Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-06-28
humorous.

THE ladies May their virtues exceed even
the magnitude Of their skirts, while their
faults be still smaller than their bonnets.
II woman we're to change her sex, what
sort Of being would she become? She would
be he thena heather
To drain lands, drink whiskey aud spend
all your time al the village tavern. This
viii drain yen Of all your lands in short
time.
JoHN MoERIssEY, we suppose, was elected
upon his muscle. So We shall have in Con-
gress one muscle man, though, we fear, very
few Christians. Prentice
a iAwYgn asked a dutchman in court what
ear marks pig had, that was in dispute.
..Yell, he has no ear marks except very
short tail
A FELow once pretending to have seen a
ghost, was asked what the apparition said to
him. How should | know p be replied,
81 am not skilled in the dead languages
''Wos'r you take half OF this poor apple?"
said pretty damsel mo, thank you
would prefer better haIf" Eliza blushed,
and referred him to her papa.
4 WIDOW said one day to her daughter -
"When you are Of my age, you viii be dream
ing of husband. Yes, mamma. replied
the young lady, for the second time.
SAMMY, my son, don Il stand there scratch
ing your head stir your stumps, or you'll
make no progress in life. ''Why, father,
I've heard you say the only way to get along
in this world vas to scratch ahead.
"MA, said little girl to her mother, do
the men want to get married as much as the
women dor Pshaw what are you talking
about2' ''Why ma, the women who come
here are always talking about getting married
the men don't"
Il CONE for the saw, sir, "What saucer?'
why, the saw, sir, that you borrowed" Il
borrowed no saucer. "Sure you did, sir
you borrowed saw, sir ''I never saw your
saucer" But you did; there's the saw now,
sir. 80, you want the sar. Why didn't
you say 50 p
IL the depot is placard announcing ''No
smoking. pasted over an oil lamp Two
Irishmen appear, one smoking, Pat, says
the other, 'ye're transgressin' the rules OF
the establishment, ye are, ''How's that ~
says the smoker Don't you see there
no smoking?" "Yis: but can't ye see We
spalpeen, the remark is addressed to the
lamp"
Miss WILKINS was beautiful blonde, and
she wanted to go to Scarborough she told
her mother to look for something very par
ticular for her dear papa.
''And what is it, pray" asked her mother,
''thst you SO much wish to find for your dear
papa?'
"a son-in-law, was the gentle reply Of the
blushing maiden.
A certain Judge was reprimanding an attor-
ney for bringing several small suits into court
and remarked that it would have been much
better for all parties, had he persuaded his
clients to leave their cause to the arbitration
of two or three honest men. "Please your
honor" retorted the lawyer, "We did not
choose to trouble honest men with them -
The Judge tainted.
A woman was testifying recently in court
in behalf of her son and swore s'that he wor-
ked on a farm ever since he was born" The
lawyer who cross examined her said: ..You
assert that your son has worked on a farm
ever since he was born. Says she, ~ do
Then, said the lawyer, what did he do
the first year, lie MIXED, said she, and
the lawyer eyaporated.
A PomrcAL CONVENTION in New. England
several years ago nominated a aquiet well-to
do farmer for the Office of Lieutenant Gover-
nor. The nominee graciously received the
the committee appointed to wait upon bi n at
his residence, and, after expressing his thanks
for the honor conferred upon him informed
the committee that he had peculiar qualifca.
tions for Lieutenant Governor, "for, gentle
men, said he, ''that is Just the Office I have
heldinmy house for thelast twenty five years. -
A YOUNG LAWYER, who had long paid court
to lady without much advancing his suit,
accused her one day of being insensibls to the
power Of love. at does not follow. she
archly replied, ''tbat I am so because I am
not to be won by the power Of attorney"
Forgive me-, replied the suitor, 'but YOU
should remember that all the votarieg of Cu.
pid are solicitors"
Az Irish hostler was sent to the stable to
bring out travler's horse, but not knowing
which of the two strange horses in the stalls
belonged to the traveller and wishing 10 avoid
the appear ance Of ignorance in his business,
he saddled both animals and brought them to
the door. The traveller pointed out his own
horse, saying, "That's my nag. - Certainly.
yer honor, know that very well, - said Pat,
"but didn't know which was the other gen.
tleman's.n
PAPA" said terrible infant at the break
fast table. "can fishes rum? No, my son.
said Papa, with due dignity. 'fshes do not
run; they swim by using their fins and tails.
'Well, then, what did Cousin Sophie mean
when she said that you looked in the morning
like the last run of shad?' It is believed that
when Cousin Sophie caught that "terribie in.
tant' alone, her conduct toward hin was not