Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1865-12-21
BOURBON ITEMS.
By S. W. GOULD.


Bourbon is Failenii Bourbon the
Great!i-The citizens of this hitherto prosperous
village were startled from their pleasant dreams Of
prosperity ana glory by the appearance in the RE-
PUBLICAN Of last week Of fine lettsr-a produc-
tiou from the pen of"A. g." (Ass-tutc co1comb-)
We we're 90 "diseomf added" by reading this pro-
cuc,iou Of finely dessloped brain that we rubbed
our eyes in order to ascertain whether We were not
in dreamland instead of being wide awake in our
coy room. but We found We were in the lat
ter condition and located in that particular part
Of our planet designated by Mr. Ass-tute CoIcomb
as the Egypt of Indiana" BY perusing his ard.
Gle we were made acquainted with the fact that
there vas least one Iouse ia Egypt that consid-
cred itself huge enough to bite all the inhabitants
thereof. You are certainly terrible scOurge, Mr..
Ass-t pte. -, --,,~-,- ...,
We will first notice this superior mertal COM
position Us a literary production, and secondly we
will test the truth of his statements. His style n
unsurpassed in modern literature, and we are glad
10 known that We possess within the limits OF our
town Of "mud and one story houses" at least one
literary man. We do not know the occupationlof
Mr.. Ass-tuse, but we would advice him to at once
conclude to be public man, and labor for the in.
tellectual benefit OF the race, for such mental fe
cundity should not be lost to the world. Then,
Mr. tute. you doing yourself great injustice
By Withholding your name (reaD from the public,
as such prolific mind should not be kept in OBJ
security. You would be n valuable addition TO the
ranks Of the lterat and you should not allow your
eel to be governed by feelings Of false modesty.
Come, Mr.. Ass-tute, ''let the cat OUT and then
we can better enjoy your "local 'goaks'". You
should not be ashamed of such mastery command
Of the English language and such finely rounded
sentences.
We will now come to q consideration of your
statements. You have no doubt in your extensive
researches for wisdom asccrtained that great men
have been In error, therefore will not be offended
! If we lesser lights prove you 10 be mistaken. In
the first place, Mr.. Ass-tute, we have never col.
tended that we had good roads, but We are just
now contending for better ones; but We have not
been able to discover Jour "corduroys "-"eItend-
ing to the very centre OF town." 1t may be that
you had the advantage of looking through more
gasses than We have, in which very
readily believe yoJr corduroy" story. But We
will PASS to consider the "schoo house that can't
be finished for want Of material in this wooden
county" You ought TO know, Mr.. Ass-tute, that
lumber is not the only requisite in the construction
of building any more than LIES in the production
OF q newspaper article. IL you will walk around
to the school house you will discover a stone wall
under it. and by little inquiry in that direction
you will also ascertain that the carpenters were
ready to erect the frame work Of the building long
before the wall was completed. Stone was the
material wanted" Mr.. Asstute. and wooden
country" 10 not necessarily stone country.
But you say 'there was no school last winter, nor
since the old house burned down." You duonf
say so, deu youl The house was burned in the
latter part Of January last and we were having
school nc that time, and half the winter term had
expired when the house was destroyed. And We
"have had no school SINCE" chi Poor. deluded
Mr.. CoIcomb. We will see. Our school house
was destroyed about eleven months ago, since
which time have had in the aggregate six
teachers and ,wcnty-on months of SOCIOLOGICAL
TO any previous eleven months. Where have you
been all this time, Mr.. Ass-tute7 In order to
prove that we are informed whereof We write we
will give the names Of the different teachers and
the number OF months taught by each:
Mrs. Slough. s. mos. Mrs Kaiser. 3 mos.
Mrs. Mowry,. -. 3 mos. Mrs. Rowe. 3 mos.
Miss Weaver. } mos. Miss Dennis. 3 mos.
What do you think Of this, Mr.. Coxcomb7-
Don be 90 fast in the future, it will prove an in
/ jury TO you "Wait for the wagon'-you'll save
your boots by il. IL is great pity for you to eI-
pend 30 much sterling mental energy in producing
such false statements; but your On torm-ant was
doubtless in error. You will do better nc It time,
won't youl We feel much solictuds for your
welfare and prosperity as q correspondent, and we
trust you may be guilty Of no Improperly that will
injure you-in the future. Be watchfrl, Mr.. Ass-
tute, and prayer may be Of benefit to you.
But We have bourbon on the brain" We are
convinced that there is one case Of q much worse
affection Of the brain, and, Of the two evils We are
disposed to choose the least Is yoxY disease con.
tyious, Mr., AT
| Will you be so kind as to inform us who is
"grumbling'' because compelled TO clay down .
little side walk"7 We have heard none, and the
citizen, here are disposed TO dscredit your state
msnt. You are in trouble again, but you are no
doubt aware that public men are always in Difficult.
y. We will give you what assistance we can,
and, by the notice we have taken of your com
munics,ion, we think we have prepared the readers
OF the REPUBLICAN Tor the reception Of your "ocal
goaks." Let 'sr RIP.
| 80 ~ II -