The weekly union record. [volume] (Oroville, Calif.) 1864-1866, 1865-10-28
Artemus Wards Autobiography.

OiS. olCt.-DT. SiE Is. lulO WHICH
you ask me to send you sum leadin in
cidents in my life so you can write my
Bogfry for the papers, cum dooly to
hand. | have no doubt that a article
onto my life, grmmattycally jerked and
properly punktooated, would be addi-
tion to the chaois literatoor of the day.
To the yooth OF Ameriky it would be
vallyble as shown how high pinnykle
of fame q man can reach who commenst
his career with small canvas tent and
green OK, which he rubbed it of
while scratchin hisself agin the center
pole, causin in Railway, n. j., dis
eliminating mob to say humbugs would
not go down in them village. The OK
resoom'd agricultooral pursoots shortly
afterwards.
next tried my hand at givin Blind
man concerts, appearin as the poor
blind man myself. But the infamous
cuss who hired to lead me round towns
in the daytime to excite sympathy,
drank freely of a spiritoous Ticker un-
beknownst to me one day, & while un-
der the inhooance he led me into the
canal. had to either tear the green
bandige from my eyes or be drownded.
l tho't I'd restore my eyesight.
In writin about these things, Mr..
Editor, kinder smooth 'em over. Speak
of 'em as eccentricities of genus.
My next ventur would hev bin q
success if hadn't tried to do too much.
l got up a series Of wax 6ggers, and
among others one of Socrates. tho't
a wax fgger of old Sock would be pop
lar with eddycated people, but unfort-
nitely put Brown linen duster and a
U. S. Army regulation cap on him,
which people with classycal eddycations
said it was farce. This enterprise
was unfortnit in other respecks. At q
certin town | advertised a wax fgger
of the Hon'ble Amos Perkins, who was
Railroad President, great person in
them parts. But it appeared had
shown the same igger for Pirut
named Gibbs in that town the previs
season, which created a intense tocmult,
& the audience remarked "shame unto
me-" and other statements of the same
similarness. l tried to molify 'em. l
told them that any family possessin'
children might have my she tiger to
play with half day, & wouldn't charge
'em cent, but alars it was of no
avail.
l was forced to leave, and l infer
from an article in the ADVERTISER of
that town, in which the Editor says,
"Altho' time has silvered this mans
head with its frosts, he still brazenly
wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes
stuffed and wax werks unreliable. We
are glad that he has concluded to never
revisit our town, altho' incredible as it
may appear, the fellow reely did con-
template so doing last summer; when
still true to the craven instincts of his
black heart, he wrote the hireling
knaves of the obscure journal across the
street to know what they would charge
for 400 small bills, to be done on yellow
paper! We shall recur to this matter
again"
say, infer from this article that
prejudiss still exists agin me in that
town.
l will not speak of my once being in
straitened circumstances in sertin
town, and Of my endeayerin' to accoo-
mulate wealth by lettin myself to Sab
bath school pic-nics, to sing ballads
adapted to the understandings of little
children, accOmpanyin myself on cla-
rionett-which l forgot where l was
one day, singin instead of "Oh, how
pleasant to be little child"
Rip, snap-set 'en up again,
Right in the middle oi three-cent pie,
which mistake, added to the fact that
| couldn't play onto the clarinett, ex-
cert making it howl dismal, broke up
IL. n;e.n;e. and children said IL Yoices-