Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1870-04-03

4
least did. And we laughed, and laugh.
| ed, and laughed-at least he did. Blu
all the time, | had my presence of mird
| about mel had my native shrewdnes,
turned on, ''full head as the engineer,
| say. was determined to find out al
about his business, in spite of his obscure
answers-and | was determined | would
have it out of him without his suspecting
what | was at meant to trap him with
deep, deep ruse. l would tell him all
about my own business, and he would
naturally so warm to me during this Sc
ductive burst of confidence that he would
forget himself and tell me all about his
affairs before he suspected what | was
about. thought to myself, my SOD, you
little know what an old fox you are deal
ing with. said:
'ENOW you never would guess what l
made lecturing, this winter and last
springl"
''No-don't believe l could, to save
me. Let me see. About two thousand
dollars maybe? But no-nc, sir, know
you couldn't have made that much. Say
seventeen hundred, maybel"
"Ha-hal l knew you couldn't My
lecturing receipts for last spring and this
winter were fourteen thousand, seven
hundred and fifty dollars-what do you
think of that 2"
"Whyit is amazing perfectly amazing.
will make note of it. And you say
even this wasn't all? 2"
CAMP Why bless you there was my
income from the Buffalo Express for
four months-about- about-well, what
should you say to about eight thousand
dollars, for instance 2"
'1Sayi Why should like to see my
self.rolling in just such another ocean of
affluence. Eight thousand I'll make a
note of it. Why, mainland on top Of
all this am to understand that you had
still more income?"
'Ha-ha-ha! Why, you're only in the
suburbs of it, so to speak. There's my
book, ''The Innocents Abroad"-price
S. 80 to S. 90, according to the bind
ing. Listen to me. Look me in the
eye. During the last four months and a
half, saying nothing of the sales before
that-but just simply during the four
months and halfending March 10, 1870,
we've sold ninety five Thousand copies of
that book Ninety-five thousand Think
of it. Average four dollars a copy, say.
It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars,
my son. l get half
"The suffering Moses I'll set that
down. Observation-Disclosures
hundred. Total, say-well, upon my
word, the grand total is about two hun
dred and thirteen or fourteen thousand
dollars. Is that pOssiblel"
possible If there's any mistake it's
the other way. Two hundred and four
teen thousand, cash, is my income for this
year, if / know how to cypher."
Then the gentleman got up to go. 1t
came over me most uncomfOrtably that
maybe l had made my revelations for
nothing, besides being fiattered into
stretching them considerably by the stran-
gers astonished EXPLANATIONS. But no;
at the last moment the gentleman handed
me large envelope and said it contained
his advertisement, and that | would find
out all about his business in it, and that
he would be happy to have my custom
would in fact be proud to have the Gus
tom of man of such prOdigious income,
and that he used TO think there were sew
eral wealthy men in Buffalo, but when
they come to trade with him he discoy-
cred that they barely had enough to live
on, and that in truth it had been such
weary, weary age since he had seen a rich
man face to face, and talked with him,
and touched him with his hands, that he
could hardly refrain from embracing me
in fact would esteem it great favor If
| would let him embrace me.
This so pleased me that | did not try to
resist, but allowed this simple hearted
stranger to throw his arms about me and
weep a few tranquillizing tears down the
back of my neck. Then he went his
way.
As soon as he was gone, l opened his
advertisement. | studied it attentively
for four minutes. | then called up the
cook and said:
"Hold me while l faint. Let Maria
turn the batter cakes"
Bye and bye, when / came to, l sent
down to the rum mill on the corner and
hired an artist by the week to sit up
nights and curse that stranger, and give
me lift occasionally in the day time
when l came to hard place
All, what o miscreant be was His
advertisement" was nothing in the world
but wicked tax return-a string of i'm
pertinent questions about my private
affairs occupying the best part of four
foolscap pages of fine print-questiOns, l
may remark, gotten up with such marvel
Gus ingenuity that the Oldest man in the
world couldn't understand what the most
of them were driving ACQUISITIONS, too,
that were calculated to make man report
about four times his actual income to
keep from swearing to a lie. Hooked for
loop-hole, but there did not appear TO
be any. Inquiry No. l covered my case,
as generously and as amply as an umbrella
could cover an ant hill:
"What were your profits, in 1869, from
any trade, business or vocation, wherever
carried On!"
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen others of an equally searching
nature, the most modest of hichrequired
information as to whether / had committed
any burglary or highway robbery, or by
any arson or other secret source of emolu-
ment had acquired property which was
not enumerated in my statement of income
as set opposite to inquiry No. l.
1t was plain that that stranger had en-
abled me to make an ass of myself. 1t
was very, very plain, and l went out and
hired another artist By working on my
vanity the stranger had seduced me into
declaring anincomeof $214, 900. BY law,
81, 900 Of this was exempt from income
tax-the only relief of | could see, and
it was only drop in the ocean. AT the
legal five per cent. must pay over to the
Government the appalling sum of ten
thousand six hundred and fifty dollars, in
come tax.
RI may remark, in this place, that did
not do it.
l am acquainted with a very opulent
man, whose house is palace, whose table
is regal, whose OUTLAWS are enormous, yet
a man who has no income, as have
often noticed, by the revenue returns