Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-08-27
Hunor


The ST. Louis Democrat publishes the
proceedings ID The divorce court under her
caption Casual Ties" sass s}as+
The fence Of a graveyard in Richmond,
Ind, bears the inscription, In large white
letters, "Usc IS Bitte1s if you would
keep out Of here" @
A story is told of two Yorkshireman who
travelled together three days in stage-coach
without word ever passing between them.
On the fourth day one Of them at length
yentured to remark that it was fine morn
ing. "And who said it WARMTH" was the
reply.
Gov. Weller, of California, was wrecked
on the Golden Rule, and on arriving at
San Francisco, he remarked to friend -
"Lost everything, sir, everything but my
reputation" "Governor, replied his friend,
"you travel with less baggage than any one
[ ever saw"
A physician walking out with friend Of
his said to him, ''Let us avoid that pretty
little woman you see there on the left She
knows me, and casts on me looks Of indig-
nation. [ attended her husband" "Ah !!
I see; you had the misfortune to despatch
him" "On the contrary" replied the doc
tor, II saved him."
Mr.. G. was most lnvetcrate punster.
Lying very ill Of the cholera, his nurse pro-
posed to prepare young tender chicken
Hadn't you better have an old bep?" said
G., in low whisper, Che was too ill to speak
louder,) "for she would be more apt to lay
on my stomach" G.. fell back exhausted
and the nurse tainted.
That's tarnation tall horse" said Laid
law. eyes; I guess you can't account for
it," said jonathan. 'tNo; how p said
I4aidlaw. o"He belongs to Hummins, the
livery man," replied Jonathan, "and his
tallness comes through his having been regu
larry higher'd (hired) every day for the last
seven years"
A pious old gentleman congratulated an
acquaintance upon bis recovery from recent
sickness,a inquired who bis physician
was. Well, replied the convalescent,
4.Dr. .. brought me through" mo, no"
said his friend, "God brought you out of
your illness. not the doctor" "Well, may
be he did, but am certain the doctor will
charge for it -
"Friend Mallaby, am pleased that thee
mas such fine organ in thy church" But,
said the Clergyman, Il thought you were OPP
posed to having an organ in the church. y
ESQ am" said Obadiah, ''but then if thou
wilt worship the Lord with machinery, l
would like thee to have frstrate instru-
ment.
A story is told Of soldier in the ar
my whose only fault was that Of drunk
eaess. His colonel demonstrated with him:
ttTom you are bold fellow and good
soldier, but you get drunk"
"Colonel," replied Tom, how can you
expect all the virtues Of HUMAN character
combined for sixteen dollars month"
An old lady, recently in some court be-
fore which she was brought as witness,
when asked to take off her bonnet. obstinate
ly refused to do so, saying. 'There is no
law to compel woman to take off he bon
net" ooh" imprudently replied one of
the judges, "you know the law, do you -
perhaps you would like to come up and sit
here. and teach us ?" 'tNo. I thank you,
sir" said the woman tartly. "there are old
women enough there now
Dang me, if 4 don't believe the worlds
wheelbarrew,' said ajolly ipebriate, as he
rolled along the pavement "and am the
wheel revolving on haxis now Pm in the
mud. says he. as he fell hsadlong into the
gutter, land now I'm on dry land" as he
crawled upon the curbstone; bis ccnclud-
ing remark, as his'boots following his head
down an open cellar way, was, 'now the
wheel is broken, and the vehicle is out of
fix"
Jones has been doing homage to pair of
bright eyes, and talking tender things by
moonlight lately A few evenings since
Jones resolved to make his destiny secure"
Accordingly, he fell on his knees before the
fair Dulcenia. and made his passion known.
She refused him out fat Jumping to his
feet he informed her in choice terms that
there were as good fish in the sea as ever
were caught. Judge of the evaporation of
our worthy swain when she coolly replied
Eyes but they don't bite at toads !!' Jones
mas learned lesson.
WORTH TELLING AaAIN-When Nick
Biddle was connected with the United States
Bank, there was an old negro named Harry
who used to be loafng around the premises.
One day in social mood, Biddle said to the
darkey-
well. what is your name, my old
friend ?"
Harry, sir-ole Harry. sir" said the
other, touching his sleepy hat.
"Old Harry !' said Biddle, ''why that is
the name that they gave to the devil, is it
not ?'
eyes sir" said the coiored gentleman
sometimes ole Harry and sometimes ole
Nick"
Rev. Rowland Hill used to ride to and
from church il a carriage. This gave Of
tense toone of his members, who went SO far
as to hand in among the notices one reques-
ting 1.-THE prayers of this congregation for
the pastor. who yielding to pride. is
in the habit of riding in his carriage, not
content like his Divine Master to ride upon
an ass" 1t was not till Mr.. Fl. had read |
the paper, and observed the sensation crea-
ted, that he noticed its report then laying
it down. he said: at is true, brethren,
ride in my carriage, but if the author of this
notice will appear at the door at the conclu-
sion of the services, saddlcd and bridlcd, I |
will do my best to ride him home