Smyrna times., 1862-09-25
Letter from Artemus Ward.
WAsHlNGToN, ORGUsr.

sarve that air still i'll Washington.
So air Old Abe.
Change has been skarcc here that you coodnt
ses emmy in the thermometer for long period Of
ov tme-wich air all owin to the evil mashinations
OF the Black Repubs. and Abilshcncrs. But things
air looking up now, scncc a Democratic constable
was lately 'lected to otis in Podunk county.
" This war will never hav stop put to its period.
sed Brcckinridge cuss to me, till jeff Davis air
put in the Presidonsh Cheer, an our Southern
Brethren invited to fill the ofises now dghonored bv
the Yankee Abolishcners. Wot if the Shivilrv do
Bile the Yankees to make fshn' poos out of their
Boans, that don't mike 'em not our brothers. dost Il
Certainly 1t dostont. An do the CONSTRUCTION saw
Yankees Boans mustn't be Billed! Not ennyr'
My othls-huntn' cuss," ses /, ' your remarks
may bo troo, but l can't see it, Eff they air troo.
y Ward, Jr., brakes those commandment wich sea
Low thy Brother, for l feel like punchn their heds
few"
my fren," scs he. you'll never make a good
Democrack."
"Shoodnr wonder eff l woodn't eff I can't be ons
without loyn them brethren you speak about"
The chap turnd on his Heal, pursooin the evil
tendor of his way, and p,raps wonderin how much
he could make orr ov the Govment eff he was pinted
a army contractor.
spose you hav herd that Little Mack has changd
his base Of oporashuns arskt a High Privit whv
George done those thing.
" Beeaws," says he, "there was no more Groun
at the ole place to dig trenches in. Sence the call
for hundred thousan more men, Mack's army ar
fln up rite smartly, SO he had to move some place
WlaP he coOd commons anna IN d;,ebo, -. L.
soon have enuf men to take Richmon.',
"That" scS |, wood hev been bad-for tho
Rebs."
"TrOo! An now I'll tell you Georges plan
you won't blab I"
"None-so help me Ole Abem
Them was tho promise l maid, an you see I'm
Aeepin it.
WAL" the High Priyit, Little Macks a.
Abilishener."
My onigmatikle Brave" sed I, I, won't say you
tell whoPpcr, but you look muchly like me when
aslll
Let me eggspain," seys he. and let him
These is Georges plan. He's gOia' to eontinoo ON
hn an d!ggin till all the whites are killed Off m
both sides. In some ftes more Rsbs. gifts killed
than our boys, then George puts us at work in the
trenches to make the thing even. So. when the
IIst traitor has gone under, tho lsrst Yankee will
hev collapGt"
HoW's those bein' Abilishensr7 Z" I arskt
""hy, don't you see-the persecooted Blacks will
then hev the country to themselves with no marsters
to scorge 'em."
II see it now," ses L; but wouldn't it anser to
arm the Darks ,"
" Not much," ses he---"you Good never surprise
the enermy with en-"
How so?"
laws the Rebs. wood smell 'em a COMM"
"Praps So" ses |; "but spose the smell wood be
strong enutf to knock the Shiviry down.woodn't it
be easy to cuptoor EN- then 2"
II never thort Ov that" ses the Privit. "I'n 90
at onst an propose it to Mack"
An orf he coed. -
Me an Ole Abe are big chums. Orftenlv he nav.
me visit, N vice The other day arskt
hlm eft he had herd the Prayer ov 90 Billyuns. as
me govil ole fren Greedy Horace rites.
"Sone," sed the Ralesptter
Wal, wot air you gon to do about it7
Do just as plcese about it,"
thort this was putty kurt anser, but /, parst
it by, & sed:
"Ef you shoOd come to the conclooshun to eman-
sipate the cullerd race, woodnt you bust the Con-
stItoOshun wich fathers dide, fit an blcd fer ?"
"SPeekn the Constitooshun," scs A. L., IRE.
Minis me ov---"
"A little story" interrupted, fer knowd what
what was comm"
"Zacktly---wich is this: conservativ chan
onst Jincd company Hum Cards, & one dav tho
Captain drillin 'em on the banks ov tho river
Fall in cried the ofisor, the conscrvatiy euss
fell in---tho river. Immejstly a black Contraban
Pitcht in , the briny slcfcnt. as one ov me terarv
rens calls it, and cOcht him by the cuff ov the pants
& halld him ashore. AFTER the water was pu,nnt
out oV the chap an he larnd who his rescoorer was
he scd: My ebcTny Afrikin, you hav savd ne lf
but yOu haV snasht the Consiitooshun badly. This
is white mans war. an you have no rites a white
man boun to rOspeek, tharfor don't respeck vour
rite to savcEio" The chap then shot the controb,n
throo the he'd. & agin jumPt into the ragin BilIers
an sunk to rise no more"
"Hunky boy" cride !. He thort mora ov A..
sactred dockiment than he did ov his wutbless Ee,
an | pray from thc bottom the Soul ov me Rr,..
that some moro OF his sort may foer soot"
:" lie was just like all other Conservative,
the Pres. "Thoy wood eev the Country go roo;,,
to presarv the CCntitooshun"
As o. A. g. me thort alike on that Pint d;dn.
stop to argoo the qwestion.
arnt gcin to charg ennything fer this letter g,
me Pockts is stuck full postage stamps nov
stuck SO fast can't get em loos an uo,s ,ho -.
ov gcltin rich, fer dont our skule books .,v =.
ezier fer needle to 20 'hroo rich mans eye than
fer Camelto enter the kingdom oV-outh CarolinerY
Sartingly they docs, or somethin like il.
guess thar has been another stratergetic mow
mint maid, for George B. is nearly in washington
And now.
Fare thee well and If lsvsr
Still ever, fare thee well ~