Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-04-02
Hu1nor.

saddle, paddle, skedaddle.
Why is your nose in the middle Of the
face? Because it is the scenter. 8
Goldfish aristocracy---A, set Of fools who
think more of themselves than better people
think Of them. ss..F y d}s % ESQ
Awag lent clergyman a horse, which
ran away and threw him, and then claimed
credit for ssaid in spreading the gospel"
Some grocers seem to think that sugar,
like men and women, is good in proportion
as it contains grit---so in goes the sand
An Irishman complained to his physician
that he stuffed him so much with drugs,
that he was sick a long time after he got
WELL
What is the difference between the en-
trance to barn and an oyer-talkative per-
son? One is a barn door and the other
darn bore. ~l. E4
A printers apprentice says that at the
Office they charge him with all the pr they
find, and at home they charge him with oil
they don't find. E8E ~
A Welsh proverb---H a woman were as
quick with her feet as with her tongue she'd
catch lightning enough to kindle the fire in
the morning. m@ q u
It used to be said that reading made full
man and fashion full woman Nowadays
fashion don't act that way on the sex. 1t
rather strips them - g .-.r. ,<;
I think all girls are real good and sweet r
said an enthusiastic urchin. "Then where
do the bad women come from :" asked his
bachelor uncle. "Oh," he replied, they're
sweet girls turned sour J"
A Scotchman went to lawyer once for
advice, and detailed the circumstances of the
case. "Have you told the facts just as they
occurred 2" cay" was the reply, II thoot
ye would put the lies into it.
AN OREGON IDEA newspaper in Ore
gon publishes its list of births, marriages
and deaths under the head Of "Come, Fix
ed to Stay, and Gone" In Chicago the
role is "Come. Nix for Stay, Gone Up"
An impecunious country editor duns his
patrons as follows: A man might as well
attempt to quench the phosphorescent eman-
with squirt gun as to try to run anewspa-
per without money i~ y
''Do you say your prayers regularly eve
ry night and morning ?" asked a sympathet-
ic lady of a little shoe black. to whom she
had just given a trife. II allus seq 'um at
night, mum, but any smart boy can take of
hisselfin the daytime, was the little rogue's
reply.
A little girl was very fond of preaching
to her dolls Her mother heard her one
day reproving one for being SO wicked @
YOU naughty, sinful child she said shaking
the waxen limbs, you will just go to that
lake of birthstone and molasses, and you
won't burn up, you'll just sizzlep
They tell me I am handsome yet,
And all the ladies say ,s4 ~
''Do look at him the dear old man
Grows younger every day"
And when each friend asks. cat your age
How came you free from ills?"
I always answer: ''In my youth uTf +,
paid my printers bills" Il
A good story is told o. captain who went
into grocery where there were lot Of
loungers, and no one offered him seat
Knowing everything about the grocery he
went behind the counter, and Selling keg
marked powder, threw it upon the fire, ex-
claiming: Gentlemen, it's my opinion
we've lived long enough" The way they
ran out of the store was caution to ground
and lofty tumbling. Of course the key was
empty. @
Josh Billings Lexicon.
Blush-The cream ov modesty
Man--Live dirt. @ 4-
Friends-Books, paintings, and stuff
birds.
Observation-Disclosures afraid.
Conscrvatism-A bag with hole in it..
Radicalism-A hole with bag to it.
Politicks -The apology ov plumber.
Mule-A pun on horse t6
Patience-Faith waiting for nibble. Il
Sparking-Picking buds oph from the
bush.
Faith-The soul riding at anchor, Ia /,
Buss-Happiness bileing over and run
ming down both sides ov the pot - ~
Marliagc-An alter on which man laws
hiz pocketbook aDd woman her love letters.
Quack-A doktor whoze science laws in
hiz BILL 6
Hash-A boarding house confidence game
Fuss-An ole hen with one chicken.
Twins-2 much ~ 'd
Boarding -School-A place WHARF wry
coffee and firtashun is taught
Experiment-Energy out of job
Virtue-That ingredient which needs no
foil, and without which nothing else il val
label. sil-
Solitude-A good place tew visit, but a
poor place tew stay. t-7iagz.
Poverty-The only birthright that man
kant lose .a..,'il1
Accidents dismay ov phools, the
wize mans barometer
Wealth-Baggage at the risk of the own
Fortune-The aggregate ov possibilitys !;
D goddess whom towards court by stealth,
but whom brave men take by storm
Economy-A fust mortage on wealth. =
Enough-Jist leetle more.
Mischief maliss ov fun. ls;ls
Cook-One who manufakters appetights
Diseases-The whipping posts and brand
ing irons ov luxury. p s9-
Drunkenness-shame lost and shame
found ~. ,...--s-9,-. - ~.
Cowardice-Pluck on ice
Glutton-A man with drunken appe-
tight.
Examples-Foot prints in the wilderness
Nunnery-Piety in chains
Ignorance-Raw happiness. e.1.
Sin-A natural distemper, for which yir-
tew haz bin discovered to be an antidotc.