Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1867-04-23
ROce729e.

A seedy institution-The Agricultural Bu-
reau.
IF you would look spruce in your age, don't
pine in your youth,
Why is the early grass like penknife? Be-
cause the spring brings out the blades.
A scolding wife was lately arrested for carry
ing a concealed deadly weapon-her tongue
Why is a mad bull an animal of convlvial dis
position? Because he offers every one ne meets
a ahorn.
Why is a minister near the end of his SER
mon like little ragged boy? Because he's to-
ward his close
A wife asked her husband if druggists kept
ve-stuffs for SALE He replied, Most drug
gists keep little else but die-stutfs.
The prophecy, Many shall run to and fro,
and knowledge shall be increased, is believed
to refer to the advent of newsboys.
Ifs'all the worlds stage" who's the dri-
yer? The propounder of this query is only ex-
cusable because the quotation is hack
The Young lady who was recommended, to
take exercise to improve her health, says that
she sswill lump at an offer and run her own
risk" t+
Thin man-''Boy, what's that hungry look
ing dog following me for p
Insulting boy-''He thinks you are a bone, L
reckon !" -aC-
A wag. passing by house which had been
almost consumed by fire, inquired whose it was:
Being told that it was a hatter's, "Ah, SAID
he 'Fthen the loss will be felt. =
When they weigh hogs in Kansas they first
tie the hog to one end of rail, balance the rail
!. IL 4o& 4 or>th and and
then guess how much the rocks weigh.
The Boston Voice says there are to be no flu
nerals after the first of April, because the State
constables won't let the people have any beer.
IF that is so, probably there won't anything
ale them.
'sHere am between two tailors, said dan
DIV at public table, where couple young tail
ors were seated Very true" said one OF
them, I'VE are but beginners, and can only at
ford to keep one goose between us.
Mrs. Snyder says Snyder's excuse for being
out all night that he was waiting to see the
meteoric shower, would be more plausible if his
clothes didn't smell SO strong of cigar smoke
and he wasn't troubled with hiccups.
George, referring to a piece of newspaper
rhyming, asked young lady friend the differ
ence between it and the bird celebrated by Poe.
She gave it up, and was told that one Was the
imaginary raven of a poet, and the other the
ravin of an imaginary poet.
A celebrated French preacher, in sermon
upon the duty of wives, said Il see in this
congregation woman who has been guilty of
the sin of disobedience to her husband, and in
order to point her out [ viii fling my breviary
at her head " He lifted his book, and every
female head instantly ducked.
Artemus Ward said of 'gorillers:" ''These
simple minded monsters live in Afriky, and are
believed to be human beins to slight extent,
although they are not allowed to vote. lnever
wanted to be a bird, but I've sometimes wish
ed was giraffe, on account of the long dis
lance from his mouth to his stummack
"What do you call this?" said Mr.. Jones
Smith, gently tapping his breakfast with his
fork. 'Call it?'' snarled the landlady; what
do you call it?' ''Well, really, said Smith,
rehectively, II don't know. There is hardly
hair enough in it fer mortar, but there is en-
irely too much if it is intended for hash -
Judge s. had very wild son named Bob,
who was constantly on a spree, and upon being
brought up once for drunkenness, the judge
cried out
SIS that our Bob?
eyes, sir replied the clerk
''Fiue the rascal two dollars and costs I'd
make it ten dollars if I didn't know it would
come out of my own pocket.