Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1870-04-01
HUME

HulMOr.
Men who dot the i's-Pugilists.
How to find happincss-Look in diction-
airy.
Dogs can't sing Old Hundred, but they
can howl like sixty.
Whatever you dislike in another, take
care to correct in yourself.
The latest name for drunkenness is ''alco-
holic sprightliness.
The bills Of the Gas Companies are now
styled "the Charge of the Light Brigade. "
Young gentlemen who are fascinated by
the ''curl of the period" are styled switch
tenders
A bankrupt returned as his assets nine
children. The creditors acted magnani-
mously and allowed him to keep them.
A lady appeared at a fancy ball as Ami
ability. Her husband did not recognize
her.
"Gently the dcws are Ger me stealing
as the man said when five due bills were
presented him at one time
An engineer in mill in Indian doesn't
wear long English whiskers any more
They caught in shaft revolving 600 times
minute, the other day, and the result was
a clean shave.
The worst sold man in America lives at
afa TpJ; II h,o
up a clock every night for seventeen years,
and last week, by accident, found out that
it was an eight-day clock.
What's that ?" said a teacher, pointing
at the letter x. to a little ragged urchin
eDaday's name No, no, my boy Yes it
is. I've seen him write it good many
times.
Two wags were speaking about the fancy
dresses they intended wearing at forthcom-
ing ball "Oh," said comic, II shall 90
disguised in liquor" Don't" was the
immediate reply, "eyery one will recognize
YOU
A tradesman down town objected the
other day to receive from one of his custo.
mers note at thirty days. on the ground
that he might die before that time die !"
exclaimed the customer, ''who ever heard
OF man dying within thirty days?'
QUIzz1No. "A song that is just now very
popular in the London music halls has the
unusual feature of funniness in the idea
The chorus runs thus -
81 saw Esau kissing Kate,
And the fact is We all three saw;
FOR saw Esau, he me,
ana she SAW saw Esau."
A young and sprightly widow once ap-
peared at masquerade at Bath, England,
with paper pinned to her bosom bearing
he following lines:
TO oe let on lease Cor the term of my life,
|. Sylvia J., in the shape of s. wife,
am young, though not handsome, good natured
though thin
For further particulars, pray inquire within.
At Ottumwa, Iowa, nice young man
put a sheet around him to scare a Dutchman.
The Teutonic gentleman says, II shust
jump my wagon out, and vip der COST all
the time would vip him if be was a whole
grave. yard Some one asked the young
man what allied his black eye, and he said
he had received bad news from Germany
Born Coon Men They tell this story
at the expense Of a Virginia lawyer Once
upon a time when he had gained a case, his
opponent told him he would appeal it, and
he replied, Every I'll we'll meet you at Ma
liohi." But brother lawyer whispered to
him, "Philippi, Philippi;;" when he said,
Every we'll y adding, s'Malichi or Phillippi
they were both good men,"
Since the story has been told how Judge
Breckenridge married a country girl that he
saw jump over rail fence with pail on
her head. it is said that out in Orange
county, all the young women are putting
water pals on their heads and jumping rail
fences from morning till night. As soon
as they see a carraiage come along the road
with man in it they snatch their pail and
go for the fence
Not long since called upon some lady
friends OF mine, and was ushered into the
parlor by the servant girl. She asked what
name she should announce, and wished
to take them by surprise, and replied,
Anxious Ga friend, She seemed at first q
little puzzled, but quickly regaining her
composure, she, in the blandest manner
possible, observed, ''What kind Of cuss,
sir?"
A certain Methodist preacher, happening
to be in company with good housewife
who prided herself upon making the best
cakes, sauces, and fries in the country, took
occasion to reprimsnd what be conceived to
be the spirit of gluttony liz the good lady.
She had been expatiating with eonsidera-
bic degree OF apparent relish upon the COM
paratlve merits of butter, lard, dripping,
ETC., for shortening, for making cakes.
pastry. ETC., when the preacher said that he
could tell her what was better than anything
she had mentioned whats that % said
she. ''God,s grace y replied the man of
devotion, 10 which the lady, who vas
rather hard o: hearing. retosted: sGoose
grease o. goose grease is very good, I
know, but | always like butter good deal
better"
Inc following good and truthful story is
told by gentleman who went to visit some
old Indiana friends in Boone county. Iowa
The family consisted of the husband, bis
wife and two grown sons The good old
Lady was the only one of the family who did
not take little of the 80 be joyful. -
Sitting by the fire few minutes, the old
man tipped him wink, and the visitor fol-
lowed him out Stopping by a tree, he
pulled out long necled bottle, remarking,
Il have to keep this hid, for the boys might
get to drinking, and the old woman would
RAISE the ID" They took drink and
returned to the areside Sooa Tom, the
eldest son, asked the visitor out to see
colt, and taking him behind the barn, pull
ed out flask, remarking, II have to keep
This hid for Tho old ,,a. IL, -