Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1867-08-23

"A young lady who gives herself
away, loses her selfpossession
Which Is the business that would
"soot " everybody? Chimney sweeping.
WHY is an alarm of fire in the night
like clothes-brush? Because 1t spOils the nap.
WHY is monarch, who can't talk,
like his dominions? Because he is King dumb.
"A vice q la mode, says wise and
witty divine, will look virtue itself out of coun-
tenance.
How does a statue exposed to the
rain become diminished in size? Because it is a
statue-sUet (statuette).
Every bane has an antidote, it is said,
and New York illustrates the remark by putting
pain-k1ler stalls alongside the fruit stands.
Oh reading that the milk of an irri-
Ce1ed COW soon gets sour, Quilp remarked that his
landlady's COW must be In a continual passion
The model young man who invaria-
ply declines an invitation I" to take something
has so far overcome his scruples as to consent to
axe a vacation.
The Sultan has made Joke: Pass
ing the shop OF a well-known c0ifeur, where the
was hair em.-Puaach.
There is story told of an Indian,
VINO, having seen gentleman with wig and spec
tacles, exclaimed in amazement, 6 Him two scalp,
four eyes, by golyr'
"A thrifty wife wonders why the
tney not as we'll amuse themselves in smoking
hams as smoking cigars
An old lady, who was admiring the
beautiful picture called "Saved." It's no won
der" said she, that the poor child tainted after
pulling that great dog out of the water"
Tommy, my son." said fond
yod sna
can take care OF himself In the daytime"
Olympia Brown did not fascinate
an Omaha editor who calls her weather beat
en- cross grained, sour, snappish fanatical crab
bed, skinny, smoked-looking old beldame."
STRIKES.
A mechanic his labor will often discard,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes;
But a clock-and its case is uncOmmonly hard
Will continue to work though it strikes.
Holmes, among other good things
in the July instalment of his story, says that
&c Easy crying widows take new husbands soonest;
there is nothing like wet weather for transplant
ing"
"A fashionable but ignorant lady,
DESTROYS of purchasing watch, was shown o very
beautiful one, the shOpkeeper remarking that it
went thirty-six hours. ''What? IN one day?' she
asked.
"A professional beggar, some ten
years of ago, ignorant of the art of reading bought
public streets as "a poor widow with eight small
children"
-" Is anybody waiting on you, miss ?"
said polite dry goods clerk to "a young girl from
sci, " that's my Teller outside; he wouldn't come
il, the store.'
"A man, when asked why his portrait
was painted so forid replied, that while sitting for
the picture, near ared-hot stove, thermometer 125
above, he was requested to assume pleasant ex-
preston of countenanCe
A Delicate Hint-Sporting charac-
ter having hold Of savage bull. dog (persuasiye-
copper? I'm that knocked up, can 'ardly old
this ere dawg off yer legs"
Not long since, youth older in
wit than years. after being catechised concerning
the power of Nature, replied: MA think there
Is one thing nature can't do. She can't make Bill
Jones' mouth any bigger without setting his ears
back -
Under the head of Married" in
the Milford Journal, the editor says: None re-
ported-what's the matter with the boys" Per-
haps it's the girls, after all. AT least let them
share the responsibility, suggests the Providence
Journal.
---~ In certain burgh in West Virginia
there is an old darkey named Uncle AL, who after
getting remarkably happy upon one. occasion,
cried out, 80 Lord, raise the roof and let me go
right up to glory, and I'll pay for the damage to
the shingles.
A gentleman going to the waterside
to take boat, cried out: ''Who can swim?" 81,
MASTER" came from forty bawling mouths; but
one fellow, turning about, said " Sir, cannot
SWIM 'Then you are my man, for 700 will at
least take care of me for your own sake"
AT trial of divorce case, witness
recently in England made the following replies
Mr.. Sergeant IsndaJ-" He treated her very kindly,
did he notY'' A@inson-" oh, yes, very; he kissed
how did she treat him ?" AtkinSon-'' Well, she
retaliated."
AT fashionable dinper, gentleman
observed person who sat opposite use tooth.
pick which had just done the same service to his
he said - beg your pardo sir, but you are using
the powers, sir, do you think am not going to
return it?'
People say they shell peas when they
unshell them; that they husk corn when they uI.
husk it that they dust furniture when they undust
it, or take the dust from it that they skin cali
when they unskin it, and that they scale fish when
they unscale them. Many men say they are going
to weed their gardens, when their gardens are
weedy enough already.
An Irishman's friend having fallen
into slough the Irishman called loudly to another
for assistance, The latter, who was busly en-.
sup to his ankles. ~ Then there is plenty OF
time" mo, there's not. rejoined the first. II
The following notice indicates bad
spell as well as hot spell: NotSss-This ere plais
is klosed fur repairs onto the preacher. His voise
is gin eout, and we've sent him to Saratogy to re-
cooper it, onter fun pay. Sinners under konvicshun
is respectfully requested to adjourn to Saratopy
eff they haz the stamps. Eff not, to hold their
bosses to the fall term. Eff they konkude to die
in the meantime, eOur preacher will maik it awl
rite with 'em in the mex world.
The wits of Persia are telling good
story about the Shah of Persia. 1t appears that
the Shah rather pooh poohed proposal to intro
duce the telegraph into his realm and his consent
was by no mes ms hearty. When the line was COM
pleted, the Shah at his palace in Soultaneiah.
Prince Al-KOuli indited the first dispatch. 1t was
this 1.-THE melons are ripe at KasChan." In
stantly the possible uses of this invention of the
infidels flashed across the royal mind, and Ali
Kouli received this agreeable answer; II appoint
you Minister of the Sciences"
-" Whar," asked renowned stump
orator, who was running for the Office of constable,
whar my enlightened friends of the Sixty-sixth
militia district was Andrew jackson In the battle
of New Orleans? Wur he thar? He wur. He
wur ridin up an down ON bob-tailed Arabian,
a wavin' of a cracked sabre, up to the arm-pis in
blood and mud and givln' of the British thun-
de-; the genius of his country holdin' of her
egis over his head, cotton bales paneveering in
front to protect him from every danger, and the
American eagle, with the stars and stripes in its
beak, soarin' aloft in the blue empyrean, cryin'
Hail Columbian"
during the money panic at San
Francisco, poor Dutchman, who had a couple of
hundred dollars in Page, Bacon g. Co.'S, drew it
out, and after carrying 1t about an hour or two,
thinking Adams q Co. must be perfectly safe de-
posted it there; happening to hear some doubts
expressed about them an hour later he became
alarmed, and drew il out again. took it to Wright's
and opened bank account with him; he had not
gone ten yards from the door before he saw man
rushing to his Office looking wild. Poor sourkrout
thought the devil must be to pay there too, and
forthwith, drew check for his two hundred. He
continued to deposit and draw again at nearly