The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1870-10-06
JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.

HOTELS.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes TO
the warrants, the married mans retreat
and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, SUI
on the I uropean plan, and menny ov then
on no plan at all.
A good landlord is like a good stepmo
ther, he knows hiz bizness and means t.
do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub biz hands with JOY
when the traveller draws nigh, he know
how to smile, he knows yure wife,s fathel
when he waz living, and your wife's frs
husband, but he don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain tomorrow
or not he hears yure complaints with
tear in his eye !; he blows up the servant
at yure suggestion, and stands around
reddy with q shi~rt-collar as stiff as broker
china.
A man may be a good supream cou
judge, and at the same time be a miserable
landlord. -
Most everybody thinks he kan keep a hote
land they kan), but this ackounts for tht
great number ov hotels that are kept on
the same principle that a justiss ov the
peace ofiss liz kept in a country during
six days jury trial for killing sumboddy's
yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the
landlord too, and ever kure a traveller rom
the habit of profane swearing.
I hay had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me swear
wuss.
It IL too often the kase that landlords go
into the Dizziness ov hash as ministers 60
into the profeSshun, with the very best oV
motives, but the poorest kind Of prospects.
| don't know ov any Dizziness more Hat
tersum than the tavern buiZziness, there
don't seem to be anything to do but to
stand In front Of the register with a pen be-
hind the ear and see that the guests enter
the house, then yank q bell-rope six OF
seven times, and then tell John to sho the
gentleman to 978, and then take four dollars
and fifty cents next morning from the poor
devil oy a traveller and let him went. g
This seems to be the whole thing land il
IL the whole thing) in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskrip-
shun, q mild one, ov about 8 hotels out ov
10 between the Atlantick and PaeitcB
Oshuns akrost the United States in {
straight line :
Yure room is Is foot I inches by 8 foot
inches, parallelogramly.
It being court week (eZ usuaD all the
good rooms are employed bi the lawyers
and judges.
1ure room IL on the uCtecm0St H00r.
The carpet liz ingrain-ingraincd Will
the dust, kerosene lie, and ink-spots of fom
generashuns.
Thare IL two pegs in the room few hitcl
coats onto-one ov them broke oph, and the
other pulled out and missing.
The buro has three legs and Il brick. !,
The glass to the buro swings on tWt
piyots, which have lost their grip.
Thare is one towel on the rack, thin, but
wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum
out ov the we'll.
The soap liz az TUT to wear az a whet
stone.
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie.
and varigated with spots.
Thare liz three chairs, cane-seeters, ont
IL q rocker, and all three is busted.
Thare liz q matchbox empty.
Thare liz no kurtin to the wIndoW, ant
thare don't want to be any ; w KANT SCI
out, and who kan see In.
The bell rope IL cum oph about six inche
this side oy the ceiling.
The bed IL s modern Stat bottom, W.T.
two mattresses, one cotton u q nush
and both harder and about az tnlck az
sea biskit.
You enter the bed sideways, and ka,
feel every slat at once as easy. az you coall
the ribs of q gridiron.,
luO D6u " 5Uu6E1cCas
You sleep sons, but roll over a good dea,
For breakfast you have a gong, and rh
coffee too kold to melt, butter !; fried pots
toes which resemble the chips that a two
inch augger makesin its journey thr0ug
Bread soiled; beef-stake about.as thick
a blister plaster, and az tough az hound
car.
Table covered with plate ; a few scared
to-death pickles on one oy them, ana 81
fy.endorsed crackers on the other.
A pewterinktum castor with three bottle
In it, one without any pepper in 1t, on
without any mustard. and one with tW
inches Of drowned flies andtsum yinega
In II.
Servant gal, with hoops ON, hangs aroun
ye earnestly, and wants to know ifyu wal
another cup ov coffee.
Yu say, emo nom, I thank yu,"' an
push back yure chair.
Yu hayn't eat enuff to pay for picktr
yure teeth.
I am about as self conseated az 1t viii
for q man TO be and not crack open, but
never yeteonsaited that j could keep ah
tel; had rather be a highweyman than
be SUM landlords fhaye visited with
ThaSe are hotels that are u Joy upon Il
earah, where's man pays his bill as chez
!, tuiiy 70 he did tia paFson who marie
him, WHARF yu kant findthe landlord mile
b yn hunt IN theIkitchen, . WHARF saryan
E11de around like angels ov mercy; wsa,
the beds dit . mans back like the feathe
ON 9 goose, and WHARF, the yitteis taste hi
az tho you're wife or you're mother had iii.
them.
Theze kind oY hotels ought tew be b
on wheels and travel around the countr,
they are inst NJ phulI oy real comfort az
Thanksgiving pudding, but alas yes, ain
they are az unplenty az double-y0ked egg
Al COMMUNICATION between Beonkiy
and Governors Island, N. ", is prohtLits