Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-08-06
3nlnofpns.


a-going-
TIE Eve great evils Of life are said 10 be
standing collars, stove pipe hats, light boots,
bad whisky, and cross women. The last not
the least.
"YouR bachelors ought TO be taxed, y said
a lady to a resolute evader Of lhe moose mat.
rimonial 81 agree with you madam, was
the reply; 'baehelorism is great luxury.
WHITE boy met colored lad the other
day and asked him what he had such a short
nose for. Il 'speet so ii won't poke itself
into other peoples business"
JOSH BlI1Ncs says: "When young man
an i good for anything else, / like to see him
carry gold headed cane. If he can't buy a
cane, let him par; bis hair in the middle!'
AN Alabama editor, in putting a grocery
kept by a woman says: Her tomatoes are
as red as her own cheeks her indigo as blue
as her own eyes, and her pepper as hot as her
own temper"
To make little boys troEsers last, when
you make suit Of clothes for them, finish
the coat first, and by so doing YOU viii make
the trowsers last. 1t is the only way the
thing can be done.
Two spendthrift young men were discuss
ing the character Of close listed uncle.
"Well, said one, "ii his heart ever falls in
70 his stomach. :, Is hard oaoOgA to sivo Aia,
dyspepsia.
OS a certain occasion Of an eclipse ia Yir-
ginia, colored individual became greatly
elated Dress de Lord :" said he, de mig
gers time hab come at last, and now we's
gwiue to hab a black sun.
Tim, does your mother ever whip you?''
"No; bat she does a great deal worse,
though.
WHAT'S thatY
Why, she washes my face every morn
ing"
YoUse fellow eating some Cheshire
cheese, fall of shippers. at tavern one night,
exclaimed; NOW / have done as much as
sampson. for have slain my thousands aud
tens Of thousands "Yes, retorted ano:h-
er, aud with jaw bone of an ass
a STUMP speaker exclaimed. Il know no
North, no South, no East, no West, fellow
citizenslH Then, exclaimed an old far
mer in the crowd, "it's time you went to
school and larnt jogrsphy.
WoxES are said 10 have stronger attach.
ments than men. It is evineed il little things.
a man is often attached to an old hat; but
did you ever know of woman having an at
tachmeat for an old bonnet
IN Is strange, muttered a young man. as
he staggered home from supper party.
chow evil Communications eorrup. good
manners. ] have been surrounded BY tumb
lers ell evening, and now an q iumbler my
self
A French women, who had lost one Of her
eleven sons, chafered with the undertaken
about the price Of the burial, saying: Now
look here, sir, you musn' be hard with me; 1
shall be good customers I've got ten chill.
dreu more.
b. really inspired genius man in
Kentucky has fouad way to induce crows to
commit suicide. lie strings several grains of
corn on horse hair, which, when swallowed
causes a tickling sensation in the crows
throat. In his efforts to get it up, the crow
invariably scratches its head Of
ours, QUIREs AND qUoDIIBErs.
When little Jane, the moral miss,
Declares It's very wrong to kiss,
I'll bet q shilling see through it
The damsel fairly understood,
Feels just as any Christian should,
She'd rather suffer wrong than do it
is your father at homer? inquired the
man Of the little girl who admitted him
is your name Bill?n
.Some people call me so,' he replied.
Then he is not al home, heard him tell
John to say if any bill came in to say he is
not at kome.
NENER tell your secrets in a corn field for it
has thousand ears.
some uneducated persons can accomplish
much. Many a man who can't write has
made his mrrk.
SoUND OF SUNsEr-On the arrival of an
emigraut ship some years ago, when the
N0rth Carolina lay off the Battery, an Irish
man, hearing the gun fred at eunset, inquired
OF one Of the sailers what it was.
What's that?" "Wby that's sunset" was
the eontemptuous reply.
"Sunset!' exclaimed Paddy With distended
eyes; sunset HowIy Moses and does the
sun go down in this country with such clap
as that ?''
THERE is a girl in Jersey whose lips are so
sweet that they stick together every morning
by the honey they distil, and she cannot open
her jiDs until she has parted them with a
silver knife. She viii be treasure to her
husband, not only on account Of her sweet
ness, but because she can occasionally keep
her mouth shut
IT is related of certain minister OF Maine,
who was noted for his long sermons, with
many divisions, that one day, when he was
advancing among the teens, he reached, at
length, kind of resting place in his dis
course, when, pausing to take breath, he
asked the question "And what shall I say
more ? A voice from the congregation earn
estly responded, ''say Amen :"
NEyER TRAYELED.- a story is told of an
old lady who lived near Rochester, who had
never seen or travelled on railroad. Want
ing to go on visit to small town a short
distance from the city, she thought she would
try one of the pesky things. She went 10
the ticket Office, carrying her reticule on one
arm and an old fashioned rocking chair on
the other. She bought her ticket, walked
out on the platform, put down her rocking
chair, sat down in 1t, took out her knitting,
aud went to work diligently. Steadily she
rocked and worked, trains coming in or leav-
ing as the car time came around. The old
lady made no attempt to get on the cars, but
kent knitting