The Jeffersonian Democrat. [volume] (Chardon, Ohio) 1854-1865, 1861-01-04
Artemus Ward and Old ABE.

The last Taniy Fair has an account Of
an Interview between The President elect
and Artemus Ward. The latter fnds Mr. |
Lincoln prosecuted by applicants for Office, !
and describes the means by which he clears |
the premises:-
Good God !" criod Old Abe, "thcy cum
upon mo from the skiEo-down the chin
news, and from tho bowels Of tho yearth !"
Hu bad'n; moron got them wo'is out of
his deikit mouth before two fat ofiiss-soek-
ers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to crawl
atwcen his legs for the purpuss of appIyin
for the tolgateship at Milwawky. upsot the
President cleck e. he would heV gone sprawl.
in into the fire. piaco if hadn't caught him
in these arms. But hadn't more'n stood
him up strate, before another man cum
crushiu down the chimney, his head strikin
mo vilcntly agin the innards and prostrat.
in my voluptoous form unto tho floor. "Mr.
Linkin, shoutid the nfatooatod being, my
papers is signed by eyery Clergyman in our
town, and likewise the skoolmaster y
Stz |, you egrejis ass" gittin up g.
brushin tho dust from my eyes, "I'll sign
your papers with this bunch OF bones.if YOU
don't be little more keerful how you mako
my bread baskt depot in the futur. How
do you like that air perfumery :" SEE |,
sbuvin my fist under his nose. "Thems the
kind of papers III give you Them's the
papers you want +
But workt hard for tho ticket; toed
night and day The patrit should be re-
wardcd j.
"Virtoo,' sod l, holdin' the infs,ooa,ed
man BY the cont.colar, "virtoo, sir, is its
own reward. Look at mel" Ho did look
at me, and qualed b4 my gaso. "Tho fact
is" / continued. lookin round upon the
hungry crowd, "there is scarcely offiss for
overy lilo lamp carrid round durin' this cam
pane. wish tharo was. wish thare was
furrin missions to DO fllod on vars lonely
islands where epydemics rage incessan,ly.
and il was in Old Abc's place I'd send
every mothers son of you to tbom. What
air you here for = | continered, warnin'
up considerable, cant you Civ Abe minits
peace Don't you see he's world most to
death Go home. you miserable men, go
home & till the sile Go to pedlin tinwaro-
go to chopin wood-go to bilin sope-stutf
sassengers-black boots-git a clerkship on
sum respectable manure cart--go round as
original Swiss Bell Ringors-becum "Origi-
nal and only" Campbell Minstrcls-go TO
lccturiu at so dollars u nite--imbark in the
peanut bizniss-~rite for the Ledger--sav
off your legs and 60 round givin concerts,
with techin appeals to a charitable public
printed Oh your andbills--anything for q
honest Twin. Sut don't como round hero
drivin Old Abo crazy by your outrajus cut
tngs up!
Go home. Stand not upon the order of
your goin" but 60 to onct Ef in fivo mnits
from this time, sez /, pulin' out my now
sixteen dollar huniin cased watch. aud
brandishin' it before thor eyes, "Ef in five
minits from this timo a single sole OF you
rem aims on these here promises, I'll 60 out
to my cage near by, and let my Boy Con-
structor loose! g. il he gifts amung you,
you'll think Old Soferino Inns cum again
and no mistaker' You ought to hev seen
them scampor, Mr.. Fair. They run orf as
tho Satun hissclf was arter them with red
hot ten pronged ptchfork. 10 fvo minits
the premises was clear.
"lIow kin ever repay you, Mr.. Ward,
for your kindness :" sod Old Abe, advancin
and shakin me warmly by the hand. "How
kin ] evor repay you, sir
by givn the whole country a good,
sound administration. by poerin lie upon
the troubled waters, North and South By
pursooin patriotic, firm, and Just course,
and thon if State wants TO secede, let EN-
Sesecsh !"
; How bout my Cabnit Mlnlstre, Ward
sod Abe.
"Fl! it up with Showmcu, sir Showmen
is devoid Of politics. Tbov han't got q
, darn principle! They know how to cater tc
tho public. They know what tho public
wants, North g. South. Showmen, sir, il
honest men. Eff you doubt thoir literary
= ability, look at their posters, and see small
bills! Ef you want Cabinit as is a Cabinit
fill it up with showmen, but don't call OF
me. The moral wax fgger perfeshur
: mustn't be permitted to 60 down wbil'
!, there's q drop of blood in these vanes A
LinkiD, wish you we'll Ef Powers or Wal
, cutt wus to pick out model for beautiful
! man, scarcely think they'd sculp you
? but Of you do the fair thing by your countr,
! you'll make as putty n angel as any of us
|. or any other man A. Linkin, use tho talentl
which nature has put into you judishusl,
!, and firmly, and all will be wo!l A. Lin
: kin. adoo"
u Ho shook me cordyu!ly by me hand-wt
exchanged pictures, SO wo could gaze upor
each others liniments when far away from
e one anotbsr-be at tho hellum of the Ship
r of State, and / al the hellum of the show
r bizness-admittance only Is cents.
ARTEMUS WARD.