The New Orleans crescent. [volume] (New Orleans, La.) 1866-1869, 1869-02-07

By CHARLES DICKENS.
Mr.. BARLOW.


but terrific gentleman whose name stands ct the
head Of my present reflections. The instructive
monomaniac Mr.. Barlow, will be remembered az
the tutor Of Master Harry Sanford and Master
tically improved all sorts Of occasions, from the
consumption of plate of cherries to the contem-
plation Of starlight night. What youth came to
without Mr.. Barlow was displayed 10 the history OF
SANFORD and Merton eX the example Of certain
buckles and powder, conducted himself with In:
supportable levity at the theater, had no idea OF
facing mad bull single handed lin which think
him less fepreheDsible. % remotely rejecting my
own chsrscter), and was q frightful instance of
the enervating effects of luxury upon the human
race.
Strange destiny on the part of Mr.. Barlow, to 60
down TO posterity 40 childhood's first experience
Of bore Immortal Mr.. Barlow, boring his way
My personal indictment against Mr.. Barlow, Is
onepf many counts. will proceed to set forth o
fevkof the injuries he has done me.
In the first place, he never made, or took,
joke. This iusensibllity on Mr.. Barlow's part not
only cast its own gloom over my boyhood. but
blGhted even the sixpenny jest books of the time.
For groaning under moral spell constraining me
to refer all things to Mr. Barlow, could not choose
but AJAX myself in q whisper when tickled by 9
printed jest. What would he think Of 1t! What
would be see In it," The point of the jest imme-
diately became o sting, and stung my conscience.
For my minds eye saw him stolid, frigid, per-
chance taking from Its shelf some dreary Greek
book and formulating at full length what some dis
NAL sage said (and touched up Afterwards, per-
haps, for publication) when he banished some un-
lucky Joker from Athens.
The incompatibility Of Mr.. Barlow with all other
portions of my young life but himself, the ada
mantine adaptability of the man to my favorite
fancies and amusements, is the thing for which I
hate him most. What right had he to bore his
way into my Arabian Nights? Yet he did. He
was always limiting doubts Of the veracity of Sind.
bad the Sailor. II he could have got hold Of the
Wonderful Lamp, knew he would have trimmed
II and lighted It, and delivered lecture over II on
the qualities Of sperm oil, with glance at the
whale fisheries. he would soon have found out
on mechanical principles-the peg In the neck Of
the Enchanted Horse, and would have turned Il
the right way In 90 workmanlike o manner, that
the horse conld never have got any height into
the air, and the story couldn't have been. BE
would have proved, BY map and compass, that
there was no such kingdom as the delightful king.
would have caused that hypocritical young .prig,
Harry. to make an experiment with the aid OF q
temporary building In the garden and dummy
demonstrating that You couldn't let choked
Hunchbeck down an eastern chimney with cord,
and leave him upright the hearth TO terrify the
sultan's purveyor.
The golden sounds Of the overture to the first
metropolitan pantomime remember, were al
Logged by Mr.. Barlow. Click click ting ting, bang
bang, weedle weedle weede, Bang recall the
cooled my hot delight, as the thought ACQUIRED 20
me " This would never do for Mr.. Barlow "
After the curtain drew up, dreadful doubts of
Mr.. Barlow's considering the costumes Of the
nymphs OF the -Nebula as being sufficiently
opaque, obtruded themselves on my enjoyment.
In the clown perceived two persons; one, fas-
cinatiDg unaccountsble creature OF hectic com.
pexion, joyous In spirits though feeble in intel.
lect, with flashes Of brilliancy the other, pupil
for Mr.. Barlow. thought how Mr.. Barlow would
secretly rise early In the morning, and butter the
pavement for him. and, when he had brought him
down, would look severely out Of his study-win.
dow and ask him how be enjoyed the fun.
thought how Mr.. Barlow would heat oil the
pokers In the house, and SINCE him with the
whole collection, to bring him better acquainted
with the properties Of incandescent iron, on
which he Barlow would fully expiate. I pic
tured Mr.. Barlow's instituting comparison be-
tween the clowns conduct at his studies-drink-
ing up the ink, licking his copy.book, and using
ready mentioned young Prig of Prigs, Harry,
sitting at the Bsrlovian feet sHeskingly pretend.
ing to be In rapture of useful knowledge. l
thought how soon Mr.. Barlow would smooth the
clowns hair down, instead Of letting II stand erect
In three tall tufts; and how, after couple Of
years or 30, with Mr.. Barlow, be would keep his
legs close together when he walked, and would
take his hands out Of his big loose pockets, and
wouldn't have jump left In him.
That am particularly ignorant what most
are made, is another Of my charges against Mr..
Barlow. With the dread upon me Of developing
into Harry, and with the further dread upon
me Of being Barlowed If made inquiries, by
bringing down upon myself cold shower bath Of
explanations and experiments, forbore enlight-
eminent in my youth, and became, az they. say in
melodramas, the wreck you now behold" That
consorted with idlers and ounces, Is another of
the melancholy facts for which hold Mr.. Barlow
responsible. That PrsgmatIca PhR Harry, be.
came 80 detestsble In my sight, that he being re-
ported studious In the South, l would have fed
idle to the EXTREMIST North. Better TO learn mis-.
conduct from Master Mash than science and sta
tistics from Sanford So took the path which,
but for Barlow, I might never have trodden.
Thought with q shudder. " Mr.. Barlow is bore
with an immense constructive power OF making
bores. His prize specimen Ii o bore. He seeks
to make bore of me. That knowledge Ia power
am not prepared to gainsay; but, with Mr. Bar.
low, knowledge Is power to bore" Therefore
took refuge in the caves of ignorance, wherein
have resided ever since, and which are still my
private address.
But the weishtiest charge of all my charges
against Mr.. Barlow is, that he still walks the
earth In various DISCUSSES, seeking to make
Tommy Of me, even In my maturity. Irrepres-
sible instructive monomaniac, Mr.. Barlow fills
my life with pitfalls and lies hiding at the bot
tom TO burst out upon me when least expect
him.
few Of these dismal experiences of mine shall
suffice.
Knowing Mr.. Barlow to have invested largely In
the moving panorama trade, and having on various
occasions identified him in the dark with long
wand in his hand, holding forth in. his old way
made more appalling in this connection by his
sometimes cracking piece of Mr.. Carlyle's own
Dead Sea Fruit In mistake for joke,) systemat-
ically shun pictorial entertainment on rollers.
Similarly | should demand responsible bail and
guaranty against the appearance Of Mr.. Barlow,
before committing myself to attendance at any
sssemblage Of my fellow.creatures where bottle
Of water and notebook were conspicuous OBJ
jects. For in either of those associations should
expressly expect him But snch is the designing
nature Of the man, that he steals in where no
reasoning, precaution or provision could expect
him. As in the following case:
Adjoining the Caves of Ignorance Is q country
town. In this country town the Mississippi Mo-
muses., nine In number, were announced to appear
in the town hall, for the general delectation, this
last Christmas week. Knowing Mr.. Barlow to be
unconnected with the Mississippi, though holding
republican opinions, and deeming myself secure, I
took Q stall. My object was to hear and see the
Mississippi Momuses In what the bills described as
their National ballads, plantation break downs
Niger part songs, choice conundrums, sparkling
etc." found the nine dressed alike, In
the black coat and trousers, white wsistcoat very
large white tie and Wristbands which constitute the
dress Of the mass Of the African race and which has
been observed by travellers to prevail over q vast