The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1865-09-28
i-i From the New ork "play BiR'. 3
Artemus Wards ,Autobiography,..
-a2 s3it9BY HIMSELF :FE,.i1a9IegI 5aa.I.
NEW York. NEAR FIFrH iANE4oo HoTE1.


article onto my life, grannatty ierked
and properly punktooated would be a al
dtdon to the chaois literatoor of the day y
10 the yooth of Ameriky it would be
yallyabIe as shown how high pinnyke of
fame a man can reach who COMMUNIST his
career with small canvas tent and pea
green OK, which he rubbed it off while
Seratcliln hisself agln the center pole, causin
IN Railway, N. j., discriminating mob to
: i humbugs would not go down in them
village. The OK resoomd agricultoora
purSoots shortly afterwards gn.tf,f.
81, lnext tried my hand at giving blindman
concerts, appearing as the poor blind man
myself. But the infamous g.. cuss who |
hired to leadm around towns in the day
timeto excite sympathy drank freely of a
|Spltrltuous Kicker unbeknowns to mo one
day, and while under them inhooances, he
led me into the canal. | had to either tear
the green bandige from my eyes or be
drownded thot I'd restore my eve
sight. r....
In writing about these things, Mr.. Editer,
kinder smooth them over. Speak of EN- as
eccentrissities of genius. .t
My next ventur would hav bin SUCCESS if
| hadn't tried to do too much | got up
series Of wax figgers. and among Others
one Of Socrates 20 I tho'ta wax fsger Of
IOld Sock would be poplar with eddicat ed
people, but unfortpitly put a brown linen
buster and a U. S. army regulation cap on
him, which people with classycal eddyca
tons said it was a farce. This enterprise
was unfortnight in other respects. 1jr
at a certin town advertised a wax fig
ure OF the Horrible Amos Perkins who was
a Railroad President, and great person in
them parts. But it appeared | had shown
the same fgger for Pirut named Gibbs in
that town the previs season, which created
Intense toomult, & the audience remarked
shame onto me- & other statements of
the same siInilarness. I tried to moIlify
'em. | told them that any family possessin
children might have my she tiger to play
with half day, & wouldn't charge 'em a
cent, but alars! it was of no avail was
forced to leave, and [ infer from article
in the d8uertiser of that town, in which the
! Editor says, ''Altho' time has siyered this
mans he'd with its frosts, he still brazenly
wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes
stuffed; and his wax works unreliable We
are glad that he has concluded to never re-
Nioll Oul IpW II. ttLILlO DIS IL may
appear, the fellow RELY did contemplate so
doing last summer; when still true to the
craven instincts of his black heart, he wrote
the hireling knaves of the obscure journal
across the street to know What they would
charge for 400 small bills, to be done on
yellow paper. We shall recur to this mat
ter again"
say, infer from this article that a pre-
judish still exists agiu me in that town
| will not speak of my once being in
Istraittned circumstances in a certin town,
and of my erIdavorin' to accumulate weth
by ettin myself to Sabbath school picnics
to sing ballads adapted to the understa nd
ins of little childru, accompanying my self
on clarionett-which | forgot where
was one day, singing instead Of 'Oh, how
pleasant to be a little child"
Grip snap-set 'sm W again
Right in the middle OF a three-ceat>pie" II.
which mistake, added to the fact that
couldn't play onto the claironet except
making it howl dismal, broke up the pic
mic, and the children said, in voices choked
with sobs and emotions, where was their
home, and where was their Pa? and said
be quiet, dear children | am your Pa
which made young woman with two
twins by her side say very angrily, Good
heavens forbid that you should ever be the
Pa of any of these innocent ones, unless it
is much desirable for them to expire igmin-
yusly up on to the murderers' gallus!"
say will not speak of this. Let it be
Berrid in OBLIVION. ~
In your article, Mr.. Editor, please tell
'em what sort of man am -
If you seeft to kriticise my Show speak
your mind freely. | do not object to
criticism. Tell the public in candid and
graceful article that my show abounds i'll
moral and startlin curiosties, any one Of
whom is with bubble the price Of admis-
sion.
have thus far spoke Of myself ex
cloosively as a exhibitor.
| was born in the State of Maine of
parents. AS an infant attracted great
deal Of attention. The naburs would stand
over my cradle for hours aud say, ''How
it nose!" The young ladies would carry
me round in their arms saying | was
muzzer's bezzy darlin and sweety eety
title ting. 1t was nice tho | wasn't old
enutr to properly appreciate it. I'm
helthy old darlin' now.
| have alters sustained a good moral
character. | never was railroad director
in my life.
Altho in early life / did not in'vably
confine myself to truth in my small bills
hav bin gradooaIly growing respectabler
and respectabler evry year. | luz my
children, and never mistake another mans
wife for my own. I'm not a member of
any meetin house, but firmly bleeve in
meetin houses and shouldn't feel safe to
take a dose of laudnum and lay down in
the street Of village that hadn't any with
Ia thousand dollars in my vest pocket.
My temperament is bilious, Tho !
don't owe dollar in the world.
am an early riser, my wife is a Freshly
terrain l may add that am also bald
heded. keep two COWS
. | .liv in Baldinsville Indany. My next
door nabor is old Steve Billins I'll tell
you little story about Old Steve that will
make you larf He iined the Church last
spring, and the minister sed You must go
home now. Brother ,Biliins, and erect a
family alter in your own house" where
upon the egreiis old ass went home and
built reg uIar pulpit in his settin room
+ He'lrad the jiners in his house over four days
I am 56 go years of age Time, with
its relentless scythe, is ever busy. The Old
Sexton gathers them in-he gathers them
I IN !! ! keep a pig this year ..l.
don't think of anything more Mr.
Edter; .,., 30. 81.
If you should Civ my portrait in conec-
ton with my Bogfry, please have me in
graved in Ianguishing attitood, leaning
on marble pillar, leavin my back hair as
lit is now.
! Trooly yours, ARTEMus WARD.
THE WEBSTER FAMLY.-The only person