The Burlington weekly hawk-eye. [volume] (Burlington [Iowa]) 1860-1876, 1862-07-05
BURLINGTON, SATURDAY, JULY 5. 1862


think, says Captain Bob Shirty, ''that the Con
stitotion IS as much out of place here asa set oi
fancy harness would be in drovekM Wild buf
Can Can such be the case, my boya ~ !aeS x J.
the case? Then did our Revolutior1ry forfathers
live in vain.
having moved along in gorgeous cavalcade
unti about noon, We stopped at the house of a
First Family OF Virginia who were just going to
dinner Captain Bob Shorty ordered the Mack.
ereis to stack arms and draw canteens in the
'front.' door.yard, and then we entered the domi.
cue and saluted the domestic mass meeting in
the dining room.
we come, sir" says Bob, addressing the ven.
eraole and high-minded Chivalry at the head Of
tne taoie, ito ask you if you have any old straw
the cavalry Of the United States of America"
| The Chivalry only paused long enough to
throw couple of pie.plates at US, and then says
he:
Are you accursed Abolitionists?"
-. Inc conservative Kentucky chap stepped has
tily forward. and says he:
mo, my dear sir, we're the conservative ele.
ment."
The Chivalry's venerable wife, who was fe.
male Southern Confederate, leaned back little
IN her chair, SO that her little son could see to
throw tes-cup at me, and says she:
You amt Tribune reporters, be your"
we were all noes and no ayes Quite fea-
ture in social intercourse, my boy.
The aged Chivalry caused three fresh chairs to
be placed at the table, and having failed TO dis
chfge the fowling-pi which he had pointed
at Captain Bob Shorty, by reason of dampness
IN the Cap, he waved US to seats, and says he:
Sit down, poor hirelings of gorilla despot,
and learn what it is to taste the hospitality Of a
Southern gentleman. You are Lincoln hordes, y
says the Chivalry, shaking his white locks, "and
have come to butcher the Southern Confederacy;
but the Southern gentlemen know how to he
courteous, even to vandal foe."
Here the Chivalry switched out cane which
he had concealed behind him, and made blow
at Captain Bob Shorty.
"See here" says Bob, Indignantly, ''Tll be-"
"Hush!" says the conservative Kentucky chap,
agitatedly, "don't irritate the old patriarch, or
future amicable reconstruction of the Union will
be out of the question. He is naturally little
provoked just now," says the Kentucky chap,
soothingly, "but we must show him that we are
his friends"
We all sat down in peace at the hospital
board, my boy, only few sweet potatoes and
corn csbs being thrown by the children, and
1 found the fare to be in keeping with the situa.
ton OF our distracted country-I may say war
fare.
"In consequence of the blockade of the
Washington Ape" says the Chivary, pleasant
ly, 1--WE only have one course, you see but
even these last.year's sweet potatoes must be
luxuries to mercenary mudsils accustomed to
husks."
had just reached out my plate, to be helped,
my boy, when there came great noise from the
Mackerels in the front door yard
! What's that ," says Captain Bob Shorty.
20, nothing" says the female Confederacy,
taking another bite of hoe cake, "Pve only told
one of the servants to throw some hot water on
your reptile hirengs."
As Captain Bob Shorty turned to thank her
for her explanation, and while his plate was ex
tended, to be helped, the aged Chivalry fred a
pistol at him across the table, the ball lust
grazing his head and entering the wall behind
him.
"By all that's blue" says Capt. Bob Shoty
excitedly, "now I'll be"
"Be calm, now be calm," says the conserya
tive Kentucky chap, hastily; "don's l tell you
that it's only natural for the good old soul to be
little provoked? If you 60 to irritate him
we can never live together as brethren again.
Matters being thus rendered pleasant, my boy
we quickly finished the simple meal; and al
Captain Bob Shorty warded off the carving
knife just thrown at him by the Chivalrys little
son, he returned to the female Confederacy, and
says he: :,
"Many thanks for your kind hospitality and
now about that straw bed?"
The Virginia matron threw the vinegar cruet
at him, and says she:
"My servants have already given one to your
scorpions, you nasty Yankee"
/ "Of course" says the venerable chivalry
just missing blow at me with bowie.knife
"of course your despicable government viii
pay me for my property"
"Pay you !" says Captain Bob Shorty, hotly
"now I'll be-"
"Certainly it will, my friend" broke in tn,
conservative Kentucky chap, eagerly, "tht
Union troops come here as your friends; fo
they make war on hone but traitors"
As we left the domicil, my boy, brushing from
our coats the slops that had just been thrown
upon us from an upper window, saw the Chiv
alry's children training following piece from
the roof and hoisting the flag of the Souther,
Confederacy on one of the Chimneys
And will it be possible to regain the love o
these noble people again, my boy, if We trea
them constitutionny? We shall see, my boy
we shall see.
Yours, for further national amusement,
ORPHEUs G. KERR
The Showman's CourtshIp.