Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1868-01-21
MIR. BIobbs, Hats Troubles with

4
| Rats.
has been vconfoundedly dog-eared. ]
confess 1t. It has been my practice, from
youth up. to signalize the advent of the
new year by passing series Of appropri-
ate resolutions, recording them, attestine
them, and dog-earing the page Of the book
for occasional reference. But this Xmas
octave, reviewed the past, and concluded
not to ssturn over new Leaf" So began
the new year, determined to fight fate un-
plejeed. Idon't believe in pledged men
politically or socially. Both are apt to s.go
back" on what they have forsworn-be il
1.-THE flowing bowl'' or 1--WE the people,
want to run the race of this year without
extra weight. IF the last feather' did
break the camel's back, the last resolution
shall not mine. An extra resolution is
worse than an extra s'nightcapr with a
thimbiefuls too much of usqubaugh in
1t. Being free OF pledges, l am less
tempted. If a man makes resolution,
! he never sees that which he has
forsworn but what his pledge seems
heavier than iron chairs. He seems then
to carry both the burdens of denial and
resolution Mindful of this, began the
new year unpledged; and strange to say l
have thus far been singdlarly untempted.
Nobody but the clerk of the weather has
yet asked me to take a ''nip;" the young
ladies scarcely deign q tempting glance
upon me, either because they don't liketo
waste their sweetness on the desert air, =
or mistake the frost on my beard for griz
zlingsof age and the blueness of my nose
for proof of want of blood. Nobody has
left in my path any temptation in shape of
ereenbacks and bonds, and the other day
declined to accept the Office of policeman.
know that it is as easy as the part of
walking gentleman to q aperipatetic the
ater, and pays better, but il man ever gets
TO be policeman he grows lazier and lazier
till he isn't fit tor anything but a common
councilman or constable.
No, my amiable Spivins, nothing has
troubled me this year, so far as | have got.
except rats. Now SO tar as rats are con-
cerned, of themselves, / care little. I've
got no piles of bank notes laid away which
they are liable to convert into comfortable
devoured By them. BY the way, If the
baker who bakes for my family had pat
ronized the Capital Seive Manufacturing
Co. shouldn't have known rats were thick
In HIS shopH 'No-in some respects T
rather like rats. They are worthy to be
the emblem of our greet party-for WHY I?
They are the true Anglo-Saxon stock.
They irrupted from the north of Europe.
from those seas, and, like the glorious old
vikings, they went forth cOnquering
and to conquer. Before they got to
England there we're plenty. of black
rats there-real nigger rats. But, lord
what q mus the sScandinavious created
when they mustered in, Albion! In fifty
years there wasn't a nigger rat in all Eng
landl They go where they like, and, like;
country editors, dead head their way every
where. In this country they. soon cleaned
out all the niger rats, and they are now
at work on the same kind of job in the
South Pacific Islands, Let 'em work, say
l, and may some similar sort of calamity
overtake those two legged black rats down
South which are now costing Uncle Sam
SO many bureaux and band boxes. May
the Democracy increase like the white
mans rat, till this country and Africa are
divided by chalk line as high as CHM
boraizo. That's my toast, to be drank
whenever L do drink. 55slua y; u is5l9 sa
No, as 1 was saying, 1 rather like rats
in fact there is no four footed animal of
about their size that like better, except
terrier dogs. They 60 in every ship, and
the sailors rather like 'em too, for they say
desert an unseaworthy ship. When first
my present four-storied mansion
on Tribulation corner, / was not at all dis
pleased to find a goodlys number of rats in
joint occupancy.asTh The Columbus City
Council ahadEju put $4,000 of the peoples
money into their pockets, and gone off on
a big hunt for water. They had often be-
with whisky, and although they had damn.
ed the. Scioto often, no general fear of q
deluge was felt. But when they drew out
such big pile OF money, when every man
took along '.pOcket pistol" with barrel
of ammunition, to say nothing of two or
three editorial blunderbusses, tell you, my
amiable Spivins, I got scared. You know
T<x1.x ,s,fu
such an evidence of water on the brain
might produce a real dropsy in the heart
of the city, Sol rather liked the rats.
thought as long as they staid, there could |
be no immediate danger of deluge.
Well, by and by the City Council came
back. having lost all their 'spocket pistols
and sadly strained one or two of their edi- I
torial blunderbusses. In expectation that
they would bring oceans of water, most of
the pumps pulled in their handles in envi-
Gus rage, andethe Scioto sighed like fear-I
full ''bruiser" going to '.mili." But the
failure of the Hydranaut was soon
known. The pumps looked up again
and asked to- be handled, and the |
Scioto looked less blue. My rats
were particularly iubilant; they play ed
leap frog over the floor, and not only cut
numerous ddos, but some rather useful
books. Not fearing any immediate deluge
on account of the operations of our City
Council, determined to demonstrate wi h |
my fellow occupants. Having effectually |
tried printers ink on that "colored band"
| thought L would try it on the rats. Most |
Columbus merchants are Indifferent to. or /
ingnorant of, the virtues of printers ink.
compared to it, II 1t is the sover- !
efgnest thing in the world to attract or re-
pei. 1t depends how it is applied. In this
case Iapplied tthusly All about each hole
(and they'd made my best rooms sort of
= holey of holeys,") put a considerable
amount of ink. The better to advise the
rats, used "news ink" thinking they'd
make job" article of it themselves. l
then left the door open, sort of "walk
into my parlor" invitation. They came
each one bringing his family and relations
up to the muspOphagian degree of consan-
gunity. They did honor to the cheese
had set out for them, and seemed to be en-
joying themselves hugely when they dis
covered skeleton at the feast. That was
each several rat took to his hole. At first
every one wanted to go in first, just as peo-
Pile do at concert; but when they saw the
ink, that gave them pause" 1t may be
that Baalam's ass did speak-may be under
stood Hebrew as we'll as his mother tongue
but my rats never said word. But
their looks plainly said that they thought
1 was guilty of most contemplate joke
they even faced me menacingly--but /
moved small persuasive argument 1 had
in hand, and they at once took to hole.
I'd like to have seen them when they got
home to their families! Such, a chorus of
sget away, you nasty critter," "Oh, you
horrible wretchP ~ as must have been set
up would have amused any one who under
stands rdttee. doubt not few old rats
were killed out right for bringing so much
dirt Into the family. At any rate havn'tI
seen or heard a rat since. They took the
hint and left, never stopping to remove
their holes and other household furniture.
Such, my amiable Spivins, are the virtues
Whether it would do holes in socks or pants
any good is question I leave to people