The Tiffin weekly tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1859-1868, 1863-10-30
| SUBSTITUTE WANTED,

OF inc tlrc department, ChliCu ~ he
office where make shoes for living,
and handed me big white envclop, mo-
tilyng me that was drafted and must
report myself for examination, at Law
renee on the 18th Of August.
Now I consider the duty Of every citi-
zen 90 give HE life, Il need be, for the de-
fcnse of his country, so on the morning
Of the eventful 18th, | put on clean
shirt and my Sunday clothes and started
for Lawrence, to see II could get cx-
cmptrd.
Lawrence, as all know, is situated on
the Merrimack river, and its principal
productions are mud, dust and factory
girls. The city proper, at least that part
saw, consisted of long narrow entry,
up one fight Of stairs, adorned overhead
with L frcscoing of gas meters, aud car.
7eted with worn cut tobacco guilds and
furnished with one chair, two settces,
and as many huge, square packing cases,
marked 20. NJ. D." Scattered around
this palatal cntraucc-hall were some
forty or fifty conscripts, looking very
much as il they expected to be exempted
by reason of old age, before the young
man with leroci0us moustache should mo-
tiiy them of their turn. Most Of them,
however, were doomed TO Disappointment
for while they counted the hours OF delay,
a door would suddenly open, aud the tall
y oung man would single ou, one man
aud march him through the open door
way to be seen no more.
BY and by--that is after several hours
waitinc--my turn came.
John Smith !" shouted thu door.
keeper.
"That's me-" says I 4; with a cheer
from the crowd, | entered a large square
room where two persons sat writing ut
n table, aud the third, evidently the sur
gcon, wus exnming man in tho last
stages Of nudity.
One of the writer's at the table, a
young man with curly eyes and blue hair
nodded to me, and dipping his pea in the
ink commenced
John Smith," what's your name
John Smith," says |.
Where were you born J"
Pudunk, Maine"
What did your grcat'grundfathcr di,
of"
DHrncd il ] know" saysI.
Call it hnpentao," says he "ant
your grandfather, too -
don't care what you call it," says
for | was a little rile by his nonscnsic.
al question.
"Did you ever have boils !"
"Not boil."
"Or ftsl'
mary fit"
"Or delirum tremens 7"
"No sir ee!'
"Or rickets -
"I'll rickct you," for l thought he
meant something else.
Did you EVER have the mcasels I!
says he.
Here took Of my coat.
"Or the itch !"
Yes, sir" said l." that ere FIST (aRs
showed very large brown one within
three inches OF his nose) has been itch
ing for the last ten minutes to knock
your pesky head off, you little, mean
low.lived, contemplate whelp, you"
my dear SIR" said the mild.spoken
gentlemunly surgeon, laying his hand on
my arm " caln, yourself, pray. Don'I
let your angry passions rise, but take of
your cloth cs, 50 | can see what you ure
made Of"
So ! suppressed my anger, and with
drawing to a corner, hung my clothes
upon the floor, aud presented myself for
cxa mins,ion, clad only with the covering
nature had given me, except about a
square inch of fcourt-plaster, on my right
shin, where | had fallen over chair, the
night before feeling for match.
"Young man." said the surgeon, look
ing me straight in the eye" you have
got the myopa,"
Yes, sir" said I, "und good one,
too--n little B.ninger, with a drop OF
Stoughton, makes all excellent eye.open-
er, OF morning"
And there seems to be an nmuurotic
tendency Of the right eye, accompanied
with oplhalmia."
Show !" says l.
"And that white spot in the left eye
betokens u cataract"
%" guess you mean in the air" says l.
cause went in swimming this morn.
ing, and got an alfred big bubble in my
left ear" and here jumped up and down
two or three times on my left foot, but
to no purpose. AS soon as ! stopped
he n.ouuted chair, and commenced feel.
the top of my head.
"Wos your family ever troubled with
epilepsy 7" says he
Only the two boys" says |, anC
when they catch them, my wife always
goes OF them with fine tooth comb. th'
first thing"
Jumping off the chair, he hit me licl
in the ribs that nearly knocked me over
and before had time to remonstratc
his arms were round my neck and hi
head pressed against my bosom the som'
way that Sophia Ann docs, when she
wants me to buy her some new bonneti
and things,
Just what thought" said he, a" tub
ercuiosis and hemoptysis, combined will
defect in in the scapular membrane an'
incipiert phtbysis.
"Heayens :" says l, what's that =
"And cardinc disease"
"No 7" said I.
"hDd pendarditfs !"
" Thunder !" said /.
"Stop talking!" Now count afte
me.-one
"one r. said !, half dead with fright
"Asihma Two"
"Twe," ! yelled.
"Exotis of the right fcbula Three =
"Three !" ! gassed,
"Coxalgia! F! Four"
"Murder I" said l." Four"
"Confrmed duodenum of the righ
Yentricle Five"
"Oh doctor! dear doctor, aint yo
most through 7 feel faint"
i" Through 7 No. not half through
Why, my friend, Pandora's box wu
nothing to your chest, You hay
sphy nixiana, aud gloriosIs, and cor
: choilogIa, and persifage, and"
Here my knees trembled so ! .eane
against the table for support.