The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1861-03-14
Artemus Ward on Forts.'

Artemus Ward on Forts"
Every man of intilleck has got his
Fort. +
Daniel Webster's Fort was to speechify
in the Hauls of Kongress & make Dick
summaries.
shakspeer roto good place but he wood
ent hev bin wuth pint of kold sidur as
a stennergrafick Reportir. Wood he?
Hey? lie bet dollars he woodent. W
Henry Ward Bitcher wood makea good
end man for the kork opery minstrils, be-
cauz he can kackle well. u
Old George Washington's Fort was to
not hev eny public man Of the present
day rssemblcd hin to eny alarmin extent.
WHARF bowts can Georges ekal befownda
I ask, & boldly answer no whares or eng
whares else.
Old man Townsin's Fort was to maik
sassyperiller. "Goy to the world an
uther life saved p (Cotashun from Town
sins ADVERTISEMENT s
Cyrus Fields Fort is to lay 2 sub-ms-
chine tellergraf under the boundin billerss
of the Oshun & then hev it Bust.
Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared
Gloo, which mends everything. Wonder
ef it will mend a sinners wicked waze.
Qmpromptoo goak.)
zoary's Fort is to be a Gemail circus fell.
Ter.
My Fort is the great moral show bizi-s
Mss and ritin choice famerly literatoorfor
the noospapers. That's what's the mat
ter with me.
&C., &C., &c. So mite go on to a indef.
nit extent.
Twice I've endeverd to do things which
thay wasn't my ForS. The fust time was
when I undertook to lick q aowdashus cuss
who cut ahole in my tent & krawld threw.
SEE I, "my jentle Sir go out OF ] shall
fall onto you putty hevy." Sez he,f.
Wade in, Old wax fggers," whareup-
pom went for him, but he cawt me pow.
erful on the he'd & knockt ne threw the
tent into COW pastur. He pursood the
attack & flung me into q mud puddle. AS
1 aroze & rung out my drencht garments
l konkludid ftin wasn't my Fort. Lie
now rize the kurtin upon Seen End: 1t is
rarely seldum that / seek consolashun in
the Flown Bole But in sertin town in.
Injianny in the Faul Of 1S-.my org
grinder got sick with the fever cd; 4
never felt SO ashamed in my life, & I
thawt Ide hist in few swallers of suthin
strengthenin. Konsequents was I histid
in SO much l dident zackly know WHARF
bowts was. turned my livin wild
beests Of Pray loose into the street & OPP
sot my wax wurks. I then Bet I Good
play boss. So harnis myself to a Ka-
nal bote, there bein two other hosses
hitcht on likewise, 1 behind & anuther
ahead of me. The driver hollered for lis
to git & we did. But the hosses bein onus-
ed to such arrangement begun to kick
& squeal & rair up. Konsequents was |
l1ickt vilently in the stummuck & back, g.
prezcntly 1 fownd myself in the Kanal
with the other hosses, kickin and yellin
like tribe of Cusscarorus savvijis. I was
bein carried to the tavern On hemlock
Bored I sed in feeble voise, "Boys,
playin hoss isn't my Fort"
MoRAUL.-Never don't do nothing
which it isn't your Fort, for eff you do
you'll find yourself splashia round in the
Kanal, fggeratively speakin.
FASHIONABLE WoMEN.-Fashion kills
moro women than toll or sorrow. Obe-
dance to fashion is a greater trangression
of the laws Of woman's nature, greater
injury to her physical and mental consti-
tuition, than the hardships of poverty and
neglect The slave woman at her task