Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1865-08-19
QDBlo Statesman.
[From "Hours at Home" for July.l
The Inherent WicIkedness ofShirts

The Inherent WIckedness OF shirts.
A long time ago l undertook the super
vision Of set of shirts, including, of fcourse,
their wearer. 1t was the height of my
young ambition that the man should be ex-
actly fitted by his shirts, concerning which
he began to make complaints just one moon
after took him In charge. L.-
"What is the matter with them ?" meek
ly inquired.
"There isn't single one that fits me.'
Totally unconscious OF the inherent
wickedness of the article concerned. flat
tered myself that the difficulty would be cas-
lily remadied. So ripped here aud Dasted
there, pulled up this shoulder and pulled
down that till thought had got it.
Mistaken mortal it would not it
/ made another series of experiments
with equally futile results. Then Iconsult-
ed one or two friends, and felt sure had at
last discovered where the shoe-I mean the
shirt-pinched. applied cure, but the
thing wasn't cured. Next | employed a
tailor to try his skill. Not one whit better!
The man was getting-and L was getting
desperate. la .. ra0.
As my dernier resort, / summoned coun-
Gil of sewing society women, and we went
into committee of the whole. For hours
we expended our united wits on a single
shirt, often subjecting the luckless owner
to successive trials of the garment. ,...
"Don't that now fit your neck exactly? 7"
asked the head of the conspiracy, as for the
forty-tifth time we gathered around our
victim. ..
"Why, yes" with a charming smile of
relief and twisting his head about expert
mentally. "Really, can't suggest any inn
provement." -.t ra0 ..4
"oh be joyful" exclaimed 1, clapping
my hands. ...,,.. ,'
looking at me over her glasses as If some
important idea had struck her, suppose
we cut out a new shirt on the improved
plan, and If that suits, we'll take pattern
from it," "
"Agreed, cried 1, quite jubilant, and ran
to chest for the cotton. H..
| So we cut, basted, and tried on-sewed,
and tried on-starched, ironed, and tried
| on.
"Capital" affirmed our representative of
the lordly sex. "Not thread amiss. 1t is
the first time in my life that shirt has ex-
actly fitted me-"
| AS a grateful memorial, / made up six
new ones alter that identical pattern. We
entered on our triumphant epoch.
Woe worth the day! Must own that
before forty-eight hours had passed, that
eractly fitted" individual called me aside,
| and pointed with cruel significance to his
| neck.
81 am very sorry," said he, with the bland
| est air in the world. 81 suppose your mis-
take came from your great desire not to
choke me-" l l1..-.
mistake choke you!p echoed / convul-
sively, little tempted to try the latter.
"Don't be troubled. 1t requires only a
slight alterations tritle cut out Of the
binding, that's all. You see it's rather
large" 10 49,. .-...- ....t-.
'fWhy couldn't he have found it. out be-
fore ?"-to myself. Then aloud with great
dignity: "Tell me precisely how much to
cut out" u. ...
"Well, should say about an inch"
"Just about an inch," muttered | sarcas-
tically, adding, with sudden burst of in
dignation, II believe the mischief is all in
your neck, which dilates and contracts on
purpose to torment me.o
He smiled kindly on my wrathful tears,
and I-well--when the shirt was trough
dry" dutifully cut out the inch, basted
the binding, and tried it on again.
''That is just what l wanted. 1t does
very nicely now, you see" working his chin
up and down. ...... r.
"Practice makes perfect, and this time
you hit the nail on the head"
When the change was completed, he once
more tried on the shirt, and unequivocally
assured me that "it fitted to a T." So
made the same alteration in the other five
and sat down to take bit of comfort.
Can you imagine what neXthappened?
In the course of fortnight, the man gave
me an invitation to ride with him, which
was only too happy to accept. How ex.
| oil min 10 Uaot
might have suspected something was com
ing. From one thing to another he led the
conversation, till finally he approached tht
old hateful topic, (he had on one of his new
shirts.) s.f...
~ don't mind my vexation," remarked
innOcently, snow that you are at last suit
ed" Then, supposing the matter foreve
at rest, l turned to a pleasanter subject
But coming back to the shirts again, hi
face assumed such deprecating look, that
exclaimed in alarm: ..,- II. 3....
"Nothing ails them now, hope"
"Only very little thing, and easily
altered. In your fear of getting them tot
large, they are a trile too small, only ;
trifle." .af ., .... ..
1 My heart swelled, but I uttered not
word. .. .'.,.. ,'
\ When we reached home, I made hin
II
much he wished inserted. The shirt he ha,
on happened to be the identical one ha,
Il first altered. / was fortunate enough to dis
cover in my work-basket the very piece
had cut out. And was malicious enough
to exult at its proving the exact measure o
the addition wanted. So sewed.it in again
repeating to myself all the while, "Oh tn,
croChettynesS of man J" f,-. .t,...,.'.,
i Will you believe me when whisper |
confidentially, that after all this, for man,
years, alternated between cutting out AM
putting in the self same piece--the man
neck invariably playing me false.
i OF late, however, i have dropped the la
Dor of sewing, having discovered that pin
ming over one week, and unpinning tn
next, answers all the purpose. The victim
of this perpetual change silently acqui
esces in the inevitable arrangement; ant
what is better, he has learned to do the thinl
himself. ..s9l.gr.-4
There is shirt hanging over chair II
the chamber at this moment. l have hat
the curiosity to 60 in and examine it, as .
have been writing. 1 find it is the piniin
over week. Tjlol 5 e'i1.-sr
Ice Cream. hs ilf4.
1 do not propose to give instructions II