The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-07-05
81 SlOcum and the Census Taker.

NUiSNit' '"PpiSp OPShNN thO uOOh
and entered. He was strapping fellow,
six feet two in his boots ,and" big enough
to eat us" had the diet been to his mind
and he felt so inclined and we are no
morsel. He was armed our visitor was,
with huge PORTFOLIO, and an ink-bottle,
in lieu of a red, red rose, adorned the
Tapped of his coat We looked into the
face of our visitor, and he looked into the
face of the other Teller" What he
thought of us we don't know; what we
thought of him he probably didn't care a
continental red. A grin, semi-sardonic
in character, parted his lips, the upper
of which a grizzled moustache adorned.
That grin we interpreted thus: I've
got you dead to rights, young feller-
hived you-you can't escape" There
certainly was no escape for us, whatever
his mission, with him between us and the
door; but we had table, at which we
were seated, between him and ourself,
whatever protection that would have
afforded
With our eyes still fixed upon his,
looked down upon us from their towering
height, we calculated, well, sir, your
pleasure 2" though we had not the look
of one bound on pleasure excursion,
A voice of double bass, that sounded
as though it came from the regions below
answered our query:
Give come to take your census"
Thereupon he took chair, took a seat
at the table opposite us, took out hand
kerchiof and wiped his face, and took
glass Of wat;r pitcher of which soothing
beverage stood upon the table. He was
right on the take. We have no doubt
that he would have taken a glass of old
rye, and good stiff one, had we invited
him, which we did not do, for three good
reasons: In the first place., it didn't oc-
cur to us to invite him in the second
place, we had no old rye on hand in the
third place, we wouldn't have invited
him to take hold of it if we had had any,
our hospitality in that line not extending
TO entire strangers-at least not until an
introduction has been gone through with.
recovering from the aqueous indul-
gence, which must have astonished his
stomach we were convinced, he opened
his portfolio, exposing a quantity Of
blank forms, ruled in columns, at the
head of each Of which appeared printed
matter.
$50 you are one of the census chaps,
eh?' we queried.
The doubie-bass voice said, after its
proprietor had taken a pen from out his
pocket, and uncorked his ink-bottIe:
" Yes and now let's get into the cen
sus business"
All right. Go ahead bat pray don't
incense us" we returned. The joke was
lost,its fragrance wasted on the desert air.
The census-takcr didn't perceive said joke,
30 intent was he upon the census, and
that did incense Us.
Let me say to you before l COM
mence," said the deep-toned voice, " that
If you refuse to answer any question this
blank calls for, or if you lie to me, you do
so at the rate of thirty dollars for each
refusal and le So talk quick, speak the
truth and shame the devil, unless you
have more money than you know what to
DO with, and wish to help extinguish the
national debt by lyirg."
Thirty dollars lie, Ell? What al
lowance for speaking the truth Any P"
No"
"No drawbacks, eh What sort of a
way is this to encourage truth-telling p
Slap goes down thirty dollars against us
if we lie little from delicacy, but not
one cent to our credit for the many truths
we may tell This is crow for us and
turkey for Uncle Samuel every time"
You must look at it in another light,
sir," said the hoarse-voiced census-taker.
Lying in this matter is luxury. If
you see fit to indulge in it, pay for it.,
chats all. What's your name?"
Slokum," we replied, seeing that he
was bent upon commencing the inter
view.
S-lO-c-
"We don't see it, we it." broke we
in upon him as he proceeded letter by
letter with our cognomen in the column
headed " Names" Slokum with a k,"
we added, with heavy emphasis on