The native Virginian. [volume] (Orange Court House, Va.) 1867-187?, 1869-12-24
Nrit ans 9utltnr.


ner at a railway restaurant.
When ia good tune relishedg-
When it's oppor-tIne.
- What society after all but .
mixture OF mister les and miss-erles?
- Mstrimony is now denominated
"twoicide."
- When are tailors and house q
gents in the same. business? When
they are gathering the rents.
- Why are jokes like nuts? Be-
cause the dryer they are the better
they crack.
Why is it easier to be q clergy
man than plyslcian? Because il is
easier to preach than to practice. i
PITY from the "bottom of the
heart" is cheap aims. Pity from the
pocket calls for capital.
- Be sure that your Wanted love
Of God be not a secret fear OF tho De-
vii.
- Why it the root of the tongue
like . detected man? Because it is
down in the mouth.
- Law Is like seive; you may sec
through it but y on must be considera-
BILE reduced before you can get through
1t.
- IL you are envious OF another
woman, never show it by allowing her
every good quality and perfection ex-
cept those which she really possesses.
- Mrs. Elizabeth Staunton says
that after woman is married there is
nothing more OF her, Many victimiz-
ed husband would rejoice il this were
really true.
Death by misadventure' was the
verdict of an Indian coroner's jury on
the body OF woman who looked
through key-hols and had wire
punched in her eye.
-. Sentimental youth. "My dear
Mary, will you share my lot for life 7"
Practical girl, "How many acres in
your lot, sir?"
IF you marry a woman who
knows nothing but TO commit slaughter
on the piano, you have got the poorest
piece Of muslin ever got up.
- Niger deck hands Oh the Mis-
nsaippi boats are addressed as follows
by the mates: "Here, you Fifteenth
Amendment, shove out that plank !"
Over aud above means the same
thing; but there is vast diilenence be-
tween man who is above-board and
one who is overload.
Why 10 a candle-maker the worst
and most hopeless of men? Because
all his works are wicked, and all his
wicked works are brought TO light.
- Josh Billings says that the mos
quito was born OF poor but honest par
ents, who had In their veins some Of ne
best blood in the country
The darkest scene we ever saw
was darby in dark seller, with an
sxtinguished candle looking for black
cat that wasn't there.
A yestward-bound passenger
was lately surprised by the following
announcement OF the conductor: Chi
cago-fiiteen minutes for divorces
a sailor being asked how he liked
his bride is reported to have remarked:
"Why, dye see / took her to be only
half of me, as the parson says; but dash
me if she isn't twice as much as |. /
am only tar-she's a tartar"
Women are said to have stronger
attachments than man. 1t is evinced
in little things. A man is often attach
ed to an old hat, but did you ever know
of woman having an attachment tor
an ola bonnet.
In the eyes of some she is a low
bred woman who stays at home, takes
care OF her children, and never NEEDLES
with the business of her neighbors.
Species almost extinct. We wish there
were few more of them about.
- Mark Twain says Horace Greely
once tried to make living as writing
master, and failed. His COPY was
"Virtue 10 its own reward" and the
scholars got it "Washing with soap is
wholly absurd"
"A lady teacher was endeavo-ing
to impress upon her pupils the terrible
effect of the punishment of Nebuchad-
nezZar saying: "Seven years he ate
grass like cow" when boy asked
ibid he give milk!"
A man in Illinois was afflicted
with rheumatism, and swallowed tour
spoonsfuls OF nostrum given him by
q travelling quack. The dose cured
the rheumatism, but funeral started
from the patients house few days
thereafter.
- An Irish glazier was putting
pane of glass into window, when
groom who was standing by began iok-
him. telling him to mind and put in plen-
ty of putty. The Irishman bore fine
banter for some time, but at last silenc-
ed his tormentor by-"Arrah, now, be
of wild We, or else Iii put a pane In yer
head without any putty"
"A gentleman on stage-coach.
passing through the city OF Bath. and
observing handsome edifice, inquired
OF the driver what building il was. The
driver replied
alt ia the Unitarian Church."
"Unitarian," said the gentleman,
''and what is that?"
81 don't know" said Jshu, "but
believe 1t is the opposition line."
"A certain butcher Of Steubenville
(call him Mr.. y had been very much
annoyed by large dog which had sew
eral times stolen meat from his stall.
Going to Lawyer Tappan, he present
ed his case thus:
"Nr. Tappan | have had beef stolen
from me at various times by dog ia
the town. What shall do?'
"Sue the owner Of the dog and recov-
ey the price Of the beef," was the an
sWer.
"Mr. Tappan, it was your dog" said
Mr., B., exultingly.
"Ahl it was.well, what was the val
ne OF the beef?'
"Threo dollars" replied the butcher.
"Very WE'LL" said Mr.. Teppan, and
paid the money.
With smiling counterance the
butcher was closing the office coor
when he was startled by s'Hcld on, Mr..
d. l charge you five dollars for con-
sultation,"
Good humoredIy paying the fee, Mr..
B. departed with two dollars worth Of