The Van Buren press., 1866-03-24

-"1 on must really exercise patience,
said an old rat to brother that had been
caught in a trap. No doubt is pain
full but squcaking will do no good what
ever, and it is very distressing to us to
hear"
"You are mighty compassionate for
fellow" said the prisoner, trying to ease
his leg,
+, =, h" O.; Iassure vou feel beyond all de-
scription for You" said the old rat Il
can enter into your suferings most fully !
but you can see Notwithstanding that |
feel so badly for you, can command my
self and behave with moderation"
every fine" replied the captive; Z" |
could do the same if | was sitting and
looking at you in the trap lut | doubt
exceedingly if your philosophy would hold
ut if you were here instead of there
Ef- We heard recently Of an ebony
cololed female of the African persuasion,
who entered a store not u hundred miles
from here and asked a polite clerk to show
her some flesh colored hose. Taking a sec
ond glance at the shade, the young man
went in search of the article, returning
with lot of stockings, whereat the sable
customer frowned Indignantly, turned sud-
denly upon the iddle of her foot, and jer-
ked herself out of the store, Icmarking as
she went that he couldn't fool her wild dem
ole black stockings she wanted flesh col
or or none at all.
Counsellor Con6ey and Sergeant
Pleas, who had been opposed to each OH
er in case Of considerable interest, left
the court arm in arm to take a DeeiSteak
together at the Gridiron.
"You made out your case well, broth
or," said Codex " and it was no easy
matter
"My dear sir, replied Sergeant Pleas
81 am never in better feather thad when /
| have to prove that black is white"
"Well," said Codex, "Iwill give you
a knotty case for your ingenuity, Prove
to me that that the vile blackleg Thomas,
who swindied you out of a hundred pounds
the last Derby Day, is the best man in her
Maesty's dominions."
THAT is easily DONE" said Sergeant
Pleas for, however good any other man
may be, no one viii deny that blackleg
Is sure to be bettor,"
-- About the hardest case ever heard
OF was murderer named Stone, executed
many years since in Exeter just before
the rope was placed round his neck, he re-
questcd the sheriff to give him a mug Of
ale The request being promptly attended.
to, he took the cup and commenced blow
ing the froth from the ale
'eWhat are you doing that for?' ner
vously asked the sheriff.
I" Because" returned the perfect wretch,
"I don't think fIoth is healthy"
Two men, both towards, met in a
narrow way, neither disposed to turn out
of the road
Give me the road" said one, in a
braggart tone of voice, "or if you don't
I'll do for you what did for the man who
refused it to me yesterday"
The other scrambled aside in terror, and
when he of the braggart voice lad gone
by, asked him tmidiy
"What did you DO, sir, to the man who
refused the road yesterday, and would not
get out Of your way?'
"Why," SAID the other 81 let him keep
tie road and got ont of his way"
-A A gentleman presented lace col
lar to the object Of his alteration, and III q
ocular way said
"Do not let any one else rumplc it.
"No, DEAR said the lady, 81 will take
it off
-"CommcrciaI reporters say, - Mon.
ey is drug" 'Taint very bad to take, if
it is; show us the 'indiwilual' who will
object to being drugged with it.
-" can bear said sufferer " !
can bear the squealing Of pig the roar
ing Of thunder, or the squaII of ten thou
sand cats, but the voice Of dun is like
the crack of doom, and when | hcara dun,
! am done oW and out"
- a Tipperary Rockite sends a let
ter of advice to a neighbor, about taking Il
certain piece Of land or letting it alone
closes the epstlc with the following pithy
question, f" What's the whole world to a
man if his wife be widow p
- He that buys house ready wrought
has many q pin and nail for nought,