The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1869-07-31
BuDget of finn.
Witty Remains of ArteInas Ward

We extract the following from a new book
Just issued, entitled "Artemus Wards Panor ANA,
as Exhibined in the Egyptian Hall, London
HIS ARTISTIC CAREER.
81 could draw on wood at very tender age
When mere child l once drew cart load o,
turnps over a wooden bridge The people OF
the village noticed me. drew their attention
They said had future before me. Up to tina,
time had an idea that it was behind me-
"Time passed on. 1t always does by the way
Yon may possibly have noticed that tune al
ways does. 1t is kind of way time always
has.
81 became man. / haven't distinguished N.Y.
self at all artist but have always been
more or less mixed up with art l have an un.
Gle who takes photographs, and l have servant
who takes anything he lays his hands on.
''HIs MUSICAL IDEAS"
81 like music can't sing. As singist
am not success. l am saddest when l sing. So
are those who hear me. They are sadder even
than am.
"The other night, some ily-voced young men
came under my window anu sang Come where
my Love lies Dreaming | didn't 60 l did
not think it would be correct.
81 found music very soothing when lay sick
with fever at Utah; and l was very i'll was
fearfully wasted. My face was hewn down to
nothing and my nose was so sharp didn't dare
to stick it into other peoples business-for fear
1t would stay there and / should never get it
again And in those dismal days Mormon la
dy-she was married, though not so much as her
husband, he had fifteen other wives-she used
sing ballad commencing Sweet bird do not hv
away and told her l would not. She played
the ACCORDION divinely--and accordeonly prais-
ed her
''THE STEAMER ARIEL.
81 went to California on the steamer Ariel.
This is the steamer Ariel
"Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer
Ariel: and when you go to California, be sure
and go in some other steamer, bee % the Ariel
isn't very good one.
'THE PICTURE OF THE GREAT DESERT.
"This picture is great work of art 1t is an
oil painting done in petroleum 1t ia by the old
masters. Ii was the last thing they did before
dying. They did this, and then they expired.
'The most celebrated artists of London are so
delighted with this picture, that they come to
the hall every day to gaze at it. wish that you
were nearar TO it-so you could see it better. /
wish could take it to your dwellings, and let YOU
see it by daylight Some of the greatest artists
come here every morning before daylight with
lanterns to look at it. They say they never saw
anything like 1t Beforehand they hope they new
er shall again.
"When first showed this picture in New
York, the audience was so enthusiastic in their
admiration of this picture that they called forth
the artist-and when ne appeared they threw
brickbats at him.
"BRIGHAM YOUNG.
brigham Young has two b.. "a gy.yes Just
think OF that. Oblige me by thinking OF that.
That is, he has eighty actual wives, and he is
DniYlknAllv IN cd "a, hp,l Lad a
more. SO we may say that he has two hundred
wives.
He loves not wisely. but two hundred we'll
He's dreadfully married He's the most married
mad l ever in my Ills.
81 saw his mother-in law while | was there
l cant exactly tell you how many there is of her,
but it's good deal. 1t strikes me that one
mother.in.law Is about enough to have in one
fanily-unless you are very FOND of excitement
'MoRMoN PRosELYTIsM
IL regret to say that efforts were made 70 make
Mormon OF me while | WAS in Utah.
at WAS leap year when | was there, and sew
enteen young widows, the wives of r deceased
Mormon, offered me their hearts and hands l
called on them day, and taking their soft,
white hands i'll mine, which made eighteen hands
in ali, found them in tears.
"And l said, why is this thus? What is the
reason Of this thusness?
"They hove sigh, seventeen signs of different
size. They said :
"Oh Soon thou wilt be contested away"
II told them that when got ready to leave
place wentested.
"They saith: Doth not like US"
II said 4 doth, DOTH
~ also said: 4 hope your intentions are hon.
orable, as l am lone child, my parents being
far, far away
"Then they said: Wilt not marry uss
Il said: % no. 1t cannot was.
"Again they asked me to marry them, and I
declined. when they cried:
".Oh cruel man this is too much Oh too
much
II told them that it was on account of the
muchness that declined
"BRIGHAM YoUNG's FAMILY.
"The last picture have to show you repre-
sents Mr.. Brigham Young in the bosom of his
family. His family is large and the olive branch.
es around his table are in tangled condition.
He 10 more father than any man / know Of
When at home.-as you here see him--he ought
to be very happy with sixty wives to minister to
his comforts, and twice sixty children to soothe
his distracted mind. All my friends what is
home without q family"
"'Tis plain it's plain !" Dick musing cried;
"What's plain, my dear ?" asked Dicks bride.
I" Your face, my love !" said Dick and sighed.
The most agreeable flashes Of lightning to be
struck BY are those that shoot from the eyes of a
female beauty-:hough they sometimes have
been the ruin of many man.
A pretty girl says: "lf it was wrong for
Adam to live single when there was not a woman
nm rkh hou ltv al nboln "a he