davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
sHey, Gals"

have lived solitary long enough, I
want somebody to talk at, quarrel with
then kiss and make up again. There
fore, am open to proposals from young
ladies and fresh widows of more than
average respectfully, tolerably tame in
disposition, and hair of eny other color
than red. AS nearly as can judge my
sell, l am not over eighty, nor under
twenty five years of age. In height I
am either five feet eight or eight feet five,
I forget which. Weight, 1853, 315, or
531, one Of the three, recollect each fig
ure perfectly well, but as to their true ar
rangement am somewhat puzzled. Have
a whole suit of hair, dyed by Nature. and
pretty free from dandruff. Eyes. butter
nut brindle, tipged with pea green. Nose
built according to the ionic order of ar
chitecture, with a touch of the Compos-
ite, and mouth between the cat-fsh and
an alligator's made expressly for oratory
and the reception of large oysters. Ears
palmated, long ond elephant shaped.
My whiskers are combination of dog
hair, moss, and briar bush-well behaved
and fearfully lixurant. Am sound in
wind and limb, and on the niger ques-
tion; wear boots No. 8, when corns are
troublesome, and can write poetry by the
mile with double ryme at both edges--to
read backward. forward. crosswise, dag
onally. Can play the jews-harp, brass
drum, and whistle Yankee Doodle in
Spanish. Am very correct in my NOR
ais and first-rate at nine. spins. Have a
regard for the Sabbath, and never drink,
only when by myself or with somebody.
Am domestic animal" and perfectly
docile when fowls are clean and shirt
buttons on. If l possess predomina-
ting virtue. it is that of forgiving every
enemy whom deem it hazardous to ham
die. say my prayers every night, mus
quitoes. permitting; and as to wheth er
| snore in my sleep G5-I want some one
to tell me. Money no object -axT as I
never was troubled with any, and never
expect to be.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
zkeiIcctiOu.

AS we look back on our past lives, we
regret many bargain wc have made and
many step we have taken. Here we
went too fast, and there too slow; one
day we lost by our folly. and the next
by our pride and extravaganza. In re-
viewing the past, we thus see the cause
for repentance.
But there is one thing that we are new.
or sorry for, let us live as long as we
may--we never mourn correct and vir-
tuous life. When pillowcd for the night,
We have no reproach tor kind suggcs-
ton, When tho world has no attractions
for us--when its prospects and its glo'
ries arc fading from our gaze. and the
visions of eternal state are bursting upon
us, it is then we love to think of honest
and upright life. Who, with tho hour
of death in view. would perform wick
ed act ? One hour of serious reflection
will unfit us for any vicious society oil
unholy career.
How strange it is that amid the dying
and the dead, mankind wifi so far forget
themselves and their Creator; as to serve
career of folly and crime. when the
next breath Of disease may sweep them
to destruction.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
How TO Cure II smoky Chimney.

A correspondent, who lives in New
Hampshire, states that in those parts re.
sides a man called Joe, fellow noted for
the tough lies which he can tell, aud as
sample relates the following:
Joe called in at Helton's one dav, and
found him almost choked with smoke
when he suggested. "You don't know as
much about smoky chimneys as do,
squire, or you'd cure 'em."
"Ah," said Holton, with interest, "did
you ever see a smoky chimney cured ?"
"See a smoky chimney cured?" said
old Joe, II think have! had the orst
one in Seaboard county once, and / cured
it little too much"
"How was that?" asked Holton.
"Why, you see," said Joe, "you see
built little house out yonder, at Wolf
Hollow, ten or twelve years ago. Jim
Bush, the fellow that built the chimneys.
kept blind drunk three.quarters of the
time, and crazy drunk the other. / told
him that thought he'd have something
wrong, but he stuck to it and finished the
house.
"Well, we moved in, and built fire
next morning to boil the tea kettle. All
the smoke came through the room and
went out of the windows, not bit went
up the hues. We tried it for two or three
days, and it got worse and worse. By
and-by il came on to rain, and the rain
began to come down the chimney. 1t put
the fire out in minute and directly it
came down by the pailful. We had to
get the baby off the floor ae soon as we
could, or it would have been drowned
"In fifteen minutes the water stood
knee deep on the floor. Then wen. out
and took look. 1t didn't rain half so
hard outside, and l pretty soon see what
was the matter. The drunken cuss had
put the chimney wrong end up, and it
drawed downwards; it gathered all the
rain within hundred yards, and poured
it down by buckets full"
"Well, that was unfortunate" remark
ed Hoton. But what in the world did
you do with the house? Surely, you new
er cured that chmney?"
Didn't I, thought" answei ed old Joe.
"Ycs | did"
"How?" asked Holton.
"Turned it the other end up" said the
incorrigible, "and then you ought to have
seen it draw. That was the way cured
it too much"
"Drew too much?" asked Holton.
"Woll, squire, you may judge for your
SELF" said old Joe. "Pretty soon after
we got the chimney down and the other
end up, missed one of the chairs out OF
the room, and directly see another ol
'em shooting towards the fire place
Next the table went, and l seon the back
log going up. Then | grabbed the old
woman under one arm and the baby un-
der tother and started but Just as | got
to the door, seen the cat going across
the floor backwards, holding on with her
claws to the carpet, yelling awiully. 1t
wasn't no use. Just seen ber going over
the top of the chimney, and that was the
last OF her."
"Well, what did you do then?" asked
Holton. "Of course you couldn' live in
such house?'
"Couldn't thought" said Joe, "bu'
1 did. put poutice made of sticking
plasters on the jamb of the fire. place, and
that drawed tother way, so we had nc
more trouble"
That is what we call hard lying.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
Sflis&rllancous,
.Eeas Cleared yust Two Million
Dollars"

