The native Virginian. [volume] (Orange Court House, Va.) 1867-187?, 1869-04-23
ORANGE COURT HOUSE, VA. FRIDAY MO
JOSH BILLINGS OH BILEs,

Biles are the sorest things ov thei
size on rebkord. and as kross to tn,
touch az a setting hen, or dog with
fresh bone. Biles alwus pick out tn,
sorest place on your boldly tew builC
their nest. and ii you undertake teN
brake them up, it only, makes then
mad, and takes them longer to hatci
out. Thare aint no such thing az coax.
ing or driyin them away. Tina are like
ali impadent bedbug, they won't move
| till they have got their fill.
Biles are as old as religion. Job, the
| profit, was the fust cham pion oy biles.
aud he il currently reported tew have
more biles, and more ,pashunce to the
| square inch, than emmy one, two very
rare things to be found in any man.
Biles and pashunce L should as
soon think of mixing colrting and mus.
kceters for luxury.
l have got a CRATE deal more faith
than l hav pashunc., but l Lain't got
enough faith in biles. l wouldn't trust
a bile, even on one ov mi boots.
think that faith Is better article
than pashunce. Faith sumtimes liz an
evidence ov brains and pashunce quite
often liz only numbness, but l don t
think in these smoothe sh0d times it liz
best to hav too much capital invested
in either ov them.
But am out ov the road. l must git
back onto bises agin.
Ii fellow begins tew wander a. d git
out OF the straight and narrow path. 1t
is curious how quick he will begin to go
to the -. Biles are very sassy
sumtimes when you go to set down
they will git between you and the chair;
this is one evidence ov their i'll breed
ing, and had one once tu plant her
self on the frunt end ey my nose, which
wuz most remarkable piece ov bad
manners, for there is no room on mi
noze ennywhare for bic, tor when it
IL even ebb tide with my noze. it covers
half of mi face. Biles are sed tew be
helthy, and | guess they am, for hev
seen sum heltfy old biles, az big az a
hornet nest and az full of stings. al
ways want to be helthy- am willing
tew pay the highest market price for
if had to hav 2 biles on me,
awl the time, in order to be helthy |
should think that was bulling the mar
ket.
There is one more smart thing about
biles; they are like twins, they hardly
ever cum singly, and 1 have known
them to throw double sixes.
What twelve biles ON one man at
time ! This is wus tLan fghtin BUM
blebees with your summer clothes on.
Biles are sed, by the educated and
spoilers ov the land, to be an
operashun of natur to get rid of sum-
thing which she wants to spare. This |
is SO without doubt, but 1t don't strike
me az being very polite thing in ma
tur tew shuv oph her biles ontu uther
folks. say let every body take care of |
their own biles.
But say all you kan about biles, call
them all the mean names current
amung fisnmungers, reyile, and perse-
cute, and spit on them, groan, grin and |
swear, when tina visit you, hit them over
The head and set en- them, if you please. |
there Is time in their career when |
5hey concentrate aul the pathos ov Joy |
mat man has on hand to spare, and |
hat is-when they bust.
This IL bliss, glory and revenge on
he haff she'll. A man leads back in |
'ecktlfied comfort, as innocent and AS
imber as mermaid. This paws for
he fretful nights and snervous DAYS
While the bile has been Matching; this
hows what it is to grin aud bear it
his shows what it is to be billed and
vrung out and hung up to dry. This
$ the calm after the storm. the wedding
lay of pashunce and joy; this is the
of hope, the mystic hen that
ays two eggs a day; thi 8 is butter ON
Tour sassagis. Exit biles.