Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-05-08

we may joke when we please, If
We are always careful to please when
we joke.
A clergyman I'm pittsburgh Pa, IL
lecturing on "Augers and Gimblets. I"
what bore!
Why is spendthrift's purse like a
thunder cloud? Because it Keeps
continually lightning.
An exchange says that IL has been
found by experiment that pairs do
not keep well in a family jar.
A gentleman calling for ice cream,
and being asked what kind he would
have, promptly replied, Raw"
Reflection by an Irish lover--It's
great pleasure to be alone, especially
when you have your. sweathheart
with you.
A. IT. Stewart Is putting up foun-
tain in his new store, with view to
washing the cash boys, 1t Is sugges-
ted.
A Western paper proposes John
Morrissey for the Presidency: not
because he is the most fit, but be-
canse he has fit the most.
"This is the first time ever re-
ioiced at the fall of my best friend, J"
said q joker, on being told that the
price of bread had been reduced.
A hypocrite may spin 30 fair q
thread that it may deceive his eyes;
he may admire the cebweb and not
know himself to be the spider.
A calvanistic old lady, ON being
asked abut the Universalists, observ-
ed: Eyes they expect everybody
will be saved but we look for better
things"
Ladies' who have disposition to
punish their husbands must remem-
Der that little warm sun melts an
icicle much nooner than q regular
Northwestern.
A glass of soda water was offered
to a country lad who rejected it with
the greatest indignation. do you
think / am q salamander,p said he,
TO dring water boiling hct?"
A clergyman said he addressed his
congregation of ladies and gentle
men as brethren, because the "breth-
rem" embraced the ladies.
Guess we'll 'jine' that church.
A fond parent, anxious that his In
FAINT son should be sharp in his wits
and profound in his thoughts, has
sent him to sea--so that he may be
rocked in the cradle of the deep"
Owing to the peculiar arrangement
of the programme, no piece can be
repeated, was the answer White re-
ceived from his landlady, upon as
king for second piece of pie at din
ner.
In any little. vexation, any trifling
disappointment, do not we forget
how many thousands are suffering
even more than WEI In our sorrows
as in our joys We are filled with self
ishness.
Mrs. Darlington has been reading
the Health Officers weekly reports,
and thinks that "Totaln must be an
awful malignant disease, since as
many die of 1t as all the rest put to-
gether.
josh Billings says; "Thoze fam
elys who are really fust class never
are afraid that tina shall get cheated
out NV their responsibility, while the
Goldfish fanilys are alwas nervous
lest tina mite y
A man boosted of having eat forty
nine boiled eggs, why did you not
eat one more, and make an even
hfty?' asked Henderson. tHumph!
said Lengthy, do you want man to
make hog of himself for one egg.'
1t Is reported of pompous person
who announced himself to q hotel
clerk as "the Lieutenant Governor
Of" that he received the reply:
THAT doesn't make any difference;
you'll be treated just as well as the
Others"
An old bachelor wants to know
what kind of broom the young
women used In the last novel, when
she swept the raven ringlets from
her forehead.
! He'd soon find out liz her little dig
its were within reaching distance of
of his ancient scalp-locks."
+ p
HIFALUTIN.--A country fellow
went counting his girl, and wishing
to be conversational, observed: THE
thermonkeron Is twenty degrees be-
low zelen this evening" Yes, in
nocentiy replied the maiden, such
kind of birds do fly higher some
seasons of the year than Others
nprrY .pnr~r. Hon n Mt Wood
bury is planting an orchard of 1000
planting 10 acres with Apples and
small fruits, and surrounding the
plat with belt of Silver Maple
trees. That is precisely the way to
enguage in this business.-MarshaH
Times,
A young Indian maid, visiting q
Towering. mill In Winona, Mimi,
surreptitiously got hold of the stem.
ellis and decorated her white blanket
with "Ellsworth's choice" in bright
red letters, after which she strutted
down street, to the eventual horror
of the bachelor Ellsworth who owns
the mill.
Mrs Cady Stanton, who has been
eanvassing among Congressman at
Washington for her new paper, de-
clares that two-thirds of the set
speeches read from manuscript are
not the production of those who de-
liver them, but are prepared by
newspaper reporters, and the literary
gentlemen at Washington.
Barnum upon being asked If he
had lost his all by the burning of his
museum, replied s"No, / have not
lost my spirits, my appetite, nor the
means of gratifying it; ia fact, ex-
pect, / have got enough left to spoil
my children, unless, happily, / man.
age to spend some of it before sm
done with it--of which there seems
10 be a fair prospect.
sAsHIT AT A.. J.--Nhen Thornton
was about to start for America, he
fell in with a Republican to whom
he praised Andrew johnson, the
former not knowing the latter's
politics. Finding no response, he
modified his tone, and said: "At all
events, all must admit that he does
wonders for a self made man. at
may be so,n was the rejoinder, but if
he he self made, / will say that it re-
heves God-Almighty of a grave re-
sponsibility."
bridget, Bridget! why don't you
bring up some lemonade ?'' said Mrs.
s., on the fourth of July, from the
A. ~