davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
MANS VANITY.

Women, when their sex is accused
of vanity, will acknowledge "the soft
impeachment" But men will round
ly deny it, This does not, however,
diminish in women the conviction that
the vanity exists, notwithstanding all
disclaimers. Take the vanity Of dress
That women should be careful to
dress as well as others, is often given
as an instance OF their vanity Are
there no men to whom the length or
width of coat, the placing of but
tons, the set of shirt front, the width
and shape of collar, the fashion of
a necktie, are objects of unceasing
anxiety The time which women
spend in arraying themselves has Of
ten been made matter of reproach. -
But it is withing our knowledge that
men will spend more than an hour in
dressing for dinner. If a woman
spend much time in getting up, we
have at least a work of art as the re-
suit Of the pains taking but man
after all is but a creature i'll no wise
distinguishable from all the others Of
the sex at any social gathering
Closely connected with the vanity Of
personal appearance. No women
consult their glass with more anxiety
than many men. Wrinkles and gray
hairs are grevious to them and the
restorative arts of the beautifiers are
not devoted exclusively to the service
of the fair sex. Do not men grieve
when they begin to lose their good
figure Do they not subject them
selves to tortures in the matter of
boots! Are all those boards and
moustaches cultivated and kept in or
der without thought and is there no
exultation when these appendageS
are abundant and of the desired color
and texture? What pains must be
taken that the line which divides
mems "back hair" may be straight |!
Double glasses aid pairs of brushes,
contortions of body and much agony
of mind, must be brought into requis-
itioH before the desired effect is ac-
complished
Then there is the vanity OF infiu.
enCe over the other sex. As Lords
of the cleation," they feel.they ought
to have influence and we never met
man, however mean and insignif-
cant, who was no. firmly impressed
with the notion that, if he so, willed
it, all the women of his acquaintance
would be ''at his feet" There is also
the vanity "i opinion-perhaps we
ought 10 say Of the iufabiIlty Of opin-
ion. Occasionally women dogmatiza
bnt they are in most cases ready to
admit that there are subjects about
which they do not know everything.
But when men utter an opinion they
seem to consider it final, and that any
one who disagrees with them is eth.
knave or fool. They may not say
SO, but it is evident they think it.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
TOWANDA, BRADFORD COUNTY, Pa APRIL Is, 1867

being nearly perfected at the time
of his arrest. He is careful to alb,
stain from saying what these ar.
rangements were, who were his ac-
completes and informers, or where he
was to find a place of refuge. All
this he considers a part of the sacred
mystery that is 10 enshrine his name
in immortal fame. He tells it as an
instance OF cuteness, deserving of
great credit-one of the incidents in
his career that is notable.
Many poor prisoners, whose crimes
are scarcely worth mention in COM
parison with the great crime associa-
ted with Surratt's name, would re-
joice could their lifetime be spent as
comfortably as are the prison-hours
of this universally accused assassin.
An entire corridor, fully thirty feet
in length and eight in breadth, with
three large cells, are placed entirely
at his disposal. In this corridor he
is excluded from the common prison
ers 'and the curious visitors by a
tight door, closing within the usual
door or iron grating, whenever it is
not agreeable to him to seek the
open air of the prison courtyard. At
night , My does he have occasion to
feel the rigors of confinement, when
he is located in the central of the
three cells, commodious apartment,
at least ten feet square. True, the
furniture is scant, CONSISTING merely
of a stool and a mattress laid upon
the stone floor, though amply provid-
ed with coverings.
To while away the sometimes te-
dious hours of the day he is provided
with a plentiful assortment of books,
embracing the field of literature from
tue Divine truth to the smallest hu-
man trash Comforts, and even lux
uries for the toilet, are also abund-
ant. His cuisine seems to be care
fully looked after by outside frieeds,
and no restrictions placed upon the
amount or variety that is sent him.
Instead of the brown loaf and boiled
beef of ordinary prisoners, Surratt
has the choicest domestic cookery,
selected with the sole view Of pleas.
ing his palate.
Moreover, the comforts OF home
are provided for him in the frequent
and protracted visits of his sister,
who calls al least each alternate day,
and spends the time with him, cheer
ing him by her presence and minis
tering to his comforts. True, on
these occasions the veteran keeper
before alluded to shares the apart
ment with the brother and sister, but
the surveillance he exercises is mere
ly matter Of form, and for any res
traint ii exerts upon the intercourse
Of the brother and sister might as
we'll be dispensed with Washington
correspondence Philadelphia Ledger.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

