Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-03-09
SOrdG2aeS.

Capital Punishment-Ten thousand year
and nothing to do.
Does man consider woman poem when
she is a-verse to him?
Chicago reporters now call dentist ''tusk-
holster and blacksmith ''vulcanist.
Many good kiss is nipped in the bud by a
four-year old nuisance bringing light into the
room.
Why is a photograph album like the drainer
of a bar counter? Because it is the receptacle
for empty mugs.
A Welsh Proverb.-If a woman were as
quick with her feet as with her tongue, she d
catch lightning enough to kindle the fire in the
morning.
A superintendent of police once made an en-
try in his register from which the following is
an extract The prisoner set upon me, called
me an ass. a precious dolt, scarecrow, rag
amuffin, an idiot-a of which [ certify to be
true.
''Have you dined ?" said hungry man to
his friend
II have, upon my honor, replied he
''Then. replied the first "if you have dlned
upon your honor, L fear you have had scanty
meal
A Frenchwoman who had lost one of her ten
sons chartered with the undertaken about the
price of the burial, saying-"Now, look here,
sir you mustn't be too hard with me. L shall
be good customer, for have ten children
left
An Irishgoman, who is always at war with
her neighbors, and whose troubles are never at
an end, was complaining to her milkman the
other morning about everything rising to such
high prices. To show her that such was not
the case, he said, Madam, the price of milk
is not rising" mo, bedad," she answered,
i'nor the crane naytber.
We once heard man explain the largeness
of his nasal organ By saying that when he was
a little boy it swelled up, and the swelling had
perance society, who excused his frequent
drinks by saying that the doctor told him to
take the liquor as medicine, and he never
told him to stop.
"What's the matter my dear p said wife
to her husband. who had sat for half an hour
with his face buried in his hands, apparently in
great tribulation. ''Oh l don't know" said
he; II have felt like fool all day." "Well. :"
returned the wife, consolingly, Il am afraid
you will never get any better you look the
very picture Of what you feel. y
Near the village of NJ. there lived farmer
who engaged son Of the Emeral Isle to work
for him. One morning in the spring Pat was
sent to harrow a piece Of ground. He had not
worked long before all the teeth-except two
or three-came out Of the harrow. After
while the farmer went out in the field to see
how Pat proceeded, and asked him how he
liked narrowing. Oh replied Pat, lit goes
bit smoother now since the pegs are out.
LARGE MoUTH-A fellow, whose counte
nance was homely enough TO scare Quaker,
was lounging around public house, when he
was observed by Yankee who asked him if
he had not met with an accident when he was
young? What do you mean, you impertinent
scoundrel?" ''Why, | didn't mean nothin"
only you have got such alfred crooked mouth,
| thought as how you might have fall n in
the brook when you were boy, and your
mother hung you up by the mouth to dry
There is blithesome maiden that lives next
door to me; her eyes are black as midnight,
and handsome as can be. Her checks are full
of dimpes, and red as any rose and then this
love of mine, too, has got Roman nose [
asked her if she would have me-this was the
other highland this was her reply. friend =
why, Jimmy, you are tight!' Says l. Il
know | have, love, aboard little wine but
that's not the question-will you, or not, be
mine p And then she put her face, as near
mine as she could, and with the sweetest smile,
friend, said simply that she would-escort ME
to the door, If [ was ready to depart. And
thus 1t WIS that the girl next door declined nv
hand and heart
A PATHETIC SKETCH-A fair young girl is
leaning penslvely on the easement, gazing with
thoughtful brow upon the scene below The
bloom OF fifteen summers tints her cheeks: the
sweets OF thousand flowers are gathered upop
her tull, rounds lips; the curs cling to a spot
less brow, and fall upon neck of perfect grace
the SOFT swimming eyes seem lighted bv the
tenderest TRES OF poetry, and beauty hoyers
over her own most favored child. What are
her thoughts? Love cannot stir bosom so
young-sorroW cannot yet have touched a sni-
rit SO pure. Innocence itself seems to have cbos.
en- her for its own. Alas has DISAPPOINTMENT
touched that youthful heart? Yes, it must be
SO; but hist! she starts-her lips part-sbe
speaks-ilsten Jim, you nasty fool Quit
scratchin' that pig back, or I'll tell mar. >
A man who has been travelling in Texas save.
ut is the hottest and the coolest, the wetfest
and the dryest. the richest and the poorest. the
best and the meanest, has the best women and
the meanest men, and more pretty ladies. with
pretter little feet, and no calves to suit more
sickness and less health, more streams and less
naVlgable waters, more corn bread and less corn
more Hour and less biscuit, more COWS and less
milk and butter, more hogs and less pork, more
chlc5ens and less eggs, more gold and silver
ana less money, more deer and less venisop
more negroes and less labor, more Bureaus and
less furniture than any country in the United
States-and where house flies live always and
mosquitoes never die'