Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1870-10-04
Lunch for -HaS231O2'SstS.


We think man carries the borrowing prin-
ciple too far when be asks US to lend him our
ears.
When did Noah go into the wine business
He made port about forty days after the deluge
began.
The Boston lecturer who has been trying to
prove that man is a vegetable has himself turn
ed out to be dead beat.
What is that we eat and drink at festive oc-
casions though it is sometimes woman and
sometimes man? A toast
Perhaps money is the root of all evil but
it is one of those succulent and grateful roots
for which we are quite willing to dig.
William Rowe was arrested in Western
town the other day for beating his wife with a
hoe-as if a man hadn't a right to hoe his own
Rowe.
GAS soldier" says Chicago letter, sGen-
eral Sheridan has no match" Then let him
do as he did hundreds of times In the Shenan-
doah Valley-use chunk of fire.
Fancy" said Sidney Smith to some ladies.
when he was told that one of the giraffes at the
geological Gardens had caught cold. "a Of
ratfe with two yards Of sore throat
Some crusty wiseacre says: "a woman is like
unto tar melt her, and she will take any form
you please And if she don't please ten to
one, she will take the form of Tartar
A New York lady complains that the first
year of her married life her husband called her
my DEAR the second year sMrs. b." and
the third year odd sorrel top" which was too
much for her to bear"
An adolescent youth felt proud the other
night, when fair deceiver propounded the
conundrum, why are your whiskers like a base
ball match p He felt worse when she said
because there are nine on side
A Staunton serenader sang, ssI' m thinking
Love, Of thee," when the descent Of about four
gallons of water from an upper window proved
that her papa was thinking of him. He then
sang There nary foot can shake BOOT like
this ere foot of mine -
We see it stated that in Indiana the census
taker discovered young lady who was happy
IN the cognOmen Of Jane Juliette Isalina Ara
minia Muscadora Peeks. How solemn that
name will look on a tombstone! In Ohio fam
lily was found where the first son was named
Imprimis, the second Finis, and the three 9TH
ers Appendix, Addendum and Erratum.
An economical method of producing the
Grecian Bend has been discovered. On rising
IN the morning before breakfast, take on an
empty stomach, one pint of green chestnuts,
tNO ioi &c green dppl0S, Hdi d pOuuU OF raw
cabbage, and quarter Of pound Of honey
A little milk and vinegar will add to the effect.
The bend IN the most approved form, will APP
pear in about half an hour
During the long French war two old ladies in
Stramsaer we're going to the kirk the one said
to the other, WAS it not wonderful thing
that the British were ye victorious over the
French In battle p Not bit" said the other
old lady; 'dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say
their prayers before ga in into battle? The 9th
er replied, But Gamma the French say their
prayers as weel?' The reply was most char
acterstlc: "Hoot. jabbering bodies, who could
understand them ?''
We heard Of boy the other day, who acct
dentay swallowed silver half dollar. They
gave him warm water and tartar emetic, and
antlmonial wine, and poked their fingers down
hls throat, until the boy thought be would
throw up his toe nails. After awhile along
came doctor, who understood these cases.
He gave the boy small dose of patent medi-
cine, and In less than ten minutes he threw up
the half dollar In five cent pieces Science is a
big thing.
SLoW.-ln certain region in Virginia YOU
will ind every few miles turb mills for grinding
corn, nearly all OF which are very slow. Neil
= had the honor of being the presiding ge-
MUS over one OF the slowest Of turbs. Having
.iio Lii OuO uioIuiilg, u0 UTOcGGCou TO
get his breakfast but lad not been long seated
at table when his dog set up furious barking
IN the direction of the mill. Thinking the an
lmal had freed possum, he hurried to the
spot, and found that the dog had eaten the
meal up and was barking at the spout for more"
Mark Twain has executed for the Buffalo
Express clever burlesque upon the war maps
OF the Tribune 1t is entitled the Fortified
tons OF Paris, and exhibits the positions of
st Cloud, Vlncennes, the Erie Canal, Jersey
City and Omaha. Accompanying it are ''offi-
cal concentrations General Grant says -
= 1t IS the only map Of the kind [ ever saw
bazalne says If had had this map I would
nave got out OF Metz without any trouble. -
y: Smith writes that it completely cured his
wife OF freckles, and Napoleon admits that sit
is very nice, large print.
the hotels of Omaha are not yery desirable as
boarding or lodging houses. Recently a guest
sent IN a bill of $63 to the landlord for killing
SOU DeQ-pugs at seven cents a piece.
," nile on the subject we will mention another
adventure that occurred day or so ago. A
gentleman was looking over hotel register,
m NJ ais eye caught sight of one of these pests
OF creation travelling about leisurely over the
page lie turned quietly to friend and re-
ansrked: We'll this is the first hotel | ever
saw where the bed-bugs look over the reristar
10 see see what room you occupy"
hat are you disturbing the whole house
With your, yells in this way for?'' demanded
Saratoga landlord Of a guest whom he fonnd
late at night seemingly in active pursuit Of in
visible foes, and yelling at the ton of his voice
m shouting the battle-cry of hea-dom AN.
sWered the guest, as he went ahead with b;s
search and his yes. WIN Liz
NOTHING LIKE GRAMMAR. lie
grammar Better go without a COW than on
without that. There are numberless .nrofes.
sors who go tramp, tramp, tramp, nv bows
around the country, pedding weak article.
by which in twenty days" they guarantee to-
set man thoroughly up in the English Ian
guage. An instance in point comes from Ala
bama, where professor had labored with
the youth OF that people, and taught them to
dote On grammar according to morris svs-
tenn" During one Of the lectures the sentence
Mary milks the COW, was given out to he
parsed Each word had been parsed save one.
which fell to Bob Il, sixteen wear old
near the foot of the class, who Commenced
thus: Cow is noun, feminine gender sin
gular number, third person, and stands for Ma
ry.' Stands for Mary p said the t excited
professor. How do you make that ont 81
Because answered the noble n,,n;l ss;e IL