Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-07-28
Humorous Readings.

A Buffalo suicide cut his throat and
then sung "Shoo Fly"
An Irishman went to live in Scotland
for a short time, but didn't like the
country. '1 was sick all the time 1 was
there" said he, "and if had lived there
till this time, I'd been dead a year ago"
A traveller informed the proprietor of
one of the New York hotels that his room
was so high up he could not hear the
gong rung down stairs, though he could
hear the angels whispering in heaven
Mamma" said a little girl to her
mother, edo you know how get to bed
quick ?" NO." was the reply. "Well,"
said she, in great glee, II step one foot
over the crib, then / say rats and
righten myself right in"
A Partisan lady called on her milliner,
the other day, to stake mp" the character
of servant. The morality of the latter
was beyond questioning. "But is she hon.
est 2" asked the lady. "I am not so GER
tain about that" replied the milliner, "for
1 have sent her TO you with my bill a doz-
en- times, and she has never yet given me
the money"
] "Ms'am," said quack to a nervous old
lady, "your case is scrutuntuntury COM
plaipt," "Pray, doctor, what is that ~
'lt is the dropping OF the nerves; mas I;
the nerves having fallen into the pizarin-
tum. the chest becomes morberous, and
the hood goes tizarizen tizarizen.- "Ah
doctor, exclaimed the old lady, "you
have described my feelings exactly"
For pure strategy commend Us to an
Indiana lover. At New Albany a lover
W. raf -
Jane, who was watched by the old felks
and bull dog. Now, what did he do
but go to the house armed with another
dog. set the two to fighting, and while the
old folks were betting on their dog, he
Just took the girl out the back door, and
before the fight was over, had her all mar
ried as snug as possible. Tally one for
Hoosier.
Recently rector of parish in Ohio in
cateehizing the children in his Sunday
School, asked, "Where did the wise men
come from z" Without a moments hesi-
tation, little fve-year old answered:
"From Boston" The parents of the
little catechumen are natives of the Bay
State.
The way in which South Sea Islander
satisfied case of conscience was this:
The missionary had rebuked him for the
sin of polygsmy, and he was very much
grieved. After day or two be returned,
his face radiant with Joy. "Me all right
now, one wife; me very good Christian"
"What did you do with the other z" said
the missionary. "Me eat her up"
An honest Jonathan from the interior
on his first visit to the metropolis, was
awakened one morning by hearing the
cry of "Oyst, buy any Oystersp in the
mellitfiuous tones of a vender of the lusci-
Gus shell-fish who was passing under the
window of the hotel. A noise so new TO
him startled him, and be asked his room
mate what il meant.
'It's only oysters" replied his fellow
lodger, pettishly.
"Oystersp exclaimed Jonathan, in ns-
tonishment, "and do Oysters holler as
loud as that Z"
A lawyer once came into court so drunk
that the Judge said to him:
Sir, am sorry TO see yoa in a sitna-
ton which is a disgrace to yourself and
family, the court, and the profession to
which you belong" .....
This reproof elicted the following co.,
lOquy:,
81 did, sir. l said, sir, that in my
opinion, you disgrace yourself and fam
lily, the court, and the profession, by
your course of conduct"
May i-i-it please your Honor, have
been an attorney in-in-in this court for
fifteen years, and permit me to say, your
Honor, that this is the first correct opin-
ion ever knew you TO giveii
The Savannah Post Office was a scene
of rivalry on the Fourth. The negro
clerks INDUCED in watermelon" to the
extent of emitting to send away the Gus
bomary Northern mail.
An Iowa farmer entertained two sfrapg-
,rs recently, over night, and in the morn
ng carried one TO the landing. On his
'eturn he found that the other had eloped
T1h his wife.
Minnesota's potatoessare to be relieved
If bugs through the efforts of an efficient
md urbane species of birds which have
ust appeared, and the malevolent insects
ire handing in their chips.
The Paris Figaro pretends that King
William of Prussia is at the bottom of
he existing unpleasantness. As dis
passionate Judge in this crisis, we wouldn't
give row of figs for Figaro-[N. I. Com.
Adv
In Fond du Lac, last week, there were
, kerosene horror, a railroad slaughter,
our sunstrokes, man killed by horse,
. boy drowned in barrel of soft sosp,
md another one disintegrated by eating
,lass, all of which furnished acceptable
business to the local coroner.