Last week we went into a store in
Pittsburgh to make small purchase. -
The proprietor was just going out, and
remarked to MS that he would like to
show us some nco goods, but he was in
vited to see friends daughter married.
After he went out. the gentleman waiting
on us said, "Mr. Il, is gone to see
Miss b. married; her father has
cleared Just $1,000, 600, within the last
two years - GLOW 2" we inquired,
"3y Government contracts" he replied.
This is very fine. Two millions clear
in two short years. The marriage of
daughter and a golden wedding at the
close If this was tho only view of the
subject it would be magnificent. But
these two short years have desolated many
many happy homes, mode many sor-
rowing widows, and bereaved many in
nocent little babes of kind father and
protector. And at the end, instead of a
golden wedding and orange blossoms,
funeral procession and cypress leaves
symbolic the inwaId sorrow of the heart
The picture has two sides. Mr., B.
"has cleared $4,000, 900 ' and wishes
the war to go on; poor widow has lost
her husband, and is thrown upon the
charity of the world. The first look tc
Lincoln for fortune the last to God fol
bread !--h,Haning Pa.) Mentor.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
Religious COurtsliip.

A young gentleman happening to sit
at church in a pow adjoining one in which
a young lady for whom he conceived a
sudden and violent passion, was desi-
rous of entering into courtship on the
spot; the exigency of the case suggested
the following plan : He politely hand
ed his fair neighbor Bible open, with a
pin stuck in tho following text-Second
Epistle of John verse iifth;-"And now
| besecch thee, lady, not as though |
wrote new commandment unto thee
but that which we had from the begin.
ming, that we love one another" She re-
turned it, pointing to the second chapter
of Ruth, verse tenth---"Then she fell on
her face and bowed herself to the ground
and said unto him. Why have | found
grace in thine eyes, seeing that | am a
stranger" He returned the book point
ing to the thirteenth verse of the third
Epstle of John-"Having many things
to write unto you, | would not write
with paper and ink, but trust to come
unto you, and speak face to face, that oul
10y may be full" From the above in
terview marriage took place the ensuing
week.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

both wisely and we'll. lie never sacrif-
ces her real though remote interests to a
popular camor, and still less at the de-
mand of those who hold the power.--
Neither will he corrupt the virtue nor
tarnish the honor of his country to serve
her mere sordid interests. Rather will
he initiate Aristides, who reporting to
the Athenians that certain proposition
was indeed for their immediate aJvan.
tage, but would bring dishonor upon
the State, counseled that they reject it.
/ have said nothing about " loyalty"
II is word which belongs justly, but
only for Kingly governments. l can
comprehend loyalty to King, and espec-
tally to a Queen; but as an American,
choose to adhere to the good and honest
word, "patriotism." and to cherish the
virtues which it has always been used
to express.
Aspire, then, young gentlemen. you
who would pursue public course, to be
patriot Have faith--absolut
unquestioning, immovable--that faith
which speaks to itself in The silence and
calm of the hearts own beating, saying:
If not to day, then tomorrow, or next,
or some other day, at some other time,
all will be well. Without this, no man
ever achieved greatness. Be incorrupti.
bic in your integrity; be scrupulous and
exact in honor; be inexorable in your
deliberate, well considered purposes, be
appalled, by no difficulties. Amplify
your minds, but still more, be great in
soul, 1t is this which shall lift you high
up above the earth, and assimilate you
with that which is divine. Without it,
you will but creep with dusty and droil-
ing and wearied wing. Without it,
think not to endure that cruel and crush
ing weight Of doing and suffering which
he must bear who faithfully and with
heroism, at any time, but most of all in
periods of grea public copvulsion, would
act the part of patriot statesman.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
Exemptions from Disability Cur
Down.

