Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-07-03
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nose, and the other knows the stops.
HAarELY CoLERlDGEonce beingasked which
Of Wordsworth's productions he considered
the prettiest very promptly replied: @His
daughter Dora.
A LEARNED coroner being asked how he ac-
counted for the great mortality this year, ex-
claimed. "I cannot tell; people seem to die
this year that never died before.
"PooR ok. General DebilitYln exclaimed
Mrs. Par tington, sit is surprising how long
he lives and what excitement he creates; the
papers are full Of remedies fer him."
A LITTLE boy seeing drunken man pros.
trate before the door Of a groggery, opened
the door, and putting in his head, said to the
proprietor. "See here, sir; your sign has
fallen down."
A CmcAGo paper says the women Of Utah
have recently altered the orthography Of their
creed. They now spell it Moremen instead
of Mormon.
A LADY wished seat in crowed ball.
A handsome gentleman brought her chair.
You are a jewel, said she. Oh, no lam
ieweller; Ibave just set the jewel"
PREFERENCES An unknown writer pre-
fers eggs of an hour old, fish Of ten, bread
ola day, wine of year, woman of eighteen,
and a friend Of thirty.
EVE is said to be the only woman who
never threatened to 60 and live with her
mother, and Adam, the first man who ever
went to housekeeping without FIRST trying to
board with his mother in law
DID you know, said cunning Gentle to
Jew that they hang Jews and jackasses
together in Portland? 'Indeed retorted
Solomon, eden it ish veil dat you and I ish
not dare.
'WHo is that pretty girl asked well
known Boston divine the other evening at
wedding That is Miss Glass, answered
friend Let the young man beware of such
an Intoxicating glass, was the quick response.
A YOUNG gentleman, visiting his intended,
! met rival who was somewhat advanced in
years, aud wishing to insult him inquired how
old be was.
4 can't exactly tell, replied the other,
''But can tell you that an ass is older at
/ twenty than man at sixty.
Mr.. FULLER, Methodist preacher, found
It necessary to exc out scanty living by sell
ling sermons. He called on a lady in parish
where he once labored. As he announced
his errand, the lady expressed her horror and
surprise. .Whati Mr.. Fuller, thought you
labored for souls, and not for money" Full
Ter replied: "a minister can't live on souls;
and if he could, he d soon depopulate such
region as thisl''
DocToR.-WelI, how did your wife manage
her shower bath, deacon? ?'' Deacon. 'She
had real good luck Madame Moody told her
how she managed. She had a large oiled
silk cap, with a cape to it, like fsherman's,
that came over her shoulder and head. ;"
| Doctor.-FShe's a fool for her pains. That's
not the way Deacon-''So my wife
thought" Doctor -''Your wife did nothing
Of the sort. 1 hope" Deacon.-"0h, no;
| she used an umbrella"
Az ELECTION JoKE.--A stolid Dutchman
was standing at certain place on election
day, inquiring for de regular Democratic
dicket, when a shrewd fellow stepped up and
supplied him with the genuine thing.
Well now, says Hans, vot viii does nit
him?'
Pat it in that box pointing to the ballot
box, said several voices.
But the cunning chap who had aceommo-
dated him with the 'dicket, whispered in his
ear, dom let them fool you; put it in your
pocket, it's yours; let them cheat you
out of your vote
And SO he did; ramming the ieket away
down to the bottom of deep pocket in his
coat, and walking off as mad as could be at
the rogues who wanted to cheat him out of
his vote.
WELL, Mr.. Snow, I want to ax you a ques,
tioR.'
'PrOpel it, den.
why am a grOg shop like counterfeit
dollar p
We'll, Ginger, gibs dat up.
Does you glib it up? Kase you can't pass
it,
Yah yah, aigger, you talk so much about
your counterfeit dollars, just succeed to de-
form why a counterfeit dollar is like an apple
pie p
%, I draps de subject, and don't know
nothin' bout it.
Kase it isn't current
| JANE, what letter in the alaphabet do you
like best ?"
''Well, dent like to say, Mr. Snobbs.
'Pooh, nonsense say right out. Which
do you like the best!"
"Wen, 4" putting her finger in her mouth
and dropping her head, II ike U best"
JIM SMITH was noted auctioneer. One
day he was selling farm stock. Among the
articles to be sold was heifer, very attractive
in her appearance, and consequently Jim
dwelt quite extensively on her many excelen-
cies, winding up his eloquent flourish that she
was as ''gentle as a dove" Thereupon, a
long, slab-sided eountryman: whose legs were
some twelve inches longer than his pants, ap-
preaching the heiter and stopping down COM
menced handling her teats. Bossy, not
reishing such familiarity, lifted her hoofs
and laid 'Greeny" sprawling some ten feet
off.
There, said "Jim, shat shows one Of
her best traits; she'll never allow a strange
calf to come near her ~
"Greeny'' meanwhile picked himself up,
and giving his bushy pate narrowing scratch
exclaimed ''No wonder she won't lohen her
oicn calf has been Jleating around her al day.
The GEOGRAPHY LESSON. in Ge-
ograpby stand up. How many divisions Of
the Earth are there ?''
"Seven."
"What are they?''
Europe, Asia, Africa, America, Long Di-
vision, Short Division, the division in the