The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-01-07
JOSH B%ILLlNGsGATE.



Dear girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband2
This Ia q pumper, and yu are not requir-
ed tew say Yes out loud, but are expekt-
ed tew throw yure eyes down intothe earth,
az tho 20 " a lookin for a pin, and reply
tew the interrogation With a kind of drawd-
in sigh, az tho yu Ia eating an oyster,
juice and all, Of from the half shell.
Not tew press 30 tender q theme until II
becomes a thorn in the flesh, we will pre-
sumo Qtew avoid argument) that yu are on
the lookout fur sumthin in the male line
few boost yu in the uphill ov life, and tew
keep his eyes on the britching when yu
begin tew 90 down the other side ov the
mountain. Let me give yu sum small
chunks ov advice how tew spot yure future
husband:
1. The mar who IL iellous ov every lit
tie attenshun which yu git from sun other
fellow, yu will find, after W are married
tew him, luvs himself more than he duz
yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu
will diskover, haz changed into indifer-
enoe. Jealousy isn't heart disease; it IL a
liver complaint.
2. Amustash II not Indispensable, IL IL
only q little more hair, and IL o good deal
like moss and other excressenc often
DUE the best on sile that won't raize emmy
thing else. Don't iorgit that those things
which yu admire in q fellow before mar
riage, yu will probably hay tew admire in
a husband after, and q mustash will git tew
be very weak diet after a long time.
3 II husbands could be took on trial, NJ
Irish cooks are, tow-thirds ov them would
probably be returned; but there don't
seem tew be envy Law fur this. -Tharefore
girls, yu will see that after yu git o man,
you have got tew keep him, even II you
lose on him. Consequently, If yu have got
emmy cold Uttles in tho house try him on
them, once In q while, during securing
season, aud If he swallers them well, and
SEE he will take sum more, he IL n man
who, when Blue Monday Gums will wash
we'll.
4 Don't marry o pheller who is alwuz a
telling how his mother duz things. II IL
az hard tew suit theze men az IL IL tow
wean a yung one
g. fla yung man kan beat yu playing
on q pianner, and kant hear q ish-horn
playing in the street without turning a back
summsrsett ON account ov the musick that
is in him, / say strip him; he might answer
tew tend babe, but If yu set him a hoeing
out the garden, yu will find that yu hay got
tew do II yurself. A man whose whole
heft lies in musick land not very hefty at
luhll, hlu 7 no btlltE lOE n nuhDunu IMAM u
seedlitz powder, but If he luvs tew listen
while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will
find him mellow, and so soft. But don't
marry e~nnybody for jist che virtew emmy
quicker than yu would flop a man for iist
one fault.
8. II IL n ov the most tuffest things
fura female tew be an old maid successfully.
A great menny haz tried il, and made q bad
job ov IL. Eyrybody seems tew look upon
old maids iist as they do upon dried hlrbs
in the garrett, handy fur sickness and,
therefore, girls II amt a mistake that you
should be willing tew swop yurself oph,
with sum true phellow fur a true husband.
The swop IL n good one, but don't swop fur
emmy man who IL respectable iist because
IL father il Yu had better be an old maid
fur 4 thousand years, aud then Join the
Shakers. Thar tew buy repentance ut this
price. No woman ever made this trade
who didn't git either a phool, a mean cuss
or q clown fur n husband.
T. In digging down into this subject, /
find the digging grows harder the furtherI
git. It IL much easier tew inform yu who
not to marry, than who tew, fur the reason
thare il more ov them.
Idon't think yu will foller mi advice, if /
Civ II; and therefore i will keep it, for /
look upon advice as ! do upon castor ile-a
mean dose tew give, and q mean dose tew
take.
But must say one thing. girls, or spilo.
If yu kan find a bright-eyed, healthy and
well.ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty
az sassy az a child looks upon wealth. who
had rather sit down on the curb.stun. in
front of the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and eat a
ham sandwich. than 10 go inside and run
in debt Tor hiz dinner and toothpick-one
who Is armed with that kind Of pluck that
makes n defeat for a victoIy-my ndviso is
to take him body and sole-snare him at
unst, fur he is a stra trout, oy Il breed very
skase in our water.
Take him, / say, and bid onto him, az
hornets bid onto q tree.