Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-12-10
SllliaQfnNa.
wHY is dog tail like old ageY because

Why is a dogs tail like the dress Of dan
dy2 Because it finishes of puppy.
WY is a dog tail Ike the heart Of tree?
Because it is fuTthest from the bark.
Why is a dog biting bis own taillike a good
measure 2 Because be makes both ends meet.
WHAr is the difference between miser-
man Of al work and dogs tail? The one
leads dogs life, aad the other follows it.
WHAr is the difference between Queen
Victoria and dogs tail The one keeps a
coach, and the other keeps a Eaggin.
WaY is the locking of the church doors, af-
ter all have gone, like dogs tall Because
the main body going of, that naturally fol-
lows.
A YlcKsBuEG gentleman was found in a
neighbor's chicken coop, with the head of a
pullet sticking out Of a hole iu his tall hat.
On being asked how the feathered songster
got there, he said "the blasted thing must
have crawled up my trowsers leg" he was
reprimanded with boot.
A MAGISTRATE, ceusuring some boys for
lettering in the street, asked: "If everybody
were to stand in the streets, how could any.
body get by2a 'Why, by standing aside, to
be sure and letting EN- pass !" said one of
the boys. ANY one but justice OF the peace
would know that" The Justice Wilted.
A Raw Jonathan who bad been gazing at a
garden in the vicinity Of New York, in which
were several marble statues, exclaimed :
"Just see what waste Here's no less than
six scare crows in this little ten-foot patch,
and any one on EN- would keep the crows
from five acre lot.
t'SEvENTY-FIvE cents per gal. - exclaimed
Mrs. Partingdon on looking over the price
cnrrent. "Wby bless me, what is the world
coming to, when the gals are valued at sew
enty Eve cents - The old lady pulled of
her spectacIes. threw down the paper and
went into q brown study on the want Of a
proper appreciation of the true value of the
female gender.
A CHICAGO paper tells q story of election
night, which it thinks shows the enterprise
Of the young Chicagoans. A parcel Of boys
were seen getting together the materials for a
bonfire. When they were asked what was
the news they replied they had none. eve
don't dabble 10 politics. We built the fire so
that when the news comes in we can sell it
out to the side that beats"
SAKE, the joker and poet, was once taking
a trip on a steamer, when he fell IN with a
lively young lady, to whom he made himself
very agreeable. OF course, he made an i'm.
preston upon the damsel, who said at part
ing, Good bye, Mr.. SAKE; fear you Il soon
be forgetting me" Sab, miss, said the in
yeterate punster, "if was not married
man already, you may be sure I'd be for get
ting you"
my dear what shall we name Bub ~
"Why, husband, Ihave settled on the name
of Peter"
"Ob, don't" he replied, 81 never liked
Peter for he denied his master.
''WeIl, then" replied the wife, 'what
name do you like ?''
u should like the name of Joseph"
"0h. not that, /" replied she, II can't bear
Joseph for lie denied his mistress"
Bridget Bridget why don't you bring
up the lemonade?" said Mrs. S., on the 4th
of July, from the top of the kitchen stairs.
"Why, marm, said Bridget, wiping the
sweat from her red face with her checked
apron, as she put her head round the stair
case partition-"Why, marm, you see the ice
put in the lemonade is so hard that it hasn't
melted yet, though it's stirring it over the
fro I've been for the last fifteen minutes or
mcrel"
A Coon IDEA, But Too LATE.-The old
gentleman came home from church euthusi-
astic. He found Frank instigating small
dog and large cat to enter the ring.
'sWhy, Frank, he said, "how can you
stay away frem church have heard one of
the most delightful sermons ever delivered
before a Christian society 1t carried me to
the gates Of Heaven.
"Wel 1 think, " replied Frank, you had
better have lodged il, for you will never
have another chance"
A DRY genius who has occasion to visit
town daily from one Of the ''rural districts
recently PASSED farm house near which the
oceupant had been butcheripg something less
tha2 dozen very small pigs, the result of
the days labor being hung up on long pole
facing the street Cur genius deliberately
stopped his team, and asked the farmer what
he was doing? "Butcheringl" wes the quick
reply "Oh, says the driver, Il thought
you we're dipping eandles and he FASTENED
his horses into trot-to make up for lost
time
Nor MARRIED.-In one Of the Courts,
very pretty young lady appeared as a witness.
Her testamony was likely to result unfortu-
nately for the client Of pert young lawyer,
who addressed her very superciliously with
the inquiry
you are married, believer"
E "No, sir"
Only wish to p
Really, don't know Would you advise
such a step?"
"oh, certainly Fan married man my
self"
is it possible? l never should have
thought 1t. Is your wife blind Or deaf?"
II is scarcely necessary to add that the dis
com6ted attorney did not vouchsafe reply.
AsKISG DIRECTIoNs. -" Can you direct me
to the Hotel? inquired a gentleman
with a carpet bag of burly Hibernian stand
ing on the steps Of the railway station.
Faith, was the reply, Fits just I that
can do that same. You see, you jist go up
this strate till you come to Thady O'Mulli-
gan's shop. Then you"
but don't know where Thady O'Mulli-
gan's shop is"
''Oh, faith, why didn't think of that
Weh, then, your honor must kape on till you
get to the apple-womsn's stand. on the cor
uer Of the brick church it is, and kape on the
right and 90 till "a cat - tba 49,, sc a.. L..