Burlington free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1827-1865, 1862-05-02
miscellaneous.
Ltrom Vanity Fair.l
NRTEMyS WARD N WASHINGTON

---'f - 40 -
Ny wife stood before the lookin' glass. q
iGssin' up her hair.
w hat you doin', Bctsey p l inquired.
dom up my back hair, she replied
Betsy scd !, with a stern air, Betsy
you're too old to think about such friyoltics
Is back hair"
ITO old? too old?'' she screamed. too
Old, You Blld-hcdcd IDIOT You baint got
hair cnuif onto yolr he'd to make a decent
wig for a single brcstcd grass-hopper -
The RehOok was severe but merited Hens
4th shall let my wife's back hair alone
You heard me
Ny little dawter is CROWN quite rapid,
and begins t0scrOOtinize clothiu' with Young
men inside OF 1t, putty clost. | obsaryc, too,
that she twists pieces Of paper round her hair
at nights, and w0n't let me put my arm
round her any more for fear IN muss her
Your mother wasn't 'haid Ia muss hcr
when she was your age, my chIld,' sed
one day, with sly twinkle into my dark
bay eye.
mo, rcplicdmy little dawtcr, ''she Prob
bly, liked it
You amt goin to fool female Young Amer
ica much. Nou may gamble on that.
But all this, which happened in Blldins-
vile a week ago, haint nothin' to do with
Washington, from whittier now write YOU
hopin' the items hereby sends will be ac-
ccPtablc % the Gin-Cockta Of Am-rica-I
mean the I''mch thereof. \ mild witti-
ksm.-A. ".
Washington, d. C., is the Capital Of sour
once happy country III may be allowed
to koin a Erase The ID. c. stands for nes-
rrit Uusscs, IA university which abounds
D.. - h. a ar,f1
pashun for gratOoitous drinks. And in this
conjunction will relate incident. | notist
for several DAYS a large Ilearse standIn' in
front Of the principal tavern on Pennsylyany
Avenoo. Can YOU tell me, my fair Castil-
Ian. =" sed this mornin' t. a young Span
iard from Tippcrary, who was blackin' boots
IN the wash-room-"can you tell me what
those IIcarse is kept standin' ont there for 2''
"WeI. YOU see our Bar-bisness is great
You We no idee Of the number Of people who
drink at our Bar durin' day. You see those
IIearsc Is necessary
| saw.
Standin' in front Of the tavern on Penn
svlvania Avenoo Is a lot ofmiserbul wretchos,
black. white and ring strickId and freck
lel-with long whips in their hands, who
frowns upon YOU like the wultuTe upon the
turkla dove the mint YOU dismergc from the
hotel Tlcy own yonder iour-wheel startlin
curiositys, which were used years and years
a1o hv the first settlers Of Nirginny to carry
live hogs TO market in. The best carrige
saw IN the entire collection WAS used by
Pockyhontas. sum two hundred years ago as
:@oat zen. Becumn' 50 used up that it
couldn': hold goats, that fair and gentle saw
age tut it up at auction Subsekcntly it
was useG as a hospital for sick calves, then
as a hcnc00p, and finally 1t was put on
wheels and Is now dOin' dooty as a hack.
| called on Secretary Welles, Of the Navy.
You know lie is quite a mariner himself,
havin' once owned a raft Of logs on the Con
nethycut river So put on saler stile and
hollerd: "Ahoy, shipmet Tip US yer
grapplin irons 80
..Yes-yes q" he scd, nervously, "but
mercy on us, don't be so noisy
''Av, ay, my hearty But let me sing
about how Jack Strokes lost his gal
The reason why he couldn't gain her
Was becoz he's drunken saler .
That's very good indeed said the
Secky, hut - this is hardly the place to sing
songs in, my irend."
- Let me write the songs of nashun,
SD /, and 81 don't care cuSs who goes to
the legislator! But | ak your pardon
h0w's things?'
e. Comfortable, | thank you. | have
hsrc," he added, - a copy of the Middle
town Weekly Clarion of February the 10,
containin a report that there isn't much
Union sentiment in South Caro!iny, but |
hardly credit II"
e. Air yeu we'll, Mr. Secky, sod |. lis
Your liver all right? How's your kotf?
God bless me - sed the Secky, Tlsin'
hastily aud glarin wildly at nc, . what do
You mean p
% no;hm ls,rtlcklcr. Only it Is one of
TIE beauties oi Republican form Of gov
meEt that "a Cabnit oihsscr can rack up his
uunk and ~ home whenever he's sick
Sure uotlIu don't all your liver p scd 81.
poau him putty vilent IN thc-stummick.
called on Abe. lie received mc kindly.
haud,I linn my umbrcllcr anO told HIM
Ia haze al check for 1t # lac pleased
That, sd be-, puts me in mind OF littl'
story THcre was a man out in oar part
who WAS 80 mean that he took his wiiei
coffin out ,l tie hack windcr for fear hi
would rub the PAINT of the doorway.
Wall, about TIN. time there was man II
Il adjacent town wfo had green cotton um
breller.
"Dd it ft him well? Was it custom
lu.r.e? Was lac measured Tor 1t =
Measured lur WHAT said Abe.
fhe umbrelier
..Tal. as was sym continued tb'
President. ueatln' the interruption with az
uarent contempt, "this man sed he'd knowr
that there umbrclicr ever since It was par
asol. Tia, ha, la 80
"ics,' sed |, larln in respectful man
n'r, '-bur what has this man with the um
hrcl.cr 10 d. wi;u tie man who tJOk hi'
NIts's c.ihn Gus of tie back windcE -
10 &c sur,, sed Abe-"what was 1t?
must have got tgo stlris mixed together
which pui, me "a mind ui apo her lit
..NeyeI mad Your Exceliency, | calleC
t. congratulate you on your career, which
h.l, been bon st and II good one -unscareC
au. uImm,i by Scccsh In lIuut oi you and
A.n,i.-u al tne back vi you-each one o
which 0, . htii WIS t;;an ne other 1t pos
sI5ici"
.IrA l. Stanton that l. Is 5J.dncss, honesty
and. .yigger merits all prasc, but 10 keep his un
der garments On. E, Stanton appecrently ha
only one weakness, which 1t Is, he can t allu