Norfolk day book. [volume] (Norfolk and Portsmouth Va.) 1868-1880, 1869-09-02
The Josh Billings Papers.
THE RAocooN AND THE PETTIFoGaER

The Raccoop IL resident ov the
United States ov America; he emigrated
tew this country soon after its discovery
by Columbus, without a cent, and
nothing but hiz claws tew get a living
with.
He IL one ov them kind ov persons
whoze hide IL worth more than all the
rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber,
and cultivates the corntields and ma
bring garden sass Tor sustenance, aud
understands his bizness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and
three children, who live with him On
the inside ov tree.
He can alwus be found at home du-
ring the day, reddy few receive calls,
but his nights are devoted tew looking
after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft lur, and hiz tail +,
which IL round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material
that the tail il, and are worn upon all
occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up
into hard not, and lays down by his
tireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and
goes out tew see how the chickens hav
wintered.
His life il az free from labor az a
new penny, and if it wasn't for the
dogs and the rest ov mankind, the
raekcoon would find what everybody
else has lost-heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men
skin him, and what thare is left ov him
amt worth cuss.
He ia not natral vagabond like the
hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to
be civilized and liv among folks; but
he haz one vice that the smartest mis-
sionary on earth kant redeem, and that
il the art ov steeling.
He il reckoned only tew the crow in
petit larceny, and will steal what he
kant eat, nor hide.
He will over a barrel ov apple sass
lust for the fun ov mauling the sass
with his feet, and will pull out the
plug out ov the moilassis, not be kause
he iuvs sugar emmy better than de duz
yung duck, hut jist tew see if the mol
lassis haa got good daub tewit.
/ hav studded animal deviltry for Is
wears bekause the more deviltry in an
animal, the more human he il.
can't find, by sarching the passen-
ger list, that Noah had coon ON board
but I am willing tew bet 10 pound ov
mutton sassage, that mister coon and
biz wife committed by stealing ride.
never knu rackcoon tew want
snnything long, that he could steal
quick.
Ennyboddy, who haz ever looked a
coon right square in the face will bet
VII dollar that he IL dead beat, or
under five hundred dollar bonds rot
few 20 into the bizzness for the next
ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozen
they are az eazy tew tame az a child If
WI take them yung enuff, but kant
advise ennyboddy to cultivate coons,
they want az mulch looking after az a
blind mule on a towpath, and thar amt
emmy more profit in them than thar il
in a stock dividend on the Erie Rail-
road
never waz out ov a pet animal since
kan remember, till now, but hav
gone out ov the trade forever; lately !
discovered that il waz good deal like
making whissel out ov kats tale,
running comfortable tale, and reaping
kursid mean whisse!.
Rackcoons liv tew be 66 years old, if
they miss the society ov men and dogs
enutf. but thare amt but few ov them
die ov old age; the northwestern fur
company are the crate undertakers OF
the coon family.
feel sorry for coons, for with triffe
more brains they would make respecta-
BILE pettifoggers before a justis ov the
peace, but even this would not save
them from final perdishun.
Natnr don't make emmy mistakes at
TOR all; she hits the bull right in the eye
every time, when she wants rackcoon
with rings on his tale, she makes him,
aud when she wants pettifogger, she
knows how few make him, without
splicing good coon.
Pettifoggers, no doubt, have DIES.
tiny tew 6Il, and they may enable a
justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day,
tew know good deal less ov the law
than he otherwise would; still, for all
this, if waz obliged tew pray for one
or the other, think now should say,
Give us little more cocn, and a good
deal less pettifogger. =.
If the Rackcoon would only Civ his
whole attenshun tew politicks, thar
amt but few could beat him, he is at
home on the stump, and menny on US,
old eoons, kan rekolekt how, in 1851,
with nothing but hard cider diet, ne
- aauninu from, tia nth To the