The democrat. [volume] (Weston, W. Va.) 1868-1874, 1869-01-04
VAN TRUMp's LETTERS.
NUMBER YOUR.
Van Trump Moralizcs-on the subject
of"Swcaring OFT"

Having disposed, for the present, OF
the subject of the United States Senator,
we have thought best, on this suspicious
occasion. to moralizc somewhatly. New
Years day has long been noted for many
things, and chiefly for the fact that 1t
comes but ono time in agar, Young
men and womcn-e>pccially young men
are prone upon this occasion, TODD little
business in the way Of good resolu'
TONS" which usually last until-they're
ready to break EN-. My old friend Doe
sticks-P. Is. you know, was noted for
swearing off, lie once give in his cxpo-
,ieace Of a New Years '.swcar off" about
rs follows: Firstly, and principally. |
resolved to do without my friend Beer.
Now l like beer; he has been u good
friend of mine, aud has stuck to nc a
good deal closer than most brothers will
/ do, unless they chance to be poor rca-
tons. But Beer had served mo rather
shabby trick a few days before-or rather
he played shabby trick on friend Of
minc-hc threw him down on the side
walk and coaxed railroad car to nearly
run over me, aud then took my friend in
to a tavern where he got him into more
scrapes in two hours than could get oat
Of in two weeks, and left my poor friend
with headache which kept me in bed all
day, and also got somebody to give my
friend a black eye of such dimensions
that couldn't show myself in the street
for ten days. So ! resolved to part with
Beer. Now, when l say Beer, l don't
con6nc my meaning exclusively to that
fluid made of malt and hops Which they
always give you when you ask for Beer,
but mean the Whole family Of which Beer
| is cuusiu-Rum Punch, brandy Cock
tail, Gin Sling, Bourbon Sour, and all
those other distinguished gentlemen with
whom Beer always associates. So de.
,crmined to "swc;r off" and Mr.. New
Years day was to be the first day.
Got up early in tic morning, heard men
firing big guns big guns always make
my head ache; they did this time; went
into uplacc to get some medicine to cure
headache; man gave nc something hot
| in a tulnblcr which smelt Of lemon told
man hoped there wasn't any Beer Of
any kind in it, ns | had sworn of. He
gave Inc his word that there wasn't drop
Of Beer in it. So | took it. 1t did my
headache good, so l took some more !;
then took a third glassful, lest the man
should think l was u Homeopathic. and
afraid to take medicine in large doses,
and don't want anybody to think that.
Went out; on next corner met jones
Jones caught me by the hand aud shook
it as if he had a big bet on shaking hands
with me fifty times in forty eeconds, and
was triAc behind me on his thirty.ninth
round. Said Jones, Congratulate me,
old Doesticks. Shes done it-I're done
it; no, nere done it. Come in and have
something, come in and" Here ]
stopped my cstimnble friend to try and
find out what had been done, when he
again burst out: "My wife-my wife,
old BOY, my wife has been and gone and
in fact it's a DoY-a BoY, old chap
think Of that-a BOY, all complete. home
manufacture-head on him. You ought
to hear him yell--felt on him too, on the
other end Of him; you ought to see him
kick-furnislcd with lungs. heart, ears,
eyes, all completely fitted up in first rate
crdcr-bowels, too, lots Of 'em. You
ought to see-no, perhaps it wouldn't
interest you; but conc and take drink
to The baby. Jones'. said |, solcmnly,
Clones, have no doubt your baby is a
good enough baby. in fact, we'll admit
that it is frst-class article Of baby, but
cant drink, I'se spern off, Jones
was astoni.hed. "Not drink to my baby
our baby? Not drink the health Of
that interesting cherub-not-why Doc
sticks, you don't understand the trcmcn-
dous magnitude Of the occasion. Let Tic
explain: Last night at nine o'clock my
baby hid wife-my first, no, her first.
no, no, or first, and wc'vo got nurse,
and she, good deal better than could be
expected, my wife, mean, not tile nurse.
You understand, at nine o'clock my wife
had a nurse, no, my baby had n wife, or
rather my wiic had baby, or rather the
baby had nurse. No, l mean, my wife
had baby-1 cant tell you what mean,
you bother me so, but come in and have
! 81,