Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-12-25
Written expressly for the Staunton Spectator.
OUR MESS-BY A REBEL SUBALTERN
MAJOR SAM STRETCHER.
CHAPTER [.

Our mess was composed OF about as heterO-
geneous compound as could be thrown togeth-
er by the hand of fate. An army is a world of
| itself, and, in its formation, all the various
| grades of the masses of humanity are represent
| ed, from the high-toned gentleman down to the
| most miserable off-cast of society. An officer S
| mess may be pleasant or disagreeable according
| to its making-up. When congeniality OF sentl-
ment, warmth of heart and mutual forbearance
characterize its gatherings, it is happy assocl
alton; but, If noxious element happens to
creep in, it becomes anything but pleasant. -
| Our association happened to be composed OF all
sorts of originals whose individual pecullarltles
shall endeavor to portray tor the amusement,
and, perhaps, instruction of my readers. Some
persons may object to the Southern tone of
| these sketches, but, when they reflect that the
war is now over and, trust, all hostility buried,
| they will be controlled by hberality and good
nature. f&s
II assure you: gentlemen, it's a fact; upon
nv soul, it is / am not glven to gasssaQ, my
words my bond and no man can say that l
knowingly-mind you, knoa0angly-told an un-
| truth
These words were uttered rather warmly by
q stout, thick-set man, with rough but fiorld o 1
| features, large and bushy red WhiskerS and hair
| to match. As he spoke the three last words,
he brought his right fist forcibly down upon the
| lid of camp-kettle beside him, and threw a.
round on the company glance which seemed
| to say-'Do you doubt me- sir or you--or you
| -or you?'
Our mess had just finished their noon-dayr re-
past-pork Of an extremely doubtful flavor,
beans as hard as bullets, and corn dodgers
that might have been used for siege purposes
as hard as an extortioner' heart and as sour as
his disposition, Sam, the cook, had been un-
| fortunate in his foraging expedition that morn
| ing. To the unanimous question OF What
have YOU got Sam ?" he only answered, pro-
jecting his thick lips forward like the proboscs
| of an elephant .a
1ssNary chicken, Marsa-nary shoat-nary
turkey. Kingdom is comm dis time sure, for
is got nary nofhn..
/ As said, we had just finished our grub and
we're lying on some clean straw which the prod,
| for our especial benefit We had lighted our
pipes and were listening to oone of the yarns OF
| Major Stretcher, the gentleman who always
| spoke the truth The fact is Stretcher had SO
| accustomed himself to uttering his munchau-
senisms that he really believed in their truth !;
| they had become stereotyped upon his mind as
| facts, and, should doubt be raised as to their
validity, he was always ready to relate another
story to prove the truthfulness OF the preceding
one. In the present instance no one openly
| made objections to his narrative, but gaBces
met. lips uuivered, as if suppressing hearty
laugh, and funny leer was observable in the
eyes of all. The Major was feared by none, OF
| the mess, for he had shown the white feather
on many occasions, and his bombast was too
well understood by the officers, as well as the
rank and file, and it was tacity agreed that We
should all acquiesce in his statements for the
| sake of the amusement derived from his narra-
| tives of improbabilltles.
| 81 tell you, gentlemen, on the honor of a
| Confederate soldier" continued he, drawing
himself up with dignity, Il have witnessed
these things-and, f you don't choose to be-
leve what have related, I'll tell you another
story which you are bound to believe. You,
| boys, talk Of your adventures, your hair-breadth
escapes and all that sort 0 thing. Pshawl
they don It begin to come up to mine-all gam
mon all as-all fiddle-de-de! There s>7no
| man in the Confederate service who has gone
through the perils that have. l must have
| been born under lucky star, for death has
stared me in the face thousand times, and l
have knocked the grim monster off just as east
| ly as [ do the ashes from my pipe.
| At Shiloh, partially spent thirty-two pound
4 ball came rolling toward me, | leaped upon it
and rode distance Of half a mile. When its