The Portland daily press., 1869-09-29
Gossip and Gieantngs.

Stockings darned by machinery are said to
be darned nice.
Men who take things as they come along
thieves.
Miss Asphyxia gives as a reason for de-
clining to marry widower, the fact that she
is down on secondhand children.
Never tell your secrets in a corn field, for
it has thousand ears.
"A Partisan author has translated Shakes
peare's line, ''Oat, brief candle, into French
thus -"Get out, you brief candle"
Specimens from Horace Greeley's defini-
tions in his forthcoming pol itieal dictionary
Honest mani.
Knave-U.
"A Minnesota girl dismissed her lover on
learning that he gave her father drink of
whiskey.
-"How did you manage to get along in Par
is without knowing the French languase?'
inquired q gentleman of Mrs. Shoddy' "Oh,
We had an interrupter with u.s." complacently
replied the old lady.
"A horse recently drew one wheel of a not
very heavy wagon over boy, crowding him
pretty well into the mud "Youre in pretty
business" remarked bystander. Eyes," re-
Piled the boy, "overrun with it."
The Judge who divorced himself from his
wife in his own court is said to be 'at the head,
OF the 4egif 4eifsSssss;aa " s sptass. .M.sssari:-
"A wag, seeing door nearly off its hinges
in which condition it had been for some time
e
some one it would probably be hung.
| Admiral Porter, while riding in street
car in Washington lately, was annoyed by sew
| eral drunken sailors. AT last he told them
who he was, and demanded what ship they
belonged to. Wine had given one of them wit
enough to reply, admiral, you have changed
| the names of the ships SO often that don't
really know what ship we do belong to-"
Indians are numbering women and chill
dren in New Mexico.
"A darkey's account of a sermon: "weli
sahs, de sermon was upon de miracles of de
loaves. De minister said how der seven thou
sand loaves and de five thousand fishes divided
between de twelve apostles; an de miracle
was dat dey didn't bustp'
the Chinese mission has leaked oat. He was
not on good terms with his uncle, Old Hyson,
who lives there.-Chicaqo Post. It's a pity,
too, because we could fool the Celestals with
Ere Ling Huy-Sen. They would be sure to
think he was Chinaman.
There was a clergyman who often became
xuite vexed at finding his little grandchildren
in his study. One day one of these little chill
dren was standing by his mothers side and she
was speaking to him of heaven. 'Ma," said
he, 81 don't want to go to heaven" Don't
want to go to heaven my son?" "No, ma, I'm
sure don't" "Why not, my son?' "Why,
grandpa will be there, won't hep "Why, yes,
1 hope he will" "Well, just as soon as he
lees us, he will come scolding along, aud say I,
'Whewl whew! whew! what are these boys
here for?"
Three young men of Antwerp, Jeff,rson
county, while out on a spree, went into a
cheese factory to get drink of milk While
the proprietor's back was turned they seized
cake lying on table, and getting iuto their
buggy left in hurry. The missed his
cake as soon as they had gone, and the 'situa-
tou" flashing upon his mind, he harnessed his
horse and followed tbom as fast as possible.
When he overlook them, he found them all in
| commissions. The cake had been prepared for
rats. and contained arsenic. They narrowly
escaped with their lives.
"A ludicrous accident happened To princa
Napoleon when he delivered his recent re-
markabe speech in the French Senate. He
took up the glass OF sugared water on the ora
tors tribune, and, in the heat of the moment
he Gsst'culated with it so wildly that he spill
ed the whole conteuts over NJ. L ,caze the
most extreme member of ths ultra reactionary
purity, who sat sneeringly in front of him. aud
interrupted him every moment by insulting
EXPLANATIONS The effect was so comical that
even the grave President of the Senate, NJ
, Eugene Rouher, who is known to be no friend
of Prince n lpoleon, burst into loud laus hter
. The Prince himself bit his lips and said to NJ
Lacaze gravely, but felicitously, m. Llcaze
pardon me for this Interruption.
AT a so.called spiritu i sitting 10 Hartford
recently, there was present woman VINO
muurned the loss of her consort and, as inc
, manifestations began to appear tne spun -
: the departed Benedict entered upon 'no ~
u OF course the widow was eager 10 ens" =,
o conversation with the absent one anu ''' 70
+ lowinc dialogue ensued: Widow arg '01 :,
y tho sn,rit worId?" The Lamehte" %
Q ,y;,a,,..uov long have you been tnereE
o m, Io,,sn,ed-"O, some time WiuoW-
1 -,, ,,opt to come back and be with
Y ~ -. ,,;sa9, The Lamented-"Not if
s ~ ..,,.o,r IFS hot enough around herep