davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
Making Wills.

There are various ways of making a
will. Lord Clyde, the celebrated Eng
lish general, wrote his at his club on Il
sheet of note-paper in halfa dozen lines,
and it was duly proved. a certain hos
tier IN drtic,RO mortis, crawled to the
corn. chest, raised the lid, scrawled his
parting injunction on the wood with y
piece of chalk, got post-boy and sta
ble-man to witness his signature, ami
the box-lid, being taken off its hinge,
was accepted as valid instrument. An
eminent English queens counsel mad"
his last testament in these words: "Ev'
erything to my brother Tom )" and, be-
ing duly attested, the document was
found sufficient. On the other hand, il
was remarked of the great artist, Turn
er, that he could draw everything but q
will, since, wishing to leave five hun
drcd thousand dollars TO found an asy-
lum for decayed oilpainters, his inten-
tion was defeated owing to imperfec-
tions in the witnessing.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
About Marrying too Young.

Mrs. Eliza beth Cady Stanton says:
Girls do not reach their maturity until
twenty Ave, yet at sixteen they are
wives nd mothers all over the land,
robbed of all the rights and freedom of
childhood in marriage, crippled in
growth and development; the vital for
ces needed to build up vigorous and
healthy womanhood are sapped and
perverted from their legitimate chan
nels in the premature Office Of repro
duction. When the body is overtaxed,
the mind loses its tone and settles down
in gloomy discomfort that enfeebles
the whole moral being. The feeble
mother brings forth feeble sons, the sad
mother those with morbid appetites.
The constant demand of stimulants
among men is the result of the morbid
| conditions of their mothers. Healthy,
happy, vigorous womanhood would do
more for the cause of temperance than
any prohibitory or license laws possibly
can. When woman, by the observance
of the laws Of life and health is restored
to her normal condition, maternity will
not be period of weakness, but of ad-
ded power. With that high prepara-
tion Of body and soul to which 1 have
referred, men and women of sound
mind and body, drawn together by true
entiments Of affection, might calculate
with certainty on happy home, with
healthy children gathering round their
fireslde. To this end let girlhood be
sacredly devoted to education, to men.
tai, moral and physical growth, to as
high preparation for personal indepen.
dence and ambition as boyhood is to.
day; remember that girls, as well as
boys, were created primarily for Their
own enjoyment, and only secondarily
to serve each other. Reproduction in
the normal condition of woman will
not be period OF suffering, but Of JOY
and thanksgiving. One of the saddest
features of woman's present condition
is her idea that she is cursed of heaven
in her motherhood; that it is one of ma
ture's necessities that she should suffer
through the period of maternity. 1t II
because vs ignorantly violate so many
laws Of our being that ii is 50 to-day.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
''SOund on the Goose. ,,

A pious old negro woman was once
caught by her master stealing O goose /;
and the next Sunday she partook of the
communion, after which her master nc.
costed her as follows:
"Why, Hannah, saw you to day at
the communion tableW
ayes, tank de Lord, Inassa, was
lowed to be dere wild de rest OBJ his fami-
Iy."
"But, Hannah, was surprised to see
you there !" he said, "How is ii about
the goose?"
She looked little surprised, as if she
didn't comprehend the cause of his
wonder; but soon catching the meanius
exclaimed:
"Why, sar, do you tink Use soin' TO
let an old goose stand between Hac ani
my Makcr?"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

