Abbeville press. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1860-1869, 1866-12-21

Never reply TO the epithct of druul
ard, fool, or fellow.
Never speak contemptuously of woma
kind.
Never abuse one who was once your bd
som friend, however bitter now.
Never smile at the expense of your re-
Iigion or your Bible.
Never stand at tho corner Of street.
Never insult poverty.
A few days since young lawer wa
examining bankrupt as to how he hal
spent his money. There were about threl
thousand dollars unaccounted for, whsi
the attorney put on a severe scrutinizina
face, and exclaimed, with much selfcom1
placcncy, Now, sir, want you to tell thii -.
court and jury how you used those thre,
thousand dollars The bankrupt put Cd
a serio-co mic face, winkled at the audience
and exclaimed, '1Ae lacyers got that
The judge and audience were convulsed
with laughter, and the counsellor wai
glad to let the bankrupt go.
Coleridge was descanting in the presence!
Of Charles Lamb upon the repusive ap-l
pearance Of the oyster. 1t isn't hand}
some, Coleridge,' said Lamb; but, it has
the advantage OF you in one tbing.'-|
'What is that2' quered Gplebridge, whol
as every one knows, was an exhaustlessi
telkcr. 1T knows when to shut its|
mouth
DoRRowISG TRoUDLE.--"The worstl
evils" (says the proverb,) care those which,
never arrive" BY way of practical coun.
sci to all borrowers of trouble, I would
face the real difficulties and troubles
bles Of life, and you won't have time for
practising the art Of selftormenting.
The most contented people in the world
are those who arc most occupied in allcvi-
ating with Christian heart and hand, the
sorrows that the flesh is heir to. Visit the
homes Of Ignorance and poverty and vice,
and in face of tie terrible realities you will
there witness, your own petty cares will
seem as nothing.
The anxieties Of the fancy will-vanish al
together, while you will be far better able
to bear those burdens which, though real,
will seem light to you by comparison.
An Irish lawyer, Of the Temple, going
to lunch, left his direction in the key hole
Gone to the Edinburgh Castle, where you
shall find me-; and if you can't read this,
carry it to the stalioners, and lie shall read
it for you.'
A lady in Oregon, in writing to friend
in this city, says that cattle in that region
live to such great age, their owners have
to fasten long poles to The end of their
horns, for the aOrinkIes to run out on
do you see this stick, sir7' said very
stupid acquaintance to Sydney Smith;
this stick has been all round the world,
SIR Indeed said the remorseless Sydney,
'and yet it is only stick
A recent criminal trial at New Orleans
had a rather novel catastrophe; the pris-
oner was acquitted, and his own and the
counsel for the prosecution committed to
Jail for contempt Of court.
'Were you guarded in you conduct
while in New York9' said father to his
son, who had just returned home from his
visit to the city. yes, sir, part of the
time by two policemen
An irish witness in court of justices
being asked what kind of 'ear marks the
hog in question had, replied-He had no
particular ear-marks except vsry short
tall ;
At the General Sessions four men were
indicted for stealing beans. A gentleman
present asked another, what, have they
been dong?' Bean stealing,' was the re-
ply.
For Ever and Day.-A contemporary
says that the machinery of the Dunder-
burg will last for ever and adds that, tafA.
terwards, it can be sold for old iron.'
You have only yourself to please said
married friend to an old bachelor.
'True,' replied be, but you cannot tell
what difficult task can find it, "a
! A newspaper. was started not iong ago.
the first number of which contained let--,
ter from correspondent who signed him
self a constant reader:' -.
1
'Mr. Query wonders il, when Night falls,
she dosen't hurt berself9 She probably;
docs just about as much IA Day hurts her.