Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-02-21

WHAT medicine does foolish man take
for a scoIding wife9 He takes an elixir.
IT is miserable thing to live in suspensei
il is the life Of spider.
TRE richer man makes his food, the
poorer he makes his appetite.
wHEN 10 recruit supposed to be raw +?
Until he bas been exposed to fire.
WHrsan newspaper like wife 2 Because
every man ought to have one Of his own.
asoSxx, dear, yOu have very dirty face.
"Can't help it, marm, dads a black repub
licsn."
WAY wasn't Eve tried for eating the apple?
Because there was no court ofappell-ate juris-
dietion.
No wonder that Weston is good walker
It turns out that he used to be collector Tor
a newspaper
WY are young ladies like arrows BE
cause they never 20 of vithouta q bow (beau') }
and they sre always in quiver ill they get
one.
SOME Of the Chinese in California have sill
yer watches so large that they use the out
side to fry potatoes in.
"IHAvE lost flesh, said topper to his COM
penion. "No great loss," said the other,
''since you have made up in spirits"
A PRINTER in Texas, whose first son hap
peued to be a very short, little fellow named
him Brewer Fullfaced Jones.
A PERSON being asked why he had given
his daughter IN marriage TO man with whom
he was at enmity, answered 81 did it out Of
pure revenge.
A WRITER dwelling upon the Importance of
small things, says that ''he always takes note
even Of straw, especially if there happens to
be a sherry cobler at one end of it, "
Az editor never leaves any money at home
for fear of FIRE, and never carries any with
him for fear Of robbers, nor deposits it iu the
bank for fear of speoulating bank officers"
Abem! Yes as class, editors seem care
full
DR1NK for gardener, rum shrub; drink for
an undertaken, beer; drink for sailor, port;
drink for railroad traveller, pOrter;drink for
a bird-catcher, gin; drin1 for prize-fghter,
punch; drink for deserter, brandy; drink for
doctor, champagne.
An old lady who had never travelled in the
cars, resolved last year to visit Boston. She
had no sooner alighted from the car than a
man took hold of her arm with the usual
Have hack2'' Looking him full in the
face she drawled out hesitatingly, "Wa'al l
dunno, be they good to eat ~
SEVEN gamblers we're about to be hung,
when one of them remarked sorrowfully,
awell, jim; we've had our last trump"
mo replied Jim; lone more, and that viii
be a game Of seven up" ''Well," remarked
the. other, "there's one consolation, that
game win hold out til the last trump is
played.
TaE Kennebec Journal gives converse
tion between two little girls, aged respectfully
FIVE and six. Emma" said one of them,
''wouldn't it be awful if somebody should
shoot our school mistress ?" "Yes," was the
reply, shut then wouldn't it be nice not to
have any school?''
Az irascible old gentleman, vas taken with
sneezing in the cars lately. After sneezing in
the most spasmodic manner eight times, be
arrested il for moment, and extrieating his
handkerchief, thus addressed his nasal organ
Indignantly saying, ''0h, go on. 60 oon-youll
blow yonr internal brains out presently.
FoR several weeks the Springfield, Leader
kept the following conspicuously at the head
Of its local column:
Boy wanted at this Office
A few days since. the editors wife pre-
sented him with boy. which in highly
significant way, shows the value Of advertising.
"PA, said Charlie TO his parental ancestor
holding Sunday School picture book, What
is that?
That my son, is Jacob wrestling with the
angels.
And who was licked?' inquired the young
hopeful.
Az exchange speaking of the magic strain,
Of hand organ, says
"When he plays Old Dog Tray we noticed
eleven little pups sitting on their launches in
front of the machine, brushing the tears iroru
their eyes with their fore paws.
Az old bachelor who had become melan.
cholly aud poetical wrote some verses, for
the village paper, in which he expressed the
hope that the time would soon come when he
should.
Rest calm within a shroud,
With weeping willow by my side"
but TO his inexpressible horror, it came out in
priut:
when I shall rest calmly within shacI
With weeping s0idolO by my side"
EoR SALE OR TRADE.
Two lots in the City Of Omaha Nebraska.
Two tracts Of 100 acres each within three mile,
of depot the Pacific Rail Road back of Oma-
ha.
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