The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-09-16

only thing he cared for on this side Of tn
cold and silent grave was an item. Give hin
only one item and he would swell up over
until he would rip all the side seams in hi
clothes. For that was his weakness.
And he educated himself up to such
pitch that he would fairly gloat over human
misery. If man was only run over by
milk wagon and mangled SO that be couldn'
bulge, Jim would feel good, and benign ant
happy. And if any stray boy or other wen
around anywhere where the attraction o
gravitation was strong, and fell off a fou
story house and dslocated his neck, and ex
PRED on the pavement Jim Duffy's heart
would expand with bliss and he would maxi
it his particular business to send around ant
give ten cent stamp to missionary society
as a thank offering. It seemed cruel, but j
was his nature And if some man would
butcher fellow creature, James would fee
so overioycd that he would leave his work
and go out and sacrifice to some idol or other
Just to relieve his feelings and express his
sense Of gratitude. es
Jim was so low spirited when items were
scarce that he felt as if he must make some
active exertion to kill dull care and make
way With melancholy. And what do you
think Jim Duffy did in this emergency p
Why, he would get hold of little child and
take sitaup on his knee, and carcss it, and tell
it fairy stories about good little boy who
was stricken with early piety to such an
alarming extent thatshe felt it to be his reli-
gious duty to go up and build bonfres in
the garrett, and then Jim would make the
child believe that all he had to do to get
to heaven was to 60 up into the coekloft and
start fire among the old rags Then jim
Duffy would give him a box Of matches and
send him home, and he would get out his
note book and follow him, and prowl around
the corners until he saw the smoke, when he
would rush down to the Office and let himself
out over piece Of paper with GA Terrific
Conhagration- Fearful Destruction Of Prop
erty-Sapposcd Work of an Incendiary,
and then he would amuse himself exaggerat-
ing the price of the house that was burned.
And you know be never felt any remorse
over this. He actually revelled in it, and
considered that he was advancing the cause
Of civilization and christianity
Every now and then he would take trip
into the country in order to mediate upon
the beauties of Nature, he said, but it was a
singular fact that whenever he left town
there was always frightful railroad accident
in the very identical rural district into which
Jim went 1t was thought that he misplaced
switches and tied logs on the tracks but he
never alluded to it himself, although it was
considered remarkable that he was always
the first reporter on the ground.
When Jim paid attentions to young wo-
man he wouldsit all serene and felicitous in the
back parlor with his arm around her in order
to soothe her and calm her fears, until he
saw his chance, when he would let her go
out for minute and then he would upset a
half dozen chairs, and spill some red paint
on the carpet to represent gore. Then he
would rush out and tell the girl pack of
first-class falsehoods about a fight with
burglar, and the next morning you might
pick up the Enaagerator and you would see
a two columns account Of desperate con
fict with ruffian-Heroic conduct of our
reporter *
But Jim Duffy thoughtno more Of telling
falsehoods than if it wasn't sin, for he felt
it to be a part of his ordinary business, and
he knew he must have his regular item or he
would die.
And when Jim's father died Jim laid off
beside his bedside and pretended to be weep.
ing while he watched for the old man to
blow his last breath, when Jim's face. would
light up with happiness, and he would break
for his Office and scratch out half a column,
headed sSAnother old and respected citizen
gone" .4
He absolutely wished he had a hundred
fathers, SO that he might write an obituary
every week
But at last his own time came, and jim
Duffy was about to die. He wasn't particle
afraid, notwithstanding all his falsehoods
for he knew it would help to fill the local
column, so he sent all his relatives down
stairs, and got his assistant reporter to STAND
by him and made him swear that he would
not give the item to any other paper, and
then, with serene smile on his face, he yield
ed up his life, and Jim Duffy was no more
His will was full of items. He desired
that they should put the last edition OF the
Eraggeratcr in his coffin, and bury him with
the church service that had the greatest num-
Der Of superlative adjectiges in it. I 3a8
This was all done. and it is fair to suppose
that Jim's spirit will now be at rest, unless
something of a startling nature occurs in the
spirit world, when you can safely bet ne will
be rushing around among the mediums and
knock ing on old tables and chairs, SO as to get
the item into the Euaagerator. 3isiil.'' 4