The Fairfield herald. [volume] (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1849-1876, 1869-11-17
Putting up Stoves, &c.

cold weather once more, about these
days there is al universal putting up
Of stoves preparatory to tho winter
campaign, and undoubtedly great
deal Of profanity is indulgcd in. One
who has considerable experience in
The work of putting up stoves, says
the first step to be taken is to put on
very old and ragged coat, under tho
impression that when be got his mouth
full of plaster it will keep bis shirt
bosom clean. Next he gets his hands
inside the place where the pipe ought
to 60, and blacks his fingers, and then
he carefully makcsa black mark down
one side of bis nose.
1t is impossible to make any head
way in doing this work, until his mark
is made down the side of The hose
Having got his face properly marked
the victim is ready to begin tho cere-
nony. The head Of tho family
is the big goose of the sacrifice
grasps ouo side of the bottom Of tho
stove, and his wife and the hired girl
takes hold Of the other side. In this
way the load is started from the wood
shed toward tho parlor. Going
through tho head OF tho :amily will
carefully swing tho side Of tho stove
a.ouud and jamb his thumb nail
against the door. This part of the
ceremony is never omitted. Having
got the stove comfortably in place, the
next thing is to bnd tho logs. Two
Of these are left inside the stove since
The spring before. Tho other two
must bo hunted aftor for twenty five
minutes. They arc usually found un.
der the coal. Then the head Of the
family holds up one side of tho stove
while his wife puts two of the legs in
place, and next he holds up the other
side while the two are fixed, and one
Of the first two falls out.
by the time the st I'VE is on its legs
he gets reckless, and takes of his old
ooat regardless Of his linen. Then no
goes of for the pipe and gets cinlcr
in his eye 1t don't make any differ
oaco how we'll the pipe was put up
last year, it will be found little too
short or little too long. The head
of the family jams his hat over his
eyes, and taking II pipe under each
arm goes to the tin shop to have it
tixoi. When he he gets back he steps
upon ono Of tho best parlor chairs to
see if the pipe fits, and his wife makes
him got down for fear ho will scratch
the varnish off from tho hairs with the
nails in his boot-heel. In getting
down he will surely step on tho cat,
and may thank his stars if it is not
the baby. Then he gets an old chair
and climbs to the chimney again to
find that in cutting the pipe off the
cnd has been left too big for tho hole
in the chimney. So he goes to the
wood-shod and splits one side of the
end off the pipe with an old axe, and
squoezes it in his hands to make it
hu,aller.
Finally he gets the pipe in shape
and finds that tho stove does not stand
true. Then himself and wife and the
hired girl move the stove to the left
and the legs fall out again. Next it
is is move to the right. More difficult
ty with logs. Moved to tho front
little. Elbow not even with tho
hole in the chimney, and he goes
to tho wood-shed after somo little
blocks. While putting the blocks
under the legs tho pipe comes
out of the chimney. That rcmedied,
tho elbow keeps tipping over to tho
great alarm of his wife. Head of tho
family gets the dinner table out, puts
the old chair on it, gets his wife to
hold the chair, and balances himself
on it to drive some nails into the ceil-
ing. Drops the hammer on to his
wife's head. At last gets the nail
driven, makes wiro swing to hold
tho pipe, hammers II little here, pulls
little there, takes y long breath, and
announces the ceremony completed.
job never put up any stoves. 1t
would have ruined his reputation if
no had. MARK TWAIN.
TIE INCOME TAx.--Tho New York
Tones, of Wednesday, has an odi.
torial article on the evasion CT this
tax, and tho efforts now making to in
sure large revenue to the Govern
lncnt from this source. 1t says:
We are glad to sec that Commits
sioner Delano is determined to correct
abuses Of this description. lie has
resolved that the income returns of
last year shall have a thorough over
hauling. TO this end officers have
been detailed to this special duty,
and are now mt work in all the leading
cities Of the country. Their advent
in this oity is, we understand, creating
quite a sensation among those who
have learned how to live in brown.
stone housas, and keep handsome
equipages, without possessing any in.
come. We trust the Investigation