Daily Democrat and news. [volume] (Davenport, Iowa) 1859-1864, 1861-04-22
The Humorous Side.

The local editor of the Nashville
Patriot has not, it seems, .partaken Of
the general sense of sorrow called forth
by the collision in Charleston harbor.
He does up the humorous view as fol-
lows:
1t lie probably too late now to specu-
late upon the best and most equitable
method of settling The claims Of the par
ties; but it is very strange that Mag.
| Anderson was rot authorized to close
out the concern to the highest bidder
and divide the proceeds between the
claimants. Or if this method was not
agreeable TO both parties, they could
very easily have sent Seward and
Toombs to card conference at the half
way point between Washington and
Montgomery, with instructions to settle
the question by game of poker or sew
en-up.
1t is to be regretted that the Southern
Secretary Of War, Gen. Wdrker, could
think of no means of getting possession
of the fort without batteling it down.
We shall proceed to show that it might
have been done easily enough, and by as
many as three distinct plans, which
would have cost comparatively nothing,
and would have brought about the de-
sired result without shedding drop of
blood.
LIST. Our first plan would have been to
convert the troops in the fort into Ma
tional Democratic Convention, bring
forward Douglas and Breckenridge as
opposing candidates for the Presidency,
make the quarter master charge the
members ten dollars day for board, and
having gotten up row, move an imme
date adjournment to Baltimore. The
fort would have been evacuated at once,
and the thing would have been settled.
I'd. Our second plan would have been
to send each Of the officers and troops
in the fort copy of the Montgomery
NAL, and give him ten dollars to read it
five minutes on a stretch. At the expi-
ration OF that time the entire garrison
would have been sound asleep, and q
handful of volunteers could have gone
over on raft some time during the day,
and taken peaccable possession of the
premises. The first plan might have
failed; the second could not possibly
have done 80. The only difficulty in the
way woald have been that of getting
the troops to encounter such bore for
the contemplate sum Of ten dollars.
30. 1t will be remembered that while
the Egyptians were largely engaged in
the manufacture of mummies. and in the
worship of Apis, Isis, Osiris, and a five.
story Pantheon Of auxiliary gods in the
shape OF dogs, cats and monkeys, their
country was invated by Cambyse of the
Persian army, brave soldier, but rath.
er eccentric in the treatment of his rcla.
tons. and that he caused large numbers
OF these animals worshipped by the
Egyptians to be carried in front of his
troops and the Egyptians, fearing to
} strike sacreligous blow by attacking
the Perslans, stood panic stricken, and
fell an unresisting prey to the sword Of
the invader.
Now Why could not Secretary Walker
have learned lesson from this page Of
history, and captured Fort Sumter pref
, ty much in the same way If he had
constructed large raft in Charleston
harbor, manned it with a hundred sol
diers, enclosed in ratification Of sew.
eral hundreds Of the prettiest girls o.
the Southern Confederacy, and showed
1t out for the fort, not . soldier there
could have been hired to fire even 9
blank cartridge upon the approaching
! foe, but would have surrendered at dis
cret'on, and ell men of taste would have
|, commended their discretion in doing so
But none of these wise and virtuous
plans seemed to strike the powers tha,