davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
Htonewall Jackson's Orders obeyed.

DURING the summer campaign of 49,
when General Jackson was preparing
for his famous flank movement on NJ
Clellan's army, and wishing every
one to be kept in Ignorance as to his in
tentions, he issued orders to his men
that in answer to all inquiries made
them they must reply that they knew
nothing Of their Generals designs.
When on the march near Staunton, the
old chief was passing through field
there he met with two soldiers from the
--th Texas regiment making their way
to very tempting looking cherry tree.
He inquired
"Where are you going:'
eve don't know
"What are you going atter:"
"We don't know"
"What regiment do you belong to ~
1--WE don't know"
"What State are you from ?''
"We don't know. Stonewall jackson
has given us orders that in answer to
all questions we are to say, we don't
| Know"
Jackson was silenced. His men We're
acting in strict obedience to his orders.
He could say nothing more to them, and
he let them to enjoy their cherries un-
molested, Southern Opinion.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

THAL's ME,-Wp heard a good story
of II "pert" youngster, whose existence
on this portion Of the moral vineyard
would extend over the period Of five
long, long years. His mother expecting
10 receive compaay, had fixed him up
80 sweetly, arranging his hair and attire
only as n mother can. A. II sort Of n
finishing touch, she sprinkled on his
clothing and handkerchief few drops
of Jockey Club, greatly to the young
ster's delight, Hewent around pulling
and snuiilng like wild deer, when tho
hunter approaches him. lie went
through the regular amount of kissing
and petting like hero, but to his aston
ishment, no one seemed to notice the
Jocky Club, though he waved his hand
kerchirf that their noses might catch
the fragrance. Human nature, Ave
years old, couldn't stand that, you
know, 30 he broke out with; " Folks,
if any of you folks smells a smell, that's
mo-" .4E
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF.-Two
unsophisticated country lasses visited
Niblo's, in New York, during the bal
let season. When the short shrted,
gossGmer.clad nymphs made their APP
pearance on the stage they became rest
less and iidgety.
"Oh, Anniew exclaimed one, soto
rOce.
"Well, Mary" ,"
at amt nice--I don't like it,"
"iIush.h
~ don't care, it amt nice; and
wonder why aunt brought us 10 such Il
place"
Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at
YOU"
After one or two filings and a piron-
cite the blushing Mary said:
"Oh, Annie, let's gC-it amt nice, and
don't feel comfortable"
"Do hush, Mary" replied lhc sister
whose face was scarlet, though it wore
au air of determination : 'il's the first
time l ever was AT a theaser, and l sup
! pose it will be the last; SO | am ast go
! ing 10 see it out, if they dance every rag
OFT their backs y
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

FIRST CASE UNDER THE SAMPLE
LAw."-On Thursday last. Peter M.
Traugh, Esq, of Berwick, was arrested
in this place for violation of the So
called Sample lawn which prohibits
persons non-resideuts Of Lu2erne cOun-
ty, selling goods within its limits with
out taking out license for which the
County Treasurer charges $500, The
penalty for the violation OF the law is
$500. When this infamous law was
passed by Legislature last winter it
caused unbounded indignation in the
community, and it was thought that no
one could be found dirty enough 10 out
rage decency and defy popular feeling
by becoming an informer. We are sor-
~ thHt to Wilkes Barre attaches the
stigma of harboring such AN individual.
The circumstances OF the case are as fol-
lows: MIR. Traugh is Il merchant miller
just over the county line in Columbia,
aud has for years sold largely at Whole
sale to merchants throughout the coun-
Is. Amongst other customers was u
firm in this place, who lately went into
bankruptcy and are now settling with
| their creditors at 20 per cent. Mr..
| Traugh was one ui the creditors when
this firm failed. j. l.. Conucil, the in
former was in the employ Of the bank
rupts prior to their failure, and it is sup
posed is tool for them in this spite ac-
tiOn as he was heard to say that "'l'r"uGh
was rich, and he would make $40 ouy
Uf him." A. half Of the fine under lhe
law goes to the iufurmcr, Chief ot Po-
! lice Ecarney took Mir. rraugh into Gus
tody, and conveyed him before : L.
Parsons, Esq, by whom he was held in
$500 far his appearance at Court.
Mr.. Traugh intends TO contest tho
consttutionality of the law. Ii is hard
Is probable however that the case will
be tried before the law is repealed. j
it should be we pity the man who viii
have to appear before our court as I
prosecutor in such q suit.-LttZ. tHion
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
Several Jokes.

