Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-11-16
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

y l.
talk about volume of smoke, and thought you
could read any volume" 49,
A LADY at Terra Haute, Indiana, lost her
waterfall in the street. and little Scotch terrier
seized it and shook it yiciously He probably smelt
''rat" in it.
IHE damsel who was accused of breaking
| young mans heart, has been bound over in the
bonds of matrmony to keep the pieces.
IT is stated as singular fact, that the
smaller ladies' bonnets grow, the more they cost.
WHEN you offer oats to horse he may
say neigh" but he don't mean it.
WHAT is joy?-To count your money and
find 1t a hundred pounds more than you expected
" ILLUSTRATED with cuts !" said mischie-
GUS young urchin, as he drew his knife across the
leaves of his grammar - Illustrated with cuts !"
| repeated the schoolmaster as he drew his rattan
across the back of mischevous urchin.
AN exchange says that divine out west
is trying to pursuade the girls to forego marriage
| He says he succeeded far as to pursuade one
and she was about sixty years of age.
A WOMAN out West, describing her run
away husband, says, q Daniel may be kn )wn by
scar on his nose-where 1 scratched him We
think Daniel did well to away.
IT is very strange that the most garrulous
speakers no matter whether in public or in private,
| are invariably those who are ''unaccustomed to
public speaking"
" MOURN for my bleeding country" said
a certain army contractor to General Sheridan
g SO you ought you scoundrel," replied Sheridan
''for nobody has bled her more than you have"
A MARRIED man who was out at a whist
party when he proposed going home was urged to
stay little longer. ''Well he replied perhaps
l may as well-my wife probablyis already as mad
as she can be-
The bellman of Waterloo, announcing
teetotal meeting, said it would be addressed by six
females who had never spoken before.
The orator who carried away his audi
ence is earnestly requested to bring it back, by
persons who had friends present.
WHY cannot gentleman legally possess
a short walking stick Because it can never be-
tong to him.
AT Printers festival lately, the follow
ing toast was offered Woman-second only to
the press in the dissemination of news"
Mr.. HEN has started a new paper in Iowa.
He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a
living for himself and little chickens.
a CORRESPONDENT perscribes the following
recipe to Danish rats-catch them one by one and
| fatten their heads with lemon squeezer.
CAV! how do you like my moustache,
NTH Maura?" lisped dandy to a merry girl. 20,
very much. 1t looks like the fuzz ON the back of
caterpillar!'
! A COUNTRYMAN was sowing his ground
when two smart fellows riding that way one of them
called to him with an insolent air. well honest
fellow, said he, tbs your business to SOW, but we
reap the fruits of your labor" To which the coun-
| try man replied, ''Tis very likely you may, for
| am sowing hemp"
AN old Dutch tavern keeper had his third
wife, and being asked his views of matrimony re-
| piled 'Nel den, you see, de first time marries for
| lovs-dat was goot den | marries for beauty dat
was goot too, but dis time [ marries for monish-
and dis is peter as both
BRIGGS has great facility for getting
things cheap. The other day he had beautiful
set of teeth inserted for next to nothing. He had
kicked dog.
SWEARING begins in anger; it ends by
mingling itself with ordinary conversation.
WITH the exception, perhaps, of anger
| fear is far more injurious of the human passions.
"THE rich" said poor Jew, "eat venson
because it is deer; mutton because ii is sheep"
RIGHT AND WRoNG.-A girl who was max
| ing dress put the sleeves in wrong. She was I'M
able to change them, she could not determine
whether she had got the right sleeve in the wrong
place, or the wrong sleeve in the right place
| MURPHY was asked how it was so very
difficult to waken him in the morning. Indeed
master it's because of ia ing your own advice al
ways to attend to what I'm about so whenever I
| sleeps pays attintion to it"
A LADY passing along the street, one
morning last winter noticed little boy scattering
salt upon the sidewalk, foF the urpose of clearing
the ice. "Well, I'm sure" said the lady, 'sthat 3
real benevolence." No it amt ma am " replie 4
the boy, its salt
A PHILOSOPHICAL cabman thus speaks of
the section which his wheels make their tracks
| ''If you run over youngster down here said he
'the folks don't say nothn-kase they have got
more children than whites for em-but you jist
run over goat or kid, or pig, and blest if a
mob amt arter you in two minutes.
Mr.. GREEN sued lady for breach of pro-
mise. Her friends offered to settle it for two hun
dred dollars ''What ?" cried Mr. Green, sstwo
hundred dollars for ruined hopes, shattered mind,
| blasted life, and bleeding heart Two hundred
dollars for all this! Never! never! never! Make
it three hundred and It's a bargain! ?"
81 SAY old fellow, what are your poIitics?'
said one friend quizzing another Conservative
| my father was q conservative" tAnd what is your
religion" continued another. Protestant -
And why are you a bachelor?" said the other,
Because my father was 40, confound it don't
bother me with your stupid questions"
CERTAIN minister going to visit one OF
his parshioners asked how he had rested during the
night. "Oh, wondrous i'll, sir" replied he $50,
mine eyes have not come together these three
nights" ' What is the reason of that" said the
other. Alas SIR" said he, because ma nose is
betwixt them
Two centuries ago. not one in hundred
wore stockings. Fifty years ago, not one boy in &
thousand was allowed to run at large at night
Fifty years ago not one girl in a thousand made
waiting maid of her mother. Wonderful improve
ment in this age.
A STRANGER il printing Office asked the
devil what his rule of punctuation was. ~ set uI
as long as can hold nay breath, then 1 put in /
comma, when gap, Finsert semicolon ant
when | want a chew of tobacco, 1 make para
graph
, WHAT ugly carroty-headed little brat i,
that madam! Do you know his name? 2" "Wh,
, -yes-that is my youngest son!" ''You don't sa,
/ so-indeed-why, what dear little dove-eyeC
cherub he is, to be sure" This is the fashionable
} scientific way of backing right square out"