Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-01-01
IfErlaOr.

as he locked the church door one day after
SERVICE that he intended to have that said
twenty dollars before any of them left the
house At the same time he set the exam
pie by tossing S. on the table. Another
put down dollar, another a quarter OF a
dollar, and so on. The parson read out
every now and then the state Of the funds !:
''Thar's seven and half my friends"
"Thar's niue and quarter" "Ten and
SIX bits are all that are in the hat, friends
and Christian brethren" Slowly it mounted
up. Twelve and half" "Fourteen. y
"Fifteen.' Sixteen and three bits, aud
so on until it stuck at $3.50. "lt only
wants fifty cents, friends, to make up the
amount Will nobody make it up :" Every
body had subscribed, and not cent more
was forthcoming. Silence reigned: and
how long it might have lasted it was difficult
to say, had not half dollar been tossed
through the open window, and rough, cx-
planatory voice shouted, 'Here, pastor,
there's yer money; let out my gal Tam tired
of waitin' on her !"
4 QUEER HYMN BooK.-A good joke is
told of a preacher in Nebraska, who had
dincd with a friend just before afternoon SER
vices. AS it happened, this friend occasion,
ally luxqrated in a smile of the ardent and
sometimes carried morroceo-covered flask
in his oyereoat pocket.
By mistake the minister took the friends
ovorcoat for his own on his departure, and,
walking into the pulpit began the exercises
without doffing the garment it being rather
chilly in the room
Looking very ministerially over his con-
grcgation from behind his spectacles, he be-
gan drawing from his pocket, as he supposed
his hymn book With tho introductory remark
that the congregation would sing from
particular page which he selected before
hand.
The minister held the supposed book up
in full sight of the congregation, and at
tempted to open it sideways, but it was no
go.
The situation was realized in Il moment,
but, alas too late.
His reverence was dumbfoundcd, the
whole scene was made ludicrous by Il fellow
in the back part Of the congregation, not al
together too sober, who drawled out:
Say, Mister can we all lhfc) jine in that
ar hymn
CAREFULLY BRoUGnr up..A pious old
clergyman, while vending his way to his
church Que Sunday morning, caught sight
of the two sons of one of his parishioners,
going into the woods, evidently fer the pur-
pose of hunting. Feeling certain that any
thing like direct remonstrance with the young
gentlemen themselves would scarcely turn
them from their ways, he waited until after
4epreaching," and sought the old gentleman
their father After reeounting the circum-
stances ofmeeting Billy and Sammy as he
had do.:c, he closed an affecting appeal by
inquiring of their father why they had not
been drought up in the fear of the Lord p
.'Fear of the Lord, Parson=-.fear of the
Lord Why. they hen! They're SO 'feard of
Gus double bar'rd shot guns on their shout
lers!''
4 LIVELY CooN-The Baton Rouge Ad-
vocate of the 9th, says:
SIS that coon lively ?"
"Oh, yes, SIR" replied the black possess
sor of as Wilde specimen as ever made tracks
in the Comite swamp.
"Well, [ want a real lively fellow put
him ca that root, pointing to the lower knob
of very tall oak, 'and let's see if he will
stir himself"
No sooner said than done, and the coon
went up the tree like creased streak of
lightning
'.You satisfied, boss, he's lively?"
"Well, yes; but don't want a coon in a
tree top"
The freedman looked up the tree, whistled,
and scratched his head for an idea, and said,
"Well. boss, dat coon is like carpet-bag-
ger, VERY promising when he's down, but
when he's mp he amt no use to nobody
A College professor was being rowed across
stream in a boat, Said he to the boat
man, ''Do you understand philosophy ?"
A'No, never heard of i: p Then one-quar-
ter Of your life is gone" ''Do you under
stand gcology?' "No." Then one-half
of your life's gone" ''Do you understand
astronomy? 'No." ''Then three-quar-
ters Of your LIES gone" But presently the
Goat tipped over and spilled both into the
river. Says the boatman, ''Can you swim ?"
No" ''Then the whole of your life's
gone.
''Ma, has your tongue got legsw
@'Got what, child? 2"
scot legs, ma 2"
"Certainly not; but why do you ask that
silly question p
ooh, nothing only heard pa say your
tongue was running from morning till night;
and | was wondering how it could run with
cut legs--that's ALL ma"
4 mamma, Who had succeeded in getting
her own seven daughters "well off her
hands," has determined to extend to others
the benefit of her ':systeln" She is going
to open a class for the instruction of young
ladies Ia the art of husband catching. tits
to be called the ''School of Design"
A Bride in Washington lately introduced
tho style of having her train borne by three
pages. II this fashion should spread court
ing young lady would be like reading a
novel. She would never grow interesting
until you had tured over several pages.---
~. o. Times
Too SHALLOW IA gentleman who owns
country seat nearly lost his wife, who fell
into river which flowed through his estate.
Hc announced the narrow escape to his
friends, expecting their congratulations
One of them, an old bachelor, wrote II
always told you that river was too shallow"
A lady must think she has somthing val
nabe in her head, FIVE may judge from the
number of locks she keeps upon it.
A bachelor according the latest definition
is the man who has lost the nnnartnnitu of