Litchfield enquirer., 1863-12-10

" JosH BILLINGS. s."-Artemus Ward will have to look sharp for his laurels. Josh Billings is after him nip and tuck, and it will soon be a matter of some doubt which is ahead. Josh 's Essa on the Mule'' is as nice specimen of the ludicrous and grotesque as we have seen for many day
 The mule is half hozs and half iackass, and then comes to full stop, natur discovering her l mistake. Ina weigh more. accordin to their heft, than enny other kreeter, except crow bar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the boss, yet their ears are big enough for SHOW shoes. You kant trust them with enny one whose life isn't worth more than the mules. The only wa to keep them in a paster is to turn them into medder jinein, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use just as soon as tha will do to abuse. Ina hant got enny more friends than Chatham street jew and will live on huclileberry brush, with an oc- casional chase after kanada thissels Tha are a modern invenshun don't think the bible deludes to them at all. Tha sell for more than enny other domestic animale. You kant tell their aige by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould Mexican's bannon's. Fha never had no disease that club won't heel. If tha ever die, tha must come to life agin, for never heard nobody sa "ded mule" :" Ina are like sum men, very korrupt at hart j; i've known them to be good for six months, just to git chance to kick sumboddy. 1 never owned one. nor never mean to, unless there is United States law passed requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt is because they are ashamed of theirselves. have seen eddicated mules in . cirkus-tha would kick and bite tremenjs. would not say what am forced to sa agin the mule. ifhis birth want an outrage, and he aint to blame for it.
 Enny man who is willin to drive mule ought to be exempt by law from runnin for the legisatur Tha are the strongest creeturs on arth, and heaviest accordin to their size herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path on the kanawl an sunk, as soon as he touched the bottom, but kept rite on towin the boat to the next stashun, breathin through his ears, which was out of water about 2 feet 6 inches. didn't see this but an auctioneer told me ov it, and never knew an auctioneer to lie unless he could make something out ov it.
 Josh is equally and originally droll in the editors chair. Hear Sir Oracle his An swers to Correspondents :"
 Fred.-You an't obliged to ask gals mother if yu ma go:home with her from par tee git the gals endorsement, and go in ; it is proper to ask her to take your arm, but you aint got no rite to put yure arm around her waste, unless you meet a Bear on the road, and then you are bound to take your arm ava jest as soon us the Bear gifts safely by.
 Wbip,-Yu are rite, mules live to long age I've known then myself to live one hun dred years and not half tri. Yu are also rite about their bein sure-footed I've known them to kick a man twice in second, ten feet oph
 Gertrude.--Your inquiry stumps me. The more think on it, the more can t tell. As near as l can reckolek now, think don't kno. Much might be sed both ways, and neither Wa be rite. Upon the whole, rather best, or otherwise.
 don't marry. If young Shakers fall in luv tha are sot 10 wedding onions, and 1t kures them forthwithly. kant tell yu now how much it expense use to be, inkludin havin you're hair Cut and learnin to danse, about S65
 Sportsman.-Yure inquire is not egzactly in our line, but haste to repl, us follers, to wit The rite length to cut oph dogs tail has nev-
 
 sum place back of his ears, providid, you git the dogs consent N.B.-it ain't absolutely necessary the dogs consent should be in writein.
 Kate.-I think Lord Byron was the author of the lines you speak ov twas either him or twas Capt. Kidd, one or tother. Bron wuz dreadful Timber at rtein potri, so was Kidd, and Biron wuz the limberest.
 HE WRITES STORY.
 du consider muskeeters
 The most pesky of all Gods creatures.
 hay finally ketched it. hay bin like q lam, led sudden to the slauter, and had mi bud sucked out ov me, as though it was only swete slider, and belonged to somebody else. I am a man ov peace, but, low and behold there ain't a piece in me but iz bit and puckered and tore.
 When muskeeters whisper in yure ear,
 The devils ang,ls are lowering near.
 retired last night to rest, at the usual time, on the left side ov me, and about 2 feet adia- cent wus the side ov the house. on the other side ov me, and about feet adjacent, la mi wife. l dropt to sleep as snow flake dug on the buzzum of Silvry Lake. q have faint idee that this last sentence for luvness can t be beat handy) l drear,ed good sized hot dream.
 It felt like the breath of Kanada thissel,
 Around my he'd a triing tu whissel. Suddenly woke.
 The room wus full ov yells and screams res ponsive. Flashed wildly across the room. I lit a lite. harked one ov mi most reliable harks. Awl wus stll-still az q crows nest in the ded ov winter. I gazsd gaze, as tho 1 was tryin to thred the roBg end sv kam brik neadle. Ava in the distance solatare, alone, close up to the ceilin chawing his eud, sot little gray cuss. dipped corse towel into basin ov water and rung it out. krept up under the little gray cuss-I tux aim, and fired,
 And hit the spot
 Where the little gray cuss had sot.
 Awl wuz still agin. omit the kandle--and sought mi couch.
 slept again, onla as the virtuous can sleep Soonly, alas too soonly a.
 KoNKLUDED IN OUR NEXT.
 An inventive Yankee has produced an ap-