The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-05-06
The Josh Billings Papers.
TIGHT BOOTS.


would list like tew kno who the man
waz who fust invented tite boots.
He must hav bin a marrow and kontrack-
ted kuss. ,sft. ..-as.
If he still lives, hope he haz repented
ov hiz sin, or IL enjoying CRATE agony ov
sum kind.
I, have bin In CRATE menny tight spots
in mi life, but generally could manage to
make them average; but thare is no sieh
thing az making a pair of tite boots ave-
rage.
Yu can't git an average on the pinch ov
a tite boot moro than yu Kan on the bite ov
@ lobster. - -.. -I,
Emmy man who kan wear pair ov tite
boots, and be humble, and penitent, and
not indulge in profane literature, will make
good husband.
He will do more than that, he will do to
divide up into several fust klass husbands,
and be made to answer for whole naber-
hood. sss EEir 1850.
OH, for the pen ov departed VIM. Shak-
spear, to write an anathema aginst tite
boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake
up, and howl agin az she did once before
On previous ockaseun.
Obi for the strength ov Herkules, to
tare into shu strings all the tite boots oy
creashun, and skater them to the 8 winds
ov heaven. tst t-lE
Oil for the buty ov Venus, tew make a
bigg foot look hansum without tlte boot
on IL T.: .nH:n-.ss
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apos-
tie, to nuss tite boot and bless it, and even
pra for one size smaller and more pinch
full.
OH for pair ov boots bigg enough for
the foot oY q mountain.
I-hav bin led into the above assortment
ov Oh'sl from having in my possesshun, at
this moment, pair ov number nine boots
with a pair ov number eleven feet in them.
Mi feet are az uneazy az dogs noze the
fust time he wears muZzle. r,s -.
think mi feet will eventually. choke the
boots to deth. -. .-s.rs s...-
1 liv in hopes they will.
1 suppozed had lived long enuff not to
be phooled agin in this way, but hav
found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs
more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily
when man mistakes bigg foot for small
one. r-s-41 .e-' 70 '-=- %
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would
the grip.oV the devil; for menny man
hez caught for life a fust rate habit for
swareing bi encouraging luz feet to hurt
hiz boots. g.
Ihav promised mi two feet. at least q
dozen o7 times during Ini checkured life,
that they never should be strangled agin,
but i find them to-day az full ov pain az
the stummuk axe from a sudden attack ov
tite boots. O. ~ 5F
But this liz solemnly the last pair ov tite
boots will ever wear; will hereafter wear
boots az big az mi feet, if i have to go bare
foot to do it.
am too old and too respectable to be q
phool enRy more.
Eazy boots il one of the luxurys ov hfe,
but forgit what the other luxury IL, but
don't kno az care, provided kan git nd
ov this pair ov tite boots. -e
Emmy man ken hay them for seven dol
lars, Just half what they cost, and if they
don't make his feet axe wus than an angle
worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay for
them. r..-.i--.-
Methuseles IL the only man. that i kan
kaII to mind now who could have afforded
TO wore tite boots, and enjcyca hem; he
had great deal of waste time tew bemis-
erable in, but life now days, is too short,
and too full ov aktual bizZness to phool
away emmy of it on tite boots.
lite boots are an insult to emmy mani
understandings. -.,.. -.r
He who wears tite boots will have to ac-
knowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowels or mersey,
their insides are wrath, and promiskious
cussing.
Beware of lite boots. .