The Weekly Perrysburg journal. [volume] (Perrysburg, O. [Ohio]) 1861-1???, 1863-04-08
Letter from orpheus G. Kerr.

tnC mana WHICH ElaSnS lne nen ucmnles
with weakness, like the hand Of the wind
upon slender rush have been remind
ed of my latter eud and of our excellent
National Democratic organization by an
outrage upon my Constitution and the Ar
btrary Arrest of my hcalth--procccding
which seem to prove that the well known
Southern Contederacy is entirely right in
this war, and that tho North is chiefly COM
posed of Honest Old despots. (Seo pro-
ceedngs of Democratic Organization, Ros-
olution 290)
As ! lay sick in Strategy Hall tho other
day, SO desperately lonely that | almost
wished to die, and without energy enough
to finish reading the greeuback had COM
menced that morning. there came TO see me
an atiable Democratic chap who had iust ro-
covered from severe bilious attack brought
on by tho Conscription Bill and wished to
consult me as to the propriety ofnomnating
Or. Brandreth for President of the United
States in 1868.
why, my future Jefferson" says |, fee
bly,, what are You going to do with McClel
Ian. then ?"
Really. says he, just stepping across
the ward to spit on copy of the Ti'ib bme,
which served as window curtain" really,
| forget all about that manly form. OH"
says the pleasant Democratic chaD, replac-
ing the Constitution in his hat, from which
it had Just fallen, "oh what heroism do we
find embodied in that youthful shape! The
voice of an assembled universe asks Shall
e. b. Mcclellan go unrewarded? There is
no echo at the time. 1t asks again Who,
then, shall be President of the United States
in 1902 And echo triumphantly answers
,r,ll In.
Here the atfablo Democratic chap took
off his spectacles, my boy, and beamed un-
disguisedly at small black bottle on the
table.
But says |, softly, "his name is not
George BdraUm Mcclellan at all. His mid
die name is not Barnum."
Hem" says the Democratic chap, with
a severe aspect, IL don't know that it is.
Really" says the Democratic chap, hastily
picking up his umbrella and moving away
/" really, don't know that it is"
Mistakes, my boy, will happen in the best
regulated organizations and if we construe
them maliciously, we deserve, like par
Gel of scandal-mOngering old Bo-hea-mians
to be confined all our lives to small coups of
Phineas 7.
1t was during my illness that the adoring
citizens of Mugville discovered that the
Venerable Cannon had been defeated ten
times in the election tor county clerk in his
youth, and frantically nstigated an over
flowing ovation therefor to that venerable
man. know not, my boy, what this aged
and shirt-collared picture of perpetual be-
neficencc has done to be such an idol can
not conceive why repeated defeats in his
youth should entitle him TO the alteration
of a fond populaco at the present exciting
period but the leading citizens presented
him with silver butter knife and sereu-
ade, my boy; and he made bengnant
speech to show that he and Providence de-
sired only the applause of their own con-
sciences.
"My children" says tho Venerable Cam
mon, waving benetactons in his fat and
heartfelt manner, 81 accept this butter
knife-not for my own merits, but because
it symboiZes the only true means of re-
storing that Union of which am part.
This knife" says the Venerable Cannon,
cycling the costly gift with oily and benig-
nant satisfaction" this knife teaches us
that only fiendsh Ahoitonism would think
of using the Sword of Radicalism to con-
quer the erring Contederacy which is still
our sister, when the Butter-knife of Con-
servatism was to be had"
Then all the leading citizens of Mugvile
observed joyfully to each other that the
country was redeemed at last, and four.a =
twenty reliable morning journals published
six columns each about the triumphant
progress Of the Venerable Cannon in the
affections of the people,
Among those present at this sublime ova-
ton, my boy, was an aged chap selling ap-
PIES who Immediately burst into tears when
the voice Of the venerable man fell on his
ears. On being asked to explain his emo
tions, he cast his dim eyes upward toward
an American flag which was being used by
q merchant near by to advertise some pa
tent pills, and says he, brokeny:
when hear that voice, and see that
flag, all my manhood crumblcs into scald-
ing tears"
He was an apple-seller of fine feelings,
and had once served rs deserter in the
Army of the Potomac.
Pathetic little incidents like these, my
boy, humble though they may be, are preg-
nant with deep and touching meaning, of
which ] have not the remotest conception.
There is a new Mackcrel Hotel recently
erected on the borders of Duck Lake, near
Strategy Hall, for the benefit of Brigadiers
who have not been accustomed TO doing
without u bar and it was in one of the
rooms thereof that the Conservative Ken
lucky Chap recently fell victim to the
most remarkable optical illusion of this dis
tracted century. He was sitting with his
back to a window, my boy his head droop-
ed upon his breast beneath the weight of
the Emancipation Proclamation, and with
arms folded and legs screwed awry on his
chair, he was contemplating the opposite
wall from under his Conservative hat.
"Ilum says he with subdued ecstacy,
'how sweet it is TO look upon the map Of
my native land, of which Kentucky is the
guiding star AS look upon that simple
map, says Conservative Chap, thoughtfully,
4" and reflect upon the recent improvements
i'll Kentucky, it becomes question in my
mind whether Kentucky is the United
States, or the United States is Kentucky"
Following the direction Of his eyes as he
said this, my boy, | beheld upon the wall
opposite where he was sitting:
A CONSERVATIVE KENTUCKY MAP OF ALL
AMERICA.
"LoOk here, my absorbed Talleyrand," "
says /, in astonishment, that's not map
It's only your own shadow on the wall"
He moved as spoke, and then for the
first time, discovered his illusion
Hum" says he, il is map of the Union
in the sense that the Union is but a shadow
of its former sell"
The Conservative Kentucky Chap is ac-
tually 80 insufforably egostcal, my boy, aud
so imbued with the idea that Kentucky is
the whole country, that it is almost impos-
sible for him to sit Oh chair without throw
ing his body into almost the exact shape Of
the American Continent.