Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1867-03-26
C0sti3s0s and Machinery.


'.All flesh is grass" as the horse said when he
bit the mans arm.
II was naked and you took me in as the raw
oyster said to the hungry man.
In all matters, except little matter of tongue,
a woman can generally hold her own.
A bookseller being asked for copy of the Con-
stituton replied, Il keep no periodicals.
A clergyman asked sea captain his views on
his future state and was answered that he dld moi
NEEDLE himself with state affairs
Here's Webster on bridge" said Mrs Part
ington, as she handed Ike a dictionary. study
it contentively, and you will gain great deal OF
inflammation"
A lady in St. Louis advertises for help who
sknows a slap-ack from boot jack" and who
will not wash her feet in the dish tub instead OF
the wash tub
A melting sermon being preached in a country
church. all fell weeping but one man, who,
when asked why he did not weep with the rest.
90" said he, Il belong to another parish!''
A correspondent wants to know why an old
maid is like sucked orange, and then has the
assurance to answer his own question by saying,
Because neither of them worth squeezing"
Sir exclaimed an excited Radical, 'if the
rebels are going to be allowed to rule over US,
then the blood of the colored substitute for whom
I paid three hundred dollars, was shed in vain
in vainr'
sharp old gentleman travelling out West got
a seat beside his wife in a crowded car, by re-
questing the young man who sat by her to please
watch that woman while he went in another car
as she had fits.
A man short distance out from the city says
no one need tell him that advertising won't cause
big rush, for he advertised ten bushels of grapes
for sale and next morning there wasn't one left
the boys stole them all.
A spiritualst says the moving power of man is
spirit, (which is prodgously prolific in power
fully absorbent and profound combinations of
matter into weird, fantastic and heterogeneous
shapes of materialistic corporations"
my dear" said husband to his affectionate
better half after little squabble, you'll certain
ly never be permitted to go to heaven
why not?'
Because you will be wanted as a tormentor
below"
A certain farmer had a fine field of wheat, and,
being little late, was threatened with an early
frost. In the emergency he went into his closet
and wrested in prayer with the Lord for its pres
ervation In his prayer he stated the facts fully,
and how the wheat would be affected by the frost,
and wound up his petition in these words IN OF,
Lord, that would dictate, but merely recon-
mend and advise
On the occasion of terrible shipwreck, when
all the efforts ofthe captain and crew seemed I'M
availing to avert the coming fate, an old lady
went up to the skipper, wringing her hands IN
desperation, and exclaiming:
.'Oh, captain are we really in dangerW
''Y es, ma; am answered he, 1--WE must trust In
Providence now
Good Godr' was the pious rejoinder, "has it
come to that?
SAL" exclaimed Ebenezer to his dearly be-
loved when he arrived at Gotham with his bride
on wedding tour. 'Sal, get on your Sunday
go-to-meetings and things, and let's take perpen-
dicular promenade round the prejuncts of this
OrincipalitV
"Well, Zeb," replied the fair one ''rll do
nothing shorter. But can't you say your gram
mar and college edifcatons2 you want me to
slather round, and take trot with you, why in
the sailed Jerusalem don't you say so ?''
A new contributor is furnishing museum with
curiosities; but to complete it he finds that
few articles are wanted.
A toe from the foot of ladder
A hair from the head of flight Of stairs.
The person who heard the bark of tree
The conveyance in which the man came to 6
conclusion.
A tombstone from the grave of dead language
Two legs from time table.
Two of the seed of discord.
A piece of the thread of a narrative.
The gallows on which the heavens were hung
with clouds
The relation which the Southern States hold tC
the Union is aptly illustrated by the following
anecdOte
In Inc Ola nuSn IlfneS passenger on 8 rlVel
boat accosted a little negro boy with an inquiry
usual at that day:
who do you belong to ~
Don't know, sir" answered the boy.
why don't you knowY'
"When [ come aboard I b'longs to Massa San
White, but he went me last night on two little
par, and de clerk of dis boat win me- Den Do
Sniff he beat de clerk on bluff, an he had me
last, so carn't tell, sir, who [ b'longs to till de
gameclose.'
The Omaha Herald tells the following story
Joe Socialism, a Pawnee Indian was sued fol-