Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-04-01
humorous.

4NA I t4AhN wv tLANh AbtIA~1t az N-~ NA+%AAA-
Of your neighhors. Six per cent. viii do.
wHr is fashionable society like warming
pan ?-Because it is highly polished, batyery
hollow
THE Hartford Courant taDtalizes its read.
ers with this atroeity ''Have you heard Of
the man who got shot? Got sho:2 No; how
did he get shot2 He bought EN-.
aDox'T believe there's any use in vaecina-
ton, SAID Yankee 'Had a child yaccin
ated, and he fell out of a window next day,
and got killed.
AT medical examination young aspirant
was asked, when does modification ensue?''
"Wheu you propose and are rejected, was
the reply that greeted the amazed examiner
LADY. Can you wash and iron ~
DoNEsuc. "Oh yes, m but your place
would not suit me unless you knocked of
wearing them long Holland dresses Of . morn
ing
Mas. JoNEs, farmers wife, says. Il be-
lieve I've got the tenderest. hearted boys in
the world. I cautt tell one Of them to fetch
a pail of water. but that he'll burst out a.
crying
A lawyer ard a doctor were walking arm
in arm, wag said to a friend, ''these two
are just equal to one gh-wayman. "Wbyg'
was the response. Because it is a lawyer
and doctor-your money or your life :"
'ANY seats in the next ca? asked a pas
seuger III a crowded car of waggish conduc
tor.
Plenty of EN-, was the reply; but las
the passenger gathered up his effects prepa-
ratory to emigrating) they are all fuI."
MAMMA Berthe going the to country to
see the cows and the hens and the chickens. -
Berthe "Can BERTHE milk the cows nam,
map
Mamma mo, my my dear; the COWS are
too large for Berthe to milk
BERTHE. "Then, mamma, Berthe can milk
the hens and the chickens can't he nam
MAJ"
IL a class of little girls in one OF the schools
Of Boston the question was asked.
What is fort?
"A place to put men in, was the answer.
What is a fortress. them" asked the teach
er
This seemed puzzler, until one little girl
of eight summers answered,
"A place to put women in.
Is these days Of Woman's Right,
Our damsels' souls are bent
To VOWS Of fond affection plight,
They view love in a bus'ne light
That bus ness claim agent,
For when they're sued by ardent age,
Or by a youthful lover,
Who falters at the final stage,
They weep, upbraid in stormy rage,
Faint, sue aud then recoeer,
The following advertisement is from the
Birmingham Post;
"Wanted-a general servant in a small
family where a man is kept. The housework
and cooking all done by the members of the
family. The gentleman of the house rises
early, but prepares breakfast himself. All
the washing is put out, and the kitchen is
provided with every luxury. Cold meat and
hash studiously avoided. Wages no object
to a competent party. References and pho.
tographs exchanged.
CouNr Bismarck recently presented a
faithful but poor secretary with a portfolio
bound Ike book, in which we're deposited
five thousand thalers. On meeting his
secretary next day The count asked him if he
perused the volume Eyes, your highness, 8"
said the secretary, ''and lam waiting the sp-
Pearance of a second volume with feelings of
the greatest interest" The Count smiled,
but said nothing A few days afterward the
secretary received a second portfolio, bound
filed ike. the 6rst, and on the title page of
which was the sentence; ''This work is com
plete in two volumes.
Tue GoosE.-Josh Billings says the goose
is a grass animal, but don t chew her cud.
They are good livers- about one aker to
a goose is enough
But l don think if had farm of l75
akers, awl paid for, that I would sell it for
what it was worth, just bee1se it didn't have
but one goose on it Geese stay well, some
Of our best biographers say 60 years, grow
tough TO the last
They are good eating, but not good chaw-
ing the reason ov this remains a profound
secret to this day.
When the female goose is at work hatch
ing, she is a hard bird to pleaze; she riles
clear up from the bottom in a mint, and
viii fight a yoke Of oxen if they show her
the least bit ov sass. The geese are excel
lent for feathers, not only to feather their
nests but other peoples.
But they are more sureist about one thing;
they can haul one leg up into their boldly,
and stand on tether aul day, and not touch
anything with their hands.
How ONE Boy WHIPPED ANOTHER.
-'TI tell you how it was, You see, Bill
and me went down to the wharf to fish; aud
| felt in my POCKET and found my kaife, and
it was gone, and said, Bill you stole my
kuife; and be said was another. and said
Go there yourself; and he said be was no
such thing: aud | said he was liar, and !
could whip him if was bigger'n him; and
he said be d roek me to sleep, mother; and
| said he was a bigger one; and he said /
never had the measles; and said to fork
over that knife or | would fix him for a tomb
stone on Laurel Hill; and be said my grand.
mother was no gentleman; and | said be
dersn' take it up; but he did, you bet; then
] got up again, and said be was too much a.
fraid to do it again. aud he tried to but he
didn't and / grabbed him, and threw him
down on the top Of me like several bricks:
and | tell you it beat all-and so did he;
and my little dog got behind Bill and Bit
him: aud Bin kicked at the dog, and the
dog ran, and / ran after the dog to fetch
him back, and didn't each him until I got
clear home; and III whip him more yet. %