Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-01-11
9nAtor0ns.
wuv !. . lady Of fashion like a successful

WHAT is handsomer and higher when the
head is off? A pillow
WBY is a billiard player ike thief in
crowd ? Because he aims for the pockets
WY is a dogs tail great novelty Be
cause no one ever saw lit before.
II you doubt whether to kiss pretty girl,
give her the benefit of the doubt and go in.s ]
He who stands by the right can afford to
have the devil laugh at him.
''Do you like novels p asked Miss Fitzer-
gald Of her back woods lover. II can't say
l never ate any ; but 'm death on possum. "
A crusty old bachelor says the talk Of wo-
men is usually about men. Even their laugh
is but ''he he -
WHEN upright men die, they are supposed
to go rightup. Per contra, downright ras-
Gals are supposd to go right do1cn.
ARrENus WARD says "Let us be happy
and live within our means, even if we have
to borrow money to do it with. +"
GENTLEMEN, don't part yonr hair behind,
for hair parted in that way reveals soft
place in the head.
PuEcH says woman first resorted to tight
laeing to prove to men how well they could
bear squeezing.
WHY are base ball players the greatest
towards Because they strike then run for
home.
81 know every rock on the coast cried
an Irish pilot. AT that moment the ship
struck, when he exclaimed, "and that's one
of them"
Thirteen objections were once given by
young lady for declining match the first
twelve being the suitor's twelve children, and
the thirteenth the suitor himself.
AN advertisement offers ''mininers feath-
ers for sale. The milliners from whom
these feathers were plucked must have been
little dncks.
SMOKEY says: 'The prettiest sewing ma
chine in the world is about seventeen years
old, with short sleeves, low neck dress, and
gaiter boots on"
'DoEs the razor take hold wen p inquired
a barber who was shaving gentleman from
the country. EYES," replied the customer
with tears in his eyes, ''it takes hold first rate
but it don't let go worth a cent.
WHEN Sheridan taught school, he had in
one class boy who always read patridges
for patriarchs. 'Stop," exclaimed Sheridan
''You shall not make game ofthe patriarchs2
"HAvE the jury agreed?" asked judge of
a court attache, whom he met upon the
stairs with bucket in his hand. eyes. re-
piled Patrick, they have agreed to send out
for half gallon.
A GENTLEMAN was one day in the old
coaching times, travelling By a coach which
moved at very slow pace. Pray, said he
to the guard, what is the name ofthis coach?'
The Regulator was the reply. And
a very appropriate name too" said the tray-
eler, for l see all other coaches go by it,
Ar recent railroad dinner, in compliment
to tho fraternity, the toast was given can
honest lawyer, the noblest work of God"
But an old farmer in the back part Of the
house rather spoiled the effect by adding in
loud voice, "and about the scareest.'
A DUTCHMAE out west lately married a sec
ond wife, week after the loss of wife No. /.
The Sabbath following, the bride asked her
lord to take her riding, and was "eut up
with the following response ''You tink l
ride out nit anoder woman so soon after the
death of mine frau No, no.
ARTEMUs WARD says "Some kind per.
son has sent me Chawcer POEMS. Mr.. {.
had talent but he couldn't spell. No man
has right to be a Ite'ray man onless he
knows how to spell. 1t is pity that Chawcer
who he'd genyus, was so unedieated. He is
the wuss speller know Of.
A New York correspondent of a Boston
| paper writes that merchant who failed
twice in fifteen years, was forced to sell his
wife's wardrobe to procure the necessaries Of
life, has just retired from business worth a
fortune of FIVE hundred thousand dollars.
Never say die
| BRIGHAM YoUxG is luxuriatisg in the hon.
eymoon of his forty-ffth bride, a beautiful
Danish girl of seventeen. He recently lost
his twenty-fourth wife, who was buried with
out any ceremony, or even notice Of her
death. The Salt Lakers don't ''go'' much on
funerals, but they are some on weddings.
A MERCHANT of Lyons, France, lately hay
ing occasion to visit Paris and being anxious
to let his spouse know of his intention to re-
turn home, telegraphed to her in writing,
saying Expect to see me at noon.-O.
| faulsone." This was sent By porter, and
received by his wife thus expect to see
me no more. o False One" The lady's
state of mind may be better imagined than
described.
JOHN VAN BUREY once won a suit, at which
the opposite party was so much enraged that
be declared that whenever he met "Prince
John" he would pitch into him. They en-
| eountered each other at an oyster counter.
The man at once addressed him "Mr. Van
Buren, is there cause or an individual so
| infamous that your services cannot be obtain
ed ?'' II cannot say" said John swallowing
another oyster, and stopping over he asked
in an undertone that everybody could hear .
"What have you been doingq
An Irish stranger, slightly the worse for
whiskey, got tangled in political controyer-
sy, in saloon in Trenton, one day last week.
He advocated Democracy" with the same
yolubility of a skeleton. His antagonist