The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1867-05-29
A Patent Hard.s.hell Sermon.


divine truth 'thout I'me cormanded. l.
bin a studdyin bout it a.heap, and 1haint
rite ded shore whether I'me commanded
TO preach today Or no, and when we
don't know what to do The Skriptel tells.
US not to be gided by sines and wonders
and tokens. Soyonder sets o jay-bird on
that ar stump out yander; if hit fiize, hits
q sine ] Ime TO preach, and thetust pasidge
nv Skripter j lay my ize on arter openn
the word, hits to be tho tex. (Some one
just then passing near the stump, the
bird few.) Thar, hits gone, and here's
tie tex. They that (reading very slow
ly),are not fur US are aginst US, and they
that gethereth not with us scatter
eth (spelling) scratches b-r-o-a-d board.
They TINT ar not fur us ar agin US. and.
they that together not with US usscratcheth
a board Now, my bretherin Quitting on
. small head of steam, which the reader
will imagine TO increase as the Rev. cler-
gyman warns with his subject these
words ar found in the leds nv the Bible
ali. This solum sentens Gums to you
frum the Skripters Nv di7ne truth, and
hits God thretnin nv you-talnt me,
yore poor, unworthy pastor-ah.
They that ar not fur us ar agin .us-ah.
Now, in order fur us TO find out who's
not agin us, we must fust find out who's
fur us; and in the mex place, in order to
find out who's agin us, we must lind out
who amt fur us.ah. 1har's the Prsby-
terean, with his safti6ngercd religion,
and he's agin us-ah And thar's the mis-
sionery Babtis with His high. school -reli-
gion, and he's agin ns.ah. And thar l,: m the
Metherdis with his backsldin religion,
and he's agin us-ah. And thar's the poor
hard .hartened, heli-des.!rvin slnnerah,. a
runnin three times fastprn dose nv salts
ali. land here let me say don't believe
the whale TUX salts when: Jonar wus in
his belly-leastwise. sich amt my opinion
ah,) and he's agin us-ah. Yes, thar's
the Prisbytereans-ah, 'missionerys-al',
| Metherdists-ah, sinners and devils-ah,
all workin and rootin and prizen'
and a skruin and twistin to try to up
root the Hard.shels-ah but, glory to
Heaven, they kant do it, bekase it's the.
Hard d-shells-ah. Yes-ah; it's shell on the
top and shell on the bottom--ah; shell ON
the outerds and shell on the innerds-ah.
And they kant brake it, nur they kant
crack it-ah. They jest as well try to
dip the oshun dry with q teaspoon, ur
ride nv sun Isick's wild bob-tailed pony
with cockspur under the saddle-ah--
They cant do it-no, my sistcrs-ah, they
can't and they shan't and they never
won't -ah-leastwise sich is my urpin-
Iion-ah. And this fetches inc to the sec
ond pintin my tex-ah. They that gether
not with us scratcheth % board-ah. Oh !.
nv friends it makes me shake and trim.
lble wus tllan old Bill Shazer when j
think about this orful and sollum sentens-
uh; and this punishment. which it'soems
Hike it's wussnur any main Can stand it-ah;
hit makes my ole neze pop tugethef like
the boys beetin Nv the bones when /
think aboutsit-ah-when think who's
gotrto mete this orfui s'entens and attend
10 this sollum scratchin-ah. Ha! it's
them that getheretll not with us-ah; it's
them as don't attend the getherins Nv the.
Hard-shells, but strayt round clsewhar
like luce hosses-ah.. Satonl have 'em all
IL scratchin bourd, and that's what
makes 'em callhim Old Srratch-ah. Yes.
metllinx see wi'the ize o my innermans
the saft-6ngered Pristy tyterians, the high
schooled missionaries, and the back-slidin
! Metherdists-a motley yang-ah-a .marfll=
in into hell fore abreast, q weepin and a
iwailin and Il nashin Nv their teeth, and a
scratchin NV THAR board-ah. !
| An methix I see the. poor, cussed mis-.
cradle sinner, bumped down like unto a
| tailor q cuttin out kote, a scratchin away
at his board-ah. All! my breathrin, you
that had the each and the .smallpoX-ah, |
see the tears Il stricllin down yore fases,
but it won't be that kind Nv scratcliin-;h.
Hit won't be saft fesh-ah; hit'l be hard
wood-ati; hit won't be ezin whar you
scratch-ah, whar sou feel the eachn. No,
no; YOU wont have no time to attend to
that kind nv scratchin else but
scratchin Nv board-ah. Them folks as
fings tharmonny away on Sunday slIules
and missionerys and :si:h as that, them |
have to scratch board-ah. And them
that plazo the fiddle, and them that bets,
and them that place kards, and them that
crosses thar legs when they'rea dancin-
ah. Them. don't attend the getherins, and
they've got to scratch thar evetlastin
board, fur what sayeth tho Skriptcr-ah!
They that gether not with US scratcheth
a board-ah. All! young man (alluding to
one of the audence) you needn't to set
over thar lookin at mo as kunnin as a
fox in a hen house trying to gain the ef-
fections Nv shanghigh, a settn thar a
latin at the Skipters-ah. You'll be in
- il, few years more-ah, a weepin,
and a wailng, and a nashin Nv yore teeth,
and a scratchin Nv yore board;ah. And
it amt gwino to be nun nv your saft
wlite-pino boards:ah No, my poor, yelp-
ing sinner, hit'I be a hard, snary, nctty
black-gum OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES, sich is my
urpinion land thar you'll have to scratch
and scratch and scratch wus'n4a gray
L. 4 .s,t.., b, 4