The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1869-10-02
VARIOUS ITEMS.

Albany, Indiana. was recently urged
TO take charge of class in Sunday
school. He said, I" No, indeed, sir; /
will not teach a class" "Why not"
asked the superintendent. "For an ex-
cellent reason" he answered az once
had q class Of three boys in Sunday
school. After teaching them awhile one
OF them was sent to Jail, and another
arraigned for crime in the Police court.
To save the other from similar fate |
gave up the class, and / will never teach
another, for Sunday school is evidently
not my forte"
One who attended German turnfest,
and was beguiled into dance, thinks
the Germans enjoy turning altogether too
well. "For three quarters of an hour did
that girl keep me waltzing, and l only
escaped when I found she had gone to
sleep. and was still dancing away with all
the vigor of her soles. l disengaged
myself gracefully from her embrace, and
softly whispering, farewell, and gentle
be they Dreams I left her to her dance,
and think she is still waltzing."
Two children searching among the
hay for eggs, were disappointed at find
ing the nest empty. Determined not to
return without some trophies, the little
girl seized the nest egg, and started
homeward. Her brother followed cry
ing: Mother, mother, Susy she's been
and got the egg the old hen measures
by"
An absent minded professor, in going
ont the gateway of his college, ran
against cow. In the confusion of the
moment he raised his hat and exclaimed,
/" beg your pardon, madam" Soon
after he stumbled against lady in the
street in sudden recollection of his for
mer misfortune, he called out, sis that
you again, you old brute z"
An anecdote is told of Frederick the
Great, that, just before the battle of
Rosbach, he said to one of his generals,
who was on intimate terms with him, "If
I lose the battle shall retire to Venice
and there practice physic." "Ah, sire"
replied the general, ''always a murderer,
always murderer"
The champion liar of the world has
evidently gone into the business of tele-
graphing. In his efforts concerning the
Sabine mutiny, the rejection of the Bur-
lingame treaty, and the purchase of Cuba
by the Cubans, he has outdone himself.
II would not be woman, for then /
could not love her." said Montague.
Lady Montague says: "The only objec-
tion have to being a man is that l
would have to marry woman"
1T has leaked out that the College
I1xy4p rrtz n<V1 hA
gallant Phil. Sheridan, supposed he was
the original compounder Of Sheridan's
Calvary Condition Powders"
"A pupil in Exclamation, having been
told 10 gesticulate according to the sense,
In commencing piece with "The comet
lifts his fiery tail, innocently lifted the
tail of his coat, and looked around for
applause.
If you are precise man, and want to
know just what you arc getting, never
marry girl named Ann, for we have
the authority Of the best grammaIians
that "an" is an indefinite article
~ won't pay for steaks as tough as
these" said m angry boarder; "no law
can compel me-they are not legal ten
der"
At recent printers festival, the fol-
lowing toast was given:
.Woman-she is always in favor of
well conducted press"
An Irishman, hearing of friend who
had stone coffin made for him, exclain-
ed "That's good idea. Sure an a
stone coffin 'ud last man lifetime"
To do the thing properly in New York
ut wedding, the bride mast have eight
bridesmaids, and hundred dollar poo
die besides the one she marries.
81 am going to the post Office, Bob ;
shall inquire for you. :"
"Well, yes, if you have mind to, but
don't think you win find me there"
A Junior student at Cornell Universi-
ty, in rendering an account to his father
Of his last terms expenses, entered as an
item, 'Charity, $780," His father wrote
back :, "I fear that charity covers a
multitude of SINS"
"Hands wanted on bosoms," is a sign
on Broadway, in front of shirt factory.
They should have added "no gentlemen
need apply"
sits great comfort to be left alone"
said au Irish lover, especially when yer
swatehart is wild ye."
Why is one-dollar greenback better
thar silver dollar When you fold it
you double it, and when you open it you
find it in creases.
Why did Commodore Vanderbilt go to
Canada to be married? Because be was
afraid Fish and Gould would get out an
injunction and prevent the ceremony.
AL Middletown, Connecticut, an un-
Edertaker's sign, recently erected, reads
Collins made and repaired"
A Red River correspondent describes
On Indian captive as being aas grave, yet
resigned, as man over the corpse Of his
stepmother."
An Irish judge, in Hartford, Conn,
On learning that prisoner was unmar-
fied, remarked that it was ga good thing
for your wife,"
A little girl hearing the remark that
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