Litchfield enquirer., 1864-07-07
A Hard Case of Gripes;
ETHAN SP1KE's WRAsTLE WITH ICE CREAM


 time as had you never heerd tell on. Did l ever tell you about the Ice Cream, scrape l hadT
 We answered in the negative, and he re sumed:
 Wall, I'd bin down thar two or three days, pokin' in every hole, an tho't I'd seed every thing thar was to be seen. But one day to- wards sundown was going by shop in Mid dle street that looked wonderfully slick-thar war all manner of candy an peppermints an what nots in the windows. An them thar war signs with good letters on to them, hangin' round the door, tellin' how they sold Soda, Mead, an Ice Cream thar. says to myself, I have heern good deal about this 'ere Ice Cream, an now if l don't see what they's made of. So puts my hands into my pockets, an walked in kinder careless, an says to Q chap standin' behind the counter do you keep any Ice Creams here?
 'Yes, sir says he, how much Il have?'
 considered a mint; says I, "A pint, sir.
 The young fellers face swelled out, an he liked to have laughed right out, but arter a while he asked:
 Did you say pint, sir?'
 Sartin, says I, but praps you don't retail, 60 don't mind takin' quart
 Wall, don't you think the feller snorted right out. Tell yer what. it made me feel sort of pisin, an l gave him look that made him look sober in about a mint; an when clinchd my fist and looked so at him, (here MT. Spike favored us with most diabolical expression0 he hauled in his horns about the quickest, and handed me pint of the stuff as perlite as could be. Wall, tasted mouthful of it, an found it as cool as the north side of Bethel hill in January. I'd half mind to spit it out, but jest then seed the confectioner chap grinnin' behind the door, which rig my spunk. Coll smash it all, thinks I, I'll not let that white-liverd monkey think I'm afeard- I'll eat the plaguey stuff if it freezes my inards tell yer what, I'd rather skinned bear or whipped wild eat. but I went it i; eat the whole in about mint.
 Wall, in about quarter of an hour, be- gan to feel kinder gripy about here,' continued Ethan, pointing to tho lower parts of his stom- ach, an kept on feelin' no better very fast, till at last it seemed as though I'd got steam i!Jine sawin' shingles in me. sot down on cheer, and bent myself up like nut-cracker, thinkin' I'd grin an bear it; but couldn't set still-I twisted and squirmed about like an angle worm on hook, till at last the chap as gin me the cream, who had been lookin' on snickerin', says he 10 me-
 Mister, says he, what ails yerp
 'Ails me says l, that ere stuff yourn is IEeezen up my dayHghts, says l.
 'You eat too much,' says he.
 Il tell yer didn't screamed I; T know what's anuff an what's too much without ask n, you, and if you don't leave off snickerin' I'll spile your face.'
 He cottoned right down, and said he didn't mean any hurt, an asked me if hadn't better take some gin. l told him would So took purty good horn, and left the shop.
 Arter l got out, 1 felt better for mint or two, but hadn't gone fur afore the gripes took me again so l went into another shop, an' took some more gin then sot down on the State House steps, an there sot an sot, but didn't feel a mite better. I begun to think I was goln' to kick the bucket an then thought of father and mother and of old Spanker-that's fathers hoss-and when I thought that should never see lem again, I fairly blubbered. But then happened to look up an' see dozen boys grinnin' and lar6n' at me: tell yer what, it rig my dander-that had got down below nero-rite up again. I sprung at lem like wild cat, hollerin' out I'd shake their tarnal gizzards out. an the way the little devils seampered was a caution to no- body. But after the citement of the race was over, felt wus again, an I couldn't help groanin' and screechin' as went along.
 At last thought I'd go to the theatre, but afore got there, the gripes got so strong that had to go behind a meetn' house and lay down and holler. Arter while I got up ar went into shop an eat half dollars wuth of billed isters, with four pickled cowcumbers, and wound up with a glass of brandy. Then went into the theatre an seed the plays, but felt so that couldn't See any fun in lem, for don't think the isters and cowcumbers done me any good. sot down, laid down, and stood up, but still it went on, gripe. gripe. l groaned all the time, an once in while I was l obliged to screech kinder easy. Everybody l stared at me, and somebody called out turn | him out ! once or twice. But, at last, just as the nigger Orthello was going to put the pillar on his wifes face to smother her, there came such twingle through me, that really thought was bustin up, an yelled out, Oh, dear ] Oh, scissorsl' so loud, that the old theatre rang again. Such row you never seed the nigger dropped the pillar, and Deut- eronomy-or what you cali her there-his | wife, jumped off the bed and run, while every. | body in the theatre was all in muss, some l lar6n', some swearin'. The upshot of it was. l the perlice carried me out of the theatre, and ! told me to make myself scarce. Wall, as didn't feel any better, went into l . shop close by, an called for two glasses of brandy; arter swallowin' it, went hum to the tavern. sot down by the winder and tried to think felt better, but twas no go that bless ed old injins was still wallerin away inside so went out an eat quarters worth of isters. an. piece of mince pie. Then I went back an told the tavern-keeper I felt kinder sick, an thought I'd take some castor ile, a mouth fnl of cold meat, and strong glass of whiskey punch, and then go to bed. He got the fiixins' which took, an went to bed.
 But, I tell yer what, had rather poor night. Sometimes was awake groanin', and when was asleep I'd better bin awake, for had such powerful dreams. Sometimes l thought was skinnin' bear, and then, by some hocuspocus, 'twould all change t'other side to, an the tarnal crirter would be skin nin' me.
 Then. again, I'd dream that was rolliu' logs with the boys, an jest as I'd be shoutA' out nov then here she goes r everything would Dc reversed again-I was log, and the boys were pryin' me up with their hand spikes. Then I'd wake up and screech an roar-then of to sleep again-to dream that Spanker had run away with me, or that father was whoppin me. or some other plaguey thing, till morniin
 When I got up, hadn't any appetite fol breakfast, and the tavern-keeper told me that if was going to carry on, screamin' and groanin'. as had the night afore, my room was better than my company.
 !