Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1866-02-06

To relish joke, and rejoice in pun
-GoldsusitA
1t is strange that the greatest bores are men of
40 point.
A fop is like cinnamon trea-the bark is worth
more than the body
Demijohns are known by the more refined
name of spirit wrappers"
Whist fruit does newly married couple most
resemble? A green pear.
When shoemaker goes TO make boot the
FIRST thing he uses is the last.
Why should favarite hen be called Macduff2
Because we wish her to lay on.
Why is love like ducks foot? Because it Of
ten lies hid under the breast.
The man who wears loose shoes habitually and
avoids exercise is q corndodger.
The man who couldn't ''trust his feelings" is
supposed to do business entirely on the cash basis
There's brandy smash, as a wag said when
the drunken man fell through pane OF glass.
you'll find ground at tho bottom, my dear"
said man to his wife when she fell in the river.
If you crack rough jokes at other peoples ex-
pense, you may get your head cracked at your
own.
In ancient times they were but ''three graces;;"
the accomplished women of our day have ten
times that number.
'Do you play by the ear" inquired pupil of
dancing-school fiddler. mo, my DEAR play
by the night"
Woman-The morning star of infancy-the day
star Of manhood-the evening star OF age.-Bless
our stars
Wife (complainingly} II havn't more than a
third of the bed.'' Husband, (triumphantly)-
'Thats all the law allows you"
We saw poor fellow yesterday whose left hand
had been shot off by cannon ball. The man
who fired The cann6n-shot OFT hand.
Husband" said an exasperated wife, I les cant !,
express my detestation ofyour conduct" We'll,
dear, I'm very glad you can't" was the cool re-
ply.
A shrewd confectioner in Waterbury has taught
his parrot to say pretty creature" to every lady
who enters the store. His custom is rapidly IN
creasing.
A revivalist, looking for recruits, found a large
sized African and asked him, Have you found
the Lord % II Golly, MASTER is de Lord lostT p
said Sambo.
''Lal ma, look at the baby moons" was the
briUZiaut exclamation of an intellectual little
child while gazing at the stars. Supposed to be
an editors child.
A woman was advised to try kindness on her
unruly husband-that it would heap Goals OF ire
on his head-replied that she "had tried boiling
water but it did not bit of good"
Hundreds, and even thousands of old maids are
starting out for California. The California bach
elors can have no right to consider them misfor-
tunes, for they will, unlike misfortunes, come
single
A schoolboy having good-naturedly helped an
questioned by the dominic, 'sWhy did you work
his lesson?" ITO lessen his work, /" was the i'm
mediate reply
A pious African fell head foremost into eel
lar which afforded him an open entrance. Soon
as he arose he exclaimed: "Bress heben dat lit
on my headl If dis niger had scraped his shins
SO hard spec he broke his leg"
The following lines are as good as any found in
Mother Goose's Melodies
The horse bit his master,
How came that to pass7
Because he heard the pastor
Say ''all flesh is grass"
The writer of the following squib must relish
the joys of a soldiers life:
Old Job when tempted by his wife
Proved in the trial true;
But if he'd try q soldiers life
I guess he'd swear a few.
A rough old sea captain, when theterrifed pas
sengers persuaded him to petition heaven TOR
cessation of the tempest, preferred the following
brief request: 20, Lord, L havnt been IN the
habit of calling upon thee often and if you will
shift the wind from the southwest to little more
south, wont trouble you again"
A physician, passing by stone ma a shop,
work, see You finish your grave-stones as far
as 'In memory Of" and then wait, I.suppose, to
see who wants monument nextW why, yes,
unless somebody's sick, and you doctoring
him; then l keep on" says Stonecutter
A hard she'll preacher wound up flaming ser
mon with this magnificent etfusion:
my brethren and sistern, eff a mans full OF re-
figion you can't hurt him. There was the three
arabian children; they put 'em in fiery furnace
hetted times hotter than it could be het, and
it didn't swinge har on their heads. And there
was John the Evangeler; they put him-and
where do you think, brethering and sistern, they
put him Why they put him into calad r.
of bilin' lie, and billed him all night and didn't
faze his she'll And there was Daniel; they put
him in a lions demand what my FELLOW travel
ers and respected audtories; do you think he was
put into lions den for? Why, for prayln three
times day Don't be alarmed, brethring apd
xstern don't think any, Of YOU will ever get in