Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-09-03
ITunlOr.


comfortable cofins" are advertised in
Boston. sA
Galloping Consumption eating at rail-
road station.
A dead reckoning Calculating ones fu-
neral expenses. ssf5 u
A motto for fraudulent bankrupts
best way to succeed is to fail.
Stockings are now darned by machinery
and they are darned nice.
Many who think themselves the pillars OF
the church are only its seepers 49,
A New England spinster says she doesn't
care any thing about female suffrage unless
it carries with it the right to make proposals
of marriage. ziso fE@
western editor, in response to sub
scriber who grumbled that his morning pa
Der was intolerably damp says, "that Is BE-
cause there is 50 much DUE on it. =
An old lady was. asked what she thought
of the eclipse. shs replied: "Well, it
proved one thing, and that is thatthe papers
don't always tell lies."A s4lA4 y '+1A.e
At printers dinner, the other day, the
following toast was given Z" Women-she
is always in favor of well conducted
press" -. -
Success in life is very apt to make us for
get the time when we wasn't much. 1t IS
lust so with a frog on jump; be can't re-
member when he was tadpole, but other
folks can.
A foppish fellow advised friend not to
marry poor girl, as he would lind matrl,
mony with poverty, up hill work Good,
said his friend, II would rather go up hill
than down, any time" .e ri 8. 3ost r'.s
A couple Of fellows who were pretty thor
oughly soaked with bad whiskey, got into
the gutter. After foundering about for
some time, one of them said Jim, let's 60
to another house, this hotel leaks
The latest undergraduate joke at Yale
College was the transfer, by midnight, of
florists sign-"New Haven Nurssry-to
conspicuous position on a fourishing young
ladies' seminary. t;ae4 2s9b ..e'iil'4s
..How fast they build houses now!" said
Ell. .'They began that building last week,
and now they are putting in the lights. -
eyes" answered his friend, ''and the next
week they will put in the liver. u
"What shall to keep warm ?" asked a
shivering, slightly dressed lady. - II dontt
know" said solemn Quaker, "unless thee
puts on another breastpin." ' --'
s.The blessed man that preached for US
last Sunday" said Mrs. Partington, ''served
the Lord for thirty years-6rst as a circus
rider, then as locust preacher, and last as
an exhauster." 5,.'''-. ~. -. :. y-af-r.
II cannot imagine" said an alderman,
"why my whiskers should turn gray SO much
sooner than the hair of my head" i"Be-
cause" observed a wag, you have W. rked
so much harder with your jaws than your
brain Ia .s4l.l
A Western paper announces the illness Of
of its editor, piously adding: 'All good
paving subscribers are requested to mention
him in their prayers. The others need not,
as the prayers Of the wicked avail nothing,
according to good authority
bridget, what have you done with the
cream Those children cannot eat skim-milk
for breakfast" z,-4.
.sSure marin, and it isn't myself that
would be afther givin' the scum to yez |
tukthat of and gave it to the cats. F" y ..,.5.,.
A GRATEFUL FAMILY An epitaph in a
rural churchyard reads thus 5gsT -i.ss.ss1.
Here lies Bernard Lightfoot, who was
ccilcntally killed in the forty-ffth year Of
is age. This monument was erected by his
rateful family" u '''' - 80 ~ J..
A lady having bought sausages Of a cou-
rle of boys, overheard them disputing about
the money. s,'y5,9 4.s.,,7,Y
"Give me half, says on,.
..No I wont" says the other. ]se
'sNow, that amt fair, you know faint
10, for half the pup was mine. "Ia III sa Il
The landlord of hotel said to a boarder
Look e. here, I want you to pay your bill,
and you must I have asked you often
enough for it, and tell you now that you
don't leave the house until you have paid
It," "Goodr' said the ledger, ''Tll stay
with you as long as live II i 81 str@es
The Rev. DR.. Chaplin, Of New York, tells
a story about and old wag who thought he
was dying. but who was assured by his
nurse that he would not die as long as his
feet were warm-such thing was never
heard Of. ..'But have heard Of a man who
died with very warm feet :" .'Who was he 2"
inquired the nurse. John Rogers" repli-
ed the incorrigibie wag. io efh 'ls.
"The following epitaph was written up
on man who was possessed OF large underss
standings: 4 e;tjq eds 20 T. Dig
tsHere lies man of good repute, ~
Who wore No. 16 boot;'
Ills not recorded how he died, 80,
But sure it is that opened wide
The gates Of heaven must have been
To let such monstrous feet Within
A DnEMMA.-A gentleman asked cler-
gynan the use Of his pulpit for young d.
vine, relation Of his. 7T-a8 ali
'sI really do not know" said the clergy
man, .'how to refuse you but if the young
man can preach better than can, my con-
gregation would be dissatisfied with me af-
forwards and if he should preach worse, I
don't think he's fit to preach at all.
A son Of Bacchus who had drank deeply
of his favorite rotations, once missed his
footing at the top of the hotel stairs, and af-s
ter several gyrations, arrived head first, at
the landing. A good Samaritan ran to
pick him up, but was rewarded for his COM
passion after this wise: ''Now, you jes lem
me lone, will you: alters come down stairs
that way"
s'come, William. give us something"
said the parson. II LIS o 4.t1,jflt.A
"Can't do it," replied Bill