The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1870-02-12
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From the Balo. Sunday Telegram
RdmbLeS APOuRd TOlUH.
BY MUGGINs

BY MUGGINS
The arrival o. Prince Arthur in Baltimore was
duly communicated TO the Muggins family, and
through respect for the man of the noble youth
we met him at the depot and took him under our
especial care We had no desire to be selfish
with the scion of royal bleed but his maternal
was afraid to trust her precious wei in the hands
OF officials, aldermen and the dignitaries of
American cities, she judiciously consigned
him to our keeping, and sent him over, labeled
handle with care Besides, the boy carries a
considerable mount of jewelry on his person
The meeting of Arth and OurSelf as the repre-
stnIatives OF great families, was OF deeply in :
Ie national and affecting character, and caused
several hackmen and baggage-smashers to in
Voluntarily cover their eyes with handwerchieis.
Those who hadn't the article substituted their
coal sleeves. The scene was calculated to move
a railroad car. Be 1t known that Arih and we
are trans Atlantic cousins, and had not seen each
other since the day of our birth, during which
slime we had been separated by the three thousand
rnes OF wet that interveneS between our respec-
tive districts. Consequently our relationship is
very immense. Embracing each other by the
hand. we couversed in silence, aud nothing but
Arth' aud 'Muggie were audible TO the linten-
ing crowd
We then made survey of Artb, for the bene-
fit of that portion Of this benighted race known
as 'sufferin women, and discovered that be
looked like other men, used neither paint nor
powd'r, did net sport false calves or any OF the
mechanical cOntrivances of modern fashion. He
vas ncaSed in a coat and pants made in the
ordinary manner, and stands about eighteen
haRds high, mule measurement. Smokes in the
usual way, parts his hair in the centre, and spits
between bis teeth in AN accomplished manner.
Ties his scarf in front, performs on a cane, but
dispenses with bilIies, slung-shots and other
Congressional attributes. Murders Hs and chews
As affects kid gloves and tolerates side whiskers.
Fighring-weight, l35 lbs Religious belief
blondes and draw poker.
Examined bis teeth for the purpose Of discov-
.erius his age and found them to be composed of
dwO rows of English ivory extending from ear
du ear, on both sides Of his royal mouth. He
takes his tech out, as modern ladies do,
R,ut sleeps with them in, without any incon-
9enience. Suppose his age to be somewhere
between niue and forty years, according TO the
latest London almanac.
We are definite in giving these points, for the
especial information of his numerous lady ad-
mirers in this burg
Arib was accompanied by several footmen and
lackeys, who performed such duties as polishing
boots, dusting wardrobe, picking his royal teeth,
&c, and were bedecked and digniied with the
titles of count and no-accOunt and prime and
stale ministers Ito bis lordship's comfort and
varied their attentions alternately between Arth
and the toadyists who crowded around US. Arth
told me. that his brother A IT, visited this coc 1t-y
some years since, and that when he returned ic
Great Britain he was so abbreviated and dis
figured by the attentions paid him by the crazy
geople of both sexes, that his noble ma could
hardly recognize him, and to avoid the possibili-
iy of another boy being treated in the same man
uer, she sent these attendants on his trip across
;lhe wet, not caring bow often they were
.caressed
Arth is the guest of the Muggins family, to
whom be pays his board and he requests US to
say that all young ladies who wish to experience
the sensation produced by the contact OF the
mOusache of prince with the cheek, or those
@ho desire to cut button of the clothes of roy
s,iiiy in other words, who delight to go crazy
over everything foreign, will be accommodated
by his servants, whom be has generously
brought over for their amusement.
The pebeiaus surrounding US must have heard
these remarks, as they Immediately went for the
servants, %hO were hugged, toasted, dei6ed and
interviewed by the representatives of this great
citv mnchly 10 the edi6cation ofthe livery-draped
heroes, who thought meuagerie had burst loose,
and all the monkeys, apes and other animals
were licking their hands in acknowledgement of
their overcomeisbness at meeting old relatives.
Pointing to his servants and their worshippers,
AFth said, Muggins, are those weally circusF
NAY, we replied, those are only Shoddyites.'
What are they asked Arth +; people don't
tweat fayeigners so in Hingland.'
ventured another 'nay,' and informed the
boy that the representatives of the United States
were affected by the changes of the moon, and
only went crazy periodically, during which time
they would take the horses out of carriages and
pull foreigners through the streets, thus showing
what n great and mulish people we were.
Awe ah = exclaimed Arth, when brother
Al came home be ad to get wig, as the girls
ad cut all his pretty locks off. Some of them
ah-'ad cut pieces out of his coat-ah =
We assured him that while under our protec-
ton no such fate should overtake him. Wethen
started up town, and the youth of noble bleed
resumed conversation.
How is Parliament coming on, Cousin Arth p
said We, becoming affectionate.
well, 'Parr was unkey dori when card
from it last
Have they acted on the Fifteenth Amendment
COZ p said we, in a patriotic strain.
NAY, we adnt card from that deestrict when
! came over
Seeing cur royal relative was not posted in
III ,tters of State, we changed the subject
Is Dickens personal friend of yours :? said
We.
Ave said Arlh.
as he writing .anoiher edition OF American
notes, Artb 2
.Yaas, hand then be e'sucoming over the wet to
bapoIogize to the Hamerscaners for abusing them,
and then be will wead some OF his funny stowies
to YOU and return to Hiugland and laugh again.
II paws i'm VERY we'll. That's the weason gold
is so skace in Hamerica Chawlesi is sharp.
Exactly Bully for Chawles 7 feeling pain
in our national pride. Les talk about something
Rise, coz
Just then We arrived at the Baltimore Street
al al l,0l odH 90
Arth asked.
What's those building, Muggins 2
Those are an Opera House.
Han Hopera Ouse = said our verdant relative,
who emphasized his surprise by punching US in
the rib.
Yea said we, those are monument OfBalti-
more enterprise, and are patronized by the elite
aud fashion of this great city. Within this
gorgeous temple you can see the greatest show
in the world for ten cents. Fifteen star troupes
combined in one.
'Weally = replied Arth, who at this moment
was seized with a 6t Of laughter, during which
he inhaled puff Of wind that arose from the
Falls, affecting his system to such extent that
An attendant had to run forward, seize hand
kerehief, saturate it with cologne, and attach ii
TO the royal smeller to prevent dire results The
youth revived.
What are those |? said Arth.
Those are Jones Falls, replied US.
How many Of them are this one
Yea, said we.
'Did the Falls 'urt Mr.. Jones much |? enquired
the ambitious boy.
Nay, not yet, replied US.
Tue sudden appearance of juvenile member
of the Maryland Militia, suffering gallantly un-
der a sixteen pound musket caused the Prince
to start, and the sight of the warrior aroused SO
much fear within him that he begged to be car
ried to our domicile. We informed him that the
'soger' wouldn't bite, but with no avail. Arth
swore that be smelled powder and birthstone
(ihe aromatic fumes from the Falls had affected
his braic, and we were compelled to remove
him to place of safety After royal snooze
of about two hours, we disguised our 'eouz' and
sent him to Washington by special train. On
arriving there be was met by the Senate COM
mittee, who insisted on him swallowing the