The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1867-07-17

intent will accept the following "Drill''
and practice accordingly:
Fall in love with some industrious
young woman. Attention pay to her
faithfully and respectfully. Right face
in popping the question, like man.
"Quick march to her parents and ask
their consent. File right with her to
the church, and go through the service
of matrimonv. Halt and reflect serious
ly upon the new duties which you have
assumed, and then perform them. Right
about face from the hannts which you
have frequented when single and prefer
your own home. advance arms to your
young wife when walking out with her,
and never leave her to trail behind.
Break of staying out at night and
other bad habits if you wish to have a
happy home.
The following little story shows that
the telegraph will sometimes make mis-
takes, and often of very ludicrous
character
1t seems that gentleman of Albany
telegraphcd to some New York ladies, to
announce the advent Of lady who was
going to that city to complete her bridal
TRoUssEAU. The wires. by some hocus-
pocus peculiar to electricity, delivered
the message as follows:
"Miss-goeS down this evening to
complete her bridal TROUSERS"
1t was cruel in the operators to credit
the expectant bride with so carly de-
sire for the en1blems of authority in the
welded state. Still there could be no
great harm done by the insinuation, as
it is generally supposed that brides,
though they may not prepare the article
! in advance, will eventually come into
possession & pair of trowsers.
Miss Julia diScourses eloquently and
her theme is popular one. She says:
Oh! the bonnets of my girlhood-the
kind wore to school. | really thought
them pretty them must have been a
fool. And yet used to think myself
on hats jaunty miss; perhaps | was,
as fashion went-but what was that to
thisl Oh! the lovely little buckwheat
cake-the charming little mat! it makes
my head so level, and so very, very fat.
Oh l.! sisters love is charming, as every
body knows, and a handsome cousin s
love is nice Chat is, I should suppose) q;
and the love of true lover is love that
cannot pall-but the love of new bonnets
is the dearest love of ali.
4 Lawyer built him an office in the
form Of Il hexagon, or six square. The
novelty of the structure attracted the at
tention Of some Irishmea who were pass
ing Ly they madc-a full stop and viewed
the building very critically. The law
yer, somewhat disgusted at their curiosi
tv, lifted up the window, put his head
out and addressed them:
"What do you stand there for like a
pack Of blockheads, gazing at ny office !;
do you take it for church ?''
"Faix," answered one Of them, 81
was tbinkin' so, till saw the devil poke
his head out of the windy"
The same lawyer it is said made the
following charge against client
"For waking up in the night ard
thinking of your. business-five dollars. "
Alta printers festival, the following
was the fifth regular toast: "The editor
and the lawycr--the devil is satisfied
with the. copy of the former, but re-
quires the original Of the latter"
An afflicted widowcr writes to an un-
dertaker: -
"Sur-My waff is ded, and Wants to
be berried to-morro. At Wunnor klock.
U nose wair to dig the hole-bi the side
of mi Uther waifs-let it be Deep"
The difference between little girls and
big girls:
Little girls believe in the man in the
moon-big girls believe in man in the
honeymoon.
A Yankee preacher discoursing in re-
gard to Daniel in the lions den, said:
sand there he sat all night long, g,-look-
ingat the show for nothing, and it did
not cost him cent"
Blessed are they which are prosecuted,
revilcd and despitefully used. We are
continually seeing some fling at the ladies
and wonder why it is, and congratulate
US on not being so spitefully inclined
Read now what few exchange papers
say:
a woman in Detroit has been arrested
for smuggling tea in her stockings.-Ex-
! press
In North Carolina the women carry
nails in their stockings.-Raleigh Pro-
gress.
Nothing wonderful. The ladies of
Forsythc carry calves in their stockings.
Cause our devil says he's seen 'em do
it.--Salem Observer.
The Jewish women we're once punish
ed for adoring false calf
Let the women of this country take
warning Atianta Era.
Better give the caution to the men! -
Lexington Reporter.
An ingenious savan, informs unscicn-
tifc people tha: if the earth were shot
at the sun from its present distance and
with its present velocity, and telegram
simultaneously sent to the solar inhab-
itants, they would receive the message