The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-06-04
soELUm rHouonrs.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

The rear OF G0a Is the philosophy 0V
religion; the love ov God il the chari ty
ov religion.
! Hope is a hen that lays more eggs
than she kan hatch out.
Better leave you're child virtew than
money; but this is a sekret known on Iy
tew few.
honestly believe it iz better tew
know nothing than tew know what
amt so.
About the hardest work a phellow
kan do iz tew spark two gals, at once,
and preserve good average.
Prudery il one ov virtew's bastards.
A nickname will outlive emmy man
or thing; it iz like the crook in a
dogg's tale, you may cut it oph, and
throw it behind the barn, but the
crook il tbare yet, and the stump iz
the epitaph.
If you analize what most men kali
plezzure, you will find it composed ov
one part humbugg, and two parts pam.
When you hain't got nothing tew
do, do it at once, this IL the way to
learn to be busy.
We hav bin told that the best way
to overkum misfortunes liz tew fight
with them-I hav tried both ways,
and recommend successful dodge.
The art ov becoming ov Importance
in the eyes ov Others, il not to over
rate ourself, but tew cause them tew
do it.
| The true way to understand the
judgments ov heaven is to submit to
| them.
Method il everything, especially tew
ordinary men the few men who can
lift tun, at pleasure, have a divine
right to take holt of it tew disadvan-
tage.
The mind ov man IL like a piece of
land that, tew be useful, must be manur-
ed with learning, ploughed with ener-
gy, sown with virtew, and harvested
with ekonemy.
Where religion is trade, morality
liz a merchandise.
Conversashun should be enlived
with wit, not composed ov it.
The less a man knows, the more he
will guess at and guessing IL nothing
more than suspicion.
Going tew law, liz like skinning
new miIeh COW for the hide, and Civ
ing the meat to the lawyers.
Death tew most Of us, IL kind of
farewell benefit positively our
last appearance"
Phools are quite often like hornets,
very bizzy, but about what, the Lord
only knows.
Living on Hope, il like living on
wind, good way few get phull, but
poor way tew get phatt.
Jealously don't pay, the best it can
do IL tew discover what we don't want
to find, nor don't expect to.
Secrets are mortgage on friendship.
don't think bad man liz az DANCE
rous az week one I don't think
bile that has come to a head, il az
risky All hidden one, that may come
to dozen heds.
A vivid imaganashun like sun glasse
makes things at a distance look twice
az big as they am, and cluss to, twice
as small as they am.
Hope IL draft on futurity, sum
times honOred, but generally extended.
If the world dispizes a hypokrit,
what must they think of him in heav-
en-?
FIatttery il like Kolane water -tew
be smelt ov, not swallowed.
After all, there don't seem tew be
butt this difference between the wize
men and the phool5; the wize men are
all fuss and sum feathers, while the
phools are all fuss and no feathers.
Without friends and without enemys
is the last ackount we hav ov a stray
dog.
Men generally, when thep whip a
mule, sware the mule remembers the
swareing, but forgit5 the licking.
Sum folks wonder WHARF -awl the
lies cum from, but I don't; one good
lire will pizen whole country.
Hunting after fame IL like hunting
after fleas-hard tew ketch, and shure
tew make yu uneasy if yu do or don't
ketch them.
Meny people spend their time trie-
ing teW find the hole whare sin got in
to this world, If two men brake
through the ice into mill pond they
better hunt for sum good hole tew get
out, rather than git into a long argu-
ment about the hole they cum tew fall
in.
Imaginashum, tew much INDUCED
in, soon is tortured into reality; this IL
one way that good hoss thiefs are
made; man leans over fence all
day, and imagins the boss in the lot
belongs to him, and shure enuff the
fust dark night, the hoss does.
Ifyou must chaw terbacker, young
man. for heavens sake chaw old plugg
it il the nastyest,
KNOWING WHOM TO KICK.-The
IN