Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-01-05
Xmas Cracks.

A lady kilIer-Corsets.
Grants hobby-a horse.
Centre Of gravity-A judge in court.
A natural slave--The surf of the sea.
A spirit level-A drunken man In the gutter.
The great rigger Of the season-The ladies
dressmaker.
Whisky is now called IN we'll informed circles,
Congress water
Is the garment of religion to be judged by
the length Of the nap during service.
Ma, what is revenge? Il Is when your daddy
scolds me, and | hit him with the broomstick.
Although jenkins only eats once day, still
he says he has three meals-rye meal, indian
meal and nealy potatoes.
A shirt made with the magnetic needle and
the thread Of passions discourse, will be ex
hibited at the next Worlds Fair.
II go through my work, - as the needle said
tolthe idle boy. but not till you are bard
pushed" as the idle boy said to the nesdla
Geut-'Waiter, they say there is nothing
like leather, don't they p Yes, sir. Then
it's lie for this steak is !" Waiter melts.
The navy Of Mexico consists of two fishing
smacks and raft-the former mounted with
twelve Marines and the latter With hen-ooop.
A Western editor says-'"rhe march Of CIV
iIization is onward the slow but
intrepid tread Of jaokass towards peck Of
oats.
"Did you ever know such mechanical ge-
MUS as my SOAP said al old lady. He has
made fiddle oil out Of his own head, and he
has vnod enough for another. "
''Whe 1 thought you said you were going te
have kent nv word, s'Where is it?'' why
my dear, amt you here for dinner?' Smith
couldn't see the point Of that joke.
A genius out West was invited to take q
game Of poker but refused, saying: mo, L
thankee; | played poker once, and had to wear
nankeen trousers all the next winter. | have
had no taste for that amusement since.
4 gentleman sat down to write a deed, and
began with: Know one woman by these pres
ents." You are wrong, " said a bystannder !;
Sit ought to be Know al men. VERY
well, answered the other; "if one woman
knows it, ali uon will Of course.
Teacher-"What part of speech is the word
egg?"
Boy-"Noun, sir
'What Is its gender p
Cant tell, sir
''Is it masculine, feminine or neuter?''
Cant say, Sir, till It's Matched"
Betsy, 20 down and stir up the apple but
ter. Betsey approached the huge kettle con
tanning the above mentioned article. why,
marin, what is this?' she asked, fishing up q
black substance, Tor for me if there ain
that blister plaster that cum'd off my back
L. ! olo1 o,J nd bo4
A lover who was sighted by the ladies, very
modestly asked one if she would let him spend
the evening with her.
mo- she angrily replied ''that won't
''You needn't be SO fussy about it, replied
he, II didn't mean this evening, but some
stormy one when [ can't go anywhere else.
There are several good old standard stories
about fishing that will never die out There is
for instance the man seen angling from bridge
at o'clock in the morning, and noted IN the
same place at night, How is your luck r r
asks the passer by. 'Wel, pretty good l
have not canght anything yet, but towards
noon had glorious nlbble.
The mingling of slang piety recalls to mind
the paternal, who was full OF strange oaths, who
called his son to breakfast. My son, SAID
the veteran at the foot Of the stairs, arise, and
see the newy-risen Iumiuary of day and hear
the sweet birds singing their matin song Of
praise to their great Creator; come while the
dew is on the grass and tender lambs are blest-
ing ON the hillside-come, [ say, or I'll be up
there with switch and give you the cussedest
licking that you ever had !!
A schoolmastcr, after giving one of his pu-
pills sound drubbing for speaking bad gram
mar sent him to the other end Of the room to
inform another boy that he wished to speak to
him, and at the same time promised to repeat
the dose if he spoke TO him ungrammatically.
The youngster, being quite satisfied with what
he got, determined to be exact, and thus ad-
tive of the masculine gender, singular number,
nominative case, and in an angry mood, that
sits perched upon the omineuce at the other
end OF the room, wishes to articulate few sen