davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09

you know what persevering fellow he is |;
he's fierce enemy, too, understand he
says be likes my report. He got me to
half promise that would give friend of
bis, who is letter-writer, and man Of
talent, and, I understand, q strong politi-
cal friend of mine, place at least worth
eighteen hundred dollars. What eighteen
hundred dollar clerkships have we?"
"Four, sir, replied the clerk.
"Who are the men that hold them
Give me some idea of them, and how they
got their places. p"
"Mr. Secretary, the eighteen hundred
dollar places are held by Messrs. Anderson,
Boon, Dawson and Chester"
"Who is Anderson, to begin with
Be very frank with me, Mr.. Chief Clerk.
Tell me of his antecedents, how he got
here, &C." >5E.l
"He came here, sir, through the inau-
ence of Mr.. Clay. But he is not much Of
q clerk"
"Mr. Clay! It won't do to wake up his
wrath and sarcasm against US. Who is
Mr.. Boon ?" sH. 10 .4a .
"Colonel Benton, sir, made it his espe-
cial request that he should be appointed.
He don't do well. He's simple back
woodsman"
"Well, sir,swho is Dawson
"Wel, sir, he don't do anything. He's
never here, except at the end of the month
to get bis salary But the President Or
dered him his place."
sThe President |! !" exclaimed the secre-
tary. No man should be put in Office but
a capable one, Mr.. Chief Clerk, but Presi-
dental power is supreme. Who did you
say the other was?"
Mr.. Chester, SIR" replied the chief
clerk. He is the most efficient clerk in
the whole department, I don't know who
are his friends, or who got him his appoint
ment. I found him here when I was ap-
pointed chief clerk. He has large fami-
ly." '..a
"What's his politics ?" asked the Sc
cretary. ...
"Indeed, don't know, SIR" replied
the chief clerk. 81 know he is always at
his desk and always up to his duties. He
has beeh here long time.''
"He, has, ha?" exclaimed the secre-
tary. "Mr. Chief Clerk, rotation in Office
is the great loadstar of our party. Dis
miss Chester and write polite note to
George Washington Bantam, Esq, advis-
ing him of the appointment of his friend,
Mr.. Slaughter, to Office. Also, write to
Mr.. Slaughter, care of Bantam, announc-
ing to HIM his appointment.
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09

If any old bachelor should read the fol-
lowing picture of the utility of wife, it
would incline him, we suspect, to abandon
his ideas Of independence altogether, and
place himself under the care of one of
EYES daughters. Let him take lesson
at once:
Doubtless you have remarked with sat
isfaction, how the little oddities of men
who marry rather late in life are pruned
away speedily after their marriage. You
have found man who used to be shabbily
and carelessly dressed, with huge shirt
collar frayed at the edges, and glaring
yellow silk pocket-handkerchief, broken Of
these things and become pattern of neat
ness. You have seen man whose hair
and whiskers were ridiculously cut, speedi-
ly become like other human beings. You
have seen a clergyman who wore long
beard, in little while appear without one.
You have seen a man who used to sing
ridiculous sentimental songs leave them
off. You have seen a man who took snuff
copiously, and who generally had his
breast covered with snuff, abandon the vile
habit. A wife is the grand wielder of
the moral pruning-knife. If Johnson's
wife had lived, there would have been
no boarding up of bits of orange peel;
no touching all the posts in walking along
the street; no eating and drinking with
disgusting voracity. If Oliver Goldsmith
had been married he never would have
worn that memorable and ridiculous coat.
Whenever you find a man whom you know
little about, oddly dressed or talkind RI
diculously, or exhibiting any excentricity
of manner, you may be tolerably sure
that he is not married man. For the
little corners are rounded of, the little
shoots are pruned away in married men.
Wives generally have much more sense
than their husbands, especially when the
husbands are clever men. The wifes ad-
vices are like the ballast that keeps the
ship steady. They are like the wholesome
though painful shears, shipping of little
growths of self-conceit and folly.
So you may see that it is not good for
man to be alone. For he will put out
various shoots at his own sour will which
will grow into monstrOusly ugly and alb
surd branches unless they are pruned
away while they are young. But it is
quite as bad, perhaps it is worse, to live
among people whom you are an oracle.
Probably among the class of old bache-
lors you may find the most signal instan-
ces Of the evil consequences Of going
through life with nobody to prune one. I
could easily record such manifestations of
Stiffness and absurdity in the case of such
men a. would be incredible. OF course
Am mot going to do sos An old bachelor
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09

