The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1863-02-18
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
CHAos-Awoman entering your room
10 put your papers TO rights. bu.

Two pair of lips, in close league, eau
speak a language sweeter than words.
WHEN horses age is in question, he
is generally judged out of his own mouth,
The mariners compass has done some
Of the most important needlework in the
world.
Losr-A new silk umbrella, belonging
to gentleman with curiousy carved
ivory head.
A SIGN of tain-To see dry-goods'
dealers festoon their door posts with cheap
umbrellas. t,
A VAIN simpleton is made butt by
his companions; the sot makes butt"
Of himself
A LATE traveller says il is so cold in
the northern part of Greenland that it
freezes the fire out.
To discover the shortest distance be-
tween two places, jump into hack and
pay the driver in advance.
To undertake to reason n girl out of
love is rs absurd rs would be the attempt
to extiuguish Vesuvius with glass Of
water. t -,.
DoBps says he has one Of the most
obedient boys in the world. He tells him
to do rs he pleases, and he does it with.
out murmuring.
EXCUSE me, madam, but would
like to ask why you look at me so very
savagelyT "Oh! beg pardon, sir /
took you for my husbandV ..nt
AN exchange paper tells good story of
a shrewd but not over honest stock raiser
in Canada, who took the first prize, at an
agricultural show, for bull on which he
had fitted handsome pair of horns IN.
ken from dead animal, whose skin he
had pulled out artificial!y in various places
TO conceal defects, with numerous other
deceptive contrivances, which he had
learned by ,oqtching his ,oite, from time
TO time, as size made her toilette for a ball
or party! a.... .H
In village in the Green Mountain
State, dwelt n certain judge, who, being
wi9ower, always accompanied his niece
10 church. One summer afternoon,
while she was intent upon the sermon,
and the Judge was having quiet snooze,
she discovered grasshopper on her dress.
Picking it of, she gently nudgcd the
drowsy judge, that he might throw the
intruder into the aisle. He took it with
eyes half open, and supposing it to be a
Glove, quite unsuspectingly bit off its
head
Down cast wealthy old gentleman,
who was especially fond of glass Of
good brandy, had established n bank, and
liking his own face better than any ones
else, had the frankness to confess it bv
placing il on both ends of his bank-blls.
One evening bill of this description was
offered at the village hotel, and was tho't
TO be counterfeit. "Put glass of
brandy TO the picter," proposed n wag,
sand if his mouth opens you may be sure
it is one of old Vintuer's.'
DocToR Jebb was once paid three guin-
cas- by rich patient from whom be had
right to expect five. He dropped them
on the floor, when servant picked them
up and restored them. The doctor, in
stead of walking of, continued his search
on the carpet. "Arc all the guineas
found 2" asked the rich man.
"There must be two still on the floor"
said the Doctor, " for have only three"
The hint was taken, and two immedi-
ately handed over.
al HAVE fifty dollars in property" said
an Irishman to a young lawyer; but
Bill Smead has got judgment against
me, and should like you TO advise how
l can hide it away so he cannot get one
cent ~
WE'LL" said tho lawyer, "rBakc il over
to H, your old employer"
"And faith I'll do that" said Pat,
hurrying from the office. The next day
our sprig of the law met Pat in the street
and gently reminded linn that he forgot
to pay tho small fee for the advice re-
ceved. ..t
And didn't your Honor say | should
give my property TO Mr.. H, and so
l have; and now you and Smead may
get it from Mr.. Ii if You can"
In passing through the town Of c.,
Putnam county. Indiana, in 1862, stop
ped ut the store of R and c.
TO make somo inquiries concerning the
village. 1t was at tho time when ten,i-
lated hats were in full blast. | was in
vitcd TO seat on the counter. Mr.. c.
was very talkatiyc, and in his remarks
he addressed me rs Mr.. Gossamer. AZ
ter some conversation | notified him he
was mistaken in the name.
"Smith is my name, sir"
All, excuse me, sir! | thought it was
Mr.. Ventilated Gossamerp
1t is useless to say / had on one Of
Hayes d Cray's best, and upon the lin
ing was inscribed in elegant gilt letters,
I" Ventilated Gossamer."