Urbana union. [volume] (Urbana, Ohio) 1862-1872, 1862-09-24
Ethan spike in Trouble.


Ethan Spike in Trouble.
CANADT, Aug. 9th.
I ANT pleasantly sitooated up here-quite
contrary wise. The kernucks don't seem to
appreciate the moral courage that must ac-
tooate feller critters bussum afore he kims
to the skedaddlin pint Only yesterday, one
of the beknighted critters told me was a
white-livered cuss !" axed him eff he war
in airnest? He said he war; an I iorguv
him-though ef it hadn't bin for maxim fuss
between the two countries, an eff he hadn't
looked as though he could lick me, I'd hev
knocked his greasy fur cap into the middle of
next month-an ef his he'd had gone with it
I shouldn't hev keered. I materially feel dis
sapinted, for 1 caounted on a fatterin recep-
tion-but there aint nary aatter attached tc
it Decidedly cool-borderin on the frosty.
would go back, but darsent-my feble
health wont stand draft. I oilers tux cold
ef sot in common draft, and he official one
they ar gettin up daoun in the states, though
it may save the gineral CONSTRUCTION, would
ruinate mine-it makes a Shakin Quaker of
me jest to think about it. Eff there was any
way to be inwulnerable to baggernuts, min
now, rifles, comickal Shells and sich like
gear, twould be different Eff they could put
me into dry dock-for instance-and turn
acut iron-clad, SOS was sure nothin could
hurt newly, I'd Jest as lives go raound
buttin other folks as not-I think the Moni-
tor line would suit me-but my physical cor
poral system is too valooable-in every pint
of view-to be exposed in a unprotected
state of natur.
Do you suppose they would draft me eff
went back2 I skersely think twould be con-
stitutoonal. I've gained resident here-an
would kim under the statoote perwided for
furriners. Tn too old, was candydate for
offs under the general government-nobody
kin prove that I was born in the United
States-I tried to jine the Quakers-haint
got teeth. enough to bite eatridge-never
he'd the mumps-might be TUX with EN- at
any time-the smell of gunpaowder makes
me si2k-speeially when it is mixed with
Ied-sueh kimickal combinations never agreed
with me. Eff these disabilities don't consti-
toot me a alien under the haybeaS Korpus
act, wot ar aour free institootions good for?
Eff I've a constitutional object of gunpoWder
-taint my fault-its olfactory pervision Of
natur-thats what it is Ef perfer keepin
my human form devine hull, to hevin it bored
full of holes, SOS twould look more like a
cullender than the noblest work of God
don't show good taste. I'm willin them as is
differently sotup by natur should 60 to var
in fact, want EN- to-why cant they be
equally ginerous and let me stay to hum?
Here's a sitooation-a sitooation of the
distressedest kind-for a man who's oilers
bin respected feler citizenl I've lost my
own countFy-an furrin nations don't want
me-I'm ostrichised, ezpaiated, and dis
franlzinchised-Im the Wandrin Jew of the
nineteenth Gentry. cant get a lootholt any
where's. Noah's du7 was more fortinit-she
could 60 back-I cant-there's no ark for me,
nor nobody to open the window of there was.
I shall probably stsrEe to death jist like the
children in the wood--only don't bleve these
Kernuck robbings win take the trouble to
[iver me up.
Eff the last words Of a dyiu unfortinit will
hey any effect on them who is turnin their
eyes in this direction-I would say, don't do
it! Better run the risk of nineteen drafts
better stand yer chance of hivin your bones
piled and made into oanynents to adorn she
seceshers, than to find yourself stranger in
this unaccaountably strange land
I've tried every method-except work-to
get an honest Evin here. Thar are 2 or fel-
ler skedaddlers here who airn their Twin as
furrin correspondents for the Trybune. I
tried the dodge and writ to Horris, but he
haint been sivil enough to reply. Then un-
dertuk to come the George Francis Train, but
the half-breed blue-nose lion wont bear half
as much as the old seed one at hum does
mo fust bust Of irrepressible patriotism cost
me bunged eye an broken nose. Lastly,
I tried to jine a niger settlement, telin them
I was a Octeroon-an would hev gon as low
as a merlatter, or even aberlishunist-but
twas no go-the sutty -cusses voted me inau-
dfbls onless would go into holy matter
mOnY with young lady of the African per-
.suasion-aged So, and weighs 283 lbs aver
dypois-an considerable more appotycarries
ditto. declined this tempting offer of the
present-solcly on constitutional grounds
holding it in reserve, hopin that Greedy may
yet want them.
Mr. Greeley, eff you've got any baowels Of
compassion, don't let me be sacrificed. KIN
YOU fold yer arms an muce yer peanuts
when Geller critter is totterin on the brink
of Mumbo Jumbo? One word from you
will save me. from this wooden destiny. Must
a man be forced into the mcrino bisucss aEin