Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-01-07
HunOr.

"NNsAoAA eASASS>A
to the highest bidder"
Long Branch is to have horse race
course Heretofore its course has been con-
fined to the human race
A story is told Of young man who was
going West to open jewelry store. When
asked what capital he had, be replied, IA
crowbar."
A California boy has seven ears. We
know young lady who must have thou
sand, judging from the amount Of gossip
she hears.
II am afraid you will come to want" said
an old lady to her daughter.
II have come to want already" was the
reply, 81 want nice young man."
A young lady who went with rather
timid young beau one evening, complacently
remarked to him that she never went out
but she got chaps on her lips. The young
man took the hint and ,happed.
You look like D,ath on pale horse,
said gentleman to a topper who was pale
and emaciated. L don't know anything
about that said the topper. but I'm death
on pale brandy
A correspondent of New York paper
wants to know which side of lady gentle
man should take, when he walks out with
her. We should say keep on the right side
Of lady, always.
We hear of the organization of a new
society with the expressive name of the PAY
Nothings." 1t is said to be alarmingly pros
porous. The pass word is LEND me Dol
lar" the response is Broke"
"Look here, boy said nervous old
gentleman to an urchin, who was munching
sugar candy at lecture; 'you are annoy
ing me very much" "No, | amt, I'm a.
gnawing this sugar candy" replied the ur-
chin.
A farmer who wished to invest tho accu-
mutation Of his industry in the United States
securities, went to Jay Cookies Office to OBJ
tain Treasury notes: The clerk inquired !:
what denomination will you have them
in, sir"
my brudders,' said a waggish colored
man to crowd sin all infection in all OBJ
your troubles, dare is one place you can al
ways find synspathy." "Whar =? whar %
shouted several. "In the dictionary" be re.
,lied, rolling his eyes skyward.
"Alas!'' said moralizing bachelor with.
In earshot of witty young lady Of the COM
pany, ''this world is at best but a gloomy
prison w eyes," sighed the merciless mink,
respectfully to the poor creatures doomed to
solitary confinement p
An exchange paper has the following -
"It is said that there are more editors un-
married than any other class of professional
men" For the reason, we suppose, that
the majority Of them are men of fine senti-
ment. and do not wish to starve anybody's
sister.
Having never heard that word used ex-
cepting to distinguish religious sects, the
farmer, after little hesitation, replied
"Well, you may give ME part in the Old
School Presbyterian, to please the old lady,
but give me the heft-on't in Free Will Bap-
lists"
Dry HuMoR.-An Irish post boy having
driven gentleman long stage during tor
rents of rain, the gentleman ciyilly said to
him:
"Paddy, are you not very wet p
"Arrah I don't care about being very
wet, but, please your honor, Pm very dry"
CHANGING HIS L1NE-A gentleman, in
curing of Jack Bannister respecting man
who had been hanged, was told that he was
dead.
"And did he continue in the grocery
line ?" said the former
"Oh, no." replied Jack she was quite
In different line when he died"
A young man, accompanied by his lady
love, stopped at ST. Louis boarding -house
for dinner, the other day. Never having
seen fsh-balls be handed one to his lady,
under the impression that it was doughnut.
After breaking his own open he carefully
examined it, then smelt of it and with
sepulchral voice said: "Matilde, don't eat
that doughnut; there is something dead in
this p
The Teacher of national school at Whit
tlesey, England, recently asked boy:
'Which is the highest dignitary Of the
church?'
After looking up and locking down, north.
east, south and west, the boy innoeeptly re-
piled:
''The weather cocks
An Irishman in distress asked a man for
relief
He was repulsed with ego to HI"
Pat locked at him in such way as to fix
his attention, and then replied;
God bless yer honor fer your civility
for ye're the first gentleman that's invited
me to his fathers house since I kim to
Ameriky."
Pat. the favorite hostlcr Of General b,
of General Sherman's Georgia army, got on
one occasion Enthusiastically drunk. The
General gave him g lecture on discipline
the duties of soldier towards his superiors,
and temperance-ratker mixed, but veyy
stronq and concluded as follows:
"Why, you were drunk yesterday too"
i'Yes, sir" Pat promptly replied.
"And you arc drunk again"
Every drunk" said Pat; Il knowit to
my sorrow, General"
II won't allow this any more If it oc-
curs again I'll send you to your regiment
for extra duty. I'm willing that you may
get drunk half as often as l do-won't that
do ?"
"Wen," said Pat. "I dunno, General :;
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