cheeks flushed as she proceeded, and
the result seemed very unsatisfactory,
for she went over IL twice.
Aunt Sarah noticed her perplexity.
"How much will you have left for
your kitchen furniture?"
"Three dollars and fifty cents !"
The old lady smiled.
"You will have enough to get a cou-
pie of tin plates and half a dozen knives
and forks"
"I don't understand it. l thought 1
had quite enough to furnish my house
comfortably"
Sand so you have, my dear; but in
your selection you have had your eye
more to show than to comfort. con-
cluded to let you have your own way,
but knew very well how it would ter
inmate, for you did not begin at the
right end"
81 don't Know what you mean, aunt"
"Why, you should have begun with
the kitchen, and thus have secured the
things you must have. Then, if there
is anything left for the parlor, it could
be easily got"
Kate looked aghast at the list OF ar
ticles handed her.
"Shall need all those things, aunt?"
eff you wish to do your work well
and economically, you cannot get along
with less. Never stint the kitchen and
make show in the parlor."
81 don't see that I shall have any
thing left for the parlor." said Kate,
after few minutes calculation of the
figures before her "the kitchen sitting
room and chambers will take the entire
amount"
"And supposing it should remain un.
furnished, at least for the PRESENT.
Those who come to sec you will not OBJ
ject to be received in your sitting-room
and those who come to see your furni
ture are not worth being received at
ALL"
but then it will look 80 odd so diff
erent from what other people do. Mrs
Weston has her parlor very nicely fur
nished."
Mrs. Weston was an old schoolmatt
who had married few weeks before.
"Yes, and / happen to know how il
was paid for-Mr. Weston mortgaged
his house; 1 presume your husband can
do the same."
Kate's natural good sense recoiled al
this suggestion. ~ would rather never
have any parlor," she exclaimed.
perhaps we can do with less sitting
room furniture" she suggested, as sh'
ran her eye over the list of articles.
81 suppose that the sitting room will
be the place where you will spend you
evenings and most of your spare timer
"Yes."
"Then take the advice Of an old mar
ried woman, my dear, and make tn
room in which your husband spends hi
evening the plea santest room in tn
house."
Kate followed Aunt Sarah's advic
and never has had reason to regret it.
Five years later, Mr.. Weston's mort
gagged house was sold under the hamme
and all his fine furniture with it.
Kate has now very prettily furnish
ed parlor, and enjoys it none the les
that none of its adornments have beel
purchased at the expense Of the happi
ness of home and the comforts of life.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
How they Pull Teeth In Elk Co.

Our handsome friend Blakely, of the
st. Mary's Gazette, has had real old
fashioned tooth ache, and in fit of des-
peration rushed to dentist to have it
pulled. The opration is thus described
We had the toothache last week. Not
one Of the good old jumping kind, but
a regular grumbler a kind of dyspep-
tic toothache. We tried all the RENE
dies which the ingenuity of man ever
devised. We rammed red hot pokers
into it; took two quarts of laudanum,
ten pints of creosote and two pounds of
mustard plasters, and wrapped them
around the offending dental irritator.
We swabbed it out with Davis Pain
Killer, and poured into it five bottles of
soothing syrup, and a bushel of Nc
Grath's Electric Oil. Thompson's Pain
Killer found II purchaser in us, and Mrs.
Winslow's Soothing Syrup formed a
part of our culinary department.; but
that toothache stayed and stayed, and
we wanted to swear and keep at it, AT
| ter hi ring railroader to drill hole il
our molar, and blast it out with a keg
of Nytro Glycerine, Powder and Gun
cotton, without any relief, we went to
the dentist. He was at home, and we
were sorry. We took seat and held
on to the chair with all the agony OF
despair: First the dentist chopped
round the molar with broad axe, then
| ba ipsarfaJ N nrnu, har anI rantIx, pri od
away quarter section of our lower
jaw. Then he filled the cavity Will
benzine, and started it burning; then
to allay irritation he rubb ed it off will
sand and emery paper. Then he go
a windlass and log chain; then HI
fired revolver through the tooth, ant
hooked the chain through the hole, theI
he nailed us to the wall, and hung {
grindstone to each arm, and millston
to our feet, so that we couldn't kicl
very much, then he commenced to turl
the windlass, while the choir sang, "sin
ners why will ye die" varied By
"Down the Toby and up the Clarion,
and finally, after much tribulation, tn
chain broke, and the tooth didn't com,
out. And SO the dentist gave.it up n
bad job, and sent us bill for the us
of his instruments, damages done {,
his log chain, and the choral services
And the tooth still keeps on aching
And II our readsrs think our eXperienc
as a toothist isn't worth recording il
the Gazette, just let them try to run
paper in Elk county when there is n
news and see what they would do whe
the devil is bowling for copy and ther
is nothing for him.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

4 POWERFUL INSECT. The tendeu-
cy ofsoldiers to grotesque exsggeratioD
is well illustrated by the remark of one
of them concerning that greatest pest
of the camp which the dictionaries de-
nominate "small insect of the: genus
pediculas." 1 presume every army In
history has been annoyed by this ato-
nv, but l think none suffered from II
and at the same time made it the sub
ject of habitual jest before the armies Of
our war. AS in the case of every other
source OF vexation, the men grumblcd
at it, philosophical over it and laughed
at it,
II could bear the MtIe fellows, and
say nothing about them," I heard a
dry joker in blue say to hisacomrades
at reveille roll-call one morning: "but
such monsters as there are in this camp
Why, woke up last night and saw
one of these creeters.sitting at the foot
of my bunk. He had his back TO me-
and there was a great U. s. A. on III
but when he turned round-great Scott
what dye think he was doing ?"
"Eating hard,tack," suggested one
with wink.
smoking your pipe" put in anolh
er.
"No he wasn't, ne was picking hi
teeth with my bgonet"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
The Dutchman's Insurance.

