The Hancock Jeffersonian. [volume] (Findlay, Ohio) 1857-1870, 1868-02-14
A Warning to Bachelors,

have no hesitation in avowing
that my hair is dark, my features
swarthy, my stature gigantic, my
manners surly, and name Grump. i
have further to say, that have the
strongest antipathy to being settled
in life, and if / thought either one OF
my eyes were capable of fixing itself
on young woman, would shut that
eve up by an effort of will, hence
forth and forever. If any man is
bold enough to contradict me, /
should like to meet him at an hour
of the morning when the street is toll
erably empty, and the policeman hap
pens to be at the opposite extremity
of his beat.
How do 1 propose to enlighten and
fortify the Shy Young Man2 / in
tend to teach him the results OF my
own experience. If he has one grain
of sense in his whole composition, he
may profit by the lesson, and may
step out of the absurd situation in
which he has now placed himself.
have not the slightest feeling Of
friendship for this imbecile person.
1t is merely 4 little whim of mine to
try if l cannot separate him from his
young woman. / see his young wo-
man in my minds eye, even from his
miserable description of her. Com
plexion OF the color of cold boiled
veal, white eyelashes, watery eyes,
red hands with black mittens on them
raw elbows, sickly smile--form plump
and shapeless,-Kicks her gown when
she walks.-stiff in the back bone
when she sits down, and embarrassed
by her own legs when she gets up.
know the sort of girl, and ! detesi
her. If / could make her sweetheart
look at her with my unprejudiced
eyes, shall have accomplished my
object to my own entire satisfaction
This is, perhaps, not a gallant way oi
expressing myself. Never mind that
There is plenty of gallant writing a
the present time, for those who wsn1
to be fiattered. Let the women take
little rudeness now by way of {
change.
Would anybody think that l was
once lady's man? ] was,-and wha
is more, l was once in love, was once
anxious to be settled in life, was ono,
on the point of making an offer
had settled how to do it, when to de
it, where to do it. Not the slightes
doubt of success crossed my mind
l believed then, as believe now, tba
any man may win any woman, at any
time, and Under any circumstances
If had been rejected the first time
1 would have proposed again. If
had been rejected second time,
would have proposed again. III hao
been rejected third, fourth, fifth
and sixth time, l would have pro
posed again and again and again.
and / should have ended by carrying
my point. ] knew that, and, yet, al
the eleventh hour, shrank from ma
king nv offer. What altered my res
olution A book. Yes, q manual
which every shy young man is Sc
anxious to lay his hands on, was the
awful warning that stopped me in the
nick OF time, from the insanity ol
venturing in matrimonial specnla
ton. Listen:
1t was On a Monday morning that
first said to myself while shaving,
"I'll make that woman promise to
marry me On w Wednesday next,at from
half past one to quarter of two p. m y
Later in the day, friend came to see
me. He remarked the more thar
usual radiant and agreeable express
ion of my countenance.
"You look as if you were going Out
courtiDg," said he.
Il think of putting my foot in il
for the first time, on ednesday
next" said /.
"Would you object to my making
you little present ?" said he.
"No. l shouldn t." said l.
He took his leave. An hour after
wards, very small, very thin, very
square parcel arrived for me
Iopened it, and found book inside
called The Etiquette of CourtshiI
and Matrimony. l read the book OF
the spot. The effect of it was, first
to fill Inc with feelings of the deepes
gratitude towards the friend who hat
sent it to me as q joke; and secondly
to inspire me with such horror o
ICourtship and Matrimony, that l in
stantly gave up all idea of making ny
iproposed offer, and resolved 20 con
suit my own convenience, by preserv
ling a bachelors freedom TO the en'
of my days.
To state the proposition, generally