Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1868-07-31
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THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.
.Josh Doesb Up His Back Cores
! obi r0f ou oPOndence.a no aiii-


the boss alwuz leetle ahed. - 81.
"Boz"2 II never knu but one man to
die ov a broken heart, and cum to dis
sekt him, his heart want broken bit,
but his gizzard had all drizzled away.
"Barnacle'3I kant tell We exactly
when the iGettysburgh Asylum Gift
Lottery will draw, but probably, like
other pickpockets, the next good chance
they get: 79Sellno 1.la9 l ,-l'... -.' go -
iBammner'' WHEN I hear a man nan
Dragging about his ancestors, it al
wuz makes me feel bad-for the hances-
tors. ni dll fh9t s-t4 'h' an iln --'il- i'''
sl~Billy"EButy iz like molasis, very
good ointment, but sickish for stiddy
diet c5al ri .srs; 1Ei's 70 75i pa1a9 'a o.
"Benzine"-Men who have a CRATE
deal to do with hosses seem tew demor-
alize faster than the hosses do. e"
Hosses are like dice and kards, altho
they are virtuous enuf themselves, how
natral it il tew gambol with them. t'
Hoses luv the society NV man, and
being susceptible of CRATE credit, they
will learn a man how to cheat and lie
before he knows it. si't bus sSnSi OF.
aIiknow lots NV folks who are real
plus, and who are honest enuff to work
up into united estate assessors, and hav
sum good sized moral chunks left over
but when they cum to tork hoss, they
want az much lookin after az a case ov
dipthery. oF1 10 aatI
"Bronk" CLUB. houses are usually as
sylums forhen. pecked husbands and va
grant bachelors. ID Una sa -f17a93I e-
bIdhav been told that certain maskular
females hav gone into the clubhouse
Dizziness lately in New York city, and
that they hav had one setting at Del
monikoze already, which ended AMIGA
bly,. This speaks volumes for the future
growth and usefulness ov the order, but
the CRATE joke ov that il, that awl ov
their proceedings il kept dark A
/ hav alwus bin a friend to down
trodden women, and hav binin favor NV
their votin from mi infancy, but if they
kant vote, say let them club.
One rule ov this club is a golden one,
emo man shall be present on pain ov
deth." If they stick to this rule they
are sounder on the gander than 1 sup
posed they wuz. ia5a1 r.' -'..i
"Brickdust." IL never hav used any
of doctor Emanueps liver-eonsoling
and kidney encouraging pills, and there,
fore kant tell you how infuenshal they
am, but eff you are looking after pill as
mild as pet lamb, and as searching as
fine tooth comb, buy "Dr. Ringbone's
silent perambulators, 81 in box, sold
byall respectable druggers.' .aa5
Thez pills don't phool round, but at
tend strictly tew business, and are az
good in the dead ov night az an alarm
clock. .l- ..ii '7'''- ~ -...ot, -.r-s +r.
"Biscuit." I'm reply to yure ques
tions, would hurriedly state that the
toad liz domestik animal, or can be
made SO, by coaxing him into barrel,
and shutting up the bung-hole. has f..
iThsy.stand in the same relashun teW
a frog that a Dutchman duz to a live
Yankee. They aint SO sudden gaitedaz
the frog. They lead very retired and
pensive life during the day behind stur
walls, but when twilight begins. teH
dress for the night, then the toads ant
toadesses begin to reconnoiter round.
They are sed to be striktly virtuous
but this incessant bumming round nights
and keepin hid all day, haz cauzed m,
to suspicion the toad. -
If toads kan liv upon what they eat
they would he just the things tew stock {
boarding school with, for one fly and
couple ov bugs is all the meat they wan
for fortnite. d, .---.--- ..-...--..
Toads are very lengthy tew liv-:
should think about 400 years. l 'ha7
often thought would buy one and keel
him till he died, just to git at their age
"Beeswax."-Speaking ov kats, m
g opinyun liz. and will continue to be, tina
the d-fashioned, kaliko-coulered kat'
il the best breed for man ov moderat'
means, who haint got but little mummy
to put into kats. 1872
They propagate the most intensely
and lay around the stove more regula
than the Maltese, of the bridal kind.
The yeller kat is a fair kat, but they
amt reliable; they are apt to stay ou
late ights, and once in a while git on 1
bad bust. G-a .s
Black kats have way ov Citing OIL
the top ov the wood house when othe
folks hav gone tew bed, and singing
dewets till their voices spile; and thei
tails swell till it seems az tho they mus
split. ssrs ...re za z
If / waz you, Beeswax, l wouldn't g
into the kat Dizziness until the phi
nances ov the country gifts more calm
for if there Gums big smash up, kat:
will be the fust things to dip.
belinda" IL hav allus sed, Civ &
woman the choice of three men for hus
band, and the chances il she will man
age to looze all three of them.
Evrybody luvs tew drive four-in-hanc
better than they do single hoss.
If you have really got three beauxs
- thank the lord for his kindness, and
freeze fast to one ov them to onst. b
The more yu look for perfekshun, the
more blemishes yu will cum acrost; and
the more suckers yu git into yure net
the more yu will banker for, and the
more danger thare il ov the nets burst
ing and letting awl the fish leak out.
I kant tell yu which one ov the three
fellows you had better snare; but mi
advice il, to take the one which yu find
yureself the most anxious tew pleaze
and tew keep on doing SO after yu are
one flesh, and if yu amt happy pair
yure husband is simply mean cuss.
"Beans.'-Courting is about half ma
tur and about half science. The natul
in it il simply energy. .ia5s--sns!l r.f
Yu must begin slow, but by and by il
will be best tew agitate things. e,.r
Wimmin, az a lump, had rather bs
took by storm than by siege. m
Wimmin never surrender,nor are they
ever exactly won, but. rather captured