Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1870-01-07
-
billings -AIIninax.

Josh Billings has hit upon capitol
vent for his peculiar humor, I'm the
Farmers Almlnax, which, we are
assured on the title page, contains
"all that IL necessary for an allminax
and a good deal besides.n IL IL, to
all appearance, facsimile of some
of the ancient weatherguides, sub
stituting for the usual ",igus, /" suoh
sage conclusions as these:
January 5th, perhaps rain: per.
haps not. January 10th, 18th, wealth.
er shifty; lay In yure ice. 2Sth, John
smith born for the first time.n This
date settles long disputed point In
chronology, and is only n tithe of
the information, as well as the fun,
we CLEAN from the pages of this iocose
wade mecum, which, certainly, no
farmer should be without. We se-
lect some of the best specimens OF
its wit and wisdom, promising that
IL Is issued by Carleton, in a style
that must satisfy the public as well
as the author:
Flattery is like colone water, tew
be smelt ov, not swallefed.
There IL only one good substitute
Tor the endearments of a sister, and
that IL the endearment of sum other
fellows sister.
Cheerful old girls ar the brides
maids ov society.
About the hardest thing q phellow
Kan DO liz tew spark two girls at onst
aud preserve good average.
Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but
yung purps fite and then frolic.
A big noze liz sed TO be sighn ov
genius--if a mans genius lays In hiz
noze, | should say the sighn waz u
good one,
Medicine hag cost the world more
than bread haz, aud haz killed more
than ID has cured.
Marriage tew coquette liz often
letters ov marque and reprisal.t
1T Is very difficult for poorman
tew be superior tew hiz fortune and
more diffikult for rich one.
How mennv people thare liz whoze
souls hang In them like the pith In u
goose quill.
IL you want true friend, hire him
6i the month and pay him fair
| wages. s
September liz named after "Sep.
tus," which thrashed out into Amer
kan means seven. / wouldn't take
five hundred dollars for the latin 1
know, and don't kno much nuther.
Sept. liz lakadaisikal month, mel
low az the dekayed side of pukkin,
and az sensitive az a boarding school
miss during her fust quarter In
French. Natur makes her will this
month--hogs root ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
hold convenshuns, and adjourn down
South-tree taods boost each other up
trees and warble sum anthems-katy-
dds chew music and spit it out free-
ly, and bull frogs post their books.
In shooting at a deer that looka
like q calf, always aim so as tew miss
II III IL Is calf, and to hit ID II IL is "a
deer.
In fishing for krabs, use yure fin-
gers for bait, you kan feel them when
they fust bite.
Don't fire at q humble bee on the
wing, not I'LL he settles, then take
good aim and knock him endways.
In bobbing for eels, use q raw
potato, you may not bag much cells,
but you can bag bob that va kan
hand down to ancestors untarnished.
Thare will be domestix eklipse
gvisibel only tew the naked eye)
kaused bi the new Comet Sorosis
jumping out of her pasture, and can
tering around promiskuss.
Thare will be teetotal eklipse du.
ring the whole of the Year 1870 ov
all other Allmanax throughout the
earth, upper and lower kanada. and
sum parts ov Nh Jersee, kaused bi
the immense circuIashun ov tha
Josh Billings Farmers Allminax -
Tew make a hoe kake, take hoo
and bile 10 tew thin jelly. and then
--let her kake.
Tew skin Eel, turn him inside
out and remove the meat with Jack
plane.
Tew make n hen lay two eggs a
day, reason with her; II that don't
do, threaten to chastize her liz she
don't.
lew learn yure offspring to steal.
make them beg hard for all that yu
/ Civ them,