The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1870-11-12
1'H Il PR e q 8 /.
Petroleum Y. in Search Of
the Man of Sim


Zen, ;s tha worst. He who stands as perpen-
dicnIarv as the letter !, with an exclamation
,,o,,t afier IL TO call attention to it, is an I'M
nitieated nuisance in society.
Earnest merit is always retiring and shrink
ing, which explains why am SO little known.
Laughter.
In order that we may start together, must
refer to myself, and | shall do it with that
modesty tor which George Francis Train and
l are SO justly celebrated. Laughter.
became good boy very young. Laugh
teri [ early read of the cherry tree by George
Washington, and l determined that no boy
like George Washington should'excel me even
if he did come to be President.
l therefore cut down the NEST valuable
tree l could find upon my fathers farm; tore
up the roots and burned the branches. But
there was difference between my father and
George Washington. He asked if did it, |
replied, 81 cannot tell lie;' and placed my
self in the appropriate attitude for him to shed
tears easily over me-but he didn't shed
Laughter. He used birch switch upon me
until was in state of exasperating rawness
llaughterl, and he remarked that he had
rather had told thousand lies than cut
down that particular tree laughter, and in
future l should exercise my virtues upon less
valuable materials.
showed my patriotism in the late war by
not going to the front when l was drafted,
but sending a substitute, testimonial oil
which have from the government. Laugh
ter
was prominent man in village in Yer
mont of 600 Inhabitants and man need not
be much to be of importance in village Of
that size. l made living in various ways,
raising thousand-dOllar sheep and selling them
to Western farmers, as is the custom of the
Eastern nations. Laughter
/ was moral and upright man devoid of
sin. In fact, so good was that the presence
of wickedness, even at a distance, worried me,
and therefore started out gin search of a
man of SIM" did not go to the Cannibal Is
lands, where murder is licensed and sin is uni
versal, nor to Paris tor he that starts in search
OF sin, and understands 1he subject, purchas-
es ticket, for New York. Laughter 1t
has been stated that this was the place of
"original SIM" but do not SO regard it; but I
believe that city is where you can get the i'm
proved article. Laughter
l went to this city and wished friend to
show me the largest specimen ofsin they had,
and the chaperone hesitated as to whether he
would show me Wall-street broker, DEM
ocratic politician, an alderman, or q burglar,
laughter, because he thought it was an even
thing between them.
visited the manager of railroad. found
him specimen of innate vilainy, amusing
himself with the ballet girls of an opera house,
and retiring to rest al night to concoct new
schemes OF villainy for the morrow. And vet
this man is courted and Toasted by all classes:
judges sit down at his table, and New York is
proud that she owns him.
Visits were paid in detail to Vanderbilt to
Wall street, and Water street, and saw sin
in all its phases. l saw Congressman selected
from the prize-riug. Before was there four
days wanted to steal something Ilaughterl,
could lie like a telegraphic despatch (laughterl
and thought had better 20 to some other
city. A description was then given by the
lecturer ola visit to Washington, and the cor
ruption which was seen in high places
My soul was debilitated bv the sin had
inhaled, and desired moral tonic. there
lore went to Trenton, N. j., believing that
members of the rural districts had no desire
to sin. soon found that if the law which
requires japanese official to commit suicide
for political depravaty was enforced in New
Jersey, the Legislature would never have a
quorum. Laughter.
saw Legislator who was approached on
the subject OF gigantic monopoly. At one
hundred dollars he was positive it was an
outrage upon the community. At two hun
dreo ne was sure 1t was monopoly; at three
hundred it was an injury to the State: at
four hundred it might not iujure the State.
but would not be advisable. at five hundred
ne was convinced that it was decided bene-
mt, and he voted with laundering yea for
petrators OF all this iniquity brought to ac-
count?" he asked. "No," was the answer.
nrm IN the belief that mankind is divided
anto Two classes, raScals and nipnies. thew
march on confident and secure. They fleece
the sn% total ad d 81 with the rascas which
Al my lite have occupied neusTa aion IL.
tion on the woman question. / have been
what might be called radical conservative.
have been told that man was always better
tor having met a woman. l crushed them BY
asking If Adam was better for having met
Eve.
I was told that woman could never keen
a secret crushed them by asking Tor the
name and postofice address of any woman
VINO ever divulsed her age, or acknowledged
that her teeth or hair were false.
found, however, that woman could he
wicked and false, and that when they were so
they did it with smoothness and grace that
made 1t all the more dangerous because of its
STYLE. found they would trife and deceive
especiany wnere the stronger sex was con-
cerned, and never knew Gut one that did
not defend the practice, and she was not the
pelie OF her native village, and had never had
an oher OF any description. | found thev
were vain, and would sit for hours at win
dow to attract the attention of a fop. with a
moustache like baseball club-nine hairs
on side. Laughter]
'o"l'ui eNiuenceS OF their capacity for
creating trouble. l knew girl who sued
bachelor who was rich for breach of promise:
she was engaged to poor young man. She
made love to the judge and jury, and promis-
ed to marry every one of them. The Judge
demolished the gay Lothario in his charge.
and the jury each had an interest in the YER
dict, for it would be her dowry; but when it
came TO be enforced, she married the poor
young man, and it was discovered the old
bachelor had specialized in gold, and was not
worth dollar in the world.
have seen women with chicnons lar~er
than themselves. Laughter / found that
they used dress for purposes of ornamental
lion, and not to protect the body from the
elements. lwept over all these sins and re-
I"rned to my native village, where, thought,
can lay my head on the pillow for once
where there is no sin. found Deacon Seth
Robinson in pursuit of busness-rich and
sixty. 1t was no use to him after he is dead.
Tor il he could take it with him, where he will
go it would melt. Laughter The sin of
money-getting with him is no less than ayar
ice, and yet his business is increasing, see
but little difference between him and others
OF larger means-they grasp dollars and he
grasps pennies.
saw him give five dollars to a man who
fell and broke his leg on the sidewalk. NV
heart warmed toward him, but was much
chilled when discovered that it ended in
hole. He had paid twice the amount to the
village editor 10 have it circumstantially re-
ported in the papers.
-. saw the village poetess, authoress of spir-
ltual hymns. | discovered that she would
write bacchanalian songs just as soon as
spiritual ones, if they gave her the same no.
=, turned for relief to the elders. found |
them working on the adage of the Oualker
whenever you have a bad horse to trade mt
on your broadcast brim hat. turned to The
Rev. Nathan Black, who drank his whiskev |
straight and had red nose, aud when re-. |
preached with it, he said he drank no water
for fear of the dropsy. had gone abroad in
search of sin, and returning home found that |
1t existed under my very nose.
In my village heard the political orator |
speak in a way that convinced me thht he |
was without sin. rushed to him and said. |
u must congratulate you on your senti,
ments," but never got any further. He left
me for the village tavern to meet his com
mlttee, ascertained that he spent his mon
ey freely, and by the time he secured the
otner counties in his district he would have
spent every dollar he had. >''>' -.''0
uncovered him as bad man. and also |