The Portland daily press., 1867-11-21
Miscellany.
A North CaroIina Witness.

The following amusing sketch, after slum-
bering peacefully for quarter of century,
has been dug up and started on its travels
again by the Bangor Wing: ~
An action for assault and battery Is on
trial, aud the counsel has called and exam
ined several witnesses, one swearing that he
heard the noise but did not see the fight at
Rice's-another, that he saw the row, but
could not say which struck first, and a third,
who swore that he was very drunk, and could
not say much about the skrimmage.
Lawyer Chops then rose and said: "I am
sorry, gentlemen, to have occupied your time
with the stupidity of the witnesses examined.
Had known, as now do, that I had a wit
ness In attendance, who was well acquainted
with all the circ instances of the case, and
who was able to make himself clearly under
stood by the Court a1d Jury, / should net SO
long have trespassed upon your time and pa
tience. Come forward, Mr.. Harris, and be
sworn"
So forward comes Mr. Harris, fat, snuffy
old mana "leetle" corned, and took his
oath with an air.
Chops-Harris, we wish you to tell the
Court and Jury about the riot that happened
the other day at Captain Rice's, and as a
good deal of time has already been wasted in
circumlocution, we wish you to be COM
pendous and as explicit as possible.
Harris-Adzactly; (giving the lauyer a
kn0tcang oUiRk, and at the same time clearing
his throdt;) Captain Rice, he gin treat, and
Sally billiard, she came over to our house,
and axed me If my wife. she moutnt go.
told cousin Sally billiard that my wife was
poorly, being as how she had touch of the
: rheumatics, and the big swamp was in the
road, and the big swamp was up, for there
had been a heep OF rain lately, but, how
somever, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard,
my wife. she mout go. Well, cousin Sally
billiard then axed me if Nose, he moutn't 90.
I told cousin Sally billiard that Nose was the
foreman ofthe crap, and the crap was smart
ly in the grass, but howsomever, as it was
she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose, he mout go
Chops-In the name of common sense. Mr..
Witness, what do you mean by this rigma-
role?
Witness-Captain Rice, he gin a treat and
cousin Sally billiard, she came over to our
house and axed me il my vile, she moutn't
go. 1 told cousin Sally Dillard--
Chops-Stop, sir! We don't want to hear
about your cousin Sally billiard and your wife
tell us about the fight at Rice's.
Witness-Well, will sir, if you will let me.
II Chops-Well, sir, 90 on.
Nv ieWitneSs-Well, sir, Captain Rice, he gin
treat, and cousin Sally Oillard came over to
to our house and axed me, if my wife, she
moutn't 60
Cnops-1nere IL Is again. Witness, please
stop.
Witness-WeD, sir, what do YOU want?
Chops.-We want to know about the fight
at Ric:s, and you must not proceed in this
1mpertineDt story. Do you know any thing
about the matter before the Court?
Witness.-To be sure do.
'Chops'-Well go on and tell it and nothing
else.
Witness.-We!, Captain Rice, he gin treat
and cousin Sally Dillard-
Chops.-Thisis is intulerable, Nav it please
the Court, | move that this witness be COM
mltted for contempt; he seems to be trifing
with the Court.
Court.-Witness, you are now before
Court of Justice, and unless you behave your
selfin more becoming manner, you Will be
sent to Jail; SO begin and tell us what you
know about the fight at Captain Rices.
Witness.-(Atdrmed)Well gentleman, 1
Will. Captain Rice, he gin treat, and cous-
In Sally billiard. she came over to our house
Chops.-T hope the witness will be ordered
into custody.
Court (After deliberating) Mr.. Attor-
ney, the Court is of the opinion that we may
save time by telling the witness to go on in
his own way. Proceed, Mr.. Harris, with
your story, but stick to the poipt.
Witness-Yes, gentleman. Well, Captain
nice, ne gin treat, and cousin Sally Dillard,
she came over to our house. and aXed me if
my vie, she mount go. told cousin Sally
billiard, that my wife, she was poorly, being
as how she had the rheumatics, and the big
swamp was up; but howsomever, as it was
sne cousin Sally billiard, my wife, she mout
CO. Well cousin Sally billiard then
axed me if Nose, he mountn't 60
told cousin Sally billiard as how Nose, he
was the foreman Of the crap, and the crap
was smartly in the grass, but howsomever, as
1t was she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose, he
mout go. So they goes on together, Nose,
my wife and cousin Sally billiard, and they
come TO the big swamp, and it was up, as I
was telling you; but being as how there was
a log across the big swamp, cousin Sally Dill
lard and Nose, like genteel folks, they walk
ed the log, but my wife, like a darned fool,
holsted her coats and waded through-and
that's all knoac about the fqht.