Indiana State sentinel. (Indianapolis, Ind.) 1861-1865, 1861-01-30
Artemus Ward on his Travels.

Onto THE WING December lS60
Gents Of the Eaitorial Corpse of ranity Fair:
Since last writ you I've met with immense
success a showin my show in varis places, particly
at Detroit. put up at Mr.. RusselPs tavern, a
very good tavern too, but am sorry to inform
you that the clerks tried to come a Gouge Game
me. / brandIshed my sixteen dollar
huntin-cased watch round considerable, and as /
was drest in my store clothes 4 had lot of
sweet-scented wagon grease my hair, l am free
to confess that / thought / lookt putty gay. 1t
never once struck me that lookt green. But up
steps a clerk & axes me hadn't better put my
wsSch in the safe "Sir,' sez /, "that watch cost
sixteen dollars Yes, sir, every dollar of it! You
can't cum it over me, my boyl Not at all. Sir. T"
/ know'd what the clerk wanted He wanted that
watch himself He wanted to make believe as
tho he lockt it up in the safe, then he would set
the house afire and pretend as tho the watch was
destroyed with the other property But he caught
Tomarter when he got hold of me.
From Detroit go West'ard hoe. On the cars
was a e-lookin' female with green-cotton UNI
brella in one hand and handful of reform tracks
in the other She sed every woman shod have
Spear. Them as didn't demand their spears
didn't know what was good for them. "What is
my Spear?" she axed, addressn the people in the
cars. els it to stay at home & darn stockins & be
the ser-lave of domneering man? Or is il my
Spear to vote & speak show myself the ekal of
man? Is there sister in these keers that has
her proper Spear?" Sayin which the eccentric
female whrled her umbrella round several times,
& finally jabbed me in the weskit with it.
Il have no objecshuns to your goin into the
Spelr bizniss," says |, "but you'll please remem
Der / amt pickeril. Don't Spear me agin, il
YOU please" She sot down.
At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faint
ness, called for drop of suthin to drink. As
was stirrin the beverage up, pale faced man in
gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoulder &
sej, "Look not upon the wine when it is red!"
Sez |, This amt wine; this is old rye"
at sfingeth like Adder aud biteth like a Sar-
pent, sei the man.
81 guess not" sed I, "when you put sugar in
it. That's the way alters take mine"
"Have you grown up, sirf" the man
axed
WALL" l replide, as put myself outside my
beverage, ''my son, Artemus, junior, is going or
eighteen"
"Ain't you afraid If you set this example bel
him, he'll come to a bad end?''
Hes cum to a waxed end already. He's learn
ing the shoemaking biziness," replied. 81 guess
we can both on us git along without your assist
ance SIR / obsarved, as he was about to oper
his mouth agin.
"This is cold worldl' sed the man.
"That's so. But you'll git into warmer ont
by-an1-by, if you don't mind your own bizinis;
better" | was a little rile1 at the feler becaus,
/ never take anythln only when / really need it
/ afterwards learned he was temperance lee
turer, and If he can injuce men to stop settinI
their inards on fire with the frghtful ticker whcl
is retailed round the country, shall heartily re
joice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct
than to pizen em to death by degrees.
At Albion / met with overwhelmin success
The celebrated Albion Female Semenary is 10
Gated here, & there air over 300 young ladies il
the Institushun, pretty enouff to eat without sea
sonin or sass The young ladies was very kin,
to me, volunteering to pin my handbills onto tn
backs of their dresses. 1t was sublime site &
see over 300 young ladies going round with a ed
vertisement of A. Wards onparaeld show, con
spickusly posted onto their dresses.
They've got panick up this way and refooz
to take Western money. 1t never was wort
much, and when Western men, who know what
is, refooze to take their own money it is abou
time other folks stopt handn it. Banks ar
Dustin every day, goin up higher nor any balloon
of which we hav any record. These Wester
bankers air a sweet q luvly set of men. l wis
owned as good house as some of them woul
brelk into.
Virtoo is its own reward. A. WARD.