Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-04-22
Aae ssAOa'.
Die house--a hospital.
Taking people-thieves.
The oldest revolver-the earth.
Sharp food-a sword fish

The oldest recoverable EARTH
Sharp food-a sword fish.
Pleading at the bas--begging for a
drink.
Why are umbrellas like good Catholics
They keep lent SO we'll.
The Christian should carry religion into |
world, but keep the world out of Eelgion.
The richer man makes his food, the |
poorer he makes his appetite.
Give neither counsel nor salt till you are
asked for it.
A dead reckoning calculating ones fu-
neral expenses.
The procuring of divorce is called court |
ing after marriage.
Was much Of our modern whisky ever
seen looming thro' the rye?
To enjoy good reputation, says Josh
Billings, give publicly and steal privately
Life-A farce to the rich, comedy to
the wise, tragedy to the poor.
Counter irritants People who examine
the whole stock and buy nothing.
An unmistakable case of black bawling-
a crying negro baby.
The young lady who took the eye of
everybody" has been arrested for stealing.
When is boat like pile Of snow When
it is drift
When is a butterfly like a kiss When it
alights on tulips.
"A man can't help what is done behind
his back, as the scamp said when he was
kicked out of the doors.
The most proper kind Of food for a funeral
dinner is lamb and Eaters Namentators J
See it?
hen Fifteenth Amendment is engaged
to do whitewashing, the contract should be
pat in black and white
Why are ladies extravagant in clothes
Because when they buy a new dress they
generally wear it out on the first day
"Old wine put into new bottles some
times burst them old wine put into young
heads leads tdem off on "bust"
We hear great deal more Of persons
dead in love with each other than we do
of their living in love with each other.
This is what call capital punishment,
as the boy said when his mother shut him
into the closet among the preserves.
Madam, you said your son was law
yer; has he much practice {? Why, yes sir,
he has great practice-of smoking cigars
A Wisconsin, child has come into the
world prepared to bear what is said behind
his back. His ears are set on back to 'front.'
An English paper compares Revels in the
Senate TO Israel escaped from Egypt. But
Moses didn't have any carpeet- bag or frank.
The poor fellow who couldn't hold bis
own, has got himself into worse dif1iulty
by trying to hold others
a bankrupt returned as his assets nine
children, The creditors acted magoanimous-
ly and allowed him to keep them
Punch's he smale CHASTITY SMILE, and
many wink he wunk,' have been initiated
by minstrel wit. who said, he sneezed
snooze. and said I snoze it, -
Can you tell why this earth of ours is like
blackboard Give it up? Because the
children of men multiply upon the face of
it.
'The Fire Place is the name of drink
ing saloon in Chicago. Any man can get
warm by it for lsH cents. and red hot for a
quarter. ---...
'Lenny, you're pig said father to
his little five year old boy. Now, do YOU
know what pig is Lenny?' -
Eyes sir; a pigs hog little boy"
A lady asked pupil, at public exami-
nation Of a Sunday school; "What was the
sin of the PhariseesY' Eating ca,nels,
marm," quickly replied the child. She had
read that the Pharisees strained at gnats
and swallowed camels.
A very polite young man wishing to ask
young lady if he might speak to her a
few moments, wanted to know sif he could
roll the wheel of conversation around the
axletrce Of her understanding for a moment"
The lady tainted.
old lady TO her niece: Good gracious
Matilda but it's cold Ny teeth are actual
!y cbattering.
Loving niece Well don't let 'em chatter
too much. or they may tell where you
bought them
Matrmony is-hot cakes, warm beds,
comfortable slippers, smoking coffee, round.
red lips, Kind words shirts ex9lting in but
tons, redeemed stockings, bootjacks happi-
ness, etc. Single blessedness is-sheetiiron
quilts, blue noses, frosty rooms. ice in the
pitcher, unregenerated linen, heelless socks
coffee sweetened with icicles, guttapercha
biscuits, rheumatism, corns, coughs, cold
dinners, COLES, riaubarb, and any amount of
misery.
TAXING Down CoNcE1r. A Boston paper
tells an aneedote with moral:
ga young lady friend of ours met in
company young gentleman who evidently
had an excellent opinion of himself During
conversation he introduced the subject Of
matrlmony, and expatiated at length upon
the kind Of wife he expected to marry that
is, if ever he should take the decisive step.
The honored lady must be wealthy, beauti-
Sui, accomplished, amiable. &c His listen
or quietly waited until he ended, and then
completely COMPOUNDED him by asking, in the
coolest possible manner, And pray, sir,
what have you TO offer in return for all
this = The young man stammered, redden-
ed Il little and walked awavv