The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1864-08-11
a Substitute Broker Rejuvenate an Old
Man,

/
On Saturday last, an enterprisng Sub
stltute broker, in St. Louis, having been
rather unsuccessful in his search of stock
to fill the numerous orders Of his custom
ers, and meeting With an old gray headed
man who answered his purpose in every
respect, except the trifing matter of over
age, hit upon the happy expedient of re-
storing the old man to youth. To do this
it was not necessary to find the fountain
Of youth, (" vainly, sought. by Ponce de
Leon, nor, like old Esop, to call in the
services Of Medea to renew his lease of
! life by enchantment. Our substitute bro
.ker had more expeditions way of trans
mogrifying an old man into a young one.
He first administered to his patient lib
eral dose of the essence Of rye, then.took
him to barber shop, had his neck and
face washed and powdered, his hair and
whiskers neatly dyed, and the wrinkles
in his cheeks smoothed over by process
known to the tonsOrial profession. An
other snifter of rye was poured down the
patients throat to straighten his spine,
clear the rheum from his eyes, and make
his breast swell out in.martial styles The
inner man being arranged in mastering
condition, it was deemed necessary, in or
der to make "a sure thing" Of the job to
bestow some attention upon theouter COW
Iering. a pair of substantial brogans was
purchased and nice yellow linen duster
added, and the old man of sixty present
ed the appearance of biped of not more
than thirty. Starting to the recrui ting
Office with his substitute in charge, the
indefatigable broker, figuring in his mind
that he had made two hundred dollars
and forty-fvc cents by the operation, and
not wishing to be troubled with the extra
forty five, took his newly made patriot in
to saloon to drink up the botbersome
odd cents. There he committed fatal
error; by his generosity he was undOne,
and the fruits of his labor, enterprise, ,and
ingenuity slipped from his grasp-for the
third dose of rye put so much starch i'll
the old mans backbone that he positive
ly refused to enlist !! In vain the broker
threatened, entreated, and offered large
sum to his substitute to come up to the
scratch The old man felt as independ-
ent as new appointed corporal, aud
swore shed be dad-squelched if he was
going to fight for any bloody coward in
America" The broker then demanded
the return of the brogans and the linen
duster, but the alien fatty refused to give
them up The broker was in despair
He had spent Sl9.35 in clear cash in ma
king young substitute out of an old su
pernumerary, and now was cheated out of
his investment He gave vent to volley
of oaths that would have done honor to an
OK driver. s
"My young friend, said the recusant
substitute, "I'll tell you how you can
make it all right; just have my death en- :
tered to the credit Of my principal, and
that will square accounts"
'sYou internal old swindler! what do
you mean Z"
"Why, didn't | dye for the coward who
hired you to get me as his substitute, and
when a substitute dies, doesn't that re-
lieve the principal ?"
The broker seized tumber and hurl-
ed it at the substitutes head but that in
dividual being rejuvcnated by the elixir
Of life, evaded the blow, and skcdadled at
the rate of nine-knots an hour.