davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Daily Davenport Democrat. [volume] (Davenport, Iowa) 1864-1874, 1865-01-12

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Daily Davenport Democrat. [volume] (Davenport, Iowa) 1864-1874, 1865-01-12

UlANILY GROCER KEEPS CONSTANTLY
20 on hand the best quality Of Provisions,
Hollow Ware, Kerosene Oil, etc.
Second street, between Brady and Perry, d.
export. myl4-d1y
Daily Davenport Democrat. [volume] (Davenport, Iowa) 1864-1874, 1865-01-12

[Arthritis Neuralgia, Govt Lumbago.-
Sciatica. Tic Doulourcux.
II there IS any disease in which the Constitu-
ton Life Syrup 10 . sovereign, il is in Rheuma.
tinm and it, Kindred affections. The most in
tsnse pains are almost instantly alleviated-
nous swellings are reduced. Cases, chronic Or
vicarious, Of 20 or 80 years standing, have been
cured BY US.
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

ened little to'ards me. ''After all. ("
he sed, "you hav sum peple at.the Mort,
who air not wholly loathsum beasts ="
"WelI, yes" / sed. "we had now and
then man among US who isn't cold
bluded scoundril." "Young man." l
mildly but gravely sed "this crooil war
is over, and you're ict Its hther me-
cessary for sOmbody TO lick IN a good
square, lively fite, and in this ere case
it happens to be the United States of
America. You fit splendid, but it was
too many for you. Then make the best
of it, & let US give in and putthe Repub-
lie on frmer basis nor ever.
81 don't gloat over your misfOrtins,
my young fren." Fur from it. I'm a
old man now, & my hart is softer nor it
once was. You see my spectacles is
misten'd with suthin' like tears. I'm
thinkin' of the scar of good rich Blood
that has been split on both sides in this
dreadful war Pm thinkin' of our wld-
ders and orfund North, and of your'n in
the South. 1 kin cry both for both.
B'leeve me, my young freh', l kin place
my old hands tenderly on the fair youn g
he'd of the ViTginny maid, whose lover
was laid low in the battle dust by fed
raj bullet, and say as ferVenllY and as
piously as vener'ble sinner like me
kin say anythin', God be good to you, my
poor dear, my poor dearp'
l riz UP to go, & takin' my young
Southern fren' kindly by the hand, l
sed, "Young man, adoo You Southern
fellers is probably my brothers, tho you
have occasionally had Oussed queer way
of showin' it It's over now. Let US
all jine in and max kuntry on this con-
tinent that shall Civ all Europe the
cramp in the stummuck ev'ry time they
look at US Adoo adoo ~
And as l am through, I'll likewise say
adoo to you, jentle reader, merely re.
markin' that the Star Spangled Banner
is wavin' round loose agin, and that
there don't seem to be anything the mat
ter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond
site cold.
ARTEMUS WARD.
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
NO. 40.

An exchange publishes the. following
a lphabetical record Of the rebellion.
A-Stands for AndersOuville-the ghast-
ly monumet Of the most revolving out
rage of the century.
B-Stand for 8OoIh-let his memory be
swallowed up in oblivion.
C-Sands for Canada-the asylum Of
skedaddlers, and the nest in which
foul traitors have hatched their eggs
Of trea on.
D-St ands for Davis-the most eminent
low comedian, in she female character,
of the age.
Islands for England-an enemy "a
our adversity;a a sycOPhant in our prOs-
perity-Music by the band, air,
Yankee Doodle.
F-Stands for Freedom-Ihe bulwaFk
Of the nation.
G-Stands for Grant-the undertaken
who officiated at the burial of the re-
bellion.
H-Stands for Hardee-his tactics couldn't
save him.
Islands for Infamy-the sPlrit Of urea
son.
Islands for Justice-givo it to the
traitors.
X Stands for Kearsarge-for further
particulars see Mrs. Winslow's Soolh-
ing Syrup.
Islands for Llpcoln-we mourn his
loss.
M-Stands for Mason-(moFe music by
the band; air, "There, came to the
beach poor exile, &C., &c.)
N-stands for NOwhere-the present
location of The C. S. A.
.O-Stands for 80, dear, what can the
matter be7" For answer to this ques-
ton, apply to Kirby Smith.
P-Stands for Peace-nobly won by the
gallant soldiers of the Unin.I
Q Stands for Quantrell-One Of the
gOrillas in the rebel menage rie. brT
R-Stands. for Rebellion-which is no
longer able to stand for itself.
Stands for Sherman-he has friend
and vindicator IN Grant.
Islands for Treason-with a halter
round its neck.
u Stands for Union-"Now and foreg-
eF, one and inseparable."
V-Stands for VictOry-further expIana-
ton Is unnecessary.
W-Stands for Washingtop-the Nation
is true to his memory.
X-Stapds for Xtraditiop-English pa
pers please copy.
Y-6tands for Young American-who
stands by the Union.
q Stands for Zodaic-lhe stars are all
tkere.
Music by the band
"The Star-Spangled Banner, long may is wave,
O'er the land Of the free, and the hCm9 Of tho
brave')
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
Artemus Ward in Richmond.
R1cHMOND, Va, May IS & 65.
oLoNZo WARD.

