Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1870-04-07


note of it Why, man-and on top of all
this am to understand that you had still
more income?"
"Ha-ha-hai Why, you are only in the
suburbs of it, 90 to speak. There's my
book, The Innocents Abroad price
50 so to $500, according to the binding.
Lieten q me. Look me in the eye. Dur
ing the last four months and half, say
ing nothing Of sales before that-but just
simply during the four months and q nalf
ending March Is, 1870, we've sold ninety
i've thousand copies OF that book! Nine
ty-6ve thousandl Think of it. Average
four dollars copy, say. It's nearly four
hundred thousand dollars, nay con. get
half"
"The suffering Moses! I'll set Mst
down. Fourteen seven tifty-eight-two
hundred. Total, say-well, upon my
word, the grand total is about two hun
dred and thirteen or fourteen thousand
dollars. Is that possible
POSSIBLE! Ii there's any mistake it's
the other way. Two hundred and four
teen thousand, cash, is my income for this
year, if know how to cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to GO. il
came over me most unconiortably that
maybe had made my revelations for
nothing, besides being fattered into
stretching them considerably by the
strangers astonisked ordinations. But
noE at the last moment the gentleman
handed me . large envelope, and said it
contained his advertisement and that
would find out AL about his business
in it,
As soon as he was gone opened his ad-
vertisement studied it attcntively for
four minutes. then called up the cook
and said:
Hold me while l faint. Let Maria
turn the batter cakes"
BY -snd-by, when I came to, l sent
down TO the rum mill on the corner,
and hired an artist by the week to sit up
nights and curse that stranger, and give
me lift occasionally in the daytime when
came to hard place.
All, what miscreant he was His
advertisement was nothing in the
world but wicked tax return.
1t was plain that that stranger had en-
abled me to make an ass of myself 1t was
very, very plain, and went out and hired
another artist BY working on my vanity
the stranger had seduced me into declar-
ing An income of $214,0O0. BY law 81 900
Of this was exempt from income tax-the
only relief could See, and it was only
drop in the ocean. At the legal five per
cent must pay over to the Government
the appalling sum Of ten thousand six
hundred and fifty dollars income tax.
| may remark, in this place, that did
not do it
Lam acquainted with very opulent
man, whose house is palace, whose table
is regal, whose ontlays are enormous, yet
man who has no income, as have often
noticed, by the revenue returns and to
him | went for advice, in my distress. He
took my dreadful exhibition of receipts,
he put on his glasses he took his pen,
and presto Il was pauper! 1t was
the neAtest thing that ever was. He
did it simply BY deity manipulating the
bill Of "DBDUcTIoNs." He set down my
State, national and municipal taxes At
80 nuch !; ny "lossses by shipwrsck, fire,
&c" At 30 much my "lssses on sales of
payments for rent of homestead" -on
repairs, Improvements, interest"-on
previously taxed salary as an officer OF
.he United States army, navy, revenue
service" and other things. He got aston
ishing deductions" out OF each and every
one Of these matters-each and every one
handed me the paper, and | saw at
lance that during the year 1859 my in
come, in the way OF profits had been one
forty cents.
Now" said he, "the thousand dollars
is exempt by law. What you want to do
is to go and swear this document in, and
paw tax ON the two hundred and fifty
dollars"
While he was making this speech, his
little boy Willie lifted a two dollar green
back out Of his vest pocket and vanished
with it and | would bet anything that if
my stranger were to call on that little boy
tomorrow he would make false return
of his income.
up the deductions after this fashion in
your own case, sir?"
"Well, should say so! If it weren't
for those eleven saving clauses under the
head of Deductions / should be beg
CARED every year, to support this hateful
and wicked, this extortionats and tyran-
nical government"
This gentleman stands away up among
the very best of the solid men OF Buffalo
the men Of moral weight, Of CONNER
spotlessness and 80 bowed to his ex-
ample. went down to the revenue office,
and under the accusing eyes of my old
visitor stood up and swOre to lie af,er
lie, fraud after fraud, villainy after vii
lainy, till my immortal soul was coated
inches and inches thick with perjury and
my selfrespect was gone forever and
ever
kut what of il . II is nothing moro
than thousands Of the highest, and rich
est, and prOudest, and most respected,
honored and courtcd men in America do
every year. And so don't care. am
not ashamed. shall simply, for the pres
ent, talk little and wear fre-proof gloves,
lest fall into certain habits irrevOcably.
MARK TWAIN.
THERE is a small greyhound at Green.
field, who is very fond of dolls. The little
~,.Ia in, hn IN IF