Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1865-04-21
alnmprs of tlte dlay.

EPITAPH oN PouLTERER--A gore gooser.
EPIrAPH on A PLowBoY--Only clod
NorIcE OF MoTIoN.-The railway whistle.
WHAT is the most pleasant music in ball
broom That made by bellies.
The seriousness of a young girl is rarely SO
innocent as her fun.
The cooks of splendid household: are Civ
Zen rather to feed upon us than to fe ed us.
MAY not bird which sleeps upon the wing
be said to occupy feather bed.
III The price of eggs is high, but the hens
smust get an on-nest living
FIGURArIyELY speaking, woman may BE-
said to xL when she is forty.
If you would find a great many faults, be
8on the look out. If you would fnel them in
still greater abundance, be on the look in.
A barnacle-nosed old fellow gave as rea-
SON for taking his liquor clear, that since the
aood, water had always tasted of sinners.
The most disagreeable two legged animal
zknown, is little great man, and the next, a
little great man s factotum and friend.
A POLITE philosopher once thanked lady
Awho had been singing to party for an hour
by saying, Madam you have wasted our
time most charmingly."
AN English paper advertises "a piano for
ssale by lady about to cross the channel, in
Han oak case with carved legs
"A Mr.. MooRE who derived his pedigree
from Noah, explained it in this manner =
3 Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one
6 more"
MEy of genius make the best husbands
\ A fool has too much opinion of his own dear
\ self and too little of women to be easily gov
erned.
"FA1x, said humorous Irishman the otla
4 ser day in the petroleum diggings, ''ye ma,
4 call Ameriky a continent if you plaze, bnt tt
my thinkin' it's beautiful oil-land' (island.
II woxDER,' said woman Of humor.
Il why my husband and l quarrel so often
for we agree uniformly on one point-he wish
3es to be master and so do |. y
Az Irish guide told tourist, who wished
for the reason why echo was always OF the
Ssfeminine order, that may be it was because
she had always the last word
~ NEVER marry a clever woman. The reason
why is self evident-she is sure to turn ou'
mot better half merely, but in fact master
piece.
ENcHASrREssEs.- With the Egyptians, tn
enchanters were only learned men, With u
E1# E s9arIietls arv tIsT elcrtan
stresses.
SMOTHER can't go and get my daguerreo
type taken?'' mo, | guess it isn't wortl
while. swell, then, you might let me g,
and have a tooth pulled, IneTer get to go any
ssswhere.'
The following letter was written by young
lady:
''Dear Kuzzen We is well, and mother.
ssgot the his Terrix brother Tom has got the
# Hupin Kof and sister Ann has got babee
land hope these few lines will find you injoy
ging the same. Rite sune. Your affectunatt
skuzzen.'
81 AN awkward man, attempting to carve a
goose, dropped it the floor. ''There
afnowl'' exclaimed his wife, .'we've lost our
dinner "oh no my dear y answered ne
aits safe, have got my foot on it.
Az Ohio politician was boasting in public
speech, that he could bring an argument to
IA pint as quick as any other man. ''You can
bring quart to pint good deal quicker
Areplieda Kentucky editor.
PoErIcAL-M Hunt in his lecture on com
mon law, remarked, ''that lady when she
gmarried lost her personal identity-her dis
9tinctive character; and was like dewdrop
swallowed up by sunbeam"
"a MISERABLE PEOPLE. Young ladieswith new
Abonnets rainy sundays, and dresses playing
dip, dip at every step. A witness in bribe-
Try case a smoking nephew on a visit to an
aanti-smoking aunt. A young doctor, who
shas just cured his first patient and has no pros
Il pect of another. A star actress withher name
in small type on a bill.
A coNTRABAND, undertaking to find situa-
tion for her daughter in Cincinnati, insisted
supon said daughters being instructed, Upon
%being requested to indicate what kind Of ac-
accomplishments she was desirous of having
shopeful daughter possess, she said, ''De gal
" must be learned de piano and painting, any
show, and mebbe arter while readin' and
sritin''
81 A GERMANTOWN tavern-keeper, who was
talking boastingly abouthis customers, said of
Zone of them :-''He is the most regular man
hin Germantown he comes here and gets
drunk every Saturday, and has done so for
sten years, except when his mother died, and
Ssthen he came on Sunday. 1t is grand thing
Ito be punctual. =
@ II is related of Jonah, that when he took
sup his quarters in the whales belly, he wrote
1#home to his father to come down immediately
3as he had discovered a splendid opening forI
the oil business. The next day he telegraph
ged to the old gentleman as follows: "Father.I
Sdon't come. I'm badly sucked in. Plenty of
goiI, but no marketln This is the first offsh-
Val account historians give us Of the oil bust
mess.
IRlsH PRovERBs. Men of straw don't make
sthe best bricks It's marrow bed that has
ano turning When money is sent flying out
iof the window, it's poverty that comes in all
sthe DOOR The pig that pleases to live must
Give to please. One man may steal hedge,