The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1868-11-21
From SunIry Sources,

To get out ofdebt, pay up. To keep out,
pay down.
"A clergyman recently married couple, and
the pair had scarcely left the church when a
rich banker rushed in, and, having heard the
facts, expressed his disgust that his daughter
should have married 'fhdt fetioU." The
banker had but just left, when in rushed
wealthy broker, who, on hearing the facts,
expressed his disgust at his sons marrying
shat gill;" An even thing all round.
-"I don't know anything about your 'Ty-
coon,' said an old Illnoisan to a man who was
discoursipg on Japan; "but when you come to
the racCOOn you'll find me at home ~
The following is description Of "a Nice
Young MANI
Attends evening parties, and hands the
mufIius around.
Smiles # he burns his fingers with the
kettle.
Plays the flute.
Parts his hair in the middle.
Takes an umbrella with him to an evening
party.
Has secret passion for Cruel.
Writes acrostics and contributes to ladies
albums.
Curls his whiskers.
Is the "Hon. Sec" to the 'Ladies' Benevo-
lent Mangle Distribution Society"
Keeps a cat and regular account of his
daily expenses.
Carries a pin-cushion and acidulated drops
about him, aud is never unprovided with
scent. bottle for fear of accidents.
Goes out in the rain to fetch a cab.
Doesn't smoke.
Has his hair and handkerchief full of
scents, and it's pity the same cannot be said
of his head.
Holds a skein of silk with exemplary pa
tience-turns over leaves of music with great
digital skill-reads novels in clear, secretary
like voice affetuoso-lisps r,oderato-jokes the
old maids allegro-quotes poetry penseroso-
runs ladies' errands prestissimo-and makes
himself generally usefullo.
When poor fellow is about to be burned
by the savages his existence is at stake.
Why is a spendthrift's purse like thun-
der cloud? Because it is continually light
ming.
Sir, you are just like the motion of
dogs taiL' "How so ?" ."Because you are a
wag."
When are gloves unstable When they
are kept on hand.
The late Queen of Spain should change
her name from Isabella to Was-a-bell-a.
An Indian chief, in telegraph office in
Montana, being told that the operator was
talking with white brother two thousand
miles distant" gave it as his opinion that
that was the "lOngest talk" ne had ever wit
messed.
-Elliot Smith was a good-naturod auc-
tioneer at Cambridge, England, whose body
exceeded in dimensions the proper corporation
standard. On him a Trinity wag wrote the
following line:-
"If flesh be grass, as some folks say,
Then Elliot smiths load cJhSy."
"A clergymen called on poor parishioner,
whom he found bitterly lamenting the loss of
an only son, a boy four or five years old. In
the hope of eonsoling the afflicted woman, he
remarked to her that zone 80 young could not
have committed any very grievous sin; and
that, no doubt, the child had gone to heaven"
"Ah, SIR" said the simple-hsarted creature,
''but Tommy was so shy-and they are all
strangers there"
"A country paper wants to know if a man
with wooden legs can be considered foot
passenger.
If man is murdered by his workmen,
should the coroner render a verdict Of killed
by his own hands
"A respectable gentleman don't like to have
heavy charge ,levelled against him-espe-
oially if 1t is in gun.
AN indignant orator at public meeting,
in refuting an opponent, Hundreds "Mr.
chairman, seorn the allegation, and defy the
alligator !"
A FIERY srEED-Horse radish.
AN American farmer says:-"We raise
four hundred bushels of potatoes to the acre
here, which would be big thing if We didn't
also raise insects enough to eat 'em all up.'
No wonder grave-yards yawn, when there
are so many sleepers there.
How is the Paris surgeon who has been
engaged to cleave Chang from Eng going to
get around the Scripture, "Whom God has
| joined together let no man put asunder"
To RENovAFE AN OLD HAT-Take it to an
evening party and leave early.