Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1861-09-07
Fact, Fancy and Fun.

Engaging occupation--popping
the question.
Sit in your own place and no man
can make you rise.
Where the bee sucks honey, the
spider sucks poison.
w hen every one takes care fhim-
self, care is taken of all.
Why is Great Britain like hcn2
Because her s un never sets.
Why is man half asleep like
twice six? ? Because he is a doz-in.''
Why is four-quart Jug like a la
dy's side-saddle Because it holds a
gallon.
Why is a woman living up two
pair of stairs like a goddess? Because
She is a second fora.
Most men seem to be very poor
mathematicians they are never able
to calculate beyond No. l.
Husband, / can't express my de-
testation of your conduct" 'WeH,
dear, I'm very glad you can't"
--Beneft your friends, that they may
love you still more dearly; benefit your
enemies, that they may become your
friends.
Mrs. Dowdy says that one of her
boys don't know nothing, and the 9TH
er does. The question is, which knows
the most.
Men talk of victory as if it were
something fortunate. Work s victo-
ry. Whenever work is done, victory
is obtained.
-"Why did Adam bite the apple %
said the school master to one of his pu-
pills. "Because he hadn't any knife"
replied the urchin.
A fellow in Southampton, with d
railway imagination, wants to know
now long it will be before they open
the eluaaoctiaI line.
Many q poor woman thinks she
can do nothing without husband;
and when she gets one, finds she can
no nothing with him.
Why is beehive like bad pota-
to? Because beehive is a bee-hol-
der, and beholder is a spectator, and
q speck-tator is bad potato.
If the Union can't be restored, we
might as well have no more doctors or
drug stores. We shall have nothing
to live for.-LouisUiUe Journal
"A gentleman having presented his
church with the sFten commandments
it was wittjly said that he gave them
away because he could not keep them.
-''1Iil<e, and is it yerself that can
be afther telling me how they make ice
crane Z" "In truth | can; don't they
bake them in cowld ovens, to be sure.'
Somebody says "the thing called
chiyalry, is queer jade" It is
good deal like the toast Of WigfalI him
self, 'inyincible in peace, invisible in
war"
One Of the best looking girls in
the Troy Seminary is red Eaired girl
from Vermont. Out of compliment to
her hair they call her the "torch of
love-"
A firm faith is the best theology;
q good life the best philosophy; clear
conscience the best law; honesty the
best policy and temperance the best
physic.
PITY the "oppressed and the down
trodden7 as the rattIe-snake said when
he saw that the man he had been try
ing to bite was getting the best Of the
contest.
An Trishman took the cars at Bos-
ton for Worcester. On jumping from
the cars he remarked. that eff he had
known he could have made the journey
in SO short time he would have walk
ed foot.
There is {, brave old maid in this
village VINO says that she can't under
stand why such fuss should be made
about bearing soldiers arms-she
believes she could bear arms without
the least difficulty.
-''Pa, will you answer me ques-
ton 2" "Certainly, MY boy" DWELL,
pa, is the world round 2" eyes, of
course ''Well, then, pa, if the world
is round, nov can it come to an end %
There, now, that will do-you can run
out and play
An excellent old lady iii describ-
ing fearful event of her life, when she
was rnn away with in u two horse vehi-
Gle, wound up with saying that she
ssput the frmest reliance on Providence
until the breeching broke, and then
she gave right up.''