The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1867-08-02

He TrIes MS Hand on the Weather
1.-The Result.
FTOm the CineiHHdh 7Hnes.
A stranger came into our sanctum
| this morning, a well-meRniDg, tnno-
cent looking individual, who stated
that ne WAS detained in town few
hours, and wanted to while away his
time by reading the newspapers: He
said, although he was poor, he dida't
believe in getting something for moth
ing. ~ can't pay money" he said,
| with touching melancholy, "in return
for discommoding you and FOR the
the privilege of looking over your eS-
changes; but if there is any way in
which L can recompense you-work my
way, az II were-I will cheertully do
it,"
We told him he was welcome to read
| the papers; but he sturdily insisted
upon doing something for us In return,
| and said, unless he could do it. he
should be reluctantly compelled to bid
us very good morning.
| 'Now !" said this singular stranger,
''if L could sweep out your office, or
split kindling wood for you, or help
| you edit -"
handed, and the weather had produced
its naturally languid effect upon us, SO
that we felt a repugnance to labor-be-
sides, here was Independence In pow
erty, which we admired. we then told
him he might assist us in editing"
aud suggested that ne give US an aEn- III.
Gle upon the present hot weather. HIS
face frightened up at once, and oor-
rowing a lead pencil OF US lhis land
| lord, he said, had taken his for his
board). he sat down to the task. We
advised him TO lay off his coat, which
was buttoned up to the throat, and
wooden, intended originally for the
winter months, although thin enough
/ for the equator-at the elbows; but he
declined with such precipitation that
we fear the poor fellow hadn't any
shirt on. He said he never edited be-
fore, but he knew he could do 1t.
After several hours of sweltering
toll, during which he tainted number
OF times from the heat, and was re-
vived by the office boy (who believed
him to be an impostor), going to the
head of the concern and "blowing" on
him. he produced the following article
on the weather. We give it as he wrote
it, merely taking the liberty of insert
ing few explanatory sentences i'll
parenthesis.:
HOT WEATHER.
Hot weather is owing in measure to
the great number OF thermometers that
are manufactured ut this season OF the
year. II we didn't have so many ther-
mometers it wouldn't be so hot, least
know a man who thought the weather
WAS cool and saIubrious until, in an
evil hour, he listened to the solicitations
of his daughters, who were getting
stuck up. and wanted thermometer,
and so he bought one. Tue next day
he had sunstroke. Thermometers
ought to be abolished by act of Con-
gress. Look at the Arctic regions.
The Arclics don't have any thermome-
ters. WHATS the consequence They
don't have any hot weather. (Drowsy
with :he heat, the able writer had to be
aroused with heavy blow from FAM
Hot weather occurs in the summer Tor
the most part, except in sections where
they don't have any, and then 1t comes
in the winter. Its principal produc-
Iions are Fourth of July, wilted collars,
lemonade, sunstroke, ice-cream, bowel
complaint, ,watermelOns, awnings, linen
coats, hydrophobiH, bathing tubs, straw
hats, Precipitation, watering places, sun
umbrellas, mint juleps, steamboat ex-
cursIons, long days, hot nights, street
SDrinklsrs, beer gardens, dizziness IN
trade, heavy washing bills, low water.
depression of spirits, mosquitoes, and
the closing OF the schools. He wentto
sleep again, but WIS revived by drench-
ing him with several buckets of water.
Arousing himself with tremendous
effort, he began once more1.
Hot weather is n very old institution,
old as the world, nearly. Adam and
Eve stayed in the Garden OF Eden until
II got too hot to hold them, and they
were dressed for warm latitude, too,
according to all reports. Eve gets the
credit for 1t. Many wives seem to in
heriL that unhappy temperament, ana
max Q their homes too hot TO hold their
lords. (We suspectth the unhappy
stranger is suffering from "hot weather"
ut home, hence his wanderings. We
order an application of warm ice to his
head, and he proceeds.)
II is easy enough to write about hot
weather when there are others to whom
these things of which the heat at the
the same time. tFhe excessive heat is
affecting his reason. He must wind up
soon.) How singular it is that folks
don't keep cool! What is winter for
except to allow the people TO get cool,
but with the improvidence of the race
they won't Keep it, L am like all the
rest. There has been a cOoLnesS exist
ing between myself and all my rela-
find it oozing onti perspiration--
1 feel as if was standing on thermom-
sters sixty feet high--hot weather,
as l said beEore-Im baking-Oh,
that 1 was windmill-when i say
that hot weather, of which-i'm
broiled-I'm almost cooked-hot
wea- I'm doMe!"
The rash and unfortunate stranger,
whose honorable instincts would not
permit him to receive something for
nothing, and who wanted to "work his
way" and who rashly attempted to
write an article on hot weather, with
the thermometer at its present high
standing in society, became utterly
prostrated at this point, and was laid
away in n back room until he RECEIVERS
andis identified. Any friends OF his
can have him by calling at this office,
proving property and paying for this
notice.