The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1867-07-11
Josh Billings.

Joshua Billings, Esq, has turned up in
the Ne,o York Weekly with the following
monographs D.:
The Jealous Dan il alwuz hunting.
He il alwuz hunting for sumthing that
he don't expeckt tew innd, and after he haz
found it, then he il mad bekause he haz.
Theze fellers don't beleav in spooks, and
yet they are about the only folks who ever
see emmy. 4 jealous man liz alwuz happy
list in proporshun ez he is miZerablc.
Jelosy IL diseaze, and it il good deal
like sea-sickness- dredful sick and kant
vomit.
The anonymous Nan boards at g red
tavern, and pays for biz board bi tending
bar occasionally. He haint got emmy more
karakter than the jack w spades haz when
it amt trumps.
Heiz a.loafer bi profcsshun, without emmy
vices.
He rides on the box once in while with
the driver, and nobody thinks ov asking
for his stage fare.
He sprung from respectable family !;
hiz great grandfather WIS justiss ov the
peace; but he haz not got vanity enuff teW
brag on it.
He amt necessarily phool, emmy more
than bull's-eye watch IL if emmy boldly
will wind him up, he will sett still and run
quietly down.
The Stiff Nan looks down when he walks
upon folks. He don't seem tcw hav but
one timber jintc in him, and that IL located
in hiz noze.
He il kind of masculine turkey on pa
rade in barn-yard.
Heiz generally loaded with wisdum clear
up tew the muzzell, and when he goes oph,
makes a noizc like cannon, but don't dew
emmy dammage.
have seen him fire into q crowd and
miss evry man.
tew hattcr. They seem tew know they
amt entitled to good article, and there
fore are satisfied with very hard soap.
There amt but tn men who git stiff on
what they acktually know, but most aul
ov them git stiff on what they acktually
feel.
Stiff men ere called aristokrats, but this
amt so. There amt no such thing as
aristokrats in this country.
The country amt long enuff yet, unless
man has got some Indian in him.
Az q central thing, stiff men git mad
dredful easy, and hav tew git over it dred-
full easy, bckause folks amt apt few git a
big skare at what they amt afraid ov.
Stiff nan had grandfather once who
went tcw Congress from our distrikt, and
thare amt one in the whole family that
hav been able tew git timber sinse.
The Model Nan never dsturbs hen
when she is setting; never speaks cross
tew lost dorg; alwuz puts tive-cen
shinplaster in hiz vest pocket late Satur-
day night tew have it ready Sunday morn
ing for the church platter; riZes whenever
lady enters the street kars; remember
yure uncle plainly, and asks after awl the
family. If he steps on kat's tail, is sure
to do it light, and Immediately asks her
pardon: reads the Phmny Phello,rs and
laifs bckauze he kant help it; hooks up
his wifc's dress and plays boss with the
children. Never NEEDLES with the cream
in the milk pans goes eazily oy errands,
and Gums back in scazon; attends evry
boddy's phuneral kan alwuz tell when
the moon changes thinks just az yu do,
follows cvry boddy's advice but his own
praktices most ov the virtews without
knowing it !; leads the life ov shorn lamp !;
gifts sick after while, and dies az soon az
he kan to save making emmy further trub-
BILE.
The model mans vices are not feared,
nor his virtews respekted. He lives in the
memory ov the world just about az long az
a pleasant day duz.
He may be called "clever feller," and
that IL only libel; but he will git hiz re-
ward hereafter-when the birds git theirs.