The Cass County Republican. [volume] (Dowagiac, Mich.) 18??-1880, 1861-06-13
Artemus Ward in the South.--His Trials
sra sss-ss1r and Adventures.

warn't nothing in comparison to my
trubles. ] cum pesky near swearin
sum profane oaths more'n onct, but
hope / didn't do it for Pv a promised
she whose name shall be nameless
Except that her initials is Betsey j.
that III jine the Meeting House at
Baldinsvile, jest as soon as l can scrape
money enuff together so can ford to
be piuss in good stile, like my welthy
nabers. But if Pm coniscated agin
Pm afraid / shall continner on in my
present benited state for some time.
/ fggered conspicyusly in many
thrilin scenes in my tower from Mont
gomery to my humsted, and on sevril
occasions / thought s'the crate komic
papern wouldn't never be inriched no
more with my lubrications. AFTER
-biddin adoo to Jefferson d. started
for the depot. l saw niger sittin
on fence a-playin on banjo. "My
Afrikin Brother," sed /, cotin from a
Track / wonct red, "you belong to n
very interestin race Your masters is
goin to war exclusively on your ac-
count"
eyes, boss" he replied, Sam l wish
'cmg honorable GRAVES ]" and he went
ohsplayin the banjo, laffin all over and
openin his mouth wide enuff to drive
in an old fashined wheel shay.
The train of cars in which was to
trust my walcrable life was the scaliest,
rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that
ever saw on wheels afore. &c What
time does this string of secondhand
collins leave?" / inquired of the depo
master. He scd directly, and / went
in e sot down. / hadn't more'n fairly
squatted afore dark lookin man with
swinister expression onto his counte-
nance enteredthe cars, ndlookin very
sharp at me, he. axed what was my
prinsipuls? IN u = Se7c ~
"Seccsll p1 | answered, &c I'm a
Dissoluter, Pm in favor of jeff Davis,
Bouregard,. Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloc
BEARD Monroe Edwards, the devil.
Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest of
'em.n KS s3 SD CTz
s.ss You're in favor of the WARP" SO
"Certingly. BY all means. I'm in
favor of this war and also Of the next
war for over sixteen yards ~
-" Var to the knife 20 sed the man.
ss." Bud, Fargo, blud 20 sed /, tho
them words isn't origernal with me.
Them. words was rit by Shakespeare,
who is ded. His Mantle fell onto the
author of aThe Seven Sisters" who's
goin to have Spring overcoat made
out of It. lars ssa-st IS - !,
We got under way at larst, an pro-
ceeded on our journey at about the
rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved
by properly, eonducted funeral pur-
.cessbuns. lAyhansnm yung gal, with
a red musketcr bar on the back part of
her he'd, and a.sassy little black hat tipt
over her torred, sot in the seat with
me. She wore little Secesh flag pin'd
onto her hat, and she was going for
to see her troo love, who had jined the
Southern. arm. all so bold and gay. So
she, toldgme.g Sherwas chilly and /
offered her my blanket. - : X -
"Father, livin ?" i axed.
,"Yes,Y Sir" 9ls ai5gJ53Gn. EEi'C
Got. any Uucles ?''sTTfS
IA heep. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho.
-" Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes,
and success to him! l will be your
Uncle Thomasi Lean on me, my pretty
Secesher, and Iinger Blisfnl repose %
She slept as secoorly as in her own
housen, and didn't disturb the sollum
stiffness of the night with 'ary snore.
AT the first stashun troop of Sojers
entered the cars and inquired if sold
Wax Works" was on bored. That
was the disrespective stile in which they
referred to me. Becawzif Old Wax
Works is on bored" seq man with a
face like a double brested lobster,
''we're going to hang Old Wax w orks p
SHY illustrious and patriotic Bum
mers!" seq I, a gittin up and takin orr
my=chappoo, ''if you alludeto A. w ard,
it's my pleasin dooty to inform you
that he's ded. He saw the error of his
ways at 10 minits past 2 yesterday, and
stabbed hisself with n stuffed sled-stake
sdyin in five beautiful tabloos to slow
,moosicI : His larst words was: My
perfeshernal career is over! jerk nc
more r'' s.....-.
sand who be you?" 2a haa
Pm q stoodent in Senator Beuia-
minis law ofiiss. I'm goin up North
to steal sum spoons and things for the
SutherI Army" r 4 n ~ ~
This was satisfactory and the intossi-
Gated troopers went orr. AT the next
station the pretty little Secesher awoke
and sed she must git out there. / bid
her a kind adoo and Civ her sum pro-
visions. "Accept my blessin and this
hunk of gingerbread" She thankt me
irnuehly and tript galy away. There's
considerable human mater in man,
and Pm fraid / shall alters Civ ade and
cumfert to the enemy if he Gums to me
IN the shape of a nice young GAL
at the next stashun / didn't get orr
so easy. l was dragged out of the car
and rolled IN the mud for several minits
for the purpuss of ''takin the conseat
out of me" as Secesher kindly stated.
al was let up finally, when a powerful
large Secesher cum up and embraced
me, and to show that he had no hard
feelins agins me, put his nose into my
mouth. ] returned the compliment by
placing my stummick suddenly agin