Daily national Democrat., 1861-06-15
Artemus Ward i'm the SOuth---IIis Trial
and Adventures.

, parison to my troubles. / cum pesky neaT
swearing sum profane oaths mor'en onct, but
| hope | hope | didn't do it, for Eve prom
ised she whose name shall be nameless, Tex
cept that her initials is Betsy j that III
jine the Meeting House at Baldinsville, Jesl
as soon as | can scrape money enui1 together
so that | can ford TO be puss in good stlle
like my wealthy nabers But film coniisea-
Gated agin, / m afraid | shall contnner on in
my present benited state for sum time
fgered conspicyously in many thrilling
scenes in my tower from Montgomery to my
humsted, and on sevril occashuns thot the
CRATE komic paper would never be enriched
no more with my lubricatons. Arter blddln
adoo to jefferson D., started for the depot
| saw ngger sttn on fence playin on
a banjo My Afrikn brother said |, cotin
from Track onct red, you belong TO We
ry iuterestin race. Your master Is goin to
war exclusively on your account.
"Yes, boss" he replied, zen | wish 'em
honorable graves" and he went on payin
the banjo larfn all over, ard opehin bis
mouth wide enuff to drive in an old fashion
ed wheeled chaise
The train of cars in which | was to trust
my waierable life was the scaiest, rickytiest
lookin lot of consorns that | ever saw on
wheels afore.
"W hat time does this string of second hand
coffins leave?"I enquired of the depot master
lie said direckly and | went in and sot dowr.
| hadn't more'n fairly squatted ofore dark
lookin man, with synister expression onto
his countenance, entered the cars, and lookin'
very sharp at me- he aXed what was my prln'
ciples?
"Sesesh I" I answered. "I'm Dissoluter
| m in favor of jeff Davis, Beauregard, Pick
ems, Captain Kidd, Bloobeard, Monro Ed
wards the devil, Mrs. Cunningham, and all
the rest of EN-.
you're in favor of the war ?
"Certingly by all means; I'm in favor of
this war; and also of the next war. I've been
in favor of the next war for over sixteen
years! !"
"War to the kniye !" sed the man.
"Blud, Fargo, blud :" said (hough them
words isn't origgernal with me- Them words
was rit by Shakespeare, who is ded. His man
tie fell onto the orther of "The Seven Sis
tiers" who's going to hav Spring overcoat
made out of it.
We got under way at larst, an proceeded
on our jerney at about the rate of speed
which is ginrally obsarved by properly-con-
Quoted funeral professions. hansum young
gal, with a red musketer bar on the back
part Of her heed, and a sassy little black hat
tipt over her forred, set in the seat with me.
She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her
hat and she was going for to see her troo
love, who had lined the Southern army, all SO
bold and gay. SO she told me- She was
chilly, and offered her my blanket.
Father livin'?' | axed.
"Ye es sir"
"Got any uncle?'
"a heap. Uncle Thomas is dcd, tho"
Peace to Uncle Thcmas's ashes, and sue
cess to him! will be your Uncle Thomas !
Lean on me, my pretty Sesesher, and linger
in Blissful repose." She slept as secoorly as
in her own housen, and didn't disturb the
solemn stiffness of the night with any snore.
At the first station a troop of Sogers enter
ed the cars, and inquired if f"Old Wax Works
was on bored. That was the disrespective
stle in which they referred to me. Be
cswz if Old Wax Works is on bored" says a
man with face like double lobster, "we're
going to hang Ola Wax Worksp
My illustrious and patriotic Bummers T.
says |, gittin up and taking orr my shap-
poo, if you alude to A. Ward its my plea
sin dooty to inform you that he's dcd. He sa W
the errer of bis ways at ) minits parst yes
terday. and stabbed hisself with a stuffed
sledstake, dyin' in five beautiful taboos to
slow moosIc His larst words was My
perfeshernal career is over! jerk no mord 2
And who be you?'
"Im stoodent in Senator Benjamn's la W
offs, ! IN goin up North to steal some spoons
and things for the southern Army"
This was satisfactory, and the intossicated
troopers went orf At the next station the
/
git out there. bid her kind adoo and Civ
her some pervisions Accept my blessin and
this hunk Of gingerbread" sed. She thankt
me much and tript galy away. There's con-
siderable human natur in a man, and I'm
afraid | shall alters give aid and comfort to
the enemy if he comes to me in the shape Of a
nice young gal.
At the next station didn't get OFF SO easy
was dragged out of the cars and rolled in
he mud for several minits for the purpus of
70 takin' the conseet out of me" as a Sesesher
kindly stated.
l was let up finally, when powerful large
Sesesher came up and embraced me, and to
show that he had no hard feelins agin me- put
his nose into my mouth returned the COM
pliment by placing my stummck suddenly
agin his right foot, when he suddenly made a
spittoon of his able-bodied face. Actooated
by desire to see whether the Sesesher had
bin vaXinated, | then fastened my teeth onto
his left coat sleeve, and tore it to the shoul-
der. We then vilently bunted our heads to-
gether for a few minits, danced around a lit
tie, and sot down in a mud puddle We riz
to our feet agir, d by suddin e. adroit
movement | placed my left eye agin the Sc
seshers fist. We then rushed into each 9TH
er's arms, and fell under a two hoss wagon.
| was very much exhausted and didn't care
about gettin up agin, but the man scd he
reckoned I'd better, and | conclooded wood.
II pulled me up, but hadn't bin on my feet
more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up
and hit me in the he'd. The crowd said it
was high old sport, but | couldn't zactly see
where the LATTER cum in. | riz and we en-
braced agin. We careered madly to a steep
bank, when got the upper hands of my an
taggernist and threw him inter the raven.
He fell about forty feet, striking grindstun
pretty hard. | understood he was injured |
haven't heard from the grindstun.
A man in cockt hat cum up and sed he.
felt as tho a apology was doc me- There was
mistake. The crowd had taken me for an
other man! | told him not to mention it
axed him if his wife and little ones was SOS
to be about-and got on bord the trane,
which had stopped at that station 900 mnits
for refreshments" | got all | wantid 1t was
the harties meal | ever ct.
| was rid on rale the next day, bunch
of blazin fire crackers bein tied to my coat
tales 1t was a fine spectycal in dramatic
pint of view, but l didn't enjoy it. had
other adventers of a startln kind, but WHY
continner? Why lasserate the Public Booz-
um with these here things? Sufi,it to saw |
got across Mason and Dixies line safe at
last.
| made tracks for my humsted, but she with