Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1864-03-17


To him your summons comes too late
Who sinks beneath his armor's weight,
Aud has answer but God speed
Waits.
= Sin has great many tools, but lie is
the handle that fits them ALL
- The first and greatest thing in rhetoric
is to have something to say.
That was an inquiring young mind that
asked the schoolmaster where all the figures
went to when they were rubbed out.
Ought a pair of trousers which have
been obtained on credit to be legally regard
ed as brooches of trust ?
DO you see anything ridiculous in this
wig ? said brother judge to Cugran. "Noth-
ing but the head, he replied
There is many slip between the cup
and the lip, but there are many more slips
after the cup has been drained by the lips.
-" Ny lord" said the foreman of Welsh
jury, when giving in their verdict, we find
that man that stole the mare not guilty"
The true theory of woman's right is to
educate the girls thoroughly, and then let the
women do as they have mind to.
= Be careful of your table-talk. Do all
your biting at table i'll biting your food
DOll NC DlIIlI5 III SOlAl ICiil"l hS'
- 1t is a fact crcditable to barn yard ma
ture, that while curses come home to roost,
roosters never come home to curse.
- The marriage Of a Haxcn-haired young
girl to a silver-haired old man only illustrates
the truth that silver can buy fax.
- The paper so extensively made of forest
trees is said to be particularly adapted to log
books.
= They are fools who insist on being per-
fecty miserable because they cannot be per-
1ectly happy
THE NAME.--The name by which the Prince
OF Wales will ascend the throne will be King
Edward the Seventh.
A soldier in one of the Kentucky camps
says the motto with them is-"United, we
sleep; divided, we freeze"
A man came into a printing Office to beg
a paper Because" said he, eve like to
read newspapers very much, but our neigh
bors are all too stingy to take one"
cit is remarkable that you are always
forgetting my name," said Il quasi-acquant-
ance named Flint "Why," said Quilp, "it
is a deuccd hard name to remember!"
- "Isn't it strange" remarked a lady,
''that the Miss Smiths are so gross ?" Not
at all, was the reply, "their father was Il
grocer"
Can YOU write ''the season is backward"
with four letters. Here they are
&C
ST
- 'Nevcr put off till tomorrow what you
can do to-day, my child" "Well, them ma,
let me eat the big mince pie that is in the
safe"
He who is satisfied to travel upon his
feet may be able to keep his carriage, but he
who is content with only riding may DoV be
able long to keep his feet.
A Dutchman's heart-rending soiIoquy is
described thus "She loves Shon Mickle so
peter as |, because he has got coople tollers
more as | has"
How TO GET RID OF Your CORNs.-Rub
them over with toasted cheese, and let your
feet hang out of bed for night or two, that
the mice may nbblc Mt them. If the mice
do their duty the cure will oe sufficient.
4 MARRIAGE.-A dwarf named Lipke, aged
thirty-four, and only two feet high, has Just
been married at Tilsit Prussia, to a young
woman aged eighteen. The bride was of Or
binary stature.
DEPARTMENT or TIE SoUTH.-The Depart
ment of the South has been divided into two
dissatisfaction. Terry to command in the
Charleston district, and Gen. Seymour in
Florida.
-"Arc you in fun or in carnest?" asked a
fellow to one who was giving him sound
horsewhipping. '1l,m in earnest" replied the
other, laying it on somewhat harder. "Pm
glad of it." said the first one, for don't like
such fun!
A gentleman, whose wife is away on a
visit protracted long beyond the promised re-
turn, writes rs follows: IT'S said that alb
sence conquers love, but the longer you stay
away the better like you" He expects her
ON the next train.
&c Bob, did you ever see Miss Simpkins?"
ono" replied Bob. Glow do YOU know she
is handsome, then?" because the women
are always running her down." replied the
graceless scamp.
w hen a beau was asked why he wore
his Respondent Icssian boots in the finest
weather, and appeared in shoes and silk stock
ings only when it was wet and muddy, he an
swered, "My wife washes my stockings, but
| have to clean my boots myself"
A young lad ran away from home, and
went to 4 tavern, where he was found by a
friend with a cigar in his mouth. 'What
made you leave home ?" inquired his friend.
cob" said he, father and mother were so
saucv that l couldn't stand it; so l quit
them"
A little Hoosier boy of i've years asked
his mother if God really heard his prayer
eyes nv son." she replied, God always
hears our prayers" "Well," said the mis-
chievous urchin, &C. think He must be disgust
ed with mine, for he has heard the same old
prayer ever since l could talk"
Mr. Wesley was once annoyed with the
discordant noise of manufactured rustic IN
singing. "Friend, you spoil the singing, you
had better stop" said Wesley. He did stop
for verse or two, and then exclaimed, Sir,
my heart sings and | must sing too" Sing
on, friend" was Wesley's reply.
A lady who boosted highly, at dinner
party of the good manners of her little dar-
ling addressed him thus: "Charey, nv
dear, won't you have beans ?" "No!" was
the i'll hammered reply of the petulant cherub
y exclaimed the astonished mother .
mo what?" Ono BEANS" said the child.
A lady was once declaring that she
could not understand how gentlemen could
smoke at certainly shortens their lives y
said she. Il don't know that" exclaimed q
gentleman; ''theres my father who smokes
every blessed day, and he is now seventy
wears old" "Well," was the reply, ''if he
had never smoked, he might have been eighty
by this time"
:" Annette, my dear, what country is op
posite to US on the globe?"
"Don't know, sir"