The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1870-12-16
THE STORY
OF THE
Good Little Boy who did not prosper,
DY MARK TWAIN.

| Once there was good little hoy bv
the name of Jacob Blivens. He always
obeyed his parents, no matter how alb
surd and unreasonable their demands
were and he always learned his book,
and never was late at Sabbath school
III e would not play hockey, even when
his sober judgment told him it was the
most profitable thing he could do. None
Of the other boys could ever make thai
boy out, he acted SO strangely. He
wouldn't lie, no matter how convent.
ent it was He just said it was wrong
to lie, and that was sufficient for him.
And he was so honest that he was sim
ply ridiculous. The curious ways that
Jacob had surpassed everything. He
wouldn't play marbles on Sunday, he
wouldn't rob birds nests, he wouldn't
give hot pennies to organ grinders
monkeys; he didn't seem to take any
Interest in any kind of rational amuse-
ment, SO the other boys used to try to
reason it out and come to an under
standing of him, but they couldn't ar
rive at any satisfactory conclusion; as
1 said before, they could only figure out
u sort Of vague idea that he was "afflc-
ted" and so they took him under their
projection, and never allowed any
harm to come to him.
This good little boy read all the Sun
day school books they were his great
est delight This was the whole secret
of it. He believed in the good little
boys they put in the Sunday school
books; he had every confidence in
them. He longed to come across one Of
them alive, once; but he never did.
They all died before his time, may be.
Whenever he read about a particularly
good one, he turned over quickly to the
end to see what became of him, because
he wanted to travel thousands of miles
and gaze on him: but it wasn't any
use that good little boy always died
in the last chapter, and there was a
picture of the funeral, with all his rela-
tions and the Sunday school children
standing around the grave in pantaloons
that were too short, and bOnnets that
were too large, and everybody crying
into handk erchiefs that had as much as
yard and half of stuff in them. He
was always headed off in this way. He
never could see one of those good little
boys, on account of his always dying in
the last chapter.
Jacob had noble ambition to be put in
a Sunday school book. He wanted to
I he put in, with pictures representing
him gloriously declining to lie to his
mother, and she weeping for joy about
, it; and pictures representing him stand.
ing on the door step giving a penny to
poor beggar woman with six children
and telling her to spend it freely, but
not to be extravagant, because extraVa-
gancc is Il sin; and pictures of him
magnanimousy refusing to tell on the
bad 10Y who always lay in wait around
the corner, as he came from school, and
Welted him over the head with Il lath,
and then chased him home, saying,
eli! hi !" as he proceeded. That was
the ambition of young Jacob BiiVens.
l He wished to be put in Sunday school
book. 1t made him feel a little uucOn-
Portable sometimes when he reflected
that the good little boys always died.
He loved to live, you know, and this
Z was the most unpleasant feature about
being Sunday school book boy. He
knew it was not healthy to be good. He
knew it was more fatal than consump.
tiOn to be so supernaturally good as the
, boys in the books were; he knew that
none of them had ever been able to
stand it long, and 1t panied him to
4 think that If they put him in book he
wouldn't ever see 1t, or even if they
did get the book out before he died, II
wouldn't be popular without any pic
ture of his funeral In the back part OF
if. 1t couldn't be much of a Sunday
school book that couldn't tell about the
advice he gave to the community when
he was dying. So, at last, of course, he
had to make up hrs mind to do the best
he could under the circumstances-to
live right, and hang on as long as he
could, and have his dying speech all
ready when his time came
But somehow nothing ever went right
with this good little boy; nothing ever
turned out with him the way it turned
out with the good little boys in the
books. They always had a good time,
and the bad boys had the broken legs ;
but in his case there was a screw loose
somewhere, and it all happened just the
other way. When he found jim Blake
stealing apples. and went under the
tree to read to him about the had little
boy who fell out of neighbor's apple
tree, and broke his arm. Jim fell out oi
the tree too, but he fell on him and
broke his arm, and Jim wasn't hurt nj
all. Jacob couldn't understand that
There wasn't anything in the books
like it.
And once, when some had hovs pushed
a blind man over in the mui, and IA
cob ran TO help him M and receive his
blessing. the blind man did not give
him any blessing at all but whacked
him over the head with his stick and
said he would like to catch him shovine
him again and then pretending to help
him up. This was not in accordance
with any OF the books. Jacob looked
them all over to see.
One thing that Jacob wanted to dc
was to find lame dog that hadn't any
place to stay, and was hungry and per
secuted, and bring him home, and pc
him and have that dogs imperishablC
gratitude. And at last he found one
and was happy; and he brought hin
home and fed him, hut when he wa
going to pet him, the dog flew at hin
and tore all the clothes Off him except
those that were in front, and made {
IS pectacle of hi m that was astonishing,
He examined authoities hut he pOull