The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-03-05
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

h"io younSster, and what do
you get out of him9 Blubber.
- Those who heed not Gods writ, are
often forced to heed the sheriff's
: When you wind up your affairs,
mind you use the right watch key.
= Selfrespect is the nobest garment
with which man may clothe himself.
- Why is Floyd like the ghost in
Hamlet? Because he is "sheathed in
steal"
= Why is pretty girl like first-rate
mirror? Because she's good looking
(g)lass.
- Mrs. Partington says one is obliged
to walk very circumscrumptiously these
slippery times.
- When does farmer act in great
rudeness towards his corn? When he
pulls its ears.
- Surely the man may be envied who
can eat pork chops for supper and sleep
without grunt.
= Because Commodore Foote COM
mands the fleet at Cairo, may it not be
called fleetfooted.
= Can general who has gained
victory in the night, be properly said to
have won the day?
- The friends of prosperity are birds
that come to be fed, and fly away as soon
as the crumbs give out.
- The editor of the Charleston Mer-
cury complains that his water pipe has
been cut Pity it hadn't been his wind
pipe.
- The pleasantest things in the world
are pleasant thoughts; and the greatest
art in life is to have as many of them as
possible.
= The Louisville Journal says that
the discharge of our duty at the present
time involves the discharge of cannon and
small arms.
- We don't know exactly what the
''height of ambition" usually is, but we
have seen fussy little specimen of it not
more than five feet high.
- They have got pig in Hampshire
so educated that he has taken to music.
They regulate his tune by twisting his
tail-the greater the twist the higher the
note.
-" We'll, Jeomes," said Zeb al kiss.
ed Julia for the first time last night, and
| declare it electrified me-" "No won
der" said Jeemes, "it was a gal-vanic
battery"
= gentleman having lately been
called on TO subscribe to course of lee
lures, declined, because" said he, any
wife gives me lecture every night for
nothing"
- A little boy asked the razor-strop
man if he could sharpen his Appetite
The razor-strop man at once stropped him
so severely that the urchin cut off like
winking.
-" l suppose" said quack, while
feeling the pulse of his patient "that
you think me humbug." "Sir," re-
piled the sick man, 81 perceive you can
discover what a man things by his pulse"
-"My opponent, Mr.. Speaker, per-
sists in saying that he is entitled TO the
floor Whether this is so or not, | shall
not inquire. All have got to say is
that he will get hoored if he interrupts
me again"
-" who's afraid ~ said young man
to his sweetheart in order 10 screw his
courage to the sticking place. "Why
you are" said the object Of his affection,
cor you would have taken courage six
months ago"
- Old Hunks says he used to be ter
ribly bitten by the mosquitoes until he got
married, when the bloody-vilains found
out that wife his was much the tenderest,
and he hasn't been troubled since. Talk
of the selfshness of old bachelors
=" why, Samivel, l am astonishedw
said very worthy deacon. Didn't we
take you into our church "a short
time sincep al believe so," hiccuped
Samivel; "and between you and me, it
was the deadest take in YOU ever saw or
heard Of"
"My son, would you suppose that
the Lords Prayer could be engraved on
space not bigger than half dime p
why, yes, father, if a half dime was as
largo in reality as it appears in your eyes,
think there would be no difficulty in
putting it on about four times
= The following remark was made by
swell inspecting through his eye-glass
n very small infant, exhibited to him at
the instance of its father by its nurse:-
Welcome, little strangeaw! Baby, sim
gulaw queechaw--of cawse; aw was once
baby myself. Ought to make fella
humble the ideaw of having eyaw been
saw mach like a puppyT