The Constitutional. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1860-1861, 1861-03-30

Illuminating fact--l have never done It,
| have a distinct recollection of once
telling the truth on a witness-stand, wher
an oath of the fashionable sort would have
been money, much money in my purse
Shame to me |
The times when could have stolen va.
rious amounts of money, and certain valu.
able goods from my friends are many
but l feel that these slight peccadilloes
may be forgiven.
For my reprehensible neglect of the
other more important opportunities of my
youth, l can only throw myself on your
kindest indulgence, and beg you to be as
lenient as you may.
But have some mitigating circumstan.
ces to offer. have been in the world Of
business for several years, and l know
various styles of lying. / am confident
that, with little practice, / could make my
self a liar of sufficient eminence TO redeem
many past delinquences.
! | might become special correspondent
of the Herald. Try me, o World of Fash
ion ! I'm truly sorry didn't steal re-
greet, from the bottom of my heart, that l
didn't forge when | had chance / shed
gallons of genuine tears every day, when
| remember my shortcomings in the little
matters of perjury and falsehood, and |
shall never cease to mourn that | haven't
tried my virgin hand at burglary, arson,
or DEMONSTRATING but o mighty World of
Fashion give me one more chance.
/ won't be honest any more. My heart
is changed. ] will lie l am willing to
steal am anxious to rob put me some
where and let me defalcate; give me a
chance to embezzle. Don't cart me off en-
tirely, pray!
I'll begin to practice at home, and I'm
sure can qualify myself in month, so
that Huntington would shake hands with
me, and GODDARD Baily wouldn't feel dis
graced to walk arm in arm with me.
I've got several friends; III fitch from
them. I've got brother; III pick his
pockets of his watch when he's asleep.
have a dear old mother, but can steal her
gold spectacies. i have a boy-baby,
" Trumps" by name; he's two years old
and not dangerous foe; | can knock
him down with the poker, and rob him of
his marbles and his woolly dog. These
things will not be much in themselves,
perhaps, but they will show my sincere re-
pentance of my melancholy honesty, and
my determination to deserve well in future
of the dominant majority in fashionable
life
And when I have once won a foothold
in society | can find competent instructors
in the higher grades of the new-style
virtue.
What man under the new constitution
of Society viii not envy the lofty fame of
our late noble Secretary of warl
GODDARD Bailey will doubtless be willing
to give me some invaluable lessons in En-
bezzlement, while our late Postmaster of
New York can instruct me- well in the ac-
complishment of Defalcation. How few of
our last Legislature but would be compe-
tent and anxious to initiate an enthusiastic
novice into all the mysteries of Secret Bri-
berry and Lobby Corruption! Would
Boole or Brady hesitate to admit me to
the mystic circle of the Aldermanic
Ring ?" And then, what invaluable
knowledge could not gain in the highly
respectable art of Contract Swindling, from
those eminent practitioners, Russell, Ma
jcrs, and Waddle2
Oh | shall do well, never fear me
When once have a chance, I'll give a
good account of myself. Hear me, O
World of Fashion now born, and fast
coming to triumphant maturity, take care
full note for future reference, of the words
here put on record, by me, Doesticks:
j repudiate every magnanimous action |
ever performed, if any such there be ; |
revoke every disinterested, unselfish thing
| ever did; repent every deed, or word,
or thought of mine, Of any goodness, no.
bienes, integrity. Or uprightness, if any
such there be and | take back every
thing have ever done, or wanted to do,
or hoped TO be able to do, that might pos
sibly he construed into a leaning to the
side Of that puerile thing, once called Nir-
tue, now questionable, and so soon, let us
hope to be obsolete and forgotten.
am henceforth Rascal, Scoundrcl
to the marrow Whole-fIog Villain, if |
may be excused that inelegant, but ex-
pressive phrase my aim is high in the
fashionable world | hope, by years of
careful and studious attention TO the new
social code, some proud day 10 be received
as the friend-though never, Of course, the
equal--of our august leader, the grim,
gloomy, and peculiar Fernando the First
Friends ScoundreIs! Brothers
Let MS wait and hope, for the good time
that has been 50 long coming is even now
at hand. =.
SHERIDIANA.-Ihat amusing and Cos
siping volume, "The Wits and Beaux o.
Society" gives numerous instances O