Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1860-03-22
MisteIlaneons.
From the Cincinnati Gazette
SIMPSON REVIVED;
A TALE.
By L. A. WILMER.

Mr.. Edward T. Simpson was citizen OF
Philalphia, who was not very remarkable
for any quality, good or bad, except dis
position to overrate his own valus and i'm
portance. Some crusty moralist checks
presumption of great men with the remark,
that the death or absence of any individ-
ual, however big be may be in bis own es-
timation, will not produce any perceptible
chasEl in society. As soon as one fellow
is gone, another will be found to fill his
place-after fashion at least; and so the
public is scarcely ever sensible of its loss.
But as Mr.. Neddy Simpson, if he had
every heard of this theory of place-flling,
be did not believe in it. His vanity as
sured him that the absence of M. E. Simp-
son from his usual sphere of action would
arrest the motions of the social machine
as certainly as the withdrawal of the bal
ance wheel or lever would stop the move
ments of watch. On this score he felt
so well satisfied that he determined to
amuse himself by applying practical Test.
Full of this grand idea, he bought pair
of skates, to be used in the experiment,
and informed his wife that he was going to
recreate himself on the CLASSY surface of
the Schuylkill.
"If I do not return before five o'clock
P. NJ" said he, "you may conclude have
broken in, and perished miserably under
the ice. But do not concern yourself my
love, about the recovery of my body, for
it will please me as well to remain at the
bottom of the river as to be regularly in
humed in a cemetery; for it is a mere mat
ter of taste whether we choose to be eaten
by worms or catfish. Besides, if l am
permitted to take my last nap under the
water, we shall avoid the trouble. and ex-
pense of funeral, and no grave-stone or
monument will be required. And so, on
the score of economy" continued Mr..
Simpson, "this mode of dying and sepul-
ture appears to be the most eligible. In
answer to the inquiries of my friends, you
may make them acquainted with my mel
ancholy fate; but let them know, at the
same time, it was my last request that no
extravagant demonstrations of grief should
be made on account of my untimely de-
cease. Finally, my dear wife, would re-
commend you to have a-suitable notice of
my death inserted in some of public pa
pers, with an illusion to my undeniable
worth, and few words of consolation ad-
dressed to the large circle of my acquaint-
ances."
His weeping partner promised obedience
to all these directions, and Mr.. Simpson,
after taking leave of her in very affecting
style, and kissing the children all round,
left the house. But instead of going to
skate on the Schuylkill, according to his
pretended design, he borrowed gun and
went on a sporting excursion into Mary
land frightened the ducks on Elk river,
and accidentally killed two or three of them
often chuckling to himself when he tho't
of the desolation which his absence and
supposed decease had occasioned in Phila-
delphia.
Meanwhile, as be did not return at the
appointed time, his wife presumed that he
had gone make geological researches at
the bed of the river, and according to his
previous instructions, she let the matter
pass over rather quietly, making no effort
to recover the body, and not disturbing her
neighbors with any obstreperous lamenta-
tions. She merely answered inquiries by
informing them that her husband had been
drowned, and notice ofhis Sudden death"
was inserted in several newspapers. Simp-
son himself was gratiied at the sight of
the obituary paragraph which appeared in
q Philadelphia journal that happened to
find its way to Maryland. The funeral no.
tice declared that sin the death of that es-
timable man society had sustained an ire
parable loss," and the exulting absentee
was perhaps the only reader who accepted
this declaration in its literal sense.
After an absence of two weeks, Mr..
Simpson considered it advisable to return
and relieve the agonizing grief of his wife
and friends. As soon as be arrived in the
city, he went to the tailoring establish
ment, where, as cutter-out of coats and
paDtaloons, be had occupied pleasant and
profitable situation for five years; but, to
bis great concern, he found that anothe,
"cutter-out" had cut him out; for the
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