The Iowa transcript. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1858-1866, 1865-09-06

Ftt-AiAh DlothCi hOou'
When is Silence likely to get wet
When it Reigns.
The cup that neither cheers nor inebr-
ates The hic-cup.
whats the use, asked ragged fellow
"of a mans working himself to death to get
q living"
--Foote expressed a belief that certain
miser would take the beam out of his own
eyes, if he could sell the timber.
A debtor who can't pay is apt to run
away Like the lightning, if he can't fork
he bolts.
The housekeepers of the country are
getting up an agitation against raising their
carpet tax.
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons?
Because they new -til-late, aud destroy pa
tents.
Josh Billings says, 'sWhen once AK ed if
believed in The final salvation of
men, | sed yes, but let me pick the men,"
1t is said that some mothers have grown
50 affectionate that they give their children
chloriform previous to whipping them.
--''IIow strange it is, said Pat as he
trudged along on foot one hot day." that
Ilitn HeNci uCciS u team SpluS Tic SdlHc way
he is
What is the best attitude for self-de-
fence asked pupil of a well-known pu-
gilist keep a civil tongue in your head"
was the reply.
When does a lady resemble nut
When she has filbert nails hazel eyes, chest
nut hair and colonel (kerneD for a hus-
band.
HARD TMEs.--The young ladies' down
East complain that the gentlemen are so
poor that they cannot even pay Their ad-
dresses
What is the difference between perse-
verence and obstinacy
Ans.--One is a strong will and the other
is a strong won't
Howe, the great sewing machine in
crazy. Why isn't there somebody like Dick
ems to teach Howe not to do it.
A fellow in Albany is going to have his
life insured. SO that when he dies, he may
have something to live on. and not be de-
pendent on the cold charities Of the world
as he once was.
a married man was recently at party,
and when he proposed to 60 home, was asked
to remain little longer. well, he said:
perhaps | may as well my wife is proba
bly, already as mad as she can be-
why do you set cup Of coffee on the
chair, Mr.. JONES' said worthy landlady
one morning at breakfast.
II, Is 50 weak ma am, l thought I would
let it rest, replied Jones.
a marine dispatch has Just been re-
ceivel from England. stating that one of the
learned societies in London had discovered
that the failure Of the Atlantic Cable was
owing TO the fact that the Company did not
succeed in laying it.
The times are so hard | can scarcely
keep my nose above water" said a husband
to his wife who was importuning him for a
new dress NO" she replied with some
asperity, '.but you manage TO keep it above
brandy easy enough
when a superior race like ours said
one of the chiyalry to a modest looking
Federal soldier. .'comes in contact with an
inferior race like the negro, what do you
think will be the result - ..Mulattoes,' was
the ready answer of the Yank.
CALL IT GUILTY In a recent case Of as
sault, the defendant pleaded guilty. 81
think | must be guilty, for the plaintiff and
NE were tut OulS ones III the TOOIfl, anu tH1
first thing knew. was standing up and
the plaintiff was doubled up on the floor.
guess you'd better call it guilty.
Said old Tyson to Pixy, II saw man
at the gymnasium last night. put up two
fifty-sixes with perfect ease. pooh -
replied Pixy, ..that's nothing. | know q
man in Wall street. who. for fiier, put up
fve-twenties and ten-forties to the top Of
the market
An editor being asked why he did not pub
fish the communications sent to his Office,
replied that nobody would publish his when
he was youngster. and he intended to be
even with the world. He had newspaper
of his own and correspondents might go to
the devil.
An exchange announces that sQueen
Victoria is to travel on the continent incog-
nito under the title Of the Duchess Of Ian
caster This reminds us of the little girl
who told visitor that '.her papa was going
to receive surprise visit tomorrow even
ing
MoNARcHIcAL MAxIMs. - According to
McDufhe, Cotton is King" Broderick
averred that ..Gold is King" recent
Tribune article on a sugar discovery asserts
that Corn is King but Andrew Johnson
has demonstrated that the New York Col
lector is King.
A little girl about four years old, and a
little boy about six, had been cautioned not
to take away the nest-egg; but one morn
ing when they went for the eggs, the little
girl took it and started for the house. Her
disappointed brother followed crying -
Mother. mother. Susys been and got the
egg the old hen measured by
Tom. said one little urchin to another,
rewards of merit -
Il spose he does was the reioinder.
'.he gives me thrashin' regularly every day
and says merit two
"A Snowman, while dissenting on the
habits and ferocious character of the Alliga-
tor. having represented the one ON exhibit
ton TO be some twenty feet in length, when
in truth it was but seven feet. Dick said it
reminded him Of the western orators re-
Spouse to his opponent, THAT allegation is
false, and that alligator knows it.
Nov gentlemen" said Sheridan to his
guests, rs the ladies left the room, :. let us
understand each other. Are we to drink
like men or beasts
Somewhat indignant, the guests replied :
''hke men. Of course
Then We are all going to get jolly drunk
for the hrutes never drink more than they
want
Some of the ladies may be interested
in Bricks opinion of the present style of
head gear. Here it is;
..Sea-sidc hats, are made by whitewash-
ing old hoop-skirts, standing them out to
dry, and setting down On them quick. An