Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-08-20
Hunl0r.

HumOr. +
An essay on MANA woman's attempt to
marry him.
Largely reduced-The space occupied by
lady.
''I'll take the shine out of you, as the
eclipse said to the moon.
Why do cabmen prefer tall ladies to short
ones? Because the higher the fair the better
they like it.
An lrishman, writing sketch of his life,
says he ear y ran away from his father, be-
cause he discovered he was only his uncle.
In the language of flowers, if you wish
for "heart's-ease," never look to .smari
gold"
81 am going to draw this bean into
knot" as the lady said at the hymeneal
alter
Loving wife. at Long Branch 1.-The
horrid surf makes me keep my mouth shut"
Sarcastic husband 'Take some of it home
with you"
"Why are old maids so devoted to their
cats r asked young coxco.nb of an elder
ly lady. Because, having no husbands,
they take to the next most treacherous
things" was the reply
A well-known author hung up his stock
ing in jest last Christmas eve, and his wife
very much in earnest, put a baby in it :;
whereupon the author said: my dear, darn
that stocking"
Harry, you ought not to throw away
nice bread like that you may want it some
day" Well, mother, would I stand any
better chance of getting it then if should
eat it now 2"
An Irishman went to live in Scotland for
short time, but didn't like the country.
II was sick all the time I was there"
said he, "and if [ had lived there till this
time I'd been dead year ago."
Young Jones always complained to his
father-n-law of the temper and hayward
ness Of his wife. ''I'll cure her." said the
father, "Tll cut her off without shilling if
she don't behave" Young Jones always
told his father-in-law after that, sShe's q
model of wife"
A gentleman dining with member of the
Society of Friends, after having eaten enough
for four moderate visitors, re-helped himself,
exclaiming, "You see it's cut and come
again with me!' To which the sectarian
gravely replied, Friend, cut again thou
may'st but come again thou never shalt"
Two young men in Fond du Lac got bad
ly frightened the other night by what they
supposed to be ghost Close investigation
proved that it was fastened by pins to a
clothes line. and was simply an under gar
ment invariably worn by the gentle sex
The virtuous young men excused themselves
very handsomely, by saying they had never
seen anything of the kind before Nice boys
in Fon du Lac-very.
A celebrated quack doctor, who boasts
that he attends the poor for nothing, but
who manages to remunerate himself by
charging the more wealthy high prices for a
prescription. asked woman who entered
his office, What are your circumstances,
nay good woman ?" ''Please, Doctor" was
the reply. "Pm widow and | haven't got
any circumstances at all-I'm too poor"
''Hallo! calculated an anxious guardian
to his pretty niece, as be entered the parlor
and saw her on the sofa in the arms of swain
who had just popped the question and sealed
it with kiss, whats the time Of day now 2
II should think it was about half pas
twelye." was the cool reply of the Joyful
damsel; YOU see we are almost one" s
L party Of young Americans were stand
ing in front of an ancient saddier's shop
kept by one Hans, Dutchman Mischie
reigned supreme in their number, and think
sng to have some sport with our German
friend, enc Of them opened the door and ad
dressed him:
II say, German, have you any saddle
for dogs?"
Looking up from his work quite compos
eddy he replied:
"YaW' come in unit dry Won on"
a couple Of Yankee girls put bull froe
into the hired mans bed to see If they coule
get him to talk. Daniel threw the frog GU
Of the window and never said word. Soor
after he put bushel Of chestnut burrs into
the girls bed. and about the time he though
they would make the least shadow, DAME
went to their door and ratified the latter flu
riously. Out went the light and ip wen
the girls, but they didn't stick, though thu
burrs did. Calling to them, he begged then
to be quiet; be only wanted to know if the,
had "seen anything Of that pesky bull-frog
he'd give two dollars to find him"
An old maid of reputed wealth married
her coachman, who knew more about horse,
than he did of grammer, and she was in the
habit of correcting his grammatical mistakes.
One night he came home rather late bring
ing With him an over amount Of Gig juice, ~
as Dan Bryant calls it, and arriving at the
front door. be made quite racket in his de-
mands for entrance.
The ex-maid opened an upper window and
asked :-"Whese there2 ?"
ats me-" said the inebriated champion
Of ''trotting stock "
"Its l, my darling" corrected his part
ner Of JOY" "a
"It's you, is it? Well. things have come
to pretty pass, when don't know myself,
retorted siCoachy;" and shortly afterwards
he received lesson in the 'parts of speech. "a
Burton HOLES ON Born SIDEs.-A gen.
tleman in Charleston, who entertained good
deal Of company at dinner, had a black as an
attendant, who was native of Africa, and
never could be taught to hand things invari-
ably to the left hand Of the guests at the ia
BILE. At length his master thought of an
infallible expedient to direct ct him, and as the