The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-04-05

Dely@ Who is the straightest man men
toned in the Bible? Joseph, because
Pharaoh made ruler of him.
EGg" &" Figures don'tl lio," says the arith-
motician. You can't say that of a
woman's figures in these days." responds
the slanderous dressmaker.
pay" Wouldn't you call this the calf
OF leg?' asked bob, pointing to one OK
his neither limbs, "No," replied Pat
g should say it was the leg Of calf"
1s5~" Where are you going to ?" asked
one little boy of another, who had slipped
and fallen down. Going to get up"
was the blunt reply.
nsy~ " Mammyy' said prccocious
little boy, who against his will was made
to rock the cradle of his baby brother
" if the Lord has any more babies to give
away, don't you take EN-"
GGiy~ A Hartford man, in telling po-
lice officer that he a ocular demonstration
of his wife's infdelity, added, 81 never
had any little thing make me so mad in
all my life"
Ba7" A young lady at Cavendsh, Yer.
mont, killed a skunk with a butcher knife
on Wednesday. Her lover came to see
her that night and told her he couldn't
marry her unless she quit using such hair
oil. How fastidious some men are.
Ds5~ A Partisan philosopher propounds
a question and gives the answer " Why
has nature given us two ears and but one
tongue? In order that we should repeat
but one-half Of what we hear"
B@53n TO make little boys trousers last
when you make a suit of clothes for them
finish the coat first, and, by 50 doing, you
you will make the trousers last. 1t is
the only way the thing can be done.
Rdy~ A housemaid, the other evening,
slipped from chair, on which she was
temporarily standing, and fell head fore
most into Il barrel Of -four TO show the
effect of mental agony, we will relate that
her hair became white in an instant.
D&y~ Since the story has been told of
Judge Breckenridge marrying girl whom
he saw jump over rail fence with pail
on her head, the girls in Orange county,
n. Y, are said to spend their time in
watching the road; and whenever they
see carriage approaching with a man in
it, they seize their pals and go for fence.
R@3" Boggs has bottle of schanapps in
his office, and being careless chap,
sometimes negects to lock it up,) he
labeled the bottle INK. A friend of his
smoked the little game" and in the same
style Of letter prefxed DIR during his
absence, and as everybody that came in
complied wit the invitation, Boggs was
out Of " lush" when he came back.
bG8y" A poor young man once fell in
love with an heiress, and the passion
being returned, it only wanted the par
ents' consent to make them happy. At
length, meeting the father, he asked for
the daughters hand. How much car
you commando" asked the millionaire
gruf1iy. 81 cannot command much, was
the reply "What are your expecta-
tions?" Well, to tell the truth, expect
to run away with your daughter, and
marry her, ifyou don't give your con-
sent a
be- " Halo, did you see dog come
by here that looked like he was year, or
Il year and a half or two years oldY' said
Yankee to II countryman at the road
side.
"Yes said the countryman, thinking
himself quizzed, he passed about an
hour, or hour and half, or two hours
ago, and is now mile or mile and
half or two miles ahead, and he had
tail about an inch and half or two
inches long"
Thatll do" said the Yankee, "you'rc
into me foot, or feet and half, or
two feet !"
Bey" An anecdote is told of distin-
guished bald headed man who was not
very quick at repartee. A lady who was
joking him about the white bare spot so
much like the Artic regions, on his poll e,
suggested that he should be sure and at