Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1866-10-11
FUN, FACTS AND FACETlE.

FUN, FAUTS AND FAUhIIh'
AN exchange paper, among other sug-
gestions which will enable person to AVOID the
cholera, says: "Endeayor, if possible, to keep
clear conscience, and two or three clean shirts
Rise with the lark, but avoid larks in the evening
Be above ground in all your dealings. Love your
neighbors as yourself, but don't have too many OF
them in the same house with you"
DR.. NEGRIEs, French surgeon, says the
simple elevation of persons arm will always stop
bleeding at the nose. He explains the fact phys-
ologicaly, and declares it positive remedy. An
other recommends pressing hard on the upper lip:
Rapid chewing of any substance is also spoken OF
as remedy.
A GENTLEMEN having occasion to call up
on an author, found him in his study writing. He
remarked the great heat of the apartment, and
said 1T is as hot as an oven" $50 it ought
to be-" replied the author, "for it's here 1 make
my bread"
A large per cent of the mistakes mortals
make is because they act directly opposite to what
the experience of the elder part of the race say Is
best. There is not sin committed that person
of experience and years would not, if consulted,
speak against.
THE birds of the air die to sustain thee
the beasts of the fields die to nourish thee the
fishes of the sea die to feed thee or stomachs are
their common sepulchre ; with how many deaths
are our poor lives patched up +; how full of death
is the life of momentary man.-Quarles.
"MY dear Murphy" said an Irshman,
to his friend, "why did you betray the secret
told you?" "Is it betraying you call 1t? Sure,
when found wasn't able to keep it myself, did
MT l do well to tell it to somebody that couldr"
A FRENCH comic paper, aprQpos of the
needle gun, says weapon has been invented
which fires twenty balls minute and has musi-
cal box in the butt, thus doing away with the ne
cessity of regimental bands.
"Pm afraid you'll come to want" said an
old lady to young gentleman. 81 have come to
want already" was the reply: al want your
daughter"
How often do we sigh for opportunities
of doing good, whilst neglect the openings of
Providence in little things! DIR. Johnson used to
say, g He who waits to do great deal of good at
once will never do any" Good is done by de-
grees. However small in proportion the benefit
which follows indiuiduaE attempts to do good great
deal may thus be accomplished by perseverance,
even in the midst of discouragements and disap-
pointments.
WHEN a spendthrift crossed the Channel
to avoid his creditors, Selwyn said "It is a
passover that will not be very much relished by
the Jews"
A P4RTzAN paper says at is mistake
that the (opposite) panty plays upon harp of
thousand strings. The organ of that party is
Tyre"
"WHAT flower of beauty shall | marry 2"
asked young spendthrift of his governor to
which the governor replied, with grim smile,
"Mari-gold!"
"THERE, John, that's twice you've come
home and forgotten that lard" ''La, mother, it
was SO greasy that it slipped my mind.
AN old lady, hearing somebody say the
mails were very irregular, said ''It was just so
in my young days-no trusting any of EN-. "
WHEN may loaf of bread be said to be
inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it.
WHY is Buckingham Palace the cheapest
ever erected? Because it was built for one sover-
eign and finished for another.
WHY is furling ships canvass like
mock auction? Because it's a tacng in sale (sail).
WHY is a French franc of no value COM
pared with the American dollar? Because it is
worthless.
WHAT are the features of cannon p
Cannon's mouth, cannon-ize, and oannon-eers.
WHAT is that which is always invisible
and never out of sight? The letter 1.
WHAT is the only pain that we make
light of? window-pane.
WHAT workman never turns TO the lett
Wheel-wright
WHAT sort of a throat is tie best for a
singer to reach high notes with? soar throat
Why are balloons in the air like vagrants?
Because they have no visible means of support.
WHERE are the "uttermost parts of the
earth?" Where there are the most women.
BAD thoughts quickly ripen into bad &C
tions.
JOSH BILLINGS says he has got a good re-
collection, but not good memory He recolects
having lost ten dollars the other night, but don't
remember where he lost it.
TEACH your boys to shut doors and gates
after them. Also, to clean their shoes before ell
tering the house, and to wash and comb their hair
before coming to meals.
WHAT is the latest and sweetest thing in
bonnets? !? The ladies' faces, to be sure.