The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-04-12
II U M MoRoUS ITEM MS

make bread because 1t cleans her hands so
beautifully.
Deg~ Why is young man who never
lays a wager quite as bad as one who
does? Because he's no better.
Degr " Hurry, mamma" said little
innocent with his finger cut; :" hurry, it's
leaking"
Ban If mems faults were written on
their foreheads, broad-b -brimmed hats
would be fashionable.
DSs~ A crusty old bachelor says that
Adams wife was called Eve because
when she appeared mans day of happi-
ness was drawing to close.
D3" A German, being required to give
receipt in full, after much mental ef-
fort produced the following =" 1 ish full
| wants no more monish.
B@~ " BY their fruits ye shall know
them" as the farmer exclaimed when he
traced half his golden pippins to the
pockets Of truant schoolboy.
B@~ THERE'S fast" young man in
this town, who, it is said heats his shaving
water every morning by the fire of his
own genius.
Bsa3- GIVE risen from the bar to the
bench" That's what lawyer said on
quitting the profession and taking up
shoemaking.
EGS" A handsome girl in Utica went
crazy the other day because her parents
wouldn't let her marry a fellow seven
feet high and red headed
BGs' Cufee, is that the second bell Z"
"No, massa, dat's de second ringing OBJ
de fuss bell. We hadn't got no second bell
in dis hotel"
pS- " am, indeed, very much afraid
Of lightning" murmured pretty young
girl, during storm. "And well you
may be, sighed the despairing lover, 6 for
your heart is made of steel"
Gay~ " Vat vedder will it be to-day ?"
asked German of his neighbor. Veil
| don't know vot you tinkW 81 tlnk it
will be vedder as you tink." "Vell,
den | tnk so too"
R@" At Sunday school meeting out
West, a young lawyer made motion that
they " choose committee Of ladies and
gentlemen to raise children for the Sab
bath school"
BGS~ An auctioneer exclaimed Why
really, ladies' and gentlemen, l AMI giving
these things away" care your said
an old lady present; well, III thank you
for that silver pitcher you have in your
hand"
DGS" The individual who tried to clear
his conscience with an egg, is now en-.
deavoring to raise his spirit with yeast,
If he fails in this, it is his deliberate
intention to blow out his brains with a
bellows, and sink calmly into the arms
of young and handsome lady
D@~ SAKE gives the following advice to
the rising generation:
In going to parties just mind what you
| are at,
Beware of your head and take care of your
hat,
Lest you find that favorite son of youl
mother
Has an ache in the one and brick in the
other,
B65~ An old topper bet that he could
when blindfolded, tell each Of several
kinds of liquors. When brandy, whiskey
gin, and other drinks were presented tC
him, he pronounced correctly what the,
were. At length glass Of pure waite
was given to him he tasted it, paused
tasted again, considered, and shook his
head. At last said he gentlemen,
give it up" 1t tasted good but it is a
kind of liquor am not used to.
D&- We heard good story on Ger
tain slow railroad the other day. Or
this road the train was frequently de
layed by cattle upon the track. Thi
had happened several times, but finall.
the locomotive entered upon clear sailing
and for ten or fifteen miles the train rat
tied along at a lively jog. All Of sud
L ,