Delaware State journal and statesman., 1866-10-23
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF BRIDES

THE NATURAL HISTORY OF BRIDES
We have been favored with natural his
tories of man, of birds and beasts, of the
world, but no one has yet essayed the his
tory of that indispensable creature. the
bride. We propose in this article to ATTEMPT
to show how the vacuum caused by the
shortcomings of authors may be supplied by
some enterprislng Bohemian.
A bride is the elimination of o mothers
anxiety and the commencement of a hus
bands serious reflections. A mother looks
upon her daughter arrayed as bride, as an
arrow shot from her household culver at that
butt of female archery, man; and, if the ar
row has made fair hit, is prone TO chuckle
over the shot as showing forth her superior
matronly skill. II, on the contrary, the
success is doubtful, then the mother, like a
bad archer, blames the arrow, the luck.
anything, indeed, but her own bad manage.
mcnt.
Brides are divided into numerous classes.
For example: sentimental brides, who marry
for love; speculative brides, who marry for
money, anxious brides, who marry for the
sake of being married; accommodating
brides, who marry because their lovers asked
them to marry; unresisting brides, who
marry because their friends desire them TO
marry; inquisitive brides, who marry for
curiosity, and invalid brides, who marry to
restore their health
Sentimental brides are the most numerous,
but not the most happy of the orange
wreathed tribe. They are generally young
creatures, who revel in poetical dreams con-
nected with the wearer of love of NOUS
tache, or the possessor of a handsome nose,
or expressive eyes, or an animated doll, who
can make pretty little speeches, graceful
bows, or sing pretty little song. She takes
great pride unto herself because she married
Charlie for his own dear self and not for his
surroundings-un that man IS position
in society," his friends, and even his wealth
or poverty is as much a part of himself total
as the curl of his hair, the song he sings,
the strut he affects, or even his education.
She generally finds, when the song is less
brilliantly sung, the moustache requires
Christadora, the head wig, and the poetical
speeches are turned into matter of fact i'm
peratives, that the varnish is rubbed off, the
gloss removed, and Charlie is not the man
he used to be.
The money bride has made herself an ar
ticle OF merchandise, and is to he valued ac-
cording to the price she obtains for herself
She belongs to every condition of society,
from her who marries for social position,
horses and carriages, diamond, houses and
bank account, to the work-girl who marries
one room home, and the privilege of only
halfstarving on her husbands petty weekly
plttance. She generally reaches the conclu-
sion that she has sold herself too cheap.
The health-seeking bride looks on the
marriage service as medical prescription,
the parson as doctor, and the husband as
the 6olus administered for her ills-a blue
pill that must be swallowed, however nause-
nHNu lnl N-I..
road to death, yet clinging to life, endeavors
to throw her burden on her lord Flying
from the embraces of the worm, she is COM
PEELED TO accept those of the bridegroom.
She prefers an earthly to an unearthly dwell
ling, the marriage-bed to the narrow house
appointed for all living. The honeymoon
shines through apothecary bottles, and the
epithalamium is coughed in wheezy periods.
The purchasing bride is generally an old
maid or widow, who, despairing of being
courted for her own sake, seeks husband
through the medium of her peouniary charms.
She generally let's every one know, after
marriage, that she keeps the purse-stTings in
her own hand, and the young man-for this
class generally succeed in obtaining young
men-whom she has succeeded in entrap-
ping is highly and everlastingly indebted 10
her The experience of such is usually the
conclusion that they have paid too much for
their whistle.
The misunderstanding bride is, perhaps
the most composed of all brides, the least
enthusiastic, and the most likely to be happy.
She marries because it is instinct with her,
not because she is particularly in love- So
she is not so apt to be troubled with the
pangs of jealousy, or to suffer from disap-
pointment when she discovers that the bride
groom is not much better than the average
Of men after all She poes throuOh tho da ve
Of courtship as matter Of course, and won
ders at the whims and caprices of sentimen-
tai girls: receives and accepts the offer of
marriage as matter of course; dons the
bridal attire, and goes through the whole
formula OF wedding ceremonies or uncere-
monies, as matter of course; performs all
the duties, and submits to all the little vexa-
tions of married life as a matter looked for;
lives n serene, orderly and quiet life, and
dies respected and regretted by all who
knew her, as matter Of course.