The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1867-05-29
A Patent Hard-shell Sermon.

believe IN preachn from tue Skrlptefs NV
divine truth 'thout Tine commanded. l
bin q studdyin bout it a heap, and haint
rite ded shore whether Tine commanded
to preach today Or no, and when we
don't know what to do the Sllriptei tells
US not to be gided by sines and wonders
and tokens. So yonder sets q juy-bird on
that ar stump out yaDder; if hit Hize, hits
siheI'me TO preach, and the fast pasidge
Nv Skripter j lay my ize on arter opeliin
the word, hits to be the tex. (Some one
just then passing near the stump, the
bird few.) Thar, hits gone, and here's
tie tex: They that (reading very slow
ly) are not.fur US are aginst US, and they
that gethercth, not with us scatter
eth (spelling) scratches d b-r-o-a.d board,
They tint ar not fur us ar agin US. and
they that together not with US scratcheth
a board. Now, my brethern Quitting on
small head Of steam, which the reader
will imagine to increase as the Rev. cler-
gyman warns With his subject,) these
words ar found in the leds nv the Bible
ali. This solIum sentens Gums to you
frum the Skripters Nv di2ine truth, and
hits God thretnin Nv you-taint me,
yore poor, unworthy pastor-ah.
They that ar not fur us ar agin ,us-ah.
Now. in order fur us to find out who's
not agin US, we must fust fad out who's
fur US; and in the mex place, in order to
find out who's agin us, we must find out
who amt fur us.ah. Thar's the Prisby-
tcrean, with Ills saft-6ngered religion,
iand he's agn us-all. And thar's the mis-
sionery Babtis with Ills high. school rei-
oion. and he's agin us.ah. Ard thar's the
Metherdis with his backslidin religion,
and he's agin us-ah. And thar's the poor
hard d-hartened, heli-desarvin sinner ah,. a
runnin three times Eastern a dose Nv salts
ali. fand here let me say J. don't believe
the whale TUX salts when Jonar wus in,
his belly-leastwise sich amt my opinion
aha and he's agin us-ah. Yes, thar's
the Prisbytercans-ah,- nissionerys-ali,
Metherdsts-ah, sinners and devils-ah,.
all q workin and rootin and prizen'
andaa skruin and twistin to try to up
root the Hard-shells-ah but, glory to
Heaven, they kant do it, bekase it's the
Hard-shells-ah. Yes-ah; it's shell on the
TOD and shell on the bottoni-ah shell ON
the outerds and shell on the innerds-ah.
And they kant brake it, nur they kant
crack it-ah. They jest as well try to
dip the. oshun dry with 81 teaspoon, ur
ride my sun Isick's wild bob-tailed pony
with cockspur under the saddle-ah.-
They cant do it-no, my sistcrs-ah, they
can't and they shan't and they never
n't-ah-leustwise sich is my ,urpin-
Jonah. And this tetcbes inc to the Sec
ond pintin my tex-ah. They that getner
not with us scratcheth u board-ah. Oh!
nv friends, it makes me shake and trim
bic wus tllan old Bill Shazer when |
think about this orful and solum sentens-
ali and this punishment, which it'scems
like it's wus nor any man can stand it-ah;
hit makes my ole neze pop tugether like
the boys beetin NV the bones when /
think about-it-ah-when think who's
got to mete this orful sentens and attend
to this solum scratcbn-;lh Ha it's.
them that gethereth not with us-ah; it's
them as dol't attend the getherins uy the
Hard-shells, but strays round clsewhar
like luce hosses-ah. iqSatonl have 'em all
:, scratchin board, and that's what
makes 'em call him Old Scratch-ah. Yes.
metLinx see wi the ze. O my inner man
the saft-6ngcred Prisbyterians, the high
schooled missionaries, and the back-slidin
Metherdsts-,l motley garg-ah-a march
in into hell fore abreast, q weepin and u
wailin anda nashn Nv their teeth, and a
scratchin NV thar board-ah. .4.s
An methix see the poor, cusscd mis-.
cradle sinner, bumped down like unto a
tailor cuttin out q kote, q ascratchin away
at his board-ah. All! my brealhrin, you
that had the each and the smallpoX-ah,
see the tears striclllin down yore tases,
but it won't be that kind Nv scratchin-ah.
Hit won't be saft fesh-ah; hit'l be hard
wood-at,; hit won't be a ezin whar you
scratch-ah, whar you feel the eachin. No,
no; YOU won't have no time to attend to
that kind nv scratchn nur nuthin else but
scntchin NV board-ah. Them folks as
fings thar monny away on Sunday skules
and missionerys and sich as that, them l
have to scratch a board-ah. And them
TINT plazo the fiddle, and them that bets,
and them that plaze kards, and them that
crosses thar legs when they'rea dancin-
ah. Them don't attend the gethcrins, and
they've got to scratch thar evetlastln
board, fur what sayeth tho Skriptcr-ah !?
They that gether not with US scratcheth
a board.ah. All! young man (alludng to
one of the audiencc,) you needn't to set
over thar lookin at mo as kunnin as q
fox in hen house trying to gain the ef-
fections Nv stanghigh, settin thar a
latin at the Skipters-ah. You'll be in
- in a few years more-ah, a weepin,
and waiing, and a nashin NV yore teeth,
and a scratchin Nv yore board-ah. And
it amt a-gwino to be nun Nv your salt
white-pino boards;ah. No. my poor, yeip
ing sinner, hit'I be a hard, snary, nctty
black-gum board-ah-leastwsc, slcf .1I is my ~
urpinion; land thar you'll have to scratch
| - -. ! 4 ,oro tnl, wus'n q oraV.