, 1867-12-27
A Curtain Lecture to Mrs. MARX Twain.

'Mr. Twain, I am aurprised and grieved
too
- Don't interrupt me, woman! tell you
it's absurd-you learn to skate! You'll be
wAntiqg to play the fairy in the BLACK
Crook next. | tell you skating is IN ac>
compllshment suited only to youth and com
illness Of face aud symmetry of figure Moth.
iDgis 50 charming as to see a beautiful girl,
in the roquettish costume of the ranks, With
cheeks rosy with exertion, and eyes beamiug
with excitement, skimming the ice like a
bird-EaBi scooping down upon group Of
gentlemen, and pretending she can't help
herself, and landing in the arms Of the very
young man her father don't allow her to
know-and darting away and falling on her
head and exposing herself-exposingh her
self to remarks about her bdrcieSsness. Mad
am-hold your tongue-and always taking
care to fall when that man is close by to pick
her up. 1t is charming. They look pretty
and interesting, too, when they are just
learuing-when they stand still a long time
in one place and then start one foot gingerly
and it makes break for the other side Of
the pond, and leaves the balance of the girl
sprawling on this side! But you-you look
fat and awkward, aud dismal enough any
time. and when you are on skates you wad
die off as stuffy and stupid and ungainly as
buzzard that S had half of horse for din.
ner. 1 won't have it, Madam! And you
get under little precaucious head way and
then put your feet together and drift along,
STOPPING YOUR head and shoulders and bold
ing your arms out lipe you expected q church
was going to fall on you; it agSravates the
life out of me! And Tuesday, when | was
ass enongh to get on skates myself, and
kicked the Irish Giants eye out the first
dash, and lit on my head and cracked the
ice so that it looked like the sun, with all
its rays, had dropped where l struck, and
they fined me nineiy-two dollars for running
the man'spond l was terrified with the con.
viction that had gone through to the in
side of the world, because | saw the paral-
lels of latitude glimmering all around me;
and what was it but you, in your awkward>
ness, fetching up over me with your con.
founded filters on? You've got to discard
those things. can't stand the pew rent,
and I WON'T
'Mr. Twain, I am SUPP
'Iold your clatter. | tell you, you shan't
! bring odium upon the family by your dis,
| graceful attempts to skate, sprawling around
with your big feet elike a COW blowing her
wpy down hill in slippery weather. May be
you wouldn't be so handy about displaying
these feet of yours if you knew what occur
red when to ok your shoe down to get me-d'
! ed
what was il? Tell me what it was?
tell me what it is this minute? just know
it's one of your lies
'Oh. DOR; mind; it amt of any cOnse>
quence; go to sleep
Bat it is of consequence! You've got to
tell me; you shant aggravate me this way;
won't 90 to sleep until know what it ives.
OH it wasn't anything
! Mr.. Twain. know better, You'r just
| doing this to drive me to distraction.
well, if you~must know he-he-how
ever, it's of no consequence
'Mr. TwaiDP
sWell, he-he took it and gazed upon it
! long time in silence, and put his hand
kerchief to his eyes and burst into tears
'Wby. you born fool Twain are you go>
ing stark, staring crazy?
lie just stood there and wept as if his
heart would break, poor devil! There now
| let lets 60 to sleep.
Sleep, you lunatic I'll never close my
eyes till know what that idiot was crying
about--and you won't either, can tell you
that Come'
oh! it don't matter
'Mr. Twain, if you say that again I'll
make you sorry for ii; what was that mum
skull crying about?
We'll, he-he,'
'W-eehl, he. Out with it! Do you want
me to-to. Twain! I'll snatch them pet
frnges off till the sides Of your heads just
as bald as the top of it is.'
well, he-poor fellowl-he said he do
ted on his grandmother-fairly dotted on
her. She had nursed him, you know, be-
cause his mother was feeble, and so-well,
be came to this country fifteen years ago,
and FIRST he set up in the vegetable line, and
got along pretty well, and was about to send
for the old lady, when hard times came aud
he broke He went into fruit then, and at
ter that into milk-into all sorts OF things,
you know; but be got disappointed every
time till his present business fetched him
out at last, all right off for the old woman.
She landed here four weeks ago, but died
the very same night 1t was hard, very
hard, alter all his waiting and toiiDg for If
teen years to get her over here at last and
have her die on his hands. He-he-well,
he was disgusted. However, he laid her
out, and he and his friends sat up with her,
aud by and BY the memory Of her virtues
softened his bitterness and turned it to a
tender grief-a settled melancholy, that
hung about bis spirits like pail for many
days. However, by patiently striving to
keep his thoughts out of his mind, be was
finally beginning to regain some little Of his
old time cheerfulness, when your shoe res
minded him so painfully of his poor sainted
! grandmother's coffin
Take that, you brute! and if you dare to
come back here I'll kick you out again, you
degraded old ruffian'
Il am afraid said lady to her husband,
that am going to have a stiff neck, Not
at. all improbable, my DEAR replied the