Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-07-16
FElIlll02'.

battle held-legS +l
Why are great many bills in Congress
like Holsters? Because when read they lie
on the table.
He that is good will be better. and he
that is bad, worse for virtue, vice and time
never stop. sfa q 500
A negro, gazing at the Chinese, said 'lf
de white folks is dark as dat out derc, |
wonder what's de color oh de niggerS.
What is the difference between charity
and tailor The first covers multitude
of sins the second, multitude Of sinners
A wag, on being told it was the fashion
to dine later and later every day, said, he
supposed it would end at last in not dining
till tomorrow. ss.
A member Of a temperance society excused
his frequent drinks by saying that the doc
tor told him to take liquor as a medicine and
he never told him to stop
A gentleman road up to public-house in
the country and asked, "Who is the master
of this house ?" II am sir" replied the
landlord; ''my wife has been dead about
three weeks"
mike, an is it yourself that will be after
tellin me how they make ice creams?" In
truth l can; don't they bakethem in cowld
ovens, to be sure?"
A home missionary was asked the cause
of bis poverty Principally, F" said he,
with twinkle of the eye, ''because have
preached SO much Uithout notes.
A joker just arrived in California writes
back: ssThe distance from Cleveland to
San Francisco by the Pacific railroad is equal
o21l games Of eucre, 173 drinks, and III
cigars.
"Come Bob, how much have you cleared
by your speculations ?" said friend to his
companion "Cleared answered Bob,
with frown, "why have cleared my peck
cts
The last case of Incidence is that of a man
named John Hole, who was so lazy that, In
writing his own name. he simply uses the
letter y and then punched hole through
the paper.
"Prisoner, you have heard the complaint
of habitual drunkenness; what have you to
saw in your defence?' Nothing, please
your honor, but habitual thirst"
Josh Billings defines ''thurrerbred bizi-
ness man" as ''wun that knows enuff about
stealin' so there kant anybody steel from him
and enough about the law so that he kin do
his stealin' legally
A gentleman travelling on steamer one
day at dinner was making way with large
pudding close by, when he was told by the
servant that it was dessert. at matters
not to me-" said he, II would eat it if it
was a wilderness"
A shopkeeper had, for his virtue, obtain
cd the name of the 'Little Rascal" A
stranger asked him why this appellation had
been given him ''To distinguish me from
the rest of my trades said he, /" 'who are
all great rascals." 9
In speaking of clerical friend who posses
ses very rubicnnd countenance, some one
said, the othes day. u don't think he drinks
in fact, know he does not, for he told
me so but he probably sleeps in bed with
very red curtains.
At IA late military dinner, one of the visi-
tors prosposed toast-..'M May the man who
has lost one eye in the service Of his country,
never see distress with the other" but the per-
son whose dutyit was to give the toast, by
emitting the word "distress," completely
changed the sentiment.
Why arc women like churches First, be-
cause there is no living without one !; second
ly, because there is many spires to them;
thirdly because they are objects OF adora-
ton; and, lastly, but by no means leastly,
because they have a loud clapper in the up
per story. sL
In order to amuse the children on sab
bath, lady was engaged to read from the
Bible the story of David and Goliah, and
coming to the passage in which Goliah so
boastin gig and defantly dared the young
srowsers said ''Sister, skip that, skip that,
he's blowing | want to know who licked r.
An old lady on a steamboat observed two
men pumping up water to wash the deck,
and the captain being near, she accosted
Aim as follows: well, captain, got we'll
aboard. Ell 2" 'Yes, a'am, always carry
one," said the polite captain. well, that's
clever. always dislike this nasty river wa
ter, especially in dog days" a
Tommy. my SOP, fetch in stick of
wood" 'Ah. my dear mother" respond
ed the youth, '.the grammatical portion of
your education has been sadly neglected.
You should have said Thomas, my son,
transport from that recumbent collection of
combustble material upon the threshold of
this edi6ce one of the curtailed excrescences
of defunct log"
1T was in Johannesburg, New York, that
an old scissors grinder, calling on d minis
ter. made the usual query 'Any scissors to
grind ?" Receiving a negative answer, it
was the ministers turn, which he took by
asking: "Are you man Of God p
II don't understand you"
''Are you prepared to die 2" II
The question struck home. Gathering
zap his kit and scramblng for the door, he
exclaimed, terror stricken: 80 Lord 0
Lord you amt going to kill me, are your
Here is the wall of Jim's 'slost love-
met her by the seller dore--- 81. s4..,
The look she Civ was cold and st4rn;
Her eyes looked pitchfork into mine
And mine looked pson into hern.
For we had loved in dase gone by;
Her daddy said that might take her;
But, alas for my dreme of welded Bills,
She got up and got with Dutch shoemaker
No more girls for me if | knows it
No more frauds my luv to him;
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