Delaware gazette. [volume] (Delaware, Ohio) 1855-1886, 1863-03-20
SOLOMON SWALLOW,
THE WOMAN TAMER
+" Rule ,oifs and haze a rife


SOLOMON SWALLOW was a bachelor, and
rusty Que, too; but nevertheless be had made
up his mind TO one thing, that he was the only
man living who bad acquired any knowledge
of the sublime art of taking care of wife
"All the married men are dolIs." was Sol
Omons constant observation. "T'here, for in
stance, is my neighbor Tom Tangible his
wife makes a sort of three-legged stool o.
him; she moves him in one corner and then in
another, and sits on him aud walks on him as
if be was nobody in the house while he, poor
man, takes it as easy as though it was the
most natural thing 10 the world. Now, if ]
were only Tom Tangible, I'd first write a Sc
ries of matrimonial articles, and if Mrs r.
didn't abide by them, I'd submit her TO the
wholesome discipline of bread and water and g
paddock; and might prehaps brighten her idens
touching her cOnjngal duties, by the applca-
ton of coed cowhide And there again are
Evert Easy, Dick Snooks, aud host more oI
them in the eume condition, but l, I'm the
boy that will see them all right, if they only
follow my example, after have condescended
to cndow some fortunate female with the Legal
claim to the title of Mrs Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow.
Well, Solomon" said a neigibor to him
one morning, "as you are always boasIine
Of your skill in managing a wife, how come.
it that you are not married?'
why, because have not perfected my sys-
tcml You peked your head into the nouse
wilhour making any preparation. and hence
Mrs. Everly makes what she likes of YOU
But go to work log ically. l begin by ysludy-
ing the erudite works of ZiugrubrazO "On the
philosophy of woman S holding her tongue !
then read several treat ises ION the effect oi
bread and waller discipline in making good
wives" Shakspeare's Flaming a Shrew," fur
nishes me with few excellent ideas. And l
am now geaeralizing all their systems into one,
which shall carry The sway in all future gener-
ations, and convert the piugue of matrilnony
into a blessing In the course of u year or
two, added Solomon, my Rules for the Regu-
lation of Woman, intend to publish il)
will be completed, and then shall take me i
WIFE,
And Solomon was as good as his word, for
at the age of twenty-five, (feeli.g himself pre-
pared TO give battle TO any woman in or out
of the land OF Amazons) he got married. At
this important period Solomon was as puffy,
comfortable looking a little fellow as you'd
meet in days walk, for albeit the crown oil
his head never stood full five feet from the
heels of his boots, he was of proportions that
would have done honor to an alderman, or even
lord mayor; and his gait Especially WI en-
walking with anything in the likeness Of a
woman) was as pOmpous as Sultans, while
an expression that could not have bropked the
approach of female familiarity. The lady
whom Solomon bad chosen for his 'worser'
half was apparently a lamb-lke creature, so
that the chances were very fair that she would
not only be a tractable wife, but that Solo
mon would require no help from his system 10
make her so.
Now Solomon had the forbearance not te
interfere. with bis wifes sayings and doings al
the wedding. nor is it recorded that he assum
ed especial authority on the next night, either
but about six O'Clock the next morning be
awoke her with soft iasiBuation shat it was
time to get up. q And,T he added, "wher
breakfast is ready, you may call me, but bC
sure and don't burn the toast
breakfast and toast" said Mrs. Swallow
why what do you meau?'
why, my dear, mean madam, that have
begun my system
And won't you get up too?'
Yes, when breakfast is ready and my stock
ings aired
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply; but sh,
checked herself as she was ashamed to say mucl
to him on SO short an acquaintance; bu
though in the present instance she did pre-
cisely as she was bid, she resolved in her hear
that it was the last time she would get up a
six in the morning to get breakfast.
At eight o'clock everything being ready
Mrs Swallow called Mr.. Swallow
Breakfast is ready, Mr.. Swallow
is the toast nader
Yes
Nor burned?
NO
Are my stockings aired2'
Yes
You'll do quoth afr. Swallow, and t
breakfast he went, having received the service
of the blushing Mrs. Swallow to assist him i
dressing.
The breakfast, however, did not turn out Il
be the thing it had been cracked up for. Th
toast was done a little too much, and the te
wasn't done quite enough, the slop bowl wa
at the wrong end Of the tray, aud there wa
several crumbs on the carpet.
The servant hasn't been here this morning
observed Mrs, Swallow.
s'ServaEtP returned Solomon, i discharge
her yesterday. You don't think 1 can affor
to keep q servant and a wife too!'
The lady was again posed, and she sai
nothing, but the day wore to its close ere sh
could bring herself to the belief that Nj
Swallow had actually made use of the word
servant and wife in the same sentence
The next morning at six o'clock, Mr.. Swal
low again informed his wife that it was tim
to get up, coupling the remark with the sug
gestion that in the future she must save hir
the trouble of reminding her of SO necessar
duty.
Mr.. Swallow, however, benefited nothing b
tALsa e. tt,o ,,,nu,auk 81