The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1868-08-21
now TO SEE NIAGARA.
Eron a. cnfcaao Timc,.

From Me Chicago Times.
To see Niagara, you buy eleven silk
dresses for your wife, and six shirts for
yourself. You then get all the ready
money you have, borrow all your
friends have, and make arrangements
for unlimited credit at two or three
good, solvent banks. You then take
six trunks, some more money, a nurse,
a coloTed servant, some more money )
and then, after getting some more
money, and extending your credit at
one or two more strong banks, you set
out. It is better, If possible, just before
you leave, 10 mortgage your homestead
and get some more money.
After getting there, your cheapest
plan will be to purchase a hotel, and a
carriage and team. You can stay there
u week, and then give away the hotel
and carriage, and still make money by
the operation.
If not disposed to economy, you can
pursue the ordinary laYish American
way of taking rooms at a caravansary,
and paying Tor everything at the reRu-
lar rates.
The first step in seeing Niagara is to
dress your vile in one of the most eX-
pensive suits. Yourself ditto. Your
wife then goes into the parloFs on ex-
hibition. You light a cigar, go ont on
the veranda, and put your heels high
up on a column. While your vile finds
out If any body has any more expensive
clothes than she, you occupy yourself
in trying to stare some woman out OF
countenRnce.
As a general thing your last effort
will be a failure.
Sometimes, after people hove exam
ined each other for a week or SO, In the
parlors and at the dinner table, they
lake a fancy to go out and look at some
water, which, at this place, runs over a
hill. This is not always done. Never
theless, when there Is a lull in other
affairs, some of the more energetic Wis
iIors 90 out and visit the river.
The water falls over the precipice at
a point some sixty feet from the rear of
the hotel. To visit this remarkable
phenomenon you negotiate for bar
ouche, pair OF horses and a driver.
To get over this sixty feet, you get in
the carriage and are driven slowly
down the river for three miles. This Is
what happened TO me:
When 1 had been driven toward the
falls for three miles, the driver said we
were at the whirlpool. Paid him a dol
lar for the information, and then went
down to see the whirlpool.
You have an excellent view OF the
whirlpool from the top of the bank.
But there are stairs which go down
to the water where the view Is not half
so good, owing 10 the lowness OF the
situation. Yo1 can go down In half an
hour, If you hurry. When you get
down to the bottom, you can see NOM
ing, and therefore prepare TO ascend.
Ii Is broiling hot, and an ascent OF
i've hundred steps stares you in the
face.
when one reaches the top he has Just
enough life in him to read sign which
has been hung up while he was away
stOne dollar each to be appropriated for
the benefit of orphans"
Ny representation to the young man,
that am an orphan, has no effect. II
was some other orphan that he labored
for. BE was an orphan of about nifty
years. I felt sorry for his mOtherless
condition.
There is another desoIate orphan
there, who Is armIess. and who Is bereft
of his parents at the tender ageof sixty