Des Arc weekly citizen., 1868-05-09
SALMAGUNDI.


 devil, but he's hard crop to reap.
 sS- Can man rise above his troubles by swallowing box of yeast powder.
 saSA chap says he cured palpitatior of the heart by the application of an- other palpitatihg heart to the part affected.
 sgnAn Englisb paper advertises for sale "a perfect lady's horse" we don't care about'the horse, but perfect lady would be worth having.
 sa~A gentleman standing at his door, was asked by huckster whether he was the man of the house? In subdued tone he replied, No, my wife is."
 nea- An Irish magistrate, censuring some boys for lettering in the streets, asked, "if everybody were to stand in the streets, how anybody could get by?'
 Bsr Why are ladies like watches? Because they have beautiful faces, deli cate hands, are more admired when full jeweled, always have their hands in mans pocket, and need regulating very often.
 sEAn Irish servant girl was once requested by a lady to go to one of our dry goods stores, and obtain bed con- forter for her. About an hour after wards she returned with one of the clerks.
 BR.A little girl was lately rcproved for playing out doors with the boys, and informed that being seven years old she was too big for that now. "Why, grandma, the bigger we grow the better we like them."
 n8~O, the pup, the beautiful pup! drinking his milk from a china cup, gamboling round so frisky and free. first gnawing bone, then biting flea jumping, running after the pony beau- tiful pup you will soon be bologna.
 BgA Calvinistic old lady, on being asked abont the Universalists, replied, "Yes, they expect that everybody will be saved, but VIC look for much better things
 RB~Down in Mississippi at colorcd Sabbath school. few weeks ago, the devout teacher asked the question, "Who died for you?" After spell of silence and a spell of whispering, a "little mig" about forty ,etrs old replied, "Abrum Linkum."
 DsssA boy was relating how his father had just come in from hunting, and boasted of having killed nine hun. dred and ninty-nine pigeons at one shot, "Why didn't he call it a thou sand ?" asked a hystander. Good hca- vens!' said the boy, ''do you think my father would tell lie just for one pig eon?o
 Bas- Mrs. $. lost her husband, very good man, to whome she was much at- tached. A few days after the funeral sexton brought his bill: For digging grave, s." My graciousw said the woman, "you don't charge two dollars for digging a grave in such soft spot as that? I would willingly have dug it myself for one dollar"
 sg One very. cold night a jolly old fellow, who had been drinking too freely at tavern, started for home in a gig, and on the way was upset and thrown by the side of the road. Some persons passing short time after dis covered him holding his feet up to the moon and ejacu ating to some invisi- ble persons .'Pile on the wood, it's a miserable cold fire"
 QUESTION FOR LAwYERs.-Suppose man owns skiff'; he fastens the skif' to the shore with rope made of straw along comes COW; COW gets into the boat turns round and eats the rope; the skif' thus let loose, with the COW on board, starts down stream, and on its passage is upset; the COW is drowned. Now has the man thal owns the cow to pay for boat; or the man that owns the boat to pay for the cow?
 py~ Old gentleman at railroad depot buys ticket, putting his wallet be- tween his teeth while counts his change then with a startled look turns around, flies about searching carefully every where, stops frequently to make perv- ous investigations of his pockets, shaks his head and resumes his tramp. Comes finally to the ticket window again, and says :-"Have you seen"-and the wal let falls from his mouth to the counter, "There 'tis now! Had it in my mouth all the timev He smiles benignantly, the crowd laugh boisterously, and the curtain falls.
 DI-A Canadian relates the following: I married widow who had a grown daughter. My father visited our house very often; fell in love with my step daughter, and married her. So he be- came my son-in-law, and my step-daugh- ter became my mother. Some time after my wife had a son he was my fathers brother-in-law ahd my uncle, because he was the brother of my step mother, My fathers wife-that is my step daughter had also son; he was, of course, my brother, and the same time my grand child, because he was the son of my daughter. My wifewas my grand mother,