Brownlow's Knoxville Whig. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1866-1869, 1868-10-21
War n Hea,su and what Game Of 4.


proposed by the radical party OF that coun-
try, and concluded TO secede and take pos
session of about one third of the territory
of Paradise, end considerably more than
one third of the public property, ana 10 set
up and run little kingdom OF their own,
on Conservative principles. They proceed
ed to put their plan in execution, and elect
cd as their leader an old angel named
sathanus, who had held pretty high station,
but whose antecedents were somewhat
questionable.
This proceeding naturally met with some
opposition, and the result was that, though
the seceders loudly proclaimed that ceer-
cion was unconstitutional, a right smart
little war was got up, and things were con-
siderably mixed for good while.
Finally, however, the loyal radicals trl-
umphed, and the seeeders lost their niggers
and most of their other little traps, and
were ingloriously expelled the country
They located, as Mr.. Milton informs us
(Salt River not having been discovered, } IN
a place called hell-a country of a fine
warm climate, but right badly governed
They found themselves here in rather mel
ancholy condition for angels of chivalrous
propensities, as they had lost all they went
to war for, and pretty much all the rights
they had before, to boot. In short they
were DISTINGUISHED and confscated, and
hadn any particular rights toexercise that
any body knew Of They were a good deal
disguised and enraged, and for some years
filled all hell and the chaos outside with
screams and clamor about their forfeited
franchises, their lost rights, radical oPpres-
sion, &c. They expended a good deal OF
maudlin splurge and btlncombe about the
lost cause and about certain flag, repre-
senting red-hot gridiron, which they
called the g conquered banner" Being i'm
potent for any other mischief, they sought
to express their feelings by throwing brim-
stone about promiscuously, and making as
hot hell Of the situation as possible, and
succeeded right well in doing so. They
finally resolved to make another effort to
regain their lost position, and sent word to
the loyal party that they would come back,
peaceably if they could, forcibly if they
must. Sathanus having grown rheumatic
and gone into trade, they selected the next
biggest devil for their leader, and proceeded
to organize their forces for another war
They met for this purpose in city OF that
country called Novum Eboracum, and their
speeches on that occasion may be found re-
corded in the second book of the veraeiOus
history of those times by Mr. Milton They
did, as was their wont, good deal of I'M
necessary screaming and yelling amidst
their preparations, and consequently the
loyalits overhead, hearing the hullabaloo,
began to make preparations to meet them.
There were, however, among the loyal
forces few milk and cider seraphs, who
sympathized with the defeated rebels and
implored their comrades to take them back
again and to commit the government Of
heaven once more to their hands. Among
these was one old cherub, whose name Mil
ton omits to give, who had in his youth
done good service for the country, and made
rather good thing of it for himself-a
white-haired, grey-winged, old angelic Tur
veydrop, who had gone into the milk-and-
cider business in his old age, and who spent
his time mostly in looking over the edge of
heaven at the poor devils swearing and ku-
kluxing around in the birthstone below and
in wondering if he could not make good
thing of it by going down there and effect
ing compromise. He started down with
this view. He had under his arms plank
or two that he found lying around loose in
Heaven, and with these and what he could
dig up among the debris in hell, he pro-
posed to build a platform between the two
places, but good deal nearest to the latter.
He argued that the climate down there,
though warm, was not uncomfortable, and
that if the loyal seraphs would but come
down far enough, he thought he could get
the democratic devils up a peg or two, and
they would all meet and fraternize on his
platform, and they could have, as he ex
pressed it, "the union as it was. But the
devils couldn't see it. They treated him
ANONYMOUSLY, burnt his platform, sheared
his old goose-wings, pulled out his tail
feathers and sent him back smelling so
strong of sulphur that lis friends refused
to have anything more to do with him
The war now commenced But in four
or five preliminary skirmishes the rebels
were so Internally worsted that they be-
came utterly demoralized Their chief re-
signed in disgust and his second in com
mand did likewise, and the army relapsed
into its normal condition of mob. In
these straits, the Internal leaders cast their
eyes in despair towards the benevolent
cherub whom they had so recently scorned
and abused, and who was now stretching
his dilapidated wings, like buzzard in the
sun, and drenehing himself with cologne
water to make himself presentable He
came down straightway and took command
of the democratic legions, his mild face
beaming blandly in calm faulty down the
long line of horses and hoofs. He at once
issued general, orders advising his legions
to wash, use cologne, quit swearing, and to
lessen their spirit rations of aqua forts and
sulphuric acid How he would have sue
ceeded if time had been given him, is not
known but while he was thus engaged the
enemy were upon him. The devils were
defeated, vanquished, abolished, wiped cut,
annihilated. The radical loyalists proceed
ed at once to roof hell over lock the door