Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-09-05
WIT AND, HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMoR.
Most heads difuse less light than pumpkin
shell with a tallow candle in it.
An audacious newspaper writer speaks of doc
tors as gentlemen Of the turf.
At the circus women Jump clean through hoops
In society they jump into them and stick there.
Swinging is said to be good exercise for the
nealth but many poor wretch has come to his
death by it.
Josh Billins says 81 was once axed if 1 be-
heved in the final starvation of men, and said
old but let me pick the men,
An Irish witness in a court of justice, being
asked what kind of 'ear marks the hog in ques-
ton had, replied, He had no particular ear
marks except very short tail.
''You are very handsome" said gentleman
to a lady. "Ah! " said the lady, ssyou would say
so if you did not think so." "And SO you would
think, answered he, s'though l should not say
so
''That man is thief" said q wag, pointing to
reporter in conrt of Justice
''Why so ?" inquired his friend.
"Why," cried he, lido you not see he is TAXI ng
notes! %
ried?
mo" replied the man.
Then, rejolned his worship, ami d peals Of
laughter, Sits good thing for your wife,
The essentials of watering place may be al
ternately summed up thus Sea, salt, sun, sand,
ships, shells, sailors, swimming. to which may
be added laundering big BILL and scandal enough
to last for nine months,
A John Bull conyersng with an Indian, asked
him If he knew that the sun never sets on the
Queens dominons. "No,' said the Indian
do you know the reason why ?" asked John.
because God is afraid to trust an Englishman
In the dark. was the dusky savage's reply.
Said a very high functionary to his scape grace
son ''LOok at me! Here am |, at the top of the
tree; and what is my reward Why, when I
de- my son is the greatest rasc al in England !''
10 which young hopeful made this answer: eyes,
dad ~hen you die; but not till then, you see ~
'Illusrated with cuts p said mischev-
GUS young urchin, as he drew his knife across
the leaves Of his grammer. ILLUSTRATED with
cuts !" repeated the school-master, as he
drew his rattan across the back of the mis-.
chieyous urchin.
An Irish glazier was putting pane of glass in
to a window, when groom, who was standing by
putty. The Irishman bore the banter for some
time, but at last silenced his tormentor by !:
''Arrah now. be off wild ye, or else Pll put pain
in ye head without any putty!'
The Fredericksburg Ledger has the following
paragraph:
At marriage here a few evenings since, when
the minister made personal application of that
awful question, s'Wil you take this man whom
you hold by your hand, sc. 90 the bride, with
graceful inclination of her head, midst profu-
sion Of bushes, calculated, 81 thank you, sir!"
NMy dear sir" said Drumsticks to young
married gentleman who had just been made faith
er to bouncing baby, 'smy dear sir, can you tell
me in what your present position varies from
that of the same individual only one year ago ~
''Can't say that can, Drumsticks." 81 viii tell
you zone year ago you were signing lover-now
you are loving sire"
WOULDN'T BITE.-A witty clergyman had been
occurring one evening in a country village, on the
subject of temperance, and as usual, after the
lecture, the pledge was passed around for sigma
lures.
Pass it along that way said the lecturer.
pointing to gang of bloated and red nosed loaf
ers near the door. Pass it along-perhaps
some of those gentlemen would like to join our
cause
We don't bite at a bare hook gruffly NUT
tered one of the rummies
well, replied the ready clergyman, Il believe
there is fish called suckers that do not bite'
The last joke at the expense of the French So
ciety for the Protection of Animals is to the fol-
lowing effect A countryman, armed with an
immense club, presents himself before the presi-
dent of the society and claims the first price
He is asked to describe the act of humanity ON
which he found his claim.
81 saved the life of wolf,' replies the coun-
81 ,yrhf o.c,t,
this bludgeon 5" and he swings his weapon in the
air. to the intense discomforture of the president
'sBut where was the wolf ?" inquiries the latter.
s'What had he done to yous'
''He had just devoured my wife" is the reply.
The president reflects an instant and then saws:
"My friend, am Of opinion that you have been
sufficiently rewarded.
Too MUCH MoTHER.-Artemus Ward gets off
the following good paragraph:
''Our ballad-writers put too much mother in
their melodies. Thus we have Dear Mother,
I've come home to die."-sMother, is the battle
O'er?"-ssMother, dear, O, pray for me, ''-seWrite
a letter to my mother" etc. The other night we
heard an athletic Ethiopian minstrel bleat,-
Mother kissed me in my dreams, just as though
she would do it until he washed the cork from
his face. mother is a good thing. Without
mothers in fact life would be unpleasant But
why sing the maternal parents merits so persis-
tently ana IN such shakey verses Why not va
ry the thing, and occasional produce father or
two. If we must continually sing about our pa
rents, let US by all means give the cold man
chance"
ONE WAY TO TELL.
traveller called lately at nightfall at farm
er's house in Alabama the owner being from
home and the mother and daughter being alone,
they refused to lodge the wayfarer.
''How far, then said he is it to a house where
preacher can get lodging ?"