A friend told me of an old gentleman
from Cincinnati, Mr.. B., most ami
able, helpless old man, who had with the
tide come on to Washington, on General
Harrisons election, to get an Office.
81 found him." said my friend, "grind-
ing over the gravel between the Presi-
dents house and the departments, wear
ing out his shoes and looking seedier and
seedier. He seemed to avoid me. At last,
one day, I stepped him, and asked him
how he was getting along?"
81 am not getting along at ALL" he
said."
"Why not?" asked my friend.
Because, sir, the claims of the friends
of General Harrison are not recognized !;
strangers and interlopers crowd in here
and get everything. The loaves and fishes
are all for them"
"What recommendations have you?" 4"
asked my friend.
"Look at this, sir !" said Mr.. B., pro-
ducing a worn letter from his pocket
wrapped in bit of brown paper.
1t was simply an endorsement on the
back of some Of Mr.. B. friends for an
Office from General Harrison, in which he
said:
"Mr. B. is an old and valued friend of mine,
and should be gratiied if any of the heads of
ment. w. II. HARRISON"
"There, sir!" exclaimed Mr.. B., "what
do you think of that? How many of these
fellows who are getting ofices-fat Offices
can claim one on the endorsement of
Gen. Harrison of being an old and valued
friend of his?"
"True," said my friend, "but I expect
that Gen. Harrison has endorsed hundreds
of applications in those very words-I at
least know of half dozen who have got
nothing"
"With this endorsement? " exclaimed
Mr.. B.
"With that endorsement" whispered
my friend.
"What shall I do ?" exclaimed Mr.. B.
in despair.
"Have you any friend-a member of
Congress, here, Or a senator, who has in-
fluence?" T..
81 have one, "said Mr.. B.
"Well then, spend your last dollar in
getting hack and taking him to the de-
partments, until he gets at least the prom
ise of place for you from one of the Sec
retaries.'
Mr.. B. departed to follow this advice.
A few days afterwards he saw him looking
spry and sharp, when Mr.. B. accosted him
and thanked him very gratefully, saying
that his friend the member, had got him
put on the contingent fund at a salary of
three dollars per diem, with the promise of
a permanent place.
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09
HOW TO KEEP IN OFFICE

Not many weeks after this my friend
found Mr.. B. looking very much down in
the mouth.
"How do you come on ?" said he.
81 don't come on at all, sir; am out
of office.'
"Out of office! What, has the contin-
gent fund given out ?"
81 don't know anything about the con-
tingent fund.-" said Mr.. B. /; "but spent
my whole time copying letters that the
chief clerk gave me, and when took him
the last I copied, he said he had nothing
more for me to do, and took the hint-a
pretty broad one-and left"
"Left Why, my dear sir, go and see
your friend, the NJ. O., and save yourself.
Put back all the contingent fund, and don't
you let your letters ever give out keep
one on your desk uncopied until you get
another; wait for the contingent fund to
give out"
Net long afterwards my friend entered
the library room in one of the depart
ments, and there he beheld Mr.. B., pen,
ink, and paper, and with letter on his
desk, aid he with his feet against the
wall, high up by the mantle-piece, reading
the mornings paper.
"I am glad to see you back" said my
friend accosting him.
81 am glad to be back" exclaimed Mr..
B. rising and shaking him warmly by the
hand. "I'm much obliged to you. Do
you see that letter there!" pointing to
one on his table.) 1t is not copied yet.
I'm waiting on the contingent fund.
GEORGE WASHINGTON BANTAM.
And then the removals and appoint
ments to Office, how are they too often
made!
The honorable George Washington Ban
tam, from Buncombe, arrived in Washing
ton in full feather. Bantam has just been
elected by an overwhelming majority. On
the crest OF the wave he has reahced the
capital. Hurrah for Bantam. He is of
tho opinion that he has the world in q
sling: He is welcomed BY all parties as
dashing, bold, clever fellow. They like
him about the hotels, for he spends his
money freely. Old Foy said a GOOD thine
once of General Dawson, Of Looisians'
Foy kept the saloon in the capital. The
General was q very dressy man. His fin
gers were full of rings. He wore brilliant
breast-pins, &c., and never took change
from Foy when he threw down quarter
or dollar. Foy said of him:
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09
"By Jabers, that General Dawson is q

