The Athens post. [volume] (Athens, Tenn.) 1848-1917, 1861-06-28
Artemus Ward IN the South.

prolane oaths more n onct, but hope
didn't do II, for I've promist she whose
name shall be naneless (except that her
initials is Betsy J.,) thatI'll.i .iine the Meet.
in House in Baldinsville jest rs soon as
can scrape money enuf together so can
ford to be Plus in good stile, like my
welthy nabors. But If I'm confsticated
agin I'm afraid l shall continner on In
my present benited state for sum time.
figgered conspicyuslv in many thrill
ing scenes in my tower from Montgomery
to my humsted, and on sevril occasions /
thought "the crate komic paper" wouldn't
never be inriched no more with my lu-
brications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson
d. | started for. the dcpo. saw a niger
sittin on fence playin on banjo
my Afrikin Brother" sed I, cotin from
a Track onct red, "you belong to very
interestin race. Your masters Is going to
war exclusively on your account"
"Yes, boss" he replied, and he went
on playin' the banjo. larfiin all over and
opepin' his mouth wide enuf to drive in
an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which | was to
trust my wallerble life was the scaliest,
rickyiest lookin' lot of consarns that !
ever saw on wheels afore. "What time
| does this string of second hand collins
| leave?" | inquired of the depo MASTER
| He sed dreckly, and | went in and set
! down. hadn't more'n fairly squatted
afore dark lookin' man with swinister
| expression onto his countenance entered
the cars, and lookin' very sharp at me, he
asked what was my principles?
"Secesh" / answered, "I'm a Disso-
lutcr. Pm in favor of jeff. Davis, Bou-
regard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard.
Munroe Edwards, the devil, Mrs. Cum
ningham, and all the rest of 'em."
"You're in favor of the war;"
"Certingly. BY ali means. Pm in fa-
vor of this war and also of the next war.
I've been in favor of the next for over
| sixteen yearsW
"War to the knive! sed the man.
"Blud, Fargo, blud!" sed /, tho them
words isn't origernal with me. Them
words was rit by Shakespeare, who is dead.
His mantle fell onto the author of "The
Seven Sisters" who's goin to have a
| Spring overcoat made oLt of it.
We got under way at last, an proceed
| ed on our jerney at about the rate of
speed which is generally observed by pro.
| perly conducted funeral professions. A
hansum yung gal, with red musketer
bar on the back part of her he'd, and sas-
sy little black hat tipt over her forred,
sot in the seat with me. She wore little
Sesash flag pin'd onto her hat, and she
was goin to her troo love, who had .jincd
| the Southern army, and SO bold and so
gay. So she told me- She was chilly and
| offered her my blanket.
"Father livin?" axed. "Yes SER"
"Got any UnclesT >
Peace TO uneie Dss Th%m", HS"s s esie. sa '" "na
success to him. will be your Uncle
Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Secesh-
er, and lnger in Blissiul repose!" She
slept as secoorely as in her own housen.
and didn't disturb tho sollum stiffness of
the night with 'ary snore.
At the first station troop OF Soiers en-
tered the cars and inquired if "Old Wax
Works" was on board. That was the dis
respectiv still in which they referred to me.
"Becawiz if Old Wax Works is on bord,"
sez man with face like doublebreast-
ed lobster, 1--WE are going to hang Old
Wax Works!"
MY illustrious and patriotic Bum
mers" sez | a Citing up and takin ort
my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward,
it's my pleasin dooty to inform you that
he's ded. He saw the error OF his ways at
Is minits past yesterday, and stabbed
hisself with stuffed sledstake, dyin in
five beautiful tabloos to slow moosic! His
last words was: my perieshernal career
is over! | jerk no more" ....
"And who be you!"
"Im a stoodent in Senator Benjamin s
law ofiiss Pm going up North to steal
sum spoons and things for the Southern
Army"
This was satisfactarv and the ;rtossi.
Gated trooners went orf The next station
the nrettv little Secesher nwoke and sed
che must c;t rut there. 7 bid her n kin d
adoo and eive her sum nervisions.
"Accept NV blessin' and this hunk O,
rinperbred. ."i sed. She thankt me much
iy aud trint oavlv owav. There's consid
erable human mater in a man. and Pm
fraid | shall alters give aid and comfort tc
the enemy if he Gums to me in the shape
of a nice younp eal.
At the newt station 7 d;dn oct orf sc
easy. was dragged out of the cars in
a. mud for sayeraI minits for tho nur
nose of stakin, the oonset out of me. as
coo.l,on L;,,dj,, sto,od
was iet up nnaliy' nhen !" PoMeliu
large oecesiier came up anu snJ'seeI snnI seo,
~ '';,, no ,,,', h;s ,ose INTO NV mouth
! I"r rat9srned ts m tbe Commitment bv nlaonv nv
stun,mncl, snddenlv ogin his ripht foot
,vhnn ba kindly made n snittoon Of hi.
olie hod;ed fnce Aotooated bv n desir,
70 see whetber the Secesher had been wax
mated / ,hen fastened nv teeth onto hi,
left coot.sleeve and tore il to the shoulder
We then vilentlv hunted our heads TO.
oether for a few minutes, danced aroun,
q little. sot down in mud puddle. w,
riz to our feet agn & by a sudden & adj OF
movement placed my left eye agin tn,
, Secesher's fist. We then rusled into eacl
others arms and fell under a too hos
wagon. was very much exhausted ant