Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1861-07-24
THE HERALD.
Doestiolrs on a Bender.


/ have .baen to Niagara-you know Nj
aoara Falls big rocks, water, foam, table
rock, Indian cuilosities, s4uaws, inoccasins,
Stuffed snakes, raids, wolves, Clifton House,
suspension bridge, place where the water
runs swift. the ladies faint, scream, and get
the paint washed off their faces; where the
;aristocratic Indian ladies sit on the dirt and
make little bags; where all the inhabitants
swindle strangers; where the cars 90 in a
hurry, the walters are impudent, and all
the small boys swear.
4 When came in sight Of the suspension
bridge | was yiyidy impressed with the
idea that it is some bridge; in fact, con-
ssidera5se curiosity, and considerable
bridge. Took glass of beer, and walked
up to the Falls; another glass OF beer, and
walked under the Falls; wanted another
glass Of beer, but couldn't get it; walked
away from the Falls, vet through, mad,
triumphant, victorious; hambugl humbug
SIR, all humbug. except the dampness Of
everything, which is q most certainty, and
the cupidity Of everybody, which is dia-
bolcal fact, and the Indians and niggers
everywhere, which is satanic truth.
Another glass Of beer-'twas forthcom-
ing, Immediately, also another, all ofwli;h
u drank. / then proceeded to drink glass
sof beer, vent over to the States, whore |
procured a glass Of beer,--went up stairs,
for which paid sixpence; over to Goat
Island. for which | dispersed twenty-five
Gems: hired q guide, 10 whom | paid a
half a dollar sneezed four times, at nine
cents a sneeze-went up on the tower for
quarter Of a dollar, and looked at the
Falls-didn't feel sublime any; tried e,
but couldn't; took some beer, and tried
again, but fsied-drank glass of beer and
began to feel better-thought the place
below was one sea Of beer-was going to
jump down and get some; guide held Inc;
sent him over to the hotel to Get a glass of
beer, while | tried to write some poetry
result as follows
Oh thou (spray in oneeye) awful, (snal
lobster in one shoe) sublime, (both feel
welt masterpiece of the Almighty terri
bic and majestic art thou in thy tremon-
'dous might-awful to behold, (cramp in
my right shoulder gigantic, huge and nice
oh, thou that tumblest down and riseth
up again in misty majesty to heayen--thou
glorious parent of thousand rainbows--
what huge, grand, awful. terrible, tremen-
dous, infinite old swindling humbug you
are; what are you doing there, you rapids
.you-you know You have tumbled over
tlldfe, and can't get up again to save your
puny existence; you make great fuss,
don't you?
Man came back with the beer, drank it
to the last drop, and wished there had been
"a gallon rnore-walked out on a rock to
the EDGE Of fall, woman on the shore very
much frightened; told her not to get ex-
cited If fell over, as would step right up
.again-it would not be much of fall any
how-got a glass of beer of a man, anoth-
or Of woman, and another Of a small boy;
fifteen minutes elapsed, when | purchased
some more Of an Indian woman, and inn
bibed it through straw it wasn't good
had to Get glass Of beer to take the
taste out Of my mouth; legs began to tan
gle up, effects Of the spray in my eyes, got
hungry and wanted something to eat
went into an eating house, called for plate
of beans, and some beef when the plate
brought the water in his hand. | took il,
hung up my beef and beans on a nail, eat
toy BAL, paid the dollar niger, and sided |
out on the step-walk, bought boy Of
glass of dog with small beer and neck |
on bis tail, with collar with spot on the
end---felt funny, sck,-got some some So
da-water ID a tin cup, drank the cup and
placed the soda on the counter, and paid
for the money full Of pocket--yery bad
headache; rubbed il against the lamp post
and then siulqped along; station house
come along and said If | did not go
straight he'd take me to the watchman-
tried to oblige the station house, very civil
station house, yery-met a baby with an
Irishwoman and wheelbarrow in it,
couldn't get out Of the way; she wouldn't
walk on the sidewalk but insisted on going
% both sides of the street at once; tried to
walk between her, consequence, collision,
awful, knocked out the Wheel-bauow' nose,
broke the Irish woman all to pieces, baby
loose, court house handy, took me to the
constable, jury sat on me, and the jail said |
the magistrate must take me to the consta-
BILE; objected, the dungeon put me into the
darkest constable IN the city; got out, and
here en- prepared to stick to my origin
ii ori1ion.
Niagara, non est ereelsas (ego III
bumbag est iadignus odmiratioaii
@. X. PmLANpER DoEsTIcKs, +. B.
IN e..