The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-01-15
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
= Who invented matchesl Adam and

- Ihe Fellow WHO LOOK offence has not
yet returned il.
= An eloquent speaker is like river
greatest at the mouth,
- The size OF whale is always known
by the strength of its blows.
- To keep warm in cold day, wo-
men double the cape, and men double the
horn.
- The boy who undertook to ride a
horse-radish is now practicing on saddle
of mutton.
=" Sally, what time do your folks
dino?" "Soon as you go away; that's
Missus ORDERS"
-" Husband, can't express my de-
testation of your conduct" We'll, dear,
I'm glad you can't"
= The soldiers great risk is that of
becoming er-tinguishcd before he can be.
como distinguished.
- The funambulist who tried to bal
ance the north pole, got seriously cut by
the axes of the earth.
- We are never beneath hope while
we arc above hell, and never above hope
while we are beneath heaven.
= Il good many chairmen at public
meetings don't know how TO put
question. Young ladies think it should
be popped.
- An editor says when he was in pris-
on for libeling a justice of the peace, he
was requested by the jailer >" to give the
prison a puff"
= The difference between n suit of
clothes and suit at law, is this-one
provides you with pockets and the other
empties them.
-" You seem animated by this fine
autumn scene, my dear Annie" said a
lover. {" | never shall be Annie-naated
till become your wife,"
= Let tho young man who stands at
the bar with glass of liquor in his hand,
consider which he had better throw away
the liquor or himself.
- A gentleman lately heard labor
or gravely inform two comrades that a
74-pounder is cannon that sends pound
ball exactly seyenty-four miles.
- Some one says that the municipal
arrangements arc so strict in the Arctic
regions, that DR.. Kane was kept from GO
ing farther by the North Polc-icc.
- A Yankee down cast has made the
grand discovery that window glazed
with old hats is sure indication that the
occupants have seen a rum bottle.
- A schoolmaster requesting a little
boy who had been whispering to step in
to the next room, is wittiy spoken Of as
starting on whaling expedition"
"Mr. D, if you will get my
coat done by next Sunday, l shall be for
over indebted to you" "It won't be
done," said the tailor, "upon such terms"
= A young lady of California recent
ly broke her neck while resisting an at
tempt of young man to kiss her. This
furnishes fearful warning to young la
dies.
- A man, speaking of place out
West, says it is perfect paradise, and
that though most all the people have the
fever and ague, yet it is great blessing,
for it is tho only exercise they take.
- There arc number of heavy guns
now in the forliicatious at Arlington
Heights, and at the risk of being thought
traitorous, we must say that we wish the
rebels had the whole charge of them.
- The horse warranted TO stand
without tying which man bought 'at
an auction the other day, is offered for sale
by the purchaser, with the additional
guaranty that he will not move without
whipping.
=" Steward, where's my berth :" said
man, recently, on Doard one oi 'he Ouu-
ard steamers. 81 begin to feel as if |
should very soon need little weak BRAN
DIV, or a good deal of tin BASIN" We be-
lieve he used both.
- We look over The wide world, and
all seems stormy, dark and tempestuous,
but then we see the homo circles like
sweet patches of blue sky seen among
clouds, and little children shining like stars
in their midst.
- At festival on some occasion,
among the soldiers in Missouri, one of the
mon from Adrian offered the following ex-
travagant sentiment which is printed in
a Missouri paper, which we copy:
JEFF. Davis--May he be set aflont in
boat, without compass or rudder, may
that boat and contents be swallowed by
q shark, and the shark swallowed by q
whale, the whale in the devils belly, ana
the devil in hell; and, further, may he be
chained in the southwest corner OF hell
and a northeast wind blow ashes IN his
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