The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1867-12-28
Chips from "HUrpsr's weekly"

tmO1HfD ORR. By TIM SERIES EDI4ORS
ASSISTANT.
Chips from "Hsrper's Weekly"
A HoRsE (MARtEE) E)-The Walrus.
"Tell me, ye angelic hosts, ye messengers
of love, shall swinded printers here below
have no redress sbovef The shining angel
band replied, to us is knowledge given; de-
liDquents on the printers books can never
enter heaven"
The pompous epitaph of aclSse fsted citi-
zen closed with the following passage Of Scrip
ture Tile that giveth to the poor lendeth to
the Lord" 'Dat may be-" soliloquized
sambo, "but when dat man died dc Lord didn't
o'ce him a red cent P'
-"Ahl" said old Mrs. Doosenbury, Charming
is great thing; I've often felt the need of It'll
Why, would you believe it, Pm now sixty
years old, and only know the names of three
months in the year and them's spring, fall
and autumn larnt the names of them when
was little bit of girl 70
PASSAGE OF ARMS.
Hair-dresser.- -'IIair's very dry, Sir
Customer (who knows what's coming ).-',I
like it dry"
Hair-dresser CATER a while, again advancing
to the attack. "Head's very scurfy, Sir !"
Customer (still cautiously retiring).-
"Ya-as, prefer it scurfy."
hair-water this time.
THE SONG OF THE HORSE.
A poor old stage-horse, lank and thin,
Not much else than bones and skin,
jog along, week out, week in.
Kicked, and cursed, and ,ueaniv fed,
Jammed in the side and ierked by the head
And the .nlng can't at all make out
Is, what on earth it's all about.
Why was made to toll and tug
For this odd little human bug,
Two-legged, dumpy as a jug,
Who sits aloft my ribs to batter
Or why was he made, for that matter
And, if ] needs must be created,
Why is it that / was not fated
TO prance and curvet, finely mated,
Silver harnessed, sleek and fat
With groom and blanket and all that!
Here 60, day after day,
Pounding and slipping down Broadway,
Dragging these curious biped things,
With forelegs gone, and yet no wings
Where they all 60 to don't know,
Nor why in the world they hurry so,
Nor what good use Heaven puts them tot
1t wasn't my fault, you see, at all,
That my joints grew big, and my muscles
small,
And so l missed of rich mans stall.
Pm clumsy, crooked, stupid, slow,
Yet the meanest horse is horse, you know.
And his ribs can ache with kick or blow,
AS well as the glossiest nags that go.
o Lord, how long will they use me SO?
And when may the equine spirit go
Where glorified horses stand in a row,
Switching their bright tails to and fro,
| Careless of either wheel or whoa
| Where oats are always dprOpOS,
And flies don't grow
| o mol
A CITIZEN of Nantucket sold horse to
cavalry officer during the war, and warranted
him to be good war horse. The soldier came
back afterw ards in towering passion, ant
said he had been swindled.
GAS how % said the Nantucketer.
''Why there's no go in him, and yet you
warranted him good war-horse."
eyes, did; and by George, he is gooG
war-horse-he'd sooner die than run !"
THE LATEST CURIosITIBs.
A fence made from the railing of scoldine
wife.
A plate of butter from the "cream Of a
joke"
The small coins in ''the change of the moon
The original brush used in painting "th'
signs of the times.'
The latest contract with the ''Trade Winds ;
The chair in which the sun sets.
A garment for the naked eye.
The hammer which broke up the meeting.
Buckle to fasten laughing-stock.
The animal that drew the inference.
Egg from nest OF thieves.
A bucket of water from "All's well.'
Chips from Limbs OF the Law.
"A United States Judge is credited with th'
authorship of the following joke. He wa
recently trying case of alleged infringement
of patent. A bran-dusting machine wa
brought into the courtroom, that the juror
might see it at work. The Judge looked at i
a moment or two and then remarked:-''
hope counsel will not be guilty of throwing
dust in the eyes of the jury with tina
machine.'
MAYHEM.-The young gentlemen connecte,
with the Law School may find in the follOwin
a new definition of an important legal term
Out in Illinois Justice of the Peace wa
recently elected who is not particularly note
for legal attaiuments. Wishing to have
little fun, a friend asked him what he wOul
do were case of mayhem brought before hin
for trial. The "Squire'' looked little puz
zled at first, but soon began to look wise, an
said:-"I had ease of that kind when l wa
Squire before, so just ordered the fellow t
jail, and after staying there for week he wa
willing to marry the girl!' That, we suppose
is about the view Of it that would be take
by Judge Peirce.
A "LTTLR JOKER" IN CoURT.-In the goo
old times in Kentucky, when "substantis