Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-08-04
Humorous Readings.

Humorous Readings.
"The Religious Difficulty."-Long ser
mons.
Question for bootblaeks.-Will the shoes
made by the Celestial workmen take
shine easy
The prodigal son confessed his sins TO
his father in a husky tone OF voice
Don't 90 to church with cough and
disturb the rest of the congregation.
Plantation Bitters-For negroes-mus-
cular Asiatics on Southern Sugar planta-
tions.
When does Shakespeare give an in
stance of the cure of consumption When
the Duke of Gloster stops King Henry's
coffia'.
The recent perspiratory weather sug-
gests an amendment of the stock conun-
drum "Whither are we driftingT' to
"Whither are we dripping
"My dear Doctor" said lady, Il suffer
a great deal with my eyes" "Be patient,
madame" he replied, lyon would proba-
bly suffer a great deal more without
tneIn.-
| "Bill," said Bob, "why is that tree called
a weeping wiliowP" "'C.use one of the
sneaking, plaguay things grew near the
schoolhouse, and supplied the master with
switches"
Curious fact in philology: Captain
Typlin-"'S mo- stro nary thing, Mis'r
Poffins, that all goo things t'drink are
wor's one syllable-por, sherr, clar't,
spirr's u
Lord F. recently married his cook.
On the wedding day it rained tremend-
ously, and the coachman and his attend
ant sprites were wet through. "Ah y
said wag, ''all quite in character; there
is nothing but dripping wherever he
goes"
l The Turkish bath is an institution to
be avoided by right minded philanthrop-
lists for there money is expended, not on
the poor, but on the shampoor.
| REFLECTION BY A JILTED LOVER.
sat me down in thought profound;
This maxim wise / drew
It's easier far to like girl,
i Than to make a girl like you.
1t is related that on recent occasion, Il
q French attache who was oyer-elated at
the victory of Lornette in the race for the
Grand Prix, remarked TO the Princess Of
Wales: "Thst admirable race, Madame,
revenged us for. Waterloo" True" re-
piled the Princess, " but at Waterloo you
ran better still"
A teacher, wishing TO explain to q little
girl the mann er in which lobster casts
it she'll when it has outgrown it, said !:
"Whst do you do when you have ont
grown your clothes? You throw them
aside, don't you?" "Oh, no." replied the
little one, "we let out the tucks."
,, A dignifed and consequential officer of
: the Marine Corpe was lately passing up a
street in New York, when be was accosted
by brother officer, who, touching him
familiarly on the shoulder, said: "Well.
Broom, how are you 2" Excuse me-"
was the naughty reply, 81 wish you
would remember that there is handle 90
my name ?" "Oh-yes-certainly. How
are you Broom handle ?"
An Irishman having accidently broken
pane of glass in a window, was making
the best of his way out of sight as well as
mind, but, unfortunately for Pat, the pro-
prietor stole march on him, and seizing
him by the collar, exclaimed, ''You broke
my window, did you not ?" "To be sure
did" said Pat, "and didn't you see noe
running home for the money to pay for
it?"
I ANECDoTE OF DANIEL WFBsTER-A
Boston correspondent assures US that the
following, one of the many funny annec-
dotes that Portsmouth, n. H. people tell
of Mr.. Webster, has not appeared in print
During Mr.. Webster's residence in that
city, in his younger days, there was q
furniture dealer named Jrdkins doing
| business in the town, who was a very well
informed as well as ambitious man. He
was patronized by MIR. Webster, who
often dropped into the shop to order or
superintend the making of some piece Of
furniture. These opportunities of con-
versing with man SO learned as Mr.. W.
were the delight of Mr.. Judkin's life aud
on the removal of the former to Boston,
the payment of a considerable debt due
Mr.. j. was willingly left for futsre settle
ment. Attempts were made at various
times to collect the debt-always in vain.
| Finally, Mr.. JudkiDs determined TO go tn
Boston and see Mr.. Webster himself. He
reached the city after long and fatiguing
stage ride, and making a Sunday toilet,
proceeded to the large house on the corner
of High and Summer streets. rs Mr..
Webster in 2" asked he of the servant who
answered the bell.
"Yes, but he cannot possibly be seen"
"But l must see him"
"No; he is entertaining some Washing
ton gentlemen-they are dining"
| Mr.. Judkins had heard of subterfuges,
and believed not the serving man.
"Well, viii come in and wait till din
ner is over" .-
The puzzled servant, needed below
stairs, decided to take the importunaie
strangers name TO his master. Fancy
the surprise of Mr.. Judkins at seeing Mr..
| Webster rushing up stairs and insisting
upon the poor mans joining hls friends
at the dinner tablet He would take no
denial. and carried him forcibly almost,
introducing him as "my old and dear
| friend. Mr.. Judkins of Portsmouth, and
seating him between distinguished Bos-
tonian and the Secretary Of the Navy
and to use the words of the worthy cabi-
net maker, '1-was for four mortal hours
Just as good as anybody; my opinion was
asked on good many subject-, and they
all seemed TO think / knew good deal.
l was invited to visit them, and TO 90 to
Washington, and every body asked me 70
drink wine with them and, by George ~
made up my mind never to ask for my
bill again. / was poor man, and needed
my money, but had been treated a. L
never expected TO be treated in this world,
and was willing to pay for it, -HdyperS
Magazine.
couldn't LEAyE."-The BenningtoE
Banner is responsible for the following;
Two or three weeks since, the service OF