Green-Mountain freeman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1844-1884, 1867-03-20

ABAcHELoR on CHAMBER ER-MArDs.-Against
all chamber-maids, of whatsoever age or ma
tionalitv. launch the curse of bachelordom
Because =
They always put the pillows at the oppo-
site end of the bed from the gas-burner, so
that while YOU read and smoke before sleep
ing (as is the ancient and honored custom of
bachelors) You have to hold your book aloft
in an uncomfortable position, TO keep the
light from dazzling your eyes. When they
find the pillows removed to the other end of
the bed in the morning, they receive not the
suggestion in friendly spirit, but glorying
in their absolute sovereignty, and Implying
your helplessness, they make the bed just as
it originally, and gloat in secret over the
pang their tyranny will cause you. Al
WAYS after that, when they find you have
transposed the pillows. they undo your work
and thus defy you and seek to embitter the
life that God hath given you If they cannot
get the light in an inconvenient position any
other way, they move the bed
If YOU pull your trunk out six inches from
the wall, so that the lid will stay up when
you open it, they always shove that trunk
back again. They do it on purpose.
| IF you want the spittoon in certain spot.
where it will be handy. they don't. And so
they move it.
| They ALWAYS put YOUR other boots into in
accessible places. They chiefly ENJOY depos-
| iting them as far under the bed the wall
will permit 1t is because 1t eompels you to
get down in an undignifed attitude and make
wild sweeps for them in the dark with the
boot pack, and swear.
| They always put the Matchbox in some
other place. They hunt up new place for
it every day, and put bottle, or other per
ishable glass thing, where the box stood be
| fore. This is to cause you to break that glass
thing cropping in the dark, and get yourself
| into trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the fur
niture. When you come in, in the night,
you can calculate on finding the bureau
where the wardrobe was In the morning.
| And when YOU go out in the morning, If you
leave the slop-bucket by the door and the
rocking-chair by the window. when you come
in at midnight, or thereabouts, you will fall
over the rocking-chair, and you will proceed
toward the window and sit down in that
slop-tub. This will disgust you They like
that. No matter where you may put any
thing, they are not going to let it stay there
They will take it and move it the first chance
they get. 1t is their nature. And besides.
it gives them pleasure to be mean and con-
trary this way They would die IT they
couldn't be villains
They always save up all the old scraps of
printed rubbish you throw on the floor, and
stack them up carefully on the table, and
then start the fire with your valuable manu-
scripts. If there is any one particularly old
scraps that you are more down on than any
other, and which you are gradually wearing
your life out trying to get rid of, you may
take all the pains You possibly can in that
direction; but it won't be of any use, be-
cause they will always fetch that old scrap
back and put it in the same old place again
every time. 1t does them good
And thev use up more hair-oil than any
six men. If charged with purloining the
same, they lie about it. What do they care
about hereafter? Absolutely nothing
| Mark Ttcain.