Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1861-06-20
NntHara1ls geaaing.
Artemus Ward in the South--His
Trials and Adventures.

Artemus Ward in the south--His
Trials and Adventures.
I had a narrer scape from the sonny
South. "The swings and arrers of out
rajus fortin," alluded to BY Hamlick,
warn't nothing in comparison to my
trubles. I came pesky near swearing
sum profane oaths more'n Oct, but l
hope I didn't do it, for I've promist she
whose name shall be nameless Except
that her initials is Betsy j. that I'll
iine the Meeting House at Baldwlns-
Vile Jest as soon as I can scrape money
enuff together so I can be piuss in good
stile, like my wealthy nabers. But if
I'm comfsticated again, I'm fraid ] shall
continner on in my present benited
state for sum time.
fggered conspicyusly in many thrill
lin scenes in my tower from Montgom,
ry to my humsted, and on sevril occa-
sions I thought ''the CRATE komic pa
per" wouldn't never be inriched nc
more with my lubrications. Arter bid
din adoo to Jefferson D. I started for
the depo. I saw niger sittin on a
fence playin on a banjo. "My Afri'
kin Brother" sed 1, cotin from Track
1 onct red, "you belong to very lnte'
restin race. Your masters is goin tc
war exclusively on your account"
eyes, boss" he replied, and he went
on playin' the banjo, larfn all over
and openin' his mouth wide enuff to
drive in an old fashioned 2 wheeled
chaise.
The train of cars in which was to
trust my wallerable life was the scaliest,
rickytiest lookin' lot of consarns that
ever saw on wheels afore. "What time
does this string of second hand cofins
leave!' I inquired of the depot mas
ter. He sed directly, and l went in
and sot down. l hadn't more'n fairly
sauatted afore a dark lookin man with
swinister expression onto his coun,
tenance entered the cars, and lookn
very sharp at me, he asked what was
my principles ?
"Seceshr' ansered. Gina Disso,
luter. I'm in favor of Jeff. Davis.
Bouregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloc
beard, Monroe Edards, the devil, Mrs
Cunningham, and all the rest of EN-
''You' re in favor Of the war;
"Certingly. By all means. I'm II
favor of this war and also of the next
war. I've been in favor of the next
for over sixteen years y
"War to the knife p sed the man.
''Blud, Fargo, blud!' sed |, though
them words isn't origgernal with me-
Them words we're writ by Shakespeare
who is ded. His Mantle fell on to the
author of "Seven Sisters whose goll
to have Spring overcoat made out o.
it.
We got under way at last, an pro
ceeded on our journey at about the rate
of speed which is ginerally observed b
properly conducted funeral professions
A hansum young gall, with red mus
keeter bar on the back part of her he'd
and sassy little black hat tipt over he1
forred, sot in the seat with me. Sh'
wore little Sesesh pin'd onto her hat
and she was goin to her troo love, wh'
had iined the Southern army, and St
bold and so gay. So she told me. Sh
was chilly and I offered her my blanket
"Father livin?" axed.
eyes sir.
s'Got any Uncles!"
"a heap. Uncle Thomas is dead
tho"
"Peace to Uncle Thomas ashes, an
success to him! I will be your Urcl
Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Sc
cesher, and linger in Blissful repose !!
She slept as secoorly as in her ow1
housen, and didn't disturb the sollur
stiffness of the night with AIRY snore
At the first station troop of Sojer
entered the cars and inquired if 'Ol
Wax Works" was on board. That wa
the disrespective stile in which they re
ferred to me. "Becawz if Old Wa
Works, is on board, with a face like
double-brested lobster, 'we are going t
hang Old Wax Works !"
"My illustrious and patriotic Bun
mersr' sez I, gittin up and taking OF
my Shappo, eff you allude to A. Ware
it's my pleasin dooty to inform you tina
he's ded. He saw the error of his way
at Is minutes past 2 yesterday, an
stabbed hisself with stuffed sledstakt
divinin in five beautiful tabloos to slo'
moosic. His last words was: "My pei
feshernal career is over! l jerk n
more!"
"And who be you %
"I'm stoodent in Senator Benjs
min s law ofiss. I'm going up Mort
to steal sum spoons and things for IL
Southern Army
This was satisfactory, and the into:
siciated troopers went orr. Al he hey
station, the pretty little Seccsahcr ;
woke and sed she must get out thes'
l bid her adoo and Civ her sum perviSi
ions.
''Accept my blessin' and this hui.
of gingerbred"' sed. She thankt II
muchly and tript away. There's c"s
siderable human mater in a man, all