The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1868-09-03
How to See Niagara.
From the Chicago Times. ]


How to See Niagara.
From the Chicago Times.l
To see Niagara, you buy eleven silk
| dresses for your wife, and six shirts for
Yourself. You then get all the ready
| have, and make arrangements for un-
| limited credit at two or three good sol
vent banks. You then take six trunks,
some more money, . nurse, . colored
servant, sonie more money; and then At
| ter getting some more money, and ex-
| tending your credit at one or two more
strong banks, you set out. II is better,
if possible, just before you leave, to
mortgage your property and get some
more money. .
After setting there, your cheapest plan
will he to purchase q hotel, and car
riage and team. You can stay there q
week, and then give away the hotel and
carriage, and still make money by the
OPERATIONS.
If not Disposed to economy, you can
pursue tile ordinary lavish American
way of taking rooms ut q caravansary,
and paying for every thing ut the regu-
lar rates.
The first step in seeing Niagara Is to
dress your wife in one Of the most ex-
pensive suits. Yourself ditto. Your
wife then goes into the parlors on exhi-
| bition. You light cigar, go out on the
veranda, and put your heels high on
! a column. While your wife finds out If
any body has any more ex tensive clothes
than she, you occupy yourself in trying
to stare some woman QUIT counte-
nance.
As a general thing yo,r last effort
| viii be afailure.
Sometimes, after people have examin-
| ed each other for week or so, in the
parlors and ut the dinner table, thsy
| take a fancy to go out and look at some
water, which, at this place runs over a
| hill. This is not always done. Never
theless. when there is u hull in other af-
fairs, some of the more energetic visitors
go out aud visit the river.
The water falls over precipece at a
point some sixty feet from the rear Of the
, hotel. TO visit this remarkable phe-
uomenon you negotiate for barouche,
pair of horses and driver.
| TO get over this sixty feet, you get in
the carriage and are driven slowly down
| the river for three miles. This Is what
happened to me:
| When had been driven down the
| river three miles, the driver said We
were at the whirlpool. Paid him 81 for
the informs alton, and went down to see
the whirlpool.
You have All excellent view of the
| whirlpool from the top of the bank
But there are stairs which go down to
the water where the view is not half 3D.
good. owing to the iowness Of the situa-
ton. You can 20 down in half an hour
if you hurry. When you get down to
the bottom, you can see nothing, ana
therefore prepare to ascend.
1t is broiling hot, and an assent OF five
hundred steps stares you in the face.
When one reaches the top he has just
enough life in him to be able to read a
sign which has been hung up while he
| is away: lone dollar each to be appro-
priated for the benefit Of orphans.'
Nv representation to the young man,
that I am an orphan. produced no effect
1t was some other orphan that he labor
ed for. He wasan orphan OF about hfty
years. felt sorry for his motherless
condition.
There is another desolate orphan
there, who is armless, aud who Is bereit
of his parents at the tender age Of sixty
five. For being an orphan, and not
having any arms, he collects a dollar
from each yis:ter.
Paving the driver another dollar for
having waited on me, continued the
journey to the Falls. The next move in
getting to the Falls consists in driving
over to Canada. For the privilege of
going over to Canada, one pays a man q
dollar.
The Canadian journey to the Falls il
romantic and full Of incident You be.
| gin by paying something to woman
vino charges for passing her house.
The next view of the falls is blind
man with camera, you pay him some
thing. There is q legless man with a
prism, you pay him something.
Another fine view of the falls occurs
here. You pay man five dollars for a
photograph of yourself seated in your
carriage.
AS you drive along you obtain views
of the falls by disbursing at hotel for
lemonades, to another blind man, to an
Indian, to somebody who exhibits a
stuffed wild cat, to "A woman with fawns
to man with rocks, and some go or 20
others The regular minimum charge
for e..h is one dollar. ..;,.,
After havins paid these RESI-
charges the carriage goes back to the
hotel, and drives over to Go it isianu. -
There is a charge Of one dollar for going
OF Go il island.
The drive is fine one. Being COM
.pletely shat in with trees, it is cool and
shady. In the distance one catches
glimpses of water.
Returning to the hotel, after drive
of five hours, dismissed the carriage,
and then walked out on the back porch,
and, for the first time, got view of the
fails.
The next day I went under the falls
For going under the falls, you pay two
, dollars.
Going under the falls can be arranged
at home by beople who are not million
ares, and who cannot afford 10 visit Nj
} agara. To arrange it at home, a person
should array himself in charming oil
cloth suit. This done, let him have
servant screw hose OH a fire plug, an6
then play the stream full in his face
Let this be continued for full ten min
utes: after which, he should, to keel
up the imitation Of Niagara, pay the ser
want five dollars, and then commenc,
doctoring himself for the catarrh, !,
tremendous cold, and severe rheuma
, tism,
From what saw of the falls, shoult
} say that they are fine, and rathe
, wet,
: People who cannot afford to visit Nj
, agara can get up substitutes at home
which will differ in no essential partic