The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1870-04-16
BuDget of FINN.
THE JOSH billings PAPERS.


Some ov our best energetick quill jerkers,
have writ essays on the Lost Arts" and haye
did Compatibility we'll, but they have overlooked
several oy the missing artikles, which take the
liberty, lin q strickly confdenshall wayl tew
draw their attenshun to.
Pumpkin P"-This delitesum work of ART,
IL Tor rather was) a triumphant oonglomerashun
of baked doe, and billed pumpkin.
II was discovered during the old Of the moon,
in the year 1880, by Angelica, the notable wife
of Rhehoboam Beecher, then residing in the ru-
raj town of NJ GuilfOrd, State: of Connecticut.
but, since departed this life aged "a years, 2
months, 6 daze, 5 hours and fifteen minnitts.
Peace to her dust.
This pi, Immediately after its discovery BY
Angelica proceeded into general use, and was
boss pi for over hundred years.
In the year 1888 it was totally lorst.
This pi hasn't been heard from since. Large
rewards has bin offered for its recovery by the
Governor ov Connecticut but it haz undoubted-
ly fed forever.
Some poor mitaAuns ov the blessed old orig
inal pi are loafng around, but, pumpkin pi,
az it waN with nutmeg in it, isno more.
"Aylyto bed md afly 10 rice"
When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rock
out of the Mayfower and stood in front of the
CRATE landscape spred out before him, reaching
from the boisterous Atlantic to the buzzum oy
the plaintive Pacifk they brought with them,
among other tools the art of Citing up in the
morning and going to bed in decent season.
This art waz familiar to them a. Goldfish
for breakfast
They knu it by heart.
1t was the eleventh command in their cate
kism.
They taut 1t tew their children, their yung
men and madens, and if yung one wax emmy
ways slow about learning it, he was invited out
OF the korn-krib, and thare the art waz ex.
planned tew him, 30 that he got hold of the idea
forever and amen,
am sorry tew cay that this art is now lost,
or missing.
What loss wa. here, nay countrymen!
pause FOR reply.
Not u word do hear
Silence IL her epitaph.
Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss
will exkaim-"Let her rip!"
Arly TO bed and arly to rize, Is either a thing
OF the past or thing that amt CUNT certain.
!y don't exist in theze parts now.
l. haz not only gone itself, but it has took off
whole lot of good things with it.
This art will positively never be discovered
again it waz the child OF nnocensc and vigor,
and this breed ov children are like tn. babes in
the wood and deserted by their unkle.
"Ifohesty. Honesty IL one OF the arts and
sciences.
Learned men will tell you that the above as
sershun IL Of Josh Billings internal lies and
yer have perhk rite 70 believe them, but
don't.
Honesty is Just az much an art az politen.ss
IL, and never waz BORN with man any more
than the capacity 10 spell the word Nebuddke.
nozzer RI, ht the first time
II look me seven years 10 master this word
and and Noer Webster both disagree about the
right way now.
Sum men are naturally more addikteed tew
honesty than Others, li-t som hav better ear
for musk, and learn how 10 hoist and lower the
notes, more completely thsn the next man.
Honesty IL one the los. or mialaid arts
thare may be exceptions to this rule, but the
learned men all agree that the excepshuna
prove the rule"
The only doubts hav about this matter is to
locate the time very cluss when honesty wsz
fus' lost.
When Adam in the garden was asked, "WA,7e
at TIM, .idim,' and .fterwsrd explained lis
absence by saying. g ,rGs Gtrdjd," is far back
as have been able tew trace the first indica.
shun. ov weakness in this grand and noble art.
shouldn't be surprised ii this art never wa7
recovered agin during mi day.
| amt so anxious about it on my own account
for | can manage tew worry along somehow
without it, but what IL going to become ov the
CRATE mass Of suffering humanity?
This is a question that racks mi simpithetit
-huZZum