The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1865-09-20

DIAN swIyT's RECEIPT FOR couRTsHrP.
Two or three dsars and two or three sweets,
! Two or three balls and two or thres treats,
| Two or three serenades given . lure,
| Two or three oaths how much to endure,
Two or TIL ee messages sent IN day.
Two or three times led out from the play,
| Two Or three tickots TOR two or three times,
Two or three lovslstters writ all In rhymes
Two or three months keeping strict to these rules
Gan never fall making couple Of fools.
An Irishman was indicted at the ASST
ses at Tralee for felony. His innocence was
clearly proved, but not withstanding that the
jury found him guilty. The judge was
shocked, and said:
"Gentlemen, the prisoners innocence was
| clearly proved"
YES" said the foreman, che 10 innocent
OF the crime now charged against him, but
be stole my gray mare last Christmas."
A very loquacious lady offered to be-.
her husband Eve pounds that she would not
speak word for . week. ''Done," cried the
delighted husband, instantly putting down
his money, which the lady IS quickly took
! up and put in her pocket, observing nsively
| that she would secure it until the bet was
| decided. why" said the husband, ave
won il already" and required her to fork
over. mot At al, said he lady, '.you are
mistaken in the time mean the week after
am buried" The lady went shopping the
same afternoon.
Il wine 4 pqIn0n. 50 i-tea-
Only in another shape
What matter whether one is killh
by canister OF grape.
1t has been satisfactorily ascertained
that ducks enter the water for dcers reasons
and come out for sun-dry motives.
"A darkey's instru ctions for putting on
coat were: ''Fust de right arm, den de
left, den give one general con wulsion."
AT hotel one day, a boarier remark
ed to his neighbor, This must be healthy
place for chickens "Why," asked the
other. because never SET any dead ones
! hereabout."
why Bridget said lady who wish
ed to rally her servant girl for the amuse-
!, ment Of the company on the fantastic orna-
mentation Of huge pie, "did you do this ?
you are quite an artist; pray how did you
do il :" "Indade mum, did it meself-
amt it pretty? Ibid it with your old false
teeth, num-"
Now tsat II . word that may often bs Joined
For that that may BE- doubled, il clear to the mind
| And that that that II right ~ plain to the Wow,
AZ Mat that that that We use 10 rightly sssi too;
/ And that that that that tsd< line has, IL right
In accordance with grammar, 10 plain to our sight.
! A wide awake minister, who found his
congregation going to sleep one morning
before he had fairly commenced, after
! preaching few minutes, suddenly stopped
and exclaimed: Brethren, this isn't fair
it isn't giving man half q chance Wait
till get along piece, and then if Amt
| worth listening to, 60 to sleep but dom
do it before get commenced; give q man
| . chance"
! Wont that boa constructor bite me %
said little boy to Snowman.
mo my boy, he never bites-he swallows
his whites whole"
WHAT is the use Of the eclipse ~ ask
ed young lady.
'Oh it gives the sun time for reflection, =
replied wag.
A little girl said Mother is Tom a
good cat .''
YES
"We'll, he'll 60 to heaven, won't he -
Il suppose so, but if you re not better
girl, you'll never 60 there
''Oh :" said the little girl, '.I'll hold on
to Toms tail
The papers state that somebody has
been chipping pieces of the monumental
bust Of Buny An. What Of it! Destroying
. bUnio~ must Of course, be great help to
the piigrisn's progress
-''Sam are you one Of the Southern chiv
airy I" mo, massa, Is ono OBJ do South
ern shoVsiry. l shoveled dirt At the Dutch
Gap Canal"
An i'll looking fellow Was asked how he
could account for natures forming him %
| ugly. Mature was not to blame" said he
'.for when was three years old, Vas CON.
sidered the handsomest child in the neigh.
borhood. but my nurse, to revenge herself
on my parents for some fancied injury u
their hands. one day swappsd me array for
another child belonging to friend Of hers,
whose baby was rather plain looking"
What conundrums are always ct home
Those that are never found out.
~ say Tom, isn't it lucky that fellow
! eyes are crooked!"
why SOL
because if they were match. his red
nose would set them on fire.
Come to Ameriky," writes . SON Of
the Emerald Isle to his friend in Ireland
"Tis fine country to get . living in. All
| ye have TO do 10 to get three .cornered box
and fill it wild brick and thin carry it up to
the top Of . four story building. and the
man 1t the top does all the work
| Why is it impossible for person who
lisps to believe in the existence of young
ladies. Because he takes every Miss to be
Myth.
| 81 don't miss my church SO much rs
you may suppose" said . lady to her min.
ister, who called upon her during her illness
''for | make Betsy sit at the window IS soou
- the bell begins to chime, and she tells me-
who are going to church. and whether they
have got anything now"
/ John II. Surratt, one Of the assassins Vi
President Lincoln, when last heard of, was
1t monastery in Canada
-Barnum, while travelling on board one
of our river steamers where they feed you
for moderate outlay, (seventy-6ve cents
meaD very sumptuously, but the portions
supplied are usually Of microscopic dimen-
sions, called for beef steak at tea time.
The waiter brought him the usual little
shriveled mite Of broiled flesh, certainly not
more than enough for two mouthfuls. Bar
mum poised the morsel on fork, scanned
it critically rs though it were . sample Of
steak subjected to his inspe ction, and then
returned it to the waiter, saying, "Yes, that
| is what mean-bring me some Of that"
A shoemaker was the other day fitting
customer with pair Of boots, when the
buyer observed that he had only one fault
to find with them, and that was that the
soles were too thick ..If that is ALL re-
piled Crispin, "put on the boots, and the
objection will gradually rsar array -
| An important adjunct Of the Naval
School, monitor.