Litchfield enquirer., 1868-07-02

quently presenting me with what he called
 Q "burgf farm'n Il boy" from which 1 con.
 clude that he must have been very drunk
 indeed, when I left him. When I awoke
 in the morning, 1t was at my favorite hotel,
 and the first object that greeted my gaze
 was collection of.six burglar-alarms, care
 fully deposited in my hat, which stood near
 me on the table. Clearly Perkins had
 been warned by wine to unwonted generos-
 ity.
 My wife greeted me rather coldly when
 I reached home, and informed me that she
 was still alive, though 1t was mercy that
 she hadn't been killed in her bed, for Van
 Schoon's house. which stood quite near to ours, had been broken into and robbed
 the night before.
 Moreover, she said she bad written to aunt Jane, inviting her to como ai,a spend few weeks with us. 'I suppose that you
 wont object to my having some one at
 home these long evenings, while you are away at your dinners she added in con-
 clusion.
 What was already done was then past remedy. Though 1 had always believed aunt Jane to be the most oppressive of old maids, felt that 1t was now useless to ob- ject to her coming; and then, perhaps, af- ter all, she might not prove wholly unen- durable on a closer acquaintance. I there fore consoled myself repeating the ancient adages concerning the inutility of lament ing over split, cats, and the possibility that singed milk might prove better than 1t looked-and acquiesced in my wife's pro- gramme. ''As to burglars, I remarked to her, s'you need not feel no further alarm, for have an invention here that will ren- der us perfectly safe against attack" So saying, I showed her one of the alarms, loading it, requested her to watch its oper- ation.
 Carefully placing it over the door of the room, while Clementina shrank as far away from it as possible, and intrenched herself behind rocking chair, 1 went out through another door, and returning, care fully opened the door where the alarm was placed. Initiating as closely as could the cautious softness of a professional robber, opened the door little by little, until the opening was wide enough for me to enter which 1 did, and then discovered the alarm still resting on the top of the door. This was annoying, especially as my wife ap- peared to regard it as joke, and began to laugh ill very inconsiderate manner, determined not to be easily discouraged, told her that had not arranged it proper ly, but that the next time it could not fail to explode. Repeating my burglarious ex- pertinent, I was delighted to find the alarm fall heavily to the floor. ''Is that all the noise it makes" cried my wife. ''Why that could never wake you up; you snore louder than that"
 eff you please. my dear;" replied, do not snore. The alarm did not explode that lime owing to the way in which it was plac- ed. If you wish to laugh do so by all l4sus,I ut: > ''
 That excellent woman immediately be- came serious and sympathetic and advised ne to make third trial, which did with great success; the three barrels going of with report that jared the window frames. I was qnite elated at my final success, but concluded not to use the alarm again, until I should have learned how to render it's explosion a cer- ,ainty.
 Aunt Jane arrived in a few days with a small warehouse in the shape of Q trunk, that indicated a long visit. For the first few days found her not wholly unendur able, but before a week had passed I was constrained to admit; that on the whole, she was less desirable article in the household than must have been the ia nous DOX Ot Pandora.
 She was prey to the delusion that she was responsible for the government of the entire world. Consequently, she insisted upon reading my morning paper-which l like to find fresh and damp-before could see it; and then retailed the political arti cles to me with inane comments of her own during the whole of the breakfast hour. Then, too, my morals were her especial charge. Did not go to church twice ev cry Sunday and attend half dozen other services during the week, it was plain to see that she regarded me as one who was walking the broad road to imminent de- struction. I like occasionally to take my wife to the play; but aunt Jane once made 8 few remarks of an hour or two in length concerning the theatre, that made me feel at once the utter impossibility of alluding to the subject in her presence. So, too with cards. Why, one evening when l had invited Wilkins and his wife to come out to our place and play a quiet rubber, my wife took me aside and begged me with tears in her eyes, not to mention whist in aunt Janes presence. Of courseI had to promise not to allude to cards, and of course I could make no possible explana- to Wilkins, who has never understood or forgiven the affair to this day.
 But could have pardoned any of her and aggfsivuUnrs than her inordinate sniffs. Her usual form of closing an afort. memt with me, in Whicl she had been wor- sted, or of endin g m favorable comment upon my character and conduct, was a contemptuous sniff. aFor example she would remark: 'Your neighbors the the Smiths, I see disapprove of cards; but you-lsnif) Or: ssCharles," (my name IS Charles - presunae you have read the Synagogue of Satan. Did I understan q you to say that you had not?-Indeed!'' Sniff. Naturally, there was but one possi- ble construction to be put upon the un- pleasant practice of aunt Jane's, and that was that she intended thereby to express her strong disapprobation of my conduct. I am perhaps nervous man; but at all events, I grew so excessively nervous by reason of this perpetual snifing, that life was fast becoming burden to me- One day had the boldness to remark being rendered quite desperate know, I aunt Jane, that of Dickens char acters says, children who sniff before com pany never go to heaven?". But the quo- tations fell harmless from the impenetra- ble armor of my aunt's self complacency. Dickens, I believe" she replied with cold severity, ''is the man who wrote Mich elas Twist and son, novel of the worst character. I need not say that I am not familiar with the blasphe1nies that his low