The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-06-21

B0~ A slovenly fellow, describing his
i'll to a physician, insisted on telling him
what he had tried "Well, said the
doctor, did you ever try clean shirt?"
pGy~ A giddy student, having got his
scull fractured, was told by the doctor
that the brain was visible, on which he
remarked: Do write and tell father, for
he always said / had none
HGy~ A well-known London printer
being called on to reply to toast said
Gentlemen, thank you most heartily.
L can't make speech; but | can print
one as long as you like"
DGS" A subscriber writes to an editor
i don't want your paper any longer"
TO which the editor replies, 81 wouldn't
make itany longer if you did, It's pres
ent length suits me very we'll"
Bay BETTER" Doctor, DOCTOR" said
conceited coxcomb to distinguished
physician during the prevalence of an ep-
idcmic " does the fever affect the higher
order p {" No." replied the doctor, but
it's death on fools, and you'd better leave
the city Immediately"
BGS~ A sailor passing through grave
yard, saw on one of the tombstones, " [
still live" This was too much for Jack
who, shifting his quid, calculated
Well I've heard say there are cases
in which man may lie, but if l was
dead I'd own it."
Beg An Indiana lawyer, finding his
principal witness to drunk to testify when
he was wanted, addressed the court in a
four hour speech, in which he touched
upon everything, including the Fifteenth
Amendment, and finally his man came to
time.
DS7y~ A servant living in the country
was directed to get the mail. After her
return her mistress inquired:
Did you get the mail Z?
She answered: Faith, mum, l did
not for you forgot to tell me whether it
was Indian mail or corn mail that you
wanted.
Deg" One exceedingly warm day in
June neighbor met an old man, and re-
marked that it was very hot.
Yes" said jos " if it wasn't for one
thing, | should say we were going to
have thaw."
"What is that ?" inquired the friend.
"There's nothing froze," said Joe.
ga~ A western coroners jury returned
a verdict that the deceased came to his
death from exposure. "What do you
mean by that2" asked relative of the
dead man, " there are two bullet holes in
his skull" The Coroner replied, with
wave Of his magisterial hand, "Just SO,
he died from exposure to bullets"
Begn A good story is told us of dimin-
utive mercantile gent Of a neighboring
city, who, it is said, recently proposed to
a young and buxom damsel, with the fol-
lowing result: "Oh, no." said she, 81
can't think of it for moment. The
fact s,--you're a little too big to
put in cradle, and little too small to
be put in a bedw The black hair of
the stricken youth has since run to
seed
BSf5" SHORT AND PoINTED.-On rough
old sailor being asked by one of the mem
bers of learned society to write con-
else account of the manners and customs
of somewhat barbarous nation whose
territories he had lately been exploring
he put down the following exceedingly
brief summary Of the characteristics of
the people in question GO Manners, none.
Customs nasty"
RG3" An old gentleman who used to
frequent certain cotfee-house, being un-
well, thought he might make so free as
to steal an opinion concerning his case
and one day took an opportunity of ask
ing one of the faculty, who sat in the
same box with him, what he should take
for such complaint. "Ill tell you,"
said the doctor, sareaStieally +" you
should take advice"
Ra" Sir VIM. B~--being at a
parish meeting, made some proposals