Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1861-06-15
Artemus Ward in the South-His
Trials and Tribulations.

ny south. "The swings and arrers of
outraius fortin,' alluded to by Hamlick,
warn't nothia comparison to my troub-
les. I came pesky near swearin sum
profane oaths more'n onct, but / hope
[ didn't do It, for I promist she whose
name shall be nameless Except that
her initials is betsy j. that I'll jine the
Meetin House at Baldinsville just as
soon as can scrape money enuff to-
gether so can ford to be piuss in good
style, like my welthy nabers. But if
I'm con6scated agin Pm fraid / shall
continner on my present benited state
for some time.
/ fggered conspicyusly in many tril-
lin scenes in my tower from Montgom-
ry to my humsted, and on seyril occas-
ions I thought "the great komic paper"
wouldn't never be inriched no more
with my l~brigations. Arter biddin
adoo to Jefferson D. I started for the
depo. l saw a niger sittin on fence
a playin on a banjo. my Afikin
brother,'' said 7, cotin from a Track
| onct red, "you belong to interesting
race. Your masters is going to war
exclusively on your account"
Yes, boss" he replied, can wish
EN- honorable graves!'' and he went
on playin the banjo, larfn all over and
openin his mouth wide enutf, to drive
in an old fashioned two wheeled chaise.
The train Of cars in which I was to
trust my wallerble life was the scaliest
rickytist looking lot of consarns that |
ever saw on wheels afore.
"What time does this string Of sec
ond hand coffins leave?'' I inquired
Of the depot master. He said direckIy,
and I went in & sot down. | hadn't
MORN fairly squatted afore dark look
in man with swinister expression onto
his countcnance entered the cars, and
lookin very sharp at me, he asked what
was my principles.
"Secesh!" I, anserd, "Tm a dissolu-
ter. I'm in favor Of JEFF. Davis, Beaur-
egard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloc
beard, Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs.
Cunningham and all the rest of 'em."
"War to the knive!' sed the man.
"Blud, Fargo, blud!' sed I, tho
them words isn't origgernal with me-
Them words was rit by Shakespeare,
who is ded. His mantle fell onto the
author of the 'ESeven Sisters" who's
goin to have spring overcoat made of
it.
We got under way at larst, an pro-
ceeded on our .jerney at about the rate
Of speed which is generally obsarved
by properly conducted funeral porcess-
ions. A hansum yung gal, with a red
muskeeter bar on the back part of her
he'd, and sassy little black hat ipt over
her forred, sot in the seat with me-
She wore little sesesh flag pinned on
to her hat, and she was going to her
troo love, who had jincd the southern
army, all so bold and SO gay. So she
told me. She was chilly and offered
her my blanket.
tFather liven?' asked.
eyes sir.''
"Got any uncles !"
GA heap. Uucle Thomas is dead
tho"
"Peace to Uncle Thomas ashes, and
success to him: l will be your Uncle
Thomas! Lean on me my pretty Sc
cesher, and linger in blissful repose !!
She slept as secoorlv Is in her own
house, and didn't disturb the sollum
stiffness Of the night with nary a
snore.
At the first station q troop Of sogers
entered the cars and inquired if "Old
Wax Works. was on bored. That
was the disrespectiv style in which
they referred to me. "Becauz if Old
Wax Works is on bored," sez a man
with face like double brested lobster,
eve are going to hang Old Wax
Worksr'
"My illustrious and patriotic Bum
mers % sez I, gittin up and takin orr
my Shappoo, 'sif you alluda to A.
Ward, its my pIeasin dooty to inform
you that he's ded. He saw the error
of his waz at Is ninits past yester-
day, and stabbed hisself with stuffed
sled stake, dying in FIVE butiful tab
loss to slow moosic. His larst words
was "My perfeshernal Greer is over
| jerk no more -
And who be you?''
"I'm a stoodent in Senator Benia-
Minis law Office. I'm going up north
to steal sum spoons and things for the
Southern Army
| This was satisfactory intoxicated
troopers went crf. At the next sta
ton the pretty little secesher awoke
and sed she must get out there. I bid
her kind adoo and Civ her some pro-
visions. accept my biesSin and this
hunk of gingerbread" [ sed. She