Juliet signal., 1861-05-14
Artemus Ward In Washington,

My DEAR BILLY BowLEos II hone Won
are still prosperin' in the show bisness
there is nothin' like it after all. AsIbay
got through safe to Washington, notwith-
standing MIR. Pinkerton gave me a great
many cautions, and as am out of the show
nisness as you know, / thought would
drop you line to tell you how nicely am
getting along. The first few hundred miles
l travelled thought / never met so many
fools In ell my life, and they all seemed IN
know me. Eyrey feller was askin' when
would show at his place, and what would
be performed, and whether | still ,ook in
poor people at half price. so to nut ston
to this noosance, and let everybody know
that had quit the show bisness. I inst
stopped at a stenciler's. and gout him 10
cut me out n set Of large brass letters which
arranged round the rim of nv hat so as 10
read: Minister of the Penitentiary
This stopped all inquiry about the show
oisness; but you see every body had to be
enlightened as to where got my offs, and
where was goin'; and as soon rs / would
tell them all about il, you ought to have
1eaFc how they would boiler hurrah for
oid Epei ana swear they always knew
mere would ce some way found to bring
thin secessioners to terms.
When got to Washington nearlv tho
hrst man met was Uncle Abe lie grabbed
my hand and gave regular pumphandle
shake or two, and so how are you Artemus?
what's that on your hat? That Why,
says l, is 1t possible you have forgot YOUR
appintment you sent me? Everybody says
IL is the best thing you ever did, and I've
Just put them letters on SO everybody will
know my bisness without askin questions.
fp ~
jumped up and cracked his heels together
tnTee times, and SAYS he, Artemus, you are
a 6uH cut, sure. Now come right along
INTO my oihs, L have some private matters
to tell you about, says he; and so we hur.
ried along and were soon seated in the ofis
all alone.
Now, says he, Artemus, you are nv min
ister, and of course | can talk TO Won freely
ana conhdentlally about matters. Yox
oct" says |, Uncle Abel always keen ey.
eryihing that's told me. Il didn't tell him
1 had a mental reservation somewhere to
keep them goin.) Well, says he, the fact
OF the 5isness Is this: after the election was
over, last fall, aud the South to kick up
bout me bein an abolitionist, and swearln
they would secesh, and all that; | thought
1t was only Democratic trick to see if the
Republicans wouldn't abandon their olat-
form. Well, you see, Artemus. it made me
feel awful gritty, and told all nv friends,
Just let 'em secesh if they dare, and I'd
bring them round in a hurry. You see
didn't think they would be such internal
fools as TO secesh anyhow: but they did.
and here l am in fix. Every cuss that
carried an lie lamp for me last fall. is
| swearin that Old Abe won't back down.
and that he will lick these secessioners in
again IN less than no time all of which |
understand to mean that If | don't do all
this, they'll swear Pve betrayed the par
ty.
SO you see in the first place, I didn't
mean anything particular by what | said
and If had it would be ali the same. for
it's impossible to do anything with these
southern fellers only as they please any,
how, so We may as well acknowledge their
independence first as last but the devil of
1t is, to reconcile my friends to it.
just hold on minet. says !, Uncle Abe,
and let me talk. You know two heads are
better than one, etsettera; introdooce some
new measure that will be very popular with
the party; aGd while they are ali in a yery
good humor, let 'em go. You see, Uncle
ABE, there's one all important pint YOU
must keep in view-that is, we Republicans
are dreadful fond Of the niggers. If you
can Just make them believe you're helpin
the niggers any way, you can do ANYTHING
else you please, and will be all right NV
l suppose if put you on a plan for gittin
over this difficulty, and reconcile the party
to secession, won't lose my offs by it?-
No, no.. you shall have that offs for life.
says Uncle Abe. Agreed, savsI, Then
here's my plan. I'd call an extra session
OF Congress after little, so as to make
| everybody believe that some wonderful inn
| portant 5'sress was to be done. I'd COM
mence the message with the usual harangue
about the wonderful favors of Providence.
etsettera, not because any Of the politicians
care snap about Providence, or believe
that he bothers himself at all lookin after
such small matters but you see it helps
to keep the preachers on cur side, and its
such powerful help in lectioueerin to have
these iellers to
! "Grunt up real gospel groan.
And Damn all parties but their ownp