The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1869-10-08

tiou. Poker. sevon-up, and . vain
modern expense for soap. unknown
to your glorious ancestors, have dc.
plcted your purses. Appropriating
in your simplicity tho property Il
others has gotten you into trouble.
disappearing facts, in your sin.
less innocence, has damaged your
reputation with the soulless usurp-
er. Trading for forty-rod whiskcy,
to enable you to get drunk and hap
py and tomahawk your families, has
played the everlasting mischief wit h
the picturesqc pomp Of your dress
and here you are, in the broad light
of the nineteenth century, gotten
up like the ragtail and bobtail OF
New York! For shamc! Remen
ber Uncas land Red Jacket -
and Hole-in-the Day land Horace
Greeley Emulate their achieve
ments Unfurl yourselves under
my banner, noble savagcs, illastri-
Gus guttersnipcs--"
"Down wild him -
"Scoop the blagyard
Hang him -
"Burn him - ..
"Dhrcwnd him !"
It was the quickest operation tha.
ever wac. I simply saw a sudden
fash in the air Of clubs. brickbats,
fists, head baskets and moe asi ns-
a single fash and they oil appeared
to hit me at once. and no tive oi
them IN the same place. In the
next instant the entire tribe was
npon me. They tore all tho clothes
oft me, they broke my arms and legs.
they gave me thump that dcnted
the top Of my head, till it would
hold coffee like . saucer 5; and to
crown their disgraccful proceeding.
and add insult to injury, they
threw me over the horseshoe Fall,
and l got wet. r.. ....sx ..:.
About ninety ora hundred feet
from the top, the remains of my
vest caught on q projecting rock,
and was almost drowned before /
could get loose. I finally fell, and
brought up in q world Of white foam
ct the foot Of the Fall whose cclled
and bubbly masses lowered. up sew
eral inches above my head. OF
course I got into the eddy. sail
ed round and round in it forty-four
times-chasing chip and gaining
on it-each round trip half mile =
reaching for the Same bush on the
bank forty-four times, and just ex-
actly missing it by ; hairs breadth
every time. At last ! man walked
down and sat down close to that
bush, and put : pipe in bis mouth,
and lit match. and followed me
with one eye and kept the other on
the match while hs sheltered it in
bis hands from the wind. Present
ily puff Of wind blew it out. The
next time I swept round be said:
Got . match 20 zt .e
Yes-in my other vest. Holp
me out please. F." ri
fs" Not for Joe.' E. s.ssa
When I came roun6 again I said:
Excuse the seemingly imperti-
nent curiosity Of > drowning man,
but you will explain this singular
conduct Of yours - ..4 sa
T" With pleasure. I am the cor
oner. Don't hurry ON my account.
| can wait for you. But wish /
had . match !" .sy*-.srs-.s 81
II ! said I" Take my place and
I'll 60 and get you one. j..
He declined. This lack of con-
fdenco on his part created . cool
ness between us, and from that time
forward l avoided him. It was my
idea. in case anything happened to
me. to 90 time the occurrence as to
throw my custom into the hands Of
the opposition coroner over on the
American side. At last q police
man came along and arrested mo
for disturbing the peace by yelling
at people on shore for help. The
Judge fined me. but l had the ad-
vantage Of him. My money was
with my pautaloons. and my panta-
looms were with the Indians.
Thus | escaped. l am now lying
in . very critical condition. At
least | am lying, any way-critical
or not critical. -
| am hurt all over, but | cannot
tell the full extent yet, because the
doctor is not done taking the inycn-
tory: He will make out my mani
fest this evening. However, thus
far he thinks only six Of my wounds
are fatal. don t mind the others.
Upon rsgaining my right mind. /
said: 1t is IN awful savage
tribe Of Indians that do the head
work and moccasins for Niagara
Falls, doctor. Where are they
froms"
= Limerick, my son.
/ shall not BE- able to finish my
remarks about Niagara Falls until
| get better.
MARK TWAIN.
Proceedings Of tho Teach
ers Inst titute, u ED at ca ek.
C0, sept. 27th 1869.
The teachers Of Howard county
met At Samson's Hall pursuant to