Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1868-12-11
pAHBTONNA

rant, and wasasked by waiter whathe would
have? "Why, somethin' to ateav course"
was the reply. A plate Of hash was placed
before him. 'sFot's that p demanded he.
s.That's wittles," was the answer. He eyed
the compound suspiciously for time, and f.
nally exclaimed: 'Be jabers the man that
chew'd that can ate it y
A REFRA1N.-A bachelor Of ours was
discovered yesterday evening, in the lone
illness of his chamber, chanting the following
expressive lines:
';Whee remember all
The girls Pve met together,
feel like rooster in the Fall,
Exposed to every weather.
feel like one who treads alone
Some barn-yard all deserted,
Whose oats are fied-Whose hens are dead
And off to market started
SIZE is Norn1SG "A talented young At
rican, of the boot-black persuasion while
dancing like St. Titus over customers
boots the other day, observed neighbor por-
ing wisely over Newspaper, whereupon he
addressed him thus:
Julius, what de debel you lookin' at dat
paper fur :? You can't read
''Go way, fe!lah," replied the other in
dignantly. s'Guess I can read. Use big
huff fur dat"
big 'nuf," retorted the first one, scorn-
fully. "Dat ant muffin. A cows big huff
to cotch mice. but she can't do it,
ADVANTAGES OF PROFESSIONAL EDUcA-
r1oS.-sDoctor," said an old lady the other
day, to her family physician, ''can you tell
me how it is that some folks is born dumb :
::Why, hem-why, certainly, madam" re-
piled the doctor, bowling. sit is owing to the
fact that they came into the world without
the power of speech p ''La me !" remarked
the old lady, ''jest see what it is to have a
phvsic education: I've axed my old man
more nor hundred times, that ar same
thing. and all that could ever get out Of
him was, ''kase they as
A SLIGHT MIsrAKE.-Thcrc is a magls-
trate named Helser, in town in Indiana.
4 clergymen of the same place was called
upon by young couple not long since, who
wished him to join them in the holy bonds
of matrimony. He asked the bridegroom
Ga soldier by the way) for his marriage Ii
cense. The man in blue responded that he
had been engaged TO the girl four years. and
thought that would do. Clergyman thought
not. and remarked as the speediest way to
obtain license:
"You had better take your girl and 60 to
Helser?'
lyon 50 to hell yourself..'' retorted the
angry veteran.
And selling the bride by the arm, he
dragged her from the house wondering what
manner of profane minister he had met
with
An ACCOMMODATING JUDGE.-At far
western court the case of Smith VS.. Jones
was called on.
"Who's for the PLAINTIFF" inquired the
Judge impatiently.
''May it please the court" said rising
member Of the legal fraternity, "Pilkins is
for the plaintiff, but left him just now over
in the tavern playing game of poker. He's
got sucker there, and he is sure to skin
aim, right smart, if he has only time He's
got everything all set to ring a cold deck,
IN which case he'll deal for himself four aces
and for his opponent four queens, 80 that
your honor will perceive that he must rake
the persimmons.
q Dear me!!' said the judge, with sigh /;
.'that's too bad It happens at a very untor-
tunate time I am very anxious to get on
with this case"
A brown study followed. and at length
happy idea struck the Judge:
s'Bill," said he. addressing the friend of
the absent Pilkins who had just spoken,
"you understand poker about as well as Pix
ms. Suppose yon 60 over and play his
hand J"
And Bill did so.
Served Right.
Deacon W was a staid and honest
deacon ofaa interior town in New York, who
had vein Of dry caustic humor in his COM
position The deacon had boy Of some
dozen summers, who was Inclined to be
little ugly when not under the parental eye
In school, especially, John was a source of
constant annoyance to the teacher. One
day the teacher punished him for some mis-
aemvanor, and John went home to enter his
complaint. and told mis- father that the teach
or had whipped him.
What exclaimed the deacon, eleva-
ting his eyebrows. been whipped 2
-a-a-s," sobbed the boy
And did you let woman whip We ?
shouted he deacon.
Y-a-a-s l couldn't help it."
''Now, John, you little rascal, you 60 to
school to- morrow and if Miss undertakes
to whip you, don't let her if you can help it.
Don't take stick to strike with, but ye may
strike, bite and kick as much as you have a
mind toy
The next day the boy went to school, and
emboldened by the permission given by his
father. vas soon brought before the tribunal
Of violated rules, The teacher undertook to
correct him, and he did as his father had
told him. The result was that John got
most unmerciful thrashing, and was thor
oughly subdued. When he went home he
went to his father, crying:
well, dad got an orful licking to-day.
"What !" said the old deacon, '.have you
let that old woman whip ye again p
"Ya-a-s." whispered John. II Kicked
her, and struck her, and fit all I could, but
she damned me orfulIy"
"Aha !" chuckled the humorous cid dea-
con ; 'syou 'tarnal fool, knew she would +;
and she'll give you trouncing every time
she undertakes it. and would advise you
to behave in future.
John began to have some perception Of
his fathers motive. and ever after was a
better and wiser boy,