Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1866-02-01
The Sorrows OF a AecGraa.er.

For the benefit of @ certain class OF am
bilious men who aspire to become popular
lecturers, I send you few items Of my ex
perience. I went to Southern Illinois to
get started as o lecturer. I told my hotel
keeper that this was my first effort in the
lecture line. That did not care for money
if could only get started | was unfor-
tunate on that occasion both in my subject
and my audience. Ny subject was "The
urgent necessity for an immediate revival
and thorough reorganization of the Know
Nothing party" My audience were all
Irish. [ got started.
Being advertised by tLa nom de plume Of
''The fat contributor, my audience is some
times disappointed in the SIZE Of the lectur-
err. Such was the case in a town [ visited
in Minnesota last summer. My audience
was small, owing to the public being sudden
ly and seriously indisposed-t they were
indisposed to come to the lecture. Myaudi
ence, in fact, consisted of but one people.
He was a gentleman. began my discourse
"Gentlemen and Ladies'" but changed
quickly to ''Respected Sir" Before |
could proceed any further, the audience rose
Indignantly to its feet as one man.
inquired the cause Of the interruption.
tsSir,' he said "the audience is disap-
pointed in the size Of the lecturer"
''Well, my dear sir said 7, 'the lecturer
is disappointed in the size Of The audience,
and if you will not say anything about size,
| won't"
He allowed me to proceed, and at the
conclusion, was 50 well pleased that he urg
ed me to stay another night, when he prom
ised me a-puch larger audience. He could
not come himself, but he would send his
wife, who weighed two hundred and sixty
five pounds. didn't stay.
| have had good deal Of money in my
houses at one time and another-general.y
in the pockets Of some wealthy man in the
however. I borrow some to come home
with
have had some large houses. The larg-
est house / ever had was in Louisville, Ky.
That house must have been two hundred
feet long, ninety feet wide, while in height
it came pretty high-took all the receipts
to pay rent A Louisville editor said good
thing about me- lie said: "The Fat Con-
tribucor' lectured last night to q small
house His style resembles ArtemEs Wards
but he has not the case and grace Of Arte-
mus before an audience" As though
lecturer CUuid De Ut etSS DtloTc au HuUlEIICc
that would not pay expenses. As grace ac-
companies meat. and there wasn't profit
enough in the house to buy meat. where's
your grace?
He said in continuance that I would i'm
prove with practice, provided I had capital
enough to continue the practice. And this
in the face of the acknowledged fact that
had a capital lecture.
The fullest house I ever had was at Pit
hole City in the Oil Regions. Every man
who came was full Of beer. The lecture
went off well, Notwithstanding. It didn't
go off as well as my doorkeeper did. He
went Of with the receipts.
| gave two consecutive lectures at Oil
City. At the conclusion Of the second lee
ture, one of the first citizens 1.-THE second
citizen had not yet arrived rose and assured
me that had delighted him greatly He
said that they hadn't enjoyed themselves go
well since the Thayers were hung. lie al
ded that it was the request of the audi
enee en- masse altogether, that l should stay
another night. The landlord of the hotel
where ] was stopping, arose somewhat has