The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-12-06
II U M oRoUs EMS

gag- AS specimen of short letters the
following are hard to beat:
Dear son, come home-a rolling
stone gathers no moss. Your affectionate
mother" Dear mother, | won't come
home-a setting hen never gets fat.
Your affectionate son."
R6s~ John was thought to be very
stupid He was sent to mill one day,
and the miller said " John, some people
say you're fool Now. tell me what you
do know, and what you don't know"
=" Well, replied John, {" know that the
miller's hogs are fat" Yes, that's well,
John Now, what don't you know ?" "I
don't know whose corn fattens 'em."
sas~ A good story is told of a physician
who was called upon to visit sick man,
after he had himself taken drop or two
too much. Arrived at the bedside he
fumbled over his patient little, and at
last got hold of his own pulse which he
felt for minute or two, and then, with
customary medical gravity remarked,
Well, there's nothing much matter wi
you-only little drunk Jist got bed'n
sleep little'n you'll be all right?'
4as~ A lawyer who was some times for
getful, having been engaged to plead the
cause of an offender, began by saying: II
know the prisoner at the bar, and he
bears the character of being most con-
summate and impudent scoundrel Here
somebody whispered to him that the
prisoner was his client when he immedi-
ately continued: But what great and
good man ever lived who was not calum-
mated by many of his contemporaries ?"
S@- An inquisitively inclined gentle
man, OF Chester, Conn, was the other
day walking over the Valley railroad at
Haddem, and observed singular-looking
flask lying under a tree. To satisfy his
curiosity, he picked it up and looked at
it; held it up and smelled it; and finally
shook it, and asked boy who seemed to
have charge, What is it?" "Only Nj
tro-Glycerine !" The flask was noticed to
be very gently laid down, and a man was
also seen vanishing in the distance.
1G- A young married couple in a west
ern town lately began Housekeeping, and
the first purchases of the head of the fam
ly at grocery were Five cents worth of
soda, five cents worth of salt, two cents
worth of pepper, one cents worth of
chewing-gum and twelve cents worth of
soap. The bill amounted to twenty-five
cents, and was paid by the young Benedict
in specie, and as he left the store he re-
marked to the clerk that keeping house
was cheaper than boarding"
D% "Wall," the old lady began, "my
dear, some people have very curious no
.tions about gettin' religion. There's nv
neighbor, Deacon Jake Snifin, who's ma
kim fortune a tradin' horses. Wall, he
thought he'd 'sperienced a change of
heart, but he didn't want to 'sperience a
change of business. That was touchin'
a tender pint-might interfere with pro-
fits, you know. So he thought he'd con-
suit with Deacon Aminidab Tweedle, who
kept store and did up the sugar and whis-
ky over night. Now look a here; YOU
dom s'pose Brother Tweedle,' he began
drawling the words through his nose
you DON s'pose them little stories, sort
O lies like, that you and / tell in the way
of trade, will be reckoned up again us at
the day O Judgement? Sarcumstanced
as We air, we can't help it, you know
don't s'pose it'll make no difference at
all in the sight o the Lord, longs the
hearts all right; now does it, brother
Tweedle 7" w