Orleans independent standard. [volume] (Irasburgh, Vt.) 1856-1871, 1868-07-10
From the Northen Monthly.
My Burglar Alarms.

I. ulS Well known paper Oh Ine OilSiN
and Location of the Earliest Peanut
Stand" which was read before the
Historical Society, is only one of the
many antiquarian and historical pro-
. ductions that have contributed "
make his name deservedly famous
| am constrained to admit now,
, ever, that he has one weakness ana
- that is an excessive faith in the I at
' ent office. Not only has he himSeli pat
ented some twenty or more ingenious
inventions of no earthly yalue' OUT
he reads the Scientific INVENTOR anu
is perpetually buying every new ana
easily portable article, whose lnYen-
tion he may have soon chronicled In
that journal. Moreover, he never
meets a friend without straightway
inficting upon him minute descrip-
ton of the latest article deposited
in the Patent Office. This peculiari-
ty has rendered his dinners grief
and burden to his friends. | ask
you as a reasonable man, can |, when
Invited to dine with Perkins, be ex-
pected to enjoy his really excellent
dinner, while he is explaining the
plan of new bootjack, or an improved
inkstand, and illustrating his subject
IWith incomprehensible diagrams, con-
tstructed with supernumary knives and
forks? Why, l have known him to
rr.smpty the entire dish Of radisheS,
/, merely ito use them in explaining a
new method Of laying the Atlantic
cable.
But Perkins has very little to do
with story, though perhaps he might
properly be included among what
lawyers call the res geste. | will,
therefore, endeavor to forget for the
present what | have suffered at his
hands; and will proceed with the his
tory of my burglar alarms.
Last summer, my wife decided that
her health imperatiyely required that
| should take a house in the country
during the hot season. OF course |
did so. We rented a little cottage
near the city, and a short distance from
the railway-in New Jersey, in point
Of fact-and were so well pleased
with it, that we determined to remain
there during the winter. When sum-
mer had positively gone, and the frost
had locked things up for safe keeping
during bis absence, We began to Sc
cretly repent Of our resolution, but
still outwardly asserted that we real
| ly eniO yed the country in the winter.
After a time, howe rer, the novelty UI
being alternately showed up and thaW-
ed out again, so that it was impoSsi-
bic for days to drive to the railway
station, either because the deep drifts
had rendered the roads impassable,
or because a sudden change IN the
weather had converted the whole
country into a swamp, iathomlesS
yellow mud, began to pail upon US
AS we bad but few neighbors, and
those were for the most part lncom-
prehensible Dutchmen, we found 1t,
too, a little lonesome at times. In
fact. the lonesomeness Of the place so
weighed upon my spirits, that l Que
day accepted with pleasure an invita-
ton to dine with Perkins, and actual
ly found myself looking forward with
delight to the prospect OF a dinner
at Delmonico's with Perkins and his
latest patents.
| forgot to mention, l believe, that
he is an old bachelor. The idea OF
Perkins being married is quite pre-
, posterous. He would harasS his wife
to death in less than year, by pat
enting new improvements In corset8'
and new idea for waterfall cushions,
3 and obliging her to wear the results
: of his inventive genius. Being un'
, married, of course he did not invite
t my wife; and though she urged me
= to 90. | could see that she felt annoy
$ ed that l was going to dine without
l. her. Remember, dear" were heI
parting words, "what you promised
r me about the champagne, and come
back tonight if you can, for [ am Sc
afraid of burglars"
;! We dined at Delmonico's, and hence
g it is not necessary to state tnat the
!, dinner was excellent; especially a
:; the quality of the dinner has nothing
~ whatever to do with the narrative
u l will say, however, that the wine wa
x S' above all suspicion and | rather fea
that | forgot my promise to Clemen
tina, not to drink but three glasses
(Query. To what extent Is prom
ise given in order to avoid hyst-t
W calm on's wife, | mean-binding
- We were sitting over our walnut
and discussing some port, which Perl
At ms said was bottled in 1886, if | II
1-y member rightly, when it occurred
,th me that | was treating my wife in
ar heartless and unprincipled manner
OF leaving her alone, and a prey to bu
er- glars. | mentioned the fact to m
Az Az friend, and was starting up to get N
hat. when he told me that it was hal
past nine, and the last train 10y whiC
W. / could reach my family had starte
an hour ago. So l sat down agai
and we drank my wifeS health
Then we drank each others healt
and then the health of women In ge
ays eral concerning whom | recollecte
tho rising and making speech so el
ali quent and pathetic that it moved 4
~ to tears.
: BY and by, again reverting to t
CE subject of my wife, and her fear
burglars. Perkins produced an artlC