Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-10-01
9nfnorons.

]
JOSH BlnlNas says; s'IfI was in the habit
of swearing, wouldn't hesitate TO euss a
bed bug right to his face"
MR. SNOWMAN, can the leopard change his
spots ~ Eyes, sir when he gets tired of one
spot he can 60 to another"
| A LADY asked a gentleman how old he was.
He replied, '.Yyhat you do in everything"
What was his age XL.
GEoReE CoLMAN being once asked if he
knew Theodore Hook, replied "0h! yes,
Hook aud l (eye) are old associates"
4 LITTLE boy, returning from Sunday
school, said to his mother "Ma, amt there
kittenchism for little boys The ehatechism
is too hard p
81 GO through my work, as the needle
said to the idle boy. "But not till you are
hard pushed, said the idle boy to the nee
die.
AS Irishman was once asked to define an
Irish bull, to which he replied; Whenever
you see two cows lying down in field, the
one that is standing up is bull
WILLIE p, little fye.year.old, was
playing with honey bee, when the angry
bee gtung him. ''Oh granmap' cried VIII
lie 4 didn't know bees had spliuters in
their feet
a CmYAM-S's opinion Of a trial by jury
''One of the men was silent; the other spoke
all the time and the twelvesage condemned
the man who had not said anything.
Of 1 am not at home from the party to-
night at ten O'Clock, said John to his better
and bigger bali, don't wal. for me, "That
won't, said the lady significantly; Il
won wait, but III come after you." John
returned at ten precisely.
GIVE me pound of oysters, " said man
to an oyster vender, who was going by. 81
sell by measure, not by weight, replied the
oystermau. Then give me yard of them,
said the man. The oysterman shook his head
dubiously, aud passed on.
SHEaDAy.-This celebrated wit once said to
Erskine, "Ah, Tom, had I stuck to the law
mighf have been what you are; but, hang it,
Mrs. S. or myself was always obliged to write
for our daily leg or shoulder Of mutton
"Ah." said Erskine. Il always heard your
literature was Joint concern.
Az ExAcrING MIsrREss.-Loyers must not
trust to implicitly to any Of their five senses.
A tender swain reproached his fair one with
letting rival kiss her hand, fact that she
Indignantly denied. "But saw it"-fNay
then, cried the offended fair, ~ am now
convinced that you do not love me, since you
believe your eyes in preference to my word. -
A LADY visited Lafayette, Ind, the other
day. who, in gathering up her dress to escape
the mud, exposed to view beautiful white
skirt, the rear breadth Of which was made of
a half barrel -four sack, upon which the in
delible brand OF the miller was still visible, |
'.niuetysix pounds, extra superfne-
warranted
JOSH BILLINGS ANSWER TO CoRREsroS.
DENT" Biscuit. in reply to yure ques
tioB, l would hurriedly state that the toad is
a domestic animal, or can be made so by
coaxing him into a barrel, aud shutting up
the bung hole. They stand in the same re-
lation to a frog that Dutehman duz to q live
Yankee They ain t so sudden gated az the
frog. They lead very retired and pensive
life during The day, behind stun walls; but
when thilight begins to dress for the night,
then the toad and toadesses begin to recon
noitre round. If toads kan live upon what
they eat, they would be just the things to
stock a boardiug-school with, fir couple of
flies is all the meat they want for fortnit.
Two French Ladies were looking for the
little daughter of one Of them in group of
baby carriages. "Do you see ber!" asked
the friend Of the mother. "Herl I am look /
ing for her nurse, ,''-''Her nurse !''-''Yes:
all children look alike 1 know the nurse, |
and can best find the child in that way" Gas
for myself, l think all nurses look alike"
How do you fud yours, then?' "Oh, /
know the soldier who is her beau"
A SHOEMAKER in the Whitechapel Road
England, "begs to inform his friends that he
has continued for the last % years to perform
Sergical Operations on Old Boots and Shoes,
BY the adding of Feet, making good the Legs, |
Binding the broken, Healing the wounded, |
MeHding the constitution, and supporting the /
body with new Sole. His Side Spring Bal
morals at los. Cd. viii be found as elastic as
an Act of Parliament, but admirably suited /.
for those who tread only in the paths of recti- !
tude; their durability is equal to truth itself |
and they fit the foot as fairly as innocence the
face of childhood"
A coLoRED preacher in Georgia can be
heard two miles when he gets warmed up to
his work
TIE NEGeo's SmME.-An old negro nam
ed Pete, was very much troubled about his
sins. Pereeiving him one day with very
downcast look, his master asked him the
cause.
% massa! I'm such a great sinner
But, Pete, said his master, you are fool.
ish to take it so much at heart You never
see me so troubled about my sins
] know de reason, said Pete, when YOU
60 duck shooting, and kill one duck and
wound another, don't you run after de wound
ed duck {?
Yes, Pete;' and the master wondered what
was coming next well, massa, dat is de
way wid you and me de debbil has got you
surei but he amt sure of me he cbases dis
chile all de time
a GREEN WITNESS. About ten years since
young man of good character hired horse
from livery stable to ride out to a little
own about twenty miles distant. Unfortu-
lately, about half way out, the horse was ta-
ken sick aud died. The livery man sued him
tor the value Of the horse, representing that
.he horse had been killed by fast driving.
One of the young mans Witnesses (rather
green. OF supposed to be. and who bad q ne.