The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-07-08
Wit and H,e7,eor.
4 Fiery Steel-Horse radish.

Singular To see Garden walk
"A romance Of the middle ages--An old
maids love letter. ga
A wffe's kiss. for money is well termed le-
gal tender ness, g4 .'' se.l.@5 co., 4,
ai A corn extractor that has never been pat
ented-the crow. i. = ..r.,., ..se,s q5,s .
Everybody knows good counsel except he
who hath need of it.
Good company and good con .sation are
thevery sinews Of virtue. 80
when was bcefsteak the highest When
the COW jumped over the moon.
Z. A schoolmastcr in the country advertises
that he will keep Sunday school twice week.
Why do g birds in their little rests agrec3"
Because they would fall out if they didn' t. y
When dentists in Mississippi advertise but
little and complain of a want of business, the
editors out there call them g tooth carpen-
ters"7i 9fs F7
Amarried lady being asked to waltz, gave
the following sensible and appropriate an
swer, "No, thank you sir, have hugging
enough at home" @
A sentimental chap intends. to petition
Congress for grant to improve the channels
of affection. SO that henceforth the course, of
true love may run smooth. S sess !
This notice is posted in a Down East post
Office: Wanted to find (by single gentle,
MANI hand without mitten. information
may be left at the post office.
IA Nebraska editor says hell is treeless,n
and warmly exhorts his readers to e'plant
trees " in Nebrask a, for Other wise it might be
that comparisons are odorous" ~
II wish you had been Eve, said an urchin
to a stingy old aunt, proverbial for he mean
ness " Why SO Z" . Because said he 'you
would have eaten all the apple, instead of di
viding it with Adam" -..,'~,,.... 49, gf
IA pure blood Yankeelikes two things clear
through capacious lofty shirt CELLAR, and
big jack He doesn't mind if his trows
crs' are little short, but there must DO no
dscounten shirt collar and knife
Out West an, editor has been sued for libel
in having published that a certain Mr. Har-
rison- was. a wcll.known house. breaker. The
defence of, the editor is that he wrote horse
breaker, which che plaintiff is by occupation.
A recent writer says: "There IS many d
proud spirited, sensitive woman, who feels
herself bcggar, and unless from absolute
need, will go without, rather than ask her
husband for money for her own uso." Poor
dears VIC should like to meet one of this
Kind. ~ s,io..ze IL fss
Coop SPELLING, Caleb, -spell Aaron"
ssGrcat A, little a-r5o-nA=ron' ~
Every well, Ichahod, see if you can spell
United States" rgs -
Eyes, sir. Great country, little country
T-a.x-us." - ~
GO up head, =" iss -.~,,
Public opinion has found somewhere the
following original joke: The earliest men,
ton Of a banking TRANSACTION is when : ha-J
roah received a check on the Bank Of the
Red Sea, which was crossed by Moses and
Aaren Was it Pharoa!i Bank? If so,
why should there be A-run upon it?
aTommy," my son, fetch in a stick of
weod."1 g All! my dear mother" responded
the youth, q the grammatical portion Of yonr
education has been sadly neglected. You
should have said: "Thomas, my son, trans
port from that rccumbent collection of com
bustable material upon the threshold Of this
edGce one of the curtailed excreseuces of a
defunct log ~ <H ss .2's' 9sf
Boggs likes warm bed. One morning an
agent for patent fre-extinguisher tried to
sell him recipe. Look here" said Boggs,
''If you've got anything that'll save me from
getting out of bed in the cold every morning
to build fire for nay wife to get breakfast by,
I'll buy it; but don't come round here trying
to sell stuff to put 'em Quits too much
trouble to start them p
A good natured fellow, who was nearly
eaten out Of house and home by the constant
visits of his friends, was one day complain
ing bitterly Of his numerous visitors.
sssShure, aud III tell ye how to get rid of
EN-" said an Irishman.
"Pray, how z"
"Lend money to the poor ones, and borrow
money Of the rich ones, and nathcr sort will
liver trouble you agin. M
Everybody is in The habit ov Dragging on
Job; and Job did have considerable pa
shunce, that's fact; but did he ever keep
district SIX ule for s dollars a month and board
around or run kountree noospaper. satl aift
Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill on
hot day, and have all his gullus buttons
busted oph' at once?
Did he ever have the jumping toothache
and be made tend the babe while his wife
Was over to Parkinscs to tea squall
Did he ever get up in the mornin awful
dri and tut it three miles before breakfast to
get drink, and find that the man kept tenn
perance house?
Did he ever undertake to milk a kicking
heifcr with bushy tail, III fitime, out in
lot?
Did he ever sot unto litter oyi kittens in
the old rockin chair, with his summer panta-
looms on? r ii 81 i2fss s| y @3'i'
IF he could do all these things and prazc
tn Lord at the same time, all have to sa IL,
+" Bully for Job. Josh Billings.