Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-06-30
Humorous Readings.

"A thrilling tale-the rattlesnake's.
Our language is fast becoming SLAM
guage.
-"scrambled hair" is the latest fash
ienable agony.
The best brand of snuff for weak
lungs is fresh air.
"A business which always soots-the
chimney sweepers.
-Rations that one can seldom live up
on-aspirations.
Next to death, lemonade with "stick"
in it is ssid to be the greatest leveler.
When is a tombstone like tallow
dip When it is set up for a late hus-
band. - -s
What torture can topper best en-
dure Being branded.
Nashville displays such handsome
hearses that patients from all parts OF the
State are pushing thither to be buried.
If you want to run for Office next fall,
nominate yourself at once, and pitch
right into the chaldron with vim.
If Won see Jones at the theatre with
a young lady, yell out Hello, Jones,
how is your wife % Jones viii think 1t
funny.
i'm the dining room no gentleman
will sit on the table, nor is it polite TO get
under it until to drunk to sit in chair
"A loving wife at Long Branch said !:
+" The horrid surf makes me keep my
mouth shut" Sarcastic husband 4" Take
some of it home with you"
"A clergyman of Putnam, Conn, re-
Gently married couple on the cars,
without the other passengers having any
knowledge or suspicion of the transaction.
Young ladies, always give precedence
to age, and never go to the wash-tub if
| your mother or grandmother are present !;
they might consider it disrespectful.
Mrs. Twiggs-" Good gracious, John
you've been drinking" Mr.. Twiggs-
"Nora drop, my dear, noradrop. I've
only come up by the epvated railway"
-Punchinello.
-" Grandpa, did you know that the
United States has been in the habit of en-
couraging tories?" What kind of
tories % "Territoriesi Now give me
some peanuts or I'll catch the measles"
"A certain fop, who was arguing with
a bluff clergyman ON the Immortality of
the soul, asked him: "Now where do you
think shall 60 after death 7" "Wher-
ever your tailor goes" was the calm
reply.
J.! Madame" said a cross NJ. ID. to q
pat:ens, "if women were admitted to prae-
tice, their tongues would soon make 1t a
purgatory." T'And some physicians, If
allowed to practice" retorted the lady,
"would soon make it 6 desert"
aTWaiter, I'll take my hat" said gen
tieman ct ball one evening, as he was
@oing home. "What kind OF a hat is II,
Ie = "a brand new one-I bought II
sir ling" "Well, sir" said the
this mor- "a good hats have been gone
waiter, "all L.
for two hours" -, -.
When a Scotch L. I'D two hours
neighbor that he had preach, neighbor
and half the day before, the tired
said: "WhY, minister, are you nos ~
to death ?" saw nae," said he, II W.
fresh as rose but it would have done
your heart good to see how tired the con-
gregation was"
"A hackman at Newport. gained the
custom of the Friends, at the late yearly
meeting, by saying thee, but ruined his
chances by asking, where's thou's bag
gage z"
Here is the way in which they ad-
vertise the qualifications of situation
seeker in Brigham Young's domain: "He
is matchmaker by trade, faithful man
and saint, and is willing to help build
mp Zion"
Nom, here's $4,000 / want you 10
invest for me in - stock" said a mer-
chant to an old school-mate who is now a
broker in Wall street "Very well, Sam,
I'll do it; but yen just take long look
at it first, "Why?" Because you'll
never see it again" And he never did.
An intelligent youth, recently en-
gagged in a commercial office, made ont
shipping bill for ''fourty" barrels of flour.
His employer called his attention to an
error in the spelling of forty. "Sure
enough" replied the promising clerk, Il
left out the gh."
"A man in Indiana brought suit for
divorce against his wife, gained his case,
and then applied to her for money to pay
the expenses. She gave it to him, and in
a fit of gratitude he offered TO marry her
again, but she declined.
-"Ob, ma 4 map exclaimed four
year-old urchin, who had just eaten
green apple. 'Pve swallowed an Odd
Fellow !" "An Odd Fellow What do you
mean ?" "Yes, ma, an Odd Fellow, and
he's giving me the grip9
"A New Orleans topper argues that In
toxication is the only safe condition, be-
cause a neighbor of his was drunk for two
weeks and went through many perils safe
civ. but was killed the morning after he
became sober.
An Arkansas paper says, 1--WE had two
great shocks in Arkadelphia last week,
one of which was the empanelling, for the
first time, of negro jury, and the ether