Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-07-17
slnnorpns.

THE baptist theory -dip-theory.
SrrEr is the fallow Of the mind.
SqRruAI circles--whisky rings.
THE strength Of cheese-its mite.
Az explainer--a retired carpenter.
HousEuoLp words-rent and taxes.
JUVENILE warriors-babes in arms.
A STRANGE noise attable-a fish ball
SPORTING intelligence stable mind.
MorTo for the raarried-never dis-pair.
RUsTIc pugilism--a box in the country.
DYKE prayer of a dog-guide my bark.
SOMETHING always on haud--your thumb
"AccouxTs'' in a tubular form-billiards.
FRS that are not fatal to actors-bene, fits.
WHAT liquid would lover be Reside her.
POWERFUL grain elevator Rye whisky.
THE ancient bitterness of Europe-Old
Gaul
TIAE is a file that wears, and makes no
noise.
PrRorrcuSrcAL remedy for crying infants
rocket
TuE only tolerated murderers are the lady
killers.
A young fellow once offered to kiss
Quakeress. ''FHend. - said she, 'ahee must
not do it"
20, by Joye, but must" said the youth.
"Wen, friend, as thee hast sworn, thee
may do it, but thee must not make practice
of it."
WE are not to suppose that the oak wants
stability because its light and changeable
leaves dance to the music of the breeze, nor
to con nelude that man wants stability and
strength of mind because he may exhibit an
occasional playfulness and levity.
A Clergyman, who was sadly annoyed by
incessant coughing among his congregation,
paused in his discourse and remarked that ''if
ladies would wear their bonnets on their
heads, and tie the strings, coughs would not
be so PREVALENT
TIE following may be set down as one of
the best jokes of the season:
Baptist Brotber-I don't like your church
government. 1t isn't simple enough There's
too much machinery about it.
Methodist Brother-It is true, we have
more machinery than you; but then, you see,
it don't take near so much loater to run it.
Nancy" said a girl to her companion,
(which railroad train do you ike the best p"
'That one, replied Nancy, (which furn-
ishes spark catcher"
A well known physician used to say that
roast beef, serenity of mind, cold water baths
''IT is dangerous to be working with sew.
ing machine near a window in a thunder
storm" Jinks says he has found it dangerous
to sit near some sewing machines when there
is no thunder storm.
"WHAT's the matter, my dear ?" said a
wife to her husband, who had sat for half an
hour with his face buried in his hands, ap-
parently in great tribulation. "Oh l don't
know said he ~ have felt like fool all
day." 'Well, replied the wife, consolingly,
II am afraid you win never get any better
you look the very picture of what you feel.
The late Rev. DR.. Sutton, vicar of Shelf
field, once said to the late Mr. Peech, a vet
erinary surgeon: ''Mr. Peech, how is it that
you have not called upon me for your ac-
count?' "Oh," said Mr.. Peech, 81 never ask
gentleman for money" Indeed" said
the vicar ''then how do you get on if be
don't pay ~ ''Why," replied Mr. Peech ''af-
ter a certain time conclude that he's not
gentleman, and then ask him.
a girl who had become tired of single bles.
sedness thus wrote to her intended husband:
"Dear Bill: Come right off, if you're com
ing at all; Edward Kelderman is insisUin' that
| shall have him, and he hugs and kisses me
so continually that can't hold out much lon
ger"
LITTLE BOBBY.-'I say, ma, is it true that
we are made out of dust ~
Ma.-"Yes, my boy so we are told"
BObby.-Well III be hanged if l can be-
lieve it; cause, if we was, when we sweat
wouldn't it be mud ?''
Az Irish glazier was putting in pane of
glass, when groom standing by began jok-
ing him, telling him to put in plenty Of putty
The Irishman bore the banner for some time
but at last silenced his tormentor by, "Arrah
now, be off wild ye, or else I'll put pain in
yer head without any putty"
LEAVING OFF SCHNAPPs. .-'' Veil den, Hon
ness, tell you howyou do. You 90 and buy
um barrel viskey, and take it home, and put
a foshet in it, and whenever you want um
schnapp, go and traw it, and shust so much
viskey ash you draw off of der foshit shust so
much water you pour into der barrel, den you
see haf always full barrel viskey: only dir
eetly, pretty soon, after vile, it comes YEA
ker, and at last you hev noting put an barrel
of water, den you vantno more use yer yiskey,
and jine der demberance.
II like to attend weddings" said Mrs.
Partington, as she came back from one in
church, hung her shawl up, and replaced the
black bonnet in the long preserved bandbox;
II ike to see young people cone together
with the promise of loVe-cherish and nour-
ish each other. But what solemn thing is
matrimony-a very solemn thing, where the
minister comes into chancery with surplus,
and goes through the ceremony of making
them man and wife. 1t ought to be husband
and wife, for it isn't every husband that
turns out to be man. declare I never
shall forget when Paul put the nuptiaI ring
on my finger, and said, with worldly goods
thee endow.' He used to keep a dry goods
store then, and l thought he was going to
give me the whole there was in it. l was
young and simple and did not know, till af.
terwards, that It meant one calico gown
year. It is lovely sight to see young people
'plighting their trough as the song says,