The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1866-04-18


abundantly beans climb up the polished
poles and are freighted with pregnant pods !;
sweet corn waves in the May morning ze-
phyrs, and ripens to delicious roasting ears
under the warm spring sun; beautiful roses
bloom, their tender petals opening their in
nocent eyes from dewy slumber at the first
blush OF June aurora, and emit their, RICH
esh..fragrancc melons swell up to plethora
with their red, luscious pulp, and mature
before the first premontion of autumnal
frosts-yet have we any 'record " of one
pea, single bean, or an ear Of maize, a
rose bud, melon or a melon seed, being
added TO the "stock in trade" of the de-
par'ment Of agriculture No. not one; for
the only item showing source Of revenue
to the department is one speaking Of the
sale of fort nine bushels Of damaged wheat,
for Sl03.3O. 1t is said that the white house
is never forgotten when the good things Of
this Uncle Sam farm are in season. II is
said, land it is not my province to comment
on the veracity of the reporter" but to
simply confne myself to evident facts that
the splendid water melons Of that renowned
"truck patch 60 to the palates of the pale
occupants of the palatial executive mansion.
and to the cool cellars and iced larders Of
the sage cabinet ministers, who are not con-
stituiionally opposed to such good things of
this mundane spheroid.
3. Now we come to little bill of $13,-
Sol O5 paid for experimenting in truck
patch No 2. People of good, common horse
sense will think am joking, and that this
is hoax as GORGEOUS rs the moon hoax !;
but 'tisn't. 1t is a literal reality. A field
of probably ten acres--from which not q
pea or bean or 'yerb or q japonca or
cantelope has been raised-a field has
been plowed and narrowed and measured
with red tape, all for the small pittance Of
thirteen thousand dollars We have been
laboring under melancholy hallucination
out West concerning our mode Of practical
agriculture and its results, and have been
Boosting of our great pecuniary success. In
these crude conclusions we have been happy.
When ignorance is bliss, It's folly to be wise,
it is said, but let us enlghten little, and
ascertain what effect it will have on our op
teal organs and our calculations. Here, i'll
the District Of Columbia, Sir Isaac Newton
can pay $4,000 for preparing field of
ten acres for planting. and yet stand bril-
liant chance to make fortune! This
proves how absurd we are in our notions of
Western farming. Who could do so out
there? say il, and I say it boldly, that
all you ans" who want to know how 10
do it must come and experiment on the
truck patches of the United States govern
ment. What you cant learn how to pro-
duce, probably you can learn how to pocket,
and that is practical science!
But hasten 10 glance at another item.
The cute infantile amount which has been
paid for horse feed, hire and calculation
looms up to the gigantic proportion OF
- J-ra N N u rn n
ole, which carts his lovely carcass hiiher
and Won. Fel. the hire thereof he debi,ed
Uncle Saal, $50 per month, and in her seri-
Gus cereal support he went "snooks." for
,ne sums paid for keep" of horses would
keep hourishing livery in sleek condition,
and leave comfortable balance for whisky
punches and refreshments concomi.ant. l
might analyze further. | forbear.
COMMENTS.
"A fool and his grecnhacks parted
Personally have no cause TO complain
of Sir Isaac Newton. He used to sell me
when was a friendless sojourner in the
city Of Friends, n cheap dish OF ice cream.
1t was white and sweet, Of pure home made
tactical secretions, fresh rom his own real
estate and the nearest hydrant. Then he
had cakes,-genuine gingerbread Ito sell,
aS all KEcAt WlHISs CNcT OuTdtueu Win TIC
taxing studies Of scientific pursuits, must
have as recreation" Isaac never spoke
unkindly to me during the tenure of his
earthly career to data. Nor did he ever
write me wicked line. The fact is, we are
brothers." and with him l am at calmest
peace. | have no reason to doubt his dis
interested love for me, as for all mankind,
and his readiness Mt any moment to appoint
oh nf ala 'rY
don't know him personally,-but am sorry
to find that all that numerous class OF mend
icants VINO never ate dish of his celebrated
ice creams in Philadelphia, or any Of that
golden butter from his spring house, or
melons from his National truck patch, or
shifted near or affair off the perfumes of his
roses, or tasted the sweets Of his numerous
subordinate clerkships,-all other vaga-
bonds of the land think Sir Isaac Newton
"a GORGEOUS ass
The universal opinion Of him may be ina
gined from the fact that Agricultural State
Boards of all the New England States. Of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Michigan,
and Minnesota, have appealed to the Presi-
dent for his immediate displacement by the
substitution Of man who can, at least,
show knowledge of commonest English or
biography, and who can write at least one
sentence dramatically.
That he is a consummate fool, no one
doubts. He sent special envoy to China
for the purpose of ascertaining the mode the
Chinese had of making sugar and syrup
from the Chinese or sorghum cane. He
writes back Strange rs it may appear.
can not find in their agricultural works, or
in actual practice, the slightest evidence that
the Chinese cultivate sorgho for any other
purpose whatever than for chewing or suck
ing the stalks. The plant is not considered
a valuable product by the Chinese,
for do not believe there are twenty acres
on the whole island near Shanghai"
Every agricultural newspaper in the land
demands his removal, and the star of Beth
lehem has arisen, for the President has
stated to the Secretary Of the New England
Society (iion. Daniel Needham) his determ-
ination to put competent man in his stead
Yet, midst all, Sir lcaac sits in his chair Of
State, famous aud contented.
GAIT AN INDICATION OF CnARAcTER.-Ob-
serving persons move slow, their heads move
alternately from side to side. while they oc-
casionally stop and turn around. Careful
people lit their feet high and place them
down fat and firm. Sometimes they stoop
down, pick up some little obstruction and
place it quietly by the side Of the way.
Calculating persons generally walk with
their hands in their pockets and their heads
slightly inclined Modest persons general
~ step softly, for fear of being observed
Timid persons often step off from q side
walk on meeting another, and always 60
raund n sfnoo ;urtnad IF stamina over il