The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1867-07-15


"Bob Varkis," one of the cleverest
writer's of the Artemus Ward, Bill Arp
and Josh Billings school, (but who is
BobP has been to the Woman's Rights
demonstration, and in the Metropolitan
Record "Portfolio" OF this week, thus
relates his experience:
Editor Portfolio:
Things are movin. The age into
which we are livin is goin ahead. The
iniineers are crowdin on steem and
hurryin forward with much rapidness.
At IL mod'rate calkulashin [ shoOd say
the whole darned concern IL bust up in
about ten years, If not at more early
period.
NV respek for the femail sex is much.
My wife belongs to that sex and like
wise her mother. My wife's mother Is
sing'lar woman. 1t is her natur TO
make thinks rough, specially for her
sOn-in-law, whose constant prayer 1t is
that he may soon have the nelankolH
sntisfacshun of paying her funeral ex-
penses. When my wife's mother dies,
/ will put about two thousand pounds
of tombstone onto her SOS she can't
come back no more. Im bleSt if she
aint the darndest woman for encouragin
what our parsOn calls domestick infe-
lisity that l ever seed.
But it was not to write about this
aged femail that took up my pen.
had higher and more grander objeck,
which is suthin like this: For some
several noOmerous weeks my wife has
been actin somehow as if Suthin was
onto her mind, and il was troublin her.
Some times her slumbers don't agree
with her, and she wakes up and talks
about poles. Feelin interested in her
condition, l asked her one night what
was nilin of her, and she said it was the
wrongs OF her sex. "Right 'em, " said
I. ave mean to-" said she. "Which?"
snid l. "Our sisterhood," said my wife.
After fixin up the tea things next
night, my wife put on her best shawl
and went out. l went with her, carry
in an umbreller. We walked SOME ten
minutes and then went into II house
which stood onto n plot of ground. We
was ushered into room where several
femails was Sittin. One of the femails
looked hard at me and asked me II
had any sympathy into my booSom.
My wife raised her expressive eyes,
and l sukkumed. Another femail then
said that the sisterhood would proceed
to business. (which is WHAT" 1 in
kwired. 1--WE meet" said this temail,
"to consider the wrongs of our sex and
to redress 'em. Go ahead, MAN,"
said I, "and don't be bashfnl becouse
Pm here" The femail which was
speakin proceed to stat the question.
(The Question" embraced IA recital of
wrongs, from the days of Adam down
to those of old John Brown, )-after
which Bob goes on to say:
"Then the sisters had some tea, and
by'n by they got back to the question
OF wrongs and the way to right 'em. y
venerable woman with a sharp nose and
u voice of similar pecOoliarity laid her
hands onto the table, and lookiu severe
ut me, said things must be redressed.
S,.f 7 hi TztTl
need re-dressin very much. There for
instance, is lovely femails on the stage.
Some of 'em aint dressed enough to
keep 'em warm. l blushed ma'am, and
felt sorry for about fifty of 'em the
night l went to see the Black Crook,
and"-my remarks was interrupted bE
II female howl which cum from the cor
ner into which my wife was sittin, and
promiskusly all the femails went Into
the hOwlin business.
put on stern and virtuOus express
shun, and said l he'd visited the sink of
perdishun i'll the interest of an outra-
ged community. My objick, l said,
depravity was sounded onto the mod
ern stage, SOS l could warn the public
against the demCraliZin inflooanCe of
the statOo dramer. | cOntinooed to re-
mark that l had composed lectur onto
the subjeck, which 1 wood read for the
'em. This genrous propOsiShun was
rejected with lively scorn, and the old
woman who started the subjeck said if
that coarse and vulgar man wood keep
quiet she wood read some eresolooshuns.
The resolooshuns which this femail
red were to the etfeck which follow, to
wit. that is to say, viz:
Whereas, The brutes OF creashuns,
which are false and impiously called
the lords, have kept their heel onto the
necks of women since they asoOmed to
he their masters, and oppressed her
crooelly, and with no just cause; and
Whereas, We are now livin into the
era of progress, when enlitenment is
drivin The clouds of barbrism and Op-
Lresshun into the oshan of the hidyus
past, and it behoovs woman to assert
her right to regulate her own affairs in
her own way; therefore, be it
Resolved, That the Unrestricted Ee-
mail Rights Associashun demands the
same privyliies for its femail sex, in
Guiding all classes and condishuns,
which are now enjoyed by the tyrants
and oppreSsOrs OF the mothers, wives,
and dawters of the United Stats of
Ameriky.
Besolved, That the o. T. R. A. is uni
ted by bonds of sympathy, which the
tyrauts and oppressors aint strong enuf
to sever, and that we the members
which are thereof swear allegiance to the
maxim that what can be cured must be
endoored;
Resolved, That the femail sex thro-
ont the United Stats of America afore-
said be rekwest5d by the Sehretaryess
of the o. +. r. a. to so eno more but
tons, nuss no more children, and allow
no more kissin whatSumever, until
their rights to vote and sit on jurees,
and be judges and professurs, and sich
like be recognized by the tyrant and
oppressur which is aioremenshuned;
Resolved, That we hang our banners,
peticoats, etseteree, onto the outer wall,
end inscribe 'em with these words
The needle to the polll Ballots and
downuts, one and onseperabil, now and
forever! A1itdte! ACETATE! AG1-
TATE!
When the ansheut sister which red
these resloOshuns sot down, Mrs. Var
kis looked malishus at her husband
and said she guessed some foax would
find out pretty soon that some toax
wasn't agoin to be trampled on olwsys.
Endooranse. she remarked, ceased 70
be q virtue when fOax which has rights
natural borned into 'em are trodden
onto like slaves, which natur never
destined 'em for 10 be.
A sister with green spektakles then
enkwired how much 1 was willin to
give to help the good work onto which
The Onrestrikted Femail Rights Asso-
ceashun had entered.
"Ma'am," said I, "as to stamps, it
aint handy. coDsiderin how the Treas
ury has called in most of the five cent
ers; but If advice is agreeable, 1 can
give you some that is soOperior, and
which will do you good. Let me re-
mark, in the fust place, that 1 don't
think no purson ever got out of pecoo-
mary diffikulties by marryin you,
which is unfornit, seeing that roses
don't bloom no longer onto your femail
oboaES