The Shasta courier., 1861-02-16
Artemus Ward.


Artemus Ward.
This great Snowman has written great let
ter on the Union. 1t completely knocks the
socks off either SCOTS or Burch's letter. Hear
him:
line union Man. luv the Union from the
bottom of mi hart. | luv every hoop pole in
Elaine and every shepe ranch in Texas. The
kow pasthrs of M Hampshire ar as dear A
Ward, as the rice plantashuns of Mississippy-
There is mean taters in both them ar States, &
thar is likewise good men and troo. 1t don't
look very pretty for lot ov infamitory indis
vidooals, who never lifted their Hands in de-
fense of Ameriky, or did the fust thing towards
sekewrin our independence, to git their backs up
and sware theyl dissolve the Union. Too much
blood was split courtin and marryin thai high
ly respectable female, the Goddess of Liberty, 2
get divorce at this late day. The old gal be-
haved herself too well cast her off now, at the
request of passel Nv addle 5raned men and
wimmin, who never did nobody no good and
never will again. line sorry the pictur NV the
Goddess never give her no shuse or stockins,
but the band of stars around her he'd must kon-
timer to shine brighter as long as the Erth kon-
timers reyolve on its axeltree.
Too resoom-G Washington was a clear he'd
ed, warm-harted, brave and stedy goin man.
He never sLoPr OVER The prevalin weakness
OF most publik men is to SLOP OVERl TPut
them words in large letters. A. WI Tha rush
things-they travail too much on high presher
principul. Tha git inter the popler hobby hoss
who travails along, not carn cint "whether
the beast is ever goin." clear sighted and sound
or spawned, blind and bawky. Of corse they
get throde eventooally if not sooner. When tha
sea the multitood goin it blind, tina go to Pei
Mel with it instid of xertin themselves too set il
rite. Tha kant see that the kroud which is
now bearing them triumfantly on its shoulders
will soon diskiver its error, & then kast them
inter the boss pond nv oblyviun, without the
slitest hesitashun. Washington never Slopi
Over. That wasn't Georges stile. He wasnt
after the spiles. He was hooman angel in a 3
kornered hat and nee britches and we shant
his like rite ava. Ny friends we kant all
Washingtons, but we can all be patriots, & bhave
ourselves in a christian human manner. When
We G a brother goin down hill Room, let us
seeze rite hold on his koat tales & drag him
back Mortality.
While on Western tour he writes to Vanit,
Fair thus:
Since last rit you I've met with immense
ticly at Detroit. | put up at Mr. Russel's tavern
too, but am sorry to inform you that the clerks
tride to cum Gouge Game on me. BRAN
dished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased
watch round considerable, Il as | was dresst in
my store clothes & had lot of sweet-scented
wagon-grease on my hair, am free to confess
that thought lookt putty gay. 1t never once
struck me that lookd green. But up steps a
clerk Il axes me hadn't better put my watch
in the Safe. "Sir!" seq /, "that watch cost
sixteen dollars | Yes Sir, every dollar of it i
You can't cum it over me, my boy Not at all,
Sir" | know'd what the clerk wanted He
wanted that watch himself. He wanted to make
believe as tho he ockt it up in the safe, then he
would set the house fire and pretend as tho
the watch was destroyed with the other proper
ty But he caught Tomarter when he got
hold of me. From Detroit l go Westard hoe
On the cars was he-lookin female, with a
green-cotton umbreller in one hand and hand
ful of Reform tracks in the other. She sed every
woman should have a Spear. Them as didn't
demand their Spears, didn't know what was
good for them. "What is my Spear ?" she
axed, addressin the people in the cars. ais it
to stay to hum and darn stockins & be the SER
ldue of domineerin man? Or is it my Spear
to vote speak & show myselfthe ekal of man?
Is there sister in these keers that has her pro.
per Spear2" Saying which this eccentric fe-
male whired her umbreller round several
times, 4 finally jabbed me in the weskit with it..
have no objecshuns to your goin into the
Spear bizness," sez |, but you'll please remem-
Der aint pickiril. Don't Spear me agin, if
You please" She sot down.
AT Ann Arbor, being seized with sudden
faintness, | called for a drop of suthin to drink
As | was stirin the beverage up, a pale-faced
man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon nv
shoulder, 4 sed, "Look not upon the wine when
it is red!'
Sez ], Z" This amt wine. This is Old Rye"
ar stingeth like an adder and 5iteth like a Sar-
pint" sed the man.
"lgues not" sed l, "when you put sugar in
it. That's the way alters take mine.D
Hav you sons grown up, Sir2' the man
axed.
"Wal," replide, as l put myself outside nv
beverage, "my son ARrEMus junior, is going on
1872
"Ain't you afraid if you set this EXAMPLE be4
him, he'll cum to bad end ~
Hes cum to q waxed end already. He's
learning the shoe-making bizness," replide.-
81 guess we can both on us git along without
your assistance, Sir" | observed, as he was
about to open his mouth agin.
"a This is cold world !" said the man.
"Thats so. But you'll get into a warmer one
by and by, you don't mind your own bizness
better" | was little riled at the TELLER be-
cause never take anythin only little when |
really need it. | afterwards learned he was a
temperance lecturer, and if he can injuce men
to stop settin their inards on FIRE, with tie
miserable Ticker which is retailed round the
country, shall hartily rejoice. Better Civ men
Prusick Assid to onct, than to pizen EN- to deth
by degrees.
At Albion I met with overwhelmin success
The celebrated Albion Female Seminary isqo.
Gated here, L there air over 800 young ladies in
the lnstitushun pretty enuff to eat withou sea-
sonin or sass. The young ladies was very kind
to me, Voluntearin to pin my handbills onto the
backs of their dresses. 1t was surblime site
to see over 500 young ladies goin round with q
advertisement of A. Wards unparalleled show
conspickusly posted onto their dresses.
MATRIMONIAL EssESTIALs-The poet of tbs
San Juan Press writes:
In Rocky Dell
Two maidens dwell,
Both gentle, kind and merry:
And courted by two gallant lads
Who both desire to marry.