The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1861-07-04
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[From Vanity Fair.
Artemus Ward in the South.

Artemus Ward in the South.
I had a narrer scape from the Sonny
South. "The swings and nrrers Of
outrsiust fortin," alluded to by Ham
lick, warn't nothing in comparison Co
my troubles. I cum pcsky near swear
en- some proluno Oaths more'n onct but
7 bope | didn't do it, for I've promised
she who's name shall be namclcss (ex-
cept tua. her initials is Betsy j. that
I'll inc the meeting house at Baldins-
Vile lest as soon as [ can scrapo mon
ey enough together so l can ford to be
piuss iu good stile like my wealthy ma
bors. But if I'm condscatcd agin I'm
afraid | shall coutinner on in my pres
ent benghted state for some time;
fggered conspicuously in many
thrillin scenes in my Tower from Mont
gomery to my humsted, and on sevral
occasions | thought "the CRATE komic
paper" wouldn't never be inriched no
more with my lubricatons. After bid
den adoO to Jefferson D. started for
the depot saw niger sittin on
fence payin' on the banjo
"Mv Afrikin Brother" sed 1, cotin
from a Track I wonct read, you be-
long to a very iutercstin race. Your
masters is going to war exclusively on
your account"
Yes, boss, he replied can 1 wish
'om honorable graves3 and he went on
playin the banjo, lardn all over, an
openin his mouth wide enough to drive
ia an old fashioned 2 wheel shay.
The train of cars which was to
trust my wallerable life on, was the sea
liest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns
that 1 ever saw on wheels aiore.-
"What time does this string of second
hand cofins leave2" l inquired OF the
depot master. He sed directly, and L
went in and sot down. / hadn't more
fairly squatted aforo dark looking man
with q swinister expression onto his
countonanca entered the cars, aud look
ing very sharp at me, he asked me what
wus my principuls?
"Secesh" | answered. "l'm Dis
soluter. Tn in favor of jeff. Davis,
Bouregard, Pickons, Capt. Kidd, Bloc
beard, Monroe Edwards, the devil, Mrs.
Cunningham, aud oil the rest OF en-"
you're in favor Of the WARP
"Certingly By all means. I'm in
favor of this war and also Of the next
war for over sixteen yearsl'
"War to the knife" sed the man.
BLOOD, Fargo, bludl" sed l, tho
them words isn't origornal with me-
Them words was rit by Shakespeare,
who is ded. His Mantle fell onto the
author of "Thc Seven Sisters" who's
goin to have Spring oyercoat made
out Of it.
We got under way at larst, an pro-
ocedcd on our journey at about the rate
of speed which is ginerally obsarved by
properly conducted funeral purceshuns.
4 hanson yuug gal with a red mus
ketor bar on the back part uf her
he'd, and sassy little black hat tipt
over her forrod, sot in the seat with me.
She wore little Secesh hag pin'd onto
her hat, aud she was going for to see
her troo love, who had jined the south
ern army ali so bold and gay. So she
told me. She was chilly, and l offered
her my blanket.
Father liyin2' Taxed
eyes, sir"
"Got any Unoles2"
"a heep Uncle Thomas is ded,
tho"
"Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and
success to him will be your Uncle
Thomasl Lean on me, my pretty Sc
cesher, and linger a blissful repose"-
She slept as secoorly as in her own
house, and didn't disturb the solum
stiffness of he night with airy shore.
At the FIRST station q troop Of Sojers
entered the cars and inquired if "Old
Wax Works" was on bored. That was
tho disrespective stlo in which they re-
ferred to me. "Becawz if Old Wax
Works is on bored, SEE man with a
faoo like a double. breasted lobster,
"we're going to hang Old Wax Worksl"
"My illustrious and patriotic Bum
mers," SEE L, gettin up and taken OIL
my shappoo, oif you allude to A, Ward,
tis my pleasin dooty to inform you that
he's dod. He saw the error Of his ways
at IS minits past yesterday, aud stab
bed hisself with a stuffed sled.stake,
dyiu Eve beautiful tahlooS to SLOW moo