Des Arc weekly citizen., 1868-10-20
THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS,
 An Assa on Long Bran oh.

I AA A0o@ VII A1VA9 A~> ~~.~ %.-s
 Long Branch iz work of natur, and iz good job.
 Itis summer resort for men, vim min and children, especially the latter Children are az plenty here, and az sweet az flowers in an outdoor gardin They play in the sand for work, and git their feet wet for fun.
 didn't see but one woman who waz dressed too ekonomical, and her dress waz plenty long enuff at the bottom, but the front side of her shoulders seemed tew lack something. 1 put up at the Continental Hotel, near the roof of the building, from choice.
 I kan say that this house is kept a good deal, without neutralizing my dignity, for paid the same price that the rest of the boarders did for my vittles.
 shall put up here agin when kum, 1 if I have tew straddle the ridge pole. Inever leave good hotel for bet ter one; learnt this fishing for frogs. If I'm where the frogs bite good, that's my puddle. I have known folks to swap good horse for a poor one. jist for the sake of S10 tew boot.
 My wife put up with me at the same hotel; it iz an old fashioned way we have of doing things. She always goes to fashionable re- sorts, where young widders arc enny- ways plenty, to put me on my guard, for I'm one of the eazyss critters on re- cord to be imposed upon.
 She has saved me (by the hair of the head) more than six times already, from being split by the widders. Shc iz an ornament tew her sex-my wife ie.
 would like tew see young widder, or cnny other man, get the start of me when my wife iz around. If jist step out sudden to git soder cocktail tcw cool my aching brow, my wife goes tew the end of the verandy with me, and waits for me, and if l go down onto the beech to astronomize jist little all alone by moonlite, she stands on the bluff like q beacon lite, tew warn me of the breakers. No man whoze feet are slippery, and who haint bin accidentally insured against recent widders, ought to be al- lowed on the Bench without wife who understands her bizz. The hotels now are phat with folks, swl ov whom ackt fust rate, except the pesky widders< and don't see enny- thing so very awful about them, but my wife dug, and she knoz.
 The biggest thing they have got here, for the present, is a pool ov water in front ov the hotel. This pool said by good judges tu be 5000 miles long and sum places miles thick.
 Into this pool, every day at 10 o'clock, the folks all retire, males, females and widders, promiskuss.
 They dress in fianhell attire, ov men, ny colors, and look cz nere alike, when they are in the pool, eza flock of ducks and drakes.
 The Grecian Crook is prevailing here just now among the young ladys. The bend seems to be sumwhere nere the small uv their backs, and gives them very intellectual look, the same az the anshcnt greeks had, altho think their walk resembles tew much sore footed goose.
 The turnouts are unkommen menny, and silk, four in hand, are frequent. had the espeshall honor ov being slung around the butiful avenews and through the queenly grounds on Mrs. Huoy bi four white footed sorrels, dressed in russet and white harness, and driven tew an elegant drag by their owner, Prof. Eastman of Po'kecpsie.
 set upon the back seat ez stiff ez a bridegroom, and evry boddy seemed tew hay their eyes close reefed on us
 The bands of musk in front of the different hotels played for us.
 must say felt little big.
 And it ain't to be wondered at, for hay bin much in the habit, ov late years, ov going afoot when rode.
 The scenery here iz grand, especially the pool, and the air is as bracing a' milk puntch.
 The tables are full uv vittles, and tho servants are az polite az dancing mas ters. I gave one ov them 50 cen shinplaster, and he opened and shut il front ov me for five minutes, az eazy a' a jak knife that had bin recently greased.
 l The last touch of civilization hal | finally reached Long Branch. Some enterprizing missionary has just opened q club house, where all kinds ov gam bling iz taught.
 l leave tomorrow at o'clock p. m
 CARpEr-BAGGER AND ScALAwAG.- I The Iuka Gazette thus defines the diff ference between a carpet-bagger and scalawap. It says: