Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1865-11-30
FUN, FACTS AND FACETIE.


THE two Kings that rule ii nAmerica.----Jo o.
king and Smoking. Tire Ia RepadHqae
WHAT town in Ireland would an Irishman
name to a felIow-country1nan when in the act of
flooring him Down, Patrick.
VINO KNOWS ---Quiri wonders if eternal
vigilance is the price of Liberty what the price
OF L"ae will be by the time grass gives out
Qtel, StJe@
A WELSH paper recently contained the
following in its notices to correspondents: Truth
is crowded out of our columns this week.
4 CERTAIN barristcr. who was remarkable
for coming into court with dirty hands observed
that he had been turning Coke. Coke p
exclaimed Il waggish brother, Il should have
thought it was Goals.
BEMUs asked Jemima, few days ago. if
she had seen her vegetable friend?" My rege-
able friend? Who is that Why the young man
met with yesterday, who has ca55oty hair. reddish
whiskers, and t,,7,-ap nose.
A CORRESPONDENT introduces a piece of
poetry to us with these words The following
lines written than fifty years ago by one
who has for many years slept i'll his grave merely
for his o,rD amusement
DEEPLY were we affected on reading the
other day, Of young lady who being told that
her lover was suddenly killed, 90. that splendid
gold watch of his-gve that-giye me some
thing to remember him by! Touching simple
ity. 81
A LAWYER one pleaded with great ability
the cause of his client for nearly an hour. When
he had done, his antagonist, with supercilous
sneer, said he did not understand word the other
said, who merely replied Il believe it, for was
speaking law.
GRAVE stone in the cemetery at New
buTyport, marks the resting place of an estimable
lady, who, according to the insert otion, 'was III
state of health suddenly summoned to the skies,
and snatchcd from ye eager embrace Of her friends
by swallowing Pea at her own table, when Ill a
very few hours she sweetly breathed her soul away
"WIFE," said a married man looking for
the bootack after she in bed. Il have
place for all things, and you ought to know it by
this time" Eyes, replied she II ought to know
where you keep your late hours, but don't" He
Wilted.
VERY LIKE.-An unsophisticated country
man the other day, coming in Washington with a
load Of wood military officer, followed at a
respectful distance by two orderlies, III full gallop,
Good gracious, said he, ''hayent they caught
him yet! 1 was in about three weeks ago, and
they was a-runniu after him then.
FAME Thackeray when speaking about
fame would frequently tell the following anecd5te
When at dinner i'll st. Louis, one day, he heard
one waiter say to another, do you know who that
is = no WAS the answer. That is the cele-
brated Mr. Thacker" What's he done?" sBles-
sed if L know, was the reply.
A Colonel Of one OF the regiments at
tached to the Army of the Potomac recently
complaining at an evening party that from the ig-
norance and inattention Of the officers, he was
obliged to do the whole duty Of the regiment
SAID he Il am my major, my Own captain,
my own lieutenant my own sergeant, and
''loW own tr1mpeter, said lady present.
\ LIEUTENANT was promenading in full
uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on
sentry, who challenged him with Halt, who
comes there ? The lieutenant, with contempt in
every lneament Of his face, expressed his ire with
indignant Ass. The sentrys reply, apt and
quick, came. Advance. ass, and give the counter
sign.
THE following dialogue is said to have
taken place recently between married couple on
their travels My dear, are you comfortable in
that corner" Quite, thank you, my dear.
Sure there's plenty OF room for yourfcet Quite
sure, love. And no cold air from the window
by your ear" Quite certain darling Then.
my dear, II change places with you"
A RICH petroleum worker gaunt as a
skeleton and ignorant as hodman. went to an az
tist to have his portrait taken viii you have it
taken IN oil Water-co lrs :: inquired the artist
ale, ofcourse" replied he, 1T comes to me more
natural and, besides it makes me look tatter.
WHY is favoritc singers voice like a
crown because it's replete with precious tones.
The beautiful trcsses of young ladies are
now called beau-stlinGs.
. The tongue was intended for divine or
gan, bnt the devil often plays upon it.
The coat of horse is the gift of nature
that of an is often the work of a tailor.
"WHERE do You hail from :" qucried
Yankee of traveller Where do You rain from 2"
Don't rain Mt ALL said the astonished Jonathan
Neither do hail, 50 mind your own business"
A PHuADELPHGA editor affirms that the
poetical age Of women Is thirty, when they begin
to love conscientiously.
IL the sinners life the roses perish, and
the thorns are left in the good mans the thorns
die and the roses live.
The difference between perseverance and
obstinacy; the first is strong will, the last a
strong won't
THoUGH the proverb says You cannot make
an auger hole with gimlet yet a small man may
make great bore.
WHAT is the difference between North
eTn and Southern gentleman ?-One blacks his
own boots, and he other boots his own black
(Ihat was before the wary
WHAT is the difference between a school
master and a abroad conductor One trims the
mimi, and the other minds the train.
WHAT is the difference between bad boy
and postage stamp: Give it up? One you lick
with stick, and the other you stiei with lct.
\ LITTLE fellow going to church for the
first time, where the pews were very high, was ask
ed, on coming out, what, he did in church. when he
replied: i went into cupboard, and took a seat
on the shelf.
GID GENTLEMAN (af1ectonately): Ny son.
why do you chew tl4at filthy tobacco? PEEcoc1ous
YOUTH (stiiy) To get the juice out Of it, old cod
ger
SPEAKING Of beautiful brunette belle of
Illinois city, our friend accounts for the brown
ness of her complexion by the fact that she had
been so often toasted
WHEN Baltimore lady is kissed, she
says she feels though she was taking chloroform
and remains insensible as long rs the operation
lasts.
THERE is family in Ohio so lazy that it
takes two of them to sneeze-one to throw the
head back and the other to make the noise.
ARTENUs WARD says, when he hears the
song, Come where my love lies dreaming" he
don't 90. He don't think ii would be right