davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-11-03

When in Aberdeen, DIR. johnson
dined witha clergyman, the soup being
''hotch potch." The lady Of the house,
after having served him once, asked if
he would take some more. The gruff
and stern moralist and outspoken social
bear, replied, at is dish for hogs,
madame" ''Take little more, then,'
was the immediate and appropriate
reply.
There was some snow at Philadelphia,
New York and Boston last Thursday
afternoon.
James M. Wilson, of Indiana, one Of
the Pacific Railroad Commissioners, has
resigned.
Seizures have been made of large
lot of tobacco transported from Virgin
la as eggs, packed in Trunks and boxes
The third London life insurance com
pany that has failed within six months
is the Imperial Guardian"
Able McMaster, the distinguished
Catholic publicist of New York, being
asked whether it was true that he had
had an interview with Father Hyacin.
the, replied, "Not by id sight
Wheatley, of Niblo's Garden, who
gave the world the ''Black Crook" and
.'White Fawn," has joined the Method.
list Church.
Vermont has Willoughby Lake
which, as it refuses to show soundings
at nine hundred feet, some of the ma.
tives think the bottom has fallen out
A butting match is to be one of the
features of a negro tournament in Ten,
nessee.
Forrest is going to take his hundredti
farewell of the stage" shortly.
North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-11-03

Tom asked an old "ten-per-cent" what
he wanted to accumulate so much money
for. Says he, You can't take itwith
you when you die, and if you could it
would melt
North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-11-03


NO. 2e....Nervous debility, with its
many attendants, low spirits, depression,
involuntary emissions, loss of semen, spcr.
matorrhGa, loss of power, dizzy head, loss
of memory and threatened impotence and
imbecility, find sovereign cure in Hum
phrey's Homeopathic Specific No. Twenty
eight. Composed of the most valuable
mild and potent Curatives, they strike at
once at the root Of the matter, tone up the
system, arrest the discharges, and impart
vigor and energy, life and vitality to the
entire man. They have cured thousands
of eases. Price S. per package of six boxes
and vial, which is very important in obstin-
ate OF old cases, or 81 per single box. Sold
by All Druggists, and sent by mail on re-
ceipt of price. Address Humphreys
Specific Homeopathic Medicine Co., 562
Broadway. New York. 632y
North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-11-03

A Missionary just returned, says he
regards ".0hnsons Liniment' as beyond
all price, and eficacious beyond any other
medicine. 1t is adapted to a great variety
of special cases, and is the best pain
killer in the world.
North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-11-03
Medical Hobbies.

Medical Hobbies.
Disease dwells upon the fair plains
and along the bright rivers of earth.
Death is reaping with rapid strokes a
bountiful harvest and while our ener-
gies are spent in evading, as long as may
be, the sweep of his sickle, we look anx-
iously toward the world of medicine.
But, alas. every 'pathy" becomes a
hobby, ridden with zeal by both physic-
ian and patients. The "Old School"
ridicules the theory of "SIMILIA SINH
LIBUs cURANTUR," dixie things are
cured by like,) and grows mirthful and
witty at the expense of high dilutions
and tiny pellets; while the advocates of
infinitesimals turn their anathemas upon
bleeding and blisters, calomel and fever
feeders. But 10 the Botanic" rider
reiEs up his hobby, all laden with ''roots
and herbs" and gravely informs the
disputants that he possesses panacea
for all the ills that mortals inherit or
create. While the people look wonder
ingly on to see the doctors disagree
while the sick man awaits the result
with burning brain and bounding pulse
while bells are tolling and graveyards
are filling-"Hydropathy' comes near
with her well-washed garments, cou.
demning without scruple all the sons Of
Esculapius, and promising to wash away
the physical sins of the multitude We
find in her train an enthusiastic process
sion of pale-faced bran-eaters, riding the
hobby Of "hygiene;" ignoring the meat
that was given for food and consuming
the husk of the grain and the wayside
weeds. They give wise dissertations to
prove that our long-lived grandfather
we're wrong in their habits of diet, thai
| all the babies Of hundred years age
had their constitutions ruined by baG
management. They forget that ever
the angels ate meat in the tents O.
Abraham and as their shattered nerve.
and disguised stomachs pass before us
we can but wonder how many of then
will live as long as the less abstemtou
patriarch MONTHLY.
North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-11-03
0ONJUGAL LOVE

