The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-09-02
Wit and HumOr.

A SMART thlng-A mustard plaster.
A STRONG defense -limburg cheese.
The hostile forces-balls and bones.
THE natural forces common sense.
The children's kingdom-Laplsnd.
THE last thing .out-the gas.-Jadg.
A BAND of hope-The wedding ring.
An offensive movs-the sheriff's SALE.
An exposed hank-the butchers sign.
AN orderly retreat-a boarding house.
A LIGHT employment -Candle-making.
BuRNpG woras-A dictionary in flames.
FRUITFUL disappointment-So Sour grapes.
McMAHoNs fault-an emperor's wand.
The non-combatants-h rangers,
A STUNNING charge-the haekman's fare.
NAPoLEoN's latest grief the loss of Man.
cy.
The Frenchmen's gsin-the emperor's
hopes. --
A TEXAS grocery has "Knew Syder Eur
Sail" -. ..-... =.
How to rise in the world-Ascend in a
balloon.
CLAP blister IN peet and it will make
him soar.
The French mems last defense-the
(muse) Meuse
A MAN who drinks drams seldom has
many scruples. -
A TAILow,cHANDIER is mnch given to
wicked works.
IT is so hot at Norfolk that rag-doIIs
perspire freely.
CURIoUs-Theseasons not only alternate,
but aiter-nater.
The Russian exhibition to our taste-A
Diner a Ia RuSSe.
How to increase the population Fee
the census-taker.
WHEN patient begins to feed more, the
doctor is iced less. -s
ONE entire Prussian corps scuds under
bare Poles to the field. 1850
TIE instrument that pricks the soul of
empire the needle gun.
TIE favorite romance of oface-seekers-
''Put yourself in his place"
A DRESS for the Organdi
muslin with huted fouRces. e.
A AMATcH1Ess melody-"Here you are, sir
the last two boxes tor penny"
DURpSG peace regiment is quartered
during war war time it is occasionally cut
to pieces. <....e
TIE iron has entered my soul-as the
fellow said who found nail in the bottom
of his boot
AT the ''theatre Of war" It is always the
relatives and freinds of the actors who sit
in tiers. N. o. Times.
AN Irish editor, speaking of the miseries
of Ireland, says "Her cup of misery has
been for ages overhowing, and is not yet
full" 9saa ~
A Hartford paper announces that there
is porter in one of the hotels in that city
who can read Holiness Had in the
Greek.
The French army may be said to be on
an army of fel lows; for tFWoerth makes
he man and wa Mt of it the fellow. Hart
ord COtTdnt. tz
The German forces are considered much
the strongest, as their rations consist
principally of Limburger cheese and
Bologna sausage.
The Vermont Watchman says that the
telegraph has raised lying to the dignity OF
an art, and invested it with the attribute
of infnity.
An old lady read about the strike Of the
wire drawers IN Worcester, Mass, and said
that Of all new-fangled things wire draw
ers must be the queerest.
TEXAS claims watermelon SO large that
q coroners jury sat inside of it to decide on
the melancholy fate of citizen who was
fond of that kind Of fruit.
WHEN death occurs from natural causes
in Tennessee, it is customary to append to
the Newspaper notice the words -s.Polities
had no agency in the difficulty"
THERE is an intelligent dog at Mud Pine,
Ind, that whenever company comes to the
house proceeds at once to catch chicken,
thing he will not do at any other time.
IT Is said that ladies who believe in the
internal use of arsenic as beautifier of
the complexion, obtain prescriptions from
their family physicians for Fowler's solu-
ton of arsenic, and so conceal the real OBJ
ject of taking the poison.
YoUNa GENTLEMAS-Ah Miss Cavendlsh
do you know they've had juvenile party
before the ball ? Miss @. Oh, then 1 sup
pose your mamma is letting You stop q lit
tie later this evening.
THE New Haven Register says: ''What
we know about gardening" viii be interest
ing. The senior has picked, this sea-
son, three cueumbers, two caulihowers,
seven years of corn and four tomatoes,
which cost him 81. 48 each"
A NEW JERSEY widow, finding her charms
fading, applied "magic balm" few
nights ago, and woke next morning to find
her hair all fallen of, and blotches as large
as ginger cookies all over her face. She
wants to interview the balm man.
In a recent number of the Christian
Union, Mrs. Henry Ward Beeeher writes in
favor of quitting clothes to soak" on Sun
day night as an innocent recreation not at
all inconsistent with the sacredness OF the
day.
THE vessel in which DR.. Kane made his
famous voyage to the North Pole now lies
at Bowen's wharf. Newport. She is owned
by Captain Hopkins, of that city, her
name having been changed to the United
States.
THE first baby in the town of New Chi
cago, Neosho county, Kansas, was born on
June "A, 1870. He is q son of Mr.. and
Mrs. Yosart. A deed for corner lot was
Immediately executed and delivered to the
youngster.
People in London are beginning to agi-
tate for the erection of houses In fats
This has already been done on palatial
scale at Westminster, and in less magni-
ficent proportion in the Peabody and Wa
! terloo erections.
A FIFTH AVENUE Hotel waiter was dis
charged on Friday and vented his spite
by advertising in Saturdays New York pa
pers for 500 Irishmen to go to France; ap-
plication to be made at Room 6S, Fifth
Avenue Hotel Result, the halls and cor
ridors Of the hotel were filed, by ten
o'clock, with hundreds of Hiberians,-so
crowding the guests and visitors of the
house, that there was necessity of clearing
the intruders out; and it was not until
they were put out that the proprietors
knew to what circumstance they were in
dep.ed for such avisitation.
A MAIDEN at Lansingburg N. Y, having
been afflicted with the addresses of two low
ers, usually about the same time, adopt
ed rather a novel means of ridding herself
Of them. A few evenings since they called
at her residence in their best black suits.
She left them together, on pretenee Of 90
up stairs, and in a few minutes the servant
maid made bold to enlist their services il
the removal of some flour IN the kitchen
They went to work willingly, and the mait
for,,1d % v,or,v q, n l.