, 1863-03-21
Q(}lcoeo @riio1l11e.


En11Gl; 7. r.: ara oeea Very i'll, my boy
Il E::,c t,tn very II; and even noT, the
hand which gE,:l,> tie pen tremblcs with
weakness, like tho hand Of the wind upon q
slendrr rush. I hare been reminded Of my
latter end, and Of our Excellent National
Democratic organization, BY IN Outrage upon
my Constitution aud the Arbitrary Arrest Of
my l,caltll-procerdn5s which seem to prove
that the well7known Southern Co.lfvdera,cy is
entirely rigft in this war, and that the North
is chiefly composed of Honest Old despots.
{see rrocecdinEs Of Democratic organization,
A. lay sick in Strategy Hall the other day,
80 desolately lonely hat almost wisl,sd t.
die, and without energy enough to finish 1cad-
ing the gtesnback l had commenced that
morning, there ca,Me to see me an aff..ble
Democratic chap who had just recovered from
severe bilious attack brought on By the Con
ecription Bill, and wished to consult me rs to
the propElcty of nominating Dr.. Brandreth
Tor President of the United States in 1865.
''Nhy, my future Jefferson" says |, fec
bly, .wtat are Eou going TO do with McClcl-
.'Kta1y," says be, just stepping across the
ward to spit upon i copy Of the Tribune.
Which strrrd as i W-curtain-ss really.
forget all about that manly form. OH" says
thc pleasant Democratic chap, replacing tie
Constitution in his hat, from which it had
just fallen, "oh! what heroism do We find
of al assembled universe asks: sSha!l 6. B.
Mcclellan 90 unrcwardcd:' There is no cc;o
at the time. 1t asks again: tWho. then, shall
be President Of the United States in 1S65.'
And echo triuniphantly answers: General
George Barnum McClellan!''' ~
Here the adablc Democratic chap took off
guisedly at small black bottle on tic table.
"But,'' Gays ]. softly, 'this name is not
George Da1eum Mcclellan at all. Ills middle
name is not Barnun1."
"Hem,' says the Democratic chap, with 4
severn aspect, t. I don't know that it is.
Really" sass the Democratic chap, hastily
picking up his umbrella and moving away
"rcally, I don't know that It is."
Mistakes, MY boy, will happen In the best
regulated organizations; and if we coustrue
them maliciously, NC deserve, like parcel
OF scandal-mongering old Bo-hsa-mians, to
be confined all our lives to small coups Of Phin-
eas T.
It was during my illness that the adoring
citizens Of Afugyille discovered TINT the Ven
cFable Cannon had been defeated ten times
in the election for county clerk, in his youth,
and frnntic.lly instlgated m overi1owiug ova.
tion therefor to tnat venerable man. Iknow
picture of perpetual bencdcence has done to
be such an idol. I cannot conceive WHY re.
| pcated defeats in bis youth should entitlc linn
| to the adora'ion Of q fond populace at the
| present exciting period; but The leading citi.
zcns presented him with silver buttcr-knife
hnd serenade, my boy; and he made be-
tence desired only the applause Of their OWE
| cOnEcIences,
| "ky children" says the Venerable Gam
mon, waving. .bcnefactions in his fat and heart
felt 1Eanncr, II accept this butter knife-no
| for my own merits, but because it symbolzes
the only true means Of restoring thst UnioE
| ri <Ef To+t II
the Venerable Gammon, eyeing the costly gif
with oily and benignont eatisfaction-" this
| knife teaches Us that only deniish Abolition
ism would think Of using the Sword of Rasli
callem to conquer the errlng Confcderacy
WHICH is still our tister, when the Butter
kniic Of Conservatism was to be had.''
TEcn all the leading citizens of Musyill,
observed joyfully to each other that the couh
try was redeemed ut last, and four. .and- twent,
reliable morning Journals published six col
unsns each about tho triumphant progress o
the Venerable Cannon in the affections 0
the people.
Among those present at this sublime oya
tion, my boy, mas an aged chap selling apples
who Immediately burst into tears when th
voice Of the venerable man fell on his ears
Un being asked to explain his emotions, b
cast his dim eyes upward toward an America
| flag, which Was being used by a merchant nea
BY 10 advertise patent pills, and says he, bro
kenly:
"When hear that voice, and see that FLAG
all my manhood crumblcs into sca1din:
| tears.''
He WAS an apple-5ellcr Of fine feelings, AM
had once served as desertcr in the army u
tho Potomac.
Pathetic little incidents like these, nv boy
humble though they may be, are pregaan
with n deep and touching meanfug, Of Wllcl
I have not the remotest conception.
There is 4 new Mackerel Hotel recentl
erected on the borders Of Duck Lake, nea
Strategy Hall, for the benefit Of Brigadier
who have not been accustomed to doing with
out bar, and It was in one Of the room
thereof that the Conservative Kentucky Cha
recently fell a victim to the most remarkabl
optical illusion Of this distracted century
Hc was sitting with his back to window, IN
boy, his head drooped upon his breast bcneat
and with arms folded and legs screwed awr
on his chair, he was contemplating the oppl
site wall from under his Conservative hat.
"Hnmr SAYS he, with subdued ecstacJ
show sweet II is to look upon thu map Of III
natIve land, Of which Kentucky is the gaic
says Conservative Chap, 1houghtfully, "an.
reflect upon The recent Improvement in Ker
! tucky, it becomes n question in nv min
whether Kentucky is the United States, q
the United States is Kentucky
Following the direction Of his eyes ns Il
said this. my boy, I behcld upon thu wall Of
positc where he was sitting:
4 CONSERVATIVE KENrrcKT MAP OF Al
AMERICA.
ttLook here, my absorbed Tal1cyrlnd,
Eays /, in establishment, "thas's not MAP
It's only your own shadow on the WALL"
lie moved rs spoke, and then, for the fl:
time. discovered his illusion.
"uum ~ says lie, ttit il map of the Uu}o
in the sense that the Union is but shade
| nf its former sr1f,s
The Conservative Kentucky Chap is actual
SO insufcrabiy eEotisticzf, my boy, and {
i1ubued with the idea that Kentucky is tt
whole country, that it is almost impossib
for BIN to sit on a chair without THROWN
his body into allacst the exact Shape Of Il
> The AIackerel Brigade still remains on ii,
side Of Paris, aud it docs much good to ii
military heart, my boy, to be with the spe
taclcd veterans once more. Yesterday tt
( Chaplain and I were talking to . dcbilitatt
Mackerol chap from The Sixth Ward, who Ii;
Just graduated ut Strategy Hall, and says Il
!. Chaplain:
II hope, my son, that your bodily sicknc
has been Of benefit to yeur soul"
The Macke1cl took pill, and says he: ~
soul is exhausted with waiting for my pa
which desire to send to the partner OF Il
bosom. AIR says the poor ctnp, signing,
MAS model husband to that air piece Of cali
before this here war dfyorcctlus."
= "a model husband!" says the Chaplai
with sudden excitement, turning to N
"Wby, such being rs model husband Is
,,e .n'e as @ genet. Let me- give you ny ilea
J. taking folded paper from his breast. A.
lie forthwith delivered the following:
, THE PERFECT HUSBAND.
slight unto the Morn.
= So Tine 10 him unfolds her;
) A. holds the light the day,