The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1861-02-07
THE PACIFIC
Commercial Advertiser.
Artemus Ward visits Brigham Young.

IL IL now going on too (2) yerez, a. very we'll
remember, SINCE 1 crossed the Planes for Kali
f0rny, the Brite land of gold. While crOssin the
Planes all So bold, 4 fell in with some noble red
men Of the forest (N. Il. This is rOte Sarcasti-
cul- Injins is Pizin, whar ever found,) which
they said ] was their Brother, Il wantid to smoke
the CalomeI Of Peace with me. They then stole
my jerkt beef. BLANKETS, ~etsettery, zkalpt my origin
grinder & SkOOted with a Wild Hoop. Durin
the Cheats techin speech, he sed he shOOd meet
me in the Happy Huntin Grounds. If he duz,
thare will b. n fife. But enuf Of this ere.
hereH Moose MlanOns, as our skOOlmaster, who
has got Talent into him, cuasycally observes.
L arrove at Salt Lake in doc time. At Camp
Scott thare was a lot of u. ). sDjers, hOsstensibly
sent out thare To smash the InOrInins. but really
to eat Salt vittles il play poker and other beiuti-
ful but omewhat Onsartain games. | got ac-
quaInted with some Of the officers. They lODkt
putty serumpshus in their Bloc coats with brass
buttons ON 10 um, X ware very talented drinkers;
but, 50 fur as fitting IL consumed, lde willinly put
nv wax hgSers agin the whole party.
My desire was 10 exhibit my CRATE show III salt
Lake City, 50 called on Brigham Yung, the
CRATE mogull among the mOrmIns, and axed ms
pennishu1 10 pitch my tent ann onfurl my ban
ner To- the gentle breezes. lie lOokt at me IN an
austeer manner for a few mInits 81 SD
ID you bleeve in solomon. st. Paul, the I'm
maculateness Of the Mormin Church and the Lat
terday Revelashuns?
Sez /, :. line on itt'' / make it a pint 10 git
dlDDG ple-lUI, tHO i Cl0u Z Know what uHGtE IDc
Son the old Teller was driyin 1T. lie sed / mite
show.
you air Z marrid man, Mistur Yung, |
bleave?" SCI I, preparin to rite him sum free
parsis-
" 1 hev eighty wives Mister Ward. certain
ly am marrid."
:. How do you like it as fur as you hev got?''
sed /.
He sed sMiddIin,'' and axed me wouldn't |
like to see his Elmerly, to which / replied that /
IL r.1-l, ..-aI1- r,TTL rInG .a- AnaI- y Rnr
skin in the winnin smiles Of his interestin wives.
He accordingly tux me to his Scareum. The
house IL powerful big IL III a excedin large room
was his wives and children, witch larst was
squawkin and hollerin enuff to take the roof rite
OFF the house. The wimin was of all sizes md
ages. Sum was pretty and sum was plane, some
was healthy and sum was on the Wayne-which
is verses, tho sich was not my intenshuns, as L
don't approve of putin verses in Prose ritlng, tho
eff Occashun requires, / can Jerk a Poim ekal TO
eny of them Atlantic Munthly fellers.
my wives, Mister Ward, )" said Yung.
Your sarvant, marms," sed |, rs | sot down
in a cheer which a red heded female Draw: NE.
Besides these wives you see here, Mister
Ward" sed Yung, 81 have eighty more in varis
parts Of this consecrated land which are Sealed to
me-"
Which ~ SEE I, gittin up and starin at him.
SEALED, Sir, sealed"
"Whare bOwts?" sez |.
"I sed, Sir, that they was sealed" lie spoke
in q traggerdy voice.
Will they probably continue ON in that stile
to any great extent, Sir?' | axed.
"Sir,'' sed he, turnin as red as 4 billed beat,
. don't you know that the rules of our Church is
that !; the Profit, may hev as meny wives as
wants?"
