The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-12-04

brella3 Because IL Is used up.
PEOPLE speak of the suns breaking out. Win
they account for the spots on its face?
WHAT is the difference between pill and
hill? One is hard to get up, and the other is
hard to get down.
JAKE, lend me ten dollars till sell my dorg?"
Jake replied soothingly and sympathetically:-
20 Jim! wouldn't sell him."
A STORY is told of young man who was go
ing West to open a jewelry-storc. When asked
what capital he had, he replied, IA crowbar."
GIRL in Wisconsin swallowed forty percus-
sion-caps. Her mother refrained from spanking
her for fear of an explosion.
SPRIGGINs Gays he once prevented q severe
case of hydrophobia by simply getting on high
fence and waiting until the dog left.
THE proprietor of n Boston bone-mill adver-
tses that 'persons sending their own bones to
be ground will be attended to with punctualty
and despatch"
Gentleman (to boatmen)-You must often,
should think get wet do you not?
Artless Bodtmdn-Yes, yer honor, we does,
VERY wet, VERY wet, indeed but I'm VERY
dry just now, yer honor, and no mistake.
ROBERT HALL did not lose his power of retort
even in madness. A hypocritical condoler with
his misfortunes once visited him in the mad
house, and said in a whining tone: "What
brought you here, Mr.. Hall ?" Hall signif-
cantly touched his brow with his finger, and
replied: 'What will never bring you sir; too
much brain"
"JAMEs James :" cried an authors wife, ~
have been calling you this half hour; and dinner
is getting quite cold" ooh is it? Well, you
know, l have just killed the cruel old uncle.
His property Of course, comes to his nephew,
Charles, and / am marrying MIN to Emily.
Keep the mutton hot till the ceremony is over,
there's dear"
WONDERFUL INvENTIoN-Every one has heard
of self-made men, but it may not perhaps be
equally well known that there are also "Ready-
made and Bespoke Tailors." Patterns can be
had on application.
THE LATEST QUoTATIoNs IN THE MATRI-
MoNIAL MARKET.-Marriages scarce and de-
pressed; engagements dull, and but few coming
forwards; courtships long and lingering; mercan-
tile business dull; scandal market overstocked
beaux, supplies light, stock inferior, and in good
demand; discarded lovers plenty, and stock accu-
mulatng tattling, good assortment.
Is NOT the happy frame of mind made of
couleur-de-rose-wOOd?
NEVER talk with your mouth full. If you talk
with bit in your mouth you must expect to be
hoarse.
AN ABSURD PRovERB.-Boys will be boys
live long enough.
GREAT EXCITEMENT.-In consequence of the
advertisement of book entitled "The Beggyn-
hof; or The City of the Single" the Series Edi-
tor has received countless letters from unmar-
ried ladies, begging of him to tell them where
this interesting city is and whether the single
who inhabit it are single gentlemen. His private
secretaries are busy night and day answering
these inquiries.
IMPERIAL IMPROvEMENT.-The latest bulletin
from Paris states that the Emperor is much
better. We have always thought there was
room for improvement in him.
WHY is the first person singular present tense,
indicative mood, of the verb "to be" like great
kingdom? Because it's Siam.
AGOoD NOTIoN.-There has always been a
little difficulty in English in distinguishing be-
tween ''story-a narrative of facts" and ''story
"A tissue of falsehoods." Suppose in the future
we always spell the latter "Stowe-ry."
A PLAIN ANswER.-An advertisement in a
contemporary commences thus, Can you iden-
tify your watch? Can you recognize your UNI
brella ?" We can identify the former, having a
good memory for faces. As to the latter, we
lent it friend some time ago and have never
had a chance of recognizing it since.
A MATTER OF COSsEQUESCE.-TO remove all
possible cause for the howl which has been
raised against vaccination, by all means revert
for vaccine lymph to the COW. That fluid, as
obtained from the arm, may not be what it was
in the time of Jenncr, having in three-quartcrs
of n century, very possibly degenerated.
PREss-TIGE Now don't all you journalists
speak at once But here's an opening:-
THE PRESS.-Wanted, an Editor, for small
country paper just commencing, will be required to
report and assist at case. Address, stating age,
terms, and qualifications, to Mr. -, etc.
The sort of editor required is one of compo-
sitc-or compositor-order. He will have to be
strong-minded enough to ''set-up" his own opin-
ions-to lead" On. b., not ''conduct'D his own
leader. lie must be able not only to manage an
editor-ship, but to look after the ''galleys. We
wish the small country paper may get him!
A PARIS journal has light touch, in speak
| ing of the elections, which seems to show that
the bitterness of feeling SO much remarked in
| Paris politics is not quite universal. In the
| rivalry of candidates to appear entirely sub
| servient to their constituents, one of them de-
! clares that he has just put night-bell at his
| door for the use of citizens who have votes
| A SELF-EvIDENT FACT.-Whatever else the
! Spaniards may want, they ought not to want
| food; for have they not Provisional Govern
| ment
THE AUcTIoNEERs MoTTo-Buy and buy.
| Is dogs whine intoxicating
! A NAP sACK-A pillow-case.
~ WILL have order!" shouted the captain of
a schooner to his refractory cook. ''If you
won't cook the dinner rll-do it myself. I will
have discipline on board of this ere vessel"
| "MY DEAR" asked a husband, on observing
new striped hose on his only heir, ''why have
you made barbcr-polcs OF our Ernests legs 2"
Because he's little shaver" was the reply.
SAID an astronomer to a bright-eyed girl,
when talking of rainbows:-"Did you ever see a
lunar bow, miss 2" II have seen beaur by moon
light, sir, if that's what you mean, was the sly
rejoinder.
A CHICAGO paper makes the following mar
riage announcement: ''Pride Stillman-Ga-
| lena, November 8. No cards. Presents, 5000.