davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
TUNKHANN0CK, WYOMING CO., Pa WEDNESDAY
THINGS A MAN CAN'T DO.

"Jennie T. Hazen, in the Cbicagoan,
says there are some things man can't do
as follows
Some women in a sudden burst Of in
genuousness, has acknowledged that there
are some things which a woman can't do
and expresses uubounded admiration for
the man who do these things so deftly.
Well, what if they can do two or three
things better than a woman? | for one
am not going into ecstacies over them, nor
will | make standing exclamation point
OF myself because they can do up bun
die and carry an umbrella.
Woman can do hundred things that
they can't but they never think of making
fuss over it,
One thing a man can't do is to own up
frankly that he can't do everything better
than a woman can. Another thing he
can't do is, to carry the baby, I've
tried them and know. You Just take
one-a baby mean and do it up" in
blankets and shawls, all snug and nice, and
give it to Joseph to carry; and while yon
are putting on your sacque and hat just
keep your eye on the baby, and you will
see an ominous squirming in the bundle,
aud hear certain half smothered but to
you we'll understood-S0unds. Upon inves-
tigation you will find the baby very red
in the face, and its heels where its head
ought to be. You take it and shake it up
little, give it a soft pat here and there,
and restore it to him right side up"
VIII he acknowledge it was his fault
will he confess that he didn't know how
to carry that baby not bit of 1t. He
will insist that you gave it to him wrong
side up, or that it was the proper mode of
carrying baby.
Thirdly, as our parson used to say,
about the time that he ought to lave said
seventeenthly and lastly he can't
hook up d lady s dress; at least he couldn't
years ago when ladies wore them hooked
up in the back There was three or four
hooks and eyes that | couldn't reach, and
times without number I've called upon
my John to hook them. The good
clumsy fellow would tumble away with
fingers that were all thumbs, while he
grew red in the face with his efforts to
make the plagued things hitch, giving
it up at last with, " Hang the things =
Why don't you have buttons as we do! "
Let me think! What else is there he
can't do? He cant make tatting, or
crochet he can't wear crinoline, nor man
age two yards of trail; he cant wear
:" love of bonnet, or balmoral boot
and last and best of all he cant say ''no ,"
to an offer of marriage and that's the
bIgesedest privilege we woman have.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
HOW GOOD TEMPLARS INITIATE
CANDIDATES.

The following must have been written by
chap who got tight on lager without
knowing it would intoxicate. 1t refers to
a lodge of Good TcmpIars. 1t is a graphic
description of an "iniliation ceremony" as
the writer understands it.
In the first place, the victim for initia-
tion is blindfolded, bound hands and feet
and thrown into cadron of boiling hot
rain water, and boiled for five minutes.
This is done for the purpose of clearing
his system of "oid drunk, He is then ia
ken out of the caldron, and by mean of a
force-pump gorged with clssern water, af-
ter which sealing plaster is put over his
mouth, and be is rolled in barrel four or
five times across the room.
The choir at the same time singing the
cold water song. -
He is now taken out Of the barrel, and
hung up by the heels till the water runs
out through his ears.
He is then cut down, and beautiful
Young lady hands him glass of cistern
water.
A cold-water bath is then furnished
him, after which he is showered with els
termed water.
He is then made to read the water works
act ten times, drinking glass of cistern
water between each reading.
After which the ''old oaken bucket is
hung around bis neck, and fifteen sisters
with squirt-guns deluge him with cistern
water.
He is then forced to eat peck of snow
while the brothers stick his ears full Of ice
cles.
He is then run through clothes -wringer,
after which he Is handed glass Of cistern
water by beautiful young lady.
He is then gorged again with cistern wa
ter, his boots filed with the same, aud he is
laid away in a.rcfrigerator.
The initiation is now almost concluded
After remaining in the refrigerator for
the space of half an hour, he is taken out
and given glass of cistern water, run
through the clothes Yringer again, and be
comes a Good Templar.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
ROMANCE OF s RING.

