The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1863-01-28
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
WArrR-a fluid once used as drink,

WATER-a fluid once used as drink.
GENTEEL society is a conglomerate of
miss cries and histories.
WHEN is n rose-bush like an editor!
When it begins TO blow.
THE right man in tho right place-a
husband at home in the evening.
WHAT creatures have the greatest pow
er to charmf Women and snakes,
A FEMALE volunteer was detected by
attempting to put her pants on over her
head.
"WHAT q birrid he is, suro," said Pat
rick of n skunk, "he perfumes like a
dandy"
OUR girls play on pianos, and our sol
diers on the forts. United, would it be
pianofortca
IT being charged that some scamps are
in league with hell, Prentice answers that
they are within a league of it.
He is contemplate fellow who sncaks
through life on tiptoe, with his ears to the
koyhole Of everybody's business.
TRUE Friendship--Insccts swarm
around you in the sunshine, but only the
faithful dog stays by you in a storm.
MANY of the waves of trouble, like
those of the ocean, will, if we await them
calmly, break at our feet and disappear.
A TOMBSTONE cutter contracted the
motto, Let her rest in peace" for want
of space, and il stood, "Let her r. j. p."
WOMAN was sent into the world to
make mischief, and jewels were invented
afterwards TO make her still more mis-
chievous.
"IF the yillainous shell had exploded
between u.s." said soldier, "we should
have been candidates for mahogany suits
with silver buttons"
A MICHIGAN soldier who was accused
of stealing rebels goose, said he found
the bird Kissing at the American flag, and
arrested it for treason.
A FARMER, much troubled with stray
ours, gave them notice on n painted
board, rs follows: "AIl dogs caught on
these grounds will DC shot"
AN Irishman who hung out striped
petticoat for flag, was asked what ii
meant. "Why, sure" said he, "its the
imblim of the country love-"
TEACHER" What does hair spell 2"
Boy" Don't know" Teacher" What
have you got on your headg" Boy
"Dont know. Something that bites"
QUILP says, when he sees kisses be-
tween women it reminds him of two hand
some unmatched charming things
with their proper mates, but good for
nothing that ,00y!
A MINISTER, who presented a new shell
of his invention to the war department,
said that he had long preached hell in the
abstract, but thought he had got it here
in concentrated form.
SOME young ladies brought our bach,
elor friend n boquct Of wormwood and
tansy, to which. he answered that they
might bring him something bitterer yet,
but he should not ask them-thc vii.
lain.
"SUsAN," said mn Irislman to n fellow
servant, "what are the bells ringing for y
" In honor of the Princess's birthday"
was the reply. BE aisy, jewell" rejoin-
ed Pat; "nono Of your thricks upon
travellers; twas the Prince of Wales on
the ninth, and how can it be his sisters
twelve days after, unless they are twins p
UNITED STATAs TAx-FREsH PRovIs-
IoNs.-As there are many omissions in
the United States tax schedule, we have
taken the liberty 10 supply a portion of
them, and shall transmit copy to Secre-
tary Chase, expecting his acceptance and
thanks:
For lending n newspaper, SO.
For eating hard crackers out of the ar
my, 10 cents.
For kissing in the dark" two cents.
If the old folks arc opposed, exempt from
tax.
For not bowing to niger artcr the
fust of January, 81.
For playing cuchre with girl, 25 cents.
When hearts are trumps," 81.
For counting the stripes in balmoral,
so cents.
For not oppreciaiing John Browns"
song hourly, 81.
On each Irritation, So and upwards, ac-
cording to "sighs."
On every single lady over twenty, ST..
(This is useless--there isn't any,
On the prettiest baby in the United
States, 81, 900. AS eUery woman thinks
her baby the prettest, this will realize an
enormous sum-