The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1867-01-08

sent our readers with specimen or two OF its
quality:
BRANCH LINE No. l-rHE MAN VINO RUNS
THE MACHINE. l.l
Yes. am he man who runs the machine.
The machine is what is variously called tne
government OF the United States OF Al ,,,lstio
Liberty, the CONSTITUTION. Ny DiIioniatic
Correspondence, covering poftiiotia y nana,.f
wears and about two acres OF o.a'o IL, az
ment shelving. the town OF Aapuin III lhe
t..eu' Staie Of New York, the State of
Re- Vorlr tha Albany Evening journal, and
generally the Institutions fouiueo oy our
Fathers TO say nothing Vi our foreiSn hela-
tons. with whom our iatllers lutireiled Ter
,ibIn hnt towards whom have always MAIN
ta;as1 ,sriecty peaceful attitude. L rather
mide myself on my peace, particularly the
niece | speak now and then in my library at
home 10 My Friends, NeighbOrs, aud Eel
low Citizens in the Town OF Auburn" have
spoken that piece several times to my son
Frederick and his family, and they like 1t very
much. -4o
/ was born in the colony OF New York, in
the year of Our Lord 1901 land OF the INDIE
pendence etceteia, no year at all, see appeh-
dix and am now at the mature age OF one
hundred and siXty-iive years. We are long
lived family and My Uncle Samuel strange
as it NAV seem, still survives me. use the
Diplomalic formula when say that my pa
rents were poor, but honest. AL an carry rs
/ went TO school. where Swung Round tne
Circle of reading, 'liting, and 'IlIhmetlc' es-
nacialIv '1itjno. III which have been Wohuer-
tuiv nroticient from my childhood. Appor
rent "a ANYTHING approaching eSotisii Is, auu
always has been TO my ieennss' AZ 'nis ueS-
patch embracing something VI MY own as
wall az NV Country's history, the use OF the
nersonai nronoun in the present and posses
s;ye case Is quite imperative. Most boys at
school are taught to mind their p's and q's. l
aarir learned the use of my rs (and ears
excise the joke) and my's; and hence they
occur occasionally in my Diplomatic DESPATCH
es. when they mean sometimes My Govern
ment, or the Government OF the United States.
From school swung into Union College I'M
der the propre.orship OF the venerable presi-
dent who was then, and now is Mott. Then
six months oil teaching in Georgia, Where
some of the earlier Governors OF that state
were nv pupils, and where learned the art
Of pitching into the peculiar institution with
out hurting the feelings OF any OF my South
ern friends-a matter which was OF great use
to me in after life. In fact from the time
when entered upon Senatorial life all my
pitching into the South has been IN purely
PickwIckian sense, and no matter what sad
in nv speeches, / always managed my swing
y Ing, socially, SO as TO SWING tounu an tne
Southern Senators | ever knew and knew,
and indeed made pretty much all OF them) so
that we were ever on the best OF dining, win
ming. and general whiskey drinking terms. / {
81 course studied law-that is, l devoted
my attention specially to International law to
see how lar that interesting supjec, was hkely
to be affected by My diplomatic Colfespon-
dence in future years. l then settieu IN Tue !
town Of Auburn, whose citizens occasionally
address in the person of my son Frederick, In
The hack parlor or if the weather permits IN
the summer house, in my back yard. In the
latter case the copy or the speech
which leave in advance with the new ioTk
papers, appears with the heading, My speech,
delivered on Ny Grounds TO MY renoW-Citi
zens of My Auburn"
And | am the first and only living
man that eyer succeeded in hosting himself
by the waistcoat of his breeches
In 1874 to my great surprise, MI. Gay, anu
not myself, was nominated by My fafty Tor
the Presidency. AT that time was ony one
hundred ard forty three years Old, and the
history OF youth is the history OF hope. 1
could wait have waited. -Four years after,
to nv great surprise, My Party the Old Wing
Pafty--.'a poor thing, but mine own" noml-
mated, not Me, but General Taylor ana by
thunder, the most surprising thing OF ALL they
elected him then waited till 1852, when
MY Party nominated not Me, but Gen. Scott.
