The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-03-23
Artemus Ward on the Shakers.

Artemus Ward, in VANITY Far, give
some Of his experience among the Shs
kers:
set down to the table, and the femal
in the meal bag poured out sum tea. Sh
sed nuthin, and for five minits the onl,
live thing in that room was q old wooden
clock, which tickt in subdood and bash
ful manner in the corner. This deathly
stiffness made me oneasy, and L deter
mined to talk to the female or bust. Sc
sez |, marriage is kinder agin your rules
L believe, marm Z
"Yay."
"The sexes liv strictly apart, spect"
"Yav."
Its kinder singler," sez I, putin on
my most sweetest look and speakin in a
winnin voice, that so fair a made as thow
never got hitched to some likely feller. y
\. b She was upward of forty, and
hoinely as a stumped fence, but | thawt
I'd tickle her
Sur, l don't like men" she sed, very
short.
oval, l don't know" sez |, they're a
rathur important part of the populashun.
1 don't see how we could get along with
out en-"
Us poor winning folks would git alon g
great deal better if there was no men p
Ioul II excuse me, marm, but | don t
think that air would work. 1t wouldn t
be reclar."
81 IN afraid Of men" she said, very pitt
fully
That's unnecessary, marm. You amt
in danger. Don't fret yourself on that
pint"
Here we're shot out from the sinful
world Here we air brothers and sisters
We don't marry. and consekently we have
no domestic difficulties. IIusbans don't
abooze their wives-wives don worri their
husbans There's no children here to
wor1i Us. Nothn' to worTi Us here. No
wicked matrmony here. Would thou
like to be a ShakerY
! had now his;ed in as big a load Of
pcrvisuus as 1 could kerry comfortable,
and leaHin' back on my cheer, conmenst
picken my teeth with fork. The female
went out, leayin' me alone with the clock.
/ had sot thar long before the elder polscd
his head in at the door. You're a man
Of sin = he scd, and groancd aud went
away
Direcktly there cum in two young Sha-
keresses. rs purity and slick lookin gals
| ever met 1t is true they were drest in
meal bags like the old one | q met previ-
ousIy, and their shiny, silky har was hid
from sight by long white caps. such as
suppose female costs wear; but their eyes
sparkle like diamonds, their cheeks were
like roses. and they was charmin' enough
10 make a man throw stuns at his grand
mother, if they aXed him to. They com
meaSt clcarn the dishes away, castin shy
glanccs at me all the time ! got excited.
! forgot Bctsey Jane in my raptur, an! sez
/, my purity dears how do you do 2
We air well, they solumly sed
Where's the oil man? said / in soft
voice.
"of whom dost thou speak-brother
Uriah p
/ mean the gay and festive cuss who
calls me man Of sin. Shouldn | wonder If
his name was Uriah.
lie has retired
Wal, my pretty dears," sez ], "let's
have sum fun. Let's play puss-in the cor
ner. What say? / haven't arrayed my
proud form in long weskit get bat .f
they was all Ike you perhaps Il Jinc
them. As It j. I'm a Shaker prote:apo-
rary.'
They was full of fun. I seed that at
rUst, only they was a little skeery. |
taught en- puss in the corner, and sich
Ike Jlase, aud we had a nice time, keepin
quiet. Of coarse. so the old man shouldu' t
hear When we broke up, sez !, Ny
pretty dear-, ear ] 20, you have no obiec-
tons. have yUu-to = Iunercent kiss beiour
partin 2
"Yay,' they said, and y1yd