The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-08-16
II U M 0 RoUs ITEMS

of making Story short
BsD~" Will you dake sumding ?" said
a Dutch tee-totaler to a friend, while
standing near tavern.
" l don't care if do" was the reply.
Veil, den let's dake walk.
Del5@ A sailor looking serious in chap
el, was asked by the clergyman if he felt
any change, whereupon the tar put his
hand into his pocket and replied that
he hadn't got cent"
D@~ A Baltimore paper says that
young lady was recently discharged from
one Of the largest pickle factories in that
city, because she was so sweet she took
the acid out Of all the vinegar.
pa A sporting young lady says: off
the course of true love does never run
smooth, why don't they water it and roll
it regularly so many hours a day,
until they get the course so smooth that
any monkey can run upon it?"
Ba5~ A woman applied to magistrate
for summons against neighbor. She
called me thief your worship Can't I
make her prove it ?" No doubt you
could" said the magistrate, g but | think
you had better not"
BGg~ At a recent assizes in Ireland, the
foreman of the jury, placing his hand on
his heart, and with voice choked with
emotion, gave in the following verdict:
&" The accused is guilty, but we have our
doubts as to the identity"
DSr Host (who had just finished car
wing a turkey): Will you have a small
piece Of the dark meat, or small piece
Of the white meat?" Hungry guest
who is addicted to the habit of plain
speaking -" Thank you; I'll take large
piece Of bothn
BSs~ AFTER THE DANoE-Charles
Z" Tell me, Laura, why that sadness Tell
me why that look of care? Why has fled
that look of gladness that thy face was
wont to wear?" Laura =" Charles, It's
useless to dissemble; we'll my face may
wear frown, for I've lost my largest
hair-pin, and my chignon's coming
down.
BGg~ Parson, | would much rather hear
you preach" said bafled, swindling
horse jockey, d" than to see you interfere
in bargains between man and man."
Well" replied the parson, " if you had
been where you ought to have been, last
Sunday, you would have heard me
preach" g Where was that ?" inquired
the jockey. In the State Prison" re-
turned the clergyman.
nsS@ A countryman stopped atthe Max
well House, Nashville, for dinner. The
waiter inquired what he would have, and
was told by the countryman to bring
something of what he had" The
waiter brought him regular dinner upon
small dishes, as is the usual form, and set
them around his plate-The country
man surveyed them carefully for mo-
ment, and then broke out, well, ] like
your samples, now bring my dinner"
Bsg@ Two WAYS OF TELLING IT.-Jen-
klns says: Inc profuslon and color OF
her hair would lead one to look upon it
as though. it was spun by the nimble
fingers of the easy hours as they glided
through bright June days, whose sunny
rays of light had been caught in the
meshes and were content to gono farther"
Joe Bowers expresses the same thing by
saying, "her hair was awful red"
Reg" IF you do not close that window
waiter, l shall die from the draught," said
lady at dinner
"And if you do close it, I shall die
from the heat in this hot weather !" ex-
claimed stouter fair lady.
Then there was a giggle among the
guests over the dilemma of the waiter,
when literary gentleman present said
My good fellow, your duty is clear /;
close the window and kill one lady, and
open it again and kill the other lady"
BGZ~ We have tidings from Boston of
a clergyman of Massachusetts, who, on
exchange, preached in brothers pulpit.
Taking note which he found when he