Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1864-03-22
ELEVEN PATRIOTIC REASONS FOR
NOT GOING TO THE WAR.

! The following ssreasons for not going to the
itude, but as there are some, even in this Lati"
tude of ''sunny cmes," who do not wish to ''go
to the war" and as they may desire to be able to
assign good and ''patriotc reasons for their
reluctance, we publish, for the benefit of such,
the following seleven patriotic reasons for not
going to the war"
/. / was brought up, by my kind psrants, to
do nothing, and have done it, for thirty years,
and cannot think of changing my vocation.
therefore pray thee have me excused.
ii. have hereditary horror of strife. My
grandfather ran away, at the battle of Bran-
dywine. If he had then and there, been kill
ed, my father would not have hid in the cy-
press swamp, at tho battle of New Orleans. My
mother always cautioned me to be careful how
| meddle with edge tools. cannot go.
Ill | am rather delicate-must have FIRE in
my chamber, couldn't live in a tent must have
my mulled wine at ten, besides, what should |
do for lobster salad, and broiled oysters Pray
have me excused.
lV. When was poor, l could not restrain my
patriotism but, some how or other, it hss not
troubled me much of late. This war has lasted
long enough. / have married rich wife.
cannot go.
V. Talk not to me about your dulce ct deco
rem est pro patria mOri. Pve no notion of it.
want none of your dulces decorums. My max
i'm is, dun Ui0inaus UiU0naus. bought con-
pie of trotters last week-cost me 81 200.-
Guess shant go to the war while the sleigh
ing lasts.
VI cannot deny it, the smell of burnt gun
powder acts like a cathartic on my stomach
and bowels. Have me excused Immediately.
VII. My heart is with our gallant troops
No tongue can tell how l long to join the army.
But, when / refer to the subject, my poor wife
goes into Mysteries. dearest Feezer," she
cries, shave you the heart to leave you own,
your devoted Jerusha Matilda Annel" and ov-
! er she goes, tossing up her arms, and kicking
out her legs Ike all possessed. 1t is irresistible.
| give it up. cannot oppose the wish OF this
interesting creature. | cannot go.
VIII. have no time for it. The very few
hours can spare, from eating, dEssking, and
sleeping, give TO the fine arts Wan is not
one of these would be excused.
TX should, were it not for my religious
scruples on the subject of war. Often, as have
been sitting, all alone in my distillery, something
within has told me, that war was wrong-prob-
ably the workings of the spirit cannot go.
X have consulted the spirit OF old Mrs.
Pitcher, of Lynn, and am assured that, if went,
should certainly run away, and be shot IN my
back settlements OF course | cannot go.
XI My mind is in very unsettled state
Upon every Confederate success, am all Ior
secession; and upon every Union victory, am
for crushing the rebellion at once. Ii the war
was over, think might be tempted to volun-
teer; but cannot as matters are at present.
When l read the little kilograms, es they are
brought in, at the insurance Office if the tidings
are in favor of Jeff. find myself, almost uc-
consciously, nodding and winking significantly
at Major Fiddler, who goes for secession and #
the news is unfavorable to the rebellion, my hand
seems of its own accord, to grasp that ofDea-
con Blunt, and ''the Lord be thanked" slips out
of my mouth, before know ATh4k am saying.
! must be excused. XW