The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1869-12-20
Josh Billings k'al'crS.
FEMALE REMARKS.

Dear Girls, ar" WI in sarch ov Il husband;
This IL 4 DumUcr, and WI arc not required
,aw io say "Ies" out loud, but are cH-
nekted tc,v throw your eyes down onto The
earth, az tho WI waz looking tor Il pm, ana
reply few the interrogatory with 4 KIND OF
draulin sigh, az tho VI waZ catlnS IN o!S-
ter, Juice and all, off from the halt shell:
Not tew press so tender 4 theme untll IL
bekumS a thorn in the flesh, we VIII pre-
sumo (tew avoid arg,lment) that yl are on
the lookout for sumthing in the male line
few boost WI in the uphill on life, and tew
keep his eyes on the britchinS when yu be-
nin few 90 down the other side ov the
mountain. Let me give YOU sum small
chunks ov advice how teW spot Eurc feWtcf
husband ven.
/. The man who IL jellous ov every little
attcnshun which yu git from sum other lcl-
low, WI will find after yu are married 10
him, luys himself more than he duZ yu, and
what VII mistook for Substitute, yu VIII
diskoyer has changed into indifference.
Jcllousy isn't 4 heart diseaZe, 1t Is Il liver
complaint. >, -.
9. a mus,a>h is not indispensable it IL
only IL little more hair, and liz a good deal
ILL MOSS anA -athar~ES@re---ans:S-nlLeh
which WI admire IN Il phel!ooW before mar
riagc yu will probably hay tew admire in Il
husband after. and 4 muStaSh will lit teH
be very weak diet after a long time.
3. If husbands could be took OH trial. ~
irish cooks are. two-thirds ov them would
probably be returned but there don'tSccm
tew be emmy law for this. Therefore, girls.
yu will see that after yl git Il man, W hay
got tew keep him, even il WI loos on him.
Consequently, if yu hay got emmy kold vitles
in the hous, try him on them, once iii a
while, during securing season, and if he
S\yolars tbpm pru1l and soy bp will fake
some more, he IL Il man who, when blue
Monday Gums, will wash well.
4. Don't marry a pheller who is alwuz n
telling how hiz mother duz things. 1t il az
hard few suit theze men az it IL tew wcan d
yung one.
.. If ayung man kan beat WI playing on
q pianner, and kant hear ii tiSh-horn play
ing in the street without turning Il back
Summersett on account of the musick that
IL in him, l say ship him he might answer
tew tend babe, but if yu set him hoeing out
the garden, w will find that w hay got tew
do it yurSelf. a man whoze whole lIeft
lies in muSick (and not very hefty at that)
amt no better for a husband than SeedlitiZ
powder: but if he luvs to listen while yu
sing sum gentle ballad, va will find him
mellow and no soft. But don't marry emmy
boldly for jist one virtew, emmy quicker than
yu would flop Il man for jist one fault.
6. 1t liz one ov the most tufieSt things for
Il female tew be an old maid successfully.
a CRATE menny heZ tried it and made Il bad
job ov it. E%vryboddy seems to look upon
old maids jist ez they do upon dried HARRIS
in the garnet, handy for sickness-and there
fore, girls, it amt q mistake that WI should
be williu TO swop yursclf opb with some
trew phellow for a husband. The Swop is
a good one, but don't swop for emmy man
who IL reSpekted ,jist bckaIlsc his father IL.
You had better be an old maid for 1 thou
sand years, and then join the Shakers. than
tew buy repentance at this price. No woman
ever made this trade who didn't git either a
phool, a mean cuss or Il clown, for n huSS-
band.
:. In digging down into this subject find
the digging grows harder the further ! git.
1t is mulch easier tcw inform yu who not
tew marry than who tew, for the reason
thare liz more of them.
l don't think WI will foller mi advise, if i
Civ it and, therefore, l will keep 1t, for j
look upon advise Us do upon castor ile-a
mean dose to give, and a mean dose to take.
If yu can find a bright-eyed. healthy, and
well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty
az sassy as a child looks upon wealth-Who
had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in
front of the 5th avenue hotel, and eat Il
ham sandwich than tew go inside and run
in debt for hiZ dinner and too~thpick-one
who liz armed with that kind ov plnck that
mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise IL
tew take him, body and soul-snarc him ut
unst. for he is u stray trout, of Il breed very
skase in our waters. Take him, | say, and
bid onto him, rs hornets bid onto Il tree.
Ne,c York Weekly.