davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15
WITTICISMS.

EXAMINER-"WnO no was the strongest
man we read of in Scripture?"
SMART BoY-"Jonah."
EXAMINER-"Why SOP"
SMART BoY-"Because the whale
couldn't hold him after he got him
down"
y TOAST at an Irish Society's dinner
at Cincinnati: "Here's to the President
Of the Society, Patrick O'Rafferty, an
may he live to ate the hen that scratches
over his grave"
AN old minister enforced the necess-
ity of difference of opinion by argu-
ment: "Now if everybody had been
of my opinion, they would all have
wanted my old woman"
One of the deacons, who sat just be-
hind him responded: "Yes: and if
everybody was of my opinion nobody
would have her."
BILL went into hardware store
"Tou sell all sorts of nails here?" said
he to the obliging gentleman behind
the counter.
"Yes, my little man all sorts of
nails"
Says Billy, "I'll take pound of toe
nails, if you please.
Exit Billy, sharply followed by a set
of toe nails, done up in heavy boot.
LITTLE JIMMIE, only about ten
years old, was standing on the steps Of
his fathers store, smoking a cigar. A
gentleman passing, asked him, with
surprise. "Why, jim! when did you
learn to smoke?" "Oh," says the child
very coolly, taking the cigar between
h!s fingers, "When l was little feller. "
y MODEL return upon a writ was
made by u deputy sheriff in Indiana.
1t was: "Sarved the within, but was
fit with brickbats by the woman, so that
could not sarve it."
a CLERK in post office heard tap
at the window of the ladies' department
when who should there be but a man
by the name of Drake. "Mr. Drake, "
said the clerk, "will you please to go to
the other side; this department is for
ducks"
GOLD COOPER" is a Dutchman, and
! like many other men, of whatever ma
tionality, has q wife that is "some."
One day the old man got into some
trouble with a neighbor, which resulted
in tight. The neighbor was getting
the better of the old man, who was re-
sisting to the best of his ability, when
his wife broke out with, "Lie 3till,
Cooper, if he kills you I'll sue him for
damages ~
y GENTLEMAN had five daughters
all of whom he brought up to become
useful and respectable characters in life
These daughters married, one after an
other with the consent of their father
The first married gentleman by the
name Of Poor, the second Mr.. Little
the third Mr.. Short, the fourth Mr.
Brown, the fifth u Mr.. Hogg. At the
wedding of the latter, her sisters, witt
their husbands, were present, and the
old gentleman said to the guests-"l
have taken pains to educate my d0ugh
tiers, that they might act well their par
in life; and from their advantages anc
improvements, l fondly hoped tha
they would do honor to my family,
find that all my pains, care and eXpec
tatious have turned out nothing but {
Poor, Little, Short, Brown, Hogg."
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15

MURDER BY NEGROES IN SOUTH
CAROLINA.-One of the bravest, best,
most popular, most honorable, most
amiable citizens of Lexington District
of all South Carolina-was Colonel
Marcellus Steedman, leader for some
time during the late war of the Sixth
South Carolina volunteers. Since the
close Of the war he has been living on
his farm on Edisto, and been engaged
at the same time in merchandise.
His dwelling aud store We're under the
same roof. on Tuesday night, the Sth
Instant, he walked out into the piazza,
and as lie turned to go in, was shot by
some person unseen. As he fell he
cried out. His wife rushed forth, drag
ged him in and boltcd the door. He
survived but three hours. The wretch
ed and bereaved woman with her two
little children, spent the whole night
alone with the corpse, fearing to give
| the alarm.
Immediately upon the shot being
fired, there was a hubbub OF voices,
land Colonel Steedman recognized those
| of two negro men, formerly slaves of
! his father. This, with their names, he
disclosed to his wife before he died.
And sure enough, on the following
day the two monsters were arrested in
Aiken. They made full confession. II
seems that they had followed Sherman
when he passed through Lexington,
and had not returned thither until a
! fortnight before the murder. This fort
night they had spent in Watching their
chance. They had no grudge against
| their former young master, but know,
ing that he was in business, they killed
him with the design of getting money
land robbing the store. They intended
to murder the lady and children, but
with the first shot their hearts failed
them. We take it for granted they are
in BarnWell Jail. Colonel Steedman
was only about thirty year, of age,--
| EdgctiHe s, Z. Adrcrrtssr.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15


