davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
Lines on a Cow.

A writer in the London Farmers
Magazine a few years ago, presented
the following doggrel lines, as CON-
bining what are popularity considered
the good points of COW, such as is
common among the short-horned breed
Of Yorkshire:
e She's long in her face, she's fine
in her horn,
She'll quickly get fat without cake
or corn;
She's clean in her jaws, and full In
her chine,
She's heavy in flank, and wide in
her loin.
She's broad in her ribs, and long in
her rump.
A straight and fat back, without
e'er a hump;
She's wide in her hips, and calm in
her eyes,
She is fne in her shoulders, and
thin in her thighs.
She's light in her neck. and small in
her tail,
She's wide in her breast, and good
at the pail.
She's fine in her bone, and silky Of
skin
She's q grazier's without, and a
butchers within. y -
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
A Safe Bet.

Several gentlemen were riding In q
car on one Of the Boston roads. few
years ago, when the conversation turn
ed on the next Presidential election,
and the merits and prospects of Web
ster, Fillmore, Cass and Others we're
discussed at large After some time
a solemn individual who had listened
in silence addressed the party
My friends you are all wrong.
Before the next election of 1852, the
world will have come to an end, and
Jesus Christ win be President of the
Universe !" {:
Up started an enthusiastic gentle
man from the Granite State, who slut
eringly said to the Millerite
S-sir, TIL, I'll b-b-bet you t-t-ten
dollars New Hampshire WON'T
ego for him y
A roar Of laughter that greeted the
exit Of the Second Adventist, as be
removed to another car, ensued.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
Big Brindle.

In Nashville, mary years ago, there
lived a gentleman Of great hospitality,
large fortune, and though uneducated
possessed Of hard knot sense. Col,
W. had been elected to the Legislature
and had also been Judge of the County
Court.
His eveiation, however, had made
him somewhat pompous, and he be-
came very pompous ofusing big words.
On his farm he had large mischiey-
GUS OK, called "Big Brindle," which
frequently broke down his neighbours
fences, and committed other depreda
tions, much TO the Colonel'a annoy.
ance.
One morning, after breakfast. in the
presence Of some gentlemen who had
stopped, on their road to town, he
called the overseer and said to him:
"Mr Allen, l desire you to i'm
pound Big Brindle, in order that
may hear no more animadversions on
his eternal depredations.
Allen bowed and walked of, sorely
puzzled to know what the Colonel
meant.
So after Col. W. left for town he
went to his wife and asked her what
Col. W. meant by telling him to ''im-
pound" the OK.
why" said she, "the Colonel meant
to tell you to put him in pen.
Allen left to perform the feat, for It
was no inconsiderable one, as the an.
imal was very wild and vicious, and
after great deal of tronble and vex-
alton he succeeded.
"Well'' said he wiping the perspira-
ton from his brow and soloquizing,
"this is impounding, is it? Now /
am dead sure the Colonel win ask me
if have impounded Big Brindle, and
I'll bet I puzzle him as bad as he did
me-"
The next day the Colonel gave a
dinner party, aud as he was not aristo-
cratic, Allen the overseer, sat down
with the company, After the second
or third glass was discussed, the Col
onel turned to the overseer. and said,
"Eh, Mr.. Allen, did you impound
Big Brindle, sir 2"
I Allen straightend himself, rnd look
ing around at the company, said:
Eyes, I did, but old Brindle tran
sended the impanel of the impound
and scatterlophisticated all over the
equanimity of the forrest"
The company burst into an immod-
crate fit of laughter, while the Col
onel's face reddend with discontinue.
What do you mean by that, sir ?'
said he.
"Why, mean, Colonel, /" said Allen,
'fhat old Brindle, being prognostica-
ted with the idea of the cholery, ripp-
ed and tared, snorted and paved dirt,
jumped the fence, tuck TO the woods, .
and in the midst Of the laughter, Allen
left the table, saying to himself as be
went, II reckon the Colonel won't ash
me to impound any more oxen -
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15


FOLLOW THE RIGHT.-No matter
who you are, what your lot, or where
you live, you cannot afford to do that
which is wrong. The only way to
obtain profit and pleasure for your
self, is to do the right thing. You
may not always hit the mark, but you
should, nevertheless aim for it, and
with every trial your skill win increase.
Whether you are to be praised or
blamed for it by others whether it
will seemingly make you richer or
poorer, or whether no other person
than yourself knows of your action
still, ALWAYS, in all cases, do the right
thaag. Your first lessons in this rule
viii sometimes seem hard ones, but
they viii grow easier and easier, until
finally doing the right thing win be
come a habit, and to do wrong will
seem an impossibility.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
gabbath Sending,
Telling Mother.

