The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-07-23
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
The greatest truths are the simplest;
and SO are the greatest men.


"THERE is music in thy SOLE" ms the
nico young man said to his squeaking new
boot.
THERE is man down east who is so
short-sighted that he can't sleep without
specs.
A MAN never so beautifully shows his
own strength rs when he respects wo-
mans softness.
A GIRL at party was asked what
made her cheeks so red. She replied,
those horrid chaps.
A oorEMPoRARY truthfully remarks
that those who like to be kissed the best
always make the most fuss about it.
AN Irish cotemporary speaks of fam
lily that were poisoned, and after "vom-
iting themselves TO DEATH" recovered.
CREAM may be frozen by simply put
ting it into glass vessel, and then plac-
ing the whole in an old bachelors bosom.
"HELLo there, mister, you don't know
nobody what don't know nobody what
don't want tew hire nobody TO dew moth
ing, dew yer!"
AN old bachelor says that marriage
was instituted for no express purpose than
TO prevent men from sleeping diagonally
in the bed.
WADswoRTH cautions studious friend
against growing double" but the girls
think it is the best thing nice young
man can do.
A YOUNG lady who had mislaid her
beau was advised TO hang up her fiddle.
She said the advice did great violence TO
her heart-strings.
A LoNG-ago discarded lover consoles
himself with the reflection that his loved
one is married to lawyer, has ten chill
drcn and the measles.
TOMMY, my son, what is meridian
of longitude" "a clothes line, papa"
I" How so, my son n Because it stretch
es from pole TO pole."
A wHIMpERING school boy has traced
the origin of the botanical term weeping
willow to the fact that sticks are taken
from it to chastise unruly boys.
A MAN was taken up lately for robbing
fellow lodger. He said he commenced
by cheating a printer, and after that, ev-
erything rascally came easy to him.
A GENTLEMAN who was determined to
outdo the horticuturist who raised chick
ems from egg plants, has succeeded in pro-
ducing colt from a borse-chestnut, and
calf from coward.
ADVERTISING for wife is as absurd rs
getting measured for an umbrella. "Talk
up" to the dear creatures, if you'd marry
them. One half Of the world was born
To marry the other half.
THE greatest strike" we have heard
Of lately, came off in ten-pin alley,
where man got twelve strike by split
ting the first pin, and knocked down the
remaining pins and the boy.
A PRINTERS apprentice who attempt
ed to do the agreeable to clergyman's
daughter was shocked when her father
announced the text" My daughter is
grievously tormented with devil"
A CHAP out West who had been Sc
verely afflicted with the palpitation of the
heart, says he found instant relief by the
application Of another palpitating heart.
Another triumph Of homeopathy. "Like
cures like"
A CONNECTICUT soldier writes home
that the Commissary at Annapolis has
given the BOYS so much mule meat that
the ears Of the whole regiment have
grown three and half inches since their
arrival at the Maryland Capital.
/" BIDDY," said a lady, 81 wish you
would step over and see how old Mrs.
Jones is this morning" In few min
utes Biddy returned with the information
that Mrs. Jones was just seventy-two
years, seven months and two days old.
JONES had been out TO a champagne
party and returned home at late hour.
lie had hardly got into the house when
the clock struck four. "One-one-one
-one" hiccupped Jones. 81 say, Mrs.
Jones, this clock is out of order, it has
struck ono four times"
"MY dear Horatio, l had a very mys-
terious dream about you." "What was
it, dear" 81 dreamt that l saw you
carried up TO heaven in golden chariot,
surrounded by angels clothed in white and
purple. What is that sign of, my dear 2"
4" 1t is a sign of a foul stomach, my dear
est"
A DUToHMAN was relating his marvel
Gus escape from drowning, when thirteen
of his companions were lost by the up
setting Of boat, and he alone was saved.
A." And how did you escape their fate :"
asked one of his hearers. 81 It'd not 60
in the boat" was the dutchman's placid