The Evansville journal. [volume] (Evansville, Ind.) 1866-1870, 1867-09-12
CONCERNING SKATING.
A Curtain Lecture TO Mrs. Mark
Twain. ,..

Oh ! go to sleep, you old fool p
Y" Mr.: Twain, [ am surprised and
grieved to- " rS''f.t3 tt'21 Ia Ply" .
. . Don't interrupt me. woman /
tell you. it's absurd-you learn to
skate You'll be. wanting TO play
fairy in the Black Crook next |
tell you skating is an accomplishment
suited only to youth and comeiness
of face and symmetry of figure No
thing is SO charming as TO see beau
tiful girl, in the coquetish costume of
the Kinks, with cheeks rosy with ex-
ertion, and eyes beaming with excite
ment, skimming the ice like bird
and sWooping down upon a group
of gentlemen, and pretending she
can't stop herself, and landing in the
arms of the very young man her ia
Their don't allow her to know-and
darting away again and falling on her
head and exposing herself-exposing
herselfto remarks about her careless
ness, Madam-hold your tongue--and
always taking care to fall when that
young man is close by to pick her up.
It is charmingl They look pretty,
and interesting, too, when they are
just learning-when they stand still a
long time in one place, and then start
ed one foot gingerly, and it makes
break for the other side Of the pond,
and leaves the balance of the girl
sprawling on this sidel But you look
fat and awkward and dismal enough
at any time; and when you are on
skates you waddIe off as stuffy and
stupid and ungainly as a buzzard
that's had half a horse
for dinner. | won't have it
madam And you get under little
precarious Roadway, and then put
your feet together and drift along,
STOPPING your head and shoulders,
and holding your arms out like you
expected church was going to fall
on you; it aggravates the life out of
mel And Tuesday, when | was ass
enough to get on skates myself and
kicked the Irish giants eye out the
first dash, and lit on my head and
cracked the ice so that it looked like
the sun with all its rays had dropped
where struck, and they fined me
ninety-two dollars for running the
mans pond, [ was terrified with the
conviction that | had gone through
to the inside of the world. because |
saw the parallels of latitude glimmer-
ing all around me; and what was it
but you, in your awkwardness, fetch
ing up over me with your COMPOUNDED
filters on? [ cant stand the pew
rent, and [ won t.
Mr.. Twain, | am surp-
Hold your clatter. [ tell you you
shan't bring odium upon the family
by your disgraceful attempts to skate.
sprawling around with your big feet
like cow blowing her way down hill
in slippery weather Maybe you
wouldn't be so handy about display ng
those Feet of yours if you knew what
occurred when | took your shoes
down to get mended. ~
= What was it? Tell me what it.
was? tell me what it was this minute?
| just know it's one of your lies"
"Oh don't mind; it amt of any
consequence; go to sleep"
: But it is OF consequence. You've
got to tell me; you shan't aggravate
me this way, won't go to sleep till L
know what it was.
oh it wasn't anything
Mr.. Twain. l know betterr'
Y GU re just doing this to drive me to
What did that shoe
maker say about my shoe? What did
he do? Quickp'
Well, if you must know, he-he-
however, it's of no consequence.
MIR. Twain"