The Vermont transcript. [volume] (St. Albans, Vt.) 1864-1870, 1867-01-11
Too Much or a Good Thing.

There is one thing in which think
novelists make great mistake. If
they particularly desire to enlist the
sympathies of their readers for their
hero or heroine, they represent him or
her alone in the world, destitute of
friends or relatives, with no uncle or
aunt, or even country cousin to fall
back upon.
Now to my mind, sucl situation is
the acme of bliss.
Everybody who reads this will call
me n brute; but l wish before he iudg-
/ cs me. that he wait till he is the
Youngest of sixteen children; born of
mother who was afflicted with twelve
/ brothers and sisters, and son of faith
er who has ten sisters living.
This is my situation-the situation
of James Brown of Brownville
! cannot remember the time when
my relatives were not source of
trouble to me.
All through my childhood l was
afflicted with aunts. They wanted to
kiss me; and though never objected
to being kissed by the ladies in gener-
al, | objected to this monopoly of
aunts And, besides, all my aunts but
one took snuff; and she smoked.
As grew older, my uncles become
my trial. They wanted me to do
chores They were all settled down
near my fathers residence most of
them farmers; and if the sheep got in
to the field, or the dog killed the Cos
Inns, jim was called to attend to the
matter. Its the greatest wonder in
the world that l did not run my feet
off before | reached the age of young
manhood.
When | reached the period of being
tortured with the tie of my cravats,
and agonized about the gloss of my
dickies, then my cousins came down
upon me with their wants. If they
wanted to go to concert, or singing
school, or lecture, or dance, why there
was cousin jim. OF course cousin
jim would be delighted to go.
And cousin jim would go; and they
would tlirt with other fellows who
were not cousins, all the evening; and
likely enough get to sleep going home
and leave cousin Jim the pleasure of
whistling to the moon for his amuse-
ment.
When l was about twenty my faith
er removed to Boston Twelve of my
brothers and sisters were married ,
two were at school; and only Ellen
and myself were at home.
I IL II
We should be relieved from our rela-
tives. Most of them were thoughtful
of their money. and would not be like
~ to spend fifteen or twenty dollars
in visiting us
began to make myself into gen
tleman. patronizedI the barber and
his unguents-andc cultivated nous
tache, which was my beau ideal of per-
lection. l wore bright colored neck
ties, and sported gold watch; and
invested three dollars i'll rattan, and
six dollars in beaver, which always
gave me the headache, and made me
look precisely like in inverted candle
mould
| made the acquaintance of several
charming young ladies, among whom
was Miss Flora Van VOORHEES,, the belle
of the street in which we lived. Flora
was beauty, and one of the most fas-
tidious creatures in the world. Moth
ing was quite good and elegant enough
for her. She would not have breathed
the common air if she could convent
entity dispense with it; and if the soles
of her dainty boots touched the soil of
mother earth, it affected Flora's
nerves so badly, that she had the
headache for hours afterward.
was raised to the seventh heaven
and lemon-colored kids by her prefer
ence; and every night | devoutly
prayed that some of my relatives
might not appear and nip the whole
thing in the bud.
Five months rolled away and l be-
gun to feel at ease. None of them
had troubled us, and we had not heard
from them in any way. l INDUCED
the hope that they had forgotten us.
SO, think, did my mother, who had
become quite genteel, and had formed
some genteel acquaintance.
One morning when Mrs ST. Micha-
ell and Mrs Leory, two of our most
distinguished acquaintance, were in
the parlor with my mother, one of the
railway hacks stopped at the front
door. An indefnable dread seized me.
l felt myself growing cold as pealed
frog. From the hack there issued
three bandboxes, two trunks, butter
box, handled basket, bundle of
brown paper, an umbrella, and lastly
green poke bonnet, beneath which /
discovered the little wizened face of my
fathers Oldest sister-Aunt Sally Nut
ter. The very blacklist sheep of the
whole flock
Bring 'em all right into the entry"
she called in a stentorian voice; I'm
tn hum here. This is brother Jason's
house. La Jason's got up in the
world since he used to peddle Holsters
1t was lucky thing for him that he
went to making pills, and got Doctor
hitched on before his name. ixpict
Martha's got so big you can't tech her
with ten foot pole But law me
she needn't try to put on any extras
with me. know EN- all, root and
branch egg and bird !" and she burst