CHINESE JUGGLERs-Ibu B ,tuta, an
Arabian traveller, who spent the thir-
ty years between 1925 and 1855 in
wanderings in the East, relates that
one night he fell in with a Chinese
Juggler. He says
He took wooden ball with sew
eral holes in it, through which long
thongs were passed, and laying hold
of one of these slung it into the air.
1t went SO high that We lost sight of
it altogether. There now remained
only little of the end of a thong in
the conjurer's hand, and he desired
one of the boys who assisted him, to
lay hold of it and mount. He did so,
climbing by the thong and we lost
sight of him also. The conjurer then
called to him three times, but getting
no answer, he snatched up a knife as
if in great rage, laid hold OF the
thong and disappeared also. By and
by he threw down one of the boys
hands, then a foot, then the other
hand and the other foot, then the
trunk, and last of all the head. Then
he came down himself, and all puff
fing and painting, land with his clothes
all blood but presently he took the
lads limbs, laid them together in
their places, and gave kick when,
presto there was the boy, who got
up and stood before us. All this"
adds, the veracious traveller, aston
ished me beyond measure, and | had
an attack Of palpitation like that
which overcame me once before in
the presence of the Sultan of India,
when he showed me something of the
same kind"
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
A YEAp,s WnpK or npAAf SrIr1

A YEARS WORK OF DRAM SELLING
Carefully compiled statistics show
that sixty thousand lives are annual.
ly destroyed by intemperance in the
United States.
One hundred thousand men and
women are yearly sent to prison iii
consequence of strong drink.
Twenty thousand children are yeaf-
ly sent to the poor house for the
same reason.
Three hundred murders are anolh-
er Of the y early fruits Of intemper
ance.
Four hundred suicides follow tIe-r
fearful catalogues of miseries.
Two hundred thousand orphans are
bequeathed each year to private and
public charity.
Two hundred million dollars are
yearly expended to produce tins
shocking amount Of crime and mise
cry, and as much more is lost from
the same cause.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
BILL SIMPSONS LEGAL EXPE-
RIENCE.

Many years ago the Legislature OF
Tennessee passed an act to organic
the county Of McNairy. At that time
the county embraced in the limits Of
Snake, was occupied by sturdy set
of backwoodsmen, totally uuacquai0
ted with courts, jails, etc The cOuE
try assembled at the appointed site
for the purpose of cutting logs, max.
ing boards, etc. The only theme of
daily conversation, when the men
were assembled, was the court. None
of them had seen court in session,
as yet developed Each one would
give what his idea OF a court was
None, however, were entirely salts.
factory until Bill Simpson was called
On to give his ideas He said be-
knew all about court-that he had
lawsuit in North Carolina. One OF
his neighbors' hogs kept coming when
he fed his hogs until it got fat. Que
morning he got SO ALFRED mad thai
he shot the hog He thought it would
not do TO throw it away, SO he clean
ed and salted it. Shortly after, his
neighbor and a man came to his
house, examined the smoke-house, and
took him to town and put him in a
little office. About three months
after that, this man came and took
him to large room. A large man
sat upon a high bench--a man was
sitting at desk-about a dozen fine
dressed men set in a place around
The man put me in pen Just be
hind them.
He then called in twelve men
they took seats in a box in front OF
the fine dressed men. The man that
was writing gave the twelve men
book and said something about Bill
Simpson and the State Then one of
the fine men read something about
Bill Simpson and the hog, and he and
another of the fine dressed men had
the biggest quarrel you ever heard
| thought they would fight every min,
ute, but they didn't 1t was Bill
Simpson and the hog, and tue hog
and Bill Simpson, and sometimes Mr..
Simpson, but devilish seldom. After
they had quit quarrrelling, the big
man talked awhile to the twelve men,
and they went out and staid a short
time and came back and said somr.
thing to the man at the desk. The
man on the bench said something to
the man that put me i'll the Office, and
he took me out and tied nae to per
simmon tree and commenced fighting
me with a cowhide, and it made me
so alfred mad that | shook all thr
persimmons off the tree.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

