Civilian & telegraph. [volume] (Cumberland, Md.) 1859-1875, 1861-11-14
GFrom the Cleveland Plaindealer.
Our Fat Contributor In the Home
Guards. -rrar


Guards. -rrar-
The moment the flag was threatened
largo bodies of men we're called upon to
rally to its defence. Being a large-bodied
man, rallied, and enrolled myself with
the Home Guards. The drill is very
severe on me this hot weather, although
am constantly allowed an attendant
with fan and pitcher of ice water
am constantly reminded that one of
the first requirements of q soldier is to
throw out bis chest and draw in his sto-
mach. Having been burnt out several
times while occupying rooms in an attic,
l have had considerable practice in
throving out my chest, but by what sys-
ten of practice could I ever hope to
draw in my stomach? l can't sc dress
up"-it's no use trying. If my vest
buttons are in line | am far in the
rear, and if I toe the mark fearful
bulge indicates my position. (There is
no room for argument in regard to my
sentiments - everybody can see at a
glance just aohere 1 stand One eve-
ming we had a new drill-sergeant who
was nearsighted.s Running his eye down
the line, he exclaimed sharply 3
"What is that man doing in the ranks
with bass drum ?"
He pointed at me, but hadn't any
drum it was the surplus stomach that
couldn't draw in.
am the butt of numberless jokes, as
you may we'll suppose. They have got
story in the Guards that when l first
heard the command !" Order arms !" I
dropped my musket, and taking out my
note book began to draw an order on
the Government for what arms I wanted.
They say ordered Winans steam gun,
with pair Of Dahlgreen howitzers for
side arms ! Base fabricators! My am
bition never extended beyond rifed
cannon, and they knew it.
Although in respect to size l belong
to the " heavies," my preference is for
the light infantry. One evening the
spectators seemed convulsed about some
thing, and my comrades Uttered by pla-
toons whenever my back was turned. 1t
was all mystery to me until laid off
my knapsack. Some wretch had erased
the Two fual letters, and | had been
parading all the evening labelled "LIaur
INFANT" The above is one of the thou
sand annoyances to which am subjected,
and nothing but my consuming patriot
ism could ever induce me to submit to
it. rallied at the call of my country,
and am not to be put out by the raltying
of my comrades"
l overheard a spectator inquire of the
drill-sergeaut one day,
"Do you drill the whole of him at
once %
"No," he returned, in an awful whis-
per, "I drill him by squads "
could have drilled him if | had had
bayonet. .
Specifications have been published in
regard to my uniform, and contractors
advertised for. The making will be let
out to the lowest responsible bidder. In
case the Guards are ordered to take the
field, special commissary will be de-
tailed to supply my rations. That re-
minds me OF narrowing incident. On
last drill night, an old farmer who
dropped in to see US drill, took me aside
and said he wanted to sell me yoke of
powerful oxen.
"My ancient agriculturist," said I,
smiling at his simplicity, "I have no
use for oxen."
Perhaps not at present" quoth he,
"but if you 60 to war you will want
them"
"For what?'' said I, considerably
annoyed.
1" Want EN- to draao your rations!"
The Guards paid me delicate COM.
pliment at the last meeting. They
elected me "Child of the Regiment,
with the rank of Compliant. l was
about to return thanks in neat and ap-
propriate speech, when reporter who
was present assured me it was no use,
he had got the whole thing in type,
speech and all, and I could read it in
the evening paper. He said they kept
"neat and appropriate speech" stand
ing in type continually. Igot his views,
and held my peace.
Yours for the Union, including
The Stars, also the Stripes,
FAT CONTRIBUTOR.
-.sN-).Ss.U