The Evansville journal. [volume] (Evansville, Ind.) 1866-1870, 1870-05-12

HUMOROUS.

Almost every Dody naDltually quotes
the adage, There is no use crying
over split milk" But we've noticed
that argument don't go down with a
hungry baby.
Aunt Susan says: Suppose all the
men were In one country, and all the
women in another, with a big river
between them. Good graciousl what
lots of poor women would be
drownedl"
A raptured writer inquiries, what
IS there 1nder heaven more human
izing, or, if we may use the term, more
a%ngelizing, than a fine black eye 10 q
lovely woman" Two black eyes is
the only answer thought of at present.
1t is said that a professor of natural
science, in one of our colleges, used
annually TO astonish the students In
natural philosophy by remarking,
when the time came for assigning a
certain portion ofthe textbook: "The
class may go to thunder"
Affected young lady, seated in a
rocking-chair, reading the Bible, ex-
claimed, Mother, here is a grammat-
ical error In the Bible" Mother,
lowering her spectacles and approach
ing the reader In a very scrutinizing
attitude, says: Kill it. kill It'll"
A German wrote an obituary on the
death Of his wife, of which the fellow
ing is a copy: IF mine wife had lived
until next Friday she would have been
dead shust two weeks. Nothing is
possible with the almighty. AS de
tree falls so must it stand"
A young man who has tried until
he knows, tells us that if you go to
call on a young lady, and she crockets
diligently all the evening and only
says yes" and mo" you can 60 away
about nine or a quarter past without
breaking any ofthe rules of etiquette.
Waiter, I'll take my hat" said a
gentleman at a ball one evening, as he
was about going home. What kind
of a hat was it, sir2" "a bran new
one, that / bought this morning"
well, sir" said the waiter, ''all the
good hats have been gone for more
than two hours"
Ayoung gentleman sporting a very
large cluster of briliiants upon the
little finger Of his left hand, called up
on us yesterday morning and solicited
the privilege of looking at a Mobile
paper, remarkiDg, by way of explana-
ton, that his sister had got married
and he didn't know who the devil she
had married.-Ne10 Orleans Crescent.
The young mar in Toledo, who last
week killed his wife in q fit of jeal-
ousy, was asked, as he paced the hall
of the City Prison, how he felt, and
replied: Il feel sadly pleased, if you
know how that is" Afterward, in
reply to a suggestion that he should
keep cool, and patiently await events.
he remarked: Yes, it is rather a cool
affair, and quite a new thing to me-"
An old gentleman of the name Of
Page, finding a young lady's glove at
watering place, presented it to her
WITH the following words:
"If from your glove you take the letter q.
Your glove is love, which Idevote 10 thee"
To which the married lady re-
turned the following answer:
eff from your page you take the letter p,
Your Page Is age, and that won't do for
me-"
An elderly gentleman, returning
home one Sunday night from church,
began to extol the merits of the ser
mon to his son. Said he: Jack. |
have heard one Of the most delightful
sermons ever delivered before a Chris
tan society. It carried me to the
gate of heaven" why didn't you
Dodge inn" replied Jack; you will
rever have another such chance"
At a Su day School concert in
Massachusetts some time since, as was
the custom, all present were invited to
recito some passage of Scripture. A
young fellow who wished to create
some merriment. responded by rising
and saying, Judas went out and hung
HIMSELF" A young lady Immediately
rose and recited the selection. Go
thou and do likewise"
The cause of ladies' teeth decaying
at 80 much earlier a stage of life than
the other sex has been usually attrib-
uted to the friction produced by the
constant action of the tongue. It has,
however, been suggested, with more
gallantry, and perhaps with equal
truth, that it is owing to the sweetness
of their lips-as it is we'll established
by popular belief that sweet things
spoil the teeth.
The story is told that when Camilla
Urso was concerning in Milwaukee,
not long since, and deeply immersed
in a fantastic OF Artot's, an indignant
Milwaukean arose in the audience.
and, with blood in his eye and thun-
der IN his tone, shouted: Here, you
fellow that's pounding that musical
box, darn We, stop. Don't you see
the little gal wants to play something,
and you keep putting her out. Now,
little one Just give US Fishers Horn
pipe" and If that laundering fool
don't keep his music box still I'll
throw him out the back door," The
effect may be imagined.
A few evenings since a Berkshire
Paterfamilias was reading an account
of a young lady of somnambulistic
habits, who was discovered at mid
night, en- diShdbille, parading the
streets on horseback, the good wife
said, How strapgel" but young hope
full, who had not VET rejoiced iu his
first pair of boots, exclaimed, why,
papa, she was riding a night mare. of
course" Papa assented with a cent
additional for candy.
One of the best newspaper jokes
lately heard of was unintentionally
perpetrated upon themselves by Rev.
Mr.. Rogers, of Memphis, and the
Daily Times, of Chicago. Mr.. Rogers
preached a sermon in advocacy of Ro-
manism as the true religion, andshow-
ing the futility of Protestant Episco-
pal organizations, delivering what he
supposed was the manuscript of this
sermon to the Times reporter. He
was astonished to read in that paper