CURE FOR HYDRoPHoBIA.-ln order
that our readers may be prepared for
the dog days Of 1867, we publish the
following cure for hydrophobia. Cut
it out and put in your receipt book
for future reference
Take the root of elecampane one
ounce and a-half, cut fine, then boil
it into one pint of new milk down to
a half pint take this three morn
ings, fasting, and eat no food until
four o'clock in the afternoon. 1t
should be taken every other morning
the last two doses must weigh two
ounces each. This remedy will have
the desired effect ii taken at any time
within twenty-four hours after the
accident -
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

YANKEE CoURTsHIP.-One evening,
as | was sitting by Hatty. and had
worked myself up to the point of
popping the question, sez |: Hat
ty, if fellow was to ask you to mar
ry him, what would you say 2" Then
she laughed, and sez she THAT
would depend on who asked me-
Then sez !, suppose it was Ned
Willis 2" Sez she: "Fd tell Ned
Willis, but not you That kinder
staggered me, but | was too cute to
lose the opportunity, and so sez /
agen: Suppose it was me Z" And
then you ought TO see her pout her
lips, and sez she 81 don't take no
supposes !" Well, now, you see there
was nothing for me to do but touch
the trigger and let the gun go Off
So bang it went Sez /: "Lor, Hat
ty, it's me. Won't you say yes ~
and then there was a hellabsloo in
my head, don't know 'zactly what
TUX place, but | thought l heard a
Eyes" whispering somewhere out OF
! the skirmage,
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

ADvERTIsING.-Afa farmer near Mon.
treal says no one need tell him that edver-
tising won't cause big rush for he adveg.
tised ten bushels of grapes for sale. and tlt
next morning there was not one l5ft-th,
boys stole them all.
"JoHN," said careful father.
"dont give Cousin Williams horses too
many oatS-you know they have hoy.
"Y Yes, sir" said John, moving toward tn
barn. "And hark We, John don't give
them too much bag, you know they have
oats
"SEvENTY, EIGHT," New York Heroid
handsome and rapid penman salary
$3.50 Address in own handwriting. This
gentleman evidently believes that a. thing
of beauty is JOY forever.
A SICK man was telling his Symp-
toms-which appeared to himself OF course
dreadful-to a medical friend, who AZ cach
new item OF disorder exclaimed, Charm
ing! Delightful Pray so on aud when
he had finished, the doctor said with the
utmost pleasure, do you know, my dear
sir, you have got complaint which bas
been for some time supposed to be extinct:
A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged
a barrister, who gratifed him by an accept
ance. The duelist being very lame, request
ed he might have a prop. Suppose. 70
said he, - lean against this milestone
with pleasure, replied the lawyer, " on
condition that l may lean against the next
This joke settled the quarrel.
DEATH comes to good man To re-
live him it comes to bad one to relieve
society.
DoNT take too much interest in the
affairs of your neighbors. Seven per eeut
| will do.
The most common things are the
most useful which shows both the wiz
dom and goodness of the Great Father oi
the family of the world.
JONES called Oh the man who re-
stores oil paintings" and requested him to
try to restore one stolen from his residence
q yesr ego,
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

VULGAR PEOPLE. Those are not
vulgar people," says Dante, merely
because they live in small cottages,
low places, but those are not vulgar
who by their thoughts and deeds
strive to shut out any view of beau
ty. There are vulgar rich men as
we'll as vulgar poor men. Being
poor, is not Of itself disqualification
for being a gentleman. To be a gen
tleman, is to be elevated above 9th
ers in sentiment rather than situa-
tion and the poor man with an en-
larged and pure mind may be happi-
er, too, than his rich neighbor with
out this elevation. Let the former
only look at nature with an enlight-
ened mind, a mind that can see and
adore the Creator in his works, can
consider them as demonstrations of
his power, his wisdom, his goodness,
and his truth this man is greater
as we'll as happier in his poverty,
than the other in his riches The one
is but little higher than the beast,
the other is hut little lower than the
angels
In the voyage Of life we should
initiate the ancient mariners, who, without
losing sight OF the earth trusted 10 the
heavenly signs tor ther guidance.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

HARD TMEs.-The cry of hard
times" is heard on all sides. Every
newspaper contains it-every busi-
ness man echoes it. 1t is the uni
versal complaint all over the country.
We fear that before the year of 1867
is past we will see "hard times" in
all the poverty and wretchednes
which lack of employment, stagna-
ton of business and general pros
tration of industry, cause. Thirty
years ago this year our country ex-
perienced a terrible financial crash,
and it is said there has been one
every thirty years since the formation
of the Government. Financial crash
es have occurred every ten years,
though not so disastrous in their gen.
eral results as those which occur
every thirty years. Already the cry
of starvation comes up from the des
olated South. Those of our citizens
who can afford it should contribute
literally, for they know not how
soon they may be in the same plight
not through a scarcity of food, but
from a lack of means to purchase it.
Remember the scriptural assurance,
"He tnat giveth to the poor lendeth
to the Lord"
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
A MENEGARIE OF DRUNKARDs.

