Cedar Falls gazette. [volume] (Cedar Falls, Iowa) 1860-1895, 1861-01-25
Artcmus Ward on his Travels.


Artemus Ward on his Travels.
#sa~ oSro rur wiso, Dec. 1900
0snss the Editorul Corpese Of Tanity Fai-:-
Since last rit you I've met with immen-
ne success a shown my show in variS places,
particly Detroit. I put Up at Mr.. Russers
tavern, a very good tavern too, but an, sor-
ry to inform you that the clerks tried to cum
Gouge Game on me. brandished mynew
sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round con-
Siderblc, & as Twas drcsst in my store clothes
& had lot of sweet.scentcd wagon grease on
my hair, am free TO confess that thought
| lookt putty gay. It never once struck me
that lookt green. But up steps clerk &
Safe. Sir" seq I, THAT watch cost sixteen
dollars! Yes sir, every dollar Of it | You can't
cum it over me, my boy! Not at all, Sir -
know'd what the clerk wanted. lie want
ed that watch himself. lie wanted to make
believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe, then
he would set the house a fire and pretend as
tho the watch was DESTROYED with other pro-
perty! But he caught Tomartar when he
got hold of me. From Detroit 60 west ard
hoe. Or the cars was a he-lookin female,
with greene cotton umbrellcr in one hand
and hand full of Reform tracts in the other.
She said every woman should have Spear
Them as didn't have their Spears, didn't
know what was good for them. "What is
my Spcary' she axcd, addrcssin the people
in the cars. "Is it 10 stay to home & darn
stockins & be the ser-lare Of dominecrin
man? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak &
show myself the ekal of man9 Is there n
sister in these keers that has her proper
Spcar?' Saying which the eccentric female
whirled her nmbrcler round several times, &
finally jabbcd me in the weskit with it.
"Fve no objecshuns to your goin into the
Spear bizniss,' sez I, 4" but you'll please re.
member ant u pickeril. Don't Spear me
ag,n, if you please" She sot down.
At Ann Arbor, bcin seized with suddn
laintness, called for drop Of suthin to
drink As was siirrin the beverage up, a
palc-faced man in gold spectaclcs laid his
hand upon my shoulder, 4 sed, "Look not
upon the wine when it is red
Scz I, This amt wine. This is Old
Rye" . . '
N stingtth like a Iader and Jiteh like q
Sarpsnt" scd the man.
IL guess not" sed |, when you put SUI
gar in it. That's the way, alters take
nine"
"IIav you sons grown up Sir!' the man
axed.
WALL replidc, as put myself out
side my beverage, "my son ARTEMus junior
is goin on 49, ~ fa a..
"Ain't you afraid if you sci this example
BED him, he'll cum TO a bad end'
Hes cum to a waXed end already Hes
lparnn the shoe maxim bizncss" | replied
"I guess we can both on us git along with
out your assistance, Sir" obsarved, as he
was about to open his mouth agin.
"This is h cold world ~ scd the man.
"rhat's so. But you'll git into warm.
cr one 10y and by, if you don't mind your
own bizniss better" | was a littlp rlcd Mt
the fe'ler because | never take anvthin only
when really need it. | Afterwards learned
he was temperance lecturer, and f he can
iniucc folks t. stop scttin their inards on fire
with the frightful Ticker which is retaled
round the country, I shall hartily rejoice
Better Civ men Prusick Assid to onct, than
TO pxen 'em to deth by degrees
At Albion met with overwhelmin sue
cess. The celebrated Albion Female Scme-
nary is located here, & there air over 800
young ladies in the Institushun pretty cnuA'
to cat without seasonin or sass. The Young
ladies was very kind to me. volunteern to
pin my handbills onto the backs Of their
dresses. 1t was a surblmc site to see over
800 ladies goin round with a advertisement
Of A WARDS unparalleled show, conspick-
usly posted onto their dresses. ., ..
They've got a Panick up this way and re-
fooze to take Western money. 1t never was
worth mu h. and when western men, who
know what it is, rcfooze to take their own
money it is about time other folks stopt handl-
in it. Banks arc Dustin every day, going up
higher nor any balloon Of which we hav any
record. These western bankers air sweet
x luvly set of men. wish owned rs good
a house as some Of 'em would break into
Virtoo is its own reward. A. WARD