The Van Buren press., 1867-08-09
a New Hampshire bachelor, afte

Leaving thenl-ne er nary.
~~S~~-
"A New Hampshire bachelor, after
several unsuccessful attempts to enter the
Benedictine ranks, finally persuaded al
old maid to marry him, the consideration
being a fifteen dollar watch. The cere-
mony over, he urged an immediate return
home. "Home" exclaimed the bride,
whe had been married in her old fathers
house, "home" This is my home, and
you had better go to your'n. | agreed to
marry you for the watch, but l wouldn't
live with you for a town clock
- Formerly, when negroes voted IN
New Jersey, candidate sent to an old ne
gro preacher two barrels of nice potatocs.--
Next meeting day, he exhorted his hearers
on the duty of voting, and the difference
between wings and democrats He told
the story Of the receipt Of the potatoes, and
added "My brederen, some tell you to
vote for de wings, some tell you to vote
for de democrats but | tell you vote
where you get the tatersr'
- Going up the street the other day
we overheard the following coloquy be-
tween two American citizens of African
descent:
See heah Sam who gwinc to make de-
greatest stir in the new Congress?
De greatest stir, Julius Why General
Butler I spects.
Why so, Sam?
Why Julius, you see he's got de Spoons
to do it wid
- One winters day gentleman was
looking in at the window of print-shop,
when he felt some one at his pocket. As
there was only one bystander, he instantly
turned round. and looking him fully in the
face. said: "Your hand, sir, was in my
pocket" Was it, sir ?" the other calm
ly replied. e really beg your pardon if
it was; but the weather is so very cold,
one is glad to put his hands anywhere"
-"Papa," said a terrible infant at
the breakfast table, "can fishes run 2"
No, my son" said Papa, with due dig
nifty, fishes do not run; they swim by
using their fins and tails" We'll, then,
what did cousin Sophie mean when she
said that you looked in the morning like
the last run of shad ?" 1t is believed that
when cousin Sophie caught that terrible
infant alone, her conduct towards to him
was not caressing.
-" Now, gents said Yankee at
dinner, guess III show you somethin
that no critter in this room ever seed afore
and not critter livin' ever will see gain.
Dye bet % The bet was made, and the
Yankee took nut off the desert plate, and
cracking it, held up the kernel between his
fingers and thumb. "Now, gents, | cal
culate none of yer ever seed that kernel
afore, and Swallowing it) guess you'll
never sec it again Please fork out"
- Thad Stevens talks about " mild
confscation" Said an Irishman, while
holding his hand before the muzzle Of u
gun about to be fired, "pull it of aisy"
- An exchange says that country
man giving his evidence in court, was asked
by the counsel if he was born in wedlock
"No, sir" he replied, al was born in
Schenectady
a sharp talking lady was reproved
by her husband, who requested her to keep
her tongue in her mouth. "My DEAR" re-
sponded the wife, Z" it is against the law
to carry concealed weapons
1t is said that the oil Of pennyroyal
will keep mosquitoes out of room, ifscat-
tered about even in small quantities.
Reaches are cxterminated by scattering Gu.
cumber parings about the house. No fly
will light on a window which has been
washed with water in which a little garlic
has been boiled
- A young man having devoted him.
self to the special entertainment of com
pany OF pretty girls for a whole evening
demanded payment in kisses, when one Of
them instantly replied,
Certainly sir i; present your bill"
In the burlesque of Mugby Junction
occurs conundrum which any bright girl
can get off to the discontinue of any con,
ccited spooney.
" Why, sir, are you like an opera glass o.
"Because can draw you out, see you
through and shut You up
1t has been discovered that the leaves
OF geraniums are excellent for cuts where
the skin is rubbed off, and other wounds
OF the like kind. One or two leaves must
be bruised and applied to the part, and the
wound will be cicatrised in short time.
-" This tough steak makes me think
OIL famous old English poet" "Thats
queer. What poet does it make you think
Of" "Chaucer,'
-" iuba DAM says that the sight
OF o lownecked dress makes him wish be