Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1869-08-25
The Perils of Drinking Bad Whisky.
From the Georgia oonatitntionalist.l

[From the Georgia Constitutionalist1
Many years ago when the state of Geor
eia was in its infancy, one of the Circui
, Judges was Bella Brown an ancestor of tht
recent Fssecesh" Governor of that NAME
He was man ofability and integrity, bu
like a good many distinguished persons o
that day, he loved social glass; and when
ever the members of the bar would turn
IN and help, he sometimes drank to ex
cess and became gloriously fuddled
Or one occasion while travelling on cir
cult, he reached the village of Dayton, il
Dooly county, where the court was tc
F be opened next Gay, and took quarters
with O relative of his wife, that lady accom-
panying him. After supper Judge Brown
strolled over to the only tavern in the
place. kept by one Sterritt, where he met q
number of his legal friends. A convivial
evening was passed; drinks frequently
went round, and somewhere about mid
night, the Honorable Bella was in a state OF
mind quite the reverse of that implied by
the old saw, 'fSober as a Judge" When
he was leaving for home one of the young
lawyers, in spirit of mischief, slyly passed
some spoons from the tumblers into the
Judges pocket.
On dressing himself next morning, the
eccentric official, putting his hand into his
pocket, was greatly perplexed in discover
ing three or four silver spoons.
MY God! Polly" said he to his wife,
'.just look here, [ believe I've stolen some
Of Sterritts spoons p
'Lets see them" says the wife, eyes,
sure enough-here's his verirable initials
Pray how did you happen to have them in
your pocket?"
81 think [ must have been drunk when [
came home, wasn't II" inquired the Judge.
eyes, replied the devoted Polly, ''you
know your old habit when you get among
those lawyers" ..a
Certainly; can understand easy enough
how it all came about. That fellow, Ster-
ritt, keeps the meanest liquor in the State:
but never supposed that to drink it would
make man steal p
The spoons were duly returned to the
landlord, and the Judge went and opened
his court, thinking no more about the mat
| ter. Several days elapsed, and the bust
ness Of the court was drawing to a close
when one morning a rough looking custom
er was arraigned before His H2nor for lar
ceny. He pleaded guilty, but said in miti-
cation that he was drunk at the time of
committing the offence.
''What is the nature of the charge against
| the man ?" inquired Judge Brown.
STEALING money from the till at Ster
ritt's tavern, replied the clerk.
''Young man," said the Judge, solemnly,
''are you sure you was intoxicated when
you took this money ?"
eyes, your Honor, ] was so Jolly drunk
that things looked like they were dancing
double shuffies, and when went out doors
the ground kept coming up and hitting me
in the head"
''rhat will do, )" replied the Judge. 'fBut
tell me, did you get all the liquor you
drank at Sterritt's ?''-
every drop of it, your Honor"
'Ard SO you got tipsy on his liquor, and
| then stole his money ?"
''That's it exactly; / didn't know what [
was doing"
Turning to the prosecuting attorney, the
worthy magistrate said: 'sThis is a most
extraordinary case, Mr.. Attorney, and one,
[ think, demanding the clemency of the
Court. You will, therefore, do me the
favor Of entering 7aole PROSE-. That liquor
OF SterrItts, | have reason to know, is
mean enough to make a man do anything
dirty. | got drunk on it myself the other
night, and stole all his spoons. If Ste1itt
will sell such abominable stuff, he ought
not to have the protection Of this court,
You may release the prisoner, Mr.. Sheriff" /"
Speech Of Zacharian Spicer.
On the question, (Which enjoys tae
greatest amount Of happiness the bachelor
or the married man ?"
Mr. President and Gentlemen, I rise to
advocate the cause of the married man.
And why should [ not? I claim to know
| something about the institution do.
! Will any gentleman pretend to say do
not? Let him accompany me home. Let
me confront him with my wife and seven
! teen small children, and decide.
| High as the Rocky Mountains tower
above the Mississippi Valley, does the mar
ried man tower above that of the bachelor
! What was Adam before he got acquainted
with Eve? What but a poor, shiftless,
helpless creature? No more to becompared
with his after self than mill dam to the
roaring cataract of Niagara. (Applause.)
Gentlemen there was a time, I blush to
say, when [ was bachelor; and q more
miserable creature you could hardly expect
to find. Every day toiled hard, and at
night I came home to my comfortless gar
ret-no carpet, no fire, no nothing. Ev-
erything was in q clutter and in the words
OF the poet
Confusion was monarch of all / surveyed
Here lay a pair of dirty pants. there
dirty pair of boots, there dirty play bill
and here pile of dirty clothes What
wonder that took refuge at the gaming
table and bar-room. I found it would new
er do, gentlemen, and in a lucky moment
[ vowed to reform. Scarcely had the prom
ise passed my lips, when a knock was
heard at my door, and in came Susan
Simpkins after my dirty clothes.
s'Mr Spicer," says she, GIVE washed for
you for six months, and I haven't seen the
first red cent in the way of payment. Now
I'd like to know what you are going to do
about it."
I felt in my pocketbook. There was
nothing in it, and I knew it well enough.
Miss Simpkins, said l, 'it's no use
denying it, I haven't got the stamps.
wish for your sake had"
Then" said she, promptly, 81 don't
wash another rag for you
''Stop," said l. Susan, I will do the
best I can for you. Greenbacks I have
none; but if my heart and hand will do,
they are at your service
care you in earnest" says she, looking a
little suspicious.
''Never more so, says I.
Then" says she, ''as there seems to be
no prospect Of getting my pay any other
way I guess I'll take up with your offer. %
Enough, said l.. We were married in O
week; and what's more, we haven't had
cause to repentit. No more attics for me,
gentlemen. live in a good house and
have somebody to mend my Clothes
When I was a poor, miserable bachelor,
gentlemen, used to be as thin as a wea-
sell Now I am as plump as poker.
In conclusion, gentlemen, if you want
to be poor, ragged fellow, without coat
to your back or shoe to your feet; if you
want to grow old before your time, and I'M
comfortably generally as a ''hedgehog
rolled up the wrong way, advise you to
remain bachelor; if you want to live de-
Gently and respectfully, get married. I've
got ten daughters, gentlemen, (overwhel-
ming applause), and you may have your
pick.
Mr.. Spicer sat dawn amid loud and con-
tinued plaudits. The generous proposal
with which he concluded secured him five
sons-in-law.
LETTER WRITER'S state that Mr. Russell
Gurney's bill in the British parliament fol
the Protection of the Property of Married
Women" will probably become law. Il
l-,,o ,J<Oe fo1s, 4.