The Van Buren press., 1869-09-28
MISCELLANY.
Shirts and the Little Heather.

lot Of duds and things to the heathcn in
Africa. 1t is con!ounded stupid. say.
What do you suppose o lot ofold coffee
colored pagans, stepped in ignorance and
vice, want with shirts2 Hey? Why,
they don't want 'em' They were born
without 'em, weren't they? Aud iii
was right for them to have clothes, don't
you suppose they weuld have had 'em
Don't you suppose bencfcent nature
knows better than you and all the other
heifers down at the sewing bee? Why
it's absolutely ridic---"
Wilkins, you shan't talk that way
about"
ats perfectly ridiculous. But you
go on; you go on and send them over
there to Africa, and do You know what
will happen. Do you know what will lie
the result Of your tomfooleryP Why,
the very first thing you know, some be.
nighted heathen or other will so out and
mount one of these shirts some night
and paddle around in the dark and scare
the other heather, and make them believe
in ghosts, set the whole continent Of
Africa to falling down and sacrificing
themselves to lot Of old nine headed
idols, and iabberiBg away at their pagan
prayers. You've got sin enough on your
souls, old women, without that, l want
you to distinctly understand.
"Mr. wilkins, you are toe contempt
ible to notice"
"Yes and I'd just like to know what
an ignorant heathen knows about shirts
anyhow? Why, absolutely nothing and
very likely the first fellow that tries to
get into one will get 1t upside down and
mix his legs up in the sleeves, and get
himself into a tangle and trip up, and
fall over some p-ecipice or other, and
then there will be the responsibility ofa
mauglcd man added to your list Of crimes.
But / d just like you to bear in mind that
you don. send any of my wardrobe out
there i don't want parcel of Ethiops
sporting round on Afric's sunny shore
III my linen, Not exactly. like to see
mer. ENJOY themselves, but not in that in
decent style
"But, Mr. Wilkins"
Protty spectacle it will be now,won't
it? Forty six little Africans dressed in
simple but chase garb Of white shirts,
sitting along a bench in the Sunday
school, wrigglng their toes or else Gu
joying themselves at races, singing Ham
Fat and doing the Walk Around.
That's pretty way to civilixe heathen
land amt it? For they won't wear any
pants, you observe. Ifyou go to ship
ping lot of pants over there the first
thing you know they will have them
tackled on some idol or other, or rammed
full Of feathers and be holding religious
services before each pant; and Is for
socks, why every sock that has been sent
over there has been stutfedwlth sand and
used as a war club. That's so; and I've
no doubt that very identical pair you're
knitting on now will bring a stray Pagan
some day or other in some muss."
"Mr. wilkins, you know that's not So
"If you want to do your colored
friends 9 service, why don't you go to
work and ship them u lot Of the delica-
cies of the season! Why don't you send
out ship load of canned missionaries,
or something else that will make their
mouths water Or you might collect an
assortment of second hand jawbones, and
give them to them for necklaces, or send
out your own false teeth, Or
wilkins Ill scratch"
"Or go yourself, and sec how it feels
to be eaten ! won't stop you. You've
got my permission, you understand But
| pity the miserable pagan that stutfs
himself with you You won't agree with
him. You never did with me, my love-
Mr.. wilkins, you are a brute"
But for my part l think you had bet
ter stay at home and attend to your chill
dren, instead Of fooling down there at
that society. with lot Of tabbes who
slander their neighbors and make more
mischief than they DO underclothes for
the naked IIottentots'
"Mr. wilkins, that's not So"
sYou'd better stay at home and sew
rof your family. that's what you'd better
do. There's William Henry been going
round for six weeks or so with only one
gallus on his pants, and looking like be
was deformed cripple, with one shoul.
der foot higher than the other, while
his stockings have no feet, and the upper
part Of them keep working up his leg,
until the boy nearly goes mad.
"What an awful story, Wilkins
"And Bucephalus Alexander's best
Sunday jacket has burst out all over in
spots, and Breckenridge Augustus, h:y
ing run ont of handkerchiefs, has lately
been practicing wiping his nose on his
sleeve in church, until | was SO mortified
that had to take him out last Sunday
and have him stood in the coal hole and
spanked like the nation by the sexton.
Unaffected simplicity is all well enough
in its way, but that's carrying it a little
too far"
"Mr. wilkins you know that's not So"
"And as for Mary Jane, she is just go
ing straight to destruction. She's got to
initiating your example. and now she
thinks it amt worth while to live if you
can't do something for the hoathcn. So
what does she do yesterday but 20 and
give my bes. hat TO the boy who swept
the chimney, and it came nearly down to
his waist, and she asked him If he had
ever read Dir. McPherson's treatise on
the Whole Duty ofMan,' and he obsery.
ed that he didn't know muffin about dat
dar, he reckon" and while she went up
stairs to got it for him be embezzled two
chunks or corned beef and cold potato,
and the first thing you know he will be
in the penitentiary, and all along Of your