Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-07-12
Las2lch for Hat23aO7'lStS.

Beauties often die old maids They set such
value on themselves that they don't find a
purchaser before the market is closed.
A drunken man, after trying in vain to keep
on the sidewalk, was heard to exclaim, There
now go into the street if you want to.
Mothers used to provide switch for their
daughters from the nearest bush; but now the
daughter gets her own switches from the hair
dressers.
Michael Mcclure, of Cincinnati, has new
material for ornamenting kitchen floors. Flat
iron for one part and wife brains the balance.
Cause-jeaousy.
A western man obviated all necessity for di-
vorce, by advising his wife to light the fire with
kerosene He thinks divorce would have
been cheaper, as the stove was ruined.
Talk about your square root and cube root,
but the root of the hog at Sparta, Mo-, that
rooted up s., 900 in gold which its owner buried
and forgot, is the rootlest root yet rooted.
New Orleans colored men now settle disputes
by stabbing each other with gimlets, while a
Mobile negro compelled an enemy to swallow a
two foot square They are full of jokes when
they can get the tools.
Smith, looking over the garden fence of his
neighbor Jones, late on Saturday afternoon,
saw J. in the act of digging angleworms.-
Jones, said he, Il hope you are not going
to break the Sabbath" mo" replied j., as
he drew out fat fellow. mo, expect to
make whole day OF it.
To show the benefit of advertising. a family
in Florida lost little boy, and advertised the
fact in local paper, and the next morning
they found the alligator that had eaten the boy
lying on their doorstep with the boys hat and
shoes in his mouth. The aligator's family
took the papers.
A little boy once, not pleased at being re-
proved by his mother for some misdeed, show
ed his displeasure in his face, when his moth
er remarked, why Charlie [ am astonished
to see you making faces at your mother. -
Charlie frightened up at once, and retorted,
'why I calculated to laugh but, ma, my face
slipped.
A San Francisco stage driver made his brags
that he could drive over billy piece of road
just as well when drunk as when sober. The
coach was spilled over precipice, and when
the passengers crawled out from under the
wreck, they begged permission to differ with him
ann hit him, with piece Of rope. The stage
Co. buried him.
A Philadelphia paper tells Of a local preach
er who has received for salary this year nothing
en- clothes pins. Whenever his children cry
with hunger he gags them with clothes-pin,
scratches their stomachs with the currycomb,
and lays On coat of varnish. Printers chill
dren would fatten on high living ike that.
An amusing incident occurred in Boston a
few days ago Miss Lolita was singing the new
song, Guess Who" and when she repeated
the lines
''Some one I'm wishing and longing to see
Guess who, if you can, guess who"
an enthusiastic individual In the parquet sprang
to his feet and exclaimed: Il cam guess but
I'd give thousand dollars If was the man
Just imagine the applause that followed.
A succinct history of reconstruction comes to
US 10 a Southern paper: Which is it that's
the best government the world ever seed P
Georgy ought to have found out by this time,
having run some fourteen or more since Dixie
weutup. First, territory second, provisional
third, no government, Gust sloshin' around
loose like stray dorg; fourth, military; fifth,
civil and military mixed sixth, in the United
States one fourth seventh, plum out, &c, &c,
down to the fourteenth-whi started out try
ing to run a sorter double-barre fxin' that is,
civil when il suits, military when it don't, and
1t suits and dont's about every new moon.
FLY-TmE-W When Moses got up flies to
bother the people of Egypt, his head was level.
They are a little the meanest thing known in
science. Take it Sunday afternoon and between
six and eight o'clock mornings, when any one
is trying to get nap, and have a perverse
persistent, pertlnacious, pusilanlmous fly come
to you a thousand and nineteen times 10 sue
cession, is enough to make Pharoah let go
not only of the Jews, but his meerschaum pipe
and his prettiest servant girl A. boarder a
one OF our hotels who was subjected to thi
plague OF flies woke up the other morning with
the bed mattress twisted around bis neck anG
tied in double bow knot We calculated tina
we rolled over ia bed SO many times this morn
ing that if the same number of revolutions were
given to mustard seed, it would roll 70 Alask;
and back again