The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1868-07-02

said, pretty loudly aud9n atOne OF great
disgust: These drunken fellows nevef
hurt themselves; mores thek pity" Wl
struck me, on hearing this rematk, that
Perkins was alihle intoxicated, and that I
had better see him home at once, l said
as much TO the Walters, who wermly. ap-
| plauded my DESIGN, and helped me to assist
Perkins into the street.
Curiously enough, I remember little
about the remaining occurrences of that
evening, except that we found great diff
Guilty in walking together, arm in arm, from
which circumstance / conclude that Per
kins must have been very drunk. | have a
dim recollection, too, Of our having anoth-
en- bottle at his rooms, and of his frequent
" presenting me with what he called a
"burgl'arm'm boy, from which j also con
clude that he must have been very drunk.
indeed. when l left him. When Iawoke
in the morning, 1t was at my favorite hotel,
and the FIRST object that greeted my gaze
was a collection Of six burglar-alarms care
fully deposited in my hat which stood near
me on the table. Clearly Perkins had
been warmed by wine to unwonted gene
rosity.
My wife greeted me rather coldly when I
reached home, and informed me that she
was still alive, though it was a mercy that
she had MT been killed in her bed, for a
Schoon's house, which stood quite near to
ours, had been broken into and robbed the
night before. .l De-
Moreover, she said that she had written
that morning TO Aunt Jane, inviting her to
come and spend o few weeks with us. Il
suppose that You won't object 10 my hay
ing some one at home with me these long
evenings, while you are away at your din-
ners,' she added, in conclusion.
What was already lone was then past re-
medy Through I had always believed
Aunt Jane 10 be the most oppressive of old
maids, / felt that Il was now useless toiob-
ject 10 her coming. aud then, perhaps, af-
ter all, she might not prove wholly unend-
uruble on q closer acquaintance. I there
fore consoled myself by repeating the an
cient adages concerning the i~nutility OF
%lamenting over split cats, and the posi-
bility that singed milk might prove better
than it looked-and acquiesced in my wife's
programme. 'As 10 burglars, D remarked
to her, you need feel no further alarm,
for / have an invention here that viii rem
der us perfectly safe against attack" SO
saying, l showed her one Of the alarms md
loading it, requested her to watch its opera
ton. ...fs
Carefully placing it over the door of the
room, while ClemontinaS shrank rs far away
from it rs possible, and intrenched herself
behind a rocking-chair, 1 went out through
another door. and returning, carefully open
ed the door whore the alarm was placed
Initiating rs closely as | could the eau
tious softness Of q professional robber. I
opened the door little by little, until the
opening was vide enough for me to enter,
which l did, and then discovered the alarm
still resting on the top of the door. This
was annoying, especially as my wife APP
peared TO regard 1t as O Joke, Qnd began to
laugh in a very inconsidcmts manner. De-
terminod not TO be easily discouraged. |
told her that 1 had not arranged it proper
ly, but that the ne1 time il could not fail
to explode. Repeating my burglarious ex-
pertinent, I was delighted to find the alarm
fall heavily TO the floor. "Is that all the
noise it makes" cried my wife. ''Why,
that never could wake you up; You SHORE
louder than that
IF you please, my dear, - rephed-'I
do not snore. The alarm did not explode
that time, owing to the way in which It was
placed If you wish to laugh, do so by all
means though l cannot see anything to
laugh at"
That excellent woman Immediately be-
came serious and sympathetic, and advised
me to make a third trial, which 1 did with
great success; the three barrels going of
simultaneously with u report that Jared
the window-trames. l was quite elated
with my final success, but concluded not 10
use the alarm again, until / should have
learned how to render its explosion a GER
tainly.
Aunt JAM arrived IN a few DAYS with a
small warehouse in the shape ofa trunk,
that indicated a long visit. For the first
few days / found her not wholly unendur-
able; but before a week had passed | was
constrained 10 admit, that on the whole,
she was Il less desirable article in the house
hold than must have been the famous box
Of Pandom.
She was a prey to the delusion that she
was responsible for the government of the
entire world. Consequently, she insisted
upon reading my morning paper-which /
like 10 find fresh and damp-before | could
see 1t; and then retailed the political arti-
Giles TO me with inane comments other own,
during the whole Of the breakfast hour.
Then, too, my morals were her especial
charge. Did / not go to church twice every
Sunday and attend half a dozen other ser
vices during the week, it was plain 10 see
that she regarded me as one who was walk
ing the broad road TO imminent dertruc-
ton. | like occasionally 10 take my wife 10
the play; but Aunt Jane once made a few
remarks Of an hour or two in length CON
corning the theatre, that made me feel at
once the utter impossibility Of even allud-
ing to the subject in her presence. So,
too, with cards. Why, one evening when
l had invited wilkins and his wife to come
out to our place expressly to play a quiet
rubber, my wife took me aside and begged
me with tears in her eyes, not to mention
whist in Aunt James presence. OF course
/ had to promise not to allude 10 cards, and
OF course l could make no possible ~explana-
ton 70 Wilkins, who has never understood
or forgiven the affair TO this day.
But | could have pardoned any of her
peculiarities sooner than her inordinate
and aggrayating proneness 10 depreciatory
snltis. Her usual form of closing an argu-
ment with me, in which she had been
worstedi or of ending an unavoidable COM
menl upon my character and conduct, was
a contemptuous sniff For example she
would remark: 'Your neighbors the Smiths.
l see, %disapprove OF cards; out you"-(sniff)
Or: "Charles, my name is Charles)-"I
presume you have read DIR. Sleeper's sermon
on The Theatre the Synagogue Of Satan.
Did i understand you to say that Won had
not?-Indeedp (sniff) Naturally, there
was but one possible construction 20 be put
upon this unpleasant practice of Aunt
James, and that was that she intended
thereby TO express her strong disapproba-
lon OF my conduct. / am perhaps a ner-
vous man but at all events, 1 grew so ex-
cessiyely nervous by reason of this perpet-
ual smiling, that life was fast becoming a
burden TO me. One day / had the boldness
10 remark-being rendered quite desperate
You know, / presume, Aunt Jane, that
OF Dickens characters says, children
VINO sniff before company never go 10 heav-
9enr But the quotation fell harmless
rom the impenetrable armor of my cunts
'elt-complacency. Dickens, | believe"
she replied with cold severity, lis the man