oLoNzo WARD.
Afore | comments this letter from the
late rebil capitol desire to cimply say
that / hav seen a low ann skurrilus noat
in the papers from certain purson who
singes himself OlonzO Ward, & sez be
is my berruther. | did once have ber-
ruther of that name, but | do not recog-
nize him now. To me he is wus than
ded! / took him from college sum l6
years ago and gave him a good situation
as the Bearded Woman in my show
How did he repay me for this kiudnessl
He basely undertook Gone day while in a
Backynalian mood on rum & right in
sight of the auiienCe in the tent)tO stand
upon his head, whereby he betrayed his
sex on account of his boots and his Beard
fallin' off his face thus rooiqin' my pros
pecks in that town, and likewise incur
rim the displeasure of the Press, which
sed boldly was trifin' with the feelin's
of intelligent public. | know no such
man as OIonzo Ward. / do not ever
wish his name breathed in my presents.
l do not recognise him. Iperfectly dis
gusts him.
The old man finds himself once more
in a sunny climb. l cum here few
days after the city cater pilIertplated.
My nabprs seemed surprised and as
tOnisht al this DARN bravery onto the
part of man at my time of life, but our
family was never knOw'd to quale in
dangers stormy hour.
My father was sutler in the Revo-
looiion War. My father once had in
tervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette.
He asked La Fayette to send him five
dollars. prOmisin' to pay him in the fall
but LAZY said he couldn't see it in those
lamps" LAZY was French, and hi:
knowledge of our laqgwidge was little
shaky.
lmmelutly on my rival here | pro
ceeded to the Spotswood House, and
calm to my assistance a young mar
from opr town who writes a good run
nm hand, | put my ortograph on thu
register, and handln' my umbrella 10 ,
baldheaded man behind the counter, VIII,
s'poseed was Mr.. Spotswood, / said
"Spotsy, how does she rpn?'
He called q cullud person, and said
"Show the gen'lman to the cow-yard
and give i'm cart number l."
Isn't Grant here 7' / said. "Per
haPs Ulyssis wOuldn', mind my turnir
in with him."
do you know how The Gin'ral !'' il
quired Mr. Spotswood;
avail, no, not 'zactIy; but he'll re
member me. His brotheT-in-law's uur
bought her rye meal Of my uncle lie
all one winter, My uncle Lewis rv
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

