Smyrna times., 1865-10-11
WHOLE NO. 5s4
Artemus Wards AutObi,grapbv,
NEW YORK, NEAR FIFTH AvENoo HOTEL.


| A' -'NEANS L II Iii ANENOO HOTEL, I
! Org. 3lct.
DEAR S1R:--Yours, in which YOU ask me to
Seho you sum leadin incidents in INV life so Won
can write my Bogtry for the papers cum doolv
" hsnu' have no doubt that an article onto
my ne, gr9mmattycally ierked and properly
Eunktooatea would be addition to the chois
To the yOOth of Amerikv II would - .,,..
BILE as shown how high a pinmykin If f,n'sa
man can reach who cOmmcnst his coroor ,r;+h
small canvas tent and pea green NV VIII
! ne fuDDed OF while scratching hisself ao;n tho
center pole, causing in Railway, n. j. a dis
Grlmlnatlng mob to say humbugs would not 90
down in them village. The OK resoom d agri.
cuItooral pursoOts shortly afterwards.
next tried my hand at givin BIind-man
concert, appearin as the poor blind man myself,
But the lntamus cuss who | hired to lead me
round towns III the day time to excite simpa-
tiny: drank freely OF spiritoous liker unbe-
kncwnst to me one day, & while under the in
hooence no led me into the canal. | had To
either tear the green bandage from my ewes or
be drowned. L thOt I'd restore my eyesight.
In wrltln about these things Mr.. Editor,
klner smooth EN- over. Speak of EN- as eecen.
tricities of genus.
- My next venter would have been a success
II L had mt tried to do to much. got up
series OF wax hggers, and, among others, one
| oI socrates. thot wax figger of Old Sock
would be popular with edeycated penle. hut
qnf0rtnltely, put Brown linen duster an
Y. >. Army regulation cap on him. which ne
| PIE with classycle eddycation said it was
Iarce 1hls enterprise was untortunit in other
respcckS. At certain town | advertised a
wax hgger OF the Hon bic Amos Perkins, who
was Railroad President, and great person
III them parts. But it appeared had shown
the same hgger tor pirut named Gibbs in
tnat town the previous season, which created
a intense toomult, & the audience remarked
ohame onto me, and other statements Ofthe
sam same slmlarness. s 1 tried to mollify them. 1
told EN- that any family pOssessin children
might have my she tiger to play with half
day, q wouldn't charge EN- a cent But,
alars it was no avail
was forced to leave, and infer from ar.
tlce in the Advertiser of that town. in which
the Editor says: "Alltho time has silyered
this mans head with its frosts, he still brazen-
y, walIows in infamy. Still are his snakes stuff
ed and his wax works unreliable. We are glad
that he has concluded to never revisit our town.
| altho incredible as it may appear, the fellow
reely did contemplate so doing last summer,
when still true to the craven instincts of his
black heart, he wrote the hirling knaves of the
| obskewer jernel across the street to know what
they would charge for 400 small bills done on
yaller paper! We shall recur to this matter
again.
| say, infer from this article that preiu.
dis still exists agln me in that town.
will not speak of my once being in strait.
ened circumstances in certain town, and of
my endeavorln to accumulate wealth by lettin
myself to sabbath School pic-nics to sing bal
lads adapted to the understandins of little
children accOmpanyin myself on a clarioneet
which forgot where l was one day, singin
instead OF "Oh, how pleasant to be little
child,
Rlp, snap-set EN- up again
hight in the middle of three-cent pie.
which mistake, added to the fact that 7 could
not play onto the clarioneet except making il
howl dismal, broke up the picnic and child
rem said in voices choked with sohs and emo
tlons where was their home and where was
their Pa and said be quiet dear children.
l. am your Pa, which made young woman,
with two twins by her side, say very angrily,
Good heavens forbid that you should be the
Pa of any Of these innocent ones unless it is
much desirable for them to expire igminyus-
up on to murderer S gallus"
say will not speak Ofthis. Lett be Ber-
rid in OblivyOn.
In your article Mr.. Editor, please tell EN-
what sort of a man l am.
If you see fit to kriticise my show speak your
mind freely. L do not object to kriticism. =
Tell the public in candid and graceful arti.
Gle that my show aboundS in moral and startlin
curloSltles, any one of whom is wuth bubble
the price of admission.
have thus far spoken ofmyselfe
ly as an exhibitor.
was born in the State of Maine of parents.
As infant attracted great deal of atten-
ton. The naberS would stand over my cradle
for hours and say, How bright that little face
looks How much it nOes!' The young la
dies would carry me rOuEd in their arms sayin
| was muzzer S bezzy darlin, and swcety, eety
ting. 1t was nice, tho | wasn't old enuff to
properly appreciate it. I'm healthy old dar-
lin now.
l have alters sustained good moral char
acter. / was never a railroad director in my
life.
Altho in early life did not inva bly, conine
myself to truth in my small bills, hav been
gradOoally CROWN respectabler and respecta-
bier evry year. luv my children, and never
mistake another mans wife for my own. I'm
not member of any meetin house, and should
not feel safe to take dose OF la9dnrm and
lay down in the street of a village that hadn't
any. without thousand dollars in my vest
pocket.
a dollar in the world ..
am n early riser my wife is Presbyterian
may add, also, that | am bald d-heded. keep
two cows. m
| Iiy in Baldinsville, Indiany. My nextdoor
naber is Old Steve Billins. Ill tell you lit 81
fle story about old Steve that will make you
larf. He jined the church last spring, and the
minister said, ''You must go home now broth
er Billins and erect family alter in-your own
house, whereupon the egrejis old ass vent
room He had the jiners in his. house over
four days t -,r- 80. 80. .1t
l am Sc (56) years of age. Time, with, its
rlentless scythe is ever busy. The Old Sexton
gathers them in, he gathers them inl keep
q pig this year. =. -.
I don't think Of anything more, Mi. Editor.
If you should give portrait in connection
with my Bogifry, please have me engraved in
a langtIishin attitoOd, leanin on marble pillar,
leaven my back hair as it is now. .r -. .Iy'.a
.Trooy, yours, .,,og ,,,, A. WARD.
B. B. Allen has large stock of Boots and =
Shoes, both of gents and ladies, which he will