The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-09-27
II U NJ 0 RoUs n z M s .

DsD~ How to keep yourself dry-Iat
free y Of red herrings and salt beef. and
don't drink.
Dsg~ \ farmer who was whipping two
OF his Oldest boys, was asked what he was
doing, Thrashing wild oats was the re-
ply.
Bsl3" A little boys idea of theology
" | don't see how the devil came to turn
out So when there was no other devil to
put him up to it."
psI3@ The only meption of paper money
in the Bible is in the passage where i
says that the dove brought the green
back to Noah
R51 A servant girl asked her mistress
the other evening for the loan of her
white muslin dress to wear to party,
modestly remarking, 81 dislike to ask
you Tor 1t, borrowed clothes never fit me
as well as my own"
ge25" A clever mot is attributed to the
Prince Imperial. When asked why peo.
pie always said Brave as sword" and
never " Brave as a cannon? he replied
- Because cannon always recoils when
it is fired"
Dd7" a green academy student, being
required to write composition in his
regular course of study commenced thus:
" 1t is rather difficult and pretty near i'm
possible to communicate to others those
ideas whereof we ourselves are not
possessed"
De8" Ma" said little girl to her
mother, do the gentleman want to Get
married bad as the ladies do ?" " Ny dear.
what are you talking about ?" 8" Why,
ma, the ladies who come here always talk
ing about getting married-thc gentlemen
don t."
1@y~ Is there no way of stopping the
murderous style of singing which exc
cutes some Of our best hymns, or rather
garrotes them, in the following style:
The ye-he he-he-hear of Jew-Billy, Of
Jew-Billy, Observation-Disclosures Je-
ew-ew- Bil-le-he-he is come !"
Be3y" An indianapolis German had oc-
casion recently to bury large wife, and
so squabbled with the sexton about the
fee. " Dat ish not pig grafe," said the
disconsolate husband. I" Not big grave"
Indignantly responded the sexton, why
hang it, that's cellar"
DGg" The following copy of the will
Of Spitalfelds weaver has been Gled in
Doctors Commons:
GAS to all my worldly goods l having
store, | leave to my dear wife and hers
for ever more;
freely give; no limit fix
This is my will, and she executrix."
Dsg~ That was thoughtful economy of
the Irishman in the pit of the Dublin
theatre, who, seeing some people about
to throw an obstreperous fellow in the
gallery, over the railing and being much
exasperated by the bad orchestra, cried
out loudly, Don't waste him kill fd-
dler with him.
Dss~ A country cobbler recently visited
one of the large shoe manufactures in
Boston, and for the first time in his life
he saw shoes made by machinery. What
do you think Of that p asked the foreman
as the astonished cobbler stood breathless
with his hand thrust deep into his pock-
cts, gazing at the woodworking ma
chine before him. It" 1t beats aac1," was
the laconic and significant reply.
DD~ There was some years ago trial
for murder in ireland, where the evidence
was so palpably insufficient that the Judge
stopped the case and directed the jury to
render verdict of "not guilty" A
well. known lawyer, who desired, however
to dosomething for the fee he had re-
ceived for the defense, claimed the priv
ilege of addressing the Court. Gwen
hear you with pleasure, Mr.. b" said the
judge, "but to prevent accidents we'll
first acquit the prisoner"
B4" The late Jeremiah Mason was
once engaged in famous murder trial in
which some good Methodist brethren