The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1869-08-27
humorous Gpliimn.

rel of black pepper. Old Captain -
came in, and, seeing the pepper, took
up handful of it.
"What did you buy such stuff as that
for" said ho TO the store keeper, Its
half peas"
.'Peas !" replied the storekeeper, "no
there isn't pea in it,"
Taking up handful AS he spoke, he
appealed to the company. They all
looked at it, and plunged their hands
into the barrel, and bit kernel or so,
and gave it as their universal opinion
that there wasn't pea In IL.
81 tell you there is" said the old cap
tain scooping up a handful, "and I'll
bet dollar on it,"
The old argument all over the world.
They took him up.
"Well," said he, "spcll that" point
ing TO the word "P-o-p-p.c.r," painted
ON tho side of the barrel. "If IL isn't
half p's then Pm no judge, that's ALL"
The bet was paid.
SHREwD.-A gentleman was chatting
with little girl on a railway train,
when she suddenly looked up in his
and said
"YOu look like Abraham Lincoln"
"Do ?" said the gentleman, show
do you know Pm not?"
Hes Dead" said tho child, with an
astonished look at the questioner; "they
killed him."
"Well," said the gentleman, "but
didn't Abraham Lincoln have broth
er?"
The child looked puzzled for min
ute, and then quietly remarked
My father saw Abraham Lincoln"
"Did he ?" said the gentleman.
Eyes; after he was dead he saw him.
Did you ever see him ?"
mo-" said the gentleman, 81 never
saw him."
"Then," said the child, triumphantly,
"of course you amt his brother"
Two Irishmen stopped at the Island
House, Toledo, lit their gas, and, with
window open, sat down to enjoy chat.
The hungriest of Toledo mosquitoes
soon flOcked in and drove them desper-
ate. The clerk, who was summoned to
devise some defense against them, told
them to close the windows and put out
the gas. They acted on the suggestion
and placed themselves between the
sheets. Just as they began to doze, a
lightning-bug, which had strayed into
the room, caught the eye of one of the
travellers. He reused his companion
with a punch, "Jamie, Jamie, it's no
use! Here's one of the craturs sarchin
for us wild q lantern -
A MOUNTED officer was riding by a
| field in which there were some apple
trees laden with early fruit, and some
struggling persimmon-trees covered
with green persimmons. He saw some
soldiers attempting to hide, and at once
suspected that they were robbing the
orchard. So he halted, and the follow
ing colloquy took place: "HalloO. what
are you doing there?" said the officer.
We come to git some simmons" cap
pies, l suspect. Why, the nersimmons
are green enough to puckeE up you
mouths" "That's jist what we want
with 'em. We want to mako our
mouths little to suit our rations! ~
THERE was duel i'm COhOes, N. ",
the other day. The seconds kindly
drew the balls before the fire, which
was manfully delivered. But, at the
tan nf nf ttrina nf hn IL,
threw small pebble against the breast
of his principals opponent, who sup
posing he was fatally wounded, tainted
and fell. The other, seeing the effect of
his shot dropped his weapon and fled
to tho woods, and has not since been
seen. Tho man who fell recovered soon
afterwards, and upon inquiry was told
that his antagonist had been killed by
his shot, and his mortal remains were
then rcposing beneath the clOds. This
in turn alarmed the last survivor"
aud he also fled to parts unknown.
WASHINGTON IRVING and Lewis
Gaylord Clark, while walking near
Sleepy Hollow, We're overtaken by
storm; there were great laundering
and lightning, and Mr. Irving took
refuge under tree, asking his compan-
ion: "Why don't you come In here and
he as comfortably housed as am?" ~
darcn't do il, my dear sir" replied Mr..
Clark. 81 am afraid of lightning. My
father was once nearly killed by it
| while standing under tree in a thun-
der storm, and he always enjoined 1t
upon his twin boys never to do the
like" "Oh." said Mr.. Irving, "that
alters the case. If lightning runs in
your family, commend your caution."
| DANIEL WEBsTER's FRIGHT.-No
situation more perfectly paves the way
for a hearty laugh at the end, than that
and in mutual terror of each other.
Nothing can be more comically uncom-
Portable than couple of honest men
eyeing each other askance an hour or
two, when all the time zone is afraid
and the other daresn't."
Upon one occasion Mr.. Webster was
on his way to attend to his duties at
Washington. He was compelled to
proceed at night by stage from Balti-
more. He had no travelling compan.
ions, and the driver had sort of felon-
lord which produced no inconsiderable
alarm with the Senator.
~ endeavored to tranquilize myself VI
said Mr.. Webster, "and had partially
succeeded, when we reached the woods
between Bladensburg and Washin gton
Ia proper scene for murder or outrage)
, aud here l confess, my courage agaiu
deserted me-"
"Just then the driver, turning to me
, with gruff voice asked my name.
gave 1t to him.
} uWhera are Won going ?n said he,