Orleans independent standard. [volume] (Irasburgh, Vt.) 1856-1871, 1868-07-10

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it; and then retailed the political ar
ticles to me with inane comments of
her own, during the whole of the
breakfast hour. Then, too, my NOR
ais were her especial charge. Did |
not go to church twice every Sunday,
and attend half dozen other servic-
es during the week, it was plain to
see that she regarded me as one who
was walking the broad road to immi-
nent destruction. | like occasionally
to take my wife to the play; but aunt
Jane once made a few remarks of an
hour or two in length concerning the
theatre, that made me feel at once the
utter impossibility of even alluding to
the subject in her presence. So, too,
with cards. Why, one evening when
| had invited Wilkins and his wifo to
come out to our place expressly to
play quiet rubber, my wife took me
aside, and begged me with tears in
her eyes, not to mention whist in
aunt James presence. OF course |
had to promise not to allude to cards,
and of course [ could make no posi-
bic explanation to Wilkins, who has
never understood or forgiven the af-
fair to this day.
But | could have pardoned any of
her peculiarities sooner than her inor-
dinate and aggravating proneneSs to
depreciatory shifts. Her usual form
of closing an argument with me, in
which she had been worsted, or of end
ing an unfavorable comment upon my
character and conduct, was a contemp-
tuOus sniff. For example, she wouId
remark: "YOur neighbors the Smiths,
| see, disapprove Of cards; but you"
I-(sniff.) Or: "CharleS," (my name
is Charles IL presume you have read
Mr.. Sleeper'8 sermon on The Theatre
the Synagogue of Satan Did | un-
derstand you to say that you had not ?
Indeed" (Snif.) Naturally, there
was but one possible construction to
be put upon this unpleasant practice
of aunt James and that was, that she
intended thereby to express her strong
disapprobation of my conduct. lam
perhaps a nervous man; but at all
events, | grew so eXpreSsively nervous
by reason of this perpetual shifting,
that life was fast becoming a burden
to me. One day | had the boldness
to remark-being rendered quite des-
perate-"You know, | presume, aunt
Jane, that one of Dickens characters
says, children who sniff before COM
pany never go to heaven 2" But the
quotation fell harmless from the i'm
penetrabLe armor of my aunts self
cOmplacency. dickens, | believe"
ahn ra,liaA NTH cold l,l.,,c...;t,, 4l;o ~
man who wrote Nicholas Twist d Son.
"a novel Of the worst character. |
need not say that | am not familiar
with the blasphemies that his low char
acter may repeat
Weeks grew into months, and still
aunt Jane showed no intention of de-
parting. Unfortunately for me, my
wife seemed to like her. "She takes
such care Of the children, Charles
and besides, she helps me so much
with my sewing" she would answer,
whenever | asked her if her aunt was
not almost ready to leave Us.
How to get rid of her could not
imagine. To tell her plainly that |
could endure her presence no longer,
was quite out Of the question, for in
that case the feelings of my wife would
have been outraged to an irritable ex-
tent. was sitting in my study one
evening smoking my after-diuuer ci-
gar, and painfully questioning myself
as to the possibility II my surviving
my visitors presence duri : another
month, when my eye fell upon the
drawer whe. / had placed and for
gotten my halfdozen burglar-ala1ms
I"Hurrah y shouted I, waving my cigar
triumphantly, dive got the idea at
last"
Aunt Jane was at that moment
, passing by the door, and asked NE
rather sharply. if l was in the habit
of drinking punch by myself? She
| knew perfectly we'll that | was not
l butshe merely meant to insinuate tha'
l [ was intoxicated. So | was, will
: JOY instead Of punch.
: [ carefully laid my plan of opera
1 tions, and opened the campaign BY
: reading the next morning from tn
y paper. paragraph stating that gan!
t of desperate burglars had been seel
e in orr Immediate neighborhood. {
), took care to tear the paper in orde
J, to light a cigar before any one ha,
/ an opportunity to discover that thi
e paragraph was wholly an invention 9
= nv own.) All breakfast time | dis
!; coursed of robbery and murder, unit
the female portion of my houSehol
d was in delightful state of nervou
d apprehension. That night when
e told my wife that the burglar-aIarm
u must be placed on every door, she a.
5, quiesced without the slightest hesit'
,h ton.
In the morning | made point 0
Ly forgetting to remove them. Cons
I'd quently, aunt Jane, in opening he
Il, door exploded one, and with dir
ne full scream tainted away. She can
ly to again in time, and recovered suf
w ciently to explode several more in tt
ny course of the day.
to For three days remained at HON
Id and devoted my whole time to secre
o- ly reloading the discharged alarm
Like most Of their sex, Clementil
vo ond bar aunt were wholly ignorant