North Branch democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Pa.) 1854-1867, 1867-06-26
CURTAIN LECTURE CONCERNING
SKATING.
"Oh 60 to sleep, you old fool!
"Mr. Twain, i ann surprised and grieved

"Don't interrupt me, woman tell you
it's absurd-you learn to skate ! You'll be
wanting to play fairy in the Black Crook
next. tell you skating is an accomplish
ment suited only to youth and grace and
comeIiness of face and symmetry of figure.
Nothing is so charming as to see beauti-
fnl girl, in the coquetish costume of the
rinks, with cheeks rosy with exertion, and
eyes beaming with excitement, skimming
the ice like bird-and swooping down
upon group of gentlemen, and pretend
ing she can't stop hersIf, and landing in
the arms OF the very young man her father
don't want her to know-and dartlng
away again aud falling ON her head and ex-
posing herself-exposing herselfto remarks
about her carelessuess, Madam-hold your
tongue !-and always taking care to fall
when that young man is close by to pick
her up. 1t is charming They look pref
ty and interesting, too, when they are just
learning-when they stand still long
time in one place, and then start one foot
out gingerly, and it makes break for the
other side Of the pond and leaves the bal
lance Of the girl sprawling on this side.-
But you ! You look fat and awkward and
dismal enough any time; but when you
are on skates you waddle Of ss stuffy, aud
stupid and ungainly as O buzzard that's had
half horse for dinner. won't have it,
Madam And you get under little pre-
carious headw.y and then put your feet to-
gether and drift along, STOPPING your head
and shoulders and holding your arms out
like you expected church was going to
fall on you it aggravates the life out of
me- And Tuesday, when L was ass enough
to get on skates myself, and kicked the
Irish Giants eye out the first dash, and lit
on my head and cracked the ice so that it
looked like the sun with all its rays and
had dropped where I struck, and they fined
me ninety two dollars for running the mans
pond, was terrified with the conviction
that | had gone through to the inside of
the world, because saw the parallels of
latitude gIimmering all around me and
what was it but you, in your awkwa'df,ess,
fetching up'over me with your confounded
filters on ? You've got to discard those
things. I can't stand the pew rent, and
won't"
"Mr. Twain, I am surp-"
"Hold your clatter. l tell you you
shau't bring odium upon the family by
your disgraceful attempts to skate. sprawl.
Jog around with your big feet like COW
plowIng her way down hill in slippery
weather. May be you wouldn't be 80
handy about displaying those feet of yours
if you knew what occurred when | took
your shoes down 10 get mended."
what was it Tell me what it was -
tell me what it was this minute l just
know it's one of your lies =
"Oh don't mind it amt of any consc-
quence; 60 to Sleep"
"But it is of consequence You've got
10 fell me; you shan't ageravate me this
way: | won't go to sleep till know what
it was"
"Oh it wasn't anything"
"Mr. Twain, know better! You're
just doing this to drive me to distraction.
What did that shoemaker say about my
shoe? What did be do? Quick"
"Well, if you must know. he-he--how
ever. it's of no consequence"
"Mr. Twain"
"WelI, he-he took it and gazed upon
il long time in silence, and put his hand
kerchief to his eyes and burst into tears" !"
"Why you born fool Twain, are you
going stark, staring crazy z"
"He just stood there and wept as il his
heart would break, poor devil! There
nnxu Iaf'a fn slopn -
"Sleep, you lunatic I'll never close
my eyes till know what that idiot was
CRYING about--and You won't either, I can
tell you that. Come
"Oh! it don't matter.
"Mr. Twain, if you say that again, / will
make you sorry for it; what was that
numskull crying about?"
"Well, he-he he"
"W-e-l-l, be. Out with it do you
want me to-to-Twain. I'll snatch them
pet fringes off till the sides your heads
as bald as the top of it !"
Well, he-poor fellow he said he do
ted on his grandmother-fairly dotted on her
She had Lursed him, you know, because
bis mother was feeble. and So Well, he
came to this country fifteen years ago. and
first he set up IN the vegetable line, and
got along pretty well, and was about to
send to England for the old lady, when
hard times came and he got broke. He
went into fruit then. and after that into
milk-in:o all sorts of things, you know;
but he got disappointed every time till this
present business fetched him out at last,
all right, and he sent right off for the old
woman. She landed hare four weeks ago,
but died the very same night. Itwas hard,
very bard, after all his waiting and toiling
for fifteen years, to get her over here at
last and have her die or his bands. He
he-well, he was disgusted. However, be
laid her out, and he and his friends sat up
with her, and by and by the memory of
her virtues softened bis bitterness and turn
ID it to q tender grief "A settled melan-
,holy that hung about hts spirits like pail
or many days. However, by patiently