Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1868-11-13

Natures tailoring-a potato patch.
Nose-Thc snubbing post of the
body.
The stars are called wicked because
they sin-till-late.
Error-The crook in pigs tail,
hard to get out
Capital punishment--being smoth-
cred with kisses.
Natural neatness-sweeping the
horizon with a glass.
Pride-Folly strutting i'm the cast
off clothing of common sense.
Conscience-T1eaven right of way
through the soul of man.
A weak invention of the enemy
the coffee we have nova. days.
Artifice-Hiding behind lamp
post, showing more than we conceal.
Boarding house-Asylum for sour
bread, hash, and homeless bed -bugs.
Money-The root of all evil, to
those who spend their lives roofing
for it.
John Wilder, of Baltimore, killed
himself by blowing out the gas in
his room.
DIR. Holland thinks the English
are physically larger and homelier
than American ladies.
Who is the LATEST man?-The fur
ha l-nnnG a. n
lounges about all the time.
If a gentleman marries, the lady
must be won before they are married
afterwards they are both one.
Our aristocratic. young ladies' have
taken TO learning trades. Nearly
every one of them has become painter
of her own cheeks.
A tailor, who i'm skating, fell
through the ice, declared that he
would never again leave his hot
goose for a cold duck.
The people of Weedsport, n. Y,
call their Church entertainments
"mush and milk sociables," name
that might possibly be adopted with
propriety elsewhere.
Bismark has q passion for cats
but he hates France so much that he
has recently refused present of .
very handsome one from Paris for
fear cit would NEW in French"
a small child was asked by her
fundy School teacher, "What did
the Israelites do after they had crossed
the Red Sea?" answered, II don't
know, ma'am, but guess they dried
themselves.
"Have not offered you every adj
yantage?" said doting father to his
son. 20, yes!" replied the youth ;
"but I could not think of taking ad-
vantage of my father"
An old topper was heard the other
day to advise young man to get
married, -"because, my boy, you'll
have somebody to pull off your boots
when you go home drunk
Gentleman to boatman--"You
must often, should think, get wet,
do you not?n Artless beatman-
Yes, yer honor, we does, VERY wet
indeed; but Pm very dry just now,
yer honor, and no mistake"
Cough says he Iectured during his
twehty-six years OF public speaking,
go times i'm New York and $50 times
i'm Boston, and yet he never came be-
fore an audience without trembling
of the knees and huskiness of voice.
A gentleman, unaccustomed to
public speaking, becoming embar'
raised, whispered to his friend
"Quick! quick! give-give me g
s0Fd"-upon which the other re-
piled. Eyes, yes; what woId do you
waate"
Poet Patmore eounseled:
Let no weak man in desperate mood
Wed a DULL girl because she's good"
To which somebody tied this:
Nor any woman in any plight
Wed FAD man because he = bright
An advertisement i'm the London
Times announces the Forthcoming
duplication of first.c class daily papeI
in which the special feature is to b'
the abandonment of the sanonymou'
system. All the leading articles ar'
to bear the signatures of their writer's
"Come here, sissy, said a youn!
gentleman to a little girl, to who's
sister he was paying his addresses
"you are the sweetest thing on earth.
mo, / ain't," she replied, "Siste
says you are the sweetest"
The gentleman popped the ques
ton the next day.
A country doctor being out for
days shooting, took his GRAND DO
to carry the game-bag. Entering
field of turnips, the dog pointed; an
the boy overjoyed at the prospect c
his masters success, exclaimed
"Lor, master, there's a covey; if 20
get near 'em, won't you Physic 'em !?
"Physie them! you young rascal
what do you mean?" said the docto
"Why, kill 'em, to be sure" reptile
the lad.
Here my little fellow" said M
jerks, one morning, i'm the marke
''if you will take this turkey hom'
j will give you ninepence." II wi
sir, and thankee too" Mr.. Jenk
found only plate of potatoes for Ia
Christmas dinner. and that the BIO
had carried the turkey to his ow
home. Upon my word" said b'
"this is true charity. My righthan
never knew what my left hand did.
A wealthy bachelor, having ha
one or two lawsuits for breach {
promise, now replies to young lad
who wishes 'few minutes" privat
conversation, mo you don't, mad
am. 1t cuts me to the heart to b
compelled to doubt the honorable
ness of your intentions, but that sol
of thing is played out. My rule
imperative; and if you have an
business with me it must he trans
acted in the presence of two wit
ncsses.h
A Yankee, having told an English
man that he shot, on one particula
occasion, nine hundred and ninety
nine snipes, his interlocutor aske
him why he didn't make it a thou
sand at once.
mo-" said he, mot likely I'm 60
ing to tell lie for one snipe."
Whereupon the Englishman, rath
er riled, and determined not to b
outdone, began telling long stor,
Of man having swan from Liver
pool to Boston.
Ibid you see bim?" asked til
Yankee.
az did,