Smyrna times., 1870-01-05
MISceI IIUW n e o. as.
The Josh Billings Papers--Female
Remarks,

This IL a pumper, and yu are not required |
tew say Yes" out loud, but are expekted tew
throw yure eyes down into the earth, az tho yu
waz lOOkin for pin, and reply tew the inter
rogation with kind of drawd in sigh, az tho
yu waz eating an oyster, juice and ALL off from
the half she'll
Let me give yu sum small chunks of advice
how teW spot yure future husband: - .-..-
/. The man who IL Jealous ov every little
attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow,
yu will find, after yu are married tew him,
luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu
mistOok for sOssitude, yu will diskover, haz
| changed into Indifference. JellOusy isn't
heart disease, it IL liver kompant.
2. A mustash IL not indispensable it IL on
ly little more hair, and IL good deal like
moss and other eXcressences-otten duz the
best on sile that won't raize ennything else
Don't forget that those things which yu admire
| in fellow before marriage, yu will probably
hav tew admire in husband after, and a mus
tash will git tew be a very weak diet after a
long time.
8. II husbands could be took on trial, az
Irish cooksare tew-thirds ov them would prob
ably be returned but there don't seem tew be
emmy law fur this. Therefore, girls, you will
see that after you git man, you hav got tew
keep him even If yu lose on him. Consequent
ly, if yu hav got emmy cold vittles in the house
TRIP him on them, once in a while, during scour-
ing season, and if he swallers them well, and
sez he will take sum more, he liz man who
when blue Monday Gums, will wash well.
A. Don't marry a pheller who IL alwuz tel
ling how hiz mother duz things. 1t IL az hare
tew snit theze men az it IL tew wean younl
one ....f f-.r ...... ...l
s. IF a yung man kan beat yu playing on ;
pianner, and kant hear fish. horn playing il
the street without turning a back summerset
r on account Ov the musick that IL in him, sa,
skip him he might answer tew tend babe, bu
If yu set him hoeing out the garden, yu vii
find that yu hav got tew do it yurseIf A mai
whoze whole heft lies in musick land not yer,
hefty at that, ain t no better for HUSBAND
q than seedlitz powder, but ifhe luvs tew list
: en- while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu vii
i find him mellow, and so soft. But don't mar
! ry ennybody for jist one virtew emmy quicke
than yu would flop a man for jist one fault.
q 6. 1t iz one ov the most tuffest things for
female tew be an old maid successfully.
great menny haz tried it, and made bad jo
of it. Everybody seems tew look upon oil
maids jist az they do upon dried harbs-in tn
CARROT handy for sickness1Aand- therefore
girls it amt mistake that yu should be wi
y ling tew swop yurself oph, with sum true phe
y y low fur true husband. The sWop il acgeo
= one, but don't swop for emmy man who is rel
! pektable jist because biz father liz. Yu ha
: better be an old maid fur 4 Thousand years, an
!. then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentenC
I. at this price. No woman ever made this trad
Is who didn't git either phool, mean Gus
h or a clown for husband. ''' =, 80 -"G {
I Z. In digging down intothis subjct, i find ii
of digging grows harder the further git. 1t
mulch easier to. inform you who not to marry
than who tew, fur the reason there IL more 3
them. -.i''''. :" =. - '''' -.'-D -
= l don't think yu will foer mi advice, il
. Civ it and therefore twill keepit, for / loo
). upon advis az i do upon castorrile-a ames
: dose tew Civ, and a mean dose tew take.
II But must say one thing, girls, or spile.
r yu kan find bright eyed, healthy and we
balasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sass
!. az child looks upon wealth, who had rath
sit down on the curb stun, in front of the 81
avenue hotel, and eat ham sandwich, tn,
- tew go inside and run in debt for his dim
/. and 'toothpick-one who il armed with tn
aa kind oy pluck that mistakes defeat fur vi
+, tory, my adyis iz tew take him body and sole
snare him at unst, fur he liz a stray trout, ov
q breed very skase in our waters ar.s .s-aeg o.
=; Take him, isay and bid onto him, az he
nd 'oass DrN stiSS' M ae..s il s4ssa a-f