The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1868-06-16
Miscellany.
From the Commercial Buletin.l
GREAT INDIRECT ROUTE.
DISPATCH LINE.
Competition and Everything Else Defed.
u BREAKNECK BUsTUPS -YfSs
RAILROAD AND STEAMBOAT LINE.

RAILROAD AND STEAMBOAT LINE.
This well-known line would respectfully
call the attention of their victims, the travel
ing public, to their unsurpassed arrangements
for swindling and inconvenience the coming
season.
The rails of the Breakneck r. II. have been
In constant use for over twenty years, and are
warranted to be in a sufficiently precarious
condition to insure the lyeliest emotion in
the mind of the passenger! The earnings OF
the Company being entirely devoted to Wall
street speculations and enriching abscOnding
directors, no money has been foolishly spent
on this road, which is now in fine condition
for series OF lively and exciting accidents
during the summer, without the least fear OF
Interference from the authorities, as the Pres-
dent OF the Company carries the Legislature
in his breeches pocket.
PROVISION FOR ACCIDENTS.
Medical students will find travelling on
this road far superior to walking the hospt-
ais, and will be furnished with season tickets
at the Office. An experienced undertaken ac-
companies each train, and passengers will
save time and expense by selecting their COT
fins at the depot before entering the train.
Every engineer will carry quart bottle Of
Bourbon (some of 'em can carry more) in
order to get up steam at the shortest notice,
and consequently mo blame can be attached
to them" in case of accident.
EXPERIENCED OFFICIALS.
A corps of thck-headed freshmen have
been carefully selected and specially import
ed, as switch tenders and fagmen, and will
challenge comparison with any set of blum
derheads outside of Congress. As gates are
not put up at any of the crossings, unless the
fagmen should happen to be there and be
sober, parties who attempt to cross the road
will have fine opportunity of teetinS tue
strength OF their vehicles against the loco
motive.
The conductors are a set of fine, fat fellows,
selected by weight, for the agoniZing "scrOug
ing" they can infict on passengers in passing
through crowded car. They will wear
neat and appropriate uniform of big seal ring,
massive watch chain and diamond pin-pro-
vided they have been on the road long
enough-and are distinguished for their bar
room politeness to good-lOoking female pas
sengers, when their good nature is not dis
turbed by questions in regard to time, dis
lance or locality, by stupid people.
By long practice, the brakemen of the
Company have acquired the art of shouting
the names of way stations in the Cherokee
language and slamming the car door at one
and the same time, which is of great assis-
lance to travellers unacquainted with the
country.
COMFORTS OF THE LINE.
Particular attention is called to the cars Of
the Company, which are OF the good old lash
Toned, stif-backed, hard-seated kind, with
none of the new tangled notions of comfort
and ventilation, found ON Western roads,
The window fasteners are ingeniously con-
trved, to defy the most muscular passenger
to shut them when open, or open them when
shut. A peculiarly uncomfortable and
springless car, which is of no farther use for
baggage, has been fitted up for the discomfort
OF smokers, Four first class blacklegs, who
dizzy with the conductor, are attached to this
car, aud auy gentleman who desires "a little
game OF euchre" can be Accommodated at shor.
notice.
REFRESHMENTS.
With view to encourage trade and COM
merce, the cars will be free to peripatetic
merchants in popped corn, green apples, "Ios-
engers," bewildering Railroad Guides, molas-
ses candy, spruce gum, musty cake, nasty il
Illustrated papers, oranges, peanuts, maple SUI
gar and other delcacies. At the refreshment
stations on the road all kinds of indigestible
cake and unpleasant pies may be found by
special arrangement between the conductors
and refreshment men, the starting bell will
ring as soon as the passengers have paid for
their refreshments, and burnt their mouths
with the first swallow of scalding chickory.
THE GREAT TRUNK LINE.
The facilities of the company for transport
ing luggage are worthy the attention of the
trunk makers of the country. The train and
depot baggage masters and porters are dis
tinguished for their muscular development,
and have been known to reduce the strongest
trunk to kindling wood with ease, in jour-
ney of hundred miles.
At all points, without hotels in the interest
of the company, where the traveller can be
delayed over night, and charged accordingly,
stages will connect, and after being well over
loaded, passengers VINO have been lucky
enough to get thus far in safety will have an
opportunity of calculating in a hot sun the
chances of being run away with by four
horse team, until it suits the convenience OF
the driver to start-during this interval the
reins will invariably be entrusted to the most
nervous man on the box seat.
STEAMERS OF THE LINE.
The crank and unseaworthy steamers
Scough, Capt. Snag, and Teekittle, Capt.
Sawyer, will leave Landend as soon alter the
arrival Of the trains as may suit the cOnven-
fence of the company. These floating pal
aces" offer rare inducements to the relatives
oil passengers whose lives are heavily insur-
ed, and are furnished with the usual framed
frauds in regard to boiler inspection. They
are as safe as a wellconstructed flat-boat in
calm weather, and life-boats are kept in con-
slant readiness for the safety of the captain
and crew. They have never been on fire but
four or tive times, and Captain SAWYER
has never lost but three boats from this
cause; while Capt. Snag knows every rock
in the harbors, from having struck on most O
them at different periods of his ife
LUXURIEs OF THE BOATS.
A large and irrepressible corps of negro
walters will be source of constant and
pleasing annoyance to the traveller and will
expect " a shiliin" every time they are looked
at. Passengers who may desire to leave
canes, shawls, umbrellas or other small arti-
Giles in or about the saloons, can do so with
perfect confidence that they will never see
them again. The bar-room is furnished with
full assortment of cheap liquors, and con
nected with the BARRIERS shop as usual so
that man can have the hair taken off his
head and the coating off his stomach at tbe
same time. Connecticut cigars can also be
purchased at the slight advance of one thou
sand per cent. on the cost of importation,
Meals will be furnished on board to any who
are foolish enough to pay for them, and the
Dili OF fare includes the largest list of iI-cook-
ed food that can be imagined.
NIB.
Ihe company are not in the habit of adver-
Using time OF departure, rate of fare, or any
9tner useless information, as these matters