The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1870-10-14
a DAY AT NIAGARA.
BY MARK TWAIN.

/ By MARK TWAIN.
Nigara Falls is one of the fines
structures in the known world | hav,
been visiting this favorite watering
| place recently, for the first time, snc
WAS well pleased. A gentleman who
was with me said il was customary &c
be disappointed in the Falls, but thai
subsequent visits were sure 10 set tina,
all right. He said that the first time BIZ
went the hack fares were 50 much high
er than the Falls that the Falls appear
ell insignificant But that is all regulat
Ell now. The hackmen have been tanned
and numbered, and placarded, and black.
guarded, and brought into subsection 10
the law. and dosed with Moral Princi.
pie until they are as meek IS missiona.
ries. They are divided into two clans
now, the Regulars and the Privateers.
and they employ their idle time in
warning the public against each other.
The Regulars are under the hotel ban
ners, and do the legitimate at two dol
lars an hour, and the Privateers prowl
darby on neutral grounds and pick off
s;raGglers at halt price. But, there are
no more outrages and extortions. That
sor; OF thing cured itself II made the
Falls unpopular by geui~s ITO the
newspapers, and whenever a public evil
snh!eves that sort OF success for itself,
IT. DAYS are numbered. 1t became ap-
parent that either the Falls had to be
ii>continuei or the hsckmen had to
sab> de. They could not dam the
Falls, aud 20 they damned the hackmen.
one can be comfortable and happy
there now.
SIGNS AND SYMBOLS.
drank up most of the American Fail
before | learned that the waters were
not considered medicinal Why are
people LETT in ignorance in that way?
might have gone on and ruined a fine
property merely for the want OF little
iritling information. Aud vet the
sources OF information at Niagara Falls
are not meagerl You are sometimes
in doubt there about what you ought to
do, hut Won are seldom in doubt what
YOU must not do. No-the signs keep
Won posted. If an infant can read, that
infant is measurably safe at Niagara
Falls In Your room al the hotel You
VIII find YOUR course marked out for
YOU in the most convenient way by
means of placards on the wall, like
these:
Pull the bell-rope gently, but don't
jerk
Bolt Your door"
Don't scrape matches on the wall.
Turn Of your gas when You re-
tire
lie up your dog.
III YOU place YOUR boots outside the
door they will be BACKED, but the house
will not be responsible for their return"
This il a confusing, tanglesome propo-
s;tion, because it moves YOU TO dellber-
ate long and painfully as to whether 1t
VII really be any object to Won to have
your boots BACKED unless they are re-
turned
Give your key to the omnibus
driver, if YOU forget and carry it off
with YOU"
Outside the hotel, wherever YOU wan
der. YOU are inteiligently assisted by the
signs. You cannot come TO grief as long
aS YOU are in your right mind But the
difficulty is TO stay in your right mind
with 20 much instruction to keep track
Of. For instance:
Keep off the grass.
Don climb the trees.
Hands off the vegetables.
DO not hitch your horse to the shrub
berry
Visit the Cave OF the Winds.
Have your portrait taken in your
carriage. =.
Forty rer cent in gold levied on ali
peanuts or other Indian curiosiues pur-
chased in Canada
Photographs Of the Falls taken
here
Visitors will please notify the SUI
perintendent OF any neglect on the part
ofemployes, to charge Tor commodities
or services. No inattention Of this
kind observed
Don't throw stones down-they may
hit people below.
The proprietors will not be respon-
sible for parties who jump over the
Falls" More Sinking OF responsible
itv-i, appears to be the prevailing
thing here.
l always had high regard for the
Sicners of the Declaration OF lDdepend-
enre hut now they do not really seem
TO amount to much alongside the Sign
ers Of Niagara Falls. To tell the plain
truth. the multitude Of signers ANNOYED
me 1t was because noticed at least
that they always happened to prohibit
exactly the thing that l was juA want
ing 10 do. | desired TO roll on the
-rass: the sign prohibited 1t. !
wished to climb tree; the sign pro-
hihited il. ! longed TO smoke; sign
forbade il. And was Just in the act OF
throwing a stone over 10 aston
i.h and pnlverize such parties as
might be p!cnicing below, when 8 sign
| have Just mentioned forbade that.
Even that poor satisfaction was denied
me land friendless orphan.) There
was no recourse, now, but to seek con-
collation. in the flowing bowl. l drew
NV flask from my pocket, but il was all
in vain. 4 sign confronted me which
said.
No drinking allowed on these prem
ses.
On that spot / might have persisted o.
thirst. but for the saving words of an