The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1866-09-27
ARTEMUs WARD IN LONDON.
HIS second Contribution to Punch.y y

'ouse over two weeks, yit be hasn't made no at
temptto scalp any member of my family. He
hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furniture OF
any kind. (Hear, hear.) lind can trust him
with hted candles. He eats his wlttles with a
knife and FORK Peple OF this kind should be
encu1Tidged. purpose rs ,elth !" cloud 'plaws.)
What could do but modeetly git no and ex-
press q fervint hope that the Atlantic cable
would bind the two countries still more closely
together? The landlord said my speech was full
OF originality, but his idee was the old stage
coach was more safer, and he thot peple would
indors that opnyin in doc time.
Pm gettn on exceedin' we'll in London. /
see now, however, that | made mistake In
Ordelin' my close afore / left home. The troo,h
is the taller in our little village owed me for
pig and didn't see any other way OF getJin' nav
pay. Ten years ago these close would no doubt
have been fash,n'ble, and perhaps they would
be ekally similar ten years hens. But nov
they're differently. The taller said he know'd
they was all right, because he had brother in
Wales who kept him informed aoOut London
tashns regular. This was lnfamus falshood.
But as the ballud says (Which l heard
gen1man in a new SCOT of black close and white
Kid gloves sing t'other nieht), Never don't let
us Despse Man because he wears Raggid
Coat ] don't know as we do, by the way, tho
we centrally get out OF his way pretty rapid;
pro6ly on account of the pity which tears our
boosums for his unhappy condition.
This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin
thrust at them blotid peple who live in gildid
saloons. | tho't I'd explain my meauin' to you.
! irekently have to explain the meanin' of my
remarks. | know one man-and he's man of
varid complishments-wh often reads my arti-
cles over 20 times atore he can make anything of
'em at all. Our skoolmaster TO home says this
is a pecoolerarity OF geneyus. My wife says 1t
is pecoolerarity OF internal nonseus. She's
eXceedin' practical woman. luv her muchly,
however, and humer her little WAYS. It's a
recklis talshood that she henpecks me, and the
young man in our naberhood who said to me
one evenin', as | was miste ain' my diatram with
a genlle cocktail at the vllige tavurn-who said
fhoCo 1a,n No old
man, onless you desires 10 have another teapot
throWd at you by b. j., probly regrets havin'
said SO. L said, BETSY Jane is my wife's front
name, gentle, yooth, and | permits no per.
son to alood to her as B. j. outside of
the family circle, OF which / am it principally
myself. Your other observations | scOrn
and disgust and l must polish you off," He
was aple. bodied young man, and, remoovin'
to powder? / said, Yes; If there was powder
grindist handy, nothin would ford me greater
pleasure, when he struck me painful blow into
my right eye, causin' me to make arapld retreat
into the fireplace, l hadn't no idee that the
| enemy was so well organized. But rallied and
| went for him, in a rayther vigris stile for my
| tine OF life. His parunts lived near by and
| will simply state fifteen minits had only elapst
| after the first act, when he was carried home on
| a shutter. His mama met the sollum procession
at the door, and after keerfully looking her
or1spring over, she SAID, My son, l see how it is
distinctual!y. You've been tooln' round q
| Thrashin Masheen. You went in at the place
where they put the gram in, cum out with the
| straw, and you got up into the thingamyjig, and
| let the horses tired on you, didn't you, my son |?
| The pen OF no livin 0rLhur could describe that
| diefornH young mans stttywati0u moro clearer.
But was sorry TOR him, and went and nussed
him till he got well. His reglar original father
| beng absent to the war, told him I'd be a
| tather to HIM myself. He smilt a sickly smile,
and said I'd already been wuss than two fathers
| to him.
| will here obsarve that fitin orter be allus
| avided, excep in eXtreem cases. My principle
| is, il a man smites me on the right cheek I'll
turn my left to him, prob'ly; but if he insin-
COATES that my gran'mOther wasn't all right, I'll
| punch his he'd. But fitin is misble bisniss,
| centrally speakin, and whenever any enterprisin
| country man of mine Gums over here to scoop up
a Briton in the prize ring Pm allus excessively
| tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it
| is a sad tack has thus far been the case-mv
only sorrer bein' that tother feller wasn't
scooped likewise. It's differently with sculin
| boats, which is manly sport and can only
| explain Mr.. Hamil's resunt defeat IN this
country on the ground that he wasn't used to
| British water. hope this explanation will be
entirely satisfactory to all.
AS remarked afore, I'm gettin' on well. I'm
| aware that Pm in the great metropolis of the
world, and 1t doesn't make me unhappy to admit
| the tack. man is a ass who dispoots it, That's
| all that ails him. l know there Is sum peple
| who cum over here and snap and snarl bout
| this and that; know one man who says 1t is a
shame and disgrace that st. Paul's Church isn't
| older edi6ss; he says it should be years and
| even ages older than 1t is; but decline to hold
my self responsible for the conduck of this idyit
simply becaus he's my countryman. l s'pose
| every civ'lised land is endowed with its full
| share of g1bberln' idyits, and it cant he helpt-
leastways can't think of any effectooal plan of
| helpin' it.
I'm little sorry you've got politics over here,
| but shall not diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear
me to peaces with wild omnibus hosses, and
| won't diskuss 'em. I've had quite enuf of em
| at hCme, thank you. i was at Birmingham
t'other night and went to the great meeJn for
a few mnits. hadn't been in the hall long
! when a stern-looking artisan said TO me,
'You ar IRON Walesp
No, told him didn't think was. A hidgyis
tho't fasht over me. 1t was OF that onprincIpled
taller, and l said, "Has my clothn' Wechy
appearance
,''Not by no MEANS" he answered, and then he
said, And what is your opinyin of the present
cIisisp
l said, u don't zackly know. Have you got
1t very bad"
He replied, 'Sir, it is sweepin' over England
like the Cymoon of the Desertln
''Wall," )" said, 'let it sweepl"
He ceased me by the arm and said, LET lis
glance at hstry 1t is now some two thousand
years.
as it, indeed?" replied.
"Listinl" he fiercely cried; ''it Is only little
over two thousand years since"
'Oh, bother!" / remarkt, ''let us go out and
git some beer"
III not move from this spot till l can vote. WnC
are your
| handed him my card, which, in addition tc
my name, contains q elabrit description of my
". "Now, sir" proudly said, you know
me.n
Il sollumly swear" he sternly replied, 'that
never heard OF yoH, or your show, in my life y
'And this man. cried bitterly, "calls his
self intelligent man, and thinks he orter be
allowed to vote What holler mockeryW
|