The Portland daily press., 1869-07-31
Wou.d ke p from slips,
Five things ob erve with care;
o. whoa you speak,
To whom v speak.
a. -. .-1 -. a.A rRAnND

i u O lttiC athCk riCck WIN VIC icJo-
II ynur lrs si0.-.a .
Five things oh erve with care;
o. whoa you speak,
To whom y speak.
And how, and when, and where
Young man, have you sister? Then love
and cherish her with holv friendship. And
If you have none, love sombody elses sister
"A man who marriss q widow Is boupd to
give up chewing and smoking. II she gives np
her weeds for him, he should give up the weed
for her.
"A student at Cornell included In the cash
account which be sent his father, the Item,
Charity $780, The father sentrntiously re-
N rrked in bis reply; Il fear that charity COW
ers multitude Of sins"
"A lady of Chicago keeps list of her male
aceuaintances In pocket-diary, and calls 1t
her him book. It is aot known whether IL
contains any Sans.
The difference between an American ard
81 African wilderness 10 represented 10 be
that in one you are surrounded by black bears,
ami IN the 9th r by bear blacks. ,.-~~
"A shrewd old gentlemen once said to his
daughter: "Be suie, my dear, you never mar
ry poor man; but remember, that the poorest
man in the world is one that has money and
nothing else.'
"A reliable Western paper says: "There are
trees so tall in Missouri that 1t takes two men
aId boy to look to the top of them. One
looks till he gets tired, and another commences
where be left off.
"A quack in Georgia prescribed for a rheu-
matte old woman, that she should bury all her
husbands money under stone in the garden.
She did so, and though the rheumatism didn't
vanish, the money did.
-"How fast they build houses In these days"
said 81. "They began that only last week, ,aod
now they are putting ia the lights" yes"
was the reply; "and next week they viii put
in the liver"
"A s'sollum thought" by Josh Billings;
Hope IL hen that lays more eggs than she
kan katch .out.'' Another: "Menny people
spend their time trying tew find the hole where
sin got into the world. II two men brake
through the ice into mill-pond, they had bet
ter huut for S me good bole tew get out. rather
than to git into long argument about the
hole they cum tew fall into"
The Utica Observer says: "There are 843-
964s7S65l22547s9 s9e564251 1857 74233649I74S65 more
fiss this year than last by actual count"
The Hornellsville Tribune draws the fSl-
lowing dolefal parallei:-" Fairman, Of the FL
mira Advertiser, has got new suit Of clothes,
and every newspaper between sunrise and
sundown has made an item Of it. More than
a year ago VIC got q new suit Of e. T. Young,
and DO one ever mentioned it until day or
two since Mr.. Young himself introduced the
subject by inquiring is it wasnt about time
those clothes were paid for7 Sadly we con-
templated. the difference between Fairnan's
case aud our own, aud reluctantly arrived at
che conclusion that 'sich 10 liier
"A lew days since Waterbury tconn)
lawyer returned to the ticket agent there, one
dollar, over paid him in making change. For
a moment the agent stood spsechiess, then as
the tears poured down bis cheeks, he grasped
him by the hand and exclaimed: 'Plea Q
sand still one moment, sir, and let me look at
you-and lawyer, too?'
The following advertisement appears in
London paper: "a young lady who has re-
ce,ved good education, can read and write,
and is versed in geography, geology, history,
music, dancing, and elementary mathematics,
wishes situation in respectable family as
washer and ironsr."
A man who lately sued alady for breach OF
promise was offered 500 to settle. "Wnatl"
h, cried, 1.-TWO hundred dollars for ruined
hopes, q shattered mind, q blasted life, and
bleeding hearti Two huudred dollars Tor all
thisl Never, neverl Mako It thr-e, and its
bargain" ra
The following epigram should be read on
full stomach: 9 n
mi 49,. err.aa
la W6y men are poor, md so.nsn thinner?
So much do hey tor dilner uress.
Thas n things len for dunes.
"A girl keeper OF q tole gate tn England
was asked by a swell velOcipedst. who thought
to chat her, how much he had 70 pay. "TUat
sir" replied she, depends whether yoH ride
through the gate, or whether you get II your
dandy horse and drag 1t through; because in
that case every two wheeled vehicle drawn BY
horse or an ass pays three-pepce."
"A lady who was about 70 give party to
convention of clsreymen, scot ior caterer 20
assist in the preparations. BE asked il she in-
tended to give dancing party. She replied
that 1t was to bs mainly sompo ed OF Clergy
men. sIn this case, 1adam, said he, Il
would advise you to plovids bouutilaily. THIN
pious Pc ople do eat dresdfuliy."
Colonel Ryan, the nlt9uster, Is In Capa-
da He bossled that be would per,sn 10 his
cause, but be don't perish worth cent.
Rev. Moses Camnil, an eccentric preach
er, wa. holding forth al Santa Clara Valley. A
yonng man rose to go ouL, when the preacher
said, Young man, if you'd rather 90 70 hsli
thanto hear me- Lreach, you may" The sin-
ner stopped and reflected moment, anu then
saying respectfully ''wslI, ! believe l wcuid''
went on. fsR He
"A correspondent suggests that the ine-
bri-,ed per,on who proposed to escort his girl
to see aCrossiDgtoD Washing the Delaware"
sbould do so "Birthington's Washday."
"A French child asked the priest the other
day, "why Is it, Father, that we ask every day
or our daily bread, instead of asking our blead
or q week, mcnth, or the whole yearT' "Why,
you little goose, TO have it fresh, to be sure"
was the reply
The Albany Journal says: 1T Is . sorry
lad that curses his own mother. Marble OF the
World, who halls from Rhode Island, Express
Brooks from Maine, Storey Of the Chicago
Times, and Paul of the Milwaukee News, both
from Vermont. rival each other in abuse OF
New England"