The Louisiana Democrat. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1845-1918, 1869-10-13
The Statistical Bore. ],

-. e q a
Statistics are capable of Anytime.
An English statistician has Just con.
Guided that, during the Outrageous
heat of the Summer of 1868, the human
race perspired sufficiently to .fin "a
Lake of Geneva once and half. Such
discovery is of a nature to edify ora
on the disastrous effects that a mono-
maniac for statistics may exercise On
the intelligence of a person so posseas-
ed. We happened to have a friend Of
this order. From charming acouain-
lance he ended by becomir 4 an Insult
ferable bore. H. sb4 sss
Enter restaurant with him and or.
der your breakfast. II. chances around
the room, and before you have time 70
sit down he says:
81 bet yon don't know how many
men in the aggregate take their break
fast out of doors in New York; ys-r
mo, l be hanged If I want to. Ian
hungry as shark. Waiter, bring me
an Omel.,tte.n afaeS 81 49, q
This. last word arouses the attention
OF D. s friend, the statistician.
IAN omelette! That reminds me of
tne results of one of my most curious
calculations" n
1tAh So = @he4@ = :"
eyes. I have considered, by placing
end to end all eggs laid in day in the
FIVE quarters of the world, we would
have"
"Good Lord! Do let me eat in
peace"
You go out. A pretty woman pas
"a charming blonde!" you muir
| muir.
As quick as thought, he says:
81 am sure you cannot imagine what
in this world. found the fignres in B
voluminous work of i've parts of a eel
ebrated Stats"
You enter Barnum's and ascend to
the theatre. The piece is interesting
and he appears to follow it with deep
interest. {ae5s. araasfiI sIff tft5If
After capital scene you turn sud-
denly and ask him how he likes it.
| sTf"
"Why, yes; you seem entranced."
"NO. not at all. was counting the
lights Of the chandelier and in the gal
leries. am preparing a work on tho
number Of gas-burners lit in the Uni-
ted States" haaf
Always, everywhere, the same thing;
and you will scarcely believe me, for
x was an amiable and charming fell
low. 'l ;
But this monomania
He had very pretty wife, whom he
adOred; but one morning the poor
creature was taken with an unpittying
I! pleurisy, and four days after she laid
| in her coffin. s.
The grief of poor x was deep and
true, and at the burial he wept bitter
tears.
The sad ceremony over, we natural
| " spoke Of his recent and cruel attic
ton.
"Poor Clementine ~
"She was SO go0d!'
$50 devoted n
$50 refiDed!'
And each one added his own sincere
epithet. x walked on without speak
ing. At last came his turn.
"What a lOss-what o lOss!n ssiss,
Courage my friend! Be calmln IN
"Oh! am as much as can be-
When you think it was who presided
over oil the details of this mOurnfbl
ceremOny--wente even so far % to give
the notice myself at the Mayors of6ce.
Then, after pause:
"But proftted by the time to AK
the clerks the exact figures Of the NUM-
Der OF burials in this district"
4 Oh! statistics! statistics!
CORY O'LANUs ON COUNTRY BOARD
The philosopher of the Brooklyn
Eagle having enjoyed the hospitalities
of a small farm on Long Island, gives
in his experience:
We went one summer to retired
farm house, as Mrs. O'Lanus wanted
' .'real country life."
We found that the streaW article was
not what fancy painted it.
It was just as cheap a. boarding at =
: hotel.
And you weren't bothered with wait
You could help yourselfto what You
could get.
!. The bed rooms were up only one
r fight of stairs, with q gothic ceiling
against which you could knock your
head without standing on chair.
Our room commanded q fine view OF
the barn yard, corn-crib, and pig bar
racks. ~ sse,
We could see philosophic cows ru-
minating-tIle cheerful chickens pur-
: suing their researches for stray dutri-
: ment. and the thoughtful swine medl-
Q tating on prospective swill. -.
The family used to 60 to bed At eight
. O'Clock, and get up at quarter past one
or there-abouts. ss-
n The bill of fare was not as elaborate
as DelmonicO's.
!. You were not preplexed as to choice
. of viands.
. You could have anything you
q pleased.
d lift happened to be pork.
+ They were never out of pork.
It was generally fried-though l
9 once eat it boiled. It happened On
0 Sunday, when they had child christ
q ened and wanted to celebrate the
o event.
There was plenty of fresh milk-for
warded by the milk train to New Yosk
T with just pint left for the family
q use.
al The eggs and choice vegetables used
9 to disappear in the same direction.
= People who live in the city little
e know the self-sacrifcing spirit OF the
e American farmer, who sends all ~
y luxuries of farm produce to feed the
! ,;%,, folks md kaons his family on