The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1867-02-02
SORROWS OF A LECTURER.

We do rot know the author of the folI
lowing experiences, but we think he will
receive the sympathy of our readers.
For the benefit of a numerous class Of
ambitious men who desire to become leo
turers, send you few items Of my ex-
periepce. / went to Southern Illinois to
.getsiarled as popular lecturer I was ad :
'Hertised under the nom de plane of the
''Fat Contributor" My audience was
small, owing to the public being sudden
ly and severely indisposed. They were
indisposed to come TO the lecture. Nv
audience, in fact, consisted of but one
people. He was gentleman. l began
my discourse: q Gentlemen and ladies. -
but changed it quickly to "Respectedjsirp'
Before l could proceed any further my
audience arose TO his feet as one man. l
inquired the cause of the interruption:
Sir" said he, "ths audience is dis
apr oInted in the size of The lecturer"
~ "Well, my dear sir" said /, ''ihe lee.
turer is also disappointed in the size of
the audience, and if you will rot say
anything about il, will not" ..a,
lie allowed me to proceed, and at the
conclusion was so we'll pleased that he
urged me to stay another night, when he
promised me much larger audience
He wouldn't come himself but would
send his wife who weighed 965 lbs.
didn't stay. ..-.g
have had good deal of money in
the house at one time and another. gener,
ally in the pockets of some wealthy man
in the audience. always come home
with money, however, borrow a little
10 come home with.
1 have had some large house. The
largest house 1 had was at Louisville,
Kentucky. That house must have been
two hundred feet long and ninety feet
wide, while in height it come pretty high
took all the proceeds to pay the rent.
A Louisville editor said a good thing
about me. He laid The ''Fat Contrib.
utor'' lectured last night to small house.
His style resembles Artemus Wards,
but he has not the ease and grace of Ar.
temus before the audience
AS though lecturer could be at ease
before an audience when the audience
didn't pay expensss. AS grace accom-
panies meat. and if there wasn't profit
enough in the house to buy meat, where's
my grace
The fullest house ever l had was al
q Pithole City, in the oil regions. Every
man was full of beer. The lecture went
off very well, notwithstanding. 1t didn't
60 OH as well as my doorkeeper did-he
went off with the receipts. 1
gave two consecutive lectures at Oil
City. At the conclusion of the second
lecture one of the first citizens { the sec
ond edition had not yet arrived, arose
and assured me that had delis hted them
greatly. He said they had not enioyed
themselves so much since the Thayers
were hung. He added that il was the re
qnest of the audience en- ndsse-tbe,e
were i've en- naaSss altogether-that !
should stay another night. The landlord
OF the lan where ! was stopping arose
somewhat hastily. and slated that | could
not stay another .nightwish him unless nv
Dill was guaranteed. Such is oftentimes
: the encouragement which genius receives
atthe hands OF the msrcenarY.
A little town on the Allegheny turned
out well. The principal occupation Of
the inhabitapts vas TO haul oil. Thar
being the only hell they had, 1 Iectured
in the grccery shop. The people turned
out the hgk,s--thsu they turned, Out the
~7r~-SS NC uuA 4AA enough.
They gave me twenty minutes to leave
ths-tqwn: ttold them if they'd make !,
$50 1'dgo. 4>s ai21
~ AT the termination Of the twenty min
utes felt something come up againsI n.
afrOm1behind. Ny first impression was
that it wac an old fashioned leather 90
1isS. Subsequent reflection convinced N.
s twas boot. I shook hands with tbe,,
all with much feeling. told them tEsv.
must excuse me, for / felt that had To-
60. Leaving some v bat hastily, 1 caught
the sound of cheFub voices 10 the grocery
shop, singing in tones of the most pa
thetic inquiry- ,...-.,.
Shall we never more behold thee.
Never hear that winning voice again2
Iysl.ed back that they wouldn't-not
Il could help it. That winning voice,
didn't seem to win the neighborhood.
have tried many agents. They prove
unsatisfactory, with one exception. He
never asked for money. He never allad-
ed to, money but once. Said he TO me
one day, "You don't care for money, do
your No, indeed, said ], al never
saw you have penny 1 honored him
? n these harmless aiGhts Of viz i