The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1869-10-08
The Hornet.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

~ The Hornet. m
| BY JOSH BILLINGS.
THE hornet is inf1amible bugger, sud
den in his impreshuns and hasty in his
conclusion, or end.
His natral disposisheniz warm cross
between red pepper in the pod and fusi
oil, and hiz moral bias IL, "git out ov mi
way"
They hav long, black boldly, divided
in the middle by a waist spot, but their
phisikal importance lays at the terminus
of their suburb, in the shape Of jayelin.
This javelin IL alwuz loaded, and stands
reddy to unload at minuit' warning, and
enters man az still az thought az spry az
litening, and az full ov melancholy az the
tOothake. mfa
| Hornets never argy case; they settle
awl ov their differences Ov opinyun by let
ting their javelin fly, and are az certain to
hit as mule IL.
This testy kritter lives in congregations
numbering about one hundred souls, but
whether they are male or female, or con-
servative, or matched in bonds Ov we'd
lock, or whether they are Mormons, and
good many ov them king together and
keep one husband to save expense, don't
kno nor don't kare.
/ never hav examined their habits
much, never konsidered it healthy.
Hornets bili their nest wherever they
take noshun to, and seldom are dis
turbed, for what would it profit man to
kill 80 hornets and hav the one hundredth
one hit him with hiz javelin?
They bid their nests ov paper, without
emmy windows to them or back doors
They hav but one place ov admission, and
the nest IL the shape ov an Overgrown
pineapple, and IL cut up into just as menny
bedrooms as their liz hornets.
1t IL very simple to make a hornets nest
if you kan, but will wager emmy man 300
dollars he kant bid one that he could sell
to a hornet for half price.
Hornets are az bizzy as their second
couzzins, the bee, but what they are about
the Lord only knows; they don't -ay up
emmy honey, nor emmy money; they seem
to be bizzy only jist for the sake ov work
ing all the time they are alwus in az
much ov hurry az tho they waz going
for dokter.
suppose this uneasy world would grind
around on its axletree onst in "a hours,
even eff there want emmy hornets, but hOr-
nets must be good for sumthing, but l can't
think now what it IT, .tf[
Thare hain't been bug made yet in
vain, nor one that want good job, thare
liz ever lots Ov human men lOating around
blacksmith shops, and cider mills, all over
the country, that don't seem to be neces-
sary for anything but to beg plug tobacco
and swear, and steal water-melons, but
yu let the cholera break out once, and
then yu will see the wisdom of having
jist sich men laying around; they help
count. a
Mex tew the cockroach, who stands tew
the head, the hornet haz got the most
waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest
ov his body, than emmy ov the insec pepu-
lashun, and here il another mystery;
what on 'arth duz hornet want so mutch
reserved corps for?
have jist thought-tew carry hiz jave-
lin in; thus yu see, the more we diskover
about things the more we are apt to know.
1t liz always good purchase tew pay
out our last surviving dollar for wisdum,
and wisdum is like the MYSTERIOUS hens
egg, it amt laid in yure hand, but liz laid
away under the barn, and yu have got tew
sarch for it.
The hornet iZ an unshoshal kuss, he liz
more naughty than he IL proud, he iz
bug, but his breeding and
refinement has made him like sum other
folk kno ov, dissatisfied with himself and
every boldly else, too much good breeding
ackts this way sometimes.
Hornets are long -lived-I kant state jist
how long their lives are, but l know from
instinkt and Observashun that emmy kritter,
be he bug or be he devil, who IL mad ali
the time and stings every good chance he
kan git, generally Outlives all his nabers. |
: The only good way to git at the exact |
fiteing weight ov the hornet is tew tutch |
him, let him hit you once with his javelin, |
and you will be willing to testify in court |
that sumbody run a one timed pitchfork into |
yer; and az for grit, will state for the in |
Ov thoze who havn't had q |
chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az |
freely az hav, that one single hornet, who |
feels well, will brake upa large camp |
What the hornets do for amusement is |
another question / can't answer, but sum |
ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers
amung the naturalists say they hav target |
and heave their juvelins at
raw, for never knu emmy body, so bitter
t6 dL tuC IuCtS W WdotC u
blow H.H. t-
Thare il one thing that hornet duz
hat will Civ him credit for on mi books
ne alwuz attends tew his own Dizziness,
md wont allow any boldly else tew attend
,ew it, and what he duz il alwuz good
ob, yon never see them altering emmy
hing, if they make emmy mistakes it IL
liter dark, and amt seen.
If the hornets made haff az many blum
lers az the men do, even with their jave-
ins, everybody would laff at them.
Hornets are clear in another way, they
lav found out, bi trieing, that all they kan
,it in this world, and brag on, IL their Wit
les and clothes, and yu, never see one,
tanding at the corner ov street, with a
inch face on, bekause sum
,anker had run oph, and took their money
With him.
In ending oph this essa, will cum tew
stop, by concluding, that if hornets was
little more pensive, and not so darned per-
mptory with their javelins, they might be
,uilty of less wisdum, but more charity.
But yu kant alter bug natur, without
pileing it for ennything else, emmy more
han you kan an elephants egg.-Neo
York Weekly.