Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1865-08-18
Original.
from THH INQUIRER.
THE MOUSTACHE.

Mr.. EDTToR: g3
Some one has remarked that the nous
tache is neither asetid nor ornamental
The latter l VIII admit, but the former as
sertion must deny.
Everything in the world has its uses and |
have recently discovered that the moustache
has its uses too.
And now, without entering into q long
disquisition on the subject, let me briefly
state, separately, its many good qualifiea-
tions.
FIRST, then, it is an eceejieRt filter. Every
one knows the utility Of straw in separating
the cider from the pummace Just so with
the m6ustache, suppose you arise fiom your
bed in the dark to take drink of water.
You grope your way to the table or stand,
take up the pitcher or tin, draw your nous
tache down over the lips, and suck the va
ter thraaaesl.s --.a.lstanha an4;-e--- r.-c--.4
strainer, keeping out all flies, spiders, or
Led-bugs, that may be therein After you
are done drinking, you brush off the rep
tiles" and go back to bed,
Secondly, it is good datch, and win turn
the rain as effectually as the thateh on a
barn, and more durable too, for hair viii
greatly outlast straw
Thirdly, it is profitable when drinking
bmte1miH Fresh buttermilk always
abounds with more or less butter The
moustache will catch the crumbs, which
may be gathered, made into rolls and sold to
the epicurean public as butter of ''erha
faror, thus combining economy and profit,
F6wthly, it isa prOtectire, not only against
the cold blasts of winter, by condensing the
snow and lee, and thus Theoretically sealing
the mouth against the cold, but also as a
shield or cushion at any time, should you be
so unfortunate as to receive blow which
might otherwise knock yoar teeth dozen your
throat In the former case an advantage
might accrue, also, in collecting the ice, ELL
ing your ice house, and thus save the troub-
lie and expense Of hauling it on sleds.
Filthy, it might be used for dipping con-
dies in a manner would suggest thus Have
your tallow in a convenient vessel, dip in
your mustache, when the requisite number
of dips have been made, you will have an
amount of candles proportionate to density
of moustache, each hair constituting a
wick
.Sirthy, it is useful in kissing the girls,
Now it is to be presumed that all girls ex-
pect to be kissed, but all are not equally
agreeable If you are in the act of kissing a
pretty lass, pull your moustache right and
left and sip the nectar" in its purity, on
the other hand, if you are going to salute q
homely one, or pungent old maid, stroke
it right down square over your mouth, and
giUe the snap underneath.
.Sereathly, it is a benefit 10 he poor, which
the washerwoman knows, for it catches bar
rels of tobacco juice and other filth, which
requires to be washed from pocket hand
kerchiefs which otherwise would not be
soiled.
Eightly, il serves to kill time, The adage
says that an idle man brain is the devil S
workshop"
A man need never be out of employment,
he may spend his time twirling his nous
tache, and thus while away many an hour
which would otherwise drag heavily on his
hands or be employed IN something less
commendable.
In addition, by such cultivation he may
rendor himself an amusing paradox to solve,
whether he is catfish or a terrier dog. The
non mustachioed community viii appreciate
this.
Ninthly, and lastly, it might be useful "a
the arts and manufactures When trimmed
off, it would akeexcellent stuffing for sofas
pads, and mattresses, also, set in finger
rings, lockets, breast-pins,& Any surplui
might also be converted into cameIs hal,
pencils, but would, perhaps, be rather toe
stiff
These are few of the reasons, many 9th
ers might be given, why we should exclaim
of moustache este ds perpetual and en-,
deavor to redeem it from the many asper.
sions which have been cast upon it. In
future article may, Mr. Editor, take vi
that other appendage to the human fac,
divine" the fgoat-tee and treat it with th'
| merit it, also, deserves. Until then, adieu
iat IS t VvNpfr. a-rotx