The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1867-04-19
Female Sufrage--The Views Of a
Humorist.


be voted on by the people next year-the
Legislature having passed an act to that
effect-perhaps the following, from the pen
of the great humoriss Mark Twain to
St. Louis paper, will be relished by our
readers, male and female: ..,.
''I have read the long list of lady
| petitioners in favor of female suffrage, and
as husband and father want to protest
against the whole business. 1t viii never
| do to allow women to vote. r. It will never
| do to allow them to hold Office You know,
| and know, that if they were granted these
privileges there would be no more peace on,
| earth. They would swamp the country with
debt. They like to hold office too WE'LL.
They like to be Mrs President Smith of the
Dorcas society, or Mrs. Secretary Jones Of
the Hindoo aid association, or Mrs. Treasu-,
rer of something or other. They are fond
of the distinction of the thing, you know;
| they revel in the sweet jingle of the title.
| They are always setting up sanctihed con
| federations Of all kinds and then running
| for President Of them. They are even 50
| fond of Office that they are willing to serve
without pay. But you allow them to vote,
| and to 60 to the Legislature once, and then
see how it will be. They will 60 TO work
di1u SIdtt tuOUsdiiu IuOlC SOGlCtlSS,
cram them full of salaried officers. :, You
will see a state of things then that Will stir
your feelings to the bottom Of your pockets.
The first fee bill would eyasperate you some.
Instead of the usual schedule for Judges,
State Printer, Supreme Court Clerks, &C.,
the list would read something like this:
OFFICES AND SALARIES.
President Dorcas Society,". ....... $4,000,
Subordinate officers of same, each.... 1000
President Ladies Union Prayer
meeting ............................ o.OUU.
Pies. t Pawnee Educational Society, 4,UOo
Pres't of Ladies' Society for the Dis
semination of Bellies Lettres among
the Shoshpdes.-.............. 5,0OG,
State Crinc,ine Directress. 10000.
State Superintendent of Waterfalls, 10000.
State Hair OH 1nspectreSs.. 10000,
State Miliner. ...........................5 $4,000
You know what state of anarchy and
social chaos that fec bill would create,
Every woman In the Gem morwealth of
! Missouri would let 20 everything and ,tua
for State Milliner. And, instead OF Vcntlla-,
ting each others political autecedcnts as
men do, they would go straight after each
Others private moral character. know
them-they are all like my wife, Before
the canvass was three days old, it would be.
in the State was no better than she ought
to be-" Only think how it would lacerate
me to have an opposition candidate say that
about my wife. That is the idea, you
know-having other people say these hard
things. Now, [ know that my wife isn't
any better than she ought to be, poor devil
in fact, in matters of orthodox doctrine,
she is particularly shaky-but still, would
not like these things aired in political con-
test | don't really suppose that that
/ woman viii sta,.d any more show hereafter
than-however, she may improve, she may
may even become a beacon light for the
saving Of others but if she does, eEe will
burn rather dim, and she will flicker good
political canvass would be an outrageous
thing. . .s.a...... ...v.....-.... ...t
Think of the torch light professions that
would distress our eyes. =, Think of the
curious legends on the transparencies
Robbins forever! Vote for Sallie Rob-
bins, the only virtuous candidate in the
/ field Il
| And this: ..alr -. ~. - ...r -,
CHASTITY modesty, patriotism Let the
great people stand by Maria Sanders, the,
chain pion Of morality and progress, and the
only candidate with stainless reputation ~
And this: :,
"vote fer Judy McGinniss, the incor;
ruptlbe! Nine children - one at the
breast |"
In that day man shall say to his servant,
l''What is the matter with the baby ?''--
And the servant shall reply, g It has been
| sick for hours And where is its moth
er?'' " She is out electioneering for Sallie
Robbins. y And such conversations as
these shall transpire between ladies and
servants applying for situations: Gao you
cook ?" Yes Wash p Yes"
"Dogeneral housework ?" Yes" "All
right; who is your choice for State Mill,
ner p !" Judy McGinniss. = - g Well, you
can tramp" And women shall talk politics
instead of discussing the fashions and they
shall neglect the duties Of, the household to
go out ard take drink with the candi-
their wives travel to the polls to vote. And
also in that day the man who has beautiful
whiskers shall beat The homely man OF wis.
dom for Governo~, and the youth who
waltzes with exquisite grsce shall be Chief
Of Police, in preference to the man of prac-
teal sagacity and determined energy.
\. Every man, take it, has
selfish end in view when he pours out elo-
quence in behalf OF the public good in the
newspapers, and such is the case with me.
do rot want the privileges of women ex-
tended, because my wife already holds Office
in nineteen different Internal female associa
tions, and have to do all her clerking. If
you give the women full sweep with the men
in political affairs, she will proceed to run
for every confounded office under the new
dispepsation. That will finish Inc. 1t is
bound to finish me. She would not have
time to do anything at all then, and the ore
solitary thing | have shrked up TO the
present time would fall on me, and my fam
lily would 60 to destruction; for am not
qualified for a wet nurse"