The Portland daily press., 1862-11-10
MISCELLANY.
SCHOOL KEEPING IN ILLINOIS.

mOirs will be interested with notes OF winter
In Illinois, which was spent in keeping school.
II was indeed queer occupation for me,
who knew about as much of chemistry and
the rule of three, as an enchanted iackass of
stave in music. But finding an opening,
pitched into it, and put on the professional airs
usually assumed by the peripatetic fiat-heads
of the birch.
Many were the colloquies, preliminary to
the opening. sat behind table, in a small
log cabin; when-iap, rap, rap.
"Come in" Enter a long-nosed female,
shrewishly dressed, followed by her young 'uns
Her ugly features relaxed into smile, OH
presenting her responsibilities, whom she COM
mended to my distinguished consideration, in
speech, thus:
"You see, sir the importance of teaching the
young idea to shoot right, in such dear jewels
as bring you. None of your other scholars
will be as nice and as knowing as these. My
children have superior instinct OF moral econ
omy-they are free from the outlandish awk-
wardness of my neighbours children; and as
they are destined for ahigher sphere of action,
l expect you will instruct them by themselves,
and give them the best seats"
MADAM" replied, "your good sense meets
my devoted appreciation. see " hat you are,
and your children too. You do well to entrust
them TO my instruction. have travelled in
Arabia where every goose believes its own
eggs to be the whitest, and loudly cackles
thereat. 1t shall be my aim TO initiate your
children into the manners, mysteries and Gus
toms of that country, which will enable them
to appear aristocratic and classic, even in that
humble shanty where they were born. Can
You lend me twenty dollars TO buy the HERO
glyphics p
I'll turn You over Dozen"
THAT will do, madam" Exit Now enter
three strapping rosy-lipped damses, at the first
sight of whom, my inherent bashlulness caus-
ed me to blush to the eyes.
'Are you the schoolmaster"
Il expect to be, may it please you, ladies'
take seats"
"What can you teach 2"
ooh, almost anything Trigonometry, phi
lologv, martyrology solloquy, birch hero
glyphics, and all other abstruse branches of
knowledge"
ave will attend, sir, with view of finishing
our education this winter, in anticipation of
becoming teachers ourselves. You seem TO
know OF more new things than any other
schoolmaster we ever heard Of Can't you
visit us?"
ayes, yes, yes! At your service, ladies.
Your appreciative faculties attract my admit
ration. As my friend Hamlet, the Dane, re-
marked, There are more things in heaven
and earth, than are dreamed of in your phil
osophy." Excuse my cordially, and consider
me not only as teacher, but as FRIEND"
ayes sir" said the Oldest
"Yes sir" spoke the second.
"Yes sr-EE !" exclaimed the third, eliciting
disdainlul glances from the other two.
From that day forward, was the monitor.
oracle, and grand lama of the district
To be sure my method ofteaching was rather
out of the usual course; chatted with the
girls, frowned upon the boys, lodged their
hard questions as best | could, always contrast
ing our national characteristics with those of
the Chinese and Turks, aud consuming the
time with varities of other entertainment Is.
The scholars were the most promiscuous
collection of brother and sisterhood that you
ever saw, l know. One was all old coon killer,
OF as years! who came, as he said, ito learn
to make figures and accounts" He could
neither read nor write, and was, just the ticket
for me. had one pupil who determined to
study Greek and Hebrew, preparatory to
collegiate course. 1t was rich to hear him re-
cite, and my lectures on the beauties of the
Hebrew especially. Many time my sides vi
brated with commissions. / advised him to
yell at the top of his voice, which he did in
way that made the crows anxious.
Ny discipline was unsystematc and kind, al
first. supposed that by coaxing and indifier-
ence could make all love and respect me.
This was mistake. Every son and daughter
of them, ungrateful as death, began to disre-
gard and mock at my wishes. Daily they be-
came more bold, ands played the most excru-
ciating tricks. One bouncing lass secretly
clipped my suspenders with her scissors, and
while attentively walking to and fro, Judge OF
my astonshment and modification on dscov-
ering the result. made pithy speech on the
occasion, and at the conclusion of it, my He
brew pupil threw dictionary at my head.
This changed my method of instruction. Be-
ing the possessor of Herculean strength, when
reused to anger, sprung upon him like IT,
ger 1t was a rude battle, but conquered and
exterminated him from that hall of knowledge.
After this time trusted more TO the agency
of birch, than words of adinonition, and got
along better. Ny advice to the whole school
teaching fraternity, is, never to invent II system
Of discipline by any other method. The larger
the girls are, the more they need whipping; for
II is a well attested fact, that these angels in
childhood grow uglier than Jezebel when they
get past the age of twelve. If ever / try
school keeping in future, the most vigorous
severity shall be made manifestin the discipline
OF all rosy faced, grown up girls. My wisdom
has been drawn from sad and trying exper-
fence. They not only are capable of breaking
ones heart but his good name also.