davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

Mrs. PARTINGToN PUZZLED. "a lot Of
copper ore in pigs - said Mrs. Partington, as
her eye caught an account of some smelling OPP
erations; Il don't wonder they have the scrof-
say their lard is nothing but verdigrease, for
copper is very dilatorious and pigs is human "
Pigs aren't human, neither" said Ike, put
ting his oar in, "and it means pigs of copper. -
Mrs. Partington looked at him seriously a mo
ment. "Wel,' said she, IF pigs isn't hu-
man, some humans are more like pigs, and so
there is but little difference" She gazed from
the window moment, which Ike improved by
cutting a sled rope off Of the old lady's clothes
line
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11
SENsIRIE FREEDMEN.

SENSIBLE FREEDMEN.-A Georgia paper
contains the following significant advertisement.
1t proves that some freedmen are adapting
themselves to the new order of things in the
South:
Work Wanted-We have established shop
at Turnwold, where we are preparing to do all
and repairing included. We have not turned
fools because We are free, but know we have to
work for our living, and are determined to do
it. We mean to be sober, industrious, honest
and respectful to white folks-and SO we de-
pend on them to give us work.
WILLIAM & JIM.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

LARGE NosEs.-The epoch of the grand
Louis Quatorze, of France, was the epoch of
great men, great ideas, great things, because it
was the epoch of large noses. The epoch Of
the Regency on the contrary, was the epoch
of little men, little art, little everything, be-
cause it. was the epoch of little noses. All
great times, all great peoples, all great men
have been distinguished by long noses. The
nose is the rudder of the human frame, only
placed in front. With long, straight nose
one marches direct to his goal, without looking
to the right hand or to the left; but, with
short nose, OF squat nose, or nose turned
up, one advances by tacking in Eigzag line,
| Huttering to and fro like butterfly. This is
the reason why children, 0risettes and negroes
have no stability Of character; in fact have nc
character at all, but cry and sing without
cause, and just as chance directs them. AL
the generals of the Order of Jesuits have been
long -nosed to man. The order, indeed is
i only recruited from men with long noses. AL
founders Of empires and systems have been re-
markable for their long, straight nosesi such
as Alexander the Macedonian, Augustus Cae
sar, Napoleon, Aristotle, Moses, Mohammed
and Ignatius Loyola. Socrates, indeed, had
little to boast of in this respect, but his favor
| ite disciple, Plato, made up for this deficiency
and had nose enough for both.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

THE LARGEST FARM IN THE WORLD
There is some little discussion and argument
going on between the American and the for
c. w. Howard and Judge Shaffer, of Califor-
MIA, claim to have the largest dairy farm in the
world. Their farm is on the sea-coast, twenty
five miles west of San Francisco, and covers
seventy one thousand acres Mr.. Sullivant, of
Champaign county, Illinois, makes the boast
of possessing farm which "exceeds seventy
thousand acres, out of which twenty three
thousand are under plough" An English con-
temporary says, however -" This is not the
largest farm in the world. There are one or
two in Australia that are forty miles long by
thirty miles broad; but, of course, not so well
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11
WHOLE NO. COL
Inclined to be Quarrelsome.

