Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1867-12-25
Me- BIob., His Christmas Present
'TRIBuLATIoN CORNER, Xmas Eve, 1867.

a. AMIABLE SPIVINS lis lt well with you
On this immemorial eve. have you found
few more white hairs upon your brow
An'you have what matter? A man shoul'
be like those mountains OF. the tropic lands
which have their peaks eternally snow
capped, while-the warmth of perpetual fir
glows in their hearts. A fig for age, say
as long as the heart and the feet are warn
we shall not drivel into the ''lean and slip
pered pantaloon."' When I first knew
you. arniable Spivins, had lost muel
youth and some virtue, but still had on,
of nv childhood's fables left Thought al
fat people were good. But, Lord! my am
liable friend, 1 hardly know whether my
{ fat or doubt grows the faster. l grew
somewhat infidel to my childhood's fancy
when first saw Falstaff, but whether it i!
You Or myself who Is to complete the de-
meralization remains an unsolved problem
Still, let thy midriff grow-no man shall
be damned who can roar in a real, deep
hearty laugh. z.lt, -. 5.-i-~4 asfi5a
:, / bethou ght me to send you Xmas pres.
ent, few days ago, but had some doubts
whether you would accept service of plate
or gobbler-the city election Is so near:
don't like to bribe editors, so l concluded
to ''drop you these few lines" What in the
name Of conscience!- e!-by the way is there
any such thing as conscience? We read
about it in didactic works, but assure you
it Is not to be found among coal dealers,
grocers, ETC., and no sane man would run
the risk of inquest de lunatico by picking a
politicians pocket to find it! 1 don't take
much stock in stories about people being
''conscience-striken," and dying with g re-
morse of conscience" There amt nobody
in Columbus. as yet, but is able to chase
torn greenbacks round mighty sharp cor
ners in trade. People generally are not
growing fat so fast as you and L, friend
Spivins, for its "diamond cut diamond y
Il H~l. l..xsr
pie. Aint it? Most of 'em, Imagine. are
like myself, only more so. had an idiOs-
omnic attack the other night, and during
it could see all through myself, from soul
to sole; and the place where conscience
ought to be wasn't there, but instead vast
amount of philosophic fungus. don't
think this is dangerous. People have
are dead broke. and still live. Why should
MT live with fungus conscience? In
deed, how should I live without one?
now enjoy joke and square meal" and
feel easy about everything. In fact, !
think could endure being a 100000 bond
holder, and possibly might survive being
elected to the Columbus Council If
than once year. But don't imagine am
coming down too hard on Columbus peo-
pie. No doubt more than average amount
Of challengeable currency falls into the
plate as it passes round in our fashionable
churches; no doubt the churches are more
numerously filled than they would be were
fine clothes and gaudy trappings interdic-
ted at the communion table; no doubt
many s.do good and blush to find it"-un-
recorded in the city papers and few Of the
poor who visit our "first families" but get
either cold victuals or advice. No-COlum-
bus is one of the prettiest towns in the
west !; its people are, generally wealthy and
virtuous, and are very economical in both.
/ saw one Of our most wealthy men look
ing in the gutter, the other morning, TO
find five-cent piece he lost before the last
snow fell. That man will die one Of these
days, and have nearly a million to COM
mence the next world with; and as heaven
Is said to be paved with gold, mayhap the
exchange for greenback will be greatly In
his favor. We have more churches than we
can fill, more town lots than we can build
upon, more pretty girls than can be
paired till the price of dimity
wants for nothing but water, and it is to be
hoped that the beer and whisky on hand
will hold out till the City Council strikes
water. A good deal of that article is sup
posed to be in Philadelphia, New York OF
Boston, and it is possible our City Council
will be able to tap full head somewhere
The way, they tapped; the City Treasury
augurs much ability with the gimlet.
. when L began this letter, my dear Spiv-
ins, 1 thought I'd palm it off on you for a
Xmas present. bnt I'm afraid it isn't worth
presenting. This memorable occasion was
invented about eighteen hundred years
ago, about which time egg-nog and whisky
punches became fashionable, and have SO
continued. Women don't drink, because
they can't change drinking fashions. Men
go from lager to whisky, and from whisky
70 orin nd nrnoPrU-a