Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-12-07
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

lltllc lClIOW, SAD DySCnuGi, you won tIe
: pain tomorrow" "Then," answered the little
boy, II won't cry tomorrow
You've MAN. when your sweetheart, on
, Sunday night, begins to yawn, and ntimates that
she usually retires at ten it is time for you to take
your hat and state that pressing business requires
your immediate attention.
"AINT ii wicked to rob this chicken-roost
Sambo?' Oats great moral question, nigger :;
we amt time to argy it now hand down annudder
pullet.
; WHAT is the difference between IA bed
bug and man sleeping with snakes under his bed?
One creeps over the sleepers and the other sleeps
, over the creepers.
SOME wretched benedict perpetrates the
, following Why is bridegroom worth more than
! Il bride because she is given away, and he is
sold.
Miss TICKER says it's with bachelors as
with old wood its hard TO get them started, but
when they do take flame they burn prodigiously.
"PA, they tell us about the angry ocean
What makes the ocean angry ''Oh, it has been
crossed 50 often.
FUNNY-to see young lady with both
hands in soft dough. and mosquitoe on the end
of her nose.
THE young gentleman who flew into
passion has had his wings clipped.
THE decadence of waterfalls will cause a
great falling Oft of hair
HEAvEN-a land of joy, and light, and
love supreme.
SUNDAY is the golden clasp that binds to-
gether the volume of the week.
''STUrrERING BEN" who was toasting his
shins, observing that the oil merchant was cheat
ing customer IN some oil, called out to him, 'im
| can tell you how to s-sel t-twice as much oil as
you DIDO now" well, how: groaned Jim. IF fill
your measure.
Why is the letter F like original sin ?
Because il makes all fall.
The most and best that is done for you
must be done by you.
\ YOUNG lady was asked how she could
possibly afford III these awfully hard times, to
take music-lessons ''Oh, contine myself to the
lar notes, was the answer.
4 CONTEMPORARY says "The first printers
were Ttans.' There are good many tight uns'
among them still.
a JUDGE IN Indiana threatened to fine a
lawyer ior contempt Of court. II have expressed
no contempt for the court said the LAWYER: Ion
the contrary, / have carefully concealed my feel
ngs.
An itinerant preacher, who ramblcd in
his sermons, when requested to stick to his text
replied ''thot scattering shot would hit the most
birds"
I Ar %otree the other evening one gentle
man pointed out dandiied looking individual to
/ his friend lis a sculptor. What said his friend
/ such Il looking chap that a sculptor? Surely
/ you must be mistaken He may not be the kind
. OF one you may mean said the informant '.but |
know he ciiz-'ed tailor out of a suit of clothes
last week.
I CHARLES LAMB, when little boy, walking
with his sister in IA church-yard, and reading he
epitaphs, said to her Where are all the naughty
people buried:
! Look at the pages ofyour own heart and
You will see a dim reflection of what the recording
angel has written of you III his book
/ THE guilty man is doomed to carry and
lodge his iercest accuser in his own bosom
( Lay your hand upon your mouth when
the rod of deserved chastisement is upon your
back.
/ IF man viii play the loafer, he had bet
ter do it i'll a coffee house than III a church
VANITY is the produce Of light minds. 1t
is the growth of all climes and of all countries it
is plant often nourished and fostered vet it new
er bears fruit pleasing to the taste of Intelligent
mind.
THE man who boasts of his knowledge is |
usually ignorant and wishes to blind the ewes of
his hearers. Merit and intelligence are always dis
eovered-in few instances unnoticed, unrewarded.
If man who takes deposition is a de-
poster, does it necessarily follow that the man who
makes an allegation Is an alligator?
LATE heavy fall of rain showed one |
mdicrous sight-an attempt to crowd two fashion |
ably dressed women under one umbrella.
WANTED-a correct standard for measur- |
ing the height of an absurdity and the slipper
from the foot of adancing moonbeam.
At young lady's seminary recently, dur
ing an examination in history, one of the most
promising pupils was interogated s'Mary did |
Martin Luther die a natural death ?" NO" was |
the reply, 'he was eXcommunicated by bull
JOSH BILLINGS says that ''if IA man pro- |
fesses to the Lord he likes TO see him do it
when he measures onions well when he hol- |
lers glory halleluyer."
| II the wife Of a Japanese don't suit Lin, |
he can send her back TO her parents and try again
That Is to say all wives are warranted inJapan
/ SHOCKING IMMoRTALlTY-Howo often do we
hear of people lying at the point of death.
/ TooTH DRAWING is an operation that should
be performed with scre,7paH-ous (scrupulous) care
'SIR," said an old physician to shallow
youth who had been assailing him with a string of
impertinences, Il cannot be angry with YOU for l
/ see you have incurabe disease" 'sAn incur
able disease! what to- "Foolishness." was the
reply.
AT a recent masked-ball in Norwich
young lady was completely dressed in newspaper
She made good impression
! y AGENrLEMAN was once arguing with a la
dy, when at length he stopped. 81 tell you what
ma am said he, III not argue with you any
longer you Ire not open to convection" Not open
to conviction, Sir = was the indignant reply II
scorn the imputation, Sir; am open to conviction
But, she added, after moments pause. .'show
me the man who can convince me"
Brown is a married man now. A few
days since he thought of taking trip to Paris --
One of his friends meeting him in the street in
quired, We'll, Brown, my boy. when are you OFF,
Next week Going to take your wife with You o.
mo 1t Is a voyage of pleasure"
GENERAL MowRIE, after struggling through
Carolina cypress swamp for several days, asked
long lank, butternut-dyed native boy how far it
was to Terra fr7aa. Il haint hern o no such place
about yer was the cheering reply.
. WHAr is the difference between a spider
and duck?-One has its feet on web and the
other We on its feet.
> INSURANCE-Thc following, toast was re-