The Van Buren press., 1868-05-15
Elder Knapp's He'll.

~ lNoN btlNlt lsiutl huhlI llu'
hnl>hrd his mlniStIaiions in Stockton, Cal.
and ai1eached almost the last sermon il
his barrel, the devil came to him in a Wis
ion and proposed that they should take
short walk together.
{" Begone ! shouted the elder. "Ge
thee behind me, Satan r.
20, come now, - said the devil, "let'.
be friends | holdno ill will against you
You We done me too many favors unknown
to yourself for me to harbor malice. Come,
now. I'll show you my new hell, built and
furnished with heating apparatus according
to your own plans aud specification. I've
named 1t alter you, too, Knapp'S He'll
It's your>-all yours
The elder reflected. Il am getting old, ~
though, he.
"l snail soon be in heaven. This may
be the ca.y opportunity | shall ever have
But-----"
Don't be alarmed about that said the
devil. who saw the elders Thoughts
" None oi your people shall see you in my
company. I've looked out for that
I'll 60 said the elder.
Bully foryOu" said the devil Here
take my arm.
=" So, together they travelled until they
arrived at an inclosure surrounded by a
wall OF red no; brass fifteen feet high and
mile in circumference Entering by the
high, arched doors, they proceeded along
spacious passage-way lined on either side
with blue devils.
Ventilation is perfect, isn't it Elder ?
Can yon detect any trace Of brimstone?"
No. replied the Elder
They went into the office A red devil
otlicia was abou. to book the Elder No.
300, ,I29, COS, 926, 425, and an attendant of.
hclal was on the point of chalking the du-
plicate number on the Elders coat. The
Chot stopped them "All right" said he.
Visitor. Honorary member
They assembled cupola In the centre
was The lake OF fire and birthstone
"Ihat's Tor sinners on general princi-
pies. No specific charge. Heat from be-
low by tubing Yankee invention. In
proved burning Anid, only fifteen cents
gallon, and pint lasts sinner week.
HalleluiO % shouted the Elder.
Round the inside of the copula was
row Of peep holes.
Here, said the Devil, "look here"
The Elder pcepcd
That's the theatrical hell. Put 'em
where they bclong-in theatre. Pit, dress
circle and gallery all red-hot brass. State
ditto. There they have to sit, roast, and
play, and see plays forever. Now they re
Paying Ais Well that Ends Welr-in
hell Barrett is starring it, supported by
McCulIoush and Mrs. Jackson, Harry Ell.
wards, Leach, Miss Melville and the Hew-
sons appear in one alterpiece; then Harry
Coutaine and the WeJbs in another
Next Wheatlaugh will present the White
sawn. No lehearsals. One play succeeds
another through all eternity. Heat in
crosses twodcgleeS per month for the same
period OF tiGie, Have to grade it accord.
inst9ihe theatrical sinners powers of en-
durance" "'.e b.
GLORY hailelayah y shouted Elder
Knapp.
''Aln't sorry You come, are You + said
the devil Now look at the operate hell.
" Now look at the operatic hell. Same
principle, you see. Faust going on now.
Faust, Mancusi Marguerite, Brambl.
Ia. Evans is leader. They've something
there to howl for. That patent nitro heli,
NJ inid, eighteen cents per gallon brings
out theirsocal powers wonderfully.
Here the devil shouted through tube .
Put ten pounds additional weight on the
safety valve, and raise the Temperature
eight degrees. Wen see il we can't rush
Biam 5 voice up scale OF two higher. III
make prodigy out of that girl yet"
Those are the negro minstrels." re.
marked the devil, as the elder shifted to an
Other peep hole They're charred black
now No need OF burnt cork And that
the Unitarian department" said he, follow
ing Elder Knapp about in regular show.
man style 81 Retreat for dead and damned
Cniycrsalists. They slipped up on mere
word. 1t was universal damnation instead
of salvation. Backslidden Bap,ists. I've
respected the doctrinal prediction for i'm
mersion on your account, elder, and allow.
ed them to boil instead Of roast. This i,
the Roman Catholic department There i,
arriest baking in each of those confession
aS!h9W
- Glory glory !" exclaimed the elder
"ltsjnst what ] told 'em they d come TO-
" We'll, how DO you like your establish.
meat = imputed the devil,
,a :" lfs bully bully !" said Elder Knapp
" m ag'n you, bat | like your hell 0
won't 4 give them sinners h.-ll now ",
seen it. III call down here once in :
while, sure, after ! get TO Heaven! Coco
morning my friend. You're bad mora
agent you'scli but you're doing the Lord
work V'