Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1866-08-15
T
No. =.
KemptOn visits HowIand Springs.


I can lay aside the cares of business, and in.
dulge in pleasures of this sort, and 1t Is only
when 1 am very much depressed in spirit
and feel the need of q little relaxation, that
1 permit myself TO roam tie green clad
woods, climb the rocky hills, chase the little
butterflies, sing sweet songs, and otherwise
disport myself in a manne altogether gay
and frisky. From my youth up I have beer
an ardent admirer of the beauties of nature
and in my younger days was wont to go in.
to raptures over a tender fragile flower, and
was in transports of delight while in the
presence of a young, beautiful and gushing
girl of sixteen or Whereabouts. But one Of
these gushing creatures proved too much fol
me-. She overwhelmed me with the violence
of her affection, and completely submerged
me in the ocean of her love. Before l wa;
we'll aware of what was going on, I discov-
ed myself a married al Instead of walk
ing the path of single b~lessedness, which
leadeth straight to happiness, l found myself
treading the broad highway of matrlmonyi
which leads to untold misery.
NY health for a few days past has been de-
clining. The usual stimulants have failed to
keep my system well regulated. 1 seem tc
require a larger quantity, and experience les
satisfaction than formerly. Something wa:
wrong with me. While thinking of what ]
should do to set myself to rights again, some
one proposed spending an afternoon at How.
land Springs. The mineral waters might
benefit me, and a little judicious exercise on
the bowling alley might do me considerable
good I was pleased with the idea, and the
party was made up at once. There were SIX
of us, all married men, and we purposed
leaving our wives and babies at home. The
time was fixed for the next Saturday after
noon. Every arrangement was complete
When the time arrived, all we're ready
Thinking the Springs might refuse to yield
a sufficient supply of water, I caused to be
taken along in a stone jug, q quantity of the
one thing needful in the event of anything
of the kind happening. About M O'Clock
P. NJ, we started, and in due time arrived
at the Springs. After seeing the horses tax
en- care of, we proceeded to the bowling al
ley, and at once commenced operations by
choosing sides, laying off our coats, rolling
up sleeves, and otherwise preparing to go IN
on our muscle. I not only went to the
Springs for the exercise of rolling, but to try
the effects of the mineral waters. And IN
order that I should not too greatly aston
ish my stomach by the admission OF this
strange water, 1 quietly prepared the way by
imbibing q wholesome quantity of the con
tents of the stone jug. 1 was soon sensible
of its soothing effects, but thought the time
had not quite arrived to test the virtues OF
the waters. Soon taking a little something
more, 1 was in q good condition to roll as ]
supposed. Ny turn arriving about this time,
1 stepped upon the alley, wet my fingers in
tibet tin pail, and tooku one of the balls with an
ease and grace that showed my friends I was
at one time familiar with the business be-
fore me. Moving forward in the same
manner as those who have had considerable
experience in rolling, I sent my ball rolling
down the alley with a velocity that excited
the admiration of my friends, but it failed
to connect with the pins and e of the al
ley to the right. Nothing daunted, 1 took
another ball and advanced as before and dis
charged 1t with most excellent judgment,
but the result proved the execution to be bad.
This time it went off to the left. My oppo-
nents encouraged me with cheers, kindly ex-
pressions of regard, &c. Taking the third
ball, 1 deliberately went forward, and care
fully measuring the distance, sent it flying
down the alley this time it connected with
the pins, for 1 knocked the one on the right
corner "higher than a kite" l was disap,
pointed at the result of my rolling. l ex-
pected to do better than I did. 1 knew il
was in me, and determined it should come
out. The little exercise 1 had already tax
en-, coupled with the remarks Of all parties,
made me a little nervous, and in order to
steady my nerves, l deemed it essential ]
should drink something quieting. 1 there
fore once more resorted to the stone jug
When my turn came again, 1 went forward,
and succeeded in knocking down three pins.
The small boy who set up the pins yelled
out, "Guess old Kemp ha'int much on Q
roll" Some of the party laughed, but l
proposed going down and throwing him out
of the window, but my friends objected, and
1 finally concluded not to do anything of the
sort. Retired once more for a drink. Be-
came satisfied about this time that whisky
pure whisky, the fluid extract of corn and
rye-was Infinitely superior to all mineral
waters, and that the man who would change
or mix drinks in these cholera times, must
be a fool indeed. When my turn again
came, I knocked seven pins in as many diff
ferent directions. Ny opponents didn't en-
courage me as much as they did. Took an
other drink in order to brace myself up for
the final effort. When it came L was ready
under the inspiring influence of the whis-
ky, a shrewd idea came into my head. II
was to roll the ball with both hands instead
of one. Accordingly 1 placed myself in the
center of the alley, taking one of the largest
balls in my hands, and raising it opposite
lily AdCCs D4OuSnl II uOMn DCLhGCI hg 4NSoi
then threw it forward with all my might. At
ter letting go of the ball 1 could Mt keep up the
motion, and being influenced by an outside OF
inside pressure, fell forward, first on my
hands, then on my face. Taking a goodly
portion of the skin off my nose, and eleva-
ting a lump on my forehead about the size OF
a hens egg. / heard the cry 'strike," and
attempted to rise, butt at this unfortunate
moment, a ball which was being s'sent home
with great rapidity, bounded from the trough
and struck me on the back, knocking the
wind out of me, almost breaking my spine,
and injuring me seriously internally
Friends rushed forward and picked me up
and carried me to one of the benches, and by
judiciously administering cold whisky in
small doses, succeeded in getting me into a
shape to move. My doings didn't break up
the party exactly, nor spoil all the fun, bat
it had a tendency to expedite our departure
from the Springs. By the time the party
was ready to return, l was able to walk with
difficulty, and took my seat in the buggy,
with heavy heart and sore body. Nothing
of unusual interes occurred on the road
home. My mind was filed with forebOdings
of the reception I should meet with, from
Mrs. K, with whose peculiarities you are
somewhat familiar.
o--AN4S - 0NA GOhA ~ a. l. BAS
ceeded straight home. The first person l
met after entering the house was my wife,
who, seeing an expression of pain upon my
face, became alarmed, aud anxiously in
quired what was the matter. 1 informed
her that 1 had met with a little accident
down town, and wanted rest, and a cold
whisky "puneh'' 'tstif." She said 1 could
have the rest, but that 1 couldn't get the
punch" 1 attempted to argue the matter
with her, but she wouldn't listen to me, and
said 1 could make a beast of myself down
town, but as long as she had strength and
breath In her body, 1 couldn't get drunk in
my own house, and more to the same effect
And this is the woman who once upon s
time promised to Glove, honor and obey" me
l defy any man to find a match for this IN
feeling woman. Without any regard fol
my feelings whatever, she openly deies me
in my own house, refuses to permit me Il
: enjoy the blessedness of repose, the %consOla
2 ton of the most delicious of all drinks,
"punch, and otherwise shamefully treats me
: while I am the most tender and atfectionatc
of husbands, provide her with all the food
: and clothing she needs, and generallyle let hel
= have her own Wav-