Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1862-10-10
How to kill the Rebels with Kind
ness.

toraging expedition by Capt. Shorty Of the
Mackerel Brigade. There ia food for re-
Election as well as fun in it,
| Upon quitting the Strawberry Festival
returned post-hasie again to Paris, where I
arrived just in time to start with Captain
Bob Shorty and company from the Comic
Section of the Mackerel Brigade on for
aging expedition. We went to look up a
few straw beds for the feeding of the Ana
tomical Cavalry horses, my boy and the
conservative Kentocky chap went along to
see that we did not violate the constitution
nor the rights of man.
Its my opinion, comrade," says Captain
Bob Shorty, " it's my opinion, my Union
forager, that this here unnatural war is get
ting worked down to very fine point, when
we can't 60 out for an armful of forage
without taking the constitution with US. l
think says Captain Bob Shorty, " tha, the
constitution is as much out of place here as
set Of fancy harnesses would be in a
drove Of wild bufaloes."
i Can such be the case, my boy, can such
be the case Thea did our revolutionary
forefaihers live in vain.
Having moved along in gorgeous caval-
cade until about noon. we stopped at the
house Of first family in Virginia, who was
just going to dinner. Captain Bob Shorty
ordered the Mackerels to stack arms and
draw canteens in the front door-yard, and
then we entered the domicil and saluted
4 the domestic mass meeting in the dining
room.
We come sir" says Bob, addressing
the venerable and high-miuded chivalry at
the head of the table, "to ask if you have
any old straw beds :hat you do not want,
that.can be used for the cavalry of the
| United States of America.
| The ehivalry only paused long enough to
throw a couple of pie plates at us, and then
says he:
Are you accursed abolitionists ?"
The conservative Kentucky chap steps
hastily forward, and says he:
No, my dear sir, we're the conservative
element"
The chivalry's venerable wife, who was a
female southern confederacy, leaned back a
little in her chair, so that her little son could
see to throw a tea cup at me; and says she /:
You amt Tribune reporters-be yoa?'
We we're all noes and no ayes. Quite
feature in socfaf intercourse, my boy.
| The aged chivalry caused three fresh
chairs to be placed at the table, and having
failed to discharge the fowling piece which
he had pointed at Captain Bob Shorty, by
reason of dampness in the cap, he waived
us to seats, and says he:
Sit down, poor hrelings of gorilla
despot, and learn what it is to taste the hos
pitality of Southern gentleman. You are
Lincoln hordes," says the chivalry, shaking
his white locks, g and you have come to
butcher the southern confederacy; but the
Southern gentlemen know how to be cour-
teous, even 70 vandal foe."
Here the chivalry switched out cane
which he had concealed behind him, and
made blow at Captain Bob Shorty.
." See here" says Bob Indignantly, I'll
be"
Hush !" says the conservative Ken
lucky chap, agitatedly, "don't irritate the
old patriarch, or the future amicable recon-
struction Of the Union will be out of the
question. He is naturally little provoked
just now" says the Kentucky chap soothing
ly. but we must show him that we are his
friends"
We all sat down in peace at the hospita-
Bile board, my boy, only few sweet pota-
toes and corn-cobs being thrown at US by |
the children, and found the fare to be in
keeping with the situation of our distracted
country-l may say warfare.
In consequence of the blockade by the
Washington Ape" says the chivalry pleas
antry, we have only one course, you see
but even these last years sweet potatoes
must be luxuries to mercenary mudsills ac-
customed to husks."
! had just reached out my plate to be
helped my boy, when there came great
noise from the Mackerels in the front door
yard.
"Whai's that said the female confeder-
acy, taking another bite of hoe cake, ave
only told one of the servants to throw some
hot water on your reptile hirelings."
As Captain Bob Shorty turned 10 thank
her for her explanation, and while his plate
was extended to be helped, the aged chival-
ry fred pistol at him across the table, the
ball just grazing his head and enteriug the
wall behind him. BY all that's blue /"
says Captain Bob Shorty, excitedly, " now
-"
" Be calm, now be caln,' says the con-
'ervative Kentucky chap. hastily, 'don't
ell that its only natural for the good old
'cul to be little provoked? If you 90 to
rritaie him we can never live together as
friends again.