Brownlow's Knoxville Whig, and rebel ventilator. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1863-1866, 1865-11-15
ON the Christian Times and Witness.
Concerning Church Mice,

Poor us O church mouse" Who has not heard
this somewhat rare animal adduced as the very uc
plus ultra Of abject poverty? You may say Jobt
turkey-at best an apochryphal birds equally
striking example Of neshly attenuation, but stand
up for the unrivalled supremacy of the church
mouse as a symbol Of poverty, over all competitors
whatsoever, whether they be fish, flesh, or fowl
But, reader, did you ever see bona tide church
moUse2 If you have / warrant he was just as fat
with as smooth and glossy skin, with as sparkling
eye, and with many coquettish little ways, as
ever you saw mouse in pantry or in wheat-feld.
The fact of the matter is, the emaciated condition
Of the church is egregious popular fallacy
/ Do you suppose that there is a mouse in America
! that has not more mouse sense than to look 10 a
church for support There is q class of human beings
called ministers who cherish such preposerous antc-
ipations but there are no such insane mice as that
The mouse may find a snug corner in 2 church
where he makes nest and rears his family but he
invariably finds his living, and a good one too,
somewhere outside the church. But because the
mouse lives in the church we straghtwsy Jump to
the conclusion that he must necessarily be as poor
as-well say as poor as the pastor.
There are in every church certain individuals who
are in reality in good condition the real church
mouse, but who always declare themselves to be an
exact counterpart of the ideal animal Such men
call church mice In reality the fattest of the fat
they declare themselves TO be the Ieanest Of the lean
They belong TO the church. Their home is there
But they do not look TO the church for support
They are not sustained from the poor fund They
find the richest and most unctuous nibbling upon
some farm dry goods store. Their eyes and CLOS
sy skins stick ont with fatness. But when they are
called upon for money to support the church, it is
astonishing what power of contraction their we'll
filed hides develop. At such time their piteous
squeaks of losses innumerable of expenses un bear
able, and of poverty most terrible, would lead one
to think that every bone in their emaciatcd bodies
sticking through their furlcss skin. The man
who was SO poor that when salt was two cents
barrel could not buy enough to pickle humming-
bird was a millionaire TO them.
Your church mouse is eminently conservative
He goes in for no reform if it costs money. Does
the Westinghouse leak? He advocates the policy
Of the Arkansas squatter; when it rains the roof
can't be mended, and when it don't rain there is no
need Of it. Is it proposed to raise the pastors saa
ry2 He says Ec thought ministers preached for
souls, affecting not to see the point, when a sly
brother tells the old story of the preacher who said
that he couldn't eat souls and if he could it would
take ten thousand such souls for meal" Does the
agent for Foreign Missions make glowing appeal
in behalf Of the selfs8crlcing missionary and the
perishIng heather? Your church mouse buttons his
breeches pocket and says that he believes in be-
ginning at Jerusalem" Does the College Presi-
dent relate the struggle and the starving the patch
ing and the toiling Of penniless students for the
ministry ne tells the cxpectant official hatit would
he a positive injury to help such a plucky young
man; 1t would destroy his selfdependence, sc.
A brother once told me that he walked two miles
in the snow and mud to solicit aid for most wor-
thy object from deacon worth at least one hundred
thousand dollars. After a conference of half day
he obtained the munifccnt subscription Of three
dollars. But the end was not yet. Six months af-
terwards, when the brother went TO collect the sum,
the deacon cOolly informed him that he had Just
lost fine calf and under the circumstances he
really could not afford TO pay that subscription.
once preached TO q church composed exclusively Of
mice. Ny salary was one hundred and fifty dollars
per annum, one :hird of which was generally paid
in diseased eggs and animated cheese On one Oc-
casiod It was proposed TO raise money to buy sing
ing books for the Sabbath school. The brethren
were unanimous in the opinion that ought to head
the subscription list. l did So putting down the
small sum of one dollar which was all | could af-
ford at that time. Deacon A, who owned farm of
three hundred acres, well improved and all paid for,
followed with a subscription Of twenty-five cents,
which the largest amount afterwards subscribed
These are not exaggerations, but sober facts.
Our churches, especially in the country, are full
of church mice. Great, fat fellows thev are, yet
they act as if they were poor that their shadows
have TO lean against stone wall for support. They
are the men who 90 in for preaching oDc't a
month, by old Elder Bushwhacker, who "thanks
the Lord, ah! that he never rubbed his back agn
college, ali!
Isuppcse that everybody has heard of the Meth
odist brother who blessed the Lord, at lOve-feast
that he had belonged to the Methodist church twen-
y y-ANe geIs ana II Lau never CosI uIn twenty -ANc
cants. And may the Lord have mercy on your
poor, little, stingy soul' ferventy calculated the
Presiding Elder. And we have churches with Just
such mice for deacons and trustees. Such churches
are often most clamorous for aid from the General
Association, or Home Mission Society. For one, /
hope that these bodies will never give any assistance
to a church harboring such pestiferous vermin.-
Let every church them the boys do the field
mice; take the old she by the napC Of the neck,
with all the little ones that adhere to the maternal
founts and toss them into the creek To the church
mouse 1 have but a word to say: Do try to be
man and not a mouse
GLADIUs.