Buchanan County bulletin and guardian. (Independence, Iowa) 1866-1869, 1867-12-27
a Curtain Lecture Concerning ska.


"Oh, 60 to sleep, you old fool"
Mr.. Twain, am surprised and gricsed
to"
Don't interrupt me, woman tell you
it's absurd--you learn to skate. Youth be
wanting to play fairs iu the Black Crook
next. tell you skating is an accomplish
nent suited only 10 youth ard grace and
comliness Of face and symmetry Of figure.
Nothing is SO charming as to see beautiful
girl in the coqueiish costume Of the rihks.
with cheeks rosy with exertion. and eyes
bean ing with excitement, skimming tie ice
like birl-and swooping down upon q
group of gentlemen, and pretending she
can't stop herself, and landing in the arms
Of the very Young man her father don't ak
low her to kBow-and dayting away again
and falling on her head and exposing herself
exposing herself TO remarks about her
her carelessness, Madam. hold your tons
que and always taking care to fall when
that young man is close BY to pick her up
Il is charming. They look pretty and IN
tsresiiar, too. when they are Just learning
when they stand still 4 long time in one
place. aud then start one foot out gingetly.
and it makes break for the other siie Of
The pond aud leaves the balance of the girl
sfrawliag on this side. But you. You look
fit and awkward and dismal enough any
Tine but when you are on skates sou wad>
die of as stutfy aud stupid and wngainly as
. buzzard that's Tad half hcrse for dinner.
l won't. have it Madam Aud you get under
little prccarious headway and then you put
your feet together and drilf alcng, stoopiDk
your head and shoulders and holdiug yoor
arms out ike voa expected chuvch waxxo.
ing to fall on yon; itaggraYates The re out
OF mel And faesday, whetRi was ass
enoughsts get on skates myself and kicked
the Irish Giants eye out the sfst dash, and
lit on my head and tracked the ice so that
il looked ike the ss..s-~ith all its raya had
drnrrrsa where srse';, End they fined re
mag tsvo Galars { fui1iar The mas pa.li.
was terrified with the convialcn that / had
gene Though u tie inside Of Tie world. bel
c ese | saw the parallels Of latitude clim>
uiering all around me; aud wha. was it hu,
yeu in yaar askwar1ness, fetching rp over
me With sour reniounded filters on = You We
got 70 discard those things. | can't stand
tie pewrent, aud | WON'T
Mr.. Twain. am sure
Hold your chatter. tell you. you shant |
bring ollum upon the family by your dis
graceful attempts to skate sprawling around |
with your big feet like a COW plomiag her |
way dewn h.ll N slippery weather. Mag be
ven would at be SO handy about displaying
those feet OF yours if yeu knew what occurs
red when | took your shoes down to get
them mendea.H
..What was II? Tell me what it was
tell me wha, j, was this minu.ei l just
know its one of your lies T.
"oh don't mind it amt Of any conse-
aGence go to sleep"
!" But it is Of consequence! You've 60;
to tell me; you shant argravate me this
war won't go to sleep till know what it
was, tell yon.n
''0h j, wasn't anything
q Mr.. Twain. know better You're lust
iuing this to try to drive me 10 distraction /
What did that horrid shoemaker say abou,
nv shoe? What lii he do2 Saw. quick F.
"well, il you must know, he--.e--Aow>
ever, its of no consequence"
"Mr. Twain.
"Wcll, ho--he took it and razed upon i.
a long time in silence. and put his handker-
chief 10 his eyes aud bnrs, into tears
Why. yoa bonn fool. Twain, are YOU
going stark. staring crazy p
: lie just steoa there aud wept as il his
hear, woald hreAk. poor devil. There, now
e;s 90 Il sleep
Sleep, voR lanatic, III never close my
eyes til know what that idiot was eryiig
sheut-and you won't either. can tell you
hat. Come
" Oh it don't natter
"Mr. Twain, il you say .ha. again, | say
Ill make You sorry for il; wha, was that
crying about -
"well, he-he-''
SWELL. he "0at with i, 10 you wan,
ne toto Twain. I'll snatch them ret
'rincos eff ill the sides of your head is as
aald as the top Of II T.
"Well, he-poor fellow ,---he said he do
ed on his grandmo'her- fairly dotted on her
She bad narsed him. ven know. because his
mother was always feeble and So
"Out with il, you ell idiotl'
"Well, he cane to this country fifteen
1ears ago, and first he Sc, up in the vegeta>
ole. line, aud cot along pretty well, aud was
about to send TO England for tie old lady.
shea hard times came and he got broke.
He went into fruit then. and after ,ha, into
ali sorts Of things, Yen know
1ut he &c, disappointed every time ill this
present business etched him out at last. all
hight, and he sent flgAi on tor the old wo>
nan. She landed he-e four weeks ago, bat
lied the very same night. Il was hard, very
lard, after all his waiting and teiling for
ifteen years, TO &c, her over here at last and
nave her die on his hands. He--he--well
ae was disgusted. However. he laid her out
md he and his friends sa, up with her. and
,v the memory ot her virtues seficned his
bitterness and ;arned il to tender griaf-a
'e,,led melancholy hung about his spir>
Is like pail for many days. However, BY
patiently striving 10 keep sad thoughts gu,
If his mind. he was finally beginning to re.
gain some little Of his OLD time cheerfalness.
when your shoe reminded him so painfully
,fhis poor sainted grandmothers coi'in--
Take that, you brute and if yeu dare
% come back h,re I'll Kick YOU out again
You degraded old r,ithan y
MARX TWAIN.