The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1861-02-01

Artemus Ward on his Travels.
ONro THE WING, Dec, 1860.
Gents Of the Editorial Corpse Of Family Fair:
Since 1 last rt you I've met with immense
success shown my show in varis places,
partlcly at Detroit. l put up at Mr.. Rus.
sels tavern, a very good tavern too, but
am sorry to inform you that the clerks tried
to come Gouge Game on me. / bran
dished my new sixteen dollar huntin.cased
watch round considerable, and as was
dresst in my store clothes & had a lot of
sweet-scented wagon grease on my hair, 1
am free to confess that thought lookt
putty gay. 1t never once struck me that /
lookt green. But up steps clerk and axes
me hadn't l better put my watch in the
safe. "Sir," SEE 1, "that watch cost sixteen
dollars. Yes sir, every dollar of it. You
can't cum it over me, my boy. Not at all,
SIR" know'd what the clerk wanted. He
wanted that watch himself. He wanted to
make believe as tho he lockt it up in the
safe, then be would set the house fire and
pretend as tho the watch was DESTROYED
with the other property. But be caught q
Tomarter when be got hold of me.
From Detroit go west'ard hoe. On the
cars was he-lookin female, with a green.
cotton umbreller in one hand and a handful
OF Reform tracks in the other. She sed
every woman shod have spear. Them as
didn't demand their spear didn't know what
was good for them. "What is my spear?"
she axed, addressin the people in the cars.
"ls it to stay at home & darn stockins & be
the ser>lave of domineerin man? Or is it
my spear to vote G. speak & show myself the
ekal of man? Is there a sister in these
keers that has her proper spear?" Sayin
which the eccentric female whired her UNI
breller round several times, & finally iabbed
me in thu weskit with it.
81 have no objecshuns to your goin into
the spear bizniss," says I, "but you'll please
remember l amt pickeril. Don't spear
me again, if you please" She sot down.
At Ann Arbor, being seized with a
sudden faintness, called for drop of
suthin to drink. As I was stirring the
beverage up, pale faced man in gold spec.
tacles laid bis hand upon my shoulder & sed,
look not upon the wine when it is red !'
SEE l, "This amt wine. This is old rye"
"It stingeth like Adder and bitheth like
Sarpentl" sed the man.
II guess not" sed I, "when you put sugar
in it. That's the way alters take mine."
"Have you sons grown up, Sir ?" the man
axed.
"Wall," Ireplide. as I put myself outside
my beverage, my son Artemus junior is
going on eighteen"
saint afraid if you set this example BED
him, bell come to bad end ?"
"He's cum to waxed end already. He's
learning the shoemakin biziness,"I replied.
81 guess we can both on US git along with
out your assistance, Sir" observed, as he
was about to open his mouth agin.
"This is cold world !" sed the man.
That's so. But you'll git into warm.
er one by and by, if you don't mind your
own bizniss better" l was a little riled at
the Teller because / never take anythin only
when really need it. afterwards learned
he was temperance lecturer, and if he can
iDjuce men to stop settin their inards on fire
with the frightful ticker which is retailed
ronnd the country, / shall hartily rejoice.
Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than
to pizen 'em to deth by degrees. .tt@
At Albion met with overwhelmin sue.
cess. The celebrated Albion Female Sem.
enary is located here, & there air over 300
young ladies in the Institushun, pretty
enouff to eat without seasonin or sass. The
young ladies was very kind to me, volun.
teering to pin my handbills onto the backs
of their dresses. 1t was sublime site to
see over 300 young ladies going round with
a advertisement of A. WARDS unparalleled
show, cOnspickusly posted onto their
dresses. l-sl r e-.-a 81-
They've got panick up this way, and
refooze to take Western money. 1t never
was worth much and when western men,
who know what it is, refooze to take their
own money it is about time other folks
stopt handlin it. Banks are Dustin every
day, goin up higher nor any balloon Of
which which we hav any record. These
western bankers air sweet & luvIy set of
men. wish owned as good 3 house as
some of them would break into! .-..s
Virtoo is its own reward, A. WARD.