Knoxville weekly chronicle. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1870-1875, 1870-04-06
A Treaty on the Pertatur.-. Historicle and
BiOgraphicie.

Vegetable and sientificly speekin' the
pertatur is a edible, subtyranean, radicle
excressence, witch, at the rate of So dug
zen, and blew stamps % scent ones), is
the greatest boon ever inflicted onto hui
manity.
In its screen and magnificent influences
upon mankind, it cerpasses all the other
serials, except, perhaps, the oister to witch
it bears close affinity.
The pertatur is feast in itself, being lilly
salutary both biled, and baked, and fride,
and stude, tho hardly of the first quality,
takin raw. But it is in its concentrated
and etheryal fOrm-in the arrowmatic and
invigeratin condishin Of that most useful
of all floods, witch is viz, to wit, namely,
whiskey, that the pertater develops all its
laytent LONELINESS and exhibits all those
salubrious vertlrze witch has, from time UNI
memorial, rendered it the most delishus of
all fruits.
Simpkinses patent is perticlzly desirable
for the fulness with witch il abounds in the
latter refreshmentary ,rinsiple. Beware
| of counterfits-nOne jenuine onlesS inn
ported directly from Us Me and Joanny),
bearin our traid mark, witch is a accoorate
| illustrashun of one of our Jewkundy pigs
eatin of a baked pertato-observe that
! the tales curl to the left. Copies cent by
male on reseat of prise.
! Elder Spugglegrig informs me that the
! pertato was originally diskivered by Brig
adler Sargent Corteez when he invaded
Moo Jersy in serch of Cooban simpathisers,
at which time they was 80 small as only to
! be visible by the ade of condensin steary-
scope. What change sence them periods.
This eXecrable root has been enhanced GIN
erations arter gineration, ontil finally, at
| last, the pinnycle of perfection is clumb,
and Me and Joanny is "a setting on the top
| on it,
n. B.-Ther is no room for any one else
on the same pinnyecle. II is said tibet
| doorin the buddy and sangwin confiix be-
| tween the erly Pilgrim Fathers and the
| Apash Injins, on occashun the Pilgrims
running short of aminishun, they pored q
cupple of pales full Of nitro glissering into
a -four bari, and filling il up with tubercles
fetched ii off into the rallX of fu regi'
ments of perple waryurs, wich so astonish'
ed the injins that they quietly piled up thel
sOrds and revolvers, gerded up ther ioins
! and fled to Checawgo
In our recent tussles with the uEtoolereC
savij, it has been found more economical,
t. ~-doos the tuners to "A likwid state, wici
IA nad lilly eivilzin etteck onto the bar
berions.
We recommend Sinpkinses patent rs 500
periur to ali others for this ehrischun per
pus, fernishen, as ii duz, more bliss ant
enlightningment TO the gallun, than an,
other knone means of ciyilizashin.
Il AS another evidence of its usefulness, lie
us refer to the facility with witch it afford
happiness TO that outrajious, insignificant
ongratefl1l, shiny little viper, the Colorad
, p. Bug, wich il one of the blessnsof hevil
for witch we hey no speshil use. True the.
: air luvly, but ther liIvliness, like the coun
, tenance of alligator, smiles but to de
, stroy.
j Lastly we remark what we hev never be
fore observed, that pertatoes hey reache
ther present perfected and celestial stat
/ cheafiy thro' the superanuated conception
4, and Herculoneum efiorts of Mrs. Simpkini
. witch il Joanny and me. her himeniai CON
! panon and effectual husband, witch car b
obtained in ther purity only by addressin
US with the proper greenbax. Orders fo
= less than one not reserved. send US
handful OF stamps, and we will forward
/, eattleog of this extafic bulb, With esculen
I remarks ON its virtue, consistency, an
: freedom from everything derogatory to
r good moral carakter. Illustrated by an a
| tecting view Of our pigsty during dar
: and stormy mite in January.
) JoANSy and SIMEON SIaIPKINs.
PUsLEY NCRcERIs, Egypt, Ellinoy.