The Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1837-1867, 1862-03-14
SKATING A HUMBUG.

'oys where some old fellow of pious memory,
IN being requested by Queen Dido to give
IN account of his travels, replied: Thou !
me, o queen, to relate the his
ory of my woes 1t is with feelings of the
ame description (only more SOY that address
discriminating public, in the hope that my
Example will prove warning to all similarly
empted. But few days since some one
published an article on Skating as fine art :
he man must have been insane! Skating, l
'ay, is humbug! and what say know by
'ad experience. Listen for moment and
iou will agree with me.
Last spring, while walking with Araminta
through the sylvan shades Of the Central
Park, that charming young female went into
ecstacies over what Gn her ignorance) she
termed the elegance and gracefulness of the
amusement of skating, and after avowing
her determination to acquire its mysteries
during the coming winter, or 60 down into
an untimely grave, turned to me and ex-
claimed, in a tone of melting sweetness:
And you, Mr. Smith, (my name is SMITH
you will teach me, am sure" The voice,
the glance, the pressure on my arm which
accompanied it, made my heart 60 pi; pat,
faster than pleased rabbits tail. Need |
say that at once embraced the proposal and
as much of the proposer as | could, without
attracting public attention. On returning to
the paternal roof it suddenly struck me that
| had forgotten one important thing in rash
ly making this promise-l could not skate.
IIorrcr! After one moments reflection, /
seized nv hat and rushed to find Jones. l
met him in Broadway, and colla:ed him so
quickly that every one looked around, and
small boy haloed Police " instantly
Jones :" exclaimed, Il have got to learn
how to skate right off. How is it to be
done"
Let 60 my collar, Smith, was the reply of
the somewhat irate Jones, and don't get SO
(somehow or other) excited. You can learn
easy enough if you will buy pair of parlor
skates
JONES' returned, relinquishing his collar,
as requested; you're my preserver, what will
YOU take?'
Jones took something, arranged his collar,
and We bought the best pair of parlor skates
money could procure. Full directions were
given by the ska,eman. only have your
floor smooth and keep your skates well
creased, and you will go like a bird, was
his encouraging remark, as he handed them
over to me with the change
Grease. What do you grease them
WITH
Oil he answered soemnly.
bought half a gallon at once. Jones gave
me his advice. too. Always go ahead, and
if YOU don't get excited, you will do the out
side edge backwards in week
Outside edge backwards l said, what's
that?'
This STYLE, answered Jones, standing a.
he spoke, on his right leg. and twisting him.
self as though trying to look at his right
coat tail under his left elbow. l stood on
my right leg and tried to catch glimpse of
my right coat tail under my elbow, but not
succeeding, remarked that 4 didn't see it,
Thereat Jones laughed as though had said
a good thing.
Next morning started very quietly down
to the extension room, an hour and half
before breakfast, to try to do the 'outside
edge Backwards as per instructions. Down
l sat to put on NY skates, but somehow the
straps always got in snarl, and they didn't
seem to go on. Indeed the breakfast bell
rang just as got the first to fit, which put a
stop to skating for the present. After break
fast started up again. This time it only
took me twenty minutes to get them both on.
Off went-right left, right left, according
to the direction in the Skaters Manual
which had also purchased; but, leaning too
far forward, went down 'kerchunk.' l look
ed at the book. All! skaters must not lean
too far forward! Try it again. Right, left,
right u leaned too far backward this
time, my heels went up, my head went down
oang-and smashed the half gallon can l had
bought to grease my skates, before l knew
what was to pay. The conclusion was ter
rific-the windows ratified all over the house
stars danced before my eyes-and instead of
one, fifty oil cans seemed to be scattered a.
round. was almost collapsed, but energy
and quart of oil that had got down the
back of my neck, together with a reviving
sensation produced by the GOODNESS of the
oil-cloth where had split the seat out Of my
unmentionables. brought me up in few
minutes nearly as good as new. Th. dam
age was all done and the oil gone, and had
nothing to do but mind Jones and not get
excited. Suddenly an idea struck me. The
directions were to keep the floor smooth and
my skates creased. Here was a chance to
do both. Oil is the cheese, thinks L; and in
about five minutes, with the help of broom,