The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-08-13
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
The newspaper, after all, is the real ro-

MoNEY-Tho god Of the nineteenth
century.
ToNaUE-A little horse which is con-
tinually running away.
DocToR-A man who kills you to day
to save you from dying tomorrow.
EDrToR-A poor wretch who empties
his brain in order TO gil his stomach.
MEN love dearly to be embraced, but
not by boa-constrictor or tax law.
TREAT hungry man as thoy used to
treat the bodies of suicides-drive a stake
into him.
No matter how ugly you may be, your
shadow will stick faithfully to you, for it
is as ugly rs you arc.
A DENTIST advertises that he inserts
teeth cheaper than anybody else. A bull
dog will do it still cheaper.
The seed of winter wheat retains its
terminating powers from three to four
years, of spring wheat two or three years.
NEVER strike children on the head,
since Providence has supplied them with
place much moro suitable for punish.
ment.
SINCE bellies are so anxious to wear
something not worn by their rivals, isn't
it singular that none of them have ever
thought of putting on little modesty?
SAID little girl to her mother one day,
"Did they ever have newspapers before
the war" Why do you ask" "Be-
cause l should like to know what they
had to put in them"
A MAN attempted 10 spell crockery yes
terday, and proceeded thus" Kraugh-
kearreighe-" but expired in a spasm be-
fore he could make with which he in
tended to end the word.
"WoN'T you take half of this poor APP
ple| said pretty damsel to witty
swain. "No, l thank you, | would pre-
fer better hayf" Eliza blushed, and
referred him to her papa.
any DEAR" said gentleman to
young lady to whom he thought to be
married, "do you intend to make fool
of me!" "No," replied the lady, "na-
ture has saved me the trouble"
A LONDON medical journal states the
case of man who lived whole year af-
ter his back bone was broken. We men
ton this rs an encouragement and conso-
lation to the Southern Confederacy.
A DANDY, with cigar in his mouth,
on board steamboat, once stepped up
to stranger and said, Pray, sir, do
gentlemen smoke in your country -
" Gentlemen don't smoke in any country"
was the lacoric answer.
"SnE struck me very much at first"
said the witty daughter of celebrated
novelist, to lisping swell. "Did she,
indeed!" said the dandy; "that was very
rude of hcrp at was q rudcness of
which you were not guilty." was the ready
reply.
The people of Vicksburg look with
evil eyes upon the niggers engaged in
digging the cutoff. They shoot off guns
at them, but all to no purpose. Howev-
er meanly they may think of n " Digger
INDIAN" they think much worse of dig
ger niger.
SOME of our exchanges are recommend
ing that Kerosene oil be poured on vines
and plants, to save them from the rava-
ges Of bugs and worms. A friend of ours
has tried il on cucumber vines, and the
bugs and worms were killed. So were
The vines.
THE Humboldt Times tells fearful
earthquake story, wherein it says, the
ground at Mattole opened so far as to en-
gulf cow, and Immediately shut, crush
ing the COW, except the tail, which curl
ously enough sticks out monument Of
her sad end.
"JonN," said n minister to his man,
" you should become teetotaller-you
have been drinking again to-day"
"Do you never take drop yourselfp
"Ah! but John, you must look at your
circumstances and not mine."
avery true, sir" said John; "but can
you tell me how the streets of Jerusalem
were kept so clean!"
"No, John, l cannot tell you that"
"Well, sir, it was just because every
ono kept his own door clean"
A FEW days since Federal officer no.
ted for his suavity as well as bravery, was
strolliug down sidewalk in Memphis,
when he met couple of secesh ladies who
with every symptom of disgust immedi-
ately placed their handkerchiefs to their
delicate noses, as though they smelt some
thing terrible odious TO refined olfacto-
ries. lie at once stopped, lifted his hat
with one hand, placing the other over his
weskit remarked blandly as he bowed
politely: "Ladies, you may THINK so,
but | assure YOU upon my word OF hon