Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1868-06-19
The True History of Edwin Booth, as One
of the Kings of England.
BY THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR" "

RICHARD THE THIRD was one of the
Kings of England, who had wonderful
ready faculty of bereaving the family OF
any person he didn't like. He could pro-
vide a funeral with a corpse, ready-made,
upon as short notice as any man in the
business He conldn't be fooled in bar
gain-born with his eye-teeth cut. His
nurse let him fall when he was an infant,
and hunch-back was the consequence.
Richard wasn't always King He be-
longed to the royal family, to be sure, but
he was poor at one time, and obtained
scanty livelihood by publishing an alma
nae 1t was called "Poor Richards AL
manac." Old Ben Franklin did his
printing. Richard suffered great discon-
tentment in winter, and frequently alluded
to it, particularly if he had to go on the
stage any where. This winter of his dis
content was only relieved by visits OF
little son he had in New York, who made
"glorious summer" for him, even in the
middle of January.
Growing weary Of the almanac business,
he determined to be king. He thought he
could run throne as well as his brother
Edward, who then had monopoly in
that line. But il was necessary to remove
several people before he could corsum-
| uldGc Ills DlduS, duu lIlulCNildbCly WSho
about with an energy only exhibited by
new administration in removing Postmas-
ters of an opposite political faith. He
began with his brother Clarence, who
stood between him and the succession.
Him he caused to be sent to the tower
which overlooked the Horseshoe Fall at
Niagara. He then hired a couple of Nj
agara Falls hackmen, who are ready for
1a;n fo 90 fn tbo onH (Ic-
patch him. This they did, after holding a
lengthy discussion upon the subject of flu
ture punishment, of the wicked, which
they conducted with signal ability. They
drowned him in vat of lager beer,
beverage of which he was exceedingly
fond. Richard shed tears when he saw
Clarence was ON his bier j; said he was al
ways afraid it would carry him off. The
hackmen charged exorbitantly for the job,
as they do to this day at Niagara, for any
thing they do.
Richard had love affair about that
time that produced great gossip among
the court circles-that is to say, among the
circles that court. In addition to being
humpbacked and bow-legged, he possessed
other qualities that would naturally render
him fascinating to women. One day,
while taking a walk, he encountered a
small funeral procession on its way to the
| cemetery. 1t was the final obsequies OF
an old gentleman whom Richard himself
| had prepared for the mournful occasion,
| by skillful application of his dagger,
having previously performed the same
| friendly office for the old gentleman's son,
Lady Anne's husband. The widow Anne
was chief mourner. Richard commanded
| the procession to halt and even offered to
whip hack driver who showed a disposi-
| tion to move on.
| When Lady Anne saw him, she got out
| of her hack and berated him soundly for
killing her husband and father-in-law, and
| obtruding two funerals upon her so near
| together But Richard was good talKer
himself He showed how much better
| they were dead than alive, what world
of care he had removed them from, until
| she came to look upon him as her best
| friend, and the result was that Richard
obtained permission to come and sit up
with her the very next Sunday night Oh,
| womanl woman! But let US not tarry
| on sentiment 1t is not the history that
we have to do with now Lady Anne be-
came Mrs. Richard the Third. She led a
very unquiet life with him on account of
| his having the nightmare so much. He
persuaded her to die one day because it
cost so much to live that winter. He said
| it was positively necessary for him to re-
| duce his household expenses. She being
an economical woman, saw the force of
his reasoning, and Immediately expired,
| ike an obedient wife that she was.
Richard was constantly being called
| upon to mourn the loss of his relatives.
He wore Grape or his hat about all the
! time He was seen in d funeral procession
| oftener than anywhere else, and his eyes
were always red with weeping at the grave.
King Edward died very suddenly after an