The following story of infatuated love
for sprangled knight of the sawdust ring
is told by western paper:
Some time since lovely and highly
educated daughter of clergyman in Al
bany, New York, disappeared from her
home, and no trace Of her could be found.
4 friend of the family at Quincy, Illinois,
when Yankee Robinson's circus was ex-
hrbiting there, discovered the girl in the
ballet troupe of the ciacus, going through
the eyoIutions of p" Undine.' The gen
tleman Immediately telegraphed to the
girls father, who came on, aud met the
circus in another town, and found his
daughter was really there. He discover
ed also, that the girl, who had been at
boarding school, had become infatuated
with :insel OF the circus-ring rider, had
eloped with him upon tbs stage for liv-
in. The father met the daughter and
entreated her to leave the troupe and 90
home with him, promising that all should
be forgiven. The girl readily consented
if her husband could go with her, but one
OF the provisions was that she should leave
him. This she refused to do. prcferring
To cling to her husband and the stage
rather then to enjoy the comforts OF a
home at Albany. The distress of the
father was not sufficient to overcome his
prtjudices against the husband, and as
the tears and enlreaties were unavailing,
he was forced to leave his daughter in the
exciting life she had chosen, and return
sorrowfulIy home Mr.. Robinson pictur-
ed TO the girl the vicissitude of the life
she was leading, and advised her to fol-
low the advice of her father, but she per-
sistently refused, declaring that nothing
would iaduse her to desert ber husband
She is described as a girl of striking beau
ty, not yet twenty years of age, very mod
est in her demeanor, but completely full
of the romance of life, and infatuated by
the cheap dazzle of the ling. Her hus-
band is young man of sober and indus
trious habits and an excellent performer
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
The Deserter Act.

The Supreme Court of Pennsylvania
has delivered an opinion declaring the de-
serter act to be unconstitutional. The
Court say that the act of 1866, could not
disfranchise a citizen who had not been
tried and convicted OF desertion, and that
the refusal to receive the vote of one who
had failed to report, was Illegal.
This decision settles the deserter act
Thus one by one, the contrivances of the
Radicals to prevent free ballot, are brush
ed away by the Supreme Court, and the
rights of the citizen vindlcated.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

THE Flow OF LAvA.-Baynard Taylor
ways imagined thick, sluggish stream,
with a tolersbly smooth surface, some
thing like the flow of melting furnace -
but here were moving mounds, rough and
shapeless, the chief power of which lay in
their base hidden from sight-strange
creeping, mining forces, moving forward
with a horrible, pitileSs certainty in their
locomotion, If the scene was less grand
in its features than one would expect, it
was at least diabolically impressive. 1t
expressed only destruction, and that of
the most cold -blooded, deliberate kind
The main stream had raised a ridge some
twenty feet in height, apparently cold on
the surface, until some squirming move
ment in advance shook off the crust in
scales, and showed the fangs and throat of
the intensest fire. The front of this ridge
was constantly hurling masses, some of
them downthe gorge. The nearer stream
was not more than four feet in height, and
allowed US to approach near enough TO
poke it with a stick. All along the
edge, boys were busy roasting eggs for
travellers, or embedding coins in the fluid
lava, which they snatched ont of the mass
and twisted off, very much as have seen
children manage molasses candy. The
heat, even at hundred yards distance,
was uncomfortable, and could not stand
beside the moving lava for more than a
few seconds at tlme."
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
"INJUNS ABOUT

