North Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1867-current, 1867-12-18
WHOLE No. 583.


Concerning SKATING.
A Curtain Lecture to Mrs. Mark Train.
'Oh 90 to sleep you old fool!
Mr.. Twain, l am surprised and greycd
TO-
Don't interrupt me, woman | tell you
it's absurd-you learn to skate You'll be
wanting to play fairy in the Black Crook
next. tell You skating is an accomplish
ment suited only to youth and comeliness
of face and symetry of figure. Nothing is
so charming as to see beautiful girl in
the costume of the Kinks, with cheeks ro-
sy with exertion, and eyes beaming with
excitement, skimming the ice like bird
and swooping down upon group of
gentlemen, and pretend she can't stop her.
self, and landing in the arms Of the very
young man her father don't allow her to
know-and darting away again, falling on
her head and exposing herself to remarks
on her carelessness madam-ho,d your
tongue-and always taking csre to fall
when that young man is close by to pick
her up. 1t is charming. They look pref
ty and interesting too, when they are just
learning-when they stand still a long
time in one place, and then start one foot
gingerly, and make break for the other
side of the pond, and leave the balance of
the girls sprawling on this side But you
You look fat, awkward and dismal enough
at any time and when you waddle off as
stuify and stupid and ungainly as buzz
zard that's had half q horse for dinner /
won't have it madam And you get under
a little precarious headway, and then put
your feet together and drift along; stoop-
ing your head and shoulders and holding
your arms out like you expected church
was going to fall on you. 1t aggravates
the life out of me! On Tuesday, when
was ass enough to get on skates myself,
and kicked the Irish Giants eye out the
first dash, and lit on my head and cracked
the ice that it looked like the sun, with all
its rays, had dropped where struck, and
they fined me ninety-two dollars for ruin
ing the mans pond. was terrified, with
conviction that had gone through to the
inside O. the world because saw the par
alells .of latitude glimmering all around
me; and who was it but you, in your awk-
wardnes, fetching up over me with your
confounded filters on !? l can't stand the
rink rent and l won't
Mr.. Twain, am surp-'
Hold your clatter. l tell you you
shan't bring odum upon the family by
your disgraceful attempts to skate; sprawl
ing around with your big feet like cow
blowing her way down hill in slippery
weather. Maybe you wouldn't be so ham
dy about displaying those feet Of yours if
you knew what occurred when took your
shoe down to be mended.'
What was it Tell me what it was
Tell me what it was this minute just
know it is one of your lies
'Oh! don't mind /; it amt Of any consc
quence.'
You've got to tell me; you shan't ag
gravate me in this sort of way. tell you
l won't go to sleep unlil l know what it
was.'
'Oh ! it wasn't anything
Mr. Twain, know better! You re just
doing this to drive me to distraction. What
did that shoemaker say about my shoe p
What did he do? Quick y
well, if you must know, he he,
however, it is of no consequence whatev-
err
Mr.. Twain =
'Well, he he took it and gazed upon
it long time in silence, and then put his
handkerchief to his eyess and burst into
tears
why, you born fool Twain are you
going stark, staring crazy p
He just stood there and wept as if his
his heart would break, poor devil There,
now, let's 90 to sleep
Sleep, you lunatic I'll never close my
eyes till know what that idiot was crying
about-and you shant either. can tell
you that. Come 7
oh it don't matter
Mr.. Twain, if you say that again I'll
make you sorry for it what was it that
that numbskull was crying about p
Well, he, (gapes.
'Out with it DO you want me to- to
- Twain I'll scratch them pet fringes
off till the sides of your head are as bald as
the top of it,
well, he-poor fellow he said he'd
dotted on his grandmother-fairly dotted on
her. She had nursed him, you know, be-
cause his mother was SO feeble and so-.
Well, he came to this country fifteen years
ago, and first he set up in the vegetable
line, and got along very well, and was
about sending to England for the old lady,
when hard times came and he got broke.
He went into fruit then, and after that in
to milk-into all sorts of things, you see
but he got disappointed every time till his
present business fetched him out at last all
right, and he sent right off for the old wo-
man. She landed here four weeks ago,
but died the very same night 1t was hard;
very hard; after all his waiting and toiling
for fifteen years to get her over here at
last and have her die on his hands. He
he, well, he was disgusted. However,
by patiently striving to keep sad thous hts
out of his mind, he was finally beginning
to regain some Of his old-time cheerfulness
when your shoes reminded him so pain
fully Of his poor old graudmother's coffin,
that
Take that, you brute and if you dare
to come back here Il kick you out again.
You degraded old rufian =
In the majority report in the lmpeach-
ment case, submitted to the House on the