The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1867-01-03
FACETIE.

japan has new Tycoon, the old
coon being dead.
The Chinese say that the specific
character of the English people is hal
man, half beast.
A placid old lady in England gave
Home, the spiritualist, f2i,OOO in con
sOls.-Er.
That is very consol-ing to Home
Boston Post.
A cotemporary thinks that the millin
ium is very near when the Government
not only makes good, wholesome laws
for the people, but also manufacture
tirst-rate whisky.
Gen. NJ. f. Ransom, of North Carolina
is pardoned.
The year of jubilee IL come
Returned We ransom d sinners home.
A story is told of young man IL
Freeport, Illinois, who was crossed IL
love and attempted suicide recently by
taking a dose of yeast powder. He i'm
mediately rose above his troubles.
A lady wished a seat in 4 crowded
hall. A handsome gentleman brough,
her Il chair. "You are Il jewel" She
said. "No,' was the reply. II have
just set the jewel"
II want to buy a scwing-machine,
said an old lady, entering shop.
"Do you wish q machine with
feller:" inquired the clerk.
"Sakes no; don't want any of your
fellers about me-"
1t i. related of two old Scotch min
listers that the one asked the other If he
were not sorely tempted at times to &c
fishing on the Saturday afternoons
ooh, man." replied his fellow laborer
"I'm never tempted lang, l just gang
A Western editor once wrote: "a
correspondent asks whether the battle
OF Waterloo occurred before or after the
commencement of the Christian era
We answer it did,
A Maine editor says n pumpkin i'll that
State grew so large that eight men could
stand around it which statment was
only equaled by that of the Hoosicr who
saw flock of pigeons fly so low that he
could shake u stick at them.
The Mayor of town in the west OF
England, questioning the boys Mt the
ragged schools, asked them what were
the pomp, and vanities of this wicked
worldi A little boy said: "The Mayor
and corporation going to church, Sir"
Ayoungstcr, while perusinga chapter
in Genesis, turning to his mother inquir-
ed If the people in those days used to dc
sums on the ground 1t was discovered
that he had been reading the passage
"And the SONS of men multiplied upon
the face of the earth"
SWALLOWING A LEGIsLATURE.-Ther
seems to be an opinion entertained in
Virginia that Congress, upon assem-
bling, will gobble down the Legislature
of that State, if ever it gets back from
the holidays. In that event, Congress
will have more brains in its abdomen
than it ever had in its head.
Some years ago an old woman named
Brown, the wife of Deal boatman, had
charge and kept the key of the Deal
theatre. The manager, calling upon
her preparatory to commencing his
summer season, asked: What sort OF
a winter have You passed, Mrs. Brownf'
Dreadful, sir" she returned. "If a
kind Providence had not sent us two or
three wrecks, l don't know what would
have become of us"
LAzY.-There was once n clergyman
in New Hampshire noted for his long
sermons and indolent habits. "HOw is
it," said man to his neighbor, Par
son -, the LATEST man living, writes
these interminable sermons" "Why,"
said the other, "he probably gets to
writing and is to lazy to stop"
A CoLp TERM.-During the preva-
lence of recent cold snap. the weather
furnished theme of conversation to a
group of loafers who gathered around a
stove in one Of our stores. One of them,
David L, after listening to the talk
aw while, burst forth as follows: "If You
call this cold, / should like to know
how YOU would like to live in Minnesota.
Why l was there few winters ago, and
the man with whom l was boarding
went out to feed the poultry, and he
carried o tea-kcttle full of boiling water
to thaw them, and in pouring the water
out it froze before it reached the ground,
so that before it was emptied the re was
a stream of ice half way up to the nose
of the tea-kettle." The deadly silence
which followed was broken by by
stander asking "did he feed the hens =