Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1867-04-27
A Curtain Lecture Concerning Skatil

~, go to sleep, you old tool -
"Mr. Twain, am surprised and griev-
ed to"
"Don't interrupt me, woman l tell
you it's absurd-you learn to skate
You'll be wanting to play fairy in the
BLACK Crook next. [ tell you skating
is an accomplishment suited only to
youth, and grace, and comeliness of face
and symmetry of figure. Nothing is SO
charming as to see beautiful girl, in
the coquettish costume of the rinks,
with cheeks rosy with exertion, and eyes
beaming with excitement, skimmiug the
ice like bird-and swooping down up
on group of gentlemen, and pretend
ing she can't stop herself, and landing
in the arms of the very young man her
father don't allow her to know-and
darting away again and falling on her
head and exposing herself-exposing
herself to remarks about her careless
ness, Madam-hold your tongue and
always taking care to fall when that
young man is by to pick her up. 1t is
charming! They look pretty and inter-
esting, too, when they are just learning
when they stand still long time in
one place, and then start one foot out
gingerly, and it makes break for the
other side of the pond and leaves the
balance of the girl sprawliug on this
side. But you You look fat, and
awkward, and dismal enough, any time
but when you are on skates you waddle
off as stuffy and stupid aud ungainly as
q buzzard that's had half a horse for
dinner. | won't have it, Madam! And
you get under little precarious head
way and then put your feet together
and drift along, STOPPING your head and
shoulders and holding your arms out
like you expected a church was going
to fall on you it aggravates the life out
of me! And Tuesday, when | was ass
enough to get on skates myself and
kicked the Irish Giants eye out the
first dash, and lit on my head and crack
ed the ice so that it looked like the sun
with all Its rays had dropped where 1
struck, and they fined ME ninety-two
dollars for running the mans pond, l
was terrified with the conviction that |
had gone through to the inside of the
world, because [ saw the parallels Of
latitude glimmering all around me and
what was it but you, in your awkward
ness, fetching up over me with your
confoundcd 'tilters' on ? You've got to
discard those things. l can't stand the
pew-rent, and l WON'T
"Mr. Twain, | am surp-"
"Hold your clatterl [ tell you YOU
shan't bring odium upon the family by
your disgraceful attempts to skate
sprawling around with your big feet like
a cow plowing her way down hill in
slippery weather Maybe you wouldn't
be so handy about displaying those feet
of yours if you knew what occurred
when | took your shoes down to get
mended."
"What was it? Tell me what it was;
tell me what it was, this minute l just
know it's one of your lies ~
"Oh, don't mind; it amt of any
consequence; go to sleep"
"But it is of consequence You We
got to tell me; you shan't aggravate me
this way; l won't go to sleep till know
what it was.''
ooh, it wasn't anything'
"Mr. Twain, [ know better. You re
just doing this to try to drive me to
distraction! What did that shoemaker
say about my shoe? What did he do ?
Quick !"
"Well, if you must know, he-he-
however, it's of no consequence"
"Mr. Twain p
"Well, he-he took it and gazed up
on it long time in silence, then put
his handkerchief to his eyes and burst
into tears
"Why, you born fool. Twain, are
you going stark, staring crazy?"
"He just stood there and wept as if
III MS heart would break, poor devil -
There, now let's go to sleep"
oieep, you lunatic, I'll never close
my eyes till know what that idiot was
crying about-and you won't, either, l
can tell you that. Come !"
80, 1t don't matter"
"Mr. Twain, if you say that again, I
lay I'll make you sorry for it /; what was
that numskull crying about p
0Well ha-he-D