The Bolivar bulletin. [volume] (Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tenn.) 1865-1888, 1867-06-22
For The Boliuar Bulletin.
More from an Old Maid
" Immodest words aduis but this defence
a want Of daeeneY is a want Of sense. .

In the Bulletin Of May 18th there appears
short missive IL reply, it seems, to q
very pertinent article of May 18th, on the
subject Of " Old Maids The old maids of
this Conference District suggest that the
beautiful couplet which heads the article
should be modified thus:
Though gauders find their mates. It's often late
And then their former loves they re sure to hate
The writer, a veteran and time-tattered /
gray gander, comes forward as he boasts, to
administer the balm Of consolation to that
class of beings whom he supposes to be less I
fortunate than himself His sympathies and
kindness towards old maids are just about
as reliable and heartfelt as the kiss of a
Judas Instead Of missiye Of consola-
ton 1t turns out to be a missil-a bomb
she'll full of the powder of resentment. It
Is very unnatural IN him, and at the same
time perfectly natural-so upbecoming and
vet so becoming in him to blaspheme the
idols Of his former worship Our venerable
gray gander, after half century of unfor
tunate conflicts, has at last taken refuge be-
hind the redoubts of matrimony, and in his
fancied security, commences his sharp
shooting In the jealous exercise of his
uncalvanistic free agency he has at length
gotten himself mate ;" he has been ush-
cred, it seems, into what he calls the Elys-
/ ium Of married life" OF course now he
has the prerogative to point the finger Of
scorn and ridicule at those who inhabit the
world Of Responding below He feels him
self now to be in Arahams bosom. Let
! him look out. For if he crossed the gulf
why may not others He must not suppose
that the DEGREES of fate viii prevent all the
old maids from entering his elysium and
feasting on the ambrosial cake of matri-
mony." 1t is to be hoped, however, that it
viii not be quite so spicy as his. We
think his cake has been too highly sea
soned, and hence the pungent nature of his
temper and the sharpness of his selfcon-
ceit We old maids recommend to him
reperusaI of his receipt and cookery books
| We feel like giving him some kind advice in
the dotage of his old age in return for so
much love as he has manifested in his
younger days Let him subsist as much as
possible on an unspiced and simple diet
avoid all luxurious and highly seasoned cakes.
Let him eat the unleayened cakes Of love
feasts seven days out of every week. There
will not be so much danger of the fermenta-
ton of his temper As to that huge golden
kettle" which he numbers among his house
hold chattels we advise that it be sent to
the mint and converted into coin. This could
be given to the poor, and by the merits Of
such deeds (according to his Greedy he could
work out for himself an uncalvanistic saliva
ton, and thus declare his characterization to
the DEGREES of fate. Above all let him
anoint his itinerant self with the oil of kind
ness. Where is the large mantle Of charity
that he sometimes wears on extraordinary
occasions Let him envelop himself in the
amplitude of its folds-it will cover all the
. real or supposed injuries he ever received at
the hands of old maids We old maids do
think that our ancient fricnd ought not to
be so ungratefuL He must remember that
he too was once mateless, and that he be-
, came otherwise after years of indomitable
energy. Has he forgotten his former eccIe-
siastical pasturage-the meadows, where he
once picked the blades Of his subsistence
gosling in the days of his more beautiful
! plumage? Has he forgotten those large
plantations, where he once used and where
he once enjoyed the Inequalities of the old
) maids whom he now ridicules, but whom he
then worshipped with more than the ardoI
Of a camp-meeting devotion2
It seems to US that one who has nothing
t to do but fan the flames of love around the
, kettle Of hymen," and watch the bubling
3 ebuliton until it is boiled down, and he gets
2 his sugar. as Re terms it, ought to have a
] more elaborated" temper We really
? fear that our time-tattered friend has be
come soured instead of sugared off in the
dole of his October life and the rheuma
r tism of his declining years. There must be
= some unpleasant associations connected with
4 his nomadic career. The fact is 1--WE speak
+ in confidence and wish it to go no further,
that, in his extensive pasturage, during a
J large portion of the 18th century, he himself
? has been quite as badly picked as the grass
upon which he subsisted. In his unhappy
conflicts with feminines," he has lost the
magnificent plumage which once so richly
ornamented his person. He has become
Invested of all the soft down of his finer
sensibilities, and now like a poreupine he
has nothing to display but the hristling
quilts of his satire and the pinions of his
selEconceit Alas how this gay bird ha;
changed What pity that he did not enjoy
his matrimonial cake in his earlier days
t when the powers Of mastication were unim
3 paired In vain viii he await the dentitior
of his second childhood to enable him to ap
f preciate such dainties with a becoming
S gusto.
In conclusion, ], in common with all the
other old and respondent maids, beg leave
to assure our sexorious friend that we enter
tain towards him the most charitable feel
ings. And if we can forgive his past ag
l. = 4 I