Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-03-08
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Why an apothecary sells eod-liyer oil. To
repcnish his coughers (coaers).
WANTED, the receipt which is given when
gentleman pays his respects.
Toss a chimuey-sweep into the river if you
would make a clean sweep.
''You are too pointed, y as the muffin said
to the toasting-fork
I'll. make man of you, as the sculptor
said to the marble.
EVERY thirsty dog, when he finds water
turns lap-dog.
CHARITY covers multitude OF sins the
tailor multitude of sinners.
WHAT is that which is so brittle, that if you
name it you are sure to break it? Silence.
TuE easiest and best way to expand tb.
chest is to hsve good large heart in it.
SlN is as much foreruuner of misery as
the forward wheels of a coach are of the hind
ones.
THERE is a girl in Maryland who weighs
over four hundred pounds. a nice arm-full
for somebody
Ifall the worlds a stage, many a chap of
our acquaintance would like nightly to be a
stage driver
CAUGHr in her own net, as the man said
when he saw one of the fair sex hitched il
her crinoline.
ANY thing to please the child as the nurse
said when she let the baby crawl ont of the
third story window.
Why isn't boy ike pretty bonnet Be
caase the one becomes a woman, the other
don't.
IN the beginning woman consisted of sin
gle lib. Now she's all ribs, from her belt to
the rim of her petticoats.
Why is an axe like coffee Il must be
ground before it can be used.
AwonAS may speak as many tongues as
she viii, but don't let her do it with too long
one of her own.
:'SAN why am de hogs de most intelligent
folks in de world 2' Because dey nose ever
ything. -
Aunt Betsy says, "a newspaper is like
wife, because every man should have one of
his own" Aunt Betsy is right.
WuY does the eye resemble a schoolmaster
in the act Of iogging? Ithas pupil under
the lash.
Why are country girls cheeks like French
calico? Because they are warranted to
wash and retain their color
''TnERE are ties that never should be sew
cred, as the ill-used wife said when she
found her brute Of husband hanging in the
hay loft.
The old bachelor who had been waiting for
the lapse of ages, has finally tried the laps of
young ladies', and is quite pleased with the
result.
Lucy Stone once said; "There is cotton
in the ears of man, and hope in the bosom Of
woman?" Lucy made a mistake, and get
the cotton in the wrong place.
"IsAAc, my son, let the good book be a
lamp unto thy path Mother, replied the
thoughtful Isaac, II should think that was
making light of sacred things"
SALLY, said fellow to a girl who had red
hair, keep away from me or you will set me
me onfre. No danger of that, replied Sal
ly, you are too green to burn.
Az editor, who was asked to respond to a
toast to woman, declined on the ground that
woman is able to speak for herself, and any
man who undertakes to do it for her will get
himself into trouble.
Two Irishmen were travelling when they
stopped to examine guide board ''Twelve
miles to Portland said one. Just Sex
miles apiece said the other. And they
trudged on, apparently well satisfied at the
small distance.
A FARMERS boy was told to give the COWS
some cabbages, and to give the COW that
yielded the most milk the largest share He
literally obeyed the order, and deposited the
largest share on the pump.
"BoYs what is all that noise in school ?''
"Its Bill Skies initiating a locomotive"
''Come NJ here William if you have turn,
ed into a locomotive, it's time you were
switched of.
FooTE, praising the hospitality of the Irish
afte- one of his trips to the sister kingdom,
gentleman asked him whether he had ever
been at Cork. mo sir, replied Foote, ''but
1 have seen many drawings of it."
WHEN an Irish priest rebuked his parish
oner for drunkenness, and told him that
"whenever he entered an ale house to drink
his guardian angel stood weeping at the
door" "And eff he had sixpence he'd be
in himself" was Pats reply.
''MY Dear said a gentleman to young
lady, whom he hoped to marry, "do you
intend to make fool of me ?''
"No," replied the lady, Mature has saved
me the trouble"
The pompous epitapb of a close-fsted citi
zen closed with the following passage Of
Scripture:
''He that giveth to the poor lendeth to the
Lord"
''Dat may be, solloquised Sambo-''but
when dat man died de Lord din't owe him
red cent
RECEIPTS THAT NEVER FAIL.-To destroy
rats-catch them one by one and hattcn their
heads with lemon squeezer.
Tokill cockroaches-get a heavy pair Of
boots then catch your reaches and put them