The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1870-04-14

The chap who remarked, ''Stlll love thee"
changed Lis tune after marriage to g love
Thee still but she wouldn't be still.
A prosperous revival in Wisconsin town
was demoralized and broken up by the con
version of two lawyers and one editor. The
good people couldn stand all that at once.
Woman is delusion, madam" exclaimed
crusty old bachelor to witty young lady
"And man is always hugging some delusion
or other" was the quick retort.
A western editor who found a case of ho
meopathic medicine, has set up as doctor,
and offers to physic or bleed at the usual
rates, ten cents line first insertion.
A Cincinnati reporter woke up bride groom
at hotel in that city to get the particulars Of
his wedding He owes a neghborng apoth-
ecary FIVE cents for coat-plaster.
q, Josh Billings says: "Before l would
preach the gospel, as some Ministers are oblig-
ed to do, for 45o dolls year, | would get a
living as Nebudkennezzer did and let the
congreghshen go to grass to-"
When an il-naturcd fellow was trying to
pick quarrel with peaceable man, the lat
ter said: II never had fuss with but one
man he was buried at four; it is now half
past three"
A minister in Salem took for his text,
"The flesh, the world, and the devil" and
informed his astonished audience that he
should "dwell briefly in the flesh. pass rapid
ly over the world, aud hasten asfast as he could
to the deyl''
In Calhoun county, Ala negro COM
mitted suicide by drinking a quart of lye
The first instance on record of colored per-
son dying by his own hand, and the first
case where lie ever had any effect on Radi-
cal. The world moves.
As proof Of the fact that girls are useful
articles and that the world could not very
well get along without them, late writer
states it as fact that if all the girls were
driven out of the world in one generation, the
boys would all go out after them.
Jones thinks that soda water is not reliable
for steady drink. 1t is too gassy. The
next morning after drinking thirty-eight bot
ties, he found himself full of gas and as tight
as balloon He hadn't an article of cloth.
ing that he could wear except his umbrella.
Goethe defended duellipg in this way "Of
what consequence is human life !? A single
battle destroys thousands. It is more impor.
tant that the principal of point of honor,
a certain security against rude acts, should he
kept living
The devil Of an Iowa paper called on his
Chinese washerwoman and tried to coax her
into taking hold of his garments "Printec
man dirty shirt like ID; no get cleanee,
scrubee skin off hands; inkee ID to clean
off. No want washee for printee charge two
dollar dozen; cuss en-
If there is any one thing on earth to which
am superior, am superior to its newspa-
pers.-Ben. Butler.
Could Butler get rid of that eff" he might
make out his case, but it remains to be PROV
ed that he is superior to anything on earth
-Wereland Herald.
The heart is six inches in length four in
diameter, and beats seventy times minute,
one thousand one hundred times per hour.
one hundred thousand eight hundred per day,
and thirty seven million seven hundred and
senenty thousand times per year. For fe-
male heart in love, multiply by four.
A young and springty widow once appear
ed at masquerade at Bath, England, with a
paper pinned to her bosom bearing the FL
lowing lines
'To be let on lease for the term of life,
I, Sylvia j, in the shape of wife;
I am young though not hansome, good-natured.
though thin
For particulars, pray inquire within
A girl that has lost her last beau may as
we'll hang up her fiddle.
The man in debt for his shoes cannot say
that his sole is his own.
Old maids are described as ''embers from
which the sparks have fed"
"Poor, dear man." said woman at the fu-
neral Of her fourth husband, "he's past trou-
BILE Dow."
What's the difference between a turnkey
and jeweler? One watches cells and the
other sells watches.
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