The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-12-24
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
RISING with birds-Getting high on a

lark. "
WHAT the hive said to the bear-Lcl
me bee.
The first man who jumped 10 conclu.
sion-Sam Patch.
PHYSICIANS prescriptions arc now call.
ed death warrants in Latin"
The trouble with bow-legged men is
that they arc always going on bcnders.
To be honest, MS this world goes, is &c
be ono man picked out Of ten thousand.
A SUBSCRIBER writes to inquire if VIC
can send him likeness Of the face OF
Nature.
In England gas is used to heat houses.
In America il is used TO heat the popular
mind with great success.
The government contcmplates furnish
ing us with rev cent rs soon As the orc
is smelt. 1t will probably have an odor
of mint.
He who cannot feel friendship is alike
incapable of love. Let woman beware
of the man who owns that he loves no
one but herself.
People usually consider two hands
enough for all purposes, but We recently
saw ON Nassau street, who had got a IT.
lie behind hand.
A YOUNG gentleman of our acquaint-
ancc says, he thinks that young ladies'
who refuse good offers of marriage are
too I" No ing by half.'
A VERY florid belle told brandy.
drinkcr the other day that his face was
too highly painted. lie rctortcd, "Il at
least is not painted in water coloTs, like
yours"
MANY persons have q. particular am
bition TO seem exactly what they are not.
We know rich man who bought splen-
did library, and signed the contract with
his mark.
BACHELORS arc a much abused class of
persons; but Quilp says it is much bet
ter to be laughed at for not being married
than TO be unable to laugh yourself, be-
cause YOU are.
AN enthusiastic author says: In
youth, we painted thousand delightful
pictures on the face of Futurity." Either
Futurity has a very large face, or the pic
lures were very small.
AN editor at Selma, Ala, in speaking
Of wedding that took place in that vii
lagc few days since, says: "Mav the
bride and groon's path through life be
strewn with peace and happiness unoiled."
A MAN came very near dying in Cali
fornia, in consequence Of drinking glass
Of cold water aud putting OH clean pair
Of stockings-an experiment which he
had not tried for q number of years be-
fore.
A FOREIGNER, who had mixed among
many nations, was asked if he had Oh
served any particular quality in our spe-
cies that might be considered universal.
He replied, Nc think dat all men loge
lazy"
AN old minister up town the other day
asked woman what could be done to in
duce her husband to attend church. 81
don't know" she replied, "unlcss you
were 20 put pipe and a jug of whiskey
in the pew"
a CONTEMPORARY recommends invalids,
who have pills to take, to put them in the
barrel Of shotgun, put the muzzle
against the stomach, and pull the trigger
with the Toe. 1t saves great deal of
disgust to your gullct, and bad taste in
your throat.
Nor long ago, youth, older in wit
than in years, after being catcchiscd con-
cerning the power of Nature, replied, 81
think there's one thing Nature cant do"
"What is that, my child! 2" "Shc can't
make Bill Jones' mouth any bigger with
out SctJln his cars DAck.
SOME benevolent individual has under
taken to cure hard drinkers, by giving
them all the liquor they want at all times.
Two of his patients were cured in three
weeks. Ono ran q curb-stone through his
head, by jumping out of n four-story
window; the other failed to get up one
morning.
A LAWYER in Ireland, who was plead
ing the cause of an infant plaintiff, took
the child up in its arms, and presented it
TO the jury suflused with tears. This had
a great effect, till the opposite lawyer ask
ed: What made you cry |" He
pinched me-" answered the little innocent.
The whole court was convulsed with
laughter.
YoUNG ladies know how TO turn slight
mishap to good account. One Of them
stumbled over tho ropes of
n recruiting tent, few days since, and
made rather extensive display of her
ankles for tho benefit of the gallant re-