Cincinnati daily press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1860-1862, 1862-02-18
WIT AND WISDOM.

| The certain way TO be cheated is to fancy
ones selfmore cunning than Others.
He who can conceal hisjoys is greater than
he who can hide his grieis.
Censure is the tax a man pays TO the pub
lie for being eminent.
He is the best accountant who can cast up
correctly the sum of his own errors.
Old age has deformities enough of its own;
do not add to it the deformity of vice.
John Wilkes, at public meeting, sat next
to person who, being displeased with the
course matters were taking, kept exclaiming,
II can not allow this to 90 on | must take
the sense Of the meeting on this point"
Wbereupon Wilkes whispered to him, "Do
so, if you will; I'll take the nonsense OF the
meeting against you, and can beat you."
EKDRBsslvE.-In recent address, Bishop
Purcell expressed the hope that the rattle
snake of disunion might never sting the
hand that waved the flag of the Union, tor
the heart that loved it.
A householder in filing up his census
| schedule under the column headed, "Where
BORN" described one of his children as born
in the parlor," and the other "up stairs"
Benjamin franklin would often observe,
| UNITED we stand divided we falP'-a pre-
| uiCblOu hulCu udS Dee0 repeatedly QuObeu
| from bis time to ours. Whether he was the
author of it, is not known; but it is probable
it originated with that philosopher. 1t is
! like him.
Fire and sword are but slow engines of de-
struction in comparison with the babbler.
The Bible is window in this prison of
hope, through which we look into eternity.
The vanity of human life is like river,
constantly passing away, and yet constantly
coming on.
"Pa," said lad to his father, ~ often read
of people poor but honest; why don't they
sometimes say rich but honest 2" "Tut, my
sop," said the father, nobody would believe
them"
SUNDAY DRINKING There exists in some
parts of Germany a law to prevent drinking
during divine service. 1t runs thus: Any
person drinking in an alehouse, during di-
vine service on Sunday or other holiday,
may legally depart without paying.
Suppose we pass such a law here would
not this be the best Sunday Law ??
COULDN'T DEAD. HBAD.-The principal ave.
nue. leading to Dstroit has toll-gate near
the Elmwood Cemetery road. AS the ceme-
terry wss laid out some time previous to the
construction of the panked road, it was
made one ofthe conditions of the company's
chatter, that all funeral professions should go
back and forth free. One day, as Doctor
Price, celebrated physician, stopped to
pay his toll, he remarked to the gate keeper:
considering the benevolent character OF our
profession, | think you ought to let US pass
free Of charge" "No, no, DOCTOR" the keeper
readily replied, Eve couldn't afford that
You send too many dead-heads through
here as it is" The doctor paid his toll and
never asked any favor after that.
THE GREASE OF THE EARTH's AxIs.-A re-
tiecting gentleman Ofleisure lately spent some
days in the rrgion of the oil wells Of Peunsyl-
Tania, and after mature deliberatiou, gives
1t as his option that the Government should
interfere at once and put stop to further
boring and pumping for oil; as he is certai0,
that the grease is being drawn through these
wells from the bearings of the eerth's axis,
snd that the earth will cease to revolve when
the fabrication ceases!
Not every man who dives into the sea of
matrimony brings up pearl.
To keep warm on a cold day, women
double the cape and men double the horn,
Why is a stick of candy like race-horse?
Because the more you lick it the faster it
goes.
There is only one bad wife in the world,
and every crusty husband thinks that she
has fallen to his lot.
"What clever invention is the sewing
machine ~ said John. 'Yes, sew it seams"
replied Smith.
A Wiscops sin paper describing farm which
the advertiser wants to sell, adds: "The
surrounding country is the most beautiful
the God Of nature ever made. The scenery
is celestial divine; also two wagons to sell,
and yoke ofsteers."
An old woman taking letter to friend
and requesting her to read it, said, 81 can't
read jining hand" The neighbor read a few
lines, and then stopped moment, as the
writing was illegiole, "Ah p' cried the old
lady, sit must be from my son Jerry; he al
ways suffered"
sailor dropped out of the rigging of a
ship of war some fifteen or twenty feet, and
fell plump on the first lieutenant. "Wretch," !"
said the officer, as he gathered himself up
where did you come from 2" sand cure /
come from the North of Ireland, yer honor"
DOMESTIC NcIDENTs.-"Mauma papa's
getting very rich, isn't he ?" "Fm sure |
don't know. Why child p "Cause he
gives so much money to me. Almost every
morning after breakfast when Sally is sweep.
, ing the pRrlor he gives me sixpence to go
out and play" Shortly after Sally received
notice to quit.
The most horrible OF Prentice's puns is the
following:
i