The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-09-16
The Josh Billings Papers.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.

LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.
Long Branch liz the eastern terminus
ov sum real estate on the west side oy
the Atlantik Oshun, and liz lokated
cluss down to the edge ov the water.
The populashun liz homo genus, wo-
man genus, girl and boy genus, yung
one genus. AMI divers other kind oV
genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty.
They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand
and hand, man and wife, phellow and
gal, stranger and strangeresses, drest
in 1iowing robes, and cum out by-and-
10y like statuary in tite fit.
The Atlantik Oshun liz a CRATE sue
cess. The author and proprietor ov it
never makes emmy blunders.
Thare liz CRATE deal Ov morality
here at Long Branch. Thare liz sum
isoated cases ov iniquity, and clever
sprinkling of innocent deviltry.
am pleased to state that the iniQui-
ty liz principally in fust hands and finds
but few takers.
The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun liz
psalt, and haz bin so for more than
three hundred years to my knowledge.
| state this as stubborn fakt, and the
"oldest 6habitdnt" may help himself
if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has
bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov
them say that large Jumps ov psalt
waz deposited in the oshun, at an early
day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and
sum say that the CRATE number ov kod-
fish and number makrel that travel
in its waters haZ favored the oshun.
endorse the kodfish and makrel Job,
not bekauze think it liz true, but be-
kause think it liz the weakest, and / |
hav always bin i'm the habit ov stand
ing up for the weak and oppressed.
Flirtashuns are thick here, but prin-
cipally occur amung thoze who hav |
wore the conjugal yoke until their |
necks hav begun to git CALLED.
Theze fiirtashuns are looked upon az
entirely innocent, and are called are.
cr,dting.n
They are konsidered by sum (who
call themselves good judges more
Jrdceiag than the sea-airing.
Millionaires are numerous, besides
other who put on millyun ov airs
more or less.
b. Now and then yu will see forrin
snob just over from the other side ov
shirt-collars, turned down, and short
nozes turned up.
The landlord tells me, they haV all
paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the
last thing he duz at mite, before he goes
tew sleep, IL to pray-that they will
kontinue on to do So
The prayers ov the righteous are sed
tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the
landlord being ov righteous turn of
mind, think he will win.
The Continental Hotel liz the princi-
pal one here, and liz infested Just now
by eight hundred and fifty innocent
creatures, who eat meals per day.
The femail portion ov these dear in
nocent creatures, rool up their sleeves,
and go down once day, to the keel ov
their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov
the mex sum clothes, that would make
the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she
hadn't postponed living until Long
Branch had bin invented, so that she
could have got the style. --TE--
/ advice all ov mi friends to come to
the Continental Hotel, and bring their
best clothes with them
Long Branch haZ menny things to
interest the scholar, and the philan-
thropist, among which IL the race
course, just bilt. -.- "a
1 attended this race-course lately,
and saw sum very good rotary move
ments on it.
l didn't bet, bekause hav alwus
been principled against loseing emmy
money.
L think could win emmy quantity ov .
money, and not spile mi morality, but
the loss ov flu dollars, would git mi ;
vIrtew out ov repair for ages.
Long Branch liz also the home ov
the miscellaneous crab, and the world .
renowned musketO.
The crab is kaught i'm endless confu- !
sion at Plc--ure Bay, cluss hi Long :
Branch.
Heiz kaught bi tieing hard knot Oh :
the other end ov string, and then !
dropping the string down in the water, /.
and tickling the bottom Ov biz feet !.
with the knot, in this way, sumtimes ..
he iz kaught, and sumtimes heiz knot. !
The musketo liz az natral to NJ Jer.
see az Jersee litening liz. !
The musketO is q marvellous kuss, but
viii he ever waz allowed tew take out :
hiZ papers, and travel, liz unknown to
me, or emmy ov mi near relashuns.
If he haz emmy destiny tew fill, it !;
must he his stummuk, for he liz the big e
gest bore, ackorling tew the size ov hiz .
gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. 1t
don't look well for Philosopher tew be !
fracktious at enny thing, not even !
bugg, but if emmy body ever hears me :
swear tout loud he may know thare :
haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi =
premises. :
cum tew long Branch lin company {
with mi wife) at the opening Ov the :
season, and put up at the Continental :
Hotel, and intend now to keep putting :
up thare, until the house shuts up, if =
hav tew klimb the flagstaff to do it. :
Every boldly who puts up at this ho- :
tel, liz allowed tew put up regular, once ?
a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss /
things. .
This liz a blessed privilege, which :
sum folks kant never enjoy, until they !,
are deprived ov it. !
1t will then be forever too late.
am one ov them cunning kritters
who, when they find a good hotel,
225 pound landlord, and polite officials,
dwell with them heavily.
hav sed before lin writing about ho
tels) that almost emmy boldly thinks
they know how lew Keep hotel land I
thcy do knO,U hour but this ackOunts
for the CRATE number Ov kussid poor :
hotels, all over the country.
Don't be Cruel. .
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