North Branch democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Pa.) 1854-1867, 1865-11-22

There never vet lNsu one VI thoso hGsS
uondeseripts, yelspt old maiis, who did aOt
at some period Of her unhappy existence,
have hankering after a man, and that par
tieulAr man did not conquer her, and sase
the world the inaieIiOp Of an old maid, and
gain for himself good o. bad wife, as the
case might be-was bis own fault lie per-
haps was after some pet fancy of school
girl, and she, not admirinG him, married
somebody else, aud SO made him bachelor,
/ thlnk, were an old maid, and had been
CROSSED in love- would, out Of sheer spite,
marry the first man | could get hold Of Id
have satisfaction if had to marry forty men
10 get it, Old maids are like some politicians
| know of. They run their career Upon the
one idea system, They have but one idea,
and that is their first love. That falling,
they are ever after out AZ sea, hOnndered
about, always wrong side up, and 60 down
to oblivion, leaving no Vestige behind IN short
clothes or long stockings to commemorate
their existence.
especially recommend you, my boy, to
avoid young ladies who, when on promenade
addicted to that style of Ioeomotlon watch
is not in appropriately denominated wris~
Cling. The woman who wriggles when she
walks reminds me of one of those little yell
low, crOpeared poodles that dance, and twist,
and squrm about whenever you look at
h. inf fas h
ION, is generally gifted with small quantity
Of brains, is devoid of commOn sense, fau Of
vanity aud self con ceit, fiery in disposition,
tickle, and for all the ordinary purposes Of
matrimony, is as useless as a refrigerator is
for a hotel in Siberia. Her whole life is
simply an elongated wriggls Of wasted hours,
lost opportunities and disappointed hopes.
On the contrary, my son, do not choose
the woman who walks as thodgh she were
grenidlor in disguise, marching with solemn
tread toward her apPointed. end. That Wo
man, were you to marry her, would march
through your whole married existence, tramp
ing under feet your every delight, crushing
your authority until at last there, eyes, dim
with age, would tearfully behold you cringing
to a petticoat. and trotting along behind your
mistress, with your ears laid meekly back,
and looking ten times more pitiful than a
whipped cur.
These walking woman in youth are proud,
lmperious, wllful in middle age the same,
with the addition OF a tow colored moustache
and neuralgia in the head, and in their old
age SO awfully spiteful that even that best
friend of disconsolate ancie mt womanhood-
the cat-shrinkS away from her presence.
All, ny son, if you wish to display your
good taste in the cultivation Of female socie-
ty, avoid tall women Of the unbarAed, tele-
graph pole order Of anatomy avoid the
squeezed up tumbling style as well, and do
not be taken in by chalk, rouge, cotton and
curIs-nor with too white teeth.
Don't be led-into error by a pair ef pret-
ty ankles, and do not let pair Of well turn
ed shoulders turn your head. Remember
that especially in the sea of womankind there
are as many fish uncaught as have been hook
ed. ..-..
Woman with light brown hair and blue
eyes, Of medium height, plump hands ah !!
my son they are the women for men to love,
cherish, respect and treat as if they were an
gels. Snch angels are never entertained un--
awares. osane man. full of health, passion,
and whose vigor has not been prostrated BY Q
continuity of Trout alley whiskey can igRore
their presence If he does, he deserves to be
kicked to death by sbrimps- 8. .-~a
The brown haired, blue eyed woman is am
lable in dispositlon, true a. steel, and with
him she loves, never jealous. Jealousy, my
boy, with the majority of woman kind, like
variety to man, is the spice Of their existence
They revel in ii,and like the locust eaters get
wild, crazy over it, and finally either are
booked .ior the Klrkbridge Institute or to 20
IF into the chronic hys teric. - .
A jealous woman is fool, and with such 8
woman for a wife, the husband is o greater
fool than she, if he does not give her .cogent
reasons hObnobbiDg with the greenysd mon
ster. ..r#
A red haired woman is apt to be steadfsst
in her affections, and to understan the art oi
cooking catfish and baking shad to perfee-
tion. She has temper not particula rly even
Is inclined to break out like an epidemic
when least expected. Red haired women
my boy, are very fond Of being widows, and
Of moving from place to place-at least that
is my experience.-YOur mothers hair was
slightly auburn, but during the first five
years of our married life it gradually assumrt
darker lint, which fact attribute entirely
to nsr. sudden acquired fonduess on her part
for pork and beans, | attribute TO the harsh
ness of my hair altogether to a too great par
tiality for hash in my younger days. hav'
noticed, my son, that people who eat toe
freely of hash became sour and morose il
1 Hor,oI Aoaf - onkkm~