Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1870-12-22
Mark Twain's Report Of the Pro.
ceedings Of the Farmers Club.

CONSTABLE QUINN desired the club
to inform him how to make hogs root.
Dr. Slow had been practical farmer for
the last six weeks, and in all the varied
agricultural experience no such article as
hOg's-root had ever come under his notice.
What was itg Was it edible? Was it
useful in any way? or was it, as he more
than suspected, another worthless humbug
devised s the sharpers to detraud us
practical hrmers? He knew not whether
it was prpagatei by seeds, or by cuttings,
but he would advise Mr. Quinn to be shy
of hog's-r,ot, especially If it was a new
tangled orhigh- priced tuber.
Mr. Moier, the agricultural writer, ex-
planned the anatomy of the hogs proboscis.
1t is designed for subterranean ioraging,
by process vulgarly called roofing, TO
which Mr. Quinn's inquiry probably
referred. Being a delicate organ, it is
liable to injury. He would recommend
that Mr. Quinn wipe his hogs nose. If he
finds 1t red, he may be sure it is tender and
needs protection by metallic shield.
Some resort to the strategic device of in
sorting vie ring in the hogs nose, in
his efforts to remove which he would
naturally thrust his snout into the soil, and
LIluS TUOI uLW lLlHlSlys lhue ""' P'"y th5
it rather low on the hog, and the metallic
shield was preferable on the score OF fair
dealing and philanthropy.
Mr.. Greeley exhibited pumpkin OF his
own raising As it embodied his solitary
and crowning success, after several years
of discouraging failure in pumpkin cul-
ture, the club surrounded it with uncover
cd heads and min led ON etieEss Of
admiration and envy. II was superb
fruit, and when Mr. G.'s hat was placed on
IL, to illustrate its size and symmetry, the
hat and pumpkin seemed so perfectly
adapted to each other and together pro-
duced an effect so startling, that several en-
thusiastic members swore they would have
known who raised that pumpkin If they
had seen it anywhere. 1t is to be photo
graphed by Quincy, and next years 1rtd-
une subscribers will receive copies The
pumpkin was the fatterng product OF one
bushel Of seed planted on the farm in Cham
pagna. Soon after blossoming the vine
manifested an inclination to wither. 1t was
thereupon transplanted TO large flower.
pot and removed to the town residence OF
its founder. For some time it pinned and
dropped, and they sat up nights with 1t, ex-
pecting that every moment would be us
last, but every moment turned out not 10 be
it's last, and with careful nursing it finally
rallied and came up TO maturity, as cherish
ed and tough pumpkin as ever grew.
DR.. Sixhammers suggested that the re-
suit of Mr.. G.'s indomitablc struggle with
this pumpkin showed how every city fami-
ly could provide itself with pumpkin pie.
lie hoped to see the day when every win
dow-sill, in every city, would be adorned
with fructifying pumpkin pots, and every
workman's cottage EMPOWERED in pump
kin-vines.
Thomas Dodd, OF New Hampshire,
writes to the club that he is fifty years old,
intirm with consumption, has large fam
ily, ten dollars in money, and wants TO
know what TO do.
Mr.. Moker-Go out to Greeley Colony
and invest in our irrigating ditch.
Mr.. Layman-Buy Texas rancho or
Florida orange grove. -,
DR.. 6umble-His health requires light
farming in / bracing climate. Let him
start an indigo plantation in Alaska.
Mr.. Greeley-He mustn't come TO New
York. His &1O wouldn't last year; but
out West he can invest 1t and grow up
with the country. If had gone West
with go At his age ! Should be happy
man now, with two suits of respectable
garments, an Office, and conscience quit
less OF distracting tariff and farming es-
says. -.
his farm, thirty miles up The river, next