davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
The Ubiquiiy Of Patents.

The Scientific American, in noticing u
new patent bier for lowering coffins into
graves, indulges in the following strain in
reference to patents:
"The life Of this age, most assuredly,
moves on patent inventions. The infant is
wrapped in linen which has been woven
on patent loom, from yarn spun upon n
patent frame, and he draws his first drop
of nourishment from his mothers breast
through patent nipple shield. The girl
fondles patent doll, the boy whris pat.
cnt top or plays with ball which is made
under one Of the most valuable patents Of
the age. In later life we put on French,
yoke shirt, which, with the rest Of clothes,
is sewed on patent machine, with patent
thread, by patent needle, which comes
enveloped in patent wrapper; and our
very boots are made of patent leather
We rise in the morning from patent clip
tic spring bed, undo the patent fastening Of
our windows, roll up our patent curtains,
open the patent locks of doors, which were
constructed by patent machinery, and 60
down to our coffee, which is made in pa
tent "Old Dominion" pot. We write with
one of Morton's pens, which we dip into
patent ink in a patent stand Thus, sur
rounded by patents, we pass our life, which
is filled with gorgeous dreams of making
splendid fortune by some patent inven.
ton of our own, till at last we are placed in
patent burial case, and lowered from q
patent bier into our final place Of rest
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
Progress.
We have the pl:asure Of laying the fol-
lowing cloud dispatches before our readers

lowing cloud dispatches before our readers
MID AIR, (lOm. below Heaven) July !.
DEAR WINFIELD :--Tncre are 74,999
troops in Richmond, and not 10000 as er.
roneously stated in the New York Herald
and the Flag Of our Union.
AS near as can ascertain from my pre-.
sent altitude, the rebels are prov>ioned as
follows: Five bales of cotton, four plates
of vanilla ice cream, six Of strawberry dit.
to, five barrels of flour, five bushels o
buckwheat cakes, one plate os ham and
eggs. one barrel of pork, two barrels of gin
cocktails twenty bottles ofbrandy smashes
three mint juleps, four whiskey punches
one sherry coblcr, and good deal of mo
lasseS candy.
Gen. Beauregard and staff are now hold
ing consultation as to the propriety oI
taking their liquor straight. In the way
Of ammunition they were well provided 70,
A letter has just been received rom jeff
Davis which | am hardly able to read, ow'
ing to the density of the atmosphere be,
meath me, the troops having lately loaded
their pipes.
Ben McCulloughis playing seven up with
the officers of the day. Trumps appear tc
be Benjamins portion.
Gen. Pillows body guard are going
through a change of shirts.
A man has just been detected in the act
of writing to his wife. He is now on his
way to the guard house as spy.
Yours, Lowry.
Here the wire ATTACHED to the balloon
broke
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

PLAYED Our. "coil of the Anacon.
da." For the sake ofour common humani-
ty; for the sake Of sensitive nerves; for the
sake of our national reputation for origin
ality, deliver us from all further allusion to
that coiling anaconda. Invent or use any
other term for our grand army, but let his
big snakeship go. Say that the big eagle
is going to swoop upon the rebcls-that the
big mastiff will tear the confederates to
pieces, or that our big rhinoceros will trans
fix secession with his tusk say anything,
but don't compare our fine volunteer force
to the loathsome shape the Devil first as
Sumed .-.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

fW- The Editor of the Upton Iowa)
Democrat has struck lead Of Of common
sense which will carry him into the haven
of Matrimony, or if he be already in that
blissful abode will render his wife so Joy,
ously jubilant that not shirt button will
be missing for long, long time. We in,
dorse the philosophy of our contemporary
and second the motion he makes in the las,
sentences. Read him:
WoMEN-God bless the Women. Men
may "rail' about their hoops, red pett
coats, tiounces, painted checks, "monkey
jsckets," &c, as much as they please, they
cannot set as at enmity with them; not at
all. Men, you're as crazy as a set Of grey
haired bed bugs; what could you do with
out them? Let US come into the world as
scraggy, red-taced, homely, and cross as it
is in the power OF the Almighty to form us,
and who are the first to extend to us hand
of pity? Our mothers Women. They
are richly deserving Of more praise than
has ever been or ever can be given them
Were it not for women what could man be
lie could mt "be" at ALL 1t is through the
instrumentality Of women that man has an
existence. Then let us unite in their ele
vation and praise. Obey and cherish your
mother; love and contide in your sister :;
honor and respect your lady friends; and
love, cherish and protect your wife, and you
will glide over the rough waters of life and
not feel the effects OF the least ripple.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

