Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-02-25
alnnnrnils.

| CAN horse do his level best on an up
grade
THr tax that printers pay-lhe ink EN-
tax.
Be contented with your lOt-Especially if
/ it ia on corner.
Az unpleasant sort of arithmetic -Diri-
sions among families.
a medical question Is opening dead let
ter 5 post-mortem examination7
Which letter in the alphabet is most use
ful 10 deaf old lady2 A it win make her
hear
The brutal sport of bull batting has long
been abolished, but how many are there even
in the present day who bait their horses
josh BrLLIxGs says: 'If man bain't got
we'll balanced he'd, like tew see him part
his hair in the middle"
A YOUNG lady of sixteen, who had worn
short dresses all her life, positively told her
mamma she would wear them no longer.
UP among the Adirondacks, if the natives
happen upon visitor with gloves on, they
ask What is the matter with your hands ?''
"Jo, do you know what is good for aeas r.
''Snuff win kill them, replied 10. sob,
we'll, know that, but it wouldn't be good for
them, added Sam as he INDUCED in a chuck
| lie over the sell.
a FmEyD was speaking to Thaekeray of
lately deceased bacchanaiian. "Ah!' said
the great humorist, with a twinkle in his eye
and a chuckle in his sigh-'Ahln said he,
take him for halfand half, we meier shall
look upon his ike again -
''BoYs," asked the teacher of an infant
Sunday school class, ''did you ever see an ele-
phants skin ?'' eyes, sir, I did, piped
little fellow away down at the foot. Did
you, Robert ?-Where was it?'' "Ou an ele-
phaut sir.
"Go Away" says Muggins, ''you can't
stuff such nonsense in me. Six feet in his
boots Bah no man as lives stand more nor
two feet in his boots, and no use talking about
it. Might as well tell me the man had six
heads in bis hat.
He WEST.-A Montana vigilance commit.
tee caught an obnoxious character, set him
on his mule and told him he had precisely
fifteen misutes to leave the country in. He
replied "Geuts, if this mule don't balk
fve'll answer"
Do You say your prayers regularly every
night and morning?" asked a sympathetic
lady of little shoe black, to whom she had
just given a trife. Il allus sez EN- at night.
mum, but any smart boy can take care of his.
selfin the daytime" was the little rogue's
reply.
When old Carlow sits on SallY's chair,
Oh don't wish that we're there?
When her fairy fingers pat his head,
Oh! don't wish twas me instead?
When Sally's arms his neck imprisou,
Oh don't wish my neck was his'n?
When Sally kisses Carlow nose,
Oh don't wish that l were those?
A GENTLEMAN had just taken his seat at the
dinner table, when the servant reported
beggar at the door. Feeling in is pocket for
"a stamp" but finding none, he replied:
Tell him haven't shilling with me, and
resumed his dinner Presently, the servant
returned, with please sir, he says he can
change note"
LEARN IN TnE.-A gentle Quaker had two
horses,-a very good and a very poor one.
When seen riding the latter, it turned out
that his better half had taken the good one.
"WhatI" said a sneering bachelor, show
comes it that you let your wife ride the better
horse"' The reply was, Friend, when thee
be married thee'll know
"WHAr made you quit the east?n said a
man in Nevada to a new conner. ''I got into
trouble by marrying two wives was the re.
sponse, "Wen, said the other, II came out
here because got into trouble by marrying
only one wifi" ''And l." added bystand-
er, ''came here because I got into trouble
simple by promising to marry one
a MAN, on the day he became one hundred
years old, went to have pair of shoes made.
and remarked that he wanted them made sub
stantial, with plenty of hob-uais in them.
The shoemaker observed that he might not
live to wear such pair Of shoes out, whereat
the eenienarian became quite indignant, aver.
ring that be started the second hundred Years
good deal stronger than he did the first.
ACREEABIY DisApPoIxTED. man recent.
iy entered a restaurant in a western town and
ordered very elaborate dinner. He inger.
ed long at the past, and finally wound up with
a bottle of wine. Then lighting a cigar he
had ordered, leisurely sauntered up to the
counter and said to the proprietor: VERY
fine dinner, landlord jus. charge i. to me |
hayn't got cent"
But don't know you," said the proprie-
tor, Indignantly.
. "Of course you don't If you had YOU
wouldn't have let me have the dinner.
PAY for the dinner, ] say ~
"And say can't"
'I'iI see about that, - said the proprietor,
who snatched revolver out of the drawer.
Ieoped over the counters and coliared the man.
exclaiming, as he presented it at his head.
Now see if you'll get away with that dinner
without paying for It, yen seoundreli"
What is that you bold in your hand?n
SAID the impecunious customer drawing back.
That. sir, is a revolver, sir.''
"Oh J that's revolver, isit? don't care
darn for . revolver: I thought it was stom-
ach-pump''
Reckon eouidn't drive a trade with you,
Squire = said genuine specimen Of the Yan.
kee pedeF, as be stood at the door of a mer.
chant in St. Louis.
Il reckon you calculate about right, for
you can't no ways
Wall, guess you needn't get huffy bout
it. Now, here's dozen genooine razor straps.
with two dollars and half you may bey
'em for two dollars"
4 tell you don't want any of your strops.
so you may as we'll be going along
NINnn non III. - -,