Orleans independent standard. [volume] (Irasburgh, Vt.) 1856-1871, 1870-01-11
My Wife's Bridal Tour.
BY NOSE SKINNER.

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she said she'd rather 90 alone-when
a woman was travelling a man was
an out-and-out humbug.
So | gave her seventy-6ve cents,
and told her to go off and have a
good time. l never begrudge money
where my wife'S happiness is concern
ed. My first wife never could com
plain of not going anywhere's, for
I'm dreadful fierce TO 60 off on a
good time myself, and always was.
| don't pretend to say how many
times [ took her out to see the en-
gine squirt-and there was no end to
the free lectures | let her go to.
The neighbors used to say: at does
beat all how the SINNERS do go"
When Signor Blitz was in Skunk
vile, with his wonderful canaries, he
gave my wife complimentary tick
ct. Inot only sold that ticket for
my wife, but l gave her half the
money. | don't boast of it though !;
| only mention it to show how much
| thought of my wife's happiness.
l don't think any man ought to get
married till he can consider his wife's
happiness only second to his own.
John Wise, neighbor Of mine, did
thusly, and when | got married, l con-
cludcd I'd do like Wise.
But the plan didn't work in the
case Of my second wife. No, |
should say not. l broached the sub
ject kindly. Matilda" | said,I sup
pose you are aware that | am now
your lord and master"
Not much you aint," said she.
"Mrs. Skinner" I replied" you
are fearfully demoralized. You
need reorganizing at once. You
are cranky" And l brandished
my new sixty-two cent umbrella
around her.
She took the umbrella away from
me, and locked me up in the clothes
press.
| am quick to draw an inference,
and the inference | drew here was,
that | was not a success as a reor-
| ganizer of female women.
After this | changed my tactics.
let her have her own way. and
the plan worked to a charm from
/ the very first. Its the best way of
managing a wife that | know of.
OF course this is between you and
me.
So when my wife said she was
bound to 90 off on a bridal tour any
how, | cordially assented.
Go, Matilda" said |, land stay
as long as you want to, then if you
feel as though you would like to
stay little while longer, stay, my
dear, stay"
She told me to stop talking, and
90 upstairs and get her red flannel
nigbt-cap, and that bag of penny
1 10y dl lOI utE AuHI AUlSdll.
Ny wife is a very smart woman.
She was a Baxter, and the Baxters
are a very smart family indeed.
Her mother, who is going on eighty,
can fry more slapjacks now, than
half these primped-up city girls, who
rattle ou the piano, or else walk the
streets with their furbelows and fix
ings, pretending to get mad if a
young chap looks at EN- pretty hard,
but getting mad in earnest if you
don't take any notice Of them at
all.
All! girls amt what they used to
be when l was young, and the fel-
lows are worse still. When | went
courting, for instance, | never
thought Of staying till after ten
o'clock, and only went twice a week.
Now they 60 seven nights in a
week, and cry because there amt
eight. Then they write touching
notes to each other during the day.
Dear George, do you love me as
much now as you did at quarter
past twelve last night? Say you
do, dearest, and it will give me
courage to 90 down to dinner and
tackle them cold beans left over from
yesterday"
/ Well, well, | suppose they enjoy
themselves, and it amt for US old
folks, whose hearts have got little
calloused by long wear, to interfere.
Let them get together and court, if
they like it-and | think they do.
| was forty-seven when | courted
my present wife, but it seemed just
as nice to sit on a little cricket at
her feet, and let her smooth my
hair, as it did thirty years ago.
As | said before, my wife is a
very smart woman, but she couldn't
be anything else, and be Baxter.
She used to give lectures on Wo-
mans Rights. and in one place where
she lectured, big college conferred
the title of L. L. D. npon her. But
she wouldn't take it. "No, gentle
men," said she, 'give it to the poor"
She was always just so charitable.
She gave my boys permission to go
barefooted all winter, and insisted
upon it so much in her kind way
that they couldn't refuse.
She fairly dotes on my children,
and I've seen her many a time go
to their trowsers pockets and take
out their pennies after they'd got to
sleep, and put them in her bureau
drawer ., for fear they might lose
them.
| started to tell you about my
wife's bridal tour, but the fact is,
| never could find out much about
it myself. | believe she had good
time. She came back improved in
health, and | found out, before she'd
been in the house twenty-four hours,
that she'd gained in strength also.
| don't say how | found it out. |
simply say l found it out.
In conclusion, would say to all
young men: Marry your second
wife first, and keep out of debt by
all means, even if you have to bor
row money to do it.
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