The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1867-04-12
FEMALE SUFFRAGE.
Views of Mark Twain.
Missouri Democrats.

E((IOI'S VI tSSOtUI D6UtOfTH.
have read the long list of lady pc
titioners in favor of female suffrage,
and as a husband and father want to
protest against the whole business. 1t
will never do to allow women to vote.
1t will never do to allow them to hold
office. You know, and / know, that
if they were granted these privileges
there would be no more peace on earth.
They would swamp the country with
debt. They like to hold Office too well.
They like to be Mrs President Smith
of the Dorcas Society, or Mrs. Secreta-
ry Jones of the Hindoo Aid Associa-
ton, or Mrs. Treasurer of something
or other. They are fondof the distinc-
ton of the thing, you know; they rev.
elm the sweel jingle of the title. They
are always setting up sanctified confed-
erati0ns of all kinds, and then running
for President of them. They are even
so fond of Office that they are willing
to serve without pay. But you allow
them toyote and go to The Legislature
once, and then see how it will be. They
will 90 to work and start a thousand
more societies, and cram them full of
salaried offices. You will see state of
things then that will stir your feelings
to the bottom of your pockets. The
first fee bill would eXasperate you some.
Instead of the eusual schedule for judges,
State printer, Supreme Court clerks,
&C., the list would read something like
this:
OFFICES AND SALARIES.
President Dorcas Society, $4,000
Subordinate officers of same, each, 1000
Pres't Ladies Union prayer meet
ing, 5000
Pres't Pawnee Educational Soci-
ETY., 1000
Pres't of Ladies' society for dis
semination of Bellies Letters a.
mong the ShoshOnes, 5000
State Crinoline Directress, 10000
State Sup't of Waterfalls, 10000
State Hair Oil Inspectress, 10000
State Milliner, $4,000
You know what a state of anarchy
and social chaos that fee bill would Gre
ate. Every woman in the Common
wealth of Missouri would let 60 every
thing and run forState Milliner. And
instead of ventilating each others po-
litical antecedents, as men do, they
would go straight after each others
private moral character. (IknOw them
they are all like my wife, Before
the canvass was three days old it would
be an established proposition that ev
cry woman in the State was ''no better
than she ought to be-" Only think how
it would lacerate me to have an OppO-
sition candidate say that about my wife.
That is the idea, you know-having
other people say these hard things.
Now, know that my wife isn't any
better than she ought to be, poor dew
lin fact, in matters of orthodox doc
trine, she is particularly shaky-but
still | would not lii these things aired
in political contest. / don't really
suppose that that woman will stand a.
ny more show hereafter than-hOwev-
er, she may improve-she may even be-
come beacon light for the saving of
others-but if she does, she will burn
rather dim, and she will flicker a good
deal, too. But, as | was saying, fe-
male political canvass would be an out
rageous thing.
Think of the torch-light procession
that would distress our eyes. Think of
the curious legends on the Transparent
cies:
"Robbins forever! Vote for Sallie
Robbins, the only virtuous candidate
in the fieldv"
And this:
"Chastity, modesty, patriotism! Let
the great people stand by Maria San
ders, the champion of morality and
progress, and the only candidate with
a stainless reputation"
And this:
"Vote for Judy McGinnis, the incor-
ruptible Nine children-one at the
breastn'
In that day a man shall say to his
servant, "What is the matter with the
baby ?" and the servants shall reply,
''It has been sick for hours" "And
where is its mother?" "She is out e.
Iectioneering for Sallie Robbins" And
such conversations as these shall trans
pire between ladies and servants ap-
plying for situations: "Can you cook 2"
eyes" "Wash 2" "Yes." "Dogen-
eral housework ," eyes" "All right !;
who is your choicefor State milliner?"
"Judy McGinnis." "Well, YOU can