The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1867-05-25
Bu0get Of FIN.

The butcher Death never spares man because
|e isn't ''fat enough to kill"
''The Ghost" is mans last conumdrum, and
Everybody is obliged To give it up.
An insurance company heads its advertisement
bus: "Best lives taken at lowest rates"
An English doctor sent in his bill to discon-
plate widow, '.for curing your husband till he
led" '''-'' -
1t You wish to fatten thin baby, throw it out
4 the window and it will come down plump.
Little girls believe in the man in the moon
|ig girls believe in a man in the honeymoon.
"Tm broken man." exclaimed q poet. $50
think was the answer, "for have seen your
|ieces.'
What is the difference between Noah's ark and
IN archbishop! One was a very high ark, but the
|ther Is a hierarch.
On the subject of conumdrums it may be OBJ
erved that men without arms ought to be sue
essful in this line. They can none drum.
What is the difference between awealthy topper
Ind skilful MINER One turns his gold into
|uarts and the other turns his quartz into gold
A boy in Springfield, to the inquiry why
pip is called ''she," quoted his teacher with the
fply, because the rigging cost more than the
A disturbed individual wonders how few
|rgan grinders can manage to keep up so much
husic under his window. We presume it is done
" taking turns.
A country critic speaking Of the music Of
|wo dollar ACCORDION says; "The swell died away
b delicious suffocation, like one singing sweet
Png under the hed-clothes.'
One of Josh Billings maxims: "Rise arly,
FORK hard and late, live on what you can't sell,
Fiv nothing away, and if you don't die ritch and
70 to the devil yu may sue me for damages" F
"Look here, boy" said nervous gentleman
p an urchin who was munching candy at
|,cture, you are annoying me very much" NO.
amt neither said the urchin. I'm gnawing
Flis ere candy" sJ-
A little girl was told to spell 'ferment," and
tiye its meaning with sentence in which it is
sed. The following was literally her answer ::
Ff-e-r-m-e-n.t, signifying work. love to fer
|lent in the garden!'
An editor in Marshall, Illinois, has become so
|o.low from depending upon the printing bust
e,s alone for his bread that he proposes to sell
iinseif for s'rve-pipe at three cents a foot.
A lady asked noted doctor if he did not
ink the small bonnets which the ladies wore
|ad tendency 10 produce congestion of the
|rain. "Oh, no." he replied, "ladies who have
rains don't wear them
The following turgid sentence occurs in Ma
|aria st. Elmo is said to abound in many more
|uch verbal gems:
perish the microcosm in the limitless macro-
csn, and sink the feeble earthly segregate, in
|le grand boundleSs rushing choral aggregation
Definition-Doa't be 50 cussed stingy
Smyth spent Two whole days and nights in
|onsiderng an answer 10 the conundrum, "Why
an egg underdone like an egg oyerdone ?" He
ould suffer no one TO tell him and at last hit
|pon the northumberland both are hardly done
To make valuable speckled dog bullet proof
Mark Twain says-Take of his hide and line it
(ith sheet iron. Russia iron is the best, and is
Flicker and more snowy than the common kind
Pogs prepared in this way do not mind bullets.
|3The Apache Indians have been scaping anoth-
|r emigrant train in Arizona The New Haven
|'aitadsuM sees no reason why Indians should not
(e permitted 10 vote. as well as black men. The
PEACHES, at least, seem to take very naturally to
|the polls of travellers.
Larry said coquettish young lady to her
|ousin permanently bald, ''why is your head like
heaven = Don't know. Tn sure replied the
Fel, ''unleSS indeed because il has a shining
rown." Good, but not correct. Because there
/ no more dyfj'g o. piytt"g there
BEARS.
Kit hates mous,aches, 80 much hair
Makes every man lool, like bear"
But Fanny who no thought can fetter,
l, I
Because, her pretty shoulders Struggling
Bears are such glorious chaps for hugging."
A gentleman in California having made a lady
present OF pair OF pistols, after several trials
Il skill they concluded to 20 through the forms
u duel They took their positions, fred at the
word. and to the terror of the lady, the gentle
nan fell. She threw herself frantically upon
he corpse, embracing and kissing it with every
emotion OF endearment. Under such magical in
iuences the gentleman revived, and rose unhurt
rom the ground, and-and-they are to mar
RED.
A man lost the key to door in his house, so
aking the door off he put it into a wagon drove
% the lock shop, and wanted key fitted to the
oca. When the person who was requested to
IL the key went TO the wagon with screwdriver
md cody took the lock off the door. verdancy's
yes opeieu Wltn aHlaZelhent, ana ne exclaimed
with a tone of wonder, "Gosh! who'd thought
u doing it that way
Sir Walter Scott used 10 tell with much zest
story of man who tried to brighten his friend
1y encountering him at midnight in lonely spot
which was supposed to be the resort of ghostly
risitant. He took his seat on the haunted stone,
wrapped in long white sheet. Presently, to his
horror, the real ghost appeared, and sat down
hnsde him iti ON Z, m "a .sYo 20