The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1870-04-08
A Mysterious Visitor.

we'd at the dignity of keeping house
must be conversational, must be easy
and sOciable in company. So in de
fault of anything else to say, asked
him if he was opening his shop in our
neighbOrhOOd. 81. ...I.- -.
He said he was. II did not wish to
appear ignorant, bIt had hoped he
wO'd mention what he had for sale.
| ventured to ask him chow was
trade ?'' and he said, $3.50"
then said we would drop i'm, and if
we liked his house as well as any
other, we would give him our Gus
tom. @
He said he thought we would like
his establishment well enough To con-
fine ourselves TO it-said he never saw
anybody who would go off and hunt
up another man i'm his line after trad
ing with him once.
That sounded very cOmplacent, but
barring that natural expression of vii
lainy which we all have, the man
looked honest enough.
don't know how il came about,
exactly, but gradually we appeared to
melt down and run together, CONVEX
satiOnally speaking, and then every
thing went along rs comfortably rs
clOckwork. ...
! We talked, and talked, and talked
Mt least did. And we laughed, and
laughed, and laughed-at least he did.
But all the time had my presence of
mind about me-I had my native
shrewdness turned on "full head" as
the engineers say.
was determined to find ont all
about his business, in spite of his OBJ
scure answers; and was determined
| would have il out of him without
his suspecting what was ut. meant
to trap him with deep, deep ruse. /
would tell him all about my own bus
iness, and he would naturally so warm
to me during this seductive burst of
confidence that he would tell me all
about his affairs before he suspected
whatI was about. thought to myself.
My son you little know what an old
fox you are dealingwith. l said:
''Now you never would guess what
| made lectGring this winter and last
spring?" oa-I -..
| , ''NO-dOn't believe could, to save
me. Let me see-let me see. About
two thousand dollars maybe? But no
no, sir. / know You couldn't have
made that much. Say seventeen hun
dTed maybe ?'
'Ha ha knew you couldn't. My
lecturing receipts for last spring and
this winter We're fourteen thousand
seven hundred and fifty dOllars-what
do you think of that ~
"Why it is isamaZing- perfectly amaZ-
ing. / will make note of it. And
you say even this wasn't all?n
"All? Why bless you there was
my income from the Buffalo Express
for four mOnths-abOut-a t-abOut-abOut
well, what should you say to about
eight thousand dollars, for instance ?''
"Say! Why should like to see
myself rolling in just such another
ocean of affiuence. Eight thousand!
I'll make a note of it. Why, man =
and on top of all this / am to under
stand that you have still more in
! cOme~
'Ha-ha-ha! Why, you're only in
the suburbs of it, so to speak. There's
my book, THE InnOcents Abroad
price $3.50 to $500, according to the
| binding. Listen to me. Look me in
the eye. During the last four months
and half, say nothing of sales before
that-but just simply during the four
months and half ending March Is,
I
and copies of that book Niney five
thOusandi Think of that Average
four dollars q copy, say. It's nearly
! four hundred thousand dollars, my
son. / get halfw
''The suffering Moses! I'll set that
down. Fourteen-seven-fi fifty eight
two hundred. Total, say-well, up
on my word, the grand total is about
two hundred and thirteen or fourteen
thousand dollars, Is that possible ,"
'Possible! Ifthere's any mistake
it's the other way. Two hundred and
| fourteen thousand, cash, is my income |
| for this year if ] know how to cipher?r
Then the gentleman got up to GO
| IL came over me most uncOmfOrtably |
| that maybe had made my revelation |
for nothing, besides being flatIered |
into stretching them considerably by |
the strangers astOnished cXelama-
/ tions. But no; at the last moment |
the gentleman handed me large en- !
velOpe and said it contained his adj 1
vertisement; and that / would find /.
out all about his business in it.
As soon as he was gone, ! opened (
his advertisement / studied it at T.
| tentively for four minutes. | then |
"HOld me while / faint. Let Maria /
| turn the hatter-eakes."
BYE and bye, when come to, sent 1
down to the rum mill on the corner /
and hired an artist by the week TO sit I.
up nights and curse that stranger, and !.
give me lift occasionally in the day
| time when ] came to hard place.
All, what a miscreant he wasi His /
/ Advertisements was nothing i'm the /
world but a wicked tax return.
1t was plain that the stranger had I
/ enabled me 20 make an ass of myself. /
It was very, Very plain, and / went /
out and hired another artist. BY 4
working on my vanity the stranger /
/ had seduced me into declaring an in I
come of S214,OO0. BY law, 81 600 of /
this was exempt from income tax
| the only relief could see, and it was
only drop in the ocean. At the le-
| cal five per cent. / must pay over to
1 the government the appalling sum of
ten thousand six hundred and fifty
dollars, income tax.
I may remark, in this place, that ] Z
I did not do it.
am acquainted with very Opu-
| lent man, whose house is a palace,
whose table is regal, whose Outlays
| are enormous, yet a man who has no
| income, as / have often noticed, by
the revenue returns; and to him /
went for advice, in my distress. He
/ took my dreadful exhibition of re-
ceipts, he put on his glasses, he took
I his pen, and presto II was pauper,
| 1t was the neatest thing that ever was
He did it simply by deity manipu-
lating the bill of 'fDEDUCTIONs." He
set down my "State, national and mU-
nicipal taxes" at so much; my Gloss
O. by shipwreck, fire, etc, at so much;
nv "lOsses on sales Of real estate"-
ON Tive stock sOld'-on payments
/ for rent Of homestead" on "repairs,
l improvements interest'-On "pre-
viOusly taxed salary as all officer of
I the United States army, navy, reve-
nue. service" and other things. He
got astonishing deductions" out Of
each and every one of these matters
each and every one of them And
when he was done, he handed me the
paper, and / saw at a glance that du-
{ ring the year 1863 my income, in the
way of profits, had been ono thousand
tlro hundred and fifty dollars and tf-
/ ~ cents.
"Now," said he, ''the thousand dol
lars is exempt by law. What you
want to do is TO go and swear this
document in, and pay tax OH the two
hundred and fifty dollars"
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