Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1870-08-25
Humorous Readings.

A young fellow of 1O1, from the back
woods, is in Pittsburg, seeing the sights
and going to the theatres.
The Chicago Board of Alderman is
a body which the members attend drunk,
and throw inkstands at each other.
One would think from the assumptions
Of some clergymen that the gate OF heav-
en- only opened at their bidding.
Gran. at Long Branch, on the beach, is
sometimes a fish in the water, but his
Secretary of State is always fish out OF
water.
Official dog poisoning having been CIV
en- up at Detroit, the sagacious animals
get under the street cars to be killed.
An Irishman who was found guilty of
stealing lot of coffee, was asked by the
magistrate what he did with it. 'Made
tay of it."
A Philadelphian held a wild revel on
carbonic acid, thinking it ginger beer.
The coroner sat on him as soon as the er-
ror was noticed.
The time of a Pittsburg court is being
wasted in trying to find out whether two
IA year old children who have nice baby
are married or not.
In a $4,000 action for libel against an
Illinois editor, the court awarded the
plaintiff three quarters of cent. 1t
broke the newspaper man.
Newark is favored by the presence of
General Littlefinger of Kentucky, who is
20 years old, weighs thirty pounds, and is
n inahes in,
1t is said that the reason there are so
many mutton heads in existence, is to be
found, in the fact that such a number of
children are perfect little lambs"
A quack doctor in Virginia has run
away with six damsels at once. Their
objective point is supposed to be Utah.
He sent his wife TO North Carolina.
The Portland AdoertiSer suggests that
the fishes tamper with the Atlantic ca
bles, which may account for the doubtful
odor of some of the war rumors.
An Indiana man has gone hence through
the agency of moving machine; he
served through the war unhurt and es-
capped drowning three times.
A Rochester man, JEALOUS of his wife
and male bosrder, took a fearful re-
venge on his spouse. He threw her wa
terfan and best bonnet out of the win
dow.
Dos Angeles was lively one day lately.
Four murders, one suicide and the nom
fatal poisoning OF a household of people
comprised, the reasonable novelties.
Rev. Professor at Amherst woke up
drowsy audience on a recent Sunday,
by putting them through the exercise of
singing hymn in the middle of his ser
mon.
! colored woman carried off the prize
from the State Fair Of Texas, for the best
specimens of dentistry. She inserted
full SET, gratuitously, IN the Secretary's
hand.
A Toledan was severely choked by his
undutiful son TO prevent him from drink
ing arsenic in his coffee. The old man
whipped in the end, and he now sleeps in
the valley.
Half an ounce of strychnine, as a pro-
phylactic, administered to d dog every
few minutes, Kill he 10 longer pays arten-
rion to you, it is said, will prevent his n.y.
drophobing.
New York saloonists, arrested for keep
ing open Sunday. now claim to open Just
to feed the cauaries." Those canaries are
five feet odd inches high aud mostly take
whisky.
A gentleman in Indiana says. in a note
accompanying a letter for publication in
the Louisville Courier J0uraal Il sum-
times mi-s-spell a word, aud It's possible I
have spelt sicaf4nt roug."
Maine is blessed with a base ball club
which has adopted the simple and melo-
dious name OF Passaga-sawakeag They
never can get that name into the bag
along with the bats and things.
Mr.. Case, Of kentucky, courted fair
widow and was mittened. Then he shot
at her four times, and she married him.
Then she had him placed in durance for
the attempted murder, which il called
sad Case.
A Missourian visiting Iowa for recre-
alton, amused himself by stealing horse
and shooting a sheriff His next feat vas
suspension from a lofty window by the
insertion of his neck into the blight of a
rope.
A China man just arrived at San Fran
cisco, was too much Of a lion among the
Celestian bellies TO suit his country men,
so they have quietly amputated his head
with clegver, and sent him back TO
Hong Kong in q coffin.
A Georgia neighborbood is discussing
the claw point" whether a man has a
right TO put rattlesnalzes in his strawberry
patch to guard them from bis neighbor's
children, one youngster having lost his
life from such a constabuiary.
Some wise physicians in New York
have decided that many victims of sun
stroke, owe their deaths more 10 soda
water than the heat. Next we shall hear
that Ottawa beer is killing its thousands,
and pop its tens Of thousands.
The gas having gone out at an evening
prayer meeting, IN an Indiana church. the
congregation were very much scsBdalized
by an irreverent auditor, who deepeDed
the solemnity Of the occasion by whistling
"Shoo Fly"
A Cincinnati woman desiring 70 make
away with herself, laid in a lot of opium,
a revolver, a double barrelied gun,
pistol and a razor, and began She had
only time 10 take the opium and shoot
herself once before she was arrested.
A preacher in New York, infuriated at
the reports of his sermons, called the re-
porters present, "a mean set of dirty set
Of newspaper Gars," from the pulpir, on a
recent Sunday, which they Offset by call
ing his the Church Of the Infuriated Pro-
phet.
An irreyerent lawyer, having insulted
Judge Pitzer, of the California bench,
His Honor descended, seized a cane, and
to the attorney a severe
fogging. The Judge resumed his seat,
and bade the whipped pleader to proceed
with his remarks.
A Chicago da1nsel, whose "suriculsr sp-
were unlike in size aud terribly
misshapen, has prevailed upon surgeon
TO pare them down to the ordinary form:
She now rejoices over two ''pretiy ears"
and a "figuring" IN the fertile divorce
courts of that borough.
An English lords valet, who came 70
this country few years ago, settled down