The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1862-03-25
SKATING 4 HUMBUG.

boys where some old fellow of piou' memory
on being requested by Queen Dido to give an
account Of his travels, replied: "Thou com
mandcst me, o Queen, TO relate the history
, Of my woes" 1t is with feeling of the same
description (only more SOY that | address Q
discriminating public, in the hope that my
example will prove warning TO all similarly
, tempted. But few days since some ono
published an article on Skating as fire
ar, :" the man must have been insane! Ska
ting, say, Isl humbug and what say
/ know bv said experience Listen for mo-
ment and YOU will agree with mo.
Last spring, while walking with Araminta
through the sylvan shades Of the Central
Park, the cbarmi' g young female went into
cslacies over what Gn her ignorarce) sto
termed the elegance aud grace(ulncss of the
amusement Of skating, and after avowing her
determination TO acquire its mysteries during
the coming winter, or Go down into an un.
timely grave, turned to ne and exclaimed in
a tone of melting sweetness: "And you, Mr..
Smith," (my name is Smith,) "you will teach
me, am tureH The voice, the glance, the
the pressure on my arm which accompanied it.,
made my heart 90 pit-apat, faster than
pleased rabbits tail. Need ] say that / at
once embraced the proposal aud as much OF
the proposcr as | could, without attracting
public attention. On returning to the pster-
nal root it suddenly struck me lha had for
gotten one important thing in rashly making
/ this promise-I could not skate. Horror!-
After one moments reflection, | seized my
hat anG rushed to find Jones. | met him in
Broadway, and coIlarcd him Sc quickly that
every one looked around, and small boy
halloed "Polic,w instantly.
Jones' [ exclaimed, IL have got to
learn how to skate right off. How is it to be
done"
"Lct 90 my collar, Smith" was the reply
Of the somewhat ira,c JONES' "and don't get
so (somehow or other) excited. You can
learn easy enough if you will buy a pair Of
parIor skates"
"Jores," returned, rolinqui,hing his CO..
lar, as requested; 'you'fc my prcSerycr, what
will YOU tal:c"
Jones took something, arranged his collar
and We brought the best par OF parlor skates
money could procure. Full directions were
gwen by tho skateman. "Only have your
flpor smooth and keep your skates well grcas.
ed, and you will go like birdI' was his en-
me with the charge.
" Grease. What do you grease them with I"
"Od,' be- answered soiemniy.
bought half gallon at once. Jones gave
me lis advicr, too. "Alw lys 90 ahead, and
if on don't get excited, yol will Go the on :.
side edge backwards in week.
"Oulside etgo backward" " / sail, "w. as
thatr
"This style" answered Jones, standing, as
lie spoke, on his right ler, and twisting lin
self rs though trying to look a. his right coat
tail under bis left elbow. stood on my right
leg aud t'ed To catch a Gin psc Of my right
coat tail undcr my clbom, bu not succeeding,
remarked that Il didn't $50 it" Tn re,t
Jones laughed as though had said good
thing.
Next mornjng started very quietly down
- the extension room, an hour aul half toe
FIRE breakfast to try to DO the 'ou's ,c cdg,.
backward, as per instructions. Down | sal
to put Oh my skates, but somehow tie straps
always seemed 10 get in a suarl, and they
didn't seem to go ON. Indeed tho breakfast
tell rang just as | got the first u fit which
pu, stop to skating for the present After
breakfast | started up again. This time it
only took mo twenty minutes TO get them
beth on, OF | wcnt-right left, right left.
according to the direction in the Skaters
Manual, which had also purchased; but;
caaIrg to fn forward, went down 'kcrchuI k.
looked at the book. All! skaters mast not
lean too far forward. Try it again. Right,
LEFT, right - leaned too far backward
this time, my heels went up and my head
went down bang-an1 smashed the half gall
lon oil can had bought TO grease my skates,
before | knew wLat was 10 pay. Tho con.
cussion ras terriic-thc windows ratified all
over the house-stars daEceG before my eyes
and instead Of one, fifty oil cacs seemed to
be scattered around. l was almost collapsed,
but energy and a quart Of oil that had got
down the back of my neck, together with
reviving sensation produced by the GOODNESS
Of the oiIcloth where had split the seat out
Of my unmen,ionables brought ne up in
few minutes nearly "a good as new. The
damage was all done and the oil gone, and ]
had nothing to 10 but mind Jones and not get
excited. Suddenly an idea struck me. The
directions were to keep the floor smooth and
my skates creased. Here was chance to do
both. Oil is the chcrs, thinks / /; and in about
five minutes, with the bel of b Dom, the
aforsaid oil was being rapidly distributed,
about half an inch deep, over the whole Of the
floor.
Just at this moment in rushed mother, SIS,
and the governor, who had heard my unlucky
tnmblc, and thought that had hung myself
and the rope had broken, or that something
else equally horrible was to pay.
"Oh, James what has happened r. was the
cry-when up went their heels, and down
went the old lady on ono side, and sis on the
other, and the governor end over end over
them both. all into the thickest part of the
/ half gallon. Dire was tho confusion, during
which left. This WAS my first experience
on pdrlor skates.
After months practice, however, got so
| could 60 along ni:ely by working well with
my shoulders and swinging my hands about
considerably, although | wW acknowledge
that / never could stand on my right leg and
look at my coat tail under my elbow, as Jones
had done, without sitting on it before could
obtain single glimpse Of its "far proper
tons"
Winter was now at hand. Araminta had
presented mo with gorgeous skating cap-I