The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1868-04-02
WHOLE NO. 1889.

]
And in sich toasts the thirty minutes
wore away.
A private sekretary entered.
ga dispatch from Moo Hampsheerl" !"
"Ha !" sed Randall, seizin it, "now
treinble Ablishnism quake Stevens,
for yoor time IS come! Exalt yoor
horn, Dimocrisy, for the reackshun is
here :"
The gentle and trustfuf Secretary
opened it, read moment, turned pale,
and fell faintin on the floor. Seward
glanced at it and gaspin "This is the
end of life," (wich is intended for his
last words,) fell likewise PROSTATE. -
The President snatched it from Sew
ards hands and tainted across the rest
NV EN-, and Welles seein the President
faint, did it becoz the President did,
without readinit. Welles takes physic
every time the President does.
snatched the dispatch and read it
myself, ez followsi
"TO THE PREsIDENr--It's all up. I'm
a dead duck. Hartman is elected by
about 5000 The reackshen got stuck
in notch NV the White Mountains.
Pray for us. SINCLAIR"
Utterin a stingin cuss at Dean and
Burr, and them fellows who he'd de-
ceived US into a belief that Moo Hamp-
sheer WIZ safe, sot about bringin NV
EN- TO- The President wuz the longest
a comm ont NV the faint. Sadly they
ariz, one after another, their deieckshun
contrastin powerfully with the hilarity
NV a moment afore.
Ringin a bell, Randall sed to the
clerk who answered it, ez follows:
"You may inform the bands that it
won't be necessary for EN- to longer
wait. The men attendin the artillery
may retire to the bosoms NV their fam
lilies, and those waitin to be formed into
spontaneous prOcessisns may be dis
missed. The President has decided
not to be serenaded to-nite."
Just then band wuz heard ap.
proachin. "Thunder!' sed Randall,
"dare they play without orders ~ =
But we discovered that it was not the
ofishal band. A percession wuz soon
a passn afore the White House, head.
ed by a transparency, onto wich wuzs
dead duck, with face wonderfully like
his Eggslency's, and the band behind
wuz a pIayin ded marches and sich,
with muffled drums Four times these
heartless cusses passed up and down
afore the White House. .-fsr
"Is it not hidyus r. sed the President
"Served you rite," sed !, "Yoo wood
take matters in 'yoor own hands-yoo
wood attempt the work of a policeman
with the qualifcashens NV a Police
Court lawyer. Wretched man." said
l, transfxin him with my piercenest
gaze, "Why wood you attempt to eat
fire whose mouth is only capable Nv
Limburg cheesei With Grant at the
head nv the armies, why did you at.
tempt revolooshenF When yoo at
tempted to drive Stanton out hedn,t yoo
sense enuff to know that it made di-
rect ishoo atween yoo and the Ablish-
nists from wich they Good not escape,
and that yoor death or theirn wuE in-
evitable2 Yoo made it necessary for
EN- to slay yoo, and, in trooth, they've
made a lively commencement. Moo
Hampsheer is fatal stab, impeachment
will foller in sixty days, and then a long
farewell to all our glory. Good mite,
yoor Eggslency, pleasant dreems. I'll
to my chamber"
And | left the poor man weepin great
tears and bitter ones. ~
/ sent the follerin dispatch home to
the Cross Roads by telegraph. Twus
rather expensive on the Government,
but Seward told me that telegrafin wuz
a legitimate expenditoor, and to yOose
the wires ez much ez l chose erT
To Pogam, Dekin, BascOm, AcPelter and
Gauih, Jr., Trustees.
THESE GREETIN: Deerly beloved, /
saloot you. Not joyfully, and withlite-
ness NV heart, but on the contrary,
quite the reverse. We're bustid KsHi,
Vidi, Wei wich, the way we translate
it, means, "We cum, we saw, and got
squeezed" 1t is my painful dooty to
inform yoo that Moo Hampsheer, ,ouv
wich we expected better things, hez
gone lunatic agin, and heE elected .
hater NV us and ourn, ez its chesf mag
istrate, In this crisis direct that next
Friday mornin between the hOursuv 9
and IL A. NJ. be observed asa day Nv
fastin and hoomiliation. / wood hev
yoo hold servisis at the church, but /
found that he'd brot away in my valise
the only Bible in the Corners, and it il
therefore impossible. Ez no labor is
ever done at the Corners it aint neces-
sary to direct yoo to abstain therefrom,
but yoo will give over yOor yoosual Oc-
cupashens as follows: d4a-~
/. No seven-up or poker playin door
in that period. ofr,
2. No hoss racin, copper pitchin,
hghtln, or other amooSementB VIII DC
8. And that the flesh may be morti-
fed to an extent commensurate with the
that hsz befallen us, no likker
will be allowed between those hours,
ceptin to invalids and persons Nv ex-
treme age
There will be weepin and wailin at
the Corners when this is received.