davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

Jox says that if a man feels much like
getting married, yer lIles--- L4a-e,,,s,l4 Tl'JU
to the best remedy he knows is to help one
Of his heighbors to move a house full of
furniture-borrow about nine Of his children
and hear them cry. If that fails, build up
fire of damp wood and when the smoke in
the room is thickest, hire woman to scold
him about four hours. If he can stand all
these, he had better get married the next
day-give his wife the pants and be the 81
lent partner" in the great firm Of matri-
mony. The remedy is severe. but as every
man is liable to these things after he yokes
himself, it would do no harm to try it before.
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

THE REASON. AT certain college, the
senior class was under examination for de-
crees. The professor of natural philosophy
was hadgering in optics. The point under
Illustration was that, strictly and scientiti-
cally speaking, we see no objects. but their
images depicted on the retina. The worthy
professor, in order to make the matter
palmer, said to the wag of the class. Mr..
jackson, did you ever actually see your
father 2" Bill replied promptly, No, sir. .
Please explain to the committee why. you
never saw your father. Because. re-
piled Mr.. jackson, very gravely, he died
before | was born, sir.
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

s. T. RUSSELL --.-s-.--d- ~ n r.
II USSELL 4 LONGENECKER,
n ATToRyEYs 6 COUSsELLoFs IT Law,
Bedford. Pa.
VIII attend promptly and faithfully 70 all bgsi-
ness entrusted to their care. Special attention
given 70 collections and the prosecution OF claims
for Back Pay, Bounty, Pensions, DC
rs-Omce on Juliann street, south Of the Court
H6uzs. Apri5lyr
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

HAYES IRVINE,
II ATTORNEY AT LAW,
viii faithfully and promptly attend to all busi-
ness intrusted to bis Office with g. Il. spang,
Es4. on JuGana street, three doors south Of the
Men,e House. May 2i:ly
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

Al. A. POINTS,
III ATTORNEY AT Law, BEDFORD, PA.
Respectfully tenders his professional services
20 the public. Office with J. VI. Lingenfelter,
Ega.. on Public Square near Lutheran Church.
1-Coueetions promptly made lDec.9, '64-tf
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

e MT. SHARPE ..--..'E' p EEEH
C,HARPE 4 KERR,
y ATTORNE YS-AT-LAW ".
VIII practice in the Courts Of Bedford and ad-
Joining counties All business entrusted 70 their
care viii receive careful and prompt attention.
Pensions, Bounty, Back Pay, &c, speedily col
lested from the Government.
Otiec on Juliana street, opposite the oanAlng
house Of Reed i Schell. Bedford, Pa mar2;u
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17
RATKs o. ApYERTIaTNa.

All advertisements for less than mo1ths 19
cents per line for each inssrtion. Special notices
one-half additional All reaoluti0ns Of Associa-
ton, communications Of limited or individal
interest and notices Of marriages and deaths, ex-
cccdilg FIVE lines, 10 ctz per line All legal noti
ees Of every kind, and all Orphans Court and
other Judicial sales are required BY law 10 be pub
lished in both papers. Editorial Notices is cents
per line. All Advertising due after frat insertion.
a liberal discount made % yearly adYertisers.
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17
Z B. sTUCKEY,

L B. STUCKEY,
ATTORNEY ANU COUNSELLOR AT Law
and REAL ESTATE AGENT,
Office on Main Street, between Fourth and Fifth,
Opposite the Court House,
KANSAS CITY. MISSOURI
Win practice in the adjoining Counties Of Mis-
raF.ri and Kansas. July l2:tf
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

B. = v. pINAII.9ON
EFLYERs & DICEERSON,
I'VE ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
BEDFORD, PESN'As
Omss nearly opposite the Neagel House, viii
practice IL the several Courts Of Bedford county
Pensions, bounties and back pay obtained and the
purchase Real Estate attended 20. [ray 66-ly
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

TRUE goodness is like the glow-worm; i
shines most when no eyes, except those O
heaven, are upon 1t,
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17
3rpftg6ioual 4 2asiaess Cards.
ATTORNEYS At LAW.
= ' = ATTORNEY. .AT-LAw.

