davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Tad Lincoln is attending school in Chicago,
where he occasionally gives evidence that he
possesses a share of his fathers droll humor.
His teacher the other day, with severity not
altogether unheard of, had inflicted the penalty
of ''marks" upon another boy for the misde-
meanor of blowing his nose. Pretty soon Tads
hand sgnalled the tutors eye, whereupon,
TUTOR (lOq). "Lincoln, what do you wish!"
TAD. "Want to go out, sir"
TUTOR "For what purpose?"
TAD. ITO scratch my head, SIR"
He goes.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
A N oRDINAN nee

N ORDIN NANCE
N To Authorize @ Loan for the Paymen
Ground Rents and Mortgages
Section l. The Select and Common Councils OF the
City of Philadelphia do ordain, That the Mayor of
Philadelphia be and he is hereby authorized to bor
row, at not less than par, the credit of the city
from time to time, seven hundred thousand dollars
for the payment of ground rents and mortgages held
against the city, for which interest not to exceed the
rate of six per cent per annum shall be paid, half
yearly the first days Of January and July, at the
office of the City Treasurer The principal OF said
loan shall be payable and paid at the expiration Of
thirty years from the date of the same, and not be-
FORE without the consent Of the holders thereof and
the certificates therefor in the usual form of the
tcates of city loan, shall be issued in such amounts
as the lenders may require, but not Or GIy fractional
part Of one hundred dollars, Or If required IN
amounts of five hundred or one thousand dollars
and shall be expressed in said certificates that the
loan therein mentioned and the interest thereof are
payable free from all taxes,
Section 2. Whenever any loan shall be made by
virtue thereof there shall be, by force of this OTdi-
nance, annually appropriated out Of the income Of
the corporate estates, and from the sum raised by
taxation, sufficient to pay the interest on said
certificates, and the further sum of threetenhs of
one per centum on the par value of such certificates
so issued shall be appropriated quarterly out of said
income and taxes TO a sinking fuBd, which fund
and its accumulations hereby especially pledged
for the redemption and payment of said certid-
Gates.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

THUNDER.-StOpping at village inn, there
came on thunder storm, and Captain Hall,
surprised that a new country should have
reached a perfection in these meteorological
manufactures, said to bystander, "Why, you
have very heavy thunder here "Well, yes"
replied the man, 1--WE d,t, considering the num-
Der of inhabitants"
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
JOHN CHINAMAN AND JONATHAN.

WHAT stirring, thrilling times are these;
Yankees hob-nob with the Chinese;
At our Delmonico's they dine,
And wash down rice with costly wine
From Paris and the Rhine.
Now JONATHAN says he believes
In pig-tails and celestial sleeves;
And he can overlook the sin
OF almond eyes and olive skin,
In men who have the tin
The Occident and Orient
Met and shook hands, and smiling spent,
(Although with heavy speeches bored),
An evening where the wine was poured,
A feast we could afford.
''Three cheers for friends across the seal
We give them "game," they give us tea;
SO here's health to Sun and FUNG,
In 'broken China and our tongue,
Three cheers from every lung
Long may their little chopsticks wave
Over the rice which feeds the brave;
And may no 'wooden nutmegs' be
No wooden hams of hickory
Exchanged for chests of tea.
May ''wooden heads with missions great,
Not represent our noble State;
But may we spotless keep the fame
Won by our ''gamy" BURLINGAME,
A man two nations claim.
These times the distant nations meet,
AS neighbors do, across the street:
They touch the telegraphic wire,
And thOupht flies off IN UinUs of fro
From pole to pole, and higher.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

A gentleman, seeing an Irishman fencing in
very barren desolate piece of land, said, 'What
are you fencing in that lot for, Pat 4? A flock of
sheep would starve to death on that land" "And
sure, your Honor, wasn't l fencing it to keep
the poor beasts ont of il 2' replied Pat
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

] heir feet can scarcely bear the load
OF beauty on the public road;
At home these dumpy darlings stay,
Because they cannot walk away,
To parties night and day.
Celestial cripples stumbling DER
Their husbands hearts and matted floor
The heavenly hobblers in their gait
Have LEARNED to labor and to wait
With heart for any fate"
Now, let the Chinese crackers blaze
This is one of our gala days
From continent TO continent,
We go on q grand mission sent,
Our flag starred like the armament!
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
KISSING.

