Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1861-02-08
A HuMEROus REPORT.

At the Sagadahoc Agricultural Fair, Rev.
George f. Adams, ID. D., Of Brunswick, was
appointed chairman Of the committee on "Pre-
serves, Pickles, &c" His report is very
readable, full of humor and good sense, and
wit, which, when read, convulsed the audience
present with laughther He first ascertains
the duty of the committee by an analysis of
the meaning of the term. preserves, pickles,
aud so forth" giving definitions from Webster,
and citations from Shakspeare.-
"How eam'st thou in this pickle !"
and admits that the committee in fine
pickle having to adjudicate the contending
claims of parcel of notable housewives.
After awarding the premiums, the reverend
gentleman concludes with a series Of receipts
which will, we doubt not, be read with pleas
ure by all. We have the following.
To make Vinegar of the strongest Find.-Take
one quart of the milk of human kindness,
such the poet sings of, pour into an earthen
pan, set on a table, with chair in front fac
ing the sun. Place in the chair regular,
old d.fashioned, tattling, misunderstanding gos-
sip, spectacles on nose, snuff-box in left hand,
large pinch between thumb and finger of
the right let her look inteutly at the afore-
said milk fifteen minutes by the kitchen clock,
! without winking. and if it isn't sour and sharp
at the end Of the fifteen minutes, report it to
the committee, and they'll drink it.
To impdrt double relish TO Preserves and
Pickles. Send a small ar Of each, with best
respects. to your minister. Or if you should
hear that a neighbor has got the start of you,
peck of peas or a bushel of potatoes, or
few rolls Of first premium butter will answer.
n. b. Never mind the Printer. lie lives
on Gas
TO keep good natured, never quarrel.-If it
should fail, give something to somebody daily.
To keep up neighborhood qaGrrel-Shr once
a week, adding if needful few drops Of "oil
o vtrl.' 1t will be as good hundred years
hence to-day.
To keep good name-Be good man, and
above all never be a candidate for governor or
president
To preserve an old Fogy-Put in barrel
and head up. There's pepper and vinegar
enough in him to keep him, without further
application, as long as the world wants him.
To preserUe beauty-Say your prayers every
morning, read your bible every night, and the
newspaper every week. Never scold your
husband, for every scolding causes two wrink-
les one in the scolder and one in the scoldee.
Cultivate your mind, cultivate your affections
for there is no genuine beauty without in
tellect and heart. Never be impatient. Ever
return smiles for frowns.
To keep a beau.--First-as Mrs. Glass in
her cook book about the turbot-catch him.
Then, if your beau being fairly (or unfairly
caught, belongs to the genus homo, if, in other
words, he is a real man, treat him once a
week-any time but Saturday nights, lest he
should sleep in meeting on Sunday-to dish
composed of two parts good frank common
sense, and one part hearty womanly kindness.
But if he belongs to the genus siDiia, which
is, being interpreted, dandy, apply soft soap,
lain on pretty thick and he will be sure to
last till the next crop comes in, when you
easily get another Of the same sort, Just
as good
To keep beaU.--( Miss---'s ,ody. Take
him into the kitchen, the store-room, the cell
lar show him the preserves and pickles, and
all the nice things your own fair hands (or
your mothers) have made, suggesting the an
ticipation of many sweet and good things in
years to come.
To keep beau ohsn all other methods fdil--
shortest, cheapest and surest ,Ody of aH.-Send
for the chairman of the committee on pre-
serves. pickles, aud so forth. who will quickly
put the Young man into pickle which he
will not quickly get out Of
All of which is most respectfully submitted.