Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1869-12-16

Josh Billings has bit upon capita
vent for his poculiar humor, la tho Farm
er's Aiiminax which, we are assured o.
the titis page, contains "nil that IL nsc
essary for an sliasinsx sssd . yood dea
besides" It ttr. 70 all appearances, . f.1
simils Of some of tho ancient weather
guides, substitating for the n-ual "Jgps'
such SAGE copclusfons as these:
January 9th, Perhaps rain; perhsps
not January 10Th, 11th, Wsssbsr sbtfty
lay In yurs ice. 25th, John Smith born
for the first time" This date settles q
long disputed point in chronology, and !,
only tithe of the information, AS well -.
the fun we CLEAN from the pages Of tbi,
jocose wade meoum, which, certainly, n0
farmer should be without We sel-c,
some OF the best specimens Of wit and
| wisdom, promising that IL is issued by
Carlton, in a style that must satisfy the
public as we'll ~ tho author:
Flattery iz like oolone water, tew Be
smelt ov, NOT swallowed.
There IL only one good substitute for
the endearments of sister and that IL
the endssrment ov sum other phellow's
sister.
Cheerful old girls are the brides maids
ov society.
About the hardest thing a phellow kan
do liz to spark two girls at on-t aud pre-
serve a good average.
Old dorgs nuss their grudge, but young
purps fte aud then frolick.
A big nose il said to be a sign oy genius
If a mans genius lays in hiz nose, i
should say the sign wuz a good one.
Medicine haz cost the world more than
bread hsz and haz killed more than il hax
cured.
Marriage TO coQuette liz often 1etters
Of marque and reprlsal"
1t is very difficult for poor man tew be
superior tew hIz fortune, and more diff
kult for rich one.
How menny people thare IL whoze
souls hang in them, like the Pith in q
goozs quill.
II YOU want truo frioad. bire him BY
the month, and psy MIN fair wages.
SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH.
September iz named sitter Septus,'
which, thrashed out into American, means
seven. 1 wouldn't take five hundred dol
lars for tho latin know, and don't kno
much nuther. Sept. liz q lacksdaisikal
month, mellow as the dekayed side Of
punkin, and az sensitive as a boarding
school miss during her first quarter in
French. Nature makes her will this
month-hogs root violently-birds bold
convenshuns, and adjourn down south
tree toads boost each other up trees and
warble sum anthems-katydidsc chew mu
sic and spit it ont freely, and bull frogs
post books.
ADVICE TO YOUNG sPoRTsaRS.
In shooting at deer that looks like q
calf, always aim 30 as to miss il il il is
calf, and to hit il if il is a deer.
In fishing for krabs, use your finger for
bate, you can feel them when they first
bite.
Don't fire at humble bee on the wing,
not till he settles, then take good aim and
knock him endways.
In bobbing for eels, use a raw potato,
yu may not bag much eels, but yu kan
bag bob that yu kan hand down 10 your
ancestors unt.s.isbed-
EXTRA EKLIPsEs FOR THE YEAR 1870.
Thare will be domestic eklipses tyisibel
only tew the naked eye, kauzed bi the
new Comet Soro-is jumping out ov her
pasture, and cantering around promiscu1.
There will be teetotal ekiipse during
the whole of the Year 1870 ov all other
Allminax throughout the earth,upper and
lower kanada, ind some parts ov Nh Jer-
see, kauzed bi the immense circulashun
ov the Josh Billings Farmers Allmi-
max"
WORDS TO mol sEwIFEs.
To make hoe kake, take hoe and bile
it tew thin Jelly, and then-let her
kake.
Tew skin Eel, turn him inside ont,
and remove the neat with Jack-plane.
lew make a hen lay two eggs . day,
reazon with her if that don't do, thseaten
to chastize her If she don't.
Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make
tham he.y for al thar - ~ xxfv. 49,