The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1862-06-04
Fron the Nsw York sundsy Mereuiy.
0RPHEUs g. KERR.
SURGERY IN THE ARxY-rHE COTTON SEMINAR


his bed; the muff1ed tread of the venerable
nurse, as she comes into the room tc make
sure that tho brandy recommended by the
doctor is not too mild for the patient, thu
sepulchral shout Of the regimental cat a.
she recognizes the tread of Lord Mortimer,
the sergcant's bull terrier, outside; all these
that We are but dust, and that to return e.
dust is our destiny. /.
Early in the week, my boy, a member Of
the Pennsylvania Mudlarks was made sici;
in strange manner. A draft OF picked
men from certain regiments were ordered
for pcrilous expedition down the river. -
You may be aware, my boy, that draft In
always dangerous to delicate constitu.
tons, and, as the Mudlark happened I'd
burst into a profuse perspira:ion about the
time he found himself standing in this draft,
he, of course, took such violent cold that
he had to be put to bed directly. went
to see him, my boy; and whilst he Was re.
lating to me some affecting anecdotes of The
time when he used to keep bar, member
of the Medical Staff Of the United States
of America came in to see the patient.
This venerable surgeon first deposited q
large saw, a hatchet, and two pickaxcs OF,
the table, and then, says he:
"How do you find yourself, my boy ?''
The mud.lark took a small chew Of to:
bacco with melancholy air, and says he
II think I've got the guitar in my head,
Mr.. Sawbones, and am about to join the
angel choir"
II see how it is" says the Sturgeon,
thoughtfully, 'you think you've got tho
guitar, when its only the drum of your car,
that's affected. WELL" says the surgeon,
with sudden plcasantness, as he reached af.
ter the saw and one Of the pick-axes II
must amputate your left leg at once:
The mud-lark curled himself up in bed
like wounded anaconda, and says he:
II don't see it in that light"
SWELL" says the surgeon, in a sprightly
manner, "then suppose put fly blister
on your stomick, and only auputate your
right arm"
The surgeon was formerly blacksmith;
hiy boy, and got his diploma ty inventing
some pills with iron in them. He proved
that the blood Of six healthy men contained
enough iron to make six horse shoes, and
then invented the pills to cure hoarseness
The sick chap reflected on what his mcds
ical adviser said, and then says he:
"Your words convince me that my siti-
alton must be most dangerous. I must
see some relative before permit myself to-
be dissected."
"Whom would you wish to send for ?"
says the surgeon.
"My grandmother, my dear old grand.
MOTHER says the mud lark with much feel
ing:
The surgeon took Inc cautiously aside,
and says he:
any poor patient has cold in his head
and his life depends, perhaps, on the graft:
fication of his wishes. You have heard him
ask for his grandmother" says the surgeon
softly, "and as his grandmother lives too
far away to be sent for, We must practice d
little harmless deception. We must send
for Secretary Welles of the Navy Depart
ment, and introduce him as the grandmoth-
er. My patient will never know the diff
ference"
l took the hint, my boy, and went after
the Secretary, but the latter was SO busy
examining a model Of Noah's ark that he
could not be seen. Happily, however, tho
patient recovered, while the surgeon was
getting his saw filed, and was we'll enough
last night to reconnoitre in force.
The Mackerel Brigade being still IN quar-
ters before Richmond, I am at leisure to
stroll about the Southern Confederacy; my
boy ; and on Thursday, paid a visit to
Cotton Seminary, just beyond Alexandria,
where the Southern intellect is taught to
fructify and expand. This celebrated in.
stitution Of canning is on one floor with a
large chimney and a heavy mortgage upon
it, and number Of windows supplied with
n 81.
Upon entering this majestic edi6ce, the
master, Prex Payton, descended at once
from the barrel on which he was seated,
and gave me true Virginia welcome.
Though you may be Lincoln horde"
says he, in a manorial manner, 1.-The repubs
lie of intellect recognizes you only as
man. The Southern mind knows how to
recognize soul, apart from it's outer cir.
cumstances; for what say the logicians -
Deus est anima brutorsm Take seat or
yonder barrel, friend Hessian, and you shall
hear the wisdom Of youthful minds. First
class in computation stand upH'
AS took seat, my boy, the first class
in computation came to the front and it
is my private impression, my boy-my
private impression-that each child's father
was the owner Of rag plantation at some
period of his life.
Boys" says the master, chow is the ta-
BILE Of Confederate money divided ?'
"Into pounds, shillings, and pence"
Right. Now, Master Mason, repeat the
table,"
Master Mason who was a germ of first
family, took his fingers out of his mouth,
and says he:
Twenty pounds of Confederate bonds
make one shilling, twenty shillings make
one penny, six pennies one drink"
That's right, my pretty little chcrubs."
says the master. "Now 60 and take your
seats, and study your bowie knife exercis-
es. Class in geography, stand up"
The class in geography consisted of one
small Southern Confederacy, my boy, with
taste for tobacco.
''Mastcr Wise," says the master conf.
IDENTIFY, 'can you tell us where Africa is -
"Africa is situated at the corner Of
Spruce and Nassau streets, and Is bounded
on the north by Greeley, on the south by
Slavery, on the east by Sumner, and on the
west by Lovejoy."
"very true" my bright little fellow"
says the master; "now go back to your
chawing."
"You see, friend Hcssian," says the mas.
ter, turning to me, 'how much superior
Southerners are, even as children, to the
Yankees. In my teaching expe-
riencc, have known scholars only six years
old to play poker like old members Of the
church, and pupil Of min, euchercd me
once in ten minutes"
thanked him for his courtesy, and was
proceeding to the door, when l observed
four boys in one corner with their mouths
so distorted that they seemed to have sub.
sisted upon diet Of persimmons all their
lives.
Venerable pundit," says l, in astonish.
so deformed -