A cluster of young girls stood about
the door of q school room one after
noon, engaged in conversation, when
o little girl joined them and asked
them what they were doing IT am
telling the girls secret Kate, and we
will let you know it, if you will prom
Use not to tell any one as long as you
ive," was the reply.
I" won't tell any one but mother
replied Kate. at tell her everything
for she is my best friend"
No, not even to your mother, nor
to any one in the world"
"Well, then I can't hear it, for
aohat I can't tell mother is not fit for
me to knoao."
After speaking these words, Kate
walked away slowly, and perhaps sad
~, yet with a quiet conscience, while
her companions Eezt on With their
secret can7ersatie1
am sure if Elk ss.A-s.aued to act
on that principle. - LsssIne virtu-
Gus, and useful xeep.E 30 child of
a pious mother win 10 likely to take q
sinful course if Kste's reply be taken
as a rule of conduct.
As soon as o body listens to q con-
yersation at school, or on the play
ground, which he would fear or blush
to repeat to his mother, he is in the
way of temptation and no one can tell
where he viii stop. Many man dy>
ing in disgrace, in prison, or on the
scafold, has looked back with remorse
to the time when o sinful companion
first gained his ear, and came between
himself and a pious mother. Boys
and girls, if you would lead a Christ
ian life and die a Christian death,
make Hates reply your rule, What
/ cannottell my mother is not ft for
me to know" for a pious mother is
your best friend.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
B. B. BLACK W ELL, EDITOR.

here, " then turning to his visitor with
an mir of confident assurance, "Now,
Miss, You can spend your time in ne
gotiating for the sale of Mother
i Goose, or in screaming, just as you
please; you'll not pass this door till
an officer comes.
] The girl began to look frightned.
She evidently had not counted upon
this sudden temperance Of John
"Oh, sir Jet me go, I didn't mean
any harm. she said.
Didn't mean any harm Z echoed
Mr.. Jones, angrily !" why, here are
your shoes in the hall! What have
You been stealing down stairs ?"
The girl protested that she had stol-
en- nothing, begged that he would not
have her arrested, and promised never
to modest him again.
Mr. Jones detained her till she was
thoroughly frightend, then pretended
t. relent and babe her go quickly or
she would meet the officer.
The girl lost no time in making her
exit, and Mr., Jones finished IFS letter
just in season for the mail.
On his way home in the TFcugth ave-
nue. cars, be mentioned his aaventure
to his friend Mr.. Smith, whose place
of business is in the same street.
"Good Heavens" exclaimed Smith,
"Why / was victimized exactly in the
same way this afternoon, and didn't
get on as easily as you did. l had
to give her ten dollars, and did not
even get {" Mother Goose" in return.
Upon comparing notes the friends
ascertained that they had been visited
by different persons, proving that the
"Mother Goose" dodge is nos the enc
terprise of a single individual, Each
congratulated the other upon having
learnt an entirely new kink.
When Broad street gentlemen stay
in their counting room, alone, of an
afternoon, they should see that their
front doors are locked, or they may be
visited by angels unawares-E ve. Post.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

Jem-- "Now, spos'n you was TO be
turned into an animal, what would
yon like to be, Bill ?" Bill-"Oh, I'd
like to be o Iron because he's So
Little Tom (who has had some recent
painful experience at school, inter-
rupting eagerly)-"0h don't be a lion
Bill; be wasp and then you can
sting the schoolmaster.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
Frightening Children.

