The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1870-07-07
wIT-INsPIRATTONs 0F THE "Two-
YEAR OLDS."
BY MARK TWAIN.

pertinent ana OlSaSreeaUio flasniOH
now days of saying smart" things
on most occasions that offer. and es-
pecially ON occasions when they ought
not to be saying anything at all.
Judging by the average published
specimens of smart sayings, the rising
generation of children are little better
than idiots. And the parents must |
surely be but little better than the |
children, for in most cases they are |
the publishers of the sunbursts of in |
fantile imbecility which dazzle us
from the pages of our periodicals. |
may seem to speak with some heat,
not to say a. suspicion OF personal
spite: and 1 do admit that it nettles
me to hear about so many gifted in
fants in these days, and remember
that seldom said anything smart
when was child. / tried it once
or twice, but it was not popular. The
family were not expecting brilliant
remarks from ME, and they snubbed
me sometimes and spanked me the
rest. But it makes my flesh creep
and my blood run cold to think what
might have happened to me if 1 had
dared to utter some of the smart
things of this generations " four-year
olds" where my father could hear me.
To have simply skinned me alive, and
considered hisduty at an end would
have seemed to him criminal leniency
toward one SO SHINING. He was
stern, unsmiling man, and hated forms
of precocity. If had said some of
the things 1 have referred to, and said
them in his hearing, he would have
destroyed me. He would, indeed,
Heiwould, provided the opportunity
remained with him. But it would
not, for would have had judgement
enough to- take strycnine first and say
my smart things afterward. The fair
record Of my life has been tarnished
by jastione pun. My father overheard
that, and he hunted me over four or
five townships, seeking to take my
life. i'll had been full-grown, of
course he would have been right; but,
child as was, could not know how
wicked thing had done.
made one of those remarks ordi-
narily called "smart things" before
that, butlit wasnot a pun. Still, it
came near causing a serious rupture
between my father and myself. My
father and mother, my uncle Ephriam
and his wife and one or two others
were present, and the conversation
turned on name for me. Twas lying
there, trying some India rubber rings
Of various patterns, and endeavoring
to make selection, for was tired of
trying to cut my teeth on peoples fin
gers, aud wanted to get hold of some
thing that would enable me to hurry
sai the things through and get at some
thing else. Did you ever notice what
a nuisance it was cutting your teeth
on your nurses finger, or how back
breaking and tiresome it was trying
to cut them on your big toe. And
did you never get out of patience, and
wish your teeth were in Jericho long
before you got them half cut2 To me
it seemed as if these things happened
yesterday. And they did, to some
children. But I digress. I was lying
there trying the India rubber rings.
remember looking at the clock, and
noticing that in an hour and twenty
minutes would be two weeks old
and thinking to myself how little ]
had done to merit the blessings tina
were SO unsparingly lavished upol
me. My father said:
Abraham is a good name. N,
:, grandfather was named Abraham"
e My mother said:
Abraham is good name. Yer,
well. Let us have Abraham for on,
of his Names"
/ said:
abraham suits the subscriber"
My father frowned, my mothe
looked pleased my aunt said:
What little darling it isl"
My father said;
( Z. o. ,,.. +. 9. Isaac is good name, and Jaco
isa good name."
My mother said:
"No names are better. Let us ad,
Isaac and Jacob to his Names.
I said:
"All right. Isaac and, Jacob ar
good enough for yours truly. Pas
me that rattle if you please. I can
chew India rubber rings all day."
s,s.5. Not a soul mads memoranda Q
E (. these sayings of mine, for publication
I saw that and did it myself, else the
would have been utterly lost. So ia
from meeting with a generous encoul
agement like other children when ds
veloping Intellectually, was no,
furiohsly scowled upon by my father
my mother looked grieved and an1
'ious, and even my aunt had about he
an expression of seeming to thin
that maybe had gone too far. / too
avicious bite out of an India rubbe
~ ring, and covertly broke the rattl
over the kittens head, but said moth
vi ing. Presently my father said :o.5.
"Samnel is very excellent name
''5ii saw that trouble was coming. NJ
~ thing could prevent it. I laid dow
my rattle; over the side of the Grad
Idropped my uncle's silver watcl
4, the clothes brush, the toy dog, my ii
soldier, the nutmeg crater and oths
matters which was accustomed 1
examine, and mediate upon and mak