The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1870-07-01
THE LATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.
BY MARK TWAIN.

Never put on till tomorrow what you can
do day after tomorrow just rs well.-B. FL
This party was one of those persons
| whom they call Philosophers. He was
twins, being born simultaneously in two
different houses in the city of Boston.
These houses remain unto this day, and
have signs upon them worded in accord
ance with the facts. The signs are con-
| sidered well enough to have, though not
necessary, because the inhabitants point
out the two birth-places to the stranger
anyhow, and sometimes as often as sew
| eral times in the same day The subject
| of this memoir was of vicious dispo-
sition, and carly prostituted his talents
to the invention of maxims and aphor-
isms calculated to iHflict suffering upon
the rising generations of all subsequent
ages. His simplest acts, also. were coll
trived with a view TO their being held
up for the emulation of buys forever
boys who might otherwise have been
happy. 1t was in this spirit that he be-
came the son of soap-boiler; and prob
ably for no other reason than that the
efforts of all future boys who tried 10 be
anything might be looked upon with
suspicion unless they were the sons OF
soap-boilers. With malevoience which
is without parallel in history, he would
work all day and then sit up nights and
let on to be studying algebra by the
light of smouidering fire, so that ali
other boys might have to do that also or
else have Benjamin Franklin thrown up
TO them. Not satisfied with these pro-
ceedings, he had a fashion of living
wholly on byead and wafer, and studying
astronomy at meal time-a thing which
has brought affection to millions of boys
since, whose fathers had read Franklin's
pernicious biography.
XWrll rNFa anNRNrN rTkW
toward boys. Nowadays a boy cannot
follow out a single natural instinct with
out tumbling over some of those ever
lasting aphorisms and hearing from
Franklin on the spot. If he buys two
cents worth of peanuts, his father says,
"Remember what Franklin has said, my
SONIA groat days O penny year :"
and the comfort is all gone out of those
peanuts. If he wants TO spin his top
when he is done work, his father quotes,
'.Procrastination is the thief of time"
II he does virtuous action he never
gets anything for it, because "Virtue Is
its own reward" And that boy is
bounded to death and robbed of his
natural rest, because Franklin said once
in one of his inspired flights of malign-
ity-
Early to bed and early to rise
Make a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
AS if it were any object to boy to be
healthy and wealthy and wise on such
terms. The sorrow that that maxim has
cost me through my parents expert
menting on me with it, tongue cannot
tell. The legitimate result is my pres
ent state of general debility, indulgence
and mental alteration. My parents
used to have me up before nine O'Clock
in the morning, sometimes, when l was
boy. If they had let me take nv ma
tural rest, where would L have been
now? Keeping store, no doubt, and re-
spected by all.
And what an adroit old adventurer
the subject of this memoir was! In or
der to get chance to fly his kite on
Sunday, he used to hang key on the
string and let on to be fishing for light
ming. And guileless public would go
home chirping about the wisdom" and
| the "genius" of the hoary Sabbath
breaker. If anybody caught him play
ing "mumble-peg" by himself. after the
age of sixty. he would Immediately APP
pear 10 be ciphering out how the grass
grew-as if it was any of his business.
My grandfather knew him well, and he
says Franklin was always fXed-always
ready. If body, during his old age,
happened on him unexpectedly when
he was catching flies, or making mud
pies, or sliding on cellar door. he
would Immediately look wise, and zip
out maxim, and walk off with his nose
in the air and his cap turned wrong side
before, trying TO appear ahsent-minded
and eccentric. He was hard lot.
He invented a stove that would smoke
your head off i'll four hours by the clock.
One can see the almost devilish salts
faction he took i'll it, by his giving it his
name.
He was always proud of telling how
he entered Philadelphia, for the first
time, with nothing in tile world bui two
shillings In his pocket and four rolls OF
bread under his arm. But really, when
you come to examine it critically, it was
nothing. Anybody could have done il.
To the subject of this memoir belongs
the honor of recommending the army
to go back to bows and arrows in place
of bayouets and muskets. He observed.
with his customary force, that the bay
onet was very well, under some circum-
stances, but that he doubted whether il
could be used with accuracy at long
range.
Benjamin Franklin did a great many
noble things for his country, and made
her young name TO be houored in many
lands as the mother of such son. II
is not the idea of this memoir to ignore
that OF cover it up. No; the simple
maXims of his, which he worked up
with u great show of originality out OF
truisms that had become wearisome
platitudes as early as the dispersion
| from Babel and also to snub his stove,
and his military inspiration, his unseem-
ly endeavOr to make himself conspicu
Gus when he entered Philadelphia, and
his flying his kite and fooling away his
| time in all sorts of such ways, when he
1 u. r..
fat, or constructing candles. [ merely
desired to, do away with somewhat of
the prevalent calamitous idea among
| heads of families that Franklin acquired
his great genius by working for moth
| ing, studying by moonlight, and getting
| up in the night instead of waiting till
morning like Christian, and that this
programme, rigidly inflicted, will make
a Franklin of every fathers fool. 1t is
| time these gentlemen were finding out
| that these execrabIe eceentriciIies Of in
stinct and conduct are only the Evidences
| of genius, not the creators oft. wish
had been the father of my parents
long enough TO make them comprehend
this truth. and thus prepared to let their
son have an easier time of ii. When
was child / had to boil soap, notwith-
standing my father was wealthy, and
| had to get up early and study geom etry
".
and do everything just as Franklin did,
in the solemn hope that | would be
Franklin some day. And here ] am
Galaxy.
TEA AND CoFFEE.-HaEs Journal of
Hedith advocates the moderate use OF
tea and coffee at meals, aud denounces
cold water aud alcoholic beverages.
| Tea and coffee for supper and break fast
add to human health and strength, if
only single cup be taken at each meal,
aud is never increased in strength, fire.
quency, or quantity. If they were
mere stinuIants, they would, in course
of time, become either Inert or positive
Iy injurious. But science and expert
ence unite in declaring fea and coffee to
be Nutritious as we'll as stimu!ant :;
hence they do new good to the system
every day, to the end of life, just as
bread and fruits do. The habitual use
of tea and coffee at the first and last
meals of the day, has another high adj
vantage-is productive of incalculable