Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-08-12
sIHiOa'.

When lovers quarrel, do they return the
kisses?
Does a man who weighs his words use
scales?
What ship is always laden with Lnowl-
edge? Scholarship.
Advice to surgeons-keep your temper or
you'll lose your patients.
Before man enters the state of matrl-
mony, he should ring the belle.
What kind Of robbery is not dangerous
A safe robbery Of course.
Isn't it queer that contractors should be
engaged to widen streets
Nh dear wife, as the man said when he
looked at the last milliner's bill
A woman's heart is like fiddle; it re-
quires bow to play upon it.
4 friend, the other day, called thin
young lady spare girl. There arc several
spare girls in most large unmarried families.
DARLING, it's bed time. All the little
chickens have gone to bed Yes, mama,
80 has the old hen,
What kind of essence does a young man
like when he pops the question ? Acquies-
cence.
The Lowell Courier says the great trou-.
t]e with wine is that so little of it is genu-
wine.
Railways are aristocratic. They teach
every man to know his own station, and stop
there.
A sharp young fellow says, IF time is
money he is willing to exchange little Of
bis for cash.
You often hear Of a man being in advance
of his age, but you never heard of a woman
being in the same predicament.
All efforts 10 make hay b. gssligit have
faile +. mt il s discovered that viii! ,ts can |
lie >. sn under its benign and ahee Il rays |
Josh Billings says Give the devil his
dues reads well enough in provcrb; but
what will become Nv you and me il this ar
raneement is carried out?'
A temperance editor, in drawing atten- !,
ton to an article against ardent spirits in /
one of his papers says: For the effects of
1ntemperance see our inside
IL is said that, take two letters from mon
ey there will be one left; but a Southern
editor heard of man who took money from
two letters and there was none left. |
A tombstone in a country churchyard
erected to the memory of a husband and
wife, is said to bear this inscription Their
warfare is accomplished.
4 butcher-boy says he has often heard of
the Jore-quarters of the globe, but has new
er heard any person say anything about the
hind quarters
A Mississippi negro worked on shares,
but got muffin Because said he L
worked for de seventh, and we only made
de fifth Crop short /
A Cincinnati orator-we suppose it was
in that city-wishing to apostrophise the
national banner got it: Forever feet that
standard shoat.'
The ladies' Emancipation Society has
offered prize far the solution Of the follow
ing question in serious way How long
does widow mourn p The answer clearly
is. For second
Men want women to be angels afore
they marry 'em. do they 2 exclaimed an
irate spiuster They'd look we'll along size
of angels, would't tn y? the great ugly
brutesp
A fellow on the race course was stagger-
ing about with more liquor than he could
carry. Halo! what is the matter now?'-
said chap, whom the in ebriated individual
had just run against. Why-hic-why,
the fact is a lot of my friends have been
betting liquor on che race to-day and they
have got me to hold the stakes ~
Said one student to another whom he
caught swinging the scythe most Justify in a
field of stout grass: Frank, what makes you
work for living? A fellow with your tai
ents and abilities should not be caught en-
gagged in hard labor I mean to get my
living by my wits We'll. Bill, you can
work with duller tools than CAM was the
reply.
Hon STRUNG. Said an American TO an
lrishman, My ancestors came from Ireland
Ny name is Bryant; did you ever know of
any people of that name in Ireland 2
-, yes, great many of them
Well, what sort OF people were thew
Pretty high strung, we're they not?
80, yes, I've seen ii great many of them
strung so high that their feet did not touch
the ground
The following dialogue is said to have ta-
ken place in the course of divinity exami-
nation at Cambridge University. ENGLAND
Question-What animal in Scripture is
recorded to have spoken?
Answer-The Whale.
Q-Io whom did the whale speak?
ALTo Moses in the bulrushes.
Q~-What did the whale say?
A-Jhou art the man.
Q-What did Moses reply?
A-Allnost thou persuadest me to be
Christian
Q-What was the effect on the whale?
Ale rushed violently down a gteen
place into the sea, and persisted.
Why will men be naughty and NEGLECT
the sweets Of domestic life for the bitter wa
ters of the tavern? There was tommy p
who one night returned to his domicile in y
state of pedal uncertainty that was rideu-
lous. Pushing heavily against the door, it
opened, and Tommy fell sprawling across
the threshold. His prolonged but inffectual
efforts to regain an erect position aroused
his wife, in bed in the next room, who said,
Tommy, ia that you? what's the matter?'-
To which the inebriated Thomas answered,
Yes, it's me; nothin's the matter, 'cept this