Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-07-17
Wise and Otherwise.


A bashtu. young lady away down
i'm Maine says getting married mus'
I've very trying. When she marries
she intends to take chloroform.
Mark Twain, i'm his lecture on the
Sandwich Islands, offers to show how
the cnnnibals eat their food, If some
lady will kin lily lend him her baby.
A Pittsfield little girl is not content
with daily bread" and so adds ia
her accustomed morning prayer,
"f1ease, Father, give me jam, cook
les and pie"
A fop was boasting in company
that he had every seuse to perfection;
"There Is one you arcquite without,
said one who was standing by, "and
that Is common sense"
A boy entered a stationery store
the other day, and asked the proprie,
tor what kind of pens he sold. "All
kinds" was the reply. well then
I'll take three cents worth of pig
pens"
A Young woman who had been re-
proved for indifference to a suitor
who had offended her by his slovenly
dress, replied, "Why should L pine
for him when he will not spruce for
me?"
The editor of Chicago newspaper
has declared, i'm speaking Of the filth
of that city, that he has had two hun
dred and twenty, several and dis
tinct smells, with three wards to hear
from.
"Why did Joseph's brethren cast
him into a pit?" asked a Sunday
School teacher of his class. Be
cause" said young lady, "they
thought it good opening for young
man."
A wedding was recently spoiled in
Schenectady by q long lost husband
stepping into the carriage with the
blushing bride and insisting that II
any marrying was to be done he wan
ted the precedence.
A bricklayer, who was working at
the top of q house, happened to foil
through the rafters, and not being
hurt, he bounced up, and cried to his
fellow laborers, III defy any man to
go through his scork as quick as !
did"
"Mrs. Brown, they say your hus-
band follows very crooked ways."-
"WeII, Mrs. Smith, that is not
strange, for when he was q boy he
got SO much i'm the habit of chasing
snakes that lie could never get over
it,"
A beautiful lady was kissing and
caressing her beautiful lap.dog: "Ah
Maria 7" exclaimed her foppish odor-
err, "why not grant me the favor you
are wasting on Fido?" II don't kiss
every puppy" replied the pouting
fair.
A Dutchman was relating his mar.
velous escape from drowning, when
thirteen of his companions were lost
by the upsetting of a boat, and he
alone saved. "And how did you es'
cape their fate?" asked one of his
hearers. 81 It'd not go i'm the pote, VI
was the Dutchman's placid reply.
While General Grant was hurrying
through New York, "Wednesday,
crowds of people followed and bese,
him, and one man, more foolish than
the others, cried out, General, whsi
do you think of the present political
prospect?" az don't think of it nj
all ut present." was the reply. "My
principle object just now is to catch
she train"
A greenhorn being about to be mar
fied resolved to make himself perfect
i'm the responses of the service, bu
by mistake got by heart the "offic'
of baptism for ripper years." so wher
asked i'm church, "Will thou have
this woman, &c." he answered, 81
renounce them ALL" The clergyman
said, II think you are a fool :" Il
which he replied, sail this l stead
lastly believe"
An cratic poetical genius, abou
town, was highly delighted the othe
day by the EDITORS telling him h,
resembled Poe, the author of thu
"Raven."
ado you really think So" asked
the moon struck sonneter: "Pray il
what respect?"
"Why you wear your shirt cola
upside down, and get drunk on gin
and water"
A cooper who was in need of hoop
poles beset a man to furnish hin
with some. "Where'll / get 'em p
questioned the man. Anywhere
steal 'em, If you can't do better."-
The hoop-poles were furnished ant
paid for, when the cooper happened
10 inquire of the seller where he go
them. "Stole 'em as you told ME {.
do" was the answer. "Where di.
you steal 'em ?" "Oh, up i'm you
woods" returned the man, juggling
his pockets.
An Ohio stump orator, while max
ing a speech, paused in the midst q
it, and exclaimed:
Now, gentlemen, tell me what d.
you think"
Instantly a man arose i'm the as
sembly, and with one eye PARTIAL,
closed up, he very modestly answer
ed:
~ think, sir, I do, indeed, sir.
think il you and were to stump tn
country together. we would tell NOR
falsehOods than any other two mel
I'm the country, sir, and I'd not say .
single word during the whole time
SIR"
An Englishman was once maxim,
some very extraordinary statement
as to the speed of n horse which n,
owned. any dear SIR" said an Aner
Jean, "that is rather less than TIN
speed of our roadsters. / live at m,
country seat near Philadelphia, whei
ride to town i'm hurry in the NOR
ming my shadow does not keep III
with me and generally comes int
the store a minute or two after IN,
arrival. One morning my horse wai
restless and / rode him as hard as
could several times around larg
factory, just to take the old Harr!
out of him. Well, sir, he went 81
fast that L saw my back before m
the whole time. and was twice IL
danger of running over myself"
Jones was. or believed he was, nea
his death, and the doctor calling, IN
held a long and earnest conversation
about the chances of his life., "Wh,
man, said the physician, "you ar
likely to die any hour. You hav
been living for the last fifteen year
without q constitution, lungs gone
liver diseased, and all that sort o
thing" ... .....
"You don't mean to say" reptile,
Jones, questioningly, "that a maj
can live fifteen years without con
stitution ?"