The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-04-26
Hit aud Aamor.

country from tour in Italy, was asked
how he liked the ruins of Pompeii.
mot very WE'LL" was the reply, "they
are so out Of repair.
A YOUNG WOMAN tainted in New
York theatre few nights since, and
water being thrown into her face, she
revived, exclaiming, "Oh, my new bon.
nett"
JENNY" said venerable old man
to his daughter, who was asking his con-
sent to accompany her urgent and favor
ed suiter to the altar, "Jenny, 1t is a
very solemn thing to get married" ~
know it," replied Jenny, "but it's
heap solemner not to-"
"SALLY MANDER sAFE!" said Mrs.
Partington as her eyes fell on an adver-
tisement. "Do tell me, Isaac, who this
Sally Mander is, and what she's been
doing that they've got her safe?' 81
don't know what she's been doing" said
Ike, "but guess she is a sister to Jer-
ry." "Jerry who, Isaac I" Why Jerry
Mander," said Ike, as he resumed his
work by the window, catching flies and
impaling them.
"MR. SMITH, you once officiated in a
pulpit, did you mean that you preach
ed?"
"No, sir, held the light for the man
that did"
All, the court understood you differ
ent nt,--they supposed that the discourse
came from you"
"No, sir, only throwed light on
| it."
"No levity, Mr.. Smith. Crier, wipe
your nose, and call on the next witness"
DURING steam-voyage, on the sud-
den stoppage of the machinery, consid-
ablealarm took place, especially among
the female passengers.
| "What is the matter? What is the
matter? For Heavens sake tell me the
worstw exclaimed one more anxious
| than the rest.
After n short pause hoarSe voice from
the deck replied:
Nothing, madame, nothing; only
the bottom Of the vessel and the top Of
the earth are stuck together"
WoNAN's WILL.--Dip the ocean dry
with teaspoon; twist the heel into the
toe Of your boot; make postmasters
perform their promises, and subscribers
pay their printer; send up fishing hooks
with balloons and fish for stars get
astride a gossamer and chase comet;
when the rain is coming down like the
you left your umbrella; choke mos
quito with brickbat; hold Gibralter
at arms length in short, prove all
things heretofore considered impossible
to be possible, but never attempt to
coax a woman to say she will, when
she has made up her mind she won't.
Alas but too true.
THE FOLLY OF LAw.-Two Dutch.
men, who built and used in common a
small bridge over stream which ran
through their farms, had dispute con.
cerning some repairs which it required,
and one of them positively refused to
bear portion of the expense necessary
to the purchase of few planks. FL
nally the aggrieved party went to q
neighboring lawyer and placing ten dol
lars in his hand, saying:
| "I'll give you all dish money if you'll
make Hans do justice NIT de bridge"
"How much will it cost to repair it,"
asked the honest lawyer.
mo more ash five tollar," replied
the Dutchman.
Every well" said the lawyer, pock-
, citing one of the notes and giving him
2 the other; "take this and 60 get the
: bridge repaired; tits the best course
tyou can take"
"Yaas," said the Dutchman slowly,
"yaas, dat ish more better as to quarrel
> NIT Hans but as he went along home
'. he shook his head frequently, as if una
v ble, after all, to see quite clearly how
!; he had gained anything by going tc
!. law.
is ECCENTRIC DIvINE.--The Rev. Zeb
o rwitchell was the most noted minister
" in Vermont, for shrewd and laughabls
n sayings. In the pulpit he maintained
"A suitable gravity of manner and ex-
!, preston, and out Of the pulpit he over
a flowed with fun. Occasionally he would
IN if emergency required, say something
:, queer in a sermon for the sake of arous
=, ing the tagging attention of his hearers
- :. Seeing that his audience was getting
:, 5sleepy, he paused in his discourse, and
discoursed as follows: "Brethrsn, you
Haven't any idea Of the sufferings Of oui
ee missionaries in the new settlements, on
= account Of the mosquitoes. The mos
'p fQuitee< in some Of these regions are
u; enormous. A great many Of them weigh
r pound, and they will get on the logs
~ and barry when the missionaries are 70
ing along"
csl By this time all ears and eyes were
W open. and he proceeded to finish his dis
Is course.
ar The next day one Of his hearers called
him to account for telling lies in the
pulpit.
ne There never was mosquito that
q weighed pound" he said.
"a "But l did not say one OF them would
weigh pound. l said a great many
W and think million of them would"
to But you said they barked at the