davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
ssB0d for the CWvv.0

s'RBad for the Gov.o
When George Stephenson, the celebrated
Scotch Engineer, had completed his mode,
Of locomotive, he presented himself be-
fore the British Parliament and asked for
the attention and support Of that body
The grave NJ P.'s, looking sneeringly at his
invention, asked:
so you have made a carriage to run only
by steam, have you:'
Yes, my lords
well, now, Mr.. Stephenson, let us show
you how absurd your claim is. Suppose
when your carriage is running upon these
rails at the rate of twenty or thirty miles
an hour, if you're extravagant enough to
even suppose such a thing is possible, a cow.
should get in its way. You can't turn out
for her-what then!'
Then twill be bad for the cow
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
Ee The pkiladelnhia Eress saws II

~ The Philadelphia Press says it is
right for printers to know that, while, until
"a recent period, actors were legally dcsig-
mated vagabonds in England, q statute
passed in the reign of Queen Anne, which
distinctly declares thai printers, like attor-
neys, are gentlemen. The distinction arose
in this wise: When swords formed a part
Of gentcel attire, they were worn by many
who, neither by birth, education nor cali
ing, were entitled to be considered gentle.
men. To place the matter out of dispute,
an act Of parliament was passed, in which
were set forth the various classes author.
lied to wear swords or rapicrs, as part Of
their custom, and in this statute printers
are expressly named as entitled to what, at
that period, was considered privilege.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

A HARD SHELL SERMON My BRETHREN
said hard shell Baptist, who was holding
forth one Sunday, if a mans full of rclig-
ion you can't hurt him. There was tho
three Arabian children-they put 'em in a
fiery furnace hetted seven times hetter than
it could be het, and it didn't singe Tar on
their heads. And there was John the Evan.
geler they put him-and where do you
think, brethren and sisters, they put him !?
Why, they put him into caldronic Of
biln' lie, and billed him all night, and it
didn't faze his shell. And there was Daniel
- they put him into lions den. And
what, my fellow travellers and respected
auditors, do you think he was put into a
lions den fore Why, for praying three
times day. Dsn't be alarmed, brethren
and sisters; l don't think any Of you will
ever get into lions den!'
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

WHAT PEIDE DOES ron us.-We have al.
ways admired the shrewdness Of that di.
vine, who, on announcing collection, in.
sisted that nobody should put penny in
the purse who could not fully pay up his
debts. OF course nobody could he induc-
ed to withhold liberal contribution, for,
such is human pride, most men would
rather bcggar themselves by ostcntatious
charity than confess toa poverty which
might subject them to the humiliation Of
being pltied. Pride is a very expensive
luxury. How comfortably could nil but
the poorest live, had they but less of it,
And yet without it, what would sustain
them in their hours Of tribulatiOn?
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

AN ExcIrED MEMBER RlsEs.-At one Of
the Worcester churches, last Sunday, the
Clergyman, while proceeding in very ear
nest discourse, said that no man could be
first rate in two different occupations, add
ing. among other things, no man ca,r At
the same time be a first rate clock maker
and first rate boot maker Here man
in the congregation rising swiftly, inter-
rupted him, and asked permission to corr
trovert that sentiment He maintaincii
stoutly that it was not true, for he himself
was first rate at both clock making and
boot making. He could match the best in
making boot, and work at clock with
the best man in Worcester. Of course
there was great stir in the congregation,
but the clergyman soon induced his critic
to yield the floor and allow him to 60 on
with his DISCOURSE
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

'Lo NEcs.'-The Cleveland Plaindealer
has correspondence between two servant
girls. Mary Jane Peck, in one of their let
ters, thus describes the latest style of dress
to Maria Ann, who lives in tn. country
''As for the 10 necs the loer it is the more
'ashunabcl yu are and the les close you
ware the moar you ar dressed. miss Goolra
CAV me blue silk ovherz an cut it's nee
orf and susan simunz cut OFF herr an We at.
!rax CRATE decl Ov attensl,un to our necs
promenadin in the streets like uther ladys
and h"liin up our cloze. nobudv int
nothing now who dusnt hold up hur cloze
and the hier yu holzc them the NOR yu air
thot Of"
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

