Smyrna times., 1869-04-14
MiSceIIUW e eOWS.
MIR. wilkins ON VeIOcipedes.
URut wilkins -

" l tell you, Mrs. Wilkins, I'm not going to
to have it; you may as well make up your
mind to that at once. No woman shall ever 60
prancing round in this community on a veloci-
pedG while she S wife Of mine, if | can help
it so you can just take that old pair of wheels
you brought home and gladen the heart of some
kindling-wood with them, tOrride on them you
don't; if you do I'm Dutchman! Therev'
MIR. Wilkins, you know /"
| "No, don't know anything of the kind. Do
you think I'm going to let such looking woman
as you dress up in Bloomers and mount high
hat and go around trying to show off that fig
ure?'
"Mr Wilkinsr'
eco struggling around the thoroughfares Of
this town, looking like and old beer-cask prop
ped upon two legs, and showing those ankles,
which are so thick that you couldn't get one of
them through the equatorY'
Mr. wilkins, I'll scratch"
"Wel should think not And besides
don't know whereabouts on this terrestrial
globe you expect to find any wheels strong
enough to bear you. You'd smash a pair of
cast-ron wheels into smthereens the minute
you sat down on them, you would. The best
thing you can do is to walk, and on the ground
too, where the crust of the earth isn't thin or
else sit in front of fire and melt down your
avoirdupois."
"Mr. Wilkins, you re perfectly scandalous
" But L m not going to put up with it. L
don't intend to have you Topping around town
on a velocipede, and very likely falling off and
breaking your bones, and then have a lot Of
: doctors coming to my house and making post
mOrtem examinations, and saving you up, and
discovering things with hard Latin names In
your lungs and in your physique generally.
WE'LL | should think not It's bad enough to
; have to submit to you now, without having
your gore split around over the carpet, and a
parcel of sawbones blaspheming at your anatO-
my; ,v;11;a. lM .;.,. ..h.n,oa ..,L.oqn
y I" | want you to understand that if you ride
that velocipede will sue for divorce. don t
believe in women exercising her muscles on any
s such cOntrivance. You'd good deal better
d get a scrubbing brush, and go down and tackle
the front door steps with some sand and a
chunk of soap. That's the kind Of exercise you
1t want, in my opinion"
Of "Mr. Wilkins, ifyou'lI only listen
ID "Or else practice carrying coal scuttle ur
+ and down stairs every five minutes all day
! But as for the moth"r Of family, and fabby
$ old girl of your years, undertaking to ride We
= locpede, why, it is simply ridiculous"
'e "Mr. Wilkins, /"
u "The next thing know, suppose you viii
a be parading yourself in the papers, Madame
he Wilkins, the Champion Velocipedest, and run
i'd ming mile heats on the NicOlson pavement TO
IS hundred dollar purses, best two in three 4
H. beautiful spectacle won it be2 And thel
IS [ suppose you will want me to bet on you ant
II back you up !; but not one cent of my cash u
Xix you get Not a single, solitary red Do yo
he suppose l am going to throw away my hard
+v earned money on such a fanatic as you? We'll
| should think not | would not put up dol
'' lar on you if | was worth untold billionsl Ii
Ike not proud of you; l want you to distinctly I'll
roe derstand that.
,r- "Mr. Wilkins, that's all nonsense "
=, "And a pretty example you are setting t
'Ns your children. Here, only yesterday, Holofe
let nes Montgomery made velocipede out of tw
sta Aour-barrels, and when he and Bucephalus A
exander tried to mount 1t, 1t broke down an
ity' hit Mary Jane on the leg and lamed her II
life; while Holofernes Montgomery fell ov
sn eeG the cat, which yowled and spitted around ar
'ns scratched HolOfornes Montgomery over, II
io frontispiece so that his beauty is destroyed TO
,ur ever l say that it is perfectly outrageous, al
L m not going to stand it.
%eT nS% "Mr. Wilkins Oh if you will listen LII t.
.,,o you something"
'ide "Ohl | don't want to hear it. Well disco
Tins ras tinue the conversation I'm tired of hearl
two you cackle.''
the the "Never mind now. | want to go to slee
iss '1ics Just give your tongue chance to rest'
into you?"
reas one, so bought it out of the market money
saved: But you treat me like such abrute tn
ous -I-I-I-"
four "For me, did you say, Sarah2 Well the
,irh. never mind now. Don't cry, Sarah | 81
49, Never mind l won do it again, Sarah Sara
iF''- Don't cry, Sa-rahl Oh! well, cry then CT
,s,rd who cares? You're the most aggravatlng
Sh"u man that ever lived. I'll get on that veocipe
ndred tomorrow morning and abandon you as sure
nn nv name is Wilkins If dOnt't, hang me
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