Cincinnati daily press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1860-1862, 1861-10-10
Tom myrtle Relates how he FSrCed hi.


Ever since l have been fourteen years Of
age have been anxious land believe it's
q matter Of anxiety to oil young mem to
raise moustache. IL seems as though
'tyould be perfect bliss for them to scatter
few hairs on their upper lip. But TO my
self. After using the razor seven times per
day for fourteen years, and not even 0cotton
crop" appearing, became rather disconnected.
Few months ago looking ever the Her
aid, was gladdened by sight Of "Moustaches
and whiskers forced to grow in six weeks
and warranted not TO stain or injure the
skin. Inclose l, and direct to No. -
street" Instantly throwing down paper,
and putting bill in envelope, ordered five
bottles. In afternoon moustache-fetcher
came; took future hope up stairs; then
locking door so sister Kate couldn't inter-
fere, took six weeks disguiser in hand, stood
before mirror and prepared TO force NOUS
taches. Took about half an hour to apply
birsute ointment then sat down to wait for
ladies' admired ornament. Waited two
months; mustys didn't force; applied oint-
ment again and waited four months more;
long looked for hadn't arrived. Bought six
fine French opera-glasses, three Partisan
hand-mirrors; invisibles were not there.
Ordered a reflector to be put on the roof so the
sun would shine on mirrors; skin hadn't
broke yet; became disgusted. Went to
whiskershop and demanded reason of pro-
prietor; keeper of Office couldn't tell; would
try new method. Accordingly got into
professors chair, and gentlemanly old fell
low commenced to operate. Seized knife
and began cutting holes in face and lip;
asked man what he was going to do; operator
said was going to force moustache. Thought
this was forcible argument. At last was
finished; wrapping handkerchief around
face, went home. In morning awoke, when
(horror of horrors y found l had milk-col-
ored "forcers," two feet long and thicker
han sandburs in Jersey Glanced in
mirror eyes chad INDUCED little before
went to bed, on good luck about to befall
me,) looked like pair Of radishes in cotton
bats. Rushed down stairs; Kate and
mother looked frightened, ran out doors;
one fellow in street asked what ~ paid for
hair-dye." As turning corner, chap slap
ped me on the back with, "Hellow, Ned,
where are you goingP Told gentleman he
was mistaken man looked at me closely
for o moment, and said; ~ thought Ned
had got drunk last night, after playing
part of King Lear, and forgot to take his
costume off," Mistaken individual begged
pardon; asked chap how old he thought l
was; said ninety; but was "very spry for
one of that ageP In agony rushed home.
After four days mother and Kate consented
to approach me without broom and carving
knife in hand. Kate wants me to take
contract for five hundred mattresses for
soldiers; Kate says could do it to hair;
woulnt have to be forced either; then laughs
maliciously. Nobody knows me; poodle dog
comes smelling around me as though was
his twin brother. Have not been out of
house for two weeks; only pleasure now is
reading Atlas. Dear Mr.. Editor, do send
some remedy.
Yours torcsdly and whiskerdly,
| Tom MYRTLE.
P. S.-If any body wants moustaches or
phiSkerS, recommend the ointment" L. NJ.