Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1870-04-01
Mark Twain's Adventure with the
Revenue ASSESSOR ..

never heard of bis branch of business be-
fore, but l was very glad to see him, all
the same--would he sit DOWN. He sat
down. didlnot know anything partiou.
lar to say, and yet felt that people who
have arrived at the dignity of keeping
house must be conversational, must be
easy and sociable in company. So, in de-
Ifau1t of anything else to say, asked him
if he was opening his shop in our neigh
borhood. i. t.l,. B..,
He said he was. T I did not wish to APP
pear ignorant, but had hoped he would
mention what he had for sale. ~
Iyyentured 10 ask him show was trade ?"
and he said, "So.son =.
I then said we Would drop in, and If we
liked his house as we'll as any other, we
would give him our custom.
He said he thought we would like his
establishment well enough to confine our
selves to it-said he never saw anybody
who would go Off and hunt up another
man in his line after trading with him
once.
That sounded very complacent, but bar
ring that natural expression of villainy
which we all have, the man looked hon
est enough. a.itst t-,. .t,... r
l do not know how 1t came about, ex-
aetly, but gradually we appeared to melt
lrdown and run together, conversationally
speaking, and then everything went along
as comfortably as clock work.
We talked and talked, and talked-at
least did. And we laughed, and laughed,
and laughed-at least he did. But all the
| time had my presence of mind about
mel had my native shrewdness turned
on full head" as the engineers say. !
was determined to find out all about his
4 a. nl.a
andI was determined 4 would have it Out
of him without hisisuspecting what was
Lat. | meant to trap him with deep
ldeep ruse. / would tell him all about my
llown business, aud he would naturally Sc
warm to me during this seductive burst O
leonfidence, that he would tell me all abou
4 his affairs before he suspected what wa!
about. Thought to myself, My son, yor
\ little know whata an old fox you are deal
ing with. / said; rtrgr '..
"Now you would never guess what
made lecturing this winter and las
} spring p"
"No-don't believe could to save me
f Let me see-let me see. About two thou
sand dollars, maybey But mono, sir,
know you couldn't have made ths
much. Say seventeen hundred, maybe /!
e "Ha-hai knew you couldn't. M
t lecturing receipts for last spring and th
: winter were fourteen thousand, seve
C hundred and fifty dollars-what do yo
0 think of thatW
i g Why, it is amazing-perfectly anna
It ing. will make note of it. And yo
o say even this wasn't all? 2" e.
y "All? Why, bless you, there was m
n income from the Buffalo Erpress for fol
It months-about--abo what shoul
| 10 ahO air oh 81 r
J. for instance ?"i- 'f % ff
y "Say! Why, should like to see m,
T. self rolling in just such another ocean
e afiluence. Eight thousand! I'll make
|. note of it, Why, man-and on top of q
e this am to understand that you had sti
h more incomo?'
IS "Ha-ha-ha! Why, you are only in IL
IL suburbs of it, so to speak. There's II
It book, THE Innocents Abroad'-pri
y sS so to $500, according to the bindin
l. Listen to me. Look me in the eye. Du
Of ing the last four months and half, sa
Ie ing nothing of sales before that-but ju
l. simply during the four months and a hs
g ending March 10, 1870, we've sold ninet
K, five thousand copies of that bookl Min
he ty.five thousands Think of it, Averal
VI four dollars copy, say. It's nearly foI
hundred thousand dollars, my son, G
half"
"The suffering Mosesl I'll set III
down. Fourteen-sevep-tif tifty-eig ight-ty
ct hundred. Total, say-well, upon II
N word, the grand total is about two hu
IN dred and thirteen or fourteen thousa
sd dollars. Is that possible 2" F'a 90
"Possible Ii there's any mistake j
ry the other way. Two hundred and fol
le teen thousand, cash, is my income for IL
a, | uaat- If ] kpOuy bpuy m ba,.D -
If Then the gentleman got up to 60
of came over me most uncomtortably IL
ce maybe had made my revelations
e. nothing, besides being tiattered il
IN stretching them considerably by
ed strangers astOnished eXclamations. i
,h noE at the last moment the gentlem
handed me a large envelope, and said
ry contained his advertisement and tina
e would find out all about his busin,
ti-,lsin it.
, W AS soonas he was gone opened his
IS vertisement. l studied it attentively
"a, four minutes 4 then called up the &C
ia, and said: rsti1ar sisd, : r d. hsl
is, "Hold me, while l faint. Let Ma
'e, turn the batter-cakcs" -I' s.Et r.
la. By-and by, when came to, | s,
ia, down to the rum mill ON the corn
nd and hired an artist by the week to sit
nights and curse that stranger, and g
er me lift occasionally i'll the daytime wi
m, III came to hard place
on I All, what miscreant he Wasi
gal advertisement" was nothing in /
world but wicked tax return.
twas plain that that stranger, had
. abled me to make an.ass Of myself IT y
= very, very plain, and went out and hi
at another artist. BY working on my van
tIo orr bod iK,f. 1a nj
I'm ing an income Of $214,000. By $1,'
I'm of this was exempt from income tax
TO- only relief | could see, and it was onl,
rk drop in the ocean. At the legal five
II cent. must pay oyer to the Governm
of the appalling sum of ten thousand
ne hundred and fifty dollars, income tax.
ito | may remark, in this place, that I
nd not do it. f
his am acquainted with q very opult
at man, whose house is palace, hose ia
ns, Is regal, whose outlays are enormous,
he a man who has no income, as have of
ar noticed, by the revenue returns; and
10 him | went for advice, in my distress.
his took my dreadful exhibition of, receil
he he put on his glasses, he took his p
q and presto II was pauper II '
I'M the ncatest thing that ever was
ers did it simply by deity manipulating
,ld bill of DEDUCTIONS" He set down
50 Estate, national and municipal taxes
aid so much my "lossses by shipwreck, t
rth &c." at so much; my "losses on sales
real estate"-onp "livel stock sold"-
payments for rent of homestead
repairs, improvements, Interest,"
e previously taxed salary, as an Officer
:, the United States army, navy, reYel
'sn service" and other things He got asst
ne ishing deductions" out of each and eV
10, 10 one Of these matters-each and every
W of them. And when he was done,
Se ,eu handed me the paper, and | saw {
tpyi glance that. during the year 1859 my
ne come, in the way of profits, had been
thousand taqo hundred and JDty dollars (
: forty cents. ,a ser:
ar -"Now," said he, ".the thousand doll
Irt, is exempt by law. What you want to
on Oh is to go and swear this document in, {
ndG pay tax on the two hundred and E
'eu dollars"
while he was making this speech,
u u littla how WI1lia lifted q twn dollar ore