Civilian & telegraph. [volume] (Cumberland, Md.) 1859-1875, 1861-01-17
Mit aRa 45amar. .


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NrAF REroR7.-An Isras'ise lady Sit
{ ting in she same box at the opera with 3
t French physician, and who was troubled
with snaai, happeucd to cape. ''Ex.
crsc me, madam" said the doctor. II
am glad yon didn't swallow me. -
"Give 5oursef 20 uneasiness," replied
the lady, Il anpn Jewcss, ard never cas-
pork
CoULDS'T Fool H;;i.--Soon after the
telegraph was put in operation on tie line
of the Chic and Mississippi Railroad, III
Marion county, one Of .he natives step
ped into the Office and wanted to know
the price Of pork ia Cincinnati. In 8
few momenis aD answer came, with o
charge Of thirty-Eve cents for the infor-
nation but the ''hoosier' was too smart
to be caagbt in ,he, way replied:
"Oh NO, Mr.. Telegraph, you can's
fool me that way. Trn not DO green as
you think am. That darned tickin'
thing of yourn haint been cut Of this
room; watched it all the time"
A CoNstEENAb WIYE.-A few weeks
after a recent morraige, the doting hus-
band had 3ome peculiar thoughts when
putting Oh his last clean shirt. as he saw
DO appearance Of washing" He
therupon rose earlier than usual and kin
died the FIRE. When banging on the
kettle, be made noise on purpose to
arouse his easy wife. She peeped over
the blankets, and exclaimed:
my dear, what's up the day"
He deliberately responded:
"A'v put on me last clean serk' an
am gaun to wash one to myself"
VERY we'll" said Mrs. Easy, 'ye
had better wash me ane; too"
IRISH OArns. The oaths of the Irish
are very whimsical, such as "By the So
ven piper5 that SLAPPED before Moses the
night he was born, ard that's musical !"
''By thy fathers beard, and that's
hairy oath" and a variety of others;
but of aM the odd oaths ever taken, that
of witness before q committe of the
House of Commons was the most singu-
lar Being interrogated rather strongly
by the opposing counsel as to his yerac-
ity, he roarcd out "It's the sacred
truth I'm spanking; by the sowl of Dan
O'Connnell, which is big, and yer OWE
sowl, which is very little, my lord"
CLERICAL Some years ago Mr.. Kim.
well was preaching to lasge audience in
a wild portion of Illinois, and announced
his text-"ln my Fathers house are
many mansions." He had scarcely read
the words wher an old coon stood up and
said: 81 tell you folks, that's lie |
know his father we'll He lives fifteen
miles from Lexington, in old Kentuck,
in an old log cabin. and there is but one
room in the house
YouNG AMERICA -" Stanley" said
Widowcr Brown, to his hopeful of fifteen
summers, II want yon to remain at
home this cvering,'
What for, pap? Where arc you
going?"
That's a very impertinent question
for son to PROFOUND to his father, bu:
| suppose | must answer it. ain 60
ing to pay my best respects to Miss Sal
ly Patterson this evening
"No, you don't pap! I'm going tc
see her myself this evening, and tain't
no use Of both going to see the same gal
at the same time"
50 saying, young Stanley took up his
hat and walked off, leaving his father
perfectly confounced.
A SENSIBLE QUEsTIog.-A Scot and
an Irishman, thrcshing for Dutch far
mer in Fishkill, the former observed to
the latter, who was fresh from the bogs
of Killarney, that in the course Of long
residence in this country, he had remar-
ked the uncommon docility of their hor-
ses; that among the many instances of
their tractability, he had actually seen
them employed in threshing out wheat.
"Arrah, my jewel, cried Pat, 'Mr.
Murphy, am half-a-dozen years too ripe
to behave that
The Scot insisted that what he said was
true. And Pat, staggered at lergth by
his serious and repeated assertions, ex-
claimed, in tones of wonder:
And how 90 they hould the naiis.
! The Two LEGs,-An inexperienced
, young bride being asked by her cook to
, choose her dinners during tie honey
moon, was aaxious teat her ignorance
should not peep out. She called 10 mind
one dish, ara one dish Only, and tina.
she knew by name; it was eafe one.
and substantial, too--"a leg Of mutton
So, several days the leg of mutton came
obcdient to The mistress order. Per-
haps the cool: was weary Of it; at last she
ventured to inquire. should you not
like some other thing to-day, ma 'am?"
"Ycs, let US have 4 leg Of beef, for a
change"
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