The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1870-02-11
VOL. XIV.---NO. s (
PUTTING UP STOVES.
BY VI ARK TWAIN.


We do not remember the exact date of
the invention of putting up stoves, but it
was some years ago. Since then mankind
nave been tormented once year, by the
dilllcultles that beset the task of putting
them up, and getting the pipes fixed.
"lth all our Yankee ingenuity no Ameri-
can mas ever invented any method by which
the labor of putting up stoves can be
lessened. The job is severe and vexatious
as humanity can possibly endure, and gets
more SO every year.
Men always put their stoves up on Il
rainy day. Why, we know not; but we
never n,3 heard of any exception to this rule.
Inc hrst step to be taken is to put on q
very old and ragged coat, under the i'm
preston that when he gets his mouth full
OF plaster it will keep the shirt bosom clean
Next the operator gets his hand inside the
the place where the pipe ought to go, and
blacks his fingers, and then he carefully
makes black mark down the side of the
nose. Having got his aceproperly marked
the victini is ready to begin the ceremony
The head of the family-who is the big
goose OF the sacrifice -grasps one side of
the bottom of the stove, and his wife and
the hired girl take hold of the other side.
In this way the load is started from the
Woodshed toward the parlor. Going
through the door, the head of the family
VIII carefully swing his side of the stove
around and jam his thumb nail against the
door post. This part of the ceremony is
never omitted. Having got the family
comfort in place the next thing is to find
the legs. Two of these arc left inside the
| stove since the spring before. The other
two must be hunted after, for twenty-five
minutes. They are usually found under
the coal. Then the head of the family
holds up one side of the stove while his
wife puts two Of the legs in place, and next
he holds up the other while the other two
are fixed, and one of the first two falls out.
By the time the stove is on its legs he gets
reckless, and takes off his old coat, regard
less of his linen.
Then he goes for the pipe and gets two
clnders in his eye. 1t don't make any diff
ference how well the pipe was put up last
year it will always be found a little too
short or little too long The head of the
family jams his hat over his eyes and TAX
ing pipe under each arm goes to the tin
shop to have it fixed. When he gets back
he steps upon one of the best parlor chairs
to see if the pipe fits, and his wife makes
him get down for fear he will scratch the
varnish off from the chairs with the nails
IN his boot heel. In getting down he will
surely step on the cat, and may thank his
stars that it is not the baby. Then he
gets an old chair and climbs up to the
chimney again, to find that in cutting the
pipe off, the end has been left too big for
the hole in the chimney. So he goes to
the wood shed and splits one side of the
end of the pipe with an old axe, and
squeezes it in his hands to make it smaller.
Finally he gets the pipe in shape, and
finds the stove does not stand true. Then
himself and wife the hired girl move it to
the left, and the legs fall out again. Next
it is to move to the right. More difficulty
now with the legs. Elbow not even with
the hole in the chimney, and the head of
the family goes again to the woodshed af-
ter some little blocks. While putting the
blocks under the legs, the pipe comes out
of the chimney. That remedied, the elbow
keeps tipping over, to the great alarm of
his wife. Head of the family gets the din
ner table out, puts the old chair on it, gets
his wife to hold the chair and balances
himself on it to drive some nails into the
ceiling. Drops the hammer on wite's head.
At last gets the nails driven, takes wire
swing to hold the pipe, hammers little
here, pulls little there, takes a long breath,
and announces the ceremony concluded.
job never put up any stoves. 1t would
have ruined his reputation if he had.