The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1869-05-22
The Judge on a Button Trial.

A WoMANLY WAY OF KEEPING A SECRET.
There are some things man cannot do
to his satisfaction. He may have the will
to do, but he has not the instinct to guide
him in doing well. l have seen men try
to sew buttons on their shirts, after getting
said shirts properly adjusted on their
bodies. / went to the assistance of the
Judge in about the third act of such per-
Torrance the other morning. He was
dressing himself with unusual care, had
enrolled himself i'll the snowiest garment in
his collection, and after buttoning every
button in order, took a long drawn breath
by way of expressing entire satisfaction
Direful consequences followed. The top
button. securing the {" throat band" as he
designated it, was torn off, and the Judge,
with an air of injured dignity, proceeded
to sew another button on. He knew how,
of course. He was none of your old bache-
lors. He had good wife at home, and had
raised family of girls, therefore he knew
all about the mystery of replacing buttons.
He knew he would find all the needful APP
paratus in his satchell, and he did. There
were buttons and thread and needles ar
ranged as though they formed a model no.
ton shop in miniature. The Judge selected
good stout needle Didn't want to break
the thing, you know and e strong black
patent thread chad heard his wife expa-
tiate on the merits of that patent thread
and knew it was just the thing, )and pro-
ceeded to sew the button on. Easiest
thing in the world-anybody could do it
he had done the thing a hundred times
wouldn't think of asking any assistance
He tried to pull that part of the garment
wherein he proposed to sew the button
around within range of his vision, and in
his unsuccessful efforts to do this looked
very much like very earnest dog trying
to catch his tail. This was act first and all
comedy, The Judge was astonished. He
never knew such a thing to happen before.
He was quite sure the garment didn't be-
long to him. His wife had made mis-
take, women always were.
After breathing spell act second COM
menced, the Judge elevating his chin and
proceeding to sew at random. Button
wouldn't stay in its place-needle had
tendency to charge bayonets on his UNI
guarded fingers, and make frantic stabs
and cuts at his throat. The fault was all
in the needle, of course, and the effort pro-
nounced failnre.
| Act third commenced with a bright idea.
| The Judge placed himself in front of the
looking glass, wondering that he hadn't
thought of that before. Everything was
easy now. The Judge gave his arm an
artistic swing, and with triumph marked
on every feature of his flushed face, COM
menced. Hand moved to the left when he
ordered it to the right. Went down when
his mind said up. Needle struck his chin
when he aimed it at the button. The
Judge took off his spectacles and looked
closely and earnestly at the mirror. Here
was a philosophical puzzle-a curious
thing. He knew all about it. He under
stood the laws of reflected light, and would
| try again. And he did. Result-failure. |
had watched him thus far with great in
terest He was, with his red face, short
breath and excited manner, the very image
Of man trying to lift himself over the
| fence by his boot straps. At last my
proffered assistance was accepted. l put
the button in place, but needle wouldn go
through. Judge wanted me to bite the
thread-had seen his wife do it many a
time l considerably remarked that the
trouble was with the needle, not with the
thread. The old fellow frowned at me as
though he was about to say, ''Three years
in the Penitentiary,' but settled down into
an air of injured innocence. Just as | was
crouching down in my earnest and honest
endeavor to do my duty in the button bust
ness, some one knocked at the door of the
room. The Judge, with his hospitable in
stinct in full play, shouted 'come in, and
In walked Miss Minnie. There was no
policy in concealment. She knew what
we were about, and she laughed so much
and so loud that the Judge ventured to
frown, and say, "tut, tut, in his severest
tone. 1t was strange how much that girl
knew. The needle was too large. So it
was-so it was-he thought so. This from
the judge. "Then the thread, why you
dear old goosy, never sew shirt buttons on
with black thread The Judge WINGED
and said nothing. "Now, here your wife
has placed just the needle and the very kind
of thread you wanted most convenient, and
still you Numbered on this great clumsy