The morning star and Catholic messenger. [volume] (New Orleans [La.]) 1868-1881, 1870-05-01

schoolmaster. I" Tuppence, sir,n shouted
the sharpest lad In the class.
"a borrowed horse and your own spurs
make shprt miles," is q Danish rendering
Of . rather universal practice. H..
II isAs beautiful provision of nature that
girls will believe that the stupid men to
! whom they tfe engaged are clever.
Definition 81 m Elephant BY q French
: man-An animal to whom nature has given
the privilege Of moi seeing himself.
Wear your leasning like q watch, in q
II unless yOu enc aaked what O'Clock it is.
"A Mxlieious correspondent speaks of q
young Adg at ono OF she watering places
who hAs been niheteen for five seasons.
"Doyou call tales Ayeal-cutlet, waiter
Why. it's an insult to every true calf in
tho aoountry.n 81 didn't mean to insult
You, sir.s $500 '1aa'
.sreWillie r., Q little five year old was play
q ing with . honey bee. when it stung him.
Oh, grandma," cried Willie, 81 didn't
know Bees had splinteA In their feet.'
"Why do women expend SO much time
of Newport belle. &c To worry other NO.
men," was, the diabolical but truthful re-
ply. 5S 60 IS 800 go,
- A gentleman at musical party asked a
friend In q whisper, How he should stir
the FIRE without disturbing the music ="
% Between the bars, Of course" replied his
friend. - -, p 80
" It's a. good thing to have handsome
Penman for . beau,n said Mary. as she
glanced over blllet-doux. EYES," replied
Julia, if the penman is only handsome,
don't care how ugly the penmanship is"
There is y gentleman in Bangor, Me-,
who is 30 absent minded that, meeting his
son in the street, he extended his hand, in
quiring, How do you do, my young
friend7" When is your father coming
homei"
Not long since premium was offered by
an agricultural society for the best mode
OF irrigation, and the latter word, by a
mistake of the printer, having been changed
to "irritation," a farmer sent his wife to
get the prize.
A lady asked why in polite society ETH
quette allows q lady to pay visit with her
g veil down. 81 really do not know, ma'am, !"
was the reply, "but would bet it is the
ugie ones who set the fashion, and that it
is only pretty women who make inquiries
bout it,"
, A new species of telegraph is announced.
a number of females are placed in line,
fifty PAGES apart, and the message lie COM
municated In strict confidence to the near
est. 1t is said that in a most incredible
short space OF time the news is transmitted
to the end Of the line.
A newly married lady in Chicago COM
planned to her ma that on her reception day
her card basket was overrun with circulars
from lawyers announcing terms for divorce.
$50 absurd, you know, ma, before our
honey moon is over" aTrue, DEAR" re-
piled ma, who has been twice divorced,
bnt "a put them in safe place you may
A gentleman was constantly in the habit
of Notlinn his 1>oTr Ios, s.
necessary evils" He quaralled with one
Of them, who left him in a rage, saying he
was sick of service, and vowed that he
would never enter it again. A few days
after, his old master meeting him in liv-
s sn as III are i rsn ssry thee
servant, 81 have found that masters are
necessary evils.'"
A green-lo0king chap from the Green
Mountain State went over the line, and on
to Montreal, "to look around leetle."
Going into large and handsome dry goods
house, his verdancy attracted the attention
of the proprietor, who attempted to quiz
him, but having an impeachment in his
speech, he had to give it up, and his clerk
came forward to speak for him: "Mr. Bell
Balaams ass spoke q" "Well," said iona.
than, " 1 rather guess as how Balaam was
stutterin' man, and his ass had to speak
for him."
An action for breach of promise las just
been decided, in whica the defend ant, a
clerk, pleaded almost every conceivable
defence: i. That he had not promised; 2.
That he had not broken his promise 3.
That reasonable time had not been
allowed him for it's fulfilment; A. That the
lady had released him and, lastly, that he
was quite willing 20 fulfill the engagement
This reminds us of the celebrated dog
biting case, where the defendant pleaded:
1. That his dog was always chained up
2. That the dog was too gOod-tempered to
bite, if he were free 3. That the animal
had no teeth, and couldn't bite if he wished,
and, a, that he never had dog. The jury,
however, were not sufficiently impressed
with the ingenuity of the defendant, for
they nulcted him in $50 damages.
A fellow who came by the railway, being
a stranger, strolled about for some time in
search of a barber. He finally discovered
one, whom he requested to take off a shil-
hng's worth of hair. The barber trimmed
his locks very neatly, soaped up the re-
malnder very handsomely, and then combed
and brushed him up till his head looked as
IT 1t belonged to some other person than
himself "Are you done 2" asked the GUS
toner, as the barber removed the napkin
from his neck. Yes, sir," said the barber,
with low bow. care you certain that
you took off a shillings worth ~ eyes,
sir, there's the glass you can look for
yourself. -" Well, said tho stranger, -" if
you think you've taken a shilling's worth
OF, don't know as l want any change, so
you may just take the hair for your trou-
bles" On hearing this the barber made a
A. r ~. n