The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1870-03-10
Wit and Hat7nOT.

fCC u1tGC LIfI1ftOI's
The indians favor the importation of Chi
nese. They want those long pig tail scalps.
A negro baby, with ten fingers on each
hand has been born at Louisville. Bad news
for chickens.
A girl eloped last October from an Ohio
town, with an itinerant doctor, who last week
sent her home in a coffin.
An editor of an Ohio weekly, after brief
absence, says "Wcll reader. we are again
upon our own dung hill"
The Elmira Advertiser in the last number
says; Local editor is sick /; literary editor
married; news editor asleep; boss editor bus,
ted"
Punch's Gle smolc CHASTITY smile,' and
"Mauy wink he wunk" have been initiated
by minstrel wit who said You sneezed
snooze and said l snoozed it,"
A country paper says that the other day
AN Irishman was called up in a case of assault
and battery, and when asked by the magis
trate what he said, remarked, Il said to him
wild de toe of my boot, Go home p"
An Indiana young lady, attending pri-
vate party excused herself when asked to
sing, saying "You must excuse me, for new
er attempt to sing except to MARBLE few
wild notes for pa at eventide."
The attachment of some ladies to their lap
dogs amounts in some instances to nfatuation
An illtempered lap dog, biting piece out of
male visitors leg, his mistress thus express
sed her compassion: "Poor little dear crea-
ture hope it wont make him sick !"
Gentlemen ofthe jury said Western
LAWYER u don't moan ia ine;nnatA- thet this
man is covetous person but [ will bet FIVE
to one that if you should bait a steel trap
with new three cent piece, and place it
within six inches of his mouth you would
catch his SOUL
'Biddy,' said lady to her servant, 4 wish
you would step over and see how old Mrs.
Jones is this morning. In few moments
Biddy returned with the information that
Mrs. Jones was just seventy two years seven
months and two days DID, s..
An old gentleman of eighty four, having
taken to the altar damsel of about sixteen,
the clergyman said to him. ''The font is at
the other erd of the church," "What do |
want with the font 2" said the old gentleman.
"Oh! I beg your pardon" said tho clerical
wit, thought you had brought this child
here to be christened"
Joseph A. Carpenter, who died at South
Pass, H., recently, left one thousand dollars
to establish public fountain in town. sswhere
all may Stake their thirst" thus removing
one very prevalent excuse for frequenting sa
looms" Unless this fountain is made to
spout whisky, twill not remove that very
prevalent excuse an inch within the next ten
years.
WHOSE Doors ARE THEY "A very del.
icately written note was picked up in the
street by gentleman, and handed US for IN
sertion for the benefit Of the owner of a miss
ing pair of boots Said note read as follows
DEAREST j. Your boots are inside of
the garden fence, at the southeast corner, GOV.
cred with piece of old carpet. Don't come
any more, for Heavens sake. The old man
swcars he'll blow the top of your head off -
Your affectionate H."
Under the circumstances we would advise
dearest j. to let the boots rip.-4lbaur
(Ind.) Journal.
s5t5l sg4ta Is. ift tel' t.Ata A
JOSH Billings AS A PnrLosopHER.-
There seems to be four styles of mind:
LIST, them who know its 80
I'd, them who know it an't SO.
Sd, them who split the difference and guess
at it
4th, them who don't care which way it is |
There is but few men who hez character
enuff to lead life of idleness
True love is spelt the same in Choctaw as
in English
Those who retire from the world on account
of its sins and peskiness must forget that they
have yet to keep company with person who
wants just as much watching as anybody else.
A puppy plays with every puppy he meets,
but old dogs have but few associates.
1t costs great deal to be wise but don't
cost anything to be happy.