The Portland daily press., 1869-09-15
DAILY PRESS.
PORTLAND
UTol.osl. NJ. o1.l.- TX 1000
7 he Last Words of Great Men.
PORTLAND

BY MARK TWAIN.
Marshal Nel's last words wer-: "L'armee fran
cdisen' The French army )-Er rchanoe
What a sad thing it is to see man close a
grand career with plagiarism in his mo .th
Napoleon's last words were "Tete ddrmee"
Head of tne army.) Neither of those re-
marks amount TO anything as last words"
and reflect little credit upon the utterers. A
distinguished man should be as particular
about his last words as he is about his last
breath. He should write them out on slip
Of paper and take the JUDGMENT of his friends
on them. He should never leave such thing
to the last hour of his life, and trust to an in
telectual squirt at the last moment to enable
him to say something smart with his latest
gasp and launch into eternity with grandeur.
No-a man is apt to be too much tagged and
exhausted, both in body and mind, at such a
time, to be reliable; and may be the sery
tning he wants to say he cannot think of to
save him; and besides. there are his weeping
friends bothering around; and worse than all,
as likely as not be may have to deliver his
last gasp when he is not expecting to. A
| man cannot always expect to think of a nat
ty thing to say under such circumstances,
and so it is pure egotistic Ostentation to put
it of. There is hardly case on record where
man came to his last moment unprepared
and said good thng-hardly case where a
| make solemn botch OF it and 90 out of the
world feeling absurd.
Now there was Daniel Webster. Nobody
| could tell him anything He was not afraid.
! He could do something neat when the time
came. And how did it turn out? Why, his
will had to be fixed over; and then all his re-
lations came; and first one thing and then
| another interfered, till at last he only had a
chance to say Il still live," and up he went
n ha Ip,t ct,l he,
died-and so he might as well have kept his
last words to himself as to have gone and
made such failure Of it as that. A week
before that, fifteen minutes of calm reflect ion
would have enabled that man to contrive
some last words that would have been cred
| it to himself and a comfort to his family for
generations to come.
And there was John Quincy Adams. Re-
| lying ON his splendid abilities ard his GOODNESS
in emergencies, he trusted to happy hit at
the last moment to carry him through, and
House of Representatives, and he observed,
casually, "this is the last of earth" The
| last of eaIth! If he had said it was the last
| rose of summer, or the last run of shad, it
would have had just as much point to it,
What he meant to say, was, adam was the
first, and Adams was the last of earth," but
he put it off a trife too long, and so he had
W ~ Win thaI uulheanlhS ouseI'alion vi
his lips.
And then we have Napoleon. Tett
darmGe." That doesn't mean anything
| Taken by ITSELF "Head of the army" is nc
more important than "Head of the police
| And yet that was a man who could have said
| good thing if he had barred out the doctor
and studied over it awhile. And this Mar
shal Neil, with half a century at his disposal
could not dash off anything better in bis
last moments, than poor plagiarism of an
other mans last words which were not worth
plagiarizing in the first place. "The French
| armyW Perfectly irrelevant-perfectly flat
utterly pointess. But if he had closed one
eye significantly and said, "The subscriber
has made it liuety for the French army" and
| then thrown a little of the comic into his
last gasp, it would have been thing to
remember with satisfaction all the rest of his
| lie. l do wish our great men would quit say
ing these fiat things just at the moment they
| die. Let us have their next-to-their-last
words for while, and see if we cannot
/ patch up something from them that will
be little more satisfactory. The public doe
not wish to be outraged in this way all thu
| time.
But when we come to call to mind the las
words of parties who took the trouble t.
make proper preparation for the occasion, W
Immediately notice happy difference in tn
result.
There was Chesterfield. Lord Chesterfield,
had labored all his life to build up the mos
shining reputation for affability and elegance
of speech and manners the world has eve
seen. And could you suppose he failed t.
appreciate the efficiency of characteristic
fast words" in the matter of seizing the sue
cesSiully driven nail of such reputa ion ant
clinching it on the other side for ever? No
he. He prepared himself He kept his eve
ON the clock and his finger ON his pulse. BE
awaited his chance And at last, when he
knew his time was come, he pretended to
! think new visitor had entered, and so, with
the rattle in his throat emphasized for dra,
matic effect, he said to the servant, "Shr
around John, and get the gentleman chair
And then he died, amid thunders of applause.
Next we have Benjamin Franklin. Frank
lin the author of Poor Richards quaint say
ings; Franklin the Immortal axiOm-builder
whO used to sit up nights reducing the rank
est old threadbale platitudes to crisp ant
snappy maxims that had a nice, vanished
original look in their new regimeptals; who
said Virtue is its own reward" who saiC
"frocrastination is the thiet of time;" who
said "Time and tide wait for no man." ant
Necessity is the mother OF invention:" goo,
old Franklin the Josh Billings OF the eight
eenth century-though sooth to say, the lat
| ter transcends him in proverbial origlnalit
as much as he falls short of him in correct
ness of orthography. What sort of tactics di
Franklin pursue? He pondered over his las
words for as much as two weeks, and the
when the time came he said "None but tt
brave deserve the fair" and died happy. III
could not have said a sweeter thing had \
lived till he was an IDIOT
Byron made a poor business of it, an
could not think OF anything to say, at the las
moment, but "AuguSta-sister-Lad
tell Harriet Beecher Stowe"-etc., etc.
but Shakespeare was ready and said, "Ene
land expects every man to do his duty!" an
went off with splendid eclat.
And there are other instances of sagaciou
preparation for a felcitous closing remark
For instance.
Joan OF Arc said-"Tramp, tramp, the boy
are marching"
Alexander the Great said-"Another of, O
those Santa Cruz punches, if you please"
The Empress Josephine said-"Not 70
Jo-" and could get no further.
Cleopatra said-"rhe Old Guard dies bu
never surrendersW
Sir Walter Raleigh said -"Executionel
can take your milestone moment, please
John Smith said-"Alas, l am the last
my raceW
Queen Elizabeth said-.Oh, / would Civ
my kingdom tor one moment more-I hay
forgotten my last words"
And Red Jacket the noblest Indian BRAY
that ever welded tomahawk in defense of
friendless and prosecuted race, expired wit
these touching words upon his lips: "Vdu
6do1dmpdnOOsuc, rinnebdgOUdlla,c0ll 0lldsag,
moresdkotcheaoan." Tehre was not dry ey
in the wiswam.
Let not this lesson be lost upon our publ
men. Let them take a healthy moment ft
preparation and contrive some last wore
that shall be neat and to the point. Ii
Louis Napoleon say:
II am content to follow my uncle, still
do not desire to improve on his last word:
Put me down for tete d'armee."
And Garrett Davis; Let me recite the un
abridged dictionary"
And III. c.: Il desire now, to say a fey
words on political economy"
And Mr.. Bergh: "Only take part of me 9
at time if the load will be fatiguing to til
hearse-horses."
And Andrew johnson: 81 have been a
alderman, member of Congress, Governo
Senator, Press--adeu, you know the rest
And Seward: "Alas!-ka."
And Grant: CO."
All of which is respectfully submitted wit
the most honorable intentions.
; MARK TWAIN
P. ST. am obliged to leave out the illu
trations, this time. The artist finds it in