The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-07-22
The Josh Billings Papers.
ALoosE BILT EPISTLE.

Excuse this peripatetick letter.
lam q vagrant, and wanderer on
the trail ov literature, and write letters
just rs i spit, not knowing which way
the wind blows, nor WHARF the saliva
iz a going tew land.
want harnessed young enuff tew
be kind i'm all harness.
Mi disposishun waz one ov the kind
that ought tew hav bin made tew turn
a grind stun, instead ov that, / waz
chasing butterfiize, around everybody's
mud-hOle, in our naborhood, and didn't
hoe emmy korn. ..i.., ..'i .
The oblique consequentz ov this waz,
that i never had emmy tape-line in me,
and never knu the square root ov en-
nything, unless it waz ova prarie hogs
nOZe.
This liz unfortunate fur me, and fur
Others to, for mite hav bin good Ialr
shumaker, if had bin waxed properly,
in mi mellow years, instead now ov
being Toor ink spatterer fur q gooo
paper.
If had boy now, who had emmy
symptoms ov cholery infantum ABOUT
him, or emmy kind Of lawlesss unhxed,
and fluX noshuns, and who didn't seem
few kare whether he ever amounted
tew emmy thing or not, and who could
not tell WHARF he waz last night till
haff past two this morning, and who
wanted tew go into Dizziness fur him.
self, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov
two bottles of Phalon's extrakt, and a
mustasb, that resembled the mold on a
pound of limberger cheese, would say
confidenshally tn him:
",S1n: hav bin tew blame thus far
in frameing yure timber, but yu kan
bet them patient leather boots yu hav
on, and witch haint bin paid for yet,
that from now hereafter, yu hav got
tew begin agin, and weed out yure gar
din sass, and sucker yure grape vine,
and plough up yure wild oats, and un-
derdrain yure swamp land, and bush
hook yure briar patch, and fix yure
farm for krop Ov sum kind Ov grain
that will not disgrace both son and
daddy, when it IL brought tew mar
ket."
This liz the way would converse
with the young Billings, and if he
didn't begin in ten minutes, tew take
an akount ov hiz bad diets, but begin
tew argy the pint with me, and ackt
yung rooster up and down in front ov
me, mi strong impreshun liz now, that
j would retreat a step and let fly my
left purswader, aud land that boy sum
60 feet further oph than he waz.
1t would hav bin six hundred dollars
in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropist
about thirty years ago, had got my
knob i'm chancery, and not given up
the ease till he had punched out of mi
he'd the fresh water noshun that the
best way tew follow blind trail in the
wilderness waz not tew take emmy COM
pass.
This kind ov ded sure knowledge,
amung fresh yung men, haz landed
four hundred out ov evry five hundred
ov them, before they had got half way
thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the
other hundred have sot out the close
ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the
hard work they1fd, lin their younger
daze, tew make phools ov them
sells.
| kno il liz az easy az chawing gum,
for yung institution Ov a boy, who
haZ got burning-fluid natur, tew be
anxious tew jine all the torch-light do
ings in the country, and tew hOller
"amenn before the prayer liz haff
through; but feel it my duty tew tell
these camphene children tew cork up
their liteDing.
don't want emmy body's boy Billy
tcw he a ded he'd; a skim-miik cheeze;
Il colporter of water Cruel; putty
Labelling; kurl-papered russery doll
an appointed anatomy blonde; timid
corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov
bug, and satisfied with kitten.
aint voting for this breed Ov boys;
only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew
make up their minds, from the expert
ences ov those who have observed the
elephant, that youth waz given them,
not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not to
lead, but few foller; not tew harvest
but tew plant.
There iz no danger i'm turninga a snaik
loose; even before he gifts fairly haired |
out, natur teaches him tew make his
fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz
last one. She makes him a snaik from
the word go, and nothing else, and if
he takes noshun tew go tew the devil
who cares?
But ov all the most deplorabel luck
that kan be the inheritance Ov cam
phene boy, don't kno ov a more dam
gcrous one than few be hiz own mas
ter, or the master Ov hiZ daddy.
| hav known sum ov theZe eXcen>
tricks that Satan couldn't ketch, who
have lodged him successfully for the
whole ov their lives, but kan tell yu,
mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match
yourself against the devil, even if you
hav ded soft thing. This beating the
devil at his own game, is like surviv-
ing the small pox, but yu are sure tew
show some ov the dents.
Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not
intended tew be personal, they would
not fit you emmy more than a side
saddle would fit the back stretch of
trottin track, for know you hav bin
broke tew stand without tieiDg.