The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1860-12-26
Artemus Ward on HiG Visit to Abe
Lincoln,
From Vanity Fairl

From Vanity Fair.l
hiv no politics. Nary one. I'm no
IN the bisness. II was spose Id hole
: versilfusly 10 the streets ut mite, and n
: home TO Betsey Jane smellin .. coal lie On.
gin 10 the morning. should 20 % Poles
srly. should stay there all d'y. shoul.
see 10 i that my nabers was thar. shouls
gil carrges 70 take the krippss, the intiru
and the indignant thar.
i There4, hasin no politics. | made bold L
visit Old Abe At his humstid in Springfield
found the old fsller in his parler. surround.
ed by perfect swarm OF orfice seekers.
KNOWN he had been captng Of flit. boat
on the rosrin Mississippy, though; I'D ad
dress him in sailor lingo, SO sez |. "Old Abe
ahoy! Let out yer msinsuls, reef hum the
forecastIe g. threw yer jib-poop over. board
SILVER my timbers, my hartyr IN. B.
This i ginuins mariner lsncwidge know
becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by
them New York iheater fellersl Old Abe
Iookt up quite cross and sez: "Send in ye,
pertition by g. by. can't possibly look al
i now. Indeed / cart. Iss onpossiLle.
sir.,
"Mr. Linkin, who do You spect siri''
sed I.
IAN oriice seeker 10 be surel, sed ne.
"WaIl. sir" sed !. "you's never more mis-
taken in your life. You hsint got orifice
I'd take under no circumstances. I'm Al
Ward Wax fggers j. my perfeshuu. I'm
the father Of twins and they look like me
both Of them cum to pay friendly viz
It TO the President cleo, Of the United States
II 50 be you wan 10 see me sny so-ii
not, say so, & am orr like jug handle =
me- Ward. 81, down. am glad 10 see
you, sir .
"Rspose in Ab-shan's Buzzomv' sed one
Of the orfce seekers, his idee bein 70 get of
a COAX At my expense.
"Wall," sez I, "ef ally you fellers reposs in
that there Buzzum there'll be nifty poor nus
sin for some Of you." Whereupon old A be
bustoned his weskit clean up. and blushed
like q maiden Of sweet l6. Al this pint or
The conversation another swarm Of orfce
seekers arove & cum into the parler- Sum
wanted post orifces, sum wanted collector
ships. sum wanted furrin missions, aad ali
wanted sumthin thought Old Abe would
90 crazy. He hadn't more than time to
shake hands with 'em bel another lremenjis
crowd c I'm Porein onto his premises.
His house and dooryard was now perfectly
overlooked with orifice seekers. al clamorus
ior lmmsjit intervieg with Old Abe. One
man from Ohio, who had about seven inches
Of corn whisky in him. mstovk me for Old
Abe and sddrest me IS "ihe Prshsyrie Flow.
or Of The West" Thinks j you wants e
offs putty ba1. Another man with gold
headed cane aud red nose told Old Abe he
Sas "seckind Washington g. the Pride ofl
The Boundliss West
Sez |, "Square, you wculJn't take small
II you could git il. would your
Ssz he. "A pairit is ubuy them things.
'irr'
There's putty Dig crop Of pa,rts ihis
reason. sin't there. Squarei SEE /, when an
,ther crowd Of offs seekers pored in. The
rouse, door, yard, barn and woodshcd was
row all foil, end when another crowd cum
old 'em not 10 60 awsy for want OF room. as
he hog pen was still empty. One psirit
rom small town in Mshygan went up on
op Of the house, got into the chimney and
lid down into the parer where Old Abe
vas endeverin 70 keep the hungry pack OF
'fis seekers from chawin him up alive with
ut benefit Of the clergy. The mint he
cached the fire. place, be jumpt up, brusht
he 500, out Of bis eyes and yelled: "Don''
make eny pintmens u the SpunkvilIe post
fiis ill you've read my papers. All the re- 4
pectful men In our town is signers 10 that '
here dccymentr'
GOOD God., cried Old Abe, "they cum .
pom me from the skies down the chin.
sys, and from the bowels Of the yesrthw Y
lie hadn't more'n got them words out Of bis e
elikit mouth bel tow fat offs seekers from o
IN endesvorin to crawl stween 0
is legs for the purpus Of spplyn for toll b
steship At Milwswky, upsot the President
lcck and he would hev gone sprawIin into
10 Fireplace II hadn't caught him in these
rms. But hadn't more'n stood him no o.