The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-02-04

gentlemen, that i never was so hard put to
Il for breath in my life. W
,Bnt, Mr.. Spencer, don't you take any
medicine for your troubles2
ssMedicinei Oh, yesi Why, sir, I've
taken in one dose a hunk of blue pill as big
ms a baby's fist, and I've s~walloweda whole
apothecary's shop except the bottles and
corks. Aud I tried %hydropathy, went to a
Chicago doctor and got q prescription for
boiling water so il wouldn't scald me; filed
a half hogshead and got in; was scrubbed
and rubbed, and scraped with an old iron
candlestick to open my pores. Then / got
TO bed, and presently l began to sweat. ]
sweat through the feather bed, andthroueh
the straw bed, and through the sacking,
down on to the floor the room in q stream
to the door. sill, and out through a crack
under the into the street, Said / to Han.
nah CHATS my wife, Hannah. l cant
stand this; l won't be drowned In my own
bed SO / got up and dressed me, and
put on my hat TO 90 ont. II was acold day
In january. As I opened the door / no
ticrd the raiu-drops falling fast OF my
clothes. Said / Hannah. what a sudden
showerr why, husband, il don't rain, she
said. Gentlemen, It was nothing but the
Precipitation streaming of my foreheadF
Mr.. Spencer then proceeded to detail his
experience with mesmerism and the gall
vanic belt, till at last / said that he seemed
to have been treated for almost every
known disease, and hence / might venture
to inquire IL he had ever been bitten
bya mad dog. ono, sir" he promptly
replied, with an air Of severity: ''but l saw
a man once who was bitten by a mnssasau-
ger. Perhaps you've never seen one Of them
pmirie ratlesnakes, %stpnger2 OBJ you
have. Well, you Yankees do learn some
new things out here. As was saving, we
were binding after McCormick's reaper
down on Section 10. The little bundles,
YOU know, lie out a day or two before we
pick them up aud make the shocks. Over
night, the snakes curl mp underneath to
keen warm. 10 was about noon, and one
of my men had Just reached round n bundle
to lift il and bind IL, when he took n big
massasauger right by the tail. The reptile
wriggled round his fiat head and struck
the poor chap in the side, and he roared
out with pain. L started OF a boy for the
doctor, and staid TO watch the fellow. He
began TO swell up right away, and in ten
minutes he was bigger than a pork barrel.
But he kept right on, rounding out and
rounding out tll finally l turned my back
On such a sight. All at once l heard an
explosion. and he was gone. He'd blown
.pen. and bust ali abroad, SIR
"What did you do, Mr.. Spencer
"Me? / collected his fragments and
gave him a decent burial"
Fearing every moment that ] myelI
shonld explode with my suppressed laugh.
ter, I thought TO chang the subject by ask.
ing about the doctors bills. To my relief
Spencer aRain Withdrew his attention from
me and launched out into another series OF
s'qreat moral truths. After saying that
no had paid $4,000 10 various physicians,
he spoke Of the property ho had sacrificed
to meet these bills. Iu particular he dwelt
mournnlly upon the sale Of q span OF
horses and q yoke of oxen. Here he
frightened up, as he said. Gentlemen, '1ll
tel! you two or three facts about those
beasts, to give you some idea OF their
value.
~ started one day with my span ofgrays
aud a load of corn. to drive 10 Jackson.
nine miles, to market. Brought back -
bags OF meal and a barrel of flour.
Well, just rs / got out Of the town. and
had about eight miles Of prairie 'twixt me
and Hannah, / heard a rattling noise be-
bind me, aud when | looked round, there
was n bouncing hail storm right upon me.
/ yelled nt the grays and flung my chaw of
tobacco at Billy, for he was the LATEST, and
we swung along at what you Yankees call
a good Hiram Woodruff pace. Ineyer quit
yelling. and they never stopped running.
ill We struck Felderkin's Corner, right
where you blaxed that big burr.oak this
morning. Then 1 found the storm was
over, and when l looked TO SEQ If the load
was safe, there was two bushels and o half
Of h~ailstones in the hind end Of my wagon,
but not one of EN- on my sacks or on me!
Gentlemen, | had raced on the edge of that
hail.storm all those seven miles home
Now it's my opinion that you couldn't do
that little trick to-day with any two horses
in Illinois, not il you soak their tails in
turpentine the night before, and touch n
match to EN-, just as you say-Git out Of
thisl'
Taking n hrtive survey Of his audience,
and hooking his heel firmly on to the round
Of his chair, the truthful Spencer braced
himself for a final tale.
"WhenI first zane here in 1919, those
oxen were steers. Stock was rather scarce
then and / worked the critters in early
Well. one day. old Tennessee Smith, down
by the Lillycache had cut q red elm and il
got LOGGED in the Sloo, and mont of them
dared venture out to cut il clear. So they
hitched on all the oxen they had and tried
10 drag it upon to the bluff. But with six
yoke they couldn't make IL let 90. Then
somebody said send for Spencer's steers.
When Smiths boy came, / told him, you
can have tine steers, Charley, but no one
ever drives 'em besides me. SO 7 yoked
up and went down. When l got there l
said, gentlemen, take away your oxen, and
they did. Then told 'em TO cut a welt all
around the log, 80 that my chain wOuld lie
in smooth with the outside Of the bark.
Then ! cut n slitf from this welt to the end
of the butt, 50 that the taut Of my chain
wouldn't catch in the hazel brush. Then /
put the chain round and hooked On, and
took up my whip and just give the critters
a cheerful start with the lash. They sprung
TO il and jerked the log about two feet and
there it stuck fast. Then / yelled aud put
on the string and those two little fellows
leaned into their work, and just shiYered a
minute and then they went like n shot for
two or three rods, with a long red stick be-
hind EN-, and everybody shouted and hen
just shut up their fly traps and said not a
word. For, gentlemen, would you bell We
II, those two little bucks had drawed the
heart right out of that logl"
Eyes, sir!' repeated Spencer, as he wiped
his forehead with a bandanna. eyes, sir,
aud if that Yanaee don't believe it, | can
show him the very same log to-day at Jack
Son. The road commissioners took il for
a town pump. It was all bored out for
use"
How long Mr.. David Spencer would have
continued to deal out these great moral
truths' ! ] know not. But Felderkin, who
had evidently heard these tales before, gave
signs of uneasiness, and limited broadly
that the "wimmen folks wanted us out Of
the way.
At this, the story teller rose with an in
jured air, aud saying that he would call in
the morning to pay his share of my survey
or's bill, abruptly left the house. | have
never seen him since, nor heard of his
whereabouts. He owes ne Sl5 with inter
est since December. 1859.
somnambuIIe Writers.