The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-08-05
For the Gazette,
THE DRAFT.

The following was written during
thewar, and was sintendeda sa burlesque
on the manner of doing business dur
ing that troublous time by some of the
'Boards of Enrolment" which prov
ed themselves absurd and farcical in
the extreme. Their examination"
were neither scientific nor dignified,
nor even conducted in reference to the
merits or demerits of the case, but ac-
cording to whim or fancy, and, in
many instances, in spiritof .fdUoritism.
Men were sent into the service who
were totally unfit, and according to the
surgeons examinations afflicted with
all the diseases that flesh is heir to and
were only a chargeto the government,
whilst on the other hand, some who
would have made good soldiers were
allowed to go scot free on the most
trivial pleas.
SCENE: Board OF ENRoLEMENr.
Enter Consertpt No. l.
What is your name2' Graft
What is your claim p Daft
where are you from? 'Abaft
Your mode of travel?' Raft
please state your craft.
'Bilin hard soap and 'saft.'
Well, Mr.. Graft, you can watt,
And the Board all 'laft.'
Eztt Consertpt stngiRg:
'0h what a blessed thing to be
From every care and sorrow free
From carrying guns ard knopsacks, too,
How quick them chaps did put me through,
Enter COascript No. 2.
What is your claim p Rheumatic
Anything else p 'Hepatic.'
Your temperament p 'Lymphatc'
Your disposition p 'Erratic.'
Your notions2' 'Dogmatic'
p Your politics p Not Democratic.
your profession p 'Mattock'
Good By! Rheumatic Lymphatic .
And the Board was extatic
Eftt COHScf1pt Singing
'HeighO here we GO
Didn't tell you so
Wonders sure will never cease,
am clear as slick as grease
Enter Conscript No. 3.
What is your name p 'Skyles.'
What is your claim p piles
Have you any other?' 'Biles'
Where are you from p Niles.
What is your business?' TILES
Pass out Skyles, piles and biles,
Said the Board all smiles.
Laughing, extatic, smiling,
Thus the Board, its time beguiling.
Powers mighty scenes sublime
Was there ever such time?
Honest Abraham in the chair
Sound his praises everywhere
Heaven bless the good old man,
And save from every selfish clan,
Provost marshals and whiskey punch,
Uncle Sans table for lunch,
Greenbacks plenty for a sore shin,
Now's the time, boys! let's pitch in
Into the room struts Johnny Wike,
Surgeon declares he ne er saw the like
Ramollissed brain-atrophied skull,
impaired ideas, memory dull,
Manifest disease within the pharynx,
Apt to travel down into the larynx.
Here opthalmia, istula, ptosis,
Ectropion, entrOpion, amaurosis.
Cataract, myopia and adfuxion,
The devil himself might cause reduction,
Anchylosis, carries, hypOspadias,
Spinal curvature, fractured radius
Hydrops, hydrocele, Hygroma,
Rachitis, malaeosteon and SarcOma,
Atrophy, hypertrophy, phlogosis,
Hypopyon, ancyblepharon and mybosis,
Eucondroma, hydrarthus, hydrothorax.
And something wrong within the "borax :"
He has consumption, gravel, gout,
Smallpox, measles, inside and ont,
Yellow fevers, cholera, plague,
And elephantiasis on his leg,
Syphilis, leprosy, struma, seabios,
Hypoehondria, dementia, rabies
Sorry for you, Mr. Johnny Wike,
| really ne'er have seen the like,
But, I'm compelled TO let you know,
You must commute, substitute or GO!
= n 4 4 Il