The Union and journal. [volume] (Biddeford, Me.) 1858-1882, 1869-02-19

slnglc flea bachelor.

A single hle-a bachelor.
Acheap prescnt-giving the lie.
Cast no dirt into the well that has given you
water when you were thirsty.
Tables arc always being turned overtime
tables.
Something you're always coming TO blows Win
your nose.
why IL n man in rage like hard baked PIE
Because he Is crusty.
Why do 90 many people In China travel on
footp Because there 10 only one Cochin China'
A pleasant family In New Hampshire contains
sixteen cases Of whooping cough Just now
Aki.., says French lady, costs less anu graf
lies more than anything else In existence
p.bie. are the coupons attached to the bonds
ofmatrimony. The interest IL due at random.
why would Venus descending nom Olympus
he like liberal husbandl because she would
come down handsome.
Why are base ball matches like the backs OF
cheap chairs' Because they are liked 70 come
on.
why would man rather lose his hand than
his footr Because In losing his foot he loses some
thing TO boot.
There are many who contend that Satan Is only
nm artful woman with pretty face and sweet
tongue. "Oniy"-enough, we should say.
"shingle weddings" have been started in Indi.
ana, to be given by newly married couples when
they have lived together happily for one year.
They are not Of frequent occurrence.
Cory oyLanus thinks that the Mexicans ought
10 attain perfection In riding the velocipede, for
the more revolutions you make the faster you
40.
A gentleman, unaccustomed to public speaking,
becoming embarrassed, whispered TO his friend,
"Quicki quiekt giye-giye me worT-upon
whi-h the other replied, eyes, yes; what word do
you wantr
.There,s our Jeremiah" said Mr. shelton; che
went OF 10 make his living by his wits."-"Weli'
did he succeed - inquired his friend. "No,' said
the old man, with sigh, and significantly tap
ping his head; che failed for want OF capital.
John Philip Kemble, while performing one eve.
ming, was interrupted by baby crying, and In
nervous excitement came forth To the footiights,
and said, Ladies and gentlemen, u the tragedy
does not stop, the baby cant 20 on"
Weeds are Gods policemen. They make lazy
farmers cultivate the soil, which without them
never would be stirred, and consequently never
produce crop. good farmer hoes often, weeds
or no weeds, but a slack fellow never uses the
hoe ifhe can find any excuse To avoid IL.
"John, John shouted an old gentleman to his
son, "gct up; the day Is breaking" "Nery well,'
said John, "let II break, IL owes Us nothing" In
tervai Of twenty minutes. "John, John; here
the sun Is up before yoa." every WELL" said
John; che has further to 30 than we have"
A man entered n furniture store and said;
"IIaye You any old furniture ?" "So, SIR; but We
can make you some. was the answer. This re-
minds one OF the Englishman In n restaurant who
called for stale bread. ave have none, my lord
"NIake some, then-lw will walt"
. Paris paper gives a conversation between
father and his little daughter, "what have you
lone with your dollY' 81 have put Il away, to
Keen for nv children. when grow up" "But II
You shouldn't have any ~ "Ahi weiii then u VIII
do FOR my grandchildren"
Conjugal solcitude Is said to have been Illus
trated AS follows on q train during chilly night:
"My dear" said the husband TO the wife, "are
Won comfortable In the corner thereP "Ohi very
snug, "ponr YOU feel cold ~ "Not in the least
"Does your window close tightT "Yes, very,
thank you.r "wcll, come let us swap seatsP
A minister In the north Of Scotland returning
thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for the excel
lent harvest, began, as usual: 80 Lord, we thank
thee, etc., and went on To mention Its abundance
and IT. safe ingathering; but, feeling anxious 10
be quite candid and serupuiously truthful added,
"An except few fields between this and stone
haven, not worth mentioning"
Two friends met the other day In the street.
"What shvcNin- bsd hat YOU weari" exclaimed
one of them. "My dear friend, I wear u otiy 10
cause Hove my own liberty" "But what on
earth has your liberty 10 do with the hatF' "oh,
great deal. Ny wife has sworn she would never
walk out with me as long as should wear such
hati'
"ir you want purely unsophistieated family
nil, saws a quack advertisement, "buy Dr. us
iiver.encoursglpg, kidney.persuading, silent per
ambuiators, twenty.seven In a box. This pill Is
a- mild n. pet lamb, and rs searching asa small
tooth comb. II don't 80 fcollng about, but at
tends strictly 10 business. and Is n certain rs an
Alarm.clock'
Two very gallant "sons OF Erin" being just
discharged nom service, were rejoicing over the
event with ''wec taste OF the cratur," when one,
who felt all the glory Of his own noble race, sud-
denly raised bis pot above his head. and said,
"Arrah Mike, here's to the gallant ould 6oth-the
last In the field, and the first tn leave it"-"Tut,
tut. man," said Mike; eye don't name that. You
name" said Mike, and he raised his glass high,
and looked lovingly at IL, "here's to the gallant
cah, equal to monet" And so they drank.