Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1869-12-24
The Josh Billings Papers-Female Re.
marks. " +'f

DEAR girls, are yu in sarch ov hus-
band? .. !
/ This IL, a pumper, and yu are rot re-
quired tew say Yes" out loud, but are
expedited tew throw yure eyes down into
the earth, az tho yu waz lookin fur pin,
and reply tew the interrogation with a
kind of drawd in sigh, az tho yu waz eat
ing an oyster, juice and all off from the
half shell. - - 81
Not tew press so tender theme until it
becomes thorn in the flesh. we will pre-
sumo (tew avoid argumenD that. wi are
on the lookout fur sumthing in the male
line tew boost yu in the uphill ov life,
and tew keep his eyes on the britching
when yu begin tew go down the other
side ov the mountain. Let me give yu
sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot
yure future husband:
1.-The, man who'll jellous.ov every lit
tie attenshun which yu git from sum other
fellow, yu will find, after yu are married
tew him, luvs himself more than he duz
yu, &nd what va mistook fur solissitude,
yu will diskover, haz changed into indif.
ference Jealousy isn't a heart disease, it
| il liver complaint. 'H
2. A mustash IL not indispensable it il
| only a little more hair, and IL a good deal
| like moss and other excressences-often
| duz the best on sile that won't raize emmy
| thing else. Don't forgit that those things
which yu admire in a fellow before mar
rage, yu will probably hav tew admire in
| a husband after, and mustash will git
tew be very weak diet after a long time.
g. If husbandstould be took on trial; az
Irish cooks are, tew-thirds ov them would
| probably be returned; but there don't
seem tew be emmy law fur this. There
fore, girls, you will see that after you git a
man, you hav got tew keep him, even if
yu lose on him. Consequently, if yu hav
got emmy cold vittles in the house try him
on them, once in while, during securing
season, and if he swallers them well, and
SEE he will take sum more, he il man
who, when blue Monday Gums, will wash
well.
A. Don't marry a pheller who il alwuz
a telling how hiz mother duz things. Itiz
az hard tew suit theze men az it il tew
wean young one. l...,t ftF
5. If yung man kan beat yu playing
on pianner, and kant hear a fish-horn
playing in the street without turning
back summersett on account ov the musick
that liz in him, say skip him; he might
answer tew tend babe, but if yu set him a
hoeing out the garden, yu will find that
yu hav got tew do it yurself A man
whoze whole heft lies in musick land not
very betty at that), amt no better fer
husband than seedlItz powder, but if he
luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle
ballad, yu will find him, mellow, and so
soft. But don't marry ennybody for list
one yirtew emmy quicker than yu would
flop man for jist one fault.
9. 1t IL one ov the most tuffest things
for female tew be an old maid successful
y. A great menny haz tried it, and made
a bad JOB OF it. .Evrybody seems tew look
upon old maids jist az they do upon dried
harbs-~in the garnet handy for sickness
and-therefore, girls, it amt mistake
that yu should be willing tew swop yur-
self oph, with sum true phellow fur a true
husband. The swop liz good one, but
don't swop fur emmy man who is respekta-
BILE jlst because lhiz father IT, .Yu had bet
ter be an old maid fur a thousand ssyears,
and then join the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price. No woman ever
made this trade -who didn't git either a
phool, mean cuss or clown fur a hus-
band. "a -,
I. In digging down into this subject, i
ind the digging grows harder the further
git. 1t IL mulch easier to inform you
; who not to marry, than who tew, fur the
reason there IL more ov them.
don't think yu will foller mi advice, if
Civ it; and therefore will keep it, for i
look upon advis az do upon castorrile--a
mean dose tew Civ, and mean dose tew
take. - -''.a} ~
| But must say one thing, girls, or Spite.
II yu kan ind bright-eyed, healthy and
well ballasted boy, who looks upon poy-
erty az sassy az child looks upon wealth,
who had rather sit down on the curb.stun,
IN front of the 5th avenue hotel, and eat
ham sandwich. than tew go inside and
run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpickL
one who il armed with that kind ov pluck
that naistakee= defeat fur a victory, nv
advis IL tew take him body and sole-snare
him at unst, fur he IL stray trout, oy
breed very skase in our waters <>'1A3
Take him, say, and bid onto him, az
hornets bid onto a tree. sa.e3t ~