Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1860-05-03
Dumorous.
,UT L0vENGO0D's LIZARDS,

SUT LOvENGOOD's LIZARDS.
BY BYs-L-, OF TENNESSEE.
$8-EIr DuLLER REWARD.
This cash will be paid in korn or produce
to e>colicted at ur aboute mex kampmetin
by enc wun what ketchis him, for the cacus
owe wun SUTTY LovENGooD ded ur alive an
safely gin over tu the car owe Passon John
Bullin, at Squire mack Junkins for raisin
owe the devil permiscusly, discumfutin the
wimin powerful an skarin owe folks GIN
orally at the ratil snaix springs big meetin',
signed by me
JouN BuLL1N the Passon.
attested tu by
JEHU WETHoRroN
found written copies of the above highly
ineligible and vindictive proclamation stuck
upon every blacksmith shop. doggery, and
store door in the Frog Mountain range
Its bloodthirsty, vindictive spirit, it's style,
and, above all, its chirography, interested
me to the extent of stealing one from a
tree for preservation.
In few days found SUIT in good crowd
in front of Capehart's small doggery, and as
he proved to be about in tune" I read it
to him. eyes, George, that ar docyimint
am in yearnest, sartin They dus want me
powerful bad, but I spect cit dullars won't
fetch me- I'll 60 myself, fur fifty, planked
down, ef yu'll go long and see me hev JUS
owe yourn blow little, and I'll splain this
cussed afar what hes ruinated my karacter
II, Oh
Ye see, went to last years big meetin at
Ratil Snaix Springs, an were sittin in nice
shady place conversin with frien in the
huckil berry thicket, when the fust thing [
know'd [ woke from trance, what I'd been
knocked inter by a four year old hickory
stick in the han of ole Passon Bullin, durn
his alligator lookinh hide ! an he wur standin
a straddle ov me, foamin at the mouth
an a preachin tu me about sartin sins
an my wickedness ginerally. My pur
frien wur gone, an [ was glad owe it, fur |
thot he ment tn kill me with his club eff he
failed tu preach me tu deth, an didn't want
her tn see me die
"Who was the friend you speak of, sut ?"
"N-u-n Owe YOUR b-u-s-n-i-s-durn
your little ankshus pictur But I'll tell ye
one thing, George; that mite neibor gall
got an orful confounded stroppin from her
nam with the stirrup lether owe saddil,
an old Passen Bullin had ct supper thar that
mite and what's wus nur all. she cooked it
fur i'm and begged him trimblin and cryin
not tu tell on her, the durne internal hiper-
kritikal, pot-bellied, whisky -wastin old
ground hog; but [ paid i'm fur it all, eff I
haint l will I mean tu keep payin owe
i'm all the time. Well, at mex big meetin
at Ratil Snaix, [ wus on han, as solemn as
hat kerrier at collection time, for [ had
promised the old hog to cum an be converted,
just to keep him from KILN me. | TUX a
seat on the steps owe the pulpit, to prove |
wur in yearnest. Thar was monstrous
crowd in that grove, an ole Bullin wur a
preachin tn EN- at an orful rate-how the
He'll Sarpants wud sarve EN- if they did't
repent-how they'd crawl over them, rap
thar tails roun thar necks, poke thar tungs
into thar eyes and blow inter thar years !;
and eff it wur an oman, how they'd guile in
her bussum. and try to craul down under
her frock string. An he he'd EN- hot, hol-
lerin, and scared the fac is, the thing was
workin powerful Now I'd kotch five big
gray pot-bellied Lizards, and he'd EN- in a
little narrer bottom poke, and packed as tite
as bundle owe sticks
$50 while he wur rarin onto his tiptoes,
onbenowenst tu anybody, I ontied my poke
and put the outh.up under his britches leg,
:. and gin their legs squeeze an shake,
when they all TUX up his bar leg, making
owe Mise sorter like squirrils climbing a
shell bark hickory. He stopped preachn,
and looked for moment like he wur lis
tin fur something, sorter like an ole SOW
does when she hears you whistle for the
dogs. I give big groan, and hilt my he'd
atween my knees. Then he commenced a
slapin owe his self whar ye cut the steak
outen beef, then he'd fetch rub whar a
hosses tail sprouts, then he'd stomp. then
run his han atween his wisbun and his shut,
and reach down an roun mitily with it.
then he spread his big legs and give his
back good shakin, sort owe rub agin the
pulpit sorter like hog scratches agin a
stump; leaning to his work powerful, and
squirming generally zif he'd jist cum outen
dog bed. or had slep on a pisant trail
About this time one owe my lizard (scared
and hurt, / spose, by all the rubin and
scratchin and slappin) poked his head out
atwccn the passon's shut collar an his old