The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-06-15
Artemus Ward In the SOuthern C0nfed-
eraCy...Thc Show Is COnfiscateds

war for these many dase gone and past
Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the
Toomb of the Cappylets, tho don't know
what those is. It's popler noospaper
Erase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye
may here I've been among the Sesesher,
earnin my daily peck by my leGitmit
perfeshun, and havn't had no tine TO
weeld my facile quill for the Crate Kom-
ick paper" If you'll allow me 70 kote
from your troothtul advertisements.
My success was skaly, and l likewise
had a narrer scape of my life 1t what
I've bin threw is "Suthren hospitality"
bout which ws've heern SO much, than
feel bound to obsarvs that they made too
much of me. They was altogether too
lavish with their attenshuns
l went amung the Seseshers with no
feelins of annermosity. l went in my per-
feshernal capacity. l was actooatsd cee
of the most lottiest desires that can ssxeil
the human Boozum, VITO give peo-
pie their moneys worth, by sheW thep
Sagashus Bsests, and Wax 6txtOots which
l venter to say ar onsnpast by other stat
otis anywheres will not call that man
who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and
a hoss thief, but bring him be me and
I'll wIther him with one of my skornful
frowns
But to proseed with my tail In my
travels threw the Sonny South L hered
heap Of talk about Secession and busting
up the Union, but didn't think it noun
ted to nothin. The politicians in all the
villages was swearin that Old Abe tsome
times called the Prahayrie ilower) should
never be noggerated. They also made
fools of their selves in varis ways, but as
they was used to that didn't let it worry
mo much, and the Stars and Stripes con-
tinued for to waive over my little tent.
Moreover, / was Soa Of Malty and a
Member of several other Temperance So
cieties, and my wife she was Dawter Of
Nalty, and | sposed these fox would Sc
coor me the inioonz and protection of all
the fust famerlies. Alas | was dispinted
State arter State seseshed, and it growed
hotter and hotter toI the undersigned
Things come to a climbmacks in a small
town in Alabbamy, where | was premto-
rally ordered to haul down the Stars and
Stripes a depytashun of red faced men
come up to the door Of my tent ware
was standin taken money (the afternoon
exhibishun had commenst, an my ltalyun
organist was jerkin his sole stirrin chimes
=" We air cum, Sir, said millingtary men
The Suthren Eagle is screamin threwous
this sunny land-proudly and defantly
screanlin Sir.
wv hats the matter with him. sez ],
don't his yit,les sit well On his stun
mick2'
That Eagle, sir, will continner to
scream all over this Brite and tr-menjus
land =
Wall, let him scream. If your Eagle
can amuse hisself by screamin, let h.m
wont" The men annoyed me for | was
bizzy maxim change.
We are cum, Sir, upon q matter OF
duty
You're right, Csp,ing It's every man S
dooty to visit my show. sed l.
We air CUM
And that's the reason you are here,
sez !, lain one of my slyery laris.
,hawt if he wanted to goaiS Id give him
sum of my sparklin epygrams.
Sir, you re inserlent. The plain aues.
ton is will you haul down the Siar-Span-
ged Banner, ard hist the Southern flag ?
Mary hist, Those was my reply.
your wax works and beests is then
confs aled, and you air arrested as a
Spy =
Sez I, Ny fragrant roses of the South
! rem CLINE and Bloomin datiodiis, what $
the price OF whiskey in TINS town, and
| how many cubic feet of that seductive
tlooid can you indiyidooaIly hoidY
They made no reply TO that, but sed
my wax fggers was conhscated- l asked
| them if that was generally the sti,s among
| tnisyes in that country, to which they
| also made no reply, but sed | was arrested
| As SPY, and must 20 TO Montgomery in
| inns They was 10y this time Jined by q
large crowd of other Southern patriots
who commenst hollering Hang the bald
| headed aberlition;st, and burst up his i'm
mortal exhibition l was ceased and
tied to a stump, and the crowd went FOL
my tent-that water proof pavilion, where
| in instruction and amoosment had been
50 muchly combined, at ID cents per head
and tore it all to pieces Meanwhile
| dirty faced boys was throwing in stuni
and empty beer bottles at my massive
brow, and taking other improper liberties
with my person. Resistance was useless
for variety of reasons, as | readily OBJ
! served.
The Seseshers confscated my statoot.
by smashin them to attums Tney ther
went to my money box and contscateo
all the loose change therein confirmed
They then went and burst in my cages
lettin all the animiles loose, a small but
| belthy tiger among the rest This tigel
has an eccentric way of tearing dogs Il
peacss, and | alters sposed from his gene
raj conduck that he'd hay no hesitashur
in servin human beins in the same way il
he could get at them. Excuse me if
was crooil, but laried boysterrusly wher
seed that tiger spring in among the peo
Pile $50 it, my sweet eussT | inardly
exclaimed, Il fergiv you for bitin off my
left thum with all my heart Rip EN- ur
| like bully tiger whose Lare has bin in
vaded by Seseshersr
| l can't say tor certain that the tiger Sc
riously injured any OF them, but as he we.
seen few days after sum miles distant
with large and well selected assorted o.
lookt as show he'd bin havin sum yilent
exercise, l raythsr guess they did. You
will therefor perceive that they didn't
| confscate him much. .
! was carried to Montgomery in inns
| and placed in durans vial. The Jail was
an ornery sditiss, but the table was libral
ly snrprised SUPPLIED with Bakin and Cab
bidge. This was good varity, for wher
| l didn't banker after Bskin could helE
myself to the cabbige
had nobody to talk to nor nothin to
talk about, however, and was very lone
ly especially on the fust day so when tne
jailor parst my lonely sell, l put the few
stray hairs ON the back part of my heG
Um bald now, but there was time whsr
wore sweet auburn ringlets) dishevld {
state as possible, L. rollin my eyes lik I
manyyuck, cried: "Stay. jailer, stayl
am not mad but soon will be if you don,
bring me suthin to talk!" He brung me
sum noospapers, for which thanked hin
kindly.
At larst got an interview with Jeffer
son DAVIS the President of the Southern
Conthieveracy He was quite perlite, ant
axed me to sit down and state my case
| did it. when he larfed, and sed his gal