The native Virginian. [volume] (Orange Court House, Va.) 1867-187?, 1869-04-30
Nv WIMMIN.
BYM ozIs uMs.s

has xnewn and luved 'em well those
menny a year, but has my ubjeckshun
to wimmin, 1t ar this-eveything a.
bout 'em is too long. Thar kote-tail is
too long it RIFLES on the groun like
runnin warter and gethers up dert and
trash like harrykane dozy doing roun
q fodder stalk. But shipp under full
sail ought to have wake, and l wood
en- hav wimmin's froks cut off to thar
waste like a jump ,jackit for pritty.
Thar shoe-stringz is too long. A man
kin war bootz 'thout no strings tall,
iXseptin NV the strops, but a wummun
is bleest to hav cossets roun her ankles
and lace 'em up like 2 par NV stays
May be it makes 'em walk mo prittier.
dunno. Thar heels NV thar shoes is
alsoe too long, and thar sox is too long
takes all day to Gror 'em on.
Thar ixtremmytis is too long. They
kin set in cheer To- doun, and kick a
man that's settin in high cheer, u
foot off in the clear, clean outen the
hous. Now Jon Ekkles nor the Beljin
jiunt, nor mar nuther man. can t do that
standin. This givs 'em ondew idvan-
tidge over thar marster, Man, in the
urly staidge NV the game. Arfter mar
ridge, the gain NV kickin is mo evener.
shall not say thar waste is too long,
onlest they dunno how to war thar
clothes good, and are pedustranated
to be ole madcs. A long barrel womun
are utto abominashun. l prefears n
Durr;nger.
Thar necks is too long. A neck NV a
wummun are like untoo the mune in
the Almenack when they says "Luner
runs low" and like the Dress NV gooce
it Embraces good deel NV the back
Eff the neck NV man were like the
neck NV a wummun, the gnott Nv his
erevatt wood rest on the pitt NV his
stummuek. When a wummun runs to
neck, she out run ennything ixsept a
OSTRICH or kamme leppud, and her
he'd har gs away out yonder like appel
on the eend NV sritch that boy is a
gointer to sling green appils with. And
IN them oasis l has absurd that whar
the he'd ar at SIGH distunce frum the
hart, the wummun is onfeelin wum-
nun. And her neck is rInkeidy.
kinnot say NV my oan Ixpeyunce
that the hands and arms NV wimmin is
too long, or why they is so, but they
ought to be 50 accordin to the lodjick
Nv man, and tharfo they must be So,
whether or no they ar so or not so.--
Thar males is certny too long-bein'
weepuns dtiensc in wimmin and katts,
tho l has nuvver bin skratcht nor
broomstickt by "a wummun. But males
in katts is calld claws, and they hides
'em so that they nuvver comes out tell
they ara gointer rip you. And then
they do it quick.
Wlmmins lungs is too long, which is
rite, lungs bein thar best holt, as Ora
Lathum wood say, and more nateraler
weepun NV ditfense than males or claws.
I've heerd CRATE deeI in my item bout
wimmins talkin, but for a ded-levvil,
hand-runnin, long-windded talk, I'll
put a man aginst 'em emmy day, Hou-
sewer, when it comes to skoldin NV
savvunt and ptickly to quorlin with
anuther wummun, men carnt cumpyar
with wimmcn. Then it is, as tire CRATE
Jummun pote, Go Ethe, sails, thar lungs
goes faster than fast as posbil, and the
souperriorryty NV the insterment is
displade in manner that must make a
good-talkin man feel ubbasht.
Thar nose is too long. You may talk
drink miel frum hoame and two
hours befo dinner, and set doun and
Get with the solemnetty NV Sockratees
eetin pizun, but faint no use-that nose
hav got you, and had you frum the mo-
munt you enterd the frunI dore. You'll
heer sumthin, may be, tumorrow or the
day arfter, and them coffy cranes you
Get at Yuker's done you no good. In
like maner her eye is too long, for it
seen you wobbil sunesi you ternd the
cornder, and thar amt plug NV tub
hacker jobbd away inside IVA shert
boosum in the bottum Nv a trunc or
dror that she don't see it like telles-
kope. Why she kin rede yo very
thoughts, and see crossword layin fiat
on the floor of your soul, fore it move.
Evry wummun is nachural clear voy-
unit.
That thar beds is too long I'm salts
fide, hayin nuyver foun a wummun yit
that couldn fool me or emmy luther man,
and the smarter the man the eezier it
is to fool him. You may say whit you
will bout the wizdum NV men and the
want NV it in wimmin, but has ubzurd
this fack, tina. wimmin don't lo9ze thar
minds in old aidge like men. They
don't git dotted ixsept in urly yewIh.-.
A snarcastick man would say that VIM
min have little mind to looze, and thar
70 they hangs onto it; but has ubzuvd
that, arfter they has puppytrated the
supreame folly NV marryin, they has a
good deal mo wizdum for man than
the man havs for hisself; and wimmin
is like fox-tier, they don't shine lxsept
in dark plais, and marriage is dark
enuf for most NV EN-, pc souls
Thar har is too long, tho l cant abear
wummun with short har or that parts
her har on one side--I want to kill them
one-sided wimmen whenuvver and
wharuvYer | see um-but it hangs doun
like hoss's tail and they HAYS to germ
it over thar beds evry which away like
Teller that's got big bubble handful