The New Orleans crescent. [volume] (New Orleans, La.) 1866-1869, 1868-02-09
On Skates.
A CERTAIN LECTURE TO MRS. MARX TWAIN.

CERTAIN LECTURE TO Mrs. MARX TWAIN.
"Oh, go to sleep, you old fooll"
"Mr. Twain, am surprised and grieved to-
Don't interrupt me, woman! tell you us
absurd-you learn 10 skate You'll be wanting
to play fairy in the Black Crook next. tell you
skating is an Accomplishment suited only to youth
and cOmeliness of face and symmetry OF figure.
Nothing is so charming as to see beautiful girl,
in the eoquettsh costume OF the Kinks, with
cheeks rosy with excrtion and eyes beaming with
excitement, skimming the ice like a bird and
swooping down upon group OF gentlemen
and pretending she can't stop herself and landing
in the arms Of the very young man her father
don't allow her TO know-and dartIng away again
and falling on her head and exposing herself-sx-
posing herself to remarks about her careless
ness, madam-hOld your tongue-and always
taking care to fall when that young man
is close by TO pick her up. 1t is charming. They
look pretty and interesting, too, when they are
just leaTDng-when they stand still long time
in one place. and then start one foot gingerly aud
1t makes break for the other side of the pond
and leaves the balance Of the girl SPRAYING Oh
this side. But you-you leok tat aud awkward
and dismal enough any time, and when you are
on skates you waddle of as stuny and stupid and
ungainly buZzlrd that's had half a horse for
dinner. / won't have it. madam. And you get
under a little precarious Roadway and then put
your feet together and drift along, stopping your
head and shoulders aud holding your arms out
ike you expected church was going to fail on
you, it aggraEates the life out of me Aud Tues
day, when was ass enough to get on skates my
self, and kicked the Irish giants eye out the first
dash, and Int on my head and cracked the ice so
that it looked as if the sun with all its rays had
dropped where | struck and they fined me ninety
two dollars for running the mans pond, was ter
rifed with the conviction that had gone through
to the inside of the world, because saw the pa
rallels of latitude glimmerng all around me and
what was it bat you, in your awkwardness. fetch
ing up over me with your filters" on? You've
got to discard those things. | can't stand the
pew rent, and won't.
Mr.. Twain, | am sure"
Hold your clatter. ltell you, you shan't bring
0dium upon the femily by your disgracelul at
tempts TO skate SPRAYING around with your big
feet like COW blowing her way down hill in
slippery weather. May be you wouldn't be so
handy about displaying those feet of yours If you
knew what occurred when | took your shoes down
TO get meneed."
what was il? Tell me what it wss-tel me
what it was this minute. just know it's one OF
your lies"
Oh, don't mind it amt of any consequence
60 to sleep"
But it is Of consequence. You've got to tell
me you shant sggTavate me IN TINS Wayj /
won't 60 to sleep until you tell me what 1t was"
ooh, it wasn't any thing"
"Mr. Twain, know better. You're just doing
this to drive me TO distraction. What did that
shoemaker say about my shoe? What did he do,
Quick!"
Well, if you must know. he-he-he-hoW-
ever, it's of no consequence"
- Mr. TWAIN"
"Wen, be-he took it and gazed upon II long
time in silence, and put his handkerchief to his
eyes. and burst into tears"
d" Why you born fool Twain, are you going
stark staring cTaZy!'
"He just Stood there aud wept as if his heart
would break, poor devil! There now, let's go to
sleep" -,..-.
till know what that idiot was crying abOut-lnd
you won't either, can tell you that. COmen
"Oh, il don't matter.n
"Mr. Twain, if you say that again, 1 say I'll
make you sorry for it. What was that numskul
crying about"
"W.e-e-l, he. Out with it, Do you want me
to-to-Twain. I'll snatch them pet fringes of
I'll the side Of your head is as bald as the top
OF it."
"WeI he-poor fellow--he said he dotted on
her. She had nursed him, you know, because,his
mother was feeble, and So. Well, he came to
this country fifteen years ago, aud first he set up
in the vegetable line, and got along pretty we'll,
and was shout to send to England for the old lady.
when hard times came and he got broke. lie
went into fruit then, and after that into mik-into
all sorts Of things, you know; but he got dsap-
pointed every time till this present business
fetched HIM out at last all right, and he sent right
of for the old woman. She landed here four
weeks ago, but died the very same night. II was
hard very hard, after all his waiting and tOiling
for fifteen years to get her over here at last and
have her die on his hands. He-he-well, he was
Disguised. However, he laid her out, and he and
his friends sat up with her, and by and by the
memory Of her virtues softened his bitterness and
turned IL 10 tender grief-a settled melancholy
that hung about his spirits like a pail for many
days. However, by patiently striving to keep
sad thoughts out of his mind, he was finally be-
ginning TO regain some little Of his old time cheer
iuness, when your shoe reminded him 80 pain
fully OF bis poor santed grandmOthers coiin-."
Take that, you brute, and If you dare to come
back here III kick you out again. You degraded
old rufiian!'