davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
The Whangdoodle Sermon.

The following Whangdoodle Ser
mon, which went the rounds some
years since, we consider worth repub-
fishing. 1t was delivered by hard
shell Baptist, somewhere in Iowa:
And they shall gnaw file, and
flee unto the mountains of Hepzidam,
where the lion roareth and the whang-
doodle mourneth for its frst-born"
Now, my breethring. as | have be-
fore told you, / am an unedecated
man, and know nothing about gram
mer, and college hifalootin'; but Pm
plain unlearnt preacher of the Cos
pei what's been fore ordained, and
called to expound the Scriptures to a
dyin' world. and prepare pervelse
generation for the day of wrath for
they shall gnaw file, and flee unto
the mountains of Hepzidam, where the
lion roareth and the whangdoodle
mourneth for its frst-born
My beloved breethering, the text
says they shall gnaw fle." 1t
don't say they may, but they shall.
And now there's more than one kind
of file. There's the handsaw file,
the rat-tail file, single file, double file
and profile but the kind of file spo-
ken of here isn't one one of them kind
neither, because its a fgger of speech,
my breethring, and means goin' it
alone and gettin ukered for they
shall gnaw file, and flee unto the
mountains of Hepzidam, where the
lion roareth, and the whangdoodle
mournelh for its first-born.
And now there be some here, with
close on their hacks, brass rings on
their fingers, and lard on their har,
what goes it while they're young ; and
there be brothers here, what, as long
as their constitutions and forty cent
whiskey last, goes it blind ; and there
be sisters here what, hen they get
about sixteen years old, cut their til
Ter ropes and goes it with rush (; but
I say my dear breethring, take care
you don't find Gabril plays his last
trump, that you've all went it alone
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

and got nkered for they shall gnaw
file. and fee unto the mountains OF
Hepzidam, whar the lion roareth, and
the whangdoodle mourneth for her
first born"
And my breethring, there's more
dams ,esides Hepzidam. Thar's Rot.
, terdam, Haddam, Amsterdam, mill
dam, dont't-care- a-dam--the last OF
which my dear breethering, is the
worst of ALL and reminds me of cir
cumstance [ oncet knew in the state
of Illenoy. There was a man what
bnilt him mill on the east fork Of
Augur creeB, and it was a good mill
and ground sight of grain, but the
man what built it was miserable
sinner, and never give anything to the
church, and my breetherinS one night
there came Dire adful storm of wind
and rain, and the fountains of the
great deep were broken up, and the
waters rushed down and swept that
mans mill-dam into kingdom come,
and 10 and behold ! in the morning
when he got up he was not worth q
dam. Now, nv young breethering,
when storms or temptations overtake
ye, take care We don't fall from grace,
an6 become like that mans mill-not
worth dam; for they shall gnaw a
file, and fee unto the mountains of
Hepzidam, whar the lion roareth, and
the whangdoodle mourneth for its
first born"
Whar the lion roareth, aid the
whangdoodle mourneth for its first
born. " This part of the text, my
breethering, is an9ther fgger of speech
and isn't to be taken as it says. It
doesn't mean the bowling wilderness,
where John was fed on locusts and
wild asses, but it means my breether-
ing, the city of New Yoricans, the
mother of harlots and hard lots, whar
corn is worth six bits bushel one day
and nary red the next-whar niggers
are as thick as tiack bugs in spoiled
bacon ham, and gamblers, thieves and
pick pockets go skitting about the
streets like weasels in a ba~n-yard-
whar they have cream colored horses,
gilded carriages, marble saloons, with
brandy and sugar in 'em-whar hon
est women are scarcer thai hens
teeth, and strange woman oncet TUX
in your beloved preacher and BAN
boozled him out of two hundred and
twenty seven dollars in the winklin' of
a sleeps tail but she can't do it
again. Hallelujah for "they shall
gnaw file, and flee unto the noun
tains of Hepzidam, where the lion
roareth, and the whangdoodle mourn
eth for its frst-born"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
VOLUME 3. NUMBER 1876
What he would Do

