davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
CHAPTER II.

Aner'a long and toilsome journey backwards,
of ten minutes and forty-niue seconds, over an
area of country, seventy-twO thousand miles in
extent, circular measure, he arrived on the
wings of love, this toes sticking out through his
worn and dusty shirt-collar, and his ears sawed
off by his highly polished gaiteFs) at the dwell
ling Of his ducky-darlIng, and stealthlly, whls-
ting "Yankee-DoodlA" with the variations of
"Sweet Home,' he madly and "gently as the
falling dews of even" rushed in, and giving one
"wld and prolonged yell Of mortal.agony," sea-
ted himself upon the fender, in front OF huge
vawnlng Fireplace, where against the "stern,
rock-bound coast" the briny waves of oblivion
beat their jolly requiem to the melancholy tune
Of "Granny, will your dog bite" sc.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

Forty BABIES IN Ten DAYS lie Claire a
gainst the World As an inatasce OF the rap
id increase IN importanc" and population 0 the
Western countrY-as an instance OF the cheer
ing abundance Of the crops of Scott county-as
an instance of the soundn5ss of the citizens Of
lie Claire on the goose question, we chronicle
the tact--we point with feelings OF Just county
pride TO the imposing fact, that the full numb9r
of forty births have taken place 10 the town OF
lie Claire within the last ''ten days." Talk
about your big potatoes ABOUT your wheat, for
ty bushels to the acre talk about secession and
disunion, and all such stuff-that amt nothing
compared with this mighty vindcaton ofIowa
progress and Iowa institutions. Forty babies
in ten days forty homes made happy; forty
inbilant fathers: forty cradles TO rock; forty
thousand screams Jerusalem, what coun-
try
The doctors say that the good mothers are
quite Gas we'll as could be expected thank you,
and the children are all smart, healthy, pretty ;
able to draw their regular ratons, and are prin-
cipally glrs.-DaUenport (lowal Gazette.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
CHAPTER VI.


The prolonged, agonzing cry of the pater
famittaS, aroused bis entire household from
then slumb'r, and simultaneously they rushed
IN his wife, plump, daPpled-bay little bod
dy. iC Kentucky jean roundabout, with red mo-
rocco cap-strings, cane on hand gallop from
The spring house, where she had been engaged
for three weeks, churuing the suilk of human
kindness" along with the scream of Joke, Pin
the vain attempt to get some Holland gin tot
which The aforesaid old lady was very fond) y
his three sons, fine looking, cross-eyed, hump
backed fellows came in, single file, four abreast
mounted two by two, oo cross barred tom-cals,
from the bayfield, where they had been husk-
ng the "golden ears of autumn" aad playing
mum5e-de- peg with their great-grandmother,
and his other daughter, the child OF his old age
and tfs pride ot his house, cane Screecbing, ou
a fast troi, from the garden, where she bad been
engaged in reading from an ancient Dutch au-
thor, ina copy Of the "BrItlsh Poets," the heart
rendng epic of "OId Grimes Cow :" and eat
ing the seeds Of that conservative plant
sTbat tarDs on her cod when be sets,
The SANE look that she turned when be rose, -
and slipping nectar from pumpkin blossoms, and
Frightening heI already dazzling complexion
with tbat never-falling cosmetic invented for
the daughters of the gods, viz tansy ana but
termlIk.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
CHAPTER =.

They sparked and spanked and might have
continued sparkling until the present time, but
as then evil stars would have 1t, the sparks at
trac;ed the attention Of her paterna ancestor,
daddy as be was lenderIy called, long, raw
boned, sarrel animal, about nineteen and half
hands high, as he was riding home from mar
ket on venerable gray-headed individual OF
MAJESTIC nipn, with flaps to his waistcoai, and
greasy nee-breeches) and he thought his domi-
Gil was in a confagratton, and in "swate Irish
brogue," strongly marked By Frich Dutch ac-
cent he hoIlrred F-I-E-R F-I-E-R
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

