The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1861-09-13
OUR FAT CONTRIBUTOR In THE
HOME GUARD.

The moment the flag was threatened, largs
bodies OF men were called upon to rally in lis
defense. Being large-bodied man, rallied,
and enrolled myself with the Home Guard. -
The drill is very severe on me this hot weather,
although am constantly allowed an attendant
with a. Tan and pitcher OF ice water.
| am constantly reminded that one OF the
first requirements of soldier is to throw out
bis chest and draw in his stomach. Having
been burned out several times while occupying
rooms in an attic, have had considerable prac-
tice in throUing out my chest, but by what sys-
teT OF practice could ever hope to draw in my
stomach I can't "dGess up"-it's no use try
ing. If my vest buttons are in line am far
IN the rear, and ii [ Toe the mark fearful bulge
indicates my position. There 10 no room for
argument IN regard to my sentimen:s-every-
body can see at glance Just Uhere 1 staad.)
One evening we had a new drill-sergeant who
was near-sIghted. Running hls eye down the
line, he exclaimed sharply:
Z" What is that man doing in the ranks with
bass drum 7"
He pointed at me, but | hadn't any drum
it was the surplus stomach that couldn't draw
in.
am the but OF numberless jokes, as you may
well suppose. They have got story in the
Guards that when first heard the command,
=" Order arms" dropped my musket, and
taking out my notebook began to draw an or
der on the Governor for what arms [ wanted,
They say ordered Winans steam gun, with
PAIR of Dahlgreen howtzers for side arms
Base fsbricators My ambition never extend
ed beyond riaed cannon, and they knew il.
Although in respect TO size belong to the
" heavles," my preference is for the light in
fantry service. MY knapsack is marked light
infantry. One evening the spectators seemed
convulsed about something, and my comrades
Uttered by platoons whenever my back was
turned. Il was all a mystery 10 me until
laid off my knapsack. Some wretch had erased
the two final letters, and had been paradrng
all the evening labeled b" "LIGHT INFANT J" The
above is one of the thousand anncyances TO
which am subjected, and nothing but my con.
sunnins patriotism could ever induce me to sub
NIT to It. rallied at the call OF my country,
and am not to be put out by the raltying of my
ComTa Tades.
overheard spectator inquire Of the drill
sergeant one day:
"Do you drill the whole OF him az once 90
"No," he returned, in an awful whisper, 81
drill him by squads 20
would have drilled him If had had bayo-
net"
Specifications have been published IN regard
to my uniform, and contractors advertised for.
The making will be LEI out to the lowest res.
ponsible bidder. In case the Guards are ORDER
ed to take the field, special commissary will
be detailed to supply my rations. This reminds
me OF narrowing incident. On last drill
night. an old farmer, who dropped in to see us
drill, took me aside, and said be wanted to sell
me a yoke Of powerful oxen.
My ancient agriculturist," said /, smiling
at his simplicity, =" have no use for oxens1
Perhaps not a: present." quoth he, I" but il
you 60 to war you will wait them"
"For what" said I, considerably annoyed.
You ,ciH tCant 'em to draU yoar rations 20
The Guards paid me a delicate compliment
at the last meeting. They elected me " Child
OF the Regiment" with the rank of first Corpu-
lent, and the pay of chief Blowyer." was
about 10 return thanks in a neat and appropri-
ate speech, when reporter who was present
assured me it was no use-he had got the whole
thing in type, speech and all, and could read
it in the evening paper. He said he kept
&" neat and appropriate speech, standing in typs
continually" ! got his views, and held my
peace.
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the Stripes,
FAT CONTRIBUTOR.