The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1862-11-19
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
EVERY man is a volume if you only
know how to read him.

EVERY man is volume if you only
know how TO read him.
Why is kiss like scandal? Because
it goes from mouth 10 mouth.
A LITERARY critic says: ave love n
living authoress." That's frank, good
brother, but pray, who is she9
LITTLE girls believe in man in the
moon; young ladies in a man in the hon
ey-moon,
The entire assets of recent bankrupt
were nine children. The creditors acted
magnanimously and let him keep them.
JONES (hearlless fellow J says the only
parting that ever troubled him, is the
parting of his back hair.
WOMEN can't bear control. If the
Lord had commanded Eve TO eat the ap-
pie, probably she wouldn't have touched
il.
DANIEL SAYS that he thinks that board
ers who are obliged to eat sausages three
times day during dog-days are justified
in growing at their fare.
"PIN not your faith on mans sleeve"
is n good maxim; but Amoretta says
she can't help it when the thing is round
her neck with her lovers arm in il.
A nEN-PEcKED husband writes: "Be-
fore marriage, / fancied welded life wo'd
be all sunshine; but afterward, | found
out that it would be all moonshine."
SPEAKING Of vegetable wonders, we
heard the other day of lady whose lips
were so sweet that she dare not 90 into
the garden for fear of the bees.
JIM Misc says that the height of fo-
licity is riding on the outside of down
east stage coach, between two pretty girls,
and having but one cud Of spruce gum
for the three.
AN Englishman, who exhibited an in
ordinate fondness for rare beef, died the
other day in attempting to swallow a
cow-catcher which was attached to To-
comotiyo.
81 WISH l could have seen your great
feat" said lady to gentleman who had
met with hazardous adventure in Afri-
ca. "There they are, madam said he,
pointing TO his pedal extremities.
WHAT are wages hereY' asked n Ia
borer of boy. al don't know, sir
" What does your father get on Saturday
nightT Why he gets as tight as u
brick"
The following note was lately received
by gentleman from his oycrseer:-
"Please send me, by the boy, a pair of
trace chains, and two door hinges. Jane
had twins last night-also two padIocks.
Yours, &c"
SMITH, the other day, while looking at
the skeleton Of donkey, and wondering
and admiring the structure of that des-
pissed animal, made very muladrou
quotation. "Ah," said he, ,oe are fear
fully and wonderfully made"
LAWYER W., while entering his cold
bed in cold winter night, exclaimed,
OF all the ways Of getting living, the
worst man could follow would be going
about town such nights as this, aud get
ting into bed for FOLKS"
A woULD-BE suicide rushed iranticaly
down to the wharf at New Bedford, a
few days ago, pulled of his clothes, and
was about to take the fatal plunge, when,
on seeing noted negro thief on the dock,
he postponed the suicide for fear his gar
ments would be stolen.
A NEWSPAPER in noticing the presen-
tation of silver cup to contemporary,
says: He needs no cup. He can
drink from any vessel that contains liquor
whether the neck Of a bottle, the
mouth of demijohn, the spile of keg
or the bung hole of barrel"
"SPEAKING Of bathing" snid Mrs.
Partingtou, from behind the steam that
arose from her tea as q veil TO her blush
es, when touching upon so delicate sub
ject, "some can bathe with perfect i'm
purity, in water rs cold af Greenland's
icy mountains and India's coral strands !;
but for my part, prefer TO have the wa
ters little torpid"
SURGEON" What is the matter with
you9 Would be exemp:"
w." Weak back, sir; very weak
back"
S." Weak knees, you mean|
W." Yes, sir, weak knees-very
weak knees, can't march,"
S." Yes, I'll give you n certificate
writes Upon honor, | hereby certify
that the bearer, -, is weak in the
knees, great coward, who shrinks from
defending the country. Hope he will be
put in the front ranks where he cant run
away. -, Surgeon.
W.-(Handing the Surgeon quarter)
=" Thank you, sir. | am entitled to a
certificate. This rebellion, so wicked and
monstrous, must be put down. IL has
done my heart good TO see the energy OF
ID =