Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1870-10-14
JOSH BILLINGS Papers.
The Monkey.

understood, kivYeEeq with hair, hitched tc
q tail and filed with the devil.
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask
them, that am mistaken, that / mean
well enuff, and don't mean to deceive
emmy body, but the monkey il not a hu-
man being, he IL simply a pun on human.
ity, kind of malishus Joke ov Jupiter's.
libel, with long tail tew it, a mis-,
ferrous mixtur of ludikrous mischief and
stale humor, q kind ov pacing hobbyhoss,
or connecting gang plank, between man
in biz digpity and the beast in biz dark.
ness.
have hi opinyon ov the naturalist,
and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity,
and tich mn hat tew them when we meet,
and respect them for what they know,
but don't worship them for Whist they
don't know az the hesthens do their
wooden gods.
| don't ksre what the philosophers say
they kan prove in this matter, tell you
confidenshslly, mi christian friend, that
you and that monkey are relashuns.
don't pretend tew say that you are
brothers and sisters, put do pretend to
state, that monkeys, or emmy other kind
ov critters, who exercise reason, even il
thu light ov it is az dim az a number six
dip candle in the rays ov the MONDAY
sun, are our relashuns, for certain
amount 6E-A W. @
The only fence between the animal and
brute folk IL instinkt and reason, and if
the naturalist kant prove that the monkey
don't Shove single glimnering ov reason,
say he must step oph from the monkey s
tail, and let him eat at the fust table.
The monkey IL initiative tew the high
est degree, and imitashun IL a direkt
transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and
IL fallow ground within the domain ov
reason. .-. .....srs r-aE gg3,E
Instinkt don't step one single step
aside tew smell ov flower or pull cats
tail.
But argument amt my fghtin' weight;
git along the best by asserting things as
they strike me, and say upwards ov
four things every year that kant prove
emmy more than kan prove what mel
Ody IL.
The naturalists may have their own
way, but they kant hav mine, what i
know about things has bin whispered tew
me by the spirits or some other roming
critters, aud is az distinkt and butiful,
sometimes to me az a dream on an empty
stummack; it may be all wrong but it
never il vicious, and thus konklude it is
edukation.
Now l don't advise ennybody else to
depend for their learning upon SIGH preka-
Ina cfn 1,n hoe Aorr
follow the ruts, it will take you to town
just as it did yure daddy.
The route that travel IL cirkcuitus and
blind sometimes, it haz now and vista,
or landscape in it, that IL worth, tew
me, more than farm ov tillible land, but
yew can't raize good white beans on q
landscape. .....
Whenever drop mi subject, and be-
gin tew strut in the suburbs ov senti-
mentality and proverbial pomposity, i
always think of a gob5ler turkey, in a
barnyard, on dress parade, and that il
just what am th,nkin Nv now, and there
fore will dismount from the turkey and
git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az
he ann once more.
Pure deviltry, IL the monkeys right
bower; he IL only valuable, (as personal
property tew look at, and wonder what
he IL going to dew next.
He IL jack of all trades, put him in a
barbe3 shop, he will lather, and try tew
shave himself, and color his mustash, put
him IN dri goods store, aud he will
handle more goods than the best retail
clerk in A. T. Stewards employ.
The monkey has got logical head, it is
mulch like pin head, all in heap tew
Onst but his face is a concentrated dew
drop oy malishus mischief.
He resembles the rat tarrier in counten-
ance, and skratches his he'd as natural as
a district skoOl boy, and undoubtedly for
the same reason.
Monkeys never grow emmy older in eX-
preston. A young money looks just
like his grandpapa, melted up and born
again.
They are sometimes kept as pets, but i
should rather watch 2 adopted orphan
boys, fresh from the Home of the Friend
less, than two monkeys.
They will eat everything a man will,
except bOlony saTsage. Here they show
mole instinkt than reason.
But, after all, tho the money shows evil
dent signs ov reason, they are, as a means
ov practical grace, the most useless kritters
have ever pondered over and sEUatched
mi he'd about.
They won't work and they won't play,
unless they kan raise sum devil, and they
are too much like human being in looks
and actions to kill off; it is impossible to
gaze at one and git mad at him, and it IL
impossible tew laff at their Sinking sa-
tanity without Citing mad at yourself.
If ennybody should make me pres
ent of monkey, don't know now
whether would kOnsider it intended for
malice or joke, but do know that i
should send him back by the same person
that fetched him, tew the donor, marked
in loud italicks-C O. ID.
In konklusiOn: there is only one thing
that have great supply Ov doubt about,
lie reference to the monkey, and that IL
hiz moral stamina, while ir the Garden of
Eden, with the rest of the critters, pre-
viOus to the time that Adam fell-was he
strictly on the square, or waz he just az
full ov the devil az he IL now2
An answer to the above kOnnUndrum
il earnestly solicited.