$50 to thy native mountains-thy
sheep shall grow fine yarn Nv menny
Colors,"
(Another week goes BY
"Again here" said Abou. Attest
thow not satisfied! What woodest thou
now?"
entity profit" all things is ez easy
ez tn rnin Jack frum the bottom, 2 thee
My sheep grow yarn. Is it askin too
much to hev them grow cloth. Then
wood my labor be lightened-I shoOd
hev but to cut it and sew it in2 gar
menc."
"Be it so, but bother me no more. l
am Cheerman NV the Execootive Com
nifty Nv my ward, and the elecks hun is
but 8 weeks of. Go and be satisfied
Cloth it is"
ca week passes by, like dream.)
mighty Abou,"
"How now-thy imp ortunity displeas-
es me. 1 hev times grantid thy de-
sires. Wat wantest thou now 90
"Mighty Abou, trooly at thy biddin
my mereenos, which 1 importid from Yer
mont, hev yeeldid rolls and yarn and
cloth. Why, oh profit. Coodent theyjest
ez well grow Clothing Reddy made, with
a Amerrikin watch in the fop, and a.
pocket book filled with gFeen-bax and
a plus Nv Cavendlsh tobacker in the
trousis pokkit. Grant me but this and
Away Ongrateful, and let me see thy
face no more. granted thy abserd
wishes to show that Nacher did jest all
for US that we needad-that the balance
we must work out ourselves, and that
had she dun more we wood still heV LIN
dissatisfied. At fusti it wuz rolls, then
yarn, then cloth, and now 700 want close
reedy-made. Go back-yer sheep grows
common wool again. SpOsin had given
yoo all 700 askt-wat, OBJ miserable wood
VOC hev he'd 2 do? Yoo wood become
lazy, filthy and rotten. YOo wood loaf
around groceries, mix in9-pollytix, and
become a noosanee toe yourself and
friends. Laber is Heavens law. Mach
er gives US the raw material, and 2 keep
US busy she requires US TO work it in2
shape. NaCher gives US korn-it is dooty
max it in2 whisky and sich other pro-
dux ez 90 sustane life. Without laber
life is cuss-with it we are happy. A
bizzy man hasent time , refict upon wat
a mizzable cuss he is-whieh refexion
in men NV high minds wood Iced to
sOoiside. Go thy ways. Be virchus and
yool be happy"
Morel.-Employment Nv wun kind er
another is necessity. For my part
keep myself bizzy in eetten livin orr
Nv other peoples labor, and in these
degenerate days it's jest all kin do.
Morel Number 2.-The more we git
the more we want. Wich is new
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

At lively village in Illinois, not far
from. Woodstock, they have benevol-
ent associatiOn,one Of whose objects is to
watch with and take care Of its members.
Last fall an unmarried young lady was
admitted to membership. In couple of
months she was blessed with a bright
eyed babe, and was very sick. Some of
the lady members expressed to the chief
officer of the association their Indignation,
and asked him if he really thought it
their duty to visit the unfortunate one.
"Well," said he, after much de!iberation,
Il suppose not. You are not obliged to
watch where there is a contagious dis
ease ~
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
ARTEMUS WARD.
TIE DISKONTENTED PEAZANT.
BY PETROLEUM v. Massey.

Wunst upon a time, long afore the
fud, when man wuz in his highly origi-
nal and prime evil stait, (Which menes
that he wuz wickeder than he hez ever
been sence) Nv sin, and wiekidnis, Abou
Ben Hadem fourisht in Abissinny, wiCh
is a stait summers, down east.
AbOu Ben Hadem wuz a profit, He
had bin in the profit biznis fer sum 2
hundred yeers, and wuz currently re-
ported and ginerally believed that he
Good beet emmy profit in them eastern
counties, with wun hand tied behind him.
Wuhst on time, jest after he had
partaken Nv his froogle breakfast Nv
porter-hewse steak, stuff with Camden
and Amboy oysters, and wuz a musin
onto the mutability Nv Rhine wine and
a meershaum, wun Nv the pezentry Nv
that country approacht.
cart thou Abou Ben Haaem?" inter-
rogatld the stranger.
II am he," replied AbOu, "what
wouldst thou with me :"
behold in2 me, wun who is dissatis-
fed with his lOt," replied the intelligent
yomanry.
"AlI men are so, my son." retortid
Abou. 81 kin see sich in emmy grocery.
Life is made up Nv dissatilfactions. Wun
wants riches, another fame, sum chase
wun deesin shadder, sum another, but
alars all er doomed 2 disappointment.
Let rs invest in Harlem sbx and double
our munny-we repine thai we dident
buy Oil sheares and treble it. But what
wouldst thou!''
mighty Ben Hadem, my name is
Norval--on the Gramp ian hills my faith
er fed his fox, of froOgal swane, and
when the old gentleman pgged out he
willed em all 2 me. / sheer them sheep
and wash the wool and card it and spin
it, and weaV it and make it into gar
memo. Why Abou, Good not NRcher
hev made my sheep TO grow rolls ilNtid
Nv wool, and save me the uubole."
MY jenile friend" replied Abou, ''gc
thy way. Hentl4th thy sheep shell grow
rolls instid Nv wool.
A week er sich matter is sposed
hev elapst.
The sturdy yomanry returned.
"Watnow," sed Abou, "was not tbS
desire gratifed 70
Yes Tuchly," replid tie high minded
cOnstitooent, 1.-The sheep grew rolls anC
good rolls too. But grest Abou, why
coodent Nacher, while she was about it
hev mad the sheep grow yarn instid III
rolls. y
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

