The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-01-30


iudicious course of action that the United
States is noteventually swept from the map OF
the world. The Modern Playgoer will also
learn that the crew of man-oF war is composed
OF hardy tars In blue satin trousers, email
waists, and diamond earrings. who dance horn.
pipes with two flags apiece; also that an action
at sea is often conducted from one OF the lower
decks.
But 1t is when the Modern Paygoer is called
upon to assist at the proceedings of a criminal
court that the most unreasonable demands are
made upon his simple faith in managers aud
their subordInates. 1t is then that he is required
to believe that the assertions of the counsel Tor
the Commonwealth, in a murder case, not un.
frequently form the principal evidence against
the prisoner; that the evidence for the prosecu.
ton is invariably overthrown by the suggestions
made by the counsel for the defense; that the
evidence of the accused ones husband Tor wife,
as the case may be) is conclusive evidence of
The prisoners innocence; that all comic
witnesses begin by getting into the jury-box
by mistake, and that all deafand-dumb witnesses
are allowed to give their evidence from the
floor of the court, which is cleared Of obstruc-
tions that they may have plenty of sea room.
He is required to believe that all leading counsel
are about eighteen or twenty years of age, and
that they all wear what the late Mr.. Albert
Smith happily described as ian eyebrow on the
upper lips" that judge is to allow himself to
disbelieve evidence of the most conclusive
description on the ground that no pri.
soner with slCh an eye as that possessed
by the particular prisoner whose
case is under consideration could possibly be
guilty of the charges brought against hlm. He
must not be surprised to discover that the pri-
A,,,.,, l. - Al
connection by marriage of the foreman OF the
jury, and an early friend of the counsel for the
defense. He will learn that the cheers which
sometimes herald the acquittal of q popular
malefaCtor are generally led by the learned
judge upon the bench, and that the whole thing
winds up with chorus in which every member
of the court has voice. He will also learn that
civil actions of all descriptions, particularly
actions of ejeCtment and probate causes, are
tried at sessions of Oyer and TermiDer, and that
the defendant In such actions is always placed
in the dock handcufIed and guarded by two
soldiers with fixed bayonets. He will further be
required 10 believe that the title-deeds to estates
OF incalculable value and long inheritance are
comprised in a sheet of letter paper, and that
the owner (rightful or otherWlse) for the time
being always carries them in his pocket book;
also that the omission of O stamp from deed
OF settlement eiectually bars any action that
may be brought upon it, Arrest for debt before
judgment is still in vogue, and the last ute
RANGES of dying criminal are quite sufficient
TO vest an estate in aDysody whom it may occur
to him TO mention.
If the unfortunate spectator is called upon to
assist at wedding in high life, he must be pre-
pared to find that the bride and bridegroom,
with their respective contlngents, go to the
ladies invited wear evening dress, and that if
any family difficulty occurs to interrupt the
proceedings, there Is no filter arena for its ad-
justment than the church steps, They will also
find that the sexton attached to the sacred
edidCei is grotesque parsonage in a comic livery,
selected, no doubt, by irreverent church.war-
dens as pleasant satire on ritualistic extrava-
gance
piece that involves war or an Indian
outbreak is terrible tax on the Modern Play
goer's complaisance. He will find that the most
fearful rupures owe their origin to utterly
insignificant causes; such as the determination
of a lieutenant to marry the daughter of
an Indian chief at any sacrifice, or the
| determin alton of the chaplain to convert
| (broadly to Christianity as a first step, aud
| then to ProtestaDism as a matter Of detaiD
the lovely daughter Of an eXcitable savage.
| These are a few of the demands which
managers and authors are encouraged to make
| upon the good nature OF this smiling martyr
| The Modern PlaygOer.
|