Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-09-18
SLat9lQ Shots.

The days on which fish should be eaten-try
days.
The Indians ON the plains call our breech-
leaders, heap shoot guns.
A man recently wrote to a shoe maker -
S'Cend me pare of esq., Toad Shooze. "
If it were not intended that women should
drive their husbands, why are they put through
the bridal ceremony?
Prentice says that the difference between the
two great parties of the country is, that one is
johnson, the other demijohn-son party.
Women are the friezes and carvings around
the temple of humanity-the sauce which gives
all its sweetness to the dumping of life.
The man who lost his balance is said to be
studying dentistry-putting teeth in the mouth
of the Mississippi.
What is the difference between frewood and
our remote ancestors? We saw the former
but never saw the latter What saw.
An Irishman was told to grease wagon, re-
turned an hour afterwards, and said, Il have
creased every part of the wagon but them sticks
the wheels hang on"
A woman who troubles herself and others, by
handling politics, is like monkey in a china
shop she can do no good, and may do much
harm.
Why is an editor life like the book of Rev
Citations? Because it is full of TYPES and
shadows, and mighty voice like the sound Of
many waters, is ever saying to him-write.'
A man who is advertising lodgings ito let
for early risers'' at Danbury, Connecticut, adds:
Cochin China fowls of unusual vocal powers
are kept on the adjoining premises.
Squabbles, an old bachelor, shows his stock
ings which he had just darned to an old maid,
who contemptuously remarks, Pretty good for
-darner;" whereupon Squabbles rejoins,
''good enough for woman, darn her.
doctor, who has been trying to establish a
practice in Wisconsin, says that the village is
SO extremely healthy that man was murdered
there on the 4th Of July, for the purpose OF
starting grave yard
An extravagant blade was told that he re.
sembled the prodigal NO." replied he, 81
never fed swine. "For good reason, re-
torted the other; the devil would not trust you
with his pigs. y
An editor out west describing dance he at
tended, says: 1.-THE gorgeous strings of glass
beads glistened on the heaving bosoms of the
village bellies like polished rubies resting on the
delicate surface of warm apple dumplings.'
A Yankee chaplain says when he first read
Mr.. Lincoln emancipation proclamation, ''he
was carried to the very gates of heaven" The
fool had better lodged in for he may never get
such chance again.
Two Irishmen were travelling, when they
stopped to examine guide board Twelve
miles to Portland said one "Jist sax miles
apace," said the other. And they trudged on,
apparently well gratifed at the small distance.
The editor of the Woonsocket Patriot makes
merry over the mistake of an old Shanghai hen
of his that had been setting for five weeks upon
two round stones and piece of brick. 'Her
anxiety, quoth he, lis no greater than ours to
know what she will hatch. If it proves a brick
yard, that hen is not for sale.
Doctor kin you tell me what's the matter
with my child nose?-she keeps picken' oft u
eyes, marin it is probably an irritation of
the pathetic Utilization of the opium of the cha
erian.
There, now, that S just what [ told Becky,
but she lowed it was worrums"
Prof Balm, Of Philadelphia, has distilled a
new perfume, extracted from the Freedmen S
Bureau, which, it is said smells more like the
nigger than the niger smells like his SELF -
Congress took all the first distillation to run
them through the recess, but another lot is in
the retort, for the exclusive use of the rural
RAIDS.
An old gentleman remarked to us, says an
exchange, sometime since, My young friend,
you are about to become, [ learn, the editor of
newspaper Permit an old man to give you
oiio pio0o VI duFlCe IL you OeSlfe success III
that capacity, you should in each paper publish
one column for sensible man, and two for a
fool" We give his opinion without comment
And you have been married. Patrick, three
times, haven't you?'
Yes, indade, sir.
And what do you say of it? which wife did
you like the best?'
"Well, Becky O'Brien, that I married the
frst time was good woman-too good for me !;
so she got sick and died. and the Lord took her
Then L got married to Bridget Flannigan.-
She was a bad woman and she got sick and
died, too, and the devil took her.
Then, fool that was, got married to Mar
garet Haggerty. She was worse, very bad-so
bad that neither the Lord nor the devil would
have her, so have to keep her myself