Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-10-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Every man can tame shrew but he that hath
her.
Wanted-the receipt which is given when gen.
tlcman pays his respects.
Carlyle says "a rotten post will stand good
While provided you don't shake it.
Miss Prim says it takes her half an hour every
morning to make her waterfall.
A German only wants three things to make him
l.arpy-lager beer, sausages, and clarionet
Whatever the wind may do in the winter, it
cannot be denied that in the spring it turns over
a new leaf.
child thus defines gossip: It's when nobody
cont do nothing, and somebody goes and tells of
it.
TO the lover there are but two places in all the
world-one where his sweetheart is, and the other
where she isn't.
negro once gave the following toast De Cub
ernor of the State-he came in wild berry little OPP
position, he go out wi none at all.
Sam, are you one of the Southern chivalry9
No massa, Pse one OBJ de Southern shouelry;
shoyeled dirt at de Dutch Gap Canal
Never look at girls. They can't bear it they
regard it as an insult They wear their feathers,
turbelows and fris merely to crafty their mann
mas, that's all.
Why are some ladies of the present day like the
lilies of Scriptures? Because they ''toi not nei-
yher do they spin; yet Solomon in all his glory
WAS not arrayed like one OF these"
81 don't believe it's any nse, this vaccination
said son of the Emerald Isle; 81 had child
yaccnated, and he fell out of the winder week
srter and got killed."
There is a family in Pottstown so lazy that it
takes two of them to chop piece of wood Siah
chops while Jim grunts, and then Jim chops and
Siah grunts. We prefer the grunting.
Gubbins is neat fellow. He says he cannot
spare time to take q bath, besides it takes money
for soap and tow els. We then asked him how he
managed to keep clean? Oh, said he, sand pa
per myself every Christmas!
Delicious. An editor in Ohio says he was never
happy but once in his life, and that warm
day last summer, when he lay in the laps of two
blooming maidens, being famed by third, and
kissed by all three. 'Gosh!'
"sir," asked newly -fedged legislator of fell
low passenger on the Hudson river railroad, care
YOU going to the Legislature 2" Ono, thank God
not so bad as that. am going to the State Pris-
on !"
An old lady inquired at one Of the railway sta
tons what time the 745 train would start, and was
told q quarter before eight E'Bless mel" she eX-
claimed, '.you are always changing the time on
this line"
A young lady remarked that she could not I'M
derstand what her: brother George Henry saw in
the girls that he liked them well and that for
her part, she would not give the company of one
young man for that of twenty girls"
[ say stranger, you are drunk.
aDd have hoap +vUo
years. My brother and I are engaged in the tenn
perance cause-he goes about delivering lectures
and | give samples of intemperance.
How seldom it happens, said one friend to an
other that we find edi tors who are bred to the
business.
yery replied the other, and have you not re-
marked how seldom it happens the business is
bread to the editors9
Chow do 70 u like the character of st. Paul 90
asked parson of his landlady one day. ssAhs! he
was good, clever old soul, know, for he once
said you know that we must eat what is set be-
fore us, and ask questions for conscience sake.
I always thought should like him for boarder."
An excited orator said We have taken Allan
ia, we have taken Savannah, Charleston and Co.
lumbia, and now at last we have taken Petersburg
and occupied Richmond, and what remains for us
to take An Irishman in the crowd shouts Let's
take drink -
It is said that Yankee has invented a machine
for corking up daylight, which will eventually SUI
persede gas He covers The interior of flour
barrel with shoemaker's wax, holds it open to the
sun and then suddenly heads up the barrel. The
light sticks to the wax, and at night it can be cut
and sold in lots to suit purchasers.
Fred, the prince of wags, was getting home
rather late, and little happy: when passing by
q dark alley, a large, two-fsted fellow stepped
out, seized him by the collar, and demanded his
money. ''Money," said Fred ''money l have
none but, if you will hold a moment, will
give you my note for thirty days"
Billy, said benevolent vender of food for stoves
as with cheerful visage he sat down to his mat
final yepast, is it cold Weery cold, father, was
the reply, Is the cutters froze, Billy? rejoined
the parent Weery hard, father, they is, was the
response, All! sighed the old gentleman, put up
the coal two pence pail, Billy. God help the
poor.
An old lady of color came into one of the Offices
in city not far from this, and enquired if that
was the place the Freedmen's Bureau was kept
On the clerks replying in the affirmative, she said
she had come for her bureau, and she didn't want
any little washstand put off on her she wanted
big bureau with big glass on top, so she cou Id
see how to fix to go to these pic-nics
was once, said a reverend gentleman, attend
ing divine service in Norfolk, several years ago,
during season of some excitement. Whilst the
officiating clergyman was in the midst of most
interesting discussion, an old lady arose, clapped
her hands, and exclaimed :
Merciful father, if | had one more feather in my
wing Of faith, would fly off to glory.
The worthy gentleman Immediately replied,
"Good Lord, stick it in, and let her 90, she Is
iii trouble here.
That nuicted the old lady.