The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1866-06-21

rived from the M. of r. Reporter. From the M.
of f. RS meagre six lines the l. r. froths up a
whipped syllabub OF two or three columns. This
he does quite systematically He allows quar-
ter of column for the weather, in which the
sun Is made to rejoice like o bridegroom, and
the clouds are of purple and pink, and all the
new coal oil colors; birds have some twltterlng
to do, too; the trees are made to nod their
stately forms in acquiescence OF the event, ana
inanimate nature generally IS tr1cked up in full
feather (beg pardon, en- grdnde tenue) Tor the
auspiciOus occasion. A quarter of column is
devoted to the rabbe, what they said and did,
and imagined. Half column to the silks,
satins, lace, diamonds, bToadcloth, and gaInlture
generally, of the wedding party. Half a column
to the looks of the bride ana bridesmaids, in
elusive of half dozen lines to the bridegroom
and other male indispensable membranes to
the show. Half column to the ceremony and
the congratulations winds up the affair For
the clothing of this skeleton draft the l. II. pliers
from the latest iashOn-plates and ladies' books,
Byron, Thomson, Scott Longfellow, ETC., the mar
rage-servlce, the slang of the streets; and thus
makes up very neat patchwork, which is new
as whole. though old in its parts. Battles,
fires, revolutions, plagues-all that sttrs up the
stagnaton OF mems spirits-are the tools with
which the |. II. works. With the help of MUIR
rays Guides, he will travel from New York TO
Algeria, drop into every town by the way, tell
in impressive language what he did not see
there, OF the remarkable conversations he did
not hold with emperors and sages; of the uni
versal CRY OF oppression he did not hear as it
ascended like one vast shrek to the empyrean;
OF the men of all lands he did not see, looking
with fond hopes and powerful telescopes across
the great ocean to too-happy and oveT.hrmly.
welded Columba-and all related with con-
sIstency and a trutn-lkeness that invite belief
while the author is sitting on Tickety chair in
dingy room-anticipations OF a ereenback for
inspiration, and for lucubration iCe-water and
"a stick" Ultimately that lazy brute, the
General Public, refuses to be stirred up with the
sensation pole, and the l.. X. has to take to
sketch-writing Tor livelihood.
TIE ILLITERATE REPORTER is a disgrace to the
press, " hich must always be a standard for col.
loquial English. To the credit of reporters, the
illlterates Ito use their own slang) will soon
have 10 "let up" or their profession will "back
down" on them. The llliterate Reporter gives
the stamp of currency to the slang of the day,
and is thus offensive to good taste-making the
newspaper the cesspool of the dialogue OF the
streets. Illiterate Reporters are rapidly becom-
ing eXtinct-the ambition OF the profession at
present being n write plain but good English.
in a lew years the l. r. will have to return to
his native bitches, which he should have never
left.
THE PEDANTIC REPORTER is the Dominic
Sampson OF the press, without that worthy In
dividuals merits The p. r. Is generally some
broken-down or halEmade Clergyman, who for
unsOundLess of morals or want Of intellect has
been banished from the hopes and emoluments
of ''lhe sacred office" The p. R. must live
somehow; he 'cannot obtain a sinecureship as
treasurer OF any of the numerous societies in
stltuted for benevolent or missionary purposes
which give easy livings to superannuated par
sons, SO he takes 10 the press. He brings with
him some intelligence, but it is salted with
Latin peppered with Greek, and favored with
French. The mob with him are the OF poloi,
an editor is q reddcte11', and a scribbler like
himself he styles q luerdtelT. He never saw a
house on fire, though ne often witnesses a con.
migration, a horseman is a cavalier, and mar
RED woman a Femme c0uUeTte. These and manv
such cruel barbarlsms he perperates on popular
patience, and the public might not complain
cd lgpU no 1ar
even stand "Memento mor" and 'Tempus
mutantur vel fugitn "Quem Deus vult," etc.
and ''statu quo'-but when the p. r. infiicts on
the readers patience three line quotation from
Ovid, or verse from the Hebrew Bible reduced
to Roman characters, ne ought to be indicted
by the grand jury or complained of by the
tender-hearteG Bergh, for perpetrating needless
cruelties on animals, The p. r. docs not think
1t necessary to write good readable English"
His idea seems TO be to make everything as in
comprehensive as possible, and he generally
succeeds. For this purpose he has been known
to use seven different languages IN describing
Democratic procession, exclusive of modern
Greek and rural American. The p. r. is laughed
at by his brothers OF the pencil and notebook,
and he in turn despises them. They often ironi-
cally ask him if he can read his own report after
1t is printed which is rather difficult task (as
the printers make wild work OF the foreign
phrases, giving them the benefit OF a very libe-
raj translation, 'c3teris paribus' becoming on
one occasion catching parables"). In revenge,
the T. r. writes to some semi-literary journal,
complaining that reporters are not Admirable
CrichtOns, or even a3 learned as himself, which
Heaven forbid they ever should be. if learning
means a lack OF judgment, and education a
parade. The p R. has much to answer for in
making English acOnglomeraton of barbarIsms,
a hodgepo0ge oflanguages. To the illiterate
the p. K. is offensive because he insults their
ignorance; to the educated he is doublv ofien-
sive, because he mangles all languages-tor all
but the most pedantic like the various tongues
kept separate and in their proper places.
Luckily, the Pedantic Reporter is becoming less
valued as education advances, and soon may we
be allowed to inscribe on his wooden tomo-
stone, 'Hic Jackass."-N. Y Sunday Mercury.