Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-10-08
a9nmprons.
yosn BILLINGS.

tue9 WOutu not DC uOtACcu-
l like them kind of boys who are always
trying to lift half ton.
Mankind don't want much excuse for
pitching into the unfortunate.
Looking glasses won't lie bat they tell some
awful plain truths now and then.
How many people are there in this world
whose characters are anonymous.
No man is fit to live in solitude unless be
is as pure as the things that surround him.
Let the world understand that you can be
spit upon, andy are spit box for life.
A dog is the only dependent that l know
of upon whom you can always rely as true
friend.
Friendship is like picked meat; TO be
sweet the brine wants to be changed once in
a vkie
Ny idea of delightful woman is one who
seems to love everybody, and in fac. only
loves her husband.
Ifyoa are going to help man, be about it;
promised assistance after a while is con-
sidered a debt.
Adam probably was never more tickled
than when be discovered Eve, which shows
hos unnatural solitude is.
'.THe hog may not be thoroughly posted in
arithmetic; but when you come to a square
root he is there-the hog is"
Way do young ladies whiten their faces
Because they think the powder viii make
them 20 off.
There is a phrenologist in London who
can tell the contents Of a barrel by examining
its head.
SOME men keep savage dogs around their
houses, so that the hungry poor who stop to
get a Jite must get it outside the door.
HERE is a literal translation of pork
butchers sign IN French proyincia! city :;
"Batta, junior slaughters hogs like his faith
err
A WESTERN paper, speaking Of the sudden
death Of man, says, st vas a dreadful blow
to be family, which consisted Of wife, an
adopted son, and few boarders.'
Do you seek consolation for your sorrow in
drink asked pious old lady of an intem-
perate fellow, who was something of wag.
Yes in horn" was the laconic reply.
''WHY don't your father take a newspa-
paper said a man to little boy whom he
caught piIfering his paper from the doorstep
Cos he sends me to take it, answered the
urchin.
AN Attorney, on being called to account
for having acted unprofessionally in taking
less than the usual fees from his client, plead
ed that be had taken all the man had. He
was thereupon bonorably acquitted.
A couple of fellows who were pretty thor
oughly soaked with bad whiskey got into the
gutter. After Aoundering about for few
minutes, one Of them said :-''Jim, let's go to
another bouse--this hotel leaks.
gentleman rode up to a public house in
the country and asked, ''Whois the master
Of this house ~ II am, sir, - replied the land
lord; "my wife has been dead about three
weeks.
Az Irishman, Just from the sod, was eating
some old cheese, when he found to his dis
may hat II contained living inhabitants "Be
.bers,' said he, "does your chase in this
country have ehilder?' ~
AN IasHHAN.-Isn't it pleasant to be
surrounded by such a crowd Of ladies?' said
a pretty woman to popular lecturer.
Yes, said he; but it would be pleasanter
ta ba surrounded bv ora
An IRIsHNAN has defined nothing to be
"a footlrss stocking without leg A
deception by another Emerald Islander
Is better What is nothing?" he asked.
Shut your eyes and you'll see it, said
Pat
A GENTLEMAN, on hearing a lady praise the
eyes Of certain minister. wrote the follow
ing;
can not praise the doctor eyes,
never saw bis glance divine;
For when he prays be shuts bis eyes.
Aad when he breaches be shuts mine
UtaN a tombstone appeared this inscrip,
tion
Here lies John Tug, snug as a bug ia a rug,
a wag seeing this, and a stone near by with
no inscriptions, wrote:
Here lies John Tugger, snugger than the
other bugger.n
candidate for auditor Of public accounts
was called upon for a speech. On rising, he
commenced :-' Gentlemen, YOU have called
upon me for a speech. I have none to make
have no prepared remarks. Indeed, am
no speaker. I do not desire to be a speaker,
only want to be an auditor"
An Irish juror having applied to the judge
to be excused from serving on account of
deafness, the Judge said "Could you hear
nay charge to the jury, sir ~ ''Yes, / heard
your Honor charge" said Paddy. ''but I
couldn't make any sense out Of it" He was
let of.
Az Irish advertisement says reward of
FIVE dollars is offered for the apprehension of
Pat O'Flaherty, who last week stole a jack
ass, which same had on a pair of corduroy
breeches, with blue eyes, and smokes short
pipe, much given to squinting, and likewise
his shoes let down at the heel
A CHILD on being shown the picture Of
Danieliu the Lions Den" was affected to
tears. "Don't grieve, Pet, said the moth
er she was not devoured - "I'm not cry
ing for that, was the reply "but do you see
that little lion in the corner, mammal Well
I'm afraid he won't get any, for Daniel is so
small he won't go around.
If you wish to experience singular SEN
sation, eat two pigs feet and half mince
pie just before going to bed. Boggs has
tried it, and says that in less than an hour
he saw snake as large as a hawser, de-
vouring eight blue haired children, who
bad just escaped from a monster with sorrel
eyes and red hot overooat