The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1869-03-11
Mr.. wilkins on Velocipedes.

Mr.. Wilkins on velocipedes.
But Wilkins, l."
II tell you, Mrs. wilkins, I'm not
going to have it ; you may as well make
up your mind to that at once. No wo-
man shall ever 60 prancing around this
community on vclocipcde while she's
wife Of mine II can help it; so you
can just take that old pair Of wheels you
brought home and gladden. the heart Of
some kindling wood man with them,
FOR ride on them you don't; il you do
I'm Dutchman there"
Mr.. Wilkins you know L"
mo l don't know anything Of tho
kind. DO you think I'm going to let
such looking woman ~ you dress up
III Bloomers and mount high hat and
80 around trying to show Off Mut
figure"
"Mr. Wilkins"
"Go struggling around the thorouR h.
fares OF this town, looking like an old
be~r-cask propped upon two legs, and,
showing those ankles which are so
thick that you couldn't get one of them
through the equator:"
wilkins. I'll scratch"
"Wsll, l should think not. And. be-
sides, don't know whereabouts Oh thj,
terrestrial globe you expect to find any
wheels strong enough 70 boar you.-
You'd smash \ pair Of cast-iron car
wheels into smitheroens, the minute you
sat down on them. you would. The best
thing you can do il to walk, and on the
ground, too, where the crust of the
earth isn't thin; or else sit in front of
fire and melt down your avoirdupois."
"Mr. wilkins you're perfectly scan
dalous."
=" But Pm not going to put up with it.
l don't intend to have you ilopping
around town on velocipedc, and very
likely falling of and breaking your
bones, and then have a lot Of doctors
coming to my house and making post
nortem examinations, and saving you
up, aud discovering things with hard
Latin names in your lungs and your
liver, and your physique generally
Well, l should think not! It's bad
enough to have to submit to you now,
without having your gore split around
over the carpet, and a parcel Of saw wbones
blaspheming at your anatomy. T."
"Wilkins. Amt you ashamed to talk
so" ~
II want you to understand that II you
ride that velocipede | will sue for di-
vorce. don't believe in woman ex-
ercising her muscles on any such con-
trivance. You'd good deal better get
= scrubbing brush and go down and
tackle the front door steps with some
sand and chunk OF soap. That's the
kind Of exercise you want, in my opin-
ion."
"M:. wilkins, II you'll only listen"
"Or else practice carrying coal-scut-
tie up and down stairs every five min
utes all day. But as for the mother Of
. family, aud flabby old girl OF your
years undertaking to ride velocipeds,
why, it's simply ridiculous"
,'Mr. Wilkins, l."
"The next thing know, suppose
you will be parading yourself in the
papers as Madame wilkins, the Cham
pion Velocipedist,' and running mile
heats on the Nicolson pavement, for
hundred-dollar purses, best two out of
three. A beautiful spectacle won't it
be? And then I suppose you will want
me to bet on you and back you up; but
not one cent Of my cash do you get. Not
a single. solitary red. Do you suppose
] am going to throw away my hard
earned money on such fanatic as you?
Well, I should think not. would not
put up dollar on you if l was worth
untold millions. I'm not proud Of you;
I want you to distinctly understand
that"
"Mr. wilkins, that's all nonsense"
"And a pretty example you are set
ting to your children. Here only yes
teriay, Ho!fernes Montgomery made a
velocpede out of two -four barrels, and
when he and Bucephalus Alexander
tried to mount it, it broke down and hit
Mary Jane on the leg and Iamed her for
life, while Holfernes Montgomery fell
over the cat, which yowled and spitted
around and scratched Holfernes Mont
gomery over tho frontispiece, SO that
his beauty 10 destroyed forever, and he
looks moro like you than ever. say it
IL perfectly outrageous, aud I'm not
going to stand it,"
"Mr. Wilkins! o, II you'll listen III
!. .tnll xna., se.eafh hina aansss<Ssssss61