The Portland daily press., 1862-07-01
MISCELLANY.
signs and symptoms Matrimonial.

When a man is exceedingly willing to give
his wife money to go down town shopping
when he is porteutiously oficious in helping
her of, and declares that he don't think it is
going to rain, even when the pavements are
sprnkled with the wrathful drops, we don't be-
lieve in him-we are morally convinced that
he has got some piece of private mischief on
hand. When you come home you will be GER
tain to find your pet pair of scissors broken,
your little tack hammer dslocated, and the
floor covered with pine shavings and crooked
nails. Some atrocious shelf erected to hold
his slippers and ink-bottle where your rocking
chair was won't to nestle, or some rheumatic
stand poised on three rickettv legs and en-
tirely independent of the fourth, to which he
calls your attention a pretty ornament for
your parlors, probably account for his amiable
anxiety. When a man declares that he likes
carpentering, keep the hammer and nails locked
up, as you value your peace of mind-a carp
entering husbands worse than an epeptic one
When your husband calls for needle and
thread '.;ust to put stitch into the collars of
his new shirts" don't humor him. Offer to
make all the necessary repairs yourself but
don'ttrust him with the work-basket, any soon
er than you would trust your baby with Con-
60 leopard A mans ingenuity at altering"
is perfectly indescribabie-no human creature
can ever after get into shirt on which man
has been trying his needle-hand. He will
prick his fingers, fracture your thimble, chew
up your wax, ruin the material, and finally
ungratefn mortal-show the transmogrifed
garments to his bachelor friends as specimen
of your needlework, and assert under your
very eyes and nose that you never yet made his
shirts to fit!
When he says the coffee is excellent my
love-" prepare yourself for something farther.
He is probably paving the way for the appall-
Ing announcement that he means to go on
yachting excursion tomorrow with Jones' and
jackson. When he says that you look '.yoaii.s-
err than ever with your hair arranged in that
way he only intends to coax you to postpone
house-cleaning indefinitely.
When he says, incidentally, that he wonders
you don't keep pets, like other ladies-that he
should think, for instance, you would like a
pretty little dog, you may be sure that he has
got some ill-conditioned cur, domesticated at
his office, who has scratched up the carpet
and torn up the newspapers, and flown at eve
ry one who comes in, until it can't be tolerated
any longer.
When he comes home with the toothache,
make up your mind to be meeker than Moses,
and more patient than job. Be ready to wait
on him uncomplainingly, and if you take the
whiskers off his face with mustard plasters,
and the skin off his throat with boiling sage
tea, so much the better. man with the
toothache is only to be subdued by desperate
measures!
When he brings home new flute, and
box of @prime Havanas,- and a writing desk
and gay silk dressing-gown, you may expect
dissertation on "hard times" He has proba-
bly, lent hundred dollars to some wretch
who will flood the house with secondhand
meerschaums and Colts revolvers for three
months to come, by way of payment!
When he exhibits disagreeable inclination
to get into the kitchen, and magines that he
can boil potatoes and fry ham 'as well as any
pettcoat of 'em all set the kettle of hot water
so that 1t will chance to tip over on his legs
and contrive the ash-pans so that he may acct
dentally stumble over their gray treasures once
in while. If this don't cure him, he must be
made of abestos!
fore he hangs it up, it is more than probable that
there is surreptitious cigar bill, or a letter
from somebody about some old debt that he
don't mean you shall know anything OF, con-
cealed on the premises. Don't say a word, but
keep on the qui cice, and if you don't make
some discovery or other, it will be very singu-
lar.
The fact is, that there never was a man SO
deep but that a woman was more than his
match. Since the days of Mrs. Isaac. Samson
and Delilah, the ladies have held their own
There's no kind of necessity for matrimonial
collisions. Keep the wires oiled and well out
OF sight-dont be blinded by hypocritcal ami
ability and maneuvers. When your domestic
ostriches run and hide their heads in the sand.
pretend they are entirely beyond your KEN
Watch the signs and symptoms and you won't
fail to weather the storms.-[Mrs Geo. Wash
ington Wyllis.