The workingman's advocate. [volume] (Chicago [Ill.]) 1864-1877, 1869-06-19
pHrrctnaIcAL pEPAsrrrxr.

PHYSIOLOGICAL DEPARTMENT..
You ara neither long nor short, fat TOR
lean, Mr.. Stirring. You are plump, sleek,
add in tolerably good condition. Your com
plexion is not so good "a II would be il you
were to take more outdoor exercise. Were
YOU to take IN axe and 20 into the woods
each morning, and Lsx timber for the space
Of four hours. you would get color in your
cheeks those fabby muscles Of yours would
harden your heart would warm and melt
somewhat the blood would course more
rapidly through your veins; this would
warm % your cold unsympathyzing nature
YOU would begin q feel that you belonged
70 the great human race, which you keep 30
much apart from you now. In addition
twenty more years would be affixed to your
life. But YOU do not like out door cxer-
else, choppug wood and wood choppers are
alike objects Of y0nr scorn Then we can
-'r help you, you must drag out your latter
days az q poor miserable dyspetic. This
comfort you will be blessed with, as surely
a. YOU are Mr.. Stirring. Yor have not much
I q az for Others welfare now; you will have
less a. you grow older.
Your height IL, as you now stand, five
feet eight, and your weight is one hundred
and sixty-tFo pounds In movement you
are rather slow, and BY no means elegant
uG graceful. You would not make a pugil
Isl. the material for this sort Of thing must
re of the purest water. The material you
are made az Is very common. Four hours
AMI the axe would have wonie~4ui effect on
your thought; t would imp We you won
derfully in this respect. You might be made
I with care, equal physically "a an ordinary
Wood-chopper. We shall leave your phys
icsl and mental capacities, and begin with
your
HISTORY.
4 You know you were born in an attic in
the great city 1f New York. This is not
saying that an attic is not as good place
for a man TO begin 70 inhEle the breath Of
life ID as any other place int there are GER
tain things associated v.-I garretf and
attics, that are not considered respectable.
You were bat baby then, and in no way
responsible for this calamity. How much
rests on the shoulders Of Stirring senior, for
your elevated birth, We shall not venture 70
say. OJhers say-Wh0 are more intimately
acquainted With your histOry-that spirits
had something % 10 with this matter. Good
spirits elevate the mind and humble the
body but they say the kind Of spirits your
sire had dealings with, reversed these con-
ditiOns, that il, they elevate the body 70 The
poverty Of an attic and sunk the mind, co
unknown depths Of degradation. This Is
the most delicate part Of your history Stir
ring, and you viii please TO excuse tbe
roundabout way l am advancing towards
it. The plain fact Is your sire was fond Of
the bottle. Nsnv more peoples 'ircS ere
fond Of the same thing, mean re contents
Of certain bottles Slrrlng, fir your es-
pecial benefit i shall tell you an Old story,
20 illustrate how others have been fond Of
TIE bottle az Il as your sire. This viii
convince and encourage you at the same
time, | DO not Wish to make your prOgsni-
tors ease appear exceptional.
Ore Of cur 1Oai miners was fond OF the
bottle too. He met with an accident be
cot his leg lmmed II swelled and was
painful The medical advice prescribed,
arub with bottle Of brandy" This short
prescription mad our wounded friends
ewes sparkle With delight bis mouth water
~ bis cauntenance could not have assumed
more CHEEKY look, had be been presented
with q legacy. His better half was dispatch
Cd for bottle Of the finest brandy to be
. ffuU III AINAs 4 NN NlAAlt aft hrA All4 acAAtAAs
was soon set before him this made bis very
eyes dance in the sockets. A CORK screw
was offered but lp iid MT need il then. Ila
uncovered the injured part and rubbed it
vigorously for the space Of zen minutes. Ills
wife looking no The performance, interferej;
She even dictated 90 her wounded lord, te.l-
Jig bin forsu0th, that the ph7siciln mad in-
tended the contents Of the bottle 60 be used
AZ a lotion. Our friend treated this absurd
notion with deserved contempt, be again
rubbed NOR. vigorously with tla glass slr-
face. Thinking that such exertion should
bot pass unrewlrded. be applied 'he cork
screw and made a free passage IL the Ia.
eide. After this inroad was made, he DIS
posed of Jhe c0u,ants ID manner That
showed ha was not entirely ignorant Of the
uses 0f th. liquor, ana tlat us TA- more 0f
au original, than the learned NJ. p. Dis
rcusiug with further i've pc the d.ct9r, ha
insisted ga a uumber IF repedtioas ~ TIE
3 za Ihe leE z.t well In due time. a nv,
Stirring, taat fellow made good use Ut THE
bottle. What was more natural than that
tle exterior should have been apple t0
the exterior, and hat was inside % the iu-
sac. III th ra were aEy IN tue doctor Ea,
most certainly responsible. Herein was apt
conformity.
p. $50 punish you miners who 10 not
READ ,his paper, ( intend with the proprie-
tors leave) ty run We mNTyg AGENT throu- y
several numbers. 1 shall show you tha pup
pels working a8d who pull tie strings w
make them dance. / shall draw you parallels
chat wi4 illustrate the life behind tI3 scenes
81 az arros q. mining agent. By giving
you Lis correct lrtg4it you will be better
acquainted with hin. Orher characters are
introduced ar00ng whom you viii find black
sl ac0 tHEinZ a prUuinent part / bell We
uew subscribers vii net be sorry If they Sc
cure copies. This smacss HI eg0tism. but !
write ior ,hs benefit Of vorkiugnen, miners
in particular, anu il would CRAFTY 3D. % see
tlis paper vel c'rcu.a-ed throughout The
mining districts. ~ Ii. NJ
Ashland. F4, MaY l-aa.