The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1869-07-24
BuDget of Fun.

It was not such bad notion on the part of
glover who hung up in his shop window tn
following placard: TEN thousand hands want
ed Immediately"
An acute observer has discovered that the Gre
clan bend is not INDUCED in by ladies in straight.
ened circumstances.
Which is the most profitable businessP Shoe
making; because every pair of shoes is soled be-
fore it is finished
A bore, meeting Douglas Jerrold, said: "Wel,
what's going on to-day?" II am," exclaimed
Jerrold. dsrting past the inquirer.
Two organ-grinders dispute for precedence at
the Postof6ce corner:
How happy should we be with either.
We're tother dear chsrmer away.
When does the rain become too familiar to a
ladyr When it begins to pat her (patter) on
tho back.
What ancient sage was the inventor of dane.
cing3 Play-toe.
Bright prospects for the Quakers-the Indians
are securing the plains.
A boy having complained to his father that
Bill had thrown the bible At him, and hurt him
on the head, the father replied: "Well you are
the only member of my family on whom the
bible ever made the least impression"
The many accidents among children with
swings shows that it is an amusement that has
its dangers but the most dangerous swing to
men is the gallows. People don't generally try
it but once.
A sharper having thrust his hand in his neigh.
boris pocket was struggling to justify himself by
excuses, explanations, and impossible subter-
fuges. "Why lie SO much Z" said the judge to
him, with vehemence "Have you no lawyer !"
By really inspiring genius, a man in Ken
kv haaf a 70 md na m
NIT suicide. He strings several grains Of corn
on horse hair, which, when swallowed, causes
q tickling sensation in the crows throat. In his
efforts to get it up, the crow invariably scratches
his head off.
A doctor being asked by his patient why he
put SO many ingredients into his prescriptions,
Is said to have answered, more facetiously than
philosophically "In order that the disease may
take which medicine it likes the best"
An offended woman, not having special invi-
tation to the funeral Of near neighbor, sent the
following note to the mourners II think l
have been slighted in being omitted from your
list of invitations. We shall probably have q
funeral at our house one Of these days, and we
won't invite yeu."
The attendant of Matthews, in his last illness
intended TO give his patient some medicine; but
few moments afterwards it was discovered that
the medicine was nothing but ink, which had
been taken from the vial by mistake, and his
friend exclaimed: ''Good heavens, Matthews,
have given you ink!" "Never-never mind, my
boy, never mind" said Matthew, family; I'm
swallow bit Of blotting paper"
The editor OF the Wsoonsis Banner is brag.
ging Of his Titles He says, ''Weduesday's mail
brought TO us letter addressed "Rev.," another
"Hon-," another .'Col.," one "Mr.," and the last
SEQ" On the way TO dinner we accidentally
stepped on a woman's trail, and she addressed Us
thus: "You brute
wording once visited, in his illness,
by well-meaning but doiorous clergyman, who
disfgured his cOuntenance and wore face of
perpetual mourning As his sad visage appeared
in the doorway, the sick man started up and exc
claimed: "Why, what ia the matter with you
You look as If your religion didn't agree with
ysul"
Rev. Moses Clampit, an eccentric preacher
was holding forth at Santa Clara valley young
man rose to go out when the preacher said
"Young man if you'd rather go to hell than hear
me preach, you may Tho sinner stopped and
reflected moment, aud then saying, respect
fully: well, believe would" went On.
Dr. Hinchcliffe, who died Bishop of Peter
borough, had much ready wit, and was extreme
ly apt at checking those who were fond of cavil-
ling at the meaning of different texts of Scrip
ture. On being asked one day what was to be
understood by the expression, "He clothed him
self with with garmentr "The
clearest thing in the world replied the doctor;
''the man had habit of swearing"
Miss Upham, who Grated at womans meet
ing in New York, the other evening, pronounced
the following conundrums to the audience -
"Who am !? What am ? Where am II Am
q citizens, or am 1 not? Where DO women
standI Or do We, like Aahomet's coffin, hang
in midairT" We give it up.
The wife of modern Cresus, having returned
from abroad with numberless objects of art rather
promiscuously chosen, stood one day despairiAg.
ly contemplating her Parian groups 20 Jack u
exclaimed she at last, "what shall we do? There
are no hicks for our stationery"
Deacon -, very pious man, who lived
net thousand miles from Marietta, was noted
for his long prayers, especially in his family
One Monday morning the deacon and his wife
were alone and, as was his custom after break
fast, prayer was offered There being an I'M
usual amount of work that day, the deacon's
prayer was short and, selling his hat and milk
pail, he started for the barn. His wife, being
deaf, did not notice his absence, but supposed
him to be still engaged in prayer. On his re-
turn from milking he was surprised to find her
still kneeling. He stepped up to her and shout
3D. "Amen," when she Immediately arose and
went about her work as il nothing Had hap
pened.
There resides in the neighborhood of Boston
an old gentleman well known IN the city, slight
~ deaf and whom nothing so much angers as to
be disturbed by callers at meal times. Just seat
ing himself at the breakfast table one morning
last winter, when light snow was falling, he