, 1869-04-30
MR. w1LKINs on vELocIrEpEs.
BY JOHN QUILL.
90 But Wilkina I-n

10 have IL you may as well make up your
mind to that at once. No woman shall ever
Igo prancing around this community on a
Ivelocipede while she's wife Of mine if l
esn help it; so you can just take that old
pair Of wheels you brought home and gladden.
The heart Of some kiDdling wood man with
them, for ride on them you don't If you do,
I'm DutchmsD; there P'
j 'Mr. wilkins, you know l.
| mo, don't know anything Of the kind.
Do you think I'm going to let such looks
ing woman as you dress up in Bloomers aud
mount high hat and go around trying to
show of that figure ?
Mr.. wilkins
go Struggling around the thoroughfares
of this town, looking like an old beer cask
propped up on two legs, showing those ankles,
which are so thick that you couldn't get one
of them through the equator ?
wilkins, I'll scratch
well, should think not. Aud, besides.
don't know whereabouts on this terrestrial
globe you expect to 6nd any wheels strong
enough to bear you. You'd smash a pair
Of cast iron cars into smithereens the min
ute you sat down on them, you would. The
best thing you can do is to walk, and on the
ground, too. where the crust of the earth
isn't thin or else sit in front of fire and
melt down your avoirdupois.'
'Mr. Wilkins, you're perfectly scandalous
But l am not going to put up with it. |
don't intend to have you Topping around
town on velocipede, aud very likely falling
of aud breaking your bones, and then have
a lot OF doctors coming to my house aud
making post mortem examinations, and saw
ing you up, and discovering things with hard
Latin names in your lungs AID your liver,
and your physique generally. Well. l should
think not It's bad enough to have to sub
NIT to you now, without having your gore
split over the carpet, and parcel of sawbOues
disappearing at your anatomy l.
wilkins, amt you ashamed to talk so p
Il want you to understand that il you ride
that velocipede I'll sue for a divorce.
don't believe in q woman exercising her
muscle on auy such contrivance. You'd
good de i better get a scrubbing brush aud
60 down and tackle the front door steps with
some sand aud q chunk of soap. That's the
kind Of exercise you want, 10 my opinion
'Mr. wilkins, if you'll only listen
Or else bsactiee carrying a coal scuttle up
and down stairs every five minutes all day.
f1bby Old girl Of your years undertaking to
ride a velocipede, why it's Simply ridcu-
lous'
Mr. Wilkins, l.
'The Erx; thing know, | suppose, you
will H. paraling you rself 10 the papers ns
Madame wilkins, the Champion Female
Veiocipedist, aud running mile heats on the
Nicholson pavcpSat for one hundred dollar
purses, best tWs out of three A beautiful
spectacle won't it be! And then suppose
you'll wat. me TO bet on you and back you
Sup; but not one cent. of my cash do you
get Not single solitary red. Do you
suppose I'm going to throw my money away
on such fanatic as you? Well, should
think not. l wouldn't put up a dollar on
you if was worth untold billions I'm not
proud Of you; want you distinctly to un-
derstand that
| 'Mr. Wilkins, that's all nonsense
'And pretty example you are setting to
your children. Here only yesterday Holo<
fernes Montgomery made velocipede out of
two -four barrel lids, and when he and
Bucephalus Alexander tried to mount it, it
broke down and bit Mary Jane on the leg
aud lamed her for life, while Holofernes
Montgomery fell over on the cat, which
yowled and spitted around and scratched
Holofernes Montgomery over the frontispiece,
SO that bis beauty is destroyed, and be looks
more like you than ever. l say it's perfect.
ly outrageous, and I'm not going to stand it,
'Mr. wilkins Oh if you'll listen I'll
tell you something
| oh ! l don't want to hear it. Well dis.
continue the conversation. I'm tired of
hearing you cackle'
well, that velocipede that came home
Never mind now. want to go to Sleep
Just give your tongue q chance to rest, will
you ?
Was for you. Iheari you say you wanted
one, and so bought it out of the market
money saved. But you treat me like such
brute that I-I-I-'
'Forme did you say, Sarah Well, then
never mind now. Don't cry, Sarah, 1 say
Never mind; ] won't do it again, Sarah
Don't cry, Sarah Oh we'll, cry them who
cares2 You're the most aggravating woman
that ever lived. I'll get that velocipede
tomorrow morning and abandon you as sure
as my names Wilkins. III dom, hang me !
| -ON
QUADRILLE.-A sailor, while explaining
the third figure of quadrile to his mess
mate, thus described it You first heave
ahead, said he, aud pass your sdversary's
yardarm, regain your berth on the other tack
in the same ordep take your station with
| your partner in liIe. hack and GIL. and then