Losses IN BArTLE.-At Austerlitz tho
French lost IA men out Of every hundred.
the Russians 80, the Austrians "a, or near.
ly one. half. At Wagram the French lost
lS men out Of every hundred, the Austri-
ans IA. At Moscow tho French So, tho
Russians ~. At Bautken the French 20,
the Russians II. AT Waterloo the French
SO, the Allies 81. At Magenta. June 4th,
1889, the French Z. At Solferino the
French and Sardinians 10. the Austrians
8. 1t is somewhat remarkable in the last
example, that the army which was hest
provided with riHed arms did less damage
than the ono which was equipped in til"
old style.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

The following, We believe, wss never seer,
in print. Ogden Hoffman used to tell thu
story. He was in the grca, fght between,
the Constitution and the Guerfiers, and
said that as the British ship came sailing
down on them, as they heard the sharl
orders, when the guns were run out, and the
men cvhld be seen ready with their match,
locks, an officer came in haste to Captain
Isaac Hull and asked for orders to fire.
mot yet" was the quiet response. Az
they came still nearer, and the British Yes.
sci poured in her fire, the first lieutenant Q.
the Constitution came on the poop and
begged permission to return the broadside,
much longer. Not yet" was the indiffer-
ent reply. Still nearer the British ship
came, and the American prisoners, WIN
were in the cockpit Of the Guerriere, after.
wards said that they began to believe thai.
ther own countrymen were afraid to nlca-
sure their strength with that of the enemy
and this thought gave them more pain thar
the wounds which some Of tlem were still,
suffering from. ...r .. + ~....
In moment after the Guerrero rods
CALAMITY forward, showing her Furnished
sides, and as the swell carried her close to
the very muzzle Of ''Old Ironsides," Capt.
Hull, Who was then quite fat and dressed.
in full tights, bent himself twice to the dccL
and with every muscle and vein throbbins
with excitement, shouted out as he made
another gyration, Nov, boys, pour it into
them" That broadsidc settled their oppo-
nent, and when the smoke cleared away the
Commodore's tights were TO be seen spill,
from waistband to heel. Truly the Com4
modore had soul 'too big for his brcecl,.
es." Hoffman used to add that Hull.
nothing disconnected, gave his orders with
perfect coolness, and only changed his
tights when the British commando 5 sword
was given up 10 him.-N. y Post.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
A Good EXcuse.

A Good Excuse.
In one Of our ncighbo.ing towns the lads
Of school acquired the habit OF smoking,
and resorted to the most ingenious methods
to conceal the vice from the master. Tn
this they were successful until one evening,
when the master caught them at it, anJ
stood before them in awful dignity. -.
'How now ? shouted the master to the
first lad 'hsw dare you be smoking to-
bacco?'
Sir said the boy, 4 am subject to hcad1
aches and pipe takes off the pain
And youy aud you! and you?' in.
quired the pcdasogue, questioning every
boy in his turn.
One had a "raging tooth" another
"cholic;' the third Cough" in short,
they all had something. ...
Now, sirrah,' beloved the master to
the last boy, what disorder do gnu smoke
for?"
Alas all the excuses were exhausted !;
but the interrogatcd urchin. putting down
his pipe after farewell Whit, and looking
up in his masters face, said, in a whining,
hypocritical tone:
Sir, I smoke for cornsH
The master looked at him for d inonc ut
in silence, and then walked nome.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

A WOODEN MOTHER. We have heard OF
wooden nutmesS, wooden hams, horn gun
tlintS, wooden oats and wooden clocks, but
what infusion Of Yankee ever tinctured a
John Bull to invent wooden mother? Tn.
following. by correspondent Of the Mark
Lane Express, describes the new inv,n-
ton:
fine sow, having twelve sucking pigs,
belonging to Il pork merchant in Monk
wcarrn"uth, was taken i'll aud died sudden
'y. The proprietor, who is an ingenious
character, set t. work and formed a rough
model Of a sow in wood. being holow in
the center, the abdomen being furnished
With twelve teats, cleverly formed Of raw
hide. The interior Of tn. model is kept
filled with milk, and the whole Of the Young
pigs suck from teatS Of this singular looking
wooden SOW, and all are thriving.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

