Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-08-13

months, IukreaSin, the dose as the pashent
seems tew require.
II is a fust rate way to kourt the girls
mulher a little on the start, for there is l
thing a woman never despises, and that is a
little good courtin, 1t is done on the square.
After the fust year yu will git acquainted,
and will begin to like the biziuess.
There Is thing always advise, that is not
to swop foiygraffs oftner than onst in every
1G dase unless yu forgit how the gal looks
Ockasionallyyu want tu look sorry and
draw in yure wind as tho va had pane; this
will set the girl to teezing W tn find out what
ais yu.
Evening meetings are good thing > tend.
It will keep yure religion IN tune and if yure
girl happens tu be there, bi accident. she can
ask you to go home with her.
Az a general thing I wouldn't brag on 9TH
ergirls much when l was courtln. It might
look as tho yu knew too much.
If you court three years in this wa, all the
time on the square, if you don't say it is the
sleekest time of your life, you can 90 to the
cheapest store in town and git measured for
plug hat at mi expense and pay for it.
Don't court for mummy, nor buty, nor rela.
shuns; those things are just about as the ker-
some lie refining bizness-liable to git out Of
repair aud bust at any mint. Court a gal
for fan, for the love you bear her, for the yir-
tue and biziness there is in her; court her for
a wife, court her as va wood court farm for
the sale, and the perfection of the title; court
her as tho she wasn't fule and yu another.
Court her in the kitchen, over the wash tub
and at the pianner; court this wa, young man,
and if yu don't git wife the fault won't be
in the courtiu.
Yung man, yu can rely on Josiar Billings,
and if yu kant make these rules work jist
send for him, and he viii sho yu how the
thing is did--and it shant cost you cent
CoNPANoNs-in-a arms-T win. babies.
soNgBoDv advertises real-estate dirt cheap.
SHIFTING the responsibility-Dressing the
baby.
a SENIOR wrangler-A wife older than your
SELF
WHAT soup would canibals prefer? The
'broth of boy"
The main-stay of lovely women is the cor
set-of nen, the greenback.
LADIES' wear corsets from instinct nat
ural love for being squeezed.
WHAT part of a gun is fit for wearing APP
parel? The breech is,
II ladies we're cast adrift on the sea, where
would they steer to The Isle OF man.
The sauce manufactured between a pair Of
impudent lips is not the best.
You've AMERICA thinks marriage must be
fayorably to longevity; an old maid never
lives to be more than thirty,
A DisAcREEABLE man down East says be
believes in the woman movement-on wash
ing day.
SIDNEY SMITH compares the whistle OF a
locomotive to the squeal Of an attorney, when
Satan frst gets ahold of him.
"Dos'T care much about the bugs, said
Mrs. Swinkle, shut the truth is, I've not got
the blood to spare.
"SAN, Why am de hogs de most intelligent
folks in de world?' "Because dey nose
everything
4 WON T pay for steaks as tough as these,
said an angry boarder; mo law can compel
me-they're not legal tender"
A Man in Rhode Island was sent to Jail for
ten days for sleeping in church. Nothing
was done o the clergyman.
Az editor in Maine is a great lover of ge-
illogical pursuits, and a cotemporary says he
is the richest man in the State, because he
has always pocket full of rocks.
Kisses are like creation, because they are
made out of nothing, and are very good.
They are also ike sermons, requiring two
heads and an application.
THERE is man who labors under the de-
lusion that .Hon." before mans name
stands for honest. He ought to be in the
museum.
0'LEARY, gazing with astonishment upon
an elephant in menagerie, asked the keep
er, "what kind of haste is that attn hay
with his tail?''
ATTENTION men said a corporal to a
division Of recruits. "When your names are
called you say, here, and he who is not here,
say absent"
FALSE teeth are now sold by the thousand
or by the bushel as may be preferred-and
the next thing viii doubtless be the insertion
Of full sets by steam.
"HAs TIE THING LIT. "A gawky back
woods boy was once at depot of one Of the
Georgia railroads, and was, Of course, deeply
interested in gazing, for the first time, at the
''fxius."
Finally he got inside of the car, and while
INDUCING his unbounded curiosity the whistle
screamed, the bell rang and the steam horse
began to surge at the rate of2 40.
''0h Lordy,n shouted the boy "stop it /
amt gwine.
Bursting forward, he opened the door and
jumped out upon the platform. Just then
the train was crossing deep and cadaverous
looking gorge, on trestle work, and seeing
the earth and tree tops beneath him he faint
ed and fell. Directly he came to and looking
up 70 the conductor, who stood near. he ex-
Claimed with deep sigh:
''Oh Lordy, stranger, has the thing lit?n