The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1860-12-25

". | went to sec it myself, havin' great
ikin' for marriages. The 'appy pair, as
may say, waited no time after; they're off TO
Scotland, Nam, 10y the Great Nothern.-
Mr.. Ross is to see to the sendin' out Of the
cards; and says he, tippin' me half crown,
like gentleman, as he is: Waiter says
he, 'run with these to Mrs. Somers; she has
the best right to the earliest intelligence, for
Mr.. Simington was her principal boarder.'"
From Vanity Fair.
ARTEMrs WARD VISITS sOLD ABE,
hiv no politics. Nary one. Pm not
in the dismiss. If was sposo should hol.
Ter versIirually in tn, streets at mite and go
home to Betsy Jane smelling Of kos lie and
jim, in the mornin. l should 90 10 the Poles
ary. should stay there aul day. | should
see to it that my nabers was thar l should
git carriages to take the kripples, the infrm
and tho indignant thar. | should be on
guard agin frauds and sch. should be on
the look out for the infamus lise Of the ene-
my, got up jes be4 elccshun for perlitical ef
feck. When all was over and my candydait
was elected, should move heving & arth-
so to speak-until | got orfce, which if l
did mt git orfice / should turn round & a.
booz the Administrator with all mi mite &
maine. But Im not in the bisniss I'm in
far more respectful bisnis nor what poller.
tics. woud'n Civ two sents to be Con.
gresser. The wuss insult | ever received was
when sertin citizens Of Baldlnsville asked me
to run for the Legislator SEE l, "My friends
dostest think stoup to that there!' They
turned as white as sheet. spoke in my
most orfullest toans, & they knoweG l wasn't
to be trfuled with. They skulked out Of
site at onct.
There's havin no poertics, made bold to
visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield.
found the old feler in his parlor, surround
cd by perfeck swarm Of orfce seekers
KNOWN he had been capting of flat boat on
the roarin Mississippy thought I'd address
him in sailor lingo, so sez /, "Old Abe,
Alloy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the
forecastle d throw yer jib-poop overheard -
SILVER my timbers. my heartyw IN. B.
This is genuine marinel langwidgs, | know,
becawz I've seen sailor plaizs acted out by
them New York theater felors. Old Abe
lookt up quite cross and sez, "Send in yer
petition by & by. can't possibly look at
it now. Indeed, can't. It's impossible
sirl'
''Mr. Linkn, who do you spect 1 airg'-
sed I.
"A orfcs seeker, to be sure!' sed he.
"Wall, sir" sed l, "you's never more mis-.
taken in your life. You hain't gut orfice
I'd take under no circumstances. Tn A.
Ward. Wax fggers is my perfeshun. I'm
the father of Twins, AMI they look like me
both of them. cum to pay friendly visit
to the President eleck Of the United States.
If so be you wants to see me say so-if not
say so, e. I'm orf like a jug handle"
"Mr. Ward, sit down. | am glad to see
you, Sir"
"Repose in Abraham's Buzzump sed one
of the orfce seekers, bis ides bein to git orf
COAX at my expense.
AVAIL" SEE l, "ef all you fellers repose in
that there Buzzum there'll be nifty poor nus
sin for sum of youv' whereupon Old Abe
buttoned his weskit clear up and busLt like
a maiden Of sweet l6. Just at this pint of
the convesashun another swarm Of office seek
ers arrove d. cum pin into the parer. Sum
wanted post orfices, sum wanted collector.
ships, sum wanted furrin missions, and all
wanted sumthin. 1 thought Old Abe woald
60 crazy He hadn't more than had time
to shake hands with 'em, be4 another trmen-
jis crowd cum pourin onto bis premises. His
house and dooryard was now perfeckly over
flow ed with orfice seekers, all clamuress for a
immeiit interview with Old Abe. One man
from Ohio, who had about seven inches of
corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old
A - a IDro- how,
of the Westv Thinks you want offs pur.
ty bad. Another man with a geld heded
cane and a r,d nose, told Old Abe he was
ga seckind Washington IL aud the Pride of
the Bouudliss West!'
Sez |, square, you wouldn't take small
post.o,fce if you could get it, would youi"
Sez he, "a patrit is ,buv them things now,
sir! y!
There's purity big crop of pairits this
season, ant thar Squarel" seq |, when anoth-
er crowd of offs seekers poured in. The house
ioor.yard, barn d woudshed was now all full
and when another crowd cum told 'em not
to 60 away for want Of room as the hog-pen
was still empty. One patrit from small
town in Myshygan went up on top Of the
house, got into the chimney and slid down
into the parler whar Old Abe was endevsrin
to keep the hungry pack Of offissseekers from
cbawin him up alive without benefit of cler-
gy. The mint he reached the fire place he
jumpt up, brusht the SCOT out Of bis eyes,
and yelled: "Don't make any pintment at
the Spunksville postoflice till you've read my
papers. All the respectful men in town are
sgncrs to that there dockyment~
"Good Godp cride Old Abe, "they cum
upon me from the skze down the cnimneys,
and from the bowels of the ysarthl' He
hadn't moro than got these words out of his
deIikt mouth before two fat ofiiss-seekers
from Wisconsin, in cndea,orin to crawl atween
his legs for the purpuss Of applyin for the
towlgaitship at Milwaky, upset The President