Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1870-10-27
AN ESSAY BY MARK TWAIN.


Against all chambermaids, Of whatso-
ever age or nationality, l launch the
curse of Bachelordom
Because :
They always put the pillows at the OPP
poslte end ofthe bed from the gas burner,
so that while you read and-smoke before
sleeping, Gas is the ancient and honorsd
custom of bachelors,) you. have to hold
your book aloft in an uncomfortable posi-
| ton, to keep the light from dazzling your
eyes.
When they find the pillows removed to
the other end of the bed in the morning,
they received not the suggestion in a
friendly spirit, but gloryiag in their alb
solute sovereignty aud Implying your
heplessness. they make the bed just as it
was originally. and gloat in secret over
the pangs their tyranny will cause you.
Always after that, when they find you
have transposed the pillows, they undo
your work and thus defy you. and seek to
embitter the life that God hath given you.
Ii they cannot get the light in an incon-
venient position 10 any other way, they
move the bed.
If you pull your trunk out six inches
from the wall, so that the lid will stay up
when you open it, they always shove
that trunk back again. They do it on
purpose.
II you want the spittoon in a certain
spot, where it will be handy. they do
not. Aud SO they move It,
They always put your other boots into
inaccessible places. They chiefly enjoy
depositing them as far under the bed as
the wall will permit. It is because this
compels you to get down in an undig-
ni6cd attitude. and make wild sweeps for
them in the dark with the bootiack, and
swear
They always put the match box 10
some other place. They hunt up q new
place for it every day ; and put a bottle
Or other perishable thing, we're the box
was before. This is to cause you to break
that glass thing cropping in the dark, an
get yourself into trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the
furniture. When you come in, 10 the
night, you can calculate on finding the
bureau where the wardrobe was in the
morning; if you leave the slop bucket by
the door and the rockingchair by the win
dow, when you come in at midnight, or
thereabout you will fall over the rocking
chair, and you will proceed to the window
and sit down in the slop tub: They like
that.
No matter where you put anything,
they are not going to let it stay they
there. They will get it and move it the
first chance they get. 1t is their nature.
And besides, it gives them pleasure to be
mean and contrary this way.
They would die if they could not be
Williams.
They always save up all the old scraps
of printed rubbish you throw on the
floor, and stack them carefully on the ia
BILE, and then start the fire with your val
liable manuscripts. If there is any one
particular old scrap that you are more
down on than any her, and which you
are gradually wearing your life out try
ing to get rid of, you may take all pains
you possibly can in that direction, but it
wont bs of any use, because they will
always fetch that old scrap back and
put it in the same place again every
time. 1t does them good.
And they use more hair oil than any
six men. If charged with purloining the
same, they lie about it. What do they
care about hereafter Absolutely MOTH
ing.
They keep always coming to make up
your bed before you get up. thus Destroy
ing your rest and inficting agony upon
you, but after you get up they don't come
any more until the next day.
They do all the mean things they can
think of, and they do them out of pure
cussedness. and nothing else.
have cursed them 10 behalf of out
ragged Bachelordom. They deserved it.
If can get bill through the Legislature
abolishing chambermaids I mean to do
it.