FOREIGN CELEBRITIES. the great
German Hamlet, is about to play Othello,
and, being sculptor, intends modelling u
statue of Shakespeare. Tupper has written
Il proverbial drama, entitled "Alfred."--
Miss Martineau will publish volume on
America" Alexander Smith will print
new poem in the fall Miss Bremen is in
Greece writing a book on the Modern Gre
clans" Bulwer will follow Dickens Great
Expectations with novel in AH the Year
bound. Herbert Spencer has been COM
pelled, by sickness, to suspend the serial
issue of his First Principles" Guizot has
has ended the fourth volume of Memories
of my Own Times" Millais has illustrated
Mulock's "Nothing New" DR.. Cumming
announces reply to Essays and Reviews
Edward Dicey will shortly publish "Me-
mor of Cayour," and another memoir,
from original sources, is in press by Mr..
Manwaring. The first volumes of Punch
are being republshed.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

sH-In the Daily Chicago Times we find
the following paragraph. The gentleman
npon whom the degree is conferred is Il
friend for whom we entertain the highest
regard, and writer to whom we pay pro,
found Difference; his pen has oftentimes
graced the columns of our own humble
Times
PERsoNAL.-Kenyon College, Cambria,
Ohio, has conferred the honorary degree OF
A. NJ. on John A. Nichols, Esq, Of this
city Mr. n. is the editor Of the Railacay
and Insurance Gazette, and the honor is
worthy bestowed.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
Betsy Smiths Dimculty.

Squire Wheat told me to come and see
you, bout my case" said rather pretty
girl to me, as she took seat in my Office,
one day during court. &. ~ a
"Ah! your case; well what sort Of .
case is ?''
MY name is Betsy Smith," sho replied
cvasively. ---..------. .,.
"Well, Miss Betsy, If your case Is q
State case, tell me what sort Of one It Is:
| havn't the docket here, and we'll talk
about it," "" "" '"
Betsy lodged behind the wild turkey
tail, which she carried by way Of fan,
| and then lodged out for moment to cx-
hibit pair of poutins lips and angry glanc.
ing eyes, II think you ought to know"
she said-"It's your business. suppose
it's some badness they've sworn ngin me"
and then she again retired behind the fan
for second but Immediately emerged and
commenced biting the tips Of the fingers.
You say, Sam Wheat sent you to me.
Is he your lawyers' ,.ljr8E.E
eyes, he's my lawyer, and wanted him
to come himself but he said must come;
for you would be certain to do as I wanted
you to; but don't know how it'll be. /
wish people could attend to thci own busi-
nessr
"But, Miss Betsy, what is your casey
Have you been beating anything little!
Or, perhaps
'No, 'tisn't that It's about inc and
John Bruce. Square Wheat said you'd DO
sure to throw it out of court, for he never
knew slister that wouldn't take GALS
part if she come herself. That the reason
| come" -.. .
"Well, Miss Betsy" l replied, "that is a
weakness most solicitors have; but unless
you tell me what you've been doing, can.
tell you what can do for you" The trutl.
is, | had some faint misgivings Of the char
acter of Betsy's ottense; but there's moth
ing like bringing ones female friends to the
confessional.
square can't you guess p 9acried
Betsy, as she vigorously nibbled the turkey
feathers. ,. -
"No, cant-for cant imagine that q
pretty girl like yourself should have com
mltted any sin worthy OF a grand jurys
attention"
"Pshaw, now pretty girls amt more
than other people. Buff you must know,
me and John Bruce amt married Thar
it's out nowi
1ou ana John Bruce amt married
Why Miss Betsy, there's no law know of,
requiring you and John Bruce to marry
and the fact is, that unless John is devil.
ish clever fellow, he dosn't deserve such
luck ~
Lord a-massy, Squire, how you talk
Looks like you mout understand me, it you
would. I tell you me and John Bruce
amt married, and we oughter Jsen long
ago!'
As Betsy hurricdly uttrr.d these lust
emphatic words, she hid her face and hands
IN her apron, and commenced sobbing very
energetically. The upshot Of It was. told
aiss Betsy, in the words of Scripture, to
go and sin no more. .n-Sscamp Louyer.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
gortb yotua Gimes.
TWO DOLLARS PER ANNUM.
McGREGOR, JULY 81, :: :: 1851
INB.p TAsrr.-A mass convention O.

