Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1860-12-28
ARTEMUs WARD VISITS LINCOLN


hiv no politics. Nary one Pm not in
the 6isniss. If L was, spose L should holler
verlfrusly in the streets at mite and 90 home 10
Betsey Jane smellin Of coal lie and gin in the
mornin- should 20 to the Poles arly should
stay there all day. / should see to it that my
nabers was thar. should git carriages to take
the kripples, the inirm and the indignant thar
should be On gard agin frauds and sich. I
should be on the look out for the infamus lise
of the enemy, got up jes bel elecshuu for per-
litical etfeck. When all was over and my can
dydate elected, should move heaven arth-
so to speak-until got Oriice, which if L di1n' t
git Ori6ce should turn round & abooze the
Administration with ell my mite and maine.
But m not in the bisiniss I'm in far more
respectful bisiniss nor whot pollertics is. 1
wouldn't give two cents to be Congresser
The wuss insult ever received was when sertin
citizens OF Baldinsville axed me to run fur the
Legislator. Sez L, my friends, dostest think
/ d stoop to that there?" They turned as white
as sheet. l spoke in my orfullest tones, &
they knowed wasn't to be triaed with They
slunked out of site to Onet.
There4I having no politics, made bold to
visit Old Abe at his huustid in Springfield
found the old feller in his parlor, surrounded
by perfeck swarm of orifce seekers. knowing
he had been capting Of a fat boat on the roarin
Mississippi, thought I'd address him in sailor
lingo, so sex "Oid Abe, ahoy Let out yer
main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer
jib-pOop overheard. Shiyer my timbers, my
harry n. B.-This is ginuins marine lam
gwidge. / now, becauz I've seen sailor plays
acted out by them New York theater feliers. |
Old Abe lookt up quite cross 4 SEE, "Send in
yer petition by 4 by. can't possibly look at it
no. Indeed, I can't. It's onpossible, sir!'
''Mr Linkin, who do you spect air?' sed L.
"a orifce seeker, to be sure" sed he
"Wall, sir" sed l, ''yous never more mis-
IN in Hnu aip rok n 4
take under no circumstances, I'm A. Ward
Wax fggers is my perfeshun. I'm the father of
Twins, and they look like me-bOM of Them
1 cum to pay friendly visit to the President
eleck of the United States If so be you wants
to see me say so-if not say SO, I'm orf like
jug handle
Mr.. Ward, sit down. lam glad to see you,
SIR"
"Repose in Abrsham's Buzzum =" sed one
Of the orifce seekers, his idee bein to get OFF
gosk at 10y expence.
Wall, " sez I, "ef all. you feIlers repose in
that there Buzzum thare'll be nifty poor nus
sin for sum Of you" whereupon Old Abe but
toned his weskit clear up, and blusht like
msiding of sweet l6. Just at this pint of the
conversation another swarm of orifce seekers
arroye d cum pilin into the psrlor. Sum wanted
post orifces, sum wanted collectorships, sum
wanted furrin missions, and all wanted sum
thin. / thought Old Abe would 20 crazy
He hadn't more than had time to shake
hands with 'em before another tremenjis
crowd cum porein onto his premises. His
house and dOoTyard was now perfeckly over
flowed with orifce seekers, all clamerus for a
immejit interview with Old Abe. One man
from Ohio, whe had about seven inches of corn
whisky into him, mistoOk me fur Old Abe and
addrest me as The Pra- hay -rie Flower Of the
West" Thinks you want offs putty bad
Another man with gold-hesded cane and
red nose told Old Abe he was a 'seckind Wash
ington and the pride of the boundliss West.'''
See l, square you wouldn't take a small
Post Offs if yould git it, would you %
See he, = a pstrit is abuy them things, sir ~
There's a putty big crop of patrits this
season, amt there, square ?" seq l, when an
other crowd of offs seekers poured in The
house, dOor-yard, barn 4 woodshed was now
all full and when another crowd cum told
'sm not to 20 away for want of room, as the
hog pen was still empty. One patrit from
small town in Mishygan went up on top the
house, got into the chimney, and slid down
into the parlor where Old Abe was endeverin
to keep the hungry pack Of ofis-seekers from
chswin him up alive without benefit of clergy.
The mint he reached the fireplace he jumpt
up, brusht the SCOT out of his eyes, and yelled
Z" Don't make eny pintment ut the SpunkyilIe
postofice till you've read my papers. All the
respectful men in our town is signers to that
there dockymint!" '.a =
g Good God 20 cried old Abe, they cum
upon me from the skize-down the chimneys,
and from the bowels Of the yearth :" .I
he hadn't more n got them words out of his
delikit mouth be4 two fat ofiss seekers from
Wisconsin, In endevorin to crawl atween his
legs for the purpass Of applyin for the tollgate-
ship at Milwawki, upset the President elsck,
d hesvould hev gone sprawlin into the fire.
phase if / hadn't caught him in these arms But
hadn't more'n stood him up strate, before
another man cum crashin down the chimney
his head strikin me vilently agin the inards,
and prostratin my yoluptoous form into the
floor. " Mr.. Linkin, shoutid the infatooated
being, " my papers is signed by every clergy
man in our town, and likewise the skoolmas-
ter"
Sea I, you egrejis ass, )" gittin up & brushin
the dustfrom my eyes, "I II sign your papers
with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a lit
tie more keerful how you make my bread bas-
kit depot in the futer. How do you like that
air perfumery" sez /, shuVing my fist under
his nose Them the kind Of papers I'll Civ
you! Them's the papers you want"
- But workt hard for the ticket; I toiled
night and day. The patrit should be rewar-
''virtoO," ssd I, hoIdin' the infatooated man
by the cOstcollsr, ''virtoo, sir, is its own re-
ward. Look at me !" He did look at me, and
qualed BED my case. "The fact is" contin-
ued, lookin' round upon the hungry crowd,
"there is scarcely q ofiss for every lie lamp
carrid round durin' this campane. wish
there was furrin missions to be filed on vsris
Islands where eppydemics rage incessantly,
and if l was in Old Abe's place I'd send every
mothers son Of you to them. What air you
here for!' continuered, warmin' up consid-
erably, "can't you Civ Ace a minit's peace
Dsn't you see he's worried most ts death. Go
home you miserable men, go home and till the
sile. Go to peddlin tinware-go to chopin
wOod-go to biiin sope--stuff fsassingers-black
boots-git clerkship on sum respectable ma
nure csrt-go round as original Swiss Reli
Ringers-becum original and only Campbell
Minstrels-go to leeturin at SO dollars a mite
imbark in the peanut bizniss-tcrite for the
LSdgsr-saw of your legs and 60 round givin
concerts, with teehin appeals to charitable
public, printed on your handbiils anything
Tor honest livin; but don't cum round here
drivin old Abe crazy by your outrages cuttins
up. Go home Stand not upon the order of
your goin, but 90 to onct II in Eve minnits
from this time, SEE /, pullin out my new six