A Texan correspondent of the New Or
leans Picdyune, tells good story in one
of his letters, g surl y-faced, grizzly hair
ed, cuffy and moon-eyed chap, who per-
secuted a certain roguish damsel with his
attentions, but was finally thrown off the
course of true love, by the following Iuse /:
1t being the watermelon season. and
Betty's fsther having fire supply, all the
youngsters for miles around, assembled
there on the holiday. to feast on melons.
G. was prominent in the circle, till the
afternoon. Betty held private interviews
with the other young men, and arranged
that G. should be decoyed from the house,
and frightened by the cry of indians
from some of his comrades, which was
thought would wound his pride and drive
him away.
Five young men with G. walked out
A bathe in the river, three hundred
yards distant, was proposed by one, and
seconded by several. Of course poor &,
was " in"
They went down to the ford, near the
melon patch, and began undressing. In
the meantime eight or ten others, with
guns, had gone down under cover Of the
bank, and secreted Themselves along the
path, from the bathing place to the house.
Now, bows, /" said one "who shall be
the first to dive in that ere pool Z"
I'll says &. ;" amt first with the
gals 2"
Off went pants, coats, shoes &C. Just
as G. had dotted everything, barring a
long fanGel shirt-bang bang! bang
Who-wo-yehl Bang went two. three,
four guns-loud and shrill went the Indi-
an yell in the dease brush, and now under
the bank,
90, Lord am dead man, boys !"
said James Simpson.
My leg is broken. o, save me -
cried George Williams.
"Run for life men, Run-for mercy
sake run !" cried Jack Parsons.
"One Of my eyes is out " all being
said in an instant.
Do you see that red blaze along the
path Look moment-what velocity
That Jagged hair all straightened behind
that's G a streaking it for the house,
shirt and all. See him about the corner
of the field, by the thicket. Bang-bang
went half dozen pieces; louder than
ever, rose the hideous war cry.
40, Lord !" shouted c., redoubling his
speed-the red blaze getting larger
punches of his bushy hair dropping out as
he "spread himself See him leap tn,
yard fence-high in the air-red shirt
and all.
The porch was full of ladies-of went
two OF three more pieces. c. glanced at
the ladies then at his short red shirt.
Run for your life, c., screamed
Betty : the house is full of Indians
Fathers dead and brother Sam is wound
ed. Run. speed "
In twinkling of an eye c. was out of
the yard a; and supposing the premises sur
rounded, off he shot, the red blaze more
brilliant than ever, and striking directly
into thucket, thorny bottom, he reached
and swan the river and although it was
near sunset, C.. got into a settlement fifty
miles distant, to breakfast next morning
still retaining the sleeves and collar of his
red shirt, aud reporting all the family
visitors, &C., among the slain. As for
himself, he said he fought as long as fight
ing would do any good.
1t is unnecessary to inform you dear
reader, whether or not Betty was troub-
led with =. after that snap.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

Don't BE A LOBSTER Your lobster,
when left high and dry among the rocks
has not sense and energy enough to work
his way back to the sea. but waits for the
sea to come to him. If it does not come,
he remains where he is and dies, although
the slightest exertion would enable him
to reach the waves which are, perhaps
tossing and tumbling within a yard of
him There is a tide in human affairs
that cast men into tight Places" and
leaves them there, like standard Holsters.
If they choose to be where the breakers
have flung them, expecting some grand
billow to take them on its shoulder and
carry them back to smooth water, the
chances are that their hopes will never
be realized. Nor is it right they should
be. The social element ought not to be
expected to help him who makes no effort
to helf himself.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

DURING the four years of President
Polk S administration, which included the
Mexican war, the expenses Of the War De-
partment were 800, ,54O,789. The expenses
of that same Department for the year end
ing the lst OF July, 1868, the third year of
peace, are Sl2S,655,494, Or over $4,000,
600 more during one year of peace than
they mere during four years of Democratic
rule with the Mexican war on their hands.
Is there any wonder that the cost of living
remains at an oppressive figure to the me-
chanics and laboring classes ofthc country
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
Sidewalk Etiquette.

Only villagers, or persons with rural ideas,
any longer contend that ladies' shall always
be given the inside of the pavement in pas
sing. The rule adopted in all cities is to
turn to the right wether the right leads to
the wall or gutter, and an observance of
this common sense rule would obviate much
unpleasant crowding by over gallant gen
tlemen who persistently crowd for the out
side of the walk Another common custom
not required even by fashionable eti-
quette, and one which is nearly as unex-
plainable and absurd as the practice of a
whole string of men filing out of church
pew, making themselves as ridiculous as
an awkward squad practicing at "catch
step" in order to give woman the wrong
end Of pew---is that of a man when at
promenade walk with lady, to keep him
self On the outside of the pavement. A
little exercise of judgement will convince
any person of the utter uselessness of this
bobbing back aud forth at every corner.
The common rule is this = ''If man and
woman are walking together, sne should
always be at bis right arm, whether it be
toward the inside or outside of the walk,
then the woman will not,get showed against
the passers.--Er
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

