The weekly pioneer and Democrat. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. Territory) 1855-1865, 1860-03-16
Artemus Ward Becomes the Happy
Father Of Twins.

found the immortal waters of youth, 80 to
speak, & am as timber and risky as 2 yer
old stear, and In the futur them boys which
SEE ego up old bawled head" to me, will do
so at the Peril of their hazard, individoo-
ally. line powerful happy! Heaps of Joy
has descended uph me to 0nct & / feel like
a bran new man.. Sometimes arsk myself,
sis it not dream?" & suthin within my
self SEE cit air." but when I look at them
sweet little critters know it is reallerity--
2 reallerity's I may sa--& I feels gay.
There's considerbul human natur in man,
arter all.
I returned from the Summer Oampane
with my unparalleled show of wax-works
and Twin wild Beests of Pray, in the erly
part of this month. The people of Bald
winsville met me cordully and 1 immejitly
commenst restin myself with my farmly.
The other nitc while was down to the
tavern tostin my shns agin the bar room
fire & amusin the krowd with sum of my
adventures, who should cum bare headed &
terrible excited but Bill Stokes, who SEE,
SEE he "Old Ward, there's great doins up
to yur house."
SEE /, civilian, how so?"
SEE he, "Bust my gizzurd, but it's CRATE
dOins," and then he larfed as if he'd kill
hiself.
SEE 1, risin and putin on a austeer look,
"Wiliam, woodnt be fool if had COM
mon cents"
But be kept on larin till he was black in
the face, when he fell over onto the bunk
whar the hostler sleeps, and in still small
voice sed, "Twins!" l ashure yu, gents,
that the grass didn't grow under my feet on
my way home, & was follered by an enthoo-
siastic throng of my Teller siterzuns, who
hurrard for Old Ward at the top of their
voices. found the house chuck full of
people There was Mis- Square Baxter and
her three grown-up darters, lawyer Per-
kinses wife, Taperthy Ripley, yung Eben
Parsuns, Doctor JOrdn, etsettery, etsettery.
Mis- Ward was in the west room, witch jines
the kitchen. Mis- Square Baxter was mixin
somthin in dipper before the kitchen fire,
& small army of female wimin were runin
wildly round the house with bottles of cam
fire, peaces of fannil, &c. 1 never seed sich
hubbub in my material born daes. could
stay in the west room only mint, so sturn
up was my feelins, so l rusht out and seased
my bubble barrild gun.
"Wot on airth ails the man 2" SEE Taper
thy Ripley. "Sakes alive, what air 20 do
in?" & she grabd me by the coat tales.
"Wots the matter with yu 2" she contin-
nered. ---
Twins, marin, twins" SEE 1.
81 known it," SEE she, Govern her face with
her aprun.
"Wail," sed 1, "that's wot's the matter
with mer'
"Wail, put dewn that air gun, you pesky
old TOOL" sed she.
"NO marm," SEE I, "this is nashunal
day. The glory of this here day issent cons
fined to Baldwinsville by durued site. On
yonder woodshed," sed I, DRAWN myself up
to my full hite and speakin in show actin
voise, twill l fire nashunal saloot !" sayin
witch l tared myself from her grasp rusht to
the toy of the shed, where l blazed away
until Square Baxter's hired man and my
son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me down
by name fOrse.
On returning to the kitchen, fnund quite
lot of people seeted be4 the fire, talkin
the event over. They made room for me &
l sOt down.
"Quite episode" said Doctor Jordin,
litin his pipe with red-hot cole.
eyes" sed 1, "2 eppisodes, waing about
10 pounds unity"
"a perfect coop de tat" sed the skoolmas-
ter. ...
"Epluribus unum, in proprietor persony,"
sed /, thinkn de let him know understood
turin langwedges as well as he did, if l wasn't
skoolmaster.
"It's a momentous event." sed yung Eben
Parsuns, who has been 2 quarters to the
Academy.
81 never heard twins called by that name
afore," SEE 1, "but spose its all rite"
1--WE shall soon have Wards enuf," sed the
editor of the Baldwinsville Bugle of Liberty,
who was looking over bundle of exchange
papers in the corner, "to apply to the legis-
lature for city charter"
"Good for you, old man !" SEE /, "give
that air CONSPICUOUS place in the next Blu.
gle."
GLOW redickus," sed purity Susan Fetch
er, GOVERN her face with her knitting work
& latin like all posest."
"WaIl, for my part" sed Jane Maria
Peaseley, who is the crossest old maid
in the world, 81 think you all act like a
pack of FOOLS"
Sez l., Miss Peaseley, air you pari.
ent?"
SEE she, "No, I amt"
SEE l, Miss Peaseley, you never will be-"
She left.
We sot there talkin' and larfn' until "the
switchin' hour of mite, when grave yards
yawn & Costs troop 4th," as old Bill Shakes.
pre- aptlee observes in his dramy of John
Sheppard, Esq, or the moral House Breaker,
when we broke up and discussed.
Mother & children is doin well; & as
Resolushuns is the order of the day, will
feel obleeged if yule insert the follerin-
Whereas, two Episodes has happened up
in the undersined's house, which is Twins !;
and whereas, I like stile, SADIE Twins bein Of
the male perswashan & both boys; there4
Be it
Resolved, that I do most heartily thank
Epjine Ko. No. II, who, under the i'm
preshun from the fuss at my house on that
bauspishus mite, that there was konfagraa
sbun goin on, kun galyantly to the spot, but
kindly refraned from squirtin.
Resolved that from the hOttOm of nv