The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1867-03-27
THE THLRTYFYFTH LECTURE.
MRS. CAUDLB "HAs BEEN TOLD" THAT CAUDLE HAS
orAKEN TO PLAY' AT BILLIARDS.


You were late on Tuesday, too: little late on
the Friday before; on the Wednesday before
that-now, YOU needn't twist about in that
manner; Pm not going to say anything-no;
for see it's now no use. Once, | own, 1t used
to fret me when you stayed out; but that's all
over you've now brought me to that state,
Caudle-and it's your own fault, entirely
that don't care whether you ever come home
or not. never thought could be brought to
think so little of YOU but you've done it;
you've been treading ON the worm for these
twenty years, and it's turned at last.
'Now Pm not going to quarrel that's all
over; / don't feel enough for you to quarrel
With don't Caudle, as true as I'm in this
bed. All / want of you is-any other man
would speak to his wife, and not lie there like
a log-all / want is this. Just tell me where
you were on Tuesday! You were not at dear
mothers, though you know she's not well,
and you know she thinks of leaving the dear
children her money; but you never had any
feeling for anybody belonging to me. And
you were not at the Club: no, know that.
And you were not at any theatre. HooO do
kio1U? Ha Mr.. Caude ! only wish | didn't
know. No, you were not at any of these
places, but know well enough where you
were. Then Chy do ask If kno,0? That's
it; just to prove what hypocrite you are;
lust to show you that you can't deceive me.
y
player, sir. only once? That's quite enough
you might as well play thousand times; for
you re a lost man, Caudle. Only once, indeed
| wonder, if | was to say only once,' what
would you say to me? But, of course, man
can do no wrong in anything.
"And you're a lord of the creation, Mr..
Caudle; and you can stay away from the COM
forts of your blessed firesde, and the society
of your own wife and children-though, to be
sure, you never thought anything of them
to push ivory balls about with long stick
upon a green table-cloth. What pleasure any
man can take in such stuff must astonish any
sensible woman. l pity you, Caudle
"And you can go and do nothing but make
'cannons'-for that's the gbberish they talk
at billiards-when there's the manly and
athletic game of cribbage, as my grandmother
used to call it, at your own hearth. You can
go into a billiard-room-yOu, respectable
tradesman, or as you set yourself up for one,
for, if the world knew all, there's very little
responsibility in you-you can go and play
billiards with a set of creatures in moustachiOs,
when you might take nice, quiet hand with
me at home. But no anything but cribbage
with your own wife.
"Caudle, it's all over now ; you've gone to
destruction. l never knew a man enter a
billiard-room that he wasn't lost forever.
There was my uncle Wardle better man
liards, and he did not live with aunt month
afterwards. Il lucky telloO? And that's what
you call man who leaves his wife, lucky
fellowH But, to be sure, what can | expect!
We shall not be together long, now: it's been
some time coming, but, at last, we must sepa-
rate and the wife I've been to you
"But | know who it is it's that fend,
Prettyman. / aoW call him tend, and Pm
by no means a foolish woman: you'd no more
have thought of billiards than goose if it
hadn't been for him. Now it's no use, Caudle,
your telling me that you've only been once,
and that you can't hit ball anyhow-you'll
soon get over all that; and then you'll never
be at home. You'll be a marked man, Cau-
die; yes, marked. Therell be something
about you that IL be dreadful; forif l couldn't
tell billiard player by his looks I've no eyes,
that's all. They all of 'em look as yellow as
parchment, and wear mustachios. l suppose
you'll let yours grow now though they'll be
a good deal troubled to come, | know that.
Yes, they've all a yellow and sly look, Just
for all as if they were frst-cousins to people
that picked pockets. And that will be your
case, Caudle: in six months the dear children
won't know their own father.
"Well if know myself at all, could have
borne anything but billiards. The companions
you'll find The Captains that will be always
borrowing fifty pounds of you tell you,
Caudle, billiardroom's place where ruin
Of all sorts is made easy, | may say, to the
lowest understanding-so you can't miss it.
It's chapel of ease for the devil to preach in
don't tell me not to be eloquent: | don't
know what you mean Mr.. Caudle, and l shall
be Just as eloquent as like. But never can
open my lips-and it isn't often, goodness
knows that Pm not insulted.
"No, l won't be quiet on this matter;
won't, Caudle on any other, | wouldn't say a
woodland you know tiff you didn't like it;
but on this matter, | oCW speak. | know you
can't play at billiards; and never could learn
| dare say not; but that makes it all the
worse, for look at the money you'll lose; see
the ruin you'll be brought to. It's no use
| your telling me you'll not play-nOw you
can't help it. And nicely you'll be eaten up.
| Don't talk to me; dear aunt told me all about
| it. The lots of fellows that go every day into
| billiard-rooms to get their dinners, Just as a
fox sneaks into a tam-yard to look about him
for fat goose-and they'll eat you up, Cau-
| die; know they will.
| 'Billiard-balls, indeed Well, in my time,
| I've been over WoOlwich Arsenal-you were
something like man then, for it was Just
| before we were married-and then, | saw all
sorts OF balls; mountains of 'em, to be shot
away at churches, and into peoples peaceable
| habltatlons, breaking the china, and nobody
| knows what say, Pve seen all these balls
WELL know I've said that before; but choose
to say it again-and there's not one of 'em,
iron as they are, that could do half the mis-,
chief OF a billiard ball. That's ball, Caudle,
that's gone through many a wife's heart, tC
say nothing of her children. And that's a
ball that night and day youll be destroying
your family with. Don't tell me you'll MOI
play When once a mans given to it-as nv
poor aunt used to say-the DEVILS aIway,
tempting him with ball, as he tempted Ev,
with an apple.