The weekly Panola star. [volume] (Panola, Miss.) 1857-1881, 1870-10-22
Josh Billings on Hotels.

Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes lOr
the Migrants, the married mans retreat,
and the bachelors tireside.
They are kept In ali sorts ov ways, sum
on the European plan, and menny ov
them on no plan at all.
A good landlord IL like a good step
mother, he knows hiz bizness and means
to do his duty.
He knows how TO rub his hands with
Joy when a traveller draws nigh, he knows
how to smile, he knows yure wife's father
when he waz living, and yure wife's first
husband, but he don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether 1t will rain to-
morrow or not; he hears yure complaints
with a tear in his eye, he blows up the
servants at yure suggestion, and stands
around retdy with q shirt collar as stiff as
broken china.
A man may be a good Supream Court
Judge, and at the same time be q misera-
BILE landlord.
Most everybody thinks he kan keep a
hotel land they KAN but this ackounts
for the great number of hotels that are
kept on the same principle that a Justiss
ov the Peace ofiss IL kept in a country
during a six days jury trial for killing
sumboddy's yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the
landlord too, and ever kure the traveller
from the habit ov profsne swearing.
l hav had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me
swear wuss.
IL IL too often the kase that landlords
70 into the bizzlness ov hash as ministers
90 into the protesshun, with the very best
oy motives, but the poorest kind ov pros
poets,
I don't know ov any Dizziness more fat
tersum than the tavern Dizziness. There
don't seem to be anything to do but to
stand in front ov the register with a pen
behind the ear and see that the guests en-
ter the house, then yank a bell rope six or
seven times, and then tell John to sho the
gentleman to 176, and then take four dol
lars and fifty cents next morning from the
poor TELLER and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing land
it is the whole thing) in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskrip-
shun, a mild one, ov about 0 hotels out of
10 between the Atlantick and Pacifick
Oshuns akrost the United States in q
straight line:
You're room is IS foot 6 inches, by 0
foot Z inches, parallelogramly.
1t being court week les usually all the
good rooms are employed by the lawyers
and judges,
You're room is On the uttermost foer.
The carpet ia ingrain-ingrained with
the dust, kerosene lie and inkspots of four
, generashuns.
Thare IL two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto; one ov them broke oph
/, and the other pulled out and missing.
The buro has three legs and n brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two
9 pivots which have lost their grip.
= Thare liz one towel on the rack, thin,
but wet. The rainwater in the pitcher
cum out ov the well.
The soap IL az tuf to wear az a whet.
stone.
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie,
and varie gated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, q sectors, one
IL a rocker, and all three is busted.
Thare IL a match box, empty.
Thare IL no kurtin to the window, and
thare don't want to be any yu kant see
out, and who kan see in?
r The bell.rope IL cum oph about six
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed liz q modern slat bottom, with
two mattresses, one cotton, and one
husk, and both harder, and about az thick
Y az a sea biskit.
: Yu enter the bed side ways and kan
. feel every Stat at once, as easy az you
could the ribs of a grid iron.
Z The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep some but roll over a good
deal.
. For breakfast you have q gong, and
rhy coffee too kold to melt butter fried
potatoes which resemble the chips that q
two-inch auger makes in its journey
!, through an oak log.
Bread soiled beef stake about as thick
az a blister plaster, and as tough az q
hounds ear.
+ Table covered with plates, a few scared
to death pickles on n ov them, and
d fly endorsed crackers on the other.
Apewterinktum castor with three bottles
y in it, one without any pepper In it, one
(. without any mustard and one with two
inches of drowned flies, and sum vinegar
in it.
Servant gal, with hoops on, hangi
q around ye earnestly, and wants to know
q if yu want another cup ov coffee.
Yu say "No nom, l thank yu," and
push back yure chair.
Yu havn't eat enuf to pay for picking
4 yure teeth.
q / am about az self-conseated 81 it will
do for a man to be and not crack open,
! but | never yet consulted that ! could
= keep a hotel ; / had rather be a highwey-
msn than to be sum landlords i have
: visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a Joy upon the
earth, WHARF a man pays hiz bill as cheer.
. fully az he did the parson who married
y him /; WHARF yu ksn't fnd the landlord
y unless yu hunt 10 tho kitchen, WHARF ser.
= wants glide arophd like angels ov mercy
& WHARF the beds fit q mans back like Thu
4 feathers on agoose, and WHARF the vittleI
! taste just o. though yure wife or yur,
. mother hsd fried them.
Thezekind ov hotels ought tew b
bit on wheels ard travel around tn,
Of country /; they are just az phuu ov rea
st comfort az q thanksgiving pudding, bu'
but alas yes, alss they are az unplenty
az double-yolked eggs.