Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes Co., O. [Ohio]) 1870-1895, 1870-09-29
John Ploughman's Talk.
ON RELIGIOUS GRUMBLERS.

YIN nCLtoIOOo
When a man has a particularly
empty head, he generally sets III
for great judge, especially in re
ligion. None so wise as the mar
who knows nothing. His ignorance
is the mother of impudence, and the
nurse of his obstinacy; and though
he does not know B from a bull's
foot, he settles matters as if all wis
dom were at his fingers ends-the
Pope himself is not more infallible
Hear him talk after he has been al
meeting and heard a sermon, and
you will know how to pull good
man to pieces if you never knew il
before. He sees faults where there
are none, and if there be a few
things amiss, he makes every mouse
into an elephant. Although you
might put all his wit into an egg
shell, he weighs the sermon in the
balances of his conceit with all the
airs of a bred-and-born Solomon,
and if it be up to his standard, he
lays on his praise with trOwel; but
if it he not to his taste he growls
and barks and snaps at it like dog
at hedgehog. Wise men In this
world are like trees in hedge, there
is only here and there one; and
when these rare men talk together
upon a discourse, it is good for the
ears to hear them; but the brag-
ging wiseacres am speaking of are
vainly puffed up by their feshly
minds, and their quibbling is as
senseless as the cackle of geese on a
common. Nothing comes out of a
sack but what was in it, and as their
bag is empty they shake nothing but
wind out of it. 1t is very likely
that neither ministers nor their ser
mons are perfect-the best garden
may have a few weeds in it, the
cleanest corn may have some chatf-
but cavillers cavil at anything or
nothing, and find fault for the sake
of showing off their deep knowl-
edge; sooner than let their tongues
have a holiday, they would complain
that the grass is not nice shade of
blue, and say the sky would have
looked neater if it had been white
washed.
One tribe of these Ishmaelites is
made up of highfying ignoramuses
who are very mighty about the doc
trine of a sermon-here they are as
decisive as sledge-hammers and as
certain as death. He who knows
nothing is confident in everything;
hence they are bullheaded beyond
measure. Every clock, and even the
sundial must be set according to
their watches; and the slightest diff
ference from their opinion, proves a
man to be rotten at heart. Venture
to argue with them, and their little
pot boils over in quick style; ask
them for reason, and you might as
well 90 to a sand-pit for sugar.
They have bottled up the sea of
truth, and carry it in their waist
coat pockets; they have measured
heavens line of grace, and have
tied knot in a string at the exact
length of electing love; and as for
the things which angels long to
know, they have seen them all as
boys see sights in peepshow at our
fair. Having sold their modesty
and become wiser than their teach
ers, they ride a very high horse,
and Jump over all five-barred gates
of Bible-texts which teach doctrines
contrary to their notions. When
this mischief happens to good men,
it is a great pity for such sweet pots
of ointment to be spoiled by flies,
yet one learns to bear with them
just as I do with old Violet, for he
is a rare horse, though he does set
his ears back and throw out his leg
at times. But there is black brag-
ging lot about, who are all sting and
no honey; all whip and no hay; all
grunt and no bacon. These do
nothing but rail from morning to
night at all who cannot see through
their spectacles. If they would but
mix up handful of good living
with all their bushels of bounce, it
would be more bearable; but no,
they don't care for such legality;
men so sound as they are can't be
expected to be good at anything
else; they are the heavenly watch
dogs to guard the house of the Lord
from those thieves and robbers who
don't preach sound doctrine, and if
they do worry the sheep, or steal a
rabbit or two by the sly, who would
have the heart to blame them? The
Lords dear people, as they call
themselves, have enough to do to
keep their doctrine sound; and if
their manners are cracked, who can
no man can see to every
thing at once. These are the moles
that want watching in many of our
pastures, not for their own sakes,
for there is not a sweet mOuthful in
them, for the sake of the meadows
which they spoil. would not find
half a fault with their doctrine, if it
were not for their spirit, but vinegar
is sweet to it, and crabs are figs in
comparison. 1t must be very high
doctrine that is too high for me, but
1 must have high experience and
high practice with it, or it turns my
stomach. However, have said my
say, and must leave the subject, or
somebody will ask me, "What have
you to do with Bradshaw's wind
mill?'
Sometimes it is the way the
preacher speaks which is hauled
over the Goals, and here again is a
fine field for fault hunting, for every
bean has its black, and every man
has his failing. l never knew a
good horse which had not some odd
habit or other, and l never yet saw
a minister worth his salt who had
not some crotchet or oddity; now,
these are the bits of cheese which
cavillers smell out and nibble at (;
this man is too slow, and another
too fast, the first is too tlowery, and