Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1860-12-21
31olittraI.
From Vanity Fair
ARTEMUS WARD ON HIS VISIT TO
LINCOLN


holler versifrusly in the streets at mite and
go home to Betscy Jane smelln OF coal lie
and gin, in the morning. | should go 20 the
Poles arly. should stay there all day.
should see to il that my nabers was thar
! should git carriges TO take the kripples, the
infrm and the indignant thar. ] should be
on guard agin frauds and sich. | should be
on the look out for the Infamous lise of the
enemy, got up jcs bed elecshun for perlitcal
effeck. When all was over and my candy ydate
was elected, | should move heving & arth-
so to speak-until ! got orifce. which if
didn't git orifce | should turn round ~ a
booze the Administration with all my mite
and maine. But I'm not in the bisniss. I'm
in a far more respectful dismiss nor whot poll
lertics. | wouldn't give two cents to be
Congrosscr. The wuss insult ever received
was when sertin citizens Of Baldinsville axed
me to run fur the Legislator. Sez l, My
friends, dostest think I'd stoop to that thar
They turned white as a sheet | spoke in
my most orfullest tones, 81 they knowd
wasn't to be trhcd with They slunked out
of site TO onct
Thore4. hovin no politics. l made bold to
visit Old Abe at his humstid in Sprnheld.
found the old feler in his parler, surrounded
by perfeck swarm Of oridco seekers Know
IN he had been capting Of fiat boat on the
roarin Mississippy, thought I'd address
him in sailor lingo so sez /, old Abe, ahoy,
Let out yer main-sus, reef hum the forecasde
~ throw yer jib-poop overheard Shiver
my timbers, my harty y. B.-This is
ginuine mariner langwidg. | know, becawz
I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New
York theatre teuers. Old Abe lookt up
quite cross sez, Send in yer petition by
" by. can possibly look at u now. In
deco can {. IL onpossible' SIR
Mr. L'nkln, who do you spect / AR sed
l.
"A orlhcc seeker TO be sure said he.
wall SIR sed J. 'you's never more mis-
taken IN your life. You hain't got ortiss d
take under no circumstances. / m A. ward
Wax tggers Is my proieshun. I'm the iath-
er OF WINS, and they look hke me-'o" OF
Wenl cum to pay friendly visit to the
President elcck ol the United states II So
be you wants To see me- say sol not, say
so' " m orr IKE jug handle.
'Mr. ward SIT down. am glad to see
you, SIR.
'kepose In Abraham Buzzum sed one
OF 'he orhee-seeNers' ms ldee oelh 10 S't on
COAX at my expense.
wall, seq |. 'cf all YOU tellers repOse in
that there Buzzum, thero'll be nifty poor nus
sin for sum OF You : whereupon Old Abe but
toned up his weskit clear up and blusht like
a maiding of sweet 6. Jest at this pint Of
the conversation anothe swarm OF orfce-seek-
ers arrove 81 cum pilin into the parcr. Sum
wanted post orhces. sum wanted collector
ships. some wanted furrin missions, and all
wanted sumthin. thought Old Abe would
go crazy. lie hadn't more than time to
shake hands with en-, before another tre-
menjis crowd cum porein unto hes premises.
His house and dooryard was now perieckly
ovoraowed, with orfce-seekers, all clameruss
for a mmejit interview with Old Abe One
man from Ohio, who had about inches Of
corn whisky into him, mistook me fur Old
Abe, and addrest me as The Pra-hayrie-
Flower Of the West = Thinks | you want a
offs putty bad Another man with a gold
heded cane and a red nose, told Old Abe he
was "A seckind Washington ~ the Pride of
the Bourdiss West =
Sez |, Square, you wouldn't take a small
postofs if you could get it, would you ?
Sez he, "a patrit is abuv them things, sir
There's a putty big crop of patrts this sea-
son amt there, Squire sez |, when anuther
crowd of offs seekers pored in. The house,
door-yard' barn " woodshed was nv" ~A' e~u
and when a""t"er crowd cum told m not to
go away for want of room, FOR the hog pen
was sun empty one patrit from small
town IN Mishygan went up on TOP the mousse
got INTO the chimney ana shd down INTO the
parior where Old Aoe was enaeVerih TO keep
tne hungry pack ot oihs-seekers rom chaw'n
nim up awe without oeheht oil clergy Inc
mint ne reached the hre place ne Jumpt up /
nruSnt the sui out oi MS eyes ana yelied -
Don make any plntment at the opunkVllle
postotls tl'l you We req my papers An the
respectful men IN our town Is s'gners TO that
there dookymont
'uood God cried OId Aoe' 'lhoy cum
upon me "'m the sNlhe-down the chimneys'
ana from the bowels oil the yerth lie hadn
NOR a got them words out oi ms dei!klt
mouth before TWO iat oihs-seekers irom WIS
cohsin' IN endeVerln 10 crawl between ms legs
Tor the purpuss OF applyln Tor the tollgate-
snip IN Mllwauky' upset the President cleck
~ he would hey gone spIawlln into ther hre-
phase 1t had caught HIM IN these arms
But hadn morn stood him up STRAIT be-
fore anuther man cum crashln down the chin
ney' his head strIkln me vllently agln the IN
ards, ~ prostratln my yolnptous form on the
doar. Mr.. Lnkin, shouud the iniatooated
bein, My papers Is signed by eyry clergy
man in our town. and likewize the skulemas-