The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1870-08-25

An indolent fellow declares he pre-
fers rolls in bed to rolls in breakfast. : |
1t is fact that a statue diminishes ih
size when exposed to shower of rain;
it instantly becomes a statue-wet.
Why would Sampson have made a
good opera singer! Because he could |
easily have brought down the house.
Many of the policemen seem to re-
gard the public as SO mauy bottles of
medicine-"to be well shaken before Ia
ken"
A very domestic and devoted wife
says she cares more for her eccentric hus-
bands in come than she does for his
out 60.
Among the articles advertised at a
chattel mortgage sale in Massachusetts,
is "set Of tomb-stones just as good as
new"
A journal printed in the interior calls
the delegation of Indians which were in
Washington, an assemblage of "emi-
nent American scalpists."
The New YorkEvening Post wittily
says, that ifa letter postage is reduced
to one cent, there will be two cents to
to where there is one now. ..-.
Acertain landlady, it is said, makes
her pies so light that her dodgers can
see to 90 to bed without candle after
eating moderate sized piece.
An Irish magistrate, censuring some
boys for lettering in the street, argued,
'If everybody were to stand in the
streets, how could anybody get by!"
The buffalo isn't good thing to pas
tuTe. Put him into a pasture, and he
will pasture in every other pasture than
the pasture you want him to pasture in'
A man is said to be absent-minded
when he thinks he has left his watch at
home, and takes it out of his pocket to
see ifhe has got time to return home to
get it.
Wanted--a pupil from the school of
reform; hair from the head of an old
cane; q few tears that man shed when
he cried fire; the chair the sun sets I'M
the bed that the moon rises from.
II have just met an old acquaintance,
Daley" said an Irishman to bis friend,
sand was sorry to see how he has al
most shrunk to nothing. You are thin,
and l am thin, but he is thinner than
both Of us put together"
The biography of western senator
closes in the following style. "He can
not prOpel himself through the muddy
pool Of politics at higher rate ofspeed
than that of a rudderless pollywog
through kettle ofcold mush."
A certain man, on being told by a
generous farmer that he would give
him barrel of cider, asked him to
bring ii to his house. "Certainly," re-
piled the farmer, "with pleasure
"Wel," said the grateful recipient,
what will you pay me for the barrel
Wnen the clder ID 8oneF
A witness in divorce suit kept say.
ing that the wife had retaliating dis
position--that she "retaliated for ev
cry little thing" "Did you ever sec
her husband kiss her?" asked the wife'c
counsel, eyes, sir, often" "Well,
what did she do on such occasions!
'She always retaliated, sir"
An apothcary's boy was lately sent
TO leave at house box of pills, anC
at another six live fowls. confused OF
the way, he left the pills where the fowl
should have gone and the fowls at til,
pill place. The folks who received th,
fowls were astonished at reading the 40
companyiDg directions: Swallow one
every two hours
Postoffice clerks occasionally get Of
a funny thing; at least 30 says th,
Binghampton Daily Republican. A Clerl
in our postoffice heard tap at the win.
dow OF the ladies department, when whC
should he find there but a man by the
name of Drake to whom he said, "Mr.
Drake will you please go to the OtheI
side, this department is for ducks!"
FoOte, speaking of q miserable 40
quaintanoe, said he believed he would
be willing to take the beam out OF hi'
own eye, if he knew hO could sell tn,
timber.
Some ingenious biped has a maChin,
tomake Aman rise early in the morning
A young benedict says six-months' -
old baby can beat it to death.
Said youngster in high gleO, display
ing his purchases to bosom friend OF
the sidewalk; "Two cocOanuts tor tel
cents! That will make me sick tomOr
row, and l wont have to go TO school.
AScotchman who had put up an I'M
was asked in the morning how he ha
slept "Ah, mon,, replied Donald
''nae vera we'll either, but | was muck
10 better off than the bugs, for del
one o them closed an s'e the hal
nicht"
care you not ashamed to begl" sal
the philosopher Montaigne to a strong
healtha beggar, who was soliciting aim
''you are certainly able to work" &C
sir" was the knaye's rejoinder, "if yo
only knew how lazy AMI