The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1867-11-27
HUMOR AND sARCAsm

Mark Twain gives some ACCOUNT OF
Ehe Recent Expedition TO the Holy
Land.
The steamship Quaker City, that Ieft
Nav York last June for the Holy Land,
with cargo of szrursiouists on board.
returned last week, and Mark Twain,
the comic writer, who WAS i passenger,
furnishes the New York Herald some
account or the trip. He says that three
fourths Of the passengers were between
40 and 70 years OF age, and the other
fourth was composed OF Hrusty baehe-
lors and a child six years old" This,
says he, WAS "a picnic crew for you. I"
A laugh WAS scarcely heard Onca II
week, and even then received but pre-
cions little sympathy." He continues
rs follows:
As advertised, the
plymouth Collection Of Hymnsr WIS
used on board, II was freq ueutly used
We had q prayer meetiug every night.
On this part of the subject L wish to
touch very lightly. 1 could not quarrel,
no one could quarrel, with the prayer
meetings. We are all taught To respect
these things. Theirs were those, hOW ever
in the ships company who attributed
the tact that we had a steady siege OF
storms and head winds for hvs mortal
months solely 10 the prayer meetiuga.
But was uot Of that faction. There
we're those who we're abandoned enough
to believe that some time ruLher par
ticulArIy agYrayating and long-drawn
prayer meeting would bring down IL
storm tha5 would sink the ship. I was
not OF that party either. said all
enough; we ought 70 have had tham
before breakfast, and between meals,
and every now and then, and pretty
much all the time. Those were my
sentiments. [ do not brag, but thoss
were certainly my sentimsnts.
Wherever we went, in Europe, Asiu
or Africa, we made a sensation, and
suppose | may add. created a famine.
None OF US mad ever been anywhere be-
fore; we all hailed from the interior;
travel WAS wild novelty 10 Us, and we
conducted ourselves In accordance with
the natural Instincts that were in US,
and trammelled ourselves with no Gere-
monies, no cOnventionallLiss. We al
ways took care 20 make it understood
that we were Americans-America
The people stared at US everywhere
and we stared aG them. We generally
made them feel rather small, too, before
we got done with them, because we bore
down on them with Americans great
ness until we crushed them. In FrnnGa
and Spuiu we attracted some attention
in costumes. IN Italy they naturally
took US for distempered GHribaldians,
and set gunbOHt to look Tor anything
significant in our changes of uniform.
We made Rome howl We could have
msde any place howl when We had all
our clothes on. We got no fresh raj
meut IN Greece-they had but little
there OF any kind. But at Constantine
ple, how we turned Oul Turbans,
scimetArs, fezZas, horse pistols, tunics,
sashes, baEgy trowsers. yellow slippers
Oh, we were gorgeous! The illus
trious dogs or COustHntinOPle barksd
their under jaws od, and even then
failed to do US justice. They are all
dend by this time They could not go
through such IA run of business as we
gave them ard survive.
Aud then we went
to see the Emperor Of Russia. We Just
called on him us comfortably as II We
had known him century or so, anu
when we had finished our visit We var1e-
gated ourselves with selections from
Russian costumes and sailed away
again more picturesque than ever In
Smyrna we picked up Gamels' hair
shawIs and other dressy things from
Persia; but in PaIestiue-ah, in PdIes-
tfne-Our splendid career ended. They
didn't wear any clothes there 10 speak
on We were satisfied, and stopped
we made no experiments. We did not
try their costume. But We 4stonlshen
the natives of that country. We as
tOnished them with such eGceutriclIles
of dress as we could muster. We
prowlet through the Holy Land from
Cesarea Philhppf to Jerusalem and the
Dead sea, a Weried procession OF pLl-
2rtmS, gotten up regardless ofaxpense,
solemn, gorgeous, green speetaeied,
droWsiug under blue umbrellas, ana
astride OF a sorrer lot Of horses camels
and asses than those that came out of
Noah's ARK, AFTER eleven months oil sea-
sickness and short rations. IT ever
those children OF Israel in Palestine for
get when Gidzon'S band went through
Ihera from America they ought TO be
cursed once more and finished IL Was
the raTesC spectacle Enat ever astnunded
mortal eyes, perhaps.
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