Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1869-07-02

] ti tlE tlist year.
May ask the time Of day, sir ?"
Certainly, sir"
"lheu, what time is it?''
''Wel, now, really, sir, don't know
IT is a pleasant thing to see roses and lilies
glowing upon young lady's cheek, but bad
sign to see yonng mans face break out in
blossoms
tSruBs, my dear fellow, isu it about time
you repaid me that little loan p Augustus
my boy it ism question of time, but a ques-
ton OF money
''WHY not have a dumb waiter p suggested
friend.
Because" returned the other, Il have
tried them they don't ansper"
THERE are two Inconsistencies iu this world
that are hard to understand. Everybody is
anxious to 60 to heaven, but no one is in
hurry aboutit.
Why is young lady just graduated from
the female seminary like a building CON
miltee? Because she is ready to receive
proposals.
Ira shoemaker, in drawing TO his end,
wakes cold, aud gives up his awl before peg
ging out, what will become of his sole if he is
not able to breathe his last? That is the
question.
SAMRo had been whipped for stealing his
masters onions. One day he brought
skunk ia his arms. Says he: ''Massa, here's
dc chap dat steal de unions. Whew smell
him brcf!"
"WHar brought you to this prison, my col
ored frend?' 1.-TWO constables, sab. "
''Yes; but l mean, had intemperance any
thing to do with it?'' ''Yes, sab, dey was
bote of dem drunk
Az exchange pertinendy says: ''Tbe Odd
Fellows have had grand general jubilee.
Why don't the Odd Girls get up celeJra-
tion of some kind, and get even with the men
by marrying ?"
''PAnDY,' said a joker, ''why dom you get
your ears cropped-they are entirely too long
for man ?" ''And yours replied Pat,
'ought to be lengthened-tbey are too short
for an ass
Thomas. spell weather., said school
maste: to one of bis pupils.
"W-i-e-a.t-h-i-e-r, weather.
We'll, Thomas, you may sit down." said
the teacher. ~ think that is the worst spell
Of weather we have had since Christmas
A coLoRED servant sweeping out bacbe-
lor's room found sixpence on the carpet,
which he carried to the owner. ''You may
keep it for your honesty" said he. A short
time after he missed his gold pencil case, and
inquired of his servant if he had seen it.
.'Ges. sir, was the reply. 'And what have
you done with it?" ''Kept it for my hon
esiy, sirr'
A GIRL was forced into a disagreeable
match with an old man whom she detested
When the clergyman come to that part Of the
service where the bride is asked if she con.
sents to take the bridegro oom for her husband,
she said with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no,
SIR but you are the first person who has ask
ed my opinion about the matter"
DARIEY suffering from a severe attack Of
chlls was observed in one Of the streets Of
Louisville. His teeth we're cbaeering ike a
reaper under full headway He was eating
watermelon on the curbstoue, and some one
told him that eating it would give him the
chills. He looked up, with his mouth halt
full, and a slice in each hand, and shivered
out; Dis is de way ! tuck de ehills, eaten
desc tings. / got de chills on me now, boss
an | likes de watermelons better'n duz de
chills Kase dar amt no danger OBJ it maxim
me shake wusn'n duz. I'll eat disn'n if ]
dies fore git to de rines.
Dnrxk CLEAR THRoUoH.-Jenks, an ac
quaintance of ours, tells good one on him
self He says be lately spent an evening vita
a social crowd, aud when be went home was
considerably elevated that is he was
deuced tight. He was fortunate to find his
better half asleep. He went to bed, and,
after moments reflection, he thought it
would be policy to turn over, lest his breath
might betray him, when Mrs. jerks open
ed her eyes and, in the mildest manner in
the world, said "Jenks, you needn't turn
orer; yon're drunk clear through
/ DoN'r LIKE WIDowgRs.-In endeavoriug to
take census of the government, the officers
oecasionly meet with such difficulties as well
nigh deprive them of their senses. The fol-
lowing colloquy is said to have taken place
somewhere, between an officer and an Irish
woman
How many members have you in your
family2"
"Niver one
''When were you married ?''
"The day Pat Doyle left Tipperary for
America. All well mind it. A sun SINNER
day never giided the sky of old Ireland. y
What was the condition of your husband
before his marriage ~
.Divil man more miserable. He said
] if didn't give him promise within two
weeks be would blow his brains out with a
crowbar"
WAS he. at the time Of your marriage,
widower or a bachelorT'
A which A widower did You say All,
nov go away with your nonsense. Is it the
likes of me that would take up with second
hand husband. All legs and consumption,
Ike sick turkey? widowerl May be
; blessed if I'd not rather live an old maid,
and bring up a family on butter milk and pra-
ties Y
A CERTIFICAT OF SCHOLARSHIP in