Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1865-10-13
Artenus Wards AutobiOgraphy....b,
@ uimsclH. ...aa .oa

Artsnns Wards Autobiography ....by
himself. e os.'
New YoRK, NEAR FIFTH AvENoo
HOTEL, Org. 31ct.-Dr. Sir.--Yrs into
which you ask me to send you sum
leadin incidents in my life, so you can
write my Bogfry for the papers cum
dOoly to hand. have no doubt that a
article onto my life, grammattycally
jerked and properly punctooated, would
the day. ..gs.f
To the yooth Of Ameriky ii would be
yallyb BILE as showing how high a pinny-
kle Of fame man can reach who COM
menst his career with q small canvass
tent and pea green OK, which he rub
bed it off while scratchin hisself agin
the center pole, causin in Railway N.
j., q discriminating mob TO say hum
bugs would not 20 down In them village.
The OK resoomed agricultooral pursoots
shortly afterwards. a ~
Inext tried my hand at givin Blind
man concerts, appearing. as the poor
blind-man myself. But the infamous
cuss who l hired to lead me round town
in the day time to excite sympathy,
drank freely of q spiritoous licker, un-
i
der them inflooance he led me into the
canal. had to either tear the green
bandjge from my eyes, or be drownded.
l tho't I'd restore my eyesight. ...ss.
In writin about these things Mr.. Ed
| tier, kiner smooth 'em over. Speak OF
'em as eccentrissities of genius.
Ny next venture would hav bin suc-
cess if hadn't tried to do too much. l
got up q series of wax iiggers, among
others one of Socrates. l tho't wax
figger of Old Sock would be poplar with
eddycated peple, but unfortunately 1
put Brown linen duster, and q u. s.
Army regulation cap OH him, which pc
pie with casssycM obligations said it
was farce. The enterprise was unfor-
tunate in other respecks. .. Ply.
figger of the Hon'blc Amos Perkins,
who was u Railroad President, and q
great persons in them parts. But il APP
peared l had shown the same figure for
o Pirut named Gibbs in that town the
previs season, which created intense
toomult, g. and the audience remark ed
"shame onto me" & other statements
Of the same similarness. l tried to mol
ify 'em. 1 told them that any family
possessin children might have my she
tiger to play with half day, & l
wouldn't charge 'em a cent, but alars
it was of no avail. was forced to
leave, and infer from an article in the
advertiser of that town, in which the
Editor says: Altho' time has silvered
this mans head with its frosts, he still
stuffed, and his wax works unreliable.
ave are glad that he has concluded
never to revisit our town, although, in
lcredible as 1t may appear, tho fellow
; really did contemplate so doing last
summer; when, still true to the craven
instincts of his black heart, he wrote
the hireling knaves Of the obscure jour
nal across the Street to know what they
would charge for 400 small bills, to b,
done on yellow paper! We shall recul
to this matter again."
say, infer from this article that .
prejudiss still exists agin me in that
town.
| I will speak of my once being in
straitened circumstances in sertin
town, and of my endeaverin' to acc,l-
mulate wealth by lettin myself to Sab.
bath school picnics to sing ballads adj
apted to the understandings of little chill
dren, accompanyin myself on u c,ario-
nett--which I forgot where / was one
day, singin instead of "Oh, how pleas
ant to be little child,n
Rip snaps en- mp again.
Right IN the middle Of q three-cent pie.
which mistake. added to the fact that /
couldn't play onto the clarionett except
making 1t howl dismal, broke up the
picnic, and children said, its voices
choked with s0bs and emotions, where
was their home and where was their
Pa? and 1 said to be quiet dear children
| I am your Pa, which made young wo-
man with two twins by her side say
very angrily, "Good heaven forbid you
should ever be the i'a Of any Of these
innocent ones unless it Ia mucn desira-
BILE for them to expire igmonyusly onto
a murdorer's gallus!" 81
say will not speak of this. Let II
be Berried into oblivion. ls ..a-s 5# .s.
In your article, MIR. Editor, please tell
'em what sort of man am. i-...
/ If you see fit to kriticisc my Show
speak your mind freely. do not OBJ
ject to kriticism. Tell the public i'm a
candid and graceful article, that my
Show abounds in moral and startlin GU
riOsities, any one of whom is wuth
bubble the price of admission. t.
have thus far spoke of myself ex-
cloosively rs AN exhibeter.
was borne in the State OF Maine Of
parents. As a infant attracted great
deal of attention. The nabors would
stand over my cradle for hours and say,
How bright that little face Ioolss.--
| How much 1t nose! The young ladies
would carry ME round in their arms,
sayin' l was n1uzzers bezzy darlin' and
sweety 'eety title ting It was. nice,
tho wasn't old enuff to properly ap-
preciate it. I'm q heltby old darlin'
now.
have alters sustained good moral
character. was never . railroad Gi-
rector in my life.
.Altho' in early life did not inva'bly
confinc myself 10 truth in my small
bills, i have been gradooally CROWN re-
spectabler and respectabler ev'ry year.
luv my children, and never mistake
another mans wife for my own. I'm
not member Of any meetin house, but
firmly b'lieve in meetin' houses, and
shouldn't feel safe TO take dose of laud-
mum and lay down III the street ofa VIII
dollars in my vest pocket.
NV temperament is bilious, altho' I
don't owe q dollar in the world.
am an carly riser; my wife is a Pres
bytcrian. ] may add that l am also
| baldhcaded. keep two cows.
liv in Baldinsville, Indiany. My
next door nnb0r Is Old Steve Billins.-
/ will tell you q little story about Old
Steve that will make you iarf lie jined
the church last Spring, and the minis
ter said, You must 60 home now
Brother Bi1lins, and erect a family altar
In your own house, whereupon the
egrejis old ass went home and built q
reg lar pulpit in his settin room. He.
had the jiners In bis house for over four
daEs. - ~ 1900 # ~
I am 58 (58) years of age. Time, with
its relentless soythc, Is very busy. The
Old Sexton gathers them In gathers
them inl ! keep q pig this year.
! don't think Of anything more Mis-
ter Ed'ter. -
II you should Civ my portrait in con-
nection with my B0gfry, please hey me
ingraved In . languishin attitood, lean-i
Ing on . marble pillar, leaving my back
hair AZ 1t IL now.