Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-07-24
5gnnlnf1lla.

Why are the letters ''oz" like an advertise
ment? Because they are for announce meant.
We are advised to watch our tongues, but
unfortunately, they are located that we can
not see them.
NEVER buy goods of those who don't ad-
vertise. They sell SO little that they have to
sell dear
WOMAN, with all the faults l love thee
stal, was the reply Of husband to his scold-
ing wife.
The first anniversary of a second marriage
is known by the classic and elegant term of
shinplastsr ageaaing.
AN exchange says the easiest and best way
to expand the chest is to have a good large
heart in it. We quite agree with him.
"WELl, now, Mr.. Tree, if you're going to
leare, shall detain your trunk, said an in
censed landlord to a guest who was in arrears.
How to make your mark-Take a piece of
coal or charcoal; or, if these are not handy,
take big pencil.
A bachelor, according to the latest defni
ton, is man who has lost the opportunity Of
making woman miserable.
A CRITIC, speaking of Parepa's yocalism,
says eve hang upon every note ''This, -
says cotemporary, is a proof Of the lady's
| remarkable power of execution"
JEALOUS WIFE.-"What did that young
lady observe that passed US just now, VII
lamp CIyseying Husband d.-'Why, nv
love, she observed rather a good looking
man walking with an elderly female
A LADY in city in Western New York in
forms the public through a newspaper card
that sit gives her pleasure to acknowledge
the receipt of the amount of an accident
policy on the life of her husband who was
killed in late railroad disaster"
WHAT is your notion of the true physi-
clan ?' asked medical professor of stu
dent, to which the latter replied iHe is an
unfortunate gentleman who is every day call
ed upon to perform the miracle of reconciling
health with intemperance.
AT one of the hotels in Chicago the land
bermaid found hair pin in your bed this
morning" "Wen replied John, 'I found
long hair in the butter this morning, but it
did not prove that there was female in it,
The fellow was witty, says the Boston Bee,
who, at dinner "down East, lately gave the
following:
"Here's health to poverty; it sticks by US
when all friends forsake u.s.
''WHAT do you call this?" said Mr.. Jones
gently tapping his breakfast plate with his
fork. "Call it - snarled the landlady,
''What do you call it?' "Wel, really said
Jones. ~ don't know. There is not hair
enough in it for mortar, but there is entirely
toe much if it is intended for hash"
JUDGE JEFFRIEs, when on the bench, told
an old fellow with long beard, that he sup
posed he had conscience as long as his
beard. ''Does your lordsbip," replied the
old man, measure consciences by boards? If
so your lordship has none at all
a FRExcH woman once said that she never
loved anything ''You loved your children?"
suggested friend. "Whenthey were little. -
she replied "And you love diamond8?'
'When they are large" she replied.
QU1E, being asked by lady why there
were more women in the world than men re-
piled; SIT is in conformity with the other
arrangements Of Nature, madam; we always
see more of heaven than of earth. "
a GENTLEMAN on leaving hotel, where he
had been stopping several days, rewarded the
attention ofan obligng servant with a gratuity.
"Ah p said the grateful Pat, ''long may yo1sr
Honor IRE, and may Inakey your fires hereqf
terri
A "SPIRITED'' REPLY.-A poor fellow res
cued, half drowned, from river, was asked
to take some spirits and water. ''No, thank
you" replied he, 'Tll take the spirits
alone"
"WHEN IS Man NorA MAE?' Why be is
not himself when he's bed, when he's
awake, when he's blow in the nose, when
he's a comb in his hair, when he's pair in
bis nails, when he's pick in his teeth, when
he's wink in the eye, when he's a button,
in his clothes, when he's a swallow in his
hash, when he's scratch in his ear, and last
but not least when he's bolt in the door.
A GENTLEMAN was chiding his son for stay
ing out late of nigbts-or rather or early OF
next morning said; "Why, when / was
ofyour age, my father would not allow me to
60 out of the house after dark - ''Then you
had Ounce of a futher-you had, sneered
the young proaigate. Whereupon the father
very rashly yoeiferated: 81 had confound.
ed sight better'n than you have, young ras-
call"
, A CLERGYMAN in a neighborhood city,
catchizing the youth of his church, put a ques.
ton from catechism to girl:
'What is your consolation in life and
death ~ The girl smiled, but bid not an
swer. The clergyman insisted.
''Well," said she, ''sinceI must tell you,
it is young man that lives on Water street -
At training down east, after an order was
gived to 'return ramrods, one of the SOL
diers broke from the line, and was off at full
speed.
''HalloI" bawled the commanding officer,
''where are you going?'
"Down to- Squire Muggins, to return the
: : ramrod borrowed Of him. You said, ''re
! turn ramrods.p
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