The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1870-03-24
Josh Billings on Matrimony.

Marriage IL fair transaction on the lace oV
II IL an old institushun; older than the pyra-
mids, and az phull of hyrogliphicks that no.
body kan parse.
History holds its tongue who the pair waz
who fust put on the. .silken harness, and prom
ised tew work kind in it, thru thick and thin,
up hill and down, and on the level, rain or
shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown
or fote.
But whoever they waz, they must have made
good thing out ov it, or so menny oy their
posterity would not hav harnessed up since
and drov out.
Thare il crate moral grip in marriage; it
liz the mortar that holds the soshull bricks to-
gether.
But there amt but darn few pholks, who put
their money in matrimony who could set down
and give good written opinyun viii on arth
they cum to did it.
This iz a crate proof that it IL one ov them
natral kind ov acksidents that must happen,
list az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav
feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why.
Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their
mistake; this IL lucky.
Sum marry for money, and-don't see it.
Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for SIX
months, and then very sensbly cum tew the
conclusion that pedigree amt no better than
skimmilk.
Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and
are surprized tew learn that their relashuns
don't care cuss for them atterward.
Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted
sum WHARF else this il a cross match, bay
and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable.
Sum marry for love without cent in their
pocket nor friend in the world, nor drop
CIV pedigree. This looks desperate, butt tS the
strength ou the game.
If marrying for love amt a success, then
matrimony IL a ded beet.
Sum marry because they think wimmin will
be scarce next year, and live tew wonder how
the crop holds out.
Sum marry tew get rid of themselves, and
discover that the game waz one that two could
play at, ard neither win.
Sum marry the second time to get even, and
find it a gambling game, the more they put
down the less they take up.
Sum marry tcw be happy, and not finding 1t,
wonder where all the happiness goes to when 1t
dies
Sum marry, they can't tell why, and live,
they can't tell how. ,.
Almost every boldly gets married, and it is
good joke.
Sum marry in haste, and then sit down and
think it carefully over.
Sum think it over careful fust, and then set
down and marry.
Both ways are right, if they hit the mark.
Sun marry rakes tew convert them: This IL
little risky, and takes smart missionary to
do it.
Sum marry coquetts. This il like buying a
Door farm, heavily mortgaged, and working the
balance ov yure days to clear oph the mort
cages. 80,
Married life haz its chances, and this IS just
what gives it its flavor Every boldly luvs tew
phool with the chances, bekause every boldly
eXpekts tew win. But l am authorized tew
state that every boldly don't win.
But, after all, married life IL full az certain
az the dry goods bizzness. -,
No man kan swear exackly WHARF he will
fetch up when he touches calico.
Kno man kan tell jst what calico haz made
up its mind tew do next.
Calico don't kno even herself.
Dry goods ov all kinds IL the child ov cir
cumstansis
Sum never marry, but this il jist ez risky !;
the diseazc il the same, with no other name to
it.
The man who stands on the bank shivering,
and dassent, il more apt tcw ketch cold than
him who pitches hiz he'd fust into the river.
Ihare IL but few VINO never marry pekause
they ,con'--they all banker, and most ov them
starve with slices of bread before them (sprcad
on both Sides, jist for the lack ov grit.
Marry yung ! IL mi motto.
1 hav tried it, and kno what l am talkin
about.
If enny bodily asks yu viii yu got marrid,
(if it needs be- tell him, gu don't recotleA.
Marriage il a safe way tew gamble-it yu
win, yu win.a pile, and if yu leze, yu don't
lozc emmy thing, only the privilege ov living
dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet.
repeat it, in italicks, marry yung
Thare IL but one good excuse for marriage
late in life, and that id second marriage.