AxprHI HAprIHEssoY Rue MARRIAGE.
Essay for Young Men ION the Errors, Abusesand
Diseases which destroy the Manly Powers andcreate
lmpedimenteto Marriage, with sure means Of relief.
Dentin sealed letter envelopes free of charge. Adj
6ress, Dr.J. GKILLIN H0UQHTON, Howard Associ.
aeton Philadelphia Pa.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
WHOLE NUMBER 1924.
Grants Felicity Of Language.

lie exhibits at times q rare felicity of Ian.
guagc. His words generally come slowly, but
they are always to the point and when anal.
yzed his speech often proves eloquent. His
dispatches abound in terse, significant express
sions, like the response TO Buckner "No terms
but an unconditional and immediate surrender
can be accepted. | propose TO move lmmcdl-
ately on your works" 81 propose TO fight It
out on this line if il takes all summer" Is his
torical. Let us have peace" uttered by tho
head of the army, became the watchword of
party. His famous letter 10 Andrew Johnson
on the removal Of Sheridan is alive with earn.
estness; and his remarks to President Lincoln
upon receiving command of the armies are a
model Of chastc and manly eloquencc. "Mr.
President, accept the commission with crati-
tude for the high honor conferred. With the
aid of the noble armies that have fought on
80 many fields for our common country, Il will
bc my earnest cndeavor not to disappoint your
expectations. | feel the weight of the respon-
sibiliii's now deyoIving on me; and l know n
they are met, it will be due to those armies,
and above all, 10 the favor of that Providence
which leads both nations and men"
Take, ain, the S ort speech he made when
he received the nomination for the Presidency;
u shall have no policy Of my own to enforce
against the will of the people"-a sentiment
full of wisdom and patriotism, and at the samo
time the severest possible rebukc to the Presi-
dent, who strovc so hard TO force his policy
upon an unwilling people. At Galena, when
his election was announced, he proclaimed;
THE responsibilities of the position feel, but
accept them without fear;" while in his inau-
gural are opinions worthy 10 become maxims
of public and international law. The truth Ia,
that few men who call themselves orators have
made better or more effective speeches than he
who has made SO few who never speaks until
he has something to say, but upon due occa.
sions always has something to say that is peo-
tinent and fOrcible-AaoRtic Monthly.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
Shaking Hands as a Means of Grace.

] maintain that shaking hands, rightly
administered, is means Of grace You,
my dear sir, are established, and every
one knows you TO be solid man.
There is a man beside you just fighting
his battle and making his way. You
know him and nod to him. Take him
by the hand, my dear sir. II will do
him good, aud II he was cast kown
little, ms men will sometimes be, it may
encourage him. "Our minister shook
hands with me-" What made that hulk
ing fellow, too big 10 be boy, too raw
to be a man, announce that fact so loudly
when he went home? The truth is, for
sensible effect on him it was more than
the sermon. John Smith has been a
hard drinker, but is trying fairly to get
ont of it. Going down the village street,
he meets Mr. Brown, wLo is ''boss" at
"the works above" Mr. Brown shakes
hands with Mr.. Smith in sight of the
entire village Does that do Smith any
good? Itcll you it is as good to him as
one Of Mr.. Coughs admirable lectures.
II says ms plainly rs il Mr.. Brown had
written it, "Mr Smith, you have only to
tahc CdIc VI yourself, dlh you Will De "a
respectable mau in spite of ALL" That
makes Smith stronger, and when he goes
to church next Sabbath, and looks over
at Mr. Brown, he will find it easier to
believe Gods most loving words: "Their
sins and their iniquities will remember
no more" So shake hands and be friends
at market, on the street, and, above all,
at church. Ipresume the apostle meant
something when he said: "Greet all
the brethren with an holy kiss" Some
people quit church for want of this
means of grace. Everybody looks as if
just returned from the North Pole, and
there had not been time to thaw, and the
deacon who runs the church, (it anything
so lifcless can be said to rum had been
in command of the party. suspect the
boys sometimes say-"Well, l guess /
ought 10 be good, but if l ever do, l
won't be long with the deacon" They
wait, poor boys, till some one comes
along with heart-getting no good in
the meantime, whose genial, life-lkc
ways make them feel kind o'good, and
they catch the inspiration, and run with
gladness i'll the way of Gods command.
....... Or. JOhn Hall.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
The Lazy Man.

