Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1869-04-06
THE HERALD.
Josh Billings Papers-Spring and Biles.

usual, hail bntuous virgin, 5,0O0 years |
old and upwards, hale and hearty |
old gal, welcum tew York State and
parts adjacent
Now the birds jaw, now the cattle
holler, now the pigs skreach, now the
geese warble, now the kats sigh, and
nature is trisky the earnest plsmire,
the virtuous bedbug and the nobby
cockroach are singing Yankee doodle
and coming thru the rhi." Now
may be seen the musketeer, that
gray outlined critter ov destiny, sol-
itary and alone, examining his last
years bill, and now may be heard,
with the naked ear, the hoarse shapg
high, bawling in the barnyard.
Kittens in the doorway, and pups
pies on the green, neighbor chats
with neighbor, and the languid ur-
chin creeps listlcss toward the school.
These things are all fust rate in. their
place, but spring brings pesky 6ttes,
and plants them careiessiy, some
times among the maiden's charms,
and sometimes among the young
mems. | kan tork like a pressure
poet about biles just now, for i have
one IN full bloom growing on me, all
most reddy TO pick, az big az an egg
plant, anu az iuil az :. broken heart.
Blles are the sorest things ov their
sizo on reckord, aud az kross tew
the touch az u setting hen, or dog
with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick
out the handyest place on you're body
tew build their nest, and if you un>
dertake to brake them up, it only
makes them mad, and takes them
longer to hatch out. Thare amt no
sutch thing az eoaxing, nor driving
them away. They are like an inn
pudent bed bug, they wont move till
they hav got their fill.
Biles are az old az religion. Job,
the profit, waz the first champion ov
biles, and he is currently reported
tew have more biles and more pa
shunce to the square inch than emmy
one-two very rare things to be
found in emmy man.
Biles and paShunce! should az
soon think ov mixing counting and
musketeers together, for luxury.
| have got CRATE deal more faith
than have pashunce, but haint got
enough faith in biles. | wouldn't
trust bile, even on one ov mi boots.
| think faith IL u better artikle
than pashunce. Faith sumtimes IL
an evidence ov brains, and pashunce
quite often IL only numbness, but i
don't think in these smooth shod
times it is best to have too mulch
capital invested in either ov them.
But am out ov the road. i must
git back onto biles again.
If "a fellow begins lew wander, and
git out ov the straight and narrow
path, it is curious how quick he will
begin to go to the Biles are
very sassy sumtimes when yer go TO
set down they will git between yer
and the chair this is one evidence ov
their i'll breeding, and had one once
plant herself on the front end ov my
noze, which waZ most remarkabel
| piece ov bad manners, for there IL no
room on my noze ennywhere for a
bile; for when it liz even ebb tide
with mi nOZe it covers half ov my
face. Biles are sed tew be heithy,
and guess they am, for hev seen
sum helthy old biles, az big az hor-
nets nest and az full ov stings. | al>
ways want tew be helthy-i am will
lug tew pay the highest market price
for good deal ov healthy-but if
had to hev biles on me awl the time,
in order to be helthy, should think
that waz bulllng the market.
There il one more smart thing
about biles they are like twins
they hardly ever come singly, and |
| have known them to throw double
skies.
What | twelve bies on one man at
a time This IL wus than fighting
humble bees with you're summer
clothes.
BIies are sed, by the educated and
correct spoilers ov the land tew be
an operasbun ov nature To get rid
ov sumthlng which she wants tcw
spare. This IL so without doubt, but
it don, strike me az being very po-
lite thing in nature tew SHOW oph her
biIes onto other folks. | say let ev~
erybody take care ov her own biles.
But say all yer kan about biles,
cali them all the mean names current
among fishmungers, reviie, and per-
secute, and spit on them, groan, grin
and swear they visit yer, nit them
over the head, and set on them if yer
pleaZe, there il time in their career
when they concentrate awl the pa
thos ov Joy that man has on hand
to spare, and that iz-when they
bust
This il bliss, glory and revenge on
the half shell. A man leans back in
rectified comfort, az innocent and az
timber az a mermaid. This pays for
the fretful nights and nervous days
while the bile haZ been Matching /;
this shows us what it IL to grin and
bear it-this shows us what it liz to
be billed, and wrung out and hung up
to dry. This IL the calm after The
storm, the wedding day ov pashunce
and Joy this IL the christening ov
hope, the mystick hen that lays 2
eggs day; this IL butter in yure
sassagis.
Exit BiIes.