Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-11-02
-Lat7ach for Hax77aO7'istS.

Cup W CdAcu d oduCCI-S'So
Some ladies', instead of ha wing simplicity IL
their dress, display it 10 their remarks
A far west editor Las lived upon bear mea
until he has grown wild When last heart
from he had taken to the woods.
The workmen of the Winsted lCt.) Hoe Com
pany are on strike, singing, mot tt'rge hoe
Not forge hoe oh no, no !'--at pres eh' pii
ces.
A Connecticut traveller recen. tly took tea VIII
a Mormon elder, at whose table s'X wives Pc =
sided, and twenty-seven children c. 'amered t.
more molasses on their bread. Il.
A man, whose wiiirao hung herself in Ms lres
ence, on being asked why he did not p. reVen'
The tragedy, replied, Il cut her down >hree
times last week, and can't be always cut ing
her down."
'gIchn," said pious uncle to his nephew
who was nay;ng his first visit to the city, John
we'er in the habit e. saying something before
we eat" "All right sai1a john $50 ahead
You can't turn my stomach i
"You have not one drop of the great Napo-
Icons blood in your veins, said the cholerlc
Uncle Jerome one day to the present emperor.
"Well,'' replied his nephew, Il have his whole
A man in Connecticut having advertised his
wife for leaving his bed and board" the fu-
gacious spouse retorted as follows: 81 went
away from the lazy fellow to earn my board,
and the bed belongs to my own mother.
ssAlas p said a moralizing bachelor within
earshot of witty young lady of the company,
"this world is at best but gloomy prison =
sYes," sighed the merciless mink, especially
to the poor creatures doomed to solitary COO
fnement J!
At one of the army hospitals there was an
enterprising surgeon who had the reputation of
loving the knife and saw be loved to hew and
hack the poor patients brought to the hospital,
to show off his skill. After one of his last OPP
erations CD wounded soldier, the surgeon
attendant stood looking at the pieces of NOR
tally lying on the surgeon table, what are
you doing, sir p sharply asked the surgeon. =
II was waiting for you to point out which part
is to go to BED and which is to be buried %
A mother was undressing little four-year-old
Charley the other evening. He silently felt of
his chubby arms little while, and then, look
ing up into his mothers face, he said:
Mamma, who made me =
''The good man up in the sky" answered
mamma.
Charley turned steady, sober, searching
look through the tree-tops up into the clear,
instantly capped the climax with the imp rtant
question:
But, mamma, who took me DOWN.
A good story is told of late well known n.
I. politician and railroad manager:
During his absence from home his wife tele-
graphed of her confnement-no particulars be-
ing given-and Immediately fastened home.
Knowing when he might be expected, the
age, and placed it in the crib with the twins
Immediately on reaching home, our friend has
tened to his wife S chamber, and after his con-
gratulations to her. asked to be shown the ba-
by. The nurse, who had frequently served at
similar occasions In his family, raised the COW
ering. and exhibited to him the Thirds" He
opened his eyes with surprise, and thoroughly
taken aback with the view, turned to his wife
and exclaimed:
Good Lord, mother! did any of them get
away?
Cant You LET HIM STARE Not hun
dred miles from Chicago in the rural burg
OF Dundee lives an ancient widow lady who
has lout OF son, about twenty-four years old
who like the man S son. lis darned smart boy
but don't know anything" Not long since
the old lady was taken sick and lay at the point
of death. Feeling her end approaching she
called her son to her bedside to give him her
parting counsel. Abe stood with open mouth,
apparently swallowing every word, the old la
dy's words seeming to have good effect upon
him.
"Abram, said she, "here [ lie with death
staring me 10 the face"
At ttnis moment a knowing expression passed
over Abe's features and he broke out, Can t
you let him stare?''
The old dame thought it 40 use, and speedi-
ly recovered.
''Halleo. there. CaptingF' said brother
Jonathan to a captain of canal packet boat
on the Erie Canal, what do you charge for a
passageY"
Three cents per mile and boarded" said
the captain.
"Wall, [ guess Til take passage, capting
seeing as how I'm kinder gin eout walking 50
far"
Accordingly he got on board just as the stew
ard was ringing the bell for dinner. Jonathan
drew up to the table, sat down. and began de-
mollshing the fxings, to the utter consterna-
ton Of the captain, until he had cleaned tho
table OF all that was eatable, when he got up
and went on deck, picking his teeth very com
fortaby.
'How far is it, capting, from here to where
got on board p
Nearly one and half miles, said the cap-
tain.
Lets see, said Jonathan, ''that would be
just four and a half cents; but never mind,
capting, l won't be small; here's FIVE cents to
pay my fare to here, I guess I'll 90 ashore
now; I'm kinder rested eout''
A GHOST STORY. Talking about ghosts
says Henry Higgins, the other night at a gro
Gerry. II had ghost once that came to me and
took all my tobacco pure pig tail, two shings
pound, and no mistake Well-hem-this
here ghost Now. you see my father was
great fellow after pi g-tail tobacco, when he was
alive-and SO one night [ heard a noise. and
says L, who S there :" Then low, hollow
voice said, Il am thy tathers spirit, doomed
now want?'' Then says he, Il want some of Of
your pig tail tobacco" "Wel, here's all u !
got ''And then I axed him what he had
done with hisseIf up thar, because he didn't tell
as many lies as Tom Pepper and he used to-
And he answered Il played On Jews harp. a
sittin' on a rainbow" And then said. Have
you got your instrument here !? yes, he said
He gave me pretty tune-one of David
psalms, | guess-and then he said he felt very
sleepy, and bid me good night. Things vent
on this way Tor some time. and at last [ had
occasion to go to neighbors to buy some to-
bacco, because was out of it-and what do
you think ? The tarnal critter offered some to-
bacco to me which had my mark on it, II mt
a mark on it, SO when went to heaven. if dsd
hadn eat it all up, could see it, and ,,rove
that | was his son. if he didn't believe i'll. I
was bigger than him, and | made him tell mo
where he got them plugs from. He said be |
got them from me. and said he had sold some