The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1861-04-05
Artemus Ward takes q Trip ON the
Polly Ann.

Artemus Ward takes q Trip ON the
Polly Ann.
In overhaulin' one of my old trunks the
tother day, I found the follerin' jernal of a
wage on the starnch canawl bote Polly
Ann, which happened to the subscriber
when was young man lin the Brite Lex
iDgton of youth, when thar aint no sich word
as fale) on the Wabash Canawl:
MONDAY 2 P. N.Y. Got under wa. Hoses
fires under 'em before they'd start. Started
at last very suddint, causin the bote to
lurch very vilently and knockin me orf my
pins. (Saler frase.) Sevral passengers on
bored. Parst threu deliteful country. Honist
farmers was to work sowin korn & other
produce in the fields. Surblime scenery.
Large red heded gal reclinin on the banks
of the CanawI, bathin her feet.
Turned in at Is miDits parst eleven.
Toosday-Riz at an wen up on the poop
deck. Took a grown persons doze of ticker
with member of IDjanny legislature, which
he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pa for.
Bote tearin threu the briny waters at the
rate of Nots hour, when the boy on the
leadin boss shoutid,
"Sale hoe!''
"Whar away?" hollered the capting,
clearing his glass IA empty black bottle,
with the bottom knoct out) and bringing it
to his Eagle eye.
"'Bout four rods to the starbud," scream
ed the boy.
"Jes so," screeched the capting. "What
vessels that air?'
"The Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and
be darned to you"
81, I Sir p hollered our capting. "Reef
your arft boss, splice your main jib-boom,
and hail your chaimbermaid What's up
in Terry Hawt?"
"You know Bill Spikes ?" sed the capting
of the Warier.
"Wall, reckin. He kin eat more fride
pork nor any man of1his heft on the Wabash.
He's an ornament to his sex!"
"Wall," continued the capting of the
Kickin Warier, "what do you think of
that?" as be parst long black bottle over
to our capting. ...a..>~...
"Ihe country is indeed in danger !" sed
our capting, raisin the bottle to his lips.
The vessels parted. No other incidents
th3 day Retired to my chased coach at 5
mjhits pAFst 10.
(Wensdy.) Riz arly. Wind blowing N.
w. +. Hevy sea on and ship rollin wildly
in consekents of peppur-corns havin bin
fastened to the forrerd hoss' tale. "Heave
two !" roared the capting to the man at the
rudder, as the Polly give friteful toss. 1
was sick, and sorry I'd cum. "Heave two!"
repeatid the capting. l went below. "Heave
tw0!' hearn him boiler again, and stickin
my he'd out of the cabin winder, 1 hev.
The h0sses becum dosile eventooally, and
felt better. The sun bust out in all his
splender, disregardless of expense, and lively
nature put i1 her best licks. We parst the
beautiful village of Limy, which lookt sweet
indeed, with its neat white cottages, Insti.
to0ts of learnin and other evidences of civil
izatiOn, inclooding party of bald heded
cullered men who was playin 8 card monty
on the stoop OF the red eagle tavern. All, all
was food for my poetic sole. I went be-
low to breakfast, but vittles had lost their
charms. "I'ake sum of this, said the captS
ing, showing bottle lords my plate. "It's
whisky. A few quarts alters sets me right
when my stummick gifts out of order. It's
excellent Tonic !" / declined the seduc-
tive fooid.
(Thursday.) Didn't rest well last mite
on account OF an uprore maid by the cap
ting, who stopt the Bote to 20 ashore and
smash in the winders of grosery. He was
brot back in about an hour, with his he'd
dan up in red hankercher, his eyes bein
swelled up orful, and his nose very much
out of jint. He was bro't aborde on shut
ter by his crue, and deposited on the cabin
floor, the passengers all risip up in their
births, pushin the red curtains aside & look
in out to see what the matter was.
"Why do you allow your pashuns to run
away with you in this onseemly stile, my
misguided friend {" sed sollum lookin man
in red flannel mite cap. "Why do you sink
yourself to the Beasts of the ield?"
"Wall, the fack is," said the capting,
rising hisself on the shutter, " I've bin lit
tie prejoodiced agin that grosery for some
time. But make it lively for the boys,
deacon! Bet yer life!' He larf q short.
wild larf, and called for his Jug. Sippin q
few pints, he smiled gently upon the pas
seDgers, sed Bless you bless you " and
fell into sweet sleep.
Eventooally we reached your iernys end.
This was in the days Of Old Long Sing, be4
the iron boss was foaled. This was be4
steamboats, was going round Dustin their
bilers & sendin peple higher nor kite.
Them was happy days when the peple
was intelligent & wax 6ggers Il living wild
beests wasn't scoffed ct. a.
80 dass of me boyhood
Pm dreamin on ye nowl"
(Poeckry.) A.W.