"By Jabers, that General Dawson is q
peacock of mani"
And so of George Washington Bantam.
But, underlying all his offhandedness and
dash, there was deep current of self-in-
terest, of which the Honorable George
Washington Bantam kept the run, and
understood both time and tide.
In Bantam's district there was young
lawyer, familiarity called Tom Slaughter.
Tom was one of the F. F. V's-that is,
came from that race-had emigrated to
the west, where he had some relatives,
after spending handsome patrimony in
cards, juleps, horses and cocks, in old Vir-
ginia. Tom talked well, was posted in
politics liked to display his knowledge in
bar-rooms, particularly after taking a
glass. He entirely neglected his profess
sion. Tom was great electioneerer,
however, and went in strong for his par
ticular friend, Bantam. Bantam lent
him money, and he electioneered for Ban
tam. Moreover, Tom had very pretty
sister, who had not spent her patrimony,
who was on visit to her western friends,
too, and Bantam was doing his best to
make himself agreeable to the lady.
Now, if Bantam could get an eighteen
hundred dollar clerkship for his friend Tom
Slaughter, he would stand q chance of be-
ing repaid by Tom the sums he had lent
him to electioneer with; besides, he might
bring his sister to Washington, where Ban
tam could press his suit; and, not the
least consideration, Tom was ready wri-
ter, and could be the correspondent of the
True Patriot, the paper in Bantam's dis
tlict, which supported Bantams interest.
The editor, too, would pay Tom hand
somely, thought Bantam, and he might
make some arrangements in that quarter
to get back his lent money.
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09
THE SECRETARY IN A FIX,

In the meantime the secretary, in
quandary, sends for the chief clerk, who
enters:
"Bantam," says the secretary to his
chief Official, "that Buncombe Bantam
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09
HOW BANTAM DID 1T.

Bantam waits upon the Secretary of
some one of the departments-the one he
thinks he can manage best. How glad the
secretary is to see the Honorable George
Washington Bantam, ESD! How glad
wants to hear the secretarys forthcoming
report. Bantam understands there will
be an opposition to it. It is read to Ban
tam. Bantam likes it. Bantam will de-
fend. it. He feels it. The secretary is
gratifed. Just as Bantam is leaving, after
having promised to dine with the secre-
tary, he stops moment and says:
"By the by, Mr.. Secretary, I know you
must make some removals. have q
young friend-a man of education, and q
fine writer, who has fallen into bad health.
He is great admirer of yours. His name
is Slaughter, of Virginia, one of the F. F.
VS.. I want place for him. Ipromised
him an eighteen hundred place before Ileft
the West"
"My dear Sir, demonstrates the Secre-
tary; .. ), :.
"1 assure you he is one Of the best writer's
in the United States. He will write for
some of the leading journals, and he is a
great friend of yours. Just let nae write
to him and say to him that you will give
him place worth eighteen hundred dol
lars"
swell, well, I'll do my BEST" replies
the secretary.
"By the bye," says Bantum, "just let
me write letter at your side table,"
Bantum takes seat and writes to his
friend Slaughter that he had got place
for him, and that he must come on to
Washington, and hints to him how plea
sanity Miss Slaughter-to whom he begs
especially to be remembered-could spend
a winter in the capital Slaughter soon
arrives with his sister In the meantime
the secretary had thought nothing about
his promise to Bantum. The first thing
the secretary knows about it is the presen-
tation to him of letter from Bantum by
Slaughter, introducing that gentleman to
him, and hoping that the secretary would
install their mutual friend forthwith, as his
finances were not in very flourishing con-
dition.,
The secretary, too much a man of the
world to be confused, shakes Mr.. Tom
Slaughter. OF Virginia, warmly by the
hand, is very glad to see him, and begs
that he will call the day after to morrow,
as he is now very busy with matters that
cannot be postponed.
Slaughter withdraws and calls on his
friend Bantam, who says it will be all
right, that he will see the secretary him.
self. he will not fail to see him, for he is
thinking Of the money due him, (Which
Slaughter had promised to pay out of his
salary and of Miss Slaughter.
Slaughter calls on the day appointed,
and sends his card in by the messenger to
the secretary. Presently the messenger
returns and tells Slaughter that the secre-
tary is very much engaged at the moment !;
but begs he will take seat and look over
the mornings paper, which the messenger
hands him, saying the secretary will see
him as soon as possible.
THE SECRETARY IN A FIX.
In the meantime the secretary, in a
ouandary, sends for the chief clerk, who
enters:
"Bantam," says the secretary to bis
c;h;.f official. "thst Bunoomhe Rantam-
The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1864-09-09
LIFE IN WASHINGTON
Before the Rebellion.
With Sketches of Men and Women
of Celebrity.
BY F. W. THOMAS.
From the n. Y. Sunday Times.
nEIII.AHS IN WASI

