The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1866-11-22
n.s-i.s 81 Wsddine oske.

nreenins on wsdding Oaks.
Md Won ever dream on wedding
oakse MOI Well don't you do It. Never
b coaxed into tempting Providence, or
ia other gentleman, whose name COM
mences with D, BY doing II. The other
dav Two somebodies concluded to join
hearts and hands, 90 'for better or
voe,e,n or until death dissolved the
partnenhip, and gave one Of the arm
quiet life; and the somebodies, REGARDLESS
ofexpense, determined to do things up
In the old-fAshioned way, slung them
selves on cake.
Great loaves! much icing! many cit
ronE several raisins! lavish use Of hen
ffuit some Minnesota flour! = few SUI
sah These little etceteras made up,
look well, and while an inexperienced,
innocent, sentimental, unsophisticated
customer gaxed on the sugary Cupids,
and roses, and posies, aud true lovers
knots, and al the artistic little arrange
ments Of the confectioner's art, then
adorning each several cake, he half
wished he was about to marriage" and
divide cakes and things, and luxuriate
In hymeneal double blessedness.
Well, we happened to be around when
one Of the aforesaid cakes was cut, and
the generous recipient, desirous Of pisen-
ing himself, or dying young, gave Us =
royal ''slab," for the delectation Of our
sinnards" and the tickling Of our PAL
ate. We accepted the donation, and af-
ter devoutly saying, ANA, mana, mona,
mi" and offering up several other
equally beautiful petitions, prepared to
bolt the dangerous compound.
A suggestion was ofIered-we were
always glad to hear suggestions-"Save
4 piece to dream on" Accepted the
amendment-preserved . chunk-rolled
1t up at night, in piece Of tin-foil to-
bacco paper, and placing 1t upon our
virtuous couch, and smoothing our vir-
tuous pillow over the same, carefully
laid our virtuous head on both, and
shortly slumbered-but what slumbers.
Observation-Disclosures we were
about to marry-didn't mind that very
much-only bride insisted on going veil
ed to the altar-sure it was all right,
thought 1t best not to raise row on that
sccount, and submitted to let the cere-
mony proceed with alacrity. Parson
had no nose-wanted us to lend him one
Of ours, took out three, assorted sizes,
told him to take his Pickle stuck them
all on-asked US if we were ready-said
"Yes''-asked US what we would take
told him "whiskey sour''-instead of
acceding to our request he told US that
we were lawfully and in hospitable and
''loyap' manner made one fesh-asked
him what was the cost of the little ex-
cursion-parson told US he would take
one thousand dollars for the job, chill
dren under ten years of age not admit
I'D. Looked for our currency deposito-
ry-wasn't there-pulled off boots-no
greenbacks in them-asked the man if
lie couldn't miscellaneous cuss said
mot if the court knows itself"-cash on
delivery-'C. O. D. Is my best hold, 4"
said he. Turning to ask wife how she
was furnished for stamps, found that we
had married something between Anna
Dickinson, Jane Swisshelm, and Joyce
Heth.
Minister vanished-he went home
with spouse-time fiew-children began
to arrive every few days, by the dozen,
score, gOss-Lord bless us! there was a
million Of them in a couple of weeks, all
ugly and hungry as the devil.
Deserted our family went to Massa.
chusetts-elected to Congress-wished
we hadn't left our small wife and awful
large family. Felt as though the Ole
Gentleman had got us sure. Became
hall fellow with Sumner and Stevens
hated our country and loved niger
White man Stunned us, and black de
spised.
Grew worse-got to be an editor-Lor.
how We felt! Stole everything, lied
drank chain lightning, swore-grev
still worse-found ourselves politica
parson-blasphemed God, denounced hi
Gospel-Old Nick sat in the pulpit witt
US, said he would call for US next day.
Concluded not to wait for him, raj
away again. Wife, children, Congress
niggers, everybody ran after US, caugh
US after we had run two million Of miles
held consultation, one party favore
boring an oil well with US, while tn
other side wanted US touched off with
slow match. The "ayes' had it, an
''fiz, spang," how we did mount highe
and higher, saw the moon coming-tol
it to get out Of the way, man in tn
moon smiled, doubled up his fist and "
doubled upon it with much enthusiasm
Started broad awake with the force {
the blow, found ourselves standing o
our head, on the floor, our feet reposin
on our couch, and violent pains ragin
in the place located just below the belt