There are very few adults who do
not look back with pain upon the
| sufferings of their childhood, from SUI
perstitious, unreasoning fear. Very
few go through childhood without be-
coming, at some time, towards in the
dark, towards in a thunder storm, or
the recipients of all sorts of supersti-
tious fears with relation to the i'm
minence of the day of judgement and
general confagration. A drunkard
or " boogar," Gf that's the way to
spell it, or straggIer, or a "great
awful black negro" or some terrible
specimens of humanity, fond Of human
tenderloins apd the blood of little
children, oficiates in the young i'm
aginations as the general administra-
tor of horrors; and the number of chill
dren that escapes his clutches is small
indeed.
Active imaginations and ignorance
always breed these fears, and not I'M
frequently such rights take place as
are never recovered from in after life
Men and women who read this will
be conscious, we think, most of them,
that impressions made upon them
when young, still linger, and can
neither be willed nor reasoned out of
their minds. They dread darkness
or loneliness. They are oppressed by
certain appearances in the heavens, or
certain sounds. The old fears of
childhood haunt them, cling to them
an' can never be outgrown. The
snferings of multitudes of children
from fear cannot be measured, They
are indeed very pitifnl, and doubtless
not unfrequently predisposo to insani-
y.
This train of reflection is excited by
having seen couple of imaginative
children weeping on Friday, because
a certain school teacher in this city
remarked that the peculiar rings
around The sun that appeared in the
morning indicated a hurricane, such
as they have recently had at the west,
while the older children declared that
the rings were signs that the world
was coming to an end. The extent
to which these little ones were excited
by those awful representations was
very pitiful. They will probably new
err forget or ontgrow it; and facts
like these are of sufficiently frequent
occurrence to warn every rational
man and woman to be careful of all
language calculated to excite childish
fears. Nothing can be more cruel
than to excite apprehensions of ap-
preaching evil, in minds incapable of
reasoning on the subject, and trustfnl
Of the older minds which surround
them. We would very much rather
man would strike child Of ours
than excite its fears. The longer We
live, the more wonderful does it seem
that children ever escape from the
dangers that assail them at every step,
and arrive safely at manhood and
womanhood. These dangers, many
of them, are unavoidable in the nature
of things, but this half killing them
with fear, by inconsiderate talk, is not
unavoidable, and is therefore entirely
inexcusable.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

Success. The first and chief ele-
ment OF success is decision of charac-
ter. Without this, and the kindred
traits that are always found ia its
company, such az resolution, courage.
and hope, there is little chance of
success. With it, there is no snch
word as fail, and seldom any such
thing as failure. To such spirit
even difficulties afford stimulus, and
dangers spur" for resolute mind
is omnipotent. -
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

SRI CHARLES NApIER's ESTIMATE
OF MILITARY RT.-Nineteen. long
letters from Lord Marlborough /, He
has made me governor Of Scinde, with
additional pay and he has ordered
the captured guns to be cast into q
triumphant column, with our name.
| wish he would let me go back to my
wife and girls, it would be more to me
than pay, glory, and honors. This is
glory )! is it? Yes Nine princes
have surrendered their swords to me
on the field Of battle, and their king
doms have been conquered by me, and
attached to my country. Well, ali
the glory that can be desired is mine,
and care so little for 1t, that the mo-
ment / can, all shall be resigned, to
live quietly with my wife and girls !;
no honor or riches repsys me for alb
sence from them Otherwise this sort
Of life is lifete me; is agreeable, as it
may enable me to do good to these
poor people. Oh! if I can do any
good thing to serve them where SO
much blood. has been shed in accnrsed
war, / shall be happy. May / never
see another shot 6redl Horrid, hor-
rid war ! Yet, how it wins upon and
hardens enc when in command. No
young man can,resist the temptations,
/ defy him /; but thirty and sixty are
different. - The Life end Opinions of
General SIR Charles James Napier.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
g5Hisfellaug,
A New Article.

