Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-09-24
glnnprons.

aAh, dis is De grand specktakell Suparb
Nagnifque BY gar, he is come down first
ratei"
a LAWYER who had a most absurd case sub
mitted to him, on being asked if the action
would lie, answered, 'Yes, if the witnesses
viii lie too, but not otherwise
WAC, seeing door nearly off its hinges,
in which condition it had been some time, OBJ.
served that when it had fallen and killed some
one it would probably be hung.
USDER the head of sBroken English,
a Paris paper places such Londoners as get
mashed in railway collisions, or who fnau-
cially come to grief.
Az attempted suicide in Liverpool, when
arraigued for reprimand, excused his rash
act on the ground that he had got wet, and
was hanging himself up to dry.
TIE violet grows low, and covers itself
with its own leaves, and yet of all flowers
yields the most delicious and fragrant smell.
Such Is humility.
Il HAVE millions Of money, said a dash
lug gent to girl about to run away with him;
but you might as well scrape up all the jew
els and spare cash You have got. "
4 PRovLNclAL paper records the escape Of
a prisoner thus THE constable and pris-
oner disagreed as to which was the best route,
and as the prisoner has not been heard of
since, ii is supposed he took the wrong road. -
''WHr IS the name of George Washington
any more to be respected and honored than
mine2' said teacher to his pupil. "Because
he never told lie, was the discriminating
but not over complimentary reply.
Az editor, out west, Of course, speaking of
a rogue who lives in thatavicinity says: "The
rascal has broken every bank, and goal, and
Sabbath we have had in our Ecountry for the
last seven years"
a CausHEe.-Iu trial for assault and bat
terry: Counsel: / win now introduce an
eyewitness Of the affair, Samuel Smith.
What is your occupation, sir?" ''Blnd beg
gar"
a traveller in Pennsylvania, last summer,
asked bis landlord if he had any cases ofsun-
stroke in that town. 'No sir, said the land
lord, 'Ifa man gets drunk here, we say be is
drunk. and never call it BY any other name.
Mas. SwIssHELM, in her letters to young
ladies, says that every country girl knows
how to color red with madder' This webe.
liege to be an chronological fact, as we have
always noticed, with all girls, that the madder
they get the redder they are.
A STRIKING illustration Of the saying that
the pith Of "a lady letter is in the postscript,
was that of a young lady who, having gone
out to India, and writing home to her friends,
concluded with the following words p. S.
You viii see by my signature that I am mar.
RED.
4 WESTERN NoyEf--The first chapter in a
western novel has the following; San Of a
sudden the fair girl continued to sit on the
sand gazing upon the briny deep, on whose
heaving bosom the tall ships went merrily by,
f.eisbted-ah who can tell with how much
j y aud sorrow, and piae lumber and emf
grants, aud hopes and salt fish,"
UsssAsoyABLE.-The too prevalent habit
of sleeping in church is the occasiop Of many
queer incidents. a well-known city man late
ly fell asleep in country church. He was
finally disturbed by the touch of contribu-
ton box 10 The hands Of one of the wardens,
WHO was making a collection; but without
opening his eyes the sleeper calculated,
Season. aud sank back to resume his nap.
1t Is unnecessary TO say that he was a season
ticket holder on one of the suburban rail-
ways.
Az elderly gentleman, accustomed to in
duige, entered the room Of a certain tavern,
where sat a grave friend by the fire. Lifting
a pair of green spectacles upon his forehead,
rubbing his infan ned eyes, and calling for
brandy and water, he complained to the
friend that his eyes were getting weaker, and
that even speetaeles didn't seem to do them
any good I'll tell thee, friend, replied the
Quaker, what l think If thee wear thy
spectacles over thy mouth for few months,
thy eyes would get well again.
A VERY OBrusE W1rxEss.-Pat Fogerty
went all the way from Manchester to London
to thrash Mick Fitzpatric, winding up the
performance with the assistance Of ans'awfuI
horse shoe" He was detected and brought
before justice. A part of the examination is
annexed:
Court-Well sir, you came from Manches.
ter, did you?
Pat-Your honor has answered correct.
Court--You see the compIainanfs head.
it was cut BY some sharp instrument. Do YOU
know what cut it2
Pat-Ain't yer honor after saying some
sharp instrument did,
Court (becoming restive) IL see YOU mean
to equivocate. Now sir you cut that head;
you came here to cut it did you not? Now,
sir, what brought you to London?
Pat-The locomotive, sir.
Court waxing warm - Equivocating
again, you seoundrel; (raising up the horse
shoe before Pat do you see this horse shoe, |
sir?
Pat-Is ii horse shoe, your heaorq
Court-Don't you sec 1t is, sir? Are YOU
blind ? can you not tell at once that it is a
horse shoe
Pat-Bedad, no, your honor.
Court (aagrily)-Nol
Pat-No your honor, but can yourself tell?
Coun-Ofcourse can, you stupid Irish
man
Pat (solilOquizing aloud) Oh glory be to
goodness, see what education is, yer honor;
sure poor ignorant creature like myself
wouldn't know horse shoe from mares.