Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1861-05-31
Artemus Ward in the Southern Confedraev
THE SHOW is coNrIscArEp.
From Vanity Fair.1

was Ioi theSe many case gone and past
Perchans you sposcd I'd gone to the Toom,
of the Cappylets, tho don't know wha
those IS. Its popler noospaper Erase.
Listen to my TAIL and be silent that We ma,
here. I've been among the Seseshers,
earnin my daily peck by my legitimit pcrfes
hun, and havn't had no time wccld my facil,
quill for 1.-The Great Komick paper" if yo,
will allow me to kote from your troothful ad
vertisemcnt
My success was skaly, and likewise hat
narrer scape of my life. If what I've Dir
threw is "Suthern hospitality" bout which
we've hearn so much, then feel bound t.
obsarvc that they made too much of me-
They were altogetcr to lavish with their at
tcnshuns.
went amung the Sescshcrs with no feel
ms OF annermosty. went in my pcrfesher
nal capacity. was actooated by one of the
most Loftiest desires which can swell thu
human Boozum, viz to Civ the people thei,
moneys worth, by shown them Sagashus
be'sts, and Wax Statoots which venter tc
say air onsurpast by any other Stateots any.
where's. | will not call that man who sez
my statoots is humbugs liar and a hoss
tn'ei, put bring him bed me and I'll wither
him with one Of my skornful frowns.
But to proseed with my TAIL In my ira
wills threw the Sonny South l hearn a heap
Of talk about Sescshin and Dustin nm thr
Union, but didn't think it mounted TO moth.
in. The politicians in all villages was swear.
IN that Old Abe (sometimes called the prah..
yrie flowcr) shouldn't ever oc norpereted. -
They also made fools of themselves in yaris
ways, but as they was used to that didn't
let 1t worry me much, and the Stars and
4 nrI 20
| Moor over, was Son of Malty and a men,
bcr OF several other Temperance Societies, and
my wife she was a Dawter of Malty. and I
sposed these fax would secoor me the infoons
and perfection Of all tho filst famerles.-
Alas! was dispinted. State after State
| seseshcd and it growed hotter and hotter for
| the undersind. These things come to a
cllmbmacks in small town in Alabamy.
| where l was prcmtorally ordered to hani
down the Stars & Strips. A dcppytashun of
| of red faced men cum up to the door of INV
| tent where was standin taken money (the
| AFTERNOON exhibishun had commenst. an INV
ltalyan organist was jcrkin his solc.s .stirrin
CHINESE 1--WE air cum, Sir" said a milling.
tary man in cockt hat, "upon hi and
holey mishun. The Southern Eagle is
screamin therewout the sunny land-proud.
ly and dcfiantly scrcamin, Sirr'
What's the matter with him" scz I
don't his vittlcs sit well on his stummicks''
That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream
all over this Britc and tremenius land!"
"Wall, let him scream. Ifyour Eagle can
amusc hisself by screamin, let him went ~
The men anoyd me, for was Bizzy maxim
change.
We air cum, Sir, upon matter of dooty
-
You're right, Capting. It's every mans
dooty to visit my show" scd |.
"We air cum"
"And that's the reason YOU air here ~
Scz /, larfin one of my slvery larfs. Ithawt
if he wanted to COAX I'd Civ him sum of my
sparklin eppygrame.
"Sir, you're inserlent The plain ques-
ton is, will you haul down the Star-Spangl.
ed Banner, and hist the Southern Flag ~
"Nary hist "
"Your wax works and bcests is then con-
fiscatcd, 4 you air arrested as a Spy ~
Scz |, my fragrant roses of the Southern
CLINE and Bloomin daffodils, what's the price
of whiskey in this town, and how many GU.
bic feet of that seductive fiooid can you indi-
vidooally hold!"
They made no reply to that but said my
wax figgers was confisticated. axcd them
if that was ginerlly the stle among thieves In
that country, to which thoy also made no re.
ply, but sed was arrested as a Spy, and
must 60 to Montgomry in !iuns. They was
by this time jincd by a large crowd of other
Southern patrits, who commenst hollcrin
Hang the bald d-headed aberlitionist, and
bust up his immoral exhibition! I" was ceas-
ed and tied to a,stump, and the crowd went
for my tent-that water proof pavilion, wher-
in instruction and amusement had been SO
muchly combined, at Is cents per head--and
tore 1t all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty faced
boys was THROWN stuns and empty beer bot
ties at my massiv brow, and takln other i'm
proper liberties with my person. Resistance
was useless, for variety Of reasons, as read
lily obsarved.
The SeseshcIs conhsticated my stoots by
smashin them to att,lms. They then went
to my money box and confisticated all the
loose change therein contained. They went
and bust in my cages, lettin all the animiles
loose, asmall:but helthy tiger among the rest.
This tiger has excentric way Of tearin dogs
to pieces, and alters sposed from his giner.
al conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in
searvin human beins in the same way If he
could git at them. Excuse me if was crooil
but larfed boystcrrusly when saw that IT,
ger spring in among the pcple. Go it, lmy
sweet cuss p inardly exclaimed, II forgiv
you for bitin off my left thum with all my
heart Rip 'em up like bully tiger whose
Larc has bin invaded by Seseshers!"
can't say for certain that the tiger scris.
ly injured any Of them, but he was seen .
few days after sum miles distant, with larg
and well-selected assortment of seats of trow-
sis in his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd
bin havin sum vilent exercise, rayther CESS
he did. You will therefore perceive that they
didn't con6sticate him much.
was carrld to Montgomry in iuns and
placed in durans vial. The jail was ornery
cdifiss, but the table was librally SUPPLIED
with Bakin and Cabbidgc. This was q good
variety, for when didn't banker after Bakin
could help myself to the Cabbidge.
l had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk
about, howsever, and was very lonely speci-
ally on the first day; so when the jailer parst
my lonly sell put the few stray hairs on the
back part Of my he'd Q'm bald now, but thar
was time when wore sweet auburn ring
lets) into as dish -heyild state as possible. 4
roIlin my eyes like manyyuck, cride -
Stay, jaler, stay attn not mad but soon
shall be if YOU don't bring me suthin to talkis