davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

HOW THEY COURT DOWN EAST.

Sally, the housema;d, pairing apples
in The corner. Enter Obadiah, who
seats himself in the corner opposite
Sally, without saying a word for fif-
teen minutes, but finally scratching
his head, breaks the silence with
There's a considerable
imperceptible alterin' in the weather
since last week"
Sally-"Taint so injudicious and so
dubitable cold as it was; thern0mi-
con has lowered up to one hundred
degrees higher than zenith.
Obaliah-''I think it's likely, for
the birds Of that specis fly great deal
higher in warmer days than cold ones"
Both parties assume a grave and inn
proving look, and a long pause ensues.
Finally, Obadiah gives his pate anoth-
er narrowing scratch and again breaks
the silence with
Obadiah-"We Sally, we chaps
are going to raise sleigh ride; it's
such inlmlcle good Sleddln' to-mor-
row suppose they'll have insatiate
good times ON it. / should be supenial
happy if you would disgrace me with
your company. / should take it as a
deropidary honor; besides we're car
culatin' to treat the gals well with ra-
sins and black strap"
Sally-"I should be supernatural glad
to disgrace you, but our folks suspect
company. | can't &C."
Obadiah sits a while, and at length
starts up as though new idea had
come upon him.
Obadiah-"Well, now, know what
I'll do. I'll go home and thrash out
those beans what have been lying down
in the barn such darned long while. :"
Exit Obadiah.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

dropped into the iron box.
The farmer is taxed on sall he has
the iron box full of bonds pay no
taxes.
The farmer supports the man who
owns the bonds, which are but notes
he must pay.
And the plows are everywhere.
The bonds are everywhere.
How came the plows in the fields?
Men placed them there to do great
work with.
How came the bonds there?
When thepeople were fighting aud
the plow idle in the furrow, those who
dare not fight dug holes and hid their
boxes. The Government filled them
with bonds, and placed stamps of ex-
emption thereon.
The bondhoIder planted bonds, and
his crop of gold is certain.
The farmer planted sons son battle
fields--he now works to enrich the
ones who own the Government, the
bonds, he plow, the land, the farmer
and the muscle of America every
where.
The plow and the bond.
We like the one and the man who
holds it.
We hate the other as we hate any
one or any government that robs labor
of its reWard.-N. T. Democrat.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

him marching in the rear of his regi-
ment, and carrying this officer on his
back
The for, my friends, it
was he-gave me one of these glances
that only he, or the eagle of the Alps,
could give, and said, st is well. You
have done very WELL" Then opening
his pelisse, he took the cross which
decorated his green coat, aud gave it
to me. At that instant was no long
er hungry, no longer cold; 1 felt no
more pain from my arm than if that
awkward beast had never touched it.
"Davoust," added the emperor, adj
dressing the officer who had spoken to
him, ''see this man and his captain
placed in one Of the baggage wagons.
Adieu I" And making me motion of
the hand, ne rode away.
Here the veteran ceased and resum-
ed his pipe.
"Bnt tell us what became Of Captain
Obstinate,' cried many impatient
voices.
1.-THE captain recovered, and is now
a general on the retired list. But the
best of the joke was that as soon as he
got well, he put me under arrest for
fifteen days, as punishment for my in
fraction of discipline. This circum-
stance came to the ears of Napoleon,
and after laughing, he not only set me
free, but promoted me to the rank of
sergeant. As to the decoration, my
children, here is the ribbon at my but
ton-hole, but the cross l wear next to
my heart.
And opening his vest, he showed
the precious relic, suspended from his
neck in a little satin bag.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

CRAwLED UP.-Once upon a time a
gentleman found in his henroost SIM
ple-minded soul of the vicinity, who
lived without visible means of sUp-
port.
"What are you doing here, you ras-
cal? Stealing my chickens ?"
"No, sir" was the response; 81
amt thought of doing nothing of the
sort"
1t unfortunately happened that the
simple minded individual wore high
straw hat, of the deminsions of bee
hive, and the crown thereof was dilap-
idated to a serious extent. Just as be
had put in his denial, the head of a
half grown pullet was seen to protrude
from the aperature,
'See there" said the gentleman ;
chow did the chicken get in your
hatv'
"Well!n exclaimed the simple min
ded individual, with an air of honest
surprise and embarrassment, "that is
the strangest thing that ever happen
ed to me. suppose the darned crit
ter must have crawled up my trow-
ers IegP'
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
EXTREME DELIcAoY.--"Is ther

