The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1870-09-22
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"What is pride, my dcar!' "Walking
with cane when you anti lame,' replied
the intelligent juvenile.
Beet sugar is as good as cane sugar, be-
cause the difference between beating and
caneipg is merely nominal
A Chinese thief. having stolen missiona-
rvs watch. brought it back to him the mex
day to be showed how to wind it up
A Toast.-Thc Press 1t ex presses truth,
re-presses error im-prcsses knowledge, de-
presses tyranny, and op presses none.
An attorney observed to brother in court
that he thought his whiskers very unpro-
fessional. You are right" replied his FREUD;
"a lawyer cannot be too bare-faced
"Im afraid of the Lightning" murmered
pretty young woman during the storm.
"Well, you may be- sighed her despairing
lover, "when your heart is stccl'
A private in the army recently seat a let
Ter to his sweetheart closing with "Nay
Heaven cherish and keep you from yours
truly John Smith,
A Companion-It is with narrow soulcd
people as with narrow necked bottlcs-the
less they have in them the more noise they
make in pouring it out.
Unspeakable Bliss A contemporary, motto
ing the marriage of deaf aud dumb couple,
wittily and calamity wishes them unspeaka-
bic bliss
"a; 4 New York tailor was startled the other
day by the return Of bill which he had sent
to magazine editor. with notice that the
manuscript was respectfully declined"
precocious youth in a public school out
West, who stands high in geography. was re-
Gently asked by hls teacher where A frica was
located. He promptly answered: "All over
the United States
II suppose, said quack, while feeling
thepulse of a patient, that you think me
humbus ?" 'sSir." replied the sick man, 81
perceive you can discover mans thoughts
by his pulse"
A dandy at hotel table who wanted the
milk passed to him thus asked for it; please
send your COW this way" To whom the
landlady retorted as follows: waiter, take
the COW down to where the calf is beating"
A lady passing along the street one morn
ing, noticed little boy scattering salt upon
the pavement for the purpose of clearing the
snow '.Well, Tn sure, said the lady ''thats
real benevolcncc" sNo, it amt ma am re-
piled the boy, ''its salt"
We overheard two negroes the other day
arguing about the creation of the world, when
one said De world rested on turtles back
de bible seq so" Is dat so? What does
it say the turtle rested on ~ "Hursh yer
mouf, big niggah, you done done gone and
broke up the argument
While passing house in Virginia two
drummers observed very peculiar chimney,
unfinished and it attracted their attention
They asked faxen-haired urchin standing
near the house if it '-drawed well" whereupon
the aforesaid urchin replied, Yes, it draws
the attention of all fools that pass this road
A farmer told friend of his, who had
como from town for few days shooting
that he once had an excellent gun that went
off upon thief coming into the house, al
though not charged ''Wonderful gun, in
deed" said the sportsman but how did it
happen? Must have been an Irish gun"
mot at all, p said the farmer; 1.-THE thief and
it went off together. and before had time to
charge him with it."
A young Keatucky couple recently made
successful elopenent Soon after an officer
was sent in pursuit, and arriving at the hotel
where they were stopping. found them snug
in bed He explained his crrcnd, when the
young lady said: with ringing laugh: ''Tell
ma its too late Snugge up, Will, aud don't
get out OF bed for him."
An editor, who was evidently insane, or
had strong and vivid imagination recently
got off the following appropriate item, ii
true:
81 had dream the other night,
When everything was still;
/ dreamed that each subscriber
Came up and paid his BILL
Each look of honesty
And smiles around each eye,
As they handed out the stamps
Saying, "IIow is that for high ~
SEVEN SINs.-1. Refusing to take your
own county paper.
2. Taking paper and not paying for it.
8. Not advertising.
4. Getting married and forgetting the
printer.
). Asking newspapers to publish matter
that is for your own benefit without rcmuner-
alton.
4. Reading copy on compostor's case.
: !. Never paying your subscription until
f'se publisher goes to tho trouble of asking
i.y T. |