The Van Buren press., 1866-11-23

an honest account Of thsi, proceedings al.
home, so far as they related to the bill.
The mex, morning Walker and Brown
were early at their posts, but it was some
time before Watson made his appearance.
Walker began FIRST: r.. lI
You see, when entered my house the
candle was out, and the fire gave hut
glimmer Of light. and came near walking
into pot Of batter that the pancakes were
to be made Of in the morning. My wife.
who was dreadfully out Of humor. said to
me. sarcasticslly:
Bill do you put your foot in the batterN
Just as you say. Maggie, said l. and
without the least hesitation l put my foot
into tho batter and went to bod
Next. Joe Brown told his story:
Ny wife had already retired in our usual
sleeping room. which adjoins the kitchen,
and the door Of which was jar; not being
able to navigate perfectly, you know l
made dreadful clsttering among the house
hold furniture, and my wife. in no very
pleasant tone, bawled out:
do break tile p0rrldge pot!
No sooner said than done. l seized h old
Of the bale of the pot, and striking it
against the chimney jam. broke it into
hundred pieces. After this exploit / re
tired to rest, and got curtain lecture all
night for my pains.
ltwas now Tim. Watson's time to give
IN account Of himself. which he did with a
very long fscs Is follows:
My wife gave me the most unlucky COM
msud in the world; for l was laundering
up stairs in the dark when she cried out.
DO break your neck-lo. Tim
I'll be cussed if / do, Kate said / az
gathered myself up, I'll sooner pay the
bill u
And so. landlord. here's the cash for y ou,
and this is the last time I'll risk FIVE dol.
lars on the commsnd Of my WIFE,
"A very devout aud pious deacon, who
sold coal, told his servant girl in early fall
TO hang wet dish cloth out Of the window,
aud the first morning that she found it
frozen to report to him. A swapping Oc-
tober morning, the cloth was found frozen
the girl entered the breakfast room and re.
ported to the CO con, who was Just ready
TO enter into his family devotions; he imme.
-diately replied raising his eyes skywsrd
Lord. help the poor! must rise on coal
to-day. Let us pray" ID
"A Scotchman went to LAWYER once
for advice. and detailed the circumstances
of the case. "Have you told me the facts
precisely as they occurred" said the law.
yer. 80, ay, sir. rejoned he; / thought
it best to tell ye the truth; you can put lies
into it yoursef!"
-"Were you guarded in your conduct
while in New York;" said Q father to a
his son, who had just returned home from
his visit to the city. Eyes, cir, part Of the
time by two policemen" =" - = 'o
The late John Van Buren, was not.
Cd, like Fall Staff. for an "infnite iest."
As sn instance Of his wit, it is told Of him
that he wss once angrily accosted by a
suitor whose case he had overthrown, with
II believe, sir. you would take fee from
the greatest Scoundrel on earth" "Softly
my dear sir" half whispered Van Buron,
with well affected concern; walk aside with
me it you please. Now, SIR" presenting
his ear to the man, "te! me what YOU
have been doing!' -.
----A young lady. with m ind intent
on shopping, entered . store, few days
since. aud addressing the fresh,looking,
rosy checked youth. desired to know if he
had any nice silk hose. "Certainly, miss"
replied he. and Immediately the counte r
was st,ewn with the delicate article. "How
high DO they come, sir?' The clerk
blushcd. and turned all sorts Of colors, but
spoke not word. She gave him a look
OF surprise. and repeated her question:
Again the youth stammered, aud said:
Really, miss. THAT is to say-I think
could not be positive-but my impres.
sionis, they come just above tie Knee" f
Gen. Sherman hits of a few "brsve''
men Is follows 1T is amusing to observe
how brave and firm men become when all
danger is past. Ihsve noticed on the fields
OF battle brave men never insult the csptur.
ed or mutilate the dead; but the towards
and braggarts always do. Now, when The
rebellion in our land is dead, many Fall.
stats appear. to brsndish the evidence O
their valor. and seek to win applause ant
to appropriate honors for deeds that neve
were done"
An old lady. looking at the curiosi
ties IN museum, came to . couple Of sea
dogs. aud sltsr gazing at them with won
der, inquired ofs way who stood near
they barksd. 'No. madam says th
wag, their bark is on the sea-" g
---Msks yourself good man. and thel
you may be sure that lhcre 10 one rasca
iesA in The world. aamfri.