The Placer herald., 1861-06-29

Drowned on the grdGle, and nicely lubrica
ted with the sweetest and parest butter, then
| WAS t1oated in the clearest and most trans
parently beautiful molas es--which is the
highest and best fate of a bnckwheat cake;
then | changed again and the Mercury had
put up my salary to five thousand dollars
per week of four days, and had just sent in
a blank for me to fill on, for any number of
wears in advance; my twenty thousand sons
had grown to be the best and nobest of men,
and held the leading positions everywhere
in the country; then | was about to be
Mayor OF the city, had it not been for a
solved that | should be Governor of the
State; and | was rescued from this last
,hrong by another crowd, who had all voted
for me for President of the United States;
and had Just given my consent to fill that
responsible post to the best of my ability.
when | was forcibly seized by an army of
our first families and our best society, and
compelled to accede to their command to
act as Dictator of all North America: but
before had IA chance to fairly say YES" to
this proposition, | found myself declared
conqueror of the word, and was being in
vested with the royal robes and things
From this time things began to 90 10y
contraries. ! wasn't SO rich as had been;
wasn't rich at ALL in fact | was begear
hadn't twenty thousand suns, only one,
and he was in the penitentlary for stealing
spawned gray mare and buckskn bride.
| wasn', conqueror; | wasn't a governor;
had II killed anybody; didn't have any
maple molasses on me, or any butter, nor
anything; | wasn't a bu kwheat cake at ALI;
but WAS screw steamer with seven hun
dred passengers, all of them sea sick at
once; tnen was a pig with my throat cat;
then | WAS What is it? then | was my
self, with my salary stopped and my work
doubled; then WAS a slice Of bread. bat
preserved all the feelings of n man while
was toasted very brown on both sides; then
| was sausage and was fried; then was
an eel and was first speared, then skinned
alive, then stewed, then eaten
Then was u turkey, and was roasted;
then | was an oyster, and WAS salted, and
peppered and vinegarcd and Worthester.
shire sauced, and devoured alive on the
half she'll
Then | was myself and was asleep and
had SIX anvs on my breast and two fellows
forging umberwagon tires on each anvil;
then the anvils changed to billiard tables,
and Berger and lhean were playing
match game on them; then there was
three story house on my chest II tenement
house at tl,at, and a row in every room;
then my head was a carpenters shop, with
IA turning lathe in one corner: and for the
last three hours of my laudanum sleep (for
fell asleep after two hours of biss), |
thought my skull was a steam boiler for
side wheel steamboat, and thirty-tour men,
half inside and half out were engaged in
settrg the last r;vets To accomplish this
feat, | imagined that they drilled holes
through the bone with a cold chisel, heated
the rive,s red hot, and cinched them on
both sides with seventeen'pound sledge ham
mers
For the last half hour, suppose it was,
bat which really seemed k six weeks. |
though, had made the acquaintance Of His
Honor Satan, and that he was favoring me
with his devoted personal attentions. and !
had taken off my scalp, battered the top of
my head, run pilchfork through my body,
and was toaslng me like a muffin.
That was the last of my experience of
opium eating; the first part of it was deli
.ious, blissful, was heavenly; but The last
three hours well words are of no use,