Elizabeth daily monitor. [volume] (Elizabeth, N.J.) 1868-1880, 1869-03-29
ON FLEAS AND BED BUGS.
BY JOSH BILLINGS

alton, ana tile peShy, is meas.
They are about the highness ov an
onion seed, and shine like Il bran new
shot.
They spring from low places, and can
sprin further and faster than emmy 9th
er of the bug bruits.
They bite wus than the muskeetoze,
they bite on II run; one flea will go all
over a mans suburbs, in 2 minutes.
and leave him rs freckled us the mea-
zles
1t is impossible to do anything well
with flea on you except sware, and
feas amt afraid of that the only way
is to quit business ov aul kinds and
hunt for the flea, and when you have
found him he amt there. This is one
ov the mysteries, the fakulty they have
ov being entirely lost jist as you have
found them.
don't suppose there is ever killed.
on an average, during emmy one year.
more than 16 feas in the whole ov the
United States oy America, unless there
is a causalty of some kind--once in a
while thare is dog gifts drowned sudden
and then there may be few tieas lost,
They are az hard to kill az a flax seed
IL, and if you don't mash them as fine
. as ground pepper they will start bizuess
on smaller kapital jist as pestiverous
as ever
There IL lots ov people who have
never seen flea, and it takes q pretty
smart man to see one ennyhow they
don't stay long in iu a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him be-
fore you du emmy thing else for if you
do put it off . minnits it may be too
late.
Menny flea has passed away for
ever in less than 2 minuits,
BED BUGS.
1 never seen ennybody yet bnt what
dispized bed bugs. They are the mean,
est OF aul crawling. creeping, hopping
or biting things,
They darsent take man by dalite, but
sneak in after dark, and chaw him
while he il fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad da-
lite at short range, and give you fair
chance to knock in his sides--the flea is
a game bug, and will make dash at
YOU even in Broadway, but the bed bug
is garroter, who waits till you strip,
and then picks out mellow place tew
eat you.
If was in the habit of swearing l
wouldn't hcsitat tie to cuss bed bug rite
tew his face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart III a
small way, one pair of them will stock
a hair mattress in 2 weeks with bugs
enuff tew last a small family a whole
year.
It don't do emmy good to pray when
bed bugs are in season the only way
to get rid of them is to bile the whole
bed in aqua FORTS, and then heave it
away and buy new one.
Bed bugs, when they have grone aul
they intend to, and are about the size
of biuejays eye, and have brown
complexion, and when they start ont to
garrote are az a greese spot, but when
they get thru garroting they are swelled
up like blister.
Ittakes them tew days to get the swell
ling out of them.
If bed bugs have any destiny to fill it
must be their stumuchs, but it seems to
me that they must have been made by
accident, just as slivers are, to stick into
sumboddy.
If they wuz got up for some wise pur-
pose they must have took the wrong
road, for there kant be emmy wisdom
in chewin a man aul mite long, and rails
ing family besides to follow the same
trade.
If there is sum wislum in all this I
hope the bed bugs will chew them folks
who kan see it and leave me be, because
I am one of the hereticks.
i4ssss.sssrax,zss,
Soldiers Monument.