Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-03-26
HunOr.

Many good kiss is nipped in the bud by
four-year old nuisance bringing light in
to the room.
An experienced old gentleman says thai
all that is necessary for the enjoyment O
love or sausages is confidence.
An irritable man having been disappoint
ed in his boots, threatened to chaw up the
shoemaker, but compromised by drinking 6
cobbler.
FRIENDSHIP -''Where are you going !?
asked a gentleman Of an acquaintance
''To see a friend. "-''Then I should like te
60 with you, for I never saw one yet
1t is full fifteen years ago that we asked
an acquaintance how he felt while prison
er in Egypt. but we remember the reply
II felt like bloodhound IN Morocco"
An Irishman recently soliloquized -
''What vast o'money to be buyin mate
when you know the half ofitis bone, while you
can spind it for rum that hasn't bone in it. .
When an acquaintance says: chow are
you ?" and rushes by you waiting for re-
ply, would not, if was in your place fol-
low him more than mile to tell him that
was well.
A case of domestic scandal was under dis
cussion at tea-table. ssWell, let US think
the best of her we can," said an elderly
spinster. eyes" said another, land say
the worst. )"
A stump speaker exclaimed: Il know no
North, no South, no East, no West, fellow
citizensw ''Then," exclaimed an old far
mer in the crowd, "Its time you went to
school and larnt jography."
What are you drunk again p 'tNo,
my dear not drunk, but little slippery.
The fact is, my dear, some scoundrel has
been rubbing my boots till they are as smooth
as pane of glass;
CooL.-Jones Bridget, told you to
let me have my hot water the first thing in
the morning Bridget: "Sure, and didn't
I bring it up and lave it at the dure last
night, SO as TO be in time, sir.
Advice to those who are about to go to
law-.frst, ask yourself this question: Are
you morally in the right?" If the answer
is "No," go to law by all means; you'll be
sure to win"
John" said a master to his apprentice,
as he was about starting on short journey,
"you must occupy my place while l am alb
sent" "Thank you sir" demurely replied
John, but I'd rather sleep with the boys. y
TALKING MArcu.-An undertaken, who
was briskly furnishing up coffin, being
asked whom it was for, replied, II can't
tell which, but two women have started out
on a talking match next door, and it'll be
sure to end in the death of one of 'em p
A .cockney family were lately gazing at q
shop window in Rockford, Ill. Little girl
"Oh, mamma! is that a 'en ? Mamma
"No, my child, that is a howl" Father
"No, my wife and daughter, that is neither
a EN- nor howl, but it is beagle, the hem
1lena, Of this Narsted country"
An Irishman was directed by lady O.
large size to secure and pay for two seats in
stage coach, as she wanted comfortable
room in riding The fellow returned and
said, II have paid for the two seats you
told me to; but as I couldn't get but one fol
the inside of the coach, took t'other for
the outside"
An individual advertised for ga Wife
the other day, and requested each applicant
for the situation to enclose her carte de visite.
One of his fair correspondents closed her re-
DIV in these terms II do not enclose my
carte, for, though there is some authority
for putting cart before horse, know Of
none for putting one before an ass"
A gentleman addressed his servants,
sJames. l have always placed the greatest
confidence in you now tell me, James, how
is it that my butchers bills are SO large,
and 1 always have such bad dinners Pr
Really, sir. l don't know, for 1 am sure
we never have anything nice in the kitchen
that we don't send some of it to the parlor.
A colored servant, sweeping out bache-
lor's room, found sixpence on the carpet,
which he carried to the owner. "You may
keep it for your honesty" said he. A short
time after he missed bis gold pencil-cas
and inquired of his servant If he had seen it.
Eyes, sir" was the reply. land what
have you done with it ?" "Kept it for my
honesty, sir y
"My son." said the veteran at the foot Of
the stairs, "arise and see the newly-risen
luminary Of day, and hear the sweet birds
singing their matin song Of praise to their
great Creator. come while the dew is on the
grass and tender lambs are bleating on the
hillside; come, say, or I'll be up there
with switch, and give you the cussedest
licking that you ever had"
Old Billy W., of Fluyanna County,
was dying; he was an ignorant and a very
wicked man. DIR. D., an excellent ply
sician and very pioas man, attended him.
The old fellow asked for bread DR. D.
approached the bedside, and in a solemn
tone. said, "My dear fellow, man cannot live
by bread alone" 'sNo," said the old man,
sorter reviving. she's 'bleeged to have few
vegetables" The subject was dropped.
A prominent lawyer was counsel in case
involving some feeling. He placed his eli
ent in position to be seen by the jury, and
instructed him at a particular point in his
argument to shed tears. The client obeyed.
Under the influence of the eloquence of the
counsel and the weeping Of the party the
Jury rendered verdict giving damages
Next day Mr.. c., member of the bar,
in the presence of his brethren, thus ad-
dressed the learned counsel: 1t, ]
watched you in that case. When your eli
.ent wept at the trial those were theatrical
tears This morning, when saw you take
him out and make him assign the verdict for