The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-11-11
VOL. 65.-WHoLE No. 5,5l6.
FACETIE.

dence, and that is ignorance.
A cramped waist generally betokens
brains in similar condition.
Why is an over worked horse like an
umbrella? Because it is used up.
Toeing out craft-Kicking blackleg
down stairs.
OF all the dust thrown into mems
eyes, gold dust is the most binding.
Mr.. QuiIp finds that water resembles
equity when its just ice.
Ifa young lady bids you take heart,
does it mean that you can take hers.
What should clergyman preach
about? About a quarter of an hour.
A "smile' that foretelIs sorrow-the
one you take in bar-room.
Shrewd inquiries are being made
whether the cup of sorrow has sau-
Ger.
The surest way TO lose your own
health is to keep drinking other peo-
pies.
''Why is an old cheese like an A
merican dollar? Because it's 'alI Mi
tey'."
What does telegraph operator do
when he receives the heads of import
ant news? Waits for de tails, of course.
Bad economy--buying things because
they are cheap, whether you want
them or not.
A batchelor is traveller on life's
railroad, who has entirely failed to
make proper connection.
A woman was recently arrested in
Chicago for carrying concealed weap-
on. 1t was her tongue.
Why are wheat and potatoes like the
idols of old? Because the former have
ears and hear not, and the latter eyes
but see not.
The complex ion of girl of the peri
cd differs from railway season ticket
the one is, and the other is not trans
ferable.
Aid often comes at the right time
but this is not the case when the point
of somebody's boot assists you in COM
ing down stairs.
"Hans, where do yon live?" GA
cross the river nit der turnpike s
by der school as you 60 up nit your
right hand on de other side"
After SO many years, it has been dis
covered that Queen Victoria has big
feet. But then, a good many would
like to fill her shoes.
Bigby is of opinion that there are
writers whose ideas are so high, that
like the peaks of lofty mountains, they
are continually in the clouds-cloudy.
boy, what are you hollering for
when I go BY"
"What are you going by for when
am hollering."
A lady caught her husband breaking
her hoops. Two hours afterwards, the
unfortunate man was seen at drug
store purchasing hair restorative.
"Swear the ghost!" said a testy old
Judge, when an advocate pleading be-
fore him "opened" to the jury some
revelation from the world of spirits.
Josh Billings defines "a thurrer bred
biziness man" as "wun that knows
enuff about steelin' SO there kant emmy
body steel from him, and enuff about
law So that he can do his steelin' legal
ly.
"This world is all fleeting show"
said a minister to culprit on the gal
lows, "Yes," was the prompt reply,
"but if you have no objection, I'd rath-
er see the show little longer"
A magistrate asked a prisoner if he
were married. "No," replied the man.
"Then," said his worship, amid peals
Of laughter, ''it's a good thing for your
wife,"
"The blessed man that preached for
us last Sunday" said Mrs. Partington,
''served the lord for thirty years-first
as circus rider, then as a locust preach
er, and last as an exhauster.n
A man attempted to spell 'crockery'
the other day, and proceeded thus,
'kraughkearreighe,' but expired in
spasm before he could make v, with
which he intended to end the word.
The daily papers tell of the splendors
of the gambling rooms of New York.
If the gamblers are sumptuously hou..
ed as the reports would have us believe
it is clear that gamblers room is bet
ter than his company.
Men will argue more forcibIy about
the human heart, but woman will
read the heart much better. Women
have most wit, men the most genius.
Women observe; men reason. The
world is book of woman,
A lawyer on asking Dutchman con-
corning a pig, in court.
'What ear marks had hep"
''Vell, ven first became acquainted
nit the hoch, he had no ear marks ex-
cept a berry short tail.'
Kisses admit of a greater variety of
character than perhaps many are aware
of. Eight casial diversities are men
toned in Scripture, viz: The kiss of
Salutation, Valediction, Reconciliation,
Subsection, Appreciation, Alteration,
Treachery and Affection.
Scene in Utah.-First MormOn-"I
wonder who that blonde is? A nice