Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-07-01
FL HEREOF.


Tuneful Lyre-thc music teacher WHO
broke his engagement. II
What is ity you must keep after giving it
to another? Your word
Rations that one can seldom live upon
aspirations
An American wants to lease Vesuvius
and set up soda fountain near the crater.
FUnion is not always strength as the
sailor said when he saw the purser mixing
the rum with water $50, $500
A man may be properly said to have been
drinking like fish when he finds that he
has taken enough to make his head swim
Why is a young lady. just left boarding
school, like building committee Because
she is ready to receive proposals
Politeness is like an air cushion--there
may be nothing in it, but it eases jolts won
derfully.
An Gus e laborer being killed by a
lump Of ice falling on his head, the verdict
was. Died of hard drink
The most bashful girl ever heard of was
one who blushed when she was asked if she
had not been counting sleep.
Why is ! the happiest of the vowels p
Because is in the midst of bliss, is in
hell, and all the others are in purgatory
The bachelors refrain-a-lass The mai
denis refrain ,ah-men Let them no longer
refrain. ~
A sentimental youth says he prefers hang
ing on the neck to hanging by the neck, but
that both are dangerous.
Cards and birthstone make the best match
cs, as the clergyman said when he married
gamester to shrew
Beauties often die old maids They set
such value to themselves that they don't
find purchaser before the market is closed.
There were not righteous people enough
in sodom to save it, out there was pretty
good Lot
Anna Story was recently married to Rob.
ert Short. A very pleasant way Of making
d Story Short
A young lady on being asked what call
ing she wished her sweetheart to follow,
blushingly replied that she wished him to be
a husbandman.
Three things as good as their better
dirty water to extinguish fire, an ugly wife
to blind man and woodsn sword to a
coward.
MY dear DOCTOR said a lady, L suffer a
great deal with my eyes BE patient, mad
am, he replied, you would probably suffer
great deal more without them.
Bill, you young scamp, if you had your
dues you'd get a good whipping L know
it, daddy, but bills are not always paid when
DUE
Mother, this book you gave me tells about
the angry waves of the ocean. Now what
makes TIE ocean get SO angry ? Because it
has been crossed so often, my SON.
If you want to cure a scolding wife, never
fail to laugh at her with ali your might until
no quack medicine .-.
The Cleveland Herald thinks the marriage
service should lie changed to read-Wbo
dares take this woman? and the groom shall
answer: dare.
ssueer how the same thing sometimes pro-
duees opposite results. A child is tickled
with straw; grown soothed with one
when one end is in cobbler.
4 learned doctor referring to tight lacing,
ayers that it is Il public benefit, inasmach as
it kills all the foolish girls and leaves all the
wise ones to grow up to be women. .
The New York Standard thinks the reason
there are so many mutton heads in existence
is, because such number of children are
perfect little lambs
An Irishman. eating his first green corn,
handed the waiter the cob, andasked will
yes please put some more banes upon me
stick 2 -..f
An old sailor passing through grave
yard. saw on one of the tombstones. 4 still
live 1t was toe much for Jack, and shifting
MS qud, he CALCULATED, We'll, I've heard
say that there are cases in which man may
lie; but If I were dead I'd own it!
Two California BARRIERS quarreled and ar
ranged d duel. They we've to walk around
block in opposite directions, and eacl, vas to
lire at sight Of his antagonist. They started,
and is soon as tAe block interviewed each took
the shortest cut for home, complaining that
his adversary did not come to time.
A Western editor relates that he once
stopped at restaurant in Washington, and
noticing that the waiter was uncommonly So
Der, asked him if he was sick. Yes very
CURLY. I is What's the matterY .Why.
sir, WasEington's the wus place ever I see.
When it's dry you can't see where you're
gwine, and when its wet you can't go.
Stranger, willy try hand with us at
poker?'
'Jhank you gentlemen, but there are
seventeen reasons why cannot accommo-
date you just now
Seventeen reasons for not playing cardsp
Pray. what are they?
"Why. the first is, [ haven't any money
- 'Stopl That's enough. Never mind the
the other sixteen.
Little Sissie had been doing something
which her mamma had told her she mustn't
do. She had been eating currants, and. of
course, got her mouth all stained. That's
the way she got found out. Her mother said,
You know you were forbidden to eat cur
rants!v But mother, Satan tempted mel
4Why didn't you say, get thee behind me,
Satan!' I did say, get thee behind me, Sa-
tan, and he went and got behind me, and
pushed me right into the eurrapt bushes |