The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1870-08-23
H U M oRoUs 1T E MS

rats IN one hundred minutes?
Bsg~ Pat, if Mr. Jones comes before
my return tell him that | will meet him
at two o'clock"
cay, ay, sir; but what shall I tell him
if he don't come z"
Bsy~ One of the sable orators of old
Virginia made a good point when he
said:
9 DE oyster got more sense den some
folks, cause he knows when to keep his
mouth shet."
BsS~ One of Disraei's admirers, in
speaking about John Bright, said " You
ought to give him credit for what he has
accomplished, as he is a selEmade man"
81 know he is, retorted Mr. Bright,
and adores his maker"
DsS~ An elderly lady, who insisted on
her minister praying for rain had her cab
bages cut by "a hail storm, and on view
ing the wreck, remarked that she "nev
er knew him to undertake anything with
out overriding the matter.
BsB' A juryman was asked whether he
had been charged by the Judge "Well,
sir" said he, the little fellow that sits
up in the pulpit and stares over the
crowd gave us a lecture but L don't know
whether he charges anything or not"
Ra851 g Sam, what do you suppose is
the reason that the sun goes towards the
South in the winter 2"
Well, [ don't know, massa, unless he
no stand the climate Of the norf, and so
am 'bliged to go to the souf, where he
speriences warmer longitude"
BGy" At one of the customary school
examinations an urchin was asked:
What is the chief use of bread ?''-
10 which he replied, with an archness
that implied what,a simpleton you must
be to ask such a question, "Io spread
butter. on"
Beg~ Eittle Harry had just heard SER
mon from the words Blessed are the
Peace-mak
Being asked on reaching home what the
text was, replied
4" can't tell exactly, but it was some =,
thing about those who make pieces'"
nEg" Does your officiating, clergyman.
preach the gospel, and is his conversation
and carriage consistent Herewith 2" was
circular from bishop TO church
warden of his diocese. A veteran near
by replied,
" lie breaches the gospel, but does not
keep carriage"
Res@ During the late war, a young man
wrote his " sweetheart" thusly:
"My Deer Sary An. take my pen an
seat in hand to rite a flu lines tn let u
no that / am wei butt my horse has broak
his leg an has nifty soar back an hope
when these fu lynes comes tu hand tha
will find yu injoying the same blessin'."
Rfag" A girl in California broke her
neck while resisting young man kiss.
This kind Of foolishness always leads to
trouble, Just think what her impru-
dence cost that girl If she had stood
up to the rack and taken her fodder
braveEy she might have been alive vet,
and saved her parents the price of GEM
etery lot and an expensive funeral.
Bay" 1t Chatham street, New York,
countryman was clamorously besieged by
a shOp-keeper.
Have you any fine shirts ?" said the
countryman.
GA splendid assortment. Step in sir.
Every price and style. The cheapest
you can find, sir"
care they clean ?"
" To be sure, sir"
"Then," said the countrymau,. with
great gravity, "you had better put one
on, for you need it."
B4s@ An Irishman who had hired out to
farmer, undertook to "break" a frac-
tious colt. After good deal of coaxing
he managed to get astride the "baste !"
but the animal not relishing the Joke,
commenced to kick and rear in an awful
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