The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1869-10-01
The RaccOOn.
BY JOSH BILLINGS.

TIE Raccoon liz residentoy the United
States ov vAmerica; he ernigated tew this
country soon after its discovery by Colum-
bus, without cent, and nothing but hiz
claws tew git q living with. ECiin(
He il one ov them kind Ov persons
whsze hide IL worth more than all the rest
oy him. siH - mn
He resides among the heavy timber, and
cultivates the cornfields and nabring gar
den sass for Sustenance, and understands
hiz bizzness. q" .t+it1 q '+tf TH
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three
children, who liy with him on the inside
Ov tree. ~. a.. Fg ,-,
He can alwus be found at home during
the day, reddy tew receive calls, but
hiz nights are devoted to looking after hiz
own affairs. .... ..Lu
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which
IL round, haz rings on it. ~, ,
Theze rings are ov the same material
that the tail IL, and are worn upon all oc-
casions. Hae 1oi- ~
During the winter he ties himself up
into hard not and lays down by hiz fire.
side.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes
out tew see how the chickens hav wintered
Hiz life is az free from labor az new
penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and
the rest ov mankind, the faccoOn would
find what everybody else haz lost-a
heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin
him, and what there is left ov him amt
worth cuss lH'i1
He is not natural vagabond like the
hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be
civilized and liv among follsi but he haz
one vice that the smarteSt missionary on
earth kant redeem, and that IL the art nv
stealing.
He is seckond only tew the crow in petit
larceny land viii steal what he kant eat
nor hide. s1s.s., ,qe.i.. nil ss
he will tip over barrel ov, apple sass
Just for the fun ov mauling the sass with
his Get, SndsViIl pun put the ping ov the
mo,lassis, hot 'bekause he luvS Susaf emmy
better than he duz young duck, but jist
tew see if the molhssis haz got good
daub to it.
l hey studded animal deviltry for eigh-
| teen years, bekause themOfe deviltry in an
animal, the more human he il.
I can't find, by searching the passenger
! list, that Noah had coon on board, but l
am willing tew bet 10 pound Ov mutton
sassage that mister coon and hiz wife
commuted, by stealing ride.
| Inever knu raccoon tcw want emmy
thing long that he could steal quick.
Ennybody, who haz ever looked coon
right square in the face, will bet yu dol
lar that he is dead beat, OF under five
hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into biz
| ness for the next ninety days.
hev had tame coons by the dozen,
they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu
take them young enuff, but l kant advise
! ennybody to cultivate coons they want az
mutch looking after az . blind mule on q
| tow path, and thare amt enny-more profit
| in them than thar liz in stock dividend on
4 the Erie Rail road. - s.r aii IA d
Inever wuz out ov a pet animal since |
ken remember, till now, but hev gone
/ out ov the trade forever; lately discovered
that it wuz good deal like making a
whissell cut ov kats tale, running COM
Portable tale, and reaping kursid mean
/ whissel.. rsda jHsGiil ,d,oi1ll sase
Raccoons liv tew be Go years old, If they
miss the sosiety ov men and dogs enuff,
but thare amt but few ov them die ov old
age the northwestern fur company are
the great undertakers Of the coon family.