The evening Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1861-1871, 1869-10-14

patient will in due time recover.
| ATNEsS.-SbahSPcare says, some
men are born great some achieve great
ness, and others have greatness thrust upon
them But in these modern days there is
| another method of securing greatness, as
! follows: a man $50 called is born in
J PENNSYLVANIA. He is PennsylvaDy
Dutchman." 1t just happens that his pa,
ternal parent owns an old whisky mill.
Tbs whisky mill has ground out death and
| ruin for many family for q score OF years,
1t has manufactured "snakes' for the
"b'hoys,' and tremens for the "old 'uns,
from time immemorial. 1t doesn't take
much ability to run it. Any ignorant old
fool with pair of goggles and cast iron
insides, could preside over its destInes.
Not q smashing amount Of money Is made
| at it, but bread, butter, and whisky are re-
alized-the supposed necessares OF life, IN
that region. WELL this little Pennsylyany
Dutchman wakes strong on blue lightning,
attains weakness for forty rod, and takes
his "pizen" in the most approved style. In
course oftime he grows part way up,and helps
to run the old whisky mill, He then tries to
study law, aad fzzles. The war breaks
out The old man finds a ready market for
his whisky, and gets fair price for it. lie
wants to see his boy sport a cheese.knite
and a pair Of shoulder straps. The only
opening for chaps of such calibre is in a
niger regiment Niger regiments were
raised for just that purpose. a little out
lay of money secures young Caesar com
mission in the Mary land coored Home
Guards, whore he passes much valuable
time in suppressing rebel demonstrations
and making "secesh women behave them
selves. Affairs at the old whisky mil
prosper. The price Of forty.rod advances
y Dung CAESAR "dvNooss i" Propor.i""- w
} becomes quartermastcr. II don't requlr
much ability to be q quarermaster. 1t
something like Running an old whisky mil
The Illinois penitentiary now contains |,
800 convicts, any one Of whom would maxi
good quartermaster fact, first elias
one, as they have all had experience in thu
necessary line, which would save time
Young Caesar accumulates sreenbacks. 1t
{ easy to do it in that way--much easier
t even than running an old whisky mill
Whisky gets heavily taxed, but some hoV
b or other the old man makes money taste
? than ever. Maryland enjoys the luxury o
q carpetbag government. She wants
state printer. 1t takes n oney to be stat
printer, for votes are worth money, and tn
possession Of money is the possession o
votes. Brains are not requisite, The Ok
whisky mill steps in again, and oils tn
' pathway for young Caesar. He slides int
the state printers place. His previous ex
t perience as qnartermaster proves beneh
y cial His peculiar talents fit him for tn
a position. He makes "hauls no matter O
, what. He "hauls" as long as there is any
, thing to haul, then gets kicked out. Ii
| comes to western town, passes himself OF
, for chivarous Marylander, spends hi
money for newspaper, becomes An edito
hires his brains, gets a cane, drinks ehea
whisky a. seven and half cents drinI
and considers himself illustrious.
When he loads up at some Brewery, an
J then goes to talk to the Sunday Scho'
children, be can point.to the wonderful vici
, STUDIES of his pcs. life, and exclaim, "B
hold. my children, the reward of virtue. B
the heir of a whisky mill Watch yor
chance at the next war, and get into Nil
ger regiment. Be quartermaster if poss
, BILE. Go for position in carpet bag go
eminent. Be state printer ifpossible. G
for the swag, carry your point, buy new
3, paper, put up your name in capitals, at
vonr GREATNESS is then secured
y RIVER ITEMS The Mollie McPike wei
l. up this morning and the Phil Sherids
, down.
y Tomorrow the Dubuque will be up, an
l. the Sucker State down.
!, The New Boston for Fs Madison in IL