The Plymouth Democrat. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1869-1941, 1869-09-09
Mark Twain's SalutatOry.

In entering upon his editorial duties
Mark Twain thus salutes the readers of the
Buffalo Express:
Being stranger, it would he immolest
and unbeCOming in me to suddenly and
violently assume the associate editOrship
of the Buffalo Express without single ex-
planatOry word of comfort or encourage
ment to the unoffending patrons of the
paper, who are about to be exposed to
constant attacks of my wisdom and learn
ing. But this explanatory word shall be
as brief as possible. onl y wish to assure
parties having a friendly interest in the
prosperity of the journal, that am not
going to hurt the paper deliberately and in
tentionally at any time l am not going
TO introduce any startling reforms, or
in any way attempt to make trouble.
am simply going to do my plain, unpre-
tending duty, when | cannot get out Of it.
shall work diligently and honestly and
faithfully at all times and upon all occa-
sions, when privation and want shall COM
pei me to do it in writing / shall always
cOnfine myself strictly to the truth except
when it Is attended with inconvenience; |
shall witherlngly rebuke all forms of crime
and misconduct, except when committed
by the party inhabiting my own vest; |
shall not make use of any slang or vulgari-
ty upon any occasion or under any Circum-
stances, and shall never use profanity ex-
cept in discussing house-rent and taxes.
Indeed, upon second thought, | will not
even use it then, for it is unchristian, in
elegant and degrading-though to speak
truly do not see how house rent and
taxes are going to be discussed worth a
cent without it. / shall not often meddle
with politics, because we have political
editor who is already excellent, and only
needs to serve term in the penitentary
in order to be perfect. l shall not write
any poetry, unless | conceive spite against
the subscribers
Such is my platform. 1 do not see any
earthly use in it, but custom is law, and
custom must be Obeyed, no matter how
much violence it may do to ones feelings.
And this custom which | am siavishly
following now is surely one of the least
necessary that ever came into vogue. In
private life man does not go and trumpet
his crime before he commits it, but now
your new editor is such an important per-
sonage that he feels called upon to write
salutatory" at once, and he puts into
it all he knows, and all that he don't know,
and some things he thinks lie knows but
isn't certain of. And he paradcs his list of
wonders which he is going to perlorm of
reforms which he is going to Introduce,
and public evils which he is going to cxter-
inmate, and public blessings which he is
going to create, and public nuisanccs
which he is going to abate. He spreads
this all out with oppressive solemnity over
a column and n half of large print, and
feels that the country is saved. His salts
faction over it is something enormous He
then settles down to his miracles and in
fl;cts profound platitudes and impenetra-
BILE wisdom upon helpless public rs long
rs they can stand it, and then they send
him off Consul to some savage island in the
Pacific in the vague hope that the canni-
balls will like him well enough to eat
him. And with an inhuinanity which is
but a fitting climax to his career of perse-
cution, instead of packing his trunk at
once, he fingers to inflict upon his benefac-
tors a "Valedictory" Ifthere is anything
more uncalled for than "salutatOry," it is
one of those fearful, blubbering, long
wInded valedictOrics wherein man
who has been annoying the public for ten
years cannot take leave of them without
sitting down to cry column and q half
and custom should be respected. In my
secret heart admire my predecessor for
declining to printa valedictory, though in
public l say and shall continue to say
sternly, it is custom and he ought to have
printed one People never read them any
more than they do the "salutatories," but
nevertheless he ought to have honored the
old lossil-he ought to have printed a vale
dictory. l said as much to him, and he re-
Piled
81 have resigned my place. have de-
parted this life-Tm Enthusiastically dead,
at present, ain'tI?"
"Yes"
"Wefl, wouldn't you consider it dis
graceful in corpse to sit up and comment
on the funeral?"
record it here, and preserve it from
oblivion, as the briefest and best "Vale-
dictory" that has yet come under my no
ticc. MARK TWAIN.
p. 81 am grateful for the kindly way
in which the press of the land have taken
notice of my eruption into regular jour
nalistic life, Geographically or editorially,
and am happy in this place to express the
feeling