There was once little slim-buil fellow, who
had plenty of money, riding along highway,
in the State of Georgia, when he overlook a
man driving drove Of hogs, by the help of
big, raw-boned six-foot-two specimen of hu-
manity. Stopping the last-named Individual,
he accosted him:
=" | say, are those your hogs?"
No, sir; | am at work by the month"
What pay might you be getting, friend?"
" Ten dollars month, and whiskey thrown
in" was the reply.
"Weil, look here I'm weak, little, inof-
fensive man, and people are apt to impose upon
me, dye see. Now, I'll give you twenty-five
dollars a month to ride along with me and pro-
tect me-" said Mr.. Gardner. but" he ad-
ded, as a thought struck him, chow might
you be on the fght?''
"Never been licked in my life, y rejoined the
six-footer.
"Just the man I want Is it bargain ?"
queried Gardner.
Six-footer ruminated:
Twenty five dollars, double wages, nothing
to do but ride around and smash fellows mug
occasionally, when he is sassy"
Six-footer accepted. They rode along, till,
just at night, they reached a village inn.-
Gardner Immediately singled out the biggest
fellow in the room, and picked fuss with him.
After considerable promiscuous jawing, Gard
HOI W HIS uSnlIllS 1lICu1s duO luUluldCeQ
that the whipping Of that man had become a
sad necessity. Six-footer peeled, went in and
came out first best.
The next night, at another hotel, the same
scene was re-enacted, Gardner getting into
row with the biggest man in the place, and SIX
foOter doing the fighting.
AT last on the third day, they came to fer
ry, kept by huge, double-fsted man, who
had never been licked in his life. While cros-
sing the river, Gardner, as usual, began to find
fault, and blow" The ferryman naturally
got mad, threw things round, and told him his
opinion of their kind. Gardner then turned to
his friend and gently broke the intelligence to
him, " that he was sorry, but it was absolutely
necessary to thrash the ferryman."
Six-footer nodded his head, but said nothing.
1t was plainly to be seen that he did not relish
the job, by the way he shrugged his shoulders;
but there was no help for it. So when they
reached the shore, both stripped, and at it they
went. Up and down the bank, over the sand,
into the water, they fought, scratched gouged,
bit and rolled, till at the end Of the hour the
ferryman gave in. Six-footer was triumphant,
but it had been rough work. Going up to his
employer, he scratched his head for moment,
and then broke forth:
Look here Mr. Gardner, your salary sets
mighty well butt m-of-- --the--opinion-
that you re inclined to be quarrelsome. Here
I've only been with you three days, and I've
licked the three biggest men in the country =
| think this firm had better dissolve; for you
see, Mr.. Gardner, L m afraid you re inclined to
be quarrelsome-and [ reckon I'll draw"
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

To KEEP EGGs.-The reason eggs decay is
that the atmosphere penetrates the pores ol
the SHE'LL evaporates the watery portions in
side, and decay begins. A remedy is to i'm
merse the eggs in boiling water for few sec
onds. 1t is easily done, for hundred eggs in
basket can be dipped at once into tub OF
boiling water. They are to be held in the wa
ter long enough to count twenty at fast rate.
The heat of the water congeals the surface Of
the albumen Immediately under the egg-shell
thus forming an air-tight coating, which pre-
vents evaporation and decay.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

DAMASCUS. Damascus is the oldest city in
the world. Tyre and Sidon have crumbled on
the shore; Baalbec is in ruins; Palmyra lies
buried in the sands of the desert; Nineyeh and
Babylon have disappeared from the shores of
the Tigris and Euphrates. Damascus remains
what it was before the days of Abraham-a
in % desert "a predestinated capital, with
martial and sacred associations extending be-
yond thirty centuries
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

CorroN PIcKING. The question of labor in
the Southern cotton fields is likely to be soon
solved. 1t is stated that cotton picking ma
chine has been invented in Massachusetts,, that
will perform the labor of twenty men. This
machine, its inventors report, will gather cot
tGH as l, clean as men can be expected to do it
to six feet, and will take the cotton only from
the ripened boils, leaving the undeveloped ones
uniDiured, and not harming the plant
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11
A Know NoTHING.-"W WHAT'S your name?'

AKNow-N -NOTHING.-"Whatis is your name?''
"Vel, | calls mineself Fred, but maybe So
l don't know-it is Yawcup You see, Chudge,
mine modder she have two little poys; one of
them vas me and one vas my broder, or one
vas my broder and t'other vas me, don't
know which; and | vas shust so old as my
broder vas young, or my broder vas shust as
old as me, don't know which, and mine mo-
der she don't; and one of us vas named Fred
and tOther Yawcup, or one named Yawcup
aud t other Fred, / don't know which, and one
of us got died-but mine moder, she never
could tell whether it vas me or mine broder yot
got died; so, Chudge, does not know whe-
ther | am Fred or Yawcup-and mine modder
she don't know, too
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

THE LATEST BATCH.-Whyis is convalescing
dyspeptic like reprieved criminal? Because
he can't digest yet.
Why is electricity like the police when they
are wanted? Because it is an invisible force
1t is said that sober man, when drunk,
feels the same as drunken man when sober.
ing? Because it is darning what is holy.
When a man is saddled with a bad wife,
there are sure to be stir-ups in the family.
Why is an author the most peculiar of ami
mals2 Because his tale comes out of his head.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