Sa-, Ofice opposite Reed Seheli's Bank
Counsel given in English and German. Lapl26-
Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1868-04-17

BEDFORD. Pa FRIDAY. April. II. 1868. "
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24
The VENUS DE MEDIc1s AND SMALL

The VENUS DE MEDIcIs AND SMALL
WAIsrs.-As the proportions of the
Venus de Medicis are accepted as the
standard of perfection, if any lady who
knows her own hight wishes to learn
how much her slender waist lacks of the
exact circumference which beauty of
proportion demands she has only to d.
vide her own height into seven equal
parts; three of these parts will make
the exact size which her waist ought to
be-but of course Is not. The Venus
de Medicis is FIVE feet two inches in
height. All the dimensions of the torso
of the human body are greater from
side to side than from front to back.
The smallest diameter of the waist of
the Venus, or that from front to back,
is 7 1.2 inches, and the larger diameter
9 "a inches. If, now, an oval be struck,
having for its larger diameter 9 3-4
inches, and for its smaller 7 IA inches,
the periphery or circumference of this
oval will measure twenty-seven inches
that is, for all practical purposes,
three-sevenths of five feet two inches,
her height. Astounding reflection to
wasp.waisted beauties, consoling to the
too plump, and worth remembering by
thoughtless girls aud unwise women,
when they are using compression in
furious to their health and their brains
for the latter does not escape the i'll
effects of impeded circulation and Or
gans out of place.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

The LANGUAGE OF THE EYEs.-It
has often been said that woman with
a hazel eye never elopes from her hus-
band, never chats scandal, never sacri-
fees her husbands comfort for her own,
never finds fault, never talks too much
or too little, and is always an entertain.
ing agreeable and lovely companion
ave never knew" said a brother quill
driver, "but one uninteresting and un-
amiable woman with a hazel eye, and
she had a nose which looked, as the
Yankee says, like the sharp end Of
nothing Whitfield down to a point" y
The gray eye is the sign of shrewdness
and talent. Great thinkers and cap
tains have it. In women it indicates a
better head than heart. The dark hazel
is nobler in significance as in beauty.
The blue eye admirable, but feeble
The black eye! Look out for the wife
with black eye! Such can te seen al
most daily at the police Office, generally
with a complaint against the husband
for assault and battery.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

which Bill had described was truly a
sickening one. The devils were dane
ing over the dead bodies, while their
yeIls were fearful. They had already
set fire to the building, and this was an
evidence that they we're about to leave
it. Then we plainly heard Bloody Ryan
say: "Only Katie and her children
shall 60 with us-the others may burn
here alive"
"Do you here that ?" whispered Bill.
!" Stand by the windows and the door
Pick your men, aud then fire. Don't
waste a shot, and be careful and don't
bit me-"
Even before any answer could be
given, the brave mau had leaped into
the very centre of the apartment. At
first the Indians were surprised, and
their voices died out. But they recog.
nized their enemy, and one of the most
unearthly yells that ever saluted my
ears burst from their lips At the same
time dozen knives, already dripping
with blood, sprang from their scabbards
and we're lifted up ready to strike But
Bills revolvers we're ready, and they
were used with terrible effect. At the
same time half-a-dozen of our number
sprang through the door and fired, while
as many shots came through the win
dows. The result was as might have
been expected. Every savage fell with
a howl of agony, some of them killed,
but others only wounded. Among
these the most 6endish spirit was dis
played, for they struggled forward, try
ing to reach Bill with their knives, and
some of them hurled these weapons,
while it required all the agility Of their
enemy to avoid the blows.
The women and children were re.
moved from the building, and then the
dead bodies of the murdered white
men. But Bill would not permit the
savages to be touched. They had light
ed the fire which was now too far ad.
vanced to be extinguished. They had
intended that helpless women and chill
dren should perish in the flames, and
this must be their fate now. Their
yells were pitiful, but Bill would not
melt. He watched the burning mass
until it was level with the earth, and
all was silent. Bill was avenged. 1t
was terrible vengeance, but one justly
merited by those whose lives had been
SO replete with crime and bloodshed.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