The man that will take newspa-
per for a length of time, and send it
back refused" and unpaid for, would
swallow blind dogs dinner, and then
stone the dog for being blind. -Er-
change.
He would do worse than that. He
would marry girl on trial, and send
her back to her father at the end OF
the Honeymoon, with the wor Is ndon't
suit" chalked on her back.-Iron
City
He would do worse than that. He
would steal the chalk to write it with,
and afterwards he would use it on his
shirt to save the expense Of washing,
and then sue his wife's father for her
months boarding -Aduertiser.
Worse yet. He'd chase sick rat
ten miles over corduroy road, and
institute post mortnm examination
after he had caught him, in order to
recover stolen grain OF corn.-Mor-
gantoaOn Star.
We endorse every word of the
above. He would also steal rotten
acorns from blind pig, and steal all
the winter meat Of an editor Som
erset Herald.
Sometime ago we had an individu-
al of the above stripe, il the oil re-
zion, on the Slipperryrock, in this
county. He went by the name of
a J bird. and flew off with $3.50 of
our funds. A writ was issued to the
Printers Devil for his arrest, wEo
made return as follows: In swampus
Let non com-at "a -bus-sic goncordo-
Observation-Disclosures vita erat catch
um-introrsum turpem, speciosum pei
lie decord-gone off Laurence .Jr'l.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
Dreaming in Life.

Dreaming that you have wings, and
waking with fit of the govt.
Endeavoring to make violent love
under the table, and pressing the
wrong foot.
Hearing the bells ring for the mar
rage Of your rival.
Toasting cheese, and when it is
more than half done, let it fall into
the ashes.
Forced by politeness to leave a
comfortable party for the purpose of
accompanying a cross old maid to her
lodgings two miles di' tant.
Dreaming that you have Suddenly
acquired large fortune stretching
out your hand to grasp large booty,
awakening, and finding nothing in
your fist but the bed post.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
You are a Brick.

A certain College professor had as
sembled his class at the commence
ment of the term, and was reading
over the list of names to see that all
were present. 1t CHANGED that one
of the number was unknown to the
professor, having just entered the class.
What is your name, sir p asked
the professor, looking through his
spectacles.
lyon are a brick" was the start
ling answer.
Sir" said the professor, half star
tied out of his seat at the supposed
impertinence, but not quite sure he
had understood him correctly. Sir,
did not exactly understand your an
swer"
"You are brick" was again the
composed reply.
"This is intolerable,' said the pro-
fessor, his face reddening Beware
how yon attempt to insult me. /"
Insult you," said the student, in
turn astonished. How have l done
it ?"
Did you not say / was brick ~
rel urned the professor with stihed in
dignation.
mo sir you asked me my name,
and | answered your question, o. r.
A. Brick-Uriah Reynolds Anderson
Brick
"Ah, indeed" murmured the pro-
fessor, sinking back into his seat in
confusion. !" 1t was misconception
on my part. Will you commence the
lesson, .-ahem ! Mr.. Brick ~
The following cure for govt is ta-
ken from an old work:
lst, the person must pick q hand
kerchief from the pocket of maid Of
fifty years, who has never had a wish
to change her condition I'd, he must
dry it on a parsons hedge who was
never covetous; Sd, he must send it
to doctors shop who never killed
patient 4th. he must mark it with q
lawyers ink who never cheated a eli
emit /; 9th. apply to the part affected,
and q cure will speedily follow.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
Stammering.

Stephen c. was jovial soul,
and hesitated not to play trick on
any one.
Among his acquaintance he num-
bered a young lady and young man,
both of whom stammered very badly.
These were not acquainted with each
other.
Bob F., the young man alluded
to, was quite sensitive, and to think
that any one was making fun Of his
defect frequently few in passion
1t was Stephens fortune to meet
them both at q party, and he soon
determined on joke.
Miss Sue," said he, approaching
his lady friend, "may | have the
pleasure of introducing one Of my ac-
qnaintances, worthy young gentle
man ?"
Ger certainly, sir"
Away he started for Bob F..
"Bob, old fellow, here is nice
girl want to introduce yon to come
on"
"Does she taw- taw-talk ~ asked
Bob.
Yes like blazes F"
So off they started, and soon APP
preached the seat of the young lady.
Stephen introduced them, and imme-
diately drew to one side, that he
might see how they would manage
each other. His ears were greeted
with the following conversation
How are you enjoy joy -joying
yourself th-th-th-this eco evening,
marin ?n
Th-th-thank you, pleasantly but
it is ra. rather warm
Bob's brow contracted, but he re-
strained his feelings and continued
"Pr-pr- pr presume You are acq-q-
q-q-uainted with m-m-most of those
pr-pr-pr- present z"
"Ye-ye-ye.ye-yes, sir, with all
be- be- believe" said she, at the same
time smiling. But that smile ruined
her forevei in Bob's estimation /; for
hastily rising, he exclaimed
"By Observation-Disclosures, madam, II
that's the w-w-w-way you make fun
CT a mans inff-6r- 6r-frmities, you
may go to gr-gr-gr- grass.
Stephen laughed immoderately all
the while, was sub rquently called to
account for tie trick, but his good
nature drove away all bad feelings.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
The Chinese New Year.

