Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1867-05-17
Wit and lAunOr.

Wit and llnmOr.
The butcher Death never spares a
man because he isn't " fat enough TO kill"
1.-THE Ghost" is mans last conun-
drum, and everybody is obliged to give it up.
An insurance company heads IFS adj
vertisement thus: BEST lives taken at lowest
rates"
An English doctor sent in his bill to
till he died"
Most of our magazines pay nothing
for contributions and gel matter worth just what
they pay.
The newspaper is law for the in
dolent, a sermon for the thoughiless library for
the poor.
If you wish to fltten a thin baby
throw it out of the window and it will come down
plump.
Little girls believe in the man in the
moon-big girls believe in a man in the honey
moon.
-" I'm n broken man." exclaimed a
poet $50 think" was the answer, TOR have
seen your pieces"
Why does chicken three weeks,
three days and three hours old walk across the
road: TO get on the other eide.
What is the difference between
Noah's ark and an archbishop: One was q very
high ark, but the other II 1. iierdrch.
On the subject of conundrums, it
may be observed that men without arms ought TO
be successful in this line They can none drum
What is the difference between a
wealthy topper and skilful miner: One turns his
gold into quarts and the other turns his quartz
into gold
"A pet little girl boosted to one of her
friends that her father :" kept n carriage" All.
but was the triumphant reply, my father drives
an omnibus"
"A boy in Springfield, to the inquiry
Ia
with ~" ren'v. because the rigging cost more
than the hull
a disturbed individual wonders
how few organ grinders can manage to keep up
so much music under his window. We presume
il Is done by taking turns.
A country critic speaking of the
music of two dollar ACCORDION says: The swell
died away in delicious sufracation like one sing
Ing a sweet song under the bed-clothes.
One of Josh Billings maxims
:" Rize arly. work hard and late. live on what you
ritch and 90 to the devil yu may sue me for
damages.
Look here, bow" said nervous
gentleman to urchin who was munching candy
at ARE annoying s9S he me Ss5y much
gnawing this ere candy"
"A little girl was told to spell " fer
ment," and give it, meaning with sentence in
which it i nsed The following was literally her
to ferment in the gardeni"
-Smyth spent two whole days and
nights in considering answer 10 the conundrum.
:. Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone:"
hit upon the solution-Because both are hardly
done.
TO make a valuable speckled dog
bullet proof, Mark Twain says-Take off his hide
and line il with sheet iron. Russia iron Is the
best. and is slieker and more SNOWY than the COM
mon kind. Dogs prepared in this way do not mind
bullets.
"A gentleman calling on his butcher
to order something for dinner, was asked II he
would like to have . saddle of mutton. why"
said he, would IL not be better 10 have bride
as should then certainly stand better chance OF
getting bit in my mouth.
The Apache Indians have been
scalping another e',i gant train In Arizona. The
New Haven Pula flI. GEES no reason why indians
should not be peri tilted to vote, as well as black
men. The Apaches, t least, seem TO take very
naturally to 1.-THE polls Of travellers.
-" Larry" said a coauettish young
head sax IF k Se heaven pon Know I'm a sure
| piled the swell. :" unless indeed because II has
shining crown" Good, but not correct Because
| there Is NO more dysis1 or parting there -
BEARS.
Kit hates moustachcs. $50 much hair
Makes every man look like bear
Blurts out: 1.-The more like bears the better;
Because."-her pretty shoulders Struggling
=. Bears are such glorious chaps for hugging."
-" Where was John Rogers burned
to death :" said the teacher to me- in command
ing voice couldn't tell; to the next no answer
the class WE'LL said the teacher. If Jo-hus
knows he may tell" "In the fire, said Joshua
| looking very wise.
| In a thriving Quaker town in Ohio
record. Little Janey C, in speaking of the
| bride ut aristocratic wedding that was to take
place that evening, said: on, ma she Is going
TO have trail to her dress three yards long, anc
| four paA-6eGrers 10 carry az"
- A man lost the key to door in hi:
house. so taking the door OFF he put II into wagon
drove to the lock shop, and wanted a key fitted T.
the lock. When the person who was requested Il
At the kew went TO the wagon with screw drive
and cody took the lock of the door verdancy'
eyes opened with amazemsnt and ne sx ;hnn,
Of doing Ii that way!
"A California story tells of man VIII,
resolved to quit drinking, and went to notary 4
get him to draw up affidavit to that effect Tn
held no his hand and murmured the usual Sci
me-" Ii was properly sealed and delivered
) ~whst's to payt'' asked the pledger. Ito pay
course-this is a labor OF love- Nothing :
paysr returned the grateful but very forgetfu
sfiiant, You're a Trick. Let's take drink!
Sir Walter Scott used to tell witt
| much zest q story Of a man who tried to frighte
lonely spot which was supposed to be the resort Q
a ghostly visitAnt He took his seat on the haunte
stone, wrapped in a long white sheet Presently
to his horror the real ghost appeared. and sat dow
beside him, with the ominous ejaculation, "Yo
are ghost and am ghost; let US come Clos =,
ghost pressed, till the sham ghost, overcome Wit
: | terror, tainted away.
The SPRING TME.-The opening {
Spring is well described in these lines of Lowell
which though made for New England WILL lii
8 most Yankee products, bear transplanting to Il
D Northwest:
Fust come the blackbirds catt'ring in tall trees,
An settlin things in windy Congresses
Fore long the trees begin to show belief
,, The maple crirssons to a coral-resf.
. So plump they look ike WALLER caterpiiiars.
| Then grey hosschess'nuts leetle hands unfold
0 Softer babys be at three days old:
m | This IL the robins almanick; ne knows -ii' ?
. That arter this Their g only blossom SHOWS;
t So choosin' out a handy crotch an spouse,
:, He goes to plast'rin' his adobe house,
; I'm some fine mornin' Spring make. MP her min
An ez when snow-sweed rivers cresh their Dan
o Heaped-u with Ice that doTetails in an jams
y A leak comes spirtin thru some pin-holc cleft,
Then all the waters bow themselves an come,
Sudden, in ore greet slope o'shedderin' foam,
e Jes' so our Spring gifts every hin In tune
e An gives one leap from April .nto June;
Then AL ms the woods Sos %, pin
The catbirdin the hylock-bush Is loud.
, The orchards turn to heaps o rosy cloud,
a In elium- ehrouds the nashin hangoird cfngs,
:, An for the summer Wy his hammock slings,
u An down the loose-walled lanes In archin bowel
Is The barb ~ dsoops its strings o. golden foweis
Whose shrinkin' hearts the schoolgirls love To
With pins,-they'll worry yourn so, boys, bime-b
IN 'Nuf sed June's bridesman. poet o the year,
Gladness on wings, the bobolnk is here; 90
HalEhid in tip top apple-blooms he swings.
n Or climbs against the breeze with quiverin wins
Or, giyin' way to I In mock despair. .fl