The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1866-10-05
ATlcInus Ward i'm London.

Mn. PuNcH--You'll be glad to learn that
We made good impression on the mind of
the landlord of the Greenlion tavern. He
made a speech about me last night Risin'
in the bar, he spoke as follers, there bein
over 20 individooals present "This North
American has been an inmate of my 'ouse
over two weeks, yit he hasn't made no at
tempt to scalp any member of my family.
lie hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or fur
niture of any kind Hear, hear. l find
| can trust him with lighted candles. He
cats his whites with knife and fork.
I People of This Kind should be encuraidged.
propose 'is 'elth" Loud 'plaws1
What could | do but modestly get up and
express fevint hope that the Atlantic cable
would bind the two countries still more
closely together? The landlord said my
| speech was full of originality, but his idee
was the old stage coach was more safer,. and
he tho't tho people would indoIs the opinyin
in doc time.
I'm gettin' on exceedin' we'll in London.
see now, however, that made a mistake
in orderin' my close after left home. The
trooth is the taller in my little village owed
me a pig and didn't see any other way of
gettin' my pay. Ten years ago these close
would no doubt have been fash n Bile, and
perhaps they would be ekally sim lar ten
/ years hens. But now they're diff rently
The taller said he know'd they was all right,
because he had a brother in Wales who kept
him informed about London fashins reglar
This was n infamus falsehood. But as the
ballud says (Which l heard gentleman
in q new SCOT of black close and white kid
! gloves sing tother night,) Never don't let
US despise man because he wears a raggid
coat don't know as we do, by the way,
/ tho we centrally get out Of his way pretty
rapid; prob'ly on account Of the pity which
tears our bossums for his unhappy condi-
ton.
This last remark is SARCASTIC and with
erin thrust at them bloted people who live
in gilded saloons. tho't Id explain the
the meanin' to you. l frekently have to ex-
plain the meanin' Of remarks. know one
man-he's man Of varid complishments-
/ who often reads my articles over 90 times
sfore he can make anything of 'em at ALL
Our skoolmaster says this is q pecoolearity
of geneyus. My wife says it is pecoo-
liari,y Of Internal nonsens She's ex-
| ceedin' practycal woman. luv her muchly
however, and humer her httle ways. It's a
recklis falsehood that she henpecks me, and
| the young man in the naberhood who said
/ to me one evenin', as l was mistenin my
diafram with gentle cocktail at the viii
lage tavun-who said to me in this very lam
gwidge, $50 home, old man, onless you de-
sires to have another teapot throwd at you
by 3. j." probly regrets havin' said SO.
l said, BETSY Jane is my wives front
name, gentle yooth, and permits no per-
son to alood to her a. b. j., outside OF the
family circle, ov which am principally it
myself. Your other observations I scorn
and disgust, and must polish you of"
He was able bodied young man, and re-
movin' his coat, he inquired if I wanted
to be ground to powder? | said yes; if
there was a powder grindist handy, nothin'
would afford me greater pleasure, when he
struck me painful blow into my right eye,
causin' me to make rapid retreat into the
fireplace. hadn't no idee that the enemy
was SO well organized. But / rallied, and
went for him, in rayther vigris stile for
my time Of life. His parunts lived near by,
and will simply state Is minits had only
eiapst after the first act, when he was car
rid home on shutter. His mamma met
the solum procession at the door, and after
keerfully looking her offspring over, che
| said, "My son, | see it is distinctually
You've been foolin' round q thrashin' ma
sheen. You went in at the place where they
put the grain in, cum out with the straw,
and you got up into the thingamyjig, and
let the horses tired on you, didn't you. my
son 7" The pen of no living orther could
desesihe tLat uis,ornlt young man-s s,.ty-
walton more clearer. But was sorry for
him, and went and nussed him till he got
well. His regl lar original father being alb
sent to the war, told him I'd be father to
him myself. He smilt o sickly smile, and
said I'd already been wuss than two fathers
to him.
| will here observe that fitin orter be allus
avoided, excep' in extreem cases. My prin
ciple is if man smites on the right cheek
I'll turn left to him, probly; but if he in
sinooates that my gram mother wasn't all
right, I'll punch his he'd. But ftin' is
missile bisness, centrally speaking, and
whenever any enterprising countryman Of
mine Gums over here to scoop up Briton
tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which
it is a sad fack thus far been the case-my
only sorrer bein' that tother Teller wasn't
scooped likewise. It's diff rently with scull-
ing boats, which is a manly sport, and
can only explain Mr.. Hammilrs recent de-
feat in this country on the grounds that he
| wasn't used to British water. | hope this
explanation will be entirely satisfactory to
all
As remarked afore, I'm getting on well.
I'm aware that I'm in the great metrop lis
Of the world, and it doesn't make me un-
happy to admit the fack A man is o ass
who dispoots it. That's all that ais him.
| know there is sum people who cum over
here and snap and snarl about this and that.
| know one man who says it is shame and
disgrace that st. Paurs church isn't older
edidce; he says it should be years and even
! ages older than it is; but decline to hold
myself responsible for the conduct Of this
idyit simply because he's my countryman.
spose every civilized country is endowed
with its full share gibberin' idyits, and it
cant be helpt-leastwise can't think of
any effectooal plan Of helpin' it.
I'm little sorry you've got politics over
here, but l shall not diskuss EN- with no.
body. Tear me to pieces with wild omni-
hus HOSES, and | won't diskuss 'em. I've
had quite enuif Of ZEN at home, thank you.
was at Birmingham t'other night, and
went to the great meetin' for few minits.
| hadn't been in the hall long when stern
looking artizan said to me,
"You ar from Wales ?"
No, told him | didn't think was. A
hidgyis thot flashed over me. was Of that
onprincipled taller, and l said" Has my
clothin' q Welchy appearance?
"Not by no MEANS" he answered, and
then he said, "And what is your opinyin
Of the present crisis ~
said, ~ don't zackly know. Have you
got it very bad ~
He replied, "Sir, it is sweepin' over Eng
land like the Cymoon Of the desert!"
"Wall," | said, let it swept"