Smyrna times., 1867-09-18
NJ | S G. E l. l. A n EO U s.
Written for the "Smyrna Times"
A WORD OR TWO ABOUT OLD MAIDS.

A hearty laugh is very good thing and |
enjoyed one recently over a piece which ap
peared in the Smyrna Times, headed, How
an old maid goes to bed
The piece is funny, notwithstanding it is a
transparent humbug throughout. In the first
place, no fun loving damse" had anything
to do with it, for the article is thoroughly man
nish from the beginning to the end. Now, just
listen, and l will prove it.
We will begin at the beginning and go regu-
larly through; and then [ will say to the wri-
ter, Go to the old Maid, thou scribbler, con-
slider her ways and be wise" To begin the
old maid does not go to her chamber at twelve
Having no naughty husband to sit up for, nor
restless little ones to keep her awake, ten
o'clock is late hour for her.
! Certdinly-"s she bolts and locks the door,
| looks under the bed etc, any lone woman
would, married or single. And SO would man,
if he was a woman.
| Indeed, know a man ~ who always looks
under the bed before retiring and who, if he
hears an unusual noise during the night, inva-
riabIy shakes his wife awake and asks her why
the devil she don't go and see what is the mat
ter. Who, one night, when there was a row
among the chickens, went creeping down be-
hind his wife, shiveringly suggesting that it
might be man, who might shoot, and who, as
a weasel ran across his foot, skipped nmbly
around the house in his sacred with all due
reverence, be it spoken shirt tail, and left his
wife to battle for the puliets And this man
~ will make quite as much fun of woman $
lack of courage as the rest Of his sex. How
ever, the old maid loosens her dress, and then
takes off her shoes, hey?
Then she unlaces her garters. | have seen
garters fastened in more ways than one, but
believe never saw one laced up. But l have
heard man speak of a dress trimmed with
ribbon, as calico, bound round with lace, -
and not long ago | heard a man tell his wife
that he was tired of looking at certain dress
OF buff delaine she wore that he wished she
would cut 1t up, and make cape of it. | was
amused at her answer too. well, my dear, -
said she quietly you would see more of il
then than you do now, for | should want tC
wear the stylish garment wherever went
,, Then who ever heard of an old maid who
: hadn't more regard for her health not to speak
of mOdesty, than to walk about her chamber
1 floor with bare feet? A man may do it. Ir
fact, believe he is obliged to. But a mar
may also walk about on his head perhaps
, does do so occasionally; but an old mait
I never removes her shoes and stockings unit
after she says her prayers the last thing be
d fore turning down her lamp. Then the shoe
4 are set together under the edge Of the bed anc
the stockings neatly rolled up and laid hesid'
them The taking down of the hair alway
comes just before the removal of the shoes
That is another man mistake.
s As to the false hair even young girls wea
that when they choose, and if women will gilc
p refined gold occasionally, whose business is it
L Young men dye their monstaehes, and olt
Il bachelors wear wigs and false teeth, and boil
e would wear all the rest that this writer accuse
d the old maid of taking off, only that they ar
a naturally so vain that they think it would onl
ID be adding perfume to the violet, smoothn
| :. % al, -
e Lastly the many strings and buttons are un
l. loosened, and, after the expiration Of anothe
five minutes, she drops her outer self upon tn
floor in white circles and steps forth, etc -
Wrong again, Mr.. Writer. Each garment
taken off separately, neatly shaken or brushed
to and carefully folded or hung up. There is
Us little box for the hair-pins, another for tn
p. head-dre another for the collar, etc., an
~ another with little cotton in it for the breas
pin. These little boxes each have place. an
e everything is in its place that belongs to tn
!. old maid before she goes to her dreams, or sh
ad could no more sleep than if she knew ther
was man under the bed.
Old maids nl1y wear false fixins," but
is seldom that they do for as a general thinl
!. they are as plump and comely as their MOI
u favorable sisters who have husband and twel
" ty.fve children to look after. And if tho oil
40 maid does pad little, it is with no intentO
u
tn fellows from comparing her to a pancake
ls or drawn herring.
ct But the best COAX" of all is, the old mai
to going to the mirror and taking long look
Us lis herself Just before she " hops into bed" A
"a if anu woman, little bit homely or jade,
ed would glance toward looking glass with HI
u. ~ night cap on. .. ...
cn What an idea
ed AS if any woman, who was in the habit
ms wearing pIumpers, false teeth and hair, pa
9lr and all the rest,-the writer forgot the powd
pe and paint which would be indispensable to SUI
u.s. s. a made up creature, and these would have
II be removed with the rest of the falsities-as
rs any woman, say, who, habitually dressed
lie a skeleton for exhibition, would be so perfeC
III ly simple as to strip the skeleton of everyth
}g' that made it lovely and go to the mirror al
.pe take a long look at the hideOus picture the
lch presented. ~ ...- -. -
ore Why, thou clay Drained scribblerl The
IN. lies are like Falstaff' s, p" Gross as mountai
open, palpable |" ~. .fx.-
OK Besides all this, the old maid doesn't h
avs into bed. (She leaves this for the men to
ub- who always get ito bed precisely in the ms
tho car thot a how hurSte his hiUuast ho0'a hladf