Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-05-28

it is q little bear.
AN Alabama newspaper announces that
payment is received in dogs.
To keep out of debt, acquire the reputation
of rascal and no one viii trust you.
WHr does a person whois poorly lose his
sense Of touch? Because he don't feel well.
''Too much Of thegood thing, as the kitten
said, when she fell into the milk pail
Wny are a pin and poker Ike a blind
man Because they have head and no eyes.
WHEN are card players Ike the Spanish
Kevolutionsts? When they throw out the
Queen.
IF you want a scolding wife trust to time;
old age may bring to you the blessing of deaf
ness.
$50 to the ant thou sluggard, yet there
are many idle poor who prefer to go to their
uncle.
A YOUNG man married girl rather than
be shot by her brother-thinking a miss
better than a hit.
SOMEBODY asks if the ''slips" in our
churches have anything to do with the back
sliding oftheir members.
Be timely wise, rather than wise in time,
for alter-wisdom is ever accompanied with
tormenting wishes.
Why IS the man who deals in stale jokes
like stock cobler? Because he depends on
fuu-dead property.
IT is folly TO eat without an appetite, or
continue to eat after it has been satisfied,
merely to crafty the taste.
THE Indians are setting upon their reserya-
tions. It's suggested that they should after
wards be fenced in.
A THIEF. who lately broke open a grocers
warehouse, excused himself on the plea that
he only went to take tea.
PAR8GRApHs relating to women are inserted
in the Vicksburg Herald under the Head of
GIeciau Bend Bureau.
''YoURE free booter, said a gentleman
to an euraged party who kicked him in the
heat of an argument.
Tue man who was "overGoving with the
milk of human kindness, kept the cream for
his own use.
THERE now, said little girl while ruma-
ging drawer in a bureau, grandpa has gone
to heaven without his spectaoles.
WHAT is the difference between barber
and mother? One has razors to shave, and
the other has sbavers to raise.
A TOMBSTONE in Maine, erected to the
memory of wife, bears the inscription:
''Tears cannot restore her therefore weep"
It was an apt answer of a young lady who,
being asked where was her native place, re-
piled: 81 have none am the daughter of a
methodist minister
A CERTAIN little damsel, having been ag-
grayated beyond endurance by her big brother,
pumped down upon her knees and cried, 80
Lord bless my brother Tom. He lies, he
steals, he swears; all boys do-us girls don {.
Amen :"
SrEAElHG Of shaving, said pretty girl to
an obstinate old bachelor, ] should think that
a pair of handsome eyes would be the best
mirror to shave by. Yes, many poor fel-
low has been shaved by them, the wretch re-
Piled
Two Irishmen were one day engaged in
roofing house, one of them lost his hold
aud fell to the ground The other hastened
to him and inquired, when be found him ly-
ing prostrate and still, mickey Mickey, are
ye dead ?'' "No," replied Mickey, mot
dead but speachless -
Az old miser, who was notoriously parsi-
monious, being i'll. was obliged relunctau1y
to consult doctor ''What shall do with
my head ~ said the old man, 'Tts so dizzy
seem to see double" The doctor wrote a
prescription and retired ;-"When you see
double, you will find reliefto count your mon
oy
Az old lady on a steamboat observed two
men pumping up water to wash the deck, and
the captain being near, she accosted him as
follows: "Well Captain, got well aboard,
eh p eyes, ma'am, always carry one, said
the polite captain. "Well, that's clever.
always dislike this nasty river. water, especially
in dog days
TnE following dialogue, which took place
in a street car is too good to be lost. One of
a couple Of Teutonic gentlemen sitting in one
end of the car, seeing Gashy dressed fellow
come in and take his seat at the opposite end
from where they were sitting, asked: "Who
ish dat, Hans?'' ooh, dstish a shport," ''Vat
you call shport, aye?'' ''You not know vat
shport ish, aye?" 'No. vat ish he?" oval,
he ish one of der fsllers vat shave all de hair
off a pig, and cover him all over NIT soap,
and bet green Dutchmsn five dollars he
can catch him. y
TIE following dialogue actually took place,
short time since, between visiting exami-
ner and pupil at school near Salisbury;
''Now, then, the first boy of the grammar
class
First Boy-'Here be, zir
Examiner-''Well my good boy can you
tell me what the vowels areqi
| First Boy-'vowls, zir, yes, Of course /
can
Examiner-'sTell me, then, what are vow
els ~
First Boy-''vovls, zir, why p0,pls be eaiel