Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-06-14
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A wicked paragraphist thinks s'stufing'' in
this country developes the fair as well as the
fowl
WY is woman mending her stockings
detormed. Because her hands are where her
feet belong.
A little great man is not the meanest thing
in the world little great mans toady is
far meaner
Qunr thinks it remarkable that, while sew
eral thousand fees are required to make one
rood, single foot, properly applied, is often
sufficient to make one civil.
A MARRIED monster says he once had a
most delightful dream, in which he imagined
he had an angel by his side, and on waking
up found it was only his wife.
Mas, PRM did not marry her second hus
band because she loved the male sex, but
Just because be was the size of her first pro
tector. aud could wear out his old clothes.
aorr she goes. said Mr. Smith to his
spouse, as they started by the railway.
s'You are wrong" said Mrs. Smith, for
this is the mail train.
A GIpsY WOMAN promised to show two
young ladies their husbands, faces in pail OF
water. They looked aud exclaimed: 'Why,
we see only our own faces" ''Well those
faces will be your husbands, when you get
married.
LoEp BUckiNGuAN was once at dinner
where Mr.. Grubb was required TO sing. He
begged to be excused, urging that he knew
not what to sing ''Sing, I'd be a butterfly -
suggested the nobleman.
SpUBGEoN often comes out with a good thing
''Bretbren, said he, ''if God had referred
the arl, to a committee on Naval Affairs, it's
my opinion it would not have been built yet, -
AT CoNcERT recently, at the conclusion
ofthe song, There's good time coming, -
country farmer got up and exclaimed, ''Mis-
ter you couldn't fix the date, could you?h
The easiest way to get living, says a
vagabond poet is to sit on gate aud wait
for good luck. In case good luck don't come
along, you are no worse off than you were be
fore.
MARX, may [ go a fishing?
''Yes. sonny, but don't go near the water,
and recoIlect, if you're drowned shall skin
you os sure as you are alive =
A CORRESPONDENT wonts to know why an
old maid is ike a sucked orange, and then
has the assurance to answer by saying, ''Be
cause neither Of them is worth squeezing.
THE most remarkable case of indecision we
have ever heard of, was that Of man who
sat up all night, because he could not decide
which to take off first, his coat or his boots.
"SAN, why am de members of Congress
like de tshes2''
'I don't meddle wild de subjec, Pomp
why, don't you see, dey's so fond Of de-
bate
JosHuA BuLNGs truthfully remarks that
'.trying to live on the reputation of dead
grandmother is just about as enterprising as
trying to batch out rotten eggs under tin
weathercock.
''AN'' will We be after telling what kind Of
a baste ye call this, said newly arrived
Irishmau, holding up a wasp between his
thumb and finger
"Och, murder spake quick, for he's bit
ing me.
'HnE you the Exile of Erin here p
asked a lady, few days since, of a clerk in
book store. mo ma am, was the answer:
'han't got no eggs lie; we've got prime ar
ticle of bars lie. if that'll answer
The old story of schoolboy who spelled
Andrew Jackson, Sru Jaxen has been over
shadowed by a>genius out West who wished
to mark half dozen white shirts he marked
the first John Jones, and all the rest ditto.
A KISS on the forehead denotes respect and
admiration; on the cheek, friendship; on the
eyelids, tender sentiment; on the lips, love-
The young men Of our acquaintance haven't
much 'respect" for the young ladies.
JENNIE SAID a puritan to his daughter,
who was asking consent to accompany her
urgent and favorite suitor to the altar, ''Jen-
ME, it's very solemn thing to get married. "
81 know it, father, repliedthe sensible dam
sci, "but it's a great deal solemner not to.
REPARTEE.-A notorious topper used to
mourn about not having regular pair of eyes
--one being black and the other light hazel.
SIT is lucky for you," replied his friend; "for
if your eyes had been matches your nose
would have set them on fire long ago.
poor topper, as a last resort for more drink
took his Bible to pawn for liquor, but the
landlady refused to takeit "WelI," said he,
"if she won't take my word or Gods Word,
it's time to give it up" And he went and
signed the pledge, and kept it faithfully