Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1870-04-22
Female Remarks.
3Y JOSH BILLINGS


Dear girls, are yu in search oy hus-
band?
This is plunper. and yu are not re-
aues.ed lew say YES" out loud bat are
expected to throw your eyes down onto
the earth, az Ito yu are looking for pin,
and reply to the interrogatory with
kinder drawln sigh, IS tho VA were eat
in an oster, juice and nil, of from tho
half shell.
Not IN press 90 tender . theme Inti, 1t
bekums thorn in he flesh. we will pre-
SOON (to avoid argummenD that ys are
on the lookout lor sum.hing IN iis mnic
line to boost va in the uphill oy life, and
to keep his eyes on the brichcn whel "a
begin two go down the other side OF the
mountin. Let me give yu sum small
chunks of advice how to spot your few
ter husband.
|. The man who is gcaloIs OF every
li..,e sttsnshun yu git from sum other
feller. WI will find. after yu are married
to him, he luvs himself more than he duz
VI aud what yu m.stook for Sollissitude,
yu will discuyerhaS changed into indiif-
erencs. CGslousy isn't q heart disease;
it is a I've complaint.
2. A mustssh il indispensable it IL on
lya little more hair, and IL good deal
like moss and other excrcs,enccs often
duz the best on sile that won't raise any
thing else. Don't forgit that these things
which yu admire in pheller before mar
riagc, u viii probably have to admire in
husband; and must.lsh will git 70 be
very weak diet after a long time.
3. If husbands could be took on trial,
az Irish cooks are, two-thirdS OF them
would probably DC returned, but there
don't seem to he any law for this. Their
tore, gi~'s, yu will see that, ailery yu 81.
man " nave to keep Lin, even II yu ioos
on him. Consequently, il yu have got
emmy cold vttalcs in the house, try him
on them once in Il 7'ile during securing
season, and .lhe swallows them well and
says he will take sam more he IL = man
who, when blue MunChy Gums, will wash
well.
4. Don't marry 4 phcier who IL always
tellin how his mother duz things. |. IL
M hard to sut these men ~ it IL - wetu
ayoung one.
5. Ifayoung man kan beat you playing
on pianner, and kant hear fist horn
plying in the street withoutturuing q back
sommorset on a,ount of the music that IL
in him, | say slip him; he might answer
to tend baby, but if you ST him hoein9
out the garden, w will find yu Eev got to
do it yourself. A man whose hcit lies in
music (and not very hefty at that a'h'iuo
better for husband than sccdli,z
powder; but if he laws to listen Will yu
sing sum gentle ballai vi will find him
mellow and soft. But don't marry emmy
body for jist one yirtew emmy quicker than
you woud flop man for iist one fault
! 6. Il z one Ov the most tutfcst ,hings
! for afnmail to be an old maid successfully.
A grate menny has tried i, and made a
bad job ov it. Every body seems to lookup
on old maids jist as they do on dried herbs
in the garret, handy Tor sickncss-and
therefore, girls, it amt mistake that vi
should be willing to swop yourself oph.
with sum true fellow for husband. The
swop iz good onc, but don't swop for
emmy man who iz rsspektabel because his
father iz. You had better be an old maid
for 4thousand years, and then join tho
Shakers, than to buy repentance al this
price. No woman ever made this trade
who didn't get either phool, a mean cuss
or cheep clown for n husband.
Z. In digging down into this subject. |
find that the digging grows harder the
further get. 1t il much easier tow ln-
form yu who not tew marry than who
tew, for the reason there iz more or them.
Idon't think va will follow my advice
if l give il, and SO III keep it, for look
upon caster ile--a mean dose tew give
and mean dose tew take.
But must say one thing, girls, or spile.
If yu kan get bright-eyed healthy and
we'll -balasted boy. who looks upon poverty
as sassy child looks upon wealth-who
had rather sit down on the curbstun in
front of 9th avenue hotel. and eat ham
sandwich than to go inside and run into
debt for his dinner and toothpick-one
who liz armed with that kind Of pluck
that mistakes defeat for victory, my
advice is tew take him. body and soul
snare him at once, for he IL a stray trout,
4 breed skase in our waters.
Take him, / say, bid onto him, as hor-
| nets bid onto tree.