The Placer herald. [volume] (Auburn, Placer County, Calif.) 1855-1991, 1861-06-29


Drowned on the gridGle, and nicely lubrica
ted with the sweetest and pnrest butter then
| was hoated in the clearest and most trans
parently beautful molas es-which is the
highest and best fate Of bnckwheat cake;
then | changed again and the Mercury had
put up my salary to five thousand dollars
per week of four days, and had just sent in
blank for me to fill out for any number of
years in advance; my twenty thousand sons
had grown to be the best and noblest Of men,
and held the leading positions everywhere
in the country; then | was about TO be
Mayor OF the city, had it not been for a
crowd of determined citizens, who had re-
solved that | should be Governor OF the
State; and | was rescued from this last
| ,hrong by another crowd, who had all voted
for me for President Of the United States;
and bad just given my consen, to fill that
responsible post to the best Of my ability.
when was forciby seized by an army of
our first families and our best society, and
compelled to accede TO their command to
act as Dictator of all North America; but
before had chance to fairly say Yes" to
this proposition, found myself declared
conQueror Of the word, and was being in
vested with the royal robes and things
From this time things began to 90 by
contraries wasn't SO rich as had been:
wasn't rich at all in fact was a begaar
hadn't twenty thousand suns, only one,
and he was in the penitentiary for stealing
a spawned gray mare and buckskln bride
WASH, conqueror; wasn't a governor
had Il killed anybody; | didn't have any
maple moasses on me, or any butter, nol
anything; | wasn't a bu kwheat cake at ali
! but | WAS a screw steamer with seven hun
dred passengers, all of them sea-sirk a
once; teen was a PIC, with my throat cut
then | was a What is ii? then | WAS my
self, with my salary stopped and my work
doubled then | WAS slice of bread bat
preserved all the feelings of Il man while
was toasted very brown on both sides; then
| was a sausage and was fried; then | was
an eel and was first speared, then skinned
alive, then stewed, then eaten.
Then I was turkey, and Was roasted;
then | was an oyster, and WAS salted, and
peppered and vinegarcd, and dorchester.
Shire sauced, and deyoured alive on the
half shell.
Then was myself, and was asleep, and
had SIX anvils on my breast and two fellows
forging lumber-wagon tires on each anvil;
then the anvis changed to billiard tables,
and Berger and phelan were playing a
match game on them; then there was Il
three story house on my chest, Il tenement
house at that, and a row in every room;
then my head was carpenters shop, with
a turning lathe in one corner: and for the
last three hours of my laudanun sleep (ior
| fell asleep after two hours of b.iss) |
thought my skull was a steam boiler for Il
side wheel steamboat, and thirtyfour men,
half inside and half out. were engaged in
settirg the last r;vets To accomplish this
feat, imagined that they drilled holes
through The bone with cold chisel, heated
the rive,s red hot, and clnched them on
both sides with seventeen'pound sledge ham
mers.
For the last half hour, suppose it was,
but which really seemed lik six weeks |
thought had made the acquaintance of His
Honor Satan, and that he was favoring me
with his devoted personal attentions, and
had taken off my scalp, battered the top of
my head run pitchtork through my body,
and was toasling me like a muffin.
That was the last Of my experience Of
opium eating; the first part of it was deli
cious, blissful, was heavenly; but the last
three hours-weIl, words are of no use