Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1861-08-01
The Fat Contributes in the

The Fat Contributes In the
Home Guards.
The Cleveland Plaindeaier's "Fat Con-
trihutorn (Griswold) has joined the val
liant aHome Guards" He tells his expe-
rience thus:
The moment the flag was threatened
large bodies of men were called upon to
rally in its defense. Being large bodied
man, I rallied and enrolled myself with the
Home Guards. The drill is very severe
Oh me this hot weather, although am
constantly allowed an attendant with fan
and pitcher of ice water. am living
naradox. for while getting Hardee, l am
daily growing weak. Talk about ''the
time that tried mems souls" there are the
times that try mems. fat if they have got
any. The captain takes pleasure in pnt-
ting me through at double quick step
When go off 1 think it will be with a
"double quick consumption.
I am constantly remined that one of
the first requirements Of a soldier is to
throw out his chest and draw in his stom-
ach. Having been burned out several
times while occupying rooms in the attic,
have had considerable practice in Mroao.
ing out my chest, but by what system of
practice could I ever hope to draw in my
stomach? can't 'sdress up''-its mo- use
trying. If my vest buttons are in line, l
am FAR 10, the rear, and il I toe the mark
q fearful bulge indicates my position
There is no room for argument in regard
to my sentiments-everybody can see ar a
glance Just where I stand.) One eve
ming we had a new drill sergeant who was
near-sighted. Running his eye down the
line be exclaimed sharply-.What is that
man doing in the ranks with bass drum :"
He pointed at me, but hadn't any drum,
it was the surplus stomach that I couldn't
draw in. > fs.f1est 4isa1i'sl
i am the butt of numberless jokes, as
you may well suppose. They have got a
story in the Guards that when l first heard
the command-"Order Arms"-I dropped
my musket, and taking out my note book
began to draw an order on the Governor
for what arms I wanted. They say or
dered the Winan's Steam Gun, with pair
of Dahlgren's Howitzers for side arms =
Base fabricators. My ambition never ex-
tended beyond rifled cannon, and they
knew it. ,es q .-5
Although in respect to size belong to
the "heayies," my preference is for Light
Infantry service. My knapsack is marked
Light Infantry. One evening spectators
seemed convulsed about something and
my comrades Uttered by platoons whenev-
er my back was turned. 1t was all a mys-
terry TO me until laid off my knapsack.-
Some wretch had eraced the two final let
ters, and had been parading all the eve-
ming labeled "L1GHr INFANrw The above
is one of the thousand annoyances to which
I am subjected, and nothing but my con-
suming patriotism could ever induce me to
submit to it. 1 rallied at the call of my
country, and am not to be put out by the
ralying of my comrades.
I overheard q spectator inquire of the
drill sergeant one day.. "Do you drill the
whole of him at once?" = 49, n
s"No," he returned in an awful whisper,
~ drill him by squadsp sos .s.f8
/ would have drilled him if / had had
bayonet.
Specifications have been published in
regard to my uniform and contractors ad-
vertised for. The making will be let out
to the lowest responsible bidder. In case
the Guards are ordered to take the field, a
special Commissary will be detailed to sup
ply my rations. That reminds me of a
narrowing incident. On last drill night,
an old farmer who dropped in to see us
drill, took me aside and said he wanted to
sell me powerful yoke of oxen.
"My ancient agriculturalist," said I smi-
ling at his simplicity, 81 have no use for
oxen" a ---f fl7. ~.
Perhaps not at present." quoth he,
.but if you 60 to war you will want them.''
"For whatp said I considerably an
noyed. r .s-;H .s 'sr3a bsa ~
"Want sem to draw your rationsW q
i The Guards paid me delicate compli-
ment at the last meeting. They elected
me saChild Of the Regiment with the
rank of 1st Compliant, and the pay of chief
"Blowyer." Twas about to return thanks
in neat and appropriate speech when a
reporter who was present assured me it
was no use-he had got the whole thing
in type, speech and all, and | could read
It in the evening papers. He said they
kept meat and appropriate speech stand
ing in type continually. I got his views
and held my peace. l''a
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the Stripes,
FAT CONTRIBUTOR.
A short Fourth of July Grafton