The Evansville journal. [volume] (Evansville, Ind.) 1866-1870, 1870-04-28

contracted bad habits?9 mo, sir
you generally expand them"
Died from eIongation of tho ton
sils. is the Western euphemism 70
hanging.
II have lost my watch overheard
Is there any way to recover it?', "Oh
yes. diners ways"
why do you call me birdie, M,
dear2' inquired wife of her husband
Because, was the answer, you are
always associated IN my mind with {
BILL"
An freshman sent to the Wisconsin
State prison was asked what trade he
preferred to learn. He said that 1T i
was all the same to them he preferred
TO be sailor.
II don't think / can see to shave
me without light" said Mr.. Quilp
to Mrs. O., the other morning. "Oh,
Ia" she replied, II should think your
face was plain enough to be seen any.
where"
A boy, eight years old, in one of our
public schools, having been told that
a reptile is an animal that creeps, =
On being asked to name enc on exam
nation day, promptly and triumphant
" replied, "a baby"
An intelligent German on his first
visit 10 an American church, had q
contribution box with hole in the
top presented to him, ard whispered
10 the collector: Il don't got mein
Dapers, unit can't vote.
A little girl who was watching the
balloon ascension at Lewiston, Maine,
suddenly exclaimed: Mamma, /
shouldn't think God would like to
have that man go to heaven alive"
An aged Forfarshire lady, knowing
The habits of her old and spoiled SER
want, when she wished q note taken
without loss of time, held il opon and
read it over to him. saying, There
roo, Andrew, ye ken a. that's int;
100 dinna stop to oren it, but just
send it Oft
"That bed Is not long enough for
me, said very tall, gruff old Eng
lishman, upon being ushered into his
bedroom by an Irish waiter at one
II our hotels. Faith. an you'll find
j : is plenty long, sir, when you get in
20 1t, was the reply: FOR then there
viii be two feet more added to it,"
Exit Pat, with q boot fetching up the
car.
a good story Is told US of dimin-
ntive mercantile gent of a neighbour
ing city, who, it is said, recently pro-
posed to young and buxom damsel,
nth the following result "Oh, no"
said she, Il can't think of it for mo-
z1ent. The fact is, -, you're
tito too big to put in cradle, and
little too small 10 be put in bedP'
The back hair Of the stricken youth
has since run to seed.
A little negro boy Of the South had
Just been equipped with new suit OF
clothes, the FIRST he ever had in his
lfe, you may be sure. Next morning
no appeared with one leg of the trows-
ers ripped up from shoe to waistband |
On being asked how it happened, he |
answered, please, ma'am, / wanted
10 hear it hopl"
DIR. Duncan, professor Of New Col
Iege. Edinburg, is dead. 1t is of this
absent minded gentleman that this
story is told: A COW having brushed
against him. he mechanically lifted
LIS hat aud muttered, Il beg your
pardon, madam" Two days after, he
stumbled against lady, and exclaim-
81, rs that you again, you beastp'
A Frenohman, having frequently
j card the word press made use of TO
IMPLY persuade, as press that gentle
ran to take some refreshments"
press him to stay tonight" thought
ii would show his talents by using a
anonymous term, aud therefore made |
ade no scruple one evening to cry /
0lt in company, pray squeeze that
tadg to sing"
The persuasive and humbugging
agents for selling lightning rods are
equal to every demand. One old lady |
t0ld an agent che had no fear of light
ning, but she had always been afraid |
of thunder Just so" he replied |
We can meet your case exactly. The |
square rods are lightning rods, and |
tie round ones thunderrods. OF |
course she is now protected"
There haint been q bug made yet |
IN vain, nor one that want a good job. |
Thare Is ever lots human men loatiug |
bout blacks NTH shops and cider
Eiills all over the country. that don't
aaem to be necessary for anything but
TO beg plug tobacco and swear and /
teal watermelons, but yu let the kol-
cry brake out once, and You will see
the wisdom of having jist SIGH men
laying around; they help count
Josh Billings.
Al one of the stations on a certain
railway, recently, an anxious inqui-
fsr came up to the door Of the baggage
ar and said: rs there anything for
zae2" After some search among box
= and trunks, tive baggage man rolled
out q keg of whisky. Anything
moreY asked the wet grocer. Yes,
aid the baggage man, there's a grave
tone that goes with that liquor"
The countenance of the wet grocer
ssumed a wrathy appearance, aud
he car door was shut with slam,
Charles Matthews, the comedian
was served by a green grocer, named
Berry, and generally settled his bill
pnce o quarter. At one time the az
suat was sent 10 before it was due,
and Matthews. laboring under an idea
that his credit was doubted, said:
Here's a pretty null. Berry. You
sent in your bill, Berry. before it is
cue, Berry. Your father, the elder
cry. would not have been such a
Dose, Berry; but you need not look
D black, Berry, for | don't care a
raw, Berry, and shan't pay you till
Christmas, Berry.
Tha nr;v;Ieeea If stooLkolIous 80