The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1860-12-07
Artemus Ward Visits Brigham Young.

MY deslre was 10 eXnlDlt my great snow
in Salt Lake City, so called on Bringham
Yung, the great mogul amoung the NOR
minis, and axed his permishun to pitch my
tent and unfurl my banner to the jentle
breezis. He lookt at me in austeer man.
ner for few minits, & sed,
"DO you bleeve in Solomon, st. Paul,
the immaculatenes of the Mormin Church
and the Latterday Reverlashuns?"
SEE l, ''ime on it'll" make it pint to
git along pleasant, tho didn't know what
under the Son the old teller was driven at.
He sed I mite show.
"You air marrid man, Mistur Yung,
bleeye?" SEE /, preparin to rite him sum free
parses.
II hev eighty wives, Mr.. Ward, SER
tainly am married"
"How do you like it as far as you hev
got?" sed 1.
Me sed "middlin," and axed me wouldn't
1 like to see his farmerly, to which I replied
that wouldn't mind minglin with the fair
Seek & Barskin in the winnin smiles of bis
interestin wives. He accordingly tux me
to his Scareum. The house is powerful big
& in exceedin large room was his wives
and children, which lars twas squawkin and
hollerin enuff to take the roof rite orr the
honse. The wimin was of all sizes and
ages. Sum was pretty and sum was plane
sum was helthy & sum was on the Wayne
which is verses, tho SIGH was not my inten-
shuns, as 1 don't prove of putting verses in
Prose riting, tho eff occashun requires l can
Jerk Poim ekal to any of them Atlantic
Muathly fellers.
"My wives, Mister Ward" sed Yung.
"Your sarvent, marms," sed I, as I sot
down in cheer which red heded female
brawt me.
"BeSides these wives you see here, Mister
Ward" sed Yung, II have eighty more in
varis parts of this consecrated land which
air Sealed to me-" O.
(which" SEE I, gettin up and starein at
him.
"Sealed, Sir, sealed"
"Where bowts?" sed I.
81 sed, Sir, that they was sealed !" He
spoke in traggerdy voice.
"Will they probly continue on in that
stile to any great extent, Sir" axed.
"Sir," said he, turnin as red as billed
beet, don't you know that therules of our
Church is that I, the profit, may hev as
meny wives as I wants ?'
| "Ges so," sed. "YOu air old pie, ain't
| your"
"Them as is Sealed to me-that is to
say, to be mine when I wants unfair al
present my sperretooul wives" sed Mister
Yung. "
"Long may they wave p SEE I, seen
shood git into scrape eff I didnent look
out.
In privit conversahum with Brigham
lernt the follerin fax; 1t takes him six weeks
to kiss his wives. He don't do it only onct
yere & SEE it is wuss nor cleanin house
He don't pretend to know his children
thare is so many of um, tho they all know
him. He SEE about every child he meets
calls him par, & he takes it for grantid il
is so. His wives air very expensiv. Thay
alters want suthin, & Ell he don't buy it fol
um thay set the house in an uproar. He
SEE be don't hev minits peace. His wives
fte amung theirselvs so much that he has bill
fitin room for thare speshul benefit, &
when too of um git into row he has uu
turned loose into that place, where the dis
poot is settled accordin to the rules of tht
London prize ring. Sumtimes thay aboo;
hisself Individually. Tbay hev pulld tn
most of his hair out at the roots & be ware
meny horrible scar upon his body, in
flictid with mop-haDdles, broom-sticks &
SIGH.
Occasionally they git mad & scald hin
with bilin hot water. When be got eny waz
cranky they'd shet him up in dark closit
previsly whippin him arter the stile o
mothers when thare orfspriDgs git onruly
Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay'
20 2 the banks Of the Lake & steal all hi
close, thereby compellin him to sneek hcm
by circuitious rowt, dresst in the Skan
derlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. II find tina
the keers Of a marrid life way hevy ont
me-" sed the Profit, " and sumtimes wis
Ide remained singel." l left the Profit an
startid for the tavern WHARF I put up tt
On myfway ! was overtuk by large krow
of Mormips, which thay surrounded me
statid that thay was going into the Sho'
free. e..e If eees 9q
"Wan," sez 1, "ef find q individot
who is going round lettin folks into thi
show free, lie let you know"
uWo,vo hod q Rovolaahnn hiddin no n