Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-05-21
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BEN, did you ever see catfish? No, bat
I've seen a rope-walk.
A GAY Mormon in Williamsburg, n. Y,
aged 68, sports eleven wives.
WHT is the inside Of everything unintellgi
bic? Because we can't make it out
d NolsY carpet bag on a London train was
found to contain a lively infant.
AT the first opening of the county court at
White Pine, $50 lawyers we're on hand.
Az old bachelor editor says: Lovers, ike
armies, get along well enough till engaged.
The man who ate his dinner with the FORK
ofa river has been trying to spin a mountain
top.
/ Wars in a name A Kentuckian by the
mama ofSiamps has an income Of only $50 TO
show for it,
IT has been said 4at it must be easy to
break into an old man S house, because his
gait is broken and his locks are few.
II THINK now see new feature in this
case, y as the lawyer said when his client in
formed him that be had plenty Of money.
| A coNYEcroxER of Bath. has brought his
business to such perfection, that he is now
offering to the public his candid opinion.
An American lecturer of note solemnly
said, one evening; parents you may have
children, or if not, your daughters may kave. -
GREAT talents render a man famous, great
merit procares respect, great learning esteem,
but good breeding alone ensures enduring at
lection.
IS a recent ride, an eastern editor discov-
cred the following upon a gatepost; "Fursai
a . story cows pen. The oner Xpex tn Go >
calleftorney'
/ Prentice asks: Why don't certain mer-
chants advertise? Because they sell nothing.
Why do they sell nothing? Because they
don't advertise.
WY are ladies' Ike watches? Because
/ they have beautiful faces, delicate hands, are
more admired when full ieweled, and need
regulating very often.
Do you think that raw oysters are
healthy? asked lady of her physician.
''Yes," he replied, u never knew one to
complain Of being out ofhealth in my life.
The dentists Of the United States have been
holding a convention, for The purpose, as the
chairman said, Of devising some means where
by they can pull together.
How IS coal now?1 inquired gentleman
ola son Of the Emerald Isle who was dump
ing load of coal in Fulton street. "Black
as iver. sir, be iabers,' responded Pat.
'.WHERE shall put this paper so as to be
sure Of seeing it tomorrow" Inquired Ma
ry Jane Of her brother Charles. Son the
looking glass, was her brothers. reply.
A CLEVELAND newspaper recently adyer.
tssd that it would send copy free to any
person sending f'club often A young lady
in the country sent it the ten spot of clubs.
AFEER Henry, love, I wish
you would throw away that book and talk to
me, feel so dull "A long pause and no
reply "Henry, dear, my foots asleep"
''It is Well, don ttalk; you might wake it
up
The times are hard, wife, and I find it
difficult TO keep my nose above water"
''You could easily keep your nose above
water, husband if you didn' keep It so often
above brandy
THERE are many more people anxious to
go into Office than ever there were to 60 into
the army. No drafting for Office, though a
great many will no doubt be left in the
draught before they get one.
A YOUNG gentleman with an inquiriDg mind
wishes TO be enlightened on the following-
''If brooks are, as the poets call them, the
most Joyous things in nature, what are they
always murmuring about?
HERE is bachelors autographed epi-
taph -
tAt three score winter end l died,
A cheerless being, sole and sad
The nuptial knot | never tied,
And wish my father never had. -
boy, did you let off that gun ?'' exclaim.
ed an enraged schoolmaster.
''Yes, sir
well, what do you think will do to you?''
"Wby, let me off. !"
A PUBlc lecturer, who had never known
just what his wife thought OF his talents, one
day informed her that he was to lecture in
Boston. In Boston = she exclaimed
II N so glad for ! always did hate those Bos-
tonians
''DocroR,," said hard Hooking customer
the other day to a physician. 'Doctor I'm
troubled with a deprezson-an uneasiness
about the breast. What do you suppose the
matter is ?''
'All very easily accounted for" said the
physician ''you have water en- the chest"
Water Come, that will do well enough
for joke but how could I get water on the
chest when haven't touched drop for ff
teen years ?''
Old BoDGER was visiting a friend who had
a remarkably fine little girl, three years old,
famous for her smart sayings As usual, she
was showing off before our esteemed friend
"What is papa2" said the parent, in order
to draw out the precious reply.
'Papa's a humbug, said the child
Il declare, said old Roger, 81 never in
my life saw so young child with so mature
Judgment
A SCULPTOR, who was engaged to carve a
monument and select an epitaph for deceas-
ed manufacturer of FIRE works, seeing the in
scription on the tombstone OF a celebrated
musician-''He has gone to the place where
only his harmony can be exceeded"
thinking it was a very neat thing, be adapted
+ it to his purpose by changing one word, and
carved on the mouument-''He has gone to