Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1866-04-20

My first demonstration consisted o,
an editorial paragraph, simply stating
In unembellished diction, that the Al.
mighty might have made more per.
feet baker and more upright citizen
than Benjamin Bun, but it was, at the
same time, perfectly certain that the
history of mankind bore no record OF
such an extraordinary effort of divinity.
The brOwnest of Buns brown bread was
pound-cake when compared to that OF
all other bakers. Buns pou nd cake, in
the same comparison, was ambrozia
Bun himself was, to draw il extremely
mild, the Gar of bakers; and the loss
of Buns establishment to the citizens
Of Bungtown, would be a calamity only
to be equalled by universal famine,
with pestilence in its track. ~
| The next day brought a "card ~ from
Bun, coolly taking me to task for not
having mentioned his fresh invoice OF
"patent Bungtown Tarts," his (" Magic
Mullins" ETC., and concluding his
card" (eight pages Of closely written
foolscap) with what was probably an
inventory Of his entire stock in trade.
L smothered my wrath, inserted the
card, and exhausted myself in two col
umns of editorial comment; wherein,
among other solid truths, remember
ed that Bun had written verses which
evinced a genius surprising Milton and
not inferior to Shakespeare, and only
reconciled his having deserted the muse
| by knowledge of the fact that God had
surely diverted his energies, solely for
motives of compassion for the human
stomach. . m"a ..'-
But even this was not powerful enough
for the cautious man of dough. He was
ready enough with any number of
cards" though steadfastly obtuse in
the light Of subscription and advertise
ment fees. At last, when my ammuni-
tion was all but exhausted, and / was
on the point ofdespair, happy thought
darted into my wearied brain. Some
referred to, there appeared in the BlOW-
pipe the following
COMMUNICATIONS.
STURGEON, WIS.,, May -. ls-.
To the Editor ofne Blo,cpipe:
Will you be kind enough to inform
me why you persist In prostituting your
otherwise upright journal with gratui-
tous putis Of that wretched baker and
miserable dough-head, Benny.Bun, OF
Bungtown? His bread is notoriously
known fact that numbers of Bungtown
families send daily to Sturgeon, in order
to procure the best bread in the market
gladly undergoing the expense Of the
ten miles journey, In preference to in
curing dyspepsia through the use OF
the clay-kneadcd, plaster-moulded trash
of your Bungtown poisoner. Ifyou eX-
pect to get anything out of Bun, you
may as well give it up, as his reputation
Is that OF being the meanest and most
parsimonious blackguard in the coun-
try, as well as the worst baker. at .#.
A CONSTANT READER.
COMMENTS BY THE EDITOR OF THE
. ta, BLOwPIPE. -s A..
We know the name Of the pitiable
rascal who penned the above, but will
not soil this virgin page by printing il
here. We merely print this spiteful eff
fusion to illustrate the depths Of deprav-
ity to which the human mind, when
blinded by prejudice and smothered by
malevolent hatred, may sink. In re-
gard to his aspersions of Mr.. Benjamin
Buns character, they are so preposter-
ously false as scarcely to demand re-
ply. Mr.. Buns well-known reputation
as one of the most noble, incorruptablc,
talented and public-spirited citizens of
Bungtown, alone refutes the adder-hiss
and hyena. howl of disappointment and
malice.
ave know nothing of the "Constant
Reader's' assertions respecting Bung-
town families dealing with Sturgeon
bakeries. If that be true, the reason is
obvious. Mr.. Bun fails to make his
commodities sufficiently well-known to
his fellow townsmen by means of ju-
dicious system Of advertising. (The
population of Bungtown at that time
was /, ,432.) But that Is none of our bus
mess. Our duty, at the present mo-
ment, is simply to Indignantly spurn
unfounded accusations against the char
acter of an estimable man."
Bun succumbed without further ado.
His years subscription and half-column
advertisement were forthcoming on the
following day, when the bakers boy
left our usual two lOaves of twist i'm the
morning. Bun himself made his ap-
pearance ut our sanctuln at about noon,
with mingled anxiety and pleasure on
his long face, combined with a request
that the name of the author of the cal
luminous letter should be made known.
We expressed our regret at not being
able to furnish 1t, in consequence of
certain considerations of pecuniary
nature. Bun thereupon rendered twen-
ty dollars, which we accepted with dig
nifty, promising to let him have the
name of the calumniatOr us soon us cir
cumstances would permit. Circumstan-
ces never permitted. s. #a.s. s
In about six months i was equally
successful with every shop-keeper in
Bungtown, and the BloWpipe began to
make money, as well as to obtain more
than local fame, - ~ u
| fiatter myself that managed i'm
other things with equal shrewdness. I
happily scceeded in incurring the dis
pleasure Of prominent New York
Daily, by heaping unmeaning cpithcts
on its editor and proprietor. / had to
call him blackguard, a thief, a scoun-
drel, and traitor to his country and
his God, about fifteen times In success
ion, before succeeded in arousing him
to forget his dignity and give me the
Of the Biowpipe which /
so earnestly coveted. 1t came at last.
though. and I began to be power In
the land. 4r.sF. .... ...4.F -. W..
I abused politicians, till they adyer.
tised my journal in their stump speech-
es-extolled the President of the United
States, until he made me postmaster of
BungtOwn-and at the same time kept
AAJ FsskOA SCS0uny uCtOIC lllc puUllC Ill
a number of libel suits, which cost me
nothing. But finally, emboldened by
success, l made the one step that sprain-
ed my intellectual ankle.
tried my hand at q little innocent
slander. The subject happened, unfor.
tunatcly, to be lady ofSturgeon, whom
l had never seen. Her husband ap-
peared ut the portals Of my sanctuns
sdnctoruns. perceived in his general
aspect Q Hoosier about eight feet high,
broad-sh0uldered in proportion, with
the limbs of the Colossus of Rhodes,
the thews of the Farnese Hercules, and
q blood thirsty expression of facial fea-
ture, In comparison with which the
Of maniac gorilla Of the
oaboon valley was pulling infant at
the mothers breast. .
With bland smile, I informed him
that the article had nothing TO do with
Mrs. Sophronia Blood of the town of
Sturgeon. 1t referred to Mrs. Sophia
Blood, of Patagonia, South America
an error of the typos having substituted
I" Sophronia" for Sophia"
He said that that wouldn't do.
/ asked him to take a drink .t4