Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1863-09-03
Miscellaneous Items.

band.
You cry before you're out of the wood"
as the hute-player remarked to his last note.
=" You're "a nice duck for small party"
as the waiter whispered to the quart mould
OF Roman punch.
Dry up" as the sun said to the puddle.
=" You'll soon have fall if you run so
fast" observed the philosoper to the brook
If | do, I'm damned" replied the brook
wickedly.
:" There's one for your (k)nob," as the
guest remarked, when he jerked the bell
handle.
-" You will soon be pretty well blown"
grunted the big fiddle to the trombone, just
before the concert.
"That's nothing to the scrape you'll find
yourselfin, answered the trombone, hoarseIy.
-" AlIs well that ends WELL" as the pump
said, when it was lowered into the cistern.
LABOR LosT.-An organ-grinder playing at
the door Of deaf and dumb asylum.
SLIGHTLY CLASSICAL. They were throwing
dice.
"Ninc !" cried Yorick.
a truly Homeric cast :" observed the
Homeric? How do you :" inquired
locker on.
why's it not an oddI-see :" said the pro-
fessor, pointing to the number.
"Pon my word, professor" cried Yorick,
You do not illy-add !"
Upon which they all poured & libation to
Bacchus and proceeded with the game.
MANKIND GETTING NADER "A statistical
article announces the fearful fact, that ''whilc
the population of France has been nearly
stationary, the number of lunatcs has gone
up from twelve thousand to sixty thousand"
Will hiS tory tell us whether m0ddT-moiscIles
had anything TO do with it
TIE AMERICAN ILIAD.
Not by Thomas Caiyic.)
PAUL, of the South, (attact1,g Peter, Of tie
North, from behind ogM long hnitc)-Go to
- destruction
PETER (detectlng him just IN time, dodging tie
Uo~, and knocking hin, dom, aciM his fSt)-No,
thank you! There will you be quiet?
PACL-Ycs, if you'll set me up straight
again, and put my hat on for me, and give me
my knife and let me alone
A Coon NEGRO SroRY.-Our elder readers
have all heard the story of Sammy Usher,
who fell off the dock at Bristol, and was fished
out by the man whom of all others he disiked
Sammy was fast sinking, and his cries, grow
ing fainter and fainter, had fortunately reached
the ears of Parker Borden who generously
jumped IN and lished up the drowning man,
just III time to save his life. Sammy shook
the water from him, and turned to thank his
deliverer, when he saw in the uncertain light
that 1t was no other than his ancient foe
The gratitude depicted in his face changed at
once to Indignation and disgust ''What sort
OF a place is this town of Bristol" said he
9 that when gentlemen falls into the dock
thnpp IL DnbnJy lint
him out ?"-E,cchangc
SLEEP OyERCoMEs ALL MEN-Thc most Vi
oent passion and excitement cannot keep
even powerful minds from sleep. Alexander
the Great slept on the field of Arbela, and
Napoleon upon that OF AusterlitZ Even
stripes and torture cannot keep off sleep, as
criminals have been known to give way to it
on the rack. Noises, which at first serve to
drive it away, soon become indispensable to
It's eX' ,Cence; thus a stage coach stopDine to
chang horses, wake all the passengers The
proprietor of an iron-forge, who slept close
to the din of hammers FORCES and blast fur
naceS, would wake if there was any interrllD-
ton to them during the night; and a sick
miller, who had his mill stopped on that ac-
count, passed sleepless nights until the mill
resumed its usual noise. Homer in his Hi
ad, elegantly represents sleep as overcoming
all men, and even the gods, except Jupiter
alone.
Be Your Own RIGHT HAND MAN-PcopIe
who have been bolstercd up and lowered all
their lives are seldom good for anything in a
crisis. When misfortune comes, they look
around for somebody to cling or lean upon
If the prop is not there, down they gc Once
down they are helpless as capsized turtles, or
endorsed men in armor, and cannot find their
feet without assistance Surh Si]l,ap
fellows no more resemble selt-made men, who
have fought their way to position, making
difficulties their stepping stones and deriving
determination by defeat, than vines resemble
oaks, or spluttering rush-lights the stars Of
heaven Efforts persisted in to achievements
train man to sclf-seliance, and when he has
proved to the world that he can trust himself
the world will trnst him. We say, therefore,
that it is unwise to deprive young men of the
advantages which result from their energetic
action, by " boosting" them over obstacles
when they ought to surmount them alone.
SHARP PRAcrIcE.-Many years ago, at a
dinner-party in Glasgow, there was present
lawyer of very sharp practice fond of giving
toasts or sentiments. After the cloth was
removed, and the bottle had gone round once
or twice, the ladies withdrew to the higher
pleasures of the drawing ROOM all but very
as the conversation began to be a little mas
culine, our friend of the long robe was anx-
iouS to get rid of the ancient" and for this
purpose rather prematurely asked Thumbs
the privilege Of giving toast. This being
granted, he rose and gave the old toast Of
Honest men and bonny lasses" The toast
was drank with all honor, when the dame,
who was sitting near the lawyer, rose from her
seat, gave the lawyer poke in the ribs with
the end of her finger, and after having said,
" Mr.. -, the toast neither applies to YOU
nor me" left the room.
UNPUNCTUAL PEoPLE.-What bores they
are-what havoc they make with the precious
moments of orderly, systematic men of bust
ness. A person who is faithless to his APP
pointments may not intend to sw indie people,
but he does. To those who know how to turn
time to advantage, every hour has an appre-
ciable pecuniary value; minutes, even, are
worth so much apiece. He who robS YOU of
them, might just as we'll take so much money
from your purse The act is petty larceny or
grand larceny, according to the amount of
time he compels you to waste, and the value
OF 1t, at fair appraisal, to yourself or your
family The only capital of a large portion
of the community is time Their compensa-
ton is measured by the clock The moments
of which promise-breakers cheat them. NAV
represent in fact tie necessaries of life and
the loss of an hour may involve the priyation
of a loaf, or joint, or some other article
urgently needed at home. Nobody places
any confidence in persons who are habitually
behind time. They scarcely succeed in any
enterprise. Therefore, for your oo1 sake as