Nebraska advertiser., 1869-02-04
sEEaHa anars


Sua LOyengOOd's SHIRT.
You know I boards with Bill Carr,
at his cabin on the mountain, and
pays for sich as i gifts when I hev mon
ey, and when hevn't any, why he
takes .One-third outen me in cussin',
and she, that's his wife, Bets, takes
out itOther twO-thirds with her battlin
stick, and the interest with her tongue,
and the interests mOre'n the principle
Ia heap more. She's the .cussedest
woman / ever seed anyhow Tor jaw
and pride. She can scOld asbiister on
to 3 BULLS face right ON the curl In
two minutes-and patterns after every
fashion she hears tell on, from bussels
to britches. OH she's one on 'enl,
and sometimes two or three. Well
you see. got some cotton truck to
make new shirt Outen, and cOaxed
Bets to make it, and about the time it
was done, here comes lawyer johnson
along and axed for breakfuss-I wish
it had pizened him, dern his hide, and
I wOnderit didn't, for she cooks awful
mixins when she tries. I'm pizen
proof myself (holding up his flask and
peeping through It, or I'd been dead
long ago q lsIf g . af
Well, while we were eatini she spied
out that his shirt was stiff and mighty
sleek; so she never rested till She
worried IL outen him that a preparation
of -four did it.; and she got a few par
ticulRrs about the eprOceedins outer him
by wOman's arts. Arter he left, she
set in and billed big pot Of paste
nigh onto peck Of -it, and sOused in
my shirt and let it soak awhile; then
she tuck it and irOued it out fiat and
dry, and sot it up on its edge agin the
cabin In the sun. Thar it stood as stiff
as dry hoss hide, and it ratified like
q sheet Of iron, it did. It were pasted
together all over. When 1 came TO
dinner nothing would do but / must
put it on. Well, Bets and me got the
thing open arteF some hard work, she
pullini at one of the tails and me at
tOther, and I got into it. Darn the
everlastin' new tangled shirt, say.
I felt like I'd crawled into a bee gum,
and it full of ants; but it were like
lawyer 5OhnsOn's, and I stood it like
a man, and went to work to build Bets
an ash-hOpper. / worked powerful
hard. and sweat like a hoss, and when
the shirt got wet it quit its hurtin'.
Arter ] got dun | took about four
fingers of red eye, and crawled up into
the cabin loft to take a snOOZe.
Well, when / walked up thought l
was dead, or had the colery, for all the
Joints I could move were my ankles,
wrists and knees-could not even
move my head, or skasely wink my
eye-the cuSsed shirt was pasted fast
onto me all over from the end of the
tails to the pints of the broad axe col
lar over my ears. It sOt to me as close
as q hide does to poor COW IN March.
I squirmed and strained till sOrteT
got it broke at the shoulders and ell
bows, and then I done the darndest
fOolishest thing ever done in these
mountains. l shuffied my britches
off and tore loose from my hide about
two inches of the tail all around, in
much pain in tribulatiOn. Oh! but il
did hurt! Then l tuck up q plank
inter the loft and hung my legs down
through the hole, and nailed the edge
of the front tail to the floor before me,
and the hind tail i nailed to the plank
what sot on. j unbuttoncd the collar
and wristbands, raised my hands away
above my head, shut up my eyes, said
grace, and then jumped through to
the ground floor.
Herd Sut remarked, sadly:
George, I'm q darnder fool than
ever dad was, boss, hornets and all.
I'll drOwnd myself sum Of these days,
see if I don't"
"Well, go on, Sut; did the shirt
come Off?'
"I think it did! I hearn a noise
sOrter like tearin' a shingle roof of Nv
a house all at wOnst, and felt like my
bones were all that reached the floor.
I staggered tony feet, and took look
at my shirt. The nails had all hilt
their holt, and thar il was hangin'
arms down, inside out, as stiff as ever.
It looked like the map of Mexico, just
arter one Of the first battles-a patch
Of hide, just about the size Of dollar
and a half bill here; a bunch Of har
about the size Of a bird thar; then
some more skin; then some more
paste then more har; then skin and
so on oil over that darned new fang
led, everlasting, Internal euss of q
shirt TWAS picture to look at-0t1lol
so sUds I. The hide, har and paste
were about equally divided between
me and it. WOnder1what Bets-darn
her-thought when she come home
and found me missin'. 'Spects she
thinks I crawled into thicket and
died Of my wounds. It must have
scared her good, for 1 tell you itloOked
like the skin OF SOME wild beast torn
off alive, or a bag what had covered q
load Of fresh beef llOme from q shoot
in' match"