The Cadiz Democratic sentinel. [volume] (Cadiz, Ohio) 1854-1864, 1861-01-09
cADA OHIO, WEDNESDAY, JANUA AIRY 9, 1861
From Vanity Fair.l -.....
AFtemus Ward On hts visit 10 Abe
Nfuc0In.

From Vanity Fairl .......
Artemus Ward On hts visit 10 Abe
Lincoln.
| hiv no politics. Nary one. I'm not in
the business II Twas spose should holler
versiffrusly in the streets at mite aud 60 home
to Betsy Jane smelIin Of coal lie, and gia in
the morning. should go to the Poles arly.
should stay there all day. should see to it
that my nAbers was thar. should git car
riages to take the kripples, the infirm, and the
indignant thar. Ishouid be on the lookout for
the infamous lise Of the enemy, got up jes be4
elecshun for perlitical effsck. When all was
over, and my candydate w elected, J should
move hevihg & artb--so to speak until got
ortfce, which IL didn't get oriice should
turn round & aboEe the Administration with
all my mite and maine. But I'm not in bis
Mss. I'm in far more respectable bisniss nor
whot pollertics is. wouldn't give t~o cents
to be Compressor. The wuss insult I ever
receive was when sertin citizens Of Baldins-
vile axed me to run for the legislator. Sex |,
any trends, dostest think I'd s,oop 10 that
thereH' They turnei as white as q sheet
spoke in my most orfuIlest tones,& they know
ID wasn't to be trihed with. They slunked
out OF site 10 onct.
I here4, hevin no politics, made bold to WIS.,
It Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield. |
found the old feller in his rarler, surrounded
by per teck swsrm oil erfce seekers, Knewin
he had been capting ofa fiat boat on the roarin
Mississippy thought I'd address him in sailor
lingo, so sez l. ''0ld Abe. ahoy! Let out yer
main suls reef hum the forecastle & throw yer
| jibpoop overheard! Shiver my timbers, my
harty!" IN B. THIS Is ginuine mariner lang
widge. know, becawz I've seen sailor plays
acted by them New York theater fellers. l.
Old Abe lookt up quite c,oss & sez, "send in
yer petition by q, ty. can't possibly look at
it now. Indeed, l can't. It's onpossble, STRIP
"Mr. Linkn, who do you spect all p sed
| I. -. + ... .-.l..: d. t..er t.a Hg
! "a orfice seeker to be sure?" scd be. a
"Wall, sir" sed !, "yous never more mis-.
taken in your life. You hain't gut or6ce I'd
take under no circumstances. I'm A. Ward
Wax iggers is my perfeshun. I'm the father
OF twins, and they look like me- both Of them.
! cum to pay friendly visit to the President
eleck Of the United States. If so be you wants
to see me, say so--if not, say SO, & Pm or
like jug handle..' ~ s.-
/
"Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you,
sir" ... .s-r.-. r....
"Repose in Abraham's Ruzzum!" sed one o
the fee seekers, his idee ben to get orr goak
at my expence. .
"N ALL" sez I, "ef all you fellers rcpose in
that there Buzzum there'll be nifty poor nussin
for some o. youi" whereupon Old Abe buttoned
his westkit clear up and blusht like . madng
OF sweet 16 Jest at this pint of the conver-
sation another swarm of orifce seekers arove u
cum pilin into the parier. Sum wanted post
orifces, sum wanted furrin missions, and all
wanted sumthin. thought Old Abe would 60
crazy. He hadn't more than time to shake
hands with 'em before another tremenjus crowd
cum porein onto his premises. His house and
dooryard was now perfectly overhowed with
orifce seekers, all camerus for immejit inter.
view with Old Abe. One man frum Ohio who
had about seven inches Of corn whiskey into
him, mistook me for Old Abe and addresst me
as eth, Prahayrie Flower Of the West!"--
Thinks | you want offs putty bad. Another
man with gold headed cane and red nose told
Old Abe he was ''seckind Washington & the
Pride of the Boundiss West!" . nal. ,...
Sez, Square. you wouldn't take q small
post offs II you could git it, would you!"
sez he, "a patrit is abuv them things, sirl'
"There'sa putty big crop o patrits this sea
son, amt there SquareF' sez I, when anothe,
crowd Of offs seekers pored in The house.
door yard, barn and woodshed was now all full
and when another crowd cum told 'em not tt
20 away for want Of room as the hog pen was
still. empty. One patrit from small town il
Mishygan went up on top the Louise, got into
chimney and slid down into the parler where
Old Abe was endeyerih to keep the hungry pacl
Of offiis- seekers from chawin him up alive with
out benefit Of clergy. The mint he reached thu
fire place he jumpt up, brusht the SCOT out o
his eyes, and yelled: Don't make eny pint
ment at the Spunkville post office till you'v'
read my papers. All the respectful men in ou
town is signe,s to that there dockyment!,'
GOOD God!' cried Old Abe "they cum up
on me from the skizo--down the chimneys ant
} from the bowels of the yearth!" He hadn'
more'n got them words out Of his delikt moutl
before two fat offs seekers from Wisconsin, il
, endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the pur
puss Of applyin for tollgateship at Milwawky
upset the President -eleck and be would he
, gone sprawin into the fire place il l hadn'
: caught him in these aims. But hadn't more'l
} stood him up strate. for another man cum crash
; iu down the chimney, his heod strikn me vi
lently agin the inards and prostratin my volup
: toous form onto the floor. "Mr. Linkin,
. shoutid the infatooated being "my papers i
{ signed by every clergyman in our town, ant
!, likewise the skoolmaster." te s,# aa
Sea |, "you egrejis ass,' gitten up s. brushii
0 the dust from my eyes, "pl sign your paper
with this bunck Of bones, II you don't be q lit
$ tie more keerful how you make my bread
. basket depot in the futur. How do you lik
e that air periumery9" seq, ], shuvipg my fs
0 under his nose "1hem's the kind O; paper
0 III give you! Them's the papeis you want?
t "But workt hard for the ticket; toile
: night and day! The parit should be reward
ed" +.
"virtoo," sed 7, holding the inhtooated ma
|, -. i--.-.---