Wyoming democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, 1867-09-18
-7IDATEs--DRY PLATFORM

"~platform built by the late RADICAL
lTention for this County, upon which to
run their candidates, when viewed in con-
nection, with the candidates themselves,
must, to those not acquainted with the cir
stances, be an enigma. A strange piece
of ipolitico-prohibito-rumjug-glery; by
which those opposed to whiskey, are to 60
for the platform and the candidates, and
those in favor of whiskey are to go for the
candidates and the platform. 1t would be
unjust in US to intimate that there is any
Tick, any guile 10 these "decent and moral
men. The explanation Of this political
paradox dry platform for wet candi-
dates is this
The rascally rum-sucking RAIDS, had
control of the convention against all com
ers--including snaiks. Hence on the FIRST
ballot they pitched the pot.bellied parson,
the very apostle of prohibition, overheard,
and he, literally "went down into the wa
ter" Mace, another templar, was made
to walk the plank, or fguratiycly speaking
to take to water too. Ziba--good easy soull
who loves to see his friends wet their
whistles with the beverage of their choice
was the man for them. Then came the
Co. Commissioner, Daniel the 1st, who
lives too near a drugstore not to know that
three scruples make one dram--and has
no scruples whep drains are to be had
By simple rule in addition, he turns
them into drains and thcn--he turns the
drains into-DanieL Uncle Harry, like
almost everybody else in his vicinity;
drinks when he's dry, but isn't so severely
affected with drouths as some other men.
DR.. Rhoads keeps and sells some of the
''pure critter"-just for medicinal and me-
chanical purposes, and is out, medically"
so often 'late O. nights that his machine
ry' sometimes gets out of order. Of
co urse he turns on little more steam
No Templar there Then we come TO
Daniel A., who has come up to US from
an age ofhonest whiskey distillers, and is
too old to be afraid of poison now, but is
"awfuT' 'frald of diseases. To keep the
system right, he INDUCES in Jersey treat"
when it's too cold, to keep out the FROST
when it's too warm to keep down the heat.
In the fall, when the air is "agerry"-in
the spring, when the spring fever's around.
and at all times TO fortify the system
against the ravages OF smallpox, wbooping
cough, measles, diptheria, scarletini, ,muups
aud other of the ills which humanity is
heir to-all of which, Daniel don want
to "ketch."
Not man on this platform, ever saw
the inside of Templar's Lodge room
All, have many times in their eventful
lives, snufed the iLspiriting aroma. of the
bar-room, and slipped from the cut-glass
decanters' And now, strangely enough,
they find themselves Oh the dryest plat
form ever gotten up by mortal man!
The way off was this: The Templars,
confident Of success, spent their time in
concocting strong resolutions in favor of a
aoeak beverage. The rumites meanwhile,
were busy treating up voters for their del
egates. The result was, as expressed by
one of the defeated ones, "a triumph for
the ".um-guzzling Republicans" About
the close of the indecent proceedings of
this "decent party" and about The time
Jakey was cooling his rage in the "raging
canawl," the rumites had got very thirsty /;
and before Dick, whose throat had got
pretty husky too, could say amen sine
die, or in any way stop the flow Of "decen =
cy" they were making 2-4o time towards
the taverns and other dispensatories OF
cold poison. This hegira left q hole in
the breeches-sest Of this very decent
party. Hine came to the rescue; and
with caudal apendage of the nethermost
garment sticking out,
| .'And the wind q blowing
they prsam5led that they were "patriotic
and decent" and resolved to put down
king Alcohol.
Dick. dry ss he was, courageously essay
ed to speak, but was hissed down by
tongues, if possible more parched than his.
The good old Elisha who had just got over
his scare from spaiks tried to talk down
the resolutions. The Kissing of the water
loving geese was more terrible to him,
even than adder's tongues He dried up.
and the preamble and resolutions were
passed by an overwhelming majority.
This explains the contradiction between
candidates and platform-A platform
which most if not all of them.spit on and re-
pudiate; AMI which, if not stained with