Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-07-16
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have lot Of EN-.
NEVER tell your secrets in a corn field for
it has thousand ears.
The man who was filed with emotion han't
room for dinner.
Ours LlkmY.-S Somebody says that birch
rods makes the best baby jumpers.
WHAT female should shoemaker always
keep out of his establishment Miss Fit
Can bare assertion be called naked
truth
How to prevent sea sickness-Keep on
shore.
GovEasnrsr securities-The Army and
Navy.
Tae shadow of fortune-The ghost of a
chance.
Darss- -parade-a fashionable woman 5 toll
ette.
How to turn peoples heads" Go late to
church
THr way of the world--A great many mil
lions Of tons,
Tug largest ants in the world are called ele-
plants.
Tokeep your wife in constant check-Make
her dress in Giugham.
a CLASSIC invalid upon being asked if he
was i'll, promptly replied. sac sum.
THE reason Why we admire pretty feet
Becauce all's well that ends well.
4 coal oil millionaire has named his little
heiress Petrolia Ann. We suppose the next
litle heiress viii be named Carrie Sene.
Tne FIRST question that disturbed man was
the woman question, and it bids fair to be the
last.
No wonder that the squirrel is accused Of
chattering-he is certainly great tail bear
PRgSrIcE says that man was the chief con-
sidefation at the creation. Woman was only
''side issue
Don't care much about the bugs" said
Mr.. Swinkc, '.bnt the truth is, I've not got
the blood to spare"
JANE" said wag, "why it's all over
town! !" whats all over town p "Mud p
James eyes dropped.
WnAr does telegraph operator do when
be receives the heads of important news
Waits for de tails of course.
SIDNEY SMITH compares the whistle of a
locomotive to the squeal of an attorney, when
Satan drstgets hold of him.
"WHAr church do you attend, Mrs Parting.
don ?' "0h, any paradox church where the
Gospels dispensed with
CELERY and onions are recommended to
people ofweak nerves. 4 wag says he should
think they whould be surer remedy for a weak
breath.
VERY few clergymen are so deaf that they
cannot hear call from $4,000 and upward.
When It is $4,000 or more the hearing be.
comes particularly keen.
a little girl worn out by a long sermon,
observing the preacher gathering himself for
another point, exclaimed: ''Ob, mother, he
is not going to quit at all He is swelling up
again"
Two old ladies', who we're known to be OF
the same age, had the same desire to keer
the real number concealed; one used there.
fore, every New Years day, to visit the 9th
er, and say, Madam, am come to know
how old We are to be this year
Ar young lady's seminary, during an ex-
animation in history, one of the pupils was
thus interrogated: Mary, did Martin Luther
die natural death ?'' ''No, was the prompt
reply, she was communicated by bull. -
LITTLE Frank was taught he was made out
Of dast. As he stood by the window watch
ing the dust as the wind was whirlingit il
eddies, he exclaimed, seriously, 'Ma,
thought the dust looked as though there wa,
going to be another little boy made"
A clergyman who was cousolng young
widow on the death of her husband, spoke il
a very serious tone, remarking that he wal
ono of the few such jewel of Christian
you cannot find his equal, you well know. tt
which the sobbiug one replied, with an almos
broken heart, 'Ill bet l will.
4 CocENEY conducted two ladies to the oh.
| sorv.dory to see an eclipse Of the moon
They were too late-the eclipse was over
and the ladies we're disappointed. "O,' ex
claimed our hero, "don't fret. know til,
astronomer well, he is a very polite man, ant
/ am sure will begin again"
A Musician, whose nose had become dis
tinctly colored with the red wine he was wont
to inbibe, said one day to his little son a
the table; ''You must eat bread, my boy
bread makes your cheeks red" The it'll,
boy replied: Father, what lots of bread yor
must have sufed up
A Coon story IS told of a German shoema
ker, who having made pair of boots for q
gentleman of whose financial integrity he haC
considerable doubt, made the following reply
to him when he called for the articles. "Del
poots is not quite done, but der beel ISL mad
out"
A PAnSDRoaE is line that reads alik,
backward and forward. One of the best !,
Adams first observation to Eve: Madam
I'm Adam" Another is the story that Ma
poleon, when at St. Helena, being asked b,
an Eaglishman if he could have sacked Lon
don, replied ''Able was ere saw Elba."
A VERY curious mode of trying the title O
land is practieed in Hindoostan: Two hole.
are dug in the disputed spot in each of which
the plaintiff and defendants lawyers pu
one of their legs, and remain there until one
Of them is tired, in which case his client j.
defeated. In this country it is the client anC
not the lawyer who pats his foot into it.
How many children have you as s1ed a gen
tleman of one of his laborers, looking around
in surprise upon the family.
Better than dozen, sir"
Il only make out eleven, said the gentle
man.
Faith, " an ism that better than dozer