Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1869-10-15
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.


POINTED in their ways-Mosquitoes.
BUSINESS men insure in the Washington
Life.
THE fittest dover for a widow-A
wi-dower. ~
If lady bids you take heart, you can
probably take hers.
WHAT a difference it makes whether
you put DR.. before or after a mans name
DIVIDENDS are never forfeited in the
| Washington Life Insurance Company OF
| New York.
WHY is laziness like money? Because
| the more man has Of it the more he
wants.
A LANpLADY in Boston, it is said, makes
her biscuit so light, that the dodgers can
see to go to bed by them. Saves Kerosene.
"I'M ruined" as the old woman said
when her house was on fire; 4" but it is a
cold night, and may as aoeU aoarna myself"
A MAN just returned from continental
tour, was asked how he liked the ruins of
Pompeii. "Not very WELL" was the re-
ply; they are SO dreadfully out of re-
pair"
AN inveterate bachelor, who was asked
by romantic young lady "why he did
not secure some fond ones company in his
voyage on the ocean of life," replied "
would, if were sure such an ocean would
be pacific"
ROBERT BONNER did well in offering
| 800, 900 for horse, but he is not by any
means the greatest horse buyer in history.
Richard III. bid a much higher price, al
though it is true there was q panic in the
| horse market at that time.-PHil0delph ia
| Press.
A SHORT time before Judge Fosters
death he went the Oxford circuit in one of
the hottest summers that has been remem-
bered, when his charge to the grand jury
was as follows: Gentlemen, the weather
is extremely hot, / am very old, and you
are very well acquainted with your duty.
Practice it."
WILD OATs-A crop that is generally
sown between eighteen and twenty-five.
The harvest sets in about ten years after,
and is commonly found to consist of a
broken constitution, two weak legs, bad
cough, and large trunk filled with Walls
and patent medicines. We can hardly say
that the yield pays for the time and labor
expended in the cultivation
THE Cleveland Herald says: eve saw
in street car in this city, few days
since, an xpensively-dressed woman not
only tell stranger to give up his seat, but,
upon his doing so, tender him five cents
and loudly insist on his taking it. She
said she was rich enough to pay for
everything she had, and didn't ask no ia
vors from nobody without paying for it. +"
A YOUNG lawyer was examining bank
rupt as to how he had spent his money.
There were about two thousand dollars
unaccounted for, when the attorney put
on severe scrutinizing face, and exclaim-
ed with much self-complacency, CHOW,
Sir, want you to tell this court and Jury
how you used those two thousand dollars"
The bankrupt put on serio- comic face,
winked at the audience, and exclaimed :
1.-The lawyers got that!" The Judge and
the audience were convulsed with laugh
ter, and the counselor was glad to let the
bankrupt 60.
UPON Caleb Gushing spinster poetess
OF Newburyport once wrote an epigram-
matte epitaph, as follows:
Lay aside, all ye dead,
For in the next bed
Reposes the body of Cushing:
He has crowded his way
Through the world, they cay,
And, even though dead, will be pushing"
Ny. Gushing wrote the following re-
joinder:
Here lies one whose wit
Without wounding could hit,
And green grows the grass that's above her;
Having sent every beau
To the regions below,
She has gone down herself for lover
1NFALLIBLE RECEIPTs-To remove
freckles, cut them out with razor and
throw them away. To bring out
moustache, tie it to strong cord, twenty
feet long, to the other end of which at
tach a heavy smoothing iron, and throw
the latter from a fourth story window.
To get rid of red hair, hold your head for
a few moments in a strong blaze of gas.
10 preserve your eyes, put them in
bottle filled with alcohol. To avoid
corpulence, quit eating TO conceal your
teeth, keep your mouth shut. To keep
out OF debt, acquire the reputation of a
rascal and no one will trust you
"DID you ever see one of these here
hoop-snakes?" asked Mr.. Ferguson. "Me
and my hired man was down there in the
home lot, by the side of the road, and we
see something rolling down the hill, and,
says l, l guess that must be one of them
hoop-snakes cominga along My hired man,
he was Altered, and elm up tree; but 1
took my hoe in my hand, and went out and
stood side of a tree in the road, and when
he come along l stuck out the hoe handle,
and he hit it a slap, and he made noise
just like pistol; and, sir, it warn't more'n
mint afore that are hoe handle was
swelled up as big as my leg!"