Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-10-03

WIT AND HUMOR.
-~~~~~~o~0-~~0~7-7-0
Unmarried people often kill themselves-mar-
ried ones each other.
man in Detroit Jail wishes he had the small
pox so that he could break out.
ssI introduce bill for the destruction of worms
ss the W oodpecker said in a stump speech.
Why would tying slow horse to a post seem
to improve his paces Because it would make
him fast
1t should be between husband and wife as be-
tween two harp-s trings-the one trembling when
the other is struck.
An English woman gave birth to four children
two boys and two girls. contribution is So
1icited for her bereaved husband.
If Brig ham Young's one hundred wives favor
their lord with Curtain Lectures, what, oh what
must be the nature of '.Young's Night Thoughts?"
In Cork q short time ago, the crier of the
Court endeavored to dispense the crowd by ex-
claiming, ''All ye blackgurds that isn't lawy ers,
quit the Court
''We, Dick said Doctor to o polite man.
whose wife he had been attending, show is your
wife ~
''Shes dead, thank you, DOCTOR"
''That's fine strain said one gentleman to
another, abiding to the tones of a concert singer
the other evening. EYES," said countryman
who sat near, 'but if he strains much more he'll
split"
s'Going, going, going!" said an auctioneer.
"Where are you going 2" asked a large bearded
man in the room. s'l'm going to the Geological
Gardens, to tell the keepers one of their balloons
Is loose" replied the knigh of the hanmec
"Papa, planted some potatoes in our garden"
said one of the smart youths of this generation to
his father, s'and what do you think came up ?''-
"Why, potatoes of COURSE" ''No, street there
came up q drove of hogs aud ate them ALL" The
cid man says, 'that will do me.'
4 Negro baby was born in Petersburg, Va, the
other day with the exact impression of a two cent
U. S. revenue stamp on his forehead.--Litchfeld
Enquirer.
The mother must have been chased by a govern
ment tax collector.
Sambo. what's yer up to now a-dayss"
80. Pse carpenter and jiner."
'sHo guess yer is. What department do yer
perform, Sambo ?"
tsWhat Department. does de circular work"
ssN hats dat 2"
"Why, turns de grindstone."
A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND "A married lady,
who was in the habit of spending most of her time
In the society of her neighbours and was therefore
nearly always out when her husband returned
home, happened one day to be suddenly taken ILL.,
and sent her husband in great haste for physi-
clan. The husband ran a shors distance but sud-
denly returned, anxiously excaiming, s'M DEAR
where shall find you, when come back"
An old farmer went to his landlord to pay his
rent, putting on long face to correspond with
the OCCASION. On entering the house, he said that
the times were so hard that he couldn't raise the
money, and, dashing down bundle of notes on
the table, exclaimed: s'There, that's all | can
NV &aJ~o.
the landlord, who said, ''ths is twice as much as
you owe me-" 'sHang it, give it to me again.
said the farmer, sim dashed, if didn't take the
wrong bundle out of my pocket"
An honest Dute hman in training up his son in
the way he should go, frequently exercised him in
the Bible lessons. On one of these occasions he
asked him:
"Shorge who vas dat would rot sleep NIT Boti-
piers vte!'
ssShoseph."
.'Dais goot poy. Veil, vat vas de reason he
would not shleep NIT herF'
''Don't know; sphose he vasent SLEEPY"
Ehorge should make an apology,
As o criminal was once on his way to the ga l.
lows proclamation made that if any woman
would marry him, under the gallows, with rope
around his neck, he would receive pardon
81 will,'' cried cracked voice from amidst the
crowd
rimony to approach the cart, which she did and
he began to examine her couutenance
tsNose like knife said he, clips like WATERS
drive on hangman."
DUTCH THUNDER.-A family in La Crosse, Wis
eonsin have been missing stove wood for several
weeks past. On the return of one of the members
Of the family few nights since the case was sta
ted and Sunday night a very pretty stick of fuel
was left with others on the wood pile. In the
stick were two of powder, for safe keeping.
Monday the stick was there-Tuesday the stick
was there, and the laugh was getting the man
who fixed it. Wednesday morning the stick was
gone Wednesday forenoon explosion was
heard in house near by, and kitchen window |
was spared no panes. On going to the spot sight |
might have been seen. The stove had joined a |
piece conference. A kettle of pork and cabbage |
shot up through the roof like arrow. dish i
of apples stewing on the stove gave the ceiling
the appearance of a map of California. A cat
sleeping under the stove went through the broken
window as slough after the devil or a doctor.-i
The cat has not been heard from since, but q /
smell of burnt cat hair peryades that house very
thoroughly. fat iron was hoisted into a pan of
dough-a chair lost three legs, the wood-box looks
sick, while the roof of the house looks like ADJUST
ed apple dumping. The occupant of the ruins,
says
ssSuch tunder never comes peforc or be puys p
i shtnin rod py tam"