, 1869-01-29
The JosA Billings, Papers.
THE OLD BACHELOR.

- ~eASAASA OA0 DACuClOl II luNdIlaUlY OV
the neuter gender, don't kare how mutch
be may offer tew bet that it sint So.
They are like dried apples on a string,
want good deal Ov soaking before they will
do to use.
suppoze there IL sum Of them who hay
a good excuse for their nuterness menuy ov
them are too stingy tew marry this il one
ov the best excuses kuo ov, for a stiugy
man aint ft tew hav a nice woman.
Sum old bachelors git after a iirt. and
kant travel az fast az she duz, and then
konklude awl the female group are hard tew
keteh, and good for nothing when they are
ketched.
A firt is tuff thing tew overhaul, unless
the right dog gifts after her, and then thay
are the easiest ov awl tew ketch, and often
make the very best ov wives
When firt really falls in love, she IL AZ
poweress as a mown dairy
Her impudence then changes into modesty,
her cunning into fear, her spurs into hal.
ter, her pruning hook into cradle.
The best way tew ketch hrt il tew
travel the other way from which they are
going, or set down on the grass and whissel
sum lively tune till the firt comes round.
Old bachelors make the frts, and then
the fiirts git more than even, by making the
old bachelors.
A majority oV the fiirts git married finally,
for they hav CRATE quantity of the most
dainty titbits ov womans natur, and alwus
hav shrewduess to back up their sweetness.
tllrts don't deal in poetry and water
grewcl; they hav got tew hav brains, or elsa
sumboddy would trade them out oy their
capital at the fust swop
Thare IL sich thing Il bav been told bi
thoze who kuo sum more ov theze things
than dc, az old bachelors being manufak-
tured out ov disappointed love.
This IL good deal az sensible az a mans
staying out in the cold all night, on the
wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made
up his mind tew ford it, in jist sich place
WHARF be knOs the water iz over biz he'd,
when if he would 60 little further up or
down the creek, be would find the crossing
eazy, and a sweet little critter with out>
stretched hands to beckon him across.
Disappointed luv must ov course be all on
one side, and this amt emmy more excuse for
being an old bachelor than it il for a man
tew quit all kind of manual labor, jist out ov
spite, and jine poor house, bekauze he kant
lift a ton at one pop.
Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so
bekauze they fear the burden ov family.
This would be good excuse if there waz
emmy truth in it, the fact iz, if such men had
a family, they would be the grasshoppers
themselfs that the bible speaks ov, az weigh
ing so mutch to the pound
An old bachelor will brag about his free>
dom to you, hiz relief from anxiety, biz iDde-
pendence. This IL a dead beat past resur>
recIion, for evryboddy knows there amt a
more anxious dupe on earth than he il. All
hiz dreams are charcole sketches ov board
ing school misses he dresses, greases biz
hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates
bunyons aud korns, tew pleaz hiz captains,
the wimmiu, and only gifts larfed at for biz
pains
l tried being an old bachelor till waz
about twenty years old, aud cum very near
dieing a dozen times. [ had more sharp
pain in one year than hav had since, put
it all in heap; i waz in lively fever all
the time
If man haint got euDything in hiz natur
but vanity and sef-love, he iz very apt tew
want to be an old bachelor, and generally
makes good specimen ov the critters but
what more disgusting traits can man hav
than these ?-and thare iz no stronger argu,
ment in favor ov Citing married than the
tackt that thare aint nothing that will kure
theze complaints so thoroly as wife and
fifteen or twenty babes.
There liz only one person who haz inhab.
tied this world, thus far, that think could
hav bin an old bachelor and done the sub
jekt justiss, and he waz Adam but since
Adam saw fit to open the ball. hold it il
evry mans duty to selekt a partner, and
keep the dance hot.