The Bolivar bulletin. [volume] (Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tenn.) 1865-1888, 1867-04-20
Not 70 be Rsad bz the Ladies.

=
of ROBBERY, assassination, battle, murder, sud
den death and priVy conspiracy, and make
your wife believe, by means of single kiss,
that you are one Of the saints Of the earth.
For those husbands who only apparently,
not really, have the hearts of their wives,
we lay down the following directions:
If on your wedding night you fail to get
drunk and break all~your mOther-in-law
crockery, do something equally outrageous
as soon aa possible You will then always
be able to scare your wife into submission
by reminding her of what you have done,
and what you may be provoked to do again
IF she is fond Of entertainment, and you
are not wait till her fashionable friends are
assembled at the house, and then walk into
the parlor with nothing on but your shirt
and stockings 1t will doubtless have the
effect of making the company Fly the room
If you are fond Of smoking the pipe and
your wife complains. of your breath on ac-
count of it, eat onions; it will her for
get the pipe
If you have baby, groan as if your last
hour had come, whenever it begins squall-
ing at night. You will not then be called
upon to walk it.
As sick rooms are not pleasant, always
have business that will keep you down town
the whole day, and half the night, when
your wife is sick
q
morning after having lost months earn
ings fighting the tiger or playing a 'game
of draw with your friends, tell your wife
your business is getting so large that the
labor of carrying it on is breaking down
your constitution and you must take a part
ner; but when she mentions a new dress,
shake your head and talk about economy
and hard times.
There are certain little things that must
be done daily by one or the other of every
married couple. Impress upon your wife
that the performance of these is very dis
tasteful to you, and force her to attend to
them herself Among them is the kindling
of the fire in the morning If you have no
servant, lie in bed and let your wife do it.
/ Also wait for her to pour out the water for
| you to wask, brush your clothes, and place
! your slippers by a chair before the fire.
| When all is prepared get out of bed and
| dress YOURSELF take care not to show, by
/ word or look, that you appreciate the little
attentions that have been shown you. But
/ if you find that any of them have been over
looked, be very cross and fretful during the
rest of the morning.
When you are asked TO 90 out and make
an evening call, complain of bad headache
Make it point never to praise any dish
on the table, especially the one to which you
know your wife has given her personal at
tentiOn. Such a course will suppress any
lurking vanity there may be in her nature
When you are in a room together, always
occupy the most comfortable seat, after hay-
ing offered it to her in such way that she
can't with any prOpriety accept it
Give her the choice of any dish you are
carving, after having repeatedly informed
her what part you yourself prefer.
Keep her in perfect ignorance as to the
condition of your business although she is
as deeply interested in it as you are, and no
injury can result to it by your telling her
] all about it. By keeping it to yourself you
have the satisfaction of feeling that you are
superior to her because you know what she
does not
If from any cause you are detained at
home, and find the time heavy on your hands,
it may be that your wife is interested In a
novel that she is about half through with.
Take it from her as if you merely wished to
glance at it; sit down and read it by the
hour. She, in the meantime, may amuse
herself with sewing
If you do not keep a carriage, and your
wife tells you that she and the children need
an airing, tell her to wait for the death oil
one of her friends when she may ride to the
funeral free of cost.
If any of your wife's relatives come to stay
at the house let the high price of provisions
be the sole topic of conversation in their
hearing; but borrow all the money you can
from your father-in-law, and if he keeps q
carriage never dream of getting one your
self
When you wish to make your wife q
present, buy something that is absolutely
necessary about the house, and never let sliT
an opportunity Of making her thank you fol
it.
Whenever you are sick enough to lay VI
at home, exaggerate your symptoms, anC
make your wife think you are going to die
If she has any heart, at all, she will nurse
, you better for it
When man is in bad humor, it is
great relief to him to find some object OF
which to vent his wrath without running an
, personal risk. A married man will alwayl
9 find such an object in his amiable wife
Whenever you feel worried about anything
abuse your wife; it will be a great relief t
you. And when she appears before compan,
s with eyes red from weeping, assume tn
t most affectionate manner and chide her TO
f going out shopping on such a raw, windy day
Finally give your wife married man
J look every time she does not exactly pleas
you-and if she is not completely spiritles
and subdued by the end of the first year
get a divorce and marry minister's daugh
, fer