The Plymouth Democrat. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1869-1941, 1869-12-23
The Josh Billings Papers-Female Re.
marks.

DEAR girls, are yu in sarCh oy hus-
band?
This IL pumper, and yu are not re-
CURED tew say Yes " out loud, but are
expedited tew throw yure eyes down into
the EARTH az tho WI waz lookin fur pin,
and reply tew the interrogation with a
kind of drawd in sigh, az tho WI waz eat
ing an oyster, juice and all, of from the
half shell.
Net tew press SO tender theme until it
becomes "A thorn in the flesh, we will pre-
sumo (tcw avoid argument) that yu are
on the lookout fur sumthing IN the male
line tew boost yu in the uphill ov life,
and tew keep his eyes on the britching
when WI begin tew go down the other
side ov the mountain. Let me give yu
sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot
yure future husband:
1. The man who IL Jellous ov every lit
tie attenshun which yu Git from sum other
fellow, yu will find, after WI are married
tcw him, luvs himself more than he duz
yu, and what yu mistOOk fur sOliSsitude,
yu Will diskOver, haz changed into indif-
ference. Jealousy isn't heart disease, it
IL liver complaint.
,. A mustash IL not indispensable it IL
only little more hair and IL a good deal
like moss and other eXcressences-oft
| duz the best on sile that won't raize emmy
thing else. Don't forgit that those things
which yu admire in fellow before mar
riage, yu will probably hav tew admire in
husband after, and muStash will git
tew be very weak diet after long time
3. If husbands could be took on trial, az
Irish cooks are, tew-thirdS OY them would
probably be returned; but there don't
seem tcw be emmy law fur this. There
fore, girls, you will see that after you git
man, you hav got tew keep him, even if
yu lose on him. Consequently, if yu hav
got emmy cold vittles in the house try him
on them, once in a while, during securing
season, and if he swallers them well, and
SEE he will take sum more, he liz man
who, when blue Monday Gums, will wash
we'll
A. Don't marry pheller who IL alwuz
telling how hiz mother duZ things Itiz
az hard tew suit theZe men az it H. tew
wean young one.
/ 3. If yung man kan beat yu PLAYING
on pianncr, and kant hear q fish horn
playing in the street without turning a
| back summersett on account ov the musicil
| that IL in him, say skip him; he might
answer tew tend babe, but if VA set him
hoeing out the garden, yu will find that
yu hav got tew do it yurself. A man
| Whoze whole heft lies i'm musick land not
very betty at that, amt no better fer a
husband than seedlItz powder, but if he
| luvs tew listen while WI sing sum gentle
ballad, yu will find him, mellow, and so
soft. But don't marry ennybody for list
one virtew emmy quicker than WI would
flop man for jist one fault.
D. 1t IL one Ov the most fullest things
for female tew be an old maid successful
y. A great menny haz tried it, and made
bad job of it. Everybody seems tew look
upon old maids jist az they do upon dried
harbs-in the garnet handy for sickness
and-therefore, girls, it amt a mistake
that yu should be willing tew swop yur-
self oph, with sum true phellow fur true
husband. The swop IL good one, but
don't swop fur emmy man who is respekta-
bic jist because hiz father liz. Yu had bet
ter be an old maid fur thousand wears,
and then join the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price. No woman ever
made this trade who didn't git either a
phool, mean cuss, or clown fur q hus-
band.
2: In digging down into this subject i
find the digging grows harder the further
GIT. III IL mulch easier to inform you
who not to marry, than who tew, fur the
reason there liz more Ov them.
don't think yu will foler mi advice. il
Civ it, and therefore will keep it, for
look upon advis az do upon castorrile-a
mean dose tew Civ, and mean dose tew
| take.
But must say one thing, girls, or Spite.
If yu kan find a bright-eyed, healthy and
well ballasted boy, who looks upon pov-
erty az sassy aza child looks upon wealth
who had rather sit down on the curb stun,
IN front of the 9th avenue hotel, and eat a
ham sandwich, than tew go inside and
run in debt for biz dinner and toothpck-
one who liz armed with that kind ov pluck
that mistakes defeat fur victory, my
advis IL tew take him body and sole-snare
him at unst, fur he IL stray trout, ov a
breed very skase in our waters.
Take blm, say, and bid onto him, az
hornets bid onto tree