We all remember the story Of the inn
keeper who became proud as he prosper
ed, and taking down his sign of the ASS,
put up portrait Of George Nv. in its
place. His neighbOr Immediately raised
the >esst-of efigy, and "in this sign he
conquered" The first landlord, alarmed
at the increasing popularity Of his rival,
and understanding the cause, wrote un-
der the grim visage Of his Majesty, "This
is the real ASS
But a more ludiocrous Of the kind is
just now told at the expense Of the good
Bishop LlandaG lie took up his abOds
near the head Of Lake Windermere,
where the principal inn had been known
as the Cock but the landlord, by way
of compliment to his distinguished neigh
Dor, substituted the Bishop as the new
sign. An inn-keeper close by, who had
frequently enVIed mine host Of the Cock,
for his good fortune in secureing a con-
siderable preponderence Of visitors, took
advantage of the change, and attracted
many travellers to his house by putting
up the sign of the Cock. The landlord
with the new sign was much discounted
at seeing many of his old customers de-
posted at his rivals establishment Sc,
by way Of remedy, he put up in large,
red letters, under the portrait Of the Bish-
op, This is the old Cock .
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
poetrY,


NO!
dis was heart 50 true and strong,
So wise, in all but human wrong,
So ct fer woman's trust,
That when she spoke the fatal ssNo,"
1t smOte him with a weight of.wOe
That crushed him 70 the dust.
The why we never knew, still less
Could hazard presumptive guess,
So reticent is pain;
We only knew she could no take
The hand be offered by mistake,
Or offered but in vain
And al men noted from that day
lie moved as in blinded way,
Helpless, without plan;
Ah, what Miraculous change of state
One single syllable can create
Within the heart of mpn.
And she lived evermore apart,
Nor gave to any man her heart,
Until the day she died.
When, to the friends arouud her bed,
She breathed his name and smiled and said
"Bury me by his side"
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22


We haven't heard Of a richer thing
than was lately perpetrated upon book
store clerk, Everybody has heard jokes
perperated upon the odd names which it
is the fashion to bestow upon books now
a-days, but, we venture to say, nothing
richer than this incident. A weil-known
wag stepped into a bookstore in town,
and inquired, "Have you "The Woman
in White 2" ayes" replied the clerk.
'All Alone go asked the searcher after
literature. "Yes," responded the clerk.
''In the Dark 2" still queried the ques-
toner. "Yes, sill" again promptly ans
wered the attendant. "Well, all have
got to say is,'' retorted the wag, ''you
have mighty nice thing. of it! Good
evening %
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
The National Debt.

The entire debt of the United States
is officially reported, under date Of May
3lst, at little over twenty-six hundred
and thirty-five millions of dollars, which
is near five hundred mi lions more than
was estimated in the last report of the
Treasury Department. The exact figures
are as follows :a1.z
81 los, 1882 interest payable in gold.
1853 ,476. .371 interest payable currency
Az, ,S29, ,270 treas'y not's not bag ms
766, 6,270 past due ,and int's ceased
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
S47,27S,I47


If we add to this amount the interest
on the debt, and allow seventy-fiye mil
lions for army and navy expenses, we
shall have total requirement of three
hundred and two millions. We may,
therefore, either reduce our taxes one
third or have an excess of near one humid
red millions to apply in liquidation of the
debt. Sound policy dictates that we shall
reduce the scale of taxation and keep it
low until need to the productive powers
of the country are fully restored to actiV-
ity, rather than to push Immediately upon
liquidation. We shall then have the
whole country from which to reap income,
instead of the half as now, and the reduc-
ed scale, spread over double the surface,
will not need to be enlarged.
This is certainly a very satisfactory
exhibition. We announce it as a fact
capable of demonstration, that our taxa
ton might this day be reduced third,
or, if the five hundred millions of treas
ury notes be not funded, to fully One.half
Of the resent rates, and the gradual ex-
tinction Of the debt go on successfully.
If cur allowance for the army and navy
appears small, we have on the other hand
made none for increased revenue from
imports, on which we may probably de-
pend for twenty-five millions more than
is officially set down. The treasury
estimate Of but one million of receipts
from the sale Of public lands was made
under the depression of war. Now this
is relieved and peace is established, with
an active tide of emigration, we may ex.
pect them to assume something like the
old proportions of eight millions a year,
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
MUSTERED OUT.
BY GEORGE W. BUHGAY.

