The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-06-03
HUMORS OF THE DAY.
Sweet home-a beehive.
Eopl ,,lar-bann

Sweet home-a beehive.
Foul play-henpecking. 81
The best thing out-an aching tooth.
The higher cireles-the rings around
the moon. 1
When does a man impose upon him
self? When he taxes his memory.
The most exclusive circle---tbc Arctic
circle. which no one has succeeded in
getting into.
Why do the whales visit the Arctic
seas? For the purpose of supplying Oil
to the Northern lights.
At Covington, Georgia, when man
gets drunk his head is shaved by the au-
thorities. Most of the citizens wear
wigs.
A little girl wanted to say that she had
a fan, but had forgotten the name, SO she
described it as a thing to brush the warm
off with.
Why arc old maids the most charming
of people? Because they are matchless.
Epitaths are like circus bills, There
is more i'm the bill than in the perform
ancc.
When is young mans arm like the
Gospel? When it maketh glad the
waist places.
When ladies vote, candidates will be
elected by "handsome majOrities. and
sometimes by sweeping" majorities.
"We know girl" says some one,
$50 industrious that when she has moth
ing else to do, she sits and knits her
brow"
PETTY QUARRELs.--'i say, Brown,
what close shaver Jones is; he'll squab-
BILE about a pelny!" "Well, what II
he does?" said Brown, "the less one
squabblcs about the better.
At certain church fair held during
the winter, set of COoper's Works was
promised to the individual who should
answer certain set of cOnundrums. A
dashing young fellow was pronounced
the winner, and received a set OF tcOOden
pGils.
Here is a little girl who will take all
the prizes in some uptown school by
and-by: Z" Did 1 not tell you," said her
father, "not to pick flowers in the con-
servatory without leave:" "Ics, papa,
but all these had leaves"
"Ah, my dear fellow" said an old man
once to friend, Is L am quite weak and
broken down with age. i used to walk
entirely around the park every day; but
now / can only walk half way round
and back again."
A lady said to servant the other day,
at dinner. $50 down cellar and bring
ND the bread which lies on the shelf
there. "-"It won't do no good, ma'am,'
was the reply, sfor the bread OH that
shelf down cellar is up here In this cup
board ma'am."
TIT FOR TAT!-A wife wanted her hus-
band to sympathize with her in femi-
nine quarrel, but he refused saying, '.fve
lived long enough to know that one wO-
man is as good as another, if not better
land l." retOrtcd the exaspcrated wife
shave lived long enough to know that
one man is rs bad as another, il not
worse"
Farmers, as well as poets. ought to be
classed among the genus irritable, Tor
there is no season so fine, no crop so
abundant, but the farmer can find room
for a grumble. A substantial yeoman
of Hampshire was lately congratulated
upon the excellence of the late,harvest,
and the great reason he and his brethren
had to be grateful. 81 don't know that"
said he, "what be we to do tor bad hay
for our cows!"
A fair fashionable, lately united to one
of the most dashing dandies Of the day,
having cause to complain Of neglectful
behavior, the bridegroom replied, "Have
patience, my dear; l am like the prodi..
al son, and will reform by-and-by.
:. And /, sir" replied the spirited bride,
sw i'll also be like the protigal son. I'm
what particular, madam p II ,rW arse,
and 90 INTO my father. She LETT the
house the same morning.