Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-05-11
wv WIMMIN.
BY MOZiS ADDUMS.

AS wlmmln Is q gUlnter voat sune, eyry dog
Nv man that kin hole pen is a takin Nv g
chants at EN- IL the gnus-papers. Its reethel
late IN the day fur me to cum lntoo the ring,
but m too much uv man to reziss the
tumptashun to take a pop at 'em.
[ has knewn and luved EN- well those menny
year, but has my ubjeckshun to wimmin.-
1t ar this-eyerything about EN- is too long
Thar kote-tail is too long; it ruffies on the
groun like runnin Warter and gethers up dert
and trash like a harrykane dozy doing roun a
fodder stalk But shipp under full sail ought
to have wake, and | wooden hav Wimmin S
frocks cut off to thar waste like a iump-iackit
for pritty.
Thar shoe-stringZ is too long A man kin
war bootz 'thout no strings tall, ixseptln Nv
the strops, bat wunniun Is bleest to hav cos
sets roun her ankles and lace 'em up like 2 par
Nv stays. May be it makes EN- walk mo prit-
tier. dunno. Thar heels Nv thar shoes is
alsoe too long, and thar sox is too long-takes
all day to dror 'em on.
Thar Extremity is too long They kin set in
cheer To- doun, and kick man that S settin
in high cheer, y foot off in the clear, clean
outen the hous Now Jon Ekkles nor the Bel
jim junt, nor mar nather man. cant do that
standin. This givs 'e'n ondew idvantidge
over thar marster, Man, in the urly staidge Nv
SdHiC' 1ilitCi Nv
is mo evener.
shall not say thar waste is too long, onlest
they dunno how to war thar clothes good and
are pedustrlanated to be ole mades A long
barrel womun are utto abominashun [ pre-
fears a Durrlnger
Thar necks is too l,lg. 4 neck Nv wum-
mum are like untoo the nluue in the Almenack
when they says "Luner runs low, and like the
bress Nv gooce it imbraces a good deel Nv the
back. Ef the neck Nv a man were like the
neck Nv wummun, the gnott Nv his crevatt
wood rest on the pitt Nv his stummuck When
wummun runs to neck, she out run ennythlng
ixsept OSTRICH Or kamme leppud, and her
he'd hangs away out yonder like appel on the
green appis with And in them oasis | has
absurvd that whar the he'd ar at sich distunce
frum the hart, the wumnun is onteelin wunl-
nun. And her neck is llnkeldy.
kinnot say Nv my oan lXpeyunce that the
hands and arms w wimnIn is too long, or why
they is so, but they ought to be SO accordin to
the lodjick Nv man, and tharfo they must be
so, whether or no they ar so or not SO. Thar
males is certny too long beln weepuns diffense
in wimmn and katts, tho [ has nuvver bin
skratcht nor bIoomslokt by q wummun. But
males in katts is calId claws, and they hides EN-
so that they nuyver comes out tell they ar a
gointer rip YOU And then they do it quick
Wimmins tungs Is TOO long, which is rite,
tungs bein thar best holt, as Ora Lathum wood
say, and more natelaler weepun Nv diffense
than males or claws We heerd a CRATE deel in
my item bout wim,nins talkin, but for ded-
levvil, hand-runniti, long windded talk, L II put
man aginst EN- emmy day. Housevver, when
it comes to a skoldln Nv suvvunt and ptlck y
to ouorlin with anuther wummun, men carnt
cumpvar with vimmen. Then it is, as the
CRATE Jummun pote, Go Ethe, sais, thar tungs
goes faster than fast as posslbll, and the SOU
perriorryty NV the insternent is displade in a
manner that must make good-talkln man fee
ubbasht.
Thar nose is too long. You may talk drink
mel frum hoame and Two hours beto dinner
and set doun and eet with the soemnetty Nv
| Sockratees eetin pzun but taint no use-that
nose have got you, and had yu frum the mo-
munt YOU entered the frunt dore. You Ii heel
sumthin. may be, tumorroW OR the day arfter
| and them coffy cranes you eet at 7 Yukers done
| Won no good In like maner her eye is toe
long, for it seen you wobbi sunes you ternd the
| cornder. and thar amt plug Nv tubbackel
iobbd ayay inside wv shert boosum IN the
hottum NV a truuc or dror that she don't see il
like telleskope. Why she kin rede 70 very
thoughts, and see a cuss-word lay in flat on the
floor Of your soul, fore II move. EVry wum
nun is nachural clear voyunt.
That thar heds is too long m satisfied, hay
| in nuyyer foun wu,nnlun ylt that couldn foo
me or ennv uther man, and the smarter the
man the eezier il is to fool him. You may say
whut YOU will bout the wzdum Nv men ane
the want NV it in wimmln, but has ubzuvC
this fack. that wimmin don't looze thar minds
in old aidge like men. They don't git dotted tx
sent in urly yewth \ snarcastlck man would
! saw that wimnin have little mind to looZe, ane
| tharfo they hangs onto it; but L has ubZuvt
that, arfter they has puppytrated the supream
folly Nv marryin, they has good deal mo wiz
dunn for man than the man havs for hlsself
and wimmin is like fox-fer, they don't shine tx
sept in dark pais, and marriage is dark emu
for most Nv EN-, 20 souls
| Thar har is too long, tho l cant abear
wummun with short har 81 that parts her ha
on one side-I want to kill them one-sidet
wimmen whenuver ami wharuver see um-bu
it hangs doun like boss 5 tail and they hav
to gorm it over thar heds evry which away lik
felier that's got big bubble handful of steu,
melassis that it is hard work to keep fruu
drannin on the floor. But wimmins har don
eit hard like melassis handy, tho I'd ruthe
mil it enny day, if it's pritty, than handy, be
eos If don't stick to 20 hands and makes sum
thin run up yo elbo that nuvver runs out o
kandv Wimmins har is like tall trees on to-
nv . hill nut thar to hide the hardness Nv tn
rocks Frum feen and fngerin Nv tha
hlessid bewtiful har, soft as silk, you'd nuvve
dream that dllishus and ixtocksikatin stuff lik
that comes out Nv pei haps the drndest hardes
bone on EARTH
Finally, thar memmyrs is too long. To saw
vo life. You couldn't tell the fust item or enn