The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1864-05-05
Josh Billings on Cats.

shall make all coming time bright with the
glory of this?
- -
Josh Billings on Cats.
have studdyed cat clussly for years, and
have found them adikted tew wild state.
They hain't got affekshun, nor vartue of
emmy kind; tina will skratch their best friends
and won't ketch mice unless they are hungry.
1t has been sed that tina are good to make
up into sassages; but this IL CRATE mistake
have bin told by a sassage maker that
tina can't kompare with dorgs.
Thare liz one thing sartin, tina are very
anxious tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out,
and hang him up bi the tale, and az soon az
you are out ov site he will manage few turn
a back somerset and cum around awl rite
in fiji days. If one gifts carried oph in
bag bi mistake CRATE ways into the kuntry,
tina won't sta lost onla a short time, but soon
appear tew make the family happy with
their presence.
Old maids are very fond ov cats, for the
reason | suppose that cats never marry If
tina hav ever so good chanse Thare il
one thing about catz | don't like, il yu
step on theer tales bi acksident tina git mad
rite oph, and mak CRATE fuss about it.
Thare il another thing abowt them which
makes them good investment for poor
folks. A pair of cats will yield each year
without any outlay, something like eight
hundred per cat. 1t IL a very singular fact
that cats don't like a mill pond, inever knu
one tew get drowned bi acksident
Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be again
thare religgun tew tutch soap, Cats and
dorgs have never been able tew agree on the
main question, that both seem tew want the
affirmatiff side tew onst. | think if could
hav mi way there wouldn't b any more cats
born, unless tina could sho a certificate Ov
good moral karakter Thare is one more
thing about catzs which seems tew me tew
be awl affectashun and that IL maxim SIGH
devilish noise under fellows window
nights and then kal it musk. If /
was tew hav mi choice between a cat
and striped snake, would take the snake
belause i could git rid oy the snake bi
lettin him go Thare amt no sartan wa to
xii cat, if yu git one wurked up intew
sassage and you think yu are awl rite Jlst
az likely az not tina will com tn and take
off lot ov gud sassage with them. These
are mi views abowt catz, rather hastily nov
tugether, and if / haint ced enuff agin them
| it IL onla bekause lack the informashun.
The nightcap would be the cap of lib
erty if it were not for curtain lectures.
The pen tipped with delicate courtesies
hath quickened more joy than woman's
smile.
Who were the first gamblers? Adam and
Eve. They threw pair-o'-dice for an APP
pie
Young ladies if you have got a beau to
dispose of, now's your chance-expose him
to the draft.
| Why is the treadmill like true convert?
Because its turning is the result Of the mans
conviction.
A Soldier III one of the Kentucky camps
saws the motto with them is: 'United we
sleep, divided we freeze"
Il feel" said all old lady, 'that I've got
about through with this world. shant en-
JOY much more trouble"
'.You should be ashamed to snore So
''Oh' it is entirely unintentional; never do
it with my eyes open.
81 hate to hear people talk behind ones
back as the pickpocket said when the con-
stable called ''stop thief !"
A wag rose from his bed on the 3lst Of
last August, and exclaimed; "This is the
last rose of summer" Shocking
| In a Dutch translation Of Addison's Cato,
the words 'Plato' thou reasoneth well, are
rendered: Just so--you are right. Myu-
heer Plato.
Beautiful was the reply of venerable
man to the question, whether he was still
in the land of the living: mo, but am al
most there"
1t is a source of great comfort to a man
with but dollar in his pocket to know that
if lie cannot invest in FIVE -twenties he can
in twenty-fyes. aea
Dr. Franklin says that every little frag
ment of the day should be saved Oh, yes,
the moment she breaks set yourself to work
to save the pieces
"WelI Robert, how much does your pig
weigh p
1T didn't weigh as much as | expected,
and always thought it wouldn't
When does the House Of Congress present
most ludicrous spectacle
When its ayes eyes are on one side and
it's noes (nose) on the other. M -
A wag seeing lady at party with
low necked dress and bare arms, expressed
his admiration by saying she ''out stripped"
the whole party. a.%. tse
What plan,' said one actor to another
shall | adopt to fill hehouse at my benefit,
.Gnyite your creditors !" was thesurly re-
lply.
Dut2hman Of another, while engaged in
angling. ,..,
Ono. noting at all"
Vell," re turned the other, noting pite
me, too"
Taking an enemy into ones mouth to
steal away his brains, isn't 30 bad as swim
ding friend. You had better take in an
enemy than friend.
In the old temples, oracular revelations
were received in sleep. A great many peo-
pie seem to seek for oracular revelations in
the same condition in our modern churches.
My friend has great reverence for
the truth, said a baronet to a gentleman.
so | perceive" was the reply !" for he
always keeps respectable distane from
lit"
c