CURE FOR A Doc ADDICTED TO EGG STEAL
INd.-Take fresh egg, blow it after the man
ner of schoolboys; then fill it with mustard,
closing the hole with piece of postage stamp
paper If the dog is large one, and in the
habit Of catching, let him have it in that man
how he has been taken in. / found the above
perfect cure-and it was amusing to see how
sheepish my gentleman looked whenever you
held an egg up to him.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

ss JEFFERSON AND JOHN RANDoLPH.-Ran-
dolph being asked to play chess on one ocea-
sion, refused, and gave the following reason -
e / have not played chess for the last seventeen
years. the very sight Of the 6oarq ana men
game / played lost me personal friend forey-
en-. i was on the most intimate terms with
Mr.. Jefferson, as you may have heard, it being
now matter Of history, and | soon found oul
that politician and philosopher as he was, he
anything else. Very few could beat him, anc
at last he could not endure defeat Knowing
this, and feeling that was his match, l haC
always declined playing, as did not want Il
quarrel with him, until one unfortunate even
ing, when he touched my Virginia pride in 81
pointed a way, that could no longer refus,
with honor, and we sat down to the game. /
| was a warn contest. Greek met Greek. a
length cried check-mate;' and he never for
gave me afterwards. " ls,sga sa3 e. 2.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

1t viii be thought most ungallant when. we
mention that, as rule, men have finer
hair than women. In every square inch OF
scalp it is supposed that nearly 1000 hairs ex-
list, about 1906 in the whole head. 1t we
want to be more particular as to details, we
may assert that in blondes about l4o,Voo, IA y
brown 10000, in black 100000, and IN req 1i
haired folk $4,000 hairs exist. In the two lat,
ter instances, there is greater thickness oi
hair generally. .l. .. -a--| .a
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

When man and woman are made one by 3
clergyman, the question is, which is the one
Sometimes there is long struggle between
them before this matter is finally settled.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

On the occasion ola terrible shipwreck, when
all the efforts Of the captain and crew seemed
|unavailing to avert the coming fate, we recol-
lect an old lady going up to the skipper, wiring
ing her hands in desperation, and exclaiming,
"Qh, captain !, are we really y in such danger
in Providence nolo. "a "Good heavensl" was
the pious rejoinder, has % come 10 THARi''As
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

Young men who idolize young women always
long to be "joined to their idols.
When was beef the highest? When the
COW jumped over the moon. =
The artists adieu to his pictures: You be
hanged. SIS ltss 7ifsa ss.f @
Award of merit; Artemus. E, g
The green-eyed monster; Fenianism. j
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

An old man, seventy seven years Of age, o
county pauper, in Indianapolis, Ind, a e few
was the most RopHr bas ba axos
DbisLev and drank it, and he is now preach
;nn n his life. a more powerful sermon. to
dryu1nkards anu than he could ever preach verbally
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

A female canine, which had lost the whole
of her interesting family, was lately seen trying
to poke piece of Grape through the handle
of the door of one of the sausage shops in this
citv
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

A worthy man, when told that he was about
to die, said he was ''glad of it; he was tired
of putting his shoes and stockings ON and off. "
And this is about what life gets reduced to at
seventy.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

Prince Alfred will shortly be created peer,
under the title of the Duke of York. At pre-
sent he is not entitled to sit in the House Of
Lords.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

1t is said that Watchdog is not so large in
the morning as at night, because he is let out
at night, and taken in in the morning.
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

Ryoa would be known, and not know, veUe-
tate in village; if you would know and not
be khewn, live in a city. -
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

The BITTER Gun. How annoying to a tee
totaler to have bottle-nosel n
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

Can q temperance meeting be called collec-
ton Of water-spouts? =
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11
NE w STORE!

The undersigned would respectfully say to his for
mer customers, and the public generally, that he is
now receivsng and opening a New and Desirable
Stock of Goods Of all kinds usually kept in first
class country store consisting of. in part.
~ t-~ A SPLENDID LINE OF
Smyrna times., 1866-04-11

The green-eyed monster; fenianism.
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01
Death of Gen. Scott.

The papers of Wednesday last announced
the death of Lieut.-General Winfield Scott,
at the advanced age of so years. He died
on Tuesday last at IL o'clock A. NJ, at West
Point, on the Hudson river, New York.
Gen. Scott has been prominent man in the
country for half century, and has been
highly honored and respected for his emf
nent public services during and since the
war Of 1872. A faithful biography of the
General will be an interesting work, and
form an important chapter in our nations
history during the past fifty years. The
New York Times remarks that "for more
than half a century he has been among the
foremost men of the world, renowned as
we'll for his .eioquenee and address as for his
scientific attachments and personal worth"
Too old to take an active part in the great
struggle of the rebellion, it was joy to him
in his last days to know that the nations
cause was victorious, and her arms trium-
plant The hero now rests from his tolls.
and great nation blesses him for his patri-
otto labors, and will cherish his memory with
gratitude and respect
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01

County Convention.

