The Cleveland leader. [volume] (Cleveland [Ohio]) 1865-1865, 1865-09-14
LEADER
ArLemus Rard,s Autobiography. BY
HfmaeIf


4 NFw YoRK, NEAR FIFTH .AyEBo
- HOTEL Org. 3Tct;@Dr. Siz-Yrs-int
which you ask me to send you sum ieadi
eA. incidents in my life go you can write M
= Bogfry for the pspers, cum dooly to hand
IA I have no doubt that an article onto m
~ life grsmmattycally jerked and properly
punctooated, would be q addition to thI
T. chois literatoor of the day.
~ To the yooth of AEeriky it would b
p. vsllyable as shown how high q pinnykl,
h Of fame d man can reach who comments
- his career with q small CANVAS tent and :
Q. pea green OK, which he rubbed it off while
70 seratcbin hisself sgin the center pole
causln In Railway N. J., a Discriminating
10 mob TO cay humbDgs would not go down in
rs them village. The ox Iesoom'd agricul-
toorsl pursoots shortly afterwards.
ss 1next tried my hand at givin Blind.mAn
concerts, appearing Is the poor Blind-man
= myself. But the infamous cuss who l hired
to lead me around towns in the day time
to excite sympathy, drank freely of a
spiritoous Ticker unbeknownt TO me one day
d while under them influence he led me
into the canal i had 10 either tear the
green bsndsge from mY eyes or be drownd-
ed. thO't I'd restore my eyesight.
n In writin about these things, Mr.. Editer,
; kinder smooth EN- over. Speak of 'em as
eecentrissities of genus.
. Ny next ventur would hav bin q success if
Z I hadn't tried to do too much. I got up q
series of wal fggers, and among others one
of Socrates. / thot q wax fgger of old
d Sock would be popular with eddycsted
: people, but unfortunately l put q Brown
linen buster and q United States reguIs-
ton cap on him, which people with classy
cal obligations said it Wss 3 farce. This
/ enterprise was unfortinit in other respecks.
At q certain time 1 advertised q wsx fqger
Of Hon. Amos Perkins, who was a Railroad
President n q great person in them
parts But 1t appeared I had ehown the
same hgger tor a Pirut nsmed Gibbs in
that town the preVis season, which created
8 intense toomult, n the audience re-
marked shame onto me" and other state.
ments of the same similarness. / tried TO
mOllify EN-. l told them that any family |
possessin childr' might hav my she tiger
to play with half day, & L wouldn't tax
'sm q cent, but Alsrs 1t was of no avail. 1
was forced to leave, and I inter from an
article in the Advertiser of that town that
the Editer says:
"Altho' time has silvered the head of
this man with its frosts, he still b~razsnly
wallows in infsmy. Still are his snakes
stuffed, and his 8 works unreliable. We
are glad that he has calculated never to re.
visit our town, altho,' Incredible as it may
appear, the fellow really did contemplate
so doing last summer, when, still true to
the craven instincts of his black heart he
wrote the hireling knsves across the street
to know what they would charge for 400
small bills, to be done on yellow paper
We shall recur to this matter 4sgain."
l say, l infer from this article that q
prejudiss still exists agin me in that town..
l will not speak of my once being in
Strengthened circumstances In q sertin town,
and of my endeaverin' to accumulate
wealth by lettin myself to Sabbath school
picnics to sing ballads adapted to the un.
derstsndins OF little children, accompanyin
myself on q clarionett-which I forgot
where ! was one day, singin instead of
"Oh, how pleasant 70 be q little child"
Rip snsp-set 'em up again,
Right in the middle of q thres-cent pie.
which mistake, added to the fact that I
couldn't play onto the clarIonett except
making it howl dismal, broke up the picnic,
and children said, its voices choked with
sobs and emotions, where was their home
and where was their Pal and I said be
quiet dear children, 1 am your Pa, which !
made q young woman with two twins by
her side, say very angrily, "Good heaven 6
forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of :,
these innocent ones unless it is much de-
for them to expire ~igmonyasly on !
to s murderer's gsllusl"
l say l will not speak of this. Let it be :
Berried into Oblivion.
In your article, Mr.. Editor, please tell j.
what sort of q man 1 am.
If you see fit to kriticise my Show sneak ,
your mind freely. 1 do net object to kriti- :
Tell the public in q candid and :
article that my show abounds in =
moral and stsrtlin curiosiIiee, sDy of whom I
8 with double the price of admission. !
I havs thus far spoke or myself excIUOs- -
vely IS 8 exhibitor.
1 was born in the State of Maine of par
Ints. As q infant I attracted . great deal i
# attention. The nabers would stand over =
cradle Tor hours and say, "How bright =
little face looks How much it nose |"
The young ladies would carry me round in L
heir arms, ssyin / was q muzzer's bezzy
larlin and q sweety 'eety title ting. II was =
lice, tho l wasn't old eDuff 70 properly |
appreciate it. I'm q helthy old dsrlin now. =
I have alters sustained q good moral
l was never q railroad director Y
u my life.
Aitho' in esrly life I did not invaribly
,onfne myself to truth in my small bills, 1
lav bin gradooally grown respectabler
md respectabler ev'ry year. l luv my
and never mistake another mans =
wife for my own. I'm not q member of /
my meetin house, but firmly blieve in
neetin houses, and shouldn't feel safe to =
AXE q dose of lsudsnum snd lay down in 4
he street of q village that hadn't any, with \
thousand dollars in my vest pocket.
Ny temperament is bilious, altho, l :
1on't owe q dollar in the world. {
l am an early riser; my wife is q Pres '
1 may add that I am also bald
I keep two COWS.
I liv in BaldinsViIle, 1ndisny. Ny next d
nsbor is Old Steve Billins. I'll tell Q
you q little story about Old Steve that will :
make you lHrf. He jined the church last i
spring, ana the minister said, "You must =
90 home now, brother Billins, and erect q :
family altar in your own house,, where =
upon the egrejis old ass went home and :
built q regular pulpit in his settin room. g,
He had the jiners In his house over four 1
days. '
/ am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with
its relentless scythe, is ever busy. The old
Sexton gathers them I'M gathers them inl !
I keep q pig this year. ,
1 don't think of anything more Mister :
Ed'ter.
If you should Civ my portrait in con- 4!
nection with my Bogfry, please hsv me in
graved in a l&nguishin' %attitood, leaning on
a marble pillar, leavin my back hair as it
is now. ARTEMUs WARD.
A few years since Tom Marshall was de-
~livering an address before 3 large audience
in Buffalo, when some one in the hall every
few moments shouted "Louderl louder !"
Tom stood this for q while, but at last turn
ing grsvely to the presiding officer, he said:
"Mr. Chairman, at the last day, when the
angel shall with his golden trumpet pro-
claim that time shall be no more, l doubt
not, sir, hist there will be in hat vast crowd
IS now, some drunken fool from Buffalo,
shouting "LouderI louder" The house
rosred, Tom went on with his speech, but
there were no more cries of '1ouder !"-
Journal Of Commerce.