The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1870-09-29
ChambernlaIdA
AN ESSAY BY MARK TWAIN.

An ESSAY BY MARK TWAIN.
Against all chambermaids of whatever
age or nationality, launch the curse OF
bachelordom
Because:
They always put the pillows at the
| opposite end of the bed from the gas burn
er, so that while yoa read and smoke
before sleeping, (as is the ancient and
honored custom of bachelorsA you have
to hold your book aloft, in an uncomfort-
able position, to keep the light from daz>
zling your eyes.
When they find the pillow removed TO
the other end of the bed in the morning,
they receive not the suggestion in friends
ly spirit, bat glorying in their absolute
sovereignty, and IMPLYING your helpless
ness, they make the bed just as it was
originally, and gloat in secret over the
pang their tyrrany viii cause you.
Always after that, when they find YOU
have transported the pillows, they undo
your work, and thus defy you and seek
to embitter the life that God hath given
you.
If they cannot get the light in an incon-
venient position any other way, they move
the bed
If you pull your trunk about six inches
from the wall, SO that the lid will stay
mp when you open it, they always shove
that trunk back again. They do it on
purpose. If you want the spittoon in a
certain spot, where it will be handy, they
don't. And SO they move it.
They always put your other boots into
inaccessible places. They chiefly enjoy
depositing them under the bed as far as
the wall permits. 1t is because this COM
pels you to get down in an undignified at
titude and make wild sweeps for them in
the dark with the boojack, and swear.
They always put the match box in
some other place. They hunt up a new
place for it every day, and put bottle,
or other perishable. glass thing, where the
box stood before. This IS TO cause YOU
TO break that glass thing, grouping in the
dark, and get yourself into trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the
furniture. When you come in, in the
night, you can calculate on finding the
bureau where the wardrobe was in tbe
morning. And when you go out in the
morning, if you leave the slop- bucket by
the door and the rocking chair by the
window, when you come in at midnight
or thereabout, you will fall over the rock
ing chair and you will proceed toward
the window and sit down in the slop-tub.
This will disgust you. They like that
No matter where you put anything,
they are not going 10 let it stay there
They will take it and move it the first
chance they get. 1t is their nature And
besides it gives them pleasure to be mean
and contrary this way.
They would die if they couldn't be vii
lains.
They always save up all the old scraps
of printed rubbish you throw on the floor,
and stack thcm up carefully on the table,
and then start the fire with your valuable
manuscripts. If there is any one partic-
ular old scrap that you are more down on
than any other, and which you are grad
ually wearing your life out trying to get
rid of, you may take ali pains you possi~
bly, can IN that direction, but it won't be
of any use, because they will always fetch
that old scrap back and put it in the same
old place again every time. 1t does them
good.
And they use more hair oil than any
six men. If charged with purloining the
same, they lie about it, What do they
care about hereafter! Absolutely no.
thing
If you leave your key in the door for
sake, they will carry it down
to the Office and give it to the clerk =
They do this under the vile pretence of
trying to protect your property from
thieves, but actually they do it because
they want you 10 tramp back down stairs
after il when you come home tired, or
put you TO the trouble OF sending a waiter
for it, which waiter will expect you TO
pay him something. In which case l
suppose the degraded creatures divide
They keep always coming to make
your bed before you get up, thus Destroy
ing your rest and inf1icting agony upon
you, but after you get up they don't come
any more till the next day.
They do all the mean things they can
think of, and they do them out of pure
and nothing else.
Chambermaids are dead TO every hu-
man instinct
have cursed them in behalf outraged
bachelordom. They deserve it. If
can get a bill. through the Legislature
abolishing'' ''chambermaids, mean to do it.