Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1870-06-07
NO. 1876.
Mistellal,eons.
FEMALE REMARKS.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Dear girls, are yu in search ov hus-
band?
This IL a pumper, and yu are not re-
quested tew say yes out loud, but are
expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto
the earth, az tho yu was looking for pin.
and reply tew the interrogatory with a
kinder draulin sigh, az tho yu waz eatin
an oyster, juice and all, off from the half
she'll
Not tn press so tender theme until it
SOON (tew avoid argument) that yu are on
the lookout for sumthing in the male line
tew boost yu in the uphill ov life, and tew
keep his eyes on the brichn when yu be-
gin tew go down the other side ov the
mountain. Let me give yu sum small
chunks ov advice how tew spot your few
ter husband.
1. The man who IL gealous ov every
little attenshun which yu git from sum
other fellow, yu will find, after yu are
married tew him, luvs himself more than
he duz yu, and what yu mistook for SOL
issitude, yu will discover. haz changed
into indifference. Jealousy isn't heart
disease; it is a liver complaint.
2. A mustash IL not Indispensable: it
iz only little more hair, and il a good
deal like moss and other excressences-
often duz the best on sile that wont raize
anything else. Don't fergit that these
things which you admire in a phellow
before marriage, yu will probably have to
admire in a husband after; and mustash
will git to be very weak diet after long
time.
s. Ifbusbands could be took on trial,
az Irish cooks are, two-thirds ov them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem to be emmy law for this. There
fore, girls, yu will see that, after yu git
a man, yu have got tew keep him, even if
yu loos on him. Consequently, Hyu hav
got emmy cold vittles in the house, try him
on them once in while during securing
season, and if he swallows them well, aud
says he will take sum more, he IL a man
who, when blue Monday Gums, will wash
well.
4. Don't marry phellar who iz alwus
telling how hiz mother duz things. 1t
IL az hard tew suit these men az it liz to
wean a young one.
8. If a young man kan beat you playing
on pianner, and kant hear fish horn
playing on the street without turning
back summerset on akount of the music
that il in him, say ship him; he Nigh
answer to tend baby, but if yu set him
hoeing out the garden, you will find yu
hav got 10 do it yourself. A man whose
Who'll heft lies in music (and not very hefty
at tha) amt no better for husband than
a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs to listen
while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will
find him mellow and soft. But don't mar
ry ennybody for jist one virtew emmy
quicker than yu would flop a man for jist
one fault.
6. 1t il one ov the most tuffest things
for femal to be an old maid successfully.
A CRATE menny haz tried it and made bad
jub ov it. Everybody seems to look upon
old maids jist as they do on dried herbs
in the garret, handy for sickness-and
therefore, girls, it aint mistake that yu
should be willing to swop yurselt oph,
with sum true fellow for husband. The
swop IL good one, but don't swop for
emmy man who iz respectable because hz
fathar IL. You had better be an old maid
for 4 thousand years, and then join the
Shakers. than to buy repentance at his
price. No woman ever made this trade
who didn't get either phool mean cuss
or cheep clown for husband.
Z. In digging down into this subject, 1
find that the digging groves harder the
further git. 1t IL much esier tew in
form yu who not tew marry than who tew
tor the reason there is more ov them.
don't think yu will follow my advice
if give it, and so I'll keep it, for look
upon advice as do upon caster ile--a
mean dose tew give and mean dose tew
take.
But must say one thing, girls, or spile.
If yu kan find bright-eyed, healthy and
well-balasted boy. who looks upon poverty
as sassy child looks upon wealth-who
had rather sit down on the curbstun in
front ov the 5th avenue hotel. and eat
ham sandwich than to go inside and run
into debt for his dinner and toothpick-
one who is armed with that kind of pluck
that mistakes defeat for victory, my
adviceiz tew take him. body and soul
snare him at once, for he liz stray trout,
breed very skase in our waters.
Take him I say hid onto him. as hOr-