-LET THAT BANNER WAVE

On. let that starry banner wave
To glad the PATRIOTS eye,
And tell in these degenerate days
OF brighter days gone by
OF days VIXEN meath il in the dsh:
The bronzed warrior stood,
And bare It's folds in glory's light
O'er crimsoned fields OF blood.
Still let it tell Of strife and tears,l
OF martyr'd spirits ded,
And of the long and toilfnl years,
Through which our fathers bled.
Still let it tell OF Bunker's height,
OF Monmouth's CORY plain
OF those who poured in Camden's fight
Their blood like summer rain.
Still on its folds beam every star
IN bright and dimless ray,
And palsied be the hand would mar,
Or tear one gem away,
Forever let that banner wave
To tell of deeds sublime,
And light each nation struggling Ger
The stormy sea oftime.
Then fseemen, round it firmly stand
With high and deep resolve,
And stay the wild fanatic band
That struggles ssto Dissolve
Swear by the hope Of future days
The dead o. days gone by,
That still IN glory'g teathless haze
That flag shall wave on high,
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
THE KISS

THE Kiss
Who gave that kiss the teacher cried
Twas Harry Hall, John Jones replied.
Come here TO me old Swtchem said,
And solemnly he shook his head
What evil genius prompted You
So rude thing IN school to do9
Said Harry, | can hardly say
Just how it happened. Any way,
To do sum she whispered me-
And round my face her curls-you see
That IS, her cheek-and land l.
Just kissed her, but don't know why.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

Gln Cincinnati, an lrishman became angry
a. darkey, and broke seven or eight bricks
upon hrs head without doing him the least in
jury. The negro. who was perfectly cool du-
ring the operation, exclaimed HStruck away
white man-dis' don't mind dem pebbles
no how yah yah -
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
CHAPTER Ill.

Our hero renamed sitting in the position we
left him at the close ot the last chapter, as quiet
as a mouse, snortng and gigghng all the tune,
fo7 the space of seven weeks, when suddenly
his ears were greeted by noise like 'fthe rus
thing of angels WINGS" and looking up he saw
his hearts dearest idol sliding down the an
tiouely carved balustTade of the smoke-house
stairs and rushing towards her with impatient
out stretched arms, be deliberately and convul-
sively cried out ''boo-oo-o !" at which, with
one wild, despairing exclamation of "Oh gOlg Z"
she fell into protracted and death-like swoon,
keeping all the time one eye open.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

GA Young lady was waltzing the other p
venIng, and gentleman friend was standing
near. During a momentary pause, be said TO
her
"Tsaw them-they're blue.''
Now il appears the young lady had blue rn-
setts on her slippers, and also blue eartprs. and
being uncertain as to which her friend referred,
she concluded 10 stop wal:zing in the expanded
crinoline she then wore.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

ia writer in an Arkansas paper, who is
evidently no friend of Lincoln, gives us bis SEN
timents 10 the following style:
Two posts standani
One beam crossant,
One rope pendant,
Abram at the end ont
Glorious, splendent.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

An advocate having lately gained sui. for
a poor young lady, she remarked 81 have
nothing to pay you With, sir. but my heaft."
eHand it over TO the clerk, if you please, I
wish no fee for myself"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
yEvHE BEDFORD GAZETTE
Il Is PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY MORNING
ERY Es. n. G1EeS,

AZ the following terms, to WIT:
81 so per annum, CASH, in advance.
50 90 ss If paid within the year.
$3.50 If hot paid within the year.
r-No subscription taken for less than SIX months
p7-No paper discontinued until all arrearages are
Maid unless at the option of the publisher 1t has
seen decided by the United States Courts 4'nas me
stoppage of a newspaper without payment OF ar
rsarages. is rrima facis evidence OF tradd and IS
criminal offence.
1.-THE coarts have decided that persons are ac-
ranntable for the subscription price OF newspapers
they take them from the post oihce' Whether '''ey
iubscribe for them. OF not
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