But two letters more" thought Mr..
Jones, late head clerk, now junior
partner in the importing firm of -
& Co., No. - Broad street as he bent
over his desk and dipped his pen in
the ink afresh. "But two short let
ters more, and then I shall be ready
to join Mrs. Jones in that delightful
excursion, upon which she has set her
little head. But two letters, and
as I live, it is half-past three, and
the steamers mail closes at four. John!
John i"
No John responded.
"Confound the fellow-he has gone
and left me to lock up,' mutterd Mr.
Jones. ''But time is precious now"
The pen flew rapidly over the pa
per, until the last letter was nearly con-
Guided. No other sound was heard
in the counting room above or in the
store below, and Mr.. Jones supposed
he was alone in the building.
"Buy book, sir % said a voice at
his ear.
''No," said Mr.. Jones, mechanically,
SO deeply absorbed in his work as not
to notice the singularity of the inter-
upton.
Buy book sir ?" and this time a
book-"Mother Goose's Melodies, y
he observed on the title-page-was
thrust between his eyes and the unfn-
ished letter before him.
mo said Mr.. Jones, little rough
~ as be turned upon the intruder. 1t
was woman, young and handsome,
though poorly clad.
"You had better" said the girl with
her sweetest smile. Besides, | need
the money"
SWELL there's quarter for your
beauty said Mr.. Jones, gallantly,
land now go, for l am in hurry.
He took from his pocket the coin and
handed it Co her.
'Hadn't you better give me half a
dollar, sir ?"
What 2"
Hadn't you better give me half q
dollar to buy some stockings ?" Cand
she raised her dress just enough to dis
close a well formed, naked ankI.l-
and see, I've no shoes either.0
Among Mr. jones' most recent &C
QUESTIONS was a lovely Young wife
and he was deeply, Yirtuously indig
nant. "Ah young woman, is thar
your game2n he cried, rising from hi,
chair. Leave the place instantly, o.
III put you out.
'Dont lay your hands on me, sale
his visitor stepping back with a Tool
of defiance. Don't lay your hand
on me, sir for il you do I'll scream
and whoever comes viii think J ou ar
taking liberties. You had better bul
8 book, sir-only ten dollars"
Mr.. Jones perceived at on ce tina
he was pin a fix" but in a momen
he decided what ceurse TO pursue.
Scream as much as yon like" h
exclaimed, apringing to the do or of th
counting room, I'M 40 a little. scream
ing, too. John ! .Toht Y
The woman also appro, pched til
door, but he kept her back so far q
to prevent her from looking. down tn
stairs, and continued his. calls fc
John"
"There il no John thei 'e, Z said th
girl mockingly, you hal better bu
book, sir, It'ssonly twenty dollar
now"
'sAh you've come 1t last, said Nj
Jones, talking down stairs to an in
aginary John run for police ofics
as quick as you csn. Ire got q thi'
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

"Just light supper, my dear /; a
light supper" said q gentleman to his
wife when he brought company home.
Said gentleman was astonished
when he found the light supper
to be composed of half dozen can
dies lighted and casting their radiance
over an otherwise supperless table,
Rather too light, my DEAR" quoth
the husband.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

"Can body eat with these things?''
asks an elderly lady who is handling q
pair of artificial plates in a dental of
fee, and admiring the fuency with
which the dentist describes them.
"My dear madam" responds the
dentist, classification can be performed
by them with a felacity scarcely ex-
celled by Nature herself = M
eyes, | know" replied the female ;
"bnt can body eat with 'em2"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

WEALTH is not acquired as many
suppose, by fortunate speculstions and
splendid enterprises, but by the dali
" practice of industry, economy and
frugality. BE who relies upon these
means viii rarely be found destitute,
and whosoeYer relies upon any other,
will generally become bankrupt.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

Md SHUTTER thus explained his rea-
son for preferring to, wear bis stock
ings with holes, to having them darn
ined--"A hole may be the accident
of day, and will pass on the best
gentleman but darn is premedita-
ted poverty s
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15
An Arkansas Girls Resent.
ment.

