The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1861-01-12
From fhe Al'aa:z- Moa1a'y, ta- yaEu
WILMINGTON gIry

What it seems TO be il is net and aitbor.pi,
il IS getting to be wha; j. never was, i. r,rss
always remain what is now is. Ii mi rht be
4 called city, it il were not a.ssrnat teIy r,npu
lous and uninhabited; and il voult he |.
side-spreai viIlsse, il il were not a ccIlsc.
ton Of hospitals for decved or eaIIow
politicians. Ii is the hs shesaa.iag-piacs os
fashion, of intelligence. OF yiee,-a rasor,
without the attractions Of waters eithsr
mineral or salt, where there is no bathing
and no springs, ba. drinking in abundance
and gambling 10 any quantity. DsEsaeaiess.
/ as regards walls Yedo1brs, moass. or O, her
fortih cations, il is nevertheless the Seyasro.
pol Of the hepG.iie, gainss which tie allied
army OF Contractors and Claiu- Ageats in
eessantiy lay seige. Ii is Il great, E,tle,
splenatd, mean. exiTavag CANT. poverty -str;ck.
/ en- baFfaek for soldiers CT tuwaas and
yotaries Of folly.
/ Scattered helter-skelter oyer IN immense
surface, cut mp into scalene triapgles tie
oddity Of It's plan make: Washington a sue
cesslon of surprises which never fail to vex
and astonlsh the stranger, be he ever so
highly endowed as to the chronological bump
of locality. Depending upon the hap -haz.
ard start the isnoramus may chance to
make, any particular house or stree. is
, either nearer at hand or farther Of than the
ordinary human mind finds ii agreeable to
believe. The first duty of the newcomer
| is TO teach his neither extremities to avoid
iastinctvely the hypothenuse of the street.
triapgulatiou, aud the last lesson the resi-
dent fails to learn is which Of the Shortcuts
from point to point is The least lengthy
| Beyond doubt, the corners of the streets
| n ca
calculation Of the greatest possible amount
OF oral sin which disappointed haste AM
lrritated anxiety are capable Of committing:
nor is any relief TO the tendancy TO profanity
thus engendered afforded by the iDexcu sable
| nomenclature of the streets ard ayenues.-
nomenclature in which the resources of the
alphabet, the arithmetic, the names of all
the States OF the Union, and the Pre- !en.s
as well, are exhausted with the most unsys-
tematic proliigaey. A man not gifted with
! supernatural aeutencss, in striving to get
| from Browns Hotel TO the General Post.
0lhcs, turns a corner and suddenly ials him
self nowhere, simply because he is every-
where, being Mt the instant upon three separ.
alta streets and two distinct avenues. Ard, as
afurther consequence OF the scalene arrange
ment OF things, it happens that the stranger
in Washington, however civic his birth and
education may have been, is alwavs uueon-
5cious.g performing those military evolu-
tions styled marching TO the right or left
oblique, acquiring thereby, it is said, that
obliquity of the moral vision which sooner
or later afflicts every human being who IN
habits this strange, lop. sided city-village.
So queer indeed, Is Washington CITY in
every aspect, that one newly impressed by its
incongraitles is compelled to regard Swlft's
description of Lllilputia and Sydney Smiths
account of Australia as poor attempts at
fun. For, leaving out OF view the pigmies
OF the former place. whose like we know is
never found in Congress, what is there in
that Australian bird with the voice of
jaekass to excite the feeblest interest in the
mind OF man who has hstenened to the de-
bates on Kansas or what marvel is an am.
pqibion with the bill of a duck to him who
has gazed aghass at the intricate ANATOMY of
the bill OF English? IL is true that the ig-
norant Autipodes, with total disregard Of
all theories ofproj ojectes, throw their boom
erapgs behind their backs 10 order to kill
an animal that stands or runs before their
faces, or skim them along the ground when
they would destroy an obj ject flying overhead.
And these feats seem curious. But an ac.
complished '!Copstitu ional Adviser" can
perform feats far more surprising with a
few Jumps Of coal or q number of ship
knees, which are but boomeraugs of larger
growth. Another has invented the aeadliest
of political missiles, in their recoil, } shaped
like mules and dismantled forts, while a
third has demolished the Treasury with q
simple mscalculatiJn. Still more astonish-
ing are the performances of an eminent
functionary who encourages polygamy by
intimidation, purchases redress for national
insult by latereeptiug his armies and heets
with az apology in the mouth of q Commis-
sioner. and elevates the Republic in the eyes
of mankind by eonquering at Ustend even
lass than he has lost az the Executive
Mansion.
In truth, thslis of Washington auomalies
is so extensive aud so various. that no writer
with proper regard for bis own reputation
or his readers' credality would dare emu
merate them one by one. Without material
injury to the common understanding, a few
may be mentioned but respect for public
opinion would urge that the enorm Us whole
be summed Up in the comparatively safe and
respectful assert ton. that the one only abse-
Iutelv certain thing in Washington is the
absence of everything that is at all perma-
nent. The following are some Of the more
obnoxious assonisbmepts OF the place.
Traversing rocky prairie infested with
hacks. you arrive late IN the afternoon at a
curbed boundary. too fatigned in body and
too sufrocaied with dust to resent the insult
to your common-sense implied in the an
uouneement that you have merely crossed
what is called an Avenue. Recovered from
your fatigue. you ascend the steps of a
marble palace, and enter but to find il gar
risaned by shabby regiments armed with
quilts and steel pens. The cells they Inhabit
are gIoorly as dungao bat furnished like
parlors. Their business is to keep every
body's accounts but their own. They are Of
all ages, but of a uniformly detected aspecs.
Do not underrase their valae. Mr.. Bniwer
has said. that, in the hands Of men autireiy
great, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Safer yourself to be astonished At .heiI
numbers. bat permit yourself to withdraw
from their vicinitY without questioning too
closely their present utility or future des.
,iuation. No personal affsont to the public
Or the Nineteenth century is INTENDED by sht
supesEuity of their numbers or the made
auacy of tleir capacities. Their rapid in
crease is attributable not to any ineestuou'
! breeding in-ani-ia among themselves, bn
10 a vioisn. seduction of the President ane
the Heads Of Department by impsrsunat'
Congressman: and van may rest assuI q
tha, this criminal multiplication alls nobod,
with half 60 mueh righteous indignation ant
sirtuons sorrow a. the clerks themselves.
Emerging from the palace OF quiii-drivers
q new surprise awaits you. The palace i
surmaented hy what appear to be gganss
mas,s and booms, economically, bat strong
" rigx.d, and withou. any sails. In sh
. distance. yoa see smother palace rugged il
/ the sane manner. The eject Of tee specsa