Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1860-12-20
Mistellnaeoas.
Artemus Ward Oh his Visit TO
Abe Lincoln.

ADt LluCOIus
1 hiv no politics. Nary one. I'm not
in that basnsis. If was l spose l should
holler versiffrusly in the streets at nine and
90 home to Betsey Jane smellin of coal
lie and gin, in the mornin. should 60
to the Poles arly. should stay there all
day. l should see to it that my nabers
was thar. should get garages to take
kripples, the infirm and the indignat thar.
1 should be on guard agin frauds and sIch.
l should be on the look out for the infa-
lse of the enemy, got up jes be4 eleshun
for perlitical effeck. When all was over
and my candydate was elected, should
move heving & arth-so to speak-until l
got orfce, which if | didn't git olfice l
should turn round d abooze the Admins
tration with all my mite and maine. But
I'm not in the bisness what pollertics is.
| wouldn't give too cents TO be Congress
er. The wuss insult l ever received was
wen sertin citizens of Baldinsvile axed ME
to run for the Legislator. Sez l, "My
friends, dostest think I'd stoop to that
there?' They turned as white as sheet.
l spoke in my most orfulest tones, q they
knowed l wasn't to be trif1ed with. They
slunked out of site to onct.
Tbere4, hevin no politics, l made bold
to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Spring
field. l found the old feller in his parlor,
surrounded by perfeck swarm of orfce
seekers. Known he had been capting of
fiat boat on the roarin Mississippy l
thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so
sez "Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main
suls, reef hum the forecastle d throw yer
jibpoop overheard! Shiver my timbers,
my harty" IN. B. This is genuine
mariner langwidge. l know, becaws I've
seen sailor plays acted out by them New
York thealer felIers Old Abe lookt up
quite cross & sez, "Send in yer petition
by & by. Ican't possibly look at it now.
Indeed l can't. It's onpossble sir'
"Mr. Linkin, who do you spect air!
sed l.
"a orifce-seeker, to be sure :" sed he.
"Wall, sir ''sed |, 'you's never more mis-
taken in your life. You hain't got orifss
I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A.
Warde. Wax fggers in my perfeshun.-
I'm the father of Twins, and they look
like me-both Of them. 1 cum to pay a
friendly visit to the President eleck of the
United States. If SO be you wants TO see
me may say so-if not, say so, and I'm off
like jug handle"
"Mr. Ward, sit down. lam glad to see
you Sir"
"Repose in Abraham's Buzzumr' sed
one of the oriice seekers, his dee bein to
git orr COAX at my expense.
"Wall, sez |, 'ef all you fellers repose
in that there Buzzum there'll be mighty
poor nussin for some of your whereupon
Old Abe butloned his weskit clear up and
blusht like a maiden Of sweet I6. jest
at this pint of the conversation another
swarm OF orifce seekers arrove Il cum pilin
into the parler. Sum wanted post oriices.
sum wanted collectorships. sum wanted
furin missions, and all wanted somthin.-
l thought Old ABS would 60 crazy. He
hadn't more than had time TO shake hands
with 'em before another tremenjis crowd
cum porin onto his premises. His house
and dooryard was now perleckly overAwoed
with orifce seekers, and clamerus for an
immejit interyew with old Abe. One man
from Ohio, who had about seven inches of
corn whisky into him, mistook me fur Old
Abe, addrest me as "The Pra-hayie Flow
er of the West?" Thinks you want a or
IFS putty bad. Another man with gold
headed cane and red nose told Old Abe be
was "a seckind Washington & the Pride
of the boundIss West?"
See l. Square, you wouldn't take
small post or6ce if you could gitit, would
you!"