Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1868-05-30
Statesman.
THE KU KLUX KHAN.
BY JOHN QUILL.

I am at present en- route, if you know
where that is.
The fact is, have begun short
journey through the South for the bene-
fit of my health. have not been we'll
tor some time. The doctor said I had
a complicated case of cataplasm of the
epiglottis, caused by suffusion of blood
upon the anterior lobe of the cerebellum,
or words to that effect. But I don't be-
lieve he knows.
I've taken a great many remedies
Every time l saw certificate in the pa
pers of man who had been cured of a
bad leg of eighteen years standing (aw-
full long time for leg to stand), or if a
fellow who was snatched from an untime-
ly grave by some old pill or other, 1
went around and gorged myself with the
stuff that helped him. I have tried all
the patent medicine between here and
Kansas, from pain-killer to hair-restorer,
and here 1 am cantering around the coun-
try a mere wreck.
My wife says that it is the result of
my reckless use of medicine but 1 don't
consider that she knows.
The way 1 happened to leave home
was this. l Saw the following para
graph in a paper, and 1 thsaght I'd try
it on:
"Step out into the purest air you can
find; stand perfectly erect, with your
head up and shoulders back, and then
fixing the lips as though you were going
to whistle, draw the air, not through the
nostrils, but through the lips into the
lungs. When the chest is about half
full, gradually raise the arms, keeping
them extended with the palms of the
hands down, as you suck in the air, so
as to bring them over the head just as the
lungs are quite full. Then drop the
thumb inward, and after forcing the arms
backward and the chest open, reverse
the process by which you draw your
breath, till the lungs are empty. This
process should be repeated three or four
times Immediately after bathing, and
also several times during the day.
I went into my back yard to practice,
and after having followed the directions
for while, Mrs. Quill happened to
come to the window and see me. She
then observed i7 a ~
"You Quill, what in the name of COM
mon sense are you doing?
"Never mind; L know what I'm do
ing" bu
"You had better come in the house,
and stop making such fool of your
self" ---.--- .-......-.
$50 to, woman" said I, "what do you
know about science 2" Yes. .l,'
"Science % said she; science I? you
old idiot, why you don't know any more
about science than teapot does about
immortality. Come in here, or Ill go
go out and drag you in by what little
fuzz you've got left on that blockhead."
My wife possesses a lovely Christian
character, but she always means what
she says; SO I gave up the experiment
and went in, but not until the man next
door threw muzzle over the fence at me,
to intimate that was mad.
When got in found that crowd of
boys had been watching me through the
crack in the fence, and one of them had
fetched policeman to take me to the
insane asylum. 1 am small man, and
this made the scoundrel so valiant, that
I was forced to fly out through the alley
gate to avoid him. 1 took the next train
for the sunny South.
When got to the hotel in Richmond,
Virginia, l went to bed right off about
midnight there WINS knock at the
door. IN
"Who's there ?" says I.
alt is the X. V. Grand Inspector of
the X. K. K''
well, what does the alphabetical cuss
want fussing around here at this time of
night, sayl"
'''He desires to enter the portal"
"Well, he K. K. X. can't; so dry up,
will you?" said I, for 1 was mad.
"Unbar the entrance or we will break
it down."
"Oh, dar say. Hadn't you better
go and get howitzer? 1 guess you
think you're cutting a swell; don't youl
Well you amt.
In a half minute the door was knock
ed down, and in came dozen men
masked. They dragged me out of bed
and sat me in a chair.
"We are the 18th verse of the 10Th
chapter of Ku Klux Klan. We came
to investigate you. What's your name?
"My name is Norval, on the Gramp
"None of that now," said one fellow,
drawing revolver; "no foolishing; tell
us what's your name"
"Softly, thou rude disturber of my
sweet repose, put up that pistol; many a
fellows been hurt by playing with those
things"
whats your name, say?"
"Quill-John Quill; see the first
book on botany-jonquil, sweet-scent-
ed flower which blows all the year
round am called after it because 1
am sweet-scented and blow all the year
round.
1--WE are sent here by the Grand Cy-
clops of the Klu Klux Klan to murder
you because you are traitor. What
have you to say2"
Gentlemen" said I, "what will you
have2 Let us fill the flowing bowl until
it doth run over, while we drown our
grief and sadness, and indulge in mirth
and gladness." @
"Sir-r-r-r! you trife with us. Do you
know what we, the Ku Klux are %
MAY I ask single question: Tell
me honestly, are you stomach bitters, or
does Ku Klux stand for patent tooth
wash?"
"Neither, ser lave! We ale great
and mighty league banded together to
defend those imperiled liberties which
ruthless hand even now dashes to earth.
Hark the tocsin soundsl Dinna ye