Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1868-04-24


When | spoke of our shop" did men
tion that it Is a grocerye 1t is a corner
grocery, and If you should pass there you
may see nay name on the sign over 1t P.
Iumpkin mention it now, not because
am proud OF ito tell the truth, con-
fess to certain base khame 10 the matter
but because the public interest requires
1t. That is, | do not know how to com.
mence my story without admitting the
fact and rather than inflict such loss on
the readers Of the Bazap as not to com
mence 1t at all, perish al personal cansid-
erations. i 20. b.fsa
In the early hours of the afternoon oc.
ours what | may call the ebb tide of our
trade, nothing coming upon our counter
but feeble wash Of pennies, which leave
to my assistant Jo Meantime retire with
cigar to sort of sanded bower formed
by two hogsheads and a section Of wall.
1t was on such time, and in this bower,
that first saw the charactagent. / was
busy with Lumpkin paper-On Woman,
her Faults, Follies, and Failures; that is,
/ was tracing the outlines OF the article in
the smoke of my cigar, when there enter
ed comely young person carrying ped
dler's basket filled with ladies' night caps.
No, we don't want any caps today"
said L.
"But these are not caps, sir. They are
charactagents," replied The young person,
picking up one OF the fimsy affairs and
dangling it on her fingers. "No doubt
you will have observed, sir, that. where
there is universal want the invention to
supply that want is sure to be close at
hand and suppose, sir, there is no want
more universal than that of women to suit
the taste of the gentlemen of the present
day. II is getting really dreadful to take
up paper or magazine and to read how
foolish and extravagant and unpleasant
all the ladies are, and how little good
all the preaching and talking seems to do
them" aar~
This the young person delivered as a
speech learned by rote, eying me the
while and twirling the cap on her fingers !;
and having taken breath she began anew.
"Mr. Pool-that ia the inventor, sir
has thought for long time that there was
a remedy for the evils of ladies' dispGsi-
tions, sir, and that the old gentleman's no.
ton about doing away with the bad bumps
of persons head, might not be so ridicu-
lous as it looked, and in the characta-
gent" tapping the cap with her finger,
"Mr Pool thinks he has found it."
"But," said l, g" that is a night-cap."
"Bless you, sir it is made with frillsa and
puffs to catch q lady's eye. But here, you
see, is what we call system of muslin
bows, and under each Of these bows is
pad, made on the principle of what the
boys call sucker. These pads are nova
BILE, and are applied in this way: The gen.
tleman should have chart of the lady's
head for whom he desires the cap. He
then arranges these pads to press on the
bumps of her head that are Objectionable.
Say the lady is conceited.l esllps the bow
and the pad thus rapid movement OF the
fingers]. The lady wears the cap quite un-
suspecting Popping the cap in question
on her head, and assuming an innocent ex-
pression] All night there Is this steady
pressure, you will remember, fifteen pounds
to the square inch. In one night
The lady's head would be crushed to
Jelly" suggested. VII IEr
Something like a smile twinkled for an
instant IN the young persons eyes.
"Mr. Pool has devoted several years to
experiments on the human skull" she re-
piled, demurely, "and he finds the male
skull invariably much softer than the
female. Such a pressure might reduce
your head to jelly sir, while it would
only produce slight alteration in that
Of your wife's. Ii you like, sir, / can
show you several testimonials from hen
)ecked husbands of wealth and distinction,
whose wives have already been brought
" the charactagent' from utter shrewish-
hess to the most lamb-like dispositions,
md without once suspecting the cause of
The change"
l bought the caps. Half a.doz.n of
them. Not that 1 am hen-pecked. But,
then, what text for my article on Woman
would my experiments with Mrs. Lumpkin
afford and of course Mrs. Lumpkin has
her peculiarities, like other women. /
made mental list of them at once. Over
fondness of dress-Mrs Lumpkin had that
Slavish devotion to fashion-How often
had preached from that text! Love of
gossip-One of Mrs. Lumpkin's weak
nesses. Want of logic-Why,, she con-
tinually exaspcrated me. Fretting -Ceuld
l ever hope to cure her of that ? General
frivolity Of ideas and want of interest in
really found q great gulf fixed between
Had not often heard Mrs Lumpkin
declare that she did not live, she pudding
lied? Caprices-C Certainly Mrs. Lumpkin
had these! Ready for tears one day,
trimming with fun the next; and neither
she nor any other mortal knew the reason
why
l made list of these failings, and re.
solved to take them in order.
No conspirator ever went about with a
more awful sense of guilt and danger.
Suppose should drop the list from my
pocket Imagine my wife reading it to
herself! "Wsnt Of logicr General
trivolity - "Great gulf fixedl" "Mr.
Lumpkin, what is this?" What should ]
reply2 Suppose she should discover the
charactagentr Does any mortal doubt
that she would not have compelled me to
wear it myself? ..~.
But when my wife at last laid her head
Gown on her pillow in that night-cap, and
when she closed her eyes with system y
OF pads pressing on all the peacock de.
yslopments in her head at the rate of fif.
teen pounds to the square inch, my sensa.
tions were simply dreadful How did
know whether l had right to deprive
her of one of her bumps? Who should
assure me that it was not q crime to make
her character lop-sided What might the
physical consequences be of such moral
revolution? When she laid quiet found
myself listening to hear If she still
breathed; and once, thinking she was
dead, l was about to break out in frantic
adjurations, when she treasured me by q
gentle snore. ,...--- -
Morning came, and with horrible sense
OF guilt watched her as she took off the
charactsgent Wds there hollow in hel
round, well shaped head She certainly
complained that she could not srrsggt
both sides OF her hair ain