Daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1865, 1861-06-22
a1aA Complaint.

twish to complain of a very old nuis.
ance (yet, withal, Iery young one, tool;
one which has furnished n theme for more
than one monody before, which, believe,
will yet be sung gain aud again My on
y excuse for treating SO trite subject
must be tile woes / have endured ON It's
AcconntT7an Account In which, may say,
there is hothing to my Credit. "
Simply theniI protest against Babies.
''BruteI" cries the feminine reader, and
skips my article fer the next.
But the husband, who still remembers
how coldly the floor saluted his unsbod
feet, and how cofnfoItless was his stun
tion, in sac ds-nuit and nothing else, when
he was aroused
"lnt tho dead waste and middle Ct the night"
to walk up and down, bacI, and forth, with
the stars Pitilessly glimmering throug b the
icy window panes, upon him and his living
strnggling-and squalling-burden!
The husband reads my article, and tacit.
" 6elteyesin me. He won't acknowledge
it to his wife, though. -
The Baby is not an ornamental onject,
It is not an useful object. Then what Is
it2 As the original What is it?".is said
to be connecting link, so am fain to
think, Is the BaGy--a connecting link be-
tween Humanity and Inanity.
Babies are .goggle-eyed. You, fond
mother, brooding. doYe-like, over the cra-
die where your 6rst-born cherub lies in
smiling slumher, scorn me for that asser-
tion1, but it is true. Take a sudden glance
ut any little bald.headed, ,fiop-eared. mo-
eyehrowed, bOneless, shapeless, epitome of
man-excePt your own-nnd confess that.
on quick view to an impartial observer
the visual effect of the Baby is of the gog-
gle description.
They wear unwholesome flannel things.
always Wedged up under the arms and on
the nape of the neck-or rather the crease
where the nnpe should be. Their saIiyary
glands are defective. They have no sense.
They must be kissed. That, perhaps, is
the worst characteristic they possess.
Who in the name of all that is unlikely
hrst conceived the notion of kissing a Ba-
byY A high-cOlored, shelless oyster, with
rudimental indications of features, and n
strong tendency to nettle-hash. Is thisan
escnlatory subject2 Not any. Yet what
man of ordinary nerves dare refuse when
the Baby is handed him to kiss? Not /.
certainly, and HiHc ile lqchryma.
fOn, madame, will own that you have
seen cases of Baby, that were, to use the
mildest word, unprepossessiug. That
child OF Mrs. Jones, your neighbor-its
head as white, and shiny, and hairless as
billiard hall with awfully anatomical
veins meandering over it. Its half open
mouth, of stretchy appearance, eminentIy
conducive to the errntic economies of the
saltrary glands before mentioned. Its
black, unwinking eyes, like glass beads in
ball of putty. Its meaningless gibber aud
qnerrulous wall You know the child
and observe that you don't kiss it, if YOU
can help yourself. Madame, every week
of my life, have several just such beings
presented me for admiration, and am
inevitably expected to bestow upon these
skinny, clammy cOuntenanccs the highest
pledge of affection, the sweetest seal of
love eternal!
Do you know my idea of Paradise 1t
is place where they get along without ba-
bies. want to go to Paradise.