The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1867-05-29
A Patent Hard-Shell Sermon.

divine truth thou; I'me commanded.
bin studdyin bout it Il heap, and | haint
rite dcd shore whether Imc commanded
to preach today or no, and when we
don't know what to do the Skriptcl tells
US rot to be gided By sines and wonders
and tokens. So yonder sets q juv-bird on
that ar stump out yandcr; il hit iiizc. hits
a sine I'me to preach and the tust puSidgc
nv Siripter lay my ize on arter opcnin
the word, hits to be the tex. (Some one
just then passing near the stump, the
bird fcw) Thar hits gone, and here's
tic tex: They that (rcadins very slow
lv) are not fur US are agin>t us, aud they
that geihercth not with us scatter
eth (>pclling) scratches u b-r-o-a-d board.
They that ar not fur us ar agin us. and
they, that together not with us scratcllcth
Il board. Now, my brctherin Quitting on
a small head Of steam, which the reader
i will imagine To Increase as The Rev. clcr-
gyman warns with his subject,) these
words ar found in the leds Nv the Bible
all. This sollum sentcns Gums TO you
frum the Skripters w di:ine truth, and
hits God a tIretnin w you-tant me,
yore poor. unworthy pastor-ah.
They that ar not fur us ar agin us-ah.
Now. in order fur Us to find out who's
not agin us, we must tu>t find out who's
fur US; and in the mex place. in order to
fmlout who's agiu Us. We must tind out
who amt fur ns.ah Thar's the Prisby
tcrcan. with his saft-tinycrcd religion.
and hes agin uS.ah Aud lhar's the mis-
sionery Babtis with his high school rcli-
oion. and he's ayin us.ah. Aud tlar's the
Mcthcriis with his back>dim religion,
and he's urin uS-ah And thar's the poor
hard. l.hartcned, hcli-dcsarvin sinner ah, Il
runnn three times Eastern dose uv salts
ah, (and here let me say don't believe
the whale TUX salts when Jonar wus in
his belly-castwiSe. sch ain't my opinion
ah.} and he's agin us-ah. Yes, thar'S
the PriSbvtercans-ah, misslonerys-a!',
Methcrdists-ah, sinners and devils-ah,
all q workin and rootiu and prizcu
and skruin and Il twistin 10 try 10 up
root the TIart-shclls-ah but, glory to
Heaven. they kant do ii, bekase its the
Hard.shcIl>-ah. Yes-ah it's shell on the
top and shell on the botton-,lh; shell on
the outcr,!s and shell on the innerd>-,lh.
And they kant bake it. nur they kant
crack it-ah They jest as well try to
dip the oshun dry with Il teaspoon, ul'
ride my sun Isick's wild bob-tailcd pony
with cock>pnr under the saddlc-ah.-
They cant do it-no, my sistcr>-;,h theA
cali't and they <halt and they never
Observation-Disclosures sich is my nrpin-
/ Jonah. And this fctchcS me te the see
ond pint in nv tcx-ah. They that gcthcr
not with us scratchcth Il board-;ih. Oh .
my friends. it makes me shake and trim.
bic wus tllan old Bill Shazer when ]
think about this ortiIl and solum sentens-
ah aud this punishment, which it seems
like ITS wuS nor any man can stand lt-;th.
hit makes my ole nczc pop tngethcr like
the bows bcetin uv the bones when l
think about it-ah-whcn think who's
rot to metc this orul sentens and attend
| to this soIlum scratchin-;lh. Ila its
them iI,at gcthcrctil not with us-;lhj It's
them aS doI.'t attend the gctherlnS uv the
Hard shells, but StrayS round elscwhar
like luce hoSscs-ul, Saton'l have 'cm all
- scr;.tclin board. and that's what
makes EN- call him Old Scralch-ah. Yes.
mcthinx sec wi the ize o my inner man
the s,t-tingered Prishytcrians, the high
>cIooc,l missionaries, and the back.slitlln
Mclhrrli>ls-;. motley gang-;lh--a marrh-
in INTO he'll fore abreast, Il weepin and y
wailin and Il nashin ny their teeth, and Il
scrutchin Nv thar board-;lll.
An methix ! see the poor. cnssed mis-
crahlc sinner. bumped down like unto "a
tailor !: cuttin out Il kote, Il scl;ltchin away
ut his boal,l-ah All. my brealhrn, You
that had the each and the sinalP"N-;ii': |
Sc. the tear; Il stricllin down y"ra ia>c>.
but il won't he that kind nv scratchiil-;lh.
Hit won't be saft tlcsh-ah hit'l be hard
wnoG-ai hill WONT be Il ezin whar YOU
scratch.:h, whar sou feel the cachin. No.
no YOU wont have no time to attend To
that kind nv Scratchin nurnnthin else but
scratchin NV hoard-ah Them folks as
filings thar monnv away on Sunday sliucS
and miSsoncrYs and sich rs that, them |
have to scratch a board-ah. And them
that plazc the fiddle. and them that bets.
and them that PLACE kards, and them that
crosses thar legs when thry'rea Il dancin-
ah. Them don't attend the gethcrins, and
they've got to scratch thar cverlaslin
board. fur What sayeth the Skriptcs'ah ::
They that gelhcr not will, us scratchclh
huarc-ah Ah /! young man (alludns TO
one OF the audience you needn't TO set
over thar looiin at me rs kunnin as Il
fox in hen house trying to gain I &c ei-
fcciions uv a shanghigh, settin thar a
lallin at tho Skipters-:h. You'll be in
-- in few Years m"rrah, a wccpin,
and Il wailing. and a nashn av ynrc teeth.
and scratchin uv yore board Aud
it an't Il gwinc to be nun ny Your salt.
wlte-pinc boards-ah. No, poor yeil',
ing sinner. hitl BE- Il hard snary, nctty
black-gum board d-ah-least wise sch IS my
urninion and thar von'l have to scratch