Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1867-07-25

a protracted meeting which | held there
I was engaged one hundred and twenty.
three nights In succession. My nervous
system became weak and over.exclted.
MY debts perfectly overwhelmed me at
times. | sought the society OF the young,
and where most freedom and gayety
could be found there | visited most free.
ly. This gave occasion for talk. Some
scandal soon started In connection with
my name, But as God Is true, only
sought this society In preference to the
more sober to drown my trouble OF
mind | was proud and willful and
would not listen 10 the counsel oil
friends. Up to this time my reputation
as a minister had not materially sur
ferred. As the last year drew 10 close
my reputation was suffering more than
l was at the time aware Of was in
discreet, | called at the house OF the
family with whom my name has been
so sadly associated more frequently than
| ought to have done. did NOT only
myself an injury, but the family also.
But God knows | did not intend TO In
lure any one. Two or three OF the fam
ily we're members OF the choir and ex-
cellent singers. This served 70 furnish
relief from the gloom and darkness
which had settled down upon as. l al
ways appeared cheerful. But II was all
put on. was miserable indeed. When
on my way West, met the lady whose
name had been so unfortunately associs-
ted with my own in Troy, and accompa-
MED her to Albany,-a most careless
and imprudent step This gave occasion
for that awful article which appeared In
the Times, charging us with an sl3pe-
ment. When that article was published
we were more than two hundred miles
apart, and when the paper WAS handed
me and read the article the last ray Of
light seemed to be extinguished. 1 was
on my way home. Oh God my mind
wandered and my brain was on fire. I
tried to pray. | wept and walked the
boat. returned to Troy and secured a
retraction in the papers. But whatever
paper I took in my hands from distant
parts OF the country, my eyes were hor'
rifled with the most extravagant and
false statements in relation to me.
And here l desire to say, that no part
OF the blame or censure belonging to
me for imprudence or wrong doing in
this whole matter should be cast upon
the young lady involved in this sad
affair. am older, and on my uncovered
head let the blows of condemnation
fall. l am to blame. Every fair minded
person will see that what I now say
cannot ha enid m screan mo or in any
way help my case, further than as truth
will do it. But as God IS my judge,
and as I expect to give strict account
at His bar in the last great day for all l
speak and do and as | hope for acquit-
tai when all men shall stand silent be-
fore God, so far at any crime is con-
cerned with me, or any other being on
earth, az far as l know, that young
lady is as pure as the stars that shine
over her head by night, or the sun which
lights her path by day.
went home to my desoate and sor.
row. bowed family. l tried to hope. 1
tried to pray. A horror OF darkness
came over me. | owed full one thous-
and dollars, three hundred of which was
bank paper just due, and but one hun
dred dollars on earth to pay the debts.
My reputation was blasted-my hopes
crushed. l walked my house. ] walk
ed the streets in gloom. did not know
what to do. resolved to throw myself
into the river and either sink to the bot
tom never to rise, or escape in the dark
ness and never be seen again by any one
knew. / arranged the grim and dread
full work with the hot tears burning
their way down my face. Z plunged
wildly and madly into the stream. But,
oh God! The agonizing cries or my
poor affrighted boys tore into my bleed
ing heart. l made my way out far
down the river. ran to my house, and
passing up through the cellar, got some
dry clothes, and started on my dreary
and desolate course towards Canada.
All night long | walked, and cried and
prayed, those fearful cries tearing into
my heart and making me sick and faint.
But the awful deed was done. The ruin
was accomplished. For two weeks
moved about from place to place walk
ing desolation. For the first time it &C.
Cured to me that my life insurance
might be paid to my wife, supposing me
drowned, and at last subject her and my
family to the additional disgrace OF be-
ing suspected Of completely in wrong. l
wanted them to be pure and innocent as
the light of heaven. This | could not
bear. | went to my desolate room and
wrote letter to my distracted family that
| was alive, and not to take my money
on my life insurance. Oh God, what an
hour was that! began to realize as l
had not done before the awful fall had
experienced. Oh, held my poor throb-
bling temples in my hands. lay in
agony upon the floor. l tried to pray
When that letter was once in the office
felt an indescribable relief. But oh
the sadness of my poor heart What
sleepless nights! What long, weary
desolate days! Oh my poor Cordelia-
the companion of my youth How true
and pure, and forgiving My poor
Children Forsaking all their childish
sports to mourn for one whom they had
loved and trusted with the faith and
purity Of the angels All these things
hung upon me and filed me with hor.
ror of darkness. How many times
| asked myself the question Ia this trne