Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1860-01-07
SHEETS ON MATR1MON NY.

California is responsible, as far we can
ascertain, for the following life experiences
1t is hlnted at as an extract from that fa-
nous romance, by nobody in particular,
called 1.-THE New York Fireman, or the
lierness of Bond Street" This remark
be work is generally supposed to be the
loint production of a number of literary
gentlemen, and was originally publishe
uniform with Appleton's Encyclopedia Of
Ignorance. In the extract, Sheets Jr., is
replying seriatim to the question:" Is
your family opposed to matrimony?' And
Sheets, Jr, replies:
wal, no, rather guess not, seeing as
how my mother has had four husbands,
and stands pretty smart chance of hav.
ns another"
-Four husbands? Is i. possible!'
80, yes, you see my mothers christian
name was Mehitabe Sheets, and dad S
name was Press; aud hen they got mar
ried the printers said curious things about
them. When | was born they said | was
the first edition. And you see, mother was
used to be the tanalast critter to go to
evening meetings. She used to 20 out
pretty late every night, and dad was afraid
I'd get in tho same habit, SO he used to
put me to bed at early candle light, cover
me up with pillar, and put me 10 sleep
with boat jack. Wal, dad had to get up
every night aud let mother in if he didn't
get down and open the door pretty darned
quick, when she come in he'd ketch
particular thunder; 50 dad used to sleep
with his head ont of the window, SOS to
wake up quick, and one night he got his
head little to far out and he slipped out
altogether, aud down dad kun. kahumix,
right down on the pavement, and smashed
him in ten thousand pieces
What. was he killed by the fall.'
Wal, 20, not exactly by the fall, ra,h
er kinder sorter guess as how i, was the
sudden fetch upon the pavement that killed
him. But man, she KUN hum and found
him lying scattered thar, and she had him
swept up together, and put in coffin, aud
had a hole dug in the burying ground and
had dad put in and buried up, and had a
white oak plank put up to his head, and
had it whitcwashed all over for tomb
Stone
$50 your mother was left poor lone
widow"
"Wall yes, she didn't mind that much
wasn't long before she married Sam Hide
You see she married Hide because he was
just about dads size and she wanted him
to wear out dads old clothes. Well, the
way old Hide used to hide me, was a eau
ton to my hide. Hide had leetle the
toughest hide except bulls hide. Wal.
one cold day, H:de got his hide 50 full Of
whiskey that he pitched head first into
snow, bank, aud there he stuck and froze
to death. So nam had him pulled out,
and then she had another hole dug in. the
hnrying groand, and had him buried, and
then she had another white oak plank put
at his head and white washed all over,
and -
$50 your mother was again a widow"
80. yes, but | guess she didn't lay
awake nights long to think about it for in
about three weeks she married John Strong
and he was the strongest headed cuss you
ever did see. He went fishing the other
day and got drowned, and he was so tarnal
strong headed, I'll be darned to tarnation
it he ddn't float right again de current,
MN 'Hty lAuia hDDub tHatS HiliSs ny
the strc am, and it took three yoke of oxen
to haul him out. Wal, nam had him bur
led alongside of tother two, and had
white oak plank put up at his head, and
white washed all over nice and so you
see. there's three on EN- all in a row"
And your mother was a widow for the
third time
Yes, but nam didn't seem to mind it
tarral sight. The next feller she married
was Hayes, and the way nam makes him
haze is caution, now tell YOU. If he
does anything leetle on, Of the way, nam
makes him take white wash brush and
go right up to de buryiny ground, and
white wash the three oak planks. Just to
let him know what he may come to when
she. planted him in the same row. and
got ma-red to the Gi,h husband So you
see, my family arm a tarnal sigh, opposed
to dose OF matrimony, no how.