The democrat. [volume] (Weston, W. Va.) 1868-1874, 1870-04-11
A screed from josh Billings.

I.. :
Z Last winter the eminent "komic" lee
iurcr delivered his euphouious essay Oh
Milk" in Wheeling, on which occasion
he gave way TO his feelings in the follow
ing strain:
T lecturcd here last ui;c on "NIilk" and
the aujience seemed tcw relish the liquor.
Wheeling IL the capital of Wost Vir-
giua, and il lokutcdon tho south side ov
the Ohio river; ninety-six miles below
Pittsburg, and lrilc over thirty-fve
hundred miles west ov London and Liy-
NerpOol. a'"'1''' '' p"
1t IL very orderly town. I saw no
one murdered during my stay aa
They hay a mayor and some common
council-rery worthy men, | am told
which sounds fuany unufF to a New Yor-
ker-who hay learned to look upon few
months in States prison ~ a necessary
polish for the municipal board.
Dogs are very plenty here. and so are
feas and what struck me as very funny,
1.-THE dogs carry the flcas around on their
backs.
Mules arc also very thick herc,gI coun-
ted eight yesterday strung onto one wag-
ging, driven bi a venerable and mature
darkcy. and drawing about n ton-not
load to excite marvel aud indiguusiun ov
our, humane l}ergh. Mules in Wheeling
seem to have lost their ambi,hun or left
it at hom. Their ears all lop like corn
that is ripe and ready to pluck from the
stalk, and they don't pay any mere atIen-
fshun5tothc tlics than an tmty sugar hogs
head duz.
think theze cigi,t mules must hav had
six q unrts ov flies on thcm-I didn't
count thcm-all stuck fast, and it waz
only now and then that amulciwaycd lis
tail.
don't known whether this ipattepshun
to'tlie flies waz owing to the pa'lapcc or
philosophy Of the mules Or to tho fackt
aot generally known that the mulo can't
hear.
A mule can,kick further than lie can.
hear. ,lsl .iN IS. S@.,,I
Some oy tho least edukated Of tho nat
ural animals will be iukliued TO doubt
this assurshob oyp,inc. ,hattlle mule is
def, but b0tt emmy ovithem 10 dollars
on it, uud put the money in the hans for
After. bay wuh the MONEY. Chase MIA nil
give it 10 sum deserving charity. for in
| Stance such az wimmeSs riuhis. }ersh's
i"cruel animal orsanizashln." / don't
believe in winning BET, unless you, lay
it toutimHcjiatcly in morals lsGor1t Of 1trst iluss
ibopeyolence. ''2i nf9,0.',
liSfNEhetlinr las n bizzscss Look to its
countcnance, the whnrfs are stuck full oy
smboats. and prosperity walks round
tho town with hiz hands stuck deep into
his pockets, wl,istlirg that benign and
Timber old tuno, "Dunicl Tucker haz ar.
eived."
waz partickularly struck with TIM
buty ov the Young la,Iy here, so much so
that mi wife differed entirely with me
and declared slla couldn't see t.
Mi wife il woman ov uucrrinr iudg.
ment, but she kant bcar tow hav me bras
OH o.lcr f.maiIs: She calls il nwastinp mi
talents, which huy bin entrusted 10 inc for
otheriand better purposes" e.ia
The late ackt oy enansipaslun has
thrown a vast lot ov p,. nerros out oy employ
,neut in Wheeling; thew don't seem tcw ~
hay cnny thing to do, only tcw belong tow
tbemsclf wllicli IL the hardest kind ov
work for tie poro ,rlcllows. '-,
The negro must be elevated or destroy.
ed; not elevated bi The hair ov the head,
). for that IL too short a holt, bu t bi lerning
lin tex work for himself. ofsm .
Emmy man who laz learned tew work
for hlmsclfiz thrcc.qaarters elevated.
Hi wife land uc) leave here Tomorrow
for Cincinnati.
(lt may not be generally known, but i
state it here, once for nll that mi wife IL
tho principal woman in our family.)
Ii d, me mi heart good to hear little
phellow with hugo bundle oy papers
under lis arm; Ills voice runs out on the
frosty dir ike tic challenge oy a game
II bonsbt One. md WIZ S,'dlec ndleeaczei to 70 SEQ
| = SSSc"S .l~-'-t '''''