Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1867-07-23
SEa1gs.

- iSENgs.
Wanted-the boy who sat in the lapse OF ages.
In most cases editing is another word for pen
ury.
If the ant gives an example of industry, it is
much more than good many uncles do.
An incurable old bachelor, and who seeming
" rejoiced In his infrmity, describes marriage
as female despotism tempered by buildings.
Dancing taught in one lesson Drink bottle
of Scotch whisky and you will be able, without
any further instruction, to perform Scotch
reel.
One of our exchanges praises an egg, which,
it says, Twas laid on our table by the Rev. MIR.
Smith" Mr. Smith seems to be lay as
well as minister. -
A Yankee boasting of a visit which he had
paid to the queen of England, clinched his re-
marks bysdecIaring, II should have been invi-
ted to stay to dinner, but it was washing day."
Do you believe in the appearance of spirits,
father?" asked fast young man of his indul-
gent sire. mo, Tom, but [ believe in their
disappearance, since | missed my bottle Of old
rye last night
An editor thus INDUCES his delinquent SUBJ
scribers I'VE don't want money desperately
bad, but our creditors do, and they no doubt
owe you. you pay us, We'll pay them, and
they II pay you. !"
A fellow contemplated in utter bewilderment
the magnitudinous dimensions of bystander' s
feet and In tone of astonishment said as he
surveyed the man S proportions: You'd have
been tall man, if they hadn't bent your legs
so far up.
A western editor lately married one of his
compositors, another compositor acting as
bridesmaid, the officiating clergyman being a
retired printer the local editor giving the bride
away. ,e.
An exchange asks: Where was the devil?-
He'll be there after while-we spose.
An Irishman who had left his native country
and sought an asylum in America, because it
was land of liberty, was attacked on his first
arrival, in December, by furious mastiff. He
stopped to pick up stone to defend himself
but it was frozen fast. by my sowl" says
Pat, what a swate country, where the dogs are
all let loose, and the stones tied fast. !" g.
Two gentlemen standing together, as young
lady passed by them, one of them said:
''There goes the handsomest woman | ever
saw
She turned back, and seeing him very ugly,
said -
II wish I could in return say as much of
you.
$50 you may, madam" said he ''and lie as
did
An exchange, in speaking of absent minded
ness tells a remarkably tough story of bache-
lor friend. 1t says: 'tHe is in the habit when
he comes to his tea, fputting the kettle on the
stove and taking snooze until the kettle begins
10 sing; wflen he would get up and make his tea.
The other evening" being little Frustrated on
the account of old Simpkin daughter cutting
him ON the street, he put the kettle on the lounge
and got upon the stove himself, and never dis
10, lo=ho -
A yankee genius out West conceiving that a
little powder thrown upon some green wood
would facilitate its burning, directed small
stream upon the smoking pile, and not possess
ing hand sufficiently quick to cut this off at a
desirable moment, was blown to pieces. Cor
oner Smith thus reasoned of the verdict:
cit can't be called suicide, because he didn t
mean to kill himself; is wasn't visitation of
God, because he wasn't struck by lightning; he
didn't die for want of breath, because he had
nothing left to breathe with. Its plain he did
not know what he was about, so [ shall bring
in Died for want of common sense
Not long since German was riding along
Sansome street, near Sacramento, when he
heard the whizzing of a ball near him, and felt
his hat shake. He turned and saw man with
a revolver in his hand, and took off his hat and
found a fresh bullet hole in it,
Did you shoot at me?' asked the German.
Eyes, replied the other party, that's my
horse it was stolen from me recently.
''Yo on must be Mistaken said the gentle
man II have owned the horse for three years -
We'll said the other. when come to look
at him, / believe | am mistaken. Excuse me,
sir; won't you take drink p
SAILORS YARNs.-Two sailors being in com
pany together, were relating the most remark
able incidents that had happened in their voy-
ages. One said they found it so hot going to
Guinea that they used no fire to boil their ket-
tie, but dressed their meat above deck in the
sunshine; and could bake, boil, fry, OR stew as
well as at. large fire. The other said, II new
er was In so hot climate as that, but I've been
many degrees to the northward, where it was
SO cold that it froze our words in our mouths so
that we could not hear one another speak, till
We came into warmer latitude to thaw them;
and then all our discourse broke out together,
like clap of thunder: there never was such a
confusion OF tongues heard at Babel
A FIx.-The Nashville Gazette gets off the
following:
The country has gone to the dogs; Presiden-
tlal vetoes are not worth continental; Con-
gress is webbing toward perdition; the beast
Butler, has been let loose again ten States
have gone up the spout; gold is crazy; cotton
has fizzled; the rivers are obstropulous; the
weather needs reconstruction the railroads are
demoralized; the bridges are turned into float
ing pontoons the steamboats, into explosive
compounds; trade is nowhere, and mud is ey
erywhere and greenbacks are so scarce that
we have to pay our State officers with gold. -
Besides, Brownlow' S sick and the Legislature
are going to adjourn because they can't think
of any more mischief to do. In short, Pande-
monium is afoat, the fires are out, and the Old
Boy can't swim.
--s~-
The Robin-by J. Billings.
''The red brestid robbing is bird mucblv
dotted onto by Seminary girls and potts.
"Gentlemen farmers also enkurridge the rob-
bing becos he swalloweth insex when he cant
get sno or anything else to eat.
But practical farmers and fruit growists be-
gin to don't see it,