The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1868-02-22
FROM EARLvILLE.
Behind the Scenes,

There are many scribblers who make it point
to keep the public posted rs to the daily pecu.
mary occurrences Of every place, small or great
In fact, no man, woman or child who can read
the publications scattered from bar room to sane
tum need be at loss to know where TO sojourn
to accumulate enough Of this worlds goods to
make him comfortable the short period of time
allotted him in this vain world. But nowhere
do hear OF place so conducive TO good morals
this willie" of ours, with its MONDAY prayer.
meetings and six religious denominations, all
laboring to the same end.--one by absolving the
sins. of him who in IN evil hour may chance to
violate the edicts of its creed; another who
claim their calling and election a special favor OF
the Great Architect Of the Universe; another BY
shaking the sinner over the burning abyss until
he is frightened into belief that God is good :;
another that washes stains Of pollution from the
offender by dipping until their SINS though
they be as scarlet, shall be whit, as snow :" an
other whose congregations ns'er break up, and
Sabbaths never end; and yet another, who are
pursuing the even tenor Of their way and preach
Jew or GENTLE, Pagan or Mahemmedan. Some
there are in our mids. who preach, and many
who practice the precepts Of Joe Smith. They
are as yet unorganzed, but are doing big busi-
D ss and nightly proselyting many of those who
listen to their honeyed tongues. OF these will
speak more explicit hereafter.
Our city fathers and constable. are other OF
our moral institutions. They had published an
hundred volumes OF yaller.kivered litsra,oor. ~
and to force people 70 read and obey the same.
have published extracts thereirom, and caused
them to deposited in public places, shat he who
runs may read" Fearing that this nigh, fail
to have the desired effect, they the minoritv)
caused some thrty-fye surimon,es to be issued
and served upon 40 many citizens for not clear.
ing the snow from their sidewalks. Among the
offenders were throe out OF five Of our "Com.
mon Scoundrels." They being in majority.
oslled meeting OF the Board and instructed the
suits to be withdrawn. Cause: "A good thins
better never done than overdone'
Our constables come under the head q natural
curiosities A spider that weayes a web to en-.
snare q passing insect ELECTS our admiration.
The bull that drives us from barn.yard IL to
be feared and evaded. The poodle that sorve. as
q plaything and pastime for its mistress has also
our regards. In short can think Of nothing in
the animal or vegetable kingdom so void Of sub.
stance As not to elicit oar admiration, respect ar
fear, except cur constables. Their cunning is
too shallow and bare-faced. Their love is love
of the cardtable and carving-knife. Their ter
ror lies in two pairs of squeaky wind mschines,
propelled by lungs made loather-like by midnight
carousals and auction brawls. Never fear them
they won't hurt you any more than other moral
institutions OF our place. - . ..-.
We have also two temperance societies, which
obey to the letter the injunction Watch and
pray" They watch their members after thew
fall into the ditch, and pray for warm weather,
that when one does get too much ,angie-ea. he
will be in no danger OF freezing if unassisted
by worthy q brother. ~
We have also a class of Cuisines men," '.men
Of business" men advanced in year. and expert
ence, some of whom are seen early in the morn
ing doing tho Good Samaritan" by driving out
with fast horses soms invalid female, who 10 fast
convalescing under his treatment and the morn.
ing air. r,
Again. these "fir.t citizens" are seen late at
night upbraiding the hayward youth who has
presumed to venture beyond the bounds of pro-
pristy and brought to grief one OF his beloved
fold. ta
SUMMARY.
Should you wish to steal fowls from nSisiibor-
ing farm-ydrds, ~ des'ay your expenses st the
card-table, you caa do 80 in aEsrlville for two
winters, and settle with the authorities for *.5.
Should your wives or daughters wish to indulge
in the connubial felicities OF illicit intercourse
with the carnal.minded, they cum do 50 in Earl.
vile, where scandal ia stranger. Should you
disgrace our hotels by becoming intoxicated
therein, tho landlord will willingly settle with
you for 80, and keep the thing quiet. Should
you unfortunately Be crippled soldier, with
but one log and one arm, in Earlvills yos find y
generous coma,unity who will relieve your pecu.
MARY wants snA--curss you for your marks Of
dissipation. Should the sugar with which you
swseten your TIA make Of 1t excellent blusing,
apply for patent; your fortune ia made.
Should you wish to rsayry, and the old folks Oh.