The New era. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1865-1871, 1866-12-13
RULES FOR COUNTING,
BY JOHN QUILL.


herewith, to lay down some definite
rule for the guidance of my young
friends. You see, I had a good many
unsuccessful courts before / met my
present wife-the females whom loved
having gone emphatically back on me.
But bless you, did it harm me? No, it
didn't; was benefited thereby, and
when l met my present love, l knew
the ropes, and gathering up my affec-
tons, made one fell swoop on Sally's
heart, and the door thereof banged wide
open and let me in. 1 will give you the
rules, and shed the sunny light of illus
LIST. Never 60 counting the girls pa
rents. You'd better edge up to the
charmer herself at once, for you can't
marry her, if you try, unless she wants
you, and you may be able to even If the
old folks are hard on YOU.
This is the policy pursued by myself
| in my last attempt.
I'd. By all means get the girls ma as
much down as you can. If the old lady
is always blowing against you, the little
dear begins to take your part, and can't
help loving you.
! did this way, and my present moth
er-in-law used to throw brooms and
wash-boards at me, and teach the dog to
bite me. N. B.-She's got over it now,
and lives at my house without paying
board. If remorse fosters in her soul in
consequence of her conduct, however, l
haven't noticed it yet.
Sd. If you see any other fellows proWl-
ing around always euchre them if you
can. If you see one of them buying
tickets for the opera, go right up and
make an engagement with the girl, and
get your tickets afterwards. And when
they visit the house always act as if you
were at home and they We're only visit
ors, and neuer leave first.
always did this, and have frequently
sat until daybreak, while the fair one
snored away on the sofa. You can't
bluff me. No, sir. Fla ha! L guess
not. | would have been there yet, if
the fellow had staid.
4th. If the old man has worldly
wealth, express a dislike of greenbaeks,
and a hankering after love in small
house.
5th. If you are alone in the parlor you
may sometimes try whether your arm
fits we'll on her waist.
I tried this once and called forth a
piercing scream, which induced her
heavy father and two brothers to chuck
me down the front steps. So be careful.
9th. When you inquire if she will
have you, don't fall on your knees-it's
ridiculous, besides being rough on tfoW-
sers. Just take her hand and speak out
like man.
behaved similarly to this toa female,
and said = Will you be mine:o She
replied, rather abruptly, " Not much, [
WON'T 1t is likely she would have
been; little, but | didn't care about
pursuing the subject further.
18th. When you are engaged, don't go
Off like an old jackass, and begin buying
1t is unWise, and eXcites comment.
Why, l recollect, | was so glad that l
went right off and purchased baby
jumper and a gum ring. 1t was long
while ere these things were necessary,
and then the baby-jumper had shrunk
so that when we put the first of the little
Quilts into it, it suddenly jerked up, and
came frightfully near battering the de-
voted child's brains out against the cell
ing; while the gum ring, having been
kept in a box with cockroach poison,
threw the baby into fits, and he had
spasms in the crib for four days. 1t was
dreadful.
Sth. If girl refuses you, don't give
1t up, but try again. Because two mega
tives make an affirmative in grammar;
HOWCNCI, Ooil NOioluSi SouAoSAA stS7
cepted when girl jilts you twice.
I asked one female torty-one times,
and at last she got to expect it whenever
l came, and sometimes would hollef out
mol" from the top of the stairs before
| I got fairly in the house. This is un-
usual, however, let me here remark.
9Th. Kiss all the little children i'll a
house, even il they are dirty, and do
smear molasses candy through your
hair. Let the boys play horse with you,
/ and make a fool of you generally. This
always works. It's II trump card, if
you play it right.
10th, and finally. If there are two
sisters, and the old one is jealous, get
some OF your friends to choke her Off,
while you go in for the younger.
| did that once, and used to get my
friends to ask the senior girl out every
evening, but she found me out, and
used to arrange hair pins in the sofa
cushions before she went out, SO that it
WAS extremely uncomfortable.
Thus it will be seen that when court
ing is alluded to. am right there, and
if any further information is wanted,
send me IA letter, enclosing stamp
fifty cents,) and will cheerfully give
it gratis.