Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1869-10-21
mi$feIIauenns.
SUIT LOYENGOODs' SHIRT.

You know I boards with Bill Carr, at
his cabin on the mountains, and pays for
SIGH as gifts when I hey money ; and
for SIGH asI gifts when | haven't any, why
he takes one third out of me cussin, and
she, that's his wife Bets, takes out the
tother two thirds with her battin stick,
and the interest with her tongue, and the
interests more'n the principal heap
more. She is the cussed-est woman l
eyer seed any how for jaw and pride.
She can scold blister into minutes
and pattern after every fashion she hears
tell on from bussels to britches. Oh I!
she's. one of'm, and sometimes two or
three.
Well, you zee [ got some cotton truck
r to make new shirt outen, and coaxed
Bets TO make it, and about the time it was
done here comes lawyer johnson along and
ayed for breakfast. / wish l had pizened
him durn his hide, and | wonder it didn't
for she cooks awful mixens when she tries.
I'm pizen proof myself, or I'd been dead
long ago.
Well, while we were eatin' s.e spied
out that his shirt was stiff and mighty
sticky go she never rested till she worri-
ed it outen him that preparation of -four
did it, and she got few particulars about
the proceedings outen him, and set in and
billed big pot of paste-nigh onto a
peck of it-and soused in my shirt and let
it soak awhile; then she tuck it and iron,
ed it out fat and dry, and sot it up agin
the cabin in the sun. Thar it stood as
stiff as dried boss hide. and it ratified
like sheet-iron-it did. 1t were paste to-
gether all over. When l come to dinner
nothing would do but must put it on
Well, Bets and me got the thing open after
some hard work, she pullin' at one end Of
the tail and me at tother, and I got into
it. Durn that new fengled shirt, I say.
/ felt like had crawled into bee-gum
and it full of ants but it war like lawyer
~Johnson's and | stood it like man, and
went to work to build Bets an ash-hopper.
Tsworked powerful hard, and sweet like a
boss. and when the shirt got wet it quit
hurtin.
eArter I got got dun I took about four
fingers of red eye and crawled up in the
cabin to take snooze. Well, when l
walked up thought was dead or had the
cholera, for all the jints | could move war
my ankle, wrist, and knees-could not
move my head or skasely wink my eye
the cussed shirt was pasted fast onto me
all oyer, from the ends of the tail to the
pints of the broad axe collar over my
ears. I: sot to me as close as hide to "a
poor COW in March. I strained and
squirmed till scatter got it broke at the
shoulders and elbows, and then done the
durn'st foolishest thing ever done in this
mountains. I shufled my britches off
and tore loose from my hide about two
inches af the tail all around in much pain
and tribulation.
Oh but it did hurt Then I tuck mp
plank inter the loft and hung nay legs
down through the hole and nailed the
edge of the front tail to the floor before
me, and the hind tail II nailed to the plank
I sot on. I unbuttened the collar and
wristbands, raised my eyes, said grace
and then jumped tothe ground floor.
Here Sut remarked sadly :-''George
I'm darnder fool than ever dad was,
boss, hornets nests and all. I'll drown
myself one of these days, see if don't"
Well. GO on Sut; did the shirt come
off? Il think it did! l hearn
noise sorter like tearing a shingle roof off
wv house all at wonst, and felt that my
bones were all that reached the floor |
staggered to feet and took look at my
shirt. The nails had hilt their holt, and
thar it was hanging, arms down. inside
out as stiff as ever. 1t looked like the
map of Mexico arter one of the first bat
tles-a patch of hide just about the size
of dollar bill here bunch of har
about the size Of bird thar then some
mora har the skin and 80 on all over the
darned new-fangled everlasting, internal,
ouss on shirt. 1t was a picture to look
at-and SO was I. The hide har and
paste, were about equally divi led between
me and it. W Wonder what Bets, darn her,
thought when she come home and found
me missin. Spect she thinks l crawled
into thicket and died of my wounds
1t must have scared her good, for l tell
you it looked like the skin of wild beast
torn off alive. or bag that had covered
q load of fresh beef hcme from shoot
an match: Durn lawyer johnson and
Il.