Tyres Mn. Wrrr op Erc1Ir Mr. Az
Osrrr,Topy ArTrnHAT1yr.--T There
are raw married mon wboore ovcr.o
"a .nnino thnir wivos l,isscl b,t on oy-
chance rclatf. the particulors of q cosc
in which a ncwlv-weddcd Denedict felt
himself in.ultcd because his wife wasn't
kissed. The bridccroom in question was
n stalwort younr rustic. who was known
AS n formidable operator in a free
fight,n His bride was n beautiful and
blooming Young country girl. only six
teen wears Of age, and the twain were
ot q ragty where n number of youne
c,u,, voro oniorira troryo,yos !, tho
l'''2 WY '!JoS '''S '''o''1'i - al ',''
good oid-lashloheu paWN-playlhg style.
Every girl in the room was called out
and kissed cycept b, the beautiful
voung hrido oforos,id and olthonrh
, '""o 'l,.''',,' "'',' ''-'''o",' -
Ihere was not So'i'Ss'er present WHO
was not dying TO taste her lips, they
were restrained by the presence of her
Ioro,,l,,, Lr.Lond who .+ood ro,,o,d
.'o'ou'o'''i i'"7N.,"'' VIZ S''o'
ln% the party win Sulioh look OF dis
satisfaction. They mistook the cause,
however, for suddenly he expressed
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15
CXCHANGE HOTEL

INNCHANGt llO ELIl co,,>,,r,, ~,
L BLoOMSBURG, COLUMBIA COUNTY, IA.
The undersigned having purchased thIs we'll
knowa and centrally located house. the fN'hahSe
Hotel, situate ON MAIN STREET, IN BloomShurg
Immediately opposite the Columbia County Court
House, respectfully Informs his friends ana the
public in general that his house Is now III oIuer
for the reception and entertainment OF travellers
who may be disposed TO favor It with the'r GUS
tom. He has spared no expense IN preparing inc
Exchange for the entertainment Of MS guests
neither snail there be anything wanting loh ms
part) 10 minister to their personal comfort. His
house is spacious, and enjoys an c@c5!lcnt busi-
ness 10 'ntlon.
ouLibu ses run at all times between the EN-
change Hotel and the vario ,railroad depots by
wnIeh travellers will be pleasantly conveyed "a
t1.d fron tine respective stations In due tine lo
moot lIe c,Ia. JOIN T. INNl'N'
RS.p5vlsbur. March -, lSt9
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15


