The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1869-10-11
JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS
THE COTE.

! The cote IL koarse woolen sheep.
They have a split hoof and whole
tail.
They hav good appetite and a san
guine digestion.
They swallo what they eat, and will
eat ennything they kan bite.
Their moral karakters are not polish
ed; they had rather steal rotten turnip
out ov a garbage box, than tew cum
honestly by pek ov oats.
The male cote haZ two horns on the
ridge of hiz he'd, and mustash on hiz
bottom lip, and IL the plug ugly ov hiz
naberhood.
A maskuline cote will fite ennything
from an elephant down to his shadder on
a ded wall
They strike from their but-end, insted
ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew
hit, az a hammer iz nailhed.
They are hi seasoned animal, az
much so az a pound ov assifdity.
They are faithful kritters, and will
stick to friend az long az he lives in a
shanty.
They kan KLINE ennything but a
greast pole, and kno the way up rock
as natural as woodbine.
They are az certain tew raise az yung
ones, sum familys are hatf gotes,and the
other haff children. They are good eat
ing when they are yung, but they leave
it oph az they git stronger.
They are alwus poor in the boldly, but
phatt in the stumick, what they eat
seems to all 60 to appetight. Yu mite
as we'll agree to phatt an injun-rubber
over shoe bi filling it with klam shells,
az tew raize emmy adipoze membrane on
the outside bust ov cote.
A phstt cote would be a literary Curl
| osity.
They use the same dialekt az the
sheep, and the yung ones speak the
language more huently than the PARENTS
do.
Thare il only two animals ov the earth
that will eat tobakco-one liz man and
luther il cote, but the cote understands
| it the most, for he svallers the spit, t,chaw
and all.
The male cote, when he IL pensiv, liz
venerable and philosophic looking
old cuss, and wouldn't make bad pro-
fessor Nv arithmetick in sum ov our COL
leges.
They are handy at living long
time, reaching an advanced age with
out arriving at enney definite kenklu-
siou.
How leng a cote lives without giving
| il M, there iZ no man now ola eEutf tew
tell
Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at
forgetting, mite give a good-sized guess,
but unfortunately for science and this
essa, Methuzeler amt here.
Gotes will live in emmy klimate, and
on emmy vittles, except tanbark, and If
they ever cum to a square death, it liz a
fprofound sekret, in the hands of few,
to this day.
wouldn't like tev beleave emmy
man under oath who had ever seen a
maskuline cote actually die, and stay so.
Speaking ov Methuzeler, put me in
mind oy the fackt, if a man should liv
now daze, as mutch az he did, and only
hey one eye tew see things with, he
would hay to hav an addishun bilt onto
tbe back of hiZ head tew sto away
things into.
The female cote is either the mother,
or the sister. or cuzzin ov the male gete,
ackording tew the prevailing circum-
! stspsis in the case, or else l labor under
a delusion, l forget witch.
They Civ milk intultlyeiy about
ouart' before it il watered, in twelve
hours, which il the subjickt ov nourish-
ment, in various ways.
This milk, which IL ,extrakted from
the female cote, iZ excellent tew finish
up yung ones on, but is apt to make
them bellycose and fghtful..
1t il not unkommon for babe, while
inhaling this pugnashus fluid, to LET
oph his left colleckshun or digit and
ketch the nurse on the pinnakle oy the
smeller and tap it for claret.
This IL kommon fakt among Irish
babes, and explains The reason whi, IN
after life, these same babes make such
brilliant hits.
In writing the history ov the male al
! female cote to adorn the pages ov fu'
tur times, tistter myself that hay
stuck to the truth, and haven't allowed
mi imsginashun tew boss the job.
A CRATE meHny ov our best bilt his
torisns are apt tew mistake opinyun'
for facts, this il an eazy mistake Z
make, but when i strike goose, or bet
bugg, or cote, you notis one thing,l sta!
!, with them.-Finis,