Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-11-23
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

A DUTCHMAN few days ago, picked up a
| bound volume OF documents, ON the back of which
was stamped ''Pub Docs" .'Teifel," said he
| wat kinder pooks will dey print next? As lif
here Is one on ptgp toys
Why cannot a gentleman legally possess
a short walking stick because it can never be-
| long to him.
A MAN in getting out of an omnibus, a
| few days since, made use of two rows of knees as
banisters to steady himself at which the ladies
took otfense and one cried aloud, 'sHe is perfect
sayage!' True, F" said wag, inside, she belongs
to the Paw-knee tribe"
''WHAr is the chief use Of bread ?" asked
| an examiner mt u recent school exhibition. 1.-THE
| chief use OF bread" answered the urchin appar-
entity astonished at the simplicity of the inqui y,
rs to spread butter and jam ON it.
| OK the door Of parish church, not
hundred miles from Pendle Hill, was recently af-
fixed the following notice ''The church wardens
will hold their quarterly meeting erery sir ,reelS
instead of half-yearly as formerly"
BRIGHAM You've is, indeed, a Pillar of Salt
Lake His idea of wife is-L0ts.
"RosE, my DEAR" said a mother to her
daughter If you are so stiff and reserved YOU
will never get husband. 'NIa, retorted the
young lady, unless the poets tell tbs, prip rose
is not without attractions" q"
Why is barrister like retail liquor
dealer ?-because his business depends upon his
standing at the bar.
WHY is kissing your sweetheart like eat
ing soup with fork because it takes IA long time
to get enough of it.
One who has had considerable experience
IN the house -eeping line, says that home should
be supplied with such necessaries us piety pickles
pots and kettles, brushes brooms beneVolence,
| hfaol cha OH f,ifh - II
sincerity, onions, integrity vinegar, wine and wis
dom. Have all these and happiness will be with
you.
GAIL HAMILTON says one can be daughter,
sister, friend, without impeachment of one sagac-
ity but it is dreadful endorsement Of a man to
marry him.
IDEA is a shadow that departeth speech
is feeting the wind reading is unremembered
pa@time but writing is eternal
WE are enabled to state positively that
al the jokes relating to crinoline are not used up
For instance Why do ladies wear such extraordi-
nary things as crnoline? Because all the heaven
ly bodies move III eccentric circles.
IN game of cards, good deal depends
ON good playing, and good playing on good deal
GEESE, dull as they are, initiate men-
Notice that if one Of the flock drinks the rest fol-
low.
"ED," said a customer who had Just pur-
chased a bottle of Bourbon from jocose apothe-
cary, " can you tell me why whiskey always tastes
smoky 'It is because it always comes in pipes
replied the compounder of pills
AN exchange gives the following sensi-
BILE advice Stick to your home paper No matter
If you are poor, remember none are so poor as the
Ignorant except it be the depraved, and they too
often go together. Keep y0ur home paper Re
member that it is the advertiser of your neighbor-
hood and tells you what is going on around Won
instead OF thousand miles away.
ADAM, in his capacity of gardner was un-
doubtedly the inventor of the well known dignity
of labor.
ARTHUR is real Union boy, but not at all
rei9ously inclined, so that his mamma often has
great difficulty in getting him to pray understand
Ingly One evening, after much persuasion, he
knelt down to repeat his usual prayer but said =
NOW lay me down to sleep, shouting the battle
cry of freedom"
On, Mr. Grubbles y exclaimed a young
mother, shouldn't you like to have a family of
rosy children about your knee? ?" 'No, ma am, "
said the disageeable oldbachelor I'D rather have
"A lot OF yellow ooys in my pocket"
A TAvERN-KEEPER, at Lchigh, Lancashire. |
has inscribed over his door, instead of the usual
pictorial notification, my signs in the cellar A
man who lives opposite says thet folks who go into
that cellar almost always bring out the signs there
of with them.
excuse me, madam, butI would like to |
know why you look at me SO savagely, said gem
tleman to lady stranger. '.Oh beg pardon sir |
| took you for my husband !" was the reply
YOU are very handsome" said gentle
man to a lady. "Ah!" said the lady, $50 you |
would say if you did not think so. And so you |
would think, answered he, though should net
say So
YOU'VE WIFE-"Oh, my dear, there is a
most lovely set-pin, earrings and sleeve buttons.
Do go buy them" Mn TIGHTsTRING-''Y Yes. my |
dear, mean to go by them possible"
4 COUNTRY girl was split from wagon at |
Columbus, Ohio, and had all her fnery mussed and |
dirtied: She lay some time insensble. Her first
trembling exclamation on recovering was Il hope |
there editor in sight"
CABBAGE" says the Edinburgh Review,
contains more muscle-sustaining nutriment than |
any other vegetable" This probably accounts for
the fact or there being many athletic fellows |
among the tailors
4 VERY absent-minded individual being |
upset from boat in the river sunk twice before |
he remembered that he could swim. He fortunate
ly remembered it just before he sunk the third and
last time great invention is memory.
A GENTLEMAN lately heard laborer grave
ly inform two comrades that seventy -four pound
er is cannon that sends ball exactly seventy
four miles.
81 think 1how see a new lecture in this |
case, as the lawyer said when his client informed
him that he had plenty of money.
A POOR, thoughtless old gentleman sat
down the other day, on the spur of the moment.
His screams were frightful.
A CoNFECTIoNER in New York has brought |
his business to such perfection that he is now Of
fering to the public his candied opinion.
If there be no tints of affection in the |
morning haze offe, it will be in vain to seek them
in the staring light of the late moon.
A PERSON who has been travelling 'Down |
East, says that he saw plenty Of pine-orchards,
but no pine-apples
"OH, mother, do send for the doctorSsaid |
a little boy of three years. ''What for my dear 2
why there's gentleman in the parlor who SAYS !
he will die if Jane don't marry hn-and Jane |
says she won't"
a YANKEE lawyer who was pleading the |
cause of a little boy, took him up in his arms and /
held him up to the jury sutfused in tears This |
had great effect until the opposite lawyer asked
the boy what makes you cry?' ''He's pinching !
me, said the boy.
AN Irish drapOOn ON hearing that his |