The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-06-03
Nit and H,.a,eos.

Moving Tor new trial--courting a second
wifeea1k " Gi,rA $40 ,lHFf5'2 /
What land, Of all lands of the earth, do
lovers ike best? = sIapland. ~ q -ssEfoa
a'sPeter, are you into them swcetmcats
again i -, No n ma al1 the swcctmeats are
"A Schoolnlastcr's Prpverb the softer the
head, the harder the work Of, driving anything
intolt .syit''asl fsssogsai p 'la9gls 500 81
Mfr Gripps can't exactly keep a hotel, but
he can almost anything else that falls in his
way and he generally does it.. Il se;
When may young ladies be said to be eco.
nomical When they resort to tight lacing
toprevent waist-fulness. d v a-i,sa sasl'
l"aThc last link is broken that bound me to
thee,D as the horse said when he kicked off
his traces and ran away from the plow. e
"A colored lady, Boosting the other day of
the progress made by her son in arithmetic
exultingly said, IS He is in the modification
table" - &
A person of experience crystallizes the
wisdom he had acquired in that way in the
following sentence: e Courtship is bliss, but
matrimony is blister. )"
Josh Billings says that if man proposes
to serve the Lord, he likes to see him do it
when he measures his corn, as well as when
he hollers glory hallaluyer. Z
A lady speaking of the gathering of law
yers to dedicate new Court House, said she
supposed they had gone g to view the ground
where they must shortly ze.".
isA'soldier being asked if he had met with
much hospitality while he was in Ireland,
replied: !" That he was in the hospital nearly
all the time he was there"
Wanted-about 400 young men to stand
in front of the different church doors on Sun
day evenings and stare, ladies in the face
when they retire from church.
During an examination, medical student
being asked the question, "when does morti-
fcation ensue ~ when you pop the ques-
ton, and are answered no. rt4 sea.,l,
A country clergyman says he has married
but one couple in year, and that they paid
him nothing, stayed to dinner as it was a
rainy day, and then borrowed his umbrella
when they left, which he has never seen since.
"Why do you drive such pitiful looking
carcass as that? Why don't you put heav-
Ter coat of flesh on him, Pat ?" "A heavier
coat of flesh On him! By the powers, that
poor creature can hardly carry what little
there is on him now"
A piously inclined person was exhorting
Pat on the subject Of religion. He indignantly
answered: g Sure, an didn't /. jine the
Methodists? Fax and did I jined for
six months, and behaved myself so well they
let me off with three"
A wag says of woman: To her virtue we
give love; to her beauty we give admiration
to her whims we give indulgence; to her
tongue we give liberty; to her wants we give
onr purses; to her person we give ourselves
to her hoops the whole pavement. 80
Oar are, p said sable orator, 1.-TWO roads
through this world. De one am broad and
narrow road that leads to perdition, and de
udder am narrow and broad road that leads
to sure destruction" 6 IF dat am dc case,'
said sable nearer, G dis colored individual
takes to de woods"
when young lady is very frivolous"
said a gentleman with Pecksnifian air of
speaking on general terms and meaning some
one in particular, g I pay very little attention
towhat she says. Her remarks pass in at
one year and out of the other" C That is
upon the principle that things pass readily
through vacuum, rejoined the lady,
A promising young shaver Of FIVE or six
years was reading his lesson at school one day,
in that deliberate manner for which urchins
of that age are somewhat remarkable As
he proceeded with the task he came upon the
passage, Keep thy tongue from evil, and
thy lips from guile" Master Hopeful drawled
out, " Keep-thy- tongue from eyyil-and
-thy-lips-from- girls" 5,.s
An English paper gives the following from
a Quaker in the country to a friend in the
city:
Friend John, desire thee to be so kind
as to go to one Of those sinful men in the
flesh called an attorney, and let him take an
instrument with seal fixed thereunto by
means whereof we may seize the outward tab
ernacle of George Green, and bring him be-
fore the lambskin men (the judges at West
minister and teach him to do as he would be
done by. And so rest thy friend in the
light. .,-' r. G."
In Alabama not long since, they tried a
fellow for stealing hogs. The jury, after
hearing the testimony, retired to the woods to
make up their verdict. In short time they
returned with verdict of g Guilty Of hog
stealth in the fust degree" The Judge told
them that they should have assessed the value
of the hogs chat there was no degree in hog
stealing; and that they must return and
bring the verdict in proper form" Again
The jury retired to the woods. After some
dclibhration old Tim Turpin proposed to
write out the verdict, and they returned to
the court house. Old Tim handed the vc1-
dict to the clerk, and the clerk read as fol-
lows: 1--WE, the jury, pusilanncrmously doth
find the defendant guilty in the sum Of one
dollar and half in favor Of the hogs"