The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-02-18
Josh Billings Disc0urseth.
Dear Girls, are yu in search ov hus-

Dear Girls, are yu in search ov hUs-
band:
This liz a pumper, md yu are not re.
quired tew say "Yes" out loud, but are
eXpekted tew throw yure eyes down
onto the earth, as tho yu was looking
for pin, and reply tew the interrOga-
tory with kind of drawlin sigh, az
tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and
all, off from the half shell.
Not tew press tender theme until
it bekums thorn i'm the flesh, we will
presume ftew avoid argument) that yu
are on the look out for sumthing in the
male line tuw boost yu in the uphill
ov life, and tew keep his eyes OH the
brithing when yu begin tew go down
the other side Ov the mountain. Let
me give yu some small chunks Ov. adj
vice how tew spot yure fewter btis-
band:
l.. The man who liz jellOus ov every
little attenshun which yu git from sum
other fellow, yu will find, after yu are
married tew him, luvs himself more
than he duz yu, and what yu mistOok
for sOlissitude, yu will diskOver, has
changed into indifference. JellOusy
isn't a heart Disease; it liz liver kom>
plaint. u.
.. A mustash is not indispensable;
it is only q little more hair, and liz a
good deal like moss and other eXcres-
sences-often duz the best Oh sile that
won't raize ennything else. Don't for
get that thoze things which yu admire
i'm phellow before marriage, yu will
probably hav tew admire in a husband
I.n
very weak diet after Il long time.
3. If husbands could lie took on trial
az irish cooks are, two thirds ov them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem tew be emmy law for This.
Therefore, girls, yu will see that after
yu get man, yu hav got tew Keep
him, even if yu looz on him. COnse-
quently, if yu hav got emmy kOld vittles
in the hous, try him on them, once i'm
Il while, during securing season, and if
he swallows them well, and sez he will
take sum more, he liz man who,
when blue Monday Gums, will wash
well.
1. Don't marry a plieller who is al
wuz tellin how hiZ muther duZ things.
1t liz az hard tew suit theZe men az it
iz to wean II yung one.
}. If yung man kan beat yu play
ing Oh a pianner, and kant hear "a fish
horn playing in the streets without
turning n back summersett Oh account
oil the musick that liz i'm him, say strip
him; he might answer tew tend babe,
but if WI set him hoeing out the gar !
den, yu will find that yu hav got te,s |
do it yureself. A man whOZe whole !
heft lies i'm music, (and not very hefty |
at that, amt no better for a husband /
than a seedlitiz powder; but if he lrIys
tew listen while yu sing sum gentle
ballad, WI will find him mellow and |
not soft. But don't marry ehnybody
for jist one virtew emmy quicker Than /
yu would flop a man for jisti one
fault. 4-.. E sst.f,l /
6. 1t liz one of the most tuftest things /
for female tew lie an old maid sue
A CRATE menny haz tried it,
and made a bad j,b ov it. Everybody
seems few look upon old maids fist az
they do upon dried harbs-in the gar
ret, handy for sick-ess- and, therefore,
girls, it Amt mistake that yu'should
Ije willing 10 swop yurself Oph, with
sum true phellow, for a husband. The
swop liz a good one; but don't swop
for emmy man who liz respektabeI list
Lekause his father liz. Yu had better
be an old maid for thousand years
and then join the Shakers, than tew
buy repentance at this price. No wo-
man ever made this trade who didn't
get either a phoOl, a mean cuss, or a
clown for a husband.
9. In diggin down into this subject
find the digging goes harder the further