Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1865-09-28
Artemus Wards Autobiography

NEW YORK, NEAR FIFTH AvENoo HOTEL

cum uOOly 10 Hauu. HAY no uOuDC Inab q
article onto my life, grammattycally jerked
and properly punktooated, would be addi-
ton to the chaois literatoor OF the day.
To the yooth of Ameriky 1t would be val
lyable as shown how high % pinnykle of
fame man can reach who commenst his
career with small canvas tent and pea
green OK which he rubbed it off while
scratchn hisself agin the centre pole, causin
in Railway, n j., a discriminating mob to
say humbugs would not go down in them vii
lage. The OK resoomd agricultural pur-
scots shortly afterwards.
| next tried my hand at giving blindman
concerts, appearing as the poor blind man
myself. But the infamous cuss who hired
to lead me round towns in the day time to
excite sympathy drank freely of spirituous
ticker unbeknowns to me one day, and while
under them infooances, he led me into the
canal [ had to either tear the green ban
didge from my eyes or be drownded | tho't
I'd restore my cyesight.
In writing about these things, Mr.. Editor,
kinder smooth 'em over. Speak of 'em as
eccentrlssities of genius.
My next ventur would hav bin success if
| hadn't tried to do too much got up a
series of wax fggers, and among others one
of Socrates. | tho't a wax figger of Old
Sock would be poplar with dedicated peple,
but Untortnitly | put brown linen buster
and U. S. army regulation cap on him,
which people with classyeal obligations said
it was a farce. This enterprise was unfort-
nit in other respecks.
AT a certain town | advertised wax fig
ger of the Hon BILE Amos Perkins, who was
Railroad President, and great person in
them parts. But it appeared [ had shown
the same fgger for a Pirut named Gibbs in
that town the previs season, which created a
intense toomult, & the audience remarked
.'shame onto me,' & other statements of the
same similarness. / tried to mollify EN- |
told them that any family possesin children
hight have my she tiger to play with half a
day, & | wouldn't charge 'em a cent, but
alars! it was Of no avail. was forced to
leave, and infer from article in the Aduer-
tiser of that town in which the Editor says,
E'Altho, time has silvered this mans he'd
with its frosts, he still brazonly wallows in
infamy. Still are his snakes stuffed, and his
wax works unreliable. We are glad that he
has concluded to never revisit our town altho',
incredible as it may appear, the fellow REILLY
did contemplate so doing last summer; when,
still true to the craven instincts of his black
heart, he wrote the hireling knaves of the
obscure Journal across the street to know
what they would charge for 400 small bills,
to be done on yellow. paper! We shall recur
to this matter again"
| say, | infer from this article that a pre-
judish still exists agin me in that town.
l will not speak of my once being in
straltened circumstances in u sertin town
and of my endayorin to accumulate welth
by lettin myself to Sabbath school picnics
to sing ballads adapted to the understandings
of little children accompanying myself on a
claironett-which | forgot where was one
day, singing, instead Of ''Oh, how pleasant
to be little child:'
rip snap-set 'em up again,
Right in the middle of three cent pie?'
which mistake, added to the fact that |
couldn't play onto the claironet except max
ing it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, and
the children said, in voices choked with sobs
and emotions, where was their home and
where was their Pa? and said be quiet,
dear children, | am your Pa, which made u
young woman with two twins by her side say
very angrily, Good heavens forbid that you
should ever be the Pa Of any of these limo
cent ones, unless it is much desirable for
them to expire igminyusly up on to the muir
derers gallusl !"
/ say / will not speak of this Let it be
Berrid in OBLIVION
IN your article, Mr. Editor, please tell 'em
what sort of a man | am.
If you see fit to kriticise my Show speak
your mind freely. do not object to kriti-
icism. Tell the public, in a candid and
graceful article, that my Show abounds in
moral and startlin curiosities, any one of
whom is with bubble the price of admission.
| have thus far spoke Of myself excloo-
sively as exhibitor.
| was born in the State Of Maine Of par
ents. As a infant | attracted a good deal of
attention. The nabers would stand over my
cradle for hours and say, How bright that
little face looks: How much it nose!' The
young ladies would carry me round in their
arms, saying / was ntuzzer's bezzy darlin
and sweety 'eety title ting 1t was nice,
tho | wasn't old enuff to properly appreciate
it. I'm helthy old darlin' now.
| have alters sustained good moral
character. | nevel. was a railroad director
in my life.
Altho' III early life did not inva'bly CON
fine myself to truth in my small bills, | hav
bin gradooally growing respectabler and re-
spectabler ev'ry year. ! luv my children,
and never mistake another mans wife for
my own. Pm not member Of any meetin
house, but firmly b'leeve in meetin houses,
and shouldn't feel safe to take dose Of
laudnum and lay down in tn, street of vii
lage that hadn't any, with q thousand dollars
in my vest pocket.
My temperament is bilious, altho' | don't
owe dollar in the World.
| am early riser, my wife is Presbyter-
ion. ! may add that | am also baldheaded.
keep two cows.
| liv in Baldinsvill, Indiany. My next
door nabor is Old Steve Billins. I'll tell
you little story abot Old Steve that will
make you lalf He Jined the church last
spring, and the minister sed, You must
go home now, Brother Billins, and erect
a family alter in your own house." where
upon the ingrejis old ass went home and
built reglar pulpit in his settin room
He had the jiners in his house over four days.
am So (56) years Of age. Time with its
relentless scythe, is ever busy. The Old
Sexton gathers them in-he gathers them
in / keep pig this year.
| don't think Of anything more, Mr..
Edter.
If you should Civ my portrait in connection
with my Bogfry, please have me Engraved
in a languishir. attisood, leaning on a marble
pillar, leayin nay back hair as it is now.
Trooly yours, ARTEMUs WARD.
"A YOUNG colored man Of ability and
good character, Richard e. Greener Of Bos-
-. r.