Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1868-01-03
VOL. XXXV.
0Bio Statesman,
Oysters.

Oysters.
At alate hour one night the door of
an oyster house in st. Louis was thrown
open and in stalked a hero from the
Sucker State (Ilfinois). He was quite
six feet high, spare countenance, and his
hands pushed clear down to the bottom
of his breeches pockets. His outer COW
ering was hard to describe, but after sur
veying it minutely we concluded that his
snit had been made in his boyhood, of a
dingy yellow linsey-woolsey, and that
having sprouted up with rapidity, he
had been forced to piece it out with all
colors. In spite of his exertions, how
ever, he had fallen in arrears about foot
of his natural length, and consequently
stuck that far through his inexpressibles.
His crop of hair was surmounted by the
funniest little seal-skin cap Imaginable.
After taking position, he indulged in
long stare at the man opening the BIZ
valves, and slowly calculated "iysters!''
Eyes, sir, and fines one too," respond
ed the attentive operator.
"Well, I've heard of iysters afore,
but this is the first time I've seed 'em,
and perhaps will know what they're
made of afore get out of town."
Having expressed this desperate in
tention, he cautiously approached the
plate and scrutinized the uncased shell
fish with gravity and interest which
would have done honor to the most H.
lustrious searcher into the mysteries of
nature. At length he began to solilo-
quize upon the difficulty Of getting them
out and how queer they looked when got
out. ni 2s o a. 2oE
II never seed such things hold on so !!
takes an amazin' sight of screwin',
hoss, to get 'em out, and amt they slick
and slippery when they does come |!
Smooth as an eel! I've good mind to
give that fellow lodgin' just to realize
the effects, as uncle Jess used to say
about the speculation" eta..z tas' a'
n"Well. sir, down with two bits, and
you can have Dozen"
1.-TWO bits !" exclaimed the Sucker
"Sticking it on rite strong, boss, for iys-
tiers A dozen on them amt nothin' to
a chicken, and there's no gettin' more
than piece for them. I've only real
lied forty-five picayunes on my first ven-
ture to St. Louis. I'll tell you what
Ill gin you two chickens for dozen, if
you'll conclude to DEAL"
A wag who was standing near by, in
dulging in a dozen, winked to the at
tendant to shell out, and the offer was
accepted. Is -'iilw 7s- .'"' 77s<
"Now mind" repeated the sucker,
call fair-two chickens for dozen
ye're witness, mister"-turning at the
same time to the wag-"none of your
tricks. for I've heard that you city fell
lows are mighty slippery coons." .
The bargain being fairly understood,
our Sucker prepared himself for the on
set, deliberately put on his seal skin,
tucked up his sleeves, and fork in hand,
awaited the appearance of No. L. 1t
came-he saw-and quickly it was
Ibolted. 80 =
A moments dreadful pause ensued
T The wag dropped his knife and fork
with look of mingled amazement and
horror something akin to Shakespeare
Hamlet seeing his daddy's ghost-wbile
he burst into the exclamation -. ssd1 (
"Swallowed alive, by thunder! %
Our Sucker hero had opened his mouth
with pleasure minute before, but now
it stood open. Fear-a horrid dread Of
he knew not what-a consciousness that
all was not right, and ignorant of the
extent of the wrong-the uncertainty Of
the moment was terrible. Urged to des
peration, he faltered: ee-a Il 2 ~ --si
"What on airth is the row?'' ..
I "Did you swallow it aliye?" inquired
1.-The wag. s:fs7.,r} ,ietas 5-g,.s- -, i
"I swallowed it just as he gin it tt
me-" roared the Sucker. ~ =
you're dead man The creature
is alive, and will eat right through
you," said the anxious friend, hope
llessly. 4
"Git a pizen pump and pump it out p
yelled the Sucker, in frenzy-his eyes
fairly starting from their sockets. &C
gracious, what will do! It's got hold
Of my innards already, and I'm dead az
a chicken! Do something for me, do
Don't let the internal sea toad eat me
before your eyes!" -..
"Why don't you put some of this on
it," inquired the wag, pointing to a bot
tie of strong pepper sance.
The hint was enough. The Sucke
on the instant seized the bottle, and
wrenching out cork, swallowed half tn,
contents at a drught.
He fairly sqnealed from its effects ant
gasped and blowed and twitched ant
twisted as if it we're coursing through
, him with electric effect, while at tn,
! same time his eyes ran a stream of tears
; At length becoming little composed
j his waggish adviser approached him
! ! almost bursting with suppressed laugh
ter, and asked him:
"How are you now, old fellow? Dit
you kill it2''
I "WeIl did, hoss! Ugh-ugh-oh--
Q oh-ho-my innards! If that iyeste
critters dying agonies didn't stir rup
tion in me equal to small earthquake
then tain't no use sayin' it. 1t squirm
ed like sarpint when that killin' stut
touched it. sBut," and here with
countenance made up of suppresse
agony and present determination, h
paused to give force to his words an
slowly and deliberately remarked:
"If you get two chickens from me 70
that live animal, I'll be -" an
seizing his seal skin, he vanished.
WE have little revelation fror
Springfield, Massachusetts. A lady
| 1