The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1862-05-20
From the vsnity Fair.
Artemus Ward I'm Washington.
WAsHINaroN April OF
WASHINGTON, April 81.

l. WARRINGTON, April ~.
My wife stood before the lookin' glass,
;; fussn' up her hair.
"What you doin', BetsyY" I inquired.
: "Doin' up my back barr che replied.
|. "Betsy," ssd l, with stern air, "Betsy
you're too old to think about such frvoliIies a
back hair"
"Too odi too oldf' she screamed, "to,
. old, you Bald beded idiot! You haint 90
hair enuff onto your bed to make q decent wiz
for a single brested grssshopperp
: The Rebook was severe, but meriied.-
HeDs4th shall let my wife's back hair alone
You beard me
My little dawter is grewin' quite rapid, and
begias TO scrootinize clothin' with young men
inside Of it. PUTTY clost. | obsarve, too, that
she twists pieces Of paper round her hair a,
nights, AMI won't let mo put my arms 70 nd
her any more for fear III muss her. "Your
mother wasn't 'fraid I'd muss her when she
was your age, my child" sed ono day, with
asly twinkle into my dark bay eye.
NO. replied the little daw,er. "she prob.
You niu't goin' to fool female Young
America much. You may gamble on that. .
But all this, which happened in Baldinsville
week ago, haint nothin' to do with Wash.
ingion, from whittier now write you, hopin'
the items hereby send will be exceptabe TO
the Gin. Cocktail Of America-I mean the
Punch thereof A mild wittkism.-A. WI
VAST iDgton, ID. c., is the Capital of "our
once happy coun ry'-if l may be allowed to
koin fiase! The d. G. stands for Desprit
CasScs. a numerosity which abounds here, the
most OF whom persess Romantic pashuu for
gratooitous dri2ks. And in this conjunction
will relate incident / notist for several
days large Heare staIdiG' in front of the
priacpal tavern on Pepusylvany Avenoo.--
"Can you tell me, my fair Csstiiau," sed l,
US morpin'y to young Spaniard from Tip
pera,y, who WAC blackin' boots in the wash
Ioom-"ca,' you tell me what thoss,i earse
!. kept s,an1lu' out there sorT
well, you .,e cur Bar bisness 10 great
You've no dee Of t5e lumber OF people who
drink at our Bar durin' day. You see those
Hearse is necessary l saw.
Siandin in front of the tsrerns on Peeu-
syvany Avenoo is lot Of miserbGl Tretches
black, white aud ring strckid and freckled !
with long whips in their bands, who frowDs
upon you like the wulture upon the turtle
dove the mint you dismerge from the hotel.
They own yonder four. wheeled startln' curi.
osty's, which were used years and years ago |
by the fust settlers of Virginy to carry live
hogs to market in. The best carriage | saw
in the entire collection was used by Pocky. |
bontss, sum two hundred years ago as a goat.
pen. Becumin' 30 used up that it couldn't .
hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it
up at auction. Subsekently it WAS used as
hospital for sick calves, then rs a hencoop,
and fually it was put on wheels and is now
doin' doory rs = hack.
| called on Secretary Wellcs, of the Navy. .
You know ho Is quite mariner himself, hay.
IN once owned - Raft OF logs on the Connec
thycut river. So put on saler stle and hol I
Tered: "Aboy, sbipmet! Tip US yer crap.
plin ircus!'
"Yes-yes!' be sed, nervousy, "but mercy
on us, don't be SC noisy
"Ay, ay, nv hearty! But let me sing abou,
how Jack Stokes oSt his gsI:'
"The reason why he couldn't gain her
Was becoz he's drunken saler,"
That's very good indeed" said the Seek
cy, "but this is hardly the place to sing songs
IL, my frend.
LET me write the songs OF nashun, sed
|, "aud | don't care a cuss who goes to the
legislator! But | AK your pardon-how's
tbIngs:'
Comfortable, thank you. | have here
he added, "a copy Of the Middlotown Week
u CLARION of February the 18th, containing
a report that there isn't much Union seu,i
meut in South CarolIny but hardly credit it,"
"Air you well, Mr.. Seckey," sed l. as
your liver all right! How'a your koff"
"God bless me % .ed tho Secky, risin haotilv
and glaru' wildly at me, what do you mean I /
80 nothin' parlicyIer. Only it is one of
the beauties OF n Republican form Of govern.
meut that a Ca5nit oftisser can pack up bis
trunk and go bome whenever hos sick. Sure
nothiu' don't all your liver" sed |, pokin' him
pu tiy Wien, in the stummick.
called on Abe. He received me kindly !
have check for it il bo pleased. That" sed |
he, puts lie in mind of a little story: There
was man out in our parts who was so mean
that he took his wife's coffin out Of the back
wipder for fear he would rub ths pain, off the
doorway.
Wall, about this time there was a man in
n adjacent town who had a green cotton um
brelcr."
"Did it tit bin well Vas il custom made
Was be measured for itr
Measured for whatp sed Abe.
"The umbreller"
"Never mind, Your Excellency, called to
congratulate YOU on your career, which has
been q honest and good o1e-unscsred and
uumoved by Secesh in front of you snd Ab-
bolsh at the back Of you-escb ore Of which
Is little wuss than the other il possibIel
Tell K. Stanton tbs: bis boldness, honesty
and vigger merits all prasc, but to keep bis
under garmints on K. Stanton has apparently |
only one weakness, which it is, he cant sllrs
keep bis under garnints from fyin' up over
bis he'd. mean he occasionally dances in
peck measure, and he don't look graceful at it,"
took my departer. "Good bye, old sweet
nj. y sed Abe, ,hskiu' me cordyuly ty the
hand.
"Adoo, my Prabsyrio fower!" / replied,
and made my exit. twenty-five thousand
dollars year aud found, soIiloquized, ms |
walked down the street, is putty good wages
for map with modst sppyti,e, but reck.
on il is wurth it to run the White House.
"What you bowt, sahi What tho debil