Orleans independent standard. [volume] (Irasburgh, Vt.) 1856-1871, 1870-09-06
Snares of Matrimony.

Getting jined in the holy bonds of
wedlock is the 'hunkidori' time for
gushing maids and spoony fellows.
A fellow sees gal, she sees him,
they blow their noses at each other,
silent blows both of 'em, both sigh
like a sick crab, both heave their bo-
SONS, then they cast expiring glances
into each others terrestrial orbs {;
they get foggy around their lips, and
with tremor pant, it's a gentle tre-
NOR, and there will be more of it anon.
Time passes, just one time, because
the next day the lovely houri gets on
her best Scalloped buttoned waistcoat,
all embroidered with white thingama-
jigs, and frescoed with whole quar-
ter Of gussets, puts some night bloom
ing lard on her head, sticks a red hol-
lyhock in her hair, let's a hair clothes
line hang down her back, squeezes in
her waist, Chalks the back of her ears,
rubs some red copal varnish on her
checks to make 'em look like the gen.
tie zephyrs had kissed 'em, greases
her swan-like neck, rubs a little char
coal tooth-powder Oh her eyebrows,
puts in her Sunday set of teeth, then
looks to the mirror, and bushes the
color of a billed lobster at the thought
Of how much sweetness is being lost
upon the desert air.
She twists around to see if the
back of her dress is all hooked up,
and then she takes her queenly form
to walk. and looks so majestic that
one would never dream such an angel
would coude5cend to eat pork and
beans, or had bunions.
The felIer gets on his new fxins,
has five cents worth Of black put on
his boots, borrowS a gold chain, hires
ring with a green diamond in it big
enough to anchor a rowboat, takes a
bath, cuts his nails, pares his corns,
tickles his throat with rum sours, asks
his boss that he might go to the libra.
ry, and looks as flush as a billed ham
and as piou8 as a figure head of ca.
nal boat.
He starts to walk at the bewitch.
ing hour of 3 20 p. m, and the female
aud the male, il all the glory of their
bothhood, meet just where they met
before.
It's intuition what taught EN- to be
there; a kinder mystic magnetism OF
spirited heart thrumps.
Their glances meet somewhere be
tween the two.
He stops and looks at nice pail
of boots in a window.
She gazeS at corset shop.
This is strategy.
Neither wants the other to know
that each came here to see the other
The feIler finally starts on his tour
again, and she does the same.
They pass each other as majestic
as a couple of mudturtles.
Both laugh. and their eyes twis
around over their shoulders.
Both turn and look at each othe
till both get so far they amt afraid.
Then she draws her billed RAJ
across her lips and he kisses hi
knuckles to her.
Well, the sun sets in its orbit, AM
day follows day, and they keep thi
thing going until his boss begins t.
think he is getting too fond of his i
brary.
They speak to each other, and tn
gal commences to get him.
She gets him to call, faints in hi
arms, and lets him smell the swee
stuff on her chin.
He thinks it's her breath, and tha
she's an angel and feeds on tube roses
She calls him dear AlphonsC
smoothes his marble brow, speaks c
his Oriental eyes and Grecian nose.
He has a hole in his cheek bi
| enough for skating pond, which sh
calls dimple.
t The wart on his hand she calls
l hillock of lOveliness.
Then she makes a muf1ler of he
} arms, and puts it around his Corn
! THAN neck, and rolls up her eyes lib
! a sick Goldfish.
He slingS the gal round heavy: |
: brings her billed chestnuts and who
e quarts of shrimps, goes to matine,
Il and the minstrelS, takes moonligl
walks, sets on the steps, teaches h
G astronomy, writes poetry, calls h
his heavenly duck, his Arabian peppe
| grass, sweetness, his bird Of paradis
+ his Edeniy geranium, until some mig
;. when she pats his head and strok
n his hair until she gets his brain tur
e ed inside out.
Il Down on the Brussels carpet GO
r both his knees, his hands clasp t
r gether like he was going to swim,
it casts his eyes upward, and says.
r Will you have me?
d The triumphant hussy replies:
s Oh Alphonso! How sudden, | d
clare.
d. Yet she don't put her answer (
| not 'muchly.' She's got him ju
o where she wants him.
It Give him time to think, he'd pro
d ably never make such a darn fool
ID himself again, because this wedlo
n business,when viewed in philosoph
d al light, is nothing more than a man
t. coming possessed of the insane i'd
ut that he'd rather pay the board
le two (or two dozen) than one.
Now the feller has his foot in it.
g. She calls his attention to breach
nc promise cases in the papers.
n. She has him faster than shoemake
r. gum.
Next day she tells every gal tt
10 she knows, that she's engaged, a
is makes them vow they won't say
Ie. word about it.
of He, poor cuss, don't go that ia
lis night more than half block before
i'll knows he has made darned fool
Ist himself, and his face wears an expr
ne sion like unto a feller who has
D" signed himself to taking dose of c
he tor oil.