The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1865-09-16
VARIETY.

There is no safer protection against burglars than
to feed your baby before going TO bed with green
apples
Di.ine Justice steals upon us softly with woolen
feet, but strikes at last with iron LANDS.
y Chinese thief having stolen n missonary-s watch,
brought back to him the next day for instructions
how to wind it up
man being asked by young lady what pbono
graphy was, took up his pencil and the follow
ing, telling her that was photography - U. r A.
Il. u. L. l.. \ - (YOu are n beauty Ellen-)
When you man a moonlight night trying
20 convince his shadow that it is improper follow
gentleman, you mny be sure that Il Is high time for
him 10 join temperance society.
Keep your body sound wine savors Of the
cask kept in the soul receives tincure from the
frame through which it works. whole sermon is
herein contained.
fellow out West advertises on behalf of q certain
famous accidental railway that " experienced
and six practical jurors will follow each regu
lar train in special cars, together with few surgeons
and reporters
A little Swedish girl, while walking with her
father a starry night, absorbed III the ccntempa-
tiou of Skies being asked of what she think
ing, replied: '' thinking If the wrong side of
heaven i glorious what must the right side be "
My friend" said a seedy individual to n waggsh
acquaintance n ferry, '' wish you would lend me
two dollars cross the ferry; haven't got a dollar
in the world We'll, would like to know" was
the reply, "what difference il makes to q man who
HASN'T got dollar in the world. which side of the
river he's on ~
Men marry for fortune, and sometimes TO please
their fancy; but much Oitener than Is suspected,
they consider what the world will say OF it-how
such n in their friends eyes will look at the
head Of table. Hence many insipii beau
ties made wives OF, that could not have struck the
particular fancy of any man that had any fancy at
all. These call /" furniture wives" as men buy
furniture, pictures. because they suit this that
niche in their dining parOrs-
Artenus Ward. the great moral exhibitiOner, be-
gins one OF his programmes as follows; Inc
music on the grand piano will comprise selections
from Don Sebastian;' Mary little Lamb,
with mint yariatOns;) Dearest whenst thou
sIumberest dcstest dreamest of me Dearest
Mother I've come Home to Die 10y requests and the
entirely new Opera of Faust "
cat caught n sparrow and was about to devour
IL, bat the sparrow SAID
- No gentleman eats rl he washes his face
The cat struck with this remark, the sparrow
down. aud began To wash her face with her paw. but
the sparrow rew away; this vexed puss extremely,
and she said
As long az / live, will first aud wash my
face afterwards all cats DO 10 this day
EEfN REToRr Rather keen and suggestive
repartee made the other evening by little
fellow IN .ittsird, Mass, barber-shop. gentle
OF standing, aud an owner in one Of the
factories IN, and impatient At being delayed
while tEo boys had their hair cut, remarked that
Little boys ought have their hair the day
time, and e. 10 bed III the evening = Yes re-
piled one Of the juyenes =" but little boys who have
get up 1--WE o'clock and work IN the mill till
seven night, must get their hair cut when they
can
y sailor. the other day. while explaining the third
figure Of a qusirle to his mate, thus described
Il: You srst heIve ahead. and pass your adversa
ry's yard arm, regain your berth on the other tack
in the same order, take your station with your part
IN line. back and Sill and then fEll your heel
and briug up with yCIr partner, she then mGueuyeTS
ahead, OF aIGugsiie of you; then make sail in
pany with her uut nearly a~tern Of the ether line.
make stern board her of to shift for herself.
regain your place the best way and let go your
anchor
\ DARKET's IDEA OF WONAS--Dey may rail
against Nimrin as dey ike, dey can't set up
against dem I hab always IN my life found dem
fust in lub-fust in quaTrel-fust in de dance-de
tust in de Ice sIIOOn-and de fust, best, and
de last Iu de sick What would we poor deb
bIes do wdout dem Let be born little,
ugly. and a. helpless you please, and womans
open to receib us. She IL am who gbs
cur fust dose Of lie, and puts close
helpless naked limbs, and cubbers up foots and
tOses III long EaHuel petticOats. and IL she who,
grow up, fills dinner baskets with apples
We starts to ElOol and licks US when We
trousers
Tue TENDER PAssIos.-Thackeray says that ''when
Is in love with woman in a family, 1t is
astonishing how fond he becomes Of every cue con-
nected with IT. lie ingratiates himself with the
maiis he bland with the butler; he interests him
self wIth the fOOtman; he errands for the
daughters; he gives and lends money o the Young
son 1t college; he pats little dogs which he would
kick OJherw=e he smiles at old stories, which would
make him break out IN yawns II uttered by any
but papa; he drinks sweet Port vine, for which he
would curse the steward and the whole ornmittee
ciubi he bears with the cantankerOus old
maiden aunt he beats time when darling little Fanny
performs her piece ON the piano; and smiles when
wicked. lively ttIe Bybty upseis the coffee his
shirt'