Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1861-05-04
Artemus Ward among the Shaker.

ArteHluS Waru, III tOWNy HUU, gives
some of his experiences among the
Shakers:
l sot down to the table, and the fe-
mail in the meal bag poured out sum
tea. She said nothin, for five minits
the only live thing in that room was q
old wooden clock, which tict in SUBJ
dood and bashful manner in the corner.
This dethly stiffness made me oneasy,
and I determined to talk to the femail
or bust. So sez 1. Marrige is agin
your rules, 1 blceve, marm?"
"Yay."
"The sexes live strictly apart, I
spect?"
"Yay."
"It's kinder singlcr," scz I, putin on
my most sweetest look and speakin in a
winnin voice, "that so fair made as
thow never got hitched to some likely
feller." N. B.-She was upward of
forty, and homely as stump fence, but
I thawt I'd tickil her.
"I don't like men," she seG very
short.
"Wall, Dunno" sez I, "they're a
rayther important part of the popula-
shun. don't scarcely see how we
could get along without EN-"
Us poor wimmin folks would git
along a great deal better if there was
no men,"
"You'll excuse me, marin, but |
don't think that air would work. 1t
wouldn't be regler."
"I'm fraid of men!" she said.
"That's Unnecessary, marin. You
amt in no danger. Don't fret yourself
OH that pint"
"Here we're shet out from the sim
ful world. Here all is peas. Here we
air brothers and sisters. We don't
marry, and consekcntiy we have no do
mcstic difficulties. Husbands don't
abooze their wivcs-wives don't worrit
their husbans. There's no children
here to worrit us. Nothin' to worrit
us here. No wicked matrimony here.
Would thow like to be Shakcr!''
"No," scz I, "it amt my stilc."
had now histed in as big load of
pervishuns as l could carry comforta-
bly,, and leanin' back in my cheer, CON-
menst pickin my teeth with fork.
The femail went out, lcavin' me all
with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long
before the elder pekcd his head in at
the door. "You'rc man of sin !" he
sed, and groancd and went away.
Directly thar cum in two young Sha-
keresscs, as putty and slick lookin gals
as ever met. 1t is troo they was drcst
in meal bags like the old one I'd met
previsly, and their shiny, silky har was
hid from sight by long white caps,
sich as / spose female costs wear but
their eyes sparklcd like diamonds, their
ckeeks was like roses, and they was
charmin enuff to make a man throw
stones at his grandmother, if they axed
him to. They commenst clcarin away
the dishes, castin shy glanccs at me all
the time. I got excited. forgot Betsy
Jane in my rapter, and SCI l. "My
pretty dears, how are your"
1--WE air well, they solumly sed.
"Whar's the old man," sed l, in a
soft voice.
"Of whom dost thou speak-brothcr
Uriah?'
d" mean the gay and festive cuss who
calls me man Of sin. Shouldn' won-
der if his name was Uriah."
"IIe has retired"
"Wall, my pretty dears," sex I,
''let's have sum fun. Let's play puss in
the corner. What say?"
"Air you Shaker, sir?" they axed.
"Wall, my pretty dears, / haven't
arrayed my proud form in long wcs-
kit yit, but If thcy was Ill like you per-
haps I'd jine 'em. AS it is I'm q Sha-
ker pretemporarv."
They was full Of fun. l seed that at
fust, only they was a little skeery.
I tawt 'em puss in the corner and sich
like plase, and we had a nice time, keep
in quiet of course so tho old MAJ,
shouldn't hear. When we broke up
sez I, "my pretty dears, ear I 60 you
have no objections, hev you, to inner.
sent kiss at partin?" 7"
"Yay," they sed, ard I yay'd.