Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1870-04-29
LOST RTS.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Sum ov our best and most energe.ick
quill jerkers hav writ essays on the Lost
Arts" and have did comparatifly well, but
they hav overlooked several ov the missing
artikles, which i take the liberty lin strik-
ly con6denshail way) tew draw their atten-
shun to.
"Pumpkin R."-This delitesum work ov
art iz Tor rather wGs) triumphant con-
glomerashun oy baked doe aud billed pump.
kin.
1t waz discovered during the old ov the
moon, in the year 1850, by Angelica, the
modle wife ov Rhehoboam Beecher, then
residing in the rural town ov NJ Guilford,
State of Connekticut, but since departed this
life, aged "a years, 3 months, daze, S
hours, and Is minnitts.
Peace tew her dust.
This pi, Immediately after its discovery bi
Angelica, proceeded into general use, and
waz the boss pi for owe: hundred years.
In the year 1888 it was totally lorst.
This pi hain't bin herd from since.
Large rewards have bin offered for it's re-
covery by the Governor ov Connekticut, but
it haz undoubtedly fed forever.
Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old
original pi are loafng around, but pumpkin
pi az it waz with nutmeg in it) is NJ
more.
"Arly to bed, and ary TO rise. When
our ancestors landed on p ymouth Rock out
| ov the Mayhower, and stood in front ov the
CRATE landscape spred out before them,
reaching from the boisterous Atlantik to
the brzzum ov the plaintive Pacifck, they
| brought with them among other tools, the
art ov Citing up in the morning and going
| to bed in decent season.
| This art they waz as familiar to them as
Goldfish for breakfast.
They knu it bi heart.
1t was the eleventh command in their
katekism.
They taut it tew their children, their yung
men and maidens, and if yung one wsz
emmy ways slow about larning it he waz in
vited out to the korn brb and there the ar,
waz explained tew him, so that he got hold
ov the idee forever and amen.
am sorry to say that this art is now lost
or missing.
What loss waz here, my countrymen
pauze for reply.
Not word do | here.
| Silence is its epitaph.
| Arly tew bed and arly tew rise il either
a thing ov the past or thing that ain :
cunt certainly don't exist in these parts
now.
1t haz not only gone itself, but it haz tool
oph whole lot Of good things with it.
This art will positively never be discover
ed agin it was the child Of innocence an(
vigor, and this breed ov children are liks
the babes in the wood, and deserted bi thci
unkle.
"Honesty.' Honesty il one Of The art
and sciences.
Learned men will tell yu that the ahu
assershun IL one Of Josh Billings inferna
lies, and yer hev perfekt rite tew belev,
them, but | don't.
Honesty iz just as much an art az polite
ness IL, and never was born with man en-
ny more than the capacity to spell the wor(
Nebuddkenezzer right the first time waz.
1t took me seven years to master th
word. and and Noer Webster both diss
gree about the right way now.
Sum men are natrally more addsk.ed Il
honesty than others, Just az sum hav bet
ter ear for musk, and larn how lew, hois
and lower the S notes more completely thar
the next man.
Honesty IL one ov the lost or mslaid art
there may be excepshuns tew this rule
but the learned men all agree that the "ex
cepshuns prove the rule"
The only doubts hav about this matter
IL to lokate the time very cluss, when hon
esty was fust lost.
When Adam in the Garden of Eden waz
asked: "Where art thou, ADAM" and az
forwards explained hiz absence by saying
81 waz afraid IL az far back az hav br
able tew trace the fust indkashuns ov weak
ness in this grand and noble art.
shouldn't be surprised if this art never
waz fully recovered agin during mi day.
amt so anxious about it on mi own &C
konnt, for kan manage tew worry along
sumhow without it, but what il a going tew
bekum ov the CRATE mass ov suffering hu
manity?
This IL a question that racks mi simpa
thetick buzzum!