Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1869-04-07
THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS
SPRING AND BTLES.


usual, hail butuous virgin, 5. 600 Years old
and upwards, hale and hearty old gal.
welcum tew York State and parts adjacent
Now the birds Jaw, now the cattle hol-
Ter, now the pigs skream, now the geese
MARBLE, now the kats sigh, and natur is
risky the earnest p'ssmire, the virtuous
bed-bug and the nobby cockroaoh are
singing Yankee Doodle and coming thru
the rhi." Now may be seen the nuske-
teer, that gray outlined critter oy destiny,
solitary and alone, examining his last
years bill, and now may be heard, with the
naked ear, the hoarse shanghigh, bawling
in the barnyard - 6 5E-
Kittens in the doorway, and puppies on.
the green, neighbof chats with neighbor,
md the languid urchia creeps listless to-
ward the school These things are all first
rate in their places, bat spring brings
pesky biles, and plants them earelessly.
sometimes among the maiden's charms,
and sometimes among the young mems.
I kan tork like pressure poet about biles
Just now, for have one in fu,l bloom
growing on Inc, almost reddy to pick, az
big az al eggplant, and as full Of anguish
az broken heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their size
on reckord, and as kross tew the touch az
setting hen, or a dog with fresh bone.
Biles alwus pick out the kandyest Places
OF your body tew bid their nest, and if
you undertake to brake them up, it only
makes them mad, and takes them longer
to hitch out There amt no such thing az
il,
are ike an impudent bed bug, they won't
move till they hav got their fill. L
Biles are az old ez religion. Job, the
profit, Waz the first champion or biles,
and he is currently reported tew hav more
biles and more pashunce to the square
inch than emmy one-two very rare things
to be found in emmy man.
Btles and paskancei should as soon
think ov mixing conrting and muskeeters
together, for luxury.
I ha7 got a CRATE deal more faith than
I have pa8hunce, but haint got enough
faith in biles, wouldn't trust a bile, even
on one ov mi boots.
I think faith il better artikle than pa
shunce. Faith sumtimes IL an evidence
OF brains, and pashuncc quite often il
only dumbness, but i don't think in these
smoothe shod times it IL best to hav too
mulch capital invested in either ov them.
But am out ov the road, must git
back iato biles agin. 5sa
IF a fellow begins teW wander, and git
out OF the straight and narrow path, it is
curious how quick he will begin to go to
the, Biles are very sassy sumtimes
when yer go to set down, they will git
between yer and the chair; this il one
evidence Of their i'll breeding, and I had
one once plant herself on the front end ov
nj noze which waz most remarkable piece
oV bad manners, for there IL no room on
my no2e ennywhere for bile for when
It il even ebb tide with mi noze, it covers
half oV mi face. Biles are said teW be
helthy, and guess they anu, for / hev
seen sum helthy old biles, as big az a
hornets nest and as full of stings. I
always want to be helthy--i am willing
tew pay the highest market price for a
good deal of helthy-but If had to hav
z biles on me, awl the time, in order to be
helthy, should think I was bulling the
market.
There IS one more smart thing about
bilea; they are Ike twins they hardly
ever come sing ~, and | have known them
to throw double skies.
What twelve biles on one man at q
time I! This is wus than fghtin humble
bees with you're summer clothes.
Biles are sed, by the educated and cor
rect spoilers oV the land, tew be an opera.
shun OF natur to get rid ov sumthino
which she wants tew spare. This is Sc
without doubt, but it don't strike me az
as being very polite thing in natur tew
shuV oph her biles onto other folks. say,
let everybody take care Of her own biles.
But say all yer can about biles, call
them all the mean names current among
hshmungers, reyile, and persequte, and
spit on them, groan, grin, and swear they
visit yer, hit them over the head, and SCI
Oh them if yer please, there IS a time in
their career when they concentrate avn
the pathos ov joy that man has on hand
to spare, and that is-when they bust
This is bliss, glory and revenge ON the
haf-shell. A man leans back N rektiied
comfort, as innocent and az timber az
mermaid. This pays for the frstful nights
nervous days while the bile has been
hatching; this shows US what it is to grin
and bear it-this shows what it IL to be
billed, and wrung out, and hung up to dry
This Il the calm after the storm, tht
wedding day Of pashunee and joy; thi'
IL the christening oV hope, the mystick
hen that lays 2 eggs day. this Il butter
on yure sassagis.
Exit Biles.