Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-09-17
IEslIilOr.

The worst organ grinder-a hollow tooth
that plays the deuce.
The reason why the Harvard crew lost the
race was that they were dealing with Veto
ria's people. ......
An old bachelor seeing the words "fami-
lies supplied" over the door Of a shop,
stepped in and said he would take wife
and two children.
An Unmatched couple were always quar-
reling. One day the wife pointed to a cat
and dog that lay together near the stove, and
said .--.-,.--.. ...
Look at them they do not quarrel, "
"Ah!" growled the husband, cite them
together, and then see" ~ y -
HADN'T TIME.-An intinerant merchant,
meeting one of his own fraternity the other
day, whose pony might be considered a beau
tiful specimen of skeleton, demonstrated
with the owner, and asked him if he ever
fed him.
Ever fed him that's good I'm" was
the reply. ''He's got bushel and a half
of oats at home now, only he hain't got any
time to eat 'em.
An old bachelor, picking up book, ex-
claimed, upon seeing wood-cut represen
ting man kneeling at the feet ola woman.
"Before I would kneel to a woman, |
would encircle my neck with rope and
stretch it." And then turning to young
woman he inquired: 'Doyou think it would
be the best thing I could do p
''It would undoubtedly be the best thing
for the woman" was the sarcastic reply.
A correspondent writes of California
woman to whom he showed twenty five cent
note of our postal currency. specimens of
which are rare in that hard money region
She turned it over and over with keen curl
osity. at seems very strange to me that.
this should be money!" What does it look
like % "Well," (hesitatingly, and with the
utmost sincerity 'it-looks -like-a label
for an oyster can p
do let me have your daguerreotj pe,"
said dashing belle to a gentleman VIII had
been annoying her with his attentions.
The gentleman was delighted, and in
short time the lady received the picture
She gave it to her servant, and asked:
"Would you know the gentleman if he
should call ?"
The servant replied in the affirmative.
"Well, when he comes tell him l am en-
gagged"
D1DS'r WANT TO BE presidential little
fellow has just begun going to the public
schools. His mother, to stimulate him
to attention to his lessons, said to him the
other day:
Charley, if you study hard, you may
some day become President of the United
States, like George Washington. Who
knows %
''Don't talk to me about being PRESIDENT
exclaimed he: ''everybody's going to be
President. When we 60 to school, the first
thing the teacher does she calls the names
Of all the little boys, and they all say 'Presi-
dent [ don't want to be President"
MArR1MoNy -*sYou ought to marry"
Never
Il know good girl for YOU
ssLet me alone"
''But perhaps you-pshaw !-yoa don't
know her. She is young"
''Then she is sly
Beautiful"
'SThe more dangerous
"Of good family" .. -
''Then she is proud
s'Tender- hearted"
$'Then she is jealous"
<'She has talents"
s'To kill me-"
<'And one hundred thousand dollars
Il will take her."
LOVE AND THE CoBBLER.- s'Pete what
am Tub % asked sable youth of his COM
panion.
Don't know, Uncle Pete"
4Why, your education is dreadfully i'm
perfect. Can't you feel him in your bussum,
to be sure ?"
The other inserted his hand beneath his
waistcoat.
''No, don't Uncle Pete"
Ignorant niger 1t am strong pash. !
I'M, that rcnds the soul so severely that even |
time itself cannot heal it."
"Den, Uncle Pete, know who be in lub."
"Who am it"
Dis ole boot OBJ mine. It's sole am rent |
so severely dat Jonsing, de cobbler, utterly
refuse to mend him; and he say dat de ole |
IN hissclf couldn't heel EN-"
TRACKS There resides in our neiphbor.
hood an old gentleman who is slightly deaf,
and whom nothing so much angcrs as to be
disturbed by callers at meal times. Just
seating himself at the breakfast table one
morning last winter, when light snow was
falling, he was summoned by a message from
a person at the front door, who declined to
send his name, but must see him. Going to
the door, he saw a somewhat secdy indiyidu-
al, with red nose, who evidently shifted
the breakfast in anticipation, and the owner
Of which, in dismal whine said:
IL have called, sir, to see if YOU would
allow me to leave few tracts at your door?n
'Tracks!" said the deaf and irascible mer-
chant, Cracks Yes, leave as many tracks
as you please, and leave 'em at once, with
the heels towards the door"
ORIGINAL Expressions. -Homc stretches
yarns:
law blanks-1gnorant attorneys.
Mammoth Cavcs-Huge failures. |
A pleasing Satisfaction
Eclipse Music-Thc Shadow Dance.
Pressing business--That of an Editor.
Matters of Estate Things that are said
Criminal acts--The labor of conyicts.
A class W hose ddty to the Government is
great-The importers. ~
Rather queer footing-That of people
who arc on their wits end