The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-04-08
The Eat Contributor Corrocts
History.
nEsrrssoMr 1asonrAvr FAcrs nIcnr

a late writer processes to prove be-
yond dispute thatno such person as VII.
liam Tell ever existed and thereby
knocks the story. OF the apple into O
cooked hat.-EEchange.
Certainly not, we knew that AT the
time. No such man ever lived, and he
didn't shoot an apple off his boys head.
and he didn't reply TO Gesler when ask
cd why he had concealed another "ar-
row" in his shirt bosom ''ter kill thee,
tyrant, had i slain me boyr' as the
melo- dramatic gentleman says in the
play; cause why, there wasn't any
Gesler, aud Tell didn't have any boy,
and he couldn't shoot with a erossbow,
and the apple crop was entirely cut on
that year, anyhow. 49,
Generation after generation ofcrcdu.
lous and coniiding readers have been
taken in regarding Tell and great
many other heroes of the past. We
have indisputable evidence that Chris
topher Columbus didn't discover Amer
lea. America discovered him, but he
got to a newspaper Office first and took
all the credit to himself No such mau
as Columbus ever lived.
Alexander the Great didn't cut the
Gordian Knot, but got one of the Dav.
enport Brothers to unite it, and he
didn't weep because there were no
more worlds to conquer; but laughed
and kicked up his heels and wickedly
said, "it's only this world and the next
and then we're through" Alexander
the Great was no great shakes after all.
Tom Allen could whip him the best
day he ever saw, and We'll bet on it.
Julius Cesar has gone into history,
as victim of assassins. No such thing.
He hired folks to kill him for sensa-
| tiGn, and so the widow Caesar could col
lect his life insurance. Business was
dull at the time and he made money by
it.
Bonaparte didn't die on the Mt. st.
| Helena, because he never went there.
| He put in a substitute and then fled to
Canada, where he still lives, keepinga
toll gate near Maiden. He frequently
visits Detroit, and has reached the old
advanced age of eighty.five He wasn't
cap tured by Powhatan and Pocahontas
didn't rescue him, for he was released
on q writ of habeas corpus issued by the
United States Supreme Court.
Shakespeare never wrote any plays.
His plays were all written by Bourci-
eault and adapted to the stage by Nc
Kean Buchanan.
Washington didn't use a hatchet on
his fathers cherry tree-he took his
knife and girdled it-and he could tell
a lie, if he wanted to, but he didn't
want to; he knew he could get Off easier
without it. His name wasn't George
Washington originally. There were SO
, many people named George Washing.
ton, and so many counties and towns
called Washington Including the capi.
tai of the nation) that he came to like
the ame,and had his own name chang
ed to George Washington by act of the
legislature. How history does lie.
| --s%$
The fly has its uses. He serves to keep
bald headed sinners awake at church oH
a warm day, 50 that their unregenerate
hearts may be touched by the preached
word. f
A gentleman asked negro boy II he
wouldn't take pinch of snuff. "No,"
replied the darkey, very respectfully,
SINE tank you. Pomp's nose not hun
Cry" ur-
A LADY teacher was endeavorlng to
impress upon her pupils the terrible eff
feet of the punishment of Nebuchad.
nezzar, saying "Seven years he ate
grass like cow" when boy asked !;
. "Did he give milk?"
' \ lady has Sunday,school class In
g one of the churches. Two brothers at
Q tend it alternately. One Sunday lady
asked one of the boys If he would be
e there on the following Sabbath? "Oh
1 no." says he, 81 can't, its my turn to
A saw wood !"
a Babies are the coupons attached to the
bonds of matrimony. The interest is
e due al random.
Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a
y broker? Because she got a little pro-
= phet from the rushes on the banks.
, A bachelor, in commenting upon the
- large amount which Queen Victoria
saves annually from her salary, remark
. ed that "there was a widow worth
= going for"
y Mr.. Simms says ifit wasn't for the
, hole in the hoop you couldn't put it on
! the barrel, and the barrel would burst.
"A \ correspondent unmarried )suggests
V that SolomOn's wisdom was due to the
fact that he had seven hundred wives
; whom he consulted on all occasions.
g LOVING wife at Long Branch-"The
Is horrid surf makes me keep my mouth
II shut" Sarcastic husband-"T Take some
e of it home with you"
u "THEN your watch don't run regu
larly?" asked Pixies Peak jeweller OF
> a customer.
a mot run, soured on me twice yes.
81 tcrdly." .....
e THE Pennsylvania Reserve Assoca
q tlon will meet at Lock Haven ON th,
n eth of May. The Republican says /
l, meeting of the Soldiers in that vicinity
d was held on Thursday week to complet,
arrangements for the reception and en-
d tertainment of the members of the As
Ie sociation, and another meeting is TO b,
ir held on the 31st inst. Col. VIM. B
Mann, of Philadelphia, will deliver tn
lr address at the meeting 0f the Associa
tion in May.
--~ ~-----
. EVERY American boy has right I
81 learu whatever honest trade his own in
~ clination, under his fathers direction
" may lead him TO. And when he ha
T. learned il. any man has a RIGHT to ofie