Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-04-23
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A man who got drunk at an election said
it was owing to his efforts to put down party
~plrits."
She that marries man because he Is
good MATCH" must not be surprised II ne
turns out Lucifer.
INTENSITY PoLITE-The man. who, as he
passed hen on her nest, raised his hat and
said "Don't rise maam,"
LONG MaAsuRE.-It takes three hundred
and twenty rods to make mile, but the devil
and two other Radicals are enough to make
one Union league.
Jury" said an Arkansas judge, 'you
kin 20 out and don't show your ugly mugs
till YOU find verdict. If you can't find one
of your own, get the one the last jury used"
"Wsre you ever baptised ~ inquired an
earnest minister of green candidate.-
"N-n-no. sir never, on'y once't, and then
I teHin"
A well-known author hung up his stock
ing in jest last Christmas eve, and his wife
very much in earnest, put baby in it;
whereupon the author said "My dear,
darn that stocking"
''The man who raised cabbage-head has
done more good than all the metaphysics in
the world" said stump orator at a meeting
"Then," replied wag. your mother ought
to have the premium"
There is man in the West who has NOV
ed so often that whenever u covered wagon
comes near his house his chickens all fall on
their backs and cross their legs ready to be
tied and carried to the next stopping place.
Mature has written honest man on his
face" said friend to Jerrold, speaking of
person in whom Jerrold's faith was not al
together blind. "Humph p Jerrold replied,
''then the pen must have been very bad
one"
An intelligent gentleman from Jewry, on
his first visit to an American church, had
contribution box with a hole in the top pre-
scented to him, and whispered to the colec-
tor, Il don't got mein bapers, unit can't
vote"
At young ladies' seminary, during an
examination in history, one of the pupils
was thus interrogated: MARY, did Martin
Luther die natural death p 'No," was
the prompt reply; "he was excommunica-
ted by bull.
AFTER MAEk1AGE.-''H Henry, love, I wish
you would throw away that book and talk to
me. l feel so dull" CA long silence, and
noreply.) Henry, dear, my foot's asleep"
lis it? Well, don't talk you might wake
it up"
"How do you like me now?' asked a
belle of her spouse. as she sailed into the
room with sweeping train Of muslin fol-
lowing her. "Well," said he, ''to tell you
the truth, it is impossible for me like you
any longer"
"Papa," said boy, 'what is punctua-
tion.''
1T is the art Of putting stops, nay child
'4Then I wish you'd go down into the Gel
lar and punctuate the cider barrel, as the
cider is running all over the floor"
A Devotee of Bacchus was overheard the
other night thus addressing his hat, which
had fallen from his head:
"lf pick you up. fall; if I fall, you
will not pick me up; then leave you;" and
he staggered proudly away.
An observing individual, in very healthy
village, seeing the sexton at work in hole
in the ground inquired what he was about
Digging grave, sir" Digging grave!
Why thought people didn't die often here;
do they?" "Oh no, sir they never die but
once
A countryman who had never paid more
than twenty-five cents to see an exhibition,
went to view the ''Forty Thieves" The
ticket seller charged him seventy-fve cents
for a ticket Passing the pasteboad back,
he quietly remarked ''Keep it, mister,
don't want to see the other thirty-nine," and
out he marched.
A lawyer was once pleading case that
brought tears into the jurors eyes, and every
one gave up the case as gone for the plain
tiff. But the opposing counsel arose and
said 'May it please the Court, do not
propose in this case te bore for water, but
Here the tears were suddenly dried, laugh
tor ensued, the righteousness of the case was
exposed and the defendant got clear.
An irregular apprentice frequently keep
ing late hours, his master at length took oc-
casion to apply some aoeighty arguments to
convince him of the Terror of his ways"
During the chastisement, the master ex-
claimed
How long will you serve the devil?"
The boy replied, whimpering-
'You know best, sir-I believe nv inden-
lures will be out in three months"
It is told Of Billy Hubbard, the Metho-
dist, that once when roll was called in the
Conference, his name was read William. !"
He rose at once and objected, saying that
his name was not William, it was Billy
"But brother Hubbard" pleaded Bishop
Asbury, "Billy is little boys name p
eyes, Bishop" was the quick reply !;
land was little boy when my father gave
it to me p
Harry MArthy used to tell Of an Irish
man who was seen at the trenches of York
town holding his hand above the earthwork.
His Captain asked: "What are you doing
that for. Pat !? He replied with grin and
aworking of his fingers: II am feelin' for
furlough, sure p just then MIME ball
struck his arm just below the wrist. Slowly
drawing it down and grasping it with the
other hand to restrain the blood, queer ex-
preston Of pain and humor passed over his
ace as he exclaimed: can faith, it's dis
charge! -