Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1870-09-17
The Josh Billings Papers.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.

Long Branch IL the eastern terminus
Ov sum real estate on the west side ov
the Atlantik Oshun, and IL lokated
cIuss down to the edge ov the water.
The populashun IL homo genus, wo-
man genus, girl and boy genus, yung
one genus, an divers other kind ov
genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty.
They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand
and hand, man and wife, phelIow and
gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest
In flowing robes, and cum out by-and-
by like statuary in tite fit.
The Atlantik Oshun IL a crate sue
cess. The author and proprietor ov it
never makes emmy blunders.
Thare IL a crate deal ov morality
here at Long Branch. Thare IL sum
isoated cases ov iniquity, and a clever
sprinkling Of innocent deviltry.
am pleased to state that the iaiquj-
! ~ IL principally in fust hands and finds
but few takers.
The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun IL
psalt, and haz bin so for more than
three hundred years to my knowledge.
| state this as a stubborn fakt, and the
"oliest Ahdbitdnt may help himself
if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has
bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov
them say that. large Jumps oy psalt
waz deposited in the oshun, at an early
day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and
sum say that the CRATE number oV kod-
4 fish and number 2 makrel that travel
4 in its waters haz favored the oshun.
j / endorse the kodfish and makrel lob.
not bekauze think it liz true, but be-
kause think it IL the weakest, and I
hav always bin in the habit ov stand
ing up for the weak and oppressed
Flirtashuns are thick here, but prin-
cipally occur amung thoze who hav
wore the cOnjugal yoke until their
necks hay begun to git galIed.ssh
Theze fiirtashuns are looked upon az
entirely innocent, and are called arc.
crmtiRg." a
They are konsidered by sum lwho
call themselves good judges moro
.. Jrdceiag than the sea-airing.
: Millionalres are numerous, besides
other who put on a millyun ov airs
more or less. .f rsss
/ Now and then yu will see fOrlin
snob just over from the other side Oy
the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long
shirt-collars, turned down, and short
nozes turned up.
The landlord tells me, thew hav all
/, paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the
: last thing he duz at mite, before he goes
= tew sleep, liz to pray-tllat they will
kontinue on to dosO.
The prayers ov the righteous are sed
/. tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the
d landlord being. ov righteous turn of
: mind, ! think he will win.
o The Continental Hotel IL the princi-
/, pal one here, and IL infested Just now
+ by eight hundred and fifty innocent
creatures, who eat meals per day.
# The femail portion Ov these dear in
e nocent creatures, ro0l up their sleeves,
a and go down once a day, to the keel ov
}. their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov
: tie mex sum clothes, that would make
v the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she
e hadn't postponed living until Long
N Branch had bin invented, so that she
h could have got the style.
!. L advice all ov mi friends to come to
IS the Continental Hotel, and bring their
d best clothes with them.
Ie Long Branch haz menny things to
II interest the scholar, and the philan-
a thropist, among which iz the race
Is course, just bilt.
IS | attended this race-course lately,
le and saw sum very good rotary move.
d ments on it.
ar didn't bet, bekause hav alwus
ii been principled against loseing emmy
i. money.
-
D. | think could win emmy quantity ov
1T money, and not spile mi morality, but
a. the loss Ov q fu dollars, would cit mi
: virtew out ov repair for ages.
(, Long Branch IL also the home ov
vi the miscelaneous crab, and the world
renowned musketO.8 8 a.E
The crab is kaught in endless conftl-
:, sion at Pleasure Bay, cluss hi Long
Ill Branch. W tTE ~ lrm--@-t
r. He IL kaught bi tieing hard knot on
ne the other end ov a string, and then
ty dropping the string downin the water,
I'D and tickling the bottom Ov hiz feet
OF with the knot, In this way, sumtime-
d, he IL kaught, and sumtimes heiz knot.
w The musketo liz az natral to Nu Jer
to see az Jersee litening is.
It. The musket0 isamaryelOus l2alss. but
d, viii he ever wnz allowed teW take out
rs hiz papers, and travel, liz unknown to
e me, or emmy ov mi near relashuns.
Id If he haz emmy destiny tew fill, il
"a must be his stummuk, forhe IL the big
gest bore, ackorling tew the sizcov biz
gimblet, hav ever met seldom. 1t
:, don't look well for Philosopher few be
y fraektious at emmy thing, not even n
~ ~ bugg, but II emmy body ever hears me
ae swear tout loud he may know thare
" haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi
~ premises 4s..,4 te...,t, Hsf
" " cum tew long Branch lin company
= 3 with mi wife) at the opening on the
~ ~ season, and put up at the Continental
~ Hotel, and intend now, to keep putting
V. up thare, until the house shuts tib, if i
u. y. hav tew klimb the flagstaff 10 do it.
~ Every boldly who puts up at this ho-
~ tel, IL allowed tew put up regular, once
~ ~ d week, for biz board, and promiskuss
" This IL blessed privilege, (which
Y, sum folks kant ntinexer enjoy, until they
~ arc. deprived oy lttra l}rmruvM
~ - 1T viii then be forever, too late,
81 am one ov them cunning kritters
~ who, when they fititl q good hotel,
2a5 pound landlord, apd polite Oiilclals,
~ ~ dwell with Aheln heavily. 9Dnga
~ Khavsed before in writing about ho-
~ telsl that almost emmy boldly thinks
nv ~ they KnVw how lew keep hotel and
Y " 3kelf sbo hiote Jpolb but tliis ackoupts
Y y Cor TIRE gratis number ss kIIssie, poor
"a ~ hate alI0N 90 fIle ea'lilhT
nils1a 81 ssrHsazs-
I'M, Tl1e QUESTION nsaastlisr pDly ~ ~
,ei saei- tha sssln0ft lon of the seNR IA gle
n births has been caEetlliiys " A,
III GnmDbell, of London, VINO cohci9urs7