The Portland daily press., 1869-12-21
Terms $500 per AMMAN, in adrance.
Josh Billings Papers.


Dear Girls, are yu in sarch oy a husbapdP
od ms ms " pumper, and yew are not requir-
- ~ " say 1eS' out loud, but are expekted
a." ,m,oW yure eyes down onto the earth, az
.u0 y" was lookin for pin, aud reply tew
ihe iItoi t o-"eory with kind of draulin sigh,
off rom the half shell. '"'0' anu 'i'
Not tew press so tender a thema until II
bekums a thorn in the flesh, we will nres,,ue
(tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look
out Tor sumthing in the male line tew boost
yu in The uphill ov life, and to keep his eyes
on the b"ltcning when yu begin te~ 90 down
the other side ov the mountain. Let me give
yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot
yure fucher husband:
l. The man who is jellous ov every little
attenshun which yu git from sum other fell
10" yu VIII hnd, alter yu are mari led tn him,
IuVs hihlseli more than he duz Nu, and " hat
you mstook lor sollssitude, WI will diskoyer.
has changed into indifference. Jelousy Isn't
heart -diseaZe; it is lIver-complaint.
2. A mustash is not indispensab e il Is on
ly little more hair, and IL good deal like
moss ana other excressences-olte dug the
best on sile that won't raise ennything else.
Don't forgit that those things which yu ad-
mire in phelow before marriage, you will
probably bav tew admire in a husband after,
and mustash will GIT tew be very weak oiet
alter long time.
3. If husbands could be took on trial. as
irish cooks ar, two-thirds ov them would pro-
badly be returned; but there don't seem to be
emmy law for this; tharetore girls, yll will see
that after yu Ct man, yu bave got tcw keep
him, even if yu loos on him. Consequently,
ii yu hav got emmy kold viltles in the hous,
try him on them, once in a while, during
securing season, aud if he swallers them well,
and sez he will take sum more, he is a man,
who, when blue Monday Gums, will wash
well.
A. Don't marry phellar who is alwuz a
telling how his mother does things. 1t Is as
hard tew suit these men as it is tew wean a
yung one.
5. If yung man kan beat yu playing on a
pianner, and kant hear fSh-horn PLAYING in
the street without turning a back summersett
on account OF the musick that is in hun, say
strip him; he might answer tew tend babe,
but it yew set him hoeing out the garden, yu
will find that yu bav got tew do it yourself. A
man whose whole helt lies in musick land
not very heity at that,) amt no better Tor a
husband than a seedlItz powder; but if he
luvs TO listen while yu sing sum Ct ntle ballad,
yu will find him mellow and no soft. But
don't marry ennyboddy for jst one virtew en-
ny quicker than yu would flop man for jst
one fault.
g. 1t is one of the most tuffest things for a
female to be an old maid successfully. A
crate menny has tried i and made bad job
ov it. Everybody seems to look upon old
maids jist as they do upon dried harbs-in
the oarret, handy for slckness-and therefore,
| girls. it amt a mistake that yu should be
| willing tew swop vureself oph, with some
true ?hellow, for husband. 1he swop Is q
good one, but don't swop Tor emmy man who
is respektabel jist bekause his father is. You
had better be au old maid for thousand
years, and then join the Shakers, than tew
buy repentance at this price. No woman ey-
er male this trade who didn't git either a
phoo, Z. mean c1ss, or clown for husband.
Z. In digging down into this subject, find
the digging grows barber the further git 1t
is mutch easier tew inform yu who not tu
marry than who tew, for the reason thare IL
more oy them.
don't think yu will foller mi advise, Il I
give it; and therefore L wi keep it. for look
upon advise as do upon castor iie-a mean
dose 10 give, and a mean dose 10 take.
But must say one thing, girls, or spile. If
you can find bright eyed, healthy, and we'll
ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty al sassy
as child looks upon wealth-who had rather
sit down on the curbstone, in front OF the 9th
avenue hotel aud eat a ham sandwich, than
tew 90 inside, and run in debt for his dinner
and tooth pick-one who is armed with that
kind OF pluck that mistakes defeat for vic
tory, mi advise is tew take him boldly and soul
snare him at wunst, for he is a stray trout,
of a breed very skase in our waters.
Take him, say, and bid on to him, as hor-
nets bid on to tree.-Ne,o York Weekly.