Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-07-02

Advice to a topper Don't let your spirits
go down.
The most difficult ascent. Getting up .
subscription.
What time do debtors dislike The time
of falling due.
An old bachelor is a traveller on life's
railroad who has entirely failed to make the
proper connections
What is the difference between a church
organist and the influenza. One stops the
noise, and the other knows the stops.
''Why don't you ask your sweetheart to
marry % Il have asked her," "What did
she say p 'Oh, I've the refusal of her"
II am very particular about my reputa
ton, sir.' sYes, you always have been
particular about trittes"
Goldfish aristocracy-A set Of fools who
think more of themselves than better people
think Of them.
Grants initials indicate the course to be
pursued when applying to him for an office.
u. S. Gu Send Greenbacks.
The concluding words Of Mormon obit-
nary notice at Utah are very pathetic He
leaves thirteen widows and fifty -four chill
dEen to mourn his loss"
Don't you think, dear Julia, that Ara
minta has such sweet hair 7" eyes; and no
wonder, for you know she fastens it with a
honeycomb!"
There is man in Chicago who possesses
so remarkable memory that he is employ
ed by the various benevolent societies to ''re-
member the poor
A Washington paper describes beautiful
young lady as having a face painter might
dwell upon That would be delightful
residence.
A debating society had under eonsidera-
ton the question, "Is it wrong to cheat .
lawyer ?" The decision arrived at was, "No,
but.inpossible.
"Good morning, Mr.. Pecksniff," sale
printer in search Of female compositors. -
Have you any daughters who make good
type-setters mo; but have Il wife WHIT
would make very fine devil"
RECIPE EoE BEING UNIVERSALLY BELOVED
Lend, and never ask to be paid; make
presents, give treats, bear and forbear, dc
every body Il good turn, hold your peace
and suffer yourself to be cheated.
Young Lady.-'Oh! I am so glad you
like birds which kind do you admire most z
Old SQUAD .-"Well, [ think the goose
with plenty of stufhng, is about as good a
any"
The servant Of an army officer one day me
crony, who inquired of him how he got a
long with his fiery master. 90, excellent
ly," answered the servant, 1--WE live on very
friendly terms every morning we beat eacl
others coats the only difference is, he take
bis off TO be beaten. and | keep mine on "
4 crazy man having got into the CALLER.
of the United States Senate during . ramb
ling debate was taken out, the Sergeant a
Arms tel ling him that he was out Of place
in the gallery. That's So" said the luna
tic. II ought to be on the floor among thu
senators.
An Indian being asked what he did for ;
living, replied: "Oh, ne preach Preach
said a bystander. "Whar do you get pai(
for preaching ~ 'Sometimes me- get a shl
lin sometimes two shillin'" ''And ism
that mighty poor pay?" "Oh. yes but it,
mighty poor preach"
An honest Dutchman in training up hi
son in the way, he should go. frequently
exercised him in Bible lessons On one O
these occasions he asked him .yho it va
dat you'd not shlcep NIT Botifer's wife %
''Shoseph.'
Oats a coot boy. Vel vot vas the rca
son he would not shleep nit her p
"Don't know; shpose he wasn't SLEEPY.
AN EQUIvocAL ANswER.-A certain liter
airy gentleman, wishing to be undisturbec
one day, instructed his Irish servant to admi
no one, and if any one inquired for him tt
give an 'equivocal answer" Night came
and the gentleman proceeded to interrogat.
Pat as to his callers:
did any one call? p
Eyes, sur, wan gintleman."
"What did he say 2"
''He axed was yer honor in ?"
"Well, what did you tell him?"
'.Sure, gev him quivvikle answer jist.
.'How was that? p
II axed him was his Grandmother +;
monkey"
A MARRIAGE MAKER When Professor
Aytoun was making proposals for marriage
to his first wife-a daughter of the celebra
ted Professor Willson-the lady reminded
him that it would be necessary to ask the
approval Of her sire.
Certainly" said Aytoun; 'but as I an
a little dif6dcnt in speaking to him on this
subject, you must just go and tell him my
proposals yourself"
The lady proceeded to the library, ant
t,kins her father affectionately by the hand
mentioned that Professor Aytoun had asket
her to become his WIFE She added: Shall
I accept his offer, papa? He says he is to-
difident to name the subject to you himself
.'Then," said old Christopher, II ha,
better write hay reply and pin it to you
back"
He did so, and the lady returned to thu
drawing The anxious sutton read th'
answer to his message, which was in thes
word, "With the authors compliments"