The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1870-02-03
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A wife's farewell to her husband every
morning-"buy, buy
A gun has been invented warranted to kill
fourteen miles-suitable for the home guards
An inveterate old bachelor says that ships
are called she because they always keep a
man on the lookout. If.f FQ
A couple in Kansas mystcriously lost their
infant child. They found at last that it had
rolled out Of a crack in the cabin 4s
A minister of Winterset, Iowa, stated in
his sermon that 'sthc Bible was the most i'm
portant work published in the United States. -
A bore meeting Douglas Jerrold said
well what's going on to day p L am ex-
claimed Jerrod darting by the inquirer.
.Woman-Thcre is purple half to the
grape, a mellow half to the peach, sunny
side to the globe, and better half to man
What shall do to keep warm? asked a
shivering, slightly dressed lady. I don't
know, said a solemn Quaker, unless thee puts
on another breastpin.'
An Indianncss had her drunken husband
served with notice Of divorce suit, and the
first thing he discovered when he got sober
was that he was single.
The ''grl Of the period" one hundred years
ago wore sharp needle in the end of her
stays, which prickcd her chin unless she held
her head up.
Mrs. Elizabeth Stanton says that after a
woman is married there is nothing more
heard of her. Many victimized husbands
would rejoice if this were really true.
Francis Robinson, of Blackinston, Conn,
was bitten by mad dog thirty years ago,
and about once month ever since has had
fits, during which he barks like dog and
froths the mouth.
A New Haven man has argued with a
prominent merchant until the said merchant
has agreed to let the mans wife alone. He
used a seven shooter. This is an old argu-
mcnt; but it appears to fetch 'em.
In Chicago husbands are said to be so much
under petticoat government that they add to
their announcement O. futu cmcns The
letters "W. 2" which means s'wife permit
tiag."
A young lady explained to her inamorata
the distinction between printing and publish
ing, and at the conclusion Of her remarks, by
way of illustration. she said: GU may print a
kiss on my cheek, but you may not publish
it, eaa
A Mrs Susan Jones, who has lived with
Mr.. Reuben Jones for seventeen years, and
borne him eight Joneses, seeks relief in the
divorce Courts, on the ground that she had
just felt an irresistible passona attraction for
rich old bachelor, a Mr.. Reuben Garth
waite. Poor, poetical, passional Mrs. Jones
My dear Ellen said a young man, I have
long wished for this sweet opportunity, but I
hardly dare trust myself to speak the emo
tions Of my heart but declare to you my
dear Ellen, that love you most tendery-
Yoursmies would shed-would she'd"
Never mind the wood shed, said Ellen, but
60 on with your pretty talk
CHATS WHAT'S THE MATTER" "A CAL
ifornia poetess writes:
OF the girls on this coast, from Miss Dick
inson's tongue,
A stranger might judge in harsh manner;
But we know the poor thing has no girls of
her own.
And that's what's the matter with Anna.
"Ifyou ever think Of marrying widow, nv
son." said an anxious parent to his heir, ase-
lect one whose first husband was hung that's
the only way to prevent her throwing his
memory in your face. and make annoying
comparisons" Given that won't prevent it."
exclaimed crusty old bachelor; she'll then
praise him, and say hanging aoouzd be too good
for you."gaH ~ ssaa i.
"May itplease the court" said Yankee
lawyer, before Dutch justice the other day,
''this is case of general Importance while
the American eagle; whose slcepless eyes
watches over the welfare Of this great Repub-
lie, aud whose wings extend from the ALLIE
ghanics to the Rocky chain Of the west, was
rejoicing in his pride of place"
"Shtop dare ! l say vat has dis suit to do
nit eagles Dis has notin to do nit the wild
bird. 1t is Won sheep" exclaimed the JUS
tice $50 -
True, your honor, but my client has
rights"
"Your glicnt has no right to de eagle."
"Of course not; but the laws oflanguage-"
"What cares for the laws of language
eh ? | understand the State laws, and dat ish
enough for me. Confne your talk to de case"
"Well, then my client, the defendant in
this case, is charged with stealing sheep,
and"
"Dat viii do! dat will do. Your CLIENT char
z ID nit stealing a sheep, jes nine shillin.-
The COURT Will adjourn" Is