New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1867-10-25
A YANKEE IN THE ORIENT
POErICAL HUMBUGGERY.

When / think how | have been swindled by
books Of Oriental travel want Tourist for break
fast. Tor years and years have dreamed of the
wonders of the Turkish bath; for years and years
have promised myself that would yet enjoy one
Many and many time, in fancy.I have lain in the
marble BATH and breathed the slumbrous fragrance
Of eastern spices that filed the AIR; then passed
through weird and complicated system OF pulling
and hauling and drenching and serubbins, by
gang of naked savages who loomed vast and
vaguely through the stenming mists, IKE demons
then rested for q while on divan lit Tor
King; then passed through another complex ordeal
and one moro fearful than the first; and finally
swahed in soft fabrics, was conveyed to princely
saloon and laid upon bed of elder down, where eu-
nuchs, gorgeous of costume, famed me while I
drowsed and dreamed. or cOntentedly gazed at tho
rich hangngs Of the apartment the soft carpets the
sumptuous furniture the pictures; and drank deli
cious coffee. smoked the soothing narghali, and
dropped at the last, into tranquil repose lulled by
sensuous odors from unseen censor, by the gentle
influence of the narghil's Persian tobacco, and by
the music of fountains that counterfeted the patter
ing of Summer rain. rtr
That was the picture Just as got II from incen-
diary books of travel IL was q poor miserable
fraud. The reality is no more Ike 1t than the FIVE
Points are like the Garden OF Eden. They received
gre N COnrt, paNen Win marble kIdDS.
it were broad galleries. one above another, carpeted
with seedy mating. rallied with Imprinted balus-
trades. and furnished with lingo, rickety chairs,
cushioned with rusty Old mattresses Indented wltn
erations Of men who had repoSed upon them. The
place was vast, naked, dreary-its court barn, Its
galleries stalls for human horses The cadayerons.
half-nude varlets that served in ths establishment
had nothing of poetry IN their appearance nothing
Of romance, notlingof Oriental splendor. They shed
no enhancing OdOrs-jnst the contrary. Their
hungry ewes and their lank forms continually sug-
restcd one glsring unsentimental fact-they wanted
a square meal"
uncl;an staryeling wrapped a gaudy table-cloth
about my lOns. and hung white rag over my shOnl-
ders II had had q tub then, IL would have come
natural to me to take IN washing. | was then con-
Quoted down stairs into tho wet slippery court. and
che first things that attracted my attention were my
heels. Ny fall excited no comment. They expected
il, doubt. 1t belonged IN the list OF sottenlng,
sensuous Influences peculiar to this home Of eastern
Injury. IL wGs softenng enough certainly, but Its
application was not happy. They now gave me
pair of wooden clOgs-benches in miniature, WIN
leather straps over them to conine my feet (which
they would have done, only do not wear No. ISL
These things dangled uncomtorabiy by the straps
and unexpected places when put them ON the floor
again, and sometimes turned sideways and wrenched
my ankles out Of oins However it was all Oriental
luxury and did what could TO enjoy it.
They put me in another part of the barn and laid
me on stutiy sort of pallet which was not made OF
cloth of gold or Persian shawls but was merely the
quarters of Arkansas. There was nothing whatever
in this dim marble prison but five more OF these beTs
Ii was very solemn place. L expected That the
spiced odors Of Araby were going to stea over my
senses now but they did MT. copper-cOlored ske-
eton with q rag around him. brought me glass de-
canter of water with Il lighted tobrcco pipe IN the
top of it, aud plant stem yard long with brass
mOutl-piecc to it. Ii was the famous narghll' OF
the East-the thing the Grand Turk smokes ia the
pictures. This began to look like luxury. took one
blast at IT, and 1t was sufficient. The smoke all went
l. -, hegl IN l.tV
through my nose. IL had vile taste and the taste
OF a thousand midel tongues that remained on that
brass nouth-piece was vier still was getting dls,
couraged Whenever hereafter SEQ the crOSs-legged
Grand Turk smoking his narghli in pretended bhss;
on the outside of paper OF Connecticut tobacco 1
shall know him for the shameless humbng he Is;
This prison was filled with hot air. When had
got warmed up sufficiently 10 prepare me for still
warmer temperature, they took me where 1t was
into a marble room, wet slippery, and steamy, ana
laid me out on "a raised platform IN the center. III
was very warm. Presently my man sat me down by
"A tank Of hot water. dTenched me well. glOyed his
hand with n coarse milton, and began to polish mo
all over with IT, began 10 smell disagreeabiy. The
more he polished, the worse ! smelt. lt was alarm
ing said To him " perceive that anl pretty far
gone 1t is plain that | Ought to be buried without
any unnecessary delay. Perhaps you bad better 90
after my friends at once. because the weather Is
warm and | cannot keep long" He went on
scrubbing, and paid no attention. soon saw that
ten and from under it rolled little cylinders, Ike
maccaroni. 1t could not be dirt for it was too
He pared me down IN IllS way lOr iOhg time.
Finally said Ii is tedious process; it will take
hours 10 trim mo TO the size you want me. Will
wait; 20 and borrow jaek-plane" he paid no at
tention at all.
After while he brought BASIN some soap, and
something that seemed 10 be the tail of horse. BE
made up prodig ious quantity Of soap-suds aeluged
me with them from head 10 foot without warning mo
10 shut NV eyes and then swabbed me yicOuSv with
the horse-tail. Then he left me there a statue Of
snowy lathrr and went away. When ! got tired of
waiting, went and hunted him mp. He was propped
against the wall in another room. asleep | woke
him. lie was not Disconnected. He took me back
and flooded me with exhausing hot water then tur-
baned my head, swathed me with dry tabe-clOths,
and conducted mo To a lattlced chicken-coOp in one
of the galleries and pointed TO one of those Arkansas
beds. | mounted II, and vaguely expected the odors
)f Araby again They did not come. The blank,
unOrnamentcd coop had nothing about IL of that
Oriental yOluptuousness one reads of so much. IL
was more suggestive of the county hospital than
anything else. The skinny seryitor brought mar
Chill. and | got him to take it ont again without
world renowned Turkish coffee that poets have sung
so rapturouslY for many generations. and sliced
upon 10 as the last hope that was left of my old
dreams of Eastern luxury. Ii was another swinde.
OF all the uuchrstan beverages that ever passed my
lips Turkish coffee IL the worst. The cup Is small IL
h smeared with grounds the coffee Is black, thick,
unsayory of smell, and execrabe in taste. The bot
tom Of the cup has muddy sediment IN IL half an
inch deep. This goes down your throat and portions
OF il lodge 10y the way and produce tickling aggra
yation that keeps you barking and coughing for an
hour.
Hero endeth my experience of the celebrated
Turkish BATH and here also endeth my dream of the
bliss the mortal revels in who passes through It, It
is n mali gnant swnde. The man who enjoys il is
qualified to enjoy ANYTHING that is repusive to sight
sense. and he that can invest il with the charm of
poetry is able to do the same with anything else in
the world that is tedious, and wretched and dismal
and nasty.
As for the Dancing Dervishes they are delusion
and folly. They are pack OF miserable lunatics in
long robes, who spin round and round, and round,
with closed eyes and arms elevated and extended,
and look ridiculous t is possible for any Crea-
ture TO look. They keep time to u catorwauling Of
barbarOus Instruments and more barbarOus human
voices. and travellers call the stupid performance add
its Infamous accompannnents impressive So