The Vinton record. [volume] (M'arthur, Vinton County, Ohio) 1866-1891, 1866-06-21
Dreaming on Wedding Cake.
From the La Crosse Democrat. ]

Did you ever dream on wedding cake7-
No! Well don't you do t. Never be coaxed
into tempting Providence, or the other gen.
tleman whose name commences with d.
BY doing It, The other day two somebod-
les concluded 10 join hearts and hands, 60
"for better, for worse" or until death dis
solved the partnership and gave one OF the
firm a quiet life, and the other wooden
box in a small cellar all by him or herself
snd the somebodies, regardless of expense,
and determined to do things up in the old
fashioned way, slung themselves on cake
rou bet!
Great loaves much icing many citron
several raisins! lavish use of men fruit! some
Minnesota flour! a few sugar! These lit
tie e' ceteras made up to look well, and
while all inexperienced, innocent, sentimen.
tai, uusophisticated customer gazed on
the sugay Cupids, and roses and posies,
and true e.lover's knots, and all the artistic
little arrangements Of the ccniectioners
art adjoining each several cake, he half
wished, if he was cake-hungrY, that some
body else was about to "marriage", and di.
vide cakes and things, and luxuriate in by.
nenial double blessedness.
Well, VIZ happened to be around when
one Of the aforesaid cakes was cut, and the
generous recipient, not desirous Of pizening
herself, or dying young, gave US a royal
slab" for the delectation of our "innards'
aid the tickling OF our palate. We accept
ed the donation, and after devouriy saying
ANA, mana, mona. NIL" and offering up
several other equally beautiful petitions,
prepared tu bolt the dangerous compound.
A suggestion was offered--we are always
glad to hear suggestions. "Saye piece 10
dream on" Accepted the amendment
preserved a Chunk--roled it up at night, in
y piece Of tinfoil tobacco paper, and placing
il upon our virtuous couch, and smoothing
our viruous pillow over the same, carefully
laid our virtuous head on both, and shortly
slum5ered--but. ye gods, what slumbers!
Dreamed nightmared - that we were
about 70 marry didn't mind that very much
--oniy bride insisted on going veiled 10 the
allar-sure il was oil right, thought it best
not to Iaisea row on that account, and sub.
mitted 10 let the ceremony proceed with
alacrity. Parson had no nose wanted us
to lend him one of ours, took out three, as
sorted sizes, told him to take his pick the
fool stuck them all on--asked us If we were
ready-said "yea"--asked US what we would
take-told him whisky sour"--instead Of
scceding to our request he told US that we
were lawfully and in hospitable and "loy-
al" manner made one flesh--asked him what
was The cost Of the little excursion-.parson
told us he would take one thousand dollars
for the job, children under ten years oil age
not admitted. Looked for our currency de-
pository, wasn't there. pulled off boots, no
greenbacks in them, asked the man if he
couldn't trust, Infamous cuss said mot if
the court knows herself', cash on delivery,
&C. o. Dis my best holt" said he. Turn
ed TO ask wife how she was furnished for
stamps, found that we had married some
thing a cross between Anna Dickinson,
Jane Swisshelm and Joice Heath.
Minister vanished, we went home with
spouse, time few, children began to arrive
every few days, by the dozen, score, gross;
Lord bless us, there was a million OF them
in couple Of weeks, all ugly and as hun
cry as the d-l.
Deserted our family, went to Massachu
sets, Republican party elected US to Con-
gress; wished we hadn't left our small wife
and awful large family. Felt as though the
Old Gentleman had got US sure. Became
"hail fellows with Sumner and Stevens,
hated Our country and loved niger. White
men Stunned us, and black despised.
Grew worse, got to be Black Repubi-
can editor, Lord how mean we felt! Stole
everything, lied. drank chain lightning,
swofe: grew sill worse, found ourself pos
ltical parson, basphemed God and denoun-
csd his gospel. Old Nick sat in the pulpit
with us, he looked like Ben Butler, said he
would call for US next day.
Concluded not 10 wait for him, ran away
again. Wife, children, Congress, niggers,
everybody ran after US. caught US after we
had run two millions Of miles, held con-
sultation, one patty favored boring an oil
we'll with us. while the other side wanted
us touched eff with a slow match. The
syes had i, and f1. spang, how we did
mount higher and higher. Saw the moon
coming, told it to get out of the way
man in the moon smiled, doubled up his fist,
and we doubled up on it, with much enthu.
eiasn1.
Started broad awake with the force Of the
blow-found surself standing on our head on the
floor, our feet c My reposing on our virtuous
couch, and violent. pains raging in the place To-
Gated just below the belt. ~ II
Coming to our waking senses discovered the
cause Of sur ''perturbed Sleep" opened the win
dow, threw tin foil and enclosure out-a raising
dog seized and devoured it, but instantly COM
menced to howl for :" pen and ink" striking out
On 2;s9 gait for the prairie, and has never been
We decline dreaming on wedding cake for the
iuture-dor't think 1t conduces to that TRANQUIL
w of spirit and peace Of mind which should
oelopg 70 members of the editorial fraternity,
sna leel firmly persuaded thatit is an invention
oI o. :ne y: adversary-a "vanity Of vanitiesp not at