Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1866-01-18
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

/ Here | be, sir. Examiner-"Wel my good boy.
can you tell me what yowes areE First boy
! "Yowels sir? Yes, Of course can" Examiner
Tell then, what are yowels ?" First boy-''Wly
| vowels be chickens!
AMoxG the Hottentots, if widow marric.
again, she is obliged to cut off the joint Of finger
for every husband she marries after the first this
she presents to her new husband on her wedding
day, beginning at one Of the little fingers.
A PERSON looking over the catalogue of
professional gentlemen Of the bar, with his pencil
wrote against the name OF Of the bustling or
der, -" Has been accused of possessing talents.
! Another seeing it, Immediately wrote under HAS
been tried and acquitted
Ok a recent trip Of one Of the Illinois
river packets-a light draft one-the passengers
were startled by the cry of ''man overheard %
The steamer was stopped, and preparations made
to save him, when his voice was heard exclaiming,
| go ahead with your old steamboat! I'll walk
along behind you"
| AN "F. +. V" puts this in a Richmond
paper 'Wanted-A situation as son-n-law in
! some respectable family Blood and breeding no
object, being already supplied capital essential
No objection to going short distance in the coun-
try"
A MAN much addicted to snoring remark
ed to his bedfellow in the morning that he hal
slept like a top" Il know it," replied the other,
like humming top"
FooTNAN having learned from his mas
ter that mala-propOs meant ''Out of place, meet
ing brother tootman who had been discharged,
he exclaimed, Il am very sorry for you, you are
a mala-propos.
TAILoRs may not be very tolorable set
of human beings, but We have seen many militia
ry officer, who, although vain of his courage could
not look his tailor in the face.
ANGELS in the grave will not question
thee to the amount of wealth thou hast left be-
hind thee, but what good deed thou hast done in
the world to entitle thee to seat among the blest.
A MAN who had read the bible with more
attention than devotion in speaking of railroad
in Missouri, said ''it belonged to the order of Mel
chisedee-it had no connections in this world.
AUGUsTUs DooLlrrLE had been in a store
about three months, when his employer asked him
what part of the business he liked the best. To
which the youth replied, shutting up"
If girl makes more of her heels than
her head, depend upon it, she will never amount
to much. Brains which settle in the shoes never
get above them. Young men put this down.
An old bachelor who had been laughed
at by party of girls, told them they were small
potatoes 1--WE may be small potatoes" said one
! OF them, "but We are SWEET ones.
May tie bird who sleeps upon the wing
be said to occupy feather bed?
"Do you suppose that you can do the
landlord i'll the Lady Of Lyons 2" said a manager
to a seedy actor in quest of All engagement Il
should think might was the reply ''Ihave done
a great many landlords.
/ Why is matrimony like a besieged city
Because those who are Il, want to get ont and
those who are ont want 20 get it
A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to
,1y Il, II,
lowing polite note : Deacon - is requested not
/ to commence snoring tomorrow until the sermon
is begun, some persons in the neighborhood Of
his pew would like to hear the tect"
No matter how long you have been mar
ried, never neglect to court your wife
\ LADY, regular shopper, who had made
an unfortunate clerk tumble all the stockings
i'll the store objected that none were long enough
Il want, she said the longesthose that made
Then, madam was the reply you'd better ap-
/ ply to the next engine-houseS
/ IT is lucky thing to have piano in the
house-it is good .tor-ta.e
II is said that the eagle "has a contempt
for all other birds The owl however is more
contemptuous still he boots at everything.
I JERRY DlGGs remembered his miserly un-
Gle i'll a will, tor he bequeathed to my mothers
brother gun flint and knife to skin it with"
"She isn't all my fancy painted her !" bit.
terly exclaimed rejected lover; and worse thap
that she isn't all she paints herself.
! An Irish lawyer lately made political
speech in which he alluded to Irish bravery after
the following style. Said he, The wicked fee
when no man puTsueth, but an Irishman would
turn at bay and fight as bold as lion"
/ 4 drunkard .upon hearing that the earth
was round said that ii accounted for his rolling of
so much.
THERE is u whole sermon in the saying Of
an old Persian: In all the quarrels, leave open
the door of reconciliation" We should never for
get it.
! WHAT is the difference between a honey
comb and honeymoon A honeycomb consists
of small cells and a honeymoon consists Of
( one great "sell."
GENUINE ncighborly love knows no dis
tinction of persons. It is like the Sun which does
not ask what it shall shine, on what it shall
warm but shines and warns by the very law of
its own being. So there is nothing hidden from
its light and heat.
The following is the conclusion Of al ep-
itaph ON tombstone in East Tennessee: she
lived life OF virtue and died of the cholera NOR
bus, caused by eating green iruit in the full hope
Of a blessed Immortality, at the early age of q
years months and rs days Reader, go thou and
do likewise
/ Two boarding school misses, in such Il
susceptible frame of soul that the smallest beauty
in earth or sky could not escape them. were riding
out one smiling May morning, when one of them
spied messy granite block by the roadside, on
which was inscribed, ~ NJ from Harlem oh
sissy dc ah, exclaimed the elder, 'do look at that
epitauff. Isn't it byeutiful, So simple and yet SO
touching-Im from Harlem
: \ YSNG lady in the "rural district" was
once escorted II ome from an evening party by Il
young man to whom she Was no. particularly par
tal, On taking his leave he remarked: Il guess
Iii came and you next Saturday night. Well
Bill Smith" replied the lady. lyon can come rs a
friend, but not a feller," Bill didn't 90 either
way.
4 CHICAGO paper says; The boot black
boy is al institution peculiar to himself
He hourished in most of our large cities
and it may be owing to his frequent CON
tact with the understandings Of others,
which renders him, at times, peculiarly
sharp and witty A returned soldier was
accosted by one of the tribe with the usual
sanitation Black your boots, sir ? make
3 'em shine = Looking at the unpublished
'gunboats' in a contempative way, the war
worn veteran replied Well, don't care
if YOU do--fall in promptly, though' The