The States and Union. [volume] (Ashland, Ohio) 1868-1872, 1869-08-25
MY FIRST AND LAST DUEL.
By JUDGE CLARK.

MI FtnSt AMI LAS D0ELs
BY JUDGE CLARK. .....
It Is full quarter of a century since
L, Robert Parker, A, B., having grad
riated with distinction at the Univer-
sity of Smatterton, set out in search of
fame and fortune-I was going to say
but the former I already had. Ihad
stood at the head of my class, had re-
ceived honorable mention" from the
President, and my Commencement
speech" had been iatts1ngly noticed
in the Smatterton Advertiser.
On entering the world 1 was a lit
tie surprised to find that my fame had
not, to any considerable extent, pre-
ceded me. People to whom 1 intro
duced myself didn't seem particularly
awe-struck. My diploma being in a
dead language, was of no living use.
Nowhere could 1 hear of such thing
as frst-class graduate wanted. l
had begun to think that talent was
the least appreciated, and learning the
least merchantable of commodities,
when at last an opening offered.
There was n vacancy in the editorial
chair of the Snaptown Chronicle, a post
whose pecuniary emoluments were not
such as to invite any very serious COM
petition among applicants. In short,
being the only candidate for the place,
[ succeeded in getting it-on what
terms, l would rather not tell.
-, ".
opposition editor and myself were soon
at it like couple of fish-wives. From
the "retort courteous" and "quip mod
est" to the 'tlie circumstantiaP' and
''lie direct" the graduation was easy
and natural.
Our opponents nominated Col.
Goober for Congress, a gentleman
whom 1 had never seen, but whom l
felt none the less in duty bound to
abuse to the best of my ability.
The Colonel was young man, a
little vain, good deal sophomore,
and who had been afflicted with poet
ry. He had fallen early, but unsuc-
cessfully in love, and, while in that
state, had given vent to his feelings in
"a woful ballad" in common metre,
which made Its appearance in the first
and last number of an unfortunate pc
riodical, long since goe c to its account
with all its imperfections on its head
sncercd at the ColonePs age, or
rather youth lampooncd his speeches;
made fun of his grammar; turned his
name into q common noun by begin
ming it with little g; alluded to him
as the 'fgifted CC and honorable CD
gentleman (?) from Raccoon Fork :"
accused him of taking a clandestine
drink out of Deacon Tod's ticker, sur
repttiously extracted from the pocket
of its owner, while in the act of pc
rorating one of hts grandest temper
ance philippics-''a crime" we made
bold to say, (which combined the worst
elements of larceny and sacrilege, un-
relieved by the virtues of either"
All this, and much more, the Colo
mel bore manfully, contenting himself
with an occasional fling from the stump
at "that contemplate seven by nine
sheet, the Snaptown Chronicle, and the
miserable simpleton who was fool
enough to waste his time scribbling
for its columns on an empty stomach,
when he might be enjoying a COM
parative affluence in the county poor
house."
But I found the ColonePs tender
spot at last. A copy of his "Verses
to x 4 X" by accident fell into
my hands, and didn't 1 make use of
them? The leader of the weeks Gtron-
icle entitled LITERARY REMAINS Ex-
nUMED FROM THE RUINS OF AN Ex-
FLOODED MAGAZINE" but for the mat
ter of it, would have reminded you of
an old-fashioned minister's method of
lining out and expounding psalm.
The whole piece was reproduced i'll
couplets, interspersed with comments,
in which the arts of Typography, in
Guiding italic characters, large and
small caps, and exclamation points in
parenthesis, were completely exhaust
ed.
This brought matters to a crisis
The Colonel could stand anything but
being twitted about that poetry. 1t
was a sore subject. 1t had been uli-
versally laughed at when it first ap-
peared, and by none more unmerci-
fully than the lady to whom it was ad-
dressed, in whose mind all serious
thoughts in connection with the unfor-
tunate bard had been forever dispelled.
The revival of this ancient ridicule
was the last straw on the back of the
Coloncls patience. The result was a
peremptorysdemand of .'that satisfac-
tion which is recognized among gentle
men," coupled with a request that l
should name friend to confer with
the bearer on such preliminary mat
ters as it might be necessary to arrange.
l tried to laugh it off, but ''the
bearer" was infexible. Editors, he
said, were at liberty to say what they
pleased of each other but when it
came to traducing respectable citizens,
and holding them up to ridicule. the