The Government surgeons who exam
inc drafted men, says the New York
World, have received new set of instruc-
tions, which ore great improvement up
on those under which they acted during
the last draft. The list of exempting
complaints arc cut down one half or more
and it the surgeons are honest, hereafter
it will be twice as difficult to escape un-
der plea of disability. Under the draft
which takes place in January, those ex.
empted previously are liable to at least
re-examination; so that many persons
who thought they had secured themselv yes
against military service for life will find
that they will still have one more chance
to serve their country.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

ONE of our "Type-stickers" seemed
for several days ailing, which led to some
anxiety concerning him. He appeared
dull and heavy, rs il some trouble press
cd his mind. "What is the matter 2"
we inquired, when attention was called
to his case. He turned, and fixing upon
us a stony eye, asked "Can you tell
me why Eve was like a respectable firm
on Broadway ?" We humored him by
saying we didn't know. because, said
he, "she was Adams express company!'
The effort relieved him. and he turned
with more cheerful countenance to his
stick and rule.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
A Yankee Device.

One Of our peculiar, slab sided, gaunt
Yankees lately emigrated and settled
down in the West He was the very
picture Of mean man, but as he put
himself to work in good earnest to get
his house to rights the neghbors willing
ly lent him hand. After he had every
thing fixed to his notion---a thought
struck him that he had no. chickens, and
he was powerful fond of sucking raw
eggs. He was too honest to steal them,
and too mean to buy them. AT last
thought struck him, he could borrow
He went to neighbor, and thus acosted
him
oval, I reckon you hain't got an old
hen nor nothin' you'll lend me for few
weeks, have you neighbor 2"
81 will lend you one with pleasure. !"
replied the gentleman. picking out the
very finest in the coop, one that happen
ed to desire to set.
The Yankee took the hen home, and
then went to another neighbor and Dor.
rowed dozen eggs. He then set the
hen, and in due course Of time she hatch-
ed out a dozen chickens.
The Yankee was again puzzled he
could return the hen, but how was he TO
return the eggs? Another idea and
who ever saw live Yankee without one?
He would keep the hen until shs had laid
dozen
This he did, and then returned the hen
and eggs to their respective owners, re-
marking as he did so
oval, | reckon I've got as fae doz.
en- of chickens as ever you laid eyes on,
and they did't cost me cent nuther,"
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
The Girls will Talk.

Here is a warning to ladies who talk
too much
A Partisan Banker, very wealthy ana
generous, was engaged to marry a lady of
high rank, and everything was prepared
The bridegroom had sent in the corbelle,
which was extremely rich, the diamonds
alone being worth over two hundred thou
sand francs. Wishing to enjoy the graf
ification of his bride, he followed close
on tho heels of his present, and finding
no one in, he ensconced himself in the
window behind the curtains. Presently
a whole bevy of girls Auttered into the
room, and all began talking at once
Oh, did you ever see such a beautiful cor
belle? Louisa is lucky what gentle
manly husband she will have. She ought
to be happy, to be sure; but do you know
what she told me just now ? why, tha
she would rather have the corhele with.
out the gentleman who gave it." 81
can't be-she never said So" "She GER
tainly did, and there she is--ask her fol
yourself. Louisa, didn't you tell me yo,
would rather have the corbele alone
without Mr." "Yes / cay so; bu
that's between ourselves" "Much obi
ged to you, Madam moiselle," said Mr.
coming forward, "you shall not hav
either" SO saying, he coolly put tn
splendid present under his arm, anf
walked off, leaving the ladies in an en-
! barrassment "easier conceived than ex
| pressed"
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
Didu't Lose Much by II.

