Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1867-05-24
humorous.

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Why is an axe like coffee? 1t must be
ground before it can be used.
WHY do annual Towering plants resemble
whales Because they only come up to
blow.
OTHER goods may have declined, but the
rise of hoop skirts in the street is at times
quite startling.
Why is a mad bull an animal of a conyiyial
disposition? Because he offers every one he
meets horn"
A FRIEND says he knows of but one branch
Of employment which is very profitable, and
but little followed, and that is, "mind your
own business"
The mostest fun for the leastest money
Having pretty girl to kiss you on both
cheeks, and then say she thought It was
cousin Tom
A PHILOSOPHER who married vulgar but
amiable girl, used to call her fbrown sugar,
because, he said, "she was sweet but unre.
fined
WHILE you are getting rich, try to get hold
Of that kind of wealth that brings content
with it, or you viii be rich to little or no pur-
pose.
Go to strangers for charity, acquaintance
for advice, and to relatives for nothing and
you will always have supply.
The lady who did not think it respectable
to bring up her children to work, hasrecently
heard from her two sons-one is a bar keeper
on fiat boat, and the other is a second clerk
to Hme-kiln.
A coUSTEYNAS charged with ten gallons Of
whiskey, which publican had put into an
eight gallon keg, said he didn't mind the
money so much as he did the strain on the
keg.
The Belmont Ohio Chronicle is thorough
ly logical when it says dull times are the very
best for advertisers. What little is going on,
they get; while others are grumbHng they pay
their way, and with newspaper for life
preserver, swim on the top of the water,
while others around are sinking.
In the depths Of the sea the waters are still
the heaviest grief is that borne in silence; the
deepest love flows through the eye and touch;
the purest Joy is unspeakabie; the most i'm
pressive prayer is silent; aud the most solemn
preacher at a funeral is the silent one whose
lips are cold.
A FELLOW contemplated, in utter bewilder-
ment, the magnitudinous dimensions of by
stander's feet, and in a tone of astonishment
said as he surveyed the mans proportions
you'd have been tall man if they hadn't
bent your legs so far up"
''MA, said the pride of the family, who
he'd seen some summers, "do you know why /
our tom cat is like a poetY'
Ma didn't know.
"Why, said the precious pet, "doesn't he
go out nights and invoke the mewsY'
An old man picked up a half dollar in the !
street. sold man, that's mine," said keen
looking rascal. ''Did thine have hole in
?' asked the old gentleman. "Yes,' re.
Piled the other smartly. "Then it is not |
hiue," rejoined the old gentleman; 'thee
must learn to be little sharper next time. -
vaFA-fz lodr bavfrrr ,,r,rrLo,oI - .---.-l |
nent Of music, turned suddenly back and said
o the clerk, "There is one thing that have
orgottea. - ''What is that" The lady re-
lied, conc kiss before we part, upon which
he clerk yaulted over the counter, and salu-
ed the fair stranger with rousing smack.
A QUAKER having lost quarter Of mutton
y lawyers dog, repaired to the coffee of the
after, and said
81 have come to ask piece Of thy advice.
suppose dog carried of a leg off mutton from
ne, where do look for pay, to the dog or
is owner ?''
"oh, said the man of the quill, "to the
.wner of the dog; he is responsible for any
amage his dog does thee"
Said Broadbrim: 'The owes me seventy.
i've cents.
'Ah!' said the lawyer, then my dog did
he mischief? Well, here is the money.
The face of the Quaker expanded with
mile at his shrewduess in forestalling the
pinion Of the lawyer, and he was about max
ng his exit from the Office, when he was
rought to halt by the lawyer saying; 81
ave small bill against you, my friend?'
''Ahi for what?' said the Quaker
For advice in the dog case-two dollars,
'as the reply.
This was poser It being strictly legal
nd the lowest fee in the calendar for advice
here was no dodging, SO the money was
orked over and shadbelly departed a wiser
not better man.