The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1870-02-03
HUMOROUS.

How much does fool weigh gener-
ally? A simple-ton.
Why is the world like a piano?
Cause it is full of sharps and fats.
Summer complaints-hot weather
and dull business.
A sehoolmaster "struck ile'' the 9TH
er day-a Juvenile.
The fittest dover for widow-A
wi-dower.
Why is laziness like money? be-
cause the more a man has of it the
more he wants.
The original meaning of chignon is
cabbage. Heads of cabbage-oh Ia
dies.
John Martin, the Irish patriot, advo-
Gates the settlement of Irish country
men on the lands of the West.
Why is washerw0man the most
cruel person in the world? Because
she daily wrings mems bosoms.
Why did William Tell shudder when
he shot the apple from his sons head
Because it was an arrow escape.
"Ah Pat,' said discontented hod-
carrier, don't take up this mode of
life. 1t has too many ups and downs
in it."
a landlady in Boston, it is said,
makes her biscuits so light, that the
dodgers can see to go to bed by them.
Saves kerosene.
II do declare Sal, you look pretty G.
nough to eat" "Well, John, amt l
eating as fast as can p" replied Sal,
with her moath full.
A wholesale house in this city ad-
vertises "Wanted-women to sell on
Commission. And this is Boston
Cool.
A respondent editor remarks that
if the country grows much worse he
shall publish notices of births under
the head Of disasters.
Wanted-A cover for bare suspicion
a vail for the face of nature, buttons
for breaches of privilege, binding for
volume of smoke, cement for broken
engagements.
a little girl excited by the brilliant
display of her aunt's gold plugged front
teeth, exclaimed: sOh, Aunt Mary,
how I do wish had copper-toed teeth
like you.n
a little boy having broken his rock
ing horse the day it was bought, his
mamma began to scold, when hesllen-
ced her by inquiring: "what is the
good of hoss till it's broked.
Resolutions have been offered in the
Kansas Legislature asking Senators
Ross and Pomeroy and Representa-
tive Clarke to resign, for their action
in the impeachment trial of Ex-Presi
dent johnson,
Figures will not lie,' is an old, and
used TO be well credited saying. But
the introduction Of hoops, crinoline,
hips, bustles, false calves and breast
works, has played the dickens with
the Proverb.
That was a freak of the carpenter
who ran through the streets with his
hands about three feet asunder, held up
before him, begging the passers-hy not
to disturb him, ''as he had got the
measure of a door way with him."
An individual at the races was stag
gering about the course with more liq-
uor than he could carry: Halo,
what's the matter ?" cried chap whom
the inebriated man had run against
Why-hie-why, the fact is-hic-a
lot of my friends have been betting on
the race to-day, and got me to hold
the stakes.'
John Randolph was one day, while
painting with the asthma, looking out
of his window, and was almost deafen-
Ell by the noise of bawling fellow
who was selling oysters. 1.-THE extrav-
agant rascal said Randolph, he has
wasted in two seconds as mach breath
as would have served me for q month"; ,
a lady thought it would look inter
esting to faint away at party, when
one of the company began bathing
her temples and head with vinegar up
on which she suddenly started up and
exclaimed:
'For heaTen's sake, put nothing on
| that will change the color of nay hair
Fanny, don't you think Mr.. Bold
/ is handsome nlan?"
'-Oh, no! can't endure his looks,
he is homely enough
"Well, he's fortunate, at all events,
/ for an old aunt has Just died, and left
/ him twenty thousand dollars"
Indeed! is it true? Well now.
! since come TO recollect, there is a GER
| tain noble air about him, and he has a
fine eye-that can't be denied ~
did you ever see one of these here
hoop-snakes??" asked Mr.. Furguson.-
"Me and my hired man was down
there in the home lot, by the side oi
the road, and We see something rolling
down the hill, and says |, i guess that
is one of them hoop-snakes coming a
long Ny hired man. he was afeerd
and elm up tree, but took my hoe
4 in my hand ayza .rant ont and S.nCd
side of q treein the road, and as bt
came along stuck out my hoe handle
and he hit ii a slap. and he made {
noise just like pistol: and sir, i
warn't MORN mint afor that are hoe
handle was sweiled up as big as my