Dallas herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1849-1873, 1865-10-07
Artemus Ward Again.
The New York Saturday!:Press,. has the
following Especial from Artemus;


BALDISsvILLE, ,slsJi,SSY,
Sept. the onct, 1888.
was summund homs from Cinsinna,y
quite suddin by y lettur from the Superyi-
GERS of Baldlnsvillc, sayin .as how grato
things was on the Tappis in that air town
in reitcrunse TO cellabrntin the complcshun
of the Sub -Mershine Telegraph \ akin
me to be Pressunt. Lockin up my Range
roo and wax wurks in a seizure stile, took
my departcr for Baldinsville-- 'my own
my nativ Ian" which gut intwo at early
kandle litn on the follerin night & just as
the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware
commensin.
Baldinsvile was trooly in n blaze of glo-
ry. Near can forget the surblime speck-
! ticul which met my case as l allied from
| the siaige with my unbreller and vernise.
| The Tarvern was lit up with taller kan.
| dies all over Il a crate bon fire was burnin
in front thareof. Transparency was tied
onto the sine post with the follerin wurds:
"Giv us Liberty or Deth." Old Tomkinsis
grocery was illuminated with five tin Ian
turns and the fsllerin Transparency was
in the winder: 'The Sub Morshine Telle-
graph & the Baldinsville and Stonefeld
Plank Road-the 2 crate events of the 10Th
| CcHtCrTy--may lHtCotlucs StTlle never mar
their grandjure.'
Simpkins shoe shop was all ablase with
HANDLES and lantuns. A American Eagle
was painted onto flag in winder-also
these wurds, viz "Ths Constitooshun
must be preserved" The Skool house was
lited up in a CRATE sile and the winder
, tilld with notices amung which notised
the follerin: "Trooth smashed to erth
, shall rise again--you can't stop her,
''The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whensc
awl but him had fed "Prokrastinashu
is the theaf of Time" "Be 7irtuous and
you will be Happy" ''Intempcrunse has
cawsed n heap of truhble-shln the Bole,n
and the follerin sentimunt written by the
skool master, who graduated at the Hudson
Kollige. "Baldinsville sends greetin to
! Her Magisty the Queen & hopes all hard
feelns which has heretofore previs bin felt
between the Supervisors of Baldinsyille
and the British Parliament, if such there
has been, may now be wiped from our
Escutchuns. Baldinsville this night re-
joiscs over the glorious event which Sc.
mentz crate nashuns onto ono anuther
by means of o olecktric wire under the
roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. Quosque
tantrum, butter Caterliny, patent nos.
trum! !"
Squire Smiths house was lifted up re.
gardless Of expense. His little sun Will
liam Henry stood upon the roof frin orf
crackers. The old Squire hissclf was Dress
ed up in solier clothes, and stood on his
doorstep, pinting his sword solemnly to an
American flag which was suspinded on ton
Of a pole in front of his house. FREQUENT
ly lie would take orf his cooked hat & wave
it round in a impressive stile. His oldest
darter, Mis- Isabeller Smith, who has lust
come home from the Perkinsville Female
Instertoot, appeared at the frunt winder of
the west room rs the goddis of liberty g.
sung, ~ see them on their windin way."
Booteus 1, sed to. myself, you Dir angil
4 nothin shorter. N. Bonepart Smith, the
Squire's eldest sun, drest hisself up as
Venus the God Of Wars, and red the Dec
leracion of Independence from the left
chamber winder. The Squirc's wife didn't
jjine in the fcstiverties. She said it was
the tarnulest nonsense she ever seed. Sez
she to the Squire, "Come into the house and
60 to bed, you old fool, you. To-morrer
you'll be going round half ded with the ru-
mertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till
you git well.'
Sed the Squire, "Betsy, you little appre-
State the Importance Of the event which I
this night commemorate" Sez she, "Com-
memerate cats tail come into Ike house
this instant, you pesky old critter." "Bet-
sy," sez the Squire wavin his sword, '.re-
tire" This made her .jist as mad as she
could stick. She retired, cum out agin
putty quick with painful of Billin hot
water which she throwed all over Squire,
& Surs, you wood hav split your sides lar
fin to see the old man jump & holler s. run
into the house.
Except this unpropishus circumstance
all went as merry as q carriage bell, as
Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Hutchinsis offss
was likewise lighted up with Transpiran-
cy on which was painted the Quean in the
act of drinkin some Of "lIutchinsis invigo-
rater," was stuck into one of the winders.
The Baldinsvillc Bugle of Liberty noos-
paper offiss was also illumernated, & the
follerin notices stuck out-"The Press is
the Arkermejan lever which moves the
world" "Vote Early" "Buckle on your
Armer." "Now is the time to Subscribe
"Franklin, Morse s Field" "Terms 81 80
a year-lib, raj reduckshuns to clubs
In short the village Of Baldinsville was
in q perfect fewroar. never seed so many
people thar befOur in my born days. lie
not attemp TO describe the scenes of that
crate night. Wurds wood fale me eff
should try to do it.
l shall stop here few periods and enjoy
my "Oatem cum dig the tates, as our skool
master observes, in the buzzum of my fam
erly, & shall then resume the show bisnis,
which I've bin into twenty-five Coy years
ond s;x I6l mnnths