Des Arc citizen., 1860-05-05
For the Des Arc Citizen.I 1hla a HARDsCRABBLE PAPERS
VoLuMe L.. .NuMbrR l

ltVhshW ShtS Wcchs toi -t''hS VII" D"Si'''S'' such small and pinching shoes; he is thank full though to the almighty shaperof onr ends (feet). that his sanctity and incognito are still among the things which are to be developed He still preserves his head as memorial to departed reason, is in state of convaiescence and with the exception of few birdshot in his back-presented by friend while robbins his turkey pen-would be as Yon found him some time since, self conceted bachelor in his dotage. i
 Although my reputation. and indeed my head, though valueless to me. were endangered; I have been very assiduous in ferretting out the wrongs done to and by the old stags along the coast, as you would have it, of the dark and shining Wa tensaw.
 We have undertaken great many things which we have failed to carry out, some of which we despair of ever succeeding in, with out your excellent assistance. While < as the curfew" or cowbell, which ever it may be, was sadly tolling the knell of parting day we were vending our weary way, as well as we could, through the fog of buffalo gnats (quite NATURAL that was beset by them being an old FoGY) to the house of one of many bach friends. We found said stag at the front gate with his hat off; we were alttle puzzled to imagine the cause as the sun was quite hot or warm--even at that state oe the chronome- ter. On riding np cautiously, I was even more taken back at finding him greasing his head with tar and grease. Upon questioning him as to his object, I Was led to understand contra ry to his will, that the gnats pestered him a great deal, and thinking that what kept gnats off horse would keep them off calf and he was induced to try the experiment. This was our version of it. He denied all such in situations and earnestly protested that he had been, he did not know how long, greasng his horse at the same time his mind was harrass- ed with bitter thoughts suggested by the green eyed monster, with regard to a young lady, His horse tiring of standing so long, he sup posed left him, and he, in pure absence of mind transferred his hand to his head and continued the operation. We are slightly ir- clined to doub. his views, however, as we are firmly convinced that our version was correct, for upon examination, Fve found his cranum entirely devoid of that capillary substance given us by our creator to hide our ignorance tor protect us against the mosquitoes. This Thair, Mr. Editor. could not have come off at one smearing, and l concluded from obserya- tion and by long chain of abstruse reason | ing that he had contrary to the laws of nature and the dictates of his own concience used the tar and grease an antidote for gnats. l reasoned with him for sometime and at last brought him to the mark. he acknowledged. I then simply suggested that l could furnish him with the recipe of a brother bach for keeping the hair in beautiful state, and at the same time preserving the peace and quiet of the commonwealth which inhabits the gar- ret of this mortal coil It was simply this. every morning on getting up take teaspoon full of lard and two -spoonful's of whis- key Buck's), one halt ounce of mercurial ointment--mix the ointment and lard we'll to- gether; drink the whisky at one swallow and without groan, and rub the other ingredi- ents into the head with red corn cob and brick dust. The same kind of cob is pre- scribed to be used with soft soap and sand, | for seven year itch by one of our WattensaW Doctors. I fear that my sympathies have mastered me, and have excited too much pity for this fallen piece of humanity We will have to now review rapidly the few re- mainng individuals, and prepare ourselves in future to suggest plans of remedying the evil l effects of the secluson and sourness attend ant upon bachelors existerce, as well as de- | {. ic brewing among the female portion of the | population in our district, as well as the stung bachelors. They are doubling on us, but let them beware--if both come out the big end l of the horn it will be neck and neck or proba- l bly, s heel and toe.'' fd ao lsalH
 | A very prominent member of our commu- nifty, disciple of Esculapius, in his round of visits was some time since crossing Watten- saw, when the idea for the first time struck him that he was worthless to humanity; that most of his patients had long since found the end of the boLtomless pit-many of whom also owed him their death fee. Said idea struck him with such force as to knock said doctor off of said bridge. His head was \ shortly after seen to emerge from the water and on reaching shore he found his courage ooled, but intimated that he thought it most too cool yet to drown, and when he did go he wished his pin bags. and wished to leave an order for medicines for me to bring when came down; he did not have the money ius then, but when brought the medicines down he would give me check on the BANKS oi WATERWAY, where his sulphurous and most inhamable majesty was in the habit of nego tiating. The bach's on Wattensaw are now afforded rare and exciting, and at the same very odd mode of killing time. It is very common in the East, but seldom heard of z il this our Western Land.o l refer to 'th' Tiger hunt" A very interesting specimen oi humanized dirt-I am led to believe, on on' . of these hunts followed the object of hi search to one of our large cities-there los ing the trailed Aedgling of the genius ostrich Hyrcan tiger he had pursued, and after many unsuccessful herculean attempts was left alone and like the little boy when run over b. the calf-had nothing more to say As Wa going on to say, the smoke lies too close t , the ground not to have storm; feel i