The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1862-12-23
From the New York Sunday Mercury.
Searching q female Trunk.
BY oRHuEus @. KERR.

BY oRHuEUs Q. KERR.
EDIroR I. t.: As make il practice
pay all my houests debts, my boy, and hav
never daggella!ea person Of Africa descen
l could not properly come under the head @
"Chivalry" in an American dictionary, thoug
might possibly come under it's feet in th
"Union as-it-Was;'s yet have that in m,
nature which revolts at the thought Of wa
against women, and am sufficiently chivslrou
to defend any cause whose effects are crino
line. The bel-shaped structure called woman
my boy, was created expressly to conquer un
resisting adversaries; TO win engagement
without receiving blow, and to do prett,
much as she peases. by pleasing pretty mucl
as sue does. She is harmless creation O
herself, my boy; and TO war directly agaius
her because she may chan,e to influeI CO bel
male friends to war against us, is about Al
sensible as it would be TO execrate our hatte
because gust Of wind blows our new beaver
into the mud. II the hattcr had not mad,
the hat, the wind would not have blown it of
and il God had not made women che eouk
not encourage the we'll known Southern Con
federacy against US; but shall we turn enemy
to the halter, or to the woman, on this ac
counta Not il we know ourselves, my boy
and reconze the high moral spirit Of justice
observable in the Constitution.
Being thus possessed Of reverence for that
sex whose bonnets remind ne of cake basket
cannot refrain from frownipg Indignantly
upon the horrible spirit o. national tyranny
which inspired Sergeant O'Pake, ofthe demor.
allied Mackerel Brigade, to issue the follow
ing
GENERAL ORDER.
For the purpose Of simplifying national
strategy to those conservative women of Amer
lea Aho, while in the pursuit of happiness al
guaranteed by the Constitution, desire to visit
the Southern Confedaracy, it j. ordered the
they shall answer the following psternal ques.
tious before passing the lines Of tho Mackerel
Brigade:
l. For how many years has your ago been
just twenty y.twoi
2 How many novels do you consume per
week9
8. Were you ever complained of to the au.
tnorities for inordrate piano forte playingi
4. Do you work slippers for the heather
s. II so, for what H. theni
8. What newspaper MARRIAGES aud Deaths
do you consider the best? .....
2. In selecting church to attend, what
colored prayer. book do you find most becom-
ing to your complexion?
8. How much display Of neck do you con.
sider necessary TO indicate Modesty which
shrink from showing an ankle2
o. Did you ever stoop to follva or is it folly
alone that stoops to you?
10. Did you ever cat as much as you want
ed at dinner, when members of the opposite
sex were oppositef
1t is also ordered that no female visitor to
the celebrated Southern Confederacy shall
carry more than eight large trunks aud bon.
net box for each month in the year; and that
no female shall pass the line, whose dimen
sons in full dress exceed the ordinary space
between two pckets, as the latte: will, on no
account, DO permitted to edge away from their
stations at his trying crisis in the history Of
our distracted country. O'PAKE,
Sergeant, Mackeral Brigade.
This inhuman order had scarcely been is
sued, my boy, when there came to tte Mack.
eral lines in front of Paris virtuors young
female, aged %, with the figures reversed
who was disgusted with the great vulgarity of
the North, and wish to visit the marriageable
Souther Confederacy, having heard that the
Confedercy was carefully Husbandiog its re-
sources. Being poor girl, with "nothipg to
wear" she only had seven Stratoga trunks,
ten bank boxes, fourteen email carpet bags,
and a lap dog; yet the ill-brei O'Pake was
suspicious enough to examine one Of her
trunks. ..-..
He rutblessly opened il in her presence, my
boy, and quickly met with the horrible fate
which was once immoralzed by the Mack.
eral chaplain in an awfal poetical prssentmeut
entitled the "Base Tyranny's Penalty; or, the
Avenging Skeleton"
When the poor tool Of tyranny was releas.
ed from this terrific skeleton my boy, he look
ed rs bewilJereb as one who bad Just return
ed from the outskiit is Of civilization; but still
his flend's state for trunk inspection was not
He returned to the seige of the
abyss, drew forth an immense white
article, and, says he:
"Do my specticles relate fiction, or is tbis
indeep Sibley tent for the use Of the Con-
At this moment the excellent young wo.
man hastily snatcbed the article away from
him, and saic she:
"You nasty, dirty thing, that's my-"(bere
she blushed.
At times nv boy, women's blush is the i'm
perial banner Of virgin Modesty thrown out to
catch the breeze that WATTS the sounds OF com
ing rescue, snd means, " God is my defense =
At other times, it is tho eloquent protest Of
tine intelligence which depreciates tho test
that would turn all its hidden beauties to the
public eye, and means "Humility is born
Of Genius" But in tits case it was the lu
rid fash Of anger, and meant--r pettieoat.
Not wishing to further betray the reproacli
ful fact that he was an unmarried Mackeral,
my boy, Sergeant O'Pske closed the trunk
with emphasis, and permitted the triumphant
young woman Of America to trip it lightly to
the South.