Democratic enquirer. [volume] (M'arthur, Vinton County, Ohio) 1867-1873, 1868-07-09

/ Ns~~~N
Perkins into the street
Curiously enough, remember httl
about the remaining occurrences Of tina
evening, except that we found great diff
Guilty in walking together, arm in arm, iron
which circumstance l conclude that Per
kins must have been very drunk. l have
dim recollection, too, of our having anoth
er bottle at his rooms, and of his frequent
ly presenting me with what he called
"burglarm'm m boy, l." from which also con
clude that he must have been very drunk
indeed, when l left him. When / awokt
in the morning, it was at my favorite hotel
and the first object that greeted my gazt
was collection of six burglar-alarms, care
fully deposited in my hat, which stood neal
me on the table. Clearly Perkins haC
been warmed by wine to unwonted gene
rosity.
My wife greeted me rather coldly when
reached home, and informed me that she
was still alive, though it was mercy that
she had MT been killed in her bed for Van
Schoon's house, which stood quite near tc
ours, had been broken into and robbed the
night before.
Moreover, she said that she had written
that morning to Aunt Jane, inviting her to
come and spend few weeks with us. 81
suppose that you won't object to my hay-
ing some one at home with me these long
evenings, while you are away at your din
ners," she added, in conclusion.
What was already done was then past re-
medy. Through / had always believed
Aunt Jane to be the most oppressive of old
maids, l felt that it was now useless to OBJ
iect to her coming; and then, perhaps, af-
ter all, she might not prove wholly unend-
urable on closer acquaintance. there
fore consoled myself by repeating the an
cient adages concerning the inutility Of
lamenting over split cats, and the posi-
bility that singed milk might prove better
than it looked-and acquiesced in my wife s
programme. Gas to burglars, Remarked
to her, you need feel no further alarm,
for have an invention here that will rem
der us perfectly safe against attack" So
saying, showed her one of the alarms, and
loading it, requested her to watch its opera
ton.
Carefully placing it over the door of the
room, while Clementina shrank as far away
from it as possible, and intrenched herself
behind rockingham, 1 went out through
another door, and returning, carefully open
ed the door where the alarm was placed
Initiating as closely as 1 could the eau
tious softness of a professional robber, 1
opened the door little by little, until the
opening was wide enough for me to enter,
which l did, and then discovered the alarm
still resting on the top of the door. This
was annoying, especially as my wife ap-
peared to regard it as joke, and began to
laugh in very inconsiderats manner. De-
termined not to be easily discouraged, l
told her that had not arranged it proper
ly, but that the next time it could not fail
to explode, Repeating my burglarious ex-
pertinent, was delighted to find the alarm
fall heavily to the floor. 'Is that all the
noise it makes" cried my wife. "Why,
that never could wake you up; you snore
louder than that"
'1f you please, my dear, Il replied. II
do not snore. The alarm did not explode
that time, owing to the way in which it was
placed. If you wish to laugh, do so by all
means, though l cannot see anything to
laugh at"
That excellent woman Immediately be-
came serious and sympathetic, and advised
me to make a third trial, which | did with
great success; the three barrels going off
simultaneously with report that Jared
the window-frames. / was quite elated
with my final success, but concluded not to
use the-alarm again. until ] should have
learned how to render its explosion GER
ainly
Aunt Jane arrived in few days with
Imall warehouse in the shape OF trunk,
hat indicated long visit For the first |
ew days / found her not wholly unendur- |
Ible; but before week had passed | was |
to admit, that on the whole, |
he was less desirable article in the house
lold than must have been the famous box
# Pandora.
She was prey to the delusion that she
'as responsible for the government of the
ntire world. Consequently, she insisted
pom reading my morning paper-whieh 1
Ike to find fresh and damp-before could
se it; and then retailed the political arti-
les to Inc with inane comments other own.
uring the whole Of the breakfast hour.
hen, too, my morals were her especial
large. Did not go to church twice every
unday and attend half dozen other SER
ces during the week, it was plain to see
lat she regarded me as one who was walk
g the broad road to imminent dertruc-
on. l like occasionally to take my wife to
lie play; but Aunt Jane once made few
marks Of an hour or two in length con-
rning the theatre, that made me feel at
ice the utter impossibility of even allud- /
6 to the subject in her presence. So, r
o, with cards. Why, one evening when {
had invited Wilkins and his wife to come !
it to our place expressly to play quiet
bber, my wife took me aside and begged /
e with tears in her eyes, not to mention /
hist in Aunt James presence. OF course
had to promise not to allude to cards, and !
course l could make no possible explana- /
IN to Wilkins, who has never understood :
forgiven the affair to this day. !
But could have pardoned any of her !
culiarities sooner than her inordinate :
d aggravating proneness to depreciatory a
ifs. Her usual form of closing an argu- i
ent with me, in which she had been !
'rsted, or Of ending an unavoidable COM y
INT upon my character and conduct, was h
contemptuous sniff, For example she r
uld remark: "Your neighbors the Smiths. /
~ VA Out JOu ii
: Charles" (my name is Charles)-' E
esume you have read DR.. Sleeper's sermon 4
The Theatre the Synagogue of Satan. h
d understand you to say that you had n
(snif.) Naturally, there
S but one possible construction to be put
on this unpleasant practice of Aunt n
le's, and that was that she intended L
'reby to express her strong disapproba- u
n of my conduct 1 am perhaps ner- l
is man; but at all events, 1 grew SO ex- = =
'sively nervous by reason of this perpet- u u
shifting, that life was fast becoming a !,
rden to me- One day l had the boldness :,
remark-being rendered quite desperate u y
You know, presume, Aunt Jane, that y y
: of Dickens characters says, children Il
o sniff before company never go to heav- 7
l| " But the quotation fell harmless :, :,
m the impenetrable armor of my aunts y y
Ecomplacency Dickens, 1 believe" y
replied with cold severity, 'is the man q q
o wrote Nicholas Twist and Son, novel u
,he worst character. need not say that y
m not familiar with the blasphemics that !?
low characters may repeat" II II
Naalrc f.,kn IL | IL