The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-02-01

dlIeI al, lor InOuSn he WO0ed, Jane
wouldn't.
Bay~ Why should man never marry a
woman named Ellen? Because by 50 doing
he rings his own K(neH)
B@gn A man was lately sent to the luna
tic asylum for persisting in planting horse
chestnuts in expectation of raising sorrel
colts
Delg@ Girls sometimes put their lips out
poutingly because they are angry, and
sometimes because they are disposed to
to meet you half way.
Reg@ Josh Billings says there are few
sights more sublime and pathetic than
to see a poor but virtuous young
man, full of Christian fortitude, strug-
Cling to grow a mustache
DG5~ There is kind Of grim humor in
the address Of devout deacon to his
new ly-settled pastor, as he gave him the
usual welceme, 1.-The Lord keep YOU
humble, and we will keep you poor"
Rsg- An old fellow being visited by his
pastor, he assured him he could not be Il
good Christian unless he took up his daily
cross; whereupon he caught up his wife
and began Juggling her about the room.
D8y" What is that which man does
not want and struggles against as long as
possible, but having once got it would
not part with it for the world?
a bald head
DGg" You charge dollar for killing a
calf, you smutty rascal :" said planter
to an old negro.
No, no, massa," replied the gentle
men from Africa, :" [ charge fifty for kill
um calf, and fifty for the hnow how.
Dsga Patrick" said a priest to an
Irishman, chow much hay did you stoal?"
Well, [ may as well confess to your
reverence for the whole stack, for my
wife and me are going to take the rest
the first dark night"
Deg~ Come back, Sir, that's not the
road" said Lord Englinton to trespass-
er in his park.
DO you ken whaur I'm gaunw said
the offender.
"No," replied his Lordship.
"Weel, hoo the de'el do you ken
whether this be the road OF no ?'
G5y~ A Wife in Bloomington, ILL.,, dur
ing the trial Of her first divorce case, in
terrupted her counsePs eloquent plea for
provision for her child with the remark
addressed to the court that, g 1t was not
provisions she wanted, but that she would
take whatever the court in its wisdom
might see fit to allow her, in money, be
that much or little"
Geg~ Parson, would much rather hear
you preach" said a bahied, swindling
horse7jockey, than see you interfere in
bargains between man and man."
"Well," replied the parson, if you
had been where you ought to have been
last Sunday you would have heard me
preach"
Where was that ?" inquired the jock =
ey.
In the State Prison." returned the
clergyman.
peB@ An English Bishop, who was fond
Of shooting, in one Of his excursions, met
with a friends game-keeper, whom he
sharply reproved for inattention to his
religious duties, exhorting him strenuous
ly to "go to church and read his bible"
The keeper in an angry mood, responded,
Why, | do read my bible, sir, but |
don't find in it any mention of the apos-
ties going a shooting"
" No, my good man, you are right"
said the bishop; Z" the shooting was very
bad in Palestine, so they went fishing in
stead.p
NI~ A repentant Jackass of hus-
band, from his hiding place in Galveston,
sent this letter to his wife in St. Louis.
How happily he combines afectionate for
giyeness with warning advice:
GALVESTON, January the 9TH, 1870.
My Lovin' Wife - line comm ONE mex