The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1867-01-08
The sorrows Of a lecturer.

ular lecturers, send you few items of
Imy experience. I went to Southern Iii
nois to get started as a lecturer. I told
my hotel keeper that it was my first effort
in the lecturer. line. that | did not care
for money if could only get started. l
was unfortunate on that occasion either
in my subject or my audience. Ny sub
Iject was, 1.-THE urgent necessity for the
immediate revival and, thorough reorgani.
cation of the Know Nothing party My
Eaudience were all Irish. got started.
Being advertised by the nons-de-plume
1 of the s.Fat Gontributor.a 3 ny audience
is sometimes disappointed iu the size of
the lecturer. Such was the case in
town I visited in Minnesota last summer.
My audience was small, owing to the
public being suddenly and severely n
disposed-they were indisposed to come
to the lecture. My audience, in fact,
consisted of but one people. He was
gentleman. I began my discourse, Seen,
tlemen aud Ladies, but changed quickly
to respected Sir" Before | could pro-
ceed any further my audience arose in
diguantly to its feet, as one man.
inquired the cause of the Interrupt
ton.
"Sir," he said, "the audience is disap-
pointed in the size of the lecturer"
swell, my dear sir" said l, "the lec-
turer is disappointed in the size of the
audience, and if you will not say any
thing about size I won't
He allowed me to proceed, and at the
conclusion he was SO we'll pleased that he
urged me to stay another night when he
promised me much larger audience.-
He could not come himself, but would
send his wife, who weighed TIVE hundred
and sixty-6ve pounds. I didn't stay.
have had good deal of money in my
houses at one time and another gene.
rally in the pockets of some wealthy
man in the audience. I always come
home with money, however; I borrow
some to come home with.
have had some large houses. The
largest house had was at Louisville, Ky.
That house must have been two hundred
feet long, ninety feet vide, while in height
it came pretty high-took all the receipts
to pay rent. A Louisville editor said
good thing about me. He said: The
Fat Contributor lecturod last night to
small house. His style resembles Arte-
mus Wards, but he has not the ease and
grace Of Artemus before an audience.-
As though lecturer could be at his ease
before an audience, when the audience
would not pay expenses. A grace ac-
companies meat, there wasn't profit enough
in the house to buy meat, where's your
grace?
He said, in conclusion, that I would
improve with practice, if had capital
enough to continue the practice. And
this in the face Of the acknowledged fact
that l had capital lecture.
The fullest house I have had was at
Pithole City, in the Oil Regions. Every
man who came was full Of beer. The
lecture went off well notwithstanding. I
didn't go off SO we'll as my doorkeeper
did-he went off with the receipts
gave two consecutive lectures at Oil
City. At the conclusion of the second
lecture, one of the first citizens 0he Sec
ond citizen had not yet arrived) arose and
assured me that | had delighted them
greatly. He said they hadn't enjoyed
themselves so much since the Thayers
we're hung. He added that it was the re-
quest of the audience en- nsasse altogether
that I should stay another night The
landlord of the inn where was stopping
arose somewhat hastily, and stated that
I couldn't stay another night with him,
unless my bill was secured. Such is
sometimes the Encouragement that genius
receives at the hands of the mercenary
A little town ON the Allegheny turned
out WE'LL The principal occupation of
the inhabitants was to haul oil. That
being the only hall they had, I lectured
in grocery. The people turned out in
the most unexpected manner: they turn
ed out the lights-then they turned out
the lecturer-because he wasn't fat
enough. They gave me twenty minutes
to leave town. | told them if they d
make it twenty dollars I'd go.
At the termination of twenty minutes
felt something come against me very
rapidly from behind. Ny first impression
was that it was an old fashioned VaIise.-
Subsequent reflection has convinced me
that it was boot. / shook hands with
them all with much feeling. told them
they must excuse me, for | felt that l had
got to sol Leaving somewhat hastily
caught the sound of cheruS voices in that
grocery, singing in tones Of the most pa.
thetic inquiry:
"Shall We never more behold thee,
Never hear that winning voice again!"
| | yelled back that they wouldn t--not If
| could help it. That winning voice"
didn't seem to win in.that neighborhood
A friend advised me to go twice to the
same place. He SAID although | might
only make expenses the FIRST time, the
next time it would be different. 1t was,
to bs sure; only paid expenses the first
time, but yet the second time-l didn't.
/ have tried my agents. They proved
unsatisfactory with one exception. He
never asked for money. He never allu-
ded to money but once. Said he to me
one day:
"You don't care for money, do you?"
"No, indeed" said |.
81 thought not, = said he, q never saw
you have cent"
L,-o, b;no - tbosa b,rrnlass L.. 1.