The Van Buren press., 1866-03-03

AuuIOI hOHtTS was u man Ol EIcdt
modesty but limited means. One night a
robber attacked him, and the Major fought
for half an hour, but was at last ovcrpow-
cred and robbed eighteen pence.
els that all you have got 90
Every cent
Then what made you fight so long .
'Dldn'twant my poverty exposed said
The modest major.
-" Crooks wonders where all the
pillow cases so to. He says that he never
n ked girl what she was making. when
she was engaged in sewing, but she an
swcred-a pillow case.
-Parents, said a solemn lecturer,
"you have children; or if you have not,
your daughter may have
-ln negro class meeting at Rich
mond, sam Crow was called to pray; and
before he had closed his prayer, the leader
called out, Sam Grow, you may take your
seat. and let Cullee Sugden pray ; he is
better acquainted wild de Lord dan you.
Another was called to order, and told if he
could not speak more to de point dan dat
he might take his seat.
WHY is a king the most sue
cessful anglers Because it is never diff.
cult for him to find perch.
-Even if you heart is in a cause, it
doesn't follow that You should put your
foot in it.
III the interchange Of lead and iron
compliments between soldiers, il is thought
more blessed to give than to receive.
The wisest man may occasionally
do weak thing the most honest man
wrong thing; the proudest man a mean
thing and the worst of men will some
times do good thing.
-DulletS can sing and whistle, but
they are net pleasant musicians
In the days of the draft a good
looking but poor young man married
rich old maid to get money to buy sub
stitute. That fellow married as military
necessity.
-Te destroy rats--catch them one by
one and Aatten their heads in lemon
squeezer. 10 kill cockroaches- pair
of heavy beots, then catch your reaches,
put them into barrel, then get in yourself
and dance.' To kin bedbugs-chain their
legs to a tree, then SO round in front and
make mouths at thcm. 10 catch mice
on going to bed put crumbs of cheese into
your mouth, and lie with it open, and
when mousc's whiSkers tickle your throat
bite. 10 prevent dogs from going mad
cut their tails off just behind their ears.
Here is the pithiest sermon ever
preached: "Our ingress in life is naked
and bare; our progress in life is trouble
and care our cgress out of it we know
not where; but in doing well here, we
shall do well there; Icould not tell more
by preaching year"
"A darkey in Columbus, Ga, lately
attending lecture by a Boston negro ad
vocating the right OF negroes to vote, and
on coming out said he wasn't going to
spend any more quarters on niger lectures
--votin' Amt gwine to poke bread down a
niggcr's mouf.
-Somebody asked Barron Rothschild
TO take venison. "No," said the Barron,
I" never eat veniSon; | don't think it
so coot as mutton" "Oh," says the Bar
ron's friend, 81 wonder at your saying so ;
If mutton is much better than venison, why
does venison cost so much more - i
will tell you WIN this world the people
always prefer vat is deer to vat is sheep"
s- The great WE'LL ut Pithole Greek,
has ceased to flow though it recently yield
ed five hundred barrels per day. The Phil
adelphia Herald wickedly says 1t was
the well in which Wilkes Booth owned a
thirtieth interest, and it is hardly possible
that he has tapped it at the lower end.
- A traveller, stopping at a western
hotel exclaimed one morning to the waiter :
What are you about you black rascal ?
Gou have reused rue twice from my sleep
by telling me breakfast is ready. and now
you are attempting to strip off the bed
clothes. !" Why replied Pomp, "ii
you isn't gwinc to git up, must hab de
sheet, anyhow, cause dey'r waitin' for de
table cloh."
- The hammer at least likely to hit
thc nail on the head is the ninny. hammer.