Worcester daily spy. [volume] (Worcester [Mass.]) 1850-1888, 1861-05-23
From Vanity Fair.
ARTEMUS WARDIN THE SOUTHERN
CONEEDERACY.

CONFEDEkACH.
The Show IL COndscated.
You hev perhaps wondered wlIarebouts 1
was for these many dase gone and past Per-
haps You sposed I'd gone to the Toomb of the
Cappylets, tho don't know what those u.s.
It's popular noosepaper Erase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that We NAV
here, I've been among the seseshers, earnin
my daily peck by my legilimlt perfeshun, and
havn't had no time to weeld my face quill for
"the CRATE komck paper" if You'll allow me
to kOe from your troothu advertisement.
My success was skay, and l likewise had
narrer scape of my life. If what I've bin
threw is southern hospitality" bout which
we have hearn so much, then | feel bound to
obsarve that they made too much of me. They
was altogether too lavish with their atten-
shuns.
went amung the seseshers with no feelins
OF annernosity. l went in my perfeshernal
capacity. was actooaed by one of the most
loltiest desires which can swell the human
boozum, viz TO Civ the people their moneys
worth, by shown them sagashus beests, and
wax statoots which venter to say are ensur-
past by any other statoots anywhares. will
not call that man who SEE my statoots are hum
bugs lier and boss thief, but bring him be 4
me and I'll wther him with one of my skorn-
full frOwns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travis
threw the sonny south heared heap of talk
about seseshin and Dustin up the Union. but |
didn't think it mounted to nothin. The polit-
clans in all the villages was swearin that Old
Abe (sometmes called the Prallayrie fowerl
should mt never be noggerated. They also
made fools Of themselves in varis ways, but as
they was used 10 that dii"'e 'es i' $3.50,
mueI, a.,d aud stripes contlnnered
for 10 wave over my little tent. Moor over
was a son of malty and member of several
other Temperance societies, and my wife she
was dawter of malty, an sposed these fax
would secoor me the nfoouz and perfection
OF all these fuSt famerlies. Alas | was dis
pinted. State arter state seseshed aud it
growed hotter and hotter for the undersigned.
Things come TO climbmacks in a small town
in Aabamy, where was premtorally order
ed to haul down the stars and stripes A dep
pytashun OF red faced men cum up TO the door
OF my tent ware was standin takin money
1.-THE AFTERNOON eXhibshun had commenst, an
my Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin
chimes. eve air cum, sir, said a millingta.
ry man in a cockt hat, "upon a hi and holey
miShun. The southern eagle is screamin
threwout this sunny land proudly and defiant
ly screamin sir !"
"Whats the matter with him." seq |, "don't
his vttles sit well on his stummick z"
"That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream
all over this Brite and tremenjus land !"
"Wall let him scream. II your Eagle can
amuse hissef by screamin, let him went I"
The men annoyed me, for l was Bizzy maxim
change.
owe are cum, Sir, upon a matter OF dooty
-"
you're right, Capting. It's every mans
dooty to visit my show" sed |.
eve air CUM"
"And that's the reason you are here!" SEE
!, larfin one of my silvery larts. l thawt if
he wanted to COAX I'd give him sum of my
sparklin epygrams.
"Sir, you're mserlent The plain question
is, will you haul down the Star-Spangled ban
ner, and hist the Southern flag!"
"Nary hist p Those was my reply.
"Your wax works and beests is then con.
fisticated, & you air arrested as a spy %
See 1, MY fragrant roses of the Southern
cline and blooming datlodls, what's the price
of whiskey in this town, and how many cubic
feet of that seductive food can you individ.
ooay hold 2"
They made no reply to that, but said my
wax figgers was confsticated. | axed them
if that was gineray the stile among thieves
in that country, to which they also made 10
reply, but sed was arrested as a Spy, and
must go to Montgomery in iuns. They was
by this time jined by large crowd of other
Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin
"Hang the bald headed aberlitionst, and bust
up his immoral exhibition !' | was ceased
and tied to stump, and the crowd went fol
my tent-that water proof pavilion wherein
instruction ami amusement had been Sc
muchly combined, at Is cents per head-and
tore it all to pieces Meanwhile dirty facet
boys was THROWN siuns and empty beer pot
ties at my massiv brow, & takin other improp
er liberties with my person. Resistance wa
useless, Tor a variety Of reasons as l readily
obsarved.
The Seseshers confsticated my statoots b,
smashin them to attums They then went t.
my money box and confisticaed all the oos
change therein contained They then wen
and bust in my cages, lettin all the animile
loose, small but helthy tiger among the rest
This tiger las excentric way OF tearin dog
to peaces and alters sposed from his ginera
conduck that he'd hav no hestashun in servi
human beins in The same way it he could gl
at them. Excuse me if l was crooil, but
laried boysterusly when saw that tiger sprn
in amung the peple. go it, my sweet cuss,
] inardly exclaimed, 81 ,orgiv you for bltn Of
my left thum with all my hart! Rip 'em u
like a bully tiger whose Lare has been invade
by Seseshurs"
/ can't say for certn that the tiger serisl
injured any OF them, but as he was seen a te'
days after sum miles distant with large an
well selected assortment of seats of trowses
his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd bin ha'
in sum vilent exercise, | rayther guess he di,
You VIII therefore perceive that they don
confisticate him much
was carrid to Montgomery in iuus an
placed in durans vial. The jail was a ornei
edifiss, but the table was librally supplied wi
Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good yariet
for when didn't banker after Bakin l cou
help myself to the Cabbidge.
/ had nobody to talk to nor nothin TO tn
about howsever, and was very lonely spe
tally on the first day SO when the ialer par
my lonely sell, put the few stray hairs OF, Il
back part of my he'd I'm bald now, but tina
was a time when l wore sweet auburn ringlet
iuto as dishevd a state as possible, & roll
my eyes like a manyyuek, cride: "Sta