AZ A brother Of the Jackson who shot
Ellsworth shot Minnesota soldier at
Springfield, KY. few days since. Elewas
arrested. and will probably be hung 4-AL
bany Ersaing J0"raal. q.
Mr.. Seward had the mother Of jackson
arrested and sent to prison, but clearly too
la:e. Confinement has no tsrrors for her
now. She must have had about two hund.
red and fifty.two sons, judging from, tho
number Of "brothers Of jackson" We hayo
heard of-Al6ony Argue. -
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

AGLoRIoUs SIGHr.-When the San Ja-
cinto, with Messrs. Mason and Slidell on
board, stopped at Homes Hole, on her way
to Boston. feet Of one hundred vessels,
which had been driven to take refuge there
by stress Of weather. paded Capt. Wilkes
all the honors, dipping their flags and dress-
ing themselves in the gayest possible colors.
AT one time. from the deck Of the San Ja-
c.nto, one hundred and thirteen national
eusigns could be seen flying.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25


sW- Whilewe arc reasoning concerning
life, says Hume, life is gone; and death,
though perhaps they receive rim different.
ly, yettreats alike the fool, and the philoso.
pler
sV- forgiveness, the nob.est Of all self.
denial. is II virtue, which he alone who can
practice in himself can willingly believe in
another. .......... H.. ....
tW-Our most distinguished critics admit
that Gen. Mcclellan is the greatest rsriecer
this country ever produced.
,E- Plutarch wisely says that prospeIi-
ty iSnot just scale; adversely is the only
balance to weigh friends in.
.Y- The vanity Of life. says Dean Swift,
is like a river, constantly passing away, and
yet constantly coming ON.
,w- For organizing an army, feeding,
clothing. and equipping it, and going into
war business in general, the American peo.
pie stand loan. ..... .........
- The superficial must converse with
others, but the wise can, in addition, con.
verse also with themselves.
sdg- Some people are so obtnsc that one
would hardly think they could have an
acute disease.
e1g- He who knows his ignorance is the
possessHr Of the rarest kind Of valuable
knowledge. aog .Er ga .sr-a
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

~A kind hearted wife once waited on
a physician to request him to prescribe for
her husbands eyes, which were sore.
"Let him wash them every morning with
brandy" said the doctor.
A Few weeks after the doctor CHANGED to
meet the wife.
Swell. has your husband followed my
advice?"
"lIe has done everything in his power
to do it, doctor, but he never could get the
brandy higher than his mouth"
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

HoRsE SHoEING IN WINTER Some black.
the winter should have the inner siae OF
he shoe Of such conhguration as to let GO
easily Of snow balls formed within the
hoof. 1t only requires slight increase OF
size outward. with no dovctailing in figure,
and each ball almost as fast as it is formed
will readily be parted with.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

The LAW VINDICATED.-JudgeD D----~
was fond OF card playing, and occasionally y
INDUCED in the amusement. During the
pcrio,i he occupied a seat on the bench, the
Legislature Of Georgia passed very string
ent laws to prevent gambling, and made it
imperaticc on the judges to charge the grand
juries, at the opening Of each session OF the
court, to present all who were known as
gamblers, etc. The judge had conformed
to the requirements Of the law, but tlotie
were presented, and ganbli4 seemed to
flourish as it ever had. On an OCCASION
when the judge was on his circuit, and az
ter his usual charge to the grand jury, and,
as usual, no notice taken of the charge,
Judge D---aSccrtainel there was faro
bank in successful operation in the very
precincts Of tho court. The judge thought
h" would indulge his propen:ity for play,
and visited the bank. Ile played, and was
very successful as was his wont; he won
all tn. money, and broke up the establish
ment. After he had pockctcd his win,
nings. and was about retiring. he perceived
several Of the grand jury in the room, who
had likewise been engaged in the game,
Judge D observed to thcmf
"Gen,le'ncn Of the Grand Jury, the law
requires me- to do all in my power to sup.
press the vice Of gambling have charg-
ed the grand juries upon the subject time
after time without any good effect twas
time Cor me to act, and see if I coul.l not
enforce the law. have done so; and the
most effectual way Of doing il is to break
the bank, which have done tonight.
do not think these fellows will trouble the
public for some time to come, and the law
in me is vindicatcd. Gentlemen, bid you
good night"
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

