, 1870-05-29
TlT-BITS:

TIT-BITs::
An exchange wishing to aEoid slang, deli.
cAtely advises its beli9a1ent nelghbot 10 in
itate tue example Of the rivulat in time ot !.
d1ousAt.'
by prisoner accusea Of almost cutting h.
wife 10 pieces, was, with smile, "Weli, 1fou-
aieur President, you kno" every che has his
An excellent oil deacon, who, having Won
a fine turkey ut charity rattle, didn't hLa h
tell his severely orthodox wife how he came hy
it, quietly remarked, ,as lie handed her the fowl.
that tho - Shakers gave it TO him.
Il poet wrote Of his departed love. "we
will In low her grave with our tears." but tas
wicked printer set it np, We will harrow her
grave with our steers."
"A certain town near Providence haa At ez-
ceed1ngiy consideratc man. The other morn !.
ing he aMoke 10 hnd h1s housa on tus- Partial
" dressing himself he tan acrosa tho street,
tirridts tung hia neighbor's door-bell, and
patiently waited for Bome one to answer tue
sum,uons After little tho man Of tha
bppse i" appeared, and the ti1nid man said. II
do not wish 70 create an unnecessary alafms
but NV house Is OIL hre-"
An advertisement was sent to tic Cleye-
land HrabI oftica on Sunday night, in ~hicL
occurred the words, The Christian's Dream
No Cross, No Crown The printer made il
read. The Christians DFean'' No co1s, No
The Boston Post wants 10 know If tie new
London play Of '.C1am is brought out III thi.
| country, whether the general utility man viii
| be known "a "Clxm Supa7"
DIR. Hall says sponge bels arc healthy. We
| know man who has sponged betls, aud even
spongcl his mesls, for FIVE yea1s, and he isn't
| 20 very hea}thE-c1cept ut mea1-times.
a man was tried for stealing pair OF
boots from chop door in Grand street, viii.
which he ran away. The Judku said to tho
witness who had seized the prisoner, What
s'Your Honor, he eai1 he took the boots in
jole,' Judge-''How far did he carry the
joke :" Witness" About forty yards, please
your Honor"
Tho prime-evl forest was si.ustea in tho
Garden of Eden.
WHO is the estaiehtest man mentioned in
| the Eble2 Joseph, because Pharaoh made
| ruler OF him.
| --Lettera, like fashionable young 1Alies,
mnst hare tie stam,'s before the mails lmales)
Sydney Smith used to object to written
se11nons on tito ground TINT Indignation aweek
| old had no effect
An editor Of > country paper, having lent
an axe to one Of Ills Subscribers, tho borrower
unfortunately broke tho handle. On return
ing it, the man said, lyon can easily ret
it liked" "Yes." replied tho editor, but
that will cost Ut least a quarter OF dollar
''Wel1, rejoined the borrower. '1if you amt
rather small for an editor! Here's the quar-
let, but I'll thank You to stop my paper at
oncc.'
A paper gives the following reply to cor
respondent: .'There is no stated rule for
wiring love letters. You ahould write on
foolscAp paper, and bear on ss soft as you can,
using words OF such burning love that they
adyirabla to cling in 5 bunch OF pathos oes.a
| eionallv. such AZ Dearest Augustus love
you with a love larger than an elephants;
think OF you every dsy, and b. and BY, when
the days g.ow longer, shall think OF you
twice day 1t is also well enough to put an
ink-Eiot IN the corner, with the observation,
darling. kissed this epot,' or I bore sigl,
in this vicinity"
| A lovely girl in Wisconsin recovered 7140
damages in a breach Of promise suit sgainst
perddions lover. Her lawyer congratulated
her on the amount. when sho exclaimed, witt,
a ferucous glance at the nulcted defendant,
and nervousfv clutching her fingers, It'd s1va
every penny OF it Just to have one good phil st
| At Sunday School in Ripoa teacher
| k!cn ,''nowing tares" meant. ..Cour;h 1
hrceel,cs around il front, There's a M tenr INV nv
mn sewetl. seared it sliding doan hill
| At recent examination Of an infant
school, after questions bad been put aaous
tho Ks and the Proficiency Of the juveniles
had been creditahly established, the teacher
addressed one little class With The i,,atlirv,
:" What are cows good foF7" little hama was
immediately raised ia chow that an answer
was WEI ready, which Was to the effect that cows
that cows were good to eat. After moments
! TaNse small hand went up With tret,eu.l-
ons energy. We'll, johnny, what is IT,
Iher ehtomacth afe good for tsipe," shout
| "A citizen OF Massachusetts,. learning
during, temporary absence from home, that
| somewhat prominent hut unpopular fellow.
