Delaware tribune. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1867-1877, 1870-07-28
B. Dadd's Comments-on the Heat.

/ very likely I0ducr cXD6cIB some
puns under this head AZ usual, to-day. Ii such
be the case, then the affable reader is destined
to be disappointed.
To make capital puns with the thermometer
well up in the nineties is capital punishment
| have abolished.
| 1t has been Hot-with big H-hasn't it /?
| All the comments have been able to get off
during the last several days have been leveled
at the weather. Whether or not they have had
a good effect on the weather, am unable to
say.
In relieving ones mind on the cheated term, '
| it is necessary to use heated terms.
The nursery business has been no brisker
than usual during the week. but notice that a
larger number of our citizens have Hot houses
| than formerly
| wish were @. Cumber. Not because they
are SO very green,b but because they are supposed
| to keep cool.
| Or else an Iceberg. An iceberg would make a
nice burgher for the summer season, wouldn't
| it Yes, would be monster iceberg 1 would
drink nothing but cream. Then would retail
/ myself out at from 10 to 20 cents per pate--the
| irregular price of ice am-until was rich
ing places, or in any other State might fancy
Failing in this would sell fourteen tifteenths
of myself to the New Yorlsers, SO that they might
succeed in breaking up the ice monopolies.
am now writing with so cent chunk of ice
in my hat You would be surprised to learn
how easya 80 cent chunk of congealed aqueous
| fluid fits in the hat this season. Some persons
prefer 'brick' in the hat. don't.
| wish was Coolie. If they are not cool
what is the sense of calling them coolies But
they are cool-decidely COO, in selling themselves
to spectators to come to this country, to work
for nothing g-and-a-llalf day, and find them
selves-unable to make both ends meet. If they
choose to come to this happy land of their own
free will and drink whisky and run for Congress,
go into business and fail and cheat their friends,
and vote several times at each election, and
crack each others China mugs, and desert their
wives, and join political rings, and plunder, and
Il say if they are willing to come here and do
all these things like any other adopted American
citizen, why let 'em come,-and be hanged
But the shoemakers going to make it
Crispn hot for these Coolies, am thinking.
| Five minutes intermssion here, to allow the
writer hereof an opportunity to pour the perspi-
ration out of his boots.
l have been snubbing my friends, right and
| left, all the week, just to provoke them into
| treating me Coolly; but they appear not to
notice thor me either.
journeyed seventeen miles into the country
a few days ago, to visit a maiden aunt, whose
crust, and for which innocent prank she never
| forgave me. Here l expected to meet the
| Coolest kind of reception-but didn't. She saw
me coming, and had about three quarts of boil
| left. LEFT "'' s '''
| have mind to go to France. There is going
| to be heavy Draft there soon, opine But
wouldn't fight. Before they should force me
| into fight. such weather as this. | would
:" lick somebody tirst--and then wouldn't.
| / notice in list of hot summers, going the
| rounds of the press, that somewhere about the
/ year 1912 or 1918, forget which, the heat was
SO intense that the earth cracked OPEN But
| that's nothing. The earth is now baked 80 hard
| that it can't crack open.
| 1t was st. Frances, wasn't it, who was broiled
| on a large family gridiron? l think it was
| st. Frances found it hot about that period no
| doubt but if this had occurred last Sunday or
| Monday, and the victim had escaped from the
griddle when about half done, l think he would
| gladly have gone back to his punishment with
| out murmur-as he couldn't find cooler
place.
If this sort of weather is going to continue sew
| eral years longer, l am going to advocate the
| Court dress of the South Sea Islanders which
is a red string about the neck, and a straw hat.
Those South Sea Islanders are a fortunate set
of savages, ,arnt they? 1t doesn't cost them more
than they earn and borrow to purchase clothing,
and they never dream of such boon as a ten
dollar and half trunk to put their wardrobe in.
Not much. Their country is a barren waste for
Il
there not any. An enterprising Yankee once
/ started fashion magazine for those gentle saw
| ages, giving the latest Paris modes; but it is
hardly necessary to remark that it was not an
average success. Indeed it was a lamentable
failure. The South Sea Island critics got hold
| of the first number of that magazine, they did,
and just cut it up worse than the Nation cuts up
American novels, and every thing else that is
American. They cut out the fashion plates and
stuck them all over their bodies, 80 that you
| would have thought they were perambulating
| advertisements for some aboriginal Mmme
Demorest's modiste establishment. Then they
cut the publisher up and eat him. The maga-
zine they didn't like, but they pronounced the
publisher very good.
envy the Chill people. would like to be a
Chilly un just now.
Horace Greeley has been enjoying the chlls
and fever see. But these newspaper editors al
ways have everything nice. If he wants to, he
may send me, postpaid, the Chills, and keep the
fever himself.
wish had hold of that fellow who is discov-
ering all those spots on the sun-those spots
ist would knock the spots out of him. think
if he discovers half dozen more, it will be SC
cool the thermometer will never go above 115 in
| the Shed.
was going to Saratoga, but reading an ac-
count of the races there,1 noticed that the horses
made great many Heats--which is quite super
fiuous, even for watering-place.
In this connection wish to say a few says
concerning that annual Fraud called ''The Old
Farmers Almanac" After very careful exam
ination of this work for 1870, do not hesitate to
pronounce it the foremost five-cent '.sell" Of the
times, and no gentleman's library is complete
without it's out of it. Firstly, it saya-givine
the weather calculations for July-"17th, l8tl
and 10Th, pleasant, clear and cool" 1t might
have been pleasant and cool with the thermome
ter at 100, but the undersigned didn't encounter
| it. Quite the reverse Twicely, it gives five
rainy days for the month of May, when every
body knows it raned about five straight week.
{ during that mouth 1t is full of such blunders
/ Perspirngy, Yours, b. DADD.