Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-07-26
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No TUNE, it is said, is so popular, yet so
hard to catch, as fortune.
Moan was probably the first person who
went to gea for fear Of being drowned
The man who couldn't stand it any lon
ger has taken a seat, and now feels quite
comfortable.
A CHINESE thief having stolen missiona-
rys watch, brought it back to him the next
day to be shown how to wind it up.
THERE is a whole sermon in the saying Of
the Persian: 'In all quarrels leave open the
door of reconciliation. We should never
forget it.
! "KArY, have you laid the table cloth and
plates yet?'' "Au' sure, have, mem ev-
erything but the eggs aud isn't that Biddy's
work?''
~ WONDER, said a Scotch maiden, what
my brother John sees in the lasses that he
likes them sac well for my part / wad nae
gle the company O. one lad for twenty
lasses."
A FEMALE school teacher, in her adyer-
tisement, stated that she was complete mis-
tress of her own tongue "If that's the
case, said a caustic old bachelor, "she can't
ask too much for her services"
"WHEy WAS ROME BUlLr2'' inquireda school
inspector. 'In the night, sir" was the rea-
| dy reply. sIn the night" said he, chow do
you make that out?" "Why, sir, you know
Rome wasn't built in a day"
COVENTRY PATNoRE gives the following
advice;
$50 let no man, in desperate mood,
Wed a duh girl, because she's good.
To which one might add:
'And let no woman, in her plight
Wed a bad man because he's bright"
-
WEDDERBURN once asked Sheridan how he
had got rid Of his Irish brogue, as he wished
to get rid of his Scotch accent ''My dear
fellow, said Sheridan, "don't attempt such
a thing. The House listens to you now, be-
cause they don't understand you; but if you
become ineligible, they viii be able to take
your measure
AS the afternoon way train was coming
from Baltimore, recently, the brakesman,
calling the names of way stations, shouted
out in explosive tones, 'Jessup's Cut''
"Was he hurt much?'' inquired demure-
looking passenger; whereupon there was a
general laugh, and the brakosman, opening
another car, called out, in a lower key, 'Jes-
sup Cut
DlDN'r you tell me you could hold the
plough?'' said farmer to an Irishman he
had taken on trial. ''Be aisy, now" said
Pat; chow could / hould it an two horses
pullin' it away? Just stop the craytures and
I'll hould it for ye.'
A CLERGYMAN gave the following toast that
was not very gallant, at a late firemen's cele-
bration; ''0ur fire engines-may they be like
! old maids-ever ready, but never wanted. 3"
A YOUNG man called at the City Clerks Of
| fee a day or two since, and asked for a
'death warrant The astonished clerk as
sured him that he dealt in no such docu-
ments. 'Wel, said the fellow, ''give us a
marriage certificate, it amounts to the same
thing" We hope that youth will catch a
Tartar.
A FARMER wrote as follows to a distinguish
ed scientific agriculturist, to whom he felt
under obligations for introducing variety of
swine; Respected sir-I went yesterday to
the cattle show, found several pigs of your
| species. There was great variety of hogs,
and l was astonished at not seeing you
there"
An FRESHMAN called on lady and gentle
man, in whose employ he was, for the purpose
of getting some tea and tobacco.
81 had drame last night, yer honor, said
he to the gentleman.
"What is it, Pat?''
"Why, drained that yer honor made me
a present of plug of tobaccy, and her lady
ship there-Heaven bless her-gave me some
tay for the good wife"
"Ah, Pat, dreams 60 by contraries, you
know, said the gentleman.
"Faith, and they may that" said Pat, $50
her ladyship is to give the tobaccy and his
honor the tay.
A PERSON having an ass to go by train from
North Shields, sent it to the goods station
for Newcastle. The porters were placing it
in van, when fop asked what they charg-
ed for taking the animal2
"Ninepence, sir, ~ was the reply.
And pray, my good fellow, what do you