IMPoRTANT.-Tha people wish to know
of the majority in Congress whether the
enormous amount taken from the Treas :
ury to support the Freedmen's Bureau
vas for the purpose of bettering the con-
dition of the niggers. or to erect them
into political machine to be controlled
for partisan interests only? The people
want to know of these Radicals why the
army costs $9O,O0O,OO0 last years., 900
a man-and why they are asked to ele-
vate the head of that army to the Presi-
dency? They want to know why the Ex-
ecutive has been stripped Of all his con-
stitutional power?
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

HEALTHY CLIMATE..-Dan Marble was
once strolIng along the wharves of Boston,
when be met tail, gaunt looking figure, a
"diggers" from California, and got int con
verSation with him.
Healthy climate, Isuppose ?"
"IIealtby! 1t amt anything else. Why,
stranger. there you can choose any climate
you like, hot or cold, that too without trav.
elm more than fifteen minutes. Jest
think O that the next cold mornin' when
YOU get out o bed. There's a mountain
there, the Sary Navady they call it, with
valley on each side of it, one hot and one
cold. Well, get on the top Of that noun
tain with doublebarrel gun, and you can,
without movin, kill either summer or win
ter game, jest as you wish ~
"What! have you tried it -
''Iricd it often; and should have done
pretty well, bat for one thing 2"
"WelI, what was that?'
81 wanted dog that wonld stand both
climates The last dog had froze his
off while pinlin' on the summer side. lie
didn't get entirely out of the winter side
you see-true as you live.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

rB@A witness in court who had been
cautioned to give precise answer to ev-
cry question, and not to talk about what
he mi ght think the question meant' was
Intercepted as follows:
"You drive a wagon ?"
"No, sir, do not"
"Why man DID you not tell my learned
friend so this moment?"
"No. sir, did not,
"Now, sir, | put it to You On your oath,
do you not drive wagon Z"
"No, sir"
"What is your occupation, then ?"
81 drive @ borse, sir"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
THE JUDGE, THE DETECTIVE, AND
THE SILVER TEAPOT.

Mr.. Justice Mullen, of the Supreme
Conrt of New York, is distinguished for
great simplicity of manner and superior
abilities as Judge. The exIgencies ju-
dicial business frequently demanded his
presence il this district. On a recent Wis
it he brought with him valuable silver
tea pot needing little repair, and requiring
nicer manipulation than was obtainable al
his rural residence. On leaving the ST.
Nicholas Hotel, where he was stopping, he
did precisely what he would have done at
home-,ook the pot III his hand to carry
to the silversmilh On coming out of the
door, however, he thought he would slip it
under bis overcnat, which he did, but did
it Just at the moment detective happen to
be passing, who noticed the movement,
and thought he would ''pipe" the old gent
After doing this few rods, and noticing
that the party frequently cast furtive CLAN.
ces at different objects, he became satisfied
that that the pot must have been purloined
from the hotel. He therefore quietly tapp-
ed the Judge on the shoulder and said:
Il want you )"
"For what sir %
"Oh YOU know! Just you come along
with me p
"Come along with you! What do you
mean 2" slightly indignant.
"Oh, no use to Try that on me; you come
quietly TO the station house, that's all !!
That tea pot under your coat-you under
stand?'
"Why" (assuming a more decided tone)
"that's my tea pot"
''Oh, certainly =? 10y all means Of course
it's your tea pot; won't do though; that
dodge is played out; come along, don't
bother ~
Here the justice stopped and said:
"Slr, am Justice Mullen, of the Supreme
Court don't know sou, nor what You
mean, and don't don't wish to be annoyed"
''You Justice Mnlent On, certainly
no doubt about that of course you're JUS
tlce Mullen Justices of the Supreme CouIt
are always going down Broadway with sill
yer tea pots under their coats-always do
ing tha: sort Of thiug! But that cock won't
fight; 50 come along, or i'll make short
work with YOU"
"Look here, sir" said the Judge, "here
Is an establishment (ponting to the store
in front OF which they stopdJ ''the propri-
etor Of which will at once lndentfy me, and
stop this farce"
IAN right, 20 in p
In they walked, but unfortunately the
proprietor was out Detective, becoming
impatient, said:
"Do any of you know this fellow ?"
Not being recognized by any one of the
clerical force, the officer thinking there had
been to much "talkee, talkee' already in
sisted upon prompt compliance with his
requistoD. His Honor saw the rcdiculious
prcdicament he as in, and at once pro-
posed going to the hotel, where his indent.
ity could be promptly established. Detec-
tive, sure he had ''nipped" an old and adroit
offender, and thinking it might perhaps be
we'll to restore the tea pot to the owner,
and then have his light-6ngered friend
acquiesced, and accompanied
the 'hotel theft to the St. Nicholas. The
sequel can be better imagined than written.
a cheaper looking, cheaper feeling ind
vidual than the ''expert," it would be Diff
cult to find, He is famlliary alluded to as
"Justic Mullen" but he don't like it much
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

