Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1863-11-14
HUMOROUS.
Doesticlss on Women. Horses a.,

minute that very woman begins to drive that
working thing to its very utmost capacity.
be it an animal or machine: and the
chances are about equal that she'll drive the
animal to the verge of quadrupedal grave.
or break the machine into shivcrcd splinters
in the attempt to make it do three DAYS
work in twelve hours.
Every person who has ever observed a
human female driving a horse, will perfectly
sympathize with the idea that l here set
forth. Every woman who drives horse.
not only drives that horse to the very top of
his speed, togging him up hill, and whip.
ping him down hill, and thrashing him the
Iull length of every level, but she gives him
a sound trouncing every time he stops to
drink, under the wretched preteuce that
she is trying to keep the flies off. lie. Il
, woman, any woman-for they are all alike
on this subject, and no one has any more
sense than any other one-understand that
Flora Temple had trotted her mile in 219J
and let that woman have Flora to drive for
day and she'd fog the life out of the
gallant little bay mare if she didn't keep up
the same speed for twelve or fourteen hours
"A day: and would, the minute her speed
fell short of twenty-five miles an hour, whip
the blessed little beauty TIL she dropped
| down in her tracks.
If Il woman owned Flora Temple, she
wouldn't hesitate to match her to run Il
race with an express train through "a swampy
country, and would cut with horse-whip,
the hide all off the little mare if she didn't
| distance the locomotive.
There never was woman yet who mould
or c0uI drive horse reasonably, and treat
hlm properly. | don't know what the
reason is, unless women have conspircd to
Sit
geanCe for the ungraceful and unwomanly
appearance in which the horses are some
times implicated with the woman.
Here | will-though in base trcachery to
my own scX--revcal to the ladies of the
I land terrible secret, that has heretofore
been kept by tacit consent Of our masculine
halt of creation, population, and the census.
1t is this:
! Every man knows in his heart, and freely
admits TO every other man, that woman is
never so ungracctul, so untcmininc, so I'M
womanly, 50 ugly, so absolutely unlovaJle,
as when on horseback
/ Mount woman on beast of a horse.
and you instantly deprive her of all tender
ness, all temininity, all the thousand peculiar
nameless graces of woman, and transform
her into a e-CcntaH-sOmething that few
men can love, and that no man can admire
( You, young ladies, who desire to apply
an intaillblc test to the protcSsed affection Of
your lover, can give you one: Appear on
horseback before the man who says he loves
! you; if his affection is deeply rooted enough
TO stand this awful trial, take him by all
means; for the manly love that still survives
the fearful spectacle of its loved object on
horseback, can never be shaken by any
/ subsequent earthly trial
This is n semi II mon know II
but | believe it has never been communica-
ted in this public and unreservcd manner to
( the singing sex. Since the first of January
! last | have known in my own small circle of
acquaintance of some twcnty-tuur men who
have enlisted for life, driven to it only by
( the Disseminating sight Of their misguided
( sweet hearts on horseback.
One of these unfortunate men is now in
the Insane Asylum, raving manie his
/ sweetheart appeared to him not only on
/ horseback, but she was also wearing Il man'S
/ hat-this last atrocity was too much for Il
brain weakened already by the discovery
that his lady-loye played the accordcon
/ And in a single week he succumbcd and
now in his maniac's cell he continually calls
out for his darling Sally Ann, and begs,
with tears in his eyes, for the doctor to pre-
scribe for her something that will cure the
! Sidesaddle fever.
/ This episode has been long, too long. and
now return to my original theme, about
women and machine work. Give woman
| charge Of locomotive warranted to run
/ forty miles an nour, and she'll hang potato
/ pos full of dumb-bells on the salety-valve
/ and in four hours she'll break the engine into
! 'old iron and copper scraps trying to get
/ fifty miles an hour out of her. Give wo-
] m "a nf ~ n.tg n-u
! ranted to cross the ocean in nine days, and
she'd send boat, crew, and all en- board,
| including herself, to the bottom, trying To
run from Liverpool to New York in forty
eight hours less than the regular time.
Very, well, women are similarly, likewise
in the same manner, after the same sort,
given TO perform the same way with the
other machines. Sewing machines iOr
example; in fact, especially sewing ma
chimes.
To tell the truth. sewing machines are the
subject Of this article.
I've got q wife; a bran new article white
bonnet, white vail long stockings, hoops,
cure embroidered things, in the way of
clothes worked other things, in the way of
clothes in fact, more clothes Of every con-
ceiyable variety than | ever dreamed could
belong to any one woman-but I've got her,
All complete. ILJN Sol htI, MbuuCI. IN
fact / think that when any man regards
contemplatiycly that most wonderful work
OF the Creator, wife, his soul must bee filled
with admiration for himself ~ u wonderful
ly clever fellow, to win such CoGtriNanCe,
or else he must he overcome with supreme
thar kfulness at his own good lack,
I've not yet ceased wondering how got
my wife; but I've got hei, all complete, ms
sand before andit you don't believe il, there
she is
No, by George there she isn't, She,
gone down town 10 got some screws or
needles, or something, for her sewing ma
chine,
(While she's gone, III say something that
every married man hes thought, but no one
has said before. The most astounding thing
in the world 10 modest young man, i 10
wake up in the morning after you amt a
bachelor any more and see pair ot womcn's
slippers on the iloor, apair of long gstocklngs (
ON the chair, and heap OF Womens other !
dressing mysteries, piled up Ia places where |
YOU have been used 10 seeing onl, boots and |
empty cigar boxes. Don't tell your wives, /
for IL isn't good thing 10 1t them know /
that you've ever been otherwise than IA |
state ot the most perfect aud thorough self /
pOss1 sAlOnl
However, 90 come back ior the third ~ /
moreth time, 10 the sewing machine ques'
tOn.
My wlfe-my wiic-my sJs-W NfR-
listen Ia tha-Ml MlfE llli my Mifr