The evening Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1861-1871, 1867-02-06

Why can nothing good be said of the gouti
Because it is bad in toe-toe. ''.-
Why is Athens like worn out shoe Be.
cause it once had Solon
A Goldfish breakfast and India rubber coat
will keep man dry all day.
Why is newly married man like the, At
lantic cable? Because he has been spliced to
his Hearts Content ''-%s
Thad. Stevens calls his party "a pack Of
knaves," which explains his being at the
head of it.
A merchants advice in selecting a wife
was, 'get hold of piece of calico that will
rash"
Just think of it! A bribery fund used to
prosecute the President for high crimes and
| misdsmeanors.
The steady lights of heaven waver in the
water; some of the great lights of earth in
brandy and water.
Whenever our books bore us we can shut
| them up without offence. Can we do so
much with our friends?
A young physician, asking permission of
lady to kiss her, she replied: NO, sir, |
never like to have doctors bill thrust in my
face s5 eos ...-
When is train of ears in danger of run
ming over an old man with scythe in his
hand? When it is behind time.
A little boy at Sunday school being:asked,
what was the chief end of man? replied,
The end what's got the head on
with rvtf-niah1ed t2r.sarS that the streets of
lamp posts--Atbany Argus.
katy, have you laid the table cloth and
plates yet ?" "An' sure / have mem-every-
thing but the eggs; and isn't that Biddy s
work ?"
A Colorado woman eloped from her hus-
band and three ehilar~~ Aaains --ins"', to
injury she left note behind informing her
husband that none of the "childers' were
his
During the recent session of the equal
rights convention, strong minded female
entered crowded street-railroad car. An
old gent rose to give her seat, but asked,
BE YOU one of those women s-righterS?' Il
be- "You believe woman should have all
the rights of a mau?' Eyes, do "Then
stand up and enjoy them like a man." and
stand up she did.
I've got no hoops on this morning" OBJ
served Clara.
allow is it You don't sing, them" asked
cousin John.
what do you mean, stupidg
"Whv, if there are are no hoops, the slaves
| are liable to come out, you know"
In chemistry the best way to separate two
bodies is to Introduce a third The same
holds true in other departments. To in
| crease the distance between pair of lovers,
all that's required is to let little Willie walk
into the back parlor with lighted candle in
his hand.
A story is told of a good woman who Wis
tied the place in New York where it was
said chickens were Matched and reared with
out hens. She was shown some drawers
lined with cotton, where the eggs are kept
warm with artificial heat. Turning away
with great disgust, she exclaimed; rs that
ALL Matching chiehens ont of eqgs?" Who
could not hatch chickens out of eggs?"
A notice of race in Baton Rouge had the
following regulations appended: THE judi
ges will settle no squabbles between private
| parties. The fastest horse will win the race.
| Colored people will be removed from the
| track if they do not behave like white people.
| No fighting allowed until after the race, and
then not within six hundred yardsrof the
track. No liquor to be brought on the
ground, outside of the person carrying it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson has said many
good things, but seldom anything better
| than the following: 9There is one topic for
bid to all well-bred, to all rational mortals,
namely, their distempers. If you have not
slept, or if you have slept, if you have head
ache, or sciatca, or leprosy, or thunder
| stroke, ] beseech you, by all the ang els, hold
your peace, and not pollute the morning to
| which all the household brings pleasant
| thoughts, by cerruptons and groanse"
In certain Ladies' Moral Reform Socie-
| ty," existing not many miles from the bank
Of a certain river, the members were reauir-
ed to sign pledge not to set up" as it is
| termed, or do anything else that might be
| supposed to have a tendency, however re-
MOTE to immortality. One evening as the
president was calling over the names to
know whether each member had kept her
obligation, beautiful and highly respecta-
bic young lady burst into tears, and on being
questioned as to the cause, said she feared
| she had broken her pledge. 7is.s-- y. =. /
"Why, what have you done?' asked the
president. 4s T4 -eM ssGn Is
"Ohi" sobbed the young lady, "Dr.---
kissed me the other night when he waited on
me home from meeting
"Oh, well, that is nothing very bad" said
the president, "his kissing does not make it
that you have broken the pledge. f-,g,
''Oh! That isn't the worst sofit exclaimed
the conscientious young lsdy, Il kissed him
back again. 9 IS 'sl1 81 9 a.taa5Tes g7s.