Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1869-08-05
From N, Cincinnati Tiwes.
Fat Takes.
BY THE "rAr CONTRIBUTOR

The man who wrote Home, Sweet Home,
never had home -ESchdpge.
No. Of course not. All his folks at home
say he didn't. Nobody who writes about any
thing ever has it. II q man is ont Of anything
he immediately goes and writes about IT, No
one writes so mary headings as thcman who
is out of his head
Certainly he didn't have any home. Tue
man who wrote Ola Arm Chair never had
an arm chair in his life. The best he had was
m old split-bottom chair without any back to
it,
The author of "Takc Ne Back 10 Swi,zer-
land never was in Switzerland. The nearest
he ever came to it was sitting in the Wm'
Tell saloon eating Switzer kase-kase why,
that was the best he could do.
"Mother, I've Come Home to Die" hasn't
spoken to the old woman for years, and would
not 20 near the house. Besides, he IS one of
that class Of spiritualists who don't believe
they ever will die. His health was never bet
ter. His mother is nothing but mo'heI-1n-
law. and she is dead, anyhow.
There is the author of "0ld 0aken Bucket
too; there wasn't bucket on the whole farm,
water being drawn with tin pail and eis-
tern pole
of had but thousand a year stated
privately to his friends that he would be per-
fectly contentcd with half that sum, as he WAS
doing chores Just for his board and three
months schooling in the winter.
The author Of Champagne Charley never
drank anything but ten cent whiskey.
"Shels Of Ocean lisa humbug. The plain;-
i've poet who represents himself as wandering
one summers eve, with scabent thought, on n
pensive shore, was raised in the interior OF
Pennsylvania, and never was ten miles away
from home in all his life. Gathered Shells,
did he p All the shells he ever gathered were
some csg-shels back Of his mothers kitchen
"FIark, hear the angels singing" spent all
his evenings in a concert beer saloon. Angels,
indeed
The man who wrote The Song Of the Shirt, >
hadn't shirt to hi, back, wearing a wamPus
for the most part.
"On in a Silly Night used to get on
spree and make the Silly night howl till day
break.
The author Of "We met by Chance knew
very well it was all arranged beforehand. lie
had been weeks in contrying it--and she adj
mircd his contrivance.
The author of II know no bank &c, didn't
/ know ono where lie could get his note discount
cd. The only check he ever held was a white
" check" on a faro bank. lie never had red
check in all his life.
"What are the wild waves saying?' knew
very well they were reproaching him for run
ming away from Long Branch without paying
his hotel bill.
"Who will care for mother now?" Who, in
deed You took the old lady to the poor
house just before writing the song, and there
/ is nobody but the poor-mastcr to care for her
now.
The author Of Grain on the Roof always
slept in the basement, except when lie slep.
out Of doors.
LET me kiss him for bis mother got mad
because his mother wouldn't have him, and
whipped her little boy within an inch Of his
life.
81 dreampt dwclt in marble halls" used
to cheat at marbles when boy, and his dream
was a horrid nightmare, brought on by rcmorse
at the recollection Of fraudulent marble hduls.
"Tm saddest when sing" was tickled al
most to death If invited TO.
Happy be thy dreams" sold benzine whis-
Ky. You can fancy what kind Of " dreams -
were produced.
80 one to love- having just killed or his
fifth wife, naturally felt like the devil about it.