Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1867-01-04
Sorrows of a Lecturer.

For the benefit of numerous class Of
ambitious men who aspire TO become pop
ular lecturers, l seHd you few items of
my experience. went to Southern Illi-
nois TO get start as popular lecturer.
/ was advertised under the non de plume
of The Fat Contributor" My audience
was small, owing to the public being sud-
denly and severely indisposed-they were
indisposed to come TO the lecture. My
audience, in fact, consisted Of but one
people. He was gentleman. / began
my discourse, Gentlemen and ladies'"
but changed it quickly TO " Respected sir w
Before l could proceed any further, my
audience arose Indignantly to its feet as
one man. ! inquired the cause of the in
terrup;ion.
"Sir," said he, " the audience is disap-
pointed in the size of the lecturer"
"Well, my dear SIR" said l, "the lectu-
rer is disappointed in the size OF his audi
ence, and if you will not say anything
about size, l won't"
He allowed me 10 proceed, and at the con-
clusion was so well pleased that he urged
me TO stay another night, when he prom
ised much larger audience. He would
not come himself, but he would send his
wife, who weighed 200 pounds. didn't
stay.
have had good deal of money in the
house at one time and another, generally
in the pockets of some wealthy man in the
audience. i always come with money,
however; borrow a little to come with.
have had some large houses. The
largest had was at Louisville, Ky. That
house must have been 200 feet long, and
80 feet wide, while in height it came
pretty high-took all the proceeds to pay
the rent. A Louisville editor said good
thing about me-he said: .The Fat
Contributor lectured last night to small
house. His style resembles Artemas
Wards but he has not tie ease and grace
of Artemas before an audience" As
thou.h a lecturer could be at ease before
an audience when the audience wouldn't
pay expenses. As grace accompanies
meat, where's my grace? !?
The fullest house / have had was al
Pithole City, in the oil regions. Every
man was full of beer. The lecture wen
off. very well, Notwithstanding. 1t didn'
go off as well as my doorkeeper did-he
went off with the receipts.
/ gave two consecutive lectures at Oi
City. AT the conclusion of the secon,
lecture, one of the first citizens (,he sec
ond edition had not yet arrived) arose
assured me that had delighted then
| greatly. He said they hadn't enjoye,
| themselves so much since the Tbayer
were hung. He added that it was tn
| request of the audience en- mdsse-ther
were five en- mdsse altogether-that
should stay another night. The landlor
of the inn where l was stopping aros
somewhat hastily, and stated that
couldn't stay another night with him ur
less my bill was guaranteed. Such is o.
tentimes the encouragement that geniu
receives at the hands of the mercenar,
| A little town on the Allegheny turne
out.-The principal occupation of the il
habitants was TO haul oil. That being Ii
only hall they had l lectured in a grocer
shop. The people turned out in mo
unexpected manner they turned out Il
lights-then they turned out the lectur'
because he wasn't fat enough. They ga,
me twenty minutes 10 leave the town.