Bedford inquirer. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1857-1884, 1865-04-28
3nmors of the 5lall.

WHY do pioneers go before the army2 To
axe the way.
LIGHT infantry movements--Agitating
cradle with baby in it,
WAYTED-some of the beer produced when
mischief is brewing"
Why is a tight shoe like fine summer p
Because it makes the corn grow.
WITH this year, the British Parliament has
been in existence six hundred years.
WHAT is the best tar for making the wheels
of life run smoothly The altar.
A SUSPICIOUS man would search q pincush :
ion for treason, and see daggers in a needle
case.
PRovonNG--to dream you have lots Of m on
ey, and then wake up and 6nd yourself an
editor.
A DOWN east editor declares that mc,desty
is quality that highly adorns woman bat
ruins man.
Why are books the best friends ?-Because
when they bore you, you can always shut them
up without offence
IT is Walter Savage Lander, who says -
Little men in lofty places throw long shad-
ows, because our sun is setting
LOVE, justice and fortune are said to have
no eyes, but all three make us mortsls open
our eyes pretty wide sometimes.
GEORGE, how does your new horse an
swer ~ regret to say that / cannot in
form you, for I never asked him ques-
ton.
ADVICE to Captains in the army-In form
ing your companies on the banks of deep
and rapid river, be careful how you order men
to fall in"
HENRY ", having bestowed the Gordon
bLe,t on gentleman at the solicitation of the
Due de Neyers, when the collar was put on
the gentleman made the customary speech
''Sire, am not worthy" ~ know it wen, y
said the king.
$50 TO GRASS 20 said mother to her
daughter. "Well, then, / suppose I'll have
to marry" CALCULATED the fair damsel. '!Why
so?,' exclaimed theastonished mother. "Be-
cause all men are grass" The old lady sur
vived.
'JoHs, said doting parent to her german
dizing son, do you really think you can eat
the whole of the pudding with impunity ?a--
4 don't know, MAJ replied young hopeful
but guess l can with spoon
The Baptist Chronicle says: Sat an ex
animation of girls for the rite of confirmation
in the Episcopal Church, in answer to the
question, ''What is the outward and visible
sigg and a@asSg1as fern in baptism 2. the reply Of
husband may open wife's letters, Oh .la !,
ground SO often and so tersely stated by IN -
Theopilus Parsons, of Cambridge, that 9Th,
husband and wife are one, and the HUSBAND
is that one"
AT large dinner party in certain city
lately, the frosty weather had done consider
able duty in supplying conversation, when q
plump, happy looking married lady made !
remark about cold feet "Surely," said /
lady opposite, "Mrs. -, you are not tro'ab
led with cold feet?'' Amidst an awful ps.ust
she naively answered, eyes, indeed, I an
very much troubled-but then they are not
my own
How TO SWEAT PATIENT.-A young gen
tleman was undergoing an examination at the
College of Surgeons, when the questions put
were of a very searching character. After
answering number OF queries, he was asked
what he would prescribe to throw patient
into profuse perspiration. Why exclaim'
ed the youthful Galen, 4 would send him here
to be examined and if that did not give him
a sweatI do not know what would
We returned home on Thursday, says ar
editor, after trip of six hundred miles, in
about three and a-half days, having, in that
time passed over four States, nine railroads,
four oxen and barouehe. Any person who
has done more in that time, viii please for
ward his address, and the small balance he
owes us.
Fancy DRINKs.-A greatmany people think
that the peculiar fancy names which were in
vogue for drinks few years since were par
ticularly our inventions. But long before the
days of Whiskey skins, Stone-fences and Eye
openers there were just such names for the
drinks of the middle ages. In the old work
DE Generibus Mbrisoaum ct Ebrietste Vitan-
da, published in 1915, we find the following
among others: s:-Cows-tail, Calves-neck, Slip
slop, Slam-in-t the ashes, Knock-'em-down,
Growing cock, Wildcats, Red-head, Raise
head, Swell nose and Gnat's mustard. These
may not be as enticing as some of our own
bar keeping inventions, but they are highly
original
CoSUNDRuMs.-Wha is the longest, and
yet the shortest thing in the world the swif-
test and the most slow the most divisible and
the most extended the least valued and the
most regretted /; without which nothing can
be done; which devours everything, however
small, and yet gives life and spirit to all things
however great? Answer-Time.
Why is playing chess more exemplary oc-
cupation than playing cards Because you
play atehess with two bishops, and at cards
with four knaves.
When does severe cold resemble bril-
liant idea? When it comes into ones head
suddenly.
| If person is learning many, languages,
what should he end with? The Finnish, of
course.
Why is petroleum dealer ike an epicure2
Because he lives on the fat of the land.
WHY are some fortunes ike ships Be-