Cincinnati daily press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1860-1862, 1862-01-30
Artemus Ward and "The Children In the
WoOdO

10 Fourth street. Mentally we thought
there never was, and having expressed that
opinion to several friends, confidentially,
nave been told we are right. Where right
exists might can be found, and not having
the fear of Mr.. A. Ward, Esq before our
eyes, we publicly state there never was such
lecture, and further, it was no lecture at all,
The speaker, whose name is Charles f.
Browne, sometimes known as Artemus
Ward, an itineTant Snowman, with WAX
hRgers," in appearance is a young man, we
judge, over whose head twenty-seven sum
mers and winters have passed; brown hair
and an auburn mustache, features rather
sharp, constituted, we suppose, by nature
especially for the occasion. His face bears
the expression of genial and sympathetic
inner man. and is rather handsome.
IL was difficult undertaking to keep pace
with the speaker and note the "points', at
the proper time; but we did undertake il
and place before our readers the following
extracts, which, if not correct, we hope Mr..
Ward will look over:
Had my view been tragic one, might
have chosen that other nursery tale, "Blue-
beaId"-the gentleman who had an unpleas-
ant habit of killing his wives and stringine
them up to the ratters Of certain dark and
bloody room in his mansion. Poor crea.
lures! They could not go to Indiana for a
divorce, and so they had to grin and bear it,
But, having taste for the pathetic, | chose
the "Children in the Wood You know
their melancholy history. Looking at it
with professional eye, l can not resist the
thought that it was a fine sensation item for
the daily papers Of that time The infamous
and mercenary uncle-the hireling ruffiaus.
one OF whom was stricken with remorse-the
fight in the forest consequent upon that
eVent-the picturesque death of the children,
and their sweet sleep in the mound of flow
ers made for them by the gentle robins-it
must have been prolific subject for the re.
porter's pen.
1t is more than probable that l have not
grouped my thoughts in a very artistic man.
ner. can only plead in excuse that my
loeas OF frst' class lecture are in a some
what confused and unsettled state | never
attend lectures myself should rather think
not. am not at all brilliant but then |
Halter myself | am too smart for that
One reason why there were so many or
namental but useless people in the world is
due to the ineXplicable folly ofthose parents
who will not permit their children to pursue
the bent of their inclination in the matter of
association. Hence we see the wrong man
in the right place. Hence we some times see
doctors who ought to be undertakers: Sun
day. school teachers who ought to be stock
brokers-though it is seldom that we see
stock-broker who out TO be a Sunday. school
teacher; Brigadiers who ought to be old
women--and some of them are; authors who
ought to be butchers; actors who ought to
cry charcoal; actresses who ought to oay
button artists who ought to draw carts ir-
stead oflandscapes; OF orators who ought to be
now and then politician who
ought TO be in the penitentiary, and occasion
ally lecturer Who ought to have STAYED at
home-but we will not refer to that
The cause of the Bull Run manic was that
Just as the eagle of victory, like good bird,
was about to perch upon our banner, some
person appeared upon the field of battle with
the news that there were three vacancies in
the New York Custom house. All the sol.
diers but one were Of1ice-seekers-he was a
musician, and stayed TO spike his fife.
Never ridicule juvenile compositions, he
said. They are often exceedingly profound.
Here is one on the elephant-so compliment
ary to the elephant, indeed, that he might
well be proud to carry it in his trunk:
THE ELEPHANT.
The elephat is the most largest animal in
the world. He eats hay and corn, lust like a
horse or oxen. You must not give the
elephant tobacker, because if you do he will
stamp his great big feet upon you and kill
you Fatally Dead Some folks thinks the
elephant is the most noblest animal in the
whole world, but as for me, give me the
American Eagle and Star-spangled Banner.
There is hidden beauty, too, about the
juvenile poem. 1t is entitled
'Verses Suggested by My Two Uncles:"
"Uncle Simon he
Clum up tree
10 what ne could see,
MprIH Mnea Present lee
Clum up beside of him
And sQuatted down by he."
The lecturer then alluded to some Of his
own early efforts as a writer, mentioning in
particular an essay upon Africa, in which he
had bazarded the opinion that the inhabit-
ants of that aromatic country were dark
complicated. He here took occasion TO OBJ
serve that at that time he was rather prom
isiDg, although, unlike George Washington,
he told lies, and didn't have any little
hatchet.
Whatever your boy shows an inclination
for, he said, pat him on the shoulder and bid
him go on. Don't laugh at his first compo-
sition; he may be an embryo editor. If be
incline to OTatory and declaim loudly of
Norval, let him aloDe he may be Webster
or Douglas. If you see him brandishing
his sword, let him alone, he may be a Scott
or Mcclellan, or some other great man.
Great men, by the way, have their fortss.
NapOleOns e was war and conquest; Patter-
sons TO be behind time; RusselPs to lie,
Anders0n's Fort Sumter; Masons and Sill
delPs Fort Warren; Parson Brownlow's car.
Tying the Gospel TO the rebels of East Ten
nessee. Franklin would not have succeeded
as an army contractor; Shakespeare would
have failed as a New York repOrter-he
would have lacked the required fancy and
imagination.
II the crushed literary young man, trying
so vainly to initiate the author of Childs
Harold, would stop snarling at every thing
good, and write some useful poem, like
''ThiIty days hath September,
April, June and November"
or cheerful refrain with healthy senti-
ment, no matter if the chorus was hoop de.
doOden doc" he wouldn't be crushed. Ualy
bad poets are. put through the crushing
process.
In speaking ofreformers, he said Some of
these reformers are opposed TO razors others
are opposed TO warm bread; others are op-
posed to law; others are opposed to the
Bible. AL are opposed TO work. They toll
not; neither do they spin. 1t was a ire
former" who, being thirsty one hot summers
day, took tea-kettle of boiling water off the
stove aHd waited for it to cool, being too
lazy TO go TO the spring and get a drink.
That was about as lazy thing as a man
could possibly do, even II he exerted himself.
They, however, fight terrific battles in the
realms of thought; very safe place to fight
in. We have Home Guards of the same
Warlike character, who daily cover them
selves with imaginary gore. These reform
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