New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1870-10-16
THE WEEKLY REPUBLICAN
CUsS THAT TRUNK :
A Legend of a Baggage Smasher
fErom the Hour Glass1

knew him. 1t was years ago. His name
was-well, call it bumps. If you ever get
into railroad struggle, where one struggles
to get another off the track, You will know
more about Bumps, or your friends will.
This Bumps was nice young man. His
hair was always cOmbed low down; he wore
brass buttons, and there was o mysterious
report current that he had been known to
call on the sherry for three on the fourth of
July, and actually paid for it-paid for it,
sir! We held him in awe, we boys did.
He could talk about lever watches, pointer
dogs, steam barges, and he could relate in
cidents of difficulties in prize rings SO beau
tifully that 7 used to wish to Knock some
one in the stomach, and break some ambi
tious Englishman's jawbOne.
If Bumps said anything, the whole town
swore it was So If he didn't say anything,
we stood back and waited for develop
ments.
At last he went way. His uncle used his
influence to get him position as baggage
master. / never heard OF him for years,
but was called one day to see him de-
went with great pleasure. Bumps was a
mere skeleton; his eyes were like saucers:
SO in bed. He told me all about it. He
drove everybody out OF the room, babe me
string up my nerves to hear a mOurntul
tale, and then he commenced. He went to
the railroad pure young man. He took
charge Of trunks and boxes, and commenced
by lifting them by the handles, and setting
them down carefully.
He had not served a month when the
president of the road called him into the
office, cut down his salary, and told him if
if there were any more complaints from the
conductor, Bumbs would be bumped out OF
berth. Then the young Han grew cold
and stern. He was bound to suit the rail
road corporation or die. He began by
walking up to a poor old chest belonging
to an orphan, and putting his foot through
the corner; the conductor saw the act; the
two shook hands, and wept for hours on
each others breast. Bumps had not made
eleven rods, retaining both handles in his
grasp. Innocent owners of such things
threatened him, and commenced suits
against him, and swOre they would never
ride on the road again. But Bumps was
firm. He was dignifed; he was solemn:
he was working for higher sphere; he
was treading in the path of duty.
When gentle females would hang up their
tender little baskets and, satchels, Bumps
would smile diabolical smile, and get in IL
corner and jump on the articles and toss
them up and kick them, and fling them
through ETHEREAL space. And when the train
stopped he would throw out a waterfall and
toothbrush in answer to call for check 49,"
Husbands would strike at him. and dared
him out of his den, and called him base
fiend but Bumps was solemn. He knew
his line of business. When he got hold Of a
nice trunk he would carry countenance
like strawberry for joyfulness. He would
jerk off one handle. then another, then kick
in the ends, then take an axe and smash the
lock, and then let the shirts and things
rattle out on the track
1t got SO at last that the people actually
paid high prices for the privilege of living
along the Line Of that road, as they got their
shirts for nothing. All that was needed
was to have the children follow up Bumps
train.
But there came black day. A misera-
BILE, contemplate, sneaking wretch, who
owned saw-miil, went travelling. He run
MS factories two weeks ON nothing but
trunk stuff, and he made the wickedeSt
trunk that ever went into car 1t was
seven feet thick all around, and there were
sixteen nails driven in one on top of the
other, until the thing was clear proof.
Then he gave it into Bumps hands, charg-
ing him to be very careful if he pleased
The train started. Bumps got the AK as
usual and struck at the lid but the ak
bounded back. He struck once more; the
AK flew to pieces. Then he got a crowbar
and can OF powder, bnt he couldn't burst
a rail. He swore and jumped up and down
and wanted to die, and wished he'd never
been born. He got all the train men in;
they all pounded, but the trunk held firm.
1t went through all right. 1t was handed
down without a jam, and the owner was
there to say, Thank you, sir" and he pre-
tended he was going back again, and had |
he chest put aboard once more.
Bumps grew pale. He grew sick. His
egs shook. He had chills all over him.
The trunk went back witness of "man's
humanity to man." Bumps grew worse.
He felt that he was forever disgraced, and
vent to bed with the brain fever. They |
ried to console him, and said that they
,ouid have trusted the chest if they had
thought of having collision, but the spirit
d the man was gone. l was there when he
lied. never want to weep as went then,
ne Just sunk right away, murmuring, "Cuss
that t-rsu-n-k ~ -.a.-