Coop SPELLING.-A pious but illit-
crate deacon, in certain town in Mas
sachusetts, gave stage driver slip Of
paper, upon which, he said, were writ.
ten the names of couple of books be
wished him to call for at book store.
The driver called at the store, and,
handing the memorandum to the clerk,
said, "There is couple of books which
Deacon B. wished you to send him. "
The clerk, after careful examination
of the paper, was unable to make "head
or tail" Of it, and passed it to the book.
keeper, who was supposed to know some.
thing of letters, but to him it was also
"Greek." The proprietor was also call
ed and be also gave it up in despair,
and it was finally concluded best
to send the memorandum back to the
deacon. 1t was supposed be must have
sent the wrong paper. As the coach
arrived at the village inn the driver saw
the deacon standing on the steps
swell, driver" said he, "did you
get my books to.day?"
Books, no; and good reason why,
for there couldn't man in Worcester
read your old hen tracks,
"Couldn't read writin? Let me see
the paper"
The driver drew it from his pocket
and passed it to the deacon, who, TAX
ing out and carefully adjusting his
glasses, held the memorandum at arms
length, and exclaimed, as be did so, in
a very satisfied tone
"Why, it's plain as the nose OF your
face. To Sam B-u-x'-two psalm
books guess his clerks had better
60 to school quarter"
And here the deacon made some re.
fections upon the ignorance of the times,
and the want of attention to books by
the rising generation, which would
have been all very well if said by some
one else.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

PoLITIcs AT the CoLLEGE.-The
following is taken from the Oakland
Ne,us:
A few days since the students at the
College of California organized Grant
and Colfax Club, and elected the fol.
lowing officers: President, c. w. An
thony; Vice President, j. R Reddick;
Secretary, D. T. Fowler; Treasurer,
N. D. Arnold, Jr.; Marshal, Samuel M.
Reddington; Chairman of the Execu-
tive Committee, e. B. Lerrned. All the
students at the College who are entitled
to vote at the approaching Presidential
election are Republicans. This may be
taken as an indication that q thorough
education is of the greatest danger to
the modern bogus Democracy.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

SURPRIsED.-One of the s'broad"
style of Western men said that nothing
surprised him 60 much as to see the
New England farmers "boring holes in
the rocks with ginlets to put in their
grain. Why, out West" he added,
i've put the grain on a table and fan it
and it comes up all around"
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24
NEVER.

A melancholy child of grief
With bright hopes dimmed forever
Thus sadly sought, not found relief,
From blighting. blighting never;
"There is no endless never here, t..
Earth's never is not never;
Each vanished joy will reappear,
And bliss in heaven forever"
Such hope though sweet is sadly false,
There is an earthly never;
Some joys are only tasted here,
And last and last forever.
Some hideous sins are sinned on earth,
That cease to curse US never,
Some lfe-enduring griefs have birth
That murder hope forever.
Along life's thorny, crooked way,
How many nevers grieve us!
Fate takes our living friends away,
And deaths fierce shafts bereave us;
Each year we take our weeping leave
Of precious hopes long cherished;
Each evening digs the gaping grave
Of morning blessings persisted.
All. sad the stricken, sorrowing heart,
Though hopes of heaven may fill it,
That daily feels the palsying smart
Of griefs that daily kill it!
All weary is the longing soul,
Though heaven at last may bless it,,
That hungers still for earthly bliss,
Yet never may possess it
To sorrows, too. we bid adieu,
To pain and pleasure blending.
Each passing day brings evils new,
And each makes evils ending.
'Tis s'never" wakes the sweetest thoughts
Or starts regrets the saddest;
1t walls in hell's most doleful note.
And rings in heavens gladdest.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24
JOB PRINTING
All kinds of JOB WORK executed with
neatness and dispatch. and on moderate term

@- From and after this date all Sheriffs
Constables' and other legal sales. advertised,
in the CHRONICLE, must be paid for on the
day Of sale, punctually. We hold none but
the officers responsible for their payment.
rs Transient advertisements must be paid
In advance Job-work paid on delivery, in
Udri0biy.
~ All regular advertisers will be requi'
red to settle on the first of every month. OuI
city advertisers will be required to pay uI
every three months.
@r Advertisements will becontinued unit
ordered out and collection enforced. All ad
vertsements should have marked upon then
the number of insertions required.
@- There will be no deviation from thu
above established terms and rules Of business
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24
AGAIN :?

