Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-08-14
9nnlorons.


No wonder that the female sex is so obsti
nate, The Latin word for woman is muller.
To lose your watch interferes with your
pleasure; at least it prevents you from hay
ing good time.
Why shOuld physicians have a greater hor-
ror of the sea than any body else? Because
they are more liable to see sickness.
IT is said when Russian husband neglects
to beat his wife for month or two she be-
gins to get alarmed at his Indifference.
Why is the letter ''u" Of more value than
cream to a dairy maid ?-Because it makes
''better'' ''butter."
The minister who boasted of preaching
without notes don't wish to be understood to
refer to greenbacks.
Why do girls kiss each other and men do
not? Because girls have nothing better to
kiss, and the men have.
The most intensely Southern mariner we
ever heard of was one that refused to be
guided by the north star.
WHEGLs like men are often tired, and very
frequently from kindred cause-going round
so much.
WHAr would this world be without wo
man? A perfect blank-hke sheet Of pa
per-not even ruled.
TIE new moon reminds one of giddy girl,
because she is toe young to show much re.
Aection
PAT thinks it is good for a man to some
times be alone, especially if he has his swale-
heart with him.
JOSH BILLINGS says he never will patronize
a lottery so long as he can hire any body else
to rob him at reasonable wages.
WARS the difference between an Indian
and an Irishman? One smokes the pipe of
peace, the other the piece of pipe.
''MY DEAR" said cross grained husband
to his long suffering wife, ''do you intend to
make a fool of me % ''No my love; nature
has saved me that trouble.
PREcEPrs are poor stuff tew bring up young
ones on, It's like sending them down cellar
without emmy kandle tew learn them tew see
in the dark.
HPoKRAsY is one ov the vices yu kant
konverti yu might az.well undertake to git the
wiggle out ov q snake, or the grease out ov
fat pork.
SANPsoS's claims as a public performer are
based upon the fact that in his last appear
ance before the Philistines he brought down
the house"
The arm ola pretty girl wound tight around
your neck has been discovered to be an in
fallible remedy for sore throat. II beats
pepper tea all hollow.
A GREAT many young men about town
evidently believe in steam power. They use
it daily, and 60 home at night under a full
head Of steam.
A PLATE of apples was being passed around
to group of children. one of whom took the
largest and reddest one on the plate. What
a greedy child! exclaimed another ofthe girls,
adding, l wanted that one myself
"OH" said poor sufferer to dentist,
"that is the second wrong tooth you've pull
led out p every sorry, sir, said the blum
derning operator, ''but as there were only
three when / began | am sure to be right
next time"
A DANDY getting measured for a pair of
boots observed:
''Make them cover the calf
'Heavensl' exclaimed the shoemaker as
founded, surveying his customaker. Il have
not got leather enough"
A PHYSICIAN living in a certain town in
Hampshire, who had determind to change
his residence, but who hesitated upon re-
ceiving from four hundred and fifty of his
fellow townsmen petition that he would re.
main, went off at once on learning that the
petition had been circulated by the under
taker
A BLIND man had been sitting one day,
and pleasantly chatting with some visitors for
an hour, when one Of them wished the com
pany good.morning, and left the room.
'What white teeth that lady has :" said the
sarcastic blind man. ''How can you possibly
tell that ?'' said friend. Because" was
the ready answer, 'for the last half hour she
has done nothing but laugh"
A SNAKE SToRY.-Old Deacon Sharp never
told lie, but he used to relate this: He was
standing one day beside frog pond-we
have his word for it-and saw large garter
snake make an attempt upon an enormous
bull frog. The snake seized one of the frogs
hind legs, and the frog, to be on par with
his snakeship, caught him by the tail, and
both commenced swallowing one another
until nothing was left of them.
A CHIMNEY -SwEEPER's boy went into a
bakers shop for twopenny loaf, and concei-
wing it to be diminutive in size, he told the
baker that he did not believe it was weight.
''Never mind that, y replied the man of dough
''you viii have the less to carry ''Truel'
replied the lad; and throwing three halfpence
on the counter, left the shop. The baker
called Justify after him, that he had not left
mony enough. "Neyer mind that" said
young sooty, 'you viii have the less to
count.
SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of
an elderly lady, in the country, who wanted
more of his company than he was willing to
give. Proposing one day TO take astrol with
him, he excused himself on account Of the
inclemency of the weather. Shortly alter
ward she met him sneaking out alone. $50,
Mr.. Sheridan" said she, 'It has cleared
up" "Just little, ma am euough for one,
but not enough for two."
REToRr Courteous -''What business is
your father?" asked an imperious colonel Of
modest-looking lieutenant "a tobacco
mist, sir" "What pity he did not make
you one" Possibly, sir. And, now, viii
you allow me TO ask you question? "Cer-
tainly. What is isY'' "What was your