Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-07-20
Registered and V0ted 4!
he Foot Guards-Boots and shoes.

Registered ana V0te0
The Foot Guards-Boots and shoes
An Irish servant girl applied to druggist
for six cents worth of the 'glory of rhyme. .
She had been sent for chloride OF lime!
Gen. Candy has met his match. He will
hardly set aside the Virginia election, for the
coo populi is about as powerful as can be-
swell, Robert, how much did your little pig
weigh?' sit didn't weigh as much as | ex
pected, and l always thought it wouldn't"
''Poor Mr. Smith has fallen down dead of
apopiexy," said gentleman on election day.
Had he voted?' eagerly inquired a leader of
ten.
A country correspondent informs US that
spiritualism has reached the provinces, for on
ly the other day he saw cheese press running
aWhey.
Although the Old Dominion is not an oil
country. large majority of the people have
just achieved splendid success in sinking
Wells.
A correspondent asks "What is the century
plant?' We hardly know, but presume it is
something planted when man is hundred
years old
The dressma5ers Of Troy are about to
StElhC, says al SACudtSS. " OHuCI IL ~ ID
with their needles. IF so the public will see
the point.
A member of a temperance society excused
his frequent drinks by saying that the doctor
told him to take liquor as a medicine and he
never told him to stop.
A lady asked Mr.. Jekyll what was 1.-THE diff
ference between solicitor and an Attorney
Precisely the same" he answered, ''as be-
tTunao n crocodila and an allIpatOr ~
A poor fellow, rescued half drowned, from
the river, was asked to take some spirits and
water. mo, thank you replied he; Il
have had water enough already. I'll take the
spirits alone.
First Young Man of the Day-'Why Ar
ry!" 'ow is it you don't let yer moustache
did for week or so, but [ found it took away
all the play and expression of my mouth y
SPOKEN folks in Virginia just
y pride themselves on their fine address. On
Tuesday they proved themselves a Wells-po-
kin people by effectually pokin' the breath po-
litical out of Wells gubernatorial carcass.
Michael Kelley, the once popular singer and
composer, was in business in the Haymarket as
q wine merchant and wrote over his door, m.
Kelley. Composer of Music, and Importer of
Wine" Sheridan suggested the following al
teration: Michael Kelley, Importer of Music
and Composer of Wine; for, said the wit,
none Of his music is original aud all his wine
is, since he makes it himself"
''I shall tell how it was [ put mine hand
Oh mine head and there was Won pain. Then
] put mine hand on mine body, and there vas
anodor. There vas very much pains in all mine
body. Then put mine hand in mine pocket
and thare vas nothing. So jned mid de tenn
perance Now there is no more pain in mine
head, the pain in mine body vas all gone away,
| put mine hand in mine pocket, and there vas
twenty dollars. So [ stay mid de temperance.
doctor, what do you think is the matter
with my little boy?"
''Why, it's only oorrustifed exegesis anti.
spasmodlcaly emanating from the germ Of the
animal refrigerator producing prolific source
OF irrltablllty In the pericranial epidermis Of
the mental profundity."
''Ah! that's what told Betsy, but she low
ed it was wurrums."
As the bathing season has commenced, and
persons are liable to drowning several times this
Summer, the following hints will tell how to
bring him to:
If the drowning person be a politician, whis-
per in his ear that he has just been appointed
to fat office.
Ii married woman, softly tell her that her
husband is just cutting it fat with that woman
she hates.
IF it be a young man, tell him conGdentially
that another fellow is after his sweetheart.
If a married man, slyly tell him that hand
some young lady called yesterday, and is to call
again to-day at his otlee on Important private
business
# he is carpet-bagger- him drown.
A MODEL OBITUARY.. Bangs, we are
sorry to say, has deceased, and Western
obituary thus pays tribute to his memorv
s-Jem was generally considered good fellow
He went forth without struggle, and such is
LIE. To-day We are as pepper grass-mightv
Smart-to morrow We are cut down like cow
cumbers to the ground. Jem kept q nice store.
which his wife now waits on His. wercheWs
we're numerous TO behold. Many is the things
lhat We bought at bis grocery, and We are han
py TO state to the admlriDg world that he never
cheated, especially in the weight of mackeraI
which was nice and smelled sweet. His surviy,
ING vile was the same way. We never knew
him to put sand in sugar, though he had b;a
sand bar IN front Of his house. nor water HE Il
quors, though the Ohio river runs mast HE
DOOR Peace to his remains He leaves wife
cnidren, cow, grocery store and other
quadrupeds." ''i''
GROWS ON THE Corn OUEsTfoN-A b;roa
man on farm In Baltimore county was detail.
ed to keep watch on the corn-6eld and not lat
the black marauders invade the premises w. h lot
like many other men in similar situation
tried to plan method whereby so much labor
would not have to be performed; so he hit
upon the plan of soaking some corn in whisky
and placing it in the field SO that the crows
would surely eat it and get drunk and then he
thought he would have a sure thing On them.
and could Kill them easily. He tried 70 shoot
them with shot gun, but crows can smell now-
der long way After soaking some corn owe over
night he put a bountiful supply in tIe fe Ii
next morning, and in about two or three bonrs
he went out to see how things were proeressinr
and mark you what follows. One oft6e crows
little larger than the rest, had gathered M
and taken possession of almost all the corn and
had built himself bar out OF clods of earth
ana was retailing the whisky-soaked corn to the |
other crows, charging them three grains Of