Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1868-06-16
QDblo Statesman. NJ Il
PIT KILLED. BIOGRAPHY.
Early Life of Generally Useles
Z it Grant.

Early Life of Generally Useles
'it Grant.
- tFrom the New York Sunday Mercuryl
This very remarkable man was borl
at very early age, of distinguished, bu
pious parents; and it is said, on comins
into the world, he went into the wailinss
business thus clearly showing that Ii,
was created especially for fighting bat
ties, and wailing his enemies. Becoming
tired of wailing, he took great fancy tt
the milking business; but in the course
of time he became wearied from this, anc
took to cradleing for living. When ht
was first born, he, had no idea of evel
running for President; this remarkable
fancy not taking possession of, him til
quite late inlife-altogether too late, VIZ
fear, to do humans good. 1t is not posi-
lively known whether heis the real orig
inal little boy -.
Wy With corkscrew curls and strong Red Eye, q,
" no never, never. never told q ie." G.si 4
or not; but in the absence of any otbe,
little boy claiming to be the original
Jacobs.we think we may safely say he
was. 1t was a sad piece Of neglect of his
stern parent that he never planted a
cherry tree and left hatchet living
around promiscuously. If he had, how
easy might his son have become the
Father of his Country. At an early
period of his life, he cut his teeth on a
copy of the Constitution of the United
STATE and little later on studied STRAIT
egy from cheap edition of the American
'Hoyle." From this latter book, he
learned to cut and shuttle in remark
able manner, and could make his part.
ner believe he was playing right into his
hand, when all the while he was play
ing for himself. 1t is remarkable fact
that for the first two years of his life he
never spoke a word ) and he hasn't
spoken many since. The first word he did
say was pap" Whether this referred
to his paternal guardian, or to the pap
known as official, cannot of course be
told.
There seems to be considerable doubt
existing as to what his initials ~. S.l
stand for; some contending for United
States, and others for rUnsofsticated Sar-
dine. Neither of these, however, are
correct. They simply stand for Useless
Simpson. Useless, after celebrated
Fenian Emperor, was given him by his
grandfather,who was learned historian;
and Simpson is after an uncle, who still
carries on business in the Bowery.
Useless's principal amusement in
youth was breaking horses and breaking
wood; and when he was only ten years
old he could tell horse from a mule in
about two minutes, and could break the
smallest quantity of wood of any boy of
his age. One day, when his father had
gone away from home, this obedient boy
went out to the barn, and putting bride
on fine three-year-old colt took him
out in a field for the purpose of breaking
him. He broke him in just three min
utes-he broke his neck. For this little
joke, his father hanked him severely.
He was always very fond of driving
and taking care of spirited oxen, and
would do any kind of work with them.
He took a team one day unbeknown to
any one, and going out into the forest
actually hauled in enough wood to make
a respectable fire with. With the aid of
halt dozen men, he could easily load
the biggest log in the forest, and, fur
thermore, he could stand by all day and
look at man chop it up. Quite early
in life, he had his counterfeit present
ment taken, and his head examined by
a celebrated artist and learned phrenolo-
gist, who told him he would undoubted-
ly one day become President-or a de-
batting society. From the fact of his
telling so long beforehand that Useless
would one day become distinguished,
this learned phrenologist could not possi-
oly have been a pupil or Fowler &
Wells. In the company of other boys,
VI seless was very quiet and reserved,
hough on all desperate occasions he was
always selected as the leader. But, to
ell the truth, he cared very little for
he society of boys, preferring to associ-
lte with horses and mules.
There's no truth in the report that he
vas ever tanbark student, though he
always had great taste for grand and
ofty tumbling "a taste, by the way,
which he shortly expects to indulge), and
1t one time devoted all his spare mo-
nents to learning to carry water on both
shoulders at once, without spilling a
lrop. Perhaps the report originated
rom the following little incident: A
circus coming to the place where he lived,
le borrowed quarter from fellow
lorse tanner, and went down to see the
how. The ring master, some time dur
ng the course of the intellectual and
moral exhibition, offered counterfeit
IS bill to any boy who could ride the
mule around the ring certain number of
lines. Young Useless Immediately ac-
epted the bill, and jumping in the ring
aid he'd "ride that mule around if it
ook all summer" Springing on his
Jack, he busted him over the ear, and
houted to him to go on. The mule i'm
nediately bolted forward, then suddenly
topped and kicked up behind and be-
ore, and reared up and tumbled over.
But all to no purpose. Like the cele-
rated Roman warrior, E Egregiously Mis-
AIKEN Stanton, Useless refused to be
hook. The ringmaster, seeing his bill
vas in fair way of changing owners,
ecame considerably riled, and at once
1T living cynocephalus loose in the
ing. This strange creature Immediate
y jumped up behind young Useless, and
OF on his shoulders, and on his
cad, and in his pockets, and in
ont of him, and all around him,
nd, in fact, got himself so mixed up
nth him that it was impossible to tell {
,hich was the monkey and which the
lture great strategist. However, he
ION the monkey: and il is said that yen