AS but short time will elapse before the
County Convention at Fayetteville is to be
held, it is desirable that town conventions
for the choice of delegates be called early,
and all suitable measures taken to have
full representation from every town in the
county.
The next session of the legislature is to be
one of more than usual Importance, as two
United States Senators are to be elected,
and Windham county should have her
wisest and best men there to represent the
wishes and interests of the whole people of
the county. The men selected as candi-
dates for senators from the county should
be men of ability and experience in public
matters, who will have decided influence
in the Legislature and be credit to the
county, Can we do better than to send
again one or both of the men who have SO
ably and satisfactorily represented the coun-
ty in the senate for the two years past
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01

FACTS VS.. THEoREs.-"Gve me n place TO rest
my lever on" says Archmedes, land will move the
world" "Giye me pure and nnadultereted Drugs
says Medicus, of the Oden time "and will cure dis
ense."
In enc sense both Of these learned pundts were the
veriest charatans. They knew there WITS no place to
rest their lever on, either to the worl or cure
disease. Mechanism was in back ward state, and
the medical profession was but another name for So
ciety, and NIL the aduncts Of magic filters and charms
of the "eyii eye" sc.
But these latter days have borne unto Us something
more than even superstition and its ever dreamt
of in its madGest philosophy. In these days Of prae.
teal science, what was theory yesterday is fact to-day
and NIL the old time notions become bubbles in the
sun, and burst and break with every breath We draw
Let Archimedes shoulder his lever and we will find
resting phce for ii 10 move the world. Let mine
ancient Medicus pant and toll more for the drugs
he so sorey needs for we have them at our hand
ever ready to serve them nj his beck.
Refined in the labratory Of DR. Mageel, the finest
materials known In the medical profession ave obtnn-
able BY any His Bilious, Dyspeptlc, and Diarr-
hea Pills stand unrivaed, and his Save operates with
magic effect upon burns, scalds, and all sores and ul
GERS OF the skin.
In fact, we think MAGGIEL's Pills and Salve are the
wonder Of this century, and we hre happy In the
thought that Others of orr brethren OF the craft
agree with us. We would earnestly counsel that all
families provide themselves with Dr. Maggers Pre-
partitions Mt once, and keep them ready hand, n,
to use them Mt the most opporune time and as occa
sion serves Valley SeAtiHel
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01
The Panic.

The financial storm which burst over Eng
land with such fearful fury is one of those
periodic disasters which now and then visit
the financial world. In this case il was as
sudden as it was unexpected. A week be-
fore England, to all appearances, was at the
height of prosperity. For some time, in
deed speculation has been rife. The appar-
ent security tempted capitalists to launch
out in every kind of investment. Men who
a few years since were clerks, with an annu-
al salary of one or two hundred pounds,
have rapidly risen to wealth by fortunate
speculation. The success in one case stimu-
lated others, and thus the old story is re-
peated of over-trading, and then, at last, a
crash. The panic in London began by the
suspension of the great house of Overend,
Quincy q Co., having, it is said, liabilities
exceeding e12,000,000. AS soon as this was
known a profound sensation was created.
Men at once became alarmed. A rush was
made upon the banks. The securities they
held fell in value. Those who had money to
let chung to it. The bank of England i'm
mediately advanced its rate of interest. Sir
Morton Peto, Belts & Co., suspended. 9th
ers followed. The panic spread. In less
than twenty-four hours men who were es-
teemed rich were stript of all their possess
ions. So widespread was the evil that the
most eminent capitalists begged the govern
ment to give the Bank of England the as
surance of protection and sanction, lift went
beyond the law in its issues of notes. For
few days confidence was gone, and the
whole fabric of trade shook to its foundation
The CONSERVATION among depositors spread
from the city to the country. Crowds gath
cred around the banking houses, eager to
draw out their money. This is the favored
hour for only one class, the money-holder.
The Rothschilds, with their piles of solid
gold, can buy the best stocks almost''for a
song" or let their money at enormous rates
of interest. They keep calm eye on the
real value of their securities, and gather in
an additional harvest of gold.
This panic has a warning for us. Infia-
ted speculation will surely end in financial
ruin. Our safety consists in doing business
on a solid basis. Those who have small
means should avoid all tempting investments.
Such as promise great profits are generally
attended with commensurate risks To
those in the whirl of speculation nothing we
can say will probably avail but to our
readers in the country we would add word
of caution. Put not your small savings in
any of these speculative Investments
Christian Register.
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01

