Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1867-09-27
Things Wise s. Otherwise.

Things Wise 81 Otherwise.
An editor published a long leader on
hogs. A rival paper I'm the same vii
lage upbraids him for obtruding his
family matters on the public.
Some men are like cats. You may
stroke the hair the right way for many
years, and hear nothing but purring;
but accidentally tread on the tail, and
all memory of former kindness ID 0blit-
Grated.
It is well said that whisky Is nom
conductor, because it never conducted
wealth into mans pocket, happiness
to his family, or respcctability to his
character. In all these things it hns
proved non-conductor and therefore
1t Is best to let 1t alone.
Mr.. Shay, a citizen Of Brooklyn, had
the misfortune to own female Gtyrt,
and the good fortune To posstss roll or
Treasury notes amounting to 5000. The
other day he left the notes OH the edge
Of the table and the Investigating goat.
In search Of miscellaneous scraps, took
them for green cabbage leaves, and did
not discover the mistake until the very
valuable representative Of vegetable
production was partially devoured.
Mr.. Shay was even more chagrined
than the goat, for an examination re-
vealed the fact that over $3.50 had bee n
destroyed.
When DR.. Franklin's mother-in.law
discovered that the young man had
hankering for her daughter, the good
old lady said she did not know 80 we'll
about giving her daughter to printer;
there were already two printing offices
In the United States, and she was not
certain the country would support them.
1t was plain young Franklin would de-
pend for support on the profits OF
third, and this was rather doubtful
chance. If such an objection was urged
to o would-be son-in-law when there
were but two printing Offices In the
United states, how can printer hope
to gets wife now, when the present
census shows the number to DO many
thousands.
A genius living In California made
nerve and hone ali.healing salvc, and
thought he would experimentnlize u
little with IL. He first cut off his dogs
tail and applied some of the salve to
the stump. A new tail grew out i'm
mediately. He then applied some to
the piece of tail which lie cut off, and
new dog grew out. He did not know
which dog was which.
There Is small Episcopal Church In
Philadelphia called by church going
citizens "lThe Church of st. James the
Less" Irreverent street boys, how
ever, style IL 1.-THE Little jimmy
Another church In the same city, to tho
construction OF which Jay Cooke con-
tributed largely, Is known as "The
Church of the Holy Flve-Twenties.
The "irreverent street boys' Of Syra-
cuse call, and not without an amount
Of appropriate humor, either, on ac-
count of Its peculiar spire, the church
on the corner Of Berkeley and Dover
streets, "The Church Of the Holy Cork
Screw" We remember to have heard
church on upper Broadway, In New
York, built of alternate layers of red
brick and white marble, called "The
Church of the Holy Zebra"
The house of the editor Of the Abing-
don Vi'yinidn was entered by burglars,
u few nights ago, and his watch and S5
In money stolen. The editor uf the
Lynchburg News says he was served
right-that he had no business with
money. The question Is "How did he
get so much money!" That question
Will puzzle many editors s.--,Stanton
Spectator.
The first lesson business man should
learn is the value of printers Ink. Let
him be ignorant OF that and all the
knowledge he possesses will be of little
value to him.
A Western paper contains the follow
Ing apology: ''The editor ID absent,
the foreman had the toothache, the
devil Is drunk aud trying to drink
lager beer out of a boot-jack, the press
Is out of order, and We ain't well our
selves-so please excuse q poor paper
A bashful young man escorted nm
equally bashflil young lady. Al they
approached the dwelling OF the damsel,
she said entreatingly, Ezekiel, now
don't tell anybody You beau'd me
home" "Sary, said he emphatically,
"don't you mind! / am as much
ashamed Of IL rs you are."
"Will you have daily Sun ~ said A
newsboy to Mrs. Partington. aWill /
have daily son? Why, you little
scapegrace? How dare you insinuate
against lone woman! No, indeed--r
guess l won't have daily son. NV
dear poor husband used to complain
awfully when / presented him with a
yearly son, indeed! Bcgone, you little
upstart impW And the old lady called
for the turkey-ta tail fan to keep her from
swooning.
A certain barber who lived In Rock
Island, having great gift OF CAB, used
to am use his customers with long yarns,
while he went through his functions
on their heads and faces. Ono day an
old codger came in, took his seat,
ordered a shave and hair cut. The
barber went to work, aud at the same
time, commenced a long yarn, tn the
no little dissatisfaction Of the old gen.
tleman who becoming irritated at the
barber, said:
"Cut IL shortn
"Yes, Sir, said the barber, continu-
Ing the yarn, until the old gent again
ordered, "cut 1t Short" say, "cat 1t
Short
"Yes sir.n clipping away and gab-
bling the faster.u
"Cut II short, cut It short,n any!
says the old gent.
"Yes Sir" says the barber going on
with his story.
"Will you cut 1t short, blast you! y,
bawls the old gent, In rnge.
"Can't, Sir" says the barber, "for II
you look In the glass, you see I've cue
u all off,"
And to his. horror. upon looking In
the glass, the old gentleman found all