Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1867-05-03

4
Things Wise 81 Otherwise.
A fashionable party should be called
"daughtercultural show
A young lady must make hit If she
dislikes to be a miss.
Who was the biggest liar In sacred
history2 Go-liah.
How does fellow feel when O wo-
man laughs at him! He fecls--sAe-
griaaed.
AT negro ball, In lieu of "not trans
ferrable," on the ticket, notice was
posted over the door: mo gentlemen
admitted unless he comes hisself.n
Horace Greeley says that the darkest
day In any mans earthly career Is that
wherein he first fancies that there Ii
some easier way of gaining o dollar
than by squarely earning 1t.
A man came home drunk on cold
night aud vomted in a basket contain
ing goslings, which his wife had placed
before the fire, upon seeing which he
exclaimed: my God, wife, when did
l lswallow them things?" H@.
A preacher once approached mis-
chievous boy, and laying hand on his
shoulder, commenced to demonstrate
with him. "My son. said he, 81 be-
lieve the Devil has got hold ofNyou.n--
II think so too,' said the urchin.
A man In Ohio walked on Ice twelve
miles, obtained marriage license,
went back by the same conveyance the
same day, and was married i'm the
evening. Such persistent bride
groom deserves to be "hugged up
warm"
When young man is dependent
upon his daily tolls for his income, and
marries n lady who does not know
how To make loaf of bread or mend "a
garment, wonder If he Is not lacking
somewhere, say toward the top, for i'm
stance.
"An Irish boy, trying hard to geta
place, denied that he was Irish. II
don't know what you mean by not be-
ing an Irishman, but this ! do know
that you were born in Ireland "Och
yer honor, If that's all, small blame,
that. Suppose your old cat had kittens
In the oven, would they be loaves of
bread ?' The boy got the place.
"a happy woman Is not she the
very sparkle and sunshine of life? A
woman who Is happy because she can't
help it--whose smile even the coldest
sprinkle of misfortune cannot dampen.
Men make terrible mistake when
they marry for beauty, for talent or for
style; the sweetest wives are those
who possess the magic secret of being
contented under any circumstances
Rich or poor, high or low, 1t makes no
difference; the bright little fountain of
joy bubbles up-just as musically I'm
their hearts, es
Make the heart right and the man
will be right, the woman will be right,
the child will be right make the men
women and children right aud the
home will be right; make the homes
right and the town and city will be
right; make the towns and cities right
and the States will be right /; mike the
States right and the nations will be
right; make the nations right and the
world will be right!
COULDN'T DO IT.--Judge Parker mar
ried IA couple some time ago, and re-
ceived the statutory sum for such spill
cling. After the ceremony, the BRIDE
groom, white haired, innocent look
ing young man, took the Judge one
side, and asked him If he wouldn't
date the marriage back two months
The Judge shaking his head, said it
was against tile law. "Well,n answer
ed the young man apologetically, II
don't care nothin' about it, but the
girls mother thought I'd better try and
have Ii done.'
Artemus Ward was fond of telegraph
ing, and studied IL for amusement. He
was a very good SENDER Yes, and
one of the best s.sendsp he ever made
was the following When he proposed
going to California to lecture, an enter
prising Yankee, getting wind of the
fact, saw his chance for speculation,
and telegraphed to Artemus lhusly
"What will you take for the first ten
nights?" To which Artemus sent as
a reply, Brandy and water!"
Josh Billings says there Is one cold,
blue, lean kiss, that always makes him
shiver to see. 1.-TWO persons (ov the
female persuasion,) who have wit
messed q crate many moro younger and
more PUPPY daze, meet In some public
place, and not having saw each other
for twenty-four hours, tina kiss imme-
giately--then tha tork about .l,e wealth
er and the young man who preached
yesterday, and tina kiss immegiately,
tha say to each other, and kiss again
immegiately. This kind of kissing OIL
ways puts me In mind ov tew old flints
trying to strike fire.
Hu,pcr's Weekly says: "The amount
of money lost by brokers and others
since the first of January, i'm conse-
quence of the tumble In stocks, would
pay for all the improvements which
New York will require for twenty
years. We can mention instances that
come to our personal knowledge daily,
which would OF themselves astonisiI
the uninitiated public. One popular
and successful author has lost, within
two months, his entire profits upon
three books-the earnings of two years
of toll. A clergyman has nearly inn
poverished himself and family.
A young fellow whose better half
had just presented him with pair OF
bouncing twins, attended church one
Sunday. During the discourse, the
clergyman looked right ut our innocent
friend and said in u tone OF thrilling
eIoquence: "Young man, you have an
important responsibility thrust upon
you" The newly fledgcd dad, suppos-
ing the preacher alluded To his peculiar
home event, considerably startled tho
audience by exclaiming, "Yes have
two of them.n
BIG THING. G.-Deposit one cent I'm
bank, double the amount deposited
weekly for one year-as one cent the
first week, two cents thesecond week,
four cents the third week, and SO on
for fifty-two weeks-what do you think
the amount would be at the end of the
year? urjuvenile has figured II out
and the sum is sufficient to make one
moderately rich-the agppernfn bpinu
only s3,636, l2o, i76, ,io8 .32! OR by tho