Cleveland daily leader. [volume] ([Cleveland, Ohio]) 1865-1873, 1866-05-08
Nasty.
Mr.. Nasty Dreams a Dream ON the
steps OF tue white House.
From the Toledo Blade, Mayl

From the Toledo Blade, Mayl
CoNFEDRIT Y ROADS,
WITCH is in the Staff nv Kentucky:
March 10, 1866.
l hev bin to Washington. That Alb
lishn Postmaster at the Corners had be-
come to me q nitemare. Day after day l
seed him a handlin guvment money, draw
in his salary promptly, and takin his
drinks reglerly, while l, a Constooshnel
Dimekrat a supporter NV Dur great and
good President wuz forced to the hui
miliashun Nv waitin till 1 wuz treated,
ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum
in, which gave me a chance to establish a
credit for a short time. l felt that sumthin
must be done, and therefore, | vent to
Washinton.
KNOWN that for men nv my profound
c~onvickshins, holdin my views ez to CON
consiliashen and SIGH, 1 had no call to go
to the Postmaster General, who is an Alb
lishnist, 1 went drekly to the Second Jaxon
hisself. l succeeded in gettin a audience
late in the afternoon. Our patron saint
was q sitting at a table e-ggs-austed with
receevin delegashens and SIGH.
"Well," sed he.
"Honerd and spected sir, said 1, e. l
I'M a applicant for the post orfis at Con-
fedrit x Roads, which is at present held
by a Ablishnist who does not bleeve in
yoor policy, witch 1 do believe in solemn
ly. Spected and honored sir" sed ], Eff
l should have twins born to me this mite
! shood name EN- both Policy"
"Wich State are 700 from o. sed he half
a sleep.
From Kentucky, hOnered and spected
sir" sed L.
"Well," sed he, y-wnin fearfully, and
turning to a clerk, "FILL OUT A PARDON
\ GIVE HIM A COMMISSION
"HOnered and spected sir" sed /, in a
fit of loonaey, for which I can't account,
II don't need q pardon, I wuz never in
the late lamented Confedrit servis.'
"Whatn thunder then are VOC here for
begin a postofis ? Git out, 700 imposter, .
and I,wuz to wonztignominiously showed
to the door. 1 didn't quite understand
the lay ny the land around the White
House.
In vain l tried to get back that l might
convince him l did ez much for the Con-
federacy ez my humble abilities permitted,
and that l needed consilliatin ez badly ez
anybody. Then heart broke and dead
broke, not heving the wherewith to pro-
koor more sootable lodgin, 1 lay me down
on the cold stun steps and sought refuge
from my troubles in sleep.
! dreamed a dream. Methawt l wuz
in a room in the White'H House. Stretched
out on one side Nv the ruOm wuz the
corpse Nv a giant, a monster in size and
strength, but withal NV a pleasin pres
enee and fair to look upon. Onto its
head was a liberty cap, and by its side
was q sword considerably dinted, and with
all the gildin knocked of.
Wat is these" sed /, pointin to the
corpse, askin a sort Nv a attendant. %
Them" replied he, ais the defunct
carcass Nv Republikinism. He was a
hefty yooth in his day but he died this
mornin. Look the mourners are comm
to divide his clothes"
And shoor enuf they came in. At the
head wuz the second Iaxon, which the
AblishunitS derisively call Moses, who
appeared to be angry, and clost behind
him wuZSewarc, q weepin out Nv one eye
and a smilin out Nv tother, and jim Lane,
who he'd a Handkerchief witch he ocea-
sionally put to his eyes, but witch 1 notist
wuZ ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle
and Lee and Raymond and Beauregard
and Cowan and Stephens and Thurlow
Weed and V~allandigham and Governor
Sharkey and a host Nv others, all Nv witch
ranged themselves around the bier.
ID WIZ a promIsin yooth," sed Sew
ard, a putin his Handkerchief to his eyes,
" but the atmosphere Nv the White House
wuz too much for him. 1 insist, how
ever, sed he a pocketin the handkerchief
and takin hold Nv G trinket the corpse
held in his hand labeled presidency,
1865" from which hung morn a million
Nv smaller trinkets "that ez twas me that
pizened him, this is mlne."
Nary" sed johnson, 81 did the bizi-
ness for him, and it's NINE"
"Settle it ez you please sed Raymond,
gently i" hut whoever gifts it must remen-
Der that this S~ecretaryship is NINE"
"And L" sed Dooiittle, Unjust hev for
my assistance this little affair marked sSt.
James for my seat in the SENT is a
goner."
"FOr my part" sed Jim Lane, "the
western appointments is mine. Its worth
EN- all to wear this collar
"My friends" sed Stephens, i find no
amnesty about the corpse. There must
be n manufactured and stuck in his
pocket to be prodoost at the funeral"
Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked
on with a sardonic smile, knowing per-
feckly well that whoever took the biggest
part Nv the plumber he'd control it any
way.
Gov. Sharkey laid claim to 8 secretary
ship, and Boregard to the place Nv SHEER
man, and Lee TO Grants position, and
Vallandigham wanted this, and tother
Teller that, and thore wuz a terrible hub
bub over the corpse. Wilkes Booths
COST came in and wanted to know what he
wuZ to hev in the new deal, for sed he,
"eft hadn't bin for me where'd 700 all
hev bin. Talk NV the White House at
mosphere KILN himl I'm sure the
shadder Nv the buildin blasted what little
Nv his spirit 700 he'd" sed he, a turnin to
Seward, "but &c Linkin he'd lived, ha!
haP sed he in a tragedy voise. Then in
trooPed a lot Nv other costs. There wuz
Bill Allen, Nv Ohio, and Washington
Hunt, Nv Moo York, and Jeemes Bookan-
non, Nv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer,
and Lew Campbell, and Carrot Davis,
who started to make q speech, but the
entire assemblage stuck their fingers in
in their ears, which hint he took for the
first time in his life and desisted.
Finally johnson swore "by the eter-
ma" Che got that noshen from the first A.
]. witch he thinks he resembles, coz his
initials is the same, and coz the original
vetoed a bill wunst,) that he would hev
the Presidency and gobbled it. Seward
snatched at it an6 they tusseled. The
company stood by to see it out, for it made
but little difference to them WITCH got it.
In the skirmage, johnson happened
to ram Seward up agin a window
on the north side NV the room and
smashed it out. jest then q blast Nv north
wind poured into the room through the
aperture and blowed onto the face NV the
corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life |
ran through his veins, his face flushed and
the rigid hue was changed to the bloom NV
helth. The ded wuz alive-the giant
RACED to his feet, and looked around him, |
shaking of them ez was a hanging to him
like insex- Aoticin the trinket, witch had
caused the skirmsge in Johnson's hand,
he took him blythe neck and twistin it out
of his hand, flung him gently through the
winder. 81 amt made up my mind who
give this to, but 700 bet it amt yoo,"
sed he.
tIVVi1Ivr,,U 81 L. ~ $50 |