Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-09-17
8nlaoruns.
JOSH Bu1lresrsas.-When a rooster crows

ne man Ano DaE just iO0uu Out AG Can
afford tew burn green wood has taken his fust
lesson in economy.
There IL only one thing that can beat truth
aud that is he who alwus speaks it.
lis hard work, at FIRST sight, to see the
wisdom Of rattlesuake bite, but there IL
thousands of folks who never think ov their
sins until they are bit BY a rattlesnake.
Thare IL a great deal oy humin natur in
crab; if you don't pick them up in the rite
way you viii discover it
think now, if ] had all the money that IL
due me, would invest ii in a saw mill, aud
then 'fet her rip.
Take the humbug out of this world, and
you won't have much left to do Dizziness
with.
Faith aud curiosity are the gin cocktails Of
success.
Advertising is sed lew be certain means
Of success; some folks are so impressed with
this truth that it sticks out ov their tomb
stuns.
Thare is this difference between ignoraaee
and error; ignorance is stone blind, and error
IS short sighted; ignorance stands stil aud
error only moves to run agin a post.
Ekonomy is a savings bank into which men
drop pennys and git dollars in return.
Tbare is one thing You cant put ont, and
that IL your conscience; you may smuther it,
but like coal pit it contains the eharred re-
mains.
The two richest men now living in America
that kno ov, is the one who haz got most
money and the other who wants the least;
and the last one is the happiest Of the two.
Cerimony is the necessity of phools; good
breeding is the luxury Of the wise.
Tew be agreeable IL simply tew be easily
pleased If this IL so, how easy and pleasant
tits tew be agreeable.
There Il menuy who wont know ennylhiug
bat what they kan proye-this accounts for
the little they know. Most people found out
sumhow that they ''kant serve God and
mammon too, and so they serve mammon
As Our MorHERs Dove were consider
ably amused, the other day, three little girls
playing among the sage brush in back yard
Two Of them were making believe keep
house" few yards distant from each other
-neighbors, as it were One Of them says
TO the third girl 'There, now, Nelly. You
90 to Sarah's house, and stop little while
and talk, and then you come back and tell me
what she says about me and then IN talk
about her then you 20 and tell her ali l say,
and then well get mad and won't speak to
each other, just like our mothers DO, you
know. 0 thafl be such fun"
A PRIZE was recently offered to any mem
Der of the Connecticut Teachers Institute
who would write and spell correctly the 70
lowing sentence:
''It is an agreeable sight 10 witness the un-
paralleled embarrassment of q harnessed ped
dler attempting to guage the symmetry OF a
peeled onion which sibyl has stabbed with
poignard regardless of the inuendoes Of the
lilies Of carnelian hue"
Thirty eight competed for the prize but not
one was successful.
THE following story is told Of an Irish news
him from the printing Office "We want six
lines to fill out column xiii a child at
Waterford, was his reply. Soon after came
a second message: ''We have killed the child
and still want two lines" Contradict the
same"
A GENTLEMAN residing in Boston, as the
story goes, seeing an Irishman removing an
embankment from a dwelling, inquired,
Patrick, what are you doing?' ~ am
opening the cellar window to be sure.
"And what are you doing that for ?''
MAY It plase your honor, said Patrick,
"to let out the dark"
The WRONG SMELL-A high officer Of the
Sons Of Temperance presented himself, with
the smell of grog he had been drinking upon
him, at the door Of "division" for admis
sion, and was waited upon by an Irish senti
mel, to whom he gave the password, when the
following passed:
"Sir, said he, ''an' yez are Mr.. o. Wright,
the Grand Worthy Patriarch of the State of
Kaintucky, do be afther belavin.
"Yes," said jim, ''you are perfectly right,
my friend; but why do you ask the question:"
"To tell you the truth, then, sir, and shame
the devil" said Pat, ''yez do be havin' the
right password for a Son of Temperance, en-
tirely; but be jabers yez got the wrong smell. -
NEAR the village Of M-tbere lived
farmer who had engaged son of the En-
erald Isle to work for him. One morning in
the Spring Pat was sent to harrow a piece Of
ground. lie had not worked long before all
the teeth-except two or threc-came out of
the harrow. After a while the farmer went
out in the field to see how, Pat proceeded,
and asked him how he liked narrowing.
"oh," replied Pat, 1T goes a bit smoother
now since the pegs are out.
A POOR Irishman, who applied for a license
to sell ardent spirits in one Of the vincial
towns of England, being questioned to moral
fitness, replied.
"Och, an it's there ye are-sure an it not
much Of a character a man needs to sell
whisky p
"WHAT makes you SO grum, Tom2'' "Oh,
/ have had to endure a sad trial to my feel.
ings." 'What on earth was it?'' "Why,
I had to tie on pretty girls bonnet while
her ma was looking on"
A CITIZEN of Indiana, who had the expe-
rience Of eight wives, says that divorces are
much cheaper than funerals as way Of dis
posing of an uncongenial partner.
a RAPrURED writer inquiries, "What is there
under heaven more humanizing, OF, we may
use the term, more angelizing, than a fine
black eye in a lovely woman?' Two black
eyes is the only answer thought of at present.
"PArA, do horses ever kick with their fore
feei?n mo, child, they never do" "Wen,
if horse should kick with one of his hind
feet, would that not be one OF his four?"
TEAcHER-"Peter, you are such bad boy,
that you are not fit to sit in the company Of
good boys on the bench. Come up here and