The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1866-06-21
Natural History ofthe Newspaper Reporter

Natural History Ofthe Newspaper Reporter
THE NEWSPAPER REPORTER Is an inspector OF
society, a terror to the neutrality-suspicious.
hated and yet courted by politicians aud public
men, feared by delinquent officials, and despised
by none but his fellows.
Reporters are reducibe into many classes, the
principal of which are Matter-ofFact Reporters
Imaginative Reporters IllteIate Reporters, and
Pedantc Reporters.
The MATTER-oF-FACT REPORTER Is a hard
working drudge, who is of immense service to
the public, but who is held in little estimation,
because his reports are not spicy nor garnlshed
with exaggerations or high colOr.ng of tame
truths. The NJ. of F. r. is very Industrious
and his chief ambition seems to be to say the
most in the fewest words possible. Conse-
Quenty you discover all that he knows of an
occurrence In a paragraph OF half dozen lines,
while some of his brethren would have COM
PEELED you to wander over a dreary waste of
dirty and blurred print, occupying as many
columns, before you could get the desired inior
nation. Yet the stupid9public, who, like chill
dren, regard those most who put them TO most
trouble, think but little of the reporter who
offers the grains of wheat in handful, and
values him who forces them to hunt for the par
tices through a world OF verbiage-chaf. The
M. of f. r. takes special delight in being in the
way OF danger. II he knows OF a rickety house,
or a steamboat blessed with defective boiler,
or q careless engineer, or an lll-conducted pow
der mill, ne will stand gazing at it whenever
opportunity occurs take out his pencil and
sharpen 1t, and drawing out his notebook, COM
mence to write Horrible Accident He will
then pause little to give the house a chance to
fall, or the steamboat to collapse, or the powder
mill to be distributed To the elements: but
everything remaining calm and serene he will
after uttering an Intellectual prayer to his patron
Mercury, or an equally useless imprecaton on
his luck" turn away with a sigh, to follow a
drunken sailor who he is sure IS going to fall
into the river or (what is as dangerous) into the
hands OF the police.
The NJ. OF +. r. looks on incidents in rather a
peculiar but thorough business manner, which
sometimes gains him the reputation of being
selfish aud CalOus. He has been kno wn to run
three miles of a hot day, notebook In hand, by
the side of a mad dog, not with the benevolent
intention of curtalllng the CANNES career, but
merely that he might be able to chronicle the
cases of dogbite, and harrow the public with
anlicipations OF hydTophobla. So if a man is
drowning, the NJ. OF f. r. does not think it in
cumbent on him to help the individual in diff
culties, but merely to walt patiently till the
close of the catastrophe, make lew notes.
alarm the police, attend the coroner's inquest
and then rush TO the paper with the items. A
fireman who bad tallen with part OF wall into
a small imitation of the Intervals, cast his eyes
upward from his worse than hons den for some
one 10 rescue him from an excruciating death.
Seeing man locking down at him, he naturally
beloved, ''Why the - don't you help teller
upp The man turned down the collar OF his
coat, unbuttoned it slowly, and throwing it
open. revealed badge, saying, "l'm reporter,
and ! want to know how you feel. Do you
you much inc0nvenenced ~ The fireman cried,
Throw rope, or sumthin', or I'll choke" The
reporter crossed legs, and arranging piece OF
paper on his knees, wrote the initial "F" for
''tatal accident" Just then somebody came
with q rope and assisted the fireman out OF h is
predicament, who, whenever he was in safety,
emptied Vals OF verbal wrath on the reporters
head; but the latter answered not again, but
smilingly altered the 'E"' to an IN and after
writing marrow Escape" went on his way a
sad and disappointed man, but hoping for better
luck next time.
The NJ. oil F.. r. sometimes becomes a steno.
graphist or phonographist; in which case he is
the terror OF public speakers, for he writes down
and caleully extends all the errors IN grammar
and reduudancies and repetltioIs OF which most
speakers are guilty. This causes hdgety speakers
TO visit the newspaper offices next day, in high
state OF evaporation, and stuffed like cartridge
with explosive material, ready to burst, torpe
like, at sight OF the editor. why did you man
gle my beauti ul speech in your vile sheetW is
the first intention of the orator to demand. But
he knows that outburst would ruin him, so be
modiies it into:-"The young man who reported
my speech last night made some triAing errors
that ! would like corrected, II possible" The
NJ. of +. Il. is then called on, and he is ready tC
take oath on the correctness OF his notes. Then
if the orator knows his business, he will subsidt
and APOLOGIZE, and lay down an where the M
OF +. R. may chance to see tat the same tim'
remarking that in the hasIe and excitement o
speaking errors Will occur which an accommo
dating reporter should correct. The M. OF f. R
haoits of conciseness and patient industry dt
good service to their owner.
THE IMAGINATIVE REPORTER has soul above
items, and a conscience guilte>s OF writing tn
truth. He is gifted with what is considered
requisite tor liars, a good memory; whicl
enables him to ornament the most common
occurrence with flowers oI speech and poetca
extracts from the most oombastlc authors. II
can wander through ream Of paper withou
conveying any definite impression to the min'
except that the writer is trying TO saw some
thing which is not yet apparent. Bat give hin
a good subject, and the /. r. is in his glory
The burning OF q shanty in asunken lot remind
him OF Pompei Vesuvius, Herculaneum, tn
grand and final conAagration; and If an organ
grinder ls churning out tunes in some adiacen
street Nero and mis- mCendiary fiddle are lugge
in. stale sausage will furnish hlm with mate
rial for column of stomach-revolting stu
about the danger OF poisonous food, and he
ready TO invent new disease and give il
name of laundering sound, with alarming symI
toms and fearful diagnoses The ]. h. seldoI
witnesses the occurrences concerning which h
weaVes his yarn. His total knowledge Of th
wedding which he writes OF in a style 70 max
all outside and inside Of the fashionable worl
wonder, the one at the riches displayed, u
other at the richness Of the description ~ d