Ng-"Ah me ~ said piouS lady, Sour minis
ter was powerful preacher for the short
time he ministered the word among US, he kick
ed down three pulpits, and banged the in'afdS
out of SIX bibles"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
C0URTING ON SCIENTIFIC PRINCE
PIES

| Among The Unnecessary evils of lie, court
| ing may be clGssed as one of the most seriou,
and interesting. II attempted at all, it should
| Ike dancing, be conducted according TO some
well defined rules. The subject has not been
entirely overlooked in books on etiquette and
department, &c, but The most plain and prac-
tIcai rules we have seen, are those laid down
by Samuel Slick, Esq, as follows:
Courtln, gal, | guess, is like young
horse m pasture. You put the oats in pan.
hiae the halter, and soit-sawder the cfittpr, aad
II comes up softly and shiiy al first, and pats its
rose to toe gram, aud gets taste, stands off
ans nonches little, LOOKS round TO see that
the coast IS clear, and advances cautious again
reszly Tor 60, II you are rough. Well, YOU
soii~sawdFl it all the time $3.50, pet gently
Pc that's pretty doll aud gets to kind like
It, and comes closer, and you think YOU have il.
MAKE gta5 at It's main, and il ups head and
tai, snorts, wheels shor; round, lets 90 both
ht4f leet at you, and oil like shot That comes
oi being in hurry. Now, il vou onlv had
pat your hand up SLOWLY towards its shoulder.
ant t0en teit along the name, t might perhaps
haze drawed away, as much as to say, bands
offIt you please like your oats, but I don't
want you but the chance is you would have
caf2ht IT. Well, what's your play. now you
haze missed ii : Why, you don't give chase,
for hat only scares the critter; but stand still
shaselhe oats IN the pan, and say cope, cope,
COPE. and It stops, looks at YOU, and comes up
agaia, but awful sklttish, stretches It's neck out
ever so Jar, steals few grains, and then keeps
a respectful dIstance.-Now what do you do
then Why shake the pan and move slowly,
Is il you were going TO leave the pastnr and
ai1~e Tor hum; when 1t rPpents for bein' so dis
'Festiu, comes up, and you slip the halter
on
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

A LAMEYT.-A weather-bound individual
standing under an awning during late show
er was beard TO utter the following lament
Twas eyer thus from chithood's hour
Tbqres a ifgl'dl!ing igl' fate has on ne fell
When amt got no umbereI
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

A bereaved Western widow addressed the
palI-bearers at the funeral with-"You pail
bearers, Just 90 into the buttery, and get some
rum, and we'll start this man right'along."
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

story is told OF tavern keeper bv the name
Of A. s. Camp. The painter, IN painting bis
sign, left ont the points, SO it read Tavern
kept by \ S c A MI
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

DEAn editor of paper in Indiana, wants
to know if Western whiskey was ever seen
'scomn' thro' the rye -
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

( GROUNDS FOR A DvoRcE.-Judge L., who
one of the most humane of legal functionaries
tells good story of an AFFAIR." booming beneath hr
! judicial eye A lady called on hIm shor
time since, stating that she desired a divorce
from her husband. The gallant Judge asked
her what good reasons she could give for such a
wish The lady stated that she did not like to
live with her husband because he was an "n-
iIdei. The Judge informed her that differ
rnce ofrelglouS opinions, or lack of them al
together. was no ground for divorce and un-
less the IA y should give reason more IN ac-
cordance with the law in such cases made and
provided, she cod not have her WISHES gratifed.
The lady 'eemed pprplpxpd, but reioined-
"Nhy, have read in the papers Of wives
beng divorced from their husbands on account
of 'infdeIity ~
O5- Eighteen things in which young people
render Themselves nnpohte
/. Loud laughter
:. Reading when others are talking.
3. Cutting fnger-nails in company.
4. Leaving meeting before it is closed.
D. Whispering in meeting.
o. Gazing atasrangers.
I. Leaving stranger without a seat.
8. wara of reverence for seniors
g. Reading aloud IN company without be-
Ing asked.
10. Receiving a present without some mani
festalions of gratitude.
Il. Making yourself the topic OF conversa-
ton
70. LaughIng at the mistakes of others.
l3. Joking others in company.
II. Correcting Older persons than yourself,
parents.
10. Commencing talking 5efore others are
through.
Is. Answering questions when put to 9TH
ers.
II. Commencing to eat as soon as you get to
The table. Aud
Is. In not listening TO what one is saying in /
comPany-unless you desire to show open con-
tempt tor the speaker. A we'll bred person I.
will not make an observation whilst another of /
The company Is addressing himself 10 it.
AB7vr THrRTY.-AIr. Charles Gist. who was
engaged in taking the census IN Cincinnati,
tells good anecdote of conversation between
him aud married lady, which will bear re-
Deating:
MADAM, what age shall I put you down
1t -
No direct answer.
CHOW old is your husband 2"
s'Sixty one.''
s'Yonr oldest son ~
pr.,,anl v-oar'---, -
.AHd tae next z"
'sFwenty one"
s'And how old do you call yourself 20
s'I do moi Know my age exactly, bot it is a.
,out thirty"
add understand you madam, that our Oh
lest sen was y ~
eyes"
s:You must surely then, be more ,than thir-
y"
"Well, sir, quite snapPishly,) told you a
,out thirty. I can't tell exactly it may be
hrty one or Two, but I'm positive not over
hat"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

