Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-12-08

When a man is given to drink don't let
drink be given to him
Cattle are dumb beasts, bat by getting
together in large numbers they make
themselves herd.
Frugal landlady of clearinghouse
"Coming home to dinner, Er. Brown ("
Hearty boarder.-"Well, p'r'aps. II l
don't feel hungry"
Charles Lamb used to say, that he had
great dislike to monkeys, ON the princi-
pie that 'it was not pleasant to look upon
ones poor relations"
dad, have you been to the Museum ~
asked ten year old boy. "No, my
| SON." "Well, go and mention my name
to the doorkeeper, and he'll take You
round and show you everything"
"Well, Chloe, you cannot enter into the
kingdom Of heaven, because there is moth
ing 70 unclean as the breath Of smoker:
..What do you say to that = "Why, l
specks to leave my breff behind me when
go to heaven" 5
Plain.spoekn doctor: The child's poi
soned, ma'am-you've been drugging it
to death, that's all! Mamma lin society :
Bless the man, how he talks! Why,
haven't even seen the child for more than
week! How could drug it?
A Tilted swain spitefully says: Eve
did not know as much as her daughters
of the present day. Had they been in her
place, instead OF being deceived, they
would have deceived the devil"
An Alabama editor itemizes his advices
from East Tennessee as follows: "Metho.
dist meeting continue with increased in
terest--ten convicts shipped to the peni-
Tertiary"
A good sort of man was recently asked
to subscribe for chandelier for the
church. 'Now," said he, "what's the use
of chandelier After you get it, you
can't get anyone to play on it."
"A Cincinnati child tied Grape on the
door knob to see if the carriages would
come to take them out riding, as they did
the family across the street.
| Doctor said lady, 4 want you to
prescribe for me-
There is nothing the matter, madam,
said the doctor, after feeling her pulse ;
you only need rest
| Now, doctor, just look at my tongue,
she persisted. Just look at it-just look
at it. Now, say, what docs shesuvut
i think that needs rest, too replied the
Doctor.
!. His wit cost him his dismissal.
They have turned up an ancient grass
hopper in Missouri, measuring four inches
| in length, an inch across the back, and
having hind legs three and one-half inches
in length. 1t is supposed to be the grass
hopper mentioned by the preacher as like
to become burden
The following is copied from the tomb.
stone of man named Berry: .
Hank How who's buried here?
John Berry-it's the younger =
No, it is the Elder-Berry. &
An Elder-Berry buried surely must
Rather spring up and live than turn to
dust
So may our Berry, whom stern death has
slain,
Be only buried to rise up again. e
He took her fancy when he came, he
took her hand. he took a kiss he
took no notice of the blush that glowed
her happy cheek at this. He took to
coming afternoons, he took an oath he'd
meier deceive her; he took his masters
silver spoons, and after that he took his
leave-ah .a FaF
A Western paper says that the editor
of it's rival sheet was skating recently and
broke through the ice. He went in up to
his ears, but the hole was not large
enough to let him through. While he
Was waiting for some one to take him out,
his ears froze, and they have since been
amputated and are now used for door
mats. H
A West Hickory, Pa, farmer lately
heard scratching under his bed. Tut
ting on his trousers, he reached for the In
truder, and in minute hadn't enough
clothes on to make bib for a china dell.
He found himself in the corner partly
scalped, with his lower limbs looking as
though he had been through a wool.card-
ing machine; while with spit and a
growl, a oatamount disappeared through
the open window. r-r q revss.g
The Chicago Tribune declares that
Horace Greeley lately visited Western
town where swearing is punished by hne
of twenty-five cents for each offense
Some one stole his umbrella and put q
litter of kittens in his old hat, and by
compromising the matter, the $500 he got
for bis lecture just paid for his swearing
81 over. ..fr.- ..-.ea=., .s-sg
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