Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-12-10
PUTTING up sTnKEs.

II
Mark Twain describes the ceremony Of
putting up stove. He says
In consequence Of the arrival of cold
weather once more, about these days there
is universal putting up Of stoves, prepar-
aiaEy for the winter campaign, and undoubt-
ed!y great deal Of profanity is INDUCED H.
One who has haI considerable experience
in the work of putting up stoves says the
first step to be taken is to put on a very old
and ragged coat, under the impression that
when be gets bis mouth full Of plaster, it
viii keep bis shirt bosom clean. Next he
gets his hands inside the place where the
pipe ought to 20, aud blscks his fingers, and
then b. carefully makes black mark down
on one side of his nose. It is impossible to
make any headway, in doing this work until,
this mark is made down the side of the nose.
Having got his faee properly marked, the
victim is ready to begin the ceremony. The
head Of the family-who is the big goose Of
the sacrifice -grasps one side Of the bottom
Of the stove, and his wife and the hired girl
take hold Of the other In this way the
load is started fom the woodshed towards
the parlor. Going through the door, tie
head Of the family viii carefully swing his
side of the stove around and jam his thumb
nail against the door. This part Of the GER
emony is never omitted
Having gothic stove comfortably in place,
the next thing is to ind the legs. Two of
these are left inside the stove since the
spring before. The other two must be
hunted after for twenty five minutes They
are usually found under the ccal. Then the
head Of the family holds up one side of the
stove while his wife puts two ofthe legs in
place, and next he holds up the other side
while the other two are fixed, and one of
the first two falls out BY the time the
stove is on its legs, he gets reckless and
takes off bis old coat, regardless of his linen.
Then he goes off for the pipe and gets a
cinder in his eye. It don't make any diff
ference how well the pipe was put up last
year, it will be found little too short or a
little too long. The head Of The familyjams
his hat over bis head, and taking pipe IN
der each arm. goes to the tin shop to have it
fixed
When he comes back he steps upon one
of the best parlor chairs to see if the pipe
fits, and his wife makes him get down for
fear he viii scratch the varnish off from the
chairs with the nails in his boot heel. In
getting down he will surely step on the cat,
and may thank his stars it is not the baby
Then he gets an old chair and climbs mp to
the chimney again to End that in cutting
the pipe off it has been left too big for the
hole in the chimney. So he goes to the
woodshed and splits one side of the end g!
the pipe, with an old axe, and squeezes it in
his hands to make il smaller. Finally he
gets, the pipe in shape and finds that the
stove does not stand true. Then himself
and his wife and the hired girl move the
stove to the left, and the legs fall ont again.
More difficulty with the legs Moved to
the front httle. Elbow not even with the
hole in the chimney, and he goes to the
woo6shed after some little blocks While
putting the blocks under the legs the pipe
comes out Of the chimney That remedied
the elbow keeps tipping over to the great
alarm Of his wife. Head of the family gets
the dinner table out, puts the cid chair on
it, gets his wife to hold the chair, and bal
ances bimself on it to drive some nails into
the ceiling. Drops the hammer onto his
w.fc's head. At last gets the nails driven,
ra@kes wire swing to hold the pipe, ham
n4rs little here. pulls a little there. takes
long breath, and announces the ceremony
completed. Job never put up any stoves s.
It would have ruined his reputation if he
hGd.