The Van Buren press., 1867-11-22

every now and then examing the edge to
ses il it was keen. "What are you
doing here ~ Don't you soc Shart
ening the big knife" Yes, but what are
you going to do with it when sharpenud 2"
Cut old Ben. Browns head off. to be
sure What you won't kill him will
you?" "Uh no I'll only cut his head
of and stick it right on again, hind side
before, just to let the old fellow look back
upon his past lifer'
The following conversation occurred
between a graceless boy and his teacher:
"Whst does your father do when be sits
down at the table ~ ....-.
tie asks for the brandy bottle"
IL don't mean that. Well, then. what
does your mother do when you sit down at
the table p r
:" She says she will wiring our necks if
we spill any grease on the floor"
-one cold night recently, married
man, who lives not ten miles from this
place was disrobing. prepatory to retiring
for the night while removing the garments
usually upheld by suspenders, his foot
slipped and he fell backward seating him
SELF squarely upon the hot stove lie was
not slow in rising and knowing that his
wife, who was asleep in the adjoining room
would know some remedy for burns, he
called to her, Wife wife have burned
me - His wife partially awakened not
knowing the extent Of his injury replied
"Spit on it ! Why don't you spit on it %
The response to this question was more
enphstic than polite.
"A lawyer once came into court
drunk when the Judge said to him: "Sir,
am sorry to see you in a situation which
is disgrace to yourself and family, the
court aud profession to which you belong"
This reproofelicited the following colloquy:
f" Did your honor speak to me ?"
""I did sir l said sir, that in my opin-
ion you disgrace yourself and family, the
court and the profession by your course Of
conduct.
May i-i-it please your honor. l have
been an attorney i-i-in this c-court for fiji
teen years and permit me to say your hon
or, that this is the first correct opinion
ever knew you to g-give |"
This is what we call contempt Of court
- We have men of very long bodies
and very short legs, and men of very short
bodies and very long legs, and men of very
short bodies aud very long legs. One OF
the latter class. who while sitting down,
looks like small man, but who towers
like giant when he gets upon his feet,
once edited a country paper near Cincinnati
One day man who had no acquaintance
with the editor, and who had become exas
psaated At a certain article in the journal
rejecting upon himself, rushed into the edi
tors sanctum in terrible rage, vengeance
in his eye and the paper in his hsnd--espy-
ing quiet looking little man sitting by a
taOls writing. he rushed up to him and sx
claimed.
BE you the elitor Of this paper 2"
81 am SIR" was the reply.
Did you write that infermous article
on mel" pointing to the editorial in ques
ton.
Il did write the article you are pointing
at, sir" returned the editor, quietly.
"Then" sir, exclaimed tho enraged man
pulling off his coat, "do You know wha,
you can dop
Raising himself slowly upon his feet un.
til he lowered at least foot and hal
above his would be adversary, and bring.
ing his fist down on the table savagely he
said: "Well, sir, what can l dol?
The man eyed him from head to foot for
moment in utter amszemerit, and then
slipping on his coat again, exclaimed
"Whst can you doY Well stranger,
just think you can give me the gol-darnd.
est mauling that q man ever got" And
Le hurriedly shot out Of the office.
- The Detroit Post says that the
Freedmen's Bureau has succeeded admir-.
ably in is real, object Of teaching the negro
self-reliance. The negro may have learned
to rely upon himself, but we fear that no.
body elss will ever be able to rely on him
- A man who won't take a paper be.
cause he can borrow one, has invented a
machine with which he can cook his dinner
BY the smoke Of his neighbor's chimney.
- The one who asked "Who will
care for mother now ?" has finally conclud.
cd to take care Of the old woman himself,
- no one else seems inclined to.
--- Hanging a msckcrcl to your coat
tail and imagining yourself whale. con-
stitutes Goldfish aristocracy.
The mind Of the bigot is like the pu
pill Of the eye the more light you pour upon
il the more it oontraots. b
WHOM = man dies people generally
inquire what property has he lett behind
him. The angels will ask, what good deeds
has hs sent before him