The Portland daily press., 1865-07-27
lFrom sHours at Home" for July.
THE INHERENT wIOKEDNEsS OF
Nrtf SHTRTS.

A long time ago undertook the supervision
OF a set of shirts, including, OF course, their
wearer. 1t was the height of my young ambi-
ton that the man should be exactly fitted by
his shirts, concerning which he began to make
complaints just one moon after took him i'm
| charge. ftt -. f.sss s. lass K
What is the matter with them p"I meekly
| inquired. fa W ataH
aThere isn't a single one that fits me-"
Totally Unconscious of the inherent wicked
ness of the article concerned, fiattered my
self that the difficulty would be easily rene
died. So ripped here and basted there. pull
ed up this shoulder and pulled down that till
thought had got it. s a sa5gre \
4 Mistaken mortal it would not fiji ra
made another series of experiments with
equally futile results. Then consulted one
or two friends, and felt sure had at last dis
covered where the shOe-I mean the shirt-a
pinched. j applied cure, but the thing
wasn't cured. Next employed tailor to try
his skill. Not one whit betterl The man was
getting-and was getting desperate.
AS my dernaeT resort, / summoned coun-
ell OF sewing society women, and we went in
to committee of the whole. For hours we
expended our united wits on single shirt, Of
ten subjecting the luckless owner to success
sive trials of the garment. M TIGag 3s
Don't that now fityour neck exactly ?" ask
ed the head OF the conspiracy, as for the forty
NTH time we gathered around our victim
3 'sWhy, yes" with charming smile of relief.
and twisting his head about experimentally
Really, | can't suggest any Improvement.
oh be joyfulp exclaimed /, elapping my
Suppose said one of the wise women,
looking at me over her glasses as If some inn
portant idea had struck her, suppose we cut
out new shirt ON the improved plan, and if
o11ffc fnl~<
Agreed" cried I, quite jubilant, and ran to
a chest for the cotton.
So we cut, basted, and tried orf--sewed, and
tried don-starched, ironed, and tried on. aa
Capital p affirmed our representative of the
lordly sex. "Not thread amiss. 1t is the first
time in my life that shirt has exactly fitted
me-" ieasiif $50 sg.l a. -77llIs e'7rgI
As grateful memorial, l made up six new
ones after that identical pattern. We entered
on our triumphant epoch. lssl ba4 ssisva.
Woe worth the dayi Must own that be-
fore forty-eight hours had passed, that .eract-
ty fitted" individual called me aside, and point
ed with cruel significance to his neck 7ls5 Isl
f. am pery sorry" said he with the blandest
ar In the world. 81 suppose your mistake came
from your great desire not to choke me-"
AMistakel choke youp echoed 1 convul-
sively, a little tempted to try the latter.
sDon't be troubled. 1t requires only slight
-
all. You see it's rather large" a1 y a reg
why couldn't he have found it out before pn
to myself Then aloud with great dignity; |
"Tell me precisely how much to cut out
swell, / should say just about an inchvff i
"Jsut about an inch," muttered sarcastical
ly, adding, with sudden burst of INDIGNATION.
Il believe the mischief is all in your neck,
which diates and contracts ON purpose to tor
ment me.n A
Ia or,n;lad ~, nv, xx-,.. Al, E.l 49,.
wel-when the shirt was "rough dry" / duti-
fully cut out the inch, basted the binding, and
tried it on again. .aa
@That is Just what wanted. 1t does very
nicely now you see,' working his chin up and
down. asosi f nir sagi .fT1f -
Yes, see, 1 did before"
"Practice makes perfect, and this time YOU
hit the nail on the head" III tea
When the change was complete, he once |
more tried on the shirt, and equiyocallv assur- !
ed me that sit fitted to To- ia'7l
Can you imagine what next happened
In the course of fortnight, the man gave |
me an invitation to ride with him, which l |
was only too glad to accept. How extremely |
gracious and agreeable he wasl might have
suspected something was coming. From one
thing to another he led the conversation, till
finally he approached the old hateful topic, |
(he had on one of his new Shirts
81 don't mind my vexation," remarked / in |
nocently, "now that you are at last suited"
Then, supposing the matter forever at rest, I 1
turned to a pleasanter subject But coming |
back to the shirts again, his face assumed such |
a deprecating look, that exclaimed in alarm: |
4Nothing ails them now, hope" W
"Only very little thing, and easily altered. j
In your fear of getting them too large, they
are triae too small-only trifeD
My heart swelled, but uttered not a word
When we reached home, made him meas
ure off on his forefnger exactly how much he
wished inserted. The shirt he had on hap
was fortunate enough to discover in my work
basket the very piece had cut out. And
was malicious enough to exult at its proving
the exact measure of the addition wanted. So
sewed it in again, repeating to myself all the
while, "Oh the crotchettypess of manp "a
Will you believe me when / whisper it con-
identially, that after all this, for many years,
alternated between cutting out and putting
in the self same piece-the mans neck invari-
ably playing me false.
OF late, however, have dropped the labor
of sewing, having discovered that pinning oy-
er one week, and unpinning the next, answers
all the purpose. The victim of this perpetual
change silently acquiesces in the inevitable ar
rangement I; and what is better, he has learn
ed to do the thing himself laa .tItal ,lsi
There is shirt hanging over the chair in
his chamber at this moment. have had the
curiosity to 60 In and examine 1t, as have
been writing. find it is the pinainy oper
week.