Public ledger. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1865-1893, 1868-04-30
MARK TWAIN.
He Don't Give Satisfaction as
n Private Secretary.
From the Galaxy for May.l

senator any more now. held the berth
two months in security and in great
oheerfulness Of Esprit, but my bread began
TO return from over the waters, then
that is to say, my words came back and
revealed themselves l judged il best to
resign. The way of il was this. My
employer sent for me one morning toler-
able early, and, as soon as i had finished
inserting some conundrums clandes-
timely into bis last great speech upon
finance, entered the presence. There
was something portentious in his appear
ance. His cravat was united, his hair
was in q state Of disorder, and his coun-
tenance bore about il the signs of sup.
pressed storm. He held package OF
letters in his tense grasp, and l knew
that the dreaded Pacific mail was in.
He said: ga sT1al.r rtra.T
~ thought you were worthy of conf
said: "Yes, SIR"
He said: II gave you letter from
certain of my constituents in the State
Of Nevada, asking the. establishment Of
a postoffice at Baldwin's Ranch, and told
you TO answer it as ingeniously as you
could, with arguments which should per-
suade them that there was no real neces-
sity for an office at that place."
felt easier. "Oh, if that is all, sir,
/ did do that" ists.s sag al
"Yes, you did will read your an
swer, for your own humiliation:
"' WAsHINGros, November "a, 1867.
80 Messrs. Smith. Jones, and others;
"GENTLEMEN What the mischief do
you suppose you want with postoffice
at Baidwin's Ranch2 1t would not do
you any good. If any letters came there
you couldn't read them, you know; and,
besides, such letters as ought to pass
through with money in them, for other
localities, would not be likely to get
through, you must perceive at once, and
that would make trouble for us ALL No,
don't bother about a postofiice in your
camp. / have your best interests at
heart and feel that it Hould only be an
ornamental folly. Wh3 yeu want is a
nice Jail, you know-a nice, substantial
Jail and free school. These will be a
lasting benefit to you. These will make
you really contented and happy. l will
move in the matter at once.
"'Very truly, etc.,
taIa = ro +" MARX TWAIN.
"'For Jas. W. Nys, U. S. Senator
"That is the way You answered that
letter. Those people say they will hang
me if ever enter that district again and
| am perfectly satisfied they scill, too"
"Well, sir, did not know / was doing
any harm. i only wanted to convince
them" ........,re. tag-.. 60
"Ahl Well, you did convince them, I
make no manner of doubt. Now, here
is another specimen. l gave you petit
ton from certain gentlemen Of Nevada,
praying that / would get bill through
Congress incorporating the Methodist
Episcopal Church of the State of Nevada.
told you to say, in reply, that the crea-
ton of such law came more properly
within the province of the State. Legisla-
ture and to endeavor to show them that,
in the present feebleness of the religious
element in that new commonwealth, the
expodiency Of Incorporating the church
was questionable. What did you write :
"..wAsHMeroN, November "a. 1857.
q" Rev. John Halifax and others: 81
"GENTLEMES: You will have to 60 to
the State Legislature about that little
speculation Of yours-Congress don't
know anything about religion. But
don't you hurry to go there, either be-
cause this thing you propose to do out
in that new country isn't expedient-in
fact, it is simply ridiculous. Your re-
ligious people there are too feeble, in in
tellect, in morality, intpiety-in every
thing, pretty much. You had better
drop this-you- cant make it work,
You cant issue stock on an incorpora-
ton like that-or if you coulds it would
only keep you in trouble all the time.
The other denominations would abuse it,
and beat it, and sell it short, and
break it down. They would do with il
Just as they would with one of your silver
mines out thereAthey would try to
make all the world believe it was wild
cat You ought not to do anything
that is calculated to bring sacred thing
into disrepute. You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves-that is what Think about
it. You close your petition with the
words: And we will ever pray. 1 think
you had better-you need to do it.
"'MARk TWAIN,
"For James w, Nye, q. S. Senator
"That luminous epistIe finishes me
with the religious element among my
constituents. But that my political mur-
der might be made sure, some evil in
stinct prompted me to hand you this
memorial from the grave company OF
elders composing the Board Of Aldermen
of the city Of San Francisco, to try your
hand upon-a memorial praying that the
city's right to the water,lots upon the city
front might be established by law of
Congress. l told you this was dan
gerous matter to move in. told you to
write nom com initial letter to the Alder
men-an ambiguous letter-a letter that
should avoid, as far as possible, all real
consideration and discussion of the water
let question. If there is any feeling left
in you-any shame-surely this letter
you wrote, in obedience to that order,
ought to evoke it, when its words fall
upon your ears ..-
"' WAsHISeroN. Nov. q, 1857.
az The Honorable Board of Aldermen, etc.:
WGESTLENEH: George Washington,
the revered Father of his Country, is
dead. His long and brilliant career is
closed, alas forever. He was greatly
respected in this section Of the country,
and his untimely decease cast q gloom
over the whole community. he died on
the l4th day Of December, l79s. Ee
passed peacefully away from the scene
az his honors and his great achieve
....,. A.. ,,,ns. lamenfed fhero and the