Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-10-31
WIT AND HUMOR.
4 very poor look out Jail window.


very poor look out = Jail window.
Good audience for an auctioneer--6ny- ISLANDERS.
when is q flower like rock7 When it ia blast
To prevent shippers IN h.ms-eat them We
mean the hams.
Why is the letter F like original sins Because
it makes all fall.
If brevity is the soul of wit, the man who says
aothing mnst be considered the wittiest.
Why would ladies make better traders than
naen Because they never get shaved.
Retchum, the forger, hos snnb nose-so has our
little Touser.
Prentice says that IS man drinks he general
ly grows reckless in which case, adds the Bos-
.on Post the more drains the fewer scruples.
ssMy dear, do you intend to make fool Of me 2
said fop to a young lady.
"No," replied the fair one, "Nature saved me
che trouble
A gentleman, walking with two ladies, stepped
on hogshead hoop, that flew up and struck him
In the face. sGraciousi'' said he, (which Of you
drop'd that"
A man adrertises for competent person to ur-
dertake the sale of new medicine. and adds that
It will be found profitable to the Ynaertoker. No
doubt of it.
A favorite question with counting men now-a-
days in Virginia, is, s'Has your father been par
doned yet, miss he comes under the 100000
clause. does he not z"
Some men, who, as private citizens, walk erect
and free in the pride of conscious manhood, seem
able to move only upon nil fours whom they are
seeking for Office.
Oh, Dir. drubbles shouldn't you like to have 8
family of rosy children about your kneeS
No, ma'am, I'd rather have lot Of yellow boys
In my pocket. said the old bachelor.
rural contributor says he has enlarged his
establishment, and now keeps head of oxen, a
head of hen, and several heads of cabbage, while
he is also trying to keep AHEAD Of the times.
An Irish dragon exclaimed. on hearing that his
widowed mother had married since he quilted Ire
land s.Muthur! hope she wont have ould-
er than me; if she does, l shall loose the whole
estate
A marrit lady found her two sons engaged in
ouarreling, AMI in hopes Of putting an end to
their differences, said to them:
.sYou young rascals, if yoa don t behave your
selves I'll tell both your fathers"
A Young man of promise, ont in Wisconsin road
The Declaration of Independence at q Fourth of
July celebration. A rural critic asked what
he thought Of it. "Wel he read it very well, but
don't believe that chap wrote it."
A young widow on being asked why she was
going to get married SO soon after the death of
her first husband, replied
do it to prevent frettirg myself 70 death on
account of dear Tom.
"What is colonizing, ma ." asked hopeful
fnss of seventeen.
ssColonizing: my dear, is having home, and
- raising family" replied the mother.
ooh ma, how would like to colonise," ex-
claimed the expeclant daughter
rood deacon making an official visit to a. y-
fng neghbor, who was very unpopular man, pu:
che usual question
.tAre you willing to go, my friend >
80, yes," said the dy ing man.
~ am glad of that" said the deacon, s'for oil
che neighbors are wiling.
A bachelor, after all his matrimonial attempts
pathetically exclaims:
ssWhen remember all the girls I've met TO-
rather feel like rooster in the fall, tx posed to
everv weather; feel ike one who treads alone
Some barn-yard all deserted, Whose oats are fad
whose hens are dead, And off to market started
Small how. on tip toe to his compaEions-sfS h.
stop your noise, all OF you
Companions-ssHello, Tommy, what's the mat
Ger ."
Small boy-eWe've got a new baby--it's very
weak and tired-walked all the way from heaven
last nj ght--musnt be kicking up q row round mere
now %
.cease your ANNOYANCE" said an indignant po-
ct to his familiar, ''ere grasp you by the oand
ub;cb encircles your neck, and hurl you into the
,mmensity of space where it would puzzle Omnis-
c;ence to find you, and Omnipotence to re-organ-
iye tbe scattered remains of the defabricated or
pus which tabernaces your Lllpuuan soul-a
million of which would rattle in the anatomy of
pigmy, or O thousand ambulate minute III the
lo1F of ,xofo rd gQpd
There lived in Chicago, a Woodworking man,
who always attended to business before pleasure
In this he was right One day his wife was ia
ken sick. and the next day she died. The hus~
band kept at his work as usual, and after the fu-
neral he returned 10 his labors.
sHow is this, can't you stop to mourn little
asked one of his neighbors.
ssNo sir, business before pleasure, was the
reply.
Young ladies should be careful in buying music.
A damsel entered q store in Norfolk to buy the
niece of music entitled, "When sleep dream of
thee >, but by one of those lndicrous mistakes
which will sometimes happen to the best of folks,
she astonished the clerk by enquiring If he had
the music entitled, when / dream sleep with
thee!" The mistake brought modest blush to
the cheek of the fair inquirer; ditto to the young
gentleman.
Grammar.-Jim, did you ever study grammar
did,
What case is Squire X----s
He's an objective case
How SO Z
"Because he objected to paying his subscrip-
ton. which he has been owing for five years or
more.
What is 8 noun
don't know; but know what q reneun Is
Well, what is it
Runnino off without paying the printer, anu
,s. ..u on ,be black list as delinquent.
Good +! what is a conjunction
method of collecting outstanding suoscrIp-
.:ons IN conjunction with constable; never en-
Na>-,s ~ ~ aA-s u.,.f, The 'as- syfrsn1!tv