Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-12-22
Roman Candles.

No feather-bed soldier-One who ''reposes
on his laurels.
Why is an old hummer like an umbrella? Be-
cause he is used up.
Who were the first astronomers The stars,
for they first studded the heavens.
In becoming the lion of party does man
necessarily make beast of himself?
What is that which we often see ladies make
but never see after it is done A courtesy.
A Western editor has got such cold in his
head that the water freezes on it when he wash
es it.
Lynching is now described as "a man kick
ing at the United Staes from the end OF tight
rope.
Sauib thinks that the tune, when the morn
ing stars sang together, must have been COM
mon meteor
Ideas says Voltaire, ''are like Boards
Men only get them when they grow up, and
women never have any.
A boarding-school miss, being unwell, deem
ed it vulgar to say that she was Bilious" so
she complained of being 'William-ousI o!
The man who showed his grit was in the
sand paper line. The man who was caught
mapping is supposed to have been halter.
Wife-"But, my dear, I shall catch cold
coming down SO late to let you in" Husband.
"Oh, no my love, I'll rap you up we'll before
you come down.
An old lady in Ohio, while in the woods, was
bitten on the end of her nose by rattle snake.
The old lady recovered but the snake died
poisoned by snuff
''My dear sir, said candidate, accosting a
sturdy wag on the day of election, Il am very
glad to see you 'You needn't be-Tve vo-
ted exclaimed the wag.
The latest definition of spade is 'that agri-
cultural implement of inventive genius admi-
rably adapted for revolving the superintendent
mould of the tellurian humus.
Young Lady-"Oh! I'm SO glad you like
Old Squab-"Well, think the goose, with
plenty of stufing is about as good as any,.
There is town in Ohio where the people
have lived so long on pork that they are begin
ming to contract some of its habits. When a
neighbor dies, they lay him out as they do a
hog with corn-cob in his mouth.
A plowman became enamored of milkmaid
on neighboring farm. His addresses were re-
iected. and the disappointed swain, full OF mel
ancholy and revenge, procured rope, went to
the barn, and-tied all the cows tails together.
A lady who had refused an awkward but
wealthy sutton, said to friend as he passed,
"Look at him Could you marry him even if
he had a carriage and horses?" ''No, indeed, "
replied the other, mot if he kept livery sta
be-
A gentleman who owns country seat nearly
lost his wife, who fell into river which flows
through his estate. He announced the narrow
escape to his friends, expecting their congratu-
lations One of them, an old bachelor, wrote,
Il always told you that river was too shallow. +"
''Can you tell me the road to Greenvile, ask
ed traveller of boy whom he met on the
road. Eyes, sir, said the boy ''Do you see
ourbarn down there?" Eyes, i" says he. GO
to that About three hundred yards beyond
the barn you will find lane. Take that lane
and follow along about mile and halt. Then
you will come to slipperyelm log. You be
mighty keerful stranger about going on that
log-you may get into the branch-and then
you 60 on up until you get to the brow of the
hill, and there the roads prevaricate and you
take the left hand road, and keep that until
you get into big plum thicket; and when you
get there, why hen-then-then-" ''What
then?'' Then, stranger, I'll be burned if you
amt lost