The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1868-09-19
Budget of Jim.

D"uNtt " ~ uNs
The country is of course the place for agricul-
ture, but it is indisputaoe fact that wild oats
are mostly raised in the cities
An ignorant little urchin told his SUNDAY
School teacher that John the Baptist was can
nibal, because he ate low cusses and wild honey.
Private Smith, of the 33d infantry, thinks he
ought to be arrested under the revenue laws boz
cause he keeps private still.
A worthy citizen recently deceased" is spoken
OF by Texan paper as "a man of great energy.
who had Roman nose with strong religious ton.
dencies"
cynical compostor morning paper prints
the friendship of woman" the .'fendship." The
error must be the fault Of "the devil"
A widower, accused Of never having shed a
tear on the occasion Of his wife's death and bur-
lai' defended his conduct on the ground that she
caused INN to shed SO many before her death,
that the briny fountain was utterly dry.
Joe, my DEAR" said fond wife to her hus.
band, who was railroad engineer, do fix up a
little, you look so slovenly. Only think what an
awful memory it would be for me if you should
get blowed up looking SOP
1--WE know GIRL" says some one, $50 indus
frious that when she has nothing else to do, she
sits and knits her brow"
Why is an author the most wonderful man in
the world Because his tale comes out of his
head
Why are old maids the most charming Of peo.
ple' Because they are matchless
Loves Labor Lost-A hen sitting on wooden
eggs.
Why is the Texas fever like mouse Because
be cstll catch it,
PETTY QUARRELs-I say, Brown, what
Close shaver Jones is; he'll squabble about a pen.
ny" "Well, what if he does Z" said Brown ..,be
less one squabbles about the better"
One Of party of musical friends. referring TO
an exquisite musical composition said THAT
song always carries me away when | hear il"
Can any one sing it Z" asked Jerrold
A Western editor, in response to a subscriber
VINO grumbies that his morning paper is intoler-
ably damp says "that is because there is so
much due dew on it,
hat nose is more brilliant than a toner,
nose Why, volcanoes, to be sure. Pat remarks
mat 'he chief glow OF each comes from the era
ter
scene IN "a printing office when advertised for
girls to set type: Enter Young woman. ..Do
you want to employ any one to print, sir +? saw
your advertisement" Can you set up we'll.
mi z Young lady bushes, Gays she hasn't had
oeas yet, but expects She could if necessary
eountrynan Of Tim Donsvan's was severely
hurt The doctors said be had "a compound
coinminuted confused fracture Of the 'tlbula.' a
stell%tsd fracture OF the Uranium, and abrasion
OF the os frOatfs' Tim listened, sve-.trick.n
And when his wife .sked how the injured man
was Bad enough - said Tim, Bad enough
Inc docthers heaven be praised for larnn' have
towld me all about IT, He's dead man All
his Latin parts are wounded, and he won, live
foive minits !"
he walking fever has reached the following
point which may b. safely regarded as the crisis.
An amateur pedestrian makes the following Of
fer; Il will walk with amy e5ol-looking girl
who has fortuue In -g own right, upon any
given moonlight night both parties TO walk a.
So" .-sy please, and neither to hurry back TO
IL. -rl.n. point. | will then, on the word,
walk INFO h.r affections, and walk off with her
fortune
AT a sale of pictures in the Rue Dru.t, two am.
ateurs ob.tinately disputed the possession of G
beautiful picture by the celebrated Dutch Paint.
er Pottedari. which represented an ass. Each
bid against the other. At last one of the gentle
men raid, at is Of no use-I will NO. yield The
picture once belonged to my uncle, and I will
give anything for it "In that case" said his
adversary, 81 wlf not go on You .hsll have il,
as 1t IS family picture
y stad old quaker, contemplating improve
ments on his property, called his neighbors to-
gether one day, and gave them the following
timely warning: Il have a small piece Of ground
on which mean to build. There is fg-tree on
II which | must cut down. Several citizens have
hanged themselves on this tree and if any one of
you nave desire TO do the same, now give you
notice that You have not q moment TO lose"
GEzizS Exayzysuel
HARNESS, SADDLES, TRUNKS,