The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1870-06-24

our dull perceptions cannot understan
them. They imagine that we do not
know that patchouly, and all that sort
of thing, is not the balmy breath of the
male Of the human species. They
think that we do not understand that
these things are taken to disguise the
flavor of Lynchburg. They fancy that
we do not know that the Lynchburg
aforesaid costs from two to eight dol
lars the pound; and that the meer-
schaum in which it Is burned rates
from five to fifty. They suppose that
we are not aware that cigars, at current
rates, cost from ten to twenty-five dol
lars the hundred aud that we are so
ignorant of decimals as not to know
the frightful ratio in which the sum to-
tai increases when the combustion of
the weed ascends into the thousands.
They talk base ball to us as il 1t were
as innocent and profitable an exercise
as wood-sawing or ditching.. They pa
rade the small cost of bat and ball and
ferocious shirt, as IL the incidentals of
base ball would not more than cover
q decent family's expenses. They are
suddenly called to distant cities on bu-
siness; and they think that we do not
observe that, simultaneously with these
engagements, "matches come off,
1 cannot tell half the pranks that /
have detected these two gentlemen In.
They do not amount to much, to be
sure. II they did, I should not, at the
present writing, be Mrs. William Jones.
know the two men like o book, and
I think can take care of one of them.
AS to my brother, his wife will look
out for him when he gets one. And it
will not be very long, l think, before
that happens. | have broken up the
firm of Damon and Pythias, and the
retiring partner will not be succeeded
by another male. l see something
coming, but am ready. Heigh-ho! l
don't know which is the more difficult
to mango, a brother or husband.
1t has happened. l
know Brother Jack so well that was
sure, when he insisted on Jones giving
him an Old-fashiOned evening, with
out the delightful but inconvenient ap-
pendage of ladies'" that he meant mis-
chief. ~ ~ t.5.t -. = "
At half-past two in the morning I
heard that latch-key rattle as if it had
the shaking palsy, or as If the key-hOle
was playing bo-peep with the key. In
the two gentlemen stumbled, both with
their hats on; my brother somewhat
elevated, my Observation-Disclosures
drunk! The shortest word is the
most expressive. ..s. .f-.
Jack deposited him upon sofa, and
then turned to me with a face expect
ant, and a most provoking leer. He
waited to hear such lecture as have
given him many time. But l had
not words for this occasion. The truth
is l could not speak. l should have
broken down in tears. 1I
The next silent terrible five minutes
was alarmed, and, do believe, for the
first time in his life, ashamed. He
commenced to speak in his own plausi-
BILE way of apology. Mr.. Jones rose
from the sofa, brushed the look of in
toxication from his face and hair as If
it had been cobweb, and coming for
ward, said, in the steady accents Of a
perfectly sober man:
"Now, Smith, 1 think the joke is on
my side. Amt you ashamed of your
seIf?"
"Well, Jones, you can drink deeper,
and come out brighter
"Beg your pardon; but I neuer drink
deep, and you know it. 1 saw through
your trick, and let you think you had
played it. And now, Bessie, send this
bad boy, this brother Of yours, to bed,
for he is not fit to 60 home alone
Henceforth you and shall understand
one another.n
81 always understood you," I an
swered.
Dear me! Wasn't it lucky that I
did not scold! Brother Jack would
have been too triumphant! Il