The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1867-09-23


floating out to become food for CLANS.
This is the way it occurs: You see
! there is a maiden here whose father is
acquainted with my father, and whose
robust pocket-book corresponds, COM
paratively, with the size OF his daugh-
| Ter
| She, forsooth, is u maiden who as-
sumes to have seen but twenty sum
mers, but she has put in the time so
well that she has collected more beef
and tissue, and so on, on her skeleton
J than would serve six ordinary women.
| Well, you see this heavy father has
| his equally heavy daughter on hands,
and he comes down here and lays for
| his chance to throw her over into mat
| rimony with some unsuspecting man.
| In an evil hour was induced TO bor-
| row money from him, and now he
threatens me with the sheriff or else his
daughter, whichever choose. Ofcourse
prefer the sheriff, but l worry along
with the fat woman until see chance
10 bolt.
You have no idea how trying it is.
Her name is Maria, and she is always
| wanting to go into battle. So we go
down to the beach; l walk in her shad
ow to get out of the heat. When she
comes to the bath house, ten chances
to one that she nearly rips the clothes
of her in trying to get through the
door, and just as like as not, I've got to
/ WIKI DuCh anu ger ii CdI DchltI "
down and take out four or i've planks
so as to get her in, and then when she
| is in, Il Is necessary for me to stand
there and hold the loose planks in place
while she takes of Ler envelopes.
Then she comes out and tries to trip
| lightly over the sands. Did you ever
see the elephant dance at the circus?
Well, that's her; she looks more like
molasses cask on two legs than any
thing else, and she's about as graceful
as an OK.
And she wanted me to teach her to
| swim. Wouldn't i hold her by the
waist while she saw If she could float
around the earth, the equator or the
rings of Saturn Why, l tell you you
might as we'll try TO embrace the dome
of the capitol aJ Washington. No, l
would grab for hold anywhere else,
but she must not expect me to take her
by the waist; / would rather 20 and
give myself up to the sheriff at once
than do that.
1 got hold of her, aud she laid over
on her back TO such an extent that it
caused a flood tide, and then her head
went under, and she came up blowing
| like an organ bellows.
Thine" said l, hoy comes up smi-
ling"
But she couldn't appreciate innocent
amusement, and said if L tried to
drown her she'd tell her pa.
Blast her pa, a watery grave is just
what she is suffering for.
Why didn't hold her up? she said.
l wasn't n Samson, replied. L had
never taken "a prize at the gymnasium
for lifting twelve hundred pounds.
What did she take me for? So she laid
over again. and just then breaker
came, so that she lost her balance, and
one of her legs went up so that she
kicked me in the nose. 1 don't see how
she ever did it. 1t seems impossible.
But she didn't care anything about
my agony. Indeed, L think she WAS
proud of having drawn the first blood,
bat she didn't say anything, except that
she wanted to try floating again. But
l believed 1 wouldn't so III Tor another
chance; 1 was afraid she might roll
over on me and tlatten me out.
Then she said she didn't believe 1
| loved her, and l told her that as
guesser l never saw her equal. Would
| swim ont to save her II she was
drowning? she asked. 1 thought not,
as hadn't my life insured, and had no
horse power about me.
When she came out you ought to
have seen her. She left the bar high
| and dry all along the coast, and in her
clothes ther was enough water to float
an iron clad.
Then you ought to see her at hop.
She has an iieR that she can dance, and
when she expressed herself to this eff
| feet, l went down stairs to see the man
who owns the place, and advised him,
as friend, to shore up the floor with
any spare timber he might have around,
for l knew if she got To hopping there
would be nn earthquake somewheres
in that neighborhood.
She wears Baiter that takes whole
side of leather, and If she once puts her
foot on yours, you are helpless
cripple for life. So l was unwell that
night and couldn't dance.
But she danced. She got her hands
on another of pas victims and tried to
waltz with him.
You ought to have seen that man.
You reCOllect that when you were boy
seeing other boys try to climb very
large and smooth chestnut trees with no
branches within quarter OF a mile of
you. You know they could never get
their grip on it. just so with this fel-
low; he would clutch and grab for a
hold on the place where Maria's waist
ought to have been, but he would slip
off every time, and you never saw
more miserable man in your life. be-
lieve that he committed suicide three
days afterward.
She wanted me to drive her out in a
carriage yesterday, but there WIS not
man on the island who was willing to
| take her. And they were right; no man
wants his vehicle broken to pieces. So
we Went round to the lighthouse, and
she insisted upon going up to the top,
but the keeper, he said the thing was
not very STEADY, anyhow, aud didn't
want it made top heavy, and have any
accidents happening while the Govern
ment debt is so large. .--
II you can do anything for this man
will feel Obliged. 1 consider him u
| valuable official.
Would / take her out in yacht and
\ let her catch some fish she said. /
told her no, there was no use because
there wasn't any canal boats down
here, and L didn't want her father to
have to pay for raising any sunksn
/ yachts. But she had set her mind on
1t, so / bribed man TO take her out in
a schooner.
! It seemed to me that we must have
suit, except that million or SO of
greeu-headed dies gathered about Ma
ria, and seemed to enjoy themselves
cutting out chunks OF supeThuous flesh.
1 like these insects they are intelii-
gent animals: you just leave your
/ green-headed tiy alone to hunt out
good foraging ground. They go right
| to the spot by instinct.
When got Maria home she was COW
cred with blisters, and swelled to twice
her natural size. The hotel man
thought 1 was bringing home a mass
meeting of woman's rights conven-
ton. Il
But what am L to do? Here am
with this woman on my hands and no
means of relief. Can't you sue out a
writ of hsbeas corpus and get the gov
ernment to send out fleet to bring the