Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1867-05-24
Curing a Cold.

Mr. Mark Twain gives his experience in
curing his cold in so quaint and unique
style, that we copy it in full for the benefF
of our readers:
1t is good thing, perhaps, to write for
the amusement of the public, but it is a far
higher and nobler thing TO write for their
instruction, their profit, their actual and
tangible benefit The latter is the sole object
of this article. If it prove the means of re-
storing to health one solitary sufferer
among my race, of lighting up orce more
the fire of hope and joy in his faded eyes of
bringing back to his dead heart again the
quick, generous impulses of other days, |
shall be amply rewarded for my labor my
soul viii be permeated with the sacred de-
light Christian feels when he has done a
good, unselfish deed
Having led pure and blameless life,
am justified in believing that no man who
knows me will reject the suggestions / am
about TO make, cut of fear that / am try
ing TO deceive him Let thepublic do itself
the honor TO read my experience in doctor
ing cold, as herein set forth, and then fol-
low in my footsteps.
When the White House was burned in
Virginia, lost my home, my happiness, my
constitution and my trunk. The loss ofthe
two first named articles was matter ofno
great consequence, since home without
mother or sister, or distant young female
relative in it, to remind you, by putting
your soiled linen out of sight, and taking
your boots down off the mantle-piecc, that
there are those who think about you and
care for you, is easily obtained And /
cared nothing for the loss ofmy happiness,
because, not being poet, il could not be
possible that melancholy would abide with
me long
But TO lose good constitution and bet
ter trunk were serious misfortunes.
On the day of the fire, my constitution
succumbed to a severe cold caused by undue
exertion in getting ready to do something
i suffered to no purpose, too, because the
plan was figuring at for the extinguishing
OF the fire was so elaborate, that I never
got it completed until the middle of the
following week.
The first time began to sneeze, friend
told me to go and battle my feet in hot water
and go to bed. / did So Shortly after
ward, another friend advised me to get up
and take cold shower bath. did that
also. Within the hour another friend as
sured me that 1t MAS policy to feed a cold
and starve a fever / had both. So |
thought il best to fill myself up for cold,
and then keep dark and let the fever starye
awhile
In case of this kind, seldom do things
by halves ate petty heartily | conferred
my custom upon stranger who had just
opened his restaurant that morning; he
waited near me in respectful silence until
had finished feeding my cold, when he in
quired if the people about Virginia were
much afflicted with colds? | told him |
thought they were He then went out, and
took in his sign. i started down toward
the Office, and on the way encountered an
other bosom friend, who told me that
quart of salt water, taken warm, would
come as near curing cold as anything in
the world. i hardly thought | had TO m
for it, but tried it anyhow. The Jesuit
was surprising. i believe / threw up my
immortal soul.
Now, as am giving my experience only
tor the benefit of those who are troubled
with the distemper am writing about,
feel that they will see the propriety of my
cautioning them against following such
portions of it as proved inefficient with me-
and acting upon this conviction, | warn
them against warm salt water. 1t may be
good enough remedy, but think it is too
severe. III had another cold in the head,
and there were no course left me but to take
either an earthquake or quart of warm
salt water, would take my chances on the
earthquake.
Alter the storm which had been raging
in my stomach had subsidized, and no more
good Samaritans happening along, l went
on borrowing handkerchiefs again and
blowing them to atoms, as had been my
custom in the early stages of my cold, un-
til came across a lady who had just arriv-
ed from over the plains, and who said she
had lived in part of the country where
doctors were scarce, and had from necessity
acquired considerable skill in the treatment
of simple family complaints / knew she
must have had much experience, for she ap-
peared to be hundred and fifty years old
She mixed decoction composed of mo-
lasses, aqua forts, turpentine and various
other drugs, and instructed me to take a
wine-glass full Of it every fifteen minutes
i took but one dose; that was enough
it robbed me of all moral principle, and
awoke every unworthy impulse of my
nature. Under its malign influence my
brain conceived miracles of meanness, but
my hands were too feeble to execute them
at that time, had it not been that my
strength had surrendered to a succession Of
assaults from infallible remedies for my
cold, am satisfied that would have tried
TO rob the graveyard ss-e
Like most other people often feel mean
and act accordingly; but, until took tina,
medicine, 1 had never revealed in such
supernatural depravity and felt proud of it
At the end of two days / was ready to 90 IL
aoctoring again. Itook few more unfail