The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1866-10-19
Jhe 9edfora Gazette.
rlKE NATURAL HISTORY or BRIDES.

We have been favored with the ma
tural histories of man, the birds anC
beasts, Of the world, but no one has We
essayed the history of that indispensa
bic creature, the bride We propose il
this article to attempt to show how tht
vacuum caused by the shortcomings o
authors may be supplied by some en-
terprising Bohemian.
A bride is the elimination ofa moth,
er's anxiety and the commencement Of
a husbands serious reflections. 4
mother looks upon her daughter array.
ed as a bride, as an arrow shot from her
household culver at that butt OF female
archery, man; and, if the arrow has
made fair hit, is prone to chuckle
over the shot as showing forth her SUI
/ perior matronly skill. IF, on the con-
trary, the success is doubtful, then the
mother, like bad archer, blames the
arrow, the luck, any thing, indeed, but
her own bad management.
Brides are divided into numerous
classes. For example: sentimental
brides, who marry for love; speculative
brides, who marry for money; anxious
brides, who marry for the sake of be-
ing married; accommodating brides,
who marry because their lovers asked
them to marry; unresisting brides, who
marry because their friends desire them
to marry; inquisitive brides, who mar
~ forcuriosity, and invalid brides, who
marry to restore their health.
Sentimental brides are The most nu-
merous, but not the most happy Of the
orange-wreathed tribe. They are gen
orally young creatures, who revel in
poetical dreams connected with the
wearer Of a love of mustache, or the
possessor Of a handsome nose, or eX-
pressive eyes, or an animated doll, who
can make pretty little speeches, grace
full bows, or sing a pretty little song.
She fakes great pride unto herself be-
cause she married Charlie for his own
dear self, and not for his surroundings
unaware that a mans position in So
ciety. his friends, and even his wealth
or poverty is as much part of himself
total as the curl Of his hair, the song he
sings, the strut he affects, or even his
education. She generally finds, when
the song is less brilliantly sung, the
mustache requires Christadora, thehead
a wig, and the poetical speeches are
turned into matter-of-fact imperatives,
that the varnish is rubbed off, the gloss
removed, and Charlie is not the man he
used to be.
The money bride has made herselfan
article of merchandise, and is to be
valued according to the price she OH
tains for herself. She belongs to every
condition Of socicjy, from her who mar
ries for social position, horses and car
riages. diamonds, houses and a bank
account, to the work-9jrl who marries
a one room home, and the privilege Of
only half starving on her husbands
petty weekly pi-tance. She generally
reaches the conclusion that she has sold
herself too cheap.
The health-seeking bride looks on the
marriage service as a medical prescrip-
ton, the parson as doctor, and the
husband as the b0lus administered for
her ills-a blue-pill that must be swaI-
lowed, however naus eoGs. She knows
that she is travelling on the road to
death. vet cljnging to life, endeavors to
throw her burden on her lord. Flying
from The embraces Of the worm, she IS
compelled to accept those of the bride
groom. Shemerelyprefers toan earth
ly dwelling, the marriage-chamber to
the narrow house appointed for all 'iv-
ing. The honeymoon shines through
apothecary bottles, and the epithalmi-
un is coughed in wheezy periods.
The purchasing bride is generally an
old maid or widow, who despai"ing Of
being courted for her own sake, seeks
husband through the medium Of her
pecuniary charms. She generally lets
every one know, after marriage, that
She keeps the purse-stTings in her own
hands, and the young man-tor this
class generally succeeded in obtaining
voung men-whOm she had succeeded
in entrapping is highly and everlast-
inelv indebted to her. The experience
of such is usually the conclusion that
they have paid too dearly for their
whistle.
The husband desiring bride is, per
haps, the most composed Of all brides,
the least enthusiastic, and the most
likely to be happy. She marries be-
cause it is instinct with her, not because
she is particularly in love. So she is not
so ant 20 be troubled with the pangs Of
iealously, or to suffer from disappoint-
ment. when she discovers that the
bridegroom is not much better than the
average of men after all. She goes
through the days Of courtship as mat
fer of course; wonders at the Whims
and capriccs of sentimental girls; re-
ccives and accepts the offer Of marriage
as a matter Of course; dons the bridal
attire. and goes through the whole for
mufa of wedding, ceremonies and un-
ceremonies. as a matter Of course; per-
I I. 2. 70, oil