The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1861-05-15
WHOLE NO. 239:


initials &C. S. a." m ans Cant Stand Abe
An Irish paper advertises, "Wanted, an
able bodied man AS washer-woman."
Height of coolncss-The topm ,st pima
Gle of Mont Blanc.
Come here Tom: "do you know your A.
3. C's?' "Yiz sur, know bee Sees"
We know poor fellow who takes the
palm in all his quarrels with his wife-She
slaps his face.
The first ingredient of conversation is
truth, the next good sense, the :hird good
humor, and the fourth is wit.
Let friendship creep gently to a height;
if it rush to it, it may soon run itself out
Of breath.
"Thc sweets Of adversity," as TIE fellow
said when he kissed maiden, after hard
struggle.
The newest definition of "hard times,"
is sitting on grindstonc, and reading a
politicians speech.
II will kiss yo., Eve" said the Father
Of us all, to our common mother. II don't
care, A dam If you do" she said.
A man often expresses the same idea by
wagging his head that dog docs by wag-
ging his tail.
1t has been decided that blind black
man, in dark cellar, with dark lantern,
looking for black cat, constitutes very
dark transaction.
When about to undertake, an enterprise,
stances will allow; but when the time has
come to act, stop thinking.
We should enjoy our fortune as we do our
heal,h-enjoy it when it is good. be patient
when it is bad, and never apply violent
remedies, except in extreme cases.
If you wish to get to heaven, pay cash for
what you buy. Debt leads as naturally to
lying, as the Fourth Of July does to Roman
candles and "Grcek" plug muses..
A PRETTY CoNcLusloN-Why must we
conclude, when seeing pretty female foot,
that it belongs to very handsome woman:
Because all's well that ends well.
Sweet Kate was heard one day to sing,
"With beauty lost I'd wish to die" "Oh,
no." said Tom, with humor quiet, mot wish
to dye but merely paint"
1t is great blunder in the pursuit Of
happiness not to know when We have got
it that is not to be content with a reason
able measure OF it.
Useful knowledge can have no enemies
except the ignorant; it cherishes youth,
delights the aged, is an ornament in pros
perity, and yields pleasant comfort in ad-
vcrsity.
1t is not wisdom but ignorance that
teaches men presumption. Genius may be
sometimes arrogant, but nothing is SO diff
dent as knowledge.
There's plenty Of ups and downs in this
life. Pendergast once ran for constable,
and the next day a constable ran for him.
The last run he got IN.
Never look at the girls. Oh no, they
can't bear to be looked at. They wear
their feathers, furbclows and frills, merely
to crafty mamma-that's all.
When we get tired of all the pleasures
within our reach, we can have an unlailing
resource K. thinking Of those that are out
Of it,
Creditors never annoy a man .s long as
he is getting up in the world. A man OF
wealth only pays his butcher once year.
Let bad luck overtake him, and his meat
bill will come in every morning, as regular
as breakfast and hungry children.
SUccEss.-Industry and economy arc in
dispensabc requisites Of success; but they
are not the only ones. A man may he ac-
tive and over economical, but he must
posses good judgment, or his economy will
be Of no avail.
An Irishman having been reduced to rders
shadow, by severe illness, was asked by his
physician what he thought of future state?
"Ah, DOCTOR was the answer, it makes no
ditfercnce-yees amt left enough Of me for
the devil to naturalizc, no how.
primogeniturc has advantages for the
first born. To the first child, when at three
years old it breaks plate, we say:.. Ibid
ON den; well, donee be frightened" The
second, on similar occasion we scold; the
third we turn out Of the room and the
fourth we whip.
plows, I sows, I reaps, I mows, gets
up wood for winter; digs, hoes, and
tatcrs grows, ard for aught knows I owes
the printer. do suppose all knowledge
flows right from the printing press; SO off
| goes, in tlrese ere clothes, to settle up-I
guess.
Harriet Martncsu, in her new book en-
titled, Health, Husbandry and Handi-
craft" says-''If halt the thought and
sentiment that are spent on the subject Of
death were bestowed on the practical duty
of strengthening, lengthening and enno-
bling life, we should be more fit to live
worthily and die contentcdly."
In Burmah, when young woman is in,
her parents agree with the physician that if
he cures her, he may have her for bis trou-
bic; but if she dies under his medicine, he
is is to pay them her full value. 1t is stat.
ed that some successful physicians have
large families Of females, who have become
their property in this manner.
A party Of rowdi in Vermont, "chari-
varied or ''horncd' newly married cou-
Pile. The bride appeared to take it in good
part, and invited them in the house, treat
ed them to bountiiul supply of cider
The after.result may be conceived, when
we state that she had mixed liberal quan.
tity of tartar emctic in the cider
Some one says, "If you know anything
that will make an.ther's h art glad, go quick
and tell it; but if it is something that will
only cause sigh, bottle it up, bottle it up
Some malicious scoundrcl has penned the
"Eve did not know rs much as
her daughters Of the present day. Had
they been in her place, instead of being de-
ceived, they would have deceived the de-
vil."
Whatever dirty shirtcd philosophers may
say to the contrary, hattcry is very fine
social thing; the beautiful handnaid Of life,
casting flowers and odoriferous herbs, in
the paths of men, who crushing out the
sweets, curl up their noses as they snuff
tn" odor, and walk half an inch higher to
heaven why hat they tread upon.
An old Maid hearing Of the contenplat-
cd marriage of Il young lady with a gentle
man who saved her at the sinking Of the
steamer Lady Elgin, remarked, It's very
affair, no doubt, but would
rather be drowned any time than to sit all
n rht long in my night gown with a vonn,y