davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

A BACHELORS Woes. What pit
iful thing an old bachelor is, with
his cherries house and rueful phiz, on
a bitter cold night, when the fierce
winds blow, and the earth is covered
with foot of snow When the fire
is ont, in snivering dread, he slips be-
meath the sheets of his lonely bed. -
How he draws up his toes. still en-
cased in yarn hose, and buries his nose
meath his bed clothes, that his nose
and his, toes still encased is yarn hose,
may not be froze. Then he puffs and
blows and swears that he knows no
mortal on earth ever suffered such
woes, and with his abs and obs and
limbs nearly froze, to his slumbers in
silence he goes. In the morning when
the cock crows and the suns just rose,
from meath the bed clothes pokes the
bachelors nose, and as you may sup
pose, when he hears the wind blow,
and he sees the window all froze, why
back meath the clothes pops the poor
fellows's nose, for if from the bed he
rose, to put on his clothes, he'd surely
be froze.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
Counsel to People Moving

As moving time is fast approaching
contemporary gives the following
excellent advice, which as the almanac
makers say, viii suit one latitude as
well as another In the first place,
don't move Remember the famous
story of the fish that "moved " out of
the fryiug-p:n into the fre-call to
mind all the allegories, ancient and
modern, respecting the folly of change
see if the leaky roof can't be mend
ed-consider whether the range bakes
SO very badl y-reconcile yourself to
narrow kitchens and defective water
pipes-be at peace with the world,
and your house into the bargain, and
don't move But if this advice comes
after the bill has been put up and the
house let, and another taken, the
next best thing is to arrange matters
as philosophically as possible, and the
following scraps of counsel may be adj
vantageonsly adhered to.-Don't keep
your house in confusion a month be-
fore the eventful Hegira-a week is
quite long enough to make chaos of.
Don't undertake to "clean up" things
generally. Tt is not economy to bar
gain away your husbands best coat
to rag man, installing it for his old
moth eaten toga-neither is it wisdom
to burn all the receipts and family pa
pers along with old letters and news
papers, "just to get them out of the
way p Don't think it necessary to
feed your household on cold beans and
lukewarm tea, or to quarter them on
foor-beds witt carpet bags for their
pillows, because you happen to be get
ting ready to move If your husband
is handy man." send him about
his business as early in the morning as
possible, on moving day. Handy
men I" are nuisances at any period. but
at such a time they are an aggravation
beyond the power of words to describe.
Keep your wits about you, and when
your courage begins to fail, just boil
ster it up with the comfortable convic-
ton that what woman can't do, is
not worth doing at all |! Don't pack
the canary bird and the cat together,
and object decisiyely to the dressing
glasses being steadied with coal scut-
ties or smoothing irons Convince the
cartman at once that you are the di-
rector of affairs, not he, and don't let
him impose upon you in the matter of
short loads. What you are only a
small woman, and he an Irishman of
the amplest pattern Napoleon was
not a six footer that ever We heard of.
If you hear anything jingle, stop your
ears, and don't lack round until you
have counted twenty. Be resigned
to whatever may be.fall or be-break.
And remember, that everything else
comes to an end, SO also does moving
day.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
How Coffee came to be Used.

It is singular to trace the man ner
in which arose the use of the common
beverage of coffee, without which a
few persons, in any half or wholly
civilized country in the world, now
make breakfast At the time Colum-
bus discovered America, it was never
known or used. 1t only grew in Up
per Ethiopia The discovery of it as
a beverage is ascribed to the su perior
of monastry in Arabia, who, desiri-
Gus of preventing the monks from
sleeping at their nocturnal services,
made them drink the infusion of coffee,
upon the report of shepards, who OBJ
served that their hoeks were more
lively after browsing on the plant
It's reputation spread through the
adjacent countries, and in about 200
years it had reached Paris. A single
plant brought there in TIA became
the parent stock of the coffee plant
ations in the West Indies. The Ouch
introduced it into Java and the East
Indies, and the French and Spanish
in all South America and the West In
dies. The consumption can now be
hardly realized. The United States
al ne annually consume it at the cost
on its landing, from fifteen to sixteen
millions of dollars.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20


