The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1867-06-22

spray, madam why did you name your old
hen Macdutf!" because, sir, / wanted her TO
bay on"
"Look ,ceR before you leap" is very good adj
vice in its way, but how sickly-So0Liag people
follow it!
What is the difference between town and its
people: 1t is laid out at the beginning OF its
existence, and they at, the end of theirs.
We grieve TO find the following in the Phila-
delphia Bulletin: "What sort OF Asiatic has the
largest nose An-Nostril-Asian, of course.
"Mrs. Dobson, where is your husband z" HE
is dying, marin, and | don't wish anybody 10
disturb him" a very consderate woman, that.
"Are those calico horses painted :" asked an
inquisitive lady at the circus, recently. Ave-
replied the clown, ''they are g,ained every night
and morning"
II can't find bread for my family" said a law
fellow in company ''Nor l." replied an indus.
trious miller; Il am Obliged to work for it."
A wag remarks that he has seen couple of
sisters who had to be told everything together,
for they were so much alike that they couldn't
be told apart
western editor has placed over his marriages
lieut. representing "a large trap sprung with this
motto: The trap down-another ninny
caught
Why is the fact of your having some weighty
matter in the hands of lawyer like travelling in
the backwoods: Because you are long time
coming to a settlement
Jim p was in the tanning business, and
was also afflicted with punning partner. One
day jim said: Harrison has offered me lot Of
bark cheap" 90 Has he, hey--Jarkr yes
bark well, then, advise you 70 juy't'
country paper in Mass. prints this marriage
notice: (" Married, up town the other day, at
Mr.. Williams, Mr.. A. p. Williams of Will
Transport, 10 his cousin, Miss Lizzie s. Williams.
For particulars see small Bah'
A blind man had been sitting one day pleasant
ly chatting with some visitors for an hour, when
one of them wished the company good morning,
and left the room. "What white teeth that lady
has said the blind man. How can YOU posi-
bly, know that" said friend. Because was
the answer 'ior the last half hour she has done
nothing but laugh"
Miss Wilkes was beautiful blonde, and she
wanted TO 20 to Scarborough-so she told her
mother to look Tor something very particular for
her dear papa.
"And what is it, pray" asked her mother,
''that you much wish to find for your dear
papa"
a son-n-law,' was the gentle reply Of the
blushing maiden.
good anecdote is told of house painters
son, who used the brush dcxterously, but had
acquired the habit of putting it on too thick
One day his father. after having frequently scold
ed him for lavish daubing, and all to no purpose,
gave him severe hagclaton. There. you
young rascal after performing the painful duly,
show do you like that 7" "Well, / don't know
whined the boy, in reply, "hut il seems TO me
that you put it on laundering sight thicker
than did"
Now gents said a Yankee at dinner, guess
I'll show you somethin' that no critter in this
room ever seed afore and not acrit,er living ever
will see agin. Dye bet.' The bet was made
and the Yankee took nut off the dessert plate,
and cracking it held up the kernel between his
thumb and finger. Now. gents, ! karkilate
none OF yer ever seed that kernel atorc and
tswallowing it guess you'll never see il again,
Please fork over
A NissouriGn informed traveller who had in
Quired about corn, that each stock had nine
ears on il, and was fifteen feet high That's
nothing 70 our corn, replied the traveller. up
In Illinois where came from, we always had
nine ears to each stalk, and peck Of sheled
corn, hanging TO each tassel; hnt could
raise any field beans with IT," why y asked
the other. Because the corn grew 50 fast it
always pulled the beans up"
The day before yesterday. Mrs. Smith was
thrown into state of considerable alarm and
anxiety for the safety of her daughter, Miss Ma
tilda Jane Smith. who was reported by her bro
ther, Master John Smith. 10 be placed in posi-
ton of some danger. Mamma" said that young
gentleman, running into the parlor, "Tilda's
down in the kitchen, and there's great monkey
got hold OF her" Mrs. Smith at once rushed to
her daughters assistance. but appearances not
bearing out Master Smiths statement he was
called on for an explanation. He stated that he
had distinctly observed an ape run apron round
his sisters waist Nothing further is known
There is one thing sure said Mrs. Darlington,
'the females OF the present generation are heap
more independent than they need to be. Why
gal so by the other day that l know be-
longs to the historical class of society. with her
dress all tucked up, her hair all buzzled up like
if she hadn't time to comb it for week, and one
OF her grandmother's nightcaps, in an awful
crumbied condition, on her head. Why, law,
honey when I was a gal, if one of the fellows
came along when had my clothes tucked up
that way, and my head covered with white rag
would run for dear life to get out of sight
Well, well, the gals then were innocent, uncon-
fscated creatures now they are what the French
call 'blazes.'"