The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1870-06-08
the josh Biliings Papers-Two

S'''ts -, ~ ! Letters. Z! - ...'s'' .
Bron,bEe /: It is very easy tew write about
tho inherent Joys ev our schoolsDoy DAYS.
More than 700 composishuns have bin com
pozed describing this memorable occasion:
Yure glowing account OF those eot9,eIn u
hours that laffiing fled on silver tlptoes ID
very slick indeed, and goes 10 sno" tha' sa
But let me ask w, Bill Bramble, !" Did
wi really kno it at the time 7" Didn't .yu
aktually think in them daze, with even the
big chance yu had, that being an ,1.nocent
scbool-b0y Waz about the meanest4 Dizziness
that ennyboddy kould foller? .l.t
IF emmy boldly would give yu 80 dollars,
would WI go back and start the lmocehe
school-boy trade over agln' on tne same n1o ola
kapital? MOI cnn! SchoOt-
bov innocence for me, Mr.. William Bran
BILE, If yu pleaze, -barefooted-a thlStic III
each big toe and a stun bruce on each neci,
and n rye.straW hat without emmy handle 10
it,: fried pork for breakfast, and cold
chunks of billed iniun meal and milk for sup
per; hard work from sun-up till shutdown,
and three times week for variety al apple
tree sprout licking in the korn crib; three
months each winter of DabalPs arithmetic
for edukashun, and working odd spells Tor
some skinfint of nabor at eighteen cents 9
day tcw get spending money-ior the next
4th of July. e'a!Ert< 5s...Z:t !
This il the kind ov JOY that meny a
.school-boy remembers and looks back upon,
over hiz shoulder, with the ming led plez-
.Zurc and remorse that prisoner feeis VINO
haz reached the heights and sees the 1n'ao-
cent old Jail in the valley. 1t requires a
good deal oy native genius tew work this
kind -ov- y4a,g innocence up into decent
! BERKSHIRE: Who 1t waz that invented
alcohol am unable tew tell without Icing,
hut it would have bin fulst-klaSs blessing
Tor the rest ov us if he and the lickor had
both ov them been split on the ground ana
niver bin sopped UP since.
! The Devil himself, with all hil genius for
q ten-strike, could not have rolled Dali
more seryiceable for hiZ biZZness on earth
one more certain tew quarter on the head
pin and sweep the alley eYry time. Rum liz
the devils stool-pigeon, hiz right bower,
hiz high, low, jack, and the game.
J A CRATE menny, with dispeptik morals,
argy that lickor is Indispensable for manu-
E,ktring and doktor purposes, and also for
mechanical uses, and they hold that yu
kouldn't raize q barn that would stand
without emmy good old Jamaica rum, and
sum say that pudding-sas, without emmy
speerets in it, IL no healthier than common
goose grease.
But anvil of theze argys are furnished free
oy cost by the Devil himself, and emmy man
who advances, them liz telling (without
knowing it perhaps) lies that will weigh, ut
q ruff estimate, ut least pound piece.
But mi objeckt in theze fu prcliminus re-
marks liz tew git good chance to tell what
know about Jersey lightning" Zone ov
alcohoPs imps) az a manufacturing and meta
physical agent.
Jersey lightning il cider brandy, three
hours old, still-bOrn, and quicker than a
flash. This juice liz drunk raw by all the
old sports, and makes prcmonltory and
Kissing noize az it winds down the thrut,
like an old she goose setting on eggs, or \
hot iron stuck into icc-water. Three horns
rior In six months SO that he kan swallow Il
live, six-footed krab, feet fust, and not
waste wink.
1t don't fat man (cider brandy don't
like whiskee duZ, but Fuckers him up like
fried potatoze. If q man kan survive the
ftlst three years ov Jersey tightening he liz
safe then for the next seventy-tive years tew
cum, and keeps looking every day more
like threc-ycar old red-pepper pod, hotter
and hotter. An old cider-brandy drinker
will steam in sudden shower oY rain like
pile ov stable manure, and hiz broth
smells like the bung-hole ov d rum cask
latclS Clllplleus &c..
When Jersey lightning IL fust born it
tastes like bileing turpcntine and caycne,
half-and-half, and will raise blood-blister
Oh a pair ov old kow-hide broglns in Is
minuitts, and applied externally will kure
the rumatiSm, or kill the patient, forget
which. The fust horn man takes ov this
lickor will make him think he has swallow
ed sas-light, and he will go out behind
the barn and try tew die, but kant. The
eyes oy an old cider-brandist looks like deep
gashcs kut into q ripe tomato, his noze IL
the komplexshu11 oy q half-biled lobster,
and the grizzle in his gullet sticks out like
an elbO in tin leader. .,a>
The more villainous the drink the more
invetcrate are those who drink It.. I kant
tell yer whether cider-brandee Will shorten
an old suckers days or not, for they gene,
rally outlive all the rest ov the MAJORS, and
die lust rs soon rs the old tayerfl-stana
changes hands and liz opened on temper
anse principles. One bottle oy sassaparliia
or ginger pop liz az fatal teW tbeze ola TEL
iers as a rifle ball liz teW q bed.bugg.
I would do almoste ennything but muir"
der tew save yung man from, Jersey light
ming. but trieing tew save an old one IL like
trieIng tew put The fire out ov holier log !;
On MIGHT az well let it burn up, for the
ashes. IL worth more than che logg.