The Plymouth Democrat. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1869-1941, 1870-06-16
inspirations Of the Two-iear-
Olds.0
BY MARK TWAIN.

of saving "srnart" things on most occa-
sions that offer, and especially on Occa-
sions when they ought not to be saying
anything at all. Judging by the average
published specimens of smart sayings, the
rising generation of children are little
better than idiots. And the parents must
surely be but little better than the chill
dren, for in most cases they are the pub
fishers of the sunbursts of infantile imbe- |
cility which dazzle us from the pages of |
our periodicals. l may seem to speak |
with some heat, not to say suspicion of !
personal spite and / do admit that it net |
ties me to hear about so many gifted in
flnts in these days, and remember that
seldom said anything smart when was
child. / tried it once or twice, but it was
not popular. The family were not ex-
pect1ng brilliant remarks from me, and so
they snubbed me sometimes and spanked
me the rest. But it makes my flesh creep
and my blood run cold to think what
might have happened to me if had dared
to utter some of the smart things of this
generations "fOur-year-olds where my
father could hear me. To have simply
skinned me alive and consider his duty at
an end would have seemed to him crimi-
nal leniency toward one so SHINING. He
was stern, unsmiling man, and hated all
forms of precocity. If / had said some of
the things l have referred to, and said
them in his hearing, he would have de-
strOyed me. He would indeed He would,
provided the opportunity remained with
him. But it would not, for l would have
had judgment enough to take some strych-
nine first and say my smart things after
ward. The fair record of my life has
been furnished by just one pun. My
father overheard that, and he hunted me
over four or five townships seeking to
take my life. Ii had been full grown,
c course he would have been right; but,
child as was, | could not know how
wicked thing / had done.
/ made one of those remarks ordinarily
called smart things" before that, but it
was not pun. Still, it came near causing
a serious rupture between nv father and
myself My father and mother, my I'm
Gle Epbraim and his wife, and one or two
others were present, and the conversation
turned on name for me. | was living
there, trying some India-rubber rings of
various patterns, and endeavoring to make
a selection, for | was tired of irving to
cut my teeth on peoples fingers, and
wanted to get hold of something that
would enable me to hurry the thing
through and get ct something else. Did
you ever notice what a nuisance it was
cutting your teeth on your nurses fin
ger, or how back-breaking and tiresome it
was trying to cut them on your big toe ?
and did you never get out Of patience and
wish your teeth were in Jericho long be-
lore you get them half cut? To me it
seems as If these things happened yester-
day. And they did, to some children.
But dlgress. | was lying there irving
the lndia-rubber rings. / remember look
Ing at the clock and noticing that in an
hour and twenty five minutes | would be
two weeks old. and thinking to myself
how little had done to merit the bles-
sings that were so unsparingly lavished
upon me. My father said
Abraham is a good name. Ny grand
father was named Abraham"
My mother said:
Abraham is a good name. Very well.
Let us have Abraham Tor one of his
names"
/ said:
Abraham suits the subscriber"
My father tr0wned, my mother looked
pleased; my aunt said
What little darling it isr
My father said
Isaac is a good name, and Jacob is g
good name"
A1lCtAACA dSScUtCU anu SAID.
No names are better. Let us ado
Isaac and Jacob to his names"
| said:
"All right. Isaac and Jacob are good
enough for yours truly. Pass me thai
rattle, If you please. 1 can't chew India
rubber rings all day"
Not a soul made a memorandum O
THESE sayings of mine. for publication.
saw that, and did it myself else they
would have been utterly lost. So far from
meeting with generous encouragement
IKE other chill lren when developing in
teilecIualIy, was now furiously scoWleC
upon by my father; my mother looked
SrleVed and anxious, and even nv aIIn
nau ABOUT her an expression Of seeming Il
mink That maybe had gone too far.
TOOK vicious bite out of an India-rubbe
ring, and coVertly broke the rattle owe
tne Kittens head, but said nothing. Pres
emily my father said:
samuel is very excellent name"
sd" that trouble was coming. Nothin
couIu prevent IL. L laid down my rattle
over the SIDE OF the cradle dropped m
toy dog, my tin soldier, the nutmeg gratel
and other matters which | was accustOme
to examine and mediate upon. and max
pleasant noises with, and bang, and batter
anu Dreak When l needed wholesome er
tertalnment. Then | put on nv littl
irocK ana my little bonnet, and took m
plgmy shoes IN one hand and nv licoric
In the other AID climbed out on the foo
l SAID to myself, Now, if the worst come
TO the worst, | am ready. Then I sal
aloud, IN a firm voice:
Father, | cannot, cannot wear th
name of Samuel"
My son ~
Father, 1 mean it. l cannot.n
"Why?"
Father, have an inyincible antipatb
to that name'
My son, this is unreasonable. Man
great and good men have been name
Samuel"
Sir, l have yet to hear of the first il
stance" A-'' u
What There was Samuel II
prophet Was not he great and good !
My son With His own voice II
Lord called him"
Yes, sir; and had to call him coup
OF times before he would Gomez
And then | sailed forth. and that ster
Old man sailed forth after NE. He owe
TOOK me at noon the following dav. an
Wnen the interview was over | had a.
CURED the name of Samuel, and a thrasl
ing, and other useful information; and /
means OF this compromise my father
wrath was appeased, and a mIsunde
standing bridged over which might hay
become a permanent rupture il / hs
chosen to be unreasonable. But ia
Judging by this episode, what soo,dd m
father have done to me if had ever u
tered In his hearing one of the fiat, sick
things these "twO-year olds" say in pril
nowadays? In my opinion there wou
nave been case of infantIcide i'm O,
family.-GGlGrV
Jonathan Bradford.