Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1866-09-20

80 every SUCKER daA t4NtfAf
But row Ills exceedingly funny
Things have altered because you are down
Oh. give me the heart that forever
l. free FROM this worlds selfish rust
Ard the soul whose high, noble erdeayor
Is % raise fallen man from the dust
And when in adversely ocean
victim is likely 20 drown,
An hail 10 the friend whose devotion
VIII LIFT UP a man when he's down
A CAT caught a sparrow and was about 70
devour it, when she sparrow said; " No gentle
man eats till he washes his face The cat,
strusk with this renark, set the sparrow down
aud began to wash his face with his paw, but
the sparrow flew away. This vexed puss ex-
tremelv. and he said. As long as live viii
eat fts. and wash afterwards which all cats
do to this day.
"BRAGvoaeLB is unable to disclose the
name Of the new head dress the ladies have
adopted. but says: &C. It looks ike section Of
Newfoundland dog hide, tanned with the hair
on. drawn tightly over half Of musk-lnelon,
neatly combed and oiled, and fastened on the
back Of the head" Bragfoggle' should be
tanned formaking such odious comparisons
-ss-s
No JoB.-A Hard Shell Baptist preachedn
Washington City lately, and took for his text,
God made man in bis own image" He thus
commenced: Sc An honest mans the noblest
work Of God. Then be made long pause,
aud looked searchingly about the audience then
exclaimed But God Almighty hasn't had q
job in this city for nigh on to fifty years
DEAD HEADs.-" Tro-tbirds of the members
Of my church, SAYS a pastor, are honorary
members. They don't come to theprayer-meet-
inss; they don't attend Sunday School they
don't add to the life Of the church; they are
passengers on the Gospel-ship; they bear no
burdens, add no strength, their names are on
our books, they are honorary MEMBERS
THE editor Of the Woonsocket Patriot makes
merry over the mistake of an old Shanghai hen
Of his that had been setting for five weeks upon
two round stones and a piece Of brick. Her
anxiety, quoth he, " is no greater than ours to
know what she will hatch If it proves a
bricE-yard, that hen is not for sale"
WY does the operation of hanging kill a
mau?' inquired Dr. Whately. A psychologist
replied; Because inspiration is checked, cir
culation stopped, and blood suf'uses and con-
gests the brain" Bosh " replied his Grace ;
ait is because the rope is not long enough to
let bis feet touch the ground"
one exceedingly warm day in July neigh
Dor me, Old Joe II. and remarked that it was
very not. "Yes," says Joe, "Iiit wasn't for
one thing should say we were going to have a
thaw' What Is that p inquired his friend
There Is nothing froze," says Joe. The man
went his way much enlightened.
ATALE OF Vol clasped her tiny hand
in mine, Iclasped her beautoous form 1 vowed
to shield her from the wind, and from the
world'scold storm. She set her Leauteous eyes
on ne, the tears did wildly flow; and with her
little lips she said" Coafouud You, let me
60"
"INEvER so to church. said a country
tradesman to his parish clergyman; "Ialways
spend Sunday in settling accounts The min
lister Immediately replied You viii fud the
Day of Judgement viii be spent in the same
way"
THE individual who tried TO clear his con-
science with an egg. is now ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
hisspirits with yeast. If he fails in this, it is
his deliberate intention TO blow out his brains
with bellows, and sink calmly into the arms
Of young lady.
MUsr Go.-NIr. MODERATE. who represents
PopularviIe in the legislature, SAYS he must get
home. His wife writes him that they have
two calves, ten lambs, eight pigs, four kittens
and-sh-John come home
ALWAYS You have been sorely tried. ,
said a sympatbizing friend Of Joe Crowdon
weeping over the GOTTA of his third wife
" Yes. replied the bereaved one, 4 have al
ways had tie dreadfulest luck with women"
No NEws.-3Irs. Wiggles expressed her dis
appointment the other day on taking up thc
paper, thus: "Loy' sakes, there amt a singl,
living person dead that L know. It seems tc
me there amt no news in this ere paper"