Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-02-26

II the SOIL and the season but suit,
Will ripen when summer arrives,
And yield up its generous fruit.
HumOr.
A WAR INc1DENr.-The Cincinnati Com
mercial has the following anecdote
A little fellow presented himself at head
quarters one day, and solicited commits
sion.
"Have you seen service" sternly demand
ed Mr.. Senator Henry Wilson, Of Massa-
seets. who happened to be present.
"Yes, Colonel, I was in the three months
service"
"Were you at the battle of Bull Run p
II was, Colonel"
''Now Henry has delicate-very delicate
vein of humor in him. It is not suf1-
Gent consistency to carry laugh, but Hen
ry enjoys it. So, winking to the Staff, Hen
ry asked:
and did you run we'll? Did you run
well %
II used due diligence, Colonel; I did the
best | could, but could not keep up with
you in that hack p
There was great laugh, and Henry
laughed too, for he thought the merriment
was caused by his exquisite humor. And so
it was.
A CouRr ScENE-Enter Jury with YER
dict, awe find the prisoner, Can Irishman }
guilty Of murder in the first degree, and also
would recommend him to the clemency of
the court"
The Judge after pronouncing the death
sentence, addressed Pat as follows:
"You have heard your sentence, but be-
ing an old man, the Court grants you the
privilege of choosing for yourself the manner
of death"
Faith" said Pat. "You can't be in ear
nest!"
"By my henor as Jud &C." was the reply.
"Och," said Pat, land then I'll be after
choosing to die by good old age in my bed.
A modern philosopher has appropriated
mans full extreme as follows:
7years in childhoods sport and play 7
years in school from day to day IA
years at trade, or college life 21
years to find place and wife %
years to pleasures follies given IS
7 years to business hardly driven ~
years for some wild goose chase 40
years for wealth, bootless race Sc
years for boarding for your heir SO
years in weakness spend, and care 70
Then die and go-you should know where
Here is the aspiration breathed oy typo
graphically outraged poet:
wish l had that editor
About half minute;
I'd bang him to my hearts content
And with an h begin it;
I'd jam his body, eyes and bones,
And spell it with d,
And send him to that hill of his
He spells it with an e.'
"My DEAR" said husband to his wife
on railroad coach" are you comfortable in
the corner there p
"Oh, very snug"
Don't you feel cold?"
"Not the least"
''Does your window shut tight ?"
Eyes, very, thank you"
"Well come, let US swap seats!'
A Coop JoKB.-An Irishman, and an
Englishman, riding through the suberbs
of London, passed the usual place of execu-
ton, and seeing gallows. for joke on Pat,
quoth the EnglishmarF::
"Give that gallows its due, and where
would you be ?"
"Faith, " says Pat, II would be after 60
ing back to the city all by myself"
In one of our large cities, short time
ago, Western editor was met by a friend
who, taking him by the hand, exclaimed !:
II am DELI GIFTED to see you" How long are
you going to stay?" |'Why, I think" said
the editor, II shall stay while my money
lasts" elbow disappointed I am said his
friend, II hoped you was going to stay day |
or two"
A gentleman was speaking at dinner
party at which were assembled several brilliant |
conversationists. He said that, though not |
protesting to be man of "infnite jest at ia
Bile, he was, nevertheless. "a good square
feeder" 70 which a thin bystander, whose |
named was Van, replied, II suppose then,
if not man Of infinite jest, you may fairly |
consider yourself a man Of infinite diigestt"
"Aw!" exclaimed an English cockney to |
Western traveller in English, speaking |
aw of the law of primogeniture, ave YOU hen |
tail in Amerwica 7" "Hentail p' said the |
American, looking at his interrogation curl
ously; mo, sir. We have the cocktail in |
America, and a very popular drink it is"
A lady somewhat advanced in wears,
whose vlyacity sometimes approached the
border of impertinence, asked an old man. in
rather jeering tone, why he was always
dressed in black, and what he wore mourn
ing for SO constantly. "For your charms,
madame" be gallantry replied.
Il say, ma" exclaimed little mink of
thirteen, lido you know what the pyrotech-
meal remedy is for crying infant?' ezra
cious goodness me, no; never heard of
such thing" "Well, ma, it's rocket"
II man fail to the amount of a million, it
is all right-he is gentleman but let him
fail to the amount of his board bill, oh, then
he is scoundrel. Quite an epitome of So
ciety, like an inverted cone-tbe wrong end
uppermost.
Zeno, che philosopher, believed in irovita-
BILE destiny. His servant ayailed himself of
this doctrine while being beaten for theft,
by exclaiming, "Was not destined to rob %
"Yes." replied Zeno. "and to be corrected
Also"
"You bachelors ought to be taxed" said
q lady to q resolute evader of the matrimo-
NAL moose. II agree with you, madam"
was the reply: bachelorism is great lux
ury."
Definitions from new school-book =