Des Arc citizen., 1866-09-29
ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON
His First Contribution to Punch.
'om the London Punch. Sept. l,

MR. PUNCH, My DEAR SIR :- You probably didn't meet my Uncle Wilyim when he was on these shores. l jedge so from the fact that his pursuits wasn't literary. Commerce, which has been truly observed by a statesman, or somebody, is the foundation stone onto
 which nations greatness rcsts--glori- ous commerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort.
 He sold soap. Tt smelt pretty, and readily commanded two pents cake. I'm the only literary man in our family
 It is troo, I once had dear cousin who
 wrote 22 yersis onto a child who near l lv died of the measles, or but as he l injoodiciously introduced chorious at l the end of each stanzy, the parients didn't like if at all The father in par
 ticker wept afresh, assaulted my cous- 1 in, and said he never felt so ridiclus ill
 his intire life. The onhappy result was l that my cousin abandined pocty forcv- l CT, and went back to shocmalSin a shat
 tered man.
 l My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap and returned to his native land
 with a very exalted opinion of the Brit
 Ii ish public. "It is a edycated commun- ity,' said he. "They'rc intellectual
 people. In one small village alone l l sold fifty cakes of soap, incloodin bar
 ronial halls, where they offered me a
 ducal coronet, but said no-give it to
 the poor" This was tho way Uncle | Wilyim went on. lie told us however
 some stories, that was rather too much to be easily swallowed. Iii fact, my
 Uncle Wilyim was not an emblem of 1 truth. He retired some years ago on l hansum competency derived from the 1 insurance money he received on a
 rather shaky old schooner he once
 owned, and which burned up while ly- ing at a wharf one night, the cargo hay ing fortinitcly been removed the day
 before the disastliss calamity occurd.
 My Uncle Wilyim said it was one of
 the most singular things he ever heard of; and after collectin the insurance money, he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to farm in Pennsylvania. He was my Uncle by marrig only. l do not say he wasn't an honest man. 1 I simply say if you hay Uncle, and
 bitter cxperunce tells you it is more profitable in a pecunery point of view
 to put pewter spoons instid of silver
 ones onto the table when that Uncle
 dimes with you in a friendly way--I simply say there is something wrong
 in our social sistim, which calls loudly
 for reform.
 I rived on these shores at Liverpool. : and proceeded at once to London. l : stopt at tlic Washington Hotel, in Liv- crpool. besausc it was named in honcr of d countrynnn of mine, who didn't get his Twin by malin mistakes, and whose memory is dear to all civilized people all over the world because he was gentle and good, as well as truly great. We read in history ofanv num- Der of great individuals, but how few of 'cn alars! should we want to take home to supper with us? Among oth- CTS, would cal your attention to Al cxandcr the Great, who conlSercd the
 world, and wcpt because he couldn't
 do it sum more, and then took to gin
 ant-seltzer, gcttin tight every day atore :, ldiancr, with the most disgustin reg lar , Fitv, catlsin his parents to regret they l hadn't prenticcd him in his early youth l to bisllit baker. or some other occlipa- ' ton of a peaceful and quiet character , say. therefore, to the great mon now Twin, (you could put 'cm all into Hyde 5 Park, by the way. and still leave room l for large and respectable concoIlrse oi 7 rioters)-be good. ] say to that gifted 2 Ulil Diltiltutti I lN0rituil. IbiSittult N. D' $ gooI and gentle iii yonr hour o D triumph | alWars afl. admit tiat Q our lines is different, Bismarck's anf : mine: but the same gIorius principles i' : involved. l am d exhibitor of startiii t curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetiy D ("cithcr of whom" as American {, statesman. whose naim ain't at liberty | to mention, for pcrlitical resins, as Ii, | .i. t,n. . iflafo ff,t.o 7 ncnt oiIiso, and hence doesn't wish t, c excite tue rage and jclsy of othc I showmen--.seither Of whom is wurtl f double thc price of admission; t say f am exhibitor of startlin curiositys | and l also have my hours of triumph s but I try to be good in 'em. If yol Il say, ..Ah, yes, but also your hours O j. grief and misfortin z I answer. it i }. true, and you probly refer to the cir 0 cumstance of my hirin young man o c dissypated habits to fix liisself up as t real cannibal from New Zcland, an,
 when was simply tellin the audicnc
 that he was the most ferocious canni . bal of his tribe, and that alone and un Il assisted he had ct scvril of our fellow G. countiymcn, and that he had at on 4 time even contemplated catin his uncl
 Thomas on his mothers side, as well a is other near and dear rclativcs--whcn
 was maxim these simple statements, tn e misablc young man said l was lycl e and knockt me off the platform. No
 satistide with this, he cum and tre1 le heavily upon me, and as he was mus
 cular person, and wore rcInarkabl IS thick boots, I knew at once that a ca
 nary bird wasn't walking over me.
 I admit that my ambition overlcp s. itself in this instuns, and have bee tn careful ever since to deal square wit
 the public. If was the public shoul i2 insist on squarcness, tho shouldn't d
 as a portion of my audience did on tn
 accashin just mentioned. which wa
 employed in some neighhoring coa in mines. sAs you hain't got no nor is, cannybals to show us, old man. sai at one of 'cn, who seemed to be kind C is, leader among 'em, tall, disagreeabl ns scoundril, ''as you seem to be out ( in cannybals, we'll sorter look round her ct and fix things. Them wax Tigers ( ht yourn want washin. There's Napolco d, Boneparte and Julius Caesar, they mus tn have bath," with which coarse an ey brutal remark, he initiated the shri oh war-whoop of the western savigc: an