Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1869-11-25
NO. 10.
Putting Up stoves.

IN consequence The arrival Of ooll weather
once more, about these days ,here IS uavcr-
sal putting up OF stoves, preparatory for ,Lo
winter campaign. and undoubtedly great deal
Of profanity is INDUCED in.
Oue who has had idorlbleexperisnce in
the work Of putting up stoves says tie first
step to be taken is to put on very Oh aad
ragged coat, under tie impression that when
he gets his mouth full of plaster it viii keep
his sbirt:bosom clean.
Next he gets his hands inside the place
where the pipe ought 70 60 aad blacks bis sn:
gers, aud then be carefully makes black mark
down one side Of his nose 1t is impossible TO
make any healway, in doing this work, uatl
his mark is made down the side Of his nose
Having got h.s face properly marked, the vic
tim is ready to be- gin the ceremony. The head
Of the iamily-who IS tie big goose Of the sa-
crifcc-grasps one side Of the bottom OF tho
stove, and his wife and thehireA girl take hold
Of the other side In this way the load is start
ed from the woodshed toward the parlor. Co
ing through the door, the head Of the family
will carefully swing the side of the stove around
aud i.m his thumb nail against the door. TLi5
part fthe ceremony is never omitted,
Having got the stove comfortably in place,
the next thingis to find thelegs. Twoof these
are left inside the stove since the spring before.
The other two must bohunted after for twenty
five minutes They are usually found under
the coal. Then the head Of the family holds
up one side Of the stove while the wife puts
two Of the legs in place, and next he holds up
the other side while the other two are fixel,
aud one Of the FIRST two falls out. BY the time
the stove is on its legs be gets reckless, aud
takes off bis old coat regardless Of his linen
Then he goes of Cor tho pipe aud gets Gin
der in bis eye It don't make any difference
how well the pipe was pat up last year, it will
be found q little too short or a little too long
The head of the family jams his hat over his
eyes, and taking pipe under each arm, goes
to the tin shop to have il fixed. Whcu he gets
back he steps upon one Of the best parlor
chairs to see ifthe pipe fits, and bis wife makes
him get down for fear he will scratch the var
nsh OF from the chair with the nails in his
boot-heel Ia getting down he will surely
step on the Cat, and may thank his stars if it
is not the baby
Then be gets an Old chair aud climbs up to
the chimney again to find that in cutting tho
pipe of the end has been left too big for tho
hole in the chimney. 50 be goes to tho wood
shed aud splits one side Of the end of the pipo
with an old axe, and squeezes it in his hands
to make it smaller. Finally he gets the pipe
in shape and finds that the stove does not
stand true. Then himself and wife and the
/ hired girl move the stove to the left, and the
legs fall out again.
Next it is to move to the right More diff
Guilty with the legs. Moved to the front lit
tie. Elbow not even with the hole in the
chimney aud he goes to the woodshed after
sons little blocks. While putting the blocks
under the legs, the pipe comes outof the chin
ney. That reneded, theelbow keeps tipping
over to the great alarm Of the wife Head Of
the family gets the dinner table out puts the
old chair On it, gets bis wife to hold the chair,
aud balances himself on it to drive some nails
into the ceiling. Drops the hammer on to
wifc's head At last gets the nails driven,
makes a wire swing to hold the pipe, hammers
little here pulls a little there, takes long
breath, and announces the ceremony compile
tod job never put up any stoves ltwould
have ruined bis reputation if be had.
MARK TWAIN