tovnsmsn had been strurk with paralysls. did
not seem very sad at the Intelligence: ;" Why"
eai:i his informant, he il 11alf dead"
Well the reply, tho: is letter than
Sin continues to pcrvade cettai: parts OF
Iowa. though vigorous efforts arc made III ex-
tion was maize recently in one Of the e,A.r-
prasiug towns Of that State. 4 prominent
tahkef. noted for c1acting mora than lesss
ushnSe on loans. was active at revival,
Ic1a W. 1;|:ht tsis es NOR es1aaset .' tho
ncrs, VA st.;,,.r, .sfes." rcu.arktd m nnaw1-
aene ger R4xhor sen, %in in neetn eis1
seemed 10 know what "ss meaas-
At Columbus: O., lies :, . Ar. L. %ho h,,ln.s nas
r;.aI rsrI;t i, t',e church 10 which he belongs he
set in for n snecial effort. when the pastor sud-
denly 1ccollcctea that at that hour u ocloek)
lie had promised to marry couple , Two squares
ing tiat Brother L. had Set in for regular
"wrest,e," and actually went two squares, mar
RED the couple. and got back Just in time to
hear Brother HIS ~ Finally, o Lord!''
-Agnng Of labore1s on tho strike in Eng
land have painted on their banners; IA Little
earning ia = dangerous thing
Who can but admire the stoicfsm Of =
neyonshi1e man, WHO, when On his desth-beti,
the other day, begged his wife and children to
have the funeral procession start early. 20 that
they might be sure and get home by milking
time.
J "A doctor boastiuE at dinner that he cured
Liz own hams, ono Of bis guests remarked !:
well, Dec. would sooner be your ham
than your patient"
| Il New Albany, Ind, u1au stood br while
an exciting fight was going on between two
women. every now and then exclhming :
Lick her, Betsy, lick her; you're my wife
ana il you don't lick her, III lick you" Betsy
-"Tm afraid you don't like babies when they
cry said matron to gentleman, as she
tri+d to soothe the darling IL her arns. "Oi,.
] yes, said he, NJ Ike them best when they
cry. because I've always observed that then
they are invariably carried out Of tho roou.'
Josh Billings saEs that .the lion aul the
lamb may possibly sumtime lay down in this
world together for q fu minutes, bnt when tt'.
hon comes to git up. the lamb will be miss
ing"
i a piously inclined person was cxhort:as;
Fat on the subject Of religion He indignantly
| answered, .'Snre. md didn't jiue tht. Meth
oo.7ta: Fai8 an Ibid. jined fur si1 months.
th1ee!"
The Da9buFs &escs says there il nothing
70 ealcalated to eau lna o. the decp csruestncss
! devotion, III doing up her back ~ .ueN
: -A pious but injadicions indi9HiG;-., with
q eet OF stencil plates devotes Saturday nSts
= in Waterbury. Connecticut, to posting &c ii
tura1 questions on the dead walla. Workin
/ is apt to destroy the intended effect, SAYS
70 loc1l parer, to read, '+What must do to b
l. enins Ditters,'
d 4 tetrant girl who was sent day or tw
q that he would give her some c.stor-oil. a" dis
v guised as much as possb1e," was asked By th
dtuggiet il che liked soda wster, and rep1ie
!. in the Affirmative The druggist thereupo
Il gave her glass strongly favored with lemon
Ie with much oil cast npon the troubled waite
q the druggist inquired tho cause. and was tol
n ! that she was Whiting for the oil.. i" Oh" :,
Piled the man Of drugs complAcent1y, "yo
G. have taken that" The startled woman gaze
fe Claimed, :7oh, murder! waited It for IA "a
D. "A countrv Journal sass: .'When you see
= little 10y sitting On the earth picking slive1
ont Of F. ,f heels, you u'sy know that the tFo
e II say, MS" exclaimed little MINK
II thirteen, "do you kno" What the pyrotechn
G. cal remedy is Tor crying infants" "Gfacio1
u goodness me, 10; never heard Of such
IN thing!" swell, mn, it's rocket"
Is ing green apple, exclaimed: LOB. dea,