The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1870-01-04
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JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS


s9i FEMALE REMARKS. oe :.
,H g.fiyns - y % s.4 s,If 78 ..}
Dear Girls, are yn In sarch ov hus
4 band?
i This IL pumper,. and yu are not re
quired tew say Yes out loud, but ar,
expekted tew throw yure eyes. down on
to the earth, az tho yu was looking for
lpin and reply tew the interrogatory witt
a kind ov draulin sigh, az tho you wa;
eating an oyster, Juice and all, off from
the half she'll q 81 Tea 'spin i.e9s q
/ Not tew press so tender q theme unit
| it bekums thorn in the flesh, we viii
presume (tew avoid argument that syr
are on the look out for sumthing in ths
male line tuw boost yu in the up hill %,
| life,i and tewikcep his eyes on the britch
ling when y,i:begin tew go down the 9th
or side oy the mountain. Let ME give
lyu sum small ehunss ov advice how tcN
spot yure fewter husband: sh.s lad
L. The man who liz jellous oy every
little attention which yu git from sum
other fellow, yuwill find, after yu arc
married tn him, luys himself more than
he duz WI, and what yu mistook for so,
| lissitude, you will diskover,a has changed
into indifference Jcllousy isn't a heart
diseaze; it is a lliyer-komplaint. raf.o vr
2. "a mustash is not indispensable il
liz only a little more hair, and il a good
deal like moss and other excressences-
foften duz the best on sile that won't raize
Iennything else. Don't forgit that thoze
things which yuadmire in phellow be-
fore marriage, you will probably shav
/ Itew. admire in a husband after, and a
lmustashiwill git tew be very weak diet
Iafter a long time. .a9Fals ss4rts. 80
3. Ifhushaads could be took ON, trial,
laz irish cooks are, two thirds ,oy them
woald probably be returned, but there
don't seem to be emmy law for this
Therefore, girls, w will see that after yu
git man, yu hav got tew keep him,even
|if yu loos on him.. Consequently, if yu
hay gett kold vitles in, the house,try him
| on them, and il he swallers them well,
and sez he, will take sum more, he IL a
man who, when blue Monday Gums, will
wash well.aa lis dti.y ef3 ,. fsf4f y
i4.Don't marrya phellar who il alwuz
a telling now .hiz mother duz things, 1t
IL az hard tew snit theze men az it iz tew
wean-a yung one.fs ~ 81, q.,sgierfD
i5.s1f yang man kan beat 1yu play
ling on pianner, and kant near a fish
horn PLAYING in the street without tum-
bling back summersett on account ov
the music that IL in him.I say, strip him j
he might answer tew tend babe, 4 but il
yussetI him hoeingi out the garden, .yu
will find thatiyu jhav5 got tew do it yur-
self. a man whose whole .heft lies in
music (and not very heftysat that, amt
no better for q husband than q seedlitz
powder; but if he luvs tn listen while
yu sing sum gentle balled yu will find
him mellowila and not soft. But don't
marry ennyboddy for jist one ,virtew en-
ny quicker than yu would flop a man for
jist one faalt. ili7f ss gsse4gises.. ,a..l
6. Itiz one of the most tuffest things
for female to be an old maid success.
fully. A great menny hez tried it, and
made a bad jobovit Everybody seems
tew look upon old maids jisL az they do
upon dried harbs--in the garret, handy
for sickness and, therefore, girls, it
ain'ta mistake that yu should be willing
to swopyurselfoph with some true phel-
low, for husband. The swop IL a good
one; butdon't swop for emmy man who
IL respektible just because his father IL.
Yu had better be an old maid for 4 thou
sand years, and then join the Shakers,
then tew buy repentance at this price -
No5woman ever made this trade who
didn't get either phool, a mean cuss, s,or
aelown for a husband. bsai aate
Z. In diggin down into this subject /
find the digging grows harder the fur
therI git. Itiz mutch easier to inform
yu who not tew marry, than who for
the reason there iz more ov them. b.t
] don't fthinl1lyu will foller mi advise,
if 1 give it; and, therefore / will keep
it,;for / look upon advise as l do upon
castor ile--a mean dose to Civ, and a
mean dose to take. e.I Itise,,s ssea.I s.
But must say one thing, girls, OF
spile If yu can find q brightreyed,
healthy, and. well ballastel boy, who
looks upon poverty az sassy az a child
looks upon wealth--who had rather sit
down on the curbstun, in front soy the
9th avenue hotel, and eat q ham sand
wich, than tew go inside,and run in debt
for his dinner and toothpick--one who
IL armed with that Kind Of pluck, that
mistakesa defeat for victory, mi ad-
wise is tew take him boldly and soul
snare him atiohst, forhe is stray trout,
| Of d breed very skase in our waters.
Take him, and bid onto him, az hor-
nets bid on a tree sfoe H7is .'alIs s9s{ IS
| lE5 vi A Practical JOke.l
81 1nofo,. vvl,iln Of torlniu ty at tavern ,ll-