, 1870-05-29


Petrifed Man copied and guileleesly glori1td.
began to feel soothing secret satisfaction;
md Is uy gentIeman'a field Of travel broaden
ed, sud Ey tho exchanges saw that ho
r1eadily and inplacsbly Penetrated Territory
after territory, State stter State, and land
s,lzninated in sublime and unimpeached ieg1t'-
macy in the august sIoudon Lancet, my
rup Has full, and said Tas glad had
done it. I think that for about eleven
months, ~ nexrly as I can remember, NJ.
Sewall's daily mail contained along in the
haifing from many clmes with the Petr1hed
Man il theul marked around with prominent
telt Of ink. I sent them to him. I did it for
epite not for fun. He used TO shovel them
into bis back yard and curse. And erery day
during al those months the miners, hls con-
sasuents (for miners never quit Joking per
eou whcn they get etartedl, would call on him
and aek il he could tell them whcre thoy could
ret hold Of = paper with the Petriaed Alan In
Il, He could have accommodated continent
With them. hated Sewau in those days, and
these things pacitied mo and pleased mo- I
oould not have gotten more real comfort out
ol him without Killing him
NJ FAMOUS "b1oopT MASSACRE"
The other burlesque have referred to VAS
nv inc satire upoa tho e1pedient Of ''cook-
iur tliyldends," thing which became shame
fully frequent on the Pscif8c coast Once
tut,rc. in nv self-compIacent simplicity, felt
tnot iLc time bad arrived for me to rise up
and bc 4 refor.ncr. I put this EsformatoEy
easire in the ehape Of 4 fearful Massacre a
wee making great outcty about the DAney
sil, Mining Company, whose directors bad
dtclLed .'cookeI, or false, dividend, Tor
tie puspose OF increasing the value OF the1t
stock, 20 that they could sell ont at com
Portable figure and then scramble from under
xI. nd q
ths Daney, those papa1s did not forget
to urge the public 10 get nd Of aA
their silver Btocks, aud invest in sound
and safe San Francisco etocks, such IS the
Spring Valley Water Company, etc. But right
4 thss unfortunate 1nnetnte behold tho
under the insidious mask Of IN invented
"bloody massacre" stole upon the public
uuAwares With my scAthing satire upon tho
diyidend-cooEng system. In about half
column Of imaginary inhumAn carnage told
how citizen lad murdered his wife and nine
children and then committed suicide. And.
said g1yly, at tho bottom, that tho sudden
madness of which this melancholy massa
ere WAS tho result, had been brought about
" his having allowed himself to be
persuaded BY the California papers to
sell his sound and lucrative Nevada
silver stocks and buy into spring Valley
Just in time to get cooked along with that
be had in the world. All, it was deep, deep
satire, and most ingeaiously contrired. But
made the horrible details 20 carefully and con-
stieutously interesting that the public simply
deyoured them greedilJ, and wholly overlooked
the following distinctly stated facts, to WIT:
1le murderer Was perfectly we'll known to
every c1eAture in the land a = bachelor, aud
consequently ho could not murder his wife and
nine children; he murdered them in his
splendid dscnsed-stone mansion Just IN the
edge Of the great pine forest between Empire
City and Dutch fick's," when even the very
| picked oysters that came on our tables knew
that there was not "droased-stons mansion -"
there being ''Great pine forest between
Emplre City and Dutch Nics's," there wasn't d
! solitary tree within Aiteen miles of either
place: and, finally, il WAS patent aud notorious
that Empiro City and Dutch Nicks were one
and the game place, and contained only si3
| be no forest tet.ceen them; and on top Of ali
these absurdities stated that this diabolicA
murderer, after inaicting wound upon him
eelf that the reader ought to have seen would
have killed an elephant in the twink1ing Of an
eye, jumped On his horse and rode four miles,
waving his wife's rceking scalp in the air, and
thus performing entered Carton City With
tremcndous cclat, and dropped dead IN front
Of the chief saloon, the envy and admiration
| OF ali beholders.
Wcll in all my life I never saw ANYTHING like
the sensation that little satire created Il WAS
the talk Of the town. il WAS the talk Of the Ter.
ritory- Most Of the citizens dropped goutls
into it At breakfast, and they never finished
their meal There was something about thost
ln:nutcly-faithfll details that was sufficient
substitute for food. Few people that were
able to read took food that morning. Dan and
l.tban WAS my reportorial associatoi took our
n.ca!E on either side OF our customary table il
I !, Enr SrS ~,,N + III, T.
the shred they need to call a napkin in that es
tabishMe Mt, saw at the table two stalwart in
EccctitH with that sort OF vegetable danuruf
snriEklea about their clothing Which wa.
the Flgn and evidence that they were in from
the 1rukeee With load Of hay. Tho on
a long narrow "trip, and knew, withop
any telling. that that strip represented tn
column that contained my pleasant f1nArcin
satire. Fro1n the way ho whs excitedly mum
bling, I eaw that ths needless sou Of hay
NOV ras Skipping with al his might, in orde
aible; md 80 ho MAS missing the guide-boArd
lad set up to warn him that the whole thin
was fraud Presently his eyes spread wid
open, just as his jaws swung asundcr to tax
IN potato approaching it on fork s. th
potato hailed, the fsce lit up rodly. and h,
whole man was On tiro With excitement The
be broke into disjointod checldng-on OF tn
paiticulars-his potato cooling in mid-a
meantime, and his mouth making 4 resch 70
il occasionally, but always bringing up sue
fo1mance OF my hero. At last le looked III
stunned and rigid comrade impressiyely in tl
face, and said, with an expression Of concel
| tEAtel ave:
Jun, he billed his b.by, and ITO took tt
! OLD 'o1nan'e skelp. Cussd d If ! want any breal
I fast"
! And hc laid his lingering potato revcscnt
] down, and he and his friend departed from Il
: | restaurant empty, but satisfied.
i He never got down to whero tho satire pa
Of Il began. Nobody ever did. Ihcy, four
tho thrilling particulars sufficient. To drop
0 with poor little moral At the fag-end OF sue
= gorgeous massacre, was TO follow the c1pi
0 ing sun with candle and hope to attract II
q worlds attention to it.
. The idea that anybody could ener tako Il
s suggested itself to me, hedged about as it ":
/ by al those tell-tale absurdities aud impos
d lllities concerning tho "grest pine forest
Il the - dresfed-ssone mansiou," etc. But
X found out then, and mover have forgot
since, that We never read the dull ezplanato
o when We have no occasion to suppose tt
@ aome irresponsible ecribbler is tylng to {
d fraud US we skip all thst, and hasten
, revel In the blood-curaling particulars and
II happy, .,
Aatu 10 HO1u tHAt agricultural s4ulo ol u,
ID in such \ way a. 10 deceive nobody-anG
in partly succeeded. but not entirely, Howev
did not do any harm with it, any way.
order that parties who have lately written
4 about vegetables ard things may know Il
lie there was time when l would have auswe
b. their questions to the very best Of my abili
ct AND considered 1t my imperative duty to do
z. I refer them to the narrative Of my ono wee
i, exne1ience as an agricultural editor, wh
" viii be found in this Memoranda next mon
IL.
L 4