The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1860-02-22
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

One sells tea-setS ana the otner seI-Oees'
Another such present would ru-
in me-" rs the man said when his wife
presented him with two responsibilities
at birth.
- An Iowa exchange paper says:
off you would be happy, love the Lord,
pay the Printer, and be Democrat"
Sound doctrine, no mistake.
"No sirreei / amt a-going Ter
celebrate the arrival of lot of blamed
foreigners in this country. The Pilgrim
Fathers be smothered-that's what /
say"
- Early on very cold morning, a
travelling profile cutter called at the house
of a wag, and inquired if he wanted q
profile taken? EYES," was the reply, ~
want yours taken from my door,"
- One might as well try to persuade
the women of America 10 give up eating
as dancing. It's about the only exercise
one half Of them get--poor creatures
and it were cruel to deprive them of it.
= We once looked with awe upon the
Kentucky giantess, eight feet high, lack
ing two inches. She was about the only
woman we ever saw that wasn't in danger
Of marrying beneath her.
- Mrs. Darlington, upon reading in
the Post that the Boston Light Guards
appeared last evening in "undress uni
FORM" said: "Well, if soldiers will go
naked, l am glad they don't train in the
day time"
= Poetry is said TO be the flower of
literature; prose is the corn, potatoes and
meat; satire is the aquafortis; wit is the
spice and pepper; love-letters are the hon
ey and sugar; letters containing remit
tances arc the apple dumplings.
- A witness, on entering tho box,
had Testament presented to him, but
he declined TO be sworn. Being asked
his reasons for refusing, he naively replied +:
"Tll tell lie WI ony mon i England,
but I'll not swear to it,"
- At the police court, in Hartford,
James Cosgrove was sentenced to prison
for forty days for getting drunk. "Say
thirty, yer honor" suggested Mr.. Cos
grove; thirty days is long enough TO
get the drunk out Of any man."
= The woodman who "spared that
tree" has run short of wood, and is almost
"splitting" with vexation TO think how
"green" he was. He now "axes" do
nation from the gentleman at whose re-
quest his destructiveness was stayed.
- AS soon as the North Pole is found,
il will with the goat belonging to Robin
son Crusoe, be publicly sold. The Pole,
when creased, and the goat when shaved,
will be in great demand for secret societies
to add solemnity TO their limitations.
A publisher of newspaper out
west in the first issue of his journal, re-
turns thanks to those who loaned him the
pecuniary means, and gratitude to Heav-
en- that there is no law in the State en-
forcing Imprisonment for debt.
- person reading n quotation from
the London Literary Gazette, respecting
the consumption of oil, found the usual
Observation-Disclosures Lit. Gaz. Upon
asking the meaning of a neighbor, he
was informed that it meant London is lit
with gas.
"Well, Jane, this is queer world"
said cara sposo 10 his wife at breakfast,
the other morning; ga sect of women
philosophers have just sprung up!'
Iudeed," said Jane, "and what do
they holdp
"The strongest thing in nature" said
he, "their tongues"
-"Well, Tom, does your gal continue
to love your"
Yes, more than ever. Why, she
makes mo presents"
"What has she given you lately"
90, she made mo present Of my pic
ture, which l paid five dollars for before /
gave it TO her."
- An Irish sailor, giant of known
bravery, who was in boat at the siege
of Copenhagen, kept down his head while
n shot was flying over the boat.
"For shame; hold up your head ~
Numbered the officer in the stern.
81 will, sir, when there's room for it,"
was the laughing response.
- Al one of the agricultural fairs re-
Gently held in Connecticut, farmer gave
early notice to the secretary of his entries
for the " fare" He was to send one
"Duram" bull, one 'you," (ewe) and two
slams" If his "vewcs" concerning tho
rules of the society were "rong" he
hoped the secretary would "rite him the
next male"
allow dreadful that cigar smells p
exclaimed Gushing TO companion
"Why, it's an awful smelling thingw
40, no, il is not the cigar that smells, "
was tho reply.
"What is it then" inquired Gushing.
Why IFS voiir nose that smells OF