Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1861-06-08
Artemas Ward in the Southern Con-
federacy-His Show is Confscated.

Ou neN perhaps NouutIcu ildItd-
bouts was for these many dasc past
and gone. Perchans you sposed I'd
gone to the Toomb of the CappyletS,
tho [ don't know what those is. It's a
poplar .noospaper Erase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that
ye may here:
I've been among the Seseshers, a
earnin my daily peck by mi legitimite
perfeshun, and haven't had no time to
weeld my facile quill for the "Grate
Komick Paper" if you will allow me to
kote from your troothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and l like
wise had narrer scape of my life.
If What I've bin threw is 'Suthern
hospitality" bout which we have hearn
so much, then | feel bound to obsarye
that they made too much fine. They
were altogether too lavish of their at
tenshuns
went amung the seceshurs with no
feelings Of annermosity. ! went in mi
perfeshunal capacity. | was actooated
by Of the most lottiest desires which
can swell the human boozum, viz: too
give the people there munies worth by
shown them Sagashus Beests and wax
Statoots, which [ venter to say are on
surpast by any other statoots enywhere.
[ will not call that man who sez my
statoots are humbugs liar and hoss
thief, but bring him be4 me and | will
Wither him with one Of my skornftlll
froWns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my
travis threw the Sonny South | heared
y heap of talk about Seseshun and
Dustin up the Union, but | didn't think
it amounted 2 nothin. The politicians
in awl the villages was swearing that
Old Abe (Sumtimes called the Prahay-
RE fower) shouldn't never,be noggera-
ted. They awlso made fools Of their
selves in varlus ways, but as they was
used to that I didn't let it worry me
much, and the stars and stripes contin-
lgagcd for to wave over mi little tent
Moor over, / was son Of Malty, and
a member of several other Temperans
SoSieties, and mi wife she was a Daw-
ter Of Malty, and ! sposed these fax
would secoor me the infioonz and per
lection Of all the fust fameries. Alas,
I was dispinted. State arter State Sc
seshed, and it growed hotter for the
undersigned. Things came to a climb
macks in small town i'll Alabamy,
where I was premtorally ordered to
haul down the Stars and Stripes. A
deppytashun Of red faced men came
up to the door Of mi tent where I was
standin takin muney (the AFTERNOON ex-
hibishun bad comnenst, and my Ital-
yum organist was jerking his soul stir
riu chimeS) "Wc air cum, Sir" sed
a miIlingtary man in cockt hat, "upon
q high and holy misshun. The South
ern eagle is screamin threwout this
sonny land, proudly and defantly
screamin, SIR
"N-hat's the matter with him ?'' sez
I; "don't his vittles set well on his
stumnlick %
ssThat eagle, sir, will continner to
scream al over this brite and trcmen-
jus land p
"W all, let him scream. IF our eagle
can amuse himself by scream.n, let him
wentr' The men annoyed me- for l
was bizzy making change.
awe are cum, sir, upon matter Of
dooty''-
you're right, captin; its every Is
duty to visit my show" sed |.
1--WE are cum
"And that's the reason YOU are
here" sez | larfn one Of mi silyery
larfs. | thawt if he wanted to COAX
I'd give him some of my sparkling ep-
pygrams.
"Sir, you're inserlent. The plain
question IS, will you haul down the stal
spangled banner, and hist the Southern
flag p
Mary histr Those was my reply.
Your wax-works and beests is then
confiscated, & you air arrested as a
spy
Scz I, "My fragrant roses Of the
southern cline and blooming dafodils,
what's the price Of whiskey in this
town. and how many cubic feet of that
seductive Aooid can you ipdisldooally
| hold %
They maid no reply to that, but said
my wax fggers was contiscated. | ak
ed 'em if that was jinerally the style
among thievesin that country, to which
they also made no reply, but sed was
arrested as spy, and must go to Mont
gomery in turns. They was by this
time jincd by a large crowd OF other
southern patrits, who comrnenst holler-
in, SIIang the bald headed aberlition'
ist, and bust up his immoral exhlbl-
/ ton - | was ceazed and tied to a
stump, and the crowd went for my
tcnt-that water proof pavllyun, where