The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1869-09-16
The Gosh Billings Papers.

Tho Gosh Billings papers.
THE RACcooN AND THE PETTIF0GGER.
The Raccoon il resident ov the United
States ov America he crnigratcd tcw this
country soon after its discovery by Column
bus, without a cent, and nothing but his
claws tew get q living with.
He IL one ov them kind ov persons
whose hide il worth more than all the rest
ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and
cultiyates the cornfields and nabring gar
den sass for sustcnance, and understands
| hiz bizncss.
His family consists ov wife and three
| children, who live with him On the inside
or tree.
lie can alwus be found at home during
the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his
nights arc devoted tew looking after his
own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and his tail, which
IL round, has rings on it.
These rings are ov the same material that
the tail IL, and are worn on all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up in
Il hard not, and lays down by his fireside.
When spring opens he opens, and goes out
to see how the chickens hav Wintercd.
His lie IL rs free from labor az new
penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and the
rest ov mankind the rackcoon would find
what everybody else has lost-hcavcn upon
earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin
him, and what thare is lett oV him amt
worth cuss.
He il not natral vagabond, like the
hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be
civilized and liv among folks, but he haz
one vice that the smartest missionary on
earth kant redeem, and that IL the art ov
stceling.
He IL scckond only tew the crow in petite
larceny, will steal what he kant eat nor
hide.
lie will turn over barrel ov apple sass
just for the fun ov mauling the sass with
his feet, and will pull out the plug out oV
the molasgis, not be kausc he luvs sugar
emmy better than he duz yung duck, but jist
tew see if the molassis has got q good daub
tew il.
I hav studded animal deviltry Tor IS
years, be kause the more dcyiltry in an ami
NAL, the more human he is.
J can't find, by sarching the passenger
list, that Noah had 4 coon on board, but |
an willing tew bet 10 pound Owe mutton
sassagc that mister coon and hiz wife COM
muted by stealing ride.
never knu rackcoon tcw want emmy
thing long that he could steal quick.
Ennyboddy who has ever looked 4 coon
! right square in the face will bet VI dol
lar that he il q dead beat, or under five
hundred-dollar bonds not tew 90 into the
| Dizziness for the next ninety days.
| hay had tame coons by the dozen-they
are az easy tcw tame as q child if yu take
them yung cnutf, but | kant advise emmy
boldly to cultivate coons; they want as
mulch looking after az Il blind mule on Il
| tow-path, and there aiut emmy more profit
| il them than thar il in stock dividend on
the Erie railroad.
never waz out oy pet animal since |
| kan remember till now, hut hav gone out
ov the trade forever; lately [ discovered
that it was good deal like making q
whssel out of cats tail, running q cont
Portable tale, and reaping q Eursid mean
whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be siXty-livc years old
| if they miss the society ov men and dogs
enu1f; but thare Amt but few ov them die
ov old age. The Northwestern Fur Com
pany arc the crate undcltakers Of the coon
family.
l feel sorry for coons, for with trife
more brains they would make respectable
pettifoggers before justis ov the peace ;
but even this would not save them from
final perdishun.
Nature don't make emmy mistakes, aftcr
al she hits the bull right in the eye1every
time. When she wants rackcoon with
rings on his tail she makes him, and when
she wants 4 pcttifogser she knows how tcw
make him without splicing good coon.
Pcttifogers, no doubt, have destiny tew
| fill, aud they may enable justiss ov the
peace, in cloudy day, tew know good
deal less oy the law than he otherwise
would still, for all this, if [ was obliged
tew pray for one or the other, think now
should say, give us little more coon and
a good deal less pettifogger.
If the rackcoon would only give his
whole attenshun to politics thar amt but
Jew can beat him. He is at home on the
stump; and menny On lis cid coons kan re-
kolckt how, in 1910, with nothing but a
hard cider diet, he swept the country from
north to the south pole like cargo oy
epson salts.-Ne1u Torlc Weekly.