The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1868-02-19

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Concerning Skating "A Curtain Lecture to
Mrs. Mark Twain.
Oh, 60 to sleep, you old fool r
Mr.. Twain, ! am surprised and grieved
to-"
Don't interrupt me, woman! ] tell you
it's absurd you learn to skate! You'll be
wanting to play fairy in the Black Crook
next. tell you skating is an accomplish
ment suited only to youth and comliness of
face and symmetry of figure. Nothing is SO
charming as to see a beautiful girl, in the CO.
quettish costume Of the Kinks, with cheeks ro-
81 with exertion and eyes beaming with ex-
citement: skimming the ice like a bird, and
swooping down upon a group Of gentlemen
and pretending she cant stop herself, and
landing in the arms Of the very young man
her father don't allow her to know--and dart
ing away again and falling on her head and
exposing herself xposing herself to remarks
about her carelessness, madam-hold your
tongue-and always taking care to fall when
that young man is close by to pick her up
Il is charming 5s.
aThey look pretty and interesting. too,
when they are just learning when they stand
still long time in one place, and then start
one foot gingerly, and it makes break for
the other side of the pond and leaves the bal
ance Of the girl sprawling on this side. But
youyo look fat and awkward and dismal
enough any time, and when you are on skates
you waddle off as stufy and stupid and I'M
calmly as buzzard that's had halfa horse
for dinner. | won't have it, madam. And
you get under little precarious head away
and then put your feet together and drift
along, STOPPING your head and shoulders and
holding your arms out like you expected =
church was going to fall on you; it aggrayates
the life out Of me! And Tuesday, when was
ass enough to get on skates myself, and kicked
the Irish giants eye out the first, dash, and
| lit on my head and cracked the ice SO that it
looked like the sun with all its rays had
dropped where struck, and then fined me
ninety-two dollars for running the mans pond,
| was terrified with the conviction that had
gone through to the inside Of the world, be-
cause saw the parallels Of latitude glimmer-
ing all around me; and what was it but you,
| in your awkwardness, fetching up over me
with your filters" on? You've got to discard
those things. I can't stand the pew-rent, and
| won't"
| Mr.. Twain, l am sure"
Hold you clatter. ] tell you, you sham
bring odium upon the family by your dis
graceful attempts to skate, sprawling around
with your big feet, like a ;cow blowing her
way down hill in slippery weather. Maybe
you wouldn't be SO handy about displaying
those feet Of yours if you knew what occurred
when / took your shoes down to be mended.
| "What was it? Tell me what it was-tell
me what it was this minute. just know it's
one Of your lies"
sob, don't mind it amt Of any conse-
quence-go to Sleep"
But it is of consequence. You've got to
tell me; you shan't aggravate me in this way
| won't gosto sleep until you tell me what it
was" Is
Cob, it wasn't anything"
" Mr.. Twain, know better. You're just
doing this to drive me to distraction What
did that shoemaker say about my shoes What
did he do? Quick =
"Well, if you must know, he-he-he-
however, it's of no consequence"
"Mr. Twain.''
Well, he-he took it and gazed upon it a
long time in silence, and put his handkerchief
to his eyes and burst into tears"
Why, you born fool! Twain, are you go
ing stark, staring crazy 2"
He just stood there and wept as if his
heart would break, poor devil! There now
let's go to sleep"
Sleep, you lunatic-! Tllnever close my
eyes till know what that idiot was crying
| about-and you won't either, can tell you
that. Come"
"Oh, it don't NATTER
:" Mr.. Twain, if you say that again, say
I'll make you sorry for it; what twas that
numbskull crying about?"
"Well. he-he-"
"W-e-l-l, he. Out with it! Do you want
me- toto, Twain. I'll snatch them pei
fringcs off till the side of your head is as bale
as the top of it."
ssWell, he-poor fcllow-he said he dotee
on her. She had nursed him, you know, be
cause his mother was feeble, and So. Well
he came to this country fifteen years ago. and
first he set up in the vegetable line, and go
| along pretty well, and was about to send tt
England for the oldolady, when hard time.
came and he got broke. Hewent into frui
then, and after that into milk-into all sorts
Of things you know; but he got disappointed
every time till this present business fetched
him out at last all right, and he sent righ
of for the old woman. She landed here foul
weeks ago, but died the very same night. i
was hard, very hard, after all his waiting ane
toiling for fifteen years, to get her over hert
at last and have her die on his hands He
newell he was disguised. However, he laie
her out, and he and his friends sat up witt
her, and by and by the memory Of her virtue.
softened his bitterness and turned it to ten
j der grief-a settled melancholy that huns
about his spirits like pail for many days
However, by patiently striving to keep sac
thoughts out Of his mind, he was finally be
i ginning to regain some little of his old tim,
cheerfulness, when your shoe reminded hin
SO painfully Of his poor sainted grandmother
coffin"
"Take that, you brute, and if you dare t
come back here I IL kick you out again Yol
] degraded old rufian =
/ A young man " no was about jumping from
a train while in motion, was deferred by re
lporter who asked for his name, age business
and residence for an obituary notice.