Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-04-24
VT and H3fa2lO7s.

Ueneraiiv speaking, an excuse is q genteel over
coat for q lie. "a
How does the hair dresser end he dovc2 III
cr1rls up and dyes
Why is the letter L like q priceless gem? Be-
cause it's Invaluable
, Why is equity old gentleman like a window ?
Because he is full of pains
Men who fight duels have generally two Sec
onds to 1--we after they are dead
..1 An exchange paper begins forcble appeal-
we Hhlst dun or we must be done,n
How do you define as black as your hat, 9r-
why IL darkness that may be felt'r
a honeymoon is a big sell-a honeycomb is q
Lot OF little cells. There is the difference.
!, 1t is easy to break into an old mans house. for
his gait is broken and his locks are few.
lady dressing table is perhaps called toll
ct because 1t Is there most of her toll performed
Wonder if Moore had the Petroleum fever
when he sighed for some sweet little isle of his
own Va --'
Why does the fool who never laughs, remind
you OF the wisest of men? Because he's a SOL
emn'un.
There was sewing in the time of David for we
cry side.
A faithful printer is like an ardent lover: he
sets up great DEAL and employs an OCCASION
al embrace
Squasher had a long talk with Baptist minis
Ter, ana says he has been troubled with the dip
theory ever since.
:. Why are birds in Spring like banking estab-
llshment? Because they issue promissory notes,
and rejoice when the branches are Furnishing
Jane, has that surly fellow cleared off the snow
from the pavement?' Eyes, sir.' Did he clear
1t off with alacrity, Jane% No, sir; with sbo-
vel"
Peter, my boy, does you understand de sew
enth commandment ?' 'Yaw.' 'Vat is him.
den?, You shall not play ter teyfel NIT your
neighbors ducks''
"Ah, Mr.. Simpkins., we have not chairs enough
for our company" said gay wife to her frugal
husband PLENTY Of chairs, my dear but lit
tie too much company" replied he
poor lrishman, seeing a crowd of people ap-
preaching, asked what was the matter. "a man
is going to be buried "Oh,' he replied. tTll
stop to see that, for carry them to be buried in
our country"
An Irish Immigrant, hearing the sunset gun at
Portsmouth, asked sailor what that p why.
that's sunset was the reply. 'Sunsetp' ex-
claimed Pat land does the sun go down in this
country with such bang as that?'
''It seems to me have seen your physiognomy
somewhere before" said swell to a stranger he
met the other day; sbut cannot imagine where"
Very likely" replied the other. II have been
the keeper Of prison for the last twenty years"
Last weeks Congressional proceedings, are in
teresting; The House.. on Monday, entertained
itself with q bill relating to colored persons
TuesdaEE@the niger. Wednesday-the freed
men. Thursdayathe freedmen,s Bureau. Fri
caucus met, who dined on dead duck
why, Bridget, said lady who wished to raj
ly her servant girl, for the amusement of the COM
pany. upon the fantastic ornamenting of huge
Pray, how did you do it? Indeed, mum, it
was myself that did it, replied Bridget isn't
it pretty? did it with your old false teeth, this
morning, mum u
"Show your tongue" said the doctor. Boy
my good boy let me see your tongue" repeat
''Tallz English, doctor,' said the mother and
then turning to her son, said
''Hopen thy gobler and push out thy lolker"
The mouth flew open and the doctor was terri
bly, taken in"
Young orators, pay attention to the following
majestic overflow of transcendant eloquence
''Gentlemen, my mind naturally converts with
the pleasurable enigmas to the delightful tapestry
of the Oregon Territory. IT'S there that Nature
is than herself, for the soft breezes from the
Hego Islands watts to the listening the varied
symphonies of the jackdaws' sweet carolling, to
the melodious ephipiny of ten thousand crocko-
dlesp'
The subjoined picture of the mutations in the
stream of love may meet with a response from
one of the reserves:
When fellar falls in luv
He duz ware white kid gluv,
And lets the barber scrape his chin,
And wares fashy buzzum pin,
And puts on lots of splendid close,
And wares tte boots onto his tose,
And swells just like sprouting rose
All newly sprung in JOOn;
But if he does the mitten git
When fancy feelings round him fit;
He grows all over melancholer,
And hides behind standing collar.
Two young lawyers-Archy Brown and Thorn
as Jones-were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith S
parlor, and spending an hour or two with his on
ly daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown
and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Mr..
Brown suddenly and in his sweetest tones, struck
out as follows: do you think, Mary, you could
leave father and mother, this pleasant home with
all its and comforts, and emigrate to the far
West with young lawyer, who has little besides
his profession to depend upon, and with him find
a new home, which it should be your joint duty
to beautfy and make beautiful and happy like
this?" Dropping her head softly on his should
er, she whispered. II think could, Archy"-
''Well,' said he, 'there is Tom Jones, who is go
ing to emigrate, and wants to get wife will
mention it to him.
plains of the want of kindly feeling towards Nor
therners among Southern people. He says At
plantation visited the lady owner, who was a
widow, spoke so frequently and bitterly of the
With view of checking the unkind expressions
used in speaking of my people, gently informed
her that I was from the North myself 1t had
its effect for thereafter she made handy use of the
have you any milk ?" mol you Yankees stole
all my cows Boy" said I, turning abruptly
to her son. q lad OF twelve years or more how
old are your Don't know. You damned yam
KEGS stole our bible!' There is no use-you can
not switch them off from that subject.
A very learned and compassionate Judge in
Texas, on passing sentence on John Jones, who
had been convicted of murder, concluded his re-
marks as follows: 1.-THE fact is, JONES' that the
Court did not intend to order You to be executed
before next Spring, but the weather is very cold
our JAIL unfortunately, is in very bad condition
much of the glass in the windows is broken; the
ehimneys are in such dilapidated state that no
fire can be made to render your apartments COM
prisoners, not more than one blanket can be al
lowed to each, to sleep sound and comfortable
therefore, it is out of the question. In considera-
ton of these circumstances and wishing to lesson
your sufferings as much as possible, the Court in
the exercise of its humane compassion, hereby
orders you to be executed tomorrow morning as
soon after breakfast as may be convenient to the
sheriff, and agreeable to YOU