Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-10-13
Phatg7a.


A DIsC-COVER-Y-Ane eclipse
A make shift-a sewing machine.
Tonsorial agriculture Top-dressing.
A crafty occupation-Ship building.
The boarding house mystery-Hash.
A side issue-Woman at the creation.
SPIRITS OVER PRooF-Printers' devils.
The hard ships of the ocean-Iron clads.
A big card of fortunc-The trump of fame.
PSYCHOLOGISTS BELOW STAIRs--Scullions.
A Sunday school boy defines conscience as
an inward iron clad.
How to turn an honest penny-First work
for it, then put it on lathe.
STALE, FLAT AND UNPRoFITABLE -
High" soles.
PossIBLY-Has humorous person dry
tongue?"
Straws, and ladies skirts show which way
the wind blows.
Is there any perceptble improvement in a
caterpillar when he turns over a new leaf.
CAN the readers of the "Proverbial Philos-
ophy'' be called the UPPER ten thousand?
Monuments are poor investments bad dom c
deserve them, and the good don't need them.
Some people are very dull when perfectly So
Der like wafer, they must be we'll wetted to
be good for anything.
L am surprised my dear, that have never
seen you blush The fact u.s. husband, [ was
born to blush unseen
Formed long ago, yet made to-day
Pm most in Use when others SIpen
What few would like to give away,
And none would ever like to keep.-A bed.
The New York Herald says, by way of joke
on the leg drama, that great many people
have fallen down and worshipped the fatted
calf.
ONLY FAIR-The Southern Railway Com
panies have we'll increased their fares. A great
many passengers have consequently paid them
fare well.
A California paper speaks of an enterpri-
sing and highly successful murderer as having
"a wonderful talent for bereaving any family
he does not happen to like.
Mr. Pitt, of Kidderminster, gave the follow
ing toast in compient to the carpet manufac-
lures: May the trade of Kidderminster be
trampled under foot by all the world
Jofn-"Now. Thomas, ain you ready? The
carriage is waitln'I Thomas-''I amt 60
ing. Ii Missus is equal to carriage hexercise
in this 'ot weather, | am mott.
Mr. Swingwell sugar-coats his speach Says
his father was in the hemp business all the last
portion of his life. But Swingwell doesn't add
that it was directly under the gallows
The clerk of cockney church recently made
the following announcement to the congrega-
ton: You are desired to attend meeting in
the vestry, at four clock, to consider on the
best means of eating the church, and to digest
other matters.
A DISTANT RELATIVE You have lost
some of your friends, [ see" said a traveller to
negro whom he had met on the road Eyes,
massa' WAS it near or distant relative ~
well, purity distant-'bout twenty-four mile, "
was the reply.
Nine tenths of mankind are born grumblers.
During the recent wet spell gentleman ven
tured to congratulate his umbrella maker
Yes, that's all very well, sir, he replied but
then there's nothing whatever doing in para
soils
AFTER long drought there fell torrent of
rain, during which one farmer observed to an
other: This is a Providential rain. hope
it will bring up everything out of the ground"
To this the other replied, with dubious shake
of the head: Il can't say as | agree with you
there, neighbor I've buried three wives in
the ground, and [ should mortally hate to see
EN- all come up again.
There is such thing as having too many
children if your memory is poor. The other
night Spriggins counted his brood, but could
only make up fourteen. ''How is this?' he
asked his wife; Il thought there were fifteen
of them at the last census? p $50 there were,
Oh lint of ad
that ''Indeed!' said Spriggins, meditative
ly, ''why, seems to me | heard of that at the
time"
A little darkey was recently found sitting on
the stoop of "a fashionable house not far from
Saratoga, crying pitifuly. What's de matter,
wild you? asked a colored woman. Matter huff
double trouble all ober de house. Fader am
drunk-mudder hab gone home wild cloze-sis
broke de looking glass wild de broomstick-de
baby got her eyes full of kyan pepper, and lit
tie Ned Antony put de mustard on de har for
COOS greese | put salt in my tea for white SUI
gar, and it makes me sea sick. De dog licked
Ned S face, and got his mouth full of mustard
and lies under de bed howlen. De kitten got
to sabe de pitcher, and den hab tc break de
pitcher to get de head out, and de way I'll get
licked when mudder comes home for setting de
bed afre, will be a sin.
ONE of our eldest and most respectable citi-
zens called into the establishment of Joking
druggist recently, and, overcome by the sultry
weather, sat down in q chair and was soon en-
toying sound slumber. Observing that the
sleeper had on fine new hat the druggist gent.
ly removed it, substituting in its place an old
one with a sadly dilapidated and rusty crown.
The drowsy citizen at last awoke, and after a
few "h-hums, ~ felt of the hat, which was rath-
err a tight fit. Removing it from his head and
taking steady gaze at the battered relic, he
turned to the druggist and inquired did l
sleep a long timer Yes replied the joker,
"a very long time We'll" continued the
first; should judge | had, for when [ came
into your store this id old hat was brand
newI"
Whv would the sea make better house-keep-
or than the earth? Because the earth is exceed
ingIy dirty and the sea is very tidy.
What isthe difference between physognoamist
and Dol our late war? One writes about the face,
s ana other 9TH was fight about race