Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1866-03-01

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and I hope that from henceforth and for
ever, no lawyer will persoom to come before
this honorable court with pisen documents
to prove his case If he do this court will
take it as insnlt, and send him to jail"
look upon this case as a waruin to all
folks who gamble in law, to hold good
hand and play it well. High jestice and
patriotism are winnin trumps.
After this I had difikulty with man
By the name of Kohen, and l thought l
wouldent go to law, but would arbltrate.
had bought Tom Swillins wheat alta dollar a
bushel If he couldent DO any better, and II
he could do any better he was to cum back
and giOe me the preference. The skamp
went off and sold the wheat to kohen for a
dollar and five cents, and Kohen knowd all
about his contrakt with me. Me and him
like to have fit, and perhaps would if l had
not been puny; but We finally left it all to
Josh Billings to arbytrate. Old Josh de.
liberated on the thing for three days and
nights, and finally brot in award that ko-
hen should have the wheat, and l should
haze the preference. l baint submitted no
more cases to arbitration since, and my ad
vice to all peepul is to arbytrate nuthin if
your case is honest, for there amt no judge
there to keep one man from trikin the other.
An honest man don't stand no chance no.
where e1cepiu 10 a court house with good
LAWYER to back him. The motto of this
case is, never to arbitrate nothin but bad
case, and take good lawyers advice and
pay him for it before you do that.
But I got Fretman--I dident, but my
lawyer Marks did. Fretman was nutmeg
schoolteacher who had gone rounl my na'
borhood with his school artikles, and l put
down for Troup and Calhoun to 60, and in
tended to send seven or eight more if be
proved himself right. l soon found that
the little nullifer wasent believin in any
thing, and on inquiry I found that Nutmeg
was givin powerful long recesses, and was
employin his time chiefly in carryin on with
a tolerabul sizd female gal that was goin to
him. Troup sed he heard the gal squeel
herself one day, and he knoWed Fretman
was squeezin of her. l don't mind our
boys squeezin of the Yankee gals, but I'll
be blamed if the Yankees shall be squee.
zin ourn. So got mad and took the chill.
dren away. At the end of the term Fret.
man sued me for eighteen dollars, and hired
q cheap lawyer to kollect it. Before this
time had Termed some sense about law.
yer, so hired good one, and spred my
pocket book down before him, and told him
to take what would satisfy him. And he
TUX. Old Phil Davis was the jestice.-
Marks made the openin speech to the effek
that every professional man ought to be able
to illustrate his trade, and be therefore pro.
posed to put Mr.. Fretmau on the stand and
smell him. The motion was fout hard, but
it agreed with old Phil's notions Of "hIgh
jestice," and says he, "Nlr. Fretman you
will have to spell sur" Marks then swore
him, that he would give true evidence iu
this case, and that he would spell every word
in Dan'l Webster's spelling book correkly
to the best of his knowledge and belief, so
help him, go. T saw then that be war trim
lin all over like cold wet dog. Says Mark
"Mr Fretman, spell "tisik 5" we'll he spelt
it, putin in phi and tn and gh and
=h, and don't know what all, and l thought
be was gone up the first pop, but Marks
said it was right. He then spelt him right
strait along on all sorts of big words, and
little words, and long words, and short
words, and afterwords and he knowd em all
till 6nelly Marks ses, "Now, sur, spell Om'-
pompynusatk." Fretmau drawd long
breth and sed it wasent in the book. Marks
proved it was by an old preacher who was
settin by, and old Phil spoke up with pow.
er, ses, "Mr. Fretmau you must spell it,
sur" Fretmau was sweatin like a run
down flly, He TUX one pass at it and missd
"You can come down, SUI" says Marks,
"you've lost your case" And shore enuf,
old Phil, gave verdick against him.
Marks was a whale in his way. At that
same court he was about to nosuit doktor
because be dident have his diplomy, and
the doktor beg'd the court for time to go
home after it. He rode seven miles and
back as hard as he could lick it, and when
he handed it over to Marks very triumfant-
ly, Marks ses, "Now, sur, you will take the
stand and translate this Latin into English,
so that the court may understand it,
Well, he jest eaved, for be couldn't do it.
He lost his case in too minets, for the
old squire said that doktor who couldeut
read his own diplomy had no more right to
praktis than magistrate who couldentread
the license that was to jiue two couple to-
gether This is warnin to all professional
mon to understand their business, and the
moral of the case is, that a man oughtent to
be squeezin the gals when anybody can see
him. But don't want it understood that
I'm agin it on proper okkasions and IN
tender manner There aint no squeelin
necessary.
But must close this brief episte.
Yours, truely, BILL ARP.
P. 81 forgot to mention that the
Freedman's Buro have had me up because
Mrs Arp turned off her nurse for not talk
ing baby talk to her chile. She said that
my wife throwd cheer at her head. The
lyin hussy was there wearin Mrs. Arp's
collar and shawl that she'd stole. Ipinted
EN- out to the Buro, and left in defiant dis