Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1870-10-20
Josh Billings on Hotels.

Josh Billings on Hotels.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes for
the Migrants, the married mans retreat,
and the bachelors hreside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum
on the European plan, and menny ov
them ON no plan at all. ~
A good landlord liz like good step.
mother, he knows hiz bizaess and means
to do his duty. ~ rs
He knows how to rub his hands with
ioy when traveller draws nigh, ne knows
how to smile, he knows yure wife's father
when he waz living, and yure wife's first
husband, but he don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether 1t will rain to.
morrow or not he hears yure complaints
with tear in his eye, he blows up the
servants at yure suggestion, and stands
around reddy with shirt collar as stiH as
broken china.
A man may be good Supream Court
Judge, and at the same time be misera-
BILE landlord.
Most everybody thinks he kan keep
hotel land they kan), but this ackounts
for the great number of hotels that are
KENT on the same principle that q Justiss
oy the Peace oflss IL kept in country
during six days jury trial for killing
sumbOddy's yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the
landlord too, and ever kure the traveller
from the habit ov prOfane swearing.
I hav had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me
swear wuss.
It il too often the kase that landlords
70 into the Dizziness Ov hash as ministers
20 into the professhun, with the very best
ov motives, but the poorest kind ov pros
don't know ov any Dizziness more dat
tersum than the tavern Dizziness. There
don't seem to be anything 70 do but to
stand in Fl ont ov the register with pen
behind the ear and see that the guests en-
ter the house, then yank bellrope six or
seven times, and then tell John to sho the
gentleman to 978, and then take four dol
lars and fifty cents next morning from the
poor Teller and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing land
it is the whole thing) in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskrip.
shun, mild one, ov about 8 hotels out OF
10 between the Atlsntick and Pacifck
Oshuns akrost the United States IN
straight line:
foot inches, parallelogramly.
It being court week les EsuaD all the
good rooms are employed BY the lawyers
and Judges.
The carpet is ingrsin-ingrained with
the dust, kerosene lie and inkspots of four
generashuns. v"
Thare IL two-pegs In the room tew
hitch coats onto; one ov them broke oph
and the other pulled out and missing.
The buro has three legs and one brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two
piyots which have lost their grip.
Thare il one towel ON the rack, thin,
but wet. The rainwater in the pitcher
cum out Oy the we'll.
The soap " az tuf to wear az whet.
stone. ;,
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie,
and varie gated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, cane sectors, one
IL rocker, and al three 10 busted.
Thare il o match box, empty.
Thsre IL no kurtin to the window, and
thare don't want TO be any; yu kant see
out, and who kan see int
The bell.rope IL cum oph about slx
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL modern slat bottom, with
two mattresses, one cotton, and one
0UHK, 6OQ VObA u0x0CAS 0hA 0DONs 49, sAAASeN
All sea biskit.
Yu enter the bed side ways and kan
feel every slat at once, as easy az you
could the ribs Of grid iron.
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep some but roll over good
deal.
For breakfast you have gong, and
rhv coffee too kold TO melt butter; fried
notatoee which resemble the chips that q
two-inch auger makes In its journey
through An oak log.
Bread soiled beef stake about q thick
a. blister plaster, and. a. tough q
hounds ear.
Table covered with Plates, few scared
TO death pickles on one ov them, and D
fly endorsed crackers on the other.
A pewterinktum castor with three bottles
in Il, one without any pepper y q, ore
without any mustard and one with two
inches of drowned fiea and sam vinegar
in it = - -
around ye earneslly, and wants 70 Know
II yu want another cup ov coffee. :,
fu say "No nom, l thank w." and
push back yure chair
Yu havn't eat enuf to pay Tor picking
~ Sbosss slf-conseated a. It VIM
do for . man to b. and not crack open,
but never yet consulted that ] could
keep q hotel !; I had nther be highwey-
nan than 70 be Bum landlords ! have
visited with. ~
Thare are hotels that are . Joy upon the
earth, WHARF man pays hiz bill - cheer.
fully az he did the parson who married
him; whare yu kant nnd the landlord
unleas IN hunt In the kitchen WHARF, ser
wants Glide around ike angels ov mercy
vhare the beds at mans back Ike the
Isathers on goose. and WHARF, the Whites
taste lust o. though yure vile OK yuze
mother had flied them. 81
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew %
but on wheels and travel afoun0 tne
country; they are Just - :phun ov real