Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-03-19
HunlOr.

Capital punlSnnlellG-ieu GAouSduu J c"l
and nothing to do
An early Spring-Jumping out of bed a
5 o'clock in the morning
A man in Norwich dropped a live Goa
into a bomb-shell ''to hear it fz." liz
heard it.
Why are full grown cats like unskillec
surgeons? Because they mew-till-late ano
kill the patience.
lizard times, and we must make the
most of what we have" as the grocer said
when he watered his vinegar.
"What church do you attend, Mrs. Par
tington?" "Oh ! any paradox church where
the gospel is dispensed with p'
d tombstone in Maine erected to the
memory of a wife, bears the inscription -
clears cannot restore her; therefore
weep"
When fish is wounded, the other fishes
fall upon and devour him; which prove,
that there is good deal Of ''human natur"
in the fnny tribe.
Punch says that women who make up
their faces deceive themselves, if they think
by so doing they are more likely to tempt
men to make up their minds.
"How we'll he plays for one SO young p
said Mrs. Darlington, as the organ boy per-
formed with monkey near the door ''and
how much his little brother looks like him,
to be sure"
"Did you know" said cunning Gen
tile to Jew, ''that they hung Jews and
Jackasses together in Portland ? Indeed "
replied Solomon, ''then it is well that you
and I are not'there."
An Englishman relates that he recently
dined in Nevada with an editor of that COM
monwealth, who inquired after the health of
Tennyson and Thomas T. Carlyle" re-
marking, "Them men ken sling ink, they
ken"
A gentleman travelling on steamer one
day at dinner was making way with large
pudding close by, when he was told by a
servant that it was desert. cit matters not
with me" said he, Il would eat it if it were
wilderness"
A man in New Hampshire has adopted an
original method of economy. One morning
recently when he knew his wife would see
him, be kissed the servant girl The house.
hold expenses were instantly reduced 5000
per year.
II sells peppermints on Sunday" remark
ed a good old lady, who kept a candy-shop,
"because they carries 'em to church and
eats 'em, and keeps awake to hear the SER
mon; but if you wants comfts you must
come week days. They're secular commod-
tiles"
A bashful youth was lamenting to his pa
ternal progenitor the ordeal OF popping the
question. APooh!" said the patriarch, chow
do you suppose managed % you'd bet
ter talk, " responded the hopeful ssyou mar
ried mother, and I've got to marry strar ge
galv'
A Gentleman who owns a country seat
nearly lost his wife, who fell into a river
which flowed through his estate. He an
nounced the narrow escape to his friends,
expecting their congratulations. One Of
them, an old bachelor, wrote: II alussys
told you thu. river was too shallow
''Mary," said lady to, heryservant, twas
there any fire in the kitchen last night when
you were sitting up?'"
Eyes, ma am, there was spark when I
went down, and very soon famed it into
a flame"
The mistress looked susp; ciously at Mary,
but the innocent girl went on scrubbing,
and humming, 'Katy darlint"
A Perfect CURE.-A young minister,
whose reputation for veracity was not very
good once ventured to differ with an old
doctor of divinity as to the efficacy of the
use Of the rod.
"Why," said he, "the only time my faith
er ever whipped me, it was for telling the
truth"
"Well," retorted the doctor, sit cured
you Of it, didn't it ?"
A lady at Boston, who was about to give
a party to the members of the Protestant
Episcopal Convention, sent for Mr.. s.,
caterer, to assist in the preparations He
asked if she intended to give dancing par
ty. She replied that it was to be mainly
composed of clergymen. "In that case,
madam" said he. Il would advise you to
provide bountifully. Them pious people
eats dreadful HA
BETTER THAN Dozen. inflow many
children have you ?" asked a gentleman Of
one of his laborers, looking around in sur
prise upon the family.
''Better than dozen, sir"
II only make out eleven" said the gen.
tleman.
Faith, an isn't that better than a dozen,
sir, when one has to feed 'em % exclaimed
the happy father.
A few evenings since an Irishman was
riding in one of our city passenger cars,
when the conductor called for his ticket,
but the passenger was unable to find it.
''What shall do p says Pat.
''Pay me seven cents" says the conduc-
tor.
"Murther an GUNS, but didn't give but
six for the ticket!'
Cant help that replied the conductor,
"our fare is seven cents, or ticket, which
sum Pat unwillingly passed over.
Soon after he called the conductor, with
10Y beaming on his countenance, and said
"Pve found the divil now give me back
nv clint and take the ticket"
This was done, much to the amusement
of the passengers, poor Pat not thinking he
was paying double fare,