Muscatine weekly journal. [volume] (Muscatine, Iowa) 185?-1890, 1862-10-10
BY ARTEMUs WAR;
n drafted I shall resiQn.

meanter say, shall have to resign II m
drafted everywheres I've bin inrold
must now, furristuns, be inroled in upards of
200 different towns fpd kept on travelin'
should hcv eventooally becum Brigade, in
which case could hcv held meetin' ann
elected myself Brigadeer Ginral quite unani
miss. hadn't no idea there was SO many
Of me before. But, serisly, concluded to
stop exhibitin', and make tracks for Baldius-
vile.
My only daughter threw herself onto my
boosum, and said" 1t is me fayther THANK
the gods ~
She reads the Ledger.
"Tip us yer bunch Of fives, old faker !
said Artemus, Jr. He reads the Clipper.
NY wife was to the sowin' circle. | knew
she and the wimen folks was havin' a pleasant
time slanderin' the females of the other sowin'
circle, " hich likewise met that after noon
and was doubtless enjoyin' themselves ekallY
we'll in slanderin' the fust named circle, an
didn't send for her. allus like to see peo-
pie enjoy themselves.
My son Orgustus was playin' onto foot.
Orgustus is ethereal c1ss. The twins
was buildin' cob-houses in q corner of the
kitchen.
Itll cost some postage stamps to raise this
to lose any lamb of tho flock.
An old bachelor is poor critter. He may
have hearn the skylark o. whats nearly the
same thing Miss Kellogg and Charlotty Patti
sing he may have hearn Ole Bull fiddle, and
all the Dodworths toot, an yet he don't know
nothin' about music-the real, genuine thing
the music Of the laughter Of happy, we'll
fed children! And your may AK their father
home to dinner, feeling very sure there'll be
no spoons missing when he goes away. Sich
fathers never drop tin five cent pieces into the
contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs oft on.
to blind bosses for oats, nor ske idadle to
British sile when the country's in danger-
nor do anything which is really mean. l
don't mean to intimate that the old bachelor
is up to little games of that sort-not at all
but | repeat, he ia q poor critter. He
ought to pologize, on behalf of his parents,
for bein' here at all The happy married
man dies in good stile at home, surrounded
by his weeping wife and children. The old
bachelor don't die at all--he sort of rots away
like pollywog's tail.
My tOwnsmsn was sort O delnOra'lZed
There was evident desire to evade the draft.
as l observed with sorrer, and patriotism
was below Par and Mar, too. A jew des-
prit hadn't no sooner sot down on the
piazzy Of the tavern than l see sixteen hoss-
men, ridin' four abreast, wendin their way
up the street.
=" What's them? Is cavalry?'
" That" said the landlord, ''is the stage.
Sixteen able bodied citizens has lately bought
the stage line tween here and Scottsburg.
That's them. They re stage-drivers. Stage
drivers arc exempt"
saw that each stage driver carried letter
in his left hand.
1.-The mail is hevy to-day" said the land
lord. Gin'rally they don't have more n
half dozen letters tween EN-. To-day they We
got one apiece Bile my lights and liver ~
"And the passengers ?"
"There amt any skacely, Nowadays said
the landlord, land what few there is very
much prefer to walk, the road is so rough"
"An1 how is it with YOU ?? inquire
Of the editor Of the Bugle Horn Of Liberty,
who sot near me.
81 can't co." he sed, shakin his head in
a wise way. "Ordinarly should prefer to
wade in gore, but my bleedin' country bids
NE stay at home 1t is imperative that
remain here for the purposs of announcin'
from week 10 week, that our Government is
about to take rigorous measures to put down
the rebellion"
l stroled into the village Oyster saloon
where found DR.. Schwazey, a leadin' citizen.
in state of mind which showed that he'd
bin histen in moren his share of pizan.
"Hcllo, old Beeswax," he bellered slow 8
yer g-andmam When you going to feed
your stuffed animals ~
whats the matter with the eminent ply
sician pleasantly inquired,
"This," he said '' this is what's the mat
ter. I'm ahabitool drunkard! I'm exempt !
"Jes' So"
"Do you see them beans, cid man ?" and
he pinted to plate before him DO you see
EN- p
81 do. They are acheerful fruit when used
temp1itly."
"Well, said he 81 hain't eat anything
since last week. l eat beans now because
eat beans then. never mix nv vittles!
"It's quite proper that you should eat a
little suthin' once in WHILE" said. SITS
a good idea to occasionally instruct the STUN
mick that it mustn't depend exclusively on
Ticker for its sustainance.
"a blessin, "he cried "a blesdin onto the
he'd ofthe man that invented beans. a bless
in onto his hedn'
(which his name is Gibson! He's first
family Of Boston,, said |.
This is a specimen Of how things was goin'
in my place Of residence.
A few was true blue. The schoolmaster
was among 'em. he greeted me warmly
He said that was welcome to those shores
He said I had a 1nassv mind. 1t was graft
fyin, he said to see that great intelleck stakin
in their midst onct more. have before had
occasion to notice this schoolmaster. He is
evidently young man Off more than ordi-
nary talent.
The schoolmoster proposed We sh:uld get
up mass meeting. The meeting was largly
attended We had it IN the open air, round
roarin' bonfire
The schoolmaster was the first orator. He's
| pretty good on the speak. lie also writes
well, his composition bein' seldom marred by
bad grammatticisms. He said this great in
activity surprised him. "What do you ex-
pect will come of this kind Of doin's? Mill
| fit" .a.
"Hoory for Nihi!'' interrupted, "fellow
citizens, let's give three cheers for Mill, the
man who fit!' -ras
The schoolmaster turned little red, bu.
repeated fit"
Exactly, said l; "Nihil fit. He wasn't a
strategy feller" -,.t..- e.
"Our venerable friend" said the school
master, smilin' pleasantly, isn't posted in
Virgil"
mo, don't know him. But if he's able
bodied man he must stand his little draft"
The schoomsster wound up in excellent
ttyle, and the subscriber took the stand.
I said the crisis had not only cum ITSELF
but brought all its relations. 1t has cum, /
said, with O evident intention of maxim US
good long visit. It's goin' to take off its
things and stop with Us. Ny wife says so,
too If the Federal army succeeds in takin
Washington, and they seem to be advancin
that way pretty often, will FAY it is strategy,
and Washington will be safe. And that no.