The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1870-04-28
The Josh Billings Papers.

| Ihe Josh Billings Papers.
| TIGHT BOOTS.
l would jist like tew kno who the man
waz who fust invented t,te boots.
He must hav bin a barrow and koutrack-
ted kuss.
IF he still lives, hope be haz repented
ov biz sin, or IL enjoying crate agony ov
sum kind.
hav bin IN crate menny tite spots in
mi life, but generally could manage tew
| make them average; but thare IL no sich
thing As making pair ov tite boots aver
age.
You cant get an average on the pinch
ov tite boot mure than yu kan on the
bite ov lobster.
Emmy man who kan wear a pair ov
tite boots, and be humble, and penitent,
and not indulge in profane literature, will
make good husband.
Tie will do more than that, he will do tew
divide up into several fust klass husbands,
and be made tsw answer for whole naber-
hood.
| Oh for the pen ov departed VIM. Shak-
spear, tew write an anathema aginst tite
boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake
up, and howl agin az she did once before
| on previous ockaseon.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, tev
tare into shu strings all the tte boots ov
creashun, and scatter them to the winds
ov heaven.
Oh ! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a
blgg foot look hansum without tite boot
on it.
Ohl for the payshunce ov Job, the
Apostle, tew nuss a tite boot and bless it,
and even pra tor one size smaller and
more pinchfull.
Oh Tor pair ov boots bigg enough for
a mountain.
l hav bin led into the above assortment
ov Oh'si from having in my possesshun, at
this moment, pair ov number nine boots,
with pair ov number eleven feet in them.
Mi feet are az uneazy az a dogs noze the
tust time he wears a muzzle.
l think mi feet will eventually choke th
boots tew deth.
| llv in hopes they will.
l suppozed had liyed lo.g enough not
to be phooled agin in this way, but hav
found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs
more than pound Ov reason, espeshily
when man mistakes bigg foot for a
small one.
Avoid tite boots, MI friend, az you
would the grip ov the devil; for menny a
man hez caught for life fust rate habit
for swareiDg bi encouraging biz feet to
hurt hiz boots.
l haye promised mi two feet, at least a
dozen Ov times during mi check ured life,
that they never should be stranged agin,
L.. 1 Cd ~t.~... uay Wv paih AZ
the stummuk axe from q sudden attack ov
tiie boots.
But this il solemniy the last pair ov tite
boots will ever wear; will hereafter wear
boots az bigg az mi feet, il hav to 20
barefoot tew do it.
l am.too old and too..respektable tew be
phool emmy more.
Eazy boots il one ov the luxurys ov life,
but forglt what the other luxury il, but i
don't kno az | care, provided kan git rid
ov this pair ov tite boots.
Emmy man ken hav them for seven dol>
lars, just half what they cost, and if they
don't make his feet axe wus than an angle
worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay fol
them.
Methuseles IL the only man, that kan
kali tew mind now who could have afforded
to wore tite boots, and enjoyed then; he
had a great deal ov waste time tew be mis-
cradle In, but life now a days IL too short
and too full ov aktual bzzness to phool
away emmy ov it on tite boots.
Tite boots are an insult to enDy man 8
understandings.
He who wears tite boots will have tew ac>
knowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowels or mersey, !
their insidss are wrath, aud promiskious
kussing.
Beware ov tite boots.