Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1866-08-01
BIIdad the scribe writes.

VINO VIII be favorable to Mr.. Hutchins; but as
yet we cannot hear of any probability of the choice
of any such Delegates.
BIIdad the Scribe Writes.
Now it came to pass in the second year of the
reign Of Abraham the good, that the people who
lived in a certain part of the land of Unculpsalm
even in the nineteenth district or the Province OF
the Cheesemakers, assembled, as was their custom
IN city OF the Proyinee. to choose man to rep
resent them in the Sanhedrim Of the Nation and
then id they take council with each other and
reasoned thus:
"Lo now these four years hath John, whose
surname is Hutchins, gone from the land of Cheese
makers to the Sanhe of the NatOn-but what
doth il avail US 2 Hath he dumb spirit, or doth
his vision grow dim for either he speaketh not
ALL or as ifperchance he saw not the point. More
over why doth he not make himself great man
LO ! the wherewith is not in him. Moreover doth
he permit the little KOppurhed, whose name is
SammyeOX, to SANDER the Cheesemakers; fOI
when this Sammycox doth assert that we speak
with the traRa of the whangdoOdle. and that the
faces of our wives are as the color of whey, this
our Representative hath not wherewith to rebuk
him, but he doth submit to this KopPurhead as ii
were like puppy, even spaniel that has been
whipped. Go to. now this man whose name is
John, shall no longer go for US to the Great Coun
ell but we will choose another"
Now there was fierce war in the land Of Uncul-
psalm; for the Phireaters and the koppurheads
had Joined together to destroy the Government
thereof And the Cheesemakers were loyal men,
and they went down by hundreds and by thous-
ands to slay the Johnnyrebs. who lived in the land
Of Dicksee but John, whose surname was Hutch
ins went not.
Now there lived among the Cheesemakers a
worthy man. who feared God and loved the nation
of Unculpsalm. His name was James, and his
surname was Garfield and he had made his way
from an humble position in life, to be much res
peeted of the people.
so he gathered together a host of CheeSemakers,
even a thousand men, and went with them into
0ldkaintuckee, and the land of Dicksee; and foI
two years did they slay the Phireaters and the
JOhnneyrebs, and they covered themselves with
glory as with a garment. So the people said amOna
''Lol this man James, whose surname is Gar
field, hath proven himself man to be trusted; be
is Valient in war and wise in council. He shall
represent US in the Sanhedrim.'
Now John, whose surname is Hutehins, was there
with all his mighty men Of valor; but he prevail
ed not. for the lot was cast and it fell James
So John was sore grieved and Yexed IN his heart
and returned unto his home with sad eounte-
nance. even the face of asmal boy that hath eaten
sour apples and tears as it were the size of an
onion. ran down his cheeks.
Now it came to pass that as John laid upon his
couch that night, behold there came unto him q
spook, sent by his master whose surname is Belize
bub. the same that hath crooked horns and tail
and emitted from his nostrils as it were the smell
of birthstone. and this spook sitting upon the bed
did say:
."Be not cast down, my servantl Truly a greai
ealamlty hatn oei2ien tnee, thongn worse mlgnI
have happened. Listen thou and obey the word:
of BelZebub. Betake thyself to the Capitol of the
Nation, and beseeeh of Abraham the Good. thai
he will give to thee a bit ofGovernment Pap, (paI
is good for weak bodies,) and 10! perchance he
may hear theep
When, therefore. John awoke. his grief was as.
and ceased not by day nor by night, to cry aloud
Pap, pap, papP And John prevailed, for ht
was skilful in pleadings from his much experience
before Justice, whose surname is Peace; and Abra
ham the Good, was man whose bowels were full
of mercy. So John was sent to the city of tn,
crescent, in the land of Oicksee.
Now the land and the people of Dieksee founC
favor in the eyes of John and he loved them ever
as they of old did love the flesh pots of Egypt; anC
the back. Moreover he made with the men of thu
South pleasant arrangement, even with so many
as had claims upon Unculpsalm; and he did com.
pei Unculpsalm to pay these claims of the John.
nyrebs and the pockets of this man, whose name
is JOhn, did grow fat with the money that he made
from Unculpsalm. So fat, indeed, that compared
with them the pockets of the money changers o.
Warren, were altogether emptyness and vanity.
Moreover, so pleased was j. ohm with the Phireet.
ers. that he moved his sons and his daughters into
the new Canaan; he established himself and hi.
sons and his son's-in-law in business-even the
claim business of the Phireeters, and the fat fees
even the fatness Of his SON, flowed in upon him.
Now John cared nothing more for the Cheese
mOngers. and he had forgotten them, for were not
the Phireeters and their claims sweeter than hon
ey in the honey-combT
But the mind Of John was a cunning mind, and
he was one ofthose lean men whom William, whose
surname is Shakespeare, hath mentioned, when he
says
Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep o'nights
Yon John has lean and hungry look;
=Suc0 men are dangerous
So John did hatch bigger speculation. (for
Johns speculations were to take all and givendu0ht
yea even to make as it were, ,one hundred per cent
minute) for said he: Being lean in body, 1 must
be fat in purse. to make all things even." My sub
stance hath waxed exceeding great; but have q
plan which the CheesemOngers of Ohio shall heir
me accomplish. Lo! will return unto them fol
a while"
So John made ready to go. And he said to hi:
sons and his son-in-laW. Do thou remain here and
watch after the cotton and the land and the nggahs
(Or there niggahs in those parts) and do thou
gather up all the claims Of the Phiroeters, so thai
when am in the Sanhedrim, we shall heap VI
money in piles as the pyramids of Egypt for size
For shall go to the land of the Cheesemonge gers
and parsuade them to send me to the Great Coun-
Gil that thus we may make money from the Phire-
eters and from Unculpsalm," And thus they did
And John arrived in the land of the Cheesema.
kers and John did lay his plans, and said thus tC
himself:
'Lo how the men of cheese. and of iron, and
coal, and wool, love this man Garfield, even as
brother. will get me cunning writer's and art
full men, and pipe-layers, and wire Fullers, and
log rollers or thus do they call the sealaWsgs who
do dirty work for politiclans,) and men who pre-
tend to have been soldiers. Behold all sorts oi
of the man Garfield, for John must go to the San
hedrim, or the firm of Hutchins, Cozzens & Co.. in
the land of the Phireetahs will go to the WALL
Now let US adjourn 20
Thus ended the words of John, and his works
are already made manifest. Behold are not the
frebrands already cast into the ranks of the
Eunyau men Are not the people greatly distur-
bed?
Moreover the Dimmyehrats, and the Koppur-
heds. and the followers of JOsephall. and Jefyr-
sunpam, do not these reptyles hiss with joy And
the battle Is still set IN array and doth rage ercey
But 10! the man James. whose surname is Gar
field. hath taken of his coat, and is ready to lead
the hosts of the Cheesemakers to yictory-yea even
he did in the olden time when his coat did hang
land of Dicksee. The words Of Bildad, the scribe
are ended.