The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1866-11-14
FACETIE.

FACETIE.
An Irishmen being requested to define
hard drinking, said it was sitting on
n rock and drinking cold water"
A merchant having advertised his
stock TO be sold under prime cost, a
neighbor observed that it was impos-
sibie; he had never paid cent for 1t
himself.
Some women seem to think that
their husbands, like turkey legs, are
improved by being deviled.-LoHisriHe
Journal.
Forney complains that he does not
ret his deserts. Well, let him get
them-and be hanged to him. Prem
tice.
There is a man in Colorado so thin
that when the Sheriff is after him he
crawls into his rifle and watches his
adversary through the touch hole
At Atlanta. Ga, there is "a Widows
and Orphans Manufacturing Company
they don't make widows and orphans,
but simply furnish them with employ
<mrnt.
A short time since, the following ap-
pcared among the clippings of an eX-
change: =,
Why is the beard like common sense !!
Because no woman possesses 1t.
At which lady correspondent goes
for it" after the following fashion:
Why is the author of the above like
certain worn-out instrument of music
Because he is an abandoned Tyre (liar.)
"The little darling! he didn't strike
Mrs. Smiths baby a purpose, did he! IL
was mere accident, wasn't II, dear
Yes, ma, to be sure it was; and II he
don't behave himself, I'll crack 1t again
A Chicago paper says that among
those for whom prayers were asked Ill
the daily praycr-meeting, was Tor
''young man i'll Boston, so far from uod'
A lady seeing drunken man in the
gutter, said she was afraid he was
dead. Pat, who had been near enough
10 smell his breath, exclaimed: Path,
and wish had half his disease"
A lover wrote to a lady who had re-
iected him, saying he intended to re-
tire .'to some secluded spot and breathe
away his life in sighs." To which the
lady replied inquiringly whether they
were to be medium or large size. A lc-
cal friend answercd-aSsizc.
4 Scotchman once went to n lawyer
for advice, and detailed the circum-
stances for the case. Have you told me
the facts precisely as they occurred =,
said the lawyer. 80, ay, sir" rejoined
he IL thor't best tel We truths; and yc
can put the lies into it yourself"
A clergyman consoling n widow on
the death of her husband, remarked that
she could not find his equal.
Il don't know about that" remarked
the sobbing fair one, "but I'll try"
When is a plant like hog' When it
begins to root. And when is it like a
soldier! When it begins to shoot
When is it like an editor. When 1T be-
rims to blow. And when is it like Il
| ladye When it blooms.
"Marccry, what did you do with the
tnllow that Mr.. Jones creased his Ooots
with this morning" .
"Plcase, marin, fried the grlddlC
cakes with it,"
"Lucky for you; I thought you had
wasted it." Z, -,,..,.
An oldswoman on steamboat obsery,'
ing two men pumping up water to wash
the deck, and the captain being near by
she accosted him as follows well
CAPTAIN, got well, ch 2" "Yes, ma'am
ALWAYS carry one said the polite cap
tain. "Well, that's clever. always
did dislike the river water, especially
in dog days"
THE Rev. Mr.. 4 was more emil
nent in his day for the brilliancy OF his
imagination than the fore of his logic
At one time he was preaching on The
Ministrations of Angels" and IN the
peroration he suddenly observed: IL
hear Whisper The change OF tone
started the deacon, who sat below from
a drowsy mood. and springing to his
feet, he spoke: Il guess it is the boys
in the gallery
pregtaion that his denomination would
not hold service i'll certain church ed
ifice any more, for reason which 1t IS
unnecessary to name, and therefore he
would not meDti0n it. "Sutfice to say
he continued-''we are unable to pay
the rent"
"What is colonizing, ma p inquired a
hopcful miss of seventeen.
"Colonizing, dear" replied the moth
er, sis having Il home and raising a
family"
"Oh ma how I would like to colo
nizc." exclaimed the eXpectant daugh-
ter
"How rapidly they build houses
now said Cornelius to an old acquain-
tance, as he pointed to two story
house; they commenced that building
only last week, and they are already
putting in the lights" Yes" replied
his friend, land next week they'll put
in the liver"
"Sir,r said'an old Scotch woman to her
minister, II dinna ken part of your
sermon yesterday
Indeed, what is il I.
"You said the apostle used the figure
of circumlocution, and | dinna ken
what il it means"
as that alli It's very plain. The
figure of circumloction is merely peri
p0astic mode of diction."
"Oh! ali! that allr' said the good wo-
man: "what puir fool was not to
understand that"
THANKING PRovIDENCE.-At recent
fire in Fall River, two Irish labOrers,
who had behaved gallantly in attempt
ing to subdue the flames, were caught in a
dangerous predicament; one gable ofthe
house fell in, and that under which they
were standing tottered over them. The
younger attempted to fly from the spot
jut was overtaken by the burning ruin,
and very severely injured; the other
seeing an open door in the base of the
wall. darted through it, and emerged
unhurt on the other side. His employ
IL