Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-08-11
Humorous Readings.

: Mamma-"And now, Pussy, you n.ve
{ ohatted enough. Shut your eyes, hold
your tongue, and go to Sleep" Pussy
How can I do three things at once,
mamma ?"
There is moral taught by the follow
ing conversation which needs to be
learned by many fathers. Said a little
four-year old Mother, father ,wont be
in heaven with US, will he ?" why, my
child ?" Because he can't leave the
store"
/ The Sacramentoans are forced to admit
that Chinese are fond of chickens, since a
large camp of Celestials and a plentiful
scarcity of fowls are synonymous.
An Illinois schoolma'am tried to beat
an idea into the head of one of her pupils,
but only succeeded in beating them all
out forever.
Aconite was the panacea for the house
hold warsaof a Wisconsin woman. 1t
operated more quickly than divorce
suit.
Gamblers and ferocious dogs are a spe-
| ciality in Philadelphia The gamblers
prosper, and the dogs have to put up with
bite now and then.
A Detroit student has thrashed his
roommate just because he put a pound of
powder in the stove and went out for the
evening.
1t is said that Scales Diggings, Sierra
county, California, has only two single |
ladies to sixty single men and when the !
married folks get up balls and Ree5tiig % 81
thirty adorers apiece to each of the at
tractive two.
A Minnesotian shot himself to prevent
his five wives from quarreling over him.
A Western editors hat was spoiled by
bold, bad female" shooting at him.
A California silk-rsiser finds fire a too
effectual vermifuge He had Il quarter
of million silk worms burned up by an
incendiary the other night.
The New York Democrat says: A sub
scriber in Texas complains because the
kerosene which we recommended to kill !
bugs on cucumber vines, also killed the |
vines. Well, who said anything trout
the vines? 1t was the bugs we were doe.
toring. Anybody ought to know better
than to put it on the vines. Nitro .lycer-
inc will kill tapeworm, but if you swal-
low it, it will discourage your int rnal
cucumber vines.
The Arrapahoe Indians are awaiting the
arrival of those Cinnamon in Tevas, with |
anticipations of intense enjoyment. in
"lifting" the scalps so nicely prepared by
the growth of pigtails.
A Partisan artesian we'll goes dow, 500
metres through chalk, 448 metres below
the sea level. They haven't found water
yet, but are bound to strike it or disturb
some Chinaman's domestic arrangements
in the attempt.
The young ladies of an Iowa town an
nounces a "love-making and manchoosing'
meeting; admission 20 cents.
There are seventeen grandchildren to
be provided for by the British Cr,wn.
by prudent matrimonial alliances it is
hoped to give them half q crown u piece.
San Francisco has letter-carriers, but
the dogs in front door yards are so excit.
able they can't deliver many letters.
A hearty youth of 80, in Maine. wears
mourning for his fifth wife
'Waiter, I'll take my hat" said a gentle
man at ball one evening, az he was {
going home. "What kind of hat il il !
sir 7" ga bran new one-I bought it this S
morning" Well, sir" said the waiter !
'all the good hats have been gone for two
hours" WV O
An English collier kept a keg of DOW
der under his bed, and the other dav I
went after some, smoking pip. When t
ne went out, he took the roof along With a
him. ' e
An injudicious New Orleans m ~ At. .
tackled steamers cook, and was rolled =
out so thin by the latters rolling-pin that
ne will never fight any more
A self-stylel clergyman is ',adlv vic.
umlzing the innocent people OF New Jer- I
sey he travels from one town t. another. C
gefs married every few days, aud i W. a
himself generally. . c
len cents worth OF Chicago qhiskx is .
said to make a man oblivious. t. all eartb. T.
ly things. .
An Indianian who laid down nv the
molasses barrel in store, and went IN Il
sleep with the fluid running over him
was fined W for disorderly conduct. and
had to pay $13 for the mollasses besides
A man from Cheyenne registered him. L
self at Chicogo hotel as from shy :
Ann"
a mussulman coming to a ( ,.vn in the a
evening, after the gates were shut, left his t
merchandise in the desert GU. side.
friend said to him, care you not afraid v
they VIII be stolen ?" "Stolen u an I
sWered the merchant, "there isn't q Il
christian within fifty milesr
You must admit, Doctor" said 4 ladv
to celebrated Doctor of Divinity with
whom she was arguing the question Of
the equality of the sexes"-ayou must s
admit that woman was created before b
man.. well, really, madam said the If
astonlshed divine, 81 must ask Won r. P
prove your case" "That can be EASILY m
done, sir" she naively replied. "Wasnt tt
Eve the frat auoi11 0on '