Daily Ohio statesman. [volume] (Columbus, Ohio) 1855-1870, 1861-02-01
Artemus Ward on the Crisis i.

On returnin to my humsted in Bald insville,
Injianny, resuntly, my feller sitterzens extended
invite for me to norate to 'em on the krysi5.
/ excepted g. on larst Toosday mite peared bed
a G of upturned feces in the Red Skool House.
spoke nearly as follers:
Baldinsyillins: Hearto4, as | have numer-
ously obsarved, hav abstrained from havin
any sentiments or principles, my pollertics, like
nv religion, bein of exceedin accommodatin
character. But the fack can't be no longer dis.
gised that Krysis is onto US, & feel it's my
dooty to except your invite for one consecutive
mite only. Ispose the infammertory individ.
GOALS who assisted In producing this Krysis know
what good she will do, but amt 'shamed to
state that don't, scacely. But the Krysis is
hear She's bin hear for sevral weeks, q Good
ness nose how long she'll stay. But ventur
to assert that she's rippin things. She's knockt
trade into cockt up hat and chaned Bizniss Of
all kinds tighter nor l ever chaned any of my
livin wild Beests. Allow me to hear dygress l.
stait that my Beests at preeent is as harmless
as the newborn Babe. Ladys & gentlemen
needn't have no fears on that pint To resoom
-Altho | can't exackly see what good this
Krysis can do, ! can very quick say what the
origernal cawz Of her is. The origernal cawz
Is Our Afrikan Brother. was into Barnim's
Moozeum down to New York the other day &
saw that exsentric Ethiopian, that What Is Il,
Sez J, "Mster What Is 1t, you folks air raisin
thunder with this CRATE country. You're get
tin to be rather more numeris than interestin
| Il is pity you coodent 60 orf sumwhares by
yourselves, g. be o nasbun Of What IsAts, tho
| if you'll excoose me, l shooden't care about
margin smung you.
| No doWt you're excedin charmin to hum, but
your atile of luvliness isn't adapted to this
cold climit. He larfed into my face, which
rather Riled me, as had been perfeckly vir-
toous and respectable In my observations. So
sez /, turnin leetle red in the face / spect,
"Do you hav the unblushin impudence to say
YOU folks haven't raised a big mess Of thunder
In this brite land, Mister What Is III" He
larfed agin, wusser nor bed, whereupon / uE
and sez, "Go home, Sir, to Atriky's burniI
shores g. talk all the other What Is Its along
with you. Don't think we can't spair your
interestin picters. You What Is Its air on the
pint of smashing up the greatest Guv'meni
ever erected by man, g. you actooally hav tht
owdassity to larf about it. Go home, you low
cuss!' +.'
was workt up to high pitch & pro
ceeded to Restorator & cooled orf with sun
little fishes billed in ile-I b'leeve they cal
'em sardeens.
Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Oul
Brother Sevral highly respeotyble gentlemen
and sum talentid females tell US 80, & fur argy
ment's sake mite be injooced to grant it, tho
| don't b'leeve it myself. But the AfrikaI
isn't our sister & our wife & our uncle. H,
isn't several OF our brothers g. all our fust wife
relashuns He isn't our grandfather, and ou
Aunt in the country. Scaceiy, & yit numerii
persons would hav us think 90. les troo b,
runs Congress g. several other public groserys
but then he amt everybody & everybody els
likewise. Notiss to bizness man Of VANIT'
FAIR: Extry charg for this last remark. It's
goak-A. w..
But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's 60
us, & now what air we going to do about it
He's orful noosance. Praps he isn't to blam
fur It. Praps he was creatid for some wise pur
puss, like the measles and new Englan rum, bu
it's nifty hard to see it. At any rate he's n
good here, g. as statid to Mister What Ia 1t
It's pity he cooden't 60 orr sumwhares quiet.
" by hisself, whar he Good wear red weskit
and speckled neckties g. gratterfy hiz ambishu
in varis interestin vase, without hevin eter
nal fuss kickt up about him.
Praps I'm bearing down to hard upon Cuff
Cum to think on it, am. He wooden't
sich an internal noosance if white peple WOO
let him alone. He mite indeed be interestir
And now think Of 1t, why can't the white pc
pie let him alone2 What's the good Of contin
nerly stirring him up with ten foot pole2 H
isn't the sweetest kind Of Perfoomery whenin
natral stait.
Feller SitteIzens, the Unions in danger
The black devil dsunion is trooly here, stari
! us souarely in the face. We must drive hir
back. Shall we make 2nd Mexiko of our
{ selves? Shall we sell our birthrite for mes
: of potash? Shall one brother put the knife
the throat Of anothur brother1 Shall We mi
: our whisky with each others blud2 Shall th
star spangled Banner be cut up into disholoths
Standin here In this here Skoolhouse, upon m
/ nativ shore 60 to speek, Ianswer--Nary!
Oh you fellers who are raisin this row & wh
In the fist place startid it, Pm 'shamed of yol
The Snowman bushes for you from bis boa
to the topmost har upon his venerable he'd. &
: 1 say to the South don't sesesh! | say to Il
galyiant peple Of that sunny land, jus lock up
| few hundred Of them tearin roarin fellers
yourn In sum strong boxes, and send 'em ov,
= to Mexiko. And We peple up North here wi
+ consine a ekal number of our adde braned r
= snorters to the same lokalerty, 4 thar let .
ate It out among themselves. No consekenl
not the sitest, which lcks. Why shooden'tt II
peple who got I'D this fte do the fitin? G
these ornery critters out Of the way, & the Sc
sible peple Of the North g. South, can fix Il
matter up very easy. And when tits fixt ]
t both secshuns resolve TO mind their own bizuii
Feller Siuerzens, am In the Sheer y Ye
Ter leaf shall peg out of these dase. B
while do stop here shall stay in the Unio
: know not what the Supervisors Of Baldwin
Vile may conclude to do, but for one, shl
stand by the Stars & Stripes. Under no cl
= cumstances whatsomever will sesesh. L
every Stait In the Union sesesh Il let Paine
ter flags Aote thicker nor shirts on Square Ba
n ter's close line, still will stick 70 the good
flag. The country may 90 to the devil, bn
: won't! And next Summer when start out
INV campane with my Show, wharever pit
nv little tent, sou shall see AotinI prowdly fl
it the center pole thereof the American FL
with nary q star wiped out, mary stfipel'