The daily Mississippi clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1866-1866, 1866-05-06
NUMBER 24l.
HUMOROUS.

days. One of his sheriffs was long
legged, lank, lean, awkward Yankee;
bashful withal a sufferer and STAN
merer; and with voice like the tear
ing Of stay-sail out Of a bolt rope
He opened court one day with the
usual formula Hear ye! hear yer
etc, which he did, doubtless, in the
style of the Nassau-street self sealing
en-vel-op' vender: Anything on the
bo-a-a-rd, four cents: Twenty five
sheets of ting paper, fo-w-er
c-a-e-nts Y' He, of course, became
embarrassed, and suffered and STAN
mered: commenced-broke down
commenced again; and had proceeded
so far as to designate the Court by its
jurisdictional name, which, to save his
life, he could not do at first; then he
commenced again, and again had to
give it up, leaving the irresistible i'm
preston on the minds of persons ig-
norant of what he would be at, that he
was calling their HOnors by very bad
names. Judge P enjoyed the fel-
lows confusion and embarrassment
very keenly; and when he could CON
tain himself no longer, he turned to
one Of his associates, and slapping
him familiarly on the knee, remarked
in a whisper, loud enough to be heard
throughout the bar: Il say Brother
R, l have seen courts opened be-
fore now, but l must confess / never
before saw one tore openn
Here is another: The late Bates
Turner, Of Vermont, (of whom every
fun-lover within five hundred miles
has heard, and of whom more humo-
| rous sayings are recorded than Of any
other man in Vermont, was as witty a
man as he was learned jurist He had
quick, subtle, and acute mind, with a
nervous. and very hurried manner;
speaking so fast, when talking that it
was difficult for the listener to keep
up with his words He was many
years on the bench. On one occasion,
young and Jealous lawyer, not over
| punctilious in his illusions to the
Court, nor very formal in his manner,
was arguing law-question before the
Judge; and in the course of his argu-
ment, by way of illustration, wished
to suppose a case We will sup
pose your Honor, said be, that your
Honor were to steal a horse
No no = interrupted the Judge; mot
at all not at all 'tain't supposable
case, Mr. s., 'tan't a supposable
case Very well, begging your
Honor's pardon proceeded the eager
lawyer with more zeal than prudence,
very well; then supposing that /
should steal a horse 'Ah! yes,
yes, yes said the Judge, that is a
different thing; very likely Mr.. s.,
very likely. Proceed, Mr.. s.
Mr.. S proceeded to take a seat,
amid the shouts of his bretheren, and
had the good sense to take the joke in
good part, and to repeat it
often to his friends. While
Judge Turner was in the practice
Of his profession, he once conducted
a petty litigation between two very
mean men, about very small matter,
and finally succeeded in promoting his
case to the county court, to be heard
by a judge presiding therein, who
shall be nameless This judge, al
though he had the respect of the bar
for his learning and ability, had lost
their confidence in his integrity, and
was generally deemed corrupt He
was a man of stately, digniied pres
ence, although at times little pom
pous" Mr.. Turner's case was laid
before his honor, and had been pro-
ceeded in far enough for the judge to
catch a glimpse of the nature of il
and its litigants, when he stopped Mr.
Turner in very grave dignified man
ner: Mr.. Turner, this seems to be
rather trifiing case; why not advise
your client to submit it to the candid
impartial arbitrament of two or three
good honest men, and so not trouble
the court 7" ''Ah! yes, yes, yes
| your honor" broke in Mr. Turner, in
his usual hurried manner, and a spark
ling snap of his sharp, 'practised eye,
as he addressed the Judge, (for whom
by the way, he had not high regard,
''yes, yes your honor, but this is jas
: precisely one Of the cases a0e do not aCisl
to trouble an honest man 1cih!" Mr.
Turner lost his case.
One or two more, and am done
AL Gll JlN -utdutu, COuC6lJtu DIOIu-
er-lawyer once bewailed to Judge Tur-
ner that he 1.-THE lawyer could not be
= translated back to youth and carry
N with him all the learning and expe
rience he had acquired during a long
practice: "Yes, yes - said the judge
"but console yourself that you woulC
], carry back a very light pack indeed
hardly worth +ba iour,,a1- ~
He had a very intimate friend anC
neighbor, who was very methodica
land withal rather eccentric) in tn
commonest affairs of life Among
other things, this neighhor had dog
}. fine noble fellow, that was a genera
favorite, and with whom his maste
kept regular and precise book-ac
count, charging the dog with hi
board, etc, ETC., and crediting hin
, with services whenever he rendere,
p any. 1t so happened that the do!
killed COW, by breaking her neck
for which his master had to pay dear
ly, and so he killed the dog. Upol
examining, and adjusting the accoun
Y with his dog, after his demise, tn
animal was found to be greatly il
debt to his master OF this he wa
complaining one day to the Judge il
L ihock-mourning style, when judg
N Turner briefly remarked, nudging hi
; friend, Eyes, yes, NJ; no know
ing how the dogs accounts woult
have stood if he had only hand 81
honest executorr' The dogs estat
was speedily settled, and account
balanced by profit and loss account.
d ~ A correspondent of Harpe
contributes the following to the Ed
Is tors drawer. 1t will doubtless b
>, news to General McMaekin who, W
= believe, never kept'a hotel in Tails
hassee, Florida.
'r On my way South had occasion t.
stop over night at the P House
: Vicksburg, Mississippi. The hotel i
!; undoubtedly the best In the city, an
: presided over by very fine Souther
|, gentleman, late Colonel in the SO
. called c. S. Army.
At meal-time noticed that instea
= of printed ''bills of fare" the Colone
y stationed himself at one end of th
dining-room, and in a voice lou
b, enough to be heard far outside th
i room named over, for the informatio
a of his guests, the articles that had bee
prepared for the table, The grea
: novelty of this procedure induced m