Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1867-11-13
A CHAPTER OF HUMOR.
ABOUT NOTHING IN PARTICULAR
BIZ JOHN QUILL.

about this week, concluded to do it. The
earth was made from nothing, and man
was made from the earth, consequently we
all sprang from nothing, and it is surpris-
ing how many human beings are true to
their origin, in knowing nothing, doing
nothing, and being good for nothing all
their lives.
Authorities differ, however, in regard to
the origin of man. Some think he is but
the higher grade of "What is it ?" and
others that he is only fully developed
claim. L incline 10 the latter opinion in
the case of certain men who fritter away
their lives in folly and dissipation. But
the whole subject is difficult one and Pc
cuiarly so TO the unmetaphysical mind
This is illustrated in the case of young
Wilkins, who sought the author of his be
ing with the following inquiry:
Pap, wern't all men made by Heaven9"
Yes, my child" benignly replied the
paternal Wilkins, "but why do you ask p
"Oh, nothing, only | see in the papers
long accounts of self-made men,, and |
thought may be some of those fellows had
been gettin' of their own selves up"
This is the brother of that other Wilkins,
baptized Holfernes Montgomery, who
came home and complained that he didn't
like the arithmetic they had at 2chool, be-
cause he couldn't guess the conundrums in
it.
"Conundrums?" exclaimed his pater-
nal guardian, "why, Holfernes Montgom-
Al MI 10
Why, you know that old arithmetic of
ours is full of connndrums,a and them things,
and when Mr.. Swishtail asked me { if l2O
bushels of corn will serve IA horses Sc
days, how many days will "a bushels serve
6 horses?' said Il give it up and he
got mad about it, and said was stupid as
an owl. Then he wanted to know why
forty rods made one rood? l couldn't
guess it, can't guess his darned old jokes,
you know, and then be licked me.'
He was only trying to demonstrate,my
child, that while forty rods make one rood,
one rod sometimes makes one polite. Lou.
iss remove this child to bed"
This was the same boy who afterwards
got his teacher foul on the question: "Ifit
takes four nails to make a quarter, how
many carpet tacks will it take to get up
ten dollar bill 2"
a cousin of his only nine years old, be-
gan crying piteously, as if his heart would
break, when bis father stated that he was
a Republican. His fond mother took him
in her arms, and upon inquiry ascertained
that he was impressed with the conviction
that he had-seen Republicans and sinners
classed together in his Sunday-school les
son, and he was anxious for the old mans
moral welfare.
Wilkins has taste for these things. 1t
was daring his connection with the Utterly
Hopeless Mutual Insurance Company, that
he went over to Boston for few days,and
upon his return was asked by Smythe, you
know him-son of old Smythe-coal oil
man-was asked by Smythe, "Say, vii.
kins, where have you been for a week
back ?" a haven't been anywhere for it.
/ haven't got week back" and he shot
around the corner. ... 81.
But his great point is in educating the
minds of his boys; and one day when he
had quarrel with his aunt, and Bucepha-
lus Alexander, his oldest child, wanted to
know what was the matter, he said it was
simply grammatical error. The relative
didn't agree with his antecedent.
He was strong on grammar; and when
Mary Jane asked him what Syu-tax was,he
said, the tax on Whisky, for Wilkins will
have his top whether or no, and he thinks
it aint right to put high duties on it.
Wilkins would sacrifice anything to
joke. When his father died, venerable
friend called to console him upon the loss
of his parental protector. Wilkins sighed
and said: eyes the old man was good at
that, but now I'm the head of the family,
and suppose I'll have to pay-rental in his
place." His friend dropped sympathet-
ic tear, and drove to the funeral in hack.
The elder Wilkins died of consumption,
and his son remarked as he saw the re-
mains placed III the undertaker's carriage,
that it was singular that the old man should
first be carried off by hackin' cough, and
afterwards by coffin hack, The under
taker didn't perceive that this was joke
until he got to the cemetery, and it made
DlHl So LIdu IDdl ue hlChGu OOS ludL lay
in his way, and the dog bit chop out of
his leg.
as it a bull dog, said Mrs. Wilkins ?"
"No, nay love- replied her husband sits
a ceme-terrier." F..
But Wilkins had brother-in-law NAM
ed Gouge, who ran for judge up in Schuyl-
kill county, and the very first case he tried
was that of man who owned coal mine,
but had been a major in the army. His
tailor sued him for a uniform, but Gouge
decided against the tailor, that he couldn't
have made those clothes for him, because
miner couldn't be a major
Gouge was an infidel. He was so skep-
tical that his own mother wouldn't believe
him, and he gave up the law and turned
spiritualist. He was the medium who re-
ceived message from the spirit of Daniel
Webster, stating that there were great
many errors in his dictionary which he
would like to have corrected. ss
1t was before Judge Goage that Fergu-
son the soap-fat man, was sued by woman
for breach of politeness--she thought that
was what IL was and Gouce charged the