Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1863-06-12
Artemus Ward with q Copperhead.

I
but to understand human natur perfickly
requires sum nollege OF the other animals,
ez for instance, snaix v.f w2T i
Speaking ov snaix, reminds me of in
cden, which happened to me the other day.
l woz travelling in the cars, wen a man
cum in with a countenance witch looked ez
if he'd been billed and the scum not properly
tuck off. He was accompanied by a very
young man, in very durty yaller shute Of
close. The young man starred hard at me,
whereupon ! sed, in my most insinnoatn
manner, Yure sarvint sur; du yu sc eny
| thing green about me Z"
Neigh, revrent sur" he replied, "per-
NIT to introduce to yu patriot"
Wheer abouts," seq /.
Hur,' seq he, pointing to his compan-
ion, 'this sur, is Mister Baloo.'' Tow
"Air you eny you waze related to Hully
Balloo?" sez /. (This was spoke sarkasti-
Gle. fur hate travelling patriots like dog pi."
Nothing to speak on" said he, am
simply umbal patriot"
| "How much can yu make week at it
seq ], T" if it's followed up well !"
"Sur," sed he; / am surprised at such
leverty. make wounds by it, sur; also,
stripes, likewise imprisngments. / hev bin
incarcenat.d in forlriss Ly fayette, sur"
+" lndede" sez /. ss - #
Yes, SUR" sed he, 4" / wos incarcenated
in that fedral bastill, beoooz void not abay
a tirannickle guverment."
Somethink like Jno. w. Hampton"
sed l, "wen he objected to settling his skule
tax 2" .,rttgsa sFf ofs resasH
It's rayther singuler to find pease
man who is also patriot. / shuld like to
hev yure wax-ggger in my show"
You fatter me-" sez he.
"Not a tall" seq /. Wot other bizness
du you foller wen Tins is dull 2"
Il am neditur," sez he. :" tole Mr.. A.
| Linkun wot thort of him, sur, in my pa
per, sur. / tole him the war woz an un
holy war. That the rebils fitin fur thare
burthrtes and the constitution. That j.
! Davis woz a crate man, an nobody culdut
stop him. l apeeled tu the peopel. sur, l
tole them to arize in thar mite an magersty,
hurl A. Linkun from power, and ade the
South in her noble effort to save the Union.
For this, sur, was incarcenated in a dun
geon." 4s.stl .
"How did yu git ou, ?" seq I. "Wcz you
| lat toose the rit Of Aocus Pocus ~
| Neigh, sur" sed he. ' | WOE deprived
of my Constitutional rite TO that rit, witch
was arrested from King John by the bowld
barrens at kennymede, en- witch hez bin
worttered by the blud ov our sires and an
sisters" ft
But how did yu get out r sez ].
"The madiesty ov the stait of Pennsilve-
nier." he continued, "hez bin a vierated in
| in my umbei person-that mi:ey stait witch
| b1,
witch woz purchest by him from the noble
red man ov the forrest"
"Ingins is pizen wheresever found" sez
/. How did you get out p
The Legislator of my natiff stait," he
continued, is resolvin-ihe Legislator ov
my natitf stait is agoing to avenge her vier-
| lated suvvereigni,y."
My fren," sez |, "my patriotic friend,
kyerb these tiites ov imadgernaiion, subdoo
! these fours of retterick, an inform me, o
inform me,
let me not burst in ignorants,'
but inform mellow did you git Out? 2"
| See he, very short, +" would not bough
down an take the oath. l was released on
my pay roll Of honor"
| You ordacious Gus !" sed, "a mitety site
meaner than Linburg cheese yure pay roll
of honor. Wy sur, my immortal little mon
key is smart kompared III yu. My kobra
wouldn't associate with yu. My wax fgger
of Smith, the wife murderer, wuld skorn tn
ware your close. Wy, sur, it air privil-
eye TO take the oath of allo glance. l take
it. sur, in the morning wen rize an brethe
the are Of freedom. take wen Iye down
at night secure in the protection of my
country. j administer the oath TO my fam
erly. 1 teech it TO my innersent children.
Yu patriot ShaddeI of G.. Washington,
defend us! ii the sovereignty of yure ma
tive stait is lodged in yure person, in my
opinion thares mitety little 10 keep it from
folling to The ground. Vile yu air loose,
sur, onest men hev no pleasure in being
free. Wen you are tuct up-then the rites
of ouest men cir secure. My son, Andrew
I jackson Ward, sur, is corp. raj in the army
OF the Union. He marches mex to the man
who kerrys the flag. The rebels my shute
at him, but his dooty is TO hold onto biz fire
till the last momint for the defence of that
flag. An vile them ignorent ruffins air
leveling thare guns at his manly brest, yu,
sur, an such abandoned, cowardly vilins ez
yu, sur, air teliin EN- to stan thare ground,
an tu fire on Stars and Stripes, witch my
son may even now be barring proudly in
the face ov the foe. If l sarved you rite.
sur, would take you by the scruit of yure
worthless neck an the sete ov yure close,
kerry yu out onto that platform and drop
yu onto the tract, wen the kars Guild mangle
yure rotten flesh, and grind yure disreppyt-
able bones 10 powder!''
Sez he, looking kind oskeert, "The Leg
islatoor ov my native Stait-"