Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-04-30
Hum0r.

Calumny is like the brands flying from a
large fire, which quickly go out if you do not
blow them
A schoolmaster in the country advcrtises
that he will keep Il Sunday school twice a
week.
An old bachelor is a traveller on life's rail-
road, who has entirely failed to make the
proper connection.
A man who has a scolding wife being
asked what he did for a living, replied, that
he kept a hot house.
Butler says, she never takes things back"
This is discouraging to the people Of New
Orleans who lost spoons.
If a mar has any religion worth having,
he will do his duty, and not make a fuss
about it. It is the empty kettle that %rattles.
A beggar woman coming into o house
where Nellie was sitting alone, asked for
charity. CHARITY" said Nellie II guess
we are most out"
Why will young fellows be such fools as
to give young ladies locks of their hair
when, after marriage, they will help them
selves 2"
When a man accuses the sidewalk of try
ing to throw him into the street and wet his
clothes. he may be suspected Of having pre-
v%iously wet his OWL whistle.
B~onaparte is credited with having said:
"a handsome woman pleases the eye, but a
good woman pleases the heart. The one is a
iewel--tho other a treasure"
"See here, misther," said an Irish lad of
Of seven summers, who was driven up a tree
by a dog, ''if you don't take that dog away,
I'll eat up all your apples"
An editor never leaves any money athome
for fear of fire, and never carries any with
him for fear of robbers, nor deposits it in any
bank for fear Of speculating officers.
A lady speaking of the gathering of law
ycrs to dedicate a new court house, said she
supposed they had gone Ito view the ground
where they must shortly lie."
A Kansas paper states that a woman out
that way, (Mrs. Buffum) is 50 strongly in
favor of her rights that she closes her prayer
"a women" and not "Amen."
my dear" said a gentleman to a young
lady to whom he thought to be married, edo
you intend to make a fool Of me p NO."
replied the lady "naturc has saved me that
trouble"
A preacher in New Hampshire. dircours-
ing on the subject of Daniel in the Lions
den, said: "And thar he sot all night long
lookin' at the Show for nothin, and it didn't
cost him a cent"
"My opponent, Mr.. Speaker, persists in
saying that he is entitled to the floor. Wheth-
er this is so or not, I shall not inquire. All
[ have got to say is. that he will get foored
if he interrupts me again"
A bachelor being asked why he didn4
marry, answered, ''that the women were
claiming the right to go to the polls, and they
may soon claim to 60 counting. and that he
was only waiting for a good offer"
A SMART CHILD.-''Harry, you ought
not to throw away nice bread like that you
may want it some day." "Well, mother,
would I stand any better chance ofgetting it
thenif I should eat it now
A wise old gentleman. who knew all about
it, on retiring from business gave the follow
ing sage advice to his son and successor
Common sense, my son, is valuable in all
kinds Of business-except love-making."
Prefer solid sense to wit Never study to
be 'diverting without being usefnl; let no
Jest intrude upon your good manners, nor
say anything that may offend modesty or
heedlcssly hurt the feelings Of another.
A badly buuged up Emerald Islander, in
response to the inquiry. "Where have you
BEEN? said down to Mrs, Mulroney's
wake, and an Elegant time We had Of it.
Fourteen fights in fifteen minutes; only one
whole nose left in the house and that belonged
to the tay kittlew
A Mormon bishop recently experienced
one of the difficulties of too many wives
He attempted to correct one of them, and
the rest thrashed him.
as Mrs. Jones III p asked an Irishman
of the porter at a hotel. NO." was the re-
ply; "Wil you leave your name" "Och,
murther! do you think I'd be after going
home without a name 2" :
A Jacobin and a negro were talking poll
ties one day, and Sambo, getting the best of
it, the Jaccbin broke out suddenly, saying:
"What are you any way but a black mig
gerT
s.Well," said sambo, know Use black,
but dat don't make no difference, for you is
jes' as black as I is."
"How do you make that out p
"NWhy OATS jes as plain as day, Use black
outside and white inside but you are a Mig
ger turned inside out--you are white out
side, but as black as de debble inside"
"a certain queer genius whose prominen
speciality was an aversion to water, happen
ed home late one night with that, peculiar.
furry sensation about his tongue and ~tonsilst
which gentlemen who rejoice in Clubs will
remember as part Of their experience. His
wife had left standing upon a bureau a tum-
bier, in which-for some purpose known to
housewives-she had put a small ball of silken
thread to soak. Without observing this fact
Dibulous seized the tumblcr. and swallowed
its contents. Feeling a thread in his mouth,
he began pulling upon it. To his hor-
ror, yard after yard:came s%triuging forth,
unil, in an agony Of excitement, he cried
out: "Lucy, Lucy, for Gods sake come