The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1869-10-29
Miscellany.
s,ui.ing UP Stoves.

A sEAsoNABLE SUBJECT.
We do not remember the exact date OF tne
invention of stoves, but it was seVerai 9.su'
ago. Since then mankind have neeh III III
mented, once year. by the dllhc'ill,ea tila1
hoSat tho tasI, of nmtfing them up, and getting
the pipes fixed" With all our aLkee IN
gennitv NO AMERICAN has ever invented any
Swa+hod NV which the labor of putting up a
Stove can he lessened. The job is now almost
as severe and vexatious as humanity can DOS
sibly endure.
Men always put up their stoves on A rainy
day. Why, we know not; but we never
heard of an exception to the rule, The FIRST
step to be taken is to put on vely old and
ragged coat, under the impression that when
the operator gets his mouth full of plaster it
Will Keep his shirt bosom clean. Next, he
gets MS hand inside the place where the pipe
ought to go, and blacks his fingers; then he
carefully makes black mark down one side
OF his nose. Having got his lace properly,
marked, the victim-usualy "Paterfamlllas
is ready to begin the ceremony.
The bead Of the family" oraSps one side of
the bottom OF the stove. and his wife and the
hlred girl take hold o: the other side. In this
way the stove is started from the wood-shed
toward the rarlor Going through the door.
the chief operator carefully swings his side OF
the stove abound and jams his thumb-nal
against the door post. Having got the s.fami-
ly comfort III place, the next thing IS to find
the legs. Two of these are left inside the
stove since the spring before. The Other two
must DE hunted after for twenty five minutes.
ihey are usually found under the coal Then
Tue head OF the family" holds up one side of
ihe stove while his vile puts two of the lees
In pace, and next he holds up the other side
While the other Two ale fixed, and one of the
inst two falls out. BY the time the stove is
on its legs he gets reckless, and takes off his
old coat, regardless OF his linen.
''Pater,amas" then goes for the pipe, and
gets two cinders in his eye. Ii don't make
any difference how well the pipe was put up
last year; il viii always be found a little too
shori or little too long. The head of the
Ialn1y Jams bis hat over his ewes. and taking
pipe under each arm goes to The lin shop TO
have it fixed. When he gets back. he steps
upon one OF the best paIIor chairs to see if the
pipe hts and his wife makes him get down
Tor tear he will scratch the varnsh off from
the chair with the nails in bis boot heel. In
getting down he will surely step on the cat,
and ma thank his stars that it is not the ba-
by. Then he gets an old chair and climbs up
to the chimney again, to find that in cutting
the pipe II the end has been left too big for
the hole in the chimney. So he goes to the
wood shed and splits one side of the end of
the pipe with an cid ak, and squeeZes it in
his hands to make it smaller.
The Chief operator at length GETS the pine
in shape and finds that the stove does not
stand true. Then himself and his wife and
the hired girl move the stove to the lett, and
the legs fall out again. Next it is TO be NOV
ed to The right. Moe difficulty new with the
legs. Moved to the front a little. Elbow not
even with the hole in the chimney. and the
'head of the family" goes again to The wood
shed after some little blocks. While putting
the blocks under the legs, the pipe comes out
OF the chimney. That remedled, the elbow
Keeps tipping over, to the great alarm of the
vie. "Patertamilias" gets the dinnel-table
OUT, puts the old chair on it, makes his wife
take hold OF the ch air, and balances himself
on 1t 10 drive some nails into the ceiling: but
in doing this he drops the hammer on his
wlfe's head. At last he gets the nails driven,
makes wire swing to hold the pipe, ham
mers little here, pulls little there, takes
long breath, and announces the ceremony
concluded.
JOB never put up any stoves. 1t would
have ruiAed his reputation if he had. The
above programme, WITH unimportant varia-
tons, will be carried out in many respectable
families during the next six weeks Utica
(N. " Herald.