The Portland daily press., 1866-05-07
MISCELLANY.
Jokes-New and Old.
From Harper's Magazine for May.l

tN'o"s H~peT . AIoJ0@sHe JOT M0y.l
Some years ago, shortly after the introduc-
uon OF the Illinois Central Road through that
portion OF Illinois known as Egypt" an hon
est countryman, who had lived some forty
years or thereabout in blissful ignorance of
everything pertaining to the "keers,n was ap-
pointed station-agent at c., one of those
little out-of-the way places where, as Dickens
says, 'no one could by any possibility want to
get of or on" On receiving his instructions,
he was told, among other things, that as C
was merely flag station" trains would stop
only when some one wished to get off or on,
and that if he wanted to stop any train he
must "fag"it.
Shortly after his appointment, accordingly,
as the mail" came laundering on, he placed
the magic red flag in position-the signal to
stop.
AS the car drew up to the station. the con-
ductor jumped of on the platform, with his
accustomed "AH aboardF at the same time
asking If there were ANY passengers to ge-
on"
"Wa'al, not as knows Of" was the puzzled
agents reply. P'~N
"Then what did you stop the train for ?n
shouted the irate conductor.
Gant know but some un might want to
get Oft" said the obliging "agentS in con
scious tone of injured innocence.
Old Parson Patton is one of the old-fash-
Toned preachers who are guiltless of Greek
and Hebrew, but do vast amount of good in
their peculiar way. He lived in Central Mis-
sour at the time the war broke out, was
stanch Union man, and the fright to seceden
not having at that time been decided by the
"mexorable logic of events" was the subject
OF frequent and animated discussion between
the Parson and old Colonel B, one of his
flock. The Colonel maintained and dcgmati-
cally decided that the right of secession was
implied If not expressed in the Constitution,
and, If not $50 nominated in the bond," it
should be. The Parson was called to oficiate
when Mary, the Coloneps daughter, proposed
to become Mrs. Epperson. All parties were
ready on the floor. The Parson, (deyiating
from the text) asked,
do you, Mr.. Epperson, take this woman to
be your lawful and welded wife, to love and
cherish" etc., "as long as it suits your conven-
ience?"
"Hold on, Parsonl What is that ?"
Nothing, Brother B. said the Parson:
Il am only putting in the secession clausep
A son of the Emerald Isle. having Joined
the army, leaving his wife in Memphis, was
surprised on his return, at the expiration of
three years, to find that she had gone to St.
Louis. Following her there, however, the
lost was soon found, and all went well until
she, representing in glowing terms the fat liv-
ing and good pay afforded by Uncle Sans
Quartermaster's Department al De Valps
Bluff, Arkansas, he proceeded thither, his wife
bearing him company. But scarcely had they
reached there before the perfidious woman
"took up with another man." coolly informing
her husband that she had married him (No.2)
during his mo. 1's) absence. Indignant az
such treatment, suit by No. was instituted,
and at the trial, before justice of the Peace,
the following remarkable decision was render
ed by the exponent of Coke and Blackstone:
"The Court decides that the woman's first
husband, being her husband, can not testify in
the case; therefore, for want of testimony, the
Court declares the second husband the wo-
mans lawful husbandp
Happening to be in Hartford, Connecticut,
on the 7th and 9Th of January last, during the
severe cold weather, heard milk peddler
thus describing the extent Of the same to a
friend: ~ live four miles west of the city, and
it was SO cold this morning when went out
to milk that the stream froze from the cow to
the pail, and was obliged to sell it by the
yard" I was fully convinced that it was Sc
we're when LEANED that the thermometer in
dicated twenty-one degrees below zero, but