The Plymouth Democrat. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1869-1941, 1869-11-25
Mark Twain i'm Hayti.

mAIth VAIN, vi tllc DuudlO ITpftSS, ID
interesting the readers of his newspaper
with series of papers upon the various
countries of the world, which he advcr-
tises as written jointly by himself and
Prof ID. X. Ford. The present is No. , of
the collection, and concerns the writer's
imaginary adventures in Hayti. Mr..
Twain observes casually that the Pro-
fessor is about to sail from San Francisco
to Japan, and, of course, could not run
back to visit IIayti; yet, us it was manifest
that lIayti ought to be visited at once, Mr.
Twain determined to grapple with the
duty single handed, and has, accordingly,
interviewed" the country. On landing
he entrusts the carriage of his valisc to
one Ot IAN enormous crowd of small negro
boys, who assail him for the purpose of
eXtOrting money for that service. He is,
however, unprepared for the demand,
made on his arrival at his hotel, of 5000,
and, as he pathetically observes himself,
faints on the spot. We remember that Mr.
Artemus Ward, another member of the
class of humOrists to which Mark Twain
belongs, used to have an exceedingly
amusing expression of "fainting in two
places" on such occasions. Mr. Twain, on
recoverin his emotion, hands a 81 900 note
to the urchin, whom he describes as E" de-
pending solely on his personal comeliness
| for attractiveness-he has nothing on but
a shirt" and who walks off cOOlly. MIR.
Twain intimates to the bystanders that he
has 800 change to receive, and demands
restitution, whereupon he is told that the
| people don't think much of triflc like
that in Hayti. He goes out tor a stroll,
and after meeting two or three bodies of
soldiers going off to a neighboring battle,
comes across a gentleman who announces
that he is proceeding to the top of hill in
..he n'.;ghhnrhood, to take good place for
another battle, which he feels sure will come
off thereabouts shortly. This native OBJ
serves that he will take it as considera-
BILE favor if Twain will sell him the field
glass which he carries over his shoulder
l said / did not care particularly to
part with it, but still, what would he give ?
He said
al am willing to pay $4,000"
"What?"
Forty thousand dollars"
"My friend, are you insane
! He took a package out of sort of KNAPP
sack which was slung about him, and de-
liberately counted out forty new and hand
some 1900 Haytien greenbacks Week
changed. felt small and mean thus to
take advantage Of lunatic, but then
what would you have done2 then re-
sumed my journey, with an unusually
sneaking expression in my countenance
However, Mr.. Twain speedily discovers
that the price has been by no means ex-
Orbitant, and that other articles arc
charged for by their pOssessors in an equal
ratio. He begins to imagine that his intel
lcct must be derangcd, and thus describes
his sensation:
Stunned and dizzy, hurried to my
room and threw myself on the bed, almost
satisfied that had lost my reason. ap
piled tests. repeated the multiplication
table without making mistake. 1t was
plain that my apprehension of numbers
was unimpaired. | repeated, The boy
stood on the burning deck without q
blunder. 1t was plain that my memory
was sound. | read one of Mrs. Brown
ing's poems and clearly understood some
of it. 1t was plain that my intellectual
faculties were in condition of even un
usual vigOr. Then what in the world wa:
the matter? Had not suddenly dcvcl
money, only?"
While he is engaged in these dismal re
; Elections, knock comes to his door, anC
a charming widow enters, who implore,
his assistance i'm most moving terms t.
enable her to return to America TIL,
insurgents had destroyed her property
and she was left destitute and in debt
The friendly captain of a schooner woult
give her tree passage, and all her trades
men were willing to forgive her thei
debts but two, the butcher and baker, t,
whom she owed but small sums. 1t wa
to pay these debts that she desired hell
from VI. L. He could not miss SO small
a sum, and the blessings of the widow
and orphan would be on him forever III
tells her, much touched, to pack her trunl
and he will furnish the means to pay OF
the trifle she owed. How much woul,
do it? Said the lady:
am not ccrtain--my poor head ha
been tortured of late-but | think tha
100000 will"
| jumped through the second story win
dow, sash and all.
More terrified concerning his sense
| than ever, he determines To leave forth
, with, and sends for his little bill. 1t an
pears. s-H
Mark Twain to Kingston House, DR..
: To room rent q pcrsonsl nsl.............. x3Gt
TO removing baggage To rooms. ms.......... n
TO uadesmens bills rs follows:
ouhChes oananas. ...-.................. S2.1t
~ ~ 1nnen pine apples: .: 30
boxes gare. ~ IN
baskcts claret. Observation-Disclosures. 22Ot
+; oasketS champagne. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. SS,Ot
4 uonch icHons ~