The Union and journal. [volume] (Biddeford, Me.) 1858-1882, 1869-08-20
SpSre Ltses.

A corn extractor tnss ~ n''@'
the crow.
At. Kettle is the only singer who never had
o cold.
How 10 prevent grey hairs-Keep your head
shaved.
A rood way to and . woman Out-cail when
she isn't at home.
Young men who would prosper in love should
WOO gently. Il b not fashionable for ladies to
tale ardent spirits.
Scene at long Branch: "The horrid sarf
makes me keep my mouth shut" Sarcastic hus-
band-'sTake some Of Il home with YOU"
Wind up your conduct. Ike your watch. once
ad.y. and examine whether you are east or
s'slow."
While mother was brooding over her power
ty, her little son said. "Msmma. I think God
hears when We scrspe the bottom Of the barrel y
A ticket-of.leavs man recently ran away with
the jailor's daughter. His defence WAS that he
was 80 accustomed to penal servitude that he
could no. live without wife.
The New York Tribune thinks the income re
turns In that city show great concentration Of
wealth. with corresponding diffusion Of dis
honesty.
A gentleman said to rather stout lady :
"Allow me to introduce my wife; she Is not
quite % large Is you are. but guess she's quite
asgood."
A correspondent suggests that the inebriated
person who proposed to escort his girl to see
"Crossington Washing the Delaware" should
do 20 "Brthington's washday."
"d-is 50 very close" Il was observed,
"he will squsbblc about single farthing."
"well." remarked W, al have always thot
that the less one squabbles about the better"
Scene in q Restaurant -Customer-Do you
call that q veal outlet, wsitert Why. it's an
insult to every true calf in the country! Wait
cr-I didn't mean 10 insult you. sir.
Henry Ward Beecher says on the hair dyeing
question: "If uan win be happier for IL, let
him do IT, II his wife win love him better. or
II she win be made happier. In the name flove
let him dye"
A man called another an extortioner for suing
him. "why my friend" replied the man who
brought the suit. al did Il TO oblige you" ''TO
oblgc me, indccd-how SOL" "why, to Oblige
you to pay me-"
On certain occasion Of IN eclipse In Vir-
GINA, colorcd individual became greatly elated.
"Bress de Lord I" said he, 'de niggcr's time
hab come at last, and now ives gwine to hab q
brack sun"
A Louisville mstron, whose husband snorcs
badly. keeps clothes pin underneath her pill
low, and when his snoring awakes her she ad-
justs the pin on his nasal organ, and then slum-
bers peacefully.
A letter from Indiana clothes disagreeable
fact in euphemistic,l language when Il says the
connubal coalitions in the vicinity the past year
have been mostly secondhand and that they
lack the desirable quality Of adhesiveness.
French child asked the priest the other day,
"why Is IL. Father, that We ask every day for
our daily bread. instead Of asking our bread for
week, month, or the whole ycari' "why.
you little goose, to have ii fresh, to be sure"
was the reply.
Josh Billings has written an amusing essay
upon ''roosters," In which he remarks that they
"are the husbands Of many wives. In Utah II
Is considered . disgrsce tew speak disrespcctfdl
o: rooster. Brigham Young's ooat-ofarms Is
q rooster"
An old lady who recently visited Oneida, was
asked on her return II the canal passed through
that village. She paused awhile, and answered
Ell gue-. nOt-I didn't see IL; and II II did, ii
must have gone through in the night. when
was asleep"
An effort !. being made in one Of the church.
es in Cherokee county, Ca. to exclude from
the church all female members who wear hoops,
paniers. Grecian bends. small hats, or use COS
metics. paints. or other appliances to make an
external show "for mans illusion given.
On recent trip Of one Of the Illinois River |
packets. light-draught one, rs there were only
two feet Of water in the chsnnel-the passengers
were startled by the cry Of "Man overheard y
The steamer was stopped. and preparations made
to save him, when he was heard to eIclaim "Go
ahead with your darncd old steamboat! III
walk behind yOu' 20
DR.. Sawbones, having finished the amputs-
ton Of leg Of one his patients, near relative
Of the latter took him aside and said to him
"Doctor, do you think that your patient win re
coverr' "Recover! there has never been the
least shadow Of hope for him." "rhen what
was the use Of making him suffer-" "why,
my dear fellow. you could not brutality say to 4
sick man. you are dying lie must be anus
ed"
While Thad. Stevens was young lawyer, he
once had a case before bsd-tempercd Judge Of
an obscure Pennsylvania court Under what
he considered very erroneous ruling. II was de-
cided against him whereupon he threw down
his books and picked up his hat in high state
Of indignation, and was about to leave the court
room. The Judge strsighteneishimself to his
full height. assumed an air Of offended majesty.
and askcd Thai. II he meant "to express his
contempt for this eourtl" Thsd. turned to
him very dcierentially, made respectful bow.
and replied in feigncd ama,ement "Erprea
my contempt for this court No. sir Tam
trying to conceal Il, your Honor"
g.rs.LuS R>udsmr.