The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-10-14

I'D ana Ms De.eena 70 mss. -
Apropsssof~the> present-excitenlent
about the "dog ordnance p Mark
Twain has presented the following it,
dictment:
When Noah disembarked at Ararat,
he had scarcely touched the pier, when
he proceeded to rally his Passengers
He had just checked his last item in
the list-a Mr.. dnd Mrs. Bedbug, when
the cringing figure of a quadruped came
sneaking down the gang PLANK with
his tail between his legs ttDrat it. if
there amt that yallar dog ~ says Noah
aiming q vicious kick with his brogan
at the brute. But with a facility born
OF long and bitter experience, the brute
lodged the projectile, and calculating
with tisSa s,sa &c f fa i Sss,n Ss
disappeared; while Noah, who had his
sea legs on, was unable to recover his
equilibrium, and sat down with enl-
phasis on the back Of his head.
Noah arose, and in faocordanee with
the style prevalent among the patri-
archs, hef procee1ed TO soOthe his af-
ftunted dignity by pronouncing vari-
egated anathema upon the yaller dog,
which had characteristicaly snesked
unobserved on board, ia1 the confusion
of putting to sea, and capsized the cap
tain at the first port He cursed that
dog In body, limb, bark, hide, hair, tail,
and wag, and all his generations, rela-
tons and kindred, by consanguinity or
affinity, and his heirs and assigns. He
cursed him with endless hunger, with
perpetual fear, with perennial laziness,
with hopeless mango with ancessant
fieas,' and with his tail between his
legs. He closed his stock OF nialedic1
tons by u bIarldh,g display of. pyro|
technics, from the demoralizing effect
Of which the Syaller dog has never re-
covered.
: With this curse sticking to him like
q revenue stamp, the yaller dog can't
help being I" cussed. - He don't try to
help sit.?.S He ifollow,ss Noah'sa pro>
gramme with sneaking fidelity. He Is
an Ishmaelite among dogs. He re-
ceives the most oppressive courtesies in
the form OF brick bats, boots and hot
water, which makes his life an Animal
ed target excursion. He boards around
like Q district school teacher, and it Is
meal-tive to him twenty-four hours in
the day. The rest of the time he han
kers after something to eat. He. Is too
ompiverous for an epicure. Cram him
at Oelmonico's, and he would hunger
for dessert, from an Albany boarding
house. - -. -,
He can't be utilized. He is too tired.
As swill-cart locomotive, a hunter or
o sentinel, he is an ignominions failure.
The dog churn was strategic attempt
to employ his waste energies, and, but-
ter had too much self-reepect to sscomen
at his persuation.r So the dog-churn
was dropped. 's1t ri's.6eafulll .es -ir9be
Nosausage-maker dare foreclOse his
lien on the yaller dog, lest his custo-
mers-no longer "sOothed and sustain
ed by an unfaltering trust"-transfer
their patronage to some audacious dea-
Ter. The savages, who admire baked
dog, and who can even attack tripe,
and explore the mysteries of hash with
out dismay, acknowledge the yaller
dog to be too much for their gastric in
! BE always manages to belong to
ngged, tobacco-chewing, whiskey-
master, whose business is
swapping dogs and eyading the dog
tax The yaller dog is acquainted with
himself, and he enjoys the intimacy
with edifying contempt. He sinks
along through life, on diagonal dog
trot, "a If in doubt as 10 which end Of
him Is entitled to the precedence.
e He is always pervaded by hang-d0g
guilt, and when retibutive tinware Is
fastened to his tan, he fees the wrath
to come" with Mortified CELEBRITY
which ought to be very suggestive to
two-legged sinners, of similar ordeal
in store for them. .Tra
The yaller dog is-well, to speak in
italics, be is a siouch.