Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-06-14
Lst7ach fO2. Hat2aaO7'jStS.

Lssssch foa. H,sa,aor5sts.
Rolling stock-Capital invested in bowling
alleys. sd
The height of ingratitude-An artist cutting
his pencil.
Young people who lisp are requested to say
Miss Myth Smith.
The Indian custom of lifting hair is an un-
popular form of barberism.
Cards and birthstone make the best matches,
as the clergyman said when he married game
ster to a shrew. aa -ts[4
A sentimental youth says he prefers hanging
on the neck to hanging by the neck, but that
both are dangerous.
A Sioux who wishes to compliment the Qua
kers, has named himself after William Penn,
which he translates Bill Quill.
Professional rivalry produced the ill-natured
inscription for the tombstone Of Western ed
itor, Here lies an editor
The publisher of "child's paper prints as
a compliment, an extract from letter which
after reading the last number of your valuable
paper.
1t is now believed that hostile meeting will
take place between two Cincinnati editors, the
weapon to be frozen bologna sausages. They
may both be seen, every day, practising with
that deadly weapon in lager beer saloon.
The only prisoner in the jail at Nantucket
informs the authorities, that if they don't fix
up that jail so the sheep can't get in to bother
MIN, he viii be bowed if he will stay in there.
The prisoner is in the right, and his request
should be needed.
Hunting the hippopotamus on the banks Of
the Nile, the alligator in the bayous of Louis
lana, the lion in Numidia, the gorilla in Africa
and the tiger in Bengal, are all tame and inert
pastimes compared to hunting thoroughly
honest and capable servant in Lexington.
2 A hotel keeper in Boston boards lovers for
TWO dollars a week less than he charges other
folks. There is philosophy in this. Love is
very ETHEREAL In Its nature, and can live on
moonbeams. We know a young man who took
the disease in the natural way, and he subsisted
whole month on German flute and sonnet.
A Kentucky boy was left in charge of baby
with instructions if it cried to give it little
laudanum. 1t set up howl, and the brevet
nurse gave it half tumbler full Of the sleepy
fluid. The mother wants to sell the cradle now,
as she isn't going to try to bring up any more
children. The boy said at the funeral that he
wouldn't have given the child so big dose il
he hadn't cried so like thunder.
stranger, will you try hand with us al
poker?"
''Thank you, gentlemen, but there are sew
enteen reasons why [ cannot accommodate you
just now"
Seventeen reasons for not playing cards i
Pray, what are they?'
''INhy, the first is, I haven't any money"
''Stop! That's enough. Never mind the
other sixteen.
'Boy, the corn which you are hoeiug there
appears to be quite small?
Eyes, sir, we planted little corn.
"But it looks yellow? p
"Yes sir, Dad had to go all the way down
to Uncle Mats to get yaller corn to plant.
Il shouldn't think you would have more
than half a crop"
mo, sir, we don't expect but half crop
we plant on shares.
A Western political stump speaker demol-
ishes his opponent in this wise Build worm
fence around winters supply of summer wealth
er; skim the clouds from the sky with tea
spoon; break hurricane to harness ground
sluce an earthquake; bake hell in an ice house;
lasso an avalanche; put diaper on the crater
of an active volcano; hive all the stars in a
nall key hang the ocean on grape vine to
dry; put the sky to soak in gourd unbuckle
the belt of eternity, and paste to let On the
sun and moon; but never for moment, sir,
delude yourself with the idea that any ticket of
your party can beat ours.
The last words of distinguished men have
been strangely characteristic, and uttered as
they are at solemn and almost prophetic mo-
ment, cannot fail but to powerfully impress the
nearer. few OF the most notable are an
pended:
Napoleon ete d Arme.'
Goethe" More light
Chesterfield Hand DayroIIes chair"
Grown me with fowers.''
Capt. Kidd-"As sailed, as I sailed"
Marmion-"Charge, Chester, charge
Joe Bowers Bring On another bucket of
Taylor 4 kinney's lemonade-I thirst-then
l can die easy"
1t has been related that the Emerald Isle
has produced physician who, being called TO
examine man who had been killed by NEIGH
Dor, said oracularly. This person was 50 III
that, Il he had not been murdered, he wonld
have died half an hour before;'' an orator who
BECAME very angry at an Englishman cried ~
VIII punch your impenetrable head, and let ont
lne brains OF your empty SKULL an editor.
who wrote of the wrongs of his native isle
:, her cup OF misery has been for ages over,
Lowing, and is not yet full )" and a discrimi-
hanng historian, who stated that, in the first
place. Ireland was divided into three kingdoms
next into two kingdoms, and finally it Was al,
vided into one. ' ~ 40 I'LL
now HIGGINS GENTLY BROKE THE NEws
les, l remember that anecdote," the Sun
look In his eyes. 1T was about simnle cr Tau
ture named Higgins, that used to hanl rock
for old Maltby. When the lamented .JnJ doe
Bagley trripped and fell down the corr. house e
STAIRS and broke his neck, it was great ones
ton how to break the news to poor Mrs Rag-
ley; But finally the body was put into He.
g1n wagon and he was instructed to take # fo
Mrs: B., but to be very guarded and discreet
IN DIS language and not break the news to ber
al once, but do it gradually and gently. Wb no,
higgins got there with his sad freight he veil
ed till Mrs. Bagley came to the door. Then ba
said: An0n n0
"Does the wilder Bagley live here 2'
- he aUadoao Bagley No. sir
L IL pct she does. But have it your own
way: Well, does Judge Bagley live here?"
yes, Judge Bagley lives here"
LII bet he don't. But never mind-it amt
for me to contradict. Is the Judge in ?'' w
mo, not at present."
81 jest expected as much. Rac.nso NO.,
know-take hold o'suthin, mum. for I'm go. yuu
ing TO make little communication. and T recI-
on maybe it'll jar you some. There's heen an |
accident, mum. I've got the old Judge cnrled |
up out here IN the Wagon-and when you see |