KISSING.
"Men scorn to kiss among themselves,
And scarce would kiss a brother;
But women want to kiss so badly
They kiss and kiss each other.
A LADY REPLIES.
'Men do not kiss among themselves,
It's well that they refrain;
The bitter dose would veX them so
They ne'er would kiss again."
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
LEGAL NOTICES.

IN THE ORPHANS COURT FOR THE CITY
Il AND COUNTY OF PHILADELPHIA.
Estate of JOHN HATCHER, deceased.
The Auditor appointed by the Court TO audit settle and
adjust the account of CHARLES @. ". VANDERGRIFT
and BARBARA ANN VANDERGRIFT, administrators
d, b. n OF JOHN HATCHER, deceased, and to report
distribution OF the balance in the hands of the
ante win meet the parties interesed for the purpose
OF his appointment, on MONDAY July 12, 1869, az 8
o'clock p NJ. at the Office of E. IL THARP No 82 South
PhIFD etTSet, N the eg of Phliadslphia thstu 6J
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
RESOLUTION TO PUBLISH A LOAN BILL.

RESOLUTION TO PUBLISH A LOAN BILL.
Resolved That the Clerk of Common Council be
authorized to publish in two daily newspapers of
TINS city, daily for four weeks, the ordinance pre-
sented to the Common Council on Thursday, June
"a, 1869, entitled "An Ordinance to Authorize Loan
for the Payment OF Ground Rents and Mortgages"
and the said Clerk at the stated meeting of Coun-
CHS after the expiration Of four weeks from the
this Council one OF each of said newspapers for
made. a 06 OF
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

A fellow stole dog, and upon being detected
by the owner, promised to return the animal
next day. The individual received a package at
the appointed hour, on which was written,
'This is your dog" On openingit the astonished
man discovered ten pounds of freshly-made
sausages,
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
REAL ESTATE AT AUCTION.

IN PEREMPToRY sALE-oN THE PREMISES
- Thomas Sons Auctioneers- Coal Yard, Bnild-
ing Lots, Tracts OF Timber Land, Lumber, renee
Rails Posts Cords Of Wood, Kindllng, Horses, Har-
ness Wagon, etc, etc, at Berlin, Camden county,
n. D., ABOUT 10 mics southeast OF camden, on Jhe
Camden and Atlantic Railroad. ON Saturday, July
"a, 1869, at ~ o'clock noOn will be sold at public
sale, without reserve, on the premises, the following
No. 1.-Coai Yard-A lot Of ground, occupied as
coal yard, fronting on Washington and jefferson
N. j. the lot containing in front on jefferson street
SO feet, and in depth 1875 feet.
NO. 2-Building LOts-6 desirable building lots,
adjoining the above; each 40 feet 'front.' 125 feet deep
NO. s.-2Ok Acres of Timber, divided into Ia lots,
OF the depot. g. years to remove the timber.
NO: 4-Tract Of Land known "Domremy,"
tracts, each Of about 20 acres adapted to the growth
Oh cTanoerrles truck, and fruit Within miles OF
No, Sat the Depot, 1875 cords Of wood, red cedar
posts and boards, 1000 pine rails cypress Shingles
morse team wagon, harness, kindling wood, grind
given and the properties will be shown by Charles
French at Berlin nint Nj Sale. Sale absolute.
1910 II 23 Nos. 199 and 141 $. FOURTH Street
r=s PUBLIC sALE.-THoMAs & SONS, AUG
AL:M tioneers.-Valuable business stand Three
story brick store and dwelling, No. 6O South Fifth
Tuesday, July 49, 1869, at 10 O'clock noon, will be
sold at public sale, at the Philadelphia Exchange, all
that very desirable threestory brick messuage, with
twostory back building and lot of ground situate at
No. 6O s. Fifth street, Camden, New Jersey the lot
containing IN 'front.' on flltn- street ~ 1ee ana eA-
tending in depth of that width so feet then narrow
ing to ~ feet and extending still farther in depth
100 feetthe entire depth being $50 feet to William
street. The house is well built; has store, sitting
room, and dining-room on the first floor; paror,
chambers, and bath on the second floor, and 3
chambers on the third floor; gas hot and cold water
stationary washsands, range, furnace, etc. Terms,
$4,000 may remain on mortgage. Immediate possess
sion. May be examined any day previous TO sale.
See view at the auction store
NJ. THOMAS & SONS, Auctioneers,
T3s2t Nos. 139 and 141 5. FOURTH Street.
N=a REAL ESTATE.-THOMAS & SONS SALE.
:M Three Brick Dwellings, No. 1434 Cadwalader
street, north of Master street. on Tuesday, July 49,,
1862 at 10 O'clock nOon will be sold at public sale,
at the Philadelphia Exchange, all those brick mes
suages and lot OF ground situate the west side OF
Cadwaader street. 271 feet north OF Master street,
No 1434 containing in front on Cadwalader street
20 feet, and extending in depth so feet The inn
prOvements are two three-story brick and one two
story brick dwellings standing back off from the
street,, forming court. Subject to yearly ground
rent of S42. NJ THOMAS SONS, Auctoneers,
622 26 Z 10 Nos. 139 and l41 S. FOURTH Sire IT,
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Bridget" said mistress to her Irish servant,
where's the gridiron;" ''An shure, ma'am, Use
just after giving it to my sisters own cousin,
OFlaherty; the things so full of holes it's no
rood ut all -"
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

