Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1867-12-12
Obio Statesman.
Q oCuringa Cold.

Ha naaaH -
Mark Twain gives his experience in
curing cold. in SO quaint and unique a
style that we copy it in full for the BEN
eft of our readers: - ID
1t is good thing, perhaps. to write
for the amusement of the public, but it
is far higher and nobler thing to write
for their instruction, their profit, their
actual and tangible benefit The latter
is the sole object of this article. If it
proves a means of restoring to health
one solitary sufferer among my race, of
Tightening up once more the fire of hope
and joy in his faded eyes, of bringing
back to his dark, dark heart again the
quick, generous impulses of other days.
| shall be amply rewarded for my labor;
my soul will be filled with the sacred
delight Christian feels when he has
done good, unselfsh deed. .7- ~
Having led pure and blameless life,
| am justified in believing that no man
who knows me will reject the suggestions
am about to make, out of fear that i
am trying to deceive him. Let the pub
lie do itself the honor to read my ex-
perience in doctoring cold as herein set
forth, and then follow in my footsteps.
When the White House was burned,
in Virginia, I lost my home, my happi-
ness, my constitution, and my trunk.
The loss Of the two Jfrst-named articles
was a matter of no great consequence,
since a home without a mother, sister or
a distant young female relative in it to
remind you, by putting your soiled linen
out of sight, and taking your boots down
off the mantlepiece, that there are those
who think about you, and care for you,
is easily obtained. And care nothing
for the loss of my happiness, because,
not being poet, it could not be possible
that melancholy would abide with me
long. ja3 YN 5@J
But to lose a good, constitution and
better trunk were two serious misfor-
times. a ia'ss - s7se - a 4
On the day of the IRE my constitution
succumbed to severe cold, caused by
undue exertion in getting ready to do
something. Il suffered to no purpose,
too, because the plan I was figuring at
for the extinguishing of the fire was so
elaborate that I never got it completed
until the middle of the following week.
The first time I began to sneeze,
friend told me to go and bathe my feet
in hot water and go to bed. 1 did so.
Shortly afterward another friend advis-
ed me to get up and take cold shower
bath. 1 did that also. Within an hour
another friend assured me that it was
policy to s.feed a cold and starve fe.
ver." / had both. So thought it best
to fill myself up for cold and then keep
dark and let the fever starve awhile.
In cases of this kind 1 seldom do
things by halves; / ate pretty heartily Il
l conferred my custom upon stranger
who had just opened his restaurant that
morning; he waited near me in respect
full silence until I had finished feeding
my cold, and when he asked if people
about Virginia were much afflicted with
colds, he then went out and took in his
sign. I started down toward the sofice,
and on the way encountered another bo
som friend, who told me that a quart of
salt water taken warm would come as
near curing cold as anything in the
world. I hardly thought 1 had room for
it, but tried anyhow. The result was
surprising 1 believe + threw up my i'm
mortal soul. se.is T. '2i'- -. 20 .,
Now, as I am giving my experience
only for the benefit of those who are
troubled with the distemper I am writ
ing about, / feel that they will see the
propriety ofmy cautioning them against
following such portions of it as proved
sufficient with me, and acting upon this
conviction, l warn them against warm
salt water. 1t may be good enough rem
edy, but / think it is too severe. If ]
had another cold in my head, and there
we're no course left me but to take either
an earthquake or a quart of warm salt
wafer; L would take my chances Oh the
earthquake, ~. 5i.'i sa IS - ,'.i ,.,s :. 3. g,
After the storm which had been rag
ing in my stomach had subsidized, and no
more good Samaritans happening along,
l went on borrowing handkerchiefs
again and again, and blowing them to
atoms, as had been my custom in the
early stages Of my cold, until I came
across lady who had just arrived from
over the plains, land who said she had
lived ina part of the country where doc
tors were very scarce. and from neces-
sity acquired considerable skill in the
treatment of simple |" family COM
plants" I knew she must have had
considerable experience, for she ap-
peared to be one hundred and fifty years
old. --xss.1 II. ~ s..- ~ -
She mixed a decoction composed of
molasses, aquafortis, turpentine, and va
rious other drugs, and instructed me to
take wineglassfull of it every fifteen
minutes. l took but one dose; that was
enough; it robbed me of all moral prin-
ciple, and awoke every unworthy inn
pulse of my nature. Under its malign
influence my brain conceived miracles of
meanness, but my hands were too feeble
to execute them. At that time, had it
not been that my strength had surren-
dered to succession of assaults from
infallible remedies for my cold, / am
satisfied that would have tried to- rob
the graveyard.
Like most other people, often feel
mean, and act accordingly; but until l
took that medicine I had never revelled
in such supernatural depravity and felt
proud of it.
At the end OF two days I was ready to
go to doctoring again. took a few
more unfailing remedies, and finally
drove my cold from my head to my
lungs. 1 got to coughing incessantly,
and my voice fell below zero; convers-
ed in a laundering bass, two octaves be-
low my natural tone; could only COM
pass my nightly repose by coughing
myself down to state of utter exhaus-
tion, and then the very moment that |
began to talk in my sleep, my discordant