Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-05-31
TsE32cTl for HaG3a102'jStS.

LeE22Cll for HeG2aa0fSStS.
When riding on donkey, what fruit do you
resemble? A pear.
To keep warm of cold day, women double
the cape and men double the horn.
A sign on an eating house on New Jersey
railroad SAYS, Coffee and fresh-lald eggs by
Mrs. Jones.
A rural editor in Indiana thinks the ''plebis-
citum" is new kind of French biscuit,
something like a Boston cracker.
The difference between country and city
sspraenhorn' is that the one would like to know
everything, and the other thinks he can tell
him.
The Arkansas Journal gets excited over the
fifteenth amendment thus Where fettered
feet once trod now leaps the untrammeed vo-
tary OF freedom
A Louisville bar-keeper is in Jail for murder.
ing knife, he was taken with Fl. of temporary
insanity and the man died
What more precious offering can be laid up
on the altar of man s heart, than the first
love of a pure, earnest and affectionate girl,
with an undivided interest in eight corner lots
and fourteen three-story houses! y
Two men in Cheyenne got to shooting at each
other, and the local paper says OF one OF them:
s'His soul nstantaneousyEdroppedi its humani-
ty." 1t is mean for paper to break right off
SO in an interesting story. We want to know
if he died
In Alaska if native murders his wife. her
relatives won't be satisfied until he gives them
a lot of blankets. They think wife is worth
fifteen blankets in the summer, and twenty in
the winter. Most wife murders are committed
in the summer to save blankets.
The schoolmarm who gave the following def
milton of eating at q tea-party, the other even
ing, it is unnecessary to say expired soo1 after
''To eat, says she, lis to introduce nutritious
pabulum into the denticular orifce, below the
nasal protuberance, which, being masticated,
peregrinate s the observation-disclosures, symmet-
rical cavities Of the Pharynx and oesophegus,
and is finally domicilliated in the receptacle for
digestble particles.
A FISH SToRY.-We met boy on the street
yesterday, and without the ceremony of asking
our name he exclaimed:
''You just orter been down to the river a
while agor'
"Why?" we inquired
Because a big buck ngger was In there
swimming, and a big catfish came up behind
him and swallowed both his feet, and went
swimming along on top Of the water with him,
and then came up behind another big fish, and
the niger swallowed his tail, and the niger
and the two fish went swimming about"
Swell, then what?" we asked
''Why, after while the niger swallowed
his fish, and the other fish swallowed the mig
ger. and that's the last | saw of either"
Sonny, said We, with feelings of alarm for
the boy, you are in fair way to become the
editor of a radical paper, and we left him. -
Knocville Press.
A QUESTION SETTLED. Old Joe B. was
quiet old man, but somewhat too fond of the
bottle. When In his cups, his ideas tended to-
ward theological matters, which he always
avoided IN his sober moments 1t was Satur-
day afternoon. baking day, and his good wife
wanted some wood for the oven.
''Joe, do wish you would go and split some
wood. Here it is nearly two clock, and the
fire ism t made
Joe went out to execute his commission, but
fearing his physical condition was weak, march
ed to neighboring tavern TO fortify himself
therein. He returned home utterly ohlivious
to all things save his pet theories Seating
himself on his chair, he said
Il say (hic) Jane, do you (hic) think the
Lord means to burn US all (bic) up in fre?'
His venerable spouse, being exceedingly an
noyed, did not answer Again he repeated the
question. Still an ominous silence.
''Wife, do you think the Lord means to burn
us up in fire everlasting?"
mol" said the now thoroughly aroused
housewife; mo, you old FOOL not if he waits
for you to split the wood y
$50 AHEAD. Sir Charles Lyell, when in
the United States, received the following ad-
vice from friend
when you are racing with an opposition
steamboat or chasing her, and the other pas
sengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting
on the safety-valve to keep it down with his
weight, go as far as you can from the engine,
captain eXcaim, Fire up, boys put on the
rosinr" Should a servant call out, ''Those gen
tlemen who have not paid their passage will
please go to the ladies' cabin p obey the sum-
mons without moments delay, for then an
explosion Ulay be unprecedented. -
Why to the ladies' cabin p said he
Because 1t is the end Of the boat, and they
are getting anxious for the personal security Of
those who have not yet paid their dollars, be-
ing, OF course, Indifferent about the rest
Therefore never pay in advance; for, should |
you fall overheard during the race, and the
watch cries out to the captain, "a passenger
overheard - be will ask, has he paid his pas
sage? and if he receives an answer in the af-
hrmatiVe he will call ''go ahead"
The SICK BABY.-Baby was much worse
had not only sucked bis thumbs but wiggled
his toes 1t could not continue long. The DR..
with grave face, entered the sick room. Bid
d I7 rubbed her mistress with camphor. Mr..
Philips stood by wiping his face with the dra-
perry OF his scant attire
"Oh, doctor, doctor will it die ONLY save
It, and you may take all I have,' cried Mrs
Phillips, wringng her hands. ''PU GET down
on my knees and thank you forever.''
keep your sitting, marin, keen vonr sit
ting: said the doctor, taking a large pinch Of
snuff. F-''A "a
Don't keep NE in suspense only look Of
its precious little arm. What is it? For love
Of heaven tell me-let me know the worst
well, marin, if [ speak out you promise
not to blame me?" asked the doctor very seri.
ously.
"No, mop
'Marm," said he, with his long face still
more elongated, ITS my opinion, as man
Ind physician, that the child has been bitten
~ four bed bugs, or else it has been bitten in
our places by one insect of that description
DR., Gray. cried the father, "do you mean
o insult us? %
''By no means, sir-I repeat it,
''No, you dont!' yelled Mrs. P. at is {
nough to insinuate that [ have bedbugs. to
ay nothing Of your libel on that little angel ,
herub Get out Of this house this instant
on mean, cheating old vagabond." II