A green awkward girl, the daughter
of wealthy parents in Arkansas, having
come to-, in Massachusetts, to be
educated, a young denteat named
Brown, conceived that his shortest
road to fortune would be to marry her.
But then she was the laughing stock
of the seminary, because she was so
gaunt, masculine, and ungenteel in
her dress, and Brown felt thatit would
require all his nerve to stand the rid
icule Of several of the young pupils
with whom he hirted until he was sat
isfed they had no money or expect.
alton of any.
/ However he consoled himself with
the reflection that he would speedily
obtain influence enough over her to
enable him to become, in measure,
her advisor in the manner of costume,
manners, &c. The foremost thought
was to amend her long, lank form, by
the aid Of crinoline, which she had new
er worn, and his fiattery had no soon
err secured him aconidential place in
her good graces, before he ventured to
make her present Of patent skirt
or sack, together with hint to fix up
pretty handsomely for ball, to which
he had invited her.
The night arrived, the party assem-
bled and the Arkansas damsel made her
entree from the ladies dresaing room,
amid the litter of laughter from the
school girls and village bells. The
hoop sack was shockingly out of shape,
projecting in front like the spouting
horn of Nahant; but was nothing to
the expose it made of somewhat ineon-
gruous black hose, the facinations of
which were somewhat augmented by
the yellow resets Of her white satin
slippers (men's size) encasing her del
icate feet To complete Browns hor-
ror, her faxen head and freckled face
we're ''set off" with a profusion OF
/ green and yellow bow nots, of formid-
able size intended to do execution as
beau catchers.
Nader than sixty, the disappointed
! dentist went through the first dance
with her, taking little or no pains to
conceal his disgust, and then hurried
away to the whist room to escape the
compliments and sarcastic ridicnle Of
his old flames
The unfortunate partner, who was
clear grit, was deeply incensed when
informed Of bis abandonment, and
some of the sympathisers advised hei
to give him the sack, e, dismiss
him at once. TN be dodrotted eff j
don't do it fore the hull crowd p she
replied in a boiling passion, and make.
ing straight for the dressing room
and followed by a bevy of laughing
girls, soon emerged with the hool
] sack in her hand, and threw it a
J Browns feet s
Thar, You mean, good-for-nothinp
shaker out of old snags | Take you
; old sack and wear it yourself, and eff
I ketch You speaking to me again, II
5 lick ye within an inch oyer life yon't
better believe it.
RoarS Of laughter followed this spir
: tied conduct, and the tooth puller wa
fain to make his escape. The next ds,
be left the village. and has not re
:
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

TIE wealthy Marquis de Aligre,
who died some time ago. was so parsi-
moneous, that, seeing his servant one
day with D smart looking hat, he rep
rimanded him for his extravaganza.
Z But it is the old hat you gave me
I had It ironed for a franc. q 7 All, T"
said the marquis. but i 4 d moi
know ii could be restored. Here i
the franc yoa paid--I win take the
hat and he forthwith transferred the
renovated beaver TO his own head
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

SoAE young ladies feeling agTava
ted By the severity with which their
friends speculated on their many neck
laces, plumes, bracelets. rings. &c.
went TO their pastor to learn his opin
ion. g Do youathink, 2 said they,
that there is any improperly in
wearing these things? By no
means" was the prompt reply, when
the heart is full of ridiculous notions.
it is well enough to hang out sign"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

"Pap, I planted some potatoes, in our
garden, said one of the smart youths
Of the present generation to his father
one day, land what do you suppose
came up?"
"Why, potatoes Of course" said
pap.
mo, stree. There came up a
drove of hogs and eat 'em ALL"
The old man "gin in.p
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

A dying Irishman was asked by his
confessors if he was ready to renounce
the devil and all his works "OhI
your honor" said Pat, don't ask me
that; I'm going into q strange coun-
try and 1 don't want to make myself
enemies Y -.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

A clergyman Of country village
desired his clerk TO give notice that
there would be no service in the even
ing, as he was going to oficiate for
another clergyman The clerk, as
soon as the service was ended, called
ont" | am desired to give notice
that there viii be no service this after
noon, as Mr.'s going . fishing
with another clergyman. 6l
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

In order to amuse the children on
the Sabbath, a lady was enged recent
" In reading to them from the Bible,
the stoly of David and Goliah, and
coming to the passage in which
Goliah so boastingly dared the young,
STRIPPING, q little chap, almoast In his
troWsers, said, skip that---skip that
he's only blowing I want to know
who licked
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

It takes four things TO make q
whole gentleman. You must be q
gentleman in your principles, gentle
man in your person, gentleman in
your tastes and 9 gentleman in your
manners. No man who does not com
bine these qualities can be justly term.
ed gentleman.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

Con made us for eternity. and His
aim in all he does is to bring Us hap
PLY to it. Hence the necessity ef
pain, sickness, crosses, to break the
strong chain which binds as to the
world, andsforce US to take part with
Him in His grand design.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

4 man up town has sold his piano
In consequence Of hard times. He is
now learning his daughters to perform
on the washboard. The music is not
quite so pleasant, but much more to
the purpose. tt.s s....
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1860-08-15

The census man Ia New London
found d woman who gave her own
age as 2S years, and that other oldest
son as 23l Athriving town.