Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-11-20


1t is never too late to mend,'' as the lady
said when mending socks at midnight.
The art of bookkeeping taught in one short
and easy lesson Never lend them.
Song of the cartridges in September-would
[ warn't a bird.
Weak vessels need much hopping is the la
test excuse for crinollne.
Prentice says Butler makes war as boys sleep
in cold weather-spoon fashion.
What are domestic magazines? Wives who
are always blowing up their husbands.
Twas bright, twas heavenly, but tbs passed,
the boy said of his last sixpence.
When is the best time to read the book of
nature? When autumn turns the leaves.
Punch says women first resorted to tight la
cling to prove to men how well they could bear
squeezing.
Why is washerwoman like Saturday? Be-
cause she brings in the clothes (clOse) OF the
week.
A modest minister out West marries Tor. a
drink of whisky, dozen eggs, and the first kiss
of the bride.
What is that which no one wishes to have,
yet when he has it would be very sorry to lose
it? A bald head.
''There are ties which should never be sew
ered,' as the ill-used wife said when she found
her brute of husband hanging in the hay-loft
II think / now see lecture in this case, -
as the lawyer said when his client informed him
that he had plenty of money.
Marriage" said an unfortunate husband,
is the graveyard Of love-. Yes, and you
men are the grave diggers,'' said his spouse.
"How odd it is, said Pat, as he trudged
along on foot one hot, sultry day, that man
never meets cart going the same way ne is.
General Buffers long practice in defending
criminals has given him great advantage In pro-
tecting his own character.
A western paper says that the grasshoppers
have destroyed everything in the. Deer Lodge
Valley except the ''grassWldows.
The Philadelphia Age compares Gen. Butler
to a common felon. !" Great heavens! what
can the uncommon ones be.
Jones thinks that instead of giving credit to
whom credit is due, the cash had better be
paid There is as much truth as wit IN this.
To go to bed early and dream that you have
more money than you want, and wake up IN the
morning and find yourself only an editor, is SAID
to be provoking.
A clergyman consoling widow on the death
of her husband, remarked that she could not
find his equal Il don't know about that, "
said the sobbing fair one, but LII try. "
Why is a newspaper like tooth brush BE
cause every man should have one of his own,
and not borrow his neighbors.
my son, were you guarded in your conduct
while In New York Yes, sir, part of the
time by two policemen"
"Bobby, why dom you go home and have
your mother sew up that hole in your pants =
''Oh, go along, old woman, our folks are at the
sewing circle, working for the heather.
A lady seeing drunken man in the gutter,
said she was afraid he was dead Pat, who had
been near enough to smell his breath, exclaim-
ed: Faith, and [ wish Ihad half hisdisease. y
An exchange, recording the fall of deacon
in the river, says ''It is wonder he escaped
with his life. Prentice says: ''Wouldn it
have been still greater wonder if he had es-
capped without it ?''
A traveller in Montana relates that in some
of the streams the speckled trout are so raven
Gus that they bite at anything. He says that
they even followed him into the woods and bit
at his spurs as he rode along.
''Why are so few convicts in the Michigan
penitentiary this year," asked Sans friend a
day or two since. 'sWhy," said Sam, ''they
send them by the Pontiac Railroad, and their
time expires before they get there.
An old lady, looking at the curiosities in a
museum, came to a couple of sea-dogs, and af-
ter gazing at them with wonder, inquired of a
wag who stood by, if they barked mo, mad
am, says the wag, 'stheir bark is on the sea. y
An Ohio editor has recently had fine shirt
collar presented to him and is now waiting for
some one to give him shirt so that he may be
able to put the collar to some use, saying that
at present it is a perfect superfuity.''
Il say, boy, is there anything TO shoot about
here 7! inquired a-sportsman Of boy he met.
well, was the reply, nothing just about here;
but the schoolmaster is down the hill yonder-
you can pop him over.
A poverty stricken Frenchman being aroused
by his wife one night with the cry: p'sGet up
Jacques, there is robber in the house. calm
~ answered: Hush! don't let us disturb him.
Let him ransack the house, and if he finds any
thing. OF value, we Il get up and take it away
from him."
Say. Billy, what have you done with that
ar sorrel mar of yourn p
''Sold her, said William with smile of sat
isfaction.
''Wet'd you get p
Humid d an fifty dollars cash down.
How Humid d an fifty dollars for that old
kicking, SPAWN critter? Who'd you sell top
Sold her to mother 7"
That eccentric preacher, Lorenzo Dow, was
once stopping at hotel in New York, kept by
man named Bush. Among the guests was a
Gen. Root. They occasionally made themselves
merry at Lorenzo expense. One day General
Root began upon him thus "Mr. Dow, YOU
tell me great deal about heaven Now, [
want you to tell me plainly what sort of place
Heaven is. /" With imperturable gravity the
preacher replied: Heaven, gentlemen, is a
smooth, rich, fertile country; there isn't bush
or a root IN it, and there never will be- The
Root and Bush subsidized, and Mr. Dow WASH It
further troubled
A tea party without scandal is like a knife
without handle
Words without deeds are like husks without
seeds
Features without grace are like clock with
out face
A land without laws is like cat without
claws
A man without wife is like fork without
a knife
A woman without man is like handle
without pan.
A quarrel without fighting is like thunder
without lightning.
Comforts Of an Editor.
IF he does not ell his paper with news of i'm
portance, whether there is any Or not, it is con-
demned for not being what it purports to be
a newspaper.
If he does not fill up one column every week
with something laughable, his folio is pronoun-
ced undressing
Is If public nuisance should exist, notice of it
would offend; and failure to notice would be