Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1868-06-17
MARK TWAIN ON FEMALE SUE
FRAGE.

MARK Twain" writes to his 'sCousil
! Jennie" on the subject of g Female Suf
trage,' as follows
There is one insuperabIe obstacle in tht
way OF female suffrage, Jennie; | ap
proach the subject with fear and trembling
out 1t must out. A woman would never
vote, because she would have to tell hel
age a. the polls. And even if she did dare
, TO vote once or twice when she was Just
OF age, you know what dire results would
TOW from putting this and that together
IN after times. For instance, in an un-
guarded moment, Miss A. says she voted
Tor Mr. Smith. Her auditor, who knows
that 1t has been seven years since Smith
ran for anything, easily ciphers out that
she is at least seven years over age, instead
OF the young puppet she has been making
herself out to be. No, Jennie, this new
fashion of registering the name, age, res
ldence and occupation of every voter is a
fatal bar to female suffrage.
Woman will never be permitted to vote
or hold office, Jennie, and it is luckey
thing for me, and for many other men,
that such is the decree of fate. Because,
you see, there are some few measures they
would all unite on-there are one or two
measures sthat would bring out their
entire voting strength ID spite of their
antipathy to making themselves conspi-
ciOus and there being vastly more
women than men in this State, they would
trot those mearures through the Legila-
ture with a velocity that would be appal-
ling. For instance they would enact:
L. That all men should be at home by
ten p. m., without fail.
2. That married men should bestow
considerable attention on their own wives.
). That it should be a hanging offence
to sell whisky in saloons, and that fine and
should follow drinking
1t IN such places.
4. That smoking of cigars to excess
should be forbidden, and the smoking of
pipes utterly abolished.
5. That the wife should have little of
her own property when she married man
who hadn't any.
Jennie, such tyranny as this we could
never stand. Our free soils could never
endure such degrading thraldom. Women,
80 your way Seek not 20 beguile us of
our imperial privileges. Content yourself
with your little feminine trifes-your
babies, your benevolent societies, and
your kniting-and let your natural bosses
do the voting. Stand back-you will be
waiting to 90 to war next. We will let
you teach school as much as you want to,
and we will pay you half wages for it, too,
but beware! We don't want you to crowd
us too much
If get time, Cousin Jenne, I will fur
nlsh you picture ola female Legislature
that will distress you-I know it will, be-
cause you cannot disguise from me the
tact that you are no more in favor Of fe-
male suffrage, really, than [ am.
MARK TWAIN.
z. S. That tiresome old goose, my wife,
is prancing around like a lunatic, up
STAIRS, rehearsing a speech in favor of fe-
male suffrage, which she is to deliver be-
fore mass-meeting Of seditious old maids
in my back parlor tonight (She is
vigorous speaker, but you can smell her
eloquence further than you can hear it;
1t Is on account of the gin, think It is
pity those old skeletons have chosen my
back parlor, because [ have concluded to
touch off keg of powder under there to-
night, and [ am afraid the noise may dis
turb their deliberations some. NIT.