Mr.. James Hunter. of Lagrange in this
county, who was driven from employ
ment because he would not vote for The
Brough ticket hasn't been much the loser
by the disgraceful ostracism. Whereas
he was only receiving about $3.50 per an.
mum from his intolerant Brough master,
he now finds himself in employment al
the carpentering busir ess in Hammonds'
vile, in this county. at the snug little sal
airy of S626 per year The honest man
whom brutal tyranny cannot frighten
from his integrity need never fear desti'
tuition. His wife will never starve MOI
his children cry for bread [; way of life
and happiness will be opened for them.--
Steu5enviAe Courier,
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
Tuyncd Out in Eight Hours.

A Doctor in Ohio writes to his father
thus
"DEER DADpy-I concluded ide cum
down an git grinded into doctor. /
hardly don't think war in more than
s ours afore / cum out as slick one as
ever was seen.
"Hale columby, happy land.
] pukes, purges. and l sweets 'em.
Then if they dy, wi--then I let's 'em -
al gets plenty of custom bekase they
says they die ezy. When you Rite
don't forget to put Doctor afore my name.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

If you want to make girl, who is
vain of her beauty, mad, tell her you
went to party last night, and was intro
duced to Miss, the handsomest
girl you ever saw in your life. The mo-
ment your back is turned shewill com
mence making faces at you. That's
so, try it. ..
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

The Bible says. "Blessed are the peace
makers, for they shall be called the chill
dren of God" The transverse reading
of the same inspired sentiment is,
"Cursed are the war-mskers, for they
shall be called the children of the Devil"
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

Why does dog wag his tail ?--
Because the dog is stronger than the tail;
if he wasn't the tail would wag the dog
Don't you see ?
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
JEWELRY, &C.
A. ii. FREY.
N. y. MCCOK MICK,

txvATCU MAKER AND JEWELER, Main ~.
,M!;uo ,MM!;urshmrg ii t2l2Ol
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
HOTELS.
OHIO HOUSE.

UOXWORTH, Propriqtor-w%est cnn OF o,', snln
i street, Millersburg, Ohio, II stage eoU,,-o Uu'o
nsiiy line of coaches TO Coshocton. (2i'lp
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
MISCELLANEOUS.

vxTATCV AND CLOCK MAKER, one door east
w OF 4. X, Woirich's Hardware store, o, MN anI
street. Mllcrsburg,O q. l'''
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

From tomb stone in a retired and
shady nook, some twenty-five miles from
ever mem orial battle field of Waterloo
Here lies the bones of Alex. Mcpherson
He was a most extraordinary person;
He was slew
At Waterloo,
The Bullet
Went in his Gullet
And came out at the back OF his neck.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

COUNTY RECORDER and NOTARY pubLrio'
~ Mllcrsburg, o. lle is all times renHS \" 'ul
nish, oil up and take nekh"wn@nsh'mJ and Powers Of
Attorney, aud Record the same take Dopositi3hs
To be used in any Of the Courts of tins STATE hao'
Protest Notes, 3il of hxchanko &C o"cv' ~ Wv
Colnty Recorders Office. l-'-'I
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03

Greenhacks succeeded in every State
except gallant little New Jersey.
Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1863-12-03
BACK PAY, BOUNTY sc.

rV A.TAYLOR, Notary Public. lioimesvilie,o "
D.. will promptly attend 70 procuring eaSk ,, pay
bounty and pensions for disabled and discharge
roidiers and To tho collection Of claims i9r IN
tiends Of those deceased. N@'-'
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1863-03-24

