Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-11-05
Hul,lOr.

Laying down the law-Flooring coun-
sellor.
Money is very tight said thief who
was trying to break open bank-vault.
Satan, as Master is bad his work much
worse: his wages worst Of all.
Many people care to pray, but not how
they pray.
A piece Of work no printer ever yet turn
ed up his nose at-the proof of the pudding.
This is my dynasty as the fly said when
he was smothered in soft-soap.
If brevity is the soul of wit what great
amount Of fun there is in the tail OF fash
ionable coat
If a woman wanted to buy out cigar
store would she be likely to find any "to-
baek-er" in it?
"Sally," said lover to his intended,
"give us kiss. will you p "No, shan't, )"
said Sally; "help yourself"
In marriage, the heart Oft widow is like
furnished apartment, where one is apt to
find something left there by a former ledger
Some uneducated persons can accomplish
much. Many a man who can't write has
made his mark.
der, stopping him, reproachfully referred
to the promised supper in Paradise.
'.True, my son, true, said the priest,
''but never take supper"
In reply to paper which called General
Sherman the coming man. Georgia journ-
al says it "hopes that he is not coming that
way again"
A man in Iowa has invented gun that,
he SAYS. will kill at distance Of fourteen
miles This is the gun we wished for when
in the home guards.
To do the thing properly in New York at
a wedding, the bride must have eight brides
maids and hundred-dollar poodle besides
the one she marries
To bring out moustache, tie it to a
strong cord twenty feet long, to the other
end Of the cord attach heavy smoothing
iron, and throw the latter from fourthstory
window.
Low necked shirts are pronounced the
the latest style for nice young men. Just
imagine sweet youth with his hair parted
in the middle, a brass-headed cane-and a
low-necked shirt.
a fellow in Chicago, under arrest as a
vagrant, was put through the usual course Of
questions, which he answered satisfactorily
until it came to the point. "are you married
or singles" Being on his oath, the poor fell
dow couldn't really tell.
Two boys were sent to purchase water
melon. and as they were bringing it home
said one to the other: Don't let it fall
Billy, COS if it breaks we'll have to eat il
right here, and can't take any home Billy
guessed it wouldn't fall--but it did.
A gentleman who had drowned butter
fly in whiskey, so as to preserve it, was rem
onstrsted with by young lady for his cru
city. Another lady present remarked that
she didn't think it was at all cruel. as it had
died in such good spirits.
A gentleman dining with member of the
Society of Friends, after having eaten enough
for four moderate visitors, elped himself
exclaiming. 'sYou see it's cut and come a
gain with met" To which the sectarian
gravely replied. Friend. cut again thou
mayst but come again thou never shal.''
It is said that man in Lowell, Massa-
ehusetts, has invented scare crow that is so
hideous that crows all around there are car
rying back the corn they stole last summer
New Orleans has found it out, and is anxi-
ously waiting to see if it won't brighten But
Ter in to carrying back those spoons.
Preaching AND Practice A Spanish
priest once, exhorting the soldiers to fight
like lions, adding, in the ardor of his enthu-
siasm: Reflect, my children, that whose
ever falls to-day sups tonight in Paradise. 4"
Thunders Of applause followed the senti-
ment. The fight began, the ranks wavcred,
and the priest took to his heels when SOL
Dutchman-s'Goo morrow, Pat; how
you tuz ?" Irishman-"The top of the
mornin till We, Smitt; dye think veil get
rain the day2' DISADVANTAGES no ye
never hash mooch rain in der dry time p
Irishman--'Faith, an yer right there.
Smitt an thin whineyer it gifts in the way
O raining niver bit O. dhry wither will
we git as long as the wet spell howlds"
Mother wants to know if you won't please
to lend her your preserving kettle, cause she
wants to do up some apple sarse." Il would
with pleasure, boy. but the truth is, the
last time we lent it to your mother she pre-.
served it SO effectualy that we have not seen
it SINCE well, you needn't be sarsv
about your old kettle. Guess it was full Of
holes when VIC borrowed it and mother
would't have troubled you again only we
seed you bring home new ONE
An occasional correspondent of ours, meet
ing party of settlers the other day in Tex
as, inquired from the conductor what the
men IN the first wagon were invented for.
.'To clear the forests"
"Well, said be, sand what are those in
the second for?''
''To build the huts," was the reply.
''And the old white headed man in the
third wagon-~what is be for 2" was the next
question asked, to vhich the reply was given
ooh, thaft my father. we shall open our
new cemetery with him H'
Our correspondent did not inquire further
NEGRO ELoQUENcE.-H Sancho Brown.
negro member of the South Carolina
Legislature, lately got disguised, at the
spread eagle style of speaking INDUCED in
by a white member and delivered himself
thus: ''Sah, jist wish for to ak dis house
if dey is gwine to low de gemplin, wot am
now TUX his seat, for to stan on de flo OBJ dis
scmblage, and spread hissef afo de conglo
lucrative wisdom OBJ Souf Caroliney, wild dat
turn ob-de crank ob. de- uniberse. style which