Democratic enquirer. [volume] (M'arthur, Vinton County, Ohio) 1867-1873, 1868-10-08
humorous.
The Josh Billings Papers.

AN ASIA ON LONG BRANCH.
Long Branch is work of natur, and IL Q
good job.
II IL q summer resort for men, wimmin
and children, especially the latter.
Children are az plenty here, and az sweeI
az flowers in an outdoor gardin.
They play in the sand for work, and gil
their feet wet for fun.
Their IL SUM attempt at style here, bui
the prevailing disease il good sense; yu car
see this stick out in the way people take il
natral, and eazy, and don't try to outstriI
each other in wearing clothes, and them
exquisite. ~ .
didn't see but one woman here who was
dressed too Economical, and her dress was
plenty long enough at the bottom, but the
front side ov her shoulders seemed tew lack
sumthing f-
l put up at the Continental Hotel, neal
the roof Of the building, from choice.
l kan say that this house is kept good
deal, without neutralizing my dignity, for
paid the same price that the rest Of the
boarders did for my vittles.
I shall put up here agin, when cum, il
have tew straddle the ridge pole.
| never leave good hotel for better
one; learnt this fishing for frogs. If
am where the frogs bite good, that's mi
puddle. hav known folks tew swap o
good horse for poor one, jist for the sake
ov 10 dollars tew boot.
My wife puts up with me at the same
hotel; it IL an old-tashioned way we have
ov doing things
She always goes tew fashionable resorts,
where yung widders are ennyways plenty,
tew put EN- on my guard, for l am one Of
the eazyest critters on record tew be i'm
posed upon.
She has saved me (by the hare of the
head) more than six times alreddy, from
being split by the widdeTs.
| She is an ornament tew her secks-my
wife IL.
/ would like tew see q young widder, OF
emmy other man, git the start ov me when
my wife IL around.
If jist step out sudden tew get soder
cocktail tew cool my aching brow, my wife
goes tew the the end of the verandy with
me, and waits for me, and ] go down on
to the beech to astronomize jist little, all
alone by moonlite, she stands on the bluff
like beacon lite, tew warn me ov the
breakers.
No man whoze feet are slippery, and who
hain't been accidentally insured against re-
cent widders, ought to be allowed on the
Branch without wife who understands her
bizz.
The hotels now are phat with folks, awl
ov whom ackt fust rate, except the peslly
widders, and i don't see emmy thing so very
awful about them, but my wife dug, and
she knows.
The biggest thing they have got here, for
the present, IL the pool oy water in front
ov the hotel. This pool is said bi good
judges tew be 5000 miles long, and sum
places 5 miles thick.
Into this pool, every day at 10 o'olock the
folks all retire, males, females and widders,
promiskuss. tE
They dress in flannel attire, ov menny
colours, and look az near alike, when they
are in the pool, az flock ov ducks and
brakes. r.
The water in this pool haz stood so long
it haz got salty, and ought tew be changed,
and j beleave they have got bill before
the M jersey legislator for that purpose,
but Nu jersey folks are shy about trieing
experiments. They are willing tew invest
o little sumthing in ded sure thing, but
don't think they will ever undertake to
freshen the pool.
The Grecian Crook IL prevailing here
just now amung the yung ladys.
The bend seems tew be sum, WHARF near
the small ov their backs, and gives them
very intelektual look, the same az the an
shunt greeks had, altho think their walk
resembles tew much sore footed goose.
The turnouts are unkommen menny, and
silk, four in hand are frequent had the
espeshall honor oV being slung around the
bntiful ayenews and through the queenly
grounds ov Mrs. Huoy bi four white-footed
sorrels, dressed in russet and white har-
ness, and driven tew an elegant drag by
their owner, Prof. Eastman, Of Po'keep-
sic.
set up on the back seat az stiff as q
bridegroom, and evry boldly seemed tew
hav their eyes close reefed on us.
The Hon. Abiah Palmer, ov the Moo
York Senate, sat with the Professor, and
the Rev Henry Frost supported me.
The bands of musk in front Of the differ
ent hotels played for u.s. a
must say felt little big.
And it amt to be wondered at, for l hav
bin much in the habit, ov late years, ov
going afoot when rode.
The scenery here il grand, especially the
pool, and the air IL az bracing as milk
puntch.
The tables are full ov vittles, and the |
servants are az polite az dancing masters.
l gave one ov them so cent shinplaster,
and he opened and shut in front ov me for
five minnits, az easy az o jack knife that
had been recently creased.
Drinks are reasonable, espeshily out ov
the pool, and cigars must be plenty and
cheap, judging from the vast concourse ov
stnb ends Icing around loose on the
lawns
The last touch ov civilization has finally
reached Long Branch. Sum enterprising
has just opened club house,
WHARF awl kinds ov gamblingiz taught.
/ leave tomorrow at 8 o'clock D. m.