The weekly Ottumwa courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1857-1872, 1869-12-30
iThe Josh Billings...-Female
Rentarks.

Remarks.
Dear girls arc yu in search of q
husband
This IL a pumper, and yu are not
required tew say "y es'' out loud, but
1expeckted to throw yurc eyes down
into the earth, az tho yu wuz lookin
fur a pin, and reply tew the interro.
cation with drawd.in. sigh, az tho
yu wuz eatin ah oyster, juice and all,
off from the half shell.
Now tew press so tender theme
until it becomes n thorn in the fes b
we will presume (tew avoid argu-
ment) that yu are on the lookout for
something In tho male line to boost
yu in the uphill Nv life, and 10 keep
his eyes on the tritching when yu
begin tew go down on the other side
Nv the mountain.
Let mo give yu some small chunks
uv advice how tew spot yure future
husband
|. The man who IL iellous ov evry
little attenshi.u which you git from
sum other TELLER, yu will find, after
yu ar married tew him, !uvs himself
more than he duz you, and what yu
mistook for solissitude, 20 will dis.
kover, has changed into Indifference.
Jelloussy isn't heart disease it IL a
LIVER complaint.
2. A mustash il not indispensable !;
it IL only little more hair, and is a
good deal like moss and other excres
sences often duz the best on sile
that wun't raize ennything else.
Don't forget that those things witch
yu admire in teller before marriage
yu will probably have to admire in a
husband after marriage, and a mus.
fash will git tew be very weak diet
after a long time.
8. If husbands Good be took Oh tri.
al az Irish hooks are, tew-thirds ov
them wood probably be returned !;
out Their don't seem tew be emmy law
for this; Tharefore, girls, yu will Sc
that after yu git man, yu have got
tew keep hun, even ifyu loose on him.
Consequently, if you have got emmy
cold vittles in the house try him on
them, and if be swallers them we'll,
and says he will take Some more, he
il man who. when blue Monday
Gums, will wash we'll.
+ 4. Don't marry pheller who liz
aalwuz a telling how hiz mother does
things. 1t az hard to suit these mon
az it IL to wean a yung wun.
8. fla yung man kan beat yu play
ing OH pianner, and kant hear a fish
: horn playing in the street without
BURNING summersett on account Of
the musick that IL in him, say strip
him he might answer to tend babe,
but if you set him hoeing o1t the
garden, yu will find that u hav tew
do it yoorself A man whose whole
heft lies in musick, (and not very
betty at that, ant no better for a
husband than seedilts powder, but if
he luves to listen while yu sing sum
gentle ballads, ye will find him mel
low and SO soft. But dent marry
ennybndy for jist one virtew emmy
quicker than yu would flop a man
jist for one fault.
6. 1t liz one ov tho most tuffest
things fur a female to be an old maid
successfully. A great menny have
tried 1t, and made bad lob Nv it..
Everybody seems tew look upon old
maids jist az they do upon dried
hurbs in the garnet; handy for SICK
ness and, therefore, girls it amt q
mistake that yu should be willing tew
swop yourself opn, with sum true fell
Ter fur q true husband. The swop
IL q good one, but don't swop fur en-
= ny man who il respectable jist bekaus
hiz father il. Yu had better be an
'cld maid fur 4 thousand years, and
then jine the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price No woman
ever made this trade-who did't git
either phool, mean cuss, or a
clown for husband
Z. In diggin down into this subject
| find the diggin grows harder the
further git. Itis much easier tow
Inform yu who not tew marry, than
who tew, fur the reason thare IL
more ov them,
don't think you'll foller my adj
vice, if give it; and thereforei will
keep it, if You look upon advice az
do upon castorrile = :. mean dose
tew give, and a mean dose tew take.
But must say one thing, girls, or
Spite. 1t yu kan find brIght-eyed.
healthy and well-ballasted boy, who
looks upon poverty, az sassa az a
child, looks upon wealth, who had
rather sit down on the curb-stun, in
front ov the 9Th avenue hotel, and
eat ham sandwich. than tew go
inside and run in debt fur hiz dinner
and toothplck-one who is armed
with that kind oy pluck that mis-
takes defeat fur victory, my ad.
wise il tew take him body and sole
snare him at once, far he is a stray
trout, ov n breed very s'sarse in our
waters.
Take him, i say, and bid onto him,
las hornets bid onto q tree.