The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-04-29
Wit and -Hat21aOr.

Man-hood-A hat.
Woman hood-A bonnet.
A sober thought-The blues.
The bent Of understanding. The instep.
Eve was made for Adams express compa-
ny.
Book Keeping taught in one lesson. Don't
lend them.
Why is leaky barrel like coward? Be
cause it runs.
When is woman past recovery? When
she is speeches.
Young ladies are generally honest, but they
will hook dresses.
Why is an old maid invisible? Because
she isn't APPARENT.
Why is money like whip? Because it
makes the mare go.
Why is flower out Of season like an old
coat? 1t is seedy.
Why is the earth like lamplighter? Be-
cause it has many clim(b)s..
g Look out for paint" said the girl when
her lover went to kiss her.
A Mormon bishop lately got thrashed by a
lot of his enragcd wives.
How should the limbs Of the law be cloth
cd In the breeches of promise.
A cynic thinks the school in which women
study is the academy of design.
Hubert, of the World, says he'd rather be
married month than have a cold week.
A New Zealand chief maintained that he
had good title to his land, because he had
eaten its former owner.
Josh Billings says he will never patronlze
a lottery so long as he can hire anybody else
to rob him at reasonable wages.
It is said that when Russian husband ne
elects to beat his wife for month or two, she
begins to get alarmed at his Indifference.
Fanny Fern having said that "men of the
present day are very FAST" Prentiss replies,
8 that they have to be to catch the women."
The shoemakcrs say that they like short
dresses, because the ladies who wear them buy
very pretty boots" which naturally are
very expensive
An indignant orator at a recent political
meeting, in refuting an opponent, Numbered
{" Mr. Chairman, scorn the allegation, and
defy the alligator"
A Canada editor says he has ga keen ra-
pier to prick all fools and knaves." His
friends, if they are prudent, will take it from
him. He might commit suicide.
The following sentiment is attributed tc
Napoleon Bonaparte: GA handsome woman
pleases the eye, but good woman pleases the
heart. The one is a jewel-the other is a
treasure"
Dudley Randall, who makes Hash " for
the Aurora Beacon and spices it WE'LL is gull
ty of the following: AS Colfax had Nellie
Wade, why didn't he have her uncle weighed
also? Because he's Ben Wade.
A Berkshire preacher recently said &C AT
death all sins and deformities of mankind
will be stript from them and burned with un-
quenchable fire; and seemingly there will be
very little left Of some men,"
A gentleman who was one day arranging
music for lady to whom he was paying his
attention. Pray, Miss. D." said he, 'what
time do you prefer 2" "Oh," she replied
carelessly, "any time will debut the quick.
or the better"
A countryman sends the following to the
Cincinnati Enquirer: CA Radical is a com
pound, unconstitutional noun; black in per
son, African IN gender, desperate in case; and
is governed by negroes under partizan rule
as one ignoramus governs another"
A down-east girl being bantered one day
by some of her female friends in regard to
her lover who had the misfortune to have
but one leg, replied "Pooh, wouldn't
have a man with two cgs-they are too com,
mon !"
The following is a Spanish epitaph upon a
young girl who died broken hearted
s:She who lies beneath this stone,
Died of constancy alone,
Fear not; approach, oh passer-by,
OF naught contagious did she de-
person who was recently called into
court for the purpose Of proving the correct
ness of doctors bill, was asked whether
L" the doctor did not make several visits after
the patient was out of danger ?" "No," re-
piled the witness [ considered the patient in
danger as long as the doctor continued his
visits"
Two French peasants were discussing the
Continental war, when one attempted to ex.
plain to the other the nature of the telegraph
After repeatedly falling, he was struck with a
brilliant notion, and exclaimed "Imagine
that the telegraph is an immense long dog
long that his head is at Vienna and it's tail
Paris Well: tread on its tail, which is at
is, and it will bark at Vienna. Do you
a. a. rstand now, stupid, what the telegraph is
io: 3" Oh, yes p replied the other, I" I
~ idea now what telegraph must be. /"
4 b.. ,dsome female singer who was in high
,.ar Nc" m;, a German prince, was appointed to
WI ~ o mas Of Haydn's compositions. At the
= aosesIs he and the conductor differed as to
's0 .;,,a !, ! which it should be sung. 1t was
tAat the composer should be referred
~ .,s,'o wb4 the conductor waited on him,
/ | w s,'H Mn. if the lady was handsome
:, :, s1ary" as the reply, "and special ia
oEl! ~, WV she is right" said Haydn, with
:e ns look at the poor Disconnected pro-
lEn, ,r who in :al probability, had he gained
lAct .,lo ,,,I IL -,