Public ledger. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1865-1893, 1870-12-02
MARK TWAIN.
His Report of the Farmers Club.


From the Buffalo Express.l
Ex-Constable Quinn desired the club
to inform him how to make hogs root
DIR. Slow had been practical farmer
for the last six weeks, and in all the
varied agricultural experience no such
article as hog s-root had ever come under
his notice. What was it2 Was It edi-
ble2 Was it useful in any way, or was
it, as he more than suspected, another
worthless humbug, devised by the
sharpers to defraud us practical farmers? !?
He knew not whether it was propagated
by seeds or by cuttings, but he would adj
wise Mr.. Quinn to be shy of og'.s-root,
especially if it was new-fangled or
high-priced tuber. V.Ns Il
Mr.. Moker, the agricultural writer, ex-
planned the anatomy of the hogs pro-
boscis. 1t is designed for subterranean
foraging, by a process vulgarly called
roofing, to which Mr.. Quinn S inquiry
probably referred. Being delicate or
gan, it is liable to injury. He would re-
commend that Mr.. Quinn wipe his hog S
nose. If he finds it red, he may be sure
it is tender and needs protection by a
metallic shield Some resort to the
strategic device of inserting a wire ring
in the hog S nose, in his efforts to remove
which he would naturally thrust his snout
into the soil, and thus root unwittingly.
That was playing it rather low on the
hog, and the metallic shield was prefer
able on the score of fair dealing and
philanthropy. erJ. n
Mr.. Greeley exhibited pumpkin Of
his own raising. As it embodied his
solitary and crowning success, after sew
eral years of discouraging failure in
pumpkin culture, the club surrounded it
with uncovered heads and mingled emo
tions of surprise, admiration and envy.
1t was superb fruit, and when Mr.. q. s
hat was placed on it. to illustrate its size
and symmetry, the hat and pumpkin
seemed so perfectly adapted to each
other, and together produced an effect
so startling that several enthusiastic
members swore they would have known
who raised that pumpkin if they had
seen it anywhere. 1t is to be photo
graphed by Gurney, and next years
Tribune subscribers will receive copies.
The pumpkin was the flattering product
of one bushel of seed planted on the
farm in Champagne. Soon after bios
soming, the vine manifested an inclina-
ton to wither. 1t was thereupon trans
planted to a large hower-pot, and removed
to the town residence Of its founder.
For some time it pined and drooped, and
they sat up nights with it, expecting
that every moment would be its last, and
with careful nursing it finally rallied
and came up to maturity, as cherished
and tough pumpkin as ever grew.
DR.. Sixhammers suggested that the
result of Mr.. Greeleys indomitable
struggle with this pumpkin showed how
every city family could provide itself
with pumpkin pie. He hoped to see the
day when every window-sill in every city
would be adorned with fructifying pump
kin-pots, and every worlsmans cottage
embowered in pumpkin-vines. yff
Thomas Dodd, of New Hampshire,
writes to the club that he is fifty years
old, infrm with consumption, has large
family, ten dollars in money, and wants
to know what to do. $50 Lwssal
! Mr.. Moker-GO out to Greeley Colony
and invest in our irrigating ditch.
Mr.. Layman-Buy Texas rancho or
Florida orange grove. l la anime,
DIR. Slimble-His health requires light
farming in bracing climate. Let him
start an indigo plantation in Alaska. q
Mr.. Greeley-He mustn't come to New
York. His ten dollars wouldn't last Q
year; but out West he can invest It and
grow up with the country. fIhad gone
West with ten dollars at his age, should
be happy man now, with two suits Of
respectable garments, an office, and
conscience guiltless Of distraeting tariff
and farming essays.
Mr.. Hastings invited the club to visit
his farm. thirty miles up the river, next
Wednesday, and inspect horse-radish
that he had been persuaded to yegetate.
The ground was titled, sub-soiled and
top-dressed. He had expended upon
that plant only half ton of bone-dust
one cart load of ashes and barrel Of
guano; yet, in spite Of bis neglect, il had
within a year grown TO the size Of his
little finger. His foreman would eX-
plain to the clerk the peculiar difficulty
Of raising this rare exotic. He would
treat the club to a regular farmers din
ner. the materials for which he had al
ready engaged at the city markets.
The club accepted and adjourned.