davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
CO4IUAL EVASION OF AN ABSURD
LAW.

One of the most comical instances of
the triumph of routine and red tape oV-
er the commonest common sense may be
seen daily and hourly on the Cony Island
Railroad, over on Long Island This is
a branch road connecting with the sever
al horse-railroads which take Greenwood
as their objective point, and this branch
conveys excursionists from the point of
transfer at the cemetery to the fond well
comes of the clam compelling landlords
of the sands Of Cony. 1t appears that
in some remote age the Long Island far
mers secured the passage Of an Albany
law-or the insertion of provision in
some railroad charter-or some other re-
strictive regulation somewhere, some
how-providing that all railroads within
the city limits shall be horse roads,
They did not, however, think to incor-
porate in the same law a clause that the
cars should not be run by steam as we'll;
so that now we have the curious, conf
cal and instructive spectacle of a train
Of passengercars drawn By a dummy To-
comotive engine, but with frisky FIVE
dollar horse gaily galloPing in front so
far as the magic line which separates
the city from the country. The only
duty the sweating solitary steed has to
perform is to keep ahead of the train,
which-as the cars are not permitted to
run more than six miles an hour at the
fastest-is not so difficult for a horse,
even if he was not born and bred racer
When the outgoing cars have reached
the city line, the cheerful, champing
charger is released, and browses for a
while at his elegant leisure. Presently
Coney Island sends freight of return
ing excursionists, clamgorged, who are
taken in charge at the said city line by
the dummy engine cars aud the law full
filing quadruped, and conveyed safely
into town. This particular dummy-en-
CINE is said to be 6OhOrse power,
plus l.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
WHOLE NUMBER 8l.
HARD ON NM.


FROM The Land We Love We elm
from the HaEsrsack the following iS.
cident expressive Of the hard hits which
the soldiers we're wont to use durinR tie
late war not only among themselves, baa
against any individual who was 60 a..
fortunate as to come within the reach Of
their jokes:
At JOhnson's Island It was no unffs.
quent sight to SEQ spectators rsRaline
their eyes on the rare tnan-8hoW AFFORDED
by q view Of the pen. Few Of them lsFe
with any favorable impression Of ths
POliteness Of the prisoners, for all ths
camp phrases Of disrespeotful sslututIon
were recOined for their benefit,
On one occasion the Mayor Of San.
dusky was on the fence eomplaesptlv
surveying the pleasant spectacle, and
thinking, doubtless, how much better Of
we we're than the Yankee prisoners ln
the South, when he received more thsn
one invitation to come out Of tbat hate
as well as other earnest solieitationsfFoH
the crowd. He was somewhat dispissS.
ed, when, for his consolation some fellow
shouted, Say, Mister, don't mind then
boys they're always hollerin' at some d-a
fools or other" His Hsnof departed,
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
A TAX no YOUNG LADIES.

IT is said there is a great deal of
meaning in a handkerchief-i E., when
used for other purposes than those for
which it was originally intended. Hand
kerehief firtations are the latest agony :;
indeed, in the hands Of certain class,
these very useful articles are put to an
entirely different use than that by which
our grandmas and grandpas were wont to
value them as a coneomitant part of ones
pockets. If young lady wishes to at
tract the attention of gentleman ac-
quaintance as she passes along the street,
out comes her dainty handkerchief
careless faunt of the same, and its mis-
sion is performed-gentleman' ponder
Gus, snowy-white proboscis renovator
goes through the same circumlocutory
performance, to be re-enacted or not as
the parties may see fit. Apparently,
there is no harm in this simple twirling
of the handkerchief. IF confined to in
innate acuuaintances there may not be
but when young ladies indulge in firtR-
tations Of this kind with entire strang-
ers, the greatest amount Of evil may ao-
crue from it. There are many young
ladies in Piqua who seem to think it the
acme of pleasure to thus firt with stran-
gers. No doubt they do so thoughtless-
IL and without due reflection. Take our
advice and quit it, girls. 1t is unlady
like and bold, besides being totally at
variance with all the traits of modesty
that should characterize the department
of the softer sex.
Only yesterday We observed a young
lady of respectable parentage-a gradu-
ate of our public schools-returned the
handkerchief salutation of stranger,
standing on the steps of the City Hotel.
Did the procedure give the gentleman
an exalted opinion of her character p
Not at all. On the contrary, he will
doubtless remember it as vivid instance
of the aptness of the adage, frailty,
thy name is woman" he will frivolous
ly allude to it to his companions and
probably speak in disparaging terms OF
the. lady herself We know this is true
Then, girls, quit a practice that can not
otherwise than bring reproach on your
sex and cause people to say that your
parents did not train you Alright. Don't
do it.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06


