Cincinnati daily press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1860-1862, 1861-09-06
Our Fat Contributor in the Home Guards


The moment the flag was threatened,
large bodies Of men were called upon to
rally to its defense. Being a large-bodied
man, rallied, and enrolled myself with the
Home Guards. The drill is very severe on
me- this hot weather, although | am con-
stantly allowed an attendant with O fan
and pitcher of ice water
am constantly reminded that one of the
first requirements of a soldier is to throw
out his chest and draw in his stomach.
Having been burnt out several times, while
occupying rooms in an attic have had
considerable practice in throwing out my
chest, but by what system of practice could
ever hope to draw in my stomach l
can't 'dress up'-it's no use of trying. If
my vest buttons are in line l am far in
the rear, and if l toe the mark, fearful
bulge indicates my position. There is no
room for argument in regard to my senti-
ments-everybody can see at a glance just
where stand.) One evening we had new
drill-sergeant who was near-sighted. Run
ming his eye along the line, he exclaimed
sharply;
"What is that man doing in the ranks
with bass drum ?"
He pointed at me, but hadn't any drum
it was the surplus stomach that could not
draw in.
l am the butt of numberless jokes, as you
may well suppose. They have got story
in the Guards that, when first heard the
command, order arms, l dropped my mus
ket, and, taking out my notebook, began
drawing an order on the Governor for what
arms needed. They say ordered a Wi
mans steam-gun, with a pair of Dahlgren
howitzers for side arms Base fabricators
NY ambition never extended beyoud riAed
cannon, and they knew it.
Although, in respect to size, l belong tC
the "heavies," my preference is for the
light infantry service. My knapsack is
marked "light infantryp
One evening the spectators seemed con.
vulsed about something and my comrades
Uttered by platoons whenever my back was
turned. 1t was mystery to me until
lain off my knapsack.
Some wretch had erased the two final let
ters and 1 had been parading all evening,
labelled, "LIGHT IYFANTW .....
The above is one of the thousand annoy
ances to which / am subjected and nothing
but my consuming patriotism could ever in
duce me to submit to it. l rallied at the
call of my country, and am not to be put
out by the rallying Of my comrades.
l overheard spectator inquire of the
drill-sergeant one day:
"No," he returned, in an awful whisper;
"I drill him By squads /"
could have drilled him if had had
bayonet.
Specifications have been published in re-
gard to my uniform, and contractors adver-
tised for. The making will be let out to
the lowest responsible bidder. In case the
Guards are ordered to take the field,
special commissary will be detailed to draw
my ratiOns.
That reminds me of narrowing incident.
On last drill night, an old farmer, who
dropped in to see us drill took me aside
and said he wanted to sell me yoke of
powerful oxen.
"My ancient agriculturist," said I, smil-
ing at his simplicity, 81 have no use for
oxen.n
"Perhaps not at present" quoth he "but
if you go to war you will want them"
"For What2" said l, considerably an
noyed.'
" Want EN- 10 draV your rationsP
The Guards paid me delicate compli-
ment at the last meeting. They elected me
the "Child of the Regiment" with the rank
of the first Compliant. l was about to re-
turn thanks in neat and appropriate
speech, when reporter who was present.
assured me that it was no use-he had got
the whole thing in type speech and all, and
| could read it in an evening paper. He
said they kept a "neat and appropriate
speech" standing in type continually. l
got his views and held my peace.
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the Stripes,
FAT CONTRIBUTOR.
-ClcvelGnd PldildeaLer,