Daily national Democrat., 1861-07-27
Doesticks' Best--- He Eats opium--HoV

/ The bissful effects began to come along in
the course of half an hour First was rich F;
| had twenty thousand dollars in bank had a
/ good many valuable houses 10 the city
owned half the New York Central Railroad
and had so much prairie land in Michigan,
Wisconsin and Minnesota, that coulGn't run
! from one end of it to the other In two days
on a lightning express train. Then hnd n
wife, in fact, two wiyes-and in twenty min
utes had twenty wives-au beautiful, ac-
complished and aifectonate Tnen ] was a
hero; had Just returned from war, after kill
ing eighteen thousand men, and was receiv-
ing due houors. Then the Sunday Mercury
had raised my salary to three hundred dollars
a week, and first sent in their check for four
weeks back salary. Then had more wives
thirty e-handsomer than the first ones,
and richer; Then wasa patriot; | had just
returned from Washington, after assassina-
ting James Buchanan and was receiving the
I plaudts of grateful nation therefor. Then
somebody had died and left me property, and
| was a charitable bcnefactor, and was re-
lieving the wants Of all the poor folks in the
city, giving every man three barrel of pork,
niue bags of flour, thirty-siX bushels of pota-
toes, and red cart and gray jackass to drag
them home for him.
Then the Sunday Mercury had raised my
salary to thousand dollars a week, and was
paying me three months salary in advance
Then | was q hero again-ofanother variety
this time; | had iust saved a thousand lives
or so, and the city was in delight about me
! Then had more wives-lovelier than before
and richer-oach one with her pocket fill Of
seed pearls, and three pecks of diamonds
stitched into her petcoats. Then | was king
and was bossing everything and everybody
to my hearts content, and theirs. Then all
my wives had large families that had seen
before-all boys and all soldiers, and all gen
erals; then they We're all editors; then all
merchants and all clergymen, and all Beech.
ers; but, whatever, they were, | WAS the
father of them all, and they numbered hum
dred, then a thousand, then ten thousand
The Sunday Mercury had raised my salary
it was now tw enty-Gye thousand dollars a
week-statonary found and gas bills paid
for me-and the proprietors had just sent me
round two years pay in advance, in gold, and
sixty drayren were du;nping it into the coal
hole by the cart load.
Then | began to be more eXt.ayagnnt, and
undergo various metamorphoscs First was
freezer Of vanitia ice cream, then ] was
a gold fish, then ! was a new baby, with
/ husband interested and enthusiastic relation;
| then | was n Chri-tmas then was bal
| loon bound straight for the moon, and with
! gas enough to carry me there, and with let
| ters of introduction TO the man of chat inter
! est!ng planet; then | was a sixteen pound
| trout, aud Barnum had bought me for Il thou
sand dollars then was acIippcr ship, the
! pride of the country; then | was a Pages
/ Venus; then ! was canary bird, with five
| extra notes to my palate; then | became Il
| flying ship; then ! became a shark aud swol
/ Il, a.. & tI.. I
changed into sailor and secured the shark
was minute before; then became a boats
win and tlogged the sailor who had srcared
me as a shark then was suug- shot, and
caved in the head of the boatswain, who
had logged me when | was a sailor; then
wU3 policeman who melted Gown the sluug-
shot then | was Police Commissioner and
broke the policeman then became the peo-
| pie audelected new Commissioner; then
as people | got myseltinto al election riot;
then changed into the military, and arlil,
| leryedmyself a5 the people, and bayonetcd
myself as the people and charged on myself
and dispersed myself; and then | was sud-
| denly mctamorphoscd into huge buckwheat
/ cake, and was delectabiy Drowned oi the
/ griddlc and daindiy fabricated with the
sweetest and purcst butter; then was float
! ed in the clcarest and most trlnsp1rcuNy
! beautiful molasses--W which is the Eighett and
best fate Of buckwhcat then had changed
az lin, and the Mercury had put my salary to
/ five thousand dollars per week Of four days
and had Just sent in a blank check for me TO
/ I'LL out for any number of years in advance;
my twenty thousand sons had grown up 10
! bc the best and and noOlest Of men. and held
| the leading positions everywhere in-the coun-
/ try; then | was to be Mayor of the city. and
! buI II pAf h4pu f,ra a 1rbV,l .f i pnl
] citizens, who had resolved that should te
/ Governor of the State; and | was rescued
| from this last throng 10y another crowd, who
| had all voted for me for President of the
| United States; and had Just given my con
sent to fill that responsible post to the best
Of my ability, when | was forcibly seized 10y
an army of our first families and our best So
ciety and compelled to nccede to their com
mand to act as Dictator of all North Ameri.
ca but before had a chance to fairly say
"Y es' to this proposition, found myself de-
clared Conquerer Of the world, and was be-
ing invested with royal robes and things
From this time things began to go hy con-
trNries | wasn't SO rich as had been;
wasn't rich at ALL in fact, ] wasa begrar;
hadn't twenty thousand sons; only one. and
he was in the peu.tentiary for stealing
| spawned gray mare and buckskin bride !
wasn't a Governor; | wasn't anybody;
hadn't killed anybody: | didn't have any
maple molasses on me, nor any butter, nor
anything; | wasn't a buckwheat cake at all,
but | was a screw steamer with seven hund-
red passengers, all CT them sea- sick at once.
then was pig with my throat cut then
was the "What Is IT," then was myself,
with my salary stopped and my work dou-
bed; then | was slice of bread but pre-.
served all the feelings of a man willie | was
toasted very hrown on both sides; then
was an eel, and was first speared, and then
skinned alive, then stewed and then eaten.
| Then ! was turkey and was roasted
then was an oyster and was sated, pep
| pered and vinegared Worcestershire saued,
and devoured alive on the half-shell.
Then | was myself and was asleep, and
| had six anvis on my breast and two fellows
! forging lumber wagon tires on each anvil
and then the anyils changed to billiard tables,
and Berger and Phelan were playing match
game on them; then there a threc~story
house on my chest, tenement house at that,
and row in every room then my head was
a carpenters shop, ~ith a tnrning lathe in
one corner, and for the last three hours ofmy
laudanum sleep for fell asleep after two
hours of Bliss | thought my skull was a
steam boiler for q side wheel steamboat, and
that thirty-four men, half inside and half out
were engaged in setting the last rives. 70
accomplish this feat, | imagined that they
brilled holes through the bones with a cold
chlsel, heating the rivets red hot, aud cnched
them on both sides with seventeen pound
sledge hammers
For the last half hour, suppose it was
but it really spemed III, n 81, ,,,o,-, l,o,,-L,