The Van Buren press., 1870-04-12
MISCELLANY.
From The Illustrated London Ners.
Uncle Bachelors Opinions.

and, though the kindest-hcarted creature
you'd meet, even ON Christmas morn
ing, in England, he couldn't help saying
a hard thing now and then.
The conversation ON Christmas Eve
happened to turn upon Uncle Bachelor s
single -larity of disposition. 'i %
You might as well be hermit, Uncle
Batchelor," said Miss Mary. a M
81 wouldn't though" retortcd uncle,
because there's a Her in hermit; and
that's an objection to the name" ft
~ know; = said my mother, who was
always arranging ideal matches; 81
know the very person foryou, uncle; it's
a Lady,
81 supposed as much,' intcrposed my
uncle. ..
Don't interrupt me when I'm talking
for your good l am going to say it's a
lady who has retired from the world
o" Ah!' said uncle "a widow" 'H
"Yes,' answered my mother, "young
and handsome" t'.i
Won't do" returned Uncle Batche-
lor; then he added, somewhat senten-
tiously, "a young and'handsomc widow,
] who et res from the world, does so like
4 chnd sccreting' itself behind curtain
in a game of hide and seek. 1t is that
she may be sought for, found, and
Brought out again.
why do you call women the 'oppo-
site sex 2" asked cousin Annie, willtully
Because, my dear, they contrary as,
as the French express it," returned I'm
Gle Bachelor; +" and the French use the
word very happily
But" said my uncle, "why on earth
should lovers call their sweethearts an
gels!' All the angels in whom we've
any warrant for believing, are OF the male
SEX"
And here the old gentleman, who was
bit of theolosian, began list from
St Michael downwards. He certainly
had the best of the argument.
, " However much you may abuse us
poor women," said Mary to Uncle Batch
elor one day; at all events, you Il own
that we'r more self-denying than men,
Yes" replied uncle. You'll sacri-
fee yourselves to gain your object.
"The Pagans," observed Matilda, who
was well read, and trusted much to the
suddcnness Of her mode Of attack on Tn.
Gle Bachelor, "the pagans were able to
appreciate women. They made the
Graccs and the MUSES. women"
EYES, returned my uncle, as ready as
DR.. Lempriere himself, "and the Furies
too"
With that he took a prodigious pinch
of snuff.
"a man who takes snuff" cried ou
little Emmy. coming to the rescue" can
make love"
Z" Amor ndsciter non .ft Go and lool
that out in the dictionary, Matilda"
Uncle Bachelor retrcated, firing ,
pinch Of rappoe as he disappeared.
Ny father and mother were in tho mid
die of a domestic argument when uncle
came in Mother straightway fell to
weeping, and my father gave in. .f
IL never understood the force ci wa
ter, John" remarked Uncle Bachelor to
my father, "until | saw your wife cry
Her tears turned the argument" Il.
81 got the best of ~ said my father
las far as the grounds Of reasoning
went" i
Grounds replied uncle, catching al
the word. . Yes, you might have wor
there but she conquered by watcr.'
l have said that Uncle John was bi,
of theologian. A Catholic priest used
to visit at our house, and nothing gave
uncle greater pleasure than to exchange
pinches of snuff with him and to argue
out various points Of difference between
them; in which warfare uncle always
came OFT second best, except once, and
thi was ,lc occasion, ..l..r... ID.
You've only got six sacramcnts in
I your churGh," my uncle asserted. ...
Six exclaimed his reverence, as
tonishcd Why, Mr. Bachelor there
are seven .a
IL know better rctortcd my uncle
"you've only six" .. ID
Permit me- said the clergyman
mildly, feeling sure Of his ground, :" to
ennmcratc them. Two are the same as
with you----"
Quitc So" answered uncle compla
Gently.
"Thcn," continued the priest, check
ing them of on his fingers, "there's S
penancc, matrimony"--
81" Stop! interrupted uncle, his eyes
| twinklinp. UThnt's where vou'rc wrong