The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1869-12-24
Josh Billings Papers.
THE DISTRICT sKooLMAsTER.

| Aherc Is One man IN tntS basement
world that always look upon with
mkt pheelings of pity and respekt.
"Pitty and respekt," as a general
mixtur, don't mix well.
You will find them both travelling
around amungst folks, but not often
growing on the same bush.
When they do hug each other they
mean sumthing.
Pity, without respekt, hain't got
much more oats In it than disgust has,
had rather man would hit me on
the side ov the head than tew pity me.
But there IL one man in this world to
whom always take oph mi hat, and
remain uncovered until he gifts safely
by, and that liz the disrikt skoolmaster
When meet him, lock upon him
az martyr just returning from the
stake, or on his way thare to be cooked.
He leads more lonesum and single
life than an old bachelor, and a more
anxious one than an old maid.
He liz remembered jist about as long
and affektionately az glide bord IL by
travelling pack pedlar.
If he undertakes tew make his skol-
lars love him, the chances are he will
neglect their larnin and if he don't lick
them now and then pretty oftun, they
will soon lick him.
The distrikt tskoolmaster hain't got
friend on the flat side of the earth. The
boys snow ball him during recess; the
girls put water in his hair dye; and the
skool committee maik him work for haff
the money bar tender gifts, and board
him around the neighborhood WHARF
they give him coffee, sweetened with
molassis, tew drink, and kodfish balls
3 times day for vittles.
And,with all this abuse l never heard
ov distrikt skoolmaster swaring enny
louder than-Condem it.
Don't talk tew me about the pashunce
ov anshunt Job. Job had pretty plenty
Of biles all over him, no doubt but they
were all of one breed.
Every young one in distrikt skool is
bile of different breed, and each one
needs different kind ov poultiss tew
git good head ON him.
A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz
square job anG takes his Goldfish bawls
reverently, liz better man to day tew
have Icing around loose than Solomon
would be, arrayed in all ov his glory.
Solomon was better at writing prov.
erbs and managing large family than
he would be tew navigate distrikt skool
houses.
Emmy man who has kept distrikt
skool for ten years, and boarded around
the naberhood, ought tew be made
mager gineral, and have penshun fur
the remainder NV his natral days, and
hoss to do his goin round in.
But, as a general consequence dis.
trict skool- master haint got emmy more
warm friends than an old blind fox houn
haz.
He is jist about rs welkum as a tax
gatherer IT,
He IL respekted good deel az a man
IL who we owe debt Nv 80 dollars to,
and don't mean tew pay.
He goes through life on Il back road,
as poor as wood sled, and finally is
missed-but whatever becums NV his
remains kant tell.
Fortunately he is not often sensitive
man, for if he waz he couldn't emmy
more keep distrikt skool than he could
file cross cut saw.
VIII IL 1t that these men and VIM
men, who pashuntly, and with crazed
brain, teach our remorseless brats the
teJus moanin Nv the alphabet, who take
the first welding heat Nv their destinys,
who lay the steppin stones and enkur-
rage them to mount upwards, who hav
dun more hard and mean work than
emmy klass on the futsool, who hav
prayed over the reprobate, strengthen
cd the timid, restrained the outrageous,
and Hattered the imbecile, who hav
lived on kodfish and vile kofiee, and
hain't been heard to sware-Whi IL it
that they are treated likea vagrant fid.
Ter, danced to for night, paid oph in
the morning, and eagerly forgotten
had rather burn coal pit, or keep
the fys out Nv butchers shop in the
month NV August, than meddle with
the distrikt skool Dizziness.