the Printer, thus portraitures one of
the appur-no, ampertenances of
every printing Office.
1.-THE DEVIL
"The Devil " is an institution by
and of himself He inks the type, or
tnrls the crank, or lays on the
sheets " (Other people sometimes
does the latter.) IF it were not for
him the paper would not "come ont. :"
He sweeps out the Office He builds
the fires-an appropriate work for a
fiend-and swears because some one
has "hooked the kindlings |" He
does the clores at the house. He
"quiets the baby" Yet his most
important duty is to keep watch on
the street corner so rs to be able to
inform the editor when the Sheriff rs
after ham.
With all this, the "Devil I" shoul-
ders all the bad and smutty jokes of
the editor. When the mighty man OF
the pen is ashamed of an expression,
and still desires to inter it, he says
our " Devil says thus and So" and
the poor Devil has to stand it.
Nevertheless, the "Devil is an i'm
portant personoage in society He
attends lectures He frequents con-
certs, shows and the opera butt
say it more in sorrow than in anger
he seldom visits church I! He presents
himself at the ticket office of the
show" with his "linen" reversed by
way of change, (for he seldom poses
ses more than a Jingle shirt, as a
member of the press, " and so presse S
his claims that he is admitted without
the accustomed quarter. But our
young friend is not alone. He is too
much of a gallant for that. His 'wo-
man" is with him, and he and his
womon pass in and enjoy the en-
tertainment, which, whatever it may
be, is taken down in doses alternated
with peanuts and tobabco. For the
Devil CHI VS. as well as smokes, and
splits profnsely upon carpets when he
gets within reach of them.
never heard of printers Devil
who had risen in life," but | do the
class the justice to say that, to my
knowledge, none Of them have ever
let themselves down irto Congress-
men. But [ never knew one to de-
grade himself so low as to become
President of the United States.
So much for the Devil" / know
the animal I've been there my
SELF
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

FURST STANZER.
Tremendous river watts maid yew Riz
wat ales yew Is yew see syck
Or hev yew got the stummick acke
hey yew a feyyur an mayer eos yewer tooken
So much Use, Or hov yew had
bad Coald in yewer He'd
wat maks you rool and twyst
And grone so in yewor bed
Rrvur them is the questshion
and paws Fur u repli.
SECKUND sTANZER
R:vur here yewer Busted up
are that air soc wy yawer twise
as big now AS yer wus
Apd hew still kepe rizen
kepe doun Rivur kepe doun
fur If yew riz the HE youe
onley hav tn fal gin kepe
Doun within yewer spear and
don't yew foe acros the rode
And wet the feet of the gals
as they go bi. hev yew know
Phelin for the sects, oh Rivyur
THURD STANzER
them watts got tiers to she'd Now let EN-
rip'-Shagespeer
g luv salt watur in mi rum'-Bgrums ad-
dres tn The OShean.
i Luv the. 0 magestick delewur
how oftin wen A buoy hev plade
Hockey frum mi skule and
seeted on yewor mudde bancks
hev fished Fur watur GLANDS
and smell-pot Tarrpuns and
Seat-fsh and-and-yet seterays.
yes River awl da sportid in
Tewer waivs and wen the son
had gone to bed in The Easturn
Horizun Wood goe home and
their get spancked for gettin
ov mi trousers dirte.
Riyyur Them ar the dase as wus.
the forth Stanzer bein the varyashun Ar
omitted ur till The canawl opins.
FIVE STANzUR
"and nou fairwel cannot Civ yew up''-SOl-
onion tn his last glas Of qohiSkey.
Magestick delewur, Bid yew now
Anew. but four yew goe i'll drinck
yer helth. hears tn yew, Rivyur
long May yew waive, and wen
yew get upou another Bust
Don't get so high and rore soc
and friten People out 6v there
seven census Cos wy its Breckin
Uf the piece. RiVyur them are my advise
And now gin Bid yew Anew.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

