The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1866-12-20
LOVE WITHOUT NONSENSE.

Not Bit Like a NoveI-A Capital Take
Off on the Modern High Pressure s yle o.
Doing 1t.
Once upon time there was a fair youp
maiden, whose name was Mary, although
they called her MoII, for short. She wasn'I
a tall dark eyed maiden, with clear trans
parent skin, and lips like cherries ana
cheeks sutfused with bushes She didn't
have glossy black hair, sweeping back in
wavy tresses from her queenly brow, and
her form wasn't bit like Hebe's No,
there was none of those things-on the
contrary, she was short and thick, and had
red hair and freckles, and she also sported
snaggIe teeth and wore pads, but still she
was right nice girl, and there was a
young man who fell in love with her, and
his name was Bill, although his friends
called him William when they wanted to
hurt his feelings, for he didn't like it much.
He wasn't fine looking, and had neither
curly brown hair nor a moustache. Not
much Bill laid himself out on soaplocks,
and wore goatee that he had dyed twice a
week.
Now this Bill. he was in love with Mary,
but did he go and make deliberate ass of
himself! Did he, say. go into grove
with her, and in the soft moonlight, by
tue streamtet that murmured sweetly by,
and with the tender zephyrs signing
through the foliage, fall down on his knees
seize her jeweled hand, and breathe his deep
affection i'll the tender accents of fond at
tachment, and swear by yon bright orb
above us, always to be timer Did he, /
say2 You can just bet he didn't. You can
lay out your whole revenue safely on that.
too .Ior e
pants to go hobbing around on the wet
grass with his good clothes on; besides he
never cared anything about streamlets of
any kind OF cold water, except to mix with
his gin. No. sir; it was exceedingly strange
but this infatuated William met her at the
alley gate, and he stood right up on his old
legs and says: Say, Mol, old gal, s'posen
we get hitched p
But how did Mary behave? Did she
go dropping to sleep over OH the bricks in q
dead faut, or did she hide her gentle head
on his shirt bosom to CONCEAL her bushes !?
No, she didn't and she didn't say Il am ev-
er thine my own love, dear WilliaIn!p Oh,
my, no. She looked right i'll his yellow
eyes aud says, ''I'm in Billy; I'm the gal
for these sort of things. Go IN! And in
stead of referring him to her father, she
only said, Won't the old man bust right
out WHEN you tell him Ha! HAP aud
she laughed But she didnt ask William
to try TO modify her fond father. No no
She very wickedly advised him to poke
the old man in the nose if he gave him any
of his lip" She was a funny girl, this
Mary.
Now, the old man wa stI't wealthy, for he
sold plat for living, and 80 he didn't
think Bill Was nosng around after his
stamps; SO, When EIl asked him, lie neither
ordered him hcrcely away. nor Did the dew }
moletute gather M lhs eagleeye as t pass
ed his henetitche'i up there d SAID Bless
you, my children, bless yuu' Oh. uU
nothing OF the sort lie just blew ms Old
red II lst on his bdutIana and told Bal Ia
take hei aiong tnr ht vas glad 10 81 rid
of her, he was, aud William would tic tlit.
same way mighty sou, for size vas av fu,
rough on victuais, ana always broke plates
when size got mad
So, you see, there really was no necessity
for William To come AT Midmght's solemn
hoar, in cab, and throw rope-ladder up
to her window, aAd whistle three times OH
his fingers, aud then go up hand ovc~ hand.
aud bring her down i'll Que hand, and her
trunk i'll another, and j baud box aud all
umbrella unde- each arm, and whole lot
of bundles, and then get in the cab and fly
to some distant shore That's the way it
would have beeu Ia a novel; but Bill said
he wasn't Oh that lay, SO he Just went out
in the yard, and, out of pure ioy, he skin
ned the cat three or four times on the grape
vine arbor, aud then went aud got his
butcher cart, and drove Mary right down
to the magistrate, to get the job done fol
a quarIer--for he said he was some on the
low price, he was.
But the very queerest thing of all was,
that Bill had no tall, dark, ruffianly rival
with a scowling visage and black whiskers
who flew at him with drawn dagger anc
horse pistol III each hand, and muttered
curse upon his lips, and cried wildly for re
venge. Ha! ha and said, Sheath I" anc
''Villain, thou diest!' Not any There
was another fellow in love with Mollie, t
be sure, but he was weak eyed young
man, who had sandy hair and wore specta
cles and cnoker collar. and always looked
scared when you hollered at him So wher
he saw that Bill had the best of the girl,
affections he looked all serene, aud said
go in, Billy, if you banker for her !" anC
as Billy was trife on the banker, he sail
ed right in
So William, you see, had no trouble a
all-and you couldn't get up an agonizip:
novel about him, if you tried. He didn'
have any urgent business that called hin
20 foreign land, and so he had to bid he
a fond good bye, and swear always to b
true: and then go away aud forget her AM
fall Ia love with dark eyed Italian girl
picking grapes in vineyard, with a squar
towel folded on her head, while his forgot
ten and forsaken Mary gradually faded aut