Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1860-01-26
misttIIantous.
[From Once Week.
HOW AM ADVERTISEMENT GOT A
WIFE.

Tobacco is the tomb of love" writes q
modern novelist of high standing hut with
every respect for his authority beg to say it
was quite the contrary in my case
Tweniy-one years ago, / was sitting by my
hreside, totting up innumerable pages Of my
bachelors housekeeping book, taking exercise
in arithmetic on long columns of petty cash
comprising items for carrots aud bath-brickS,
metal tackS aud mutton chOpS-untl, tired
aud weared | arrived at the sum total. and
jcrked the book on the mantle-pece. Nearly
at the same time | placed my hand in the
pocket of my dressing gown, drew ont leath
er case and lit principe Well, having lit
the principe, placed my feet on the fender
and sighed, exhausted by the long job of do
meStic accounts | was then in buSineSS-'twaS
small wholesale business thea, Ills large one
now-yet -one mornings totting Of carrots and
bath bricks, of meialtackS and mlttoa-chopS,
would tire me q thousand times more than
twenty four hours of honest ledger-work |
sighed, not from love- but from labor 10 tell
the truth | had never been in love. Is this TO
go on forever ! thought |, a | took my third
Whit, and looked dreamiiy through the thin
smoke rs il ascended between me and large
print of the capture Of GibralJer which huas
over the chimney piece. Am | to spend my
prime in totting up parsnips, and computing
carrots, and comptrolling washing bills? !
sighed again, and in the act, of flew the but
ton of my ncck-band, as though some superior
power had SeaSonably sent the accident to re
mind me Of my helpleSsueSs.
The button settled the business though as
il slipped down inside my shirt, aud passed
with its mother q pearl cOldneSS over my heart,
II for moment threatened to chill mT matri
thohial resolution. | pitied my own lonely
state, aud pity, We know, is akin TO love. But
how was tie matter 10 be accomplished p
Most men Of my age would ALREADY have ad
jns;ed their Inclination to some object so that
having made up their mind and counted the
cost, little more would have remained to have
been done than 10 decide uf0d the day, and
hold upon the license This. however was
not the case with me, bad been to much
occupied, to be idle, or too iudoent too devote
the time or make the effort I'd " form an at
taehmentT Ii was through no disiDcaation
or difficulty to be pleased for had any yolng
lady of moderately agreeable powers taken the
trouble, she might haze married me long ere
then. 1 should have even been grateful TO her
for taking the trouble of my hands but
was too baShful to adopt the initiative.
was bashful man. This weakness came
from the same cause rs my Uncle Toby's-
namely, want of acquaintance with female
society, which want arose from another cause
10 my caSe-uamely, too close al application
10 business.
Accordingly thought Of an advertisement;
Jet with 10 practical design of doing business,
bot as persuaded, for joke. So scratch
ed With pencil oa the back of a letter, the
following:
W1NrEn AWIFE None but principals need
apply. The advertiser does not require cash,
but ohly compaaion. Heis six and twenty,
aud tired Of sugle life, he thinks be can settle
down to married Iife AS men 20, be 6elieres
he has moderate share Of temper, and Sant
Of time is his only feasdn for having recourse
10 the newspapers. He has enough means for
himself aud second party. and is willing to
treat at once He is quite aware that great
many attempts 10 convert his honest atten-
tons into an extravagant joke will be made,
but he warns all rash intruders. Ii he finds
man hardy enough to make sport of his af
fections, he viii thtash him-if w6rfan. he
will forgive her. He has heart for the sin
eere, .horseWhip for the impertinent. In
either case, all applications will be promptly
attended TO. II addhess0d 10 p. p, 10 The Of
fec Of this Fapsf.
felt proud Of nv composition, and putfsd
away my principe With vague glee and aa-
ticipation Of something coming oat Of it. |,
esd nc very grea, idea that anything bat f1u