Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1867-02-28
Mn,uuruns 9epartauent.
THE DEVILS PUTTY AND vARNIsH.

When man Gums to the konklusion that he
would ike to kill sum boldly at thirty, PAGES ne
irnagines that he has bin wronged, and sends hlz
best friend challenge to fte dewe1 tina meet,
and an elegant murder is committed; the cracks IN
this translation are puttyed up, ana thep Yarnsn-
When man robs saving bank, or goes tew Eu-
rome on the last steamer with the stolen receipts
oy a sanitary kommittee In his pocket, akommittee
ov investigation are got together to examine the
stait of affairs, and unanimously report "a dlskrep
ansy in his ackounts" 2yung men hire boss
and buggy at Gvri stable, and 60 into the kuntry
on Sunda Tha stop at the fust tavern tina meet
and invest in some ardent speerlts. Ihe more ina
histe in, the more tina drive, till bi and bi dev-
iish bridge tips them over into deviish gutter
that sumboddy haz lef in the side ov the road and
tina are all killed. inclooding the hoss and the bug
gv. This is called 'Fatal acksident." A man
and his wife are living in the middle Of Joy an con-
solashun, tha are surrounded on awl sides by
yung and interesting familee, their bread IS cut
thin and buttered on both sides and the edges, but
the destroyer enters the family, the w,fe wants
and AM 1 she Sbe dwdif she don't" One words brings
on another tell tha fte, both Of them lose aw the
hair In their heds, and full sets of false teeth the
thing ends in divorce the man runs away teW
Australia bi the overland route, the woman
marry'sa cirkus rider at 40 dollars month, the
children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and are
brought up on homeopathy. This furnishes COL :
lum and half in the newspaper under the he'd OF
ssDisturbance ov the married relation. r A youth
of 2l summers begins life with 36 thousand dollars;
Several hosses belong tew him, there are several
fast wimmin that he belongs tew, all the tavern
keepers are biz patrons, faro banks are built for
his amusement, consolidated lotterys are chartered
on purpose tew make him happee nothing is LETT
undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up, a
bout the 25th of next May without dollar In his
pocket, and host of warm friends on biz hands,
without any vizible means ov supporting them.
He takes an akount of stock, he buys pint ov rum
and yards of bed cord, the one makes him hmber
while the other makes him stiff.
The putty and varnish in this kase IL: driven
tew desperashun on account of inanshul pressure:
A rale rode trane stands snorting in front oV the
depoe, the last bel IL rngin, the kars are tuIl oV
souls that belong to different individuals, the kon-
ductor is Bourbon, that belong to the devil the en-
gineer labors under an attack ov Jamaka tor the
bronketis, the swtchman liked little good old rye,
the kars diskount As miles hour, francs try tew
pass each other on the same track, it kant be dId
successfully; the mangled and ded are kounted bl
skores, searching investigashun takes plase, the
community IL satisfied, because it was an una
yoidable Eatastophre" The devil furnishes putty
and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the frauds
and guilt of men. -.
All of which IL respectfully committed bi
ARTEMUS WARD.