"Gentle dullncss always loves Joke. '--popE
WHY was last year like the fifth
year before last? Because one was 1860
and the other was 1860 tlco.
Why is a percussion cap like death !?
Because it isa DEBT o nGt,T Cdetonator).
In what circumstances is u woman
that wears stays? SraHeaed circum-
stances.
II spectarlcs were christencd, what
classical name would they receive {?
You sec Jy as (Eusebius).
What sort of birds make cool sum.
mer pantaloons Russia ducks.
Why are radicals and the negroes
like the cholera and the smallpox Be-
cause there's no telling which is worst.
What is the only thing that mean
man does not keep? His word
When is young lady sweetest? :?
When she is coRdi(e)d.
IF | argue with man who is in
house on the other side of the street,
why can't we ever agree? Because we
argue from different premises.
Why does clock always look bash
fu ? Because it keeps its hands before
its face.
Why is poor singer like IL counter
fei.er? Because he ~ an utterer Of bad
notes.
Why are policemen like the days of
man? Because they are numbered.
Why Is the common cIord in music,
ike portion Of the Mediterranean
Because it is the E,.G "A, and,C-( Egian
Sea-.
When is defunct mother like "a dog?
When she is Il md-Sti6.
Why are some of our generals like
daucinG-masters toes? Because they
must be turned out.
What English word expressed tho
Latin for cold? "Jelly" does Cell
d,,S).
When | observe Il certain part of a
pretty girl getting into an omnibus,
why is it like liberal bequest? Be-
cause it is a handsome leg l see legacy.
Why is wit like Chinese lady's foot?
because breVlty Is the SO(e OF II.
Why is blacksmith like safe steed?
Because one is u borse-shoer, and the
other is q sure horse.
Why are auctioneers ugly men? Be
cause they are always for 6idding.
What sort of desire does the modern
Cupid excite? Cupidify.
What is the difference between law
suit and lawyer? Sometimes the one
cOnt lie but the other always aW.
What is ilatter than fiat" a ilstter-
er.
Why is an eclipse like man whip
ping his boy? It's hiding of the sun.
When are books like mummies?
When they are bound in cloth.
Why is an oblivious man like a brok-
er? He is always for getting.
Why is gracious man like a bencv-
olent one? He is always for giring.
PETER.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
PRICE FIVE CENTS.
Cripples.

In late letter from Constantinople,
Mark Twain says:
If you want dwarfs-I mean Just n
few dwarfs curiosity-go to Genoa. If
you want to buy them by the gross,
for retail, go to Milan. There are plen-
ty of dwarfs all over Italy, but it did
not seem to me that in Milan the crop
was luxurant. Ifyou would see fair
average style of assorted cripples, 60 to
Naples, or travel through the Roman
States. But if you would see the very
heart and home Of cripples and human
monsters,go straight to COnstantinoplc.
a beggar in Naples who can show a
foot that has run in one horrible toe,
with one shapeless nail on it, has got q
good thing; but such an exhibition
wouldn't stand any chance in Constan-
tinople. The man would starve. Who
would pay any attention to attractions
like his among the rare monsters that
throng the bridges Of the Golden Horn
and display their deformities in the
cutters of Stamboul? O, wretched i'm
poster! How could he stand against
the three legged women, and the man
with his eye in his check? How
would he blush in thepresence of man
with his fingers on his elbow? Where
would he hide himself when the dwarf
with seven fingers on each hand, no
upper lip, and his under-jaw gone,
came down in his majesty: Bismillah!
The cripples of Europe are fraud and
delusion. The truly gifted dourish on
ly in the by-ways Of Pera Stamboul.
There the threc.legged woman lies on
the bridge, with her stock in trade so
disposed of as to command the most
striking cffect--one natural leg, and
two long, slender, twisted ones, with
feet on them, like somebody else's fore
arm. Then there was a man further
along who had no eyes, and whose face
was the color of fy-biown beefstcak,
and wrinkled and twisted like lava
tlow--and verify SO tumbled and dis
torted where his features that no man
could tell the wart that served him for
q nose from his cheek bones. In STAN
boul was man with prodigious head
"nu uiicoHiiioiiJ ioHB pouy, ieSs clSnt
inches long, and feet like cradle rockers
lie Travelled on those feet and his hands
and was as sway backed as if the Colos.
sus Of Rhodes had been riding him.
All, tell you, beggar has to have ex.
ceedingly good points to make living
in Constantinople. a blue.facctl man
that had nothing to offer, except that
be had been blown up in a mine, would
be regarded rs rank imposter, and A
mere damaged soldier on crutehes
| would not make u cent 1t would pay
him to have apiece Of his head taken
! off and cultivate wen like n carpet
| sack.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

