The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1866-10-19
Sorrows OF q Lecturer-An Extract
from the Humorous Lecture Deli.
vered Before the Wheeling Library
Association, Last Winter, by the
Fat Contributor

For the benefit of numerous class of
ambitious men who aspire to become popu-
lar lecturers, | send you few items OF my
experience. / went to Southern Illinois to
get started as popular lecturer. was
advertised under the nam de plume Of the
"Fat Contributor. My audience was
small, owing to the public being suddenly
and severely indisposed-they were indis-
posed to come to the lecture. My au-
dience, in fact, consisted of but one people.
He was a gentleman. l began my dis
course "Gentlemen and ladies'" but
changed it quickly to "Respccted sir. :"
Before / could proceed any further my au-
dience arose indignantly to his feet as one
man. l inquired the cause of the inter-
ruption.
"Sir,' said he, "the audience is disap-
pointed in the size of the lecturer"
"Well, my dear sir" said 1, "the lee
turer is disappointed in the size of the
audience, and if you will not say anything
about size, / won't"
"He allowed me to proceed, and at the
conclusion was SO well pleased that he
urged me to stay another night, when he
promised much larger audience. He
would not come himself, but would send
his wife, who weighed two hundred and
sixty-five pounds. didn't stay.
81 have had good deal Of money in the
house at one time and another, generally
in the pockets of some wealthy man in the
audience. always come home with mo-
ney, however, borrow little to come
home with.
81 have had some largo houses. The
largest house l had was at Louisville, KY.
That house must have been 200 feet long
and ninety feet wide, while in height it
came pretty high-took all the proceeds to
pay the rent. A Louisville editor said a
good thing of me. He said: THE Fat
Contributor lecturcd last night to o
small house. His style resembles Arte-
mus Wards, but he has not the ease and
grace of Artemus before an audience As
though lecturer could be at ease before
an audience when the audience wouldn't
pay expenses. As grace accompanies meat,
and if there wasn't profit enough in the
house to buy meat, where's my grace 4
"The fullest house / have had was ut
Pithole city, in the oil regions. Every man
was full of beer. The lecture went off
very well, Notwithstanding. 1t didn't 60
off as well as my doorkecper did-he went
off with the receipts.
81 gave two consecutive lectures at Oil
City. At the conclusion Of the second lee
ture, one Of the first citizens (the second
of the edition had not arrived) arose and
assured me that ! had delighted them
greatly. He said they hadn't enjoyed
themselves so much since the Thayers
were hung. He added that IL was the re-
quest of the audience en- rndsse-there
were five en- masses altogether-that !
should stay another night. The landlord
Of the inn where was stopping arose some.
what hastily and stated that ! couldn't stay
another night with him unless my bill was
guaranteed. Such il oftentimes the en-
couragement that genius receives at the
hands of the mercenary. ii III ( u ~
"a little town on the Allegheny turned
out well. The principal occupation Of the
inhabitants was to haul oil. That being
the only hall they had, l lectured in q gro
Gerry shop. The people turned out I'M
most unexpected manner; they turned
ont the lights, then they turned ont the
lecturer, because no wasn't fat enough.
They gave me twenty minutes TO leave the
town. / tol1 hem If they'd make 1t twenty
dollars, I'd go!
"At the termination of the twenty
minues felt something come against me
very Yrspidly from behind. Ny frst im-
preston was that It was an old-fashioned
leather Salise, Subsequently, reflection
has convinced mo that q Vas boot.
shook hands with them all with much feel
ing. ! told them they must excuse me, for
I felt that had got 70 60! Leaving SOME
what hastily, Icaught the sound Of chSrnb
voices linz that rocsry shop, singing, In
tones Of the most pathetic inquiry,-4
4, .Shsil ] never more hehsN thsS, .,ss.
! I Never hear that wtaniaS voise assiHf',,
! = yelled back that they xouadnst- not
III could heip That ! KiphibS Yoice |,
didn't sssW p win in, the sigbborAood,
asi hayh tiSd NiSS sS}Ytss Theylspvll
unntt lslory With onS SxcSp He
asrus e1kedAg nsesy. Pe aeves allvoed