The Evansville journal. [volume] (Evansville, Ind.) 1866-1870, 1869-09-01
Mark TWaIn's Editorial SalutatOry

Mark TWaIn's Editorial SalutatOry.
Mark Twain" has become one OF
| the proprietors Of the Buffalo Express
and publishes his ''salutatory' in the
issue Of that paper of Saturday last
Being a stranger, it would be i'm
/ modest and unbecOming IN me to sud
denly and violently assume the asso-
| ciafe editorship Of the Buffalo EX-
nress without single word of comfort
or encouragement to the unoffenaiug
patrons Of the paper, who are about to
! be exposed to constant attacks OF my
wisdom and learning. But this ex-
pIanatory word shall be as brief as
possible. | only wish to assure par
ties having friendly interest in the
prosperity of the journal, that / am
not going to hurt the paper deliberate
ly and Intentionally at any time. [ am
not going to introduce any startling
reforms, or in any way attempt to
make trouble. | am simply going to
do my plain, unpretending duty, when
| can not get out of it; shall work
diligently and honestly and faithfully
at all times and upon all occasions,
when privation and want shall com
pei me to do it; in writing | shall al
ways con6ne myself strictly to the
Truth, except when it is attended with
Inconvenience; | shall witheriDgly re-
buke all forms Of crime and misc0n-
duct, except when committed by the
party inhabiting my own vest; l shall
not make use of slang or Yulgarlty up
on any occasion or under any cIrcum-
stances and never use profanity ex-
cept In discussing house rent and tax
es. Indeed, upon second thought,
will not even use it then, for it is un-
christian, inelegant and degrading
though to speak truly | do not see
how house rent and taxes are going to
be discussed worth a cent without it.
[ shall not often NEEDLE with politics,
because we have a political editor
who is already excellent, and only
needs to serve term IN the peniten-
tiary IN order to be perfect. L shall
not write any poetry, unless | conceive
spite against the subscribers.
Such is my platform. l do not see
any earthly use in it; but custom is law,
and custom must be obeyed, no mat
ter how much violence il may do to
ones feelings. And this custom
which Lam slavishIy, following now, is
surely one of the least necessary that
ever came into vogue. In private life
a man does not go and trumpet his
crime before he commits it, but your
new editor is such an important per-
sonage that he feels called upon to
write "salutatory" at once, and he
puts into it all that he knows, and all
that he don't know, and some things
he thinks he knows but isn't certain |
of And he parades his list of won
ders which he is going to perform of |
reforms which he is going to intro |
duce, and public evils which he is |
going to exterminate; and public |
blessings which he is going TO create; |
and public nuisances which he is /
going to abate. He spreads this all |
out with oppressive solemnIty over a |
column and half of large print, and
feels that the country is saved. His
over it is something enor-
nous. He then settles down to his
miracles and inflicts profound plati-
tudes and impenetrable wisdom upon
a helpless public as long as they can /
stand it, and then they send him off |
Consul to some savage island In the |
Pacific in the vague hope that the
will like him well enough
to eat him. And with an inhumani-
ty which is but fitting climax to his
career of persecution, instead of pack
pg his trunk at once, he fingers TO
nhict upon his benefactors vale
lietory." If there is anything more
lncalled for than a 'salutatory," it is
1ne Of those fearful, blubbering,
ong winded "valedictories" where
N a man who has been annoying the
public for ten years can not take
leave of them without sitting down to
cry a column and a half. Still, it is
the custom to write valedictories,
aud custom should be respected In
my secret heart admire my prede
lessor for declining to print valedic-
-ory, though in public | say and shall
continue to say sternly, it is custom,
md he ought to have printed one.
People never read them any more than
hey do the "salutatories, but never
5heless he ought to have honored the
Did fossil-he ought to have printed
| said as much to him,
and he replied:
II have resigned my place. have
departed this life-1 am journalistic
ally dead, at present, amt I?''
"Yes."
well. woulden't you consider it
In a corpse 10 sit up and
on the funeral?'
/ record it here, and preserve it
from oblivion, as the briefest and best
valedictory" that has yet come un
der my notice. MARK TWAIN.
PSI am greatfnl for the kindly
way IN which the press of the land
have taken notice of my Eruption into
regular journalistic life, Geographically
Or editorially, and am happy in this
place to express the feeling