Democratic enquirer. [volume] (M'arthur, Vinton County, Ohio) 1867-1873, 1868-07-09
Srlertro gHistrllauD,
MY BURGLAR ALARMS.
From the Northern Monthly.l

From the Northern Monthlyl
Perhaps you know Perkins. At any rate
you ought to- for he is one Of our most emf
nent antiquarians His well-known paper
on the "0rigin and Location of the Earliest
Peanut Stand" which was read before the
Historical Society, is only one of the many
antiquarian and historical productions that
have contributed to make his name deser-
vedly famous.
am constrained to admit, however, that
he has one weakness and that is an exces-
sive faith in the Patent Office. Not only
has he himself patented some twenty or
more ingenious inventions of no earthly
value, but he reads the Scientific Inventor,
and is perpetually buying every new and
easily portable article, whose invention he
may have seen chronicled in that journal
Moreover, he never meets a friend without
straightway inAicting upon him minute
description Of the latest article deposited
In the Patent Office This peeuliarity has
rendered his dinners a grief and a burden
to his friends. l ask you as reasonable
man, can l, when invited to dine with Per-
kins he expected to enjoy his really excel
lent dinner, while he is explaining the plan
OF a new boot-jack, or an improved ink
stand, and illustrating his subject with in
comprehensive diagrams, constructed with
supernumerary knives and forks2 Why
have known him to empty the entire dish
of radishes, merely to use them in explain
ing a new method of laying the Atlantic
cable!
But Perkins has very little to do with my
story, though perhaps he might properly
be included among what lawyers call the
res geSte. | will, therefore, endeavor to
forget for the present what have suffered
at his hands; and will proceed with the his
tory of my burglar-alarms.
Last Summer, my wife decided that her
health imperatively required that should
take house in the country during the hot
season. Of course dld so. We rented
little cottage near the city, and at a short |
distance from the railway-in New Jersey,
In point of tact-and were so well pleased |
with it, that we determined to remain there
during the Winter. When the Summer
had positively gone, and the frost had lock-
ed things up for safe keeping during his
absence, we began to secretly repent ofour
resolution, but still outwardly asserted that
we really enjoyed the country in the Win
ter. After a time, however, the novelty of
being alternately showed up and thawed
out again, so that it was impossible for
days to drive to the railway station, either
because the deep drifts had rendered the
roads impossible or because q sudden
change In the weather had converted the
whole country into swamp, fathomless
with yellow mud, began to pail upon us.
As we had but few neighbors, and those
were for the most part incomprehensible .
Dutchmen, we found it, too, little lone
some at times In fact, the lonesomeness
OF the place so weighed upon my spirits,
that L one day accepted with pleasure an ::
invitation to dine with Perkins, and actnal- i
~ found myself looking forward with de- :
light to the prospect Of a dinner at Del
monico's with Perkins and his latest pa
tents.
forgot to mention, 1 believe, that he is =
an old bachelor. The idea of Perkins be- 7
ing married is quite preposterous. He =
would harass his wife to death in less than +
year, by patenting new improvements in n
corsets, and new ideas for waterfall cush-
ions, and obliging her to wear the results r
OF his inventive genius. Being unmarried, =
OF course he did not invite my wife: and C
though she urged me to go, could see that n
she felt annoyed that was going to dine "
without her. Remember, dear" were >,
her parting words, what you promised a
me about the champagne, and come back " "
tonight if you can, for am so afraid of 7
burglars" y
We dined at Delmonico's, and hence it p-
ls not necessary to state that the dinnerwas O,
excellent; especially as the quality of the D
dinner has nothing whatever to do with the n,
narrative. 1 will say, however, that the W
VINE was above all suspicion; and l rather n,
lear l forgot my promise to Clementina, Jf
1ot to drink but three glasses. (Query.- Ii
10 what extept is promise given in order ti
o avoid hyst-to calm ones wife, mean yC
'indingO ct
We were sitting over our walnuts, and us
discussing some port, which Perkins said bl
vas bottled in 1856, if 1 remember rightly, to
Vhen it occurred to me that was treating -
ny wife In heartless and unprincipled OF
manner in leaving her alone, and prey W
o burglars mentioned the fact to my ve
mend, and was starting up to get my hat, tr'
Vhen he told me that it was halfpast nine, Sc
nd the last train by which could reach sh
ny family had started an hour ago. So l VI
own again, and we drank my wifes health. Of
.hen we drink each others health, and l
hen the health Of women in general, con- hi
ernlng whom recollect rising and max
ng speech so eloquent and pathetic that ia
moved me to tears. fo
BY and by, again reverting to the subject he
I my wife, and her fear of burglars, Per Cl
ms produced an article from his pocket, WI
inch resembled the cylinder of three ev
arreled revolver, with percussion caps al rel
eady attached to the tubes, "There,"
aid he, is an invention that is perfectly az
lyaluable. You put this over your door, en-
0 illustrating with the castors0 robber on
pens the door, and it falls and explodes, fe,
ou wake up and shoot him-and there ra
on are. Get few of them, my boy, and til
our wife won't be afraid to be left alone: aft
nd wen dine together three times week, in
ID fellow, by Jove." VII
took it and examined it carefully, for it er
eally seemed to be meritorious affair As er
was handling it with great care, it some ha
ow slipped through my fingers, and, strik- sh
ag my plate, exploded with loud report, 81
esides breaking the plate into countless
ieces -Four walters Immediately rushed by
to see what was the matter supposine Il
hat one Of us had attempted to murder m,
he other The matter was finally explain Wa
d to Them, though not before the passage IN,
utside the door was jammed With inqui- ioy