The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1861-03-02
ARTEMUS WARD ON THE CRISIS.

60 e. Y You would have TO az etrfed in Baldins-
vat please the evil; fatter some to gIaasasa
to pride: indulge the sellish ION Sne my
Feared bed G of upturned faces in the
Red Skool House. Ispoke neerly as follers:
Baldinsvillins Hearto4, as hav numer-
ously obsarved, hav abstained fl ON havin
any sentimunts or principles, my pollertics,
like my religion, bein of exceedin accom-
modatin character. But the fack can't be
longer disgised that Krysis is onto US,
& feel it's my duty to except your invite
inflammertory individooals who assisted in
will do, but amt shamed to state that !
don't scarcely. But the Krysis is hear.
She's been hear for several weeks, & good
ness nose how long she'll stay. But ven
ter to assert that she's rippin things. She's
any of my Twin wild Beasts. Allow me to
hear dygress & staff that my Beests at pres
ent is as harmless as the newborn Babe.
Ladys & gentleman needn't hav no fears on
that pint. To rssoom-Altho' can't ex-
ackly see what good this Krysis can do, ]
can very quick say what the original cawz
of her is. The original cawz is Our Afri-
kan Brother. was into Barnim's Mooze-
UNI down in New York the other day & saw
that exsentric Ethiopian, The What Is It.
Sez I, "Mister What Is It, you folks are
raisin thunder with this CRATE country.
You're gettin to be ruther more numeris
than interestin. It is a pity you coodent
go orr sumwheres by yourselves, d be a
nashun of What Is Its, tho if you excoos
me, shooden't care about marrying among
you. No dowt you're exceedin charmin to
hum, but your stile of luvliness isn't adopt
ed to this cold climit. He larfed into my
fee, which rather Riied me, as had bin
perfeckly virtoous and respectable in my
observashuns. So SEE I, turnin leetle red
in the face spect, ''Do you have the on
blushin impoodents to say you folks haven't
raised big mess of thunder in this brite
land, Mister What Is It?" He larfed agin,
wusser nor BED, whareupon up and seq,
$50 home Sir, to Afriky's burnin shores &
talk all the other What Is Its along with
you. Don't think we can't spair your in
terestin picters. You What Is Its air on
the pint of smashin up the greatest Cow
ment ever erected by man, & you ectooally
hav the owdassity to larf aboutit. Go home,
you low cuss!"
was workt up to high pitch d. pro-
ceeded to a Restorator & cooled orr with
some little fishes billed in ile-I b'leeye
they call 'em sardeens.
Teller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our
Brother. Sevral lilly resrectyble gentle
men 4 some talentid females tells us so, d
fur arguments sake 1 mite be injooced to
grant it tho don't b'leeve it myself. But
the Afrikan isn't our sister 4 our wife 4
our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brothers
4 all our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't
our grandfather, and our CRATE grandfather
and our Aunt in the country. Scarcely, d
yit numeris persons would have us think 3d..
It's troo he runs Congress d several other
public groserys, but then he amt every
body 4 every body else likewise. Notiss
to bizness men of VANIrY FAM :-Extry
charge for this Iarst remark. It's COAX
A. W.
But we've got the Afrikan. or ruther he's
got us, & now what air we going to do
about it? He's orfnl noosance. Praps
he isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was Gre
atid for sum wise purpuss, like the measles
and New England Rum, but it's nifty hard
to see it. At any rate he's no good here,
& stated to Mister What Is It. it's pity
he coodsn't go Off sumWhares quietly by