Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-10-01
THIlnfOr.


Note for dull people-B sharp
A well-known field oficer-A kernel OF
corn.
A wooden wedding Marrying a block
head.
Men who take things as they come along
Thieves.
The Neport News heads its births with
New Music
Troubles are like babies, they grow big
ger by nnreing.
Men and hogs are the only beasts ever
known to get drunk.
Every man owes SO much to himself that
he is never quite able to pay it off.
Babies arc the coupons attached to the
bond Of matrimony The interest is due at
random.
If flock Of geese see one of their number
drink, they will all drink too. Men are on
ly great geese.
If you go into store and find the propri-
etor lying on the counter asleep, you may
bet your boots he don't advertise.
An editor down South, who served four
days on jury, says he's so full Of law that
it is hard to keep from cheating somebody.
A Chicago girl says that she don't get
married, for the reason that she don't know
whose husband she might be marrying.
The latest natural curiosity is dog which
has a whistle growing at the end Of his tail.
He calls himself when wanted.
A Chicago girl broke off her engagement
with man for the reason that he sneezes in
his Sleep If it wouldn't be impertinent,
we would like to know how she found it out.
In Cork, Ireland, short time ago, the
crier of the court endeavored to clear it by
exclaiming, 'All ye blackguards that isn't
lawyers, leave the court
"Won't you take half of this apple ?"
said pretty damsel. "No, 1 thank you,
I would prefer better half Eliza blush
ed and referred him to papa.
"What makes you grum, Tom 7" "Oh, |
have had to endure sad trial to my feel
ings." "What on earth was it 2" ''Why, I
had to tie on pretty girls bonnet while her
ma was looking on
A strong minded woman in New York
was heard to remark the other day that she
would marry man who had plenty Of mon
ey. though he was SO ugly she had to scream
every time she looked at him.
Wanted: A cover for bare suspicion, a
veil for the face of nature, buttons for the
breechcs of privilege, binding for volume
of smoke, and cement for broken engage
ments.
In China if a young man is not married
by the time he is 20 years of age, he is
drummed out of town. No doubt the young
ladies of this county wish such custom pre-
vailed here.
We once heard of man in Winconsi1e
who went swimming one day, and after
scrubbing awhile with a brush, he found an
undershirt and pair of drawers that he
thought he had lost two years previous.
A Chicago husband seeks divorce be-
cause his wife has habit of beating him
with broom sticks, cracking his head with
lion bars, throwing tumblers at him, scratch
ing him and kicking him out of bed
A young lady who was rebuked by her
mother for kissing her intended, justified the
act by quoting the passage: Whatsoever
We would that men should do unto YOU, do
you even SO to them"
They have new kind of wedding in Iowa
called involuntary wedding" When a
scoundrel scduces and won't marry the girl,
they point his head at a revolver, and tell
him to "come down., or the top of his head
makes soup-bowl. He generally comes
Ma, has Aunt Jane got bees in her
mouth :? No, my son, why do you ask such
question: Because, heard Mr.. Brown
tell her that he would take the honey from
her lips, and he was SO long about it that
wonder that he did not get stung.'
Two dutchman sat quietly fishing on the
bank Of river recently, when the following
con ersation took place in regard to the luck
they were having docs nothing pite you,
Hans p "Neigh, noting at all.'' "Vell,"
replied first dutch, nothing pites me too
"Why, Charles" said Yankee to COL
Ored preacher, "you can't even tell me who
made the monkey" "Oh, yes, can massa r'
''Well, who made the monkeyY' ''Why,
massa, the same one made the monkey that
made you"
While an ignorant lecturer was describ-
ing the nature Of gas, blue-stocking lady
inquired of gentleman near her what was
the difference between oxygin and dydrogip?
Very little madam, said he. 'sBy oxygin.
We mean pure gin. and by hydrogen, gin
and water"
A minister, on his way to Church one
Sunday morning. saw boy on the river
bank, fishing.
you know it's wicked to catch fish on Sun
day?'
4.Guess / hain't sinned much vet" said
the boy, without taking his eye off the cork,
''hain't had bite yet"
Minister soughed and went on.
An inquisitive urcbin the other day, while
reciting lesson (says an excbange,) from
sermon on the mount, broke out:
.'Ma, did Jesus get $1,000 year for
preaching p
mo, my child; he did not get anything
why didn't they pay him ?"
Because He refused to preach politics =
The devil offered Him good salary to do it
but he would not accept the call" 4
An INDECENT youth being asked why he
was so shamefully fond of his pillow, to the
manifest injury of his reputation replied
81 am engaged every morning in hearing
counsel. Industry and Health advise me to
rise-Sloth and Idleness to lie still: and