davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
Modern MOrtuary Paragraphmg.

Some gheul on the Cincinnati Times has
been gathering the following items from the
exchanges, and recommends them for
variety and freshness: A man in New
Hampshire the other day ate fifteen dozen
raw oyster on 8 wager. The silver trim
mings alone on his coffin cost twelve dol
lars and thirty-iVe cents. John Smith, in
Nebraska, said he could handle a rattle
snake the same as snake-charmer. The
churlishness of the undertaken in demand
ing pay in advance, delayed the funeral four
days. A circus rider in Texas tried to
turn three summersaults on horseback
the other day. The manager sent
back to New Orleans the following day
for another summersault man. A man in
New Jersey couldn't wal for the cars to get
to the depot, and jumped off His widow
has sued the Insurance Company. Few
men would attempt to dry gunpowderi in the
kitchen stove. A man In Canada did. His
aft ;cted family would be glad of any infor-
mssIon as to his Whereabouts. In Massa-
chusetts, the other day, man thought he
could cross the track in advance of the
locomotive. The services at the grave
were very impressive A man warned his
wife in New Orleans not to light fire with
kerosene. She didn't heed the warning.
Her clothes fit his second wife remarkably
well. A boy in Detroit disregarded his
mothers warning not to skate on the river,
as the ice was thin. His mother don't have
to cook for so many as she did into one.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
A Coed Dog story,

Our Dumb Animals tells good dog sto-
ry, every word of which we believe. A
Chelsea man, once on time, before the
running of horse cars, came to Boston with
his young wife, to attend the opera The
lady was so fascinated that she refused to
leave until the final drop of the curtain
Then, to the CONSERVATION of both, it was
found to be so late as to raise q serious
doubt whether the q o'clock Chelsea ferry
boat could be reached; and that was the
last trip for the night. Nevertheless, they
hurried down Hanover street, but only to
find, as they feared, that the boat had
gone. There was nothing left for them
but to foot it along Commercial street
to CharIestown bridge, and through
Oharlestown, over Chelsea bridge, lOlg.
dreary walk, and one which at that time
had bad reputation, by reason of some
recent assaults committed on belated pedes-
TRANS. The lady was greatly alarmed and
yeryunwillingly went forward. Butas they
we're hurrying along a strange, savage bull
dog aceOstcd them, much to the disgustand
alarm of the lady, who bid him ''be of, F"
of which, however, he took no notice, bat
after smelling around finally made up his
mind that they would answer his purpose,
and that he would be theirs, and so dellbsr-
ately trotted along after them When they
reached the long and dreary Chelsea bridge,
nothing induced the lady tOyenture forward
but the presence of this strange dog. Is
they were nearing the center of ths bridge,
slouchy man was discovered ahead, lean
ing against the rail Of the bridge, who i'm
mediately, on discovering the approach
ing party, began to move forward toward
ed here and there through 1t, were strang-
ers who had come to look ON, and invited
guests; they have nothing to do in this re-
port. But in the body of the hall sat the
remaining pupils of the Asylum, boys aud
girls together, and here and there young
men and ladies. They watched the per
formance with eager interest Their de-
light was continually being expressed by
strange sounds and chuckles, which, not
being heard by those about them, were not
frowned down. A girl would every now
and then burst into loud lNagh, which
struck strangely on ears not accustomed 20
| such demonstrations at such time. And
when the curtain had fallen, or rather been
drawn, how these little fingers did hJ
| Not a sound hardly was to be heard IN the
whole nall. and yet such deal of gossip
ing as was going on.
One strained his ears to hear the buzz
that should have filed the room. So
many eyes glsncing, and so many fingers
telegraphing about what bad been seen,
but not whisper 10 be heard. In distant
parts of the hall, the pupils stood up and
telegraphed to each other in a way that
New York audiences would well like to do
in their theatres. About Sl00 will be re-
allied by the performance. Z. Sun.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
josh Billings in the EDITORS Chair.
HIS ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

his ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENCE.
Fred--Yew amt oblieged to ask the girls
mother if you may go home with her from
party; get the girls Endorsement, and &C
! in; it is proper enough to ask her to take
your arm, but you have no right to put youl
arm around her waist unless you meet Q
bear on the road, and then you are suppos-
! ed to relinquish your hold as soon as the
bear gets safely by.
Whip-You are right; mules live to 9
lonely age; I have known them myself tc
live one hundred years, and Iot half try.
You are also right about their being sure
footed : I have known them to kick o boy
twice in a second, ten feet Off
Gertrude-Your inquiry stumps me. The
more I think about it, the more can't tell.
As near as 1 can recollect now, 1 think ]
don't know. Much might be said both
ways; neither may be right. Upon the
whole, think that I would or wouldn't,
Just as think best or otherwise.
PIutarch-You're mistaken; the Shakers
don't marry. If young Shakers fall in love,
they are set to weedin' onions, which kures
them forthwithly. l can't tell you how
much it takes to join the Shakers, but
believe the expense used to be, including
having your hair cut and learning to dance,
about IS dollars.
Sportsman-Your inquiry is not exactly
In my line, but 1 haste to reply as follows,
to wit: The right length to cut offa dorg'f
tail has never been fully discovered, but il
is undoubtedly somewhere back OF the
ears, provided you get the dOrg's consent
n. B.-It isn't necessary to have the dorg'f
consent in whiting.
Kitty-To my own personal views in the
premises, it appears that the best rat and
mice exterminator is wellregulateC
Thomas cat; beware of base limitations
sold by the respectable druggists.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

80 10 35 per cent lower than most mutual
companies, aRd were arranged By Enzur
Wright-the highest living authority ON in
surance-at the lowest rates possible to in
sure with perfect safety. The net cash re-
ceipts, last year, were S2S7, ,S9S, and the losses
by death S63 600.
The TRAVELLERS also transact
ACCIDENT INSURANCE,
with separate and ample reserve fund to
guaranty 10 policy-holders specific sum
against death by accident, and weekly in
demnity of from So to $50 for six m 1nths
or less, in case of totally disabling
injury. 1t is the oldest Accident Insurance
Company, aud the only one issuing yearly
policies, and 1t has paid over 81, 900 t.
nearly II 900 policy holders, having disbursed
S195, ,696 TO 1,l9l policy holders the last year.
The two departments strengthen each other,
and the success of the Company in both de-
paTtments is unequalled. Its net assets are
81, ,351, COZ, being S609, ,319 in excess of all liza
bllities, including the reserve fund necessary
according to the highest standard. TO REIN
sure all outstanding policies in both depart
ments. II is one of the best managed COM
panies, and the Western Manager. General
julius White-Of lifelong experience in in
sufance --issues policies and settles all losses
promptly in both DEPARTMENTS, without re-
Terring them to the parent Office, thus making
it practically Western institution p.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
How a Little Boy Interviewed Prince
Arthur. .-.

From the Charlestown Giass.l Advertiser.
The day Prince Arthur was at the st.
James, DIR. -, of Boston, said TO his lit
tie nephew of ten years, who came home
full OF the Prince, run; up to the hotel,
Johnny, and say to the Prince that your
aunt would like to have him call and take
tea with her. The doctor then, straight
way, forgot the circumstance. But an hour
after Johnny came running in and declared
the Prince was ''real nice, though they
tried to prevent my seeing him. We had a
long talk, and told him all about mother
where we live, and ever so much" so
you saw him, did you? well. what did he
say is he coming to tea?" 'No, he
can't come; he's only got time to attend
the funeral, and he's real sorry. 1t turned
out, ON inquiry, that Johnny had present.
ed himself to the usher of the Princes
apartments, was put of. but would not be
rebufed He wanted to see the Prince
and must, for his uncle had sent him. His
persistence finally gained his admittance;
he was presented and humored, the inter
view was mutually agreeable, and the lad
had the longest and liveliest chat with
Arthur of any person in Massachusetts. s.
That boy will be sure to make his way In
the world. 80
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
aDullne FOLKS department..
TwOLITTLEKITTENs.

TWe take from the Parish Magazine this little
story in verse. The moral is plain]
Two little kittens, one stormy night,
Pegan to quarrel and then to light;
One had mouse, the other had noue,
And that was the way the quarrel begun.
'' IN have that mouse" said the biggest cat.
60 KOu'H have that nOusel Wen see about that.
&c / iyiU have that mouse" said the eldest son.
& You Sidnt have that mousel" said the little one
] told you before twas a stormy night
When these two little kittens began 10 fight;
The old woman seized her sweeping broom
And swept the two kittens right out Of the room
The ground was covered with frost and snow,
And the two little kittens had nowhere to goS
So they laid them down on the mat at the door
While the old woman finished sweeping the floor.
Then they crept in as quiet as mice, --r..-
All wet with Snow ard as cold as ice,
For they found il was better that stormy night
To lie down and sleep than to quarrel and fight.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

