The Tiffin weekly tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1859-1868, 1866-01-25
Coercion.
Ftom the Gsotsis wsetly.
Fierce Assault on the Bachelors.
Spicy Manifesto Of tho Lively Widows = Sin.
gle Blesseaness to be Suppressed.
~ llgApouARTERs
ARMY OF LIVELY WIDows,}
December LIST, 1869

w HEhbAS, ~ Is npN ptlSHb w "
women aud the rest Of mankind,
and hath become q matter OF ecan'
dalous notoriety, that a most un'
holy, unnatural aud entirely TN
necessary combination against the
rights of women in general, spins
tcrs in particular, widows as a con
comitant, is now existing, to thC
detrinent of civilization, decrease
of population, and abrogation o
wedding and christening parties
an1 held together by the traitorouS
proclamation ofonc (so. called) Gen
Celibacy, Dame Lieut.. Gen. Bal
moral, of the Army of Lively Wild
ows, now encamping on the ter
rit,ry Of our Former Husbands, d,
hereby issue the following:
SPECIAL ORDERS.
|. II is particularly enjoined up
on all Lively Widows, no matter
of what rank, to precisely and ex
acthy remensber that The SO called
Gen. Cclibacy is u notorious i'm
poster, well known to us as that in
famous escaped convict, whose true
name is Malo Flirt and that ho /,
hereby declared outawed, and
wherever and Whenever he can be
caught he is to be married on the
spot to ,omo one.cyrd, false. tooth
ed. cotton investing woman-,ld
enough to be his grandmother, and
that Immediately thereafter he, the
said, Malo Flirt, shall be put to n
liz. long nursing Of other mems
babies, the crossest anl ugliest be.
ing selected therefor. ..i
ii. Commanders will or every
pesible occasion ambush the foe,
he is said to b. stroa .
and certainly is robust in II variety
Of bad habits. bat hc is very weak
in certain points, and can easily bc
led into tho bushes, where his cal .
ure or determination is almost u
'ertain'y. When corncred hc i, "A
goose, and buries his
head under the idotic idea that his
whole stupid C rcass, fuss, feathers
int all is Invisible.
III. AS the policy Of the foe is
declared to be an avoidance Of en-
ga iements, urge him vigorously to
c wall, cut off his retreat by for
cling him to believe that he is in
your power, and the probability is
that he will surrender uncondition
,lly. Remember that he will Ger.
-ainly retreat behind his strongest
works, self conceit aud happiness,
and that these being made of earth,
are easily overcome by a hand to-
hand engagement. srs-'-7s'
Nv. 6s.outd the foe prove very
stubborn, and apparently resolved
o die in his tracks, let all Lively
Widows recall their former irwin
,ible valor and ovcrwhclm him
with those ways and means which
ave never failed to conquer man-i
lind. r ..aa-,s|
V. AS the foo is eminently skill
d in his opinion, in matrimonial
Military and strategic tactics-we
now his real deplorable ignorance
lit will be q waste Of time and
laterial to attempt to cut him off
q detail; therefore, the advance
ill be made en- masse-our spies
nd scouts having ascertaircd that
Ia formation is totally in hollow |
oads and spongy hearts, and his
rpply pf ammunition, mental and
ridicu'cusly minute. ~
wing to'the heavy taxes iinpo ed
pom him by his dictator, bad hab.
3 and Tax Assessor General Dis
patton, we b, lieved wholly 'una.
10 to sastailr the first charge oil
'e army Of Lively Widows, under
Of Lady General Com,
'on Sense, supported by Lady |
eneral Rosy Lips.
WI. Our heavy artillery, under
'nimand Of Lady Colonel Trne
tia aalhiimloept, being unwieldly ia
&c present campaign, vii, merA l.
Iake Q vigorous ieint, on the enc
Iy's left to cover the RAPID adi
aneee nee Of our eaya'ry corps, led by
ady Breyet Major General Woo |
lg Wor6s. against his centre.I
hiEe' tic second d vision OF the
llhe 7cofpswill, nd,r Lady Gen \
rightWit,, attack hi, ,unprotecteedil,
ar searehlngly, and theryby throw
Is entire front into Q perfect pan /
. This viii be readily accom-
ishtd, as the enemy has no, ac- 1
,aintance with Bright Wit or any ID
that afvla of fohtino Ao soo, |,