The daily exchange. [volume] (Baltimore, Md.) 1858-1861, 1860-12-08
THE TRIBULATIO
OF
TIMOTHY TONPkINS, ESQ.,,
Who Relateth his Experience with
SEWING MACHIN ES.

changed yet would like to have the affairs of this life
modified as not to call forth my atrocious characters
ties, circumstances last night did. But as feel more
calm this morning, will chronic" the facts as terrible
warning to those who have faith in the Vaccinations Of
modern inventors.
My commiscraton has been often excited in behalf of
Mrs Tompkins, seeing her from dawn to midnight work
ing with her needle because, with Of pride,
felt that robody but herself good enough plan
and execute in the preparation of raiment for children
But fortnight since, sight at her face sug
the Brilliant idea that after ALL her caprice might be
graed and that too without her having to perform the
excessive ply sca labor viii she then enduring That
idea buy a Sewing Machine
Now nater myself that a noble impulse suggested that
idea and instncvey assumed the perpendicular before
mirror might upon the counterfeit present
OF philanhropist. thought saw serene benig-
nifty resting upon my side whsker fanGea that noble
charity peamed my spc:acles; while my auburn hair
(aoe persons irreverenty call red seemed glow with
the fervor of a Christian spirit engaged in noble works
1t was forcgone conclusion that l to purchase a
genuine shuttle sewing machine with sort of "hookem-
snivy attachment to make lock stitch, cone of the old
kind, brass mountedn But not word to MIS- Tompkins
about it wanted her to be astonished and gaddened
went the next morning to establishment where saw
sundry sewing machines and | saw a beautiful fen ale
gifted with pleasing operate upon Them She had
hue eyes, and winning crnolne musical voice, and a
persuasive network about hai aluring teeth and
prrssye CATERS an attractive form and eloquent
brodcred skirt and the way she made cloth travel through
that machine caution to fingers. The needle kept
punching holes through cloth like Juvenile crowbar,
and than the chatter of little niggers teeth in
viaI and n
with mechanical amidst whrI
Of the machinery that highly suggestive 20 the unDti
ated of the old maxim, "Mustnt meide with edge tools
Then seeing what state of enthusiasm hai reached She
put in some farcs touches, cncher She made the
all sorts Of curlkews and finally capped the eli
by sewing the Lords Prayer the Deca alton OF Inde-
pendence, my full and picture of Adam and Eve,
in Garden Eden and the Stars and Stripes and all
on piece of clcth inches square, at the time
putting on an embroidered margin give it effect This
dodge settled the matter paid the price, and gave
directions where to send the machine.
When presented to Mrs Tompkins expected, she
1ods asonsed only astonished but electrified,
though she afraid she would never be able to it
However after two or three days practice
ing the directions she got the hang Of the contrivance and
in week had accomplished sewing enough to load
cart ard that without consumption Of midnight
oil.
But in the meantime Mrs. Tompkns had been preparing
a surprise for me. SIZE bought book called Every Man
his Tailor which gave explicit directions to the
skilled how to cut out mascuae toggery in accordance
with the latest STYLE and guided by this book and pair Of
pants Mrs Tompkins slashed piece Of cloth She
applied the sewing machine TO the ruins. when presto
pair Of pants greeted her vision. few touches at
iron and board completed the structure, that
night received the compliment Of pair of pantsocns
the triumph OF Mrs. Tompkns geniu:.
