The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1868-09-22
Fact, Fun and Fancy.

a
: Loves the toothache, a cough
and tight boots, are things which
:oannot be long kept secret. ss :.
3 Man wastes his moraip s. in an
,sicipating his, afternoons, and be
wasteshis afternoons in regretting
his mornings. =. - ..
cAveteran student of human
mature says, "Ifeneawants a Hlrt'
takea brunette IF one wants a
. cook, take a blonde. If one
wants. a wife, take neither"
The most laconic will on record
is that Of a man who died in: 1869.
nruns thus: ."I have nothing;l
owe !, a great deaEthe- rest 1 give
to the poor: -
There will be an eclipse of the
sun next month. There will be
: another-that of Mr. Jesse Grants
con Hiran-next November. :,
An Australian lady gives public
notice by advertisement, that il
: her husband does not turn up in
three months she means to marry
again. :. :.
WHAT'S the difference between
the entrance to a barn and an over
talkative person? One is a barn
door, and the other a darn bore
) .Awen known physician used to
:say that roast beef, serenity OF
mind. cold water baths, and an
,.smiable and pretty wife, would
make almost any man healthy,
wealthy and wise.
That man, said Sydney Smith,
ss.is not the discoverer of art who
: hrst says one thing ). but, he who
says it so long, 50 loud aud so
clearly, that he compels mankind
10 hear him. - -, :, ~.-..,.>>..
,tsOh, mother do: send for the
Sdoetor!' said a little boy Of three
years. aWhat for. my dear p
there's a gentleman in the
parler who says hen die if Jane
donssEmarry him; and she says
Z She Won't =, : ->..z..~ J.,
S4A a great ply sician observes It is
his opinion thattthe brain is mot
injured by Incorporate drinking,
<as is generally. supposed; for, he
{ adds, aman,giyen to intemperance
in that way, cannot have any
: brains. -. .>---
An enterprising undertasereent
she following excessively cool
mote to asick man =,
aDear sir rHaEing positive
proof that you are rapidly ap-
preaching deaths gate, Il have
thought it not imprudent' to cali
your attention to the enclosed
advertisement Of my abundant
stock LOT ready made cofins, and
make the suggestion that you
signify TO your friends a desire for
She purchase Of your burial outfit
at my establishment" -
"a talkative woman is one, of
sshe most agreeable companions in
-tke world-the very soul Of
society. Welike to hear aspright-
lyswoman talk so incessantiy that
can't get word in edgeways.
1T hrees you from embarrassment,
3 promotes soeiability, and gives
: you heart to Slip in a soft saying
OF so, whenever such a thing is
= possible; whereas silence is a bore
: not to: be endured, breeding awk-
ward embarrassment and re-
: straints.-G;Te as a woman who
: knows how to talk" "
. & ."Papa, didn't you whip mo
once for biting little Tommy"
s "aYes, my dear, you hurt him
very much" =, -.<. ........-..
sWell, then, papa, you ought to
whip sisters music master, too;
he bit sister yesterday afternoon
right on the mouth, and | know
it hurt her, because she put her
arms around his neck, and tried
choke him.
The folly of using fine language
30 poor ignorant people, and tae
strange mistakes it gives rise to
somstimes, are thus illustrated:
IA clergyman was sent for the
other day. The man was rather
aa,r-to 1Ubon. he was called.