The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1868-06-18

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ously. If be had, how easy might his
son have become second Father of bis
Country. At an early period of his life
he cut his teeth on copy of the Consti-
tuition of the United States, and little
later on studied strategy from cheap
edition of the American "Hoyle." From
this latter book he learned to cut and
shuttle in remarkable manner, and could
make his partner believe he was playing
for himself. 1t is a remarkable fact that
tor the first two years of his life he never
spoke word, and he hasn't spoken many
since. The first word he did say was
''pap." Whether this referred to his pa
ternal guardian, or to the pap known as
official, cannot Of course be told There
seems to be considerable doubt existing as
to what his initials (U. S stand for
seme contending for the United States and
others for Unsophisticated Sardine. Nei-
ther of these, however, are correct. They
simply stand for Useless Simpson. Use
less, after celebrated Eeulan Emperor,
was given him by his grandfather, who
was learned historian-and Simpson is
after an uncle who still carries on business
in the Bowery.
Useless principal amusement in youth
was breaking horses and breaking wood :;
and when he was only ten years old he
could tell g horse from a mule in about
ten minutes, and could break the smallest
quantity of wood of any boy of his age.
One day, when his father had gone away
from home, this obedient boy went to the
barn, and putting bride on the fine three
year-old colt, took him out in the field for
the purpose of breaking him. He broke
him in just three minutes-he broke his
neck. For this little joke his father fianked
him severely
He was always very fond of driving
and taking care of spirited oxen, and
would do any kind of work with them
He took team one day unbeknown to
any one, and going out in the forest, actu-
ally hauled in enough wood to make a re-
spectacle fire with. With the aid of half
a dozen of men he could easily load the
biggest log in the forest; and furthermore
he could stand by all day and look at
man chop it up. Quite early in life he
had his counterfeit presentment taken and
his head examined by celebrated artist
and learned phrenologist, who told him
he would undoubtedly one day become
president-of a debating society From
the fact of his telling so long beforehand
that Useless would one day become dis
tinguished, this learned phreuologist could
not possibly have been a pupil of Fowler
& Wells. In the company of other BOYS
Useless was very quiet and reserved, tho
on all desperate occasions he was always
selected as the leader. But to tell the
truth. he cared very little for the society
of boys, greatly preferring to associate
with horses and mules.
There is no truth in the report that he
was ever tanbark student, though he
always had great taste for grand and
lofty tumbling "a taste, by the way, which
he shortly expects to indulge and at one
time devoted all his spare moments to
carrying water on both shoulders at once,
without spilling drop. Perhaps the re-
port originated from the following little
incident: A circus coming to the place
where he lived, he borrowed a quarter
from fellow horse tanner, and went down
to see the show. The ring-master, some
time during the intellectual and moral
exhibition, offered a counterfeit SIS bill TO
any boy who could ride the mule around
the ring certain number of times. Young
Useless Immediately accepted the bill, and
Jumping into the ring said ''he'd ride that
mule around if it took all summer
Springing on his back, he busted him over
the ear and shouted for him to go on
The mule Immediately bolted forward,
then suddenly stopped and kicked up be-
hind and before, and reared up and tum-
bled over. But all to ne purpose. Like
the celebrated Roman warrior, Egregious-
ly Mistaken Stanton, Useless refused to
be shook. The ringmaster, seeing bis
bill was in fair way of changing hands,
became considerably riled, and at once
left living cynocephalus loose in the ring
The strange creature Immediately jumped
up behind young Useless, and got on his
head and in his pockets, and in front of
him, and in fact got himself 50 mixed I'D
with him that it was impossible to tell
which was the monkey and which was
the future great strategist. However, he
won the money and it is said that even
to this day the man owes it to him.
Having no taste for the tanning busi-
ness, as carried on toward him by his
father, he applied for and obtained admis-
sion to West Point. Here he was prin-
cipally remarkable as good eater and
sleeper, and by applying himself to his
studies, soon distanced all competitors,
and, on graduating stood number thirty in
a class of thirty-one. 1t is not positively
known whether the thirty arst boy was
General Sickles or General Schenck.-
Lieutenant Useless, as he was now called,
fought and distinguished himself in all
the battles of the Mexican War and had
brigadiers been as plentiful then as now,
he would in all probability have been re-
duced to that rank in society What he
did in the late rebellion everybody knows;
and if they don't we advise them to ask
any grave-digger in Virginia. He is at
present residing at small city called
Washington, under the Immediate care of
Mr. Wash hurOe (yUho toILs ~ Tooo,o,,