Daily Democrat and news. [volume] (Davenport, Iowa) 1859-1864, 1861-03-11


First I Was rich; had twenty thousand
dollars 10 bank; had good many val.
| liable houses 10 the city, owned half the
New York Central Railroad, and had 81
| much prairie land in Michigan, Wiscon
SIN and Minnesota, ,hst couldn't rus
from one end Of it to the other in two
days, on lightning express train. Then
bad wife-i0 fact, two wives and
in twenty minutes I had twenty wives
--alI beautiful, accomplished and aztec
tionate. Then was ! hero; had just
returned from var, after killing eighteen
Thousand men, and whs receiving with
due honors. Then the Sunday Mercury
had raised my salary to three hundred
doIlars . week, aud just sent in their
check for Eve weeks back salary. Then
[ had more .wives-thirty mope-haod
somer than the first ones, and richer.
Then was patriot; had just return
I'd from Washington, after assassinat'ng
James Buchanan, and was receiving the
plAndits ~ grateful nation therefor
Then somebody had died and left me
more property, aud | was . charitable
benefactor, and was relieving all the
wants Of the poor folks in the city, CIV
ing every man three barrels Of pork,
nine bags Of -four, thirty six bushels OF
potatoes, and red cart and gray jackass
to drag them home for him.
Then the Sunday Mercury had rails
ed my salrry to a thousand dollars q
week, and was paying me three months
salary IN advance. Then ! was hero
again-of another variety this time |
had just saved thousand lives or SC, aod
the city vas in delight about me. Then
had more wives-lovlier than before
and richer-csch one with her pockets
full Of seed pearlA and three pecks Of
diamonds stitched into her petticoats.
Then l was king, and was bossing every
thing and everybody to my hearts con-
tent, and theirs. Then all my wives had
large families that l hadn't seen before
all BOYS, and all soldier, and oil gen.
erals then they we're all politicians,
and all Presidents Of Republics then
they were all editors, then all merchants;
then all cIergymen, and all Beechers !;
but, whatever they we're, was the faith
er Of them all, and they numbered >
hundred, then a thousand, then ten
thousand. Then the Sunday Mercury
had raised my salary it was now twen-
ty-fve hundred dollars week-station-
ary found and gas bills paid for me
and the propr,etors had just sent me
round two years pay in advance, in gold,
and sixty draymen were dumping it into
the coal hole by the cart load.
Then l began to be more extrava-
CANT, and undergo various metamor-
phoses. First was 4 freezer OF vat lila
lce-clesm, then was a gold fish, then
was new baby, with husband inter-
es,ed, and enthusiastic relations then
vas Christmas; then | was a balloon
bound straight for the moon, and with
yes enough to carry me there, aud with
letters OF introduction to the man in that
interesting planet; then was sixteen
pound trout, and Barnum had bough
me for thousand dollars; then | was a
clipper ship, the pride OF the country !;
then / was Pages Venus, then was a
canary bird, with five extra notes to my
palate; then became flying fish; thc"
| became shark and swallowed the fly
ing fish IJnst had been; then chang
ed into sailor, and speared the shark
that | was minute before; then be-
came the boatswain, and fogsed the
sailor who had speared me as a shark ;
then | was slung shot, and caved IN
the head of the boalswain who had fog
red me when | was sailor then
was policeman who melted down the
slung shot then l was Police Com
missioner, aud broke the policeman ;
hen became the people and elected a
new Commissioner then, AS the pc pie,
got myself into an election riot ; then
changed into the military, and artille
ryed myself as the people, and bayonet-
ed myself, and charged on myself, and
dispersed myself, then l was suddenly
me,amorphosed into huge buckwheat
cake, aud was delicstely Drowned on the
grlddle, and daintily fabricated with the
sweetest and purest butter, then | was
floated in the clearest and most transpa.
rently beautiful maple molasses-which
is the highest aud best fate OF buck
wheat cake; then changed again, and
the Mercury had put up my salary t.
tive thousand dollars per week Of four
DAYS, and had Just sent in blank check
for me to fill out for any number 0
years in advance; my twenty Thousand
sons had grown up to be the best ant
nobest OF men, and held the leading po
sitlons everywhere in the country thel
was about to be Mayor Of the city ,hat
it not been for crowd of determined
citizens, who had resolved that thOult
be Governor Of the State and l wa
rescued from this last throng bv anothe
crowd, who had all voted for me 70
President Of the United States and
had just given my consent to fill tba
responsible post to the best Of my abilit
when was forcibly seized by an arm
of our first families and our best society
and compelled 80 accede to their CON
mand to act a. Dictator Of all Mort
America but before had q chance I
fairly say "Yes" TO thi. proposition,
, found myscifdeclased Conqueror Of til
world, and was beng invested with roy
! al robes and things.
. From this time things began to 20
} contraries. wasn't SO rich as | ha
been; ! wasn't rich at all iu fact ".