Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-03-21
FUN, FACTS, AND FACETIE.

nun, but you can't say az much OF nothing
for dinner.
WHEN is butter like Irish children
When it is made into little Pats.
MARRIAGE changes the current Of q
mans feelings 1t also changes his cur
rency.
THERE is current belief that a
wolf is never so dangerous as when he feels
sheepish.
WHY are painful toes and an oak
similar in origin? Because they both spring
from acorn.
Why are milkmen like Pharaoh's
daughter! Because they find little profit
in the water.
WHAT axles ON railroad train are
most likely to be broken? The tender axles,
of course.
81 HAVE not loved lightly" as the
fellow said when he married widow weigh
ing three hundred pounds.
EAST TENNESSEE has a tombstone
whereon is inscribed the following epitaph
"She lived life of virtue, and died of the
cholera-morbus, caused by eating green
fruit, in the full hope of blessed immortal
ity, at the early age of twenty-four. Reader.
go thou and do likewise.
Cur a dogs tail short, and he can't
wag it. ''Brevity is the soul OF wit, but
not of waggery.
ADVERSELY has ever been consider
ed as the state III which man most easily
becomes acquainted with himself-particu-
larly being free from fiatterers.
Why canot deaf man be legally
convicted2 Because it is not lawful to con-
denim man without hearing.
WHY talk about Lot sleeping d
wink, when people in their sleep never
wink?
NATURE, when she makes a beauti-
full head, is often so absorbed with admira-
ton of her own work that she forgets the
brains.
He who pokes his nose in every
where will sometimes poke it between a
thumb and fore-fnger.
FACTS should always be stated in
black and white. ANY thing writtea in red
ink, of course is incredible.
WHICH is the strongest day of the
seven? Sunday, because the others are week
days.
IF mans wife is well bred he
won't need any but-her
WHAT is the greatest virtue in
sea captain? Wrecklessness.
Why is kiss like a rumor? Be.
cause it goes from mouth to mouth.
THIRTEEN objections were once Civ
en- by young lady for declining match
the first twelve being the suitors twelve
children, and the thirteenth the suitor him
self.
PUNCH says women first resorted to
tight lacing to prove to men how well they
could bear tight squeezing.
TESTIMONY is like an arrow shot
from long-bow the force of it depends
on the strength of the hand that draws it,
ARGUMENT is like an arrow from cross
bow, which has equal force, though shot By
a child.
TINE, patience, and industry are
the three grand masters of the world
LITTLE Sallie was teaching her
younger brother the Lords Prayer They
went on smoothly till they arrived at give
us our daily bread"
"No, no, Sissy-we want cake!" and he
refused to proceed until the desired amend
ment was made,
"MY Good Fellow" said ole mau
to another, clapping him on the shoulder
Won ORC ono of tba man rya raad afi''
How so?" inquired the other, "whero
did you read of me-"
I'm the police report
4 TEACHER of vocal music asked
an old lady if her grandson had any ear foT
music.
"Wa'al, said the old woman, 81 rahly
don't no won't YOU just take the candle
and see 2"
j. B. WAS stingy old creature.
eager for money; but he was Jealous mem
Der of a church, and ostentatious in his re
Ggious exercises. John" said Catherine
te her brother, What could have made
that stingy old wretch q Christian ?" ~
can tell you" said John che read that tue
streets of the New Jerusalem is paved with
gold, and he is determined to get there, "
The road ambition travels is toe
marrow for friendship, too crooked Tor love,
too rugged for honesty, and too dark for
science.
A YOUNG top about starting down
to New Orleans proposed to purchase lfe
preserver. "Oh, you'll not want it" sug-
gested the clerk, bags of wind won't sink.
A FELLOW married a termagant
who drove him to desperation and finally %
death, just before dying, he requested
friend to have the following inscription up
OIL his tomb; "Slain by iaw-bone"
FLATTERY sits in the parlor, while
plain dealing is kicked out of doors.