Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1870-10-18
NO.. 247
Mistellany.
JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTELS.


TIE yagrants, the married mans retreat,
and the bachelors freside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum
on the European plan, and menny ov them
on no plan ut all.
y good landlord IL like good step
mother, he knows hiz bizness and means
to do his duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with
JOY when a traveller draws nigh, he knows
how to SMILE he knows yure wifes faith
er when he waz living, and yure wife's
first husband, but he don't speak about
him.
lie kan tell whether it will rain to-mor-
row OF not; he hears yure complaints with
a tear in his eye, he blows up the servants
at yure suggestion, and stands around red
dv with Shirt collar ON as stiff as broken
china.
a man may be a good Supream Court
Judge, and at the same time be a miser-
able landlord.
Most every body thinks he kan keep
hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts
for the great number of hotels that air kept
on the same principle that Justiss ov the
Peace oiliss IL kept in a country during a
six days jury trial for killing sumboddy's
yello dorg.
~ hotCl NpHl hcGp lteCil anu hcSp LILO
landlord too and ever kure a traveller from
the habit of profane swearing.
hav had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes me swear
wuss.
1t is too often the kase that landlords go
into the Dizziness ov hash as ministers go
into the professhun, with the very best Ov
motives, but the poorest kind ov prospects.
| don't know of any Dizziness more flat
tersum than the tavern Dizziness; there
don't seem to be anything to do but to
stand in front ov the register with pen
behind the ear and see that the guests en-
ter the house, then yank bell-rope six or
seven times, and then tell John to sho the
gentleman to 976, and then take four dol
lars and fifty cents next morning from the
poor devil ov q traveller and let him went.
| This seems to be the whole thing (and
it IL the whole thing) in most cases.
You will diskover the following deskrip-
shun, a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out of
10 between the Atlantick and Paciick
Oshuns akrost the United States in a
straight line:
Yure room is 13 foot inches, by 9 foot
inches, parallelogramly.
1t being court week (es usuaD all the
good rooms are employed by the lawyers
and Judges.
You're room is on the uttermost foer.
The carpet is ingrain-ingraned with the
dust, kerosene lie and ink-spots OF four
generashuns.
There IL two pegs in the room to hitch
coats onto; one ov them broke oph and
the other pulled out and missing.
| The buro has three legs and one brick.
The glass to the burO swings on two
pvots which have lost their grip.
| Thare is one towel on the rack, thin,
| but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum
out ov the well.
The soap IL az tuff to wear az whet-
stone.
The soap is scented with cinnamon lie,
and variegated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, cane seeters, one
iz rocker, and all three IL busted.
Thare IL match box, empty.
Ihare iz no kurtin to the window, and
thare don't want to be any; yu kant see
out, and who kan see in?
The bell rope il cum oph about six inch
es this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL a modern slat bottom, with
| two mattresses, one cotton, and one husk,
and both harder, and about az thick az n
sea biskit.
lu enter the bed side ways and kan feel
every Stat at once, NJ easy az you could
the ribs of grid-iron
The bed il inhabited
| lu sleep some but roll over a good deal.
| For breakfast you have gong, and rhy
coffee too kold to melt butter; fried pota-
toes which resemble the chips that two
inch auger makes in its journey through
an oak log.
Bread soiled, beef steak about az thick
az a blister plaster, and as tough az
hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared
to death pickles on one ov them, and fly
endorsed crackers on the other
a pewterinktum castor with three bottles
in 1t, one without any pepper in 1t, one
without any mustard, and one with two
inches OF drowned flies, and sum vinegar
in it.
Servant gal, with hoops on, hangs around
yu earnestly, and wants to know if yu
want another cup ov coffee.
Yu say 'No nom, | thank w." and
push back yure chair
Yu havn't eat enuff to pay for picking
yure teeth
am about az selfconseated as it will
do for man to be and not crack open, but
never yet consulted that could Keep a ho-
tell had rather be highwayman than
to be sum landlords have visited with
Thare are hotels that are joy upon
earth, WHARF man pays hiz bill az cheer
fully AZ he did the parson who married
him; WHARF yu kant find the landlord un-
less yu hunt in the kitchen; WHARF servants
glide around like angels ov mercy; WHARF
the beds fit mans back like the feathers
on goose, and WHARF the vittles taste Just
az tho yure wife or yure mother had fried
them.
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt
on wheels and travel around the country;
they are Just az phull ov real comfort az
thanksgiving pudding, but alas they are
az unplenty az double-yoked eggs.
RETALIATIoN.--Ther was once brisk
rivalry at Westerly, r. l., between the
missionary of the Christian association and
an advertiser of patent medicines. The
former painted in large letters on fence,
! AN TInt -tall Il ha