Smyrna times., 1867-01-16
DE part, Ye Cursed!
BY MARK TWAIN.


Against all Chambermaids, of whatsoever
age or nationality, launch the curse of Bache-
lOrdom Because:
They always put the pillows at the opposite
end of the bed from the gas-burner, SO that
while you read and smoke before sleeping las
is the ancient and honored custom of bache-
lOrs) you have to hold your book aloft in an
uncomfortable position, to keep the light from
dazzling your eyes.
When they find the pillows removed to the
other end of the bed in the morning, they re-
celve not the mute suggestion i'll a friendly
spirit, but glOrying in their absolute sovereign
| ty, and Implying your helplessness, they make
the bed as it was originally and gloat in secret
over the pang their tyranny will cause you.
Always after that, when they find you have
transposed the pillows, they undo your work,
and thus defy you and seek to embitter the life
that God hath given you.
| If they cannot get the light in an inconve-
nient position any other way, they move the
bed.
Ifyou pull the trunk out six inches from the
wall, SO that the lid will stay up when you open
| it, they always shove that trunk back again.
They do it on purpose.
IfyOu want the spittOOn in a certain spot,
where 1t will be handy, they don't. And SO
| they move it.
They always put your boots in inaccessible
places. They chiefly enjoy dcpositing them as
far under the bed as the wall will permit. 1t
is because this compels you to get down in an
undignifed attitude and make wild sweeps for
them in the dark with the bootjack, and swear
| They always put the matchbox in some
other place. They hunt up a new place for it
every day, and put bottle, or other perisha-
BILE glass thing, where the box stood before
| This is to cause you to break that glass thing,
cropping in the dark, and get yourself into trou-
ble
They are forever and ever moving the furni
ture When you come in the night, you can
calculate on finding the bureau where the
wardrobe was in the morning. And when you
go out in the morning, if you leave the sOp-
bucket by the door and the rocking chair by
the window, when you come in at midnight, or
thereabouts, you will fall over that rocking chair
and you will proceed towards the window and
sit down in that slop-tub. This will disgust
you. They like that
No matter where you put anything, they are
not going to let it stay there. They will take
it and move it the first chance they get. 1t is
their nature. And besides, it gives them plea
sure to be mean and contrary this way. They
would die if they couldn be villains.
They always save up the scraps of printed
up carefully on the table, and then start the
fire with your valuable manuscripts. If there
is any one particular old scrap that you are
more down on than any other, and which you
are gradually wearing your life out trying tC
get rid OF, you may take all the pains you pos
siby can in that direction; but it won't be Of
any use, because they will always fetch thai
old scrap back and put it in the same old
, place every time. 1t does them good
And they use up more hair-oil than any sil
men. If charged with purloining the same
they lie about it. What do they care about
| hereafter? Absolutely nothing.
: 1t you eaxe the key in the door for c0nve
: nience sake, they will carry it down to the of
, fee and give it to the clerk. They do this un
der the vile pretense of trying to protect you
property from thieves-but actually they do i
! because they want to make you tramp bacl
:. down stairs after it when you come home tired
/. : or put you to the trouble of sending a waite
= for it, which waiter will expect you t.
u pay him something. In which case | suppos
!. the degraded creatures divide.
. They keep always coming to make your bee
= before you get up, thus destroying your res
. and inhicting agony upon yOu-but after yo'
" get up they don't come any more till next day
/ They do all the mean things they can thinl
!, of, and they do them out of pure cusSedness
- and nothing else.
T Chambermaids are dead to every human in
= stinct.
y y have cursed them in behalf of outrage
~ bachelordOm. They deserve it. Ii can ge
! a bill through the Legislature abolishing cham
!, bermaids, mean to do it.-M Y. Weekly Rt
~ Uieao.
- THE AMERICAN HOTEL CLERK.-A CORES