The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1870-06-03
BY MARK TWAIN,

Nashville to Chattanooga, and from
Chattanooga to Atlanta-but he never
could overtake him. At Atlanta he
took fresh start and followed him clear
through his march 10 the sea. He ar
rived too late again by a few days, but
hearing that Sherman was going out in
the Quaker City excursion to the Holy
Land, he took shipping for Beirut, cal
culating to head off the other vessel.
When he arrived in Jerusalem with his
beef, he learned that Sherman had not
sailed in the Quaker City, but had gone
to the Plains to fight Indians. He re-
turned to America and started for the
Rocky Mountains; after eighteen days
of arduous travel on the Plains, and
when he had got within four miles of
Sherman's headquarters, he was toma-
hawked and scalped, and the Indians
got the beef. They got all of it but one
barrel. Sherman's army captured that,
and so, even in death, the bold naviga-
tor partly fulfilled his contract. In his
will, which he had kept like a journal,
he bequeathed the contract to his son
Bartholomew w; Bartholomew w.
made out the following bill and then
died: -es .-
| THE UNITED STATES
In acct. with JOHN WILSON MACKf:SzIE.
! of New jersey, deceased -a..-. Dr
To thirty barrels of beef for General sher-
|
To travelling expenses and transportation 1900
Total. .............-..-.... ...... $1,000
s.rs Reed Fay't. t
He then died but he left the contract
to VIM. j. Martin, who tried to collect
it, but died before he got through. He
left it to Barker j. Allen, and he tried
to collect il also. He did not survive.
Barker j. Allen left it to Arson g.
Rogers, who attempted to collect, and
got along as far as the Ninth Auditors
office, when Death, the great leveller,
came all unsummoned, ana closed on
| him also. He left the bill to a relative
of his in Connecticut, Vengeance Hop
| kins by name, who lasted four weeks
and two days, and made the best time
on record, coming within one of reach
ing the Twelfth Auditor. In his will
he gave the contract bill TO his uncle, by
the name of O-be-joyful johnson. 1t
was too undermining for joyful. His
last words were "Weep not for me-
am willing to CO. And SO he was, poor
soul. Seven people inherited the con-
tract after that. But they all died. So
it came into my hands at last. 1t fellio
me through a relative by the name of
Observation-Disclosures Hubbard, of Indi-
ana. He had had grudge against me
for long time; but in his last moments
he sent for me, and forgaye me every
thing, and, weeping. gave me the beef
| contract. H-.
This ends the history of it up to the
time that 1 succeeded to the property.
l will now endeavor to set myself
straight before the nation in everything
that concerns my share in the matter.
took this beef contract, and the bill
for mileage and transportation, to the
President of the United States. He
said:
We'll, sir, what can do for youl" l
said:
"Sire: On or about the tenth day of
October, 1861, John Wilson Mackenzie,
of Rotterdam, ChemuDg county, New
Jersey, deceased, contracted with the
General Government 10 furnish General
Sherman the sum total Of thirty barrels
of beef
|. He stopped Inc there, and dismissed
me from his presence-kindly, but firm
ly. The next day / called on the Sec
rotary of State. He said:
"Well, sir?"
said: Your Royal Highness-on or
about the 10th day of October, 1861,
John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotterdam,
Chemung county, New Jersey, deceas-
ed, contracted with the General Gov
eminent to furnish to Gen. Sherman the
sum total of thirty barrels of beef
'That will do, sir-that will de; this
Office has nothing to do with contracts
for beef"
1 was bowed out. Thought the mat
ter all over, and finally, the following
day, visited the Secretary of the Navy,
who said, "Speak quickly, sir; do not
keep me waiting. l said:
Our Royal Highness: On or about
son Mackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung
county, New Jersey, deceased, contract
ed with the General Government to fur
nish General Sherman the sum total of
thirty barrels of beef"
Well, it was as far as / could get. He
had nothing to do with beef contracts
for General Sherman either. l began to
think it was a curious kind of a govern
meEt. 1t looked somewhat as if they
wanted to get out of paying for that
beef. The following day / went to the
Secretary of the Interior. ] said:
"Your Imperial Highness: On or
about the 10th day of October"
s"That is sufficient, sir. / have heard
of you before. Go, take your infamous
beef contract out of this establishment.
The Interior Department has nothing
whatever to do with subsistence for the
army"
I went away. But | was. exasperated
now. l said l would haunt them 1
Ubiquitous Government till the contract
business was settled; 1 would collect
that bin or fall as fen my predecessors,
irving. / assailed the Postmaster Gen
eral; l besieged the Agricultural De-
partment Il waylaid the Speaker of the
House OF Representatives. They had
nothing to do with army contracts for
beef. / moved upon the Commissioner
of Patent Office. ! said:
III =
about
"Perdition, have you got here with
your incendiary beef contract at last?
We have nothing to do with beef con-
tracts for the army, my dear SIR
NHOh, that is all very well-but some
body has got to pay for that beef. It
has got TO be paid now, too, or I'll con-
fiscate this old Patent Office and every
thing in it. $500
1T don't make any difference, sir. The |
Patent Office is liable for that beef, / |
reckon; and liable or not liable, the Pa |
tent Office has got to pay for it."
Never mind the details. 1t ended in
a fight, The Patent Office won. But / |
found out something to my advantage. |
! was told that the Treasury Depart |
ment was the proper place for me to go. /!
/ went there. l waited there two hours |
and nall, ana then L was admitted to |
the First Lord of the Treasury. / said |
"Most noble, grave and reverend Sig
nor: On or about the 10th day of Octo-
Der, 1861. John Wilson Macken-o
THAT is sufficient. Sir. / have heard |
of you. Go to the First Auditor of the |
Treasury"
did so. He sent me to the Second
Auditor. The Second Auditor sent me
to the Third, and the Third sent me to
the First Controller of the Corn-Beef
Division. This began to look like bus
mess. He examined his books and all
his loose papers, but found no minute of
the beef contract ] went to the Sec
ond Controller Of the Corn-Beef Divi-
sion. He examined his books and his |
loose papers, but with no success. III
was encouraged. During that week I
got as far as Sixth Controller in that di-
vision; the next week / got through the |
Claims Department the third week /
began and completed the Mislaid Con-
tracts Department, and got foothold |
in the Dead Reckoning Department. i |
finished that in three days. There was |
only one place left for it nosv.l I laid