The Manitowoc tribune. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1866-1878, 1868-11-19
The Private Habits of Horace Greedy.

BY MARK TWAIN, OF THE TRIBUNE S
STAFF.
Mr.. Greedy gets up at three o'clock in
the morning for it is one of his favor
lite maxims that only early rising can
keep the health unimpaired and the
health vigorous. He then wakes up all
the house hold and assemblies them IN the
library, by candle-hght, and after quoting
the beautiful line:
early to bed and early to rise,
Make healthy wealthy and wise,
he appoints each individuals task for
the day, sets him at it with encouraging
words, and goes back to bed again. L
mention here, iii do fault-hndlng spirit, but
witha Difference justly due man who
is older and wiser and worthier than L
that he snores awfully. In moment Of
irritation once, [ was rash enough to say
broke himself of this unfortunate habit,
ering determination.
| At haf-past eleven he rises again and
shaves himself He considers that the re
| himself He does it with a dill razor,
sometimes humming part of tune.
| (he knows a part of tune and takes
| first half Of Old Hundred: but parties
familiar with the hymn have felt obliged
| to confess that they could not recognize is
it, and, therefore, the noise he makes
doubtless an Unconscious original compo-
sition of Mr. Greeley's,) and sometimes,
when the razor is especially dull he
accompanies himself with formula like
| this: Damn the damn razor and the
1anp o,t.aCt VI bo ,na1a If - H a.
He then goes out into his model gar
den. and applies his vast store of agricul-
tural knowledge to the amelioration of
his cabbages; after which he writes an
able agricultural article tor the instruc-
ton Of American farmers, his soul cheer
ed the while with the reflection that if
cabbages were worth eleven dollars
piece his model farm would pay.
"a He next. goes to breakfast which is a
frugal abstemious meal with him, and
consists of Just such things as the market
affords, nothing more. He drinks moth
ing but water,-nothlng whatever but
water, and coffee, and tea, and lager beer
and Scotch ale, and lemonade with a fly
IN it-sometimes house fly and some
times a horse fly, according to the
amount of inspiration required to warm
him up for his daily duties. During
breakfast he reads the Tribune through
and enjoys the satisfaction of knowing
that ali the brilliant things in it,
written by Young and Cooke, and Haz-
ard, and myself, are attributed to him oy
confidential and Internal public
After breakfast he writes short ed
itorial, and puts large dash at the be-
ginning of it, thus(-), which is the
same as if he put H. g. after it, and
takes savage pleasure in rejecting that
none OF Us understrappers can use that
dash, except in profane conversation
when chatting over the outrage He
writes this editorial in his own handwrit
ing. He does it because he is so vain Of |
his penmanship. He always did take
an inordinate pride in his penmanship. |
He hired out once in his young days as |
Il writing master, but the enterprise |
failed. The pupils could not translate
his remarks with any certainty. His |
first copy was Virtue is its own reward
and they got it Washing with soap is
wholly absurd. - and so the trustees dis
charged him for attempting ia convey
bad morals through the medium of
worse penmanship. But, as | was saying
he writes his morning editorial. Then
he tries to read it over and can t do it,
and SO he sends it to the printers and
they can't do it; and so they set it up
at random as you may say, putting IN
what words they can make out, and
when they get aground on a long word
they will put In reconstruction or
universal suffrage" and spar off and
paddle ahead and the next morning if
the degraded public can tell what it is
they say Il. G. wrote it, and if they can't
they say it is one Of those 1mbecile
understrappers and that is the end of it.
On Sundays Mr. Greeley sits in
prominent pew in Mr.. Chapin's church,
and lets on that he is asleep, and the
congregation regard 1t Is an eccentrlclty
of genius.
When he is going to appear in public
toilet. He is the most painstaking and
elaborate man about getting up his dress
there is in America. This is the chiefest
his old white overcoat and turns up the
collar. He puts on <oled shirt saved
from the wash and leaves one end Of the
idated hat. turns it wrong side before,
cants it on the back of his head and jams
an extra dent in the side Of it. He puts
on his most atrocious boots, and spends
fifteen minutes in tucking the left leg
of his pants into the boot top in what
shall seem the most careless and unstud-
led way. But his cravat-it is into the
arrangement Of his cravat that he threws
all his whole soul, all the powers of his
great mind After fixing at it for forty
minutes before the glass it is never perfect
it is askew every way-it Overfiows
his coat-colar on one side and sinks into
oblivion on the Others chimes and it
delves around about his neck--the knot
is conspicuously displayed under his left
ear, and it stretches one of its long ends
horizontally, and the other goes after
his eye in the old Toodles fashion-para-
leled. MIR Greeley strides forth, rolling
like sailor, a miracle of astounding
costumery, the awe and wonder Of the
nations
But | have not time to tell you the
rest of his private habits. Suffice it that
he Is an honest mana practical, great
Drained mana useful man to his nation
and his generation-a famous man who
has justly earned his celebrity = and
withal the worst dressed man in this or
any other country, even though he does
take SO thunering much pains and puts
on SO many frills about it IVilhe sspirtt
Of the Times
Giants of Olden Times.
in one of his recent lectures, Professor
/ Sliliman, the younger alluded to the dis
eovery OF the skeleton of an enormous