Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1861-02-14
Artemus Ward on the Crisis.

On returnin to my homested in Baldins-
vile, Injiana, recently, my feller sitterzens
extended an invite to me to norate to 'em
on the Krysis.' 1 excepted & on larst
Toosday mite l peared be4 c of upturn-
ed faces in the Red Skool House. spoke
neerly as follers:
Baldinsvillins: Hereto4, as I hav nu-
merously observed, l hav abstained from
havin any sentimunts or principle, nv pol
lertics, like my religion, being of an ex-
ceedin accommodatin character. But the
fack can be no longer disguised that a
Krysis is onto us, d feel its my dooty to
except your invite for one consecutive mite
only. spose the infammatory individ-
GOALS who assisted in producing this Kry-
sis know what good she will do, but l amt
'shamed to state that l don't, scarcely.
But the Krysis is hear. She been hear for
several weeks, d and goodness nose how
long she'll stay. But l venter to assert
that she's rippin things. She's knockt
trade into knockt up hat and chaned
many of my livin wild Beests. Allow me
hear to dygress & s,ait that my Beests at
present is as harmless as new born Babe.
Ladys and gentlemen needn't hav no fears
on that pint. To resoom-Altho l can't
exackly see what good tbs Krysis can do,
l can very quick say whafthe original cawz
of her is. The original cawz is Our Afri-
kan Brother. l was into Barnim's Moo
zeum down to New York the other day d
saw the exsentric Ethiopian, the What Is
1t. Sez |, 'Mr. What is it, you folks are
raisin thunder with this CRATE country
You're gettin to be ruther more numeris
than interestin. 1t is a pity you coodent
90 orf sumwheres by yourselves, d. be a
nashun of What Is Its, tho ifyou excoose
me, shooden't care about marrying among
you. No dowt you're exceedin charmin 10
hum, but you stile of luvliness isn't adopt
ed to this cold climit. He larfed in my
face, which rather riled me, as l had bin
perfeckly virtoous and respectable in my
observashuns. So sez l, turning leetle
red in the face spect, ado you hav the
unb!ushn impoodent to say you folks hav-
ent raised big mess of thunder in this
brite land, Mister What Is 1t? He larfed
agin, wiser nor be4, whareupon up and
seq: $50 home, Sir, to Afriky's burnin
shores d. talk all the other What Is Its
along with you. Don't think we can't
spair your interestin picters. You What
Is its are on the pint of smashin up the
geatest Guv'ment ever erected by man, d
you actooally have the owdassity to larf
about it. Go home, you low cussp
Twas workt up to high pitch d proceed
ed to a Restorator d cooled orf with sum
little fishes billed in ile-I b'bleeve they
call 'em sardeens.
Feller Sitterzuns the Afrikau may be
Our Brother. Some hily respectyble gen.
tlemen, and some talentid females tell US
so, d for argument sake 1 might be in
jooced to grant it, though 1 don't b'leeve
it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our sis
ter d our wife d our uncle. He isn't sew
eral of our brothers q all our first wife's
relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and
our CRATE grandfather and our Amt in the
country. Scarcely, & yit numeris persons
wood have us think so. It's troo he runs
Congress d several other public groserys,
but then he amt everybody and everybody
else likewise.
But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther
he's got us, & now what air we going to
do about it? He's an orful noosance.-
Praps he isn't to blame for it. Praps he
was creatid for sum wise purpuss, like the
measles and New Englan Rum, but its
mighty hard to see it. At any rate he's
10 good here, d as statid Mister What
Is 1t, it's pity he coodn't 60 sumwhares
quietly by hisself, where be Good wear red
weskits and speckled neckties, to crafty
his ambishun in varis interestin vase, with
out havin eternal fuss kickt up about
him.
Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon
Cuffy. Cum to think of it, 1 am. He
woodn't be such internal noosance if
white people would let him alone. He
might indeed be interestin. And now l
think of it, why can't the white people let
him alone. What's the good of contin-
nerly stirrin him up with tenfoot pole +?
He inst the sweetest kind of Perfoomery
when in natral stait.
Feller Slterzuns, the Unions in danger.
The black devil disunion is trooly here,
staring us all squarely in the face! We
must drive him back Shall we make a
I'd Mexico of ourselves? Shall we sell our
birthrite for mess of potash? Shall one
bruther put the knife to the throat Of an
uther brother? Shall we mix our whisky
with each Others blud? Shall the star
spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths
Standin here in this Skoolhouse, upon my
native shore SO to speek, l anser-Nary.
Oh you fellers who are raisin this row,
& who in the first place started it, I'm
'shamed of you. The Snowman bushes
for you, from his boots to the topmost har
upon his venerable he'd.
say to the South don't sesesh! say
to the galyiant people of that sunny land,
jes lock up few hundred of them tearin
& roarn fellers of yourn in sum strong
boxes, and send 'em over to Mexico. And
we peple up North here will consine ekal
number of our addle braned rip snoriers
to the same lokallerty, and there let 'em
fite it out among themselves. No conse.
kents, not the slitest, which licks. Why
shoulden't peple who got up this fite do
the fitina Git these ornery critters out
of the way, & the sensible people of the
North and South, can fix the matter up
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