accompany Increase, and so he de-
clared himself ready and jumped over
the fence. At first he was afraid of
committing himself, but the con7ersa-
ton by the way showing him, as he
thought, exactly how the ground lay,
! he laughed heartily at the queer man
ner in which the thief was caught, and
volunteered to be the first to enter the
granary where the thief was confined,
at the same time chuckling joyously
at the anticipation of the younger
Smiths dismay on finding instead of
the thief. his own father under lock
and key
With great gIee the men proceeded
at once to the granary, where Increase
proposed leaving his companions to go
to the house for lantern, and see if
his father had returned upon which
Joe Ferris laughed all to himself, and
advised the younger Smith to be sure
and bring the old man if he was any
where to be found
Halo !" cried Bill Hodges, " the
granary door is open and the thiefhas
broke out"
Increase came back filled with con-
sternation, and Joe Ferris was no less
surprised
The strange events of the night were
involved in deeper mystery than ev-
er, when the elder Smith, having heard
of the approach of Increase and his
companions, made his appearance with
light.
f" halo, neighbor" cried Joe Fer
ris, what is all this hubbub about
Increase has been telling us about
thieves"
declare father" said the young
er Smith, after you shut me up, l
shut up a real thief and left him in my
place"
know it, your mo sher told me-"
replied the elder Smith, and when I
came to let you out"
"Oh, | see it all, groaned Increase
he got away"
Yes and shut me up"
"And how did you get out -
"Why the thief s wife had the kind
ness to come and break the lock -
So saying, the elder S NTH held the
lantern up to the face Of Ferris, who
turhed CHASTITY white, and trembled as
if he had been in an ague ft
The whole affair was now explain ed,
to the establishment Of everybody in
general, and of Joe Ferris in particu-
lar who was too much a,tonished to
make any resista ice, while Increase
and his companions we're tying his
hands behind him.
Ferris aud his wife were accommo-
dated with lodgings at Mr.. Smiths
house that nj ght, and on the following
day, a search having been instituted,
and all sorts of goods found on Joe's
premises, they were both commi ted
to jail to await their trial
What the sentence was when con-
victed of the crime charged them,
have quite forgotten, but it is certain
the good people Of Smithville were
troubled no more with the mysterious
disappearance Of their goods and chat
tells.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
Sl1(v(istellanv.
Ovid tn the Dellewur.

Our ''VilIage Poick," while contemplating the
recent freshet in the Delaware, was requested
to write some lines upon the beauties of the
scene, and in compliance with that request,
he handed me the following lines as the re-
suit of his medtatons.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

IL has been said that there is a
skeleton in every house; certainly in
these days every fashionable woman
has one about her.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

Mrs. Darlington says there isn't
enough of the spirits Of seventy six
left to fill fluid lamp
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

Cold FEET. If you have cold feet,
immense them morning and evening in
cold water, and rub with rough
towel. In one month you will be en-
tirely relieved. All the red pepper
and mustard applications are like rum
to the stomach, relieve you to-day, but
leave you colder tomorrow.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

Mrs. Darlington says, that when
she was girl she used to go to par
ties, and always had beau to extort
her home. But now,' says she, the
gals undergo all sorts Of decliyities ;
the task Of extorting them home re.
wolves on their dear Selves The old
lady drew down her specs, and thank
ing her.stars that she had lived in
other days, when men could depreciate
the worth of the female sex. Besides,
she added, so many men are murdered
every day, that you gals must make
haste and get husbands as soon as You
can, or there won't be any left,
Why SO, aunt ?, Why, | see by the
paper that we must have got almost
thirty thousand post Offices, and nearly
all of EN- dispatches mail every
day
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
gpet's Mppk,
Mr.. Punch on Secession.

