Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-08-07
ItlnpfQllG.
WHr is love like canal boat? Because it
is an internal transport.


tween milk and water? Pumpkin.
WHEN we're the first sweetmeats made?
When Noah preserved pairs in the ark.
WHEN is a girl not girl2 When she is
little sulky.
WHEN is bed not bed2 When it is a
little buggy.
Way is making honey like whipping?-Be
cause it is bee-labOring business.
Why are book.keepers like chickens?-Be-
cause they have to scratch for living.
Is the business of paper declared quite sta
tionary?
WHEN is q cat like teapot? When you're
teasin' it.
The Essay on Mana woman's attempt
to marry him.
Az architectural incHnation-The leaning
tower at Pisa.
The most cruel revenge is the di8dain Of
possible vengeance.
SMITH found dollar the other day in an
alley. He calls It ali-mony.
TnE right man in the right place--a hus-
band at home in the evening.
The miner is happiest when his "triumphs
are ore."
WHAT sort of sickle do harvesters long
for in midsummer? I.siekles
WHEN may a loaf of bread said to be inhab-
tied? When it has a little Indian in it.
The latest physiological question is How
much sawdust does it take to make ballet
girl?
WHo can doubt the wiekedness of ballet
girls when they live by executing their grand
pas?
A WESTERN editor in one Of his papers says:
'For the effects of intemperance, see our in
side,n
THE hog may not be thoroughly posted in
arithmetic, but when you come to square root
he is there-the hog is.
TnE song Of the repentant husband, after
knocking his wife down-'Come rest on this
bosom, my own stricken dear"
A WEALTHY Widow, advertising for an
agent, was overwhelmed with applications.
The printer made it "a gent"
WHEN does captain of vessel commit
self mutilation? When he goes on shore and
leaves his hands on board.
WHAT proof have we that there was sewing
in the time of David? We read that he was
hsmmed il on every side.
JOSH BILLINGS says he never viii patron.
ize lottery so long as he can hire anybody
else to rob him at reasonable wages.
WHAT is the difference between a girl and
night cap? One is born to wed, the other is a
worn to bed.
FAsTIDIoUs person on car to German, smo-
king: "Here, sir, I'll make you a present of
a good cigar" Grateful Goth: ''Yah! ferry
good cigar; I schmokes him after mine sup.
per-"
AN OLD LADY announced in court, at At
lanta, that she chad no council p that "God
was her lawyer" "My dear madam" re-
piled the Judge, ''He does not practice in
this court
TnE people of England were all ready to
set up an imposing memorial stone for the
great African explorer; but he turns out to
be Livingstone himself, and viii not trouble
them.
LADIES generally shop in couples, When
lady has any money to spend, she dearly
loves taking friend with her to see her
spend it.
THE feast of imagination is as follows
"When your stomach is empty and your
pocket ditto, sit down and read cookery
book"
WY are corn and potatoes like the idols
of old ? Because the former have ears and
hear not, and the latter have eyes and see
not.
AN exchange contends that, notwithstan-
ding the popular prejudice in favor of the in
nocence of the fair sex, while the present
style ofhead dress continues in vogue, their
gilt is very manifest.
CITIZEN has procured from Paris door
mat made OF steel wire, with the word "Salrs'
(welcomel wrought in the centre. 4 visiter,
overcome by curiosity, innocently asked what
kind of salve he manufactured and advertised
on his door mat.
A YOUNG gentleman, visiting his intended,
met a rival who was somewhat advanced in
years, and wishing to insult him, inquired
how old he was.
81 can't exactly tell, replied the other,
shut can tell you that an ass is older at
twenty than man at sixty"
A Young lady--a sensible girl-giyes the
following catalogue of different kinds Of love:
''The sweetest, a mothers love; the longest
brothers love; the strongest, woman's
love; the dearest, mans love; aud the
sweetest, longest, strongest, dearest, love,
love of bonnet
A TRAVELLER stopping at a western hotel ex-
claimed one morning to the waiter, ''what are
you about, you black rascal? You have
reused me twice from my sleep by telling me
breakfast is ready, and now you are attempt.
ing to strip off the bed clothes" "Why, re-
piled Pompey. ''If you isn't gwine to get up
l must have de sheet anyhow, cause dey am
waiting for de table-etof."
TIE PRIYTER's LITANY.-From want of
gold, from wives that scold, from maidens
old, by sharpers SOLD, preserve US.
From fathers sneers, mock auctioneers,
and women's fears-delivcr US.
From singing flies, coal black eyes, and
babies cries-protect us.
From sunny coats, protested notes, and
leaky boots-exeept US.
From creaking doors, wife that snores,
and all such bores-defend u.s.
HAND BOOK OF POLITICS FOR 1861
IL READY IN JULY.-Speeially adapted for
nsn In the nnninn 2rasidentinl narnnairn MiII