Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1866-07-19
FUN. FACTS AND FAOETIE.

THE lawyers motto-be brief The doc
tors motto--be patient The potter's--be ware.
The type-setters-be composed.
An English paper observes "If some of
the speeches of our statesmen do not reach down
to posterity it will not be because they are not
long enough" The same remark is applicable
here.
A Portland steamer was found to be 60
ing astray on a recent trip from Boston, owing 10
deviations of her compass. The deviation, it was
also found, was caused by the steel hoop skirt of
young lady who was in the pilot house, and on
her retiring the compass resumed its proper posi-
ton.
WHEN the brave Corporal Cathines was
asked, after the battle of Waterloo, if he was not
afraid, he replied, afraid why was in a the
battles of the Peninsula !" And having it explain
ed that the question related to fear of losing the
day INA, ma did ma fear that. l was only
afraid we should be a killed before We had time to
win it"
4 story is told Of the revenge taken by
Nantucket ship-master against a United States
Consul, who was very rarely found III his office,
although upon his sign were these words, in
from ten to one" the indignant captain after try
ing to find the consul several days without
cess, took paint brush and altered the officials
sign, that it read, Ten to one that he is not in
A VERY volatile young lord, whose faults
were numberless, at last married "Now, my
lord said his wife, g hope you'll mend" Mad
am, said he, 90 this is my last folly"
q think have seen you before, sir
are you not Owen Smith ?" ''Oh, yes l am OWN
Jones, and OWN, Brown, and OWN everybody"
WHAT does a telegraph operator do when
he receives the heads OF importantnews Waits for
de tails of course.
"Ah, Mr. Simpkins, we have not chairs
enough for company" said gay wife to her fru
gal husband. ''Plenty of chairs, my dear, but
little too much company" said he.
"WHcH, my dear lady, do you think the
merriest place in the world? ?"
That Immediately above the atmosphere that
surrounds the earth, should think
''And why so 2"
Because l am told that there all bodies lose
their gravity.
The following definition of the rights of
women, is given in a Vermont paper: ITO love
her lord with all her heart and her baby as her
sef-andt to make good bread"
A Western paper strikes the name of two
subscribers from its list because they recently
hung The publisher says he compelled to
be severe because he did not know their present
address.
A countryman who was charged with
ten gallons of whisky, which grocerput i'll a eight
gallon keg said he "didn't mind the money over
charged, so much as he did the strain on the keg"
JUDY Bralegan; having been requested to
open some oysters, after knocking them about for
some time exclaimed Upon my conscience, but
they are mighty hard ia peel!"
"IF | want statute Of myself why should
I be so foolish to present sculptor with the mar
BILE for the work Because if did, he would be
sure to chizel me out of it !"
| A subscriber writes to western editor ::
Il don't want your paper any longer. To which
! the editor replies II would not make it any lon
ger if YOU did its present length suits me very
| we'll"
A French writer, in describing the ira
ding powers of the genuine Yankee, said IF he
was east away ON desolate island, he'd get up the
next morning and go around selling maps to the
| inhabitants"
AN ingenious housekeepor that we have
heard of, used to sweep her chimney by letting
rope down, which was fastened round the legs Of
a goose, and then pulling the goose after it,
A fashionable but ignorant lady ,desirous
of purchasing q watch shown a very beautiful
one the shopkeeper remarked that it went thirty
six hours, ''What, in one day." she asked.