Western Reserve chronicle. [volume] (Warren, Ohio) 1855-1921, 1861-03-20
ARTEMUS WARD VISITS BRIG
HAM YOUNG.

1t is now goin on ? (tonj yeres, as !
very well remember, since | crossed the
Planes of Kaliforny, the brite land of jold.
While crOssin the Planes all so bold l fell
in with sum noble red men of the forest,
(N. B.-This is rote sarcasticul. Injins
is pizen, whar ever found, which they sed
l was their brother, & wantid for to smoke
the calOmel of peace with me. Thay then
stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery,
skalpt my origin grinder & scooted with a
wild hoop Durin the Cheats tcchin
speech he scd he shoOd meat me in the hap
py huntin grounds If he duz thare will
be fite. But enuff of this ere. RereR
moose muttonS, as our skoolmastcr, who
has got talent into him, cussy cally OBJ
sarves.
1 arrove at Salt Lake in doc time At
Camp Scott thar was a lot Of L. S. sojers,
hosstensibly sent out thare to smash the
'Mormons but really to eat salt vittles and
play poker & other beautiful but sumwhat
onsartin games. L got acquainted with
sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty ser
umpshus in their bloc coats with brass but
tings onto um, & ware very talented drink
ers, but so fur as fitin is cOnsarned, Ide
willinly put my wax 6ggerS agin the hull
PARTY.
My desire was to exhibit my crate show
in Salt Lake City, 50 | called on Brigha IN
Young. the CRATE mogull amung the NORM
ings and axed his permishun to pitch my
tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle
breezis. He loogt at me in q austeer man
ncr for few minits & sed:
do you bleeve in Solomon. Saint Paul.
the immaculateness of the AIOrmin Church
and the latter-day Revelashuns?"
Sez |, lime on itl' L make it pint to
cit along plesunt, tho l didn't know what
under the Son the old feller was driven at
He said l mite show.
..You air maIrid man Mister Yung. l
belcve?" sez preparin to rite him sum
free parsis.
81 hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. 1
sertinly am marrid. "
"How do you like it as far as you hev
got?" sed 1.
He sed"middlin, ''and axed me wouldn't
like to see his famerly, to which l re-
plide that | wouldn't mind minglin with
the fair seek & barskin in the winnin smiles
of his interestin wives. He accordinly
tulk me to his Scareum. The house is
powerful big & in a exceedin large room
was his wives and children, which larst
was squakwin and hollerin enuf to take the
roof rite off the house. The wimin was
of all sizes and ages. Sum was pretty
& sum was plane-sum was helty & sum
was on the wayne-which is verses, tho
sich was not my intenshuns, as l don't
prove of putin verses in proze ritins tho
ef occashun requires can jerk a pOim e
kal to any of them Atlantic Munthly fell
lers.
MY wives, Mister Ward" sed Yung
"YOur sarvant, marms," sed l, as sot
down in a cheer which a red-heded female
brawt me.
Besides these wives you see here, Mis-
ter Ward" sed Yung. Il have eighty more
in varis parts of this cOnseerated land
which are sealed to me-
."Which?" sez l, gitten up and starein
at him.
Sealed, sir, sealed"
"Whare bowts?" sez 1.
Il sed, sir, that they were sealed." He
spoke in a traggerdy voice.
''Will thay probly continue on in that
stile to any CRATE extent, SIR" | axed.
Sir" sed he tu1nin as red as billed
beet, don't you know that the rules of
our Church is that |, the Profit, may hev
as meny wives as wants."
"Jcs so" l sed. "You are old pie, amt
yOu?'
Then as is sealed to me-that is to
say to be mine when l wants unfair at
present my sperretOOul wives" sed Mister
Yung.
Long may they wavel" SCI |, scein
shoOd git into scrape ef d;dent look out 4
In a privit conversashun with Brigham
lernt the follerin fax: 1t takes six weeks I
to Kiss his wives. He don't do it only (
onct a yere & it is wuss nor elcanin house.
He don't pretend to know his children,
there is 50 many of um, tho they all know
him. He sez about every child he meats
calls him Par, s; lie takes it fer grantid 1t
is so. His wives air very expensiv. They
alters want suthin & eff he don't l.ly it fOi
um they set the house in uPrOar He sez
be don't hev a minits peace. His wives
fte amung themselves so much that he has
bilt fitting room for thare spcshul benefit, |
& when too of um git into row he has
EN- turned loose into that place, WHARF the
dispOot is settled aecordin to the rules Of '