The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-04-15

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copies Of that book Ninety.hve thou
sand Think oft. Average four dol
lars copy, say. It's nearly four hum
dred thousand dollars, my son. ! get
halfI
The suffering Moses I'll set that
down. Fourteen.seven-f -fifty-eight-.tw
hundred. Total, say--well, upon my
word, the grand total is about two hun
dred and thirteen or fourteen thousand
dollars. Is that possible?"
possible Ifthere's any mistake it's
the other way. Two hundred and four
teen thousand, cash, is my income for
this year if l know how to cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to go. 1t
came over me most uncomfortably that
maybe l had made my revelations for
nothing, besides being flattered into
stretching them considerably by the
strangers astonished eXclamations.--
But no ; at the last moment the gentle
man handed me large envelope and
said it contained his advertisement; and
that would find out all about his busi-
ness in it and that he would be happy
TO have my custom--would, in fact, be
proud TO have the custom of a man of
such pr0digious income; and that he
used to think that there were several
wealthy men in Buffalo, bnt when they
came to trade with him he discovered
that they barely had enough to live on;
and that in truth it had been such
weary, weary age since he had seen
rich man face to face, and talked with
him, and touched him with his
hands, that he could hardly refrain
from embracing me-in fact, would es-
teen il a great favor if l would let him
embrace me.
ed stranger to throw his arms about
me and weep few tranquilizing tears
down the back Of my neck. Then he
went his way.
As soon as he was gOne,I opened his
advertisement. L studied it attentively
cook and said:
"lIOld me while faint. Let Maria
turn the batter cakes"
By and by, when L came to, / sent
down to the rum-mill on the corner
and hired an artist by the week to sit
up nights and curse that stranger, and
give me a lift occasionally in the day
time when i came to a hard place.
All, what miscreant he was His
advertisement" was nothing in the
world buta wicked taX.return-a string
of impertinent questions about my pri-
vate affairs, occupying the best part of
four foolscap pages of fine print-ques-
tions, / may remark, gotten up with
such marvellous ingenuity that the old
est man in the world couldn't under
stand what the most of them were driv-
ing ACQUISITIONS, too, that were calcu-
lated to make a man report about four
times his actual income to keep from
swearing to lie. / looked for a loop
hole, but there did not appear to be
any. Inquiry No. covered my case, as
generouslyand asamply as an umbrella
could cover an ant hill:
"What were your profits, in 1869,
from any trade, business or vocation,
wherever carried on?''
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen Others of an equally searching
nature, the most modest of which re-
quired information as to whether had
committed any burglary, or highway
robbery, or by any person or other Sc
cret source of emoIument, had acquired
property which was not enumerated in
my statement of income as set opposite
to inquiry No. /.
| 1t was plain that that stranger had
enabled me TO make an ass of myself.
1t was very, very plain, and l went
Eout and hired another artist. BY work
ing on my vanity the stranger had se-
duced me into declaring an income of
$2l4,000. By law, 81 600 of this was ex-
empt from income tay-the only relief
l could see, and it was only a drop in
| the ocean. AT the legal five per cent
| must pay over to the government the
| appalling sum of ten thousand six hun
dred and fifty dollars, income tax.
! may remark, in this place, that /
did not do it.
man, whose house is a palace, whose ta-
BILE is regal, whose outlays are enormous
| vet a man who has no income, as have
| often noticed by the revenue returns;
and to him | went for advice in my
distress. He took my dreadful exhibit
tion of receipts he put on his glasses,
| he took his pen, and presto! | was a
| pauper 1t was the neatest thing that
ever was. He did it simply by deity
manipulating the bill of "Deductions. u
He set down my state, national and
municipal taXes'at so much;my closes
by shipwreck, fire, etc." at so much;
my "lOsses ON sales of real estate"-on
olive stock sold"---On "paynlents for
rent Of homCsteads"- on "repairs, inn
proVements, iutcrest"-on "previOusly
taxed salary as an officer of the United
States army, navy, revenue serVice,n
and other things. lie got astonishing
deductions" out of each and every one
of them. And when he WIS done he
handed me the paper and / saw at a
glance that during the year 1869 my in
come, in the way of profits had been
one thousand hro hm1dred ond.fHy dol
lars and forty cents
"Now," said he, "the thousand dol
lars is exempt by law. What you want
! TO do is TO go and swear this document
in and pay tax on the two hundred and
fifty dollars"
While he was making this speech his
little boy Willy lifted atwo-dollar green
back out of his vest pocket and vanish
ed with it, and would bet anything
that if my stranger We're to call on that
little boy tomorrow, he would make
false return of his income.
"Do>you," said /, "Do you always
work up thededucti0ns' after this fash
ion in your case, sir?"
"Well, should say sol If weren't
for those eleven saving clauses under
the head of 'DeductiOns' | should be
beggared every year to support this
hateful and wicked, this eXtortionate
and tyrannical government"
This gentleman stands away up
among the very best of the solid men