The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1869-10-15
MisffIIansous.
The Nisfortunes and Consultations
of Peregrine Tweezle.


of Peregrine Tweezle.
My friend Tweczle has, through life,
been the most unfortunate, and yet the
most fortunate, of men. Every species
of calamity has befalen him and yet he
has never once been unhappy. Misfor-
tune and he have ever been at war; she
darting her missiles at him, and he
throwing them back at her, or raising
up bastions, behind which he has en-
sconred himself, and laughed the mali
cious jade to scorn. Lucky has it been
for him that he has been made OF such
"impenetrable stuff" lucky for him
that he has had thick head and tough
hide and that, like the tortoise, which
encased in its hard shell, lets the pom
derous wagon wheel pass over it with.
out tlinching, he also has been able to
let the heavy car of fate drive right
over his back, without having a single
bone broken by the pressure. Some
men when under the lash of misfortune,
suddenly imagine that they ought to be
religious,and take to praying most vehe-
mently while the danger lasts; Others
are again optimists, and when the shoe
pinches them, console themselves by
quoting the hackneyed line of the poet,
"whatever is, is right" while others
poor weak minded creatures fly TO
the hottie for sOlacc, and make beasts of
themselves, because fato has proved I'M
kind. Tweezlc, however condemns all
these methods, and consoles himself in
a manner peculiarly his own. When,
: the many that follow in the train o
misfortune, stares him in the face, my
friend Tweczle sits himself calmly dowr
and looks at him. He quietly takes the
measure of his deformity, and if the
fiend should have by chance any good
parts about him, he treasures them in
his remembrance Then he shuts his
eyes and gives loose rein to his imagina
ton; which, finding itself at liberty Il
: disport, speedily depicts the monster II:
ten thousand times more hideOus than
he really is. At this creation of his fancy
TweeZle shudders, his hair stands on
end-and he thinks himself indeed AZ
unfortunate man, to be in the presenc,
of IL misfortune so great and so menac
ing. This, however, only lasts for
e. moment and Tweezle opens his eye
E again. The monster Is still there. 'Ha
ha y says Twcezle, pretending to b.
. agreeably surprised, sis that you? Lor,
love you, thought you were a grca
deal ugllcr really you are not half 81
bad as you might have been. Your fac'
. is really pleasant and your behavior ac
tually courteous, In comparison will
the one took for you. What luck,
fellow am, that Fate has sent me, II
your person, a misfortune that l cal
, put up with. Ha,my good fellow ther'
is comfort yet in store!" And Tweezl
rhapsodizing in this strain, actually re
joices that little misfortune has com
upon him, ,becauSea greater might, witt
as much justice, have befallen him.
r Tweezle and l were school fellows
N and one trait Of his early character vii
n eXemplify his peculiarphilosophy. Pere
?; grine, being so easy and good natured
i shared the fate ofall easy folks, and wa
10 always put upon, and became in fact
4 tho scapegoat OF the whole school. !
N any riotous urchin had committed
fault, broken window, knocked dow
pie woman, or drawn caficature c
our pedagOgue upon the wall, Pert
grine was pointed out as the Delinquent
Straightway the awful ferul was pu
le into requisition, and Twoezle and il
thongs became more intimately u,
Of quainted than was at all agreeable I
+" the former. Tweczle was at this tim
but seven years old; but his ruling maA
brain, and become tho guide of his cor
duet and his consolation in distress. Ou
p pedagogue Mr.. Thump'emwell-had
n wife, who had II very inOrdinatc MOTTO
ic of her own excellence, both mental an
c0rporeal ,and very supreme contoml
for her husband in both respect
Thump'emwell il rumor spoke trul,
now and then experienced from III
u, atlectionate partner ii few proofs of IL
rg superiority, which she manifested Il
he imprinting upon his face the marks
er er her delicate fingers, and by letting ia
IS upon his eyes the weight of her daint
Is fist. One unlucky morning, some 81
pyy tirical rogue-ill natured as salirists a
'i' ways are-drcw with chalk upon Il
<, wall very tolerable representation
to one of the striking scenes above ALL
70 dcd to. which had on the previous eve
ing agreeably relieved the duh monu
ony of the schoOl-master's life. WhC
Thump'emwell came down in the NOR
II. ing, his eyes rested Immediately up,
cd this sketch of connubial felicity. /
gazed upon it in awful silence; and tn,
III his face grew So red, and the veins
,st his forehead so swOllen--that v
: thought he would have sutfocatc
- Glen ching his hand, and striking
against the desk, upsetting at the san
time AN inkstand all over his nanke,
neither garments, he, with still sms
voice, ordered us all to stand up. ~
80 dread summons was obeyed, aud '
stood In line across the room. ThumI