Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-03-23
Humorous.

Lovely one hundred. r.sg rsFrE
Humorous. ss.
. ~--------- ft-l & "a
The best illustrated paper out-a banknote.
An editor in Michigan has inherited grave
yard. u + ral 81
Latitude, like clothes line, stretches from
pole to pole el. ..'.s
Farmers are like fowls-neither will get full
crops without industry
A very eulogistic obituary of lady, says
'sShe was married twenty four years, and in all
that time never once banged the door.
A Southern editor evidently henpecked)
says that ''if in our schooldays the rule of
three is proverbially trying-how much harder
in after life do we feel the rule of one?''
A Western paper, having announced the
shooting of wild cat by little boy five feet
eight inches long, an exchange queries, what
do they call big boys there?
An exchange truthfulIy says the man who
takes a newspaper for number of years. and
then refuses to pay for it, would steal passage
to Heaven in the secret corner Of a streak OF
lightning, and smuggle gold from the streets of
the New Jerusalem to buy stumps OF half pen
ny cigars.
Oh, say, boys, you had better keep your eyes
peeled. We mean you counting going boys
A young chap 10 New York was nearly killed
recently by absorbing some poison used as a
cosmetic on the crimson cheek of his Mary.
Look out how you kiss girls with rosy red
oheels- Surely gals are "killing creatures
now a-days.
A new made widow went recently to life in
surance office to receive the amount of a policy
on her husbands life, which had providentially
been made payable to her. The president tho t
it only proper to condole with her on her be
reavement. Il am truly sorry, madam, to
hear of your loss" That's always the way
with you men. You are always sorry when a
poor woman gets chance to make little
money! HIa Had3t4ta
A WESTERN SPEECH My competitor has
cold you of his services he rendered his coun-
try In the late war. Let me tell you that [,
too acted an humble part in that memorable
contest. When the tocsin of war summoned
the chivalry of the West to rally to the defence
of the national honor, [. fellow-citizens, ANNA
ted by that patriotic spirit which CLOVIS in every
Americans bosom, hired substitute for that
war, and the bones of that man now lie bleach
ing on the banks Of the Raisinl ~
A Mississippi paper relates that a pompous
old negro lately rode up to the home of eiti-
zen of that place, and asked the favor of
word at the gate, as he couldn't well leave his
steed. rgsY
''Well, what is it?' quoth the man of the
house. 4H ~
'-Mornin' sab come to ak if you owed
anything to Moses W. Dunn, ceased I'm de
moderator OBJ de state now, and wishes to set
tie up all his fairs | can find plenty folks dat
he owes, but it's hard work to find any dat owes
him"
The gentleman didn't owe anything
=
An old lady who was making some jam was
called upon by neighbor "Sam, you rascal,
you will be eating my jam when [ am away, y
she said. Sam protested that he'd die first
but the whites Of his eyes rolled hungrily to-
ward the bubbling crimson. See here, Sam, -
said the old lady, taking up piece of chalk,
'I'll chalk your lips, and then, on my return,
Til know if you have eaten any. So saying,
she passed her forefnger over the thick lip of
the darkey, holding the chalk in the palm of
her hand, and not letting it touch him. When
she came back, she did not need to ask any
questions for Sans lips were chaked a quar-
ter of an inch thick. IH -
No SUCH MEN 'Darnel Webster"
remarked old Col. Gumpey as he trimmed
qud of niggerhead and fastened it securely be-
tween two decayed teeth in the left side of his
mouth, ''Darnel Webster was a great man.
Thar want nothin' mean about him. I've
as his generosity that tuck me. He had kind
er careless way like that kept him from gettin'
rich. He never seemed to think what things
cost. | was a coming up the Hudson river
along with him once, and In the mornin' OAR
mel Webster and me was washin' our faces and
slickin' our bar In the cabin, and he took out
his toothbrush and brushed his teeth. didn't
see no other tooth brush around, so | borrow d
hisn. And after L used it | handed it back to
him, and what do you think? Why, Darnel
Webster just slung that tooth brush right into
the river. And L S pose next day he went and
bought him new one. That's all he cared
about money There amt no sech men as Oar
mel Webster living now, concluded the colonel
medltatlvely, as he spirited stream of tobacco
juice into the fire place at the other end of the
room.
AN ENFERPRIsING EDITOR Out in Cali
1ornla, not many years ago, the associate editor
OF San francisco journal wrote and publish
ed, during the absence at Sacramento of his
unfortunate responsible, an atrocious attack
upon tue charaeter-do domestic, political and
and most intimate friend ''''
Three days after as the innocent ''resnonsi-
ble'-who had not even seen his own paper at
the tlme-was returning to San Francisco and
stepping upon the wharf from the steamer he
was suddenly met by his injured friend. who
tnere and then, without parley drew his re-
voIver and commenced a fusilade, which result
TED In leaving the surprised chief editor with
three tire bullet ,wounds-none of them, happily.
1at tsa different q! parts of his person
Splendid" cried the associate. when the
news was brought to him at the same time that hat
his unhappy master was being carried mast the
office door upon shutter. '.By .Jove T Lna1r |
that article would make sensation Onick"
foreman that article Of mine has got our chief
editor shot, with three bullet holes In him: and
want to get oat an extra at once, giving ali |
the particulars. :"