Daily national Democrat., 1861-03-22
Docsticks on the Italian Opera.

He thus discourses on the Italian Opera
Contrary to my registered VOWS on that
detesed subject, | have been inveigled into
visiting the Academy Of Music; need hard
ly remark that lovely woman did it-ttat a
combination of crnoline and female led me
from the paths of the legitimate drama, and
induced me to enter that place whence all
the prophecies of the drama are banished-
the Opera House. | hope that articular
fragment of our feminine population who
did it may repent of her sins. come to me in
remorseful tears, and ask my gracious par
don; but have my doubts
However, | watched the performance
closely, ith a view to business: and am now
prepared to tell all about the art of operate
performing. | learned the whole trick. and
its very simple in fact, so simple that
wonder people don't do their own opera and
SO save their money. Any girl with a good
squeal is prima donna; any man who could
get living crying "clams" is tenor and a
hard cold qualities the most unmusical indi-
vidual in the world to do the Jasso busi-
ness
After giving what he terms lesson to
lady, about to become a prima donna, he
proceeds TO show a man how to do opera
Y0W staple noises are grun,s and growls,
with an occasional prolonged yell. Lore. vou
express by going on your knees if the stage
is not too dirty, looking imploringly up at
the lady, and growing and bowling alter
nately, till she accepts YOU. Hate is sign-
fed by clenching the hands, rumplihg the
hair stamping about, and growing as low
down i'll the stomach as you can Repeaqc
is the same with an extra roll of the eye, aud
the drawing Of dagger, and the raising of
the growl four notes or about up TO your
second vest button Despair, ditto, without
the dagger and the grow comes up another
button. Jca(oHSy brings the growl up to the
middle shirt stud; while Rage raises it, first
60 the cravat, and jhen tapels Off into as loud
a howl as is warranted by the amount of
money in the house
But it is chiefly in the death scenes that
the men have the advantage of the other sex
A man can 90 down on the stage and roll
over, and squirm about and writhe and wrig-
gle, and die in any moment Of agony, at the
expense Of only about three and siXpence
while womln cant go through the same
performance for less than seventv-fiye dollars
You see man only soils his stockings and
breeches, and washerwOmnn makes him all
right next day; while woman must soil
satin dress, and SdtiRS Wont cash So the
women have to die carefully, for cconomy's
sake, while the men enjoy all the agones,
with gymnastc variations dd HJit0m.
The following general directions for an OPP
cratic death have received the approval oran
approaching public, and will be found gen
orally effective;
You drink your poison, or stick yourself
with your dagger or are stabbed by your
enemy, as the case may be; then, of course
van bava a lDutr solo 10 IL, a. ,.,, oN,;r,
You rub your hands on your stomach to
show you are in pain, then you crowl cou-
pie of your sweetest notes, to signify that vow
rather like it; then you remember that vou
are in agony gain, and you double your fists
and rub them in your hair as hard as You can
without pulling your wig off; then you grum
hle a little more Of your music; then you 70
down on one knee, and perform pirouette
growing your music all the time: then YOU
struggle to your feet; then you howl; then
you scream; then you grumble then You
squgaI, tHcn You drop ON one knee tthe other
knee this time, so that the wear and tear will
come evenly on your reeches and one lee
last Just rs long as the other;} then vou Cruut
aud growl and grUmhlc all at once; then YOU
square oil like a boxer; then YOU strike out
ike a swimmer growing, bowling and
-queaiiug all the time then You fall down on
beth knees and gradually soule down ON
/ your back, then You squiim yourself TO the
( right of the stage and grunl; then you wrig-
gIe yourself to the left Of the stage and howl;
/ then YOU crawl to the back Of the stage and
/ yell; then YOU roll to the front Of the stage
and shriek then you stand up ANA yell; then
! You fall down and groan; then you wrilhe
/ and squirm, aud wraEle altogether, and fin
/ i,h yoUr music in terrific shout; then you
/ squirm and kick as long as the audience ap-
/ plaud-; then you make final struggle, ta-
! king care to fall at last so far up the stage
that, as the curtain cOmes down, it wont
smash your leg; then You drinl, mug of
porter, brush the dust off your clothes, and
walk in front. of the.cultain to answer the
cali
That's ali there is of it; and you can all see
there is not the least knCwledgr of music re-
quired to do the whole. In fact, the Italian
Opera Is nothing more or less than a hodge
podsc of growIs squenks, shiny clothes, and
indifferent gymnastics. When my bill for
the relief OF Docsticis passes Congress, we
shall have no more of this sort of thing.