The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1861-06-15

| defense of that Banner Not agin you as
individooals-not agin the South even
but to save the flag. We should indeed
be weak in the knees-unsound in the
heart-milk white in the liver-and soft
in the hed-if we stood quietly by and
saw this gloris Govyment smashed to pie
ces-either by turin or intestine foe
The gentle-hearted mother hates to take
her naughty child across her knee, but
she knows it is her dooty to do it. So We
shall hate to whip the nauty South, but
we must do it if you don't mako back
tracts at onct, and we shall wollip you out
| Of your bootsl j. Davis it is my decided
opinion that the Sunny South is maxim q
egrejus mutton head of herself!''
| $50 on, sir, you re safe enuff You are
too small powder for mel sed the Presi
ident of the Southern Confederacy.
| await till 60 home and start out the
| Baldiusvill Mounted Hoss Cavalry, I'm
lCaptig of the Corpse, and JEFF Davis be-
I wArel Jefferson Davis l now leave you -
Farewell my gay Saler Boy Good bye,
/ my boldstaeaneer Pirut of the deep blue
sea, adoo adoo!'
Nv tower threw the Southern Conthiev-
eracy on my way home was thrillin enuff
! for yeller covers. 1t will form the subjeck
of my next Betsy Jane and the progeny
air well. Yours respectively, A. WARD.
Artemus Wards Escape from the South.
| fccered consciously in meny thrilling
scenes in my toor from Alabamy to my
home, and on several occasions thought
the great komic paper" wouldn'. never
be enriched no more with my lubiicatiors.
AFTER bicldin adoo to Jefferson Davis, !
started for the railroad depot. The train
of cars in which ! was to trust my valible
life was the ricketyest lookin conssrns l
ever saw on wheels afore. What time
does this ere string of secondhand cotiins
leave?' ! inquired of the depot master
He said directly, and | went in and sot
down hadn't n,oren fairly squatted be-
fore a dark lookin man with sinister ex-
preston onto his continuance entered the
cars and lookin very sharp at'me, axed me
what was my principles?
"Seceshi = i answered. I'm Disso.u-
ter. I'm in favor OF J eff Davis, Beauresard,
Pickens, Bloc Beard, Mrs. Cunningham,
and everybod else.
you're in favor Of the war ??
"C>.rtingly b. all mean. I'm in favor
of this war and also of the next war. I've
been in favor of the next war for over six
teen years!
War to the knife !" sed the man.
; "Blud. Ergo, blud!' sed /, {tho them
words ism original with me; they was rit
by Mr. Shakspere, who is dead
We go, under way at last. an proceeded
! on cur iurncy at abont the speed usually
observed by we'll conducted funeral pro
, ceshions a harsum young gal, with red
/, nusketesr bar on the back Of her he'd. and
n sassy little back hat tipt over her iorrld,
, so, in the seat with me. She wore little
Saceshion flag pin d onto her hat aad She
. { Cor 10 600 ler Yrpo Inv ~ nO n nC
lined the Southern army, 81 bold and so
{ CAV. SO she told me. She was chilly, and
/ offered her my blanket.
, Father liviu axed her.
"Ees sir.
Got any uncles2
> "A heap. Uncle Thomas is deal, tho. "
Peace 10 Uncle ThomGss ashos, and
i success to him! III be your tucie Tho
mas Lean on me. my pretty Secesher, aud
= lincer in blissfui repoSe. She slept as Sc
: curely as in her own house, and didn dis
, terb the sollem stiffness OF the night with
airy snore-
, At the first station troop Of soliers en-
, ,ored the cars and inquired if Old Wax
Works was on board. That was the disrs
: spectiye s,ile in which they referred to me
. Recawz If old Wax Works is on board,
| saws a man with his face like a double
8 breasted lobster, weere going 10 hang
him"
| "My illustrius and patriotic Bummers,
1 sez !. a re,tin up aud takin OFF my hat, il
2 you allude to A. Ward Esq, its my pleas
, in duty to inform you that hes ded- He
saw the error of his ways at 10 mint. past
a . clock yesterday, and stabbed hissel
, with a stuffed sassg, dyin' in five bootifu
. tahleaus to slow moosici his lsstwurds was
/. NV perfeshional career is overl l show
+ no more!
| "And who DO youf'
r "Tm a stutieM in Senator Benjamin S
: law ofiiis; I'm going North for to get sun
a things for the Suthern army.
"That was satisfactory, and the trooper:
e went off, The little gal walked up an SEQ
$ she must git out there. / bid her adoo
a and Give her sumthin to eat Accept my
& thanks and this hunk of gingerbread Y
. cod She thankt me. There's considera
}. ble human natua ia man, and l m ateard
IN alters Civ aid an comfort to the emmy
i. ;f he Gums to me in the shape of nice
n young gal.
easy Iwas dragged out of the cars and
, rolled in the mud for several minits, to take
{ the conseet out of me, as secesher sed
r | was let up finally, when powerful bi:
o secesher came up and embraced me. and te
!. show that he had ne hard feelings agin me
n put his nose in my mouth. returned the
f compliment by placing my stummick sud
I denly agiu his righi foot, and he made
, sn,ttoon out of my face Actooated by g
{ desire to see whether the secesher had
been yaxinated, then fastened my teeth
y onto his coat sleeve and tore it to the shol
!, der We then vilently bunted our head.
;. toge,her for few minits, danced around 8
little. ard finally sot down in a mud pud
). die | riz asin to my feet, and by sud
9 den and adroit moovment placed my left
eve aqin the secesher' fist We then rush
: Oh into each others arms and fell under 9
3 two hoss wagon.
: was very much exhausted, an didn't
/, care about getting up agin, but the man sed
! he reckoned I'd better, and conclooded
would. Bepulled me up, but hedn't bir
q on my feet more two seconds before the
$ ground flew up and hit me on the head
j. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but
couldn't zackly see where the latin part
, com in. riz & we embraced agin. We
= careered madly to steep bank, when go1
the upper hand of my antagonist, and threw
him into the raveen He fell just forty
feet striking on grind stone. / learned
!. ba wa, injured l haven't heard from the
' grind stone.
: felt as tho apology was due me. The,
> had mistaken me for another man!
= told him not to mention it, twas all a trifle
7 axed him if his wife and children was sol
: to be about and got on board the train
which had stopped at that station 20 mini''
n Refreshments" ltwas a little the refresh
ingist time l ever saw.
,. was rid on rale the next day, a bunef
!, of blazin fire crackers being tide to m,
4 coat tales 1t was a fine spectacle in {
dramatic rint of view, but ldidn'tenjoy it
i. had other startlin adventers, but won