The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1870-07-29
Wit anal Hnmor.

iiC-o II u uONti Ae houlu nave MIN naIs
Fpenitent and-happy in the last chapter
Springfield RspH5iieayl I'D ,-.. .--,-.
9st Wit and Humor. or $
NAME has thirty=two hundred square
miles, miles OF Lake surface. ,.; ssEtes ls...g5
a GIRL near Dayton recently won bon
net by throwing her father twice out OF
three times in wrestling match.
7 A GEoRG1A editors pistol having been
stolen, he offers to '.giYe the thief the
contents, and no questions asked, if he will
return it >. -.
AN old bachelor says that giving the bal
! lot to women would not amount to anything
\ practically, because they would keep deny
/ ing they were old enough to vote until
they got too old to take any interest in
politics. l-+.-..-.....l ~. ..-,
A WOMAN applied to a magistrate for .
I simmons against a neighbor. ''She called
me thief, your worship. Can't make her
I prove it?' ''No doubt you could, said the
magistrate, s'but you had better not. F"
'.MASRI4, >" said an intelligent little girl,
''what is the meaning Of book beingpub-
lished in limo ?" ''Why, my dear" re-
Flied the mother, ''it means the books will
be published in twelve months" I1E
MICHIGAN, as is nowlwell known, is only
q corruption of the name of Father Mike
Egan, an Irish Catholic priest, who. lived
and toiled, and was finally sacrificed By the
Indians, on the site of the present city of
| Detroit -PtnehinelIo.
"BA101A," said child one Sunday eYen-
ing, after having sat still in the house all
day, like good child, ''have honored you
to-dayY "I don't know" replied the
mother; why do you ask?" because"
says the little one, shaking her head sadly,
''the Bible says, Honor thy father and
mother that thy days may be long, and
this has been, oh, the longest day ever
saw" Ili- -Ti 80
SOME of the boarders at an indianapolis
hotel went out the other evening, leaving
their doors AID windows open, that the
''spirit of the evening wind" might wander
IN and freshen things. When they return
ed they found their rooms tightly closed
and roaring coal fires burning. Fellow
beaEders had been there. 7.r ~. .r..
MARX Twas, while abroad. visited the
heuse OF the Wandering Jew. lie says:
When the guide pointed out where the
Wandering Jew had left his mark on the
wall, 1 was filed with astonishment. 1t
''S. T.-1S60-X." -
A.FUNNY man in Alexandria, Va, the
other evening, babe his wife aud children
goodbye, telling them that he was going
to kill himself He then jumped into the
well of an old ice house in that locality,
but crawled through q dry drain that opens
on the side of hill near by, and watched
with delight the effsrts of a large crowd
which soon collected to fish him out of the
bottom of the well.
IN the graveyard at Childwald, England,
are the following queer epitaphs: 'a
''Here lies the body of John Smith, --.-
Buried in the cISisters;
If he don't jump at the last trump,
Call, Oystersl'' -F.i... -1 -,s
''Here lies me and my three daughters,
Brought here by using Ssidlitz waters,
If We had stuck to Epson salts, - i't-
We wouldn't have been in thesehere vaults"
PUNCH gives q remarkable illustration of
''proOf- positive" Wife (who has been sit
ting mn .fWell. this is a pretty time to
come home. Four O'Clock q g Husband
(who has taken but one glass of curious
compound, spoken Of by himself, as
''whiskanYarra,l ''Wha' you mean, mad
am, 1t sho' appens, curiouslepuff, parshi d
Big Ben, madam, and heard it strike one
(hic) several times, madanaP Retires to
bed in triumph in his boots-1 n
An irTeyerent Athens, correspondent,
speaking OF the new railroad from that city
10 PiI;eus, says: "Think of Socrates So
Iiloquizing over steam engine; Dio9enes,
with his tnb, dead heading it to the Piarus,
or hagging about seYen-cent. ticket; of
EuEipides working up railroad catastro-
phe INTO one of his polished tragedies; of
the courtly XedophOn taking Topographic |
cal notes for his 'Anabasis' from the VIM
dow OF q sleeping car; or of Mcibiades
lOhing Ia the smoking car and playing
game Of high-iowjack for tie cigarsP'
An iowa man tried to kiss q neighbor's
wife, buI befors he got through the lady
hit ham on the head with arolling pin, and
pnt bin out of doors. The husband took
q revolver and went to the man for satis-
faction, but concluded to settle it by taking
the Villains note for Sl0,1 which he traded
OFF for off n corn pi0ugh. HE man who
holds the note can't colleetS the giyer Of it
claiming that he did not get value received.
TIE Madrid people are innocent An
elderly gentleman last week had his eye
suddenly covered in the streets by some
one behind who playfuily said, s'Who is
1t 2 GuessY He wenE on guessing through |
the round Of his friends, when the playful |
being behind darted of, and left the. old
gentIemaIi,of Spain still bewildered and |
thinking who it could be. He found out
when he got home, and missed pocket |
book With fifteen hundred francs, in it, al |
so a gold repeater and handsome chain and
seals. 'f"' a"s
i THE LATEST man that can think ov now
was Israel Dunbar, Of Billingsville. He
dried up new milch COW m milking her
timess ind planted an aker of beans last
spring agl IN one hill He is 40 years old,
and hgint had the meazles yet; he has al
Tnz bin too lazy to ketch them. His boy
died wen Nc was Is years old; in crossing
q korH. ifield the punkin vines tuck after
him and smothered- him to death. .a-
SPANISH gentlemen speak with great en-
thusiasp OF the,handsome behsEiers IN
recent duel of two naval officers of high
rank, intimate friends, who had quarrened
over their cups. They fought twenty pa
ees apart, to advance to q central line and
! fire at viii. One walked forward, and when
near the line the other fired and hit him.
| The wounded man staggered to the line
and said, i"I am dead. Come thou up and
be killed. = The, other came M til, he
l-touehed the muzzle OF his sdversary's
pistol, and in moment both were dead
/ ike gentlemen.
The. Lynn Reporter tells the following:
Some years since gentleman, somewhat
! OF literary character, residing in this
/ city, whom We will call by no particular
NAME, married young lady by no means
| famous. for her intellectually. In the
course of time the happy pair were fejeie-
ed by the advent Of an heir, which grew
and tiriFed for q season. but after awhile
began to droOp and grow siekly. The fath-
er noticing the ,unmethodieal manner in
which the mother managed the baby, told
heron day that its illness was owing to
mismanagement. A physician, upon being
called, gave the same opinion. A day or
two afterwards one of the neighbors called
in to inquire after the child, and asked:
: s'What is the matter with it?' ''Oh, said
: the mother, "my husband and the Goctor