The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1868-07-11
From Divers Directions.

FROM DIVERS DDeCiOnSs
A Cool SUGGESTION -(For the Uarna oeather)
| Attentive Wife-Dinner's ready, Charlie
come along, there's dear, before it gets hot !
Geographicus writes to inform us that the
River Nile, in its infancy, was called the Juve-
nile. We don't believe it.
The Inevitable Fate of 1s6S-The Dramatic
Fete at the Crystal Palace.
The Balance of Comfort--The Japanese
father with his son on the ladder, at the
Lyceum.
A RECENT DIscovERY.-The philosophers"
tone-vide Mr. Mills letter to the papers about
Ex-Governor Eyre-is very bitter.
Ne Plus ULTRA.--Why is the Gold Coast the
best place to go to have your leg cut of Be-
cause You will find the kDee-grows there.
The LATEST DEFINITION OF "MAN."-Tele-
gram-inivorous animal.
A Painter who should Always be Hung con
the Line'-Hook.
The Best Lawn Mower-Mr. Gladstone, with
his Suspensory bill.
A DIsTINeTIoN.- cynical friend Sneersby
seeing new book announced under the title
of "Every Man his own Lawyer" suggested
that better name would be ''Every Fool his
own Client"
Poor Mrs. Lyon, it is said, has been labor
ing under 'severe indisposition." This is no.
thing new, seeing that she has been for a con-
siderable time past subject to homeopathic
treatment.
Go IT MIR. Gladstone, we are informed on
unreliable authority, intends bringing in Bill
to unfrock that "sOn of a gun," the "Bishop
of Bond street ~
TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, THE POUNDS WILL
TAKE CARE OF THEMsELvEs.-Thi is doubtless
the reason why shOpkeepers in giving change
wrap up the coppers in paper, mark of dis
Nf,,nt L. =. o,1I Ill.
HANG IT ALL The chances OF the abolition
of capital punishment-in Ireland, at least
would seem to be remote. The government
has hanged one or two Fenians already, and
now it is proposed 10 suspend the whole Irish
Church.
QUITE CIEAR.-A Sunday.school boy was
recently asked what conscience is He re-
piled, can inward monitor" On being
pressed for the definition of monitor, he re-
piled, Cone of the irOn-cads.'' We have not
heard conscience compared to iron; but have
repeatedly heard the expression, ''He steels
his heart against conviction"
! Proverb on its Trial-"As honest as the
| day."
The REAL VICTIM OF CHANCE.--Risk Allah.
THE "FINA1 CHARGE FOR ALL BATTLES
! The Htle bill.
A BLIssFuL TINE FOR ToR1Es.-When "all's
blue"
Flowers FOR BUTToN- HoLEs:-
For Mr.. Gladstone 's-''Sweet William -
For Mr.. Bright's-" Everlasting PeaSer'
For Mr.. Reardon's-"Rue" I"
For Earl Russell's-'The Last Rose of Sum
mer -
For Mr.. WhaIleys-''An Ever Green p"
For Mr.. Disraeli's-"The Pink OF Perfec-
tiOn ~
The "Victoria Station"-The Throne.
Right in the Main-Mid- Ocean!
"A Bumptious Fellow-A PhrenOlogist.
The land for the students-Hallam-s shire
The Hop prospect this year-Abun
dance
"a FRIEND IN NEED.''-
The bak er and his customer
a kindred nature show;
The latter needs the "sta1 OF tfe,"
The former LtleadS the dough!
THE AGRICULTURAL MND.-Old Turniptop
declares that the grand Maritime Exhibition
held in France is an utter absurdity. OI
course, he urges, only an agricultural show
can be held at Havre de Grass. We sup
pose he would expect to find among the cattle
what Stephenson would have called the coo dt
grass"
Swell-A bubble on the sea of pleasure.
Sword-A glittering blade which makes
most havoc in female hearts.
-Taste-Asense denied to most, aud abused
by many.
Tea--The beverage which cheers three time!
three for China, and little one over fol
Assam.
Tender-The quality which tugs many
msn-oi-war to port.
Tenor-A rare bird with golden eggs.
Fresh Pears-Newly- married couples.
sanguinary evolution-Circulation of tn
blood.
"A Yankee riding on a railroad was dis
posed to astonsh the other passengers will
tough stories, At last he mentioned that ont
of his neghbors owned an immense dairy, anC
made a million pounds of butter and million
pounds of cheese yearly. The Yankee per
ceiving that his veracity was in danger O
being questioned appealed to his friend;-
''True, isn't it, Mr.. - speak of Dea
con Brown"
"Y.e-s," replied the friend ''that is, know
Deacon Brown, though don't know as ever
heard precisely how many pounds of butte
and cheese he makes a year. but / know h
has twelve saw-mills that all so by butter
milk"
GAS FIXTURES.
~ a u r Il g