Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1869-12-22
Billings Allminax.

Josh Billings has hit upon a capital
vent for his peculiar humOr, in the
Farmers Allminax, which, we are as
sured on the title page, contains 'tal
that IL necessary for an allminax. and
a good deal besides" 1t is, to ali. ap-
pearanees, a fac sinlile of some Of the
ancient weather guides, substituting
for the usual ''signs" such sage eonfu-
siOns as these:
January 5th, perhaps rain; per-
haps not. January 10th, 11th, wealth
er shifty; lay in yure ice. 18th, John
Smith born for the first time" This
date settles a long disputed point in
chronology. and is only tithe Of the
information, as well as the fun, we
CLEAN from the pages of this jocOSe
Udde n1ecuD1, which, certainly, no far
mer should be without We select
some of the best specimens Of its wit
and wisdom, promising that it is is
sued by Carleton, in a style that must
satisfy the public as well as the
author.
Flattery is like eOlone water, tew be
smelt ov, not swallsred.
| There IL only one good substitute
for the endearment5 of sister, and
that IL the endearment of sum other
/ fellows sister.
Cheerful old girls are the brides
maids Ov society.
About the hardest thing phellOw
kan do il tew spark two girls at onst
and preserve good average.
| Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but
young purps fite and then froliek.
A big nose is said to be q sighn ov
genius-if a mans genius lays in his
nose, 1 should say the sighn waz q
good one.
Medicine haz cost the world more
than bread haz, and haz killed more
than it has cured.
Marriage tew a eoquette IL often
"letters Ov marque and reprisal."
1t is very difficult for poor man
tew be superior tew his fortune, and
more diffikult for rich one.
How msnny people there IL whOze
souls hang in them, like the pith in a
gOoze quill.
If you want true friend, hire him
bi the month and pay him fair wa
ges.
SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH.
September IL named after ''Septus,"
which, thrashed out into American,
means seven. / wouldn't take five
hundred dollars forShe latin know,
and don't knO much nuther. Sept.
IL lRkadaisikal month, mellow az the
dekayed side of punkin, and az SEN
sitive az boarding school miss during
her first quarter in French. Natur
makes her will this mOnth-hOgs root
viOlently-birds hold cOnvenshuns,
and adjourn down SOuth-tree tOads
boost each other up trees and warble
sum anthems-katydids chew music
and spit it out freely, and bull frogs
post their books.
ADVICE TEw YOUNG SPORTSMEN.
In shooting at a deer that looks like
a calf, always aim so as to miss it if it
is a calf, and to hit it if it is a deer.
In fishing for krabs, use yure fing-
ers for bait; you can feel them when
they fust bite.
Don't fire at a humble bee on the
wing; not till he settles, then take
good aim and knock him endways.
In bObbing for eels, use raw pota-
to you may not bag much eels, but
you can bag bob that yu kan hand
down toyure ancestors untarnished.
EXTRA ECLIPsEs FOR THE YEAR 1870.
1ueIe VIII De QOneSllA GklpSe5
Visible only tew the naked eye) kaus-
ed bi the new comet SorOsis jumping
out of her pasture, and eantering
around promiskuss.
There will be teetotal eklipse du-
ring the whole of the year 1870 ov all
other Allminax throughout the earth,
upper and lower kanada, and sum
parts of NJ Jersee, kaused bi the i'm
mense eirculashun Ov the ''Josh Bill
lings' Farmers Allminax.n
WORDS TEw HOUSEWIVES.
Tew make a hoe kake, take a hoe
and bile it tew thin jelly, and then
let her kake.
Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside
out, and remove the meat with Jack
plane.
Tew make hen lay two eggs day,
reazon with her; if that don't do,
threaten to chastize her if she don't.
Tew learn yure OFF spring to steal,
make them beg hard for all that WI
Civ them.