North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1869-09-08
Josh Billings-.The Racco0n and the
Pcttyf0ggers.

Cs
ov America; he emigrated tew this
country soon after its discovery by Col,
umbus, without cent, and nothing but
hiz claws tew git IA living with.
He liz one ov them kind ov persons
whoze hide IL worth more than all the rest
ov him.
lie resides among the heavy timber and
cultivates the cornields and nabring gar
den sass for subsenances, and understands
hiz bizzness.
IIiz family consists ov a wife and three
children, who live with him on the inside
ov tree.
lie can alwus be found at heme during
the day, reddy to receive calls, but hiz
nights are devoted tew looking after hiz
own affairs.
lie dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail,
which IL round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material
that the tail IL, and are worn upon all
occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up
into hard not and lays down by hiz
tireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes
out tew see how the chickens hay winter
ed.
Hiz life il az free from labor az new
penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and
the rest ov mankind, the raccoon would
find hat everybody else haz lost-a
heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the man skin
him, and what there IL left ov him amt
worth cuss.
He IL not natural vagabond like the
hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs tew
be civilized and liv among folks; but he
haz one vice that the smartest missionary
on earth kant redeem, and that il the art
ov stealing.
He IL seckond only tew the crow in
petitlarceny, and will steal what he kant
eat, nor hide.
lie will tip over barrel ov apple sass
just for the fun ov mauling the sass with
hiz feet, and will pull out the plug out ov
the molassis, not bekause he luvs sugar
emmy better than he duz young duck, but
just tew see if the mollassis haz got a
good daub tew it.
hav studded animal deviltry for IS
years, bekause the more deviltry in an
animal, the more human he il.
l can't find, by sarching the passenger
list, that Noah had coon on board, but I
am willing tew bet 10 pounds ov mutton
sassage that mister coon, and his wife
commuted. by stealing ride.
| never knu a rackcoon tew want emmy.
thing long that he could steal quick.
Ennybody, who haz ever looked a coon
right square in the face, will bet yu a dol-
lar that he is a dead beat, or under five
hundred dollar bonds not tew go into the
bizzness for the next ninety days.
l hav had tame coons by the dozen,
they are az eazy tew tame ~ child, if
yu take them young enuff, but kant ad-
wise ennybody to cultivate coons, they
want az much looking after az blind
mule on tow path, and thare aint emmy
more profit in them than thar il in a
| stock dividend on the Erie Railroad.
asssA~ ~".tAa osst ov u pee animal sir,oe
kan remember, till now, but hav gone
out ov the trade forever; lately discov-
cred that it waz good deal like making a
whissel out ov Rats tail, running com>
Portable tail, and reaping kursid mean
whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if
they miss the sosiety ov men and dogs
enuf, but thare aint but few ov them die
ov old age; the northwestern fur company
are the CRATE undertakers of the coon
family.
l feel sorry for coons; for with a trift
more brains, they would make respectabl,
pettyfoggers before justiss ov the peace
but even this would not save them from
final perdishum.
| Natur don't make emmy mistakes, afte
all when she wants rackcoon, wit
rings on hiz tail, she makes him, an
when she wants pettyfogger, she know
how tew make him, without spiling
good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav destin
tew fill, and they may enable justiss {
the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know
good deal less ov the law than he othe
wise would; still, for all this, if WI
7 Obliged tew pray for one, or the other,
e think now l should say, Civ US lit
n more coon, and good deal less pettyfo
: ger.
If the rackcoon would only Civ /
a whole attenshun tew politicks, thare ai
3 but few could beat him he's at home
IS the stump, and menny on us, old COO
n kan reckolekt how, in 1910, with nothi
n but a hard cider diet, he swept the COZ
'e try, from the north to the south pole, L
Of a cargo ov apsom psalts.
o
j A really thorough workman in a
lv useful trade may count upon steady q
Il well-paid work all the year round, in a
! part Of the country, even in these
~ times and if he is intelligent, as &c
n workman is sure to be, he needs not wo
a any longer as journeyman than he lik