Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-05-01
wise ana <rwise.

Wise nndOtheryvtse.
Dearer than life-Fashionable
funerals.
The first "Bus in America
4 The hog may not be thoroughly
I posted IN arithmetic, but when you
come tosquare root, he Is there-the
hog 10 " y ~ -
1t is said that when Russian hus-
band neglects to beat his wife for q
month or two, she begins to be
4 alarmed at his Indifference.
The young lady who sang wish
somebody would come" has had
her desire gratified. Eleven country
cousins have arrived and intend to
stay all summer.
81 am sstonished, nay dear young
laey, at the sentiments YOU express
you make me start. "Wel1, sir,
I've been waiting for you to start for
the last hour"
A writer thinks much might be
gained ifspeakers in prayer and con-
ference meetings would observe the
millers creed-"always shut the gate
when the grist Is out"
WITTY say lngs AREAS easy lost as the
pears off O broken string; but word
of kindness is seldom spoken in vain.
1t is q seed which, even dropped by
chance, springs up lovely flower.
Fowl culture is receiving attention
In New Jersey. I've got a henery,
lately said a great lady to her cousin.
"Dear me,p said the cousin II
thought his name was Charles W
Fast horses soon tire, and fast
young men are good deal like
them. The youth that "Goes II
strongn at twenty, will find himself
ut forty-five with tombstone grow
ing out of head.
HYDRoPETHY.,-A Massachusetts
,school ma'aml has adopted a new and
novel mode of punishment. If the
boys disobey her rules she stands
them on their heads and pours water
down their trowsers' legs.
Bound TO Ger THE COOP OF IT,
A mile or so from town a man met a
boy on horse back crying with cold.
why don't you get down and lead
the horse 2" said the man, that's the
way to get warm"
"Its a BIB borrowed horse, and TIL
ride him If f-ffreeze" whimpered
the boy.
SUITED TO The PLACE.-Punch IL
Illustrates plump youngster apply
ing for the place of page, to whom
the mistress says, al wish my serv-
ant to have plenty, but / don't allow
any waste" Page-"Oh, no mum
which I'd eat and drink till busted,
mum, rather than waste anything,
mum 90 5I
AT q ball in Boston, recently, a
lady tainted, when the attentive jan
itor rushed for his camphor, with
which the lady's face was thorough
ly bathed until she recovered. Then
1t was assertained that the camphor
had been taken from a bottle of mu-
cilage, and the lady felt too much
"stuck up" to stay any longer.
You folks who allow your books
and bibles to become widowed by
non use, will thank us for telling you
how to keep the blight off. You can
keep 1T from fastening on your bibles
by reading them as often as you
ought to; and as for your other
books, all that is necessary to pre-
vent them from becoming SO marred,
Is to lightly wash the books Of the
covers with spirits of wine, using a
goose quill feather as a brush.
In THE cara farmer who had
employed a green Emeralder, order
ed him to give the mule some corn in
the ear. On his coming In, the
farmer asked: We'll, Mike, did you
give the mule some. eorn?p ITO be
sure / did, How did you give it p
And sure, as We told me, i'm the ear,
How much did you give? Well
you see, the crather woulden,t hold
still, and kept switching his ears
about so l could get but q handful In
both ears
ANCESTRAL PRIDE.-We can't
help admiring the filial sensitiveness
and pride of parent who was once
Gliding his own son for stay-
ing out at night--or rather early
of next norning-and said; "Why.
when / twas of your age, my father
would not allow me to 20 cut of the
house after dark "Then you had q
gay old father, you had - sneered the
young profigate. .Whereupon the
father very quickly vociferated: at
had COMPOUNDED sight better father
than you have, you young rascal
swell, "said Mr.. Greeley. recent
ly, "I'll tell you what think about
impeachment. / heard of a tavern
keeuer's bill once that illustrated il.
A4lest gotdrunk Z smashed the fur
nitufe, broke the dishes, kept all the
servants waiting on him, and all the
inmates of the hotel awake with his
howiings. When he came to leave,
his bill was handed in:
To two days board % On
TO raising hell generally ..................5 80 90
Total. ...,.....................,,..,.s $50 90
"I think that's about the view the
American people take of our present
account against A. johnson. ~ !.
A PRACTICAL SUGGEsTIoN--Th
other day, some one arose in the
Chicago noon Ipraper meeting and
stated that the Erring Women's
Refuge in that city was in
great need, and asked the prayers of
the meeting in its behalf. One of
the richest citizens, is believed to be
somewhat minute i'm his contribu-
lions to benevolent objects, volun-
teered at once to lead the meeting in
prayer in behalf of the institution
named. He had scarcely closed,
when the eccentric ID. l.. Moody got
TO his feet, and said that il was
wrong for US to ask God to do what
he had given US the power to do our
selves. 1.-THE idea" said he, s'for a
man who can draw a check for a
hundred dollars asking God to give
money to the Erring Women,s Ref
uge Is preposterous Let him give it
HIMSELF
"a GAL BABY AT THAr.n-To de-
sire change in sex is not commonly
considered a manly aspiration; to
weep ab0uti it seems ludicrous. Yet
the thing has been done, and on the
tented field. In the very fiercest of
the battle at Malvern Hill, Gen. Lee
encountered tall Johnny Reb. in full
retreat, and blubering fearfully. He
stoppedhim and shamed him but the
fellow openly avowed cowardice, and
said he new he was a coward when