The weekly Ottumwa courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1857-1872, 1865-09-07
Artemus Ward on the Celeb rational
Baldinsville in Honor of the Allan
lFrom the New York Saturday Press.1
..s Baldinsville, Injiannv,
Sep the onct 19,S5S

Baldinsville, Injiannv. }
Sep the onct, 1888.
l was summuned home from Cinsinnat-
ty quite sudden by letter from the Super.
viz"rs of Baldinsville, sayin as how CRATE
things was on the Tappis in that air town
! in refferunse to selebratin the compleshun
' of the Sub-Mershine Telegraph, & akin
me to be Pressunt. Lockin up my Kan
garoo and wax wurlks in seizure stile, /
took my departer for Baldinsville-"my
own, my nativ lam" which got intwo at
early kandle litin on the fOllerin mite. d
Just as the sellerhrashun and illuminashun
were cOmmensin. f.' ID. ...." .. a.'.
Baldinsville was troolv in n blaze of
glory. Mere can forget the sublime spec-
ticul which met my case as I allied from
the Staige with my umbreler and verlise.
The Tavern was lit up with taller HANDLES
all over Il CRATE bon fire was burnin i'm
frunt thereof. A Transparency was tied
4nnto the sine Dost with tho f,llerir, yv,lr,ss
,-"Giv us Liberty or Deth." Old Tomp-
kinsis groserv was illuminated with tin.
/ lantuns and the follerin Transpirancy was
/ in the winder--"The Sub -Merchine Telle-
graph & Baldnsville and Stonefield Plank
Road-the2 CRATE eventz of the 10Th CEN
tary-may intestine strife never mar their
Igrandjure." Smpkinsis sho shop was all
ablase with HANDLES and lantuns. A Amer
lean Eagle was painted onto flag in the
winder--also these wurds. viz--''The Con-
stitooshun must be Preserved" The Skool
house was lifted up in CRATE stile and the
winders filled with notices, amung which
/ notice. the follerin-'Trooth smashed to
erth shall rize eagain-YoU CAN'T sToPHER.'
1.-The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whence
awl but him had Fled.' .Prokrastina-
shun is the thief of time" BE virtoous
you will be happy" "Intemperunse
has cawsed a heap of trubble-shun the
Bole," and the foIlerin sentiment, written
bv the skoolmaster, who graduated at
Hudson Kolli2e: "Baldinsville sends greet !
in to her Majesty the Queen, & hopes all |
hard tcelins which has heretofore previs |
bin .elt between the Supervisors of Bal
dinSvitle and the British Parliament, if I
such there has been, may now be forever
wiped frum our Escutchuns. Baldinsyille
this mite reioises over the gerlorious event
which sementz 2 CRATE nashuns onto one
ny HlSHfiS DI Al blekIflc wire un0er 7
the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep
QUosque tdnt''una, q butter, Cuterliny, pat
ent nostr3t2Rt' Squire Smiths house was
lifted up regardless of expense. His little
sun William Henry stood upon the roof
irin OFF crackers. The old Squire hisself
was dressed up in soiier clothes and stood
on his doorstep, pintin his sword sollnmlv
to American flag which was suspended
on top OF a pole in front of his house.
Frequently he would take OFF his cooked
hat IL wave it round in impressive stile.
His oldest darter Miss Isabeller Smith.
who has just cum home from the Perkins
vile Female Instertoot appeared in the
iroflI Wlhder IN The west room as the god
their windin way" Booteous, sed / to
myself, YOU air angil e nothin shorter.
y. Bonaparte Smith, the Squire's Oldest
sun, drest himself up rs Venus the God
Of Wars and red the Declaration of Inde-
pendunse from the left chamber wnder.-
The Squire's wife didn't iine in the festiv-
critics. She said il was the tarnulest nom
sense she ever seed. Sez sheto the Squire,
Cum into the house and go to bed. you
i
round half dsd with the rumertism aud
won't gin us a minit's pease till you get
we'll" Sez the Squire. BETSY, YOU little
the importance Of the event
which we this mite commemorate" Seq
she, commemorate a cats tail--cum into
the house this instant, you pesky old crit
ter" Betsy" sez the Squire, wavin his
sword. "retire." This made her jist as
mad as she could stick. She retired, but
cum out agin putty quick with a painful
of blin hot water, which she throwed all
over the Squire, & Surs, you would have
split your sides larfin, 10 see the old man
Jump up and holler and run into the house.
Excep this unpropishus circumstance, all
went as merry as a carriage bell, as Lord
Byrun sez. Doctor Hutchnsis offiss was
likewise lifted up, and Transparency on
which was pante the Queen in the act of
drinkin sum Of "Hutchinss Invigorator;"
was stuck into one of the winders. The
Baldinsyille Bugle OF Liberty noospaper
offiss was also illumernated, and the fol-
lerin notices stuck out-"The Press is the
Arkermeiian leaver which moves the
world" "Vote early" "Buckle on your
Armer.' Now is the time to subscribe"
Franklin, Morse& Field" Terms 81 so
n year-liberal reducshuns to klubs." In
short the village of Baldinsville was in a
perfect fewroar. / never seed so many
people thar before in my born days. lie
not attempt to describe the scenes of that
CRATE mite. Wurds wood fale me eff should
try to do it. l shall stop here few Pc
riods and enjoy my "Oatem cum dig the
tates,' as our school master observes, in
the buzzum of my famerly, e. shall then
resume the show bisinis, which Two bin
into twenty-five (22) yeres and six (6)
munths. ..... ... +
s.... Cholera.
DIR. John Chapman, in the London Med