Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1865-09-21

on the oraln-
Quick IN HER APPLICATIoN.-"It amazes
me, that ministers don't write better-I am sick
of the duh prosy affairs, said lady in the
presence of a parson.
'But it is no easy matter, my good woman,
to write good sermons" suggested the min
lister.
"Yes, !" rejoined the lady, "but you are so long
about it I could write one in half the time, if
] only had the text"
"Oh, if text is all you want, I win furnish
that. Take this one from solomon: 1t is bet
ter to dwell in the house-top than with Draw
ling woman in q wide house
do you mean me, sir q inquired the lady,
quickly.
"Oh, my good woman" was the grave re-
spouse, ''you viii never make a good sermoni-
ger, you are too soon in your application"
As a criminal was once on his way to the
gallows, proclamation was made that if any
woman would marry him under the gallows,
with the rope around his neck, he would receive
pardon.
i will" cried a cracked voice from amidst
the crowd.
The culprit desired the eager candidate for
matrimOny to approach the cart which she did;
and he began to examine her countenance.
'Nose, like a knife, said he clips like wa
fers, drive on hangman."
-O
An honest Dutchman in training up his son
in the way he should 60 frequently exercised
him in the Bible lessons. On one Of these oc-
casions he asked him:
"Who vas dat would not sleep NIT BOtipher'r
wife 2"
"Shoseph7
"Dat's good poy. Vel, vat vas de reason
he would not sleep NIT her p
Don't know; sphose he vasnnt sleepy"
O
A little girl, after returning from church
where she saw a collection taken up for the first
time, related what took place, and among other
things she said, with all her childish innocence,
'that a man passed around plate with some
money on it, but did not take any
A farmer wrote as follows to a distinguished
scientific agriculturist, to whom he felt under
obligations for introducing a variety Of swine:
Respected Sir-I went yesterday to the cat
tie show. found several pigs Of your species.
There were a great variety Of hogs, and was
astonished at not seeing YOU there"
A GREAT ADvANTAGE.-"Come till Ameri-
ca, PATTI" writes a son of the Emeral Isle to his
friend in Ireland ''tis fine country to get a
living in. All We have to do is to get three
oornered box and ill it with brick and carry it
till the top Of four-story building, and the
man at the top does all the work"
Mr.. James Hogg was married to Miss Ella
Bean, lately, What can be more natural thai
a union Of pork and beans? But this union
seems all one-sided-only one bean to a whole
hog.
An editor says his attention was first drawn
to matrimony by the skillful manner in which
a pretty girl handled broom. A brotheredi-
tor says the manner in which his wife handles
the broom is not SO very pleasant.
AWestern musical critic says that Mr.. G. W
Morgan, the organist, ''ean dig, kick, tramp,
pull, thump, jerk and Jam more musick out of
thebowels of that instrument than We ever sup
posed was in it.
An exchange says that the young lady who
thought she would have died so many times,
is now enjoying excellenthealth.
Why would tying slow horse to a post seem
to improve his pace Because it would make
him fast
An English woman in Dundalk gave birth to
four children-two boys and two girls. A con-
tnbution is solicited for her bereaved husband.
A little girl at Sabbath School, being asked
if she loved the Lord, replied:
Don't know thir: I haint got nothing gin
him.
If Brigham Youngs 100 wives favor their
lord with curtain lectures, what, oh what, must
be the nature Of "YOungs Night Thoughts ?"
One who always speaks cOllectedly-A tax
gatherer.
A woman could more easily Close forever her
mouth than her heart.