Lamoille newsdealer. [volume] (Hyde Park, Vt.) 1860-1877, 1869-05-04
my UNFORTUNATE Nose.

| think life would be different thing
to me had | no nose. When you consider
that there are twenty disagrecable odors
to enc sweet one, you will be at no loss
10 understand my meaning; aud yet, az
ter all, when we come to definitions, your
pleasant smell might be a very noisome to
me. Your tobacco, Sir, for instance; or
your "patchoule," Madam, or your musk.
Then turnips or cabbage, in process OF
cooking, may not cause you to throw up
the window. Beefsteak smoke, CT
mutton-chop smoke, or buckwheat-cake
smoke, may render yom quite happy in
prospect, while | only sigh for that far
off millennium when cooking shall be in
odorous. Stay! meant to except
coffee. Hail coffce--rain coffee, if you
will. All! | would keep perpetual pot
of coffee steaming on my kitchen range.
Tea smells nice and tastes WE'LL | sup
pose, to its lovers, for whom | have little
resnect. In truth VII N | reflect how my
nose curtails my daily bill of fare, | am
lost in wonder, and my butcher no doubt
also marvels at its monotony. The whole
family Of Frys, for an instance, except a
gentleman I once knew Of that name. are
odous to my olfactories.
In the millennium | speak Of, no cook
will allow bone TO be singed on the fire,
or milk to boil over upon the stove; for
let her know that up three, four, yea,
five pair of stairs, / shall Immediately be
apprised of the same by this my watchful
member. Let her not dream that her
cousin, or uncle, or male "follower" Of
any degree, can smoke, or even light his
pipe, in the kitchen, without giving me
: an impulse toward the bell-wire. Let nc
grocer boy or ice-man fondly hope to retain
the clcatal spark, while he briefly depos.
, its his wares in my kitchen and if Ter.
ence O"Flahcrty thinks he can shovel Goa
into my cellar and smoke at the same time
although | may be knec-deep in "an arti
Gle" at the top Of the house, Terence has
reckoned without his hostess.
l know you are sorry for me-. | an
sorry for myself, because it is obvious
that forty times day must suffer nasa
, crucifxion | get comfortable seat il
church, or concert-room, or lecture-hall
In comes Apollo and sits down at my el
=, bow, in that close, unventilated place, ant
finishes the process of strangulation, will
dead tobacco smoke in his clothes anC
hair. l am quite willing some other lad.
should admire him.
But there is a bright side to this nos
question. | defy you, who don't min'
tobacco, or the odor Of cooking-cabbage
which is much the same thing to revel il
: Il rose, or violet, or lily, or a sprig o
heliotrope, or mignonette as | shall.
defy you to so into wood after rain
and detect, as shall, every delicate am
individual odor; from the scores Of littl
\ unseen flowers hiding away under roots 0
trees, and in patches of moss, and in ere
vices of old gray rocks. There-l hay
;. the better ofyou, for that too briefheaver
+ Alas! am very unfortunate. Their
are my ears, too. The squeaking of
y door, the drumming Of idle fingers on
table, or tapping of idle feet on the floor
the seraping of knife on bad penc
point, the clipping ofonc's fngernails wit
scissors. the continuous biting Of an appl
> in my presence, the humming Of the sam
idle tune, the sharp winding of clock Q
watch--I fear you will cease to respeC
y me when say that have mediate
" murder in "the first degree" for the pei
= petrators thereof.
It it is any palliation of my crime th'
- am cold from head to foot when | hea
- sweet music or that the trill of lit
bird sends tear to my eyes and pray'
!. 10 my lips, confess also to this veal
ness. l am quite wiling, too, you shouI
: ask, as does Mr.. Smith, fifty times weel
e "Fanny, do you think there ever was
u. woman born into the world exactly Ill
ut uou 2" whatever condemnation that que
rt ton may imply for me or--the rest of n
n. sex. FANNY FERN.