Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1867-05-23
Wit and HumOr.

1isconsolate widow, "for curing your husband
till he died.
Most of our magazines pay nothing
for contributions and get matter worth just what
they pay.
The newspaper is law for the in
dolent, sermon for the thoughtless, library fol
the poor.
If you wish to fatten q thin baby
throw it out of the window and it will come down
plump. g-r- r.
Little girls believein the man in the
m naoong girls believe in man in the honey.
-" I'm broken man." exclaimed a
poet $50 think, was the answer, ''tor have
seen your pieces NJ 9@t. = 9 e 4s}f- ftz-
What is the difference between
Noahs ark and an archbishop! One was very
nigh ark, but the other is a hierarch. n ~"
On the subject Of conundrums, it
may be observed that men without arms ought to
De successful In this line. They can none drum.
WHAT is the difference between a
wealthy topper and skiful miner? One turns his
gold into quarts and the other turns his quartz
into gold.
"A pet little girl boosted to one of her
friends that her father .'kept carriage, ''Ah,
Dut, was the triumphant reply, my father drives
an omnibus. )" ,-.- 2-f- -. IA ..E..
"A boy in Springfield, to the inquiry
why ship is called "she," queted his teacher
than the hul1.'' e
"a disturbed individual wonders
now a few organ grinders can manage to keep up
1t Is done by taking turns. 90 W
A country critic speaking of the
music of two dollar ACCORDION says: 8The swell
died away in delicious suffocation, like one sing
ing sweet song under the bed-ciOthes. II
One of Josh Billings maxims ::
" Rize arly work hard and late. live on what you
can't sell, Civ nothing away, and if yu don't die
ritch and go to the devil yu may sue me for
damages" 5000 100 re ati ~ e.1
-" Look here, boy" said nervous
gentleman eaa to an urchin who was munching candy
gnawing this ere candy ''''-i'. ~' 1873
A little girl was told to spell fer
ment, " and give it's meaning with sentence in
which it is used. The following was literally her
answer: F-e,r-m-e-n-t, signifying work. l love
to ferment In the gardenl"
-Snlyth spent two whole days and
nights in considering an answer to the cpnundrum
- ., Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone?
He would suffer no one to tell him and al last
hit upon the solution-Because both are hardly
done. ~ t'i., " -'+
To make valuable speckled dog
bullet proof, Mark Twain saysTake off his hide
and line it with sheet iron. Russia iron is the
best and is slicker and more snowy than the COM
mon kind. Dogs prepared in this way do not mind
bullets. c.fnE, rs -.-{ .r 4. rf
"A gentleman calling on his butcher
to order something for dinner, was asked if he
would like to have saddle of mutton. s'Why,'
said he, would it not be better to have a bride ?
as shoud then certainly stand better chance of
getting bit in my mouth" jgsr ts
The Apache Indians have been
scalping another emigrant train In Arizona The
New Haven Palladium sees no reason why Indians
should not be permitted to vote, as we'll as black
men. The Apaches, at least, seem to take very
naturally to the polls" of travellers
head like heavens? 'sDon't know, I'm sure. re-
piled the swell, 6 unless indeed because it has
shining crown" sGood, but not correct. Because
there Is no more dyeing or parting there"
~ BEARS
Kithates moustaches, 9. So much hair
Makes every man look like BEAR
But Fanny, who no thought can fetter,
: Blurts out: The more like bears the better;
Because, her pretty shoulders Struggling
bears are such glorious chaps for hugging."
$50" Where was John Rogers burned
to death?" said the teacher to me, in a command
Ing voice couldn't tell to the next no answer
caa ssd tba e gb at the foot OF
knows he may tell" ''In the fire" said Joshua,
looking very wise. fa9 et sI1
In thriving Quaker town in Ohio,
little slip Of the tongue occurred that deserves
BRIDE at an wedding Rat Was 10 take
place that evening, said: "Oh, ma she is going
have ra to her dress three yards long, and
- A man lost the key to door in his
house, SO taking the door off he put it into wagon
drove to the lock shop, and wanted key fitted to
the lock. When the person who was requested to
fit the key went to the wagon with screw driver
and cody took the lock off the door, verdancy's
eyes opened with amazement and he exclaimed
with tone of wonder, "Gosh who'd a thought
Of doing it that way!" .- . t-
"A California story tells of man who
resolved to quit drinking, and went to notary to
document was drawn, read and proved: the party
held up his hand and murmured the usual ''s'eip
WAS th sealed and delivered
is labor of love- Nothing to
yan reIrnss the grateful but very
Sir Walter Scott used to tell with |
much zest story of man who tried to frighten |
lis friend by encountering him at midnight in a |
onely spot which was supposed to be the resort of
ghostly visitant He took his seat ON the haunted
o his horror, the alghost appeared and sat down
beside him, with the ominous ejaculation, You |
ire a ghost and am ghost; let us come closer
,host pressed, till the sham ghost overcome with |
error, tainted away. " -afe
An amusing story is row going the |
ounds of well known Boston clergyman, who. |
hough most estimable m an has less regard for
go, the genial humorist conscious of the rectitude
i his intentions, went into the bar room of the |
fremont House and ordered snifter BY some
mistake he appropriated the glass of an individual
lear him whose conversation and appearance /
tamped him as what Artemus Ward would have
allied .'carnal cuss." Looking 1ercely at the
nideyed minister, he exclaimed, with an OATH
That was my horn you drank" ''Ah, my
riend, replied the reverend monitor, 'sdoes not
he scripture say the horn Of the ungodly man
hall be put DOWN." 1t was repartee worthy of
yndey Smith, and being delivered with the digni-
7 BETTING the solemnity of the occasion, pro-
uced marked impression.
A quack had instituted a suit for
,edical services against one of his neighbors and
ne suit being brought for the use of another be-
anne himself the witness. A Mr. Williams who
'as employed to defend the suit and expose the
uackery and worthlessness of the services rem
ered subjected the doctor to the following cross
Examination: 1lt4 t.tj 'a .,...t.t- = -
"Did you treat the patient according to the most
pproved rules OF SURGERY asked the counsel
BY all means, certainly did, y replied the wit
/" Did you decapitate him, inquired the counsel.
/" Undoubtedly did-that was matter of
purse, answered the doctor. f E.
" Did you perform the Cesarean operation uIon
ims' : flt-I55. : : - r = - = -
why, of course answered the witness, s. his
o o required, it, and twas attended with
did you then" still further queried the counsel
subject his person to autopsy?' .n'TrI. ;
Certainly, replied the witness, g that was the
cry last remedy adopted" Uui u Il /
- Well. then, DOCTOR said the counsel. las Won
-st cut off the defendants head then dissected
m. and he still survives it, have no more to ask:
"a II your claim survives it, quackery deserves to
REVOLUTIONARY STORY.-Ben W;
rived in the Revolutionary War; and had been in |
e ha6lt OF repeating his long and tough yarns so
ten that at last he believed them himself. Ben | ,
ould give personal anecdote of every battle of
e war, In which he himself always, of course, I