Daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1865, 1861-10-14
VARIETIES OF OLD MAID.


First, the old maid NTH money. She is
charming in her way. True, she has never
been pretty but she dresses so elegantly,
has such u graceful manner, and is so
thoroughly well-bred, that you cannot help
admiring Claribel. She is certainly not
lovely. Her face is somewhat of the pud-
ding cast, though her eyes are expressive !;
her waist is refractory, and will have moth
ing to do with tight-lacing; she wears n
dress with train-nothing less-and
charitably sweeps your carpet as she
moves along she has six hundred pounds
a year, and spends sixth of it in dress
she appears mostly in satins, which seem
to be her peculiar fancy; she has white
satin for the evening, and a fawn-colored
satin for the morning; she hires pony
carriHge. with stout, ste6dy-going horse,
and diminutive boy behind she has little
mercy on the horse, and willdriYe him thir-
ty miles without a feed on one occasion
she attempted TO drive him up a mountain,
and succeeded in getting certain distance,
but in coming down again the carriage
stuck; she got and placed herself grace
fully on u block of stone, appealing to the
boy to extricate the vehicle, and then set
to and screamed for half an hour without
success; SIZE believes herself pOetical, and
delights in poetry, which, however, she
never reads; her history is romantic, bat
sad, and she is not at all ashamed to
whisper portions of it to you in the thrill
ing accents of injured innocence; she is
the victim of an unrequited attachment
for years her susceptible heart has been
beating in vain for William Mactavish,
who, if he does not spurn her, rs Paris did
Euone, cannot make up his mind 10 mat
rimony and the stout Claribel; not that
her passion has been feeding in secret on
her damRsk cheek: far from it-unablc to
declare it directly to the object of her at
tachment, she tells everybody about it,
and calls for sympathy for her melancholy
lot; she tells 1t TO me in her eyes, in the
constant invitations with Which sue plies
him, and even in poems which she employs
a friend to compose, and asks him to read
as her own; she imagines herself to be
consumptive, though, apparently. in as
good health as her habits admit of; she is
never up till eleven and at noon consoles
herself with the highly poetic-nnd fat
tening-repast of oysters and porter; then
the poor 1elicate flower of fiye-and-thirty
reclines on the sofa till the arrival of ''the
carriage" and so she passes her weary life
away.
The two Miss Woodpeckers belong to
two classes of old maids:-Barbara is a
mGlGiie iaagindire, and, on the strength of
it is as irritable as can be, and Clytemnes-
tya is strong-minded and lecturer. Bar
Gara has tried every cure for complaint
which never can be cured by drugs and
patties, being nothing else than temper
Cold water and hot water, vegetable diet
and full living, the movement cure, the
grape-cure, the mud-cure, the open-air
cure-for which the patient is tied to
chair, carried out to a windy place, and
left there for six hours; all have failed to
make her more satisfied with herself, or
more agreeable to her friends. She is al
ways "a little worse to-day and yet new
er gets to dying point; she detcsts sympa-
thy, yet is angry if you don't offer it, she
moves from sofa to u bath-chair, and
from bath chair 10 sofa, and groans
necessarily; she has wretched be-
ing with her, whom she calls her nurse, but
do not remember any nurse who ever
staid with her more than three months;
the place would kill Hercules, and drive
Job to the use of bad language; she is
never satisfied with these nurses-neyer
gives them "thank you = never smiles at
them. Betsy, for instance, is as strong as
n man and as gentle as a lamb, and lifts
her mistress most carefully into tile chair;
she is rewarded by shrek: "Qh, you
awkward, clumsy creature, you have near
ly killed me. There, put that cushion
better. oh dear, ohI dear, what it is to
be surrounded by idiots and foOls.n An
Didn't tell you not to touch the cushion.
It was perfect before, clumsy, stupid
thing.n Betsy murmurs that she was told
to arrange the cushion. tOh you dare to
answer me; indeed, you dare to give me
the lie. where do you hope to go to, if
you tell lies like that?" and so on. She is
bearable in company for while-so long
os you do not differ from her in opinion.-
Once do that, and she is down upon you.
Then, too, when she has got an idea into
her head, nothing can alter it'll knew it
was the Neapolitans who were beaten, she
insists. You fetch the newspaper to prove
she is wrong. "oh, who in their senses
ever dreamed of believing newspaper.-
OF course they have their own motive for
saying So" and so on.
The eccentric old maid is not always Of
fensfve, unless having money, rank, or posi-
ton; she consoles herself for Celibacy by
indulging in tyranny. The country lady
is generally an instance of this. Ten
ants are not quite serfs in the present
day, bat when a tenant has a farm or
house which suits him, which he has i'm
proved or furnished at considerable out
lay, he will naturally endure good deal
rather than risk being turned out. Still
more the poor man, whose very bread de-
pends ON his remaining in his parish
Miss Grufkin. of Longacres Hall, is
Just such u petty tyrant as one meets
among landowners at times. She is em-
inentiy eccentric, wears a Quaker-bon-
net and drab shawl, and drives about in
a doukey-carriage. She is good.hearted,
and will do all kinds of benevolent things
at times, but her peculiarities are very