Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1865-12-19
WIT AND HUMOR.


When young lady is dull and stupid spark
may make her sparkle.
A Western editor must be in q bad fix. Hav-
ing dunned subscriber for his subscription, he
not only refused &c pay, but threatened to fog
the editor If he stopped the paper
A German being required to give receipt in
frll after much mental effort, prod need the fol-
lowing: 'sI ish full. wants no more money.
John Swachammer.3
A Young lady who was rebIked By her mother
for kissing her lover, justified the act by quo
ting the passage--s'W hatsoever ye would that
men should do unto you do We even SO to them"
aWlll YOU give me that ring?' said village
DANDY to lady, ssfcr it resembles my love tor
YOU; it has no end" excuse me, sir, was
the reply, 81 choose to keep 1t as being emble-
NAUTICAL Of mine for you-it has no beginuing.''
An advocate having lately gained suit for a
poor young lady, who was very ugly, she re-
marked, 81 have nothing to pay you with sir,
but ny hearth Hand it over to the Gle rk, if
you please wish 10 fee for MYSELF he re-
piled.
The Yankee farmer whose pigs were so lean
that i took two of them to make shadow, has
been beaten by another W ho had several so thin
that they would crawl out through the cracks In
their pen. He finally stopped that fun by tying
knots in their tails.
A beggar iuportuned a lady for aims, she
gave him shilling. God bless your ladyship, ,
said he, sthis will prevent me from executing my
resolution The lady alarmed, and thinking he
meditated snicide, asked what be meant? sAlas,
madam replied he, s'but for this shilling
should he obliged to 60 to work.
ia young man desires to be ssindependent'' let
him be printer. We know one who has work
ed thirteen gears at the case, and he now repre-
roh a n a
dition! He says: s'When l first went at the
business had one coat and a pocket handker-
chief. Now have two coats and a trunk
felt like a big tub OF roses, swimming in honey,
cologne nd cranberres. She also felt as if
something was running through her nerves on
feet of diamonds, escorted by several little Gu
pids in chariots drawn by angels, shaded by hon.
ey-suckles, and the sswhole" spread with melted
rainbows.
Mister. how do you sell beef this morning?
Why, twenty-five cents pound how much
will you haveI
Twenty five cents, eh have you got heart
sir
No, just sold it.
Well knowed that you couldn't have he art
and ask twenty five cents pound for beef. Pm
sorry you sold it, cause I'd like to have some
meat.
~DE WERD1c '-ssWe de undersigned, bein'
aKoroners Jury to sit on de body of de niger
Sambo, now done cad and gone afore US, hab
heen sitten' on de said niger aforesaid, and find
dat de same did, on de night OBJ fourteenth OBJ
November, come to def by fallen from de big
bridg e ober de riber in de said riber and broken
his neck, where We find he was subseq aenty
drown, and afterwards washed to de riber side,
whar we spose he was froze to def"
AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE.
She falls in love with fellow
Who sports with a foreign air;
He marries hel for aer money,
She marries him for his hair.
One of the very best matches,
Both are we'll mated in life
She's got fool for a husband
He's got fool for Wife.
Mrs. Darlington says she can't understand the
mark ct reports. She can understand how cheese
can be lively, and pork can be active, and feath-
ers Accommodating is if its raining; but how
whiskey can be steady, or hops quiet, or spirits
dulI she can't see neither how lard can be firm
in warm weather, nor iron unsettled, nor pota-
toes depressed nor flour risDg-uness there bad
been yeast put in it, and sometimes it void not
rise then.
The following letter was written by father to
his son in college :-ssMy dear Son-I write to
send you new socks which your mother has Just
er sends YOU ten dollars without my knowledge
and for fe ar you would not spend it wisely, i
have kept back half, and only send you five
Your mother and me is we'll, except your sister
mas got the measles, which we think would
spread among the girls if Tom had not them be-
fore and he is the only one left. hope you
will do honor to my teachings; if you do not,
YOU are donkey and your mother and myself
are YOUR affectionate parents"
AN EPIsoDE.-The clock struck ten, seized
nv hat and babe 6 God night to all, except the
lass courted she came through the hall she
stood within the portal, and gazed upon her
charms, and oh, 1 longed that moment to clasp
her to nv arms. She spoke about the moon and
stars-how clearly and brightly they shone /
said thought the crops would fail unless we
had rain soon. Then edged little closer, put
nv arm around her waist, and gazed upon those
rosy lips longed 80 much to taste. Said I, my
dearest-Suzy, I'll neve rest contented if leave
tonight without aklss--I'll go demented Then
she turned her rosy mouth, and every thing
was handy, quick from her lips snatched kiss,
oh. Yankee Doodle dandy. Then off for homo
I started could no longer stay; with light heart
and breaches thin, 1 whistled all the way
Hence learn this truth. ye bashful youth, who
seek for welded bliss, no lass will love until
-ou roo va her feelings With kiss