Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-01-17
NUMBER AZ.


Things Wise Il Otherwise.
Truth is q stranger, except Id fiction.
How to learn to aihg--ge an achlng
tooth.
How to xiii time--shoot every
day.
# has bteR hsesrtained That the inah
who "held on the last,p was shoeina-
ker. AIN
Brigham Young is said TO conduct his
establishments on the principle of small
prophets.
"Ma, II you will give me an apple I
will be good "No, my child, you
must not be good for pay, you inhst be
good for nothing"
The height OF pbiitness IL passing
around upon the Opposite side of q
lady, when walking with her lii order
not To step upon her shadow.
SouEn. --.,Your idea that frogs grow
more bobtailed as they grow oltler,n
says Josh Billings to correspondent,
"is too cussed good to be lost
"Will you take some grapes. mon
sieur?n asked n gentleman OF n Frencl.
man. "No sare.n he replied, IL don't
swallow mig Vine In fe shape bf pills.
To cure scandal--Take of good ma
ture, of the herb, mind your own busi-
ness, mix with q little charity for 9TH
ers, and keep a quiet tongue In your
head.
Miss Anna Dickinson has one hum
dred and sixty two lecture uppbiiit-
ments to fill, now on her hobks, and
declined more than three hundred in
vitntiUns.
Wtliiatii Cullen Bryant Is writing
three poems for the New York ledger,
for which Mr.. Bonner pays him three
thousand dollars. This Is the largest
sum ever paid to q poet.
Black hair is to succeed golden, n
raid IL to be made by the agents of the
hair dressers of Paris among the long
silky haired tribes of the South Amer
lean Indians to supply the anticipated
demand.
A young lady said to her beau, "a
she held n pot of hot water In her
hand: Promise to marry me or lie
scald you.n "Throw the water" he
replied, II had rather he scalded once
than every day In my life."
The London 1thannani says OF Mr..
Beecher's novel: 'The present work
shows that n man may be fluent
preacher, and d brother of a clever
wofiian, hnd break down when HE 10.
tempts to write a novel;
e az cau't speak IN public; iiesef donG
siich thing In ali my life, saidBa
chap the other night In public meet
ing, who had beeh called, upon to hold
forth; but If anybody will speak for
me, III hold his hat"
Breachy steers may be cured of
the bad habit by cutting off their
eyelashes Of the upper lids. The eff
feet Is the same as sending Samson to
the barber. The authority for this
statement 10 Samuel Th6rffe, tire great
breeder go ~ E
One OF the most original of fjuvenil6
inventions was that OF little Fanny,
who, instead of saying her prayers Mt
bed, and raising her eyes To heaven
said: 30, Lord here are the letters
FIX them TO suit Yourself
A sentimental editor says: TT Is
comforting to know that the eye
watches fnndly for our coming, and
looks brighter when we come. A
contemporary is ptltttd 10 learn that
his brother of the quill hus q wife
with one eye. 4ttH
Il SAY boy, In there anything to shoot
around herer inquired sportsman Of
q boy he met. Well replied the boy,
nothing just about here, but our
schoolmaster, is over the hill there cut
ting birch f6ds, s5ti might walk up
and pop him over
A c,iuntry editor, who has visited
/ New York, says: New York Is her.
culean, oblong, municipal bladder,
stuffed with feverish sensuality, nerv-
Gus energy, crap-eyed shrewdness,
spasmodic dts of piety and paraiytic
strokes OF abstraetion."
A Dutchman was relating his tiiary.
elous escape from drowning, when
thirteen OF his companions were lost
by tile upsetting OF boat when ho
aiotie was saved! ''&nd how did you
escape ~ asked one Of his lieardrs. III
| It'd not go In the bote," was the dutch
mans placid reply. 2
i "A Chaplain In Arkansas says that
man buying furs was converslng with
q woman, at whose house he called, End
asked her ii there was any presbyter-
ians around there. She hesitated for a
i "Her husband hadn't killed any since
they'd lived there
1 A little boz on the train for King
ston, recently, said, Mister, the loco
motive is lover of the weed, isn't II?
Can't say. Why do you ask my little.
man? Because II smokes and chewsy'
Very well. 1 see it smokes, bws how
about the chewing? rDidnrc you no.
. sxns ha fstaf hnf, l..ft
Didn't it chew, chew, to go ahead, and
4 then chew to back her. ~
| The genealogy Of the Tudor family,
reirf1rksa witty Fremhman, Is very
remarkable. One of the family, wiIen
Noah was In hts ark. solicited permiss-
ion TO enter, but as the ark was full, his
I request was refused. flake my gene
aiogy at any rate, !" cried the man, who
threw it into the ark, and then slid
from the plank on which he had been
floating and died happy.
do you keep three. cent postage
amherss % fot Once. ssna The other =. aaya ae
4 Receiving an Affirmative reply lie ask.
ed innocently; "How do you sell
them? ?' '1Fhree cents q pisce,p was
the answer. "You make q discount,
s'pose, when you uscftnqnantity ~ "No
sir. "Why, down fn' Woonsecket,
where come FROM" said the fellow
persnasiysly, they sell nine for q
quarterp'
| A Nevada reporter has discovered a
place In the wedding line. He says !:
\ I'VE noticed yesterday d new practice
In the marriage business, and we ratsf-
\ er like IL. All the gentlemen present
kiss the bride, aud all the ladies kiss
the bridegroom, after which all the
ladies aud gentlemen kiss each other.