Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1863-11-12
al Sorts Of Items.

- mere are more SORROWS of women tina
OF men, just as in Heaven there are NOR
ecApseS OF the moon than of the sun.
= Though we travel the world over to fin
find it not U.s. VI '"
"A mans wife often gives him all the NOR
ID Slrength he has. She is at once his ril
and his backbone. MS III
| Some women paint their faces and ther
weep because it does not make them besuti
Ial. They raise hue-and cry.
y The following is sharp: First party
You IL come TO the gallows some day.
Second, or addressed party: Yes the do,
you're hanged" '-'' Jay
- Alexander Selkirk, the original of Rob
Inson Crusoe, lived great portion of his life
with Spanish Jewess, viz Jew Ann Fernan.
-Foote expresses the belief that certain
mlser would take the beam out of his own
eye, If he knew where he could sell the tim
Der
- 1t was Punch who said SO felicitouslv,
that while men only want modest dogs . all
lhey can get, the women want all they can't
get.
= country editor, praising a successful
politician, called him zone of the eleverest
fellows that ever lifted hat to a lady. or a
boot to blackguard."
A keeper of a saloon advertising his es-
adjustment, concludes thus: Those of nv
patrons who may desire it, can be sent home
on wheelbarrow, gratis"
= The Richmond rebels are at last raising
the cry OF hunger, A man may avoid crying
out when his thumbs are in the thumb-screws,
but not when his bellyis pinched
= 4 thiek-headed Squire being worsted
by the Rev Sydney Smith in an argument,
took his revenge by exelaiming: :" If had a
son who was an IDIOT would make him a
parson" every probably" said Sydney
" but l see your father had different opin-
ion."
= Tuscumbia, point Of military interest
just now, is in Franklin county, Alabama, five
miles south of Florence, and few miles be-
low the Muscle Shoals of the Tennessee riv-
er. 1t is forty-one miles west of Decatur.
the junction of one of the railroads connect
ing with Nashville.
Another candidate for Speaker of the
next United States House of Representatives
has been trotted out The Copperheads of
Ohio and Indiana have announced Hon. Geo.
ii. Pendleton, Representative of the First
District Of Ohio, as the candidate of the Val
landigham democracy.
"A young married woman whose hus-
band has "gone to the war;" heard in con-
versation the remark that the Government
wanted more cavalry and more infantry. She
replied that she knew nothing about cavalry,
but added, with sigh, that if more infantry
were needed, the Government had better send
some of the volunteers home again.
- A clergyman in Vermont having been
accused by the Brennan Free Press of kicking
his wife and whipping her eighteen times
within year, corrected this statement
through the same channel. He has whipped
his wife but fifteen times in three years, and
if she labors under the impression that he
has ever kicked her, it is because she occa-
sonally runs against his uplifted foot. @t#
When James T. Brady, the celebrated
lawyer of New York, first opened lawyers
office, he took a basement room which had
previously been occupied by cobbler. He
was somewhat annoyed by the previous oc-
cupant's callers and irritated by the fact that
he had but few of his own One day an
Irishman entered. "The cobbler's gone,
see," he said. 81 should think he had, J" tartly
responded Brady. "And what do you sell 90
he asked, looking at the solitary table and a
few law books 'Blockheads responded
Brady. 'Be gorra" said the Irishman, eye
must be doing mighty fine business-ye
hain't got but one left .. ...--s
In WHAT LIBERTY CoNsIsTs.-It is true that
in democracies the people seem to act as
they please but political liberty does not
consist in an unlimited freedom In govern
ments, that is, in societies directed by laws,
liberty can consist only in the power of do
ing what we ought to uiN and in not being
constrained to do what we ought not to will.
We must have continually present to our
minds the difference between independence
and liberty. Liberty is a right of doing
whatever the laws permit and if a citizen
could do what they forbid, he would be no
longer possessed of liberty, because all his
fellow citizens would have the same power.
Spirit Of Lars.
- Here is one of old Thomas Fuller's
thoughts, which shows his genial wit
Lord, l find the geneology of my Saviour
strangely checkered with four remarkable
changes in four immediate generations:
l. Robonum begat Alba; that is bad faith
er begat bad son.
2. Alba begat Asa; that is, bad father a
good son.
er good son.
4. Josaphat begat Joram that is, good
father bad son. - sE..l .a
1 see, Lord from hence, that my fathers
piety cannot be entailed; that is bad news for
me- But see, also, that actual impiety is
not always hereditary; that is good news for
my son. - <- @ 81
JACK ON BENDER."-An old salt who
had been on bender" had got what might
be termed sublimely mystifed by his frequent
imbibings of " the critter." Staggering along
the street, he thought to 90 to the theatre
and pass the remainder of the evening. Fol-
lowing some men whom he thought bound on
the same voyage, he found himself in what
be took to be the pit; but it happened to be
a meeting house, and the minister was preach
ing from the text wherein is mentioned the
sheep and the goat-and, in order to make an
impression upon the congregation, he put the
significant question: "Who would wish to
be goat?" and paused, and then, with still
greater emphasis, asked: "Who will be
goat ?" Our tipsy sailor could not brook the
delay, and at once responded . As nobody
else will be it, I'll be the (hic) goat, rather
(hic) than the play should stop?
THE MnLER's PoRTRAIT.-A worthy miller,
wishing for portrait of himself, applied to
painter to have it accomplished.
But" said he, II am very industrious
man. l want to be painted as looking out of
my mill window. But when any one looks at
me wish to pop my head in, so as not to be
thought lazy, or as spending too much time
at the window" 49,.
Every WELL" said the painter; cit shall be
done So"
He painted the mill and the mill window.
The miller looked at it. A. t.fg #5-
every WELL" said he ''but where is my