St. Cloud Democrat. [volume] (Saint Cloud, Stearns County, Minn.) 1858-1866, 1862-01-09
THE CRAB-APPLES.
a New Farce IN one Short act, ~>
As being performed aotM un6ounded up
plause IN teoo hen,isphcres.

plause in too hemipheres.
| DRAMAT1s PERsoNE.
Mr.. JOHN Bu11-A puffy, quarrelsome
old fellow. &c.,
MRS. Co1uMB1A-A respectable school
teacher, recently much afflicted by do:
mestic gricfs.
MASTER W1LKEs-One of her favorite
scholars, very spunky little boy; and
others.
ScENE-A Schoolrooms. Mrs. Coluna-
bta IS seated, surrounded By her scholars.
Enter-Mr. John Bull, (uery abruptly
and IN tremendous ercitenae,t.)
John Bull-Odds! ! Zounds and butter
cups ma'am, but I sotW av satisfaction
for this ere hinsult I've been pestered
long henough by your boys, and I arnt a
going to stand it no longer. Blow me
tight hif don't-hif don't
Mrs C.-Be calm, Mr.. Bull; pray be
seated what is the matter, Sir?
John Bull-The matter Zounds I!
Why, this morning, as one of my young
'uns was coming 'ome, hup comes one O.
your saucy himps.-Wilkes I think you
calls i'm.
Mrs. C.-Master Wilkes, come here.
(N1aster Wilkes at1vances)
John Bull-Hup comes this ere Wilkes
shakes his fist in my younker's face
takes out of his pocket two crab happles
as the boy 'ad picked somewheres- and
sends i'm 'ome, a believing like young
bull-calf.
Master Wilkes-Please Ma'am, I knew
he stole them out of your garden, and was
hiding them to shy at our windows.
John Bull don't care 'ooze they are;
or where they come from I demand and
wiU av 'en,!
Mas. Dwell, Mr.. Bnll, but if
John Bull-O, none O your Il to me,
Ma'am ; don't come ere to haryue, I
comes ere for reparation,* I WILL Av
THEM HAprLEs, or by
Mrs. C-Stop! Mr.. Bull really Sir,
I am shocked at this indecent behavior
and despise the brutality that can take
such. advantage of my weakness. You
know my Jonathan is away fighting the
savages, or you would never dare to insult
me so. IfMaster Wilkes had struck you1
boy for instance
John Bull-Ah that's just whero it is
Hif my youuker ad been brought to yo1
along with the happles, and you had warn,
ed his jacket we'll for i'm, or sent i'm hof
with flea in his hear, wouldn't ave ae
a word to ray.
Mrs. C.-Well then, Sir, how easil,
can your grievance be settled? :? Here, tax
the apples--(presentimg hema) (which
am sure are not worthy of becoming Zap
pies of discord" between us. They ar
two very miserable specimens, and I an
now gathering so many millions Of then
on my Southern property, that I can vel
afford you these two poor, rotten, blighte'
things. Are you satisfied ?
John Bnll-(grufW)-No; arnt. ]
, want you to make a hexample O. tha
Vilks, and make me hample hapology be
sides.
Mrs. C.-Well, Sir, I never told Mas
ter Wilkes to assault your boy ; although
am sorry to say that your family have be
haved very strangely to me lately, eve'
sheltering thieves that you knew were go
ing to rob me. T wish to live on goo'
terms with all my neighbors, and there
fore regret this little occurrence, but be as
sured, Sir, my Johaattan ,oiW some da!
c~W you to account for these insults. Yo'
may depend upon my making an example
Of Master Wilkes Will that do?
John Aull-( Very sulzenly.)-I' sup
pose so. (Erit..
Mrs. C.-Now boys, listen. Ihave ma
ny very distressing things to occupy mi
just now, and therefore-as you love me
do nothing to bring me in contact will
that rude and overbearing man. He is
dangerous and sanctimonius old hypocrite
who would set my house on fire for tn
value ola spool of ofcotton-if it served hi