Orleans independent standard. [volume] (Irasburgh, Vt.) 1856-1871, 1870-01-11
How Mr.. Mckinley Suffered.

do not vouch for the truth or orig
inality of this sad tale of woe. 1t
was related to me by the victim, Mr..
William Mckinley, one evening, upon
the front platform of a horse car
II suppose" said Mr.. Mckinley,
chat | am the most unfortunate man
that ever lived. By rights ought to
be dead. I've got no business on this
here earth. If any other man had suf-
fered a tenth part of what | have, he
would be mouldering in the silent
grave, as dead as Andrew Jackson.
Sometimes | think that there must
have been some mistake about me
when l was born. The baby who
was the real William Mckinley must
have been mixed up somehow and
snapped off for the wandering Jew.
Nothing, you know, could kill him,
and neither it can me. don't be-
lieve | am ever going to die. As far
as I'm concerned the undertakers
might as well put up their shutters
and retire to private life. I'd just
like to know what in the name of CON-
mon sense is going to choke me off?
There isn't anything in this created
world can happen to me that hasn't
happened.
III give you an instance. just a
| little account of the accidents that oc-
CURED upon one short journey, and as
that's the way it has been ever since
began to breathe, you can judge
whether anything is likely to reduce
me to inanimate remains.
About fifteen years ago | started
across the plains for California. l
was to leave Philadelphia by an after
noon train, but the man who brought
my trunk to the depot got there too
late, and | missed the train. When l
paid him he went right down to a po-
liceman, and had me arrested for Civ
ing him a counterfeit halt dollar.
Twas in jail three weeks, and caught
the black smallpox. When l recover
ed, after the lapse of three months l
was acquitted. In the meantime my
trunk had disappeared, with my mon
ey. l borrowed some more cash, you
observe, and got in the cars.
We hadn't gone more than twenty
miles before | lost my ticket, and the
conductor said he would have to put
me of. He stopped the cars, and in
stepping down | fell and broke my
nose upon cross-tie.
| pulled out my handkerchief to
staunch the blood and the ticket fell
TO the ground. 1t had been in my
pocket all the time. The train had
just started; ran for a distance of
twenty yards, when l came across one
Of those cattle-guards in the track, and
naturally, of course, fell in and broke
my leg.
lay there a while, and at last de-
termined 10 make an effort to get out
Just as had placed one hand on the
T rail, along comes another train, and
cuts my thumb off at the second Joint.
But somebody saw me, and picking
me up put me on the train.
We got along well enough until
when within forty miles of Pittsburgh,
switch happened to be misplaced,
and the cars rolled down a high EN-.
/ bankment into the river, where half
the people were drowned, and | was
hshed out by a man who ran a boat
hook through my pants: and tore them
frighttully-the only pair l had, too.
I | got so wet that caught cold, and
was laid up in bed for six weeks in a
hotel at Pittsburgh.
The night before my departure a
thief broke into my room, and stole
my only pair of pants with my pocket
book. OF course | couldn't pay my
board and the landlord kicked me in
to the street with nothing on but my
shirt. 1t was dark night, and an
old lady coming from church, mistook
me tol a ghost, and got frightened in
to spasms, which continued until she
died; while a policeman came along
and arrested me for indecent expo
sure.
| was put into jail, where the rats
bit my bare legs so badly that they
swelled up as big as a tree-box, and |
was sent to the hospital, where they
put me, by mistake, in the amputating
ward, and a surgeon came along and
sawed my leg of, despite my protest
aions. He afterwards apologized
| for the error, but it was too late to
do me much good.
After awhile, got more money
from home, and proceeded with a
wooden leg to St. Louis. On our way
down the river from Cincinnati on the
steamboat, | got choked with a bone
while at dinner, and a doctor OH
board had to slit my windpipe to get
1t out, and then he made a bIunder,
and took out the wrong bone, $50 that
lost nearly all of my voice; and the
very next day, while | was in my
berth over the engine room the boiler
exploded, and not only scorched my
cOuntenance all out OF shape, but blew
me onto the Kentucky shore, where |
was mistaken for an abolitionist, and
after being coated with tar and feath-
ers, was treated to an uncomfortable
ride on rail by mob, who gave me
twenty-four hours to leave the State.
When | got to St. Louis the first
man | saw came up to me and says:
"l8 your name Mckinley ?"
at is, said l.
William McGinley?''
Yes"
"Well, arrest you for the murder
of John Smith" said this preposter-
GUS man.
| afterwards ascertained that a man
with my name had committed horri-
bic murder about six weeks before,
and the St. Louis police had been in
formed that he would arrive in that
city on the train | came on. | an
swered his personal description ex-