The Burlington weekly hawk-eye. [volume] (Burlington [Iowa]) 1860-1876, 1862-09-13

Of burglar proof safes, happy pecuniary
thought struck him forcibly. After joining
the church, to make sure Of his morality here,
he came hither in haste, opened an establish
ment, read the warsnews once moro, and then
issued the following enterprising card: ~
:1ff BuY 1Hr CrrrsaArrp =,
ee, "a: WASHINGTON SAFEl a=
Hs re.o 1850. .......'.. ..... t.trg -
Everybody thought it was the safe they'd
read SO much about in the papers, my boy, and
several hundred were sold,
There was another chap, named Burns, the
inventor Of Family and Military Gridiron,
who noticed how the thoughtful Boston chap
Was making money BY the advertising neces-
stiles Of our distracted country. Having been
born in Connecticut at very early agony boy,
he was not long in finding . way to make his
own eternal fortune, after the same meritorious
manner. "a So he at once repaired to liquor
shop, to make sure that majority of our staff
officers would hear him, and the says he, in
stentorian tones: ' '-''' Nt s'5@ $50
l1'sMy eympathiess are all with the Southern
Confederacy, to whom send the weekly jour
mails Of romance on the day of publication. As
to the Union," says the Connecticut chap hot
", ~ have less confidence in it than have in
my Patent Economical Family and Military
Gridiron." .lsta& ;n#sg5J COS .sJ q
He was Immediately arrested for this sedi-
tious talk my boy, and all the reporters tele
morning Journals: --a
"Ezciting Afair-Arrest of an influential
Reben-The celebrated MIR. Burns has been
arrested for publicly saying that he had more
confidence in his well known and ingenious
patent Economical Family and Military Grid
iron, than be had in the Union. Upon hear--
ing of his incarceration, the most sauguine
rebel sympathizers here admitted that the
cause of the South was lost forever"
The Connecticut chap remained in custody
until he had received four hundred orders for
gridirons, from private families and army chap
lains, and then he explained that the words
he had used were uttered in the heat Of pas
sion, and he WAS Of course, 'honorably dis
charged from prison, to make way for n shame
less, aged miscreant just committed for two
years hard labor, on suspicion Of having dis
couraged en!istments by asserting that altho'
he was too old 60 to war himself, he intended
to send substitute. .,-....,.f Il
simultaneously, all the reporters telegraph
ed again to the reliable morning journals.
"THE BURNS AETAIR SErTLED!-FuLL PAR
T1cuLARs OF THE GRIDIRoS!-Mr. Burns, the
celebrated inventor Of the famous Patent
Economical Family and Military Gr;diron, has
been honorsbly discharged by order of the
Secre tary of War. His inimitable Gridiron IL
destined to have an immense sale. It cooks .
beefsteak in such . manner that the appetite is
fully satisfied from merely looking at it, and
the same steak will do for breakfast next
morning. This is a great saving. Persons
having nothing to eat find this Gridron great
comfort, ane hence the propriety Of introduc-
ing it in the army" ~,
The Gridirons are having great sale, my
boy, and it is believed that the business inter.
ests Of the..country are being rapidly improved
by the war. i, t., n. az,
Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was
making preparations to entrap the Southern
Confederacy at Molasses Junction, I assembled
to the upper gallery Of my architectural steed,
Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order that might
not be unduly hurried on my journey. Taking
Accomac on my way to the battlefield, my
boy, called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson,
who is superint endent Of preparations for the
draft there, and was witness to On incident
suitable to be recorded in profane history.
The draft in Acomac, my boy, 10 positively
to take place ON the 18th Of September; but it
is not believed that the enrolment can be en-
ished before the 10Th; in which case. the draft
mnst inevitably take place on the 10th. In
fact, the Judge Advocate Of Accomsc states
positively the CONSUMPTION will commence on
that NO draft may be required. At least such
il the report Of those best acquainted with the
more decisive plans Of the War Department,
which thinks Of joining the Temperance soci.
ETY.. .,, 9 q.
The exempts were fling their papers Of ex-
emption with Colonel Wobert Wobinson, my
boy, and smongst them was one chap With .
swelled eye, . dersuged neck-tie, and q hat
that looked ~ though it might have been used
as an.elephant's foot-bath. The chap came in
with wavy walk, and says he:
'"'Being married man, war has no terrors
for me; but an obliged to exempt myself from
military Affairs on account Of the cataract In
my eyes" ...-;gg -. ea1o
Colonel wobert wobinson looked at him
sympathizingly, and says he: "You might
possibly do for msjor>general. my SOD; O.
it j. blindness principally that character ICES
majority Of our present msjor-generals in the
field but fearing that your absence from home
might cause . prostration in the liquor busi-
ness, / will accept your catract ae valid t"
The poor chap sighed until he rescued the
irst hiccnp, and then says he: II wish could
cure this here Cataract, which causes my
eysstoweep in the abse nee ofall woe"
''Do your orbs liquidate 90 freely" says the
Colonel, with the cir Of family phisicisn.
"Yes," says the poor chap gloomily, ''they
are like two continual mill streams"
"Mill streamsp' says Colonel Wobinson,
meditatively, ''mill streams! Why, then you'd
better dam your eyes"
think, my boy, I say think, that this
kindly advice Of Colonel Wobsrt Wobinson's
must have been misunderstood in some way;
for an instant departure Of several piously-
inclined recruits tool place precipitstely, and
the poor chap chuckied like fend.
It is the great misfortune ofour mother
meaning have precisely the same sound, and
in using one you seem TO be abusing the other.
Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junc-
ton, where number Of Msckerels were plsc
ing number Of new cars and locomotives on
the track-the object being to delude the
Southern Confsderscy into taking q ride in
in them, when, it WAS believed. the Aforesaid
Confederacy would be destroyed BY one Of
those s'frightful accidents" without which a