The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1866-05-30
WHOLE NO. 5o2.


est our lady readers It is clipped from the
N. Y. Times. Twill be seen the company
is made up of wits. jokers and punsters,
each one having his 'put i'm when his
turn comes
Hair.oism.
My dear - said Demos, ''my barber
made curious complaint to me this morn.
ing"
And what was the barber's complaint?'
inquired the Squire.
"Alasy' cried our sage, 'the selfishness
Of man is frightful He lamented that the
Board Of Health should have power to keep
Oft the cholera"
| Cholera!' does he want the cholera
here ? demanded the Squire, much agi
ttated t
Would you believe it," quoth Demos,
"thc fellow avows that its prasencs will be
for the good of his trade. He Is engaged
| In the fabrication uf those mohtrosit;es
which the women wear upon their crania
the waterfalls, rats, mice and puff balls
of borrowed hair -
| Umph!' muttercd the old Counsellor,
tits wonder the nasty things don't breed
the cholera p Y
But tell us, Demos" said the Squire,
how is your barber to benefit by the epi.
demic %
:" He tells me-" replied Demos, with sim
plicity, "that the raw material of hair must
become cheaper, because of the quantities
that will be shorn from the dead and dying
in hospitals" -5
Gracious conscience ~ exclaimed the
Squire. as the market supplied in that
manner Is the diseased poll of a pesti.
lence-patient denuded of its filthy covering
in order to furnish an artificial coil for
some fashionable lady ?'
Why, what coil is here ~ cried the
Major, rhetorically. 1--WE often heard that
the pest-houses of Europe were relied up
on for first class chereltres."
dreadful !" murmured Demos. "And my
rascally barber would like to devour some
thousands of poor girls in the tenement
houses, so that he may get their matted
locks at a low price to make into wigs for
Madison avenue !"
Pooh, pooh - said the Counsellor,
there's many Flora McFlmsy tossing
her glossy wig in Grace Church on a Sun
day, quite unconscious that its curls were
shorn from dead harlot on Blackwelrs
Island Il"
"Heigh no ~ sighed our sage, o'tis a
queer reflection, that Fashion is heiress to
Vice, and Beauty picks up the leavings of
Death and Disease, to establish its powers
of attraction ~
Capillary attraction, l suppose they
call it," said the Major, smiling whereat
Demos rebuked him for the bad Joke, and
enjoined upon him to make an epigram in
reparation.
III try to give you squib on the new
style of piratical-looking puffs p laughed
the Major. So saying. he seized pencil,
and speedily wrote off the following
| ON FIRST CLASS PUFF ING.
| Such outandish rigs
| Make up feminine wigs
| Such pig bristles, rat fur and horse hair
| And the most Of it stolen
| From fever-heals swollen
| By Jove it makes woman a-corsair!
| Coarse hair ha, ha, ha !" laughed the
Squire. you'll do, Major, you'll do I"
| "Umph - grumbled the Counsellor.
'should another war break out, YOU dough.
ty soldiers might make fortune as cater
ers for the hair market"
+" How so, Counsellor p asked the Ma.
jor, mildly.
!" Pooh!'' returned the lawyer. "'Tis
but to revive the aboriginal practice of
scalpng your enemies ! Zounds, sir the
entire military expenses might be paid by
selling the hair thus obtained at the prices
our fashionable women would pay for itr,
For shame, Counsellor p cried Demos
"iTis too horrible a notion -
Bah - rejoined the lawyer. You
might as well scalp dead head as perfor.
/ ate living one with your Minnie balls.
And as for the women, they could estimate
the valor of lover or husband by the
number Of ''plaits'' he brought home, like
Indian squaws, with the warriors scalp.
locks -
Muttering thus, in his cynical way, the
Counsellor took up the pencil and began to
scribble, the consequence. whereof was an
epigram, as follows: r
| ON HAIR DY ING.
| If soldiers march out under bullet a nd blow,
| On "hair-brained'l adventures TO roam, 4
Why shouldn't they bring home the scalps of the foe
| To make their wives "hdir-brained" at home