From the n. Y. Sunday Times
DELILAHS IN WASHINGTON.
How many Delilahs have got their Sc
crets from the judges in special, the chief
men, as Delilah wore the secrets of Sam
son? "Samson, the Philistines be upon
thee!" How often that cry was made to
him, but to awaken him from his slumber,
to show his marvellous and undiminished
strength? But he gave up his secret at
last, and behold him grinding, in GAIA,
at the mill with slaves" We find in the
history of Alexander Hamilton how a wo-
man tricked him, and the willy husband in
duced Secretary Hamilton to give him a
place to avoid exposure. At last, to save
himself from charge of corruption in of
fee, he had to come out and publish a
pamphlet in vindication of his official
character, and expose the intrigue with
which he had been betrayed.
"I am not the apolOgist of vice." he
saws. "because the ardor of passion has
made it mine =" and then he speaks of the
wound he had to infiict upon the bosom
that loved him best
This is not the first nor will it be the
last instance in which the Delilahs of the
land have brought to shame the judges in
Israel in the capitol of the country.
HOW TO GET OFFICE.
And then the management and trickery
Of Ofhce-seekers! Iheard Of two men who
both came to Washington, applicants for
the same oface-a post-ofice. Each
thought he would get the other drunk and
find out his secrets. They both got conf
dentially drunk but one being more eau
tious than the other, contrived to abstract
the papers of his rival from his pocket,
and while he was waiting in fever of ex-
pectancy for new recommendations his
rival got the Office.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1864-05-12
All Equal Here.

1t is related of the Duke of Wellington,
that once when ho remained to take the
sacrament at his parish church, a very
poor old man had goic up the opposite isle,
and reaching the communion table, knelt
down close by the side of the duke some o, Q
"a pew owner probably ly--came and touch.
ed the poor man on the shoulder, whispered
to him to move further away, or to give
rise and wait until the duke had received
the bread and wine. But the eagle eye and
quick ear of the great commander,
caught the meaning of that touch and that
wisper He clasped the old mans hand
and held him, to prevent his rising, and in
reverential under tone, but most distinct
ly, said, do not move-we are all equa
here. l."
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1864-05-12
Helmbold's Extract Buchu.

For Weaknesses arising from Excesses, Habits Of
Dissipation; Early IDdiscreton Of Abuse attended with
the following symptoms:
Indisposton to Exerton. Loss of Power,
Loss of Memory, Difficulty OF Breathing,
Weak Nerves, Trembling,
Horror oi Disease, Wakefulness,
Dimness of Vision, Pain in the Back,
Universal Las studa of the Muscular System.
Hot Hands, Flushing of the Body,
Dryness Of the Skin, fruptioBs on the Face,
Pallid Countcnance.
These symptoms II allowed to go on, which this med
!cne Invariably removes, soon follows
IMPOTEMCY, FATUITY, EPILEPTIC FITS,
In of which the Patient may expire.
Who say that theS not frequently followed
by those "Dreful Disc lses."
"INSANITY AND CONSUMPTION"
Many aware Of the of their suffering, but
will confess the records OF the asylum.
And Melancholy Deaths by Consumption bear
pie witness to the truth of the assertion.
The Constitution once effected with Organic Weak
requires the aid of Medicine to Strengthen and
Inyigortte the system, which
HELMBOLD'S EXTRACT BUCHU
Invariably does.
A trial will convince the most skeptcai.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1864-05-12
Sflistellaneous,
Morning..

