, 1864-11-11
Honorary Titles.

EDS. STATESMAN WE hen that dire dis
ease "cacoethes scribendi' seizes a man, it
is out of the question trying to escape its
meshes The only cure is to ''fire away" and
let it cure itself. [ am at present suffering
severely from its effects, but with the addi-
tional misfortune of having nothing to write
about. The nearest to something, or moth
ing, which ever you like to consider it, is
my heading "Honorary Titles" put into my
head by an old number of "Punch," wherein
he says that "Americans are extremely fond
of shifting round title"
Now, as Punch is an old friend of mine,
in fact countryman, or "Towney" to speak
more properly, and as 1 have had myself
"snifed" into a goodly number of these hon
orary titles, suppose give you a little of
my experience.
Starting from New York, where I first be-
came Captain" " and frequently "Boss," 1
arrived in California, where my merits were
at once recognized, and 1 passed through a
succession of most fattering degrees. E"Ma-
jor," "Colonel," and General" haveNbeen
worn with blushing dignity, and the parsicu-
lar localities where these titles have been
conferred, delight to honor me with them
still. Once | was nominated for Justice of
the Peace, but not being qualified, [ could
not run. However, in that region | am
Judge" TO the present day. So you see
what "a sniff of legal Office can do. There
was a time of glory and honor when arrived
at the dignity of "Old Hoss," and was with
in an ace of having the supreme title of
"War" inserted before the "HOss," but
whilst trembling with anxiety for the decis-
ion, something intervened to crush my
hopes; whether my politics were not right,
or | was not "sound on the Goose" [ cannot
say, but [ did not get the "order" of War,
and even the "Hoss" slipped away-leaving
only the "Old," which, as shall show sticks
to me still. Some, with domestic turn Of
mind, have called me ''Uncle," although for
the life of me have never been able to dis
cover any relationship, and consequently l
put this down as an Hon. title of American
origin. Again, the fattering notices some
have taken of my apex, calling it "Con-
gress head, has nearly promoted me to the
Federal Capitol and left the scent of "Hon.
Senator" to be shifted at. To tell you all,
would be tedious to you and to your readers,
and would take up too much space in your
paper. Suffice it to say that l find this,
your town of Walla Walla, most chary of its
honorary distinctions. Will you believe it.,
that with all my merit, am only classed
here as "Old Mani" Once or twice it is
true, have been called "Old Gentleman"
but, as l have no wish to be confounded
with his Satanic Majesty, who frequently
is alluded to as the Old Gentleman, or to be
thought any relative of 'hisen' (as we some
times say will content myself with my in
ferior Walla Walla title, and subscribe my
self, Yours, not to be shifted at,
The OLD MAN.
P. S.-Should you wish to hear from the
old man again he will be on hand at
command.
rive hope to hear from "The Old Man"
frequently, and take this opportunity to as
sure him that we shall be highly pleased to
entertain the readers of the STATESMAN
with correspondence from so distinguished a
source "The Old Man" will please take no
offense at our hit at his Honorary titles. ]"
EDS