The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1868-11-13
FACETIE.

"Td thank you for another piece of
that mince pie" said Dubbins to his
landlady.
"Owing to the peculiar arrangement
of the programme, no piece can be re-
peated at this entertainment" calmly
replied the landlady.
An Illinois paper says there is man
in Olney so dirty that the assessors put
him down as real estate. He is q
brother of the man whom, while play
ing whist, his partner said, "If dirt was
trumps, wnat hand you'd hold"
A simple epitaph in st. Pancras
Churchyard is touchingly commemora-
tive of the gluttony of husband and
the grief of his widow:
Eliza serrowing rears this marble slab,
To her dear john, who died of eating crab. I"
"pm afoat! Pm afloatw screamed a
young lady of powerful lungs, and
fingers to match, as she exercised both
at the piano. II should think you
were," growled on old bachelor, "iudg-
ing from the squall you raise"
At school at Wallsend, near New
castle, England, the master asked
class of boys the meaning of the word
appetite" when after a short pause,
ono little boy said: 81 know, sir. When
Pm eatin' Pm 'appy, and when Pm done
Pm tight"
A cockney inquired at the general
postoffice the other day for a letter for
Emery Hogden.n He was told there
was none. "Look ere," he replied,
little angrily, "yeu've hexamined a
hodd letter for my name. 1t don't COM
mence with haitch! 1t begins with
ho! Look hin that 'ole that's got the
hosp
"Sir, you are fool"
"Do you call me fool !"
"Yes, sir would call any man a fool
who acts as you do"
"Ah, you would call any man fool.
Then l cannot consider it personal. /
wish you good morning, SIR"
Mr.. Shirra, a plain-spoken old Scotch
clergyman, was annoyed at the tinical
ways of a young man who preached for
him one Sunday morning. The old
man gave vent to his annoyance in the
prayer after sermon. He prayed for the
young brother as q promising laborer
in the vineyard and wound up his petit
tien thus
"But, o, Lord, please take a awl and
prod him well and let the wind out O.
him."
A young Irish servant girl, coming
from Albany recently in one of the night
steamers, had the ill-luck to lose the
recommendation which had been given
her on leaving her last place. An Irish
man, learning the cause of her distress,
and being able to write, gave her the
following, which she presented to
friend of ours: "This is to say that katy
o'brien had good character when she
left alberny, but she lost it on board the
vessel coming down from alberny."
There is a magistrate in town in In
diana named Helser. A clergyman in
the same place was called upon by
young couple not long since, who wish
ed him to join them in the holy bonds
groom "a soldier by the way) for his
marriage license. The man in blue re-
sponded that he had been engaged to
the girl four years, and thought that
would do. Clergyman thought not, and
remarked as the speediest way to OBJ
tain license:
"You had better take your girl and
go to HelserH
"You go to hell YOURSELF" rctorted
the angry veteran.
And seizing the bride by the arm, he
dragged her from the house, wondering
what manner Of profane minister he
had met.
How well educated we are in Eng
land! A country parson one day met
one of his parishioners, by name John
Cox, and demonstrated with him be-
cause his wife never came TO Church.
"Well, passoD," says John, "fact be, her
be not Christian. never was Chris
tian, and never will be Christian, but
her says prayer every night her gets
into bed" what prayer does she say;
is it the Lords Prayeri' "Well, pas
son, can't say ever 'eered it called by
that name, but her deu say:
" Mathew, Mark, Leuk and John,
bless the bed that lies on
Feur carners to my bed,
Feur angels lying a-sprad Iaspreadl
leu teu fut and teu teu head, two to foot and
two to head
Feur to carry me when be dead
Geud night, John Cox.-Once Week.