The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1866-12-13
LOVE WITHOUT NONSENSE.


Not a Bit Lille q Noue,--4 Cupstal tok.
cg on the Modern High layessoTs SGD
Of Doing Il.
Once upon q time there was fail
young maiden whose name was Mary
although they called her Aloll for short
She wasn't tall, dark-eyed maid, with
clear, transparent skin, and lips like
cherries and cheeks suffused with blush.
es. She didn't have glossy black hair,
sweeping back In wavy tresses from her
queenly brow, and her form wasn't a
bit like Hebe's. No, there was none oi
those things-on the contrary she was
short and thin, and had red hair and
fseckles, and she also sported snaggle
teeth and wore pads, but still she was a
right nice young girl, and there was a
young man who fell in love with her,
and his name was Bill, although his
friends called him Wiiiisn when they
wanted to hurt his feelings, for he didn' t
like it much. He wasn't fine looking,
and had neither curly brown hair nor
a mustache. Not much. Bill laid him.
self out on soap-locks, and wore goatee
that he had dyed twice week.
Now this Bill, he was in love with
Mary, but did he 60 and make delibe-
rate ass of himself? Did he, I say, go
into a grove with her, and in the soft
moonlight, by the streamlet that muir
INJURED sweetly by, and with the tender
zephyrs signing through the foliage, fall
down on his knees, seize her jewcled
hand, and breath his deep affection in
the tender accents of fond attachment
and swear 'by yon bright orb above US,
always to be thine?' Did he, l say:
You can just bet he didn't. You can
lay out your whole revenue safely on
that. William knew too much about
the price Of pants to 60 Topping around
Oh the wet grass with his good clothes
on; besides, he never cared anything
about streamlets or any kind of cold wa
ter, except to mix with his gin. No, sir;
it was exceedingly strange, but this in
fatuated William met her at the alley
gate, and he stood right upon his old
legs and says: "Say, Moll, old gal,
sposen we get hitched?"
But how did Mary behave? Did she
go to dropping to sleep over on the
bricks in a dead faint, or did she hide
her gentle head on his shirt bosom to
conceal her bushes? No she didn't, and
she didn't say, II am ever thine, my
own love, dear Williamv' Oh, my, no.
she looked him right in his yellow eye
and says, "I'm in Bill; Pm the gal for
these sort of things. Go in." And in
stead of referring him to her luther, she
right out when you tell himo Ha. ha.'
and she laughed. But she didn't ask
William to try to mollify her fond faith
CT. No, no. She very wickedly advised
him to "poke the old man in the nose if
he gave him any of his lip She was
Il funny girl, this Mary.
Now, the old man wasn't wealthy, for
he sold soap fat for a living, and so he
didn't think Bill was nosing around af-
ter his stamps; SO when Bill asked him,
he neither ordered him fiercely away,
nor did the dewy moisture gather in his
eagle eye as he passed his hemstitched
up there and said, "Bless you, my chill
dren, bless you!" Oh, no, nothing of
the sort. He just blew his old red nose
on his bandanna and told Bill to take
her along, for he was glad to get rid of
her, he was, and William would be the
same way mighty soon, for she was aw-
full rough on victuals, and always broke
plates when she got mad.
So, you see, there really was no neces
solemn hour in cab, and throw rope
ladder up to her window, and whistle
three times on his fingers, and then go
up hand over hand and bring her down
in one hand and her trunk in the other,
and q handbook and an umbrella under
each arm, and a whole lot of bundles,
and then get in the cab and fly to some
distant shore. That's the way it would
have been in novel; but Bill said he
was not on that lay, SO he just went out
in the yard, and out ofpure joy, he skin
ned the cat three or four times OH the
grape vine arbor, and then went and got
his butcher cart, and drove Mary right
down to the magistrate to get the job
done for a quarter-for he said he was
some on the low price, he was.
But the very quecrest thing of all was,
that Bill had no tall, dark, ruffianly RI
val, with scowling visage and black
whiskers, who flew at him with drawn
dagger and horse pistol in each hand,
and muttercd curse upon his lips, and
cried wildly for Revenge, ha! hal" and
said "Sdeathu' and "Villain, thou di-
est" Not any. There was another fel
low in love with Mary, to be sure, but
he was weak eyed young man, who
had sandy hair, and wore spectacles and
choker collar, and always looked
scared when you hollered at him. So,
when he saw that Bill had the best of
the girls affections, he looked all Sc
rene, and said, "Go in, Billy, if you
banker for her." and as Billy was tri-
fle on the banker, he sailed right in.
c. yIy:ll:o,x, ,,o., coo Lol - 4..,.l,.