Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-04-03

Heaven.
What is the largest room in the
worldg The room for improve
ment.
Mrs. Cobb proposes, In case her
Andy is convicted. that he pardon
himself.
He who buys what he does not
want, will want that which he can
not buy.
There are seven thousand lawyers
In Pennsylvania--one to every eight
voters.
Why is q prudent man like pin ?
Because his head prevents him from.
going too far.
There are 81 1896 lawyers In the
United States. They average about
100 clients apiece.
Petroleum waste Is making havoc
with the shad fisheries In the
Schuylkill and Delaware rivers.
There are young woman who will
lay their heads upon the bosom OF
one lover to gaze and wink at an
another.
The Washington monument has
reached the height of ia feet, at a cost
of S240, 900, and is to be further elevat-
cd 374 feet.
When young men begin to sing
1--WE won't GO home till morning"
they are i'm a fair way not to get there
much before that time.
A young man who recently took
find it half so hard to get married as
he did to get the furniture.
.'Can you tell me, madam, what is
the occasion of that BELLS ringing 2"
,"I suppose, sir, jt Is accustomed by
somebody at the end of the rope"
An Ohio boy married a well pre-
served widow of sixty, and his father
avenged himself by wedding the
grand daughter of his new daughter
in-law. eNsG&
A young Frenchman In Lille re-
Gently Killed his two brothers "to re-
duce the family expenses and the
courts found d verdict of extenuating
circumstances.
d Halo, Frank, thought you was
dead? "Oh,n said Frank, "they did
get story around that / was dead,
but it was another man. / knew ii
wasn't me as soon as 1 heard OF it.
A disturbed preacher remarked,
IF that cross-eyed lady in the side
aisle, with red hair and blue bon
net, don't stop talking, 1 must point
her out to the congregation"
Husband searching vigorously In
his waistcoats pockets. The wife in
quires: "Have you lost your watch,
love ?'' and he replies: mo, dear,
1t was a new bonnet / had for you
somewhere"
A western editor remarks that he
is glad to receive marriage notices
but requests that they be sent soon
after. the ceremony, and before the
divorce is applied for. He had sever
oil notices spoiled this way.
The name of, Horace Greeley was
recently called i'm the Constitutional
Convention at Albany. There being
no response, waggish member cried
out: Hes gone to Washington to
bail out the President!n
Some of the Democratic papers are
afraid that President Johnson will
not have a clearing" Andy has
been r"heardn very often and very
readily for the past two years. 1t
would be better fer him Ii he had
not.
Transported for Life-A man who
marries happily.
The paper containing many fine
points-Paper of needles.
Many persons study Book Keep
ing at the expense of the city libra
ries.
"Alister, nanny sent me TO the
quicker'n blaZes, to
get thimhle full of polly Collie in
this tin dipper--coz we havn't bot a
gottle, and the kint pups got the
bine Writer'S in Ii, and bub, he's got
the picker chox-awfiR!"
A young man, not many miles
from here, wentC counting, and find
ing himself out of anything to say,
and it being, suppose, a very bad
night, he hitched his chair toward
hers, and said: "a bad night on
dumb brutes and sheep, this"
An Irishman, short time in the
was eating green boiled |
corn. After eating off all the corn,
be passed the cob back to the lady, |
who sat at the head of the table, say |
ing: "Wo'd We phase be so kind as |
10 put some more beans on this here |
stick g
A misguided eastern paper says
that one of the Inconvenience of
building railroad across the prairies
was illustrated a few days ago, when
An engine ran off the track and was
aot stopped until it had run into the
woods one hundred and forty feet
rom the track.
A farmer wrote as follows to dis
scientific agriculturist, to I
whom be felt under obligations for
a variety of swine: IRE
,pected sir-I went yesterday to q
,attle show. / found several pigs of
your species. There was great va
'iety hogs, and was astonished at
lot seeing you there"
There is a certain lady of rank and
ashton in Paris who constantly be-
ieves harself to be dying. To her
who is absent on political
mission, she recently sent the follow
ng telegraph "Return instantly.
am ill--dying.p TO which M. de
pressing business.
Wait fortnight" Madame de
las waited. 80
'Halloo, steward exclaimed fell
ow in one of the steamboats, after
laving retired to bed; halo, stew
rd.f
what, nlassa p S.
Bring me the way BILL
Nv hat for, massa p
Il want to see If these bed-bugs put
own their names for this berth be-
ore did. Ifnot, want them turn
d out,
A celebrated divine who was re-
i'm the first period of his
for a boisterous mode of
suddenly changed his
shole manner in the pulpit, and
dopted mild and dispassionate
node of delivery. One of his breth-
en-. observing It, inquired of him
THAT had induced him to make the
hange. He answered, "When was
Dung thought it was thunder that
illed the people, but when grew
4 a !. -