The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-08-19
COLUMBIADS,

"BoY, what is your nane?" Robert, sir"
"Yes, but mean your other name," Bob, SIR"
THE ICELAND ShalIeup;" the alaska Refrig
orator. and the alps Icebolt," are newly in
vented summers drinks.
BHISGuAM loUNG doesn't agree with his
mother-in-law, aud she freq ucntly attacks him
in patoons.-BOStOr Post.
AN urchin being rebuked for wearing out his
stockings at the toes, replied that it couldn't be
hellcd-"toes wiggled and heels didn't"
PUNCHINELLo says the new three cent postage
stamp has n portrait Of General Washington
with General Green in the background,
SINCERITY is speaking as we think, believing
as we pretend, acting as we profess, performing
rs we PROMISE and being as we appear to be.
\ SERVANT girl in Toledo, frustrated burg
lars plans, by throwing him out of n garret
window to the sidewellS. He never recovered
from the shock.
A CLERGYMAN, coming out of the water with
"A woman he had baptised, asked her how she
felt in mind. He was not little surprised to
hear Ler answer, "Bully."
a CHICAGO man has been sent up six months
on account of an abortive attempt to steal Tup-
per's "Provsrbial Philosophy" The sentence
should have been to lunatic asylum.
a CLERK in an Erie hotel has a magnificent
scheme in view. 1t is n circular hotel, to rest
on q pivot like a locomotive turn-table The
object is to give every guest front room"
HEARING n physician remark that small
blow would break nose, rustic exclaimed:
''Well, dunno about that. I've blowed my
nose a number OF times, and never broke it
yet"
NOT having heard from the debating societies
in relation to the conundrum; "Why do hens
always lay eggs in the day time?" acontempor-
AIRY answers, "because at night they are roost-
ers."
AN nebriated man walking along the streets
at night regarded the moon with sovereign con-
tempt: 'You needn't be SO proud ole feller," he
said. you're full only once month, and am
every night"
WHY asked gOverncsS of her little charge,
"do we pray God to give us our daily bread ?
Why don't we ask for four days, or five days, or
a week % 1--WE want it fresh !" replied the i'll
genuous child.
a NOBLE red man, named John, recently set
tied in New London Conn, stands six feet two
inches in his moccasons, and his Americanized
descend ants proudly inquire, chow is that for
High Lo Jack? ?"
AS a lawyer and doctor We're walking arm in
n rm wag said to friend, "Ihese two are just
equal to one highwayman" "Why?" was the
resp onse. Because it is a lawyer and a doctor
your money or your life"
AN orator. who had raised his audience to q
great height by his lofty soarings, exclaimed
81 Will now close in the beautiful and EXPRESS
i've language OF the poet-I forget his name-and
and forget what he said, toor'
AN experienced physician has discovered, in
the course of long and varied practice, that
every one wishes to go to heaven; also, that
most people are willing to take great deal oi
very disagreeable medicine first.
A PERSONAL sketch OF Western Senator clos.
as folows "IIe can not propel himself
thr ough the muddy pool of politics at a higher
rate OF speed than that OF n rudderless pollywog
through a kettle of cold mush."
SPEAKING OF n recent gale in the vicinity OF
White Pine, Nevada, one miner remarked
"Why it's reg'lar typhoid" whereupon a
companion pat ronizingly remarked to the by
stauders, "he's an ignorant cuss, he means ty-
COON"
AN anatomical observer asserted few days
since that there W ere four hundred and eighty
nine thousand and eight hundred and ninety
one feathers on the wings of butterfly. al
don't believe it," said one of his hearers. Then
count them yourself" was the reply,
A ROBUST d.carrler in New Hampshire re.
to the third story OF Il new building, and return.
ed with it upon his shoulder to the street, where
he sold the -four for eight dollars, and received
handsome sum from the lookers-on.
AN Irishhan OF Dunmore, Pennsylvania, on
being appealed TO for his signature ON petition
for Free Cuba" exclaimed, "Ahl know what
you want you want TO annex Canady, and gil
Cuba then when there comes another draft VT
poor divils will have no place to go to- III moi
do it,"
DEAR, me-" exclaimed Stlggins, that new
surgeon gave Squantum's boy IA new lip from
the child s own cheek! What a painful opera
ton IT must have beenw "Ive had pair o
lips taden from my cheek more than once" re-
piled Mrs. Stiggins, land 1t wasn't painful OPP
alton at alln
JAKE" said blooming young lady in Indl
ana to her lover, one Sunday evening, "if you
mean business by coming here twice week
| want to know 1t, for I've Just had an offer from
another feller, and shall take him up in two
days ifyou ont pop" Jake instantly popped
and the wedding day was set.
LAWYERS have ludcrous habit of iden
tliying themselye with their clients, by speak
| ing in the plurel number. Gentlemen Of tn,
jury" said Western lawyer, lat the momen
| the policeman says he saw US in the trap vii
prove that we were locked up in the station
| house, in a state OF intoxication,"
| PITTsBURG magistrate, who unites with hi
official functions the business of an undertaken
holds court in his wareroom, and deals out jus
! tice with one hand upon plate bearing thu
| name of some person deceased, and the othe
| upon a book of orders for funerals Tn
| litigants sit upon collins while their cases ar
| being disposed Of