Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1864-02-24
THE EVENING NEWS.
Josh Billings.

Josh Billings.
This is the name of newly risen star in
the literary armament which promises to
outshine Artemus Ward, Doesticks, and his
bosom friend, Dam Phool. The extracts
which follow denote wide scope Of subject !:
personal ORDINATION. "
/ beleaye in spechial ordainments sum. A
flu men were ordained tew be honest; in fact
poetri haz bin rit tu prove this posishun,
which goes on tu say, !" An honness man is
the no6lest work ov God" but the demand
for the work has bin so limited, that hev
thought large share ov the tirst edlsnun
must still be in the hands Of the author.
The most trubble we all ov us hev IL tew
find out our ordainings tew a spot. We
kommense life-we are sumbody's sweet
baby-we hev haxin hare-we go to distrik
skule-we slide down hill-pla hookey-we
hev crate differently with our nozes-we larn
how tu smoke, and find ourselves men grown
all to onst. thus far natur has piped, and
we hey danst, and there haint bin no fiddler
IN ma. but now Gums in the speshial ordain-
ment time. l hev bin thru with awl this
miself, and stood on the Threshold well
deyeloped Young man, looking around
reddy to be ordained. felt as tho wud
civ S75 at leaste If sumbody wud cum
along and ordain me, and let me pitch in.
I waited for about weeks, II rekoleckt
rite, and never got the fust smel oy emmy
ordaining. Then konkluded tew ordain
miself. hit or miss. The fust thing tride
ON waz 80 akers oy land in the western
kuntry. ordained the venison and wild
turkeys and possums tew leave, for was
going TN farm it. I ordained log house
and mutch rale fense immegiately, and put
in a krop ov wheat, and prokured swine,
and a woke of Stages. worked s years,
had the ager, an. . lite krops prinsipally,
and managed to sink the farm and stages !;
haint seen neither of them from that da,
and don't think want tn. | didn't seem
tn be speshially ordained for farming in the
western kuntry. Sinse that time hey tried
every kind oy biziness that j kould hear oy,
and haint bin speshially ordained yet tu mi
knollege. The fault awl lays in the different
kinds oy bizness, haint the least dout. The
biziness that waz designed for me, proberbly
haint bin ordained yet, but intend tu keep
boreing, and when dew strike lie, thare
vii be a good time generally in mi imme-
eiate naberhood. hev got emmy quantity
| Of friends, (they don't seem tu cum bi ordi-
nashun); got mine, and manage tu keep
them for emmy thing but advise yu kant ask
emmy thing ov a man that he loves to give
more, and that kosts him less, than advice.
| It is hard work tu live on advice, and hev
emmy left over, unless you are speshially Or
dained. One ov my trends, fust rate feller
| enuff, (he il in the Army ov the Pottermuk
now, giving advice tu one oy the rlgerments
thare !; i think he is a brigadear, or tina hev
bin teazing him to be one, l don't kno
| loffa
and adyized me tu start on lekturing tower:
II thare is emmy or things dispise, it is a
lekturing around the kuntry. If waz on the
retired list of Dokters ov Divinitee, with a
half cured bronkeetis in mi thrut, and had a
lektur 2 hours and long on the kuller oy
the Red Sc, presoom mite travel with 1t.
PIGS.
Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so duz
the white Pig cum tu gladden. uz. His ears
ar like the lilac leaf, played upon by the
Young zephurz at eyentide, his silk is the
woof of buty, and his figger is the outline oy
loylincss. His food is white nectar, drawn
| frum the full fountain of affecshun. BE
waves fattcr and more slick evera da, and
hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like
| an image of alabaster. He laffeth at forms,
and curleth his tale still cluser, as his feast
qoeth ON, then he riseth with gladness, and
wandrcth with his kindred, beside the still
| waters, His bruthers and sisters are az like
him az fakes ov snow, and all the da long
among the red klover and beneath the white
thorn, he makes his Joy, and leadeth life
arkadian. His words are low musk, and his
Language the untutored freshness Of natur.
His pastime IL the histry Of innersence, and
hiz lezzure liz eleganse. He walketh where
erase leadeth, and CANDLES tew the dallianse
ov dewy fragranse. He gathereth straws In
his mouth, and hasteth ava on Grants oy
gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof ov his
parent; bis ackshuns are the laws oV per-
iiteness, and his logick is the power OF in
stinkt. His datime is peace, and his even is
gentle forgitfulness. AZ he taketh on years,
| he loveth kool phases, and delveth in liquids,
and stirreth the arth to fatness, and paint
eth hisself in dark cullers, refuge from
fize, and the torments oy life: de forgetetn
his parent and bekumeth his own master,
and larneth the mystery Of food, groweth
huonIy. Men gaze at his porkyness, and
koTnt his vallu BY pounds, and la in waite for
him, and sacrifsc him, and give his flesh salt
for its safety. Ims is
Pig life.
Strategy is trying to rcdooce a swamp by
katchine the fever and ager out oy it. The
only recon why Mcclellan failed in rejoicing
the Chickahominy swamps was that, noo-
merikally speking, the swamps had more
| ayers than Little Mac had men to ketch
them. 1t is doc to the trooth oy history. Ito
the printer ov the Pokepesee Eagle: don't
mewtilate mi spelling and print that "his
story" for that is longer'n the moral law, If
WI know how long that is las was remark
ing, it is doc to the trooth ov history to state
that Mac did remarkably well, all things kon-
sidered. He kot so menny Of the ayers that
he was called the Seizer ov the Chickahomi-
ny.
BERLoNY SARsAGE.
Take an eelskin and stuff it with ground
cat; sesin it with Scoth snuf and persimmin
lie la it on hog pen to dri, and then hang
it up by the tale in Dutch grossery for ait
munths for the fize tu give traid marx, then
it is reddy for use and can be cut up intu rite
lengths and sold for perlice klubs.
LIFB. ga 81 EeH H-f
Awl oy us komplain ov the shortness oy
life, vet we awl waste more than we uZe.
EXCELLENCE Is WHAT PAYs.-The man
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