Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1865-05-26


don exercise enough--take one of these
pills every night to keep your bowels regu-
lar and YOU Il get well enough. Il looked
at the pills--thinks Iyou internal noodle
tsByped and thesepills are my old er-my
as sure as FIN living But / did not dare
to trouble the lying old iackanape any fur
ther{ so | left, and incontinently threw his
physic to the dogs H
But the invalid ever feels an ineontrolla-
bic hankering to take something. / now,
though much discouraged, applied TO the
fourth, the fifth, the sixth, and so on through
the whole catalogue of MI. ID IS in the whole
country. But success in obtaining relief
was mon est inventus, instead, my case
had been gradually growing more and more
desperate, besides had met with insult adj
ded 10 5h3ar7y- Injured by Blue EslF ffor
they all with one consent, prescribed it) and
ins1lted by being told that / had the 'hype.'
We're they blind Why my appearance
alone gave the lie to that assertion. Hypo,
indeed lwhy was reduced TO the shadow
of shade and looked as though / had
been picked off wreck at sea and draWa
through a gimlet hole. Il wouldn't cared at
that time if his satanic majesty had had the
whole kit, and stuffed them with blue bla-
zes, as they had me with sblue pills = But
| was now in complete despair went to
the Springs 3-+no Tecuperation, my i'm
poYerished system grew leaner and leaner
every day until | was not thicker through
the abdomen than afdealboard. AT length
4 was completely slaid upon the shelf -
took my bed from pure exhaustion, literally
dosed and starved to death. / discovered
one day, whilst In aereeumbent posture, that
something hard existed In the umbilical re-
gion of my stomach-I examined it it was
about the size of a goose egg. Whew
what a hubbub it created when ] made it
known iG M
My friends Immediately sent for the doc
tor the very identical chap who had so
grossly insulted me in the earlier stage OF my
disc ise He came, put on the same old
'specks, and proceeded toAnot an autop-
.siealqi1ite- examination ofthe phenomenon.
After a good deal ofipow-wow and pun
ching, looking sage as an owl, he pronoun-
ced it a Ssc05tcreti0Jl of what? thought [
horror of horrors a peck of blue pills
Yedged up in nay astronomical apparatus
He summoned a consultation of half a dozen
more of my EBlue Pill heroes. They
came, exapained, pummeled, and punched
at the ti1Inonr to their heart s content-de-
nBCIdlFQ, buCu JocSCu cCBJSLCS-- eu
indurated tumor in the hypogastIium-
must be removed by an operation. Post
poned the same for few days, and then
came to the conclusion, unanimously, thatit
Feouldn't be did without killing the pa
tient Just as | expected, and wished,
for | was ambitious at a natural death, if
possible after the amotInt of blue pin /
had swallowed But, to tell the truth,
H. 4
felt like eatin9, and eat I did, occupying one
breath with the boiling of food, and the
next in dehunciation Of blue pills and
their authors.
And now let the elements be hushed /; let
every sound cease; let the sun and moon
stand still, whilst all the inhabitants Of
Heaven and Earth, with fingers to their lips,
on 6ptoe, hear what this mighty, majestic
and dignifed court of inquiry this aus
tere, sapient and profound body of medical
had well nigh done. After |
took to eating (for they had allowed me moth
ing but the Shadoae Of a pigeon boiled down
'one ehalf) the tumor began to disappear,
and in few days it was gone. Reader, it
was my b0cLboaef But let me explain: In
the spinal column there is a curve about its
middle projecting inward towards the sto-
mach | was so much emaciated that there
was little else material in front, and he egg
l3lfe tuinog lcds nothing ..toJe ,tDr less than
.one of The most proD,taeat Qftbe dorSut rert-
eb5q. After my stomach assumed its nat
rral distension, Of course, as said before,
the thing disappeared
Let it be recorded for the benefit of fu-
tdre generations that a convention of wise
acres az session of brilliant, magnanlmous,
and learned III physicians of the 10th cen
tury of the world, decided on reDeoUdag the
6dck6oRe Of a patient to cure him Of dys-
pepsiat i fra + ~
But my troubles were not ended yet, for
though materially improved by a better di-
ct, my dyspepsia still remained. | now de-
terrnined to seek a remedy on nay own hook.
Forthis purpose | diyed into medical authors
up to the eyes But here, too, was DOOM
ed to fresh torture, renewed disapp
/ would take upa book, look at the index
run my finger along the same until | came
to the word-Dyspepsi0- si0--refer to the page,
glance over the description Of the disease,
and hasten on to the treatment. Invariably
the first thing that met my eyes, sticking
out in bold relief, Was--.sB Blue Pill is be-
yond all comparison the best alteTattce that
can be given Indignant / would slap to
the covers of the book, and mutter to N.Y.
self 'BlueDevils are beyond7all eompari-
SON. thewors disease a man can be affiic-
tedwith Blue Pillsalteratiyel Iwould
continue, 'yesl they'll alter man in a.
very short time so much that bis nearest
friends cannot recognize him--take all the
flesh off his bones, and adj the sense out of
his cranium' jocosely adding, 'prpUidtag
he has any s1tit. But twill never do to
give it up so-never say die, thought l. and
acting under this suggestion, it occurred to
me that the study of physic in, real earnest
might, perhaps, enable me to ferret out
something for my case. would then have
an intercourse, numerically, with physicians
from the Biddy inphysic to the tallest Shang-
hat on the apex of the pill Sc at ii Invent,
and went right square through, too atten-
ded lectures cot my 'sheer-skin and strut
ted off with it in my pocket, feeling
.'as large as life and twice ay natural y s
Wen, reader, I suppose you think now,
that j had penetrated the intricate mazes OF
physic, had wound round through every ay-
enue and Labyrinth, and seen fully every
atom Of its Elephantipe proportions | was
in Possession Of what 44 had 50 long been
ACROSS tHe lefeS OF AGstc got INTO Tue
woods in q marrow, briery pathrreached the
bE road followed it up through the mud
I'til / reached the turnpike pursued it,
got on to the plank road-strnck the rail
road mounted the 'Bulgine, and road
like a streak of stiH-burnt lightning right
into the courts of old Esculapius himself
only. to see al. a standing motto, in faring
/ capitals Blue PILLS IN TORPID LIVER !,
Reader, bring a cooper quick, with bis