Clarksville weekly chronicle. [volume] (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1865-1867, 1866-06-22
WIT AND MUMOR.

All "Center" and no circumference--The
Fenian affair.
Dear ladies, tilt as much as you please
We can stand it if you can.
John esked Julia, If she would marry him.
"No" said she, 81 will not have you" but
before John could recover from the shock,
she arshly put in-"but you may have me p
TERRiBLE.--Abby Kelly Foster prophesies
"a damnation Of blood and fame and fire."
unless suffrage is given the negroes.
Mr.. Billings describes love as state of
mind where judgment yields to fancy aud
fancy to nonsense.
"You here, Jones2 How the dickens did
you find your way out2" "Find my way
out What do you mean?' "Why, the
last saw Of you, you were lost in slumber.'
"Ah, well, rode out on a nightmare
Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient
Greece? Because 1t once had Scion Isole
on e f-t F-
How does hair-dresser end bis days He
curls and dyes. And a sculptor He makes
faces and busts.
An exchange comes to us with a notice
that "Truth" Is crowded out of the ISSUE This
10 almost AZ bad as the up-country editor,
who said, "For the evil effects Of intoxicating
drinks see our outside"
An editor in Iowa has become so hollow
from depending upon the printing business
alone for bread, that he proposes to sell him
self for stove-pipe at three cents foot.
In contemplating your misfortuues always
look beneath you--in thinking of your for
tunes always look above you-thus you will
be kept from despair and from pride.
Good women are the salt of the earth;
sweet ones the sugar; pungent ones the pep
per- biting ones the musturd, and sour ones
the vinegar.
"Did any Of you ever see an elephants
skin ?" asked the master of an infant school,
81 have" shouted a six year old at the foot
Of the class. "Where 2" inquired the teach
er, amused at his earnestness. "On the ele-
phantp
They had a baby convention in Musca-
tine, Iowa, the other day. Fifteen mothers
with their little ones were present, and voted
on the question of the prettiest. Each baby
got one vote aud no more.
"Gentlemen Of the jury" said Western
lawyer, 81 don't mean TO insnuate that this
gentleman is covetous person; but I'll bet
five to one that if you bait steeltrap with a
new three cent piece, and place 1t within
three inches of his mouth, you would catch
his SOUL"
A western critic, in speaking of new
play, says: 1.-THE unities are admirably OBJ
served; the dullness, which commences in the
first act, never flags for moment until the
curtain falls"
A man came home drunk one cold night
and vomited in basket containg goslings,
which his wife had placed before the FIRE,
Upon seeing which he exclaimed: "My God,
wife, when did swallow them things?"
any DEAR said man to his better half,
after matrimonial squabble "you will never
be permitted to SO 10 heaven"
"Why"
because you will be wanted as torment
below"
Break woman's heart, and she will smile
and forgive you. Break joke upon her
face, and she declares war--war to the scis-
sors.
A young lady refused 10 go into an arse
nal the other day, because she heard that
some Of the mukets were without breeches
Rogers, the poet-banker, onces said, "If
were compelled 10 make choice, would
not hesitate to prefer despotism to anarchy
Then you would do" replied Horne Tooke
"just as our ancestors did in the days of the
reformation-they rejected Purgatory ant
kept He'll"
One Of our exchanges says: Our "devil,
like most of printers devils" is a great ad
mirer of ladies', and of course has ''sweet
heart" The other night, he and his lad,
love were on their way to the concert, walk
ing along, and chatting brskly, when sh,
suddenly caught his hand and looking NJ
smiingly in his face, asked;
"Do you know why l cannot get reli
gion u
mo, my DEAR do not" he replied.
at is because love the Devil n
~ golly" he exclaimed, am glad your
q sinner.
A JURoRs name was called by the clerk
The man advanced to the Judges desk an
said
Judge, should like to be excused"
at is impossible said tho Judge docid
edly.
"But Judge, if you knew my reasons"
"Wefl, Sir, what are they2"
"Sir the fact is" and the man hesitated
Proceed continued the Judge.
"Well, Judge, il must say il, I've 60
the itch"
The Judge being very sedate one turne
la la CLARK aud aafl & l'lark srroIsL tho
man out"
A CABINET CoLLoouY.
Says Seward TO johnson, great dangers see
We've factions run mad, and traitors /
brave us,
Feom evils at hand, and the evils TO be,
Do you think that this spcech-making Con
gress can save us?
Says johnson, good sir, wonders never vii
cease,
Strange things will fall out to please o
appal u.s.
Though Rome was once saved by the cack
ling of geese,
IT'S fate, opne, lhat will never befal
us.
ARrENus WARD OUT LATA AT NloHr.-Th
Philadelphia Home Weekly says;
Artemus ward was out late one nigh
and gives his own account of his retur
home: II was late when got home. Tn
children and my wife were abed, But can
dle-a candle made fiom taller of our ow
raisin'--gleamed in Betsys room; 1t gleame
for Al was still. The sweet silver moo
was shinin bright, and the beautiful star
was up to their usual doins'. felt senty
mental mood still so gently DER me stealth