Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1866-03-09
Bob Varkis Oyerhauls Boston Ideas and
Thinks They've N05 Healthy.

l. III UfcSC Ill DOStOu diIlU 81 CllOCA 1uil VI
ideas that she'd bust if some one didn't 90 a
peddlin of EN- Off for her She's been into
the fixin trade sinct she was infant, and by
thunder she's put a patch onto most every
thing that was with patchin, likewise moo
merus A8sfich wasn't She's got less sense
and more sass nor is healthy for femail
town, and she haint got more'n too much
grit into her when musseps up, exceptin
there's some wool an ivory to fit fur. Sam
Hill don't she go it then, skratehn and pull
III har and calm bad names and a scrougin
of eyes and tellin foax thar nasty dirty good
nothln critters and rayin round like Elk
sasperated rinosserus Or some other animal
which amt wuth rltin eksept fur -sylnilee.--
I'm goll. darned if it amt pity some chap
didn't take hold Of that Internal cantankerus
femail cuss and hold inkwest onto her afore
she got her ideas creased. They run so
slick now faint no use tryin to brake up; but
its pity some chap didn't choak her when
she was a infant Blest if it amt!
Boston has growed up 50 big, and her fam
ily's been gettn SO big there amt room fur
EN- all at home, so she's been sendin some
of ell. to Congress and some Of EN- to Jail,
and the ones which amt in Congress or in
jail goes round cheatin foax out of their in
telleck, and abusin of foax which has more
intelleck'n they can cheat. Them offspring
which graduated in the intelecktoral swind-
lin line peddles the ideas, and when they
can't get EN- all off cheap they packs batch
Of en- off to the fellers in Congress, and darn
EN- the whole stock gets worked off afore
foax smells swindle Windy Phillips totes
round the peddiin wagon, and I'm blessed if
he don't blow onto a old horn Ike as if he
was sellin pogies; and Sumner, he works of
the old stock when they, a;nt too fresh to
smell sweet. Windy Ant partiklar about
price. He jest gets inA2-aa crowd and blows
onto his horn, and then he says: g Here
you are now, I'm ready fur a trade. Here's
some span. new ideas made in Boston. and
| you can have EN- cheap. You needn mind
payun fur EN- if you don't want to, but take
EN- anyway" The clap which runs the
/ Congress branch Of the blarsted concern GETS.
up and pulls out bushil Of stall notions and
tellv the fellers in his shop that thar all fresh
and good fur numeros diseases Of the color
ed sex, and then the funograph chap up stairs
adyertises en- That's bout how the machine
runs, and when the stocks all gone Boston
gets up another lot a sends EN- of to the
wholesale and swindle market.
Boston's fust idea are that thar Amt no
country with speakin Of ekseptin Massachu-
sets. She's bean worlzin off this idea sinct
she was youthful femail, and I'm blcst if the
stock amt a 'cumilatin onto her. When one
OF her poacier cnaps g3cttSs talkin he don't say
nothin ekseptin two words which is Boston
and Massachusetts,. Thar amt no larnin no
whar ehseptin in Boston, and thar Amt no
Goldfish nowhar ekseptin in Massachusetts,.
Massachusetts, thinks she have more valtu-
Gus famail wives and darters and kuzz;ns than
Georgy have mail foax, and may be darn
ed to internal smash if she amt sendin of
EN- off to the Pacific. Well, | reckon thar
won't be much pacific when they get thar,
for them kross- grained, spinnin- ginny cam
tankerus femail cusses won't let no pacific to
stay whar they squat They's got lungs,
and gee rusalem, when Massachusetts, tung
gets Vaughn thar amt no stoppin Of tt
And they gets thar noses into most eve
rything. Theys wuse'n a Insanitary Commits
sion or Reconstruction Committee Blest if
they Amt. Massachusetts have got more in
tellek nor Tirgnny, and can fit more nor
South Caroliny, ekseptin with muskets which
amt healthy fur New England, but fustrate
fur fureners and colored foax. I'll bet APP
pie she amt no fool but COLL darn her mis-
erabil, sneakin catarankus picter! she's the
biggest swindler and the confoundedest,
blastedest bellerer which amt been chucked
into Stait Prison or a Loonatik Asylum
Blame me fur ingin if wouldn't feel bet
tern married idjut jest a loollin on at South
| Carolny wollopin of her, and if doctors
was round I'd keep EN- off sure's | amt
related to the Butler family I'd give more'n
ten cents and cheer to play coroner on the
habeas corpses Of that ere stait and I'm
blest if wouldn't go into the coffin Ibizness
jest fur the luxury Of bein at the funeral.
Then Boston have got another idea which
it are that Mississippi colored foax is con-
siderable better'n a Georgy Senator. She
amt goin to say that a Mississippi colored
foax is better'n a Massachusetts white foax,
tho ia swar before notorius public that he
are. She goes in heavy fur maxim colored
foax whiter'n natur made EN-, and Pm blest
If the census amt provin of lt-provin that
colored foax is getten whitern natur made
'em, and Massachusetts have been deep into
it. Boston says thar amt no loyalty nowhar
South eksepUin what's black, ana blast her to
whar she's goin fast! if she amt goin
round with charcoal and putin mournin on
to every Caucasian which don't shut glory
halleluiarem. When a Southern chap comes
to Washington and says he wants that seat
which Uncle Sam has been a keepin- fur him,
Boston hollers out, on amt reconstructed
| you shan't get it. amt goin to trust you,
fur YOU amt black You've been fttin
agin our side, and we amt sure you've done
ftten yet There amt no place here for foax
which has been a iEttin agin our side, and we
amt goin to let no SIGH foax come lookin
round our shanty fur furniture and spoons
which amt paid fur Send along your ifoax
which is loyal, and didn't have no silver
spoons, and they can come in; but you shan't."
That s. bout how Boston talks. when white
foaks nox at the Congress door She's
skeered Of EN-, blest if she Amt and Utmost
ly comes Of the way she's been a investn
cheap in Moo Orleans and Caroliny hardware !.
/ She's afeared of Southern foax which has