The Portage County Democrat. [volume] (Ravenna, Ohio) 1854-1868, 1863-11-25

iiew clock, the ola gentleman coutryed to
make himself very comfortable andvery hap
py; and bains keen observer he doubtless
fuily'Nn ers oed the character of his nephew.
Isl 1t was Josepli's turn now, and Uncle Simon
Twas duly installed in thespare chamber. The
| Philadelphia merchant was good liver, was
rather fond of alderhauic. fsasts, and had all
ready attained tosaldernaanic proportions, for
he weighed two hundred and twenty-five
| pounds and half without his boots-two
hundred and twenty-six and Quarter with
! them. ~ ag5.ss ts-l 5iFa .-gEI
He was fed, lodged and otherwise accom-.
bmodated as we'll as the means of his nephew
would permit. Joseph secured some great
bargains in turkeys, Chickens geese and
ducks; but some of them required a little
saleratus to pullifyz certain offensive odors
which some of the poultry exhaled. -.
Ieo Joseplps penchant for Dragging of his cheap
buying was too strong to be controlled be-
sides he took pride and pleasure in exhibiting
his shrewdness to his uncle, who would val-3
ne him all the more fer his skill. When the
market price of chickens was seventeen cents,
lie bossted of bargains at ten and twelve );
but Uncle Simon's olfactories were so keen
that he would have been willing to dispose of
the smell the fowls had for less than seven
cents pound. .,.sais55,5 ,.ls sszs2al5a G.s5l7
tsf Uncle Simon was obliged to stastnfor Phil
adelpha on the afternoon of Thanksgiving,
| taking the five O'Clock train from Boston,
Joseph and his wife invited Alfred and lady
to dine with them, and; thus finish up the
visit with becoming ectat. Great Preparations
had been made for this event, and happily
the dinner passed off very well, though pair
of roast chickens emitted villanous eff1uvia,
which compelled Uncle Simon to resort TO
stratagem to procure Their removal from the
vicinity of his nostrils. While the ladies
were attending to the disposal of the dinner
things, Uncle Simon and his nephews went
into the parlor to enjoy quiet smoke.
sfJoseph, though he did not often indulge in
the luxury of smoking, had purchased a
bunch of cigars which j ew assured him he
had smuggled from Havanna, at the rate of
sixteen dollars thousand the usual price of
that brand being sixty Uncle Simon was
connoisseur in cigars, and after trying one, he
gave it up in disgust, resorting to his own
case for a purer article. Joseph was terribly
mortified whensthc old gentleman pulled the
cigar to pieces, and proved conclusively that
three fourths of the material of which it was
composed was oak leaves
/ The Philadelphia merchant did not say a
word about his intentions, but told stories till
three O'Clock. He kept hitching mp closer
and closer to the fire, and fira'ly declared that
| he was half frozen. joseph put on more
coal, but he might as well have put on the
same quantity of paving stones, for the coal
was three parts Slate to one part combustible
matter.
Finally the visitor was so chilly that h.
got up and paced the room TO warm up his
blood Somehow the million and a half moth
worms on the carpet had been particularly
hungry, and consequently had been particu-
Slarly industrious in seeking their natural ali
naeht. A squad eff them had nearly reached
the surface. A chair leg had edged its way
through, and made an ugly hole, in which
Uncle Simon, in his vigorous walk, thrust one
of his toes, which unfortunately tripped him
up Joseph politely attemp pied to raise him; !;
but he might as well have attempted to raise
| the mastodon when in full flesh.
Uncle Simon rose himself. and not being a
member of the church, he uttered certain ex-
pletives which are only proper for rebel off
GERS and members of Congress Hewas what
in the New England vernacular would be
called "mad," and being slightly injured by
his fall, he sought the relief of sitting pos
ture. Angry men are hasty, and Uncle ST.
mon being angry, threw himself hastily and
heavily into chair. The two -ffties'' were
not calculated to sustain the weight of two
hundred and twenty-six and a quarter
pounds, multiplied into the velocity with
which the angry fat man threw himself into
the chair. 1t squelched ont like rotten pine
before tornado, and Uncle Simon was foored
again. al st
am sorry to say that more profane eiacu-
| lations escaped. his lips, accompanied with
some severe structures ON cheap furniture,
which were not at all soothing to the con-
sciousness of Mr.. and Mrs Joseph How
ever, Uncle Simon, who was not badly dam
aged by his. falls, became good -natured as the
hour for his departure drew near. He was to
leave at four in the omnibus, and when the
/ marble clock on the mantel indicated ten
/ minutes of that hour, he started for the of
fce, attended by his nephews and their wives.
On their arrival at the starting place of the
stage, they were astonished to learn that the
omnibus had been gone quarter of an hour
Alfred pulled out his watch SO did Joseph !;
so did Uncle Simon; and all three copcurred
in indicating quarter past four as the precise
"Confound your cheap clock" roared Un-
Gle Simon "It has cheated me out of going
tonight" and the old gentleman added some
/ other expressions which cannot be repeated.
f. would give thousand dollars for the IF
teen minutes your clock has lost since morn
ing. 1t will do me more damage than that
not to be in Philadelphia tomorrow noon.'
+" You shall go yet, uncle" said Alfred, and
in ten minutes more fast horse was doing
his best to convey Uncle Simon to the city
"before five."
I He was in season. and went on his way re-
joicing. Joseph and wife began to consider
whother some of his bargains We're SO glori-
4 l,,ts 5oa sucanad in