Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1868-11-18
HORACE GREELEY
Marx r7vain's Humorous Description OF

assemblies them in the library, by candle
light, and after quoting the beautiful
lInes;
"Earlv 70 bed and early TO rise
Makes 1 man healthy, wealthy and wise /"
he appoints each individuals task for the
dav, sets him at it With encouraging words,
ana goes back to bed again. | mention
Here, in no fault-fndiug spirit, but with
che Difference Justly due man who is
older and W ser and wor,hier than l, that
he shores awfully Ia moment Of irri-
tation, once, | was rash enough to say |
never would sleep with him until he broke
himself of this unfortunate habit have
kept my word With bigoted and unwaver-
ing determination.
At half past IL o'clock Mr.. Greeley
rises again. He shaves himself. He con-
sidera- that there is great virtue in econo-
1sv in shaving himself He does it with
dull razor, sometimes humming part Of
tune Che knows part of a tune and takes
ar innocent delight in regarding, it as the
Srst half of Old Hundred but parties
familiar with that hymn have felt obliged
to confess that they could not recognize it.
and. therefore, the noise he makes is
doubtless an unconcious original compo
sition Of Mr. Greeley's), and sometimes,
when the razor is especially dull, be &C
companies himself with formula like
this "Damn the damned razor and the
damned outcast who made It'll. G..
He then goes out into his model garden,
and applies his vast store Of agricultural
knowledge to the amelioration of his cab
bages after which he writes an able agri
cultural article for the instruction of
American farmers, his soul cheered the
while with reflection that if cabbages were
worth s1l apiece his model farm would
pay.
He next goes to breakfast, which is a
frugal. abstenious meal with him, and
sonsists of nothing but just such things as
tfle market affords, nothing more. He
drinks nothing but water-nothing what
ever but water, and coffee, and tea, and
Scotch ale, and lager-bier and lemonade
With fly in sometimes house fly and
sometimes horse fly, according to the
amount of inspiration required to warm
Him up to his daily duties. During
breakfast he reads the Tribune all through,
and enjoys the satisfaction Of knowing
that ali the brilliant things in it, written
by Young, and Cooke, and Hazard and
myself are attributed to him by confd-
ing and internal public.
After breakfast he writes short edito-
rial, and puts large dash at the beginning
of it, thus (-), which is the same as if
he put H. g. after it, and takes a savage
pleasure in rejecting that none Of US
dnderstrappers can use that dash, except
in profane conversation when chafng over
the outrage. He writes this editorial in
his own handwriting. He does it because
he is so vain of his penmanship. He
always did take an inordinate pride in his
penmanship. He hired out once, in his
young days as a writing master, but the
enterprise failed Tine pupils could not
translate his remarks with any certainty
His first copy was Virtue is its own re
ward" and they got it Washing with
soap is wholly absurd, and so the trustees
discharged him for attempting to convey
bad morals through the medium of worse
penuanship. But, as | was saying, he
writes his morning editorial Then he
tries to read it over, and can't do it, anG
so sends it to the printers, and they try
20 read it, and can't do i and so they Sc,
It up at random as YOU may say, putting
IN what words they can make out, anC
when they get aground on long WORD
they put in reconstruction or universe
suffrage, and spar off and paddle ahead
and next morning, if the degraded public
can tell wha5 it is all about, they say
Fl. G.. wrote it, and If they can't they sa,
it is one OF those imbecile understrappers
and that is the END Of it.
On Sundays Mr. Greeley sits in &
prominent pew in Mr.. Chapin's church
and lets on that he his asleep, and the cor
gregation regard it as an eccentricity Of
genius.
When he is going to appear in public
Mr.. Greeley spends two hours on MS toll
ct. lie is the most pains taking and elab.
crate man about getting up his dress that
lives IN America This is his chiefest and
his pleasantest foible He puts on his
old white oYereoat, and turns up the collar
He puts on soile1 shirt, saved from the
wash, and leaves one end of the collar
unbuttoued. he put on his most dilapi-
dated hat, turns it wrong side before,
eants it on 10 the back of his head Eand
jams an extra dent in the side of it. He
puts on his most atrocious boots, and
spends fifteen minutes tucking the left
leg of his pants into his boot-top in what
shall seem the most careless and uns:ud-
led way. But his cravat-it is into the
arrangement Of his eravat that he throws
all his soul, all the powers of his great
mind. After fixing at it for forty min
utes before the glass it is perfect-it is
askew every way--it overfows his coat
collar on one side and sinks into oblivion
on the other--lt climbs and it delves
around about his neek-the knot is con-
splcuously displayed ander his left ear
and 1t stretches one of its lone ends
straight out horizontally, and the ether
goes after his eyes, in tAe good old food
les fashion and then, completely and
naryelously appareled, Mr.. Greeley
strides forth, rolling Ike sailor, mira
Gle Of astounding cos:umery, the awe and
the wonder Of the nations
Be | havn't time to tell the rest of his
private habits. Suffice it that he is an
upright and an honest man-a practical,
great brained man-a useful man to his
nation and bis generation-a famous man,
who has justly earned his eelebrity-and