The native Virginian. [volume] (Orange Court House, Va.) 1867-187?, 1869-10-01
oohI HOooE VA FRIDAY MORNING.
THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.
TUE RAccooN AND THE rnrr1roooEn.


The Raccoon liz a resident ov the L.
nited States ov America; he emigrated
teW this country soon after its diskoy-
cry by Columbus, without cent, and
nothing but hlz claws tew get living
with.
| He IL one ov them kind of persons
whoz hide iz worth more than all the
rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber,
and eultivates the cornfi 1lds aud nab
ring garden sass for sustenance, and
understands hiz bizness.
/ Ills family consist ov wife and three
children, who live with him ON the in
| side ov tree.
He car alwus be found at home dur
ing the day, reddy tew receive calls, but
hlz nights are devoted tew looking after
hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail,
which IL round, has rings on 1t.
| These lings are ov the same material
That the tail IL, and are worn upon all
occasions.
During the winser he ties himself ND
into a hard not, and lays down by his
fireside.
When spring opens, he "opens, and
goes out tew see how the chickens hav
wIntered.
His life liz az free from labor az a
new penny, and if it wasn't for dogs and
the rest Nv mankind, the rackoon would
find what everybody else has lost
heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men
skin him, and what thar IL left ov him
amt worth cuss.
Hc is not a natral vagabond like the
hedge hog and the alligator, but loves
to be civilized and live among folks;
but he haz one vice that the smallest |
missionary on earth kant redeem, and |
that liz the art ov stealing.
He liz reckoned next tew the crow in
petit larcency, and Will steal what he
kant eat, nor hide.
He will turn over barrel of apple
sass just for the fun ov mauling the
sass with hiz feet, and will pull out the
plug Ov the moiassis not bekause he
luvs sugar better than he duz young
duck, but jst tew see if the molassis
haz got good daub tew it.
/ hav studded animal diviltry for 19
years bekause the more diviltry in an
animal, the more human he liz.
can't find, by sarching the passen-
ger list that Noah had n coon on boart,
but Pm willing tew bet ten pounds ov
sassage, that mister coon and
hiz wife commuted by stealing a ride.
l never knu rackoon tew want en-
nything long, that he could steal quick.
anybody, who haz looked coon
right square in the face will bet you a
dollar that he is dead beat, or Hnder
five hundred dollars bond not to go
into the Dizziness for the next ninety
days.
hav had tame coons by the dozen--
they are az easy tew tame az child if
you take them young enuff, but kant
advise enilybody to cultivate coons,
they want as muteh looking after az
blind mule on a tow-path, and thar [
Amt emmy more profit in them than
thar IL in a stock dividend ON the Erie
Railroad.
never was out of a pet animal since s
kan remember, till now, but | have l
gone out ov the trade forever; lately {
discovered that it wus good deal like
making whissel out ov kats tale,
'uiniDg comfortable tale, and reaplng ,
| knrsld mean whissil. {
Rackoons liv tew be G5 years old, if +,
hey miss the society ov men and dogs c
,nuii, but thare aiht but few of them s
lie ov old age; the northwestern fur ,
sOhP"Ht piC hiluOl vi | u
he coon family. 4
feel sorry for coons, for with trine C
more brains they would make respecta- S
lie pettifoggers before justice OF the ]
,eace, but even this would not save
hem from final perdishun. e
Natur don't make emmy mistakes af- q
er all; she hits the bull right in the eye g
very time. when she wants rackoon d
With rings on his tale, she makes him, v
nd when she wants pettiiogger, she
,nows how tew make him, without A
pileing good coon,
Pettifoggers, no doubt, have desti-
y tew fill, and they may enable a JUS Il
ice of the peace, in cloudy day, tew Ii
now a good deal less of the law than h
G other wise would, still, for all this, =
was obliged tew pray for one OF "
he other, should say, Give us a little S
lore coon, and good deal less petit I
)gger. p
Ii the Rackoon would only Civ his 81
hole attenshus tew politicks, thar aint
ut few could beat him, he is at home lC
n the stump, and menny on us. old 81
Oons, kan rekoleet how. in 1910, with N
othiEg but hard cider diet, he swept Il
ne country from the north to the south Il
ole, like cargo oy EPSON salts.-Ne,o II
'orc Weekly. b
i @.