Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1865-11-09
Lotion vs.. Balsam; or the Quack
Doctor.

OOCkOr.
There are probably many people now liV-
ing who remember the celebrated Quack
Doctor, Reuben Nathans, who fourished
some forty years since, and whose medii-
cines "the Chinese Balsam of Life" and
the ecelebrated Hair Invigorating Lotion, "
made so much noise at that time. When
the s.Doetor's medicines were first an
noupced to the world, simple: minded Ia
boring man purchased one bottle of the Lo'
ton aud another of the Balsam FOR his wife,
who had a consumptive cough, Of many
years standing, and was beside threatened
with the total loss of her hair. The woman
used both remedies according to directions,
and as is usual with ignorant people in such
cases, thought they we're really doing her a
vast deal good. The cough seemed to her to
BEGGING away rapidly, she "breathed freer,
while her hair appeared to be coming back
again thicker than ever. As natural con-
sequence, she felt very great confidence in
the medicines; and when her first lot OF
Baisam was all used she sent her husband
to get the bottles filed again. The Doctor
asked the man how the medicines operated.
"Oh, grandly," replied the husband,
"my wifs's cough cen Almost gone, and
her hairs all coming back again, as fiery as
ever" -.
"Ah," said the Doctor, "that's toe way
n,y medicines always work. There's nc
mistake, about them. They're just what
call them, sthe greatest wonders Of the age.
1 s'pose you have no objection to give me
your afidavit7" -
"Oh, no." replied the man "thaps just
what my wife wants me to do" -
The couple then repaired to the Mayors
Office, where an affidavit was drawn up,
sworn to, and witnessed, On returning to
the Doctors shop, the quack took up the
empty bottle for the purpose Of re6lling it.
Uncorking it, he put it to his nose and
smelled of it.
"Why, what can this mean Z" be- ex'
claimed, in some astonishment and then,
after looking at the label, smelled of it
again. "Why, sir, this isn't. balsam, though
the label says SO, but the sHair Lotion :"
"Hair Lotion or not" replied the man,
pointing to the bottle, "that's. what cured
my wife's dreadful cough, and the stuff in
the bottle at home is what made her hair
grow again !"
"Strange strange I" repeated the Doc.
tor with a. puzzled countenance; 81 don't
know what to make of it. Will you be
kind enough, sir just to step back and get
me the other bottle-the Hair Lotion, l
mean" .
The man did so, and soon returned With
the Lotion bottle. The Doctor took it and
applied his nose to the mouth.
"And this" said he, sis just as sure the
Balsam as the other is the Lotion. Don't
you think there was some mistake on your
part, sir2 Are you sure that what was in
this bottle made your wife's hair grown a.
gain ?"
"Just as sartin as Pm alive" replied the
man; ..for always turned it out while
Betsy held the spoon =
The Doctor sat down in chair, and,
laying fuger on bis nose seemed buried
in profound thought. r
"Ah! I see p be at length exclaimed,
and jumping up he filed the empty bottle
again. "Tbsre, sir" said he, giving it to
the man, and hurrying him to the door ;
"all's right, sir; I was little bothered,
that's all. Call again when that is gone, and
you shall have another for nothing"
As SOON as he had shut the door on his
customer, the Doctor called in his "conh-
Dental. man from the labratory.
"Moshes," said he, "we have made a
great mistake in our guess work after ALL
I've been studying YER hard lately, and
have just discovered that our Lotion is the
stuff to cure the coughs and consumptions,
and the BaIsam is the best to make the hair
growl We must change the labels" "
"That's unlucky,", replied the man, "for
we've got four thousand bottles, two thous-
and Of each kind, all ready to send away
tomorrow.
aVel, vel," said the Doctor, "you can
change the labels if you have time; if not,
send them off as they are. 'Tisn't much
H6s> In Henry the Seventies time they