The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-09-25
The Fat Home Guard.

Contributor, (Grlswold,) has Joined
the vallient "Home Guards" He tells
his experience thus
The moment the flag was threaten
ed, large bodies of men were called
upon to rally in its defence. Being
large bodied man, I rallied and enrol
led myself in the Home Guards. The
drill is very severe on me this hot
weather | am living paradox, for
while getting Hardee, / am daily
growing weak. Talk about the "time
that tried mems souls" these are the
times that tries mems fat if they have
got any. The captain takes pleasure
in putting me through at a double
quick step. When go off / think it
will be with a "double quick" con-
sumption.
I am constantly reminded that one
of the first requirements of a soldier
is to throw out his chest and draw in
his stomach. Having been burned
out several times while occupying
rooms in the attic, / have had consid-
cradle practice in throwing out my
chest" but by what system Of practice
could l ever hope to draw in my
stomachi / can't "9ress up" it's no
use trying If my vest buttons are
in line, | am far in the rear, aud if /
toe the mark, q fearful bulge indicates
my position. (1here is no room for
argument in regard to my sentiments
everybody can see at a glance just
aChere | stand One evening we had
q drill sergeant who was near sighted.
Running his eyes down the line, he
exclaimed sharply, "What is that man
doing in the ranks with a bass drum?p
He pointed at me, but I hadn't any
drum, it was the surplus stomach |
couldn't draw in. las
| am tha but of numberless jokes rs
you may well suppose Although in
respectto size I belong to the shea
vies," my preference is for Light In
fantry service. Ny knapsack is mark
ed Light Infantry. One evening
spectators seemed convnlsed about
something and my comrades Uttered
by platoons whenever my back was
turned. It,swas all a mystery to me
until I laid off my knapsack. Some
wretch had erased the two final letters
and I had been parading all evening
labelled, LIGHT IRFANT The above
is one OF the Thousand annoyances to
which am subjected, and nothing but
my consuming patriotism could ever
induce me to submit to it. | rallied
at,the call OF my country, and am not
to be put out by the rollyng of my
comrades.
| overheard spectator inquire of
the drill sergeant oIe day
"Do you drill the whole of him at
once ?"
"No," he returned in an awful
Whispes, II drill ham by squads"
/ would have drilled him il | had
had "a bayonet.
Specifications have been published
in regard to my aniform and contrac-
tors advertised for. The making will
be let out TO the lowest responsible
bidder In case the Home Guards
are ordered to take the field, special
Conmissary will be detailed to supply
my rations. That reminds me of a
narrowing Incident. On dfil last
night, an old farmer who dropped ia
to see us drift, took me aside and said
he wanted to sell me yoke Of pow
erful oxen.
"-My ancient agriculturist," said /
smiling at his simplicity, II have no
use for 4oxen."
Perhaps not at present, 2 qnoth
he, "but if you go to war you will
want tnem." .a5
"For what" said !, feeling consid
erably annoyed.
WANT em to draw your rations p
The Guards paid me delicate com
pliment at their last meeting. They
elected me Child of the Regiment
with the, rank of lst Compliant, land
the pay of the chief "Blowyer.pa |
was about to returl thanks in neat
and appropriate speech when q re-
porter who was present assured me
that il was no nse-he had got the
whole thing in type. speech and all,
and | could read it in the evening
papers. He said they kept meat
and appropriate speech" standing in
type continually. I got his vifws
and held my peace.