The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1867-08-03
The Destruction of the Crops.


The Destruction OF the Crops.
From the Tribune.
A hideous plot has Just been discovered in
Pennsylvania, having for its object the
destruction of the crops throughout the
country. The band of midnight conspirators
who met in Philadelphia have long -rnedi-
tated a sweeping blow, by which all kSkds Of
food should be forever annihilated We
have the full particulars of this vile con-
spiracy, of which the notorious Joe Flanagan
was the chief Flanagan has long been
known as one of the bitter enemies of the
great political parties, from both of which he
has repeatedly been expelled, under aggra-
waiting circumstances. WTithing under this
disgrace, he resolved to ruin them both that
his own small party might spring suddenly
into power. Various plans were suggested
throwing vast quantities of strychnine into
the lakes and rivers was thought of, but re-
jected as it was known that the Democrats
never drink water. Then it was proposed to
put arsenic in the whisky, but this was also
abandoned as utterly harmless to the Republi-
cans, and because the immense quantity of
whisky consumed by the Democratic party
would dilute, till it became powerless, all the
poison that could be obtained. Other plans
costing to execute five, ten, and thirty dollars
each, were rejected as too expensive. The plot
was rapidly becoming what the Philadelphia
papers call an imbroglio, when, as Joseph was
one day mingling his tears with a plate of
soup, 1t occurred to him that the capabilities
! of soup as an engine of national destruction
had never been thoroughly developed. He
thought with admiration of the superb scheme
by which the Union Conservative Hunger
Committee of New York intend to turn General
! Grant into soup ladle, and how he might imi-
/ tate if not excel their effrontery. Before the
! hpiS ,Nlo
Joseph contemplated nothing else than the
creation of famine throughout the land.
/ Five or six men, equal in capacity to himself,
might, he thought, speedily produce a famine
if the opportunity were afforded With this
end in view, he made known his nefarious
scheme to one John Welsh, one Cosshall, one
| Sawyer, and one Bevan. Dreadful oaths of
secresy were sworn over bowl of soup, and
the conspirators in their midnight conclaves
practised nightly, and tested their power of
consumption. The result inspired them with
enthusiasm and confidence, and their long de-
privation of office, formerly regretted, was now
looked upon as Providential overruling, in
tended to increase their appetites. A few
( weeks of this practice was followed by such an
alarming rise in the price of food in Phila-
delphia, that the consprators were obliged to
desist for want of funds, and compelled to
strike the blow. They left Philadelphia,
the price of provisions Immediately fell, and
went to Washington, where it Immediately
arose. ... ... ... .
Their scheme was to ask the President to
appoint them to office. That done, the fate of
the nation would be sealed. They had OBJ
tanned, by peeping through the key-hole of the
Agricultural Bureau, the knowledge that the
wheat crop would be 200, 900, 600 bushels; the
Indian corn crop, 1000, 600, 600 bushels; the
oat CROP 200, 900, 900 bushels; the rice, barley,
rye, and other crops, 500, ,000,0 900 bushels, and
these statistics filed them with gratitude to
Providence Joseph decided that each of the five
conspirators should hold as many offices as he
could get; that the crops should be divided
into five rations, to be equally distributed, he
being responsible for the consumption of the
I rye-baked or distilled, as personal idiosyncra-
sizes should determine. Everything being thus
settled, the five nspiratOrs-disguising their
hunger lest it might reveal their plot-Waited
upon the President and requested to be ap-
pointed pOstmasters. But fortunately for the
country, Mr.. johnson invited them to dinner,
and after witnessing that performance with
astOnishment and fear plainly told them
that in duty to his own family he could not
grant their request. He could not cOntem-
plate without weeping, he said, the spectacle
of Minister Campbell crying for bread in vain
of Steedman and Fullerton reduced to the ne
cessity of devouring each other, and expiring
ofice-hOlders everywhere reprOaching him
with their untimely ends. No, gentlemen, he
/
the miracle by which few fragments were
made $4,000 loaves, and to turn 10000, ,000-
100000 900, 600 000 O00 600, ,O0O 0O0, 900 loaves
into few fragments. Hearing these terrible
} words the eonspirators burst into tears and
retired, resolving to extort from General Grant
4 his views upon the impartial distribution of
T soup and of tish-balls as a reward of Spartan
hdehty to the Constitution. Such was the
r narrow escape of the people of this countryl
9 HAD the aroh-conspirator Joseph and his myr-
: mldons obtained Office, the crops would have
1 been devoured, the Democracy and the Re-
Q pubhcans annihilated, and starvation would
= have stared the nation in the face.
Mr.. Jefferson and Patrick Henry.
: From he World
b We read the other day in the Philadelphia
!, Age curious tract or memorandum by Mr..
: jefferson on Patrick Henry. It is not a plea
= SAINT document. AS it bears no date. one can
: only conjecture the circumstances and inau.
|; ences under which it was written, and Il Is
+ natural to attribute 1t to that portion of Mr.,
: JefFerson's life when, in absolute retiremep,
at Monticello, he allowed himself to be embit