Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-06-26
From the Peoria tIIl.) Daily Transcript
A sharp Reply.

"A few days ago one OF our promi-
nent railroad men received q circular
from an Iowa Lottery, accompanied
by ten tickets and a fcauest that he
act rs agent for the concern, The
scheme set forth that there were to
be o., ,377, tickets and d corresponding
number bf prizes. Among the prizes
offered was sawmill IN Colorado.
three spans Of mules. a schbIarsilfb
/ In the Oskaloosa College. houses, lots,
watches, etc. As further induce.
Iment the vendor. offered a preminm
tickets sold. The modest request
ELECTED the, following reply: : 7a
nris PEORIA, Ill, May 2f, 1868. I
.af fMR.----- -Sr- a. DEAR. SIR.--I have
the honor to acknowledge, the receipt
of yoursnf the 18th inst, enclosing
tl0l tickets In your Grand Gift En-
terprise with your circular. request to
act as your agent at 40 per cent. of
the entire gross receipts on my sales.
II Is my misfortune TO hc, just now,
engaged with lothhr parties, and i
cannot well break, my engagement,
although ] cannot expect any such
percentage as 40 on my present busi-
ness, therefore, take one long, fast,
lingering look ut those tickets and
enclose them to you, heartrending IN
1t is topart with ten separate and dis
tinet opportunities to realize not only
the forty cents, but ten watches, ten
house lots, 5 acre lots, scholarships,
sawnills, etc. The great trouble
with me has been that / was always
lacking In appreciation. Now some
men would .tgo foro that Colorado
saw-mill. don't. / don't know
enough, thus / remain poor aud saw
milless. If / had iit..tI Wouldn't
know what to do with it in Colorado,
unless I sawed the west end off al
the Arkansas river, and / wouldn't
know What to do withit whenI got
Ii OFF. o 6a fit q 43ttfsas9
Secondly, Scholarships are drug
I'm the market. Our old men are too
far spent to study, and our youths
have studied out. In factthey rather
beat their parents. 4 I'm truth don't
want any Scholarships. My watch Ii
at 'smy uncles,n but l have found d
friend who proposes to get it out, aud
let me carry IL for him, and my
friends would suspect me of some
sinister Intentions Ii / should present
them withlany Of yours, so you see
my dear fellow it's an unfortunate
fix all around. Then there amt any
use in talking. Lam down ON mules,
jackasses, and anything in the mon
grel line. 1t may benrejudice, but i
Ike q white person for q warm par
ticular friend better than do a mu-
latto, because he Is mixtnre. In
fact think ii Is best to take every
thing straight.
Then can't very well suggest any
very responsible party To accept tho
Office of agent of the grand enter
prise The war has most terribly de-
n.oralizcd our people, and then they
are mostly engaged i'm some similar
tivcs, insurance agents, assessors, co!-
lectors, or sone other Office where
the amount of physical and mental
labor to be performed Is small and
the einoluinents are supposed TO be
correspondingly large. Sowhat with
the immense numberof A.. J.'s off,
GERS State, county, town aud city
officials, together With the large num-
Der who manage to turn an honest
penny ut faro or poker, you sec all
the responsible parties who would
suit you as agents are too busy to at
tend to 1t. The only one / can think
of who would answer Is out of town
for q wilhelm consequence OF little
paccadillo of his In his neighbor's
private apartments while the gentle
man was supposed to be absent. His
wife was not angry but the husband
was jealous and found fault about 1t.
When Inc, returns, 1 will endeavor To
put you In communication with him.
dis christian name Is Peter Funk,
Esq. ~ elsa ta.
How are you on Impeachment /.
Give my kind regards 10 your .csti-
mable family.
In case the smaller members of
your family--I refer 10 those who
have ceased to derive their mainte
aiice from the maternal font1-pcrsist
I'm keeping you awake by fussing and
crying nights from bellyache and
such other infantile complaints as
youthful flesh IL heir TO, i would sug-
gest that YOU shut them Off from
green apples, give them dose OF
paregoric and q small spanking
1t has a. very soniferotiS effect, very.
BuL | never can spare the time To
sell those tickets In your grand gift
concern. Never! i mean Ii i'm no
opprobious way. No. Perish the
thought.
God bless YOU. Iyearn for the 40
per cent, but there Ii limit you
know, to human strength. / want a
Crosby Opera House. Very! lam
entirely o nable. / positively can't.
Plesse doilt Insist. / must peremp-
torily decline,
Yours respectfully,