Public ledger. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1865-1893, 1866-09-22
ARTEMUS WARD In LONDON
His First Contribution to Punch
From the London Punch. Sept. IL

Mr.. PUNCH, My DEAR SIR-You prob
ably didn't meet my uncle Wilyim wher
he was on these shores jedge so from
the fact that his pursuits wasn't litrary
Commerce, which has been truly OBJ
served by a statesman, or somebody, il
the foundation stone onto which ma
tion's greatness rests-glorious com
merce, was Uncle Wilyim's fort. HI
sold soap. 1t smelt pretty, and readily
commanded two pents cake. I'm the
only litrary man in our family. 1t is
troo, | once had dear cuzzun who wrote
% versis onto A Child who nearly Died
of the Measels, or but as he injoodi
ciously introduced Glorious at the end
of each stanzy, the parents didn't like
it at all The father in pariicer wept
afresh, assaulted my cuzzun, and said he
never felt so redicklus in his intire life.
The Unhappy result was that my cuzzun
abandind poetry forever, and went back
to shoemakin shattered man
My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap
and returned to his native land with a
very exalted opinion of the British pub
lie. " 1t is a edycated community" said
he: Z" They're intellectual people. In
one small village alone sold fifty cakes
Of soap, incloodin barronial halls, where
they offered me ducal coronet, but /
said no-give it to the poor. This was
the way Uncle Wilyim went on, He
told us, however, some stories that was
rather too much to be easily swallowed
In fact, my Uncle Wilyim was not an
emblem of trooth. He retired some
years ago on bansum competency de-
rived from the insurance money he re-
ceived on rather shaky skooner he
once owned, and which burned up while
lyin at wharf one night, the cargo hav
ing fortinitly been removed the day be-
fore the disastriss calamity occurd
My Uncle Wilyim said it wus one of the
most singler things he ever heard of
and after collectin the insurance money,
he bust into food of tears and retired
to his farm in Pennsylvany. He was my
Uncle by marrig only. l do net say he
wasn't an honest man. simply say it
you hav uncle, and bitter experunce
tells you it is more profitable in pecoo-
merry point of'view TO put pewter spoons
insteed of silver ones onto the table when
that uncle dimes with you in friendly
way--I simply say there is something
rong in our social sistim, which calls
loudly for reform.
/ rived on these shores at Liverpool,
and proceeded at once to London. i
stopt at the Washington hotel in Liver
pool, because il was named in honor of a
countryman of mine who didn't get his
living by maxim mistakes, and whose
mem 'ry is dear to all civilized peple all
over the world, because he was gentle
and good as well as trooly great We
read in histry of any number of great in
dividooals, but how few of 'em alars !
should we want TO take home to supper
with us Among others, would call your
attention to Alexander the Great, who
conkered the world, and wept because
he couldn't do it sum more, and then took
to gin-and-seltzer, gettih' tight every day
afore dinner with the most disgustin'
reg CLARITY, causin' his parunts to regret
they hadn't prenticed him in his early
youth to biskit baker, or some other
occupation of peaceful and quiet char
aeter. say, therefore, to the great men
now livin (you could put EN- all into
Hyde Park, by the way, and still leave
room for large and respectable con-
course of rioters)-be good. | say to that
gifted but baldheded Prooshun, Bis
marck, be good and gentle in your hour
OF trump | always am. l admit that
our lines is different, Bismarck's and
mine; but the same glo' rus principle is
involved. | am exhibitor Of siartlin
curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry
{" either of whom as American
statesman, whose name amt at
liberty to mention for perlitical
resins, as he expecks to be a candidate
for prom nent offise, and hence doesn't
wish to excite the rage and jelisy of
other showmen-" either of whom is
wurth bubble the price of admission
/ say / am a exhibitor of startlin curl-
ositys, and / also have my hours Of tri-
ump, but try to be good in EN-. If
you say, All, yes, but also your hours
Of grief and misfortin;" | answer, it is
troo, and you prob ly refer to the eircum-
stans of my hirin' a young man of dissy-
pated habits to fix hisself up as a real
cannibal from New Iceland, and when l
was simply tellin the audience that he
was the most ferocious cannibal of his
tribe, and that alone and unassisted, he
had ct sev'ril of our fellow-countrymen,
and that he had at one time even con-
templated eatin' his uncle Thomas on
his mothers side, as well as other near
and dear relatives-when / was maxim
these simple statements, the mis- bic
young man said / was lyer, and knockt
me Of the platform. Not quite satisfied