Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-11-25
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The best flowers for winter wear-Furze.
A volume that will bring tears to your
ayes-a volume Of smoke
Men born blind can't be carpenters, be-
cause they never saw.
Impudence-to ask lawyer if he ever
told lie.
Why is the road Of transgressors so hardi
because it's SO much Travelled.
Many who think themselves the pillars Of
the church are only its sleepers.
GLUrroNs.- greatest are those who
feed upon SANDER; shey never get enough.
Are Office holders cannibals because they
live on the people?
When is the moon in bad financial con-
dition? When she is in her last quarter.
Soft soap in some shape, pleases all; and,
generally speaking, tic more tye you put
into it the better.
Honest industry has brought that man
to the scafold,' said wag, as he saw
carpenter upon the staging.
MARY. my love. this apple dumping is
not half done well, finish it, then, my
dear
Why is the omnibus strap like the con-
science? Because its an inward check to the
outward man.
"What motive can take you into the
country, my dear, so early?" ''The locomo-
tiye," was the reply.
WHY is married mau like Mississippi
steamboat? Because he don't know when
hos going to be blown up.
If brevity is the soul of wit, what vast
amount Of fun there is in the tail OF FASH
ionable coat nowadays.
Why is an overloaded gun like an Office
holder? because it kicks nightly when
discharged
An old proverb says, that incompetence
is pair of spectacles, through which one
sees the devil and all his angels.
Some Western towns are employing ts-
male clergymen in selfdefenss, as they never
run away with the girls in the congregation.
Why should common soldier who has
been in the ranks long time be afraid to
meet an excise officer? Because he's prl-
pate still
They tell of man out Vest whose hair
is SO red that he has to wear fly nets over
bis ears to keep the candle moths from flying
in.
Ameng the premiums offered at country
fair in Kentucky is one of $40 for the
neatest patch put on an old garment by an
unmarried woman.
"A woman is at the bottem of all mischief
said joe 'Yes,' said Frank and when |
used to get into mischief my mother was at
the bottom of me-
Now and then they cut of the ears Of a
horsethief in Oregon. and then telegraph
East that the crops were never better than
they are this season.
There is man at Dacotah, Iowa, so pc
nurious that, when Smelling corn, a kernel
flew into the woodpile, and be removed sew
en- cords of wood to find it.
Patience is exemplifed in the man who
left his wagon while his horse baked, sat
on rock and read the bible till the animal
was hungry enough to 60 home.
A married monster says be once had a
mcst deligh full dream, in which he imag-
ined he had an angel by his side, and on
waking up found it was only his wife.
''An old bachelor says: cit is all nom
sense TO pretend that love is blind. I never
yet knew man in love that dill not see ten
times as much in his sweetheart as | could"
Man of four-thought A Dutch Judge
on conviction Of a cul prit for having four
wives, decided, "He hasl, punishment blen-
ty /; I Ifs NIT oneE'
Mamma" said precocious little boy,
who against his will was made to rock the
cradle of his brother, eff the Lord has any
more babies to give away, don't you take
EN-"
'Darling Fuzzylinda, let us walk in the
meadow where the clover is in blossom and
the amorous zephyrs play" sob, durn
the amorous heifers see enough of them
on dads farm
A boy who heard the quotation, "a little
learning is a dangeroue thing" wished to
stop going to school because he was afraid
he should not live long enough to get past
the dangerous point
An elderly lady, telling her age, remark
ed that she was born on the Odd of April. |
Her husband, who was present, observed,
Il always thought you were born the LIST OF |
April = People might we'll judge so by |
the choice made of husband
A man stopping his paper wrote to the
editor: L think folks ottent to spend ther
mummy for payper, mi daddy diddent and
everybody sed he was the intelligentest man
in the country and had the smartest family
of bolz that ever dugged taturs
I meant to have told you of that hole,'
said a gentleman to his friend who was
walking with him in his garden and STUN
bled into pit full Of water. NO matter
said the friend, blowing,.the water and mud
from his mouth, I've found it,
A young lady, going into barrek- room
at Fort George, saw an officer toasting a
slice of bread on the point of his sword =
on which she exclaimed, think, sir, you i
have got the staff of life on the point of
DEATH
The following coroner's verdict was re. |
turned last week in Calhoun county, ILL.,
1--WE, the jury's find the diseased dead
man KUN to his dead in the hands of sum
anbcknown purson, with an unlauful iron