The best part of the day for most pur-
poses, is in great measure lost by most
persons. There is no question of it. 1t is
either lost in sleep-between sleeping and
waking-feeble efforts to rise-buttoning
up the toilet, or in state of trifing indie
cision what to take holt of first. Let habit
have its due influence in the case, and
there can be no doubt but that early morn
ing is the most advantageous time for effort
of any kind, physical or mental. What an
important part of the most peoples lives
is lost So Walter SCOTS evidence to
anything which relates to experience in
great performance will be taken without
reserve. He says, "Whcn I got over any
knotty difficulty in story, or have had in
former times a passage in a poem, it has
always been, when l first opened my eyes
that the desired ideas thronged upon me.
This is so much the case, that | am in
the habit Of relying upon it, and saying tC
myself when am at loss, we shall hav,
1t at six o'clock tomorrow morning"
l have forgotten Il circumstance, or a nam,
or copy Of verses, it is the same thing.
think the first hour of the morning is favor
able to the bodily strength Among othe
feats, when / was a young man was able t.
lift smith anvil by what | called the horn
but could only do this before breakfast
and require my whole strength undiminish.
cd by the least excrtion. -Rneeland.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1864-05-12
A Tough story.

Stephenson, a country shopkceper was
one day trying to sell Joe pair Of pegged
boots. The old man gave the article offered
fair examination, and decided not to pur-
chase
"Nice boots" said STEPHENSON.
" Yes, very nice boots" said old joe
"but | cant afford EN-. 4"
why, they arc, as cheap as any they
make, said Stephenson, " only two dol
lars.
"Yes, only don't keep any hired man, I"
returned Joe
Hired man what do you want of n
hired man? asked Stephenson.
well, ] should want hired man if
bought them boots" said Joe, his eye
twisting up with even more comical lee,
than usual, the last pair Of boots hat
pretty near ruined me,
"How was that p asked Stephenson.
why" said Joe, "all the time | wor,
them boots, ! had to take two men alon.
with me with hammers, one on each side
to nail on the soles every time | lifted m!
feet
The storekeeper made no further effort
TO sell boots to Joe.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1864-05-12
AYERS
CHERRY PICTORIAL,

TIC WOTINS OTOuG hUMUuy lot
Coughs, Colds, Incipient Con-
sumption, and for the relief
ofConGunptive patients
in advanced stages
Of tho disease.
This has been SO long used and so uni
vcrsally known, that we need do no more
than assure the public that its quality is kept
up to the best it ever has been, and that it
may be relied on to do all it has ever done.
Prepared by DR.. j. G. AVER & CO.,
Practical and A',aiyticaI Chemists,
Lowell, Mass.
Sold by all druggists every where.
Sold by j. X. RaiT and 5. NJ. Folwell & Co,
Mlllersburg; j. Hanna, HolnRsvllle; II. Shriber
Fredericksburg VIM. Berger, Middletown; a.
Wilson, Napoleon George Reed, Nashville, and
by dealers everywhere. no32yl
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1864-05-12
Select 4ostrp.
THE SUNNY SIDE.

When darkest hours of sadness
Come stealing DER the heart;
When false ones dare deceive thee,
And from thy side depart;
Peer up beneath the anguish.
Aud breast the sinking tide,
Far DER the vale of shadows,
oh, there's a sunny side.
Let carly ties be broken,
Which ever thou hold'st dear'
II matters but little,
The trial how severe!
For there are many others
In whom thou canst confde,
where'er thy sad heart pineth--
Yes, there's a sunny side.
our lifetime here is fieeting,
1t passeth soon away,
Like fancy's dreamy visions,
And Autumn's wan decay.
Then take thou hold in earnest,
Although before thou'st tried
Life is made up of struggles,
There's yet sunny side.
This wide world may look dreary,
The tempest louder roar,
While every golden moment,
Thy life boats watts to shore.
Delay not in thy efforts
Against the wind and tide,
To do what thou wouldst have to do,
Upon the sunny side.