Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1860-07-07
Fly Wife's Piano.

The deed is accomplished. My
wife has got piano, and now farewell
the tranquil mind-fareWcn content
and the evening papers, and the big
cigars that make ambition virtue, oh
farewell "And, on, ye mortal engines
whose rude threats the immortal Jove's
dread clamor counterfeit - But stop,
can't bid them farewell, for one Of
them has Just arrived. It came on a
dray. Six men carried it into the par
lor, and it grunted awfuly 1t weighs
ton, shines like a mirror, and has
curved Cupids climbing up its limbs.
And such lung5-whew Ny wife
has commenced to practice, and the
first time she touched the machine,
though we were in the midst Of thun-
der storm, and the lightning had struck
the crockery chest. The cat with tail
erect, took bee line for a particular
friend upon the back fence, demolish-
ing SIX shilling pan Of glass. The
baby aWolle, and the little fellow tried
his best to beat the instrument, but he
couldn't DO it. 1t beat him.
4 teacher has been introduced into
the house. lie says he is the last Of
Napoleon's grand army. lie wears q
huge must2chc, looks at me fercely,
smells Of garlic, and goes by the name
OF Count Itun-aWay-neyer -come- back
a9ain-by. lie played an extract de
opera the other night lie run his
fingers through his hair twice, then
grinacd, then cooked his eyes up at the
ceiling, like monkey hunting flies,
and then came down one Of his fingers,
and | heard delightful sound, similar
to that produced by cocIroach dane
ing upon a tenor string Of a fiddle.
Down came an other finger, and /
was reminded Of the wind Whistlino
through q knot hole in a hen coop.
lie touched his thumb, and I thought
that | was in an orchard listening to-
the distant braying OF a jacI,ass. Now
he ran his fingers along the keys, and
/ thought Of a boy rafting a stick upon
store box or q picket fence. All ola
sudden he stopped, and [ thought some
ding had happened. Then came down
both lists, and, OH, Lord such a noise
was never heard before. [ thought a
hurrycanc had struck the house and
the walls were caving in. | immaoin-
ed | was in q cellar, and a ton of coal
was falling about my head. I thought
the machine had busted, when the in
ternal noise stopped, and I heard my
wife calculate
"Exqujsit" ''What tie duce is the
matter?' The answer was, eNVhv,
dear, that's La Somnambula p Oh
Somnambula I" thought [; and the
Count rolled up his sheet of paper. lie
called it music; but for the life of me I
can't make it .ook like anything else
than a rail fence with a lot of iuvinile
niggers climbing over. Before that
instrument Of torment came into the
house, | could enjoy myself, but now
eVry darnd woman in the neighborhood
must be invited to hear the new piano,
and every time the blasted thing shrieks
out, like locomotive with the bronchi-
It's, | have to praise its tone, and when
the invited guests are playing, I have
to say, "Exqnisit - Delightful -
"ifeayenlyn' and all such trash, while
ut the same time, | know just as much
about music as blind Goldfish. There
are more tuning hammers than comforts
III our house, and-and [ wish the in
rentcr Of the piano was troubled with
4 perpetual nightmare, and obliged to
sleep in one Of his Instruments all his
life. AS for myself, I had rather put
my head under a tin pan and be drum
med to sleep with q pair Of smoothing
IRONS than hear ola SomnambuIa," or
any OTHER La thumped out Of piano
Scatter pennies in front of my house,
and draw together all the wandering
mlnstrlIs IN the city, hand organs, ban
JOS, 6ddles, tamborines, rafting bones
and fish horns, let juyinilc monkics
crawl into my windows in search Of
three cent pieces, let me be awakened
at midnight by the cry Of murder, ring
the bells and have devil of time
generl y-do all this, and I will not
complain, but Danish the pianos. NV
piano has got to go. [ am going to
launch the internal machine out Of the
WINDOW, the first dark night, and, nv
friends, advise you to sleep with cot
ton III your ears, or when she gives her
dying grunt you will think you've fall
Ell out Of bed, or fallen star has fall
en- to roost on the houso-top. For the
information of "Young America" |
Will state that all the pieces Of brass
wire and ivory keys they are welcome
to, but the skeleton / want for .
refrigerator.