Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1867-03-07

spring.
Why is lady Of fashion like sue
cessial sportsman Because she bags
the hare.
Why should the birds feel depressed
early in a summer morningy Because
their bills are all over dew
Msn't there an awfully strong
smell of pigs in the air asked Smith
ofJones. "Yes," replied Jones, "thats
because the wind is from the SOW
west"
Weak doses of washboard are now
recommended to ladies who complain
of dyspepsia Young men troubled
in the same way may be cured by
strong preparation of wood-saw.
~ don't like to patronize this line"
said culprit to the hangman, who
was adjusting the moose around his
neck. 80 never mind this once, re-
piled the hangman, ait will soon sus-
pend its operation"
A Yankee girl, who wished to hire
herself out, was asked if she had any
followers or sweethearts. After little
hesitation, she replied: "Well, now,
cant exactly say be sorter cour-
ted, and sorter not. Reckon more
a sorter yes than sorter no.
A daily newspaper man, who has
Just gone out of the traces, says he is
becoming quite well acquainted with
his family. He'shortly discovered, to his
great surprise, that his daughter could
play quite well upon the piano. He
never had time to discover the fact
before.
Between two of the shining lights
ofan "up-town church" in Louisville,
a gentleman of seventy and lady of
fifty-four, hymenial fires were lately
kindled, but the sold man" cruelty
extinguished the flames, and the heart
broken matron sues for breach of
promise.
A Western farmer, being obliged to
sell yoke of oxen TO pay his hired
man told him he could not keep him
any longer.
"Why," said the man, "I'll stay and
take some of your COWS in place Of
money"
"But what shall do" said the far
mer, "when my cows and oxen are all
gone 2"
"Why, you can work for me and
get them back"
AS HIGH AS A HoGsHEAD.-An arch
little fellow told his pretty cousin that
he could jump as high as a hogshead
in the yard, full of rainwater. "Im-
possible" said She "Well," said he,
"ifyou will 90 out with me I'll prove
it TO you" They together went, and
the lad jumped up about foot, sniek-
ering all the while "Why, that isn't
a quarter as high as the hogshead,"
said the little girl. "Well," said the
boy, "you may see IF thehogshead can
jump higher, if you have a mind to.
But / don't believe the hogshead can
jump as high as l can"
MAN UNDER THE BED.-Most oftAe
the unmarried ladies enjoy pleasant
delusion. They seem to think that
men have mania for getting under
beds. Accordingly very few of them
retire for the night without first going
through the ceremony of looking
the-e. Delightful as are the illusions
of hope which beguile us for years,
we have never known but one instance
in which the search was rewarded by
success. The discovery was announced
by little scream of delight, and the
lucky lady was congratulated by her
companion with the remark, @Well.
Jane, | am glad you have found one
for to my certain knowledge you
have been looking for him for these
twenty years"
A handsome young girl was set up
with one night by noble specimen
Of the true American, with scissors
in his vest pocket mean dry
goods clerk and the mother hearing
something pop, rose from her couch
under the impression that her eldest
boy was holding wild revel on the
root beer in the west room. But, on
opening the door, she discovered it
was hugging and kissing which awak
ened her from her peaceful repose.
"My darter, my darter p this fond
parent did cry. 80 that should live
TO see this doin's in my house p
81 know mother" thssweet maiden
did to her mother quick reply, "that
it's improper, but it's so orful soothin."
Some "old fogy" perpetrates the
following;
FARMERS IN l776.
Man to the plow,
Wife to the COW,
Girl to the yarn,
Boy to the barn,
And all dues settled
FARMERS IN 1867.
Man a mere show,
Girls at piano,
Wife--silk and satin,
Boy-Greek and Latin,
And all hands easetted.
A western cotemporarv. after read.
ing the above, advocates the es-
tablishment Of Seminaries for young
ladies where spinology, knitology,
weaveology, cookology,&c can be
taught--the graduates to receive the
degree of F. +. W, or Fit for Wives
PAYING LIKE A SINNER.-Several
years ago, in North Carolina, where
1t is customary for the tavern-kecpers
to charge the ministers nothing for
lodging and refreshments, a preacher
presumingly stopped at tavern one
evening, made himself comfortable
during the night, and in the morning