The Manitowoc tribune. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1866-1878, 1870-03-31
Mark TWain'S Adventure with the
Revenue Assessor.

never HedIu VI Ills Drancn or business be-
fore, but L was very glad to see him, all
the same-would he sit down? He sat
down. l did not know anything particu-
| lar to say, and yet l felt that people who
have arrived at the dignity of keeping
house must be conversational, must be
easy and sociable in company So, in de-
| fault of anything else to say / asked him
If he was opening his shop in our neigh
| borhood
He said he was. [ did not wish to ap-
pear ignorant, but had hoped he would
| mention what he had for sale.
| ventured to ask him show was trade ?"
| and he said, Sos
[ then said we would drop in, and if we
! liked his house as well as any other, we
| would give him our custom.
lie said he thought we would like his
| establishment we'll enough to confine our
| selves to lt-sald he never saw anybody
| who would go off and hunt up another
| man in his line after trading with him
| once.
That sounded very complacent, but bar
| ring that natural expression of villainy
| which we all have, the man looked hon
| est enough.
| | do not know how it came about, ex-
| actly, but gradually we appeared to melt
| down and run together, conversationally
| speaking, and then everything went along
| as comfortably as clock-worl
| We talked, and talked, and talked-at
| least l did. And we laughed, and laughed,
! and laughed-at least he did But all the
| time l had my presence of mind about
| mel had my native shrewdness turned
Oh 6 full head" as the engineers say. l
was determined to find out all about his
| business in spite of his obscure answers :;
and was determined | would have it out
of him without his suspecting what l was
! at. l meant to trap him with a deep,
| deep ruse. [ would tell him all about my
| own business, and he would naturally so
warm to me during this seductive burst of
| confidence, that he would tell me all about
his affairs before he suspected what was
about. l thought to myself, My son. you
| little know what an old fox you are deal
ing with. l said:
| Now you would never guess what I
made lecturing this winter and last
| spring:"
| "No-don't believe could, to save me-
Let me see-let me see. About two thou
sand dollars, maybe? But mono, sir, l
know you couldn't have made that
much. Say seventeen hundred, maybe 2"
'Ha-ha! l knew you couldn't. My
lecturing receipts for last spring and this
winter were fourteen thousand, seven
hundred and fifty dollars-what do you
tnlnK OF That z?
why, it is amazing-perfectly amaz-
ing. L will make note of it. And, you
say even this wasn't all ?"
"All? Why, bless you, there was my
income from the Buffalo Erpress for four
t-about-well, what should
you say to about eight thousand dollars
tor instance
"Sayl Why, I should like to see my
self rolling in just such another ocean OF
! atfluence. Eight thousandl I'll make a
note of it. Why, mainland on top of all
this | am to understand that you had still
more incOme?'
"Ha-ha-hal Why, you are only in the
suburbs of it, so to speak. There's my
| book, The lnnOcents AbrOad'-price
$3.50 to $500, according to the binding
Listen to me. Look me in the eye. Dur
I ing the last four months and half, say
, ing nothing of sales before that-but Just
simply during the four months and half
ending March Is, 1870, we've sold ninety
i've thousand copies of that book Nine
| ty-f1ve thousand, Think of it. Average
four dollars a copy, say. It's nearly four
hundred thousand dollars, my son. l get
halfm
"The suffering Mosesl I'll set that
down. Fourteen-seven tifty-eight
hundred. Total, say-weI, upon my
word, the grand total is about two hun
dred and thirteen or fourteen thousand
dollars. Is that possible ?"
possible! If there's any mistake it's
the other way. Two hundred and four
teen Thousand, cash, is my income for this
year, if know how to cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to 60. Il
came over Inc most uncomfOrtably thai
maybe had made my revelati ons fol
nothing, besides being fattered into
| ctr .rciaf IL.
strangers astonished Explanations. But
nOs; at the last moment the gentleman
handed me large envelope, and said il
contained his advertisement {; and that
would find out all about his business
in it.
As soon as he was gone opened his ad
vertisement. | studied it attentively fol-
four minutes. l then called up the cool
and said:
Hold me while I faint Let Maris
turn the batter cakes"
Byand-by, when L came to, l SEN
down to the rum mill on the corner
and hired an artist by the week to sit W
nights and curse that stranger, and give
me lift occasionally in the daytime whe1
| came to hard place.
All, what a miscreant he was Hi.
advertisement was nothing in tho
world but wicked tax return.
1t was plain that that stranger had en-
| abled me to make an ass of myself 1t was
very, very plain, and l went out and hired
another artist. BY working on my vanity
the stranger had seduced me into declar.
ing an income of S214,O00. BY law $1,000
of this was exempt from income tax-the
only relief | could see, and it was only O
drop in the ocean. At the legal five pei
cent. | must pay over to the Government
the appalling sum of ten thousand SIX
hundred and fifty dollars, income tax.
| may remark, in this place, that | did
not do it
am acquainted with very opulent
man, whose house is palace, whose table
is regal, whose OUTLAWS are enormous, yet
{. man who has no income, as | have often
noticed, by the revenue returns and to
him | went for advice, in my distress. He
took my dreadful exhibition of receipts,
he put on his glasses, he took his pen,
and presto IL was a pauperl 1t was
the neatest thing that ever was He
did it simply by deity manipulating the
| bill Of Deductions" He set down nv
state, national and municipal taxes" at
so much; my "lossses by shipwrecx, fire,
&c, at so much; my closes Oh sales of
real estate"-on Give stock sold'-on
payments for rent of homestead"-on
repairs, improvements, interest"-on
previously taxed salary as IN officer of
the United States army, navy, revenue
service" and other things. He got aston
lshlng deductions" out of each and every
one of these matters-each and every one
of them. And when he was done, he
handed me the paper, and I saw at a
glance that during the year 1869 my in
come, in the way of profits, had been one
thousand tlc0 hundred and fifty dollars and
forty cents.
4
"Now," said he, "the thousand dollars