Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1861-12-26
HOW PETER FUNK DOES BUSINESS.

"Burleigh," the New York correspondent
of the Boston journal, writes the following
leaf in the history of Peter Funk and his do
ings :-"Some time since a rural colonel from
the West came to New York to make a speech.
He was met the next day by a gentleman who
called him by name-knew him well-was
charmed with the fervor of his western elo-
quence-with the force of his oratory, with his
unfaltering patriotism, to all which the western
orator bowrd in the lowest humility, avowed his
sense OF unworthiness, and his inability to en-
tighten New York audience but expressed a
warm appreciation of the manner in which the
people listened to his poor remarks. A fellow
feeling was at once created, and confidence, that
plant of slow growth, seemed to come forth as
by miracle. The pair reached a store in
broadway, the ownership of which the new ac-
quaintauce of the colonel avowed. 1t Just
popped into the mind of the colonel that he
had lovely daughter at home, fair as q prairie
rosebud, which soon was to bloom in a conser-
vatory of waiting swain who held in his i'm
patience to make the fair flower his own till the
colonel should come home from New York.
Now the daughter needed gold watch, and he
proposed to buy one. The new friend of the
colonel allowed that he kept watches in his es-
Enlistment but had none that were worthy the
attention of the distinguished gentleman and
his fair daughter. He had some, it was true,
but as they could be sold for the paltry sum of
1925 to $780, it was not worth while to look at
them. And moreover, the city of New York
was bad place for strangers; men got cheated
every day, and he would do well to look sharp
at all men who wanted to sell him anything,
and be especially careful of the company he got
into. For all this he was profoundly grateful
but persisted in going into the store and taking
a look at the jewelry, as he knew thing or
two, and the man would rise up early in the
morning who got the better of him. Now let
me say to the reader that the friend of the COL
onel was one of the sharpest Peter Funks in
New York, and his store the headquarters of
mock auctions. So in the man went. An ell
egant watch was shown the colonel one of
great value, worth $3.50, and cheap at that
So a bargain was struck, and had the colonel
gone on his way all would have been WELL But
at this moment two men came in-one q GUS
toner and one a "down town ieweller." The
jewellers opened the business. His friend, he
said, was about to buy a watch for 5000, and
like wise man as he was, he would not pur-
chase until some one that knew all about watches
had passed judgment on it. SO the watch was
handed out, examined and found to be all right
a new thought came over the colonel. He
would have his purchase examined. Would
the jeweller be kind enough to look at his
watch. He woodland when the back of the
seller was turned, he said in whisper don't
take it, But the money had been paid. The
jeweller knew how to manage that. The whole
stock was examined, and only one found that
would suit. That hung by itself on black
velvet case. That could not be had. 1t had
been sold to man who was to "call for it at
two, precisely" 1t was a watch of rare value,
AMI could not be had at all, and if it could it
was invoiced at 5000. But that particular
watch the colonel resolved to have.
The parties all waited till the City Hall
alarm bell rung out the hour of two, when the
colonel demanded the watch. The eweller
seconded the call The seller was in doubt
his conscience was tender he wanted to do the
fair thing, but concluded to hand the watch
over, and the additional $50 was paid. The
watch was hardly in the pocket of the buyer,
before painting with heat and haste, the man
for whom the watch was kept came running in,
he had been detained by the omnibus,-and
demanded his watch. Great was his indigna-
ton when he founnd he was too late. The
watch was his he would have it; it as two
till it was three; would give five doa s, ten.
But the colonel would not Weld he did not
trade in watches he had bought one, it suited
him, and $50 was no object. A quarrel
followed; glass was broken; noses bled; the
Iombs doomed up before the colonel, and to
keep the watch and make all square, $50 more
was paid and he departed.
Of course the reader knows That the jeweler
and his friend, and the painting man running in
too late to carry off his watch, were all bogus,
and parts of the establishment to carry on the
Peter Funk business. On arriving at his hotel
the 5000 watch was found to be brass. The
police were called in, but the jewellcr had Civ
en- up trade and the store was closed. He
could get no relief. He concluded to shake the
dust of Gotham of his feet and 90 home. In
frame of mind not exactly Christian he took his
seat in the car-left it moment to 60 out he
came back, found an occupant in his seat ord
cred the interloper out; as the cars were crow.
ded the new conner could not see it, Viewing
all men as conspirdtors, he took the law in his
own hands-gave the intruder a beating, was
arrested, locked up in the Tombs, and left for
home, after paying in all $1,000, with the fixed
resolution that when the - party needed a
speaker, he should not come on to New York
to make the Grafton.