The most foolish predicament a
man can get into is to get drunk. In
drunkenness man shows his strong
est and most ardent passion. There
are six kinds of drunkenness, and if
you will go into a city drinking
place where there are dozen men
under the influence of liquor, you will
be sure to find these six different all
imals
The first is ape drunk, he leaps aaid
sings, and yells and dances, making
all sorts of "monkey-shines to ex-
cite the laughter of his fellows. Oh,
terribly silly is the drunken clown.
The second is tiger drunk, he breaks
the bottles, breaks the chairs, breaks
the heads of his fellow carousers, and
is full of blood and thunder. His
eyes are fired with vengeance, and
his soul raves with murderous fury.
Of this sort are those who abuse their
families.
The third is hog drunk, he rolls in
the dirt oil the floor, slobbers and
grunts, and going into the street,
makes his bed in the first ditch or
filthy corner he may TALL into. He is
heavy, lumpish and sleepy, and cries
in grunting way for little more to
drink.
The fourth is puppy drunk. He
will weep for kindness, and whine
his love, and hug you in his arms, ,and
kiss you with his slobbery lips, and
proclaim how much he loves you
You are the best man he ever saw,
and he will lay down his money or
his life for you.
The fifth is owl drunk. He is wise
in his own conceit. No man must
differ from him, for his word is law.
He is true in politics, and in all mat
ters must be taken as authority. His
arm is the strongest, his voice is the
sweetest, his horse the feetest, his
turnips the largest, his town the fin
est of all in the room or land
The sixth and last animal of our
menagerie is the fox drunk man. He
is crafty, ready to trade horses and
cheat il he can. Keen to strike a
bargain, !eering around with low
cunning, peeping through cracks,
listening under the caves, watching
for some suspicious thing, sly as a
fox, sneaking sc wolf, he is the
meanest drunkard Of them all.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
NUMBER 46.

the clerks employed regard it with
the utmost Indifference, handling it
as they would so much brown paper.
The vestibule or the second vault
is called the book vault, and contains
the cancelled obligations of the Unit
ed States, a ton or two of paymast-
er's checks All these books and
checks are carefully preserved.--N
Y Gazette.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
VOLUME XVII.
0ri0iaal goetry.
HAPPINESS.

Happiness, thou misused theme,
Of ignorance and love alike the dream;
How plain thy law, and quaint thy dress,
How few enjoy thy loneliness
Love is happiness in all its range,
Happiness is not, where love is strange.
/ am happy to love my race,
Happy to love my God and grace.
Happy 10 love the beautiful,
Happy to love the dutiful,
Happy, if in love, Truth maintain,
Happy, if in love, Right sustain,
Happy, if in love, kindness bring,
Happy all, il love tunes the string
And as from love I go estray,
From Happiness take my way.
Am always happy in my love,
The more love, the happier l prove,
Ii this one rule l keep in view,
Only to love the Right and True.
E. G., Highland, Pa.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

A CELEBRATED French preacher, in a
sermon upon the duty OF wives, said: 81
see in this congregation a woman who has
been guilty of disobedience to her husband
and in order to point her out. will fling
my breviary at her head" He lifted his
book, and every female head instantly
ducked
In a nobleman's park, about ten
miles from Hyde Park Corner, in England,
the following notice is stuck up "Ten
shillings reward. Any person found tres
passing on these lands, or damaging these
fences, on conviction will receive the above
reward"
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

EASILY SATIsFIED.-We think tlr
following article reflects the feelings
of ladies Of a certain age in almost
every city, town or village:
A young woman had been convert.
ed at the camp meeting. The good
minister told her that If she had faith
the Lord would give her whatever
she would ask in prayer. Believing
implicitly in his words, she one even
ing retired to grove and fervenuy
prayed the Lord to give her a mau.
1t so happened that an owl sat mp in
one of the trees near by, and being
disturbed, gave out wboo-o-o !"
She was overjoyed, and with the
greatest thankfulness Of spirit, All
swered back, Anybody, Lord, so it's
a man ~
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

