Bloomsburg democrat. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1867-1869, 1868-09-23
All sorts Of Items.

ALI SOrSo d 1teu1S.
1.-The back door bello-A pretty kitchen
maid.
...lt is better to have beef corned than
men.
Tomorrow is the day in which idle men
work and fools reform.
lover head and ears in debt-wearing
an unpaid for hat
...Spurgeon, it is said, is coming to Amer.
lea to lecture. Who cares:
.''Time works wonders" as the lady
said when she married after o thirteen years
courtship.
...Our wishes arc but tho idle blossoms
Of the tree Of human life, seldom bearing
fruit.
...Trembling. roses and flowers covered
with ants are used in Paris for bonnet trim.
mings.
"Pray, madam, why do you name your
old hen Macduff?" Because, sir, I want
her to lay on"
IF you want the Treasury doors thrown
open to political bummers and beggars, vote
for Gen. Hartranft.
IF you want the Treasury guarded
against the inroads Of plumber seekers, vote
for Charles E. Boyle.
Pat thinks it very good to be alone,
especially if you have your sweetheart with
you. Pat is about right.
THE hog may not be thoroughly posted
in arithmetic, but when you come to. square
root he is there-the hog is.
IA Bible student asserts that Daniel
prophesied Grants election. He would
never have come out Of that lions den If he
had.
IAN irritable man, having been disap.
pointed in his boots, threatened to eat the
shoemaker, but compromised by drinking o
cobbler.
...Charles Dickens is said by English pa.
pers to have cleared $3.50, 900 by his visit to
this country. So much for American hum.
buggery.
...Hipokrasy is one ov the vices yu kant
konvert you might as we'll undertake to 81
the wiggle out ov q snake, or the grease out
ov fat pork.
lin one of Josh Billings late papers he
says: 1.-THE sun was going to bed, and the
hevins fur and near was blushin at the
performance.
IA French jury has acquitted = pretty
girl who crushed to death her baby while
giving it suck, but sent to prison for life q
woman who cut up her husband into small
pieces.
...Mr. Swingwell sugar-coats his speech.
Says his father was in the hemp business all
the last portion of his life. But Swinswell
doesn't add that it was directly under the
gallows.
IF you desire to enjoy life, avoid un.
punctual people. They impede business
and poison pleasure. Make it your own
rule not only to be- punctual, but little be-
forehand.
IA western editor cautions his readers
against kissing short girls, because this
habit has made him round shouldered.-
Send all such girls to us-well risk our
back and shoulders
...One Of Josh Billings maxims: "Rise
early, work hard an late, live on what you
kant sell, give nothing away, and if you
don't die rich and 90 to the devil, you may
sue rs for damages
...One Of the negro Senators Of Louisiana
had street fight with another Of his color
last week. Tho cause Of the quarrel dates
from six years ago, when the Senator was
in the poor house.
IA waiter in . Boston hotel lately 70.
stored . lost 800 note to its owner, . guest
Of the house, and refused . go reward.
They talk Of q public testimonial to the fel.
low for bis honesty.
different kinds Of things have different
weights Mrs. Smith lugs twenty-five
pound baby for an hour at q time without
fatigue. Ask her to carry ten pound ham,
and you would be denounced as barbarian.
...Matrimony is hot buckwheat cakes,
warm beds, comfortable clippers, smoking
coffee, round arms, red lips, kind words,
shirts exulting in buttons, redeemed stock.
ipgs, boot jacks, happiness, and babies.
HuSsal
ibid / undestshd you 10 say that I
was lousy, sir9' "Oh, no, L merely told
my friend that when i: rained lice in Egypt,
I thought you must have been walking
about ths.e withou. hat Or an umbrellas
that's a."