Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1870-11-02
An Essay on Chambcrmaids by Mark
Twain.

Against all chambermaids. of whatev
err age or nationality, launch the curse
of bachelordom!
Because:
They always put the pillows at the OPP
posite end of the bed from The gas burn
err, so that while you read and smoke
before sleeping las is the ancient and
honored custom of bachelors), you have
to hold your book aloft, in an uncomfort
able position, to keep tie light from daz
cling your eyes,
When they find the pillow removed
to the other end of the b. ! in the morn
ing, they receive not the suggestion in a
friendly spirit. but clarifying in their alb
solute sovereignty, ard Implying your
helpessness, they make the bed just as
it was Origin ally, and gloat in secret over
the pang their tyranny Will cause you:
Always after that, when they find
you have transported the pillows, they
undo your work. and thus defy you and
seek to embitter the life that God hath
! given you.
If they cannot get the light in an in
convenient position any othcr way, they
move the bed.
Ii you pull your trunk out six inches
from the wall so that the lid will stay
up when you open it, they always shove
that trunk back sga,D. They do it on
purpose.
Ii you want spittoon in certain
spot where it will be handy. they don't.
And so they move it.
They always put your boots into in.
accessible places. They chiefly enjoy
deposlting them as far under the bed as
the wall will permit. 1t is because this
compels you to get down in an undigni
fed attitude. and make wild sv eeps for
them in the dark with the booi;acs, and
swear.
They always put the match box N
some other place. They hunt up new
place for it every day. and put bottle,
or other perishable glass things, where
the box stood before. This is to cause
you to break that glass thing. cropping
in tue dark, aud get yourself into trou.
| bic.
They are forever aud ever moving the
furniture. When you come in, in the
night, YOU can calculate on finding the
bureau where the wardrobe WIS in
the morning. And when you go
out in the morning, if you leave
the sIop bucket by the door. and
the rocking chair by the window, you
will fall over the rocking chair, and you
will proceed to the window, ard sit down
in the slop bucket. This will disgust
you. They like that.
No matter where you put anything,
they are not going to let it stay there.
They will take it and move it the first
chance they get.
1t is their nature. And besides it
gives them pleasure to De mean and
contrary,
They always save up all the old scraps
of printed rubbish you throw on the
floor, and stack them up carefully on
the table, and then start the fire with
your valuable manuscripts. If there is
any one particular old scrap that you
are more down on than any other, and
which you gradually wear your life out
trying to get rid of, you may take all
pains you possibly can in that direction,
but it won't be of any use, because they
will always bring the old scrap back,
and put il in the same old place again
every time. 1t does them good.
And they use more hair oil than any
six men. If charged with purloining
the same, they lie about it. What do
they care about hereafter9 Absolute
Iy nothing.
They keep always coming to make you.
bed before you get up, thus destroying
your rest and Inflicting agony on you,
but after you get up, they doa't come
again till the next day.
They do all the mean things they can
think of, and they do them cut of pure
cussedness, aud nothing else.
Chambermaids are dead to every hui
man instinct.
have cursed them in. behalf of out
ragged bacbeIordom. They deserve it,
If can get bill through the legisla-
ture abolishing ehambermaids, l mean TO
do it.
| tE ~ kenFt