Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-01-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

dho nlS arrow Is tlpp0 with jewel
And shot from a silver string
WIT AND HUMOR.
The lowest scale in NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS..
The meanest instruments invented-Sickles
generally.
A dogma is defined as an opinion laid down
with snarl.
A man who has been cropped for felony, has
no ear for music.
"You can't do that again." said the pig to the
boy who cut off his tail.
Dutchmen are the fittest men for pall-bearers:
they always feel at homs when near the bier
To destroy rats-catch them one by one and
fatten their heads with lemon-squeeze.
Why is a married man like a candle Because
he some times goes out at night when he ought
not to.
ssThere is divinity that shapes our ends,', as
apig remarked when contemplating the kink in
his tail.
The sheep in the meadow, and the axe in the
forest, alike contribute their chops for the bene.
ht of man.
was made to say that the sfreed slaves take kind
1y to pork"
What is the difference between a gentleman
and dogs tail One keeps a carriage, and the
other wagging.
A little girl was asked what catar act or wat
erfall was, replied that it was hair flowing owe,
something she didn't know what.
The phrase, fighting on bis own hook, - is now
more elegantly Notwithstanding war upon the
individuality of his personal curve.''
<rTo =
will give you glass of beer.'' ga lie! l never
told lie in my lfe.'' 'sDraw the beer, boy
Why do you keep yourself so distant said
fair one to cool lover. Because, said he, dis.
tame lends enchantment to the view.
bachelor editor Of our acquaintance, who
has very pretty sister, recently wrote to 9TH
or bachelor editor equally fortunate, 'spiease
exchange"
p Secretary McCulloch, in his report, most APPLY
(but innocently) speaks of the public debt as a
''matter Of SURPRISING interest.'' He never spoke
truer word.
"Old age is coming upon me rapidly" as the
urchin said when when he was stealing apples
from an old mans garden, and saw the owner
coming, cowhide in hand.
'sCome here, my little fellow said "a gentle
man to q youngster of five years, while sitting
in aparlor where large company were assem-
bled: edo you know me 2" "Yith thir. p
"Who am let me know?'' ssYou it'll the
ma who kithed mamma when papa was in New
York"
"I say, Joe, how Eye do, how's all the folks
At home %
equity we'll, only the old man has got the mi.
asma, and Sal has got an affection for some fell
ier--how's yours %
cob, so, SO, 'cept the old man, he's getting
old and infe rnal.''
"What ugly, carroty- headed little brat is that,
Mrs. Smith Do you know his name ?''
"Why-yes-thati is my youngest son." replied
Mrs. Smith.
oYou don't say so-indeed why what a dear
sweet little doveeyed cherub he is, to be sure.''
This is the fashionable scientific way of back
ing ssright square out.''
The following is list of unpublished inven.
tions, which will be found very useful to every
body interested:
/. A powder.proof female.
z. wedl0ck which cannot be picked by law
yers.
s. 4 peck measure which held but half peck
4. An electrical machine which gets up an af-
fnity between uncongenial spirits.
S. An electro ma gnetic alarm, which warns
susceptible young; women against designing men.
6. machine which cleans and thrashes chill
dren.
z. A machine which goes through the whole
pro cess of courtship and marriage. This is the
invention of a tailor and hairdresser.
8. A machine which cats poor acquaintance
and makes new rich ones. It is the inv ention OF
retired millionaire.
9. A disagreeabFe easy chair for unwelcome
visitors. It is upholstered with curry combs,
hair pins and fish hooks. No editorial sanctum
should be without one.