The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1867-12-21
COMPILED BY OUR SERIES EDITOR.


tion.
why shouldn't a Swell do something for
himself in this way OF course, in applying
for the 13stopper you'd ask the following
questions
l. Does the Swell play the harmonium?
2. Does he require much pressing!
3. If he won't play (being sulky, or not
well, for instance) what may you do to him to
make him goH OF course, "If / had a donkey
n0hat ,oOaldn't," every one knows all about
that, but in the case of Swell the mode of
reatment is scarcely so clear.
a. If a family hires harmonium, will the
Swell take his meals with them, or by him
self, in his harmonium
5. Can the Swell be let out Let out with
safety-and, if so, may he be depended upon
to come back?
Many more interrogatories might be put to
the enterprising advertisers, but in any case
we have done our duty in making the above
suggestions, and CaUeat enptor?
HINT TO HEAD MAsTERs.-The dietary OF
our public schools would be greatly improved
by the addition of one article hitherto almost
entirely overlooked-English tongue.
MEMBERs AND MARKED MEN.-There are GER
tain gentlemen ESQ called) of whom it is safe
to predict that, in the event of any rebellion,
their names will figure in any petition or de-
bate that may give them an opportunity of
showing sympathy with the rebels. Every
constituent who is not traitor would do well to
consider whether any one of that lot is a fit
and proper person to represent him in Parlia-
ment.
TIE BEST PossEss1oN-S Self possession.
TELEeRAPHY AND ToRToIA.- The Atlantic
Cable does tell such lies Ito this country;
let us hepe not from it. Qugy-What are
the comparative numbers of falsehoods on an
average daily issuing from this end of the
Cable and that
All the electric wires, however, from
abroad, bring SO many false messages, that
telegram" will soon be synonymous with
'crammer." Whenever anybody says the
thing which is not, his hearers will OBJ
serve, "That's Telegram ~ and when you
tell girl anything that she doesn't believe,
she will exclaim, ooh, you Telegram !'' in
stead of ooh, you StoryW
From Judy.
THE DICKENS HE WILL we may confidently
anticipate that Mr.. Charles Dickens, as an
UncommerciaI Traveller in America, will re-
alize to the full, not Hard Times, but all his
(and ours too) Great Expectations. We also
hope that he will be successful in picking up
dollars and American Notes.
FOoD FOR REFLECTION Meat
THERE is an old saying that ''a straw will
break camel's back" but we see nothing
wonderful in that, as everybody knows "a
little leek will sink large ship"
A SEAsoNABLE INoUIRY.-Why should winter
be called the dead time of year? Is not
autumn rather the berry-ing season?
ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH.-Brevete is not
'the soul of wit" that's patent.
WANTED.-One of the London theatres is
delighting us just now with the Way to Get
Married. What people would be more
thankful for, we judge, is the way how to live
when they are married. The first is plan
easily understood, and as old as Adam.
"CoBBLER, Stick TO Your LAsT."-The
Licensed Victuallers have recently taken to
the selling of tea, as a set-of against the
GrOcers, for retailing wine. We consider this
Clashing of trades to be highly Objectionable,
and, like all other cases of double dealing, {"
calculated to injure those concerned in it.
DRAMATIC DEFINITIONS Legitimate Drama
The Heir at-Law. Il-legitimate Drama
NObody's Child.
A LASTING DoCUMENT-An iron will.
LATEST THEATRICAL NOVELTY.
New QUEENS THEATRE.-"Mr. Alfred
Wigan every evening in t,OO pieces" (see ad-
Vertisements). Judy has seen Professor Rubini
cut young lady's head off at the Egyptian
nan, but having great respect and esteem for
her old friend, Mr. Alfred Wigans, positively
refuses to patronize the New Theatre for the
mere purpose of gazing on his mutilated re-
mains. What next
Is IT FossiBLE-A correspondent writes to
MS IN reference to paragraph in our last
weeks impression, headed "a Roman oues-
tioD," and suggests that ''the Pope sbonld
take the three crowns off before retiring 70
rest, and then his head would lie easier >,
Can it be possible that he really believes that
'His Holiness" goes to bed attired like this ?
None er-scePtre lunatic would be guilty of such
a crOUaing pice of folly, surely
TIE LAST THEATRICAL Do(D) D)GE-"The Dog,
OfVenice," at Drury Lane.
SPORTING IETELLIGENcE-A stable mind.
FTOnl the T6mahdlOk