Des Arc weekly citizen., 1868-03-07
SALMAGUNDI.

Is2s- hen person well repienisnes fire how does it fecl2 Grateful.
 s9-Why is dancing like milk2 Be- cause it strengthens the calves.
 sgWhy is the letter D like squal- ling child? Because it makes ma mad.
 pGThe chap who sung "Ah! don't mingle," takes his whiskey straight.
 pEwhy is person in deep thought like a soldier in camp? Because he is intent. si~
 psrIt is supposed that the man who left the house was not able to carry it with him.
 RS-Why are great many bills in Congress like lobsters? Because, when read, (red) they lie on the table.
 ngWhat is the first thing boy does when he falls into the water? He gets wet.
 pgWhy are ladies' eyes like per- sons separated by distant climes? Be- cause they correspond, but never meet.
 Why is q young mans arm like the gospel? Because it makes glad the waist places.
 egWhy do stewed chickens resem- ble firearms? Because they are fowl in'-picces.
 a@Which one of the planets is of Israelitish origin? Jupiter (Jew-Pe- CT.
 nSr How were Adam and Eve pre-. vented from gambling? Their pair O dice was taken away from them
 pg-Brigham Young conducts his connubial affairs on the principle of "large business and small Prophets"
 nGy-Punch thinks there is an obvious propriety in going out to dinner in a swallow-tail coat. ais1
 asy-An old bachelor says the ladies are like Scotch snuff, because they will bring foolish man to his knees (sueeze.) 4s--u7.ifs5 5 asyOne of our citizens, hearing noise ill the kitchen few evenings since, discovered lean looking chap stealing his lard. lnquiring of him what he was after, the thief replied: 'I'm getting fat"
 asgDr. Johnson was one day dining at the house of an English lady, when she asked him if he did not think her pudding very good.
 Yes growled the moralist, it is good enough for hogs
 Shall help you to another platcfulV was the instant reply.
 Da~A young lady was told by mar ried lady that she had better preeipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied: T would if thoughtI could find husband at the bottom :"
 ssy~"What do you do P asked traveller of a country urchin whom he saw in front of a farmers house tick ling toad with long straw. "Oh can do morn considerable I rides the turkeys to water, miIks tho geese, cards down the old rooster, puts up the pig's tails in papers to make them curl, ham-strings the grass-hoppers, makes fires for heas to court by, keeps tally for dad and mann when they scold at mark, and cuts the buttons off dads coat when he's at prayers in the morn- ing" ~ N.H
 ssg-Milo Blair, of the Boonville Ea- gle, always full of frolicking fun, gets off an amusing yarn on the courtship of widower and blooming widow in his neighborhood. To make long story short, he repaired to the house of the widow, and opened his business thus: l rae
 "They tell me you want to hitch if that's so, I'm your everlasting huckle- berry," A tint somewhere between a turkey red and vermillion, rose to her cheek, as she replied "Seems to me am kind of lonely, and if you are in dead earnest, Pm in." A flash of cleo tric light, which romantic people call affinity passed between them and in a few days they were married.
 sTA newly-married couple were lately present at a revival meeting in this state, and during the exercises from some cause or other, the bride fainted. Intense excitement followed, in the midst of which an old gentleman, noted for his antipathy to tight laeing, gen. eral hardness of heart and bad habit of stuttering, cried out at the top of his voice to the distressed husband, who was holding his fainting wife in his arms: "A-a-ron, damn it, m-man, take out your knife and c-c-cut her lacers. A general roar of laughter followed, even from the most sedate. but the new-made husband adopted the pres cription on the instant, and with suc- cess.
 rsg-The Hartford Press tells story of a recent accident on the New Lon- don Railroad. An intoxicated Irish- man was sitting on the track, when the engine struck him and tossed him down an elabankment. The conductor back ed his train to pick up tho dead body. The victim was found aliye, however, only somewhat bruised, and taken to Norwich. Here the conductor kindly offered to send the man to his home, a few miles away, in hack, but he in- sisted on his ability to walk and refus- ed to be sent home. The conductor pressed the matter, when the Milesian.