Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1866-01-25
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

FUN, fACIS AMI fAChIlHI
ToMEY, my son, what's longitude ?" "a
clothes hne daddy" prove it, my SON" BE.
cause it stretches from pole to pole
MONTAGUE gives us one reason why bor-
rowed books so seldom returned that it is much
easier to return book than the passages in it
Boy, whe,e does this road go to ?" 81
don't think it goes any where. 1 always see one
here every morning"
"WHAr would you be dearest" said Wal
ter 'if We're to press the seal of love upon those
sealing-wax hps ?" Il should be stationary"
"A TALE of terror A spaniels continu.
alton with four lunches Of fire crackers andthree
pie pans fastened to it.
In early Connecticut times, farmer boy
was arrested for kissing pretty country lass at
her fathers gate on a Sunday evening He plead
ed excuse to the officer that he thought at the
moment she was his cousin Jonathan said the
maid, If you want me you mustn't try to get ont
of 1t that way ''All right, my DEAR I'll stand it;
III agree to be locked up for three days, but when
L come back, expect to have Patience" ITO be
sure, and II be ready" returned the Connecticut
primrose.
LOVE is better than a pair of spectacles
to make everything seem greater which is seen
through it.
his forehead it would make him pull his hat over
his eyes
! \ wide-awake minister, who found his
congregation going to sleep one Sunday before he
had fairly commenced, suddenly stopped and ex-
claimed, Brethren, this isn't fair it isn't giving
man halfa chance. Wait till get along piece,
and then ii amt worth listening to go 70 sleep
( but don't before get commenced give n man
chance"
WHY are wheat and potatoes like the
idols of old ?-Because the former have ears and
hear not, and the latter eyes but see not.
WHAT is the difference between a Catho-
lie priest and Baptist?-One uses wax candles
. and the other dips.
IT is supposed that the object of the bri-
da party who lately went up III balloon from New
York was to see the honeymoon.
4 PAPER in aneighboring city reports that
there is grocer up town who is so mean that he
was seen to catch fly eff his counter, hold him BY
the hind legs and look i'll the cracks of his feet to
see II he. hadn't been stealing some of his best su-
gar.
4 woman said in apoice-court the other
day, that before marriage her husband pretended
to be much struck with her, but she was every
day struck by him.
HAVE any Of Toby's Continued stories
been printed into bound volumes" ?" inquired a
country customer of a salesman in one of our large
bookstores the other day. L" Toby Continued =
Who's he:' why, the man that writes so many
stories for the papers. l see his name to more
newspaper stories than any other man, and want
to get 'em in bound volumes The salesman an
swered III the negative and the verdant customer
went elsewhere with his inquiry, which dare say
s-TO be continued.
BAD luck is simply man with his hands
in his breeehes pocket and pipe in his mouth,
looking on to see how it will come out. Good luck
is man of pluck toFmeet difficulties, his sleeves
rolled up, working to make it come out right
THE cutter" most parts of the earth are
supposed to be the parts where there are most
women.
THE only Military Command that the SUIT
Ter understand Charge!
DoNT open your purse too hastily or too
wide-nor your mouth either.
WE hear constantly Of absconding rail
road contractors. 1t is not matter of much sur
prise, when 1t is remembered that it is a regular
business with these fellows to make tracks.
HE man who was carried away" by the
eloquence OF q certain popular preacher was brot
back ON the following Sunday by the same infu-
ence that carried him away
WHEN is a smack on the mouth no otfence9
When Ii Is received from the lips of pretty wo-
man.
WAC in Detroit has been taking liberties
with the reputation of the Pontiac railroad He
was asked whether he knew of an accident on that
road and replied "Never-but once mid ile-aged
gentleman left Pontiac for Detroit and died OF old
age at Binghampton-half-way
WHEN a broker loses all his money he is
dead broke; but when he dies he is a dead broker.
LOVES fetters were formerly made of
flowers, but in our day gold bonds are preferred.
In Southern exchange we find column
containing what is termed "A brief tribute to the
memory Of sketched ,cIae sitting up ,cih the
/ body"
: Halloo, Mr. Engncman can't you stop
, your steamboat minute or two 2 stop the boat!
What for? ?" ''Wife wants to look at your bi er
she's afraid of il Dustin"
/ DEAR me" said Mrs. Partington to Ike
the other day, she was reading the paper what
an excoriating circumstance. poor, dear man! /
suppose it was the wind on the stomach did it. DR.
Bellows bust Ike at once seized the paper and
found the paragraph, alarmingly headed refer
/ red TO a marble bust of the reverend gentleman on
view at a statuary repository.
WHY is a dogs tail a very great novelty
/ because no one ever saw it before
"MY dearest Maria" wrote a recently
married husband to his wife She wrote back,
Dearest, let me correct either your grammar or
your morals. You addr, SIS me My dearest Maria
Am | to suppose you have other dear Marias?'