earth to open and swallow you up? How
heartily did wish it at that moment.
saw the whole affair at glance; | had
been playing practical joke upon the
gentleman in whose house was sitting,
and had been describing him in the most
ridiculous light to his daughter. How
! hated Tom for laughing (his sister was
nearly as bad, by the way,) whilst 1 sat
turning alternately red and pale, con-
sidering what on earth was to be done.
At this moment servant entered the
room.
"a telegram for Miss Grumblethorp."
She hastily looked over it, and then
read aloud to us:
"Shall come by the $50 tomorrow
morning. Some young jackanapes have
played practical joke, and caused me
to miss the last train tonight"
At last l found words. "Tom," ]
said, 81 must fly. Miss Grumblethorp,
l cannot sufficiently apologize to you
| for
ooh! you need not apologize to me,
nor must you go either. Tom, you must
devise some escape out of the dilemma"
SIT would certainly never do for The
governor to recognize you; he'd never
forgive you, and would cut me Off with
a shilling. Oh! have it; I sentence
you, in punishment, to cut off those
whiskers and moustache-hell never
know you then"
"Never" 1 said, with determina-
ton. "I'm not a vain man, but l will
never voluntarily make fright of my
self"
"Oh! I'm sure you would look much
better without them," said Miss Grum-
blethorp; "besides, remember the ska
ting party tomorrow; | want you to
teach me so much. You really must
not GO"
l was not proof against this. The
adorable Miss Minnie actually wishing
me to stay! Again, l recollectcd that !
had no other invitation for Christmas
and all my family were spending the
winter abroad. Under these circum.
stances, l determined to risk all, and
stay where | was sure to enjoy myself.
Next morning / rose early, had 9
'clcan shave" and borrowed a pair o.
light blue spectaclcs. When | met Mis-,
GrumblethOrp on my way to breakfast
she declared the disguise was capital
telling me at the same time that her IA
ther had arrived and was in the break
fast room. l was formally introduced
and by the way that he received me i
was evident he had not recognized mt
in the least.
"Always glad to see Toms friends,
said the old boy, in quite cheerful tone
"Thank goodness he doesn't choose TO
companions such puppies as those WHIT
in3ulted me yesterday. wonder wheth
er they consider themselves gentle
men?"
In this strain he continued to talk al
breakfast time, whilst | answered will
perfect gravity, not daring to look 4
Minnie, for | felt sure she was enjoying
the joke.
My story is nearly over. / enjoyed
the skating party thoroughly, for spen
most of the dag in teaching Minnie.
also accom- panied her the next evcnin,
to Il ball, where found she could NOV
much more quickly and gracefully thai
on the ice.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15
POETRY,
DOGMATIC,

ca we near that bill has been presented TO ON
S,ale @ Leslsiature proposing to tax dogs. As nj.
!lpSl everything under the sun seems likely to b,
'tNt,lWehrc hpt surprised TINT the CANNES should
ne counted M But, surely, our Suluns are ret.
tlhg INTO pad way, when it is manifest they are
gong to the dogs for money. If dOvs nrr Ia
be taxed, may we not expect that cats will soon
ne III the same category, or, rs Shakespeare saws
I'm confederation accnr,liurl Ana then IL,
canarics-why not? And where is il eil to "a, ~
Quien sdJc as the Spuniards say MpouWbIlr
leg US speak good word for the dogs, wht are r..
any IN more danger than they are aware Of For
taxation VIII begct curtamcut: and, alas! cur.
lli!inehi in this case means more than the sound
tas Hi i'I & wPtH iffns EN- TO hnt 1t VIII he heads, not
some years ago, when dog tax was proposed
IN tile Lrgi stature OF q neighboring state mem
per VINO opposed the bill and succeeded in defeat.
ing IT, published clever bit of "dogrcrel" on tn,
SUBJECT which we annCX-cOmmendng II, most
respectfully, to the members of our own Legisla.
turc: =
TO MY DOG JOwLER.
Jowler, they've taxed you honest friend;
Assessed you, put you in the roll;
To exile every dog they'd send,
Unless some friend will pay his poll.
BY all that's good, the rascals meant
Betwixt MS two to breed n strife,
And drive you into Punishment,
Or bribe your friend to take your life.
But, Jowler, don't you be alarmed!
If politicians do neglect YOU,
Confound their tax g.! you shan't he harmed
know your worth, and I'll protect you!
But taxes, by the Constitution,
Convey the right to represent;
So dogs, by this same resolution,
Might Just as well as men he sent
Now, dogs and men, and voters hear
That Jowlers put in nomination
To go, upon the coming year,
And aid in public legislation.
Jowler, beware OF demagogues,
Keep clear of the minority;
Take care to smell OF other dogs,
And vote with the majortyl
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1867-02-15

lam now married; and though have
since grown my whiskers, yet my fl-
ther-in-law has never suspected that
was "tha young iackanapes that made
him late for the train" (he has never
mentioned the burnt cork business and
has always been SO kind to me thai
have heartily repeated of it.
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28
Impartial Suffrage State Con-
VeuliOn.