Oh. sweet and fair oh, rich and rare!
That day SO long ago,
The Autumn sunshine everywhere,
The heather all aglow,
The ferns were clad in cloth of gold,
The waves sang on the shore;
Such suns will shine, such waves will sing
Forever, evermore.
Oh, fit and few oh, tried and true
The friends who met that day,
Each one the others spirit knew;
And so in earnest play
The hours flew past, until at last
The twilight kissed the shore;
We said, "Such days shall come again
Forever, evermore."
One day again, no cloud of pain
A shadow DER us cast,
And yet we strove in vain, in vain,
To conjure up the past;
Like but unlike the sun that shone,
The waves that beat the shore,
The words we said, the songs we sung.
Like, unlike evermore.
For ghosts unseen crept in between.
And. when our songs flowed free,
Sang discords in an undertone,
And marred the harmony.
1.-The past is ours, not yours" they said |;
1.-The waves that beat the 81 ore,
Though like the same, are not the same,
Oh b! never, nevermore!
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

THE Philadelphia Press says that
"Washingtou fought and won the bat
ties of the Revolution, and was made
President. jackson fought and won
the battles of the second war of Inde-
bendence, and was made President.
Taylor foughta and won our battles in the
war with Mexico, and he was made
President. Grant fought ard won our
battles in the overthrow of the Slave
holders Rebellion, and why should he
be made an exception to the rule? He
won't be-"
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

RALLYING CRIES OF THE DEMoCRA-
CY.-The Democracy of San Francisco
are stirred to enthusiasm by the follow
ing war cries, taken floE the Examiner
of Monday evening:
SEYMOUR AND BLAIR!
THE UNION AND CONSTITUTION!
NO NEGRO SUFFRAGE
NO NEGRO EQUALITY
No CHINESE EQUALITY
A WHITE MANS LABOR, A WHITE MAN s
LAND, AND WHITE MANS GOV.
EMINENT FOREVER!
In the South the language of the De.
mocracy is changed slightly, to suit the
climate, as will be seen by the following:
BARBACUE AT LAGRANGE!
Thursday, Aug. IL, 1868.
COME ONE! COME ALL! BOTH WHITE
AND BLACK!
As the infamous lie is 10 circulation
that the meats of colored persons will be
poisoned, we nail that radical trick to
the counter by Offering choice of tables
to our cotored friends, or zoe ,oiU d.
uide places ,oith them.
5: e: s :: : S.s::::: : %;5:::; 5:::;.'''
Helena, August 10, 1868.
The foregoing is an exact copy Of o
handbill placarded through the streets
of Helena and the cross roads of Phil
lips county, BY the Democratic party Of
that county! They propose to ''our col
ored friends" not only the choice of ta-
bles at their white mans barbecue, but
they go SO far as to divide places with
them +! That is to say, alternate seats
SO as to have negro between every two
white men, and a white man between
every two negroes, and each to eat pro-
miscuously out of the others plate!
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

DOING GooD.-In Paris, General
Cluseret, returning home alone late one
evening, was attacked by an armed
brigand. The great strength of the
General rendered him Indifferent to
snch incidents he seized the rufian
by the throat, and threatened to strau-
gle him. On examining the captive
more closely, Cluseret recognized him
as person with whom he had already
had dealings.
"Why, you rascal !! you are the same
man whosobbed my tent in Algeria of
five hundred francs in gold!"
"Ah General, but if you knew the
circumstances. They had written to
me that my poor mother was danger
ously i'll, and I wanted to send her some
assistance. But l entreat you, General,
to have some pity on me; give me my
liberty this time, and I swear to pass
the rest of my life in repentance.
The General granted the prayer, let
the fellow 60, and thought no more
about the matter. A long time after
wards he received box containing five
hundred francs and the following letter:
"This restitution, General. proves to
you that good action is never lost.
To procure this sum, that 1 engaged
myself to return to you, l have been
obliged to beat out the brains of two
men, to force three secretaries, and to
break in the doors of three inhabited
country houses. You see, General,
that benefit is never thrown. away"
A GREAT pigeon race takes place an
nually in Belgium. The king offers
a valuable prize to the owner of the
first bird in, and the Count of Flanders
to the owner of the second, the total
value of the prizes competed for being
$4,000 fraacs. This year, 1907 pig
cons were conveyed from Brussels to
Agen Lot.et- -Garonne), a distance of
more than five hundred miles, and were
thrown at 5 A. M, under the superin-
tendence of M. Huybrechts, who had
been appointed by the Society L 'Hiron-
dele to mark and liberate the pigeons
entered for the national concourse of
1868. The first prize was not claimed
in Brussels until the following day,
when M. Grooters, Of that city, present.
ed his bird at 6 4, A. M. A few min
utes afterwards the same gentleman
claimed the third, fifth, seventh, elev-
enth, fifteenth, eighteenth, and twenty
first prizes from the commissioners.
By $50 A NJ, tweuty-one of the pig
cons had reached Brussels, eight Of
them belonging to NJ Grooters, who
appears to be the most successful pigeon
fancier in the world.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

