The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1870-04-30
A Hard She'll Sermon from a Hard Shell
Parson.

Il IdTU Smell sermon JIOm a nara SUeI
Parson.
OF ali the rich pieces of absurdity which hav
ever come under our notice the following ia tn
cap sheaf:
My hearers, I shall draw forth the horns of M
argument from the following hymn:
This world is all a heetin' show,
Never aspire where you can't set,
Or 70 the airth you'll fall.
| agree with the tavern keeper, who said, wher
the circus company sloped without payin' him for
grub and grOg, 90 this world is all n heetin' show, =
and | also side with the hungry man, who cried
out in the Dustin agony Of his heart, when he
saw a cooked pigs head smokin' in the magic
lantern, that it is " for man. illusion given -
My friends you wrap your feelins around the
rotten things Of this world, even as monkeys do
their tails around the unsOund limbs of old trees.
When you get high up, you find your honey bee
holler. turns out to be n hornets nest, and when
those little flying belzebubs mmence pokin
their sharp pointed shouts deep into your carcass,
Won wriggle ebout like IN eel in a fryin pan,
your raii . e twisted, or the limb breaks, that
you hav, gr.bbed as tight rs a leather sucker
does ? Dric. bat. and you fail, cOwhallop, upon
the b Ike elass bottles, which are always strewed
unde ne pizen Cpas tree of pleasure, Oh, the
vanity Of desirin the slippery paths of this airth !
lUu run after EN-, you pant, You blow, the par
s~piratiOn runs down you ike soarsuds in n wash
ing machine, your body is covered over with the
prickly heat OF anxiety, and your feet with the
soft corns Of care and disappointment. And what
are all these Sufierings for? What makes your
nose bleed, and what makes your blood boil like
hot pitch ut a tr gatherin? Why you've been
running after the great shoat of Mammon His
tail has been dipp'd in Satan's lard kittle, and
when you think you've got him fOul-when
you We poured the ashes of ~vexation on your
palms, when you've dippd your fingers into the
sand glue of experience and wisdom, so that
they'll stick fast and no mistake, the cussed crit
ter gives Il grunt like the Dustin of a bladder, and
ms tan SHIPS through your paws like geese-greas'd
Oh, my beloved hearers how awful is
your situation in that pertickuler time, You see
the hog that you've been runnin after all your
born days way on ever so far ahead, and you're
ever So ditto behind All your precautions have
come to what hickory wood will in the winter
time, smoke! Your trousers are split, your shirts
and your eyes are streaming like two lie
on a rainy day. Your head aches, and
feel the eea-turtles and canvas-backs rootrn
straight into your skull. The feas of dependency
you through the day, and bed bugs of con-
science, as big az sheep, keep you from sleep at
light: lou re worse than a mar with his hands
led, lying naked III a bayou, without a musketo
oar Out OF remorse springs just about ten mil
Ion musketos, with comic stockins on their legs,
md augerS In their mouths, all BORN straight
and through your body, and film up the
loles with cow-itch and skunks' cologne. Your
luaLiCi II w. huIuCIOub l LDclllIOn. i lie mo-
asses ~hogshead of generosity and good feelin is
tavcd IN, and the sweet stream or kindness and
humanity is mixing with the tar, dead dogs and !
drunken niggers, lying about on the levee of vice
nd immortality. The Mississippi of love is at
Ow water, the steamboat of PRAYER and the broad-
Orl OF faith, both laden with a rich cargo for the I
ountry above, git cruelty snagged on the logs of {
and both sink deep into the yaIler mud .
t sin The catfshes of hell which are born in t
ne bilin spring Of intemperance, float round your 8
rains. and the screech owls Of sorrow set s. boo c
y III the henrOOst of your hearts. Your E
eserted and despised-you're no more use to the f
'orld than Il pair of goggles are to a stone blind I
and you're no more use TO yourselves than L
problem Of Euclid Is to a niger baby! +
And now. my beloved brethren, IN take a /
rink (ior my throat is as dry as a wet chemise
Inch has been III Il hot sun for three days., and t
len I'll tell you how you can turn the mill O
ream Of this world right slap on the wheel Of h
lie, go az to grind the grain of the spirit so fine a
nat it'll make dough nuts fit for angels to chaw g
My lamb-like hearers, L will now tell you how n
ou come In at the great-sheep shearin on the b
day, how you can sleep in peace and e
lietness on the straw of the grave, and how YOU a
IN till your stomach through life with the tender lc
of JOY, and the cool silver water of thank "
illness. In the first place-never put out your h
ms further than you can draw them in again h
ithOut getting scorched. If you do, Judkin's ii
Irnt ointment won't save you !! Be content with b.
e fodder you have gathered in the field of hon. sc
~, and never try to steal your neighbours, hi
cause his eyes amt quite as sharp as yOurn.
m mean TO say that you must let his hogs root
TO your worldly interest-nO, no, drive them out
lietly; but let him see that there's no hole in
ur fence of common sense, through which they m
creep. Never aspire to things above your 1f
lch, and If you're liyin on the first floor of pow IN
~, don't try TO dangle your shanks out of the OF
ird story window of pride. There's a good deal su
happiness i'll this world, but, like picked black u
rrles, you must be careful not to get the thorns ~
to your hand while gatherin them. Like Young gu
nIrreis, always lay up nuts i'll the summer and eh
OF plenty, for that season when you will w
d icicles cloggin round your heart, and snow on Tn
ur unprotected scalp. Don't be so stingy that M
u're aieard to breathe, because it wears out WI
Ut lungs but recollect that money is like UNI IN
elias, IL always comes in use on Il rainy day. iol
l5 earth is as lovely as a clean shaved man, or su
lewly-painted church, and its your own fault if Ira
razor Is full of gaps, or the whitewash ditto of cal
t and hOrse-llair. It's like a stone pavement riol
cred with sleet you must put the hObnails of It's
Idence, and the carpet tacks of observation, sIr
IL the ends downwards, in the thick boot of SUI
II conduct, in order to prevent your getting SUI
II heads bumped, and your shins bruised upon hel
frozen earth. My hearers, don't go to sleep wa
"a 8 little more, and | shall have done" as ma
boy said to his mother. rIV
}ontorm to all that l have said, and You'll be we
happy us pigs while eating rum cherries. Your cal
rts will be az clean as n baby's head after it the
been washed in warm water and CASTLE soap,
your eyes will glisten with gladness, like tin the
. in the sunshine. If the storm of affection anC
les and vets vonr heart tbron~b ana tbrounL old
:, you can put it out agin upon the rainbow of Eet
L promise, and when alI's over-when YOU -
ke Oft the feas of mortality from your hides, UC
III find q bran new crown, made Just to YOUR
hanging upon a peg, i'll the hat shop of vi
ven. Nl