Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-10-26
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE,

FUN, FAGIS AND FAUEIlh.
REFINED Always buyyour chest
nuts billed" said Mrs. Snow to Abemlech, who was
| about investing penny in that little brown COM
modify, cause the raw want looking after,
and the wormy ones you have to throw away but
with the billed ones it don't make no difference
worms can't hurt nobody when they're billed"
DEFINITIONS FOR THE NEXT DICTIONARY
Honor.-Shooting friend through the head whom
you love, in order to gain the praise of few others
whom you deSplse and hate. Firtue-An awkward
habit OF acting differently from other people. A
vulgar word. 1t creates great mirth in fashionable
circles. WedM.-The most respectable quality OF
man.
WHY is the toothache like an unanswer-
able argument because it makes people hold
their jaw.
A DETERMINED advocate of the water-bat this,
especially the Turkish, eXpatiating their bene-
fetal uses to Bruton, said that III old Rome, when
the bath was general resort, there were no doct-
ors IN that land, and not an i'll to be found. Il
| beg your pardon, said Bruton, Rome has always
| been celebrated for her Secen hills"
| A LITTLE girl, after returning from church,
where she a collection taken up for the first
| time, related what took place, and among other
| things she said, with all her childish innocence
| THAT man passed around plate that had some
money on it, but L didn't take any"
joe, my DEAR" said fond wife to her
husband, who followed the piscatory profession on
the banks of Newfoundland, ''do fix up little you
look so sloyenly. Oh what an awful memory it
would be for me if you should get drowned look
ing so !"
wELL-KNowN lawyer had horse that
always stopped and refused to cross the mill-dam
bridge leading out of the city. No whipping, no
urging, would carry him over without stopping So
he ha cold +iarr
than that the over wants to go out of town
Two gentlemen walking together were
talking of the SenSes-seeng feeling, and the like
| One remarked that his sense of hearing was re
markable for its acuteness, while the other was
not wonderfully endowed in this respect, but OBJ
served that his vision was wonderful $ Now, to
illustrate, said he, Il n fly ON the Spre of
yonder church" The other looked sharply at the
place indicated. "Ah!" said he can't see him.
but | can hear him step"
Man leads woman to the altar-in that
act his leadership begins and ends.
NEVER saw such stirring times" as the
spoon said to the saucepan.
THERE was deacon in q town in this
State by the name of Day-by trade a cooper
One sabbath morning he heard a number of boys
playing in front of his house. and he went out to
stop their sabbath-breakng. Assuming n grave
countenance, he said to them: Boys, do you
know what day this is = Yes, Sir, +" Immediately
replied one of the boys, deacon Day. the cooper"
WHY is the letter a gloomy and discon-
tented vowel because though never out of health
and pocket, 1t never appears in spirits.
" YoU can't do that again." said the pig
to the boy who cut off his tail,
I'm attached to you, and yet wish my
self away" as the overloaded donkey said to the
cart.
Why is a stale egg like wicked COM
panion?-Because he's a bad egg-sanqle.
AT one time at Gibraltar there was a
great scarcity of water. An Irish officer said he
very easy about the matter, for he had nothing
to do with water; if he only got his tea in the
morning, and punch at night, it was all that he
wanted"
JAMES the First once went out of his way
to hear a noted preacher The clergyman, seeing
the king enter, left his text to declaim against
swearing for which the king was notorious When
he had finished James thanked him for his sermon
but asked him what connection swearing had with
1t. Since your majesty came out of your way to
hear me, said the clergyman, 81 could not do less
than go out of mine to meet you"
The celebrated divine, Doctor South on
one occasion preached before the Corporation of
Tailors He took for his text the appropriate words
"A remnant shall be saved"
An Irishman being asked by friend
what was meant by an authors posthumous works,
replied that they were the works an author wrote
after he dead"
REST NEEDED" Doctor, | want you to
prescribe for me-" The doctor feels her pulse
There is nothing the matter, madam you want
rest, "Now, doctor, just look at my tongue Just
look at it look at it! now, say, what does that
need?" II think that it needs rest, too Exit
madam in a state of great excitement
The following is a characteristic short
sermon which, it is stated, President Lincoln was
in the habit of preaching to his children Don't
drink, don't smoke, don't chew, don't swear don't
gamble, don't lie, don't cheat love your felow-men
well God, love truth love virtue, and be hap
py"
THERE is a tempest in the teapot of China.
The native dealers are ''buling' the market fero-
ciously.
"CoME till America, Pat ~ writes a son of
the Emerald Isle to his friends in Ireland It's
fine country to get a livin IL. All we have to do
is to get three-comered box and fill it with bricks
and carry it till the top of four story building
and the man at the top does all the work
How To RECEIVE A PROPOsAL-You ought
er toik it kind, lookin down HILL with an express
shun about half tickled and half skart Aftur
thee pop eZ ovur, ef yoor lower wants to kis H. l
don't think 1 wood sey yes nor know, but let the
thing kind Nv take its own coarse.
KINGS never hear the voice of truth until
they are dethroned nor beauties until they have
addicted their charms