Columbia Democrat and Bloomsburg general advertiser. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1850-1866, 1861-10-05
Our Fat Contributor in the
Home Guard.

The moment our flag was threatened =,
large bodies of men were called upon to
rally in its defence. Being a large bodied
man, | rallied, and enrolled myself with
the Home Guards. The drill is very Sc.
we're on me this hot weather, although
am constantly allowed an attendant with
q fan and pitcher of ice water.
l am constantly reminded that one of
the first requirements of Soldier is to
throw out his chest and draw in his stom-
ach. Having been burned out several
times while occupying rooms in an attic,
have had considerable practice in throwing
o~t my chest, but by what system of prac.
tice could | ever hope to draw in my stom-
ach ? I can't {" dress .up"-its no use
trying. If my vest buttons are in line 1
am far in the rear, and if I toe tn mark
a fearful bulge indicates my position
(Ihere is no room for argument in regard
to my sentiments-everybody can see at
glance just wbcre 1 sta'sd) One evening
we had new drill sergeant who was near
sighted. Running his eye down the line,
he exclaimed sharply:
What is that man doing in the ranks
with bass drum"
He pointed at me, but I hadn't any
drum-it was the surplus stomach that l
couldn't draw in.
am the but of numbcrless jokes as you
may well suppose They have got a story
in the guards that when 1 first heard the
command "Order arms !" l dropped my
musket, and, taking up my note book, be-
gan to draw an order on the Governor for
what arms | wanted. They say I ordered
Winan's steam gun, with pair of Dahl.
gren howitzers for side arms Base fab
ricators My ambition never extended
beyond rihed cannon and they knew it.
Although in respect to size 1 belong to
the "heaviest," my preference is for the
light infantry. One evening the spectators
seemed convulsive about something, and
my comrades Uttered whenever my back
was turned. 1t was all mystery to me
until l had off my knapsack. Some wretch
had erased the final letters, and 1 had
been parading all the evening labeled
light infant !" The above is one of the
thousand annoyances to which am sub
ject, and nothing but my consuming pa
triotism could ever induce me 10 submit to
it. rallied at the call of my country,
and am not to be put out by the raAying
of my comrades.
l overheard spectator inquire of the
drill sergeant one day.
" Do you drill the whole of him at
once"
"No," he returned in an awful whisper,
" 1 drill him By sQuods."
l would have drilled him if l had a
bayonet.
Specifications have been published in re-
gard to my uniform, and contractors ad-
vertised for. The making will be let out
to the lowest responsible bidder. In case
the guards are ordered to take the field, a
special commissary will be detailed to
supply my rations. That reminds me of
a narrowing incident. On last drill! night
an old farmer, who dropped in to see us
drill, took me aside, and said he wanted to
sell me yoke of powerful oxen.
"My ancient agriculturist," said |, smil-
ing at his simplicity, " I have no use for
oxen"
" Perhaps not at present." quoth he,
" but if you 60 to war you will want
them
+" For what? said 1, considerably an
noyed,
" Want 'em to dra,o youv rationS" i"
The Guards paid me delicate compli-
mcnt at the last meeting. They elected
me "child of the regiment" with the rank
of first Corpulent, and the pay of chief
" Blowyer." was about to return thanks
in neat and appropriate speech, when a
who was present assured me it
was no use-he had got the whole thing in
type, speech and all, and l could read it
in the evening paper, He said they kept
a " neat and appropriate speech standing
in type continually. I got his views, and
held my peace.
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the Stripes.
FAT CONTRIBUTOR.