Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1861-10-24
A BACHELORS CHANCES
IN CIVIL WAR.
by w. o. EATON.

In the fifth year of the civil war, which had
far surpassed, in desolating effects, the ancient
"War of the Roses" innumerable widows and
orphans having been made a great portion OF
the land having been "drenched in fraterna
blood" and new campaign having been begun,
the "Mutual Advice and Self Protection Old
Bachelors Society" was formed in one of the
Northern cities.
Whether the cause of human freedom had
been in the aggregate aided or not, thus far, by
the brotherly struggle, it was certain that many
thousands of wives had been emancpated from
the bonds of matrimony, by the soldierly death
of their lords and the constant drain upon the
bone and sinew OF the people, in the shape of
recruits for the army had made a woful search
ty of able-bodied men at home.
The natural consequence of it was, that the
female portion of the nation vastly preponder-
ted-they outnumbered the males some said,
twenty to one-so that the masculine gender
was at a premium, still rapidly rising. The
male ones gave themselves airs in consequence,
particularly the unmarried ones.
Old bachelors stood upon their dignity, able
bodied or otherwise; and men who were both
single and young, became most awfully proud.
1t is not in nature for the generality of wi
dows to be contencd to wear their weeds for
ever the human heart yearns for sympathy
tom for the women to propose, instead of the
men. Scarcity had caused the male stock to
go up wondrously, and holders had become stiff
and wary, in view of the tremendous demand
for husbands, among both married and unmar-
ried of the fair importunate sex.
Widows and maidens had entered rivalry
of the fercest kind even wives whose husbands
were still living, but had gone to the wars, min
gled in the strife, in view of the strong proba-
bility that they, too, would soon be widowed.
On one side, the ,cidO,cs formed themselves
into societies for the better prosecution of their
captivating plans, and as a sort OF counteract-
ing influence against the charms of the maid
ems; and the mdidenS formed themselves into
rival societies, to the same great end though
the latter were less numerous-perhaps owing
to their thought that they had less need of sys-
tematized attacks upon the celibacy of the men.
Indeed, so immense was the demand at home
for the latter, that the ugliest of them began to
think themselves handsome and it was great
time even for cripples, one-eyed men, and those
who were otherwise untitled for military SER
vice.
Pending this extraordinary state of affairs,
the "Mutual Advice and Self-Protection Old
Bachelors Society" constantly held their week
ly meetings, for the grave consideration Of all
offers of marriage made to them, by letter or
otherwise, and from widows or maids, or other
wise, inclusive of such women as has represent
ed that their husbands had fallen in battle.
Letters were read, precautionary measures
adopted particularly with regard to widows
and all matrimonial advances of the week were
duly discussed, together with the policy of de-
manding still higher prices-in the shape OF
personal charms, disposition, fortune, accom-
plishments, etc. For the abundance of the wo-
men had placed an inordnate value on the men,
not they upon themselves. Masculinity was
scarce, and the demand should regulate the
price.
1t must be confessed that members of this
Old Bachelors Society were not remarkable for
their beauty, or other physical perfection. In
fact, many women thought that able-bodied-
ness in some respects was a disadvantage, as it
might sacrifice the coveted husband to the very
next call for recruits. The most desirable man
in their eyes, was he who could never be re-
garded as absolutely fit to do military duty; foi
he would be the most certain to stay at home
and do family duty. They naturally wanted
food for love, not "tood for powder"
The President of the Society was whitehar-
cd siXty-years old with a nose that turned one
side, as if he disliked to look straight down
ward to his wooden leg lie was jolly old
bachelor, notwithstanding, he had a rich oily
voice, which seemed to have been born in hi:
fat paunch, and to be proud of its birthplace.
One evening he arose, with wink and very
rreverend smirk, and thus addressed the ugly
old crowd of single sinners:
"Weil, boys here we are again, ha, ha! Wo
men are plenty as ever, ha, ha | have had
twelve offers of marriage this week, ha, ha
Civil war and bachelors rights forever. Stock
is going up, must confess, if they put it to me
much longer this way, | shall be tempted tc
sell out. What think you? Five of the twelve
are rich young widows, and say they are called
beautiful, too, and wait impatiently for an ex
animation. -Four say they are maidens, tolera
bly, well off, with good constitutions and anna
BILE dispositions, under twenty-five, and prete
to be an old mans darling rather than young
mans slave-ha, ha a.-some sense in that. The
other three acknowledge that they are past for
ty. Two of them have been married twice ant
made good thing, and offer to settle al. the.
have on me, on the bridal-day; while the thirC
admits that she is an old maid, but owns an i'm
mense tallow -chandlery feels that she is no
long for this world, and if will accept her, sh,
is mine, body, soul, talow and all, ha, ha Be
sides this she says she has long been in low
with me- spite of my wooden leg, and gives m
an affectionate warning against the arts OF youni
unmarried little chits, who are no better thai
they should be, and against designing widows
who are good deal worse than they should be
She SAYS she never loved but once, and tina
; was when she saw me. BY Jove! these ar
pressing times. Hot work, hot work. Me
are scarce. What can man doP'
any advice is to beware. Let us all be up
on our guard"
THIS warning came from thin man, with
weak voice and one arm, which he caused to d
gestures enough for three or four. ave kno'
{ very well that we men are scarce, and wome
plenty, and over-p plenty. What if we are OF
bachelors? Why hold letter in my hanj
! wherein beautiful young widow declares tina
most widows prefer old to young bachelors
, knowing that we are better fitted by experience
to make satisfactory, apprecatiye husbands,
the women has anything north appreciating.
say let us beware.-lime enough yet. Don
| let us go off too cheapW
Good !" muttered several old single stick
"The women have bantered us for many
year, and now it's our turn to bother thel
some"
"Ihe President is now ready to hear the reat
ing of such proposals as have been made frol
, the opposite sex. together with such sugge
tions as may be offered with view to our sci