Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-05-14

To keep cut of debt, acquire the reputa-
ion of a rascal, and no one will trust you,
WuEX is money damp? When it be-
comes dew in the morning and mist in the
evening.
When does the rain become too familiar
to a lady? When it begins to pat her lpat-
teri on her back,
JOSH BILIISGs says he viii never pstro-
nize a lottery so long as he can hire anybody
else to rob him at reasonable wages,
Il thought you told me, doctor, that
Smiths fever had gone off. = "Oh, yes;
but it and Smith went of together.
A prisoner was examined in court, and
conuadicted himself Why do you lie
so ?? asked the Judge haven't you a
lawyer
\ smart young lady in reply to an inquiry
Why she didn't get married, said it was be-
cause She was unable to support husband
"EXcusE me, madam, but I would Ike
to ask whyyou look at me so savagely?
"Odl beg pardon, sir l took you for my
husband
"WuAr are you doing with my micro
scope George 2" I've been shaving,
father and want to see if there are any
hairs in the latber.
SoHg ssy the quickest way to destroy
weeds IS to marry widow. It is, no doubt
a most agreeable species of husbaudry.
4 sweet young lady says that males are
of no acc0uut from the time the ladies stop
kissing them as infants till they commence
kissing them as lovers.
4 correspondent says there are no daily
papers published in his town, but there Is a
ladies' sewing meeting, which answers the
very same purpose.
II is a curious fact that, though The rain
keeps thousands away from church on sun
day, it does not deter a single man from at
tending to bis business on week days
To teach one to help oneself the Span
iards say, drawing the simile from hot por-
ridge, He who hath mouth Of his own
should not bid any one else blow.
rs Mr. Jones in?" asked an Irishman of
the porter at a hotel. No, was the re-
ply; viii you leave your name?" Och,
do you think Ia be after going
home without a name p
A negro was driving a mule in Jamaca,
when the animal suddenly stopped and re-
fused to bulge, Wont you goi eh?' said
the boy. Feel grand, do you2 l sDose
sou forgot your fadder was jackass I!
A three year old youDgster saw drunken
man 'tacking" through the street Mo
,hsr, said he, did God make that MANI"
She replied in The affirmative. The Httle
fellow reflected for a moment, and then ex-
claimed, l wouidn' have done it -
CONE Lere. you young scamp, and get
a sound spanking. Scholar-''Y You hahn t
got no right to spank me, and the copy you
set sen so. - Teacher-"I should ike to
hear you read that copy. Scholar (read5l
let all the ends thou aimest at be thy
couary',."
A bashful young man escorted home an
equally bashful young lady As they were
the dwelling of the damsel; she
said entreatingly, Ezekiel, now don't tell
anybody you beau'd me home "Sary,
said he emphatically, don't you miud I
am as much ashamed oft as you are.
An Irishman was employed to trim some
fruit trees. He went in the morning and
on returning at neon, was asked ifhe had
completed his work.
No, was the reply; but I have cut
them all down, and am going to trim them
in the afternoon.
An Irishman, noticing woman pass
along the street, spied two strips pending
from under the lady S cloak-Not knowing
that they were styled sashes, ana were
hanging in the right place, he exclaimed,
Faith, ma am, your ggIlasses are united. -
\ Sunday School tgashcr was not a little
surprised one day to find counterfeit shii
ling among the coppers; the donor was
pointed out to him. Didn't you know
that it was good for Dothing?" said the
teacher Yes, answered the boy Il
didn' pose the hcathens would know the
difference
y promising young shaver of FIVE or six
years was reading his lesson at school one
day in the deliberate manner for which ur
chins of that age are somewhat remarkable.
As he proceeded with the task he came up
Oh the passage, Keep thy tongue from
evil and thy lips from guile Master
Hopeful drawled out, "Keep-thy-tongue
from evil -- and thy - lips from
girls.
JOSH BILLINGS was asked, How fast
does sound trayel?" and his opinion is that
it depends a good deal upon the noise you
are talking about The sound of a dinner
horn, for instance, travels half mile in a
second while an invitation to Get nm In tho
morning I have kaowed to be quarters Of
an hour goin up pair of stairs, aud then
not bav strength left to be heard
Mr.. FULLER, q Methodist preacher,
found it necessary to exc out a scanty living
by selling books lie called on a lady in
parish where he once labored As be an
nounced his errand, the lady expressed her
horror and surprise. What Mr.. Fuller,
I thought you labored for souls, and not for
money Fuller replied IA minister can