The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1865-02-23

! For the Upton Advertiser.
T eE~Having heard OF the Red Jacket Stomach
Btters, was about to pass them by without no.
ticc, regarding them las most other patent med.
! icincs) only an instrument for the purpose Of
transferring large quantities Of money from the
scant wallets Of the unsophstcated into the
capacions pockets of the medical proprictors.
But happening few days since, at the city of
Nj, "a city noted for progressg noticed, in
the o. House, and other places, the picture
of Red Jacket, with something like the follow.
ing very significant notice in flaming charac.
ters "Red Jacket Stomach Bitters sold by all
druggists grocer s and hoseikeepers.' How rery
convenient.
| On arriving at home, I at once commenced an
inquiry about this "Great Remedy" For Icon.
Guided it must ha possessed of some very extra
ordinary qualities or grocers and hotel keepers
would not step aside from their legitimate bust
/ ness to retail it. was not long without infor-
nation; Tor there were soon found, merchants.
lawyers, doctors, common people and street
boys, who had faithfully tried the "Greatp Rene
dy,' and could testify to it's exhlarating effects
Some had even become so attached to it that
they could not take SOCIAL game" without its
presence.
Immediately resolved to bring about an Cd
p0rtunity for testing The qualities Of This popu-
lar medicine. The opportunity soon came. A
select party of friends who had chronic Difficult
ties in their stomachs, was soon found; and l.
feeling "a Kind of g"neness" in my stomach, fol
lowed their prescriptions. had not proceeded
far however, until it was found to affect the head
instead Of the stomach. This bad sign; but
| was able to remember uotaton from Saxe's
Pedagogue, as follows:
'For asst is meete to soalie ye fecte,
Ie ailinge hcade 10 men6e,
Ye younker's pate to stimulate,
lie beats ye other end.'
Aid thinking 'the remedy might operate on
the stomach by the same rule, continued to ap.
ply it. l soon found things were "getting into
considerable of muss." After beating about
for while towards all points Of the compass, I
/ managed to reach the street, where the pave
,ment after reforming several graceful undula.
tions, stood up in front of me so suddenly that
broke my nose against it before could stop.
! tried to back off; but gravitaton, some thing
similar seemed to act directly in front Of me
and hold me against the cold stones. friend
came to my relief and pulled me away from the
pavement. Determined not to be taken by sur.
prise again, placed my feet against the stone s
and managed to keep my head from striking.
But a new difficulty sprang up came to place
where the hag-sones seemed to have turned to
ice, and were floating OH the surface of a stream
saw my perilous situation at glance. and dc.
term'ned to avoid going under If possible
/ houndered about for while from cake to cake,
but had not gone far before broke through and
fell in. soon touched bottem but sensation
| OF dampness and ehiliiness convinced me that
was IN beyond my DEPTH And being of a ouick
turn of mind did not struggle with the sur
rounding element long before l became con
vinced that, perhaps, was about done for :,
immediately fixed my thoughts on my worldly
ahairs. These were soon disposed Of as owned
| no property and had no relatives to give it to
then tried to fix my mind on things of a more
serious character; bat al that momen: my hand
touched something that seemed like the tail NJ
an animal A ray of hope shot across nv mind
thought OF all the "remark able reservations,
had ever read Of, and seized the tail with ,bo
grasp ola drowning man. But I,cas too far oo,e
my senses reeled for a moment. T smeI,eJ tha
odor of decayng flesh and was immediate1v ,sb-
cred into strange country that smelled very
strons OF matches Curious forms went Aittinu
TO and fro, carrying bottles thatI seemed to have
seen before BY noticing the direction from
"hicn these creatures came and to which thew
went soon found the proprietor ofthe premises
ne wore very patronizng air-appeared to be
doihg large businessman seemed we'll salts.
hed with his gains. AsI did not know how lopo
would have to remain with him did not make
myself offensive by asking questions. l noticed
that lis feet were split like an ox's and tn ba
wore upon hi. head ornaments made of horns
feei'ng weary, fell asleep. When I awske 7
FOUND myself located in neighbor D-'s cellar.
grasping the lifeless tail of dry hide.
how got myself out of these complicatipp
circumstances 1t is unnecessary to state. But
having brought my researches and discovery 10
close for the information of Others.
l hereby certify on my honor, (wh.t litt,e il.