Holmes County farmer. [volume] (Millersburg, Ohio) 1857-1926, 1861-02-07
Artemus ward on the Crisis.

vile lnllanny. resuntly, my feller sitter.
zens extended a invite for me to norate
to 'em on the Krysis. | excepted d on
larst Toosdy mite peared bed a G of up
turned faces in the Red Skool House.
spoke neerly as follers:
Baldinsvillians +: Hereto4, as l hav
numerously obsarved, l hav abstained
from havin any sentimunts or principles,
my pollertics, like my religion, bein of q
exceedn accommodatin character. But
the fack can't be longer disguised that a
Krysis is onto us u | feel it's my dooty
to except your invite for one consecutive
mite only. / spose the inflammertory in
dividooals who assisted in producing this
krysis know what good she will do, bur
l amt 'shamed to state that / don't,
scacely. But the Krysis is here. She's
bin hear for several weeks, & Goodness
nose how long she'll stay. But l venter
to assert that she's rippin things. She's
knockt trade into cockt up hat and
chaned any of my livin wild Beests. AL
low me to hear dygress d. stait that my
Beests at present is as harmless as the
born Babe. Ladys & gentleman
needn't hav no fears on that pint. To
resoom-Altho l can't exackly see what
good this Krysis can do, can very quick
say what the original cawz Of heris. The
origernal cawz in Our Afrikan Brother.
| was into Barnim's Moozeum down to
New York the other day g. saw that ex-
sentric Ethiopian, the What Is 1t. Sez
|, "Mister What Is 1t, you folks are
raisin thunder with this CRATE country
You're gettin to be ruther more numer-
is than interestin. 1t is pity You Good
ent go orf sumwheres by yourselves, &
be a uashun of What Is 1t, tho if you
excoose me, | shooden't care about mar
ryin among you. No dowt you're ex-
ceedin charmin to hum, but your stile
of luvliness isn't adopted to this cold
climit. He larfed into my face, which
rather Riled me; as | had bin perfeckly
virtoous and respectable in my observa-
shuns. SO sez |, turnin q leetle red in
the face l spect, "Do you hav the un-
blushin impoodents to say you folks
haven't raised a big mess of thunder in
this brite land, Mister What Is It?" He
larfed agin, wusser nor bed, whareupon l
up and sez, "Go home, Sir, to Afriky's IS
burnin shores & talk all the other What
Is Its along with you. Don't think we
can't spair your interestin picters. You
What Is It's air on the pint of smashin
up the gratest Guv'ment ever erected by
man, & you actooally hav the owdassity
to larf about it. Go hum, you low cuss."
was workt up to high pitch & l
proceeded to a Restorator & cooled orr
with sum little fishes billed in ile-I bleeve
they call 'em sardeens.
Feler Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be
Our Brother. Sevral lilly ressectyblc
gentlemen, and sum talentid females tells
us so, u fur arguments sake might be
injooced to grant it, tho | don't b'leeve
it myself But the Afrikan isn't our sis
ter u our wife d. our uncle. He isn't
several of our brothers & all our fust
wfe's relashuns. He isn't our grand
farther, and cur CRATE grandfather and
. our Aunt in the country. Scacely. &
yit numeris persons would hav us think
so. It's troo he runs Congress & sevral
other public groserys. but then he amt
everybody & everybody else likewise
Notiss to bizness man Of Vanity Fair:
Extry charg for this larst remark. It's
u goak.-A. w.
But we've got the Afrkan, or ruther
he's got us, & now what air we going to
do about it? He's orful noosanse.-
Praps he was creatid fur sum wise pur-
puss, like the measles and New Englan
Rum, but it's nifty hard to see it. At
any rate he's no good here. & as / statid
to Mister What Is Tits pity he cooden't t
go orf sumwhares quietly by hisself, WHARF
he Good wear red weskits and speckled
neckties, and gratterfy his ambishun in
varis interestin vase. without havin a
eternal fuss kickt up about him.
Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon
Cuify Cum to think on it, | am. He
wooden't be such internal noosanse if
white peple wood let him alone. lie
might indeed be interestin. And now |
think of it why can't the white peple
let him alone. What's the good of CON
tinuerly strrin him up with tenfoot
pole? He isn't the sweetest kind of Per-
foomery when in natral stait.
Feller Sitterzens. the Unions in danger.
The black devil disunion is trooly here,
starein us all squarely in the face! We
must drive him back. Shall we make a
ID Mexico of ourselves? Shall we sell
our birthrite for mess Of potash? Shall
one bruther put the knife to the throat of
anuther bruther? Shall we mix our
whisky with each others Llud? Sail
the star spangled Banner be cut up into
dishcloths? Standin here in this here
Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shore SO to
speak, ! anser-Nary!
Oh you fellers who air rasin this row,
IL who in the fust place startid it, Pm
'shamed of you. The Snowman bushes
for you, from his boots to the topmost
har upon his venerable he'd.
say to the South don't sesesh! /
say to the galyiant peple of that sunny
land. jes lock up few hundred of them
tearn & roarn fellers of yourn in sum
strong boxes and send 'em over to Mexi-
co. And we pepls up North here will
consine ekal number of our addle braned
rip snorters to the same lokallerty, and
thar let 'em tite it out among themselves.
| No consekents, not the slitest, which
licks, Why shooden't the peple who got
up this fite do the fitin? Git these ornery
critters out of the way, S the sensible
/ ,anla Of tba N,,th h onl Gn,,b oo, G. a bc