FFe"Mr. Jones, why do you wear that bad
bat ~
"Because, my dear sir, Mrs. Jones vows she
will not 60 out of the house until I get new
one"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25
How TO RUIN YouR HEALTu.-

How TO RUIN YOUR HEALTu-
1st. Sleep in bed late.
ID. Eat hot suppers.
Sd. Turn day into night, and night into
day.
4th Take no exercise.
9th. Always ride when you can walk,
6th. Never mind wet feet.
7th. Have half dozen doctors.
9Th Drink all the medicine they send you
10Th. II they do not kill you, quack your
self.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

rFQuilp says there's many woman strong
enough TO hold a fractions horse who cam. hold
her tongue.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

fCFThe following beautiful stanza is copied
from a'young lady's album.
''Falr made, when bold ure face
s. gaze in two ure azbur ize
NY love is warmed in blaze,
& thauts within mi bosom rize
2 big for mi week tung utter,
which leaves mi hart awI IN fuuer."
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

rF"Bob, is that dog OF your'n point
er ~
sNo. he's half hunter and half setter; he
hunts bones when he's hungry, and sets by the
stove when he's satisfied"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

LA clergyman Of Concord, n. H., met a
little boy OF his acquaintance on the cars, and
said to bim:-
this IS quite stormy day, my son."
"Yes, SIR" said the boy "thls is quite wet
ram"
The clergyman, thinking to rebuke such hy-
per5oe, asked Il be ever knew OF auy other
than wet ram.
81 never knew personally of any other, -
said the boy, ''but have read in a certain book
of a time when it rained fire and birthstone, and
I guess that was not a wet rain"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

H-The man that drew long breath has Ia
ken another chance in the same lottery.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

G-"The little darling-he didn't strike Mrs.
Smiths baby purpose, did he? 1t vas mere,
accident wasn't it, sonny 2"
eyes mar, TO be sure ii was, and ii he don't
behave himself I'll crack him again."
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

70 When you see gentleman at midnight
on the step in front of his house combing his
hair with the door-scraper, you may judge he
has been out TO an evening party.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

Essence OF You've AMERIcA.-ScPna-Cab-
in of the New World. Little boz, with ''let-
ter in the post-oiIice," cycling old gentleman
in blue and ''ya,Ier,' and with large mouth.
Little Boy (enqnlrlngly)-"Who made that
slit under your moo, old feler 2"
Old gentleman-"Slr, you are impudent."
Little Boy, tsuggestively)-Careless cuss,
want he ?--cut little deeper he'd had yer
head ort''
Old gentleman vanished to the tune of $50
it while yer young"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

N-rhe following occurred in school IN
this country
Teacher-What part of speech is the word
egg 2"
Boy-lhesitahngl --"Nouu, Sir"
Teacher-'What's ifs gender ~
tperplexed) )-"Can't tell SIR"
Teacher-|Is it masculine, feminine, or neu-
ter ~
Boy-(looking sharp)-Can't say, sir, till IT
is hatched -
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

IThe following is literal copy of the
last questions proposed for discussion in a
coIored debating club where phoneticS were
practiced
Is dansin morellie rong?
Is the redn OF fctishius works commendi-
BILE
Is it necessary that females should receive
thurry edicashun
Ort females take part in pollyti X
Duz dress constitute the morrel part of
wlmmen?
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

