Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1863-08-20
Miscellaneous SsaEis.


- Out of darkness cometh light" as the
printers devil said when he looked into an
WHY Is minister Ike locomotive >
We have to look out for him when the bell
rings.
People usually con. der two hands enough
for all purposes, but we recently saw AMMAN
who got little behind hand.
-" What church do you attend, Mrs. Par
tington?" ''Oh, any paradox church where
the Gospel is dispensed with ]" .. ~
: The poet Dryden, on the tomb of his
wife: r.es
Here lies my wife. here let her lie;
She's now at rest-and so am IL
The climax Of superfous politeness has
been declared to be that of holding an UNI
brella over a duck in.tie rain.
Rebel papers say that the seat of Gov
eminent Of Mississippi, which went out OF
Jackson in a carpet-bag, has located itself at
Enterprise.
-"How many legs would dog have if you
called his tail one:" Five, of course" No,
only four It wouldn't make his tail leg to
call it one"
There is aworId of beautiful meaning in
the following rather liberal translation from
Freeville:
AS the clock strikes the hour how often
we say, Time flies; when 'tiswe that are pass
ing away" a @t
- The Oldest of three brothers residing in
Moultonboro, \. H., recently married quite a
young girl; the next younger brother married
] the girls mother, and the youngest took for
his wife the grandmother.
1t would seem that the rebel ladies in
the portions OF Tennessee visited by the Fed
eral troops, can't be considered as exactly
presentable. a letter to the Chattanooga
Rebel says they have stripped Of everything.
- A farmer, more celebrated for his fine
stock than a good education, spoke to the
Secretary OF. an agricultural society in regard
to entering his animals for the premiums of
fered, and added is a postscript, as follows ::
Also enter me for the best jackass. l am
sure Of the premium"
"A genius in New Bedford is fitting up a
steamer for the purpose of towing icebergs to
India; where they sell for six cents pound.
Another proposes to do still better-to fit "a
screw in the ieeburg itself, and thus avoid the
expense Of ship building. Cute chaps, both Of
'em. d
A lady who had boosted highly at the
dinner party of the good manners OF her lit
tie darling, addressed him thus: " Charlie,
my dear, won't you have some beans -
No." was the ill-mannered reply Of the
petulent cherub. NO" exclaimed the as
tonished mother /" No what 2" ''No beans"
said the child.
-' | tell you what" said a vender of gro
ceries to a customer, who thought his charges
rather steep eggs are eggs, nowadays.
Il am glad of it." said the customer, for
the last bought OF you were half chickens"
=" Well, what next ?" said Mrs Parting
ton, as she interrupted Ike, who was reading
the war news" the piclets were driven in
five miles! Bless my poor soul, but that will
make strong fence. suppose, they had to
be driven IN deep to keep the sessonaders
from digging out under them"
A boy who had not returned after the
holidays to school, which the master charged
him to do, came at last loaded with fine ham,
as bride to the master, who took the ham,
but f1ogged the lad, and told him that he might
give his compliments to his mother for the
ham, but assured him that it should not save
his bacon.
An emperor Of China making progress,
discovered family in which the master, with
his wives, children, grandchildren, daughters
in-law, and servants ali lived in perfect peace
and harmony. The emperor admiring this,
inquired of the old man what means he en-
ployed to preserve quiet among such a num-
Der of persons. The man, taking out a pen
ell, wrote only these words, "Patience, pa
tience, patience" .....- =.
Would You be an honest man and enjoy
competency with pleasure, unknown to hasty
wealth or sly roguery-work. Let your
sweat-drops wash your gains from all dishon-
esty. You shall live to tell your children
that you have observed and felt the wisdom
Of the royal preacher: Wealth gathered by
vanity shall be diminished, but wealth gath
cred by labor will increase"
--Azyoung lady in company, who had been
fishing for compliments" very unsuccessful
ly, was surprised by the young gentleman who
set beside her atfectionately putting his arm
around her neck and kissing her Filled with
Indignation, she angrily demanded why she
was thus insulted. MY dear lady," replied
the young man, gasping with excitement, g
hope l have not offended Really, l suppose
that those who .fsbed for compliments would
not object to. taking them in SnsackS.
A MAN WITH too MUCH wIFE-Chapman,
witty lawyer of Hartford was busy with a
case, at which a lady was present, with whom
he had already had something to do as q wit
ness.
Her husband was present. diminutive,
meek, forbeaFing sort of man-who, in the
language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a
rooster just tshed out of swill BARREL" while
the lady was large portly woman, evidently
the "better horse" at the former occasion
she '.balked' on the cross examination The
lawyer was pressing the question with his
usual urgency, when she said, with vindictive
| fire flashing from her eyes:
~"Mr. Chapman, you needn't think you can
catch me youtried that once before"
Putting CD bis most quizzical expression
Mr.. Chapman replied:
i" Madam l haven't the slightest desire to
catch you and your husband looks to me as il
| he was sorry he had"
The husband family smiled assent