Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1861-06-07
Artemus Ward in the South.
MS TRIALS AND ADVENTURES.
From Vanity Fair. ]

! From Vanity Fair.]
l had nhrrer soape from the sonny South
The swings and arrers of outrajus fortin,' =
alluded to by Hamlick, warn't nothin in com.
parison to my trubles. came pesky near
swearin some profane oaths more'n n onct but
l hope didn't do It, for I've proniist she
whose name shall be nameless (cxccpt that
her initials is Betscy j. that in limo the
Meetin House at Baldinsvillc, jest as soon as
| can scrapc money enuff together so / can
ford to be Plus in good stilc, like nv welthy
nabers. But if I'm confisticated again I'm
fraid shall continner in my present bcnited
state for sum time.
iggered conspcyusly in many thrilliu
scenes in my tower from Montgomry to my
humsted, and on sevril occasions | thought
the CRATE konic paper" would never be in.
rlched no more with my lubrications. Artcr
biddin adoo to Jefferson ID. started for the
depot. l saw niger sittin on a fence
a-playin on banjo. "My Afrikin Brother"
sed |. cotin from Track | onct red, "yon
belong to very intcrestin race Your mas.
ters is goin to war exclusively on your
account"
| Yes boss, he replied, tan wish 'em
honorable graves |" and he went on playin
the banjo, larfin all openin his mouth wide
enuff to drive in an old.fashincd Q wheeled
chaisc.
The train Of cars in which was to trust
my wallerble life was the scaliest rickytiest
lookln lot OF consarns that ever saw on
wheels aforc. What time does this string
of secondhand coffins leaves" inquired Of
the depot master. He scd drcckly. and |
went In x sot down. hadn't more'n fairly
squatted aforc dark lookin man with q
swinster expression onto his countenancc
entered the cars, and lookin very sharp NJ
me, he axcd what was my principless
"Secesh y | ansercd. Pm Dissoluter
I'm in favor Of jeff DAVIS Bouregard. Pick.
ems, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro Etards.
the devil, Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest
of EN-"
You re in favor of the war;"
"Certingly. BY all means. I'm in favor
of this war and also of the next war I've
been in favor of the next war for over six.
teen ycars!" II
War to the knivc?'
"Blud, Fargo blud!" sed I. tho them
words isn't origgernal with mo. Them words
was rit by Shakespeare, who is ded. His
Mantle fell onto the author Of "The Seven
Sisters" who's goin to hav a Spring over.
coat made out of it. .
We got on our way at larst, an proceeded
on our jerney at about the rate of speed which
is gnrally obsarved by properly conducted
funeral professions. A hansum yunc Gal
with red musketer bar on the back part OF
her he'd, and sassy little black hat tint over
her forrcred, sot in the seat with me. She
wore little Seccsh flag pin'd onto her hat
and she was n goin for to see her troo love
who had jincd the Southern army, all 50 bold
and gay. So she told me. She was chilly
and offered her my blankot>
"Father Twin 2" axcd. q
"Yes sir"
SCOT any Unclcs?'
"A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho"
"Peacc to Uncle Thomas's she's and sue
cess to him ! will be your Uncle Thomas .
Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, and lingcr
in Blissful rcpose!' She slept as secoorly as
| in her own housen, and didn't disturb the
sollum stiffness of the mite with ary snore.
| At the first station troop of Sojers en-
tered the cars and inquired if "Old Wax
Works" was on bored That was the disrc-
specify stlc in which they referred to me. -
Bccawz if Old Wax Works is on borcd,''
scz man with face like a double cbrestc |
lobster, "wc'rc going to hang Old Wax
Works ~
"My illustrious and patriotic Bummcrs -
sez J., a gittln up and takin orr my Shappoo,
"if you alludc to A. Ward, it's my pieasin
dooty to inform you that he's dcd. lie saw
the crrcr Of his ways at 10 minits parst 2
yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed
slcdstake, dyin in five beautiful tabloos to
slow moosic! His larst words was my per
fcshcrnal career is over! jerk no more ~
And who be you?"
| I'm stoodcnt in Senator Benjamin's
law ofliss. I'm goin up North to steal sum
spoons and things for the Suthern Army"
This was satisfactory and the intossicated
troopers went Off At the next station the
pretty little Sccesher awokc and sed she must
git out there ! bid her kind adoo and Civ
her sum pcrvisions. accept my blcssin
and this hunk of gingerbread p | scd She
thankt me muchly and tript galy away
There's considerable human mater in man,
and I'm fraid shall alters Civ aid and com
fort to the enemy if he Gums to me in the
shape of q nice young gal.
At the next station didn't get orr so easy.
was dragged out Of the cars and rolled in
the mud for several mnits for the purpose of
"takin the conscet out of me-" as Secesher
kindly stated.
was let up finally, when a powerful large
Seccshcr came up and embraced me, and to
show that he had no fcelins agin me, put his
nose into my mouth. returned the compli-
mcnt by placing my stummick suddenly agin
his right foot. when he kindly made spit
toon of his able bodied face. Actooated by a
desire to see whether the Sccesher had bin
vaxinated then fastened my teeth onto his
left coat-slccvc and tore it to the shoulder
We then vilently bunted our heads together
for few minits, donccd around little, and
sot down in a mud puddle. We riz to our
feet again & by suncn & adroit movement
placed my left eye agin the Seccsher's fist.
We then rushed into each others arms and
fell under two hoss wagon. | was very
much exhausted and didn't care about gettin
up agin, but the man said he reckoncn I'd
better, and concloodcd / would. He pulled
me up but hadn't bin on my feet more N
two seconds aforc the ground flew up and hit
me in the he'd. The crowd sell it was high
old sport, but I couldn't zakly see where the
lafturc come in. riz and We embraced agn.
We carccrcd madly to a steep bank, when !
got the upper hands Of my antaggcrnist and
threw him into the ravccn. lie fell about
forty feet, strikin grindstonc pretty hard.
| understood he was injured / haven't
hoa ri croo, tho