Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1862-10-02
LETTER FROM oRpHEUs C, KERR.
WILLIAM BROWN ON THE CONSERVATIVES.

the return OF the venerable Uatnihou nom
visit to his aged family at Mugville, whittier he
goes regularly once month for the benefit OF
the sagacious chaps Of the press. A great
blessing is the Venerable Cannon to the palla-
dunn of our liberties, my boy; for no sooner
does our army cease to change its base OF opera
tons and do other things calculated TO make
the war interesting and lengthy, than he pulls
out his ruffles, signs frequently, and melts away
TO Mugville. Then all the sagacious press
chaps rush to the telegraph office and fash fe'
verish paragraphs to the intelligent morning
journals Highly experimentation depart
ure of the Venerable Cannon for Mugyille TO
attend the death-bed of reative-Believed in
military circles that this indicates change in
the Cabinet-Border States delegation has
again waited on the President-More vigorous
policy needed"
Whereupon the editors of all the intelligent
morning journals ecstatically print the para.
graphs afixing to them: Note by Editor
Washington is a town in the so called District
| of Columbia-situated on the Potomac. We
| infer from our correspondents dispatch that it
has not yet been taken by the rebels"
| American journalism, my boy, in presenting
a vast amount of matter daily, is eminently cal.
culated to impress the youthful brain with a
keen sense of what wide distinction there is
between Mind and Matter. .
Immediately on the return of the Venerable
Cannon he commenced saying things, which
made all the rest of mankind seem like withered
children in comparison with him. He was
beaming genally on the throng at Wizards
and says TO him:
ut would appear, my beloved Pater Patriae,
that military matters are not quite as interesting
as a woman with headache just now"
| The Venerable Cannon pitied my youth,
and waved his hand fatty by way of a silent
blessing to all the world. military affairs"
says he, effulgently, "are like metaphysics.
Military affairs" says the Venerable Cannon,
beninenantly, "are like that which VIC do not
understand-they defy our comprehension and
comprehend our defiance"
Then all the Congressman looked at each
other, as much as to say the Union was saved at
last; and fc 1t like babe in the presence ofthe
great Behemoth of the Scriptures.
How the Venerable Cannon has anything at
all to do with this war, can't find ont, my boy;
but when the affectionate populace learned that
the Venerable Cannon had returned from
Mugville they swarmed around his carriage.
and entreated him either - spit upon them or
| save them from slow decay by speech. 1t was
then the Venerable man raised his hand in sooth-
ing benediction, and says he:
My friends, you are young yet and have
much to learn concerning war. | can only say
to you, my friends, that all goes we'll with Mr..
Mcclellan and, if you will only hasten to fill
up old regiments, raise few thousand new
ones. and 60 yourselves, the advance upon Rich
mond may commence in our tme.'
The most enthusiastic cheering followed this
comforting speech of the Venerable Cannon,
and six ecstatic chaps Immediately offered to
/, volunteer as Major Generals.
Shall we presume to talk of drafting, my boy,
when the. is such readiness OH the part of the
neonle 70 lead he troops7 l think not, my
bow / think not. LIZ. the draft be protested.
On Wednesday again took trip to Patss,
accompanied by my frescoed dog, Doiogna, anS
found upon eaching that city that tie sas
Brigade had built itsen d 'nean ae,n 40 ~ mar
manner of Drury Lane, and was "'oa haste
take of the rich Intellectual drama. This " ',
temple might possibly be taken fer a COW onU,.,
my boy, by those who are not conversant with
architecture in one story.
~
The curtain having been taken down by a
gentleman who had forgotten to wash himself
when the wash stand went round last time, the
play commenced; and found it to be
i DRAMA IN ONE AGK-BY CAPTAIN WILLIAM
BROWN, EskEvIRE'
, The plot of this admirable work is very sim
{ pie, my boy, and appeals to those sentiments Of
the hum an heart which affect the liver The
scene is laid in Washington, where it has beer
frequently seen, and the drama opens with &
fine
CONSERVATIVE CHORUS.
Il aN Abram, spare the South,
Touch not single slave:
: Nor e'en by word of mouth
i Disturb the thing we crave.
n ..#E Twas our forefatbers hand
s. That slavery begot;
There, Abram, let it stand
Thine Acts shall harm it not
o At the conclusion of this spirited Natona
q Anthem, the Border State chaps who have BEEF
:, singing it are invited to have another intervie,
a with the President, who has only seen ther
;, twice the same morning. AS they pass out, tn
L celebrated Miss Columbia appears, wrapt j
e deep thought and the American flag, and read
~ ing the twenty third proclamation for the GU
ie rent month. She asks her heart if she is indee
re divorced-if her once happy Union is indee
ct broken and as her heart refuses to answer an
10 such common question, doubt is allowed
at remain in the bosom of the spectator. In dee
n. agony she knees at the monument of Washing
!. ton and softly sings "Hail Columbia" while tt
=. Southern Confederacy, who has just arrive
i, proceeds to plant batteries all around her, a
~ sisted in the work by reliable contrabands Aft
es some moments spent in prayer for the repose
- SeCIetdTy WelfeS, IOluUlDld ulSCONeTS Her Su
to roundings and is about to make faint, VIII,
a. the spirit of Napoleon appears, and tells h
ce that she has nothing to fear, as he is about
D. change his base of operations, and take Ric
n. mond. He tells her that he would have taken
long before bat for the Tribune. This is We
fine scene-very fine. The spirit Of Napole
then proceeds to pick mp everything he can fl
IT and throws it over to the Southern Confederae
ST. at the same time swinging himself around so
in left fist may be presented to the enemy inste
of his right, only pausing long enough to dri
)" back a reliable contraband who has started
desert him. Matters are progressing admiral
e. and the Confederacy has only planted invent
70 four more batteries around Columbia, when
Conservative Chorus comes tearing back to
scene, with the news that the president has
lat termined to pay for all runaway slaves in pc
est age stamps This splendid stroke of policy
n completely staggers the Confederacy, that
&C. only erects thirtytwo more batteries, a
=, acknowledges that his back bone is brok
no Strange to say, Columbia still labors under
lin delusion that she is in danger; but is finally
assnrad hv fbo epir,t ne Ma nnIor,p u,b,,