The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1869-04-10
VARIOUS ITEMS.

An electric shock-painful intelligence
by telegraph.
Country observation-disclosures.
A roaring trade-Kceping a menagerie.
When is a wall like fish When il
is scaled.
Blood tells, but not SO Otter as tongues.
When is a young lady like part Of !
word? When she is silly belle (syllable.)
Can it be said that the man who gets
his living by raising pork for market gets
his living by his pen? .
If breyity is the soul of wit, what
vast amount of fun there is in the tail OF
a fashionable coat.
It is good thing to have utility and
beauty combined, as the washerwoman
said when she used her thirteen children
as clothes pins.
Poet Patmore counseled:
Let no weak man, in desperate mood,
We'd dull girl because she's good.
To which somebody tied this:
Nor any woman, in any plight,
An obituary in an Indiana paper ap-
peared recently, beginning with this
stanza:
"Her noble spirit took its fight ID
10 worlds unknown to us;
And left this world of war and strifa,
With all its din and fuss"
A noted politician was once asserting
his entire Indifference to tie opinions Of
his opponents, and to their personal
abuse. "Why," said he, "a man likened
me the other day to Judas Iscariot, but I
don't care"
eyes," said q bystander, "but how
does Judas feel about it %
''La, me-" said Mrs. Partington, shcre
I've been suffering the bigamies of death
for three mortal weeks. First I was
seized with a bleeding phrenology in the
left atmosphere of the brain, which was
| succeeded by a stoppage of the left ven-
tilator of the heart. This gave me an
information in the borax, and now I'm
sick with the chloroform morbus. There
is no blessing like that of health, partic-
ular when you are sick y
Two friends met the other day in the
street. "What a shocking bad hat you
wear!' exclaims one of them.
sMy dear friend, [ only wear it be-
cause [ love my own liberty"
"What on earth has your liberty to do
with your hat ?"
''Oh, great deal. My wife has sworn
she would never walk out with me as
long as [ wear such hat"
'sYou would not take me for twenty ?"
said a nice girl to her partner, while
dancing, few evenings ago "what
would you take me for p @
s'For better, for worse" replied he.
Salve and sauve are great things in
this world. The one is as good in wounds
as the other is in manners. With plenty
of each, one may go through life in o
soothing and pleasant way, and there is
no better way. 4
If a lady snap you up, don't return the
compliment. Show that your skin is aa
tough as she thinks her tongue is sharp
You can stand it if she can. Tx
Miss Conduct is the worst lady we
know. Next to her is Miss Fits. Both
get themselves and other people into end
less trouble
! At Austin, Texas, the churches have
placards on the wall !: ssNo smoking al.
lowed"
| If industry is no more than habit, il
is at least an excellent one. .9
| A hard drinker in one of the New
England States, justified his conduct by
quoting Washington's example.
"Gen. Washington p said one Of his
friends, "where did you ever hear that
he drank ?"
, "Sparks says so in his life of him. y
answered the man; "he says that the
General used to go into the woods t.
rum-inate for an hour" s'.9
:, "Look out, there! What are you
kicking my dog for ?"
"I am kicking him cause he's full Of
feas, and / don't want them on my
clothes"
"Fleas, the devil! Why, that dog
, , sleeps with me-"
,, eyes, darn you, I know it, and that's
where he gets them" Hae3
The following satirical stanza IS said
! to have been copied from the tombstone
of husband and wife: le
Within this grave to lie, Hius3
Back to back, my wife and T., So.
when the last trump the air shall hli,