Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1866-02-08
From the Saturday Press.
How to Keep a Hotel.

From the Saturday Press.
How to Keep a Hotel.
Having travelled considerably in my
time, have thought some brief suggestions,
short perhaps of a perfect manual on the
subject, might be useful.
First, don't call it a tavern, or an inn. mr.
hotel even.
Call it House, and name it after some
great capitalist, big Indian, or Saint
:" MortonPeto House." or "Whoop-de-
Doodle House," or est. Bob-o-Link Houses"
that sounds well, and will take the travel
ler's ear.
Nothing is so vulgar as to court bagmen's
and traders custom, as you will seem to do
by naming your establishment ssMer-
chants or "City," or Commercial
These suggest second class affair at
once.
Be sure and establish an immense bar
ber's shop on the ground foort
1t causes grateful odor of he Balm Of
Thousand Flowers and Night Blooming
Cereus to pervade the atmosphere, and
effectually subdues and overcomes other
and less agreeable smells, as for instance
cockroaches and cookery.
Ifyou can hire an Irishman cheap enough,
let one man do nothing but swab the mar
bic hall with greasy water all day long; it
conveysan idea Of cleanliness tothe guest 10
at night, when few are about, it is OF little
consequence.
l said ''guests," and here is q point you
should by no means neglect.
Be careful in speaking of your dodgers,
in printed notices and the like, to use that
term. ~
It is refined, and puts them on their good
behavior at once ~
Procure we'll dressed clerk with curly
black hair, if possible, to stand at the desk,
and by all means insist ON his wearing dia-
monds.
Seedy visitors will take no liberties with
such ms 4.
When traveller comes in, he is not to
notice him for the space of five minutes at
least; it puts the obligation at once where it
belongs.
You may take him in, not he you.
It is an excellent device to have the num-
bers Of your chambers reversed from the
old plan, !. e., let them begin to count from
the roof. .eEs itia f#t1.i
Thus when q guest sees the clerk put
G No. 10,' for instance, opposite his name
on the register, he departs satisfied, and is
| too much exhausted and cowed by the time
he discovers it's whereabouts to make any
complaint. 4 }ah
Instruct your clerk that it is not his bust
ness to know anything about departing
trains and steamboats,.
| Also, if your House happens to be in q
country town, to add 81 a day invariably to
all New Workers. bills.
| IL Z
otherwise.
When a guest has paid his bill and is
about to depart, let the clerk ask cheerily,
(Which way do you go, Mr.. Robipson?''
Some persons are so easily imposed upon,
that the extraordinary fact of highly be-
dizened clerks knowing their names two
minutes after reading them on the register
| tickles them tremendously.
In regard to the dining-room, you cannot
have too impudent an Irishman as head
waiter.
1t should be his duty when guest enters
the room. no matter how empty it may be.
to take him in convoy and make hiln walk
the entire length of it before assigning him
seat.
1t not only serves TO impress the grandeur
of the apartment upon him, but invariably
disconcerts bashful men, so that they devour
their meals meekly and make no trouble
some requests.
Ladies should be served in the same way
for exactly contrary reasons.
1t affords them a good opportunity to dis
play their clothes, and puts them in good
humor.
Let the sexes be kept religiously apart
while feeding, unless in case of husband
and wife.
Married men travelling alone will suffer
so much from the dearth Of female society,
that next time they will probably bring
their wives.
1t will scarcely be necessary to make any
suggestions in regard to extra charges in
the bills, as they will naturally occur to the
feeblest of landlords.
You should always, however, charge for
fire in winter in every room that has con-
veniences for it, and if demonstrated with,
rely that it is "rule of the House," and
the guest might have had it.
This phrase you will find of immense
service ON all sorts of occasions.
Let all your employees be particular to
style the hotel omnibus "coach," and
gents wife his "lady."
These little elegancies cost nothing, and
g1lu the surface OF lie Immensely.
Procure the largest Chinese gong you can
find, to awaken your guests in the morning
and call them to meals.
They will conclude that your House is a
stunning affair.
A negro will probably beat it more thor
oughly than white man.
Also, on the counter in the Office, keep an
immense hammer-bell.
A judicious clerk will produce a very
humbling effect upon modest guest by
striking it rapidly four or five times when
he is asking absurd questions.
Follow these suggestions carefully, and
you will go far to prove the truth of Emer
sons aphorism that "trayel is the FOOLS
paradise" ROBINSON.