The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1865-05-11
VOL. a.
JOB PRINTING,
The Devils Putty And Varnish.


When a man comes tew the konklusion
that he would ike to kill sumboddy at
:hirty PAGES, he imagines that he haz bin
wrouged, and sends hiz best friend q
challenge tew fte dewell; tha meet,
and an elegant murder il committed the
cracks in this translation are puttyed
up, and then vanished over, bi being
kalled, 'Fam fair ov honor"
When man robs saving bank, or
goes to urope on the steamer, with the
stolen reseipts ov senitary kommittee in
hiz pocket, kommittee ov investigas-
hun are got together tew examine the
stait ov affairs, and unanimously report
"a Giskrcpancy IN kis akounts."
2 young men hire horse and buggy
at livri stable, and go into the kuntry
on Sunda Tha stop at the fust tavern
tha meet, aud invest In sum arden speer-
its. Tha stop again pretty soon, and
histe in sum more arden speerits. The
more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till
bi and bi devilish bridge tips them O.
yer into dcvilish gutter that sumboddy
haz left bi the side ov the road, and tina
are awl killed, including the hoss and
buggy. This is kalled Fatal aksi-
dent"
4 man sad hiz wife are living in the
middle ov 5ey and konsolashuu, tha are
surrounded on all aides bi yung and in
teresting familee, their bread IL cut thin,
aud buttered on both sides aud the edges,
but the destroyer enters the family, the
wife wants nu silk gown, the man sez
he ''be id if she duz," and she seq she
s'be id if she don't" One word
brings on another, till tha, fite, both ov
them lose awl the hair in their heads,
and 2 full setts oy falze teeth, the thing
ends in a diverse, the man runs ava tew
Australia bi the overland route, the wo-
man marry's cirkus rider at 40 Dollars
a month, the children are adopted in sum
sunda school, and are brought up on
homeopathy. This furnishes collum and
q half in the nusepaper, under the he'd
or "DistmLGnsc fthen enad1Tiedre relcshun."
4 youth ov 81 summers begins life
with &c thousand Dollars. Seyral fast
horses belong tew him, thare IL sevral
fast wimmin that be belongs tew, awl the
tavern keepers are hiZ patrons, faro banks
are bit for hiz amuzement, consolidated
lottery are chartered on rurpiss tew
make him happee nothing IL left undun
tew make him feel good He wakes up
about the 25th of next May, without
dollar in biz pocket, aud hoste ov warm
friends Oh hiz hands, without emmy visi-
bic means Of supporting them. he takes
an akount ov stock, he buys pint ov rum
aud yards ov bed kord, the one makes
him timber. while the other chokes him
to deth. The putty and varnish hear il,
"Driren tor desperdshua on dhoant cf
phaoashal PRESSURE"
A rale road trane stands snorting in
front ov the depoe, the last bel IL ring
Ing, the kars are full or souls that be
long tew different individuals, the kon
ductor IL full ov Bourbon, that belongs
tew the deyil, the engineer labors under
an attack of Jamaka for the bronkctis, the
switchman likes lcetle good old>rye,
the kars diskount 45 miles a hour francs
tri tew pass each other on the same track;
it kant be did successfully; the mangled
and ded are kounted by skores, u
searching investigasbun takes plase, the
community il satisfied, becauze it was
"dn unavoidable katdstrophee."
The Devil furnishes putty and var
nish free ov expense, two hide the frauds
d guilt ov men. Awl of which liz res
peckfully committed Bi
JOSH BILLINGS