The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1863-05-15
MISCELLANY.
From the New York Sunday Mercury.
Report on the Conduct of the War.
BY oRpHEus c. KERR.

w nat has pdftiCuid CuucdiCo thS vi
cradle Cannon to the hearts of his distracted
fellow-countrymen is, his able report OF the
manner in which the war has conducted itself
since the First of April, 1862 L cannot ex-
actly understand, my boy, how this benignant
benefactor of his species comes to know any
thing at all about military matters; nor am L
prepared to state that he had any call what
ever to report upon national strategy; but he
has issued a startling statement, and give
the whole
REPORT.
On the 1st of April, 1862, on the day imme-
diately succeeding the 3lst March in the same
year, a solitary horseman might have been
seen approaching the camp of the Mackerel
Brigade from Washington. He was youth
in the prime of life, and carried carpet-bag
containing the daily morning Journals OF that
date. Upon reaching the tent OF the General
of the Mackerel Brigade, he sought an imme-
date interview with the latter, and at once re-
vealed to him that it was repo rted in all the
morning journals, that the celebrated South
ern Confederacy had evacuated Manassas just
two weeks previously, thereby rendering an
advance upon that stronghold by our national
troops subject demanding immediate atten-
ton.
Upon discovering that this news was indeed
contained in the morning journals, the Gen
eral of the Mackerel Brigade at once ordered
report of our victory to be conveyed 10 the
Mackerels who gained it; and having made
several promotions for bravery, and telegraph
ed to the excellent Democratic Organization
in New York that he had rather capture Man
assas than be President of the United States
In 1866, he ordered an immediate advance upon
Manassas. The advance took place without
confusion or dismay, and on the following
morning Captain William Brown electrified
the whole nation with magical words:
I'VE have met the enemy and they are hours
ahead of u.s."
broken, the General of the Mackerel Brigade
wrote to Honest Abe at Washington, as fol-
lows:
"DEAR SIR,-I have at length successfully
surprised the stronghold of Manassas, and con-
slider myself strong enough to continue the
war, if you can send me a few more troops. If
you can spare 10000 under Sergeant O'Pake
and $4,000 under Col Wobert Wobinson, from
the deienses at Washington, can wait for the
other hundred thousand until | push forward
again
This was on the fourth of April. Owing TO
continual storms, and the difficulty encounter
ed in procuring umbrellas for the troops, the
Mackerel Brigade was enabled to advance but
thirty-three and a half feet during the ensuing
four months, during which time several State
CltcLiUUS tOOk place.. Ou tllc fOuTLu Oh July,
the Honest Abe addressed the following note
TO the General of the Mackerel Brigade:
"GENERAL,-By your plan OF drawing
troops away from Washington, the capital
will be left with fewer soldiers than it now
possesses; and if the capital is weakened, it
follows, very clearly, that it will not be
strengthened. My plan is directly the reverse
of your plan, so that your plan is Immediately
opposite to my plan. Allow me to ask you the
following questions:
Il. If your plan is different from my plan,
how can my plan be the same as your plan?
III. II my plan does not agree with your
plan wherein does your plan, assimlate with
my plan?
Eli. If your plan and my plan are not the
same plan, how can my plan and your plan be
one plan?
Nv. Ifmy plan, by opposing your plan,
shows that my plan is not at all like your plan,
how can your plan by differing from my plan
save Washington according to my plan, which
is not your plan? II. ABE"
Both plans were adopted, and in the course
OF the succeeding two months the Mackerel
Brigade shot a couple OF Coniederacies. Short
Iy alter this, it was decided that an advance
should be made upon the city of Paris by way
of Duck Lake, the iron-pated squadron of
Rear Admiral Head being detailed from the
blockade TO take the Mackeres across, as soon
as q uCdNy idtu SuOuiu udkt Lut lake 100 ueeD
for navigation by personal wading. The troops
were at the landing at tile appointed time, aud
were about to embark in good order, when it
was discovered by the negro servant of one of
the officers, that they had forgotten to bring
any ammunition with them, and that the IRON
plated squadron had not arrived. This unfor-
tunate discovery made it necessary for the
Mackerel Brigade TO fall back thirty-three and
a half feet, and the General thus wrote TO the
Honest Abe at Washington:
DEAR SIR-Yhe safety of this army depends |
entirely upon its immediate reinforcement by |
all the troops at Washington, as my plan Is en-
tirely different from your plan, aud your plan
differs somewhat from my plan. The mpor-
lance of saving Washington by your plan, is as
nothing when compared with the opposite ten
or of my plan; which might, after all be the
saving Of Washington by my plan; though my
plan does not agree with your plan. / will
stay with this army, and die with il, il need be,
by my plan.
The GEN'L OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
Both plans were put in force, and during the
period elapsing between this date and the mid
die of November, the troops were busily occu-
pied In terrifying themselyes-against the in
OF the weather. Arrangements be-
ing made and completed for the decent inter-
ment of such troops as should die of old age
before the next great movement took place,
The General of the Mackerel Brigade lad Just
opened correspondence with his family on the
subject OF the Presidency OF the United States
IN 1855, when he received the appended note:
GENERAL-You will feel Immediately re-
lieved upon receiving this, and will report i'm
to your wife at Hoboken. Colonel
Wobert Wobinson is hereby ordered to take
command Of the Mackerel Brigade.
ADJUTANT.
Upon the assumption of the command by
General Wobinson it was Immediately observ-
ed that he possessed a great deal of Shape.
He crossed Duck Lake upon his Shape, and in
pursuance Of the plan of his predecessor, OPEN
ed an instant attack upon Paris. Shortly af-
ter, the whole Brigade was back across Duck
Lake again, and the new General sent his re-
signation to Washington. II was refused, as
and the General then devised |
plan for startling the whole country, by organ |
izing the Anatomical Cavalry upon an eques-
TRAN basis, and making raid upon some Con-
federate oats known TO be somewhere in the |
daily Journals.
The secret of this movement was conlded
TO but three persons-the Honest Abe, the
Southern Coniederacy and the Public; but
before this move could take place it was divulg-
ed and frustrated. The General than sent
in his resignation, which was refused as unnec-
essary. 1t was subsequent to this that third
great movement was arranged when shower
came up suddenly, and it had to be abandoned.
1t was upon this occasion that the General sent
in his resignation, when ii was refused as I'M
necessary. simultaneously, as it were, the
officer popularity known as the Grim Old Fight
ing Cox was appointed to the command. and
here our exciteing tale ends for the present
If fhp above racord of a yea IF tho wa uras.