The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1866-09-28

AHtemuS ~ afU In AOuuOns
Mr.. PuScH-My Dear Sir !: You prob'ly
didn't meet my uncle Wilyim when he was
on these shores. jedge 80 from the fack
that his pursoots wasn't litrary. Commerce,
which it has been trooly observed by
statesman. or somebody, is the foundation
stone onto which a nations greatness rests
glorious Commerce was Uncle Wilyim's
fort He sold soap. It smelt pretty, and
redily commanded two penis cake. I'm
the only litrary man in our family. It is
troo, once had dear cuzzen who wrote %
versis onto "a Child who nearly died Of the
Measles, o! y but as he injoodiciously in
trojuced chorus at the end Of each stanzy,
the parents didn't like it at all. The father
in particlar, wept afresh, assaulted my cuz-
zen, and said he never felt so ridicklus in
his intirc life. The unhappy result was
that my cuzzcn abandind poetry forever,
and went back to shoemakin, a shattered
man. 6
My Uncle Wilyim disposed Of his soap
and returned to his nativ land with o very
excited opinyin Of the British public. "lt
is a edycated community" said he; "they
are q intellectual people. In one small
village alone sold SO cakes Of soap, in
cloodin barronial halls, where they offered
me ducal coronet, but said no-give it to
the poor" This was the way Uncle Wflyim
went on. He told us, however, some stories
that was rather too much to be easily swal-
lerd IL fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not
emblem of .-,oth. He retired some years
ago on Ansum COMPETENCY derived from
the insurance money he received on rath-
err shaky skooncr he owned, and which
burned up while lynn at a wharf one night,
the cargo havin fortnitly been removed the
day afore the disastriss calamity occurd.
Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most
sing'ler things he ever heard of; and,
after collectin the insurance money, he bust
into flood of tears, and retired to his farm
in Pennsylvany. He was my uncle by mar
riage only. l do not say that he wasn't q
honest man. simply say that if you have
q uncle and bitter experience tells you it is
more profitable, in pecoonery pint of view
to put pewter spoons instid of silver ones
onto the table when that uncle dimes with
you in frenzy way-I simply say, there is
eumthin' wrong in our social systim, which
calls loudly for reform.
rived on these shores at Liverpool, and
proceeded at once to London. stopt at
the Washington Hotel in Liverpool, because
it was named in honor of q countryman of
mine who didn't get his living by making
mistakes, and whose mem'ry is dear to civ
ilized peple all over the world, because he
was gentle and good as well as trooly great.
We read in Histry of any number of great
individools, but how few of 'em, alars !.
should we want to take home to supper with
us? Among others, would call your atten-
ton to Alexander the Great, who conkerd
the world, and wept because ne couldn't do
it sum more, and then took to gin-and-selt-
ger, gettin' tight every day afore dinner
with the most disgusting regularity,
causin' his parunts to regret they hadn't
'prenticed him in his early youth to biskit
baker, or some occupation of a peaceful
and quiet character. l say, therefore, to
the great men now livin' (you could put 'em
into Hyde Park, by the way, and still leave
room for a large and respectable concourse
Of rioters) -be good. say to that gifted
but bald -heded Prooshan, Bismarck, be
good and gentel in yoor hour of triumph.
l always am. 1 admit that our lines is
different-Bismarck's and mine-but the
same glorious principle is involved. am
a exhibitor Of startlin curiostys, wax works,
snaix, etsetry, ("either Of whom" as q
American statesman whose name amt at
liberty to mention for political reins, as he
C4pcCAo w UC C0uulu0lC lux RIOAA AVAU
oftiss, and hence doesn't wish to excite the
rage and jelisy Of other showmen-" either
of whom is with bubble the price of ad-
mission"); l say l am. exhibitor of
startlin' curiositys, ana have also had my
hours or triumph, brit try TO DO good in
'em. II you say, "Ah, yes, but also your
hours of grief and misfortin' answer,
it is troo, and you prob'ly refer to the cir
cumstans of my hirin' young man of
dissypated habits to fix hisself up as A real
Cannibal from New Zeelan, and when was
simply tellin' the aujience that he was the
most feroshus Cannibal Of his tribe, and
that, alone and unassisted, he had ct sev'ril
Of our ellow-countrymen, and that he had
at one time even contemplated eatin his
Uncle Thomas on his mothers side, as well
as other near and dear relatives-when
was maxim these simple statements, the
mis'ble young man said was lyar, and
knockt me off the platform. Not quite
satisfied with this, he cum and trod hevily
on me, and as he was a very musculer per-
son, and wore remarkably thick boots,
knew at once that canary bird wasn't
Walkin' over me.
admit that my ambition over slept her.
self in this instuns, and I've been very care
full ever since to deal square with the pub
lie. If was the public should insist on
squareness, tho shouldn't do as q portion
Of my audience did on the occasion jest
mentioned, which they was emplyed in sum
naberin' coal mines.
"As you hain't got no more Cannibals,
to show US old man." said one Of 'em,-who
seemed to be kind Of leader among them
'em,-a tall dis'greeble skoundril-"a as you
seem to be out Of Cannibals, we'll sorter
look round here and X things. Them wax
iggers of yours want washin'. There's Ma
poleon Bonaparte and julius Cesar-they
must heve BATH" with which coarse and
brutal remark he initiated the shrill war
hoop Of the western savage, and, assisted
by his infamus coal heavin compauyins, he
threw all my wax work into the river, and
let my Wild bears loose to pray on peace
full and inoffensive agricultural community.
Leavin Liverpool I'm goin' back there,
the-I want to see the Docks, which heard
spoken Of at least once while was there) l
cum to London in let class car, passiu'
the time very agreeable in discussin', with
countryman Of mine, the celebrated
Schleswig- II olstein question. We took thst
interesting question up and carefully traced
it from the time it commenced being 50,
down to the present day, when my country
man, at the close of the four hours amy
mated debate, said he didn't know anything
about it himself, and wanted to know if I
did told him that didn't. He's at Rams
~at> ccx~ onI . -, ~ ~ r;tc Il; =, - han fonl