The Wyandot pioneer. (Upper Sandusky, Ohio) 1853-1868, 1868-04-30


"Do you know, my poor dear
sir, thatyou are standing upon rocks
that are in a very slippery condi- 4
ton, while fiery pillows are rolling
in your immediate vicinity !''
Mr.. Pub.-"Bug." 4s ~
"Cry humbug, if you choose, my
friend; butt know you have ears,
and can hear. / tell you for the
I-hundredth time, the world is going
over. The world is like a huge
turtle. 1t has been a hard matter
to get it up to the turning point,
but it is about there, and now oyer
it goes with a ".fop. Is anybody
in the way upon the other side? If
there is, anybody had. better not be
there, that is ALL .s.. a.
Hoeing in my corn the other day,
I hoed out a cricket; q chicken near
by devoured the insect; that night
rat killed the chicken, and next
day my terrier killed rat. l shall
in all probability knock my terrier
on the head for some misdemeanor,
and then pipe out myself. So you
see there is an end to all things ex-
cept my wife's Sunday bonnets.
No end to them; no sir.
This is a highly civilized and en-
lightened country. There is , o
disputing that fact, and we must
stand up for it, or lay down our
civil and religious liberties. Ask
M Who 70 ry,,oc
ton? Pray, have not our institu
tions made us all we are? If it had
not been for our railroads and pat
ent flying MACHINES, who among us
would know how 70 flip corncake
or grease pewter platter? Look
back to our forefathers There
was no humbug about them. Even
the Indians did not know how to
drink whisky until an enlightened
people taught them. Who will say
this is not a highly civilized coun-
try? Echo answers-who? Dunno.
had dream the other night /
thought I went to the city, and all
was huDDuD ana bustle there. trains
of cars were whirling into the de-
pots from the east, New York and
elsewhere, full of people. These
Eastern chaps were in a tremen-
deus hurry. They had their carpet
sacks with them and were in ter
rible way to get over the river.
"Why," said I, "what's the mat
ter, where are you all going at such
break-neck speed p
@Matter," answered one, almost
breathless, "didn't you hear the
news %
NO" L replied, eve heard moth
ing special
"W ell, sir, the country has been
discovered. A lot of ships came
into New York a night or two ago,
ships as much larger than our ships,
as ours are larger than a yawl
These ships were manned with
giants, who came on shore, claim
ed the city by right of discovery,
and ordered us away. We pariey-
ed little, when they kicked ovel
some of our houses and acted in
such an outrageous manner that we
were glad to get away with ou1
lives. Why, sir, the smallest giant
among them could step from the
battery to Canal street at one step
One of. them stepped across the
East river and picked up the train
of cars that was bringing my family
and furniture (Boo hoe! !! and put
it in his pocket, and that was the
last of my dear ones. (Boo hoo y
Just here walked up and was re
!, joiced to find myself in my own bed
and the Gothamites still with 6
chance to make money by gambling
in Wall street, and then justifyine
} their easy consciences by sending
, Testaments to the South Seas
Good, pious New Workers; yor
: mend the matter hugely. Go OF
with your birds egging. You are
spreading the fame of this Chris
tian country.
Go bring me Hottentot until
: speak with him. All, here he comes
with his wife. s'Good morning
Mr., Hottentot. Warm day l sup
: pose you have come to a land O
, civil and religious liberty to exam
| inc our institutions. Sage thought
) We should ever look for wisdom il
place where it is hard to find
Here, just step to this window
Hist, don't be scared; that was
, only steam whistle. Now look
l quick. Whew! See that! No, /
! wasn't q snake nor a cannon-bal
: either; it was a train Of cars Thes'
t are very handy in country. w
} travel from city to city in them, g
, to dinner in them, and go to-wel
' any place we desire. How woult
5 you like to go a lick at that rate ?"
E ''Me send brudder''
/ "Send your brother, would you
t well that is not such bad idea, es
$ pecially if the 'govnor' is rich ant
e old ). but l have not told you Of th
advantages of civilized mode O
4 travel. You see we get into these
cars and away we go, q hundred
4 miles or less, while you would bt
l cutting a bamboo cane. Then if
: river lies in our way, and we hap
, pen to be a geologist, ten chance.
), to one We are permitted to explor
= the bottom of the stream at ou
s leisure, and who knows but that
e new species of mud turtle may We
S be discovered, and all through th
r politeness Of our common carriers
e And again, in regard to safety,
e would say, if a misquito or some
v thing puts e. sawlog on the tract,
I our institution, nothing daunted
n butts against it, which, in case of
cold day, turns to good also, 70
i the cars turn over, the stoves upset
Il and then comes q general warmin.