Columbia democrat and star of the north. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1867, 1867-01-30
How to Cure a Topper.

man who knew Mr.. W very well. In
repeating the story 1 do so in the first per-
son, in order to give it more effect.
was enjoying my glass of flip one night
at the little old BLACK Horse that used to
stand mile out of s.; hadn't joined
the great army of teetotalers then, when a
neighboring farmer came in, whose modera-
ton at least in whiskey toddies was not
known unto all men. His name was W.
He was quiet sort of man when sober ];
lively and chatty under the effect of a single
drink, argumentative and Extensively dog
matte after the second toddy, and downright
insulting and quarrelsome after getting be-
yond that number of drinks. We liked him
and we disliked him, on that account. On
the occasion referred to, he passed through
all these changes, and finally sunk off to
sleep by the warm stove. Being in the way,
and also in danger of tumbling upon the
floor, some of us removed him to an old
settee, where he slept soundlyi entertaining
us with rather an unmusical serenade.
There were two or three mischievous fell
lows about the place, and one of them sug
gested it would be capital fun to black
VS. face and make darkey of him.
No sooner said than done some lamp-black
and oil were mixed in an old tin cup and
coat of the paint laid over the face of Mr..
W, who, unconscious of what had been
done, slept on as soundly as ever. Full two
hours passed away before he awoke; stag
gering up to the bar, he called for another
glass of whiskey toddy while We made the
old bar-room ring again with our peals of
laughter.
''What are you all laughing at p said he,
as he became aware that he was the subject
of merriment, and turning his black face
around upon the company as he spoke.
''Give us old Zip Coon, old fellow"
called out one of the boys who had helped
him to his beautiful mask.
''No, no, Lucy Long, give US Lucy
Long," cried another
Cant you dance Jim Crow?' try it;
I'll sing the wheel l-abeut and turn-about and
do just so /; now Begin and the last speaker
commenced singing 'Jim Crow. :
Mr.. W neither understood nor relish
ed all this, but the more angry and mystiied
he became, the louder laughed the company
and the freer became their jests. At last,
in a passion, he swore at us Justify and leav-
ing the bar-room in high dudgeon, took his
horse from the stable and rode off, 1t was
past eleven o'clock, the night was cold, and
a ride of two miles made Mr.. W sober
enough to understand that he had been
rather drunk, and was still a good deal in
for it, and that it wouldn't exactly do for
his wife to see him just as he was, so he
rode mile past his house, and then back
again at a slow tror. Considering, by this
time, that the good woman was fast asleep,
land so she was) he entered the house, crept
silently up the stairs, and got into bed with
out his better-half being any the wiser of
his whereabouts. On the next morning
Mrs W awoke first, but what was her
surprise and horror upon rising up to see in
stead of her lawful husband, what she
thought a strapping negro, as black as char
coal, lying at her side. Her first impression
was to scream but her presence of mind, in
this trying position, enabled her to keep 81
lent You may be sure she didn't remain
long in such close contact with Mr.. Darkey
not she-for slipping out of bed quickly
but noiselessly she glided out of the room
and was soon down stairs in the kitchen,
where two-fsted Irish girl was at work
preparing breakfast.
"Oh dear, Kitty" she exclaimed, pant
ing for breath and looking as pale as ghost,
''have you seen anything of Mr.. W
this morning p
"Och! no; but what ails you ? you are
white as a shate.
''Oh mercy, Kitty, you wouldn't believe
it, but there is monstrous negro in my
room"
''Gracious me, Mrs W, nager?"
Eyes, indeed, Kitty returned Mrs.
W trembling in every limb, ''and worse,
he is in my room; T just awoke and [ thought
it was Mr.. W by my side, but when l
looked over I saw, instead of his face, one
as black as the stove. Mercy on me, l was
frightened almost to death.
''Is he aslape2 asked Kitty.
''Yes, sound asleep and snoring. Oh |!
dear, what shall we do; where in the world
is Mr.. W? I'm afraid this negro has
murdered him.
''Ochl blasted numbering thafe," ex-
claimed Kitty.
Her organ of combativeness, which was
very large, becoming very excited at this
time, burst out in the following strain:
SECT into Mistress bed and the Teddy there
herself; the d-n hound the black muir
dering thafe of villain T.
And Kitty thinking of no danger to her
self and making no calculation as to conse-