The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1861-03-16
ARTEMrs wARD A MONG TILE

ARTEMuS WARD AMONG THE SHAKERS
Artemus Ward, in this weeks Tanif,
Fair, gives some Of his experiences among
the Shakers:
lsot down to the table, and the female in
the meal bag poured out some tea. She sed
no,hin, and for FIVE mint. the only live
thing in that room was a old wooden clock.
which text in a subjood and bashful man
ner in the corner. This deaihly stiffness
made me Uneasy, and determined TO talk
to the female or bust. So seq Il
''Marrige is agin your rules, bleeye,
marin 2"
sYay."
"The sexes liv ssriekly apart, spect ?"
"Yay."
sits kinder singler,'' seq |. putin on nv
most sweetest look and speakin in winnin
voice, '.that so fair made as thow never
got hitched to sum likely feller." fN. B.
She was upward of forty. and homely as q
stump fence, but thawt I'd tickil her.
81 don't like men," she sed, very short.
"Wall, Dunno" seq |, '.they're rayther
importan, part of the populashun. don't
scacely see how We could git along without
'em.''
'Us poor wimmin folks would git along a
great deal better if there was no men.'
"1oull excuse me marin, but don't
think that air would work. 1t wouldn't be
regler.'
sim fraid Of men !" she said.
'That's unnecessary. marin. You ain't
in no danger. Don't fret yourself on that
pint.o
'.IIere we're shet out from the sinful
world. Here all is peas. Here We air
brothers and sisters. We DON'T marry, and
Consistently we have no domestic difficulties.
Husbans don't abooze their wives-wives
don't worrit their husbaps. There's no
children here to worrit US. Nothin to wor-
rit us here. No wicked matrimonv here.
Would thow like to be Shaker?
"No," SEE |, 'sit amt my stile.'
had now histed in as big load Of per-
yishuns as could carry comfortable, and,
leanin' back in my cheer, commenst pickin'
nv teeth with fork. The female went out,
leavin' me ali aicne with the clock. hadn',
sot thar long before the elder poked his head
in at the door. "Yo2're man Of sin 20 he
sed, and groaned and went away.
Direckly thar cum in two young Shaker
esses, as putty and slick lookin gals as ever
met. 1t is troo they was drest in meal bags
like the old one I'd met preyisly, and thar
shiny silk har was hid from sight by long
white caps, SIGH as spose female ghosts
wear but their eyes sparkled like diminds,
their cheeks were like roses, and they was
charmin enuff to make man throw stuus
at his grandmother, if they axed him to.
They commenst c.earin away the dishes,
castin shy glances at me all the time. !
got excited. forgot Betsy Jane in my
rapter, and SEE |, "lny pretty dears, how are
you ?"
ssWe mir WE'LL" they solemnly sed.
"Whar's the old man ?" sed !, in soft
voice."
"of whom dost thou speak-brother
Uriah %
81 mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls
me man of sin. Shouldn't wonder if his
name was Uriaf."
s.IIe has retired"
"Wall, my pretty dcars,' seq l, "let's
have sum fun. Let's play Puss in. the cor
ner. What say 20
"Air you Shaker sir ?" they asked.
"Wall, my pretty dears, haven't arrayed
my proud form in long weskt yit, but if
they was all like you perhaps Pd iine 'em.
They was full of fun. seed that at fust
only they was little skeery. tawt 'em
Puss in the corner and SIGH like phase. and
we had nice time. keepin quiet of course
so the old man shouldn't hear. When we
broke up, SEE |, ''my pretty dears, ear ] 60
you have no objections, hav you, to inner
sent kiss at paitin?"
"Yay," they sed, and yny'd.