The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-11-03

big as platter and four inches deep.
Tony TOodles swore that in consequence of
injuries received on board gunboat during the
war, his backbone became as crooked as a cork
screw; that he had consulted the most eminent
physicians of the county, and not one of that
them had been able to start kink. On a certain
night, just before he was about to be put into
his perforated hammock. an old comrade
brought him box of DR.. Dipps' anti-puckering
spine adiuster, with which his shocllingly dis
figured and disiointed back was bathed The
next morning, when he awoke, he was not only
cured, but actually seven inches and three
eighths taller than when he went to bed. And
as a slight expression of his gratitude, he sent
to the doctor the following poem;-
Never no never can these lips
Express the love feel for Dpps
Who between sunset and next day
TOOK all that crooked spine away,
And gave me fuf of marrow
And just as straight as Indian arrow.
The Doctors fortune was made; orders for his
medicines came from all quarters. On the LIST
of January, 1862, the Poneyvile Eagle contained
the following announcement:-"Dr. Dipps can
be consulted by patients at his office between
the hours Of and o'clock A. NJ only his pro-
fessional engagements entirely filling the re-
naming business hours of the day. In 1868
Dipps had, including ten clerks, over one hum
dred persons in his employment, and he returned
taxable income of over $50 OOO-and that Is
more than is averaged at Harrisburg. When |
add that Dipps is large man, loosely put to-
gether, with broad, doughy face, dull mex
pressive eye, fabby cheeks, and an immense
yellOW nose Jnat requires mucl more 0JtenJlOn
than 1t receives; that his only child is long,
lank, gawlky daughter, rude and rough, and that
his wife is just as keen and just as coarse as
when she was Spencer's maid of all work, / have
said all is necessary for me to say for you to be-
come acquainted with DIR. Dipps, his fanily, and
his estate.
Into the first families of the neighborhood, or
as many of them as suited his convenience,
Dipps had determined to make his way, and he
had no more doubt of his success than he had
of his purpose to make the attempt. He at
once entered upon the project, and it may inte-
rest you to notice the several steps taken by the
Doctor to secure this end. First, he changed
entirely his style of dress. He was not very
smart, but he was discerning enough to know
that in many circles
"Dress makes the man,
And want OF it the fellow"
Instead of the short Jacket in which the Doc
tor had been accustomed to attire himself, he
startled the villagers by appearing in a dress
coat, velvet collar, and with brass buttons. An
immense snuff-colored wig adorned his hereto
fore bald pate; much to the grief of his laundry
maid, he changed his linen twice a week. he
crowded his thick No. 10 feet into patent leather
boots purchased q massive finger-ring, sported
gold eye-glass, split straw colored gloves in
Vulnerable, wore crimson vest diamond
heart and pin, and q seven dollar hat, as unlike
the old felt hat he had worn as a splendid gold
chronometer is unlike an old-fashioned bulls-eye
watch. He ordered cards for Mrs. Dipps, Cio-
rinda and himself, and purchased magnificent
equipage, with its coat of arms fdDt6edu, and
its driver an immense Sambo.
Secondly. He changed entirely the internal
economy of the house and household. Hereto
fore it had been very democratic establish
ment. They had breakfasted at five dined at
twelve, and taken supper, as they called it, at
six o'clock in the afternoon They had employed
but one servant, and she was maid of all work.
Mrs. Dipps and Clorinda had participated
largely in domestic labor They had been ac-
customed to dress up-that is their term, not
mne-only on extraordinary occasions. AS for
Dipps, he had habitually taken home his meats
and groceries, and had harnessed his own horse
and creased his own boots. They had owned
piano everybody owns piano nova -days-an
instrument that the doctor had taken in ex-
change for his cOrdwainer's pills. But the in
strument had never been put to any arstocratic
uses, unless humping it, as one prize-fghter
thumps another, is such use.
Now everything was changed. Breakfast at
9, lunch at /, dinner at s. tea at g. The tables
were laid with cost and care Servants had been
multiplied until the house looked like an intelli-
gence office; servants from all countries and eli
mates; servants with every hue of countenance
and conscience There was an Italian music
master, Scotch gardener, French dancing
master, an English cook, German wine-taste
Yankee butler, an Irish hostler, and Prussian
baker.
Mrs. Dipps and Clarinda gave their calicoes
to the Mute Society, and swept the streets with
| MORE antique and cashmeres. Certain hours of
| the day were set apart for specific duties and
| pleasures Calls made and received from 12 to 2;
promenade AT ulnller IOlcJJG uU Il; caruS aI y;
hair in papers at IL; spring mattresses at 12.
| Thirdly. The Doctor had determined to be-
| come q member of the State Medical Society.
| This was no small undertaking, but he thought
| he saw his way through. By the conspiracy OF
| his clerk, he was subjected to a mock eXamina-
| tion by three medical students, and the ludi-
| crous blunders perpetrated by the Ignorant dupe
formed one of the liyeliest parts of the lecture.
| Thereupon Dipps and his family speedily re-
| lapsed into their original barbarism, and are
| now as free from personal ambition as they are
| from sef-respect and decency
| The history of DR.. Dipps is far from being a
| fancful one. The substantial original can be
| found in scores of towns and cities both in
| Europe and America. Quackery has a venerable
history. / never read the touching account in
the gospels of the woman who spent all hel
| living in vain attempts to subdue o dreadful
disease, without the conviction that she spent
her money upon quack doctors. l think this
Inference irresistible, for her disease was posi-
lively incurable by human means; and no in
telligent physician of any age would promise
such an impossible restoration to health; tha
would be the work of montebanks and char
latan.
| In our days empricism is in the ascendant
1t not only builds magnificent palaces but il
challenges universal attention. 1t not only ad
VeTtises itself in every place, secular and sacred
but its high sounding circulars and gaudy hand
bills meet us everywhere. This has been tn,
case for years; and now 1t has added peripatet
advertisers in the shape of burly negroes, O
more degraded white men, who bear above then
immense banners or transparencies, setting fOrtl
the excellence OF this o. that nostrum.
Quacks medical quacks, outnumber any othe
OF the dangerous classes that mfest society. Ant
these manufacturers of quack medicines are tht
only persons in the world who habitually trih
| with and impose upon that noble principle o
our nature that leads us to seek with Argus eye
and to seize with eager hands, no matter wha
Al,al NlAk k,l1a