Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1867-02-27

His Report.
PosT OFFICE CoNFEDRIr x ROADS,
(which is in the Stait Nv Ky.)
February IL, 1867.
1t wuz a crooel neces sity, after all,
wich druv me into the seryis Nv His
Eggslency A. johnson. CrooeI l say.
for whenever he has q partikeleriy
mean piece Nv work to perform, suthin
so inexpressibly sneakin tibet Seward
nor Randall won't undertake it, they
alluz send for me. Welles is alluz will
lin, but while he hez the disposition to
anythin in the line, he lacks the abili.
ty. The others. however, hev the abil-
ity to do anythin and the disposition
to do most things, and l hev been en-
ployed IN only extreme cases.
The success Wich attended McCrack-
ems mission, endin ez it did in the re-
sinin Nv Motley, stimulated Seward to
prosecute similar researches into the
actoosl opinions Nv the home crop Nv
officers regardin him and his, and my
sooperior, A. Johnson. Randall wuz
applied to take a tour among Postmas-
tiers and SIGH. He declined the mission
Indignantly, with the remark, sis thy
servant a dog or the son Nv a dog, that
he shood do this thing ?" And e.
Welles isn't trusted out Nv Washing
ton any more, 1 wuz sent for.
The biznis required Nv me wuz statid
by Seward in his yoosual lucid style
1t Uuz merely to cirkelate incoqnitO
witch is Latin for snsakin) among the
recently appointed offs holders and as
sertsin their views upon general polit-
ikle topics, but more especially their
feelins towards the President and Sec
rotary Nv State. Jest ez l wuz startin,
not q all pleased with the mission,
Welles put in his oar. He Wuz goin to
give me instructions ez to wat 1 wuz to
do. Welles is a lunatik l never Good
abide and l felt it my dooty to wither
him. Trans6xin the venerable Sekre-
tary with wun Nv my most piercin
gazes, I remarked /: "Sirl in imitashen
Nv the nan who inflicted yoo upon
this country, witch wuz not the least nv
his acts for which the country cusses
him, l propose relatin alittle anecdote.
There wuz wunst q man who was inc
briated, and that he might present his
self in a state approxmating sobriety,
to the partner nv his buzzum, he Wuz
essayin to Vomit, tryin thus to ease his
stumlck Nv the cause Nv the onpleas-
antnis therein, but he coodent do it,
He heaved and heaved, but there wuz
no result. At this critikle period an
other man approached, .whe remarked
kindly that, Of he desired to Vomit, his
best holt wood be to run his finger
down his throat. The drunk indiTid-
GOAL looked up indignant at this un-
warranted interference in his con-
stooshnel rites. "Blast yoor eyes, sir, "
sed he. are 700 OF me bossin this yer
puke 7"
This, Secretary Welles, is the an
ecdote. 1 respek the posishen 700
hold, and dislike sayin anythin disa-
greesble, but, sir, this Is a puke, and l
perpose to boss it myself"
l startid to wunst, and found things
in a highly mixed condition. The fol-
lowin is compiled from my report: In
Moo York the Postmasters generally
are sound. The crops were poor last
year. and all kind Nv biznis bein dull,
the Postmasters are generally anxious
to hold II. They are, therefore, out
spoken in their support Nv the COZ
Them ez wuz men Nv good standin,
and religzously inclined, before the
rupcer between the President and the
party wich redoost him, they say
but very little in public, and that
little they don't say very long. They
generally can't see Their is any partik-
eler difference between the plan Nv
the President and the plan Nv Congress
and ther bein so little, Congress ought
to yield for the sake NV peace The
Dimocrats holdin SIGH places are loud
enough in their support Nv the Admin
istration, but good Heaven ! the in
dorsement Nv SIGH men is too heavy a
load for any party to carry. Now, that
l think Nv it, l heV at last solved the
mystery Nv our widespread defeat last
fall. In some Deestricks the Dimoc-
racy found johnson too heavy a load
to carry, and in the balance the John
son men found the democracy too
a load to carry.
In Ohio, the first place l stopped at
wuz Oberlin, the place where tina mig
ger college is located at. / regret to say
that the postmaster at that pint Is q
rantin Ablishnist, and the two hours l
wuz there 1 coodn't find q Conservs-
tive Republican who wood take it. 1
got one nearly persuaded, but jist ez he
wuz about to consent, his wife fell a
weepin onto his buzzum, and with
tetchin pathos wanted to know eff he
WIZ Willin, for SIGH small pay, to leave
SIGH a tarnisht name to the four chill
den now born to EN- and to the wun
witch wuz expectid2 He repentid and
refused. 1 didn't investigate ez fully
1 might, for ther amt a drop Nv
sold there, and ez my flask give
out, I felt doc consideration for my
helth woodent permit my stayin an
other hour. 1 recommend the aboli-
ton Nv the Office, or the establishment
q grosery, with q bar in the back
room, ez q nucleus around wich the
kin rally.
The next place l cum to l found the
Postmaster q suspishus character-yery
Whenever he is drunk he
very highly Nv the Secretary
uvState, but when he is sober he avoids
politIkle matters. 1 sejest q raise in
the salary Nv the offs, that he kin af-
ford to keep drunk all the time.
At the next pint 1 interdoost myself
ez 8 English nobleman in disguise,
Amerikin manners and Gus
toms. and mepshuad c~arelessIy that /