Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-01-04
4{nnorons,


RATHER omnious-to be importuned by your
young wife to get your life insured.
WHY'S the inside of everything uninteli-
gible Because you can't make it out
BlsNAnS handles his cards queerly he
plays the deuce with kings.
PrRrrcr integrity and properly cooked
beef steak are rare.
WHES shoemaker goes to make a boot
the frst thing he uses is the last.
sAmops. though not generally a musical
class, are aleays able to sound the c, cor
rectly.
Why is .liltng-skirt' Ike slaughter
pen Because lean and fat calves are seen
in them
The consumptive man has one advantage.
He always keeps hack.
PAwHBaoNrHs' cAseks-Turnpike tickets
on the road to poverty
You've ladies should set good examples
for the young men are always following them.
AT what age do pigs end their existence ?
Answer-Sausa age.
How, asks a speaker, would our former
Legislatures look, with a negro among them?
Web, ike fly in bowl of milk
Why is electricity like the police when,
they are wanted Because ii is an Invisible
force.
If a bear should walk INTO linen draper's
shop what are we to suppose he would want
Muslin.
BscArsga Colt Pistol has six barrels, can
It be told exactly how many baUeIs horse
pistol should have?
1t is not the height to which men are rails
ed that so often makes them giddy, but it is
the looking upon those below them.
Il SAY, what are you about-sweepiug out
the room ~ mo, answered Pat, Il am
sweeping out the dirt"
A LITTLE child thus defines gossip It's
when nobody don't do noshin' and somebody
goes and tells it,
Why Is divinity the easiest of the three
learned professions? Because it Is easier to
preach than practice
Il go through my work, as the needle
said to the idle boy. ''But not until you are
pushed, as the idle boy said to the needle.
sLASDER is like salad, which every one
will season to his own taste, or the taste of
those whom he offers it.
The editor who kissed his sweetheart, say
ing ''please exchange" is believed not to
have exceeded the proper liberty of the
press
"BcB, said young fellow at a fair, you
are missing all the sights on this side
''Never mind Bill, retorted Bob, ~ am
sighting all the misses on the other
SPoDGER came across man the other day
who is so conservative that be refuses to take
particular medicine because it promises to
work a radical cure.
A YANKEE Farmer is endeavoring to dis
cover a plan to extract the beats from music /
al compositions. He says that they are
worth trying for, as in some cases it only |
takes two to fill a measure.
A LADY, writing on the subject, says
''When men break their hearts, it is the same
as when a lobster breaks one of his claws
another sprouting Immediately in its place.
A SMART young lawyer clerk, hearing it
stated by lecturer that ''man is merely
machine, remarked, Il suppose an attorney
may be a suing machine.
The Welch have a saying that if woman
was as quick with her feet as she is with her
tongue, she would catch lightning enough to
kindle the fire n the morning.
you've destroyed my peace of mind,
Betsy said desponding lover to a trrant
lass 'It can't do.much HARM, John, for
twas 'mazing small piece you had any
how"
PUNCH tells Of city man who never got
up till noon, because, he said, it was only
fair, as day broke in the morning, to give it a
chance of redeeming its position before be-
ginning business withit.
APRrv4rE soldier, entering the fight at
Murfreesboro saw a rabbit running off the
field. $50 it, Molly Cotton Tail, he ex-
claimed, ''If didn't have a reputation to
sustain, I'd be going it too.
Ay old bachelor acquaintance remarks
"a great many anecdotes are related of per
sonal bravery. We would like to see that
man who would deliberately allowa woman to
catch him making mouths at her baby,
WIGGIys was one day with a friend, when he
observed poor dog thathad been killed lying
in the gutter Virgins paused-gazing in
tently at the dead animal, and at last said -
''Here is onother shipwreek." 'Shipwreck
where ~ There's bark that's lost forev-
er." His companion growled and passed
on.
A GREAT Methodist orator in Dublin once
attempted TO preach from the text, 'Remem-
Der Lots wife, and made a failure After
wards remarking to DR.. Bond that he did not
know the reason of his failure, the venerable
doctor replied that che had better hereafter
let other peoples wives alone"
CoCENEYIsNs.- Witness ''This here fel-
Ter broke our winder with tater, and hit Isa-
bellar on the elber as she was playing on the
pianer.' Magistrate ''The conduct of the
prisona' and his general characta render it
propa' that he should no longr' be memba'
of society,"
Love Your ENEMIES. Some years since /