Divil a much matter, any ways, for
they don't keep a dh. .Op of dacent drink
in the country-no rale ould Irish po-
theen, a tumbler of which would charm
the heart of a wheel barrow, or make a
shovel dance-nothing at all but stuff
that would kill a pig if he had to live
OD it much less a Christian b e. y
Remember me to Jim; tell him he's
well, and ask him how I am. I'm sorry
to hear of the death of the bull and
hope you're likewise Her milk is a
loss. Tell Tady McFinn if he comes
here he'll see more of America in one
day than if he staid at home all his life.
I'm glad his wife got over the twins, and
hope she'll be better next time. There's
room for improvement. I like this
country. but there's no place equal to
ould ireland, where you'd get as much
whisky for a shilling as would make tay
for six people. If you don't get this,
write and let me know. If you don't
write SOON, I may be dead, for life is
uncertain under the Radicals; but dead
or alive III answer your letter.
Address your dear brother Jimmy. New
York, America, and I'll axe for letter
from my darlint sister.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
A SNAKE STORY.

A FEW days since a scene occurred in
the Railroad Hotel at Vera Cruze,
which was exceedingly ridiculous and
excited the mirth of the whole city.
Sir Reynolds, the Snowman, had just
landed with a large collection of wild
animals, among which were bears, lions,
mOnkeys-rare birds and huge anaeOn-
das. He went to the hotel, secured his
room, and took his snakes with him in a
very large trunk. The first night or
two he did very we'll, having no one with
hin in the room. Soon, however, anoth-
er person was sent in his room at late
hour of night. He the new conner }
pulled off his clothes, lit a cigar, placed
a candle by his bedside and commenced
reading his book.
Sir Reynolds, being much fatigued
requested the stranger politely to put
out his candle and let him sleep.
The stranger objects, and says that
he has hired half the room and his bed
and has a right to burn his candle Just
as long as be pleases.
All 4eCJ uO4u5 LuIuS OfGL duu lIlGS u
WOO the sleepy god, but all in vain. No
sleep nor slumber would visit his rest
less couch. So, in fit of desperation
he jumps up and addresses his room
mate thus:
Il say, stranger, if you have right
to burn a candle in this room all night.
I have right to bring in my boy"
The imperturable stranger looked over
his book at him, and simply said:
"By-, you can bring in your boy
and your gal too if you like" and went
on reading.
Sir Reynolds seized his pantaloons,
jerked out of his pocket a key and pro-
ceeded to unlock his huge trunk He
took therefrom his enormous spotted
snake, approached the bed of the stran-
ger, and said:
Permit me to introduce to you my
boy-(boa,0" at the same time present
ing the distended mouth of the monster
close to the afrighted man.
The stranger gave one look Of awful
horror-his face became as pale as death
his book fell from his hand he over
turned his table, candle and all gave
one leap from his bed, and in P,s7iisn0t,sr-
dIi5us, he ran and yelled for the police.
What became of him afterwards was
never knoWn.-Mericas Times.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
ATHLETIC SPORTS.
THE New York Tribune says !:

THE New York Tribune says:
A Boston religious paper proposes to
abolish the annual boat races between
Yale and Harvard, for the reason that
they destroy good feeling between col
leges, interfere with studies, and foster
dissipation. But the same objections
might be alleged against every kind Of
manly sport. Why should young men
in college hate each other for being IL
walls in a race auy more than young men
out of college2 We have never heard
that base ball was necessarily an ezcit-
ant of bad b oOd, or that croqust, crick-
ct, chess and racing are first steps in the
road to murder. Honest rivalship is no
worse in a boat match than in trying. for
a Greek prize and if the young men
of Yale and Harvard cannot test their
muscle without envy and uncharitable-
ness, they are not the young men We
take them to be. That boating inter-
feres with study is quite true; but sup
pose it does? Studies ought to be in
terfered with sometimes. It is not the
duty of a student to thing merely of
books he must train his body as well
as his brains, and mental and physical
education ought to be simultaneous. For
one young man who is made q Ounce by
boating We believe there are ten who
destroy their health with books. And
as to the dissOlute practices which are
said to be fostered by the annual regat-
ia, if the college authorities cannot pre-
vent them without abolishing the races,
they are unfit for their position.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
Stltft 3oetry.
a BHAUTuUL PARODY.

