The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1865-12-27
The First Baby.

By the Rev. Mr., s. W. B., to C. G.,
only daughter, etc. mo cards." Why
didn't it say no baby? have one of those
interesting animals at my house. 1t came
when it rained, dark as pitch, and my um-
hrella at the store, no cars running. The
doctor lived five miles due West. and the
nurse six miles due east, and when rot
home to the bosom Of my family the con-
densed milkman was at the next door 1t
is funny little chip, that baby, Solferino
color, and the length Of a Bologna sausage.
Cross | guess not I'm. UNI; it com
menced chasing me down the pathway Of
life just when muslin, linen and white Han
mel were the highest they had been since
Adam built a house for Mrs. Ewes chickens
doctors charged two dollars squirt, four
dollars grunt, and, on account of the
scarcity Of rain in the country, take what is
left in q mans-pocket, NO discount for cash,
and send bill Tor balance, January LIST. A
poor little thing is that baby: speck Of a
rose like wart; head as bald as squash,
and no place to hitch waterfall; q mouth
just suited to come the gum game and chew
milk. Oh. crackee, you should hear her
sing. | have bumped it, stuffed my fur cap
down its throat, given it the smoothing iron
to play with, but that little red lamp that
looks as il it couldn't hold blood enough 10
keep \ musketo from fainting, persists in
yelling like thunder. II shows great de-
sire to swallow its fists and the other day
they dropped down its throat, and all that
prevented their going clear through, was
the crook Of its elbows. It stopped its
muscle. and was happy one and half
minutes. It's pleasant thing to have .
baby in the house-one Of your bellyache
kind. Think Of the pleasures Of father.
in dishabille. trembling in the midnight
yard Of cold oil cloth, dropping paregoric
humping on the door, wife of your bosom
shouting hurry, and the baby yelling till
the fresco drops flAm the ceiling It's .
nice time to think Of dress coats, pants, ties
and white kids. Shades of departed cock.
tails what comfort, what a picture for an
artist in plaster Of paris. Its mother says
the darling is troubled with wind on the
stomach; it beats all the wind instruments
you ever heard. I have to get up in the
cold while the milk warns; it uses the
bottle. have cradle with representa-
ton Of miraculous soothing syrup bottle
on the dashboard. ltried to stop its breath
the other night, 1t was no 60; rocked it so
hard | missed the stays and sent il slap
clear across the room. upsetting q jar Of
preserves. 1t didn't make any noise, then,
oh, no. It's mother says only wait until II
gets bleached, its been vaccinated,) and
old enough to crawl around and feed on
pins. Yes. I'm going to wait Won't = be
delightful! John run for the doctor, sis has
fell in the slop-pail, and is choking with
potato SIKH: sis has fell down stairs, sis has
swallowed the tack hammer shows SIGNS of
the mumps. measles, Group, whooping-
cough, smallpox, cholic, dysentery, chol-
era infantum, or some other darn thing to
let the doctor take all the money laid by for
my winters corn beef and all this comes Of
shampooing and curling my hair, wearing
nice clothes, looking handsome, going 8
counting, and making my wife fall in love
and marry ME.