The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1869-09-29
Mark Twain's Editorial Salu-
tatory.

"Mark Twain" has become one
of the proprietors of the Buffalo
Erprese, and publishes his 'salu
tatory" in the issue of that paper
of Saturday last. We quote:
I Being stranger, it would be
immodest and unbecoming in me
to suddenly and violently assume
the associate editorship Of the
Buffalo Express, without single
explanatory word Of comfort OF
encouragement to the unofending
patrons Of the paper who are
about to be exposed to constant
attacks OF my wisdom and learn
ing. But this explanatory word
shall be as brief as possible. I
only wish to assure parties having
a friendly interest in the prosper.
ity of the journal that I am not
going to hurt the paper deliber.
ately and Intentionally at any
time. I am not going to intro
duce any startling reforms, or in
any way attempt to make trouble.
1 am simply going to do my plain,
unpretending duty, when l cannot
get out of it l shall work dill
gently and honestly and faithful
ly at all times and upon all occa.
sions, when privation> and want
shall compel me to dc it;in writ
ing [ shall always confne myself
strictly to the truth, except when
it is attended with Inconvenience ;
I shall witheringly rebuke all
forms of crime and misconduct,
except when committed by the
party inhablting my own vest; l
shall not make use Of slang or vul-
garity upon any occasion or under
any circumstances, and never use
profanity except in discussing
house rent and taxes. Indeed,
upon second thought, will not
even use it then, for it is unchrls-
tian, inelegant and degrading
though to speak truly I do not see
how house rent and taxes are 60
ing to be discussed worth cent
without it. I shall not often med
die with politics, because we have
a political editor who is already
excellent, and only needs to serve
a term in the penitentiary in Or
der to be perfect. l shalt not
write any poetry, unless l con-
coive a spite against the subscrl-
bers.
Such is my platform. I do not
see any earthly use in it; but Gus
tom is law, and custom must be
obeyed, no matter how much Vio-
lence it may do to ones feelings.
And this custom which [ am sla-
vishly following now is surely one
of the least necessary that ever
came into vogue. In private life
a man does not 60 and trumpet
his crime before be commits it,
but your new. editor is such an
important parsonage that he feels
called upon to write ''salutatory"
at once, and he puts into it all
that he knows, and all that he
don't know, and some things he
thinka he knows but isn't certain
of. And he parades his list of
wonders which he is going to per-
form; of reforms which he is g.
ing to introduce, and public evils
which he is going to exterminate;
and. public blessings which he is
going to create and public nui-.
sances which he is going to abate.
He spreads this all out with op.
pressive solemnity over a column
and a half Of large print, and
feels that the country is saved.
His satisfaction over it is enor-
nous, he then settles down to
big miracles and inficts profound
platitudes and .impenetrsble wis
dom upon a helpless public as long
as they can stand it, aid then they
can send him off Consul to some
savage island in the Pacific in the
vague hope the ,annibals will like
him well enough toeat him, And
with an inhumanity which is but
a fitting climax to his career OF
persecution, instead Of packinghis
trunk at once, he fingers to infiet
upon bis benefa :tors a ''valedicto-
ry." If there is anything more
uncalied for than a ''satutatery, y
it is one of those fearful, blubber-
ing, long-winded "valedictories"-
wherein a man who has been an
uoying the public for ten years
cannot take leave of them with
out sitting down to cry cotnmn
and a half. Still, it is the custom
to write valedictories, and custom
should be respected. In m y
heart I admire my predecessor for
declining to print a valedictory,
though in public I say and shall
continue to say sternly, it is Gus.
tom, and he ought to Lave printed
one. People never read them sny
more than they do the "salutate-