Nashville union and dispatch. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1866-1868, 1867-01-13
DIRECTIONS FoK HUsBANDs.

hGllNtl ltE YOU. on httl no NlIttllbil0.
Nou can get drunk as often as YOU please,
be guilty Of robbery, assassination battle,
murder, sudden death and privy CON
! spiracy, and make your wife believe hy
means Of a single kiss, that you are one OF
the saints of the earth.
For those husbands who only apparently,
/ not really, have mastered the hearts of their
wives, we lay down the following direc-
! tiCns
If on your wedding night you failed to
! get drunk and break all your m0ther-in-
laws crockery, do something equally out
| rageOus as soon as possible. You will then
always be able to scare yOur wife into sub
mission by reminding her OF what you have
| done, and what you may beprovoked to do
again.
if your wife is fond OF entertaining, and
you are not, wait till her fashionable
friends are assembled at the house, and
then walk into the parlor with nothing on
but your shirt and stockings. 1t will doubt
less have the effect Of making "the company
fv the room"
If You are fond Of smoking pipe, and
your wife complains of your breath on ac-
count of It, eat onions; il will make her
forget the pipe
If yOu have a baby, groan as if your last
hour had come, whenever it begins aguall-
ing at night. You will not then be called
upon 10 walk it.
As sick rooms are not pleasant, always
have business that will keep you down
town the whole day, and half the night,
when your wife is sick.
When you get home at four o'clock in the
morning, after having lost months earn
Ings lighting the. tiger" or playing
game of draw with your friends, tell
your wife that your business is getting 80
large that the labor of carving it on is
| breaking down your constitution, and you
must take in partner; but when she men
tions new dress, shake your head and talk
about economy and hard times.
If your wiie-is very religious and fond of
| entertaining ministers, take advantage of
the first opportunity to Insult one of these
gentlemen in your own house. 1t can be
| done with perfect impunity, and will deter
others from calling during meal hours, or
any other time.
If your circumstances are such that you
find It necessary to practice economy, be-
gin with your table, and dine every day at
| a restaurant
There are certain little things that must
be done daily by one or the other of every
married couple. Impress upon your wife
that the performance of these is very. 6is-
tasteful to you, and so force her to attend to
the whole Of them herself Among these
Is the kindling of the fire in the morning,
if You have no servant. Lie in bed and let
your wife do it. Also, wait for her to pour
out the water for you to wash, brush your
clothes, and place your slippers by a chair
! before the fire. When all il prepared, get
ont Of bed and dress vOuself, taking care
| not to show, by word or look, that You ap-
! preciate the little attentions that have been
| shown you. But if you find that any Of
them have been overlooked, be very cross
and fretful during the rest Of the morning.
When You are asked to go ont TO make
an evening call, complain Of a very bad
| headache.
Make it a point never to praise any dish
/ on the table, especially the one to which
you know your wife has given her personal
attention. Such a course will suppress
any lurking vanity there may be in her
nature.
When you are in a room together, always
occupy the most comfortable seat after
| having offered it to her in such way that
/ ailS NAA y WIN dlll LAtbAlNt1y iNAtlt H.
Give her the-ChOiGe of any dish You are
carving, after having repeatedly informed
her what parts you yourself prefer.
Keep her in perfect ignorance as to the
| condition Of your business, although she Is
as deeply interested in it az you are, and no
| injury can result to it by your telling her
all about it. By keeping it to yourself you
| have the satisfaction of feeling that yOu are
r., Ia kaT al
! does not.
| If from any cause you are detained at
home, and find the time heavy on your
hands, it may be that your wife is interested
in novel that she ia about half through
with. Take it from her az you wished
merely to glance at it; sit down and read it
! by the hour She, in the mean time, may
amuse herself with sewing.
If You do not keep carriage, and your
! wife tells you that she and the children need
an airing, tell her to wait for the death of
one Of her friends, when she may ride TO
the funeral free Of cost.
If any of your wile's relatives come to
stay at the house, let the high price of pro-
visions be the sole topic of conversation in
their hearing; but borrow all the money
you can from your father-in-law, and if he
| keeps a carriage never dream Of getting one
yourself
When you wish to make your wife Il
present, bny something that is absolutely
necessary about the house, and never let
slip an opportunity of making her thank
YOU for it.
! Whenever vOU are sick enough to lay up
at home, eIaggerate your symptoms, ard
make your wife believe you are going to die
If she has any heart at all, she will nurse
You better for it.
Once after Sheridan had lost at play all
the money he had borrowed, and was pass
ing out into the street, feeling in q very bad
humor, he saw poor fellow stopping down
TO tie his shoes So whet should he do bat
kick the man over on his face with the re-
mark, "D-n you, YOU are nIruys tying
your shoes i' When s. man is in a bad
humor II is a great relief TO him TO find
some object on which he can vent his
wrath without running any personal risk
A married man will always find an object
in his amiahle wife Whenever YOU feel
worried about any thing, abuse your wife ;
it will be a great relief 10 you. And when
she appears before company with eyes red
from weeping, assume the most affection
ate manner, and chide her for going ont
shopping on such a raw, windy day.
There. We are certain we shall have the
heartfelt thanks of all wives that chance TO
peruse the above (which, however, is in
tended solely for their husbands, } and that
Is the only boon we crave Next Sunday
We shall probably take mp cudgels in behalf
of husbands, by laying down directions for
wives; and follow them with rules by
| which children may regulate their conduct