Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1869-05-07
Wise and Otherwisc.


A Cincinnati schoolgirl was lately
poisoned by sucking the ink from
her pen.
A cynical husband says the only
good luck he ever had was when his
wife ran away from him.
A journal speaking of the inten-
ton of an actress to play an engage
ment in Pittsburg, says that city
Twill just SCOT her."
Dickens, i'm speaking of pawnbro.
kers, duplicates, says they are the
turnpike tickets on the road to pow
erty.
A young lady in California broke
her neck while resisting the attempt
of a young man to kiss her.
A tombstone in Maine, erected in
memory of a wife, bears the inscrip-
ton: "Tears cannot restore her,
therefore weep"
"Tonr, who did you say our friend
Brown married ?'
"well, he married forty thousand
dollars; I forget her. ether name."
Mr.. Swearingin has been appointed
postmaster in Arkansas; but while
he is Swearing in several other conf
petitors are swearing outside.-Chi-l
cdgo Post.
A smart female i'm the Treasury
Department having called Butler
"spoons," he SO far exemplified his
nickname as to scoop her out Of her
place.
The following advertisement ap-
pears i'm the personal" column of
the New York Tribune: Feeling
sence of outlines / request oil we'll
disposed persons to pray to God for
me. FRANK"
Mr.. Beecher has made the last and
best contribution to the literature OF
the amusement question. He says
that when an amusement becomes
demoralized it Is better to get new
one than to put the old one in hos
pital.
A man drinking lgin and molasses
in Albany, the other day, accidental
ly swallowed small piece of chip
from the molasses cask, which pro-
duced Inflammation Of the stomach
and death. A sad warning to those
who take molasses with their gin.
A German wrote an obituary on
the death of his wife, of which the
following is copy: IF mine wife
had lived until next Friday she
would have been dead shust two
weeks. Nothing is possible with the
Almighty. AS de tree falls, SO must
IL stand"
A fortunate fellow says that his
wagon tires wear out before they get
loose. The reason is that before the
tires are put on he saturates the fell
loes in hot linseed oil for an hour,
making them water proof, so that
the shrinking and swelling that
loosens the tire are prevented.
Papa" said a boy, "what Is
punctuation?
at is the art Of putting stops, my
child"
"Then I wish you'd go down into
the cellar and punctuate the cider
barrel, as the cider is running all
over the floor"
A little girl was very fond of
preaching to her dolls. Her mother
one day heard her reproving one of
them for being SO wicked. "Oh, you
naughty, sinful child" she said,
shaking the waxen limbs, you'll go
to the lake of birthstone and you
wont burn up-you'll just sizzle."
Railroad official-"You had better
not smoke, Sir" Traveler-"That's
what my friends say" Official
"But you must not smoke, sir"
Traveler-"That's what the doctor
tells me-" Official Indignantly,
"But you shan't smoke, sir!" TRAY
eler-"Ah! that's what my wife
says"
"When the pledge" was being
circulated at temperance meeting a
decidedly inebriated individual pre-
scented himself and offered his sig
nature. The chairman remarked,
''This is a very important step, my
friend, and trust you realize the re-
sponsibility you are assuming."-
"Oh, I can stand the (hic) 'sponsi-
bility, was the response, "I've done
| it lots of times before"
Carrie Moore, the velocipede per-
former, picks up two chairs, one in
each hand, while riding, and carries
them around the room makes
Fights and curves without the use of
the hands makes circuit of the
room without the use of hands or
feet |; standson one foot on the saddle,
and performs the feat of passing the
hoop over the head and manages to
get through it while riding Mexican
fashion.
Mrs. Cady Stanton expects, in
twenty years to be "helding conven-
tions on the banks of ths river Jor-
dan with Eve, Sarah, Rebecca, HUI
dab, Deborah, Miriam, Ruth, Naomi,
Sheba, Esther, Vashti, Mary, Eliza
beth, Priscilla and Phoebe, Tryphose,
and all the strong-minded women
honorably mentioned in sacred his
tory" 1t was perhaps in anticipa.
ton of such Woman's Convention
that those banks were called "Jor-
dams stormy banks" |
Look To Your FURs.-Furs will soon
be laid aside for some eight months,
and it is all important that until that
time they should be secured against
moths, their mortal enemy. Furs are
costly, and beautiful as well as usfuI,
but nothing looks worse then shabby
furs, made 80 the from the destructive
iprnado ~ tho s,,nth |