Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1869-05-07
From the Cincinnati Times
Deceit OF song writcr's
by THE "FAT coNTRIBuToR.n

by THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR
The man who wrote "Home, Sweet Hcmc, "
never had horne. Exchange.
No, of course not. All his folks AT
home say he didn't. Nobody who
writes about anthing ever has It. III
a man is out of anthing he immedi-
ately goes and writes about IL. No
one writes so many "headings'' as
the man who Is out of his head.
Certainly he didn't ever have any
home. The man who wrote "Old
Arm Chair never had an arm chair
In all his life. The best, he had was
an CID split-bottom chair without
any back to 1t.
The author of "Take Me Back TO
Switzerland'' never was In Switzer-
land. The nearest he ever came to IL
was sitting I'm the William Tell saloon
eating Switzer kase--kase why, that
was the best he could do.
"Motlier, I've Come Home to Die, =,
hasn't spoke to the old woman for
yearsssnnd wouldn't go Eear the
house. Besides, he il one of that
class of spiritualists who don't be.
lieve they ever will die. His health
was never better. His mother is
nothing but a mother. law. aud
she is dead, anyhow.
There Is the author "Old Oaken
Bucket. "too, There wasn't a bucket
on the whole farm, water. being
drawn with a tin-pail and a cistarn-
pole. @
"If I had but a thousand yearn
stated privately to.his friends that he
would be perfectly contented with
half that sum, as he was doing chores
just for his board and three months
schooling In the winter.
The author of "Champagne Char
ley" never drank anything but ten.
cent whisky. ..5 "
The man who wrote "Mary had q
little Lamb" knew very we'll il was
nothing but q title la,nb fry.
"Shells Of ocean" Ii humbug.
The plalntive poet who represents
himself as wandering, one summers
eve, with seabeat thought, on a PEN
sive shore, was raised I'm the interior
OF Pennsylvania, and never was ten
miles away from home I'm all his life.
Gathered Shells" did he? All the
shells he ever gathered were some
egg-shelisa. back of his mothers
kitchen.
"Hark, hear the angels singn
spent oil his evenings In a concert
beer saloon. Angels, indeed.
The man who wrote the "Song of
the Shirt" hadn't a shirt to his back.
wearing a wampus for the most part.
"Oft in the Silly Night" used to
get on spree and make the Silly
night howl till daybreak.
The author of ave met by chance"
knew very well IL was all arranged
beforehand. He had been weeks i'm
contriying it-and she admired his
contrivance.
The author of "I know u bank -
etc., didn't know one where he
could get his note discounted. The
only check he ever held was a white
"oheck" on o faro bank. He never
had red check In all hislife.
"What are the wild waves saying?''
knew very well they were reproach-
ing him for running away from Long
Branch without paying his hotel bill.
who will care for mother now? ?"
Who, indeed! You took the old
woman to the poor-house just before
writing the song, and there IL no.
body but the Poormaster to care for
her now.
"Hear mo, Norma" was deaf and
dumb. He couldn't make his pa
hear, nor ma w
"My mother, DEAR used to thrash
the old woman within an inch oi
her life.
The author of "Rain on the Roof,'
always slept In the basement, except
when he slept out of doors.
"Let me kiss him for his mother''
got mad because his mother wouldn't
have him, and whipped her little
boy within an inch OF his life.
III drsamt dwelt I'm marble halls, -
used to cheat at marbles when a boy,
and his dream was q horrid night
mare, brought on by remorse ut the
recollection OF fraudulent marble
hduLs.
"I'm saddest when I sing" was
tickled almost to death If invited to.
Happy be thy Dreams" sold BEN
zine whisky. You can fancy what
dind Of "dreams" were produced.
"No one to love-" having just kill
ed of his fifth wife, naturally felt
a n