Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1869-09-10
Mark Twain's Salutatory.

In entering upon his editorial duties,
Mark Twain thus salutes the readers of the
Buffalo Express
Being u stranger, Il would be immodest
and unbccoming in me to suddenly and
violently assume the. associate editnrship
of the Buffalo Express without single eX-
planatory word of comfort or encourage
mcut to the unotlcnding patrons of the
paper, who are about to he exposed to
constant attacks of my wisdom and learn
ing. But this explanatory word shall be
as brief rs possible. l only wish to assure
parties having friendly interest in the
prosperity of the journal, that am not
going to hurt the paper deliberately and in
tentionally at any time. | am not going
to introduce any startling reforms, or
in any way attempt to make trouble, |
am simply going to do my plain, unpre-
tending duty, when cannot get out of It,.
shall work diligently and honestly and
faithfully at all times and upon all occa-
sious, when priyation and want shall COM
pei me to do il; in writing, shall always
contine myself strictly to the truth, except
when it is attended with Inconvenience
shall witherlngly rebuke all forms Of crime
and misconduct, except when committed
by the party inhabiting my own vest;
shall not make use of any slang or vulgari-
ty upon any occasion or under any circum-
stances, and shall never use profanity ex-
eept in discussing house. rent and taxes
Indeed, upon second thought, l will not
even use it then, for 1t is unchristian, in
elegant and degrading--though to speak
truly do not see how house-rent and
taxes are going to be discussed worth a
cent without it. shall not often NEEDLE
with politics, because we have political
sNgltN =, ala L.
needs to serve term in the penitcntary
in order to be perfect. l shall not write
any poetry, unless conceive spite against
the subscribers.
Such smy platform. do not see any
earthly use In it, but custom is law, and
custom must be obcyed, no matter how
much violence it NAV do to ones feelings.
And this custom which | am slayishlv
following now is surely one of the least
necessary that ever came into vogue. In
nrivate lifn n man does NOT ,ro and frumnnt
his crime before he commits IL but now
your new editor is such an important ner.
sonoce that he Genls called mon tn write
n " saIutafsrvn at once and he nuts into
II alI he knows and aIl that bc don't know
and some things he thinks he knows but
isn't certain Of And he parndes his list of
wonders which ho 10 goinT to nerforn, ot
reforms which ha 10 uninU tn intrnlupn
and ,nuhlic- ey;ls which hn Z. ro;ng oayior'
inmate and nnblic blessinSs which he is
ooing to create and n2blic nuisancas
Which he is going to abate He snreads
this all ont viii onnrcssivn solennitv nvnr
q colnn,n and n balf of largo nr;nf and
feels That the countrv Is snved His salts.
faction over il is sometbing enormons TIE
then settles down to his miracles and in.
a;cts nrofound ,,iot;tudos nnd ;,,,,"aratra
HE xyisdop, ,,nop a helnicss 'nnbi;n No iono
as as they can stand il and then thev send @
him off Consulto some savage slandin the
| Pacific intbe vague boneIthat thc canni.
balls will like him we'll enough to eat
him. And with an inhumonity which il
but a fitting climax to his career of perse-
cution. instead of.nackinr his trunk ot
once, he fingers to ihflict u5on his benefac.
tors " Valcdictory," Ifthere is anythinp
more uncalled for than a "salutatory," it is
one of those fearful, blubbering, long.
wnded "valedictories wherein man
who has been ANNOYING the public for ten