Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-01-17
FUN, FACTS, AND FACETIE.

| cAanBco CphtlHudliI3 DlI tiNdNS has q man
in it. 4a #s-agaIa 1855 baha a
AREMus WARD says: - Let Us be
happy. and live within our means, even if
we have to borrow money to doit with
A SUMNER TonEr.-A paper men
| tions the arrest of woman with nothing
on her person but love letter and IA
guerreotype.' aH- Eas.ai -.a
The editor of newspaper SAYS
that he never dotted an al" but once IN
his life, and that was In fight with a CO.
temporary.
"THERE are ties which should new
er be severed" as the ill-used wife said
when she found her brute of husband
hanging in the hay-loft. -
A ooysoRIPr being told that it was
sweet to die for his country, tried to excuse
himself on the ground that he never did
like sweet things. t f
THE recent marriage Of Mr.. Day
with Miss Field presents this singular ano-
| maly, that although he gained the Field she
won the Day.
\ LADY contributor says the reason
why tall men always succeed in matrimony
IS because all sensible women favor Hy men.
\ HENPECKED husband writes Be-
fore marriage / fancied welded life would
be all sunshine, but atterward found out
that it was all moonshine.
1 WOULD not be woman. for then
| could not love her, " says Montague. La
dy M. w: Montague says, "The only OBJ
lection have to being a man is that |
should have to marry woman
4" Do you think you can do the
landlord in the Lady of Lyons?" said q
manager to a seedy actor in quest of an en-
gagement u have done great many
landlords in my day." replied the appli-
cant.
FORTUNE tellers and tilting hoops
operate quite differently The former re-
veal what a woman will be in the future. the
latter what she is at the present. .-
We regret to announce the death
Of Quow Duny, King OF Aquaquin, West
Africa. He WAS man and brother and
lunched off missionary, when in season.
with great regularity. s..
A PAPER asks very innocently il il
is any harm to sit in the lapse of ages
Another replies that it all depends on the
k nd of ages selected. Those from Is to
25 it puts down as extra hazardous.
An exchange tells Us of all editor
who went soldering and was chosen cap
tain. One day at parade, instead of giving
the orders, front face, three PAGES for
ward, he exclaimed: Cash, two dollars
in advance" t.-t
HUMAN existence hangs upon triAes.
What would beauty be without soap
YOU can't get along in the world
with a homely wife. Shell spend halt her
time in locking III the glass and turn, and
twist, and brush, and fix, til she gets com
pletely vexed with her own ugliness. and
she Il go right of and spank the baby
A MAN down east complains of his
daughters extravaganza becaus9 she Der
sisted in buying a waterfall for her head
when she already had cataract in her eve
He couldn't brook that.
AN Irishman, on hearing of friend
having stone coffin made for himself, ex-
claimed: BY my sowl and that's good
idee. Sure and q stone coffin nd last n
man a lifetime - 'a
A MAN who he ard it stated that ali
flesh is grass, wishes 70 know whether hay
is beef d-la-GtOircd
A DRUNKEN man lately tried 10 get
policeman to arrest his own shadow His
complaint was that an Unlocking scoundrel
kept following him,
\ WESTERN poet is the author Of
these epigrammatic lines
& The old dog is ever faithful they say
But dog that is faithful can never be Ira..
SUBJECTS for conumdrums being
nearly exhausted, one desperate joker has
gene back to our first parents, and inquiries
why was Eve not afraid OF the measles
Because she'd Adam. ...-....
SOMEBODY says baby laughing in
its dreams is conversing with angels. Per-
haps SO but We have seen them crying in
their waking hours as though thev were
having a spat with the devil.
" "JEENs my lad, keep away frcm
the gals. Ven you see one coming. dodge
Just such critter as that young un clean
in the doorstep t'other side Of the street
fooled your poor dad, Jimmy. Ii it hadn't
been tor her, you and yer dad might ha
been in Californy huntin' dimuns, my son.
In the Legislative Council of Ida
ho Territory, the vote for Chaplain in De-
cember ), stood For the Rev Mr. Bishop
5 for Brigham Young,l for parson Brown
low, /. The two latter may be considered
complimentary votes.
A young man married buxom
Irish girl greatly to the horror OF his mother
and sister, made the following defence II!
l married an American girl must have an
Irish girl to take care of her, and cannot
afford to support both of them. -
A Western editor lately married
one of his compositors, another coInpositoi
acting as bridesmaid, tn officiating clergy
man being retired printer, and the local
editor giving away the bride.
A young lady stepped into the st.ot
of merchant named Wade, and very inuo-
Gently said she would like to be lrtiqhc5 -
"Really, am very sorry, but my wife will
tell you that you are too late by a couple Of
years
MOUNTAINS AROUND j ERUsMEM. he
rusalem does not lie in the holl0w of
an amphitheatre it is placed, OF tia.
contrary, on an eminence, with deep
valleys runninG nearly AL around il.
But it is true, uotwiths tanding, thai
the mountains girdle it about, rs the
Psalmist describes. On two sides. H..
north and paSf II IS cnf0|1c1 ln, rIt.