Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-09-24
80 80
HElIlnOr.

Is marriage license bill of attained
Young ladies who play croquet are known
As ssmaidens all for lawn" '.se ao... s4sl q .
'Should old acquaintance be forgot ?"
Not if they have money. =
The ties that connect business men with
the public-advertise. a.F-. 3zsat
Some lawyers resemble folks who can
sleep in any position. 1t is immaterial on
which side they lie.
The printer who kissed his sweetheart.
saying, s'please exchange" is believed not
to have exceeded the liberty OF the press" ..
'.Why are hot cakes like caterpillars Pr
"Because there are the grub that makes the
butter fly fla gl e
A girl in Winconsin swallowed forty per-
cussion caps. Her mother refrained from
spanking her for fear Of an explosion.
Motto for rejected suitor-He wooed,
and she wouldn't. He cooed, but she
couldn't
Josh Billings says: eff I was in the hab-
it of swearing, wouldn't hesitate to cuss a
bed-bug right to his face" -'-'.. = v y
Sunday School Teacher ''Gerty, you
were very good little girl to-day" Gerty:
eyes, ma, am, I couldn't help being good
I had a stiff neck.
Toacher-''Peter, you are such a bad
boy. that you are not fit to sit in the COM
pany of good boys on the bench. Come up
here and sit by me, sir"
A COMMON CoMpLA1NT.-A man up town
has got so deep into debt that not one of bis
creditors has been able to see him for
months.
A sentimental chap intends to petition
Congress for grant to improve the channels
of affection, SO that henceforth the course of
true love may run smooth.
Mrs. A. K. Bailey, editress of the De-
corah, Qowa,) Republican, apologies for
the detention of her paper, "because Of the
late arrival of an extra male
W1FE.-'I don't think husband that you
are very smart" ''No, indeed, wife; but
everybody knows that I am most awfully
shrewed." -tf t-t-t---5
A Michigander, who was arrested for
stealing goose, said he found the bird his
sing at tho American flag, and arrested it
for treason. -4lt st-ls,7- s''
A farmer being asked if his horses were
matched said, eyes, they are matched first
rate; one Of them is willing to do all the
work and the other is willing he should"
A New Highlander who had never seen
rattlesnake killed one in Iowa few days
ago. He described it as "a pretty snake
that played a tune with its tall" ........
A wan whose wife, hung herself in his
presence, on being asked why he did not pre-
vent the tragedy, replied, II cut her down
three times last week, and I can't be always
cutting her down"
A gentleman standing on the street OBJ
served lady passing who was gotten mp
regardless of expense, and turning to his
friend, said, "By Jove, Charley, isn't she
splendidly upholstered %
A matron, whose husband shores badly,
keeps clothes-peg underneath her pillow,
and when his snoring awakes her, she ad-
justs the peg on his nasal organ, and then
slumbers peacefully,
A little boy on being asked to what trade
he would wish to be brought up, replied
II will be a trustee of the poor, because
ever since papa has been trustee we've
had pudding for dinner"
Henry Ward Beecher says, on the hair
dyeng question eff man will be happier
for it, let him do it. IF his wife will love
him better, or if she will be made happier,
in the name oflove let him dye"
A friend was speaking to Thackeray of |
lately deceased bacchanalian, an ardent dis
ciple of Barclay & Perkins: "Ahp' said !
the great humorist, with twinkle in his eve |
and chuckle in his sigh, "Ah !' said he,
stake him for half-and-half, we meier shall |
look upon his like again p
A person being seated at table between
two tradcsmen, and thinking to be witty up
on them, said F.: "How prettily [ am fixed |
between two tailors." "Yes, being only
two beginners in business, we cannot afford
to keep more than one goose between us"
was the retort.
CAUTION TO SISTERS -Harriet-..I saw.
Charley, I've been stealing somo of your
scent; but it isn't very something odd
about it-smell"
Clarley-"Not wiped your lips with it, l
hope? It's the new stuff for my moustaches.
Brings 'em out an inch every night"
An old Dutchman undertook to wallop
bis son, but Jake turned and walloped him.
The old man consoled himself for his de-
feat by rejoicing at the sons superior man
hood. He said:
"Vell, Jake is shmart fellow. He can
yip his own daddy"
A thirsty Quaker having stopped at
tavern to get pot of beer, and observed
that the measure was deficient, asked the
landlord how many casks he drew in
month. ''Ten," was the reply s'And
wouldst thou like to draw eleven, nv friend?o
eyes" "Then will tell thee how; Fill
thy measure, and thee will draw it."
Rev. Moses Glampit. an eccentric preach
er, was holding forth at Santa Clara Valley;
young man rose to 60 out, when the
preacher said. "Young man, if you'd rath-
s e., 60 to hell than hear me preach, you may"
The sinner stopped and reflected moment,
.! then saying respectfully. "Well, I be-
lieye would" went on.
Int religious excitement in Boston, person
met neighbor, who took him by the hand
and said, II have become Christian" II
am glad of it," replied the other; suppose
we have settlement of that little account
between us. Pay what thou owest." ''No,"
sad the new born child, turning on his
heeis religion, is religion and business is :