Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-06-12

praised Hev alredy subioogated three Nv
EN-. Bells is srinein and bon6res is blaAn.
PoGRAM
The Corners congratulates 700 and the
President. / Commence work to morrer
on the enlargement Nv my distillery, which
wuz suspended when the impeachment
onpleasantnis wuz begun. All hale!
McPELTER.
Halel all hale! Amid the general reiolcln,
can yoo borrer enuf to pay the bill 700
owe me? The Corners is blazin. Two mig
gars hev bin hung on the public square, ana
Pollock store is in a state Nv seige. The
boys are bound to clean him out this time
sure. BAscoM.
Couriers jist in from toards Garretstown.
Within ten minutes after the news reached
EN- the Niger Settlement wuz in blaze
and the two Burow teachers there wuz
reported missin. Glory enuff for Kentucky.
Punt
why, sed to Randall who sat moody
aud alone, don't yoo and the President
share in the genera exileration? He doesn't
seem to be the least eggscited. "
"Wby shood we?" retorted he. ''Doth
the shepherd go into spasms over the sheep
he hez safe in his fold? The fact is, our
eggscitin time wuz sevral weeks ago, while
we wuz buyinuv em, aud arraugin for this,
The Black Crook is rather startlin to the
beholder from the front, but to the mana
ger who contracted for the legs at SO much
a pair, and arranged the taboo, it aint so
startlin.
'Thinkst thou the new programe will
result ez the President hopes2
No, the new party can't succeed, no
more than our last vencher did. 1t ain t
made up Nv the rite material There, s
more intelIeck than sole in in it-more
bowels than heart. There's Chase, Fessen-
den, Trumbull and Grimes Chase hez
ambition, Grimes hate, and Trumbull and
Fessenden dyspepsia, making the ingregen-
cies in the new organization half ambition
and hate and half dyspepsia, Never trust
man whose stumick is out Nv order-take
no stock In him whose bowels is unsound
Intelleck is nothin, heart is nothin, unless
there's stumack under them on which to
build, Chase heI no Conscience. TrumbulI
and Fessenden no gastric joose. Sich men
alluz conspire and aluz fail. Still, I'm glad
the things occurred.
'Efit amounts to nothin, why giad?'
''Becoz it lets johnson and me out. When
Arnold went back on his couutrymen, his
countrymen forgot Joodis Iskariot; when
Aron Burr ariz, they to wunst forgot
Arnold; Pierce drove Burr out Of the public
mind. Bookanan, made EN- forget Pierce,
johnson made EN- forget Bookanan, and
now Chase and Trumbull viii make EN-
forget johnson and me. That's what
l was drivin at. Under the storm
shell leave for my quiet Wisconsin
home and livein peece, for beside these
later cusses l sheH Iooli as lIEoO oonlI'sI-s
tive respectability Good nite. All i:
we'll
At a late hour [ retired to my yirchu,
couch, and faIlin into the deep sleep which
only visits the pliers nv them whose
chonshences amt bothered much, Nv whom
am wich, ez my Conscience sheds eouvick-
shen " wrath to come ez duck does spring
rain, I dreamed most curis dream
Methawt the Presidenshel course wus reely
aud trooly a race course. and the candidates
he'd to run that course, the winner Nv tho
race to be glori6ed At one end NV tho
track wuz weighiu stand and at the othel
the winners post, which wuz the White
House, The runners WEI to carry the san.
didates for Vice President and sich other
weights ez their hackers shood put onto en-.
The Republicans he'd Grant on the
ground promptly and ready for the race.
He come up splendid He wuzn SO mighty
immence, but he wuz clean limbed, decsntly
developt all over and showed frst-rate in
the back and loins His trainers pulled of
his shoulders few little dead weights which
some Nv his injoodishus hackers he'd chuekt
onto him, sposin be Good carry everything.
Wade vaulted onto his shoulders and he
wuz ready.
Our people he'd some difficulty in selcctin
a man to run agin him. Pendleton wnz
trotted out, but Belmont pernounced him
unfit; Mcclellan next, but Voorhees, objectid.
Finally Chase wuz selected to run the ap-
pintid race, and he wuz brot to the weighin
stand To the naked eye he wuz splen-
did specimen, and be came up to the stand
50 gallant that notwithstanding he carried
in his hand a silver pitcher wich the nipcers
Nv Cincinnati give him for defendin fugi-
tive from Kentucky, our people cheered
vociferous Tall, strong and muskler look
in, in good flesh, deep cLested, broad shoul-
dered, strong backt, he wuz ez perfect a
specimen ez l ever beheld, and all felt cen
ident that he would hev no trouble in beat.
in his opponent out Nv site. He come up
to the stand gorgeous, accompanied by
Trumbull, Fessenden, Grimes, johnson,
and sich, who he'd him in tow.
At this pint Vallandygum, Peers, Vor.
hees, Morrissey and Wood, who he'd charge
Nv our arrangements, took him in hand,
we must prepare our man, sed they.
Take orf this ablishin coat, sed Voor-
hees
And this imparshel suffrage vest, sed
Morrissey, ''the niger heznt the moral
qualifications for the ballot. 3"
''And this free soil shirt, - sed Wood.
''And that anti-fugitive slave law wig, -
sed Voorhees,.
"And them ekal justis shoulder braces, .
sed Peerse.
And them humanitarian pants, shreek-
ed Wood.
"We can't abide none nv these things, -
yelled the crowd. "Peell peell All Nv
these you got from the ablishnists, free-soil.
ers and Republicans. Wen none Nv EN-. -
The silver pitcher he carried in his hand