Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-04-26
Lunch for HaS721O7'istS.

Lunch for HasasOgists.
An Iowa woman, ON receiving decree OF dl-
vorce in tie court room, found new husband
awaiting her. with a license In his pocket, at
the door.
A Virginia planter whose sheep disappeared
verymysteriously,. watched his fiocks by night
with shot gun. Next day the doctor was busy
picking buckshot out of the Fifteenth Amend
ment.
a At Madison, Wis, man caught a creditor
who had owed him eleven dollars since the
food, and chokcd him till his false teeth come
out, which he kept. The poor victim was 60
ing around next day trying to swear through
his gums.
A Chinese widow being found tanning the
grave of her husband was asked why she per-
formed so singular an operation. She said she
had promised not to marry while the grave re-
manned damp, and that as 1t dried very slowly,
she saw no harm in assisting the process.
A simple fellow once said of a famous beau
ty,''I could have courted and married her easy
enough, if I'd wanted to. And pray, why
didn't your asked his friend. ''Oh, when L
began to court her, you see, she took me on
one side and politely asked to be excused, and
so | excused her.
A couple of Yorkshire grooms were critici-
sing picture of the death of Absalom repre-
scented, as usual, hanging by his hair, with his
mule close by, Starved him right, was the ex-
clamation Of one of these hippologists. But
why?' said the other ''For riding such Wis
cious brute as that with only snatfie.
Two Georgia niggers went into a steam mill
and closed the valves of the engine and built
hot fire, just t. show the proprietor that the
colored people knew something, after all, about
steam. They were raked together and both
buried in grave. Niggers better stick to
mule power, which lie team enough for them.
A correspondent who has visited the Chicago
female lawyer says she has got mobile mouth.
If her mouth is named after Mobile Bay, it is
q big thing. A large mouth may be necessity
for a female lawyer, but We have seen a small
woman, with mouth not half as big as an in
dia-rubber shoe, that could talk any man blind
In four minutes.
A Western editor accepts challenge to NOR
tai combat, but attaches thereto the following
conditions not laid down in the code: Each
chap shall sit on keg of powder, with ten
feet fuse running from each to the others seat
of state. AT signal each to fire the other s
fuse as quick as he can with an old-fashioned
flint and Steel
BABIES. The delight of days, the torment
OF the nights; elegant In full dress, but horri-
BILE in dishabille; beautiful on the smile, but
maddeniug on the yell exquisitely in place in
the nursery, but awfully out of place In the
parlor or railway carriage; the well-springs of
delight aud the recipients Of unlimited spank
ings: the glory of pa, the happiness Of ma
who would'n have 'em.
''You know madam said a plain speakipe
gentleman to his wife, ''that you cannot make
silk purse out of SOW ear. "Oh, please
fan me !" exclaimed the lady; Il have init
nations of swoon. When you use that obi
Gus species of yulgarity, clothe it in refined
phraseology. You should say: 1t is impossi-
BILE to tabrcate pecunlary receptacle from the
auricular organ Of the softer sex of the genus
porcine.
Revels, the negro Senator, occupies the seat
once occupied by Jefferson Davis This affords
the Radicals theme for frequent comment
But does not Zacbariah Chandler fill the seat
once occupied by Lewis Cass? Is not Fenton
In the seat of Siias Wright. Yates in the seat
OF Douglas. Sumner in that of Dan Webster
Drake in that Of Thomas Benton, and Grant
in that Of George Washington and Thos. JEFF.
ferson?
ADAM S FALL "A Frenchman, being asked
for 1t, gave the following description of Adams
tall Monster Adam, he wake up, he sees une
belle demolselle aslip in re garden VOLTA de
la chance. Bon jour, Madame W. Mad.
anne lv she wake; she hole her fan before to
her face Adam put up his eye-glass to admire
re ta6leau ley make one promenade. Mad
anne lv, she feel hungry; she see appel on re
abre. Serpent Sc poomene sur l'arbre. make
one walk on re tree. tsMonsier Serpent. saw
lV, "weel you not have re boute to peek me-
some appel, al faim. - ''Certainment. mad
anne, say re serpent, ''charme de yous voir -
,,Hola, mon aml ar-r-r-cter vous, +" say Adam
stop STOP que songez vous faire? What
madness Is ices? You must not peek see apnel
ne snake ne take one pinch Of snuff, he say. |
"Ah Monster Adam, do you not know garo T.
Messing prohebeet for re ladies? Madame ~
permeet me to offer you some of this fruit de-
fendu. lv, she make one curtesy. ze snaka
he I'LL her whole parasol wiz aimee, be co..,
"Erltis sicut Deus, Monster Adam he will est
re appel, he will become like one Dieu know
re good and re evil, but you. Madame ", can
~. D9oouie more OF goddess ian you are
now. And Els finish Madame Nv.
HARD-SHELL EXHoRTATIoN.-A hard. |
SEell, VINO spoke In meeting out West, thus
directed the attention of his hearers to the inn
portsance OF searching the scriptures:
Not long since, my hearers-ah, was riding
az aLo"S o.ie oi our great rivers, surrounded hv
rude log hut by the low river sida-sb anJ a.
found poor family in great afMa;ot;an LII ah
They were all sick-ah and was aI ;nfona an.
tooth n 06msh that they had lost their ne
gospel-ah, and didn't seem to csre o' ab OF the
en- OF the precious word of e-ah, for the eear
man did nothing but lament the loss Of ,Fe Two wo
fne-tooth comb-ah 'oss OF their
ave you bible in your cabin Oo;ar
her Sad she to me- yes theer yit is un 1 tho to
On tue catchall, pointing to narrop LIT LII
S nta the e, smoky fire place. but we don't 1 resd
With the ager about sewing months a n,.. dled
NY by hearers got on the top of dye. tub.ab
ths e' fefa 10 the too corner and reaching up
and what do you think it was oneue Jook an
lOn MAI 40 you think found there to satisfy the
@ 1OVg brgb p the poor poo sinful womanah OH
wanted finetooth comb ali. saw S, INV Inc ho long
sareh the Scrptures-ah If that Door S V wa
an naa aone th1sah how her mind woudab
fnetooth comb-ah, and her c da1d round her I
would a been sleek-ah and sheMand chs m neads