The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-03-11

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

The cote is o koarse wooden sheep.
They have spill. .hoof aud o whole
tail.
They have a good appetite and & san
I guine digestion.
They swallo what they eat, and vii
eat emmy thing they kan bite.
Their moral karakters are not pol
ished; they had rather steal rotteI
turnip out ov a garbage box than tew
cum honestly bi pek ov oats.
The male cote haz to horns on the
ridge ov his he'd, and a mustash on his
bottom lip, and il the plug ugly ov hi.
naberhood.
A maskuline cote will fite emmy
thing from an elephant down to hi7
shadder on dead wall.
They strike from their bbt end, in.
stead ov the shoulder, and are az
likely tew hit az. a hammer IL q nail
| he'd.
| They are q hi seasoned animal; az
much so az a pound of assifidity.
They are faithful critters, and will
stick few friend az long az he lives in
shanty.
They kan Kline emmy thing but a
| ~
! az natural az wOodbine.
ones; SUM familys are half gotes and
the other haff children. They are good
eating when they are yung, but they
leave it oph az they git stronger.
They are alwus poor in the boldly,
but phatt in the stumick; what they
eat seems to all go to appetight. Yu
mite az well agree tew phatt an injun-
rubber overshoe III filling it with klam
shell, az tew raise emmy adipOze mem
brance on the outside bust Of cote.
A phatt cote would be literary Gu
riosity.
They use the same dialek az the
sheep, and the young ones speak the
language more fluently than the pa
rients do.
There IL only two animals Ov the
earth that will eat tObakko-one liz a
man, and luther liz a cote, but the
cote understands it the most, for he
swallers the spit, chaw and all.
BILE and philOsophie-lOokiDg old cuss,
and wouldn't make a bad professor
Nv arithmatick in some NV our collie
ges.
They are handy at living a long
time; reaching an advanced age with
out arriving at emmy definite konklu-
sion.
How long a cote lives without Civ
ing it up, there is no man old enough
tew tell. -
MethuZeler, if hiz memory was bad
at forgetting, mite give q goOd-siZed
guess, but unfortunately for science
and this issa, Methuzler aint here.
GOtes will live in emmy klimate and
on any vittles, except tanbark, and if
they ever cum to square death, it il q
profound secret, in the hands of few,
to this day.
l would't like to believe emmy man
under oath who had ever seen q mas
kuline cote acktually die, and stay so.
Speaking ov Methuzeler puts me in
mind ov the fakt, if a man should liv
now daZe as much as he did and only
hev one eye tew see things with, he
would hev to hev an addition built on
to the back Ov hiz he'd tew stow away
things into.
The femail cote il either the mother,
or sister or cuzzin ov the mail cote, ac-
kording tew the prevailin circumstan-
ces in the case, or else labor under o
delushun, forget which.
They Civ milk intuitively, about a
quart, before it liz watered, in II hours,
which is the subject ov nourishment, in
various ways.
The milk wich liz eXtrakted from the
fen all cote iz excellent tew finish up
yung ones on, but liz apt tew make
them bellycose and frightful.
1t liz not unkOmon for a babe, while
inhaling this pugnashus fluid, to let
oph his left, coileckshun or diggit and
ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the
the smeller, and tar it for claret.
This is common fakt among the Irish
babes, and explains the reason viii, in
after life, these same babes make such
brilliant hits.
In writing the history ov the mail
and femail cote tew adorn the pages
ov future times, i flatter myself that
have stuck tew the truth, and havn't
allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the
job.
A crate menny Ov our best bil: his
tOrians are apt to mistake opinyuns for
facts; this liz an easy mistake to make,
but when strike goose, or bedbugg,
or cote, you notis one thiIg, stay
with them. FiniS.