Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1868-05-08
From the Galaxy for May.
My Late Senatorial Secretaryship,
BY MARX TWAIN

=, Judged it best to resign. The way of Il
nc was this. My employer sent for me one
It morning tolerably early, and, as soon as
I'd had finished inserting some conundrums clan
!; destinely into his last great speech upon f.
nance, entered the presence. There was
ID something portentous in his appearance. His
a, crayat was united, his haIr was in a state of
n disorder, and his countenance bore about it
the signs OF suppressed storm He held
y package OF letters in his tense grasp, and
n knew that the dreaded Pacific mail was in.
- He said:
! " l thought you were worthy Of conf
d dence"
d | said - Yes sir.
d He said - gave You a letter from GER
tain of my constituents in the State of Neya-
da, asking the establishment of post Office
at Baldwin's Ranch, and told you to answer
s 1t, as ngeniously as you could. with argu-
ments which should persuade them that there
was no real necessity for an office at that
place" | felt easier :. Oh, if that's all.
sir, did do that"
f 4" Yes, you d,d. will read your answer,
for your own humiliation
WASHINGTON. Nov. 2i, 1867
".NesSTs. Smith, Jones and Others:
GENTLEMEN What the mischief do you
suppose you want with post Office at Baldwins
Ranch 1t would not do you any good. Ii any
letters came there, You couldn't read them YOU
know and. besides, such letters as ought to
pass through, with money in them, for other 10
calites, would not be likely to get through, you
must perceive at once and that would make |
trouble for Us all. No, don't bother about |
post office in your camp. have your best in
terests at heart, and feel that it would only be |
an ornamental folly. What you want is a nice
Jail, You know-a nice substantial iail and
free school. These will be lasting benefit To
you. These will make you really contentei and
happy. | will move in the matter at once
Very truly, etc,
MARK TWAIN,
'' For James ". Nye, L 5. Senator
&" That is the way you answered that let
ter. Those people say they will hang me- if
| ever enter that district again: and | am
! perfectly satisfied they ,r,H, too"
Wen sir, did not know | was doing
any harm. only wanted to convince them"
" Ah Wei, you did convince them. |
make no manner Of doubt Now. here is an
| other specimen. | gave You petition from
certain gentlemen Of Nevada, praying that
would get a bill through Congress inc1rpora-
ting the Methodist Episcopal Church Of the
State ofNcyada. told You say, in reply.
that the creation Of such a law came more
properly within the province of the State
Legislature and to cndcayor to show them
that, in the present ieebcness Of the religious
element in that new commonwealth. the cx-
pediency Of Incorporating the church was
questionable. What did you write?
WASHINGTON, Nov. 4, 1867
d" Rec. John Haiyar, and oher,
d" GEuMES You will have to 20 TO the
State Legislature about that little speculation Of
yours-COngress don't know anything about re
lgon. But don't you hurry TO 60 up there,
either because this thing you propose to do out
in that new country isn't eXpelient-in fact 1t
is simply ridiculous. Your religious people
there are too feeble, in intellect, in morality, in
piety-in everything, pretty much You had
better drop this-you can't make it work You \
can't issue stock on an incorporation like that
or if You could, it would only keep you in
trouble all the time. The other denominations
would abuse it, and - bear It, and d" sell it I
short" and break it down, They would DO
with it just a. they would with one Of your sll-
yer mines ont there-they would try to make all {
the world believe it was " wildcat You {
ought not to do anything that is calculated to (
bring a sacred thing into disrepute. You ought J
to be ashamed Of yourselves that is what
think about it You close your petition with !
the words - And We will ever pray" | 5
think you had better-you need to DO it.
very truly. etc.
- For James W Nye, U. 5. Senator
- That luminous epstle finishes me with a
the religious element among my constituents. |
But that my political murder might be made ;
sure, some evil instinct prompted me to hand {
you this memorial from the grave company Of J
elders composing the Board Of Aldermen of |
the city Of San Francisco. to try your hand /
upon-a memorial praying that the city's l
right to the water-lots upon the city front !
might be established by law Of Congress. ,,
told you this was dangerous matter 10 \
move in. ! told you to write non-commit- :
tai letter to the Aldermen-an ambiguous I
letter-a letter that should avoid, az far as \
possible, all real consideration and discus Y
sion of the water-lot question. If there Is
any feeling left in you-any shame-surely l
this letter you wrote, in obedience to that
order, ought to evoke it, when ts words fall
upon your cars
"wAsuNGToN, Nov -, 1867.
- The Hon. Board of .4ldermea, etc. =,
GENTLEMEN George Washington, the
revered Father of his Country, is dead. His
long and brilliant career is closed, alas forever
He was greatly respected in this section Of the
country, and his untimely decease cast gloom J
over the whole community. He died on the
l4th day of December, 1893. He passed peace
fully away from the scene of his honors and his
great achievements, the most lamentel hero and '
the best beloved that ever earth hath yielded c
unto Death. At such time as this, you speak
Of water-lots what lot was his c
& What is fame Fame is accide 1t Sir t
Isaac Newton discovered an apple falling to the q
ground trivial discovery, truly, and one
which million men had made before him-but ,
his parents were influential and so they tortur- !
ed that little circumstance into something Won :
derful, and, 10 the simple world took up the ;
shout, and in almost the twinkling of an eye,
the man was famous. Treasure these thoughts.
g Poesy, sweet poesy, who shall estimate what
the world owes to thee
g Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was
sure to go''
% Jack and Gill went up the hill
To draw pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Gill came tumbng after
For simplicity, elegance of diction, and freedom
from immoral tendencies, | regard these two
poems in the light of gems. They are suited to
all grades of intelligence, to every sphere OF life
to the field, to the nursery, to the guilds
peclaly snOuIu no Dodru Ol AIucIHtA W WIN
out them.
Venerable fossils write again Nothing
improves one so much as friendly correspond
ence. Write again-and if there is anything in
this memorial of yours that refers to anything
in particular, do not be backward about ex-
planning it. We shall always be happy to hear
you chirp. Very truly, ETC.,
MARK TWAIN,
''For James W. Nye, U. S. Senator
s.That is an atrocious, a ruinous epistle .
Distraction ~
"Well, sir, | am really sorryif there it
ANYTHING wrong about it-but-but-is ap-
pears to me to dodge the warter-lot ques-
ton"
Dodge the mischief! Oh-but never
mind. As long as destruction must come
now, let it be complete-let this of your per
formances, which | am about to read, make
fnality of it, / am a ruined man. had my
misgivings when gave you the letter from
Humboldt. asking that the post route from
Indian Gulch, Shakespeare Gap and interme-
date points, be changed partly to the old