The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1867-12-07
NATURAL HISTORY OF BABIES.

BABIES are the passive items of humanity
who go through life wearing mental bib and
tucker.
The Boy BABY is painfully bashful young
man, to whom nature, for wise purposes no
doubt, has denied the faculty of self-assertion
that pertains to mascultnes, he is generally q
tall, slender young man, VINO has Ihe appear
Snce of being drawn out, like telescope, to
the utmost limits that his constitution Will
allow His feeble heart does not seem to have
the power to pump the vital fluid to his far dis
tant head, and consequently he Is of that palltd
complexion which is popularity supposed TO
denote consumption, except when pretty girl
talks to him, and then the vital organ that
drums delirium In his narrow chest sendsa q few
drops OF the carnation tint to the end OF his
contemplative nose. When the b. b. enters
room in which there is company, he looks as II
half dazed with the bright glances OF the la
dies, and sinks hastily away to a seat in the
farthest corner, where he can be out of reach
of the surveillance of bright eyes. II the u.
the company Of his sisters or his mother.
or with some female relative whose con-
sauguinity forbids the idea of gallantry. The
B. B. never gets into the scrapes that seem
necessity with young men OF his age. Ii any
practical joke is proposed, or any little esca-
pade Is planned, by his companions, he has
never-failing excuse TO go home so as TO be out
of the way of mischief AT his tongues end he
has set of first class axloms that with him
stand in the place of discretion and Judgment,
and by these is he guided when any of those
little ebuTlitions of wildness that effervesce
from the masculinity of vlrile young men
threaten to bubble up In uproarious action.
The i. B. is goody individual, If goodness
| not much more that is right. He never let's
slip an OATH or even indulees in one of those
good substitutes for profane swearing that are
more vigorous than their principals; he never
smokes nor drinks nor fiirts, nor tibs, nor asks
for latch-key nor stays out at church
till past midnight - not because he is
painfully convinced of tho hideousness of
moral obliquities, butsimply because he has not
been weaned by the responsibilities OF man;
hood from the dependencies OF childhood, and
hangs to the moralities of the apron-strlng be
cause ne feo mas & mot as XeI TSe Is
thorn in the sides of masculine, self-asserting
young men; for he is often cited as an example
of preternatural virtue, as specimen OF the
brick of which paradise is built and as an en-
bodiment of all the good boy virtues In retalla-
tion, his compeers call him spooney, lick
spittle, and other depreciating dtminutives
A little while and nature Will assert her power,
or perish in the attempt The b. D. VIII dle OF
sheer inantty or. become that compound OF
fiery desires, q man; then farewell bib and
tucker good your-motherness, good, boy
book maxims, and patent noble examples.
THE BUSINESS BABY is that much to- be- pitied
individual whom all his acquaintance wonder
why he does not get along better-seeing that
he is steady industrious, Intelligent, and has
plenty of friends The Il. b. has strong tend
ency 10 remain in the same position of life in
which he is placed by circumstances. If he be
q clerk, others pass him in remuneration and
position; If he be q merchant, his business
seems to be affected with that most painful OF
all commercial diseaseB-a slow decline. he
sees, one after another, those who started with
him becoming wealthy through their enter
prise and tact; but he learns nothing from the
lesson, and though by no means unambitious,
does not better himself The b. B. never makes
hard bargain; but is often Victimized by those
who are acquainted with his indolency of mem
tality. When his nelghbors are in pecuniary
trouble, they are in the habit of applying for
help to the B, b., who seldom can muster
courage enough 10 say no; bat when he is In
simi ar predicament he Is not able TO demands
return OF faYorS, but asks for aid in such
hesitating. bungling way, that he is almost in,
stantly refused. The b. b. is generally well
spoken of. Like most amiable, indolent peo-
ple he has many friends in words; and when
he sinks to impecuniosity, he tinds hundreds
to pity him. but not one TO offer him assist
ance; to alter he old blasphemous maxim,
men are inclined TO help those only VINO help
themselves.
THE BENEDICT BABY IS one of those soft
hear ted husbands VINO have not emerged rom
the mellifluous influences OF the honeymoon.
de is generally a little withered specimen of a
| man who has been dragged into the bonds OF
| wedlock by a tall and strapping specimen OF
| iSrninine aVolrdupois. de Is kept down by the
| aaneSer weight of his female companion. Many
NINE lime and oft he has resolved TO be a man and
paS, mat he Is master in his house, bat at the
| iovs ~ siSe Sign OF revolt, the stern "rhomas, my
| hundred dSeaIesed with unctuous weight Of one
| soan brinasn n .nIty pounds OF hard, pungent soft
SsoaP nrlngs hlnl 10 a sense of his own insiRni.
noeuoe , @ .snu washes ali the starch az MS inde-
| penuebce out oi his little hodV R,St otrar sre.
clmens OF ~ B 3 there are ths taIi cbi.,ei,on1s
gentleInanly Benedict vseddaS vi ~, -
querulous, cOncenlrated VinesaS ,,,ai 'S iS,Ss ~ 4
wife. He Is too high-sonied t aI-Vial M OF "a y
afraid OF the worlds censuTe To- 100 zoo mneh a
her, and sees NO other way bat esrs suhSSli IRON