Delaware gazette. [volume] (Delaware, Ohio) 1855-1886, 1861-06-07
Artemus Ward in the Southern Com
fedsraey--The Show Is COnfscated-

federacY-Ehe Show IS COnGsc4ted.
You hev perhaps wondered wharebouts 1
was for these many dase gone and past. Per
chans you sposed I'd gon to the Toomb of the
Capylets, tho don't know what those is- Its
poplar noospaper Erase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may
here
I've been ameBg the Seseshers, a earnin my
daily peck by my egitimit perfeshun, and
havn't had no time to weeld my faciIe quill
for the "Grate Komick Paper" if you'll allow
me to kote from your troothful advertisement
Ny success was skaly, and likewise had a
narrer scape of my life If what I've been
thew is @Sutherh hospitality" bout which
we have hearn so much, then l feel bound to
observe that they made too much Of me
They were altogether too lavish of their atten-
shRns
1 went amung the Seseshers with no feelins
of auermosity. 1 went in my perfeshernal ca
Pacity. 1 was actooated by one of the NOSE
Loftiest desires which can swell the human
BoOEum, viz to give the people fieir mon
eys worth by shnwin them Sagasilus Beests
and Wax Statoots, which / venter to say are
onsurpast by any other statoois anywhere. l
will not call that man who sez my statoots are
humbugs liar and hoss thief, but bring him
before me ard I'll wither him with one of my
skornful froWns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my
travis threw the Sonny South heared a heap
Of talk about Seceshin and Dustin up the
Union, but l didu't think it amounted to
nothin. The politicians in all the villages was
swearin that Old Abe sometimes called the
Prahayre lower) shouldn't ne yer be noggerat-
ed. They also made fools of themselves in
varis ways, but as they was used to that 1
didn't lit it wary me much, and the Stars and
Stripes continnered for to wave over my little
tent. Moor over, l was Son of Malty, and
a member of sever al other Temperance So
cieties. and my wife she was a Dawter of
Malty, and l sposed these fax would sector me
the nfoonz and perfection of all the fust fam
erlies. Alas was dispinted. State arter
State seseshed and it growed hotter for the
undersigned. Things came to q climbmax in
u small town in Alabama, where l was pre-
emtorally ordered to haul down the Stars and
Stripes. A deppytashum Of red faced metl
0lm up TO the door of my tent ware l was
standin taking money (tie AFTERNOON exhibish-
un had conmgust, and my Italyun orgauists
was jerkn bis sole stirrin Chimes.) "We arc
cum, Sir" said a niilingtary man in cockt
hat, ":upon a hi and holy mishun The South
ern Eagle is screammn threwOut this sunny
land. proudly and 'leiantly screamin, Sir"
whats the matter with him?' SCI
don't his viites set well Oh his stnmmek p
THAT eagle, sir, will coutinner to scream
all over this brite an1 tremenjus land" !
wall, let him scream. If your eagle can |
amuse himself by scrcamin, let him went =
The men annoyed me. for l was bizzy maxim
change.
I'VE arc cum, sir, upon matter of doo-
ty''-
You're right. captin; it's every mans
dooty to visit my show" said l.
ave are cum
"And that's the reason you are here" sez l, |
larfn one of MY slavery iarfs. thawt if he
wanted to joak I'd give him sum of my spark |
lin coPygrans
"Sir, you're inserlent The plain question
is, will J on haul down the star spangled ban
ner and hist the Southern flag ?"
Nary hist !" Those was my reply.
"Your wax works aud beests is then con6s- |
Sez l, "My fragrant roses of the Southern |
cline and blooming dIffodils, what's the price
of whiskey in this town, and how many cubic
feet of that seductive hooil can you individ- |
ooally hold ?"
They made no reply to that but said my
wax figgcrs WIS confscated. | axed them if |
that was giuerally the sti!e among thieves in
that country, to which they also made no re-
ply, but sed was arrested as a Spy, and MUST |
go to Montgomery in iruns. They was by
this time jined by a large crowd Of other
Southern patrits, who comm n ed h0llerin,
" Hang the baldhcaded abcrlitonist, and bust .
up his immortal exhibition" l was Ceased
and tied to stump, AMI the crovd went for
my tent-that waterproof pavilion, wherein /
instruction and amusement had bseR So
muchly combined, at Is cents per head and
tore it all 10 pieces. Meanwhile dirty y-faced i
boys was THROWN stuns and empty beer bot
ties at my massv brow, and takin other inI-
proper liberties with my person. Resistance
was useless, for variety Of rcasoas a [ read
ily observed. /
The Scses1fcrs confscutcd my stntoots by
smashin them to attums. They then went TO
nv money box and confscated all The loose
change therein contained. They then went
and bust in my cages, lettin all the animiles
loose, small but healthy tiger among the
rest This tiger has excentric way of tearin
dogs to pieces, and l alters sposed from his
yineral couduck that he'd have no hesitashun
in servin human beinS in the same way if he
could get at them. Excuse me il l was crooil,
but larfed boysterrusly when saw that tt
ger spring in among the people. go it, my
sweet euss !" inardly exclaimed, Il forgive
you for bilin of my left thumb with all my
heart Rip 'em up like bully tiger whose
Lare has been invaded by Seseshurns n'
can't say for certain that the tiger serisly
injured any of them, but as he was seen few
days after sum miles distant, with large and
we'll selected assortment of seats of troHsis in
bis mouth, and US he loekt as tho he'd bin
havin sum vilent exercise, rather guess he
did. You will therefore perceive that they
didn't cen6sticate him much.
was carried to Montgomery in iruns and
placed in durans vial. The Jail was a onnery
edifss, but the table was librally supplied with
Bakin and Cabbidge. This was good varie-
ty, for when l didR't banker after Bakin !
could help myself to Cabbidge.
l had nobody to talk to nor no thin to talk
about, however, and was very lonely, special
y on the first day; so when the jaler parst my
lonely sell, put the few stray hairs on the
back part of my head I'm bald now, but there
was time when were sweet auburn ringletsj
into disheviled state as possible, and rollin |
my eyes like manyack, cried: "Stay, jaler,
stayl I am not mad, but soon shall be if you
don't bring something to talkv' He brung me
sum noospaper, for which 1 thanked him kind
".
At larst got interview with Jefferson
Davis, the President of the Southern Con-
thieveracy. He was quite perlte and axed me