The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1870-07-02
Budget of Finn.
a Temperance Discourse In Reply
10 Correspondent.
BY JOSH BILLINGS,

BY JOSH BILLINGS.
BERKSHIRE: Who it waz that invented alco-
hol, am unable tew tell without Icing but it
would have been 6rst-klass blessing for the rest
OF u.s. II he and the Ticker had both NV them bin
spht on the ground and never bin sopped up
since.
The devil himself, with all his genius for a
ten strike, could not have rolled ball more ser.
viceable tor hiz dizziness on earth; and more Ger.
tam to quarter on the head pin, and sweep the
alley every time. Rum is the DEVILS stool pig
con, biz right bower, hiz high, low, Jack and the
game.
A great menny with dyspeptic morals, argy
that hcker is indispensable for manufacturing
ana oocktor purposes, and also for mechanical
uses, and they hold that yu kouldn Z raise barn
that would stand, without some good old Jamscs
rum and some say that pudding sass. without
emmy spirits in it, IL no healthier than common
goose grease
But awl of theze are furnished free ov cost, by
the Devil himself, and emmy man who advances
them IL telling without knowing it perhaps lies
that will wsiyh at ruff estimate, at least q
pound apiece. But mi object in these fu pre-
liminus remarks, IL tew git good chance TO tell
what know about Jersey tightening" one ov
slcohcl's impsD as a manufacturing and meta
physikal agent
Jersey lightning il cider brandy, three hours
n.
il drunk raw by all the old sports, and makes
premonitary and Kissing noize az it winds down
the thrut, like an old she-goose setting on eggs
or hot iron stuck III ice water. Three horns q
day OF this Ticker will tan mans interior in six
months, SO that he kan swallow live, six.foo.ed
krab, feet fust, and not waste wink.
1t don tat u man cider brandy don't like
whiskee duz, but Fuckers him up like fried po.
tatoze IL a man can survive the fust three years
Il twin b.,
20 years to come, and keeps looking every day
more like three.year-old red pepper.pod, hotter
and hotter An old cider brandy drnker will
steam, IN sudden shower ov rain. iks pile ov
stable manure, and hiz breath smells like the
bunghole ov a rum cask lately eup.ed
When Jersey lightning is fust born it tastes
ike billing turpentine and cayeue, half-aud.half
and will raise a blood-blister on pair ov old
kowhde brogars in 10 minutes, and applied ex.
ternaly. will cure the rumatsm or kill the pa.
tieLt, forget which. The first horn a man takes
ov this Ticker will make him think he has swal.
lowed = gaslight, and he will! 90 out behind the
barn and try 10 die, but kant. The eyes Of an
old ciderbrandist look like deep gashes kut into
ripe tomato, hiz noe is the komplexion ov a
haf-biled lobster, and the grizzle in his outlet
sticks out like an elbow in tin leader.
The more vilianous the drink the more in.
veterate are those who drink il. | kant tell yer
whether ciutr oranuy Will shorten an OLD SUCK
ers days or not, for they generally outlive all
the rest OF the naboos and die just AS soon as the
old tavern stand change. hands and is opened on
temperance principles. One bottle ov sassspa-
r!!s or ginger popiz fa,le tew .heze old felers
az rife ball IL tew ii bed bugg.
would do almost ennything bu. murder tew
save young man from Jersey lightning; but
trieng tew an old one Is like treing tew
put the fire ont ov hollow log yu might NJ
well let it burn up. for the ashes is worth more
than the log.