The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1866-03-31
HISTORY puRITANIzED.


The Petersburg (ya.) Index thus sar-
castically hits Oft the growing tendency oi
lnuding and glorifying and worshippimg
New England at tho expense of truth,
justice and dignity on the part Of the peo-
pie in other sections of the country:
We suggest, that hereafter all schoas.
tic education shall be by law, conveyed in
questions aud answers, that all the an
swes shall consist of the word New Eng.
land. or New Englander, or some inflec-
tion or modification Of the same substan.
tiyes AS mny he pertinent 10 ench enqui.
rs, together with such particulars as may
serve 10 do justice to individual localities
in New England.
Let us illustrate by some random ex.
amples from Grecian History:
Who let the Argonausic expedition
Squire Jason, Boston merchant in
the wool trade =
Where was Troy situated
On Passamaquoddy Bay.
Who settled Bnotia2
A colony Of New Englanders.
Where was Alexander the Great born !?
In Rhode Island.
Why was he called The GreatY
Because after eonquering Newport ISL
and he cried because he had no pungy TO
cross over to the main land.
What was the Acropolis
The summer residence Of tho Mayor Of
Concord on the White Mountains.
Who led the Trojans at the siege OF
Troy2
Hector, "sport, of the Boston p. Il.
What was the war about
A New England sehool-marm.
Where was MacedonY
In the Northern part Of New England
Where was Athens
In the Southern ditto, ditto, &c. &c.
Our private opinion and belief is that
there nre authentic documents now in the
library of Yale College-or they will be
there when neodcd--to prove that Bunk.
Ter Hill Monument marks the site Of Bah.
ylon the Mighty, that Carthage was nc
more nor less than Portland, Ostium Ma.
hant, and Boston, in fact, Athens; that
Homer was professor of Bellies Lettres al
Harvard, and Palinurus member Of the
Cambridge Yacht club; that priseian
taught grammar school at Montpelier
and Arehimedes was private tutor Of
chemistry in Concord that st. Peter was
a Cape Cod fisherman, and st. Matthew
a collector of the internal revenue at Ston.
ington; that Phidias owned brown-stone
quarry in Maine, aud Socrates founded
the Atlantic Monthly; that the Acade
mia was the walk under the elm tress al
New Heaven. and the Colossus of Rhodes
a statue which strided from Nantucket tc
Martha's Vineyard that Plymouth Rock
is all that is left of the Tower of Babel
and the Connecticut river ran through
Paradise; that Stonington is the site Of
Tyre, and AIerrimae fast colors, the dyes
that made that city famous; that the old
temple of Diana at Ephesus was not burn
ed. but is now Faneuil Hall, and that
Herodotus and Wendell Phillips were the
same persons; that the fable of Romulus
and his brother being sucked by vol
(tHpus) arose from the circumstance that
their mother was the first Vermonter who
looped her dresses; that Mercury was the
ancient name of Ben Buffers family, and
that likG everything else in New England
the family has gone on perfecting itself
from the start; that the SUI shines six
hours per diem more on that favored spot
than any other between the poles; and
that Noah's family was so much elated al
nm alliance with the Websters of Massa.
chusetts, that they got up dictionary tc
commemorate that fact that st. Patrick
was Head Centrr of Fenian Circle in
Bangor, and St. Andrew kept distiIlery
in Lowell; and finally, that the milleni-
um will begin in Boston, and will not be
allowed to extend beyond its limits, ex-
eept by two-thirds vote Of the taxpayers
of that heavenly city, excluding all who
have at any time in their most secret
thoughts expressed doubt of the propri-
ETY. of hanging JEFF Davis and General
Lee on sour apple tree.
How absurd, then, to write book to
prove to us that Sam. Adams, and not
Jefferson, was the founder of the Demo
cratic party. Why, we stand ready to
admit that Washington was born in Con-
necticut, that Virginia was county Of
Rhode Island, and that we owe our lives,
our reasons, and our daily bread, as we
owe our wooden nutmegs and painted
hams, exclusively to New England Pray,
lump the business gentlemen, and do not
prolong the agony.
QuARREL1vG.-1f anything in the world
will make man feel badly, except pinchine