a lazy man, says the "Fat Contribu.
tor" is almost always good-natured. lie
never flies into passion. lie might
crawl into one if that were possible, but
the idea of his flying into anything is
preposterous.
Who ever heard Of lazy man break
ing into bank, where crowbar had to
be used, or drilling into safe ? Nobody.
Not that he might not covct his neighbors
goods contained thcoein but the horror
of handling n crowbar and drills would
always deter him from actually commit
ting burglary. He never runs away with
his neigbbor's wife, simply on account Of
the horror hc has of running. II lie is
ever known to run, it is to--run TO seed
He rarely lives about his neighbors,
for it would be too much exertion but
he can lie at bar.room all day.
He is OF incstimabic service TO n bill
lard saloon, keeping the chairs warm
and watching the game, for few would
care to play where there are no specta-
tors. The TACT that lie does this without
pay, day in and day oat, shows the un-
selfishness of his nature. What an in
dustricus man, who considers his time
worth something, would want pay for,
the lazy man generally does for nothing,
showing a freedom from mercenary mo-
tivcs that should go far to his credit.
The lazy man never gets up revolu-
tions, instructions, or other popular ex-
citements, and don't make nuisance of
himself by tramping around the country
making incendiary speeches to promote
public discomfort.
In his own neighborhood he is never n
busybody in other peoples affairs, for the
very idea of being busybody at any
thing would drive him out of his bead
you would have to drive him out, for he
wouldn't have energy enough TO go out
of his own accord.
No lazy man ever ran mad. IL he
went crazy. it was because he couldn't
90 anywhere else without walking.
Lazy men don't disturb the quiet OF
peaceful ncighbors by putting up fac
tories, furnaces, and other abomina-
tions.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
Select Poetry.
Clerical Wit.

A porson. Nbo n uissioparv had i,cep
And hordshins and nrivaiit,ns on lad seop
Wbjlo WANDERING far IN ionc and desert
strands ~ ''' TT N-SF
A weary traveller ON berjoI,tcd londs.
Would offnn nictnre nm to his little Aork
The terrors OF the gibbet and the block.
How mariyrs suffered in ancient times.
And ,yLot ymo,, s,,fT,r rnxv In otIor cli,nce
And thnnoh his wards were eloaucnt t and dcrp
His hearers off jndulSed tben,selycs in sleep
He mark'd with sorrow each unconscious nod.
Within the portole of tbe house of God. -
And once This new eSnedient Thought he'd take
In his discourse TO keen thc rogues awake
Said he 'While travelling II, n distant state.
/ witnessed scenes which / will hero relate,
,'rwaa In n deen uncult;vated wild ' ..
Where noontide glory scarlely ever smipd.
Where wolves in midnight darkness howTd,
Where bears freuuentcd, and pantliers prowid.
Al -, ~, ,,.d :, ,t,s -. c,,,i
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14

EXPERIMENTS IN DESTROYING THE PEACH
WoRM.-There is handy means for the de-
struction of this heretofore fatal enemy to the
peach-tree, which is practical here, and which
has proved certain, beyond peradvcnture. 1t
is simple, of easy application, and expeditions.
1t consists of the use of boiling ,rater applied
to the collar of the tree in quantities VARYING
according TO the age of the trcc-in small trees,
say one inch in diameter, half pint is suffi.
cient, and pint is enough for larger ones.
Remove the earth from around the tree few
inches in depth, and just pour the water boil.
ing hot on the exposed roots, and it will kill
every egg as we'll as worm with positive GER
tainty. 1t has been tried here time and again,
upon trees that have been more than half kill.
ed, and perfect restoration has been the result
in every case. No danger need be apprehended
from the effects of the hot water upon the
trees, unless large quantity is applied to g
very small tree. When n large number Of
trees have to be operated upon, fire should
be made in the orchail for heating the water,
so that IL can be applied boiling hot Consid-
ering the Importance Of this remedy 10 peach
growers who may not have heard of it, deem
II but common justice TO give it circulation
thrcug the columns of your paper. Its GER
tainty as remedy may be implicitly relied
upon Country Gentleman.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14

