The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-10-21
HUMORS OF fHE BAT.
Isical jewelry-Oh)oral.

D1usiSdi jew
Bill of the period-the mosquitoes.
A bird ON the roast if worth two5on
the roost.
Meats are high, but cows low
when they are hungry. :
When is water most liable to es-
cape? When it is only half tide.
When q hen has the toothache, she
always expects q chicken will come to
pahet. :
Cattle are dumb beasts, but by get
ting together In lsrec numbers they
make themselves herd.
Little. fish hare .azproper idea of
business. Not being able to do bet
ter, they start on a small scale.
"What il home without a mother p.
as the young girl said when she sent
the old lady to chop wood.
Experimental philosophy Trying
to bNrrpw an umbrella Moral phil.
osophy: Refusing to lend it.
1t is said that the frogs in New
York State have worn the skin off
their noses in roofing for water. ?
Why a a drum be neither a Re-
lpukican MOI > DEMOCRAT Z. Because
tit.sboknd to SetibeAt 6R both sides.
Jenkins says he only cats once a
day; still he has three meals, rye
meal, Indian meal, and mealy pota-
toes.
Horses obey the scriptural %injunc-
ton to . certain extent. Their COM
munications are always neigh, neigh.
II is reported that, the fall fashion
for ladies' hats will be funnel.shaped
arrangement, withJthc small end be-
hind. sja q: G45as -.ttJ h % :,
One man reprimanding another,
said that he talked like q fool. true
he replied, but it is that you may
understand me-" -
An experienced old gentleman says
that all that is necessary in the enjoy
ment Of love or sausages is confidence
I"Waiter, this bit of turbet is not as
good as thatyou gave us last week.
Waiter-1Beg pardon, sir; it's of the
very same fish,
INvocalists are suficiently JEALOUS OF
each other, but as for brass bands they
never have an engagement without
they come to blows, and the drum.
mer, strange to say, always beats.
Sir" said q landlady to a boarder
who had sent his cup forward for the
seventh time, Hyou must be very foisd
of coffee ~ Eyes, madame, / am," he
replied, " or I never should have drank
so much water to get a little"
To Cure Dyspepsia--Clos all the
outer doors Of q four story house,
open the inner doors and then take a
long switch and chase a cat up and
down stairs till she sweats. III (.
allow does that look? 2" said old
Mr.. Smith, holding out his big hand.
"That,' said Mr.. Jones, CLOCKS as II
you were out of soap"
Texas has a new game OF cards.
One holds q revolver, the other holds
the cards. A coroner holds the in
quest. We. are not told who holds
he stakes, but can easily guess.
In Iowa, a mercbant sent dunning
letter to q man, who replied by re.
turn mail: "Yon say you sre holding
my note yet. That is all right-per-
fectly right. Just keep holding on to
il, and II you find your hands slip
ping, spit on them and try it again.
Yours affectionately."
A man in New Hampshire has a
pair of boots that were made for him
when he was married-thirty years
ago. He has only used them for we'd
ding boots since; but he has lost Sd
many wives, and welded so much,
that they arc badly worn. He says
they can't stand more than three more
weddings, nor he either.
Anew Jersey hotel keeper heard
thafFp6uoWs Eould hin mosQuitoes
so he went to New York and stole a
couple out of Union Square, and turn.
cd them loose In his house, the guests
having complained Of mosquitoes.
The next morning, all he could find OF
tlieAsparrows was Dsne feathers and q
few bones. The mosquitoes had hun
ted the sparrows. .s
An Irishman who had just landed
went to see his sister, who was mar
ried to q Yankee. The couple lived
very happy in Chicago, and when Pat
came, the gentleman took him over to
his place to show it to him. Pat, al
the evidence of his prosperity, said to
Ibis brother-ia-law. Il
"Begarra, You arc. very happy here
with this fine property to look on
! my sister had good luck entirely, q
che had, in getting sen for Q husban.,
"Ah, ycs,r Responded the married
man, ~we would be very happy bu,
for one thing"
aAh, Pat continued the gentle
t man, " am sorry to say that we have
: no children" T.
f "No childe:nf" exclaimed Pat
"thin, Bcgarra, it's not my sister Mag
gie's fault, for she had two before sht
left Ireland, and that Is the rayson m!
father sent her to AmeriEy,