The evening telegraph. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1864-1918, 1864-10-22
FUNNY JOTPIN9g.

| can't sec the enemy.
"A blind man, like a newspaper, requires
leading article.
why are pretty girls like oatmeal cakes
! Because they give the heartburn.
They who think there Is no vacuum in mature
forgeta cOquettes heart and q beaus skull.
Ladies should never put pins In their mouths
| Their lips should be roses without tbOrns
If the cat had wings, no bird would be left il
| the air. IL every man had what he is wishing
| who would have anything
Pack your cares in as small o space as yot
! can, so that you can carry them yourself and MOI
| let them annoy others.
1t is a popular delusion to believe thai
| powder on lady's face has the same effect %,
! that in a musket-namcly, to go off.
TO be well gloved aud well booted is said tC
| DC the mark of gentleman; but with gloves al
thrGe dollars and boots at eighteen, none but thC
well salarled can afford even to "kCep up appear
anccs."
"A lady said 10 her husband that she had read
the "Art of Love" Just to make herself agreeable
TO him.4"l had rather have your love without the
art" he replied.
Some mischieyous wag ono night pulled
down turner's sign, and put it over a lawyers
door; in the morning iG read, "All sorts Of turn.
ing and twisting done here"
We walked to church on Sunday morning
behind "the girl with hole in the heel of her
stocking" She probably knew of IL on Sntur.
holo-y.
The following toast was recently proposed AZ
tremans dinner :-"Ihe lades-Their ewes
kindlc the only flames which we cannot extin-
guish, and against which there is no insurance "A
Douglas Jcrrod once said to an ardent youpr
gentleman, who was anxious TO sec himself ia
print, ''Be advised by me, young man, don't take
down the shutters before there is something in
the window"
A young lady, visiting in a genteel family,
asked the tootman for potato at dinner John
made no response. The request was rcpeatcd
WDen John, putting his mouth to her ear, said,
very audibly, "There's just twa in the dish, and
they must be kccpit for the strangers"
Two lawyers in Lowell, returning from court
the other day, one said to the other, "Ive a
notion to join Rev. Mr.. IS church; been de-
batting the matter for some time. What do you
think Of IL ]" "Woudn't do it," said the othet
"Well, why ]" because it could do Won no
possible good, while it would be great injury TO
the church."
We would exhort all parents if you regard
the welfare and happiness of your children in
this world merely, teach them bepevolence, and
train them in habits Of boncvoence. If you
desire that they may be kind to you when
you are old, strive to enlarge their hearts
If they arc taught to love their neighboras them
selves, they never can be unkind to their own
flesh.
Our Simon, who is not at all backward in
coming forward, perpetratCd another good thing
a day or two since. AS ne and friend were
standing ON the corner, Il tine-looking horse
passed lSisurely by. "That horse is a happy
creature" said his friend "fOr he 5 got no notes
to pay tomorrow" "Not so happy as you sup
pose" replied Simon, "for he's got his checks
and drafts to meet"
An 'Idea Modeller" writes Il was teaching
school in quiet country village. The second
morning OF the season found leisure TO note my
surroundings, and among the scanty furniture I
seized three-lcgged stool. ais that the Ounce 8
block - said to a little girl OF five. The eyes
sparkled, and the curls nodded assent and the
lips rippled out, 81 guess sO-the teachers always
sit on that"
Sir Thomas Waldo, on leaving the house of a
noble Duke, where he had dned, contributed to
the inSolence and coyetousness of train of SCR
wants who lined the hall. Upon placing a crown in
the hand of the cook, the man returned il saying,
81 don't take silver" Don't you ?" said the
Baronet, "then don't give gold" and returned
the five shilling9 to his purse.
Some village traders envying q pedder who,
they thought, was doing trade with their Gus
toners, questioned him whether che had license
to SELL" "A license to sell no. certainly not ="
quoth John; wherCupon they dragged him, 1aoe5g
rotchS, before his worship the justice. On being
regularly interrogated whether he was duly
licensed, John sang cut Justify, 'In coorse / has
here you are, exhibiting her Mpjesty's license;
WhCreupOn his prosecutors accused him of having
lled and traudulcntly misled them. "BOsh! !"
Cned the pcddlerj you asked me if l had
1
tcld you had not. do not wish to sell it; l
want 1t for my own use"
soHETHNG LIKE "SocGAL SCIENCE, Tile
public schools of Buffalo Offer prizes 10 the young
lady pupils for the best loayes of bread.
lRIsHMAK' siPosTsCRPT-'Ifyo You don't receive
this letter, let me know, and l will see the post
master"
Too MANY CooKs.-Elwes, the noted miser,
used TO say, off you keep one servant, your work
Is done; if you keoptwo, it is half done; and if
you Keep three, you may aO g0uySeJ."
A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN David Purcell, the
famous punster, was desired TO make pun oX-
tGImpore; Upon what subject" :" said David
"lhe KING" answered the other, "Ohl sir
said he, "thc ki"g is no Subject"
Does Fortune smile, how grateful It must prove
10 Tread life 8 pleasing round with one we love
Or does she tfoWn The fair, with softening art
VIII sOothe our woes, or bear a willing part.
CURE FOR A FELoN.-As soon as the part
begins TO swell, get the tiDcture oflObela, and
wrap the part affected with cloth, saturate it thor
ou2hly with tinCture, and the telOn is dead. An
ola physician has known this 10 cure scores of
eases, and it never fails if applied in season.
A DOCTOH's REAsON--A practitioner bsinr
asked by his patients why be put up so many in
gIedlenls into Bis prescriptions, is said TO have
answered, more tacetiously than phlOsophi-
caliy-"ln order that the disease may take
which it likes best"
SELl-LoyE THE MOTIVE OF OUR BEST ACTIONS
1t 10 allowed that the cause OF most actions
good or bad, may be resolved into the love OF
ourselves; but the selt-l0ye Of others is wholly
employed IN pleasing themselves. This makes
the great distinction between virtue and vice
Religion is the best motive Of all actions, vet
religion is allowed 10 be the highest instance of
scltlOye.-SiciH.
HUMAN DRUDGEs.-Whcn a man is patient
and humble, and canJented with little, he is
almost invariably the butt and the drudge Of
4 vii