Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1870-01-28
humorous.

If You would he distracted, look around If
you would be happy, lock up
Wnoss.-S Sidney Smith being Ill, his ply,
sician advised him to ''take Itte gentle ex,
ercise up an empty stomach. Upon whoseg'
said be.
a CHARITY scholar was under examination
in the Psalms 10y 1Fhat' she was asked, SIS
the pes,i!ence that walketh in the darkness g'
please. sir, bugs, was the answer
JOSH BuLNeA says The megI is a Iarg.
er burd than the guse or tuzky. Il has ;vo
legs to walk with, and two mere to kick with,
and Il wares its wings On the side Of The he'd g
THE Koran says '.Ye men consider that
woman was formed from a crooked bone.
therefore, ye believers, have patience with
women, for if you Try TO straighten a crooked
bone il will break
SNiTu aud Jones we're talking about Fene.
ing, The art az self defense and the Hte.
Smith remarked that he had seen a rail fence.
''Pooh !'f said Jones. "tbats nothing Ihaye
seen hat box.
A MAE came home drunk on cold night,
and vomited iu a basket of gozlipgs, which
his wife bad placed before the fire. upon see
ing which, be exclaimed: .'Ny God, wife.
when did swallow these things
"WHEA Sally arms her dog imprisoo, I
always wish my neck vas his'n how often
would I step and turn, to get s, pat from a
hand ike bern and when she kisses Towser' s
nose, Oh! don't l Hisb that I were those.
DAEesaoUs.--Itis said that man came
very near dying in California by putting on q
pair Of clean stockings and drinking glass
Of cold waler-an experiment be had not
tried for many years. We know good many
men who run 30 risa of ever suffering IRON
either experiment
Rgasoy4BiE.-'N When 7 goes ashopping, r
said an old lady, Il alters ask Cor what I
wants, and if they have it and it's suitable,
aud I feel inclined to take 1t and it's cheap.
and 1t ear't be got any place for less. I allers
take it, without chaEering about IT all day as
most people do.
Go TO WoEE.-Let me commend to some
Of our brethren child's version Of a sermon.
The preacher urged that Christians should be
active for Christ. "They should serve Him.
not with breathe alone, but also with the
hands-and the feet One of the audience.
leading home his little boy Of six or seven
years, asked him if be understood ANYTHING
ia the sermon.
"Oh, yes hear preaching now"
"Well, what did yo1 hear this morning.
"The minister saik we should stop Jlociag
and go 10 igorLr'
\ NICE IoUNo MAN.-The only practical
joke in which Mr. Barham was ever person,
ally engaged was as a boy at Canterbury,
when with a school fellow, now valiant Ma.
jor, famed for deeds Of arms, - he entered a
Quaker meeting house; looking round at the
assembly. the latter held up penny tart, and
said solemnIy:
~ Whoever speaks first shall have this pie. ''
Go thy way answered a drab colored
gentleman, rising go thy way, and
The pie yours, sir, exclaimed Barharn.
placing II before the astouisbed speaker. and
hastily eieciing his escape.
AS Irishman came into this c5u,ry. and
soon after his arrival hired out to a farmer
10 western Vermont The farmer lived near
sluggish stream Of water and kept geese.
The geese had their little goslings in or near
the water, when large black turtle came in
sight, took one Of the gosliugs and swallowed
it-then hauled in his head aud went out of
sight The Irishman, on seeing this, went to
the house aud reported as follows, %, Mis-.
tress the geese was playing by the wabter,
when great black baast, as fat as a pancake.
came up cut Of the watber and swallowed if.
and then swallowed his head, and then went
all over into the wather and drooued hisself.
he did.
"IHEEF is one thing sure, said Mrs.
Partiugto5, ''the females Of The present
generation are heap more independent than
they ueed be- Why. l saw q eal 20 by the
Other day that I know belongs to the Lizfer;ele
class ofsociety, with her dress al tackled or.
her lair all bundled up Ike as If she hadn't
had lime TO comb it for week, and one Of
hes grandmotber's night-eaps, in an awful
crnwfiea co1dition, on her head. Whv. a.
heneYr when ! was gal, if oue Of The fellows
eome along when had my dress tucked nm
that way and my head kivered with an ola
white rag, l would run FOR dear life and bi5s
ou' OF sight Wen, we'll. the gals then were
innocent, uleoufscated creatures; now thew
aFe what the French call ''blazes.'u
a GENTLEMAN who lives in a quiet town
near AilTaukie was Invited to bring his wife
to the city aud spend the holidays. He said
he would be glad to do 50, but his Ute was
expecting a new bonnet from New York. and
lift did not come she would not allow herself
in fashionable society. On Monday tie NH.
waHsee gentleman received the following
note; Ny wife has got the bonnet. Il came
by express. This is an episode. You ought
to see It. II looks like niger minstrel's 3
breastpiu. or an enormous Jet finger ring, cut
so as to have the setting fit around the ears
You may expect u.s.
F4FoEne AUTHoR.-We have in our com.
muniiy family made rich by the war. and
their sudden riches has caused them to be
dubbed Mushroom Aristocracy," an couiya.
lent to your "Shoddy Aristocraey. Mrs.
Mushroom IS decidedly illiterata, and is fond
OF courting the favor Ct the "old families.
Al a gathering at her own house the other
evening number of the iiterati being pres
ent, the conversation turned upon authors.
when Mrs. y. remarked that her favofite
author is Iicknor Field She believes she has
all his works in her library Y 1t was painful
to see the efforts of the company to keen their
faees straight One Of the ladies, more com.
posed than the rest, yentured to change ne
sat9ee: by making inquiries Of Mrs. N. con
eerniag her son. who has gone North to
college
"oh (. lis smartl' said she. he