The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1867-07-11
Smile and grow Corpulent.


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Smile and grow Corpulent.
. 1t is easy to say grace, but not half so easy
: to possess it.
What do we often drop, yet never stoop to
pick up? hint
Advice rs the only sort of vice that some
people don't follow. Emulate the cucumber
keep cool
One charge in a lawyers bill against client
was, For waking up in the night and think
ing ofyour business-fye dollars.
To drain lands:-drink whiskey and spend
all your time in the village saloon. This will
drain you of all your lands in short time.
Kisses between women are like two hand
some unmatched gloves-charming things
with their proper mates, but good for moth
ing in that way.
"Do you understand me now" Numbered
country pedagogue to an urchin at whose
head he threw an nRstand 'I've got an ink
ling of what you mean" replied the boy.
A man in Maine was recently asked to sub
fscrlbe fora chandelier in church. Snow
said he What's the use of chandelier
After you get it you can't get any one to
play on it,"
We have all heard of asking for bread and
receiving stone; but young gentleman may
be considered as still worse treated when he
asks lor a young lady's hand, and gets her
fathers foot.
One of Josh Billings maxims:-"Rise arly'
work hard and late, live on what you kant
sell, give nothing ava, and if you don't die
Tlch' and go to The devil, you may sue me for
damages"
"Pa, said John Smiths youngest son, "can't
| | 90 to the circus % ' =
mo, my son." affectionately replied Mr..
Smith; If you are good boy, I'll take you to
see your grandmother's grave this evening""
! The late well-known Daniel O'Connell once
met conceited literary friend and exclaimed,
Il saw capital thing in your last pamphlet
I fDid your eagerly inquired his delighted
listener, what was it? ~ "a pound of but
ter ~
'Sir," said an indignant husband to a rest
less friend, you have abused nv hospitality,
| you have kicked me down stairs, and you have
kissed my wife before my face. Beware sir
A few more such outrages, and by Jove, you'll
rouse the lion ~
Miss Buchanan, once rallying her lover, an |
officer, on his courage, said: Now Mr.. Harry, |
do you really mean to tell me you can walk
up to the lannon's mouth without fear?''
Yes WAS the prompt reply, cor Blu
chanan's either" And he did.
"If you ever marry" said a Roman Consul |
to his son, t'let it be to one who has sense
enough to set meal of yictuals with her own |
hands, taste enough to dress herself, pride
enough to wash herself before preparing |
breakfast, and sense enough to hold her
tongue when she has nothing to say" Had I
1T been the present age, and in America, the |
poor boy would have never married.
A poor citizen of Berlin was recently left |
some $50, 900. Being very old and feeble, he was
puzzled as to whom he should will his money
Thinking more Of his friends worthy of it, he |
at last determined to leave it to bitter enc
my, who had large family and no money |
except his daily earnings He made his will to |
that effect; he made it condition, however
that the heir should always wear thin, white
linen clothes, and no extra underclothes.-l
Should that condition be violated, even once, |
the money goes to tina executors.
The following obituary notice recently APP
peared in German paper:
''My husband is no more. He did not wish
to live longer, and, if he had, it would have
made no difference, for govt entered his stom-
marry the Doctor who so kindly attended my
late husband; 1 learned then to trust him.
Soft rest the ashes of the departed one, whose
wholesale liquor business l shall continue at
81 can't find bread for my family" said a
lazy ellow in company. ''Nor /, /" replied an
industrious miller; ''Tm OBLIGED to work for
it,"
Jim P-wss in the tanning business, and
was also afflicted with a pgnning partner
One day Jim said: Harrison has offered me
a lot of bark cheap" Has he, hey-barS? !"
Yes, bark" Well, then, l advise you to
6ayt."
An Irishman entered a barber-shop while
drunk, ate with brush cup of lather, dug
out the balls of soap at the bottom of the cup
How did you like your dinner?" asked by
stander Said Pat, "the custard was Elegant
but by my soul, think the egg was little
too long under the wather"
A Missourian informed traveller who had
inquired about corn, that leach stalk had nine
ears on it, and was fifteen feet high" "That's
nothing to our corn'' replied the traveller
up in Illinois where | came FROM we always
had nine ears to each stalk, and a peck of
shelled corn, hanging to each tassel; but we
never could raise any field beans with it."-
Why" asked the other. Because the corn
grew so fast it always pulled the beans up.
"There is one thing sure" said Mrs Part
ington, ''tha females of the present generation
are a heap more independent than they need to
be. Why saw gal go by the other day
that know belongs to the historical class of
society. with her dress all tucked up, her hair
all buzzled up like if she hadn't time to comb
it for week, and one of her grandmother's
nightcaps, in an awful crumpled condition, on
her head. Why, law, honey, when / was
gal, if one OF the fellows came along when
had my clothes tucked up that way. and my
head covered with a white rag, 1 Would run
for dear life to get out of sight Well, we'll
the gals then were innocent, unconfscated
creatures; now they are what the French call
'blazes,'"
snow gents" said Yankee at dinner,
guess I'll show you somethin' that no critter
in this room ever seed afore and not critter
living ever will see agip. Dye bet ?" The
bet was made and the Y kee took nut off
the dessert plate, and cracking it held up the
kernel between his thumb and finger 'Now
gents, karkilate none of yer ever seed. that
kernel atore, and Swallowing it'll guess you'll |
never see it again. Please fork out.