Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1867-03-07
From the Nashville Union and Americau.l
Suf L0rasg00d ON fhe Puritan
Yankee.


From the Nashville Unioo and Americau
Suf Lorangood ON fhc Puritan
Yankee
Powerful onary stock Jeremiah pow
erful onary.
The rale, pure Purllen, Yankey ba-
by, has a nak like eourd, a foot like
glut, an a belly like a mildew's
drumhead. He gifts his eyes open at
five days, while other purps hev to
waite nine, and before that time he
learns to listen os6S-.s mite for his
mans snorin, when be steals in tu
suck on the sly, not that he's hungry,
for he's got the usual 1ankcy mess uf
billed starch, but because stolen milk
is sweet even this carly, to the blue,
Rg RIigs esalsa aala maaer, a,l.i ne &c
guess he'li'malc a1 NJ 81. 3 Z ~ v ssnl.ev
a6lo to keep up the family name, and
perhaps invent acod hook or a clothes
pin. From that mite on, the varmint's
whole life is a string uf cheats-strait
along, never restin' never missin' on
til clocks wore out and broke. As the
dorg vomits, as the mink sucks blood,
as the snail shines, as the possum
shuns death, so does the Yankey cheat,
"for every varmint has bis gif"
He believes in schools and colleges
as barber docs in strops an homes,
as bein' good tu sharpen razors on.
He'll sing hims and pray prayers for
you, and may be gin you a dime; but
eff you don't soon fine yourself set
back five miles on yer road to heaven
and ninety cents lozer by his zeal and
charity, you may shut my eyes out
with cow-slop, an won't even
say phew. His long, cold, fat back is
the color uf a mulatter gals, jist
arter hit has been close shaved, and
hits stuck all over from the scrag tu
the tail, wifi his sins, like revnoo
stamps on a law suit, and eff you ex-
anime them close, you'll fine cheat
of some sort in the last darncd one
If he sins among the shes, there's a
cheat either in money or expectashuns
If he sins a cussin that's cheat in the
words, he'll try TO smuggle in Cd
d-n, onder the wherein sham OF "gaul
darn" If he sins stealth chickens,
he'll steal back at day an crow,
jist to make the poor devil think his
ole cock is still on the roost If he sells
you an apple for cent, artcr smellin
the copper, he'll try to slip peach
on to you, even if it is owe the same
price, Just for the sake NV sticken u
cheat into the trade. If he scalds his
leather snout dippin il into your soup,
he'll offer you wooden nutmeg for
enough of the skimmins TO grease the
burn. He'll eat a Goldfish, and try TO
cheat himself into believing hits beef,
and he'll listen TO the chirpin of the
cricket in his fire jam, aad tell his
children that it says "chcat, cheat,
cheat His big, Timber foot is a cheat,
for its shape and size makes you think
hit must have CUTS in hit, when bit
haint got one. If you cut bis throat
y ou'll find a cheat, for instead of warm
red blood n stream Of sky blue will
run, SO cold that it'll freeze the black
ants what git overlooked in the phlud,
and when tnc devil gifts him he'll be
cheated, for be won't burn as good as
a sa.ited rawhide. What he war ever
made fur is what's pesterin' me, on.
less it war to maik us hev better
opinion of polecats, possums and cot
ton mouths, or as Twin sampils ia
skeer us out of the road to hell !
reckon hit would be a tolerable safe
rule to do muffin the Yankey does,
and do most anything what he lets
alone.
| kin sorter bar the idear owe my
bcin q natural born'd, darned fool, the
sody buiness, sister Sails unlawful ba
by-evcrything-even the las was OF
Thad Stevens-but for the life owe me
can't reconstruct myself on the ideal
owe the laudin owe the Mayhower
I What cud our maker be thinkin, that
he forgot to lay the fingers on her rot
ten snout, an turn her down in the
solt sea, wifi hir pestifcrous load Of
cantin cheats an moral diseases. The
wus that cud happened wud a been
the pisening owe shoal or two o
sharks, and KILN the coral where the
ole tub lay.
am mad at the iniins, too, for they
didn't do thar duty to EN- artcr they
did Ian. If they had circumsized the
head owe the last darnd one, burnt
thprclose, pack'd thar carcusscs, head
and tails, herrin fashions in thar OLD
ship, sat the sails and pluted her snou
the way Wards ducks went, they'C
deserved tobacer and whiskey Will,
wood grows or water runs. Spos'
they'd strung three hundred and one
scalps on willow switch for bait, wen
mackeril fishin.-Wc'd a had M
mackeril now, | reckon, but what |
. general blessin il would a bin TO the
whole yearth--the isles of the sea
witches and the niggcrs Wudn'
them injuns had sayory smell in m,
snout, in spite of their grubworm odor
an wudn't rise of a midnight, or am
other night, to call 'cm blessed, II
spite of thar roasting my gran-dady
No wooden clocks, horn gun flint:
nur higher law no Millerism, Nor
monism, nor free love No Abolition
ism, spirit rappins, nor crowen hens
, No Bloomcr, bit britehes | mean 4
; say no Greedy, no Sumner oh ! IN.
, grashus; hits to good 10 think about
: Durn them there leather injuns; the.
let the best chance slip ever injun
had TO give evcrlastin comfort to
continent, and set hell back at leas
. five hundred years. Ise p0Merfu