The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1866-11-01
:FAcETiE.

fhSG tG. -.-.,g.-,
"BoY, did you let off that gunf'
leiaculated an enraged schoolmaster.
Yes, sir" "Wen, sir, what do you
think l win do to you" "Why, let
NE off" .
UNsoCIAL old Snarl says that love is
combination of diseases-an affection
of the heart and an Inflammation of the
| brain.
AwAG beiug told by an acquaintance
that Miss - twho is rather broad
featured young LADY, had benign conn
tenanee, lie replied: /" Perhaps you mean
a seven by nine"
THE performances of the needle-gun
throw sewing machines into the shade
when we consider how many Austrians
are men-dead by means of it.
NATURE is more polite than the gen
Feraiity of mankind. Ifyou walk into
the woods, the very trees willGreet you
with profusion of boaghs. IN ,Ig-9Ig
To economise is, to draw in as much
AS possible. The ladies' apply this art
to their persons, and the result is very
small waste. %" .,-.i
WILL You not venture upon one of
these oranges '"isaid aNlady to Leigh
Hunt. "Excuse me, madam, ~ he re
piled. II am afraid that should fail
of. a ,.rs,'-i
"A MINISTER ont West advertised, in
the hope of making young people come
forward, that he would marry them for
glass of whisky, a dozen eggs, the
first kiss Of the bride, and aquarter of
a pig. . zoos IT
A CONSTABLE in Ohio lately testified
in court. as follows: g l know nothing
of her but what i hear the neighbors
say and, in my opinion, what q woman
says of another is not worthy OF belief"
"THE KISS OF CHARITY."-At meet
ing of Delegates from the churches OF
Dunkards throughout the United States,
it was decided that colered persons
should be received into the church, that
all the brethren should be left to their
own choice and taste as to saluting
with the holy kiss, and that those
who withheld the kiss should be re-
garded as uedk. -...
A FRENCH journal tells little story
about lady:
"Whcn was first married / was on
my knees before my husband from
morning till night. 1t was perfect
alteration and incessant delirium-an
inexpressible bliss. showered caress-
es upon him; conld have eaten him.
"And nowi' asked friend. II am
sorry didn't"
"WHEN / goes shoppin,r said an old
lady, II alters asks for what wants,
and If they have it, and its suitable,
and feel inclined to buy it, and it's
cheap and can't be got for less, l most
alters take it without chappering about
it all day, as some people do
A LADY elegantly dressed in the ''hab-
iliments of woe" was met in the street
few days ago by an acquaintance who
ventured to remark upon her being in
mourning. "Ye-e.s," said the bereaved
one, mournfully, taking few steps to
trail her dress, and looking over her
shoulder at the effect thereof, "rve just
lost my mother-don't you think this
is a sweet veil n Such n deep hem!
Such resignation in affliction is touch
ing.
Dr. MEAD, calling one day on a gen.
tleman who had been severely afflicted
with the gout, found, to his surprise,
the disease gone, and the patient rejoic-
ing on his recovery over bottle OF
wine.
"Ah," said the doctor, shaking his
head, ''this Madeira will neverdo; it is
the cause of all your suffering"
"Well, then," rejoined the gay incura-
BILE, "fill your glass, for now we have
found out the cause, the sooner we get
rid of it the better.H L.
YOUNG BRD.-A market girl sold
gentleman fine fat goose, warranting
it to be young. 1t turned out when
roasted to be most unmanagably tough.
The next day the gentleman said to the
girl, "That goose you sold me for
young one was very old.' "Certainly
not" said the girl, "don't you call me
younCi, "Yes." "Well, l am but
nineteen, and have heard mother say
often that the goose was six weeks
younger than l." ..alsaf #1s
Mr. LOVER tells good anecdote of an
Irishman giving the password at the
battle of Fontenjoy, at which the great
SAKE was Mlrshal.
The assw I'd is Saxe--row don't
forget it, Pat" said the Colonel.
Sacks! Faith and will not. Wasn't
my father n miller 7"
"Who goes there 7" cried the sentinel,
after he had arrived at his post.
Pat was as wise as an owl, and in n
sort Of whispered howl, replied:
"Bags, yer honor.