Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1861-06-20
Matrimonial InfeliCities.
CONVERSATION AT TIE BREAKFAST TABLE.
BY AN IRRITABLE MAN.


cr, it is to receive cup of coffee that looks as
if it had been slipped from before it reached
my hands. Have not often asked you TO fill
my cup to within an eighth of an inch of the
rim, anG not give it to me half or three quar-
ters full Z"
" You are as particular as an old bachelor"
the estimable lady replied, and if l had
known it before l married you, this day would
not have seen me your wife. There, sir, is
your cup of coffee. | hope it will suit you"
Good gracious y exclaimed, as | took
the cup, now you've managed to run it over
You must certainly be aware that if there be
one thing dislike more than another it is to
fnd slops in my saucer"
"Well, if you will insist upon my filing the
cup, you must expect that sometimes | shall
spill it over besides, your finding fault with
me does no good, but MAKES me nervous, and
causes my hand to trembe, so that only won
der there is any coffee left in the cup. But
here is clean saucer, in place of the one you
have"
Having effected this important change, /
tasted the contents of my cup. Itwas evident
to me that there was no sugarin it. | tasted
it again TO make certain of the fact. Then !
said TO her
You have neglected to put sugar in my
coffee If there be one thing l dislike more
than another, it is coffee unsweetened"
Il am certain" replied the estmable
spouse, - that did sweeteu it. don't think
YOU have stirred it,"
But know | have" | answered.
" Not with your spoon" said the provoking
woman, al for it is perfectly dry F.; perhaps,
however, You used your fork"
"Pshaw Y was all the answer vouchsafed
to this remark.
Now. | declare" said after having stir
red and slipped my coffee, you have made it
too sweet. If there be one thing | dislike more
than another. it is to have my coffee taste like
syrup"
" Let me put more milk with it, then !" said
the obliging woman.
"No, thank you" replied, " don't care
to have my stomach turned into u dairy. If
there be one thing | dislike more than anoth-
er, it is milk, gave up milk diet when cut
my first teeth"
" 1t is to be hoped that you will give up
the habit of fault,fnding, which you possess in
an eminent degree, when you come to cut yonr
wisdom teeth, though no one can tell when
that will be-"
Thank you" replied "you will proba,
bly, be the first who will know it when tia
occurs"
"And happy day it will be for me-" she
answered, with provoking camness. Few
know, though, how much unhappiness YOUR
constant faultfLdng causes me. Nothing I
do seems to give you any satisfaction. There
isn't a moment elapse, while You are in the
house, save when you are asleep. but YOU are
thus occupied. The truth is, | have always
been too indnlgent with you, and humor Won
when | ought not. | didn't commence rirht
in the first place. | should have paid no at
tentiOn to your whims, hat studied nv own
convenience and comfort, instead of seeking
10 make every thing smooth and pleasant for
you. Then | would have got along much bct.
ter. Oh, you men are great tyrants, and if a
woman yields TO you in the least. yon follow
up your advantage and bend her will to YOURS
and crush her spirit to the earth, tiH, by.apd-
by, you break her heart"
My dear l will thank you for another Gun
of coffee" | said, passing my cup to her " but
be careful not to run it over, nor get il too
sweet nor put in too much milk. What an
intoleraHe steak this is, added =" it is toneh
enough to have been cut from one of the cat
tie pastured upon a thousand bills more than
a thousand years ago If there be one thing
dislike more than another, it is tough beef
steak"
You ordered it yourself, from the market
so you needn't find fault with me on account of
it | knew it was tough the moment looked
at it."
Then why didn't you send it back ?" l
inquired.
Because, as it was your selection, I sup
posed you wanted tough one; besides. if |
had returned it, you would have found fault
with me for doing So"
Well, | can't eat it. that's certain said
so it had better be taken off of the table. |
shan't throw any more money away on beef
steaks"
Z" Oh it will answer for hash, ;" said nv eco-
nomcal wife, and you can have it for din
ner"
Hash I exclaimed. "If there be one
thing | dislike more than another, it is hash.
Hash is only fit for children and old people
without teeth. Besides, it is q popular dish at
boarding schools and boarding houses and
when was boy, and afterward, while
bachelor, | ate my share of it, and I'm not
going to eat any more. No, we'll have turkey
for dinner"
-" Very well &" said my spouse, "a turkey let
ii be. Shall see to getting one ?"
think not" | answered "The fact is,
that all the turkeys you select, turn out to be
like the celebrated cne OF which Job was the
reputed owner-poor and tough. No, I'll buy
the turkey, and you can cook it,"
Very well, said the imperturbable lady.
But how will you have it cooked 2"
On, any way suit yourseIf,"I answered
Then | think | will roast it," she replied.
Roast it !" exclaimed THAT is Just
like you. Now, you know that if there be one
thing | dislike more than another it is to have