Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1862-07-02
Artemus Ward IN Washington.


WASHINGTON, April 18th.
Ny wife stood befoar the lookin' glass.
q fussin up her hair.
What you dom Betsy p" | inquired.
"Doin' up my back hair" she replied.
Betsy" said |, with a stern air, " Bet
~, you're too old to think about such
frivolty's as back hair"
"Too old too oZdI" she skreamed: too
old, you bald heded idyotl-you hain't
got hare enuff onto your he'd to make a de-
cent wig for a single brested grass hopper
The rebook was severe, but merited.-
Hens4th l shall let my wife's back hair
alone. You herd me!
Ny little dawter is CROWN quite rapid,
and begins to scrootinize clothing with
young men inside of it, purity close. l
obsarye, tn, that she twists pieces of pa
per round her hare at nights, and won't
let me put my arms round her any more
for fear Fn muss her. Your mother
wasn't afraid I'd muss her when she was
your age, my child" sed I one day, with
. slight twinkle into my dark bay eye.
NO" replied my little dawter, she
probably liked it."
You amt goin to fool femail Young
America much. You may gamble on that.
But all this which happened at Baldins-
vile a week a go, haint nothin' to do with
Washington, from whittier / now write
you, hopin' the items l hereby sends will
be acceptable to the Gin-Cock tail of
America mean the Ptach thereof. "A
mild wittiAism.-A. W.
Washington, d. c., is the capital of -FOUR
ono happy kountry'-If l may be aloud
to knoin a frasel The D. c., stands for
despritcusses, anumerosity which abounds
here, the most of whom persess a roman
tic pashun for gratooitous drinks. And
In this conjunction ! will relait an incl
dent. notist for several days. a large
hearSe standin' in front of the principal
tayurn ON Pennsylvany Avenoo. "Can
you tell me, my fare Castilian," sed /, this
mornin', to a young Spanyard from Tip
perary, who was blackin' boots in the
wash-room, "can you tell me what those
hearse is kept standin' out there fort"
Well, you see our bar bisness Is crate.
You've no idee of the number of people
who drink at our bar durin' a day. You
see those hearse is necessary"
/ saw.
.Standin' infront of the taverns on Penn
sylvania Avenoo is a lot of miserbul retches
black, white and ring stricked and frek-
led-with long whips in their hands, who
frouns upon you like the yoltures upon
the tortle-dove the minute you dismerge
from the hotel. They Owl yonder four
wheeled startin curiositys, which were
used years and years ago by the fust set
lers of Virginny to carry live hogs to mar
ket in. The best carriage 1 saw in the
entire collection was used by Pockyhon-
tas, sum two hundred years ago, as a goat
Da Dao.,nan afn1 On mead ~ 4Iar -
couldn't hold goats, that fare and gentle
savage put it up at auction. Subsekently
it was used as a hospital for sick calves,
then as a ~hen-coop, and finally it was
put on wheels, and is now dom dooty as
ahack.
/ called on Secretary Welles, of the
Navy. You know he is quite a mariner
himself, havin' once owned a raft of logs
saler stile and hollered4. Alloy, shipmet!
Tip US yer gaappling irons ]"
Yes-yes! J" he sed n~ervously "but
mercy On us, don't beso NOISY"
"Ay, ay, my hearty But let me sing
about Jack Stokes lost his GAL
THE reason why he eouldnt gain her
Was becOz he's a drunken sailerF"
q That's very good, indeed" said the
Secky but this is hardly the place to
sing songs in, my frend."
Let me write the songs of a nashun,"
sed |, =" and l don't kair a kuss who goes
TO the legislator! But l ak yer pardon
howse things ?"
Comfortable, thank you, / have here"
he added, a copy of the Middletown
Weekly Clarion, of February the Is, con-
tainin a report that there isn't much
Union sentiment in South Caroliny, but
/ hardly credit"
Air you well, Mr.. Secky ?" sez 1, as
your liver alright? How's your koif?"
"God bless me % sed Secky, risin hast
lily and glaring wildly at me, what do
you mean ?"
Oh, nothin' particular. Only its one
OF the beauties of a republican form of
government that a cabini. offiser can pack
up his trunk and go home whenever he's
sick. Sure nothin' don't all your liver ?"
sedI !, pokin' him purity vilent in the STUN
mick.
/ called on Abe. He received me kind
ly. 1 handed him my umbieller, and
told him I'd have a check for it if he
pleased. THAT" sed he, puts me in
mind of a little story. There was a man
out in our parts, who was so mean that
he took his wife's coffin out of the back
winder, for fear he would rub the paint
off the door way. Wall, about this time
there was a man in a a~jacent town who
had q green cotton umbreller."
Did it fit him well? Was it custom
Was he measured for it?"
Measured for what ?" sed Abe.
1.-THE umbreller,"
"Wall, as l was savin." continnered
he President, treatin' the interrupshun
18th apparent contempt, this man sed
I'D knowd that there umbreller ever
nee it was a parasol. Ha, ha, ha!"
Yes" sed /, larhn in a respectful man
or, "but what has this man with the UNI
Keller to do with the man who took his
.fe's coffin out of the back winder ?"
40 be sure" said Abe" what was it?
laust have got two good stories mixed I
'gether, which puts me in mind of an ]
her lit" !
Never mind, Your Exeellency ; l call :
TO congratoolate you on your career, :
hich has been a honest and a good one |
-uscared and uumoved by Secesh in t
ont of you and Abolish at the back of t
ou-each one of which is a little wuss i
ian the other if POSSIBLE" r
Tell z. Stanton that his boldnes, homes a
y andvigger merits all prase, but to keep $
lis under garmints on. +. Stanton has .
.ppeerently one weakness, which it is, he :
ant allus keep his under garmints from .
YIN up his he'd. l mean that he occas-
'Dnally dances in a peck measure, and he C
mt look graceful at it."
/ took my departur. GOOD buy. old
yeetness % sed Abe, shakin' me corgully
' the hand. 4,
"Adoo, my prahayry -four" 1 replied q