Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-08-21

! crown. a regular JauiE edfu ahObfitIs
s'Heaven preserve US, mouFned on old lady.
Thar only which contents man, when
youth and folhes are passed, can be counted
success, and all else is failure.
MANS OF GRAoE.- Jones, said Mrs.
J., with an air of triumph, don't you think
marriage is a means Of graee2"
"Well, yes" growled Jones, Il suppose
anything is grace that breaks down pride and
aud leads to repentance.
''WHY is the happiest Of the vowelsf' The
answer is: "Because / is in the middle Of
blisS c in hell, and all the others are in pur-
gatory.
A DISPATCH in a backwoods paper states
that the Republicans at Chicago have
nominated Gen. Grant for President and
'Col. Fax for Vice President!
BLINDNAN's BUFF is supposed to come
nearer to genuine human sympathy than any
other amusement known to the children Of
men, because it is fellow feeling for fellow
creature.
SYDNEY SMITH said TO the canons Of St.
Paul 5, when they wrote to him urging the
advisability of wood pavement round the
churehyard-''Let them lay their heads
together and 1t VIII be done.
''MY Sov, would you suppose that the Lord
! Prayer could be engraved on space no larger
than an area ofa nickle cent ?" swell, yes,
father; if cent is as big in everybody's eyes
as it is in yours, think there would be no
difficulty in putting 1t on about four times "
"DD understand you to say that I was
lousy, sir ?''
"0h, no, merely told my friend that when
it rained lice in Egypt, l thought you must
have been walking about there without hat or
an umbrella-that all.
\ REpARrEE. .-"How fortunate 1 am in get.
ting 'rain-beau in this storm" said a young
lady who was caught in a shower the other day,
to her beau of promise who happened to come
along with az umbrella. fAnd I" said he,
galantly, 'am as much reioiced as the poor
Laplander when be has caught reindeer. ~
BoREs.-0ld gents who sit down in an ed
itor's sanetum and read newspapers to him.
Stuttering man drunk
A drunken man that does not stutter.
The man who reads all the newspapers, but
never buys one.
A man that wants to borrow money from
you.
THEEE is nothing more damaging than a
witness who proves too much. Miss Edge
1 worth tells us somewhere of an Irish peer
who, travelling in France with a negro ser
want, directed him, if questioned on the sub
jeet, always to say his master was a French
man. He was puuctually faithful to his or
ders, but whenever he said, MY massa
Frenchman," he always added, $50 am !. -
The following conversation occurred be-
tween a graceless boy and his teacher,
"What does your father do when he sits
! down at the table?''
''He asks for the brandy bottle "
Il don't mean that. Well, then what does
your mother do when you sit down at the
tabe?'
''She says she viii wiring our necks if we
| spill any grease on the floor"
Two SICK NURSES we're talking Of their
profession over their tea. ''You understand" )"
said one to the other, "the doctor said it was
brain fever, consequently he ought to have
| been out Of his senses. Well, not a bit of it!
He watched everything I did, as well as
well man conld have DONE And at last It
worried ne so that 1 went off, saying to him,
Sir, am an honest woman, above all sus-
picion, and won't stay with sick people who
keep from being delirious in order to watch
me-
A BIT OF PLEAsANTRT.-A French news
| paper recently had occasion 70 commitment