No SUGAR.-A neat compliment was
paid the other day to lady. She had
Just swallowed small glass of wine, as
q gentleman in the company asked for
a taste. ats all gone," said she,
laugtingly, "unless you take some from
my lips'' IL should be most happy
be replied, "but l never take sugar in
mine"
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

On Saturday evening young lady
was standing in the doorway Of her
fathers residence in Poug ghkeepsie,
New York, holding in her arms a kitten.
Her brother, Charles Bunnell, entered
the house. and taking up pistol, which
he thought was not loaded, he inquired
if he should shoot the kitten. His Sis
ter replied in the negative, but the
young idiot pointed the pistol aud pull
led the trigger. The weapon was load
ed, and the ball entered the neck Of the
poor girl, producing death within Eve
minutes. OF course the young fellow
was crazy after the affair, if not before.
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

HER REAsoNs.-Little Susie, look
ing at some pictures of winged angels,
exclaimed: Mamma, 1. don't want TO
be an angel" "Why net, dear I"
" Humph Leave off all my pretty
clothes, and ,0ear fedders tske a hen =!
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24
Hotel d'Emope.
CORNER OF MAIN AND LAFAYETTE STREET
MOKELUMNE HILL.

MUkELUMNE HILL.
THE undersigned would respectfully an
i nounce to the public, that he has com
pleted his Hotel-having added stone from
and fitted it up in the most approved style
The rooms are spacious and airy and have
been fitted up with NEW FURNITURE
throughout. One of the largest and fines
FL a LIS
IN the State, for the accommodation of dan
clng parties, is attached to the house.
Inc Hotel will be kept on the European plan
travellers and others will find it first clas'
House.
The BAR will be constantly supplied will
the best of Liquors and Cigars.
Quests will always be furnished with ths
best the market affords, and no pains will b,
spared to make their sojourn at the HOTEL
d dsEUROPE pleasant and agreeable.
Charges moderate to suit the timsa.
GEORGE LEGER.
Mok. Hill, January rs, 1s64jys'e7:tf
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

POSSIBLY when q young lady has
yery "sweet hair" it is in consequence
of her fastening it with a "houey comb"
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24
NEW GUNSMITH SHOP!
n. c. HAMER,

MOULD RESPECTFULLY INFORM
w the citizens of Mokelumne Hill and vi
otnity, that he has recently returned from
San Francisco with complete assortment o.
tools pertaining to the Gunsmithing bushes.
and has opened shop on
Main Street, MOkelumne Hill,
Two doors above Lafayette, where he is al
times ready to repair
Guns, Pistols, Pumps, Locks etc.,
At short notice and the best manner.
~ Give me q call and be convinced.
II. C. HAMER.
Mok. Hill. July 18th, 1866. ap2lt:6'f
Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1868-10-24

r. F.NEWBERGER, Agent.
myl3'67:tf
The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1868-11-03

A CURIOUS AND AMUSING QUEsTIoN.-A
curious question is pending in Salisbury,
Penn. Mr.. G.. Pussy Thorne, Son of J,
Williams Thorne, came of age on the day
of the October election of this year. The
Democrats, anxious to exclude every Re-
publican ballot, challenged his vote upon
the ground that he was not born until Z
o'clock in the evening, at which time the
Jaw provided that the polls should close. 1t
was argued on behalf Of the applicant that
the law recognized no fraction Of days, and
that he was entitled to vote even though ne
had not been born until 1859 Z. M.
on said day. The Democratic election
officers. however, contended that he
must be between the age of twenty
one and twenty-five years, and that ne
would not have reached that period I'M
Ill the hour of o'clock had passed. In
reply to this, Mr.. Thorne, ST., asked the OF,
'6cers if they recognized three hundred ana
sixty-fve days and six hours as year, and
they replied that they did. He then showed
that six leap years had occurred in the life
time of his son and further automatically
demonstrated that he had lived twenty, one
lines three hundred and sixty-fve days
and six hours, and had eighteen hours 10
snare. This rather dumbfounded the De-
mocratic officers, but they still declined 10
accent the ballot. AT three minutes before
! o'clock the Republican judge took the pal
lot and deposited 1t IN the Do4'