The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1864-12-03
WIT. FuN. AND muMoR.


-"Cuneo, is that the second bell ?" "No, massa,
dats de second ringing ob de fuss bell We
habnt got no second bell in dis hotel"
When simpkius wife kicked him out OF bed,
SAYS he, "See here, now You'd better not do
that again. Ifyou 20, Il will c1use a cool1sssu'
--"Wou,dnt you call this the cilf Of a leg ?"
asked Bob, pointing to one OF his neither limbs.
mo, replied Jim' 'p should say It was the leg
Of calt'
A CANuu LAwyEB.-"Do you think I'll get
Justice done uc a' said culprit TO his counsel.
"l don't think you will" replied the other, "for
! see two men on tho jury who are opposed to
hanging
A -Hast-"Fish IS very expensive
just now, can tell you. This salmon cost me
two.abd-siNpCuCc pOuudW Guest (uo bushes,
oil hs)-"Ah, lis very good. ! think I'll take
another eighteen peun'orih i"-PUnch.
In Turkey, whcueycra shopkcepcr is con.
vctcd Of telling iie, his house is painted black
20 remain 80 for month. Il there we're such
law In force in t1i, country, what a sombre
ana gloomy appearance some OF Out cities would
present.
The Albany Erjcicr55 Fey gives tho follow.
ing receipt 20 kill nics--"Iake borrdinr-bo house
pie, cut It into thin slices, ana lay t where the
insects may have full access to if. In less than
fifteen minutes she whole CabOOde OF them will
be dead with tho collie
A REASONABLE ENcusB--A person lsmented
the difficulty hg found in pCr,uading his friends
70 lotun the volumes which he had lent them.
t ts much more easy 90 retain the books thcm-
selves than what is contained in them"
COMMON PoLuUSEss.--Two gentlemen having
ulNtCrCc, ono went 90 the Others door and
wrote "SCuuudIe!' upon It. The other called
uICu bis u.i-hb1r, and was answered hya servant
shat OBJ, master was not az home. "NO matter"
was the reply; 81 only wished TO return his visit
a- bC lCit li, lame 10 my door in the morning."
-"Massa," soid the black steward TO his cap.
tain. as they fell IN with hOmcw8ri bound yes
sci, 81 wish you would write u few lines for me
10 send 10 the old woman, cause | can't write"
The good.uaturcd skipper complied, and wrote
all that Iumpcy dictated. As the captain WAS
about to seal up the letter, pOmpcy reminded
him that he had omitted TO say, " Please 'scuso
&c bad vritiu' and spulln'"
ErLuCrNNT.-Thc Hon. Mr.. Staples, Of Viz
gina, reports, in speech in the Rebel Congress
that there are Government officials who seek
exemption from military duty as follows .--Niy-
giuia, 400; North Carolina 400; Alabama, 1914;
Mississippi, no; Georgia, $4,000; total, 2l5Si
Evidently there are some gentlemen in the South
who desire to escape military duty.
A CArIrAI REASON WHY Brown, on his first
journey per coach, now long ago worried tue
diver beside whom he sat with inccssant childish
questions about everything on the road. At last
he got his QuiGtus thus D,ircJ-"IhCre's been
woman lying in that house more than month,
and they haven't buried her yet" Bropn-"Not
buried her yeti and pray tell me why not 2"
BJisa-" Because she amt dead TO guard
"On We purcccds, Bill; another old wOInan
down.
"PurrrFs NEVER SEE rIG rmy ARE nine
DAYS OMIT is related, that when former
Bishop OF BiIStUl held the Office of AIce-ChancC-
or OF the University Of Cambridge, he one day
not couple Ot undergraduates, who neglected
10 pay the accustomed compliment of cuppiag.
Tue bishop inquired the reason Of the neglect.
The two men begged his lordship's pardon, OBJ
serving they were freshmen, and did moi know
him. "NoW long have you been in Cambridge ?"
"Ouly eight days, was the rcply. every good"
said the bishop, "p}Yptg5 never sec till they are
mine days old
RRgrL1GoSs or - AND 'i5.-Thero is a capital
stony told of a worthy Clergyman somewhere on
the borders, who was not considered great gun
in the preaching iiue, and who had five sons, all
clergyman. lie was dining at an inn with all his
five sons, and said in the pride of his heart to the
lanuady, who was we'll known for her sallies.
"Hcre sit l, Mr. --, placed minister of the
kirk, and here sit my five sons al placed minis
ters Of the kiill." "rhat brings nc in mind of
the l5," replied the landlady, "when | had a
IIcland piper and his five sons, all pipers quar-
tered on me, and de'il ane of them could play
sprig among them "-NOteS and Queries.
A GALLANT HAwKER.-As a lady Of the
GOItesCue family, who possessed great personal
beauty, was walking along narrow lane, she
perceived, Just behind her, hawker Of eartheU-
ware, driving an ass with two pauniers laden with
his stock in trade. To give the animal and his
master room to pass the lady suddenly stepped
aside, which SO frightened the donkey that he
ran away, and had not proceeded far when he
fell and great part Of the crockGry was broken.
The lady in her turn became alarmed lest the
man should load her with abuse, il not offer insult
to her but he merely exclaimed, "NcYcr mind,
madam Bauam's ass was frightened by an
angel"
"A Principal in one Of the public schools has
been sending circulars to the parents of his
pupils, which, signed and returned, will authorize
Lin TO "inHiCt such punishment, corporeally OF
otherwise" IL, may in his judgment be proper.
The following answer proves that some of the
parents are pleased with the idea
Dear Mr., Rattan Your tlOggilg cirklar Is
duly reseayCd. l hopes as to mi sun John, YOU
will iiog him jus 50 often rs you kin. Heas
bad boy--is John. Although I've been in habit
of teaching him miselt it seems TO me he will
never larn anythiug-his spelling is specially out
ragusly defslent. Walup him we'll, sur, and
you will reseayc mi harty thanks.
Yours, Moses SPANKER.
p.S-W6t accounts for John bain' sich bid
scoller is that he's mi sun by mi wits first hus
baud.--R OChe5tJ' Democrat.