The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1866-01-02
A FEW THOUGHTS ON KEYS.

qualifications as srbiter and agent of those vain
attributes, "mine and thine;" he takes no in
terest in futile distinctions, He never locks any
thing up, knowing the 1nutiiity and peril OF the
act. IL adds nothing to the security of property
but is apt 10 inspire others with too strong an
interest IN il. Nothing venture, nothing have"
is his favorite proverb, but with more enght
ened signi6cation than 1t generally conveys.
He looks upon key as a mystic entity Of diabo-
lcal poweTs-a talisman which can confer on
inert matter, such as wood, iron brass, leather,
etc., the faculty of battling and circumventing
you in the effort to get at your own possessions.
This is in fact the only sound view of the
subject When once the mind has recognized
this truth every single key on your bunch will
assume peculiar physiognomy, even as IT pos
sesses an idiosyncrasy. One key will come into
your family with acertain malicious glitter about
it-a defiant swagger and sparkle about 1t that
foretells the life long struggle you are destined
to have with 1t. You see at once that it will
''rather bend than break, /" and rather break than
open your box, desk, drawer or portfolio, as the
case may be. Another will wear q dull and
gloomy air-a "here today and gone tomorrow"
sort OF aspect as good as an epltaph, ana much
more veracous.
Housedoor keys have been seen of so trucu-
lent and forbidding countenance that their
very Lresence in the lock is supposed to have
scared away the prowllng depredator; one, In
deed, has been known-on a remarkable occa-
sion-to have "comprehended an auspicious
person." and to have done good service in the
capacity of q life-preserver.
What family has not at times, possessed some
meek little tea-cajdy, or perhaps cellaret key,
which, however facile and ehectual at other
times, was lable-in any sudden exgency-to
fall into so painful state Of hamper and EN-.
barrassment as no effort of its owner could
soothe OF politely tegned indifference on the
part OF visitors alay? .... ...
What household but has its own legendary
"reminiscences of keys strangely lost and mystic
rously regalned ?-keys that have gone and
hung themselves (for no human agency is ever
traceable on these occasons) on wrong rings,
and wandered madly into wrong pockets? I'm
pulslye keys, that have been found apparently
trying TO open wrong locks of their own accord,
and have broken short off in the effort to recover
themselves. Industrious keys, which, on some
favorable occasion, have so improved the
shining hour that wax has been found In their
wards? Precious keys (of tills and iron safes),
each fondly supposed, by It's possessor, to be as
unique of its kind as the silver decadrachm of
Alexander the Great, yet suddenly discovered to
have twin brothers as experienced as themselves
in the duties of their Officer
The most careless observer will have been
struck by difference in the outward semblance
of keys apparently subjected to the same exter-
nal influences
The generic tendency of all keys to spontane-
GUS reproduction is perhaps most remarkable in
the CtdUS do1nesticd or key OF private life whose
prolific qualities may be tested by simple eXpe-
Timent. A very small bunch of them left in any
confined space during a few months absence on
the part OF their owner will be found on his re-
txrn to have colonized the whole drawer. In
fact, single keys should never be left under these
keys In no time 1t is supposed that they sprout
like asparagus in damp weather. or are produced
like button-mushrooms IN a hot-bed 1t Is sim
gular fact that this reproductive faculty is 20 be
found in no other metallic substance, however
fashioned; locks never multiply OF their own de-
vices; you may leave any number OF sovereigns
or halt-crowns together, yet never find an addi-
tional siXpence among them; sometimes quite
the reverse.
The awkward consequences which may arise
from this property OF the key of domestic life
may be easily imagined. You may come some
day In transport Of anxious haste to the recep-
tacle of your more important keys, to seek for
Clet us say) the key of the medcine-chest in
some moment of an exquisitely emotional char
acter such as your infants having gulped
down it's mothers thimble: instead of the de-
sired key, you find mob of little nameless OBJ
iectless keys, staring you In the face, tripping up
your fingers, and maddenng you by their null
tiplicity and inane uniformity of aspect. Gu
riousy enough, these "tadpole" keys, as they
may be called, have at first no special physiog.
nomy; it is only when launched into practical
existence, and apporuoned among the key-holes
of real life that they grow to be as distinct in
appearance, and as diabolical IN character, as
their elders.
Such is the essential nature of these 'shining
mischieis." Tricky, deceitful, capricious-never
TO be trusted out OF your sight, and full Of irri-
tatlng associations when IN 1t; informed by some
devilish intelligence that onlV leads them wrong,
and provocative of evil impulses in others:-
with all the rash deXterity of witt for purposes
of annoyance yet powerless to do even the small
good Tor which they were intended.
We cannot avoid taking side glance at GER
tain keys whose qualifications are universally
alluded to in polite conversation and refined
literature, but which have never yet been col
lected, labelled, and catalogued, as they ought
to be.
We are constantly hearing OF 'the key to So
and-so's extraordinary conduct" 'the key 10
certain PERSONS Vaccinations" 1.-THE key OF
L ord Somebody's conscience" "the key to every
bodys secret thoughts and private affairs y
These things, no doubt, have a real eXistenc ce;
we cannot do without them; they are an import
ant part of those rather threadbare properties"
which belong to the worlds stage las 1t Is gene
rally called) and elites poor play" But has
anybody seen them? They are probably knock
ing about IN that aesthetic "green-room" OF COM
monplace, to which we ali know our way; from
whence we draw those slashing wooden swords
and TIN bucklers that are so effective in all argu
ments; those spangled coats and jenkins in which
our poor thoughts occasionally strut so bravely;
those banners, with grand inscriptions, which
look quite as well as opinions, at a little dis
tance. There also may be found ''all that useful
lot" OF hyperbolic essences
The entities of things that are not yet,
Subtlest, but surest beings
such as the wedge whose thin end is always
being introduced INTO our most venerable inst
tutions; the hinge on which momentous affairs
habitually turn; the hypothetical leg which
nobody has gotto stand on in all arguments; the
other side to every question; in short all the
mdtertet for sensible conversation. These things
are in constant requisition and daily use; but
like the mysteriously circulating shoe in the
game of "hunt the slipper their existence is
only made manifest to the senses by the sound
ing rap with which we shuttle them round in the
polite intercourse of good society.
1t would be a good deed TO fix, substantlate
and classify these useful but volatile possessions
that they may be always at hand when wanted
IN public speech or private conversation-morI