The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1866-12-28
CHAMBERMAIDS.
APhlllIpplc, by a california Bacne-


IOF.
Against all chambermaids, of what
soever age or nationality, / launch the
curse of Bachelordomi
Because:
They always put the pillows at the
opposite end OF the bedroom from the
gas burner, so that while you read and
smoke before sleeping las is the ancient
and honored custom of bachelors) you
have to hold your book aloit, in an un-
comfortable position, to keep the light
from dazzling your eyes.
When they find the pillows removed
TO the other end of the bed in the morn
ing, they receive not the mute sugges-
ton in a friendly spirit, but glorylng
in their absolute sovereignty, and un-
pitying your helplessness, they make
tho bed just us 1t was originally, and
glont in secret over the pang their ty-
ranny will cause you
Always after that, when they find
YOU have transposed the pillows, they
undo your work, and thus defy you
and enbitter the life that God hath
Ifthey cannot get tho light in an in
convenient position any other way,
they move the bed.
II you pull your trunk out six inches
from the wall, SO that the lid will stay
IN when you open 1t, they always
shove thattrunk back again. They do
Ifyou want tho spittoon in certain
spot, where 1t will be handy, they don't.
And so they move 1t.
They always put your other boots in
accessible places. They chiefly en- Joy
depositing them as far under the bed
as the wall will permit. 1t is because
this compcls you to get down in an un-
dIgnitied attitude and make wildsweeps
for them In the dark with the bootjack,
ind to swear.
They always put the matchbox In
some other place. They hunt upa new
place for It every day, and put n bottle,
or other perishable glass thing, where
the box stood before. This Is to cause
you to breal: TINT glass thing, cropping
In the dark, and get yourself into trou-
BILE.
They are forever ana ever moving
the furniture. When you como in, in
the night, You can calculate on finding
the bureau where the wardrobe was in
the morning. And when you go out In
the morning. II you leave the slop-
bucket by the door and the rocking
chair by the window, when you come
in Mt midnight, thereabouts, you will
fall over the rocking-chair and you
will proceed toward the window and
sit down In that slop-tub. This will
disgust you. They like that.
No matter where you put anything,
they not are going to let It stay there.
They will take 1t and move 1t the first
chance they get. 1t is their nature. And
besides, II gives them pleasure to be
mean and contrary this way. They
would die II they couldn't be williams:
They always save up all the old
scraps of printed rubbish you throw on
the floor, and stack them carefully on
tho table, and then start the fire with
your valuable manuscripts. If there
Is any one particular old scrap that
YOU are more down on than any other,
and which you are gradually wearing
your life out trying to get rid OF, you
may take all the pains you possibly
can In that direction; but IL won't be OF
any use, because they will always
fetch thnt old scrap back and put It the
Same old place again every time. 1t
does them good.
And they use up moro hRir-oil than
any six men. II charged with pur-
loining the same, they llo about It.
What do they caro- about hereAiterY
Absolutely nothing.
II you have your key In the door for
convenience sake, they will Cnrry 1t
down to the office and give 1t to the
clerk, They do this under the vile pre-.
tense OF trying to protect your property
from thleves-but actually they do 1t
because they want to make you tramp
bnck down stairs after it when you
come home tired, or put you to the
trouble Of sending waiter for II, which
waiter will expect you to pay him
something. In which cRso suppose
the dogrndcd creatures divide,
They keep always coming TO make
YOUR bed before you get up, thus do.
stroylng your rest and intlicting agony
upon y0u-but after you get up they
don't come any moro I'LL next day.
They do all tito nCnn things they Gun
think OF, aud they do them just out OF
pure cussedness, and nothing else.
ChAmbermnids RrO dead to every hu'
man instinct.
/ have cursed them In behalf of out.
rngcd baChelordOm. ThOy deserve II.
II can get bill through tho Legisla.
turo nboishing chambermnids, mean
to do 1t, MARK TWAIN.
San Francisco, Nov, II, 1866.