Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-06-10

and then say his right thumb was against
the side of his nose then talk about his
other foot, and presently come back and
say the fingers of his right hand were
spread apart; then talk about the back of
his head little, and return and say the
left thumb was hooked into the right
little finger then ramble all about
DRIFT back again and remark that the
fingers of the left hand were spread
like those of the right. But was
too ingenious l mixed 1t up rather too
much; so all the description of the atti-
tude, as key TO the humbuggery of the
article, was entirely lost, for nobody but
me ever discovered and comprehended
the peculiar and suggestive position of
the petri1ed mans hands.
AS satire on the petrifaction mania,
or anything else, my Petrified Man was
dishearteniDg failure; for everybody re-
ceived him in innocent good faith, and |
was stunned to. see the creature had be.
| EOtten to.pull down the wonder-business
with and bring derision upon it, calmly
exalted to the grand chief place in the list
OF the genuine marvels our Nevada had
produced. l was so disappointed at the
curious miscarriage of my scheme that at
first was angry and did not like to think
about it; but by and by, when the ex-
changes began to come in with the Petri.
ned Man copied and guilelessly glorihed, .
began to feel soothing secret satisfac.
tion; and as my gentlemsn's field of
travel broadened, and by the exchanges |
saw that he steadily and implacably pene-
trated territory after territory, State after
State, and land after land, till he swept
the great globe and eliminated in sublime
and unimpeached legitimacy in the au.
gust London Lancet" my cup was full,
and said was glad l had done it. |
think that for about eleven months, as
nearly as can remember, Mr.. Sewall's
daily mail contained along in the neigh
bOrhood of half bushel of newspapers
hailing from many climes with the Petri-
fed Man in them, marked around with a
prominent belt of ink. l sent them to
him. did it for spite, not for fun. He
used to shovel them into his back yard
and curse. And every day during all
those months the miners, his constituents
(for miners never quit joking a person
when they get started), would call on him
and ask if he could tell them where they
could get hold of paper with the Petri-
fed Man in it. He could have accommo-
dated continent with them. l hated
Sewau In those days, and these things
pacified me and pleased me. l could not
have gotten more real comfort out of him
without killing him.
MY FAMOUS "BLooDY MAssAcRE."
The other burlesque have referred to
was my tine satire upon the expedient of
cooking dividends" a thing which be-
came shamefully frequent on the Pacific
coast. Once more, in my selfcomplacent
simplicity, felt that the time had arrived
for me to rise up and be reformer. | put
this reformatory satire in the shape OF a
fearful Massacre at Empire City" The
San Francisco papers were making great
outcry about the Daney Silver Mining
Company, whose directors had declared a
cooked" or false, dividend, for the pur-
pose of increasing the value of their
stock, so that they could sell out at
comfortable figure and then scramble from
under the tumbling concern. And, while
abusing the Daney, those papers did not
forget TO urge the public to get rid of all
their silver stocks, and invest in sound
Spring Valley Water Company, etc. But
right at this unfortunate juncture, behold
the Spring Valley cooked dividend too
And so, under the ipsidious mask of an
invented bloody massacre" stole upon
the public unawares with my scathing
satire upon the dividend-cooking system.
In about half a column of imaginary in
human carnage told how citizen had
murdered his wife and nine children and
then committed suicide. And said slyly,
at the bottom, that the sudden madness of
which this melancholy massacre was the
result, had been brought about by his
having allowed himself to be persuaded
by the California papers to sell his
sound and lucrative Nevada silveIAI
stocks and buy into Spring Valley
just in time to get cooked along with that
company's fancy dividend, and sink every
cent he had in the world. All, it was |
deep satire, and most ingeniously con-
trived. But l made the horrible details 80
carefully and conscientiously interesting
that the public simply devoured them
greedily, and wholly overlooked the fol-
lowing distinctly stated facts, to-wit
The murderer was perfectly well known
to every creature in the land as bache- |
lor, and consequently he could not MUIR
der his wife and nine children; he MUIR
dered them ''in his splendid dressed stone
mansion just in the edge of the great
pine forest between Empire City and
Dutch Nlck's," when even the very
picked oysters that came on our tables
knew that there was not a "dressed-
stone mansion" in all Nevada Territory /;
also, that 50 far from there being great
pine forest between Empire City and
Dutch Nick's," there wasn't a solitary
tree within fifteen miles of either place;
and, finally, it was patent and notorious
that Empire City and Dutch Nick's were |
one and the same place, and contained |
only six houses anyhow, and conse-
quently there could be no forest betlOeen |
them; and on top of all these absurdities, |
stated that this diabolcal murderer, after |
N hot tha
reader ought to have seen would have
killed an elephant in the tWinkling of an
eye, jumped on his horse and rode four
miles, waving his W ife's reeking scalp in
the air, and thus performing entered Car
son City with tremendous ecldt, and |
dropped dead in front of the chief saloon,
the envy and admiration of all beholders |
Well, in all my life never saw any
thing like the sensation that little satire |
created. 1t was the talk of the town, it |
was the talk of the Territory. Most of
the citizens dropped gently into it at |
breakfast, and they never fDished their
meal. There was something about these |
minutely-faithful details that was suffi- |
cient substitute for food. Few people |
that were able to read took food that |
morning. Dan and dan was my re.
portorial associate) took our meals on |
SlbuOl nluO VI OuI CuSlOIuhTy JdDl6 IN the |
Eagle Restaurant" and as l unfolded
the shred they used to call napkin in
that establishment, / saw at the table two
stalwart innocents with that sort of veg
etable dandruff sprinkled about their
clothing which was the sign and evidence
that they were in from the Trukee with a
load Of hay. The one facing me had the
morning paper folded to long, narrow
strip, and / knew, without any telling,
that that strip represented the column
that contained my pleasant financial satire.
From the way he was excitedly mum.
bling, 1 saw that the needless son of hay
NOW was skipping with all his might, in
order to get to the bloody details as quick
ly as possible; and so he was missing the
guide boards l had set up to warn
him that the whole thing was a fraud.
Presently his eyes spread wide open, just
as his Jaws swung asunder, 10 take in
potato approaching It on fork the po-
tato halted, the face lit up redly, and the