The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1869-03-20
Th, Josh Billings Papers.
SPRING AMP BILEs.

Snr;ra came this year as mutch as
npi hail butuous virgin, 5000 years
old and upwards, hale and harty old
0oi welcum tew York State and parts
adjacent! .,,,s
Now the birds jaw, now the cattss
boller, now the pigs skrsam, now the
geese warble, now the kats sigh, and
natur is frisky; the earnest pissmire'
the virtuous bedbug, and no0by COCK,
roach, are signing Yankee Dooale' ano
coming thru the rhi." Now may De
seen the musketeer, that gray outlined
critter ov destiny, solitary and alone,
examining his last years bill, and now
NAV be heard, with the naked ear, the
sbanghigh bawling in the barDyard.
Kittens iu the doorway, and klppies
on the green, neighbor chats WIN
neighbor, and the languid urchln creeps
listless toward the school. These tblngs
are all fust rate in their place, but
Spring brings pesky biLes, and plants
them carelessly, sometimes among the
maidenls charms, and somssir9es a1a9EE
the young mems. I Kan tork Ike a
preacher poet about biles just now, for
hev one in full bloom growing on me,
almost reddy to pick, az big az an egg
plant, aud az full ov anguish az a bro
ken heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their
size on reckOrd, and az kross tew the
touch az q setting hen, or dog with q
fresh bone. Biles alwas pick out the
handyest place on you're boldly TO bid
their nest, and if you undertake to
brake them up, it only makes them mad
and takes them longer to hatch out.
There aiut no sutch thing az coaxiDg,
nor driving them away. They are like
an impudent bed bug, they won't move,
till they hav got their fill.
Biles are az old az religion. Job, the
profit, waz the fust champion ov biles,
and hs is currently reported tew hsv
more biles, and more pashunce, to the
square inch, than emmy one, two very
rare things to be found, in emmy man.
Biles are very sassy; sumtimes when
Yer 60 to set down they will get be-
tween yer and the chair; that il one ev-
idence of their i'll breeding, and l had
one once plant herself on the front end
ov mi noze, which waz most remarka.
BILE piece Ov bad manners, for there iz
no room on mi nose ennywhare for a
bile, for when it is even ebb tide with
my noZe, it covers half ov mi face. Biles
are sed tew be helthy, and / guess they
am, for hev seen sum helthy old biles,
as big az hornets nest and as full ov
stings / always wantlto be healthy-I
am willin tew pay the highest market
price for a good deal ov helthy-but if
had to have 2 biles on me, awl the
time, in order to be helthy, / should
think that was bulling the market.
There iz one more smart thing about
biles; they are like twins; they hardly
ever kun singly, and hav known them
to throw double skies.
What twelve biles on one man at a
time? This is wus than fighting bum
BILE bees with your summer clothes on.
Biles are sed, by the educated and
correct spoilers OF the land, to be an
operashun of nacher to get rid of sum-
thing wich she wants to spare. This is
so, without doubt, but it don't strike
me as being q very polite thing in ma
cher to shuv oph her bile onto other
folks. say, let everybody take care of
their own biles,
But say all yer kan about biles, call
them all the mean names current
amung fishmungers, revile, persecute,
aud spit on them, groan, grin, and
swear when they visit yer, hit them
over the head, aud set on them if yer
please, there il a time in their career
when tha konsentrate aul the pathos
ov Joy that a man has on hand to spare,
and that iz-when they bust
This il bliss, glory and revenge on the
half-shell. A man leans back in recti-
fed comfort, az innercent and az timber
az a mermaid. This pays for the fretful
nights and nervous daze while the bile
has been Matching; this shows us what
it il tn grin and bear it-this shows
what it il to be billed and rung out, and
hung up to dry. This is the calm after
the storm; the wedding day of patience
and Joy; this IL the christening of
hope, the mistick hen that lays eggs q
day; this il butter on your sassiges.
Exit biles.