Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1867-05-25
Easy Rules for CouI ting.
BY JOHN QUILL.

Having had much experience in the
science of ..ourting, | have determined
herewith to lay down some definite rules
for the guidance of my young friends.
You see. | bad good many unsuccess-
full courts before met my present wife
the females whom l loved having
gone emphatcally back on me. But,
bless you, didit harm me? No, it didn't;
l was benefited thereby. and when /
met my present love, l knew the ropes,
and gathering up my affections, l made
one fell swoop on Sallie's heart, and the
door thereof banged wide open and let
me in.
| will give you the rules, and shed
the sunny lightot illustration upon them
from my own life.
1st Never 90 courting the girls pa.
rents. You'd better edge up to the
cha mer at once for you can't marry
her if you don try, unless she wants
you, and you may be aLle to even if the
old folks are down upon you.
This is the policy pursued by myself
in my last successful attempt.
I'd. BY all means get the girls ma
down on ycu as much as possible. If
the old lady is always blowing against
you, the little dear begins to take your
part, and can't help loving you.
did this way, and my present moth
er-in-law u-ed to throw brooms and
washboards at me, and teach the dogs
to bite me in the trousers as | climbed
over the fence.
n. B She's got over it now, and
lives at my house without paying board.
If remorse testers in her soul in conse-
lquence of her conduct however, have
not seen it yet.
Sd. If you see any other fellows
prowling around, always euchre them if
you can. If you see one of them buy
ing tickets for the opera, go right up
and make an engagement with the girl,
and get your tickets afterward; and
when they visit the house always act as
if you were at home and they were only
visitors. and never leave first.
always did this. and have frequent
ly sat until daybreak, while the fair one
snored away on the sofa. You can't
bluff me- No sir, ha! ha! I guess not.
would have been there yet if the fell
low bad stayed.
4th. If the old man has worldly
wealth, express dislike to greenbacks,
ana hankering after love in small
house
STU, If you are alone in the parlor,
You may sometimes try whether your
arm fits we'll on her waist
tried this once, and called forth
piercing scream, which induced her
heavy father aud two brothers to chuck
me down the front steps. So be careful
9th. When you inquire if she will
have you, don't fall on your knees-it's
ridiculous, besides being rough on trou-
sers, Just take her by the hand aud
speak out like man.
| once behaved similarly to female,
and said,
"Will you be mine p
She answered rather abruptly:
"Not much, won't"
1t is likely she would have been lit
tie, but l didn't care about pursuing
the subject any further.
7th. When you are engaged don'tgo
off like an old jackass, and begin buy
ing teaspoons, and wash boilers, and
candies 1t is unwise, and excites COM
meDt.
Why, recolect was so glad I went
right off and purchased a baby-jumper
and gum-ring. ..
1t Was long, long while ere those
thugs became necessary, aud the baby
jumper had shrunk SO that when We
put the first of the Quills into it, it sud.
denly up, and came frigbtfully near
battering the devoted chid's brains out
against the ceiling, while the gum-ring,
having been kept in box with cock
roach poison, threw the baby into fits,
and he Cit was boy) had spasms in the
crib for four days. 1t was frightful
9Th. If girl refuses you, don't give
it up, but try il again. Because two
negatives make an affirmative in gram
mar, however, don't consider yourself
accepted when a girl jilts you twice.
| asked one female forty one times,
and at last she got to expect it whenev.
er came, and sometimes would holer
out "No y from the top of the stairs,
before | got fairly in the house.
This is unusual, here let me remark.
9th. Kiss all the little children in
the house even if they are dirty, and do
smear molasses- andy through your hair
Let the boys play horse with you aud
make a fool of you generally. This al
ways works. It's trump card, if you
play it right.
10Th, and finally, if there are two
sisters, and the old one is jealous, get
some of your friends to choke her of,
while you 90 in for the younger.
did that once, and used to get my
friends to ask the senior girl out every
evening, but she found me out, and
used to arrange hair-pins in the sofa
cushions before she went out, SO that it
was extremely uncomfortable. -.
Thus it will be seen that when court
ing Is alluded to, am right there; aud
If any further information is wanted,
send HE letter, enclosing stamp,
(ffty cenis,) and will chcerfully give
it gratis
BURY your troubles, but don't linger