Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1870-05-12
Tite Boots.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

I WOULD jist like tew kno who the maj
wuz who fust invented tite boots.
He must have bin a narrow and kon
tracted kuss.
If he still lives hope he haz repenteC
ov hiz sin, or IL enjoying CRATE agony OF
some kind.
have been in a CRATE menny tite spots
IN my life, but generally could manage tc
make them average; but thare liz no such
thing as making pair of tite boots aver
age.
Yu kant git an average on the pinch oJ
a tite boot, emmy more than 20 kan on the
bite of a lobster .c
Emmy man who kan wear a pair ov tite
boots, and be humble, and penitent, and
not indulge in profane literature, will
make good husband.
He will do more than that, he will } tc
divide up into several fust klass husbands
and be made to answer for whole naber
hood.
OhI for the pen ov departed VIM
Shakspear, to write an anethema against
tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome
wake up and howl agin, az she did once
before on a previous. ockashun.
OH for the strength ov Herkules, to
tare into shu strings all the tite boots OF
creashun, and skater them to the winds
of heaven. ts4 a
Oh | for the buty of Venus to make a
bigg foot look hansum without a tite boot
on It. ts
Obi for the payshunce ov Job, the
Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bless it,
and even pra for one a size smaller and
more pinchful. a-H
Oh for pair ov boots bigg enuff for
the foot ov mountain.
I hav bin led to the above assortment ov
"Oh's" from having in mi posseshun at
this moment, a pair ov number nine boots,
with a pair oV number eleven feet in
them.
Mi feet are az dogs noze the fust time
he wears muzzle. 8
1 think mi feet will eventually choke
the boots to deth.
liv in hopes they will. ecr
suppozed had lived long enuf not
to be phooled agin in this way, but hav
found that an ounce of vanity weighs
more than pound ov reazon, espeshily
when man mistakes bigg foot for a
small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you
would the grip of the devil, for many a
man has caught for life a fust-rate habit
for swearing by encouraging hiz feet to
hurt hiz boots. ~
1 haY promised mi two feet, at least a
dozen ov times during mi checkurd life,
that they never should be strangled agin,
but find them to-day az full ov pane az
the stummuk AXE, from a sudden attak ov
tite J--77r
But this IL solemnly the last pair .ov tite
boots will ever wear viii hereafter
wear boots az bigg az my feet, if j have
to go barefoot to do it.
am too old and too respectable to be a
phool any more. f--.'
Eazy boots IL one ov the luxuries ov
life, but forget what the other luxury is,
but don't know az care, provided can
get rid ov this pair ov tite boots.
Emmy man ken have them for seven dol
lars, just half what they kost, and if they
don't make his feet ache wuss than an
angle worm in hot ashes, ne needn't pay,
for them. f9= cd 40
Methuseles il the only man that kan
kali to mind now who could have afforded
to have wore tite boots, and enjoyed them
he had CRATE IDEAL of waste time to be
miserable in,, but. life now days IL too
short, and too full ov aktual Dizziness
to phool away emmy ov it on tite boots.
lite boots is an insult to emmy mans
understanding. csss.z 0a'
He who wears tite boots will have to
the corn. 10 1
lite boots have no bowels of mercy;
THAR insides ere wrath and promiskious
cussing.
Weekly. 3=1 e4c lsE5