The New Orleans crescent. [volume] (New Orleans, La.) 1866-1869, 1868-05-24
The josh BIlliug. Papers.
JOSH rErE-A.rErrs WITH SCHOOL xARx

Ny Dear Miss Jsrushy stel bins ESQ:
Yure lengthy and hyscintine letter srrove yes
terday by the O'Clock mail, and tho thare wal
much into IL that waz way sbuv my edukashun
still could every now and then ferret out sum oV
the commonest Nv it. The idees want so new as
have seen, but seldum have cum acrost, in my
travels, emmy longer words, or more oy EN-, har.
messed together.
1t must be very hsppee tew hsv so mulch left
ov language, such a hux ov balmy and sweet
scented paragraphs sutch slipperee undulashuns
in the way ov cadence, sich heaven believed
pauzes, with exklamashun pints az thick az the
pins on q boiling alley.
1t must have kOst yu quarts nv midnite kero
sene lie tew hav sed 80 much that waz small, in
dictionary that glitters like new tin roof, smiled
upon by the morning glance of aurora.
But few, alas how few ever grab this gorge
GUS power, which seems tew be az natral tew yu
az a peakOck's tail in full bloom.
! envy yu Miss Stebbins, but envy IL mi best
gate. never kan trot up to yure style and reach
the ETHEREAL top which you roost on, and perforate
the respondent sublimitys ov the kOnkave skey.
wuZ bilt for muddy going. yu might az well ask
an elephant tew climb creased liberty pole, tail
fust, and deliver 4th of july orashun on the top
ov il tew the listening churubs in the attik world
Miss Jerushs Stebbens, il yu would only turn
yuTe genius into poetry for weeks, yu would
hesve bubble skies evry time. l would bet mi
last surviving dollar that Tennyson, the british
potter, would snuff out bis tallow dip in despair,
would turn oph hiz gass in agony, and would hux
u
creased rag in the fiery furnace Of Shsdrak.
LongfelOw would turn into thin ghost, and
walk the midnite earth in brogans.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, esq, would take soil
tary drink and die az dead az the concluding para
graph ov an unorthordox sermin.
Whittier, the gentle and sainted Quaker, would
burn his poems at the stake, and take up job at
ditchiDg.
Dickens, the immortal Charles, would buy an.
other breastpin, and go calmly and naturally,
Wit n n hs
jewelry business.
Old Homer the dead giant of stauza, whose
lions skin the poetic asses OF later times have
galloped and gambOled under, and whose writings
are the 10 commandments OF poezy, which poets
have ever since tried to keep by stealing them.
Yea the old patriark and proprietor Of Parnassus
would kick oph hiz deth letters, and gathering up
biz scattered bones, would run out ov eternity to
welcome you, Jerush and probably insist upon
having you within the holy grip ov wedlock.
These things are solemn fax, my dear girl, and
don't be afrade tew let them sink into yu, for il
yu only noe yourself for or conseckutiv week
yu are actually poet, with smoke-stacks; yu
kant be held without wired bit, yu kant be hid
long emmy how; an oyster mite as well attempt to
hide in hiz SHE'LL or the 10 Ov clubs TO change her
spots.
And now, Miss Stebbns, let me drop a few
words ov advice touching the best way tew git
yourself in a condition for the coming dte.
Let the first thing yu do in the morning be to
rise arly, soak yure feet often, drink yung hysOn
tea raw, abstain from aWl animal food, espeshily
old cheese, never yu mind what they say about
cheeze being good for lively imsginsshun, there
amt mite ov truth in it;) eat eggs, humming
BIRDS won't hurt IN heleast; eat one day on an
empty stommuk; travel around the lot loose with
out any waterfall; don't drink emmy alcohol, gin
and jamaka rum IL only good for beginners in
male poetry; studdy Webster's dictionary un-
abridged put IL under yure pillow at night set on
il thru the day, eat oph from it, work the fly
leaves ov il up into curl papers; after you hav got
it all bi hart bile Webster in potash kettle for II
hours and drink up the juice.
This will make you poetess, lovelyest thing on
this EARTH solace tew man. fust class mother,
the best housekeeper between here and the village
ov Dunkirk; yer will be as smable as buttered
toast; yer hart will be as warm and stretchy as
yarn stocking; yure dress as tidy as violet;
yure hair always parted exackly on the equator;
yure face as fair and as free from wrinkles and
care as q morning rose.
P. s.--Jerushs, mi lovely school nom, ov
summers, il
yer should fail to be poetess by and by, after all
that human nstur and Billings has done for you
thsre amt no poetry in the diktionarys, words fail
to DO the bizness, the souls of dandylions and the
kissing perfume of the languid holysnk, the LIQUID
love dalliance, that Gums like O nektrous vspor
from the brest ov the song bird. pillowed among
the leaves of the damask rose, when at the
birth OF twilight he woos his coy sweetheart from
the shady shadows ov the sylvan shade, are aul,
the whole pleing ov them, dead beats, and amt
worth 10 cents pound TO work up into poetry.
1t is barely possible that poetry may be made
ont ov ideas, and that words are mere gentlemen
ushers, who bekum Ridiculous just as soon as they
git above or below their biziness. and it is also
barely possible, but hardly probable, that there
are crate menny now maxim themselfs very
skanty kiverlid ov glory by mixing up poetry, who
might make themselfs respectable and beloved
by cultivatng the small mental patch that heaven
has rented tew them with white beans, or some
other plain but nutritious sass.