Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-03-17
Humorous Readings.

Flowers of speech.-The language of
Lily-put.
Melbourne seems to be the bourne
from which no traveller returns.
| "A novel is announced with the name
of "What her face says" This must
surely be the narrative of what Is called
speaking countenance.
-"Its nice country to live in-you've
such Elegant funerals whin you're buried,
was the expressed opinion OF Mlsther
Paddywhack.
A contemporary appalls oyster eaters
by describing the oyster as marine
lacephalous moluse of the lamelli-bran-
chiate order of the genus ostrea."
| "A fellow out West has been stealth
| ily watching the young ladies learning TO
skate. The first remark of one beauty
was, "Girls, did crack the ice"
Essays on "What Horace Greeley
doesn't know of Farming" are declined,
because the supply of paper in the ceun-
i try would give out before they could be
printed
Our matrimonial law reporter shows
that of all the difficulties encountered in
legal proceedings, the most insurmount-
able, beyond all comparison, are mothers
in-law.
"A Chinese thus describes a trial in
the English law courts: "One man is
/, quite silent, another talks all the time,
j and twelve wise Tuen condemn the man.
who has not said word
"A sensational preacher in Iowa con-
ducts Sunday services in billiard saloon,
opening church with beer all around, and
closing with treat for the crowd. He
draws large audiences.
-"Wife," said a gentleman of New
Haven, ''has Willie been baptized p 'No
my dear, not yet but why do you ask,
John ?" Because there is great deal of
smallpox about, and it ought TO be done
at once.
The late Col. Isaac o. Barnes said
once: 'Yes, gentlemen. believe in the
millennium, and that the time viii come
when the lion and the lamb will lie down
/ together; but, gentlemen, think the
lamb will be badly scared the first night"
The following advertising is from
White Pine paper: And Joseph wept
aloud, and said unto his brethren: Il am
Joseph doth my father yet live u And
his brethren answered him: "You bet
the old man is doing bully, for he boards
b at the Cosmopolitan"
e "A perplexed housewife presented to
5 her guests dish of oysters, the results of
her first efforts at cooking this delicious
bivalve, with this explanation: found
: it very difficult to dress them, 80 l just
b held on to their wings and cut their stom-
, achs off. 1 guess they'll be good
s An Iowa editor acknowledges the re-
e ceipt of congressional documents in adj
n vance of the mail. The way it occurred
was this: a wolf chased the mail carrier
- about four miles. They want the gov
eminent to put on that route number OF
s. able-bodied wolves to facilitate matters.
e A very corpulent lady got into the
u East Gloucester omnibus on Wednesday,
II and as it was crowded full she was obliged
:. TO stand up The driver, speaking
through the window, asked her 'if she
had Il seat y "Got seat enough, but
d there's no place to put it," was the reply.
Is "Now. sposin you was to be turned into
n an animal" said Jim, "what would you
: like to be, Bill?" 80, I'd be a iOn,' re-
> piled Bill, "because he's So" 20, no
{, don't be lion. Bill, interrupted little
. Tom, who had some recent painful ex-
lie perience at school, "be a wasp, and then
Is you sting the schoolmaster-"
,r "Say, pa" said Freddie, ''can God do
any thing 2" Eyes. dear" "Can he make a
y two-yeer old colt IN two minutes" why
lie he wouldn't want TO do that, Freddie
yol "But Suy p-. if He did want, could lie
"a do it" yes certainly" answered the
"A father. somewhat annoyed at the ehilds
pert rfanity. What in two minutes pa"
yes in two minutes" Well, then, the
n, colt wouldn't be two years old, would be-
to Certain partisans have protested
lg against the censorship of epitaphs, one oil
the censors proves his lenieney by pre-
IN senting several which he allowed TO pass
u unchanged, among them these-''Mlle
Marie, Louis E. She was an angel
upon earth. What will she be in heaven!
ne IN. T. -, aged 40 deeply regretted by
s. his widow, and by his brother, who Is
n knight of the Legion of Honor" Emile
C., aged three years and half. His
life was one of self-denial and sacrifice"
Il Soon after the opening of the Pacific
. ra uway, a party, of whom ex-senator
d Ben, Wade was one, made the overland
b Jour. uey. Complaints were expressed
about; the discomforts experienced on the
Amer can Desert section of the line
= Wishing to make the best of what could
u not be remedied, one of the party re-
marked that with plenty of water to lay
L. TIE dust, and pleasant society, the great
s. An ,erican Desert would be not only en-
q dura ble, but delightful. Whereupon the
n aY-San ator observed: with plenty OF
l. water q, ID good society, hell would not
y be bad D lace TO live in"
II A conn. 'e ran off to get married, ana
It came bacL :. the brides house, where
Q Che bnmhIv an. ID for the forgiveness OF
her father, kneel, ug at his feet, all tears arr
s'Fergive me, forg.' We me, lt ~sreS' i For.
q err" .sobbed the lovely sHppliant.
'. gioe you I" exclaimed the old gentleman,
d "why, ! am only too glad to get rid of
you! Your ill-temper and idleness have
been the plague Of my life, and make
h your marriage no loss to me, my dear
It child So, take her." added the Old gen.
tleman, generously addressing the happy
, man, 'and may you be happy"
e "A correspondent believes that many
of the girls remain single only because
they cannot find money and brown
T. stone house, with 9 man attached Is
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