Weekly Trinity journal., 1865-10-07
Artemus Ward ON the Celebration at Bald
winsville in Honor OF the Atlantic Cable.
BALDINsvILLE, InjMnny,

sept. lne OHCl, IoNoo'
| was summund home from Cinsinnatty quite
sudden by lettur from the supervisors OF Bald
insyille, sayin how CRATE things was on the
Tappis in that air town in refferunse to seleora-
tin the compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tele-
graph, Il akin me to be pressunt. Lockin up my
Kangaroo and wax wurks in a seizure stlle, ltook
my departer for Baldinsville-' my own, my
natiy Ian, which | got intwo at early kandle
itin on the follerin night just as the selerbra-
shun and iluminashun were commensn.
Baldnsville was trooly in blaze OF glory
Mere can | forget the sublime specticul which
met my case | allied from the Stalge with my
umbreller and verlse. The Tavern was lit up
with taller HANDLES all over Il a great bon fire
was burnn in frunt thereof 4 Transparency
was tied onto the sine post with the follerin
wurds-' Civ us Liberty or Deth." Old Tomp-
kinss grosery Illuminated with . tin lantuns
and the follerin Transparency was in the winder
-. The Sub-Merchine Telegraph Baldinsvile
and Stonefied Plank Road-the CRATE events
of the 10Th century-may intestines strife never
mar their grandjure. Simpkinsis sho shop was
all ablase with HANDLES and lantuns. \ Ameri-
can Eagle was painted onto flag in a winder-
also these wurds, viz - The Constitooshun must
be preserved" The Skool House lifted up
in CRATE stile and the winders filled with notices,
amung which | noticed the folerin-'' TIooth
smashed to erth shall rize-you can / stop her.
- ut DUJ slOOu UH tHC DulHiu DCNh NhCuSS ''"i
but him had Fled" 'Prokrastinashun is the
theaf of Time" q Be virtoous & you will be
Happy" q Intemperunse has cawsed heap of
trubble-shun the Bole," and the follerin senti-
ment, written by the skoolmaster, who graduated
at Hudson Kollige - Baldinsvile sends greetin
to her majesty the Queen, hopes all hard feel
ins which has heretofore previs bin felt between
the supervisors of Baldnsville and the British
Parliament, if such there been, may now be for
,l, Dn1I; lio
this night rejoises over the gerlorious event
which sementz CRATE nashuns onto one anuther
by means of elecktric wire under the roarin
bilers of the Nasty Deep. Quosqne tantrum, a
bntter, Cateriiny, patent nostrum" Squire Smith
house was lifted up regardless of expense. His
little sun William Henry stood upon the roof frin
OFF crackers The old Squire hsself was dressed
up in soler clothes and stood on his doorstep,
pntin his sword sollumly to American flag
which was suspended on top OF pole in front of
his house. Frequently he would take orr his
cooked hat i it round in impressive style.
His oldest darter, Miss lsabellar Smith who has
just cum home from the Perkinsyille Female In
stertoot, appeared at the front winder in the
room the godds of liberty, Il sang, = see
them on their windin way Booteous l, sed
to myself, you air a angl 4 nothn shorter. n.
Boneparte Smith, the Squire's oldest sun, drest
himself up as Venus the God of Wars and red
the Declaration of Independence from the left
chamber winder. The Squire wife ddn jine
in the festiverties. She said it was the tarnuest
nonsense she ever seed. Sez she to the squire,
:! Cum into the house and go to bed. you old
fool, you. To morrer you IL be goin round half
dead with the rumertism & won gin us minits
peace till you get we'll" Sez the Squire,
Betsy, you little appreciate the Importance of
the event which this night commemorate"
Sez she, - ComIpemorate cats tail--cum into
the house this instant, you pesky old crtteri
.. Betsy" the Squire, wavn his sword.
- retire" This made her just mad she
could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty
quick with painful of bilin hot water, which
she throwed all over the Squire, IL Surs, you
would have split your sides larfn, to the old
man jump up and holer and run into the house.
Except this unpropshus circumstance all went
merry as a carriage bell, Lord Byrun sez
Doctor Hutchinses ofiss was likewise lifted up.
and II Transparency on which was painted the
Queen in the act of drinkin sum of . HutchinseS
lnvigorator, was stuck into one of the winders.
The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaper
ofiss was also illumernated, & the follerin mot
toes stuck on" The Press is the Arkcrmejian
leayer which moves the world. :" ''N0te early"
. Buckle on your Armer." Now is the time
| to subscribe Franklin. Morse 4 Field
. Terms 81 30 year-liberal reducshuns to
klubs.' In Short the village of Baldnsville
was in perfect fewroar. | never seed so many
people thar befour in my born days lie not at
tempt to describe the scenes of that CRATE night
Wurds wood fale me eff should try to do it.
shall stop here few periods and eniov NV
- Oatem cum dig the tates, as our school mas
ter observes, in the buzzum of my famerly Il
shall then resume the show bizness, which I've
bin into twenty-five (22) yeres Il six (61 muuths
HONESTLY Come BY.-The late Mr. Golden used
to tell heIollowing anecdote = When in Amer
lea, said he, - asked an enthusiastic American
lady could not rest satisfied with the immense
unoceupied territory it already possessed but
must be hankering after the lands of its neigh
bors when her somewhat remarkable reply was.
. Oh, the propensity is very bad one, admit
but we come honestly by it, for we inherited it
| from England.
HEARD FROM AGAIN.-Gen. J. W Denver the
old California politician and late army officer.