The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1869-03-12
Miscellany.
MIR. wilkins ON veIociPedes.


From the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin.]
"But, Wilkins, II
81 tell YOU, Mrs. Wilkins, I'm not going to
have it; you may as well make up your mind
to that at once. No woman shall ever 90
prancing around this community on a veloci-
pede while she's wife of mine ii can helm
it; SO you can just take that old pair of wheels
you brought home and gladden. the heart of
some kindlingwood man with them. for ride
on them you don't; If you, do I'm Dutch
man; thereW
Mr.. wilkins, you know, Il"
No, don't know anything of the kind.
DO you think I'm going to let such looking
woman as you dress up in Boomers and
mount a high hat and go around trying to
show off that fgure?" 81
Mr.. Wilkinsp
Go struggling around the thoroughfares
of this town, looking like an old beer cask
propped upon two legs, and showing those
ankles, which are SO thick that you couldn't
get one Of them through the equator?"
wilkins, I'll scratch"
We'll, l should think not. And, besides,
/ don't know whereabouts on this terrestrial
globe you expect to find any wheels strong
enough to bear you. You'd smash pair af
cast-iron car-wheels into smithereens, the
minute you sat down on them, you would.
The best thing you can do is to walk, and on
the ground, too, where the crust of the earth
isn't thin; or else sit in front of fire and
melt down your avoirdupois."
Mr.. Wilkins, you're perfectly scandalous."
But I'm not going to put up with it. I
don't intend to have you Topping around
town on velocipede, and very likely falling
off and breaking your bones, and then have
lot of doctors coming to my house and max
ing post-mortem examinations, and saving
you up, and discovering things with hard Lat
in names In your lungs, and in your liver, and
your physique generally. Well, should think
notl It's bad enough to have to submit to
you now, without having your gore split
around over the carpet, and parcel Of saw
bones disappearing at your anatomy. Is"
Wilkins, amt you ashamed to talk so?"
." want you to understand that if you ride
that velocipede l will sue for divorce, /
don't believe in woman exercising her mus
Giles on any such continuance. YOU'D good
deal better get scrubbing brush and go down
and tackle the front-door steps with some
sand and chunk Of soap That's the kind
OF exercise you want, in my opinion
Mr.. Wilkins, if you'll only listen
"Or else practice carrying coal-scuttle up
and down stairs every five minutes all day.
But as for the mother of family, and a fab
by old girl OF your years, undertaking to ride
velocipede-why, it is simply Ridiculous Q
"Mr. Wilkins, T." fa1rE qa8vf
Inc next thing know, suppose you
will be parading yourself in the papers as
Madame Wilkins, the Champion Velociped-
ist,' and running mile heats on the Nicholson
pavement for hundred dollar purses, best two
out OF three. beautiful spectocle-won'ti 1t
De? And then suppose you will want me to
bet on you and back you up; but not one
cent do you get. Not SINGLE solitary red.
Do you suppose am going to throw away
my hard-earned money on such fanatic as
you? Well, should think not. would not
put up dollar on you If was worth untold
billions. Pm not proud of you; want you
to distinctly understand that"
"Mr Wilkins, that's all nonsense"
"And pretty example you are setting to
your children. Here, only yesterday, Holo-
fernes Montgomery made velocipede out of
two dour-barrels, and when he and Bucepha-
lus Alexander tried to mount ii, it broke
down and hit Mary Jane on the leg and lam
ed her for life, while Holofernes Montgomery
fell over the cat, which yowled and spitted
around and scratched Holofernes Montgom-
cry over the frontispiece, so that his beauty
is destroyed forever, and he looks more like
you than ever. say that it is perfectly out
rageous, and Pm not going to stand it,"
Mr.. Wilkinsl Oh, if you will listen Pll tell
you something"
"Ohl l don't want to hear it, Well dis
continue the conversation. I'm tired of
hearing you cackle."
"Well, that velocipede that came home"
Never mind now want to go to sleep.
Just give your tongue a chance to rest, will
your"
"Was for you. / heard you say you want
ed one, so bought it out of the market mon
ey saved. But you treat me like such a
brute that-I-I-"
"For me, did you say, Sarah2 Well, then,
never mind now. Don't cry, Sarah, say.
Never mind; won't do it again, Sarah |!
Sarah Don't cry, Sa-rahl Oh, well, cry
then, cry; who cares? You are the most ag-
gravating woman that ever lived. I'll get on
that lyelocipede tomorrow morning and
abandon you as sure as my name is Wilkins.
If don't, hang me.