Secede, We Southern States, seeede,
No better plan codld be,
If you of niggers would be freed,
To set your niggers free.
Runaway slaves by federal law
At present you reclaim;
So from the Union straight withdraw,
And play freesoi game.
What, when you've once the knot united,
Will bind the Northern men,
And who'll resign to your cowhide
The fugitives again
Absquatulate, then, slick as greese.
And break up Unity
Or take your Prest tent in peace,
Aud eat your humble pie
Blu. if your stomachs proud disdlin
The salutary meal,
And you in passion worse than vain,
Must rend the Commonweal,
Then all mankind will jest and scott
At people in the case
OF him that hastily cut off
His nose to spite his face.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

An honest heart (says Prentiee)
makes gentleman but honest mod
esty makes gentle manner.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

The ashes of a smoked cigar are lit
tie thot' of-those Of man, scarcely
more,
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
A Blow to Vegetarians

In notice of new work on the
SUBJECT of vegetable diet, a medical
journal sensibly remarks amongst the
Theories that have led men astray, there
is none having less science for its foun
dation than the vegetarian farce. So
far from flesh having an injurious effect
it is well known that when taken in
proper quantities it has the most bene-
fetal effect upon the human system.
Amongst those who have not the
means of taking the proper quantity
of animal food, a variety of diseases
occur from uudernutrition. and here
is no more ready means of curing such
diseases than the supply of ANNA
food The flesh of animals is more
readily digested and more speedily
appropriated than the flesh forming
principles of plants hence it is ne
cessity for those races of men who are
strong of muscle and active of thought
We warn the public not to listen to
the Establishments of stewed carrots
and parsnips, fried caulifowers and
apple possets These things may
please the palate, they may fill the
stomach, but they cannot supply the
material ofmuscles and brains. There
are some people amongst us who may
neither work nor think. 1t may be
immaterial to them in what form they
supply the waste material of their ex-
istence But for the men and women
who carry on the great work of our
national and social life, it would be
one of the most retorogade steps they
could take to abandon that which in
stinct and reason point out to them es
the fttest material for the supply of
the waste of their active lives
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
FURsT sTANZER

BY THE VILLAGE Po1cK," or TITUsvILLE.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

At the criminal term of the Supe-
rior Court now being held il Law
renee, Massachusetts, a little boy six
years old, was a witness in an as
suit case. The District Attorney,
having some doubts whether boy Of
so tender an age knew the nature OF
an oath, proceeded to ask him a few
questions as follows
Little boy, do you know what it
is to testify ?"
Yes
Yes, but what would be Il e con
sequence if you did not tell the truth
/ suppose should be sent to jail
But would not God punish you !?
l guess not dads Universalist.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20
A Portrait.

The editor of the Springfield, Ohio,
Daily Neaos, in a communication to
the Printer, thus portraitures one of
the appur-no, ampertenances of
every printing Office
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

HOLD Hold on to your tongu
when you are inst ready to swear, lie
or speak harshly, or use any improper
word.
Hold or to your hand when you
are about to strike, pinch, scratch,
steal, CT do any improper act.
Hold on to your foot when you are
on the point Of kicking, running away
from steady or pursuing the path of
error, shame or crime.
Hold on to your temper when you
are angry, excited, or imposed upon,
or others are angry about you.
A French philosopher, predicts
that the accumulation of ice at the
North Pole will eventually tip up the
earth, bringing new continents to light
and deluging the old. The French
man announces that this unfortunate
event will take place five thousand
years hence.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-03-20

FURST STANZER.
TREMENDOUS river watts maid yew Riz
wat ales yew Is yew see syck
Or hev yew got the stummick acke
hey yew fevyur an nager eos yewer tooken
So much Use, Or hov yew had A
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02
specuIa,ions in Coffee. sugar and Tea.

