The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1868-07-02
SrltttrO lnisrrlIOnB.
MY BURGLAR ALARMS.
LION Id Northem MonthIyI

From the Northern Monthly
Perhaps you know Perkins. At any rate
you ought to, for he is one Of ourmost emil
nont antiquarians. His well-known paper
on the 'Origin and Location ofthe Earliest
Peanut Stand. which was read before the
Historical Society, is only one Of the many
antiquarian and historical productions that
have contributed to make his ndmo deser-
vedly famous.
I am constrained to admit. however, that
he has one weakness, and that is an Excess
sive faith in the Patent Office. Not only
has he himself patented some twenty or
more ingenious inventions OF no earthly
value, but he reads the Scientific Inventor.
and is p%erpetually buying every new and
easily portable article, whose invention he
may have seen chroniclcd in that journal
Moreover, he never meets a friend without
straigbtway inhicting upon him a minute
description of the latest article deposited
in the Patent Office. This popularity has
rendered his dinners q gricf and a burden
to his friends. l ask YOU as a reasonable
man, can /, when invited to dine with Per
kins, he expected TO enjoy his really excel
lent dinner, while he is explaining the plan
Of a new boot-iack, or an improved ink
stand, and illustrating his subject with in
comprehensive diagrams, constructed with
supernumerary knives and forks2 Why, /
have known him TO empty the entire dish
OF radishes, merely 10 use them IN explain
ing a new method Of laying the Atlantic
cablel
But Perkins has very little to do with my
story, though perhaps he might properly
be included among what lawyers call the
res gest1. l will, therefore, endeayor to
forget for the present what / have suffered
at his hands and will proceed with the his
tory Of my burglar-alarms.
Last Summer, my wife decided that her
health imperatiyely required that I should
take a house in the country during the hot
season. OF course / did so. We rented n
little cottage near the city, and at a short
distance from the railway-in New Jersey,
IN point of tact-and were so well pleased
with II, hat we determined 10 remain there
during the Winter. When the Summer
had positively gone, and the frost had lock-
ed things up for safe keeping during his
absence, We began to secretly repent ofour
resolution, but still outwardly asserted that
we really enjoyed the country in the Win
ter. After a time, however, the novelty of
being alternately showed up and thawed
out again, so that It was impossible for
days 10 drive 10 the railway station, either
because the deep drifts had rendered the
roads impossible, or because a sudden
change in the weather had converted the
whole country into a swamp, fathomless
with yellow mud, began 10 pail upon us.
As we had but few n~eighbors, and those
were for the most part incomprehensible
Outchmen, We found il, too, a little lone
some at times. In fact, the lonesomeness
Of the place so weighed upon my spirits,
that 1 one day accepted with pleasure an
invitation to dine with Perkins, and actnal-
ly found myself looking forward with de-
light TO the prospect of a dinner at Del
monlco's with Perkins and his latest pa
tents.
| forgot to mention, | believe, that he is
an old bachelor. The idea of Perkins be-
ing married is quite preposterous. He
would harass his wife to death in less than
a year, by patenting new improvements il
and new ideas for waterfall cush-
and obiging her TO wear the results
OF his inventive genius. Being unmarried,
OF course he did not invite my wife; and
though she urged me n 90, Icould see that
she felt annoyed that / was going TO dine
her. Remember, dear, were
her parting words, "what you promised
me about the champagne, and come back
tonight If you can, for am so afraid of
We dined at Delmonico's, and hence it
is not necessary to state that the dinner was
excellent; especially as the quality Of the
dinner has nothing whatever TO do with the
l will say, however, that the
VINE was above all suspicion; and 1 rather
lear l forgot my promise TO Clementina,
not TO drink but three glasses. Query
10 what extent is a promise given in order
avoid hyst-to calm ones wife, / mean
Wo were sitting over our Walnuts, aud
some port, which Perkins said
vas bottled in 1886, if / remember rightly. I
II occurred 10 me that / was treating O.
ny wife in a heartless and unprinciplod Z
manner in leaving her alone, and a prey '
o burglars. | mentioned the fact 10 my y
f1end, and was starting up to get my hat, I
he told me that it was half-past nino, s
nd the last train by which l could reach s
ny family had started an hour ago. SO 1 '
again, aud we drank my wife's health. {
hen we drink each others health, and |
hen the health Of women in general, con- /
whom l recollect rising and maxi
ng a speech so eloquent and pathetic that
I moved me 10 tears. '1. I
by and by, again reverting to the subject /
4 my wife, and her fear of burglars, Per {
ins produced an article from his pocket.
Vhich resembled the cylinder of a three. q
'erreied revolver, with percussion caps al
eady attached to the tubes, There, T"
aid he, lis an invention that is perfectly n
invaluable. You put this over your door, q
o illustrating with the castors0 a robber q
pens the door, and it falls and explodes, i
on wake up and shoot him-and there r
on are. Get q few Of them, my boy, and I
our wife won't be afraid to be left alone; 4
wen dine together three times q week, 4
ID fellow, by Joye." '
/ took il and examined it carefully, for it q
eally seemed TO be a meritorious affair. AS q
was handling ii with great care, it some /
ow slipped Through my fingers, and, strik- 3
g my plate, exploded with o loud report, Z
ssides breaking the plate into countless
ieces. -Four walters Immediately rushed b
to see what was the matter, snpposing O
one of US had attempted to murder n
e other. The matter was finally explain "
TO them, though not before the passage Il
Itside the door was jammed with inqui- j.