The dollar weekly bulletin. [volume] (Maysville, Ky.) 1862-1864, 1862-07-24
A Fling at Dressing Gowns.

My name is Albert Fling. I am an ac-
tive. business. married man, that is welded
to Mrs. Fling, and married to business. 1
had the misfortune some time since. to bre ak
leg; and before it was mended, NJ adame
Fling, hoping to sooth my hours of con-
valescence, caused to be made for me dress
ing gown. which on due reflection, 1 believe
was modelled after the latest style of straight
jacket. This belief is confirmed by the fact
that when put it on I am at once confined
to the house, "get mad," and am soberly
convinced that if any of my friends were to
see me walking in the street. clad in this
apparel they would instantly entertain ideas
Of insanity.
In the hours OF torture endured while
wearing it, have appealed to my dear wife
to truly tell me where she first conceived the
thought tn at there was d grain of comfort to
be found in bearing it on my back! She has
candiily answered that she first read about
it in divers English novels, and sundry
American novels, the latter invariably a re-
hash of the first. In both of these varieties
of the same species of books. the hero is rep
resented as being very comfortable the in
slant. he dons. this garment, put his feet in
slippers, picks up paper and goes to sleep.
A friend of mine, who has discovered that
Shakespeare knew all about steam engines.
electric telesraphs, cotton gins, the present
rebellion and gas-lights, assures me that
dressing gowns are di stinctly alluded to in
The Tempest:
Trim cuLo-O, King Stephano! look what. a ward
ODE here is for thce.
CALI BAN-Let it alone thou fool. it is but trash
Having thus proved its age, let US next
prove that it IS in its dotage, and is as much
out OF place in this nineteenth century as
monkey in bed OF tulips.
w e find in the Egyptian temples paint
ings of priests dressed in these gowns, proofs
that they are antiquely heathenish. And
as We always associate a man that wear one
with Mr.. Mantilini. this proves that they
are foolish. Ergo, as they are old and fool
'sh, as they are ir their dotage.
l have three several times. while wearing
this gown, been m;stake en- for M adame Fling
by people coming to the house. The first
time was shaving in my chambe whe in
bounced Miss Y who believed, as it was
rather late, that 1 had gone down town.!
She threw up her hands, exciaiming:
Good gracious, Fanny do you shave?'
n B tanny is nv wife's first name.
The second time had brought the wood
saw and horse from the cellar, and was ex
ercisiug myself saving up my winters wood
in tho summer kitchen. according to DR..
Howl's advice, when the Irishman from the
grocery entered bearing bundle. MY back
was to him, and only seeing the gay and
1owery gown. he exclaimed, in an awfully
audible whisper to the cook
Sure yer mistress has the power in her
arms ifst'
Think of my wife. my gentle Fanny. hav-
ing 1t shouted around the ne ghborhood that
her brute of husband made her saw all
tho w intar's ,vooa-yas on1 erlit it ond I'll
it. too, and make all the fires, and so on and
cetera. and oh! am glad my husband isn't
such a monster!'
l turned on the Irishman, and when he saw
my whiskers he quailed.
The third time 1 was blacking my boots,
according to DR.. Howl's advice-"expands
the deltoid muscles, is of benefit to the
metacapis, stretches the larynx opens the
oilosoph ayers and facilitates expectoratio toni
l had chosen what Fanny called her con-
servatory for my field Of opera tion-(the
conservatory has two dried 6sh-geran iums
and dead dog-rose in it, and bad smell
ing cat-nip bush,) when who should com
running in but the identical Miss X,
who caught me shaving.
Poor Fanny!' said she. before l could turn
round. do you black the boots of that odious
brute?'
Miss X-,' said I, turning toward her
folding nv arms over my dressng-gown.
spite of having damp. unpublished boot on,
one arm and wet black ing brush in tn e
other hand, for wished to strike position
and an awe at the same time; Miss X-I
am that odious brute HIMSELF
If you had observed her wilt, droop, slut
ter fly.
My wife went to the sea shore last sum
mer. l kept the house open, and staid in
town; cause, business. When she returned,
,bo al
her. IN less than FIVE m inutes, my wife was
sad moaning, desolate, injured, discoDso
late aff1 cted, eject. woman.
'How-ow-o could you do it. Al-lal- |
bert?' she calculated, flooding every word rs
it came out with tears.
DO what?
oh WOO, oh WOO wooh- wa-ah!'
Miss X here thought proper to leave,
casting from ner eyes small hardware shop |
in the way of daggers at me, much as to
saw. You are vicious, and l hate cheese (the-
atrical for hate ye.)
Fanny, left to herself, revealed all to me.
Miss X, through the Venetian blinds,
had seen a-gown in my room late at nj ght.
1T is too true,' said l, too, too true.'
'Al-lal-al- bert you will b-b-break my
heart. 1 could tear the d d destroyer-oyer er
of p-p-peace to pieces!'
Come on said /, you shall behold the
destroyer of your peace. You shall tear her
to pieces, or I'll be d-dashed if 1 don't. l
am tired Of the blasted thing
l grasped her hand aud led her to the back
chamber. There against the wall.'
1t is said she.
'It is said 1, my dressing gown! will
never again pnt it on my shoulders-never.
Here goes!' Rip it went from the tail up tn
back to the neck.
Hold, albert! will send it to the wound.
ed soldiers
Never! They are men. bricks. warriors.
Such female frippery as this shall never de-