The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1867-02-07

puttv and varnfsh.
We think the following among the best

We think the following among the best
Of the productions Of Artemus Ward:
When a man Gums to the konklusion that
he would like to kill sum boldly at thirty
PAGES, he imagines that he haz bin wronged,
and sends biz best friend o challenge to
ite a dewell /; tina meet; an elegant murder
Is committeds the cracks in this transak-
ton are puttyed up, and then vanished
over, bi being called " an affair ov honor"
When q man robs q savings bank, or
goes tew urope or the last steamer, win
the stolen receipts ov a sanitary kommittee
in his pocket, a kommittee ov investigation
are got together to examine the stait OF
aft ,irs and unanimously report o DIS
krepansy In his account" 2 young men
hire a horse and buggy at q livri stsoie,
and 20 into the kuntry on Sunda. Ihey
stou at the first tavern they meet, ana ~
vest in some ardent speerits. The more
tina biste in the more they drive, till ol ana
hi a deyilish bridge tips them over INTO a
deyilish gutter that sumbody has lei bI the
side oy the road, and they are awl killed, III,
Gliding the horse and buggy. This IS called
a "fatal aksident."
A man and his wife are living in the
middle of Joy and co~nsolashun' Una are
surrounded on awl sides by a ynng ana IN
teresting familee, their bread is cut ,hin'
and buttered on both sides and the edges
but the destroyer enters the family. One
word bring on another till tina tte, ootn 0,
them lose all the hair in their heds ana z
fnll sets of false teeth, the thing ends In a
divorce, the man runs ava tew Australia
Inv the overland route, the woman marrys
a cirkus rider at 40 dollars a month, the
children are adopted bi sum sunday
school, and are brought up on homeopathy.
This furnishes a collum and a half in the
newspapers under the he'd ov "Disturo-
ance oy the married r%elashun."
A youth of 81 summers begins lie with
36 thousand dollars. Several hosses be-
long tew him, there are several fast wlm-
men that he belongs tew, all the tavern
keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are
built for his amusement, consolidated lot
terys are chartered on purpos tew make
him feel good. He wakes up about the
25th of next May, without a dollar in his
nocket. and a host of warm friends on hiz
hands, without any visible means OF sup
porting them. He takes an akount ov
stock, he buys q pint ov rum and yards
ov bed cord, the n makes him timber
while the other makes him stiff. The
putty and varnish in this kase is: Driven
to desperashun on account Of finanshul
pressure"
A ralerode trane stands snorting in front
ov the depoe, the last bel il ringing, the
kars are full ov souls that belong tew. diff
ferent individuals, the konductor IL full OF
Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the
engineer labors under an attack oy ia
maka for the bronketis, the switchman
likes a leetle good old rye, the kars dis
count As miles a hour, 2 traines tri to pass
each other on the same track, it KANT be
did suckcessively the mangled and ded
are kounted by scores, a searching investl-
gashun takes place, the community IL sat-
isied, because it was "a unavoidable ka-
tastrophe." The devil furnishes putty and
varnish free ov expense, tew hide the frauds
and gilt of men.
All of which is respectfully committed
by ARTEMus WARD.