The western Democrat. [volume] (Charlotte, N.C.) 1852-1870, 1867-03-05
FIFTEENTH yOLUME--NUmBER 7s7.
COUSIN SALLY DILLARD.
By HAMILTON @. Jones

COUSIN SALLY DILLARD.
BIZ HAMILTON @. JONES.
TIT is about time to republish the following
amusing story, and we therefore give it place
Scene-A Court of Justice in North Carolina:
| A beardless disciple of Themis rises and thus
addresses the Court: sMay it please your
worships and you, gentlemen of the jury, since
it has been my fortune (good or bad will not
say,) to exercise myself in legal disquisiton, it
! has never betallen me tD be obliged to prosecute
| so direfuliy marked ASSAULT more wilful,
violent, aud dangerous battery, aud finally q
more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom
! happened ia civilized country; and dare say
| it seldom has been your duty to pass upon one
SO shocking to benevolent feelings, as this which
took place over at Captain Rices in this county;
but you will hear from the witnesses" -,
| The witnesses being sworn. two or three were
examined and desposed One said that he
heard the noise but did not see the fight; al.
other that he saw the row, but did not know
who struck first, and another that he was very
drunk and couldn't say much about the skrim-
| mage. '..-'
Lawyer Chops-I am sorry, gentlemen, 20
have occupied your time with the stupidity Of
| the witnesses examined. Il arises gentlemen,
from misapprehension on my part. Had I
known, I do, that I had witness who was
acquainted with all the circumstances of the
case and who was able to make himself clearly
understood to the court aud jury, I should not
have tresspassed SO long on your patience
Come forward, Mr. Harris, and be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fat chuffy
old man, "leetIe" corned, and took his oath
with an air.
riot that happened the other day at Captain
"a al IF haa ali Do haA
wasted in circumocution, we wish you to DO
compendioas, at the same time as explicit %
possible.
Harrs-Adzakly (giving the lawyer know.
ing wink, at the same time clearing bis throat,)
Captain Rice he gin treat, cousin Sally billiard
she como over to our house and axed me if my
wife she mouto't 90. l told cousin Sally billiard
that my wife was poorly, being as how she had
touch of rheumatics in the hip, and the big
swamp was up in the road, there havin' been .
great deal of rain lately, but howsomever as il
was she, cousin Sally billiard, my wife she mout
go. Well, cousin Sally billiard then axed me
if Nose he mount go. l told cousin Sally
billiard thst he was foreman of the crap, and
the crap vas smartly in the grass; but, howson,-
ever, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose
he mout CO.
Chops-In the name of common sense, Mr.
Harris, what do you mean by this rigmarole
Witness-Captain Rice he gin treat, and
cousin Sally billiard she como over to my house
and axed me if my wife she moutn't 90, and I
told cousin Sally Billiard
Chops-Stop, sir, if you please, we don't want
to hear about your cousin Sally Dillard, or your
wife; tell us about the fight at Rices,
Witness-WelI, l will, sir, if you will let me-
Chops-Well, sir, go on.
Witness-Well, sir, Captain Rice he gin
C-l
my house, aud axed me if my wife she mout 20.
Chops-Here it is again. Witness, please do
stop
Witness-Well, sir, what do you wsnti
Chops-We want to know about the fight,
and you must not proceed with this impertiasnt
story. Do you know anything about the matter
before the Court
Witness-To be sure do.
Chops-Well, go on, then, and tell Il, and
nothing else.
Witness-Wel, Captain Rice he gin treat
Chops-This is intolcrabe. May it please
the court, move that the witness be com mitted
for a contempt. He seems to be trifing with
this court.
Court-Witness, you are Before the court Of
justice, and, unless you behave yourself in
more becoming manner, you will be sent to Jail;
so begin aud tell what you know about the 6ght
at Rice's. -
Witness, somewhat alarmed-Well, gentle
men, Captain Rice he gin treat, aud cousis
Sally Dilard-
Court-(after deliberating) Mr. Attorney, the
court is of opinion that we may save time by
letting the witness go on in his own way. Pro-
ceed, Mr. Harris, with your story, bat stick 70
the point.
Witness-Yes, gentlemen. Well, Captain
Rice be gin a treat, and cousi, Sally Dillard
came over TO our house and axed me II my wife
she mount go. / told cousin Sally billiard that
my wife she was poorly, being how she had
the rheumatis in her hip, and the big swamp
was up; however, as it was she, cousin Sally
billiard, my wife she mout go. Cousin Sally
billiard then axed me if Nose he moutn't 20.
l told cousin Sally billiard as how Nose was the
foreman of the crap, and the crap was smartly
in the grass, out howsomever, as il was she,
cousin Sally billiard, Nose he moat 20. So
they goes on together, Nose, my wife, aud cousin
Sally billiard, and they comes to the big swamp,
aud it was up, as was tellin' you; but being a.
how there was log across the big Swamp, cousin
Sally billiard and Nose, like genteel folks, they
walked the log, but my wife, like darned fool,
jest histed her coats and waded right through
Chops-Heaven and earth, this is too bad;
but go on. ..ss.
Witness-wsll, that's all know about the
fight.
GIFT EsTERPRIsEs.-A late Confederate
officer writes 70 the Richmond Examiner, that