We have received a copy of a call for state
convention Of the friends ofimpartial suffrage,
as follows
The friends Of impartial suffrage for the
State of Wisconsin, are requested to meet in
mass convention at GAINESVILLE, at 10 o'clock
A. NJ on Wednesday, October 9th, A. ID.
1861, for the purpose of considering and dis
cussing the proposed amendment to tie suf-
frage clause of our State Constitution. and
for arranging for future action in behalf of
the cause in this state.
All who are interested in the subject,
whether pro or con, are invited to be present.
Eminent speakers will address the conyen-
ton.
About two hundred signatures are append
ed, mostly of the masculine order. Among
the names are those of Hon. J. T. Dow, who
leads the movement in this state, Hon. II. d.
Barron, Gen. ]. X. PrOudfit, Hon. II. H.
Giles, Hon. H. G. Webb, Hon. H G. Hobart,
Col. J, Bintiif, Hon. w. G. Allen, Professor
Whitford, of Milton College. Prof. Coleman,
of Evansville Seminary, A. NJ. Thompson,
of the GAINESVILLE Gazette, S. Cadwalder, of
the Milwaukee Nelos, A. b. Sanford, of the
Racine AdUocate, Gen. J. H. Paine, &C.
Among the ladies who sign the call we OBJ
serve the name of Mrs. J. T. Lewis, wife of
Elk. Gov. Lewis.-Hudson Times.
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28

"THE OLD WoMAN."-Once she was
"Mother," and it was "Motler, I'm
hungry" Mother, mend my jacket"
"Mother, put up my dinner y and
Mother" with her loving hands would
spread the bread and butter, and stow
away the luncheon, and sew on the great
patch, her heart trimming with affection
for the imperious little curly pate that
made her so many steps and nearly dis
traoted her with bis mirth.
Now she is the sold woman" but she
did not think it would ever come to that.
She looked on through the future years
and saw her boy to manhood grown.
and be stood TRANSPORTED 10 the light of
her own beautiful love. Never was there
q more noble son than he-honored of
the world, and the staff Of her declin
ing years.
Aye, he was her support even then, but
she did not know it. She never realized
that it was her little boy that gave her
strength for daily toll--that his slender
form was all that upheld her over the
brink of dark despair. She only knew
how she loved the child, and felt that a
mid the mists of age bis love would bear
her gently through its infrmities to the
dark ball leading to the life beyond.
But the son has forgotten the mothers
tender ministratious now. Adrft from
the moorings of home, he is cold, selfish,
beartless, and the ''Mother" has no sacred
meaning TO the prodigal. She is the "old
woman" wrinkled, gray, lame and blind.
Pity her, o brave, and dry those tears
that roll down her furrowed cheeks
Have compassion on her sensitive heart,
and offer it thy quiet rest, that it may
forget how much it loAged to be "dear
neither" TO the boy it nourished through
careless childhood but in return for all
this wealth Of kindness has only given
back reproach.
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28
Letter from England.

