Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-11-25
Mark TWain's Watch.

yune.
Mark TWain's Watch.
MY beautiful new watch had run eight
cen months without losingor gaining, and
without breaking any part of its machinery
or stopping. had come to believe it in
fallible in its Judgment about the time of
day, and to consider its constitution and its
anatomy imperishable. But at last, one
night, let it run down. l grieved about
it as if it were recognized messenger and
forerunner of calamity. But by and by
cheered up, set the watch by guess, and
commanded my bodings and superstitions
to depart. Next day, stepped into the
chief jewelers. to set it by the exact time,
and the head of the establishment took it
out of my hand and proceeded to set it for
me. Then he said, "she is four minutes
slow-regulator wants pushing up" l
tried to stop him-tried to make him under
stand that the watch kept perfect time.
But no; all this human cabbage could see
was that the watch was four minutes slow,
and the regulator must be pushed up a
little; and so, while | danced around him
in anguish, and beseeched him to let the
watch alone, he calmly and cruelty did the
shameful deed. My watch began to gain.
1t gained faster and faster day by day.
| Within the week it sickened to a raging
| fever, and its pulse went up to hundred
and fifty in the shade. At the end of the
month it had left all the time pieces of
town far in the rear, and was fraction over
thirteen days ahead of the almanac. 1t
was away in November enjoying the snow,
while the October leaves were still
turning. 1t hurried up house-rent, bills
payable, and such things, in such
ruinous way that could not abide it. I
took it to the matchmaker to be regulated.
He asked me if had ever had it repaired.
| said no, it had never needed any repair
ing He looked look of vicious happi-
ness, and eagerly pried the watch open,
then put small dice-boX into his eye and
peered into its machinery. He said ii
wanted cleaning and oiling, besides regu-
lating-come in week After being
cleaned and oiled and regulated, my watch
| slowed down to that degree that 1t licked
like a tolling bell. began to be left by
trains, l failed all appointments, l got to
missing my dinner; my watch strung out
| three days grace to four, and let me go tC
protest; gradually drifted back into yes
terday, then day before, then into las
week, and by and by the comprehension
came upon me that all solitary and alone
was lingering along in week before last
and the world was out of sight. / seemed
to detect in myself sort of sneaking fel
low-feeling for the mummy in the museum
and desire to swap news with him.
went to a matchmaker again. He tool
the watch all to pieces while / waited
and then said the barrel was "swelled
He said he could reduce it in three days
After this, the watch dCerdged well, bu
nothing more For half day it would g
like the very mischief and keep up such
barking and wheeling and whooping ant
sneezing and snorting, that could not hea
myself think for the disturbances and a
long as it held out, there was not a watcl
in the land that stood any chance agains
it. But the rest of the day it would keep ol
slowing down and fooling along until al
the clocks it had left behind caught u
again. So at last, at the end of twenty
four hours, it would trot up to the Judges
stand all right and Just on time. 1t woul
show fair and square average, and N
| man could say it had done more or les
: than its duty But correct average
only mild virtue in watch, and too
, this instrument to another watchmake
, He said the kingbolt was broken. | said
? was glad it was nothing more serious. T
! tell the plain truth, | had no idea what til
r kingbolt was, but | did not choose to az
pear ignorant to a stranger. He repaire
3 the kingbolt, but what the watch gained i
one way it lost in another. 1t would III
awhile and then stop awhile, and then ru
, awhile again, and so on, using its own dis
cretion about the intervals And ever
, time it went off it kicked back like mus
, ket. padded my breast for few day
but finally took the watch to anothe
, matchmaker. He picked it all TO piece
and turned the ruin over and over under hi
q glass and then he said there appeared {
! be something the matter with the hail
! trigger. He fixed it, and gave it a fres
> start. 1t did well now, except that alway
at ten minutes to ten the hands would shu
together like pair of scissors, and fror
that time forth they would travel togethe
The oldest man in the world could nc
make head or tail of the time of day b
such a watch, and so went again TO hav
the thing repaired This person sal
that the crystal had got bent, and that tn
! handspring was not straight. He also rt
,, marked that part of the works needle
! half-soling. He made these things a
right, and then my timepiece perfOrme
, uneXceptionably, save that now and theI
after working along quietly for nearl
, eight hours, everything inside would lie
go all of a sudden and begin to buzz lilz
a bee, and the hands would straightwa
!, begin to spin round and round so fast tha
their individuality was lost completely, an
they simply seemed delicate spiders we
over the face of the watch. She wOul
, reel off the next twenty-four hours i
six or seven minutes, and then stop with
bang | went with heavy heart to on
Z, more matchmaker and looked on while h
took her to pieces Then | prepared t
cross-question him rigidly, for this thin
was getting serious The watch had cos
two hundred dollars originally, and
seemed to have paid out two or three thou
I sand for repairs. While | waited and look
ed on, | presently recognized in thi
matchmaker an old acquaintance - steam
boat engineer of other days, and not
good engineer either He examined a
the parts carefully, just as the other watch
makers had done, and then delivered hi
verdict with the same confidence of mar
ner:
He said;
"She makes too much steam-you wan
to hang the monkey-wrench on the safet
valve!"
] Drained him on the spot, and had hir
J buried at my own expense.
My uncle William (now deceased, alas
used to say that good horse was goo
horse until il had run away once, and tina
a good watch was good watch until tn
repairers got a chance at it, And he use
to wonder what became Of all the unsuC
cessful tinkers, and gunsmiths, and shoe
makers and blacksmiths; but nobod
could ever tell him.-GdLdGy.