Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1867-02-16
Mark Twain's Views Of Chamber-
- maids. -.....

hlahehSs
Against all chambermaids, of whatsoever
age or nationality, launch the curse of
Bachelordom
Because ..,'1H-.
They always put the pillows at the oppo-
site end of the bed from the gasburner, so
that while you read and smoke before sleep.
ing Gas is the ancient and honored custom of
bachelors,) you have to hold your book aloft
In an uncomfortable position, to keep the
light from dazzling your eyes.
When they find the pillows removed to the
other end of the bed ir the morning, they
receive not the suggestion in a friendly spirit,
but, glorying in their absolute sovereignty,
and Implying your belplessness, they make
the bed just as it was originally, and gloat
IN secret over the pang their tyranny will
cause you.
Always after that, when they find you
have trausposed the pillows, they undo your
work, and thus defy you, and seek to en-
bitter the life that God hath given you.
If they cannot get the lights in conven-
lent position any other way, they move the
bed a..'
If you pull your trunk out six inches from
the wall, SO that the lid will stay up when
you open it, they always shove that trunk
back again. They do it on purpose.
If you want the spittoon in certain
spot, where it will be handy, they don't
And so they move it.
They always put your other boots into
inaccessible places. They chiefly enjoy de-
posting them as far under the bed as the
wall will permit. 1t is because this COM
pcls you to get down in an undgnifed atti-
tude and make wild sweeps for them in the
dark with the bootack, and swear
They always put the match box in some
other place. They hunt a new place for it
every day, and put bottle or other perisha-
BILE glass thing where the box stood before.
This is to cause you to break that glass
thing, CROPPING in the dara, an6 you get your
self into trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the
furniture. When you come in in the night,
you can calculate on finding the bureau
where the wardrobe was in the morning
And when you go out in the morning, ifyou
leave the slop bucket by the door and the
rocking chair by the window, when you come
in at midnight, or thereabouts, you will fall
over that rocking chair, and you will proceed
toward the window and sit down in the
slop-tub. This will disgust you. They like
that.
No matter where you put anything, they
are not going to let it stay there. They will
take it and move it the first chance they get
1t is their nature. And besides, it gives
them pleasure to be mean and contrary this
way. They would die if they couldn't be
villins.
They always save up all the old printed
rubbish you throw on the floor, and stack
them up carefully on the table, and then
start the fire with your valuable manuscripts.
If there is any particular old scrap that you
are more down on than another, and which
you are gradually wearing your life out try
ing TO get rid of, you may take all pains you
possibly can in that direction but it won't
be of any use, because they will always fetch
that old scrap back and put it in the same
old place again every time. 1t does them
good.
And they use up more hair-oil than any
six men. If charged with purloining the
same, they lie about it. What do they care
about q hereafterl Absolutely nothing.
If you leave your key in the door for con-
venience sake, they will carry it down to the
office and give it to the clerk. They do this
under the vile pretence of trying to protect
your property from thieves; but actually
they do it because they want to make you
tramp back down stairs after it when you
come home tired, or put you to the trouble
of sending a waiter for it, which waiter will
expect you to pay him something. In which
case l suppose the degraded creatures di-
vide.
They keep always coming to make your
bed before you get up, thus destroying your
rest and intlicting agony upon you; but
after you get up they don't come any more
till next day.
They do ull the mean things they can
think of, and they do them just ont OF pure
cussedness, and nothing else.
Chambermaids are dead to every human
instinct.
have cussed them in behalf of outraged
batchelordom. They deserve it. If l can
get bill through the Legislature abolishing
chambermaids, mean to do so.