Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1860-01-31
Artemas Ward, the happy Father ofTwins.

| Dear Surs:-l take my pen in hand to inform
yu that line IN state Of CRATE bills & trust these
lines will lind yu injoying the same blessins.-
line reguyenated. I've found the immorkal wa
ters OF youth, SO TO speak, and am as timber and
frisky as a yer old stear, and in the futur them
boys which sez ''go up cid bawld hed' to me
will do so at the Perrill of their hazard ndivid-
ooally line powerfully happy! Heaps of JOY
has descended upon me to act and feel like a
bran new man. Sometimes | arsk myself, lis
1t not a dreams" u suthin within myself sez sit
air." but when | look at them sweet little crit
ters l know ii is realle, ty-2 reallerties may
sa-& [ feel gay. Theirs considerable human
! natur in a man, arter all.
| returned from the summer Campane with
my unparalleled show of wax works and living
wild Beasts of Pray, in the erly part of this
month. The people of Baldwinsville met me
cordially and iinmejittly commenst resting my
self with my fsrinly. The other mite while
wos down TO the tavern tostng my shins agin
| the bar-rOom ire d amusin the crowd with sum
| of my adventures, who should cum bare e-headed
and terrible excited but Bill Stokes; who sez,
sez he, old Ward, there's great doins up at your
| house.
SaE /, ssViliiam bow SO q
| Sez he, It's CRATE doins, and then he larfed
as if he'd kill himself.
| Sez / rising and putin on an austeer look,
| William, wouldn't be a fool If had common
cents.'
| But he kept on larfn till he was black in the
| face, when he fell over onto the bunk where the
hoster sleeps, & ina whispering voice sed, twins
| ashure yu, gents, that the grass didn't grow
under my feet on my way home, q | was tollered
by an enthusiastic throng of my teller siterzuns
who hurrard for Old Ward at the top of their
| voices. found the house chuck full of people.
There was Miss Squire Baxter and her three
grown up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taber-
thy Ripley. yonng Eben Parsuns, Deakun Sim
mons folks, the Schoolnaster, Doctor Jordin,
etsettery, etsettery. Mrs Ward & Miss Squire
Baxter was mixin suLhin in dipper before the
fire, and small army of female wimin were
rusIin wildly round the house with bottles OF
camtire, peaces of fannil &C. | rusht out and
seaeed my duble barrild gun.
sWot on airtL ails the man 2 sez Taberthy Rip
ley. 'Sakes alive, what air you adoln 2 u she
grabbed me by the coat-tales. 'Wot's the mat
ter with yu9' she continued.
Twins, marm,' sez |, 'twns!
L know it, sez she, GOVERN her face with
her aprun.
WALL sed !, that's wot's the matter with
me-
wall, put down that air gun, you pesky old
TOOL sed she.
No, marm,' sez |, this is nashunal day
I! The glory OF this here day issent confined to
/ Badwnsviile, by burned site. On yonder
woood-shed,' sed |, drawin myself up to my tull
hite and speakin in show-action voice, will |
ire a nashunal ssloot!' sayin which / tared my
selt from her grasp and rusht to the top OF the
she'd where blazed away until Squire Baxter >
hired man and my son Artemas Juneyer, come
and took me down by name force.
/ ~. L. at,, o,,fo
lot OF people seated bed the fire, talking that
| event over They made room for me and sot
down.
Quite eppsode sez Doctor Jordin, litin his
! pipe with red hot cole.
'Yas,' sed l. 2 eppisodes, waing about l8
pounds jintly.
"A perfect coop de tat said the schoolmaster.
/ Il pIuribus nau.n, in proprietor persony, sed
| |, thinning lde let him know l understood turin
| landwedges as well as he did, If wasn't ii
schoolmaster.
Its momentous event. sed young Eben
Parsnns, who had been quarters to the Akad-
emy.
i never heerd twins called by that name a.
fore, sed |. but l spose lis all rite.'
! we shall soon have Wards enutf;' said the
editor of the Baldwinsvle Bugle OF Liberty,
who was looking over bundle of exchange pa
pers in the corner, to apply to the legislators tor
city charter
Good Tor yu old mani sed |, give that air a
consplcklus place in tho next Bugle.'
How ridlcklus = said pretty ousan Fletcher,
coveren her face with her knitting work ana
latin like all possesst.
Wall, tor my part,' sed Jane Maria Peasly,
who is the crossest old made in the world, i
think yu all act ike pack OF fools.
| Sez l, Miss Peasley are yu parentT
Sez she, No | aint.'
Sez |, Miss Peasley, yu never will be-
| She lett.
We sot thar larfn & talkin until the switch
in hour OF mite, When graveyards yawn u Gosts
troop 4th,' as old Bill ohakepire aptlee observes
in his dramy of John Sheppard, Esq, or the
Moral House Breaker, when we broke up and
| disbursed.
| Mother & children is doin well u as ResO
lutions is the order of the day, feel obleeged Ii
yuls insert the tollrln-
Whereas, two Eppisodes has happened up IL
the undvrsiueds house, which, Is Twins; beln o.
the mail perswashun and both boys, there4
Belt
Resolved, that to them naburs who did the
fare thing by said Epplsodes lny heartfelt tnanks
is doc.
Resolved, that do most heartily thank En-
CINE Cumpany Number II, who, under the I'M
preston from Ll6 IuSS aL my uousS Ou tia
hauspicious nite that there WAS a konhagrasbul
goin on, KUN galyantly to the spot, but kindly
retrained from squlrtln.
Resolved, that from the Bottom Of my Sole
do | thank the Baldwinsville brass band 10
given up the idee Of Sarnadin me both on tina
CRATE mite and since.
Resolved, that my thanks is doc to severa
members of the Badwnsyllle meetln house
who tur three dase hain't kalled me a sInIu
skotfer or intreeted me to mend my vase an'
line said ineetin house to Onct.
Resolved, that my buzzum teams with man,
kind emoshuns lords the tUllerln individuals, T.
whit. namelee-Miss Squire Baxter, who Jener
GUS retoosed to take a sent for bottle OF CAIN
fire; lawyer Perkinses vile who writ sum verse
on the Eppisodes; the Edeter Of tie Baldwlns
Vile Bugle of Liberty, who nobly assisted me Il
wolupn my Kangaroo, which sagashus ittl
: cuss seriously disturbed the Epplsodes by out
raious schreechins and kickins up; Miss HIRAM
Doolittie, who kindly furnlsllt SUN cold viite a
nv house & the Peasleys, Parsunses and Wat
sunses fur their manney AK OF kindness.
Trolley Yures,
ARTEMAS WARD.
QUALIFYING HIMsELF.-The London Quarterl
for July has the following story:
A native of one of the South Sea Islands wen
to Missionary desiring baptism. On his cor
fession that he had two wives, be was told tha
he could not receive the sacrament until
: should promise TO be contented with one. ID
retired without asking further explanation
| "A * RI re