The weekly pioneer and Democrat., 1860-04-13
miscellaneous Items.

UOrluS mduSlOH vi D-l TO measure
the laird for pair of shoes. The man, on
his return, thus addressed his employer
Master, whether is't guide manners, when
a gentleman ges ye glass O. whusky, to
TAX drap or drink aft the hail OF ?" The
master having, in homely phrase, judicious-
ly replied to this poser, that true courtesy
consisted in imbibing the whole, the man
exclaimed, with sigh of relief, "Then
Guide be thankit, was mannerly !"
Some wag lately took drunken fellow,
placed him in cofiin with the lid so that
he could raise it, placed it in graveyard,
and waited to see the effect. After a short
time the fumes of the liquor he sat upright,
and after looking around, be exclaimed
Well, I'm the fust that's riz, or else I'm
conioundedly belated I'
SHERIDAN being on parliamentary COM
mittee, one day entered the room as all the
members were seated, and ready to COM
mence business. Perceiving no empty seat,
he bowed, and looking round the table with
droll expression of countenance. said
d" Will any gentleman move that l may take
the chair ?"
CICERO was of low BIRTH and Metellus
said to Cicero, " Dare you tell your fathers
name ?" Cicero replied, Can your mother
tell yours ?"
IHE PROFESSOR" in late number of
the atlantic Monthly, "gets off the follow
ing clever epigram:
"Quoth Tom: Though fair her features be,
1t is her figure pleases me-
What may her figure be-? | cried:
One Hundred Thousand " he replied"
A SUBSCRIPTION paper was recently cir
culated through the congregation, with
this charitable object in view "We, the
undersigned do pledge ourselves to pay the
amount subscribed for the organist and
boy to blow the same"
A MAN met boy on horseback, crying
with cold. "Why don't you get down and
lead the horse?" said the man "that's the
way to get warm" "It's a b-b-borrowed
horse and I'll ride him if l freeze"
A WAC being asked the name of the in.
ventor of butter stamps, replied that it was
probably Cadmus, as he first brought letters
into Greece.
DEA. JONES has always been remarkable
for his meekness and uniform propriety of
conduct. On the occasion of militia
muster" the spirit OF the day produced such
an influence on the worthy Deacon that it
attracted the attention of the pastor and
some of his brethren. The pastor expressed
his astonishment, and asked the cause
"Why, pastor" replied the deacon, "you see
I've been constantly, iu season and out of
season, serving the Lord for the last twenty
years and | thought that, just for once, I'd
take day to myself"
A DELIGHTFUL LEGEND-There is
charming tradition connected with the site
On which the Temple of Solomon was
erected. 1t is said to have been occupied in
common by two brothers, one of whom had
a family the other had none. On this spot
was sown field of wheat On the evening
succeeding the harvest, the wheat having
been gathered in separate shocks, the elder
brother said unto his wife, .' My Younger
brother is unable to bear the burden and
heat of the day | will arise, take of my
shocks and place with his, without his
knowledge" The younger brother, being
actuated by the same benevolent motives,
said, within himself, I" My elder brother has
family, and have none will contrib
ute to their support will arise, take of
my shocks and place with his without his
knowledge" Judge of their mutual aston
ishment when, on the following morning,
they found their respective shocks undmin-
isbed. This course of events transpired for
several nights, when each resolved in his
own mind to stand guard and solve the
mystery. They did SO when, on the fol-
lowing night, they met each other half way
between their respective shocks, with their
arms full. Upon ground hallowed with
such associations as this was the temple Of
Solomon erected-so spacious and magnif.
cent, the wonder and admiration of the
world. Alas in these days, how many
would sooner steal their brothers whole
shock than add to it a single sheaf
A WORTHY Scotch couple, when asked
how their son had broken down so early in
life, gave the following explanation: "When
we begun life together, we worked hard and
lived upon porridge and such like, gradually
adding to our comforts as our means i'm
proved, until we were able at length to dine
of bit of roast meat, and sometimes
boiled chuckie, Chicken J but Jack, our
son, he worked different, and begun s0ah the
ehuetie first"
AN old streaker was accustomed to drive
the best horse and the costliest buggy in the
neighborhood. The crack Of his whip was
as alarming as the whistle of steam boiler.
But steam fails for want of fuel--and so did
"whip." Chancery, chancery. No remedy
but in chancery. Horse stopped--buggy
stopped-payment stopped. But soon, Oh
how soon, "whip" was seen again by his old
friends driving his own horse and buggy
the indentical team he had driven before.
GLOW now," said an old acquaintance
"the same horse and buggy again? l
thought you had been through chancery."
$50 have-but my horse and buggy went
round !"
The following alliterative acrostic is
gem in its way. Miss KITTY STEPHENS was
the celebrated London vocalist, and now is
the Dowager Countess of Essex:
S he sings so soft, SO sweet, so soothing still
T hat to the tone ten thousand thoughts there
thrill:
E lysian ecstacies enohant each ear