davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
THE FAT MAN.

It isn't every day that We encounter =
sketch 80 amusing as the oua subjoncd and
where all parties seem to enjoy the joke
with so good relish. Let the Tesder Pc
ruse for himself
Bridget said lady iu ;, sisy oi
Gotham one morning. az she Z r !. =
noitcring in the kitchen. what a quantity
of soap grease you have got here. We
can get plenty of soap for it, aud We must
man and when he comes along. tel! him |
want to speak to him"
Yes, mum, said Bridget
All that morning Bridget, between each
whiak of her dis hclo,h. kept bright look
out the kitchen window and no moving
creature escaped her watchful gaze. At
last her industry seemed about to be re-
marded. for down The street came large
portly gentleman, fourishing a cane and
looking the very picture Of good humcr.
Sure there's the fat nan now, thought
Bridget and when he was in front of the
house, out she few and informed him
that her mistress wished to speak to him.
Speak TO lie, my girl! replied the old
gentleman.
Yes sir. wants to speak to you. and
says wo1ld you be good enough to walk in
sir
This request, so direct. was not to be
refused. 50 in state of some wonderment,
up the steps went the gentleman, and up
the stairs went Bridget. and knocking At
-, nd
exclaimed:
Fat gintlc,nan's in the parlor, num-
So saying she iust,utly withdrew to the
lower regions.
In the parlor,' thought the lady
What can it mean? Bridget must have
blundored' but down to the parlor she
went. and up rose our fat friend, with his
blandest smilc and most graceful bow.
our servant informed me, madam, that
you would like to speak to me-at your
service madam
Tho mortified mistress saw the state of
the case immediately, and smile wreath
ed itself about her lips in ,4ft1&N> 90, OF
herself, rs she afterwards SAID - -
viii YOU pardon the terrible .~..-.~r' "a /
~
call in the fit nan to take away the grease
whom she saw him, and she made 3 lnis
take, you see.
The jolly fat gentlemsn leaned back in
bis char, and lau !hed such hearty ha
ha hs AS never comes from any Of your
lean gentry.
no apoogj needed madsm. said he.
IT is decidedly the best joke of the aea-
SOD. IIa ha ha 50 she took me for tie
soap grease man. did She It viii keep
me laughing for a month. Such good
iokc.
Aud all up tbs street and round the cor
ner was heard the merry la ha of the
cid gentleman, as he brought down his
cane every uov and then, and exclaimed,
Such a joks"
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
A SPLENDID DESCRIPTION.

On certain occasion one Paul Denton,
Methodist preacher in Texas advertised
q barbecue. With better liquor than is US
ally furnished. When the people assem-
bid desperate il the crowd cried out,
M. Paul Denton. your reverence has lied.
YoT promised not only good barbecue,
but better liquor. Where's the hquor. -
There" answered the missionary, in
tones of thuLder, and pointing his long
bony finger at the matchless double spring,
gushing Up in two strong columns with q
.ound like shout of JOY from the bosom
of the earth There" he repeated.
with look terrible as lightning, while his
enemy actually trenlblcd at bis fest,
there is the liquid which God, the Eter-
ual brews for all his children . Not In
the siumering still, over smoky fires chok-
cd with poisonous gases, aud surrounded
With the stencil of sick"nlng odors and
corruption. doth our Father III heaven pre-
pare the precious essence Of lie, pure cold
water But iu the glade and CLASSY dell,
where the red deer wanders and the child
loy S to play, there God brews it and
down. low down in the deepest valleys,
whore the fountain murmurs aud the rllls
sing; and high UP in the mountain tops
where the naked graulte glittcrs ike gold
in the sun, where storm clouds brood and
the thundcr-storms crash and far out on
the wide, wide sea, where the hurricane
howls music, and the big waves roll the
chorus. sweeping the march Of God
there He brens it, the beverage of life.
health giving water. Ard everywhere ii
is thing of beauty, cleaning IL the dew
drop. singing il the summer-raln, shining
in the ice gem, till they seem turned to
living jewels spreading golden vein
over the setting sun, or white gsuzc
around the midnight moon ; sporting in
the cataract sleeping in the glacier dane
ing in the hail-showor; folding its bright
snow curtains softly around the wlnt'y
vot Id ana weaving the many colored
irisr that soraphs zone Of the sky, whose
wrbp the rain-drops of the esrth, all
checkcrcd oysr with celestial flowers b
the mystic hand of rcfraction-that bless
life u.yer> : poison bubbles on its
rings not madness and
N, II stains is liq.'id glass j;
pa DIh'"i.s'oGa ~,4lying children weep
nothc dl'trik r.s > its depths Speak
outr any fries7 2 ~o.ould you exchange it
for tn. demon~ rink, alcohol ("
skout, liz the roaring of u tempest,
sd en:d NO"
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
SQCELCHTSG 4 RADICAL.

The correspondent of the New York Ex-
press relates, the following capital snec.
dote. The person alluded to vas Repuh-
licaD. He had looked into both sides and
had nearly come to theoconclusien that the
Presidents policy was tho only safe and
sound one for the country. The news
soon went forth that old Asa MAS waver-
ing III the faith, and one Of the most fs-
Eatical of the village politicians waited
upon him to sustain his falteriug aihesiou
to the doctrines of disunion Said he
Asa | heard that you srs inclined ~
support the policy Of that Infamous traitor.
Andy Johnson"
But he's our man; we elected hun to
the Vice Presidency, sad Asa.
"Wcll, | know that, bat lo's traitor
Notwithstanding"
But there's Mr.. Seward. we'vo always
looked up to him rs ole cf our shining
lights y inquired ASA
''Oh he's traitor too, ties as bad A.
Johnson"
Then there's Secretary NcCulloch and
Secretary Welics 2" a,ked Asa.
They are all alike. | tell you; they're
. nest OF traitors aliogethcr"
"Well," said Old. Asa with grim smile,
If our party puts sil the highest Offices in
the country i'll tho bands of traitors, its
time it went unior, III never vote with il
sgaiu.'
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

In this country our poets are among TIE
most industrlous and practical men
byrant is an editor; Lonsfclow is trans
latins Dante, and always has some good
wholesome work on hand; WLt:cr has
little piece Of land in Amesbury. which he
cultirates at his leisure; liallcck lives quiot-
y on his competency in his bachelor home
Connectcut; Stoddard has desk in tho
Custom House; Street is State librarian a.
the State capital Sprague. until recently.
was bsnker, TAILOR lravols and writes
novel;; Emerson is in the lecture field;
Holmes is a college prof zsor.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
ST. mAnY'S GAZETTE
rUpLr,uEpEvEk rHunspAYBY
JAMES =. DOWNS.

Trnu. OF Srs,onrrr,os .--S2 90 per onnum
% y, o,id within ,iY month,. No subscription
will bs received for shorter lisnod ;hen SIX
non,h., and no paper TO b. discontinued until
.ti.rre.r.s.s ar. paid except at the option Of
the rus,iisher
II Txkusor rADrEKrIsIEc.-1 cts per square TO
81. A.6r.tirIsrtion, and so eta for every .uhSe-
qu.nt insertion. t-'sht line. "f 's*s constitute
. .oo.re II the number o. insertions be not
.rt.J on The ad advtrt'rement, Il VIII be pub
i,.h.d until fornid and charged accordingly.
I,o.r.l deduction made 10 those who odseTtIse
BY year 49,,
ConInunic,tions af nertt .al chntacter VII
us charged a, the snmt rates at 'dFsr'idlh".
o,,,,,,r,,, over ten ijne1 in tenyth vii be ch1rS
sa At the rate oi SO cents per .aqu'r~.
All comuuntcaliuns for publication m"-, he
accompanied wtth the 'eni name ct The 'uth"r,
o, n.aten,lon will be pud To them. lhe reol
,.n. OF the auth or vii not be Published, nn"-s
des,red but cannot consent TO insert com
,,nIc.uoux unies, We know the writer.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
YOUNG MEN.

Many great men performed their great
est achievements before forty Alexander
the Great died A.. ;hir'y-,hree. Napoleon
had achieved AL his q, thirty-hfe. Wash
ing WAS twcutv-Scvcn whco he covered the
retreat Of the British army under Brad
dock and nst fartytve III 11l6. Vt
thirty three Jefferson wrote the pcclara
ton Of Irlrpcndcucc Al thirty, Hamilton
helped t. frame the Constitution o. the
United States. At twenty three, Nclanc-
thon wrote the Loci Cnmmunrs, whIch
passed through fifty editions in his life
time. .ttthir'y three, he wrote the Ang'-
burg confession AZ twenty nine. Ursi-
nus wrote the Heidelberg Catcchism =
Xwincle wrote his chief work. b"f5re for
ty. and died At forty-s;1. At the Dispu-
t.tion Of LcipsiA Luther was thirty i've;
u, the Dict Of Worms, thirty -scvvn AT
twenty seven. Calvin wrote the Institutes.
Moses sent youns mcn to spy out the lani
ii Canaan, sni Joshua sent Young men,
as spies to Jericho. Saul David, and
Solomon achieved their greatest works be-
fore they had reached middle life
john the Baptist and the Apostles did
their life-wo,k as Young men. and Jesus
Christ finished his l.bors and endured his
40 offerings as 4 youn. man. Not decrepit,
WORKOUT HE, bu; the warm blood Of mau-
hood. morning did he shel upon the cross
for tho worlds c !, mption. -Phrer@ogicod
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
--

AHycD5rs ) THR RsToLurIos Colonel
William Williams, a delegate in Congress
from Go noc;ieut, after havi@g signed the
Declaration t!ndcpeud n {, said to me Of
lis companions:
Ii ne are defeated in our cti,rt FIR iu-
dcpendeuoe this days work will make bad
work for me. have held commission IL
the rebel army; Lave written for rebel
newspaper | I'm the son-in-,aw Of rebel
Governor, and now afiix my name to this
rebel declaration. My sins are too great
to be pardonyd by our royal L laAter !
must be hanged
The other gentleman answered as fol-
lows:
L Do not bcljn,c my caso 5 as despcr-
ate for | have rad no connection with the
army, nor can it be prov 4 that heretofore
have written or done any dining obnoxious
to the mother country.
The immediate and prompt rely was
Then, sir you deserve to be hanged.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
NO2l..
>

EtoeUrscs.-Thcrs arc no people ;p ,hs
world with whom eloquonee is so universal
a. with the Irish.
" hen Leigh Ri chic was travelling il
Ireland. be passed man who was a psip.
ful spectacle of pallor. squslor, aud rss.
eedness. His heart smots him. and Ss
turned back. -asAao
''lf you are in wsut," said Ritnh;,
why don't you beg."
Surely, ia toSgiu' Lam. yer boa.
"Io diin't say word"
Av course not. yar honor: but see how
the sk!u Is spakiu' through the ,rowsers.
ana the bones cryin' out through NY skin
LOOK al me sulkvn checks, an tho famine
that's starin' IL my eyes, Man alive
lsLt 1t faggiu' am wild a thousand
tongues -
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
TIE WARNING VOICE.


; Capt, b., of tho -.h Regiment Of the
/ line, married near connection Of the mar
rasor After the ceremony the pair left
London for small seaport town, i'll which
they had resolved to pass the honeymoon
The beautiful scenery Of the neig borhVod
tempted them to longer and longer daily
rambles; and, one night, much fstig gaed
they had retired somewhat earlier than COM
mon when Mrs b WAS sud lculy aroused from
an incipient do.e by a confused light in
the room, which presently became intensi-
fed to an almost painful degree. No un-
usual object was lslble; but voice pro-
cccdlng from the foot Of the bed uttered.
IN low but perfectly distinct accent. these
words:
In three years you will DO s Wild
ow.'
Much alarmed. Mrs. 3. renewed the cf-
forts she had already made to awaken
Capt. b but in vain. AS the light died
gradually away, her courage returned, and
she frl, inclined to rejoice that no had been
spared hearing this strange prediction =
Resolving to conceal it from him, sha new
crthcles. wrote the next day to her moth
cr. and Gated al til. particulars
Tune passed, and the spring of the third
year found the B.s at Halifax, preparing
to embark for England. tho passage mou
cy. sixty pounds, having been already
paid On the night before their intended
departure Mrs. b. had dream, in which she
though. she was pacing, with her husband,
across vast PLAIN He hurried ber for
ward so fast an! incessautly that she be
came alarmed, Night was approaching.
Suddenly she withdrew her arm, from her
husband when the latter, darting wildly
forward. wss lost to sight in sort Of rushy
swamp that lay in the centre of the
plain-thc rushcs waving and bending
over the spot i'll which he had seemed to
disappear
Awakened by the shock Of what had
happened, she was conscious OF the myste-
rnus hsht in the room and recognized the
vol she had formerly heard, as it an
nounc"d-
The third year has come.
In the nerning she told her husband
that she had had very unpleasant dream,
which had lett upon her mind nstrons pre-
sentiment that eVli would a"' 10 't'e'r pro-
posed voyage. and earnestly entrca'co MN
to transfer the passage to much larger
and better ship. which would san IN
month .'no.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

In .msll city some we'll disposed citi-
zens, were sent by the magistrates. from
house to house, in order to collect a sub
sidy for the impoverished inhabitan IS OF
the city Early one morning they csmo
to the farm of wealthy farmer.
They discoverd him in front of ais sta
bic, an! upon approaching him, heard
how he rebukcd his servants for having left
the ropes at which the horses were tied
ever night in the rain, and for not having
taken them in to dry.
"On. this is an avaricious man - said
one to the others I've shall not get much
here ~
We viii at least try it, said another
aud they approsched.
The farmer received the strangers very
friendly. aud while he accompanied them
to his house they brought forth their re-
quest.
How great was their astonshnent as he
gave them a considerable sum OF money,
aud promised to sive them an eqlnl sum
every year =
The citizens, in their grateful emotion,
could not for5car to confess to the farmer
that his bencGcence WAS wholly uue1pec-
ted to them for the rcbuhe he prcyiously
gave his servant, on account Of SO ulim-
Tor,an: a tritie led them to suspect that
he vas \ very avaricious man.
Dear friends, sail he, 'bv being 50
economic. i with my property at all times,
have arrived at the happy condition t.
do good
Moral. DO not to ashamel Of ecouo-
my. and think it not TO DC aTaTl~r, for you
need only to be ashamed OF avaIice itself.
Do not refuse to be benefcens, because
you falsely take oeueticenee for Iaylsnncss.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

fosIks CoSvsAsArIoS, -''Hullo. str.n.
ger you appear to be travelling"
AtA. always travel when on jous.
ney"
Il think I've ssen you sonewhere.s
Very likely sir, have often bcou ou,
there. "
And pray what may your name be =
1t NIGH, be Sam Patch but isu't bv "a
long slide"
Have you been Tong in these parts -
Never any longer than at p-eseut--ass
feet nine"
10 yo1 get anytLipg n,wl'
IS poushl u-m wc;stoas hm
norniuG."
:, Il thought SO your the eharEos. hate
I've seen Oh this road"
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

REAcrIyUL The following beautiful
lines are from Tho pen Of George D. Prcu-
tee
"Why is it that tho rainbow and the
cloud come over Us with beauty that is
not of earth, ana then pas, away and leave
Us to muse on "a led loyein".s? Why IS
it that the stars hoia their nightly festival
around the midnight throne. and placed
above the reach Of our limited faculties
forever mock Us Wit. their unap7roscha.
blc glory: And why j. il that the bright
forms Of human beauty. are presented t.
our view and then taken from US, leaving
the thousand streams Of affection 10 flow
back in mighty torrents upon the human
heart? We ,yc BORN for higher destiny
than thst of earth There IN lstd where
the star. will De st oat before Us like is-
lands that slumhcr in the ocean, and whore
the beautiful Dein1s that pass before Us
Ike IN 'tcor, viii say III our prcsence
forever
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

An official in Toronto received a bank
note on the back OF which the flowing
was written: This note is the last of
forty thousand pounds sterling; all gono
IN fun within four years. Hurrat I'm u
man asaia. Now for hard work. Hells
not nc tai from here. Rell up your sleeves
lom Breakers aheud All fricndy have
disappeared, like rats from an old ship -
Never say die-buckle to--grlu and bear
1t. Ihauk God for health and strength.
ana good spirits-spirits OF the right sort.
NO more old rye for this boy. Keep up
heart, old fellow, and go to worf. Wha
wants hired man. ready for anything
thar hoocstI" I. II L. G.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

The largest man IN tho United States
House Of Represcutati> Is Mr. Baldwin
Of Massachusetts, ; the smallest Mr. John
t Starr twinkle, tvinalc, little star" }
of New Jersey; the tallcot Long" John
Wentworth of Illinois tie shortest Mr..
Brandcgee q Connecticut tho handsom-
est man (although there is much dispute
on this poiutj j., perhaps, Charles 6. blaine
of Maine
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

A msn advertised lately to forward. on
receipt otpoetsge stamps, Sound prac.i-
c~l advice, that would be applicable at my
time and t. al persons and conditions OF
He.' Gu reccip: Of the stamps he sent bis
victim the following: Never give boy
penny to watch your shadow while you
climb - tree t. look into the middle of next
week
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

How TO PURIFY RANCID LARp.-A cor
respondent Of he CouHtry Ge..deD,a" says !;
valuelcss as it was. Knowing the ante
septic quality OF the chloride Of soda, !
procured 3 ounces, which was poured into
about paifu of soft water, and when
hot the lard added After boiling it thor
oughly together for an hour or two it was
set aside to cool The lard WAS tlken CT
when nearly cold. and was consequently
bo;iea up The color was restored to an
alabastcr white, and the layl was as sweet
as rose.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

4 clergyman, in a recent sermon sail
that the path of rcctitude had been travel-
cd SO little Of late years. that it had COM
plctely run to grass.
"Why ain hay cheaper, then :' solil.
oQuixcd Gill y,
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14
NOTICE 10 DEBTORS.

A IL person. Indebted to John +.
"a Fcnwick on epcn account or tot
,rc rrulrsttd 10 settle With hm Ilnmcdl-
a,elv or their notes and accounts VII be
n,.cel IN an Officer hands for collector.
JOHN F FEHWlNk.
LeoaSrd Town.
Md
NAV GAN. 1s66--f
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

"CnARtIE, my dear" said loving
moiLer to hopeful son, just budded into
breechcs; "CharIie. my dear. come here
ani get some candy" II gucss won c
mind it now, mother" replied Charlie.
= vc got IN some tobacco"
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

IT 3Jobh Billing, observes Any fool
can tell where the lightning has struck.
but it ain't every man that can tell exack-
ly whore il will strike noxt time Herein
i, one Of the mupy dfforonces twixt larnips
and wisdom.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

An exchange says that il is just - SON
sible uoIe 10 undertake to got married
without oourting. as to attempt any busi-
ness without slyertslnG; both often prove
a. lt,rt.
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

Lucy Stone in a lecture in Bangor re-
Gently. said I've hear Of Lon-Feck d
husbands, but not nothing at al about
rocs er .peoked wives" = That's true,
Lucy" says an exchange. land he lcss
1o hlai -.,~I; L. he better
St. Mary's gazette., 1867-03-14

A clergyman gave toast that was not
very gallant, at late frcmxu's celebration:
- Our ire-tngines-May they be IKE
! D. si1e c~t. ica3v, 10, rty w4-,sd
The Greene County Republican. [volume] (Waynesburg, Pa.) 185?-1867, 1867-07-03
GEM'l, aCMCSTRE
REINFORCED.
LETTER FROM GEN'L. M. JEFF,
THOMPSON.
LOUISVILLE, June l6, 1867.

Dr-rsy,rtp Tppn 10 1Cn-
a.... y b, ~ y, " " '''
oeo,S' - 1Ie"''o0' HSq''
MY DEAR FRIEND You desire me
70 write you my feelings and opinions
under the existing political condition of
the country Your friendship to me in
the dark days OF the late war, while we
were political enemies, gives you the
right TO command my services in any
way that | can return your kindness,
and therefore l will comply with your
request, and in as few words as possible
express my sentiments. | might cover
the whole ground when | say that l
heartily concur in the sentiments of
General James Longstreet, but General
Longstreet was a professional soldier,
who fought IiAe a hero, and surrendered
like brave knight who was unhorsed,
and he may not go far enough in his
language to place himself right before
The Greene County Republican. [volume] (Waynesburg, Pa.) 185?-1867, 1867-07-03
From tie Toledo Bhde.
NASBY.

A VISION OF THE NEXT WoRLD-MR. Massey
In A DREAM-Is PRESENT IN THE LOWER RE-
GIoNs DURING THE CONSIDERATION OF Mr.
GREELEY's CASE.
POST oFFIs, CoNFEpRTT X RoADs, J
GWEN Is the Slait NV Kentucky,) !
June, |, 1861
The Corners wuz in most pleasant
frame NV mind last Friday mite. SO i'm.
portant event cz the release Nv our
sainted Davis Good not be allowed to 90
by without commonwealth, and we ac,
cordlng y commemorate. The rejoicins
wuz held at the Church, tho they com,
menst at Bascom's Ez the heltiest part
Nv the rejolcin he'd been done at Bas.
CONS, taperin off, ez l may say, at the
Church, the speeches were very short,
ef not to the pint. When, how, or
wher it adjourned, l know not. | wan,
dered OFT into the realms NV Morphus
in the middle NV Deekin Pogram's SEX.
ondly, and atore got back l he'd taken
rather long journey.
l dreamed very curis dream. Me
thought ! wGz in !he regions that ale
popularly supposed to lay below us. On>
to his burning throne sot Lucifer, a read
in the Moo York Ir1boon, with the most
puzzled expression onto his face ever
witnest, Layin it down with sigh, ez
though he he'd gone bumpin onto stun
ner wlch be Good not comprehend, he
remarkt, sadly, TO biznlz = AMI de-.
mandid Nv his book keeper, the sltooa
shen of things. Reports were read to
him, WHICH, in the man, pleased him.
A shade of sadnlss becloudid his cassi.
kle countenance ez the statement that
Napoleon and Bizmark he'd made up,
but his face ILLUMINATED serenely ez 1t wuz
statld that the christian mashens he'd de-
cided TO let the Turks 60 on butohern
the Cretans, wich was replaced with a
trown agln when he wuz informed that
there wuz a prospeck NV the English
common people get,in a vote. After
goin thro the rest Of the world, the Uni>
ted States como in
kentucky sed the book.keepcr,
lookin over bundle NV fresh reports. ,is
all rite Helm is electid Governor by a
whackln majority, and Mckee and Rice
is Defeated
Good + sed he, fetchin his tail down
in ecstacy Nv joy, the next time I
swing around the circle I must visit
Kentucky. No State does so well for
me with so little Nv my assistance. I
alluz like to visit Kentucky. Moo York
city is ruther pleasant, tho it's so near
like my own place that I don't enjoy il