Burlington free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1827-1865, 1863-09-04
Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales.


barn tins summer. Il hain't had no time :,
write letters TO folks. ExeOOs me.
Numeris changes has token place sine,
we met in the body polite. The body poll
tic, in fack, is sick | sumtimes think i
has got biles, friend Wales
In my country we've got war, while YOU
country, IN conjunktion with Cap'n SENS O
the Afa5arnay. manetanes a noOtrOl position
I'm afraid can't write goaks when si
about it. Oh, no. guess not
Yes, Sir, we've got a war. and the troS
Patrit has to make sacrifsscs, you bet
! have already given two cousins to the
war, and | stand reddy to sacrifss my wife.
brother ruther n not see the rebelyin krusht
And if wuss comes 10 wuss, IT shed ey'ry
drop Of blud my able-bOdied relations has
got TO prosekOot the war. | think sumbody
outer be prosekoOted, & it may as well be
the war as any body else. When ! git a
goakin tit unto me it's no use to try ter stou
me
You hearn about the draft, friend Wales.
no doubt. 1t caused sum squirmin', but IL
was fairly conducted, think, for it hit all
classes. Ii is troo that Wendill Phillips
who Is American citizen of African scent,
scaped, but SO did Vallandiggum, who is
l COnseryativ, and who wus resuntly sent
/ South, tho he would have bin sent to the
Tortoogus il Abe had 'sposed for a mint
that the Tortoogusses would keep him.
/ We hain't got any daily paper in our
town, but we've got female sewin circle,
which ansors the same purpuss, and We
wasn't long in suspents as to who was draft
ed.
One young man who was drawd claimed
TO be exemp because he was the only son Of
a Widow'd mother who supported Lin. A
lew able-bodied dead men was drafted, but
whether their heirs viii have 70 pay 5 hun
dred dollars peace for en- Is a question for
W hi,in, who 'pesrs 10 be tinkerin' up this
DRAFT hizni7 nigh; smart hope he makes
good wage
think u--, e' tie cJnscrips ol tiis
place viii =. \ few VIII 90 to Cauady,
stoppin' nt Concord, y. H., where | under
stan there : = Mu-iam OF lIs-ts.
lau ~ I'm saS-v, friend Wales, Littiu
al sides; lu. 10 ciense j. meut. You know
| amt politician, aud never was. vote
for Sir Jniol-that's the only candidate
I've ga. ] claim. howseyer, 70 have we'll
balaucci mind tho my ile.s of we'll
balanced mind differs from the ideas Of
partner once had, whose name rEs Blllson.
Bill-on and me organized strollin dramatic
company. / We played The Drunkard, or the
Falling Saved, with a real drunksrd The
play didn't take particularly, and says Bill
son 10 me, Let's give EN- some immOrtzl
drammy. We had large troop onto our
hands. consistin' Of eight tragedians and
bass drum, but | says, No, Billson; and
then, says |, BillsOn, you hain't got a we'll
Ii. l. n = !
hoss-hy (he was q low cuss)-yes, have. |
have mind, SAYS he, that balances in any
direction that the public rekires. That's
what calls a well-balanced mind. -old
out and bid adoo to Billson. He is now an
Outcast in the State Of Vermont. The mis-
er bic man once played Hamlet. There
wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' TO expire
to slow moosic, he died playin' on a claron-
net himself. interpreted with heart-rendin'
groans. Il such is the world Alars alars
how onthankful we air TO that Providence
which kindly allows us to live and borrow
money. and fail and DO bi1ness
But to return 10 our subject. With our
resunt crate trIumps on the Mississippi, the
Father of Waters land them is waters no
Father need feel 'shamed of-twig the wit
tikism p, and the cheerin' look Of things in
other places, ! reckon we shan't want any
Muslum of llarts. And what upon airth do
the people of Concord, n H., want Mus
lum of Iarts for, Hain't you got the Stat
House now ? & what more do you want?
But all this Is iurrin to the purpose of this
note, arter all. Ny objeck in now address
in YOU Is to give YOU sum advice, friend
Wales, about manasin your wife, biziness
I've had about thirty years experience in.
You had a good weddin. The papers hav
a good deal 10 say about wilkins in con-
nection tharewith Not knowing what that
air and so frankly tells you, my noble lord
dook Of the throne, can I Eaekly say wheth-
er we had EN- or not. We was both very
much illustrated. But never enjoyed my
self better in my life
DOwtless, your supper was ahead of on m
As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers
shaky. But you can git good meal in New
York, & cheap too. You can git half mack
ri at Delmonioo's or Mr. Mason Dory's for
six dollars, and billed pertaters throw'd in.
As sed manise my wife without any
particlar trouble. When | fust eommenst
trainin' her institooted series Of expert
ments. and them as didn't work | sband-
ing'd. You'd better do simi1er Your wife
may objeck to gittin' up and buildin' the
fire in the mornin', but if you commence
with her at once you may be able to overkum
this prejOodiss. | regret 10 obsarve that |
didn't commence arly enuf. | wouldn't have
you s'pose was ever kicked out Of bed. Not
at all. simply say, in regard to blldin'
fires, that didn't commence arly enuf. IL
was a ruther cold mornin' when fust pro-
posed the idec 70 Betsy.-It wasn't well re-
ceived, And found myself layin' on the floor
putty student. thought Id git up and
bid the fire myself
Of course now you re married you can cat
onious Iallus did, and if know my own
hart, allus will. Ny daughter, who is
goin on II and is frisky, says they's disgus-
tin. And speakin Of my daughter reminds
me that quite a number of young men have
suddenly discovered that I'm a very enter
tainin old feller, and they visit US frekently,
specially on Sunday evenins. One chap
lawyer by habIt-don't cum as much as be
did. Ny wife's father lives with Us. His
intellect totters little, and he saves the
papers containin' the proceedings of our
State Legislator. The old genT Tman likes
to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble well.
lie eats hash freely, which makes his voice
clear but as he unfortunately has to spell the
hA'cN VI hio WbA-of ~ ANe@~' o-S"s
Wall, whenever this lawyer made his ap-
pearance | would set the the old man a-resd-
in the Legislatiy' reports. | kept the young
lawyer up one night till l2 O'Clock, listenin
to lot of acts in regard to drsw-bridge
away orr in the east part of the State, hav-
in sent my daughter TO bed at balfpast 8.
He hasn't been there since, and under
stan be says 90 round swindlin' the Pub ]
lie. ..l.
| never attempted TO reorganize my wife
but once. shall never attempt It agin. ia
bin to public dinner, and had allowed my
self to be betrayed into drinkin' several peo-
pies healths and wishin' to make 'em as
robust as possible, ! continued drinkin' their
healths until my own became affected Con
sekens was, presented myself at Bctsy's
bedside late at night with eonsid bic ticker
concealed about my person. had sumhow
got perseshun of hosswhip on my way
home, and rememberin' sum cranky obserya-
tions Of Mrs. Wards in the mornin', / snapt
the whip putty lively, and. in a very loud
uaica | sad RetEv vatt r,a.ad rar-rr.