A story is told of German who had
taken the precaution to insure the life
of his wife for $1,000, and his stable for
5000, believing the former might die
and the latter be burnt, and he could
not get along without some compensa =
tion for the loss. Both policies had been
taken from the same agent. In few
months after the stable had been insured
it was destroyed by fire. Mr.. Shmidt
quietly notified the agent, and hinted
to him that he would expect the 5000 at
the earliest possible moment. The
| agent at once sent a carpenter to ascer-
tain the cost Of erecting new stable Of
the same dimensions, having ascertain
ed that the property had been insured
for more than it was worth. The bull
der reported that he could replace the
stable with lew material for $500, but
unfortunately there was an ordinance
preventing the erection Of frame build
ings-the old stable having been of
cost of brick stable, and reported the
amount at $3.50. The agent then noti-
fed Shmidt that he would build him q
new brick stable in place of the old
frame one, but Schmidt became very
indignant at the proposition, saying:
| 81 do not understand this insurance
business. pay you for nine hundred
dollars, and when my stable burn down
you make me new one. 1 not want a
new shtable. want nine hundred dol
lars"
| The agent reasoned with Shmidt, but
all to no purpose When the stable was
about finished, Shmidt went to consult
a lawyer, thinking that he could still
get the amount of the policy, besides
having the new stable. The lawyer
however, informed him that the com
pany had right to make good the loss
by building new stable, and express
sed surprise at the idea of bringing suit
against them.
"But," said Schmidt, 81 insure for
nine hundred dollar, and dis fellar put
up dem shtable for seven hundred and
fifty do not understand tho insur
ance business"
Finding he could not compel the pay.
ment by law, he became disgusted with
the insurance business altogether. Call
ing upon the agent Shmidt said:
"Mr. Agent, want you to shtoI
dem insurance on mine frow. do no
pay any more monish dat way. / no
understand this insurance business"
Agent surprised "Why, Mr.
Shmidt, you are doing very foolisf
thing. You have paid considerable OF
this policy already, and if your wifi
should die you will get $1,000"
"Yaw, dat is what you tell me now,'
said Shmidt; "Ven pays you on my
shtable you say get nine hundred dol
lar if it burns down. So it was burnt
and you not give me mine monisf
Z; You say, %, dat was an old frame shts
BILE, ish not word anydings; max
you brick shtable,' and you no pa.
me my nine hundred dollar. Ven m,
frow dies, den you say to me, 20, sh
wash an old dutch woman; she no
word anydings; / get you new Eng
lish wife = And SO / lose mine fiv
thousand dollars. You not fool Shmid
again. not understand dis insuranc
business"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
The Boys who want 10 be Clerks.

Many of our youth are afflicted with
the infatua ton that city clerkships are
the most eligib BILE positions, while the
trades are not "respectable." Let them
learn that intelligent mechanics have
better chance Of securing wealth, emf
nence, and influence than the over
crowded clerk ships can afford. The
present and last Governor Of Connecti-
cut, each, in his boyhood, learned
trade, and thus became thorough mas
ter of the business in all its details, in
which each has achieved a brilliant sue
cess. The most extensive manufacturer
of silverware in the world, John Cor
ham, of Providence, declined the posi-
tion of clerk in the counting-room,t that
he might master the trade in his faith
er's shop as regular apprentice, where
he learned thoroughly how to do with
his hands all that he has since had to
direct others in doing. A multitude OF
similar facts might be cited to show
that the mastery of trade is one of the
best preparations for a practical life and
prosperity in business. Clerks are Of
ten paid less than skillful mechanics,
and are less independent. In their pre-
carious positions they are liable to dis
appointments and humiliating strug-
giles with the thousands Of others look
ing for place. Every advertisement
for clerk brings a whole swarm Of
applicants. How pitiable the condition
of this superabundance of book-keep-
ers and exchangers wasting their lives
in "waiting for place." while our fac
tories, railroads and trades are clamor-
ing for educated superintendent, fore
men, engineers, skillful managers and
cunning workmen. The position OF
the educated and we'll trained mechanic
is far preferable to that of the average
city clerk. The latter may dress bet
ter, talk more glibly, bow more grace
fully, not to say obsequiously, but they
compare unfavarably with our best me.
chanics in manly independence, vigoi
Of thought and strength of character.
Too many of our young men leave
the homestead on adventures less safe
and reliable than the arts of industry
A good trade is more honorable and
remunerative than peddling maps
books, pictures, patent rights and clothes
wringers, or in city store, to be casf
or errand boy, store sweeper, fire kind
Ter and counter-jumper generally
Without in any way disparaging thu
useful position of the clerk, our younl
men may properly be cautioned agains
further crowding this already "plethor
ic profession" To boys in the coun
try, we say, instead Of aspiring to al
uncertain and precarious clerkship
stick TO the farm, or learn a trade, an,
you will lay the ebroadest foundation 70
prosperity. Those who have well i'm
} proved the opportunities nov offered il
, our free schools can we'll aHord to ap
prentice themselves al sixteen years o
, age, supplemsntiDs their education b!
, evening schools, or by sslftraining il
/ their evenings and leisure hours.-G. B
Erthrttp, h, Hearth dNd Home.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
Ghoite poGtrp.
Fashions Soliloquy.

