The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1868-07-02
JOSH BILLINGS.
RIs OPINION OF LAGER BEER.


1 have finally cum tew the conclusion
that lager beer as beverage is not intox~
icating.
I hav bin told SO by german who sed
he had drunk /, awl mite long, just to try
the experiment, and was obliged tn go
home entirely sober in the morning.
hav seen this same man drink sixteen
glasses, and if he was drunk he was
drunk in g, rnan, and nobody could un-
derstand it. 1t is proper enuff to state
that this man kept lager beer saloon,
and could hav no object in stating what
was not strictly thus.
/ believed him tew the full extent ov
my ability. never drunk but three
glasses ov lager beer in mi lie, and that
made mi he'd ontwist as tho it was hung
on the end of string, but was told
that it was OWN to mi bile bein out ov
place and i guess that it was so, for i
never billed over wuss than did when
got hum that mite. My wife thot that
was goin tew die, and was afraid that i
shouldn't, for it did seem as tho every
thing had ever eaten in mi life wuz
cummin to the surface, and do really
believe that if mi wife hadn't pulled Off
mi boots jest as she did, they woyd hav
cum thunderin up too.
o. how sick wasI IA years ago,
and can taste it now.
/ never had so much experience in so
short a time.
If emmy man shud tell me that lager
beer was not Intoxicating, shud believe
him but if he shud tell me that wasn't
drunk that mite, but that mi stummick
was out ov order, shud ask him tew state
in few words, jest how a man felt and
acted when he was well set up.
If wasn't drunk that mite had sum
ov the most natural simptums that man
ever had, and KEEP sober.
In the first place it was about 80 rods
from where drank the lager beer to mi
house, and was over hours on the
road, and had hole bustid thru each
one ov mi pantheon neez, and didn't hav
any hat, and tried to open the door by
the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully,
and saw every thing in the room trying
tn get on the back side of me and in
settin down in chair didn't wait long
enuff for it TO get exactly under me when
it was goin around and set down little
too soon and missed the chair about u
inches. and couldn't git up sOon enuff to
take the next one that cum along; and
that amt awl: mi wife sed was az
drunk az beest, and az sed before, i
began to spin up things freely.
If lager beer is not intoxicating, it used
me most almighty mean, that know.
Still, hardly think that lager beer il
intoxicating, for hev been told SO and
am probably the only man living who
ever drank emmy when his life was not
plumb.
don't want to say anything agin a
harmless temperance bevridge, but if i
ever drink any more, i: will be with mi
hands tied behind me, and my mouth
pried open.
/ don't think lager beer is intoxicating,
but if remember right, think it tastes
to me like glass of soap suds that a
| pickle had bin put tew soak in.
He DISCoURSETH OF THE TOMATO.
1t is now about or eleven years since
folks began to banker after the tomato.
About that time some doktor ov pills dis
sekted one of these fragrant vegetables and
discovered some doktor stuff in 'em.
| AS soon az the folks found out they was
fisick tha begun to be very sweet on the
! tomater.
At that time they were in the habit ov
growing in sly places, where they wan't
afraid, over behind stone walls among bro
ken jugs, ded kats, and old iniin rubber
boots, for people wouldn't let them grow
in gardens amy more then they would a
Kanada thisselL
They were vagabond weeds, and even
a good hogg wouldn't eat one ov the ber-
reys that grows on them amy quicker
than he would bawl of red stocking yarn.
But it was decided that there wuz sum
pills in them, and they were put tew nuss
in pots and vases, and lived on the phat
ov the land, in hot houses, alongside oy
tiger hlys and roses of sharon.
1t took most folks about 18 months o
perseverance and sea sickness to get the
tomatoze to go quietly down, and from 6
vile weed, more smelly than deceased
klam, the tomater hez aktually got to 5t
hornorated more than buk-wheat slap
jack, or even pumkin pi.
This shows what love and effekshur
will do.
l havn't amy doubt that if Professor
Ratsbane would say, professionally, tha
wasp nests was good to make moustast
grow black, half the men in the kountrJ
would get wasp and go into the nes
Dizziness.
don't believe tomater will keep &
man amy more healthy than red clover
but am just like every one else, want
ed to get sum better than l wuz, and
went to skool to the tomato, and have go
learned how to eat them, if they are FLIED
with salt and pepper, and soaked well il
good slider vinegar.
But tomatoes have worked themselve.
up into necessary, and am not the mar
to injure reputashun, for l beleave an in
nocent humbug haz az mnch right to wiz
Gf it kim az emmy other man,