The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1865-09-16
Artemus Wards Autobiography.
BY HIMSELF

TO send you sum leading incidents I'D my
life 80 YOU can write my Bogfry for the
papers. come dooly to hand. hav TO
doubt that article onto my life,
grammattycally jerked aud properly
Tnnk tooated, would be a addition to the
chois literatoor of the day
To the vooth of Ameriky it would be
vallyble as shown how high pinykle of
fame q man can reach who commenst
his career with small canvas tent and
u pea-grecn OK, which he rubbed it Oh
while scratchin hisself agin the center
pole. causin in Railway, n. j.. discrim.
mating mob to say humbugs would not
20 down in them village. The OK resoom'd
agricultooral pnrsoots shortly afterwards
next tried my hand at given Blind
man concerts appearin as the poor
blind.man myself But the infamous
cuss who hired to lead me round town
in the day time to excite sympathy
drank freely of spiritoous Ticker unbe-
knowns to me one day, & while under
them ipfiooance he led me into the canal.
/ had TO either tear the green bandige
from nv eyes or be drownded. / tho't
ld restore my eyeslght.
ia writin about these things, Mr. Edi.
ter, kiner smooth EN- over. Speak Of
'em "a eccentrissities Of genus.
Nv next venture would hav bin sue
cess if hadn't tried to do too much |
got up series of wax figgers, aud among
others that of Socrates. thot a wax
fgger of Old Sock would be poplar with
sddycated people, but unfortinitly put
Il Brown linen buster and L. 3. army
regulation cap upon him, which peple
with classical sddycations said it was a
farce This enterpriz was unfortanit
in other respects. At certain town |
advertised wax figger Of the Hon'ble
Amos Perkins, who was Railroad Presi-
dent and great person in them parts. -
But it appeared had shown the same
6gger for Pirut named Gibbs in that
town the previs season, which created an
immense toomult, & the audience re-
marked shame onto me" 4 other state
Inents of the same similarneSs | tried
to mollify EN-. / told them that any
family possessin children might have my
she tiger to play with half day, Il ]
wouldn't charge elm cent, but alars! 1t
was of no avail. / was forced to leave,
and / infer from an article in the Adver-
tizer of that town, in which the Editur
SAWS Although time has silvered this
uan'- he'd with its frosts, he still brazen-
IL wallOws in nfamy. Still are his snakes
sound and his wax works unreliable. We
are glad that he has concluded to never
revisit our town, although, incredible as
it may appear, the fellow really did con
template 80 doing last summer; when,
still tIue to the craven instincts of his
black heart, lie wrote the hireling
kuavrs at the obscure journal across the
street To know what they would charge
fnr fIur hundred SNAIL bills, TO be done
cr yellow paper We shah recul to this
-: CT again"
ls4y. infer from this Article that a
ri: iCs still exists agin me i'll that
,.5u
will rot speak of p,y once being i'll
straiteued circumstances in a sertin
town; and Of my endeavOrin' 70 dccumu-
late Nelth 10y lettin myself to Sabbath
school picnics. to sing ballads adapt. d t"
the understandings of httl. childrcH, at
cumpanying myself on a clari"nrtt-
which forgot where vas Ole dn} ing.
in instead OF oh. how pleasant 20 Lo a
little child.
nip Sn2p-tct eln up d-dlU'
Right IN the middle " a three cent pie.
Which mistake, added to the fact that
couldn't play on the clariOnett except
making it howl dismal, broke mp the pic
mic, and children said in voices cDo'ied
with sObs aud emotious where waa their
lone and whore was their Pa ! aud
SAD DO quiet dear children, l am your
Pa. which made a young woman with
Two twins by h,r side say very augrlly
Good heavens forbid you should ever be
the Pa Of any Of these Innocent Ouea M
less it is much desirable for them {" "K-
pire igmininysly up on to mus Geror's
gallus ;"
say I will not speak OF this Lot it
be Berrid into OBLIVION.
IN your article, Mr. Editor. please tell
'em wnat sort of a man lam
II YOU SEQ tit to krticise my Show
speak your mind freely do not object
to criticism. Tell the public, in a ran-
did aud graceful article, tiat nv show
abnunds in moral aud startlin cnir-i-
ties auy one of whom is worth double the
price of admission.
hav thus far spoke Of uuS4ait e,ci""'-
lively as exhibitor,
! WAS born III the STATE ~ Maine ~ ~
reuts As an infaut ! attracted E,r3t
deal of attention. The uabeT, would
stand oSer my cradle foi hours AMI say.
How bright that little face looks How
much il uose ;" The young ladies' would
carry me round in their arms. saying !
vas lruzzer's beSZy darliu and sweet
Getty little thing 1t was nice. tho |
wasn't old enutf to properly appreciate
It Pm n healthy old darlin' now.
hev allcIs sust aimed n moral charac-
ter. Twas never a,ailroad conductor III
nay life.
Altho in early iii: d,I not Invariably
confue myself ia the truth ia oty SMALL
bills | hey bin grAdouaily sf0win ya-
spectabler and respectable, every ,vdg.--
i luv my children. aud never M /,
another mans wife for any o"n l." hot
/, member Of any meeting h1u,>. tat
6'leeye in m9etih houses and shouldn't
feel safe 10 take i dose II laudUGm AID
aud lay down IN the streets u . ,lliage
that hadn't any with II 600 bill III ny
vest pocket
Ny temperament is bilious. a!tho'
don't owe dollar in the world
am an early riser, my wife is t,as
terrain | may add I'm also bald beaded
/ keep two cows
Iliy Ia BaldinsSille lndiauy MSn
door nabor is old Steve Billiu~ II Iril
you little story abont Old SIc>. that
will make you larf, He jined the ChurcL
last Spring and the minister said 'You
must 90 home now Brother Rillin,,s and