Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-10-11

0ne-tourtn column. 400 2000 $500
Half coiufan.a.......... 1900 $500 IS 90
one column 80. ....,.... 3o.eO 45oo So.oO
MAKE the heart right, and the man will
be right, the woman viii be right, the child
will be right; make the men, women and
children right, and the name viii be right;
make the homes right, and the town and
city will be right; make the towns and the
cities right, and the States win be right, and
the nation viii be right; make the nations
right, and the world win be right.
-
a GENTLEMAN called to see a tenement
that was to be let. 1t was shown to him by
a pretty, chatty moman, whose manners
charmed her visitor. Are you to be let,
too2 inquired he, with languishing look.
Yes, " said she; II am; I'm to be let
alone.
A BosToN wit, defining the difference
between an accident and misfortune, saws.
IF Andrew johnson should fall into the
Potomac river, it would be an accident.
ANDY j. don't ike water and if he should
ever get out again, that would be a nisfor-
tune.
A LADY fellinto a river, and poor boy
rescued her. When she was safe, her hus-
band handed the brave fellow shilling.
Upon some Of the bystanders expressing in
dignation, the latter said, as he pocketed
the coin, "Well, may hap if hadn't saved
her. he d have given me a sovereign
BEAR AND FORBEAR If we would have
life move on smoothly, we must learn to
bear aud forbear. We must indulge the
friend We love in the little peculiarities of
saying and doing things which may be impor-
tant to him, but of little moment to us.
Like children, we must suffer each one to
build his playhouse in his own way, and not
quarrel with him, because he does not think
our way the best.
CoLERIDGE was descanting, in the pres
enco Of Charles Lamb upon the repulsiye
appearance Of the oyster. at isn't hand
some, Coleridge, said Lamb; "but it has
the advantage Of you in one thing"
"What Is thst?' queried Coleridgs. who as
every body knows, was an exhaustless talker.
1T knows when to shut its mouth, was
the reply.
A HIcEEEISG pair of Quakers were lately
heard in high controversy, the husband ex-
claiming, II am determined to have oae quiet
week with thee!n But how wilt thou be able
to get it?' said the taunting spouse, in ''reit'
eraiion," which married ladies so provok-
iDgly indulge in. II viii keep thee week
after thou art dead, " was the Quaker rejoin,
der.
WHAr is the difference between rifeman
who shoots wide Of the target, and husband
who IIoel.v.y his wire eyes? The one miss
es his mark and the other marks his missis
IT is singular fact that ladies who know
how to preserve everything else, can't pre-
serve their tempers. Yet 1t may easily be
done on the selfsealing principal. 1t is only
to keep the mouth Of the Uessel tightly closed.
--~@ z~-s--
'sP4rRIcK, how long has it been since you
left Ireland ~ Eighteen months, my Lord;
| but I've been there twice since"
FooTE expressed the belief that certain
miser would take the beam out Of his own
eye, if he knew where he could sell the tim
Der.
QUuP thinks it rather remarkable that while
several thousand feet are required to make
one rood, single foot properly applied, is
often sufficient to make one civil.
''rLL teach you to play pitch and toss! I'll
fog you for an hour, wlll.'' ''F0thor,u in
stautly replied the incorrigible, as he balanc-
ed penny on his thumb and finger, 'tI'll toss
with YOU to make il two hours OF nothing"
INITIATE the example of the locomotive.
He runs along, whistles over his work, aud
yet never takes anything but water when he
wants to ''wet his whistle
II HAVE the best wife in the world" said
long suffering husband ''she always strikes
me with the soft end of the broom.@
AN Irishman applying for relief being told
to work for his living, replied, "If ! had all
the work in the world, could Mt do it,
GAM not little pale?" inquired lady
who was short and corpulent, of crusty old
bachelor. ''You look more like a big tub p
was the blunt reply.
II won't do to be so devoted to q tender
hearted wife as to comply with her request
when she asks you-''Now tumble over the
cradle and break your neck, my dear, won't
you?"
A gentleman met another in the street who
was i'll Of fconsumption, and aeosted hin. thus: