Litchfield enquirer., 1862-10-09

h1lSHulenC, Toau tHe war news Ouce more, ana tnef issued the following enterpTrising card 1
 
 | Buy THE CELEBRATED
 | WASHINGTON SAFE! 1 ............ ......... I Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read 30 much about in the papers, my boy, and sever al hundred were sold. -;'
 There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor of a Family and Military Gridiron, who noticed how the thoughtful Boston chap was making money by the advertising necessities of our distracted country. Having been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my boy, he was not long in finding a way to make his own eter- nal fortune, after the same meritorious manner So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to make sure that majority of our staff officers would hear him. and then says he in stentorian tones ~"My sympa thies are llwith the Southern Confederacy, to whom sendthe weeklyjournals 1 of romance on the day of publication As to the Union" says the Connecticut chap, ehoty !" I have less confidence in it than have in my patent Economical Family and Military Gridi- ron."
 He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk, my oy, and all the reporters telegraphed an exciting dispatch to the reliable morning journals.
 Esciting Afasr-Ar7est of an Influential Rebel 1.-The celebrated Mir. Burns has been ar- rested for publicly saying that he had more con- | fdence in his we'll known and ingenious patent Economical Family and Military Gridiron than he had in the Union> Upon hearing of his in. generation the most sanguine rebel sympatA- izers here admitted that the cause of the South was lost forever"
 The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he had receysa four hundred orders for gridirons, from private families and army chap lains, and then he explained that the words he had used were uttered in the heat of passion, and he was of course, honorably discharged from prison. to make way sfor shameless, aged mi . creant just committed for two years hard labor on suspicion of having discouraged enlistments by asserting that, although he was to old to go to the war himself, he intended to send sub stitute.
 Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphesd again; to the reliabs morning journals:
 THE BURNS AFFAIR SETTLED !-FuLL PAR TIcULARs OF THE GRIDIRoN !-Mr. Burns, the celebrated inventor of the famous Patent Ecc- nomical Family and Military Gridiron, has l cen honorably discharged by order of the Secretary of War. his inimitable Grdiron, is destined to have an immense sale. It cooks. a beefsteuk in such manner that the appetite is satisfied from merely looking at it, and the same steak will do l for breakfast next morning. This is great say. ing. Persons having nothing to eat find this gridiron great comfort, and hence the pro- priety of introducing it in the army. =.
 The Gridirons are having n great sale, my boy, and it is believed that the business interests of the country are being rapidly improved by the war; a..... .... "'
 Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was mak ing preparations to entrap the Southern Confed- , eracy at Molasses Junction, I ascended to the uper gallery of my architectural steed, Pegasus on Tuesday, in order that might not be uindaly hurried on my journey. Taking ocomac on my way to the battle field, my boy 1T called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who is superintend ing preparations for the draft there and was witnessto. .aniipcident suitable to be recorded 1T profane history. The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take place on the llth of September but it is not believed that the enrolment can be fin ished before the 18th in which case, the draf must inevitably take place on the 2Oth. In fact the Judge Advocates of Accomac state positivel, that the conscription will commence on the Is I October and volunteering is so brisk tha no drafting may be required. At least, such i the report of those best acquainted with tn more decisive plans of the War Departmen, which thinks ofjoiningg the Temperance Society I The'exempts were filing their papers of ex emptio6 with Colonel Wobert Wobinson, m, boy, and amongst them wes one chap with swelled eye, deranged neckti and hat ths looked as though it might have been used as q ! elephants fostsbaths -Fha chap came in with'' $ wavy walk, and says he:i syt% @fs :
 Being married man. war has no terrorsfo
 me: put am obliged to8exempt myself fror q military affairs on account of the cataract in m ], eyes," t&s a27i ! es4 s5.s .s., /: s Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at hir ; Isympathisihgly, and says he :." You might po I sibly do for Major General my son, aa- it q blindless principally that characterizes msio e ity of our present Major Generals, in the field but fearing that your absence trom home rmigl !, cause prostration in the liquor business, I wi accept of your contract as valid. T '5a :. s..,
 : Thep poor chap sighed. until he reached u !, first hiccup, and then says he ;; 4 wish eou Q Ecure this here Cataract which causes my eyes {. weep. in the absenceof aa,wos.n :. f fa !. Do your orbs liquidateso freely says u srE Colonel, with the air of family physician. ; -I I4 alYss."says the poor chap, gloonily, {" h th H lare like two continual mill streams. aa
 "Alll streams !" says Colonel Wobinso