The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-11-18
Wit and Hum or.
Notwithstanding women.

Industry must prosper" as the man said
when holding the b-by while his wife chop
ped wood
A bore is a person who keeps talking to
you about himself when you want to talk to
him about yourself.
The darkest scene we ever saw was dar
key in dark cellar, with an extingushed
candle, looking for black cat that WASH t
there
A queer humorist, who has had a hard
time of it, says: When a man begins to 60
down hill, he finds everything creased for
the occasion.
A young wife of seventeen in Chicago has
got a divorce She married fellow who said
he had 100000 when he hadn't cent BE
sides that, he pinched her.
An Iowa editor solemnly vows that he will
not support man for representative ''who is
whiskey barrel in the morning and barrel
of whiskey at night"
1t is stated by a fashion authority that the
fashion for cats will be good deal like those
Of last fall, and espcc ally with those who
have to wear last fali's coats
A Miss Lucy Lee a9vcrtiscs in NIississip
pi paper that she lis Of good birth and edu
cation, and is willing to marry an editor be-
lieving herself able to support one.'
"Jane, give the baby some laudanum and
put it to sleep, and bring me my parasol
am going to meeting for the ameloration oil
the human race
An Irishman leaning against lamppost as
funeral pre- sssion was passing by, was ask
ed who was dead. II can exactly say. sur,
but presume it is the sintleman in the CO..
fin.
man met with an accident recently in
Maine, whereupon the newspaper said Mil
lers skull was badly fractured and survived
only twenty four hours ia an unconscious con
d.tion."
A San Francisco barber has invented
'shampooing helmet" 1t fits close to the
head, and has no crown. The suds are pour
ed in, 'sloshed about" and then run off by
means of a tube.
The following slanderous paragraph goes
unrebuked: "a wag has invented new tel
egraph. lie proposes to place line of wo-
men fifty steps apart, and commit the news to
the first of them as secret"
John, said a pious uncle. to his nephew
who was paying his first visit to the city, John
we're in the habit of saying something before
we eat. All right, said John. Go ahead !
You can't turn my stomach
A young lady who teaches music in an acad
.onov In Woctarp Naur VorIy cont -,
publisher recently, in which she had speIt the
words very badly. She apologizcd by adding
postscript as follows: ''You must exkews
this letter, as I pha by noat, but spell hi car"
Scotchman who had hired himself to
farmer, had cheese set down before him.
that he might help himself The master had
occasion to remark some time aftcrward -
Sandy, you take long time to breakfast. In
troth, master, answered he, cheese O. this
size is nae soon eaten as yc may think.
A New York editor, if not now married
never will be. for he says: 1.-The good, hon
est lasses we knew in years agone seem like
choice dreams compared to the walking shop
windows, the hair peddling, ribbon Ainging
tetter-tipping, gew gaws Of humanity, now
called girls"
Mrs. Carewell was asked what she thought
ct her neighbor Jones, and with knowing
wink replied I don't like to say anything
about my neighbors; but as to Mr.. Jones,
som etimes I think, and then again don't
know after all, rather guess he'll turn out
to be a good deal such fellow as l took him
for
"Seventy-fve cents per gall exclaimed
Mrs Darlington on looking over the price cur
rent. "Why bless me, what is the world CON-
ing to, when the gals are valued at seventy.
five cents y The old lady pulled off her spec
tacles, threw down the paper, and went into
brown study on the want of. proper appreci
alton of the true value Of the female gender.
At certain fam house the family about
to partake of breakfast, sat down. The ole
man being lover of squirrels, and that be-
ing the principal dish of the MORNINGS re-
past. had his particular piece laid on the side
Of the dish next to him. He comm need
saying grace as fellows: ooh, Lord. we
thank thee for the blessing thou hast set be-
fnre us do thou guide nd direct us through
life here raising his eyes. he perceived his
aoo Gideon laying his hands on his choice
piece of squirrel, and then in hurried man
ner ended the grace, "deliver us from evil
FOR the Lords sake, Amen by golly, Gid, |
IT, Is my piece hand it here