A boy who heard the quotation, "a little
learning is dangerous thing" wished to stop
going to school because he was afraid he should
not live long enough to get past the dangerous
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Two Irishmen were travelling when they
stopped to examine n guide-board. Twelve
miles to Portland, said one "Just six apiece, ="
said the other. And they trudged on apparently
satisfied at the small distance.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

young man told Dr. Bethune that he had
enlisted in the army of Zion. SIN which
church ?" asked the doctor. I'm the Baptist"
was the reply. II should call that joining the
navy" was the doctors response.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

An Irish girl, who plumed herself on being
employed in "genteel family" was asked a
definition of the term. "Where they have two
or three kinds of wine and the gentlemen swear"
was the reply.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10
CITY ORDINANCES.
COMMON COUNCIL OF PHILADELPHIA
4 n
PHILADELPHIA, June 25, Isl

UUIIC
In accordance with Resolution adopted by the
Common Council of the City of Philadelphia, or
Thursday, the twenty-fOurth day of June, 1862 the
annexed bill, entitled
can Ordinance to Authorize Loan for the Pay
ment Of Ground Rents and Mortgages - is hereby
published for public information.
JOHN ECKSTEIN,
Clerk OF Common Council
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

TRUE TO HAIR.-A somewhat juvenile
dandy said to a fair partner at ball, Don't
you think, Miss, my moustaches are becoming?"
To which she replied, ''Well, sir, they may be
COnlind. but they have not vet arrived
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Our eagle was about to soar,
Once, when he heard a lion roar.
He pounced upon him wi h his claws,
He plunged his bill into his jaws,
And didn't spare his paws.
Now, since the East has sought the West,
Why, let us do for it the best;
Let nothing but the waters flow
Between us while we better grow,
So tip the teapot low.
Let merchants risk their gain and loss,
Let missionaries plant the cross
In China, where CoNFUcIUs taught
Justice in deed and Truth in thought;
That things, not men, are bought.
In the celestial land where man
Wears wooden shoes and wields the fan,
The women keep in from the street,
Because their blessed little feet,
Though small, were never leet.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

On tombstone in a church-yard in Ulster is
the following epitaph:-' Erected to the memory
of John Phillips, accidentally shot as a mark Of
affection by his brother"
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

man who is advertising lodgings ito let for
early risers" adds:-'Cochn China fowls of I'M
usual vocal powers" are kept on the adjoinia s
Dremises
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

What religious sect should make the best
gardeners? The Bhudd-ists of the Flowery
| ~+N"N'J
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Why are corn and potatoes like the idols o
old? Because the former have ears and hca
not, and the latter have eyes and see not.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Why is parish bell like a good story BE
cause il is often toll'd
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Why is fashionable society like warming
pan F-Beeause it is highly polished but very
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

