Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1868-01-04
VARIETY OF HOGS.

their tail, but by reason Of personal
peculiarities in their intercourse with
the rest Of mankind, and a general mean,
disposition.
The social hog is o downright hummer
on the community. He is too lazy to
work, too mean to starve, and not enter
prising enough to be q thief; so he de-
liberately settles himself down upon the
bounty Of his friends and the general
sufferance of society. He makes all the
friends he can, and invariably sticks up
for them afterwards. He never ''throws
off" on any Of them it is a matter Of
bread and butter with him, besides
clothes aud whisky. He is always ready
to eat aud drink with you, or even wear
your clothes and sleep in your bed. He
can chew more of your tobacco, and tell
more filthy stories, than anybody else;
and always pokes his snout into COM
pany, regardless of whether he is wanted
or not. As to that matter, if tho cold
shoulder is shown him, he Is persistent
ly blind to it, and endeavors with moro
assiduity than ever to work himself into
your good graces. He generally man
ages to wear a clean collar and keep up
a sort of halfway respectable outside
appearance, but his wash bills are never
large, and seldom paid. He is a gen.
cral scallywag, "into everybody's mess
and nobody's watch" He never
amounts to anything. He lives a "bum-
mer," and when he dies is considered
doubly q dead-head," in that he has
to be buried at the public expense.
The political hog always tries to hog
oil the offices he can, especially those Of
a lucrative nature. He don't caro- .
straw whether he is capable or not, he
wants Office for its advantages and
emoluments. Devoid Of political hon.
csty, he roots around among all classes
Of people, ready to kiss the feet Of any
faction OIL party thathe thinks may have
the power to put him into office. Pre-
cious little does he care about ''princi-
pies" in politics, let him pratc as hc
will. He looks we'll to the interest OF
"Number one" first, and the interests OF
the country aftcrwards-perhaps. lfhe
ever does a mar q political favor, he
expects ono ten times as large in return.
He will stoop to the lowest resorts in
order to sscure votes, and will ride into
office on the meanest kind of q political
jackass, sooner than not win the race.
The religious hog is uarrow-minded,
illiberal, selfish and bigoted in the OK
trcme. \ self-righteous Pharisce, he
considers all who do not think just as
he does, and act accordingly, as beyond
the sphere of his saucti6ed sympathy or
regard, and only ct subjects for that
hell to WHICH he recklessly consigns all
except himself and q favored few. He
contributes SYSTEMATICALLY to the sup
port of foreign missions, and for the dis
tribution Of tracts and bibles among the
Ashnadoodle Indians or the Fejee can
nibals, while he would see his poor
neighbor freeze and starve before he
would give him o stick Of wood or a
cold potato. He is eternally intruding
his own religious views, and angry with
all who refuse to swallow the dose a. he
gives il to them. Self satisfied of his
own inherent sanctity and perfection, it
becomes q question in his mind whether
himself or God was really the creator Of
mankind.
The editorial hog thinks himself q
perfect Jupiter, seated on a high liter
airy Olympus, from which he hurls his
would-be terrible ~lightniugs upon a
trembling world. He considers himself
the great arbiter Of human destinies
and the shaper of all public ends. He
is q big wagon, on little wheels. Just
excite the vengeance of this literary hog
and see how he will bristlo up and
snort round. He takes advantage Of
his journalistic position to suit his own
ends and serve his own personal spites,
ever ready to write q "crusher," in or
der to crafty some petty malice, not
even a cobbler or a swill.cart nan being
beneath his notice in that respect. So
essential does he consider himself to
the public welfare and general direction
of mankind that he at length becomes
imbued with the idea that in Ease he
should die, everything would 60 wrong;
the rivers would all run up hill, the sun,
moon and stars fall from the heavens,
and the earth como to q stand still, until
the great resurrection day, when he
arises and shines once nor
The theatrical hog willtully sits with
his huge "plug," or broad brimmed hat
on his head, regardless of those unfor-
in the rear seats who are striy-
ing to get a good look at the play. How
that internal hat does increase in i'm
mensity in the eyes Of the luckless fell
low who, sitting just behind, lodges
rom side to side, trying to peep past it.
The theatrical hog is a great critic, in
his own estimation, and as he sits with
his giant mind concentrated critically up
On each movement or articulation of the
actors, he sticks his muddy boots upon
The seat in front Of him, reckless as to
whose clothes he soils-as to that mat
ter he squirts his tobacco juice in all
directions, regardless of where it falls,
whose boots he spits on. No actor
IS ever half meritorious enough for him.
&c never wants to be pleased or to
" l l.