The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-09-23
SEPTEMBER %, 1870.


Thc JOSH BiAings Papers.
| 10 fl93 sJI9f--tiI 4. ~ 9..fsaJ... r
isJfii r if ia HOTELS. fluR - - I.,t
\ Hotels are houses ov refuge, home.
tor the svagrants, the married man!
retreat, and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts. Ov ways
sum on the European plan, and meny
ov them ON no plan at all. g.. -. 4
mother, he Knows biz .bizzness and
means to do hiz duty. lI,sss. =.
I He knows how to rub hiz hands with
joy when the traveller draws nigh, he
knows how to smile, he knew yure
| wife's father when he wazs living, and
yure wife's fust husband, but he don't
speak about him. .ani! 9iQfi K {
Z He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not he hears yure kom-
plants with q taar.in .hiz eye, he blows
up the servants at syure. suggestion,
and stands around reddY, with q shirt
collar as stiff az broken chi9a. g. !.
! A man may be. q good supreme
court Judge and at the same time be
a miserable landlord. 't.ssa ~ & 'i't'
Most everybody THINKS they kan
keep a hotel land they kan) but this
ackounts for the CRATE number Ov 'ho-
tes that are kept on the same principle
that justiss ov the peace of1iss IL kept
in the country during O 'six-days' trial
for killing sumboddy's yello dOrg. "a
Ahotel wontkeep itself and keep the
landlord too, and ever kure a travelez
| from the habit -ov profane swareipg. s,
L hay had this experiment tried on
me several times, and it alTus makes
tie swares wuss. -. - ..,f..
Itiz too often the kase that Landlords
go into the Dizziness ov hash az r1inis=
ters go into the professhun, with the
very best Ov motives, but the poorest
kind ov prospecks. al % -,
Idon't know ov emmy Dizziness more
fiattersum than the tavern Dizziness,
there dea'ts tseem to be ennything to do
but to stand in front Ov the register
with q pen behind the ear and see that
the guests enter themselfs az soon az
they enter the house, then yank bell
rope six or seven times, and then tell
John to sho the gentleman to 976, and
then take four dollars and fifty cents
next morning from the poor devil Ov d
traveller and let him went. -
This seems to be the whole thing
land it is the whole tlling) in most
cases. -fa s8ti.- tft
Yu will diskOver the following des-
kripshun, a mild one, ov about 8 hotels
out Ov 10 between the Atlantik and
Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United
States i'm straight line: . .~r...
Yure room IL Is foot 6 inches, by 0
foOf incboS 1alD
\ 1t being court week (az usual) all the
good rooms are employed bi the law
yers and judges. f'f,I~lI.Ffr~,
Yure room liz on the uttermOst floor
The carpet liz ingram -ingrained
with the dust, kerosene lie, and ink
spots Ov four generashuns.
There iz two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto,l one ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out, and
missing.
The buro haz three legs and one
brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two
pivets, which have lost their grip. sfe
Thare iz one towel Oh the rack, thin,
but wet. The rain water in the pitcher
cum out ov the well.
The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a
milestone. --.Hf.rs
The soap liz scented with cinnamon
lie, and variagated with spots. n
Thare liz three chairs, kane settlers,
one liz a rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare is a matchbox, empty. ,
Thare is no kurtin to the windo, and
thare don't want to be any, yu kant see
out, and who kan see in?
The bel rope IL cum oph about 6 inch
es this side Ov the ceiling.
The bed liz q modern slat bottom.
with two mattresses, one cotton, and
one husi, and both harder, and about
az thick as sea biskit.
feel every slat at once, az eazy az yu
could the ribs ov grid iron.
The bed liz inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but rool over good
deal.
For breakfast yu have a gong, and
rhy coffee too kOld to melt butter, fride
pOtatoze which resemble the chips a
two-inch auger makes in its journey
through an oak log. ~
Bread solid, beef stake about az thik
az blister plaster, and so tuff az a
hounds ear. - ri 1
Table covered with plates, few
scared to death pickles ON one Ov them,
ard fly endorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom castor with three
bottles in it, one without emmy pepper
in it, one without emmy mustard, and
one " ith two inches Ov drowned flies,
and vinegar in it. s,4..r
Servant gall, with hoops on. hangs
around yu earnestly, and wants tn kno
if yu will take another cup ov coffee.
Yu say, "N0 nom, thank yu,n and
push back yure chair. Z"
Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for
picking yure teeth.
am about az selfcOnsaited az it will
do for man to be and not crack open,
but never yet consulted that could
keep hotel, had rather be a hiway-
man than to be sum landlords hav
visited with. t-l ir.s-- ir..
Thare are hotels that are joy upon
earth, WHARF a man pays hiz bill az
cheerfully az he did the parsOn who
married him, WHARF you kant find the
landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen,
WHARF servants glide around like angels
ov mercy, WHARF the beds fit a MANS
back like the feathers on a goose, and
WHARF the vittles taste just az tho yure
wife, or yure mother had fried them, r
These kind ov hotels ought tew be
bilt ON wheels and travel around the
country; they areazphuli oy real cum