What author uses the most uncommon words /?
The compiler of dictionary.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Why do Irishmen resemble the waves of the
Atlantic ?-Because they never cease LAWN the
shores of the ould country"
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

o Mandarin now you must see
Our dear, sweet Goddess, Liberty.
She is a maiden passing fair,
With starry eyes and flowing hair,
And ail-Columbia air.
She wears no stockings on her feet
She does not need them in the heat;
But she is better dressed-just leok-
Than any girl in the Black Crook,
Where taste throws off her cloak.
And Broadway bellies so thin and pale,
Might copy from her gown trail,
On which it were not safe to tread,
Though spurred the heel and crowned the head
She pays some bills with lead.
JOHN BULL once stepped upon her gown,
And instantly she knocked him down;
She pulled his hair and boxed his ears,
Till on his knees he begged with tears,
And roared through hemisphcres.
For mercy roared, and pardon; she
Then let him up, but spoiled his tea
In Boston harbor, long ago;
But still his ears ring with the blow,
His cheeks are still aglow.
JOHN CHINAMAN should also see
Our Glorious Bird of Liberty.
Oh, could he see our eagles fly,
Widespread as they do in July,
Like shadows from the sky!
Their wings extend from sea to sea;
They perch on hills of victory;
Their talons touch the globe, and bear
The globe away through fields of air
Loud screaming everywhere.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

What word is that composed of five letters
from which if you take two one remains p
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

L0Na 0DDa-Ta1 husband aal short wlie.
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

Can man who avoids writing be considered a
en-shunner?
The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-07-10

picture of the pair. The result of hanging
the object too low.
|. A young man told DR.. Bethune that he had
enlisted in the army of Zion. SIN which
church ?" asked the doctor. I'm the Baptist"
was the reply. II should call that joining the
navy" was the doctors response.
TRUE TO A HAIR.-A somewhat juvenile
dandy said to fair partner at ball, Don't
you think, Miss, my moustaches are becoming?"
To which she replied "Wel sir, they may be
coming, but they have not yet arrived"
Two Irishmen were travelling, when they
stopped to examine guide-board. Twelve
miles to Portland, said one. "Just six apiece,
said the other. And they trudged on apparently
satisfied at the small distance.
A boy who heard the quotation, "a little
learning is a dangerous thing wished to stop
going to school because he was afraid he should
not live long enough to get past the dangerous
point.
Bridget" said mistress to her Irish servant,
where's the gridiron?" 'An shure, ma'am, Use
just after giving it to my sisters own cousin,
OFlaherty; the things so full of holes it's no
good at all"
An Irish girl, who plumed herself on being
definition of the term. "Where they have two
or three kinds of wine and the gentlemen swear"
was the reply.
A man who is advertising lodgings ito let for
early risers" adds" Cochin China fowls of I'M
usual vocal powers" are kept on the adjoinias
premises.
On a tombstone in a church-yard in Ulster is
the following epitaph:-" Erected to the memory
of John Phillips, accidentally shot as mark Of
affection by his brother"
Why are corn and potatoes like the idols Of
old Because the former have ears and hear
not and the latter have eyes and see not.
What word is that composed of five letters
from which if you take two one remains p
Stone.
Why do Irishmen resemble the waves of the
Atlantic ?-Because they never cease LAWN the
shores of the ''ould country"
Why is fashionable society like a warming
pan f-Beeause it is highly polished but very
What religious sect should make tbe hest
garuenersF The Bhudd-sts of the Flowery
Land.
What author uses the most uncommon words
The compiler of a dictionary.
Can man who avoids writing be considered q
pen-shunner?
Why is parish bell like good story BE
cause it is often toll'd.
] Long oDDs-Ta1 husband and short wife,
Litchfield enquirer., 1869-04-08
New Haven. March 27. 1869.

