Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1868-09-04
HUNIORSOlIE.

The apple Eve lonscd for, and ate at last.
must have been a pineapple.
The man who was torn from the bosom Of his
family was Sc sewcd up ' by the extravaganza Of
his wife
And what kind Of wife vas it who 50 -oy,e,l
tares 80 in his bosom while the hushandman
slept,
Why is my foot Ike a stable Because there's
a corn bin there.
4 hard driuker objects to putting water in
his whiskey because IT l4mpeus h.- spirits.
+ II a picture is vel hung. does IL follow as 4
matter of course that f. is sci executed,
What part Of 81 do- b.ulI be named to ic-
scribe certain condition Of winter weather.
It's nose.
\ Pennsylvania -eboolmaster recently ''s,ruck
' ile." It was ''juyeu-ile'
\ Connecticut paper heals its marriages
90 Confidence, AMI it- deaths Sc Certainty
1t has been a,Le.l when the rain falls, loes it
ever get up, of course It does-in dew-time
Some one has written to ask as If knocking
ones head against the hob -,n De- callel an hob
knocks-ious accident, Dreadful
When you see man on moonlight night
trying TO convince his shadow tina; Il Is improper
10 follow a gentleman, You may be sure 1t IS high
time for him to join the Temperance Society.
\ lady who has been relIine law IS in Ioaj;
regarding the validity Of her marital conditi.n-
She says -' Lotteries are Illegal, and marriage
Is the greatest lottery in .-fe.''
triumph, 90 don't you think marriage Is q means
Of grace - "Wel, ycs," growied Jones, -'
suppose anything is a means Of grace that breaks
down pride and leads To repentance"
The Louisville JouraaI says woman. with all
her beauty and worth. shoull remember THAT
man was the chief l-lt;er considered at the
creation. She was only side issue.
There are more than two hundred slang terms
for intoxicatiOn. The latest Of these occurs in a
recent New Orleans paper. 4 reporter, speak
/ ing Of the arrest Of women who was Sc raising
a row - in the streets, says that 81 She WAS
deeply sgitated with benzine.
Punch (London) has received several COM
munications touching the extreme heat Of the
weather. From volumiuous mass Of CORES
ponience he selects for the eli6cation of his
readers couple Of the more remarkable ones
The science association at Chicago has stump
ell the reporters with an essay ou Sc Easmogna-
thus and its relations to the Tapirei.e.'
\ seventy-three year Old homeopathic physi-
elan Of Cincinnati, il now rejoicing in his twcn-
ty-frst infant, which au exchange thinks was
carrying the small dose principle rather too
Tar.
i Naughty Planchette in reply To question
askei Of it mentally by young married woman
at party the other night, wrote out in big ie-
eible letters, '' fine. rye boy No more
mental inquiries were made that evening.
/ Mr.. Beecher's recipe for making coffee is as
/ suggestive as it is Bescierish The best way
/ ] know of to make good coffee, said he, " Is to
70 to the principal hotels, restaurants, railroad
I eatins-houses etc. and ascertain Just how they
make coffee-then MAKE 4 as thsy don't
Remedies against the heat-By Cool Hand
Borrowing 60 Of the sheriff officer who exc
cutes a writ Of ca. sa against you.
Asking a bishop if he ever plays croquet on
his own lawn.
Offering to toss magistrate double or quits
for the 5s. YOU are fined for being drunk and dis
orderly
Talking Of boots TO man who has just been
kicked
4 gentleman who was waiting at the SPRING
field depot, the other day to obtain view Of Mr..
Buringane and his '' cclestials.' approached
man who was standing by the Niassssoit House
truck piled with fully a dozen trunks, and
asked if he was in charge Of the baggage Of the
Chinese embassy, and if they would dine at the
Massasoit. /" Oh, no; do not belong to the
embassy; myself and wife are on our way home
from Saratoga and this is our baggage"
This is related Of a father, who was one even
ing teaching his little boy to recite his Sunday
school lesson. 1t was from the fourteenth chapter
Of Matthew, wherein is related the parable Of a
malicious individual who went about sowing
tares g What is tare - asked the anxious
parent. Tell me, my son, what a tare is.
. You had en-" g Johnny what do you mean p
/ asked the astonished parent, opening his eyes
rather wide ." Last week, when you didn't
come home for three days" said Johnny. 81
. heard mother tell aunt Susan that you were on
a tare." Johnny was sent of to bed.
Testament-an act which proves the valre Of
/ a husband; Theatre place of exhibition where
the only seriors comedy is played in front Of the
house; Time-woman' as rival, for no tight laeing
can compare with the waist Of time tobacco
n pleasant weed before marriage. foul habit
after; Tombst rne-the stamp on deaths little
bill: Treasure-the husband who has left you 3
widou.-Tomahatck' Vomdn's Word-5ook.
Old Deacon Sharp used TO relate this story
J He was standing one day beside frog pond and
saw n large garter snake make an attempt upon
an enormous bullfrog. The snake seized one Of
the frogs hind legs, and the frog, to be on par
with his snakeship, caught him by the tad, and
/ both commenced swallowing one another until
! nothing was Left Of them.