The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1867-07-04
Odds and Ends.
Smile and grow Corpulent.
The Cattle Plague-Flies.

The Cattle Plague-Flies.
A ''Seedy' institution-The Agriculture
Bureau.
A man who follows the sea is a " tar" bu
termagent wife is "tar-tar.'
Why is hotel ghost like policeman? Be
cause 1t is an inn-spector.
Why is a coquette like a washerwoman
Because she rings mems bosoms.
ELoPEMENT EXTRAORDINARY Mr. Jones
dog eloped with Mr.. Smiths dinner.
If you would look spruce" in your age,
do not "pine in your youth.
You are possibly "fne" man, but one
who reines metals is a " finer"
A rainy day is damp, but when a young Ia
dy refuses to marry you, it's a damper.
Look tCeA before you leap is very good
advice in its way, but how can siekly-looking
people follow it?
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer
of hypocrite Because it's solemn sound
by thoughtless tongue.
1t is said that toothache may always be
cured by holding in the hand a certain root
that of the tooth.
The last place to look for the milk of hui
man kindness is in the pail (pale) of civiliza-
ton.
"That motion is out of order" said the
chairman of meeting when rowdy raised
his arm to throw an egg.
Ayoung man being asked, as he lay sun
ming himself on the grass, what was the
height of his ambition, replied, "to marry
rich wilder with bad cough.
The marble tabernacle at Salt Lake is now
finished. 1t is $50 feet long and $50 wide, and
furnishes comfortable sitting room for 10000
persons.
The Prince of Wales is writing book about
what he saw in the United States. AS he
frequently saw double, the narrative will be
interesting.
The newest idea which occurred to matters
is to call their business headology, and, of
course, who's your halter" must now be
"Who's your hee dologer"'
A Woodworking, eminently pious woman
once said: II don't want to go to Heaven as
soon as die, but rather to sleep in the grave
a thousand years or so, to get rested.
Hans, who is a Judge of morals as well as
money says "being bender to anoder mans
wife is not legal bender, no more as hickeled
beets is sour-kraut, by tam ~
1t is understood that the southern planters
intend to petition all the theatrical managers
to introduce ballet in every play, on the
demand for well shaped legs viii increase the
demand for cotton.
A conscientious witness down east refused
to swear he saw one man kick another, but
he readily took his oath that he saw defendant
take his foot away from plaintiff three times.
The man in Jail who looked out of the win
dow of his cell and exclaimed this is CRATE
country y is now generally admitted to have
spoken lUithin bounds.
What's in name? Everything is in an-aim
if you wish to shoot straight.
Why is a man annoyed by fool like one
who falls in the sea Because he is man
over BORED.
Show many doting husband" says the
cynical Mr.. Quilp, would like to change his
forty-year old 'pardner' for two twenties."
Why is the fact of your having some weighty
matter in the hands of lawyer like travelling
in the back woods? Because you are long
time coming to settlement
Almost every young lady is public spirited
enough to have her fathers house used as a
court house.
What is the difference between pretty girl
and a night-cap? One is born to be wed, and
the other is worn to bed.
"What did you give for that horse, neigh
Nv ,, We'll that chean.P
"Mrs. Dobson, how is your husband ?"
" He's dying marin, and don't wish anybody
to disturb him" A very considerate woman
that.
Josh billings ON AGRICULTURTI. FAIRS.
Agricultur IL the mother ov provisions; she
IL also the grandmother.
it want for agricultur, thar wouldn't be
emmy beans, and lift wasn't for beans thar
wouldn't be emmy suckertash
Agricultur was first discovered by Cain, and
has since been discovered to be an honest way
to get hard living
Pumpkins owes all her success to agrlcultur
and so does lettis and buckwheat.
The Billingsville Agricultural Society open
ed October 10, and wuz most powerful sue
cess.
The receipts of the agricultural fair wuz up
wards of $50, 000 Gf my memory serves me
right and and / think she duz.)
The Hon. Virgil Rickerstof, the next. agri-
cultural member of Kongris from our district
sold the agricultural poles.
FUsT DAY.
A puss of ten dollars was trotted for by
sucking colts, that had never trotted before
for money.
There wuz thirteen entrys.
Thar wuz 60, 600 people on the track to wit
ness this race, Qf my memory serves me right
and think she duz
The puss VIM wun amid vociferous exclam-
ations, by red colt, and the wavin ov hand
kerchiefs, with AIRED stripe in his face, ana the
fainting ov several fust class females, and one
white foot behind.
sEKUND DAY.
It rained like perpendicular all day, and no
trotting could be had, so the audience all went
home cussin and swearin, sand offerin to bet
to on the Pete Tucker colt.
THURD DAY.
The sun histed up in the east more beauty
fuller than ever saw her before, Of mi mem
orv IL not treacherous and think she IL
not)
It was a fust rate day for agricultur or emmy
other man.
A puss of $50 wuz trotted for by sum year
old colts
This race did not attract much affection, on
account ofthe time bein so slow Time 2 min
utes and SO seckunds.
FORTH DAY.
This was for 3 or 4 year olds, who hadn't
never beat 2:25
Thar wuz 26 entrys; they couldn't all trot to
once so they took turns.
This race wuz won after bitter contest by
Pete fuckers colt.
He wuz immediate offered 81 900 and fust
rate farm which wuz well stocked, for the colt
| nv 8 different agricultural men, but with
great deal ov indignant good sence skorned to
stoep so low.
Pete Tucker and his whole family are awl
| boss.
| FIFTH DAY.
1t rained agin harder than ever, and the
day was spent in betting on the weight OF
! bosses.
There was several good hoss-swops also
made. ~.
One man swopped two bosses for one; this
| struck me as a bully good thing, but every
body else said it was soft.
| Al the end oy the fifth day / came away.