Evansville daily journal. (Evansville, Ind.) 1863-1866, 1863-11-16
ArtemuS Ward EN- route to CaIifOr.
MIA.

Artemus Ward en- route to Califor.
MIA.
Artemus lectured in PHILADELPHIA last
week. The following are a few of his
hits:
l do not come here for the purpose of
lnstructlng anybody. | shall not ignore
the little people, little boys, or little
girls. ike little girls; / like big girls
Just as we'll / do not desire you to re-
gard these PREDATORY remarks as at all
apologize. | was never embarrassed
but once in my life; the circumstance is
secret, profound secret; l know it
will go no farther, there are so MANY Ia
dies present 1t is said the rolling stone
gathers no moss. don't see what good
that would do the rolling stone. 1 don't
see what the rolling stone wants to gath
er moss for As for rising with the lark.
prefer to rise with gold Some people
say that rocks are like stones. For nv
part prefer to be rocked to sleep rather
than to be stoned to death. I intend to
go to California by way of the sea; |
should like to go by way of the Missis-
sippi, because the way is freel TIm-
mense applause
At the close of one of my bursts of
eloquence, one gentleman was observed
to leave the hall; he was very much
aao0ed. Eloquence is like gingerbread
you only want one hnnls of It al tiru,o.-
Those people who deride the present era
would have derided Noah and his ark,
although he offered them dead-head tick
cts | might have lectured upon Brig
ham Young | don't know much about
him, except that he resides in Utah and
is rather married; he has a mother-in-
law, which is good thing to have. l
might have lectured to you upon astron-
Omy, and mentioned the stars, among
which the most prominent is the South
ern cross, which is a mulatto Instead
of lecturing on physical culture, thought
of England for lecture. I think Eng
land deserves a lecture I thought Of
music. I'd give my best head of hair
and it's good head of although,
as the soldier said to his lady-love, It's
hard to part-[great applause Ito write
well on that.
A young and very unmarried lady
whom L once knew, of about ffty-two
soHHers or sOmeUheres, about there,
used to sing,
''AIy heart Is throbbing,"
and | sweetly said, s'Let it throb." I
might have lectured on Africa. There
are no rioters there, and there is a gen.
eral disposition to see the draft in force.
You viii permit me to say few words
about people who put on airs. 1 revere
Bunker Hill, and sometimes when I am
IN Boston l stop at the Revere House. l
own farm in the State of Maine. |
should Ike to sell it l have a grand
mother-two grandmothers-and l love
them Indeed, we ought to like our re-
lations-not, indeed, our foreign rela-
tons, except Russia. You remember
the remark of a New Jersey magistrate,
about four clock one afternoon. a am
glad habeas corpus is suspended at last
The old ought to have been hung
years ago..
There is one good thing in speaking
OF SO many good topics in so short a
space of time, you don't dwell long on
any of them. Like the yellow fever, it
don't detain you long Ambition IS a
very good thing in its way; Alexander
Wept, as you, no doubt, have been in
formed, because he had no more worlds
to conquer, and if he were alive now, no
doubt he would weep again and be ap-
pointed to brigadiership. Poetry never
occurred to me as a subject for a lee
ture. lfsome of our newspaper rhymers
had been hens, their LAYS might have
been OF more profit to the market. There
were two new subjects which | intended
to grapple with; but able minds do not
grapple in my family Those two sinh
jects are Slavery and Temperance VIII
you listen to me for four hours on Slave.
ny and temperance? l might lecture
on Love, Courtship, Matrimony &c
There are unpleasant marriages. and
there will be as long as unpleasant peo-
pie continued to get married. In all
marriages there are squalls.
Of course, in all marriages YOU must
look out for squalls Great laughter.
To me absurd people are most refresh
ing Among these is the old maid that
objected to a mansion because it had NOT
a bow window in it. The laugh comes
in, ladies and gentleman, at the word
OOto.- L dAl ISltdOt| 1uiOElileU mat Dos
ton has most beautiful statuary. | know
it from what seen in Rome-I aIlude IL
Rome on the Pennsylvania Railroad
where they stop every ten minutes fol
retreshment. Now, with your permits
sion, we viii talk about the restoration
of the Union | have some convictions
on the subject, obtained in the midst of a
checkered career don't know exactly
what eheckered career is, but use the
phrase because it sounds we'll Those
men who would pull the Union clock tc
pieces will fail, and find their endeavors
shattered beneath the lightning stroke Of
the popular will Ladies and gentle
en-. | expect to lecture in San Francis
California, about four weeks from to-
Tickets admitting to this lecture
admit to that. free of avnansa