The Smoky Hill and Republican union. [volume] (Junction City, Kan.) 1861-1864, 1861-11-28
JOHN Johnson

ptHCI cIiu uOW Wuab
call, this mundane vale of tears.
Johnson, | am panied to say, is not a
rare cognomen On the contrary, it is
confoundedly common. Then my first
name, John, is not Of unfrequent occur
renee Oh, why did not my parents call
me Ichabod, or Bezalael, or Magormissibib,
or some other good old Testament name,
that would have distinguished me from the
thousand-and-one other Johnsons?
''There is letter advertised for YOU"
said my partner one fine morning.
| was expecting letter from one of our
collectors out West, so | went to the post
Office to see if that might be the expected
cpistlc.
Letter advertised for John johnson %
said to the clerk.
where from, probably 2" asked he.
Somewhere out West
This is postmarked Illinois,"
THAT is it them hazarded.
lie gave me the letter and returned to
the store. This is what it contained:
"DEAR BUT CRUEL JoHN-Do return
and al will be forgiven. Your children cry
for you, and if you do not wish them to
hate you, come bacA to US again. You
shall have your own way in all things,
dearest John, if you will onl y return to
your heart broken wife,
MGHETABEL JOHNSON"
Truly, nice letter for respectable
bachelor to receive. | was ashamed Of my
self for having made such mistake, and
dared not re-enclose the letter to "John
johnson" and mail it again. 1t seemed as
If every body would know that had opened
another mans correspondence. | fancied
that the post Office clerk would jeer and
scott at me, and think it only ruse on my
part to avoid meeting the responsibility of
III treating and deserving that poor wife and
those lachrymose children. l know that
my fears were absurd, but dared not look
at the letter again. | thrust it in to my
pocket, and resolved to burn it as soon as |
should be alone
[ forgot it. Miss Eliza Sprowls remind
ed me of it. | ammo, was-engaged to
Miss Eliza Sprowls, and in moment of
tenderness, she offered to sew defaulting
button on my coat. She returned it with
note, in which she enclosed the wretched
letter from Mrs. Mehetabel johnson, of
Illinois. Miss Sprowis words were few:
'.Base deceiyer! l have loved you !!
Now, farewell forever! Return to the
woman you have so foully wronged, but
neyermore hope for forgiveness from
ELIZA"
And all that from being unfortunate
enough to bear the name of John johnson
| was in despair, and became, | am
! panied to say, somewhat irrascible.
! quarreied with my partner, and had diff
Guilty in avoiding collision of personal
naturc-not wholly unconnected with black
and blue eyes-with our carman. Just
after these little matters were adjusted, my
tailor, prosy man with gray face, came
in.
He wanted to make me uniform Me !!
If there is any one thing l am unlikely to
90, it is to wear soldier-clothes. | detest
the army. War, acknowledge, is good
thing, and soldiers are very necessary, but
buttons and gimp enrage me. A plumed
hat gives me vertigo. 1t is pschycologi-
cal idiosyncrasy Of mine to detest the army
and don't care if it unphilosophical.
| restrained the fierce desire that seized
me-a desire to kick my tailor out of the
counting-room. | became sarcastic.
"Ah. Ny uniform! Yes, suppose now
you think my figure would become waist
belt aud tight coat-don't you :? Eh?"
| weighed two hundred and twenty eight
pounds avoirdupois, and am only five feet
four
"a snug fitting coat, sir" began the
tailor, 90 is always considered"
"Ies-yes; snug fit to this'-tap-
ping my digestive organs gently" would
be considerable, certainly. All, now dom
you think have commanding appearance
Ha, ha! Don't you see? L ought to be in
command. Ha, ha, ha.'
My effort at laugh was painful to the
last degree.
The tailor began to feel astonished, if
not distressed, and was duly astonishcd to
learn that l had no idea whatever of joining
the army.
l asked him in tone of scorr, what gave
him such ridiculous notion.
He produced a newspaper, in which it
was stated that Mr.. john johnson was
actively engaged in organizing regimen,
of the Shaekles' Brigade, and the colouelcy
had been offered him by all the men so far
recruited
1 used as strong language as respectable
gentleman of business ought ever to en-
ploy, to convince the man that the John
johnson he had read about was not the John
johnson be was thinking about; and he
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