Cincinnati daily press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1860-1862, 1861-03-14

we reprint bis sensations afer swalo Fiasa
dose Of opium;
The bIissfni effects began 10 ccme along IN
the course Of half an hour. First I was rich;
bed $4,000 in bank; had a-good many val.
liable houses in the city, owned halfthe New
York Central Railroad, and had 90 much
prairie land ia Michigan Wisconsin aud
Minnesota, that / couldt run from ore end
Of II to the other 10 two days5 on a lightning
express train. Then j bad q wife, Ia fact,
two wives-and IN twenty minutes I had
twenty wives-all beautiful, accomplish q
and sfectiobate. Then l was q hero; had
lust returned from war, after killing $4,000
men, and was receiving due houors.
Then the Sunday MTc1Jy had raised my
salary 20 $500 a week, and Just sent in their
check for five weekS back salary. Fheo |
bad more wives-thirty more-hamdsomer
than The first ones, and richer. Thea Was
a patriot / had Just returned from WASH
iDRtoD, alter s~ssassinating gemes Buchanan,
and was receiving the piaudtts of grateful
nation therefor. Tben somebody had died
and left me more property and was a
charitable beneiactory and Was relieving all
the wants Of the poor folks IN The city, CIV
ing every mau three barrels o. pork, nioe
bags Of -four, t~hirty-siz bushels of potatoes.
and a red cart aud gray jechass to drag
them home for him.
Then tho S,y9sy Heyspyy had raised nv
salary TO $1,000 a week, and was paying me
three months salary in advance. Then |
was a hero sgaiu-of another variety this
time; / bad just saved LOCO lives or
SO, and the city was in delight about me.
Then ! had more ~Nives-tovetier than be.
tore and richer-eaeh one with her pocket
full Of seed pearls, and three pecks Of dia-
monde stitched into her pe~ttlcoat8 Then |
was a king, and was bossing everything and
every body 10 my hearts content and theirs.
Then all my wives had large families that
| hadn't seen before-all boys, aud all sol
diers, and all geueralsj then teey were all
politicians, and all Presidents of Republics;
then they were all editors then all msr.
chants then all clergy men, aud all BseGh-
ers; but, Whatever they were, | was the
father o fthem all, and they numbered loo,
then l,OOo, then 10000 The Sunday Mr.
ouTy had raised my salary it was nov S25,
0O0a week-stationery found and gas bills
sent me around two years pay IN advance,
in gold, and sixty draymen we're dumpingi 1t
into the coal hole by the cart-load.
Then | began 10 be more eXtravagant, and
undergo various metamorpbOses. FIRST /
MSS a freezer of vanilla ice cream, then | vas
3 gold fsb, then | was n new baby, with a
husband interested and enthusiastica rela-
tious; then / was a Christmas; then | was a
balloon bound straight for the mson, and
with gas enough to carry me there, aud
with letters of to the mau of
that interesting planet; then Iswas n sixteen
pound trout, and Barnum had bought me for
$1,000; then | was q clipper ship, the pride
If the country then l was Pages Venus;
then ] was a canary bird, with five extra
notes to my palate; then l. became a flying
fish then | became a shark and swallowed
the flying fish | just had been; then [
changed into a sailor and speared the shark
that | was a minute before; then | became
the h0atswain, and Aogged he sailor who
bad speaTed me as a shark; then | was q
sluug. shot, and caved in the head of the
bOatsweiU who bad logged me when | was
a sailor; then | was a policeman who melted
down the sluDg shot !, then l. WAS "a Police
Com n %issioner, and broke the policeman;
then I became the people, and elected a new
Commissioner; then, as the people, [ got
my self into an election riot; then | changed
into the military aud artilleryed myself as
he people, and bay Oneted myself "a tue peo-
PIE sHd charged on myself, aud dispersed NY
into a huge buck heat cake, and was deli
cately brow ned on the griddle, aBd dainttly
iuhIicstcd with The sweetest and purest
butter then | was Aoa ed 10 the ~cle4rest and
most tripspaTently beautiful maple molasses
is the highest and best fate of a
buck heat cake then | changed again, and
the NeTcaTy had put up my salary to So, 900
per week Of four days, and bad Just sent in
a blank check for me TO fill out for any num-
Dor of years il advance; my 10000 sons
bad IrOWn up to be the best and noblest
Of men, and held The leading positions every
where IN the country, then | was about to
be Mayor OF The oity, bad it not been for a
crowd of determined citizens, who had re-
solved that I should be Governor OF the
STATE and L was rescued from. this last
tbroBg 10y another crowd, Who had ali voted
for me for President of the United States:
and Ehad Just given my consent TO fill that
responsible post 10 the best of my ability.
when ] was forcibIy seized by an army OF
cur first families aud our best society. and
act as Dictator Of all North. America but
before ] had a chance to fairly say eyes" TO
this proposition, J. found myself declared
Copquerur of the World, and was being in
vested with royal robes aud things.
From this time things, began TO go, by con-
%traTies. | wasn't so rich as | had been; L
wasn't rich At all; thadn't 20, 600 sons. only
one, AMI he was in thepeuitenriary for steal
ing q spawned gray mare aud buck-skiu
budle. wasn't ~Conqoeror; / wasn't a
Governor; | wasn't anybody; l hadn't
saved anybody l badnt killed any body;
] didn't have any maple molasses on
me, nor any butter, nor any thing:
! wasn't q buckwheat cake at all; bdt
| was a screw. steamer with 100 pSssen-
gers, all Of theu eca- sick ut once; then 7
was a pig, with my throat cut; then / was
the What is it2 thea / was myself win
my salary stopped and my wnck doubled.
then L was a slice of bread, but oreI
served all the feeliSg of a. man while I
wOs toasted very brown on both. sides then
| was a sausage and was fried; then was
an eel, and was first speared, then skinned
alive, then stewed; sDd-then eaten.
Then lawas a oarkey, and was roasted.
then / was an oyster, and was salted. ind
peppeTed, andyinegsred, and Wprcestershire-
saUced, and devoared alive ON the half she'll
Then was myself, and was asleep, and
had six snvils on my breast and two fellows
forging lumber wagon tires on each anvil.
then the anvils changed to billiard tables
and Berger and Phelan Were playing a match
on it tAen there was a three.storv
house on my chest, a tenemanteh house at
thai, and a row in every Ioon; ; then nv head
was a carpenters shop with a tnrnioS lathe
in one cornsT; aud fcF the last three bonrs
of my laudesum sleep,tfor lfell asleep after .
Two houis 81 oIlss) ehought nay skull was
a steam boiler for a side wheel steamboat
and that thirty-foCR men, balf inside Che
boiler and balfOut we're engaged in settigo
the last riyets. To accomplish this feat
imagined that th3y drilled holes throngh
the bone with a cold chisel, heated the riyets
red hot, and cliached them on both sides
with ssEeDteeu-p0und sledge- hammers.
NuA my Aosb A1l uouli lsbuppOSe It was.
but " hich really seemed hke ak weeks.
thought had nAde the acquaintance of Ills
Honor, Satan, and thab he was f~Rvoring me
with devoted. personal attentions. and had
taken off my. scalp, bsttered the ton If nv
head, run a pitchtork through nv BODY ana
was toastiDg me like a muffin.
That was The last Of my experience Of
opium eatisg the t5st part Of ii was deli
eious, blssRl, was heavenly; but the Iast
three houzs-well, words are OF NO use,
METHOD OF AAESeE \ CoAL FIRE=If
every body knew how-to make a coal Gre,
smoke outside tie housaS in cold westber