The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1864-04-27
McGREGOR IOWA, WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27 1864
Cure OF q Cold.

We don't know if Brick" ever wrote
the following mess Of fun, never having
seen it in his lively, devil-may care Demo-
crat of La Crosse, but it is credited Cor
chargea) to him by the Sunday Wercury'
and presuming our readers would like to
know the latest remedy for bad cold we
give it to them. Strange medicine for an
editor to take, but we presume Brick was
afflicted last fall when the river was low
and water had to be econoinized. We trust
our Home6pathist friends in medicine nor
our Allopathist friends in whiskey will not
object to the tenor Of the recipe:
81 have been very sick. 1t was cold.
| A dab bad cod id dc ed. | came near going
for to quit. went so far down the lane, it
was a grave question whether it were best
to retrace or trace ahead. 1t was our cold;
| | caught it ever so e;.sy. The fire went out.
The lamp tlickcred low. The kitchen clock
tolled the death of the day as told the girl
that l loved her. The clock struck as the
idea struck me | vas getting cold. told
| the girl so. We sot on a sofa. Said she,
"sit up closer.' In her lap we laid our
head Who cared for a little cold. We
talked of lots. We talked low, because we
were down stairs caught the cold, but
not the girl. Then went to doctor. A
doctor of physic; so | meta pl ysic! How
do you like that joke? He felt Of my
tongue and looked at my pulse; said | was
sick Told me to 60 home, soak my feet.
cover up in bed, eat nothing for week, and
be WELL Gaye him five dollars, and saw
my landlord. He said no deductions could
be made on board, so | couldn't follow my
| physics advice. Then | saw another doc
tor. He told me to take two bottles of hot
drops, bed-blanket covered with mustard,
AMI go to bed Told him | didn't want
hot drop till l dropped in forever Told
him didn't want to be mustered in that
wav Told him didn't want to 60 to bed.
Then saw another Knight Of the Scalpel.
1t was the same nj ght that saw him,
though He told me to take codlivcr oil
and honey. Told him had no cod-ver.
Then he said must eat cold talow. Said
I: THAT never agrees with me-" Then he
told me to eat fat beef I thought him a
humbug, and went elsewhere. Thought
I'd try the cold water plan. Eminent hy-
drantopothist tod re to soak my head in
ice water; soak my feet in ice water sit
in barrel Of ice water two hours; bathe
my back in ice water cat pounded ice till
| sweat, and I'd feel better. Good way to
get up sweat, but then it would have
spoiled a skating pond to have done it.
Another doctor told me to use dumb
bells. Supposing he meant a deaf and dumb
girl, declined.
Another Esculapins told me the Homeo
pothist style was all the rage. Gave me
five thousand little pills, marked A. Gave
me five thousand more little pills, marked
B. Gave me five thousand more little pills,
marked G.. Told me to take one pill in a
pail of water every five minutes; to take
another pill iii two pals of water every four
minutes. Told me to take half af another |
pill in five pals of water every two minutes.
Took two pills and went to the river Hired
boy to dip up and pour down. Emp'ied
the river in ten minutes. Changed my base
to a young lake and went at it awain. Cold
didn't improve, that is, the cold didn't i'm
improve me. Went home mad. Gave IA 900 |
pills to chap who pilfercd chickens from
the barn. He still lives.
Another docter told me to take calOmel |
Another one told me to drink hot whisky
How do you Ike that? Two good doctors.
Glad | met physics in such spirits. Sent
two barrels of whisky to my room. First
tried a pint of ho, whisky. 1t loosened my
eyes. Then | tried pint Of cold whisky.
1t fixed them all right. Then moved with
great vigilance upon pint Of hot whisky.
1t loosened my legs. Then threw my left
flank around pint of cold whisky. Felt
better. Then | tried some hot whisky.
Fine doctors Rather like them both. Tried
some more cold whisky. 1t affected my
head somewhaty. Tried another pint OF
hot whisky. Very fine doctors-know just
how to cure cold. Shall employ them by
the year. Tried two plnts of cold whisky.
Began to feel better; felt like another man.
tried two pints more Of hot whisky felt
like two other men. Fine doctors love
them quitely. Kept on with the whisky
felt like three or four new men; but there
never lived such good doctors. Tried half
a quart Of cold whisky mixed with half a
quart Of hot ditto; ditto always means
whisky. Felt better; fel, like company
of new men. Tried to get in line; formed
in the shape of hollow square on the floor.
Took some more whisky; don't remember
whether it was hot or cold, or cold or hot.
felt much better. Passed vote of thanks
to the physicians; felt better. Drank to
their health; got the whisky mixed. Felt
like brigade Of new men. Tried to sur
round my enemy. Moved upon his works
and he gave me battle. Took another po-
siton. Threw my entire corps to the front.
Attacked the commissary camp, and took
a pint Of whisky prisoner. Fine doctors
like their way of curing colds. A good
way; was five days provingit to be good
way. Hair pulled little, but it was on
account Of the cold. They said I'd feel
like new man, and believe them. When
you have cold try the new style.