Knoxville weekly chronicle. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1870-1875, 1870-07-06
FARM AND HOME.
MARK TWAIN.
Melancholy Result Of His Attempt toI Edit
an Agricultural Paper.

But was III circumstances that made the
salary an.object. The regular editor Of the
paper was going off for a holiday, and / ac-
cepted the terms he offered and took the
place.
The sensation of being at work again
was luxurious, and | wrought all week
with unfiagging pleasure. We went to
press, and waited Il day with some solicit
tude to see whether my effort was going to
attract any notice. As left the Office, to-
ward shutdown, agroup of men and boys ut
the foot of the stairs dispersed with one inn
pulse, and gave me passage way, and |
heard one or two of them say: "That's
himW | was naturally pleased by this in
cident.
The next morning | found similar
group at the foot of the stairs, and scatter
ing couples and individuals standing here
and there in'the street, and over the way,
watching me with interest. The group
separated and fell back rs | approached,
and | heard Il man say: Look at his eyesp'
l pretended not to observe the notice was
attracting, but secretly l was pleased with
1t, and was proposing to write an account
of 1t to my aunt. | went up the short
flight of stairs and heard CHEEKY voices and
ringing laugh as / drew near the door,
which | opened ana caught a glimpse of
two young, rural-looking men, whose faces
blanched and heightened when they saw
me, and then they both plunged through
the window with great crash. | was sur
prised.
In about half an hour, an old gentleman
with flowing beard and fine but rather
austere face, entered and sat down at my
invitation. He seemed to have something
ON his mind. He took off his hat and set
it on the floor and got out of it red silk
handkerchief and a copy of our paper. He
put the paper on his lap, and, while he pol
ished his spectacles with his handkerchief,
he said:
Are you the new editor?"
| said | was.
"Have you ever edited an agricultural
paper before?'
NO" said "this is my first attempt"
Very likely; have you had any eXpe
rienee in agriculture Practically?'
Some instinct told me so,n said the old
gentleman, putting on his spectacles and
looking over them at me with asperity,
while he folded his paper into u convenient
shape. - / wish to read you what must
have made me have that instinct. 1t was
this editorial Listen, and see if it was
you that wrote it:
"Turnips should never be pulled-it in
jures them. 1t is much better to send
boy up and shake the tree"
Now, what do you think of that-for
L really suppose you wrote il ,"
- Think of it? Why, think it is good |
| think it is sense. have no doubt that |
every year millions and millions of bushels |
Of turnips are spoiled in this township
alone by being pulled in half-ripe condi- |
ton, when, if they had sent boy up to
shake the tree
"Shake your grandmother, Turnips
don't grow on trees ~
ooh, they don't, don't they? Well, who
said they did? The language was intend
ed to be tigurative, wholly figurative.
L,
that meant that the boy should shake the
Vine.n
Then the old person got up and tore his
paper all into small shreds, and stamped
on them, and broke several things with his
cane, and said | did not know as much as
"A COW, and then went out and banged the
door after him, and in short, acted in such
Il way that l fancied he was displeased
about something. But, not knowing what
the trouble was, ] could not be any help to
him.
The regular editor came in He was
looking sad, and perpleXed and detected
He surveyed the wreck that old rioter and
these two young farmers had made, and
then said
"Ths is sad business-a very sad bust
ness. There is the mucilage bottle broken,
and six panes of glass, and IA spittoon and
two candlesticks. But that is not the
worst The reputation Of the paper is in
Jured, and permanently, / fear. True
there never was such a call for the paper
before, and it never sold such large edi-
ton, or scared to such celebrity but does
one want to be famous for lunacy, and
prosper upon the intirmites of his mind
My friend, "a | am an honest man, the
street out here is full o. people, and Others
are roOsting on the fences, waiting to get
glimpe of you, because they think you are
crazy. And well they might, after read
ing your editorials They are a disgrace
to journalism. You do not seem TO know
the first rudiments of agriculture. You
speak of furrow and harrow as being
the same thing; you talk of the moulton
season for cows and you recommend the
domestication of the pole-cat on account of
Its playtulness and its excellence as
ratter. want you to go. Nothing on
earth could persuade me to take another
holiday. Oh, why didn't you tel me you
didn't know anything about agriculture ?n
"1eu you, you cornstalk, you cabba age
you son of caulifiower. It's the first
time | ever heard such an unfeeling re-
mark. / tell you | have been in the edi-
torial business going on fourteen years and
il is the first time i ever heard of a mans
having to know anything i'm order to edit
a newspaper. You turnip! Who write
the dramatic critiques for the second-rate
papers? Why, parcel of promoted shoe
makers and apprentice apothecaries, who
know Just as much about good acting as |
do about good farming, and no more. Who
review the books? People who never