The steamship City OF Manchester. Capt Gill; which
rived here yesterday from Liverpool Queenstown brings
day later and beats the Europa due Boston
morning upwards Of two days
SHIP DREApSouGHr, Samuels, from Liverpool for New
York Al fayal lsth ut having lost rdier Capt
Samues leg had been broken II days BEFORE and had
Taylor Co OF Liverpool, shpmaster TO Fsyai to
take charge of the Dgeadnought
American Ports.
NEW ORLEANS Msrch ga g-Arr steamships 81 Mary,
Talbot and Crescent billiard. Baton Rouge; Tennessee,
Johnson Pensacola and ship Island Brem ship Anoinette.
Roman Liverpool, brig Mary q Mariner Mariner Boston;
Althea Coron Coast OF Texas; Gar Hammond. from
the Bar. VIM wilson Ryan. NYork.
i0b-Arr steamships New Brunswick, Winchester. from
Quarantine station Nassau, Clapp, Pensacola and Ship
Island; ship West Point Nyork bark White Sea Evans,
do; brigs Fanny Foukes foulkes Philadelphia Parana,
Green, Turks Islands; Ellen stewart Cain Vern Cruz via
Tuspnn Venice, Hibbs Vera Cruz CID steamship Nj sis
sipp Baxter, Niork via Ship Island and Key West; Mel
WIFE, Ellis Matanoros; ship Cowper Sparrow. Cadiz
zet'ne, Cunningham, Boston, TacoDy Munday, PhilaGel
phia s.hrs smith, Feni Eoe, smith, and Caroline,
Jorgenson. Matamo o.
Iih-Cii schr Alliance. ireland, NYork.
l2th--Arr steamship Crescent. Latham, BATON Rouge.
I3hArr steamship Eastern Queen Collins Baton Rouge.
ships la Manche tFr, from Hsgre; Anna from SYork
MAYO, and Carer from Liyerpoo wharf King Scoio,
from Boston; parks Wright jr Doane from do; Comet,
Morrison, from fhtaielD hia Fetiwng jayne from New
York brig Clark from Pensacola, wig orders Al the
Hopkins, Havana srhrs l. A Edwards, Line, Nlork, WIN
Wilson. Ryan, Ruaian Island.
Tow 90 ships Geo Peabody Red Gauntlet. len
nic Beais and Lisbon; bark Columbia; brig II Filler;
sh, bark Pavnec. brig Hope; 10th. bark Reindeer.
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1863-03-24

s q =: ~
in no has reoords Or who have yet been nesfS o.
ns that saturday last should Be ths date OF thor
wss.e.. ho.sysr .a,s.i.c%sn' gSe,shsd IN The
naun %ad b s A. :. sihe,aas hss ans 1
"ssly his own accoant and that be has no
sa WITH any person n.
having ensased coasoDoaE surf for inras yssSs sad
LAYING rs. rsdsh Kin ensassd so ssSs wnFhss 70 ~ 10
her engagement should terminate present 10 enable
VII remain al Tho scum short u.S ioass IL order tSs
those VINO attended, he eyees q General Tom lhu@o and
dore Mutt and Minnie Warren D,mnaye ,he Gem.
aeye eped weigh 81, .,r than hs.. much thur
united weigni oe'ag ..s han hity pounds an,e ana
psopeon, Neysr ,eon aess many as Y n 49,
S s On v .ns me- S va mea
visitors will fully attest thnt he ana tie Minnie
are the most enoAanng charming beautiful bllhe merry
he Of The isne, q Poet who have dreamed q
the aiy mythooges Of the Creek, he Roman aud the Ger
Whereas also, n thoroughly repaired
er,nei ana d.cor.ted smbr'lshrd N every department
TIE HERO DRUMMER BOY who has salsnty pasted
who himsei. shot and capared ret, al he bAGs me
TiiE oRET HIrroror,MUs VI arr, on a,su,y;l.
los ~ seeing this marvel ef the anti A.. r.eit On
NJ. Il GREAT ROARING BLACK SEA LION u als1
view Il short longer Mos 'enre FAINT tt wih
tn characeristigs o he lion OF NE and r.. Ancs ~
strpugcnesg the lion II the lie
the chierHirhts OF the Museum.
YliE WHAT IS IT and tie CURIOUS NntNo FAMILY
a. he "a Az umes--e foiar tiaH enc most nra
dosieai q living beings and the iter ~ most singular
/ species OF the human family
/ ri GRAND hQUARIA. with separate aquarium
hed with various besutt Fish anS rrpcn
ishcf ana t.proycd " one % the aiuarn Wv TIE
GOLDEN ANGEL FISH TO be other collection ~
thr void ~ cInr3 rival those rainbow
irtiesCcnt body gers With every prisnac hn" ~ the
aq, 4ris ALSO. win be found the crrhrAtrd BIC Trout
which Weighs I've rounds and cost fhn
/ TIE iEAENED SEAL NED a eonelHnlt IN rshtDl
ion. " performs tunes on fuAata usttnmtnt Mhr
would thousand miles hah play thu nddf
| Herr u similar task r really accomplished
l THE HAPPi FAMILY. MAMMOTH BFAk SAMSON,
| IiNikt. OrlERS, GRAND tbsMpRNMA ENDRuOu :
LIVING Sff'EN'S FANCY GLASS BLOWING NEW
WAX tliuf :, tncndng pUtks Al,IURlA Rna the
| PRINCE or WALES. the GALAXY Or PAINTINGS amt