Columbia democrat and star of the north. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1867, 1866-10-31
The Natural History of Brides

We have been favored with natural histo-
ries of man, of birds and beasts OF the
world, but no one has yet essayed the history
of that indispensable creature, the bride.
We propose in this article to attempt to
show how the vacuum caused by the short
comings of authors may be supplied by some
enterprising Bohemian.
A bride is the elimination of a mother S
anxiety and the commencement of a hus-
bands serious reflections. A mother looks
upon her daughter arrayed as a bride, as an
arrow shot from her household quiver at
that butt of female archery, man; and, it
| the arrow has made fair hit, is prone to
chuckle over the shot as showing forth her
superior matronly skill If, on the contrary
the success is doubtful, then the mother,
like bad archer, blames the arrow, the
luck, anything, indeed, but her own bad
management
Brides are divided into numerous classes.
For example: sentimental brides, who mar
ry for love- speculative brides who marry
for money anxious brides, who marry for
the sake of being married; accommodating
brides, who marry because their lovers asked
them to marry; unresisting brides, who
marry because their friends desire them to
marry inquisitive brides, who marry for
curiosity, and invalid brides, who marry to
restore their health.
Sentimental brides are the most numer-
Gus, but not the most happy of the orange
wreathed tribe. They are generally young
creatures, who revel in poetical dreams con-
nected with the wearer Of a love of nous
tache, or the possessor of a handsome nose,
or expressive eyes, or an animated dol, who
can make pretty little speeches, graceful
bows, or sing pretty little song. She takes
great pride unto herself because she married
Charlie for his own dear self, and not for
his surroundings-una that Il man S po-
sition irf society his, friends and even his
wealth or poverty /; as much part of him
self total as the curl of his hair, the song
he sings, the strut he affects, or even his
education She generally finds, when the
song is less brilliantly sung, the mustache
requires Christadora, the head wig, and
the poetical speeches are turned into matter
o.-fact imperatives, that the varnish is rub
bed off, the gloss removed, and Charlie is
not the man he used to be.
The money bride has made herself an ar
ticle of merchandise, and is to be valued
according to the price she obtains for her
self She belongs to every condition of So
ciety, from her who marries for social posi-
ton, horses and carriages, diamonds, houses
and bank account to the rkgirl who
marries one-room hone. AMI the privilege
Of only half-s;arvingon her husband ) weekly
pittance She genrally reaches the conclu-
sion that she has scld herself too cheap.
The health-seeking bride looks on the
marriage service as medical prescription
the parson as doctor, and the husband as
the 6olus administered for her ills-a blue
pill that must be swallowed, however nau-
seous. She knows that she is travelling on
the road to death, yet clinging to life, en-
deavors to throw her burden on her lord.
Flying from the embraces of the worm, she
is Compelled to accept those OF the brid--
groom. She merely prefers the marriage
chamber to the narrow house appointed Tor
all living. The honeymoon shines through
apothecary bottles, and the epithalmium is
coughed in wheezy periods.
The purchasing bride is generally an old
maid or widow, who, despairing of being
courted for her own sake, seeks husband
through the medium Of her pecuniary
charms. She generally lets every one know
after marriage, that she keeps the purse
strings in her own hands, and the young
man for this class generally succeeded in
obtaining young mcn-whom she had sue
ceeded in entrapping is highly and everlast-
ingly indebted to her The experience of
such is usually the conclusion that they have
paid too dearly for their whistle.
The husband desiring bride is, perhaps,
the most composed Of all brides, the least
enthusiastic, and the most likely to be hap
py. She marries because it is instinct with
her, not because she is particularly in love.
So she is not apt to be troubled with the
pangs of jealousy or to suffer from dlsap-
pointment, when she discovers that the
DFIuegTOOh II HOC ihuCH DctlSI Ih"h thS ~
erage of men after all. She goes through
the days of courtship as matter Of course
wonders at the whims and caprices of senii-
mental girls; receives and accepts the offer
of marriage as matter of course dons the
bridal attire, and goes through the whole
orlnula of wedding, ceremonies, and un-
ceremonies, as a matter of course; per
forms all the duties, and submits to all the
little vexations of married life as a matter
Of course lives serene, orderly and quiet
life, and dies respected and regretted by all
who knew her, as matter of course.
We give the above few cases as sample.