, 1861-08-29
A Fat Recruit in the Home Guard


The moment the flag was threatened, large
bodies Of men were called upon to rally in its
defence. Being gc.bodied man, rallied and
enrolled myself with the Home Guards. The drill
is very severe on me this hot weather, although
am constantly allowed an attendant with fan
and pitcher Of ice water. | am a living para
dox; or while getting Hardee," ! am daily
growing weak. Talk about the times that tried
mems snuls!" these are the times that try men S
fat, il they have any. The cal tain takes pleasure
in putting me through at a double quick step.
When 60 off, think it will be with "double
quick consumption.
am constantly reminded that one Of the first
requirements Of soldier is 10 throw out his chest
and draw in his stomach. Having been burned
out several times, while occupying rooms in the
attic, have had considerable practice in throw
ing out my chcst;" but by what system Of prac-
tice could ever hope to draw In my stomach
| can't "dress up"-it's M use tryilg II my
vest buttons are in line, am far in the rear; and
il toe the mark, fearful bulge indicates my
position. There is no room for argument in re-
gard to my sentiments; everybody can see at q
glance just where Stand) One evening We had
new drill Sergeant who was near-sighted. Run
ming his eye down the line, he exclaimed sharply
:" What is that man doing in the ranks with a
bass drumY Hs pointed at me, ut ] hadn't
any drum; It was the surplus stomach that
couldn't draw in.
Ian the butt Of numberless jokes, as you may
well suppose. They have got story in the
Guards, that when | first heard the command,
Order Arms" dropped my musket, and TAX
ing out my note book, began to draw an order on
the Government for what arms wanted. They
say ordered the Winans' steam gun, with pair
Of Dahlgrecn howtzers ior side arInsl Base fab.
ricatOrs! My ambition never extended beyond
a rifle ,annon, and they know it. .l. -,
Although in respect to size ] belong to the
"heavies," my preference is for Light Infantry
service. Myknapsack is marked Light Infantry
One evening spectators appeared convused aboat
something, and my comrades Uttered by platoOns
whenever my back was turned. II was all a
mystery to me until ! laid of my knapsack.
Some wretch had erased the two final letters,
aud had been parading all the evening labelled
Light Inlant!" The above is one Of the thou
sand annoyances to which ! am subject, and no.
thing but my consuming patriotism could ever
induce me to submit to IL i rallied at the call Oi
my country, and am not to be put out by the
rallying Of my comrades
Ioverheard a spectator inquire Of the drill
Sergeant one day, "DO you drill the whole Of him
at OHcep
"No." he returned, in an awful whisper, III
drill hlm IN squads ~ :, ,t.s., q,
would have drilled bin, If bad had bayo-
net
Specifications have been published 10 regard
to my uniform, and contractors advertised for.
The making will be let out TO the lowest respon-
sible bidder. In case the Guards are ordered to
take the field. special Commissary will be de.
tailed to supply my ratiOhs. That reminds me Of
narrowing incident On last drill night an old
farmer, who dropped in TO zee us drill, took me
aside and said be wanted to sell me yoke Of
powerful oxen.
= My ancient agriculturist," said ], smiling at
his simplicity, "l have no use for oxen"
perhaps not at present." quOth he; "but u
you 60 to war, you will want them"
"For whatf" said ], considerably snnoyed.
"Want EN- TO draw your rati0nsr
The Guards paid me q delicate compliment at
the last meeting They elected me "Child Of
the Regiment" with the rank Of 1st Corpnlent,
and the pay Of chief . Blowyer." l was about
to return thanks in neat and appropriate speech,
when a reporter who was present assured me i
was no use--he had got the whole thing in type,
speech and all, and could read Il in the evening
paper. He said they kept "neat and appro.
pirate speech" Standing in type continually. ]
got his.views and held my peace.
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the Stripes a.
FAT CoSTRnuroh