Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1870-03-11
BILES.
BY "sHANGHAI CHANDLER"
"Doukle. double, boil and trouble"
IMAcBETa's WITcHEs-inlprooed

IMAcBEra's WITcHEs-ineprooed.
Who never had boils? Boils are biles.
There is no need of telling anybody who
ever had 'em what they are. To those
who never raised any, this chapter is ded-
icated.
Biles are fruit, which grow on the
human body and limbs. Some think them
the fruit of sin, visited on this generation
on account of our great -grandfathers
having sympathised with King George the
Third and his tory crew during the Revo-
lutionary war, or having breached-prom-
ised and married the wrong girl, or done
some other base act.
These fruits were first propagated by the
personal devil, who engrafted them onto
Job, freeholder ofsUz, township in
Asia, adapted to stock-raising. Job didn't
like the fruit at all, and fain would have
scraped them off with potsherd-a
species of pruning knife unknown to
Tuttle. Though Job was himself free
from sin, being perfect and upright, ac-
cording to the testimony of the devil
himself, yet his second batch of sons and
daughters are supposed to have kept ON
raising them and entailed them on posteri-
ty for the same reason that modern
farmers raise thistles-because they can't
help it.
Biles are like misfortunes. In this:
that they seldom come singly. Biles are
misfortunes, themselves. If you don't be-
lieve it, try box. When you have
one on one end, fortify yourself for the
probability of having the other end af-
fiicted also. That is, if you have bile
on your foot, you'll stand q right smart
chance to have one on your nose or
neck or thereabouts This is especially
true of the eye-biles, called styes; except
that styes never grow on the other end.
But who ever knew anybody to have one
stye, without having more9 Might as
well have expected to find one Siamese
twin, and not see his brother-before they
were chopped apart. .,. ~
Nothing is as sore as bile. An eagle
can't soar like bile. They always cohle
in the worst place. Have one on your
shoulder, and you'll wish it was on your
arm or leg; and 0ace gersG. Philosophers
have made grave research into the matter
of the best location of biles. But they
never settled the question. We have.
The best place for us to have q bile, is
onto Henry Noyes; and we wish just SO
and rs cts. worth that this big one on our
shoulder was on his nose. He could stand
it. He is tough, and hath fortitude into
him. Then, too, he can enjoy religion
with 'em. We can't. Widow Bedott de-
clared @
sit amt our natur to enjoy
Religion all the time J"
All of which we steadfastly believe; and
this is the very time with us. And in all
this we sin not with our hps-no more
than Job did in chap. ii. verse 10. Per
haps not so much; for we don't open our
mouth and curse ouI day,-if we do think
few on the bile.
Biles made Job eloquently peevish.
They make us cross as bear. We have
for the past half hour searched all through
the book of Job for words of consola-
tion. Can find but one sentence that
makes any impression on u.s. That's a
conundrum-- chap. vi, v. II: And what
is mine end?" We've guessed it: In dam
ger of having another on it. One is just
taking shape, right on the crown of our
head. Perhaps they'll prevent fevers
and other ills that meat is heir to: but as
for us, let us possess typhoid fever,
typhus ditto, lung ditto, brain ditto, ship
ditto, yellow ditto, also scarlet, blue,
green, black, brindle, bay and intermit-
tent, together with diptheria, and the bots,
rather than have any more biles, unless
we can have 'em, as aforesaid, on Henry
Moves nose or shin.
That's one kind. Noah Webster de.
scribes it as "a circumscribed subcutane.
Gus Inflammation, characterized by a point.
ed pustular tumor, and suppurating with
central core; peruncutus." And if he
could have thought of any more mean
names to have called 'em, no doubt he'd
have applied them.
Let no man Familiarity slap us on our
right shoulder shift when we get up town
We've got peruncutus on it.
Gen. jackson said, "By the Eternal, no
more banks!" With equal vehemence
we demonstrate against any more biles-
except on Hank Noyes, who larfs at US
Bdrdboo Herald