The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1870-12-15
WIT AND HUMOR.

wants the little dear lln j
Out in Montana Judge grew pa
thetic in sentencing a murderer, who
broke in: "Oh, never mind:the obitua-
ry, Judge; just fix the time for the fi-
neral"
The Force of Habit.-We know
n gentleman who is so methodical In
business that when he pays q compli.
mcnt to his wife, he always will insist
on taking receipt.
"A school girl was recently asked
at an examination, by the clergyman,
to tell him what Adam lost by his fall;
and when pressed, she replied: II sup
pose it was his hat"
Cant Bear Them.-"I never could
bear children" said crusty old maid
to Mrs. Partington. "Perhaps, you
could, you would like them BETTER"
mildly replied the old lady.
TO make little boys trowsers
'last. when you make a suit Of
clothes for him, finish the coat first,
and by so doing you make the trow-
sers last. 1t Is the only way the thing
can be done. ..,.....
The worst sold thief yet is that
Mississippi chap who stole the heaviest
carpetbag he could find in the depot,
and, carrying it five miles, opened it
and found that it contained half bush
el of bibles.
---"Arthur,' said n good.natured
father to his young hopeful, 81 did
not know until to-day that you had
been whipped last week" ''Didn't
you, pap replied the young hopeful.
Il knew it az the time"
--"John." said father to his son
one day when he caught him shaving
the "down" off his upper lip, "don't
throw your shaving water out where
there are any barefooted hovs, for they
might get their feet pricked."
Young ladies should notg rowing
with gentlemen unless they ale capable
Of managing boat. A lady was upset
in boat recently. and dress. costing
sixty dollars yard was completely
ruined. The lady was drowned.
"A Scottish nobleman one day Wis
tied a lawyer at his office, in which at
the time there was blazing fire, which
led him to exclaim: "Mr. --, your
Office is as hot as an ovcn." $50 it
should be, my lord," replied the law
yer; "it is here make my bread"
"A San Jose California; paper has
sensation article of a column headed,
"A Girl Possessed OF the Devil" An
exchange says that this may be anov-
city in San Jose, but girls similarly
possessed are so abundant that they
nave ceased to excite special attention
1ere.
"A man was married; he lost his
wife, and had a stone erected over her
grave. He married q second wife, and
when she died he had the gravestone
split, and it thus served for the two de.
parted. He proposed to the third, and
the lady quantity remarked: II do not
believe that stone will split again."
-"Well, David" said a poor but
worthy citizen to one of the Wall street
magnates, "the world has prospered
with You, and they say you are i'm
mensely rich" well" replied David,
perhaps it is true. but we cannot take
our gold with us when we CO." "lt
would melt if you did," was the quiet
retort. .t..
"A juryman recently appealed to
the judge for permission to be excused
from attending as juror on the follow
lowing day.
upon what ground ?" asked the
judge.
"Oh! I am extremely desirous to
attend a funeral tomorrow"
The requisite permission was given.
Upon leaving the court, the Judge was
informed by the sheriff that the juror
was an undertaken. .'t .
!unh
ONE OF JOSH BILLINGS PRAYERS. 7
From too many friends, and from
things at luce ends, Good Lord deliver
us! ..... r.-
From wife who doant luv US. and
from children who doant look like 10,
Good Lord deliver US ....uI
From snaix in the grass, from snaix
in our butes, from torch lite process %
sions, and from all new rum, Good
Lord deliver us. r.4r.f...
From pack peddlers, from yung folks
10 luv, from old aunts without money,
from kolera morbus, Good Lord deliv.
er us! -.F .. l.s-.a .
From welth without charitee, from
pride without sense, from pedigree