Orleans independent standard. [volume] (Irasburgh, Vt.) 1856-1871, 1866-05-04
A proposed change Of habit for drink


the country boy, who being of an ex-
travagant disposition, and much given
to fashionable amusements, declared
that if he were king he would ride
on gate all day and eat fat pork J
The wisdom of this desire will be full
ly seen, if we reflect upon the conduct
of thousands who pretend to more
sense than this poor pumpkin; but who
instead of buying pork, buy fire-water,
and instead of riding on gate, wal
low in the ditch, disfgure one anoth-
er's faces in drunken combat but al
ways rise early and with great alacri-
ty in the morning under the deep con-
viction that they are pursued by at
least one thousand devils. For the
truthfulness of which see Coughs des
cription of the delirum tremens; he
has seen them, counted them, knows
all about it.
Besides eating pork is far the cheap
cr enjoyment, and riding on gate is
an easier and more elegant diversion
than the zig-zag promenade so much
affected by tipplers, and We have nev
er heard of any one charging so much
per mile for such mode of locomotion
as gate riding.
Having this rcverently approached
this subject, we now publish a propo-
sition 10 the world in general, and to
every body in particular. That hence
forth eating of pork, he substituted
for drinking of alcohol. Let no one
dcspisc the origin whence springs this
proposition. For if the English arts
tocracy have sprung from Norman,
horse thieves, and rail sp.itters, and
b, tailors, can govern our glorious re-
j. public, then surely we are justified in
: taking a lesson from an artlcss youth
engaged in the sublime pursuits Of
d agriculture. Since, according to the
|: poet Cowper, it is simply matter O
G swallow. it is no matter in respect tC
y the thing swallowed, whether it bC
) solid or fluid. Be it understood then
that on all those occasions when it i
customary to indulge in the intantin'
practice of drinking alcohol, that ",
J. take to the more advanced and mani
= habit Of using our teeth and chew pork
" When our respected better halye
" think fit to replenish the earth let til
o. Introductory wells of little Brown
o. Jones, or Robinson, be drowned i
n the the diving screams OF slaughtcre
ro porkcrs. sacrificed on the family ALTA
-. in honor of the event whose mcllifluou
NJ notes take the place of scottish bal
st blings before heard. As in the cas-
Il of alcohol so there is every kind {
or porcinc preparation o that ever
ri e5cnt of life from the most dignitic
nj to the less honorable, may have il
10 special kind of pork, as it now has I
nd liquor. When Seraphic Angelina
m united to the object Of affections, Il
,Io occasion is worthy Of the tenders
m stockings with their livcrs cut into Il
~ form of hearts and showed throu9
40 their slit noses. Would not this be
bo filter emblem Of youthful, delicat
No innocence, committing herself to t
no care of powerful manhood, than t
i'm drunken orgies which often preva
NO. As the sucking would be suitable
be these, so other varieties would
all adopted t o other circumstances,
Of When any honorable gentlemen
,Io catering for the votes of free and inc
tho pendent citizens, he might rcgalc
lis swinish multitude with old boar. W
it. fbrinc Of the consistency of pig irc
not or pIut them with that deylish yclC
tho blood pudding. Thus every vari(
oto of delicious vintage, together W
nd every loathsomc and accurscl bra
for may have its corresponding rcpres
tho tative in EogSflcsh. From sparkli
- ct champagne. to brandy, schnapps, m
md iulep stcaming toddy. sherry cobbl
ado old Tom, dogs nose, and knock
down. To all those alcoholic pc
thc lions C an be found correspond
sod equivalents of prepared pig, from
ion old SOW that has been Uttered to de;
= to that complicated and highest p
49, duction of diclctic genius, the germ
r sausage. This grand condition m
however be always observed that ]
as the spirit Of alcohol must predo
-. natc through all those multifari
.oo forms, so the spirit of hog must I
80. vail in every piggish preparation
And if we are to be not the sla,
} re-
- r but, to speak politely, the servants
,a1, any particular appetite, or article
is9 dict which we are to serve with c
'io'' suming zeal. which is to command
'n' powers of our intellects, engage
my affections of our hearts. then Ct
'ha'' lenge the disciples of the bottle,
ia,c barrel, since it is but a question
''"!s mere appetite, to show the superb
~ ty of being slave to alcohol m
u W from Grain rather than tn tho mr.