The New era. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1865-1871, 1866-10-25
TIE Natural History of Brides.

the history Of that Indispensable crea-
ture, the bride. We propose in this
article to attempt to show how the
vacuum caused by the forthcomings Of
authors may be supplied by some enter
prising Bohemian.
A bride is the elimination ola mothers
anxiety, and the commencement of a
husbands serious reflections. A mother
looks upon her daughter arrayed as a
bride, as an arrow shot from her house,
hold culver at that butt of female arch
cry, man; and, if the arrow has made
a fair hit, is prone to chuckle over the
SHOT as showing forth her superior mat
ronly skill. If, on the contrary, the
success is doubtful, then the mother, like
a bad archer, blames the arrow, the
luck, any thing, indeed, but her own
bad management.
Brides are divided into numerous
classes. For example; sentimental
brides, who marry for love; speculative
brides, who marry for money; anxious
brides, who marry for the sake of being
married; accommodating brides, who
married because their lovers asked them
to marry unresisting brides, who marry
because their friends desire them to
marry; inquisitive brides, who marry
for curiosity, and invalid brides, who
marry to restore their health.
Sentimental brides are the most nu-
merous, but not the most happy Of the
orange-wreathed tribe They are gene
rally young creatures, who revel i'll
poetical dreams connected with the
Wearer of a love OF a mustache, or the
possessor of q handsome nose, or eN-
pressive eyes, Or an animated doll, who
can make pretty speeches, graceful
bows, or sing q pretty little song. She
takes great pride unto herself because
she married Charlie for his OWE dear
self, and not for his surroundings-un
aware that a mans position in society,
his friends, and even his wealth OF
poverty is as much part of himself
total as the curl of his hair, the song he
sings, the strut he affects, OF even his
education. She generally finds, when
the song is less brilliantly sung, the
mustache requires Christadora, the head
Il wig, and the poetieal speeches are
turned into matter-of-fact imperatives,
that the varnish is rubbed off, the gloss
removed, and Charlie is not the man he
used to be.
The money bride has made herself an
article of merchandise, and is to be
valued according to the price she obtains
for herself She belongs to every con-
dition of society, from her who marries
for social position, horses and carriages,
diamonds, houses, and a bank account,
to the work girl who marries one
room home, and the privilege of only
half-starving on her husbands petty
weekly pittance. She generally reaches
the conclusion that she has'sold herself
too cheap.
The notwithstanding bride looks on the
marriage service as medical prescrlp-
ton, the parson as a doctor, and the
husband as the bolus administered for
her ills-a blue-pill that must be swal-
lowed, however nauseOus. She knows
that she is travelling on the road to
death, yet clinging to life, endeavors to
throw her burden on her lord. Flying
from the embraces of the worm, she is
compelled to accept those of the bride
groom. She merely prefer: to an earthly
dwelling, the marriage chamber to lile
narrow house appointed for all living.
The honeymoon shines through apothe-
cary bottles, and the epithalmium is
coughed in Wheezy periods.
The purchasing bride is generally an
old maid or widow, who, despairing of
being courted for her own sake, seeks a
husband through the medium of her
pecuniary charms. She generally lets
every one know, after marriage, that
she keeps the purse-strings in her own
hands, and the young man-for this
class generally succeed in obtaining
young men-whom she had succeeded
in entrapping is highly and everlasting
ly indebted to her. The experience of
such is usually the conclusion that they
have paid too dearly for their whistle.
The husband desiring bride is, per-
haps, the most composed of all brides,
the least enthusiastic, and the most
likely to be happy. She marries because
it is instinct with her, not because she is
particularly in love. So she is not SO
apt to be troubled with the pangs OF
jealousy, or to suffer from disappoint-
ment, when she discovers that the BRIDE
groom is not much better than the ave-
rage of men after all. Shegoes through
the days of courtship as matter OF
course; wonders at the whims and ca
prices OF sentimental girls; receives and
accepts the Offer O. marriage as, a matter
of course; doDs the bridal attire, and
goes through the whole formula of wed.
ding, ceremonies and unceremOnies, as
a matter OF course; performs all the
duties, and submits to all the little veXa
t;D,r of roorrio6 1ifn ga q matter nj