The Shasta courier., 1868-12-12
SHASTA COURIER.
HORACE GREELEY.
Mark Twain,s Humorous Description
of Him.

Greeley gets up at three o'clock in the
morning; for it is'one of his favorite maxlms
that only early rising can keep the health IN
impaired and the brain Vigorous lie then
wakes up all the Household and assemblies
them in the library, By candle light, and,
after quoting the beautiful lines
Early to bed and early to rise
Makes man hearty, wealthy AMI wise'
he arno;nts each individuals task for the
dav. sets him at ID with encouraging words,
and goes back to bed again. mention here,
in no fault finding spirit, but with the 'deter-
ence Justly due man who IS older anu wiser
and worthier then l. that he snores awfuliy.
In moment of irritation once, was rash
enough to say | never would sleep with him
until he broke himself off this unfortunate
habit. havet kept my word with bigoted
and unwayering determination.
At half past eleven O'Clock Greeley rises
again. He shaves himself. lie considers that
there is great virtue and economy in shaving
himself. lie does it with a dull razor, some
times hummng part of tune Che knows a
part of a tune, and takes an innocent delight
in regarding it as the first half of Old Hun
dred but parties familiar with that hymn
have felt obliged TO confess that they could
not recognize it, and, therefore, the noise he
makes is doubtless an unconscious original
composition of Greeley's). and sometimes,
when the razor is especially dull, he accom-
panies himself with formula like this -
Damn the damned razor and the damned
outcast who made It'll. &c. sA
Hethen goes out into his model garden and
applies his vast store of agricultural knowl-
edge to the amelioration of his cabbages !;
after which he writes an able agricultural
article for the instruction Of American farm
ers, his soul cheered the while with the re-
Election that if cabbages were worth D apiece
his model farm would pay.
He next goes to breakfast, which is a
frugal. absteinious meal with him, and con-
sisls of nothing but just such things as the
market affprds-nothing more. lie drinks
nothing but water-nothing whatever but
water, aud coffee, and tea, and Scotch ale,
an1 lager beer, and lemonade with fly in it
sometimes a house fly and sometimes
horse fy-according to the amount OF Inspi-
ration required 10 warm him up to his daily
duties. During breakfast be reads the Fri
bune all through, and enjoys the satisfaction
of knowing that all the brilliant things in it,
written by Young, and Cooke, aud Hazard
and mysef,F are attributed to him by con-
fiding and internal public. r.
After breakfast be writes short editorial,
thus -. which is the same as if he put
H. G. after it, and takes a savage pleasure
in rejecting that none of us understrappers
can use that dash. except in profane conver-
sation, when chatting over the outrage. He
writes this editorial in his own handwriting.
He does it because he is so vain of his pen
manship. He always did take an inordinate
pride in his penmanship. He hired out tonce,
in bis ssyoungl days, as a writing master, but
the enterprise failed. The pupils could not
translate his remarks with any certainty
His first copy was, Virtue is its own re
ward. ;, aud they got it., :. Washing with
soap is wholly absurd, and so the Trustees
discharged him FOR attempting to convey bad
morals, through the medium of worse pen
mauship But, as { was saying he writes
his morning editorial Then he tries to read
it over, and can't do it, and 50 sends it to the
printers, and they try to read it aud can tdo
it and so they set it up at random, as you
may say, putting in what words they can
make out, and when they, get aground on a
longlword they putin . treconstruetion, sor
universal suffrage and spar off and pad
die ahead, and next morning If the degraded
public can tell Whit it is all about they say
IL. c. wrote it !; and if they can't they say
it is one of those imbecie understrappers
that is tae end of it.
On Sundays Greeley sits in prominent
pew in Chapin's Church, and lets on that he
is asleep, and the congregation regards it as
an eecentricity of genius.
When De is going to appear in public, Gree
lev spends two hours on his toilet. lie is
the most pains-taking ard elaborate man
about getting up his dress that lives in Amer
lea. This is his chiefest and peasantest
foible. He puts on his old white overcoat,
and then turns up the collar, He puts on a
soiled shirt, saved from the wash, and leaves
one end of the collar unbuttoned. lie puts
on his most dilapi1ated hat, turns it wrong
side before cants ii on to the back of his
head, and jams an extra dent in the side Of
it. He puts on his most atrocious boots. and
spends fifteen minutes tuckIng the left leg
of his pants into his boot top in what shall
seem the most careless and unstudied way.
But his cravat-it is into the arrangement of
his cravat that he throws all his soul, all the
the powers of his great mind After fixing
att for forty minutes before the glass it Is
perfect-it is askew every way-it overhows
his coat collar on one side and sinks into
ablivion on the other-it climbs and it delves
around about the neck-the knot is c)nspicu-
ously displayed under his left ear, and it
stretches one of its long ends straight out
norlzontally, and the other goes alter his
eyes, in the good old Toodles fashion-and
then, completely and marvelously appareled,
Greeley strides forth, rolling like a sailor, a
miracle of astounding costumery. the awe
and wonder of the nations
But havn't time to tell the rest of his pr
vate habits. Suffice it that he is an upright
and honest nan "a practical. great Drained
mana useful man to his nation and his gen
eration-a famous man. who has justly earn
ed his celebrity-and.with the worstd dress
ed man in this or any other country, even
though he does take so laundering much
plains and put on so many frills about it,
JFilkes' Spira Of the Times.