Last evening was the New Years
Eve of the Celestials, and to-day their
new year commenced. Throughout
yesterday afternoon, evening, and the
entire night, all Chinadom was jubi-
liant with strange noises of sputtering
fire. snappers, the everlasting resound-
ing rattle Of tun- tums, and the dis
tracing caterwauliDg Of their one
horse fddles Monaghan children
romped laughingly in the streets of
Chinatown, and grim old opium smok-
ers for the occasion lost their many
wrinkles. Pagan houses Of worship
were thronged by long-tailed idola-
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
Quit That.

OMIT what? Quit telling your in.
nocent, confding trembling children
about ghosts and hobgoblins. You
are throwing sorrow upon young
hearts that will cling there through
life. How many mothers there are
who quiet their children by saying
" the bug boos will come and take
you off," come, old niger, come and
well, will you hush this minnie Pr
The poor child believes all its own
mother says, and why shouldn't it !?
1t ought to believe That is its filial
duty. The sobbing, futtering heart
is quieted, but not composed. Those
fearful eyes close in rest of terror !;
weary, broken sleep follows the
child dreams-but, oh | who can tell
the sadness of a child while it dreams
in sleep frightened upon it by alarms
of all that is terrible and repulsive?
Such inhuman treatment endangers
the mind-the intellect. Mothers, be-
ware And see that the nurse, or
servant, or older brother, or sister,
carries no grief to the very heart of
your child. A sorrow early planted
and watered by tears will bring forth
a harvest of bitterness and despair.
How common a habit is this to
teach children to fear unseen, unreal
danger at nightfall. The peaceful
night, so full of sweetness, and the
night that brings the honeyed drops
Of dew, to bless the flowers and re-
fresh the leaves, the night that brings
rest to the weary, this dearest time Of
all is to be made terrible to children.
What wickedness Why it is bias
phemy to make the little ones believe
that God forgets them, and sends tor
mentors to trouble them il. the silent
watches Of the night. Rural Ameri-
can.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
g gatg Sketth,
IN A SCRAPE.

/ was once engaged to be married,
chow ] went so far is marvel to me
still, but an incident of so frightful
character took place as to put the
matter entirely out of the question.
was young Undergraduate. spend
ing the summer with a reading party
at the Irish watering place, when l met
with Lucy, and got, in short, to be
accepted She was residing with her
mother at the same hotel in Killarney,
and we all met every day.
We boated on the lake toge Their,
and fshed and sang and read. We
landed on the wooded islands in the
soft summer evenings to take our tea
in gypsy fashion and stretch but she
and l mostly whispered not about
love at all, as | remember, but of the
weather and the rubic only it seemed
SO sweet to sink our voices and speak
so low and soft.
Once in a party over the moors,
while [ was leading her pony over the
boggy ground, caught her hand by
mistake, and she did not snatch it
away. 1t was the Ley-day and prime
e1f my life, my friend, and that youth
of my spirit which no power can ever
more renew | knew what she felt,
anG what would please her as soon as
the feeling and the wish themselves
were born. Our thought--my thought
at least" leapt out to wed with
thought, ere thought could wed itself
with speech" She took a fancy to q
huge mastiff dog belonging to fish
erman, and | bought it for her, al
though it was terribly savage, and,
except f5r Lucy's liking it, neither
good nor beautiful It's name also,
the only one it would answer to, and
sometimes it would not to that, was
Towser; not name for lady's pet
at all, and scarcely for gentleman's.
There was little secluded field, he'd
~ged in by coppfce which sloped into
the lake, about mile from the hotel /;
:and there Lucy agreed for the first
time to meet me alone. / was to be
there, before breakfast, at 8 o'clock in
the morDipg, and you may be sure
was there at six with Tovser
Perhaps | was never happier than
at this psRtjcplar time. The aniVer-
sal nature seemed in harmony with
my blissful feelings.
The sun shone bright and clear, sc
that the fresh morning breeze could
scarcely cool the pleasant throbbings
of my blood, but the blue ripping
waves of the lake looked irrepressibly
tempting, and | could not resist q
swim.
Just plunge and out again, thought
I; for though | had such plenty o.
of time to spare | determined to be
aslressed and ready for the interview an
Inour at least before the appointed
time. Lucy might, like myself, be a
Bittle earlier and AT all events, with
such an awful consequence in possible
apprehension, / would not run thu
shadow of risk. Mind my clothes
misa them," said to Towser, (whc
took his seat thereon at once saga
ciously enough,) for | had heard o
such things as clothes being stolel
from unconscio clippers before then
with results not to be thought OF, ant
in / went. remember the delight 0
that bath even to this day, the glow,
the freshness, the luxurious softness o
each particular wave, just as the lasi
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

