Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-08-28
MllmpfQns.

sJnpupfolls.
raa good Thing to be above board, but
generally bad thing to be overheard.
Iris miserable thing to live in suspense;
it is the life Of spider.
TuE politician who knew no North, no
South. no East, no West was found to be as
deficient in other matters as in geography.
MEx are like bugles; the more brass they
contain the more noise they make, and the
farther yeu can hear them.
II you wish to fatteu thin baby, throw it
out Of the window and it viii come down
plump.
Il have the best wife in the world, said
long suffering husbands ''she always strikes
me with the soft end ofthe broom"
SoNE one says the best way for man to
train up a child in the way it should go, is to
travel that way occasionally himself
LOVE, the toOthache, cough and tight
boots are things which cannot be long kept
secret.
LITE DAIsE's mother was trying to explain
to her the meaning Of smile. ''0h, yes, 1
know, said the child, SIT is the whisper of
laugh"
''HEAr expands-cold contracts" answer
ed school boy to question Of his peda-
gogue, and when asked to give an example,
he said, 'In summer the days are long, in
winter the days are short"
PIANcHErrE isn't always reliable. A gen
tleman who was informed by the seller that
Planchette would answer anything, bought
one the other day to answer the door bell,
and found It wouldn't work.
A YOUNG lady being engaged to be married,
and getting sick Of the bargain. applied to
friend to help her unite the knot before it was
Zoo late. "0h certainly," he replied: 'It's
very easy to unite it now, while it's beau. :"
"JoHN, said q stingy old hunk to his hired
man, as he was taxing dinner, "do you know
how many pancakes you have eaten?'
"No."
you've eaten fourteen"
SWELL" said John, "you count and I'll
eat"
"DExNIs, my boy, ;" said schoolmaster to
his Hibernian pupil, 81 fear shall make
nothing of you, you've no application. "
"An', sure enough, sir. " said the quick witted
''there's no occasion for it. Don't see every
day in the newspapers that No Irish need ap-
ply?'"
WILLIAM thee, knows / never call anybody
names; but, William, if the Mayor Of the
city were to come to NE, and say, "Joshua,
want thee to find me the biggest liar in all
Philadelphia" would come to thee and
put my hand on thy shoulder, and say to
thee, civilian; the Mayor wants to see
you"
We understand that in New Zealand, when
a marriage ceremony takes place, it is very
old custom to knock the heads of the bride
and bridegroom together, previous to their
union.
In Christian lands it isn't so;
The bridegroom and the bride
To loggerheads but seldom go
Until the knot is tied.
SAY, Mr.. Pilot, amt you going to start
soon?'' said nervous traveller on a steamboat
lying to during fog.
GAS soon as the fog clears up, replied the
captain.
"wen, it's starlight now, overhead" said
the man.
':Oh yes; but we are not going that way"
"MA, will you holler if bite you-say?"
''My child, that would be very painful to
me, and 1 might scream"
"Wen, then, what's the reason Sary didn't
scream when that singin' school master bit
her right in the mouth, and bit her hard to
cause she put her arms around his neck ed
tried to choke him. Why didn't she holler-
say?"
EI WONDER what has become of the snuff.
fers ?' said Mrs. johnson. 'T have been
looking for them all the evening, and can't
find them high nor low" Nobody could
give information. After a zhile the hired
man getting sleepy, commenced pulling off
his boots preparatory to going to bed. Gan
day" said he, 81 dinks got some grabble
stone in mine poot. I guess gifts him out
now" He turned up his boots and out came
the snuffers.
A gent in passing farm, saw boy at
work in corn field, and being of an inquir-
ing turn of mind, he thus addressed the
youth:
'Whose farm is tbis?''
Dads"
"Does your father raise any stock"
eyes, lots.
"What kind?' continued the stranger.
''Cornstalks mostly" was the reply, and
the stranger went on his way musing
A LADY brought child to physician to
consult about its precious state of health
Among other things, she inquired ifhe did not
think the springs would be useful
Certainly, madam" replied the doctor, as
he eyed the child, and then took a pinch of
snuff. 81 have not the least hesitation in