The Van Buren press., 1867-04-26
Female Sufrage-Views Of Mark Twain.

Female Sufrage-Views OF Mark Twain.
EDroRs Missouri DEMOCRAT: have
read the long list Of lady petitioners in
favor Of female suffrage, aud, as a husband
and father. want to protest against tho
whole Business. Ii never will do to allow
women to vote. II will never do to allow
them 10 hold Office. You know, and /
know that II they were granted these privi.
leges there would be no more peace on
earth. They would swamp the country
with debt. They like to bold office too
we'll Ihey like TO be Mrs. President
Smith ofthe DOrcas Society, or Mrs. Sec
retary Jones Of the Hindoo Aid Associa.
tion, or Mrs. Treasurer Of something or
other. They are fond Of the distinction Of
the thing. You know ; they revel in tho
sweet jingle Of the title. They are always
setting up sanctiied considerations Of all
kinds, and then running for President of
them. They are even so fond Of Office
that they are willing to serve without pay.
But you allow them TO vote and go to the
Legislature once, and then see how it will
be. They will so to work and start q
thousand more societies, and cram them full
of salaried offices. You will see state Of
things then that will stir your feelings to
the bottom Of your pockets. The first fee
bill would exasperatc you some. Instead
of the usual schedule for Judges, State
Printer. Supreme Court Clerks, &c. the
list would read something like this:
OFFICES AND SALARIES
President Dorcas Society $4,000
Subordinate officers of same, each 1000
President Ladies Union Prayer. meeting 1900
President Pawnee Educational Society 4,OUO
President Ladies Society for Dissemination
Of Bellies Lettres among the Shoshones 5000
State Crinoline Directress 1900
State Superintendent Of Waterfalls 200
State Halr-ol lnspectress 10000
State Milllner $4,000
You know what state OF anarchy and
social chaos that fcc-bill would create
Every women in the commonwealth of
Missouri would let 60 every thing and run
for State Mlliner And instead of ven,i-
lating each others political anlecrdcnts, as
men do, they woud 90 straight after each
others private moral character. Il know
thcm-they are all like my wife. Before
the canvass was three days old it " ould 10
an established proposition that every wo.
man III the State was "no better than she
ought to be- Only think how it would
laceratc me to have an opposition candidate
say that about my wife. That is the idea
ycn know-having other people say these
hard things Now, know that my wife
isn't any better than she ought to be, poor
devil--in fact. in matters Of orth odox doc
irine, she is particularly shaky--but still l
would not like these things aired in po.
litcal contest. don't really suppose that
that woman will stand any more show
hereafter than--howeyer, She may improve
she may even become beacon light for
the saving Of others-bat if.shc does, sho
will bnrn rather dim, ard slie will flicker a
good deal, too. But, as was saying, a
female political canvass would be an out.
ragcous thing. d r'aaF
Think Of the torch-iisht PROFESSIONS that
would distress oar eyes. Think Of the Gu
rious legends on the transparsnces:
Robbins forever. Vote for Salic Rob-
bins, the only virtuous candidate in the
field "
And this
Chastity, mode,ty, patriotism! Let
the great people stand by Maria Sanders.
the champion oil morality and progress, and
the only candidate with stainless ,cputa-
ton ~ ....t
And this :: ....4
"Vote for Judy McGinniss, the incor-
ruptible! Nine chIdren-one at tho
breast ~
In that day man shall say to his SER
want, X" What is the matter with the baby"
And the servant shall reply, 1t has been
sick for hours" "And where is its
mother?' She is out electionecring for
Salle Robbins" And such conversations
as these shall transpirc between ladies and
servants applying for situations: "Can
you cook ?" Yes" Wash ~ "Yes."
Do general homework ." Yes. -
"All right; who is your choice for State
Miliner?" Judy McGinniss.' Well.
you can tramp
And women shall talk politics instead Of
discussing the fashions and they shall neg
lect the duties Of the household to 60 out
and take drink with candidates and men
shall nurse the baby while their wives
travel to the polls to vote And also in
that day the man who hath beautiful whis-
kers shall beat the homely man Of wisdom
for Governor. and the youth who wsltzes
with exquisite grace shall be Chief OF Police
in preference to the man Of practised sa.
gacity and determined energy "
Every man tnke II hos n selfsh opd