Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-09-03
Nnuarnns.
A oaEAr Bad coal.


die I? Because is is vile inn.
OvER-earnest reservations give men a sus-
picion that the speaker is conscious of his
falsities
THERE is man out West who drinks so
much whiskey that musquitoes that bite him
die of delirium tremens.
a WOMAN of miscellaneous affections says
she would rather have six husbands than one
child.
SoNEBoDY compares Newport to toad,
that sleeps all winter and gives hops in the
summer.
THERE are three degrees of critical express
sion Criticism-hyper-c -criticism-and viper
criticism.
Iris true of many persons that their memo
ry is nothing but a row of hooks to hang up
grudges on.
"WHAr blessings children are!" as the
parish clerk said when he took the fees for
christening them.
QrILP, who has heretofore been a Univer-
salist, now believes there are two things to be
eternaIIy lost-his umbrella and the man
who stole It
THINK before you speak, and consider be-
fore you promise. Take time to deliberate
and advise but lose no time in executing
your resolutions.
A WRITER asks through the Farmers De-
partment of a cotemporary, if any one can in.
form poor man the best way to start
"littIe nursery Get married.
A aSEEyAST GAI' who had a follower
told the lady with whom she had a situation
that she preferred that he should be kept in
ignorance of the fact that she was doing house
work as he snpposed she was boarding"
''But, father, you know love makes time
fy,' said an enthusiastic daughter who
was arguing in favor of longer bridal trip
than usual. eyes, my dear, know it at first,
but you viii find that in the end, time will
make love ay.
A BACHELOR returning the other evening
from an assembly in crowded coach, de-
cared, with a groan, that he had not the
slightest objections TO ''rings on his fngers,"
but he had most unequivocaI aversion to
'6elles on his toes.
DIsAPPoIXrED.-A old woman who went in
to the poultry business some time since under
the expectation that she could make fortune
by selling eggs, has quilted it in disgust, be-
cause, as she says, "The hens'll never lay
When eggs are dear, but always begin as soon
as they get cheap.
4 MAN exclaimed, 'I'll bet a sovereign
1 have got the hardest name in the company
Done, said one Of the company.
What $ your name? ?"
Stone, cried the first
Hand me your money" said the other,
''ny name is Harder"
You ought to acquire the faculty Of being
at home in the best society" said fashion
able aunt to an honest nephew. II manage
that easy enough, responded the nephew,
'by staying at home with my wife and chill
dren."
A couple Of Yankee girls put bull frog in
to the hired mans bed tc see if they could
make him talk. Daniel threw the frog out
the window and never said word. Soon
after be put bushel Of chestnut burrs into
the girls bed, and about the time he thought
they would make the least shadow, Daniel
went to the door and ratified the latch furious
ly. Out went the light aad in went the girls;
but they didn't stick; though the burrs did.
Calling to them, to be quiet; he only wanted
to know if they had ''seen anything of that
peskY bull frog he'd d give two dollars to find
him"
A TRAVELLER called at hotel in Albany,
and asked the waiter for boodack. ''What
for ?" said the astonished waiter ''To take
off my boots" 'Jabers what futp' the
waiter remarked, as he surveyed the mon
strosity, for the man had an enormous foot.
At length-we may say at full length-he
gave it as has deliberate opinion that there
wasn't boo5aek in all creation of any use
for fut like that, and that if the traveller
wanted 'them are boots off he would have
to go back to the fork in the road TO get them
off.
IN one of the courts, few days since, a
very pretty young lady appeared as witness.
Her testimony was likely to result uufortu-
natey for the client of pert young lawyer,
who addressed her very superciliously with
the inquiry: "You are married, / beheve?''
mo sir. "Oh only aboutto be married?''
"No sir. "0nly wish tor "Really,
don't know. Would you advise such a step?''
"0h, certainly / am q married man my
self. :" is it possible? never should have
thought it Is your wife blind or deaf" 1t
is scarcely necessary to add that the discom
fitted attorney did Tot vouchsafe reply.
A FARMER who was pestered with crows hit
upon the plan of soaking some corn in whisky
and placing it in the field SO that the crows
would get drunk, and then he could easily
close on them, After soaking some corn all
night, he put bountifnl supply in the field
early next morning, and in about two hours
he went out to see how things we're progress
iog, and mark what followed. One old crow,
a little larger than the others, had gathered
up and taken possession Of all the soaked
corn, and had built himself bar out OF some
clods Of earth, and was retailing the whisky
soaked corn to the other crows, charging
them three grains Of sprouted corn for one
soaked grain. ae hadn't the gall to kill
creatures that acted so much like human
beings.