Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-12-21
NUMBER 80.
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

A DUTCHMAN in Albany, some time ago
went out to his mikman in the street with dish
In each hand, instead of one, as usual The dis.
penser of attenuated milk asked him if he wished
him to fill both vessels The Dutchman replied,
sulting the action to the word dis for the INFLUX
and dis for de water, and will mix dem so as to
shute my self
CoNUNDRUM.-An exchange has the follow
ing sentiment embodied in the 70 III of conun-
drum Why will the emblens of America outlive
those of England, France, Ireland, or Scotland =
Because the Rose will fade, the Lily will droop, the
Shamrock will wither and the Thistle will die but
the Stars Eternal.
An lrishman Just from the sod was eating
some old cheese, when he found to his dismay that
1t contained living inhabitants ''Be iabers, said
he 'does your chaze in this country have childer:
A wOMAN's tears soften a mans heart. her
batteries his head
SIDNEY SMITH, passing through by-street
behind st. Pauls, heard two women abusing each
other from opposite houses They will never
agree said the wit they argue from different
premises
AN incurable old bachelor, and who
seemingly rejoices in his infirmity, describes mar
rlage as a ''female despotsm tempered by pud-
dings."
SURE CURE.-A country editor has mmor-
talized himsefby discovery at once startling and
/ wonderful. He gets off the following: s'Certain
Ctre for Fle0s DOgS.-Soak the dog five minutes
/ in camphene, and then light him. We advise our
readers to try it.
MANKIND should learn temperance from
the moon the fuller she gets the smaller her horns
become.
WHAT is the difference between all ac-
cepted and rejected lover? One kisses his miss
and the other misses his kiss.
\ SAILOR, in giving his opinion of the re-
hgious denominations, said Il like the Episcopa-
han best and when asked why said, In all 9th
er churches you must sit mum and take the jaw
but III the Episcopal church you can jaw back.
'MY brudin," said colored preacher, des-
canting on the difficulties OF the sinner lit am
easy to row boat over Niagary Falls. but tre-
mendous job to row it back again"
An enfant tersiJle once asked a lady if the
person living in the next house to her was an IDIOT
Not that know OF, replied the lady. why do
you ask, chlld:' Because, said the child, "mam-
ma says You are next door TO a idiot
Ma" said an intelligent, thoughtful boy
OF mine Il don't think Soloman was SO rich as
they say he was" ''Why my dear. what could
have put that in your head ?" asked the astonshed
mother, Because the Bible says he slept with
his fathers and think if he had been so rich he
would have had bed Of his own.
A CoNNUB!AL kNoT.-An old lady had
married young and rather fast man. On one oc-
casiOn, shortly after their marriage, the husband
was about to set off on journey. His wife accom-
panied him to the railway station, and there bade
him adieu Charles, she said, remember that
you are married. Caroline" he reioined with
alaerity, Il will make memorandum of il And
he at once tied knot in his handkerchief
Ar recent meeting Of parish. strait
laced and most exemplary curate submitted a re-
port III writing OF the destitute widows and others
a tl IN no = =,
Are You snre. reverend Sir, asked another sol
emn brother, that you have embraced all the Wild
! ows:' He said he believed he had.
Tom MooRE said to Peel, on looking at the
picture of Irish orator. You can see the very
! quiyer Of his lips" Yes, said Peel land the
arrow coming out of it. Moore was telling that
to one of his countlmen. who said He meant
"irah coming out of it.
A GOOD story is told oi recent "smash .
up on Western railroad. soldier who. in com 7
ing from Baltimore 70 Rock Island had met with (
four accidents, on this occasion in the car that
/ turned completely over. Making his way through
a window. and gaining an upright position, he /
looked around hlm and coolly inquired 'Hhot |,
stotion do y0a call his p
a WICKED JoKE.--When it is a helmsman
like a candle When he's stearise.
SIRE, one word" said soldier one day /.
to Frederick the Great, when presenting to him =
request lOf the DIeSet OF lieutenant. IF
two, answered the King, Il will have you hanged /
Sign, replied the soldier. The King stared /
whistled, and signed.
Two Dutchman once got into a DISPUTE
about the English language, each one contending
that he could command the best. They made a
bet at length and appointed Judge to decide be
tween them and accordingly they began Veil,
Chou, said the first did it rain tomorrow :" Il
shall tink it wash" said John. Wasn't that iudpe
III quandary:
II KNEW young lady that said she didn't .
like turtle soup. Afectionately rebuking her.
was answered piteously that she didn't much OBJ
Ject to the taste, but that she thought it so cruel
and wicked to kill turtle-doves.
a MILLER had his neighbor arrested under
the charge OF stealing wheat from his mill but be-
ing unable to Substantiate the charge by proof the
Court adjudsed that the miller should make an .
apology to the accused. We'll, said he Il have
had you arrested for stealing my wheat | can't |
prove 1t: am sorry for it.
\ THRIFTY wife wonders why the men can't !
do something useful NIightn't they as well amuse |
themselves IN smoking hams III smoking cigars? |
THERE is said to be something consoling |
for every i'll in this life For instance if a man is
bald-headed his wife can't pull his hair
\ LADY, very fond of her husband not with
standing his ugliness of person. once said to Rog- |
ers the poet, What do YOU think my husband |
has laid out fifty guinies for baboon on purpose |
to please me. The dear little man, replied Rog-
ers, 'its just ike him.
If a shoemaker approaching his end, ,,cares !
cold and gives up his a,c what will become of his
sole if he can Rot breathe his last
\ LITTLE girl being sent to store to pur-
chase some dye-stuff, and forgetting the name of
the article said to the clerk John, what do folks
dy with" die with? Why cholera sometimes" "
replied John. well believe that's the name /
want to have three cents worth"
celebrated judge had a very stingy
wife. On one occasion she received his friends in
the drawing-room with a single candle please,
my dear, said his lordship to let us have second
candle, that We may see where the other stands"
INNOCENT CREATURE Am old lady won-
ders that when the thread of the Atlantic cable /
was broken the great Eastern didn't give a tack or
two, and repair IT. Her wonder is all the great
er as she was assured they had very good needle
on board.
y Social CoNTRADICTIoN-Ou Juvenile
Correspondent" says he can not make ii out. but
he finds that, with most of his acquaintances he
has fallen out, through having neglected oirop
in"