Vicksburg weekly herald. (Vicksburg, Miss.) 1868-1883, 1870-07-23
.IERsEx LIGHTNING"
JOsh billings Tells what He
Knows AbOut Is.

Josh BIIIIngs Tells what He
Knows AbOut Ht.
Who it Waz that invented alcO-
hol / am unable tew tell without
Icing: but it would haV bin q fust
klass blessing for the rest Of us if
he and the liquor had both ov
them been split on the ground and
never been sopped up since.
The devil himself, with all his
genius for q ten strike, could not
have rolled a ball more service
able for hiz bizness on earth one
more certain to quarter on the
head pin pin, and sweep the alley
every time. Rum is the DEVILS
stool pigeon, his right bower, his
jack and the game.
A CRATE menny, with dyspeptic
morals, argy that lickor Is indis-
pensibel for manufacturing and
doctor purposes, and also for me.
kanikal uses, and they hold that
yu kouldn't raise a barn that
would stand, without ennv good
old Jamaka rum, and sum say that
pudding sass, without emmy spec
rits in it, is no healthier than COM
mon goose grease.
But awl ov these argys are fur
nished free ov cost, by the Devil
himself, and emmy man who ad-
vances them IL telling without
knowing 1t, perhaps, lies that
will weight, at a ruff estimate, at
least a pound apiece. But my
objekt in these fu preliminus re.
marks IL tew git good chance to
tell what l know about "Jersey
lightning" Zone ov alcOhops
imps!) as a manufacturing" land
metaphysical agent.
Jersey lightning IL cider brandy,
three hours old, still. born, and
quicker than a fash. This juice
IL drunk raw by all the old sports,
and makes a premonitory and
Kissing noise as it winds down the
thrut, like an old she goose setting
on eggs, or q hot iron stuck into
ice water. Three hours a day ov
this lickker will tan a mans inte
rior in six months, so that he can
swallow a live, six.footed krab
five fust, and not waste a wink.
1t don't fat a man (cider brandy
don't) like whiskee duz, but puck
ers him up like q fried potatoze
If q man kan survive the fus
three years Of Jersey lightning III
IL safe then for the next Is year
to cum, and keeps looking every
day more like q three year old rec
pepper pod, hotter and hotter. Al
old cider brandy drinker will
steam, in a sudden shower Of rain
like q pile Of stable manure, anC
his breath smells like the bung
hole of q rum cask lately emptied
When Jersey lightning is fus
born it tastes like bileing turpen
f tine and cayene, half-and-half, an,
, will raise a blood blister on a pal
ov old kowhide brogans in 1
! minutes, and applied external,
will cure the rheumatism or xii
the patient, l forget which. TIL
fust horn q man takes of this lick
er will make him think he ha
swallowed a gas light, and he vii
90 behind the barn and try tew di
! but kant. The eyes ov an old CT
, derbrandyist look like deep gash
es kut into q ripe tomato, his noz
i is the complexshun of a halE-bile
! lobster, and the gizzle in his gu
let sticks out like an elbow in
tin leader.
The more villinous the drink th
more inveterate are those VIII
: drink it. l kant tell yer whethC
: cider.brandy will shorten an ol
suckers days or not, for they ger
orally outlive all the rest of th
nabors, and die just as soon as th
old tavern stand changes hant
and IL opened on temperenC
principles, One bottle of sass
i parilla or ginger popp IL az fat
y to these fellers az a rifle ball IL
y a bed hugg.
i l would do almost ennythir
|. but murder to save a young mt
|. from Jersey lightning, but trieir
/. tew save an old one IL like trieir
y tew put the fire out Of q holl
y log; you might az well let it bul
Il up, for the ashes is worth mo
J? than the logg.-[New YOl
TXT.,t-l,,