A LAUGHABLE occurrence took phlcs
some time since at sewing circle in
Sinclearville, Chautanqua county n. ~
Little Charley" four year old was
lamenting his inability tn attend cir
Gus, then in town, and said to maiden
lady present (of very digniiied bearing,
that he wanted to sec the monkey. The
lady tried to console him. 7sf ist..H
"Neyer mind,n she said jokmgly.
"look at me, look some like one"
YES" said Charley, "but you have
no hair on your back.n
"Well, but have on my head" re,
piled she.
"Well, but you have no paws"
mo matter, Charley, my hands are
about as black to-day" ..
"Well, anyhow you haze no tail ~
This was poser, and put the ques-
ton at rest.
The Fredonia Adrertiser is responsi-
BILE for the above,
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

TIE NEw BAHY. We have had SO
many kind friends ask about that baby,
that we have thought it necessary to
biograph the chap briefly, and some
what after the current style of the day.
It's boy. He's buster, Weighs
nine pounds and quarter; aG old wo-
man tells us he will grow hea vier as
his weight increases. He's the first boy
of which we've ever been proprietor,
and of course is the only baby in town.
The old woman aforementioned de-
clarcd him the very image of his pa ;
~ little copy OF his faithful sire in face
and gesture" But in Justice to the
youth, we must say we think him an
Improvement on the Original-a world
of progress, you know. This young
American is as old rs could be expected
considering the time he was born, and
will doubtless be too Old for his father
In few years, if he has good luck. He
Is quite rotlcent in politics, and only
wants to be left alone. We think he
fayors Mrs. Winslow's policy. We
haven't named him yet; we want to
give him distinguished cognoInen,
but the fame of Our great men is at
present so precarious that we don't like
to risk. II is perhaps unnecessary TO
say, us all biographers do of distinguish
cd personages, that the subject of this
sketch was born at very carly age, OF
poor but respectable parents, - Hest
ejH Pper.p
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

The finest idea of thunder storm
extant was when our old friend Gilley
came home tight. Now Gilley belong
ed to a temperance society, and had
been to temperance meeting, after
" hich he drank too much lemonade or
something. He. came into the room
where his wife and daughter We're sit
ting, and just then he tumbled over the
cradle and fell, whop on the floor. Az
ter little he rose and said;
" Wife, are you hurty' .
"No," was the short reply,
"Glrls, are you hurt"
"No, SIR"
Terrible clap, wasn't it?" ...-.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
Mistellaneous.
Money and Morals.
BN REV. j. j.. CORNING.

EVERY youlg man adventurirg up
on the game ut Success has rW to
succeed, but whether or not a rdy is
open, only experiment can determine.
a hungry ambition for success easily
gets to he u demand, rs unconditional
as that of bandit with his fingers
rlutching the throat of the wayfarcr.
The old heather used to get angry with
their dciiies, and abuse them with all
rlasphemoUs epithets if they did not
grant their prayers. So ! have seen
men Of such grasping greed for gain,
hat if they should threaten the great
tied Of Destiny with vengeance in case
heir desires were denied, the blasphem-
ing would but truly express the degree
of their voracious appetite. " ie god
and godde,scs, give me SUGGEST" cries
the man. "Aud pray, in what man
hcr?n the Divinities of Fate reply.
" No matter what manner, 50 that
have it," prays the insane devotee. In
that audacious petition, or in the
Thought which fathers ii, sounds the
leath-knell of Virtue, Truth, Honor,
and every noble element of manhood.
That ambition which will take no de-
nal of Fate shall be the mattock, and
pick, and bar, with which all that is OF
good report in the soul shall be under
mined and doomed to chaotic ruin
With slow or speedy tread the proces.
Il moral dissolution may go forward tC
ts final and fatal result. Little craft,
may pave the way to great falsehoods
he petty larcenies which the code o
commerce legitimates lead to tho 81
gantic swndles which make Nationa
Finance stagger and quake to its cen
ire. Come the moral disaster, soon Ol
ate, it matters little--it will certainly
eventuate in this damning process
GravtatiOn will no more certainly
bring n stone to the earth than an un
| conditional greed of gain will bring D.,
man to the lowest abysses OF moral in
| fanny.
When epidemics spread over II com
| muuity there is always certain clas'
Of people in certain physical conditions
| who fall victims to them. So, whel
| there come seasons of great financial in
| l'aton, which are the cpidemics Of com
| mr,ce, there is always certain style q
| men who become inveigled Into mora
if not material ruin. The monetary OK
/ u la, ~ not Ia
milking ready for the harvest of frau,
nd villainy which we behold today
Money was scattered over the land iik
caves in Autumn. 1t was game c
ards, in which every body participa
ted. People who were born in hove
md reared with spade in their tis
by strange freak of fortune, woke n
one morning at Saratoga with coac
land -four, with plenty and elegance al
pended TO them-like a philosopher
coat put upon tho back of Chickasa'
Indian. And then all the people bega
to say, "Why may not zee be rich ?
and like the ancient idolators in Eph'
,us, only with different divinity, til
'ry was, "Great is Shoddy of America;
md all the people bowed down an
! worshipped at his shrine. Men that Ina
not brains enough TO make more than
.canty livelihood by legitimate means
Degan to manipulate the dice-boxes
, peculative adventure and to bring u
. prizcs. Old, decayed bankrupts, WI
| md ,ynpa ont pf siuht In the tiu3uci
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
nnrGS. CHEMICALS, &C,

