The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1870-07-30
Budget Of finn.
BY JOSH Killings.

The raccOon IL a resldenter of the United
Stats ov America; he emigrsted tew this coun-
try soon after its discovery by Columbus. with
out cent, and nothing but his claws to git
living with. He resides among the heavy tim
garden sas for sustenance, and understands MS
Dizziness. Hiz family consists of wife and
three children, who live with him on the INSIDE
ov a tree He can always DO found ~ nome
during the day, reddy tew receive calls out biz
nights are devoted to his own affairs. lie dresses
IN soft fur, and his own tall which IL round, haz
rings on it. These rings are ov the same ma
terial that the tail IL, are worn on al occasions
During the winter he ties himself into hard
not and laws down by his iireside When
spring opens ne opens, and goes out tew see how
the chickens have wintered. Hz life IL az free
from labor az new penny, and if it wasn't for
the doas and the rest ov kind, this rsccoon
would Md what everybody else haz not, hea-
ven upon earth. But the dogs tree him, and the
men skin him, and what there il left ov him
hsin't worth q cuss He Is not natural vaga-
bond like the hedgehog aud alligator, but loves
tew be civilized and live among folks; but he
has one vice that the smartest missionary on
earth kan I redeem, and that liz the art of steal.
ing He IL seckoned only to the crow in petit
larceny. and will steal what he kant eat or hide
He will tip oyer barrel Of apple sass Just for
the fun ov mauling the sass with hiz feet, and
will pull out the plug out ov the moassez, not
beksuse he loves sugar emmy better than be does
young duck but Just tew see if the molassez haz
got good daub tew it. I have studied animal
divetry for IS years, bekause the more diveltry
in an animal the more human he IL. can't
find, by searching the passenger list, that Noah
had . coon on board, but am willing to bet 10
pounds OF mutton sausage that mister coon, and
bis wife committed, by stealing ride. never
knu raccoon tew want ennything long that he
could steal quick. Ennybody, who has looked q
coon right square in the face, will bet you dol
lar that he Is dead beat, or under FIVE hundred
dollar bonds not tew 20 into Dizziness for the
next ninety days. Ihaye had tame coons by the
dozen they are az easy tew tame az a child il
you take them young enough, but kant advise
sny person TO cultivate coons, they want as much
looking after a. blind mule on a toe path, and
there amt emmy more prof. in them than thar IL
In stock dividend on the Erie railroad. 1
never wuz out of pet animal since can re.
member, till now, but have gone out ov the
trade forever Lately | discovered that it waz
good deal like making whissel out of q kat's
tail,-ruining comfortable tail, and reaping
kursed mean whissel Raccoons live tew be s.
years old, it they miss the society ov men and
dogs enuff, but there hain't but few ~ them die
ov old age the Northwestern Fur Co. are the
L
sorry for coOns; ior with trihe more brains
they would make respectable pettyfoggers be-
fore q justice ov the peace but even this would
not save them from final perdishun. Nature
don't make emmy mistakes, after all: when she
wants raccoon with rings on hiz tail, she makes
him, and when she wants a pettyfogger, she
knows how TO make him. without spelling a
good coon Pettyioggers, no doubt, have des-
tiny to fill, and they may enable justice ov the
peace, in cloudy day, tew know good deal
less about the law than he otherwise would :;
still, for all this ii Obliged pray fer one
or other. think now | wou.d saw: GIVE u, u
little more coon, and good deal less pettyfogger
II the raccoon would only give hz whole at,en.
shun tew politicks. there n,In't but few could
beat him. He's right to horn' On the stump. and
menny on US, old cooHs, kan reco.,xt how il lS4O,
with nothing bu, hard cider diet, he swept the
country, from the north to The south pole like a
cargo o, epson salts.