The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1866-01-31
From the Saturday Press.
Josh Billings Notes.
ON SKATING.

Havin herd much sed about skating parks,
and the CRATE amount ov helth and muscle
they WOE imparting tew the present genera
shun at o site advanse from fust cost, i
bought ticket and went within the Tense.
| found the ice in slippery condishun,
covering about nkers ov artyhshall water,
which waz owned bi stock company, and
| froze tew order.
Upon wan side ov the pond was ereckted
little grosery buildings, where the wimmin
sot on benchis while the fellers (kivvered
with blushes) hitched the magic iron tew
their feet
II waz most existing scene: the sun waz
the ski-and the wind waz in the air-and
the birds ware in the Southland the snow
waz on the ground-and the ice lay shivver-
ing with bad kold-and angels (ov both
genders) hucktuated past me pro ami con,
and fro; here a little and thare good deal.
IT. waz q most existing scene; i wanted tn
holler Bully" or lay down and roll over.
| But kept in, and aked with glory.
| Helth waz pictured on nanny NOBEL
brow.
| Az the femail angels put out ov the pond,
side by side with male angels, it waz the
most powerful scene ever stood behind.
The long red tape from their necks swum
in the breeze, and the feathers in the jock
eys auttered in the breeze, and other things
| (tew mulch tew menshun) futtered in the
| breeze.
| | don't think ever waz more crazee be-
fore in my life--on ice.
For long hours stood and gazed with
dunn excitement.
| felt like kanall boss turned suddenly
out tew grass.
| didn't know how to proceed.
| Az one ov the angels, more sudden than
awl the rest, cum fleeing down the trak, 3
lengths ahed oy her male ANGEL, awl eyes
ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov
speed; she seemed tew have cut luce from
earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape
oy Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with o
gorgours swoop terriffick, down crumbling
into . limped heap she went, with squeal
teriffick, living lovely mass ov dissastrus
skirt and tapering ankle.
Awl gathered around the bursted ANGEL !;
but 10. in minnitt's space. her wings agin
was plumed, and evry feather was in its law
ful phase: and on she fed, lafiing like wine
thru its buteous bushes.
had saw enuf-morc happiness than be-
longed tew me-and AZ i sloly wendell back
tew mi hum at the tavurn felt-gool.
ON AMERIKANs
Americans love caustick things; they
would prefer turpintine tew colone- water, if
| they had tew drink either
So with their relish Of humor they must
hav it on the half shell with kayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered
deep in mint sauce, and he il willing tew
wait till next day before he tastes it.
If yu tickle or convince an American, yu
hav got tew dew it quick.
An American luvs to laff, but he don't luv
tew make bizzness ov it !; he works, eats,
and haw-haws on a canter.
guess the English hav more wit, and the
Americans more humor.
We havnt had time, yet, few bile down our
humor and git the wit out ov it.
The English are better punsters, but kon-
slider punning a sort ov literary prostitushun
in which future happiness il swopped oph for
the plezzure ov the moment
Thare il one thing hav noticed: every
boldly that writes expects tew be wize or
witty-so duz everybody expect tew be saved
when they die; but thare is good reason tew
beleave that the goats hereafter will be in
the majority, just as the sheep are here.
Don't forgit one thing: yu hav got tew be
wize before you kan be witty; and DOM
forgit two things: single paragraph hal
made sum men immortal, while a volume
haz bin wuss than pile driver tew others
but what would Americans dew if it wanl
for their sensashuns?
Snmthing new, sumthing startling il ne
cessary for US az people, and it don't make
mulch matter what it ia huge defalka-
shun-a red elephant-or Jersee clans with
pearls in them will answer il nothing better
offers.