.,,>,.u druggist aud ppothecary, hK-
.,.a hIocl, Nam ST. 49,
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

A NEVADA widow erected n tomb
stone and planted rosebuds upon the
grave Of her husband, only to
have the ungrateful man turn up alive
from the other side Of the mountain
just in time to spoil particularly ad-
vantageous marriage for which she had
engaged herself. Perhaps the grave
was dug so deep that he fell thrJ ugh.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

merchant tailor' Nam ST, 1n ~
",annvc An,cricn ho tse' Ni-n7'
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

% ,,., NIuiu vl-ui
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
Chuire Pnftru.
AFTER THE BURIAL.
ny JAMES RUssEIL LOWELL,

q Yrs. Faith is II goodly anchor;
~ when SIX les are sweet rs II psalm,
rhiAt the bows 1t lols so stalwnrt
pro In bluT broad .sl ouldered calm,
And when, over breakers 10 leeward,
The tattercd surges ave hurled,
II may keep our head 10 the tempest,
Win its grip on the base ofthe world.
But, af er the shipwrccli, tell me
What help in It's iron ihows,
Still true 10 the broken hawser,
Deep down among sea weeds and ooae?
In the breaking gulfs OF fsorrow,
When the helpless feet stretch out
And find in the cps ordarkncss
No footing 20 solid az doubt.
Then better one spar of memory,
one broken plank of the past,
That our human heart may cling to,
Though hopeless of shore at last!
To the spitit its splendid conJccturcs
To the flesh its sweet despair,
Its tears o'er he hin worn locket
with lis beauty of deathless hair
Immortal? feel it and know it:
Who doubts it Of such as she?
But that is the pangs very secret
Immortal away from me!
There's a naro ridge in the graveyard
Would scarce stay child in his race;
Eui 10 me aud my thoughts 1t is wider
Than The s,ar-sown vague of space.
Your logic, my friends, is perfect,
Your morals most drearily true
But the earth that stops my alling's ears
Makes mine in>ensate too;
Console, IL you will ] can bear II:
'Tis a well meant aims Of breath:
Eut not all The preaching Since Adam
Has made Death other than Death
Communion in spirit! Forgive me,
But !, who am ear, hly aud weak,
Would give all my incomes from dr,amlnn
For her rose-leaf palm on my cheek
That nttle shoe in the corucr,
So worn ana wIinklcd and btuwr--
It's mo ionlcss hollow con uies you,
And nIgies your W istium down.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
,,ooNSBURG DIRECTORY.

rovrs AND TINWARE.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

A "GRowING" ITEM.-A woman in
Detreit has been arrested for smuggling
tea in her stockings. - Express.
In North Carolina the women carry
nails in their stockings, ,-Raleigh Pro.
gress.
Nothing wonderful. The ladies Of
Forsythe carry calves in their stockings
Salem Observer.
And one of our ladies carries her corn
in hers.--Rome Ga, Com.
The ladies in this section who sym
pathze with Andy johnson in his fight
with the Radicals, carry V-toc- in theirs
which are very seldom passed over
their heads ds-Nincennes Sun.
All the women down our way carry
splendid e'egies legs, In their stockings
Kentucky News.
The ladies here all carry 'eels (heels)
in their stockings. st. Joseph Vindi-
Gator.
Down this way some of them not
only carry calves in their stockings,
but they also carry bran to fatten them
Mexico Messenger.
! Almost all the ladies hereahouts car.
ry BMnya,l'S works in their stockings
| We consider this n'--
Union Sentinel.
| The ladies OF Scranton are not very
particular what they put in their stock.
ings-keeping their souls there--and
are so awkward that they often "get
their foot in it."-Regster.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