On A, FARM THREE MILES FROM
CoNFEDRlr y ROADS,, n a
.h.gU rWichis in the stait NV keiltncky.D
June 20, lot9
The die is cast The guilloteen hez
fallen. am no longer Postmaster at
Contedrit X Roads, wich is in the Stai:
NV Kentucky. The place wich knowd
me wunst will know mo no more forever ;
the paper wich Deekin Pogram takes
will be handed out by nigger; nigger
will hev the openin NV letters addressed
to parties residin hereabout containin re-
mittances; a nigger will do the ritiin NV
letters addrest TO lottry managers and
extractin the sweets therefrom; u niggei
will be--but | can't dwell upon the dis
gustin theme no longer.
he'd bin in Washington too weeks as
sistin the Caucashens uv that city to put
their foot upon The heads NV the cussid
niggers, who ART content to accept the
situashen' and remain as they alluz hev
bin-inferior beins. TO say he'd sue
ceededi is a weak eXpipsheii. Il organ
lied a raid onto EN- so oflec.ooally ez to
drive no less than thihy nv EN- out NV
employment, twenty-seven NV whom wuz
compelled TO steal their bread, wicli gives
us a. splendid opportunity to show up
the natural cussidness NV the Atrikil
race, wich we improved Id .1t4s 51JE all
On my arrival at the Corners knew
to wunst that ,suthin wuz wrong. had
rid over from Secessionville ON Bas-
CONS mule, wich he he'd sent over for
me, and ez rid up 10 his door, i knowd
suthin he'd happened. The bottles be-
hint the bar were draped in black; the
barrels ,wuz festooned gloomily-rwich is
ourTyoosual method NV expressin greet
at public calamities-and the premises
generally wore fooneral aspeck. n. 30,
Wat is ,"' gasped ]. i,i 49,. g..s .,.
Bascom, returned not a word, but
waved his hand toward the post-oifis.
Ruship thither / bustid open the door,
and almost reeled agip the wall, AT the
general deliyryI wpz the grimm face NV
nigger, and sittin in my chair wuz Joe
Bigler, with Pollock beside him, slnokin
pipes and laffin over suthin iii the noos-
paper. pa '"
'BigIer caught site NV me, and, lartin
out, pulled me inside them hitherto sacred
precinks. '7''
a"Perinit me-" sed he, jeerinly, ''to in
troduceyoo to yoor successor, Mr.. CREEPY
Lubby."ia- 90 10 mo'iod h'a t1fG ''.if'
"My successor! Wat does this
mean ?" n'r"A"'5 - 'F
"Show. him, Creezyr' r,- ,c
And the nigger, ,eyry tooth in his
black head shinin, handed me a. commits
sion dooly made out and sined. j saw
| it at a glance. In immitashen NV our
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14

A young couple eloped from Owens
vile, Ky, lately, and when safe dis
tance from home were married. Soon
after an officer was sent in pursuit, and,
arrived at the hotel where they were
stopping. found them snug in bed. He
explained his errand, when the young
lady said with ringing laugh: Tel
ma its too late, we've been married, and
in bed half an hour. Don get out OF bed
for him WILL
A small darky in Montgomery, Ala,
sent out to pick berries the other day,
buttoned himself up closely in the rem
nant of Yankee overcoat. When he
returned, his mother observed and ac-
co,ted him: "What you wear dat tick
coat for, sich hot day as dis ?" "Cause,
nanny" replied the loyal boy, ode
Yankees does it." "You're little fool, y
said the indignant old nanny; 'do You
s'pose de Yankees got as much senses as
we 'Mericans has ?" .,J aaa......l -.
DIR. Tying met an emigrant family go
ing West. On one of the wagons there
hung jug with the bottom knocked out.
"What is that ?" asked the Doctor
"Why, it is my Taylor Jug said the
man. Sand what is a Taylor jug p
asked the Doctor again. 81 had a son in
General Taylor's army in Mexico, aud
the General always told him to carry his
whisky jug with a bole in the bottom,
and that's il. 1t is the best invention l
eves met with for hard dahkersl'
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14

NOVELS IN FAMILIEs.-In answer TO
the question, whether he would have
any novels in farmers library, Horace
Greeley replies as follows:
My Uncle Ben spent the better half of
his protracted life in the new clearings,
first of Western New York, then of
Northwestern Pennsylvania; and it was
one of lis axioms that, in planting corn
on new and well-burnt fallow, it was not
necessary to drop any pumpkin-seeds-
that such land was so well adapted to
the growth of pumpkins, enough would
come up spontaneously. / think much
the same of providing novels for small,
select family library. Quite enough Of
them will get in, by hook or crook, though
none are set down on the original
schedule.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
w ANTS.

