Delaware State journal and statesman. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1855-1870, 1861-04-12
WIT AND HuMoR.


ever seen Louisiana
"No," says Jack, ''what country does SHIT
live in ~
WIFE--complainingly-I haven't more than g
third Of the bed
Husband-triuhphanty-'Thatsa all the Law
allows you
A CANDID CLERGYMAN. old rough clergy.
man once took for his text that passage of the
Psalms Il said in my haste all men are linrs.
Looking up, he said; you said in your haste,
David, did You? Well, ifyou had been here you
might have said, after mature reflection
AN afflicted husband was returning from the
funeral of his wife, when a friend asked him hO "
he was; WELL he said pathetcally, Il think
feel the better Of that little walk.
AN alderman was heard the other day getting
oil the following specimen of what may be called
corporation logic; All human things IRE hollow;
nm human thing, therefore I'm hollow. 1t
is contemplate to be hollow, therefore I'll stuff
myself as full as I'm able
'Wny do you walk, Bob, when you've got q
donkey to ride !? said gentleman to an Irish lad
who was walking by the side of his donkey.
Sure, them replied the hey, 'l'm just walk
ing to rest me weary legs
WELL, my little fellow, what's the matter p
Why don, you go to schOol?'
THE master will beat mo Boo-hoo-hoo =
Well then, take your books and go home
Then mother will beat me, thir Boo. hoo
boO-hOol Icau't help being licked any wayP
Il am going to write book on popular ignor-
ance,' said a conceited young man to Brown. Il
know Of no one, said the latter, more compet-
ent 10 prepare such work.
SPELL the word Oxford without using single
letter belonging to it. Yon may insert little
Cockney pronunciation, however, if you please,
Give it up. Ell Hawksphut.
SMART RnpLY-A father was winding his
watch, when he said, payiully, to his little girl,
Let me wind your nose upP NO. said the
child, i don't want my nose wound up, for
don't acdnt IL TO run all day.
A lady, in reply to some guests that praised
the mutton on her table, said, '0h yes, my hus-
band always buys the best he is great epicao.'
This reminds us of an old lady who, in describ-
ing the sudden death Of her husband, said, 'he
died in an after-clip.
Heaven renders her dews to the earth, but
earth seldom or never renders her dues to heaven.
II mans horses lose their tails, why should
he sell them wholesale? Because he can't re-
tail them.
Many persons are in advance of their age, but
an old maid generally manages to be about ten
years behind hers
Tailors may not be q very tolcrable set of hui
man beings, but we have seen many military
officer, who although vain of his courage, could
not look his tailor in the face
boy not fond of fun and frolic may possibly
make tolerable man, but he is an intOlerable
boy
NICE DfsTlNoTloN.-A witness on recent
trial in one OF the superior courts admitted that
she had seen the respondent 'tipsy,' but denied
that she had seen her drunk, Upon being
asked to define the difference between THE two
expressions, she said that drunk meant very
stupid, but tipsy only meant mot bright
An old topper was induced to sign the temper
ance pledge, which he kept vigorously for some
weeks. AT last he got decidedly balmy, and one
of his friends demonstrated with him for his
to his obligations. He answered,
80 be sure | signed the pledge; but was ex-
iremely dry, and all signs fail in dry time.
AN old topper, in the last stage of the dropsy,
was told by his physician that nothing would
save him except being tapped His son, witty
little shaver, objected to this operation, saying
Daddy, daddy, don't submit to it, for you know
there was never anything tapped in our house
that lasted more than week.
A sailor dropped out of the rigging Of a ship
Of war, some 10 to 20 feet, and fell down plump
on the first Lieutenant, wretch = snid the Of
icer after he had gathered himself up, where
did you come from?' AN sure came from the
north of ireland, your honor.
A Western Editor, speaking of large and fat
remarked that if all flesh was
grass, he must be n load of hay.
Il suspect an,' said the fat man, from the
way the asses are nibbling at me-
A clergyman had milk white horse, which,
on account Of its beautiful form, he called Zion
Having ordered his horse to the door, a friend
asked him where he was going. 'Why," said he,
ito Mount Zion
Some queer fellow. who had tried 'em, says:
There are Two sorts of wine in Stuttgart; to
drink one is like swallowing an angry cat; the
other like pulling the animal back again by the
tail.
Smith met two editors who had been at 'outs,'
on the street walking arm in arm, Hello = said
he, 'the lion and the lamb lie down together, do
they p %, yes said editor No. l., 'Jones, here,
did the lyN' and did the idmin,' and of course
we came down together
'lf you Marry said Roman consul to his
son, 'let it be to a woman who has judgement
and industry enough to cook meal Of vctuals
for you; taste enough to dress neatly; pride
enough TO wash before breakfast, and sense
enough to hold her tongue
Mother, | shouldn't be surprised if Susan gets
choked some day
'Why, my sonp
because John Whipsy twisted his arm around
her neck the other night, and if she had not
kissed to let him go, he would have stranged her.
A couple of chaps met one day in the post
office One of them complained of bad smell
about the place, and inquired of the other what
he thought it proceeded from. Chap No. .,
who happened to be q wag, answered that he did
not know, unless it proceeded from the dead
letters that were kept there
A matron, lately being asked why she did not
learn the French language, replied that one
tongue was sufficient for a woman.
Marriage said au unfortunate husband, lis
the churchyard of love- And you men,' re.
piled the not less happy wife, 'are the grave
dIggers.'
NEW ENGLAND SALUrATIoNs.--"Go morn
ing, neighbOr A; how do you do to day?
'well, I'm much as one thank you how is
it with youg
why I'm pretty much the old sort, tween
three and one;' how is your woman this morn
ing?'
There ore two hundred and eleven marriage
able girls in La Crosse, Wis.,, and but 100 young
benus to mate them. OF these AZ don't care for
tho girls, 81 the girls don't care for, 10 are 80
busy making money that they can't stop to
marry, aud the balance are engaged.
Well, she's pretty much why for her, con.
sderin : how's yourn 2
She's to be crawling, thank you. Good
morning
Two men out west undertook to see who could
run the fastest. One was a sheriff. and the
other was thief.
An IRlsHmAN IN Contributing session oil
the Circuit Court at Lynchburg Va, an Irish
man was indicted for stabbing another on the