Dallas herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1849-1873, 1866-01-27
Bill Arp to Artemus Ward

D j p "
ihe only man | know N all God =
country, So cdlIcl, ForRum several
weeks l have been wantin to say
sunthin. For sum several years we
rcbs, so called, but now late of scd
country deceased, hav bin tryin
mighty hard to do sunthin. We
didn't quite do it, and now its very
painful, assure you, tn dry up all
ov q sudden and make out like we
wasn't thar,
NV friend, | want tn say sunthin.
| spose there is no law agin thinkin,
but thinkin don't help me. 1t don t
let down my thermometer. | must
explode myself generally so as tu
feel better. You see I'm tryin tn
harmonize. I'm tryin tn sofen
down my feclins. I'm endevorin to
subiugate myself to the level of sur
roundin circumstances, so cdHed.-
But / can't do it until | am allowed
tu say sunthin. l want tn quarrel
with sumboddy and then make
friends. / aint no giant-killer. L
aint no Norwegian bar. ! aint no
boarconstriktur, but I'll be horn
swoggled if the talkin and the writin
and slanderin has got to boeall done
on one side any longer. Sum of
your folks hav got tu dry up or turn
our folks loose. It's blamed out
rage, so called. Amt your editers
got nuthin tn do but to peck at us,
and to squib at US, and to crow over
us &? Is evry man what kin write n
paragraf to consider us bars in =
cage, and be always q jobbin at US
to hear us growl ? Now you see, my
friend, that's whats disharmonious,
and do you just tell EN-, one and all, ,
+ Pluribus Unum, so called, that if
they don't stop it at once or turn lis
loose to say what we please, why We
rebs, so called have unanimously
and jointly and severally resolved
to-to--think very hard Of it, if
not harder.
That's the way to talk it. | aint
a gwine to commit myself. l know
when to put on the brakes. l Amt
4 gwine to say all think, like Mr..
Ethridge, or Mr. Adderig, so called.
Nary time. No sir. But I'll jest
tell you, Artemus, and you may tell
it to your show; if we aint allowed
to express our sentiments, we can
take itin hatin. and hatin runs heavy
in our family shore. I hated man
so bad onct that all the har cum off
my he'd, and the man drowned his-
self il hogwaller that night. /
kould do it agin, but you see I'm
tryin to harmonise, to acquiesce, to
belSum kahn and screen.
Now ] spose thatpertil1ally speak
ing
"In Diris's fall,
We sinncd all"
But takin the way I see it, big
feller, and little teller, so called,
got into fite, and they fout and
fout and fout for long time, and
cvry boldly all round KEEP hollerin
hands off, but KEEP helpin the big
feller, until finally the little feller
caved in and hollered enuff. He
had made a bully fite | tell you, Sc
lah. Well, what did the big feller
do? Take him by the hand and
help him up, and brush the dirt off
his clothes2 Nary time! No sir
But he kicked him arter he was
down. and throwd mud on him, and
drug him about and rubbed sand in
his eyes, and now he's gwine about
huntin up his poor little property.
Wants to confiscate it so Called
Blame my jacket. if it aint enuff to
make your head swim.
But I'm q good Union man so
called, I aint a gwine to fite no
more. I shant vote for the next
war. / aint no gurilla. I've TUX
the oath, and I'm gwino to keep it;
but as fur my being subjugated and
humilyated, and amalgamated, and
enervated, as Mr.. Chase says, it aint
so-nary time. aint ashamed Of
nuthin-neither aint repentin, aint
akin for no one horse, short winded
pardon. Nobody needn't be playin
priest around me. / aint got no
twenty thousand dollars. Wish l
had; I'd give it to these poor wild
ders and orfans. I'd fatten my own
numerous and interestine offspring
in about two minits and q half
They shouldn't cat roots and drink
branch water no longer. Poor un-
fortunit thingsl to come into this
subloonary world at such time
Thars four or five ov en- what new
er saw a sirkis nor monkey show
never had a pocket knife, nor .
peace ov cheese, nor a resun. Thar
is Bull Run Arp, and Harper's Ferry
Arp and Chickahominy Arp, that
never seed the picturs in a spellin
book. l tell you, my friend, we are
the poorest people on the face of the
earth-but we are poor and proud.
We made bully ite, Selah and the
hole Amerikin nation ought to feel
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