The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1869-12-24
Josh Billings' Female Remarks.

From the Top clear down to the toe"
Josh BilIings' Female Remarks.
& Dear Girls, are yu in, sarch or, hus-
iand? S's3AGBGG af5S
This il pumper, and yu ore not re-
pired tew say ys'Yes', out loud, but are
xpekted tew throw your eyes down onto
he earth, az tho yu waz looking for a
}in, and reply to the interrogatory with
kind of draulin sigh, az tho yu waz
ating an; oyster, juice and all, off from
he half shell. 81silI
Not tew press so tender there until
bekums Q thorn in the flesh, we will
presume (tew avoid argument) that yu
IRE ON the lookout for sumthing in the
male. .linestew boost;yn in the uphill ov
ife, and tew keep his eyes on the britch-
ng when yu begin tew go down the other
ide Of the mountain. Let me give yu
}um small chunks ov advice how tew spot
kure fewter husband:
/. The man who is jellous ov every
title attenshun which yu git from sum
bther fellow, yu will find after yu are
married to him, luvs himself more than
ae duz yu, and what yu mistook for So
(issitude, yu will diskover has changed
into indifference. Jellousy isn't heart
f1tbCdLOs AZ 40 u ANCI
2. A mustash is not otindispensable; it is
only little more hair, and IL good deal
ike moss and other excressences-often
'duz the best on sile that won't raise emmy
ching else. Don't forgit that those things
which yu admire in q phellow before
marriage yu will probably hav tew ad-
|mire in o husband after, and mustash
will git tew be very weak diet after long
time.
3. IF husbands could be took OH trial,
|az Irish cooks are, two-thirds ov them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem tew be emmy law for this.
Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu
|git @ man, yu hav got tew keep him,
even if yu loos on him. Consequently,
IF yu hav got emmy kold vitles in the hous,
try him on them, once in while, during
securing season, and if he swallers them
well, and sez he will take some more, he
liz man who, when blue Monday Gums,
will wash we'll
4. Don't marry pheller who is alwuz
telling how hiz mother duz things. It
liz az hard tew suit thezc men as it liz tew
wean yung one.
5. II a yung man kan beat yu playin g
on pianner, and kant hear q fish-horn
playing in the street without turning a
back snmmersett on account of the musick
that liz in him, say ship him; he might
answer tew tend babe, but if yu set him
hoeing out the garden, you will find that
You hav got tew do it yurself. A man
vhoze whole heft lies in musick land not
very hefty at that) amt no better for
husband than seedlitiz powder; but if he
luvs to listen while yu sing sum gentle
ballad, yu will find him mellow and no
soft. But don't marry ennyboddy for
jist one virtew, emmy quicker than yu
would aop man for jist one fault.
6. It iz one ov the most tuffest things
for a female tew be an old maid success
fully. A CRATE menny hez tried it and
made bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems
TO look upon old maids jist ez they do
npon dried harbs--in the garret, handy
for sickness-snd therefore, girls, it amt
mistake that yu should be willin to
swop yurself oph with some trew phel-
low for husband. The swop is good
one. but don't swop for emmy man who
IL respekted iist bekause his father il.
You had better be an old maid for
thousand years. and then join the Sha-
kers, than tew buy repentance at this
price. No woman ever made this trade
who didn't git either q phool, q mean
cuss, or clown, for husband.
z. In digging down into this subject
lind the digging grows harder the fur
ther git. It is mutch easier tew inform
yu who not tew marry than who tew, for
the reason thare liz more of them.
don't think yu will foller mi advise,
If Civ il; and, therefore, will keep it,
for look upon advise as do upon castor
ile--a mean dose to give, and mean
dose to take.
But must say one thing, girls, or
spile. II yu oan find q bright-eyed.
healthy, and we'll -ballosted boy, who
looks upon poverty az sassy as child
looks upon wealth-whs had rather sit
down on the cnrb.stun, in front of the
5th avenue hotel, and eat ham sand
wich than lew go inside and run in debt
for hiz dinner and toothpick-one who
liz armed with that kind ov pluck that
mistakes defeat for victory, mi advise
liz tew take him. body and sonl-snare
him ut unst, for he is stray trout, of
breed very skase in our waters. Take
him, I say, and bid onto him, as hornets
bid onto tree.-Neip York Weekly
Mother" said little four year old
Carrie when she came home, II have