North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-04-21
Josh Billings Papers.

Spring came this year az mutch az usu
al, hail butuous virgin, 5000 years oil
and upwards, hale and hearty old gal
welcum tew York State and parts ada
cent!
Now the birds jaw, now the cattle hol
ler, now the pigs skreach, now the geese
warble, now the kats sigh, and nature il
frisky the earnest pismire, the virtuou
bedbug and the nobby cockkroach ar,
-singing Yankee doodle and "coming thru
the .rhi." Now may be seen the musketeel
that gray outlined critter ov destiny, soil
tary and alone, examining his last year,
bill, and now may be heard, with tn,
naked ear, the hoarse shanghigh, bawline
in the barnyard.
Kittens in the doorway, and puppies on
the green, neighbor chats with neighbor
and the languid urchin creeps listless
toward the school. These things are all
fust rate in their places, bat spring brings
pesky biles, and plants them carelessly
sometimes among the maiden's charms
and sometimes among the young mems.
| kan tork like pressure poet about biles
just now, for have one in full bloom
! growing on me, almost reddy to pick, az
big az an eggplant, and az full az broken
heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their size
on rekord, and az kross tew the touch az
a sitting hen, or dog with fresh bone.
Biles alwas pick out the handyest place
on you're body tew build their nest, and if
you undertake to brake them up, it only
makes them mad, and takes them Ions ger
to hatch out. There aint no such thing
az coaxing, nor driving them away. They
are like an impudent bed bug, they won't
move till they have got their fill.
Biles are az old az religion. Job, the
profit, waz the first champion ov biles,
and he is currently reported tew hav more
biles and more pashunce to the square
inch than emmy one-two very rare things
to be found in emmy man.
Biles and pashunce! should as soon
think ov mixing courting and muskeeters
together, for luxury.
| hav got crate deal more faith than
hav pashunce, but haint got enough
faith in biles. wouldn't trust a bile,
even on one ov mi boots.
think faith il better artiklc than pa
shurce. Faith sumtimes il an evidence
ov brains, and pashunce quite often il
only numbness, but don't think in those
smoothe shod times it is best to hav too
mutch capital invested in either ov them.
But am, out Of the road. must git
back onto biles again.
If a fellow begins tew wander, and git
out ov the straight and narrow path, it is
curious how quick he will begin to go to
-. Biles are very sassy sumtimes
when yer so to set down they will git be-
tween yer and the chair this is one evil
dence of their i'll breading, and had one
once plant herself on the frunt end of my
noze, which waz a most remarkabel piece
Of bad manners, for there il no room on
my noze ennywhare for bile; for when
it is even ebb tide with mi noze it covers
half ov my face. Biles are sed tew be
helthy, and guess they am, for hev seen
sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornets
nest and az full ov stings. always want
tew be helthy-i am willing to pay the
highest market price for good deal ov
helthy-but if had to hev 2 biles on me
awl the time, in order to be helthy, should
think that was bulling the market.
There is one more smart thing about
biles they are like twins; they hardly
ever come singly, and have known them
to throw double skies.
What twelve biles on one man at a
time! This is wus than tighten humble
bees with your summer clothes.
Biles are sed, by the educated and cor
rect spoilers of the land, tew be an opera
shun oy nature to get rid ov sumthing
which she wants to spare. This is so
without doubt, but it don't strike me az
being very polite thing in nature tew
shuv oph her biles onto other folks.
say. let everybody take care oy her own
biles.
But say all yer kan about biles, call
them all the mean names current among
fishmungers, revile, and persecute, and
spit on them, groan, grin and swear they
visit yer, hit them over the head, and set
on than if ye pleaze, there is a time in
their career when they concentrate all the
pathos ov JOY that man has on hand to
spare, and that is-when they bust
This is bliss, glory and revenge on the
haff sEell. A man leans back in rectified
comfort, az innocent and az timber az a
mermaid. This pays for the fretful nights
and nervous days while the bile haz been
hatching; this shows us what it is to grin
and bear it-this shows US what it is to be
billed, and wrung out, and hung up to dry.
This is the calm after the storm, the wed
ding day ov pashunce and joy /; this iz the
christening ov hope, the mystick hen that
lays eggs day this is butter in yure
sassagis. Exit Biles.
We clip the articles following from the
Charles City Latelligencer. Both suit us
first t,rate, in fact and in style of writing !:
Political LEEcuEs.-Attached to every
political party are thousands Of men who
never dream of engaging in regular bust
ness pursuits, or of working as producers
for a livelihood but live, Heaven knows
how, year after year, upon the hope, and
with the intent, Of procuring Office. They
will spend ten years of idleness to get one
| or two wears Of nartiSan and official bread