The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-09-30
HUMORS OF THE DAY.
"A balw)l room-The nursery.,fr
"A tight place-A barlroorn. -


HUMORS OF the DAY.
, "A ba(w)l room-The nursery.,t1
A tight place-A barlroorn. -
A green grocer-One who trusts.
A mantle shelf-A lady's shoulders.
The lest "Church Service Mat
rimony.
Carpets are bought By the yard and
worn by the foot.
,Dyeing for, love-Coloring your
mustache to please a woman.
The most difficult thing to remem-
berthe poor.
A small thing to kcep-The right
side of some people.
There's one thing which can always
be found, and that's fault ! r.,
They say that dentists never get
rich. We admit there are many poor
ones: ftiTt
When Adam and Eve partook of
the tree of knowledge did tie study
the higher branches? i'"i/1
A dandy at hotel table who want
ed the milk passed to him, thus asked
fer it: "Please send your COW this
,way.r To whom. the .landlady gre
torted as follows: Waiter, take'the
cow down to where the calf is blat-
ing" reg - ss ''y'' as
"How are you, Smith !? said Jones.
Smith pretends not TO know him, and
answers hesitating'y:
"Sir, you have the advantage OF
me-" :,
Eyes, l suppose so; every ybsdy
has that's got common sense.V -
"Young man are you mot aware
that tobacco is slow poison" Young
man putting at ibis. cigar :. Iess sir,
thesl owest poison ever known"
A graveyard inscription in Kehne,
beck, Me-, reads thus: "Poor Joe
his HEAD Is letelnow, : if it never vas
BEFORE" ~ s-f.l #.
A down-East clergyman once said
that he wrote a sermon in a day, and
thought nothing of it. His people
held the same opinion.
"Solaced in durance vile by the IA.
dent smiles of connubial love-
Translation-His wife went TO see
him in JAIL, where he was sent fol-
stealing.
A Richmond jenkins is about TO com.
nit suicide because demnition prin'
ter put an oh " into the "black skirt
of White Sulphur belle.
a drunken man, after triping il
vain to keep on the sidewalk, wa;
heard to exclaim: There, now. go il
the street if you want to. -,
Don't trouble yourself to stretch
your mouth any wider" said dentis
to his patient; Il intend tostand out
side TO draw your tooth"
A Western man cut histhroat with
case knife, from jealously, and hi:
wife re-irarriedt the next daY' MI
If you looked in bottle, and found
it contained nothing, what seven LET
ters would you make use of in order
to express yourself.
o, /, c, U, II, NJ, L. .-...s-
A shrewd old gentleman once said
to his daughter, Be sure, my dear
YOU never marry a poor man. But
remember, that the poorest man i'll the
world is one that has money and
nothing else."i = III lr-E'G
An old Baptist minister enforced
the necessity of difference of opinion
hy this argument: "Now if every
bod, had been of my opinion they
would all have wanted my old wo.
man. One of the dcacons who sat
inst behind him responded: " Yes,
and if everybody was Of my opinion
nobody would have her."
WHY'S it husband, that whenever
we send for pound of tea or coffee
to the grocery man it falls several
ounces short ?Ti oh, its just weigh
he has,"
Among the sharp sayings of Geo.
ID. Prentice, published in a recent
volume, are the following;
About the only person that we
ever heard of that wasn't spoiled by
being lionized wasa jew named Dan
iel."
Whatever Midas touched was
turned into gold. In these days touch
a man with gold and he'll turn into
anything" r.rs.' Boz 8. r.-. .,,.f
"a Newborn paper says that Mrs.
Alice Day, of that city, was lately
delivered of four sturdy boys. We
know not what a day may bring
forth" .1tf- f..@.'f' q. >
AN ERRoR.-Mr. Pilkinson, farni-
err i'm PENNSYLVANIA, was drafted for
The service of his country. His wife,
though She possessed but small
stock of general formation, is one of
the best conjugal partners, and she
was much troubled at the thought 81
parting with her husband. As she
was engaged scrubbing off her door,
steps, a rongh looking stranger reame
up and thus addressed her:
81 hear, madam,, that your husband
has been drafted" fa5lgGeg
"Yes, sir, he has," answered Mrs
Pilkinson, Though, dear knows
there's few couldn't better be spared
from their families $50,
in~ Well, madam, 1 have come to offer
myself as q substitute for him." -
"a what ?" asked Mrs. PilkiRson
with some excitement.
Il am willing to- take his place,
said the stranger. erfs f....--., --.s-
"You take the place of my lus,
band, you wretch. I'll teach you to
insult distressed woman in that way
you vagabond," cried Mrs. Pilkinson
as she discharged the dirty soap sud;
i'm the face of The discounted and as
tonished substitute, who took to hi:
heels Just in time to save his head
being broken by the bucket, me