EXTREME DELICACY.--"ls there
any thing the matter 90
"There is, sir" was the hosts savage
reply.
"Have ! given any offence?"
"You have, SIR"
"Really, am ignorant of it,"
"Well sir let me tell you such Ian
guage don't suit here"
"My dear, sir, what language? We
were only talking of soup"
"Well, sir, but you said or-taH!"
"Well, suppose did ?'
"Why, sir, it's that very word that
sent all the ladies blushing out of the
room-it's highly unbecoming Ian
guage-very improper indeed ~
'sBut my dear sir, what would you
have me say? / called the soup by its
proper name, didn't II"
''No, sir, you did not /, and wherev-
er you have occasion to speak of that
particular soup again, never say Oa
tail soup! Say Fty-disperser soup
that's the proper word, sir"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
ARTEMUs WARDS sPIRIToMErER.

Dolly Davenport, whose lives are as
numerous as his friends, tells a good
joke on himself, which occurred in
England during the time that the late
Chas. +. Browne (Artemu5 Ward),
was delivering his facetious lectures in
London:
Upon arriving in the English capi
tai, Dolly's first care was to pay visit
to his friend Artemus, and was met at
the door by a buxum lass. who asked
him in her bruadest cockney accent
for his card. Dolly, having forgotten
his name at home, substituted six
pense, which, with magical effect,
showed him to the door of Artemus'
room. Artemus was engaged in shay
ing, and turning around to see who
the intruder was he dropped razor,
paper and everything else. His face
assumed an aspect of terror, and he
commenced crouching around the
room, hugging the wall, until he
reached a huge trunk in the corner,
and, without saying a word to Dolly,
he pulled out bottle of the "cratur"
which he, with the same expression
of fright, placed on the center of the ta-
bic, and retreated to his corner. Dolly
walked up to the table, and raising the
stuff to his lips, took hearty swig.
4 shrek of joy came from Artemus,
who, with open arms, rushed toward
Dolly, and embracing him, exclaimed:
81 heard you were dead, hut now |
know it's lien The test had work
ed wonderfully.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

a few days ago gentleman whose
proboscis had been lost, was invited
out to tea. "My DEAR" said the good
lady of the house to her little daught-
er, 81 want you to be very particular,
and to make no remarks about Mr..
Jenkins nose" Gathered around the
table everything was going on well
the child peeped about, looked rather
puzzeld, and at last startled the table:
"Ma, why did you tell me to say
nothing about Mr.. Jenkins nose; he
hasen't got any ~
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

A young lawyer was examining a
bankrupt as to how he had spent his
money. There were about two thous=
and dollars unaecounted for, when the
attorney put on q severe, scrutinizing
face. and exclaimed with much self
complacency, "Now, sir, l want you
to tell this court and jury how you
used those two thousand dollars Pr
The bankrupt put on serio-comic
face, winked at the audience and eX-
claimed, "The lawyers got that ~
The judge and audience were conval
sed with laughter, and the counselor
was glad to let the bankrupt go.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

STANDING BY FRIEND.-In the
flush times of Nicksburg, when the
phrase "hard ease" meant something
more than it does now, Harvey Jenk-
ins was admittedly one of the hardest.
By some strangeaccident Harvey found
himself at church one evening. The
sermon being over, the preacher re-
quested all who were friendly TO re-
ligion to rise and hold up their hands.
The whole audience apparently were
on their feet. After they were seated
the minister continued:
snow if there is a single one here
who desires to see Satin and his king
dom prosper, he will rise and hold up
his right hand"
Harvey, with some difficulty, got
to an erect position, and said:
"Had the vote been less unanimous, I
should have retained my seat; but /
make it point of honor never to a.
bandon friend under adverse circum-
stances"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

INTERESTING TO HUSBANDS AND
WIDows.-An interesting case has
just been decided by the Supreme
Court of Ohio. A husband died and
willed all his property to his wife so
long as she remained widow. In
case of her contracting a marriage, the
property was to revert to the children.
She did marry, and brought suit 20
recover her dowry. The Court decid-
ed that her acceptance OF the conditions
imposed by the will was a bar to any
further claims. She therefore cannot
live with her second husband and
draw her support from the first. Wild
ows will take note, and, contest such
wills in season if they are not quite
sure that their love is undying, and
life of WidoW-hood is there choice.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

