Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-06-02
Sifti9ags and ScissOrl9sgs.

OTCt7tJS O1CtI OOcooVs O'"So'
The real phantom sail-a mock auction.
Grass widowers are now termed ad interim
bachelors. eel
LET us be collected as the water rate said
to the income tax.
No man will ever be able to build house by
carrying bricks in his hat.
Fighting men are not always truthful. A
man may be true at the lannon's mouth ana
false at his own.
A California editor says he lately met gram
marian who had just made tour through the
mines cogitatiug thus Positive mine: COM
parative, miner; superlative MINUS
Stage Manager John 60 see if the ballet
are ali dressed for it is time to ring up the cur
tain Boy returns About ready, sir; got
most of their clothes off. !"
An Irishman says ''that the best remedy for
badness is to rub whisky on your head until the
hairs grow out, then take 1t lnwardly to clincn
the roots.
An editor in Maine complains chat after all
the fuss about getting new hearse, NOBODY
wants to ride in it, now that it is got. Nobody
is anxious to be deadhead on that conveyance.
Lesson in Grammar-Lo! the poor Indian;
lower the negro; lowest the poor white man
who is taxed to purchase bread and blankets tor
both the others.
An old Marquesan chief, on being told by
missionary that in heaven there was no war, or
hunger, or thirst or Sickness or death, replied
That will be good place for towards, and la
zy folks who are afraid to fight and too lazy to
climb bread fruit and cocoanut trees.
A gentleman after giving his servant a severe
scolding, wound up by saying I'VE must part.
Pat scratched his head for moment, then re-
marked: ''Sorry am | that we must part yer
honor; but if we must, may make SO bold as
to ask where your honor's going" Pat got an
other trial.
The 'Tolnahawk" gives the following defni-
tons:
Constituents housekeeper, who makes the
chest go as far as possible with the least waist.
Crade-A nutshell, in which every boy APP
pears a colonel to his mother
Dress-the only habit which woman is always
thinking of improving.
''M hat do you think of impeachment ?" said
IL gentleman to a radical, night or two ago.
"Well, I'll tell you. Its like the boy who was
digging after woodchuck like blazes. A man
who was passing inquired: What are you do
ing, boyY Digging for woodehuck. You
don't expect to get him, do you? Yes, Stree,
by lingo! | must have him we're clear out of
meat!
An American was once teaching English TO a
German, and, on being asked if there were no
irregular verbs in the English, replied by CIV
ing the following solitary example: Il go, thou
tracks, they skedaddled.." But in asking for
sepetitioa of it, the German found that it va
eied every time, and he had at last to give it
up in despair.
An Old Fashioned Teacher.
Patrick, do you know your letters?''
''Yis, sir"
Say them, then.
Il know them by sight, sir; but docs ent
know their names
well that is A. ;"
''How are you, A ?''
''You must not speak in that way"
''Ln what way shall [ spake thin, sur?''
S'Say what say.
*.Yis, sur.
This is B.
Sure, an is that B 4? thought it was an OK
yoke,
What was that last letter I showed you ?''
Il can't remember sur.
What bird is it that lays honey and stings
"A wasp, be jasus
No; it is a bee. ~
$50 it is; and looks like an OK yoke. -
What letter is that third one on the page?
Il don know, sur
wv hat do do when l look at you p,
u shouldn't like to say, sur
Il want you to tell me-
Il am afraid that you will lick me, sur
'Tell me what | do when look at YOU? ?"
swell, sur, you squint.''
Cant you say Q without the squint?
''Yis, sur.
''Say it then.
&c without the squint.
What is the name of the next letter?
Il don't know, sur; niver saw it before.
well, it is d, for Ounce just like yourself
Say that
I'D for Ounce just like YOURSELF
"Take your seat, and the spelling class will |
come up and SPELL Spell cat
"C-a-t-cat-fsh.
faint right Now spell tub"
T-u-b-wash-tub
'"Tain't right. Now spell frog.
sF-r-og- bull frog.
'sTain't right. Now go to your seat and
study, and the geography class will come up
and say their lessons-James, where does the
sun rise
II don't know, sur. We never get up in
time to see the performance at our house.
Next. Where does the sun rise?
Down in our lot, sur.
Next. Where does the sun rise?
In the east sur.
s'What makes the sun rise in the east?
'Yeast will make anything rise, sur.