Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-07-24

Wise and Otherwise.
Attraction of metals--Draw poker.
Change for sovereign-A Repub-
lie.
The divine spark-A woiffan's first
love.
Ballet girls are wrongs which sho'd
be redressed. -..
A ground sweIl-A dandy when
knocked down.
Is the man who writes n moving
tale necessarily 1ag?
The greatest bet that ever was
made-rhe Alphabet.
"I am transported to see you" as
the convict said to the kangaroo.
Say less than you think, rather
than think only half what you say.
Satire should not he like saw, but
sword. IL should cut, but not man
gle.
A secret has been defined rs "any.
thing mnle known to everybody i'll u
whisper"
WHY is your shadow like false
friends? Because it follows you only
I'm sunshine. ~ # "
The butchers are an estimablc class.
They have long been famous for ma
king both ends meat.
"Brown, what did you clear by
that grand speculation ?n
Clear? Why cleared my pock-
ets.n
"Hallo, Bill, lend me five dol
FAIRS ?u
you are mistaken i'm the man, sir,
FIN not five dollar BILL"
"Oi, auntic,n cried little Amy, "do
make Freddie behave himself: for
every time that / hit him on the
head with the mallet he bursts out a
crying"
F. "Are you near sighted, miss ?"
said an impudent fellow to a young
lady who did not once choose to no.
tice him.
Eyes at this distance can hardly
tell whether you are pig or a pup
py."
elbow old is your mamma ?"
asked q love smitten old bachelor of
the daughter of the widow who had
enchanted him. 81 don't know, sir !;
mas age varies from about forty
three TO twenty-five" was the artless
reply, and the bachelor was Olsen.
chantcd.
A clergyman, who went to sea In a
Pacific mail steamer, writes to the
Independent:
"The first hour under way felt as
II wanted to go ashore; the second
hour / felt rs if / should die; the
third hour 1 didn't caro- whether /
died or not; the fourth hour 1 was
afraid j shouldn't die"
An observing individual, in a very
healthy village, seeing the sexton ut
work i'm hole I'm the ground, inquir-
ell what Inc was about. digging q
grave, SIR"
"Di gging grave! Why 1 thought
people, didn't die often here-do
they ?"
"Oh, no, sir; they never die but
once"
"This is George the Fourth" said
nm exhibitor of waxwork for the mill
lion, ut threepencc each, pointing to
a very slim figure with q theatrical
crown on his head. ~ thought he
was a stout man." observed q specta-
tor. avery likely" observed the
man, shortly, not approving of the
comment of his visitor; "but If you'd
been here without victuals half so
long as he has. you'd been twice so
thin.
"Mv dear Amelia,n said Mr.. O. ID.
Collone TO the young lady whose
smiles he was seeking, II have long
wished for this sweet opportunity,
but I hardly dare trust myself now
to speak the deep emotions of my
FACILITATING heart; but | declare to
you my dear Amelia that / love you
most tenderly: your smiles would
shed, would she'd"
"Never mind the wood she'd" says
the dear Amelia, "go on with that
pretty talk"
He went-out.
At q party in Iowa City, while
ngo, the Rev. Samuel Storrs Howe, q
frisky bachelor of over fifty winters,
happened to be present-as usual
One of the ladies ut the tea table
thought to enliven the conversation
by addressing him upon the subject
of hrs recently setting up bachelors
HAIL." and asked how he got along
if he felt at home, &c.
"Why, yes ma'am," was the reply.
az begin to feel good deal in the
family way"
The ladies bit their lips and con-
cluded the information was too good
TO keep--from their husbands.
A backwoodsman was invited to q
dinner by a family of settlers, just
arrived, aud after the usual courses
had been considered, dish Of cream
was placed before him. This was q
positive novelty to him. He took up
the plate examined closely the gilt
tering particles, and finally ventured
to take q very delicate taste. AS the
cream passed his throat, he drew all
the muscles of his face into fright
full position, gave q loud whistle, and
turning to his host said:
stranger, this may be all fired
good--indeed, it is Gerry good pud-
ding, but allow me to inform you
that it is nightly frozen. No offence
Intended. 1 knew, of course, you
were unaware Of its condition"
A certain lawyer had his portrait
taken i'm his favorite attitude, stand
ing with one hand i'm his pocket
D His friends and some of his clients
went to see it. Almost everybody
said:
"Oh, how much it is like him! 1t
is the very picture of him!"
One honest old farmer, who hap
pened to be present, thought differ
emily.
"'Taint bit like him.
"'Tisn't, ell ?" said half-a-dozen
of them at once; 'Just show us now
wherein 1t is not capital like
ness ?"
"Wa'al, faint; no use talkin'; /
tell you 'tain't!n
"Well, why? Can't you tell us why
it amt good likeness ?'
ayes, easy enough. Don't you see
that he has go: his hand i'm his own
pocket? 'Twould be just as good
ag'in if he only had it in somebody
eLse's 1"
How the ParSon got Ex-
cited