Dallas herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1849-1873, 1865-10-14
Artemus Wards Autobiography
NY HIMSELF.
Nav YoRx, near Fifth AVannoo Hotel,
nry nlrt

Nav York, near Fifth Avannoo Hotel,
Org. 3lct I
Dear Sir--Yrs, into which you ask me TO
send YOU sum lcaiin Incidents in my lNo
so Won can write my Bpgrafy for the papers,
cum dooly TO hand. | hQv no doubt that
article QUITO my life, grammatycally Jerhed
and propcrly punk,ooa.ed, wonld BIO q I'D
dition 10 the shosc litera!oor OF the Day
Ia the yooth of Ameriky it would DO
y,Ilyable "A shown how high pinnykic OF
| fame man eau reach who commenst MS
4 tarrnr with n small canvns tent and pea
gresn OK. which he rubbed 1t oil Will
| seratchin hisself agin the conter poie, eau
! ain in Railway. y. j., u discrimipatn moo
! 10 aay humbugs would not so down IN them
\ village. The OK rcsoomcd agricultoorHl
rurs0ots shortly afterwards -.
Incxt tried NY laud at giyin bllndman
concerts. appcnrin rs the blind man mysen'
| But the infamous cuss who hired to lead
mo around town in tho daytime TO excite
sympathy drank freely Of splrituous
ticker unbchnows to me one day, ana Whi!e
under them infooance he led me INTO 'ho
canal. had to either tear the green ban
dige from myeycs or DO droWnea' Ino"s"'
would restore my eycsign' -, ~,
In written about these things, Mr' IL
tor. kinder smooth 'em over. speak OF eni
as cccentricities OF gen US -
Nv next venture would hav bin success
if | hadn't tried to do too much. 60. up
q series of wax fggera, ana among .h'n
one Of Socrates. tho't wax hgger o,
Old Sock woull be popular with eadicatea
pcple but unfortunately put brown iln''
en- duster and U, S. Army reguianon cap
on him, which peple with clasSScaI euu.
Gov This enter
prisc was unfortnit in other respccks.
Ate certain town [ advertised O wax fig
gcr of the Honorable Amos Person, who
was railroad president, and great per,
pon in them parts. But it appeared hnn
| shown the fgxer for Frut named Cloos IN
that town the prcyis season, which created
| n Intense tocmult, & the audience remarked
"shane onto me-" l. other statements OF the
same similarress | tried to modify EN-.
| | told them that any family possessin chit-
aren could have my she tiger to play WIN
! half q day, s. wouldn't charge en- cent,
| but slars! il was Of no avail. was lorc-
ed to leave. and infer from on article IN
tho Advertiser of that town, in when tne
editor saye, "Alth6 time has silvered TINS
mans he'd with its fIosts, lie still! brazeniy
walloys in infamy. Still are his SNAKES
stuffed, and his wax works unreiiaple. "e
are clad that he has concluded to never re-
visit our town, altho', incredible as II may
appear, the fellow reelly did contemplate 80
doing last summer; when, still true to the
craven instinct of his black heart, he wrote
the hircling knaves Of the obscure journal
across the street to know what they would
charge for 400 small bills, to be done on
yellow paper! We shall recur to this mat
ter again"
I saw. | infer from this article that q pre-:
judish still exists agin me in that town.
will not speak Of my once being in
straitened circumstances in sertin town,
and Of my endeavorin to oaccoomulate welth
by lettin myself TO Sabbath school pic-nics,
to gng ballads adapted to the understand
ius Of little children, accompanyin myself
on the clarionet-whch l forgot where
was one day, singing, instead of "Oh, hoT
pleasant to be little child"
"Trip snap--set him up again,
Right in the middle of a throe cont pie
which mistake added to the fact that I
couldn't play onto the clarionet, except
making il howl dismal broke up the pic mic.
In your article, Mr.. Editor, please tell
EN- what sort of . man am.
If you see fit to kriticisc my Show speak
your mind freely. do not object to kriti.
cism. Tell the public, il candid and
graceful article, that my Show abounds IN
moral and 9tarl.n curiosities, any of whom
is wurth double the price of admission.
hav thus far spoke of myself excloo-
sively as exhibitor,
was born in the State Of Main Of pa
rents. AS iuranL attracted great GO!
of attention. The nabcrs would stand over
nv cradle for hours and say: GLOW bright
! IL ro,n IonLi How much IL DOspn' The
Young ladies would carry me round in their
arms, sayin was muzzer's bezzy dnrlia
and sweety 'eety little ting. 1t was nice,
tho vas not old enufr to properly appre-
ciate it. I'm healthy old darlin now.
| have alters sustained good moral
| character. was never q railroad director
in my life.
Altho' in early life did not invably con-
fine myself to truth in my small bills, hay
| bin gradooally growing respcctabler ana
respectabler ev'ry year. luv my children
| and have never mistaken another mans
wife for my own.-Im not member OF
any meetin house, but firmly bleeve in
| meetin houses, and snould't feel safe take r
dose Of laudnum aud lay down in the street
of village that hadn any, with thouE'
and dollars in my pocket.
My temperamentis bilious, altho' don't
own 3 dollar in the world lam early RI
ser, nav wife is Presbyterian. may add
that am also baldheded. keep two cows.
am Sc (56) years Of age. Time with
its relentless scythe is ever busy. The Old
Sexton gathers them in, he gathers them
in keep pig this year.
Idpnt think of anything more, Mr. Editor.
If you should give my portrait in connec-
ton with my Bografy, please bave me in
craved in languishin sttitood, leanin or
a marble piller leayin my back hair as tits
now. Trooly yours, ARTrHus WARD.