The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1870-12-22
Legend of q Baggage-Smasher.

| knew him. It was years ago. His
name was-well, call it Bumps. If you
ever get into railroad struggle where
one struggles to get another off the
track, you will know more about Bumps,
or your friends will. This Bumps was
a nice young man. His hair always
combed low down; he wore brass but
tons; and there was mysterious re-
port current that he had been known to
call on the sherry for three, on the
Fourth of July, and had actually paid
for it-paid for it, sir ! We held him in
awe--we boys did. He could talk about
lever watches, pointer dogs, steam
barges, and he could relate incidents OF
difficulties in prize rings SO beautifully
that used to wish to knock some one
in the stomach, and break some am
bilious Englishmans jawbone. II
Bumps said anything, the whole town
swore that it was So If be didn't say
any thing we stood back and waited for
developments.
At last he went away. His uncle
used his influence to get him a position
as baggage-master. l never heard of
him for years, but was called one day
to see him die. L went with great
pleasure. Bumps was mere skeleton /;
his eyes were like saucers; his hair was
all worn off from tearing round so in
bed. He told me all about it. He drove
everybody out of the room, babe me
string up my nerves to hear lnournful
tale, and then he commenced. He
went on the railroad pure young man;
he took charge of trunks and boxes, and
commenced by lifting them by the ham
dies, and setting them down carefully.
He had not served month when the
president ofthe road called him into the
office, cut down his salary, and told him
if there were any more complaints from
the conductor, Bumps would be bumped
out of berth. Then the young man
grew cold and stern. He was bound to
suit the railroad corporation or die. He
began by walking up to poor old chest
belonging to an orphan, and putting his
foot through the corner. The couduc-
tor saw the act; the two shook hands,
and they wept for hours on each others
breasts. Bumps had not made two trips
bt fore he could sling a satchel eleven
yards, retaining both handles in his
grasp. Innocent owners of such things
threatened him, and commenced suit
ag inst him, and swore they would
never ride on that road again; but
Bumps was firm. He was dignifi d. he
was solemn; he was working for high
er sphere; he was treading in the path
of duty.
When gentle females would hang up
their tender little baskets and satchels,
Bumps would make diabolical smile,
and get in corner and jump on the ar
ticles and toss them up and kick them,
and fling them through ethereal space.
And when the train stopped he would
throw out a waterfall and tooth brush in
answer to call for check "22." Hus-
bands would strike at him, and dared
him out of his den, and called him base
tend but Bumps was solemn. He
knew his line of business. When he got
hold of nice trunk he would carry d
countenance like strawberry of joyful
ness. He would jerk Off one handle,
then another, then kick in the ends, then
take an axe and SIN ash the lock, and then
let the shirts and things rattle out on
the track. 1t got so at last that people
actually paid high prices for the priv
llege Of living along the line of that
x Y
All that was needed was to have the
children follow up Bumps train.
But there came black day. A mis-
cradle, contemplate, sneaking wretch,
who owned Il saw-mill, went travelling
He ran his factories two weeks on
nothing but trunk stuff, and he brought
out the wickedest trunk that ever went
into a car. 1t was seven feet thick all
round, and there were sixteen nails
driven in one on top of the other, until
the thing was clear proof. Then he
gave it into Bumps hands, charging
him to be very careful if he pleased"
The train started. Bamps got the axe
as usual and struck at the lid, but the
axe bounded back. He struck once
more; the axe flew into pieces. Then
he got crow bar and can of powder,
but he couldn't burst a rail. He swore
and jumped up aud down, and wanted
t. die, and wished he'd never been born
He got all the train men in; they all
pounded, but the trunk held firm. 1t
went through all right. 1t was handed
down without a jam, and the owner was
there to say, "rhank you, sir" and he
pretended he was going back again, and
had the chest put on board once more
Bumps grew pale. He was sick. His
legs shook. He had chills all over him.
The trunk went back, a witness OF
''man's inhumanity to man." Bumps
grew worse He felt that he was for
ever disgraced, and went to bed with the
brain fever. They tried to console him.
and said that they could have trusted
the chest if they had only thought to
have a collision. was there when he
died. l never want to weep as l wept
then. He just shrunk right away, muir
muring, "Cuss that u n k"
Not the least of the benefits consequent
uDOn tho construction of tha no II ,ra., 4 -