~ 'Halloo, the,e. how do you sell
woods?
by the cord
'P>haw! How long has it been cut
-Four feet
How dumb! mean how long has it
been since you cut it?'
No longer than it is now
See here, fellow, you are too bright to
live long
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

LEISURE HoUEs. There is room enough
in human life. says Hazlitt, to crowd almost
every art and science into it. If we pass no
day without line-visit no place without
the company Of a book-we may with case
fill libraries, or empty them Of their con.
tents. The more We do, the more we can
do; the more busy We are, the more leisure
we have.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

f~ A lady who. though in the autumn
Of life, had lost all dreams Of its spring,
said to Douglas Jerrold: I cannot imagine
what makes my hair turn so gray; some
times fancy it is the essence Of rosemary
with which my maid brushes it. What do
you think ? Il should rather be afraid,
madam replied the distinguished drama
tist, dryly, that it is the essence of time
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
PICKLE 1T IS. Put down that pickle =

PICKLE 1T IS. Put down that pickle -
The words were uttered harshly and hur-
riedly by the sergeant Of Pretty b CON-
pany to an unsracious private, who, carried
away by his hungry passions had snatch
ed pickle from the barrel.
And why should put down the pickle ,
queries the private, mildly.
Put down that pickle, that's all want
Of returned the sergeant, determinrdly.
Down it goes, them cried the soldier.
Stuffing it into his mouth, it quickly disap.
peared.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

~He who is open, without levity gen.
humble, without meanness; bold, without
insolcnce; cautious. without anxiety; reg.
ular, yet not formal; mild, yet not timid |;
firm, yet not tyrrannical ;---is made to pass
the ordeal Of Honor, Friendship. Virtue.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

"APT ALLIrERATloN's AKrFUL AlD."-
The following dialogue was spoken in vir-
ginia few days since: -
!. CoLoNEL-MAjor, what do you discover
with that glass near that clump of tears .
MAJoH-A regiment Of ragged rascals
revelling around the rebel rag, sir.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
Poetry.
KNITTING SOCKS

Click. click, click how the needles 20
Through the busy fingers, to and fro
with no bright coors Of Berlin wool
Delicate hands to-day arc full.
Only yarn Of deep. duh blue,
Socks Tor the feet Of the brave and true.
Yet, click click. how the nee'les 60,
'Tis power within that nerves them 90
In the sunnish hours nf the bright spring day,
Aud still in the sght time far away,
Maiden, mother and crandame sit
Earnest and thoughtfully while they knit.
Manv the $ lent prayer they pray.
Many the tear-drops brushed away
While busy on the needles 20, ra
Widen narrow, heel ami toe
The Granaame thinks with thrill Of pride
How her mother knit and spun beside
For that patriot band in olden days
Who died the '.Stsrs and stripes to raise
Now she in turn knit for the brave, ...
Who'd die that glorious Flag to save.
She j. glad--sbe says the boys" have gone:
.'Tis just their grandfather would have done,
But she hcaves a sig,, and the tears will start,
For ''the boys" were the pride ofgrxndams's heart.
The mothers look IL calm and high,
God only hears her souls deep cry
In Freelom's name, a. freedoms call,
She gave her sOns-in them her all
The maiden's cheek wears a paler shade,
But the light in hei eye i undi,mayed.
Faith and hone give strength to her sight,
She sees a red dawn after night.
Oh, soldiers brave. will it brighten the day,
And short the mar n on the weary way,
To know that at HOME the loving and trus,
Are kittinx and hoping, and praying Tor you!
Soft are their voices when speaking your name,
Proud are their glories when hearing your fame
And the Ct isddast hour in their lives will BE-
When they greet you after the victory.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

fY-Who is Prince Salm Salm p Ohio
Gazette.
\ son Of old Hymn Hymn, we suppose
-Ln Crosse Democrat
Wouli it not he proper. therefore, to
put the young man to S.ng- Sing p Vino
ia Republican. ...r. s.-
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

