Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-02-15
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Il tlckler TREND to you, as the snuIl
said to the nose.
How to make pantaloons last-make the
coat and vest first.
QuIrE a number of our banks are goinginto
liquidation snow. banks, we mean.
Mrs. PAErNGroN wants to know if the
Pope sent any of his bulls to the cattle show?
"GESrLY the dews are DER me stealing"
as the man said when he had five bills pre-
sented to him at once.
"a SOFT answer turneth away wrath, as
the man said when he hurled a squash at his
enemy head.
LovG's best arrow is tipped with goldi and
his best culver easket of jewels.
WnEy should you apply a sorereign remedy
to your tooth? When it is a-king.
WuAr is JOY? To count your money, and
find it overruns a hundred dollars.
To cure a felon-Suspend by the neck
about one hour.
WHEN is a mans muscle like a railroad?
When he travels on it.
Az English lecturer, in speaking of this
country, says, America is no place for
fools As soon as this fact was ascertained,
he left.
''The winter of my life has come" said
Jenkins, as he looked at his white locks in
the glass. II perceive snow in the h air.
YOUNG man recently advertised for
wife, and received eighteen hundred answers
from husbands, saying he can have theirs,
This shows the value of advertising.
"Yop dentist, Bob? did not know you
were in that trade" ''Yes, said Bob, II
follow no other business but setting teeth-in
beef bread, potatoes, and such like"
PuYcH says that women first resorted to
tight.lacing to prove to the men how well
they could bear tight squeezing.
WHAT is that which no person wants, but
which if any person should have he would
not part with for untold wealth? A bald
head
NATURE, when she makes beautiful head,
is often so absorbed with admiration of her
work that she forgets the brains.
An auctioneer's clerk being directed by his
employer to insert an advertisement of "a
fresco by Raphael" wrote, "a Fresh Cow
by Rafile!'
TEETH are stopped by gold, and tongues
may be so likewise. A man with a rich wife
is often silenced by her throwing her money
in his teeth
ALTrLE fve-year old, referring to his sis
ter's perfumery, said: "There aim no penny
in that, is there?'' ''No, my dear, ''Then,
what makes you call it a (s)cent bag?''
"AlI. flesh is grass, sighed Spodgers, af.
ter dinner one day, and Immediately added
"0f all grasses, give me plump grass
widow"
HEARTs-the best card in the chance game
Of matrimony; sometimes overcome by dia-
monds and knaves; often won by tricks; and
occasionally treated in shufiing manner,
and then cut altogether.
A LADY seeing drunken man in the gutter,
said she was afraid he was dead, Pat, who
had been near enough to smell his breath ex-
claimed: Faith, and wish I had half his
disease"
A WIDOW lately received present of tur-
key. ''Who sent it?'' she asked of the Irish
porter ~ was told not to tell said he
"Ah, l can guess said the lady. "Be
dad, said the porter, 'that's just what
told Deacon Grant
'I bequeath,' said an Irishman, in his
will, ''to my beloved wife all my property
without reserve, and to my eldest son, Pat
rick, one-half of the remainder, and to Den
mis-, my youngest, the rest. If anything is
left it may go to Torrance McCarty."
A sroRY'is told of Stewart, the dry goods
millionaire, that knowing certain article was
rising, he sent to Boston merchant to buy
up everything of the kind at the hub He
overlooked the putting up of his own prices,
however, to correspond to the rise; the Bos-
tonian found it out, and bought half of Stew
arts own stock at two cents yard less than
market rates, before the merchant prince
found it out. Stewart had to buy his own
goods at an advance.
A YEIGHBoBING cotemporary says
Marriage and death notices are published
free, though it is usually the custom to ac-
company the former with dollar, either
gold or greenback, or with pound cake, or
at least to allow the printerman to kiss the
bride. 1t wouldn't be difficult to tell which
alternative the ''printer man " prefers.
A PosTsCRIPr.-'I love to look upon a
young man. The is a hidden potency CON
cealed withia his breast which charms and
pains me-"
The daughter of clergyman happening to
find the above sentence at the close of a piece
of her fathers manuscript as he had left it in
his study, sat down, and added:
''Thems my sentiments exactly, papa, ex-
cepting the pains. -
KISSING a QUAKEREss.-The late Mr.. Bush
used to tell this story of brother barrister:
AS the coach was about starting before break
fast, the modest limb Of the law approached
the land-lady, a pretty Quakeress, who was
near the fire, and said he could not think Of
going without giving her kiss.
''Friend, said she, "thee must not do it.
"Oh, by heavens, willl' replied the bar
rister
"WelI, friend, as thou, hast sworn, thee
may do it, but thee must not make a practice