People who are resolved always to
please, at all events, frequently over
shoot the mark. A lady of this sort,
going to friends house, one morn
ing, ran to the cradle, as soon as she
came in, to see the fine boy Unfor-
funately the cat was occupying The ba-
by's place, but before she could discov-
er her mistake, she exclaimed, with
uplifted hands, 'Oh, what sweet
child, the very picture of its father.n
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

BAKED APPLE DUMPLINGs.-Se-
lect smooth, even-sized apples; peel,
core them, and fill the cavities with
sugar and little cinnamon. Divide
your paste into as many parts as you
have apples. Roll each one out square,
and inclose the apple in it, slightly
wetting the edge to make it stick.
Bake in shallow pan, and eat with a
dry sauce made of butter and sugar
beaten together.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

A lady out with her little boy and
girl, bought the boy rubber balloon,
which escaped him and few up in the
air. The girl seeing tears in his eyes,
said "Never nina it, Neddy; when
you die and go to heaven you'll dit
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

"Oh, my prophetic SOUL my uncle ~
Beecher is prophesyinga new rebellion
and division of the Union into four
pieces. We hope neither Henry Ward
nor Ma'am Stowe will come on cur
nieca
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

kitty, where's the frying PAM"
Johny's got it carrying dirt and oys-
ter shells up the alley, with the cat for
a horse" "The dear little fellow
what a genius he'll yet make; but 60
and get it. We're going to have COM
pany, and must fry some fish for sup
nor -
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

Another instance of Massachusetts
morality appears in case in Court, in
which two men snapped wives, and i,
as no divorces had been procured the
men were each married to two wives :;
the women to two husbands.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
T II 1 E F i.

II III | E f
He has been travelling about humbugging drug
rists and private parties, mixing up aud selling
base eorIpound which he calls WOLCOTTS
PAIN PAINT All of Woleott's genuine reme-
dies have a white outside wrapper (3otfh stgAa-
tire layge) Look out for counterfeits
Six Pints of WeLC0TT S ANNIHILATOR for
Catarrh and Colds in the head, or one Pint OF
Pain Paint, for Ulcers or Pain, sent free OF ex-
press charges. on receipt of the money at lol
chatham Square n. Y or one Gallon of Pain
Paint double strength) for $50, Small bottles
sold by all Druggists X l.. WoLCoII-
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

Il despise mankind, said an arrogant
fellow to clergyman. i see you
have studied your own nature deeply
was the quiet reply.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

"Lenny, you're pig" said father
to his little fiveyear old boy. NOW,
do you know what pig is, Lenny ?''
eyes, sir; a pig is hogs little
boy."
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
Ii. ] never did take much interest in
HaYti, anyhow.
MARK TWAIN.

MARK TWAIN.
p. ST. understand it all now. i
have been talking with the Captain.
It's very simple when one eompre-
hends it. The fact is, the war has
been raging so long that Haytien cred
it is about dead, and the treasury very
dry. Therefore one dollar in gold will
buy eighteen hundred to two thousand
dollars worth of Haytien greenbacks,
according to the tenor of the current
war news. | wish / had my valise
back .-Bafaio Express.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
TERMS OF PUBLICATION.

FEEBEDFoRD GAzRTFEis published every Ihurs-
3,v morning by MEYERS & MENGEL, at 81 90 per
aanum, # pant strSctiy 1a adraRes $500 II paid
within six months; $500 if not paid within six
months All snbscriptt0n aceea"ts Must Dc
ssttiea annually No paper will be sent out OF
the State unless paid for ADVANCE, and all suen
inscriptions will invariably be discontinued al AZ
the expiration Of the time for which they are
aid.
All ADVERTISEMENTS for less term INA"
three months TEN CENTS per line for eaen IN
-, srooial notices one-half additional All
esoIutisns of Associations; communications OF
,u,ited or individual interest. and notices of mar
riaoes and deaths exceeding five lines, ten cents
per line Editorial notices fifteen cents per line
AYlegat Notjees Of sUsry kiRa, and Orphans
Court and Judietai Sales, are required 6y lar
be published IN both papers pu5itsasd 9" f4's
yfaee
3y- All advertising due after first insertion
A liberal discount is made to persons advertising
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

"Mother, Pm afraid fever would
go hard with me-" "Why, my son?"
"Cause, you see, mother, I'm so small
that there wouldn't be room for it to
turp -
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
MARK TWAIN EKAYTT.


