Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-03-03
Sh0rps d Flats.

When is ship like a counterfeit? When
she FORCES ahead
Why does the atmosphere of a dungeon re-
semble great philosopher? Because it is a
pault-am (Voltaire)
That's part of the sinking fund.- as chap
said when box of money went to the bottom
of the river
The Albany Statesman gives sketch of a
lecture by blind man and grayely says he
spoke without notes."
In list of premiums awarded at country
fair, reporter gave under the head OF " Do
mestic Articles-Best Bed Comforter, Miss
Mary Hail."
An outside passenger on coach had his hat
blown over a bridge into stream. True to
nature" said gentleman seated beside him,
"A 6eauer naturally takes to water.
When man and woman are made one by a
clergyman, the question is, which is the one P
Sometimes there is a long struggle between
them before the matter is finally settled.
Husband, hope you have no objection to my
being weighed" - Certainly not my dear, but
why do you ask?" Only to see, love, if you
will let me have my weigh once.
Mr.. L. receives letter; he knows the hand
writing-he wants to read in haste-it is al
ready dark, he strikes light-tears paper
and lights candle, but the letter is gone-he
has used it to light the candle
"You are very stupid, john" said a coun-
try teacher to little boy eight years DID,
"You are like donkey and what do they do
to cure him of his stupidity?'' ''Why, they
feed him more and lick him less, SO said the ur-
chin.
A Juryman was asked whether he had
been charged by the presiding judge. "Well, !"
said he, the little fellow that sits up in the
pulpit and bosses it over the crowd gin us
lecture, but don't know whether he charges
anything or not.
A very considerate hotel-keeper, advertising
his Burton xxx" concludes the adver-
tisement IN. B. Parties drinking more than
four glasses of this potent beverage at one sit
ting, carefully sent home gratis in a wheel-bar-
row, if required"
Where was John Rodgers burnt to death ?"
SAID the teacher in commanding voice. 1
couldn't tell-to the next-no answer "Josh-
Va knows" said little girl at the foot of the
class. ''Well," said the teacher, eff Joshua
knows he may tell. % ''In the fire, " said Josh
VA, looking very solemn and wise.
A prominent bachelor politician on the Ken
nebeck, remarked to lady that soapstone was
excellent to keep the feet warm in bed.
Yes, said the young lady, who had been
an attentive listener, but some gentleman
have an improvement on that which YOU know
nothing about - VI
The bachelor turned pale and maintained a
wistful silence.
A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY. -Apropos to the
mania now so prevalent throughout the country,
Mr.: John Quill makes the following offer Il
will walk with any good looking girl, who has
fortune In her own right, upon any given
moonlight night, both parties to 20 as slow as
they. please, and neither to hurry back to the
starting point. [ will then, on the word, walk
into her affections, and walk off with her for
tune"
A young gent. of our acquaintance, was so cir
cumstanced at the dismissal of the congregation
at church in the country, that he felt it to be
his incumbent duty to assist lady bv leading
her horse to the stile being naturally diffident,
and easily confused when near the fair sex, he
did not see, until asked by her to turn him
round please" that he had placed the right
hand side of the horse near the stile instead
OF the left, his mistake was soon discovered by
number of ladies and gentlemen, who. to in.
crease his bushes, INDUCED in very audible
litter. When last heard from he was at home.
A lad from the "Green ISLE, whose occupa-
ton is that of backing stoves, freplaces, stove
pipes &c. bearing upon his arm not of backing
with brushes and other implements of his trade
addressed denlZen of the CITY, who was stand
ing at the door:
Has your honor any stove to polish this
morning I'm the boy for that business"
The person addressed not being of a courte.
Gus manner, gruf1y answered:
go about your business
Pat moved a few steps off, to be out of
reach of kick, and replied:
y our honor would not be the worse for
little polishing yourself, I'm thinking"
Patrick, before he became Joined in the bonds
Of Holy Wedlock" with Bridget. was in the
service of father McNulty. One day that
good priest expected call from Protestant
minister, and wished for some excuse to get rid
OF hlm 80 calling Patrick, he proceeded to
give him instructions.
Patrick, " said he, ''if that minister comes
here to-day, l do not wish to see him
Yes, yer reverence"
Make some kind of an excuse and send
him away" ''-'>~ ''-'N
what shall tell him if he comes, your
reverenceP' '0N-
'9Tell him I'm not athome.'
Would ye have me tell lie to him. yer riy-
erence?''
mo, no, Patrick; but get him out some way
give him an evaSlve answer"
An evasive answer is it?" I'll do f. av
course, your reverence.
The matter thus arranged, father Mac re-
tired to his library, and Patrick went about his
duties. About dusk in the afternoon, the wor-
thy priest came out of his room and found Pat
rick in unusually good spirits.
We'll Patrick, " said he, 'did the minister
Eyes, SIRE"
r. And did you get rid of him ?'
''And what did you say to him?'
IT gave him an evasive."
sAn evasive answer, Patrick ?''
yves, yer reverence.
"And what did you say to him ?"
HE axed me was We in, and LIQUID him acas
his grandmother a maonkey?"