, 1868-05-15
%jaIIa Sjalla Statesman.
FRIDAY EVENING, May Is, 1858.
How Tom Rouaed Her.

HOW Jom h0used Her.
The wife of Tom Gordon is a victim Ia
imaginary ailments, and is never so content
as when living according to the direction Of
her medical adviser. DR.. Valentine now
understands her whims and oddities so we'll
that be humors her in every caprice if she
imagiues rheumatism is her complaint, he
agrees with her, aud prescribes some harms
less potion if she thinks her appetite is
decreasing, some bread pills keep her in good
spirits until the fancied symptoms of some
other disease induce her to send again for
him.
During tho last four years Tom has often
wished that bis wife would roll down stairs
and break her foolish head, for the reason
that the physicians and apothecary's bills
make a serious inroad upon his fortune.
About three months ago she complained
Of pain in her side, and as usual the doctor
was summoned. After prescribing three or
four bottles Of different compounds-al harm
less, but rather expensive-he said:
"All you want to assist medicine in effect
ing cure is a little rousing. Although
your ailment is serious, it is not dangerous.
Assume little energy, and you will recov'
er. Remember, rouse yourself"
After the doctor had retired, the patient
fancied that at last some serious disease was
beginning to manifest itself, and, like fool,
she went to bed in despair.
Tom understood the case thoroughly from
long experience, and said mentally:
"She wants a rousing, does she? Well,
I'll give her a surprise that will startle
her."
Mrs. Hake, an attractive widow, was ems
gagged to act in the capacity of nurse to Mrs.
G. The widow is young, buxOm, amiable,
and Tom thought her attractive qualities
might be made available in giving the patient
the necessary rousing.
A short consultation with Mrs. Hake re-
suited in the arrangement of a plan, the
execution of which was to induce Mrs. G.
to forever afterward throw physic to the
dogs.
Late the next evening, while the patient
was frettiug and groaning, and announcing
her intention of giving up the ghost, Tom
called Mrs. Huke aside and said to her, in
pretended whisper, but loud enough to be
heard by the invalid:
"Poor Fanny she is about to die at last,
and so you and l may as we'll arrange for our
marriage"
Tom threw glance over his shoulder as
he spoke, and observed the dying patient
ceased her groaning and began to rouse her
self. Arising quickly 10 sitting posture in
the bed, to note every word of the CONVEX
sation, she stared at them with eyes as big
as peeled onions.
"Twill be a relief to her." continued Tom,
"for she has always been an invalid. 1, too,
have suffered as we'll as she, but with you,
the picture of health, as my wife, happiness
will be complete"
The widow threw herself upon Toms
shoulder, her arms about his neck, and
began to chew his vest in mouthfuls to
smother her laughter.
"How soon shall We get married after she
is dead ?" asked Tom, passing his arm around
the widows substantial waist.
~ suppose you will be willing to wait
week or two?" simpered Mrs. Hake, as she
leaned her head on bis shoulder and took
another mouthful of vest.
The invalid uttered an exclamation and
landed on the floor.
"You think am going to die, do you ?"
she exclaimed. "I'll live to spite you both !
and for you''-she turned and grasped Mrs
Hake by the haircut of my house you
designing vixen 1 will act as my own nurse
hereafter
From that day to this Mrs G. has enjoyed
good health, and Tom has enjoyed good spirits
because he has not had doctors bill to pay.
He knew how to cure her; for she only
needed rousing, and Tom reused her.