Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-01-14
nh0r.


Because be gets licked and pnt in a corner.
Love is sed tew be blind, but kno lots of
phellows in love who kan see twice as much
in their swecthcarts as kan.
A young man says that he cured palpita-
ton ofthe heart by the application Of anoth-
er palpitating heart to the part affected
Fanny Fern having said that men of the
present day were FAST Prentice replies that
i'they have to be, to catch the women
Now, then, stupid, what's next word ?
What comes after cheese 2 Dull boy: A
mouse, sir.
Sugar Weddings four weeks after mar
rage, are the latest device of married Yer
monters to keep themselves happy.
Three things that never agree two cats
over one mouse, two wives in one house,
and two lovers over enc young lady
The saving that there is mole pleasure
in giving than receiving, is supposed to APP
ply chiefly to kicks, medicine, and advice
Living on hope il like living on wind,
godo way tew get phull but poor way tew
git phatt.
There is purple hull to thu grape,
mellow half to the peach, a sunny half to the
globe, and better half to man.
Mrs. Partition says that because some
GIRLS are stars, it is no reason why they
should be regarded as heavenly bodies.
What's the difference between water and
whiskey i? Men slip on the former when it is
frozen, and on the latter when it isn't
4 gentleman who has seolding wife, in
answer to an inquiry after her health, said
she was pretty WE'LL only she was subject
at times to breaking out in the mouth. y
When you see man trying to convince
lamp posts that it is impolite to try to getin
the way of a gentleman, it is a sign that he
has been drinking-lemonade perhaps.
Why are ladies the biggest thieves in ex-
istence? Because they steel their petticoats,
bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook
their dresses.
A person who was sent to prison for mar
rying two wives, excused himself by saying
that when he had one she fought him, but
when he got two they fought each other.
One Of the gentle sex says that the heaven
of strong minded woman is where buttons
grow in their proper places. and where men
cease bothering and needles are at rest.
I hope my little GIRL said one morning,
that you will be able to control your little
temper to-day Yes, mamma, and hope
you will be able to control your big temper
A man in Iowa has invented a gun that
he says, will kill at distance of fourteen
miles. This is the gun we wished for when
in the home guards.
L man who married 8 particularly plump
specimen of womankind, being bit ola wag
told her one day that she filled the measure
Of his matrimonial joy full, for she was beau
ti-ful, duti-ful, and an arm-full.
Wanted--A cover for bare suspicion a
veil for the face of nature, buttons for the
brooches of privilege, binding for volume
of smoke, and cement for broken engage
inents.
An exchange says a Detroit girl has been
fellow Rugged her The lover paid the fine
Our devil says the girls in this section don't
scream on such occasions.
Mrs Parington has been reading the
health officers weekly reports, and thinks
total" must be an awful malignant disease
since as many die ofitas of all the rest put
together.
4 gentleman being asked if he was seri-
ously injured when the steam boiler explod-
ed, is said to have replied that he was SO
used to being blown Up by his wife that mere
steam had no effect on him.
A New York country girl, on her way to
church to be MARI 3D. was upset and broke
her leg. bat wouli not have the limb set un-
til after the oth' bandage was put around
her
Tom said girl to her sweetheart, you
have been paying your distresses to me long
enough. 1t is time you make known your
contentious, so as not to keep me in expense
any longer.
A man in Connecticut having advertised
his wife for ''leaving his bed and board"
the fugacious spouse retorted as follows: Il
went away from the lazy fellow to earn my
bread, and the bed belongs to my own moth
er"
q regular physician being sent for by |
quaek, expressed his surprise on being called !
in on an occasion apparently trifing. "Not
so triAing, either" replied the quack; s.for,
to tell you the truth, [ have, by mistake,
taken some Of my o~n pills."
''You never saw such happy lot of peo
pie as we had here yesterday" said land
lady in Indiana to newly arrived guest :.
there were thirteen couples of 'em." p
'What thirteen couples just married Pr
"Oh, no. sir, thirteen couples just d.
vorced"
'You pull teeth here, suppose ?" in
CURED vegetable looking customer who
dropped into dental office for information.
Eyes, sir, take a chair" replied the pro-
prietor, ''our charge is only fifty cents, and
/ can do it instantly"
s'Well, 1 guess I'll wait until get home,
for I can't pay that price, because our doc
ror charges only a quarter, and it takes him
Two hours, besides he pulls you all around
the room, and you get the worth of your
money. So good day"
A young lawyer was examining bank
rupt as to how he spent his money There
wasabout two Thousand dollars unaccounted
for. when the attorney put On severe |
scrutiniging face, and exclaimed, with much |
self-com plaoapcy "Now, sir, I want you
to tell this court and jury how you use those
two thousand dollars Pr
The bankrupt put on serious face, Wink
ed at the audience, and exclaimed ''The |
lawyers got that !" The Judge and audience