Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-12-04
Wit and Hat2aaO7'.

WIT and Hat2aaO7'.
'''Tis false" as the girl said when her lover
told her she had beautiful hair.
Even Brigham Young's wives are affected
with the military spirit; they call their husband
Briggy-dear
The last case of jealousy is that of a lady who
discarded her lover, sea captain, because he
Rugged the shore.
A man who had scolding wife being asked
what he did for a living, replied that he kept
hot house.
'There is no place like home, says the poet.
Right unless it, the house of the young wo-
man you re after. This is of course an excep-
ton.
s'Pa, do storms ever make malt liquors ?'-
''No, child why do you ask p Because l
heard ma tell Jane to bring in the clothes, for
storm was brewing. l.
Prentice says: John Morrissey, we suppose,
has been elected on his muscle. So we shall
have in Congress one muscleman, though we
fear, very few christians.
A lady was asked to join one of the divisions
Of the Daughters of Temperance. She replied,
''That is unnecessary, as it is my intention to
join one of the sons in a few weeks.
A witty editor who has just failed says he did
it with all the honors of war, and retired from
the field with colors fying-sheriff's flags fut-
tering from two windows and the door.
A Quaker said to gunner during the revo-
lutionary war, Friend, [ counsel no bloodshed
but, if it be thy design to hit the little man in
the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches
lower. -
The printers out West must live well. The
editor of Western paper says-''The printer
wants grain, pork, tallow, candles, whisky, lin
ems, becswax, wood, and anything else he can
eat
A man in Orange county was found one night
climbing an oyershot wheel in fulling MILL
He said he was trying to get up to bed, and
somehow or other the stairs would not stand
still. Spec he was drunk.
In certain school, during the parsing lesson,
the word "waif" occurred in the sentence
The youngest, who was up, puzzled over the
word for a few minutes and then said, 81 can
compare it-positive waif: comparative wafer
superlative sealing-wax.
An old hotel keeper in Washington once post
ed on his dining room door, the following no
tice: Members of Congress will go to the table
first, and then the gentlemen Rowdies and
blackguards must not mix with the Congress
men, as it is hard to tell one from t'other.'
A fellow at a race course was staggering about
the track with more liquor than he could carry.
Halo, what's the matter now? 2" said a
chap who had been run against.
Why, why-hic-why, the fact is, a lot of
my friends have been betting liquor on the race
to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes
for them.
A clergyman was once sent for in the middle
OF the night by one of the ladies of his congre-
cation. ''Well, my good woman" said he,
so you are very i'll, and require the consolation
OF religion? What can do for you?'' 'sNo,'
replied the old lady, II am only nervous and
cant sleep" How can I help that p asked
sleep so nicely when Igo to church that [ knew
If you would only preach little for me!'' The
parson made tracks.
Among the latest discoveries we find the fol-
lowing:
A pair of spectacles to suit the eyes of pota-
toes.
The club with which an idea struck the poet
A stick to measure narrow ESCAPES.
The hook and line with which an angler
caught cold.
An umbrella used in the reign of tyrants.
A knot from the board man paid eighteen
shlllings week for.
A glass OF lemonade made of a sour temper
and the sweets Of natrimony.
An old farmer by the name of Bayle, was in
the nightly habit Of counting his stock to see if
any one had gone estray, said to his son previ-
Gus to retiring, one evening
John, have you counted the hogs ?"
And the turkeys?''
sYes"
s'And the COWS ?"
eyes"
"And the duck?"
Eyes"
well, John, now go and wake up the old
hen and count her, and then wen 60 to bed