Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-07-30
InmornMa.
iT5aEmost formal Of fowers-The Primrose.

lee time TO c(enCh an argument " men
the attention Of your audience is riyeted.
DOES man consider woman poem be
cause she is a verse to him2
To ascertain The weight of horse, put
your toe under his foot.
WuEs is a woman welded to silence2 When
she brides her tongue.
. IT is a miserable thing to live il suspense;
it is the life Of spider.
WHlcu has the most legs, horse or no
horse? Answer: No horse. A-horse has four
legs, bpt no horse has FIVE.
Way is the horse the most humane Of all
animals2 lie gives the bit out of his mouth,
and listens 10 every woe.
HERE IS a concise but hopeful loye-letier
written by a Colorado miner: "Leyen years is
rather long to kort gall but lie have you
yet, Cate"
HIGH heeIed shoes for ladies are going
out Of fashion. Ditto, high crops of hair
An improvement from top to bottom.
A BosroS paper is sin tayor of women vo-
ting if they want to-" A western paper
''would Ike to see the man who could make
them vote if they didn't want to.
Az old lady gave this as her idea Of great
man: aOne who is keerful Of his clothes,
don't drink spirits, kin read the Bible with
out spelEn' the words, and eat cold dinner
on a wash day without grumblingn
JOKES, ahard drinker in Massachusetts,
had it, and was bled. A neighbor held the
candle, and another warned him not to set fra
to the blood. Jones heard the remark.
There is no danger" he grow led: ''it's
Smiths rum.
MARTHA, said James, "what letter in the
alphabet do you ike best?' Martha didn't
ike to say, but the young man insisted
"WeH, - was her final answer, as she drop
ped her eyes, 81 think like U best
A scHooINAsrER in Lancaster county
public school was drilling class of young
sters in arithmetic. He said to them: "If l
cut an apple in two what will the parts be?i
'Halyes - was the answer. "If cut the
halves in two what would you call the parts?''
"Quarters - "If would cut the quarters in
two what would the parts be" (Unan-
imously,) "Snits p
New METHOD OF Book K-KEEpISG.-Some
time since, barber was brought before the
police court at Paris, charged with having
customers in his house after midnight. The
examination IS thus reported
L ba oc
Merlon, who is in the court, as he has not
time to be shaving until late at night.
The President.-You ought not, at all
events, to disturb the public peace; there we're
cries issuing from your house, as if you had
been committing murder.
Merlon.-He was shaving; that S almost the
same. laughter
The President.-Was it you, then, Merlon,
who was crying out as if you were being
Aayed?
Merlon.-Yes, in fact he was aaying me
"a general laugh, ,l-he was cutting me hor-
ribly.
Barber.--It is very true, but I made mis-
take.
MeElon.-Did you mean 10 cut me?
Barber.-I do not say that-prolonged
laughterl-I certainly did not mean to cut
him so deep-[loud and continued laughter.
The President. Did you then cut him on
purpose?
Barber.-Indeed did, in the spirit Of my
order, You understand, one does not ike
to be below his business.
The President and Merlon togetber.-And
Why?
Barber The whole affair is this; Mr.. Mer-
Ion is not to be trusted, as be does not pay
the ready money. He used to cheat me in
the number of shaves for which he owed me;
when he had twelve, he used to say that he
had only six, so that lost both my razor, my
soap, and my time. At last 1 devised
method of keeping a reckoning not to be dis
puted.
The President was that?
Barber.-Eyery time I shave him, make
a notch in his cheek general laughter when
we count up, ! look at his cheek-so many
shayes-[reuewed laughter but the other
day the razor turned in my hand-I made the
figure too large and it was this that made him
cry out and disturb the neighborhood.
Amidst general laughter, the barber was
condemned TO pay the full penalty, and the
President advised him to renounee in future
his ne,c system Of keeping accounts.
FErcH HIN N.-Mr. Greeley has never
been accused of extravaganza in dress, even
by the Democrats. One morning, some years
ago, habited in his usual quaint style, he was
leaning over the counter in the Tribune Office
eating an apple when an Englishman entered
who had that morning arrived by steamer, and
who, it turned out, was connected with the
London Times, and had come to arrange
some business between that paper and the |
Tribune
Approaching Mr.. Greeley with very AFRO. |
CANT air, he said;
Fellow, do you work here?''
''Yes, sir
as Mr.. Greeley in2'
"Yes, sir.
After waiting little, and seeing that the
fellow seemed very Indifferent to his presence
and inquiries, he burst out almost choked
with Indignation:
"Wea 'ohy the deoa don't yo,f go andJstc6
him in?'
81 am Mr.. Greeley, at your service" was
answered in the same calm and Indifferent
manner.
Johnny Bulls hat was removed from his
head with alacrity, and when our friend left,
be vas stammeriug his confused apologies to
the chief of the Tribune
WoRru TELLING AeAN.-Wheu Mich
Biddle vas connected with the United States
Bank, there was an old negro named Harry
who used to be loa6ng around the premises.
One day in social mood, Biddle said to the
darl1er s.INeN. Mhat is znrrr nar.a IA |