The daily exchange. [volume] (Baltimore, Md.) 1858-1861, 1860-12-15
THE TRIBULATIONS
OF
TINOTHY TONPKINS, ESQ.,
Who Relateth his Experience with
SEWING MACHINES.
THE TRIBULATIONS
Who Relateth his Experience with


changed yet would like have the affairs of this life st
far modified call forth my characters
tics, as circumstances last night did. But feel more
calm this morning, will chronice the facts as terrible
warning to those who have faith in the Vaccinations C
modern inventors.
My commiseration has be=n often excited in behalf o.
Mrs Tompkins at seeing her, midnight work
ing with her needle because with a sort Of mate ma pride
she felt that EObldy but herself go9d enough to plan
and execute in The preparation of rnent for children
But fortnight since, sight her careworn face sug
gestcd the brilliant idea that after ALL her caprice ght be
gratihed and that without having perform the
excessive py steal labor viii she then enduring That
idea to buy Sewing Machine.
Now l4tter myself that noble impulse suggested that
idea and 1stnctyy assumed the perpendicular before
the mirror that gt gaze upon the counterfeit present
ment Of phi!anthropist thought say serene beug-
nifty resting upon my side whiskers fanaed that noble
charity beamed from my specacles while my auburn hair
(ome persons ireveny call it red seemed to gov with
the ervor of Christian spirit engaged in noble works
It was a foregoue conclusion tha. was to purchase
genuine shuttle sewing machine with sort 0! 'hooke-
snfvyn attachment make lock stitch, Gone Of the old
Kind, brass mounted" Rut not word TO Ms. Tlmpkins
about it. wanted her to be astonishtd and gaGdaDed.
went the next m5rDing to establishment where saw
sundry sewing machines and a beautiful fen ale
gifted with pleasing manners operate upon them She had
blue eyes, and winning ornone; musical voice, and
persuasive nctw about her ha; aurng teeth ard
pr,ssve CATERS; attractive form and eloquent en-
broidercd sRt ana the way she made cloth travel through
that machine a caution to fingers. The needle kept
punching holes through the cloth like IaveEe crowbar,
and faster than the chatter CT little uFgers teeth in
equnoxal storm, and each punch made stitch measured
with mechanical exaclncss, amidst rickey yrcletty wh
Of the machinery the highly suggestive TO the uniniti
ated Of the old ra-jn "ustn'; meade win edge tools
Then seeing what stale OF enthusiasm hal reached, she
put in SONIC fancy touch,s as q ciincher She made the
into all sorts OF c0kews, AMI finally capped the cl
by sewing the Lors Prayer, the Declaration Of Inde
pendencs, in lll, and picture Adam and Eve
in the Garden Eden, and tie Stars and Stripes, aad all
piece 0: coth two inches square, at the time
putting embroidered margin to give effect This
last dodge settled the matter rsia the price aad gave
directions where to send the macLina.
When presented Mrs. Tonpkins, as expected s.
,co8 astonished and not only astonscd but eecttie
though she was AFRAID she would never be able t. rse it,
However, after three days practice and close read
ing the directions got the hang Of the conyance and
III = week more at acc '1p ~ei sowing enough 20 Cau
cart AID that too without eng consumption Of midnight
oil.
But in tn meantime Mrs. Tompkias had been preparing
surprise for me. Size bought book called Every Man
his Tailor" which gave explicit directions to the ur
skilled how to cut masculine toggery in accordance
with the latest sge and guided by this book amt pair Of
pants MIS- Tompkins slashed ntoa piece Of cloth She
applied the sewing machine to the ruins, when presto!
pair of pants greeted her vision. few touches OF at-
iron and rrrssh ara completed the structure, that
night received Il compliment Of pair of pantaloors,
the triumph rr Mrs TomItins genius.
wish eysy yoiy could have experienced ay feelings
when Mrs T. gave those panaioons. AZ enough up
which 10 pride myself in possessing her sd reTrlea
in her smiles, had watched her mo;hc'g and guild
ince our little knew that in times Of adversely
her affection had ba. tower OF strength upon which
lad leaned that she had sootEed my sorros, smaohed
my linen, and had been ygilant in caring for my
morals and bu,,ons II was q happy moment when
,ought that sewing machiae that might mofy the Sc
verify her and the bloom upon her
,heek But douoly Was Il gratfsi when, With woman's
remembrance Of little obndness she had hastenra TO
show her appre ation the gf. To be the panta
looms were little tiSlt in the knees somewhat loose in the
waist trs LOAF in the hips, and rather short in the legs
little full before behind, and the pockets
rot easily accessible (Which Mrs 7. ingenousIy Su
sested make pro against ckpocket), but aside
from these slight defects they certainly admirable
pants.
