Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-11-09
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

anxious to recover them, and offers a handsome
reward for their restoration. nautical gentleman
of her acquaintance assures her that they could
not have been properly lashed or they would not
have been lost
HAPPINESS consists in thinking you are
happy and misery in thinking you miserable
SIR Isaac NEwToN's nephew was clergy
man. When he had performed the marriage cere-
mony for q couple, he always refused the fee say
ing, $50 your ways, poor wretches, have done
you mischief enough already" Was he or was he
not subject for lunatic asylum
A YOUNG prince of the illustrous house
of Monaco, was asked why he had married a rich
old woman. Ma fol, was the gay young princes
reply, ''what poor man in hurry to get enor-
nous bank note cashed, troubles himself to look
at the date?"
An editor in a neighboring city is charg-
ed with grossly misrepresenting the condition of
its streets. One would think that editor had
better do anything else than lie about the streets.
LANDsEER defined photography to be '.jus-
tice without mercy"
SOME men, when they are perplexed in ar
gunent get out just poor debtors get out of jail
they swear out.
MMToN was asked How is it that in
some countries King is allowed to take his place
on the throne at fourteen years ofage but may not
marry until he is eighteen? g Because" said the
poet, sit is easier to govern a kingdom than a
man"
The Southerners have found the "ast
dltch.' 1t is situated in ante-room of the White
House, where applications for pardon consid-
cred.
Why are young ladies at the breaking up
of party like arrows because they can't 90 off
without beau and are in quIyer till they get
\ MAN with scoIding wife, being asked
what his occupation was replied that he kept hot
house.
A Young lady, on being asked if she in
tended wearing that iinger-rng to church. said she
didn't intend wearing anything else. If she kept
her word, she must have had cold time of it.
The chap who was told that the best cure
for pal ptation of the heart was to quit hugging
and kissing the girls, sad IF that is the only
medy which can be proposed, l. for one say letter
palpitats."
AN exchange speaks of a chap with feet
large, that when 1t rlins he wants to get into
the shade, he lies down on his back and holds up
one foot. If fully answers the purpose of all um-
brela.
4 LoAFER who had been fined several
weeks in succession for getting drunk, proposed
cooy to the magistrate that he should take him by
the year at :. reduced rate.
A LADY speaking of the gathering of law
yers to dedicate a new court house. said, she sup
posed they had gone ''to view the ground where
they must shortly lie.
A THIEF broke out of Jail the other day
Being re-captured he told the constable that he
might have escaped but e had conscientious scru-
pies about travelling on Sunday.
Coon REASON FOR MoyING-An honest HI
bernian drawing handcart containing all his val
uables, was accosted with Well, Patrick, YOU
are moving again. | see!' - Faith l am" he re-
piled, 'tor the times hard, it's dale cheap
er hiring hand carts than paying rents!"
"l'll take your part, ,"as the dog said when
he stole the cats dinner
\ YOUNG lady objected to a negro's car
rying her across mud hole, because she thought
herself to heavy ''sLor's missus," said Sambo i'm
ploringly, .. Use carried whole barrels of sugar"
\ CLERGYMAN, at the examination of the
young scholars of his Sunday school, put the fol-
lowing question ''Why did the children of Israel
set up golden calf" Because they had not mon
ey enough to set up an OK, was the pupils reply.
THE lash that man does not object to hav-
ing laid on his shoulders-the eyelash of q pretty
woman.
THAT was smart youngster who, on hear
exclaimed, Then why don't you buy me drum
SOME young ladies Insisted on naming a
gentlemans kitten Julia-it was so pretty He
gallantly replied that he should be most happy to
crafty them. but it was not that kind of eat.
''SAM, are you one of the Southern chiv-
-lry ?" ''No, massa, Is one oh de Southern sho7-
ehy, shoveled dirt at the Dutch Gap Canal
AM impatient boy, waiting for grist,
saII tha 1l,- II Al.
the mill grinds it." How long could you do so?"
inquired the miller. It'll l starved to death"
was the sarcastic reply.
AN Ohio politician was boasting in a
public speech, that he cou br ng an argument to
pint as quick any other man. You canbring
a quart to pint good deal quicker, repl ed a
Kentucky editor.
WESTERN paper says "A COW was
struck by lightning and instantly killed. belong
ing to the village physician, who had beauti ul
calf four days old
" TIM, does your mother ever whip You 2"
No; but she does precious sight worse. though"
. What's that?' why, she washes my face every
morning"
Para, why don't you give thetelegraph
dose of gin?" why, my child 2? Cause the
papers say that they are out of order, mamma
always takes gin when she is put of order"
y FENNf loE your tnpuSnIS, ,Hhddail, sdlu
gentleman to pert beauty. They are not
worth farthing, sir, she replied; Il was think
ing of you
"JoHN, did Mrs. Green get the medicine
ordered?" 81 guess So" replied John, "I saw
Grape on the door the next morning."
WRITER in Blackwood says "When
people want to speak of native of Holland they
call him an Amsterdam Dutchman, but when they
speak OF the German race generally, they leave
out the Amster."
WHEN Caesar was advised by his friends
to be cautious of the security of his person,
and not walk among the people without arms or
any one to defend him. he always, replied to the
admontions, 'He that lives in fear of death, every
moment feels its tortures. Will die but once
WAGER OF BATTLE This method of de-
termining the guilt or innocence of an &C
cused person was recognized by the COM
mon law of England for many centuries