The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-09-24
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
PRAorIcED pickpockets and true phil
osophers take things easy.

"YoU can't do that again." said the
pig, when the boy cut his tail of.
A MANS boots and shoes get tight by
imbibing water, but the man doesn't.
THERE are a great many beams in the
eyes of the ladies, but they are all sun
beams.
"MATcHLEss misery" has been dein-
ed to be having cigar and nothing to
light il with.
MRs. Partington says that Ike has
bought horse SO spirituous that he goes
off in a decanter.
"Bob, did you 90 to the gold mines ?"
Yes" "What did you dig| 81 dug
home as soon as possible"
THE more liquor n man drinks the
thirstier he grows. Like craft left by
the tide upon the beach, he gets high
and dry.
IL exercise promotes health, those who
collect old bills for editors should be
among the longest lived people on the
earth.
AN Arkansas paper says that many
Of the girls in that State grow six feet
high. They must be uncommonly well
cultivated.
A YOUNG girl of the delicate variety
tainted the other day when told that gun
barrels were often exhibited without
breechcs.
ONE man sued another in Pittsburg for
kicking his shins. If damages be award
ed, the court should order the amount to
be paid in shinplasters.
A YOUNG lady said TO her gallant,
"Please clasp my cloak" Certainly"
said he, putting his arms around her,
"and the contents also"
DANIEL says that he thinks that board
ers who are obliged 10 eat sausages three
times day during dog days, are justif-
ed in growing at their fare.
Our sidewalks are too narrow for the
purposes they are used for. When hoops
meet hoops, it is worse than when in the
olden time Greek met Greek.
"WoN'r you take half of this poor ap-
ple!" said pretty damsel. No thank
you, would prefer better half" She
blushed and referred him to her papa.
A POPULAR writer says that woman
"should be won by degrees" Certainly
win first her ears and eyes, then her
heart, then her lips, and then her hands.
A WESTERN editor talks of giving in
one of his columns the fibs of his neigh
Dor. We presume that the other twenty
seven are TO be filled with his own as
usual.
A RAILROAD man says that he thinks
most of the silken ties of matrimony are
cross ties. Probably he has tried to get
married and found himself switched of
the track.
PROBABLY the reason why women's
teeth decay sooner than mems is not the
perpetual friction of their tongues upon
the pearl, but rather the sweetness Of
their lips.
IT is said that a company of young
mon, contemplating an expedition TO Par
aguay, to catch wild cattle, have ordered
at Philadelphia Locomotive Works q
hundred COW -catchers.
A LITTLE boy seeing n drunken man
PROSTATE before the door Of groggery,
opened the door and putting in his head
said to the proprietor, g. see here, sir
your sign has fallen down"
A JUDGE in Indiana threatened to fine
lawyer for contempt of court. 81 have
expressed nc contempt for the court,
said the lawyer, "on the contrary, l have
carefully concealed my feelings"
A GENERAL on the point of death,
opening his eyes, and seeing a consulta-
ton of three physicians, who were stand
ing close by his bedside, family exclaim-
ed, Gentlemen, if you fire by platoons,
it's all over with me-" and instantly ex-
pired.
"WHAT tools are oftenest used in dig
oing gravesp a gentleman asked an aged
grave-digger. "Sir," said the old sexton,
"There are different ways, and I've seen
people who dug graves most, if not all, OF