Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-05-19
Humorous Readings.

lHe pachWdrQ spring Gan Ue PIo-
duced by presenting red hot poker to
mans nose.
Every sorrow has its twin Joy the
fun of scratching always pays for having
the itch.
Why is dog with broken leg like
boy at arithmetic? Because he puts
down three and carries one.
One of the wedding gifts of Mark
Twain's bride was a furnished house.
This is not the first time Twain has
/" brought down the house"
If you want to know what friend
thinks of you, roll him up little if that
fails try to borrow some money of him.
A sentimental youth says he prefers
hanging on the neck to hanging by the
neck, but that both are dangerous.
How long does widow mourn for
her husband Till she mourns for a sec
ond #e IS a
Ladies are natural sculptresses.-
Many of them get up busts of their hus-
bands easily.
The followers of the great English
reformer are like the waters of dam
they belong to the Mill-raee.
If " beauty draws by a single hair"
how irresistible some of the women must
be who wear bushel-basketful.
81 am lonelyto-night, love, without
you" as the young pswnbroker said when
his wife went out one busy Saturday
night.
A man of inquiriug mind wants to
know if modern whiskey has ever been
seen coming through the rye
Sound theology-A naughty boy was
told by his mother that God would not
| forgive him. 80 Yes he will" " Why do
you think be will ?" abe asked. "'Cause
that's what he's for"
A man with four wives wes brought
before Hans Swarth4rt, u Mohawk justice.
for commitment on the charge of bigamy.
Four vifes dat vass most hinoclous
| crimes Dissharch him at vonst."
"Why ?" protested the prosecutor " Why
discharge him when the proof is positive !?
Will the court explain 2" Eyes, eek
sphlains. Off he lifts nit four vifes, he
got punishment enough. / lif nit Won,
and got too much punishment already"
An Iowa paper heads its births, mar
riages and deaths, " Matched" matched, "
Dispatched"
Denver City is described by recent
visitor as the most substantial city west
of the Mississippi. 1t has population of
seven thousand, two daily and three
weekly papers. The grand old Rocky
Mountains loom up in the distance, in
fact, appear only five miles off $50 clear IS
the atmospheric when in reality they are
fully sixty miles. Covered with eternal
snow they present a scene truly enchant-
ing.
"A Cincinnati physician, who has in
vestigated a sudden death in that city,
has made a long report in which he says :
at ia evident think, that Mr.. w. had a
phlegmonous inflammation of the fauoes,
which involved the tonsils the areolar
tissue, the soft palate, the epiglottis, and
the superior vocal cords An 9dematus
state of the arytenepiglottidean folds en-
sued, constituting that condition known
as CedenaG Of the gtOitis. The moe of death
was by dpn8a, considerable increase in
the effusion suddenly taking place while
he was asleep.
1T is good thing to have a cat in the
house. Mrs Sexton of Portsmouth, n.
H, doubted the honorable intentions OF
her husband, who thought that some
milk punch was good for what allied her,
and she gave some of the milk to a cat.
Pussy passed in her chips in 10 minutes,
and Mr.. Sexton was arrested for trying TO
divorce himself.
Josh Billings says " Before would
preach the Gospel az some ministers are
obliged to, for $50 dolls year, I would
get living as Nebudkennezzer did, and
let the congregashen go tew grass, too"
-" Doctor" said lady, &" I want you
to prescribe for me-" There is nothing
the matter, madam" said the doctor, after
feeling her pulse "you only need rest. "
Now, Doctor, just look at my tongue.
she Persisted. "Just look at it--just look
at 1t Now, say, what does that need p
I" think that needs rest, too" replied the
doctor.
A clergyman in Pennsylvania has re-
fused to buy Mark Twain's book, and is,
in fact, Disguised with it. Why said
he to the agent, " the man who could
weep at the tomb of Adam must be aa