Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-03-11
Mnmprnns.

Musical dandies--HarmonioUs swells.
The woman question--''Is he rich9''
The pale of socisty--The blondes.
Ocular punishment Eye-lashes
Steady on his pegs-A shoemaker.
Common Scents Musk ard Verbeua.
The best flowers for winter wear-Furze.
The best sea-wsed-A cigar on the beach.
Boot makers always have sole in their
business.
a delicate parcsl-a young lady wrapped
up in herself
Men of nark-ThOse who can't write their
own names.
Relatives that ought to make good pedes-
trians--Step sons.
a man with an "opcu couutenauee" is al
ways read in the face
Why is the sun ike good loaf? Because
its light when it rises.
The right man in the right plsce-A hus-
band at home in the evening.
When a draft passes through bank, does
it give the clerks cold?
Why is a convent Ike an empty hOuse?-
Because it is a nuu;nhapited place.
Be temperate in diet-our first parents ate
themselves out Of house and home.
Most hkely-If mermaid wore veil, we
suppose it would be water fall"
The time to cIineh an argument-When the
attention of your audience is riveted.
a lady advertiaes that she wants gentle
r,au for breakfast and tea. The canaiball
"P'Kce don't" as the thief said to the con
stable when he was about to arrest him.
The individual who fell into a train of
thought was rescued without much injury.
Fros, is the greatest artist in our cline;
He paints in nature, and deserimes in riue.
wnry is a newspaper the sharpest? When
It'll fled
The latest boon to the French people
The Empress's ba.boou.
JAcoB is said to have been the inventor oI
the practice of watering stock,
WHAT difference it makes whether you
put DR.. before or after man name.
tbs latest sensation on the turf is race
between clo,hes-horse and nigh, mare.
JoHS's wife and John were tets a-tets;
She witty was, industrious be:
Saye John. ~ We earned the bread we ate;
And [, says she, have armed the tea. =
Ar a Concert recently, at the conclusion OF
the song, There's good time coming, a
country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Mis.
ter, you couldn't fix the date, could your
LORD BUCKINGHAM was once at dinner
where Mr.. Grubb was required to sing. He
begged 10 be excused, urging that he knew
not what to sing. Sing, d be butterfly, -
suggested the nobleman.
A cRUsTY old doctor declined to pay his
payer's bill, saying the pavement had been
spoiled and then covered up with earth to
hide the bad work. doctor, was the reply,
"mine is not the only work they put earth
over.
a LITTLE boy stubbed his toe and fell on
the pavement. ''Never mind, my little fel-
low, said bystander, ''you won't feel the
pain to morrow Then" answered the
little boy, II won't cry tomorrow"
A PLATE of apples was passed round par.
tY of children. There was 8 fine red one al
the top, which little girl took. "How gree
dy you are, said her next neghbor, ito take
the largest meant to have had that.
DAvY CHockErT happened once to be pres.
ent at an exhibition of animals in the city Of
Washington, when a monkey seemed to at.
tract his particular attention, aud he abstract.
edly observed
''If that fellow had pair Of speetacles, he
would look like Major Wright of Ohio"
| The Major happened to be just behind
Crockett, aud tapped Davy on the shoulder.
Turning around Davy very formally remarked:
''I'll be hanged, Major, if know whose
pardon to ask, yours or the monkeys So
Tue Bitter BlT.-' say. neighbor snobs
ifyou don't keep your hens out of my garden
will shoot them.
Very well, Doorttle, shoot away; only i
You kill any of my hens, throw them into ny
yard
Crack went the old fowling piece, morning
after morning, and the large fat hens were
/ pitched into neighbor Snobbs yard like rain.
/ After fortnight or more, Dooliitle discover
ed Snobbs never bad any hens, end that he
had been shooting his own, they having bro
ken out Of his own hencoop.-N 7. Pic.
A PRomsING Missouri JUvExILe.-The,
have some promising children around Iron
ton. Not long since big boy appeared il
school one morning, when the folIowin,
dialogue occurred between him and ths
teacher;
Can you read?'
/ Don't know, was the reply.
Can you spell easy words I?
Don't know
DO you know the alphabet?'
Yes.
Try this word
! Horse
What does that speil?
Don't know
Wha. do you ride at home?
Mules
Try this word
.Brea
What does that spell2
Don't krow'
What do sou eat at homer
'Acorns.'
Try this short word
Bed
What does that speng
Don't know
What do yOe sleep OF at nightY
tShasnsL;,