Daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1865, 1861-06-21
DoestIOks Eats oplum--HpIv 11e

-SSSAASAA1 .41tA OpluEns@AnNW
~. s-y1 g.. FelI. -
Does,icks took a dose Of opium the other
day. lie says. ~ ~ - '
The biissful effects began to come along
In the course Of half an hour. First / was
rich; had twenty thousand dollars in the
onnk had goud many valuable houses
IN the cityi owned half the N. y. Central
hnilrnad, aud had 50 much prairie land in
Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota. TINT I
couldn't run from one end of It to the 9TH
eF in two days, on Il lightning express
trnin.. Then Il had a wife, in fact, two
wiTes-and in twenty minutes bad TWEEN.
ty wlves-al beautiful, accomplished and
Ahcctionate. Then WAS a hero; had lust
returned from war, after killing eighteen
thousand men, aud was recelyiHg due hon
oFs. Then the Sunday Mercury had raised
my salary to three thousand dollars n.week,
and just sent in their check for five weeks
back salary. Theu had more wives
thirty Fiymore-haudsomer than the frst ones.
and richer, Then was Il patriot; had
just returned from Washington, after as
shssinating James Buchanan, md was re-
SeivinE tue plaHdits of a grateful. nation
therefor. Then somebody had died and
left me more property, and5I WAS a chari-
table benetHclor, and WAS relieving all the
wants of the poor folks in the city, giving
every man three barrels of pork, nine bags
of hour, thirty-six bushels of potatoes, and
red cart and gray jackass to drag them
home for him, t'- r,if
Then tue Supduy Mercury had raised my
salary to thousand dollars week. md
WAS paying me three months in advance.
Then was n hero again-ot' another vnric-
ty this time; had just saved thousand
lives or SO, aud the city was in delight
about me. Then ] had more wiyes--loveH-
er than before aud richer-each one with
her pocket full Of seed pBarls, and three
;Re4ka 9i diaqlpa aphsd int thAFi petti-
goats; IhenI us king aud was bosaids
had large families that hadn't seen be-
fore.-all boys, aud all soldiers, and all
generals then they were all politicians,
and all Presidents of Republics; then they
We're all editors, then all merchants; then
all clergymen, and all Becchers,. but what
ever they were, was the father of them
all, and they numbered hundred, then a
thousand, then ten thousand. Then the
Sunday Mercury lad ruiscd my salary; it
was now twenty-five thousand dollars a
week-stationery found and gas bills paid
for me-and the Proprietors had just sent
me round two years, pay in advance, in
gold, and sixty draymen were dumping it
into the coal hole by the cart lond.
Then ! began TO be more extravagant,
andundergo various smetamArphoses. First
was Il freezer of vanilla ice cream, then
was gold fish, then was new baby,
with husband interested and enthusiastic
relations then was Christmas; then
WAS balloon bound straight for the moon,
and with letters of introduction to the man
III that Interesting planet; then was II
sixteen pound trout, and Bnrnum had
bought me for n thousand dollars; then /
WAS clipper ship, the pride of the coun-
try; then l WAS Pages Venus; then was
a canary bird with FIVE extra notes to my
palate; then became flying fish; then
became shark and swallowed the flying
fish just had been; then changed into ~
sailor, and speHred The shark that had
been minute before; then became the
boatswain, and hogged the sailor who had
speared me as II shark; then WAS q slnng
shot, and caved in the head of the boat
swain who had fogg,d me when was II
sailor; :hen was policeman who melted
down the slung shor tLen waS a
Police Commissioner, and broke the po-
licemnn; then / became the people aud
elected new Commissioner; as the peo-
pie, got myself Into 40 election riut; then
! charged into the military, and artilleryed
myself as the people, and bayoneted my
self rs the people, and charged on myself,
and dispersed myself then was sudden.
" metamprph0sed inlp huge buckwheat
So &c, and was delteately Drowned ON 4
the sweetest and most trahsparentIy beau
tiful mapel molasses-weich is thehigh-
est aud best fate of n buckwhent cake;
then Ichauged again, and the Mercury put
up my Alary, to Ave thousand dollars per
week of four days, and had just sent in a
blank check for me to fill out for apy
number of years in advancei my twenty
sons had grown up TO be the best and mo-
blest of men, and held the leading posi-.
lions everywhere in the country then ]
was Mayor Of the Gity, had it not been for
a crowd of. determined citizens, who had
resolved that should be Governor of the
State; and was rescued frum this last
throug by another crowd, who had all 20
ted for me for President of the United
States andI had just given my consent
to fill that responsible, post to tue best of
my ability, when was foreibly; seized by
an army of our first families and our best
society, and compelled to aceede TO their
demand TO act as Dictator of all North AM
erica; but before | had a. chance TO say
q Yes" to this proposition, fopnd myself
declared Conqueror of the world, aud was
being invested With royal robes and things,
From this time things began to go by eOn-
trnries. I Wasn't SO rich as I had been
wasn't rich at all in fast was beggar
hadn't twenty thousand sons, only one,
and he was in the .penitentiary for steal
ing n spawned gray mare and burk-skip
brijle. wasn't a conquerOr wasn't a
governor, wasn't anybody; hadn't
saved anybody ! hadn't killed anybody
didn't have any maple molasses on me,