Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1866-12-21
O9lo Statesrrtrar,
LOVE wIrIloUT NONSENSE.
Not a Bit Like "a NOveI-A Capital
Take-OHF ON the Modern High Press
sure style of Doing IT.

| OnCe upon ClIne UneFo WIS IdlT young
maiden, whose name was Mary, although
they called her Moll for short. She wasn't
a tall, dark-eyed maiden, with clear, trans
parent skin, and lips like cherries, and
checks su1fused with blushes. She didn't
have glossy black hair, sweeping back in
Wavy tresses from her queenly brow, and
her form wasn't bit like Hebe's. No,
there was none Of those things; on the con-
| trary, she was short and thin, and had red
hair aud treckles, and she also sportcd
snaggle teeth and wore pads, but still she
was right nice girl, and there was a
| young man who fell in love with her, and
his name was Bill, although his friends
called him William when they wanted to
| hurt his feelings, for he didn't like it much.
lie wasn't fine looking, aud had neither
curly brown hair nor mOustaehe. Not
much. Bill laid himself out on soap locks,
and wore goatee that he had dyed twice a
week.
Now this Bill, he was in love with Mary,
but did he 90 and make deliberate ass OF
HIMSELF Did he, | say, 20 into grove
with her, and In the soft moonlight, by the
streamlet that murmured sweetly by, aud
with the tender zephyrs signing through
the foliage, tall down on his knees, SEIZE her
| jeweled maud, and breathe his deep afiec-
| LIOm in the tender accents of fond attach
ment. and swear ''by yon bright orb above
Ills, always to be tllime?" Did he, say :?
You can just bet he didn't. You can lay
ont your whole revenue safely OH that.
William knew too much about the price of
pants to go Hopping around on the wet
| grass with his good clothes on; besides, he
never cared anything about streamlets or
amy kind of cold water, except TO mix with
his gin. No, sir; it Was exceedingly strange;
| h,,f 20 81
alley gate, and he stood right up on his old
legs and says; Say, Moll, old gal, s'posen
we get hltched ?"
But how did Mary behave? Did she go
dropping to sleep over on the bricks in
dead faint, or did she hide her gentle head
on his shirt bosom to conceal her bushes
No, she didn't, and she didn't stay IL am
ever thine, my own love, dear William -
| On, my, no. She looked right in his
| yellow eyes and says, Pm in, Billy;
| Pm the gal for these sort OF things.
| Go imv And Instead of referring
him to her father, she only said,
MONT the Old man bust right out when
you tell him? Ha! hal" anu she laughed.
| But she didn't ask William to molify her
fond father. No, no. She very wickedly
advised him to poke the old MAI in the
nose if lie gave hun any of his lip." she
was lunDy SlTl, JhlS mary
Now the old man wasn'G wealthy, for he
sold soap-fat for living, and SO he didn't
think Bill was nOsing around after his
stamps; so, when Bill asked him, he neither
ordered him iercely away, nor did the
| dewy moisture gather in his eagle eye as he
passed his hemsttched up there and said :
BLESS you, my children, bless you'll" On
no, nothing OF the sort. He just blew his
old red nose on his bandana and told Bill
to take her along, for he was glad to get
rid of her, he was, and William would be
the same way soon, for she was awful rough
on victuals, and always broke plates when
she got mad.
SO, YOU see, there really was no necessity
for William to come at midnighJ's solemn
hour, in cab, and throw rope-ladder up
| to her window, and whistle three times on
his fingers, and then go up, hand-over-
hand, and bring her down in one hand and
her trunk in the other, and handbook aud
umbrella under each arm, and whole lot OF
bundles, and then get into the cab and fly
| to some distant shore. That's the way it
would have been in novel; but Bill said
he wasn't on that lay, so he just went out
| in the yard, and, out OF pure joy, he skim
ned the cat three or four times on the
grapevine arbOr, and then went and got his
butcher cart, and drove Mary right down
to the magistrate, to get the job done for a
Quarter-fOr he said he was some on the
low price, he was.
But the queerest thing of all was, that
| Bill had no tall, dark, rufilaDly rival, with
a scowling VisagO and black whiskers, who
flew at him with a drawn dagger and a
horse pistol in each hand, and muttered
curse upon his lips, and cried wildly for
"Revengc.} liza! ha!" and said "Sdath ~
and "Villain, thou diest!' Not any. There
was another fellow in love with Mollie, to
be sure, but he was weak-eyed young
man, who had sandy hair and wore specta-
cles and cnoker collar, and always looked
scared when you hollered at him. So,
when he saw that Bill had the best of the
girls affections, he looked all serene, and
said, "Go in, Billy, if you banker for her;"
and as Billy was Crihe on the banker,
he sailed right in.
| SO William, you see, had no trouble at all
and you couldn't get up an agonizing novel
about him, il you tried. lie didn't have
any urgent business that called him to a
| foreign land, and so he had to bid her a
| fond goodbye, and swear always to be
true, and then go away and forget her and
fall in love win dark-eyed Italian girl,
picking grapes in vineyard, with square
Towel folded on her head, while his forgot
| ten and forsaken Mary gradually faded and
pined away, aud baf1led the physicians
skill, and grew paler, and at last, when the
June roses were in bloom, lying gently
down to die, while through the open win
dow hoated in the balmy odor of jessamine
and honey suckle. And William didn't
come home at last, and, filled with DEATH
| less remorse, go daily to the sweet cemetery
and strew flowers on her grave, and teach
his children to lisp her name. Not at ali.
That is the way Mrs. h. ID. e. n. South
worth would have done it, but she wasn't
around. Billy was a butcher who wore
white shirt and shiny hat and he stayed
az home aud killed beet and sold it at big
price, and he stuck to Mary, and she kept
| healthy and wasn't much ON the pine, or
the fade, while if any fellows got to lurk-
| ing around, William went right out aud
batted them in the eye. lie did. ,
And then, at last, when all was over,
Mary didn't sit in the room while they
dressed her in white, and mixed orange
blossoms in her waterfalL and then gently
went down stairs with six bridesmaids at
her heels, and stand up with her William,
and weep gently while che was being mar
ried by the minister, and then get lots of
presents, and then go TO her new house, and
live through all the happy years with Billy,
and never know sorrow or trouble any
more. Why, of course, she didn't, for 1t
wasn't her style, you see. @
Shejust rushed up stairs and put on her
pink muslin and her old sen-bonnet, and
had nary bridesmaid, and went to the mag
istrates and never wept particle, and got
no presents bilt fifteen cents from the old
man to pay her car fare home, and when
she got to the magistrates she Just rose ip