Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-01-31
FUN, FACTS, AND FACETIE,

4 WESTERN editor thus cusses -
his opponent May his COW give SON
milk, and his hens bad eggs Ii short, may
his daughter marry q one-eyed editor, hi
business 90 to ruin md he go to-Congress,
\ GENTLEMAN having asked how
many dog days there were in year, re-
ceived for an answer, that it was impossi-
BILE to number them, as every dog has his
day.
NEVER despise counsels from what
ever they reach you. Remember that the
pearl is keenly sought for in spite Of the
coarse shell which envelops it.
A MISERY old farmer who had lost
one + his best hands in the midst of hay
making, remarked to the sexton as he was
filling up the grave Its a sad thing t.
lose good mower at time like this but
after all poor Tom was a great eater
IT has been asked, "When rain
falls, does it ever getup again" Of course
it does-in due time.
A MAN in Maine applied for two
gallons OF rum for medical purposes. 49,
% For what medical purposes:' inquired
the agent =. For raising barn, was the
reply.
QUILP thinks it rather remarkable
that while several thousand feet are required
to make one rood, u single foot, properly
applied IS often sufficient to make one civil
4 ror is like new set Of knives
and forks, you can't put him to nothing
useful without taking away all his polish.
Why is it easy to break into an old
mans house: Because his gait is broken
and his locks aro few.
HEARING a physician remark that Il
small blow would break the nose, a rustic
exclaimed Well, I dunno about lhat.
I've blowed my nose a great number ol
times. and I've never broke it yet.
WONDERFUL things are done now
adays" said BIr. Timmins the doctor
has given Flack's hoy new lip from his
cheek "Ah, said his Lady, "many's the
time l have known a pair taken from min.
and no very painful operation either,
BRIGHAM You've has been making
inspecting tours round about his doninionS
He was ':insHlted by rough backwoods
man, who proponnded Artemus Ward
question direct "How'S your mother-in-
law"
IT is said the reason the stars did
mt shoot was because the police Were ol
the watch for them.
WHEN Madame Rachel saw her
stout sister Sarah dressed for the part Of
shepherdess, her comment was Sarah,
dear, you look like a shepherdess who has
lust dined on her flock"
AN IRISH peer says, "nevor be Crit-
ical upon the ladies the only way tTuo
gentleman ever will attempt TO lool, Mt the
fnults Of a pretty woman is 10 shut his
eyes.
TENo said that an aVaricious man
was like q barren, sandy soil, which sucl;.
in all the rain. and dews with greedinoSa
and thirst-but yields no fruitful herbs ol
plants to the inhabitants.
NEVER purchase love on friendship
by gifts, for when thus obtained they ary
lost as soon as you stop payment.
A YOUNG lady slys the reason that
she carries parasol is, that the sun is OF
the masculine gender, and she cannot with
stand its its ardent glances.
THE light of other days-talIow
candles.
WoNDERFUI--A contemporary, re-.
cording the fall Of a. person into the riy-
er, says, " 1t is a wonder that he escaped
with his life. Wouldn't it have been q
still greater wonder if he had cS aped with
out ii
WHAT is that which occurs once in
I -
in a hundred years The letter N.
AT printers festival lately, the
following toast was offered: " Woman
| second only to the press in the diSsemina-
ton of news.
JOSH BIEl.lSGS says there is nothing.
more touching in this life than to see a
poor but virtuous young man struggling
with 4 moustache.
An old bachelor being laughed at
are small potatoes. 1--WE may be small
potatoes" cried one OF them, but Ne are
sweet ones.
If you would have 4 thing kept Sc
eret, never tell il 10 any one,
ENVY is only fixed oil merit and
like sore eye. IS offended with everything
| that is bright.
The first part Of married life is the
shine of the honeymoon the rest, too Oft
en-, common moonsEine.
THERE are faces out of which truth
looks so unequivoeally that to distruSt them
seems like PROCLAMATION