In BAD TAsTE.-A mass convention o.
the Democracy Of Marion county in this
state was held a week or two since, at which
a series of resolutions were passed. W.
extract one and append it herewith:
"11th. That in the administration Of our
government during the last three months,
under Abraham Lincoln, we behold our be.
loved country distracted at home and dis.
sraced abroad" ..
Now, if the above means anything II
means that Lincoln is the cause Of our sac
domestic discord-a proposition which few
men can soberly affirm. Resolutions like
the above-and the opposite extreme, tc
wit, that this war must only end with the
abolition of slavery-are fire-brands which
stir up all the bad blood Of each section, and
merit the condemnation Of every true Tn.
ion man,
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

VERY BAD.-Col. Kerrigan of N. York,
Member Of the House, appeared in his
place in Congress on the 9th in military
undress and sword If the civil authori-
ty Of the country ii lost and swords and
|epaulettes carry the authority in delibera-
tive assembly Of the Union, we have only
to turn to the history Of France, Of Spain
Of Mexico and Of the South American ma
tons to see where we are drifting to.
The ambitious Col. X. should have been
led out Of the Hall of the House till his
respect for the Government got the better
of his vanity.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

ECCENTRIC PREAcHERs.--Among huu,or-
Gus and eccentric preachers, Father Andre
holds distinguished rank. Preaching in a
monastery which had recently been struck
by lightning, Father Andre expatiatcd up.
on the goodness of God, WAC took. as he
would show, special care of his children.
For" said he, "among other evidences,
consider what has happened TO this holy
house in which l am preaching. This
lightning struck the library and consumed
it, but injured not a single monk If, how
ever, it had unfortunately fallen upon the
dining room or buttery, how many would
have been killed, how many tears shed,
what desolation would have been seen -
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

Gregor. AS soon as there is any news to
write will write it for the benefit of your
readers. You observe that Haskell and
Felt are rather small marks for Scceshers
to hit--and am thinking it will require a
"globe sight" to get their measure, but you
must remember those little fellows are
growing mighty fast now. But enough for
the present. m ." .f#
Yours in Camp, PRINTER.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

Love AND HoRTIcULTuRE.-"Oh, Angel
ma" said the young hortculturst to his
love one evening, 'if you could only see
my Isabella. How each day develops new
beauties; SO graceful, so beautiful! Hang
ing over me SO tenderly. No honey so
sweet to the taste" Angelina suddenly
fell to the floor like fat.iron. "Villain!''
she cried, you love another" and swoon-
ed away. "Oh, have killed her." ex-
claimed the young horticulturist, jumping
up and wringing his hands. "Oh, Angs-
lima, don't, don't You mustn't for the
world, Angelina; didn't mean it; only
meant the crane zine.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
Made a March.

Made March.
The Missouri correspondent of the New
York Times writes in late letter that the
glory of the immortal Seventh is rivalled
in splendor, by late undertaking of the
est Iowa Regiment under Col. Bates" Ot
this undertaking he discourses as follows
"Thcy were thousand men, composed
of lawyers, doctors, handlers of yard sticks,
and the Youngest darlings of fond mammas
fellows tender footed and delicate of consti-
tuition; and yet, with no physical training
whatever to prepare them for a tramp OF
such magnitude, they set out, and forty
eight hours thereafter had concluded n
march Of sixty miles. All the way tn.
merciless sun poured down his hottest
shafts, the heavens were brass, the earth a
Sahara of scorching, sitting dust. And
then the climber" was to be explored for
lurking seceSsioniSts; teams "balked' at
every hill, wagons smashed at every cross
ing, provisions gave out, water dried up,
men laid down to die (but didn't); and yet,
with all these, and a thousand other diff
culties clogging its weary march, the regl,
nent pressed hopefully on. and within for
tyeight hours stood upon the banks of the
Missouri, hurrahing gleefully in response
to the cheers Of welcome which greeted its
coming"
Iowa has two other regiments in Mis-
souri,, every whit the peer Of the gallant
lst, and the State is proud of them.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