Fashlon's Soliloquy.
l am Monarch Of all survey,
My realm is unlimited. vast,
am the king and idol too
or men of every caste.
tyrranize DER woman and man,
bind them with iron chains
Which pierces deeply into the quick,
And often leaves deeper stains
l make them slave most merclessy,
10 maintain me every hour;
They are my dupes, and not one Of them
Dares to think of staying my power.
They often groan beneath their load,
But what care for their pain?
They'll only work the harder
And rivet the stronger my chain.
l am absolute Monarch OF the whole world,
TO me all nobility yield,
have all in my retlnue
And my sceptre freely WELD.
tyrranize DER each Prince of the land,
Over rich and poor the same,
And they tell me too, poor humble slaves,
That am not to blame.
Does even Jehovah the Great
Hold such unlimited sway,
Kings, Princes Ministers, all,
My rules strive to obey,
have conquered all and they love me toe
And will love me till they die.
am content, for am sure
None were ever so great as 1. LII
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
Couldn't Spell II.


passing through one of the thorough.
fares, his attention was arrested by
some specimens of writing paper, ex-
posed for sale at shop window. See-
ing the proprietor of the establishment
standing at the door, the Yankee civil
ly inquired of him what he did with
them nice bits of paper?'
"We keep them to tie up cape seed
in" said the cockney snappishly.
"Oh, ye du-du YEP" said Jonathan.
Passing down the street few steps,
our indignant Yankee saw another
merchant.
81 say, mister, can you tell me what
that feller does for livin' what keeps
them ere nice bits of paper at the win
der ?"
"Yes, sir he is small dealer in pa
per, and sort of SCRIBE He writes
letters for persons"
~ reckon he is a very small dealer
| and that he is phdrisee as we'll as q
scribe. Do you think he will write q
letter for me if I pay him for it?"
"Certainly he WILL"
The Yankee thrust his hands into his
pockets almost up to his elbows, and
| walked back.
81 say, mister, they say as how you
sell paper and write letters for folks
what can't write. What will we AK to
write letter to my sister Sally?"
| ct ohaII n no rna x,n,, ax,a oh;Ilipno
"Will we write just what I tell we,
and spell the words right as we do in
| Vermont ?"
"To be sure 1 will"
swell, guess you may write tc
Sally"
The Londoner procured pen, ink
and paper, and the Yankee commenced
debating after the following style;
"Dear sister Sally"
"Rived in London last week."
"Have ye got that DOWN."
"Yes-go on"
"Thought Ide go into the country
aud take ride"
"Well, the old mare baulked."
"She wouldn't go, 80 licked her."
swell, 60 on.p
clicked her--licked her-licked her. ,
"Well, go on"
clicked her-licked her--licked he
licked her."
"What is the use of saying that s,
many times ?"
"None of your business. L pay yol
five shillings-lIcked-licked her-lick
ed her."
"This page is full of licked hers"
"Turn over then licked her, licket
her, licked her, licked her, licked her
She wouldn't 60 then, so got out ant
kicked her, kicked her, kicked her."
"You are not intending to say that q
many times as you said licked her."
"None of your business, pay you
kicked her, kicked her, kicked hel
She wouldn't 60 then, so sharpene
the end of the whip handle, and
pricked her, pricked her, pricked hel
pricked her."
81 cannot see any sense in all this"
"Never mind, pay you; licked hel
kicked her, pricked her, licked hei
kicked her, pricked her, licked hel
kicked her, pricked her. She wouldn'
go then, so got out and I"-(here tn
Yankee made chirruping uoise wit
his tongue and lips which bids defianc
to photography
Il cannot spell that"
so, We can't spell that, ha? Wal, y
needn't write any more for me-"
"Need not write any MORE"
"No MORE" said the Yankee
"Not word to close with?"
mary word"
"You will pay me for what hav
written ?"
"Not red. You did not write dow
all told you to-"
"Well, sir, what am I to do with a
this paper l have spoiled ?"
"Reep it TO tie up cape seed in."
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

