Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-04-29

man face 10 say, and talk with him, and
touch him with bis hands, that he could
hardly refrain from embracing me-in fact,
would esteem il great favor if would let
him embrace me.
This SO pleased me that did not try to
resist, but allowed this simple hearted
stranger 10 throw his arms about me and
weep few tranquilizing tears down the
back of my neck. Then be went his way.
As soon as he was gone, opened his
advertisement. / studied it attentively for
four minutes then called up to the cook
and said
Hold me while faint Let Maria turn
/ the batter cakes.
Bye and bye, when | came to, sent down
TO the rum mill on the corner aud hired an
artist by the week to sit up nights and curse
that stranger, and give me lift occasional
y in the day time when came to hard
! place.
Alb, what miscreant he was His "ad-
vertisement" was nothing in the world but
wicked tax return-a string of imperti-
nent questions about my private affairs oc-
cupying the best part of four foolscap pages
Of fine print-questions. may remark, got
ten up with such ingenuity that the Oldest
man in the world couldn't understand what
the most of them were driving at-ques-
tons, too, that were calculated to make
man report about four times his actual In
come to keep from swearing to lie. l
looked for a loophole, but there did not ap-
pear to be any Inquiry No. covered my
case, as generously and az amply as an um-
brella could cover an ant hill
What we're your profits, ia 1869, from
any trade, business or vocation, wherever
carried on 2"
And that inquiry was backed up by thir-
teen others of an equally searching nature,
the most modest Of which required iniorpa-
ton as to whether had committed any
burglary, or highway robbery, or by any
arson or other secret source of emolumeue,
had acquired property which was not emu
merated in my statement of income as set
opposite to inquiry No. l.
Il was plain that that stranger had en-
abled me to make an ass Of myself 1t was
very plain, and went out and hired another
artist. BY working on my vanity the
stranger had seduced me into declaring an
income Of S2I4,000 BY law, $1,000 of this
was exempt from income tax--the only re-
lief l could see, and it was only drop in
the ocean. At the legal five per cent, /
must pay over to the government the ap-
palling sum Of ten thousand six hundred
and fifty dollars, income tax.
may remark, in this place, that l did
not do it.
am acquainted with very opulent man
whose house is palace, whose table is re-
| gal, whose outlays are enormous, yet man
who has no income, as 1 have often noticed,
/ by the revenue returns; and to him went
/ for advice, in my distress. He took my
dreadful exhibition of receipts, he put on
his glasses, he took his pen, and presto!-I
was pauper! 1t was the neatest thing that
ever was. He did it simply by deity
manipulating the bill of DEDUCTIONS. -
He set down my State. national and
municipal taxes" at so much; my losses by
| shipwreck, FIRE, etc" at so much; my
losses on sales of real estate"-on live
stock sold d'-on payments for rent Of
homestead ON repairs, improvements,
interest on previously taxed salary as
an officer of the United States army, navy,
revenue service, and other things. He got
astonishing deductions" out of each and
every one of these matters-each and every
one of them And when he was done he
handed me the paper, and saw at glance
that during the year 1869 my income, in the
way of profits. had been one thousand hoo
Hundred and fifty dollars and forty cents
Now" said he, "the thousand dollars
is exempt By law What you want to do is
to go and swear this document in and pay
tax on the two hundred and fifty dollars "
/ While be was making this speech hi:
little boy Willie lifted two dollar greenbaek
out Of his vest pocket aud vanquished with
it, and | would bet anything that if my
stranger were to call on that little boy to.
morrow he would make false return of biz
income
DO you, said [, do you always work
up the deductions" after this fashion il
! your own case, sir?
Well / should say so! If it warnt fol
those eleven saving clauses under the heac
of Deductions I should be beggarel
every year to support this hateful aud wick
ed, this extortionate and tyrannical gov
ernment.
This gentleman stands away up among
the very best of the solid men of Buffalo
the men of moral weight, of commercial in
tegrity, of unimpeachable social spotlessnes
and so | bowed to his example. | wen
down to the revenue Office, and under th
accusing eyes of my old visitor stood vi
|, and swore to lie after lie, fraud after fraud
, villainy after villainy, till my immortal sou
was coated inches and inches thick witt
perjury and my self respect was gone for
ever and ever.
But what oft? Il is nothing more thai
thousands of the highest, and richest, an
proudest, and most respected, honored an
courted men in America do every year
And so [ don't care am not ashamed
shall simply, for the present, talk little an
wear ine-proof gloves, lest fall into Ger
tain habits irrevocably.
MARK TWAIN
; FEMALE BEAUTY The man who doe
not admire beauty in woman is not properl
constituted His heart cannot be in th
! right place For ourselves, We often tim
our walks so as to meet the troops of youn
/. girls on their way to or from school. Th
sight of them does US good. The clear con
e pIexions, bright eyes, red lips, indicai
a health and happiness. No cosmetics Their
> They have not vet arrived at that stag