wish everybody could have experienced my feelings
when Mrs. T. gave those Panaloons. had enough up
which pride myself in possessing her. had reveed
in her smiles, had watched her mothcry guild
of our little knew that in times of adversely
her affection had been tower Of strength upon which
had leaned, that she had soohed my smoothed
my linen, and had been viglant in caring for my
morals and buttons. 1t happy moment when
bought that sewing machine that might molIfy the
verify her and the bloom upon her
cneek But doubly was gratifed when, with woman's
remembrance little acts of kindness she had fastened to
her appreciation Of the gift To be the panta
looms were little tight in the knees somewhat loose in the
trie long hips and rather short in the legs
little full before, and scant behind and the pockets were
not easily accessible (Which, Mrs. T. ngeniously
gesed make them proof against pick pocket bat aside
from these slight defects they certainly admirable
pants
But come now 10 ep sodc in my sewing machine
perience which borders the tragic. And l briefly
to the world that sewing machines mockery
delusion and Fond hopes that my imagination
had raised high like proud banner the battle field
Haunting before the enemy in the moment of expect
victory have been stricken down. Farewell to the
cherished belief that the signs Of old age would keep aoof
from Mrs Tompkns form and face, and she remain juve
nescen even when should be measured by
Of ofwinters All is gone
Let tell YOU how ithappentd. ! am not gifted with
gigantic powers Of mind that would fit to achieve won
ders the head of marshaed forces amid the din Of
have the classic dignity of bearing and rhetorical cul
ture that would enable to properly preside the
Board Of Aldermen, were member of that body; bat
there things can do and if excel in thing it
is in thpgs sataory can dance Let the inspiring notes
of the violin greet my and by spontaneous impulse
rheumatism is eliminated from this mortal frame,
longer of corportal ribulaton, and my limbs
vbrate responsive the cadences the
gut
of course then these being the facts when invited
attend with Mrs Tompkns the annual ball of the John
Smith Grenadiers accepted invitations and of course
twas decided that Mrs Tompkns latest achievement
in masculine raiment to honor the occasion We did
co. and we did dance did some big things in the Terpse
chorean ne and several executing these mag
nitudinous matters though something giving way
in my exterior rigging but superficial glance at my
wardrobe disclosed nothing the way of laceration
fracture proceeded with my gymnastics with faith un
shaken in thu permanency of my clothing At last tbs
Lancers came the programme Now if there anytfn,
in the saltaory vocabulary that like better than anythn
else the Lancers There is something in the figure
that calculated out whatever physical graces
person possesses. hatter myselftha led off gayly
gracefully, and that the LancerS atteed itself that it
extremely fortunate in having to exhibit its BEAUTIES
the time when the lady and opposite gentleman for
ward and salute each other the latter by bow In TIM
figure particularly excel, and approached the lady
made graceful but low and reverentia obesan
But my head reached the lowest point etiquette fel
abrupt giving way in my neither rigging accompanies
by sudden rough grating sound like unto quartette
rp-saws travelling up my pantaoons with speed porten
of rapid dissolution of needewok My legs sudden
ly felt relieved from all external restraint looked dow
upon the below with sort of whrng sensation.
Gods what a sight Where stunning pair Q
pautaoons four strips of cloth dangling about
classic legs like black sreamers from pirates masthead
calm. made convusve jump, landed sixteen fee
distant hy the door, knocking elderly female under
sofa on tn, way, and in fifteen seconds carriage OF
my way home, leaving Mrs Tompkins constitute SEE
ond load.
stood before the mirror and contemplated the ruins
had put my trust in sewing machines and deceived
Henceforh in despair, turn my face against all moder
improvements, ard all such diabolical contrvances
shall buy horse and wagon and give oountenanC
to a railroad car shall dig well in my back vard an
with WELL sweep aud bucket supply myself with the r.
quise fluids FOR family use, and cut off communicate
with Jones' Falls Talow candles shall displace the ga
light of my domcile, and the spirit of Old Fygyism sha
hold revel in my domain.
TIMOTHY T0MPKINS.
p S-Suce writing the above, based upon further info
views AIKEN Mrs Tompkins was terribly chacrine
the mortunes attending that pair pants and in h,
distress she to her friend Mrs Pipes, for womanly syn
pathy But Mrs Pipes told lher that the whole trouble gre
out Of having of the right kind of sewing machine
that most matter of fact traps in which the
wary were caught She showed Mrs Tompkins hers-one
GRoVE ER BAKERS, with their peculiar sch-whic
she said preventive against any such calamity;
had experienced at the ball According to her deserptio
while the upper thread in the Grover & Baker macbir
went through the CLOTH the lower thread started eff nm II
middle down the outside, cast on right and lett went rouu