Clarksville chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 186?-1872, 1869-10-02
THE CHRONICLE.
OIarassiiis. saturday, Oct. 2, 1859.
JOSH billings.
The Raccoon and the pct,yroxrc,.


The Raccoon and the Petty logger.
The Racoon IL a resident ov the
United States Ov America; he emil
grated tew this country soon after its
discovery by Columbus, without
cent, and nothing but his claws tew
git a living with. .f
He IL one ov them kind ov persons
whose hide liz worth more than all the
rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy tim
Der, and cultivates the cornfields and
nabring garden sass for sustenance,
and understands his Dizziness.
Hiz family consists ov wife and
three children, who liv with him on
the inside ov tree.
He can alwus be found at home
during the day, reddy tew receive
calls, but his nights are devoted tew
looking after his own affairs.
He dresses In soft fur, and hiz tail,
which liz round, haz rings on It.
TheZe rings are ov the same mate
rial that the tail liz, and are worn upon
all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself
up into hard not and lays down by
hiz fireside.
When spring opens he opens, and
goes out tew see how the chickens
have wintered.
Hlz life IL az free froom labor az q
new penny, and If 1t wasn't for the
dogs and the rest ov mankind, the
racceon would find what everybody
else haz lost-a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men
skin him, and what there Is left ov
him amt worth a cuss.
He is not natral vagabond like
the hedgehog and the alligator, but
luvs to be civilized and liv amung
folks; and he haz one vice that the
smartest missionary on earth kant
redeem, and that IL the art NV steal
ing. q
He IL second only tew the crow in
petit larceny, and will steal what he
kant eat nor hide.
He will tip over barrel of apple
sass just for the fun Nv mauling the
sass with his feet, and will pull out
the plug out ov the molassis, not be-
kause he luvs sugar emmy better than
he duz young duck, but just tew see If
the molassis haz got a good daub to
1t.
hav studded animal deviltry for
eighteen years bekause the more dew
iltry In an animal, the more human
he liz. t,slt
can't find out, by searching the
passenger list, that Noah had a cuon
on board, but am willing tew bet 10
pound ov mutton sassage that mister
coon, and hiz wife committed, by
stealing ride.
l never knu rackoon tew want
ennything long that he could steal
quick.
Ennybody, who haz ever looked
coon right square in the face, will bet
yu u dollar that he Is dead beat, or
under five hundred dollars bond, not
tew go into the Dizziness for the next
ninety days.
hav had tame coons by the doz-
zen, they are az eazy to tame az n
child, if yu take them young enuff,
but / kant advise ennybody to Guilt
vate coons, they want az mutch look
ing after az q blind mule on the tow
path, and tha'e amt emmy more profit
in them than thar IL in a stock divI-
dend on the Erie Rail road.
never waz out of pet animal
since ! kan remember, till now, but
am out Ov the trade forever; lately
] discovered that il waz good deal
like making Il whissell out Ov kats
tale, running q comfortable tale, and
reaping a kursid mean whissell
Rackoons liv tew be So years old, if
they miss the sosiety ov men and dogs
enuff, but thare Amt but few ov them
die ov old age the north western fur
company are the CRATE undertakers Of
the coon family.
feel sorry for coons; for with trifle
more brains, they would make re-
spectible pettyfoggers before the JUS
It's ov the peace but even this would
not save them from final purdishun.
Natur don't make emmy mistakes,
after all she hits the bull right in the
eye every time; when she wants a
rackoOn, with rings on hiz tale, she
makes him, and when she wants a
IL, pettyfogger, she knows how, ,tew
make him, without splicing good
coon. ..I..
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav desti-
ny tew fill, and they may enable a
justlss Of the peace, in n cloudy day,
tew know good deal less of the law
than he Otherwise would; still, for all
this, if | waz obliged tew pray for
one or the other, think now I should
say, Civ us n lettle more coon, and u
good deal less pettyfogger.
If the Raccon would only give his
whole attenshun tew politicks, thar
amt but few could beat him; he's at
home on the stump, and menny on
MS, oid c0ons, kan reckolekt how, in
lS4), with nothing but hard cider
diet, he swept the country, from the
north to the south pole, like cargo
oy EPSON pSaltS.