The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1862-10-17
The Snowman at Home.
BY ARTEMUS WARD
From Vanity Fair,


We hear very much, too much, about
great plans of battle The only plan of
battle should be-to lick: 'em.
Onless there's different management
right off, the American eagle will have to
disguise hisself as Shanghai rooster and
make tracks for Canady: while the God
dess of Liberty will have to go out dom
| gin'ral Homework at two dollars week
AS for Pope, | can only say that like
| his poetry good deal better than do his
| gin 'rlship.
a hansum young gal in our town was
sot up with one night by noble young
specimen of the true American, with scis-
sors in his vest pocket mean Il dry
goods clerk-and the young gals mother,
hearin sothin pop, arose from her couch
under impression that her Oldest boy, who
was given to frskyness, was hOldin' wild
revel on the root beer in the west ROOM
But on Openin' the door she diskivered it
was huggin' and kissin' which had awaken
her from her peaceful repose. ''My daugh
ter, ., my daughter !" this fond parrink
did cry, ''oh that should live to see this
doins in my own housen!'
81 know, dear mother" this sweet vii
ply, that it is quite improper, bit its or
FIJI S0othin'!''
So the subscriber isn't quite sure that
it's right to speak so freely as this about
public affairs, but it kinder soOthes him to
do it.
It's now the sweet, sad season of the
year, gentle Ortum. My little daughter is
singing an entirely new song called,
"Listen to the Mockin Bird" Cues you
haint got it in New York yet. She's been
| a singing it to me about all the time, day
and night. for the past four weeks. l
think I'm gOin' to like it. But can't tell
until it has become somewhat familiar to
me. Yes, this is Ortum! And is it not
sad to think that the leaves, now so beau
tiful and green, will soon wither and fade?
Is it not? I'll bet it's
My family and and several nabers sot
round the fire Qor it's coolish up here) the
other night There was the Schoolmaster,
the two Miss Balkinses, the editor of the
Bugle-Iforn Of Liberty, Mis-. Sary Pease-
ley, and a few others.
AS | observed, we all sOt there before
the fire; and presently we was jined by
my full and efficient orchestry, Her Yaw-
cub Won SkimmerhOrn. He plays the
hand origin in my show, and to my mind
there's no sweeter music than flows from
an origin, althO' do not myself grind |
remember compOsin' a dirge on my step
cousins death, with chorus, which sung
with marked effect, accompanied by the
origin.
My orchestry is gigantic German, and
can lick yard full of wildcats before
breakfast without ever sweating hair.
He'll bear lettin' alone about as well as any
man ever saw. So l told him if he heard
anybody smaller than he was talkin' secesh,
to gently toss him into the lake, and then
pull him out. He said he'd do it, and l
kinder reckoned he would.
"Where has my Yawcub been?" | said.
Dutchman, what of the night?"
He's been sousin secessiOnists in the lake.
'That's quite right,"I said. "DOnt
let the horses drink there for day or two.
Your conduct, Yawcub, pleases me. So
you put the vile seccssiOnists into the
drink, did you, Yawcub," and l larfed at
the idee.
"Yaw," he said, 81 butts dem all in.
Dey schqueal tike ter tam!"
The door here opened, and Mr.. Skim
pins, the village lawyer, entered.
GLOW are you, Skimpins ?'' said, risin'
to greet him.
He was picter to behold His hat was
off, his hair looked like parcel of drown
did rats, and his garments was sOakin' wet.
''Why, bless me, Skimpins, I'm afeard
you're Wet"
''Oh You are, are you ?" he replied
''well perhaps | am leetle moist. Your
nut,b Goc i'm,
into the lake pretty lively this evenin He
said it was your orders to duck all secesh-
ers F; and on my tellin him was a Union
man, he said that wouldn't save me onless
/ took the oath Of allegiance in Dutch -
''Ele has a fine appreciation of American
humOr - said the editor of the Bugle
you've carried this little too far, my
forrin friend" said |, "and | must super
sede you, altho may give you a mountin
department, you can retire to Gloucester,
Massachusetts. 1t is necessary, said,
ITO put the foot down firmly once in
while. shall adopt new views as fast as
they appear to be true views What | do
about things do about EN-, and what /
don't do, don't do it, not much | don't.
My wife don't, either
"Whats the matter with the old fool ?n
inquired Betsy, layin down her knittin'
work and comm to me-
''The giant intellect wanders!' muir
INJURED the schoolmaster
perhaps" said Mr.. Skimpins, who was
ringin the water out of his coat-tails, "per-
haps it's somethin with sugar in it"
Neither" said |. "My mind is clear.
I'm loocid I'm honest Old Art! And
I'll tell you a little story. When lived
"Ha :" cried the Editor of the Bugle-
"a dispatch dispatch!" and he tore
paper from the telegraph boy, who stood
in the doorway. cts from Washington.
Washington is safe!''
at must be safe," | said. " don't
care whether there's gun in Washington
or not. Let all the men we've been send
ing there for the last year and a half just
lay down on the outskirts of the town, and
it will take the entire rebel army six
months to climb over them! Yes, think
u