The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-07-19

Bay- An Irishman ordered his body to
be opened after death, as he was afraid
of being buried alive. Z.
Bdg~ An old lady was asked what she
thought of the eclipse: She replied:
" Well, it proved one thing, and that is,
that the papers don't always lie"
RsB~ A young man taking home era
die was met by friend who said, Z" be-
hold the fruit of matrimony". Oh no,
this is only the fruit basket was the re-
ply.
ray Teachcr-What is reptile !?
Pupil An animal that creeps.
T.-Name one.
PA baby
Deg~ A poet wrote Of his departed love,
awe will hallow her grave with our
tears" but the wicked printer set it up,
" We will harrow her grave with our
steers"
Bsg~ Hungry diner" Trouble you
for some more bread, landlord | always
eat good deal of bread with my meat
Landlord" SO | see sir ! and a good
deal Of meat with your bread"
Bsiy" " No, DEAR" said a mendacious
husband to his wife, "you never catch
any lies coming out of my mouth" " You
may well say that" replied the wife;
= they fly out so fast that nobody can
catch en-"
pSg@ An affectionate husband once said
All, dear doctor, how is my wife to day 2"
The doctor shook his head and replied,
You must prepare for the worst, ''What
said the husband, " do you think she is
likely to get over it 7"
Rsge a lady whose husband, an officer
in the army, was ordered to Fort Larned
since the Indian troubles, refuse to accom-
pany him, as she had but very little hair
on her head, but what she had she prefer
ed to keep"
pSga WHAT NEXT "A sign on an eat,
ing house on New Jersey railroad says
" Coffee and fresh laid eggs by Mrs.
Jones" We hardly expected this would
be the next thing but women are con-
tinually striking out in new directions.
Now what is to be done with the chickens.
pegn Lawyer--How do you identify
this handkerchief?
Witness-By its general appearance
and the fact that have others like it,
Counscl-Thut's no proof, for l have
got one just like it in my pocket.
Wtness-I don't doubt that, as | had
more than one Of the same sort stolen.
Bg3~ In little town out west lady
teacher was exercising class Of Juveniles
in mental arithmetic. She commenced
the question, If you buy COW for ten
dollars when up went little hand
WHAT'S it Johny?' Why you can't
buy no kind Of a COW for ten dollars
father sold one for sixty dollars the other
day and she was Il regular old scrub at
that! p
Deg' I'm Boston, early on the morning
Of Independence Day, the neighbors heard
prodigious rumpus in a house occupied
by childless old couple, and on going
to see, found the old man thrashing his
wife terrifcally. He explained as fol
lows: " Look here I've been lvin with
this tormentn' old woman nie Oh on tC
It. forty years, and she has been henpeckin
Of me all the time, and now, this bein'
the Fougth of July, by the Lord I've
declared my independence"
Re5~ A Nevada Editor in discoursins
upon the common dreadfully com
mon" practice Of kissing a bride, says
with good deal Of sense as well as fun
ave never had bride that we can re
member for the reason that we are too poo
and INDECENT; but should the future have
one in store for us and if any man shoulC
attempt that privilege, Wen knock chip
enough from his nose to exempt him from
the draft"
nGy~ A Irishman's Answer.-A lawye
built him an Office in the form Of hexa
gon or six square. The novelty Of tn
structure attracted the attention Of som
IL, ,,,,,, ~, ,roro ,,ooe;,,c bv Tbo1