Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-11-24
Lone Jacks.


A question that has never been answered yet.
Where's the police ?-Puach.
When was B the first letter in the alphabet :?
In the days of no A. (Noah.)
Arithmetic in wax works-reducing Wash
ington and Napoleon to figures.
It does not follow that man dislikes his bed
because he turns his back upon it.
stLet US have peace" as the fellow said when
he locked up his wife in the coal cellar.
When two gentlemen fight duel, each of
them is man after the others own heart.
A question for the horse guards-What is
the use of q seat of war to standing army?
Surely that man may be envied who can eat
pork chops for supper, and sleep without
zgrunt.
Next to twenty four grains there is nothing
like mean mans pocket to make penny
wait.
The most direct method of determining horse
poyer-stand behind and tickle his hind legs
with briar.
LOOK we'll before you leap" Very good
advice in its way, but how can sickly-looking
people follow it?
Veal is now called unfinished Beef lamb,
''incipent mutton;" and sucking pig, pre-
monitory pork.
An old lady hearing of pedestrians great
feat" wondered why they didn't interfere with
his fast walking.
Powerful Reasoning-Man is an animal, so
is a hog. 1t is a bad rule that won't work both
ways; therefore man is hog
civilian, if you go out in the street, I'll
whip YOU" But, mother if I let you whip
me now, may l go out afterwards?''
A great poet says that ''the mountains stand
fixed forever" We know, however, that it is
no uncommon thing for them to slope
An irritable man having been disappointed
in his boots, threatened to eat up the shoema-
ker, but compromised by drinking cobbler.
Isn't your bill awfully steep?'' inquired a
best, for it was run up by you, was the cool
reply.
AT a recent dinner of shoemakers, the fol-
lowing toast was given ''May we have all the
women in the country to shoe-and all the men
to boot"
Ar itinerant preacher, who rambled In his
sermons, when requested to stick to his text
replied that scattering shot would hit the
most birds.
An article announcing the decease of per-
son, says, His remains were committed to that
bourne whence no traveller returns attended by
his friends.
A student in the course Of examination, was
asked. PRAY, Mr.. T., how would you discov-
er a fool?' by the questions he would ask, y
said Mr.. E.
An incorrigible wag who lent minister a
Il. |. i
rider, thought he should have some credit for
his aid in spreading the gospel.
A booty fellow was observed the other day,
driving 'porker, holding on to his tail, and
when asked what he was doing, replied that he
was studying ge-hog-raphy.
Singular and Plural-If pair of stockings
are hose, is single stocking hoe? If pair
Of glasses are spectacles, is one a spectacle p
And if SO, is it not bad show for sight?
A New York ferry company has been made
to pay $500 for crushing lady's hand. A
great many have had to pay as much as that
annually, for life, for gently squeezing that fe-
male organ.
Some one, wishing to be witty on a gentle
man with a large mouth, asked him if he had
long lease of that mouth of his, when he was
good humoredly answered, NO. | have it only
from year to year.
A chap from the country, stopping at one of
our hotels sat down to dinner Upon the bill
of fare being handed him by the waiter, he re-
marked that he didn't care about readin now
he'd wait till after dinner.
A Quaker, travelling on one of Augustus bad
roads, a few days ago, and hearing man swear
at particularly bad piece Of road, said
Friend, am under the greatest obligation
to thee. / would myself have done what thou
hast done, but my religion forbids me. Don t
let my conscience, however, bride thee; give
thy Indignation wings, and suffer not the pref
udice of others to paralyze the tongue of jus
tice and long suffering verify"
How Dew You Dew ?-"Why, Uncle Dew
little, how dew you dew? How does Aunt An
ma dew, and what is she dewing now? Dew tell
US all the news. Come, dew sit up tew the ia.
Bile and dew as we dew; dew help yourself rls if
dew; and dew talk some, and dew not make
me dew all the talking, for [ shant dew it
Now, dew say something, dew. p"
"Oh, dew dry up, dew, said the old man ::
give me half chance to say something, dew u
Prime PHREsH PHIGs. We have been 81
phortunate as to phetch in a phew phresh phies,
which we warrant phlrst rate, and phancv will
sell phalrly, phreshly, and phinely to old and
young pholks, phrends or phoes, that are proud
of phrequently pheasting On such phodder and
phinding no phault They are, tru y, phirstrate
phruit, and would phil the eye of a Phrencb,
man or any other phoreigner They can be
phound phor sale phor a phew days at Phifer's s,
Phlrst phloor, phew pheet phrom phriend
Phrays phine phancy shop. Don't phail to
phetch a phriend, if you have any pheeings
phor phne phellow, and don't phorget to
phetch the phunds, and there is no pbear bnt
that you will pheast phinely.
Travelling Tricks.