Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-01-18
alnnlnEnnls.

man kindness is IN the pale Of civilization.
WAR is society after all but mixture Of
histories and miss cries?
IN what color should friendship be kept?
Inyiolate in violet
WnAr motives have railroad trains for run
ning2 Locomotives.
The tobacco ehewer is said to be like a goose
in Dutch oven-always on the spit
Beauty is the woman you love, whatever
she may seem to others.
Why are railroad companies like laundress-
esq Because they have ironed the whole
country and sometimes do little mangling.
It is with the votes of men, as with their
actions: it all depends upon the way in which
you treat them,
Iris said that when a crew of Chinese pi.
rates getout of provisions they salt their own
junk and eat that.
A BuFF4o ma claims to have discovered
that leather and India rubber for betting can
be replaced by sheet iron.
A DlsTuLERY internal revenue case in New
York is entered in court-''The United States
vs. Two Large Worms
MRs. PARrlEerox says that because dane
ing girls are stars, it is no reaeon why they
should be regarded as heavenly bodies.
WIusN an extravagant friend wishes to Dor.
row your money, consider which of the two
You would rather lose.
The Presidents message has three heads,
says General Schofeld: Copperhead, sore
head and blockhead.
A KISS, says an ingenious authority, is like
the creation, because it is made of nothing,
and is very good.
A MARRIED monster says he once had a
most delightful dream, in which he imagined
he had an angel by his side, and on waking
up foun d it was only his wife.
WHAT is the difference between summer
dress in winter aud an distracted tooth? One
is too thin, and the other tooth-out.
A NEW mode Of dispensing mobs has lately
been discovered, and it is said to act like
charm" The mode is, to pass round con-
tribution box
A YOUNG lady is charged with having said
that if cart wheel has nine felloes, it's
pity if pretty girl like her can't have one
A YOUNG gentleman the other day asked
young lady what she thought Of the married
state in generaP "Not knowing, ] can't
tell was the reply; but if you and we're
to put our heads together, could soon give
/ v-O4t a Jnff,;+e arsu4a-
A LAWYER, neither young nor handsome,
when examining young lady witness in court,
desiring to perplex her, said, Miss, upon
my word, you are very pretty" The young
lady replied, ~ would return the compliment,
sir, we're 1 not under OATH
Il think, - said wife who could not agree
with her husband, ~ think, Mr.. Jibbs, we
had better divide the house. You shall live
on one side and 1 on the other" Every
we'll nv dear renEad he. ssvor tala tbo
| outside, and III have the inside.
AN American Quaker said to a gunner dur
ing the Revolutionary war Friend, coun-
sci no bloodshed but if it be thy design to
hit the little man in the blue jacket, point
thine engine two inches lower"
WuNEss, you said that while walking with
an open umbrella, you fell into this reservoir
and we're badly injured. Did you break any
bones, sir at the timer"
II did, sir"
''What bones2''
'Whale-bone, sir"
II SAY milkman, you give your cows too
much salt!
"Why, how do you know how much salt /
give them?''
Il judge from the appearance Of the milk
you bring US lately. Salt makes the COWS
dry, and then they drink too much water, and
that makes their milk thin, you know"
The following correspondence is said to
have taken place between New Haven mer-
chant and one of his customers; 'sir-Your
account has been standing for two years; 1
must have it settled Immediately To which
in reply: "Sir-Things do usually settle by
standing; l regret that my account is an .ex-
ception. If it has been standing too long,
suppose you let it run little"
UNCLE SAN had a neigbbor who was in the
0aDAL u hbAht4B OAA hSAAA1tAl Sht ttAbGL N4ilG
he joined church. One day he met min
lister to whose church he belonged,
"Well, Uncle Sam,n said he, s'do you see
any difference in Mr.. P. since he Joined the
church2''
''oh, yes" said Uncle Sam, "a great diff
ference. Before, when he went out to mend
his fence on Sunday, he carried his axe onhis
shoulder, but now he carries it under his over
coat.
The editor of the Cynthiana (Ky.) Ne,cs,
in making an appeal to his subscribers who
are in arrears, to pay up, says;-"We do hope
/ they viii sotalo ,visl4out delay. Not that wo
need the money-oh, no Our ink is given
to US, we steal our paper, and we win our
printers wages at "seyen up" So it costs
US nothing to carry on business. As matter
of accommodation, and to ease their con
sciences, we viii take what they owe us, if
they will send it in Immediately.
/ What an amiable editor he is, to be sure.
| Wonder if he has a wife and children
WHITE HOUSE ANECDOTES. Some good
stories are told of the Irishman Edward, -
for four years doorkeeper at the White