Smyrna times., 1868-12-16
cons.
THE PRIVATE HABITS OF HORACE
GREELEY!


BY MARK TWAIN, OF THE TRIBUNE's STAFF.
Mr. Greeley gets up at three o'clock in the
morning; for it is one of his favorite maxims
that only early rising can keep the health un-
impaired and the brain vigorous He then
wakes up all the household, and assemblies
them in the library by candleEght, and after
quoting the beautiful lines,
Makes healthy, wealthy and WISE"
he appoints each individuals task for the day,
sets him at it with encouraging words, and
goes back to bed again. | mention here, in no
fault-fndiug spirit, but with the Difference
Justly due to a man who is older, and wiser,
and worthier than |, that he snOres awfully.
In moment of irritation once, [ was rash
enough to say | never would sleep with him
until he broke himself of this unfortunate habit.
| have kt It my word with bigoted and unwa-
vering determination.
! At half past eleven clock Mr.. Greeley rises
again. He shaves himself He considers
tkat there is great virtue and economy in shaw
! ing himself He does it with a dull razor,
sometimes humming par. Of tune The knows
| a part of tune, and takes an innocent delight
! in regarding it as the first part Of Old Hundred;
| but parties familiar with that hymn have felt
obliged to confess that they could not recog
nize it, and, therefore, the noise he makes is
| doubtless an unconscious original composition
of Mr. Greeley's, and sometimes, when the
razor is especially dull, he accompanies him
self with formula like this: damn the
damned razor, and the damned outcast who
made il" Fl. G.
| He then goes out into his model garden, and
applies his vast store of agricultural knowledge
to the amelioration of his cabbages after which
he writes an able agricultural article for the in
struction of American farmers, his soul cheer
ed the while with the reflection that if cabba-
ges we're worth eleven dollars apiece, his model
farm would pay.
He next goes to breakfast, which is frugal,
abstemious meal with him, and consists OF
nothing but Just such things as the market af-
fords. nothing more. He drinks nothing but
water, and coffee, and tea, and Scotch ale, and
, lager beer, and lemonade with fly in it
sometimes house fly, and sometimes horse
! fly, according to the amount OF inspiration re-
{ uuired to warm him up to bis daily duties.
During breakfast he reads the Tribune al
through, and enjoys the satisfaction of knowing
Q that all the brilliant things in it, written by
o Young, and Cooke, and Hazard, and myself
are attributed to him by con6ding and infer
nal public
r After breakfast he writes short editorial
Z and puts u large dash at the beginning of it
: thus (-,) which is the same as if he put III
!. g. after it, and takes savage pleasure in re
il Hecting that none of us understrappers can US
Oi IDaL QaSIl, eACepI COuNSISdIIOu WUel
2 chatting over the outrage. He writes this edi
es toriai in his own handwriting. He does it be
cause he is so VAIN Of his penmanship. He al
!. ways did take an inordinate pride in his pen
ie manship. He hired out once in his youn
SSss days, as a writing master, but the enterpris
Tgs failed. The pupils could not translate his re
ed marks with any certainty, his hrst copy wa
to i" Virtue is it's own reward, and they got II
in "Washing with soap is wholly absurd, an
@ so the trustees discharged him for attemptin
=, to convey bad morals through the medium {
re worse peumanship. But as ] was saying,
asf ast writes his morning editorial Then he tries
St read it over, and can't do it, and so sends it
rn the printers, and they try to read it, and can
.s do it and so they set it up at random as yc
ad- NAV say, putting in what words they can
led make out, and when they get aground on lor
!; Ia word they put in reconstruction or " VI
:, yersal suffrage" and spar off and paddle ahea
pte 1ty and next morning if the degraded public ct
'tT- tell what it is all about they say III. G. wro
Y. it. and if they CAM they say it Is one Of tho
F. Iimbecile understrappers, and that is the end
On SUNDAYS Mr.. Greeley sits in promine
n new in Mr.. Chaplin church, and lets on tn
IF he is asleep, and the congregation regard it
i. an eccentricity of genius. -. !,
and When he is going to appear IN public, d
tian Greeley spends two hours on his toilet lie
side the most painstaking and elaborate man abe
a ,he getting up his dress that in America j
a OF = h;S,nbi iafast md his DeaSanteSt fOlDle.
and 10 ut0 "" s-l:.o ru.uaoot ond turnc
lder- nuts on tllS Olu WulIe OfcicOht' ahu Sui"S
the s' tLe collar. He pots on soiled shirt, say
from T ie' the wash, aud leaves one end Of the co
hiees unbutt0neu I16 puIS VA nag ''SSF NttNP'-"
The hat turns it wrong side before, cants it o.
GSit fsF the back of his head and jams an extra.
1itisS saS in the side of it. He puts on his most q
d ad cious boots, and spends shfteen minutes tuck
eke.s the left leg of his pants into his boat-tol
a wbat n Isl shall seem the most careless and unsi
the sdH ied way But his the ARA,
..,t noent of his cravat that he throws all his 9
!, The ali the powers OF his great mind. After u