The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1867-01-23

ibireesis.s for Hssksnds. a
kyour wife loves sou, yon need read
no further, for these directions ere not
intended for YOU. You need NO diree-
tions. You can get drunk as often as
you please, be guilty of robbery, assas-
sination, battle, murder, sudden death
and privy conspiracy, and make your
wife believe, by means of single kiss,
that you are one of the saints OF the
earth.
For those husbands who only appa-
rently, not really, have mastered the
hearts of their wives, we lay down the
following directions:
lion your wedding night you failed
to get drunk and break all your mother
in-law's crockery, do something equally
outrageous rs soon as possible. You
will then always be able to scare your
wife into Submission by reminding her
of what You had done, and what you
may be provoked to do again. zig;
Ifyou are fond ofsmoking pipe. and
your wife complains Of your breath on
account of it, eat onions; it will make
her forget the pipe.
If you have baby, groan as If your
last hour had come, whenever it begins
squalling in the night. You viii not
then be called upon to walk it. %
As sick rooms are not pleasant, always
have business that will keep You down
town the whole day, and half the night,
when your wife is sick.
When you get home at four o'clock in
the morning, after fighting the tiger"
OF playing "game of draw" with your
friends, tell your wife your business is
getting so large that the labor Of carry
ing it OH is breaking down your sonsti-
tuition, and you must take i'll partner;
but when she mentions that new dress,
shake your head, and talk about econo-
my and harl times.
If your wife is very religious, and
fond Of entertaining ministers, take adj
vantage OF the first opportunity to in
suit one of these gentlemen in your own
house. 1t can be done with perfect i'm
puuity, and will deter others from call
ing during mail hours, or any other time.
Ifyour circumstances are such that
you find it necessary to practice econo-
my, begin with your table, and dine
every day at a restaurant.
There are certain little things that
must be done daily by one Or the other
of every married couple. Impress upon
Your wife that the performance of these
is very distasteful to you, and so force
her TO attend to the whole of them her
self. Among these is the kindling Of
the fire in the morning, if you have no
servant. Lie in bed and let your wife
do it. Also, wait for her to pour out
the water for you to wash, brush your
clothes, and place your slippers by a
chair before the fire.
When all is prepared, get out of bed
and dress yourself, taking care not to
show by word or look that you appre. |
ciate the little attentions that have
been shown you. But if You find that
any of them have been overlooked, be
very cross and fretful during the rest of
the morning. .H---...
When you are asked to so out to make
an evening call, complain Of a very bad
headache.
Make it point never to praise any
iisl, on the table, especially the one to
which YOU know your wife has given
her personal attention. Such course
.-:n v"rr. 80, o". luIhius '"'i.y ti.o.~
may be in her nature.
When you are in room together, al
ways occupy the most comfortable seat,
after having offered it to her in such
way that she can't, with any propriety,
accept it.
Give her the choice OF any dish you
are carving, after having repeatedly in
formed her what parts you yourself pre-
fer.
Keep her in perfect Ignorance as to
the condition of yonr business, although
she is as deeply interested in it as you
are, and no injury can result to it by
your telling her all about it. BY keep
ing it to yourself you have the satisfac-
ton of feeling that you are superior to
her, because you know what she does
not.
If from any cause you are detained at
home, and find the time heavy on Your
hands, it may be that Your wife ia inter
ested in novel that she is about
through with. Take it from her as If
you wished merely to glance at it; sit
down and read it by the hour. She, in
the meantime, may amuse herself by
sewing.
If yon do not keep carriage, and
your wife tells you that she and the
children need an airing, tell her to wait
for the death Of her frinds, when she
may ride to the funeral free of cost.
The Evening BEFORE Wedding.
IN tell you," continued her amt to
Louisa, two things which have fully