The Van Buren press., 1866-09-21
BudErt Of Stiss6riigS.
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Budgrt Of StisstfiRgS.
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"A few nights since Ton Jones went
home to his wife in rather disguised con-
dtion. He had drank SO often for the sue.
cess of the pbiladelphis Convention. chat
he was compelled TO remove the smeli OF
whiskey. While undressing. has wife do-
tected the psHqnet toi tha spieS, and said :;
GOOD graciohs. Ton, how dreadful you
smell Of cloves" tc,
Eh r. said T9%p' '%'p''HiRs' % ms
,"Yes. cloves any one would think
you had been cmbalmed Ike a mummy. =
This made his wits go vogl,gatherlng.
"Phew yoc are regularly scented With
them Where have you been tonight 2
continued the WIFE )
Tom was thrown entirely OF his guard
his brain rambled. ami without the remot-
est idea of what he was saying, replied
W.h-y-hie-Clara. the fact is, I've
been on little trip to the East Indies, and
while,there fell over spicebox." "-,T 81.
Then she knew what was the matter
"A lover, who was sighted by the
females. very modestly asked young lady
:" if she would lie, him spcnd the evening
with her 90 Frn. tVr I~yr u-7
No" she angrily replied. +" that's what
won't" .c
why" replied he, "you needn't be
so iussy didn't mean this evening, but
some stormy one, when can't go any
where else" -" q
e--A bottled-noscd loafer went into
one Of our barber-shops. the other day and
aiiai being shaved. handed the proprietor
red cent, upon which he was informed
that the price OF shaving was a siSpence.
Loafer remarked very cool!y :: ts - \ u
"I know it, and that (pointing to The
cent only lacks five cents Of it you amt
going to stand for half dime o. ,..
An Irishman came to DR.. Russell
and said, "Arrah, Doctor, it's no use at
all 10 give me an emetic. l tried it twice
in Doobln, and it wouldn't stay on my
stomach, either time
-'ola Rev. Mr.. R. was one dav at.
tending the funeral Of one Of the members
OF his church, when, after praising the ma
ny virtues of the deceased, Returned to the
bereaved husband and said My beloved
brother. You have been called upon to part
with one of the loveliest wives
Up jumped the sorrow.stricken hus
band interrupting the fearful minister by
sorrowIully saying Oh, no, Brother r.,
no: the best but about middling, about
middling, Brother 3.
q During the recent session Of the Teach.
er's Institute, in Rutland county, while
Professor Adams was endeavoring to illus
trate the manner Of teaching arithmetic, he
took up small globe standing on the desk,
and asked: :" How many units in the
globe? ~,
One" was the reply.
(Isking up his hat y" Eow many units
IN my hat ~ Tat
:" Shake it and see." replied a naughty
boy. The Professor was taken down.
-" johnny, how many cakes did
you ha ve on Christmas. day ," Give :;
first a sponge cake, then an almond cake,
then Gu, rantcake, then a sweet cake then
. sioma-ca,9 J!
J---A Gentleman sent his servant up
to his room fo," a pair of boots, and at the
same time told him to be sure aud get
mates. as there were two pairs together in
the closet. Patrick returned with two
boots, but odd ones: a...aI1 4
"Why, didn't You see that these boots.
are not alike One is a leng top, and the
other is short one.' said the gentleman,
out of patience with the fellow.
Bedad, your honor said Pat, =" and
it is thrue for ye, but thin Che other pair
was just so too." f.r-.--s /
-" Pa, has the world got tail ?" as.
ked an urchin Of his father a.; .,fo.f, !
No, child" replied the old one, impa.
tiently. !" how could it have one, wheL it
is round p ff |
Well" persisted the heir, why do
the papers say, SO wags the would, if it
amt got no tail to owag?' eSs
"Your ma wants you," replied the non,
plussed daddy. fte
s-" Teddy, my boy, jist guess how
many cheeses there are in this ere bag, and
faith, I'll give you the whole fve.' :" Five
TO be sure" Arrah, by my soul bad
luck to the man that tould YER
An old woman, on visit to her
city daughter, saw, for the first time. IVA
terfall: I
,o. :" What do you call THAT great big stuff. |
Cd bag, Mary?''
i" Why, that's waterfall. ma"
-" a waterfall! Looks more like land |
slide."
" Old maids are fond Of pairs, but
cannot endure any reference to dates.
- A cobblerin Sacramento. writes to
his friend in Boston, that by recent fire
he lost his awl! We hope it wasn't his
last. r'