Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1863-02-14
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as it would be to get measured for an um-
brella
What is the difference between church
! organist and the ipAuenzas Que stops
| the nose and the other knows the stops.
Ask not the name of him who asks of
you bed. 1t is burden to him, who
has need of an asylum.-Hugo.
The man who attempted to whistle q
bar of soap, has injured his voice BY try.
ing to sing a stave Of a barrel.
A darkey's instructions for putting on a
coat were "fust de right arm, den de lef
and den glib one general conwulsion."
Even as Nature benevoently guards the
rose with thorns, so does she endow wo-
men with pins.
The president of debating society has
recently decided that the " milk of human
kindness" was literally milk punch, with
q little nutmeg in it.
What is the difference between the lower
part of jeff Davis bod and Fort Smith
One is the headquarters of the rebel Hind.
man, and the other is the hind q quarters Of
the rebel head man.
An 1rishman at New Haven, having had
nine children in eight years wedlock, ap.
Piled Tor an exemption certificate, abe.
cause he could serve his country better at
bone
A cute Yankee in Kansas sells liauor in
agun barrel instead Of glass that he may
avoid the law and make it appear beyond
dispute, ths. he is selling liquor by the
barrel
repeat, said a person of questionable
veracty, that am an honest mau."-
Yes was the reply, and how often will
you have to repeat it before you believe it
yourselfv'
An lrishman just from the sod was eat.
ing some cheese, when he found. to his dis
may, that it contained living inhabitants.
" Be jabers!' said be, " does yer chase in
this country have childer."
The frs. step towards self.improvemen.
is to leave off whining over the past. Let
past Co. and bend every energy to the i'm.
provement Of the present. This is the
only way.
So you wouldn't take me to be twenty"
said rich heiress to an Irish gentleman,
while dancing the polka. "What would
you take me tor then - For better or
worse, replied the Emerald Isle.
In South America, there is a river, the
waters OF which are as sour as vinegar
1t taks 1t rise among the Andes in the
neighborhood OF the volcanoes, which are
supposed to mpart to it its sulphuric pro.
pertIeS.
John, Duke Of Montague, made two
codlcils to his will, one in favor of his
servants, and the other in favor of his
dogs, cats, etc. Whilst writing the letter,
one of the cats jumped on his knee
" hat u says he, have you a mind to
be witness, too? You cant, for YOU
are party concerned
1.-The longer live, the more certain |
am that the great difference between men,
the great and insignificant, is energy
invincible edetermination-an honest pur.
pose once fixed, and then victory That
quality will do anything that can be done
IN the world, and no circumstance, no op.
portunIty, will make a ,wo.le gged creature
= man without it Goethe.
Army Chaplain" My young colored
friend, can you read p
Contraband-" Yes. sah!"
Army Chaplain -" Glad 10 hear it
Shall | give you paper?'
Contraband =" Sartin, massa, if you
please y
Army Chaplain" Very good. What
paper would you choose, now?"
Contraband-"Wel, massa if you chews
I'll take paper Of terbacker.'
RArHEa FoxY.-A Scotch paper speaks
OF fox having been seen trying to spring
a steel trap by means Of a stick which he
carried in his mouth. We know fox
that took the well pole from the we'll and
pushed the turkey off from the lower limb
Of the tree with it, and put the pole back
in its place At least he got the turkey,
and the pole was found all right in tho
morning.
He PAID IN ADvANCE-A contemporary
| says: There is man up in our country
who always pays for his paper in advance.
nv heso po'Ca hnu oiSn ohJ al MS hlc~
never had any corns or toothache-his po-
| tatoes never rot-the wavel never eats his
wheat-the frost never kills his corn or
beans-his babies never cry in the night,
and bis wife never scoids, and always
wears modern sized hoops. Reader, il
| you would witness like results on your own
part go, thou and do likewise"
At Clinton, ILL.,, company Of boys,
from eight to fourteen years of age, As.
sembe every Saturday to cut and split
wood for the wives and families of volun-
teers. They parade the street with drum
and fife, visiting and working for the
| needy widows-one. half of them working
while the other half rest, until an ample
supply Of wood is ready for the stove.
A boozy fellow was observed the other
day driving pig, holding on to his tail,
and when asked what he Was doing, re-.
piled tina. be was studying 60 biography.