Litchfield enquirer., 1868-07-02
From the Northern Menthly.J MY BURGLAR ALARMS.

before the HIStOricai SOclety, IS only one of the many antiquarian aud historical productions that have contributed to make his name deservedly famous.
 l am constrained, howevey to admit, that he has one weakness, anu that Is, an excessive faith in the Patent Office. Not only has he himself patented some twenty or more ingenious inventions sf no earthly value, but he reads the Scientific Inventor, and is perpetually buying every new and easily portable article, whose Invention he may have seen chronicled in hat journal Moreover, he never mees a frie4sl without straightway inficting upon him a minute description of the latsst article de- iarity has rendered his dlnneis grief and burden to his friends. I ask you as a reasonable man, can l, whel invited to dine with Perkins, be expected to enjoy his really excellent dinner, while he is ex- blaming the plan of new .,oot-jack, or an improved inkstand, and illustrating his subject with incomprehensiHe diagrams, constructed with supernumsrary knives empty the entire dish of radiahes, merely to use them in explaining new method of laying the Atlantic cable! -
 But Perkins has very little to do with my story, though perhaps be might prop erly be included among whit lawyers call res gestoe I will, therefore, endeavor to forget for the present what have suffered at his hands; and will proceed with the history of my burglar alafns.
 Last summer, my wife hecided that her health imperatively requi led that should take house in the county during the hot season. Of course did b. We rented little cottage near the cit, and at short distance from the railway in New Jersey, in point of fact-and wef so we'll pleased with it, that we determind to remain there during the winter. VI hen the summer had positively gone, and The frost had lock ed things up for safe kdping during his absence, we began to sedetly repent of our resolution, but still outwrdly asserted that we really enjoyed the q f1ntry in the win ter. After time, how'd fer, the novelty of being alternately snowq up and thawed out again, so that it Hs impossible for days to drive to the raiFay station, either because the deep drifts bad rendered the roads impossible, or because a sudden change in the weather lad converted the whole country into wamp, fathomless with yellow mud, begat to pail upon us. As we had but few nghbors, and those were for the most pal incomprehensible Dutchmen, we found fl too, little lone some at times. In fad the lonesomeness of the place so weighE upon my spirits, that one day accepta with pleasure an invitation to dine witt Perkins, and actu- ally found myself l1oksn -.s.1a115t ut DeI- light to .'.cn PefKTns and h1s latest pat m~.
 I forgot to mention, I believe, that he is m old bachelor. The idea of Perkins be- ng married is quite preposterous. He would harrass his wife to death in less than year, by patenting new Improvements in ,orsets, and new ideas for waterfall cush- ions, and obliging her to wear the results ried, of course he did not invite my wife; see that she felt annoyed that was go- ing.to dine without her. Remember, dear, |" were her parting words, what you prom ised me about the champagne, and come back to night if you can, for I am so afraid of burglars"
 We dined at Delmonico's, and hence it is not necessary to state that the dinner was excellent; especially as the quality of with the narrative. I will say, however,
  and rather fear forgot my promise to es. (Query.-To what extent is prom ones wife, mean-binding)
 We were sitting over our walnuts, and discussing some port, which Perkins said ly, when it occurred to me that I was froo rft principled manner in leaving her alone and a prey to burglars. I mentioned the fact to my friend, and was starting up to get my hat, when he told me it was half past nine, ard the last train by which l could reach my family had started an hour ago. So sat down again, and we drank my wife's health. Then we drank each others health, and then the health of women in general, concerning whom re- collect rising and making speech so elo- quent and pathetic that it moved me to tears. 2"
 By and by, again reverting to the sub- ject of my wife, and her fear of burglars, Perkins prodncalleUne cy1ls so.-~Lis a,nck- ea1 relied revolver, with perc,qssion caps al ready attached to the tubes. "There, said he, " is an invention that is perfectly invaluable. You put this over your door, SO illustrating with the castors); robber opens the door, and it falls and explodes; you wake up and shoot him-and there you are! It's the best burglar-alarm ever invented. Get a few of them, my boy, ,and your wife won't be afraid to be left alone; and we'll dine together three times week, old fellow, by love.
 ? I took it and examined 1t carefully, for it really seemed to be meriprious affair. As I was handling it with great care, It somehow slipped through myEngers, and, striking my plate, it exploded with loud report, besides breaking th plate into countless pieces. Four waters immedl-
 ately rushed in to see what wa the matter, supposing that one of us had,ttempted to
 murder the other. The mattr was finally
 explained to them, though nd before the
 passage outside the door was tmmed with l inquisitive fellows, who wee evidently
 greatly disappointed at 6ndag no dead
 body upon which to feast the, eyes. one
 of them said pretty loudly, ad in tone
 of great disgust s'These draken fellows
 never hurt themselves; more she pity. . 1t
 struck me-, on hearing this lmark, that Perkins was a little intoxicate and that !!
 had better see him home at dce. l sald
 as much to the walters, whowarmly ap- plauded my design, and heln me to as- sist Perkins into the street.
 Cautiously enough, rermber little | IL n. -ANg