The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1866-11-05
FACETIE.


How do General Banks friends differ
from him' Because they are in sober
earnest.
WHAT is the difference between tun-
mel and speaking trumpet One is
followed out, and the other followed
in.
WHY is a stagnant pool of water like
leaden image of satani Because one
is dead level and the other is q lead
devil.
WHAT is the difference between an
editor and a wife One sets articles
to rights, and the other writes articles
| to set.
THE latest brand of strychnine whis-
ky is called "needle gum" 1t is more
destructive than Jersey lightning" F"
IN u list of premiums, awarded Mt q
country fair, q reporter gave under the
head of Domestic articles-Best Bed
Comforter, Miss Mary Hail."
AwAG speaking of the embarkment
of troops, said, Notwithstanding many
of them leave blooming wives behind,
they 60 away in transports"
An old offender was recently intro
duced to a new country justice as John
| Simmons alias Jones, alias Smith. III
try the two women first" said the JUS
tice "bring in Alice Jones'"
"MY dear" said husband TO his af-
fectionate better half, after a little
squabble, "ysu'll certainly never be per.
mitted to go to heaven" "Why not r
Because you will be wanted as tor
mentor below"
"BoBBY, why don't you go home and
have your mother sew up that hole in
your trowsersr "Oh! go along, old
Gle, working for the heathen."
A WIDOW lady, sitting by cheerful
fire in a meditative mood, shortly after
her husbands decease, sighed out: Poor
fellow-how he did like good fire! i
hope he has gone where they keep good
fires
"As was going over the bridge the
other day." said native of Erin, II met
Pat Hewins. 'Hewins,' says /, how are
your Pretty well, thank you, Don
nelly says he. 'Donncllyn says L;
that's not my name Faith, then, mo
more is mine Hewins.' So with that we
looked at aich other agin, and sure
enough it was nayther of u.s."
"vAf's de matteri vats de matter p
exclaimed an old Dutchman, as he tuck
ed up his apron and ran out of his shop
to know the meaning of a crowd in his
neighborhood. "Vat's de matter ~
"There is man killed." said bystand-
er. "Oh, ish dat all, said our friend, in
disappointment. 'ish dat alli shust a
man kilt fought it wash fight"
An apprentice sailor boy falling from
the Ground top" to deck, stunned, but
little hurt, the captain exclaimed in
surprise: "Why, where did you come
from 7" "From the north of Ireland,
yer honor!" was the prompt reply as
the poor fellow gathered himself up.
JAMES. my son, take this letter to
the post-office, and pay the postage on
it," The boy returned highly elated,
and said, Father, ! seed lot Of men
putting letters i'll little place, and
when no one was looking, slipped
yours In for nOtninR.
"WHAT a soul-harrowing thing that
explosion wasw exclaimed lady who,
had just been reading an account Of a
blow-up. II know more sole harrow
ing thing than that" responded gen.
tleman, who was limping past. "What
can il be ?" asked the lady in surprise
Pegs in your boots" snarled the gen
tleman, as he limped away. q,
"SoME of the hosts of the olden times
were not nice in the treatment of their
royal patrons. He was a bold Bonifaee
Of the White Horse who charged George
II. guinea for an egg, and who, on be-
ing asked by his Majesty if eggs were
scarce, drily replied, mo sir, but kings
are"
"sAY. Billy, what you done with that
air sorril mare of yourn!"
"Sold her. said William, with smile
of satisfaction.
"Wot'd you getp
"Hund'd an fifty dollars, cash down"
"How. Hund'd and fifty dollars for
that old kickin', spawn critter! Who'd
you sell her tot"
"SOld her 10 mother"
A CORRESPONDENT Of the LewistOwn
Journal says he overheard the following
conversation between two small ur-
chins: Says one, "Ain't yOu got no
grandfather p "No." Il tell YOU re-
sponded the first, "they're tip top. Let
yer do as yer please give yer as much
good stuff as yer can eat, and the more
yer SARGE 'em the better they like it,
OK trial for an assault which took |
place at the assizes some years ago, q |
medical witness, in giving his evidence,
informed the court that, on examining |
the prosecutor, he found him suffering |
from a severe confusion of the integn- |
ments under the left orbit, with great !
extravasation of blood and ecchymosis |
in the surrounding cellular tissue, |
which was in tumefed state. There
was also considerable abrasion of the !
curticle. Judge: "You mean, ! sup
pose, that the man had black eyer I
hYes.D "Then why not say 80 at onee.r
DURING our Revolution the Episcopal
Church was represented in Baltimore
by a clergyman who sided with the |
tories and became the centre Of their !
party But suddenly he changed his |
department. His parishioners came 10
inquire the cause. Had he found his |
opinions wrongi Had he received new |
light upon the word Of Godf Not at all. |
He frankly explained: ~ hare receired
a note from Sam PHrriaAoe, (the leader of
the whigs,) aHd Ikare concluded that u
10 safer 10 trust my soHl wifh my meyciful
God than my body 'cith Sam PsrriaRoe and
his gang"
"OPs AxD HTRoS.r-A worthy alder
man of Bradford, in Yorkshire, was 80
great a purist that he would never pay
a bill that had faulty spelling in il. One |
day he received bill for packet of
"ops," (hops) which caused the learned
precisian to send for the hapless wight |
and give him lecture, asking him If he |
was not ashamed 70 spell hops in that
manner. "Why, sir, If you must know
the truth, we have been obliged to do IL
ever since yoih brother-in-law took all
the his to spell iron-r
fapprsfo<pv<r NJ fhnr Tx.1isxsyls