Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-02-05
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hat" We have not seen it, but presume it
has s'brick" in it.
A philosopher says that if anything will
make woman swear, it is looking for her
nlghtcap after the lamps blown out
A boarding house keeper in Springfield, is
in the habit, when her boarders fail to pay
up promptly, of placing an extra fork at
their plate, as silent intimation to .sfork
over"
A tipsy loafer mistook globe lamp with
letters on it for the queen of night II am
blessed" said he, eff somebody hain't stuck
an advertisement on the moon.''
When lady INDUCES a yawn or two,
gentlemen are justified in guessing their
hats are needed on their heads, and the best
side of the door is the outside.
A toast at an Irish society's dinner at
Cincinnati: Here's..to the President of the
society, Patrick O'Raferty may he live to
ate the hen that scratches over his grave,
Did you KNOW said cunning Gentle to
Jew. that they hang Jews and jackasses
together in Portland ? indeed retorted
Solomon, den it ish veil dat you and ish
not dare
A badly bunged up Emerald Islander. in
response to the inquiry "Where have you
been Z" said: "Down to Mrs. Mulroney's
wake, and an Elegant time we had of it,
Fourteen fights in fifteen minutes only one
whole nose left in the house and that belonged
to the tay kettlep
81 q. q
At medical examination, young aspi-
rant was asked, 'When does modification
ensue % .,-.sg,.s7,,
''When you propose, and are rejected"
was the reply that greeted the amazed ex-.
aminer.
A doctor returned coat to atailor be-
cause it did not fit him The tailor seeing
the doctor at the funeral of one of his pa
tients, said: "Ah, doctor, you are hap
Ply man! "Why so /? Because, replied the
tailor, ''you never have any of your bad
work returned on your hands. ~
A Pathfinder, in travelling on his way to
Manchester, New Hampshire, arrived at the
forks ola road were stood sign-board which
read thus:
Manchester four miles" 'sManchased
her four miles p cried Pat. "Be the houly
poker, I could have caught her myself in
half the time"
GET MARRIED. .-One of the down-east
strong minded females volunteered the fol.
lowing advice "to whom it may concern"
'Get married, young man, and be quick a.
bout it too Don't wait for the millennium
hoping that the girls would turn to angels
before you trust yourself to one of them. \
pretty thing you would be alongside of an
angel, wouldn't you, you brute"
IRISH PoEr.-Among company of cheer
full Irishmen, in the neighborhood Of St. Giles
it was proposed by the host to make gift
of couple of fowls to him that off hand
should write six lines in poetry Of his own
composing. Several of the merry crew at
tempted uusuccessfully to gain the price,
Atlength the wittiest among them thus en-
ded the contest:
GOOD friends, as I'm to make poem,
Excuse me if just step home;
Two lines already! be not cru'l,
Consider, homes I'm fool;
There's four lines, now I'll gain the fowls
With which l soon shall fill my bowls"
Judge Andrews tells of an occasion when,
to use Southern phrase, he was sstaken
down" by one of his audience during polit-
ical address. He was candidate for Gov
ernor Of his State, and was explaining to
large crowd how his friends had pressed him
to be candidate, and that the Office was
seeking him, and that he was not seeking
the Office.
'sIn fact" exclaimed he, ''the Office of
governor has been following me for the last
ten years!''
Just then tall countryman in the audi
ence arose and shouted, "But here's yer
consolation, judge: you're gainin' on it all
the time, and it will never catch you !''-
The prophecy was literally fulfilled.
SMALL AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS. --"Supar"
said delightful wife to her liege lord, "hoy
do you like my new bonnet, just from Misses
OLeary Il Elder, the fashionable milliners
on Bank street :"
''Your new what" said Sugar.
"Why, my new bonnet you goose" re-
piled his better half, indignant at the indea
of such Indifference,
"You always look so charming, nv little
ducky," nudging her under the chin '.but
my dumping. whcrethe deuce is the bon
net; can't see thing, you know"
Ducky replies, "that it is directly on the
top of her head. but hidden from sight by
the love of rosebud"
Sugar drew on bis Imagination, and said
he perceived it-.just to keep peace in the
family.
Would LIKE TO HEAR SOME Music. An
old farmer, residing in one of the rural dis
tricts of the West, having occasion to trans
act business in city about twenty miles dis
tant, took with him one of his daughters as
o companion for the trip, and also to show
her little of the world. Upon his arrival
in the city, not finding the lawyer of whom
he was in quest, at his Office, he went to his
residence few blocks distant, The lady of
the house very kindly offered to take charge
of and entertain the daughter, during the
temporary absence of the father with her
husband, The young lady's curiosity was
thoroughly aroused by the tasteful and rich
appointments Of the house, she having been
accustomed all her life to the plainest kind
Of household "fxins." She went from one
article to another, expressing unbounded
pleasure in viewing the elegance and beau.
ty OF the furniture. Suddenly stopping be-
fore, the piano, she exclaimed: whats
that thing 2" IA piano-forte" said the la
dy. "What do you with it ~ "Play up
on il" "And what's them things ~ "They
are the keys ofthe instrument; do you want
to hear me play% The girl bobbed her
head in affirmation, and the lady sat down
and executed very brilliant operate peice.
When she had concluded she xhealed around