Weekly Calaveras chronicle., 1866-07-28
How my Appetite was Spoiled at a
Pic-Nic.

Pic-Nic
Pm married man I've been mar
ried man three years, and am the father
of two young hopefuls.
My wife is very jealous of my atten
tion to other ladies, especially young la
dies, and many -times have l suffered
for my gallantry to the fair sex.
The summer after our marriage some
of my acquaintances got up party fol
the Is 'ands, and | got an invitation tC
attend with my wife | knew that if
took her along with me l should rot en-
Joy myself, SO just before the time ap
POINTED | coaxed her to go on a visit tG
her parents.
The day of the picnic arrived, and 6
beautiful day it was. We started about
s o'clock in the morning, and in two OIL
three hours arrived at our destination
Among the one hundred guests pres
ent, there were many pretty girls, tc
several of whom l tried to play the
amiable, but l could hardly fnd any one
to whom l could act the gallant long
What had l done to deserve all this
For the moment l could imagine the
cause. 1t is true, that when l arrived
at the place of meeting in the morning
alone, there were good many inquiries
in regard to Mrs. Wages, but silenced
them all by stating that she had gone
on visit to her parents.
+, Some busy bodies had heard these re-
marks, and circulated them freely, SC
whenever | made up to pretty dam.
sci, it would not be long before such re.
marks as, "A married man trying to i'm.
pose on u.s. and others were whispered
around.
There was one among the rest who-
Judged to be beautiful to understand
the expression Judged, you must know
that she continually wore her veil down
She had such beautiful feet and hands
that l fell rapturously in love with them
and tried to kiss them (the h nds ]
mean) two or three times, but she al
ways managed to elude me, without ut
tering a word. She was escorted by
my friend John Pinkney, or as be was
familiarly called, Jack Pinkeye.' |
tried to get an introduction to the fair
incognita, from him, but all to no avail
he giving as an excuse, that she did
not want to become acquainted with a
rude, shock headed fellow like me. |
Mr.. Charles Frederick Waggs, to be
called that by an impertinent huzzy
1, rude, shock headed fellow I'd never
suffer that to pass uurexenged. Nc
stree, not by a jugfull. But was to
suffer something more terrible than that
before the day had passed.
after a great deal of bowling and
scrapiug, at last got acquainted with a
young lady with golden hair, vulgarly
called red or carrot, who accepted me-
| suppose for want of better, although
[ was married man.
1t was nearly time for dinner the
ladies we're spreading the table-cloth on
the grass and depositing the eatables
thereon, the sight of which made my
mouth water. l was conversing sweetly
with my companion, seated under 0
tree. with my arms around her slender
waist, my eyes were ravaging the dain.
ties on the cloth, and at last they rested
on dish Of strawberries.
Looking from them to my companion
I noticed that she had very beautiful
mouth, just like large ripe berry, and
as l could not get the berries just then,
1 thought there would he no harm in
tasting the nectar of my companion S
lips, SO taking her lovingly around the
neck, l took smackiug kiss, and that
tasting so sweet, l was about to take
another, when I felt hand taking a
good hold of my hair, my head was
forcibly inclined towards my companion
who met me with a laundering knock
that made me see stars from the end of
my nose. rom which the claret began
to flow freely. In the meantime !
heard the words "villain," "huzzy,' %
and others uttered in female voice. /
sprang to my feet, when who should
see before me but the incognita with the
beautiful hands and feet.
eyes, look" said she, as l stared at
her in open mouthed astonishment "look
and | shall show you something more
astonishing still. Do you know me
now ?" and with these words she took
off her veil
Oh ye gods and little fishes there
in her glorious fury stood my darling (?)
wife, shaking with suppressed anger.
"And this is the way you treat your
wife, is it" said she, "and your law
fully welded wife, too, to go round
sporting and enjoying yourself with a
thing like that?'' At this phase of the
proceedings l took the ends of my coat
tails and crammed them into my ears.
When she saw that she could do
nothing more to me, she turned on my
innocent companion and gave her lee
ture of no common sort. Then taking
me by the collar of my coat, she led me
like lamb to the slaughter toward the
boat where she put me into stateroom
and kept watch over me till we arrived
home again. l might not have submit
ted to this, but l had No desire to min
gle again among the party, knowing
that would be ridiculed and laughed
at. The end of the affair was, that my
wife was indisposed for mouth, l had
to nurse her all the time, received half
a dozen Caudle lectures, aud always
took my wife along to parties.
1 io1r and hoobo