The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-04-22

winch keeps tlulc HE taA-Sdtuerers
Why is a windy orator like whale ?
Because he often rises to spout.
Why is cows tail like swans
frs"m? Because it grows down.
n Curious Fact-The prices asked
by modistc are seldom modest pri-
ces.
Why is saddle like a centaur: Be-
cause its between a man and horse.
Go ne, sheer off," rs the ram said
10 the man who was cutting of his
wool.
An old samekeeper says tina. with
out the dear ladies we should be in a
state of stag-nation.
A Question for Excursionists-DO
picnic parties usually lay out their
dinners OH piece of table-land!
Fast yonng men smo%e great deal.
for il is the nature of a rake 10 have a
quantity Of weeds about it.
The orator who carried away his
audience is affectionately and hui
namely requested TO bring il back.
"Hurry. mamma" said little in
nocent with his finger cut: hurry.
it's leaking"
A man out at ihe elbows was asked
TO quote Shakespeare. He replied
that he would rather be coated HIM
self.
What arc ,ou doing :. .aid 4 faith
t. his son, who was tinkering an
old watch. "Impro, ing my time.
was the rejoinder.
Mrs. Darlington considers that wash
er-women are particularly silly people
TO attempt 10 catch soti wafer when il
rains hard.
"Oh, dear" said fashionable girl,
when she first belicld u cucumber, " ]
always thought such things grew in
Slices
Al would have Won know that AIN
man Of quality" sid a marquis TO a
financicr. And. l." replied the tinan-
cier, lam a man ofquantity.
A Young lady lately dismissed her
beau for wearing superfiuitv OF
beard and wliiskcrs. She said he was
81 eIcstt Ntdt tJO NfSbtCt' suec 1871
Tie Young lady who was perfectly
tlunderstruck at hearing of her
friends engagement. has since been
provided with lightning conductor.
"Soldicrs must be fearful, diehon-
est" SAYS Mrs. Darlington, ''as il seems
10 be an occurrence every night for Il
sentry 10 he relieved of his watch "
A crusty old ,achclor says thai
Adams wife was called Eve because
when she appeared man day of hap
pincss was drawing to close.
A German being required TO give a
receipt in full, after mucF mcntal eff
fort, produced the following:
Il ish full. ] wants no more mon
ish. .JoHN Sw ACIIAMMER.
A fvp In company wanting his SER
want. called ont, Where's that block
head of mine!'
4 lady present answered, On your
shoulders, sir!'
"Sambo. why is pcnLrious man
like fish-pcddlcr:" gibs il right
mp, Joe, so l does well, case he
am a selfish individual.
A railway contractor recently ried
10 take ride on . train of thought
and falling off, was run over b! n
passing event.
An editor thus ludicrously describes
"A primitive church mo velvet cusli-
ions In our pews; we don't go in for
STYLE. The latest person has the soft
est seat, and takes it out with him at
The close of services.
Some amusing instances of -laconie
letters" are given by Mr.. Seton i'm his
Gossip about Letters and Letter
Writers" Says Lord Berkeley 10 the
Duke of Dorset: MY dear Dorset
haze Just been married, and am the
happiest dog alive.-Berkley." And
gets for answer: "My dear Berkeley
Every dog has his day !-Dor>et.'
A Young fellow al college wrote TO
his uncle. Oh whom he entirely de-
pended: MY dear Uncle-lteady for
The needful.-lour aflectionate Ne
phew.' The uncle replied: MY dear
Nepilew-The needfhl is not ready
Your affectionate Uncle. Ii is pleas
ant that affection should survive pc
runiary embarrassments, aF il did in
ihe case of Samuel Foote's mother
and himself: " Ny dear SAM am in
prison for debt come and assist your
loving mother.-E. FOoie. Dear
Mother-So am which prevents his
duty being paid TO his loving mother
by her affcciiOnatc son. Sam Foote. "
An English nobleman was deeply in
love witha "lady fair" He met her
one evening III q crowded ball. and as
lie could not get an OppOri unity of
talking to her, he contrived TO slip into
her hand a piece of paper with the
two words. "Wi'l you:" written upon
it, The reply was equally brief
Wont L. One would think that
correspondence could scarcely be
made more lacOnic than this !: but the
impossible has been achieved. Bro
smith of Leeds, anxious to learn any
news his friend and fcllow-quaker
Bro. Brown. Of Sheffield. might have
~ communicate. sent Him a quartz
sheet with point of Interrogation
Inscribed i'm the centre. Brother
Brown replied by sending a sim
liar shcc1 on which nothing whatever
appeared. 81
WILLING MEN.--On one occasion
during the Revolution. odd Put :
had received a lot of new recruits,
and. as he had some fighting which he
wished 10 do before long, and wanted
none but willing men. he drew up his
.cyics i'm rank before him. Now,
boys" said nc, Il Don't wish 10 retain
any of YOU who wish 10 leave: there
fore. il any of You arc dissatisfied and
wishes 10 return 10 his home, lac may
signify the same by stepping six PAGES
in trout Of The line. But" added the
old war-dog, Ill shoot the first man
that steps out
\ LEARNED WIFE.-An honest far
mer I'm the State of Pennsy lvania mar
ried a miss from fashionable board
iny-sohool, for his second wife. lie
was struck dumb with her eloqucnce.
anu capped with wonder at his wife's
learning. "Iou may, laid lac. bore
hole through the solid airiI. aud
chuck I'm a milestone, and she'll tell
YOU to a Shawn how long the stone
will be going clean through. She has
learnt kemistry and cockucyology.
% and talks heap about oxhides and
comicaI affiniiies. used for TO think
il was the air sucked in every time
that I expired: hOwsomedever. she
.o1lol 49,. IL, I h,,.o hnan -p,.l tp,, m