, 1862-05-26

r. Phtalas sim.nons and --ths Army
Mr. DEAR TRIBUNE There. .rc ma = Incl |
dtnts connected with my recent trip to Chi
cago per rai1, TINT are em!neat1E worth nar-
rating, and MoT Of no better medium ]
through which to transmit them to the public |
than POUR truly circu1sted and widely |
valuable paper. I didn't christen myself !
r. Phid1as Simmons, not by ten gallon jug |
full. have strlyen for fourteen years to rid !
my illustzioue name Of the ridicule attached |
to it On account Of Its popularity. Fron1 the ]
lime Rhen I WIS knee high to boy half my |
E'4eEups to the: present writing, have been
oudageouely abused. When was Juvenile
(would we're boy ,again). my schoolfel1ows
could think Of nothing worse to bestoW upon
me than the elegant eoubrlquet "Persim-
mcns." bore up under that insult magnan-
imouEly, might say heroica1ly, or anything |
.e1fc equally hJghtalutin. But when I arrived |
1Hfhe age Of the better part Of va1or, I found |
myself assailcd on all sides by those whom |
lad known from infancy, with such disgust |
ing epithets as "Oh Persim11one, Per6d- |
tons Simmons and similaE delicate appella-
presented me with fu1lgrown boy-that Is, !!
n,ea,,. very large little boy-and when |
bccame conyinced that said little boz WIS
po5,4 rejoiced and was exceeding glad, and In
th sr91sraPsS S Ps;Ss1 ga joyd had him chris a
fcnd1y hoped, by attaching the honorably &C.
auiEed "Er." to my name, to become venera-
hIe and respected, and thereby escape the
odirm Of nicknames. Imagine my horror
vhcu, a few days since, received letter ad-
An& rnaraS
Ireso1yed to enigrate. Packed up my duds,
spsre lib and juvenile> aud prepared to carry
out nv resolution Where should 90 ? The
compass Of my mind pointed Chicagoward,
and Chicagoward came. hastened to the
rail1oad and bought ticket Come to think,
1 bought two tickets. tNote-It costs mar.
rica man twice as much 70 travel as It does q
single man, per rai1.] The road agreed to CEN
vey ny junior free of charge, provided be ren-
dezvonsed in his mother's arms. Obi thatI
aims would not be under somebody elsc's
thnmb.
On board the train was good-looking, So
ciable sort Of fellow, by the name Of Conduc-
tor. Be WIS exceedingly courteous and held
out Ills digits to every one on board. I thought
the passengers treated him with too much
GOODNESS. When he came to me grasped his
band ferrently.
"Ms very dear friend,'' said I, "thoughI
lsvc not the honor Of your acquaintance, L
:" FHfE ELF, interrupted AlT. ".
"Yes it is q little, replied, "but not as
much IS il Was last yeaE." was confused.
.'Havc you got a futlough:'' he enquired-
VAS coniusedcr.
"No Sit, I hayen't,' finally replied, 'but
my vile has. Wife, show this man your fur
Tough. He is NJ ju,s3ior, + sir: The road agreed
81 said nothing about baby. Have you
got leave of absencc9 Don't ron belong to
The army: What is your rank, Colonel, Cap
taio, or Lientenants In the service Of the
Government? Got q titlesn
"Mr. Conductor viii you be kind enough
to put those questions in writing and allow
me few days to prepare my dcfenses''
"By Jupiter! drunk or deaf, or I'm Lar.
Very loud, "Are you an officer in the army 81
stared at him fxedly for about the space
OF a fash Of lightning, and then, in tone OF
thunder, IS near as possible, replied: "Not
IS far as heard from"
"Then angels and ministers Of grace defend
rs ssid he "Ha1e yoa bought your ticket:
esd Marf 81 Scz zSo SoaFf1o geuI mons
be, and he absquatulated.
1pocketed the sweet fourteen in state o
mental bewilderment, but it didn't hurt M
much. I shall recover.
and gold, Hopping himself down On the mex
STAT IN front OF me. IT reckon'' tWher
tor "Chicago." "Ah. f1ue city that 4
am told it is. Tremendous grain market
Great emporium for wild oats.h $50 it is
e. e:u it is! a What !, might % you%F % name be-?
Pilate, Beau1eggard. But to the best Of m
recollection, its something else" 1T prt
eume it Is, ba! hal That's too good, I d,
clare! Myqame is Captain Jack Cass, BOT
cavalry. II am told there are . great man
Jack CRsses in The cavalry. In fact, they So
the whole army is teeming with Jack Cssses.
HYou fatter mel tsNot ct all. II We
not Simmons would be Jack Cass.''
At tl1s juncture. Mr. Conductor returned az
slipped into my hand piece Of paper.
Rad as follows:
This Is to certify that the bcare. Is the only i
dj>idua1 who has Travelled over this road in Il
last twelve months without claiming q militia
tile r. GREEN, Conductor.
The Train stopped to feed at way static
and eighteen ucn in blue and gold came
boa1d. They were terribly mutilated, and
fell agita' ed On account of my wife, she b3il
somewhat nervous at times. These eighte,
nen had seen service They had done 6loot
work. One Of them had been in severe e
gagcnent and had lock of hair slot from /
head. He Was going home on eight mont
1eaTe- Another had painful corn which t
surgeon had pronounced dangerous. J
was out On SIXTY days 1eaye- Tie ethers We
Similarly Scared and afflicted. It Was a hea
piercing tlgh indeed
What do you think OF this war ?'' ss
Captain J. Cass. It's big war" mutt
cd "1t is, hut we'll crush it. With su
&SsilaNHr Sucn stlt-haCflnClbSS patfl0IiSm
you behold among these men, liberty nit
Triumph "Whar do you think of Mr. L
ecln?'' "4uld lang Abe, ah, he's the nobl
Rc10an of the maui" You jest.'' IN
uucl.'
3ir- Conductor said ttChicago'' as the tr
Came to halt. There was general stampe,
Ny wife became cntanglcd in military SCI
1 was several hours e1t1icating her. 4
priciols sword came near putting out an
fo. the junior swore an oath (almost} ;
my other half screamed.
As We emerged from the car, Captain J. c
tald: "Great city for amnsements. Youm
take your family to see the Lion Of St. III
this evening" II should be proud to do 8
] said, " but Mrs. Simmons is in such a st
OF health that lear it would not be pruden
present to take her to q u1euagerie."
Captain ]. Cass'6 cont t4il flu,tered In
hre.ze aud be disappeared in the multitu
He Was played out.
SUI, dear Tribune,
For ever thine,
P pHfD1As STdHnvs II