We make the following extracts from let
ter from W. J. NEWELL, of ST. Croix Co.,
who has been spending the summer in Eu-
rope. Though net written for publication,
these extracts viii be read with interest
No. I35 WooDBoRoUeH Roam, NorTTNe- I
HAM. Eng, Sept. 3, 1867.
FRrExD Lutte SO much has been said
about the Exposition, fear that can say
nothing that will interest you. 1t cannot be
described by either letter or a newspaper
it must be seen to be appreciated.
Amongst the exhibitors from the Q. S. who
have received gold medals, is Mccormick,
of reaper fame. The reaper on exhibition is
the same in principle, but far different in
pattern from the reapers sold in Wisconsin,
as it is much less complicated, and requires
less power TO run it than any / have seen in
the States bnt being recent improvement,
it win probably soon become general in the
reapers manufactured by him hereafter.
The American locomotive received gold
medal. Judging from appearances, believe
hibited, as well as the most beautiful. The
railroad carriages of different countries were
on exhibition, but failed to see one from
America. Had there been one doubtless it
would have taken the prize, for, in my este
nation, the comfort and convenience of an
American car is ten fold above that osany
other have seen so is the general system of
American travel over the European. Here
at the time of buying your ticket, you must
see that your baggage is duly labeled
with the name Of your destination. No
check or receipt is given for it, and on reach
ing the terminus Of yeur route, see that it is
taken from the train, and Immediately take
charge of it after which it can be left in
charge of the company by paying a charge of
four cents for each package, and an additions
al charge of two cents for every day after the
first. No stop-over checks are given, the
passenger being compelled to complete the
journey for which he has bought his ticket,
without rest. I think, for an enlightened
country, the system of travelling, either for
Cxcursionists or business men, is abominable
I have to answer hundreds of questions in
regard 70 the institutions of the States and
the country in general. Sometimes a Rebel
synpathizer is met with. He fancies he
knows all about the late war-cunsfders the
Republicans a LOT of barbarians, and the
Democrats the most abused people on the face
of the earth says Johnson is a benevolent,
high-minded gentleman, and Congress an ar
bitrary, overbearing lot of ruffains. Still it is
very evident that the mass of the English
people are heart and hand with the North.
When leaving America was told the coun-
try was ten years behind Europe. / should
think it just the reverse, for in going from
Calsis to Paris. distance of 24O miles, thrO'
an agricultural country in harvest time. not
ore single machine did / see at work, but /
did see men at work with the old fashioned
hand sickle, and between London and this
place, distance of i25 miles, saw but two
rtaDers at work
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28
NOTICE.

To Teachers and School officers
birebv give notice that 1 will hold public
meetings for the examining and licensing of
Teachers for the common schools Of Pierce
County, as follows
at Prescott, for the towns of Prescott, Clif-
ton, Oak Grove and Diamond Bluff, on Mon
day and Tuesday, Sept. 10 and IL.
At River Falls, for the towns of River Falls
Trimbelle, Martel and Ell Paso, on Thursday
and Friday, Sept. l9 and 20.
At Ellsworth, for the towns of Ellsworth.
Hartland, Trenton and Isabelle, on Monday
and Tuesday, Sept % and "a.
At Maiden Rock. for the rest Of the county,
ON Wednesday and Thursday, Sept. 25 and 20.
Also, at Rock Elm, in the school house,
near the P. O., on Friday and Saturday, Sept.
81 and %.
An additional examination win be held for
the special benefit of such teachers as cannot
attend one of the above examinations, at Els
worth, Oct. 81 and %.
The above examinations will commence on
each day at o'clock A. M.
All applicants are kindly requested TO be
present at one of these examinations, for you
will expect me to waive all private examina-
tions not in accordance with law.
DAN'L THURSTON,
Supt Of Schools, Pierce Co., Wis.
Trimbelle. Aug. is, 1867.
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28


