Memphis daily appeal. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1847-1886, 1869-05-30
FUNNY PARAGRAPHS.

! FUNNY PARAGRAPHS.
\ bachelor friend says he dislikes
Young married couples " because they
are so apt to give themselves heirs y
Young lady: " Oh, r am so glad you
like birds: which kind do you admire
most?" Old gent: " Well, 1 think the
turkey, with plenty of stuffing, is
about as good as any"
" Have 1 not offered you every ad-
Vantage?' said a father 10 his son.
"Oh, yes" replied the youth; but
could not think of taking an advan-
tage of my father"
A somewhat Juvenile dandy said to
fair partner at a ball, "dOn't you
think, miss, my mustacheS are be-
coming?" To which she replied ;
f" Well, sir, they may be coming, but
they have not yet arrived" ;"
a young lady at Troy, while en-
gagged in conversation with gentle
man a few days since, spoke of having
resided in st. Louis. +" Was st. Louis
your native place?" inquired the gem
tleman. Well, yes-part of the
time," responded the lady.
John G. SAKE is responsible for the
following paraphrase from Martial:
Your nose and eyes your father gave, you
say;
Your mouth your grandsire; aud your
mother meek
Your fine expression; tell me now, pray,
Where, in the name Of Heaven. you got
your cheek?
An itinerant quact doctor in Texas
was applied TO by one of Col. Hays
rangers to extract the iron point of an
Indian arrowhead from his head,
where it had been lodged for some
time. - cannot 'stract this, stranger, "
said the doctor, bekase to do so
would go nigh killin' you; but | tell
YOU what | can do; | can give you a
pill that will melt it in your head"
Much libellous matter has been writ
ten on tOmbStOnes about wives. Wit
ness this from Selby, Yorkshire:
Here lies nay wife, sad slattern and
shrew;
If I said I regretted her, 1 should lie too.
Here is anothC
Here lies my wife; here let her lie;
She's ut rest, and so am l.
\ Kentucky man went over TO In
diana to procure stone for the grave
of his son, and insisted that the in
scription, which twas writ by the
family" should be "cut out just that
way. The following is the poem as
prepared:
He died az nashville tennessee
he died of kronic diaree
il trooly painful must of bin
to die so fur away from hum.
4 letter from Bryan, Wyoming
Territory, says: You can see, at al
most any town, notices from vigilance
committees for certain persons to
leave town. / had quite laugh a
few days since. The committee
waited on q man they call wild Bill
and gave him fifteen minutes to leave
town. Bill got on his mule and said,
Gentlemen, if this id mule don't
baulk, don't want but five.
At st. Louis not long ago, couple
of rural individuals We're walking
along the levee. Some of the sewer
mouths were exposed, and a few of
the smaller ones were broken down so
that they looked like natural springs.
One of the countrymen, who was
walking in front of the other, sudden
ly called out: Look a here, Jim,
here's another spring" " Well, gaul
darn ii" replied Jim, IF the water
is no better in this one than in thefast
one, | don't want drink from itR
The following was current for some
time before it got into the papers
Large man is looking at a painting in
window; big man pushes him; large
man turns around Indignantly, ,"DoyOu
know whom you are pushing sir ?''
No, and l don't care a-durn. I" "Sir,
l am James Fisk, ,Juniorv'" >" Are YOU?
well, am John g. Heenan, Senior"
"Oh! an! indeed permit me to make
room for you to look at this charming
picture" And the two lions stood
lovingly side by side.
a Breton peasant, on his way to
Paris, stopped at barber's shop in
Rambouilet. While the barber was
strapping his razor the peasant no.
ticed dog sitting near his chair and
What is thematter with thatdOg,p
said the peasant, " that he stares at
me?"
The barber answered with an un-
concerned air:
4" That dog is always there. You
see when | cut off a piece of an ear"
L" Well?u
Well; he eats it."
\ Kansas paper tells this: We
stumbled ON a man and wife, on one
of the back streets, recently, having a
little matrimonial discussion. AS
near as we could learn, the male had
left her bed and board without Just
cause and provocation.' He was sui
len, and would say nothing, while the
woman poured her vials of wrath on
his devoted head with out stint. Fin
ally she wound up splendid perora-
tiOn with them children's half
your'n, and you've got to support
'em.' At this, for the first time, he
openedkhis mouth with. T'd like to
know which half This was too much
for madam, and; turning away, she
was of, with. that peculiar swing of
the skirt that marks an angry woman.
She meant that he had q half claim
on them, to which he gave an entirely
different meaning. Then are very
provoking indeed, sometimes"
From the proceedings of the Old
school Presbyterian Assembly on Satur-