The Portland daily press., 1869-04-23

think life would be different thing to me
had / no nose. When you consider that
there are twenty disagreeable odors 10 one
sweet one, you will be at no loss 10 unuer-
stand my meaning; and yet, after aii' wnem
we come to definitions, your pseoSoHe slioil
might be very noisome one 10 me. 1our
tobacco, Sir, for instance ;or your paUcnouli,
Madam or your musk. Then turnips, or cab
haoe in process OF cooking, may not cause
Won To throw up-the window! Beefsteak
smoke. or mutton chop smoke, or buck-wheat
cake smoke, may render you quite happy in
prospect, while | only sigh ior that tar-off
millennium when cooking shall be inodorous.
Stayl I meant to except coffee, Hail coffee,
rain coffee, if you will. All! would keep a
perpetual pot of coffee steaming ON my kitch-
en- range. Tea smells nice and tastes well,
suppose to its lovers, for whom have little
respect. In truth, when l reflect how my
nose curtails my daily bill OF fare, am lost in
wonder, and my butcher no doubt also mar
vels at its monotony. The whole family of
Figs, for instance, except gentleman once
knew OF that name, are odious to my olfac-
tories
In the millennium / speak OF, no cook Will
& allow bone to be singed on the IRE, or mix
to boil over upon the stove; for let her know
that up three, four, yea, five pair OF STAIRS,
shall Immediately be apprlsed OF the same by
this nv watchful member. Let her not
dream that her cousin, or uncle, or male fol-
lower of any degree, can smoke, or even light
his pipe, in the kitchen, without giving me an
impulse toward the bell-wire. Let no grocer
boy or ice-man fondly hope to retain the ce-
lestial spark, while he briefly deposits his
wares in my kitchen; and If Terence O'Fla-
herty thinks he can shovel coal irto my eel
lar and smoke at the same time, although l
may be knee-deep in "an article at the top
of the house, Terence has reckoned without
his hostess.
know you are sorry for me. am sorry
for myself because it is obvious that forty
times day 1 must suffer nasal crucifxion.
get comfortable seat in church, or concert
room, or lecture-hall. In comes Apollo, and
sits down at my elbow, in that close, unven-
tilated place, and finishes the process of stran
gulation, with dead tobacco smoke in his
clothes and hair. am quite willing some
other lady should admire him.
But there is bright side to this nose ques-
tion. defy you, who don't mind tobacco, or
the odor of cooking cabbage, which is much
the same thing, to revel in rose, or violet.
or lily, or sprig Of heliotrope, or mignonette,
as shall. 1 defy you to 60 into wood after
rain, and detect, as l shall, every delicate
and individual odor; from the scores of little
unseen flowers hiding away under roots of
trees, and in crevices of old gray rocks. There
| have the better; of you,-for that too brief
heaven.
Alas! am very unfortunate. There are
my ears, too. The squeaking of door, the
drumming of idle fingers on a table, or tap
ping of idle feet ON the floor, the scraping of
a knife on bad pencil point, the clipping Of
ones inger-nails with scissors, the contin-
uous biting of an apple in my presence, the
hnmming of the same idle tune, the sharp
winding of clock or watch-I fear you will
cease to respect me when say that l have
meditated murder in "the first degree" for the
perpetrators thereof
II it is any palliation of my crime that
am cold from head to foot when hear sweet
music; or that the trill of a little bird sends
tear to my eyes and prayer to my lips, 1
confess also to this weakness. 1 am quite
willing, too, you should ask, as does Mr.
Smith, fifty times a week, Fanny, do you
think there ever aUGs a woman born into the
world exactly like you?" whatever condemna-
ton that question may imply for me or-the
rest of my sex.-Fdnny Fern.