Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-09-10
Aamoroas.

''heart's ease, never look to marry gold. y
The milkman's song-"shall we gather at
at the River"
A BLOW at real estate-when men are en-
gagged in breaking ground.
THE man who had no music in his sole wore
seasoned leather.
THs place to look for rounded periods-in
circular letters Of credit.
WY is the road of the transgressors so
hard Because it is so much travelled.
WHEN vas the most beef tea made? When
Henry the Eighth dissolved the Pope's bull.
HArrERs should not be charged with being
sleepy class because they always have to do
with so much nap.
THE highest figure which some ladies cut
may be best known by looking at their bills
from the dress and bonnet makers.
Az India rubber car is about being invent
ed, which, when jam full, viii hold couple
more.
Pays is the name Of a newspaper in Paris.
Don't pay is the name Of great many in
America.
A PICTURE Of despair-a pig reaching
through hole in a fence to get cabbage
that lies few inches beyond his reach.
ALTHOUGH l never drink, 1 think Tn tax.
1 ing drop now, as the temperance man said
when be tell out of the third story window.
WHAT is the dlfferance between an editor
and his wife One sets articles to rights, and
the other writes articles to set.
An editor, commenting upon the import
ance Of small things, Gays he does not slight
a straw, if it has sherry cobbler at one end.
ToAsr-The Ladies-Their eyes kindle the
only flames which we cannot extinguish, and
against which there is no insurance.
A DOCTOR examined in court as a witness
complained to the Judge that if he was kept
from his patients they might recover.
MANKIND has been learning for six thous-
and years, and yet how few have learned that
their fellow beings are as good as themselves.
The pitcher goes often to the well, but the
latter has never been known to return the
call
TIE first question that disturbed man was
the woman question, and it bids fair to be the
last
NEVER put off till to morrow anything you
have no notion of doing until the week after
next.
SOMEBODY says the Mississippi 'bad raised
one foot" When it raises the other, it will
probably run.
WHAT does telegraph operator do when
he receives the heads of important news?
Waits for de tails, of course.
A YOUNG lady in Staunton, Va, keeps a
list of her male acquaintance in pocket
diary, and calls it her him book.
PEOPLE often say of people that he is cum
ming fellow. This can never be true, for, if
he were nobody could find it out
Is is very curions that men never know
they have grey hairs. The discovery is al
ways made for them by other people.
WIFE-'T don't think, husband that you
are very smart ''No, indeed, wife; but
everybody knows that am awfully shrelced."
IT is with narrow-souled people as with
narrow-necked bottles: the less they have in
them the more noise they make in pouring it
out.-Pope.
THERE is a man who labors under the de.
lusion that Hon." before mans name,
stands for honest He ought to be in the
museum.
A STORY is told of a young man who was
going west to open a jewelry store When
asked what capital he had, replied, ga crow
bar"
Nor having heard from the debating socie-
ties in relation to the conuudrum, "Why do
hens always lay eggs in the day-time?' CO.
temporary answers, ''Because at night they
are roosters"
A GENTLEMAN one day indiscreetly asked
lady how old she was. ''Let me see, was
Is when was married, and my husband was
80; now be is twice 80, and that is co; so of
course l am twice Is, that is SO.
AFTER MARRIAGE.--Wife Charles, dear,
now that We are married we must have no
secrets; so help me off with my calres."
(Husband groans and wishes he had found it
out sooner.)
tbs use of bricks as a lining for wells has
been much disapproved Of because they have
been found to harden the softest water; bricks
are equally injurious as lining for hats, as
they are found to soften the hardest heads.
WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing
the nature of gas, bluestocking lady in
quired of gentleman near her what was the
difference between oxygin and hydrogen?
"Fery little, madam, ;" said he; "by oxygin
we mean pure gin and by hydrogen, gin and
water
JAEyEY to Jehu, (at first sight Of bicycle:)
"Fy, if ere amt cove as as been con-
demned to transportation on a hitinerary
treadmill" Jehu-''No, my old honeycomb;
it's on'y the latest fashion in donkey-carts,
and the donkey as run away with itself, that's
all
A HIDEoUs- LOOKING old woman was recent
ly brought before municipal judge, in New
Orleans. "What are you up here for ?' said
be. II don't know, unless it's for my beau.
ty. ''Your what?' exclaimed the aston.
ished magistrate. ''Siy beauty" screamed
the bag. HWelt, you can 90, said the Judge;
''you are diseharged-you amt guilty"
SARATOGA NEwPoRT-you' We seen them"
Said Charley one morning toJoe;
''Pray tell me the difference between them
For bother my wig if know!''
Quoth Joe, "'Tis the easiest matter
At oEce to distinguish the two
At the one, you go into the water;
At the other, it goes into you!''
81 SHALL tell you how it was. puts my
hand on mine head and dere vas Won pain.
Then puts mine hand on mine body and