Democrat and sentinel. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1853-1866, 1861-07-31
WAR FEVER IN BALDINsvILLE.
By ARTEMUS WARD.


cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck among 'em
onct mere. That's what ne called me- 1 like
the schoolmaster, and allers send him tobaccer
when I'm oft on a travelin campane. Such men
must be encouraged.
They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville
as ncthin L.-t plank road runs in there twice
week, aud that's very much out of repair. So
my nahors wasn't much posted up in regard to
the wars. Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the
dimicratic ticket for goin on forty years, and the
war was Gam black republican lie. Jo Stack
pole, who kills hogs for the Squire, and has go.
powerful muscle into his arms. sed he'd bet S.
he could lick the Crisis in a fair stand up fight,
if he wouldn't draw a knife on him. SO it went
sum was for war and sum was for peace. The
schoolmaster, however, sed that the Slave Oligar-
ky must cover at the feet of the North ere year
had passed by. or pass over his dead corpse
/" Esta perpetua ~ he added, and ' sine qua
non also'' sed l, sternly, wishing to make i'm
preston onto the villagers. " RequieScat in
pacel" sed the schoolmaster. :" Too troo, too
troo,'' 1 ansered, '.it's scanderius factl'
The newspapers got along at last, chuck full
of Baldinsvie. Squire Baxter sed he didn't be-
lieve in coercion. not one of 'em and could prove
by file of Eagles of Liberty in his garrit, that
it was all Wing lie, got up to raise the price of
whisky and destroy our other liberties, but the
old Squire got putty riley when he heerd how
the rebels was cuttin up, and he sed he reckonei
he should skour up his old musket and do little
square ftin for the Old Flag, which had alters
bin on tie ticket he'd voted, and he was too old
to bolt now. The Squire is all right at heart
but it takes longer for him 20 ill his venerable
biler with steam than it used to when he was
young and frisky. AS previsly informed you, l
am Captin of she Baldinsvile Company. I riz
gradooally but majesticly from drummer's secre-
tary to my present position. But l found the
ranks wasn't full by no means, and commenced
for to recroot. Havin notist general desire on
the part of young men who are into the Crisis to
wear eppy Its, determined to have my compa-
ny composed o2cloosively of offissers, everybody
to rank Brigadeer -Ginral. The follerin was
among the varis questions which 1 put to re-
croots
Do you know a masked battery from a hunk
of gingerbread
Do you know eppyt from a piece of chalk 2
If L trust you with real gun, how many men
of your own company do you sPeck you can man
age to kill during the war
Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Mis-
souri,, and can you avoid similar accidents in case
of a battle
Hav you ever had the measles. and if so, how
many
How you now
Show me your tongue, &C., &c. Some Of the
questions were sarcusstical.
The company filled up, rapid, and last Sunday
we went to the meetin house in full uniform.
I,oI
as it was bilt for me many years ago; but f.
nally got inside of it, though it fitted putty
clost. Howsoever, onct into it / lookt ine-in
fact, aw-inspirin. 50 Do you know me, Mrs.
Ward 2'' sed I, walkin into the kitchin.
" Know you, you old fool. OF course 1 do"
1 at that she did
i started for the meetin house, and I'm afraid
L tried to walk too strate, for l cum very near
fallin over backards and in attemptn to recover
myself. my sword got mixed up with my legs.
and fell in among a choice collection of young
ladies, who was standin near the church door, a
seein the soger boys come up. NY cockt hat fell
off, and somehow my coattales got twisted round
my neck. The young ladies put their handker-
chiefs to their mouths and remarked: - TIE he,''
while my ancient female single friend, Sary Peal
sew bust ont into a loud larf. She exercised her
mouth so violently that her new false teeth fell
out onto the ground.
:. Miss Pealsey," sed /, gittin up and dustin
myself, 50 you must be more careful with them
store teeth O. your'n, or you'll have to gum it
agin!''
Methinks had her.
I'd bin to work hard all the week. and l
felt rather snoopy. I'm afraid L did get half
asleep, for on hearing the minister ask, - why
was a man made to mourn 90 1 sed, 1" give it
up,' havin vague idee that it was conundrum.
1t was a unfortunit remark, for the whole meetin
house lookt at with mingled surprise and in
| dignation. was about risn to a pint of order,
! when it suddenly occurred to me WHARF l was,
| and kept my seat, blushing like the red red
! roSe-so to speak.
Tie next morning 1 rose with the lark
| On. B.-I don't sleep with the lark, though. A
| goak.)
Nv little dawter was execootin balids, accom-
panying herself with the hand origin, and she
wisht me to lnger and hear her sing: 80 Hark,
| / hear angel s:ngin, angel now is onto the
wing"
| Let him fly, my childl' sed l a bucklin on
/ nv ar:ner s' must forth to my Biz"
We are progressin pretty well with our drill
As all are commaadin offissers, there amt no jel
usv; and as all exceedin smart, it amt
worth while to try TO outstrip each other. The
| idee of company composed exclusively of Com
manders-in- Chiefs orriggernated, spose scurcely
need say, in these branes. Considered as idee.
/ fiatter myself it is putty hefty. We've got all
the tackticks at our tong's ends, but what We
| particly excel in is restin muskiIs. We rest
muskits with anybody
Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the
aid of Columby-we fgh. for the stars
Well he chopt into sassige meat before we'll
| exhibit our coat tales to the foe.
Well fight till there's nothing left Of us but
our little toes, and even they shall defianty wig.
gle! Ever Of thee" A. WARD