The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-06-24

| The man will drive me Desperate
Yet I may laugh too-n those may
laugh who win. My petty cash shows
q better balance than ever knew be-
fore. have discovered that it actual
ly costs less to support man and wife
than to maintain q bachelor. So John
Smith may think he has his joke; but
the best Of the joke is mine. Ye., oh,
Bessie, Bessie! If you only knew me
rs / am, without the varnish with
which that brother of yours has cover
ed me, l am sure you would like me
ali the better. ID
III.-FROM JOHN SMITHS STANDPOINT.
William Jones was a tip-top fellow
before he married my sister Bessie (;
and now he has settled down, in a
months time, into such hum-drum
family man, that he is not worth con-
Tossing as an acquaintance, much less
claiming as a friend. am surprised
that any man, with Jones' experience,
could be SO conquered and reduced to
penal servitude. For his condition is
no better. He is suffering the pains
and penalties of matrimOny. No long
er can he promptly answer whether he
can make an appointment, or keep
one. Perhaps Gin the wife's name
there is a tower of strength" but 1
can't perceive how ringing belle can
give her so much advantage. Perhaps
she gives out more certain sound
Yet I fancied I knew all the weapons
in her armory, and could resist them
| all.
Tears? Don't 1 know all about
them? When she pretended that was
in the highroad to destruction, haven't
left her, many a morning, like NiObe; /;
and found her all right and smiling
when came home to dinner; all rea-
dy to do anything, or to go anywhere
that I might suggest; and only too
happy to be asked?
ExpOstulations Have 1 not heard
them on all subjects; boots, hats, gloves,
coats, and especially cigars the thea
tire, the opera, the billiard room, and es-
pecially base ball
Threats? Has she not declared,
many time and oft, that she would
tell "mamma And when did she
do it, pray? What escapade of mine
has she not covered over, for fear mo-
ther would detest me? And her huS-
band, the milk-sOp, has no mother to
fear, not even a mOther-in-law. For
our maternal relative chooses to keep
her own house, and me in it. honor
her wisdom and reciprocate her affec-
ton
Seedlings? And what of seedlings
If sister had not scOlded should have
feared that she had Outlived her affec-
ton, and took no more interest in me.
nd vxyhof if xx,o,r1A OF nv, ord xroit
for me every night? I told her there
pure affection, or pure Obstinacy, or
she chose to sit in the parlor till I came
in, and intercept me in the hall, what
matter? 1t was cheerful to find some
body waiting up for you. I could ro-
nance enormously about my pleasant
and profitable evening with William
Jones, ESQ.,; though, sooth to say, it
was not always that had spent the
hours with him. Once I came near
tripping. Just as I was inventing
something which Jones had said to me,
and something which I had said to
Jones, happened to discover that he
had spent the evening with my sister.
1t was convenient, moreover, to have
Bessie to wait up for me. She could
assist me at breakfast in correcting my
mothers misapprehensions in regard to
the time of my coming home. My
dear-mother's notions about clocks and
hours were always exceedingly vague
and unreasonable, after she had once
herself retired TO rest.
Temper? Well, yes, Bessie certainly
has some spirit, and there's the fun of
it! And poor Jones, in and out of the
house every day for years, never sus-
pected il! Don't remember when he
stepped upon her skirt, and tore the
dress "half out OF the gathers" as he
was taking his leave one evening?
It's of no consequence whatever,
Mr.. JONES'" she declared with the
blandest smile and the sweetest voice.
But 1 saw the lurking
her eye. When l came back from
showing poor Will out, didn't hear a
squall, aye, and see one too? Indeed,
might have felt it besides, if had not
retired in prompt time and in good Or
der. But when Jones retires his wife
retires with him. He cannot escape
when an evening breeze sets in. l
think the worst plaques of Egypt were
the frogs, because they came up into
the chambers.
And so, the next time we met, he
magnified to me Bessie's exceeding
good sense, and her sweet temper, her
charming innocence, and entire free
dom from fault-finding or suspicious
temper. Was I to undeceive him? I
could not. 1 did not 1only ventured
the suggestion that Bessie was pretty
tiff1n Gin, r,Infny, II onrr1I nf or, nd
let him into the secret that she was a
forty-woman power in watching, in de-
tecting, in caressing, in scolding, in be-
seeching, in entreating.
He told me that he was going to mar
ry her. 1t took my breath away. 1
could only say My dear fellow" and
clasp his hand in the most fraternal
manner. And they were married.
And 1 gave away the bride, with the
pleasant vision of happy home before
me, whatever he might encounter. l
could see Bessie as often as convenient,
and love my dear sister more than
ever. She would no more terrify me
with her superhuman sharpness. No
more would her face, like a chimera
dire, peep out of my midnight oyster,
roasted in the shell. Yhe bubbles i'm
the champagne would no more expand
into the threatening sparkle Of her eye.
I could henceforth sing 81 won't go
home till morning !" and do even as 1
sang. ;
On the whole, suspect that 1 rather
promoted than retarded that wedding.
Indeed, / more than suspect. knOaU.
1t is such a good joke! My mother
thinks that If there is a perfect man
alive it is Jones. I was his advocate.
He was my shield. Indeed, he is still,
poor unconscious spo0ney! My moth
er thinks that they keep dreadful hours
at her new son Williams house; and
thus accounts for my late-or rather
early returns. She does not suspect
that am not there once in week.
l don't know whether / quite con-
WINGED Bessie of Jones' immaculate
character or not. But il she does think
that she has secured man not only
entirely superior to her reckless and
extravagant brother, but to the human
race in general, think revelation
awaits her. If she can appreciate cap
ital fun, and has a manly comprehen-
sion of an excellent joke, she will be
amused for twelve-month; and have,
besides, as good a rod for her dear hus-
band as she used to swing over her dear
brother.
have actually obtained "wifey's" 1"
permission to take hubby" out for an
evening, and without her, toO-the
pair of fond noodles /! And he, without
fear of consequences, has agreed to go
We fellows are to have a right royal