The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-11-04

Josh sallzsesT1Ii svkktsA he A....
Ywhois sSs thal 1nvent,d a!cohol 1
am unable tew tell without iicing but
II would hav been afuss klass blessing
forrhe rest of us if he and the Ticker
had both ov them beenzspits % &he
ground and never been soppcffsnp
since.
The devil himself,G with all hiz &C.
MUS for a ten-strike could not hav
rolled a ball more serviceable for hiz
bizness on earth n more certain to.
quarter on the head pin, and sweep
the alley every time. Rum IL the
DEVILS stool-pigeOn, hiz right bower,
hiz high, low, jack and the game.y
A CRATE menny, with dyspeptic
morals, argy that lickor is indispinsi-
BILE for manufacturing and docktor
purposes, and also for mechanical
uses; and they hold that WI kOuldent
raise a barn that would stand without
emmy good old Jamaks rum ; and sum
say that pudding sass, without emmy
speerits in il il no heaithierthan com
mon goose greese.
But awl of these argys are furnished
free Of kost, by the devil himself, and
cnny mar who advances them IL telling
(without knowing il, perhaps,) lies
that will weigh, OF a ruff estimate, at
least a pound apiece. But my objeckt
in these fu preliminus remarks il tew
get q good chance to tell what know
about Jersey lightning" Zone of al
cohol's imps.) as a manufacturing and
metaphysical agent.
Jersey lightning is cider brandy,
three hours old, still-born, and quick
er than q flash. This juice IL drunk
raw by all the old sports and makes a
premonitory and Kissing noize as it
winds down the thrut, like an old she
goose setting on eggs, or hot iron
stuck into ice-water. Three horns a
day ov this lickker will tan a mans
interior in six months, SO that he kan
swallow q live, six-fOOted krab, feet
fnst, and not waste q wink.
1t don't fat a man Cider brandy
don't like whiske due, but Fuckers
him up like fried potatoze. liza man
survive the fust 5 years of Jersey
lightning, he IL safe then for the next
seventy-fve years few cum, and keeps
looking every day more like a three
year old red pepper pod, hotter and
hotter. An old cider brandy drinker
will steam in q sudden shower of rain
like a pile of stable manure, and his
breath smells like the bunghole of a
run cask lately emptied.
when Jersey lightning IL fust born
it tastes like bileing turpentine and
cayene, half.and-half, and will raize a
blood blister on a pair ov old kow-
hide brogans in ID minutes, and APP
piled externally Will cure the ruma-
tism or kill the patient,I forget which.
The fust horn q man takes over this
likor will make him think he has
swallowed a gas light, and he will go
out behind the barn and try few dye
but kant. The eyes of an old cider
brandist look like deep gashes kut in
to a ripe tomato, hiz noze is the kom-
plexion of half billed lobster, and the
grille in his gullet sticks out like en-
elbo in a tin lender.
The more villaiLous the drink the
more inveterate are those who drink
it. 1 kant tell yer whether cider
brandee will shorten an old suckers
days or not, for they generally out
live all the rest ov the Majors, and die
just as soon as the old tavern stand
changes hands and il opened on tenn
perance principals One bottle of
sarsaparilla or ginger popp il az fatal
tew these old fellers az 3 rifle ball IL
TO a bed bug.
l would do almostc enything, but
murder tew ave a yung man from
jersey lightning, but it is like trieing
tew put the fire ont ov q hOller logs
yu might az well let it burn up, for
the ashes il worth more than the logg.