The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1870-10-14

mounting--The outside.
The man who works with will
TRa probate judge.
Something that you can " beat all
hollow-a bass drum.
Teacher-"T-h-a-t spells WHAT"
Bright Scholar" Does it? II
thought it spelt that -
What is it that nobody wants, yet
nobody likes to loose! A lawsuit.
.Spillt Of the New Jersey press
Apple jack and cider.
When is water most liable to es-
ospe-When it is half tide.
The favorite romance Of Office. seek
crs--Put yourself in his place.
Why talk of 6reside circles any
longer when they are all stove?
Napoleon went to Sedan but I'M
fortunately he saw William.
A clerk in the State Prison is
sort Of Secretary of tho kuave-y.
Why do birds in their little nests
agree ~. Because they'd fall out if
they didn't.
II am on the trail of a DEAR" as
gentleman said when he trod on a
lady's dress.
Nothing is mere useful than starch;
but it. should be put into garments,
not manners.
little fish have proper idea of
business. Not being able to do bet
ter, they start on small scale.
Maxim for the next new President.
-. 4 place for everybody, and eve
rybody in his place."
People who are hard up are gener-
ally in tight place, and those who
are tight are often in hard place.
"A judge in a neighboring city has
been nicknamed "Old Necessity
because necessity knows no law.
Horses obey the scriptural injunc-
tion to . certain extent. Their COM
municaticns are always neigh, neigh.
Il is rs good as settled, now, that
vie can never have shorter lcgisla-
tive sessions until We elect longer
headed men.
In eating oysters always peel the
shells off before swallowing. The
shells are indigestible and arc apt to
lie on. the stomach
Mule races are very popular at g
ricultural fairs this season. And
why not ? They are less expensive
thar the negro race.
Lovers of ''genuine Havana" ci-
gars will be glad to hear that the
cabbage crop Of Connecticut is unusu.
ally promising this season.
The attempt, says paper, to start
an asylum for all useless young men
failed, as no building could DO con-
structed large enough.
Here's the banisters, but where
are the stairs as the drunken fell
low said when be- felt his way around
the bca dstead in the dark.
A ridiculous story is going the
rounds Of the country that Mr.. Bergh
had young lady arrested the other
day for bearing an egg.
There are two directly opposite
reasons why some men have poor
credit--onc because they're not
known, and the other because they
are known.
Ne know city gentleman who is
90 extremely mcthodical in business
that when he pays a compliment even
to his wife, be always will insist on
taking receipt.
Two Irishmen, travelling, were
robhcd and tied in the woods. One
iR4espair, cried, oh, am undone =
Seid the other, 'Faix, then, l wish
you'd come and undo met
The Georgetown Herald says '.tbe
death Of the Republican party would
be . great sorrow to the nation. -
Yes but, like Juliet's parting with
Romeo, it would be ''such sweet
sorrow.' ..
Why are sheep the most dissipat-
ed ANIMALS? Because they gamble
in theiryonth, spend most of their
days on the turf. the best of them are
hlAeklegs, and they are sure to be
fecced at last.
A Boston paper tells of "note
shaver in an interior town of Mas
sacbusctts, who ''kceps the trunk
containing his. securities near the
head Of bis bed and lies awake to
hear them draw interest -
Some of the Western towns arc
employing female clergymen in self
defence, as they never run away with
the girls in the congregation. But
arc not the young men in danger of
being scduced from their homes !?
A woman applied to a magistrate
for . summons against her neighbor.
''She called me thief, your honor.
Cant ! make her prove it p mo
doubt you could,' said the maeis-
trate, ''bu: you had better not.
just before the Republican State
Convention of New York, the lament
ed Rrnale1. placed ,himself in tho