Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1868-05-12
The Josh Billings Papers.

.Iosh Tefe-tetes with a School Nom.
MI DEAR MISS JERUsHA STEBBlNs, ESQ:
Yure lengthy and hyacinthine letter
arrove yesterday by the Z o'clock mail,
and tho thare waz mulch into it that waz
way abuv my edukashun, still could
evry now and then ferret ont sum ov the
commonest ov it, the idees want so new
az hav seen, but seldum hav cum
acre st, in mi travels, emmy longer words,
nor more oy them, harnessed together.
1t must be very happee tew hav so
mutch left ov language, such hux ov
balmy and sweet-scented paragraphs,
sntch slippery undulashuns in the way
ov cadence, sich heaven-bedewed pauzes,
with exklamashun pints az thick as the
pins on boiling alley.
It must hav kost yu quarts Nv midnite
kerosene lie, tew have sed so much that
waz small, in dictionary that glitters,
like new tin roof, smiled upon by the
morning glance ov aurora.
But few, alas! how few! ever grab this
gorgeous power, which seems tew be az
natral tew yu az peakoks tail in full
bloom. a.
I envy yu Miss Stebbins, but envy il
mi best gate, never kan trot up tew
yure style, and reach the ETHEREAL top
which you roosti on, and perforate the
resplendent sublimitys ov the konkave
skey,i waz bilt for muddy going, yu
might az well ask an old elephant tew
climb CREASED liberty pole, tail fi1st,
and deliver 4th of july orashun on the
top ov it tew the listening cherubs in the
attik world. ,sEl ats
Miss Jerusha ,Stebbins, if yu would
only turn yure genius into poetry for
weeks, yu would heave dubole skies evry
time. j would bet mi last surviving dol
lar that Tennyson, the british peoeter,
would snuff out hiz tallow dip in despair,
would turn oph his gass in agony, and
would Aux in the skalding blaze oy yure
glory similar tew a creased rag in the
fiery furnace Of Shadrak.
s5Longfellow would turn into a thin
ghost, and walk the midnite earth in bro.
gans. .5fzo b5,i'.s.i :. ;si ,3ai +. M o'
Oliver Wendell Holmes, esq, would
tsks7a solitary drink and die az dead az
the concluding paragraph ov an unor-
thofdox sermin. ,oidc s1i,41 e2
Whittier. the gentle and sainted qua
ker, would bnrn his poems at the stake,
and taks mp job at ditching.
= Dickens, the immortal Charles, would
buy another breastpin, and go calmly
and naturally, without sigh or a salt
embittered tear, into the jewelry bizz-
ness.,.7Q .afisil 2
5SSOld Homer, the dead giant Of stanza,
whose lions skin the poetic asses oy
later times have galloped and gamboled
under, and whoze writings are the ten
commandments of poezy, which poets
have ever since tried to keep by stealing
them. Yea I the old patriark and pro-
prietor ov Parnassus would kick oph,hiz
deth-fetters, and gathering up his scat
tered bones, would run out ov eternity
tew welcome you, Jerush', and probably
insist upon having yu within the holy
grip ov wedlock.
These things are solemn facts, my
dear girl, and don't be afrade to let them
sink into yu, for if you will only hoe
yourself for or s consecutiv weeks YOU
are actually poet, with 2 smoke-staks,
YOU kant be held without a wired bit,
yu kant be hid long emmy how; an oys-
termight az well undertake tew hide in
his shell, or the ten ov clubs to change
herspots.
And now Miss Stebbins, let me dropa
few drops ov advice touching the best
way tew git yuresef in condition for the
coming fight. -Ic,G Fu
sLst the first thing yu do in the morn
: ing be to fize arly, soak yure feet often,
drink yung hyson tea raw, abstain from
awl animal food, espeshily old cheeze,
never yu mind what they say about
cheeze being good for lively imagina-
shun, thare amt a mite ov truth nit, eat
egg. humming-bird's will hurt yu the
least, eat one 4 day, on an empty STUN
muk. travell around the lots loose, with
oft any Waterfall, don't drink emmy all
cohob gin and jamaka rum iz only good