Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1862-07-04
The Voluntary Invalid.

hhO sVsWusuiy huSulius
a fine town-lady was married to coun-
try gentleman, Of ancient descent, in one Of
the counties Of Great Britain, who had good
humor to weakness, and was that sort Of
person, of whom it is said, he is no mans
enemy but his own one, who had too much
tenderness Of soul to have any authority
with his wife and she too little sense to
give him any authority, for that reason. His
kind wife observed this temper in him, and
made proper use fit. But knowing it was
beneath gentlewoman to wrangle, she re-
solved upon an expedient to save decorum
and wean her dear to her point at the same
time.
She therefore took upon her to govern
him, by falling into Mysteries whenever she
was repulsed in request, or contradiction
in discourse.
II was fish-day, when, in the midst ol
her husbands good-humor at table, she be-
thought herself to try her project. She
made signs that she had swallowed bone.
The man grew pale rs ashes, and ran to her
assistance, calling for drink. r
"No, my DEAR" said she, recovering, cit
is down; do not be frightened"
This accident betrayed his fondness en-
ough. The next day she complained, a
lsdy's chariot, whose husband had not half
his estate, had crane-ueck, and hung with
twice the air that hers did.
He answered: m
Madam, you know my income you
know have lost two coach-horses this
spring,"-down she fell. q Hartshorn Bet
ty, Susan, Alice, throw water in her face"
With much care and pains she was at
last brought to herself, and the vehicle in
which she visited was mended in the incest
manner TO prevent relapses; but they fire.
quently happened during that husbands
whole life, which he had the good fortune
to end in a few years after.
The disconsolate widow soon pitched up
on very agreeable successor, whom she
very prudently designed to govern by the
same method. This man knew her little
arts, AID resolved to break through all ten
derness, and be absolute master as soon as
occasion offered.
One day it happened that discourse a
rose about furniture he was very glad Of
the occasion, and fell into an invective a.
gainst china, protesting, that he "would new
er let five pounds more Of his money be laid
out that way as long as he breathed."
She Immediately tainted. He starts up
as amazed, and calls for help. The maids
run to the closet. He chafes her face, bends
her forward, and beats the palms Of her
hands her convulsions increase and down
she stumbles on the floor, where she lies
quiet dead, in spite of what the whole fami-
ly, from the nursery to the kitchen, could do
for her relief.
While every servant was there helping
or lamenting their mistress, he, fixing his
cheek to hers, seemed to be following in
trance of sorrow, but secretly whispers
her:
"My dear, this win never do; what is
within my power and fortune you may al
ways commands but none Of your articles;
you are quite in other hands than those you
passed these pretty passions upon."
This made her almost in the condition
she pretended; her convulsions now came
thicker, nor was she to be held down. The
kind man doubles his care helps the serv-
ants to throw water in her face by full
quarts and, when the sinking part Of the
fit came again;
/" Well, my DEAR" said he, applaud
your actions; but must take my leave Of
you till you are more sincere with me );
farewell forever; you shall always know
where to hear of me, and want for nothing"
With that he ordered her maids to keep
plying her with hartshorn, while he went
for physician, he was scarce at the stair
head when she followed, and pulling him
into closet, thanked him for her cure,
which was SO absolute that she gave me
this relation herself to be communicated
for the benefit of all the voluntary invalids
of her sex.