The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-09-10
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
liz you are loo fat and would like to
fall of, mount vicious horse.

WHEN you dispute with fool, he is
very certain to be similarly employed.
To all men the best friend is virtue !;
the best companions are high endeavors
and honorable sentiments.
MANY politicians boast that they can't
be bought, when they are really so worth
less that they can't be sold.
A NEGRO, on being examined, was ask
ed il his master was Christian. "No,
sir; he is Member of Congress-"
Why are country girls cheeks like we'll
printed cotton? Because they are war
rantcd to wash and keep the color.
SHAKESPEARE says, "Frailty, thy name
is woman" A French translation has it.,
Mademoiselle Frailty is the name of the
lady,"
"YoU want nothing, do youl" said
Pat. "Bedad, an if it's nothing you
want, you'll find it in the jug where the
whiskey was"
BIoN, seeing person who was tearing
the hair off his head for sorrow, said -
Does this man think that badness is a
remedy for grief!'
WERE you ever cross. questioned 2"
" Yes, when questioned by my wife, after
spending the evening abroad-cross enough
in all conscience"
THE following is said to be the recipe
for making Rochester alderman's sand
wich: Brandy at the bottom, gin at the
top, and water between, the latter rs thin
as it can be spread.
ONE Of the boys tells of scarecrow
made by Uncle Ben. II not only scared
off every crow that saw it, but one crow
was so frightened that he brought back
the corn he stole three days before.
al WISH you had been Eve" said an
urchin TO a woman who was proverbial
for her meanness. "Why SOP" Be
cause you would have eaten all the sp-
pie, instead of dividing it with Adam"
A POOR sailor, wrecked on an unknown
coast, wandered about in momontary ap-
prehension of being seized by savages,
when he suddenly came in sight of gal
lows. "Ah" said he, "thank God I'm
in civilized country"
A DUTcHMAN recently went into bank
TO deposit number of Spanish quarters.
The teller informed him that they were
only worth twenty cents. The Dutch
man said, " save 'em because 10 bills
break; now te silver break too"
"JouN, can you tell me the difference
between attraction Of gravitation and at
traction of cohesion?" " Yes, sir; at
traction of gravitation pulls drunken
man to the ground, and the attraction of
cohesion prevents his getting up again"
AT recent trial in Wisconsin, the sub
ject Of controversy was demIohn Of
whisky, which was ordered to be brought
into court. The defendant was tried, and
so was the whisky; in other words, the
whisky was drunk, and so was the jury.
AN old lady, who had been frightened
by the running Of horse, was aiterward
asked show she felt when the animal
was plunging?" "Oh," said she, Il
trusted in Providence Till the 6reechia'
broke, and then | looked out for myself"
A COUNTRY editor received remittance,
with the request to "send paper as long
ms the money lasted" He INDUCED in a
bit of "spree" next week, got broke,
and respectfully announced to his subscri-
Der that, according to his own terms, his
subscription was out.
"SIR, your account has stood for two
years, and / must have it settled imme-
dately." To which the customer replied,
Sir, things usually do settle by stand
ing; l regret that my account is an ex-
ception. If it has been standing too long,
suppose you let it run little while"
"BoY," said iashionably ly-dressed
young man to the servant OF one OF his
companions, " is your master at homer
Yes, sir" replied the boy, master Is at
'ome, but he's confined to his ROOM
He's a CROWN his moostarches, and amt
allowed to see anybody but his 'airdress-
err"
A TEACHER had been explaining 10 his
class the points of compass, and all were
drawn up in front, toward the North
"Now, what's before you, John9" "The
north, sir" "And what is behind you,
Tommy 2" "My coat-tail, sir" said he,
trying at the Same time to get glimpse
of it.
The following editorial notice is decid-
edly clever and cool: "The editor has
gone up the river for few days. All
good articles, facetious remarks, puns, and
typographical errors may be attributed to
his absence. In order TO give variety and
vigor to the paper, be will frequently leave
it for week or so. 1t is TO be hoped
that tha raadare of this journal will an