
ing to lie | looked for loophole, but
there did not appear to be any. Inquiry
No. l covered my case, as generously and
as amply as an umbrella could cover an
ant hill
"What were the profits, in 1869, from any
trade, business or vocation, wherever
carried on2"
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen Others of an equally searching ma
ture, the most modest of which required
information as to whether had committed
any burglary, or highway robbery, or by
any person or other secret source Of emolu-
ment, had acquired property which was
not enumerated in my statement Of income
as set opposite to inquiry No. /.
1t was plain that that stranger had cna-
bled me to make an ass of myself 1t was
very very plain and | went out and hired
another artist. BY working on my vanity
the stranger had seduced me into declaring
an income of $214,000. BY law, =, 900 of
this was exempt from income taX-the only
relief could see, and it was only drop
in the ocean. At the legal five per cent, |
must pay over to the government the APP
palling sum of ten thousand six hundred
and fifty dollars, income tax.
| may remark, in this place, that did
not do it.
| am acquainted with a very opulent
man, whose house is palace whose table
is regal, whose outlays are enormous,
yet a man who has no income, as
/ have often noticed by the revenue
returns; and to him | went for advice
in my distress. He took my dreadful ex.
hibition of receipts, he put on his glasses
he took his pen, and presto | was Il pau
per! 1t was the neatest thing that ever
was He did it simply by deity manipu-
lating the bill of "DEDUCTIoNs." He set
down my estate national and municipal
taxes at so much; my "losses by ship
wreck, fire, etc" at so much my "losses on
sales of real estate'-on olive stock sold"-
on payments for rent of homesteadsn-on
''repairs, Improvements, interest"-on "pre-
viously taxed salary as an officer of the
United States army, navy, revenue SERVICE"
and other things. He got astonishing
"deductions' out of each and every one of
them. And when he was done he handed
me the paper and saw at glance that
during the year 1869 my income, in the
way of profits had been one thousand two
hundred and fifty dollars and forty cents.
"Now," said he, "the thousand dollars is
exempt by law. What you want to do is
to go and swear this document in and pay
tax on the two hundred and fifty dollars"
While he was making this speech his
little boy Willy lifted a two-dollar green
back out of his vest pocket and vanished
with it, and l would bet anything that if
my stranger were to call on that little boy
tomorrow, he would make false return of
his income.
"Do you,' said I, "Do you always work
up the deductions after this fashion in
your case, sir2'
swell, should say 80! If it wern't for
'hoSS SiSNSh oaN Slduoto ultCl lllC
of Deductions l should be beggared
every year to support this hateful and wick
ed, this eXtortionate and tyrannical govern
ment."
This gentleman stands away up among
the very best of the solid men of Buffalo
the men of moral weight, ofcommercial in
tegrity, of unimpeachable social spotess-
ness-and so | bowed to his example. |
went down to the revenue Office, and under
the accusing eyes of my old visitor | stood
up and swore to lie after lie, fraud after
fraud, villainy after villainy, Till my immor-
tai soul was coated inches and inches
thick with perjury, and my selfrepect was
gone for ever and ever.
But whato of it2 1t is nothing more than
thousands OF the highest, and richest, and
proudest, and most respected, honored and
courted men in America do every year.
And SO | don't care. | am not ashamed.
! shall simply, for the present, talk little
and wear fire proof gloves lest | fall into
certain habits irrevocably. Butato Er
press.
| A sharp young lady says there is moth
ling more touching in this life than to see
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