Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1860-02-04


over mops and falls into slop-pails, and cats his
dinner in corner of the kitchen, while the in
domitable wife is charging, at the head of
brigade of washers and sweepers, upon spccks |
of dust that she suspects may have settled in |
various parts Of tie house.
Mrs Balaam is not beautiful at this sea on ;
but she hopes Christian wives and mothers have .
something better to do than to be ornamental |
sticks of candy.
Baaam feebly suggests little excursions into
the country. "My dear Balaam," she replies, /
stopping upon the stairs with faded handker-
chief wound about her bead, a limp morning
wrapper upon her person, and odd gloves with /
holes in them on her hands, which hold the one
duster and the other broom, "my dear Ba-
aam, could you sleep comfortably if you knew
YOU had run away like a coward, from house
which was n heap of nm!
Balaam sinks into silence under an over
whclming sense of universal dirt, and in com
plcte confusion of mind and false perception
of prophecies, wipes his clean shoes carefully
upon the mat as he goes out at the front door
into the street.
When the Spring cleaning is over, the indeta-
tigable Mrs Baaam repoSes her hands and her
feet, but no, her eyes nor her mind. They are
busly engaged in spying out new contamina-
tions of that household purity, and devising
fresh campaigns against dirt. Then, as il still
painting from the Spring cleaning, she suddenly
summons all her forces and begins "to pu, her
things to lights for the summer
This process Is one of bang and bagging.-
In early June, the parlor furniture looks as it
it were all going to bed. The chandeliers and
candeabras have on nighi-caps. ard the easy
chairs and lounges. baggy nightgowns. The
pictures are tucked up behind mu>quito-netS.
and the clock, muilied in gauze, stops and sleeps
The mating is put down. and then comes an
other change. The odor Of the straw i, foreign
and sickly 1t suggests the East Indies and
clcphantiass; and suddenly The whole parlor,
in that cold, dreadful odor, becomes hospital.
and the chairs, louu5, Is and clock are all in long
bea-gowus, with hi.hll4 di,.ls,
When the hi lcou, effort is nplctcd. Mrs
Bal1am declares that Balaam must tik, her IN
to the country tnr fresh air. Banam does not
resist. lie is carried - ru.roal stations and
engages in ita ul quarrel> with vorterN, merely
because Mrs BiApm stand, by among The boxes
and trunks. holding the family umbrella AMI he
prefers to settle with the porter at any ri>A.
rather than with Mrs Il. The same scene takes
place at the steamboat landings. But Baaam
weakly thanks his stars that Mrs B. prefers to
settle the fare with the hack men herself. With
an imbecile sense of relief on the>. occasions,
the poor PROSTATE BalAam says to her. with fee
blc jocularity, MY dear, YOU are the only fair
thlt the coachman can't settle
They go into the country. The house lies
under the warm side of a hill There are no
trees. The BALKAN bedroom is ten fee, by tf-
teen with double bed in it, and the trunks
about the floor. There are Wallpaper shades
over the windows. in which the July sun ueStles
all the day long. There is fried pork and heavy
home -mIde bread for breakfast and venerable
boiled beef and cabbage for dinncr-"hearty,
IA u ,t
wltering-place kick-shaws." BAlllm bleats
mild protests at intervals and lately as he was
StrOliing along the dusty road, hutIine a cotton
umbrella with one hand to shield him from the
sun, with the other brlndshing cotton hand
kerchiei about his browS TO wipe the eXuding
moisture, he met friend from town going on
10 the Sea->horc.
"Ah, Baaam, my boy, how do you like your
lodging"
b., who has vague sense of the omnipres
cnce of Mrs b., and always speaks aS in her
dread hearing, answered;
"Oh. very well"
"Well,' said his lugubrious friend, IL should
think, ii YOU were not eaten up with the mus
quitoes, did not come down with the fever and
asuc, or the bilious fever, OF the gastric fever,
or the low slow country fever-and if YOU dared
to be out in the evening, or sleep with your
windows open, or 20 in to bathc-it might be
quite tolera5lc, only it must be internally hot,
of COURSE"
Mr. Balaam rose one morning with the firm
ness of despair. and said, with careless semi
resolute air, to his wife,
My dear, think | shall smoke cigar"
"Nery well, Mr. Baaam, as there is no spare
room in the house, you will have to sleep in the
barn.
He did not sleep in the barn; but he dream
ed all night Of being rolled up igh, in a piece
OF straw mating which smelt of Manila dis
eases, and OF being scrubbed hard, ON his de
fenceless face, by the energetic mop of Belinda
Balaam.
|, who thank my stars that ! am jolly old
bachelor, and who am the individual YOU see
dancing every polka, every evening at every
hotel i'll Newport, who have no wife nor family
but that cigar and book, to which YOU have
probably never heard any bachelor allude-l
often wonder how it happened; how he came
to he married.
That form of asking the question is little
painful to me, but it is quite rons y impressed
: upon my mind, and YOU shall know why.
am, in fact bald. The fimily hair fall, out
early, and my head shines, at this moment like
a huge ostrichs egg. In church on Sundays,
usually leave glove on the top of my head
to protect 1t from draughts for hate the falsi-
ty of wig. Before Balaam removed into his
present house, which it is Mrs Balaams pride
to keep clean, we boarded together, and took
pleasure IN TOYING with an only child of theirs,
who, am de,outiy thankful, has been since re-
moved to dI ant boardug-sch1ol.
One evening balaom Usned me to tea. Now,
though bald, WAS not old | was mariagenhe
yet; could still sigh and sing, and my toilet
was choice and exact The company was not
large, and it was silent. | have noticed that
the Baaam parties are in word, dreadful