Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1861-09-06
Artemus Ward Among the Spirits.


Artemus Ward Among the Spirits.
My naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new
tangled idear about sperrets. Sperretooul
Sircles is held nitely & and or long hared
fellcr has settled here and gone into the sper-
ret biznis exclusively. A atcmt was made
to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark into the sper-
ret biznis but the atemt failed. l of the long
hared fellers told her she was a ethereal cree
tur & wood make sweet meiium, whcreup-
OH she atact him with mop handle & drove
him out of the house. will here obsarvc
that Mrs. Ward is invalerablc womun-the
partner of my goys & and the shairer of my
sorrers. In my absunse she watchis my in
tercsts with Eagle Eye & and when re-
turn she welcums me in afcctionate stile.-
Trooly it is with us as il was with Mr.. &
Mrs lngomer in the Play, to whit
soles with but single tnawt
2souls which beat as l.
My naburs lnjooced me to attend Sperre-
tooul Srclc at Squire Smiths. When ar
roove found the cast,room chock full incloo-
din all the old maids in the vilige & the long
hared fellers a4sed. When went in was
salootid with hear Gums the benited man.
-" hear Gums the horey-hcdcd unbelcever''
-" hear Gums the skoffer at trooth," ctsett-
cry, etsettcry.
Sez I, my frcns it's troo I'm hear, & now
bring on your sperrets."
of the long hared fellers riz up and sed
he would state few remarks. He sed man
was critter of intellcck & was movin on to
Cole. Sum men had bigger inteleck than
other men had and thay wood cit to tho
Cole the soonerest. Sum men was beests &
wood never git into the Cole at ALL He sed
the Firth was matcricl but that man was i'm
material and hens man was different from
the Firth. The Firth, continncrcd the speak
er, resolves round on its own axcltree onct
in "a hours, but as man hant gut no axel
tree he cant resolve He sed the ethereal es
suncc of the koordinate branchis of superhu
man natur becum mettymorfusscd as man
progrest in harmonial coexistuncc & event
ooally anty humanized themselves & turned
into rcglar spcrretucllcrs. This was versif
ferusly applaudcd by the cumpany and as
make it pint to get along as pleasantly as
possible, snug out " bully for yu old boy"
The cumpany then drew round the table
and the Sirclc kommenst to go it. Thay
aXcd me if tharc was any body in the Sper
ret land which would like to convarsc with
scd if Bill Tomkins, he was onct my part
ner in the show biznes, was sober, | shood
like to convarsc with for few periods.
"Is the Sperret iof William Tompkins
present ?" sed of the long harcd chaps, and
| there was three knox on the table
Scz |, William, how gozc it, Old Sweet
ness?'
"Pr,tty ruff, old hoss," he rcplidc.
That was n pleasant way we had Of ad
dressin each other when he was in the flesh
Air you in the show biznis, William ??
scz /.
He scd he was. lie scd he & John Bun
yan was travclin with side show in conncc
ton with Shakspecr, Jonson & Co.'S Circus
up the animils & ground the organ while he
tendid door. Occ&shunally Mr.. Bunyan sung
a comic song. The circus was doin middlir
well. Bill Shakspecr had made crate hi,
with Old Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was
dclitin the peple with his trooly CRATE Ak o
hossmanship without saddul or bridal. Thay
was rehcrsing Dixey's Land & expected il
would knock the pcpe.
Scz !, "WlLLrAM, my luvly friend, can you
pay me that l3 dollars you owe me ?" liz
sed no with one Of the most tremenjis kno,
| ever exper:unsed.
The Sirclc sed he had gone. "Air yor
gone, Williamy' Taxed.
Rayther," he rcplide, and knowd it was
no use to pursoo the subjcck furdcr.
then called fur my farther.
How's things, daddy ..s.
Mddlin, my son, middlin." .
Amt you prowd of your orlun boy?"
"Scaccly." .. ...
"Why not, my parient?"
Becawz you hav gone to wr,tn for thu
noospapers, my son. Bimeby you'll lose al
your character for trooth and vcrrasserty.-
When helpt you into the show biznis tolt
you to digncrfy that there perfeshun. Lit
teratoor is low" #
He also statid that he was doing middlir
well in the planet biznis & liked it putty well
tho the climit was rather warm.
When the Sircle stopt thay axed me wha
l thawt of it.
Sez I, "my trends I've bin into the show
bizncs now going on % years. There's ar
artikil in the Constitooshun of the United
States which sez in etftck that everybod,
may think just as he darn pleazes, e. them il
my sentiments to a hare. You dowtlis be
lceve this Spcrrct doctrine while think it il
a little mkt. just so soon as man bocum!
reglar out & out Sperret rapper he lecvc.
orr workin, lets his hare grow all over hi
fasc & commenss spungn his livin out o
other peple. He eats all the dickshunarie!
he can find & goze round chock full of bi,
words, scaren the wimmin folks & lttl,
children & destroyin the piece ofmind o
evry famerlee he enters. He don't do no
body no good is cuss to society & p,ri
on honest pcple's cnro heef harris. Admit
tin all yu say abowt the doctrin 10 De troo,
must say the reglar Professional Sperret rap
pcrs-them as makes biznis on it-ai
abowt the most ornery set of cusses eve
encountered in my life. So sayin put OF
my surtoot and went home
Respectfully Yures.
ARTEMUS WARD.
GEN. MCCLELLAN was born at Woodstock
Conn.,, a town adjoining Eastford, the birth
place of Gen. Lyon, and not at Philadelphia
as the papers have stated. His father move,
to Philadelphia during the boyhood of hi
now distinguished son. Woodstock is wher
the historic Putnam wolfdcn is located.
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