The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1868-04-18
selected story.
THE CHARACTAGENT.

cerv. and ii you should pass there you NAV
see my name on the sign over il: P. Lump
kin. / mention it LOW, not because l am
proud of ito tell the truth, confess to
certain base shame in the matter--but be-
cause the public intere st requires ii. That is,
do not know how to commence ny story
without admitting the fact, and rather IMAM
inflict such a loss on the readers OF the Dazaf
as not to commence it at all, PERISH oil per
sonal considerations
In the early hours of the afternoon occurs
what I NAV call the ebb-tide of oar trade,
nothing coming up on our counter but fee
bile lot of pennies, which | leave to my assist
ant Jo. Meantime [ retire with a cigar to a
sort of sanded bower formed by two hogs
heads and section of wall.
1t was on such time, and in this bower,
thai first saw the charactasent. was busy
with a Lumpkin paper On Woman, her
Faults, Follies, and Failures; that is, was
tracing the outlines of the article IN The smoke
OF my cigar. when there entered comely
Young person carrying a pedlers basket filled
with ladies' night caps.
"No, we don't walt any caps to-day"
aid 1.
"But these are not caps, sir. They are
charactagents," replied the young person,
picking up one of the flimsey affairs and
dangling it on her fingers. NO doubt you
VIII nave UDotINGu, lhetL "iiShN :"
universal want the invention 10 supply that
want is sure to be close at hand; and | sup
nose. sir there is no want more universal
than that of women to suit the taste of the
gentlemen of the present day. 1t is getting
really dreadful to take up paper or maya
zine and to read how foolish and extravagant
and unpleasant all the ladies are, and how
little good all the preaching and talking seems
to DO them."
ha oil
speech learned by rote, cycling me the while
and twlrling the cap on her fingers; and hay
ing taken breath she began anew
."Mr. Pool-Ghat is the inventor, sir-has
thought for long time that there was a rem
edy for the evils of ladies' dispositions, sir,
and that the old genteman's notion about
going away with the bad bumps of persons
head, might not be so ridiculous as it looked,
AID in the 'charactagent,' tapping the cap
with her finger, "Mr. Pool thinks he has
found it,
But" said |, shat is night-cap."
"Bless you, siri it is made with frills and
pufs to catch lady's eye. But here, you
see, is what we call a system of muslin bows,
and under each Of these bows is pad, made
on the principle OF what the boys call suck
er. These pads are movable, and are applied
in this way: The gentleman should haEe a
chart of the lady's head for whom he desires
the cap. He then arranges these pads to
press on the bumps OF her head that are OBJ
jectionable. Say the lady is conceited. He
Slips the bow and the pad thus rapid move
ment OF the fingers.) The lady wears the cap
quite unsuspectng popping the cap in ques-
ton on her head and assuming an innocent
expression. All night there is the steady
pressure. A prodigious pressure, you will re-
member, fifteen pounds to the square inch
In one night"
The ladys head would be crushed to jel-
ly," / suggested.
Something like smile twipkled for an in
slant in the young persons eyes.
'Mr. Pool has devoted several years to ex-
periments on the human SKULL" she replied,
demurely, sand he finds the male skull in
variably much softer than the female. Such
pressure might reduceyour head to jelly,
Sir, while it would only produce slight al
iteration in that of your wife. If YOU like
Sir, can show you several testimonials from
hen-pecked husbands of wealth and distinc
ton, whose wives have already been brought
by the 'charactagent from utter shrewishness
to the most lamb-like dispositions, and with
out once suspecting the cause of the change
/ bought the caps. Hall dozen of them
Not that am henpecked. But, then, what
a text for my article on Woman would nv
experiments with Mrs. Lumpkin afford and
OF course Mrs. Lumpkin has her peculiarities
like other women. made mental list OF
them at once. Over-fondness of dress-Mrs.
Lumpkin had that. Slavish devotion to
fashion-How often had preached from that
text! Love Of gossip-One Of Mrs. Lump
kinS weaknesses. Want of logic-Why she
continually exasperated me. Fretting-could
l ever hope to cure her of that? General
trivolity OF ideas and want of interest in seri-
Gus and noble issues-Oh! there | really
found great gulf fixed between myself and
wife. Sentimental whimsical | not often
heard Mrs. Lumpkin declare that she did not
live, she puddingized? Caprices-Certanly
Mrs. Lumpkin had these! Ready for tears
one day, brimmlng with fun the next and
neither she nor any other mortal knew the
reason why!
I made list of these failings, and resolved
to take them in order.
No consprator ever went about with {
more awful sense of guilt and danger Sup
pose l should drop the list from my pocket
Imagine my wife reading it to herself "Want
of logicw General irivolity ~ "Great guilt fix.
edp' "Mr. Lumpkin, what is this ?n What
should / reply? Suppose she should discover
the 'charactagentw Does any mortal doubt
that she would not have compelled me to
wear it myself?
But when my wife at last laid her head
down on her pillow in that night-cap, and
when she closed her eyes, with SYSTEM o.
pads press ng on all the peacock develop
ments in her head at the rate of fifteer
pounds to the square inch, my sensation:
were simply dreadful! How did | know
whether [ had right to deprive her of one
of her bumps? Who should assure me thai
it was not crime TO make her character Ion
sided? What might the physical consequent
ces be of such a moral revolution? WheI
she lay quiet l found myself listening to heal
if she still breathed; and once, thinking shs
was dead, was about to break out in frantic
aoIurNtinns, when she reassmed me by gen
Mnrning came, and with a horrrpo, ao,,.o :
,;It watched her as she took off the -SIoro =
So Was there hollow in her round
Well-shaped head? She certainly compliance
mat she could not arrange both sides of he
hair alike.
said, brushing It INTO rough knot and cat sh
ing up an old wrapper. "A hundred year
hence who will know whether L looked wei
or Ill ON this particular morning?"
As this is one OF my lavorite savings.
looked hard at her. to see whether She wa
qulzzlng me; but she met my gaze with al
honest indifference of expression. Tn,
charm was working
AT dinner was somewhat disconcartad :,
find her still in the wrapper and with he,
halr rough, as have always been secretly
proud OF my wife's trim appearance. She ex
planned " that she had been too busy to mal[f
toilette, which, after all, was of no use r.
anybody" but she was so displeasng tn nv
eyes that L began to waver. Should / listen
to the great moral principle that woman
should not he fond of dress, or to nv own
personal weakness? and L can hardly tell
how | should have decided if 1 had not
thought to ask myself what one of tLe an
Gent Romans flor whom i have always had a
vast admiratiOn) would do in my position,
And OF course, what could he do, if lie desir-
ed to make paragraph in history, except
what did apply the /" charactagentn sec
ond time.
The following day was Sunday. Not hay
ing spring clothes, my wife had decided not
to attend church; but she now appeared in
,Velvet bonnet, winter cloak, and huge hoop,
having most unfortunately broken one Of
more modern shape.
+" AS long as my clothes are whole" she
said, emphatically, "what difference need it
make if other women are wearing light colors.
and thin stufs? There is no law Command
ing me to do Iilzewisen
vi course, L had nothing to say to this.
Here was that common-sense displayed in
wearing what she had, to which had 90
Often exhorted her. The charactagentO was
working wonders Sill +l,a ,,,oo9I.~ 49,