The Abingdon Virginian. [volume] (Abingdon [Va.]) 1849-1883, 1863-04-03

their legs tangin out? Sure anuf, ses |, SO
they has, but what makes the people wear
SIGH long hats when sheep-fur is SO scace, and
what DO they git SO high up in 'em for? Lis
ten, and I'll tell you, ses he. When the Yam
KEGS come this side of Blountvile tother week,
the people got skeered and run so fast they
lost their hats, and as there was no other sort
in the stores but these long old fashioned ones,
they had to git 'em, or 60 bare-headed. Now
mind your promise, ses he, and don't tell no.
body, for if they find out | told you they'll
kill me as dead as Judy Cesar. I won't tell
it, ses /, and I'll keep that secret if it busts
me.
Well, Mister editor, ses l. what about the
perlitical news? | see Gov. McMullin has rit
you letter and wants to go to Congress agin.
Why, yes, SEES he, kind in him, isn't it, to Of
fer to sarve the people twenty years more
without bein axed; but for my part, if / hadn't
foolishly committed myself to Mister Dunn,
I'd 20 for Isaac Booher of Beaver Creek. Bris-
toll, you see, is a big place. and it's bound to
spread and git bigger. That stream Of water
you see down yander is one branch Of the Mas
sasippy river, and if it keeps on GROWN az
fast as it has since I've bin Twin here and we
can git Isaac Booher into Congress, can't
see any reason why we mayn't have steam
boats, and herrin fisheries, and oyster-beds,
and gunboats. and sea sarpins, and mare
maids, and everything else that lives or swims
in any other branch of the Massasippy. If
any branch has this right they all has, and if
they all has, this branch has. and if it has,
Bristol has right to be seaport. This is
logical reasonin, Mister Horner, and if you
don't believe it I'll prove it in my paper.
I don't dispute your persition. Mister edi-
tor, ses l. for in this agin, as you are in every
thing, you are as clear as mud; but | must be
knockn round to see If can't git some pints
for the Abingdon Virginian. See here. Mis-
ter Horner. ses he, why don't you rite for my
paperf Myscirculatin medium is as wide as
all outdoors. and more people reads my pa
per than all the rest of the papers put together.
and the reason of it isl gives news they can't
git in any other paner from Chiney to Hotten-
tut, ard from Paperville to the Montesumies..
And that amt all.-I gifts news that never did
happen, and sich sensations as can give peo-
pie never was.felt since Moses waded through
the Red Sea without rollin up his britches.
I Stop! stop! Mister editor, ses |. don't kill
yourself talkin so fast, for I'm satisfied, and
if Coale & Barr don't print my letters faster
than they have bin doin it, I'll git you to print
'em. So he quit talkin about his paper, calm
it his's, like he had no partner, and him and
me went to santerin round Jist fernent the
Depo seed big pile of dirt, and men diggin
ard THROWN it up. What's that for, Mister
editor? ses l. To kill the Yankees, ses he
How'll that kill the Yankeesf ses |. Why.
ses he, when the Yankees come agin they'll
come right up that road yander from Blount-
vile like they did before, and when they git
up close anuf we'll let Loose our spontoons
and knock down the Depo, and the shed, and
Squire Johnson's store, on 'eu1, and SIGH q
smash-up as we'll make on 'em never has bin
made since Gineral Joshua of old blowed down:
the walls of Babylon with Sleeps horns. But.
ses /, it amt in the right place, and you'll hurt
the town heap wuss than you'll IL hurt the
Yankees. Yes it is in the right place. ses he.l
that's strategv-we'll knock the houses down
on 'em, and kill as many as Sampson did
when he pulled down the pillars of the Court;
House at Plilistines. But. SEES L maybe the
Yankees will come round the back way, and
then what good will your spontoons do when
they're pinted tnther way? No difference, ses
he, we'll knock the town down anyhow, and
if we can git 'em in these works, we'll gin 'em
he'll. Why BIZ, Mister editor, SEES /, have you
got to swearin since you've bin livin in.Bristol?
God forgive me. ses he, hut let me explain a
little: When lived in Tazewell, / went to
the Court House 50 much got to fibbin. and
when felt spell comm on / took to eatin
chesnuts as fast as | could, and that sorter
broke me. To keep from swearin, ginerally
wear q strap buckled tight round my belly,
but eat so many sweet pertaters for dinner
to-day the strap wouldn't meet round me, and
that bad word sed jist now slipped out ac-
cidentally; but don't you tell nobody, though
for belong to all the Churches here and in
Abingdon too. and some on 'em mout want to
turn me out. What do yon beieng to so many
churches for? ses I. Why, ses he, if one church
is good to take Teller to heaven, q dozen is
better. and if there was any more churches
here I'd iine them too for I'm afraid its & lin
to be a pleggy tight squeeze with me to git to
heaven after oil. won tell it, SEES /, and with
Code blessin I'll keep the secret. Well. ses
/, what do you call this 6xin anyhow Don't
you know what a fortyfcation is? SEES he. To
be sure do, ses Its two twenty-fcations-
but what's that got to do with the question
axed? Well, SEES he, this is forty6cation,
and when tho Yankees burn the bridges agin
we'll put Gineral Marshall in here with his
pistols, and spontoons, and blunderbusses,
and the way he'll pepper 'em and tare things
to pieces will make that branch Of the Massa-
sippy down yander roll its waves to the shore
and give up its dead Mavbe SO, SEES !, but
haven't got no faith IN your pile of dirt, for
the Yankees could git on the top Of that hill
yander and tare your town and your fortyf-
cations all to pieces before cat could lick her
ear. and then what good would your spontoons
and pour pistols and your blundsrbusses do?
Look here, SEES /, the man that invented that
fxin ought to git him a pair Of feather britches