Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1867-07-30
Mats.maas9.iasgs of the Tied !


How many doting husband would like to
change his forty year-old partner for ta0o TWEEN
ties?
The young lady in Texas who advertises for
husband, says she can talk philosophy as well
as rock the cradle.
Mosby Shocks says the reason he does not
marry is, that the house is too small to contain
the consequences
"Would were a manr' exclaimed a strong
minded woman. would that you were, ex-
claimed the husband.
sCapital weather, Mr.. jones' capital wealth
er. My wife's got such bad cold she cannot
speak like such weather.
Husband, must have some change to-day,
s'Well stay at home and take care OF the chill
dren; that will be change enough.
''Well, Dick" said doctor to polite man,
whose wife he had been attending, how is your
wife to day ?" ''She is Dead thank you.
A vile old bachelor says that Adams wife
was called Eve, because when she appeared
mans day Of happiness was drawing to a close.
II never knew but one woman" said Sir
Robert Walpole ''whom could not br,be with
money. 1t was Lady s., and she took dla-
monds.
'sMy DEAR" said an afectionate spouse to
her husband. sam not your only treasure z.
"Oh! yes" was the cool reply, land l would
willingly lay it up in heaven.
A gentleman in Iowa advertises for wife
who wears her own hair, her own teeth, her
own buzzum, and her own calves, without hav-
ing went and gone and paid for them.
A German, afflicted with bad wife, told his
master she vas tronk all tie tay Saturday night
und all te night Sunday morning, und / vos SO
Wild that | kick the stairs right down her..
Mr.. Smith went home drunk, went to bed,
and lest his breath betray him, turned his
face from his wife, when she said, You need
not turn over, for you re drunk clear through.
A father of three sons and five daughters was
asked what family he had. The answer was,
Il have three sons and each have five sisters. !"
"Mercy!" replied the interrogation, "sich a
family We maun have"
An affectionate backwoodsman's wife, who
looked on while her husband was struggling
fercely with bear, said afterward, that 1T was
''the only fight she ever saw in which she did
not care which won. ..,...-
One who had espoused an old and i-temper-
ed, but extremely rich wife, used to say, when
ever find my temper giving way, retire to
my study and console myself by reading her
marriage settlement.
Here is an amended quotation, by married
man who has been waiting for his wife to put
her things on"
Hope springs eternal in the husbands breast
Wives never are, but always to be dress'd.
An honest dame in the town of Rome, stand
ing beside the corpse of her deceased husband,
bewailing in piteous tones his untimely depar-
ture, observed: "It's pity he's dead, for his
teeth are as good as they ever were.
II believe that mine will be the fate of Abel, y
said wife to her husband one day. "Why
SOP" inquired the husband. Because Abel
was killed by club, and your club will kill me,
if you continue to go to it every night.
Old DR.. Foster, who practised as physician
at Buxford some years ago was in the habit OF
cooking up all sorts of roots and herbs into med
icines and specifics and trying them on his
wife. If they did not kill her, he was ready for
his other patients.
The following epitaph conveys a left-handed
compliment to the unfortunate deceased lord
Brown, aged eighty years. She lived with her
husband fifty years and died in the confident
hope of better life.
''You say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived
with the defendant for eight years. Does the
court understand that you are married to him?'
In course it does" "Have you a marriage
certifcate?' "Yes your honor, three on EN-
two gals and boy.''
Doctor-"W madam, how syour husband
to-day ?"
Wife-"Why doctor, he seems no better"
Doctor-'Did you get the leeches?"
Wife-"Yes; but he only took three of them
raw; had to fry the rest p
''WelI Jane this is a queer world said a
brute to his wife after breakfast recently, "a
set of women philosophers have just sprung up.
'sThe strangest thing in nature, said he they
hold their tongues.
A poor wight married shrew, who led him
piteous life She fell ILL, the doctor was call
ed in, and the anxious, affectionate husband in
uuired of him how his dear spouse was? Galen
shook his head, and told him to prepare for the
worst what, said he, lis she likely to get
over it?''
An elderly gentleman travelling in stage
coach, was amused by the constant fire of words
kept up by two ladies. One of them at last
kindly inquired if their conversation did not
make his headache, when he answered with a
great deal of ndiuette No ma am, [ have been
married twenty EIGHT years.
A happy couple got married in Lexington,
KY, the other day. and the editor of the States
man of that city makes notice of the event,
and adds the following couplet:
Did you ever see the devil, with his wooden iron
shovel,
Digging up gravel with his big toe-nail?
Clergyman Really, my good friend, it is a
pity that you, so lately married. too, should
quarrel as you do you ought besides, to recol-
lect that you are properly but one.
Husband-"One, sirl [ wish, when you hap
. pen to be passing that way, you would just stop
and listen under our window you would i'm
agine we were twenty"
A few nights ago, Mr.. Bodkin-who had
been out taking a glass and pipe-on going
home late borrowed an umbrella; and when
his wife S tongue was loosened, he sat up in
bed and suddenly spread his parachute
''What are you going to do with that thing p
said she.
''Why, my dear, expected very severe
storm tonight, and so came prepared.
In less than twenty minutes, Mrs. Bodkin
was asleep.
A young fellow whose better half just pre-
scented him with pair of twins, attended church
on Sunday. During the discourse, the clergy
man looked right at our innocent friend, and
said. in tone Of thrilling eloquence
"Young man, you have an important respon-
sibility thrust upon you. y
The newly fedged dad, supposingth preach
er alluded to his peculiar home event, consider
ably startled the audience by exclaiming,
"Yes, have two Of EN-. !"
A traveller coming up to an inn door said to
the landlord, who was standing on the porch
"Prav, friend, are you the master of this
house?"
Eyes, and have been so for just five weeks"
III.