Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1867-05-18
Humorous.

"Yon dose'nt think I'm female boy,
does yer ~
Tommy, my SON. said fand moth.
er. ado you say your prayers night and
morning 7" "Yes that is, nights-but
any smart boz can take care Of himself in
the daytime"
As an old lady was lately walking
through one Of the streets os Paris at mid
night patrol called out, who's there |?
alt is ! patrol she replied. "don't be
afraid y
Can woman be wetter than when she
has a ca,aral in her eye, a waterfall on The
back Of her head, forty spring in her hoop
skirt. and hlgh.iied shoes on ? Yes {;
when she has notion IAN ocean, in her
head.
A story is told of a young msn who
was crossed in love, land attempted suicide
recently by taking dose OF yeast powder.
lie immediately ro:e above his troubles.
The Young lady who was recommend
ed to take exercise to improve her health,
says that she will jump a, an offer and
run her own risk
The owner Of piece Of land com
planning how litle it pro duced. declared
that ihe clover was so short. tha, the ho-
ney bees in order to get at The honey. had
to GO down on their knees.
Mississippi negro worked on shares
for Beiesu agent. When asked the
amount of his profit, he replied "Nuf-
I'm. worked for the seventh, and de
boss only made fifth, dsrlor, go, nuf'
fn"
An old scotch woman having been ask
ed Der opinion of the new minister. said
he was particularly powerlu! preacher.
lie lad ma been tbs place week before
he kicked the pulpit to pieces. and bang
ed the in'ards out of six bibles.
pretty and well dressed young lady.
after looking a, several pairs Of lavender
cnlored gloves in store lately. shocked
the clerk by asking him which pair h,
thought The 'lavenderesl.
If you court vourg woman. and you
sre won. and she is won, you will both
re one.
Somebody adver,ises for agents to re-
tail work entitled "Hvmenlal Instruct
or" contemporary adds, "The best
hymenial Instructor we know Of is a
young widow. What she don't know
there is no use learning:"
Diggory says he always respects old
age except when some .one sticks him
with pair OF Tough chickens.
"Husband. ] must have llIle change
to-day "Well, stop al home and take
care OF the children, lha, will be radica
change"
Fifteen hundred men are choppng
wood on the plains Of ;he Union Pacific
railroad. Their wives and families camp
oui with them, and are provisioned by
the contractor.
Nobody likes TO be nobody, but every
body is pleased to lh,nk himself every
body. And everybody is somebody {:
hut when anybody thinks himself TO be
somebody. he generally thinks every TO
be nobody.
PATRoNIzE TIE PnNTERs.-ln the
town OF S., a shoemaker who al times Of.
hca,ed as preacher, always wroie The no.
lices himself TO save the expense OF print.
ing. Here is one of Them "Tbere will
be preaching in the pines this Sunday af-
.ernoon on the subject. 'All who do not
believe will be damned al three o'clock"
printer not long since, having been
flung by his sweetheart. went 10 the of.
fee 10 commit suicide with the shooting
stick The thing wouldn't gooff. The
devil wishing 10 pacify him, told him TO
60 into the sanclum, where the editor
was writing duns 10 delinquent subscri.
bers. he says that picture Of des pair re-
conciled him TO his iae.
A Portland editor having said females
must have been scarce when Belle Boyd
was called handsome, Georgia exchange
says he won't say SO in Bellies presence,
he'll BET bat.
An exchange says. General Butler in
attempting TO sneeze the other day, folch-
ed up set Of tea spoons. 1t is uncertain
whether he took Them in his snuff or
drank item in his whiskey.
The young married couple who thought
they could live on love and moonlight,
find there is some virtue in baked pola
toes. For taking the romance out oi
young folks marriage is nearly as bad as
a law suit.
An Ohio editor had new shirt collar
him, and is now waiting for
some one 10 give him shir,