The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1867-01-26
sen.e md Nonsense.

photographers ep;taph-"Taksn fror
life"
Warm and cold-Hottentots and Chilian
How much doe, fool weigh generally
4 simple ton.
Never make spolt of a lady's complexion
Its "Meen Fun.n
"It takes nine tailors to make a man
but one is enough to ruin him.
Why is a billiard player like a thief in
crowd? Because he aims for the pockets.
Why is the indorser of note called
! surety? Because he is almos: sure to hav
to pay it.
Why is the act Of a person walking up Lil
like black2uerdism? Because it is no
de(s) cent.
| Macmillan Is said 10 be a descendant o
the Cnsars. He i. certainly tho sezer 0
Mexico.
An ardent tonologist lately Tell in love
with lady solely because OF her beetl.
brows
Eiopements, divorces and crime are 50
numerous that the New York San thinks he
whole coa,ineat is iucontent.
A person asked An Irishman why he wore
his ssocki,gs wrong side outward.
Because" said he, there's hole on the
other side
my opinion is" said philosophical old
lady Of much experience and observation,
"tha, any ma S dies upon washing day
docs it out Of p"re spite"
An illi'era:c character has originated :he
following conunlrum: "Whlt Is the differ
ence between Ag, the Cansanite, aul GER
tain learned professor? The Canaanite was
Az ~ was, the professor Ag>as-ls.
A gentleman me, balf.witted lal in the
roal, end, placing il his had 4 sixpancs and
a poany, aske him which Of the two he would
choose. The lad replied that ''hs' wouldn' |
bs greedy aud tha: he'd take the smallest"
/, is related of two Scotch ministers tha,
the one asked the other if he were not sorely
tempted at ,ines to 90 fishing on the Sunday
afternoons. "Oh, mon repliel his fellow
lsborer, "im never tempted lang, l just
gang
4 young man was intrusiel with the money
10 bring his father home COOL family sew
ing machine. He carried of neighoor
daughter TO Chicae o, and brought her homo
declaring she Was the best family sewing
u achiae he could procure.
A lady from China who was diuing witt
the Archbishop told him ,ha. English fow-
ers reared in that country lost their p-riuma
in tive or three years. - Iudesd!' was the
inmesia.e remark, II had no idea that he
Chinese were such desceateSs."
The raiIl promotion in the army sine. the
war IS Illus Ist'd by the following: John"
said al sngraver 10 his clerk, take those
visiting card, for New Years day .? ,e
Major Williams. Now hurry; he NAV bs
ma lie Br gadier General By Brevet before
you get there, and then they'll b, left oa our
hands,
SAD & LADY TO four year old
Were you ever baptized, ;.iy boy ~
''No, bat johnny was"
'How was i. done, Robert =
"Why, DR.. Sutherland he took out hi.
knife aud stuck it into his arm, and then h.
pu. black patch over II bu. nc dida';
oapuze me =
Lord Dundrcary has just given has opinion
with regard TO that much vesed QUESTION
marriage with a deceased wifes sister. -
think saws he. marriage With deihsathsc
wifs'th tAither ith very proper and ec)nomi>
ca, b1caE!h when te!. TnaEli,h hiIk de-
ihca,hed wifc'.h thiibcr, hs hath oaly ore
rno'her-in law.
Il is an ancient cOnundrlm, Why =
Queen E.izebe:h more remarkable than The
Falls OF Niagsre? Because they are to2a-
der, bu: she WAS 4 Tudor Bl; there is an
in 2-ovement on it: A Norfolk farmer b.ilt
hinself homestead. and instead OF tne
"ha'f door" il the middle, set a door in aach
wisg. Beng ASKED why ne ealei his house
"Eliz.bethan," he replied: because. -ou
see, it is TIA Tor Two -do1r) cottage"
The rector of parish charch, near P,d,
stow, England, has been greatly annuyetby
people coming ITO church after the cpn>
insncement OF the services. Il hsppsnG
few Sundays since that his own servan $
two ss,ers-csme ia late, when the gsiilc-
man thus addressed them from the pupit
Il hereby give you. Elizabeth $ and
Kate C, months notice to lear M
service, in consequence Of yoa- comiai late
into church. The young women blu21 led,
and the congregation Uttered.
The SmitLheld Times tells another ,torv
Illustrative Of the old saw that the "coufe OF
rue love never did run smooth" A yang
couple in SmIthland hal laid out pln TO
outwit the vigilance of cruel parents AID
eIope. The Timss tells the sequel thua:-
The youth stood beneath the wihdow--the
lady attempted to climb out when, Oh !!
horror, some oao detained her from the rear
"Why dost thou not com, gentle Amelia -
She answered in an agita,ed voice: -
cant, Bi'l-nas got holt OF my I'll ers,'
Wo fna the following very excellent re e,
cipe in Boston paper: "To cause heal
thy glow to radiate through the body-Buy
one or more tons OF coal. Take care that i.
is of kind that will burn. Pay for the car.
| tage Have it distributed to the poor people
whom you know to be thnly cl ID, III poor
health, and generally destitute. You will
fi-o your heArt warm on the instant, ard the
heat will gradually extend to The extre ifie;
! This effect will be experienced more sudlic;
ly in the coldest weather
About the drollcst man alive is a chap now
in Chicago, we'll known IN Northern Vermont
by the name OF TIA Wait" Say what you
| nigh. 10 Tim, he always ready with q
repartee, and good one. On one occasion
he came to hotel in Burlington. loa King
rather iaded an down in the mouth "W ha, ;,
the matter. Tim ?" said one of the parry
! "You look rather the worse for the wear. :
why, you see, said Tim, 81 have not blep
a wink for these three nights. last night, to
night, nEd Tomorrow night" Having laf
the bar room in roar, Tim retired to d nak'
up his loss by triple snOoze.
Have you heard of,he Bowery boy, who
being cut short in a hard life by sore dis
ease, which quickly brought him to de hth'
door, was informed by his physician tha
medicine could do nothing for him ''W bat
my chances, doctor?' Not worth spea kin,
Of "One in twenty ?" "Oh. no." Is Il
thirty ?" "No." ''In 6fty?" II think bot
"a hundred ?" "Well, perhaps there nj by b
one in a han 'rcd.'' g l say, then, doc tor,
pulling him close down. and whispering wit
feeble earnestness in his ear, ''jest go in liz
all thunder on that one chance" The doc
tor "went in" and the patient recovered.
PYent1ccann.