Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-04-29
a MYSTERIOUS VISIT.
Mark Twain's Interview With the Uni-
ted States Assessor

ted States Assessor
From the Buffalo Express.
The first notice that was taken Of me
when settled down, recently, was by
gentleman who said he was an assessor. and
connected with the L. S. Internal Revenue
Department said I had never heard Of
his branch of business before, but was very
glad to see him, all the same-would he si,
DOWN. He sat down / did not know any.
thing particular to say, and yet ] felt that
people who have arrived at the dignity of
keeping house must be conversational, must
be easy and sociable in company So In
default Of anything else to say, 1 asked him
if he was opening his shop in our neighbor-
hood.
He said he was. did not wish to ap-
peal ignorant but | had hoped he would
mention what he had for sale.
] ventured to ask him "how was trade?"
and he said SO so.
/ then said we would drop in, and if we
liked his house as well as any other, we
would give him our custom.
He said be thought We would Ike bis es.
tablishment well enough to eonfne ourselves
to it-said he never saw anybody who would
go off aud hunt up another man in his line
after trading With him once
That sounded pretty compIacent. but
barring that natural expression of villainy
which we all have, the man looked honest
enough.
l do not know how it came about, exact
ly, but gradually we appeared to melt down
and run together, conversatioually speaking,
and then everything went along as comfort
ably as cloekwork
We talked, and talked, and talkel-at
least did. And we laughed, and laughed,
and laughed-at least he did But all the
time, had my presence of mind about me
I had my native shrewdness turned on
full head, as the engineers say. I was
determined to find all about his business, in
spite Of bis obscure answers-and l was de-
iermined | would have it out of him with
out his suspecting what l was at l meant
to trap him with deep, deep ruse.
would tell him all about my business, and
he would naturally so warm to NE during
this seductive burst of confidence ihat be
would forget himself and tell me- all about
bis affairs before he suspected what was
about ! thought to myself, Ny son, you
little know what an old fox you ere dealing
with. said
Now you never could guess what made
Iecturing, this winter and last Spring r.
"No-don't believe could to save me.
Let me see let me see. About two thous-
and dollars maybe? But no-no, sir;
know you couldn't have made that much.
Say seventeen hundred, maybe ?"
''Ha ha knew you couldn't My lee
turing receipts for last Spring and this Win
ter were fourteen thousand seven hundred
and fifty doHars-what do you think Of
I that.
"Why it is amazing perfectly amazing.
/ viii make a note of it. And you say even
/ this wasn't all ?"
"All? Why bless you there was my in
come from the Buffalo Express for foul
montbs-about-ab what should
you say to about eight thousand dollars, for
instance?"
Say Why | should say should ike to
| see myself rolling in just such another ocean
/ Of influence. Eight thousand III make 8
note of it. Why, man and on top of al
this I am to understand that you bad still
more income p
'Ha-ha ha Why, you're only in thc
suburbs of it, so to speak, There's my
book, 'The Innocents Abroad" price S3
| 50 10 $5, according to the binding Lister
to me. Look me in the eye During tht
last four months and half, saying nothing
of sa'es before that-but just simply during
the four months and half ending Marcel
Is, 1870, we've sold ninety five thousand
copies of that book Ninety-fve thousand
Think oft. Average four dollars a copy
It's nearly s400, 600. my son. get halfr
''The suffering Mosesl III set that down
Fourteen-seyen ffty-eight-two hundred
Total, say-well, upon my word, the gran'
total is about Two hundred and thirteen 0
fourteen thousand dollars Is that posi-
bic ?"
Possible If there any mistake It's th
other way Two hundred and fourteel
thousand, cash, is my income for this yea
| if know how to cipher.
Then the gentleman got up to 60. ]
| came over me most uncOmfortably that may
be had made my revelations for nothing
besides being Hattered into stretching theI
considerably by the strangers astonishe
exclamations. But no; at the last momer
the gentleman handed me large enveloI
and said it contained his advertisement
and that | would find out al about his bus
{ ness in it; and that he would be happy
have my custom would in fact be proud
have the custom of man of such prodieo'
! income; and that he used to think the
! we're several wealthy men in Buffalo, b