The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-05-20
Nit and Hataasoa'.
Bashfuluess- Ignorance afraid.

acknowledgements afraid.
Lame conclusions sore foot
What looks ike one half Of cheese p
Tother halt, ls.l ia 5000
Why are good resolutions like fainting la
dies They need carrying out
Why are old maids the most charming PEG
pie? Because they are all matchless.
Why are good husbands like dough Be
cause good women all need them.
Sheridan gives this definition: Irishman
"a machine for converting potatoes into hu-
man nature. as st.9'eFr ~
Tell me, dear sir, ARE you fond of tongue ?
[ always was, madam, and like it still.
The Memphis Sun calls a very black negro
"vivifed but end of midnight" x,sg IoaI
I say my little son, where does that right
hand road go to? Don't know, sir; faint
been anywhere since we lived here. ~
Farmers should not harrow up the feelings
of their wives, or rake up old quarrels, Or hoe
grudge. or SOW discord.
At printer festival recently, the follow
ing toast was offered: &c Woman, second only
to the press in the dissemination Of news"
It was resolved at a Wisconsin temperance
meeting that total abstinence is indispensable
to raise man to the level with other animals.
Many persons wish to live their lives over
again, because they see where they might
have sinnsd and didn't.
An Indiana man adyertises his wife as hav-
ing deserted him just at the time of COM
mencing summer work, after he had been at
the expense of wintering her
"Where shall put this paper so as to be
sure Of seeing it tomorrow ?" inquired Mary
of her brother Charles. "On the looking
glass;" was her brothers reply.
Some fellow advertises for horse &c for
lady of dark color, good trotter, and Of sty-
lish action! The horse must be young, and
have long tail about fifteen hands high
Sarp, !" do you ever take anything ?? Said
Sozzles, Never, sir, except I'm unwell, aud
then my weakness is cognac. Just now I'm
troubled with holloWness, and don't care if
I do" l9ndoi1 lam
A matter fact philosopher says thatsslove
is to domestic life what butter is to bread-it
possesses little 'nourishment in ITSELF but
gives the substantials relish without which
they would be hard to swallow"
An Trishman who had been engaged to
cut ice, when handed cross CUT saw to COM
mence operations with, pulled out copper
cent, and turning to his comrade, said-Now,
Pat, fair play, head or tail, who goes below"
Al eight our.a.day man, in going home
one evening for his supper, found his wife
sitting in her best clothes, readin g a volume
of travels. 20 How is this ?" he exclaimed.
Where's my supper ?" /" [ don't KNOW"
replied his wife, +" I began to get break fast at
six o'clock this morning, and my eight hours
ended at two p M"
"Suppose you were to see the sun rising In
the middle of the night, what would you call
that ?" said a teacher to ploughboy pupil,
whom he was examining on miracles The
mime, please sir" J" But suppose you knew
it was not the moon, but the sun, and you
saw it actually rise in the middle of the night,
what would you think ?" Please sir, should
think it was time to get up"
"Sonny, do you love me?"
ooh, don't | though"
"What for?" -
Because you always bring me candy when
you come to see sissy Jane. Give me some
more"
"And what does sissy Jane love me for ?"
"Cause you take her to concerts, and give
her SO many nice things. She says, so long
as you are fool enough to bring her shaws
and bonnets, she won't sack you no how
Now give me some more candy" .s. Is.
N B-Children and fools tell the truth. |