Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1870-07-30
Josh Billings on Jersey Lightnirg.'

Who it waz that invented alcohol
am unable tew tell without lieing but
i: would hev been filst klass blessing
for the rest of us if he and the lickor
had both ov them been split on the
ground and never been sopped mp since.
The devil himself, with all eiz genius
for ten strike, could not have rolled a
ball more seryiceable for hiz bizness on
earth one more certain to quarter on
the head pin, and sweep the alley every
time. Rum is the Devils stool-pigeon,
his right bower, his high, low, jack, and
the game.
a CRATE menny, with dyspeptic NOR
ais, argy that lckor is Indispensable for
manufacturing and doctor purposes, and
also for mechanical uses and they hold
that you kouldnt raise barn that would
stand without emmy good old Jamaka
rum, and sum say that pudding sass
without emmy speerits in it is no healthier
than common goose grease.
But awl ov these argys are furnished
free ov cost by the Devil himself, and
emmy man who advances them is telling
without knowing it, perhaps.) But
my obeckt in these flu preliminus re-
marks IL tew git a good chance to tell
what l know about Jersey lightning"
Zone ov alcohoPs imps) as a manufaktr-
ing and metaphysical agent.
Jersey lightning IL cider brandy, three
hours old, still-born, and quicker than
flash. The juice is drunk raw by the
old sports and make permonitory and
kissing noise as it winds down the thrut,
like an old she goose setting on eggs, or
hot iron stuck into ice-water. Three
horns day of this lickor will make a
mans interior in six months so that he
kan swallow live six footed krab, feet
tust, and not waste a wink.
1t don't fat man (cider brandy don'D
like whiskee duz, but Fuckers him up
like fried potatoze. If a man kan sur
vive the fust three years of Jersey
lightning he IL safe then for the next 70
years to cum, and keeps looking every
day more like three-year old pepper
pod, hotter and hotter. An old cider
brandy drinker will steam, in a sndden
shower of rain like pile of stable
manure, and his breath smells like the
bung-hole Of rum-cask lately emptied.
When jersey lightning is fust born it
lasts like bileing terpentine and cayenne,
half-and-half, and will raise blood
blister on pair ov old kowhide brogans
in l5 minutes and applied externally
will cure the rheumatism or kill the pG-
tient, forget which. The iust horn a
man takes of this lickor will make him
think he has swallowed gas light and
he will go behind the barn ard try tew
die, but kant. The eyes ov an old cider
brandylst look like deep gashes kut into
a ripe tomato, his noze is the complex.
shun of half-biled lobster, and the gizzle
in his gullet sticks out like an elbow in a
| tin leader.
The more villinous the drink the more
inveterate are those who drink it.
kant tell yer whether cider brandy will
shorten an old suckers days or not for
they generally outlved all the rest OF
the nabors, and die just as soon as the
old tavern stand changes hands and IL
opened on temperance principles. One
bottle of sassaperrilla or ginger-pop IL
az fatal to these fellers az a ritie-ball is
to bed bugg.
| would do almost ennything but
murder to save young man from jersey
lightning but trieing to save an old
one is like trieing tew put the fire out OF
a holler log. You might az well let ii
burn up, for the ashes is worth more
than the log.