Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1861-06-13
Artemus Ward in the South.
HIS TRIALS AND ADVENTURES.

parison to my trubles. | came pesky near
swearin some profane oath more'n onct, but
| hope | didn't doit, for I've promist she whose
name shall be nameess Except that her initial
is Betey J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at
BaldnsviIIe Jest as soon as can scrape money
enaff together so as | can ford to be plus in
good s:ile like my welthy nabers. But if I'm
conhsticated agin I'm afraid shall coutinuer
on in my present bented state for som time.
| Gggered conspicyously in many thrilling
scenes in my tower from Montgomery to my
humsted, and on several occasions | thought
1.-THE great komic paper" wouldn't never be
! iuriched no more with my lnbricationS Arter
| hidden adoo to Jefferson D. | started for the
depot | saw ngger sittin on a fence
playin on q banjo. MY African Brother, 'Sed
|, cotr from a Track l onct red you belong
to a very interestin race. Your masteris gon
to war excloosivly on your account"
"Yess ho3s,n he replied, "an' | wish 'em
honorable graves y aud he went on playin the
banjo, arfu all over and opeuin his mouth
wide enuff to drive in au old fashioned 2
wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which | was to trust my
walIerble life was the scalieSt, rickytiest Ioolin
lot of consarnS that ever saw on wheels afore
cofins leave 2" | enquired of tie depot mas
ter.
lie said direckly, and Invent in & sot down.
haden't morne'n fairly squatted afore dark
Iookin man with swinister expression onto
his countenance entered the cars, and lookin
very sharp at me, he axed what was my prin-
cipaIes
"Scccsh :" answered. I'm a dssoIutor,
6 &c Il ri ;,l,
ems, Capt. Kidd Bloobeard Monro Edward, the
devil, Mrs. Cunningham aud all the rest of
| 'em.
You're in favor Of the war ?"
"CertiuIy. BY all all means I'm in favor
Of this war aud oso Of the rext war. I've been
in favor of the next war for over sixteen
years |"
What to the knive !" sed the man.
"Blud, Fargo bIud p sed |, tho them words
isn't orggernal with me- Them words was rit
by Shakespeare, who is dead His Mantle
fell onto the author of The Seven Sisters
who's going to hav spring oyereoat made
out of 1t.
We got under way at larst, and proceeded
on our Journey at about the rate Of speed which
is generally observed by properly conducted
funeral PROFESSIONS a hansume yung ga,
with red musketer bar on the back part of
her head, aud a sassy little black hat tipt over
her forrerd Sot in the seat with me. She
wore little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat,
and she was goiu fer to see her troo love,
who had ned the Southern army, all so bold
and gay. So she told me. She was chilly,
aud | offered her my blanket
Father livin 2" | axed.
Yes, sir"
" Got any Unces 2"
a heep Uncle Thomas is ded, tho"
Peace TO Uncle Thomas ashes. aud sue
cess to him. | will be your uncle Thomas !
Lean on me, my pretty Secesber, and lin.
ger in blessful reposc :" She slept as secoorly
as in her own house, and didn't disturb the
soIlum still ness of the night with 'ary snore.
At the first station a troop of Soiers enter
ed the cars and inquired if " Old Wax Works"
was on bored That was the diSrespectiv
stiIe in which they referred to me. Becawz
if Old Wax Works is on Dor ed" sez man
with IL face like u double -brestcd lobster.
we're going to hang Old Wax Works W
" My illustriouS aud patriotic Bummers ?"
sez I, gittn up and taken orr my shappoe,
:" if you allude to A Ward, it's my pIeaSin
doOty to inform you that he's dead He saw
the error of bis ways at l5 minits past
yesterday, and he stabbed bisself with stuffed
sledstake, dyn in five beautiful tableee to slow
moosic His lGrst words was NY perfesh-
hernal career is over ! jerk no more ~
And who be you ?"
d" I'm stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law
ofTiss I'm going up North 20 steal sum spoons
and things for the Suthern Army.
This was satisfactory, and the intossicated
prf h.
pretty little Secesher awoke and sed she must
git out there | bid her kind adoo aud Civ
her sum perviSions Except my blessin and
this hunk of gingerbread !" sed she thank
me muchly and tript galy away. There's con-
siderable human mater in man, and I'm fraid |
| shall alters Civ aid and comfort to the enemy
if he comes to Inc in the shape of a nice young
gal
At the next station didn't get orr so easy.
| was drgged out Of the cars and rolled in the |
mud for several minits, for the purpusS of
" takin the conseeJ out of me- as a SeceSher
kindly stated.
! was led up finally, when q powerful, large
Secesher came up and embraced me, and TO
show that be had no hard feeliDs agin me, put
his nose into my mouth. | returned the com,
plimeut by placing my stumick soddenlv agin
his right foot, when he kindly made spittoon
of his able bodied face Acteoated by desire
to see whether the Secesher had been YAKIMA
ted, then fastened my teeth onto his left
coat-sleave and tore it 10 the shoulder. We
then vilently butSed our heads together for a
few minits, danced round a little and sot down
in mud puddle We riz to our feet agin &
by sudden & adroit movement placed my
left eye again the Secesher's fist. We then
rushed into each others arms, and fell under
two hoss wagon. was very much exhausted,
and didn't care about gettih up agin but the