Smyrna times., 1862-05-08
Artemus Ward in Washington.
My wife stood before the lookin' glass; a fus.
sin up her hair

My wife stood before the lookin' glass, fus.
sin up her hair.
"What you doin', Betsy Z" inquired.
" Dom up my back hair" she replied.
Betsy" sed |, with stern air, Betsy,
you're too old 10 think about such trivoities as
back hair
"Too old ! too old - she screamed, "too old,
you Bald-beded idiot You haint got hair
enutf onto your he'd TO make a decent wig for
single breslcd grasshopper.
The Rebook was severe but merited. Hens.
4h shall let my wfe's back hair alone. You
heard met
My lntle dawler is CROWN quite rapid, and
begins to scrootlnize elolhin, with young men
inside Of it, putty cost. observe, too, that
she twists pieces of paper round her hair at
nights, and wont let me put my arms round !
her any more Tor fear I'll muss her. "Your |
mother wasn't fraid I'd muss her when she was
your age, my child" sed one day, with sly
twinkle into my dark 1ay eye.
NO." replied my little dawter, " she proba-
bly, liked it,"
You amt goin' to fool female Young Amer-
ca much. You may gamble on thQt
But all thls which happened 10 Baldinsvllle
week ago, haint nothin to do with Washing.
ton, from whittier | now write you, bopn' the
items hereby sends will be exceptable 10 the
Gin.Cocktail of America mean the Punch
thereof A mild wlttikism.-A. w
Washington, D. c.. is the Capital of our
once happy country IF may be allowed TO
koln trase The D.. c. stands for Deepri
Cusses, hume ,osity which abounds here, The
most of when persess a Romantic pashun for
graluitOus drinks. And in this conjunction
will relate incident | notIst for several daes
a large IIearse standn' in front Of The principal
tavern on Pennsylvany Aveuoo Can you
tell me, my fair Castllan," sed | this mornln'
TO young Spaniard from TIpperary, who was
! blackin' boots in the wash room" can you tell
me what those Hearse is kept standn' out there
! for!"
Well, you see our bar bisness is great
! You've no dee of the number " people who
drink at our Bar durn' day i,u see those
| llearse s necessary"
| saw.
Sland.n' in 'ront of the tavufns on Pennsyl.
vany Avenoo is lot of miserbu wretches-
black, white and ring sirIckid aud freckled-
with long whips in their hands, who trowns
upon you like the wuture upon the turkl9 dove
the mint you dismerge from the hotel. They
own yonder four wheeled startlin' curOsity's s,
which were used years and years ago by The
fust settlers of VIrginny to carry live hogs 10
market in. The best carrige | ga W in the en-.
two hundred years age as goat pen. Becum
in SO used up that it couldn't hold goats, that
fair and gentle savage put it up at auction
SubsekeAty it was used as hospital for sick
calves, then as hencoOp, and finally it was
put on wheels and is now dom dOUty as
hack
called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy
You know he Is quite mariner himself havIn
once ewned a Raft of logs on the COnnethycu
river. So | put on saler srile and holerd
"Ahoy, shpmet! TIP US yer grappln IRONS
"Yes-yes ~ he sed, nervousy, " but mercy
on US. don't be SO noisy"
: GAY, ay, my hearty But let me sing abou
how Jack Stokes lost his gal:
, "The reason why he couldn't gain her
4 Was becoz he's drunken saler'
l. "That's very good indeed" said the Secky
e but this is hardly the ace to sing songs in
; my friend"
, "Let me write the songs of nashun," SCI
" |, "and don't care cuss who goes 10 tn
3 legisS ter But | ak your pardon how
y things !"
: Comfortable. thank you. l have here,
e he added, ga copy Of the Mlddlelown Week.
IL Clarion, OF February Is. containing a repor
that there isn't much Union sentiment in Sout
Caroliny, but | hardly credit it,
II "AIr you we'll, Mr.. Secky," sed |. "Is you
II liver all right! How's your koff!"
If God bless me - sed the Secky," risn' ha,
9 tily and glarin wildly at me, "what do yo
n. mean !"
:, 40, nothn particular. Only it is one oft
e beauties of Republican form of gov'ment thu
q a Cabinit ofister can pack up his trunk and Q
A. home whenever he's sex. Sure nothin' don
a all your liver ~ sed |, pokin' him putty vller
: | in The stummick
n. called on Abe. He received me kindly.
Of handed him my umbreller and told hun |
h. have chez 70 it if he pleased. "ThOt," sc
70 he, puts me in mind Of a little story. The
ia was a man out in our parts who was so mea
that he took his wife'a coffin out Of the baC
winder for fear that he would rub the palLt
. the doorway.
g "Wall about this time there was a man in
~ adjacent town who had green cotton umbrC
~ ler."
pc "Did it fit him we'll? Was it custom madt
u Was he measured for i'll! E"
rLe " Measured for what ?' said Abe.
-" no " The umbreller"
W Wn' "Wall, as | was sayin'," cOntnnered 4
70 70 President, treatin' the interruption with app
lu' rent contempt" this man sed he'd known til
''' there umbreller ever since it was paras
Ha ha ! ha !"
to Yes" sed l. larfn in a respectful ma mt
'e' but what has this man with the umbreller
" do with the man who took his wife 8 coffin O
-. -. Of the back winder!"
'"' TO be sure" sed Abe" what was il!
must have got two stories mixed togeth
h, which puts me in mind nfanolher lit"
:. "Never mind, Your Excellency, called
,ed congratulate you on your career, which b
ion been a honest and good One-uHsCared q
n a unmoved by Secesh in front of you and
ac bolsh at the back Of you-eaeh one of which
-, little wuss than the other it possible
fo, " Tell Z. Stanton that his bodness homes
The and vigger, merits all praise. but to keep
.Lv under garments on. +. Stanton has appe'
M emily only one weakness, which it is, he ca
mr. aIlus keep his under.garments from fyin'
ore over his he'd. l mean that he cccasona
e,v dances in a peck-measure, and he don't Il
ion graceful at it,"
,ro. took my departer. "Good bye, old swe
rhe ness!" sed Abe, shakin' me cordgully by
ma. hand.