The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1861-04-25
THURSDAY, APRIL rs, 1861.

! yellow / think. OIL see it now the trent par
Tor has killed the back one
| The deuce Here was another pretty piece OF
business must either keep the door shut in
summer and be roasted or be charged with
killing whole pal Tor, carpets, chairs, sofas,
walls and all.
| Il would be but q mere repetition to tell how
this wicked woman led me from murder to MUIR
dor: First the new carpet killed the curtains,
then the new curtains killed the walls, then the
new painted walls killed the oil satin chairs,
and so, little by little, all my honest old furni.
ture went the way of the honest yellow.
The spell is broken at last cried, rubbing
my hands in ecstacy, neither my front nor my
back parlor can commit any more assassina-
tons Elated with the idea, was waiting on
Mrs Sowerby to the front door, when sudden
| ly she stopped slert at the foot of
the old fashioned winding staircase, the carpet
of which, confess, was infested here and there
with that modern abomination-a darn. 1t was
was moreover rather dingy and faded.
Your back parlor has kiLled your hail. said
Mrs Sowerby
And so it had coming out of the splendor OF
the former, the latter had the same effect on the
behoder as bad set Of teeth in fine face or a
rusty iron CRATE in fine room.
| began to be desperate. I had been acces-
sorry to so many cruel murders that my con-
L
by the wiles Of this pestilent won an, to murder
my way from ground floor to cock loft, without
sparing a single soul. Nothing escaped but
the garrett which, having been for half centu-
ry the receptacle Of all our broken or banished
house hold goods, resembled Hogarth's picture
of The End of the world, :" and defed the arts
of that miscellaneous woman, Mrs. Sowerby.
My house was now fairly revoutionized, OF
rather reformed after the old French mode by
process Of indiscriminate destruction
did not, like Alexander, after having thus
conquered one world, sigh for another to con-
quer. l sat down to enjoy my victory under
the shade Of my laurels. But alas disappont-
ment follows fruition tits pleasant to dance
till we come to pay the piper. BY the time Gus
tom had familliarized me to my new glories and
they had become somewhat Indifferent bills
came pouring in by dozens, and it was impossi-
BILE to kill my duns. as had my old furniture,
except by paying them mode Of destroying
these troublesome vermin not always pleasant
or agreeable From the period of commencing
housekeeping until now, have not had occa-
sion to put off single bill. l prided myself
on paying ready money for everything, and it
was an honest pride | can hardly express the
modification felt at now being sometimes
under the necessity of giving excuses instead
of money.
] had a miserable invention at this sort of
Imagination, and sometimes when more than
usually barren, got into passion, as people
often do when they have nothing else to do.
Mere than once found myself suddenly
turning corner in a great hurry, or planting
my self against the windows of picture shop,
studying it very attentiYely, in order not to sec
certain persons the very sight of whom is al
ways painful to persons ofnce sensibility.
Not being hardened to such trihes by long
tia al, Ill
the old regime it had always been q pleasure to
hear ring at the door, because it was the sig
nal for an agreeable visitor; but now it excited
disagreeable apprehensions, and sounded like
the kncll of dun. In short, grew crustY and
fdgety by turns, insomuch that Mrs. Sowerby
often exclaimed
Why, what is the matter with you, MI
Sobersides? Why, declare, somehow or 9th
er you don't seem the man yon used to be-
l could have answesed the new Mr.. Sober
sides has killed the old Mr.. Sobersides, but
said nothing, and only wished her up stairs
among the old furniture.
Ny system of reform produced another
source of worrying. Hitherto my old furniture
and myself were so long acquainted that could
take all sorts of liberties with it. | could re-
cline on one end Of the sofa on an evening, or
sit on one of the old chairsand cross my legs on
another, without the least bit Of ceremony. But
uow f0rsooth it is as much as l dare DO to sit
down on them; as for a lounge on the Sofa
which was the Cleopatra for which | would
have lost the world, should as soon think of
taking nap on a fine lady'a sleeve. AS to my
little rantiple boys, who had hitherto feared
neither carpet chairs, nor sofa, thay have at
last been schooled into such an awe of inery
that they walk about the parlor on tiptoe sit
on the edge ola chair with trepidation and con-
template the sofas at distance with profound
yeneration, as unapproachable divinities. To
cap the climax ofmy system of reform, my easy
old-shoe friends, who came to see ME without
ceremony, because they felt comfortable aud
welcome, have gradually become shy of my
new chairs and sofas and finally the last Of
them was fairly locked out by a certain person
for splitting accidentally upon q new brass fend-
er that shone like the sun at MONDAY.
fright hope that in the course of time these
evils would be mitigated by the furniture grow
ing cid and sociable by degrees, but there is lit
tie prospect of this because it is too fine for COM
mon use. The carpet is always protected by an
Old crum cloth full of holes ond stains the So
fas and chairs in dingy covered sheets, except
on extraordinary occasions, and fear that they
viii last foreYer-at least longer than l shall.
I sometimes solace myself with the anticipa-
ton that my children may live long enough to
sit upon the chairs with impunity and walk on
the carpet without going on tlpt0e
There would be some consolation in the midst
of these sore evis,i could only blame my wife
for all this. Many philosophers are of the opin-
that matrimony is more than equivalent to all
the rubs and disappointments Of life; and have
heard very wise person affirm that he would
not mind being ruined at all if he could only
| blame his wife for it. But must do mine the
Justice to say that she combatted Mrs. Sowerby
CALAMITY, and threw every obstacle in the way
Of my system of reform, advocating the cause
of every old piece Of furniture with zeal
worthy Of better success. / alone am to blame
in having yielded to that wicked woman, Mrs.
Sowerby; and as a man who has ruined himself
by his own imprudence is the better qualified
| for giving good advice, | have written this
sketch Of my history to caution all sober, honest
discreet people, against commencing a system
of reform in their household. Let them became
| of the first murder