But come now 10 an cp sode in my saving machine e.,
perience which borders the tragic. And briefly
ncunce to the world thai sewing maclocs are nockery,
delusion and Fond hopes tina. my imagination
had raised high, like proud banner the battle field,
Haunting before the enemy in the moment Of expect
victory have been stricken Gown! Farewell TO the
cherished belief at the signs oF old would keep aoo
rom Mrs Tomrkns form and face, and she remain uvc
nescent even when her ege should be measured by scores
Of winters! al is gone!
Let ne tell YOU Low ithappened. nat gifted with
gigantic powers Of mind that would fit achieve
ders at the Aesd OF arshaed amid the din OF
have the classic dignity of beang and rhetorical c
ture that would enable to properly preside the
Board Of Aldermen, were member Of that body bat
there things can do and If excel in anything it
in things saatoy can dance Let The inspiring notes
of the violin greet my ear, and spontaneous impulse
eliminated from this mortal Frame Germs
longer source of eorporcal buation, and my limbs
to v5rae responsive to Ire catepccs Of the
gut.
Of hsn these being the facts, when invited
attend with Mrs ronpsns the annual ball OF the John
Smith Grenad;-r accepted the invitations and course
too decided that Mrs TOmpkins latest achievement:
masculine raicen to hoEor the occasion. W. did
co. and did dance. did tg things in the Terpsa
line, and several times while executing these mag
niudinous matters, thought something giving way
in my exterior rigging; hut superficial Glancs al iay
wardrobe disclosed nothing the way OF lacera;jon
fracture urorrrdoi with nv rvnnascs with faith I'M
shaken in the pemanency of my clothing. At last the
Lanoers came On the programme Now if there anything
in the saaory vocabulary that ike better than anything
else il Is the Lsncers There is something in the gGres
that is calculated to draw out whatever physical gaces
person possesses ater nyse!fthat led of gay!y and
grac.ulIy and that the Lancers attered itself that it
extremely fortunse in having to exhibit its BEAUTIES,
az to the time when the lady AMI opposite gentleman for
ward and salute each other the latter by bow. IN this
figure particularly excel and approached the lady
made graceful but low and reverenta obeisan
But 10y head reached the lowest point OF etiquette, felt
abrupt giving way in my neither rigging, accompanied
ty sudden rough grating sound like u7to quartete OF
ripaws travelling up 1y Iana with speed portel-
of rapid dissolution of needlsworb. ny legs sudden
y felt relieved from all external restraint looked down
upon the scene below with sort 9f whirng sensation Te
Gods. what sight! Where was once stunning pair of
psntaoons, strips cloth dangling about my
classic legs like black from pirates masthead in
calm. made one convuisve jump, landed sixesn feet
distant ' the door, knocking an elderly female under
sofa tbs way, and in fifteen seconds was carriage
my way home, leaving Mrs Tompkins constitute a
ord lead
stocd before the mirror and contemplated the ruins.
had put my trust in sewing machines and deceived
Hencsorih, in despair turn my face against all modern
improvements and al such di2bo.ica contrivances.
shall buy horse and wagon, and never give eolnenance
to railroad shall dig veil in my back yard, and
with wgl, sweep and bucket supply myself with the
qusite fluids for family use, and cut of communication
with Jones' Falls Tanw candles shall dispace the gas
light Of domicle and spirit o!d Fygyism shall
hold Tevel ia my Gouain.
TIMOTHY T0MPKINS.
P. S-Snce writing the above based upon f,rther infor
nation ami experience have del from the desparing
views there aken Mrs Tomr&ins terribly clsgrined
distress sicwsnt e7 friend Mrs Pipes Cor womanly
pathy But Mrs Pipes todher that the whole trouble grew
out Of having of the right kind sewing machines
that most were, of fact traps in which the
wary caught She showed Mrs Tompkns hers-one of
GROVE ER 8 BAKERS, with their peculiar stitch-whch
she said was sure preventive against auy such calamity
had experienced the ball According to her description
while the upper thread IN the Grover & Baker machine
went through the cloth thread started off up the
middle down the outside cast OF right and lett
the last stth dodged through the next turned