The Union and journal. [volume] (Biddeford, Me.) 1858-1882, 1868-11-13
hBoUf LOVE AND MARREAGE.

Getting lined In the holy bonds of we'd
lock Is the ''hunki dori" time for gushing
maids and spooney fellows. Afellow sees
gal; she sees him; they blow their noses
ut each other-sllent blows Of both 'em {;
both sigh like sick crab; both heavc
their bOsoms; then they cast expiring
glances into each others terrestrial Orbs I;
they get fOggy around their lips, and with
u tremor pant; It's gentle tremOr. and
there will be more of 1t anon. Time
passes, just one time, bekase the next
day the lovely hOuri gets OF her best scOl.
lOpcd buttOned whaticOat, all embroidered
with white thlngamajlgs, and frcscOed
with whole quart Of gtlssets, puts some
night blooming lard on her hair, sticks q
red hOllyhOck In her hair, lets q hair
clothes line hang down her back, squeeZes
In her waist, chalks the back Of her ears,
rubs some red cOpal varnlsh OIL her cheeks
to make 'em look like the gentle zcphyrs
had kissed 'em, greases, her swan-llke
neck, ribs n little charcoal toOthpowder
OIL her eyebrows, put on her Sunday set
of teeth, then looks In the mirror and
bushes the color of billed lobster ut the
thought of how much sweetness Is being
lost upon the desert alr. She twists around
to see if the back Of her dress Is all hooked
lip, aud then she takes her queenly form
to walk, and looks SO majestic that one
would never dream such an angel w0ulu
condcsccnd to eat pork nnd beans, or hau
bunlOns.
The fellow gets OH his new flxings, has
five cents worth of black put OH his boots,
bOrrOws gold chain. hires q ring with
green diamond In II big enough to anchor
u rOw-bOat, takes bath, cuts his nails,
pares his cOrns, tickles his throat with
''wblsky sours, ;" asks Ills boss If he might
90 to the library, and, looking rs flushed
as billed ham and rs plous rs the figure
head of q canal-boat, he starts to walk,
aud ut the bcwltchlng hour Of 40 P.M.
the female and tho male, In oil the glory
of their b0th.hO0ds, meet Just where they
met before. It's intuition. what taught 'em
to be there-a kinder mystic magnetism or
spiritual heart mumps. Their glances
met somehow between the two. He stops
and looks mt a nice pair Of boots In win
dow; she gazes mt corset-shOp. This Is
strategy. Neither wants the other to
know that each came to sec the other.
The fellcr finally starts Oh his tour again,
and She does the same. They pass each
other Us majestic Us q couple OF mud
turtles; both laugh, and their eyes Twist
away around over their shoulders; both
turn and look Mt each other until both get
so far they ain't afraid; then she draws
her billed rag across her lips, and he kisses
his knuckles ut her.
Well, the sun sets In Its orbit, and day
follows day, and they keep this thing
think he Is getting too fond of the library
they speak to each other, and the gal
commences to get him. She gets him to
call, faints In Ills arms, and lets him smell
the sweet stuff on her chin. He thinks It's
her breath and that she Is an, angel, and
feeds OIL tuberOses. She calls him, dear
Alphonso, smooths his marble brow. and
speaks ofhis Oriental eyes and Greclan
nose. He has hole In one cheek big
enough for skating pond which she calls
% dlmple. The wart on his hand she calls
q hil0ck of lovincss. Then shc makes q
mufiler Of her arms, and puts 1t around
his CoriMhian neck, and rolls up her eyes
like q sick Goldfish. He sllngs the gal
around heavy. He brings her billed chest
nuts and whole quarts OF shrimps; goes
to matlnces and the mlnstrels; takes
moonlight walks; sits on the steps:
teaches her astronomy; writes poetry
calls her his heavenly duck his Arabian
pcppergrass, his sweetness, his bird OF
Paradise, his Etlenly geranium-.untll
some night when she pats his head and
strokes his hair until she gets his brain
turned inside out, down OH the Brussels
carpet 90 both his knees, his hands
clasp together like he was going to swim.
and he casts his eyes upward and says:
"Will you have mey'
The triumphant hussey replies:
"oh! Alphonso, how sudden, de-
clarew
Yet she don't put her answer of-not
''muclily." She's got him just where she
wants him. Give him time to think. he'd
probably never make such darn fool OF
himself again, bckas this wedlOck busi-
ness. when viewed In u philosophical light
Is nothing more than man becoming
possessed Of the Insane Idea that he'd
rather pay board for two (or two dozen)
than for one.
Now the feller has his foot In Il, she
calls his attention to breach OF promise
eases In the papers. She has him faster
than shoemaker's gum. Next day, she
tells every gall she knows that she ls ell-
gagged, and makes them vow they won't
say word about II. He-po0r fellow
don't 90. that fatal night, more than half
block before he knows he has made
darned fool of himself, and his face wears
mn expression like unto fcllcr who has
resigned himself TO taking dose OF cas-
tor oil. She sets the time and he tries to
hitch Il off; but she gets II OH him. calls
him her sweet balsOm Of Peru. her angel
darling. her chcrub, her spotted fawn,
her dear duck. until he willis like but
terf,y I'm n hail storm, and she cxclaiins,
.:Do with me rs tlion wilt; am thine
nlI thine." He, poor, detected, distressed
looking feller, sneaks away, feeling too
mean to look manly lamp-pOst In the
fnce. and starts to hunt up a tailor who
will sell him black suit OF six months
time, while she goes a-shopping. aud
brings home samples OF six. Old aiints
call upon her. and with tears OF pity roll.
inw down their checks advise her to sub
mlt cheerfiilly to her fate; for, although
they know. II Is hard for poor, timld
fawn like her to leave home, yet sucl, Is
woman's lot, and 1t Is hcr. duty. The
fatal day approaches, and some dark
night the poor fellcr can be seen sneak
Ing along to engage the pnrson.
The day comes. First one car
rioye drives 10 the cnurcn uoor, uleH wv
other. Then come three more with the
Inourners. Everybody makes q rush for
the church. Three or four girls donc mp
In white lace, get out Of the carriages;
then the bearers, wrapped up In broad
cloth, hitch onto the bundles Of lace;
thew get TO the church door, fix their
rigging. then sail majcstlcnlly up the cen
tre aisle amid murinurs Of There they
co,nc!" saint she swectr' and such
Ike. Then the dominic Joins them In
this wise: .'You hereby swear that what
you afIlrm Is true, SO help you God Amen.
What God has put asnnder let no man
jo,n apart. Know all men by these pres
ents. And do. you hereby swear tho
same to be the truth and nothing but
the truthf Now, By the power vested
IN ma by the Consultation OF the United
states, / pronounce you to Be- one. and
~rs,v 3sifsrs Of MISREPRESENTATION Will bo