Mrs. PARTINGToN's CoMPLAINT-"L La
mel sighed Mrs. Partington, "here have
been suferin' the bigamies of death three
mortal weeks. ! was seized with bleed
ing phrenoIogy in the left hemisphere of
the brain, which was exceeded by stop
page of the left ventilator of the heart
This gave me an Inflammation of the borax,
and now I'm sick with the chloroform NOR
bus. Theirs no blessin' like that of health,
particularly when you're sick"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

STONE TPLITTING.-A man was married
he lost his wife, and had a stone erected
over her grave. He married second time,
and when she died had the grasestone split,
and it thus served for the two departed. He
proposed to a third, and the lady quantity
remarked, Il do not believe that stone will
split again"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

"Mr. Jones'" said Mrs. j., with an air of
triumph, don't you think marriage is q
mean. Of grace 2" DWELL, yes," growled
Jones, Il suppose anything is a me ans Of
grace that breaks down pride and leads to
repentance"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

HARD HEADED.-An old gentleman was
relating story of one Of the st. Lawrence
boatmen. He is bard head" said he !;
''for he stood under an oak in thunder
storm, when the lightning struck the tree,
and he lodged it seven teen times, when find
iEg he could not dodge it any longer, he
stood and took nine claps in succession on
his head, and never finched."
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

A veritable story ofs youugster who, while
attending Sunday School for the first time,
was asked: "Who went into the lions
den 7''
The child appearing puzzled, the teacher
commenced spelling, TO awaken the boys
memory, "D.an-"
"Oh, | know now," exclaimed he "it was
Dan Rice"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

There is one kind o. ship always steer
clear Of, said an old bachelor sea-captain,"
and that's cour,ship, cause on that ship
there's always Two MATES and no captain"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

INVENTIVE GENIus.-A FrenchmaD, who
was boastlng of the inventive genius of his
country, SAID, I'VE invented lace ruffles."
"Ay," said Yankee, "and we added shirts
to them"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

BOREs.-Old gents who sit down in an
EDITORS sanctum and read newspapers to
him.
A suffering man drunk
A drunken man that does not stutter.
The man who reads all the newspapers,
but never buys one.
A man that wants to borrow money from
you.
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05
E Callico,t. who is serving O

EE Callico,t, who is serving out his
sentence in the Albany Penitentiary, is
sill Collecor in the Third n Y. District.
The President has done all in his power
to remove, him, but under the Tenure Of
Office bill the Senate must concur IN the
suspension, or it amounts to nothing
What possible object has the Senate in re
tanning Radical malefactor now in prison
in an important office
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

A little girl having tor the frs. time no.
ticed her shoulder blades, came running in
one day, and said : "Oh, Aunt Mary, guess
I'll be an angel soon, for my wing bones are
beginning to grow"
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

On recent trip of one Of the Illinois river
packets-a light draft one, as there was only
two feet oc water in the channel-the pas
sengers were startled by the cry Of Man
overheard ~ The steamer was stopped, and
preparations made 10 save him, when he was
heard exclalming: $50 ahead with your
darned old steamboat I'll walk behind
you ~
Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1868-08-05

ca The aggregate shooting of the fes-
tive gentlemen who are at present burning
powder in Jones Wood, is about fifteen
hundred ball cartridges per day. As to
each shot fifteen glasses of lager beer is
spilled it follows that the shooters alone
dispose of upwards of twenty-five thous-
and drinks during the hours devoted by
them to boring holes in targets.