THr DANGERS or SPEAKING ENGLISH. - Paul de Saint Victor, the famous French critic, recently drove to Rambouillet, and met, in the omnibus, young American couple. sssMy fellow-passengers in the om- nibus were two Americans, young gen tleman. evidently in very af1uent eircum- ture, with the most delicate complexion, ancient family The young couple chatted as gsyly as possible. After making num- Der Of naive and amusing comments on the scenery through which we passed, they tufned their attention to me. They spoke very pure English, and understood eve ry word they said. The little lady thought I was very stern looking man. Her bus band dissented He thought I looked sad. The wife then paid a compliment Co my costume, but her husband said all French men were tolerably we'll dressed. Ifhou0ht it was sabout time to inform them that I understood their language, 90 I turned. to the husband and said, in French. sMon- sieur, although I do not speak your ian guage, l. understand it perfectly The blank look which he cast at me, satisfied me that he did not understand me. What did he say, ChaxiieY whispered the little wife. don't know, grovleds the hns- band. I then repeated, q best I could, in English, whatI nid before. This time they knew what I meant. The husband looked very confused, and the little wife turning scarlet, exclaimed % dearl Ohl dear ' They then begged me to excuse their indiscretion, and we entered into .
Litchfield enquirer., 1869-04-08
CROSSING A BAYOU
! BY W. H. H. MURRAY.

's1 was out hunting once," he said, in
 good Westernee which I shall not attempt to initiate, ''on this river 1.-the Mississippi1,
 and I came late in the day to bayou. My way lay down the river, and round that bayou was six or seven miles, while across it was only two or three hundred yards. didn't want to be belated, so I determined to try the bayou. There was no water in it; it was all mud, d,-that kind of slimy, greasy quick-mud that holds on to man, and slowly sucks him down in spite of all his strength. knew the danger, but I thought I could manage it. Hunting about I found two blanks washed up from some old flat boat, maybe years before
 With these Fstartsd out. stepping from one to the other, pulling first one and then the other from behind me, and putting it ahead, till I got to about the middle of the bayou.
 Every step had taken was more and more difficult. The farther went the more my blanks were sucked down by the devilish
 mud till I could stand up no longer, but
 was obliged first to sit down, and then to lie flat on my stomach, to divide my weight
 more equally. Hauling myself on to the foremost, would turn around as on piv- ot, grasp the plank behind, haul it along side, and then shove it ahead of me. Pret- ty soon had to help my hands with my
 teeth. for all the strength of both was need
 cd to raise the blanks from the quagnire
 that sucked them down. At last one of
 them sunk beyond my reach. Flat on my
 face on single plank. in the middle of the bayou, the mud rising around me ready to swallow me up.- I considered. could'n mt
 swim ashore, for I wasn't in the water; couldn't wade, for to stand up was to go
 down like plummet; to move six inches
 either way was sure death. No human aid could ever reach me; no human creature might pass that way for months; no house,
 no road was within miles of me. My only
 chance for life was another plank. That must have or lie there till I starved to death, or roll over and make an. end of it in the nasty mud. Then I remembered
 my jackknife. Getting it out of my pock- ct. cut under me, lying flat as I was, slowly and patiently upon the plank that long seasoning had made almost as hard as iron, till I cut it in two. ..as Then pulling myself forward on the farther half, I drew the hindmost ahead of me again, and Sd
 went on as before. I got out at last; but,
 stranger, I was the ugliest-looking white
 man when I crawled ashore that ever you
 did see!' He patted his long rife affection.
 ately, and added: "But I never parted
 with her!"-Aaantic Monthly .for April aa.
Litchfield enquirer., 1869-04-08

both sides-to be examined, but this uttei failure of the principal witness settled ths case. The counsel for the plaintiff threw up their briefs. The unhappy man was immediately ordered into custody by thu judge for wilful and corrupt perjury, and was received by a iavelin man in the neigh boring apartment. It was stated that there were about eighty witnesses in at tendance to disprove every alleged fact in his case; and the Smythe family spent some six thousand pounds in overthrow ing this monstrous claim.
 U He was afterwards tried at Gloucester for forgery. and sentenced to twenty years transportation. So heavy were the stakes for. which he had played-title and fortune on the one hand and transportation on the other. The whole history of this wonder full fabric of deception came out on the criminal trial The one strange fact was that he certainly had received some educa- ton at Winchester College. Otherwise there never was clearer case of imposture without even the slenderest basis for the huge super-structure of deceit. His own sister identified him as the plain work mans son. There never had been the least doubt about his name, though he had turned lecturer and assumed another. His career was traced step by step ; Itwas shown that he was man of bad character with large intermixture of the fool, and at one time had been under sentence of death for horse stealing.