The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1866-11-13
FACETIE.

A money hunter being about to marry
a fortune, q friend asked him how long
the honeymoon would last. Don't
tell me about the honeymoon" he re-
piled, "It's the harvest moon with me-"
The Paris Cham pays his respects to
cashiers as follows :-"An applicant pre-
sents himself at bankers. 4 have
been cashier in America Very well.
you ran away with the cash box and
consequently you cannot return there.
1t is a safeguard and ! will employ
your
"Is there any person you would par
ticularly wish me to marryi said q
widow expectant to her dying spouse,
who had been somewhat of o tyrant in
his day. Marry the devil; ifyou like"
was the gruff reply. "0h no, my dear,
you know it is not lawful to marry two
brothers, !
Jerrold had favorite dog that fol-
lowed him everywhere. One day, in
the country lady who was passing
turned around and said audibly,
''What an ugly little brute" whereupon
Jerold, addressing the lady, replied,
Madam, l wonder what he thinks
about us ut this moment n
A young lady, only the other day,
asked me what is your favorite flow
eri" As she was fashionable lady, /
supposed, of course, she referred to
household matters, and inuOcently an
swered, extra family For some rea-
son or other, all the females in the room
set up the endless giggle they are so IA
nous for.
In chemistry, the best way to sepa-
rate two bodies is to introduce a third.
The same holds good in other depart
ments-to increase the distance between
q pair of lovers, all that's required is to
let little Willie walk into the "back
parlor" with a lighted candle in his
hand.
A gentleman who takes a business
view ofmost things, when recently asked
respecting person of quite poetic
temperament, replied: "0h, he is one
Of those men who have soarings after
the infinite and divings after the un-
fathomable, but who never pays cash."
SHAKEspEARE's COMEDIES" All's
W ell that ends WELL" as the gentleman
said when he wrote the postscript to
his letter.
Measure for measure as the chem
ist said when he took bad sixpence
for black draught.
GAS you like it," as the servant girl
said when she drank her masters grog.
"A winters tale" as the church war
den said when the pauper asked for
some Goals.
A very devout and pious deacon who
sold coal, told his servant girl in early
fall to hang wet dishcloth out of the
window, and tho first morning she
found it frozen to report to him. A
swapping October morning, the cloth
was fonnd frozen; the girl entered the
breakfast room and reported to the
deacon, who was just ready to enter in
to his family devotions; he immediate
ly replied, raising his eyes skyward,
Lord help the poor! | must rise on
coal to-day. Let us pray"
A Western paper recently contained
this strange announcement: "The grass
hoppers have destroyed every green
thing in Deer Lodge Valley, except the
grass and widows" The reader is left
to determine whether ar substituted
for 3D." in the last word, or hyphen in
the place of "and," would make the best
sense.
Little Frapk-"Great Cesar, mother,
what a big applet"
Mother-"It's wicked, Frankey, to say
Great Cesar. I've often reproved you
for using this bad word, which you have
learned from the boys in the street, but
you keep on repeating it. Now tell
you what l will do. will give you five
cents not to say Great Cesar any more"
"It's q bargain, MOTHER" cried the
little four-year-old, and the money was
paid.
Two OF three days afterward, little
Frank came running into the house from
his play on the street, his eyes glisten-
ing and his cheeks red with excitement;
"Mother, mother, Pve learned new
word from the boys. It's Great Peter
Give me five cents more, and Pll quit
saying that too"
A COOP EXCUSE FOR DRINKrNG.-A
lady made her husband present of
silver cup with an angel in the bottom;
and when she filed it for him, he used
to drink it to the bottom, and she asked
him why he drank every drop. "Be-
cause, duckey," he said, II long to see
the dear little angel" Upon which she
had the angel taken out, and had
devil engraved at the bottom and he
drank it off just the same, and she again
asked the reason. why" replied he,
because l won't leave the old devil a
drop"
"There are three kinds Of men in the
world,-the Wills, the Won'ts, and the
Can'ts.' The first effect everything, the
others oppose everything. Il will
builds our railroads and steamboats,. Il
won't don't believe in experiments and
nonsense; while Il can't grows weeds
for wheat, and commonly ends his days
in the slow digestion of bankruptcy"
+. Maryland.