Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1870-08-24
The nrIserro. of a Handsome Man.

EVER since my earliest recollection
I have been a victim to circumstances
Beauty, which others desire and try
every means to obtain, to me has been
a source of untold misery. From my
infancy, when ugly women with horrid
hreaths would stop my nurse in the
streets and insist upon kissing me
through my schOOl-days, when the girls
would pet me and offer me a share OF
their nuts and candies, and the boys
laugh at me in consequence, and call
me 'gal-bOy,1 squirt ink upon my face
for beauty-spOts, and present me with
curl papers and flowers for my hair-un-
til the present, when I am denied intro
ductiOns to young ladies and am put of
on old women I have suffered for nv
looks.
In my clearinghouse I am Stunned
as if I had the plague. When 1 enter
the paTlor or dining-rOOm, see the la
dies look at each other with a knowing
air, as much as to say, Look at himv-
And the answer is telegraphed back
Amt he handsome? but he knows it, ,
as if I could help knowing it with every
one telling me so fifty times a day; and
husbands pay unusual attention to their
wives when 1 am around, as if were
an ogre.
am naturally a modest man, made
more so by my extreme sensitiveness to
personal criticism; and to be obliged to
stand apparently unconscious, when I
know [ am being looked at and COM
mented upon, is narrowing to nv feel
ings. I feel sometimes as if I should
drop down on the floor, but then folks
would never stop laughing if I did, at
what they would be pleased to term
my extreme ladylikeness I have ac-
tualIy prayed that might get the small
pOx, and once walked.thrOugh the small
pox hospital for that purpose, but escap-
ed unframed.
I suppose I must have been vaccinat-
ed. In fact, I know have been, for
how often have I looked at the scar. on
mo arm, and wished it had been on my
cheek, or at the end of my nose, or, in
fact, on any place where it might be
considered a blemish.
When I was a child came near kill
ing myself one night by going to bed
with two large bOttle-cOrks thrust into
my nOstrils, to make them large, like
other boys and have made my mouth
sore by stretching it with my fingers, or
forcing melon-rinds into it, to enlarge it.
But it was useless; perhaps the mouth
might be sore for a couple of days, but
its shape remained unaltered.
Now that I am man, am as unfOr-
tunate as ever. My hair 1UiU curl, even
when shaved within half-an-inch of the
scalp; my mustache will stay Jet black,
1 sometimes wax the ends of it
with soap, and walk on the sunny side
of Broadway; my teeth are perfect, and
L never need a dentist; and my hands
.cr-T L.
and bachelOr-uncles say.
My affections have been trifed with
several times, because as they said,
when they had drawn me to the propOs-
ing point, was too handsome to be
good for anything as a husband-T did
very well for a beau Goodness ! is it
only ngly men that can marry? I want
to marry and settle down; for I am so
slighted in society that look with en-
Wy upon hOmely or nAisshapen men.
But who will have me? I put it to
you, my friend, if it isn't a hard CASE
1 want an nintelligentand agreeable wife,
and one that comes of q respectable
family. I don't think I am asking too
much, but it seems fate has determined
such a one I can never have I have
either to remain single, or take one that
is ignorant and vulgar That, of course,
would be as much remarked upon as my
so it cannot be thought of.
l want to escape observation and crit
icism. I think strongly Of emigrantinC
to the Rocky Mountains, dOnning q
rough gaTb, and digging for gold, in the
hope Of getting rOund-shOuldered or
hiring myself out as a wOod-chOpper, in
of a chip flying up and tax
ing off part of my obnoxious nose.
If there were no women around, I
might escape notice out there. But i'll
ore happened to come along, I should
be obliged to leave, for her eyes would
ferret out my unfortunate pecUliarities,
and all my wounds would be opened
afresh. Sometimes I think there is no
spot on the globe where 1 would be well
coined; andI feel inclined to commit
some desperate deed, that may be ar
rested and confined out of the sight of
man and wOmankind, until am aged
and bent enough to be presentable.