The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1861-06-13
Artemus Ward in the South.


had q Dnrrer escape from the sonny
South. "The swings aud urrers of out.
rajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick
warn't notbin in comparison to my trou.
bles. l came pesky near swearing sum
profane oaths more'n opct, but l hope
didn't do it, for I've promist she whose
name shall be nameless Except that her
initials is Betsy j } that I'll jine the
Meeting House at Baldiusville, jest as
soon as l can sorape money enuf togeth.
er SO 1 can ford to be piuss in good stile,
like my wealthy nabers. But if I'm con-
fsticated agin I'm afraid shall contin-
ner on in my present benitcd state for
sum time.
l 6ggered corspicyusly in many thrill
lin scenes in my tower from Montgomery
to my humstead, and on several occa.
sions l thought "the CRATE komic paper"
wouldn't never be enriched no more with
my lubric alton. After bidden adoo to
Jefferson D. started for the depot. l
saw niger sittiD on fence a-playiu on
banjo. "My Afrikin Brother" sed l,
cotin from a Track l onct read, "you
belong to q very interestin race. Your
m masters is going to war Exclusively on
your account
ayes. boss" he replied, "sn Il wish
em honorable gravesI" and he went on
plsyiu the banjo. lar6n all over and open
in his mouth wide enouf to drive in an
old fashioned 2.wheeled cbaise..
The train of cars 10 which l was to
trust my walerable life was the scaliest,
rick yticst lookin' lot of consarns that |
ever saw on wheels afore. "What time
does this string of second hand collins
leayer | inquired Of the depot master.
He said direckly, and l went in and sOt
down. l hadn't more'n fairly squatted
afore a dark lookin' man, with swinis,
ter expression onto bis coDntenan,e, en-
tered the cars and lookin' very sharp at
me, he axed what was my principles!
"Seceshl" answered. I'm q Disso-
Iuter. I'm in favor of JEFF Davis. Boure-
gard, Pickens. Captain Kidd, Bloobeard
Munro Edsrds, the Devil. Mrs. Cunning
ham. and all the rest of 'em."
you're in favor of the war!"
"Certainly. By all means. I'm in
favor of this war and also Of the next
war. I've been in favor Of the next war
for over sixteen yearsl'
'War to the knifel" said the man.
"Blud, Fargo, blud!" sed l, (tho them
words isn't origgernal with me.) Them
words was writ by Shakespeare, Who is
ded. His mantle fell onto the author oi
"The Seven Sisters" who's going to have
a Spring overcost u ade out of it.
We got under way at larst, an pro
ceeded on our jerney at about the rate oi
speed which is ginrally obsarved by prop
erly conducted funeral procession. A
bansum young gal, with red musketel
bar on the back part of her he'd, and q
sassy little black hat tipt over her forred
sot in q scat with me. She wore little
Sesesh flag pin'd into her hat, and she
was a goin for to see her troo love, who
had jined the Southern army, all so bold
and gay. So she told me. She va:
chilly and offered her my blanket.
"Father ligiDgl" l axed.
"Yes SIR"
"Got any Unclel"
"a heap. Uncle Thomas is ded tho
"Pease to Uncle Thomas ashes. and
success to himl l will be your Uncle
Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Sc
cesher. and linger in blissful repose."-
She slept as secoorly as in her own hous
en-, and didn't disturb the sollum still
ness Of the night with 'ary snore.
At the first station troop of Sojer'
entered the cars and inquired if "Olf
Wax Works" was on board. This wa
the disrespective stile in which they re-
ferred to ne. "Becawz il Old Wax
Works is on bored," sez man with ;
face like double breasted lobster I'VE n
going to hang Old Wax Works!"
"My illustrious and patriotic Bum
mersw ses l, getting up and taking or
my Shappoo. "if yu allude to A. Ward
it's my pleasin dooty to inform you tba
he's ded. He saw the errer of bis wayl
at l5 minits past 2 yesterday. and stab
bed hisself with stulfed sledstake, dy
!, ing 10 Eve beautiful tabloos to slow moo
sicl His last words was: My periesh
ernal career is overl | jerk no more!
"And who be you'll"
"Im stooient in Senator Benjamin
law ofsss. I'm going up North TO stea
sum spoons and thiugs for the Southern
army" :.
/ This was satisfactory, and the intossi
Gated troopers went orf.
AT the next station the pretty little So
cesher awoke and sed she must get on
there. bid her kind adoo aud civ
her sum provisions. Accept my blessil