Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1864-07-20
0Blo Statesman,
PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY
The Ohio Statesman Company,
WEDNESDAY MORNING, JULY 20.
Artemus Ward ON the State Of the
Country.

Inc SUOOUenC anu COnnySeeT UnuSC nave
noticed and admired in various parts of the
United States of America, large yeller ham
bills, which not only air gems Of art In
themselves, but they troothfully sit forth
the attractions of my show-a show, let me
here observe, that contains many livin' wild
animiles, every one of which has got a
Beautiful Moral. Them hanbills is sculpt
i'm New York, and / annoolly repair here to
git some more on 'um; and, bein' here, 1
tho't I'd issoo an Address to the public on
matters and things.
Since / last meyandered these streets, l
have bin all over the Pacific Slopes of Utah.
/ cum back now, with my virtoo unimpared,
but I've got to git some new clothes.
Many changes has taken place, even dur
in my short absence, & sum on 'um is Sol
lum to contemplate. The house in Varveck
street, where used to board, is bein' torn
down. That house, which was rendered
memorable by my livin' into it, is "parsin'
away parsin' away!" But some of the
timbers will be made into canes, which will
be sold to my admirers at the low price of
one dollar each. In the New World it is
war-in the Old World Empires is totterin
& Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes is
cheap at dollar.
Smmy booth, Duane street, sculps my
hanbills, and he's a artist. He studid in
Rome-State of New York.
I'm here to read the proof sheets of my
hanbills as fast as they are sculpt. You have
to watch these ere printers pretty close for
/ they'er jest as apt to spell wurd rong as
anyhow.
But have time to look round some and
how do find things? / return to the At
lantic States after absence of six months,
& what State do find the country in?-
Why, don't know what State find it in.
State of New Jersey.
Suffice it to say that do not find it in the
/ find some things that is cheerin', par
ticly the resolve OIL the part of the wimin
of America to stop wearin' forrin goods.
never meddle with my wife's things; she
may wear muslin from Greenland's icy
mountains, and bombazeen from Injy's coral
strands if she wants to; but lam glad to state
that that superior woman has peeled off all
her furrin clothes and jumpt into fabrics of
domestic manufactur.
But, say some folks, if you stop importin'
things you stop the Revenoo. That's all
right. We can stand it if the Revenoo can.
On the same principle young men should
continer to get drunk on French brandy
and to make their lives as dry as a corn-cob
with Cuby cigars, because sooth if they
don't it will hurt the Revenoo! This talk
bout the Revenoo is all bosh, boshy. One
thing is toI'bly certain-if we don't send
gold out of the country we shall have the
consolation of knowing that it Is I'm the
country. So l say great credit is doc the
wimen for this patriotic move-and to tell
the trooth, the wimen generally know what
they're about. OF all the blessens they're
the soothinist. If they'd never bin any
wimen, where'd my children be to-day.
But hope this move will lead to other
moves that are just as much needed, one of
which is genral and therrer curtainment of
expenses all around. The fact is, we are
| getin' terribly extravagant & onless we paws
in our mad career, in less than two years
the goddess of liberty will be seen dogin'
into Pawn Brokers shop with the other
gown done up in bundle, even if she don't
have to spout the gold stars in her head
band. Let us all take hold jintly, and live
and dress centsibly, like our forefathers,
who know'd moren we do, if they want
quite so honest! (Suttle goaketh.)
There air other cherin' signs. We don't
for instuns, lack great Gen'rals, and we GER
tainly don't lack brave sojers-but there's
one thing / wish we did lack, and that is
our present Congress.
Ventur to say that if you sarch Godle-
mity's footstool all over with ten-hoss-
power microscope, you wouldn't be able to
find such another pack OF popycOck gam
blers as the present Congress of the United
States of America.
Gentlemen of the Senit & of the House,
you've sot there and draw'd your pay and
made summer-complaint speeches long
enuff. The country at large, incloodin' the
undersigned, is disgusted with you. Why
don't you show us statesman-some body
who can make speech that will hit the
poplar hart right under the Great Public
wiskit? Why don't you show us states
man who can rise up to the Emergency, and
cave in the Emergency's head?
Congress- you won't do. Go home, YOU
mzzerable devils-go home! =. I'd
At special Congressional lection in my
district the other day, l delib'ritely voted
for Henry Clay. l admit that Henry is
dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to
have live statesman in our National Con-
gress, let us by all means have first class
corpse. 4t .' IT,.
Them who think that cane made from
the timbers of the house once boarded in
is essential to their happiness, should not
delay about sendin' the money right on for
one. a... r.
And now, with genuine hurrar for the
wimmin who are gOin' to abandon furrin
goods, and another for the patriotic every
where's, I'll leavepublic matters and indulge
In little pleasant family gossip. ,7
My reported capture of the North Amer
lean savijis of Utah, led my wide circle of
friends and creditors to think that / had bid |
adoo to earthly things, and was a angel |
playin' on golden harp. Hents my rival |
home was unexpected. gHi .r
Itwas III p. m. when reached my home
std and knockt a healthy knock on the door
thereof g n raIlu.a f'.tl@ p.Y-.
Anightcap thrusted itself out of the front
chamber winder. cit was my Bettsy's night
cap.) And voice said: W 'a.e,.
"Who ist it?" aiaa 1sso 81. geH,
= ''It's manp' i answered in gruff vols.
''I don't b'leeve It'll" she said. s.- '-...r
''Fhen come down and search me,n re-
piled. tIt ,giin 10. ..gl alim gi.r8
Then resumin' my nat,ral voice, / said,
'It is your own A. W., Betsy! Sweet lady,
awakel Ever of thoui' ..#..l b.e - l.
''Oh,s said she, Its you, is't? thought
| smelt something.n 5lB srJn1asl1. /
Butthe old girl was glad to see me. o4a
! In the mornin' l found that my family
we're entertainin' artist from Philadelphy,
who was there paintin' some startlin' WA
Ter falls and mountins, and morin slnl-
pected he had hankerin' for my oldest
lauter. 9artI sll .yT aa9 sil,i bgrq.J
'Mr. Skimmerhorn, father" said my dau-
ter.y 81 ia,ii 5q99 1nod gAl3si0t $40,
''Glatl to see you, sir, y i replied In hos
pittle vols, "glad TO see you.rl gfiB 9eyGl ID 4,
''He is an artist, father,'' sed my child. 5pl,
GA Whichiste' '9ai 70 sdtCeh HTgb gdf rf III
'An artist-Aa painter.r lsyqa ns9 sds dsfI;
"And glazierpn 1 askt. HAreOyeuapaint-il
II and glazier, ehpp 4a 0se1 stGi 10 sssiusI
MY tiauter andb wife was emad, 7 butn T.
couldn't help it, felt In q comikil mood.