Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1869-11-24
Last words OF Great Men.
BY MARK TWAIN.

There was Chesthertield. Lord Ches-
terheld had labOred hard all his life to
build up the most shining reputation FOR
affability and elegance Of speech and
manners, that the world had ever SEEN
And could you suppose he failed to ap-
preciate the efficiency Of characteristic
"last words" in the matter of seizing
the successfully driven nail of such a
reputation, and clinching it on the 9TH
er side forever? NOthe. He had prePar-
ed himself. He kept his eye on the clock
and his finger on his pulse. HesWait.
ed his chance. And at last when he
knew his time was come, he pretended
to think q new visitor had entered, and
so, with the rattle in his throat, empha-
sized for dramatic effect, he said to the
servant, "Shin around, John; and get
the gentleman a chair" Andrthen he
died amid thunders Of applause.
Next we have Benjamin Franklin;
franklin, the author Of poor Richards
quaint sayings; Franklin, the immortal
axiom builder, who used to sit up nights
reducing the rankest old thresdBre
platitudOs to crisp and Snappy maximsr
that had a nice, vanished, original look
in their new regimentals; who said,
Virtue is itg own reward and Procras-
tination is the thief Of time;n Who said,
Time and tide wait for no man,; and
Necessity is the mother Of invention
good old Franklin, the Josh Billings of
the eighteenth century-thOugh, sOoth
to say, the latter transcends him in pro-
verbal originality as much as he falls
short Of him in correctness Of Orthogra-
ply. What sort Of tactics did Franklin
pursue? He pondOred over his last
words for as much as two weeks, and
then when the time came, he said,
frSons but the brave deserve the fair"
and died happy. He could not have
said a sweeter thing if he had lived till
he was an idiot.
Byron made . poor business Of it, and
could not think Of anything 70 say at
the last moment, but "Augusta-sister
Lady Byron-tell Harriet Beecher
Stowe etc.; but Shakespeare was ready
and said England expects. every man
to do his duty" and went off with splen-
did ecIat.
And there are other instances Of sag
aciouB preparation for a felieitOus clos
ing remark. For instance, Alexander
the Great, said
Another Ofthose Santa Cruz punche,
please"
| The Empress Josephine said,
! s:Not for Jo-," and could get no fur
ther.
CIeopatrs said, '.The Old Guard dies
but never surrenders."
Sir Walter Raleigh said, Execution
er, can I take your whetstOnea a moment
please ?"
John Smith said, Alas! am the
last Of my family?"
| Queen Elizabeth said, "Oh, I would
give my kingdom forone moment more.
I have forgotten my last wOrds.'
| And Red Jacket, the noblest Indian
brave that ever welded a tOmahaEk in
defense Of a friendIess and prosecuted
raee, expired with these tOuOhing words
upon his lips, "Wakawpenoosac, win
nebagwalIasgamoreaskat che bum"
There wasn't a dry eye in the wigwam.
Let not this lesson be lost upon our
public men. Let them take a healthy
moment for preparation, and contrive
some last words that will be neat and to
the point. Let Louis Napoleon say:
II am content to follow my uncle;
still L do not desire to improve on his
| last words, Put me down for tete de
armee."
And Garret Davis: ''Let me recite the
unabridged dictionary"
And H. G.: 81 desire now to say q
few words on-politicaI economy"
| And Mr.. Bergh: "OnIy take part OF
me at a time. if the load will be fatigus
ing to the hearse horses"
And Andrew johnson: Il have been
an Alderman, Member Of Congress,
Governor, Senator, Pres--Adieu.
you know the rest"
And Seward: "AlAs-ha.H
/ And Grant: ooh"
All of which is submitted respectfully
and with the most honorable inten-
tiOns.