Des Arc citizen., 1867-01-26
Directions for Husbands,

J tions- You can get drunk as often as you please, be guilty of robbery, assassination. battle, murder, sudden death and privy conspiracy, and make your wife believe, by means of single kiss, that you are one of the saints of the earth
 For those husbands who only apparent ly, not really, have mastered the hearts oi their wives, we lay down the following directions.
 If on your wedding nigh you failed to get drunk and break all your mother-in- laws crockery, do something equally out rageous as soon as possible. You will then always be able to scare your wife into sub mission by reminding her of what you had done, and what you may be provoked to do again.
 Ifyou are fond of smoking pipe, and your wife complains of your breath on ac- count of it, cut onions it will make her forget the pipe.
 If you have baby, groan as if your last hour had come, whenever 1t begins squalling in the night You will not then be called upon to walk it.
 As sick rooms are not pleasant, always have business that will keep you down town the whole day, and half the night, when your wife is sick.
 When you get home at four clock in tle morning, after fighting the tiger" or playing "game of draw" with your friends, tell your wife your business is getting so large that the labor of carrying it on is breaking your constitution, and you must take in d partner; but when she mentions that new dress, shake your head, and talk about economy and hard times
 If your wife is very religious, and fond of entertaining ministers, take advantage of the first opportunity to insult one of these gentleman in your own house. It can be done with perfect impunity, and will deter others from calling during meal hours, or any other time,
 If your circumstances are such that you find it necessary to practice economy, be- gin with your table, and dine every day at restaurant.
 There are certain little things that must be done daily by one or the other of the married couple. Impress upon your wife that the performance of these is very dis tasteful to you, and so force her to attend to the whole of them herself. Among these is the kindHng of the fire in the morning, if you have no servant. Lie in bed and let your wife do it. Also wait for her to pour out the water for you to wash, brush your clothes, and place your slippers by chair before the fire.
 When all is prepared, get out of bed and dress yourself, taking care not to show by word or look that you appreciate the little attentions that have been shown you But if you find that any of them have been overlooked, be very cross and fretful dur. ing the rest of the morning.
 When you are asked to go out to make an evening call, complain of a very bad headache. l-
 Make it point never to praise any dish ca the table, especially the one to which you know your wife has given her person al attention, Such course will suppress any lurking vanity there may be in hel nature.
 When you are in room together, al ways occupy the most comfortable seat after having offered it to her in such { way that she can't with any propriety, ac. cept it.
 Give her the choice of any dish You arc carving, after having repeatedly informed her what parts you yourself prefer.
 Keep her in perfect ignorance as to tho condition of your. business, although sht is as deeply interested in it as you are, and no injury can result to it by your telling her all about it. By keeping it to your self you have the satisfaction of feeling that you are superior to her, because you know what she does not.
 If from any cause you are detained a home, and find the time heave on you hands, it may be that your wife IS interest ed in novel that she is about througl with. Take it from her as if you wished merely to glance at it; sit down and reaC it by the hour She, in the meantime may amuse herself by sewing.
 If you do not keep carriage, and you \ wife tells you that she and the childrel need an airing, tell her to wait for tn death of her friends, when she may rid to the funeral free of cost.
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 gSz A writer dwelling upon the i'm portance of small things says, "that h. o-,ns1 r1f 1fY It