Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-08-27
9nm0r0ns.
skrIighLa-Ths san. moon and gtar..

THE hardships ofthe oeean-The iron elads.
Motto for boarding -houses--No piece re-
peated.
Dangerous associates-Those who are
dressed to kiH
AN omnibus horse has about an equal ex-
perience of wheel and wo.
THIS best adhesive label you can put on
luggage is to stick to ityourself
Salads, like the heads of ladies, need a good
deal Of dressing to go down well.
BE4uTIFUL ExTRAcT-A handsome young
lady just helped ont OF a mudhole
WHEN does the rain become too familiar
with a lady? When it begins to pat her (pat-
teri on her back.
"ToM, l hear you are broke 2" ''Yes, -
said Tom, with a sigh, "and so broke that il
steamboats, we're selling at a cent piece,
couldn't buy a plank r.
"THE attempt" says an exchange, ''to
start an asylum for useless young men has
failed, as no building could be constructed
large enough.
AN old bachelor, seeing the words Fam
lies supplied over the door Of shop, step.
ped in and said he would take a wife and two
children.
A eouPLe in Chicago met for the first time
on Friday last, courted Saturday, were zen
gagged" on Sunday, and married on Monday.
When win they be divorced?
"PRIsoxER, you have heard the complaint
for habitual drunkenness; what have you to
say in your defence ~ Nothing, please
your honor, but habitual thirst"
any son, said an anxious father, why do
you chew that nasty tobacco?' The boy, de-
elining to consider the question in the spirit
in which it was asked replied: "To get the
juice"
"MAMNY," said a precoeious little boy,
who, against his will, was made to rock the
cradle of bis baby brother, ''if the Lord has
any more babies to give away, don't you take
: eml"
A WEDDING took place near Dry Grove,
Miss, few days since, 10 which the bride
had scarcely reached her tenth year, the
groom being over six feet high and thirty
eight years Of age.
4 WEsr PoIyr correspondent says; 50 a
cadet confdentially informs us that none Of
US think anything of being engaged to four or
FIVE girls at the same time That's the fun,
you know The wretch! -
A YOUNG maa in St. Joseph, No, has com
menced a suit against young lady for OBJ
tanning goods under false pretences. The
articles in question we're presents made dur
ing an engagement now broken off
A coUXTEy clergyman says he has married
but one couple in a year, and that they paid
him nothing, stayed to dinner as it was a
rainy day, and then borrowed his umbrella
when they left, which he has never seen since.
We got badly "taken in" at the Girard
House, the other day Walking in one Of
the halls, we saw splendidlooking fellow
coming toward US but on drawing nearer, we
found ourselves before an immense mirror.
LEAN PoRKERs.-The farmer whose pigs
we're so lean that if took two of them to make e
a shadow, has been beaten by another, who
had several so thin that they would crawl out
through thu cracks in their pen. He finally
stopped that fun by tying knots in their tails.
More people are used up by doing nothing
than hard work. The most difficult task that
ever fell to the lot of man is to kill time. II
most always ends in killing its subjects, a sort
of two edged sword, it goes back on its pos
SCISSOR.
Or some railroads it is customary to have a
lockuOn the stove to prevent the passengers
from meddling with the FIRE. a conductor
being asked why they locked the stove, re-
piled, that 1T was to prevent the FIRE from
going out.
An artist invited a friend to criticise por-
trait he had painted of Mr.. Smith, who was
given to drink. Putting his hand toward it,
the artist exclaimed "Don't touch it; it is
not dryr' Then said he, at cannot be
ike my friend Smith
The late Rev. Daniel Isaac was both a
great wag and a great smoker. "Ho! there
you are, cried lady, who surprised him one
day with pipe in his mouth, 'at your idol
again. Yes, madam" he coolly replied,
burning ii"
A handsome young bride was observed to
be in deep reflection on her wedding day.
One of her bridesmaids asked her the subject
of her meditation. Il vas thinking" she
replied, (which of my old beaux should
marry if should become widow
A bear attacked Texan farmers cabin one
night, when the farmer got into the loft, leav.
ing his wife and children to take care Of
themselves The wife seized the poker and
aimed heavy blow at bruiu. "Give it to
him, Nancy - exclaimed the valiant hus-
band After bruin was dead, be came down
from the loft, and said: ''Naacy, my dear,
amt we brave ~
RoUGH or tbs DocroR.-A village doctor
went out to visit patient in a neighboring
hamlet, and took with him his gun, that he
might wing any game he encountered on
crossing the field. A farmer meeting him on
the way, asked him whittier be was going
"To see a patient, was the answer.
What, then, said the farmer, 'do you
really fear to miss him in the ordinary way,
that you take-your gun with you to make snre
of him ?''
A PHYSICIAN having finished the amputa.
ton of the leg of one of his patients, a near
relative of tie latter called him aside, and
said, anxiously, to him; doctor, do you
think your patient viii recover" Recover
there has never been the least shadow o.
hope for him ''Then what was the use o.
making him suffer?n ''Wby, my dear fellow
you astonish mel Could you say bTutally tc
sick man, 'you are dyiug?' He must BE-
amused little.
DlDN'T KNOW. dav at I axe George q