Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-07-31
humorous.

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5}nulprplls.
a BAD SIGs-to sign another mans name
to a note.
A NARRowSEss of waist shows narrowness
of mind.
WHEN is old cheese like dollar? When it
is all nifty.
''Now that you are on my side, hope you
viii stick to me, as the patient said to the
plaster.
A BAKER has invented new kind of yeast.
It makes bread so light that pound Of it only
weighs twelve ounces.
II WIsH," said son of Eriu, 81 could
find the place where men don't die, that
may go and end nag days there"
A CHAP says he cured palpitation of the
heart by the application of another palpita-
ting heart to the part affected.
A MISS Rose was married to Mr.. Fur
mace the other day. This is a quick method
of consuming pretty flower.
A SAILOR in attempting to kiss a pretty
girl, got box on the ear. ''There," he ex-
claimed, 'Just my luck; always wrecked on
the coral reefs. -
A CYNICAL chap insists that the fewer rela-
tons or friends we have, the happier we are.
In your poverty they never help you; in your
prosperity they always help themselves.
DANDIRs, to make greater show,
Wear coats stuck out with pad and putting,
But that you know is a pr0pos-
For what 4 goose without the stufhng?
The disconsolate one whosings ''Have you
seen my MDggie?" has heard OF her. Anoth-
er fellerinforms him, through the music store,
that ''Maggie's bymy side"
PEoPLE may talk of the equality of the sex
es! They are net equal The silent smile of
a sensible, loving woman viii vnnquish ten
men.
Is Johns better half demi-john? When
William obtains a sweetheart, ishe an accept
ed Bill? Should James wife want diamonds
when she possesses a "Jem" already?
81 AN afraid, sir, you have settled melan.
choly," said landlady to a miserable lodger.
"No, madame" he replied, my melancholy
won't settle; like your coffee it has too much
grounds"
ARTEMUs WARD was fond Of telegraphing
and studied it for amusement. He was a
very good ''sender." To the telegram Of
California lecture committee, ''What will you
take for 100 nights ?' Artemus Ward
promptly replied Brandy and water.
A DRUNKEN fellow got out of his calcula.
ton, and was doing in the street, when the
bells reused him by their ringing for fire.
''Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, four
teen, cried he; "well, ifthat isn't later than
ever knew it,
''JoHv, wouldn't it be a good plan for you
to have q stub scythe here and be cutting a
few bushes along the fence while the horse is
resting a short timer John, with quite as Sc
rious countenance as the divine wore himself
said; ''Wouldn't it be as well, sir, for you to
have tub of patatoes in the pulpit, and when
they are singing to peel EN- awhile to be
ready for the pot?''
AT GRAND REVIEW by George III, of the
Portsmouth feet, in 1889, there was boy
mounted the shrouds with SO much agility as
to surprise every spectator. The king
particularly noticed it and said to Lord Lo-
THAN, Lothian, have heard much of your
agility; letus see you run up after that boy"
''Sire, replied Lord Lothian, sit is my duty
to follow your majesty
A YoUrH on his first visit to Portland saw
the land across the harbor, and cried out to
his father: "Oh, father, haint that Cuba over
there, where all the molasses and oranges
come from?'' The noble sire turned upon
his worthy offspring, and with dignifed and
scornful expression answered, t'No, you
fool; Cuba is moreA forty miles from here ~
A Provincial JUDGE, who was great bore
in his way, called upon Bautru, wish;ngto see
him. "Teii him am in bed.' SSH, he
says he will wait till you are risen" "TelI
him am very ILL.," "He says he will pre-
scribe some remedy" ''Tell him l am in
the last extremity" ',Tell him am dead"
''He says he viii sprinkle you with holy wa
ter" ''Confound himl let him in.
WHAT THE LADIES WoN'T CoNFEss.-There
are several things which you never can, by
any accident, get lady--be she young or old
to confess to. Here are some of them
That she laees tight.
That her shoes are too small for her.
That she is tired at ball.
That she paints.
That she is older than she looks.
That she has been more than FIVE minutes
dressing.
That she bushes upon hearing a certain
persons name mentioned.
That she ever says anything she does not
mean.
That she is fond Of scandal.
That she cannot keep a secret.
That she-above all other persons in the
worlds in love.
That she does not want q new bonnet.
That she does not know everything.
| That she can do with one single thing less
when she is about to travel.
That she has not the disposition ofan angel
or the temper of saint, or how else could she
go through with one half she does.
That she is q iirt or coquette.
A Ii KINDS OF MISCELLANEOUS BOOKS
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