The daily Gate City. [volume] (Keokuk, Iowa) 1855-1916, 1867-06-27
Che @ate Gitp.
CONCERNING SKATING.

CONCERNING SkATINGt
ACurtain Lecture TO Mrs. Mark Twain
ooh! 60 to sleep, you old fool ~
Mr.. Twain, | am surprised and grieved
to
s'Don't interrupt me, woman tell you
s absurd-you learn to skate You II be
wanting to play fairy in the Black Crook
next | tell you skating is an accomplish
ment suited only to youth and comeliness of
face and symmetry of figure. Nothing is So
charming as to see beautiful girl, in the co.
quetish costume of the Kinks, with cheeks ro-
sy with exertion, and eyes beaming with ex
element, skimming the ice like bird-snd
swooping down upon group of gentlemen,
and pretending she cant stop herself, and
landing in the arms Of the very young man
her father don't allow her to know-and
darling away again and falling on her head
and exposing herself-exposng herself to re-
marks about her carelessness, Madam-hold
your tongue-and always taking care to fall
when that young man is close by to pick
her up. 1t is charming! They look pretty
and interesting, too, when they are Just
learning-when they stand still long time
in one place, and then start one foot gingerly,
and it makes break for the other side Of the
pond and leaves the balance of the girl
fat and awkward and dismal enough any
tme and when you are on skates
you waddle of as stufy, and stu
pid and @ungaiuiy, as a buzzard that
had half horse for diuDer | won't have
it, Madam And you get under little pre-
carious Roadway and then put your feet to-
gether and drift along, STOPPING your head
and shoulders and holding your arms out like
you expected a church was going to fall on
you 1t aggravates the life out OF mel And
Tuesday, when | was ass enough to get on
skates myself, and kicked the Irish Giant
eve out the FIRST dash, and lit on my head
and cracked the ice so that it looked like the
sun with all its rays and had dropped where
| struck, and they fined me ninety-two dol
lars for running the mans pond, was terri
fed with the conviction that | had gone
through to the inside OF the world. because
saw the parallels Of latitude glimmering all
around me- ami what was it but you, in your
awkwariness, fetching up over me with your
COMPOUNDED filters on2 You We got to dis
card those things. | can't stand the pew
rent, ard won't.
Mr. Twain, | am surp-''
=" Hold your clatter. tell you you shan I
bring odium upon the family by your dis
graceful attempts to skate, sprawling around
with your big feet like COW blowing her
you wouldn't be so handy about displaying
these feet Of yours if you knew what occurred
when took your shoes down to get mended. y |
"What was it2 Tell me what it was tell |
NE what it was this minute? Lust know it's
one Of your lies.
"Ohl don't mind it amt Of any conse-
quence 60 to sleep"
"But it is OF consequence You have
got to tell me; you shan t aggravate me this |
way: | won go to sleep till know what it
was
sob, it wash anything.
"Mr. Twain, know better You re just
doing this to drive me to distraction. What |
did that shoemaker say about my shoe? What
did be do2 Quick
"Wen, you must know, he-however, it's
no cor sequence.
"Mr. Twain.
"Wen, he-he took it and gazed upon it
long time in silence, put his handkerchief to
his eyes, and burst into tears.
"Why. you born fooli Train are you going
stark staring crazy2'
He just stood there and wept as if his
heart would break, poor devil! There, now,
LETT 20 to sleep.
sleep you lunatic, I'll never close my
eyes till / know what that IDIOT was CRYING
about-and YOU won't either, can tell you
that Comet
"Oh It don't matter.
"hir. Twain, il you say that again, | say
II make You sorry for ii; what was that nuns
skull crying about?'
"Weil he-he-he-n
"W.e-ll, he. Out with it Do you want
me to-to-Twain. I'll snatch them pet
fringes of till the sides of your head s as bald
as the top of it,
" Well he-poor fellow The said be dotted
~, I.- tbar-fa,rfx dosc1 IN ber
She had nursed him, you know, because his
mother was feeble, and so-Well. he came to
MS country fifteen years ago, and first he set
up in the vegetable line, and got along pretty !
we'll and was about to send to England for
the old lady. when hard times came and he
got broke He went into fruit then, and after
that into milk-into all sorts of things. you
know but he got disappointed every time till
this present business fetched him out at last.
all right, and he sent right off for the old
woman. She landed here four weeks ago.
but died the very same night. 1t was hard
very hard, after all his waiting and toilng
for fifteen years, to get her over here at last
and have her die on his hands. He--he -
well, he was disguised. However, be laid
her out, and he and his friends sat up with /
her aud by the memory Of her virtues soften.
ed his bitterness aud turned it to tender
grief-a settled melancholy that hung about
his spirits ike pail for many days. How
ever, BY patiently striving to keep sad
thought out Of his mind, he was finally be-
ginning to regain some little of his old time
Cheerful ness when your shoe reminded him
go painfully Of his poor sainted grandmother s
coffin
Take that you brute if you dare to come
back here l'h kick you ont again You de- I
graded old luiian