The Van Buren press., 1867-11-08

Awalkin' IN the gsrding.
Aud she would tell me stories
uvyou, my swee, and sour tamattuses
She said when mock oranges wuI liule known
Folks used 10 sit you on msntel-pieecs for Orna
ment,
Along with them, and called you
Jerusalem apples.
o tamattuscsl
What makes you SO good and
Sweet and sour, with your red
Checks shinin' among the green
Leves. and lookin' as tempin'
Az you kin Some NV you ix
Smooth, like apple and
Some NV You has kreases in you
Like fat baby's neck
o tamattuses
10 you dream how good you are
With pepper and saltand sumthing
Wet on you, that tastes like most
Up the Kntobba wine we bi,
Wich folks kals vinegar!
When see YOU sliced ap tor down
luv YOU with my whole stummick
What's the reason you wusnt dskuyered
When mi gran muther wuz little gurlg
The world and markitmen hez lost
Money by not fndin' Nv you out sooner
Otama,tuses du yu no yu hev
kaomal in yu, enuf to sallivate
Sum folks that has used kalomal Drs
Too much before diskuvered that
In the person NV my nearde.t
Relatives mouth. my muther:
x You Kin regulate the bowels, too
o Jerusalem apple tamattuses.
Did WI ever liv before the flud:
And when Adam and Eav were little boys
Did you gro on the banks Nv the Knile
When the masterdon used for to cum
Out TO eat grss. with his hind legs .
In tie water Did he turn yu up
With his pondersome snoct and 60 away
And leave you like the Jews abomination,
Called horg, does now.a-daze2 2
That would be hard tn tell
What's the reason no animal eats you,
Except man and chickens and seh
don't kno. Maybeit's the kalomel
The man who first kand you
Deserves to be Emperor Of n Mexico,
Ef it wuz safe
Will there ever be a time
When we can't git any Nv you,
o tamattuses?
Will YOU ever .......
Be lost TO the world like some nv
The ancient arts? Whole families pray, 'No =
But your season will soon be out.
Tamattuses You don't stay long
A fter oysters kums. How sad
You can't agree Good bi,
Ny own, my sweet, my sour.
Ny Jerusalem apple smooth
kreased, be luved tamattuses
The PARsoN's HoRsE.-Beecher' des
cription Of Parson Buel's horse in his sto
ry, Norw ood," is both humorous an(
truthful Who has not seen the reality
The horse was the parsons favorite' Ii,
literally had no faults. He was neve
known to kick, or to bite anything bu
food. Hay constituting his principal food
larger quantity was required than woulc
have been if oats or corn had furnished
more concentrated nourishment in smalle
bulk. Nature, ever kind to hcr creatures
gradually enlarged the barrell of the hors
until his belly was puffed out far beyonc
any requirements of beauty. A large, mil,
and sleepy eye revealed but half the quiet
ness Of his disposition. His legs might b
handled by boys. You might sit dow
safely between his hind legs. There wa
no liberty which you could not take, excep
that Of fast driving. You might pour
bushel of potatoes suddenly upon hi
launches without producing excitement
not, however. because he was liieless, bu
from mere self possession for a peck o
oats IA rarity seldom ventured y at tn
other extremity quickly showed that Their
was life in him.
lie was safe. "Slow and sure was hi
maxim. When the good parson was one
seated in the chaisc, the events were as fol
lows When the self-possessed animal
with his head and neck declining a littl
below the line Of his back, felt the reLs il
the doctors hands, he opened his eyes ant
having been standing on his three legs, tn
fourth crooked up and resting on tho edg
of the hoof, he brought them all squarel
under him, as if saying, 81 am all here
~" Next the doctor pulled both rcins
and they were pulled. Then he lappe,
them both upon his back, with gentl
slap, and pulled one of them with some de
ciSion. The time had come. The hors
started, walked into the road, and then, af
ter several admontions. fell into an cas-,
jog, which satisfied the parsons ambition
Bnt no persuasion could carry that trot uE
the slightest rise in the ground. 1t wa
this habit of stopping early in ascending
and starting again late in descending hill
that secured to this matchless horse lon,
life and immunity from strains. Dr. Buel
innocently told Hiram Beers that he neve
used bottle ointment in his life
ARTEMUs WARD AND THE SPIRITS
When asked If there was any one in tn
spirit land would like to convaise WITH
said if Bill Tompkins, who was onct m,
partner in the show bizness, was sober,
should like to convarse with him few pc
RODS. I" Is the spirit of William Tomp
kins present ?" sed Of tho long haire,
chaps, and there was three knoxs on tn
table. Sez /, William, how goze it
old sweetness q "Pretty ruff, old hoss,