Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1869-12-24
General Literature.
GOOSE .r.vD G.F.1'DER.

GOOSE .F.VD G.F.V'DER.
On the morning was married my grand
mother said to me, "Now my child, you
are about to put your hands into the most
important step woman can take, and your
experience will be various and there is no
knowing what kind of a baking you may
bring out of the lottery which is matrimo-
NAL life, as the best authorities is all agreed.
But whatever you do be sure you always
make this principle the guiding-star ofyour
life and keep it handy in your pocket
that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for
the gander and stick to that, my child,
for it is good common sense and will wash"
Now, Mr.. Lumpkin, which is my hus-
band, always has the room first-I mean
on Sundays, getting ready for church;
which, he says, he can't abide me in the
room whisking around, because it makes
his hand shake; as if he didn't always cut
himself, for which he puts on campfire
that makes him hop about like mad, though
afterward he says it's consoling. But then
il is the nature of men, as sect, TO be con-
trary, as l dare say you all know. And it
is Mr.. Lumpkin's nature in particular to
slow; and between it all, when Mr.. Lump
kin come out that Sunday morning it was
n quarter past ten, and that left me just ff
teen minutes to dress for chuech and lace
my boots, not TO mention that / WIS beat
out and in fluster already with cooking
breakfast and washing up the things, and
so 1 staid at home and had good cry.
But what is sauuc for the goose is sauce
~
l slipped into the room first and took my
! turn, and l don't say that l did hurry TO
pull ont my bonnet strings, and my boot
lace snapped twice, and Mr.. Lumpkin he
had fifteen minutes, and says l, How do
you like it now yourself? and served him
right in my opinion; but he was red as a
beet, and says he;
"Its a small spite, and Roman matron
wouldn't have been guilty of it; :" for he is
a reader, is Mr.. Lumpllin, and admires ev-
erything old, except women, which have
noticed is the case even with the dustiest,
distressedost old fellows you can pick up;
and the way the men go on, l declare you'd
| think that woman had broken every COM
| mandment and committed the unpardona-
! BILE sin by living to be forty and l only
wonder they didn't make law to bury a.
| live every woman over thirty long ago!
But, as l was saying l can read ancient
history too, and l was ready for
him. for wherever he sets out, he's pretty
sure to bring up there's and when he says
! that, says /:
"Oh yes, there's lots of humbugs in this
world, Mr.. Lumpkin, and them Roman
matrons is one of them and not much bet
ter than they should be, flirting with that
Julius Caesar you're so fond Of" says l /;
land he's another humbug--always galli-
! wanting and ! should like to scold him for
| it., the old married wretch! and then he
turns off his own wife without taking the
trouble to ask any questions, because, says
he, with an air, "The wife of Caesar must
be above suspicionv' There's good rea-
son for doing mean thing and think
what lots Of folks have swallowed ii down!
Mr.. Lumpkin does "But," says l to Mr..
Lumplin, "old Roman nonsense don't 90
| down my throat any better than Pump
town nonsense, and what's sauce for the
| goose is sauce for the gander; and should
| like to know the reason why Cesar's wifo's
husband shouldn't ought TO be above sus-
picion too. l never found any orders in
Z the Bible for women to do what's right any
| how, and men TO do as they like about It :;
and don't give in to no such nonsense, no
more uiHn my old grandmother did, and
she's gone where he won't never 60 and
how do you like fifteen minutes yourself,
Mr.. Lumpkin, to shave and dress IMP"
And that cured him; and if there was
more stuck to them notions, and treated
mon as such, the world would go on better,
as am always telling jimmy.
But it's one thing to tell, and its another
to listen. jimmy, she's a young thing, and
there amt that l know so set in its way,
through the whole creation, as girl except
one thing, and that's girl in love. And,
for my part, l don't see no use in expert
ence, for it takes you all your life TO learn
it; so it's no use to you and other folks
won't have il for nothing. Folks are pret-
ty much like old Deacon Swain, and he
was the crookedcst, crabbedest old fellow
in the village. And one morning he was
saving of a board sticking out high up
from the side of house, and what possess
ed him don't know, but he sawed between
himself and the house. Mr.. l.. he see him
and he hollers:
"You'll come down Sawin. Look out ~
"Guess l know what am about" says
Sawin, saving all the harder; and down
he come sure enough, and was laid up foi
three months. lie broke his collar bone
and two Of his ribs, and the wonder is hC
wasn't all broke to pieces. Not that I'm
blaming jimmy or any other girl like her
with cheeks like roses, for having beaux
But Sam Smith, he amt the best Of the lot
to begin with, and l don't see no sense il
any man mlncing about among the girls
and picking here, and picking there, as /
women were to'be chose like peaches. Al
I tell jimmy, "Leave out his shirt-bosom
and that's old Martha Robbins's doing, anC