Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-06-18
HumOr.

Il
.uoo9 Roconse # is farthest from the bark.
Coon. cE.-Reader, did you ever en-
;ov the ecsta.ic bliss of counting lf&you
didn't then get little al-an-try.
# wasn't such bad notion on the part OF
= glover who hung up in his shop placira
7l..Ten thousand hands wanted lmmedl-
ately." rs ok 70 clos
Josh Billings divides the human race IN
10 tbree classes +: Those VINO think it is SO,
those who think it isn't SO, and those VINO
don't care whether itls so or not.
..Kisscs," says Sam Slick, ,'are like Gre
alton. because they are made out OF nothing
and are very good" They are also, says
The Gazauv. sslike sermons, requiring two
heads and an application
A man once went to an eccentric lawyer
to he qualified for some petty office. The
LAWYER said to him, "Hold up your hand.
Pll swear YOU, but all creation couldn't quail
ify you" '.@
..Tbey say cotton is declining, y exclaimed
an old lady, as she removed her spectacle.ss
and laid down her paper, II thought So"
she continued, ''for the last thread L used
was very feeble"
Women charm as n general thing in pro-
portion as they are good: A plain lace with
a heart behind it is worth world OF heart
less beauty. Men who have tried both uni
formly agree to this.
To gather crowd Of people: raise a
nlank in the sidewalk and start terrier at
ter rat. TO disperse them; circulate
subscription paper for the benefit OF poor
family. .. ID ,.@.. l..as asas -.zaa7F. a';.
When man and woman are ma i. one by
= clergyman, the question is, which is the
one? Sometimes there is long struggle be-
t,roon them before this matter is finally set
tied. "' 5-..-.-s. .-. -.
Married couples resemble a pair of shears
saws Sidney Smith, SO joined that they can
not be separated. often moving IN opposite
directions, yet always Furnishing any one
who comes between them.
A lady asked noted doctor If he did not
think the small bonnets which the ladies
wore had tendency to produce congestion
of the brain. oh, no. he replied, ladies
that have brains don't wear them.
II say Pat" said a Yankee to an Irish
man, who was digging in his garden, ARE
YOU digging out a hole in that onion-bed -"
mo" says Pat, Il am digging out the
earth and leaving the hole, to be sure"
II expect" said young physician, on
his way to Jamaca, on hearing exaggerated
rumors of the cholera, ''to witness great
many death-bed scenes this summer. =
Doubtless" replied friend, "if you get
much practice" .seiaT
A man stepped into a larger beer saloon
in Troy, bought two glasses, and threw
down a ten cent silver coin. The Teuton
exclaimed Mein Colt in himmell dis is der
speschie payment vat reads so many tlngs
about, and nefer see no time before.
A facetious gentleman Of Williamsburg,
Mass, dining upon tough fowl in Bos-
ton hotel, asked the landlady where the fowl
came from. She replied that it came from
Williamsburg Impossible" exclaimed
the gentleman, sfor the town hasn't been
incorporated over forty years
A Quaker chasing his broad brim, which
the wind had taken, saw a boy laughing at
his dilemma and inquired, Art thou pro-
fame lad The lad replied that he did a lit
tie that way Then, said he handing him
quarter thee may dam that hat the mon
ey's worth. .
WHY are women like churches Firstly,
because there is no living without one; Sec
ondly, because there is many spire to them;
thirdly. because they are objects of adora-
ton and, lastly, but by no means leastly,
because they have loud clapper in their
upper-story. -'+-eA+>'
Miss Jones postmistress at Winchester,
Iowa, recently married Mr.. Alfred Smith
Mrs Smith is not known to the Department
as postnistress. Miss Jones has no longer a
legal existence, and things generally are
very much mixed. Smith is anxious to
know if he has married in the postofice, or
has married the postofice, out Of the family
A I,UTcHMAN's AUToBIoGRAPHY.- pese
bachelor nit frow unit more as tozzen
children. Two udder frows yot got iv-
ing pese ted. My age is apout fifty, thirty
leyen, sixteen, somewhere along der, vich
accounts for my having plue eyes unit pig
feet. dakes lager peer nit my coffee, une
goes to church 'cept it pc Soonty, ven [
sthays to home in peer garden. never
axears Ply tam. unit I always did. l goes
out Walking every afternoon pefore breakfast
init horse unit PIGGY, and am sick aped
all de vile NIT good health pese great
bolidishun. At de last worth Of July vo-
ted six for der Pacific Railroad for President.
Ven I gifts married [ wants everybody to
Comb to der funeral. No cards Oats de
gind of a man yot PEGS.
The NEdRo's S1A1Lg.~--An old negro,
named Pete, was very much troubled about
his sins Perceiving him one day with
very downcast look, his master asked him
the cause. ,. ...-, ..,.=.
30 massa Tn SIGH great sinner!"
s'But, Pete" said his master, 'you are
foolish to take it so much to heart. You
never see me troubled about my SINS"
II know de reason, massa." said Pete;
stwhen you go out duek-shooting, and kill
one duck and wound another, don't you run
after de wounded duck 2" -iE!t-
eyes, Pete," and the master wondered
what was coming next. %
"Well, massa, dat is de way wild you and
me de debbil has got you sure; but as he
am not sure of me he chases dis chile all de
time A-l' ts- 44s--A'-4
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