Civilian & telegraph. [volume] (Cumberland, Md.) 1859-1875, 1861-06-27
ait auh Anmur.

The Wrong Rood.-'Where are you
going?' said n young gentleman to an
elderly one in white cravat, whom he
overlook few miles from Little Rock.
Il am going to Heaves, my son. L
have been on my way there for eighteen
years.
Well, goodbye, old fellow! Ifyou've
been travelling toward Heaven eighteen
years. and got no nearer to it than Ar
kansas, I'll take another route
Il advise you not 10 get married, said
middle aged man 10 one who was about
to be married. For if yon want to be
happy let the women alone; I was mar
ried about ten years, and saw but two
happy days during that time-the one
was when l got my wife, and the other
when she &ea
Don't care for that, said the other.
4 mean tt. have one HAPPY day then,
n: ary rate.
When woman gets new dress or
bonnet, You'll find that, for fortnight
afterwards, she will be more in the streets
and other peoples houses than at home.
A country school-master thus descri-
bes a money-lender:
He serves you in the present tense
be leads you in the conditional mood
keeps yon in the subjective--and ruins
you, in the future
Tick1e6 to Death. Boys, when they
arrive at age; girls, the first time they
lay their heads against vest pattern.
Mrs. Partington makes Shakespeare
say Sweet are the uses of Advertise
ments.' It's 30 if he didn't say it.
have always been astonished, said
Mrs. Smix' at the anxiety young girls
have for beaux, but never pittied fe-
male more then when Miss Mt fathers
left my school. Seeing her 'rapt' and
gazing toward the sky, asked her what
she was looking for
That beau, said she, which is told
of in Genesis, rs being set in tie cloud
I wish he'd come down
A pretty girl was lately complaining
to friend that she had cold, and was
very badly plagued in her lips by chaps.
Friend, replied Obediah, thee should
never suffer chaps to come near thy lips
If you are paying any particular at
tention to widow, ask her little daugh-
ter how her mother likes you, and you
will ascertain whether to continue your
visits or not.
Let friendship creep gently to height:
if it rush to it, it may soon run itself
out of breath.
'You want nothing, do your said Pat.
Bedad, an if it's nothing you want.
you'll find it in the jug where the whis-
key was
Down East they say. as soon as n
young lady is engaged 10 be married.
she suffers her finger nails to grow long.
so that in case she should be obliged to
throw herself ON her reserved rights, she
may come to the scratch with some pros
pect of success.
When you see a man ready to take tho
bread and butter out of neighbours
mouth satisfy yourself that he would sell
his soul for sixpence aud cheat the
devil in making change.
An Krishman at a QuaL,sr Meeting -
Paddy, attending Broadbrim conven-
ton for the first time, was much aston
ished and puzzled, withal, at the man
ner of worship. Having been told that
the brethren spake even as they wero
moved by the spirit he watched the
proceedings with increased disgust for
their 'haythen way Of worship till one
young Quaker arose and commenced
soemnly; Brethren, have married"
The divil ye hev.' interrupted Pat
The Quaker sat down in confusion, but
the spirit moving Pat no further, the
young man mustered courage, and sud-
denly broke ground again: 'Brethercn.
| have married a daughter of the Lord.
The divll ye hev that saiO Pat; but
it'll be a mighty long time before
you'll see your father-in-law.'
Out West they divorce husband and
wife, if either party snores so Loud thas
the other can't sleep.