Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-09-04
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"IAM laying for you, as the old hen said
to the chap who was bunting for her nest.
MES rarely make fools oE themselves ex-
cept at the request of their wives or daugh-
ters.
WHAT is the difference between hnagry
man and glutton2 One longs to eat and
the other eats too long.
A WAC suggests that q suitable opening for
many city ehoirs would be, 90 Lord, have
mercy on US miserable singers.
-~s
''My noticn Of a wife at forty, said Jerrold
SIS, that man should be able to change her
like bank-note, for two tweuties.
IT is said that when Russian husband ne
elects to beat his wife for month or two she
begins to get alarmed at his indifference.
The height of poHteuess IS passing around
upon the opposite side Of a lady, when walk
ing with her, in order not to step upon her
shadow.
CAy any reasonable doubt be sustained of
the stability of bank whose directors always
show great ressres when questioned about
its affairs.
A NEGREss speaking of one Of her children
who was lighter colored than the rest, said:
~ nebber could bear datbrat, cause he shoS
dirt so easy"
A MAN named Sumbarz had woman ar
rested the other day in Chicago, for 'fright-
ening him terribly" The Judge admonished
the young woman to be careful how she acted
towards unprotected men hereafter.
a MIsER who was asked Why be married a
girl from his own kitchen, said that 1.-THE
union was attended with double advantage
1t saved him not only the expense Of a wife,
but the taxes on a servant
A SERVANT was asked why II was difficult to
wake him in the morning: ''IEdeed, master,
it's because of taking your own advice, al
ways attend to what m about so whenever
sleeps, pay attention to it..
4 SAY, Mr. Pilot, amt you going to start
soon?' said nervous traveller on a steamboat
lying to during fog. 'As soon as the fog
clears up, replied the captain, well, it is
starlight now overhead, said the man. Oh,
yesl But we are not going that way
A late California paper mentions duel
which was fought between a Yankee and an
Euglishman, in a dark room. The Yankee
not wishing to have blood on his hands fred
his pistol up the chimney, and to his horror,
down came the Englishman.
A KxEEDLEss JoKE.-A man in getting out
of an omnibus few days ago, made use Of
the two rows of knees as banisters to steady
himself, at which the ladies took offence, and
one Of them said aloud, "A perfect savage!'
True, said wag inside, he belongs to the
Paw. ne tribe
ARE you ford of Hogg's Tales?' asked a
city lady of her country lover.
'Yes, like them roasted, with salt on
them was the response.
''No, I mean have you read Hogg's taies?'
NO, our hogs are all white or black.
don't think there's red one among them
No Coon ESGmsH.-A German applied to
Judge S-to be removed from sitting as q
jnryman.
''What is your excuse?'' asked the Judge
fI cannot speak English, - he replied,
''You have nothing to do with speaking,
said the Judge.
"But cannot even understand good En-.
glsh"
''That's no excuse said his honor. q
am sure you are not likely to hear good En-.
glish at this bar
"MADAM," said polite traveller to an &c.
centric lady, 'if see fit to help myself to
this milk, is there any impropriety in it?''
! 81 do not know what you mean; but if you
mean to insinuate that there is anything nasty
in that milk I'll give you to understand you W
struck the wrong house. There ain't the frs
hair in it, for as soon as Dorothy told me the
cat was drowned in the milk, I went and
strained it right over"
A BAKER in New Brunswick, n j., notet
for the smallness of his leaves, in going hi:
rounds few mornings since, knocked at the
door of a customer.
who is there?' inquired the lady Of tn,
| house.
The baker, was the answer.
What do you want?'
TO leave your bread
well, you needn't make such fuss about
it; putt through the key hole
ONE of the deacons of certain church
asked the bishop if he usually kissed the
bride at weddings.
Always was the reply.
And how do you manage when the happy
pair are neggroes?' was the deanons next
question.
in all such cases, replied the bishop, the
duty Of kissing is appointed to the deacons.
A Ii KINDS OF BLANKS, Common. Admin.
n istrators snd Executors, Deeds Mortgages
Sudgment Notes, Promissory Notes, with and with
out waiver of exemption, Summons, Subpoenai