Arrived at my hotel, 1 asked the
small colored boy what owed him
for carrying my valise.
"Nine humid dollars, sah."
| tainted
Wheu / came to, a number of people
were about me, applying restoratives,
and doing what else they could to help
me. The soulless, colored boy was
standing there, cold and serene.
I said:
"How much did you say, boy?"
"Nine hund'd dollars, sab, reg-lar
price, sah."
IappeaIed to the bystanders for pro-
lection. An old gentleman of noble
countenance and commanding pres
ence said the boy was right-he was
charging only the usual rate. | look
ed at the other faces. They all mutely
endorsed the venerable conspirator's
statement.
| sadly handed the boy a thousand
dollar bill. He walked off.
was stupefed with amazement.-
Gentlemen, / said, "what does this
mean? Theae's hundred dollars
change coming to me-"
"True," the old party said "but it is
not the custom to regard trifle like
that"
Stunned and dizzy, hurried to my
room and threw myself on the bed, al
most satisfied that had lost my reas-
on. | applied tests. | repeater the
multiplication table without mistake.
1t was plain my comprehension of
numbers was unimpaired | repeated
''The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck"
without blunder. 1T was plain my
memory was sound. l read one of
Mrs. Browning's poems, and clearly
understood some of it. 1T was plain
that my intellectual faculties were in a
condition of even unusual vigor.-
Then, what in the world was the mat
ter? Had l not suddenly developed
a monomania? a craziness about mon
ey ouly?
/ wandered round the town for three
hours, as crazy as a loon-perfectly
desperate 1t was plain enough to me
now that had gone crazy on the sub
iect of money. How had ever come
to do such thing is mystery, for /
had always been q sort of spendthrift,
4 a man who had never worshipped
gold or greenbacks to any alarming
extent. But was reluctant to accept
the situation, anyhow, and so | said
to myself that by this time Charley
must have bought all the things we
! wanted, and got the bills to the hotel
| would go and pay them. | would
see if this dismal halluciuation was in
| force. When | arrived, | told the
landlord to make out his bill and add
the tradesmen's bill to it, and give it
! to me as quickly as possible L sat
down 10 wait-a smothering volcano
of anxiety and impatience-fOr if my
mind was not straight by this time, L
dreaded that my madness might in
crease under my distress and drive me
to commit some fearful crime. Ishud-
dered presently when thought i felt
a desire creeping through me to spring
on decrept old man near me and
throttle him. | moved away and
turned my back, and then oovertly
threw my pocket knife out of the win
! dow. Now the bill came. | read
| thus-I translate:
Mark Twain to Kingston House DR..
! To room rent two persons. .$3 600
/ To removing baggage TO room. ........ 900
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
old ARMS WANTED

oID ARMS WANTED
Y ESharp's Cartines and Rides,
Henry's l6 Shot Carbines and Rifles,
Spencer Carbines and Rifles,
Colts Navy Pistols.
Colts Army Pistols
Remington's Army or Navy Pistols,
Smith Wesson 3 q shot Revolving Pistols
Parties having any of the above arms in any
quantity from single arm upward can find lib
eral cash purchaser by addressing
CHAS. A. WILSON,
noy25w3 Jersey City, N. j
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

A lady cought her husband break
ing her hoops. Two hours afterwards,
the unfortunate man was seen at a drug
store purchasing hair restorative.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
DEST CABINET ORGANS AT
II LOWEST PRICES.

