Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1869-11-05

s., 200, 900 and a Hebrew, in Vienna
Lancaster, Pa, has gone Republi
can for the first time in eleven years
The New York Herald announce
Father Hyacinthe as its candidate
for the next Pope.
Cincinnati has young lady lee
turer only seventeen years old wh'
opposes female suffrage.
Make your company rarity, ant
people will value 1t. Men despis'
what they can easily have.
A wag once remarked with a very
grave countenance, that, howevel
prudent and virtuous young widows
might be, he had seen many wild
ow.err."
A retired schoolmaster excuses his
passion for angling by saying that
from constant habit, he never feels
quite himself unless he's handling
the rod.
"If people knew beforehand what
misery it brings" said a Japanese
poet, "there would be less going out
with young ladies to look at flowers
by night
As test of the christian timber In
a man, just set him to putting up an
old mismatched stove-pipe, and keep
him at it for an hour. If be don't
swear, he is seasoned.
A young Californian went to sleep
leaving his candle in the bung-hole
of a powder-keg. He was picked up
i'm the morning In the vacant lots OF
the neighborhood.
Mammals darling didn't hurt his
little cousin purposely, did he dear 7
Tt was all an accident, to be sure"
-Yes. mamma, and all want is to
get a chance to crack him again."
A couple of fellows who were pref
Nv well soaked with bad whisky got
into the gutter. After fioundering
about for few minutes. one Of them
said; Jim, let's go to another house;
this hotel leaks"
John P. Irish gravely brings In an
account against N. Ell. Brainard OF
$50, OOO-that being the amount lost
by the people of johnson county las
John alleges by giving improper ad-
vice on the railroad bond question.
You had better lay in your coal
SON." said Spiggle's wife to him tie
wife to him the other night when he
was starting down street, and Sprig-
giles obeyed. He came home intoxi-
Gated. and laid in his coal all night.
A down east journal suggests that
congress make an appropriation to
keen the Louisville Convention In
permanent sessIon-.it makes the old
fellows so happy to talk and make
reports and does nobody any harm.
Blessed are they that are ignorant,
for they are happy i'm thinking they
know everything. Blessed are the
orphan children, for they have no
mother TO spank them. Blessed are
they that do not advertise, for they
are not bothered with customers.
A greenhorn, standing behind q
sewing machine at which a young
lady was at work, looking alternate
ly at the machine and its fair opera
tive, at length gave vent to his adj
m'ration with BY golly, its purity,
Especially the part covered with
calico"
A toast for the ladies-Old bache.
lors, may they lie on a bed OF needles
sit alone on wooden stool-eat
alone on a wooden trencher-minus
the bosom and shirt collar buttons
oil winter, and be their own kitch-
en-maid! Shocking Nearly as
bad as the Pope's curse.
One sometimes finds spicy reading
i'm the official bulletins of the govern
mental departments. Thus, Pepper
vile is the name of Postoffice in
Nebraska, and Strong Pepper the
Postmaster, who was commissioned
there this week. He has probably
been mustard i'm by this time.
President Grant facetiously re-
marked the other day, that he thought
of recommending in his first an
nual message the passage of an act of
Congress providing for the confisca-
ton and discontinuance of any news
paper, magazine, or other publica-
cation which hereafter refers to the |
subject of the Byron scandal In its
columns.
A Sunday School teacher was Civ.
ing lesson on Ruth. She wanted
to bring out the kindness of Boaz in
commanding the reapers to drop
larger handfulls of wheat. Now
children, Boaz did another very nice
thing for Ruth can you tell ME
a sAI bA
said one of the boys.
A little five years old boy was be-
ing instructed in morals by his
mother. The old lady told him that
all such terms, as" by golly," by
lingo" "by thunder" etc., were
only minced oaths, and but little bet
ter than any other profanity. In
fact, she said he could tell profane
oath by the prefix of by-all such
were oaths. "WeM then, mother"
said the little hopeful theirs big
oath i'm the newspapsrs-by tele-
graph" The old lady gave it up.
and the boy is bewildered on morals.
A Soapy Sloper, with heavy, hairy
alornments on his frontispiece, aud
rejoicing in the name Of Holman,
announced lecture on the Pacific
Slope at Muscatine. He advertised
and localized, and benzineized, and
told no end of lies. The evening
came, and two men, one woman and
a "purp" assembled to hear him.
Not seeing the fun of talking to this