The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1869-09-23
Josh Billings en- the R.ccoon.


The Rackoon il a resident ov the
United States ov America; he emigrated
tew this country soon after its diskov-
cry by Columbus, without cent, and
nothing but his claws tew git living
with.
He is one ov them kind of persons
whoze hide is worth more than all the
rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber,
and cultivates the corn fields and nay
bring garden sass for sustenance, and
understands his bizzness.
Hiz family consists of wife and
three children, who liv with him on the
inside of tree.
He can alwus be seen at home during
the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his
nights are devoted tew looking after his
own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail,
which is round. has rings on it.
These rings are ov the same material
that the tail IL, and are worn upon all
occasions.
During the winteF he ties himself up
into hard not aud lays down by his
fresde,
When spring opens, he opens, and
goes out to see how the chickens have
wintered.
Hz life liz as tree from labor az new
penHy, aud if il wasn't for the dogs, aud
the rest ov mankind, the rackoon would
fnd what everybody else haz lost-a
heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him, and the men
skin him, and what there Is left ov him
amt worth cuss.
He is not uatral vagabOnd like the
alligator aud hedgehog, but luvs to be
civilized and live amung folks; but he
has one vice that the smartest nisslona-
~ kant redeem-and that is the art of
stealing.
He is seckond only tew the crow in
petit larceny, and will steal what he
kant eat nor hide.
He will tip over barrel.ov apple sass
Just for the fun ov mauling the sass
with his feet, aud will pull the plug out
oy the molassis, not bekause he luvs
sugar emmy better than he does duck,
but jist tew see if the molassis has got
q good daub TO it.
hav stabbed animal deviltry for
eighteen years bekause the more
deviltry in an animal the more human
he IL.
kant find, by searching the passen-
ger list, that Noah had coon on board,
but am willing tew bet 10 pounds ov
mutton sassage that mister coon and his
wife committed by stealing a ride.
| never knu rackoon tew want
ennything long that he could steal
quick.
Ennybody who has ever looked ut a
coon square in the face, will bet yu
dollar that he is dead beat, or I'M
der five hundred dollar bonds not to
go into dizziness for the next ninety
days.
hav had tame coons by the dozens;
they are as eazy to tame as a child, II
yu take them young enutf, but kant
advise ennybody TO cultivate coOns;
they want as mulch looking after as a
blind mule on a 'towpath, and there
amt emmy more profit in them than thar
il in stock dividened on the Erie rail-
road.
never wus out of 4 pet animal since
kan remember, till now, but have
gone out eff the trade forever; lately
discovered that it was good deal like
making whissel out of kat's tale,
ruiniRg comfortable tail, and reaping
kussled mean whissel.
Rackoons liv tew be 65 years old, if
they miss the sosiety of men aud dogs
enuff, but there amt but few of them die
of old age; the Northwestern Fur Com
pany are the crate undertakers of the
coon family.
feel sorry for the coons, for with a
trihe more brains they would make re-
spectacle pettifoggers before justiss
of the peace, but even this would not
save them from final perdishun.
Natur don't make emmy mistakes after
all; she hits the bull right in the eye
every time; when she wants rackoon
with rings on his tale she makes him, and
when she wants pettifogger she knows
how to make him without splicing a
good coon.
Pettifoggers, no doubt have destiny
tew Eli, aud they may enable a justiss
of the peace, in cloudy day, to know a
good deal less Of the law than he other
wise would; still, for all that, if | wus
Obliged tew pray for the one or the other,
think should say, Civ us little more
coon and good deal less of the petit
logger. ;.
III the Rackoou would only give his
whole attention tew politicks thare
amt bit few could beat him; he's ut
home on the stump, and menny on Us
old coons can reckolekt how, In lS40,
with uoshiug but hard cider diet, be
swept the country from the north to the
south pole. like a cargo of EPSON salts.
N. Y. Weekly