The Van Buren press., 1867-04-12


SHOOTING SrARs.-There was a man
VINO, when the stars were complaisant be-
low. used to rig up telescope wherewith
to study astronomy at sixpence squint.
One night as he was getting under way,
saw two Irish gentlemen taking obscrva-
lions OF his movements. Both were police.
men.
"Jemie.' said one, "what in the world
is yon fellow after with his machinery"
n !" Whist, ye spalpcen." whispered the
other, "and can't ye see that it's an air
gun cannon that he's got. He's shooting
Stars, he is.'
Hadn't we better be gettin' out of the
way thin?' inquired his friend.
Shure and it's not u.s." was the an
swer; didn't you ever here of shooting
stars?'
BY this time the telescope man had ar.
ranged his instrument and squlnted through
it at the stars. The policemen gazed up
likewise in wonder. Just then, by an odd
chance, large meteor shot down the sky.
Bedad, he hit it-he's fetched it down."
cried both the Paddles in one breath!-
"Shure and that's the greatest shootin' |
ever saw in my life!" But sense Of duty
prevailed, and one Of them at once rudely
accosted the man of science.
"le'll just stop that now, misther, if
you please. The night is dark enough
now. plinty. and If you 90 on shootn'
stars at that rate; we'll not find our way
about the strate, sure
And tho telescope man had to pack ND
aud be off,
-Artemus Ward has rarely written
amore humorous and picturesque paragraph
tnan TINS. from one of his earliest papers:
IIhere were many affectin' ties which made
me banker arter Betsey Jane. Her fathers
farm jlncd ourn; their cows and ourn
s1uencii't their thirst at the same spring.
our Old mares had stars on their forrerds;
the measles broke out in both families at
nearly the same period, our parents (Bet-
~ ana mine) slept regularly every Sun.
uay IN tue same meetin house, and the ma
oers used to obsarve, "How thick the
Wards and Peasleys ar'' twas sublime
sight IN the spring of the year to see our
several mothers Betsy's and mine), with
'helr gowns pinned up so they couldn't sile
EN-, affectonately bilin' soap together and
abusin' their nabers."
-President Lincoln used to tell this
story OF himself. He was riding one day
on the stage coach in Illinois, when the
driver asked him to treat.
II never use liquor" was Mr. Lincoln's
reply. "and cannot induce others to do SO"
=. Don't chew, neither?''
"No, sir"
"Nor smoker
mo, sir, l never use tobacco in any
form"
Well" replied the dsgusted Jehu.--
"Ihain', much opinion of You fellers with
no small vices; I've alters noticed they
make it up in big ones
"A watch has been facetiously desig-
mated as the image of modesty, since it al
ways holds its hands before its face. and
however good its works may be, it is al.
ways running itself down.
A man who had been fined several
weeks in succession, for getting drunk,
coolly proposed to the magistrate that he
should take him by the year at reduced
rates.
A father came home from his busi-
ness at early evening, and took his little
girl upon his knee. After few dove-ikc
caressos. she ccpt to his bosom and fell
asleep. He carried her himself to her
chamber, and said, "Nellle would not like
to go to bed without saying her prayers. :"
Halt opening her large blue eyes, she
drcamingly articulated,
g Now lay me down to sleep.
lpray the Lord"
then adding, in a sweet murmur. "He
knows the rest" she sank on her pillow,
in his watchful care who "giveth His be-.
loved sleep"
-" According to Milton, Eve kept
silent in Eden to hear her husband talk
said gentleman to lady friend, anl then
added ia melancholy tone, Alas, there
have been no Ewes since. Because there
have been no husbands worth listening to- !"
was the quick retort.
What is the difference between a
pretty girl and night cap? One is born
to wed, and the other is worn to bed.
The best thing to be done when
evil comes upon us, is not lamentation, but
action not to sit aud suffer, but to rise and
seek the remedy.
In matters Of conscience. first
.aouyhss are best; in matters Of pruduce.
last thoughts are best.
---The art Of bookkeeping taught in
one hl,on and casy aasun--nerer lend them