The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-11-11
STAUNTON VIRGINIA. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER II, 1862
Mark Twain aud the Indians.

Mark Twain aud the Indians.
Mark Twain has been among the ssIndians'
at Niagara Falls, with queer results After
giving an account of interviewing a squaw
and a fullgrown warrior, with dissatisfaction,
he says: taH 1 l2
made one more attempt to fraternize with
them, and only one I came upon camp Of
them in the shade of a great tree, making
wampum and moccasins, and addressed them
in the language o. friendship.
T" Noble Red Men, Braves, Grand Sachems
War chiefs, Squaws, and High-you- Muck-a-
Mucks, the pale face from the land of the set
ting sun greets you! You, Bene6cent Pole
cat-you, Devourer Of Mountaips-you Roar
ing Thundergust--you, Bully-b oy-with a
Glass Eye-the pale face from beyond the
great waters ereets you all. War and pesti
lence have thinned your ranks and destroyed
your once proud nation. Poker. sevcn-up
and vain modern expense forsoap, unknown
to your glorious ancestors, have depleted your
purses Appropriating IN yaur simplicity the
property Of Others has gotten you into trou
bic. disappearing facts, in your sinless
innocence, has damaged your reputation with
the soulless usurper. Trading for forty rod
whiskey, to enable you to get drunk and hap
Ply and tomahawk your families, has played
the everlasting mischief with the picturesque
pomp Of your dress, and here you are, in the
broad light Of the nineteenth century, gotten
up like the ragtag and bobtail of the purlies
of New York For shame! Remember
your ancestors Recall their mighty deeds
Remember Uncan! and Red Jacket and
Hole-in-the- Day |! and Horace Greeley En-
ulate their achievements Unfurl yourselves
under my banner, noble. savages, illustrious
guttersnipes-"
"Down wild himr'
"Scoop the blagyard!" E
Hang him. o: .a s
I. Burn him = gss OaA 5a 4sa5
':Dhrownd him !"
Il was the quickest operation that ever was
simply saw sudden flash in the air of clubs,
brick bats, fists, bead baskets and moccasins-
a single fash, and they all appeared to hit me
at once, and no two of them in the same
nlace. In the next instant the entire tribe
was upon me. They tore all the clothes off
me, they broke my arms and legs, they gave
me thump that dentedi III. the ton of my head,
till it would hold coffee like saucer, and to
crown their disgraceful proceedings and add
insults to injury, they threw me over Horse
shoe Falls, and / got wet. M
About ninety or hundred feet from the
top, the remains of my vest caught on pro-
iecting rock, and was almost drowned be-
fore I could get loose. finally fell, and
brought up in world of white foam at the
foot of the Falls, whose celled and hubby
masses lowered up several inches above my
head OF course got into the eddy. l
sailed round and round in it forty-four times
chasing a chip and gaining on teach
round trip half a mile reaching for the
same bush on the bank fourty -four times, and
just exactly missing it by hairs breadth
every time. At last man walked down and
sat down close by that bush, and put pipe
in his mouth, and lit match, and followed
me with one eye and kept the other on the
match while he sheltered it in his hands from
the wind Presently puff Of wind blew it
out The next time swept round he said:
SCOT match p
" Yes-in my other vest. Help me out
please
GtOt ICi OOo.
"When l came round again | said:
"Excuse the seemingly impertineut curl
osity Of drowning man, but will you explain
this singular conduct Of yours z"
"With pleasure. | am the coroner Don't
hurry on my account. | can wait for YOU
But [ wish had match"
I said: siTake my place, and I'll go and
get you one"
He declined. This lack of confidence on
his part created GOODNESS between us, and
from that time forward avoided him. It
was my idea in case anything happened to me,
to SO time the occasion as to throw my Gus
tom into the hands of the opposition coroner
over on the American side. At last an ug
ly policeman came along and arrested me
for disturbing the peace by yelling at people
on shore for help. The Judge fined me, but
I had the advantage of him. My mansy was
with my pantaloops, and my pantaloons were
with the Indians.
Thus l escaped. l am now lying in a very
critical condition At least, am lying; any
way-critical or no critical.
am hurt all over, but can not tell the
full extent yet, because the doctor is not done
taking an inventory. He will make out my
manifest this evening. However, thus far,
he thinks only six of my wounds are fatal.
don't mind the others. Upon regaining my
right mind I said: g It is an awful savage
tribe of Indians that do the bead work and
mocoasins for Niagara Falls, doctor. Where
are they from?,'
Limerick, my son."
shall not be able to finish my remarks
about Niagara Falls till I recover my health.
A PRACTICAL FLYING MAcHINE-A men,