The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1861-08-28
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

: Pleasures, while they hattcr a man,
sting him to death.
- The best envelope" for the rebels
"a winding-sheet.
= A pen that requires no ink to make
il right-Hog-pen.
-Wanted-the axe with which man
split the difference.
: To kill your enemies--trcat them
to tanglcleg whiskey.
= Miss Jones says she only wears erin
oline for forms sake
= Wanted-a life boat that will float
on the sea of troubles.
= Whenever you drink, be sure you
have yonr nose above water.
- The first thing a man takes to in
life is milk-thc last is his bier. q '.
= II is better to stoop alta high door
way, than to run against a low one.
= What is society, after all, but
mixture of mister-ies and miss-erics.
- Drunkenness turns n man out of
himself, and leaves beast in his room.
= The two most precious things now
enclosed in hoops, are girls and kegs of
whiskey. 'H"-
: If oranges can be purchased for a
penny piece, how much would whole
one cost.
= Pope says an excuse is worse and
moro terrible than lie; for an excuse is
u lie guarded.
- Many writers profess to teach peo.
pie how to live. Culprits on the scatiold
would like to learn. .....
= A curious inquirer desirous 10 know
how he looked when asleep, sat with clos
ed eyes before mirror.
= What would this world he without
women! A perfect blank-like sheet
of paper, not even ruled.
- Woman-to her virtues we give our
love; to her beauty, our admiration; to
her loops the whole sidewalk.
- The ladies who wear red, white and
blue roscttes, are real patriots, and there
fore ready for an engagement"
- Cicero gave expression to a beauti-
ful thought when he said, Il go from life
as from m inn, not rs from home"
= When is it evident that a man
has swallowed house? When he throws
up window and has pane in his side.
=" Go TO thunder" is now rendered,
take your departure 10 the abode of the
reverberating echoes of Heavens artil-
lery."
- The pebbles in our path weary us
and make us footsore, more than the
rocks, which require bold effort to sur
mount them.
81 know by a little what n great
deal means" as the gander said when he
saw tho tip of fox's tail sticking out of
q hollow tree.
A young miss having been invited
TO military ball, inquired with great
simplicity if all the ladies were expected
to bare arms.
- A correspondent inquiries whether
Spaulding's prepared glue" can be used
with safety in cases of compound frac-
tures of the heat" ..
= An editor says that the only reason
why his house was not blown away dur
ing the gale, was because there was a
heavy mortgage on it.
- The following is n true copy of
letter received by a schoolmaster in Mich
igan: Sur, as you are man of mol
edge, intend TO inter my son in your
skull"
"Tbat's a beautiful birrd," said
Patrick, contemplating skunk; "but
think the darlnt must have been eddy
Gated wild the dandies OF New Yorick, he
perfumes so much"
- A pedant on voyage, being in
danger of shipwreck, and seeing the 9TH
er passengers catch hold of various ar
ticles on deck to keep them afoat seized
upon one Of the anchors.
- A bachelor advertiscS for &" help
mate" one who would prove "a COM
panion for his heart, his hand, and his
lot" A fair one replying, asked very in
uocently, How big is your lotw ~.
GLOW many deaths!" asked the
hospital physician.
Nine"
ID" Why, / ordered medicine for ten."
=" Yes, but one wouldn't take it,"
- A printer employed in Philadelphia,
was recently presented with three daugh-
ters at a single birth Three copies Of a