The Van Buren press., 1861-01-04
Agents for the Press.
TAALnoUAu, CHanoKsE Earlos,f j
December = 1860 {


| December 3 1860
MEsshs Bangs & Co Lottery Propr;etors---
GENTLEMES Being assent oh The arrival
OF your very polite aai fasering letter, my
delay IN responding to it Immediately, was
unavoidab!e.
Twas somewhat astonished on perns in @
your very generous proposal, the very ne
ptds ultra OF benevoenee, when it il con-
sidered that | am stranger Itwas calcu
lated to increase confidence in poor human
nature. Having been brought up in the
selfish school OF philosophy which
denies the existence of disintegested benev-
oience In the human mind and an expert
cnce of fitty-four years, and some odd
months, weeks and days, having. in some
degree cHroboratei that conclusion hail
ed with enthusiastic delight. practical ref
utation OF proposition, which however
consonant it may be with the operations
OF an artificial social system. but lily ac-
cords with the first unalloyed gnshings OF
untrameled nature.
You generously proposed to send mc,
upon the reception of the in>ignfi ant sum
lot t'centy dollars a full package Of lottery
tickets. and in short tine Afterwards the
hadsomc amount OF not less than FOUR
THOUSAND DOLLARS in cash. or it's equiva-
lent; or. should the package fail. IAN de,
scarcely to be entertained to draw a prize
You heapea. Ito make classical allusion oi
which the subject is well worthy. 'O-sa
on Peiion"-generosiiy Oh benevniauce,
bv Offering 10 send me cnotber lull "a Sags
tcithout cost.
Yonr letter displayed another feature
which carried with Il sn almost irrr,isti .le
charm II was that of making conGaen
tial friend of nv humble self
"Csn it be possible" said |. soiloquiz
ing. that the redoubtable firm of Bangs &
Co.. have male minute inquiries shout me
and from the history they received, formed
high eseimate of my private worth 4? Clio
/ rlous . IT must be SO /; and their noble
generous natures, have discovered and ap
p!erla,et that wnicii cv.rr- .rsaz
nifty had failei to perceive. Huzza, fo
Bangs & Co, and suiting the action to the
word, banged my table. II not to the in
| jury, at least with some determined TO my
| knuckles.
Give few more bangs, my dcs fellow, -
said voice at my back. d" and you viii bt
under the necessity Of employing an aman.
nensis to answer the pseudo benev olent le.-
ter of the Bangs & CO..
Looking around, saw a keen -eye'
! friend of mine. with long sharp nose
which came nearly in cottact with CHR
5f the same class, species and genus, with
sar'ionic smile. slightly curling his thin
upper lip. and causing its companion to at
tempt a similar narrative, who had quietly
read your delightful confidential letter ove,
my unconscious shoulder
"Zounds '' i exclaimed what dc
you mean by pseado-Jenerolent ? DOM
you perceive that Bangs 4 CO.
=" Are unprincipled swindlers un,nitisa.
ted scoundrels -
Thunder and lightning. SIR" rapliet
in rage. and springing to my feet with tn,
activity of boy, (ior let me tell you. my
dear Bangs, au assault on a friend, exci:oi
me as if it were made on my self; ar yo,
aware" l continued. - Of what you ar
saying? Have you read. the noble, gensr
ous. yea, munificent proposal Do yor
not perceive that am to be made the recip
lent of four thousand dollars? sum ia
above that derived from years of toll ar,
pain Read it. sir, read it and then ac
knowledge the gross Injustice OF your words
or leave my premises ~ Nereupon I vic
lently thrust your kind epistlc into his bo
som. doubled my mallets, and placed my
self in attitude No. and though my edu
cation in - the noble art Of self defense,
has been defcctive. let me assure you
my munificent Bangs, ! felt jus
then. on hearing my generous friend abn
sed. in my presence, and also in ry hous
capable Of making few pugilistic demon
tstrations, "f which neither the cis nor trans
atlantic professors-i.eenan AMI Saycrs--
wouli be ashamed.
q Keep cool or as an Irishman wou'
say. be a;sp, uont yee" he replied c .,,..l
thrusting his hands ia his sat -
from one Of wh.c h ho drew ic, -
:. Read that" sa::a he. g" ~al Won viii lea.
three thipS'.; first, lat there is no nsce-s
y OF my pefnsire Bangs l. Cos pangin
.ettcrto you .ny Yankee Doodle AMI So
only that Bangs utters whangs, an
thirdly, that you are a noodle
Ny right ma.ict was drawn back. Will
: my lett was elevated horizontally. az ter
l der. but, instead Of blow, it received 4.
letter, and seizing it. hastily ran ny ey,
over that portion containing your .oug thol
? sand dollar donation.
"Now. sir. what have you to say 2" b
coolly askei.
Well, THAT isl think-ahem
. You abused my friend Bangs. the first ma
. that ever apprec ciated me out, really !"
read on 10 the end. And Just then. n,
noble Bangs. the knuck.es with which
had Enthusiastically banged the table rcgair
ell sensibili:y. and l cast my eyes upo
them.
Doubtless there is some mistake, sir
+ some careless person has Inadvertently d
rectcd this letter to YOU" l resumed "fe
perceive that it is, in words, preci.
counterpart of that with which sIessr
Bangs L. Co. have honored me. as well q
q fac simIs. And you must recollect tn.
1 am az old physician. and write for Il