, 1864-02-13

that can dig and carry as many bushels in a
day as Gretchen can. And, besides, fresh
wives, like fresh servants, work like smoke
at first, but they get saucy and lazy after
while"
"0h, my" said Miss Lucy, "did you
ever hear the beat Of that! Well never"
An old soakcr," who lives in Western
Missouri, took it into his head one day that
it was necessary for his future welfare to
be born ag'in," and forthwith repaired to
the Rev. Mr.. B, the respected pastor
Of the Baptist denomination of the town
aforesaid, to obtain light. He was received
with urbanity, and forthwith the following
dialogue ensued:
Old Sits your doctrine, boss, that a
fellow to be saved must suffer immershun,
isn't it@
Mr. B.-Yes, Mr.. s. il is fundamental
doctrine Of our church, that man, to be
regcneratcd, must repent Of his sins and be
immersed
Old Swell, boss, after ropcntin' Of
his sins, and being slid under, il he flashes
in the pan, then what?
Mr.. B.-AlthOugh backsliding is much
to be deplored, still, if he sincerely repcnts
Of his sins, and is again immersed, the
church will receive him again.
Old Swell, s'pose he ag'in kicks out
Of the traces after the second time, (for
you know what critters there are in this
world, boss,) then what's to pay?
Mr.. Notwithstanding all this, If he
will repent, and solemnly promise to amend
his future life, the church will again receive
him into its bosom after being immersed.
Old s., (after few moments of deep
thought) proposes the closing interrogatory
We'll, boss, wouldn't it be q blasted good
idea to keep sich fellers in soak all the
time?
Our informant did not say whether old
s. joined the church or not, but we incline
to the opinion that he did not.
Iawyer-Did the defendant knock the
witness down with malice prepensel
Witness-No sir; he knocked him down
with flat-iron.
Lawyer-You misunderstood me, my
friend; want to know whether he attacked
him with any evil intent.
Witness--Oh, no, sir; it was outside the
tent.
Lawycr-No, no; I wish you to tell me
whether the attack was at oil a prcconccrted
affair.
Witncss-No, sir; II was not free con-
cert affair; ii was at circus.
We have heard Of many cool things
but never anything cooler than the follow
ing: The landlord Of hotel in Indepen.
dencc called boardcr to him one day, and
said:
"Look here, l want you to pay your bill,
and you must. I've asked you often enough,
and you don't leave my house till you pay
for it."
"Good," said his lodgcr, "just put that
in writing, make regular agreement of it,
and I'll stay with you as long as you live"
Bob" said a tormenting friend to a |
bachelor acquaintance, why don't you get
married 2" ..'
"Well, l don't know. l came very near
il once--just missed IT,"
You did? Let's hear IT,"
"Why, asked a girl if l should see her
home from party one evening, and she
said no! If she'd said yes, l think /
should have courted and married her.
That's the nearest ever came to getting
married"
His friend was satisfied.
A little urchin, some two or three wears
old, being ut Glittle distance from the house,
was suddenly startled by clap Of thunder.
He was very much frightened, and. made
rapid tracks towards the house. But as
the shed was the nearest shelter he en-
tered IT,, and casting defiant look at the
dark clouds, exclaimed, "Thundcr away |
I'm under the she'd"
"Is that clock right over there ?" asked
gyiitor the other day. -
~ Al