The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1866-03-11
The First Baby.

BY the Rev. Mr.. -, S. W. B. to
G. c., only daughter, etc. ''No
cards" Why didn't it say no baby?
[ have one of these interesting ami
mails at my house. 1t came when it
rained, dark as pitch, and my UNI
brella at the store-no cars running.
The doctor lived five miles due West,
and the nurse six miles due East, and
when I got home to the bosom of my
family, the condensed milkman was
at the next door. 1t is funny chip,
that baby. Solferino color, and the
length of a Bologna sausage. Cross?
1 guess not. Um UNI; it commenced
chasing me down the pathway of life
Just when muslin, linen and white
flannel were the highest they had
been since Adam built house FOR
Mrs. Ewes chickens-doctors charged
two dollars q squint, four dollars q
grunt, and on account Of the scarcity
of rain in the country, take what is
left in mans pocket, no discount
for cash, and send bill for balance,
January 1. A poor thing is that baby;
q speck Of a nose like wart; head as
bald as a squash, and no place to
hitch waterfall; mouth just suited
to come the gum game and chew
milk. Oh, crackee, you should hear
her sing. have bumped it, stuffed
my fur cap down its throat, giving it
the smoothing iron to play with, but
that little red lump that looks as if it
couldn't hold blood enough to keep
mosquito from fainting, persists in
yelling like thunder. 1t shows a
great desire to swallow its fists; and
the other day they dropped down its
throat, and all that prevented their
going clear through was the crook of
its elbows. 1t stopped its music, and
| was happy one and half minutes.
1t is pleasant thing to have q baby
in the house.
Think of the pleasures of u father,
in dishabille, trembling in the mid
night hour, with his warm feet upon
a square yard of oil-cloth, dropping
paregoric in spoon by moonlight,
somebody humping on the door,
wife Of your bosom shouting ''hurry,''
and the baby yelling till the fresco
drops from the ceiling. It's nice
time to think of dress coats, pants,
ties and white kids. Shades of de-
parted cocktails, what comfort, what
a picture for an artist in plaster of
Paris! Its mother says the darling is
troubled with wind on the stomach
it beats all the wind instruments you
ever heard. [ have to get up in the
cold while the milk warms-it uses
the bottle. I have a cradle with
representation of q miraculous sooth-
ing syrup bottle on the dashboard.
] tried to stop its breath the other
night-it was no go; l rocked it so
hard [ missed tho stays, and sent it
slap clear across the room, upsetting
q jan of preserves. 1t didn't make
any noise, then, oh no!
Its mother says only wait until it
gets bleached, C..'s been vaccinated,)
and old enough to crawl around and
feed on pins. Yes, I'm going to wait.
Won't it be delightful? John, run
for the doctor, sis has fallen in the
slop-pail and is chokin. with potato
skin; sis has fallen down stairs; sis
has swallowed the tack hammer;
shows signs of mumps, measles,
Group, whooping cough, smallpox,
cholic, dysentery, cholera infantum,
or some other darn thing to take all
the money aidby for my winters corn
beef; and all this comes from sham
poolng and c'lrling my hair, wearing
nice clothes, looking handsome, going
conrting, and making my wife fall
IN love and marry me.