The Manitowoc tribune. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1866-1878, 1870-12-01
JOSH BILLINGS.
Extracts from His Fathers Alninax

Whenever yu see a flock of geese all
standing Oh one leg, except the old gan
der, and he chawing his cud, look out for
| a southwest wind tomorrow, or the next
day, or the day after, or at some fewter
| time. Whenever dogs are seen travel
ing around with nothing to do, and old
maids refuse their tea, and hop vines
| won't kiimb, and grindstores won grind
| then you may expect little crop OF oats,
| and beans Won pay for harvesting.
WANTED. Wanted several fust class
young men with mustash. to hang around
the vestib9les ov different churches in
Amerika and stare at the females as they
pass out. Yung men who understand
the use of tobacco preferred. No yung
man accepted who kant stare the buttons
oph from military coat at twenty PAGES.
This is rare chance for yung men Of
real genius. Salary payable weekly. Re
ferences exchanged.
The cockroach IL a bug at large. He
IL one OF the luXuries CIV civilizashun.
The cockroach IL born on the fust OF May
and the fust ov November semi annually,
and IL reddy for use in fifteen days from
date. They are born four from each egg,
and consequently they are all twins; there
IL no SIGH thing in the annals of nature
as q single cockroach. Their food seems
to consist not so much of what they eat,
as what they can't git into, and [ often
find them ded in the soup in mi boarding
house. l have cum to the painful con-
clushun thai the cockroach can't SWIM
but be kan hoat for q long time
To make good sharp pickles. white
oph both ends Of them to pint.
Blessed are those who have no eye for
a key-hole.
few freshen salt mackerel, tow him
one summer behind a steam boat.
1t IL human to err, but deVilish to
brag on 1t.
A gentleman il a gentleman the world
over; ii IL only the loafers that differ.
10 learn a deg to follow, tie him tew
the hind end Of an express train.
To get rid Of cockroaches, sell yure
house and lot, and flee to the mountains
Il dog IL the Only thing on this earth
that luves w more than he luves himself
Opinyuns are ike turnips, worth what
they will fetch.
Courage without discreshun IL like a
ram with horns cn both ends-he will
hav more fights on hand than he kan do
justiSs to.
When you find man who IL very So
lisitus about the welfare ov everybody VI
kan safely put him down az one vino is
hunting for misfortune.
Don't undertake two iv with yure
mother in-law. but if wuss Gums tew wuss-
ness, let yure mother-in law liv with VI.
Lazyness IL a good deal like money
the more a man haz ov it. the more he
seems teW want.
Gravity IL no more posatiff evidence
ov Wlsdum than q paper collar liz ov q
shirt
Every time man lafTs ne takes a kink
out ov the chain ov life, and thus length
ems it.
a coquette in love IL az tame az a bot
tie ov pop that has stood sum time with
the cork pulled cut.
don't kno ov emmy thing more re-
morseess on the face CIV the earth than
seven per cent. interest.
10 make boarding house hash, take a
little oy everything, . good deal Of Meth
Ing, and throw ii chunk ov something !;
jam to a mux, cook over bold IRE,
season with hair pins, and serve up on
the jump.
Three skore years and ten IL man s
iurlo, and it IL enuf-if man kant suf-
Ter all the misery he wants in that time,
he must be dumb.
" hat men kant dew they are very apt
to admire-they don't criticize a noun
tain bekase they kant make enc.
There's nothing Ike a sick bed for re-
pentaDce-a man bekums so yirtewous
be will often repent oY sins that he new
er committed
Crate 5ransgreshuns seem tew baDtize
themselfs-if the devil only had been
guilty OF petit larceny, he never would
have been heard OF again.
The man who won t believe emmy tiinr
he kant see, ain so wize az a mule, for
they viii kick at a thing in the dark.
Whenever q minister has preached 9
sermon that pleazes the whole congrega-
shun, he probably has preached one that
the lord won't endorse.
One ov the hardest things for emmy
man tew do IL tew fall down on the ice
when it is wet, and then git up and praze
the Lord.
Sekrets are kussid poor property emmy
how ii you circulate them yu ioze them,
and II yu keep them yu loze the interest
on the investment