The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1861-01-16
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

= The greatest revolver on record
the world.
- True friends and photographs nev-
or fatter.
= A silver tongue and brazen face
cover heart of steel.
- The chap who looked his destiny
in the face, was put out Of countenance.
= Indians may be considered the "cop-
per-faced" type of mankind.
: Prentice thinks the only green-horn
to be tolerated is mint.julep.
= A Yankee has invented a patent
dog; wind him up and he barks for hours.
Why are presidents like vagabondsi 7
Because they are associated with vices.
= He that is too good for good ad-
vice, is too good for his neighbors com
pany.
= The fellow who got intoxicated with
delight, has been turned out of the tenn
perance society.
- A dirty fellow who never washes
himself may be said to "preserve the
landmarks"
- The purest metal is produced from
the hottest furnace, and the brightest
thunderbolt from the darkest storm.
= The boy who was caught looking
into the future, has been arrested for try
ing to see the show without paying.
= When the Irishman first tried peach
es he said he liked the flavor but the
seeds lay hard in his stomach.
- Oftentimes the fastest young wo-
men are the most easily overtaken by the
galloping consumption.
- AS man drinks, he generally
grows reckless. In his case, the more
drains the fewer scruples.
- An aged bachelor being asked if he
ever witnessed apublic execution, replied,
"No, but once saw a marriage"
- Curiosity-To see two ladies pass
each other in the street without turning
about TO see what the other had on.
- If flock of geese sec one Ct Their
number drink, they will all drink, too
Men often make geese of themselves.
- An old lady, asked to subscribe &c
newspaper, declined on the ground thai
when she wanted news she manufactur
ed it.
- "Whats Jografy, Billw ATS ,
telin' of forrin lands that We know moth
in about by cute chaps that's never seer
'em."
A man who was pitched into th,
gutter where garbage was thrown, de
scribed himself as being in an ofai con
dition.
= An Eastern editor is delighted a
having been called "honcy" by the ca
he loves, because she saluted him at thei
last meeting as old beeswar.
- Last Sunday, in Northern village
when the "plate" was being passed i
chusch, a newly appointed editor said t
the collector" Go on; I'm dcad-hea
I've got a passp
- A soldier on sentry was noticed b
his officer with having black eye, an
he charged him with fighting. "Pleasc
sir" replied the soldier, "wasn't it for tbo
purpose you engaged mo?'
= A young gentleman who had JUS
married little, understood beauty, say
she would have been taller, but she
made of such precious materials chat M
, ture could not afford il.
- A boy entered stationery stor
the other day, and asked the proprietC
what kind of pens he sold. call kinds,
was the reply. "Well, then," said th
boy, "Tll take three cents worth of p'
, pens
= 1t is said that girl in New Yor
was struck dumb by the firing of a cal
non. Since then number Of marie
: men have invited the artillery 10 com
: and discharge their pieces on their prem
! ises.
-" "John, how l wish il was as niue
the fashion to trade wives rs to trad
horsesw
"Why 50, Dickw
"Pd cheat somebody most shockingl
before night"
/, - Quilp and his wife had bit Of col
tention the other day. II own you hav
more brilliancy than ]" said the woman
"but / have the better Judgement
EYES," said Quilp, "our choice in ma
|, riage shows that" Quilp was informe
that he was brute.
- A Western editor lately called b
t "devip TO him and told him he could M
: afford to hire his services any longer, III