Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1869-10-22
IIuImOr.

Spirit rappcrs-Bottlers.
A pair of tights-Two druakards.
A work of art-a fashionable lady.
A favorite word with women-the last
one.
The best thing in the bed Of the OCEAN
The sheet-anchor.
TIA young lady bids you take heart, does
it mean that you can take hers?
What is always offered at cost? The
law.
ssHalf the failures in life arise from the
pulling in ones horse as he is leaping y
Chaplin.
A clergyman who performed the marriage
ceremony is said to have read the hymn for
the choir, beginning with the words: 'Mis-
taken souls, who dream of heaven"
Bob" said young fellow at fancy
fair, you are missing all the sights on this
side" "Never mind, Bill, retorted Bob,
Il am sighting all the misses on the other.
Sammy. run to the store, and get some
sugar" Excuse me, ma /; Tn somewhat
indisposed this morning. Send father, and
tell him to bring paper of tobacco along"
A Vermont teacher asked his primary
class what makes the sea salt. A bright lit
tie urchin replied: because it is full of
Goldfish, SIR"
The following conversation was overhead
the other day 'Ah Jones' how are you
Where have you been % II have just re-
turned from Smiths funeral ''You don't
say so-have good time p
An Alabama editor, in putting grocery
kept by woman, says: ''Her tomatoes are
as red as her own cheeks; her indigo as blue
as her own eyes, and her pepper as hot as
her own temper"
A man attempted to spell crockery," re-
Gently, and proceeded thus: "Kraughkear
reighe, but expired in spasm before be
could make 'sy," with which he intended
to end the word
Upon the reading of the declaration of in
dependence at Ypsilanta, Michigan, by a
citizen Of that place, a gentleman from the
rural districts made this comment ''Oh, he
reads it well enough, but 1 don't believe he
wrote it."
Upon tombstone appeared this inscrip-
ton
"Here lies John Tug, snug as bug in rug"
A wag seeing this, and stone near by
with no inscription, wrote on it.
sHere lies John Tugger, snugser than the other
bugger."
The lady principal ola school, in her adj
vertisement, mentioned her female assistant,
and the reputation for teaching which she
bears y but the printer left out the (which"
so the advertisements went forth commend
ing the lady's reputation for teaching she
BEARS"
A gentleman remarked that -, who
used to be given to sharp practice, was get
ting more circumspect Eyes" replied
Judge Hoar of Massachusetts,, he has reached
the superlative Of life-hc began by seeking
to get on, then he sought to get honor, and
now he is trying to get honest"
s'How do you feel with such shocking
looking coat on % said young clerk of some
pretentions one morning to an old farmer
II feel" said the old farmer, looking at him
steadily, with one eye half closed, as if ia
king aim at his victim, II feel, young man,
as if [ had coat which was paid fora lux
ury of feeling which think you will never
experience"
Willie had an Uncle Charles who was
minister, and whom he saw for the first time
while on visit to him. Willie was an OBJ
serving little fellow of three years. The first
time they met at the table, Uncle Charles
bowed his head over the plate and asked
blessing. This was new service to Willie
who could hardly restrain himself, but spent
the time in examining his plate. Just as his
uncle concluded be turned it over and OBJ
serving the stamp Of the maker on the bot
tom, called. There's more on the other
side, uncle Charles say that"
A little boy was washed and dressed one
morning and sent to sabbath school, being
warned not to pass the smallpox hospital
During the exercises the teacher asked Geo
if he had ever been baptized. Smallpox
and vaccination happening to be uppcrmost
in Georges mind and being rather too young
to know the difference between baptized and
vaccinated and being ashamed to be thought
ignorant, he promptly and somewhat pomp-
ously answered:
"Yes. sir, have been baptized five OR
six times, but it never took"
A gentleman who follows the profession Of
school teaching on the Western Reserve in
Ohio gave out one morning as a reading les
son to his first class that portion of 1.-THE
merchant of Venice" in which the spound
of flesh" scene occurs. The reading finished
be asked the class what Shylock meant when
he said, my deeds upon my head.
Well, said the tallest boy, II don't know
unless it means he carries has papers in his
hat"
A new but obvious Interpretation, which
seems to have escape the astute Mr.. R. G..
White and other eminent Shaksperians.
MONEY OR BRA1Ns.-A young lady, both
pretty and witty, was prosecuted by the at
tentions Of poor and stupid young fellow,
who persisted in offering his hand and heart
until she refused point blank In despair
he determined to 60 to California and called
on her one evening to announce his inten-
ton, which he did in this manner; Il am
going to California on the first steamer, and
going to get rich. If can't get rich any
other way, shall 60 on the highway with
my pistols, and when a miner comes along
with bag of gold, l shall blow out his
brains and take his gold" 'No, John,
don't do that" said Miss, stake his
brains"
"No, I THANK YOU the so-called