Gallipolis journal. [volume] (Gallipolis, Ohio) 1837-1919, 1867-10-31
Afflicted by a Fat Woman.
BY JOHN QUILL.

am at the sea shore, trying to get
a little recreation and to improve my
health; instead of that, / am as like
" to lose what little creation | have,
and ruin my constitution. Adipose
female is my complaint, and I've got
it so bad that sometimes l seriously
think of throwing myself in the un-
dertow and flcating out to become
food for clans.
This is TIE way it occurs:-You
see there is q maiden here whose
father is acquainted with my father,
and whose robust pocket book cor
responds, comparatively, with the
size OF his daughter.
She, forsooth, is maiden who as
sumes to have seen but twenty sum-
mers, but she has put in the time so
well that she has collected more
beef than tissue, and so on, On her
skeleton than would serve SIX ordi-
nary women.
Well, you see this heavy father
has his equally heavy daughter on
hands, and he comes down here and
lays for his chance TO throw her over
into matrimony with some unsuspect-
ing man. In an evil hour | was in
duced to borrow money of him, and
now he threatens me with the sheriff
or else his daughter, whichever l
choose. OF course prefer the
sheriff, but l worry along with the
fat woman until 1 see chance to
bolt.
You have no idea how trying it is.
Her name is Maria and she is always
wanting to 60 into battle. So we go
down 10 the beach; l walk in her
shadow TO get out of the heat
When she comes to the bath house,
ten chances to one that she nearly
rips the clothes off of her in trying
to get through the door, and then as
like as not, I've got TO walk back
and get a carpenter 70 come down
and take out four or five planks so
as to get her in, and then when she
is in, it is necessary for me to stand
there and hold the loose planks in
place while she takes off her envel-
opes.
Then she comes out and tries to
trip lightly over the sands. Did you
ever see the elephant dance at the
circus? Well, that's her; she looks
more like a molasses cask on two
legs than anything else, and she's
about as graceful as an OK.
And she wanted me to teach her
to swim. Wouldn't / hold her by
the waits while she saw if she could
float? Waist! Talk about putting a
girdle around the earth, the equator
or the rings of Saturn. Why. / tell
you, you might as well try to en-
brace the dome of the capitol at
Washington. No, 1 would grab for
hold anywhere else, but she must
not expect me to take her by the
waist; I would rather go and give
myself up to the sheriff at once
than do that.
I got hold of her, and she laid
over on her back to such an extent
that it caused q food tide, and then
her head went under, and she came
up blowing like an organ bellows.
"Time," said ], "boys come up
smiling"
But she couldn't appreciate inno-
cent amusement, and said if l tried
to drown her she'd tell her pa.
Blast her pa, watery grave is just
what she is suffering for.
Why didn't / hold her up? she
said. 1 wasn't a Sampson, / replied.
l had never taken prize at the gym
nasium for lifting twelve hundred
pounds. What did she take me for2
So she laid over again, and just then
a breaker came, so that she lost her
balance, and one of her legs went up
SO that she kicked me on the nose
1 don't see how she did 1t. 1t seems
impossible.
But she didn't care anything about
my agony. Indeed, / think she was
proud of having drawn the first
blood, but she didn't say anything,
except that she wanted to try floating
again. But / believed / would no,