Mineral Point weekly tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1859-1868, 1868-01-29
Concerning Skating.
BY MARX Tw AIN.

"Oh go to sleep, you old fool !"
MIR. Twain, | am surprised and
grieved to"
Don't interrupt me, woman! l
tell you its absurd-vou learn to
skate You'll be wanting to play
fairy IN the Black Crook, next. |
tell you skating IS an accomplishment
suited only to youth and comline.s of
face and symmetry Of figure Moth
ing IS SO charming as to see beauti-
tul girl in the coquettish costume of
the rinks, with cheeks Rosy with e1er-
tion, and eyes beaming with excite
ment, skimming the ice like bird
and swooping down upon a group of
gentlemen, aud pretending she can't
stop herself, and landing in the arms
OF the very young man her father
dom / allow her to know-and darting
away again and falling on her head
and exposing herself-exposing her
self to remarks about her careless
ness, Madam-hold youit ongue-aud
always taking care to fall when that
young man IS by to pick her up It
i charming They look pretty and
Interesting, too, when they are lust
learning-when they stand still a long
time IN one place and then start one
foot gineerly, and it makes a break
for the other side of the pond and
leaves the balance Of the girl sprawl
ING on this side But YOU. You
look fat and awkward and dismal
enough at any time; and when Won
are on skates you waddie of as stuffv,
aud as stupid and ungainIy as a buz-
zard that's had half a horse for din
ner, | won't have it, Madam And
you get under little precarious head
way and then put your feet together
and drift along, STOPPING your head
and shoulders and holding out your
arms like YOU expected a church was
going to fall on you; it aggravates
the life out Of me. And Tuesday,
when | was ass enough to get on
skates myself, and kicked the Irish
Giant 5 eve out the first dash. and lit
on my head aud cracked the ice so
that it looked like the sun with all its
rays had dropped where | struck. and
they fined me ninety-two dollars
for running the mans pond. | was
terrified with the conviction that
had gone through to the inside Of the
world, because | saw the parallels of
latitude glimmcring around me and
what was it but you, in your awk-
warduess, fetching mp over me with
your confounded filters on ! You've
got to discard these things. can't
stand the pew rent, and | won't"
Mr.. Twain, | am sup"
Hold your clatter. ! tell you,
you shant bring odium upon the fam
lily by your disgraceful attempts to
skate, sprawling around with your
big feet like COW plowing her way
down hill in slippery weather. Nav
be you won't be 50 handy about dis
playing those feet Of yours if you
kner what happened when | took your
shoes down TO get mended"
"What was it? Tell me what it
was? Tell me what it was this min
ute? | just know it's one of your
lies"
oh don't mind it amt Of any
consequence 90 to sleep
But it IS Of consequence You've
got to tell me you shan't aggravate
me this way. | wont 90 to sleep till
| know what it was"
"Oh it wasn't anything"
"Mr. Twain, know better =
You're just doing this to drive me to
distraction. What did the shoemak-
er say about my shoe? ? What did he
do? Quick !"
Nv ell, if you must know he-he-
however, its Of no consequence.
"Mr Twain.h
Well, he-he took it and gazcd
upon it a long time in silence, and
burst into tears
Why, you born fooli Twain, are
you going stark, staring crazy y
He Just stood there and wept as
if his heart would break, poor devil.
There, now, let's go to sleep"
sleep, you lunatic I'll never
close nv eyes till | know what tha,
idiot was crying about-and you wont
either, [ can tell you that Come"
"Oh, it don't matter"
+ Mr.. Twain, if you say that again.
| Say Ill make YOU sorry for II :;
wha: was that uun bskull CRYING
.bou:?"