Smyrna times., 1863-03-12
HUMOROU
From Artemus Ward, Jr.
WASHINGTON. Jan. Il,

Peas as lorng az the fte goes o. Not much. Tho
sympathzin Demos promist that these Rebellion
shood be they was lected, an they
air doin all in thar power to git in overall the
North. You Good stick more loyalty in a chickens
ear than sich men possess.
The other day pinted myself committee Ov the
Whole to go to Richmon if l coodent convins
J. Davis the error ov his ways. an persuade him
to jine the Young Mems Christian Association
Sumthin must soon be did to hav the War stopt, or
by the time its ended the Northern Sympathizers
will have Southern brethren, or no Constootion,
or no Declaration Of Inypendenec OF nothing. or
anything else. None. Whar Good we procoor G.
ashingtons, j. Quincy Jeffersons, Thomas Adam
ses, etscttery to make another ConstitoOSon, an
SO 4th-the larst espeshilly? Echo ansers-Whar7
That's why the Brecks air takn sich good care ov
that nst'oomcnt-which remns me ov little insi.
dent, A. L. observes.
A chap sez to seq he, al know but one way to
git rid of the sympathizers."
(Which is how :" arskt
"Why," he, "rip the Consttootion into spin.
tereens-rent il in twain, and scatter the peces to
to the end of the EARTH"
"How wood them do it," l coodn't see it much.
"Why you know thar love for it is SO CRATE that
eft destroyed it wood brake thar hearts an kill
em ded, which wood he the end 'em."
"Peas to thar end," sez l. "Long may they wa
ver!"
| But was goin to tell you about ne trip to the
Capital of the Southern COntheveracy. 1t was q
boOtiful mornin that started nary cloud obskew-
cred the Orb ov Day, and everything gay and
| bully When arrove at the Secesh lines, a dirtV
look!n Cnnfed calld me Halt" and pinted bago.
net at me. lie arskt who l was, and whar was
gone.
my friendly nuff,." SCI l, I've just bin up North
stealth things and sich for jeff Ne an him air ole
pals"
He left me pars.
In doc corsc Of mail l arrow in Richmon. l un
! folded me mission, ushercd into J. Davis's
orgus presents. He'd just returned from his speech.
ifyin tower.
"Tap Us your hipper, ole Covy," sez l, addressin
him in the F. F. VS. approvd dierct.
! MAKE known your bizness." he, I" I'm gttin
up proclamation for the determination ov the hole
Yankee nation, an airnt got much leisure for any
other ockupation."
81 come" I, ION a mission of peas Your
|
exist. eft things carnt be arranged to prohibit the
| UniOnisters from tearin the Constitoosh''
"What lerms do you offer ?" quercd Jeff.
"WalL," sez l, air instructed by the Copper
heds Wood, Stiles & Co., you know)2 propos emmy.
thing which will most dsgrase the North. You
kin take your niggers all creation, incloodin
Jarsey."
"Wood that be COnstitootonal?" 2" arskt ]. D. with
. Sigh twinkle his eye.
| 90" sez i, it's matter Ov no difference how
Iuch you chaps brake that artik to sever the Union
so the Republicans air stopt from doin the same to
keep sed Union together. That's what your Nsrth.
err chums warnt TO see dun"
"Wal," sez the Conftd Pres. "ef your COMMENT
will let us secesh, and will pay all debts. and
give uA Brute Butler to hang. might come 10
| terms"
I" Is thar nnthin else you cond wish ?" ~.
"Wal, yes-give all the territories"
"Nothin else 2"
Threw in 2 or free states-New York, Penna.
and Massachusetts, furinstuns"
"Nothin else 2"
| "YOu might include ole LinkOn's he'd"
"Carnt you think of nothin else 7"
"Yes-in footcr we must have all we arsk''
-. Davis" sez |, q hav doubt your friends
in the north wood make all these concessions, an
more too; but it has just occurred to me that thar
was nothin sed to ole Abe abont it be4 left Wash.
ington. Shouldn't wonder eff he'd object 10 the
plan some. But your democrat friends are doin all
they kin .cr you
81 know sez ]. D., IAN that's what keeps cur
spirits up. We air waitin for 'eRl to git in power
and then cxpeck to GIT all arsk. An yet Us
Shivilry consider cm the contempblest set ov dirt.
eatin towards in the North. We Good by 'em fer
Confed shinplaster"
Those my opinion, ?.
jeff arskt to step take T with him. an I
kindly stor;. ETA Secesh President don't git emmy
thing better for the stummicks sake, Saint Some
body sez, then that table, then may A. W.,
Jr., be preserved from sich fate. The Meat was
'nOUin site
"P'Iaps you've eten better Pork than this. but It's
the best I've got" sez JEFF. ..-.5 .t
"Yes," sez l, "thats putty Ham, bat I've
seen thundcrin site meancr in Washington"
"What kinds that!" he demanded. s'!
"VsIlandig Ham,.
Arfisr supper a sottish-OOkin chap entered, who
staggered up to Jeff. threw up his hat shouted:
another vc-hic-tOry! Washin'tOn taken prisner
-hc Ole Abe Greely captured-hic! Horace
LinkOn badly killed! George b. McBurnside's
rnd'rd-hic."
The cuss was ole John Letcher, in his famuss roll
ov the DruHkGrd. John only gifts tight once ayeaF.
which is New Years.
N. B-He stays drunk tilthe next New Years.
Blu l returned to Washington. disgustid with al
Pease measurs. The sympathEers may do thar own
dirteatin in the foeter, as they have dene in tho
Par.t An perchans-
/ -, Ever Ov you, a.. ...,s A WAAD. JF.