Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-12-30
HORNS.
BY JOSH BILLINGs.

IN writing the biogriphi ov horns, | anu
astonished tew find so menny ov them, and
so entirely different in their pedigree and
pretenshuns.
u "CAPE HORN. Cape Horn IL the big
gest horn known to man.
1t IL a native ov the extreme bottom ov
South Amerika, and cores the oshun.
Cape Horn IL hollow and aktsas phun-
nell for the winds, which hurry thru 1t in
mutch haste, cauzng the waters ov the sea
for CRATE distance tew bekum crazy,
which frightens the vessels that go by
thare, and makes them rare and pitch tre-
MENUS.
This horn IL like sour old bull in the
hiway, and don't seem .tew be ov any use,
only tew make folks go out ov their way
tew git around it.
"HoRN ov A DILEMMA. Dilemma IL de-
rived from the siamese verb "diloSs," which
means tite spot, and haz horn on EACH
end ov it.
There IL no choice in theze two horns (;
if yu seize one ovthem the other may per.
forate yu and if, yu don't take either both
ov them may pitch into yu.
l always avoid them if possible, but
when possibility gives out, mi rule IL tew
shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs
with my whole grit.
Nine times out ov ten this will smash a
dilemma, and it IL alwus good tite if yu
git licked in the tenth
Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov
a dilemma, the only way IL to advance In
and fight for the gross amount.
Cows HoRN."-Two bony projeck-
shuns curved, crooked or strate, worn by
the cows on the apeks of their heds, for
armament in, tifDac nf Dnocn and usp1 NC bpD
they go into war to stab with.
These horDs are kind of family
rechord.
AT three years old ring appears on the
bottom ov the horn next to the head, and
each year after fresh ring is born.
In this way the COWS kno how old they
are.
Sumtimes these rings fill up the
whole horn and grow off onto the adjoin'
ing fences in the pasture lot, but this only
happens to very old cows.
never knu it tew happen in mi life, and
| don't think it ever did, it is one ov them
venerable lies that are handed down from
father to son, Just to keep the stock ov lies
from running out.
When waz boy waz told that but
ter cum from cows horn-I hav since
found out that this il another cussed old
lie.
This lieing tew children IL no evidence
ov G MUS, and il sowing the seeds ov de-
cepshun in soil too apt bi natur tew
covet what amt undoubtedly so.
DINNER HoRN"-This is the oldest,
and most sakred horn there il. 1t IL set
tew musk, and plays Home Sweet Home"
about noon. 1t has bin listened tew, with
more rapturous delite, than even Graifula's S
band haz. Yu kan hear it further than yu
kan one ov Mr.. ROdman's guns. 1t will
arrest man, and bring him in quicker
than sheriff's warrent. 1t ken outtoot
eny other noize. 1t kauses the deaf to
hear, and the dunn to shout for joy. Glori
Gus old instrument! long may yure lungs
last!
WHISKY HoRN."-This horn varys in
length, but from three to six inches IL the
fayorite size. 81 r..l
1t IL different from other horns, being oy
a fluid natur
1t IL really more pugnashus than the
rams horn; six inches of it knox mar
perfekly calm.
When it knoks q man down it holds hin
| thare. ~ -. ~
1t il either the principal or the seckonC
in most all the iniquity that IL travelling
around.
1t makes brutes of men, demons of vim
min and vagrants of children.
1t has drawn more tears, broken more
hearts and blited more hopes than all tn,
other agencys of the devil put together.
'HoRN COMB. This simple, little, un
sophisticated instrument haz beheadeG
countless legions ov innocent children.
! Idon't mean that it haz cut oph thet
heads, but that it haz cut its way thru th'
hirsute enclosing that adorns their skalps
1t haz two rows of sharp teeth, and al
ways haz a good appetite. yi.
1t IL always az ready for a job as vii
lage lawyer, and il az thorough az sarch
warrant
1t iz an emblem of faith and neatness
When it gifts old and loses its teeth, i
should be cherished, hung up and labeled
"Well done, old moWser."
l always look upon an old and Worn ou
horn tooth comb with a species of venera
shun, bordering ON melancholy. 1t remind
me ov mi boyhood, and the bOyish thing
that waz running through mi head in thoz
days ov simplicity and innocence.
Thare IL a CRATE menny other kinds o
horns, but haint-gOt the time to tell y
all about them now. Thare IL the "Powde
Horn" the "Horn ov the Bull Head" an
the Horn of Plenty" and there IL ais
"Hon Tooke," celebrated writer of hi
daY but good by for the DreSent