Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-06-26
9nnlof0ns.


Mrs. PARTIEaroN has come to the CON
clusion that there is no use trying to catch
soft water when it rains so hard.
:'How did you get rid Of that troublesome
lover ofyour,s Carrier 'ob, married him,
and haven't been troubled with his attentions
since
If you are lover, don't love two girls at
once. Love is good thing but it is like
butter in warm weather-it won't do to have
too much on hand at one time.
''CHARLEY. | was very much shocked to
hear you singing Pop goes the Weasel, in
church
"Well, mamma, saw everybody was sing
ing, and it was the only tune knew
A MAN in telling about wonderful parrot
hanging in a cage from the window ofa house
which he often passed said, sit cries "stop
thief SC naturally that every time hear it,
always stopri
Para; "Wen, sissy, how do you ike
your new school ~ Sissy ''oh, so nuts. y
Papa: 'That's right. Now tell me all you
have learned to. day. )" Sissy 81 have learned
the names of all the boys
An editor out Vest says be would as soon
try to get to sea on a shingle, make a ladder
Of fog, chase streak of lightning through
crab-apple orchard, swim heels first up
Niagara river, or set Lake Erie on fire with
wet match, as to stop lovers getting married
When they take it into their heads to do So.
A LAD in Troy was directed by his mother,
a few days since, to saw some old railroad
ties, from which much Of the family fuel was
supplied. After listening to the sound Of the
saw and axe few minutes, the lady noticed
period of silence in the yard. Stepping
out, she found the lad sitting contemplatively
upon the wood pile, and asked him promptly
what was the matter. He rose slowly from
his seat, placed his hand upon his breast, and
assuming dramatic attitude and expression
of countenanee, replied: ''My dear mother,
l find it hard, very hard, to sever old ties.
! WELL ToLD.-"The next morning the
judge of the police court sent for me. l went
| down and he received me cordially, had heard
of the wonderful things l had accomplished
by knocking down FIVE persons and assauiting
six others, and was proud Of me. | was a
promising young man, and all that. Then he
offered toast, Guilty, or not guilty. | re-
spon ded in a brief but eloquent speech, set
ting forth the importance of the occasion
that had brought US together After the usual
ceremonies l was requested to lend the city
ten dollars"
THE Hartford Post is responsible for the
story of conductor on road not thousand
miles from Hartford, who had agreed, in the
kindness of his heart, to pass poor penui-
less fellow on his train. An officer of the
road sitting in the same car with the man OBJ
served that the conductor took no fare from
him, and called him to account for it. "Why
do you pass that man ?'' said the Treasurer.
"Oh, he's a conductor on the - railroad. "
"He's a conductor! why what makes him
dress so shabbilyl' "Oh, he's trying to live
on his salary p was the quick reply. The
Treasurer saw the point and dropped the sub
ject.
JOKES was, or belieYed be was near his
death, and the doctor calling, he held long
and earnest conversation with him about his
chances of life. ''Why, man. said the
physician. ''you are likely to die any hour
You have been living for the last fifteen
years without constitution-lungs gone,
| liver diseased, and all that sort of thing"
''You don't mean to say" replied Jones,
questioningly, shat mau can live for ff-
teen years without a constitution ~
''Yes, do" retorted the doctor, ''and you
are an example,
''Then, doctor" and bright smile illu-
minated the pallid face of the doomed man,
''then doctor, I'll go it ten years more on
the bylaws" and he did.
A WITsEss.-A Yankee, having told an
Englishman that he had shot, on one partic-
ular occasion, nine hundred and ninety-nine
snipe; his interlocutor asked him why he
didn't make it thousand at once.
NO" said he, mot likely I'm going to
tell lie for one snipe."
Whereupon the Englishman rather 'riled'
and determined not to be outdone, began to
tell long story Of man having swan from
Liverpool to Boston.
''Did you see him ?'' asked the Yankee.
/
across, and our vessel passed him mile out
of Boston harbor.
swell, I'm glad you saw him, stranger,
'cos yer witness that did it. That was
mep'
To hear Cough tell the "drugger' story is
worth quarter at any time. The story is a
capital one, but it takes the man to tell it.
This he does in some such words as these:
A long, lean, gaunt Yankee entered drug
store and asked,
''Be you the drugger?'
''Well, s'pose so, / sell drugs
''Waal, hev you got any Nv this here scent
in stuff as the gals put on their henkechers?''
80, yes"
''Waal, our Sails gwine to be married, and
she gin me ninepence and told me to invest
the hull amount 10 seenten stuff, SOS to make
her sweet, if I could find some to suit; so if
you We mind Il just smell round"
The Yankee smelled round without being
suited until the druggist got tired of him; and
takin down bottle of hartshorn, said
fI've got scentin' stuff that will suit yon
A single drop on your handkerchief viii stay
for weeks, and you can't wash it out, but to
get the strength of it you must take big
SMELL"
SIS that so, Mister? Waal just hold on a
minute ill get my breath, and when say
meow, you put it under my smeller."
! The hartshorn of course knocked the Yam
kee dowH, as liquor has done many aman. Do
you suppose he gotup and smelt again, as
the drunkard does? Not he; but rolling up
his sleeves and doubling uphis fists he said:
"You made me smell that tarnal everlastin'
stuff, Mister, and now L Il make you smell