The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1869-09-04
THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.

SOSA OAAA<ANUS tAFE nSSs
The Raccoon and the Pettyfogger.
The Raccoon is a resident ov the United States
ov America; he emigrated tew this country soon
after its discovery by Columbus, without cent,
and nothing but his claws to get living with
He is one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide
is worth more than all the rest ov him.
he resides among the heavy timber, and Guilt
Yates the corn6elds and nabring garden sass for
sustenance, and understands his Dizziness.
Hiz family consists ov q wife and three chill.
dren. who all live with him on the inside Of a
tree.
he can alwus be found at home during the
day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are
devoted to looking after his own affairs
He dresses in soft fur, and his tail, which IL
round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the
tail IL. and are worn upon all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into
hard not and lays down BY hiz Preside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew
see how the chickens have wintered
Hix life is ~ free from labor az q new penny
and hit wasn't for the dogs and the rest ov man
KIND, the raccoon would find what everybody else
haz lost-a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and then the men skin
him, and what there is left ov him amt worth a
cuss.
He is not natural vsgabond like the hedge.
hog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized
and live amung folks; but he has one vice that
the smartest missionary on earth kant redeem.
and that liz the art NV stealing
lie IL second only tew the crow in petit lar
ceny, and he will steal what he kant eat nor
hide.
lie will tip over barral ov apple sass lust for
the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet and
Will pull out the plug out ov the molassis, not
beksuse he luvs sugar emmy better than he duz
young duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis hnz
got good daub to it,
hav studded animal deviltry for eighteen
years. Dekause the more deviltry in an animal
the more human he il.
can't find, by searching the passenger list.
that Noah had coon on board, but am willing
tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sassage that mister
coon and hiz wife committed, by stealing a ride.
never knu raccoon tew want ennything
long that he could steal quick.
Ennyboddy, who haz ever looked a coon right
square in the face, will bet yu dollar that he is
dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bon DIS.
not tew so into the Dizziness for the next ninety
days.
1 hav had tame coons by the dozen they are
az eazy tew tame child, if YOU take them
young enuff, but kant advise nnyboddy to cul-
tlvate coons, they want as mulch looking after az
blind mule on a tow path, and thar amt enny
more profit in them than thar liz in stock diyi-
dend on the Erie Railroad
never waZ out ov pet animal since kan re-
member, till now, but have gone out of the
trade forever; lately discovered that it waz
good deal like making whissell out oy k,ts
tale, running comfortable tale, and reapnp
kursid mean whissell.
Rackcocns liv to be 60 years old, if thew miss
the society ov men and dogs epuff, but thar amt
but few ov them die ov old age; the northwest
ern fur company are the CRATE undertakers of the
coon family.
feel sorry for coons, for with trife more
brains, they would make respectable psttifoggers
before justiss ov the peace but even this would
not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don't make emmy mistakes, after all she
hits the bull right in the eye every time; when
she wants raccoon, with rings on hiz tail, she
makes him, aud when she wants pettyforrer.
she knows how to make him without splicing a
good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav destiny tew fill.
and they may enable justiss ov the peace, in
cloudy day, tew know good deal less of the law
than he otherwise would still, for all this, if I
waz obliged tew pray for one, or the other. |
think now should say, Civ US leetle more coon.
and good deal less pettyfogger.
II the coon would only give his whole atten-
shun few politicks, thar amt but few could beat
him he's at home on the stump, and menny on
US, old cOons, kan reckolekt how, in 1910, with
nothing but hard cider diet, he swept the coun
try, from the north to the south POLE like car
go ev epson salts.