Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1863-10-08
4 SUBSTITUTE WANTED.

A SUBSTITUTE WANTED.
The other day Chief Engineer Dean, of the
Fire Department, called at the office where |
make shoes for living, and handed me a big
white envelop, notifying me that | was draft
ed and must report myself for examination,
at Lawrence on the 18th of August.
Now | consider it the duty OF every citizen
to give his life, if need be, for the defense
of his country, so on the morning of the event
full 18th, put on clean shirt and my Sun
day clothes and started for Lawrence, to see
if could get exempted.
Lawrence as all know, is situated on the
Merrimack river, and its principal productions
are mud, dust and factory girls. The city
proper, at least that part | saw, consisted Off
long narrow entry, up one fight of stairs,
adorned overhead with a frescolng of gas me
tiers, and carpeted with worn out tobacco
guilds and furnished with one chair two set
tees, and many huge, square packing cases,
marked %. NJ. D." Scattered around this
palatial entrance-hall were some forty or fifty
conscripts, looking very much as if they eX-
pected to be exempted by reason of old age,
before the young man with ferocious nous
tache should notify them of their turn Most
ulSdDD0lnt-
ment, for while they counted the hours Of de
lay, door would suddenly open, and the tall
young man would single out one man and
march him through the open doorway to be
seen no more.
BY and by-that is after several hours
waitng-my turn came.
John Smith !" shouted the door-keeper.
That's me, says with cheer from the
crowd, | entered large square room where
two persons sat writing at table, and the
third evidently the surgeon, was examining
man i'll the last stages of nudity.
One of the writer's at the table, a Young
man with curly eyes and blue hair, nodded to
me, and dipping his pen in nc ink, com
menced-
John Smith," what's your name
John smith," says |.
here were you BORN"
Podunk, Maine"
What did your great-grandiather did
off,"
"Darned if | know" says l.
"Call it hapentao,n says he and YOUR
grandfather, too ?"
a don't care what you call it," says /,
for | was Il HtCle riled by his nonsensical
question.
Did you ever have boils ,"
:" Not a boil"
cor iits?"
"Nary fit"
"Or dclirium trcmcns?"
No sir ee !"
cor ricketts,? ~"
FL ricket YOU" for l thought lie meant
something else.
" Did you ever have the measles ?" says
he.
Here l took off my coat
''Or the itch ?'
eyes, sir" said /" that ere fist land |
showed very large brown one within three
inches of his nose,) has been itching for the
last ten minutes to knock your pesky head
off, you little, mean, low-lived, contemplate
whelp, you"
MAY dear SIR said the mild-spoken, gen
tlemanly surgeon, laying his hand on my
arm; "calm yourself, l pray. Don't let
your angry passions rise, but take off your
clothes, SO l can see what you are made Of
. So | suppressed my anger, and withdraw
ing to corner, hung my clothes upon the
floor, and presented myself for examination,
clad only with the covering nature had given
me, except about square inch of court-pl
ter on my right shin, where l had fallen over
chair, the night before, feeling for Il match.
Young man, said the surgeon, looking
me straight in the eye, You have got the
myopia."
eyes, sir" said |, "and good one, too,
little Bininger, with drop of Stoughton,
makes an excellent eyc-opener, Of Il morn
ing"
''And there seems to be an amaurotic ten
dency of the right eye, accompanied with
ophthalmia."
"Show |" says |.
''And that white spot in the left eye be-
tokens a cataract"
Il guess you mean in the air, SAYS l, ''cause
went in swimming this morning, aud got an
ALFRED big bubble in my left ear" and here
jumped up and down two or three times on
my left foot, but to no purpose. AS soon as
| stopped he mounted chair, and com
menced feeling the top of my head.
"Was your family ever troubled with cpl
lepsy?" says he
Only the two boys" says I, ''and when
they catch them, my wife always goes at
them with a fine tooth comb, the first
thing"
Jumping off the chair he hit me a lick in
the ribs that nearly knocked me over, and
before | had time to demonstrate, his arms
were round my neck and his head pressed
against my bosom the same way that Sophia
Ann does, when she wants me to buy her
some new bonnets and things.
just what | thought said he ''tubercu-
losis and hemoptysis, combined with defect
in the scapular membrane and incipient
phthysis."
Heavens !" says I, 'swhats that ,"
"And cardiac disease"
''No ?" said l.
"And pendardites :"
Thunder" said l.
Stop talking." Now count after me
one !"
lone Y said I, half dead with fright
Asthma Two"
Two" yelled
''Exotis of the right febula! Three"
'Three"I gassed
''Coxalgia! Four"
Murder y said L" Four
" Confirmed duodenum of the right ven
tricle! Five"
"Oh doctor dear doctor, amt YOU most
through? l feel faint"
Through No. not half through Why,
my friend, Pandora's box was nothing to YOUR
chest. You have sphynixiana, and gloriosis.
ana concnollogla, and persifage and"
Here my knees trembled so | leaned against
the table for support.
ana permanent luxation of the anterior
lobe of the right phalanx."
My only answer was deprecatorv gesture
And scrofulous diathesis and omn;ono
dites."
l sank to the floor i'll utter despair.
''Elutriation !" he yelled, for he saw wa
going fast" and maxillarium, and"
When 7 woke tn consciousness again