HANGING q mackerel to your coat tail
and imagining yourself whale, consti
tutes Goldfish aristocracy.
In demand-Long credit, exemptions
from taxation, false calves and gin cock
tails.
DEAR--A pretty wife, her ''love Of
bonnet" good wbiskey and piety.
CHEAP-Good advice, lip salve and
promises.
Generally observcd-Tiltiug skirts,
waterfalls and other peoples business.
PEOPLE who travel into cannibal coun-
tries are apt to be turned into Indian
meal.
If you would have n faithful servant,
and one that you like, serve yourself
"THAT's pretty 90" said the husband
when his beautiful wife ran away from
him.
"AHw Pat" said Disconnected hod :.
carrier, ''don't take up this mode of life.
1t has to many ups and downs in it.
There is a musical prodigy ut the
South End. He plays principally on the
feelings of his mother.
THEODORE Hook once said to q man
at whose table q Publisher got very tipsy,
"Why you appear to have emptied your
wine cellar into your bookseller"
A "sEEDY" institution-The Agricul-
turai Bureau.
New AxIoM-A thoru 10 the bush is
worth two in the hand.
THE pleasure of doing good is the on
" one that never wears out.
AN earthquake don't dispose men to
sleep but it makes the earth yawu.
In what key should a lover write pro-
posal of marriage? Be mine all!
Why ought fop not to object to being
horse-whipped? Because it would be
making him smart.
Why is woman mending her stock
ings deformed! Because her hands are
where her feet belong.
Two THINGS in this world which man
does not often find away from home
good soup and disinterested love.
WHAT is the difference between look
er on at an auction mart and a mariner
One sees the sale and the other sails the
sea.
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Doug
lass Jerrold the story of his courtship and
marrage-how his wife had been
brought up in convent, and was on the
point of taking the veil, when his pres
ence burst upon her enraptured sight, and
she accepted him as her husband. Jer.
rold listened to the end of the story, and
then quietly remarked, "Ah she evident
ly thought you better than num-"
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28

B.. Ross is a Temperance lecturer. and
at Rushvilie, Illinois, was preaching to
the young on his favorite theme. He
said: Now, boys, when l ask you a
question you mustn't be afraid to speak
right out, aud answer me. When you
look around and see all these fine houses,
farms and cattle, do you ever think who
owns them all nowl Your fathers own
them do they not! ayes, sir" shouted
n hundred voices. "Well, where will
your fathers be 10 twenty years from now
"Deadi" shouted the boys. That's
right. And who will own all this prop
erty then ?" ave will" fright. Now
tell me-did you ever. in going along the
street, notice the drunkards lounging
about the saloon doors waiting for some
body to treat them! ayes sir, lots Of
them" Well, where will they be in
twenty years from nowl "Dead?" ex-
claimed the boys. Sand who will be the
drunkards thenl" aus boys - Billy was
thunderstruck.
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28

TT It is dark when the honest and
honorable man sees the result Of long
years swept cruelty away Nv the kna-
wish. heartIess adversary. 1t is dark
when he feels the clouds of SORROW gath
eriug round, and knows that the hopes
and happiness Of others are fading with
his own. But in that hour the memo
" of past integrity will be a true conso-
Iation, and assures him even here or
earth of gleams of light in heaven. II
is dark when the dear voice of that
sweet child once so fondly loved is 10
more heard around in murmurs. Dark
when the light pattering feet no more re-
sound without the threshold, or ascend
step by step up the stairs. Dark when
some well known air recalls the strain
once Oft attuned by childish voice now
hushed in death. Darkness, but only
the gloom which now heralds the dav.
spring of Immortality, and infinite light
Of Heaven.
Prescott journal. [volume] (Prescott, Wis.) 1861-1871, 1867-09-28
CRuPUSeS.

Caucuses will be held in the several towns
in the county of Pierce at the usual place of
holding town meetings therein. on SATURDAY
Sept 2Sth. at o'clnck P. n. TO elect dele
gates to the Republican Union County Con-
vention, to be held at Ellsworth. on the lst
day OF October next to elect delegates to the
Senatorial Convention. 10 be held at Hudson.
Wis. 10 nominate a candidate for Senator for
the 2sth Senatorial District.
Let the people tuIn out. and select dele
gates that viii represent them truly in con-
vention. Rally Round the Flag Boys!l
Each town viii be entitled TO the follow
ing delegates:
Clifton , Martel ? ; River Falls Pres
colt, Ist ward. ?, ID ward. 3 Trimbelle ?
Diamond Bluff ,; Trenton l Isabel
Hartland / Ellsworth ?; FL Pasn Union
/ Salem Rock Elm Pleasant Valley
I; Oak Grove >.
BY order Of Co. Committee.