Dayton daily empire. [volume] (Dayton [Ohio]) 1850-1865, 1865-04-21
ggMlg Gmpirt,
Organizing Sanitary COmnlIs-
sion SOCietles-RepOrI Of an
"AuthOrIzed Agent,

"AuthOrIzed Agent"
The following admirable and quizzieal dis.
patch Is addressed to the Secretary Of the
Unyed States Sanitary Commission, a branch
of which Is located at San Franoisco. We
extract FROM the News Letter and Mining
journal Of that city. For direct and eating
sarcasm, It will commend itself to the lovers
Of the ridiculous:
DEAR SlR;--ln compliance with your sug.
gestion, | report that, as the authorized agent
OF the Sanitary Commission, after getting put
up to thing or two by you, started from
San francisco, carrying neither purse or
script in fact without n red cent ia my
pocket. organized society at Watsenvile
there is very good hotel there | had q
good bed, breakfast, dinner and supper, fifteen
drinks and eight cigars. | followed your in
structions The landlord told me what
owed; | told him TO lay up his treasures 10
Heaven, and that was a Sanitary Commis
sion agent. lie said he wished he'd known
II before. | told him about treasures in
Heaven again he said, " here is fifteen
dollars gone to HI II Mistaken man. Per.
haps it will do him more good there than in
Heaven, He never call Tor it there. i left
him. laHi glad Il is raining. tat itl@ill make
matters so much better for the Sanitary Com.
mission.
After bleeding WatsonviIe as much as it
would stand, | went to Pascadero, celebrated
for its potatoes, which are called squads" in
this section of the country They are a kind
generous, hospltabe people, and,a a natural
consequence, loyal told my landlord here
tbpl baH In B 1t i - l..
these circumstances, he could not think of
charging me any thing He wished to know
how much we charged for putting down a
mans name aud place of business, with
subscription of $500 against it, and offered
me SO. lrejected his proposition with seorn;
took the five dollars. Fancy turning the
Sanitary Commission into cheap advertis-
iLg medium | organized a society in Santa
Cruz, but couldR reet any cash ont Of the
people | trust trade will soon increase here,
for the sake OF the Sanitary Commission.
then went to Squeakville, a Aourishng
little town with uinety.fve inhabitants. i
organized Soldiers Aid Society, here. The
landlord of the hotel killed rooster which
he'd had in gAe family eight years. sih honor
OF my coming. | ate part of it; | would do
any thing to advance the Sanitary Commits.
sion. The landlords tleldaughter haxen
haired little cherub of nine summers, gave
me "bit' for the poor soldiers | had to
spend the dear child's humble offering at the
bar OF Copperhead rum-seller in q neigh
boring town, who, when / mentioned the
Sanitary Commission, after laving my parch-
ed lips with a whisky straight cried THE
Sanitary Commission, be d--dl If you don't
plank down bit for that drink, the first
thing Son Know yod'll get your jaW IL a
sling" The mercenary man
then went to Monterey, which is much
injured By the drouth this rain will do the
Sanitary Commission much good. did not
make much here. I got deadheaded, as. you
told me should, on all the stages, very ca
silly, with one exception This driver, on my
telling him that | was the agent of the Sani-
tary Commission, said ~ just wish could
get made an agent, too, and you'd catch me
driving this stage oh, yes, muchlyl A
pretty good thing you fellers have got and
sight Of what you, collect will go to the sol
diers" We know, dear o. c., that they won't
get IA sight He continued "Why, that San
itary Commission is bigger thing for you
fellows as work it, than Jenny Lind was to
Barnnm, or than beinga superintendent of
popular mining company, and you ask to be
let off your fare "Tll see you all"
won't repeat what he said, my dear 0. c.,
suffice it to say that it was something very.
irreverent, and, | sincerely trust, will doom
the rnllian to everlasting torments llbat
After be had, in rather strong terms, ex-
pressed his opinion that the Sanitary Com
mission was speculation gotten up for the
benefit of a few, asked him TO let me feel
his back, Upon doing so told him it was
covered with harnaeles, and that he was
fossil, and belonged 10 the antediluvian age.
He retored, angriy, that he didn twant TO be
called French names; and ! left him, as he
would, probably, if had net done so, perform
ed an operation which he described as bust
ing me in the suoot have Travelled on my
shape and Sanitary Commission over six hun
dred and thirty miles, and though have pot
made tueh pile as YOU expsdtsdG shodld, /
have organized good many Societies
have not made money All of which is most
respectfully submitted by your obedieut ser.
want, NEDRY I.IGHTFIEeERs VILIAMs.