Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1862-05-21
Artemus Outdone.

Artemus Outdone.
The following bit of humor is said t
have been delivered in the Missouri Legis
lature, by Gen. Riley:
Mr.. SPEAKER body is pitchin,
into this matter like toad frogs into a vii
low swamp on a lovely evening in balml
June, when the mellow light of the full
moon fills with a delicious food the thin
ethreal atmospheric air. Sir, l want t.
put in a word, or perhaps a word and
half.
There seems to be a disposition to fight
/ say, if there is any fighting to be done,
come on with your cOrn-cobs and LIGHTNING
bugsl (Applause-) In the language Of
the Ancient Roman,
Come one. Come ALL This rock shall fly
From its firm base-in a pigs exc.
Now, there has been a great deal of bom-
bast here to-day. l call it bombast, from
Alpha to Omega-though 1 don't under
stand the meaning of the words. Sir, the
question is a great and magnificent ques-
ton. Il Is the all-absorbing question
like a sponge, sir-a large unreasonable
sponge-it sucks up everything. Sir, l
stand here to defend the right to St. Louis
county, the right of any other county, even
the county Of Cedar itself. Sir, the debate
has assumed a latitudinosity. We have
had a little blackjack buncombe, a little
two-bit buncombe, bombast buncOmbe, and
the ID knows what other kind Of bum
combe. (Laughter.)
Why, sir, just give ONE of EN- a little
Southern soap and a little Northern water,
and quicker than a hound pup can lick a
skillet, they will make enough buncombe
lather to wash the golden flock that rsams
the azure meads. CHEERS and ~laughter.)
I allude to the starry armament.
Speaker-The gentleman is out of order.
He must cOnfne himself TO the question.
Mr.. Riley-Just retain your linen, if
you please. I'll stick to the text as close
as a pig to a hot jam rock. you'll do.)
1 want to say to those carbOniferous gen.
tlemen, these decorating demonstrators,
these ~pereginOus volcanoes, come on with
your combustiblesl Perhaps you think |
am diminutive tubers and spare in the
mundane elevation. You may discover,
gentlemen, you are labOring under as great
q misapprehension as though you had in.
cerated your inner vestmen In the Ian
guage of the noble bard,
81 was not born in q thieket,
To be scared by a cricket"
Sir, We have lost our proper position
Our proper position is to the zenith and
marid-our heads to the one. our heels to
the other, at right angles with the horizon,
spanned by that azure arc of the ~lustrous
armament, bright with the corruscations of
the innumerable consultations, and proud
as q speckled stud-horse on county court
day. (Cheers.)
But how have the mighty fallenl" in
the language of the poet Silversmith. We
have lost our proper position. We have
assumed q sloshindicular or a diagonalogi-
cal position. And what is the cause?"-
Echo answers e'Buncombe." sir, buncombe.
The people have been fed on buncombe,
while a lot Of spawned, ring-boned, ham,
strung. wind-galled, swyneyed, d~istemper-
ed, pot-bellied politicians have had their
noses in the public crib. until there amt
fodder enough left to make cruel for a sick
grassbopper.
Sir, these hungry brats keep Juggling at
the public pap. They say, "let down your
milk, Sukey, or you'll have a split bag"
Do you think they can stuff such buncombe
down our craW? No, sir, you might as
well try to stuff butter. in a wild cat with
8 hot awl. The thing can't be did. |
The public grind stone is a-great insti-
tuition, sir-yes, sir, a great institution {
One of the greatest. perhaps, that ever rose, t
reigned, or fell. But, sir, there Is too much
private cutlery ground. Occasionally a big :
axe is brought to be fixed up, ostensibly I
for the purpose of hewiDg down the gnarl-
ed trunks of error, and clearing out the 7
brushWood of ignorance and folly. that OBJ 9
struct the public highway of progress. The
machine whirls-the axe is applied. Look !
ers-on are enchanted with the brilliant S
sparks ELECTED. The tool is polished, and a
while the public stare in gaping expectan S
cyof seeing the road cleared, the implement i
is slyly taken off to improve the private n
acres of some faithful friend of the peo- b
pie" What is the result? The obstruc- v
lions remain unremoved. People curse, be- i,
cause the car lags; OF, if it does move, tbs Il
at the expense of a broken wheel and jaded s.
and sore backed team. tell you the thing il
wont pay. The time Will come when the el
nasal promontories of these disinterested Of
grinders will be Iut to the stone, instead
Of their hardware. applause L am d
afraid the machine is going to stop. Ia
The grease is giving ont laundering fast il
Gentlemen, 1t Is my private opinion, conf o.
1~entially expressed, that the '.grit is pref Il
b near worn off" A,
Mr.. Speaker, you must excuse me for 70
ny latitudinosity and circumlocutoriness. u
Ny old blunderbuss ~scatters amazingly, m
but if anybody gets peppered, it amt my d
fault if they are in the way. ii,
Sir, these dandadical, s~upor.on;st;cal in
nahogany-faccd gcntry-what do thew know ca
bout the blessings Of freedoms? A6out as Il
much, sir, as a toad-frog does of hish glo- q
Y. Do they think they can escape me?- Al
IN follow them through pandemonium and nj
high water. lCheers and laughter) CT
These are the ones that have got our IL to
pole cut off its perpendicularity = as
It's they who would rend the stars and W
that noble flag. the blood of our L
evolutionary fathers emblemed in its red or
he purity of the cause for which they died Pl
by THE white; the blue the freedom cl
hey attained, like the azure air that wraps in
native bills and fingers On their love or
: plains. (Applause) CO..
MIR. Speaker, allow me to subside for wi
IA Hroannk 1