The union Democrat., 1869-06-12
NUMBER 4.
sCLLUM THOUGHTS
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

The fear Of Coo il the philosophy ov reli-
gion; the lore os God is the charity ov reli-
gion.
Hope is hen that lays more eggs than
she kan hatch out.
Better leave yure child virtew than money;
but this iE a sekret known only tsw a few.
| honestly believe it IL better tew know
| nothing than tew know what amt so.
About the hardest work phellow kan do
il tew spark two gals, at once, and preserve
a good average.
Prudery IL one ov virtew's ba,taras.
Anickname will oatlive emmy man or thing;
| it ix like the crook in dogg's taile you may
cut it ooh. and throw it behind the barn, but
the crook is there yet, and the stump is sho
epitaph.
If you aralize what most men call pleI1ure,
you will find it compozed ov one part hum
bugg, and two parts pain.
When you hain't got nothing tew do, do
it at once this IL the way to learn to be
bizzv. .....
! We hav been told thatthe best way to over
KUN misfortunes IL tew fight with them
hav tried both ways, and recommend q sue
cessful dodge.
The art ov becoming ov Importance in the
eyes ov others, IL not tew overrrate ourseit,
but tew cauze them tew DO it.
The true way to understand the judgements
ov heaven is t. submit to them.
Method iz everything. espeshily tew or
binary men; the few men who kan lift a
tun, at pleasure. hav divine right to take
holt ov it tew disadvantage.
The mind ov man il like piece ov land
that, tex be useful, must be mannured with
learning, ploughed with energy. sown with
virtew, ard harvested with ekonemy.
Where religion liz trade, morality IL
merchandise.
Conversashun should be enliyened with wit,
not composed ov it.
The less a man knows, the more he will
guess at and guessing il nothing more than
suspicion.
Going tew law. iz like skinning new
milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat
tew the lawyers.
Death, tew most ov us. IL Lind ev "fare-
well benefit, positively our last sppear-
ance."
Phoools are quite often like hornets, very
bizzv, but about what, the Lord only knows.
Living on Hope, il like living on wind, q
good way tew git phull, but poor way tew
git phatt.
jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, il
l
don't expekt to.
Sekrets are mortgage on friendships.
don't think bad man in AZ dangerous az
weak one i don't think bile that haa
cum tew a head, IL az risky as hidden one,
that may cum tew dozen heads.
A vivid amaganashun iz like sum glasses,
makes things at distance look twice az big
az they am, and cluss to, twice az small az
they am.
Hope IL draft on futrrity, sumtimes hon
ored, but generally extended.
If the world dispizes hypokrit, what
must they think cv him in Heaven.
Flattery IL like Kolone water, tew be smelt
ov, not swallowed.
After all, there don't seem tew be but this
difference between the wize men and the
phoos the wize men are all fuss and sum
feathers, while the phools are all fuss aud
no feathers. --..-
Without friends and without enemys IL
the last reliable ackount we hav ova stray
dog.
Men generally, when they whip q mule,
sware; the mule remembers the swearing,
but forgits the licking.
Sum folks wonder WHARF awl the lies cum
from. but | don't, one good liar will pizen u
whole country.
Hunting after fame IL like hunting after
feas, hard tew ketch. and sure tew make you
eneazy if yu dew or don't ketch them.
Menny people spend their time trieing
tew find the hole WHARF sin got into this
world-if two men break through the ice
into a mli-pnnd, they had better hunt for
sum good hole tew git out, rather than git
into u long argument about the hole they
cum tew fall in.
Imaginashun, tew much indrlged in, soon
IL tortured into reality; this iz one way that
good boss thiefs are made, man leans over
fence oil day, and imagnes the boss in the
lot belongs tew him, and sure snuff, the fust
dark night, the boss does.
If you must chaw terbacker. young man.
for Heaven S sake, chaw old plugg, it IL the
nastyest.