The Wyandot pioneer. (Upper Sandusky, Ohio) 1853-1868, 1867-10-10
Mark Twain's Address to the
Sunday School. s

Mark Twain's Address to the
Sunday School. ~
They had a Sunday School Stere-
optlcon Exhibition up town last
week, and after the pictures were
all shown, the Superintendent asked
me to address the children Ispoke
as follows: II shan't say very much
to the little boys and girls here to
day, because / have not much to
say. Although | used to be little
boy and girl myself a great many
years ago, / don't think of anything
that would interest them just now.
You remember that beautiful picture
You have just seen of Eligah and
the bad boys. Eligah had bald
head, and those wicked boys made
a good deal of fun of him and called
him hard names, and before they
could think almost, two bears. came
out of the woods and ate them right
Iup. Now this should be warning
to you never to holler at bald
! headed man when you see him, but
to just go quietly to him, like a lit
tie gentleman, and tell him he ought
to have whig. Or, ifyonr father
+ is barber, ask him to please buy
some restorative Never holler at
him, and make fun of him, for wher-
ever there is a bald head there's
most always more or less bare about
somewhere. @ s:tf" A3.'.i,t
OF course you all read your libra
ry books that you get from Sunday
School, and you like them very
much. Now you've noticed how
the good boys in them always die
before they grow up and have q
chance at enjoying life It's my be
lief that good boys always die yung,
for I can't GO back ON the Sunday
School books. Therefore I don't ad
wise You to be good for you'll GER
tainly die, I'd recommend youto go
in and get as wicked as you possib-
ly can. Most any insurance compa-
ny will insure your life ifyon're des
perately wicked. For they can af-
ford to do it, you see. - -
'And yoH must always be careful
my dear children, to love your rela-
tions. You boys ought to be very
kind to your little sisters. I once
knew a bad boy who struck his sis,
ter a blow over the eye, and altho'
she didn't slowly fade away and die
in the early summer time, when the
June roses were blowing with words
of sweet forgiveness ON her pallid
lips, she rose9up and hit him over
TIE head with a rolling pin, so that
he couldn't go to Sunday school
for more than a month on account
of not being able to put his best7hat
on. SO love your sisters I say. /
never had a little sister of my own
but 1ecollect that / went out once
and loved another mans sister, but
she had a very wicked father, and
he hurt me very much, helping me
off his front doorsteps. But you
ought to love them, and always
obey your father and mother. If
your father tells You to do anything
and your mother tells you not to, it
don't make; any difference, you've
got to obey them both! I'llh leave
lit to the Superintendent, if the BIZ
ble don't sayso. a p .'oi5 7 ~ r..
"And you must go to school reg
,ilarly too, and never play truant or
any thing Of that kind / used to
know a boy who played truant one
day, and neveriwent to school at all
and what was the consequence q?
Why, the very next morning his
Aunt Sarah was bit and torn byEa
mad dog, who cIfawed her leg all
upLuntil she couldn't stand, and she
died. This, you see, how wicked
and sinfulziteis. to stay away from
school. y oua onghtato love your
teachers serymuch too, and rever-
ence thens When i went to- sc h DOL
the boys used to love the teacher so
much that they couldn't bear for
him to 90 out a minute, and they.
put shoeinalSer's wax on his chair
so as to hold him down And the
teacher said he W oald nevel, desert
us, never, but hewould always stick
to US And then. he used to get
down a big club about four feet long,
with ferrule on It, and do more stick
ting tha we thought was necessary
He was a good teacher, though. and
once when Ilasked him, if he could
whip me for a thing | didn't do, he
Said NO" and then 7 told him 1
hadn't done any 4shr,sa But he said
he believed he5d changerdlis omind,
and then fegged me like the nation.
Still we loved the teacher; when he
died the boys were SO glad to see
that he had a handsome coffin, and
they fairly sAeatetbfor joy ,.o,.
"And now my dear children, let
me CAUTION youu against the sin OF
letting your angry passion ;rll rrlsc:m -
Fighting is, q bad business" DR.;
Watts yoh Know, says'"99t' 80 s''''
"Let dogs delight to bark and bite, [
For tits theirnattlrei toos IL MOO ff.a,
But Satin still will have some work
For idle handsito do.
120Q|Fighting is very wicked indeed,
A few years ago / knew a boy who
was squaring IF and daring people
Ito fight him and saying he could
lick. them. more or less, all the time,
/ Aud what hecamp of fhis wretched