The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-02-04
AN ILLINOIS INVALID.

AkA a. B0HANh NAAHNNAAHNAHN
II tell you, sir, that truth is stranger
than fiction"
"Yes2' said I, with q studied effort 10
play the agreeable to the new conner.
We were sitting at a plain but well spread
table in the kitchen offs western farm house.
Everything was on a generous scale, from
the rolling prairie with It's billowy reaches,
down to the hay stacks and the big wood.
pile near the door. Within the house the
same ample greeting was prominent. ]
had spent the day since the December san
rise in hunting mp section corners and S.
u blishing boundary lines for my host. We
had all Of us worked hard, and the measure
ments had proven remarkably correct, for
the chain slipped smoothly along ON the
frozen snow. The great Lillycacho sloo,
in whose centre was u bottomless mire, WAS
nicely crusted over, and the rank grass in
terwoyen with the ice made the crossing
safe. So we had passed ever where many
"A horse had been smothercd in the mud
while venturing to ford the sluggish pool,
Thus we had escaped n roundabout path
and had realized the privilege over which
every true vesterner oXults, viz, that OF
making a Decline between any two points.
Hence we we're in excellent spirits AS we
sat down to the smoking hot supp r. Mr..
Felderkin with his two boys waited for no
ceremony and 1 followed their example in
bunting my keen appetite with sayory
morsels. Two buXom daughters were bust
ling around the kitchen and replenishing
the table, while their vigorous mother, with
hospitality shining all over her red face,
was watching with care, lest we should for
"A memeut see the bottom Of cup or plate.
We had nearly eaten our way through TO
victory, and some of us had pushed back
20 rest on our laurels and TO ogle the dam
sells, when the door opened, and in step
ped o man Of medium sta ure, rosy checks,
long reddish hair, intelligent face, and
about iorty-iye years Of age.
"How are you, Dayid?' said our host,
and turning TO me, exclaimed in his hearty
tones. stranger, this are Mr.. Spencer, the
sickest man that God ever made. Nov,
Dave, tell this Yankee some of your great
moral truths"
Thus introduced aud challenged, Spen
Ger gazed solemnly into M face, and. see
ing expectation there depicted, he uttered
the original phrase with which this sketch
begins. Ihad been so often quizzed, as O
youth from New England, tsat hardly knew
what to expect, n therefore waited for
Spencer to proceed.
At this stage, Mrs. f., in the kindness
Of her heart poured out q bowl of milk and
offered il to the newcomer. He took 1t in
silence, rwallowed it, almost at a SINGLE
gulp, SET down the crockery with a slam,
ana, sinking into q chair, appeared TO be
griped with a terrible pain. "Perhaps you
would rather nave had water" said the
hostess timidly. 'Well, marin, drinking
milk is about like taking pills to me, butts
it's no CON equence now it's down, replied
the gloomy man.
Thinking to relieve the good lady's con.
fusion, asked Mr.. Spencer if he had re-
cen ly been i'll. Had my query been a pa
tent corkscrew and Mr., Spencer a bottle
OF restless champagne, the explosion could
not have been more immediate. "Il, sir
ill that little word il too short, sir. Ill
you see nothing, sir, but my remainsl /
have been David Spencer. NOi0, sir | may
say, without intending d%isrespect 10 my
wife, | am the relic Of the late D.. S. Let
me give you, stranger, ia a few words, a
sketch OF m troubles.
MY lungs are badly cut up. One Of
them is clear gOne-eollapsed, the doctor
sa~ys-shriyeled up like a blacksmith's ap.
ron The other one looks better, but doesn't
amount TO much. Have often bled a quart
at once, and thought it not worth mention
ing. take long a breath now and then,
and have an awful time, bloating up like a
toad.
'But that isn't the worst. My liver
plaques me with an odd trick. 1t turns il
self inside out and wanders over my sys-
ten, / suppose, stranger, that the great
eT part of my liver is inside ofthose boots"
thrusting out his two cowhides from under
the table.
But / have another curious disease
Some Of the doctors say it's paralysis, but
one medicine man calls il intermittent lock-
jaw, and / reckon he's right. 1t Just grabs
me and shuts me right up all over. Can't
stir a muscle; teeth all locked together like
a rat-trap: can't talk or wink my left eye.
All my conversation Is done with my right
eye, and ! tell You, stranger, ii gets power.
fully tired. The fit often lasts two. or three
weeks, and it takes away all my appetite,
for l have to be fed with a squirt-gun just
behind my eye tooth.
"You look as il you wanted TO laugh
Mister, but them as takes care of ME in
those spells, don't laugh much, / tell you,
They don't reckon thatI make 1t any joke
Tor them, H .
But / wouldn't mind these things if II
wasn't for the slipping of my spinal chord
II never gives me any warning, but the first
/ know it gives wav, and pitches me right
over head first into whatever lies in 'front.'
Now, one day last spring, just as ] was get
ting over the lockjaw, 1 rode out ON the
prairie across by the Sloo, and / saw a big
stone in the road, and got out 10 push it
over. Then / went to the Sloot TO wash my
hands. As l bent forward, my shaky old
spine let right 20, and / dove head first into
the mud. and there l stuck, head under
and feet thrashing on the bank. / had TO
stay there till one nf my men, passing by,
took rue be the heel aud pulled me out:' ?
'How long should you think You were
under water. Mr.. Spencer" asked one Of
Aha EaldarLfp hova