Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1869-09-15
MatrimOny as n Science.


existence IN our prolific country, and its
headquarters are in the staid city of Phila-
delphla. Its full title is Matrimonial De-
partment of the First Progressive Christian
church III Philadelphia, " and its motto is
Let us search the world over, sitting the
wheat from the chaff, thereby improving
the human race" The founders state that
''they consider matrimony the highest and
holest function of the true church," and
| therefore they have constructed scheme
foe reducing matchmaking to a science and
precludlng in the future all she evils that
rise rise from random and hasty falling in love
Ihey issue confidential circular" which
gives the details Of the scheme and in
Stfucts seekers after the new science how to
avail themselves of it's advantages. There
IS to be no more meeting by the stile down
the lane, and catching the aque from fall
ing dews; no more rambles through wood
land paths Of uncertain destination; no
more writing of ingenious notes, to run the
FISK OF distortion and Tidicule; no more
reading of poetry together, with painful eff
forts to admire what the mind refuses to
dwell upon; no more money wasted on
concert tickets, bouquets and opera bon
nets; no more quoting of ''Jeannie Nor
rison;" no more sitting up o'nights, and
squandering oil and irewood; no more ne
ceSsity for absolute committal by timid
swain, or point blank refusal by tender
damsel; no more asking pa; no more break
neck elopements. All may now be done
with scientific accuracy, by the shortest
possible process, and at the least possible
expense of money andfeeliugs. The ''Mat-
rlmonial Department of the First Progress
i've Christian Church" keeps private book
Of registry, which will contain the name.
address, temperament, conditions of health,
circumstances, position, business, age, re-
ligious faith, habit, desires, etc., of each
applicant The applicant for registry
must remit five dollars if a gentleman, and
three dollars if a lady, Each is required to
fill ont blank form as to age, nativity, oc-
cupatiOn, tastes, etc. (; and heavy punish
ment is threatened to any one who may
prove dishonest in this part of the matter.
Short lectures are given to applicants to
prepare their minds for the solemn busi-
ness; and then begins the process Of match
ing or elimination.
The clerks of the bureau take each case
separately and from the registered descrip-
ton attempt to find one of the opposite sex
that corresponds. When this has been
done, they are allowed to see each others
photograph if they wish; but the pictures
the names of the parties. Unless all is
right, it goes no further, and new match is
sought for each; but if both applicants are
pleased, an interview is arranged, and the
rest is left to the natural promptings of the
heart, etc. When a marriage results, the
bureau expects present, in proportion to
the epecuniary ability OF the parties, though
this is not required. Applicants who from
peculiarly Of disposition or other circum-
stances apprehend difficulty in being suit
ed, or who are i'll q hurry to have the busi-
ness completed, may remit any sum from
SO to S1O0, and have it spent in adyertis-
ing for their especial benefit-the bureau
undertaking to find the proper partner if
he or she exists on the earth.
Of course all this is very absurd and very
ridiculous, as every reader will say; and
not few will condemn it as horrible
trifiing with a sacred institution. But in
truth it is only the logical carrying out Of
an idea that exists fragmentarily in the
minds of the majority Of every good people.
We venture to say that no contemplated
marriage was ever announced, but some
friends of either party declared they could
have arranged q better match, or
made careful inquiries as to age, ap-
pearance, income, ETC., and drew from
Insse circumstances Gne most conndent
conclusions as to the wisdom or folly of the
alliance. Nay more, there is probably not
one young pc son Of manageable age in
the land for whom older friends have not
arranged, audibly or secretly, q marriage
such as would suit them, and wished to see
it brought about, of opposed violently or
gently, one arranged without their assist
anee, and wished to see it fail OF course
all this is very proper and considerate; but
when it is reduced to q science and regu-
lated by bureau, it becomes absurd and
sacrilegious.