The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-09-12

as follows:
Which is the best time for going
west spring, or autumn 4"
The best time for going west is
when you have the most money about
you, and the least fear of loosing it.
If you come in the spring, you are
sure to shake yourself to death with
ague before fall. If you come in the
fall, you may live until spring if you
don't freeze to death before. If you
come at all you had better get your
stomach lined with waterproof ce-
ment, so as to be able to digest corn
bread, bacon and whiskey for this is
all we have, except a few French frogs
and bilious looking tadpoles, which
we catch when the river runs down
Second qeustion-" What part of
the west is the best to emigrate to,
taking into consideration the healthi-
ness of the climate y
A variety of opinions about that my
dear fellow, Our Senator, Mr.. Dong
las, says Nebraska is the best. So it
is, if You want to go into the stock
business, raising an unruly kind of
mixed cattle, that will stray to Canada,
in spite of compromises of 1920, 1880,
or Senator Douglas Or, if you want
tospeculate in pappooses, white scalps,
and get yonr own scalp taken off Sci
entifically, go to Nebraska, by all
means. If yon want to play poker
for living, or set mp whiskey drink
ing for business, live on corn bread
and bacon on week days, and slippery
elm bark and tadpoles on sunday, come
to Illinois If you want to go where
they have no Sundays and nothing to
eat, only what is brought from the east,
go to Iowa or if you want to go to
grass, go on all fonrs, and do as the
cattle do, go to Salt Lake
Third question" Does the fever
and ague prevail much in Wiscon-
sin ?O
OF course 1t does. Nobody ont
west is fool enough to ask such qnes-
ton. Everybody shakes, even the
trees you can't coax a crab apple to
stay on when it is good for anything !;
it will shake man out of doors, and
shake the bedstead at him until he
gives itup.
Fourth question" How long does
a presumption hold good 2"
That depends on circumstances IF
you have a good rife, and know how
to use it, you have one chance in ten
that You can't stand fire, but if not a
good shot and quick one, take my
word for it, you had better tsrry in
Jerico until your beard be grown; they
are all much too smart for you up in
that neck of woods.
Fifth question" Is land to be had
in the northwest of Ohio for 81 ,25 per
acre, and is it good 2"
That's all fudge, got up by specula-
tors to gull some green horn like yon
and me, for to the hest of my knowl-
edge and belief, Ohio was worn ont
ten years ago. The whole business of
the railroads is to carry persons who
have been fools enough to come west.
All the roads are doing this winter, is
carrying dirt into Ohio out of Michi-
gan to raise a few beans and oats, to
keep the folks from starving to death
next summer.
As to the land in the north western
part of Ohio, it is eighteen inches I'M
der water the most Of the year, and
viii probably be worth ST ,25 per acre,
when water snakes and copper heads
bring as mueh per barrel in the New
York markets as potatoes are worth
in Alton
And lastly he wants reliable infor-
mation-a short article in your paper
relating to the subject-and he wants
to go to healthy location, decent
land, and fair water
lfxaetly! Why my dear sir, there
is no such thing as reliable information
out west, unless you pay wen for it,
A lawyer won't tell the truth unless
you give him FIVE hundred dollars, and.
then you can't believe half he says.
A witness won't tell the truth in
court unless you first scare him half
to death and make him swear he won't
lie, and then neither he nor anybody
else Knows whether he tells the trnth
or not. The preachers and all call us
an inveterate set of sinners, but from
what ! have written, yon must know
we are a pretty good sort of people
If you ask miss of stout, bloom
ing sixteen for kiss, she petishly says
no, when everybody knows she means
yes of course
On the whole, if you feel obliged by
our short article, /" so dol. IT you
want to go to healthy land. stay
and don't be fool, like myself, and
como out west And as for decent
land, why my dear fellow what do You
mean ? You must know that all our
wild prairie is very indecent, especi-
ally when it's burnt over and left az