Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1867-04-09
QMadrGts.

Ashley reduced to Ashes results In ley.
Here's to internal Improvements, as the
bow said when he took dose OF salts.
Not long since we saw view of Cairo on
lamp-shade. 1t was truly Calro-scene lamp
This. we must remember, is the fall season,
said Mr.. Qulp, as he gracefully bumped MI
nose on the ice.
Diggory says he always respects old age. ex
cept when some one sticks him with pair o
tough chickens.
What's the difference between a pound O
meat and drummer-boy? One weighs pouno
and the other pounds away.
An enthusiastic architect, having received al
order to build summer house, wishes to con-
tract for load Of sun-beams.
A Young physician asked permission OF la
DIV to kiss her. she replied 'No sir, never
ike to have DR.. S bill thrust in my face. .
A Democratic paper gets off the following
Good nun: High up in the Senate may be
read in living characters, Ben Wade and found
wanting.
An Indiana paper gets off the following: "A
loye-sick sucker sends us some doggerel to print
Respectfully declined Go and tell the.gal thai
you are fool, without letting everybody else
know it.
A drunken fellow, sitting on the steps OF a
church in Boston, the cold wind blowing chill
lingly round the corner IF heaven (hic) tenn
pers the wind to the (hic) shorn lamb, wish
the lamb (hic) was on this corner.
A gentleman was walked in the night, and
told that his wife was dead. He turned over
drew the coverlid closer, pulled down his night
cap, and muttered as he went to sleep again
'Ah how grieved [ shall be in the morning!
Sumner declares that ''if New England can
not get cotton to manufacture, she can turn hel
attention to raising hemp which is good bust
ness" Yes, it would be an excellent business
for our country, if it would raise him about 6
foot and half from the ground.
''Boss, [ want twenty-five cents, ,: said joul
printer recently to his employer. Twenty five
cents how soon do you want it, Jake? Mex
Tuesday week. AS soon as that? You can
get it. I've told you so often that when yor
were in want of so large sum Of money, yor
must give me at least four weeks notice"
A poet has undertaken to immortalize a re
cent boat calamity on Oil Creek. The fol
lowing melancholy stanza tells the whole story
She heaved and sot, and sot and heaved,
And high her rudder flung;
And every time she heaved and sot
A worSer leak she sprung"
A certain minister, going to visit one of hi.
sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested
during the night. ''Oh, wondrous i'll, sir, re
piled he, for mine eyes have not come togeth
er these three nights"
"What is the reason of that ?" said the min
ister
ALAS! sir, because my nose was betwixt the
two"
''Pray, madam, what do you charge for re-
covering an umbrella ?" said Patrick O Flaher
ty, from Tpperary, the other day, walking in
10 an umbrella shop.
Let me see it, was the response.
''Ah, faith, that is jist what want to do me
silf I've lost one and [ see you offer to re-cov
er them at small charge; SO Twas just thinking
Id git We to recover mine.
In the days of the Patriarchs, woman con
duct was the index of her heart. When, fol
example, the father of Rebekah asked her if she
would go with the servant of Isaac, she replied
at once, Il will go!" Had she been daugh
ter Of the nineteenth century, she would have
answered, ''Oh, pshaw 60 with him? Why
Mr. Isaac must be sick Go with him? O
course won't!" And then-she would have
gone with him