PARoDTEs in general, are a nuisance
nuisance that should be abated-but once in
long while. once in a lifetime. we End one
thai j. good. one that Is worth reading. This
ane irom he Methodist Protestant, suits our
views exactlv-suits rs for the truth It tells
suits Us for the hint It gives; therefore we
give il 10 our readers-give It to them that
they may read it. and we hope that they will
read it carelully-read it understanding
and we hope they viii not get angry al its
tone, will not get indignant at the hint itgiVes.
but win take it as a gentle dun, IS a kind Of
hint from rs and will send Us what they owe
US; send it promptly, send it cheeriully, send
Us money in advance; II will ease US If they
do this-eaSe US night and day, for then our
dreams will no be Of the next note to pay, but
we viii dream OF the goodness of our patrons.
dream Of them night and day. Hiawatha"
is a splendid poem, poem Of rare merit; it
brought its author goodly number of stamps;
it brought him golden fame, and we hope this
parody may do the same for US; hope It will
fll our Golfers full fill them to overaowi7g.
Read it, gentle reader-read it carefully:
Should you ask US why this dunning,
Why these sad complaints and murmurs,
Murmurs lOud about delinquents,
Who have read the paper weekly,
Read what they have never paid for,
Read with pleasure and with profit,
Read Of church affairs and prospect,
Read Of news both home and foreign,
Read the essays and the poems,
Full Of wisdom and instruction;
Read the table Of the markets,
Carefully corrected weekly
Should you ask rs why this dunning,
We should answer we should tell you,
From the printer, from the mailer,
From the kind old paper-maker.
From the landlord from the carrier,
From the man who taxes letters
With a stamp from Uncle Samuel-
Uncle Sam the rOwdies call him;
From them all there comes message,
Message kind, but firmly spoken,
Please to pay Us what you owe US"
Sad it is to hear such message.
When our funds are all exhausted,
When the last bank note has left rs,
When the gold coin all has vanished,
Gone to pay the paper-maker,
Gone TO pay the toiling printer,
Gone to pay the landlord tribute,
Gone to pay the busy carriers,
Gone to pay the faithful mailer,
Gone to payOld Uncle Samuel
Uncle Sam the rowdies call him
Gone to pay the Western paper-maker
Three and twenty hundred dollars
Sad il is to turn our ledger,
Turn the leaves of that old ledger,
Turn and see what sums are due us,
Due for volumes long since ended
Due for years Of pleasant reading,
Due for years Of tOilsOme labor,
Due despite our patient waiting.
Due despite our constant dUnning,
Due in sums from one to twenty.
Would you lift burden from us?
Would you drive spectre from YOU?
WOuld yOu taste Pheasant slumberl
Would Won have quiet cOnsciencef
Wuuld YOu read paper paid for
Send mOney-send MS money,
Send us money-seDd us money
SEND THE MONEY THAT TOU OWE Us
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06


AN ACCOMMODATING YOUNG MAN
A little incident occurred one day on one
of the cars of the Hartford & New Hav-
en- railroad, which gave a gratifying
proof of the Difference paid by young
men to the wishes of the ladies. and
their readiness to supply a want as soon
as it becomes known. The car in ques-
ton was nearly filed, as the cars are apt
to be in this day Of travel. Its floor
near the door was covered with tobacco
Juice, as, alas, car floors are likely to be
in this day when the use Of the vile
weed so much prevails. At one Of the
way stations a we'll dressed lady entered
the car, looked with unooncealed disgust
at the pools Of yellow and Shiny juice
on the floor, then raised her dress slight
ly and picked her way across. The only
vacant sitting in the car was in seat
occupied in part by a young man, who
at once made room for the lady BY his
side As soon as she was seated, with a
look of relief, mingled with one of So
lieitude, the lady asked her seatmate.-
"Do you chew tobacco?" No, ma'am,
was the reply, "b but can get you
chew if you like" The look of disgust
again crept over the lady's face while
those sitting by smiled audibly.-Rayt
fort C0urant.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06

