Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1870-01-21
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

MISCEllLANEVUS xIEMSs
BIG RELATIvEs-Gi-ants.
LADIES CUFFs-Boxes on the ear.
THE AUcTIoNEER's MoTTo-Buy and
buy.
RATHER A CEY-sIs (cRIsIs)-A weeping
girl.
No RECEIPT is required when attention
is paid. #N
THE policies of the Washington Life are
| liberal as to residence.
HE that will follow good advice is greater
than he who gives it.
WHEN was St. Paul a pastry cook?-
When he went to fill a pie (Philippi)
A BOSTON paper thinks naming row
of lots in suburban cemetery after a
physician was in questionable taste.
"CoME, don't be timid," said couple of
| foolish snobs to two mechanics; sit down
and make yourselves our equals" "We'd
have to blow our brains out to do that"
was the reply.
OF twenty-five companies incorporated
| by the State of New York, the Washing
ton is the Eighth in order of organization,
and may now be regarded as one of the
cold Companies" thoroughly tried and
established.
LITTLE three-year old Mary was playing
very roughly with the kitten-carrying it
! by the tail. Her mother told her she
would hurt pussy. "Why, no / WON'T"
said she; "Tm carrying it by the handle.
IT is stated by some wiseacre that the
heart of man weighs about nine ounces,
that of woman eight. AS the age in
creases, a mans heart grows heavier, and
the woman's lighter-some girls lose theirs
at 16.
REQUIRED-The exact height of fashion,;
the force of circumstances the thickness
of beam of sunshine; the dimensions of
franc mans mind is sometimes in !;
also, the lifting capacity of speakers who
take the floor.
AN Albany man, who had his new hat
exchanged for an old one, in BARRIERS
shop, advertises that unless it is returned
he will forward to the wife of the person
who took it the letter found concealed in
the lining Of the old one"
A BLUsHINe damsel called at one of the
agencies the other day to buy sewing
machine. "Do you want feller2" in
quired the modest clerk in attendance
The ingenious maid replied, with some as
perity: "No, sir have one"
AN Irishman, officiating as chairman of
club, was annoyed at the tumult created
by set of unruly members, and aston
ished them by vociferating, Jintlemen,
jintlemen, will yees come to order? If
you only kape silent you may make as
much noise as you Place"
"WHo built the first house?" asked an
ambitious school ma am of bright little
girl, on exhibition day" "Idon't know
ma Fam, but l guess Noah did," "Why
do you think 50, my dearY" because he
is the first Grkitect we fead Of"
A VAtETuDINARiAN who consulted a
physician was questioned as to his gener-
al habits. Having told how much and
what he ate. how many cigars he smoked,
etc, he was asked what he drank.
"Whatever the other man ORDERS" was
the reply.
In the Wyoming House of Representa-
tives, recently, a distinguished member,
seeking to sustain point of order, par
TALLY removed his outer garment, and re-
marked: Mr.. Speaker, If Some reliable
man will hold my coat, I'll teach the hon.
orable gentleman that he IS out of order"
The point of ofdet was sustained.
A CLERGYMAN, formerly of Newbury-
port, known Familiarity as Parson Milton,
Was seen by d heighbor trudging home
one Monday tiiori1ing with q stotit cod he
had just bought, and was accosted with,
MIR. Milton. did you know that fish was
caught Sunday" The minister, in his
CHARACTERISTIC blunt ii1anhef, replied "The
fish amt to blame for that?"
THERE was, some years ago, trial for
murder in Ireland, where the evidence was
so palpably insufficient that the Judge
stopped the case, and directed the jury to
return verdict of Not Guilty" A we'll
known lawyer, who desired, however, to do
something for the fee he had received for
the defence, claimed the privilege of adj
dressing the Court. "Ws'H hear you with
pleasure, Mr.. B." said the Judge, but to
prevest dccsdenss, we'll first acquit the
prisoner"
AN anecdote is told of Judge Grier,
who lately resigned his seat on the Su-
preme Bench. When he was sitting in
Pennsylvania, cause involving the title
to some land was tried before him. A
laundering jury returned an unjust YER
dict. As the Clerk returned to record it,
Judge Grier said Mr.. Clerk, that yer:
dict Is set aside by the Court. 1t may as
well be understood that in this State it
takes thirteen men to steal a mans farm.
LIEUTENANT DERBY-aJohn Phoenix "
once hailed stolid-looking German who
was driving bakers wagon past Barry
i y Fatten's, on Montgomery street, San
Francisco, with, "Hullo! I'll take one"
"Vat you takes?" said Teuton, pulling
up. "a baked eagle" said Phoenix.
The driver scowled, muttered, and was
driving on, when Derby, in an authoritative
tone, ordered him to halt, saying, off you
don't have Eagle Bakery painted off that
wagon LII have you court-martialedr I" 4
IT would Be well if all passengers could
keep themselves as firmly aloof from ex-
element In steamboat race as vener-
able friend of Rhode Island (now descend
ed full of years and honors to his gravel
did on the occasion of race between two
cOntending steamers on one occasion in
| Long Island Sound The boats had been
running with no visible advantage on
either side for great distance, and groups
OF excited persons were on the deck dis
cussing their several chances of triumph,
and finally appealed to the friend in ques-
ton: Don't you think we've gained on
her in coming the last forty miles?" "Yes,"
replied the Quaker, with imperturbable
gravity, II should say, from present ap-
pearances that we had" Do you |?
Well, MIR. Brown, how much should you
think we have gained upon herr" 81
may be mistaken" replied our friend, "for
have small gift at correctly calculating
distances; but l should think that in the
last fihy miles we have gained about an
inchn1 He was to, close an observer to he