Smyrna times., 1861-01-17
- -------- = 1873
Ii U Nj o L o U S.
f Humorous Report.

AT the Sagndahoc Agricultural Fair. Rev.
GEORGE E. Adams ID. d of Brunswick. was
appointed chairman of the Committee on Pre-.
serves, Pickles, &c. His report is verv resda.
ole' luli OF humUr and good sence, and flashes
ol W.T. which, when read, convulsed the andi.
ence present with laughter. He first ascer.
talns the duty OF The committee, by an snaIv-
Sis OF the meaning Of the terms :" preserves
pickles, and so Jorth," giving definitions from
Webster and citations from Shakespeare
" How cameSt Il on in this rickIeg"
ana ADMITS mat the committee are in a fne
pickle having 10 odjudlcate the conteudino
claims of parcel Of notable housewives.
After awarding the premiums the reverend
gentleman concludes with a series of recines
winch Will, we doubt rot, be read with pleas.
ure by all. We have the following:
no make |tnsS0r Of the strong est Kind
Take one quart of milk of human kindness
such as the poet sings of, pour into an earthen
pan' set on table, with a chair in front facing
the suh' iiace IN the chair a regular, old.
IaShiohed' tattiing, notwithstanding gossip.
sp' ctacIG' on nose, snuff box in left hand a
large pinch between thumb and finger of the
right; let her look intently at the aforesaid
milk fifteen minutes by the kitchen clock. with
out wInklng, aud If It isn't sour and sharp AZ
the end OF fifteen minutcs-report to the oom.
mttee, and they II drink it,
10 tmP0rt double relish to Preserves and
PtckteS Send small jar of each, with hes,
respects, 10 your minister. Or if you sbould
near that nelghbor has got the start of Won. a
peck OF peas or bushel of potatoes, or a few
rolls iiisI premium butter, will answer.
N. Is Never mind the printer He lives on
gas
10 Keep good nafured.-Never quarrel. If
should iell, give something 10 somebody
every day.
10 keep up a neighJoring quarrel Stir il
once Week; adding if ncedful few drops of
" lie o vItrll." 1t will be as good hundred
years hence as ii is to-day.
10 keep good nane.-Be good man, and
above all never be candidate for Governor mr.
President.
10 pTcScrUe an old .fogy-Put in a barrel
and head up. There's pepper and vinec,r
enough in Kim to keep hln, without further am.
Pic ton, as long as the word wants him.
To PrcSerUe Gcauty-Say your PRAYERS
every morning, read Your Bible every niehl.
ana 'he newspaper every week. Never scol1
your husband, Tor every seeding causes two
wrinkles, one IN the scolder, the other in the
scoIdce. Cultivate YOUR mInd-cultiyute ycur
| aHectlohs-ior there IL no genuine beauty
without intellect and heart. Never be impa-
tIent. Ever return smiles for frowns. '..s
10 keep Beau -Flrst-as Mrs. Glnss. ia
her cook book, says about the turbot-catck
him. Then, if your beau, being fairly (er un-
tairly) caught, belongs to the g enus komo. if.
10 other words, he is a real man, treat him
once wcek-any time but Saturday nights
lest he should sleep in meeting on Sunday-to
dish composed of two parts good, frank com.
mon sense, and enc part hearty, womanlv kind.
ness. But, if he belongs to the genus sirnig
which is, being interpreted, dandy, applv sof.
soap, laid on pretty thick, and he will be spre.
to last I'LL the next crop comes in, when Won
can easily get another Of the same soft. iust as
good.
Another aoGy.-Take him into the kitchen
the store room, the cellar, show him the prs'
serves, pickles, and all the nice things ,yonr
own fair hands Cor your mothers) have made
suggesting the anticipation of MANY sweet and
good things in years to come. ~ ~ 'GSi
When all other methods .fail.-Send for the
chairman of the committee on preserves.
pickles. and so forth, who will quickly put the
poor young man into pickle, which he villa
not quickly get out Of 70 =.
All OF which is most respectfully submitted.