The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1870-06-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

young man to her papa.
"A French writer remarks: "lf q
lady says to you / can never love
| YOU wait little longer; all hope is
40, lost But if she says, No one has
more sincere wishes for your happiness
than l., take your hat"
"A tutor OF college, lecturing O
Young man on his irregular conduct,
added with great pathos, "rhe report
Of your vices will bring your fathers
gray hair with sorrow TO the grave
Il beg your pardon, sir" replied tho
pupil, "my father wears n wig
You ask me, love, how many times
think Of you u day;
frankly answer only once,
And mean just what say.
You seem perpleXed, and somewhat hurt;
But wait and hear the rhyme:
Pray. how can one do more than once
What one does all the time?
-"Doctor,' said wit, 'come, throw
away your lancet and pill-boxes, and
let us go somewhere tor week or
two" Yes replied Bolus, but what
will my patients do in the meantmeT
Get well, to be sure, and you would
lose your practice. had not thought
of that
II see,' said young lady the other
day, that some stationer advertises
blank declarations for sale; ! wish l
could get one 'WhyY asked her
mother. Because, ma, Mr.. Grecn is
too modest to ask me to marry him;
and perhaps, il could fill up decla-
ration with the question he would sign
it,
Sir William B. being at parish
meeting, made some proposals, which
were objected to by q farmer. Highly
enraged, "Sir." said he to the farmer,
"do you know, sir, that | have been..at
two universities, and at wo..colleges in
each university ?" "Well, SIR" said .
the farmer, what Of tlIat3 had .
calf that sucked two cows, and the Oh.
servation l made was, the more hs
sucked the greater calf he grew"
"A characteristic anecdote is rcla-
ted Of an out of-elbow poet, who, by
some freak of fortune, came into pos.
session OF q five dollar bill He lied
to lad, and said, johnny, my boy,
take William, and get it changed"
What do you mean by calling it Will
LAM inquired the wondering lad.
why, JOHN" replied the poet, II am
not sufficiently familiar with tito take
the liberty Of calling it Bill"
SCENE IN A scHooL-Roox.
Said Master Beach to Willie Smith,
"Your hand. sir, in twinkling."
Said Willie Smith to Master Beach,
"T'will hurt, sir, am thinking.
".ind If twill answer Just as well,
I'll give my hand to Lilly Bell.
You know 'twont hurt me near 50 bad,
And Lilly dear will be so glad"
The master looked as sweet
AS if he'd just been kissed;
And said in milder tones,
"The S, hool is now dismissed
In announcing, te death OF Rev.
Charles T wnscnd, the octoyenarian
rector Of kingston-by Sea, the Graphic
says: "IIe was not only friend Of
poets, but also a sonnetteer and epi.
gramma,ist Once, when thieves en-
tered the rectory, taking everything Of
value that they could find, he found
s,la.e in the following epigram:
They came and prigg'd my stockings my
Linen, and my store;
But they couldn't prig my sermons, tor
they were prigg'd before!
"A one-legged Welsh orator, named
Jones, was pretty successful in banter.
ing an lrishman, when the latter asked
him, How did you come to lose your
legT Well zaid Jones, 'on exam n
ing my pedigree and looking up my
descent, L ound there was some Irish
blood in me, and becoming convinced
tat it was settled in that left leg, ! had
1t cut off at once BE the powers
said Pat. it would have been deuced
good thing if it had only settled in
your head
A Question Settled.-Old Joe
B. vas q quie. old man. but some.
what 100 fond Of the bottle. When in
his cups, his ideas tended toward theo.
logical matters. which he always avoid.
ell in his sober moments. 1t was Sat.
uriay afternoon CONNECTICUT baking
DAY aud his good wife wanted some
wood for the oven.
"Joe, I do wish you would 60 asd
split some wood. Here it 10 nearly ]
o'clock, end the Gre isn't made."
Joe went to execute his mission, bat
fearing his physical condition was too
weak, marched to the neighboring tav.
ern to fortify hiuself therein. He re.
turned home utterly oblivious to ali
these things, save his pet theories
Seating himself on his chair. he said: