The Conservative. (M'connelsville, Ohio) 1866-1871, 1867-05-30
Curtain Lecture CONCERNING
Skating.

"OhI 90 to sleep you old iooll"
is "Mr. Twain, am surprised and
greivod to-"
"Dont interrupt me, womanl tell
you it's absurd-you learn to skatei
You'll be wanting to play fairy in the
BLACK Crook next. l tell you skating
is an accomplishment suited only to
youth and grace, comeliness of face and
symmetry of figure. Nothing is so
charming as to SEQ beautiful girl, in
the coquetish costume of the rinks,
with cheeks rosy with exertion, and
eyes beaming with excitement, skim
ming the ice like bird-and swoop-
ping down upon a group of gentlemen,
and pretending she can't stop herself,
and landing in the arms of the very
young man her father don't allow her
to know-and darting away again and
falling on her head and exposing her
self-exposing herself to remarks about
her carelessness, Madam-hold your
tonguel-always taking care to fall
when that young man is close by to
pick her up. 1t is so charmingl They
look pretty and interesting, too, when
they are just learning--when they
stand still long time in one place.
and then start one foot out glngerly,
and 1t makes break for the other side
Of tho pond and leaves tho balance of
the girl sprawling on this side. But
you'll You look fat and awkward and
dismal enough any time; but when you
are on skates you waddle of as stuffy,
and stupid and ungainly as q buzzard
that's had half horse for dinner. i
won't have it Madaml And you got
under little precarious headway and
then put your feet together and drift
along, stoopIng your head and should
ers and holding your back out like you
expected a church was going to fall on
you; it aggravates the life out of mel
And Tuesday, when l was ass enough
to get onskates myself and kicked the
Irish Giants eye out the first dash, and
lit on my head and cracked the ice so
that it looked like the sun with all It's
rays had dropped where l struck, and
they fined me ninty-two dollars for
running the mans pond, was terrified
with the conviction that / had gono
through to the inside of the world, be.
cause / saw the parallels Of latitude
glimmering all around me; and what
was it but you, in your awlIwardness,
fetching up over me with your con-
founded filters on? You've got to
discard those things. Ican't stand the
pow rent and l won't"
"Mr. Twain, / am surp-"
"Hold your clatter! l say you shant
bring odium upon the family by your
attempts to skate, sprawl
ing around with your big feet like
COW plowing her way down hill in slip.
pery weather. May be YOU wouldn't
be so handy about displaying those
feet of yours.if you knew w t occur
red when / took your shoes down to
get mended."
"What was it2 Tell mewhat 1T was;
tell me what it was this minutel l just
know it's one Of your liesI'
"OhI don't mind; it aint ofany con-
go to sleep"
"But it is Of consequence You've
got to tell me; you shan't aggravate
me this way; L won't go to sleep till I
know what it was"
"Ohl it wasn't anything"
"Mr Twain, l know betterl You're
just doing this to drive me TO distrac-
tion. What did that shoemaker say
about my shoe? What did he dOY
Quicl1l"
"Well, if yon must know, he-he-how-
ever, it's of no consequence" P"
"Alr. Twain"
DWELL he--he took it and gazed up
on it II long time in silence, and put
his handkerchief to his eyes and burst
r. , tears"
"Why, you born foolI Twain, are
you going stark, staring crazy2"
"He just stood there and wept as if
his heart would break, poor Devill
There now, let's go to sleep"
"Sleep you lunaticl I'll never close
my eyes till i know what that idiot was
crying about--and you wont either, l
can tell you that. Gomez
"Ohl it don't matter"
IMr. Twain, ifyou say that again, l
say I'll mako You sorry for is, what
was that numskull crying about7'
Well, he-he--
"W-e-l-l, he. Out with It'll do you
want me to-.to--Twain, I'll snatch
them pet iringes off till the sides OF
your heads as bald as the top Of it,"
"Well, he-poor fellowl--he SAID he
dotted on his grandmother-fairly do.
ted on her, She had nursed him, you
know, because his mother was always
feeble and So We'll, he came to this