The evening Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1861-1871, 1866-11-30

How do you arrive at the hight of a church
steeple on q hot day? Perspire.
The art Of book keeping taught in one short
and easy lesson-Never lend them.
sWake up here, and pay your lodging" said
the contribution box.
What is the difference between summer dress
in winter and an extracted tooth One is too
thin and the other tooth out. 81
Before sslove comes in at the door," it would
be well for him to peep through the keyhole.-
He might see something that would prevent him
from entering.
An old sailor at the theatre said he supposed
that the dancing girls wore their dresses half
mast a mark of respect to departed modesty.
There are multitudes of people who destroy
themselves through irresolutian. They are
eternally telling about what they mean to do,
but they never do it.
A polite young lady recently asserted that she
had lived near barnyard, and that it was i'm
possible for her to sleep in the morning-on &C
count ofthe outcry made by gentleman hen.
That young man to whom ''the world owes a
living" has Just been turned out of doors-the
landlord not being willing to take the indebted
ness of the world on his own shoulders.
A facetious gentleman of Florence was recent
ed water on the ballet girls. He maintained
that it was his way of applauding."
A Connecticut divine, of the radical school,
recently preached on a Sunday morning from the
text: 'Ye are the children Of the devil" and
il the afternoon, ''Children obey your parents"
writer, dwelling upon the importance of
small things, says "that be always takes notice
even of a straw, especially if there happened to
be a sherry cobler at one end of it,"
Brigham Young ia luxuriating in the honey
moon of his forty fifth bride, beautiful Danish
girl of II. He has just lost his twenty fourth
wife, who was buried without any ceremony, or
even notice of her death. ~
A young lady stopped into the store of mer-
chant BY the name of Wade, and very innocent.
ly said she would like to be sceighed Wade -
Greatly ain very sorry" said he "but my wife
will tell you that you are too late by couple of
years.
An Irshman was asked what was his religious
belief ''Is't me belafe ye'd be asking abont 2"
said he. otis the same the wildly Brady.
owe her twelve shillings, and she believes IN
never pay her and sure that's my belafe, too ~
Daughter" said fond mother, who the oil
speculation had made aristocratic, ''has Mr..
Brown proposed YETI" Eyes, ma" exclaimed
the daughter she proposed that we go down
this evening and get some raw oysters"
WHISPERS AND KIssEs-The editress of the
Lancaster Literary Gazette says she would as
soon nestle her nose in a rats nest of swingle
tow as man with wbiskers to kiss her." We
don't believe word of it. The objections which
some ladies pretend to have to whskers all arise
from envy. They don't have any.
In town not far from Boston, q clergyman
was visiting district school, where little boy
was put forward by the teacher to ''speak a
piece" because be was bold. When he had
d>ne, the clergyman praised him by saying,
"Whv, my little lad your not afraid, are you ?"
''No, sir | amt afraid of nothin" amt afraid
OF skunks p
The following ia a list of Commemorative
weddings" Two years after the wedding is the
paper wedding" the fifth anniversary is the
wooden wedding -. the tenth the ''tin wed
ding the fifteenth the ''crystal wedding :" the
twentieth the "china wedding :" the twenty.
fifth the ''silyer wedding" the ffteth the
''golden wedding" the seventy fifth the ''dia-
mond wedding"
A gentleman just returned from the north, and
who is quite critic in fashions and matters Of
toilet was describing to lady friend the latest
bonnet sported by the New York bellies He
concluded his minute and happy artistic sketch,
to which the Young lady listened with deep at
tention, as follows. Il assure you Miss -,
the New York bellies wear nothing else"-Net0
Orleans Picay1uee.
good story is told Of rustic youth and
buxom country girl, :. ho sat facing each other at
a husking party. T.fSsouth, smitten with the
charms of the beautiful maiden, only ventured
sly look and now and then touching Patty's foot
under the table. The girl, determined to make
the youth express what be appeared so warmly to
feel, bore with these advances q little while in
silence, when she cried ous "Look here, if you
love me, why don't you say SO; but don't diuty
my stockings"
Alphonso was fishing. he had flung over
the parapet of q bridge his slender line
arcaed with a hook, and fitted with quill
float, and he waited patiently upon fortune.
To him there srrove the rprightly Theodore.
"Alphonso, friend of my SOUL" remarked
the latter, what sport have you had ?" "Not
even, said Alphonsc, with deep sigh, as
he sent his fost yet once again down its
swim, mot even celebrated Cartheginian
General" ''Indeed.' said Theodore, "are
there many of that sort of fish in these wa
ters?" 81 did not" said Alphonso, with
grave smile, mean fish. | meant An
nible."-[ Fun Almanac.
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