The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1870-10-13
CHAMBERMAIDS.
AN ESSAY BY MARX TWAIN

Against all chambermaids, of what
soever age or nationality, | launch the
curse Of Bachelordom
Because -
They always put the pillows at the
opposite end of the bed from the gas
burner, so that while you read and
smoke before sleeping, Gas is the ancient
and honored custom Of BACHELORS you
have to hold your book aloit in an un.
comfortable position, to keep the light
from dazzling your eyes. .-c~ p
When they find the pillows removed
to the other end of the bed in the morn.
ing, they receive not the suggestion in a
friendly spirit. but gloryipg in their alb
solute sovereignty and Implying your
helplessness, they make the bed just as
it was originally, and gloat in secret
over the pangs their tyranny will cause
you.
Always after that, when they find
you have transposed the pillows, they
undo your work and thus defy you,
and seek to embitter the life that God
hath given you
If they cannot get the light in an in
convenient position in any other way,
they move the bed.
If you pull your trunk out six inChe,
from the wall, so that the lid will stay
up when you open it, they always
shove that trunk back again. They do
it on purpose.
Ii YOU want the spittoon in a certain
spot, where twill be handy, they do
not. And so they move it,
They always put your other boots
into inaccessible places They chiefly
enjoy depositing them as far under the
bed as the wall will permit. 1t is be-
cause this compels you to get down in
an undignified attitude, and make wild
sweeps for them in the dark with the
bootjack, and swear
They always put the match box in
some other place They huntup new
place for it every day; and put bottle
or some other perishable thing, where
the box was before This is to cause
you to break that glass thing cropping 10
the dark, and get yourself into trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the
furniture. When you come in, in the
night, you can calculate on finding the
bureau where the wardrobe was in the
morning; if you leave the slop bucket
by the door and the rocking chair by the
window, when you come in at midnight,
or thereabout you will fall over the
rocking chair, and you, will proceed to
the window and sit down in the slop
tub. They like that.
No matter where you put anything,
they are not agoing to let 1t stay there.
They will take it and move it the first
chance they get. 1t is their nature
And besides, it gives them pleasure to
be mean and contrary this way.
They would die if they couldn't be
villains.
They always save up all the old
scraps of printed rubbish you throw on
the floor, and stack them up carefully
on the table, and then start the fire
with your valuable manuscripts. If
there is any one particular old scrap
and which you are gradually wearing
your life out trying to get rid Of you may
take all pains You possibly can in that
direction. but it won't be of any use,
because they will always fetch that old
scrap back and put it in the same place
again every time. 1t does them good
And they use more hair oil than any
six men. If charged with purloining
the same, they lie about it. What do
they care about hereafter Absolute
" nothing.
They keep always coming to make
mp your bed before you get up, thus
destroying your rest and inflicting agony
upon you, hut after you get up they don t
come any more until the next day.
They do all the mean things they can
think of, and they do them out Of pnre
cussedness, and nothing else.
] have cursed them in behalf OF
outraged Bachelordom. They deserved
it. II | can get bill through the
next Legislature abolishing chamber
maids | mean to do it.