The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1868-02-26
Sat I0yensQed ON the Puritan Yankee.
Powerful onaFy stock, Georgia, powerfa

The rale, pure Puritan, Yankee baby, has
naik like gourd, a foot like glut, an :;
belly like mildew's drumhead. He gets his
eyes open at five days, while other pups he.
to waite nine, and long befor that time he
learns to listen ov mite for his MANS snorin,
when he ateals In to suck on the sly, not that
he's hungry, for he's got the usual Yankee
mess Of billed starch, but because stolen milk
is sweet even this early to the blue. blinc.
scrawny young trapmaker, He has cheated!
his mam, without eyes, so guess he'll mako
an average Yankee, able to keep up the fami-
ly name, and perhaps invent cod hook or Il,
clothes-pin. From that mite on, the varmint's
whole life is string of cheats-strait along
never restin', never missin', ontil clocks wore
out aud broke. As the dog vomits, as the
mink sucks blood. as the snail shines, as the
possum shams death, SO does the YANKEES
cheat, "for every varmint has his gift"
He believes in schools and colleges as &
barber does in strops and homes, and bsin
good to sharpen razors on. He'll sing hiu,s
and pray prayers for you, and may be, gin You
dime; but ef you don't soon find yourself
sot back five miles on your road to heaven
and ninety cents lozer by his zeal and charity
you may shut my eyes out wit hog slop, and
| won't even say phew! His long, cold, fla.
back is the color Nv mulatter gals head,
Jlst arter hit has been close shaved, and hits
stuck all over from the scrag to the tail, VIII
his sins like Ieyenoo stamps on law suit, and
II you II examine them close, you II fine . chez.
OF some sort in the last darnea one. If hi,
sins among the shes, there's cheat either j.,
money or expectashuns. If he sins cussin,
that's cheat in the words, he'll try to SNUG.
gle in Cd d-n, onder the wherein sham
of "gau darn" If he sins stealth chick
ems, be II steal back at daybreak. and crow,
jlst to make the poor devil think his ole cock
is still on the roost If he sells you an an
pie for cent, after smellin the copper, he'll
try to slip peace on to you, even if it is ov
the same price, jist for the sake Nv stickin :;
cheat into the trade. He scalds his leathe,
snout dippin it into your soup, he'll offer YOU
wooden nutmeg for enough of the skinmins
to grease the burn. He'll eat Goldfish. and
try to cheat himself into believing hits beet.
and he'll listen to the chirpin of the erickets
in his fre-jam, and tell his children that hi.
says s'cheat, cheat, cheat" His big, Timber
foot is cheat, for its shape and size makes
you think hit must have CUTS in hit, when
hit hain't got one. IF you cut his throat
you'll find 4 cheat, for instead of warm red
blood, stream of sky blue will run, so cold
that it'll freeze the black ants what cit over
looked by the phlud, and when the devil gets
him he'll DO cheated, for he won't burn as
good as salted rawhide What he war mada
tor is what's Fostering me, onless it war to
mark us hav better opinion of pole cats, PCS
sums and cotton mouths, or as Twin sampils
to skeer us out of the road to hell. reck
on hit would be tolcrable safe rule to do
muffin the Yankee does, and do most ANYTHING
what he lets alone
L kin sorter bar tho idear owe my bein .
natural born'd darn d fool the sody business.
sister Sails unlawful baby-everything-even
the las war on Thad Steyens-but for the
life owe me, | cant reconstruct myself on tbs
idear of the landin' or the MayAower. What
cud our maker be thinkin, that he forgot to
lay the fingers on her roster snout, and turn
her down in the soft sea, Wit his. pesriferors
load Of cantin cheats an moral diseases. Thx
wust that pud happened would a bin thr
plsenlng ov shout or two of sharks, and
KILN the coral where the ole tub Law.
am mad at the Injins, too, for they didn't
90 thar duty to 'em arter they did Ian. II
they had clrcunlsized the head ov the lss.
darn'd one, burnt their close, pack d thar cas-,
ousses heads aud tails, herrin fashion in thar
old ship, sat the sails and pinted her snoas
the way Wards ducks went, they'd deserved
tobacco and whiskey while wood grows ard
water runs Spose they'd a strung thr,s..
hundred an one scalps on willow switch fop
bait, and went a meckeril fshin. We'd has
no meckeril now, reckon, but what gc,,,
eral blsssin it would bin to the whole yearta
the isles of the sea, witches and nigge,..
Wudn't them lnjups had a saYory smell j..
my snout, in spite Of their grubworm odo~.
an wouldn't rise of midnight, or any other
night, to call EN- blessid, in spite Of th;r
roasting my grapdaddy. No wooden clocks.
horn gun ain's, nur higher law; no Millerism.
Mormonism, nor free love- No Abolitionism.
spirit rappins, nor growing hens. No Bloom
er bit britehea mean to say /; no Greedy, D..
Sumner. Oh! my grashus; hits too good t,
think about. Durn them there leather H..
juns; they let the best chance slip ever Iniuna
had to give everlasting comfort to continent,
and to hell back at least FIVE hundred years.
Use powerful feared I amt reconstructed on
Injun question either.
George. pass the jug, the subject overpow.
ering ME, and | amt quite done uubuzum.,
myself yet That's powerful reaching whi1,
Ky owe yourp.
Well, everything the Yankee does am 1.
cheat in some way The word cheat cover.
his whole character as perfectly as ball ov
dirt kivers bug. Thar may be iron cof5a
and silver tassels, there may be grave stono
from Italy, the side ov his face may be cus
into rock, and stuck agn the wall in hi4
church, and they may call their trottin har.
SEES, cod boats, and blue babies AFTER him, yss
still under that velvet kiverlid, inside that
iron coffin, atwixt that fine liuin, and t'l.st
shriyeled hide of his'n is that ball of dirt.
He couldn't live without hit and he we'll n.y.
er be without hit ontil the Sheriff Angel 1T
the door Of the last supreme court shells HIM
outen it with kick afore he slings'm naked
into the prisoners box, whar from the fn.s
time, from his fust squall, and the cold aid in
his snout up to that orful kickin out on iuay,
meut day, he'll stand only on his rale mer...
"a Yankee wifi winder in his breast, Tx,
one ov his own hemlock clocks, showing al
ov his inside springs, traps and triggers,
Then veil see what he rally is for the tu.a