Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-01-28
HagssssOy.

Fancy Bread-A roll Of the eye.
= Who takes things as .bey come ? A thief.
When a man cannot contain himself, is
he too large or too small?
Why is dancing like new milk Because
it strengthens the calves. a--a
Motto for an old .bacheler-be just and
fear not. ar
The miserable rich are covered with err
mine-the miserable poor with vermin.
The man who planted himself on his good
intentions has not yet sprouted.
Listening at a keyhole is said to be private
caring.
People who are behind the times should
be fed on ketchup.
Faber, the pcncil-maker, is said to be SO
fat that he can't walk alone. Like his pen
ellis, he has to be led.
Three things that never agree-two cats
over one mouse, two wives in one house, and
two lovers over one young lady.
The Springfield Republic asks, evil the
coming woman be a man p Probably, ifher
wishes be consulted about the matter.
Sentimental youth.-'My dear Maria,
will you share my lot for life p Practical
girl.-"How many acres in your lot, sir
A negro baby, with ten fingers on each
hand has been born at Louisville. Bad news
for chickens. 4a
Some one says of a certain congregation
that they pray on their knees Sundays, and
on their neighbors the rest of the week.
Folly-to think that you can make pork
out of pig-iron, or that you. can become a
shoemaker by drinking sherry COOLERS.
The present high price of butter is sttri-
buted to the use Of the piano instead Of the
ohurn among farmers daughters.
Commissioner Delano pronounc,s icon.
oealing whiskey' to be a crime. What a
host Of criminals we have among US.
A person who was sent to prison for mar
rying two wives, excused himself by saying
that when he had one she fought him. but
when no got two they fought each other.
A negro member of the South Carolina
Legislature has introduced a bill compelling
planters to make their fences .'horse high,
bull strong, and pig tight"
A prisoner was examined in court, and
contradicted himself. "Why do you lie
SOP asked the judge, Haven't you a law
yer"
A dandy swell in New York is in a fix.
His pants were made SO tight for him that
he can't get his boots on, and if he puts the
boots. OF first, he can't get the pants on.
"Were you ever at Cork Mr.. Foot ?" said
an Irishman to the commedian. "No, l
never was at Cork" replied the wit. '.but I
seen a great many drawings Of it."
A fact for the festive board-There can
be but little harm in drinking like a fish"
so long as it is borne in mind that fishes
have but two gills.
Pursuit Of knowledge under difficulties is
perusing the novel pasted on the inside of
your portmanteau, in a special train, on a
dark night.
A house without children is like a lantern
and no candle; a garden and no flowers; a
vine and no grapes, a brook and no water
gurgling and rushing in its channel.
II like to read epigrams against us wo-
men" said Mrs. Clever. ''When a culprit
clanks his chains you know that they are
on him.
Dobbs says he has one of the most obedi-
ent boys in the world. All he has to do is
to tell him to do as he pleases, and he does
1t without murmuring.
A negro explains the apathy in celcbrat-
ing the anniversary of the battle of New
Orleans by the fact that Cutters bin dar
since Jackson's bin gone"
A boy at a recent examination in an Eng
lish school was asked who discovered Amer
lea 81 wish [ may de-" says a British
Editor, "if he didn't answer-Yankee Doc
die!
A phriend p%hecling %phunnily phigurative,
FURNISHES the phollowing: 4ty 4tunate
4esters 4tuitously 4tyfying 4lorn 4tresses.
4cibly 4bade 4ty 4midable 4eigners Aiming
4aging Aces.
A Dutch doctor has published a medical
tract, in which he maintains that ladies of
weak nerves should mot be permitted to
sleep alone" 1t is said that the tract is in
great demand.
An old minister asked q woman what
could be done to induce her husband to at
tend church. Il don't know, unless you
were to put a pipe and a jug of whiskey in
the pew" was the answer
''Tom J! said one friend to another, while
IN the cars coming to a level place ; ''Tom,
this is indeed a dead level here, isn't it ?"
"Ah" says Tom, turning pale, Il hope
they won't level u with the dead"
There is a kind of grim humor in the ad-
dress of a devout deacon to his newly-settled
pastor as he gave him the usual welcome
1.-The Lord keep you humble and we will
keep you poor"
Il never was whipped but once" said a
gentleman, "and then my father punished
me u%njustly for telling the truth" 1t cured
you from ever doing it again. was the re-
ply of a-friend.
Wanted-A cover for bare suspicion, a
veil for the face of nature, buttons tor the
breeches of privilege, binding for a volume
of smoke, and cement for broken engage
ments.
Booth, the tragedian, had the misfortune
to have his nose broken by Thomas Flynn,
some years since. A lady once said to him,
81 like your acting, but I cannot get over
your nose" "No wonder, madam" replied
he, ''the bridge is gone"
pat" said Judge Tiff to his nelghbor in
a sleeping car. "you would have remained
a long time in the old country before you
could have slept With a .IndpaN ..Yaa