Delaware Republican. (Wilmington, Del.) 1843-1874, 1866-09-10
GIVING HIM A SWEAT,


GIVING HIM A SWEAT.
Any one having a keen sense of the ludic-
rous can always have bis fill, If he attend
| Aldermen's offices during the examination o
cases.
Some cases are of sach a character as Il
combine the pathetic and facetious; others ar,
solely OF the humorous order, while third
class are melo-dramstic In their tone,
We were present one day last week when
case was brought before down town Alder
man, which may properly be cassed among
the serio-oomic, though the complainant may
not have considered it as such, for he evi
IDENTIFY saw NO joke in 1t, whatever those present
at the hesring may have thought.
Dennis o O'Shaughnessy (the complainant) was
middle aged Celt; he charged his wife with
assault and battery, she having beaten him
while he was lying In bed, sick with severe
cramp. Dennis was small pattern OF man
weakly looking and pale, while his robust wife
was stout and tall, weighing probably one hun
dred pounds more than he. She was evidently
able to take care OF herself, and stood in no
fear OF the law. In fact, she was of such q
build, and general appear lnce, that any man
belligerently inclined, would doubtless hesitate
ere he made any hostile demonstratious against
her.
himself in his cushioned arm chair, announced
that the court was open for business. The
complainant was requested to state the nature
of his complaint which he did as follows:
'Misther Aulderman, plaIe yer wurshio, me
name is Dennis 0'Shaughnessy. Pm an Irish
man -
There, there, that will do, interrupted the
magistrate, with a smile, your name and ac-
cent proclaim your nativity; it needs no verbal
confirmation on your part
Yes, yer honor said Dennis, Pm an irish
man, an a layborer be thrade; an this woman
pointing to his self-possessed better half, lis
me wife Biddy. | wur TUX down wild the
eramp In me shtumuk three days agone, an
send fur doctbsr. He came an left bit O.
paper wild scrisblih on it, an sed my wife should
go to the 'pothecary an get some physic which
wud give me q shweat.
'Afther the docther wur gone, me an me
wife thried to make out what wur written on
the bit o. paper, but, your honor, though me
wife be fair scholar, she could make uayther
head nor tail out of 1t, nor I, though am not
as larned as Biddy, me wife. Betune US tive,
we came to the conclusion, yer honor, that the
decther was an ignorant Dutchmsn, for the
eonseription (as he called the paper) wur writ
ten in Dutch. So Biddy threw the thing in the
FIRE, an ses she to me: Dennis me boy, the
docthsr says ye need a shweat, an the docther
must think we are two oud leather headed
fools, to go an pay twinty Eve or Gtly cents for
'shweat medicine, whin can give you wun
widout any expinse at all, at ALL
Good fur ye, ould GIRL ses |, 'bLt be mighty
quick about it, ses |, fur the pain is murth-
erin me intirely.'
'Wid that, she left the room, yer honor, an
wud you behave it, she returned wild shtrp G.
leather two ieet long an' one inch wide, an
catching me be the nape OF the neck, she bait
thered me about fur about fifteen minutes, an
gave me such batin' as | haven't had since |
wur a boy. thought, when she begun, that
she wur gone crazy, go tAried to take the
sh,rap away from her; but, yer hsnor, the more
thried that trick, the faster and heavier the
blows fell upon me poor back.
'Biddy, me darlint, ye are numbering me-, |
cried.
Pm ownly givln' ye chape shweat. ses
she, batting away like stame engine.
Il tell ye, ye are KILN me. said |, jumping
out o. bed wild the pain.
'Divil bit, I'm putin life into ye,' replied
she.
80 she battered away fur about ten minutes
more, then tossed the shtrap In corner, an
me into bed, an covered me up; then TUX seat
before me, and in the coolest manner ared me
hotp fsh"
Now, your worship, ye have heard the facts
oy the case, an hope you'll punish her sa.
varsly for the saltin' an batherin' she gave me,
her sick husband
The magistrate smiled more than once during
Dennis statements, while the crowd OCCASION
ally roared. When the poor fellow concluded,
the worthy dispenser Of Justice said
How was your cramp after you had received
the castlgation7'
Sure an it LEFT me intirely, replied Dennis,
with silly expression of countenance.
And you purchased no medicine pursued the
Alderman.
No, sur
And have you had any symptoms of the
complaint sincef
No, sur
$50 you saved twenty Ave or ATTY cents and
you got rid of your cramp''
Yes, sur
Dent you see, then, Mr.. 0'Shaug ghnessy,"
said the magistrate, trying to keep sober
countenance, that instead of coming here to
complain of your wie's i'll treatment, you
on ght to be thankful that you have go eco
nomical helpmate She not only saved the
expenses Of Doctors bill, but actually turned
physician herself and effected @ cure which no
doctor could have done with more speed or
SKILL
Och, uurther hear him now, cried Dennis,
as with staring eyes he appealed to the crowd
the aulderman takes me wife's part, an calls
a divil ov batin 'doctorin'. Be jabers, your
honor turning to the magistrate again, 'it 1t
had been yerself instead O. me, I'm thinkin' ye
would not have called 1t doctherin', nor feel
any ways grateful, a ye would advise me to do.
She shtruck heavy, mind tell ye
THAT may be- replied the alderman, smiling
but for every blow she struck, she saved you
a cent
'Yis, but I'd rsthur have done widout the
ba,in', an paid the money, returned Dennis,
feeling his back.
Possibly but the beating cured you; and as
you have not sustained the charge of assault
and battery l cannot commit Mrs. O'Shaueh-
messy, Tor IL 10 clear that sha only did what she
thought would benefit you; and it has proved
so, therefore pay tue costs, and go home with
your wife, kiss, and be friends, aud be thank
tul that in possessing her you have saving
@its and practical physician always handy in
the house
Madam, said the functionary, addressing
Mrs. Us, before dismiss this case we will
hear your defence, though to be sure, there is
no necessity for it, only thought you might
want to say something
with 2 complacent look the stout Milesian
stepped forward, and spoke thus:
Your honor, have little to say in me difinse,
fur you have shown the good sense OF under.
shtanding the case completely. Me husband
wanted shweat, so the docthur sed, an I
knew chaper m ode Of givin' him one than to
be crammin' doohurs shtuf down his gulet.
| list bated him as have frt q Iently done In