The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1864-03-19
saYln's and Doln's of Josh Billings.

SaYin's and DOin's of Josh Billings.
TO CONTRIBUTORS.
Perkins, hav red yure peace on VIM
min Rites, thru and thru. and must say
that luv it. III my opinyun, wimmin has
q rite tn dew,enny thing well, but saw wood:
sawin' wood amt thsir stile; speshially if
the saw-buck IL hi one, it must NORTH
them the wust wa.
Harrold.-Yure genus il not fully born
yet, when it gifts born think yu will be
poeck. You hav got imaginashuu enuff
tew deep livery stable. Yure landguage
is leetle tn florid; did yu ever travil in
Florida? Fri agin-I notis one of yure
lines haz 10 feet into hit, and the next one
haz only got feet six inches, iist six inch-
es short. Sum poiks air born, and sum
air manafakturd; the manufactured ones air
the moste stiddyest, tina amt so ap tew ham
ker arter mint juleps. Yu ought to go up
garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good
poeckry has bin rit up garnet.
Absolum.-Yurele letter cum saif tn hand.
In repli beg leaf tn staff, that am not the
Eddlur, think the edditur, if he waz tew
hum wud Civ yu employment. The sam
pie of your style, which you enkloze, is
smoothe. You are eEidentla a slippery
writer. There il great demand, jist now
for contributors; thares the sanitary fund
and the kontraryband fund, the General
Mcclellan pus fund, and the furrin mission,
and the 5 pints and bread for ireland and
pasifck rale rode stok and swords for Brig
adeer Generals, and soup for the suffering,
and the taxes you had better cum rite on,
you kant fail tew get sum ov these jobs.
Respekfulla yures-J. B.
Mllo.-Nex week We shall give yure cent
iments on Golf to the publik. think iist
edzackly az yu dew; John B. Golf is huge
on iektur. lie has got the art ov melton
ing out what he seq and what he don't ga.
lie wud hav made a fust rate theatre. One
OF his lekturs wud read good deal Ito a
man who didn't understand musk like the
notes of yankee doodle. Yu kant reduce
what he SEE teW Iiting, emmy more than yu
kan play sky rocket on juiss harp. Yu
never saw emmy thing he ever eed in nuze-
paper, reporter might az we'll undertake
tew rite up the report ov shooter, az tew
report him. Kant inform yu, credibly, how
much mummy he haz made lekturing, awl
/ kan sa il if he gets 500 mite, and lex
lures 500 mites in year, it amounts teW
$4,000 anrooaly. l kant inform yu tew
ded sertalntee. whether he IL married or
not; If he IL marid i'll bet a setin ov hens
eggs that a kurtain lektur in that famlee,
wouldn't pa for the advertising.
Hard Rosd.-Yure essa has sum good
hits into it, but il not jist the thing for a
religus nuzepaper, like ours send it tn
Wilkes Spirit, paper that knows how tn
talk boss. l will merely suggest, that ped
igree il not important for a fast trotting
boss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the
pedigree. Thare il a CRATE menny fast men
even, who haint got no pedigree. Thars
amt much art in driving a trotting boss,
jist hold them bak hard, and boiler them
ahead hard, that's awl. A boss will trot the
fasest down hill, espeshially if the briching
brakes. Kuller is no kriterion 1 have
seen awful mean bosses, of awl kullers, ex-
cep green never ce a mean one ov this
kuller. Horses live tew an honarabal old
age, and hav oftin seen them that appear
ed fully prepared for death. Hethins are
alwus kind tew bosses it il only amung
christian people that boss haz tew trot 8
mile heats, in hot da, for $25, 700 in
kounterleit mummy.