"MIss SMITH, wish tospeak 10 yon,
in private. Permit nae to take you
apart for Il few moments,' Miss smith
(who wasn't at all frightened.l "Cer-
tainly, sir, if you will promise to put
me together again"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
BUCKHORN DIRECTORY.
HOTELS AND SALOONS.
EXCHANGE HOTEL,
ELONMsnUEG. NOINMElA co. PA.

Tie undersigned having purchased this we'll
KuoHu aud centrally ucatrd nuusr, the Exchange
Hotel, situate ptt MAIN STREET, In Bloomsburg
Immediately oppusi q th"t ulunihn county court
House, respectfully inform thcr friends and Il,
uuplic in general that thcir house Il now in order
.ur he rccrlt iun nnd entertainment Of travellers
who .! ~ be dispusvd Ia iiNOi II with ih-li Gus
Ium. They have spared no expense IN preparing
lht EHchHugp Tor rtheenttrtniniucnt otiheir guests
nrIiuur shall there he anything wanting ON their
at to minister 10 their persona! comfort. They
nuuhc is spacious and enjoys an excellent bust
tess lucutiOn
Dmnihusrs run al an times between the Tx
ahitngc Hotel aud the NHiiuuo railroad dcpulS, by
gbich tlpNClrrs VIII be pleasantly conveyed IN
md from the respective stations ~ nuc time To
meet l., ,e GERS. kOOES n CLARK.
GluuR, snUrg. April ., 1865
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
Tho Editor--A schools-boy's Com
position.

A sCIooIBoY's composition on "The
Editor" ran as follows, in school not
far from Cincinnati ......
"rHE EDIrOR.-The editor is one Of
the happisst animals in the known
world. lie can go TO the circus, after.
noon and evening, without paying II
cent; also TO inquests and hangings.
lie has free tickets to picnics and straw
berry festivals, gets wedding cake sent
him, and sometimes gets licking, but
not often, for he can take things back
the next issue, which he generally does.
| never knew only one editor to get
lickt. paper busted that day, aud
he couldn't take nothing back.
"Whilc other folks have to go TO bed
carly, the editor can sit up late every
night, and see all that's going on. The
boys think it's big thing to hang out
till 10 o'clock. When / am man l
mean to be an editor, so / can stay out
nights. Then that will be bully. The
editor don't have to saw wood or do
any chopping, except with his scissors.
Railroads get. up excursions for him,
knowing if they didn't he'd make 'em
get up and git. In politics he don't
care much who he goes for If they are
on his side. If they amt he goesfor 'em
anyhow, SO it amounts to nearly the
same thing. There is a great many
people trying to be editors who can't
and some Of them have been in the pro-
fession for years. They can't see it,
though. If was asked if had rather
have education or be circus rider,
would say, let me go and be an editor"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
THE COLUMBIAN,
A Democratic Newspaper
rs PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY MORNING AT
BLOOMsBURG, PENN'A.


THE principles oi THIS paper are OF the JehcrSon-
ian School of politics. Those principles Will never
be compromised, yet courtesy and Kindness shall
not be forgotten In discussing them whether with
individuals, or with contemporaries of the Press
The unity, happiness, ana prosperity oi the couh-
try is our aim and object; ana aS the means to
secure thnt we snail labor honestly ana earnestly
Tor the harmony, success ana growth n' our organ
ization
TERMS OF FSuBschiPTloS:-Iwo dollars year
II paid IN advance. II not PAID III advance wv"
uoiiars ana MY cents Will be lhNhrHolS chareeu'
TERMS OF ADVERTISING :-ohe square Veh lines
" 'N''' " '0'
qncnt insertion 80 cents.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

. ,..z druggist aud. .arntnecary, fuper'
It ,t,,n A.. west OF Market. 4Nl-AI'
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16

MElH, wv w' ho,,se vi-n4a
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1868-10-16
EDDl,S AND SHOWS.


VANS. .M. -. surgeon and physician sout,,t
'', t.tnW MARKET, WINS