Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1866-09-27
ArteIaus ward i'm london.

WHICH IL mas De0u ITOOlJ oUoSIfoN " "
statesman, or somebody, is the foundation
stone onto which a nations greatness rests
glorious Commerce was Uncle Wilylm 8
fort. He sold soap. 1t slnelt pretty, anu an,
redily commanded two penis cake. 1 II
the only litrary man in our family. II as 10
troo, i once had dear cuzzen VINO wrose ~
versis onto ga Child who nearly d.eo VI the
Measles, D." but as he inJoodiclously IN
troinced a chorius At the end of each stanzy,
the parents didn't like II at al. Incl ther
in particlar, wept afresh, assaulted my cuz-
zen Fand said he never felt so ridicklus In
his intire life. The unhappy result was
that nv cuzzeri abandind poetry forever,
and went back to shoemakin, a shattered
man.
My-Unele Wilyim disposed of his soap
and returned to his nativ land with very
excited opinyin of the British public. /" 1t
is edycated community" said he; they
are intellectual people. In one small
village alone sold 90 cakes Of soap, in
cloodin barronial halls, where they offered
me ducal coronet, but said no-give it to
the poor" This was the way Uncle Wilyim
went on. He told US, however, some stories
that was rather too much to be easily swal-
lerd. In fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not
emblem of trooth. He retired some years
ago On hansum COMPETENCY derived from
the insurance money he received on rath-
er shaky skooncr he owned, and which
burned up while lynn at wharf one night,
the cargo hayin fortnitly been removed the
day afore the disastriss calamity occurd.
Uncle Wilyim said it was one Of the most
sing'ler things he ever heard of; and,
after epllectin the insurance money, he bust
into flood Of tears, and retired to his farm
in Rennsylrany. He was my uncle by mar
riage only. L, do not say that he wasn't a
honest man. simply say that if you have
uncle and bitter experience tells you 1t Is
II ore profitable, in pecoonery pint Of view
to put pewter spoons instid of silver ones
ontosthestable when that uncle dimes with
you in frenzy way--I simply say, there is
sumtbin' wrong in our social systlm, which
calls loudly for reform.
/ rived on these shores at Liverpool, and
proceeded at once to London. l stopt at
the Washington Hotel in Liverpool, because
it was named in honor of countryman Of
mine who didn't get his living by making
mistakes, and whose mem'ry is dear to civ
ilized peple all over the world, because he
was gentle and good as well as trooly great.
We read in Histry of any number Of great
indiyidools, but how few of 'em, alars
should we want to take home to supper with
US? Among others, would call your atten-
ton to Alexander the Grea', who conkerd
the world, and wept because he couldn't do
it sum more and then took to gin-a ndselt-
ger, gettin' tight every day afore dinner
with the most disgusting regularity,
causin' his parunts to regret they hadn't
'prenticed him in his early youth to biskit
baker, or some occupation Of peaceful
and quiet character. | say, therefore, to
the great men now livin' (you could put 'em
into Hyde Park, by the way, and still leave
room for large and respectable concourse
of rioters) -be good. Isay to that gifted
but bald -heded Prooshan, Bismarck, be
good and gentel in yoor hour Of triumph.
l always am. l admit that our lines is
different -Bismarck's and mine-but the
same glorious principle is involved. I am
q exhibitor of startlin curiostys, wax works,
snaix, etsetry, {" either of whom" as
American statesman whose name | amt at
liberty to mention for political reins, as he
expecks to be candidate for prom nent
offiss, and hence doesn't wish to excite the
rage and ijelisy of other showmen--" either
of whom is wuth bubble the price Of ad-
mission"); [ say | am exhibitor of
startlin' curiositys, and l have also had my
hours of triumph, but try to be good in
'em. If you say, "Ah, yes, but also your
hours of grief and misfortin' )" [ answer,
it is troo, and you prob'ly refer to the cir
cumstsns of my hirin a young man of
dissypated habits to fix hisself up as A real
Cannibal from New Zeelan, and when was
simply tellin' the aujience that he was the
most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, and
that, alone and unassisted, he had ct sev'ril
of our fellow-countrymen, and that he had
at one time even contemplated eatin his
Uncle Thomas on his mothers side, as well
as other near and dear relatives-when l
was maxim these simple statements, the
mis- BILE young man said | was 1yar, and
knockt me Off the platform. Not quite
satisfied with this, he cum and trod hevily
on me, and as he was very musculer per-
son, and wore remarkably thick boots,
knew at once that canary bird wasn't
Walkin' over me.
l admit that my ambition over slept her.
self in this instuns, and I've been very care
full ever since to deal square with the pub
lie. If was the public l should insist on
squareness, tho shouldn't do as a portion
Of my audience did on the occasion jest
mentioned, which they was emplyed in sum
naberin' coal mines.
GAS you hain't got no more Cannibals,
to show us old man." sale one Of 'em,-who
seemed to be kind of leader among them
'em,-a tall dis'greeble skoundril-"a as you
seem to be out of Cannibals, we'll sorter
look round here and fix things. Them wax
figgers of yours want washin'. There's Ma
poleon Donaparte and julius C@sar-they
must heve BATH" with which coarse and
brutal remark he initiated the shrill war
hoop of the western savage, and, assisted
by his infsmus coal heavin compauyins, he
threw all my wax work into the river, and
let my wild bears loose to pray on a peace
full and inoffensive agricultural community.
Leavin Liverpool Q'm goin' back there,
the-I want to see the Docks, which heard
spoken of at least once while was therel /
cum to London in LIST class car, passin'
the time very agreeable in discussin', with
a countryman of mine, the celebrated
Schleswig- H olstein question, We took that
interesting question up and carefully traced
it from the time it commenced being so,
dowuto the present day, when my country
man, at the close of the four hours amy
mated debate, said he didn't know anything
about it himself, and wanted to know if
did. | told him that | didn't He's at Rams
gate now, and am to write him when feel
like givin him two days in which to discuss
the question of negro slavery in America.
But now 90 MOI feel like it.
London at last, and I'm stoppin at the
Greenlion tavern. like the landlord very
much indeed. He has fallen into few
trifiin errors in regard to America-he was
under the impression, fer instance, that We
ct hay over there, and had horns GROWN
out of the back part of our heads-but his