Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-09-27
Las7acH for Hat221O3'SstS.

- will die, but I will win thee,
Lady Fair
Lat7ac7t for Het2nO3'Ssts.
A regular old salt-Salt-petrc.
Pattern women-The miliiners.
Fast and loose-A runaway horse.
Powder is nice thing-In horn.
Pressed for time-Egyptian mummies.
A new ejaculation for duns-Sir, render.
"A cbasm too many writer's fall into-Sarcasm.
i. Intrenchments are the first care in war-re
trenchments in peace.
Does mosquito draw his bill at sight when
he draws it In the dark?
The motto of the inebriate-To drink is hu-
man, to get drunk divine.
A handsome dress pattern never arrests a
woman's attention. She will always go buy it.
All the girls in Wisconsin are picking hops
day times and kicking at hops in evenings.
A coquette is described as 'rose from which
every lover plucks leaf" The lovers do
leave her-that's fact.
"We know girl, says some one, $50 in
dustrious, that when she has nothing else to
do, she sits and knits her brow.
A little girl was heard to wish the other day.
''that she was boy so she could swear when
she dropped her books In the mud. :"
Leavenworth is said to boast Of man who
is so tall that his likeness cannot be got into
one picture A local artist has painted his
head and shoulders, and announces that he will
be continued next week.
Central Asia has just issued its first news
paper. 1t was long time before they could
decide upon name for it; at last they concIu-
ded to give it short, easy name-one that the
newsboys could readily pronounce-and so they
called it ''Turkietanskaja Vjedemostt
The present long-continued dry weather re-
calls story, a true one, of minister of New
Hampshire, who prayed for rain in this fash
ion 80 Lord, we pray for raini Not a tearin,
driyin rain. such as harrers up the face of ma
tur, but drizzlin. sozzlin' rain, such as lasts
all day and pretty much all night.
"A Kansas girl was standing hand in hand
with her lover, with eyes and mouth agape,
watching the incoming Of the first train on a
new railroad. The locomotive was quiet until
it came into the depot; but when the whistle
blew, as the engine was stopning, the girl burst
out with the exclamation, why la she come
plum in afore she beliered ~
A San Francisco teacher received the follow
ing: Il hope as to my John you will fog him
just as offiu as you kim Hees bad b0y-is
John. Altho I've bin In the habit of teachin
him myself it seems to me he never will larn
aaythlng-hls speIin is outrageously defshent
Wailop him well ser and you will receive my
thanks
p S.-What accounts for John bein such a
scholar is that he Is my son by mi wife's fust
husband.
Nor UP IN THE CLASSICS. 1t is no sin not
to be well up 10 the classics Liakim Dutton
was not. But he loved the American fair In
fact he loved two of them. Those two felt emo
tions of love toward Liakim. And they quar-
relied about him like two Kilkenny pussies-
Consequence was, all three We're brought into
court. Liakiu1, being the cause of the strug-
gle, was thus addressed By his honor:
And so those women We're fighting about
you p
Il believe so, SIR
"You are a sort of Adonis then ?''
a'Sir?" inquired Liakim, his eyes protruding
and a shade of pallor creeping into his face.
You are an Adonis, the court replied.
70; no, slr-never as bad as that; bu: We
been In the penitentiary for stealing horsesp'
HALF PRICE "A young rustic in Albany.
named Knox, saw a placard, Linen Drillings
at Half-P Price, before dry goods store. went
in and purchased ten yards, the price bein o
stated by the clerk to be fifty cents per yard.
Taking the parcel he handed the clerk two dol
lars ana a halt. ssh
CIerk-"How is this, my friend? You have
not given me enough"
Knox" How in thunder do you make that
out; didn you mention that the price of this
goods was only fifty cents yard p
Clerk-'sTo be sure did; and you asked
Tor ten yards at that price, so that your bill is
five dollars. a 80
Knox-"Ill bet my bill amt five dollars
Look at that sign board, young man don't it
say Linen Drillings at Half Price p You said
the price of this ere piece you chose was fftv
cents yard; half of fifty is twenty-five. and
ten times twenty-five is two fifty. Stranger,
you can't climb me, I've travelled"
The proprietor was called, but the rustic
could not be argued out of his arithmetic. and
rather than have scene" the loss was mt
up with, and the young man allowed to travel
with his bargain which suggests the fact that
people who keep shop should be careful what
contract they advertise for the acceptance of the
public r '''O
loo MANY SMITHS. I'm certain Western
city man determined to get out directory. =
Iney never mad one there before, and it was
p'SS~ VII q 81 cdb uedl OF pleasure, Ey-
erybody was rejoicing about it. But the prin-
ter who was to set the book up found that he
had run out of all his capital S S before he got
as far as SMI, and, as be found he-was goinr
to lose money on the job, he determined not to
buy any more type. So he told the foreman
just to lead off all the rest of the names COM
mencing with with any capital letter that
came handy. There were fifteen hundred and
slxty-seven Smiths in that town, and when the
directory came out the whole of them rushed
to see their names in print. It was ascertained
that every one of them was described under
such names as NTH, Pith, Lith, Jith, Withe.
Aith, Fithe, Hythe, Githe, Iith, Tith, 9th,
and ever so many more of the same kind
Fifteen hundred and sixty-seven madden men
than those fifteen hundred and sixty-seven
Smiths never pranced around over the bound
less pralrles OF the West They waited on the
directory man in body next morning, but he
took the early train for San Francisco, and when
lastsheard from had obtained permanent sit
uation in Hong Kong temple as assistant idol
maker. That city is without reliable direc-
tory yet. : (