Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1867-03-14

Important Mission, Similar in us
Nature to that of Mr. Nc Cracken
HIS Report.
PosT Offs CoNFEDRIT X ROADS,
| (Which is in the Stait Nv kentucky
January 28th, 1867.
1t wuz a crooel necessity, after all
wich druv me into servis NV Hit
Eggslency A. Johnson. Crooel, ]
say, for whenever he hez a pertikel
cry mean piece Nv work to perform
suthin SO inexpressibly sneakin that
Seward nor Randall won't undertake
it, they alluz send for me. Welles is
alluz willin, but while he hez the dis
position to do anythin in that line, he
lacks the ability. The others, how.
ever, hev the ability to do anythin
and the disposition to do most things,
and therefore hev bin employed in
only extreme cases.
The success witch attended Nc.
Crackers mission, endin ez it did in
the resinin Nv Motley, stimulated
Seward to prosecute similar research
es into the actooal opinions Nv the
home crop NV offisers regardin him
and his, and my sooprerior, A. John
son. Randall wuz applied too to
take tour among Post Masters and
sich. Declined the mission indignant
ly, with the remark, Is thy servant
dog or son Nv dog, that he
shood do this thing ?" And ez Well
es isn't trusted out of Washinton any
more, wuz sent for.
The biznis required NV me wuz
statid by Seward in his yoosual iu-
cid stile. 1t wuz merely to cirklate
incOgnlto (wich is Latin for sneakin)
among the recently appinted offs
holders and ascertain ther views up
on general politikle topics, but more
especially ther feelins toward the
President and Secretary Nv State.
Jest ez | wuz startin, not at all
pleased with the mission, Welles put
in his oar. He wuz agoin to give
me instrucshuns ez to wat | wnz to
do. Welles is lunatik | never Good
abide, and | felt it my dooty to with
er him. Transixin the venerable
Secretary with one Nv my most pier
cenist gazes, | remarked "Sir ! in
imitashen NV the man who inflicted
700 upon this country, wich wuz not
the last Nv his acts for witch the
country cusses him, l propose relatin
a little anecdote. Their wuz wunst u
man who wuz inebriatid, and that he
might present hisself in a state ap-
proximating sobriety to the pardner
NV his buzzum, he wuz essayin to
vomit, tryin thus to relieve his STUN
ick Nv the cause Nv the unpleasant
mis- therein, but he coodent do it.
He heaved and heaved but ther wuz
no result At this critikle period
another man approached, who re-
marked kindly that, eff he desired to
vomit, his best holt would be to run
his finger down his throat. The
drunk individooal looked up indig-
nant at this unwarranted interfer-
ence with his constooshnel rites
BLAST yoor eyes, sir" sed he "are
700 or me bossin this yer puke."
"This, Sekretafy Welles, is the
anecdote l respek the posishun 700
hold, and dislike sayin anythin disa-
greeable, but, sir, this is puke, and
| propose to boss it myself"
| startid to wunst, and found things
in highly mixed condition. The
followin is compiled from my reports:
In Moo York the Postmasters gener-
ally are sound. The crops were
poor last year, and all kinds Nv biz
mis- bein dull, the Postmasters are
generally anxious to hold on. They
are, therefore, outspoken in their sup
port Nv the coz Them ez wuz men
Nv good standin and religiously en-
clined, before the rupcher between
the President and the party witch re-
doost him, say but very little in pub
lie, and that little they don't say
very long. They generally can't
see that ther is any partickeler diff
erence between the Presidents plan
and the plan Nv Congress, and ther
bein SO little Congress ought to yield
for the sake Nv peace. The Dino
Gratis holdin sich places are loud
enough in support Nv the Admins
trashen, but good Heaven the en-
dorsement Nv sich men is to heavy
load for any party to bear. Now,
that [ think Nv it, hev at last soIv-
ed the mystery Nv our widespread
defeat last fall. In some Deestricts
the Dimocracy found Johnson too
heavy load to carry, and in the bal
ance the Johnson men found the Dim
ocracy too heavy load to carry.
In Ohio, the first place | stopped
at wuz Oberlin, the place where the
nigger college is located at.
| regret to say that the Postmas-
ter at that pint is rantin Ablishnist,
and in the two hours | wuz there,
coodent find a Conservative Republi-
can who wood take it. | got one
nearly persuaded, but jist as he wuz
about to consent, his wife fell weep
in upon his buzzum, and with tetch-
in pathos wanted to know eff he wuz
willin, for sich small pay, to leave
sich tarnisht name to the four chill
dren now born to EN- and the wun
wich wuz expected ? He repentid
and refused. didn't investigate ez
fully ez | might, for ther aint a drop
Nv likker sold there, and ez my flask
give out, felt that doc considerashen
for my health woodent permit my
stayin another hour. I recommend
the abolition NV the offs, or the es-
tablishment Nv grosery, with bar
in the back room, ez a nucleus
around witch the Dimocrisy kin
rally.