An old lady Of the Irish persuasion,
who was Proprietress Of a peanut stand
on one Of the street corners in CinCins
natl, just after the war had closed, vas
heard to complain Of the hard times,' as
follows
cob, dear me; I'm so sorry thish
war is inded, am"
And why are you sorry ?" sakod
StanWix, who had just become Ebo hap
py purchaser of a bits worth Of her
wares.
"Ah, good rason It is meself and the
childor have to be sorry, to-be-shure.
Phil. O'DOnnegan-that's me husband
did a lively business while the var vas
goin' on, he did"
Did you live better while the var
was in progress9" asked StanWiz.
Indade we did, sur: sure Phil. o..
DOnnegan-that's me husband, and the
lawful father Of me childer-mads q dale
o money while the war was goin'on."
" What business was he engaged II,
that proved so lucratiYs2 Was be q
quartermaster2 p
" Bless the life ov 20, 10 sur be was
niver anything so bad as that. ct all: is
was LAPIN' THE BOUNTY, sure"
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
THE BONES OF A MAsTODON-THE
LATE DISCOVERY NEAR FORT
WAYNE, INDIANA

MALNEs INDIANA
ONE Of the most wonderful curiosities
of nature is now on exhibition at the
Academy of Science. As the readers of
the Times will remember, some weeks
since an account of important discoveries
in the earth of mastadon bones, was re-
ceived in this city. The remains were
found about 16 miles north of Fort
Wayne, Ind, by DR.. Simpson of the
Smithsonian Institute. The doctor, as
sisted by other gentlemen, has been at
work assiduously in prosecuting the
search, and the most pleasing degree of
success has rewarded their labors. The
remains of three mastadons, a male, fe-
male and calf, have been discovered in an
excellent state of preservation. DR..
Simpson was In the city only few days
ago, and furnished the following informa-
tion relative to the startling discovery.
An information was conveyed him not
long ago that a farmer in Hunterdan,
Ind, had, in the cultivation of his farm,
come across, at various times, large bones,
evidently the remains Of some huge mon
ster. The farmer, not being naturalist,
Of course took no notice of The circum-
stance, other than to drive stake in the
spot to mark it as being low and marshy.
When Dr. Simpson heard of the discov-
cry he proceeded to the spot and obtain
ed The farmers permission to dig. He
then began his work of discovery. Af-
ter digging some five feet in the earth he
came across the huge remains imbedded
IN the arth. Bone after bone was taken
out, the skull, four feet in length, was
found. and the work was carried on Wig
orously. The other day three loads
of bones we're taken to Fort Wayne.
thence to be conveyed to Chicago. The
hone st the Academy of Sciences is a
-high bone, and IN size it conveys some
idea Of its former owner 1t is about
four feet in length and four inches in
diameter, DR.. Simpson estimates that
the animal to which it belonged must
have been at least II feet in length and
Is feet in height. The remains are sup
position based by DR., Simpson upon the
usual methods for determining the age
and character of discoveries in natural
science.
The remains will form a part of the
collection of curiosities in the bureau of
the Academy of Sciences.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
THE BoNDaoLDBR.

THB following is from the Bucyrus Forum. II not
written by VIM. Hubbard, the writer must have stolen
bis genius:
Who walks and drives DER our roads and ways,
Yet never a cent to repair them paysg
The Bond-Holder.
Who schools his children. yet never gives
dime to the schools in the place where he lives
The BOnd-Holder.
Who in your Courts so often sues.
T.t pays no Judges OF Jurors dues?
Tho Eond-HOlder.
fElg-e-g.g-~ rights b law maintained,
.'--a.G l- .5--.- ives '.- protection gained?
EEa -gll-iL1.l=-.
VINO sqaIzz v..b e .7ut on the busy streets.
Looking d9-n 4E lbe ta .l-s-5rE crowd he meets?
The ks0li'ci-g--
Whr saws tHa- Tho pubic faith declares
El- snail. 1--we "t-a .gra.' and ''put on airs 81
The bglC-Eolder.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06

A HEALTHY PLACE TO LIvE.-Jack-
son township, in Auglaizs county, gave
Thurman 400 votes and Hayes nary one.
Such townships are healthy to live in,
where the pure breeze of heaven blows
over four hundred and nine Democrats
and no Republicans. A physician would
starve to death in such localities. We
have heard Of jackson township, Au-
glaize county, before. We mot num-
Der of boys in blue during tho war
who hailed from there, and they we're
among the best boys on top Of the ground.
Hurrah for Jackson township, Auglaizo
county, Ohiol What township can beat
it?-DeIawars il Gazette.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06

wards a fair and candid adversary. I
can say to you that that is my feeling
toward him. I feel that whatever mis-
takes he may have made in his public
life that, in this contest, in his conduct
toward me, he has behaved like a friend
and gentleman"
Gen. Hayes conduct through the cam
paign was honorable and manly, and we
know he despised all such poor devils as
Deacon Gray who assailed the personal
character Of Allen G.. Thurman.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
mABK THAT.

