Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1870-06-29
MEMORANDA.
BY MARK TWAIN.
HoJ0 I Edited an Agricultural paper
once.
BY MARK TWAIN.

ibid not take the temporary editor
ship of an agricultural paper without
misgivings. Neither would n landsman
take command Ofa ship without misgiv-
ings. But was in circumstances that
made the salary an object. The regular
editor of the paper was going off for a
a holiday, and l accepted the terms he
offered, and took his place.
The sensation Of being at work again
was luxurious, and I wrought all the
week with unfiagging pleasure. We
went to press, and l waited a day with
some solicitude to see whether my effort
was going to attract any notice. As l
left the office, toward sundOWn, a group
of men and boys at the foot of the stairs
dispersed with one impulse, and gave
me Dassage-Way, and heard one or two
of them say: That's him . 1 was nat
uraIly pleased by this incident. The
next morning I found a similar group at
the foot of the stairs, and scattering
couDles and individuals standin here
and there in the street, and over the
wav, watching me with interest. The
group separated and fell back as I ap-
preached, and heard a man say: Look
at his eyep IpTetended not to observe
the notice I was attracting, but secretly
I was pleased with it, and was pUTpOs-
ing to write an account of it to my aunt.
went up the short flight of stairs, and
heard CHEEKY voices and a ringing laugh
as I drew near the door, which 1 opened
and caught a glimpse of two young, ru-
raI-IOOking men, whose faces blanched
and heightened when they saw me, and
then they both plunged through the
window, with 4 great crash. l was sur
pTised.
In about half an hour an old gentle
man, with a flowing beard and a fine
but rather austere face, entered, and sat
down at my invitation. He seemed to
have something on his mind. He took
Of his hat and set it on the floor, and got
out of it a red silk handkerchief and a
copy of our paper. He put the paper on
his lap, and, while he polished his spec
tacles with his handkerchief, he said:
Are you the new editOr%
I said was.
Have yeu ever edited an agricultural
paper befOre%
No. I said; this is my first attempt
Very likely. Have you had any eX-
perience in agriculture, practically%
Some instinct told me So said the
old gentleman, putting on his speCtaCles
and looking over them at me with asper-
ity, while he folded his paper in a con-
venient shape. 4 wish to read you
what must have made me have that in
stinct. 1t was this editorial. Listen,
and see ifit was you that wrote it,
'TuFnips should never be pUlled-it in
lures them. 1t is much better to send a
boy up and let him shake the tree
Now what do you think of that for I
really suppose you wrote it?'
Think of it? Why 1 think it is good.
l think it is sense. I have no doubt
that, every year, millions and mill
lions of bushels of turnips are spoiled in
this township alone by being pulled in a
half-ripe condition, when, if they had
sent boy up to shake the tree
Shake your grandmother Turnips
don't grow on trees y
'Oh, they don't, don't they? Well,
who said they did? The language was
intended to be fgUrative, wholly figura-
tive. AnybOdy'that knows anything, will
know that meant the boy should shake
the Vine.'
Then this old person got up and tore
his paper all into small shreds, stamped
on them broke several things with his
cane, and said l did not know as much
as a COW; and then went out, and bang
ed the door after him and in short, acted
in such q way that fancied he was dis
pleased about something. But, not
knowing what the trouble was I could
not be any help to him.
Pretty soon after this q long, cadaveT-
GUS creature, with lanky locks hanging
down to his shoulders and q weeks
stubble bristling from the hills and val
leys of his face, darted within the door,
and halted, mOtiOnless, with finger on
lip, and head and body bent in listening
attitude. No sound was heard. Still he
listened. No sound. Then he turned
the key in the door, and came elabOr-
ately tip-tOeing toward me, till he was
within long reaching distance of me,
when he stopped, and, after scanning
my face with intense interest for a while
drew folded copy Of our paper from his
bosom, and said:
'There-yOu wrote that. Read it to
me, quick! Relieve mel suffer-
read as fOllows-and as the sentences
fell from my lips I could see the drawn /
over the features like the merciful |
over desOlate landscape:
The guanO is a fine bird, but great care
is necessary in rearing it. ItshOuld not |
be imported earlier than June nor later |
than September. In the winter it
should be kept in a warm place, where |
it can hatch out It's young.
1t is evident that we are to have q /
backward season for grain. Therefore, /
it will be well for the farmer to begin |
setting out his corn-stalks and planting
his buckwheat cakes in July instead of /
August.
Concerning the Pumpkin-This berry |
is q favOrite with the natives of the in /
terror of New England, who prefer it to
the gOOseberry for the making of fruit |
cake, and who likewise give it the pref
erence over the raspberry for feeding
cows, rs being more filling and fully as
The pumpkin is the only es-
culent of the orange family that will /
thrive in the North, except the gOurd
and one or two varieties Of the squash.
But the custom of planting it in the
front yard with the shrUbbery is fast go
ing out for it is generally conceded
that the pumpkin as Il shade tree, is a
failure.
Now, as the warm weather approach
es, and the ganders begin to SPAWN
The excited listener sprang toward
me, to shake hands, and said
There, there-that will do! I know I
[ am all right now, because you have
read it just as l did, word for word. But
stranger, when l first read it this morn
ing l said to myself, never, naver he
it before, Notwithstanding my
friends kept me under watch so strict,
but now l believe ] am crazy; and with
that I fetched q howl that you might /
have heard two miles, and started out 10
kill mebOdY-beCaUse, you know, l
knew it would come to that sooner or la
Ter, and so | might as well begin. read {
Dne of them paragraphs over again, so /
IS to be certain, and then ] burned my N
house down and started. | have Grip [
lled several people, and have got one fell I
OW UP tree, where ! can get him if ! S
want him. But ] thought | would call I
II here as passed along, and make the S
hing perfectly certain; and now it is y
'ertain, and | tell you il is lucky for the q
,hap than is i'm the tree. ! should have s
lilled him, sure, as l went back. Good I
~, sir, gOOd-hy-yOu have taken great i
Oad Off my mind. My reason has stood {
he strain of one of your agricultural ar {
icles, and / know that nothing can m- In
eat il now. GOOd-by, sir a
/ felt little uncomfortable about tho L
and arsOns this person had G
,oen entertaining himself with, for I Z
.ould not help feeling remotely access "
,Ty to them; but these thoughts were a
quickly hanished, for the regular edition
walked in! / thought to myself, Now q
f you had gone to Egypt, as / recon- II
nended you to, / might have had n i,
hance to get my hand in; but you 4
wouldn't do it, and here you are. l sort l,
# fayDnpfnd XvpI1 ] Z,