The Pulaski citizen. [volume] (Pulaski, Tenn.) 1866-current, 1870-09-23
The Jesh Billings Papers.
HOTELS.

HOTELS
Hotels are houses Ov refuge, home:
for the Vagrants, the married man:
retreat, and the. bachelors lireside.
They are kept in all sorts Ov ways
sum on the European plan, and nleny
Ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord IL like a good step
mother, he knows hiz biZzness and
means to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiZ hands with
Joy when the traveller draws nigh, he
knows how to smile, he knew yuTe
Wife's father when he WaZ living, and
yure wife's fust husband, bat he don't
speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not, he hears yure kOm-
plants with q tear in hiz eye, he blows
up the servants at yure suggestion,
and stands around reddY, with shirt
collar as stiff az broken china.
A man may be good supreme
court judge and at the same time be
a miserable landlord.
Most everybody thinks they kan
keep q hotel land they kan) but this
ackOunts for the CRATE number ov ho-
tells that are kept on the same principle
that a justiss Ov the peace Offiss IL kept
in the country during a%siX-dayS' trial
for killing sumboddy's yellO dOrg.
A hotel wont self and keep the
landlord too, ana ever kure traveller
from the habit ov profane sWareing.
1 hav had this experiment tried on
me several times, and ID alvTus makes
the swares wuss.
1t IL too often the kase that landlords
90 into the Dizziness Ov hash az minis
ters go into the professhun, with the
very best Ov motives, but the poorest
kind Ov prospecks.
I don't know oY emmy Dizziness more
hattersum than the tavern Dizziness,
there don't seem to be ennything to do
but to stand in front Ov the register
with a pen behind the ear and see that
the guests enter themselfs az soon az
they enter the house, then yank a bell
rope six or seven times, and then tell
John to shO the gentleman to 976, and
then take four dollars and fifty cents
next morning from the poor devil Ov a
traveller and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing
(and it is the whole thing) in most
cases.
Yu will diskover the following des-
kripshun, mild one, ov about hotels
out ov 10 between the Atlantik and
Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United
States in Straight line:
Yure room il 13 foot inches, by
foot inches, parallelogramly
1t being court week {aZ usual) all the
good rooms are employed bi the law
yers and judges.
Yure room IL on the uttermOst floor
The carpet IL ingram ingrained
with the dust, kerosene lie, and ink
spots Ov four generashuns.
fv in no
hitch coats onto, one OV them broke
oph, and the other pulled out, and
missing.
The buro haz three legs and one
brick.
The glass TO the buro swings on two
pivOts, which have lost their grip.
Thare IL one towel on the rack, thin,
but wet. Aorain water in the pitcher
cum out Ov the WELL
The soap il az tuff tew wear az a
milestone.
The soap IL scented with ciuoR mon
lie, and variagated with spots.
Fhare IL three chairs, kane settlers,
ae IL a rocker, and all three are busted
Thare is matchbox, empty.
Thare is no kurtin to the windO, and
thare don't want to be any, yu kant see
out, and who kan see in?
The bel rope il cum Oph about inch
es this side Ov the ceiling.
The bed iz a modern slat bottom,
with two mattresses, one cotton, and
one husk, and both harder, and about
az thick as a sea biskit.
Yu enter the bed sideways and kan
feel every slat at once, az eaZy az yu
could the ribs ov u grid iron.
The bed IL inhaSjted.
Yu sleep sum, but roOl over a good
deal.
For breakfast yu have a gong, and
rlly coffee too kOId to melt butter, fride
potatOze which resemble the chips a
twO-inch auger makes in its journey
through an oak log.
Bread solid, beef stake about az thilz
az g blister plaster, and so tuff az a
hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, q few
scarce death pickles on one Ov them,
ard 6 endorsed crackers on another.
A peWterinktom castor with three
bottles in it Ane without emmy pepper
in it., one without emmy mustard, and
one with two inches Ov drowned flies,
and vinegar in it. sr..
Servant gall, with.-hoOps on, hangs
around yu earnestly, nd wants tn kno
if yu will take another cup ov coffee.
Yu say, "NO NOM, thank yu," and
push back yuTe chair.
Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for
picking yure teeth. 81.
1 am about az selfconsaited az it will
do for man to be and not crack open,
but never yet consulted that could
keep hotel, i had rather be a hiway-
man than to be sum landlords hav
visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a Joy upon
earth, WHARF a man pays hiz bill az
eheerfully az he did the parson who
married him, WHARF you kant find the
landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen,
WHARF servants glide around like angels
Ov mercy, WHARF the beds fit a mans
back like the feathers on a goose, and
WHARF the YittIes taste just az tho yure
wife, or yure mother had fried them.
These kind ov hotels ought tew be
bilt on wheels and travel around the
country; they are az phulI Ov real cum
fort az a thanksgiving pudding, but
alass! yes, alass they are az unplenty
az double-yelked eggs.
Street Etiquette.
n gentleman, meeting q lady should
q yvaXvr f0 iyn tlon TsiOlof Of tho xyyoTl-