Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1860-02-04
MISCELLANY.
THE BALAAMS.

At the present moment, of course, we are all
in the country. Those of us who are not in the
country are in Europe. Those of us who are
not in Europe are still farther away
The great point is, that we are not n home
We are somewhere else. We come to town for
a day. and look at it curiously. W. sleep in
our own city beds for night; but we arc not
in town. We say good morning to the cham
bcrmaid as to a stranger. We contemplate the
parlJrs as places We used to ifequent. We are
in the house, but We are not at home.
Who could BE- at home on straw carpets -
Mattings they are called by superior housekecp
crs. Will anybody mention why in a climate
where we leave the fire with many lingering,
longing. look in June, and return to it in Sep
,ember we put up muslin curtains and put down
straw mattngs? 1t is Il preposterous innova-
ton of the tropics. Is anything more thor
oughly dismal than the American gentleman in
thin drllings, promenading upon straw mat
ting while the bars of his CRATE scarcely cool,
and it was but Yesterday that he slid down his
own iceglazed front door steps upon his own
back?
have seen Baaam do both these things.
Mrs Balaam-whom | name with respect,
knowing my happiness, and thankful for it,
Mrs Baaam is what is tondly termed a superior
housckeeper-an active. energetic woman. Mrs
Balaam might easily have invented straw mat
tingS. At least she uses them vigorously and
in the proper seasons. One admires-as the
older English has it-what playhouse Mrs
Balaam must have had in the days of her youth.
One signs to think how the roses must have
withered. under ceaseless washingS, in Mrs Ba-
laam's dolls. That, of course, was long before
She came. saw. and conquered the worthy man
whose name she adorns. ant whose home she
keeps in a manner which is the despair of all
the casy-going hoopey, founcey, little women,
who have made suudry tomtits happy allowing
them to pay their dry-goods bills.
In March. Mrs Baaam SAYS, "Spring will
soon be here, my dear;" and She looks around
her well scrubbed mansion with the eye of a
woman who is not to be put down by any shams
and shows Of cleanliness. Her husband finds
her on chairs. dustng the the tops of door
frames in the chamber and sghs to hear her
say; "How dirty this house is: it's shameful -
The good Bllaim--a mild man, of course,
tMrs Baaams always marry mild men, or make
them so)-loes not dare to cherish any hidden
corner for litter. He is dreadfully perpleXed
with his pieces Of string and paper. Whatever
he does-however he tries tn destroy their exis-
tence by casting them into the fire or throwing
them into the coal-scuttles, or drawers or where.
ever else his tortured invention suggests-he is
sure to hear Mrs Balaam CRYING out to him
'Don't, don't, my DEAR How can you litter
about so? It's as much as my life is worth to
keep this house descent ?'
laaam as bachelor, smoked. He has only
a vague remembrance of 1t. He looks at men
who take their ease with their cigar, with an in
credulous curiosity. Once, and once only, he
smoked since his marriage. 1t was at supper
late at night. Balaam was, probably. flown
with wine. When the party broke up, BALKAN
remembered he must go aoVe-go, in fact, to
bed. That reflection sobered him. Now q
man who has not only passed the evening in q
warm room with smokers, but has himself
smoked, cannot hope to conceal his crime he
can only endure its consequences.
OF course under the circumstances, Balaan
resolved to pass the night out--not to go home
at all. But the vision of Mrs b., sitting up fol
him all night in her night-cap, as grand nquis-
itor, and saying; "BALAAM, WHERE AND WITH
WHOM DID YOU PASS THE NIGIT?" was toe
overwhelming. lie was sure that he could nev-
er explain his absence to the satisfaction of Mrs
Il. Her sighs Of maltyed wtchood and wo
manhood would force him into Il premature
/ grave. lie, therefore, resolved to 60 home.
But he found the way home like the road &c
| Jordon. 1t was Il very hard one to travel, anC
he went very slowly. 1t was bitter. mdwin
ter midnight, but l}alaam moved as leisurely as
Romeo from Juliet's balcony. He reached hi,
|
without difficulty.
In truth he was only too much awake-toC
| profoundly aware of his situation. lie certain
| ly never opened the door so softly before, ant
never before crept so noiseessy up stairs-un
| dressing, as there is reason to believe. in lht
dark. 1t was evident that he hoped not to dis
turb the innocent slumber of his spouse. Bu
scarcely h d his head touched the pillow than
without saying word, she arose, opened ev
cry window in the room, opened the doors
opened the windows in the other rooms, anC
betook herself in majestic scorn and silence tc
a remote and solitary chamber for the rest o
the night.
For two days those windows were inexorabl,
open, and all the doors. Unchallenged winter
reigned. The servants left. Mrs b. went about
in her bonnet and turs. She sent the children
to her sisters. Balaam's nose was blue the
whole time. Mrs Baaam did not speak Of to-
bacco but she shuddered and compressed hei
mouth from time to time, and said to him, in
dry, wiry tone, as they sat shivering in the par.
lor: "ISnt il dreadfW! Bm what can you dc
lchen house Smeiis so :"
BY April the Balaam Spring cleaning sets in
Mrs Balaams costume, during this month is al
old black bombazine. bonnet, tarltan-shawl and