Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1869-04-01
The Josh Billings Papers.
SPRING AND BrLEs.

Spring came this year as mutch as usual
hail butuous virgin, 5000 years old and up
wards hale and harty old gal, welcum tew
York State and parts adjacent
Now the birds jaw, now the cattle boiler,
now the pigs skrcam, now the geese warble'
now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky; the
earnest pissmire, the virtuous bedbug. and
nobby cockroach, are signing Yankee Doodle,
and looming thru the rbi.' Now may be
seen the musketeer, that gray outlined critter
ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his
last years bill, and now be may heard, with the
naked ear, the shanghigh bawling in the barn
yard,
Kittens in the doorway, and puppies on the
green. neighbor chats with neighbor, and the
lansuid urchin creeps listless toward the school.
These things are all fust rate in their place,
but Spring brings pesky Jiles, and plants them
careessly, sometimes among the maidens
charms, and sometimes among the young mems.
| kan tork like preacher poet about biles just
now, for hav one in full bloom growing on
me almost ready to pick, az big az an eggplant,
and az full ov anguish az broken heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their size on
reckord. and az kross tew the touch az set
ting hen. or dog with a fresh bone. Biles
alwas pick out the handyest place on you're
boldly to bid their nest, and if you undertake
to brake them up, it only makes them mad
and takes them longer to hatch out There
aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving
them away. They are like an impudent bed
bug, they won't move, till they hay got their
fll.
Biles are az old az religion. job, the profit,
waz the fust champion ov biles, aud be is cur
rently reported tew hav more bilcs. and more
paschuncc, to the square inch, than emmy one
two very rare things to be found, in emmy man
4 BHes ore vory sassy: sumtimes when yer g
to set down they will get between yer and the
chair that IL one evidence of their i'll breeding
and | had one once plant herself on the front
/ end ov mi nose, which waz a most remarkable
piece ov bad manners, for there IL no room on
mi nose ennywhsre for bile, for when it IL
even ebb tide with my noze, it covers half ov
mi face. Biles are sell tew be healthy. and
guess they am, for hev seen sum helthy old
biles. as big az a hornets nest and az full oV
stings. always want to he healthy-I an
willin tew pay the highest market price for d
good deal ov hclthy-butif if had to have
biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy
I should think that was bulling the market
There il one more smart thing about bies
thev are like twins they hardly ever kun
sinnly, and | hav known them to throw double
skies.
What twelve biles on one man at time
This is WIS than fighting humble bees will
your summer clothes on.
Bfes are sed, by the educated and correc
spoilers of the land, to be an operasbun OF ma
cher to get rid Of sumthing wich she wants t.
spare. This is so, without doubt, but it don
strike me as being very polite thing in nachet
to shuv opb her bile into other folks say
let everybody take care Of their own biles.
But say all yer kan about biles, call then
all the mean names current amung fshmun
gers, reyile, persecute, and spit on them, groan
grin. an swear when they visit yer, hit then
over the head, and set on them if yer please
there il time in their career when tina kon
sentrate aul the pathos ov Joy that man hs
on hand to spare, and that iz-wben the,
bust
This IL bliss, glory and revenge on the half
she'll. A man leans back 10 rectifed comfort
az innercent and az timber az mermaid
This pays for the fretful nights and nervou
daze while the bile has been Matching; TIN
shows us what it IL tu grin and bear it--thi
shows what it IL to be billed and runs out, sn'
hung up to dry. This is the calm after tn
storm; the wedding day Of patience aud JOY
this il the christening Of hope, the mistick hei
that lays 2 eggs a day; this IL butter on you
sassiges.
Exit biles.