The Van Buren press., 1866-03-31

Tell me, would you ask for more
should you could you
ffyou owned " the ready" would YOU
-" What did you come here after ~
inquired Miss Susan Draper. of a bachelor
friend, who made her call when the rest of
the family had gone out.
81 came to borrow some Matches" he
meekly replied
''MatcheS That's likely story Why
don't you make a match | know what
you came for" exclaimed the delighted
miss, as she crowded the old bachelor into
corner? you came to kiss and hug me al
most to death, but you shan't unless you
are the strongest, and the Lord knows you
are"
"A traveller stopped at an inn to
breakfast, and having drank a cup of what
was given to him, the servant asked:
"What will you take sir, tea or cof
fee ?"
That depends upon circumstances,
was the reply 4" if what you gave me
last was tea, want coffee. If it was cot
fee, want tea. want q change.
- "Well, my good woman" said the
doctor, show is your husband to-day. Bet
ter, no doubt"
"Oh yes, surely" said the woman.
"He is rs well as ever, and gone to the
field"
al thought so," continued the doctor.
" The lceches have cured him. Wonder
full effect they have. You got the leeches
of course ?"
"Oh, yes, and they did him great deal
of good, though he could not take them
ALL
"Take them all Why, my good wo-
man, how did you apply them ?"
"Oh, / managed nicely said the wife,
looking quite contented herself Il" Forva-
rietys sake, boiled one-half, and made q
fry of the other. The first he got down
very well, but the second made him very
sick. But what he took was GMte enough"
continued she, seeing somo horror in the
doctors countenance "for he was better
the next morning, and to-day he is quite
well"
Z" Umph," said the doctor, with sapi-
ent shake of the herd, "if they have cured
him that is sufficient, but they would have
been better applied externally.
The woman replied that she would do
so the next time and doubt not that il
ever fate throws score of unfortunate lee.
ches into her power again, she will make q
poultice Of them.
- Prentice says if you want to get {
favor from man, feed him. A man, lik,
a horse, can't be managed till he has had {
bit in his mouth.
-Artemus Ward tells a good story
concerning the production Of the" Lady o
LYONS" at Salt Lake City Theatre, al
aged Mormon arose, and went out with hi
twenty -four wives, angrily stating that h
wouldn't sit and see play where a maj
made such cussed fuss over one woman.
-- Gen. Grant, at Mrs. Douglas wed
ding party, the other evening, was callet
upon by Secretary Stanton for speech an,
responded in the following laconic style
Il am right glad to see you all
Is it possible, miss, that you do no
the names of some of your best friends
inquired gentleman of lady.
Certainly, she replied, IL don't ever
know what my own may be, a year hence
- Fontenelle lived to be nearly a hun
drcd years old. a lady of nearly the sam
age, said to him one day, in a large compa
ny:
Monsieur, you and | stay here so Ion
that have rotion death has forgotte
MS.
Speak as low as you can, said Fonter
ellie, lest you remind him Of Us.
- Mrs. Partington says she did ne
marry her second husband because she Ink
ed the male sex, but because he was just I'll
size of her first protector, and could wea
his old clothes
- Charles Sumner, Head Scentel
Neglo Republic Of America