Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1868-11-26
AS ANADvERTIsING MEDIUM
Humorous Paragraphs.

Humorous Paragraphs.
An electricshoek-painful intelligence
by telegraph.
Why isa box on the ears like a hat?
Because it's felt.
To communicate with tha denizens Of
the deep-Drop line.
An obstinate man does not hold opin-
ions, but they hold him.
Woman shows her fondness for unity
by always wanting to be won.
Why is a windy orator like whale?
Because he often rises to spout.
Why is a carving knife like a pigs
tail? Becaused it's fourished over q
ham.
An auetioneer, however Pandsome, al
ways looks for bidding when conducting
sale.
The geological character of the rock
on which drunkards split is said to be
quartz.
When you call a man q "wooden-
head" do you mean he is chip ofthe
old block? ~l-
The bent of fashionable woman's
mind and body too, just at present, is the
Grecian bend.
Ten of Brigham Young's wives are
named Amy, and Brigham's 'sgreat weak
ness is polyg-amy.
"Well, wife, you can't say 1 ever con-
tracted bad habits" ''No sir, you gen.
orally expanded them"
A surprise wedding is when a man
marries woman he doesn't know, and
wishes he had never known.
The following is probably the worst
conundrum ever perpetrated. Why is
dogs tail like an old man? Because il
is in-irm. f-
Why should the sea make better
housekeeper than the earth? Because
the earth is exceedingly dirty, and the
sea is very Tidy.
BEFORE AND AFTER Women before
they get married want nothing but hus-
bands, when they get them they want
everything else. -+ -
Why is man who hesitated to sign
the pledge like sceptical Hindoo? be-
cause he doesn't know whether to give
up the jug or not.
A sailor in attempting to kiss pretty
girl got a violent box on the ear
"There,n he exclaimed, sjust my luck;
always wrecked on the coral reefs.n
An eccentric clergyman lately said in
one of his sermons that about the COM
monest proof we have that man is made
of clay, is the brick so often found in his
hat
A highly educated constable some
where in the Northwest, exposes for
sale a roam horse, ''or so much thereof as
may be necessary" to satisfy the judg-
ment.
An incorrigible loafer, being taken to
task for his laziness, replied: 81 tell you,
gentlemen, you are mistaken: have
not a lazy bone in my body; but the fact
is, was born tired!"
At the Massachusetts cattle-sbow, the
other day, a gentleman, who probably
does not read the Revolution, gave the
T, flowing toast: 1.-THE Coming Woman:
may it bea long time before she arrives"
A clergyman happened to get wet,
was standing over the fire to dry his
clothes, and when his colleague camein,
was wet. No, sir, 1 thank you, was the
ASPiyS PANoSh yO.-SN--t y =
be dry enough in the pulpit
A couple of gentlemen, observing
pretty rough-lookiDg old customer lean
ing against post, much under the in
fiueuce of tarantula, made bet as to his
politics: Approaching him, one Of them
said: 'tHow do you stand, I'm lie? You
are Democrat, are you not?'' Dem
ocrat! admit the symptoms; but, if
know myself, I'm on ozzer side"
The following colloquy is reported
among the Varieties of the National
Baptist, of Philadelphia: Baptist Broth
er-I don's like your Church govern
ment 1t ISN'T simple enough. There's
too much machinery about it. Method
ist Brother-It is true, we have more
than you; but then, you see,
it don't take near so much water to run
it. ti 5ls--
A shepkeeper purchased of an Irish
woman quantity of butter, the Jumps
of which, intended for pounds, he weigh
ed in the balance and found wanting
Sure it's yer own fault if they are
light" said Biddy, in reply to the COM
pliments of the buyer, tits yer own
fault, sir; for wasn't it with a pound of
yer own soap / bought here that Iweish-
ed them?"
A bright little boy of Lewiston hiss
best expressed the utter hopelessness OF
the democratic future. He was asked
Dy lady If he studied hard at school,
AMI replied that he did not hurt himself
much at it. ''Oh,n said the lady, you
must study hard or you will never be
President of the United States.n "Yes
he replied. ''but don't expect
% be; am a democrat.h
At a Paris theater they were playing
sensational drama. The whole audience
istened anxiously and breathlossly. =
,outh saved his mother who was about
o tumble headlong down a precipice,
which caused general emotion, and
obs innumerable. Just then the atten-
ion of the whole house was directed TO
he gallery, where sat a mother and her
on, the former of whom administered a
ound cuff which was followed by an ir-
epressible bawl. why didn't yOusdo
s much for me, BOBBY, when your sot of
father tried TO throw me out Of the
Tindow2''
The following recipe is claimed to be
n unfailing remedy, and has been tried
With success in two instances where SOL