Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1869-09-21
Las7ach for HaG72eO2'iStS.


A base drum-A weak connundrum.
Is getting tight the result of loose habits
Some lawyers resemble folks who can sleep
in any position. 1t is immaterial on which side
they lie.
Why is the relief to besieged city like the
birth of child The long expected succor has
come at last.
The following notice may be seen at black
smiths shop in Essex: mo horses shod on
Sunday 'cept sickness or DEATH
Under the head of 'broken English Paris
paper places such Londoners as get mashed up
by railroad collisions, or who financially come
to grief.
The man who did the thing fright up to the
handle" must have been in the milk business,
and at about that period was at the watering
place.
s'Do you seek consolation for your sorrow in
drink p asked pious old lady of an intern
perate fellow, who was something of a wag.-
eyes in horn, was the laconic reply.
A genius out West has just patented ma
chine for making chestnuts out of sweet pota-
toes He is brother to the old man who put
handles to prickly pears and sold them for cur
rycombs. .
The reason the clergy leave the city in the
heated term is because they feel that the state
of the weather will sufficiently remind their
focks of their future state Of existence without
any need of instruction from the pulpit
A child on being shown the picture of ''Dan-
iel in the Lions Den" was affected to tears
Don't greve, Pet. said the mother, he was
not devoured." ''P % not crying for that" was
the reply; 'but do you see that little lion in
the corner, mamma? Well. Tn afraid he wont
get any, for Daniel is so small he won't 60
around.
The rose of Florida, the most beautiful of
flowers, emlts no fragrance the bird of Para
disc, the most beautiful of birds, gives no song;
the cypress Of Greece, the finest of trees, yields
no fruit. In like manner. handles, the shiniest
Of men. have no sense; and ballroom bellies
are very often ditto-not upfrequently little
more so.
"Dang me, if don't believe the worlds a
wheelbarrow," said jolly inebriate, as he roll
ed along the pavement, land [ am the wheel
revolving on haxis; now IN in the mud
says he, as he fell headlong into the gutter,
''and now I m on dry land" as he crawled on
the curbstone; his concluding remark, as his
boots following his head down an open cellar
way, was: NOW the wheel is broken, and the
vehicle is out of fix. -.-
A mounted officer was riding by field in
which there were some pple trees aden with early
fruit and some struggling persimmon-trees COW
cred with green persimmons. He saw some
soldiers attempting to hide, and at once sus-
pected that they were robbing the orchard. =
So he halted, and the following coloquy took
place: "Halloo, what are you doing there p
said the officer. 1--WE came to get some per-
simmons" ''Apples, [ suspect. Why, the
fo oh
your mouths That's just what we want
with them. We want to make our mouths lit
tie to suit the size of our rations - aE@
The Detroit Free. Press wants modern i'm
provements worked in school reading books,
and offers the following as sample of the sort
that would be up to the spirit of the age:
longs to No. 10 IF you are good boy, you
will some day be an angel like that fireman
1t is dangerous thing to be fireman. They
sometimes get their heads broken.
do you see that small boy? He is good |
boy, and supports his mother by selling news
papers. His father don't have to work any
more now.oa y.F -
'Here is the picture of young widow. See
how sad she looks Her husband could not |
pay her dry goods bills, and so he-died. Do |
you think she will get another man? She will |
try hard. gl.f -
Here is the face of a reporter. See how |
joyful he looks. He has just heard that a man |
cut his own throat, and he is going for the |
item. Should you like to be reporter, and
get licked on dark nights, and see dead persons
and climb up four pair of stairs ?''
--e- AA
The local editor Of the Detroit Free Press
writes quarterly report" which closes in the
following conplacent, philosophical language:
The old lady who gave us fve-cent dish of
ice cream in payment for a column article on
the health-giving qualities of that article. must
look for her reward beyond the skies LANGUAGE
falls The gentlemen who have been most for
ward in giving us early information about MR.
ders, suicides, poisoning cases, and robberies
will never be forgotten that is, except that
fellow who kept still until the other locals had
been over and got the first view of chan who
had beautiful cash in his throat from ear To
ear. We owe no man cent; this is our great
est pleasure, and one brought about by a gen.
eral disincination on the part of the public to
trust. If anything has happened that we have
not heard of, We can't help it; we would have
heard of it if we could If anybody's house
was burned up, or his wife run off with anotb-
er man.. or one of the children fell from the
third story window, or the whole family died Of
cholera or smallpox, and it has not been pub
lished, we must be held blameless; we'd have
taken great pleasure in writing it up.
In closing, we must say that we had hoped
to enter upon this quarter by having as many ,
as three quarters in our vest; but as these
things were ever thus, our lament will awaken
no response from the friends who know us but
m 1--we rs f-