The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1866-01-04
FIERCE ASSAULT ON THE BACHELORS.
Spicy Manifesto of Ghe Lively widows
Single BIessedness 40 be Suppressed.

SDtcy Manifesto of Clle Lively WfdOwE-
Single BIessedness 40 be Suppressed.
From he Georgia Weekly
HEADQUARTERS ARMY OF LIVELY WIDOWS,
January l. 1S66.-Whereas, 1t is now patent to
all women and the rest Of mankind, and hath
become a matter OF scapdalous notoriety, tnat
most unholy, unnatural, and entirely unneces.
sary combination against the rights of women
in general, spinsters in particular, widows as
concomitant, is now existing, to the detriment
o civilization, decrease OF population, and abro-
cation of wedding and christening parties, and
held together by the traitorous proclamation or
one (so-called) General Celibacy, | Dame Lieu
tenant-General BalmOral, of the Army of Lively
Widows, now encamping on the territory of
our Former Husbands, do hereby issue the fol-
lowing:-
SPECIAL ORDERS.
l. 1t is particularly enioined upon all Lively
Widows, no matter Of what rank, to precisely
and exactly remember that the so-called General
Celibacy is q notorious imposter we'll known TO
us as that infamous escaped convict, whose true
name is Male Flirt, and that he is hereby de-
cared outlawed, and wherever and whenever he
may be caught he is to be married on the spot to
some one-eyed false-toOthed, cotton investing
woman, old enough to be his grandmother, and
that Immediately thereafter he, the said Male
Flirt, shall be put to lifelong nursing Of other
mems babies, the Crossest and ugliest being
selected therefor.
II. Commanders viii on every possible occa,
sion ambush the toe, remembering he is said to
be strong, and certainly is robust in a variety Of
bad habits, but he is very weak in certain
points, and can easily be led into the bushes,
where his capture or determination is almost
certainty. When cornered he is consummate
goose, and buries his head under the idiotic idea
that his whole stupid carcass fuss feathers, and
all, Is invisible.
Ill. As the policy Of the foe is declared to be
an avoidance of engagements, urge HIM vigor-
Ously to the WALL cut of his retreat by forcing
him to believe that he is in your power, and
the probability is that he will surrender uncon-
ditionally. Remember that ne will certainly
Ill. 14Vn Ga1f fcn,,
and Happiness, and that these being made of
earth, are easily overcome by hand-to-hand
W Should the foe prove very stubborn, and
apparently resolved to die in his tracks, let all
Lively Widows recall their former inyincible
Valor and overwhelm him with those ways and
means which have never failed to conquer man.
kind
V. As the foe is eminentIy skilled, in his
opinion, in Matrimonial Military and Strategic
Tactics-we know his own deplOrable ignorance
1t will be waste Of time and material TO
attempt to cut him of in detail therefore the
advance will be made en- masse-our spies and
scouts having ascertalned that his formation is
totally in hollow heads and spongy hearts, and
his supply OF ammunition, mental and physical,
TldlculOuSly minute. Owing to the heavy taxes
imposed upon him by his Dictator Bad Habits
aud Tax Assessor General Dissipation we believe
him wholly unable TO sustain the first charge Of
the army OF Lively widows, under command OF
Lady General Common Sense, supported by
Lady General Rosy laps
vi. Our heavy artIIlery, under command Of
Lady Colonel True Attachment, being unwIedy
in the present campaign, will merely make
vigorous ieint on the enemy's left to cover the
rapid advance of our cavalry corps, led by Lady
Breyet Maior-General Wooing Words, against his
centre, while the second division Of the same
corps will, under Lazy General Bright Wit
attack his unprotected rear seMchingly, and
thereby throw his entire front INTO a perfect
Danic. This viii be readily accomplished as
the enemy has no acquaintance with Bright
Wit or any Of that style Of fighting. As soon
as the panic crises which viii be simultaneous
with the first demonstrations on our line OF
skrmishers, as we know there Is a strong Union
sentiment prevailing in his ranks, especially
among the cOnscripts, none Of whom have ever
been Tilted, a pleasure General CelibAcy expert
cnces monthly-the main body, twenty lines
deep, led by myself General Balmoral the 'for-
lorn hopen of Ancient Widows, in fun battle
regalia, with banners and bonnets high adj
vanced, hoops expanded, plumes flying, English
gaiters displayed, ribbons fu5teriing, silk rust
Ing, satins shining, perfumes hoating, lips pout-
ing, bosoms swelling, necks arching, eyes spark
ling, teeth entrancng fairy forms dancing,
sweet voices, regimental yolleys pouring, guitars