The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1870-09-03
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

~ tempiars.
An eastern editor, demoralized by the heat,
says that 'ninety-eight degrees in the afternoon
the thermometer indicated twenty-five minutes
past 2 o'clock.
An Ohio hotel porter challenges the world to
q smashing match, for $50 a side and the cham
pionship.-Es.
That may be good enough for an Ohio hotel
porter. but what would it be for a baggage
smasher Il western railroad Well put EN-
mp against "all the world and the rest of man
kind"
A family of high social standing in New York
has lately lost daughter by delirium tremens.
Another daughter of the same family has been
reduced very low from the same cause, but is
gradually recovsring.-Er.
Insert the word "evil" after the word "socialn
in the above, and the paragraph would be ration
al and probable. The omission of the word must
have been accidental
The cost of running o steamer a round trip
between this country and Europe is said to be
about $42 900 in greenbacks
We have concluded to walk before running
steamer at such fearful price.
It's 50 hot in Iowa city that the cat fish in the
river there come out under the shade trees to fan
themselves with their tails
An exchange tells of local preacher who has
received for his salary this year nothing but a
curry comb keg Of varnish and two dozen
clothes pins. Whenever his children cry with
hunger, he gags them with clothes.pins scratches
their stomachs with curry comb, and lays on
coat Of varnish.
This is the pure undiluted English for "Jor-
dan is a hard road to travel"
Perambulatory progression in the pedestrinary
excursion along that farfamed thoroughfare Of
fortune, cast up by the bank of the sparkling
river of Palestine, is indeed attended with u
heterogeneous conglomerdtion of unforeseen diff
cuties.
Cheney's Museum, which exhibited in Henry
last week, had chicken with dogs head, and
a hog with a human hand and arm.-iHinOis
.StdteSnldH
To whom of the many leading radical Office
holders does the Statesman refer?
To show that business is dull at GAINESVILLE,
Wis, a paper there announces that two mer.
chants made bet, to be decided in favor of the
one who sold six shilings worth of goods first.
That was three weeks ago and the thing hangs
fire yet.
1t is the fashion at the weddings in Nevada
that all the gentlemen present kiss the bride,
and all the ladies kiss the bridegroom, after
which all the ladies and gentlemen kiss each
other.
OF course that makes things ''more bindingw
The Mount Pleasant Iows) Journal says that
it is rumored that Henry Clay Dean bathed in
the Missouri river last week near Kansas City,
creating sand bar
Some alarmingly stupid fellow wants to know
ii there ever was such a thing as an eclipse of
the honey moon.
A summer boarder in country village says
that at the meeting house they have beautiful
chime OF belles-in the entry after the service
Yes, church belles-'ringed with hoops!
A country postmaster in New York state has
posted notice in his Office directing people "to
lick their own stamps or else the letters
won't CO."
How would it do to lick the postmasterP
The Aurora Beacon makes this point on Ma.
poleon:
Napoleon, at the beginning of tho war, forbid
reporters following him, and they haven't been
able to follow him since.
Speaking OF the war in Europe, a country
paper thus disposes of the subject:
They have nice way of conducting a war in
Europe. Both sides are victorious in everv bat.
tie. This saves hard feelings between the com.
batants and preserves healthy equilibrium.
Housekeepers are putting up all the fruit
they can.-EG.
We "ctnt see it :"
An advertisement for "a small sewing ma.
chine" for one dollar was answered by yuunv
mon in Maine, who received in return for hin
DO lar a shoemakers awl, worth about fifteen
cents.
A dollar-ous transaction.
Senator Harlan has endorsed Chandler and
Grant, and Is now looking about for grounds up.
on winch to express his admiration of Judas II.
CARROT and Benedict Arnold National Guard
1t is not necessary. They VII stand upon the
same ground.
1t can't be said of all talors ,ha, it takes nina
OF 'em to make man. For instance. ,hcre's J'm.
Their Taylor, Of Shabbona, who is the father of
three pairs OF twins which have been presented
him in succession, the last having made their
appearance only week 40 since We regard
this AZ something remarkable in the baby line
and accordingly make u note Of i.-DeEoN
Nc,es.
lie is sensus.able man.
lhe squaw Grovites talk of adopting new