The Louisiana Democrat. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1845-1918, 1869-09-22
sPLINTERS.

Back gammon--The Grecian bend.
A motto for ab-drivers- :" Jam torts
in omnibus" IS
Why can't the captain of q ship keep
q memorandum of the weight Of his
anchor, instead Of weighing it every
time he leaves port
Two lovers courted Miss. Grub. One
named Garrett was successful. The
other left the country, because he de-
tested a garrett, and couldn't live with
out grub.
Bob" said young fellow at fan
cy fair, you are missing all the sights
on this side" "Never mind, Bill" re-
torted Bob, 81 am sighting all the
misses on the Other.n sa1-.zss-s,s
mother" said Ike Partington, did
you know that tie iron horse had
but one cart" Gone ear! mercifnl
gracious, child, what do you mean ~
"Why, the engineer, of course"
An invalid disturbed oil, the inmates
of his boarding house, recently, by imi.
tating dog. When asked Why he did
it, he said lie had been ordered by his
physician to use Port-wine and bark.
Why are sheep the most tlissipated
animals in creationi Because they
gambol in their youth, spend most of
their days on tho turf; the best of
them are blacklegs, and they are sure
to be fleeced ct last.
The author Of q radical total -absti-
nence novel wrote in his book, Drum
kenness is folly" He was much cha
grined when the work came home from
the press to find that the printers had
made it read, drunkenness is jolly
"My dear, did you say or did you not
say what I said you said because Mrs.
Grundy said you said you never did
say what said You said. Now, if you
did say that You did not say what
said you said, then what did yoa say I"
Waiter" said a fastidious gentle.
man, exhibiting a singular looking OBJ
ject on the soup-ladle, Waiter, do
you know what this isf "That, sir.
looks like a mouse, sir. We often find
them in soup, sir. No extra charge,
sir!" -
You say, Mrs. Jones, that you have
lived with The defendant for eight years.
Does the Court understand that you
are married to him I" !" In coarse-it
does.n Have son a marriage-certifi-
catcf" Yes, your honor, three on
'ein-two gals and boy"
A lady at Nashville, Tenn, astonish-
ed at the numbers of General Buell. ar
my, asked of one of the soldiers: "How
far back does your army extend 2"
Madam, it reaches to the North Pole !;
and when left, two other regiments
were trying to get in"
A perplexed housewife introduced to
her guests dish of oysters, the result
of her first efforts at cooking this lus-
cious bivalve, with this explatiOn:
found it very difficult to dress them, 60
I just helt on to their wings and cnt
their stomachs of. guess they'll be
good" aa 3a9s i8siA2 st'1,i
Babies arc said to resemble wheat in
many respects: First, neither are good
for much till they arrive at maturity !;
second, both are bred in the house, and
are also the fewer of the family; third,
both have to DO Graded; fourth, both
are generally we'll thraslled before they
are done with.
Mamma" exclaimed . beautiful
girl, who suffered affectation to obscure
intellect, "what is that long green
thing lying on the dish before you p
A cucumber, my beloved Georgian
replied the doting parent, with a bland
smile of appreciation on her daughters
cOmmendable curiosity. A cUcnm-
Der! always imagined until this mo-
mcnt that they grew in slices |" ia
5"When I was quite a boy" says
Smith, "ny father ordered q coat fol
me- from an Isrselite, and when the gar.
ment came home, it was large enough
for two or three Of my size. The per.
picked jew, after vainly trying to gath
er up the fulness in the back with hi.
hand, 80 that the front might set tight
declared at length that the coat wa'
gOot; it was no fault Of to coat; t.
coat fit goot enough, but to poy wa
too SLIM"
| Alta supper-party at which Dumas
was present, the lady of the house call
ed upon him, in the name Of the othel
guests, to say something brilliant ant
witty. Pray do so, Monsieur Dumas,
she said, when he did not seem to lis
ten to her; "say something witty
that is your business; you are doing q
every day" "Ah!" replied Dumas
If you look upon, the matter in tina
light, am ready to do 80, provided al
the other guests give us likewise Z
specimen of their business. Pray. sir,
lie continued, turning to an artillery
officer on his left, commence, and firt
off o cannon-shot. 1t will be my turn
next" eetiss ~ 81
| A gentleman of the period I" wal
going out in his carriage to make some
calls with his wife, when he discovered
that he had left his visiting cards. H,
ordered his driver, recently come int
his service, to go to tho mantel -piec,
in his sitting-r0Om and bring the card
he sh0nld see there. The servant die
as ordered, retaining the articles to b.
} used as lse was directed, and OFF start
ed the gentleman, sending the drive
with cards wherever the not at home
occurred. As these werc numerous, h
: turned to his servant with the question
How many cards have you loft Z
"Well," said the servant, "the acc o
hearts Is all that remains