The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-08-06
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
A MAN may be called poverty stricken
when knocked down by beggar.

LIE SuleSI hnu tluCn the cOmmonest
way to steal is to buy and not pay.
"ALL's well that ends WE'LL" said the
monkey, contemplating his beautiful tail.
The traveller with empty pockets can
sing and snap his fingers in the robbers
face.
IL you have scolding wife, trust to
time; old age may bring you the blessing
of deafness.
SOME peoples hearts are shrunk in
them like dried nuts; you can hear them
rattle rs they walk.
TIE most pestiIent kinds of wood
sawyers in our country are those in the
Mississippi River.
EvERYTHING has its use; life to teach
us the contempt of death, and death the
contempt of life.
Why is it that when dcbater makes
mince-meat of his adversary he is said,
not TO mince matters.
WHOEVER approaches us on n sunny
morning from the East is coming event
casting n shadow before.
If fate designs man to teach, she
compels him TO learn-bitter lessons, too,
whether he will or not,
WE are told to have hope and trust,
but what's poor fellow to do when he
can no longer got any trustg
"PRAY, sir" said a gentleman TO a
wag upon wharf, "what is wood now T.
" Why, trees cut down and chopped up"
"JouN, why don't you stop crying, and
go to sleep! What do you want ~
I've got the tooth-ache-thats what |
want"
AN Irishlnan being asked why he wore
his stockings wrong side out, replied, "be-
cause there's hole on the ither side ov
EN-"
"ToBY, what did the Israclitcs do when
they crossed the Red Sea-" 81 don't
know ma'am, but ! guess they dried
themselves"
A GREAT poet says that "tho noun
tains are fixed forever" We know, how
ever, that it is no uncommon thing for
them to slope.
THERE is a tradesman in the city who
is so opposed to pugilism, that he refuses
to advertise, fearing he might hit the pub
lie taste.
IT is stated that in n certain locality in
California the quartz is SO rich, that a
pound and half of gold is extracted from
every pound of rock.
QUILP says, when he sees kisses be-
tween women it reminds him of two hand
some unmatched gloves-charming things
with proper mates, but good for nothing
that way.
THE heirs of Robinson Crusoe have in
sttuted n suit TO recover the Island OF
Juan Fernandez, founding their claim up
on the ground that he was "monarch Of
all ho surveyed"
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by q
stout fellow, If two pigs weigh 2Olbs.
how much will largo hog weight" re-
piled, slump into the scales, and l will
tell you Immediately"
AN English writer says you can tell
when you arc surrounded by dozen
Americans by tho following unerring test
"Threc will be smoking cigars, and nine
reading newspapers"
"On, MISS" said love-sick swain, ''i
| were but yon bright star, how brightly
| would shine for you" What pity u
said she, musingly, "that you can't shine
here" He went out directly.
"SoLoMoN, I fear you have been for
getting me-" said a bright-cyod girl tc
her lover the other day. ayes, Sue
said slow Sol, excusing himself "Pvc
been for getting you these two years."
"GRIBBs, I understand you have a
superior way of curing hams. l should
like to learn it." "Well, yes; l know
very we'll how to cure them; but the
trouble with me just now is how TO pro-
cure them"
A CORRESPONDENT has sent piece oI
poetry with these words, "The follow
ing lines were written moro than fifty
years ago, by one who has for many years
slept in his grave merely for his own
amusement"
A POETIC young man, in describing the
movements of lot Of gold fish, says
"They flashed and darted about like
bright hopes through lovers BRAIN
That young man should be looked to-
He's been staying out o nights.
THE proprietor of a printing Office wa.
one day talking to printer who was a
work, about his habits, and made the re
mark, 81 am afraid yours is a hopeless
case." Looking down, the printer repli
cd, "No, sir; It's a BREWER case"