The New York spectators are again
at work. y letter from hat city says:
very active speculative movement in
coffee and tea, has been in progress ior
some time past, the effect OF which has
been TO run up the prices of these almost
necessaries of life to Il figure which places
them quite beyond the reach of those who
have the most need Of thcm-the Door
In anticipation of the increased duty 10
which these commodities will soon be
subject, the spectators have bought or
are buying up and placing in store the
surplus stock on hand, in expectation Of
commanding their own prices for them
Even now the commouest qualities of
brown sugar cannot be purchased at retail
less than twelve and a half cents per
pound, which is an increase of one hund-
rcd per cent upon prices current for the
same quality It month ago. The advances
on coffee and tea i not 50 enormous, but
it is sufficient to limit consumption 10 a
very parcep,ible extent. and TO make the
working classes realize the necessity OF
abandoning their use. The moderate tax
imposed by the Government upon these
articles will be borne in the same patriotic
spirit of seltsacrificc which has character
lied our people from the beginning OF the
war. but it is questionable whether as
much can be sal! in regard to the specu-
lators who are thus taking advantage of
the necessities of Government TO add 10
the burthens of the public for the pur-
pose OF enrching themselves.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02

Barnum has been sold! A lew days
since a countryman appeared at the Mu-
scum, and upon admission to the manager,
declared he had great natural curiosity,
no less than cherry y-colored cat Bar
mum has seen cats many, but never a
cherry colored one, and speedily paid SO
came the countryman and bag, out of
which he produced cat of the color of a
black cherry Barnum was sold, and re.
lates the joke with great gusto.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02
EMS Di POT!
r10NHAS MOORE

IMPORTER and manufacturer Of Increase Twist Ri
as and shot Guns of every description, Telescope
and ten, Muzze Rifles Revolving Breech- Cast Stee
Barrels Guide Starter for hunting and large as
sersaseet 81 Colts, Reals BUM
shop everything In my line and warrant TO give sats
faction to all that favor with their patronage.
invite the cid friends Of II. P. BRuNKER to give me
CALL he is agent Customers will always find hin
at his post My shop is Main Street, near the Fo,
River Bridge
Powder, Shot, wads and Caps. Gun. let by the day
iun1S THOMAS MOORE.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02
Washington and the Corporal.

Some of our volunteer officers show
their un!itneSs to command by keeping
aloof from their men, instead of setting
them the example OF manliness in toll
and endurance The following incident
is in point
During the American Revolution, it is
said, the commander of little squad was
giving orders TO those under him, relative
to log of timber which they were en-
deavoring to raise up 10 the top Of some
military works they were repairing. The
timber went up with difficulty, and on
this account the voice OF the little man
was often heard, i'll regular vociferetons
of" lieave away! there she goes heave
ho" An officer, not in military costume,
was passing, and asked the commander
WHY he did not take hold aud render a
/ little aid. The latter, astonished turning 2
round with all the pomp of an Emperor,
said Sir. am corporal ou are,
sire YOU p replied the officer: . was not
aware of that and taking oil his hat
and bowing the officer said, i ask your
pardon, Mr.. Corporal. and then dIsInount-
ed. and lifted till the sweat stood in drops
on his forehead.
When tn work was finished, turning to
the commander, he said, Mr.. Corporal
when YOU have another such "A job, and
have not men enough, send for your com
mander in Chief, and will come and help
YOU second time.
The corporal was thunderstruck IT
WAS Washington who thus addressed him
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02
CUSTOM
Boot and Shoe Store
z rHOM SON

Na. HsssacEs Block, Main Street, Ond'cc
is in receipt of a fine assortment o Boots, Shoes
i Rabbers, &c.
Also, Hats and Caps, and Gents Buck Mit's ant
Gloves all Of the hest manufacture, and cheap for cash
Cal, and exnmip A. PRESCOTT, Agent,
oc2e No Gssseek's Block, Main ST.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02
CITY Tax List.

List Of lands, town lots and parts OF town lots lying
within the limits Of the corporation of the City Of Otia-
La Sale county State Of Illinois, upon which city
and school taxes were levied for the year A.. 1861
AID which remain due and unpaid.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-11-02
Bucii:, Vista Floral Gardens

A, the residence Of ". IT, W. C..amdn, Edst Ottaaco
Always sale aiaPGe supply of perpetnn Roses and
other kinds of strawberr! To-
nato Rb.barb Cabbage. plants, &C., &C. In theii
IS. "a v.0at,tles Of all kinds. jUn14