.y-To him that goes to law, eight things
are requisite: lst. A good deal of money
I'd. A good deal Of patience. Sd. \ good
attorney. 4th. Good Counsel. 9th. Coco
evidence. 9th. Good Jury. 18th. A goot
Judge. sth Good luck. Even with al
these wise man should hesitate before
going to law.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

GopEY's LADY's Book have receiy-
ed the August number of this delightful
monthly magazine, edited by Mrs. Sarah J.
Hale, and published by l.. A. Cooley, OF
Philadelphia. The plates are unusually in.
teresting, and the article entitled "Iow t.
make Cup of Coffee" will be appreciated
by those who use the soothing beverage.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
III WE X NE w.

II we knew the cares and crosses
Crowdng rsund our neighbours way;
If we knew the little losses,
Surely grievous, day by day,
Would we, then, so often chde him
For his lack of thrift and gain
Leaving on his beart shadow,
Leaving on our lives a stain
II We knew the clouds above us,
Held by gentle blessing there,
Would We turn away all trembling s..
In our tlind and weak de pair
Would you shrink from little shadows
Lying on the dewy grass,
While 'tis only birds Of Eden,
Just in mercy flying pastl
II We knew the silent story
Quiverng through the heart Of pain,
Would our womanhood dare doom them
Back to haunts OF guilt again
Life hath many a tangled crossing,
Joy hath maay break OF woe,
And the cheeks tear-washed are whitest
This tbs blessed angels know,
Let US reach into our bosoms
For the key OF otler lives,
And with love toward erring nature,
Cheri-h good that still survives
So that, when our disrobed spirits
Soar to realms # light again,
We may say. dear Fa' her judge US
Aswe judge our iellow-men.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

Madame said snarling son Of Es-
culapiuS, If women were admitted to Par
adise, their tongues would make it II purga.
tory And some physicians, if allowed
to practice there retorted the lady, would
soon make it desert
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

az A person looking over tn. catalogue
Of professional gentlemen at the bar, wrote
with pencil against the name of one Of
the bustling order, HAS been accused Of
possessing talents" Another seeing it.
wrote under, HAS been tried and acquit-
ted"
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

w- One half Of mankind pass their livcs
in thinking how they shall get diuner,
and the other in thinking what dinner they
shall get; and the first are much less in
jured by occasional fasts than the latter are
by constant fasts.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

s \ great poet says that mountains
stand fixed forever" We know, however,
that it is no uncommon thing for them to-
slope.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

How ABUr TuIs Wv onder the Bitter
End that the Traitors talk about fighting
to, has any reference to the Ropes End ?"
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

THE DEcAYEp BELLE AND THE PHOTOGRAPHER.
''liow uglv' criei Kat lit tie thinking the structure
Was cutting herself rather more than her picture.
Perhaps, quoth the artist, the fact may be
The likeness is ali that warrant you know"
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

SuppLEMENT.-We continue the pubica-
ton Of the Supplement to the Times and as
usual send it only to readers in the West.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

ADvcE TO BRIGAplER GENERALs.-W hen
you don't know what to do, don't you do
YOU don't know what,
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31

WoRKs fon THE ARMY.-The "boys" Of
the Fire Brigade are very anxious to get,
hold Of "De Foes Work."
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
McGREGOR IOWA, WEDNESDAY, JULY 81, 1861.
Poetry.

