Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1869-06-18

L waters pout-l tenn peiance orltun-
The nets theologians take to chiefly are tenets.
" Here's 10 internal improvements - as Doih-
said when he swaliowc.. dose 1. salts.
&" Ny son. said an anxious flther, what
makes you use that nasty tobacco 80 The pre-
cocious boy replied, " To s.t the juice
"We frequently hear o. f generals capturing
pieces Of artillery. What's the use Of capturing
pieces ? 80 says Mrs. Parting;ou. Sc Why not
capture whole ones 20
4 solicitous parent recently sen; his daughter
10 a noted oculist to see if she coull be cured OF
winking to certain acquaintances she Is won't g.
meet on the street.
How IS it that the trees can get on their sum
mer dresses without opening their trunks, Why.
because they ieare out their summer clothing.
The difference between love and Inv Is this
In love the attachment precedes the declaration;
in law, the declaration precedes the attachment
- can marry any girl I please, >aiI 81
young fellow, hoastiugly. Sc Very true, rc-
piled his Waggish companion, "for you can,
please any
Josh Billings says IS When a young nan
amt good for anything else, Ike few see him
carry a gold-headel cane. If be can't buy
cane. let him part MS hair in the middle
New York ladies have discovered that they
can easily sour milk By covering the pan con
tanning it with one Of the daily papers Of that
city who's disposition is aciduious.
Advice BY a writer in the Paris J0r~rrf
-4musaaf --'' If a lady says - you can ucv-
er love you, wait little longer; all hone is u1t
lost. But II she says No one has more sincere
wishes for your happiness than l. take your
hat
Begging in Mexico.-rraye'ler. '' Amt yvu
ashamed to beg-a stout fellow Ike you, /
should think You might wo-k." Picturesque
beggar drawing himself up) q Senior, I ask-t
you for aims, not for advice.
twill beq1eath, said an Irishmln in his
will, - to my beloved wife, all any property.
without reserve and 20 my oldest son Patrick.
one half the remainder and TO Dennis, Boy
youngest son. the rest. ll anything Is len. 10
may 20 70 Terrence McCarty
clerk in a New York mercantile establish
meut relates A eolloquy from which a spriehr.y
youth n the same store came out second best.
\ poor boy came along with his machine.
quiring Any kuiye~ 20 grind7'' '.pou't
think We have, replied the young gentleman.
flcetiously; but, can you sharpen wits
YES, if you've got any, was the prompt IT.
ponse. leaving the iuterrogator at a loss to pro
duce the article.
lady found oecasi,n to call upon a dentist 90
have her teeth tliel Among those hllel were
two front ones. and when in = pleasant mood
the lady's face shone with smiles, while polished
gold gliJterei from her upper incis0rs. Ties,
were observed with admiration by her H.t'-
niece, who by and by seriously remarked
" Aunt Mary, l wish had coppe--t0ei teeth
like yours
The pastor Of a popular church, one Sabbath
evening" AZ the Sabbath School concert, sad
- Boys, when | heari YOUR beautiful songs To-
night had to work hard % keep rn feet; what
DO you suppose i the trouble with then ,''
Chilhhins, sir, sail little six-year-old 10y.
which, notwithstanding the solemuity Of the oc-
easiou, set the whole audience in a roar.
In the following ambiguous passage from
modern love-etJer TO a young lady, we recoc-
nizc somewhat peculiar delicacy Of eomoii-
ment No~, | wish, my dear Aieiiua,
my engagements would permit me 90 leave
leave town, and TO 90 an@ see you. II would
be Ike visiting some CID ruin, hallowed by time.
and fraughl with "a thousand recollections."
\ whisky-ir.nkius irshman was brought he
fore magistrate uamei Porter, charged with
being drunk and di-oyleriy. The magistrate
committed the delinquent TO prison for a mouth,
telling him that he would give him time 20
curse whisky. Yes, faith, ,'' was the prisoners
reply, and Porter too
\ young man bearing the Annapolis seal q
official approval as q tI.l tcl-el naval I!eut.u-
ant, once resigned the charge of the deck. at
midnight. Of the coast I'll South Carolina, 10 his
relief, with the remark that she had been
heading just Ike that for the last two heurs.
though the helm had been harl over and the
heldyards hracei aback' To which the other,
after dropping the haui-lCli over the sIie al