That the MASON A HAMLIN CABINET and
METROPOLITAN ORGANS are the best IN the
world is proved by the almost unanimous opinion
Of professional musicians, by the award to them
of SsUentg-E EiUe Gold and StkUeT IHeaakS or 9TH
er highest premiums, at principal industrial com
petitions within few years, including the Medal
at the Paris Exposition, and by a sale very much
greater than that of any similar Instruments
This Company manufacture frst-efGss tRsfrH-
aqeRts and will not make ''cheap organs ut any
price. or suffer an inferior instrument to bear
their name Having greatly increased their Ia
cIlties for manufacture, by the introduction OIL
new machinery and otherwise, they are now
making Better Organs than ever before, at IN
creased economy in cost in accordance with
their fixed policy of selling always at least re-
nunerative profit they now Offering at Prl-
ces of Inferior Work. Four Octave Organs, Plain
Walnut Case, $50. Five Octave Organs, Double
Reed, Solid Walnut Case, carved and paneled,
with Five Stops Viola, DsaPason, Meiodia,
Flute, TremulanD, SIPS. Other styles in pro-
portion.
Circulars, with full particulars, including Ac-
curate drawings of the different styles Of organs,
and much information which will be of service to
every purchaser of an organ, will be sent tree,
and postage paid, to any one desiring them
MASON l. HAMLlN ORGAN Co,
l54 fremont St, Boston $50 Broadway, n l.
wA
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

tOne square to occupy one inch OF space.
JOB PRINTING of every kind, done with
peatness and dispatch. THE GAZETTE OFFIcE has
lust been reftted with Power Press and new type,
and everything in the Printing line can be execu-
red in the most artistic manner and at the lowest
rates.-TERMS CASH.
E9~AIl letters should be ADDRESSED to
MEYERS & MENGEL,
D,,bI
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

"My wife, said wag the other day
"came near calling me honey, last
night"
"Indeed! how was that ?''
"Why, she called me old beeswax. !"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
EEG M0RDItS.

What kind of sweetmeats did they
have in the ark? Preserved pairs.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
4ftisffllaneOa5.

I was cured of Deafness and Catarfh
- II" - ~..n,edy and viii send the receipt
f-se ~ a s'' Mrs. NJ. G. LEGGETT, Hoboken, N I
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

CECOND AND LAST NOTICE.
- We have extended our Notice till the 18th
Of December, after which time the booke of Geo.
Blymyer, Geo. Blymyer Son and B. M. Bly,
myer CO., will be placed in the hands OF Esq,
Nieodemus for Settlement, without respect to
persons. nov % 1859, w3.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

/ got 1.-THE breath Of fresh air. l
walked gently around the corner,
whistling unconcernedly. And then
glanced back, and seeing nobody
watching me, sauntered toward the
American packet ship at the rate of
about ten or eleven miles an hour
| picked rp Charley on the way. He
hid between decks couple of hours,
till the vessel was out of the sight OF
land, and the cigars and things-the
landlord had them. / trust he has
them yet. We have parted to meet
no more. / have seen enough of Hay
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

Two hundred and ninety-five thous-
and four hundred dollars. read this
bill over deliberately six or seven
times, and never said a word, Then |
said / would step out and get breath
of fresh air,
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

THE BEDFORD GAZETTE is the
Y best FAMILY paper published in Penna.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. IN ONE LARGE
OCTAVE V0LUME-NEARLY S0GPAdES
PRINTED IN ENGLISH AND
GERMAN 33 ELEGANT
FULL PAGE EN-
CRAVINGS.
1t embraces Forty Years Roeolleetions of his Bu-
sy Life, as a Merchant, Manager, Banker, Lee
tYrer. and Snowman. No book published 50 ac-
ceptibie to all classes. Every one wants it. A
gents average from so to 100 subscribers week
We offer extra inducements. Illustrated Cata-
logue and Terms to agents sent tree. J. b;
RfIRR 4 90 Pubs Hartford Conn. InoyIIw8
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

Close or open, Plain or Ribbed Work,
with any kind of fine wooden yarn, or cotton, silk
or linen. It will knit stockings with double heel
and toe, drawers, hoods, smoking caps, comforts,
purses mufs, fringe, afghans, nubias, under
sleeves mittens, skating caps, lamp wicks, maps,
cord, undershirts, shawls, jackets, cradle bIan-
kets, leggns, suspenders, wristers, tides, tip
pets t1fted work and in fact an endless variety
Of articles in every day use, as web as for orna-
ment.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16

U was cured of Deafness and Catarrh
Z by a simple remedy and will send the receipt
free MRS NJ. C. LEGG EFT; Hoboken, N J.
pOyI 1w4
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1869-12-16
A,isfeilauf0ns.

THE INQUIRER
B o 0 K S T o r E,
opposite the Mengel House,
BEDFORD, PA.