The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1867-10-12
The Josh Billings Papers.

The Josh Billings Papers.
SUN VEGETABLE HISTORY.
The strawberry il Que ov natur's sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust
she makes, and never allows them to be sold ut
mean price. a
The euler ov the strawberry IL lin the set
ting sun under u thin cloud, with delicate dash
ov the rain DO in it: its fragrance IL like the
breath ov a baby when it first begins tew eat
wintergreen lossingers; its flavor IL like the mex
tar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew
leave in the bottom of her tumbler when Jupiter
stood treat on mount ida
There ez many breeds ov this delightful Veg
etable but not a mean one in the whole lot.
| think have stole them, laying around loose,
without emmy pedigree, in sumbodys tall grass,
| when waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful
easy, without any white sugar on them, and even
bug occasionally mixed with them in the hur-
ry ov the moment. Cherrys are good, but they
are too much like sucking marble with handle
tew it. Peaches are good, ii yu don't git emmy
| of the pin feathers into yure lips Watermelons
will suit emmy boldly who IL satisfied with half
sweetened drink; but the man what kan eat
Strawberries besprinkled with crushed shuggar,
and despatched with sweet kream lat sumboddy
else's expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz
stummuk and thank the author ov strawberrys
and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for
tho strawberrys, liz man with a WORKOUT con-
science-a man whose mouth tastes like hole
in the ground, that don't care what goes down
it.
Kokernutts grow up in the air, in hot eli
mate way over the ocean, about eighty feet from
the ground-on the top tree.
They are generally picked bi the monkeys in
that naborhood, who throw them at the natives,
in exchange for the stones that the natives heave
at the monkeys.
They grow az a negros head duz, with good
deal of skull tew them.
A kokernutt, after it has bin skalpt, resembles
an old ten-pin ball, only a little more round one
way than luther.
On the end ov the nut toward you is eyes,
fast asleep. The kokernutt IL opened bi break
ing the skull, and this brings em tew their
milk
The milkSin the kokernut haz never been ex-
planned yet-and the reason il, becauze nobody
has ever asked me to do it,
! Whenever the philosophers "give it up" l
shall reply to the konumdrum.
! Az artikle ov diet, the koker IL about on a
level with the trench raw turnip and liz az hard
tew digest one ov Secretary Stewards letters
| Ov State.
Billed koker might possibly be good if it warnt
CRATE deal better when it waZ raw !; and raw
kokernuts IL only good for children and young
greyhouDds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a
nutmeg crater. s7
The only real good thing about this forrin mutt
liz its skull, they can be cut into 2, and made in
| to drinking kups and i must confess they do
look kind, when laid on clean, fat ston bi the
side a meadow spring, but kant drink out
ov them miself without thinking, that if they
hadn't been cut in 2, what kapital thing they
would be tew bid a young darkey to. p, -
But this IL only phoolish noshun ov mine,
and probably it couldn't be did emmy how.
1t is now about or eleven years since folks
began tew banker after the Tomato About
that time sum doktor Nv pills dissekted one ov
| these vagrant vegetables, and discovered sum
doktor's stuff in them.
As soon az folks found out they was fisick they
begun tew be very sweet on the tomarter.
At that time they waz in the habit ov grow
lug in sly places, WHARF they want afraid, over
behind stone walls, among broken jugs, ded rats,
and old injun rubber boots, for people woulnd't
let them grow in Yardins emmy more than they
would kanaday thissel
They were vagabond weeds, and even woods
hogg wouldn't eat one ov the berrys that grew
on them emmy quicker than he would bawl of
red stocking yarn.
But il waz decided that there waz sum pills
in them, and they were put tew muss in pots
and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in
hot houses along side ov tiger ilys and roses Of
Sharon.
It took most folks about 10 months ov perse-
verance and sea sickness tew git the tomatoze to
20 quietly down, and now, from vile weed,
more smelly than o deceased klam, the tomatow
haz sktually got to be more honorabsl than
bukwheat slappjack or even pumpkin pi.
This ShOyA what love and affeckshun will
do.
| haven't emmy doubt that if Professor Rats.
bane would say professionally that wasps' nests
war coed to make a mustach grow black, half
the men in the country would git wasp and
70 into the nest bizness.
| don't beleave tomater will keep man
| emmy more healthy than red clover will, but i
am just like evrybody else, wanted to get sum
better than waz, and went to 'skool to the to-
msto, and hav got learnt how tew eat them if
they are filled with salt and pepper and soaked
with good slider vinegar
have seen folks pick them off from the vines
in the gardin and eat them right down alive, /
would AZ soon undertake tew eat handful ov
putty.
But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up into a
necessary, and am the last man to injure their
reputashun, for J. beeave an innocent humbugc
IL just AZ much right tew win If they kan,) as
! any other man.
Thare IL one thing do hope, and that IL that
nobody viii undertake tew make kastor oil one
ov the luxurys until after / am dead, for kuster-
oil and bed buggs liz 2 things that l solemy
sware | won't hav, if they git to be ever so FASH
ionpblc.
OVERLOOKING THE SOIL or FRUIT TREEs.--
The moment weovordoso the soil of our orchards,
blight md other diseases will be invited for