Fayette County herald. [volume] (Washington [Washington Court House], Fayette County, O. [Ohio]) 1860-1???, 1867-06-20
A CURTAIN LECTURE CON
CERNING SKATING.

| Ucu you IL s aDSufQ-YOu learn 10
skate! You'll be wanting to play
fairy in the Black Crook next. /
tell you skating is an accomplish
ment suited only to youth and grace
and comclincss Of face and symme-
try Figure. Nothing is so charm
ing as to see a beautiful girl in the
coquetish costume of the rinks.
with cheeks rosy with exertion,
and eyes beaming with excitement,
skimming the ice like a bird-and
swooping down upon a group of
gentlemen, and pretending she can't
stop herself, and landing in the
arms Of the very young man her
father don't allow her to know-and
darting away again, and falling on
her head, and exposing herself
exposing herself to remarks about
her carelessness, Madam-hold your
tongue and always taking care
to fall when that young man is close
by to pick her up. 1t is charming
They look pretty and interesting,
too, when they are just learning
when they stand still a long time in
one place, and then start one foot
out gingerly, and it makes break
for the other side of the pond and
leaves the balance of the girl sprawl
ing on this side. But you! You
look fat and awkward and dismal
enough at any time; but when you
are on skates you waddle off as
stutfy and stupid and ungainly as a
buzzard that's had half a horse for
dinner. l won't have it, Madam
And you get under little precari.
GUS headway and then put your feet
together and drift along, stopping
your head and shoulders and hold
ing your arms out like you expect
ed a church to fall on you; it ag-
gravates the life out Of me! And
Tuesday, when l was ass enough to
get on skates myself, and kicked
the Irish Giants eye out the first
dash, and lit on my head and crack
ed the ice so that it looked like the
sun with all its rays had dropped
where l struck, and they fined me
ninety-two dollars for running the
mans pond, | was terrified with
the conviction that l had gone
through to the inside of the world,
because I saw the parallels of lati,
tude glimmering all around me
and what was it but you, in youl
awkwardness, fetching up over me
with your confounded filters on
You've got to discard those things.
1 can't stand the pew rent, and l
won't"
Mr.. Twain, I am surp-"
"Hold your clatter! I tell youyou
shan't bring odium upon the family
by your disgraceful attempts to
skate; sprawling around with your
big feet like a COW plowing her way
down hill in slippery weather. May
be you wouldn't be so handy about
displaying those feet of yours ifyou
knew what occurred when l took
your shoes down to get mended."
"What was it2 Tell me what ii
was; tell me what it was this min
ute? Ijust know it's one of your
lies !"
ooh! don't mind; it amt of any
consequence; go to Sleep
"But it is of consequence =
You've got to tell me; you shan't
aggravate me this way; I won't go
to sleep till l know what it was,'
"Oh it wasn't any thing"
"Mr. Twain, 1 know better =
You're just doing this to drive me
to distraction What did that shoe
maker say about my shoe2 What
did he do? Quick %
"Well, if you must know, he-he
however, it's ofno consequence"
"Mr. Twain"
"Well, he-he took it and gazed
upon it a long time in silence, and
put his handkerchief to his eyes and
burst into tears"
"Why, you born fool! Twain,
are you going stark, staring era
zy?"
He just stood there and wept as
if his heart would break, poor dew
il! There, now, let's go to sleep"
"Sleep, you lunaticl III never
close my eyes till I know what that
idiot was crying about--and you
won't either, 1 tell you that. Come p
"Ohl it don't matter"
"Mr. Twain, ifyou say that again,
l say I'll make you sorry for it