Delaware State journal and statesman. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1855-1870, 1867-04-23
WIT AND HUmOR.

A good story is told Of a Glasgow merchant,
who on his death bed sent for clergyman of
the Scotch Free Church. Having some fears re-
garding his future prospects, he asked the rever-
end gentleman, ado you think if were to leave
$4,000 to the Free Kirk, my soul would be
saved 2" "Well," answered the cautious minis
ter, 81 couldn't just promise you that, but l |
think it's an experiment we'll worth trying"
A man had received large lot of lObsters
fresh and lively, when a boy stood gazing at the
critters, accompanied by his dog. "Suppose
you put your dogs tail between the lobstsr's
claws" said the man. "Agreed," said the boy.
The peg was extracted from the claws and the
dog tail inserted Away went the dog off home,
bowling at the squeeze his tail got from the
lobster. "Whistle your dog back, you young
scamp" said the man. "Whistle your lobster
back" cried the boy. and absquatulated.
A minister once prayed in the pulpit that "the
Lord would bless the congregation assembled,
and that portion of which was on the way to
church, and those who were at home getting
ready to come, and that, in His infinite patience
be would grant the benediclion to those who
reached the house of God in time for that.''
The clergyman succeeded in breaking up bad
habit, which had resisted all legitimate appeals:
A lady says the first time she was kissed, she
felt like tub Of roses swimming in honey,
cologne, nutmegs, and cranberries. She felt
also as il something was running through her
nerves on feet of diamonds, escorted by several
little cupids in charots drawn by angels, shaded
by honey .suckles, and the whole spread with
melted rainbows.
A young lady asked gentleman the meaning
of the word "surrogate," !" and he explained it to
her as ''a gate through which parties 60 to get
married." "Then l imagine" said the lady
''tbat it is corruption Of the word sorrow gate" !"
''You are right" said he, "as woman is an-ab-
breviation Of woe to man."
Scenes of a new domestic drama Scene l.
Mother in the cellar splitting wood. Scene 2.
, Daughter in the parOr singing to wel-dressed
simpleton the pathetic ballad, "Who shall care
for mother now ?"
At one of the schools in this city the inspector
asked the children if they could give any text
Of scripture which forbade a man having two
wives One of the children sagey quoted in
reply, the text, "No man eau serve two masters y
A young lady being requested by an old bsche'
lor to take seat upon his knee, in crowded
= sleigh, made the following reply; "No, thanl
you; I'm afraid such an old seat would breal
down with me-"
A country exchange, 10 announcing the pros
>. pectivs completion of railroad, says; "W
s feel confident that the steam steed will wend it
y way through emerald wales ere the leafy liver.
70 of nature dons the sober hues of autumn.
s 1e "wsre the shoes anything like thesef 7" sal
n Lord Kenyon, on one occasion, to shoemake
Ss in court, as he pointed to his own. "No, m
n n Lord" replied the witness, "they were goo
~ deal better and more genteeler."
q; A shrswd confectioner in Waterbury has taugt
'' his parrot to say, "pretty creature" to ever
lady who enters the store. His custom is rspi'
ly increasing.
An old miser having listened to very ell
quent discourse on charity, remarked, 9Th
= sermon SO strongly proves the necessity Of aim
'e' giving that I've almost mind to beg"
Some idea Of the Erie gaslight ~ may
no gathered from the fact Of the boy who pu
them out in the morning carrying lighted Ia
tern with him. On being questioned as to d
reason, he replied that he "cOuldn't find 4
burned gas-posts without it,"
A State constable in Massachusetts, was 1
Gently puzzled by what appeared to be moi
in saloon window, which ran thus: "Nool
Reeb Regal" On reading the inscription bat
lq wards, he caused the shutters Of the instituti
Act to be put up.
'sire A notorious topers used to mourn about |
- having regular pair of eyes-one being bla
and the other light hazel at is lucky for yo'
srs replied his friend, ''fOr if your eyes had b'
matches your nose would have set them on
long ago"