Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-12-24
HulmOr.

Motto for Boarding houses. No piece
repeated.
Burying people before they are dead is
called 4 grave mistake.
Lazyncss is like molasses-sweet and
sticky.
Married life often begins with rosewood
and mahogany, and ends with pine.
Money is good deal like tea--To be best
enjoyed it should first be urned.
Some descendant of Solomon has wisely
remarked that those who go to law for dam
ages are sure to get them.
Things not to be mingled love, liquor,
accounts, and your neighbours affairs with
your own.
Why is General Grants family like an old
tin pail ? Because there are SO many Dents
it.
When may young ladies be said to be
economical When they resort to tight la
cling to prevent waist ftaIness.
1t costs about four hundred dollars to win
ter an elephant If the people could only
winter the Presidential elephant as cheap.
A Lockport chap advertises for AN equal
partner in the milk business People don't
know whether he wants pump or wife.
A waggish knave said he thought proph-
cts were all fools. "No," said Diogenes,
.'but those who listen to them are"
A nice old lady, who was over-nice in re-
gard to cleanliness about her house, once
scrubbed her sitting room foor until she fell
through into the cellar.
Il have turned many woman's head, ,
boosted young nobleman of France
Eyes" replied Talleyranl-''a say from
you"
A local out West says the reason why
Chicago did not fall within the line Of the to.
tai eclipse Yves because the Lord did not dare
to trust that city long in the dark.
n man III HIlcnlyan swaPpoe. r, r.,
horse. Well bet something was wrong
with that horse or its owner would never
have fooled it away in that manner.
"Oh, Dearp' blubbered an urchin, still
smarting under recent application of birch
perhaps forty rods do make a furlong bu
golly I'm sure one rod makes an acher.
A Physician told lady that if womcr
were admitted to Paradise, their tongue.
would make hell Of it. eff some doctors
practice there" she said, ''they would soou
make it desertr'
Cufy said he would rather die by rail-
road smash up than by railroa bust up for
this reason: eff you gets off and is smashed
up, dar you is; but if you gets blowed up
on the boat, whar is your"
The editor of the Greenwich IN. W
Journal has novel way of making the win
ter pass off quickly. He gives bank note
in the fall for ninety days, and he says spring
comes as soon as he wants to see it.
4 dairyman was awakened one night by a
wag, with the announcement that bis best
COW was choking. He forthwith jumped up
to save the life of crumple, when 10 /! he
found a turnip stuck in the mouth of his
pump.
An ill-matchel couple we're always quar-
reling. One day tho wife pointed to a cat
and dog that lay together near the stove,
and said: Look at them they don't quar-
rel 'Ah, 'growled the husband, 'tie them
together, and then see'
A miserable specimen of male man saws
that giving the ballot to women would not
amount to much, for none of them would
admit that they were old enough to vote I'M
til they were too old to take any interest in
politics.
How To LIVE LoNG.-An old man, on
being asked how he lived to attain 50 great
an age, replied:
'When l could lit never stood; 1 mar
rlcd late, was soon widowcr, and never
married again.
A boy was relating how his father had
Just come IN from hunting, and Boosting of
having killed nine hundred and ninety nine
pigeons at one shot, ''Why didn't he call
it a thousand?" asked bystander. GOOD
heavens!" said the boy, ''do you think nv
father would tell lie just for one pigeon 81
"A sensible cotemporary says ''The wo
mon ought to make pledge not to kiss a
man who uses tobacco, and it would soon
break up the practice" Another exchanoe
adds that they ought also to pledge them
selves to kiss every man that don't use it,
and we 60 in for that, TOO
A young mother has written poem on
90 lby,' the third stanza Of which has been
much admired. It runs:
s'Doxery doodle-um dinkle-um dunn
Ium to its muzzery mozzery mum:
Tizzery livery boozery boo,
No baby SO sweet and so pity as oou
STILL IN HopE.-At o recent examina-
ton OF Scotch farmer, on his sister enter
ing the box to be examined, the following
conversation took place between her and the
opposing agent:
Agent-"How old are you?"
Miss Jane-"Oh, weel sir, am an un-
married woman, and dinna think it right to
answer that question"
The Judge-"Oh, yes, answer the gen.
tleman how old you are.'
Miss Jane-"Weel weel, am fifty"
Agent-"Are you not more"
Miss Jane-''Weel, am sixty"
The inquisitive agent still further askA
if she had hopes of getting married, to which
she replied:
"Weel. sir, l widna surely tell lie. I
dinna lost hope yet" And she scornfully
added. s'But widna marry you, for am
sick and tirad of ,o,, 49,. ,ivo,l, ,,