Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-11-02
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.

An editor in Maine is in u bad fix. He
dunncd Il subscriber for his subscription which he
refused to pay, and threatened to fog him if he
stopped the paper!
"ToMY, my son, run to the store and get
pound of sugar, that's dear little fellow" ''Ex-
cuse me, ma | somewhat indisposed this
morning. Send the old man and tell him to bring
me plug of tobacco
"ARE you the mate ?" said man to the
Irish cook of a vessel lying III port. No said
he, ''but I'm the man rs boils the mate.
IT doesn't follow that, because we have
taken perous step, ought to retrace it. She
wasn't wise old women who crossed a bridge, and
on being told that it was labeled dangerous, "
turned and recrossed it in all haste.
"MA, has aunty got bees in her mouth ?'
''No, why do you ask ~ % Cause, Captain Jones
caught hold of her, and said he was going to take
honey from her lips, and she said, Well make
haste. '"
SOMEBODY has found ont a new way of
taking pictures, by which they can be taken better
i'll the night than i'll the day time. A photograph
has missed several from the frames that hang by
his door and dosnt approve Of the plan.
4 MAN courting a young woman was in
terrogated by her father to his occupation. 4
am Il paper-h hanger upon large scale he replied.
He married the girl and turned out to be Il bill
sticker.
Poor FEILow.-An acquaintance who has
been eating and drinking any how for many years
is reduced to such a state that the coats Of his
stomach are all out at the elbows
Why is cutting off an elephants head
widely different from cutting off any other head
Because when You separate the head from the
body you don't take it from the trunk.
H.
every thing before him-The waiter.
"TM, does your mother ever whip you :?
mo; but she does Il precious sight worse though
8 What's that why, she washes my face every
morning.
AWFUL The following startling threat
was made use of the other day by an excited pugil
| list ~ II twist you round your neck, and
ram you down your own throat, until there Is moth
ing left of you but the extreme ends of your shirt
| collar sticking out OF your eyes His opponent
| left.
Do PROFESSORS of logic usually give lee.
lures ON their own premises?
QUITE RIGHT A sentimental young lady
having asked gentleman why he did not secure
some fond ones company across the ocean Of life
| replied that he wOuld do so, we've he certain that
said ocean would be Pdcifc
DoNT board at house where they give
you only cold victuals. It isn't thought healthy
to be upon cooling board.
A NEGRO preacher once observed to bis
hearers at the close of his sermon follows ''ATy
obstinacous bredren, find itno more use to preacl
to you dan it is for a grasshopper to wear knee
buckles.
AS WE two are one" said a witty brute
to his wife, 'when beat you, l beat half of my
self" ''Weu, said the wife, then beat your owl
half not mine"
Why are suicides the most successful
people in the world because they always accom-
| phsh their O31n etdS.
DoN'r be a miner if you can be any thing
else There will be time enough to stay under
ground after you are dead.
AT a trial recently the jury returned tn,
following verdict Guilty, with some little doub
as to whether he is the man.
IT has been decided lately that a boz
found on a mans doorstep may not necessarily b
his step-sOn
WHY is the punishment Of the birch prac
ticcd by some pedagogues because they are c
opinion that it makes duh boys smart.
FROM what tree was mother Eve prompt
ed to pick the apple ?-Devil-tree.
ABERNErHY the celebrated English phv
sician, once said to rich but dirty patient, VIII
consulted him about eruption, LET your sci
wants bring to you three or four pals of water an
put into wash tub, take off your clothes, get int
it. and rub yourself with soap and a rough towel
and you'll recover" ''This advice seems YER
much like telling me to wash myself. 'Wel, !
may be open to such construction, said Abernethy
"GooD blood will always show itself" a
the old lady said, when she was struck by the red
ness of her nose.
WHY is the leader of an orchestra at tn
opera the most wonderful man of the age BE
cause he beats Time.
ANNA, to her beau --"Frederick, wha
city is that you're going to visit this fall ?" FREQ
IF you have no objection, I'm going to Have
: Anna"