The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1869-02-18

Free Missionary Exposed.
BY A VICTIM.

I have Joined the Masonic fraternity. /
! am free and accepted son or brother, or
whatever it is Of that ancient and mystcri-
Gus organization. | have belonged to many
secret societies in my time. | have been an
Orangeman, and son Of Temperance, and a
Fenian and if remember Alright, once
belonged to gang of coiners; but this Ma
| sonic arrangement, this institution Of the
| compass and square, distances them all. |
must tell you of the perils and trials | had to
undergo to become Mason. On the even
| ing in question | presented myself at the
| door Of the lodgeroom, No. sc ,666, sign Of
the skull and cross-bones. was conducted
to an ante-room, where five or six melancholy
chaps in sasbes and embroidered napkins were
| waiting to receive me. On my entrance they
all got up and turned back somersault, and
| then resumed their seats. A big fat fellow,
| who sat in the middle and seemed to be the
| proprietor, then said:
"Sinner from the outer world, advance y
advanced. "Will yop give up everything
| to join us 2"
sNot if l know it, said there's my
| wife and fourteen iue-"
Another party told me to say eyes" as it
| was merely a matter of form. So l said !:
eyes. l give up everything"
The fellows in the towels then groaned and
said, ''Tis WE'LL" DO you swear never to
reveal anything you may see or hear this
evening to any human being, nor your wife p
said, ''Pon my word, will not"
They then examined my teeth and felt my
muscle, and made me put out my tongue, and
| then groaned again. said:
eff you don't feel well l have got little
bottle here that"
The fat man here took tho bottle from me
| and told me to shut up. He then, in voice
Of thunder, said:
"Bring forth the goat y
! Another fellow then came up with big
cloth to bind me.
''No you don't, Mr.. Mason" said emo
tricks on travellers, if you please I don't be-
| fieve in playing blind mans bluff with a goat.
I'll ride the devil, if you like, but I don't go
in blind. Stand back, or will knock you
| into smithereens."
They were too much for me, however; so
had to submit to be blindfolded The goat
was then led in, and | could hear him max
| ing an awful racket among the furniture
| began to feel that was urgeatly wanted at
home; but | was in for it and could not help
myself Three or four fellows then seized
me, and with demoniacal laugh pitched ME
! on the animals back, telling me at the same
time to look out for squalls. have been in a
good many scrapes; I have been in an election
fight; I've been pitched out Of four story
window have gone down in railroad col
lision, and up in a steamboat explosion; but
this goat excursion was ahead Of them all
The COMPOUNDED thing must be all wings and
horns. It bumped ME against the tables and
chairs and the stove and the ceiling; but |
| hung on Ike Trojan. turned front som
ersaults, and rolled until thought it was all
over with me. was just on the point of
giving up when the bandage fell from my
eyes and the goat bounded through the win
dow With yell like Camanche Indian Civ
ing up the ghost. was in lodge of Ma
sons. They we're dancing war dance around
big skull, and playing leap frog and turning
handsprinss, and the big, fat fellow Of the
ante room was standing on his head in the
corner. The chief engineer Of the establish
ment then put his thumb to his nose, and
stretching out his fingers in the shape of "a
fan towards me, commanded silence. The
rest Of the brethren did likewise and were 81
lent. The Governor then addressed me:
Brother Knobb, you are now one Of US.
You are now member of an institution that
has lasted over ten million years From this
time forward your constitution is sound
You are impervious to light aud heat, Or any
other atmospheric influence. You are water
proof, and over proof. With impunity you
may walk through the lake, or sit on a red.
hot stove; with impunity drink aquafortis
rye whiskey, or any other poisonous substance
You are free from rheumatism, dyspepsia
whooping cough, or the measles. The sher
if dare not seize you for debt, nor the police
man arrest you for misdemeanor. You are d
us, and you arc safe. Here is the password
with that and big club you can get into any
lodge in Christcndom."
| l then took the oath on q pack of cards
stood the whiskey and water ali around, and
[ was Mason.