Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1866-01-04
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIR,

are only eleven jurymen present where is the
twelfth :! ''Please your honor said one of the
eleven, she has gone away about some othe busi
ness, but he has left his verdict with me !"
A confirmed bachelor uses the following
argument against matrimony Calico is a great
prompter Of laziness. If young men wish to ac-
complish any thing Of moment, either of head or
of hand, they must keep clear of the institution,
entirely A pair OF sweet lips pink waist, swell
ing chest pressure of two delicate hands, will
do as much to unhinge a man as three fevers the
measles, a large sized whooping- cough a pair of
bill.
The local editor Of the Richmond Indi-
ana) Telegram recently passed comfortable cor
ner residence in that city, and from the open WIN
doWs OF the parlor the notes from piano come
pouring FORTH accompanied by the inevitable sOh
VINO WILL care for dear mother now?' Passing
around the corner his way led by the window Of
the kitchen, and over the steamng cookine-stoye
and surrounded with all the appurtenances of
COOKING, he had the opportunity Of witnessing
dear mother caring for herself and all the family
besides. His admiration for the daughters musi-
cal talents underwent a collapse
4 BILL Of fare at Paris restaurant an
nounces for the benefit of English patrons that
there can be obtained there ''Lobsters with
sauce OF sharpness, according to bigness Soup
lean with sorrel" 'Beefsteak with tumbled rota-
toes - Lambs s epl8rammes, with small peace
JOHN BUNYAN, a costermonger, was sum
moned before the Marylebone magistrate the other
day, because he would not ''Move on" Mr. Yard
Iy said he thought it very strange that man bear
ing the name of Bunyan should not Progress, -
and advising him to move on for the future when
he was told, let him go for this time.
''lT was ever my invariable custom in nv
youth, says a celebrated Persian writer s.to raise
! from my sleep tie watch, pray and read the Koran
/ | flo.
of practiced virtue, awoke. Behold said I to
him, thy other children are lost in irreligious
slumber while alone am awake to praise God
| Son OF my SOUL said he, it is better to sleep
than to wake to remark the faults of thy brethren -
! AN lrishman who had returned from Italv
| where he had been with his master. was asked in
the kitchen, Yea, then, Pat, what is the lava
| hear the master talking about ?" 'Only drop of
the crater, was Pats reply.
| MARVELLOUS CURE-A young friend of ours
who recently suffered from the presence of sty in
one OF his eyes derived considerable benefit from
the application of cold pigs.
! HTBERNIAN WT.-The Stockton I,,de,ea-
| dent of Sept Is says Yesterday afternoon as an
lrishman was driving mule toward the race-track
he was accosted by man on horseback as follows:
| 'Nel, Paddy, see you have your brother along
with you. To which the witty Hibernian quickly
! replied Eyes, and be me sowl it's divilish clad
! We are to meet our father"
AN IRISH PARADOX Tile Irish Fenians
have committed gross absurdity in their illegal
drilling The Fenian ''circles' have been endeay-
oring to form themselves into squares
lT is said that there was never but one
man who wasn't spoiled by being lonized-he was
Jew, and his name Daniel
SHERIDAN was walking in the suburbs of
Lopdon one day arm in arm with boon compan-
| A B.-r syagl Il HI
to his friend Hes great geoiS is that Sheridan"
That fellow has murdered the word. observed
Sheridans friend. ''OhnO," replied Sheridan, '.he
has only knocked an EYE ont of it.
\ MAN coming home one night rather late,
a little more than half seas over feeling thirsty
procured glass of water and drank it. In doing
so he swallowed small ball of silk that lay i'll the
bottom of the tumbler, the end OF the thread
catching between his teeth. Feeling something in
his mouth, and not knowing what it was he began
to pull at the end, and the little ball unwinding he
soon had several yards of thread in his hand and
still no end, apparently Terrified he shouted at
the top of his voice Wife wife | saw wife
come here, / am all unraveling"
IT is easy to say "knOw thyself," but who
is to introduce you? Most people go through life
without making the advantageous acquaintance in
question.
An INGENIOUS RIDDLE--IIcar the Quebec
Gazette riddles 1T was done when it was be-
gan it was done when it was has half done and
yet it wasn't done when it was finished Now
what was it? OF course you can't guess. Will
that do Timothy Johnson courts Susan Dunn
1t was Dunn when it was began, it was Dunn when
it was half done, and yet it wasn't Dunn wha1 it
was dOne-for it was Johnson.
4 LAWYER who was sometimes forgetful.
having been engaged to plead the case of Offend
er, began by saying-'I know the prisoner at the
bar, and he bears the character of being a most
consummate and impudent scoundrel" Here
somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was
his client when he Immediately continued But
what great and good man ever lived who was not
illuminated by many of his contemporaries.
'How do you like the character of st.
Paul ?" asked parson of his landady one day.
during conversation about the old saints and
apostles. "Ah! he was good, clever old soul
know-tor he once said, you know that we must
eat what is set before and ask no questions for
conscience sake. always thought I should like
him for boarderi
THE other day several gentlemen were
discussing the alarming prevalence of the crimes
of wife deSertlons women eloping with other men,
&C. when a well known Teuton who had been lis
tening with great attention stepped up, and in an
excited manner said: If my wife runs away nit
anoder mans wife, | Will shake him ont Of her
preeches if she be mine fader, / Will
How long Eve, the first woman, lived, we
do not know. 1t is curious fact that in sacred
history, the age, death and burial of only one wo-
man, Sarah, the wife Of Abraham is distinctly no.
ted. Womans age ever since appears not to have
been subject for history or discussion
SOME cute yankee has invented palpi-
tating bosom for the ladies' which is set in motion
by n concealed spring. well-spring of affection
in the heart is Il much older and more valuable in
vention. 1t don't need winding up except twice u
wear with a new bonnet
Mrs. SMlKEs says the reason why the chill
dren of this generation are so bad is owing to the
wearing of Balmoral boots instead of old fashioned
slippers. Mothers it too much trouble to take off
their boots to whip children, so they 60 unpunish-
ed
AT a SOiree the other evening one gentle
man pointed out dandfed looking individual to
his friend as a sculptor. What said his friend,
''such n looking chap as that a sculptor? Surely
You must be mistaken" HE may not be the kind
of one you may mean, said the informant but
know he chj--led tailor out of a suit of clothes
last week.
CHARLES LAMB, when little boy, walking
with his sister in a church-yard and reading the
epitaphs, said to her where are all the naughty
people buried?'
LOOK at the pages 6fyour own heart and
you will dim reflection of what the recording
I