Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-03-15
9lNuorQn8.

QUEER thing is an insurance policy If !
can't sell it, can eel it, and if I cancel it,
can't sell it.
The latest Yankee invention, is an umbrel
la with gutter around the edge aud spout
at one corner.
The man who courts young lady in the
starlight, probably expects to get a wife in q
twinkling.
STUART, the celebrated portrait painter,
once met lady in the street, in Boston, who
saluted him with, "Ah, Mr. Stuart have just
seen your miniature, and kissed it because il
was so much like you. "And did it kiss
you in return ?" "Why no. "Then, said
Stuart, 1T was not like me.
''Now papa, what's ahumbug?' said lit
tie four year old Johny.
"Hi replied papa, ''when mamma pre-
tends to be very fond of me and puts no but
tons on my under garments.
AN Irishman remarked to his companion,
on observing a lady pass, 'Pat, did you ever
see so thin a woman as that ~ "Thin, re,
Piled the other; "botheration, I've seen a
woman as thin as two of her put together 1
have"
''JoB printing!" exclaimed an old woman
the other day, as she peeped over her specta-
cles at the advertising page of a country pa.
per. ''Poor Job they've kept him printing,
week after week, ever since first larnt to
read, and if he wasn't the most patientest
man that ever was, he never could have stood
it so long nohow."
ONE or DoDG's STORIES. Doctor Lord
formerly of Boston has been a resident Of the
West for about six years. During his first
year, he was extensively engaged in buying
wool, and, on one occasion becoming a little
bewiIdered with the multiplicity of crooked
roads over the broad prairies, he rode up to a
small cabin, enclosed in a clump of locust
trees, and hailed white headed boy, perched
upon the top of hen coop, with
"HaIlo, boy -
~ reckon you are a stranger ?" was the re-
sponse.
Look here, sonny"
Il amt your sonny"
''No, you amt my sonny, but if wen jump
down and come here, I'll give you a dime.
The boy sprang as if alighting from
wasp's nest, and coming up to the stranger,
exclaimed
"Well, old hoss, what is it?''
II have lost my way, and don know where
am. Can't you tell me?
ayes. You are sitting on that hoss
Mr.. Lord laughed at the boys wit. and
handed him the dime.
The boy took the money, and looked upon
it with mingled feelings of wonder and de-
light, and said
II reckon You must have a power Of mon
ey."
''Why so?"
cause you slather it away So"
whats your fathers name?n inquired
Mr.. Lord.
"Bill jerks, was the reply.
"Ah, yes. know him" exclaimed Mr.
Lord. "IIe grows wool don't he ~
"No, but his sheep duz,
'If you knew me, my lad, you would be
more respectful in your replies. am friend
of your father. Ny name is Lord"
''Oh, yes = exclaimed the astonished and
delighted lad. ~ have heard pap read about
you in the Bible" and started for the house
on dead run, be bawled out at the top Of his
voice "Mother, mother, the Lord is out
here on horseback, and has lost his way
MODERN DIcTToEARY.
Water-A clear fluid, once used drink.
Homes ty-An excellent joke.
Rural Felicity-Potatoes and turnips
Tongue-A little horse that is continually
running away.
Dentist-One who finds work for his own
teeth by taking out those Of other people.
Ny Dear-An expression used by man and
wife at the commencement of a quarrel.
Policeman-A man employed by the corpo.
ration to sleep in the open air.
( Bargain-A ludcrous transaction, in which
each party thinks he cheated the other
DoctOr-A man who kills you to-day to save
you from dying tomorrow.
Author-A dealer in words, who often gets
paid in his own coin.
Friend-A person who will not assist you
before he knows your love will excuse him.
Editor-A poor wretch who emties his brain
in order to fill his stomach.
Wealth-The most respectable quality Of
men.
Bonnet-The female head dress for the
front seats Of the opera.
Esquire Everything, yet nobody, equal to
| Colonel.
| Jury-Twelve prisoners in a box to try one
| or more at the bar.
| States Evidence-A wretch who is pardon
ed for being baser than his comrades.
Public Abuse-The mud with which every
traveller is spattered on the road to destruc-
ton.
Modesty-A beautiful flower that aourshes
in secret places:
Lawyer-A learned gentleman who secures
your estate from your enemy and keeps it
himself
Grave-An ugly hole in the ground which
lovers and poets wish they were in, but take
uncommon means to keep out Of
Money-The god Of the nineteenth century.