The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-04-15
A MYSTERIOUS VISIT.
BY MARK TWAIN.

| The first notice that was taken of me
when 1 ''settled down." recently, was
by gentleman who said he was an as
SCISSOR, and connected with the United
States Internal Revenue Department.
l said had never heard of his branch
of business before, but I was very glad
to see him, all the same, e,--would he sit
down? He sat down. did not know
anything particular to say, and yet ]
felt that people who have arrived at the
dignity of keeping house must be con-
versational, must be easy and sociable
in company. So in default ofanything
else to say, asked him if he was open
ing his shop in our neighborhood.
He said he was. did not wish to
appear ignorant, but / lad hoped he
woul d mention what he had for sale.
ventured to ask him show was
trade? ?" and he said "So.s So"
1 then said we would drop in, and if
we liked his house as we'll as any other,
we would give him our custom.
He said he thought we would like his
tablishment we'll enough to confine
ours elves to it-and he never saw any.
body who would 60 off and hunt up an
other man in his line after trading with
him once.
That sounded pretty complacent, but
barring that natural expression of viii
lainy which we all have, the man look
ed honest enough.
i do not know how it came about, ex-
actly, but gradually we appeared to melt
down and run together, conversation
ally speaking, and then everything
went along as comfortably as clock.
work.
We talked, and talked, and talked
at least 1 did. And we laughed, and
laughed, and laughed-at least he did. .
But all the time, had my presence of
mind about mel had my native
shrewdness turned on. "full head" as
the engineer says. | was determined
to find out all about his business, in
spite of his obscure 'ansWers-and | was
determined | would have it out of him
without his suspecting whaI | was at. |
meant to trap him with a deep, deep
ruse / would tell him all about my
own business, and he would naturally
so warm to me during this seductive
burst of confidence that he would for
get himself and tell me~all about his
affair before he suspected what | was
about. / thought to myself, my son,
you little know what an old fox you are
dealing with. / said:
"Now you never would guess what i
made lecturing, this winter and last
spring"
"No-don't believe ! could, to save
me. Let me see-let me see. About two
thousand dollars may be? But no-no,
sir, know you couldn't have made
that much. Say seventeen hundred
maybe ?"
"Ia-ha! know you couldn't. My
lecturing receipts for last spring and
this winter We're fourteen thousand,
seven hundred and fifteen dollars. What
do you think ofthat?'
"Why, it is amazing-perfectly amaz
ing l will make note oft. And you
say even this wasn't all?"
"Ah Why, bless you, there was my
income from the Buffalo Express for
four months-about-about-well,w what
should you say to about eight thousand
dollars, for instauce?"
"Say Why / should say / should
like to see myself rolling in just such
another ocean of afiluence. Eight
thousand I'll make note Of it. Why,
man J. and on top of all this am touu-
derstand that you had still more in
cOme?r
"Ha-ha-ha! Why, you're only in
the suburbs of it, so to speak. There's
my book, The Innocents Abroad
price $3.50 to 81, according TO the bind
ing. Listen to me. Look me in the
eye. During the last four months and
a half, saying nothing of sales uefore
that-but just simply during the four
months and II half ending March Is,
1870, we've sold ninety-fve thousand