Delaware gazette. [volume] (Delaware, Ohio) 1855-1886, 1863-03-20

was. or pretended to be fast locked in the
arms of Morpheus.
Don't you hear, Mrs. SwaIow?' quOth Sol
omon.
But alas! a slight consciousness was the only
response from Mrs Swallow.
Now this was ticklish point with Solo
mon, but he was prepared for it. What says
my system on this head?' said he to himself,
musingly. 1T says that lazy wife who lays
abed in the morning, may very properly be
reminded of her duty by the judicious appli-
cation of ccrcoin pin And this magnif-
cent idea had scarcely crossed the threshold of
/ his brainpan, than he inserted the point Of a
| huge pin in the right arm of the sleeper. As
/ might be expected: the intended effect Instant
/ ly followed the cause, for the astonisAed Mrs.
| Swallow sprang from the bed as though she
had been thrown from it by an earthquake!-
But alasl her agility Was too strikingly mani
fested for she not only all but annihila,ed
| poor Solomon in her efforts to get over him,
bnt she dashed his patent lever from the nail
which suspended 1t to the wall, and broke the
dial into thousand pieces.
What a dreadful dreamp calculated Mrs
Swallow, pressing heRIeft hand to her wound
ed arm.
What dreadful reality" shouted Mr.. Swal-
low. contemplating the fragile ruins of his de-
molished time-piece.
Here we pass over the interval between this
occurrence and the time when the happy pair
in question were seated at breakfast.
Now, Mrs. Swallow said Solomon, seeing
that ! can't awake to call you in the morning,
or eat burned toast, or drink raw tea, &C., it
is time should begin to instruct you in your
duties
And what are those, Mr.. Swallow"
BE silent, madam, if you please. Not to
talk but to listen, is one Of the most inpor-
tant Of them
Proceed sir
And Mr.. Swallow, looking daggers at her
for the second interruption, proceeded
From six to eight, you are to get up, dress
quietly so as to create no disturbance, light
FIRE, air clothing and stockings, sweep rooms,
prepare breakfast, and announce the perfec-
tioh thereof Eight till ten, wash tea things,
make beds, rub furniture aud clean windows.
Ten TO twelve, go to market and prepare din
ner. Twelve till two 10 devote tD dishwash
ing, sweeping up and rubbing furniture Two
TO six, spinning, mending clothes and darning
stockings. Seven, tea. From that time till
nine, a second course of mending and darning.
and then 90 TO bed! And this daily course
madam, with strict observance of the rules
Of civility, fugality decorum and obedience,
may in time enable You to do honor to the
choice Of Mr.. Solomon swallow
Mrs Swallow listened quietly to the end,
then mildly inquired:
And dc you really expect this Of me, Mr.
swallow
10 be sureI do responded her spouse.
Then you'll be sadly disappointed, for I'll
Dc no snrh tEing."
sNo?'
NJ
I've way to make YOU
'uow?'
Spoon diet, locks, chains aud cowhdes.
Mr., Swallow
'Whal?'
'You are a hruler and Mrs. Swallow threw
herself back and locked desperate.
Now this was the climax. Mr.. Swallow
was called IL brute at bis own tireside, and by
his own WIFE, which was the worst of all. He,
Solomon Swallow, the celebrated founder of
system Of Matrimonial Observation, called
brute, and by no less u person than Mrs. Swal-
low. AT first he was so astonished at such open
manifestation ofrebellion to his royal will, that
be only looked aghast, but when he came to
himself he saw that something must be dcBe
at once or TIE field was lost forever.
"You called me brute, Mrs Sawollow."
Il did, Mr.. Swallow"
"a brute?"
"A brute ?"
III go and break things, Mrs. Swallow"
"As you like, sir"
And Mr.. Swallow did go mad, but he had
method in his madness, for he seized the cheap
old plate with a crack in it) and dashed it into
a thousand pieces on the hearth, as if he was
in tremendous passion.
GLOW do you like that, Mrs. Swallow ?'
VASTLY, Mr.. Sallow, try it again"
And again he did try it, flor he had become
desperately and demolished the cream jug.
"Now." said the lady, "it is my turn, and
jumping up, she sent the slop bowl TO keep
company with its tea table companions.
This was of course too much for Solomon:
it snapped assunder the last remaining chord
of the little reason he had left, and he slapped
his heIpmats-we use the word in its most pos
live ;erm-on her right cheek; but scarcely
had the echo of the blow elmelted into silence.
ere the indignant dame seized the tea pot and
shiyered it into atoms against the head of the
devoted Mr.. Swallow. Nor was this all, for
as he was rolling heels over head from the ef
feet of the awful collision, she piled the re-
mainder of the tea traps, until there was scarce
" a bone in his body which had not echoed
to the shock of cups and saucers, and rounds
of buttered toast.
Unable to carry the war any longer for that
day, Solomon gathered himself up as well as
be could, and vowing Vengeance, he stuck his
pipe in bis mouth his hands in his pockets,
and then commenced whistling a jig to the tune
the old COW died on, looking as if he could
bite piece of the gridIe, without setting bis
| teeth on the edge. His good lady, too. being
determined to follow the example of her lord
and master in other matters besides the delf
breaking, placed another chair back to back
with Solomon's and after providing herself
with novel, sat herself down and began read
| ing away as if there was no such things as beds
to make, or stockings to mend in an Chris
tendon.
Here this afIectiouate couple sat for six NOR
tai hours, each bent upon sitting the other
down and ruminating the while upon their rel
ative position. But it must be confessed that
Mrs. Swallow had the best of the bargain,
for independent of Soiomon's mangled head,
and par boiled neck and shoulders, he saw as
clear as mud that the watch dial and crockery
must be replaced; so that the reducing of the
first chapter in his voluninOus system to prac-