Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-12-11
Oaaaaaiah2al G0tller2t12a.


atoned for the wrong by forming pair.
Why is an interesting book like topper S
nose? Because it is read to the end.
A country boy who had heard of sailors heav-
ing UP anchors, wanted to know if it was sea
sickness that made them do it.
Solomon advises the sluggard to go to the
ant, but the shiftless in our days generally go
to their uncle.
Artemus Ward says there are no daily papers
published in his town, but there is ladies sew
ing circle, which answers the same purpose.
What is the difference between tunnel and
a speaking trumpet? One is followed out; the
other followed in.
Why is stagnant pool of water like leaden
image of Satan? Because one is a dead level,
and the other is a lead devil.
A yankee peddler, with his cart, overtaking
another of his sort on the road, was thus accos-
ted: Halo, what do you carryy Drugs
and medicines, was the reply. Good, re-
turned the other. "you may go ahead, l carry
gravestones.
A farmer going to get his grist ground at a
mill, borrowed bag Of one of his nelghbors !;
the poor man was knocked under wheel, and
the bag with him--both were lost. When the
melancholy news was brought to his wife, she
exclaimed, my GRACIOUS, Wldt Iuss tueIc IL NC
about that bag
The Parkersburg Gazette says chap left one
of the Eastern States, much to the relief of the
neighborhood, and settled in one of the loyal
precincts of West Virginia In due time he
mean men get office out hear. m elected to the
legislator. You had better come out at onst. y
Two good-natr1red Irishmen, on a certain oc-
,,,1 h. lol T.,
ing one of them inquired Of the other: s'Den-
mis-, did you hear the thunder last night ?'-
"No, Pat; did it rally thunder?" Eyes, it
Numbered as if heven and airth would come to-
gether. why, in the devil, thin, didn't We
wake me, for We know [ can't slape Whin it is
laundering"
An urchin leading a little dog along the streets
of Charlestown, some days ago, was accosted by
a gentleman as follows:
"Wel, my son, what's your dog S name?''
"Haln't got any name yet. !"
SWELL why don't you name him. Give him
some good name Call him Andy johnson -
II don't like to do that would be dis-res-
pectful to the President
well, then, name him Beast Butler"
II won't do that neither, for that would be
dis-respectful to the dog
Deacon S. was very fond of bivalves, and on
one occasion he ate and overloaded his s'capac-
ity'' to such an extent that he was sore dis
tressed His faith in prayer, however, was
strong. Leaving his party, and being followed
by some younger members little way off, he
was heard to supplicate as follows:
Forgive me, 0 Lord, for this sin of glut-
tony, and will never eat any more clamsP =
Then. pauslng an instant, he added: Very
few, If any-amen!"
The following is an account of a vivid death
bed scene that lately took place. A dying hus-
band said to his spouse:
Wife, | ain to live but few hours at most.
L shall soon be in heaven.
The affeetionate wife replied:
'You-you' Ii never be any nearer than you
are now to heaven, you old brute You'd look
well stuck up In heaven. [ think [ see you
there now. -
.sDolphus, Dolphus," hoarsely growled the
old man. bring me my cane, and let me larrup
the old trollop once more before | die
1t NAM wants to get at his actual dimensions
let him visit a grave yard
If any man wants to be an old bachelor. and
get sick at a boarding tavern, and have a back
room IN the 4th story, and have red haired
chamber maid bring his water cruel to him in a
TIN wash basin, | have always said, and stick to
1t yet, he has got perfect right to do it,
When man loses his health then he first
begins to take care of it. This is good iude-
ment! this is!
1t is getting SO nowadays if a man cannot
cheat somebody he amt happy.-Joshua BIZ
kngs.
AS Beast Butler was driving from his hotel
In Columbus, Ohio, to the depot, man in
great haste ran from the sidewalk into the
street, stopped the carriage, and exclaimed,
holding up dirty spoon, Here, General here
Is something you drapped."
Smith and Brown, running opposite ways
round corner, struck each other
"Oh, dear, says Smith, ''how you made
my head ringl"
That's sign its hollow, says Brown.
Didn't yours ring? says Smith.
NO says Brown.
That S sign it S cracked, says Smith.
A Yankee and a Frenchman owned pig in
co-partnership. When killing time came. they
wished to divide the carcass. The Yankee was
anxious to divide so that he could get both hind
quarters, and persuaded the Frenchman that
the proper way to divide was to cut it across
the back. The Frenchman agreed to it, on
condition that the Yankee would turn his back
and take choice OF the pieces after it was cut in
two. The Yankee turned his back and the
Frenchman asked
:. "Vlch peece will you have; re peece vid de
tan on him, or re peece vat amt got no tail on
him. '' 'N'' va
The piece with the tail p shouted the Yam
kee instantly
Den, by gar, you take him and [ take re
oder, said the Frenchman
Upon turning around the Yankee found that
the Frenchman had cut off the tail and stuck it
in the pig S mouth.
The experienced are aware that there is no
segerer tr1al OF temper than the milking of a
refractory cow: Such a cow, by refusing to
stand still, and by kicking over the milk two or
three times, had vexed me so beyond all endu-
rance, that, getting good cudgel, and having
got the COW well corned, | proceeded to admin
lister most wrathful fogging. Nv father. at
that moment made his unexpected apnearance
and suspended operations: Harmon. nv SON
don't strike that cow again; never strike cow
it never does them any good-neyerI'
About week after this my father was doing
the milking himself, and the COW proved unu,
sually troublesome, as [ inferred from loud
sounds in the direction of the barn-yard. Go
ing to the spot, arrived just in time to see the
cow in very close corner of the fence, and the
boot OF my paternal relative administering kicks
of the heaviest kind, thick and fast. Father"
never tostrfe COW YES THAT Soe is s0t trna me
was the reply, while the punishment continued
with unabated vigor, that is true; but did I
say anything about kicking them? Striking
does no good, but kicking seems to curl them
right up"