A SMALL boy out west was asslS,lDg
his father to mark sheep with paint sn8
brush. The father would catch Q ShssD
and say to the boy;
Mark thatr'
After the job was done the BOY slars.
ed for his home which was as some diI.
tance, and was Overtakeu bva minister
on horseback, who, seeing the boz bare.
footed, invited him to ride behind hin.
After the boy was seated be began %
cateehise him thus:
"My lad, do you attend the Sabbath
Sehool2"
"No !" was the reply.
" You should attend the Sabbath
School. mark that All good ehiIdren
should attend both church and Ssbbafh
School, mark thatYn y.
After many more remarks Of this klna
the boy replied:
" / have marked your back On over
now, and it looks like thunder r
The Rev. gentleman was somoBhal ass
tOnished when he examined his coat.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06

Look Our FOR HIM.-An exchange
paper says that a peddler has been traT.
ersing the county offering tosell q 8plsn.
did paste for Furnishing silver, and al.
ways asking for silverWsre to try It's msr.
its upon. At several places where b
has been, burglars occurred within q few
days, and it is supposed that his ped.
dleing is onlya pretenes to learn Who has
silverWare and where it is kept, 50 Is 20
give his accOmplices knowledge Of the
best places to visit. No doubt this
scOundrol will tako this section 10 he
route, and we warn our citizens 10 Be %
the look out for him.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
WHY HE COULDN,T sUBsCR1BE.

A PAIR of those Interesting, entertain
ing ladies, who of late seem to carry on
so large a business in down town Offices
and stores, in the way of procuring sub
seriptions for new works, selling en-
cravings of the Father of his Countay,
and other notabilities, and who ( the Ia
dies are so fascinating in manner-so
delightfully."- impoFtunate-so sWeetly un-
get,rid of able-called a morning or two
since at the Office of a young lawyer to
induce him, as the younger of the two
expressed it, with a charming smile "to
subscribe to a most valuable work, Just
published, to be got up in elegant style,
with illustrations" &c.
"Indeed, ladies, said our friend, Il
counot. have no doubt of the excel
lence of your work, but am not in want
of anythingof the kind. In fact I do not
feel able to subscribe for any new works
of any description. The partnership Of
which I am a member has lately been so
imprudent as to issue a new work of their
own. The enormous expense attending
its issue, not to speak Of the illustra-
tions, embellishments and ornamental
in which they have seen fit to
clothe the production, has entirely Grip
pied me in a pecuniary sense"
But ah Z" interrupted our interested
agentess, "peThaps We could procure
some subscribers for your work; our
terms are quite reasonable. What do
you call your work, sir?'
"Well, We have not fully determined
as yet; but I guess I shall let Mrs. S.
have her own way, and call it and myself
Charles Henry"
The ladies concluded they had an en-
in the next block.
Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1867-11-06
GEN. HAYES AND JUDGE THURMAN.

GEN. Hayes, in a speech at Cincinnati,
Wednesday night, said
FELLOW CITIZENS. really do not
know what the facts are in regard to the
close contest which we are now consid-
ering. You have always heard as a
proverb that figures don't lie. It occurs
to me that the man who was the author
Of that saying could not have been IA
miliar with election returns in Ohio, or
he would have changed the proverb by
striking out the word not and insetling
some other word so that it would read
figures often do lie. Feeling, my friends,
the uncertainty of all these things I ao-
cept your congratulations with some al.
lowance. However, it gives me an op-
portunity of saying one or two things
that perhaps I may as well say. I say
nothing that it will be necessary to take
back in case the result should be differ
ent to morrow. One of the agreeable acts
inlconnection with this contest is what has
transpiredin the debates throughthe State
between the distinguished gentlemen, who
was my competitor, and myself, 1t has
always been mg desire in all political
contests so to talk and so to act as to
give no Just cause of offense TO any rea-
sonable adversary and am gratided to
know by the published speeches of Judge
Thurman that he has felt towards me,
during the canvass, az a man feels TO-