Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-08-20
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and see, said the woman.
Az old bachelor is a traveller on lifes rail
road, who has entirely failed to make the
proper connections.
A secret has been defined as anything
made known to everybody in whisper"
VERs few clergymen are so deaf that they
cannot hear call from $4,000 and upward.
When it is $4,000 or more the hearing be-
comes particularly keen.
"H0E you seen my blackfaced autelopeT'
inquired the manager Of a menagerie. NO,
haven't," was the reply. aWhom did your
blaekfaced aunt elope with2''
OK his death bed distinguished humorist
requested that no one be invited to his tuner
al, "beeause," sighed the dying, wag, ''it'sa
ciyiIity can never repay"
IN Cork, ireland, short time ago, the
crier Of the court endeavored to clear it by
exclainliug. IAN ye blackguards that isn's
lawyers lave the coort.
JOSH BnIvos says; "Giye the devil bis
due, reads well enough in a proverb; but
mi friend, what viii become nv me and you
if this arrangement is carried out?
SoAE oae blamed DIR. Marsh for changing
his mind "Well, " said he, that is the diff.
ference between a man and jnckass the
jacAass cant change his mind, and the man
can-it's human privilege"
A YOUNG lady who was rebuked by her
r,<,ff,os f.,- bss.Srr ber s-for,1.I s..-t:esl
aet by quoting the passage; whatsoever ye
would that men would do unto you do you
even so to them"
WoMFN are said to have stronger attach.
menis than men. It is evinced in little
things. a man is often attached to an old
hat; bat did you ever know of a woman hav-
ing an attachment for an old bonnet.
ONEo Of our boys asked six, ,per-center,
what he wanted to accumulate so much mo.
ney for? Says be You can't take it with
you when you die. and if you could it would
melt.
Aunt, said a three-y year old, Il don't
ike my aprons to be starched so much. So
much aarchness makes the stiffness scratch
my baroness
THE pompous epitbet Of close listed cit,
zen closed with he following passage of
Seriptare He that giyeth to the poor lend
eth to the Lord" THAT may be, solilo-
quized Sambo, "but when DAT man died de
Lord didn't owe him red cent
IN one Of Cooper's novels occurs the Fol.
lowing passage; "He dismouuted in front of
the house and tied his horse to large locust.
a French author, in translating this passage
rendered it thus 'He descended from his
horse in trout Of the chatean. and tied him to
a large grasshopper.
a NEGRO passing under seafIoldiug where
some repairs were going on, brick fell from
above on bis head, and was broken by the
fall. Saubo very cody raised his head, and
exclaimed Halo, you white man up dar, /
ifyou don want your bricks broke just keep
EN- off my head.
WheS Scotch minister told his neghbor
that he had preached two hours and half
the Gay before, the neighbor said to him, I
"Why, Minister are you not tired to death ?''
-"Aw nae, said he, I was fresh as a rose;
but it would have done your heart good to see
how tired the congregation was
TuE following advertisement under tie
head Of . Wife Wanted is from Western
paper ANY gal what S got a bed, a coffee.
pot, knows how to cut out britches, can make [
a huptin shirt, can take care Of young uns,
ken hey my sarvices till death parts both on
us.
A srypAY-seHooL teacher asked little
gir' aho was the first man. She alleged that
she lid not know, The question was theu
put TO an Irish girl, who answered, Adam,
sir, with apparent satisfaction. LA, said
the FIRST girl, you needn't to feel so grand
about it-he wasn't an Irishman -
RAILWAY OFFIc1AL-You had better not
smoke sir. Traveler-that's what my friends
says Official But you must not smoke sir.
fraveler-That's what the doctor tells me.
Official Indignantly But you shan't smoke
sir -Traveler-Ah That's what my wife
ssys.
EAsnGtI young man escorted home an
equally bashful young lady. As they were
approaching the dwelling Of the damsel, she
said entreatingly, Ezekiel, now don't tell .
anybody you beaued me home "Sary,"
said be emphatically, don't you mind am
as much ashamed Of It as you are
4 QUAKER in Bloomington, Indiana, who I
observed his wife looking in at tie kitchen
dor while be was embracing the servant
gd thu. addressed her Betsy thou had
better quit peeping, or thee viii cause a
disturbance in the family.
AiUY who was about to give a party to a
convention of clergy men, sent for caterer
- assist in the preparations. He asked if
She intended to give dancing party. She
replied that it vas to be mainly composed Of
clergymen. In that case, Madame - said
he, Il would advise you to provide bounti.
fully. THern pious people eat dreadfuliy"
a TENNESSEE Duchman having caught his
sou ia wrong doing, determined to administer
a dose of hickory. So he trimmed switch |
aud went TO look for the lad, who had incoa-
tineutIy took to his heels. After chasing the
boy around for while, the old man thought
to persuade him to stop and take the licking.
So he stopped and shouted "Shon, sthop
/ M not so mad as vat [ wash ~
.'NHLaE have you been Charlie ?" SIN
the garden ma. ''No-yoa have been
swimming; you know | cautioned you about
going to the creek. win have to correct you.
Look at your hair how wet it Is. 30 no,
ma, this is not water; Il is sweatn' ''Ah,
Charley, have caught you fbbing your
shirt is wrong side out" (Boy triumphant
ly.)-"0, did that just now, ma, climbing
oce. the fence.
YouNG LADY's opinion Of the bonnet Of
tie season &Oh. the hnnnets of INV Girl