Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1870-12-01
MISCELLANEOUS.
Mark Twain's Experience as Cam
didate.

a FEW months ago, was nominated for
Governor Of the great State of New York,
to run against Stewart L. Woodford and
John 7. Hoffman, on an independent ticket
somehow felt that had one prominent
advantage over these gentlemen, and that
was, good character. 1t was easy to see by
the newspapers that if ever they had
known what it was to bear a good name,
that time had gone by. 1t was plain that
in these latter years they had become IA
miliar with all manner of shameful crimes
But at the very moment | was exalting my
advantage and joying in it in secret, there
was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort
riling" the deeps of my happiness-and
that was the having to hear my name ban
died about in familiar connection with
those of such people. | grew more and
more disturbed. Finally l wrote to my
grandmother about it, Her answer came
quick and sharp. She said:
You have never done one single thing in all your
life to be ashamed of-not one Look at the
newspapers-look at them, and comprehend what
sort of characters Woodford and Hoffman are, and
then see if you willing to lower yourself to
their level and enter public canvass with Them
1t was my very thought! / did not
sleep single moment that night. But
after all | could not recede. / was fully
committed and must go on with the fight
AS was looking listlessly over the papers
at breakfast, came across this paragraph
and may truly say | never was SO con-
founded before:
PEEJURY.--Perhans now that Mark Twain is be-
fore the people as candidate for Governor, he
will COndescend to explain how he came to be con-
victed of perjury by thirty witnesses, in Waka
wax, Cochin China, in 1863, the intent of which
helpless family of a meagre plantain patch, their
only stay and support in their bereavement and
their desolation. Mr.. Twain owes it to himself as
well as to the great people whose suffrages he
asks, to clear this matter up. viii he do it?
thought | should burst with amaze
ment! Such cruel, heartless charge Il
never had seen Cochin China! | never
had heard of Wakawak. | didn't know a
plantain patch from kangaroo! | did not
know what to do. ! was crazed and help
less i let the day slip away without doing
anything at all. The next morning the
same paper had this-nothing more:
SIGNIFIcANr.-Mr Twain, ii will be observed, is
suggestively silent about the Cochin China per-
jury.
Mem.-During the rest of the campaign
this paper never referred to me in any 9TH
er way than as the infamous perjurer
Twain
Next came the Gazette, with this:
WANTED TO KNow.-Wil the new candidate for
Governor deign to explain to certain of his fellow
citizens (who suffering to vote for him y the
little circumstance of his cabin-mates In Montana
losing small valuabes from time to time, until at
last things having been invariably found on Mr..
Twain's person or in his trunk" newspaper he
rolled his traps I'M, they felt compelled to give
him friendly admonition for his own good, and
so tarred and feathered him and rode him on a
rail, and then advised him to leave a permanent
vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the
camp. Will this do?
Could anything be more deliberately ma
licious than that? For | never was i'm
Montana in my life.
After this, this journal customarily
spoke of me as Twain, the Montana
Thief"l
got to picking up papers apprehensive-
ly-much as one would lift a desired blan-
ket which he had some idea might have
rattlesnake under it. One day this met my
eye:
The LIE NAILED!-By the sworn affidavts of
Mr.. Kit Burns and Mr. John Allen, Of Water street,
it il established that Mr.. Mark Twain's vile state
ment that the lamented grandfather of our noble
standard bearer, John I. Hoffman, was hanged for
highway robbery, il brutal and gratuitous LIE,
without single shadow of foundation in fact. 1t
is dishearteDing to virtuous men to see such
shameful means resOred TO to achieve political
success the attacking of the dead In their graves
and defiling their honOred names with SANDER.
When we think OF the anguish this miserable
falsehood must cause the innocent relatives and
friends of the deceased we are almost driven to
incite an outrage and insulted public to summary
mad unlawful vengeance upon the traducer. But
no-let US leave him to the agony of laceradng
conscience though ii passion should get the bet
ter Of the public and in its blind fury they should
do the traducer bodily injury IA but too obvious
that no jury could convict and court punish the
perpetrators Of the deed).
The ingenious closing sentence had the
effect of moving me out of bed with dis
patch that night and out Of the back door,
also, while the Outraged and insulted
public" surged in the front way, breaking
furniture and windows in their righteous
Indignation as they came, and taking off
such property as they could carry when
they went. And yet / can lay my hand
upon the Book and say that | never SIAN
dered Governor Hofiiman's grandfather
More-I had never heard of him or men
toned him up to that day and date.
Twill state in passing, that the journal
above quoted always referred to me after
wards as Twain, the Body-Snatcher"
The next newspaper article that attract
edmy attention was the following:
A SWEET CARDIDArE.-Mark Twain, who was
70 make such blghtng speech at the mass meet
ing at the Independents last night, don't come to
timer A telegram from his physiciaD stated that