Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-08-25

o Il N
The cattle plague-FGes.

The cattle plague-Flies.
A sweet planet-the honeymoon.
A ouack doctors duck of physician.
Do our domestic poultry enjoy foul weather?
The man who pegged away returned home on
foot
The best seats at some of our theatres-the
receipts.
The beggars avocation-preying for his dali
ly bread.
Old port is much sought after, but not half
as much as Newport.
Is it the lynx only that can be found along
the chain of the Pyrenese?
A young lady desires to know if Eight hour
Bills" are the same as Sweet Williams.
In Western town, where labor movements
have been frequent, capitalists will not own
clocks, because they "strike' too often.
A married couple have recently been discov
cred in Chicago who have actually been living
together for ten years, and never applied for a
divorce!
An incorrigible loafer, being taken to task for
his laziness, replied, II tell you gentlemen
YOU are mistaken, | have not lazy bone in my
body, but the fact is, was born tired. a"
Cure for love-hide in closet half dozen
times and listen to the conversation which takes
place between couple who have been married
one year, while they think themselves entirely
alone.
''Patrick, can you read the name on the shop
Just opposite, for me?" asked a near-sighted
young lady. ''Sure miss, replied Pat, ut is
as Ignorant as yourself [ am They nivir taught
me to rade either. 1re
A rich japanese, whose income is put at the
fabulous sum of &c, 1000, 900 is said to be coming
to Paris for wife, The Boston Post says =
"What blessing if we could only get him
here-and tax him |"
A Western paper cruelty says: ''Our mem
Der of Congress has madea great speech-one
Of his very best 1t was written for him by a
graduate of this Office, and the matter and de-
livery do credit to both parties.
A rural contemporary, in an obituary notice
of friend, says: "He was all that those who
knew him best could wish. He left behind him
blessed memory and seven thousand dollars
in Government bonds, Pathetic and pecuni-
airy.
An eloquent orator proposes to grasp ray
Of light from the great orb of day, spin it into
threads of gold and with them weave shroud
in which to wrap the whirlwind which dies up
on the bosom Of our Western praries.' We
fear the machinery will break before the fabric
is through the loom.
wonder what makes papa tell such nice sto-
rles, said a youngster, about him hiding the
schoolmaster's rattan, when he went to school,
about his running away from the school mis-
tress when she was going to whip him, then he
shut me all day in the dark room because tried
just once to be as smart as he was
An Ohio school girl went through her calas-
thenic exercises at home for the amusement Of
the children: A youthfubvisitor, with interest
and pity On her countenance. asked her broth
er eff that gal had fits r. mo, replied the lad
contemporary, "them's gymnastics "Oh,
It's hey" said verdant, how long has she had
EN- % are t>
An enterprising undertaken in Illinois sent
the following expressively cool note to sick
man: Dear sir, having positive proof that you
are rapidly approaching deaths gate, [ have
therefore thought it not imprudent to call your
attention to the enclosed advertisement of my
abundant supply of ready made collins, and de-
sire to make the suggestion that you signify to
your friends wish for the purchase of your
burial outfit at my establishment
Afriend ofours has two boys, aged respective
ly SIX and eight years. The younger was par
taking largely of the good things Of this life at
the dinner table Immediately on their return
from Sabbath School The elder after eyeing
his brother for some time, said, Charlie. #
you were to eat much more, and it shonld kill
you, you would weigh SO much that the angels
could not carry you to heaven" Little six year
old hesltated for moment, and then, looking
up replied, well, if they couldn't do it alone,
God would send Sampson down to help them. y
A gentleman, on a visit to Washington. one
day very coolly opened the Senate Chamber
door, and was about to pass in, when the door
keeper asked:
Are you a privileged member?'
What do you mean by that p asked the
stranger
"A governor, an ex-member of Congress, or
foreign minister, was the reply.
The stranger replied that he was minister.
=. From what court or country ?" asked the
Very gravey pointing up: "From heaven,
10 this the door-keeper very waggishly re-.
marked .-e.'F,
Ibis government at present holds no inter-
course with that foreign power''
Jim Smith was noted auctioneer. One day
ne was selling farm stock. Among the articles
to be sold was heifer, very attractive. and con.
sequenty jim dwelt quite extensively on her
many eXcelencies, winding nm his eloonent