The weekly Ottumwa courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1857-1872, 1861-01-09
Artemu. Ward and Old ABE.

i ArtenisIs Ward and Old Abe.
The last Taniy; Fair has an account of IN
interview between the president elect and
Artemus Ward The latter finds Mr.. Lin
coin prosecuted by applicants for Office, and
describes the means by which he clears the
premises: .r# ...1- ...-.. r..sa ,... .
Good Lord ~ c.i,d Old Abe, "they cum
upon me from the skies-down chimneys,
and from the bowels of the ycarth!'' He
hadn't more's got them words out his delk-
! it moth before two fat offisseekers from
| Wisconsin, in endevcrin to crawl atween
his lesc for the purpose Of applying for the
toll gateShip at Milwauky. upset the Prcsi-
dent eleck & he would hev gone sprawlin
into the fire place If hadn't caught him
| in these arms. But hadn't morn stood
him up strate, before another man cum
crashin down the chimney, his head strikin
me vilently aghn the inards and prostratin
my volumptoous form QUITO the floor. "Mr.
| Linkin," shouted the infatooated being,
''my papers is signed by every clergyman
in our town, and likewise the skool mas
ter"
Scz I, ''you egrejis as" gettin up& brus-
hin the dust from nv eyes, "Ill sign your
papars with this bunch Of bones, ifyou don't
lie a little more keerful how you make my
bred basket depot in the future. How do
you like that air pe'fumery?' sez | shuvin
my fist under his nose. "Thcm's the kind
of papers I'll give you! Thcm's the papers
you wantr
I But I worket hard for the ticket, I
toiled day and night! The ratrit should be
rewarded ~
"yhtoo," scd 7, ho'lin' the infltoouatcd
man by the coat collar, "virtoo, sir, is its
I own reward Look at ine !" He did look
at me, and pulled be4 my gazn. "Thc fact
is" ccntinered, lookin' round upon the
hungry crowd, "there is scarcely an offiss
for every lie lamp carried round durin the
campan wish there was fnrrin missions
| to be filed on varis lonely Islands where
eppydcmiceS rage necessarily, and if was
in Old Abe's place I'd send every mothers
son Of you to them. What air you here
for?" I continncrcd, warmin' tip considers.
ble, "can't you give Abe minit's peace?--
Don't you see he's world most to death
Go home you miserable men, go home and
| till the sile Go to bilin' sope-stuff sas-
sengers black boots-slt a clerkship on
SUM respectable manure cart-Sp round as
original Swiss Bell Ringers--hecum original
and only Campbell Minstrels-g go to lecturin
at $50 nitc-embark in the peant bziness
wrile for the Ledger--saw ofyour legs and
go round given concerts. with techin ap-
pca.s to charitable public, printed on your
handbills- anything for an honest lvin',
but don't come round here driven Abe crazy
by your outraius cut:ins up!
| Go, home. Stand not upon the order Of
your goin', but go onct. Elm 5 minits
this time," sez I, pullin' out my new SIG
huntin, cased watch and brandishin' it be-
fore their eyes. "Ef in FIVE minits from
this time single Of you remains on these
here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by.
and let my Boy Constructor loose! & If he
gifts among you, you'll think old Solferino
has cum again and no mistaken You
ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair.
They run OFF as tho Satun hsself was arter
them with red hot ten pronged pitchfork
run up theirass In five minutes the prem
ises was clear.
"How kin ever repay you, Mr.. Ward,
for your kindness 2" sed Old Abe, advancin
4 shakin me warmly by the hand. "How
kin | ever repay you, sir?' ~
"By Givin the whole country a good,
sound administration. By pocrn lie. upon
the trouble waters. North 4 South By
pursooin patriotic, firm, and just course,
and then ifany State wants to scccde, let
EN- Secedew s.s.....
"How bout my Cabinit Ministry, Ward?''
sed Abe.
"Fill it up with Showmen, sirl showmen
is devoid of politics. They han't got
darn prinsiple. They know how to cater to
the public wants, North & South. Showmen
sir, is honest men, Ef you doubt their liter
ary ability, look at their posters, and see
small bills Ef you want cabinet, fill it
up with showmen, but don't ,all on me! The
moral wax fsger perfeshun mustn't be per-
mitted to go down while there's drop Of
blood in these veins! Abe Linkin, I wish
you well I. Ef Power or Walcutt was to pick
out model for beautiful man, scarcely
think they'd sculp you; but ef you do the
fair thing by your country you'll make as
putty angel as any ofus, or any other
man! Abe Liukin, use the talents which
nature has put into you judsuly and firm
ly, and all will be well Abe Linkin,
adoOr' sg.sa d sg~gsa la4s \,
! He shook me cordyulIy by the hand
exchanged pictr res, SO We could gaze upon
each others lniments when far away from
one another-he at the hellum Of the ship
: Estate, and at the hcllun Of the show
bziniss-a admittance only Is cents F''-I
''t3A7 s" ARrEMrs Ward
Scene AT TUE Posr- OFvIcE Bridget -.
Can't yc gle me thim three half penny
stamps. : I'm akin this hour, Misther! p
i Clerk SHARPLY )-M Madam this is not the
ladies' window. I've told You SO twice be-