The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1869-06-03
HUMOROUS.

Long Divisional divorce.
Close application-that pfacticed BY
Office hunters.
dresses.
The oldest woman's club is, II y salAt
the broom stick.
Blank-despair-to vaiss . prise In .
lottery.
What tree Of three letters may b. spslt
with one: The yew.
! What author uses the most uncommou
words: The compiler Of dictionary.
/ An exchange calls brother editor
who steals his items, a cliptomaniac.
1t is useless to look for money In %
! empty pocket, even with the best book
note detector.
The men who aatter wosnso 1onqo
know them sufficiently; tho men W.
abuse them do not know them as III.
Prentice says that nian ~ tlss -.
alteration At the creation. WOmanWo
only ''side Issue. !" &c ~ z n
Sheridan gives the folioNfne .humIUk
Gus definition: Irishlnan-a m9c6Ino ~
converting potatoes into human naesse.
'Pa, what is the use II givlng oos -
SO much milk ?" $50 that s6ey 10y
make hogs Of themselves, darling"
Stiggins, the new married man, sayo
his wife Is u perfect rose. The only
draw back to his happiness II, that she
blows out perhaps y "leetle" too often.
\ new dictionary defines hash - .
hoar,iing. house confidence game; AnA
quack, as doctor whose science lays II
his bill.
The Lafayette Courier says: He that
giveth to the poor, lendeth to the Lord.
lf you like the security, down with the
dust Admission fifty cents.
The New Orleans Times thinks there
j Is nothing remarkable In the fact Of the
young woman in Des Moines, Iowa, sp-
prenticing herself to n timer, ''consjd.
cring woman's proverbial love for sofe
solder"
Mark Twain says Horace Greely oaco
tried to make a living ~ writing mas
ter, and failed. His copy was, "Virtuo
Is its own reward" and the scholar rot
1t, washing with soap IL wholly q.
surd.
The last case Of inebriety: A persoo
was heard cnergetically declaring hts
fixed purpose to take his girl to see the
picture Of "Crossington Washing the
Delawareh'
At n young ladies' seminary recently,
during M examination i'm history, one
Of the most promising pupils was inter.
rosated: Mary, did Martin Luther die
Il natural death >" NO" was the ~.
ply, 'he was communicated by q
bull.n
Josh Billings divides tho human race
into three classes: "Those who think e
is SO, those who think 1t isn't 70, and
t,,>- Ia. H. 4 Il "a
Is so or not"
lady whose family was very much
in the habit of making sa9q,HSsEI:d, e.sq q,HSs.EI:od'
in an excited tone: Why are these
doors always left open ?" II give IL
up" instantly replied his wife.
Not long ago, in one of our New Eng
land towns, u woman entered = probate
Office with four little "hopefuls," and
with countenance that would do JUS
tice to hard days, commenced her truly
affecting appeal: PLEASE, your honor,
my husband died detcsted, and left four
little inlidel children, aud appointed
me eXecutioner, and pray your Lord.
ship will allow me to execute the deed"
a writer says "babes resemble wheat
in many respects. Firstly-neither are
good for much till they arrive vt matur.
ny SaNolHiS S-both alS DIcu III kuO
house, and also the flower of the family:
thirlly-both have to be Graded;
fourthly both are sener'ly we'll thrash.
ed before they are done with" We
would add that, fifthly-too many get
only half baked.
The Petersburg Express, having been
reproved by an exchange for being
mulish in political matters, replies quite
smartly, and concludes with this good
hit: "Thc fact is. when our own no
tions are opposed, we are all pretty
much like the Confederate teamster We
heard during the war, laying il on yig-
orously with his whip, and sxelsiming
to his team, 'D-n you; I'm some mule
too"
An instance Of connubiai affection II
narrated as occurring lately in New
Hamshire. A couple had quarrelSd
during the whole long term Of their
married life. At last the husband WAS
taken i'll, and evidently about to die
His wife came to his bedside, whsra,
after she had seen his condition, to
following colIoquy ensued: "Why, dad
dy, your feet are cold, and your hands
are cold, and your nose Is cold"
"Wa'li, let 'em be cold" why, dad
dy, you're going to die!" wall,
guess know wat Pm bout" "Why,
daddy, watts to become Of me IL you die?s
"Dunno, and don't care! Wat want
to know is, mat's to 6ecuna Of me -