Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1868-03-18
a}GtsfEllang.
A Curtain Lecture Concerning Skating

"Ou! 90 to sleep you old fool !"
Mr.. Twain, am surprised and griev-
ed to"
Don't interrupt me, woman! I
tell you its absurd-you learn toyskateI
You'll be wanting to play fry in the
{" Black Crook next [ IAESsl you ska
ting is an accomplishment suited only to
youth and grace an Accomplishment suit
ed only to youth nd grace and comeli-
ness of face t"rd symmetry of figure
Nothing is 81 charming as to sec q beau
tiful girl in the coquettish costume of
the rinks, with rosy cheeks with ex-
ertion, and eyes beaming with excit-
ment, skimming the ice like bird-and
swOooping down upon groupe of gen
tlemen, and pretending she can't stop
herself, and landing in the arms of the
very young man her father don't allow
her to knoW-and darting away again,
and falling on her head, and exposing
herself to remark about her carelessness
Madam-hold your tongue land al
ways taking care to fall when the young
man il close by to pick her up. It is
charming! They look pretty and in
teresting, too, when they are just learn
ing when they stand still long time in
one place, and then start one foot out
lingerly, and it makes 4 break for the
other side of the pond and leaves the
balance of the girl spraWling on this
side. But you! You look fat and awk-
ward and dismal enough at any time
but when you are on skates you waddle
off as stiff and stupid and ungainly as 4
buzzard that's had half horse for din
ncr. I won't have it, Madam! And
you get under little precarious head
way and taken put your feet together
and drift along, stopping your head and
shoulders and holding your arms out like
you expected a church was going to fall
on you; it aggravates the life out of
me And Tuesday, when I was ass
enough to get on skates myself, and kick
the Irish Giants eye out the first dash
and lit on my head and cracked the ice
50 that it looked like the sun with all
its rays had dropped where I struck,
and they fined me ninety-twO dollars for
running the mans pond, l was terrified
with the conviction that I had gone
through to the inside Of the other world,
because I saw the parallels of latitude
glimmering all around me and what
was it but you in your aTkwardness,
fetching up over me with your confound-
ed filters on? You've got to discard
those things. can't stand the pew
rent, and I Won t"
" Mr. Twain, I am surp--"
Hold your clatter l tell you, you
shan't bring odium upon the family by
your disgracefuI attempts to skate
sprawling around with your big feet
like a COW prowling her way down hill
in slippery weather. May be you would
Mt be so handy about displaying those
feet of yours if you knew what occurred
when I took your shoes down to get
mended.
"What was it? Tell me what it was;
tell me what it was this minutel l Just
know it's one Of your Gesu'
ooh don't mind, it amt Of any con
sequence 50 to sleep"
''But it is Of consequence You're
just doing tins to try to drive me to dis
traction. What did that shoemaker saw
about my shoe? What did be do 7?
Quick
Well, if you must know, be-he-
however its Of no consequence.
" Mr yTwaiH ~ ~-
( Well, -he-he tookits and -Eazed upon
u a long tilnein silence, and put his
hsndkercs his eyes and burst into
tears.
Why, goa Born fool Twain are you
going s!aEing crazy -