The States and Union. [volume] (Ashland, Ohio) 1868-1872, 1870-09-14
HUMOROUS.

-r -
A New York tailor was startled,
the other day, by the return of a bill
he had sent to a magazine editor, with
n notice. that the manuscript was re-
spectfully declined"
"Young man, do you believe. IN a
future state?" SIN course / duz /;
what's more, Imean to enter it as
soon as Betsyigets her things ready.
Law is beccming..a favorite study
with strong-minded young ladies'
They doubtless all hope to become
mothers in-law.
A poet wrote of his departed love.
We haIlow her grave with u tears
but the wicked printer set it up:-
I'VE will harrow her grave with our
steers"
Ona gate post in front of a farm
house in Illinois, is a sign which reads
as . follows: "sTake warnin'-No
tracs, norliEe inshurans, no SO in ma
sheens wanted heer."
The latest thing in fashion to take
the place made vacant by the retire
ment of the Grecian bend, is the
Boston Dip 1t is simply a limp
with the north foot. A m with
the Boston dip acts as though she
were foundered.
It was in Louisville last week that
a gentleman accosted an Irishman at
work on the Fifth street sewer with,
"Well, Pat, you are digging out a
big hole here. "Be COB an ye're
mistaken sir. It's the dirt Pm diggin'
out and havin' the hole"
Word was sent to the City1 Mar
shall of Augusta that q fellow was
selling lickers from q wagon in Mar
ket Square. He went to arrest him
and confiscate his stock and found
himself the victim of an atrocious
pun. The man3was peddling horse
whipst
Ayoung man who carried a COL
lection plate in service, before start
ing took from his pocket a fve-cent
piece, as he supposed, put 1T on the
plate, and then passed it around
among the congregation, which inclu-
ded many young girls. The girls, as
they looked at the plate, all seemed
astonishcd and much amused, and
the young man, taking a glance at the
plate, found that, instead of a nickle
fve.cent piece. he had a conversation
lozenge on the plate.with the words,
"WM you marry me y in red letters
staring everybody right in the face.
A traveller ,fatigued with the mo-
notony of a long ride through a sparse
ly settled region of the ccuntry, rode
up TO a boy who was engaged in trim
ming and dressing out a sickly look
ing field of corn, andihe relieved the
oppression of his spirit thus:
@My young man it seems. to me
your corn is rather small"
HYes, daddy planted the small
kind.n h5
"Ahi But it appears rather yellow,
Eyes, daddy. planted the yellow
From appearances, my lad, gyou
won't get more than half a CROP
"Just half, stranger-daddy plant
ed it on halves"
The herseman proceeded on his
way, and has not been known to speak
to a boy since.
William Simpson, of Wlkesbarre,
is in love. A few nights ago he be-
came fretful under the impression
that another man was sparkling the
angel of his soul So he placed a
board against the window sill III the
yard, and climbed up. He caught a
mere glance of that degraded outcast
of a rival string in the parlor with one
arm buried beneath a shawl. Just
thea the board slipped and slid down
the house with such a laundering noise
that it woke up the watch dog, who
Immediately interviewed Mi. Simp-
son in a very soci .ble manner. Mr..
Simpson carried away the conviction
that that dog must be an Odd Eel
low, because he had such a magnif-
cent grip. The dog also carried some
thing away, he carried away four Gu
bic inches of the most succulent por-
ton Of William Simpsons left calf.
Dey may rail against women as
much as dey like, said a darkey late
ly "dey can't set me against dem ; l
hab always in my life found dem to
be the first in lub, fust in a quarrel,
fust in the dance, fust in de ice-cream
saloon and de fust best and de last in
de sick ROOM. What would we do
without dem? Let us be born as
young, as ugly, as helpless as we
please and woman's arm am ready to
receive us. She it am dat guv us our
Just dose OBJ castor oil, and puts clothes
On our helpless marked limbs, and
cHbters up our foots. and bones in