Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-09-16
EEgaHaa0re

Domestic Music teakettle singing.
The Proper Day for Marriages Wedd'ns-
day.
Raining pitchforks is bad, but mailing
omnibuses' is worse, says an old joker.
Somebody says that the cream upon milk
is the only article that has not risen OF late
Useful marriage welded to ones bust
ness.
sI'll take the shine out Of you,' as the
eclipse said to the moon.
New Axiom-A thorn in the bush is worth
two in the hand.
A woman's heart is like a fiddle; it re-
quires bow to play upon it
The man who was looking for a station
in life has found one-a police station.
It is remarkable fact that however well
young ladies may be versed in grammar,
very few are enabled to decline matrimony.
You often hear Of man being in advance
of his age, but you never heard of a woman
being in the same predicament.
An Irishman said he did not come to this
country for want. He had al abundance Of
that in his own country.
1T is the last link that binds me to the
as the dog said to the cook when he stole
the sausage.
The man who sat down on a paper of
tacks said they reminded him Of the income
tax.
I can't bear fool said a lawyer to
farmer. Your mother could, replied the
farmer.
Why are gentlemcn's love-letters so liable
TO go astray? Because they are always miss
directed.
Why does the fool who never laughs, re-
mind you of the wisest man? Because he
is Solemn 'un
Why arc people who stuttcr not to be re-
lied on? Because they arc a ways breaking
their word
Why do teetotellers run such slight risk
Of drowning? Because they are so accus-
toned to keep their noses above water.
A tailor was startled the other day by the
return of a bill which he had sent to mag
azine editor, with notice that 'the manu-
script was respectfully declined
A cute young wife says, when I want
nice snug day all to myself tell George
dear mother is coming, and then see moth
lug Of him till one in the morning
A temperance editor, in drawing atten-
ton to an article against ardent spirits in
one of his papers says; For the Effects of
lntemperance' see our inside 7
An exchange says that the reason there is
so many mutton heads in existence is to be |
found in the fact that such number of
children are perfect little lambs
We cannot always judge of the equality
eff thing, correctly by its connection. Poe
try may have q ring in it, SO may pigs |
nose.
Or one thousand infants fed by their
mothers milk, not above three hundred die, |
but of the same number reared by wet
nurses, five hundred die,
Josh Billings says: Give the devil his
dues, read well enough in a provcrb but
what will become Nv you and me if this ar
fangement is carried out 2
An Analysing dame reports thai she has
heard OF but one Old woman who kissed her
COW, but she knows of thousands of young
ones who kiss very great calves.
A woman lecturer says woman's sphere
is bounded north by her husband, on the
net hu hoh Nv
erin law, and on the west by a maiden
aunt
what is the chief use of bread ?" asked
an examiner at school exhibition THE
chief use Of bread answered the urchin, |
apparently astonshed at the simplicity of the ]
inquiry. why to spread butter and molas- |
sess on it,
See here, Grips, I understand you have
superior way of curing hams. should |
like to learn it, We'll, yes; [ know very
we'll how to cure them: but the trouble with |
me just now is to find out how to procure |
them
Wife said broker, few days since,
do you think shall ever be worth fifty
thousand dollars ? 'Ain't I worth that to
your said the confding spouse. Yes said
the other half, but can't put you out at
interest
In Iowa a merchant sent dunning letter
to man, who replied By return mail; You
say you are holding my note yet That is
all right-perfectly right. Just keep hold
ing on to it, and if you find your hands slip
ping, spit on them and try again. Yours
afectionately.'
Boss [ want twenty-five cents,' said a
JOUR printer recently to his empolyer.-I
twenty-five cents now soon do you want |
it, William? Next Tuesday week. 'As !
soon as that? You can't have it, I've told |
you so ofteu that when you are in want of
any large sum of money you must give me
at least four weeks notice.
Mr., said little Wilhemina, 4 don't think
Solomon was so rich as they say he was.'
why, my dear? said the astonished
mother.
Because he slept with bis father, and I
think if he had been so very rich he would
have had a bed of his own
Immediately after that the young lady