ruMp TAIL "BRIDoE OF Sons. Here !,
thing in the Hood vein, Wisconsin cotempo
says he found on Eau Claire (Wis.) one dolla
One more unfortunate,
Cannot be pa ssed,
And the confidence game
Is ended at last.
Paw H. out tenderly.
Change it with care,
Printed so splendidly,
With the name OF Eau Claire
Don't you remember, ..#
How Broker and banker,
How Mitchell and all Of them,
All those who banker
After the life hood Of us,
Declare that December
Would see thcra receiving this,
As good, legal tender +-.5
Alas! for the rarity
Or Bankers charity, g
What monstrous disparity
Between rich and poer,
Alas for Secession,
And that woeful expression- .
"a par, till December !" ..-..,.. ~
Pity the stumptail, 'v
Wild cat aud pup.
Though now it is down, a .r
Once it was up,
And the profits came swimmingly
Out Of the poor. .... ....
And Bankers looked smillingly
Out of the door.
Pay this out hurfedly,
Don't wait minute, ...
For nobody knows
.. How much value is init.
If your neighbor would borrow
... OF you till tomorrow, .-.a
Don't cause yourself sorrow,
And refuse his request
Lend 1t all,
Spend it all,
1T isn't par till December.
Pity the bastard,
It's got nary par,
It's doomed to be plastered,
At home and afar, ....
Pay 1t out quickishly,
Fairly. not tricki>hly, -HE. r....
Making a note of 1t
Pay it out tenderly, ''.
Change it with care,
Printed so splendidly
With the name OF Eau Claire.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
CASH FOR LABOR.

Il WANT to engage one good sash ana Door NaKer
1 at lib. raj wages Call at the Planning Mill. North
| NcGreeor iowa IL. ABER.
July 18th, ls9l. ni9s-
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
Buy the News !!

Buy the News!
CHARLES o. PACKARD offers for sale all tn
valuxble Eastern Chicago and Milwaukee DAILIRs,
ohe Ledger. Mercury, the various Magazines nc. &c.
Subscrip tions obtained for any paper or Magazine
n ths. Unitsd States Cali next door east OF Wool
ssrot + Ryan, Gf>sry stors tor NEWS from all
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-07-31
AWAIT FOR THE WAGON!"
M'oR EGOR LIVERY ABLE,

On Main Street, opposite UNION BIocK
PEARSALL CHURCH, Proprtetors.
rrAvlNG on hand every thing in sk-AAkR
n the line OF Carriages. Bugges, 4A&5k5EA
Siutehs Cutters, Sc &c., together with number oil
arstosss Horses respectfully solicit the patronage
efthe public promising to use best endeavors to
sivs satisfaction.
Pricos to suit the times 49,. -. -
PEARsALL CHURCH.
Me(3regor, ,Oot. Gath, 1859. lyl
Daily national Democrat., 1861-07-17
Tisrellaneons.
Notice 10 Contractors.

StEALED PROPOSALS, for the completion Of the
- foundation and basement story walls, to the height
OF the swinging line of the window arches Of the State
Capitol, as authorized by an Act OF the Legislature
amendatory of act to provide for the construction
Of the State Capitol in the City Of Sacramento, ap-
proved May the 20h 1861 said work being the same
as heretofore cont acted to be performed by Michael
Feuner viii be received by the Board Of Commission
ers nj the Governors Office, in said city, from and af
ter the 18th day of Juue, 'S6I until the oath day of Ju
w. 1861 at 10 o'clock, A. NJ. Said foundation to be
constructed and basement to be erected in accord
ance with plans and specifications adopted by said
Commissioners and to be at the office of the Su
perntendent on the Capitol Grounds in the city Of
Sacramento during the above mentioned period. All
bids must be sealed up and directed to the Board OF
Commissioners appointed TO conrac for the erection
Of the State CAPITOL at the office of the Governor, and
the same will be opened by said Commissioners in the
Assembly Chamber of the present Capitol building, at
~ o'clock NJ on Wednesday, July 24th, 1861.
The Commissioners reserve the right to reject ali
the same are unreasonably high, when the bidder
shall fail to give satisfactory bonds for the faithful
performance Of his contract when in their opinion
the best interests Of the State require the rejection of
such bids.
Each bid must be accompanied with good and suf-
hcient bond in the sum of sixty thousand dollars the
work to he commenced Immediately after the signing
of the contract and to be completed in eight months
thereafter.
The attention Of all those making bids is called to
the Act providing for the construction of the State
Capitol approved March Z9'h, 1859, and to the Act
amendatory thereof, approved May goth, 1861.
BY order of the Board,
iune1s til C.J. TORBERr Secretary.