Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1864-02-10
noesticks on 6 Cheek.,

Q. 4. Philander Doesticks, P. b., as Mr..
Mortimer Thompson is generally known, is
now engaged in the pleasant business of lee
turing on the subject of CHEEK.
Promising that "honesty is the best policy
that is, Il you have any honesty the lee
turcr humorously, describes the difficulties
with which he has been beset in his attempt
to write lechre, which he had determined
to do for the purpose Of making his fortune,
going round about the country delivering it.
He didn't wish to take the "Fall of Rome"
for if it had been falling as fellows had been
going round lecturing about it, it must have
got clear to the bottom by this time neither
did he wish to make martyrs Of his audience.
Then he saw in newspaper what he thought
would be good subject-that Mr.. Napoleon,
of Paris, France, had been talking a great
deal too much about the Latin Race, but,
when he came to look at it, he couldn't find
out who the Latins are, where their race came
off, or what gait they struck.
So, then, after all, he thought it would be q
good thing to talk about check" and he
should be his own horrible example, and save
the expense of dcbased associate to travel
with him. He hoped no young ladies had
fancied that this was intended to be lecture
on preserving the complexion of the cheek,
and that he would have fifty cent bottles OF
"Eyening Dew," or something of the sort,
to sell. If he had any bottles of dew, they
would be more likely to be filled with that
kind of dew mentioned in the ancient history
of Ireland, as "Mountain Dew," which he
had heard was a good thing to do"
"Chcek," in physical sense, he had
nothing to do with what he meant was a
mental quality, or rather several qualities
ctfrontery, impudence, assumption, unblush-
ing brass.
As instances of this Cheek" he quoted
the young lawyer who, laying his hand as
nearly upon his heart as he can at short no
tice, declares, upon his honor as gentleman
and lawyer, that he believes his horse thiei
client to be an innocent man of the most
spotless character, when he knows him to
have been guilty Of not only this particular
quadrupcdal theft, but that he has been
guilty of petty larceny every day of his life
since he was ten years old; also, the young
doctor who gave patient five drops of lager
beer in a gallon Of water three times an hour
to cure a broken leg, when he didn't know
what else to do, and was afraid the opposition
doctor would get the case; and the young
editor who, happening by accident to be
where a missionary collection was being
taken up, dropped his card into the contriba-
tion plate, with the explanation that he, be-
ing an editor, was on the " free list, but
would aid the society by furnishing his paper
athalf price to the heather, the heathen to
bear the difference in exchange.
The cheek of the servant girl, the contrac-
tor, the citizen soldier, the Brigadier- General
who can't swear that he knows the difference
between the pommel of a saddle and seven
dollars and half; the kind that Old Abe
makes to amuse himself after dinner-all
were felicitously discussed to the great amuse-
ment of the audience.
The subject grew so fast before the lecturer
that he felt he could only talk in a rambling
way about check, for he could not hit all the
heads of cheek, even if he lived long enough
to take command of the Army Of the POto-
mac, though, on second thoughts, he was
afraid they had almost got down TO his name
now, it seemed as if it was the intention to
give every man in the country chance to
try his hand at that job. He, however, satir-
lied well the matrimonial cheek, kept for
public observance; the ehoncy-moon-ialc cheek,
kept for private consumption alone; and
lovers cheek, with the articles, deceptions,
and various developments Of cheek in each,
The cheeks of old maids he mercilessly eX-
posed, heartlessly ikening the old maid to a
dried up lemon-somcthing made to be
squeezed, but which has missed its destiny
The eagerness Of this class of beings, since
patriotism and large bounties had carried of
the young men to such an alarming extent
had become something dreadful. A man in
New York dare hardly say, Madam, you
have dropped your handkerchief" for fear oi
being sued for breach Of promise early mex,
morning.
After Othello, that military contraband
(wonder if Lincoln didn't get the idea of his
dingy soldier boys from him , had spent an
hour in stabbing, smothering, and otherwise
numbering, the partner of his dusky bosom,
he exclaimed, "Wife? wife, l have nc
Wife" No man need say SO nowadays, for
he could have one at an hours notice by the
town clock.
Civilians, aping military men, chivalric
Southrons, fancying one Chiv Southron a
match for five Yankees, and many other
equally good subjects, were each remember
ed by the lecturer with much humor. Sand
wiched among them were pleasant hits at the
Secretary of the Navy (who, it was expected,
would hear of the capture of the Chesapeake
in a few weeks, and send out few canal
boats, mud scows, and pile-driyer in swift
pursuit,) and the blockadefs off Wilmington.
A fine specimen Of check was the protest oi
the Charlestonians against the use Of Greek
fire, when on the same day they had sent out
a boat to affix submarine torpedo to the
Ironsides, hoping to blow her, with the hun
dred and ten mcn on board, into atoms
Another was the professcd neutrality of Eng
land-hugc, titantic cheek-thcy all the while
sending the Alabama and soldiers to aid the
rebels. The check of the woman, who, with
an extensive wardrobe, looks her husband
square in the eye and tells him she has moth
ing to wear to opera or ball the cheek Of the
theatrical or operate manager whose last
"star " is always the brightest; the cheek Of
the patent medicine man, the novelist, the
cheap boarding house keeper, the gambler,
and scores Of other characters, were they not
all treated fully, ably and apPreciatiyely by
the humorous lecturer, who, in conclusion,
cited himself as an exemplifcation of his
subject" Cheek"