How AN HONEST OLD NEGRo oUTwITTEp A
PARTY OF LITIoNIsTs.-A short time ago, a
wi3ow lady, living near the northern line OF
Missouri, sent her negro man with load of
wheat 10 mill in Iowa, to have it manuiactu-
ed into flour. The EmiIl was crowded on his
arrival there, and the prospect was that he
would have to wait several DAYS Tor his "urn -
| While waiting, some of the ssireedom SHREK
ers' IN that latitude, got around the darkey and
proposed aiding him 10 securing his freedom.
The negro seemed To be struck with the idea,
bct did not have any money to pay his expen-
ses. "Well," said they, ''selI your mules -
son't know bout dat missus couldn't get a.
osig widout dem,' said Cuff "Weil then, YOU
can sell the wsgon-that will bring the money!
80 I'll, believe mizsus needs de- wagon too.
aEagered The black, ssbnt II had de lBhe-4
ground, could SELF ur io1f --tiat would tetelI
the money" s'Oh, well, - said the negro equal
ilyist, eve will swap you flour for your wheat
to accommodate you" So the trade was made.
The wheat was exchanged for tae proper por
ton Of flour and The colored man was loaded all
ready to drive off and sell.hs -four But when
he was about ready to start, ne said "Massa
Is bin s,udyn' 'oout freedom, bot | don't be-
hsve mjssus can spare De -four erher,' and
drove of with broad grin, displaying two
rows OF ivory, much to the modification and
vexatio2 OF our negro loving Iowans.
SLIGHT Vocal SUPPLEMENTARY bore
who is the greatest OF all bores is he that reads
10 you aloud. Ii he reads his own composition
BE- deserves death. 4 Partisan gentleman, at
hcted with the presence OF q young poet who
was gwen to this trick, shut hls mouth forever
~ the following manner The bore had read
a poem an hour long. Al its close he vas O.
verwhelmed with Compliments and fluctuations,
fer there is some remnant OF lip poiten, IS yet
eyfaGt in Palis. But people looked INTO each
others Countp0dnCes with silent gloom. Was
this precedent for future infections II so,
the Reunion might as well be broken up at once.
The host, gentleman ofeXceeding tact, OWNED
what was passing in the minds OF his guests, and
restored confidence bV a stroke worthy Of a
Tallevrand. Approaching the youthful poet
modeslIy awaiting the anticipated tribute TO his
genius, the gentleman seized both his bands
and in a delighted tone exclaimed, "Aiy dear
sir You cannot imagine how much | am
pleased and aslonishad I thought you were
tenor, when. in reality, your voice is very
fine barvtone ;" The incrpient bard is not like
ly 10 read anymore verses in that house, as may
well be imagined.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

I5A soldier who was once wounded in bat
tie. set up terrible believing. An Irisbman
who laid near, with both legs shot off, immedi-
atelv sung ont
"Bad luck TO the likes OF rp, do We think that
nobody is kilt but vourspIfr'
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

CHAPTER w.
Whea our hero saw the sad results of bis inn
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

'No levity 10 court, sir. Sheriff expose this
man to the atmosphere. Call the. 3ezt case!'
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

Written expressly for the Baafor@ Gasstte.
GREAT PRIZE LIE!
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

o. When we read the almost interminable
sentences of some writers, we cannot help
thinking that their readers are in danger OF be-
ng entenced to death.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

Personal "When are you going to COM
mence the pork business ~ asked person of
another, who bad sty on his eye
"ExpIain yourself, sir, said the afflicted gem
tleman.
"Why I see that you have your sty quite
ready"
"Trues" replied the other, sand sI'ye a hog
in my eye row -
Tie qaeFist vamosed.
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

A HiGH Julius, why didn't you
oblong your stay at de seaside 2"
sKase, tell you Mr.. Snow, dey charge too
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

"Why, de landlord charged dis coloTed in
dividual wild stealing de great big silver
spoons"
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

"Ain't there no exceptions ~
ono sir, 10 exceptions whatever"
''Judge, think you are mistaken, Suppose
or instance, | should brandy puncu bim-what
hen ~
The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-01-25

GZ-"Judge, you sag If punch man, even
10 fun, he can take rre'up for assault and bai-
ter I"
eyes. sir, said thai, and what said re-
peat, II you punch man YOU are guilty Of a
breach Of the peace, and can be arrested for