Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1869-12-24
The Josh Billings Papers-Female Re.
marks.
DEAR girls, arc WI in sarch ov n

DEAR girls, are yu in sarch ov hus-
bandY
This IL pumper, and yu are not re.
quired tew say "Yes" out loud, but are
expekted tew throw yure eyes down into
the earth, az tho yu waz loolkin fur pin,
and reply tew the interrogation with a
kind Of drawd in sigh, az tho yu waz eat
ing an oyster, juice and all, Off from the
half shell.
Not tow press so tender theme until it
becomes thorn in the flesh, we will pre-
sumo (tew avoid argumenD that yu are
on the lookout fur sumthing in the male
line tew boost yu in the uphill ov life,
and tew keep his eyes on the britching
when yu begin tew go down the other
side ov the mountain. Let me give yu
sum small chunks oy advice how tew spot
yure future husband;
/. The man who IL Jellous ov every lit
tic attenshun which yu git from sum other
fellow, yu will find, after yu are married
tew him, luvs himself moro than he duz
yu, and what yu mistook fur solissitudc,
yu will diskover, ha2 changed into indif.
ference. Jellousy isn't a heart disease, it
IL u liver komplaint.
2. A mustash IL not Indispensable it IL
only n little more hair, and IL good deal
like moss and other excrcssences- often
duz the best on sile that won't raize emmy
thing else. Don't torgt that those things
which yu admire in fellow before mar
riage, yu will probably hav tew admire in
a husband after, and mustash will git
tew be very weak diet after long time
.. If husbands could be took on trial, az
Irish cooks are, tew.thirds ov them would
probably be returned; but there don't
seem tew be emmy law fur this. There
fore, girls, you will see that after you git
man, you hav got tew keep him, even il
yu lose on him, Consequently, if yu hav
got emmy cold vittles in the house try him
on them, once in while, during securing
season, and if he swallers them well, and
sez he will take sum more, he IL man
who, when blue Monday Gums, will wash
well.
4. Don't marry pheller who IL alwuz
q telling how hiz mother duz things. Itiz
az hard tew suit theZe men az it IL tew
wcan young one,
o. IL yung man kan beat yu playing
on pianncr, and kant hear sh-horn
playing in the street without turning a
back summersett on account ov the musick
that IL in him, ! say skip him; he might
answer tew tend babe, but IL yu set him Il
hoeing out the garden, yu will find that
yu hav got tew do it yurself. A man
whoze whole heit lies in musick land not
very heity at that, amt no better fer a
husband than Il seedltz powder, but if he
luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle
ballad, yu will find him, mellow, aud so
soit. But don't marry ennybody for jist
one virtew emmy quicker than yu would
flop man for jist one fault,
q. II IL one ov the most tuffest things
for female tew be an old maid successful
" A I.,. -. a 4
bad job OF il, EVrybody seems tew look
upon old maids iist az they do upon dried
harbs-in the garret handy for sickness
and-theretore, girls, il amt a mistake
that yu should be willing tew swop yur-
self oph, with sum true phellow fur true
husband. The swop IL a good one, but
don't swop fur emmy man who is reSpekta-
BILE jist because hiz father IL. Nu had bet
ter be an old maid fur 4 thousand years,
and then join the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price. Nowoman ever
made this trade who didn't git either a
| phool, a mean cuss, or clown fur q hus.
band.
Z. In digging down into this subject, /
find the digging grows harder the further
| | git II IL mutch easier to inform YOU
who not to marry, than who tew, fur the
reason there IL more ov them.
| don't think yu will foller mi advice, II
Civ it; and therefore will keep ii, for /
look upon adyis az do upon caStorrile--a
mean dose tew Civ, and mean dose tew
take.
But must say one thing, girls, or spilc.
IL yu kan find a bright-eyed, healthy and
well,ballasted boy, who looks upon pov.
erty az sassy AZ child looks upon wealth,
who had rather sit down ON the curb stun,
IN front of the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a
ham sandwich, than tew go inside and
run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick-
one who IL armed with that kind ov pluck
that mistakes a defeat fur a victory, my
advis IL tew take him body and Sole--snare
him at unst, fur he II a stray trout, oy a
breed very skase in our waters.
Take HIM, i say, and bid onto him. az
hornets bild onto tree.