The Union and journal. [volume] (Biddeford, Me.) 1858-1882, 1866-02-02
ARTEMUS WARD.

panorama, comprising eighteen colossal paint.
incs, faithfully photographing the streets OF
Salt Iako City, and the singu!arly beautiful
valley of Utah. Arty'r" picters" +" cover over
500 wards of canvass, and nrc considered con.
noisscurs in such matters as perfect gems OF
art. Said "picters" are described by Artcmus
in his own peculiar manner, who largely pos
sesses the faculty Of amusing an audience, ms
much by his quick, smooth flowing maner OF
talking, rs his prodigalty in fitting his cornu.
copia, which is always full OF those sparkling
bon bons Of wit and sugar. plums OF tancy
which are 80 palatable and exhilirating. Tie
is quaint queer and original. and arrives at
conclusions with unerring certainty and pleas.
ing effect BY tho way, we have just received
from Artcmus his autobiography. Here it is
"DR. SiR,-Yrs. into which you ask mo to
send you sum lcadn incidents in my life 80 you
can write my Bogfry for the papers. cum dooly
to hand. have no doubt that article onto
my life, grammattycally jerke,l and properly
punktooated. would bo addition to the cllois
iiteratoor OF tho day.
To the yooth of Ameriky IL would bo vally-
bio as shown how high pinnykle of fame q
man can reach who commenSt his career with q
sm,ll canvass tent aud pea.green OK, which
he rubbed it of while scratckin hisself agin the
center poll, causin, in Railway, N. D., u dis.
criminatn mob to say humbugs would not 20
down in them village. The OK resoom'd agri-
cultooral pursoots shortly afterwards.
next tried my hand at givin blindmau con.
certs, appearin as tho poor blindman myself.
But the Infamus cuss who hired to lead the
round towns in the day time, to excite sympa.
thy, drank freely Of spritoous ticker nnbe.
knowns to me one day, & while under them in
Hucnce ho led NE into tho canal. | had to
either tear the green bandago from my oyes or
DO lrownded. tho't I'd restore my eye.site.
In writn abou, these things, Mr.. ElitOr.
kinder smooth 'eln over. Speak Of em rs ex.
ccntrissites Of genius.
Nv next venture would hav bin u success 1t
had t tried to do too much. | got up
series of wax fggers, and among Others ono OF
Socrates. tho u wax fgger Of Old Sock.
would be popular with cddycated people, but
unfortunately put u brown linen duster and
u. S. Army regulation cap on him, which peo.
plo with classycal obligations said it was u
farce. This enterprise was unfnrtunit in other
respccks. At q certain town advertised wax
fgccr of tho ilon'blc Amos Perkins, who was
railroad President, and great prison in them
parts. But il appeared had shown tho same
ii.rcr for pirut named Gibbs in that town
the proyious solson, which created q intense
toomult. & the audience remarked "shame
onto NO." & other sentiments OF the same SIM
harness. tried to molify 'em. told 'cm
that any family possassin children might have
nv shc tiser to play with halt day.
would Mt charge 'cm u cent but alars It was
Of no avail. | was forced to leave. u infer
from article in the Advertiser of that town
in which the editor says. F." Altho' timo has
silvcrcd this mans he'd with its irosts, he still
brazenly walows in nfamy. Still arc his
snakes stuffed. and his wax works unreliable.
We arc glad that ho has concluded never to
revisit our town, altho', incredible as it may
appear, the fellow really did contemplate 10
doing last summer, when still true to the craven
instincts of his black and craven heart, ho
wrote the hrcliDg knayes of the obscure jour.
nal across the street tn know what they would
charge for 400 small bills, to be done on yellow
paper! We shall rccur to this matter again.
Judge from this that there is still feeling
fclt against me in that picturesk village.
will not speak Of tho timc when, bein in
straitened circumstances, let myself to sabbath
school picnics to sing ballads adapted to chill
dren's nnderstindins, Accompanying myself on
the claironet; bu: ono day forgot where was
singing instead OF
"Oh, how pleasant to be little child,
Rip snap, set 'em up again,
Right In the middle Of hree.cent pie,
which mistake, added to tho fackt that could
not play onto the claironett except making it
howl dismal, broke up tho picnic, and children
s,id, in voices choked with sObs and emotions.
where was their home and where was their pa?
and said to be quiet, dear children, am your
"a, which made young woman with two
twins by her side SAY angrily, "Good heavens
forbid that you should ever be tho pa OF any OF
these innocent ones, unless ii is much desirable
to expire igminyusly upon to a murderer's gal.
lust"
SAY I will not speak of this. Let II be ber-
rid into oblivyun.
In your article. Mr.. Editor, please tell Gun
what sort of mau am.
II you soc fit to kritcise my Show, speak
your mind freely. do not object to kriticsm.
Tall the public in candid and graceful article
that nv show abounds in moral and startlin GU
riosites, any one of whom is wuth dubblc tho
price of admission.
have thus far spoke Of myself exclusively
as exhibiter.
was born in the State Of Maine Of parents.
As u infant attracted Sroat deal OF attcn
ton. The nabcrs would stand over my cradle
for hours and SLY. GLOW bright that little face
looks! How much it nose ~ Tho young
ladies would carry'me round in their arms, say.
in WAS "muz1rr's beny darliD, and swcety,
eety title ting" It was nice, tho wasn't old
enough to properly appreciated it. I'm hclthy
old darin now.
have alters sustained n good moral charac.
ter. never was railroad director in my life,
Altho in early life did not inva'bly ccntinc
myself to truth in my small bills, have been
gradooally CROWN respectabler and rcspectabler
every year. uv my children, and never mis-
take another mans wifc for my own. I'm not
n member OF any meotn house, but firmly
bleeve in meetin houses, and shouldn't feel sale
10 take q dose Of laudanum and lay down in
the streets OF village that hadn't any, with q
thousand dollars in my yeet pocket.
Ny temperament is bilious, altho don't owe
dollar in the world.
am an early riser, but my wife is a Presby-
tcrian. may add also tha, am bald headed.
! keep two cows.
Iliv in Baldinsvllc. Indiany. My next door
nabor is Old Steve Billins. III tell you lit
tic story about Old Steve that will make you
la(T. lie jincd the church last spring and the
minister sid, "Ycu must 20 home now, Bro
ther Billings, aud erect family altar in your
own house," whereupon the egrejis old ass
went home and built u rcg lar pulpit in his set.
tin.room. lie had the jiners in his house over
four days.
! am Sc (5G) years Of age. Time with its
relentless scythe is ever busy. The old Sexton
gathers them in, ho gathers them in keep
pig this year.
don't think Of any thing more, Mr.. H'ter.
II you should givo my portrait in connection
with my Bogfry, please have mo ingrayed in
l,pvu;sb;n ,ttitnni l,u min IN m p,nrhl, p,lI,r