The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1867-08-07


The blessings that never were bought or sold
And centre there, are better than gold.
An old maid is like an old boot-of no use
without fellow.
Josh Billings says: MARRYING for love
may be little risky, but it is so honest that
God kant but smile at it,
A little girl hearing the remark that all
people had once been children, artlessly en-
quired: 'sWho took care of the babies?"
"I'addy. why don't you get your ears crop
ped? they are entirely too long for man"
"Andyours replied Pat sought to be length
ened they are too short for MULE
Amos Lawrence. of Boston, kept record
during long life, of his mercantile acquain-
tance and found out that of every hundred
who entered business, ninety -seven failed of
success
A tipsy Irishman leaning against lamp
post as funeral was passing by was asked
who was dead. II can't exactly say, sir"
said he, s'but presume it's the gentleman in
the coffin"
fyour sister, while tenderly engaged in a
tender conversation with her tender sweet
heart, asks you to bring glass Of water from
an adjoining room you can start on the en-
rand but you need not return. You will not
be missed-that's certain we've seen it tried.
Don't forget this, little boys.
In the examination of an Irish case for as
sault and battery, counsel, on cross examining
the witness, asked him what he had at the
first place he stopped He answered: "Four
glasses of ale 3sWhat next ?" 'Two glasses
Of wine" ssWhat next 7" Four glasses Of
brandy?" 'sWhat next :" GA fight Of course. !"
An irascible old gentleman was taken with
sneezing in the cars lately After sneezing
in the most spasmodic manner eight times, he
arrested the paroxysm for moment aud ex
Treating his handkerchief, he thus addressed
his nasal organ, Indignantly saying, 20, go
on, go on-youll blow your internal brains
out presently
sMy dear boy" said a young lady to pre-
cious youth Of eighteen, "does your father
design that you should tread the thorny and
intricate path of profession, the straight and
narrow way of the ministry, or revel in the
Aowery field of literature!"
'No marin, dad says he's gwine to set me
to work in the later patch"
81 say, you Sam. Johnsing, does you know
anything about the woman Polly Ticks, dat
white people talk SO much about p
t.WeH. [ doesn't You are too hard for dis
child dis time"
"Why, Sam, tort you knowed eberyting."
$50 [ doz l knows Polly Jones, what
sells coffee in the vegetable market and
knows Polly Tomson, what does gwyn
out to days work up in Canal street; but
when it comes to Polly Ticks, I'm bodered.
Guess you'd better ak white folks, Pete; dey
peer to know all about her"
A clergyman who enjoys the substantial
benefits Of fine farm, was slightly taken down
few days ago by his Irish plowman who was
sitting at his pillow, in tobacco field, resting
his horse. The reverend gentleman, being
an economist, said, with great seriousness:
"John, wouldn't it be a good plan for you
to have stub scythc here an be cutting
few bushes along the fence while the horse is
resting short time.
John with quite as serious countenance
as the divine wore himself, said
"Wouldn't it be well, sir, for you to have
tub Of potatoes in the pulpit, and when they
are singing, peal EN- awhile to be ready for the
pot.
A wealthy Frenchman, who lately commit
ted suicide. left the following, scrawled on a
bit of paper.
"a life stupid, but strawn with enchant-
ments harpies conspiring against your purse;
a thousand vain pretensions sustained badly
and necessarily; conversation with listeners
who bore you to death. Equipages, lacqueys,
carriages innumerable, uniforms of all colors,
with swords nearly always innocent of battle
woman pretentious and tattling; literary peo-
pie, vain and destitute Of talent contempt |
secret embarrassments, restaurants and hotels |
enormously dear fraudulent and tricky bust
ness transactions. Lies at discretion; pig
headed lawyers; snares of all descriptions;
mud and dust. Invalids of all |
classes breasts covered with decorations no.
blemen with contraband titles; Discrimination
everywhere. From my point of view, such is
Paris-or, rather, hell [ have had enough of |
it, and l abandon it for eternity"
ADAM DEFENDED.-You must remember
that Eve was young lady of great personal
attractions, belonging to the first family Not
being given to flirting, nor fashion, nor, in
short, to any Of the modern female follies,
she had, doubtless, bestowed much thought
upon the subject of the forbidden fruit. HAY
ing considered it well she came to the conclu.
sion that she would not give Adam for Para
disc unless she could know something about
how she was enjoying herself The moment
4 woman makes up her mind to do thing,
that thing is half done. Accordingly, Eve
selected proper apple, and asked Adam to
DIN her in eating it She was the wife of
lis bosom--the joy Of his heart-the apple of ,
lis eye-his darling little honey bug; pure
IS fake of descending Snow, and as beauti-
ul as an angels dream. How could he re-
use her.anything? He couldn' and he didn't;
md L, for one, have never blamed him since I
fell IN love with red headed girl atschool F
No doubt it is quite disagreeable to be damn il
ID; but if christianity had to be subjected to e
UGH text, you would never find sure '
nNu0h man in heaven Yuhn Dam, g