Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-10-29
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A Crate Nuisance Bad coal.
When is a newspaper the sharpest? When
it is filed.
Isn't it queer that contractors should be
engaged to widen streets ?
What is the greatest curiosity in the
world 2? A woman's
Jonah says, "a man is born to trouble,
and his makes him carry double"
s'Mother, what makes the ocean get an
gry?" sBecause it has been crossed so often,
my SON."
Henry Ward Beecher says it will never
do to "preach" cream and practice skim
milk"
ssYour horse has tremendous long bit, -
said friend to Theodore, Hook. Eyes, :"
said he, ''it's bit too long"
"Ha'n't your at sleepy p asked a boot
black of seedy- looking clergyman 1T
looks as if it was long time since it had
nap.
A lazy fellow once declared in public
company that he could not find bread for his
family. Nor T. said an industrious me-
chanic; I am obliged to work for it.
Andrew Johnson's last job of tailoring
was to "sew up" the Tennessee carpetbag-
gers. His next will be to ''baste" the radi-
cal senators in Washington.
A negro undergoing his examination as a
witness, when asked if bis master was a
Christian, replied, No, SIP, bel is member
Of Congress"
Figures can't lie," says the arithmeti-
clan. ''You can't say that of women's fig
ures in these days." responds the SANDER
Gus dress-maker.
Clara Cooking at the bonnet, &C., Don't
YOU think they are very handsome 7 Amy
lxhose thoughts are on the other side Of the
the street,: Very, specially the one With
the black moustache.
A young dandy calling one day lately at
the residence o. a young lady, asked the
servant to see her mistress, and on being told
that she was engaged cooley demanded,
TO whom?'
Il is singular fact that ladies who know
how to preserve everything else, can't pre-
serve their tempers. Yet it may easily be
done'on the self-sealing principle. 1t is on.
iy to keep the mouth of the vessel closed.
\ Shrewd Answer. Lady Cat Sunday
school:) land what do you understand by
''thc pomps and yanities Of this wicked
gorld?" The Head of the Glass THE
flowers ip your bonnet, teacher"
s'When men break their hearts, remarks
a cynical female writer, sit is the same as
when lobster breaks one Of its ciaas-an-
other sprouting out Immediately and grow
ing in its place"
s young lady said to her beau as she held
pot Of Lot water in her hand Promise
TO marry me. or I'll scald you" Throw
the water, )" he replied, Il had rather be
scalded once than every day in my life
Some one says: ''The Pope is making
crusade upon the improprieties of dress. and,
we learn, lays the blame on the shoulders
of the ladies' The Pope is at fault. We
have examined the shoulders of ladies', and
haven't found blame thing there
What glorious world this would be if
all its inhabitants could say with Shakes
peare's shepherd; ''sir, am true labor
er; [ earn what wear; eve 20 man hate !;
envy no mans happiness; glad OK ether
mems good !; content with my farm"
Judge Norbury was interrupted in his
charge to the jury by the loud braying of
donkey in the street. whats that p said
the Judge. Mr.. Parsons, with whom the
Judge had just had a fiery fare up, rose,
and grayely assured him that it was merely
<'the echo Of the court"
A prudent master advised his servant to
put by his money for rainy day. In few
weeks his master inquired how much Of his
wages he had saved 'sFaith, none at all,
said he. II did as you bid me ; it rained
yesterday took drop, and it all went"
'1fou are an excellent packer" said a
bon vicant to waiter who brought him
bottle Of wine Of very scanty measure. Il
don't understand you, sir" replied the at
eendant. ''You have contrived to pack
quart Of vine in pint decanter," was the
explanation.
Teacher John, suppose / we've to shoot
at a tree with five birds on it and kill three,
how many would be left? John Three sir.
Teacher : No, two would be left you ignor-
anus. John: No there wouldn't though:
the three shot would be left, and the other
two would be flied away.
An inquisitive urchin the other day, while
reeting lesson, (says an exchange from
sermon on the Mount, broke out:
Ma, did Jesus get $4,000 year for
preaching?
No, my child; he did not get anything.
Why didn't they pay him
Because He refused to preach politics.
The devil offered him good salary to do it,
but He would not accept the cali.
A little fve-year old boy was being in
structed in morals by his mother The old
lady told him that all such terms as s.By
golly," "By jingc,'' By thunder" &C.,
we're only minced oaths, and but little better
than any other profanity In fact, she said,
he could tell profane oath by the prefix Of
sby-aIi such were oafhs.'' swell, then,
mother" said the little hopeful, s'theres a
big oath in the newspapers-'By telegraph 7
The old lady gave it up. and the boy is be-