The south-western. [volume] (Shreveport, La.) 1852-1870, 1867-01-23
Cham / III 3g.

ChanbeInaias
From the New York Weekly ker5aE-I
Against all cbambernaids, Of whatsoever
age or nationality. launch the curse Of Bach
elor3om
Because:
They always pus the pillows at the opposite
end Of the bed from the gas burner, NO that
while you read and smoke before sleeping las
is the ancient and boaorcd custom OF bachel-
orsl you have to hold your book aloft, in fiji
uncomfortable position, to keep the light from
dazzling your eyes.
When they find the pillows removed to the
other end Of the bed in the morning, they re-
ceive not the suggestions in friendly spirit,
but g}orying in their absolute sovereignty, and
implying your heIpessness, they make the
bed just as it was originally, and gloat in secret
over the pang their tyranny viii cause you.
Always after that, when they find you have
tran$posed the pillows. they undo your work,
and thus defy you and seek to embiltcr the
life that God hath given YOU.
If they cannot get the i5ht in an ncon'e-
nIent position any other way, they move the
bed
II you pull your trunk six inches from the
wall SO that The lid will stay up when you open
it, they always shove that trunk back again.
They do it on purpose.
Il you want The SPittoon in n certain spot,
where it will be handy, they don't. And so
they move it.
They always put your other boots into mac
cessibIc places. They chiefly enjoy Gepositing
them as far under the bed as the wall will per
nit 1t is because this compels YOU to get
down in an undgnifed attitude and make wild
sweeps for them in the dark with the booiack
and swear.
They always put the match box in some
other place. They hunt up a new place for it
every day, and put bottle or other peIishab!e
glass thing, where the box stood before. This
is to cause you to break that glass thing,
grouping in the dark, and get yourself into
trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the fur
niture. When you come in, in the night, sou
can calculate on finding the bureau where the
wardrobe was in the morning. And when
you 60 out in the morning, if you leave the
sIop bucket by the door and the roc king chair
by the window, when you come in at midnight
or thercabouts, YOU will fall over that rocking
chair, and you will proceed toward the win
dow and sit down in that sop-tub This will
disgust you. They like that.
No matter where you put anything. they
are not going to let it stay there. They will
take it and move it the first chance they get.
1t is their nature. And besides, it gives them
pleasure TO be mean and contrary this way.
They would die il they couldn't be Villains
They always save up all the old scraps of
printed rubbish YOU throw on the floor, and
stack them carefully on the table, and then
start the fire with your valuable manuscripts
If there is any one particular old scrap tina!
YOU are more down on than any other, and
which you are gradually wearing your life ont
trying to get rid OF, YOU may take all The pains
You possibly can in tn direction, but it won't
be of any use. because they will always fetch
that old scrap back and put it in the same old
place again every time. It does them good.
And hey use up more hairoii than any SIX
men. If charged with Purloininy the same,
they lie about it, What DO they care about a
hereafter? Absolutely nothing
If you leave your key in the door for con-
vcnience sake, they will carry it down 10 the
Office and give it to the clerk They do this
under the vile preense of trying to project
your property from thieves but actually they
do it because they want to make you tramp
back down stairs after it when YOU come home
tired, Or put you TO the trouble of sending a
waiter for it, which waiter will expect you to
pay him something. In which case suppose
the degraded creatures divide.
THEY keep always coming to make your bed
before you get up, thus destroying your rest
and jntljctjny agony upon you-bu after You
get up they don't come any more I'll next day.
They do all the mean things they Can think
~ 2
ness and nothing else.
Chambcrmaids are dead to every human
instinct.
l have cussed them in behalf Of outraged
bachclordom. They deserve it. If l can get
a bill through the Legislature abolishiny cham
bermaids, | mean to do it.
MARK TWAIN.
San Frannisco, November II, 1866.