The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1864-12-28
Greniug telegraph
WEDNESDAY, DEcEMDER Is, isel.
wASTED-A MINISTER.

We have been without a pastor
some eighteen months or more,
And 'hOugh candidStes are plenty
We've had at least a score,
All Of them Tip top" preachers,
Or 81 tbeir letters ran
We're jut,as far 8s ever
From settling on the man.
The first who came amongst ms
BY no means was the worst,
But then we didn't think OF him
Because he ioas the FIRST;
IL being quite the custom
To sacrifice few,
Before the church In earnest
Determines what TO DO.
There was a smart young fellow,
With serious, earnest way
Who, but for one great blunder,
Had surely won the day;
Who left so good impression,
On Monday ono or two
Went round among the people
To see If he would do.
The pious, godly portion
Had not a Glnlt to find;
His clear and searching preaching
They thought the very kind;
And all went smooth aud pleasant
Until they heard the views
or some influential sinners,
Who rent the highest pews.
On these his pungent dealing
Made but sorry hitj
The coat Of gospel teaching
Was quite too tight iit.
or course his fate was settled
Attend We parsons ALL
Aud preach 10 please the sinners,
II YOU would get a call.
Next came a spruce young dandy,
Who wore his hair too long;
AnOther's coat was shabby,
And his voice not over strong;
And one New Haven student
Was worse than all of those
We couldn't hear the sermon,
For thinking of his nose
Then wearying Of candidates,
We looked the country through,
Mid doctors and professors,
To find one that would do.
And after much discussion
On who should bear the ark,
With tolerable agreements,
We fixed on Dr.. Parke.
Here then we thought il settled,
But were amazed to find
Our 1attering invitation
Respectfully declined.
We turned to DIR. Hopkins,
To help us in the lurch,
Who strangely thought that College
Had claims above 'Our church"
Next we despatched committees,
BY twos and threes, to urge
The labOrs for Sabbath
Ofthe Rev. Shallow Splurge.
He came--a marked sensation
$50 wonderful his style)
Followed the creaking OF his boots
As he passed along the aisle.
His tones were so affecting,
His gestures so divine,
A lady tainted in the hymn,
Before the second line
And on that day he gave us,
In accents clear and loud,
The greatest prayer e'er addressed
To an enlightened crowd.
He preached a double sermon,
And gave us angels food,
On such a lovely topic
'The joys OF solitude"
All full of sweet descriptions,
OF flowers, and pearly streams,
Of waTbling birds and moonlit groves,
And golden sunset beams.
or faith, and true repentance,
He nothing had TO say;
He rounded all the corners,
And smoOthed the rugged way;
Managed with great adroitness
To entertain and please,
And leave the sinners conscience
Completely at its ease.
Six hundred is the salary
We gave In former DAYS
We thought it very liberal,
And found IL hard TO raise:
But when We took the paper,
We had no need to urge,
To raise a cool two thousand
For the Rev. Shallow Splurge.
In vain were all our efforts
We had no chance at all
We found then city churches
Had given him a call;
And he, In prayerful waiting,
Was keeping all in tow;
But where they bid the highest,
Twas whispered he would go.
And now, good Christian brothers,
We ask your earnest prayers,
That God would send Shepherd
To guide our church affairs,
With this clear understanding,
A man 10 meet our views
Must preach to please the sinners,
And fill the vacant peHs.