A WElGHTY DgAcoN-Thc Oshkosh
Courier tells Of n worthy deacon in that
city who lost five dollars on the game 81
"Slip jack" the other day Bully for the
Deacon. His minister may be a good man
but he is better! lilac Crosse Democrat
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

svI In disputes upon moral or scientific
points, ever let you aim be to come at
truth, not to conquer your opponent. So
you never shall be at loss, in losing the
argument, and gaining new discovery.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

a. It is curious to note the old sea-
margins Of human thought! Each subsid.
ing century yields some new mystery we
build whore monsters used to hide them.
selves.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

EARLY Study o"cc not child to pre-.
mature study. The footpath may be SOON
est green in the spring, but afterwards they
are but sere and yellow tracks through the
blooming meadows.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

E"Sambo, is your master good far.
mcr ~ ..a ... ...
20, yes, massa fuss rate farmer; he make
two crops in one year"
"How is that Sambo ~
"Why. he sell all his hay in the fall, and
make money once den in de spring he sell
de hides ob dc cattle dat die for want OBJ de
hay, and make money twice."
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

az Learn in childhood, that happiness
is not outside, but inside. A good heart
and clear conscience bring happiness which
no riches aud no circumstances alone ever
do. -...
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

AZ Mrs. Julia Ward Howe describe!
Wa>hington sandwiches as ''mustard poul
'iceS founded on hr,ad;" and says that
however well calculated to allsy imflamna
ton. il applisd externally, they certalnl,
tended to produce it internally.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

.wIf you were obliged to swallow .
man, whom would you prefer to swallow
A little London porter.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
McGREGOR, IOWA, WEDNESDAY, DEC. 25, 1851.
science which did not belong to his branch

science which did not belong to his branct
of the service.
II need not tell you." continued the Ser
geant, THAT, in the taking Of Mexico, a few
days after, the plan offered by this lieuten
ant was of signal service, and that he va.
brevettcd soon afterwards"
Here the story ended, and the sergeant
relapsed into his ''pipe and silence" W.
all looked for while into the fire, when
one Of the sen,inels asked him what ths
name Of this young lieutenant was. II.
slowly pnffsd the smoke fr,m his mouth
and answered:
II believe it was Gecrgc-GEoRcE B. Nc.
CLELLAN ~
"And who was that engineer -
II believe his name was George, too
GEORGE L. BEAUREGARD
An" we all smoked and looked into the
fire, until the sentinel called out
''Grand rounds Turn out the guard p
Warrington Republican.
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
VOLUME Vl----NO. Il.
.HiScellN1seOegS.
II. Il. GRAY.

Clerk District Court, Attorney and Counselor at Law,
and Solicitor in Chancery. Mason City, Cerro Gordc
county. Iowa. VIII attend pr omptly to any business
pertaining the Practice Of Law in the 1lth Judicial
trct Iowa will examine Titles, pay Taxes, sell
Lands &c The best of References csecrfully given.
October 9th, lS61f
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25
AWAIT FOR TIE WXGON!"
LIVERY STABLE

On Main Street. opposite Union Block.
PEAKSALL e CHUKCH, Prop,1ssors.
YYAvING on hand everything in eSpn
Ill the line Ut Carriages. Buggies,
8isi{a, lttsrs, SO Co., together with oi
orses repsctfuy solicit the patronage
ofths pubia, promising to our best endeavors to
give sALiIaotion. sEm #ee=
Prices TO SUIT the times. "a &sA IL
pEAnSALL Il CHURCH.
Mc0rsyHr, oct csth, 1850. iyl
The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-12-25

~ 90. .ZiE1ELMAlEt hasa CRtckER manu-
" ia,tort, unl will furni IN Crackers aud Bread, at
Wa .s.ats Ar H.tan. Upper Main street.
March 20, lS0lyl sss ss Hs