Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1866-07-14
COUSIN SALLY DILLARD.
BY HAMILTON C. JONES.

SCFNE-1A court ofjustice in South Car
A beardless disciple of Themis rises and
thus addresses the court: ''May it please
your worship, and you, gentlemen of the
jury, since it has been my fortune good or
bad l will not say to exercise myself in
legal disquisition, it has never befallen me
to be obliged to prosecute SO direfully
marked an assault. A more wilhuL, vio-
lent and dangerous battery, and finally
more diabolical breach of the peace,o has
seldom happened in a civilized country,
aud i dare say 1t seldom has been your
duty to pass upon one so shocking to be-
nevolent feelings, as this which took place
over at Captain Rice's in this county; but
you will hear from the Witnesses
The witnesses being sworn, two or three
were examined and deposed: One said
that he heard the noise but did not see the
fight; another that he saw the row, but did
not know who struck first; another that he
was very drunk and couldn,t say much
aboutthe skrimmage. sBHA eSDLSA
Lawyer Gh0ps-I am sorry gentlemen,
to have occupied your time with the stupid
ity of the witnesses examined, It tarises,
gentlemen, altogether from a misappre-
hensiop on my part. Bad i known as do,
that l had a witness who was acquainted
with all the circumstances Of the case, and
who was able to make himself clearly I'M
derstood to the court and jury, should
not have .trespassed so long on your pa
thence. Come forward, Mr., Harris, and be |
sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fat, |
chutiy old man, a '1eetle" c0rned, and took |
his oath with an air. so Ws ~
Chops-Harris, we wish you to tellabou |
the riot that happened the other day at
Captain Rice's, and as good deal of time
has already been wasted in circumlocution,
we wish You to be compendious, at the
same time as explicit as pOssibleI 4
Harris-Adzakly, (giviDg the lawyer q
knowing wink, at the same time clearing
his throat). Captain Rice he gin treat,
and cousin Sally billiard she come over to
our house, and axed me If my wife she
moutn't go? / told cousin Sally billiard
that my wife was poorly, being as how she
had a touch OF rheumatics in the hip, and
the big swamp was up in the road, there
having been great deal Of rain lately;l
but hOwsOeVer as it was she, cousin Sally
billiard, my wife she mout go. Well
cousin Sally billiard then axed me if Nose
he moutn't go? l told cousin Sally Dill
lard that he was the foreman of the crap,
and the crap was smartly in the grass but,
howsoever, as 1t was she, cousin Sally Dill |
lard, Nose he mout Co.
ChOps--In the name of common sense,
Mr.. Harris, what do you mean by this rig
marole.
Witness-Captain Rice he gin treat
aud cousin Sally billiard she come over to
my house and asked me il my wire she
mputn't go? and | told cousin Sally Dill
lard "a rHf II
Chops-Stop, sir, If you please; we don't
want to heal. about your cousin Sally Dill
lard or your wife; tell us about the fight at
RiDe's. e Wy O. s vo Wal
WItness-WeH Twill, sir, If you win lett
Chops-WeH, sir, go on. q .u.fF101
Witness-Well, sir, Captain Rice he gin
q treat, and cousin Sally billiard she eomei
over to my house and asked me If my wife
she moutn't go.
ChOps-Here it is again. Witness, please
to stop.
Witness-well, sir, what do you want?
Ch0ps--We wanttO know about the fight
and you must not proceed in this imperTin-
ent story. Do you know anything about
the matter before the court? -sy
Witness-To be sure do. ~. ..',f |
Chops-Well, go on, then, and tell it, and
nothing else. s.....i 80 |
witness Well, Captain Rice he gin q
treat 4
Chops-This is intolerable May it please |
the court, move That the witness be COM
mitted for contempt. He seems to be tfi- |
fling with this court. g. H..s ft'is
Court Witness, you are before the court |
of justice, and unless you behave yourself |
in more becoming manner you will be
sc ntotO jail; SO begin and tell me what you
kn0wsab0uti the fight at Rice'sI 'fi "a
Witness--WeA, gentlemen, Captain Rice /
he gin treat, and cousin Sally DillardAd al
C0urt--fafter deliberating) Mr.. Attorney,
the court issofan opinion that we may save |
time By letting the witness 90 on in his
own way Proceed, Mr. Harris with yohf |
sto Il. but stick to the point. siaaAI
Witness-Yes, gentlemen. Well, Captain
Rice he gin treat and cousin Sally Dill
laTd come over to our house and axed me If
nv wife she moutn't go? told cousin
sally nlllaFd that my wifes was poorly,
belnq as how she had the rheumatics in her
hibe 1nti' the big swamp was up; h0wsoeVer,
as ft Is she, cousin Sally billiard, my wife |
rhe' mont qo.5 Well cousin Sally billiard
ff11 nred me if'Mose he moutn't 90. u
fola cousin Sally billiard rs how Nose was
tka fofefnan of the crap, and the crap
rv ~ 4 emartly in the grass; but how
soevery as IL was she, cousin Sally Dill
Iarri' Nose mOut 60, 80 they goes on to-
refher. Nose, my wife and cousin Sals /
y I1ilIard, and they comes 10 the big
|.I a I tnllt n