The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1870-01-31
n screed from Josh Billings.

WHEELING, Va.
lectured here last mite on "kilk,"
and the auiience seemed tew relish the
liquor.
Wheeling il the capital of West Vir-
GINA, and liz lokated on the south side
ov the Ohio river; ninety-fve miles be-
low Pittsburgh, and trife over thirty
five hundred miles west ov London and
Liverpool.
Itiz q very orderly town. saw no
one murdered during my stay.
They hsv q mayor and some common
council-very worthy men, am told
which sounds funny enuff to a New
Yorker-who have learned to look upon
q few months in States prison az me-
cessary polish for the municipal board.
Dogs are very plenty here, and so are
fieas; and what stuck me as very funny,
the dogs carry the fleas around on their
backs.
Mules are also very thick here;
counted eight yesterday strung onto
one wsgging, driven bi venerable and
mature darkey, and drawing about a
ton-not load to excite the marvel and
indignashun ov our humane Bergh
Mules in Wheeling seem to have lost
their ambishun. or left it at HON. Their
ears all lOp like corn that IS ripe and
ready to pluck from the stalk, and they
don't pay any more attenshuR tev the
flies than an empty sugar hogshead duz
think tbeze eight mules must have
had six quarts ov flies on them q didn't
count them), all stuck fast, and it waz
only now aud then that a mule waved
hiz tail.
Idnn't kno whether this inattesshun
the flies waz owing 10 the pashuuce Ov
philosophy ofth mules or to the fakt
that (not generally known) that the
mule eau't hear. 4 p"ie kan kick fur
thor than he kan hear.
Sum ov the least edukated OF the nat
uralists will be inklined to doubt this
assurshun ov mine, that the mule is
def, but will bet emmy ov them 10
dollars ov it, and put athe money in
Chief Justice Cnase's hand.
After hav won the money Chase may
give il to sum deserving charity, SIGH,
Tor instance, az the ''wimmins' ri shts
eommitn e." or Bergh's "cruel animal
erginashunn don't believe in win
ming bet, unless you lay out the money
immjiately in morals or fust klsss be-
nevolence.
Wheeling haz Dizziness look to its
counteuauce; the wbarfs are stuck full
ov steamboats,, and prosperity walks
round the town with hiz hands stuck
deep into his pockets, whisting that
benign and timber old tune, "DaDiel
Tucker haz arrived"
l waz particularly struck with the
buty ov the young ladys here, so much
80 that mi wife differed entirely with
me and declared she couldn't see it.
Mi wife IL q woman ov unerring judge
ment, but she kant bear tew hav De
brag on other femails; she calls it
"wastiDE mi talents, which have bin
entrusted to me for other and better
purposes"
The late ackt ov emansipashun has
thrown vast lot ov negros out ov EN-
ployment in Wheeling; they don't seem
tew hsv emmy thing to do, only tew be-
long tew themself, which IL the hardest
kind ov werk for the poor phellows.
The negro must be elevated or de-
stroyed; not elevated by the hair ov
the head, for that il tSo short holt,
but bi learning him tew work for him
self.
Envy man who haz leerned tew work
for himself IL three-quarters elevated.
Mi wife (and me) leave here to-mor-
row for Cincinnati.
Ut may not be generally known, but
state it here, once for all, that mi wife
IL the principal woman in our family.)
1t done mi heart good to hear little
phellow with huge bundle ov papers
under his arm; his voice rung out on
the frosty air like the challenge oy q
game rooster.
bought one, and waz pleazed to see
how admirably well the paper looks.
Wheeling viii long linger round the
portals ov mi heart. / hav had no pull
backs since entered the city; every
thing haz slipped az easy as boys
sled, and shall leave to morrow with
o tear in mi eye and 90 dollars in mi
pocket, the net receipt ov mi lectur.
Thsre il CRATE deal of phun in de-
livering comic lekturs, espesbily if the
lekturs are phunny, but it takes man
ov crate strength tew write comik
lektur.
He haz got tew be az strong OF Samp-
son.
Mi lektur on Natral History il not
near az phunny az could make it if l
only knew hsw.
But am learning sumthing new
every day, and in q few years from now
expekt to improve.
spell q crate deal better this year
than did last; mi friends all motifs it.