Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-03-11
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
BHARP FooD--A swofd-fsh.

lively rooster.
A SPACIOUS Piece of Furniture-A table
of distances.
THE Greatest Bet ever Mado-the Al
phabet.
IL you want cowslips In winter drive
your cattle on ice.
AJEw's harp gives notes. AJew sharp
collects them.
To avoid the blues, insure in the Wash
ington Life Of New York.
TnE monogram that makes the most
matches is {.
How would you paint an absent mind.
cd friendP In brown study.
WHEN is fowls neck like a bell
When IL is wrung for dinner.
WAITING on three or four girls at the
same time is said TO be general court.
VINO Is the most liberal man THE
grocer; he gives almost everything he has
a weigh.
THE man whe buried his revenge in
oblivion has had IL washed up by the tears
OF repentance.
A TRUE philosopher Is one who can
smile at his own misfortunes and pity and
relieve those of others
Why is the earth like a blackboardY
Because the children of men multiply
upon the face of IL.
A SUNDAY SCHooL teacher in New
York gave n meerchaum pipe to one of
his scholars as a reward of merit.
If you can't coax fish to bite, try your
persuasive powers on a cross dog, and
you will be sure TO succeed.
My boy, what does your mother do
for livingf' was asked of little bare
footed urchin. "She eats cold victuals
sir"
LESSON IN GEoGRAPHY-School marin
to little Josie; Where is the North
Pole, JosieS" "Top of the map, marm."
A CHAPLAIN Of "a State prison was asked
by a friend how his parishioners were.
:" All under conviction" was the reply.
WHAT we hope OF fear may not come to
pass. No human scheme can be so accu-
rately projected but some little circum-
stance intervening may spoil it.
DIDN'T you guarantee, sir, that this
horse would not shy before the fire of an
enemyf" "No more he won't. 'Tisn't
till after the fire that he SHES"
THOSE are the best husbands and fathers
who prove their devotion by actions
IOhblhuC w DltSb even hIbGT uthIu
BY insuring your life in the Washington
this point is secured.
A WHITE garment appears worse with
slight soling than do colored garments
much soiled; so little fault in good
man attracts more attention than great of
fences in bad man.
NoTuTNG If NOT GRAMMATICAL
George" Kitty! Where are your"
Kitty" Here are, George p George
" Don't say, Here you are; say, Here
you am when you're speaking of your
self"
A PARIsIAN philosopher propounds a
question and gives the answer "Why
has nature given us two ears and but one
tonguoH In order that we should repeat
but one-half of what we hear"
A JUDGE recently stated in behalf of a
female witness whom lawyer was cross
questioning as to her age, that a woman
had right to be of any age she pleased,
because, If she stated her real age, nobody
would believe her.
1T is vain to stick your finger in the
water, and pulling it out, look for hole |;
and equally vain to suppose that, however
large space you occupy, the world will
miss you when you have passed on.
A SCHOOL TEACHER received the follow
ing note from one of her scholars as an
excuse for tardiness Baby cross Biscuit
to Bake Had no Baken powders the dog
up set the coffee pot the cat licked in the
MIX and got up late Excuse"
A TAX gatherer was observed the other
evening all alone In a corner, moody, me d =.
itative, and frowning. His work was
over for the day, but from force of habit
Coming from being always at the receipt
OF custom) he was collecting himself.
A MAN, on being told by generous
farmer that he would give him barrel
of cider, asked him if he would bring it
to his house. Certainly" replied the
farmer, with pleasure" "Well," said
the grateful recipient, "what will you pay
me for the barrel when the cider is gone ?"
THERE is a sentiment as beautiful as just
in the following lines: "He who forgets
the fountain from which he drank, and
the trees under whose shade he gamboled,
In the days OF his youth, is stranger to
the sweetest impressions of the human
heart"
AN old lady receiving a letter she sup
posed was from one of her absent sons,
requested her neighbor to read it, He &C.
cordingly began to read: "Dear mother"
then paused, rs the writing was rather il
legible. It's from Johnny" exclaimed
the old lady; "he always suffered"
AN inventive genius has produced an
apparatus which he says is cure for snor-
ing. He fastens upon the nose a gutta.
percha tube leading to the tympanum of
the ear, Whenever the snorer snores he
himself receives the first impression, finds
how disagreeable it is, and of course re.
forms.
THE Honorable Member" who was
recently appointed committee by the
Legislature TO inquire into his own con-
duct has reported in part, and asks for
power to send for persons and papers. lie
says II he had known how much there
was to do he never would have undertaken
the job.
AS several neighbors of rather dis.
honest man who kept q turner's shop were
discussing his wonderful skill in his art,
one of them remarked that, sxillful as he
was, there was one thing which he
couldn't turn" "What Is that ?" was
the general inquiry. "An honest penny" "
was the satisfactory reply.
DRARER AND DEARRR.
Dear Laura, when you were flirting young miss,
Aud was your dutiful swain
4 oHr smiles could exalt TO the summit of bliss,
Your nowns could o'erwhem mo with pain
my wife,
1t is strange the fond tic should be nearer;
For when am paying your bills, on my life,
hou seem TO goi dedrsr and dSdrsrl
CUSTOMER Ito clerk in a hardware store,
-" Show me small, low-pTiced shears.
Clerk (iaceuously)-"Perhaps You mean
! a pair of shears" Customer (severely)- =
Il mean precisely what l said" Clerh
(dehsntly, opening a specimen article)-
Are there not two blades here and don't
two make a pairI" Customer (triumph
antly)-" You have two legs; does thai
make you pair of msnfT The shear,
We're done up in profound silence.
A POOR young man once fell in Low,
with an heiress, and the passion being re
turned, il only wanted the parents con
sent to mako them happy. At length
meeting the father, he asked for th,
daughters hand. "How much can yor
oommandf" asked the millionaire, gruiiiy
cannot command much" was the re
ply. What are your expectationss
Well, 10 tell the truth, / expect 10 M,