The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1870-01-22
Putting Up Stoves.
BY MARK TWAIN.

We do not remember the exact date of
the invention of putting up stoves, but it
was some years ago. Since then mankind
have been tormented once year, by the
difficulties that beset the task of putting
them up, and getting the pipes fixed. With
all our Yankee ingenuity no American has
ever invented any method by which the
labor of putting up stoves can be lessened.
| The job is severe and vexatious as human
ty can possibly endure, and gets more so
every year.
Men always put their stoves up on a
rainy day. Why, we know not but we
never heard of any exception to this rule.
| The first step to be taken is to put on
very old and ragged coat, under the i'm
preston that when he gets his mouth full
of plaster it will keep the shirt bosom
clean. Next, the operator, gets his hand
inside the place where the pipe ought to
go and blacks his fingers, and then he
carefully makes black mark Down the
side of the nose. Having got his face prop
erly marked, the victim is ready to begin
the ceremony.
The head of the family-who is the big
goose of the sacriice-grasps one side Of
he bottom of the stove, and his wife and
he hired girl take hold of the other side.
In this way the load is started from the
woodshed toward the parlor. Going through
the door, the head of the family will care
July swing his side of the stove around
md jam his thumb nail against the door
post. This part Of the ceremony is never
omitted. Having got the family comfort
IN place, the next thing is to find the legs.
Two of these are left inside the steve since
the spin before. The other two must be
hunted after, for twenty-five minutes
They are usually found under the COAL
Then the head of tn family holds up one
side of the stove while his wife puts two
Of the legs in place, and next he holds up
the other while the other two are fixed,
and one of the first two falls out. By the
time the stove is on its legs he gets reck-
less and takes off his old coat, regardless
of his linen.
Then he goes for the pipe and gets two
cinders in his eye. 1t don't make any diff
ference how well the pipe was put up last
year it will always be found little too
Short OF a little too long. The head of the
family jams his hat over his eyes and TAX
ing pipe under each arm goes to the tin
shop to have il fixed. When he gets back,
me steps upon one of the best parlor chairs
to see if the pipe fits, and his wife makes
him get down for fear he will scratch the
varniSh off from the chairs with the nails
in his boot heel. In getting down he will
surely step OH the cat, and may thank his
tars that it is not the baby. Then he gets
md old chair and climbs up to the chimney
tgain, to find that in cutting the pipe off,
the end has been left too big for the hole
n the chimney. So he goes to the wood
,hed and splits one side of the end of the
pe with an old axe, and sQueszes it in his
lands to make it smaller.
Finally he gets the pipe in shape, and
inds the stove does not stand true. Then
himself and wife and the hired girl move
o the left and the legs fall out again.
Next it is to move to the right. More diff
iiculty now with the legs. Elbow not even
With the hole in the chimney, and the head
IF the family goes again to the woodshed
liter some little blocks. While putting
he blocks under the legs, the pipe comes
nut of the chimney. That remeded, the
:lbow keeps tipping over, to the great
dram of his wife. Head of the family gets
he dinner table out, puts the old chair on
t, gets his wife to hold the chair, and bal
lnces himself on it to drive some nails into
the ceiling. Drops the hemmer on wife's
head At last gets the nails driven, takes
wire swing to hold the pipe, hammers a
little here, pulls little there, takes a long
breath, and announces the ceremony con-
cluded.
Job never put up any stoves. 1t would
have ruined his reputation if he had