Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-02-04
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weary in running on loves errands.
A CHARM- Whisper ice cream, in a girls
ear and she is with you.
''MR. BRowS, papa wants to know if you
won't take skiif and scall mamma across
the river ?" NO but tell your papa if it will
be any favor. I'll take an axe and scull him. -
DuRIxe a trial the other day, a constable,
testifying with regard to lady, said: i
know nothing Of her but what women say Of
one another, and that is not worthy Of belief.
"KATY, have you laid the table cloth and
plates yet?r
"An sure, have. housekeeping butshe
eggs and isn't that Biddys work?''
A FEMALE school teacher, in her advertise
ment, stated that she was Complete mistress
Of her own tongue. ''If that's the case"
said a caustie old bachelor, tshe cannot ask
too much for her services.
"MoTHER can I go andhave my photograph
takea?''
''Noi it isn't worth while.
''Well, then, you might let me go and have
my tooth pulled-I never go anywhere
Ar one of the ragged schools in Ireland,
clergyman asked the question, "What is
holiness A pupil, in dirty tattered rags;
jumped up and said, PHASE yer riverence,
it's to be elane inside
Two women were in one Of tie Yorkville
cars the other day. They we're not quite
clear on the subject of their destination, when
one Of them cried out;-''The fool doesn't
know where she is going and 1 am following
her,
SIS ANYBODY waiting on you, Miss?n said
polite dry goods clerk to young girl from
the country.
'l.es, sir, said the b.ishing damsel that's
my fellow outside. He wouldn't come in. -
"OH, mother, do send for the doctor!"
said little boy of three years.
"What tor, my dear?"
why, there's man in the parlor who
says he'll die if Jane don't marry him-and
Jane says she won't
''WHAr do you use to make yourself look
so delieate? said one young woman with an
eruption on her face to another, who looked
like the departed.
"Why, said she, sometimes eat slate
pencils aud chalk, and then for change,
drink vinegar and chew green tea. When
these fail, lace tighter, and wear the thin.
nest shoes I can buy.
vor-,-e e,ar,1.r,o,, ~. 90. -tlz1.. r
ter having paid his addresses to lady for
some time, popped the question" The
lady, in trighted manner, said, ''You scare
me, sir" The gentleman did not wish TO
frighten the young lady, and consequently
remained quiet Cor some time, when she ez-
claimed ''seare me again" This time it was
the geutleman's turn to get scared.
A MIRACLE OF HoSEsrY.-At party one
evening, several contested the honor Of hsv
ing done the most extraordinary thing;
reverend gentleman was appointed Judge of
their respective pretensious.
One produced his tailor's bill, with re-
eeipt attached to it. A buzz went thro the
room that this could not be outdone, when,
A second proved that he had just arrested
his tailor for money that was lent him.
The palm is his, was the generous cry,
when third put in his claim
Gentlemen, said he, 'I cannot boast Of
the feats of my predecessors, but have re-
turned the owners two umbrellas that they
left at my house"
"I'll hear no more ~ cried the astonished
arbitrator. This is the very acme Of homes.
ty, it is an act of virtue of which I never knew
any one capable Of The prize
"Holdp cried another. 81 have done still
more than that !"
Impossible cried the whole company.
Let us hear.
Il have taken my paper for twenty years
and have paid for it every year in advance"
He took the prize.
ELEVEN TURKEY s.-Friend Jerry" is
a good-natured civil fellow, who attends to
his business and provides well for his fami-
y, but has one little failing, in this, that
when he goes to his home in the suburbs at
night, he is usually more or less under the
influence of eontrabaud fluids. One night.
a little after dark, he started for home with
nice turkey, safely done up in a strong
wrapping paper, under his arm. Jerry
found the road from the station to his pret-
ty cottsgc, some half a mile distant, uncom-
monty rough that night. He several times
stumbled and fell over all sorts of obstruc.
,ions in thei path Each time he fell he
dropped his turkey, but cootriyed to pick it
up again. On entering his house, be stead
led himself as well as he was able, and said
10 his wife;
Here, wiey, I've got leven turkeys for
you.
Eleven turkeys, Jerry What do you
mean? There's only one
There must be leyen turkeys, wifey, for
| fell down 'leven times, and every time |
founla turkey. There n,ust be 'leyen tur-
key.