Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-03-18
Aumaroas.


Song for an Aurist-''Come back to Erin
Flags for all Nations Paving stones.
The oldest Revolver-The earth.
'I'n be down directly, as the pill said.
The Key Of the Human chest--The Stetho,
cope.
The fear that islife to us-The atmosphere
Thoughtful hospitality Entertaining an
idea.
Appropriate Somebody advertises real es.
tate dirt cheap.
WHAT is that which comes into existence
about FIVE feet from the ground and is a sign
of treaehery and amity?-A kiss.
A GIRL in Wisconsin swallowed forty per
cussiou. caps. Her mother refrained from
spanking her for fear Of an explosion.
A correspondent says the following notice
Daay be seen a. a backsmiths shop in Essex:
mo horses shod on Sunday 'cept sickness or
death
A Bslcur IDEA "Begorra, but there has
been such a number Of burgleres lately
that I'll jist bolt the door, and then take the
bolt out 10 make sure"
A GENTLEMAN who has been struck by a
young lady beauty has determined to follow
the injunction and kiss the rod that smote
him"
A LITTLE GIRL, after returning from church.
where she saw collection taken up for the
FIRST time, related what took place; and among
other things she said, with her childish limo.
eence, that a man passed around plate
that had some money on it, but didn't take
any
RHrMNG.-A line in one Of Moore's soags
reads thus:
'our couch shall be roses bespaugled with
dew
To which sensible girl rel he'd:
'"Twould give me the rheumatic, and so it
would you. ~
"PoprER, asked an old lady of an Irish
railway porter, when does the nine o'clock
train leave?'
Sixty minutes past eight, mum, was the
reply.
Two little boys were met after dark by
fellow who demanded their money. SAID one
Of them Il have no money" This might
have been a sufficient answer; but the other
i made assurance doubly sure BY adding, And
haven't any pocket to put money in"
/ THEY have a rich joke on Dr. Egan, rrea
land operator as we'll as a most successful
physician. The Doctor prescribed some pills
for a lady. He was asked how they were to
be taken.
"A quarter down, said the Doctor, and
the balance in one, two, and three years.
Where is the hoe, sambo?'
Wild de rake, nasal
We'll, where is the rake {?
Why, vid de hoe
We'll, well--wbere are they both 2
why, both togedder, massa-you pears to
be berry 'iicular dis morniu /
a SOMEWHAT conceited clergyman, who was
more celebrated for the length of his sermons
'ban for their eloqueuce or theory, once ask
cd the Venerable Arch deacon Hale what he
thought Of one just preached.
Well, Sir" replied the bIusque Doctor,
Indeed, Doctor! Pardon me for asking
you which passage you refer to. am really
happy to meet with your approval even in one
instance ."
''Neli, my dear Sir, replied the Archdea.
con, 'tbe passage l refer to was that f on
tie pulpit to the regt,y room.
IT was in a Massachusetts village that an
old scissors grinder, calling on a minister,
made the usual query, Any scissors to grind?'
Receiving negative answer, it was the
minister's turn, which he took by asking.
Are you man OF God?'
i do not understand you.
Are you prepared to die?'
The question struck home. Gathering up
his kit and scrambling for the door, he ex-
claimed, terror stricken:
% Lord 0 Lord you ain goiug to kill
me, are your
Az ce-house laborer being killed BY
lump Of ice falling on his head, the verdict
was, Died OF hard drink"
A ROY in Chautanqua County struck dog.
The owner of the dog, hearing of the out.
rage, went two miles Oh the double. quick at
ter the boy, and having found him, inquired.
in stern tones, Are you the boy that struck
my dog?'
i am, SIR said the lad
Well was the reply, all I've got to say is,
that it was well for you | wasn't there
Having inflicted this fearful punishment,
the indignant man walked proudly away, and
reached his home safely. The lad is not Sc.
riousy injured.
TUE Paris shop-keepers know how to deal
with kleptomsniacs. Not long since an
elegsnty-dressed lady entered fashionable
lace store, and asked to look at Valencien
nes laees. The patterns shown appeared to
her too coarse aud heavy, and she left with
out purchasing, but not without carrying
any thing away. The vigilant eye Of the
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