The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1861-07-20
From Vanity Fair.
WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE.
BY ARTEMUs WARD.

AS soon as I'd recooperated my physikil
system, went over into the village. The
peasantry was glad to see me. The school
master sed it was cheerin to see
| that gigantic intelleek among 'em onct
more. That's what he called me. l like
| the schoolmaster, and alters send him to-
hacker when I'm off on a travelin campane.
Besides, he is very sensible man. Such
men must be encouraged.
They don't git news very fast in Baldins-
vile, as nothin but plank road runs in
there twice week, and that's very much
out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much
posted up in regard to the wars. Squire
Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic ticket
for goin on forty year, and the war was a
dam black republican lie. 10. Stackpole,
| who kills hogs for the Squire, and has got
powerful muscle into his arms, sed he'd
bet $5 he could lick the crisis in fair
stand-up fight, if he wouldn't draw a knife
on him. So it went-sum was for war,
and sum was for peace. The schoolmas-
ter, however, sed the Slave Oligarky must
cover at the feet of the North ere a year
had flowed by, or pass over his dead corpse.
''Esto perpetual" he added, "And sine qua
non, also!' sed I, sternly, wishing to make
impression onto the villagers. "Requi-
escat in pace!' sed the schoolmaster.-
''Too troo, too troo," l ansered; ''it's a
scanderlous fact!'
The newspapers got along at last, chock
full Of war, and the patriotic fever fairly
bust out in Baldinsville. Squire Baxter
sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion, not one
of 'em, and could prove by file of "Ea-
giles of Liberty" in his garrit, that it was
all Wing lie, got up to raise the price of
whisky and destroy our other liberties
But the old Squire got putty riley when he
heard how the rebels was cuttin up, and he
reckoned he should skour up his old mus
kit and do little square ftin for the Old
Flag, which had alters bin on the ticket he'd
voted, and he was too old to Bolt now.
The Squire is all right at heart, but it takes
longer for him to fill his venerable Bler
with steam than it used to when he was
young and frisky. AS l previsly iuform-
ed you, 1 am Captin of the Baldinsville
Company. 1 riz gradooally but majestical-
ly from drummer's Secretary to my present
position. But L found the ranks wasn't
full by no means, and commenced for to
recroot. Hayin notist gineral desire on
the part of young men who are into the
Crisis to wear epylits, determined to have
my company composed exclusively of of
fcers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer-
Gineral. The follerin was among the varis
questions which put to recroots:
Do you know masked battery from g
hunk of gingerbread?
Do you know eppylit from piece Of
chalk?
If trust you with the real gun, how ma
ny men of your own company do you specl
you can manage to kill durin the war?
HaV you ever heard of Gineral Price o.
Missouri, and can you avoid similar acci
dents in case of battle?
Hav you ever had the measles, and if SO,
how many?
How air you now?
Show me your ton que, DC, &c. Sum o
the questions was sarcastical.
The company filed up rapid, and las
Sunday we went to the meetin house in full
: uniform. I had seris time gittin into my
military harness, as it was bilt for me many
years ago; but 1 finally got inside of it
e tho it fitted me putty clost. However
onct into it, lookt fne-in fact. aw-inspir
in. 'Do you know me. Mrs. Ward?" SEE
B. l, walkin into the kitchin.
"Know yop, you old fool? Of course
; do'
}. saw at once that she did.
I started for the meetin house, and I'm
:. fraid l tried to walk too strate, for Gun
very near fallin over backwards; and in at
temptin to recover myself, my sword go
mixed up with my legs, and l fell in among
a choice collection of young ladies, wh'
was standin near the church door a-seeiI
E the soier boys come up. My cockt hat fel
4 off, and sumhow my coat-tales got twisted
:. round my neck. The young ladies pu
1 their hankerchers to their mouths and re
marked: "Te he," while my ancient femal
single friend, Sary Peasley, bust out into
t loud larf She exercised her mouth so vi
e lently that her new false teeth fell out ont
: the ground.
: 'tMiss Peasley,'' sed I. gittin up and dus
tin myself, ''you must be more careful will
q them store teeth of yourn, or you'll hav t.
q gum il again!'
i Methinks had her.
n I'd hin to work hard all the week, and
: felt rather snoopy. I'm 'fraid did git hal
!; asleep, for on hearin the minister ask, "Wh..
Ii was man made to mourn?' I sed, SCI Civ
it up havin a wage idee that it was con
: undIum. 1t was a onfortnit remark, for tn
IL whole meetin house lookt at me with min
: gled surprise and indignation. I was abou
5 risin to pint of order, when it suddenl
: occurd to me WHARF was, and I kept m!
e seat, blushin like the red, red rose-so
! speak.
The next mornin rose with the lark n
: B.-I don't sleep with the lark, tho. 1
u goak).
My little darter was execootin ballids, &C
d companyin herself with the hand origin, an
she wisht me to linger and hear her sing
: ''Hark l hear a angel singin, angel no'
= is onto the wing
), ''Let him fly. my child!'' sed 1. a-buck
q lin on my armer, Il must forth to my Biz.
q We air progressin pretty well with on
drill. AS all air commandin ofissers, ther
u amt no jelusy; and as we air all exceed
IL smart, it faint worth while to try to Out
/; strip each other. The idee of compan
Al composed exclusively of Commanders-ir
Chiefs orrigernated, spose skurcely nee
l. say. in these Brane. Considered as idet
) 1 flatter myself it is putty hefty. View
y got all the tackticks at our longs ends, bu
T. what we particly excel in is restin muskit
We can rest muskits with anybody.
Our corpse will do its dooty. We go