SALT FIELDS as rich in brine as those re-
Gently discovered in Goderich, Canada,
have been discovered in Sanilsc county,
Michigan. The lands comprise about 800
acres, and lie about six miles inland from
Lexington, the county seat of Sanilac, and,
in describing them, Prot. Winchell says:
This district is underlaid by the Marshall
sandstone, and black bitaminous slate.
which burns freely, bot is not to be taken
as an Indication of coal. These formations
are the same as yield petroleum in Canada
West At the depth of 1,OO0 or 200 feet
is a copious salt formation-the Salina salt
basin-which would afford supply of
brine on your land. This is the source of
the brine at Syracuse, n. Y, and at Port
Austin, st Clair, and Mt. Clements, Mich,
and Goderich, Canada, directly across the
lake from your locality"
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

/
The melancholy fa,e of Captain Cook,
who fell s victim to the resentment and
gluttony of the natives of Hawaii, one of
/ the Sandwich Islands, has hindered the
tide of travel from strongly setting that
way. Few people desire to live in sec
ton where unpleasant events of that kind
are apt to force themselves upon the atten-
ton. There is greater liking in the hu-
Fman breast for eating than being eaten,
and so the general tendency, on purely
prudential grounds, has been against the
adoption of the Sandwich Islands as q
place of popular resort. People will nour-
ish these little pIejudices, and as there are
those who would grumble even were they
to be shaved by French guillotine, at
public expense, we desist from unseemly
criticism.
But, since Captain Cook was broiled and
eaten, times and customs have changed,
and now there is little danger, in the far
of islands ofthe Pacific from cannibals and
man-slayers. Last night, John Hodge,
Esq, Secretary of Merchants Gargling Oil
Company, was married to one of Lockports
fairest daughters, and started for the Sand
wich Islands Uid Salt Lake and San Fran
cisco. t-e-sz - =. =-.s
This is the first instance, we believe,
in which the Sandwich Islands have been
included in the list of places to be visited
on wedding trip, but we shall not think It
strange if the example of Mr.. Hodge be
followed by many others who are making
up cards for fashionable wedding.
We presume that Mr.. Hodge will COM
bine business with pleasure, and that he
will introduce his celebrated and valuable
medicine into the Islands, while he is occu-
pied with the agreeable duties devolving
upon him in his newly assumed capacity.
Mr. Hodge has achieved wide and envi-
able reputation as Secretary and response
BILE business manager of Merchants
Gargling Oil Co., and the advertising and
personal columns of thousands of news
papers are familiar with his name and bust
ness.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

SHERDAN's HoRsE.-General Sheridan
himself says of the horse which he rode at
Winchester: ''Rienzi was given me by the
late Colonel Campbell, of the Second Mich
gan Cavalry, at Rienzi, Miss, (whence his
name, in July, 1862; At that time he was
rising three years old, and gave promise of
great strength and vigor. l always regard
ed him as having been presented by Colonel
Campbell on behalf of his regiment, not
withstanding the fact that Colonel Camp
he'll was said to have owned him personality
He is a thoroughbred Black Hawk, has but
two white spots upon him, one on the fore
head and one upon his right hind pastern." p"
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

: ORG OF the most valuable inventions in
use is the metal-tipped shoes for children,
yet 1t is almost impossible to linda good
tAbped shoe at our shoe stores. Is 1t be-
cause they wear longer, that the shoe dealers
keep SO pooran assortment, preferring to sell
the shoe that will wear out the quickest
1t certainly looks so. Children always wear
out their shoes at the toe first. Parents
who have bought nice shoe at cost OF
81, SO, have found that in two or three
weeks they would be out at the toe. The
same shoe, with metal tips, would wear
five or six months. No one can afford to
buy shoes for children without metal tips.
The annoyance of buying new shoes every
month is worth saving, to say nothing of
the money sayed.-,JOurndl.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

In NUMBERS there is safety. 1t was upon
this principle that the formula OF Juds ms
Mountain Herb Pills was prepared. Dr.JTd
son, intending to spend afOrtune IN advertis-
ing his pills, submitted his recipe 70 the re-
vision OF the most intelligent and learned
simple but most effcaciOus medielne-the
Judson's Mountain Herb Pills. They purify
the blood, remove all ObstructiOns, cleanse
the skin of all pimples and blotches, and are
perfectly sure and safe III their operation.
The JudsOn Mountain Herb Fills cure BIlous-
ness, Female Irregularities, Headache, and
many OF the diseases arising from impure
blood and deraaged digestion. Use the
JudsOn's No Inlain Herb Pills, and when YOU
have proved thrir virtue recommend them 70
vour friends. They ara both zUgar-coated
and plain. For sale everywhere.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
a PnoFusE md many Ilmes excessively .