BY GEORGE W. BUNGAY.
Hail to the hero mustered out,
Let the black-throatcd cannon shout,
And fling to the wind the stars.
Rejoice % ye jubiant bells,
The heart Of the patriot swells,
And tears overflow from their wells,
When we see the soldiers sears.
We ewelcomed him home from the field,
Untarnshed his saber and shield,
Untainted hi laurel crown.
Champion of the brave and free,
o what spirit and dash had he;
God grant that we never may see
A cloud on his grand renown.
o now let us muster him in,
Where the rank 5 of the true begin,
To fight for themselves again:
While he has been striking the blow
At the Rebels, another foe
Hath laid many brave man low,
Who passed through the leaden rain.
Post.
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

The Mexican emigration movement has
been in Hudson county,N.Y., for some
time past, and parties prominent in the
movement state that over 700 names have
already been enrolled.
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
$2,635,2O5,753

The annual interest in coin and cur
rency tOgetherIs over one hundred and
twenty, four millions, which is an incon-
siderable fraction less than six per cent,
on the interest-paying portion. We are
now able for the first time to assign a
proximate limit to the debt, and to esti-
mate very closely its yearly burden on
the country. When all the expenses of
the war are settled the m ass will doubt
less be near three thousand millions of
dollars. The policy Of the Government
will be to convert the Treasury notes in.
to bonds with as little delay as possible.
AT six per cent, which is the present
average rate, our annual interest will be
one hundred and eight millions of dol
lars.
The estimated receipts for The year
ending June 80, 1866, are three hundred
and ninety-six millions as follows
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

A youngster on coming home from his
first term at boarding school, and On
being asked what he hs.11 ssep fed ea.f6r
pied, Multiplication 'hashea,
stewed subslraction." md
JEFF Davis might have de-
ne preferred to live ealr sa'le Bat
game pr'a'iee s0aay
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

Secretary McCulloch is restoring the
machinery for the collection Of customs
in the Southern States. The President
has already made appointment of cOllec-
tors at Savannah, Charleston, Mobile and
Pensacola
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

The average pay due each soldie. is
two hundred and fifty dollars. and The
Government is ready 10 pay and discharge
every man Of The Two armies here
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22


Dan Marble was once srolling along
the whprves in Boston, when he met a
tall, gaunt-fgure, digger from CAL
ifonia, and got into conversation with
him.
"Healthy climate, l supposed"
"Healt hy?" it aint anything else. Why
stranger, the re you can choose any eli.
mate you like, hot or cold, and that with
out travelling more than fifteen minutes.
Just think of that the next cold morning
when you get out of bed. There's a
mountain there, with valley on each
side of it, the one hot, and the other cold .
Well, get on the top of the mountain
with double barrelled gun. and you can,
without moving, kill either summer Or
winter game, just as you will 2"
"What, have you ever tried it? ?''
Tried it j.! often; and should have
done pretty we'll, but for one thing"
II wanted dog that would stand both
climates. The last deg l had froze of
his tail while pintin' on the summer side.
He didn't get entirely out of the winter
side, you see-trew as yop lives" Mar
BILE shoped.
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

The firm Of Gladstone & Co. went ''up"
in England for about , million of dollars.
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
S396,OOO.OOO

The treasury estimates of expenses
for the same year, exclusive of war and
navy purposes, is:
For the civil service $50, ,0S2, ,097
For persons and Indians 14,196,050
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22
RATES OF ADVERTISING.

vance.
Yearly advertisements quarterly In advance.
All kinds Of Job, Book and Card printing done ~
the best style on shortnotice and reasonaoie sef5
Nebraska advertiser. [volume] (Brownville, Nemaha County, N.T. [Neb.]) 1856-1882, 1865-06-22

$50 to thy native mountains-thy
sheep shall grow fine yarn Nv menny
colors,"