Mountain Democrat. [volume] (Placerville, El Dorado Co., Cal.) 1854-1860, 1860-02-04
From" Once Week.
How an Advertisement got a Wife.

u
modern novelist Of high standing but, with
every respect for his authority, beg to say
it was quite the contrary in my case.
Twenty -onc years ago, ] was sitting by my
iireside, totting up innunerable pages Of my
bachelors housekeeping book, taking cxer.
else in arithmetic on long columns Of petty
cash"-eomprisin items for carrots and Bath
bricks, metal tacks and mutton chOpS-until,
tired and weaTied, ] arrived at the SUN total,
and jerked the book on the mantle piece
Nearly Ht the same time placed my hand in
the pocket Of my drcSSing-gOwn, drew out n
leather case, and lit principe. Well, having
lit the principe, placed my feet on the fender
and sighed, exhausted by my long job Of do
mestic accounts. was then in business
twas n small wholesale business then, It's
large one nOw-yet the mornings tOttng of
carrots and Iiath-bIicks, Of metal tacks and
mutton chops, would tire me thousand times
more than twenty four hours Of honest ledger
work. ! sighed, not from love, but from Ia.
Dor; for, to tell you the truth, had never
been in love. Is this to go on forcYery thought
!, as | took INV third whiI and looked
drcamily through the thin smoke Ms it ascend.
ed between me and large print Of the cap
turc nG Gibraltar which hung over the chin.
ney-piece Am ! to spend my prime in tot
ting up parsnipS, and computing carrots, and
comptrUlling washing bills? sighed again,
uud, in thrHrt, utf flew the button of my neck.
band, as though some superior power had sent
the accident 10 remind NE Of my hcirtcsSncSs.
The button settled the business; though as
it slipped down the inside Of my shiTt, and
passed with its mOthcr'O' pearl cOldncss over
my heart, it for moment threatened to chill
my matrimonial resolution. Irittied my own
lonely state, and pity, We know, is akin to
love. But how was the matter to he accom-
plshedE Most men at my age would have
already adjusted their inclination TO some OBJ.
icct; so that having made mp their mind and
counted the cost, little more would have re-
nained to he done than to decide upon the
, day aud lay hold upon the license. This,
however, was not the case with me. had
been too much occupied, too idle, or too indo-
lent to devote the time or mHke the effort to
form an attachment" 1t was through no
! disinclination or difficulty to be pleased for
had any young lady of moderately agreeable
! powers taken the trouble, she might have
married me long ere then. | should even
have been grateful tO her for taking the
: trouble off my hands, but was too basllful to
adopt the Initiative
} was bashful man. This weakness came
; from the same cause as my Uncle TOby's-
namely, n want Of acquaintance with female
! society, which want arose from another cause
: i'm my case-nanely, too close an application
5 to business.
/ Accordingly, I thought Of an advertisement;
, yet with no practical design Of doing business,
but, as persuaded myself, for joke. So
l scratched with pencil on the back Of letter,
the following:
r "WAxTED a WIFE.-None but principals
need apply. The advertiser does not require
} cash, but only companion. lie is six-and.
twenty, and, tired Of single, he thinks he can
settle down to married life. As men CO. he
believes he has a moderate share Of temper
and want Of time is the only reason for having
recourse to the newspapers. lie has enough
means for himself and second party, and is
willing to treat at once. lie is quite aware
that great many attempts to convert his hon
est intention into an cxtravngAnt joke will bc
? made, but he warns all rash ntrudcrs. Ifht
finds n man hardy enough to make sport o.
I his affections, he will thrash him--if woman
he will forgive her. He has heart for the
sincere, horscwhip for tho impertinent. Ir
either case all applications will be promptly
attended to- il addressed 10 y. T., to the ollicC
Of this paper"
, felt proud Of my composition, and pufTed
, away my principe with vague glcc and antic
, ipation of something coming out Of it. haC
no very great idea that anything but fun wOulC
result; aud certainly had not the slightest
{ notion Of involving myself in personal col
= liSion with any one. Still, the presentiment
that it was not destined to be all barren Joke
pressed upon me. On Saturday the advcr
|, tiScmrnt appeared, and heard its style can
vaSSed by all my friends, and it was iokingly
suggested by more than one, that was tht
, domeSticaly destitute individual who put il
forth.
On Monday morning sent boy to tn,
y newspaper office for r. P.'s letters. expect
r cd he might be followed by some curious and
r inQuiSitivc persons so | told him on his way
back to call at n bachelor neighbor's of min,
I for IA book. The trick told The lad was fol
lowed by some persons who never lost sigh
I of him until they run him to my friends, nnC
: then they went back and announced that he
! was the advertiser. ] thus discharged in ful
n one or two practical jokes which my neghbors
Z had played upon me.
The answers were of the usual character
i several seeking to elicit my name, and still
r more Suggesting places Of meeting. where
was to exhibit myself with flower in M,
$ button.hole aud white handkerchief in m,
4 hand. One only looked like business. 1t wa
{ from lady, proposed an interview in a neigh
a boring city, about forty miles north. Sh,
a said there was something so frank and stragh
r forward in my advertisement, that she wa!
;, convinced that it was real, and she could RELY
upon my keeping her name secret if. after w
c met nothing came Of the meeting. She woult
., therefore see me at the --, at OF
, certain day, and if mutual appreciation dit
I not follow the interview, why there was NJ
4 harm done. Most people would have put th
! down MS trap to give me journey for moth
ing. did not A preScntiment impelcd IN,
to accept and keep the engagement
This was in old coaching days, when maj
had time to make an acquaintance in fort,
h miles, not as now, when you are at your jour
s neyS end before you heve looked round YOU
: company in railway carriage There wer,
Y but two inSiders-myself aud q pleasant, talk
< alive, honest-faced, elderly gentleman. Shy
/, and tlmid in female society, was yet esteemed
c animated and agreeable enough amongst nv
Q own sex. We had no trouble, therefore, II
Y making ourselves agreeable enough to one an
other SO much so that as the coach approach
ed c., and the old gentleman learned
that meant to stop there that night, he ask
, ed me to waive ceremony and have cup o.
tea with him after had dined at NV hotel
, My fair engagement" was not till next day
and, as liked the old gentleman, I accepted
{ his offer.
After my pint Of sherry, brushed my hair
t and went in search of my coach companion,
and my promised cup of tea had no difn'
Guilty in finding him out, for he was man o.