Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1869-07-14
Selected ghistellam.
HOW HE CAME TO BE MARRIED.

long enough. Well, my sister Lib gave a
party one night. and I started away from
home because [ was too bashful to face the
music. | hung around the house whistlinq
"Old Dan Tucker" dancing to keep nv
feet warm. watching the heads bobbing up
and down behind the window curtains, and
wishing the laundering party would break
up, so / could get to my room. I smoked
up a bunch of cigars, and it was getting
late and mighty uncomfortable, [ conclud-
ed to shin mp the door post. No sooner
said than done. and [ soon found myself
snug in bed.
''Now, says I, ''let her rip! Dance till
your wind gives out" And scuddlinp
down under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed
me-
[ was dreaming of soft-shell crabs and
stewed tripe, and having good time, when
somebody knocked at the door and woke me
up. crap again. I laid low. '.Rap, rap,
rapr' Then I heard whispering, and knew
there was awhole raft of gals outside. Then
Lib sings out:
"Jack, are you there?" ...
eyes, says l.
Then came roar of daughters
'Iet rs in, " said She
81 won't said L ''Cant you let a fellow
alone?"
Are you abed! says she.
81 am, says l.
f'Get out, says she.
'l won't, says J.
Then came anothe laugh.
By thunderi [ began to get riled
'sGet out, you pettcoated scarecrows?'
cried T. Cant you get q beau without
hauling fellow out of bed? I won't 90
home with yoti-I won't, so you may clear
outr'
And throwing boot at the door, I felt
better But presently heard still, small
voice, very much like sister Lib's, and it
said:
Jack, you'll have to get up, for all the
girls things are there.
Oh, mercyl what pickle! Think of me,
In bed, all covered with muffs, shawls, bon
nets and cloaks, and twenty girls outside
the door, waiting to get in! If had stop
ped to think I should have pancaked on the
spot. As it was I rolled out among the
bonnetware and ribbons in a hurry. Smash
went the millinery in every direction. I
had to dress in the darlz-for there was
crack in the door and the girls will peep
and the way f1mbled about was death on
straw hats. The critical moment came. I
opened the door and found myself right
among the women.
ooh, my leghornP' cried one. f.My dear,
darling winter velvetr' cried another, and
they pitched in-they pulled me this way
and that, boxed my ears, and one bright
eyed little piece--Sai, her name was-put
her arms round my neck and kissed me
right OF my lips. Human nature could not
stand that, and / gave her as good as she
sent. 1t was the first time [ ever got the
taste, and it was powerful good. believe
| could have kissed that gal from julius
Caesar to the Fourth of July.
Jack, said she, ''we are sorry to dis
turb you, but won't you see me homer"
Eyes, | will, T" said l.
I did do it, andhad another smack at the
gate.
After that we took o kinder turtle dove
after each other, both of us signing like 10
barrel of new cider when we were away
from each other.
Twas at the close of O glorions summer
day, the sun was setting behind q distant
hen-roost, the bullfrogs were commencing
their evening songs, and pollywogs, In their
native mud-puddles, were preparing them
selves for the shades of night, and Sal and
myself sat upon an antlquated backlog
listening to the music of nature, such as
tree-toads, rooSters and gruntlng pigs; and
now and then the music of jackass was
waited to our ears by the gentle zephyrs
that sighted among the mullen stalks, and
heavily laden with the delicious odors OF
hen-roosts and pig-styes. The last lingering
rays of the setting sun, glancing from the
buttons of a solitary horseman, shone
through knot-hole III hog-pen, full in
SaIs face, dyeing her hair an orange peel
hue, and showing off my threadbare coat
to bad advantage. one of my arms was
around SAILS waist, my hand resting on the
small OF her back; she was toying with my
auburn locks Of jet black hue; she was al
most gone, and [ was almost ditto. She
looked like grasshopper dying with the
hiccups, and | felt like mud turtle ehoked
with a Goldfish ball
'sSal, says l, in q voice as musical as
the notes of a dying swan, twill you have
me?"
She raised her eyes heavenward, and
clasped me by the hand, had an attack OF
the heaves and blind staggers, and with q
sigh that drew her shoestrings to her palate,
said; ssYes.
She gave clear out then, and squatted in
may lap. [ hugged her till | brokemy sus-
spenders, and her breath smelt of onions
she had eaten two weeks before.
Well, to make long story short, she set
the day, and we practiced for four weeks
every night how we would enter the room
to be married, till we got so we could walk
as gflcellliy tlS IL coupe VI A1uSCoNy uuChS'
The night, tho company and the minister
came, the signal was given, and arm and
arm we went through the hall. We Mas
just entering the parlor door, when down
[ went kerslap on the Oiicloth, pulling Sal
after me. Some eussed tellop had dropped
4 banana skin on the tlOorand it tioored me-
1t split an awful hole III my cassimeres
right under my dress coat tail. 1t was toe
late to back out; so clasping my hand ovei
t, we marched in and were spliced, and
taking q seat, l watched the kissing the
bride operation, My groomsman was tight,
and he kissed her till jumped up to take
n slice, when, oh, horrorl little siX-yeal
imp had crawled behind me and pulled my
shirt through the hole in my pants, and
pinned it to the chair, SO that when L jump
ed upI displayed to the astonished multi
tude trife more white muslin than was
pleasant The women giggled, the men
roared, and 1 got mad but was finally put
TO bed, and there my troubles ended. Good
night.
LORD STRATFoRD DE REDcLIFFE, who took