A PRoFUsR and many JImes excessively OF
fensiye discharge from the nose, with stop
plug up OF the nose at times, impairment o,
the sense of smell aud taste, Watering or weak
eyes, impaired hearing, irregular appetite, oc-
casiOAal nauses, pressure and pam over the
eyes, and at times in the back Of the head
occasional chilly sensations, cold feet, and a
feeling Oflassitude and debility are symptoms
which are common TO catsrrh, yet all OF them
are not present III every case. DR.. Sage's
Catarrh Remedy cures catarrh IN lts Wsrst
form aud stages. 1t is pleasant 20 use, and
contains no poisonous or caustic drugs.
Sent BY mail on receipt Of sixty cents
Address r. V. Pierce. NJ. D., Buffalo, N Y -
Fer saIa nv most Druggists everywhere.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
A STRANGL LUNATiC.
The seeO@d Messiah and Perpetual
MOtiOnist ON the Gold Basis
Ernrr, tto L o.,inuili. fr,r,riar. I.,r,,-,nI


From the Louisville Courier-JournaI-
4 young man giving his name as r. n.
Hull was arraigned in the CITY Court yes
terday on a charge of lunaey. He had been
found the day before on the river bank,
near the residence of AIR Gaar, about two
and a ailf miles below Portland He had
built Linn fire there during the night, and
slept by 1t on the cold ground, with the :
thermometer below zero. He was about
twenty-seven years of age, and, though he
gave evidences OF being man Of educa-
ton and Teiinement, his clothes were of
the worst material, and in shreds at that.
He told a very curious and inecherent
tale to the iDry, and it Of itself induced
them 10 render verdict OF lunacy. He
said, to commence with, that he was me-
chanie, and the inventor OF perpetual mo-
ton on the gold basis. This very valuable
invention he did not desire to make paiest,
but has, however, sent it to Washington,
where it is now on exhibition. ard l. sHb-
ject to any disposition the authorities wish
TO make of it. He says he has also invent
ed the round belt to run with the grain OF
the leather. Being the second Messiah.
his missioa Is to save the whole world.
Spiritualsm, he says, is one Of the new re-
hgions, but, because his mOtherwasa Meth
OuANts AS - hO DuJ lpllONS us
calling By supernatural means. The Virgin
Mary, ne says, is his religion When asked
what supernatural power was; he said, 'the
mind" He claims to have the golden key,
and is on his way to Pixies Peak. He said
his mother was no relative of his. whatever
only an acquaintance. In this incoherent
manner be talked to the jury for nearly an
hour. One Of the most wonderful of his
inventions was an ak which cut wood with
perpetual motion. When asked why 1t
moved perpetually, he gave the same ex-
planatiOn as in the case Of his other inven-
tiOns-''beeause it is perfect"
He told Of his journey from Pennsylvani
TO tbs place, coming down the bank
the Ohio River, and named places and in
eidents ON the way that showed this part
of his story to be true. Mr.. Gaar had to
deceive him in order to get hi1l tothe city,
and upon arriving at the station house the
mailman became Wild, and it required the
aid of two strong fnsn-t to place HIM in the
cell He struggled desperately, and tore
the coat off one of the officers. The finally
got Kim to the cell, however, when he
quieted down, and has since been very
doeile. He was sent TO Frankfort in charge
OF police officer. He says his mothers
name is Emily Hull, and she lives in
TWinsburg, Summit county, Ohio. - -,--
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
pnttrg.
TImE LONG PAST.
nr rrncr pTssHE sHEILEI.

FThis poeun Is one Of several discovered in mann
scrint nv NJ W. II. Rossetu, and is now published
for the iirst tirae in his Life Of the poet.l
LIKE the ghost Of dear friend dead
Is time long past.
A tone which ig now forever ned,
hope which il now forever past
love so sweet 1t could not last
Was time long past -
There were sweet dreams in the night
OF time long past:
And, was ii sadness or delight
Each day shadow onward cast,
Which made us wish it yet might last
That time long pasti
There is regret. almost remorse,
For meloDg past;
It's like child's beloved corse
father watches. till at last
Beauty is like remembrance cast
From time long past.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

