The Union and journal. [volume] (Biddeford, Me.) 1858-1882, 1866-03-16
Miseellaueuns.
THE SORROWS OF A LECTURER.


tious men who aspire to become popular lee
turcrs, I send You few items Of my expert
enee. went to Southern Illinois to get start
cd As a lecturer. I told my hotel keeper tha
this was my FIRST effort in the lecture line
That did not care for money IL could only
get started. | was unfortunate on that occa
sion both in my subject and my audience. My
subject was, ..The urgent necessity for an i'm
mediate revival and thorough reorganization o.
tho Know Nothing party" My audience
were ail Irish. ! got started.
Being advertised by the nom de plune o
"Tho fat contributor" my audience is some
times disappointed in the size of the lecturer
Such was the case in a town visited in Min
nesota last summer My audience was small
owing to the public being suddenly and serious
ly indispnspi-they were indsposcd to come to
the lecture. My audience, in fact, consisted ol
but one people. lie was gentleman. l be
gan nv discourse, "Gentlemen and ladies, bui
changed quickly to RESPECTED sir" Before
l could proceed any further the audience rose
Indignantly to its feet Us one man.
inquired the cause Of the interruption.
"Sir," no said, "the audience is disappointed
in tho size Of the lecturer.
"wcll, my dear sir" said I, "the lectmer is
disappointed in the sizs Of the audience, and II
you will not say anything more about size,
won't"
IIo allowed me to proceed, and at the con.
clusion was so well pleased that he urged me
to stay another night, when no promised me q
much larger audience. lie could not come
himself, but he would send his wife, who
weighed two hundred and sixty five pounds.
didn't stay.
have had good deal Of money in my
houses at one time and anothcr-generally in
the pockets of some wo.lthy mau in the audi
encc. always come home with money, how
ever. borrow some to come home with.
havc had some large houses. Tho largest
house ever had was in Louisville, Ky. Thai
house must have been two hundred feet long
and ninety feet wide, while in height it came
pretty hish-took all the receipts to pay rent
A Louisville editor said n good thing about INC
He said Tho Fat Contributor lcctured las
night to q small house. His style resembles
Artcmus Wards, but he has not the ease ant
grace of Artcmus before an audience" Al
though lecturer could he at case before ar
audience that would not pay expenses. Al
gIace accompanies meat, and there wasn't prof
/. enough in tho house to buy meat, where's
your grace?
lie said in continuan,c chat would improve
with practice, provided | had capital enough
to continue the practice. And this in the fac'
OF the acknowledged fact that had capita
lecture.
The fullest house ever had was at Pithol'
City, in the Oil Regions. Every man wh'
camc was full Of beer. The lecture went OF
as well as my doorkccper did. lie went oil
with the receipts.
gave two consecutive lectures at Oil City
At the conclusion Of the second lecture, one o
the first citizens (thc second citizen had not yc
arrived) rose and assured me that had delight
cd him greatly. IIo said they hadn't enjoyed
themselves so we'll since the Thaycrs were hung
He added that it was the request of the audi
eucc en- mase altogether, that should stay
another night. The landlord Of the hote
where was stopping, arose somewhat hastily
and stated that couldn't stay another nigh
with him unless my bill was secured Such il
sometimes the encouragement that genius re
ceives az the hands of the mercenary.
A little town on the Allegheny turned ou
we'll. The principal occupation OF the inhab
i.auts was to haul oil. That being the onl,
hill they had, lectured in a grocery. Th'
people turned out in q most unexpected man
nor they turned out tho lights - then they
turned out the lecturer-because ho wasn't fa
enough. They gave mo twenty minutes t'
cave town. told them that ii thoy would
make it twenty dollars, I'D so.
AT the termination Of the twenty minutes
felt something come against mo very rapid,
from behind. Ny first impression was that
was an old.ashioncd leather valse. Subse
ouent reflection has convinced mo that it was
boot. shook hands with them oil with muci
feeling. told them they must excuse me, To-
had got to GO Leaving somewhat hastily,
caught tho sound Of chcrub voices in that gro
ccry. singing in tones Of the most pathetic in
quiry:
| .shall we mover moro behold thee,
| Never hear thy winning voice again''
Iyellcd back that they wouldn't, not IL
could hclpit. That swimming voice" didn'
secm to win in that neighborhood.
A friend advised me to 60 twice to the SAM
place. lie said that although might onl!
mako expenses the first time, the next time !
would bc different. II was, to bcsurc. lonl.
raid expenses the first timc. yet tho second tim
Il didn't. have tried my agents. The
proved unsatisfactory with ono exception, III
never asked INC for money. lilo never alluded
TO money but once. Said ho to mo one day:
"Ycu don't care for money, do you?"
| "No, indeed" said I.
81 thought not" said he. 81 never saw
you hayc cent"
humor him in thoss harmless light fight
of wit. You may hear from mo again.
Timely, rhAr ooNrS'boroH'
II