Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-12-03
HUnOr.

HUE10r.
A hand to-hand affair--Marriage.
Sure way to stop woman's mouth Kiss
The life preservers often used on battle
fields; Legs.
Carpets are bought by the yard and worn
by the foot.
Why is mouse like load of hay? Be-
cause the cat cat it.
Printers bills is the substance of things
hoped for and the evidence of things not
seen.
What is the difference between a farmer
and seamstress? One gathers what he
sows, the other sews what she gathers.
An honest Dutchman on being asked how
often he shaved, replied, "Dree dimes a
week every tay but Soontay; den l shafe ev-
cry tay." !,
Nobody likes to be nobody, but everybody
is pleased to think himself somebody. And
everybody is somebody; but when anybody
thinks himself to be somebody, he generally
thinks everybody else to be nobody.
A man being awakened by the captain of
a passenger boat, with the announcement
that he must not occupy his berth with his
boots on, very considerably replied, "Oh,
it won't hurt 'em; they're an old pair
"What does the minister say of our new
cemetery?" asked Mrs. Hines.
HE don't like it at all he says he won't
be buried there as long as he lives.
"Wen," said Hines, eff the Lord spares
my life, I will "
Josh Billings says 81 will state for the
information of those who haven't had a
chance tew lay in THAR vernin wisdom az
freely az I hav, that one single hornet, who
feels well, will brake up large camp meet
ing"
Everything has its use" said a philo-
sophical professor to his class. "Of what
use is drunkard's fiery nose 2" asked one
of the pupils. 'tIt's a lighthouse, answer
ed the professor, "to warn us of the shoals
of appetite, on which we might otherwise be
wrecked"
~ wish I had your head" said lady
one day to gentleman who had solved for
her knotty point. "And I wish [ had
your heart" was the reply. "Well," said
she, "since your head and my heart can
agree, don't see why they should not 60 in
to partnership And they did.
An Irishman about to join a company
forming during the late war; was questioned
by one Of the officers:
We'll, sir, when you get into battle, will
you fight, or run p
can faith" replied the Hibernian, ''Fll
be after doing as majority av yez does"
"Mother," said lad, sis it wrong to
break egg-shells? p "Certainly not, my
dear, but why do you ask such silly ques-
ton % because I have just dropped the
basket with all the eggs in it, and pretty
mess I've made of it"
Several young ladies were amusing them
selves short time ago with an electric bat
terry. Miss Emma proposed taking one Of the
poles and her friend Annie the other, and,
instead Of joining hands, kiss each other
A scream from Annie caused the lady who
was turning the machine to stop suddenly,
when Emma exclaimed that it burned her
lips terribly. Annie remarked that it 'felt
just like a moustache''
Julius, s'pose dere are six chickens in a
coop, and de man sells tree, how many are
dere left ?"
"What time OBJ day was it?"
"What time OBJ day was it? Why, what
de debbil hab dat to do wild de case 7"
ga good deal, honey. If it war arter
dark, dar would be none left; dat is, if you
happened to come along dat way"
"Look here, niggah, just you stop dem
personalities.
The matrimonial editor of an exchange,
reports as follows: Brides are in good de-
mand. Hymen & Love report three sales
at five thousand dollars each, but as these
were where papa was worth hundred
thousand, they cannot be taken as a fair in
dex Of the market. Holders are looking for
better prices. Bridegrooms are glut in
the market, being displayed on every corner
LIN the city, and densely packed in front of
second-class hotels The recent breach-of-
promise suit at Chicago may have "sct-
Ting" effect on the market We quote one
pair of tight pants, plug hat, yellow eyes,
and hair parted in the middle, at thirty-cents.
He was sold in bulk, or the price would not
have been SO high Curtain lectures con-
tlnue to increase in intcrest-except to Mr..
Caudle: The supply largely exceeds the
demand, and those best posted think it al
ways will.
Too Much TURKEY.-Friend Jerry is
good-natured, civil-fellow, who attends to his
business and provides well for his family.
but has one little failing, in this, when he
goes to his home in the suburbs at night he
is usually more or less under the influence of
contraband fluids. One night, little after
dark, he started for home with nice turkey
safely done up in a strong wrapping-paper,
under his arm. Jerry found the load from
the station to his pretty cottoge, some half a
mile distant, uncommonly rough that night
He several times stumbled and fell over all
sorts of Instructions in the path Each time
he fell he dropped his turkey, but contr:ved
to pick it up again. On entering his house,
he steadied himself as well as he was able,
and said to his wife, Here, WHEY, I've got
sleven turkies for you Eleven turkies,
Jerry what do you mean, there's only one?
There must be 'leven turkies, wifey for I