.'Jes So" 1 sed. You air old pie, amt
you?
s'Them as is Sealed to me-that is to say, to
be mine when | wants unfair at present my
sperretooul wives" sed Mister Yung.
Long may they wavei" sz /, seein i shOod
git into a sCrape ell didn't look out
In n priyit conversashun with Brigham, Ilernt
the ioilerin fax: IL takes six weeks to kiss his
wives. lie don't do IL only onct a year, and SEE
it is wuss nor cleanin house. He don't pretend
to know his children. thare is So many of um,
tho they all know him. He says about every
child he meets calls him Par, and he takes II for
granted it u so. His wives air very expensIv.
Thay alters want suihin' K ef he don't buy 1t for
um they set the house in an uprOar. He SEE he
don't hev n minits peace. His wives fife among
themselves so much that he has bilt n ftin room
for thare speshul benefit K when too of um a
into n row he hes nm turned loose into that
place, WHARF the dispoot is settled according to-
the rules of the London prize ring. Sumtimes
thay aboOz hisself Individually. Thay hev puIl-
eel the most Of his hair out at the roots and he
wares meny - horrible scar upon his body, in
aicted with mOp-handles, brOom-sticks and sich.
Occasionally thay git mad and scOld him with
bilin hot water. When he got eny waze cranky
shet him up in a dark clOsit, previ-Iy
whippin him arter the stile Of mothers when thare
orfsprings gtt Onruly. Sumtimes when he went
in swimmin thayd 90 TO the banks of the lake
x steal all his close, tliarby conpeIIin him to
-neek home by Il circuitous rowt, dresst in the
SkanderIus stile of the Greek Slaiv. 81 find that
the keers of n marrid life way hevy onto me- sed {
the Profit, :. and sumtimes / wish Idle renamed I
/ LETT the Profit and started for the I
tavern WHARF I put up To. On my way I over ,
tux by IL large crowd Of Mormins, which thay I
surrounded me i statid that thay was goin into J
Show free. I
WALL SCI I, :. eff find 4 indiyidoouI who is q
going round lcttin folks into his show free, lie let :
iou know" q
. We've had 4 ReveLIshun biddin us 90 into A
Show without Iayin nothin - thay
7
YES holIered a lot Of female Morminesses. t
.easin me by the cote tales, & swinging me round '
rapid, " were all goin in freeI 60 SEE the "
Reyelashun '" v
What's Old Revelashun got to do with my Fl
show ?' SEE /, gettin putty riley. Tell Mister Il
seyelashun,' - sed I, drawfn myself I'D to nv full "A
lite, and lOokin round upon the orney krowd il
With a proud and defiant mean. tell Mister q
2evelashun to mind his own bizzniss subieck only C
o the Konstitushun of the United Stats ~ il
'sOh now let u in, that's a sweet man," sed p
females. putin thare arms rownd me in "
uyin style. :. BEGUN l of US. BEGUN a Preest,
I hev wives Sealed to You 81
Not a SeaII' SEE /, starting back in horror t.
{ the idee. II
.oh stay, Sir, stay" sed a tall, gawnt fe- Il
naiIe. ore WHO'S he'd 81 summairs must hey 2
arsd. ..stay, Il lie be your gentle GazelIe."
- Not ef 1 know it, you won't" sez /. AVA
-ou skandcrius female. ava Go and be 4 Nun NJ
iery - That's what 1 sed, js So. Al
"S l." sed i fat, chunky female, who must lie
ev wade more than two hundred lbs, -. | will be SC
our sweet gidin STAR" II
.sSez I, ). lie bet two dollars and n half YOU 81
WHARF ear | may Rome lie still be true Al
thee, oh Betsy jane IN. B.-Betsey Jane "
my wife's Sir name- Ut
wv iitist thou not tarry hear in the Promist ID
and =" sed several Of the miserable critters. ~
- lie see You all essenshally cussed BE- 4 | will :"
st -, reared [, - mad as | Good be- at thare in 10