Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-06-17
Ell HEREOF.

How long can goose stand on one foot?
Try lt-thats the way the goose found out.
When person declares that his "brain
Is on tire, is it etiquette to blow it out?
Soft soap, in some shape, pleases all; and
generally speaking, the more ye you put
into it the better.
-Four boxes govern the world--the cart
ridge box, the ballot box, the jury box and
the band box
Josh Billings says he will never patronize
lottery SO long as he can hire any body
else to rob him at reasonable wages.
1t you want an ignoramus to respect YOU
dress to death, and wear watch seals about
the size of a brickbat
If you can't coax fish to bite, trv YOUR
persuasive powers on cross dog, and Won.
will be sure to succeed
"IIs the voice Of the sluggard, hear
HIM complain as Paddy said when he heard
the pig grunt.
A man of little wisdom is a sage among
tools; but himself is chief among fools if he
looks TOR admiration among them.
1t is said that bleeding partially blind
horse In the nose will restore him to sight.
70 open mans eyes you must bleed him
in the pocket.
A boys idea of having a tooth drawn
may be summed up as follows: "The doctor
Mtched fast on me, pulled his best and Just
before he killed me the tooth came out.
CoNUNDRUM-What is the difference be-
tween the entrance of barn and a loaer
in printing office One is barn door and
the other is a darn bore
An emgrant wagon passing through
Rochester, Minnesota, the other day. bore
the quaint inscription "Dont inauire-
North Pole or bust .''
Old lady-"Dr, is it true that snuff in
jures the brain ?"
Doctor-'Certainly not, madam. Those
who have brains never take it."
What is taking mans name in vain o
Our Devil answers the question thusy
Forging mans name to a note, and then
obtaining nothing on the note.' ssKurrect.',
An Illinois grave digger, who buried a
man named Button. sent a bill to his Wild
ow as follows: TO making one Button
hole, $3.50. 0 '''
"A man advertises for competent persons
to undertake the sale of new medicine y
and adds that sit will be profitable to the
undertaken.
:. Inc wretch who can stand in pair of
slippers worked for him by his wife and
scold her, is brute who deserves to have
the govt in both feet.
Stubs said to one of his Debtors "Isn't
1t about time you paid me that little bill ?"
NY dear sir" was the consoling reply. |
:. 1t is not question Of time it is Dues
ton Of money"
Young man, do you believe in a future |
state ?"
In course [ duz; and what's more, T
mean to enter it as soon as Betsy gets her
things ready"
10 make little boys trowsers last, when
you make suit Of clothes for them. finish
the coat first, and by SO doing YOU will make
the trowsers last It is the onlv wav the
thing can be done.
"Oh, Tommy, that was abominable in
you, to eat your little sisters share of the
cake p why" said Tommy, 'didn't you
tell me, ma, that was az,oays to take her
part ?"
Connecticut man who has worn a hat
forty years, says it has been in fashion sew
en- times. Old hats are always in fashion
to certain extent, if a man.hasn't got mon
ey to buy new one.
why" asked governess of her little
charge 40 we pray God to give us our dali
~ bread? Why don't we ask for four days,
Or i've days, or Il weekY 1--WE want it freshp
replied the ingenius child.
Come, don't be timid, said couple of
foolish snobs to two mechanics; sit down and
make yourselves our equals We'd have to
oioW our brains out to do that, was the
reply.
AS lawyer and doctor were WALKING
arm IN arm wag said to friend, These
TWO y arc just equal to one bighwayman:"-
Why! was the response Because it is
a lawyer and doctor-your money or your
life
FIFTEENTH AMENDMENr.-In msrrying a
young Irish girl to d smart mulatto, in the
presence of the dignitaries of Western
town. Justice Garrett said: "In the name
OF the great jehovah the Continental Con-
gress, and the Fifteenth Amendment, I pro-
nounce you husband and wife,
Lord Kames, in conversation with his
gardener, one day, said: "John, the time
will come when man shall be able to carry
the manure for an acre of ground in one Of
his waistcoat pockets" II believe it sir"
said the gardener, ''but he will bo able to
carry all the crop in the other"
A certain boarding house was very much
infested by vermin. A gentleman who slept
there one night, told the landlord so in the
morning, when he said: ''La sir, we haven't
a single bug in the house." ''No ma'am."
SAID he, they're all married, and have
large families, too"
A few days since little ragged urchin
was sent by tradesman to collect small
bill. He began in the usual way, but be-
coming more and more importunate. at
length the gentleman's patience being ex-
hausted, he said to him:
"You need not dun me SO sharply I am
not going to run away"
Il don't suppose you are, said the boy,
his head; "but my master is,
ind he wants the money. Ii