Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1866-04-26
The SORROWS of n Lecturer,

The sorrows of n Lecturer.
For the benefit of a numerous class of am
bilious men who aspire to become popular
lecturers, | send you a few items of my ex
perience. | went to Southern Illinois to get
started as a lecturer. | told my hotel keeper
that it was my first effort in the lecture line,
that did not care for money if | only could
get started. | was unfortunate on that oc.
casion either on my subject or my audience.
My subject was 1.-The urgent necessity for
immediate revival and thorough re-organi
cation of the Know Nothing Party. " My
audience were all Irish. | got started.
Being advertised by the nom de plume of
tie Fat Contributor, " my audience is
sometimes disappointed in the size Of the
lecturer. Such was the case in a Town |
visited in Minnesota, last summer. My au
suddenly and severely indisposed-they
were Ipdisposed to come to the lecture. Ny
audience in fact consisted of one people
He was a gentleman. | hogan my discourse,
Gentleman and Ladies', but changed
quickly to Respected Sir! Before |
could proceed any further, my audience
arose Indignantly to his feet as one man.
inquired the cause of the interruption.
"Sir," no cried, 1.-THE audience is dis
appointed in the size of the lecturer.
well. my dear sir, " said l, 1.-THE lee
turer is disappointed in the size o! his au-
diencc, and if you will not say anything
about the size | won't.
He allowed me to proceed, aud at the
conclusion was so well pleased that he urged
me to stay another night, when he promised
me a much larger audience. He could not
come himself, but would send his wife, who
weighed $50 pounds. l didn't stay.
l have had a good deal Of money in my
houses at one time and enthusiastically in
the pockets Of some wealthy men in the audi.
ence. | always come home with money how
ever; ! borrow some to come with.
L have had some large houses. The largest
house that | had was at Louisville. Ken.
lucky. That house must have been two
hundred feet long, ninety feet wide, while
in height, it came pretty high-took all the
receipts to pay the rent. A Louisville editor
said a good thing about me. lilo said:
1.-The Fat Contributor lectured last night
to a small house. His style resembles Ar
temus Wards, but he has not the ease and
grace of Artemus before an audience. " As
though a lecturer could be at his ease be-
fore an audience that would MT pay expen-
ses. His grace accompanies meat, and there
was but pIOut cuuuRu III tHC hOuSC W guy
meat where is your graceP
He said, in conclusion, that | could i'm
prove with practice, if | had capital enough
to continue practice. And this, 10 the-ac.
knowledged fact, that l had a capital lecture.
The fullest house l have had was at Pit
hole City, in the oil regions. Every man
who came in was full of beer. The lecture
went off we'll, Notwithstanding.
1t didn't go off so well as my door keeper
did-he went off with the receipts.
| gave two consecutive lectures at Oil
City. At the conclusion Of the second
lecture one of the first citizens (the second
had not yet arrived) arose and assured me
that | had delighted them greatly. They
said they had not enjoyed themselves so
much since the Thayers wero hung. He
added that il was the request Of the au.
dience en- masse altogether that | should
stay another night. The landlord of the
inn where | was stopping arose somewhat
hastily and stated that | could not stay an
other night with him. unless my bill was
secured. Such Is to mo the encouragement
that genius receives at tho hands of the
mercenary.
A little town on the Allegheny turned out
we'll. The principal occupation of the in.
habitants was to haul oil. That being the
only haul they had, 1 lectured in a grocery.
The people turned out in the most extraor.
binary manner; they turned out the lights
then they turned out the lecturer--be.
cause he wasn't fat enough. They gave me
twenty minutes 10 leave town. told them
that II they'd make il twenty dollars I'D 20.
At the termination of the twenty minutes
! felt something come against me very rapid
ly from behind. My first impression was
that il was an old fashioned leather valise,
Subsequent reflection has convinced me that
IL was a boot. / shook hands with them all,
with much feeling. ! told them they must
excuss ne, for | felt that | had to COL
Leaving sosaeELat hastily, | caught the
sound Of voices ia that grocery, singing in
tones of tho most pathetic inquiry.T
"shall we never more hehoid thee,
Never hear thy winning voice again"
/ yelled back that they woulda't-noti II I
could help it. That winning voice didn't
win IN that neighborhood.
A friend advised mo to 20 twice 10 the
same place. He said | might only pay ex.
penses the first time, tho next time il would
be different 1t was to BE- sure I only paid
expenses the first time, but yet tho second
time didn't. l tried my agents. They
proved unsatisfactory with one exoeption.
he never asked for money. He never al
luded to money tu once. Said be TO me
ono day "
You don't care for money, do YOU" .
mo. indeed" said L.
thought not, said he. II never saw
you have q cent"
J. humor him in these harmless ilisht
flights Of wit. You may hear from me
agaiam; ~