leaped into a small tree followed by the
bear, which seized his boot. A ball from
the revolver glanced over his forehead, rip
ping a long scratch, but doing him no NOR
tai hurt, and he fell back all In a heap,
dragging off the boot and ran to his mate.
He turned her over with the unhurt paw,
uttered an appalling roar of pain and anger,
and once more ran and hinged at the tree.
Again the revolver scared him back, and
again he ran to his mate, turned her over
and roared. Thus he ran backward and
forward, and each time only the pistol
saved Reeds life, so enormous was the
bears length when he leaped into the tree.
The fifth shot pierced his windpipe, and
he ran and lay down close. beside his mate,
Reed, now loaded again.. and sent a ball
crashing through his brain.
So wonderful was the vitality of the
mighty brute that, with his brains oozing
out, he whined like sick child for twenty
minutes. And thus together they lay,
those iercest brutes We know, and yet SO
constant IN their death.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
RovaJ uayana Lottery OF Cuba.

Three hundred h0uSdHd dollars IN COD
d alcp, eUe11J II dayS. Prizes cashed ana in
formation furnished. The highest rates paid
for Doubloons and all kinds of Gold and Sill
yer, gOvernme ut securities, &c.- TA1LOR x
Co. Bankers No. Is Wall St, n Y.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11
$50 calmly ,calls Ge gentle breeze,

When laoues ne J0iHds Ger CeyioH's seas"
Ceylon has been made tributary TO the pro-
prietOrs OF Rings AmbF0sia, and furnishes
one of the choice perfumes which make that
genuine II cir Restorative 80 popular. All Hair
Restoratiyes need good perfume, but we
think the praprietors Of Rings have beenpe-
cuharly fortunate in the selection of theirs.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

cHAPPED HANDS, FACE, RoUeH SKIN, PM
PIES, RingWorm, Salt Rheum, and all other
cutaneous affections cured, and the Skin
made soft and smooth, by using the Jumper
Tar Sedp, made by CASWELL, HAZARD q
Co., New York. II is more convenient and
easily applied than other remedies, avoiding
the trouble of the greasy compounds now IN
u5e. Sold bY all druggists.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

HoOFLASD's GERMAN Tonic, combines ali
the ingredients of the Bittrrs, with pure
santa Cruz Rum, orange, anise, &c. 1t makes
a delightfully."- pleasant preparation, and Is
nsed fIr the came diseases as the Bitters, in
cases where seme Alcoholic Stimulus is nee
essary
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

The PUREsr AND SWEETEST COP Liver OIL
N THE WORLD is Hazard Z Casweil,s made o.
the sea shore, from fresh, selected lyess, y
OASWEEL, HAZARD s. Co., New York IL
is absolutely pure aud s1oeet. Parties Wht
have once taken it prefer it to all others. -
Physicians have decided it superior to. any Of
tbe other oils in market. Sold Oy all drug
faka
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

If YOU do not feel well you send for a doc
for, he calls upon you, looks wise, scrawls
some hierOSlypbics upon piece II paper
which you taSe to a drug store ami there pay
so cts. TO S1.00, besides the doctors fee, Tor a
remeCy nine times cut If ten not half 50
good as DIR. dOrse's Indian Root Pills, which
costs but 25 cts. Der box Do you thnk the
former the best, because yen pay the most
for il II you de-, we advise Won TO use, Just
ss an experiment, the MOrse's Indian Root
Pills. Thev are prepared from q formula
pronounced by the most learned physicians
OF our country 10 be the bes; and most uOl-
versaI of family medicines. The MOrse's
Indian Root Pals cure headac g, LIVER Com
plants, Indigestion, Dyspepsia, Female
Irregularities, &c, and are Put up both
-ugar-cOsted and plain. Give them trial.
Sold by all dealers
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

A sMARr Cow.-The Canaan Reporter
tells the following: VIM. W. George, of
Canaan, OWNS q COW which at ten months
old weighed COS pounds, has furnished the
necessary amount of milk and cream for
family of five persons, and made 1854 lbs;
of butter, commencing Feb. %, 1869, and
ending Jan. IA, 1870 Butter, at 40 cents
a pound, S195 40; has been offered for the
calf, $50 90! total income, $185.40,
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

R.P. Hall & Co, Nashua, N. H., proprie-
tors OF Halls Vegetable Siciliaa Hair Renew
er, publish treatise on the Hair, which. they
viii send free to any one on application. This
il a valuable little book. Send for il.
The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-03-11

JUDaH RUSSELL says, ''Dr. Beers, Boston,
Mass.. has a certain cure for dTInkea1,eSs.' =
Sopd for cireular.