Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1868-01-28
cheap Reading.

cheap Reading.
The Surgeons danee-the Lancers
A shocking affair-an electric battery.
Motto for the cider maker-press on
A spicy expression-her shrieks Glove the air.
When is iron the most ironical? When 1t is
railing.
Why is badly told story like destitute
cousin 1t is a poor relation
Some one calls the time of squeezing girl S
hands the palmy season OF life.
Chips says the best day for battle is just at
ter snow-storm-it is so good for sleighlng.
Why is the letter 0 the only vowel that is
sounded? All the others are ln-audlble.
Why do gentleman insist on ladies playing
on the piano? Because they prefer the noise
that is less disagreeable
A wag says there is no danger of hard times
among the shoemakers, because every one Is
soled before it is ready for the market.
A medical man of the very old school calls
all operations that are performed without the
patient feeling anything, 'senseless operations
A young woman tainted in a New York the
atre few nights since and water being thrown
in her face, she revived exclaiming: 'Oh, my
new bonnet"
(HE)ARTLEss. -Ruth-'My dear, why did
you say so if you didn't love him?'' Mabel
'Oh, he asked me SO earnestly, l hadn't the
heart to say no. -
Gentlemen said candy-store keeper to
some loafers at midnight, Il don't know wheth-
er you have talked enough or not, but as for
myself | am roinr IN Shut nm ~
A farmer in Missouri, on being asked the
number of his children, hesitated, and referred
the questioner to his wife, and she replied ten
but when In the course OF conversation, the
farmer was asked as to the number of hogs he
posed, he replied promptly, "seventy-one. -
Mother" said lad, ''is it wrong to break
egg-sshells.
Certainly not, my DEAR" replied the moth
-er; but what do you ask such silly question
for 2"
Because [ have just dropped the basket
with all the eggs in it, replied he.
Pete-'Sam, Noah WASH the fus man wot
come out of de ark
Sam-''Why, Pete YOU doesn't know any,
thing bout Biography; Noah was de fus man
Pete-Don't the scriptures say ON the third
day Noah came forth?
Sam-Dats so-dat's so
Pete-"Well wasn't dere free ahead of him. ~
A farmers daughter in this State was visited
by a rustic youngster, who, finding it difficult
to keep up the conversation, asked the GIRL af-
ter an embarrassing silence had prevailed for
some tlme IF she knew of anybody that want
ed to buy shirt ?" "No [ don t." she replied.
have you one to sell?'' 'Oh, no, 1 only asked
to make talk"
Pat said builder to an Irishman engaged
IN carrying slate to the top of four-story build
lng,' have you any houses in Ireland as tall as
this one va as, me mither's cabin
How many rooms had it?"
There was the aiting room, slapeing room,
and the pig pen-4 rooms
That's story" said the builder ''Ya'as,
tour stories, said Pat.
II shant be with you great while. nv dear
Jane, " said Mr.. Meter; II shant stay here .
great while. 20, Mr.. Meter, how can YOU
talk SOL" said Mrs. Meter, with lugubrious
expression of face. Because" continued he,
L feel as II was most gone, and that I was
just passing away like cloud before the rising
sun. Mr.. Meter verified his prophecy the
next day by running away with sympatbizine
female acquaintance.
The Californian publishes the following Sun
day-school address delivered in that State. with
the view oflnculcatlng moderation and kindness
on the part OF the strong toward the weak:
You boys ought to be kind to YOUR sisters
once knew bad boy who struck his little sis
ter blow over the eye. Although she didn't
1ade away and die in the summer time, when
the June roses were blowing with sweet words
Q! forgiveness on pallid lips, she up and hit
him over the head with rolling pin. so that he
couldn't go to Sunday school for more than a
month, on account of not being able to put his
hat on"
Green-spectacled pedagogue, enthroned upon
three-iegged stool, with sceptre of birch firm
ly grasped-eXclaims: big bows. come I'M and
parse, the pig squeaks.' Now tell me what is
the p ''A' 10
i. The, sir, is preposterous article, nomina-
tive to pig"
Why do you call it preposterous article?
st. because he IL stands before pig. l would not
Next boy, parse pig
zig is common noun"
ny is 1t a common noun?'
because 1t is SO common you can't see any
thing else in the streets.''
What is squeaks?"
"A proper noun, sir. 30
Why is it proper, Ezekiell''
because 1t makes proper loud noise and
disturbs all the neighbors.'
That's o. K Now you can 90 and carry
on with the gals
+. A California paper contains the following par
tlculars as to the death of a local reporter in
which the idea of the ruling passion strong in
death is pathetically illustrated
But at last his own time came, and Jim
Hopson was about to die He wasn't a narticIe
afraid, notwithstanding all his fasehoods. for
he knew it would help the local column; SO he
sent all his relatives down stairs, and got his
assistant reporter to stand by him, and he made
him swear that he would not give the item to
any, other paper, and then, with serene smile
on on his face, he yielded up his life, and James
Hopson was no more. His will was full of items
one of which provided that he should be buried
in Philadelphia. because it was in Pennsylya-