The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1866-12-05
FACETlE.

Generally speaking, an excuse is
genteel overcOat for lie.
If you would WOO lady and are too
timid to speak, squeeze her hand. zee
your way.
"What is the plural of cent?" in
auired schoolmaster.
1.-TWO cents" shouted the sharpest IL
the class.
A Flemish newspaper actually bears
the name of the RonssslGrscenee'rddig
ipqsJlad. 1t is expected that its foreign
readers can wade through the heading
during the day.
We find this in an evening exchange
II once met man who had ncrve-and'
bone l-healing salve; he was an enter
prising kind of fellow, so he Thought
he would experiment with it. He first
cut off a dogs tail, and applied some to
the stump-a new tail grew out imme'
diately. He then applied some to the
niece of tail which he cut Oft, and new
dog grew out. He did not know which
dog was which"
"THE GALLANT SIyTY-NrNTH."-Two
gallant sons of Erin, being Just dis
charged from the service, were rejoicing
over the event with 'wee taste OF the
cratur," when one felt all the glory OF
his own noble race, "Arrah, bike,
here's to the gallant Guild Sixty-ninth:
The last in the field and the first to
leaye!" "Tut, tut, man." SAID Mike,
"you don't name that" Don't name
it. is iti Then what do l name 4" You
name" said Mike, and he raised his
glass high and looked lovingly at 1t,
"Here's to the gallant Ould SiXty-nlnth
equal to nonew And SO they drank
l-Erank Moore's anecdotes.
An EXPENSIVE JoB.-A gentleman
passing country church while under
repair. observed to one of the workmen
that it would be an expensive job.
"Why, yes" replied he; but IN my
opinion we shall accomplish what our
reverend divine has cndeavored!t0 do,
for the last thirty years, i'll vain"
"What is that {" said the gentleman.
"Why, bring all the parish to re-
pentance."
Joe Y was good at trick, and
played one off on l.. On the first
day of April he stopped in and informed
the latter that Frenchman was dying
at the City Hotel, and wished to see
him before he handed in his checks.
Off the latter posted, but, of course, no
half-dead Frenchman was there. About
an hour later Joe y, who kept hv-
erv stable, received an order from l.
to keep a buggy for him. There could
be no humbug connected with ordering
u buggy, and so all day long customers
were refused that buggy. All his bug
gies were out, and tired of refusing this
last one, late in the evening Joe y
called on l. and desired him to send
for his buggy. 81 don't want it," said
l.. very cOolly. "Why the dickens
did YOU order it, then!r said Joe Y,
out of temper. "Oh,' replied l.,
81 only wanted it for that Frenchman's
funeral if lie should die"
Snake stories having become worn
out, the editors are now exercising their
ingenuity on parrot stories'-thc
latest escape-valves for their irreprcssi-
BILE imagination. The following is a
specimen purporting to be narrated bya
Virginia negro: "You see" said he, dds
parrot bclon ged to baker in Richmond.
Now each baker is allowed to make Il
certain number of loavcs every day, and
no more, cause if dey do dey will be
serving ont stale bread to de customers.
Well, dis baker had baked more than
bis share one day, and hid dc surplusum
under de counter. De parrot was hang
in in his cage, IN seed it all. Bimeby
in comes dc inspector, and finds de bread
all right, and is goin out agin satisfied,
when the parrot cocks his eye Mt him,
and sings out, "Dere's more bread under
dc counter so dc inspector grabs it,
cordin to law, and carries it off. Well,
den dc baker goes to the parrot VERY
mad, and takes him by the he'd, and
fotchcs him twitch or two and filings
him in de gutter for dead, 'longside OBJ
pig Just dead oh de measles. Bimeby
the parrot begins to crawl about, his
feathers u sticking out, and his head
Topped on one side, and den stops and
looks ut dc rig VERY pitiful, and scd he,
Did yau say anything about de brcadF"