Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1868-02-06
The,o2eFabhfail.
THURSDAY. pEBRtk TsY q, 1868.
Concerning Skating.
curtain Lecture to Mrs. Mark Twaln'

'Oh, go to sleep you old fool"
"Mr Twain, I am surprised ant
grieved to-" NNE
Don't interrupt me, woman!
tell you it's absurd you learn tc
skate! You'll be wanting to play
fairy in the Black Crook next.
tell you skating is an accomplish
mept suited only to youth and come
illness Of face and symmetry of fig
ure. Nothing is so charming as tt
see beautiful girl, in the coquet
ish costume of the Kinks, with cheek.
ror tn exertion and eyes beamins
W.. excitement, skimming the. ict
like a bird, and swooping down mp
on a group of gentlemen, and, pre-
tending she can't step herself, anG
landing in the arms of the verJ
young man her father don't allow
her to know-and darting away
again. and falling on her head ant
exposing .herself-exposing herself
to remarks about her carelessness
madam-holL your tongue-and al
ways taking care to fall when that
young man is close by to pick 'hel
up. 1t is charming! They are pref
ty and interesting, too, when they
are just learning-when they stand
still fl long time in one place, and
then start one foot gingerly, and il
makes o break for the other side OF
the pond and leaves the balance OF
the girl sprawling on this sidel But
you-you look fat and awkard and
disma, enough any time; and when
you are Oh skates you waddle off as
stuffy and stupid and ungainly as a
buzzard that's had half a horse for
dinner. l won't have it, Madam.
And you get under little precar-
ious Roadway and then put your feet
together and drift along, STOPPING
your head and shoulders and hol-
ding your arms out like you expect
ed a church was going to fall on
you; it aggravates the life out Of mel
And Tuesday, when / was ass
enough to get on skates myself, and
kicked the Irish Giants eye out
the first dash, and lit on my head
and cracked the ice so that it looked
like the sun with all its rays dropped
out where ! struck. and they fined
me ninety two dollars for running
the mans pond. / was terrified with
the conviction that / had gone
through the inside of the world be-
cause / saw the parallels of latitude
glimmering all around me, and what
was it but you. in your awkwardness,
fetching over me with your "tilters"
on? You've got to discard those
things. / can't stand the pew-rent,
and won't"
mr.. Twain, l am surp--"
"Hold your clatter. / tell you
you SHAFT bring odium upon the
family by your disgraceful attempts
10 skate, sprawling around with your
big feet, like cow blowing her way
Down hill in slippery weather. May
be you wouldn't be so handy about
those feet of yours if you
knew what occurred when took
your shoes down to get mended."
"What was it? Tell me what it
was-tell me what it was this min
ute. / just know it's one of your
lies"
"Oh, don't mind; it amt Of any
to Sleep"
"But tits of consequence. You've
got te tell me; you shan't aggravate
me in this way; won't go to sleep
until you tell me what it was"
"Oh, it wasn't anything"
"Mr. Twain. l know better
You're just doing this to drive me
to distraction. What did that shoe
maker say about my shoe? What
die he do? Quick"
"Well if you must know, he-he-
however, it's of no consequence"
"Mr. Twain"
swell, he-took it and gazed a
long time upon it in silence, and put
his handkerchief to his eyes and
burst into tears"
"Why YOU born fool! Twain, are
you going stark, staring crazy?'
"He just stood there and wept as
if his heart would break, poor devil.
There now, let's go to sleep"
"Sleep, you lunatic! I'll never
close my eyes till ! know what that
idiot was crying about-and you
won't either, / can tell you that.
Gomez"
"Ohi 1t don't matter"
"Mr. Twain, if you say that again,
/ say III make you sorry for it; what
was that numskull crying about?" s
swell, he-he-"
"W-e-ll, he. Out with it. Dc
you. want me to-to-Twain. III
snatch them pet fringes off till the
side of your head is as bald as the
top of it,"
"Well, he-poor fellow.-hc said
he dotted on his grandmother-fairly
dotted on her. She had nursed him
you know, because his mother was
feeble, and so-Well, he came to this
country fifteen years ago, and frs
he set up in the vegetable line, ant
got along pretty well, and was abou
to send to England for the old lady
when hard times came, and he 60
broke. He went into fruit then, ant
after that into milk-into all sorts o
things, you know; but he got disap
pointed every time, till this presen
business fetched him out at last, al
right, and he sent right off for tn
old woman. She landed here fou
weeks, ago, but died the very sam
night It was hard, very hard, afte