Gallipolis journal. [volume] (Gallipolis, Ohio) 1837-1919, 1870-05-05
JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.
Tight Boots.

| would jist like teW kno who the
man waz who fust invented tits boots.
he must hay bin a narrow and kon-
trakted kuss.
If he still lives, l hope he haz re-
pented oy hiz sin. or il enjoying CRATE
agony oy sum kind.
l hav bin in CRATE menny tite spots
in mi life, but generally could manage
to make them average; but there IL no
sich thing az making a pair OF tite
boots average.
Yu kant git an average on the pinch
ov lite boot, emmy more thsn yu kan
on the bite ov a lobster.
Emmy man who kan wear pair ov
tite boots, and be humble, and penitent,
and not indulge in profane literature,
will make good husband.
He viii do more than that, he viii
do to divide up into several fust klass
husbands, and be made to answer for
whole naborhood.
Oh! for the pen oy departed VIM.
Shaksspear, TO write an anethems
against tite boots, that would make
anshunt Rome wake up. and howl agin
as she did once before on 8 previous
ockashun.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to
tare into shu strings all the tite boots
ov creashun, aud skater them tew the
winds of heaven
OH for the buty of Venus, tew
make bigg foot look handsome with
out tite boot on it.
Oh! for the payshunce of Job, the
Apostle, to nuss tite boot and bles it,
and even pra for one size smaller and
more pinchful.
Oh! for pair of boots bigg enuff
for the foot of mountain.
hav bin led into the above assort
ment ov "Oh's" from having in mi pos
seshun, at this moment, pair of num-
Der nine boots, with pair oy number
eleven feet in them. a
Mi feet are az uneazy az a dogs
nose the fust time he wears muZzle.
1 think mi feet will eventually choke
the boots to deth.
l liv in hopes they will.
l suppozed had lived long enuff
not TO be phooled agin in this way,
but hav found that an ounce ov van
ity weighs more than pound of rea-
zen, espeshily when q man mistakes
bigg foot for small one
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you
would the grip ov the devil; for many
a man haz caught for life fust rate
habit for swearing, by encouraging his
feet to hurt hiz boots.
I l hav promised mi two feet, at least
dozen of times during mi oheckured
life, that they never should be strangled
agin, but l find them to-day az full ov
pain az the stummuk axe from sud
din attak Of tite boots.
But this IL solemnly the last pair ov
tite boots will ever wear; i will here
after wear boots az big az mi feet, if
hav to go barefoot to do it.
1 am too old and too respectable to
be fool emmy more.
Eazy boots IL one ov the Injuries ov
life, but forgit what the other luxury
IL, but / don't kno az care, provided
i kan git rid ov this pair of tite boots.
Emmy man kan hav them for seven
dollars, Just half VIII at they kost, and
if they don't make his feet axe wuss
than an angle worm in hot ashes, he
needn't pay for them.
Methuseles IL the only man that ]
kan kali to mind now who could hav af-
ferded TO hay wore lite boots, and en-
joyed them; he had CRATE deal Of
waste time tew be miserable in, but life
now days IL too short, and too full ov
aktual Dizziness to phool away emmy ov
it on tits boots.
Tite boots are an insult to emmy
mans understanding.
He who wears tite boots will hav
tew acknowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowels or mersy,
their insides are wrath, and prOmis-
kious cussing.
Beware ov tite boots.
". Y Weekly.