The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1866-04-20
Natural History Of

All mothers wish to have their grownup
daughters married.
Some mothers, in the furtherance Of their
wishes, trust TO love, some to luck, and some
to Providence.
The Managing Mamma, however, trusts to
neither of these ruling powers in the affairs OF
womankind, but resolves to accomplish her de-
sire by the aid of tact, cunning, and perse-
verance.
The M. M. is the terror of poor young men in
love with her daughters, and tormenting
spirit to the young ladies themselves. She has
more doctrines to 1nculcate for the safety of her
poor ignorant lambs ignorant of the ways OF
this wicked world, than has Calvinistic divine,
and to each OF these innumerable doctrines she
makes more amendments than has lately been
attempted on that marvel Of patchwork, the
Constitution
The M. NJ. is also cairvoyant detective. She
can perceive dhe motives of her daughters gen
tleman visitors at glance. She is sure that all
Mr. A. cares about Julia is the little fortune that
will be left her when it will please the Almighty
to call her husband away. Mr.. b., who is doing
a small business, she knows by the twinkle of
his eye is a rake. She must warn her daughter,
il she. has the least regard Tor that priceless
jewel, her honor, to give him his dimittis. Even
supposing he were TO marry her, which Heaven
forbid he would torture her to death and force
her to commit suicide through jealousy, as he
would always be making love to other women.
Mr. c., however, who is in good business, and
has o rich father is model of a man. Any
woman might feel proud to have the honor of
receiving his attentions. On the day she sees
Julia married to him, she could willingly go
back from the church, disrobe, fold her things
carefully away, and lying on her couch, close
her eyes, and praying, Lord, now lettest Thy
servant depart in peace, since / have seen the
daughter for whom | have toiled and moiled,
worked and striven calculated and manmuvred,
till have often been crazy, married to we'll
TODD man OF good prospects and family close
her weary eyes, and depart from this vale OF
tears.
Julia here asserts that her brother, Albert,
aoquaIlu hinfpd that Mr. N oOnnatiTnae M
tlpsy, and that he was making love to some poor
girl who was his mothers dressmaker. All low
scandals, with not word of truth in them, the
M. M. furiously deClaims. Shouldn't her own
mother know better than a mere boy like
Albert? Boys were always telling stories. Even
If MIR. G. did drink little, she would rather have
her future son-in-law drink like a gentleman
than be grum ill-mannered teetotaller. That
story about the dressmaker is a lie, you may de-
pend on it. Poor girls of low families we're ever
trying to sneak into the good graces of gen.
tlemen, who must always be civil.
Jula's younger sister asserts that Mr.. G. could
not come to see them for two weeks, in conse-
quence Of getting thrashing for having insulted
a glrl in the street when he was tipsy; and when
he did come, there was the mark OF recently
blackeued eye quite visible on his face. Julia
knows the girl he insulted.
Against this circumstantal evidence, the NJ
M. does not try TO advance her battering powers;
but she simply asserts that the best of men act
very strangely at times, and ii her poor igno-
rant, innocent lambs only knew all the troubles
she had with the best of men, their own father,
they would not be so very much astonished
when they neard that young men do odd things
ct times. Men have to be managed if they
would be kept from making fools of themselves
and their families, and when Julia is married to
MIR. c., her doting mother will give her all
necessary instructions. Juiias youngest sister
hints that her Ma is to die on the wedding-day,
and in due time have grand funeral, and on
her ton bstone have an inscription, "Here lies a
devoted mother" "Die ~ calculated the NJ NJ,
land make my daughter go in mourning before
she has had time to go in company and show
all the nice outfit intend to give her You
are crazy. / see you are laughing as your
mother, who is wearing her lite out to settle
you well in life. Leave the ROOM and go up
stars and read your Bible-no, go to the glass
and study how to tinge your cheeks without
letting every one know that you paint your
| nastv sallow skim"
When the n. M. is on a visitingtour, she takes
| occasion to mention the names of all the young
men who visit at her house, and endeavors by
| indirect questioning to discover all concerning
| their prospects, their abilities, their connec
| tions, and whether, above all things, they have
| any money. She thinks that she crossquestions
so adroitly that her object is not apparent. But
/ as every attempt at gaining information ends
| with reference to bank account, or the pro
perty qualifications of the relatives of the sub
| ject ot1nquiry, she cannot deceive other ladies
who, perhaps are on the same tack themselves,
| Thus she proceeds:-"Have you seen Mr.. x
latelyW mo, he has not been to see us fol
some time" 'Indeed, 1 thought he was quite a
| regular visitor here. He called yesterday, and
he looks SO handsome in new walkmg-suit
that thought he had vastly improved. He
| wore aspiendid diamond pin, too. He is getting
| quite beau" Diamond was it q? l thought
he couldn't afford it, unless it was very small.
reduced" The M. NJ. mods acquiescence as il
she knew al about it--as she now does. Silently
| she resolves to warn her Fanny, when she
| goes home, against the deceittul Mr.. x.
| who is acting the gentleman, and trying to ge
into the society of his betters on false pretenses
| The M. NJ. then mentions that she thinks Mr.. Y
| begins to look so shabby in that old dress-coa
I which he must have worn a season, that he
| might at last, if he couldn't do anything better
get credit for new suit She hates to see any
| thing like stlnginess in young men. When they
have wives and families to spend their money
| tor them, IT is time enough for them to be
saving, When her host informs the MN. that
Mr.. Y. is very eccentric, so much so that he
only allows himself five hundred year fol
dress, but that he is very rich, and of family
who have 1alsed themselves from abject povert,
by economy and industry, she makes up he
mind to allow Julia to make dead set at Mr.
| Y, as he knows both how to make money ant
to keep it after ii is made; no foolish ninny VIII
will ruin himself in the endeaVor to keep pac
with other mems extravaganza; one of those
selt-made families, too, that are our country
peculiar boast. The M. NJ. learns, too, that MI
n is OF slcklY family; all his relatives have die
suddenly OF heart disease; that his brother
have made their wives rich young widows in
short time; she thereupon makes q silen
vow that Fanny shall marry Mr. H.; the girl
young, and If she pleases her mother with he
hrst match, she can Cd. W please herself wit
| her second.
When the M. M. has exhausted the informa
ton of her hosts, she makes her adieuX in ques
| OF more intelligence. And finally, she reache
| home, to lecture, scold, threaten, scheme, ms
neuvre, and pass an uneasy night, her slee
disturbed by awful visions OF her daughter
elopng with halfstarved clergymen or out-a
Il plhnuu la