Fayette County herald. [volume] (Washington [Washington Court House], Fayette County, O. [Ohio]) 1860-1???, 1870-04-14

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enough to live on; and that il
truth it had been such weary
weary age since he had seen a ricI
man face to face, and talked will
him, and touched him with hi
hands, that be could hardly refrail
from embracing me--in fact woulC
esteem it a great favor if woulC
let him embrace me.
This so pleased me that ! dit
not try to resist, but allowed thi
simple hearted stranger to throw
his arms about me and weep a few
tranquilizing Cears down the bacl
of my neck. Then he went hi
way.
AS soon as he was gone,
opened his advertisement, l stud
led it attentively for four minutes
l then called up the cook and said
Hold me while l faint. lie
Maria turn the batter cakes''
Bye and bye, when | came to,
sent down to the rum mill on the
corner and hired an artist by the
week to sit up nights and curse
that stranger, and give me lift oc
casionally in the day time when ]
came to a hard place.
All, what miscreant he was i
His ADVERTISEMENT was nothing
in the world but a wicked tax-re-
turn-a string of impertinent ques,
tions about my private affairs oc-
cupying the best part Of four fools
cap pages Of fine print-questions,
| may remark, gotten up with such
marvellous ingenuity that the old
est man in the world couldn't I'M
derstand what the most of them
were driving at-questions, too,
that were calculated to make a man
report about four times his actual
income to keep from swearing to a
lie. | looked for loop hole, but
there did not appear to be any
Inquiry No. covered my case, as
generously and as amply as an um
brella could cover an ant-hill.
"What were your profits, in
1869, from any trade, business or
vocation, wherever carried on ?"
And that inquiry was backed up
by thirteen others of an equally
searching nature, the most modest
of which required information as
to whether | had committed any
burglary, or highway robbery, or
by any arson or other secret source
Of emolument, had acquired proper
ty which was not enumerated in
my statement Of income as set OPP
posite to inquiry No. l,
1t was plain that that stranger
had enabled me to make an ass of
myself. 1t was very, very plain,
and went out and hired anotl er
artist. BY working on my vanity
the stranger had seduced me into
declaring an income Of $214, ,000.-
BY law, $1,000 Of this was exempt
from income tax-the only relief l
could see, and it only was a drop
in the ocean. At the legal five per
cent, must pay over to govern
ment the appalling sum of ten
thousand six hundred and fifty dol
lars, income tax.
i may remark, in this place,
that did not do it.
am acquainted with a very op-
ulent man, whose house IS a palace,
whose palace is regal, whose out
lays are enormous, yet man who
has no income, as have often no
ticed, by the revenue returns; and
to him | went for advice in my dis
tress, He took my dreadful ex
hibition of receipts, he pat on his
glasses, he took his pen, and pres
to IL was a pauper! 1t was the
neatost thing that ever was. He
did it simply by deftly manipulate
ing the bill of "Deductions." He
set down my State, National and
Municipal taxes at so much; my
"losses by shipwrecI, fire, etc,
etc.," at so much; my closes on.
sales of real estate olive
stock sold"-on payment of rent
of homestead"-on "repairs, i'm
provements, interest st"-on "pre-
viously taxed salary as an officer of
the United States army, revenue
service" and other things. He
got astonishing "deuctions' out of
each and every one of these mat
ters-eacll and every one of them
And when he was done he handed
me the paper, and | saw at a glance
that during the year 1869 my in
come, in the way of profits, had
been one thousand too hundred
and .ftty dollars and forty cents.
"Now,' said he, 'the thousand
dollars is exempt by law. What
YOU want to do is to 60 and swear
this document in and pay tax on
two hundred and fifty dollars
TWhile he was making this
speech his little boy Willie lifted a
two dollar greenback out Of hisl
vest pocket and vanished with it,
and | would bet anything that i'll
my stranger was to call on that
little boy tomorrow he would
make false return Of his income.
''Do you" said 1, ''do you al
ways work up the deductions after
this fashion to your own case,
sir ?"
"WelI, l should say so. If i'll
wern't for those eleven saving
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