The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1870-01-20
Josh Billings Female Remarks.

! Oo@h 0iiSj oAo al ooaASH w % hoo
band !?
This il bumper, and yu are not re
quired tew say "Yes" out loud, but arc
expedited tew throw your eyes down onto
the earth, az tho yu was looking for 9
pin, and reply to the interrogatory with
kind of draulin sigh, az though yu waz
eating an oyster, juice and all, OF from
the half shell =,
Not tew press so tender theme until
it bekums thorn in the flesh, we Will
presume (tew avoid argument) that yu
are. on the lookout for sumthing in the
male line tew boost yu in the up hill ov
life, and to keep his eyes on the britching
when yu begin to go down on the Other
side of the mountain. Let me give yu
sum small chuncl1s of advice how tew spot
yure tewter husband:
l., The man who is jellous of every lit
tie attenshun which yu git from sum other
fellow, yu will find after yu are married
to him, luvs himself more than he duz yu,
and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu
will diskover has changed into Indifference
.Jellousy isn't heart disease, it is a liver
complaint.
2. A mustash is not indispensable it is
only little moro hair, and IL a good deal
like moss, and other excressences-often
duz the best on sile that won't raise emmy
thing else. Don't forgit that those things
which yu admire in phellow before mar
riage yu will probably have tew admire
in husband after, and mustash will
git 'tew be very weak diet after long
time.
8. IF husbands could be took on trial,
az Irish cooks are, two-thirds ov them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem tew be emmy law for this
Therefore, girls, yu will see that after yu
git man, yu ha7 got tew keep him, even
if yu loos on him. Consequently, if yu
hav got emmy kold vitles in the hous, try
him on them, once in while, during
securing season, and if he swallers them
we'll, and sez he will take some more, he
il man who, when Blue Monday Gums.
will wash well.
4. Don't marry pheller who is alwaz
telling how his, mother duz things. 1t
il az hard tew suit these men as it il tew
wean young one.
5. If q yung man ken beat yu playing
on o pianner, and kant hear fish horn
playing in the street without turning q
back summersett on account of the musick
that iz in him, say ship him; he might
answer tew tend babe, but if yu set him
hoeing out garden, you will find that you
have got tow do it yurself A man whoze
whole hett lies in musick (and not very
hefty at that) amt no botter for hus-
band than seedlitiz powder; butt if he luvs
to listen while yu. sing sum gentle ballad,
yu will find him mellow and no soft. But
don't marry ennybody for jist one virtow,
emmy quicker than yu would flop man
for jist one fault.
6. 1t il one ov the most tuffest things
for female tew be an old maid success,
fully. A CRATE menny hez tried it and
made bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems
to look upon old maids jist az they do
upon dried yarbs-in the garrett, h; ndy
for sickness-and therefore, girls, it ain't
mistake that yu should be willin to
swop yurself oph with some trew phellow
for husband. The swop is good one,
but don't swop for emmy man who is re-
spekted jist bekause his father iz. Yc2
had better be an old maid for Thousand
years, and then join the Shakers, than to
buy repentance at this price. No woman
ever made this trade who didn't git
either phool, mean cuss, or q clown,
for husband.
7. In digging down into this subject
find the digging grows harder the further
I git II is mutch easier tew inform yu
who not tow marry than who tew, for the
reason thare iz more Of them.
don't think yu will toller mi advise,
if Civ it; and, therefore, | will keep 1t,
for look upon advise as j do upon castor
ile-a mean dose to give, and a mean
dose to take.
But i must say one thing, girls, or spilo:
If yu can find a bright-eyed, healthy, and
well-ballosted boy, who looks upon pow
erty az sassy as child looks upon wealth
who had rather sit down on the curb
stun, in frpnt of the 5th avenue hotel, and
eat O ham sandwich than tew go inside
and run in debt for hiz dinner and tooth
pick-one who il armed with that kind
ov pluck that mistakes a defeat for q vic
tory, mi advise iz tew take him, body and
soul-snare him at unst, for he is stray
trout, of a breed very slzase in our waters.
Take him, say, and bid onto him, as
hornets bid onto tree--Ne1O YORK.
Weekly.
DIDN'T WANT A SUBsTITUTE.-Mr. Pill
l1inson. q farmer in Pennsylvania, was