The weekly Butte record., 1861-10-19
NO. SO
The Fat Contributor in the Home Guard.

/
The moment the Flag was threatened, large
bodies of men were called upon to rally in its
defense. Being a large bodied man, rallied
and enrolled myself with the Home Guards.
The drill is very severe with me this hot wea-
ther, although | am constantly allowed an at
tendant with fan and pitcher of ice water.
am living paradox, for while getting
Hardee" l am daily growing weak. Talk
about the " time that tried mems souls :" these
are the times that try mems fat, if they have
any. The Captain takes pleasure in putting
me through the double quick. When get off
think it will be with double quick" con-
sumption.
am constantly reminded that one of the
first requirements of a soldier is to throw out
his chest and draw in his stomach Having
been burned out several times while occupying
rooms in the attic, have had considerable
practice in " throwing out my chest :" but by
what system of practice could l ever hope to
draw in my stomach l can't " dress up :"
its no use trying If my vest buttons are in
line | am far in the rear and if toe the mark
fearful bulge indicates my position. There
is no room for argument in regard to my SEN
timents-everybody can see at a glance Just
where stand') One evening we had new
drill sergeant who was near sighted. Running
his eye down the line, he exclaimed sharply
"what is that man doing in the ranks with a
bass drum ?" He pointed at me, but hadn't
any drum, it was the surplus stomach that l
couldn't draw n
l am the butt Of numberless jokes, as you
may well suppose. They have got story in
the Guards that when l first heard the COM
mand-" Order arms"-I dropped my musket,
and taking out my note book began to draw
an order on the Government for what arms I
wanted They say l ordered the Winans steam
gun, with pair Of Dahlgren howitzers for
side arms Base fabricators. My ambition
never extended beyond riRed cannon, and
they know it.
Although in respect to size | belong TO the
" heavies," my preference is for Light Infantry
service. My knapsack is marked Light In
fantry. One evening spectators appeared
convulsed at something, and my comrades tit
tered by platoons whenever my back was turn
ed. 1t was all mystery to me until laid of
my knapsack. Some wretch had erased the
two final letters, and l had been parading the
whole evening labeled Light Infant" The
above is one of the thousand annoyances to
which am subject, and nothing but my con-
suming patriotism could ever induce me to
submit to it. l rallied at the call of my coun-
try, and am not to be put out by the rallying
of my comrades.
overheard spectator inquire of the drill
serjeant one day, "Do you drill the whole of
him at once ?"
"No," he returned in an awful whisper, al
drill him in squads"
l would have drilled him if l had had
bayonet.
Specifications have been published in regard
to my uniform, and contractors advertised for.
The making will be let out to the lowest res
ponsible bidder In case the Guards are or
dered to take the field, special Commissary
will be detailed to supply my rations. That
reminds me of narrowing incident On last
drill night an old farmer, who dropped in 10
see US drill, took me aside and said be wanted
to sell me yoke of powerful oxen.
My ancient agrculturalist," said / smiling
at his simplicity, " l have no use for oxen"
Perhaps not at present" quoth he, " but
if you go to war you will want them"
q For what 2" said considerably annoyed.
"Want 'em to draw your rations ~
The Guards paid me handsome compli-
ment at the last meeting. They elected me
" Child of the Regiment" with the rank of
First Corpulent and the pay Of chief "Blowyer."
| was about to return thanks in a neat and
appropriate speech, when reporter, who was
present, assured me it was no use-he had got
the whole thing in type, speech and all, and I
could read it in the evening paper. He said
they kept a al neat and appropriate speech
standing in type continually. got his views
and held my peace.
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the Stripes.
I