North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1868-03-11
A New Contributor.

A New Contributor.
A gentleman nomed Marion Mslhorno,
Of Ohio, is writing Papers on the issues
of the day. We give No. | of the series
I" 10 the Present Generation:
| Dear Sir:-l remarked to Mrs. Melhorne
the other evening, says /, "being once in
q show, was good deul amused with an
African thereunto appertaining, who kept
saying all the time, "Oh, I'm ~ glad I
never was SO glad in all my life !" Where
upon another person interrogated him AZ
follows, towit: Says he, "What makes
you so glad, Mr.. Snow? p" To which tbs
latter replied, "Oh, I'm SO glad that I'm
u living
At this bit of pleasantly Mrs. Melhorne
laughed imnoderately. Rallying at
length she begged pardon, and responded
that she couldn's imagine what the under
signed was trying to illustrate by the
above narrative.
Says |, the Democratic victories Of
October and November, together with the
truly hattcring prospects for the mighty
future, have made Inc glad that I'm a
living too: They repay me-" says I, "for
all my toll"
This opened the way for discussion of
some Of the issues which arc now agitating
the public mind, and Mrs. Melhorne took
advantage thereof to draw me out relative
to the purchase Of the Danish West India
Islands.
replied with much ability, stating that
the enterprise met witt, my most cordial
appreciation. Says I, "thc undersigned
is the original protector of the scheme. I
don't care anything about the Island them
Selves says |, - but we need the accom-
panying earthquakes"
You ought to have seen what an express
sion Of surprise these remarkable words
brought to the countcnanco Of Mrs. Mel
horne. ..
Earthquakes ~ says she, "what in
the name OF conscience do you want with
earthquakes? 2"
l replied, stating that when our country
was first settled, the unophisticated pioneer
supposed that the ague would do all the
shaking that would be needed. Time has
proved the delusivcness of this expectation,
and demonstrated the necessity for some
thing more potent. We must have sup
ply Of earthquakes, regardless of expense.
Any amount OF rough shaking is wanted
ut this time.
An earthquake that would shake the
hoops from barrels Of benzine, and. smash
an extensive variety of glassware, would
exercise very wholesome influence upon
society. With one ofthe earliest of these
convulsions, it would be well to open gaps
in the earth in few localities so as to
swallow Parson Brownlow, Jim. Ashley
and Petroleum V. Nasby, as a preliminary
warning to scoundrels and fools. For tho
benefit Of future antiquities, etc., would
suggest little extra violence in the in-
mediate vicinity of Oberlin, likewise of
Nenia and Aberdeen. Then there is one
oth-r town just across the the Muskingum
| from Marietta, by the name Of Uarmer,
that ought to be manured by its inhabi-
tants and set in grass. These four towns,
| am well satisfied, would embellish the
bowels Of the earth more than they do its
surface. If they were gobbled up by an
able and discriminating earthquake, and
allowed to remain for about 400 years, I
don't think it would do any harm to dig
up what would be lett of them, (similar
to " IIerculaneum and Pompeii,") and
| exhibit the same in Barnum's Museum for
the amusement Of grateful posterity.
Mrs. Melhorne, having by this time
caught the drift Of my argument, entered
| into the spirit thereof with much cnthusi-
asm, ut the same time lending me her
truly able cooperation in arranging the
details Of the scheme. Says she, - think
if large portion of the clergy was Jared
| in a suitable manner, the price Of Sheep
pelts would decline about 80 per cent
The WOLF" she continued, sis on extra
mean animal, any way you may take him;
| bat when he crawls into a sheep skin and
goes to howlng, in disguise, don't hardly
see how the Devil can run his subterrancan
shebang without.him.'
replied with emphasis: says l. I" the
Devil can attend to his business in his own
dominions. He has dead sure thing
down there. But here on earth, where
he looks exclusively for his raw material,
and where there is still a feeble show Of
opposition to his authority, is where he
can use his best inventions with the mos.
success.
After moments hesitation during
which the whole scene passed III rapid re-
view before my now fully aroused intel
lect,) says /, II think l SEQ in the pur-
chase of the aforesaid islands the only
possible solution, perhaps of our financial
difficulties. My plan would lie substan-
TALLY as follows, to wit: Take say three
OR four of the most robustious earthquakes
to be found in our assortment, consolidate
them all into one gigantic scheme, and
give them the job Of shaking of the pub
lie debt at all hazards
Glancing my eye over toward whero
Mrs. Nj. was sitting. and preceiving that
she was engaged in taking notes Of my re-
marks Ito incorporate into her forthcom-
ing book,) | went right ahead, and says
|, GAS tor'the radical party, it wouldn't
pay to shake that any more. It's doing
its own shaking satisfactorily enough,
similar to three shakes Of dead sleeps
tail"
Mrs. NJ, after indulging in hearty
laugh at the euain illustration which the
undersig gned had brought into requsition,
ayailed herself Of the opportunity to be
heard, and says she, what you have just
said is too true. There isn't hardly
enough of the Radical party left at this
time to howl its own requiem. If there
is, it's high time for the howling to begin.
| would therefore recommend the follow
ing to the disconsolate muse thereof:
oh the death of my poor children,
Oh, the death that they did die:
Some got drunk and some got drowned,
And some got chokel Oh niger pie"
After the applause had partially subsi-
ded, the undersigned rallied and says
(not wishing to wantonly wound the feel
ings Of the sorrowing survivors,) 'If
about 1850 of them had got choked six
or seven years ago with about eleven feet
of good honest rope, the Devil wouldn't
be in half as aourishing condition as he
is at present. But candor compels me to
- ~ I 4
cradle credit FOR the truely satisfactory
manner in which ha has heep dispnsipo of