Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1870-03-30
THE
THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.
Marriage.

ldCe Nv IT,
But there IL quite too often put-up
jobs in it.
1t is an old institushun, older than
the pyramids, and az phull ov hyro-
gliphics that nobody "A parse.
History holds its tongue who the
pair waz who fust put on the siIken
harness, and promised to work kind
in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and
down, and on the level, rain or shine,
survive or perish, sink or swim,
drown OrfiOte.
But whoever they waz, they must
have made a good thing of it, or so
menny Ov their posterity would not
hev harnessed up since and drove out.
There IL a CRATE moral grip to mar
rlage; 1t IL the mortar that holds the
sOOshul bricks together.
But there amt but darn few phOlks
VINO put their money in matrimony
who could set down and give a good
written opinOyun viii on arth they
cum to did it.
h is a CRATE proof that il IL one Ov
them n2tral kind Ov acksidents that
must happen, jist az birds fly out ov
the nest, when they hav feathers
enuff, without being able tew tell
why.
Some marry for buty, and never
dlskOver their mistake; this il lucky.
sum marry for money, and don't
see it.
Sum marry for pedigree, and feel
big for six months, and then very
sensibly cum tew the conclusion that
pedigree amt no better than skim
milk.
Sum marry bekawze they hav bin
highsted sum where else; this il a
cross match, a bay and a sorrel pride
may make il endurable.
Sum marry for love without a cent
in their pocket, nor q friend in the
world, nOr q drop Ov pedigree. This
looks desperate, bit II IL tie strength
OF the game.
If marrying for love amt a success
then matrimony is a ded beet.
Sum marry because they think
wimmin will be scarce next year, and
live tew wonder how the crop holds
out.
Sum marry to get rid of themselves,
and discover that the game waZ one
that two could play at, and neither
win.
sum marry the second time to get
even, and find it a gambling game
the more they put down the les they
take up.
Sum marry tew be happy, and not
finding it, wonder where all the hap
piness goes to when it dies.
Sum marry, they can't tell why,
and live, they can't tell how.
Almost everybody gets married,
and it is a good joke.
Some marry in haste, and then sit
down and think it carefully over.
Sum think it over careful fust, and
then set down and marry.
Both ways are right, if they hit the
mark.
Sum marry Takes to convert them.
This il little risky, and takes a smart
missionary to do it.
Sum marry cOquetts. This is like
buyingapOor farm heavily mortgaged,
and working the balance of your days
to clear oph the mortgages.
Married life haZ its chances, and
this il just what gives it its flavor.
Every boldly luvs tew phOOl with the
chances, bekauZe every boldly eXpekts
tew win. But / am authorized tew
state that every boldly don't win.
But, after all, married life il full az
certain az dry goods bizness.
No man can swear eXackly where
he will fetch up when he touches
calico.
Kno man kan tell jist what calico
haz made up its mind tew do next.
Calico don't knO even herself.
Dry goods ov all kinds IL the child
oY circumstances.
Sum eve marry, but this liz Just
ez risky the disease IL the same, with
an other name to.
The man who stands on the banks
.shivering, and dassent, il more apt
tew ketch cold than him who pitches
hiz head fust into the river.
There il but few who never marry
bekauZe they wOn't-they all banker,
and most Ov them starve with bread
before them (spread on both sides),
jist for the lack Ov grit.
Marry ylEng! liz mi motto.
/ hev tried it, and ] know what /
am talking about.
If emmy body asks w viii you got
married Cif it needs be-, tell him ga
don't recoHekt.
Marriage IL a safe way to gamble
if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu
lOze, yu don't loZe emmy thing, only
the privilege of living dismally alone,
and soaking your own feet.
l repeat it, in italics, marry yuHg!
There il but one good excuse for n
marriage late in life, and that ia
second Hdy7idge.-NeU York Weekly.