The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1868-09-05
From ssFun.o

From S'FUn."
ODD FAcT.-Our contemporary, the Orchestra,
has given notice "that no person named John
Thomson, or Johnson is, or ever has been,
connected with that journal" The eircum-
stance is curious, and we are obliged to the
editor for mentioning it. Probably few estab-
lishments in this country could say as much;
though we once knew very extensive print
ing Office which was long believed to have no
Smith or Jones among its numerous en-
ployees. Subsequent Investigations, however,
led to the discovery that the Office really did
contain both a Smith and Jones, in the per-
sons Of two clerks who had been induced to
drop those humble patronymics for the more
striking cognomens of Plantagenet and De
Montmorency.
THE HoT WEATHER.--The milkmen, on the
plea of the prevailing drought, are raising the
price OF milk. OF course, every one can see
that the result of the ''cow with the iron tail''
running dry is to lessen the quantity of milk.
HINT FOR GIRLS OF THE PERIOD.
LaTa.-"Why, Harriet, what queer way
OF doing your hair-just like snail 70
Haniet.-"Well, my love, Idon't think any
one can call that fast head dress"
''TnE DESERTED VILLAGE" - Just now,
London.
P. Sin a postscript to his letter,
correspondent who signs himself ga
man of letters" suggests that Professor
Morley and Lord Wiuchilsea may find COM
mon ground on which to settle their dispute
about British Museum Epitaph. His lordship
says that Milton could only have written it in
his old age. Professor Morley says he wrote
it, but the Museum people say the signature
is p. M, and not J. NJ. Here then the Profess
sor and the Lord agree: 1t is evident that the
poet wrote them when past the meridian of
life, and put P. NJ. to show the fact. This is
quite as good as most of the arguments" on
the question, so we print it.
TwINs.-River Pirates-Pike. Land Pirates
Pixies.
No Go.-Old Bibber tries to make his friends
believe that the depth and frequency of his
potations arise from the fact of his having been
in his youth SO often placed in a 'go" "cart.
Foul PLAY. - Stealing a story from the
French and selling it as original.
BABBAGE TO THE REsCUE.-The ignorance of
some persons in the matter of simple arith-
metic is perfectly astounding. We know a
man who has been engaged his whole life long
i'll Cooking out for number one!'
A ACH-YDERM.-Pincher is anything but
thin-skinned; he rents moor aRd sends all its
produce to Leadenhall-street, excusing himself
for never making up parcel OF grouse for
friend on the ground that after a while the
birds will "pack" themselves.
THE YOUNG INDIANS DELIGHT.-Looking out
for squaws.
DEGREES OF CoMPARIsoNs.-Ou friend +. E.
Buss, who has just published volume of
"poetry" that has been widely reviewed favor
ably and unfavorably, declares that there are
three degrees of critical expression: Criticism,
hyper criticism, and viper
A BITING REMARK.--A scientific Benedict of
our acquaintance was told that Parliament was
considering the question of the property of
married women. He Immediately replied that
there was no question about 1.-THE chief pro-
perty of marie women was acidity
WHAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A GARIBALDIAN
SAY.-"Forget- Me- not (tD."
A NATIONAL CALAMITY. That much dreaded
event, the exhaustion of our coal fields, is, we
fear, about to become fait accompH. We OBJ
serve that the offices of one of the largest firms
in the coal trade are placsrded with the start
ling announcement, "Coals are now at the
lowest"
SCIENTIFIC NoFE.-The appearance of the
mosquito in this country may be regarded as
the immediate effect of gnat-mospheric
change. ~
COLD CoMFoRT.-The best thing to have
about you this hot weather--A "Cool Hun
dred." .......
The PENALTIES OF Britannia"
as we all know, "rules the waves" but that
can be no reason why certain OF her subjects
should waive the rules Of courtesy and good
breeding by mobbing the heir apparent and
suite at GOodwood. Such vulgar and snob-
bish obtrusiveness deserves to be rewarded by
the sight-not of their R'yle-but of their
Riled Highnesses. -
PAT(TD TO THE OCCASION. operate cele-
brity met a dramatic celebrity in the neighbor-
bOrhood of the Catholic Chapel in the Clap
ham Park road, on the last Wednesday in
July. Seeing bridal party driving away,
Opera asked Drama what it was. Drama re-
piled, st is the Csux-it is the Caux, my
soul %
TEMPoRIsING. The Editor of the "Fun."-
Sir:-I observe that Lord Winchilsea, in criti-
cising the epitsph, enormously attributed to
Milton, says you never find thyme in a wood.
If he will take the trouble to go to Bagey
Wood and look, he may perhaps succeed in
finding; for l know, lost several hours there
last hunting season waiting for q fox that did
turn up. Yours, OXoNIAN.
VERY SMALL BEER.--In presenting the mas
sive "China Cup' 70 its fortunate winners
Lord Napier remarked that the English COM
munity there ''never did things by halves"
We could wish that the same remark would
apply to the mother country. Unfortunately
especially at election times-many things
that won't bear daylight are done here by
"halE andhaG"
UTRUM HoRUM MAvIs, ACcIPE.-The King of
Sweden has recently placed some of his royal
subjects in very queer position. He has seat
four landscapes to the Fine Arts Exhibition at
Stockholm; and the managers of the gallery
are in this dilemma:-to reject his Majesty
would be disloyal-to hang him would be
reasonable.