Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1867-11-09
Rules for Counting.

The following good advice On the
above subject is from the pen of John
Quill who seems to have had rather a
blissful experience in such matters:
Having had much experience in the
science of counting, have determined
herewith to lay down some definite rules
for the guidance of my young friends.
You see | had a good many unsuccess-
full courts before [ met my present wife
the females whom | loved having
gone cmphatically back on me. But,
bless you, did it harm ne? No, it
didn't; was benefited thereby, and
when met my wife l knew the ropes,
and gathering up my affections, made
one fell swoop on Sallie's heart, and the
door thereof banged wide open and let
me in. l will give you the rules and
shed the sunny light of Illustration upon
upon them from my own life.
1st-Never 60 counting the girls
parents. You'd better edge up to the
charmer at once; for you can't marry
her if you don't try, unless she wants
you and you may be able to even if the
old folks are hard on you.
This is the policy pursued by my
self in my last successful attempt.
2d-By all means get the girls ma
down on you as much as possible. If
the old lady is always blowing against
you, the little dear begins to take your
part, and can't help loving YOU.
[ did this way, and my present
mother-in law used to throw brooms
and washboards at me, and teach the
dog to bite me in the trousers as |
climbed over the fence.
3d-If you see any others prowling
about, always euchre them if you can.
If you see one of them buy tickets for
the opera, go up and make an engage
ment with the girl, and get your tickets
afterwards; but when they visit the
house always act as if you were at home
and they were only visitors, and never
leave first.
always did this, and Lave frequent
ly sat until day, break, while the fair
one snored away on the sofa. You
can't bluff me. No, sir: ha ha ! l
guess not. l would have been there
yet if the fellow had stayed
4th-If the old man has worldly
wealth express dislike to greenbacks,
and hankering after love in small
house
5th-If you are long in the parlor,
you may sometimes try if your arm fits
well on her waist.
tried this once, and called forth a
piercing scream, which induced her
heavy father and two brothers to chuck
me down the front stairs. So you be
careful.
6th-When you inquire if she will
have you, don't fall on your knees-it's
ridiculous, besides being rough on
trousers. Just take her hand and
speak out like man.
l behaved similarly to this to a fe-
male and said to her.
evil you be mine ?"
She replied, rather abruptly:
"Not much, l WON'T
It's likely she would have been timid,
but | did not care about pursuing the
subject any farther.
7th-When you are engaged, don't
60 off like an old jack-ass, and begin
buying teaspoons and boilers, and
candles. 1t is very unwise, and ex-
cites comment.
Why, l recollect I was so glad that l
went right off and purchased baby
jumper and gum ring. 1t was a long
while ere those things were necessary,
and the baby-junper had shrunk so that
when we put the first Of the little Quilts
into it, it suddenly jerked up, and came
frightfully near battaring the devoted
child's brains out against the ceiling,
while the gum ring had been kept in a
box with cockroach poison, threw the
baby into fits, and he-it was boy
had spasms in the crib for four days.
Sth-If girl refuses you don't give
it up, but try it again. Because two
negatives make one affirmative in gram
mar, however, don't consider yourself
accepted when girl jilts you twice.
l asked one female forty-one times,
and at last she got to expect it when.
ever came, and sometimes would hol-
Ter out NO from the top of the
stairs, before / got fairly into the house.
This is unusual, let ME here remark.
9th-Kiss all the little children in a
house, even if they are dirty, and smear
molasses candy in your hair. Let the
boy play horse with you and make
fool Of you generally. This always
works. It's trump card if you play
it right.
10th-And finally, if there are two
sisters, and the old one is jealous, get
some one to choke her off, while you 90
in for the younger.
| did that once, and used to get my
friends to ask the senior girl out for
the evening, but she found me out, and
used to arrange hair pins in the sofa
cushions before she went out, SO that it
was extremely uncomfortable.
Thus it will be seen that, when
courtship is alluded to, am right there.
If any further information is wanted,
send me a letter enclosinga stamp fifty
cents) and 1 will cheerfully give it
gratis.
A GENTLEMAN, giving lecture to
hoyr no ono