The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1861-02-20
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
"a gentleman wants to see YOU
outside" as the ferret said to the rabbit

- We know man down east whose
hearing was so hard that he broke it up
and sold il for gun flints.
- A man in Missouri planted some
beans late one afternoon, and next morn
ing they were ap-thanks to his hens.
=" You'll find it out" as the thief
said to himself, when he saw gentleman
feeling in his pocket for his handkerchief.
- A Yankee doctor has recently got
up a remedy for hard times. II consists
Of ten hours hard labor, well worked in.
= 1t is said that there is skipper in
New York who has so often crossed the
Atlantic that he knows every wave by
sight.
- A wag, on hearing that man had
given up chimney sweeping expressed his
surprise, rs he thought the business SCOT
ed him.
=" "Do make yourselves at home, la
dies," said hostess to her visitors one
day; "Pm at home myself, and wish you
all were."
=" A lawyer" said Lord Brougham,
"is learned gentleman, who rescues your
estate from your enemies, and keeps it
himself"
= An old maid was once asked to sub
scribe TO newspaper. She answered no:
she always made her own news. No
doubt of it.
- A ladv's maid told her mistress
that sho once swallowed several pins to-
gether. "Dear me-" said the lady, "didn't
they kill yonl"
= An eastern paper describes fence
made Of such crooked rails, that every
time pig crawled through il came out
on the same side,
--'I rise for information" said mem-
Der of legislative body. 81 am very
glad to hear it," said bystander, "for no
man wants it more"
&c keep an excellent table," said a
lady, disputing with one of her boarders,
"That may be true, ma'am, but you put
very little upon it,"
= The advice given by nm Irishman to
bis English friend, on introducing him to
n regular Tipperary row, was, "Wher-
ever you sec a head, hit it,"
- An urchin remarked that the prin-
cipal branch of education in his school was
the willow branch; the teacher having
used up nearly whole tree.
- A man came into the printing Of
fee to beg a paper. Because said he,
1--WE like to read newspapers very much,
but onr neighbors are too stiugy to take
one"
= "Are you guilty, or not guilty ?"
asked the clerk of arraigns of prisoner
the other day. can sure now," said Pat,
"what are you put there for but TO find
that outW
-" Teddy, my boy, jist guess how
many cheese there are in this ere bag, an
faith I'll give you the whole five." "Five,
to be sure" "Arrah, bad luck to the
man that tould ye!"
= A well-dressed young gentleman at
a ball, in whisking about the room, ran
head against young lady. He began to
apologize. "Not a word, sir; it is not
hard enough to hurt anybody"
81 find there are halfa-dozen part
ridges in the letter." said gentleman to
a servant; who replied, "Sir, / am glad
you have found them an tie letter, for
Mey all fesO ont Of the basket"
= A certain paper says that cucum-
bers can be made pickles while growing,
if you get a cross old maid to look over
the fence at the vines three times n week !!
That editor is IN old bachelor, we'll bet
a pickle.
I'll will save you n thousand pounds"
said young buck to an old gentleman.
"How Z" " You have daughter, and
you intend to give her ten thousand as
her portion" 81 do" "Sir, will take
her with nine thousand"
- A Michigan man, who was long
time absent in Indiana, where ho went to
buy horses, apolgized upon his return by
saying, that every little darned town he
passed through, the people wanted him to
stop and be president of bank.
= A gentleman advertises, in New
York paper for board in quito genteel
family, where there are two or three beau
tiful and accomplished young ladies, and
where his society will be deemed a sufii-
cheney for board, lodging, washing and 9th
or etceteras.
30 dearr blubbered out an
urchin who had just been suffering
from the application of the birch;
1 Al III 4 ....l.a N