The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1870-11-17

BIT JOSH BILLINGS.

/ lOl lhO hhS dlllbs LuC tIilc't VI
treat, and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts oy ways,
some on the Europeln plan, aud menny
Ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord il like good step
mother, he knows hiz bizuess and
means to do hiz duty
! He knows how TO rub hz hands with
joy when the traveller. draws nigh, he
knows your wite's father when he waz
living and your wife's first husband,
but he dun't speak alb him.
He can tell whether it will rain tOmor-
row or not he hears yure complaints
with tear in hiz eye, he blows up the
servants at yure Suggestion, and stands
around reddy with shirt collar as stiff
az broken China.
A man may be a good supream court
Judge, and at the same time be Iniser-
able landlord.
Most everybody thinks he kan keep
a hotel land he kan), but this ackounts
for the great number oy hotels that are
kept on the same principle that jnsti+s
ov the peace offiss Is kept in country
during a six days jury trial for killing
sumbOddy's yello dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself and keep
the landlord too, aud ever kure a. trav-
eller from the habit OF prOfane swear.
ing.
have had this experiment tried on
me seyeril times, aud it alwus maiks me
swar wus.
1t IL too often the kase that landlords
90 into the business w hash as minis
ters 20 into the profession, with the
very best of motives, but the poorest
kind ofprospects.
Idon't know of any bizness more
flltterin than the tavern biznes. there
don't seem to be anything to do but
TO stand in front ov the register with a
pen behind the ear aud see that the
guests enter the house, then yank
bell rope eleving or eight times, and
then tell Jon to sho the gentleman go,
and then take four dollars and fifty
cents next morning from the poor dew
il of traveller and lei him rip
This seems to be the whole Thing (and
it is the whole thing) in m st cases.
Yuwill diskiver the follering deskrip-
shun, mild one, ov about 9 hotels out OF
10 between the Atlanlick and Pacifck
Oshuns akrost the United States in
strait line.
Yure room is 23 foot inches, by 8
foot inches. parallelogramly.
1t beng Court week (ez u-uaD all the
good rooms is employed by the lawyers
aud Judges.
You're room il on the uttermost
floor.
The carpet il ingrain-ingrained
with the dust. kerosine lie and ink spots
ov four generashuns.
There IL two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto one ov them broke
oph and the other pulled out and miss
ing.
The baro has three legs and one
brick.
The glass on the buro swings on two
pivots, which have lost their grip
Thare is one towel on the rack, thin,
hut wet. The rain water III the pitcher
cum out OF the well.
The soap is az tuff to wear az whEt-
stone.
The soap is scented with cinnamon
lie, and varigated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, cane seeters,
one IL a rocker and all three is busted.
Thare IL a match box, empty.
Thare il no kurlin to the window,
and thare don't want to be any, you
kant see out, and who can see in
The bell rope iz cum oph about six
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed il modern slat bottom, with
two mattresses, one cotton and one husk
both harder, and about az thick as sea
biskit
Yu enter the bed side ways and kan
feel every slat at once, az easy az you
could the ribs of grid iron.
The bed iz inhabited.
Yu sleep some but roll over good
deal.
! For breakfast "a have gong, and