The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-07-29
Wjt and Hat77eo7'.

An cid man Of sixty, who, on receiving /;
sentence Of twenty years hard labor, thapkcd
the judge, as he didn't hope to live half SC
long"
A widow once said to her daughter, "When
you are at my age it is time enough to dream
of a husband" Yes, mamma" replied the
thoughtless beauty C for the second time"
"Sam, why don't you talk to massa, and
tell him to lay up treasures in heaven ?"-
"What's for? What de use of laying ur
treasures dare, where he never see 'cm again p
An Irishman went to live in Scotland for a
short time, but didn't like the country 81
was sick all the time was there" said he;
and if had lived there till this time I'd
been dead a year ago.
"There is no truth in men," said a lady, in
company "They are like musical instru-
ments. which sound variety Of tunes. -
In other words, madam" said another lady,
"you believe that all men are lyres."
Why are women like churches? Firstly,
because there is no living without one sec
ohdly, because there is many spire to them
thirdly, because they are objects of alteration
and, lastly, but by no means leastly, because
they have loud clapper in their upper story.
Dr. Abernethy asked student one day
what he would do in case man was blown
up with gunpowder al should wait until he
came down." was the cool reply And sup
pose [ should kick for your impertinencc,"
!, said the angry surgeon, +" what muscles would
| put in motion ?" "The tensors and 1exors
Of my right arm, Sir J"
The young gentleman who sang
"My heart and lutte is alI,the store
: That can bring to thee''-
was solcmnly assured by the young lady's
parental relative that it would be quite i'm
possible to support the family from the re-
ceipts Of such store, and was earnestly en-
Joined not to undertake the experiment with
any member of the household.
A court bufoon having offended his SOW
h ereign, the monarch sentenced him to DEATH
The culprit, in great terror, fell upon his
knees, and cried for mercy. I" I will extend
no other mercy TO you" said the prince, " ex-
ccpt permitting you to choose what kind Of
death you will die. Decide Immediately, for
[ will be obeyed, ~ adore your clemency,"
said the crafty jester; " l choose to die of old
age" +
WASN'T PUSHING HIM.-Some time ago,
on the Sabbath, we wendell our way to one
Of the churches, and instead of sermon
heard an address upon some missionary or
other benevolent subject. After the address
was concluded, two brethren were sent round
for contributions Parson L. was one Of
the basket bearers, taking the side upon which
we sat Immediately in our front, and upon
the next seat, negligently reclined our friend
Bill H, a gentleman of infinite humor
and full of Cry jokes. Parson L- extend
cd the basket, and Bill slowly shook his head.
"Come, William, give US something" said
the parson.
Cant do it," said Bill
Why not Is not the cause good one"
/" Yes, but am not able to give anything"
pooh ! pooh! I know better you must
giSc better reason than that"
We'll, owe toe much money; l must be
just before am generous you know"
But William, you owe God a larger debt
than you owe any one else"
"That's true, parson, but then he amt
pushing me Ike the balance of my creditors"
The parsons face got in rather curious
condition as he passed on !.