Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-06-26

market At Sl per pouhus L
"Millions for defence" as the Aft
rican shouted when chased by mad
shaiL k&#kif
Y Let your expenses be such "a I'd
leave balance in Your pocket
Ready moiiey As o friend in need. !
at am passionately fond of paint
ing,n as q young man said when he
kissed the reaged cheek of his sweet
heart. EM
1 A literary friend was overheard
the other day requesting bis land
; lady to pat clean proofsheets on his
bed.
"Patrick, do you know the fate of
the drunkard? 20 Faith, don't /
..ane q. TIE spossta beautiful l pairy0a
IT say, Bill; Jim's got scragged for
stealing ahorse." "Safve him right;
why didn't he b,iyItdsie,i md not pay
for ftslike any other gentleman"
When thou art obliged to speak, be
sure to tell the truth; for equivoca-
tion Is half way to lying, and lying
il the whoieato hell.-- IVitiidm Penn.
A clergyman who performed n
marriage in church, is said to have
read the hymn for tire choir, begin
ing with the words, .Mistaken souls,
who dream of Heaven"
A cross old bachelor says ''the rea-
son why women do not cut them
selves I'm two by tight lacing is be-
cause they lace around The heart, and
that is SO hard they cannot affect IL. -
A man telling about a wonderful
parrot hanging in q cageg from the
window Of house which he often
passed, said, it cries "stop thief" SO
naturally, that every time / hear it,
i always stop! =
2IA credulous man said to wag who
had a wooden leg, "How came you
to have o wooden leg? "why," an-
swered the wag, "my father had one,
and so had my grandfather. Itruns
in the blood. y ~ ~
If there Is bigger fool in the uni
verse than another, 1t is the man
WHO tries to serve God and, Mammon,
or the oman who tries TO be a Demo-
crat and Republican. The thing
can't be did. A go-between is des-
pissed by both parties.
Ignorance Is q blank sheet on which
we may write; but error is scrib-
bled one from which we must first
erase. Ignorance has no light, but
error follows false one. The conse-
3suence is, tllat error has further TO go
before she can arrive at truth than
ignorance.
A drunken man, while staggering
homeward, fell in the street, and, be-
ing unable to rise, soon fell into q
dose. He was aroused by hearing
the bells ringing for fire. "Ten,
eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen," cried he, "well, If that ism {
later than / ever knew it before!" q
"My Brothers," said good old
backwoods preacher, tim gwine to
preach you plane sarment, that even
wimmen can understand. You can
find my text in the five verse of the
two-eyed chapter of one-eyed john"
1t was sometime before it was dis
covered that he meant 1st John,
Chapter 2.
A mathematician being asked by q
stout. fellow, ''If two pigs weigh
twenty pounds, how much will a
large hog weigh?n
Jump into the scales,n was the
reply, 'and I'll tell you in MIN
The mathematician had him there.
a French actress, more celebrated
for her beauty and frankness than
for her intelligence and her virtue,
was i'm the habit OF attributing her
inconsistency to her bad luck. 1.-THE
moment become really attached to
anybody she used to say. II am
certain to be introduced to somebody
else whom / like better.n
A greenhorn being about to be
married resolved to make himself
perfect I'm the responses of the SER
vice, but by mistake got by heart the
"office of baptism for ripper years, |"
so when asked in church Twill thou
have this woman, &c. abe answered
II renoupce them all.n The clergy
manlsaid. II think you are o fool"
TO which he replied, Fall tbs -stead-
lastly believe
The following advertisement ap-
peared i'm an Illinois paper:
''Strade or stole frum the scriber l
white sheep he wer. lame In the A
shoulder which was black and haffit's
body. She belong two NEE wen he
lef. Every body shall half b dollars
to fetch i'm.
p@vNoaty Beany-Two awi hoom
IL ma konsern:-Hee wer Shee.
Goat wen he left"
A wet-weather Joke from New
Hampshire: "Rebert Batchelder, of
Salisbury, has flock of twenty-eight
sheep, which, during the winter, he
housed i'm o place where their wool
became filled with hay seed. They
have been out in pasture for several
weeks past, and the excessive wet
weather has caused the seed to sprout,
aud they are now bearing about with
them Q crop Of grass two inches in
lergth.n III aos ffitE
Brown, on his frst Journey per
driver, beside whom he sat, with in
everything on the road. At last he
kOt lie sAuiCluS1 Illus. 1NttSf- n
'sThere's. a woman been lying i'm that
houAe more than a month, and they
havn't buried her yet" Brotoa-
"Not buried her yet! pray, tell me
why not ?n Driuer-"Because she
isn't dead.n
UNCOMFORTABLE SUSPENSION
The Plo,tgtnda is responsible for the
following: "a man in Beckett, the
other day, hitched his oxen to the
buttof a1odged tree and freed it from
its first rest TO fall into the fork of
another tree, where tile top overbal-
anced and jerked the other end twen-
ty feet high carrying tbe-oxen with
II. To relieve them from choaking,
he with q fifteen foot pole managed
to see-saw the top SO that fheirshfnd
feet could occasionally touch. the
sground, and continued so doing for
four hours before aid arrived to climb
mp aAd release the tree. The oxen
were saved. IA
A Yankee riding on railroad was
disposed to astonish the other pas
sengers with tough stories. At last
he mentioned that one of his neigh.
bors owned an immense dairy, and
made million pounds of butter and
q million pounds of cheese yearly.
The Yankee, perceiying that his We
racity was In danger of being ques-
toned. appealed to a friend:
STrue. isn't il. Mr.. 80? 7 sneak