Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-03-04
a5mmorons.

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WHAT Magazine should fisherman take?
The Rirerside.
WHAT Magazine should people fond of mu-
sic take2 Harper's.
WuAT Magazine should those who propose
going to Europe take? The Atlantic.
A TrcSlsu Position-standing upon tri-
fes.
PAY down when sou buy, and you wont
have to pay up by.and by.
The Woman Question-''Is that black hair
all your own?i
a Coon Rule-To keep good company, aud
be one Of the number.
WHEN do apprentices desire most to travel
When they become journey. men.
VANITY Fair says the three ages of SEN
aJor are Nile age, Postage, and Patron age.
PouuclANs say that it is perfectly natural
thot those who compose the ''ring should
Gght for the prize.
AN English bishop said, 'If the devil
should lose his tail, be could get another
where bad spirits are rstailed."
HOOP said, at we're punished for every
pun shed, l should not have p,my shed in
which to hide my punished head.
RALwAYs are aristocrats. They teach
every man to know his own station, and to
stop there.
"WHERE are you going to- asked one lit,
tie boy Of another. who had slipped and fall.
en- down. Going to get up, was the blunt
reply.
IEE's last trick was to throw Mrs. Parting
tons kid gaiter into the alley, and call the
old lady down from the third floor to see an
ey-gaiter
''Xny Herr, do you know what for we call
our boy Hans ~ Il do not, really" "Wen,
tell you. Der reason that we call our boy
is--it is ish name.
An Irishman, writing from the West to a
friend, remarked; Pork is so plenty here
that every third man you meet is hog"
A HAT manufacturer at Noristown claims
for himself the title of Universal Sympa,
thizer," because, he says, he has felt for every
one.
"GRIFFrTH GAUNr' is being played at Salt
Lake City. He marries fifteen innkeepers'
daughters, aud the curtain drops on their
joint felicity.
The Young Man who sang 'Fm lonely
since my mother died, - isn't quite so lonely
now. His father has married again, and his
stepmother makes it lively enough.
An EHglishman paying an Irish shoeblack
with rudeness, the dirty urchin" said: "My
honey, all the polish you have is upon your
boots, and guy you that -
A young lady being charged by a gentle
mar with having triaed with bis feelings, very
funnily, as she thought exclaimed:
well. l plead jilty."
As old lady, being asked by her minister
what she thought of the doctrine Of s'tota
deprayiiy, replied that she thoughts it very
good doctrine if people would only hive up
to it.
"WHAr fine head your bog bas!'' said an
admiring friend. "Yes, said the iond faith.
er, he's chip OF the old block; amt you
sonny i guess SO; my teacher said was
young blockhead"
WAXrED.-A paddock to match circular
quay. A ladder to scale the ''height Of ridi.
cuIous." To know the breadth of the broad.
est hints. Books to stock ''brown study. -
To know how many Scotch locbs make full
head Of hair. To know how many pints are
contained in a reef Of Turnkey quartz.
Ny dear Boratio, had very mysterious
dream.
What was it my dear?''
Il dreamed l saw you carried up to heaven
in golden chariot, surrounded by angels
clothed in white linen aud purple. What is
it sign Of dear?'
1T is sign Of foul stomach, my petl''
'WHY don't you wheel that barrow Of
GOALS Ned? said learned miner to one Of
his sons. 1t is not very hard iob-there
Is an inclined plane to relieve you. ''Ah. +"
replied Ned, who had more relish for wit
than work, the plane may be inclined, but
/ am moi.
y native of Providence complained to an
attorney at Paris that be had been cheated
by monk. What, sir," said Sauteuil
VINO was present, "a man of your years not
to know the monks? There are four things
10 the world you should always guard against
the face of woman, the hind part of a
mule the SIDE Of q cart, and monk on all
SIDES.
ERsKINE held the Great Seal for the brief
space of fourteen months, and though the
loss Of office was serious blow both to his
ambition aud his purse he could afterwards
afford to joke about it. At dinner party
Captain Parry was asked what be and bis
crew lived upon during the Arctic winter
We lived chiefly on seals. "And very
good living too, said Erskine, ''if you only
keep them long enough.
Az illiterate negro preacher said to his con.
grega'0n: Ay oTedren when de fust man
Adam was made, he was OBJ wet clay, and set
mp agin de palings to dry.
DO you say, said one of the congrega,
ton, dat Adam was made OBJ wet clay, an
set up agin the palings to dry?" "Yes, sar.
do" Who made de palings?' ~ "Git down.
sar, said the preacher sternly; "such cues
tons as dat vonld n,,s.t - .. -,
ogy."
The editor Of an Iowa paper called on his
chinese washwoman and tried to coax her
into taking hold of his under garments
"Printee man dirty shirt was Ike ID: no
get cleaneei serubee skin off hands; inkee de
d-l to clean of. No want washee for
printee; cbargee two dollar dozen: cu,s
EN-,
CREHILLoN, the French dramatist, an
noyed to see his son adopt literary career.