The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1865-09-13

--s.Sire, one word" said soldier, to
Frederic the Great, when presenting TO him
q request for the brevet of lieutenant.
"Ifyou say two words" replied the king,
81 will have you hanged"
"Sign," answered the soldier
The king stared, whistled and signed.
''Now George, you must divide the cake
honorably with your brother Charley"
"What is 'honorably, MOTHER"
| ut means that you must give him the
largest piece"
Then ma, I'd rather that Charley should
divide it,
--''Yes Mrs. Miffiin," said lady to her
hostess, "dear little Emma has your fea-
lures, but l think she has got her fathers
hair" .'Oh, now | see, said dear little
Emma, ut is because l have got papa >
hair, that he wears wig"
'.Brown, your guvnor made mistake in
choosing your profession. You should have
been a cooper" "a cooper ?" calculated
Brown, astonished, "why EYES," said
the wag dryly, ga cooper; because you
make such capital butt"
A boy, the other day, borrowed stick
Of candy from comrade to show him how
he could pull it out Of his ear. He swal-
lowed it, then twisted himself about in vari-
Gus ways to extract it, but at length inform
ed his companion that he had forgotten that
part Of the trick.
A man in getting out Of an omnibus, a
few days since, made use of two rows of
knees as banisters to steady himself, at
which the ladies took offense, and one cried
aloud, '.He is a perfect savage." '.True,"
said wag inside, The belongs the Paw knee
tribe"
-"Oh, mother. do send for the doctor -
said a little boy Of three years. "What for,
the parlor who says he'll die if Jane don't
marry him-and Jane says she won't"
A funny fellow had an Office next door
to Doctors shop. One day an elderly
gentleman, Of the fogy school, Numbered
into the shop.
SIS the doctor in -
don't live here said the lawyer, who
was in full scribble over some old docu-
ments.
ooh, thought this was his Office"
'Next door"
..Pray. sir, can you tell me has the doctor
many patients -
s.Not living
The old gentleman told the story in the
vicinity, and the doctor threatened the law
yer with a libel.
The best arecdote Of Lorenzo Dow that
we have seen, is that of a conversation that
occurred between Dow and the late General
Root, in the presence Of one Bush, at
whose house they were stopping. The
dialogue is related as follows
..You say good deal about heaven, sir, .
said the General, pray tell us how it Looks.
Lorenzo turned his grave face and long
waving beard toward the General and Mr.
Bush, replied with imperturable gravity:
'Heayen, my friends, is vast extent Of
smooth, rich territory. There is not root
or bush in it, and there never will be.
A minister had quarrel with one Of
his parishioners by the name of Hardy, who
showed considerable of resentment.
On the succeeding Sunday, the divine
preached from the following text, which he
announced with great emphasis, and with
significant look at Hardy, who was present
'.There is no fool like the fool Hardy
-"Mamma,' said u little fellow whose
mother had forbade his drawing horses and
ships on the mahogany sideboarl with sharp
nails, .'mamma, this amt nice house.
..Why so.' was the reply
"BecaEse at Peter Sicket's we can cut the
sofa, and pull out the hair, and ride the
shovel and tongs over the carpet; but here
We don't have any fun at ALL
A lady in Nashville was making visit
to the penitentiary, and was permitted to
look through the various wards. In one
room she saw three women engaged in sew
ing, and turning to the keeper, who was
showing her about, said to him in an under
tone
"Dear me the viciousest looking women
ever saw in my life. What are they put
here for -
"They are here he replied, .because l
am here-they are my wife and daughters,
madam"
But the visiting madam was travelling out
as fast as possible.
Josh Billings says of the servants at
Long Branch: Most ov en- air blak, but
menny ov EN- hav livd so long amung the
wites that they begin TO adopt our kuller."
fare you the mate ?" said man to an
Irish cook of vessel. NO" said he, .but
I'm the man IS boils the mate"
Two men were conversing about the
iil-humor OF their wives. 'sAh,' said one,
with sorrowful expression, s.Mine is
other, "mine is worse than that-mine is
the cream Of tartar
An honest German in Philadelphia, lis
tening to an account Of y married woman's
elopement with "another man. the other
day, got greatly excited over it. and splut-
tered forth with great vehemence: "If my
wife runs away init anudder mans wife, |
will shake him out Of her preeches if she be
mine own fader, tunder sacre."
Papa, know what makes some folks
call pistols horse pistols
..Why, my SOM
because they kick So
''Mary, put that boy to bed he's so sharp
he will cut somebody
Miss Dobbs says the sweetest line she
ever read, was her Simon's name written in
molasses on the front stoop.
-. There's divinity that shapes our
ends, rs the pig said when he contemplated
the kink in his tail
The oldest piece of furniture in the
world is the multiplication stable 1t was
constructed more than thousand years ago,
and is as good as new
The higher an ass holds his head, the
palmer We can see his ears.
WHEN il A MAN Drunk "A witness in
views on this subject in reply to the ques-
tons Of counsel in the pending case, az
follows.
..Ldryer.-Was Mr.. Graham drunk -
Witness -(metaphysically) -Well I'll tell
1t pretty hard to tell when 4 man is really