Executors or Administrators Notice, $500,
Auditors or'Assignee's Notice, $500.
Local notices, twenty cents line; by the yeai
ten cents.
Cards In the Business Directory" column, ,ssto
per year for the first two lines and slOO for each
| additional line.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

Two we'll dressed shoemakers being
in the company of some gentlemen, who
asked their profession, says one OF
them:
~ practice the heeL-ing art"
Sand l." says the other, "labor fol-
the good of nien's soles!"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

SYDNEY SMITH says, referring to the
unnecessary consumption Of 0pdt sac
cording to my consnnpsua l havs eat
on and drunk between nay ts=th and
seventeenth year, forty four wagon
loads more than was good for me-"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

A MODEST DUE.-A tailor presented
his account to n gentleman for settle
ment. "PN loos orer your bill," said
the gentleman. "Very good" said the
tailor, "but Inay don't operioo6 it,"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16

PHHBs CARY's conundrum; Why
vas Robinson Crusos's man Friday
like rooster? Because he scratched for
himself and crew 80 lCrusoe)l
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
RATES OF ADVERTISING.

One square, (ten lines orits eduivalenti in Non'
parell type) one or two insertions, $3.50; three
Insertions, $500.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
Stoves and Tinware.
NEW STOVE AND TIN SHOP.
AIAH IIAGENBUCH

ISAIAH IAGENBUCH,
Main Street one door above Il. Mendenhall's
store.
A large assortment of Stoves, Heaters and
Ranges constantly on hand, and for sale at the
lowest rates.
Thinning in all its branches carefully attended to-
and satisfaction guaranteed.
Tin work of all kinds wholesale and retail. A
ial is requested.
Apr.9.69.tf
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
.HE ESPY HOTEL.
MONIOUR HOUSE
Nl RUPERT, PA.

WILLIAM Buil+Eh, PROPRIETOR,
THIS House having been put in thorough repair
is now open for the reception of guests. No
pains will be spared to ensure the perfect COM
fort of the travellers. TIE Proprietor sollcits
stocked at all times with fne liquors and cigars.
marll'7U-tf
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-09-16
BLOOMSBURG PA, FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 49, 1870.
Philadelphia Directory.

Philadelphia Directory.
EAGLE HOTEL.
22s NORTH THIRD STREET,
R.D. CUMMINGS, PROPRIETOR.
EsTABLIsHED 1898.
JORDAN g. BROTHER,
Wholesale Grocers and Dealers in
sALTPETRE AND BR1MsToNE.
No 2I9 North Third st.
Philadelphia.
C. H. HORNE. ws. KING. J.B. sEYpERr.
HORNE, KING & SEYBERT,
WHOLESALE DRY GOODS.
No. 42l Market Street
PHILADELPHIA.
Orders filled promptly at lowest prices.
January g. 1885,
I'll. W. RANKS
WHOLESALE TOBACCO, SNUFF, AND
CIGAR WAREHOUSE,
No. liO North Third Street,
Between Cherry and Race, west side.
Philadelphia.
ERANk & STRETCH,
Successors to /. II. WalterJ
Importers and Dealers in
QUEENsWARE, CHINA, AND GLASS,
No. 29i n. Third Street,
Between Race and Vine SITS.
PHILADELPHIA.
s. FRANK, / co,upor,,or.
l. H. WALTER. Special Partner.
T NJ. KEPIEART,
~ WITH
BARNES, BRO. & HERRON,
HATS, CAPS, STRAW GOODS 4 FURS,
No. 503 Market Street,
(Above TifhJ
PHILADELPHIA.
John STROUP q CO.,
Successors to Stroup & Brother,
WHOLESALE DEALERS IN FISH.
No. "a North Wharves algd % North Third st
Philadelphia.
ID RICHARDSON L. WRIGHT, JR.
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
NO. lbs SOUTH SIXTH STREET,
PHoLADELPuI
oct. %, 2,'69-ly
WILLIAM FISHER
WITH
| THOMAS CARSON * G..
WHOLESALE
DEALERS IN HOSIERY,
MEMS FURNISHING GOODS,
LINENS & NOTIONS
| NO. Is NORTH FOURTH STREET
Philadelphia.
June 4,'G9-6m
| WY AJNWpIGJJT O. CO