The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1861-04-03
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
- Be sure you are right and then go

ahead.
= Among the advertisements in late
London paper, we read that "two sisters
want washing"
- An 1rishman once observed that
mile stones were kind enough TO answer
your questions without giving you the
trouble to ask them.
-"What do you propose to take for
your coldp
go, III sell very cheap; I won't hig-
gle about the price,"
= A negress speaking Of one of her
children, said of one who was lighter col
orcd than the rest, 9" never could bear
dat ar brat, kase he show Girt so easy"
- To cure hams, first ascertain what
is the matter with them. Then apply
the proper remedies; and if you do not
succeed in curing them, it isn't your fault.
= If you wish to dispense with but.
ter, take sweet, plump damsel TO wife,
and, if you love her, you can relish your
crust and coffee at breakfast without any
but her.
= How many currents are there r.
Three, red white and black; black cur
rent in the Black Sea, white current in
the White Sea, and red current in the
Red Sea.
- Different sounds travel with differ.
ent velocity-a call to dinner will run over
a ten-acre LOT in a moment and half,
while summons TO return 10 work takes
from five to eight minutes.
=" How do you and your wife get
along9" 80, rather badly; she gave her
hand year ago, and | thanked her, but
she gives it to me now every time dare
to speak, and I'd thank her not to-"
- Jones and Brown met at the post
Office. Jones complains of bad smell
about the office, and asks Brown what il
can be? Brown doesn't know, unless it
may be the large number of dead letters
"A widow lady, sitting by cheerful
fire in a meditative mood, shortly after
her husbands deceased, sighed out:
"Poor fellow-how he did like good
firel l hope he has gone where they keep
good fires"
= A youth, after yainly striving to
explain some scientific theory TO his fair
inamorata, said: "The question is diff
cult, and | don't see what / can do to
make it clearer" "Suppose you pop it,"
whispered the blusbing damsel.
"Ma,' said little urchin, peeping
from beneath the bed-clothes, 81 am cold,
l want some more clothes on my bed"
"Lie still, my DEAR" said the mother,
"until your sister comes from church; she
has got the comforter for a bustle."
= A fellow in an oblivious state took
up his lodgings on the sidewalk. He
awoke the next morning, and straighten-
ing, looked at the ground on which he
had made his couch. Well, if / had a
pick-axe," said he, "I would make up
my bed"
- .'Why, Sambo, how black you are,"
said gentleman, the other day, to a ne
gro water at hotel; show in the world
did you get SO blackF"
"Why, look here, massa, dc reason
am dis-de day dis chile was born dar
was an eclipse"
Mother, I shouldn't be surprised
if Susan gets choked."
"Why, my sonW
because John Wipsy twisted his arms
around her neck the other night, and if
she had not kissed him to let her 90 he
would have strangled her."
A couple of old topers in some way
got into quarrel, and for some time
hurled all the approved blackguardism of
the pot house at each other, when one Of
them determined to extinguisb the other
Immediately, exclaimed:
"Go, / have no more TO say; / scorn
you rs do glass Of water"
= A young man having lost his
watch land being weary Of looking for
it, remarked that he supposed it had gone
to h-ll by this time.
"Wel," observed his father, who was
near by, "be contented, for you will be
quite likely to find it again"
- An old lady was in the habit of
talking to Jerrold in gloomy, depressing
manner, presenting TO him only the sad
side of life.
Hang it, said Jerrold one day, after
a long and solemn interview, "she wo'd-
Mt allow there was bright side to the
moon."
=" Where are you goingw said a
young gentleman TO an elderly one in a
white cravat, whom he overlook few
miles from Chicago.
81 am going to heaven, my son; have
been on my way there for eighteen
years.