Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-05-08
.sFHE TOTE FAIR SOCIETY"
rFrom the Alton m Demoerat.l ]

and drinks to the Illinois Legislature,
we spent a wet evening in cOzy room
which was much patronized and enjoyed
as a Democratic headquarters-where
the free livers of that party, and all
others, could feed, imbibe and puff with
out expense to themselves and with the
assurance of a hearty welcome from our
generous host.
Among the freqUenters Of the cred
Rose, was certain Col. Bill Wins,
who attracted our attention as a decided
character in his way and certainly the
possessor of a greater amount of natu-
raj humor than any man we ever met
before or since. The Colonel was from
Egypt, and in the palmy days of Dem
oeracy, little king in that region, with
plenty of votes and money at his com
mand-andas as such, an invaluable mem
Der of the lobby, and a very successful
grinder of axes and hatchets. Like
"Falstaff, " he was "a man of unbOunded
stomach, and could eat and drink in
way to astonish people of moderate ca
pacity. A good dinner and pint of
"corn juice, more or less-generally
n1ore-and the Colonel would put his
legs on the mattle-piece and unlock his
budget of fun for the benefit of the COLL
pany.
rather glum and taciturn, until our
host said to him, in a bantering way,
"Come Bill, tote fair" "Look here,
Jack, said the Colonel, taking cigar
from his mouth to make room for lib
eral installment of whisky Straight, 81
don't want to hear any more about tote
fair'-I've toted to my satisfaction; I
belong to the Society-been duly ini-
tiated, sure" "HOW's that?" was the
reply. 'Well, said WINS, ~ suppose
I'll have to tell the boy?"
We shall try to repeat his story,
though it is impossible to reproduce the
inimitable manner of the narrator.
at is nigh about ten years ago, down
on Wabash, when we had an awful cold
winter-so cold that the very wood
chucks froze in their holes, and the
whisky in my jug turned into lump
of mahogany colOred ice, harder than
John Sogan's' cheek. One night in
the middle eff January, about II clock,
I had Just gone to bed to try to get
warm ; it was so cussed frosty that fire
wouldn't do any good, and the snow on
the ground was about half warmed
through, and thinking how cold it must
be for the poor devils outside, when
there came a heavy rap at the door.
jumped up and opened it, and thar stood
Major Smith, one of the best citizens in
Bourbonville, and a mighty clever man.
"Why, Major" said I, "what on yarth
are you doin' here at this time of night?'
"Colonel," )" says he, "put on your clothes
right off, for here's Charley johnson
out here, drunker than billed owl, and
layin' in the snow. I've toted him from
the doggery down here about a mile,
and can't tote him an inch further, and
he'll freeze, sure.
Now I knew Charley f1st-rate-a
young chapwell brung up, and his father
and mother good old square-toed, hard
shell Baptists, who'd die if they knew
the boy ever looked through the bottom
of a tumbler. So I jumped into my
breeches and boots, and out I went, and
there sure enough laid Charley, stretch
ed out in the snow like dead man.
The Major gathered him by the heels
and I by the head, and off we start
ed. Somehow OF ather the Major didn' t
seem to be much on a lift, and so I told
him to heave Charley up on my should.
er. And he heaved him up. But I
hadn't gone more than fifty yards before
Charley began to show signs heavin' up,
too, and I knew if he gagged with head
hangin' that way, he'd choke quicker
than you could say Jack, So Ilayed him
down and punched him two or three
times, but he only grunted-and says I,
Major, the boy is awful drunk he
don't seem to have any life in him.
No said the Major, 'he oughn't to have
for he jerked the linin' out of a quart
bottle of pizen down to the grocery, and
he amt used to drinkin, either, Let's
hurry him up, or I'm afraid he'll never
come to- So up l h'isted him agin, and
he was powerful heavy, and my legs be-
gan to feel ike piece of soap after a
hard day wash, and bloWed like young
steamboat. But pegged away for an
other quarter until we came to the Court
House, and the Major, says he, "There's
a light up in the Clerks Office; let's
take the boy up there, and he'll sober
off by mornin'.' So I climbed over the
steps, and up to the door, and then up
a pair of old-fashioned stairs, Charley
ali the time layin' on my shoulder like
a sack of sand, and gettin' so Internal
heavy that I thought he must be made
of lead. When I got to the door I
kicked it open, and thar was was about
twenty fellers a sittin' thar, and theyall
commenced to laugh, and Just when
was wonderin' what it all meant, Char
ley jumped off my shoulder as light as
cat and as sober as a judge, and he
takes me by the hand and walks me up
and, says he, "Colonel WINS, 1 have the
honor to inform you that you are duly
initiated a member Of the Tote Fair
Society, and then found out that all
the crowd had been fixed the same way,
and one Methodist preacher had carried
his man more than two miles. "Well, "
says I, "Boys, it's a bully joke, but it'll
be the death Of some clever fellow sure
for if I find chap drunk agin, if it's in
the winter I'll build a fire by him; and
if it's in the summer I'll build a fence
round him to keep the hogs off; but il
I ever tote anOther,,man, may I be good