CONSOLATION FOR THE POoR.-L0rd
Byron said The mechanics aud
workingmen who can maintain their
families are, i'll my opinion, the hap
piest body Of men. Poverty is wretch
edLess, but even poverty is, perhaps,
to be preferred to the heartless, IN.
meaning dissipation of higher lite. -
Another author says al have no
propensity to envy any one, least ol
all the great but if were disposed
to this weakness, the subject Of my
envy would be healthy young mau.
in full possession of his strength and
faculties, going forth i'll the morning
to work for his wife and children, or
bringing them home his wages al
night"
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
TERMS OF PUBLICATION.

-.
AAf % po'A e'0i! tnuis
aAy Aioilihs' " T. " "ooDhioh' d. % per
auhOni' III ausHnoe,
Adv En- ll0HMhNA0' exceeding ni'eeh
lines are inserted al TEN CENTS per line tor
nrst lnseftlon' ana FIVE CENTS per nne ior
7uoSe4uen' 'nSettiO4S' 'pe,i@l Ho4oeS IN II
70f'eu Oeioie ""fiiNse' @n" Des'hS' WIZ
'e charged FIFTEEN ohNFS per iihe Iol s"'h
inSer'ion' AL ie7o.u'ionS VI ASSOCIATIONS ;
COMMUNICATIONS Vi IIinI'eu VI inul'luuai
interest," auo hotlceS VI harrl"ges OF Deaths
cAeeeoaig h'e hues' are cuarSeu ZEN CENtS
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
SMITHBORO HOTEL,
~
SMTTUPOPO " V

Having rented and Refitted this well known
Hotel, / am ready to accommodate all who may
favor me with cali. | have a large Hall at
tached, suitable for lectures, dances. &c. Pass
engers carried 10 any point by applying at th C
Hotel. No pains will be spared to make every
thing agreeable and comfortable for the ravel.
ing public. J. Z. YANWINKLE
Jan. 10, 1867. Proprietor.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

w 7. DAVIES, Attorney at Law,
w Towanda Pa. Office with Wm. Wat
kins, Esq. Particular attention paid 20 or
phans' Court business md settlement OF dece-
dents estates
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

n D. STILES, N. D., Physician and
We Snrgeon, would announce to the people OF
Rom- Borough and vicinity, that he has perma.
uently locate at the place formerly occupied by
DR.. g W. Stone, for the practice of his p ofeS-
sion. Particular attention given to the treat
ment OF women and children, as also to the prac-
tice Of operative and minor surgery. Oct 2, 90
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

FRANCIS E. POST, Painter, Ton-
Il anda, Pa, with 10 years experience, is con-
ident he can give the best satisfaction in Paint
ing, Graining, Staining, Glazing, Papering, &c.
6-Particuar attention paid to Jobbing in the
country. April 8, 1856.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

GEORGE D. MONTANYE, At
VI TORNEY At LAW-Ofice i'll Union
Block, formerly occupied by JAMACFARLANE.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

IOHN \. CALIFF, ATTORNEY
y At Law, Towanda, Pa. Also, Govern.
ment Agent for the collection of Pensions, Back
Pay and Bounty.
sS- No charge unless successful. Office over
the Post Office and News Room. Dec. |, 1864
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

EDW'D MEEKS-AUCTIONEER
IL All letters addressed to him at Sugar Run,
Bradford Co. Pa, will receive prompt attention.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
n b. K n A P p ,

Watch Maker and Dealer in Gents and Ladies
Watches Chains and Finger Rings Clocks, Jew.
elry, Gold Pens, Spectacles, Silver ware, Plat.
ed ware, Hollow ware, Thimbles, Sewing Ma
chimes, and other goods belonging to Jewel
~ Store.
Particular attention paid to Repairing, at
his old place near the Post Office Waverly, n.
Y. Dec 3, I866.--tf.
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18
| ]. \ E w E L L
COUNTY SURVEYOR,

Orwell, Bradford Co. Pa, will promptly attend
10 all business in his line. Particular attention
given TO running and establishing old or dispu-
: ed lines. Also to surveying of all unpattented
lands as soon as warrants are obtained myl7
Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-04-18

DOCTOR CHAS. F. PAINE.-Of
~ fee in CORES Drug Store Towanda, Pa.
Calls promptly attended to at all hours.
Iowanda. NoYember IS. 1866.