Muscatine weekly journal. [volume] (Muscatine, Iowa) 185?-1890, 1861-08-23
The War Fever i'm BaldinsyiIle
BY ARTEMUS WARD.
The GREAT SNOWMAN AT HOME

AS soon as I'd recooperated my
hisikil system, =. went over into the
illage. The peasantry was glad to
ee me. The skoolmaster sed it was
hecrin to see that gigantic inte!leck
Imong 'em onct more. That's what
le called me. like the skoolmaster,
md alters send him tobacker when Pm
,ff on travelin campane. Besides
,e's very sensible man. Such men
must be encouraged.
They don't get news very fast in
Baldinsville, as nothing but a plank
road runs in there twice week, and
that's very much out of repair. So
my nabers wasn't much posted up in
regard to the wars. Squire Baxter sed
he'd voted the dimicratic ticket for go
in on forty year, and the war was a
dam black republican lie. 10. Stack
pole, who kills hogs for the Squire,
and has get powerful muscle into his
arms, sed he'd bet SIS he could lick the
Crisis in fair stand up fight, if he
wouldn't draw knife on him. So it
went-sum was for war, and sum was
for peace. The skoolmaster, however,
sed, the Slave Oligarky must cover at
the feet Of the north ere year had
flowed by, or pass over his dead COVER
''Esto perpetua - he added. "And
sine qua non also !" sed I, sternly,
wishing to make impression onto the
villagers. ,"Requiescat in pace - sed
the skoolmaster. "Too troo, too troo,"
| answered. "It's scanderlus fact!''
The newspapers, got along at last,
chock full of war, and the patriotic fe-
yer eairly bust out in Baldinsville.-
Squire Baxter sed he didn't believe in
Coercion, not one Of 'em, and could
prove by file Of Eagles Of Liberty
in his garrit, that it was all Wing lie,
got up to raise the price of whisky and
destroy our other liberties. But the
old Squire got putty riley when he
heard how the rebels was cuttin up, and
he said he reckoned he should scour up
his old muskit and do little square
fitin for the Old Flag, which had all
ers been on the ticket he'd voted and
he was too cid to Bolt now. The
Squire is all right at heart, but it takes
longer for him to fill his venurable
Biler with steam than it used to when
he was young and frisky. As l previ-
ously informed you, l am Captin of
the Baldinsville Company. Iriz grad
ooally but majestically from drum
mer's Secretary to my present position
But found the ranks vast full by nc
means and commenced for to recl DOT.
Havin notist ginerel desire on the
part Of young men who are into the
Crisis to wear eppylits, | detarnened
to have my company composed excloo-
sively Of olfissers, everybody to rank as
Brigadeer- ginral. The follerin was
among the varls questions | put to re.
croots:-
! Do you know a masked battery from
a hunk Of gingerbread
| Do you know eppyllt from piece
f chalk ? .,.. ...... ...-.....
If | trust you with real gun, how
many men ofyour own company do yor
speck you can manage to kill during
the war!
| Hay you heard of General Price Of
Missouri, and can you avoid simila,
accidents in case Of battle 2?
Hay you ever had the measels, ano
if SO, how many?
How air you now?
Show me your tongue, &C., &c.
Some Of the questions was sarcusstical
The company filed up rapid, and
lost Sunday we went to the meetin-
house in full uniform. | had seris
time gettin into my military harness
as it was built for me many years ago:
but finally got inside of it, tho it
fitted me putty clost. Howsoever, onct
into it, | lookt fne-in fact awinspirin
DO you know me, Mrs. Ward p sed l,
walkin into the kitchin.
Know you, you old fool! OF course
do ,..... ..-..
| saw at onct that she did.
| | started for the meetin- house, and
Pm fraid | tried. to strate, for
cum very near fallin over back wards ;
and in attemptin to recover myself, my
sword got mixed up with my legs, and
| fell in among choice collection Of
young ladies who was a-seein the soier
boys come up. My ookt hat fell off,,
and sumhow my coat tales got twisted
around my neck. The young ladies
put their handkerchers to their mouths
and remarked-'Te he while my an
;ient female single friend, Sary Peas
ley, bust fu5 into loud larf. She
exercised her mouth so vicinity that Der
new false teeth fell out onto the ground.
Miss Peasley,' sed l, gettin up and
dustin myself, you must be more care
full with them store teeth Of your'p, or
you IL EaV to gum IL agln
Methinks had her.
I'd.bcen t. work hard all the week,
and 1 felt rather snoopy. I'm 'fraid l
did git half asleep, for on hsarin the
minister ask, why was man made to
morn ? sed, Il Civ it up ha7in
vague idee 1T was conundrum. 1t
was an unfortinit remark for the whole
meetin-house looK5 at me with lngled
surprise and Indignation. l was about
risin to g pint of order, when it sud-
denly occurred to me WHARF l was, and
I kept my seat, blushin like the red,
red rose-so to speak.
The next rnornin rose with the lark.
IN. B.-I don't sleep with the lark
tho' A poak \ SO :. ......--g "A