Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-10-31
Artemus Ward in the South,

Arte,nus tells of his adventures in the se-
ceded States at the beginning of the war in
the following manner;
| had a narrer escape from the sonney
South. Tho swings and arrers of outrajus
fortiu," alluded TO by Hamlick, warnt nutll-
in in comparison to my trubles. come pla-
guy near swearln sum profane oaths NOR n
onct, but hope | didn't do it, for I've prom
ised one whose name shall be narneless, Eek
cept that the two first letters of her name are
Besy j. that LII jine the meeting house at
BaldinsviiIe, jest as soon as / can get money
enough togel her, so I can ford to be plus in
good style, like my wealthy nabers. But if
j am con6scated again, shall continner on
in my present bcaighted state for some time.
l fggered couspicyusly 10 many thrillin
scenes on my tower frum Montgomery to my
humsted, and on several occashuns thought
the CRATE commick papor wouldn't mover be
enriched no more BY my lubrications. After
bdden aioo to Jefferson Davis. | started for
the depo | saw niger settin on fence,
a playin on banj,. "My African brother"
says !, "you belong to q very interesting
race-your master is going to war exclusive
ly on your account"
"Yes, Boss! and he went on playing the
banjo, larfin all over, and opening his mou.h
wide enough to drive in an old fashioned TWO
wheel chaiso.
The train of cars in which | was to risk my
valerable life, was the scal;est, ricketest look
in lot Of concerns ever saw Oh wheels afore
"What time does this string of second
hand cohins leave?' inquired of the con-
ductor He sed directly, and / went and sot
down. | hadn't more'n fairly squaited afore
a dark looking man with swiaster express
ion into his couatenance, entered the cars,
and looking very sharp at me, he asked what
was my principles2
"Secesh," answered "Im dissouter.
I'm for JEFF Davis, Beauregard, Pickens, old
bloobeerd, Monroe Edwards, the Devil. Mrs
Cunnipghaus, and all the rest of then.
"Youre 10 favor of the war T.
"CertainIy, by all means. I'm in favor Of
this war aud next one I've been in favor of
the next one for over sixteen years.
"Blad, ergo bIud," said |, though them
words wasn't original with me. Them words
were writ by ebakespere who are dead -
His mantle fell onto the author Of the Seven
Sisters, whose going to have a spring over
coat made out'n it.
We got underway at last, and proceeded
on our journey, at about the rate of speed
which is generally obsarved by properly con-
Quoted funeral professions. A handsum
young gal with red muskeeter bar on the
back part of her head, and sassy little black
hat tipped over forred, sot in the seat with
me. She had little secesh flag pinned to
her hat, and she was going to her troo love,
who had joined the Southern army-and she
war SO bold ard SO gay. So sic told me
she was chilly aud offered Ger my blanket
"Bad liVin7' / az.
eyes, sir"
"Got any Uncle? :"
ga heap Uncle Thomas is ded, tho"
Peace TO uncle Thomas's ashes and sue
cess to him. ! will be your Uncle Thomas,
Lean on me, purity seceshner, and linger in
blissful repose.
She slept as secoorly is in her own house,
and didn't disturb the solemn stiffness with
'ary snore."
At the first stashun troop of sojers en-
tered the cars and inquired if old Wax
Works was on board That was the disres-
pectfuIly style in which they referred to me.
"Bekase, if old Wax Works is on board,
seq man with face like double breasted
lobster, We intend to harg him.
My illustrious and patriotic men, SEE !, a
getting up and taking off shappo, if you al
lude to A. Ward, its my plesin doofy to in
form you that he's ded. He saw the error
of his ways at 10 minutes PAST 2 yesterday
and STABBED himself with sledstake, dying in
6 bootiful tabloos of slow music. His last
wurds war
My professional career is over, jerked no
more
And who be you'
I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law
fire. I'm raino no North Il stsal sncons