The native Virginian. [volume] (Orange Court House, Va.) 1867-187?, 1869-10-08
oNoE ioUSt VA FRIDAY MORNING
SUIT LovENGooD,s SHIRT.

You know boards with Bill Carr, at
| his cabin on the mountains, and pays
| for sich as l gifts, when have MONEY:
and for sieh as I gifts wien haven't
| any, why he takes one third out of ME
cussin, and she, that's his wife Bets.
takes out the tother two thirds with her
battin stick. and the interest with her
tongue, and the interests more'n the
principal-a heap more. She is the
cussedest woman I ever seed any how
for jaw and pride. She can scold blis-
ter into buH's face right on the curl
in two minutes-and pattern after
every fasliloi she hears tell on from
bussels to britclles. Oh! she's one of
IN and sometimes two or three.
Well, you see | got some cotton trnck
to make shirt outen, and coaXed Bets
TO make it, and about the time it was
done here comes lawyer Johnson along
and aXed for breakfast. | wish I had
pizened him durn his hide, and won
der it didn't for she cooks awful mix
ems wher she tries. I'm pizen proof
myself or d been dead long ago.
Well, while we were eatin' she spiad
out that his shirt was stiff and mighty
slick; so she never rested till she wor-
rid 1t outen him that a preparation of
lars about the proceedings otttef him,
and set in and billed big pot of paste--
nigh unto peck of it-and soused in
my shirt and let it soak awhile; then
she took it and ironed it out flat and
dry, and sot it up agin the cabin in the
sun. Thar it stood as stiff as dried |
hoss hide, and it ratified like sheet-iron
1T did. 1t were pasted together all |
over. When | come to dinner nothing
would do but l must put it on. Well. |
Bets and me got the thing open after
some hard work, she pullin' at one end |
of the tail and me at tother. and GOT |
iTto it: Dufn that new tangled shirt,
say. felt like L had crawled into a |
bee-gum and 1t full OF ants; but it war
like lawyer Johnson's and stood it
like man. and went to work to build
Bets an ash-hopper. worked power
ful hard, and SWEET like a hoss, and
when the shirt got wet it quit hurt
ing.
Arter got dun 7 took about four
fingers of red eye and erawled up in
the cabin to fake snooze. Well when
walked up | thought was dead or hail
The cholera. for all the jints | could
move war my ankle, wrists and knees
could not move my head or scarcely
wink my eye --the cussed shirt vas
pasted fast onto me all over, from the
ends of the tail TO the pints of the broad
IKE collar over my ears. 1t sot to me
IS close as hide to poor COW in
March. | strained and souirmed till |
,orter got it broke at :he shoulders and
'lbows, and theh done the durn'est
oolishest thing ever done in these
| shuffied my breaches oft
md tore loose from my hide about two
inches af the tail all around in nj ch
pain and tribnlation. Oh but it did
llrt. Then tnck up plank inter
he loft and hung my legs down through
he hole aud nailed the edge ofthe front
all to the floor before me. and the him
Ter tail nailed to the plank | sot on,
the collar and wristbands,
aised my eyes, said grace and then
dmped to the ground floor.
Here SIT remarked satlly:-''G Gorge
I'm darnder fool than ever dad wSs.
loss, hornet nests and all. III drown
myself one OF these days. see II don't.
Well. go on Sut; did the shirt come
,fF9 Il think 1T did ] heard a
loise sorter like tearing shngle roof
fl uv house all atwonst, and felt that
ny bones were al that reached the
loor. / staggered to my feet and took
look at my shirt. The nails had hilt
heir holt, and thar it was hanging,
Inns down. inside out, as stiff as ever.
t looked like the army of Mexico arter
me of the first battles-a patch of hide
ust about the size of a dulla bill here;
bunch of har about the size of bird
har; then some more har; then skin;
nd so on all over the darned new-ian-
led everlasting, Internal. cuss on shirt.
t WAS picture to look at-and so was
+. The hide, har and paste, was about
Qiially divided between me and it,
Wonder what Bets. darn her, thought
ghen she come home and found me
nissin. Spect she thinks crawled in
o a thicket and died OF my Wounds
f must have scared her good, for / tel;
on it looked like the skin of wild |
east corn off alive, or a bag that had
overed load of fresh beef home from
shootin' match. Durn lawyer john
on and his slick shirt.