| tors, ana the WnOie city was fragrant
with incense offered to their wooden
god. " Chinchin for joss" was burn
ing in every room where dwells a
worshipper. Sacramento, Jackson,
and Dupon; streets were carpeted
with the red skins of millions of bus
! ticulated crackers, and besides the de-
lighted Mongols were hundreds Of
little white boys in decidedly half
tickled -to-death condition. The in
fernal racket sept contiguous dodgers
awake all night, and we have been
bothered all day by sufferers coming
into our Office and asking if we, or
the chief of police, can't stop the
nuisance. Our answer was simple
We are down, like a thousand of
bricks, on the race of Mongolians ;
SO vagely opposed to their coming
here. and, like leeches, sucking the
bright gold ,ur life blood) from our
state but they are poor miserable
devils anyhow, and we like to see even
dogs enjoy themselves at times"
This morning those streets where
this people most do dwell, looked as
though they had been on " bust" all
ntght-red; feverish, dissipated. Chi
nedom was nneasily sleeping. At
noon they were mp again, and swarm
ing like bees on the streets, making
calls The way it is done is this
All Hun walks geavely with his fan
on his arm to All lungs house All
Hung salates his friend by bowling
nine times to the ground, saying
"The rich gifts Of the good Joss be
showered upon thee and thine, O, All
Tung. Gifts that shall be as rare as
thy choice virtues they are known
throughout this barbarian land, no
less than the land of thy fathers,
whose good repute hath S, well been
upheld by the exemplary course of
their mob e son p To which All Eung
replies in this style:
Beloved friend of my bosom and
noblest son of my fathers loved com
panion of his youth. all hail ! Wei
come to this humble hall. whose doors
are always open to the good, the
wise, the true. Son of the Flowery
Kingdom I! thou whose tail exceedeth
in length the caudal appendage Of
that last star. which the accur sed bar
barians, in their brutal ignorance, call
"comet ;" thou whose wonderful Ia
lent in the sailing of sprats in this
ignorant country has called forth the
spontaneous wonder of the whole Ce-
lestial Empire whose form is sym
metry itself; whose performance with
the two pair of chopsticks in a bowl
of licey have never been surpassed,
and seldom equalled the son of
great father the father of a great
family the adored friend of many
thousands-come to my heart, and
there, encircled in the folds of thy
sweet-scented robes, rest forever |"
Then each man shakes his own
hand, and sits down, sups tea, eats
rice cakes, &c, smokes opium, chats
of China and old Celestial flames,
and, at the proper time, the visitor
takes his leave in set speet h.
A large number of Mongolians
were arrested by the police for firing
crackers off last night, bnt were dis
charged this morning, ont of consider
alton for their manners and customs
San Francisco Mirror, Feb 9.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

An editor thus logically nndges his
DELINQUENT subscribers -" We don't
won't money desperately bad, but our
creditors do, and no doubt they owe
you. you'll pay US, we'll pay them,
and they'll pay you"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

All, John, my uncle has been in
New York and yourn hain't.
Well, what of that-my uncle has
been in jail, and yourn hain't"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
yggistellang,
Poetical.

