The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1870-06-29
The josh Billings Papers.
SLIPS OF TIE PEN,

Inc WlZeSG CnlnB ABOUT q man IL his
conscience-edukashun don improve it.
If you want tew find out the ruling
pashun ov boss, feed him high on oats
it il jiss SO with mankind.
Az general r6le, the best way IL to
decide yuresef what buziness in life it liz
best for yure yung one tew follow, and
then stick him at it while he is timber
men always pole vines before they begin
to run much.
The only way for me to git out ov r.
tight spot il tew git into it fust. Sum
folks kan tell exactly how thing feels
by not tutching it, but kant
The more babes in q family the eazier
and better they are raised-one chicken
alwus makes an old hen more clucking
and scratching than duzen duz.
1t takes ON uncommon smart man now
daze tew make money by telling the truth
1t is aktually an evidence ov genius.
It IL very small spot in the lightning
bugs tale that shines. It is the darkness
ov the mite that makes it so brilliant. It
liz iist so with virtew.
Missing revenge liz like missing @ yung
hedgehog-the older he grows the sharper
hiz quills.
The good man liz like an old-fashioned
Nu England olock--hiz soul liz the pen
dulum whose regular moshuns Civ life
and grace tow hiz hands and face, thus
showing the good works that are outside
ov him.
Most ov the epitafs on the tombstuns
read like gide- boards tew the CRATE city,
and without them o CRATE menny would
take the wrong road.
Most people travel to see and be seen;
but few to compare.
The 1o111 a.
thing is tew be willing to quit it when
the bell rings.
Time is like fair wind-if we don't
set our sails we lose that breeze forever.
We are often ridikuled for telling old
truths. The 10 commandments are old
enough tew be wore out with truth; but
who follers them?
Take man, from Adam down to April
foil, 1870, and would respectfully ask,
if he aint dead beat? Il thare single
pashun ov hiz nature, up to date, that
yu kan take the halter of civil law off
from and turn it out to grass?
''Necessity is the mother of inven-
shun," and Patient Wright il the father.
It dun me good to hear poor brute
winner in Broadway, yesterday. I was
glad thare was one stage hoss in New
York City whose heart wasn'& dead broke.
Death is the only thing in this life that
IL certain; and even that amt always q
safe investment.
Rumor il yagrant without home,
and lives upon what it kan pick up.
The greatest viktory for mankind that
hav ever been won, hav been won by tho
rod and the katechism.
Virtew, backed up by courage, liz the
perfekshun ov human natur. I don't
reckon mercy nor pity always among the
virtews; they are often only amiable
weaknesses. Justiss liz the square root
of awl the virtews I wouldn't have emmy
mercy nor pity hove out for rubbish;
neither would hav man think bekauze
he melts at the anguish of the viscious,
that it is virtew that ails him.
Bachelors are always braggin ov their
freedom-freedom to darn their own
stockings and poultiss their own shinsl
1 had rather be widower once in 2
years regular, than to be grunting,
old. hair.dyed bachelor 90 days.
The largest man that kan think oy
now, was Israel Dunbar, of Billingsville.
He dried up new milch COW in milkin'
her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans
last spring, awl in hill. He is 46 years
old, and aint had the meazles yet; he haz
alwus bin too lazy to ketch them. He
had one son who was just like him. This
boy died when he was 18 years old, in
krossing korn-feld; the pumpkin vines
took after him, and smothered him to
death.
THE COTE.
The cote is o koarse woolen sheep.
They have split hoof and whole
tail.
They have good appetite and san
guine digestion.
They swallo what they eat and will eat
ennything they kan bite.
Their moral karakters are not polish
ed; they had rather steal rotten turnip
out ov a garbage-box than tew cum ho-
nestly by peck ov onts.
The mail cote haz tew horns on the