Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-10-10

WIT AND HUMOR.
What is the greatest curiosity in the world A
woman's.
The man who confines himself to the drink best
for him, is celI-supplied.
s'Ill take your part" as the dog said when he
stole the cats dinner.
Men can only make their will once, while wo-
men make and have it every hour of the day.
Model wives formerly took ''stitch in time, "
but now, with the aid of a sewing machine, they
take one in no time.
500 you think that raw oysters are healthy 7"
ayes Inever knew complaining of being out
of health in my life.'
Foot expressed the belief that miser would
take the beam out of his own eye if he could sell
the timber.
At printers festival, lately, the following toast
was offered: "Woman-second only to the press
in the dissemination of news %
Why are washerwo omen the most unreasonable
people in the world ; Because they expect soft
water when it rains hard
An impairment fellow wishes to know if you
table, without being asked, "Do you take eream?"
Mr.. Punch advises ladies, when being courted
not to object to the oderate use of tobacco
They should recollect that where there is fame
there must be smoke.
81 can marry any girl please" said young
fellow boastingly.
every true" said his waggish companion, ''for
you can't please any,"
young lady, on being asked if she "intended
wearing that finger ring to church., said she
didn't intend wearing anything else" Ii she
kept her word, she must have had cold time of
it.
A Dutchman few days ago, picked up bound
volume of documents, on the back of which was
stamped pub. Docs"
"Teyful," said he swat kinder pooks will dey
brint next9 As l If, here ish one on pup toys
"Get up, and let me sit down I'm tired, said
an inebrate, the other evening to gentleman
sitting in front of his stort. "Nhy, you havn't
so far to co. the reply. 'tI1 don't mind the
Iingth of it, but it's so domned ride"
A friend of ours went lately into provision
store to purchase corned tongue. The dealer
handed him one, remarking that it was very mic e,
and furthermore, that it never told a lie sit is
very evident then, replied the purchaser, 'that
it was never engaged in the provision business"
A country gentleman, walking in his garden,
saw his gardener asleep IN the arbor. ''What
YOU idle dog, asleep g" said the master. "You
are not worthy that the sun should shine on
YOU 2" 81 am truly sensible of my unworthiness,
answered the man, "and therefore l laid myself
down in the shade"
In one of the courts of Hartford, Connecticut
recently, woman was testfying in behalf of her
son, and sw ore ''that he worked on farm ever
since he was born. The lawyer, who cross ques-
toned her, said, ''Y GU assert that your son has
worked on a farm ever since he was born ?" 81
do" "Whst did he do the first year ?" "Hs
MIXED" she replied. The whole court laughed
heartily and the witness was questioned no fur
Their.
Two men, both towards, met in q narrow way
neither disposed to turn out of the road. ''Give
me the road said one in braggart voice. s'or, if
you don't, Tll do for you what did to the man
who refused it to me yesterda ~ The other
scrambled aside in terror, and when he of tn Q
braggart voice had gone by, asked him timidly
ssWhat did yousdo, sr,t the man who refused you
the road yesterday, and would not get out Ct your
way?'' ssWhy,' said the other. 81 let him keep
the road, and got out of his way.
Army CHAPLAIN AND CoNTRABAND.-Chaplain
-"My young colored friend, can you read ?''
eyes, sab !"
asGlad to hear it. Shall give you o papers"
s'Sartn, massa, if you please"
Every good. What paper would you choose 20
'sWell massa, if you chews, III take paper oh
terbacker."
The Oh aplain looked at the contraband and the
contraband looked at the chaplain, then the latter
sighed and passed on.
An orator, in appealing to the ''bone and 81
new," said
aMy friends, am proud to see around me to-
nj ght the hardy yeomenry of the land, for love
the agricultural interests of the country, and well
NAV love them, fellow citizens, for | was born
farmer-the happiest days of my youth were
spent in the peaceful avocations of son of the
soil If I may be allowed to use fgurative ex-
preston, my friends, may say was raised be-
tween two rows of corn"
ga pumpkin, by thunder r' ex claimed an ine-
briate chap just in front of the stage.
A loafer, who had been noisy, was up before
the MAYORS court. His honor told him to pay
over five dollars for his fine.
.sC-c-c-can't do it" muttered he; aa-aint got
the pewter"
care YOU married MANI" inquired the mayor
"N-n-n-not exactly SO f-f-f-far gone yet, sir"
esWell, 1 will have to send you to the work.
house,
"T-t-tain't nothin' tn gig go there" said Alick,
afb- but when you TIT talked about marriage,
you IF frightened me- %
Lawyer-A learned gentleman, who rescues
your estate from your enemies and keeps it him.
self.
MY dear-An expression used by man and wife
at the commencement of quarrel.
Tragedian-A fellow with tin pot on his head,
who stalks about the stage and gets into violent
passion for so much night
Doetor-A man who kills you to-day to save
YOU from dying tomorrow.
Dentist-A person who finds work for his own
teeth by taking out those Of other people.
Mock Turtle-Calling husband ''ny dear in
runIio. aud*syou brute IN private. X