Delaware State journal and statesman., 1867-03-05
WIT AND HUmoR.


team last week in the following style what
the matter, dear p said Mrs. Partington, as II
threw the morning paper that he had been reat
ing down upon the floor, and stamped on 4
'What makes you 80 obsiropolus, Isaac9' sThey'r
goin' to stop the importation Of fire-craokers
replied Ike, with flourish of his stupendou
INST. well, we'll, said Mrs p, as soothing 1
her tone as q poultice don't see anythin
harmonious in that. And you need not be 8
pugnascent about it, either; because it doesu'
infect you anyhow sd like to you know hoV
'hey're going to keep Fourth Of july cried be
Wipipg an indignant tear from his eye. .Did'n
1onn Quincy Adams tell US to burn all the Ia
barrels, and ring the bells, and fire all III,
crackers we wanted to ?? And now Mr.. Fessen
den' only because they burnt his city down las
Fourth Of July, is going to stop their importa.
uon' wish | was a member Of Coneress',-
Don't, lsaac,' said the old lady, interruptinr
nlm /; don't wish such wicked thing as that
remember you have got the family virtue to
maintain She looked up, as she spoke, at the
picture OF the corporal of the bloody 'Leventh
on the WALL a sigh raised the white 'kerchiei
on her breast at the sight Of that Spartan EN-.
oodiment of virtue; and, giving Ike a new three
cent piece that she mistook for one, she re-
lApsed into the slew then pending.
Some time ago one Of our shipownsrs in
getting away vessel, had considerable trouble
with one Of bis men by the name Of Cain or
Kane who got rather top heavy on his advance
wages. After the vessel had accomplished bsr
voyage, in settling with her crew, it came to this
mans turn for settlement what name?' asked
the merchant. Cain, sir, was the reply. What
re)oined the merchant, 'are you the man who
slew his brotherG' mo, SIR was the ready and
witty reply, 4 am the man who was Slowed y
When Schuyler colfax was going up from
Troy to Burlington to lecture few weeks since,
gentleman entered the car and took a seat
beside him. Disposed to be socable, the strau-
ger said, Going to the lecturer Mr.. Colfax
said he would probably be there. $50 am I.
Did you ever hear COlfaxr POh, yes; very
often,' was Mr.. o'p. reply. Well, what kind Of
man is he Is he good speaker does be
know anythingr We'll, really, l don't know as
my opinion is worth much on that. Ny name
Is Colfax.' Strange man subsidod.
Our little four year old Carrie went with her
aunt to revival meeting. The preacher was
very earnest in his delivery, and she was much
Interested. Mother said she, when she came
home, q have heard such smart minister-be
stamped and pounded and made such noise
and, by'and-bye, he got SO mad he came out Of
the pulpit and shook his fists at the folks, and
there wasn't anybody dared to go up and fight
him. 4af.t7
What's that ar apicture on2' asked country
man in printshop the other day Of the proprie-
tor,who was turning off some engravilgs THAT,
sir, is Joshua commanding the sun 10 stand still
'Du tell Which is Josh and which is his son 2
The first time Jerrold cav celebrated song
writer, the latter said to him, 'Youngsier, have
you sufficient confidence in me to lend me n
guinea p 'oh, yes said Jerrold, I've ell the
confidence, but haven't the guinea
An old clergyman, advising the young shep
herds of the Church as to the best;way of keep
ing and serving and saving their fiocks, told
them, Get the good will of your lambs, and
they will manage the old rams,eWes and wethers.'
Josh Billings says, 4 always advise short SER
mons, especially on a hot Sunday. II man
kant strike lie in bOreing forty minutes, he has
either got poor gimblet, or he is boreing in
the wrong place..
lf il wasn't for hope the heart would break
as. the old woman said when she buried her
seventh husband, and looked anxiously among
the funeral crowd for another.
Josh Billings says, ''Give the devil his due,
reads we'll enough in q prOVerb, but mi friend
what will become Nv me and you if this arrange
ment is carried outr
A drunken man lately tried to get policeman
to arrest his own shadow. His complaint was
that an Unlocking scOundrel kept following him.
You want nothing, do your said Pat 'Bedad,
an if it's nothing you want you'll find 1t in the
jug where the whisky was.
II, as the poet says, beauty draws us with
single hair what, oh what must be the effect
OF a WATERFALL
thrifty young man got married to rosy
young Irish girl, quite to the horror of hiss
mother and sisters but defended himself by the
following logic: If marry an American girl, |
must have an Irish girl to take care Of her,
and cannot afford 20 support both.'
Il wish had your head said lady uus day
TO gentleman who had solved for her knotty
point l'And wish had your heart, was the
reply. 'WeI,' said she, since your head and
my heart can agree, do not see Why they should
not go into partnership
A good story is told of a reply made by Judge
Poland to an inquiry as to the reasons which
caused the Vermonters to send Mr.. Morrill, to
the Senate and remove the Judge to the House.
'Well,' said the Senator, suppose they thought
that the senate wanted more wool and the House
more law
Wanted, the receipt which is given when a
gentleman pays his respects
Sidney Smith being III, his physician advised
him to take walk upon au empty stomach
upon whose? p said he.
Farmer Gookins was impatiently waiting for
his son to pass the mug, when the young hope
full said to him, Father, this cider is SO hard
can't bite it off,"
An old lady refused to lei her neice dance
with young graduate, because she heard that
ho was bachelor of arts, whereby she under
stood that he was an artfnl bachelor.
A lawyer engaged in a case, tormentsd
witness so much with questions that the poor
fellow at last cried for water. There said the
judge, Il thought you'd pump him dry