Juliet signal. [volume] (Juliet [i.e. Joliet], Ill.) 1844-1???, 1861-08-20
our Fat Contributor In the
Home Guard.

The moment our flag was threatened,
large bodies of men were called upon to
rally in its defense. Being large bodied
man, rallied, and enrolled myself with the
Home Guards. The drill is very severe
on me this hot weather, although am con
ptsntly allowed an attendant with fan
and pitcher of ice water.
j am constantly reminded that one of the
first requirements of soldier is to throw
out his chest and draw in his stomach
Having been burned out several times while
occupying rooms in an attic, have had
considerable practice in Hrolcing ont my
eAest, but by what system of practice could
ever hope to draw in my stomach?
ssu't dress up'-it's no use trying. If my
vest button are in line / am far in the
rear, and if toe the mark fearful bulge
indicates my position. There is no room
for argument ip regard to my sentiments
every body can see at a glance Just rkert
! sfGnd.) One evening we had a new drill
sergeant who was near sighted. Running
his eye down the line, he exclaimed sharp>
ly:
What is that man doing in the ranks
with bass drum ?"
He pointed at me, but hadn't any ium
it was the surplus stomach that cuuldn't
draw in.
j am the butt of Dumberless Jokes, as You
may we'll suppose. They have got q story
10 the Guards that when | rst heard the
command, Order arms ? dropped my
mushet, and taking out my note book began
10 draw an order on the Governor for what
arms | wanted. They say | ordered a
Winaus steam gun, with pair Of Dablgren
howtizers for side arms! Base fabricators!
My ambition never extended beyond RI
fed cannon, and they knew it.
Although in respect to size belong to
the 'heavies,' my preference is for the light
infantry service. My knapsack is marx ed
light infantry. One evening the spectators
seemed convulsed about something, and m Y
comrades Uttered whenever my back was
turned. 1t vas all mystery to me until
laid of my kDapsack. Some wretch bad
erased the final letters. and had been pa
radiDg all the evening labeled LIGHT In
JANTP The above is one of the thousand
annoyances to which | am subjected, and
nothing but my consuming patriotism could
ever induce me TO submit to it. L rallied
ut the call of my country, and am not to
be put out by the rally,ng of my conn
rxdes.
l overheard a spectator inquire of the
uTlIl sergeant one DAY
Do you drill the whole Of him ut once?'
NO. he returned, in an awful whisper,
Il drill him by squads
would have drilled him if / had had
bayonet.
Specifications have been published in re
gard to my uniform, and contractors adver
tisOd for. The making will be let out to the
lowest responsible bidder. In case the
a =
cial commissiary will be detailed to supply
my rations. That reminds me of bar
rowing incident. On last drill night, an
old farmer, who dropped in to see US drill,
took me aside, and said he wanted to sell
me yoke of powerful oxen.
My ancient agriculturist,' said |, smil-
Ing at his simplicity, L have no use for
oxen
Perhaps not at present. quoth he, but
IL you 60 to war you will want them
For whatP said |, considerably annoy
cd.
Want EN- to draw your rationsP
The Guards paid me a delicate compli-
nent at the last meeting They elected me
.'chlld OF the regiment with the rank of
nrst CoTrpulent, and the pay of chief Blow
yer. was about to return thanks in n
neat aud appropriate speech, when a re-
porter who was present assured me it was
no use-he had got the whule thirg in tyre
speech and all, and could read il in the
evening paper. He said they kept meat
and appropriate speech standing in type
continually. | got his views, aud held nv
pence.
Yours for the Union, including
the Stars, also the stripes,
FAT CONTRIBUTOR.