The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1866-01-23
Artemus Ward.

distinguished aUtnoT, WTltttH ny hiho''' =
altogether worthy of his genius:
DR. SIR,-Yrs, into which You ask me- 10
send You sum leadin incidents IN my NE, 50
You can write my Bogfry for the papers, t v"
dooly to hand. hav no doubt that u ~ me- NC
onto my life. Srammattycaliy JerKe,a IN" - The
perly puncktooated would De Il aao' ION y
choiS hteratoor OF the day :, ,.orr
To the yooth of Ameriky ii womb " W..
able as shown how high pinnykie Oh TN ny =
man reach who cominenst MS cal Vs ,,.h;ch
a small canvas tent and q pea-green OK, when
he rubbed IL off while scratching ms sen .sin
the center pole, causin, in Railway, y. >,
discriminatin mob 10 say humbngs womo hos
so down in them village. Inc OK resoo'he"
agricultooral pursoots shortly afterwards.
I next tried my hand At giSin BIND man
concerts, appearin as the poor DIM n. =.
myself But the infamus cuss VINO hireo "
lead me round towns in the day time 10 ea a,
sympathy drank feely of spiritoous Hcker
nnbaknowns 10 me one day, y whlle unueJ
them infiooance he led me into the cnnai
had TO either tear the green Danalee i.oat ~
eyes or be drownded. l tho't I'd restore my
eye-sight M, I,1;.or
kinder smooth 'em over. speak OF ehi as
eccentrissities OF genius.
NV next yentur would hav bin 4 success IL
hadn't tried 10 do too much. got up series
of wax 1iggers and among others, one vi ooci ',
ties. tho't a wax hgger OF Old SOCK Woulu
be poplar with eddycated peple: but uhioItu
nately put q brown linen duster and u. >.
Army regulation cap on him, when peple
with classycal eddycations said 1t was farce
This enterprise was onfortnit IN other respeks.
At a certain town advertised 4 wax HgSer VI
the Hon BILE Amos Perkins, who was rail-
road president, and II great person IN 1hem
parts. But it appeared had shown inc S'lic
figger for n pirut named Gibbs Ill tiiat Town
the preyis season, which created II intense 100
multi the audience remarked SHAME ONO
me-" other sentiments of the same simliar-
ness. l tried TO mollify en-. tolo EN- 'haI
any family possessin children might nave my
1x,itl 4, h.Ylf " Il
charge 'em cent: but alare IL was oi no
avail. was forced 10 leave and INFER from
a article in the Advertiser of that town, IN
which the editor says, "Altho' time mas sii-
yered this mans he'd with its frosts, he still
braZenly wallows in infamy. Still are ms
snakes stuffed and his wax works unreliable
We are glad that he has concluded never 10
revisit our town, altho incredible as II may
appear, the fellow really did contemplate so
doing last summer, when, true To the craven
instincts of his black and craven heart, ne
wrote the hireling knaves of the obscure Jour,
nal across the street to know what they Would
charge for 900 small bills, to be done on yellow
paper. We shall recur TO this matter again.
judge by this that there is stiila feelh lei'
against me in that picturesk village
willno speak of the time when, helh I'D
straigtened circums tances, let myself to sab
bath school pie mics 10 sing ballads adapted 10
children understandings, accompanying myseii
ON the clairouet: but one day forgot where
was singin ins,id OF 'Oh, how pleasant TO nc
4 little child
Rip snap set EN- up again.
Right in the middle OF three cent PIE,
which mistake, added to Ne fact that couldn'
play onto the claironet except making ii howl
dismal broke up the pic mic, and children s:slu,
in voices choked with sobS ana elnotiohS, Whttf
was their home and where was their pa ahui
said TO be quiet, dear children, am your pa,
which made q young woman Win TWO tWinS
nv her side say amgrily, - Good heavens IOfDlu
that YOU should ever be- the pr of any OF these
innocent ones, unless ii is much desirable 10
expire igminy"siy upo" 10 a murderer
say l will not speak of this. Let 1t be
berrid into oblivyun
what sort of Il man am.
If Won see fiji TO kriticise my Show, speak
YOUR mind freely. l do not object to criticism
Tell the public in Il candid and graceful arllTie
that my shows abounds in moral and startin
curiosities, any one one OF "hom l. ""'"
bubble the price of admission
hav thus far spoke Of myself exclusively us
a exhibitor. ..
I was born in the State of Maine Of parents
Al infant attracted great deal of atten-
ton The nabers would stand over my cradle
for hours and say, = How bright that little
face looks? How much it nosei' The young
ladies would carry me round on their arms,
sayin was .'mnZzers beZzy darhh' alu =
sweety, eety title ting II was nice, though
wasn't old enouii 10 properly appreciate IL.
I'm a healthy old darling now.
have alters sustained q good moral charac-
i
Altho in early life did not inva bly, eontne
myself to truth in my small bills, have been
gradooally CROWN reSpectabler and rcSpecta-
bier every year. luv my children, ana never
mistake another mans wife for my own III
not member of any mectin house, out nrms
bleeye in meetin houses and shouldh leei
safe 10 take Il dose of laudnnm ana lay doWn
in the streets of village that hadn any, WIN
q thousand dollars in my vest pocket:
MY temperament is bilious, altho doh
owe a dollar in the world.
/ am q early riser, but my VIE Is q irespy
terrain. may add also that am bald headed.
keep two cows
I liy In Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door
nabcr Is Old Steve Billins. I'll tell you little
story about Old Steve that will make you larf
He fined the church last spring, and the minis
ter said, "You must go home now, Brother
Billins, and erect family altar In your
house - whereupon the egreJs old ass went
home and built regular pulpit in his seltin-
room He had the jiiners in his house over four
days.
lam SC (J6l years of age. Time with its re-
lent less scythe, is ever busy. The old Sexton
gathers them in, he gathers them in! keep
pig this year.
I don't think of any thing more, MIR. Ed ter.
II you should give my portrait in connection
with my Bogrify, please have me engraved
In n languishin, attftood, leanin on a marble
pillar leaving my back hair as il is now.
Trooly yours,
ARTIars WARD.
AxRcpoTE OF SIDNEY JonSsToS. NJ W.