Poetical.
From Holbrook's u. S. Mail.
And other addresses copied from
letters passing through the mail
See, postmaster, here's a stamp,
Send it qui k. or you're scamp.
To Smith, of Boston. let it CO.
To be exact. he's christened Joe.
The man I wit youll surely find,
On Congress street, at 80.
The house is built of brick and stone,
And called by all the +" Sailors Home. !"
Over the hills and over the level,
Carry this letter like the devil
At Ellington, CT leave it,
Where Charlie Green will receive it.
To New Jersey now bid you CO.
To Clarksburgh, neither " fast or slow"
Find P. F. Baker, pedagogue there.
Who Furnishes pupils by pulling their hair.
John Short / tong to see,
But as that cannot be,
This letter must go
To place you well know,
To Bath in Maine,
Or I'll raise Cain
Mr.. Charles Nye,
If you were nigh,
/ shouldn't write
To you this night.
But this letter,
For want of better
To find you will go
To Columbus, Ohio.
Miss S. de Hawkswell.
from the County Cork.
No 1913 Rue de Lawrens st,
Wav back in the yard
Betwixt & Between Prince st
Houston ST.,
New York City.
@For james Cough for
JUL bergen for Hugh O'Nod
No 1903 in some street between
the second and 6 avenue if not
there the postmaster will
please take it to 203 same
street or to the next door to it.
To Sylvester Fuller
School custer
Post Office Gun
Cauldistar
Keneatcut
1t will be seen that two attempts
were here made at spelling Colchester,
in order, we presume, that the post
masters might take their choice be-
tween the two styles. What is m ant
is Colchester, Connecticut.
John Van Dyke,
Knocks Kounty.
Miss soory.
To Bridget Swine.
in the family
of Mrs lTogg,
Elmira, N. Y.
A BLIND ADDRESS A letter was
.eceiyed in a certain office, with the
following address upon it
Mr. Henry Ford,
who lives in
the same place
in the State
of Maine
The list of post Offices was fruitless
ly ransacked in search of the place re-
ferred, but at last an ingenious clerk
thus unravelled the enigma
Henry Ford.
Hen-Ford
Bidde-ford
to which place the letter was sent.
Endorsement on letter received at
the New York post Office:
{" Please forard these few lines to
Miss Mooney, not noing her crissen
name
"She has sister Hannah Mooney
living hear in Buffaloe"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

"Can it be that we, too, are to be added to
the list of republics, the inscription upon whose
ruins is, they were, but they are not g -
Judge Story.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

The human heart, like well, if ut
terly closed in from the outer world, is
sure to generate an atmosphere Of
death.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10


Can it be that our gceatne sour glory is gone,
That henseforth are doomed to decay
That the Star SpangIed Banner z no mo e
shall be sung
In this bright land of Freedom-its own chosen
home
By the hearts that once owned its prou d
sway
Can it be that this mighty Republic must fall,
From its zenith of glory be h Irled
That so young it must die-lnd that darkness
and gloom.
Must brood DER its ruins-envelope its tomb
When it once was the light of the world
Can it be there are hearts in this God-favored
land,
So treacherous, ungrateful and base,
As to say taat our flag shall no longer remain,
Unsullied. unfinished by disunion' S foul stain
Or hand that one star would erase
Can it be that our Union no longer shall stand,
The pride of g the brave and the free,
Bat dismsmbered, dissolved, dishonored and
dead,
In shame, must the tear Of the patriot be shed,
Oh, once glorious Union, for thee
Can it be that the hopes of our fathers, who
toed
To bequeath to their Oh ildren the boon,
Of an empire where freedo IN and justice should
reign
An empire unrigalled, and peerless in fame
Are these hopes doomed to pc IRISH so soon?
Oh Danish, kind Heaven, these shade VS., and
gloom,
And feelings fraternal restore
That our banner Of stars may still emblem the
might,
Of Union unbroken, untarnshed and bright,
All-gloriOus and free ever more
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
gpet's s0opk.
FOR THE PRESS
AN 1T E?

BY E. H COOLEY.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10

Perseverance,, Omnia vincet.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1861-04-10
Curious Love Letter

MADAM-Most worthy of estima-
ton! After long consideration, and
much meditation on the great reputa-
ton you possess in the nation, I have
strong inclination to become your
relation. On your appreciation of
this declaration, | 81 all make a prepa.
ration to m I'VE my situation to more
convenient station, to profess my adj
miratiton and if such oblation il
worthy of observation, and can obtain
commiseration, it will be an aggrava-
ton beyond all calculation of the Joy
and exultation of yours,
SANS DISSEMINATION.
------
THE ANSWER Sir Il perused
your grafton with much elaboration
and little CONSERVATION at the infat.
uatior of yon. Imagination, to show
so much generation on SO slight a
foundation. But after examination
and much serious contemplation. I
suppose your admiration was the fruit
of recreation, or had sprung from os-
tentation. to display your education
by an odd enumeration, or rather a
multiplication Of words of the same
termination, thou sh of great variation
in each respective Specification. Now,
without dispntation. yonr Iaborious
application in so tedious an oceupa-
ton deserves commemoratioa and
thinking imitation sufficient gratif-
cation, I am, without estimation,
v1r.-