The Van Buren press., 1866-11-02

Hc utAt buHuoy oho e"'hS hOuie, hVi
eyes oil excitement; @ "a"
i remember something, said she.
All very glad of it, replied the father;
what did he say?'
lie laid, pa cried she delightedly, "a
collection will now be taken up
Jones, while lately engaged in splitting
wood, struck false blow, causing the stick
to fly up. l, struck him on the jaw and
knocked out front TOOTH
'Ah, .aid Bill, meeting him soon after,
you have had dental operation perform
cd, / see
Yes replied the other, AK dental
Mr.. White, will you have the kindness
TO lend me ten dollars
'Cerainly-upon one condition.
Name IT,
That you tell me why your request is
like the back of my neck?'
i must give it up.
We'll, it is because can't see it?'
A clergyman called to visit woman
who calmly awaited her departure. She
expressed her resignation to depart. But,
said the minister, ARE you willing to be
damned forever for the glory of God ~
NO sir she softly whispered, 1 cannot
10Y that
The afflicted husband, who stood by the
bed sile listening to the conversation, NOV
ed bv The impulse OF his nature, stepped up
40 81, :, terrogator and said
.Aro willing to be thus damned?'
.Yss w.. the reply.
Then, sir, /. "ie 10 'ue sool eo' aua DC
damned, and le. ny wife depart in peace
A, til. time Of tn, passage OF Maine law
in the State Of Vermo w. 'hero was IN one
,f the towns bordering upon new ork
State. an individual whom "e"'i' '"ii III
lev. Riley "loved whiskcy a. ~ @ na'sa !. snaS'
e." aud, as a consequence, he. 'ouna !. con
siderable trouble to cross the ST wv 'i'ie 70
indulge. A Mr.. B--was sppoin' eu agent
to di.surse liquors for medical purpo 'es'-
Riley piled Mr.. BIN vain to let nm
have LIQUOR His pleas Of sickness were 80
Transparent that they always failed, and
Riley had 20 be content to 90 without tor
dsys together. 1t SO CHANGED that, while
cuttiag wood, Riley had the misfortune to
cut kistoe rather badly. Some one said
that he .~had ought to have some whisky
put OF lis toe. Riley Immediately depart
ed for Mr. B-he said
"Mr B, ! have cut my toe and |
would like some whisky to put on it,
Mr.. B--drew the liquor, and Riley
slowly pulled off his boot. Mr.. B--set
the glass down upon the counter. and Ri
ley g,abbed it and swallowed the contents,
and as he did so, he commenced rubbing
his limb with his other hand, exclaiming--
"There, go down to my toe a
mathematical correspondent has sent
the following formula, which may prove
useful to those entering into society:
To find the shortest way to female
heart under given circumstances.
First class--If she is married. but not q
mother, praise her husband.
Ii she j. married, and also mother praise
her children.
Second Class-If she 10 unmarried, and
sngaged-praise her lover
If she is unmarried and disengaged-
prsiAe herself.
A woman says what she chooses, with.
out being knocked down for it. She can
takea snoozc after dinner while her hus-
band goes TO work She can go into the
stree, without: being asked to "stand treat"
st every saloon. She can stay at home in
time OF war. and get married again il her
husband is killed. She can get divorced
from her husband whenever she sees one
hhe likes better. She can get her husband
in debt all over until he warns the public
MOTTO trust her on his account. But all
these advantages arc balanced by the great
fact that she cannot sing bass, 60 sparkling,
or climb a troe with any degree Of proprie-
Aloafcr called at the elegant residence at
the South End..in Boston, q day or two
ago, and asked for money 1--WE haven't
cent" he was told. "Ah, is that so'
said he, putting his hand in his pocket,
"oblisa me by accepting this three cent
Bit"
A lover wrote to lady who had rejected
him. saying that he intended to retire 't'
some secluded spot, and breathe away his
life in sighs.' To which the lady REPLIED
iuquringly. whether they were to DO medi
um or largo size. The man has not since
been heard from.
OF what trade Is the sun? A tanner.
The only pain that we can make light Of
- window name