The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1868-05-02
FACETIE.

What gentleman can, with any sense
ofpropriety, ask fat lady TO lea" on his
arm.
An editor out West has been elected
town constable, and now arrests the at
tention of his readers.
The more woman's waist is shaped
like an hour glass the quicker will the
sands of her life run out.
81 am going to draw this bow into a
knot" young lady said when stand
ing at the hymeneal altar.
One of our cotenIporaries says the
White Fawn is not a grizzly bear, and
an exchange adds: "Well, we will
yield the grizzly, but never the bare"
A Young lady being asked to waltz,
gave the following sensible and apprO-
pirate answer: mo, thank you, sir, |
have hugging enough at home"
An eccentric clergyman lately said in
one of his sermons that about the
commonest proof that we have that man
is made of clay, is the brick so often
fonnd in his hat"
The fellow who thought be cOuld
easily put his arm around Boston Neck
was probably intoxicated. He would
have to borrow an arm of the sc4to &C
complish the feat.
A country editor says of cotempOra-
nv: "The caption Editorial COrrespOn
dence' over the letters of Mr.. - is
misnomerd and Editorial CorrespOn-
dence' is more appropriate and sug-
gestive."
"Nothing can be done well that is
done in hurry" oracularly declared a
certain pompous politician one day
lately. "How about catching ileas !"
asked a wag ut his elbow. The politi
clan was lOored.
When Voltairc was told that friend
of his was studying to become physl-
clan, be exclaimed: "Why will he be
so mad He will have to thrust drugs,
of which he knows little, into body
of which he knows less"
AGerman tin and iron worker once
rendered a bill 10 captain for "Ein
Scheidruns of Jibe." The captain
puzzled long over the item, and so did
bis agent. Who would ever imagine
that the worthy Teuton considered that
very PLAN way of spelling zone sheet
of iron stove pipe"
A little girl on hearing her mother say
that she intended 10 go 10 ball, and
have her dress trimmed with "buglGs,"
innocently inquired if the buSles would
blow up while she danced. "Oh, no."
said the mother, "your father will do
that when he discovers l have bought
them"
"What air woman's spear :" asked a
woman's rights of literal old codgcr,
and then answered himSef-"it air the
domestic hearth, sir" The old cHdger
scratched his head moment, and then
said, "But if her house is heated with
furnaces, and.she Amt got no hearth,
what air her spear theni 7"
what is the reason yOu 20 so slow
over the plank read, driver?' said y
traveller in Ohio to o stage drivST. The
horses wouldn't 60 faster if l were to
whip them all the time" replied the
know the plank road is only six miles
long, and they want to spin il ont as
long as they can"
In the Missouri Legislature, recently,
Q member from st. Louisa German aud
q lawyer-in the course OF his remarks
opposing certain bill before the HOuse,
thrilled his audience by asserting that
the proposed measure involved the same
element of tyranny (which induced the
people of Boston to throw the tea from
the decks of the MayllOwer into the
waters of Massachusetts Bay \ bit of
history thus served up is always pleas.
ant variety in dreary waste of facts.
"Buy any butter here :" said cOun-
try customer, who walked into dry
goods store in a Western city. mo, sir,
we don't wish to buy any," replied the
merchant. "Want any eggs ?" "No,
sir, we keep q dry goods store" $50 :.
Well then, may be you'd like to buy
some fat chickens fat as pigs, and a
mighty sight nicer, tew." "No, sir,
tell you we don't deal in anything bur
dry goods" Couldn't ! sell you nice
fat shoulder of pork :" II tell you, sir,
we deal in dry goods exclusively"
"Wa'al, wbat'll You give for dried APP
pies ?" Zee.
A good story is told of Dr.. Shelton
Mackenzie. The doctor accompanied
some tair ladies to the Navy Yard. The
day was fine, but dusty; he was eio-
quently describing on ferry-boat the
beauty of the surrounding scenery,
when puff of wind gently lifted his hat
off his head and carried it like bird
tapping its wings, up the river.
Good hesvensw cried the doctor,
"there's a poor fellows hat, in the air.
Well, that's a joke always laugh at"
The roar of laughter which greeted him
all round, and the direction all eyes
took to his head, Induced him to put his
hand there. "By the powers" quoth, he
''it's my hatp But his native wit re-
turning, he said, as saw it plump itself
into the waters of the East river:
THAT'S tine TO nature; beaver al
ways takes to the water"