The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1861-01-02
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
Eternity-An ocean without

Ni"S A" WV" "'N"'"' -
shore.
- Excess is incompatible with health
and happiness.
- The lady who fell back on her dig
nifty, came near breaking it.
When an actor brings down the
house, where does he take itl
At Newcastle the people must bs
youthful sat, for all are miners.
-" Come out of the wet" as the
shark said, when it took in the little fishes.
- Young lovers are called turtles,and
they are generally called green turtles.
- 1t has been ascertained that tho
man who held on to the last was shoe
maker
- When does the farmer act with
great rudeness towards his corn2' When
he pulls his ears.
- A traveller says that Mount Vesu-
vius never sleeps. 1t must be sleepy, for
il is always yawning
- If you were obliged to swallow
man, whom would you prefer to swallow!
A little London porter.
- An old bachelor says that during
leap year the ladies jump at every offer
Of marrioge-hence the term.
- To prevent the smell Of cooking in
the house, have nothing for breakfast, and
warm it over for dinner and supper.
= The young married couple who
thought they could live on love and moon
shine, find some virtue in baked beans.
- whats whiskey bringing" in.
quired dealer in the poison. "Bring-
ing men to the gallows,' was the reply.
- A iirt is like dipper attached to
hydrant-every one is at liberty to
drink from it, but no one desires to carry
it away.
= Pleasant--After writing n note in
hurry, you sieze hold of the inkstand
instead of the sand-box, and give it fin
ishing touch
- An Emeralder, in writing a sketch
Of his life, says he early ran away from
his father, because he discovered he was
only his uncle.
= A bashful printer refused a situa-
tion in printing Office where females
were employed, saying that he never set
mp with girl in his life.
- The darkest scene we ever saw was
darkey in dark cellar, with an extin-
guished candle, looking for n black cat
that was not there.
= Who were the first newspaper sub
scribers mentioned in Scriptures Cain
and Joshua; for Cain took (A)- Belts
Life, and Joshua ordered the San.
- A little boy asked the razor-strop
man if he could sharpen his appetite
The razor-sirop man at once stropped him
so severely that the urchin cut off.
= "Porter," asked an old lady, of an
Irish railway porter, "when does the nine
o'clock train leavew "Sixty minutes
past eight, num-" was Mikes reply.
- A henpecked husband writes: "Be.
fore marriage, | fancied welded life wo'd
be all sunshine; but afterward | found
out that il was all moonshine."
- The man who imagined himself
wise because he detected some typograph-
ical errors in a newspaper, has gone east
to get a perpendicular view Of the rain
bow.
- a cotcmporary speaks Of " the
graceful figures of childhood" Blinkins
says that the figures at the bottom of
childhood's shoe and clothing bills are not
so graceful.
-" Never be cast down by trihes,"
said DR.. s.; but soon after being
thrown upon his back by treading upon
a piece of orange peel, he slightly modi-
fed his advice.
- Deaf Lady" What's his name 2"
Young Lady" Augustus Tyler"
Deaf Lady" Bless me, what name,
'Bust-his Biler.' Eliza, you must be max
ing fun Of me-"
- Women are called "softcr SEX" be-
cause they are so easily humbugged.-
Out of one hundred girls, ninety-fvo wo'd
prefer ostentation to happiness-a dandy
husband TO a mechanic
= "Jo, how many scruplcs is there
in drachmT
"Don't know, zur."
"Well, remember, there's eight"
Eight, pooh, dad always takes his
without no scruples"
= A printer not long ago. being re-
jected by his sweet heart, went to the
nr;nt;no, offioa aud tried 10 cop,,,,;t e,,,