The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1861-08-14
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS,
= An eloquent speaker is like river
at the mouth.

greatest at the mouth.
-" I'm getting fat" as the thief said
when he was stealing lard.
- A man took chloroform for fun, in
Philadelphia, and died in earnest.
- Dog-stealing in the second degree
hooking city made sausages.
- A man in New York advertises a
lost umbrella. Is the man deranged OF
crazy?
- The sweetest flowers ever scattered
in an old bachelors pathway, are the two-
lips of a pretty girl.
"Silence that dreadful belle," as the
man said to loud sneering miss in the
Howard Atheneum.
= Prentice says that the talent of
making friends is not equal TO the talent
of doing without them.
- The parson who was on his knees,
retching violently, spirited forth: "Only
an outpouring of the spirit"
- A Yankee in Iowa has just taught
ducks TO swim in hot water with the sue
cess that they lay boiled eggs.
- A hcnpecked husband says that in
stead of himself and wife being one they
are ten; for she is l and he is 0.
- To lover there are but two places
in all the world-one where his sweet
heart is, and the other where she isn't.
- Above par-State stocks and spoil
ed boys. The latter are not only above
par, but above grand-par and the whole
family.
- Things are so linked together, that
DR.. Francis said rise of 25 per cent in
logwood would ruin half the port wine
dealers in the country.
How is it possible to proceed in two
opposite directions at the same time p
BY walking from the forward to the after
part of the vessel while sailing.
- A gentleman having presented his
church with the "ten commandments" it
was wittily said that he gave them away
because he could not keep them.
- The great local sensation of Skow-
hegan, Maine, at the present time, is fur
- A man recently purchased link of
sausages, and was nearly choked to death
by a piece of brass collar marked "Fido."
How the collar got into the sausage is tho
question.
= A wag up town, passed by house
which had been almost consumed by fire,
inquired whose it was. Being told it was
q ha,ter's, "Ah," said he, =" then the
loss will be felt"
- When VIC asked man few days
since, what induced him to make law
student of his son, he replied: "Oh, he
was always lying little cuss, and tho't
l would humor his leading propensity"
- A western editor, speaking Of fat
cotemporary, remarked, that if all flesh
was grass, he must be load of hay
81 suppose | am" replied the fat man,
from the way the asses are pibbling at
me-"
- A Freedman thinks the English
language very tough. Dare is look out,
he says, (which is to put your head Out
and see; and look out, which is for &c
haul in your head and not see-just con
trairie."
= A Scotchman who had put up a
an inn, was asked in the morning how hC
had slept. "Troth," said Donald, "na'
very well either, but | was muckle bette
off than the bugs, for dell ano o then
closed an e'e the hale night"
- An Augusta, Me-, editor, thus dis
tinguishes between different sorts of pat
riots: "Some esteem it 'swcet and de
corous' to die for ones country; other
regard it sweeter to live for ones country
and vet others hold it TO DO sweeter still
TO live upon ones country.
= The art of spreading rumors is com
pared to the art of pin making: Their
is usually some truth which is the wire
as this passes from hand to hand, on
gives it polish, another point-other
make and put on hcad-anG at last tn
pin Tor the rumor) is completed.
"A runaway slave who made his wa.
to Cairo, where he did good service in tn
entertainments, was asked if he did no
wish to go back and fight. He replic
with q grimace, "Laws, no, Massa, di
nigger is not fghtin' nigger, he's rur
nin' nigger."
- The most extraordinary instance
patience on record in modern times,
} that of an Illinois Judge, who listened s
lently for two days while couple
wordy attorneys contended about the col
struction of an act of the Legislature, an
] then ended the controversy by quietly r.
i. las Ng