Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1862-05-08
From Vanity Eair
ARTEMAS WARD IN WASHINGTON,

"Doln up my back mar, Sne fepneu.
Betsy" sed |, with stern air, "Betsy, you're
too old to think about such frivolties as back
hair"
"To old ? too oldP" she screamed, "too old,
you Bald-headed idiot You haint got hair
cnuf onto your he'd to make decent wig for
a single brested grass-hopperw
The Rebook was severe but merted Hens
4th shall let my wifes hair alone. You heard
me
My little dawter is CROWN quite rapid, and
begins to scrootinize cothin' with young men
inside of it, putty clost. l obsarve, too that
she twists pieces of paper round her hair at
nights, and won't let me put my arm round her
any more for fear I'll muss her. "Your mother
wasn't 'fraid I'd muss he, when she was your
age, my child" sed one day, with sly twin
ke into my dark bay eye.
"No," replied my little dowter "she probbly
liked it."
You amt goin' to fool female Young Amer
ca much. You may gamble on that
But all this, which happened in Baldinsville
week ago, haint nothin' to do with Washing
ton, from whittier | now write you, hopin' the
items l hereby sends will be acceptable to the
| Gin-Cocktail of America mean the Punch
thereof. A mild wittikism.-A. WI
Washington, d. c., is the Capital of "our
once happy country"-if may be allowed to
koin Erase The d. G. stands for Desprit
| Cusses, university which abounds here, the
most Of whom persess a Romantic pashun for
gratooitous drinks. And in this conjunction !
will relate a incident ] notist for several days
a large Hearse stendin' in front of the prin-
cipal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. "Can
you tell me, my fair Castilline," sed this NOR
min, to young Spaniard from Tipperary. who
was blackin' boots in the wash-room-"ca YOU
tell me what those Hearse is kept standin' out
there forP
"Well, you see our Bar-bisness is great
You've no idee of the number of people who
drink at our Bar durin' day. You see those
Hearse is necessary"
saw
Standin' in front of the tavern on Pennsy-
vania Avenoo is lot of miserable wretches-
black, white and ring strickid and freckeled-
with long whips in their hands, who frowns up
on you like the wulture opon the turtle dove
the mint you dismerge from the hotel. They
own yonder four-wheel startlin' curositys,
which were used years and years ago by the
first settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to
market in. The best carriage | saw in the en-
tire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum
two hundred years ago as goat pen. Be-
cumin' so used up that it couldn't hold goats,
that fair and gentle savage put it up at auction
Subsekently it was for hospital for sick calves,
then as hencoop, and finally it was put on
wheels and is now doin' dooty as hack.
called on Secretary Wells, of the Navy.
You know he is quite mariner himself, havin'
once owned a raft of logs on the Connethycut
river. So | put on saler stile and hollerd :
"Ahoy, shipmet Tip us yer grapplin irons p
"Yes-yes !" he sed, nervously "but mercy
on us, don't be so noisy"
SAY, ay, my hearty But let me sing obout
| how Jack Strokes lost his gal:
"The reason why he couldn't gain her
Was becoz he's drunken saler!"
"That's very good indeed" said the Secky,
but ''ths is hardly the place to sing songs in,
my friend.'
"Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed
|, and 81 don't care a cuss who goes 10 the leg
islater! But AK your pardon-how's things pr
comfortable, l thank you. | have here"
he added. ga copy of the Mddletown Weekly
Clarion of February the 10, containin' report
that there isn't much Union sentiment in South
Carony but hardly credit it,
"Air you well, Mr.. Secky, sed l. SIS your
liver all right?" How's your koffP"
"God bless me !" sed the Secky, risin hastily
and glarin' wildly at me, 'what do you mean ?"
80 nothin' particular. Only it is one of the
that Cabnit ofisser can pack up his trunk and
20 home whenever he's sick. Sure nothin'
don't all your liver ?" sed l, pokin' him putty
vilent in the stummick.
/ called on Abe. He received me kindly.
| handed him my umbreller and told him I'd
have check for it if he pleased. THAT" sed
he, 'puts me in mind of little story There
was a man out in our parts who was so mean
that he took his wife's coffin out Of the back
winder for fear he wonld rub the paint off the
doorway.
Wall, about this time there was a man in q
adjacent town who had green cotton UNI
breller.
"Did it fit him well ? Was it custom made P
Was he measured for it ?"
Measured for what P" said Abe.
"The umbreler P"
"Wall, as / was sayin," continued the Presi-
dent, treatin' the interruption with apparent
contempt, "this man sed he'd known that there
umbreller ever since it was parasol. Ha, ha,
ha!
eyes," sed !, larfn in respectful manner,
"but what has this man with the umbreller TO
no with the mon who took his wife's coffin out
the back winderP"
"'ro be sure" sed Abe-"what was itP l
must have got two stories mixed together,
which puts me in mind of another lit
"Neyer mind Your Excellency, | called to
congratulate you on your career. which has
cSSh q hOhcot anu SOOu OHe-uHsCuTeu ana
unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Alb
bolish at the back of you-each one of which
is little wuss than the other if possbe!"
''Iell +. Stanton that his boldness, honesty
and vigger merits all prase, but to keep his un-
der garments on. i. Stanton apparently has
only one weakness, which it is, he can't allus
Keep his under garments from flynn up over
his he'd. mean he occasionally dances in
peGk-measure, and he don't look graceful at it.
took my departer. "Good bye, old sweet
ness !" sed Abe, shakin' me corgully by the
hand.
"Adoo, my Prahayrie- flower !" replied, an
made my exit. twenty-five thousand dollars
year and found" soliloquised, as | walked
down the street, lis putty good wages for
man with a modest appytite, but reckon it is
wuth it to run the White House."
"What you bowt, sahp What the debble
you doin' sab?
1t was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which
thus spoke to me. There was cullud process
sion before me, which was escortin' elderly
bald-hedded Airikin TO his home in Bates AL
icy, This distinguished Afrikin Brother had
Just returned from Lybery, and in turnn' cor
ner putty student had stumbled and placed
my hed agin his stummick in rather strengthy
manner.
"Do you wish to impede the progress of this
procession, sab P"
Certainly not, by all means Procesh -
And they went on