The Placer herald., 1866-02-10
A HARD SHELL SERMON.

you've no doubt heern before, and | now ap-
pear here to expound the Scriptures and
pint out the narrow way which leads from a
vain world to the streets Of Juroosalem, and
my text which shall choose for the occa.
sion is in the leds of the Bible, somewhere
between the Second Chronicles and the last
it you will find it 10 these words:
"And they shall gnaw file and flee unto
the mountains of Hepsdam, whar the lion
roareth and the 'whang' doodle mourneth
for its frs. born"
Now, brethering, as l have before told
you, | am an uneddicated man, and know
nothing about grammar talk and collidge
highfaootin; but I'm plain unlarnt preach
er of the Gospil what's been foreordained,
and called to expound Scriptures to dyin
world, and prepare perverse generation for
the day of wrath; for "they shall gnaw file
and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam,
whar the lion roareth and the whangdoodle'
mourneth for its first born"
My beluv'ed bretherng, the text says
''they shall gnaw a file" Ii don't say they
may but they SHALL And now there's MORN
one kind of file. There's the hand saw file,
rat tail file, double file and profile; but the
kind of file spoken of here isn't one of them
kind neither; because it is tigger of speech,
my brethering, and means goin' it alone and
getting ukered; for "they shall gnaw file,
and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam,
whar the lion roareth and the 'whang doc
die mourneth for its 6rstborn,"
And now there be some here with fine
close on their backs, brass rings on thar fin
gers, and lard on thar har, what goes it
while they're young; and thar be brothers
here what, as long as thar constitutions and
forty cent whiskey lasts, goes it with a rush;
and thar be sisters here what, when they git
sixteen year old, cut their tiIler ropes and
goes it blind, but say my dear brelhering,
take care you don't find when Gabriel blows
his last trump, that you've all went alone
and got ukered; for "they shall gnaw file,
and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidan,
whar the lion roareth and the 'whang~doo-
die mourneth for its tilst,born."
| And, my brethering, there's more dams
than Hepsdam. Thar's Rotterdam, Hod-
dam, Amsterdam, mill,dam and don't care a.
dam-the last of which my dear bretherng,
is the worst of all and reminds me of a cir.
cumstance once knew in the State of Hi.
nois. There was a man what built him
mill on the east fork of Agur creek, and
ground site of grain, but the man what
built it was a miserable sinner and never giv
anything to the church; and one night thar
came dreadful storm of wind aud rain and
the fountains of the great deep was broken
up, and waters rushed down and swept that
mans miIdam into kingdom come, aud 10!
and behold in the morning when he got up
he found he was not worth dam. Now,
my young bretherng, when storms Of temp
tation overtake ye, take care you don't fall
from grace and become like that mans mill
not worth dam; for "they shall gnaw a
file and flee unto the mountains Of Hepsi
dam, whar the lion roare,h and the 'whang,
doodle mourneth for its first born"
"Whar the lion roareth and the 'wbang
doodle mourneh for its first born" This
part Of my text, my brelhering, is another
fgger of speech, and isn't to be taken as it
says. 1t dosn't mean the howin' wilderness,
where John the bard.shel Baptist was fed
on ocusts and wild asses but it means, my
bretbering, the city of New Yorleans, the
mother of harots and hard lots where corn
is worth six bits busheI one day and nary
red the nexl; whar niggers are as thick as
blers, thieves and pickpockots 90 skitting
bout the streets like weasels in yard
-whar they have cream colored horses,
guided carriages, marble saloons, with
brandy and sugar in 'em-whar honest men
are scarcer than hens teeth, and a strange
woman once TUX in your beuved preacher
and bamboozled him out of two hundred
and twenty seven dollars in the twinkn of
a Sleeps tail; but she can't do it again, Hal
lelujah! "For they shall gnaw file and flee
unto the mount aims Of llepsidam, whar the
lion roareth and the 'whangldoodle' mourn,
eth for its frst.born."
My bretherlng am the Captain of that
flat boat you see tied up thar and I've got
aboard of her -four, bacon and oats, and po-
tatoes and apples, and as good Monongehaly
whiskey as you ever drank; and I'm nifty
apt to get big price for it all. But what,
oh, my brethering, would it all be wurth if |
hadn't religion? Tbar's nothing like relg-
ion, my bretbering. It's better nor silver
and gold, or Jimcracks, and you can no
more get to Heaven without it than iay
bird can fly without tail Thank the Lord
I'm an uneddicated man, my brethering, but
I've sarched old Zion right side up, and hard
shell religion is the best Of religions. And
it's not like the Methodiss what expects to
get into heaven by hollerin hel,fire; nor like
the Universalist what gifts upon the broad
gage and goes it whole hog; nor the United
Brethering, what takes each other by the
seats of the trowsers and tries to lift their
: selves into heaven, nor the CatherlicLs what
buys thro tickets from their priests-but it
may be lkened unto a man what had to
, cross river, and when he got thar the ferry
boat was gone and be just rolled up his
, breeches and waded over-Hallelujah! for
"they shall gnaw file and fee unto the
mountains Of Hepsidam whar the lion roar
eth and the 'whang doodle mourneth for its
Q frstiborn."