The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1862-08-06
WHOLE NO. 30S
A Lawyer In a Fix.

A Lawyer In a Fix.
Did ever tell you about the Newark
lawyers first case in Minnesota? MOI
Well, then here it goes, for it's worth cir.
cuating You are no doubt we'll aware that
many spiigs Of aristocracy in eastern cities
labor under the impression that in order to
extinguish all other lights they have only
to emigrate to some western town and daz.
zle the natives. Many man has thus
started out in search of wool, and been
himself badly shorn. And in no town in
the world does this class stand poorer
chance than in St. Paul, Minnesota.
So much for introduction, and key to
the fact why the mass is made up of the
ablest lawyers, judges, clergy, merchants,
capitalists, and spectators, who overtaXed
their mental energies in eastern citics.--
And now to the story:
1t was pleasant morning in the month
Of August (no matter what year)-while
the large aud splendid key City, (Capt.
Jones Worden and Clerk L. Eldred,) was
proudly ploughing her way up the Missis-
sippi from La Crosse, that brilliantly
dressed gentlemen of about twenty five
years of age was to be seen leisurely re-
clining on railing in front Of the office,
putting the ten cent regalia, just taken from
his pocket, and evidently wondering if the
half civilized people of st. Paul ever sink.
ed anything more expensive than pipes.
Turning to plainly dressed gentleman
at his side, he exclaimed:
"Ah, you-ah, acquainted in st. Paul ?"
"Oh, yes; know most of the leading
citizens was the reply
"Do you, indeed ~ exclaimed the fashy
gentleman. "Well, then, am in luck
pretty lively place?'
Quite So, sir; every man has something
to do, and are all making good living"
DO you live-ah, in st. Paul ~
81 do"
"Have you any lawyers there ?"
"Quite too may, sir. That is my profess
sion."
The dandy looked at the man at first
with incredulity, and then, with patron.
izing air, said:
II have reference, my good fellow, to
first class attorneys men Of education, who
graduated at Colleger'
A light seemed to break in upon the
mans mind as he replied:
"Ah | see what you mean! No, We
law yer, sir?''
Initiating himself with importance and
great condcscension, he replied:
"A graduate, sir, of the b st college in
New Jersey. And, if sufficient encour-
agement is held out by the members of the
bar in st. Paul, will stop among them,
and give them the benefit of my knowl-
edge"
At the same time the brilliant young
sprig produced and handed over very
miniature card, which read:
G-E-L,
Newark, N j.
The man seemed delighted. He claimed
the privilege at once Of extending to the
stranger the hospitalities Of the bar of St.
Paul and declared that within two hours
after the arrival of the boat public recep-
ton should be given him.
As the sun was sinking in the west the
Key City touch at the levee at St. Paul,
and the distinguished stranger was ut once
conducted to leading hotel to await the
arrival of the city bar in body.
In about two hours they arrived, and
were presented in due form by the man
who came up on the boat with the brilliant
scholar, and who had introduced himself as
Mr.. Spotless. Then came Judge Kirby,
Judge Allfish, Advocate Bloodeye, lawyers
Keen, knifepoint, Hadax, Harvey, and
some two dozen Others-all anxious to
show their. respect to the lawyer who had
been "edicated," and was "a gwine for to
show IN how they dew things in jersey"
During the excitement of shaking hands
and taking drinks for the twentieth time,
from the row of bottles placed upon the
table, long gaunt six and half footer
came in with boots off, and without hat,
coat, or vest, and in a stentorian voice ex-
claimed;
"Evenin' court is now open, and I'll
shoot every man who don't attend in three
minutes ~
There was at once scattering from the
room. Some escaped by one door and some
by another; but Judge Kirby grasped the
Jersey lawyer by the hand and whispered:
Follow I'VE and you will be safe!''
! Escaping by back door, and threading
innumcrable dark lanes and cowyards, the
Judge and his young friend at length
reached the extensive livery stable at ALI
bones-the maddest wag in the State.
Here they found a row of twelve barrels
for the jury to sit upon, inverted water
pals for the lawyers, and a bundle for the
Judge. The prisoner at the bar-who was
being tried for the murder of his mother
with butcher knife-was seated on
wheelbarrow, smoking an Indian pipe, and
swearing that he could whip any three men
on the jury.
"Gentlemen !" gasped the educated man,
''can it be possible that you conduct curtis
in this manner in St. Paul?"
"its only lately that we have had so
nice room as this replied half dozan
lawyers. 1--WE used to meet in Bloodeye's
woodshed; but this is extra"
Ihe presiding Judge now called the
court to order, and asked the prisoner if he
had any counsel
"Not one," was the loud reply; but if
that ere chap with nice clothes on will take
a holt of the job, III give hin. two cows
and hundred acres Of perary. ...
Young Jersey was undecided and waver-
ing, but at length suffered out that he
wished to be excused; whereupon the pris.
oner sprang to the length of his chain, up
set the wheelbarrow, and sworc if the man
didn't take hold of the case and clear him,
that he would follow him from house to
house, and drink the last drop of his hearts
blood. This decided the matter at once;
and the proud sprig of aristocracy felt that
his own life, as well as that of his client,
depended upon the amount and quality Of
forensic ability that he could bring to bear
upon the jury. On his rising to address
the Court, the presiding Judge Indignantly
informed him that no College baby, with
coat on, would be permitted to speechify
in that temple.
George removed his coat, and was per-
emtoriIy ordered to remove his vest, neck
tie, suspendcrs, boots and stockings. The
orders were all obeyed at the pistols maz-
zle, held by the crier Of the COurt-a con.
;pval;l fo,f t,,.o =, in, h;e