Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1866-12-07
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pitchforks.
A VERY unpopular officer with the ladies
General Homework.
TrfIyc the feeIings--to tie pretty girls
bonpet without tasting her lips.
WHr is the letter U, the gayest letter in the
nj .habei Because it is always in fun.
WHAT is the only pain that wo make light
Of a window pane.
cofsrrs are economioal--they prevent
waist.
THE man who couldn't stand it any lon
Iger.' has taken seat and is now quite com
fe'aSe>
IT Is az billy in some parts of New Hamp-
silire 'ifnf ti,z people look up the chimney 10
see when the c0ws come home.
aPar where Brdssq2'r "Indade she's
fast asleep, ma am, looking at the bread ba-
king"
AS Grishman being asked to define hard
drinking said '.it was sitting on rock and
spp1Hg cold water
War is that which occurs once in a min
ute, twice in moment, and not once in a
thousand years The letter d.
Low, the toothache, smoke, cough and
tig ht boot, me things which cannot posi-
bly, be kept secret very long.
A CHARITY scholar, under examination in
the Psalms being asked, ''what is the pesti-
lenee that walketh in darkness ?'' he replied,
s'PIeasc sir, bed-bugs.'
y You've lady, while on her way to bemar-
ried, vas run over and killed. A confirmed
old #sid sayagely comments "She avoided
a more 5agerihg and horrible destiny
''Now children, asked school inspector,
s'who loves all raeb'?'' A little girl, not four
years old, and evidently not posted in the
cateohism, answered quickly "All women!"
AN Indian out West was heard TO make the
following exclamation, on seeing one Of our
fashionable (hooped) ladies' "Cghl much
wigwam. .
A clerk in a mercantile establishment
writes to friend at home: l have nice
time of itnow-a-d days, very little work TO do
Our firm don't advertise
A YOUNG gentleman who had just married
little understood beauty says she would
have been taller, but she is made of such pre-
cious materials that nature could not afford
it.
''Were you guar ded in your conduct while
in New Fork ~ said father to his son,
who had just returned home from his visit to
the city ''Yes sir; part of the time by two
policemen.
Our young friend, j. D., was asked by a
young lady who had been dancing the Ser
man. whether he saw her feet "No, mad |
am . he said with solemn shake as the head
'far from it,
"FsrHER, what does the printer live on,
anyhow ''Why my child ~ 80, because
you said you hadn't paid for your paper for
three years." Exit father with a flea in his
ear.
Major \. upon being asked ifhe was seri-
ously hurt on the bursting of boiler a
steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had
been blown up so many times by his wife, thai
a mere steamboat explosion had no effect up
on him whatever.
a MILWAUKEE young lady had her cap
ses7 for rather large feller,n but failed TO
win bin, when confdant tried to comfort
her viii the words; "Never mind, MoIIie,
here is as good fish in the sea as ever was
caught .'Mollie knows that" replied her
little hro,her, ''but shewants whale.
A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of
the married state before his daughter, dis
paragingly said
"she who marries does we'll but she
who does not marry, does better"
"Well then, said theyoung lady, Il will
do well let those who choose do better"
A QUAINT old Methodist preacher of Texas,
years ago, used to announce his text thus
'You will find my text in the eighth chap
Ter of Isaiah, ninth verse. And eff you don't
find 1t thar, you will fndit, ef you hunt the
Book through from Gennessis to Revelations;
and eff you don't find it then, you viii find
great many things which will do you power
of good"
AN amusing story is told of cunning ex
hibitor at recent agricultural fair in Con
neeticut, who divided bushel ofpeaches and
entered one-half in his own name for eompe-
titiou, and the other in the name Of an infu-
ential man in neighboring town. The big
man got the prize, and the other contribution
although off the same tree, was not mention
ed.
A HIS1.-A bashfal youth was paying his
address to a gay lass Of the country, who had
long despaired of bringing things to crisis.
| After settling the merits of the weather, the
girl said, looking slyly into his face;
II dreamed of you last night.
"Did You? why-now!i'
'sYes, now what did you dream your moth
er said n
''0h, l dreamed that she wasn't at home. y
A light dawned on the youths intellect; a
singular sound broke the stiffness, and in less
than four weeks the were married.
| VINO KILLED ABEL-''My little boy'' asked