Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1866-05-24
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

A Justice better verscd in law than gos-
pei, married a couple in this way:
g Hold up your hands. You solemnly swear
that you will faithfully perform the duties of your
Office, jointly and severay according to your best
skill and judgment, so help you God. That's ALL
fee one dollar" .s...... ....
A LITERAL FACT" Didn't you tell me you
could hold plow!" said the farmer to the Irish
man he had taken on trial "Be aisy, now, Dsays
Pat How could hold it an two horses pullin'
it away? Just stop the creatures and I'll hold it
for you.
G1vING A CHARACTER Do you know the
prisoner, Mr. Wiggins p "Yes, to the bone"
t'What is his character ?" Didn't know he had
any" ''Does he live ne you ?" $50 near that
he has only spent FIVE dollars for fire wood in eight
years. ....r
IDLENEss.--Idleness is the dead sea that
swallows up all virtues, and the self-made sepul-
cher of a living man. The idle man is the devils
urchin whose livery is rags, and whose diet and
wages are famine and disease.
WE have heard of asking for bread and
receiving a stone but young gentleman may be
considered still worse treated, when he asks
for young lady's hand and gets her fathers foot.
A French writer, describing the trading
powers of a genuine Yankee, said eff he was
cast away desolate island, he'd get up next
morning and go around selling maps to the inhab-
itants."
" All, doctaw, does the choleraw awfect
the highwa awda?" "No," replied the doctor to
the exquisite, "but it's death on fools, and you'd
better leave the city at once"
Prentice says girls will differ One of
them lately broke her neck III trying is escape be-
ing kissed, and great many of them ready to
break their necks to get kissed. ....
" William" said teacher to one of his
pupils, lean you tell me what makes the sun rise
in the east?" Don't know, Sir" replied William,
''cept it be that the east makes every thing rse"
A land speculator, in describing lake
estate in Cumberland says it is so close and
so deep that b., looking into it you can see them
making tea in China
A WESTERN "local" acknowledges the gift
of ''two bouquets smiling in their paper frills
do girls faces within their laced night caps" That
man is too imaginative to be kept prosaic items
MRS Partington asks very Indignantly,
if the bills before Congress not counterfeit why
there should be SO much difficulty in passing them?
A WHITE man in st. Louis became enraged
at negro, the other day, and was about to strike
him with brlckbat, when the colored man fell
back on his reserved right Look here white man,
don't you strike me wild dat rock-don't you do
it, sar. I'd hab you know dat when you strikes
me you strikes bureau!
HoUsEKEEPER's MAxINs. Never say
| dye until you have had your silk turned twice.
| Good wine needs NO bush, but homemade Cham
payne does need the gooseberry-bush.
| Don't count your chickens before they're hatch
| ed and avoid as much possible having them in
| your breakfast eggs.
Half a loaf is better than bread, and half
| stale loaf will go further than new bread.
| The BEST RECoMNENDATIoN.-A youth seek
| ing employment came to New York city, and on in
auiring at certain counting-room if they wished
| clerk, was told they did not Onmentioning the
| recommendations that he had one of which was
| from highly respected citizen, the merchant de-
sired to see them. In turning over his carpet-bag
to find his letters, book rolled out on the floor.
| ''What book is that p said the merchant.
1T is the Bible, sir, was the reply.
"And what are you going to do with that book
| in New York."
The lad looked seriously into the merchants
tace and replied, u promised my mother ilool@d
read it erery day, and shall do 1t.
| The merchant Immediately engaged hls services,
and in due time he became partner In the nrm-
one of the most respectable in the city.