The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1869-02-06
VARIOUS ITEMS


"I'll take the responsibility. as Jenks
said when he held out his arm for the
baby.
Queen Victoria is unpretendine enough
now but no one can deny she has niyen
herself heirs
1t is strange that time and tide wait
for no man. Things that are tied are
usually compelled TO wait
An editor out West boasts of bavino
had talk with woman and cot the last
word.
The attempt to apply the ferce of cir
cumstances as motive power has proved
failure.
a lady advertises in a Glasgow paper
that she wants Il gentleman :sfor break
fast and tea
\ wee bit of boy having been
slightly chastised by his mother, sat very
quietly in his chair for some minutes
afterwards, no doubt thinking very pro-
foundly. At last he spoke out thus ::
ssMuzzer, | wish dad would get anuzzcr
housekeeper. I've got tired of seem
you round"
Said gentleman to another, on the
street:
'Who is that ugly woman with whom
you were walking?'
That's my sister,
''No, no, don't mean her." explained
the unfortunate interrogation, ssbut that
horrd, red haired creature walking by
her side
THAT, sir, is my wife
A clergyman once took for his text
these words: ''The world, the flesh and
the devil" and commenced his sermon
in this manner: II shall pass over the
Flesh, touch lightly upon the World,
and hasten on as fast as I can to the
Devil. Wonder what the sequel was
The late Baron Rothchild was uncere
monious with high and low alike 4
great parsonage once penetrated into his
study while the Baron was very busy
The Baron without looking up said, with
that slight German accent which gave
character to his remarks, take chair"
Pardon, said the visitor, rather hausht-
lily, ''you didn't hear the announcement
of my name. I am the Count
every WE'LL" replied the Baron, without
lifting his eyes from the sheet, '.take two
chairs"
An old fellow who never yielded the
palm to any one in reeling knotty yarn,
was put on his trumps at hearing a
traveller state that once he saw brick
house placed upon runners and drawn up
a hill to a more favorable location, some
half mile distant
sWhat do you think of that, uncle
Ether?" said the bystanders
s'Oh, fudgew said the old man, 81
once saw two story stone house down
East drawn by oxen three miles"
A dead silence ensued. The old man
evidently had the worse end of it and
saw it. Gathering his energies, be bit
off a huge bite Of pigtail, by way of gain
ing time for thought.
old man, ejecting a quantity of tobacco
juice towards the fireplace; "but that
wasn't the worst Of the job-after they'd
done that, they went back and drawed
the cellar" The stranger caved in.
Here are some new epitaphs Pro
fessional epitaphs are sometimes clever
and satirical. The lawyers have come in
for their share of biting epigrams from
the time of Shakespeare down. Here is
one from Moore's memoirs:
"Herc lies John Shaw,
Attorney y-at-law;
And when he died
The devil cried,
Give us your paw,
John Shaw,
Attorney -at-law."
In the literature of epitaphs, it is sur
prising how large proportion belong to
the class of the whimsical or the absurd.
Here is one on highland soldier:
"Here lies Alexander Mcpherson,
He was most superior person;
He was six feet two, without shoe,
And he was slew at Waterloo"
The briefest epitaph of which we ever
heard, and the best, was the following,
ordered by literary gentleman, lately
deceased, to be engraven on his tomb
stone:
"FINIs."
A lady in North Stonington Comm
suffers from an injured hand, caused by