Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-06-17
A Letter.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Berkshire. Who it waz that invented
alchohol, [ am unable tew tell, without lie
ing, but it would hav bin fust klass bless
ing for the rest ov US, if he and liker, had
both ov them been split on the ground, and
never sopped up since. The Devil himsel
with all hiz genius for ten strike could no
have rooled pail, more serviceable for hiz
Dizziness on earth one more certain teN
quarter on the head pin, and sweep the al
ley every time. Rum IL the devils stoo
pigeon, hiz right bower, hiz high, low Jack
and the game. A CRATE menny. with dis
peptick morals, argy, that Ticker IL indis
pensible for manufacturing and doktor pur
poses, and also for mechanical uses, and
they hold that yu koulkn't raizo barn,
that would stand, without emmy good old
jamaka rum. and sum say, that pudding
sas, without emmy sperits in it, IL no health
Ter than common grease goose But awl
over these argys are furnished free of cost,
by the devil himself, and emmy man who
advances them, IL telling (without know
ing-it perhaps) lies, that will weigh, at a
ruff estimate, at least pound piece. But
mi objekt in these fu preliminus remarks, il
tew git a good chance to tell what [ know,
about Jersey lighting" one ov alcho-
hobs imps) az a manufacturing, and meta
physical agent.
Jersey lightning is cider brandy, three
hours old, still born, and quicker than u
fash This juice IL drunk raw By all the
old sports, and makes a premonitory and
Kissing noise az it wiuds down the thrut
like an old shee-goose setting Oh eggs or a
hot iron stuck into ice Three horns day
ov this lickker will tan a mans interior in
six months, so that he kan swallo live,
six-footed krab, feet fust, and not waste a
wink
1t don't fat a man (cider DON'T like whis-
kee duz, but Fuckers him up like fried po-
tatoze. If a man kan survive the fust three
years Of Jersey lightning, he IL safe then
for the next IS years to come, and keeps
looking every day more like three years old
red peperpod, hotter, and hotter An old
brandy -drinker will steam, in sudden
shower ov rain, like pile of stable manure
and hiz breth smell like the bunghole ov a
rum cask, lately empted When Jersey
lightning IL fust born it tastes like bileing
turpentine and cayene, half and half, and
will raise blood blister on a pair ov old
kowhide brokans in Is minutes, and ap-
piled externally will kure the rumatism, and
kill ssthe patient, I forgot which. The
first horn man takes ov this ticker will
make him think he haz swallowed gas
light, and he will go out behind the barn,
and try tew die, but kant The eyes ov an
old cderbrendist looks like deep gashes cut
into a ripe tomato, hiz noze il the komplex-
SCUM of a half-biled lobster, and the grizzle
in hiz gullet sticks out like all elbo in tin
leader. The more villainous the drink the
more inveterate are thoze who drink it. 1
kant tell yer whether cider brandee will
shorten an old suckers days or not, for they
generally outlive all the rest ov the Majors,
and die just as soon as the old tavern stand
canges hand, IL opened on temperance prin-
cip!es. One bottle ov sassaparilla or GIN
ger popp IL az fatal teu theze old fellcrs az
rife ball IL tew a bed bugg.