The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1869-02-05
MISS JONES' WEDDING.

TO listen to the delivery of q lecture by the
famous humOrist, Mr.. De COrdova, upon the
topic Miss Jones' Wedding--No cards." As
the lecture was written in verse, and it being
impossible to give a synopsis Of it in that way,
the following is an ABSTRACT, rendered into
prose;-
Touching Miss Jones' wedding, ladies aud
gentlemen, Mr.. Ephraim Jones was very nice
man; but his face was all haggard, yellow, and
wan. He was troubled with chIls and fever,
and no wonder he suffered from similar ills,
since in Homeopathic globules and pills he was
always an earnest believer. SO he dragged
through his life, like a watkins ghost, as yellow
as gold and as thin as a post, with consecutive
burnings and shiveriugs. His internal affairs
were deTanged, but they never perhaps, had
been rightly arranged, for he had a complaint OF
the liver. He might have got well; he could
not have got verse by abandoning drugs, and
having recourse to the care of the butcher and
baker, but he globuled himself by day and by
nigh, and maintained one continued sklrmish
and fight always with the undertaken. He was
besides, as the rumor ran, an out-and-out
feryent religious man, aud sung pious hymns in
meeting, believing that this was the right thing to
do, he devoutly consigned to the regions below
all who did not believe as he did. He discovered
grand petroleum stream as black as your hat
and as thick as new cream. From that time
forward Jones was changed. He took disgust
to manual toll, now that his farm had begun to
flow Uil-WbiCh had never flowed milk and honey
so he snubbed his neighbors far and wide,
showing a towering pride. Esteeming a country
Ii played out, he bought a new house in the
city, which he fitted up in style so grand that
there was nothing like it in tairyland. In short
he took to all sorts OF airs, and the more the
well gave out its oil the more be burnt the pro-
ceeds to blazes, Mrs. Jones was a matronly
person. Her dress was of velvet. and the cut
of her skirt was perfection. She plastered
power all over her face TO prevent 1t from
looking as old as her lace Miss Euphemia
Jones was very nice girl, with rather red hair
which she wore in curls, with Magenta ribbon
ts bind it. | don'twonder hair is as dear as It's
for Miss Jones wore pounds OF 1t, all trizzed. She
walked about with crick IN herIback, wthithe
hobbiDg gait of a worn-out hack. In short, she
praclsed the Grecian bend, and looked like
waterm eon standing on end. She once was
laid up with gout and rheumatism, and people
SAID she furnished too graudly her basement
and left bare her attlcs. She once had a lover
of low degree, as honest fellow as ever could
be: she threw him off when her father grew
rich, and he disappeared in Olville. Then there
was Mr.. Peter Brown; he fell in love over head
and ears which were loug for his years, with
Mr.. Jones' daughter. Jones had money and
Brown had none, and he looked to be coming
Jones' son, to cover a long operation; go he
cOurted the lady by night and by day, IN the
most assiduous kind OF way. Now Mr.. Brown
belonged to the worldly school, and whatever
he was he wasn't a fool; he had studied the
world enough to know that If you want to sue
ceed you must make a show. He trusted all
would go well; but, regarding results, he no
more could tell than the cross upon Trinity
| steeple. The world is bubbing caldron of
| babbling fools. In short, the mission of
man, when told, is TO get all you can in green
backs and gold. Pretend to be rich If you are
ever so poor; place your best stock in the
| window and door, and the world is sure to
believe il. To tell you the truth, the world Is
| fool, but is vastly too cunning to show it. 1t
| will suffer its losses untold to remain, content
| to be pluudered again and again, so the person
| next door doesn't know il. Mr.. Brown was as
| mean as broker could be, in private, where no
| one could see it. Bethinking how quickly his
project might iai, his blood was turned into
| water, and the only physic he wanted to take
| was Mr.. Jones' daughter. 1t was not that he
loved her, or wanted to know whether she
| loved him and would never care If he knew it,.
Miss Jones was wealthy. She was anxious, OF
course, but it rendered her happiness nothing
| the worse, nor did it impair her digestion. 1t
| was well understood all over the to oWn that the
| heiress in oil had got Mr.. Brown, and she waited
| till he popped the question. So at length Mr..
| Brown came up one day all dressed out in his
finest array, and fell plump ON his knees before
| her, making a speech impassioned enough,
full of amorous blarney and similar stuff, and
swore that he did adore her. That Miss
| Jones was lustered, need not say and
| she behaved as though she would faint away,
but fell in the arms of her lover. The hypo-
| clite kept down on his knees on the floor while
the lady was anXiously watching the door, lest
some one should come in and spoil it. Mrs.
had met with a man OF her mind, and addressed
Mr.. Brown as sonny. Mr.. Jones had no great
love for the lover indeed, and what with pail
| and rout and gadding about and playing poker
with Brown, the broker, attending seTenades;
betting on races, and otherwise making fool
| of himself, he found that his fortune was run
ming to seed. HIS goose of the golden egg was
dead, and oh if you please, there is disease
| which homeopathic pills can't cure, when 9
| mans own folly forces him down. When he
heard that Mr.. Brown was booked, he was glad
| at heart. He looked to him to help him out Of
the mess he was IN. Society needs deceit, sc
he drew long, considering face, with which
society hides what it means and said. 1t will b(
| hard, he cried in accents wild, to par
from that. beautiful, loving child
l must not be selfish. 1t ls the pride o
my old age. Ills MY life. Take her, Brown.
Here WAS Brown, an inflated ball rolling along
on nothing at ALA stuffed out party of straw
Indeed, leaning for help, indeed, upon thai
broken reed OF marriage with Mis- EuphemiS
Jones. Browns point was carried; he was sOoT
to be married. The affair all over was famed
The most eegaut church ia that elegant tow
was suggested for the elegant marriage o
Brown, aud host of friends, who secretly
hated and enVied the bride, were invited. On
| hoWlthey sighed, that so fine a young mar
should ride with woman whose hair was dyed
But here a question came up OF tremendous i'm
port. Mrs. Jones wanted to know what !
meant by 'n0 cards.n No cards, indeed Sht
would certainly hate to interfere, but l thinl
your objections are mean and uukind, aud yoI
may please understand, whether you may lk,
1t or lump it, mo cards." no BRIDE Miss Eu
phCmia cried, Peter, 1t Is too bad, aud if
had known there was to be mo cards.
/ should never have named the day
but mo cards" no bride. My dear, re
marked Mr.. Brown, you don't understand; III
7 amatter OF fashion. don't care for that, say
Miss Jones; II no cards are sent never Will b
married. Mr.. Brown was too lame to bolt iroI
the course. He knew that after the marrlag
he would have his own way. So now he wa
gentle, and did all she wished; and so the card
} were engraved as follows: Mr.. and Mr.
Jones requests the pleasure OF your company,