Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1870-05-15
THE JOSH BILLINGS. PA
PERS.
Slips of the Pen.

The wizest thing about man is his
conscience edukashun don't improve IL
II yu want tn find out the ruling paeh-
I'm of boss, feed him high on oats-it liz
| jiss so with mankind.
Az gineral rule, the best way is to
decide yureself what blzness in life it il
best for yure yung one tew foller, aid
them stick him at it while he IL Timber
men alwus pole vines before they begin to
run much.
The only way for me to git out oy a
tight spot il tew git into it fust Sum
folks kan tell exackly how thing feels
by not tutching it, but kant.
The more babies in a family the easier
and better they are raized-One chicken
alwuz makes an old hen more clucking
and scratching than duzen duz.
1t takes an uncommon smart man, now
daze, tew make money by telling the
truth-it is aktually an evidence of ge-
MUS.
1t is very small spot in the lightning
bugs tale that shines; it is the darkness
Oy the mite that makes it so brilliant-it
IL jist so with Yirtew.
AAuocLL9 II A1hC Aubolns u1S
hedgehOg-the older he grows, the sharp
er hiz quilts.
The good man IL like an old-fashioned
NJ England clOck-hiz soul IL the pendu-
lum whose regular moshuns give life and
grace tew biz hands and face, thus show
ing the good works that are inside ov him.
Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns
read like guide boards tew the crate City,
and without them a great menny would
take the wrong road.
Most people travel to see and be seen
but few TO compare.
Fools are telling us (confdenshalD
''that time is Short" but the difficulty
lies not in the shortness ov time so mulch
az it duz in the length of the fools.
Children are kut down like the yung
wheat, to ripen; ole people are gathered
like the golden grain, to be ground and
bolted.
The only way tew truli enjoy emmy
thing IL tew be willing tew quit il when
the bell rings.
Time il like fair wind-if we don't
set our sails, we looze that breeze for
ever.
We are often redikuled for telling old
truths. The 10 commandments are old
enuff tew be wore out with truth, but
who folders them2
Take man, from Adam down to April
fool, 1865, and would respectfully ask if
he amt ded beat 2 IL there a single
pashun ov his natur, up TO date, than yu
kan take the halter Ov civil law off from
and turn il out 10 grass.
Waking up in the morning TO virtu-
Gus man, is the same thing as being born
again.
'sNecessily IL the mother of inyen
shun," and Patient Wright is the father.
1t dun me good to hear poor brute
winner in Broadway yesterday. waz
glad thare was one stage-hoss in New
York City whose heart wasn't dead
broke.
Death il the only thing in this life that
IL certain; and even that amt always a
safe investment
HumOr is vagrant without home,
and lives upon what it can pick up.
The gres test victory for mankind that
hav ever bin won have bin won by the
rod and the katechism.
The lion and the lamb may possibly
sumtime lay down in this world together
for a flu minnits, but when the lion kums
to git up, the lamb viii be missing.
Chastity is like glassware-to too much
frost in it makes it more brittle.
Virtew, backed up by courage, IL the
perfekshun ov human natur. I don't
reckon mercy nor pity always amung the
virtews; they are often amable weak
nesses. Justiss IL the square root or awl
the virtews l wouldn't hav emmy mercy
nor pity hove out for rubbish; neither
would l have man think, becauzs be
melts at the anguish of vicious, that I: IL
virtew that ais him.
Bachelors are always a braggin ov
their freedom! freedom to darn their
own stockings, and poultiss their own
shins! | had rather be widdower once
in years, rcglar, then tew be grunting,
old, hair-eyed bachelor only 90 days.
The largest man that l kan think o,
row, was Israel Dunbar, Of Bulingsvillc
He dried up new mich COW in milking
her three times, and planted an aker OF
beans, last spring, awl In one hill. He IL
40 years old and haint had the mcszles
yet; he has alwuz been too lazy to ketch
them. This boy died when he wuz Is
years old, in crossing korn-hsld; The
punkin-vines took after him and smoth
cred him to death.