Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1861-01-10

From VANITY Fair.
Artemus Ward on hts visit TO
Abe Lincoln.

| have no politics. Nary one. I'm
not in the bisness. If was should hol.
Ter versiffrusly in the streets at mite and
20 home to Betsy Jane smelin OF coal lie
and gin in the morning. schuld 20 to
the polls arly. / schuld stay thar all
day. / schud see to it that my nabers
was thar. / schuld git Garages to take
the kripples, the infurm and the indig-
naht thar. schuld be on the lookout
for infamous lies of the enemy, got Up
jest be4 eecshun for perlitical effeck.--
When all was over, aud my candydate
was elected, | schuld move hevin and arth
so to speak-until got orifce, which
if didn't git orifce schuld turn
round d. abooze the Administrator with
all my mite and maine. But Pm not in
the dismiss. I'm in far more respect
able bisniss nor whot pollerticks is. ]
wouldn't give 2 cents to lie Congresser.
The wuss insult j ever received was wen
sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to
run for the Legislator. Sez /. My
friends, dostest think I'd stoop to that
thar?" They turned as white as a sheet.
spoke in my most orfullest tones, d they
know'd l wasn't to be trifed with. They
slunked out Of site to onct.
There4 hevin no pollertiks, I made
bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in
Springfield. l found the old feller in his
psrler surrounded by perfeck swarm of
OFFICE seekers. Known he had been cap
ting Of fat boat on the roarin Missis-
sippy / thot I'd address him in sailor
lingo, so sez /, "Old Abe, ahoy Let
ont yer main suls, reef hum the 4castle 4;
throw yer jibpoon overheard! Shiver my
timbers, my hearty" n. B. This is
ginune mariner langwidge, ] know be-
cauze I've seen sailor plays acted by them
New York theater iellerS. Old Abe
lookt up quite cross & sez, "Send in yer
petition by d by. can't possibly look
at it now Indeed, l can't It's onpos-
sible, srl"
Nh. Linkin, who do you think / arr"
sed l.
"a orifce seeker to be sure?" sed he.
"Wall, sir" sed l, "you's never more
mistaken in yer life. You aint got ori.
fee I'd take under no circumstances
Pm A. Ward. Wax figures is my per-
feshun. I'm the father of twins, d. they
look like me-Joth Of them. l cum tc
pay friendly visit to the President elec
of the United States. IfSo be yer wants
to see me, say so-if not, say SO, d. In
orr Ike a Jug handle"
"Mr. Ward, sit down. I'm glad tc
see you, SIR
"Repose in Abraham's Buzzum." set
one of the orifce seekers, his idee bein tc
git orr a COAX at my expence.
wall" sez |. eff all You fellers re
pose in that thar Buzzum thar'll be nit,
poor nussin for sum Of ye!" whereupor
Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up
blusht like maiding Of sweet l6. Jes
at this pint of the conversashun anothe
swarm of orifce seekers arove d Gun
plin into the parler. Sum wanted pos
orifces, sum wanted furrin missions d. al
wanted sumthin. l thot Old Abe woulC
go crazy. He hadn't more than time t.
shake hands with 'em be4 an other tremeiu
crowd cum porin onto his premises. Hi
house and dooryard was now perfecktly
overAowed with oriice seekers, all clam
erus for immejit interview with Olt
Abe. One man from Ohio, who had
about sevan inches of corn whiskey into
him, misstuck me for Old Abe and ad
dressed me as "The Prahayrie Flower o
the West!" Thinks you want orific,
putty bad. Another man with gold
headed cane and red nose told Old Alb
he was "seckind Washington and tn
pride of the Bonnliss West!"
Sez /, Square, We wouldn't take
small post orifce fyou could git it, wo''
youH'
Sez he, "a patrit is abuv them things
; sir"
) "There's a putty big crop of patrit
this season, amt there Square?" seq
, when another crowd Of oriice seeker
poured in. The house, door-yard, bar
and woodshed was now all full, and whe
, another crowd cum I told 'em not to 6
away for want of room as the hog PEI
} was still empty. One patrit from smal
, town in Mishygan went on top the house
r got into the chimney and slid down int
: the parlor where Old Abe was endeveri
to keep the hungry pack OF orifice-seeker
+ from chawing him mp alive without tn
benefit of clergy. The mint he reache
} the fire place he jumpt up, brusht the ST
: out of his eyes, and yelled, "Dont max
eny pintment at the Spunkville postoffic
till you've read my papers. All the re
) spektful men in our town is signers t
that thar dockymentr'
, Good Godl" cried Old Abe, "the
cum upon me from the skizs-down I'll
5 chimneys, and from the bowels of tn
l yearth." He hadn't more'n got ther
| words out OF his delikit mouth bed 2 ia
= orifice seekers from Wisconsin, in en-
= deverin to crol atween his legs for tn
: purpose of applyin for tollgateship @
1 Milwawky, upset the President eleck an
l he would hev gone sprawlin into the tir'
= place if | hadn't cot him in these YARN
e But | hadn't more'n stood him STRAIT
al another man cum crushin down Il
. chimney. his he'd strikin me vilently agi
| The inards & prostratin nv voluptoor
) form onto the flor. "Mr. Linkin.
e shoutid the infatooated bein, "my paper
Q is sincd by every klergyman in our towr
9 d likewize the SIX koolmaster."
See l, "you egreiis ass" gitten mp {
l brushin the dust ont from my eyes, al W
: sine yer papers with this bunch of bones
: if You don't be a little more keerful ho
9 you make my bread baskit depow in II
J. future. How do you like that air PEI