THE NEW CONNECTICUT SENATOR
Gen. Orris S. Ferry will enter the Senate at
the age of torty-lour. He was born in
Bethel, graduated at Yale College in 1874.
and two years after began the practice of
law in Norwalk, his present place of resi-
dence. He represented his district, the 18th,
in the state Senate for two years, in 1866,
and held the office ofstate attorney for Fair
field county during the three subsequent
years. He was also representative in Con-
gress from the fourth district for two years.
being defeated by copperhead on standing
for reelection. In June of 1861, Mr.. Fer
ry entered the army as colonel of the 9TH
Connecticut regiment, forming part of
Banks's corps in the Shenandoah valley. In
March, 1862, he received his commission as
brigadier-general, in which rank he served
until the close of the war. Mr.. Ferry has
been very active in the various campaigns,
taking the stump, upon which he has ac-
quired considerable celebrity as a speaker.
Hartford Cordnt
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01
DOings of the Baptist Convention.

BosToN. May 19.-The American Bap-
fist Home Missionary Society in convention
last night adopted a resolution instructing
the executive board of the society to con-
tinue their work among the freedmen with
every facility in their power, and to give
such religious instructions to colored preach
ers as might be deemed consistent with dis
erection.
The following officers were chosen for the
ensuing year. President j. NJ. White of
Cleveland, Ohio Vice Presidents, Hon. w
NJ. Mcpherson of St. Louis and Rev. Will
liam Bucknell of Philadelphia Treasurer,
Ebenezer caldwell of New York Audit
ors, William Phelps of New York and AL
bert p. Capwell esq, of Brooklyn; Cores
ponding Secretary, Rev. DR.. Backus ; Re
cording Secretary, Rev. DR.. HiscoX Man
ayers, ID. M. Wilson of Newark, N. j., Rev.
j. b. Thomas of Brooklyn, Rev. Howard
Osgood, Rev. Samuel Vernar and Rev. Ed
ward Lothrop, all of New York.
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1866-06-01
Ternl0mt fteMs.

The people Of Hydepark are adjoining the village
with shade trees.
The Methodists of the Vermont State Conference
rased $500 for missions, being gain of Sl155 on
the previous year.
Col. A. p. Blopn, sth VT, is Breyet Drgadier Gen
eral and I'd Lieut.. A. W. Fuller, Of the 10th w. /,
Captain, for morltJrions conduct ut the battle of Ce
dar Creek.
The people OF Montpelier are making mn effort ia
secure Newbury Seminary at the capital of the State
in case the location Of the Institution is changed IL,
all.
A passenger car on the Ogdensburgh Railroad was
destroyed by fire, last Friday morning, near Ellen
burgh. 1t caught from Il mans pipe, who bad been
smoking in the saloon.
Mr.. NJ. N. Graves, of Holland has lamb with six
legs, the two extra ones being attached to its side bv
the skin only. They perfect in bore, joints and
hoof. They hang so ms TO cross each other.
The town OF Derby, nj its last ann nal meeting vo-
ted the sum OF one thousand dollars for the purpose
OF buildlng monument to the memory OF deceased
soldiers from that town, 1t is to be built Of granite
and the stone is now being prepared The site is not
yet fully agreed upon.
Thomas Gordon, the ringleader of the riot at Mid
debury, Fast Day, has been arrested on reQuisi-
tion from Gov. Dillingham; and warrant issued by
Gov Fenton Of New York. The arrest was made Mt
Pert Henry, n. Y. and Gordon is now in the Middle
bury laf.-Maunehan, another OF the rioters made
his appearance in Middlebury on the arrival Of Cor
don, and Was Immediately arrested and put in Jail by
Sheriff Coamer.
The Champain Journal confirms the story # the
seizure u feDian arms Mt Rouses Point last week.
They were in 80 boxes, each containing 40 muskets,
marked 'machinery," and directed TO +. }. Manix,
Malone Manix is Centre" or something and
stated to Collector Dunn, by whom the arms were
seized upon instructions from Washington that he
was Fenian and did not to deny il. He de-
clned to state what WAS TO be done with the guns.