The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1862-10-10
HAJoR JACK DOWNING.

| CAUCASIAN. lie lives in the White House
now, with old Abe, just as he did with old
Hickory, in 1882 g-36, and he renders the
following as the rcsulpof recent converse
tion of his 'swith Lnkin:''
A.nplying tie Principles Of Negro Eqsale
ity-Lincoln has tie Floor.
'sThe truth is, Major Downing, we Re
publicans have been tall1in about the CRATE
principle Of the equality of all men, includin
lnjins, niggers, Chinees, and so on, and
now they want me to apply the principle,
and I'm goin to do it. think there's some
humbug in it somewhere, but / don't ex-
actly see where, and as they will give me
no peace, and will never be satisfied emmy
how until it is dun, I'm goin to put it thru"
oval" ses |, ''Kerne, go ahed, but look
out for squalls"
Perhaps, ses /, you never heerd the sto-
ry about Zenas Humspun ''applyin the prin-
ciple." | hope you won't hev as bad luck
as he did. No, ses Linkin, ! never heerd
that story. What was it? Wal, ses |, Ze-
mas was goodnatured tellcr, who lived in
Downingville, and wonderful inquirin sort
of chap, alters an forever pryin into things.
If he bought clock he'd take it all apart
with his jack nife jest to see how it went to-
gether. So about the time that telegraph
was started and an offs was set up in our
town, Zenas was eenainost puzzled to deth
to get the hang Of the critter, as he called
it. One day he went to the offs an axed
the feller to show him all about it. The
chap was very perlite, an explained to him
the great principle on which it worked, but
Zenas didn't exactly see thru it, an kept AK
in questions an botherin the feler till he got
clean out Of pashins. Finally ses he to Zc-
mas, Perhaps you'd like to see me apply the
principle Zenas sed he would, of course.
Wal, ses he, then you jest take hold of them
brass knobs an stick to 'em tight. So Ze-
mas grabbed hold of 'em like all possessed,
but he hadn't more'n fairly got hold before
he la5- spramlin ON the floor. 'ffile 'princi--
pie had knocked him clean over Now, Ze-
mas was terribul teller to smoke, an alters
carried his pockets full of Lusifar matches
to light his pipe with 1t SO happened that
he had hull box full in his coat tail pock-
ct as he keeled over on the floor, an as he
fell they scratched agin one anuther 50 strong
that they all got afire. 1t warnt but lit
tie while afore Zenas' coat tail was all in
blaze, an afore it could be put out it had
burnt an orful big hole in the seat of his
trowsers, an scorched him thereabouts anna
zinly. Zenas yelled an hollered orful, an
sed he didn't want TO know enything more
about applyin the principle. Now, ses I,
Kernel, [ hope you won't have as bad luck
as Zenas did, but depend ont, this applyin
principles you don't exactly understand, is
dangerous business. If you don't git burnt
somewhere it will be wonder.
WHO MADE THE Niger?
Wal, Sos Lnki, Majer, you're cute
chap in tellin a story, but now tell me, do
you think the nigger an the white man didn't
cum from the same parrient? Now, ses |,
Kernel, that's akin deep question. You
see it's onpossibul to tell what the Creatur
may have done. He might have only one
kind of man at fust, and then altered their
constitushins, an complexions, an brains af-
terwards. You see everything is possible
to the Creatur. Or the niger may have
cum from Ham, who was cussed for his sins,
but then / don't see that it is enything agn
the scriptoors to believe that all the kinds of
men were made at the bcginnin jest as they
are now. But it don't make eny difference
how they cum SO, so long as they are diff
terent. You can't eny more make white
man out of niger now than you breed a
lion out Of pole cat. You see< it's clear
agin naiur to expect to make the niger eny-
thing but niger. You can't get peach
out of a crab-apple, nor pumpkin out of a
watermelon, nor eagles out of ducks eggs.
You can't raise chickens from egg-plants,
or produce goslns from gooseberries. You
see, Kernel, everything in natur must SO
accordin to natm. If the nigger had been
intended to be equi to the white man, and
the very fact that he amt made so, is proof
positive that he warn't intended TO be put
in white mans place. Tryin to make a
nigger act like white man is jest like old
Sol Hopkins, one year harnessin his off OK
an his boss together to plow corn. The OK
was lazy as he could be, an the boss was a
young, high-strlng animil, an sich pullin
an haulin team you never did see. 1t al
most killed both You see it was workin
agin natur. 1t was tryin to make boss an
OK, and an OK hoss, neither Of which things
can be did. You see, Kernel, eUe,yt(ting
IN natet7' must gosaccords,a TO natur.
Wal, ses Linkin, there is good deal in
what you say, but then the people don't be-
lieve it. They think the nigger is only ac-
cidentally black, an if he lacks in mind an
capacity, it's all OWN to slavery, an they