Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1862-10-30
Major Jack Downing.

This original and eccentrical old geni-
rs saws he attended cabinet meeting
lust after the late disaster at Manassas :
lie addresses the President as Kernel"
and tells his story as follows
oval" ses tho Kernel, "Mojer, it's
hard for old men like you,
know; but you ost meet with the Caby. /
net this mornin' and let us see cf some
new plant can't be adapted to get out Of
this scrape."
SO wen the time cum, took my hick-
cry and went in. Purity soon the differ
cntmcmbers cum droppin' in, one by one,
and oil seemed highly tickclcd to see me |
except Seward, who had never forgiven |
me for cxsposin' his dcccpshin on Linken
wen he altered my "Constitushinal Tells
kope." After they all got seated ses
Iinken, ses he, "Gentemen, there's no
use cny longer Of doing like the ostrich
does stick our heads in sandbank an say
/ that we don't see it,, for we're whipped
and driven back--in word we have fail
ed. Now the ralc question is, why have
we failed? What is the cause of it >
Jest as soon as we kin find ont the rea-
son Of our failure, we shall know what
to do to remedy it, Now" ses the
Kernel, 81 want every one YOU to give
mo your frank, hlc.t opinion as to the
reason. First, / will call on Mr.. Sew
ard"
Mr.. Seward got up, lookin' as pale as
a sheet, and ses he, "Wal, it amt my
/ fault. I've paid no attenshin to the war,
but have my hands full in kcepin' furrin
nashins from intcrlerin, and I've succeed
+ ed but cf | should give my opinion Of
J the cause OF the failure of our efforts to
restore the Union, would say it was
; OWN entirely to the ultra Of the Republi-
cans, who wanted to kill slavery before
they scotchcd it. This let the cat out Of
b the bag before the rite time. 1t aroused
and united the South an divided the
. North. They saw what we were after
e Ef my policy had been followed, Of paci.
u tyiug the South and OF talkin' Union to
d the North, we would have scotched the
Il snake OF slavery, and then we could have
e killed it at our leisure.
# Then old Wcllcs got up, lookin' very
h sleepy. He sed "the failure could not be
a charged against the Navy. 1t was the
,, most wide-awakc instituohin of the age
h 1t had achieved all the victories. The
is army couldn't do enythinS without his
a gunboats. Every time the rebels got al
Is them, they had to retrctc to lis guuboats
!, In his opinion the army has failed be
! cause it could not carry its gunboats Will
II it.. lie sed he had been tryin' to invont
7, a plan to furnish each regiment with d
gunboat for land service. lIl he could dc
that, he thought Richmond might be ta
ken carly next spring! The only thing
3 in all the war hat had not been Il fail
= nrc was hi, gunboats -
j. After he got thru Linkcn called upon
e me. jest hauled up my ol / hickery an
d laid it on the tabil, and putin my elbow,
I on the tabil to rest myself, | began
"Ses | KERNEL, feel kinder scary to
Civ my opinion rite here, after such II
display Of Iarnin' an eloquince; but, as
understand the question, it is this: We've
d been iightin' to restore the Union,
' we've failed. Now. what is the cause OF
y the lailure?" Ses |, "ls that it, Kcrncl?'
e Yes he, eyes, Maier; that's it exactly
'' "WOl," scs !, | alters want to get ol
: the track alore | start, and then kin tel
| purity nigh when | will fetch up. Now,
acs "kcrncl | want to ask you a qucs
IN ton
Ie Did yo@ crer try 20 split yepeyoge lQg2'
SIS "No," ses he "Majer, never did. No
c body would be such a consarned fool a.
IT, to try to split "A pcpcrnge log" "WaI,
:! Nes |, "hcrncl, suppose some iellcr shoul,
% cum to you an tell you that he had bccl
Is a year and half tryin' to split pcper
It age log, and couldn't do it, that he Ia,
~ failed, and wanted you to tell him wha
n to do, what would you say to him?"-
al "Say to him!-why | should tell him h,
S, might jest as well whistle at the log a.
Il to try to split it; that it wasn't in the ma
; tur OF such knotty merry, cross-graincd
n timber TO split; in other words that, he
was tryin' to do an onpo,sibul thing. -
. Now" ses |, 'kerncl, that's Jest my
I ldce about tyin' to save this Union by
Iishtin'! You're tryin' to do an ompos-
slbul thing. After n year and half o!
hghHn', you all acknowledged that you
have tailed, all the Cabynct is wonderin'
- why you have failed. Now it amt no
e wonder to me. You have failed because
in the very natur Of things, what you
II are tyin' to do can't bcdone in that way
'- \ re tatin' the wrong way to do it
e Then told the Cabynct the only way to
e get out Of this scrape was to have an ar
mlstlss, stop the lightin' and go to talk
u ln-that both sides had cnuf of blood
u shed now to satisfy them, and that tn,
" only way to get at settlement was tC
Y do that
J. No conclushn, however, was cum tc
about the armiStiss. The Kernel cam
o bring himself up to the idce yet. Et the
e Governors were only in favor of it, h,
IT would do it at once. So suppose for
o the present we shall keep on tryin' to dc
l. an onposoibul thing--to git the Union y,
y llghtin' for it, Depend upon it, trying
20 to split Pcporogc logs amt nothing to it, >
Yours till dcth.
" MAJOR Jack DowNrNG.