Smyrna times., 1870-12-28
WHOLE NO. 827
Mark Twain's Report Of the Proceedings
Of the Farmers Club.

form him how TO make hogs root.
DR.. Slow had been practical farmer for the
last six weeks, and in all the varied agricultur-
al experience ne such article as hog s-reot had
ever come under his notice What was it2
Was it edible? Was it useful in any wayY or
was it, as he more than suspected another
worthless humbug devised by the sharpers to
deraud us practical farmers? He knew not
whether it was propagated by seeds, or by cut
tings but ne would advise Mr.. Quinn to be
shy of hog s-rOot, especially if it was a new
tangled or gh,priced tuher.
Mr.. MOker, the agricultural writer, explain
ed the the anatomy of hogs proLOscis. 1t
is designed for subterranean forasing, by
process vulgarly called roofing, to which Mr.
! Quinp's inquiry probably referred. Being a
delicate organ. it is liable to injury. He would
recommend that Mr. Quinn wipe his hogs
nose. If ha finds it red, he may be sure it is
tender and needs protection by metallic
siield. Some resort to the stragctic deyice Of
inserting wire ring in the hog s nose, in his
efforts to remove which he would naturally
thrust his snout iato the soil, and thus root
unwittingly. That was playing it rather low
on the hog, and the metallic shield was prefer
able on the score of lair dealing and philan-
thropy.
Mr. Greeley exhibited pumpkin of hi. own
raising, As it embodied his solitary and
crownng success, after several years of dis
couraging failure in pumpkin culture the club
surrounded it with uncovered heads and min
gled emotions OF surprise, admiration and envy,
1t was superb fruit, and when Nir. G. g hat
was placed on it, to illustrate its size and sym
metry, the hat and pumpkin seemed so per-
tecty adapted to each other, and together
produced an effect so startling, that several
enthusiastic members swOre thay would have
known whe raised that pumpkin if they had
seen 1t anywhere. 1t is to be photographed
by Gurney, and next years Tribune subscrib-
: ers will receive copies. The pun pkin was the
hattering product Of one bushel OF seed plant
! ed on the farm in Champagua Soon after
Y bOssoming the vine manifested an inclination
to withCr. 1t was thsreupon transplanted to
large flower-pot and removed TO the town
: residence of its founder. For some time it
e pine and dropped, and they sat up nights
with it, expecting that every moment would be
n its last, but every moment turned out not 70 be
:, its last, and With careful nursing it finally raj
: lied and came up to maturity as cherished and
tough pumpkin as ever grew.
Dr. Sixhammers suggested that the result of
u Mr. G. IS indOmitable struggle with this pump
G kin showed how every city family could pro-
vide itself with pumpkin-pie. lie hoped to
+; see the day when every windOw-sill, in every
r, city, would be adorned with tructifying pump
l. kin-pots, and every wOrkman's cottage en-
r powered in pumpkin-vines.
Thomas Dodd, Of New Hampshire, writes
n with consumption has a large family, ten dol
W lars in money, and wants to know what to do.
1t Mr.. MOker-Go out to Greeley Colony and
:. invest in our irrigating ditch.
or Mr.. Layman-Buy q Texas rancho or o
er Florida orange grove.
Dr. Sumble-His health requires light farm
oy ing in bracing climate. Let him start an in
n dlgO plantation in Alaska.
~ Mr.. Greeley-Hs musn' t come to New York
en- His $40 wouldn't last year; but out West
90 he can invest it and grow up with the country.
II. If had gone West with $40 at that age
NJ should be happy man now, with two suits oi
nd respectable garments, an Office, and con
e, science guitless of distracting tariff and farm
yn ing essays.
Mr. Herrinss invited the club to visit hi.
farm, thirty miles up the river, next Wsdnes
day, and inspect a horse radiSh that he haC
persuaded to vcgetate The ground was titled
~. sub-soiled, and top-dressed. He had expend
,to cd upon that plant only half ton of bon,
~ dust, one carload of ashes and barrel o.
~ guano; yet in spite of his neglect, it had with
~ in year grown to the size of his little finger
- His foreman would explain to the clerk tn
or peculiar difficulty of raising this rare exotic
III He would treat the club to 4 regular farmer
~, ~ dinner the materials for which hs had alread
engaged at the city markets.
y The club accepted and adjourned '-Bufdl
1bo Express.
IN, "Wil you have Daily Sun?" said new,
re boy to old Mrs Partington. "Wlll you hav
r a daily sun! Why, you little scape grace
ng- How dare you insinuate against lone wema
:, from homer No, indeed l guess | won't hav
ing daily sun My poor, dear old man used {
the complain awfully when | presented him
any yearly sun A daily sun, indeedl Begont
IS you little upstart impl' And the old lad
les called for the turkey tail fan to keep her frol
Tor swoonng
and ----------~.----------
ank A rogue lately gave waiter at a well-know
the cafe in Brussels ten-franc piece. The waite
er's Very correctly pronounced it bad. Let n
= see it again, said the fellow; then examiniu
end it carefully, he exclaimed in a loud voice,
red he put it back in the walters hand, "Obsery
key the date, 1918; do you really suppose that
aid 1t was bad they wouldn' have found it out
If this timer" and promptly departed.
mt, ~
,erv Two lawyers, when knotty case was DER,
,inI Shock hands, and were as friendly as before;
1n't "Zounds!' u said the CLIENT Il would fai
Won know how
You can be friends, who were such foes jus
-vv nowP'
rIs, EIs "Thou foolr' said one, we lawyers, thoug
,ed ,u5 Like shears, noor cut ourselves, but what
and between
nc" onl A man stopped at hotel at Pixies Peal
"a. ~ and on settling his bill the landlord charge
Z e@1, !, him 81 a day for fve days. Didn't yo
,onr make mistaken" said the guest. "No,
.Ou' .ou said the landlord You did, retorted ii
'"T Tf wiry-looking fellow; "you thought you x
40 all the money had, but you are mistaken !;
give nav" ""oIe purse LuI. III ano1"er pocket'
hsI ha1 A gentleman having pony that started al
"eu broke his wife neck. a paighbor told hi