Many people are in perpetual fear that
they will "come to want )" but when is
there time in ally ones life that be
don't want something? Some want one
thing and some another. The baby
wants to stick his thumb in his eye, kick
over the teapot, and wants his three
meals day. The little boy wants top,
rocking-horse. and a picking at regular
intervals. The little girl wants doll,
and wants to play out doors with the
boys. A little older, the girl wants a
beau and the boy wants bow and-a-
arrer. The young lady wants piano
and a Grecan bend, Invitations to the
opera, and exclusive use of the paror
Sunday nights. The young man wants
fast horse, diamond pin, credit at the
tailor's, mustache, gin cocktails, and
no words from the ''old man." Mature
matron wants select circle of society,
carriage with livried driver, the best pew
in church, presidency of some fashionable
benevolent society, wealthy matches for
her daughters, and no toolishness. Mas
culine maturity wants safe investments,
credit at the bank, few friends, plain
clOlneS, All cleNen y CLOCK 'lOu, prompt
dinner, slippers and a ''night-car." Old
age wants TO get up prctense of being
young sometimes, but only wants quiet
place to die i'll. ........... ....
There are millions of wants OIL this
earth, without considering whether or
not the other planets are inhabited. A
vast multitude want Situations" while
another horde, finding themselves in a
"bad situatien," want to get out of it.
One woman wants new bonnet, another
wants n divorce instead. Grant wants
"peace," and Mrs. DIR. Walker wants a
government office. Thousands want
lodgings at night, and other thousands
want a drink in the morning. Thirty
loafers knock at a saloon door at five p.
NJ. he wants to get in. Captured covey
in Jail; he wants to get out. Some want
glory, and enlist at sl3 month to get
it; some want hair on the top of the
head some want leg or an eye; thou
sands want to get married, few want
to die, many want a club, and all want
money.-Fdt Contributor. .-.r
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
The Girl for Me.


just fair enough to be pretty, $3.50.
just gentle enough TO be sweet,
just saucy enough to be witty, ... ...
Just dainty enough 10 be neat. ...
just tall enough to bc graceful, '-' ."'
just sighs enough to be sad, ..'u'-
Tones soft enough to remember,
Your heart thro' their cadence made glad
Just meek enough for submission,
just bold enough to be brave, $3.50
Just pride enough for ambition, uE.f
r. just thoughtful enough 10 be grave.
A tongue that can talk without harming,
just mischief enough TO tease,
Manners pleasant enough to be charming
3 That put you at once at your ease '
Disdain TO put down presumption, ....
Sarcasm to answer u fool,
. Cool contempt shown TO assumption,
'i Proper dignity always the rule. o ''"s
Flights of fairy fancy eiherial. i,Ir .s.,ta
Devotion TO science full paid, ....
Stuff of the sort of material
b Poets and Paiters are made. a 1896
Generous enough and kind-heartcd, ,
Pure as the angels above; ...e ..,.
., from her may never be parted,
For such is the maiden love.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14

A MISCONCEPTIONS" the cor
respondent of the Sunday School Times,
tells the following incident, which oc-
CURED in Brandenburg, Germany. A
speaker dwelling upon Adam and Eve,
asked: "Where did God place them p
The answer was:
"In the Garden of Eden"
Sand what did they do there?"
"They titled it,"
"Why were they turned out ?"
After significant silence, little fel-
low cried out:
"Sir, they could not pay the rent"
The novelty of the answer induced the
teacher to inquire of his pupil why he
had given it. when he was told that his
father and mother had been turned out
of their house because they could not
pay the rent, and he thought it must
have been so with Adam and Eve.
The teachers made up a purse for the
boys father.
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14

VOICES OF THE NrGnT.-'If cat doth
meet cat, upon the garden walk, and if
a cat doth greet cat, oh need they
both to squall? Every Tommy has got
his Tabby, waiting on the wall, and yet
she welcomes his approach ry one I'M
earthly yawl. If kit wish TO court a
a rock upon the wall, why don't he
sweetly sit and smile, and not stand up
and bawl and lift his precious back up
high, and show his teeth and moan, as if
'twere collie, more than love, that made
the 'feller' groan. Among the twain
there is a swain, his voice is known full
well, but what's his name, or where's his
shame the deuce alone can tell. He's
sweet upon the other sex, his amorous
passions lisc, he can't resist the tender
glance of their seductive eyes; and so,
with groans and horrid threats, he rends
the evening air, and makes these mid
night rendezvous impossible to bear
Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1869-08-14
ASHTABULA, OHIO, SATURDAY, AUGUST IA, 1869.

Amt enough in him to tie TO. wood ez
soon think NV tying myself to a car
wheel IN storm at sea.
PETROLEUM V. Massey, r. VI.
(Which IL POstmaster1