I waited till 1856, and Ny Party nominated
Gen Fremont, and in 1860, and again in 1868,
not only NV PARTY but My Own conventions
nominated Mr.. Lincoln. But l shall walt.
And during Mr.. Lincons inst term, as my
little tea-bel and My Diplomatic CORE spon-
dence show, was virtually at the head oi NY
iai Governments -
NAV add that having long been the Telem-
aclu5 of MY Country, l have rather Ianen
into this style OF writing for young people OF
late, and have even used 1t in some OF MY
Dispatches. 1t amuses Da-a-a-roy and Mou-
sitter very much, and even the French Emper-
or, who seldom unbends, has been seen 10
10 |
Mexico. $500 80 e.
BRANCH LINE No. 2-THE Boy OF THE
WIGwAM.
lam the Boy of the Wigwam. l am the
little Boy OF the Wigwam. My parents call
me uanky Raynond, but always goes with
the Public by the name of the Boy. blacks
and ticks the boots, and blows the noses and
wipes away the tears of the visitors. am
contortionist am; amuses the tellers what
comes here by turning OF myself lLslde out
and outside ia: L kin stand on my head and
nv heels at one and the same time. The Da-
Venport Brothers isn't path TO me. Wy,
only the other day performed trick which
has paralyzed everybody with wonder. took
tureen OF Treasury soup and held out at
arms length, and at the same time repeatedly
turned myself inside and outside OF my round
about without spilln diop OF The soup or
damagin OF myself ct, or maxim the slight
est wrinkle in my coat between us, nad
that ere garment made very loose, and split
under the sleeves SO as to tuIn easy am
very funny Teller, sometimes am. lhe other
day maue a tableau OF myself. You'd ought
er a seen me. 1t was a very amusin thing. L
was a standin in front OF the Wigwam
countin of the pennies which had made by
sellin newspapeIs-for there is one paper
which gifts Tor nothin and OF which sells
several copies daily to ieliers who write Tor it,
and Veteran greenies-as l was sayin, was
nj xVhi 1 made.
and was standin with my face TO the Wig
wan door SO that no other Boy should catch
sight oil me and play grab, when who should
1 see comm out OF the Wigwam bat the
great Weeper. "Boy, says he i'll d voice OF thun-
der mixed with bitters and sugar, look at
them boots! L thought you cleaned them
boots OF this mornin2 p "Yes sir" says l,
rollin my tongue, 1 knowed what war comm,
"Yessir, so did, 1Vel," says he, Now you
Just git down and clean them yer boots agin."
So just drops down and war bendln over,
when heard step 1 knowd very well-a
step behind me--anu then ielt kick that
knowd still better. Old Ihad, yer see, always
wears square .toed boots, and he plants EN-
firm, and tor an old man he do kick powerful
strong Now the Umble individual he pre-
tends not to see old Thad. He smiles blandly
at nothing all The while, only lookin down oc-
casionally and pintin out with his toe the pc
cooiiar spots tnat needed extra touches. l
diuu luiH Tounu anu So Olu L nau he sent IN
couple OF busters that fairly loosened evera
hair in my body. Boy" he yowled, ''look at
my boots" Now, exercisin one of the numer-
GUS double facilities that possess, 1 cast a look
backwards at the blogans that was at this
time playin like the walking beam of ferry
boat. in an instant perceived that somthn
must be did. You will please to remember
that old rhad, he stood square behind me, a
plunging away like mad. Without stoppn
the final polishin on the kips of the 'Umble
lndivid, simultaneously began operations
on the gumboats OF Thad-cleann both pairs
OF boots at one and the same timei What
made this feat more remarkable is the fact
that Old fhad never stopped his kickin for
mannit e AE@ tf
Gentlemen, thank you for the nickels. an
in return will perform sevral of nv most
amoosin tricks. You see me hold myself out
at arms length by the slack of the trousers
That's nothn It's much easier to do that
than TO sell the Times You see me looking
fore ways at onst. That's one of my most ex-
traordinary tricks. viii any gentleman be
good enough to kick me? like to be kicked.
So help me Bob, like to be kicked. 1t hurts,
but like it. You perceive, gentlemen, that
kickIn doesn't affect me. Imakes no COM
plants Even when l am kicked the worstest,
can smile and smile and be Little Villain.