The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-06-24
Wit and Htsneor.

ri Mt and Hlt77lO7'.
How to make clean swcep-WaM him.
A Blunder- Kissing the wrong girl.
An Object Of Interest Scycn-I h rites
High Words Conversation on Mont Blanc.
What is everybody doing at the same time
Growing old. s ~ 80 sfsi
Words that burn-Rcjectcd communica-
tions. 1s4 FL. il
The most stcadfast follower of our fortunes
Our creditors. .teal
Loves young dream often turns out to be
the nightmare. a
Where suspicion finds one fault it creates
twenty.
Dangerous associates Those who dress to
kill. F5s.s
The life -preservers oftenest used on the
battle feld-legs.
When was the most Beef Tea made -
When Henry the Eighth dissolved the Pope's
Bull ~
You are quite welcome, as the empty purse
said to the grcenback. .i
:" It is we'll, as the man said who suddenly
found himself where the water bucket usually
goes.
Why do lrishmen resemble the waves of
the Atlantic! Because they never cease la
vim the shores Of the " old country"
Why are women extravagant in clothes
Because when they buy new dress they wear
it out the first day.
An Irishman, writing sketch of his life,
says ne carly ran away from his father, be-
cause he discovered he was only his uncle.
A little boy, disputing with his sister re-
Gently, exclaimed, g It's true, for ma says so;
and If ma says SO, it is SO, if it amt So
A man having cautioned the public not to
trust his wife on account, the spirited woman
replies, also G to the public that she does
not know in the wide, wide world, any one who
would trust him with ten dollars.
An Irishman's dcfnition of metaphysics -
"Two mon talking together, and one of them
is trying to explain something he don't know
anything about, and the other can't under
stand him."
A woman is like ivy-the more you are
ruined the closer she clings to you. A vile
bachelor adds: "Iyy is like woman-the more
1t cllngs to you the more you are ruined."-
Poor rule that won't work both ways
Mr.. Mullins, of Tennessee, says one Of the
Arkansas carpet-baggers, out of whom anoth-
or carpet Dagger let the life C He sank to
death IN the soliloquy Of his own blood we
shall view him no more till the chaotic torch
OF Gabriei wakes to living consciousness the
universal dome, and we shall see ourselves as
others see us in that bourne whence no tray
eer returns"
The lawyer who filed bill, shaved note.
cut an acquaintance, split hair, made an en-
try, got up a case, framed an Indictment, i'm
pannelled jury, put them into a box, nail
cd awltncss, hammered judge, and bored
whole court. all in one day, has since laid
down the law and turned boss-carpenter
among the jack legs In this vicinity
Trinity College (Dublin) man was talk
ing the other day upon the small value attach /
ed to life by uncivilized nations. Somebody
remarked that in China, if man were con
demncd to death he could easily hire a sub |
stlsute to die for him. ssAh, ycs,' said T. C.
D., 81 believe many poor fellows get their
living by being substitutes that way.''
A very curious mode of trying the title of !
land is practised in Hindostan. Two holes
are dug in the disputed spot, in each Of which
the plaintiff S and defendants lawyers put one
OF their legs. and remain there until one of I
them is tired, in which case his client is de-
leated. In this country it is the client and
not the lawyer, who puts his foot IN 1t.
Jamie was sitting &, in the front gallery wide
awake, when many were slumbering around
him. The clergyman endeayored to awaken
the attention Of his hearers by stating the
fact, sayin', you see even Jamie Fraser.
the idiot, does not fall asleep, as so MANY of
you arc doing" Jamie, not liking to be thus
designated, cooly replied, can hadna been
an idiot, wad ha' been sleepin' too"
What's that /? asked. Mrs. Partington, look
ing up at the column ofthe Place Vendome
during her late visit to Paris "The pillar of
Napoleon" she was answered "Well, new
or did, she exclaimed and that's his pillow
he was great man to use that But it's
more like bolster. And it's made of iron. T
do believe. All Isaac, see what it is to be
great How hard his head must have rested
on his ironical pillow"
A German baker found himself under the
necessity of chastising his son for pilfering.
The boy being rather strong was able to resist
successfully. Thcreupon the parent hired an
assistant and administered the fagellation
with hoop-pole. When the boy cried for I
quarter, the philosophic baker granted it, t
saying, Il youst don't lick no more for shteal-
lit mine money, but geefs dis man half
lo'llr to holt you dowen, und now 1 geefs you d
d much worth moro" a