North Branch democrat. [volume] (Tunkhannock, Pa.) 1854-1867, 1864-11-23
ARTEMUs ON THE DRAFT,

Artemus Ward, Dr., is again before the
public vetilstiDg his ideas on the draft
A crate many people sir getting exempted.
kno chap who warnted to git exempt be-
Gaze he had no old widow mother 10 support
him. Another youth said If he went to war
his mother wood have to stop taken in wash
in, as he was the only son he had TO main
tain. It's astonishin' wot skurcity of male
people thar is between 20 and So years
Those wot aren't over IS are under 20. They
never git past q, hardly. -..r ..r.-a..,
unctiknowd femail wot was under 20.
She was splendid. Her name was Mariar,
thcrt much of her. Praps tbort mucher of
her prtlent's 80 acher farm. But she avs
swedt girl. She had butlfullest eyes, one
was crosseyed an the ether squin'ed She
ust to look at me 2 ways at onct. And such
small feet Her gators war small enuff for
me by stufiing rags into the Tose of 'em
won't say anything about her teeth. She
bad no teeth to say yenything about.
She was Hairess. That's wot allied her.
Her Guvner was Breckinridger. One mite
ne arst me, what ! wars. ';Pm an Army
Contrackter," ,sez !, telling oonfounded
wopper /; but Marar was Looking at me
wrys, and scarcely moved wot was sryin
"Wall,' sez the old man, "ef you are army
contrackter you must be Breckinridger, for
they get all the contracts an the Union men
dus the fghtin." ''2 troo !" sez l. | maid
Mariar nomerous number of presents.
bot her Collars worth of Joolry, consistin'
ov gold watch, buzzim pin an earrings, an
things-uPwards of severil Of the larst. r.
But she was always morelp pleased when
took her bunk of yaller Jack. 1t wos
splendid sight to see her eat yaller Jack
After kortin her sevril weeks, thort it was
timo TO bring things to climax. mite
took her sooperb big chunk of yaller Jack,
an after she put herself outside of it I sez to
myself outside oft SEE to myself, now is
the expected time. as the Scriptoors remarks.
had been weeks in turning sum big works
with which 20 arsk her to be mine, an got
down on. my knees be4 her to say 'em when
sez she - . a.. ..- . .... zn... a ar T.
Gimme another hunk ov that candy.
before you begin to pray" This nockt all
the wind out Gv me Sales as it were an"'
didn't no wot to say, an cum putty near say
in it. But wasn't going to give up the
ship, so to speak. squattid side ov her,
took her alabaster hands in mine look into
her eyes an family articoolated" Marian, I luz
you good bit wuss nor nothin. Will you
walk through life's thorny path with me o.
Me heart kept bobin up and down in me buz-
zim as tho 1t warnted to break its bonds and
acre away at the Poick sings. But don't
think Mariar understood me fggerative Ian
gwage, for sez she, Not q walk. don't in-
tend to travel thro' emmy thorny path with
out | kin ride. You're ole fool, that's what
you ar, and guess was. for left the da m
sci without pressln uessoot. AS became
wiser grow older and have sence larned
that girl don't mean oil she seq. Not by a
harf a dozen. .9..., .
When femail calls chap ole fool,
she thinks he's hunky boy. as Ben afick
saiss Il pity Mariar.. When she found |
didn't cum bae she took up with love cove
who supported good store Clqse. She took
him for gentlmen, but after marfyin. he
turned out to be dirty Peas man, which
busted her hart and kilt her ded Rest qui
ct an peace E. poor busted up IUnion, I
suppose you don't knew what thos Latin mems?
l don't kno, too. The right wing of the rebel
army is in Virginia, and left is in New
York. An Pm in Washington. As alurs,
A. WARD, in.