South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1870-08-19
WIT AND IIUNIolS.

quirc whether it was Indian mail or corn
mail that was wanted.
cS Soft soap, in some shape, plcuses
all and generally speaking, the moro lyc
you put into it the better.
EFM Mrs Miffins says her daughter is
worse than misfortunc-Shc's calamity.
When man runs for office, what
kind of Bwectmcats does he become? A
candidate.
Young women often keep their low
crs by tears. yes says Grumwig: Love
like beef, is preserved by briuc.'
cS-A vulgar mason, who had become
rich by the recent demolition in Paris, was
anxious to marry his only son to ono of the
daughters Of marquis. Il wish you would
let my son marry ono of your girls said
he: Certainly said tho marquis; (which
does he want-the girl in the kitchen, Or
the girl that washes p
Once upon time, a vagabond ped
Ter appeared in secluded village, and call
ed the people round him by ringing big
bell. When his audience had become suf
hc'ently largo, no stopped ringing in order
to mako his announcement; 'All you young
women here with small mouths will have
husband Tho spinstcrs present purscd
and puckered up their lips, and murmurcd,
Dear me what pretty little man -
Then no rung his bell again, with still more
startling emphasis, and said in his deepest
and loudcst tones: "Audall you young wo.
men here with large mouths will have Two y
Instantly the lips were stretched to their
utmost width, and from them all came the
wondering exclamation, Law!'
Wr'Namcs are things was the irisylla-
bic remark of celebrated British states
man. Even SO in Maryland. Lawyer -
was candidate for tho Legislature On
on election tour through tho northern por-
ton OF Hartford county no stopped at the
house of an old farmer, who asked him what
he was. Tho lawyer, not knowing tho far
mors politics, and wishing to be on the
safe side, answered, after moments hest
tation, that he was q democratic Rcpub
lican.' "A what?' "A Democratic Re-
publican repeated the legal gentleman
well, sir, said tho man of the soil, slow
~, Il am very fond of turkey, uc,y; but
l don't like turkey buzzard '-Harpcr's
Magazine.
GSIn Tarnaqua, the Mountain City of
Pennsylvania, has resided for many years
an old colored individual, by occupation q
barber, who was one day complaining of his
sutfcrings from dyspepsia, and attributed
his siircns to The fact Of having no teeth,
by which he was unable properly to masti-
cate his food.
well, Simon said by-stander, why
don't you get set of false teeth? They
would ct cost you much
fFalsc tccf" exclaimed Simon cob, no, |
sab no you don't! I'sc had jest all de
tccf l want in my mouf! Use suffered moro
wild dc toofache den ever did wild do 'spep-
sy, ar was glad cnuf TO-. to git shot Of
my teef! You don't git no moro tcef into
my mouf-no, eah !-U.
A CoRoNER's MISTAKE AND ITS NEAR
LY FATAL CONSEQUENCES Thcrc is scarce
]y an incident in life that hasn't its Iudi-
crous side. Even those who have to view
the sad evidences Of mortality occasionally
find a strange, weird humor creeping into
their solemn duties. This was illustrated
few days since in an inquest held by
New Orleans coroner. lie bad been called
upon to view the body of an infant which
had died from commissions. There was
something in the surroundings Of the pre-
misses and the deceased which induced tue
coroner to believe that the child was colorcd.
'Who is the mother Of this babe? 2 in
quired the official of good looking white
woman present.
ME she replied, her face at the same
time assuming all the appearance Of ma
tcrnal grief
'Why, it's niger r exclaimed tho cor
oncr, in an excess of astonishment.
What! the woman screamed, my dead
baby niger 7 and, without more ado,
she seized bottomless chair, and, to use an
expressive cxplctivc, made for tue coroner.
There was no time for argument, no
means of defence ut hand, and tho official
fled Close at his heels came the virago,
brandishing her chair, and screaming at