The Union. [volume] (Georgetown, Del.) 1863-1866, 1863-12-25
"All except the one I've committed" said

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arson, rape, or adultery"
''Worse than that" sobbed the unconvert-
ed one.
The minister looked at his stony hearted
subject moment, and then, suiting the ac-
ton to the word, said. "Will some brother
hold my coat? Here is the damned rascal
that soaped my horn" The preached whip
ped the sinner, who, soon after receiving tho
punishment became thoroughly converted.
QUESTIONS ALL ARouND.-0ne of the best
things we have heard for some time, says
cotemporary fell under our observation day
or two since;
Our friend Sam Jones wanted a servant
girl in his family, and pushed for an intelli-
gence Office and made known his wants to the
proprietor. Says Sam;
'Have you any first rate, tip-top servant
girls for the kitchen2 I'want one that can
mind her own business and attend to her
work"
"oh, yes" said the proprietor, "any guam
tity-let me show you one."
Sam is at once introduced to daughter OF
the Emerald Isle, and is greeted with:
"And does ye want a sarvant?
eyes," says Sam.
'How many hev yer in family?"
Sam answered.
"And hev yer hot and cold water?
Sam answers again.
GLOW many children hey yer, and do yer
make your girls wash Sundays Is tn'
church far away?"
All these questions with about nifty more
when he thought it about time to take the
laboring oar himself
"You look," says Sam, ''like pretty nice
girl, but want to ask you one question: 10
you play the piano?"
''No."
"Then," says Sam, very blandly, "yOu
won't answer my turn"
And away went the astonished Celt' feel
ing that she for once had caught Tartar
QUEER STYLE OF Book KEErING-An OLD
gentleman, whose father attended more !"
teaching his son the methods of aceum ulaelns
riches than knowledge, lived some time ago
in a town in one of the Eastern States. from
application and industry he had nmassed
property of about twenty thousand dollarsi
although not able either to read or write, he
never hired clerk, but had always been IN .
the habit of keeping his own books. lie had
invented some few characters for the purpose
of conveying his ideas to himself and others;
they were formed as nearly similar to tho
shape of the artiSle sold, as the nature of cir
cumstances would admit. One day Gus
toner called on him for the purpose OF setting
his account the book of FireoglyphtcS was
handed down, and our merchant commenced
with ''such time you had gallon OF rum
and such time pound of tea-such time
gallon of molasses, and such time
cheese"
"Stop there" says the customer, 81 never
had cheese from you, or any other person
l make my own cheese"
'You certainly must have had il" said the
merchant, 'it's down in my book"
The other denied ever buying anthing of
the kind. After sufficient number of pros
and cons, upon recollection, he informed him
that he believed he had purchased grind
stone about that time.
"It's the very thing" said tho merchant
''and must have forgotten to put tie hoIe 10
tie middle"
A PooR invalid man, very much reduced,
lately read in a musical paper something
about 'letting blood" The unhappy, weak
lv creature writes to us to know if we can
inform him "who lets it." and whether he
can on moderate terms hirO some for few
years. We refer him to the Lancet.
TnE Louisville Journal asks; I" lfa draft
ed man obtains substitute, and the substl-
tute is shot when attempting to desert, what
is the legal status of the drafted man. las
he been killed by proxy, and should his next
of kin take out letters of testamentaryT
NEVER did see such wind and such a
Storm" said man in cofee-room. And
pray, SIR" said wouId-be wit, "sinec you
saw the wind and the storm, what might
their color be ?" "The wind blew, and the
storm rose," was the ready rejoinder.
A WESTERN philosopher writes to tailor
who had failed to get ready his wedding suit:
cit was no serious disappointment, only L
should have been married if had received
the goods" That man will never be serious
ly disappointed.
ELoouENcE does much for soap. A manu- ,
facturer of shaving preparation says it is
famous for its power to lather, and une-
qualled in its relrety blSndness." There is a
great deal of velvety blandness, besides, in
whale-oil soap, but it isn't SO sweet as some"
"PAr," said the captain of a ship to an
Irishman, who was passenger on board, aud
who sometimes used to sleep twenty hours in
succe ssion, how do you contrive to sleep so
long" "Howf" cried Pat, "why pay
particular attention to IT,"
"SAMMY, didn't tell you to let that cats
tail alone ?" said a man to his son, who was
endeavoring to elongate cats narrative
"Well, what if you dids It's old Browns
cat, and III yank hlazes out of it,"