The Van Buren press., 1868-06-26
Budget of SclssOrings.


di;ies so well that he hnmors her in every
caprice il she imagines rheumatism is her
complaint, he agrees with hcrand prescrib-
es some harmless portion Sif che thinks her
appetite is decreasing. some bread pills
keep licr in good spirits until the fanciei
symptoms OF some other disease induces
her to send again for him. l
During the last four years Tom has often
wished that has wife wouldroll down stairs
and break her foolish head for the reason
that the physicians and apothecary's bills
made serious inroad upon his income.
.s-t About three months ago she complained
OF a pain in her side, and, as usual, the doc
tor was summoned. After prescribing
two or three bottles Of different compounds
all harmless, but rather expensiye-he
said
Allyou want to assist medicine in ef-
fcctng cure is little rousing. Although
your ailment is serious.i it is not dangerous.
Assume little energy and you will recov-
or. Remember, rouse yourself"
After the doctor had retired, thu patient
fsncied that at last some serious disease
was beginning to manifest itself, and like a
fool, went to he'd in despair.
Tom understood the case thoroughly
from long experience, and said mentally:
"She wants q rousing, does she Well,
III give her surprise that will Starlle her"
Mrs. Hake, an attractive widow, was en-
gagged to act in the capacity of nurse TO
Mrs G. The widow is young, buxom,
amiable. and Tom thought her attractive
qualities might be- available IN giving the
patient the necessary rousing.
A short consultation with Mrs Hake
resulted in the arrangement Of the plan. tho
execution of which was to induce Mrs. q.
to forever throw physic to the dogs.
Lrts the next evening while the patient
was fretting and groading, Tom called
Mrs. Hake aside and said to her, in a1pre-
tended whisper, utloud enough 10 be heard
by the invalid: ii2
"Poor Fanny she is about 70 die at last
and you and may as well arrange for our
marriage" gf 80 Oa ls ea
Tom threw glance over his shoulder as
he spoke, and observed the dying patient
ceased her groanirg and began to rouse her.
self Arising quickly to sitting posture
in the bed to note every word of conversa-
tion, she started at them with eyes as big
as small onions boiled
"'Twill be relief to hcH continued
Tom, for she has always been an invalid.
too, have suffered as well as she but with
you, the picture Of health, as my wife, hap
piness will be complete" '+
The widow threw herself upon Toms
shoulder, her arms about his neck, and be-
gan to chew Ills vestin mouthfuls to smoth.
or herlaughter. 8 Gf ,.-
How soon cshaR we set married after
she is dead ?" asked Tom, passing his arm
around the widows substantial waist.
81 suppose you will be willing to wait
a week or two ?" simpcred Mrs Hake as
she leaned her head on his shoulder and
took another mouthful Of vest.
The invalid uttered an exclamation and
landed on the floor. =, ..... .--
."You think am going to die, do you?'
she exclaimed "Ill live to spite you
both, and for you"--she turned and grasp
ed Mrs. Hake by the haia-" out of my
house, you designing vixen III act as
my own nurse hereafter. !"
From that day to this, Mrs. G.. has en-
joyed good health, and Tom has enjoyed
good spirits, because he has not had o
doctors bill to pay. lie knew how to
cure her; for she only needed rousing, and
Tom "roused her"
A RArrY ARTICLE BY JOSH BILLINGS
Rats originally cum from Norway. and l
wish they had originally staid thar.
They are as uncalled for as pain in the
small Of the back.
They can be domesticated dreadful easy
that is, as far as getting in cupboards
and eating cheese and guawing pie is con-
cerned.
The best way to domeSticate them that
ever saw is to surround them gently with
a steel trap; you can reason with them then
/, to great advantage. t...i. ..
Cats arc migratorious they migrate
wherever thoy have mind TO-
Pizen is also good for rats !, soitens
their nature.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and
who don't 2h0 n Alh<I'i
suppose there is between fifty and six
millions of rats iu America quote
nowsonly entirely from meuory land
don't suppose there is single necessary
rat in tho whole lot This shows at n glance
how many waste rats there is. Rats en-
hance in numbers faster than shoe pegs do
BY machinery. One pair Of healthy rats is
all that any man wants to start the rat bu-
siness with, and in ninety days. without
any outlay, he will begin to have rats to
turn of. ,,,Y
Rats, viewed from any platform you can
build, are unspoakably cussid,
-" Owing to the peculiar arrange.
ment Of the programme, no piece can be
repeated" was the answer White received
from his landlady upon asking for sec.
end piece Of pie at dinner.