The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-05-03
Il U NJ oRoUS IT E MS.


Dsly' A sentence of forgiveness in five
letters,-l ~ u.
p9S" If you eat ham in three days,
how long will it take you to eat q couple
Of hammers?
1G5~ An Illinois grave-digger- who
buried man named Button, sent bill
to his widow as follows TO make one
Button-hole, $3.50"
Dz3@ Drinkiug-glasses were made for
men, and looking glasses ior women.-
Both make the head unsteady, one with
liquor and the other with vanity.
1@2-'" Blood relations? ? Why, they
are near relatives, my son" -" Then,
mother" replied the boy, alter musing a
while, g. you must be the bloodiest relative
I've got"
I55" A poor man being ill., on being
asked by II gentleman whether he had
taken any remedy, replied, "no, L amt
taken any remedy, but I've taken lots Of
physic."
E@g" A certain doctor used to cook
into medicines all sorts Of roots and herbs
and then try them on his wife. If they
didn't kill her, he was ready for his other
patients.
G@3" " That bed is not long enough
for me, said very tall, grulf old En-
gllshman, upon being ushered into his
bedroom by an irish waiter at one Of our
hotels. Faith, an youIl fad it is plen-
ty long, sir, when you get into it," was
the reply; " for then tnereI be two feet
more added to it," Exit Pat, with a
boot fetching up the rear.
Ba5- " Now, then, Joseph, parse court
ING" said teacher Of u rather slow boy.
" "Courtiug is an. irregular active transitive
verb, indicative mood, present tense,
third person, and singular number, and SO
on, said the boy. Well, but what
does it agree with % demanded the teach
er. 1t agrees with aU The giriS in
to~n," Joseph exclaimed triumphantly.
D7" A gentleman was chiding his son
for staying out late at night, and said:
" Why, when L was Of your age, my
father would not allow me to go out of
the house after dark"
Then you had deuce of father,
you had, - sneered the young proAigate.
The father yociferated II had con-
founded sight better one than you, you
young rascal"
p@y" An Irishman entered photograph
gallery in New Haven recently and wanted
to get picture Of his wife. Not seeing
such parsonage present, the IN an in at
tendance asked where he had left his
lady, to which he replied, "Shure, an
she's dead. ButHll give yer her descrp-
:lon and yer can just take it from that
She was five feet four inches high, had
black hair, full checks, was bow-leggsd
and had most excellent disposition"
Da7~ Extract from Josh Billings Dia-
ree.-Frid0y-visited my washerwoman,
and blowed her up for sewing ruffles and
tucks onto the bottom ov my drawers
She was thunderstruck at fust, but ex-
planned the mystery by saying she had
" sent me pair by mistake that belong
to Miss o." | blushed like billed
lobster, and told her she couldn't be TOO
keerful about sch things. 1 might hev
been ruined for life.
RG5~ An honest old darkey, whose ex-
pectations of getting forty acre planta-
ton and a domestic jackass, for voting
the Radical ticket, were entirely sincere,
now goes back on his friends in this wise
" Dem carpct-baggain' scallawag fellers,
dey tell us dar war pervisions in the Con-
stitution for we collad folks, but dat was
IL lie-dem pervsions didn't come. Fore
God, massa, amt seen de fust mouthful."
An honest farmer in the State of Penn
sylVania married miss from fashiona
bic boarding-school for his second wife,
He was struck dumb with her elouuence,
and gaped with wonder at his wifes learn
ing. "You might" said he, "bore a
hole through the airth, chuck in mill