Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-11-21
WIT AND HUMOR.


WIT AND HUMOR.
Every bird pleases us with it's lay-especially
the hen.
mule in the United States service is now call
ed O brevet-horse.
A correspondent wishes to know how much the
araste of time measures round.
Woman is said to be mere delusion, but it is
something pleasant to hug decisions.
Marriage is like money-seem to want it, and
you never get it.
Mrs. Lickemwel says she whips her children to
make them smart.
Why are the flowers on lady's like wha
lers Because they are 9'arter- fsh-ile.' -
Geese, dull as they are, initiate men. Notice,
that if one of the flock drinks, the rest follow.
At a circus woman jumps clean through hoops.
In society they jump into them and stick there.
A man who courts young woman in the star
light probably expects to get wife in twinkling
The most delicate method of giving lady key
to your feelings is to send her lock ofyour hair
If you want to kindle the flame of love in la
dys breast, you must spark her until she is eager
for match.
An old bachelor says it is much joy when you
first get married, but it is much more jawy after
year or so.
Young men in Lawrence, Kansas, have to get
married in order get board, the land ladies there
take none but married people.
citizen of New Jersey was lately arrested for
Jogging woman, and excused the act by saying
that he was sighted, and thought it was his
wife ]!
A Hottentot once got up painting of Heaven.
1t was enclosed with fence made of sausages,
with fountain that squirted pot-pie.
An itinerant preacher who rambed in his SER
mons, when requested to stick to his text, replied
''that scattering shot would hit the most birds"
correspondent introduces piece of poetry by
saying, s'The following lines written more
than fifty years ago, by who has for many
years slept in his grave merely for his own amuse-
ment."
"For two years my husband was lieutenant in
the horse marines" said Mrs. Jerusha Chbbles
s'after which he promoted to the captaincy of
a regular squad Of sap-heads and minors"
Ike, said Mrs. Darlington, how do they find
out the distance between the earth and the sun?
Oh, said the young hopeful, they calculate
quarter of the distance, and then multiply by four.
cause of his client. hen he had done, his an
tagonist, with supercilious sneer, said he did
not understand word the other said who mere
ly replied, 81 believe it, for was speaking law,
A butchers boy, carrying tray on his shoul-
der, accidentally struck against ladys head
ssThe deuce take the tray" said the lady. 'Mad-
ame," said the boy grayey, ssthe deuce can't take
the tray"
There is an editor in La Crosse who had kissed
so much Of sweetness from the lips of the girls,
that the assessor puts him down so much sugar,
on account of the sweetness he has gathered, and
the sqeezng he has endured
western editor complains that his poverty
came very near being exposed to the world. A
pickpocket relieved him of his purse, but unex-
pectedly and considerably refrained from saying
anything about its contents.
Teacher-"How many axes are there?'
Boy-s'Broad axe, narrow axe, post axe, meat
axe, axe of the Legislature, axing price, and axe
of the Apostles"
Teacber-"Good go to the mead of the class I"
ssVat you make here % hastily inquired a
Dutchman of his daughter, who was being kissed
very DANGEROUSLY.
sOh, not much, just counting little-dat's all. /"
"Oho, dat's all, no /! l thought you be fighting"
The following error in punctuation is a good il
lustration of the of the comma. At banquet
this toast was given:
ssWoman-wthout her, man is a BRUTE"
The reporter had it printed.
ssWoman-w her man, is BRUTE"
A chance for "Betsey." They are calling loud
ly for wives in the Rocky Mountains. A healthy
wife, it is said, will fetch most any price. The
fact is, the lonely old bachelors out there have
grown desperate, and don't care cuss for expen-
ees so they get good article of wife.
A Dutchman seeing one of the posters announ-
cling the coming of the panorama of ssParadise
Lost" and reading this line "a Rebellion in Heav
en-, suddenly exclaimed-'a Rebellion in Heaven! |
Mein Colt Dat lasts not long now. Onkel Abe
ish tare.'
One evening, we are told, after weary march
through the desert, Mahommet was camping with |
his follow ers, and overheard Of them saying,
81 will loose my camel, and commit 1t to God;
on which Mahomet took him up. ssFriend, tie thy |
camel and commit it to God'-that is, do whatev-
er it is thine to do and leave the issue with God.
An ssintelligent contraband" found his way to |
General Grants headquarters during the war,
whereupon the following colloquy ensued:
s'What's your name q
"My names SAM.
tSam whatY"
ssNo, sab not Sam Watt. Use just Sam
ssWhats your other name 2"
ssI'se got no odder name sah Use Sam-thats |
ALL"
s'What's your masters name?"
sIse got no massa now massa4 ruined away.
Yah! yah Use free niger now"
swell, what is your fathers and mothers
name 2"
s'Pse got none sab; nebber had none Use
Just Sam-nobody else"
ssHaye you any brothers and sisters 2"
No, sab; neber had none No brudder, no Sis
ter, no fadder, no mudder, no massa-nothing
but Sam. When you see Sam you see all deere is
of de family"