The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1860-09-03
WRITTEN IN MY CELL.


lsuppose write this in the desperate hope
of awakening sympathy in some human heart,
albeit shall never know it.. 1t Is dreadful
thing to 60 to the galtows abhorred by every.
body; III q more dreadful thing TO have de-
served it.
Not the gallows 1t Ia not tia. am afraid OF.
When heard the words, = 70 be hanged oy the
neck till you are dead" could nave blessed
the Judge for that RICH icons aud most merciful
sentence. Anything 70 escape from the tn otera-
bic loathing OF my FELLOW Creatures! Yet there
is not one of them who, In detestation of my
crime has lees OF pity for me than myself
The thought OF pain, or suffering by way Of
expiauon, is a relief to me; would have 1t
crueler, more shameful, ii IL might be. No
horror that could be inflicted, would compare
with the tremendous agony of living on, after
such deed. mast hope, as suppose we All
do, that death will bring some change invoN-
ing, If not pardoa and peace, some oblivion OF
the uncomfortable present Al times, L fancy
IT will all prove dreadful dream; ssAa' Ae0"
did Il.
eve " mi read this until the hand which writes
1t is Wondering in the grave, eau sa,,n,,,nS
object TO serve bat the avo v ed one OF sehctans
grain of eompssssonn' WIS ,ixs ~"
From INV childhood, as far back as can re.
,,amhar was of an eager, passionate nature,
ooIpsrai me with confusion and ridicule, but
Trr the check of an unconQ uerable shyness,
nartly inherent partly the result OF circum.
stances. A plain-featured, awkward boy, a
posthumous son by my mothers first marriage,
ishe welded again in the second year of her
widowhosd,) my surroundings might have
been happier: l was brought up strictly
siepfather. He ruled his family bsolutely,
bal with as much justice was consonant
with a Ger tain narrow mindedness common to
msa of his stamp. / think his creed, ooe of
the seyerest regard this life ana the next
intensified this defect of his nature Il am sure
1t did not make him, or my mother, or It,s any
better or happier. She had not sufficient force
Of character, and respected that of her has
band too mucL TO attempt or to effect any
modification Of 1t. So he had his own way in
every thing. 1854
never loved my stepfather. His relation to
me had. / believe, no share in influencing my
feelings they would have been the same had
he been nv real father indeed l always con-
sidered HIM az such. may have taken advan-
tage of the fact of my pa ernIty In dlsooeying
him In after life, but certainly dared notooil
then.
sombre boyhood. had plenty OF repression,
little love; that little oes towed timidiy by my
mother, the instincts OF whose heart We're
wiser than the dictates OF her husbands head.
l believe her child stood paramount In her az
fecuons, aud that she had given MIN step
father tor his sake, rather than her own. being
left very poor at her husbands decease But
she never exhibited this partiality so openly as
10 excite his successors Suspicion or jealousy.
He might have grown kinder II ne had chill
dren Of his own; but with the exception of a
baby which died III its infancy, my mother
brought him none. have heard that he seemed
sorry and disappointed at This
We lived in London, but saw little or no
company went 10 no parties, balls, theatres,
or inter- iainments, my stepfather's creed and
inclination disposlng him against ali such in
dulgepces. He seat me 10 good day-school,
kspI me TO my tasks at home, allowed me no
more play than could be prevented, and hated
all books, except serious" ones. IA pack of
lies and nonsense" was his ordinary denun-
g. rHz of fiFf I rQad fhapr
crsrly when the opportunity offered they af-
ford me almost the only pleasant retrospection
/ retain of my boy-days. l mention these
things but in Illustration OF the circumstances
amid which my character was formed.
Passionate, impulsIye, and shy, these, re-
peat were its predominant features; the lat
Ter resulting from my comparative isolation
from youth of my own age, and from q con-
seriousness of awkwardness ana plainness of
feature. l was joked on both subjects by my
school fellows until became angrily sensitive
10 them and plainly confirmed in my shame
facedness. This and The repressive influences
at home induced a morbid habit of reserve,
which my approbativeness often burst
through, 10 my subseq uent chagrln and NOR
tifcS.ion. AS any indication of temper brought
correction or sharp comment from my STEP
father, had additional reason for seif-control,
but until manhood, / never attained much
more than the semblance of it. Then 1t de,
celved people, and in some degree myself, with
respect 10 nv disposition. II none of this had
been forced upon me; if my eager, ardent ma
ture had been allowed healthy vent; if what
was good within me had ripened in the sun
shine of affection, what bad, firmly but tender
~ repressed, might, al this hour, be an hon.
ored and happy man, instead OF a condemned
murderer. ButGod knows, and He only.
School-days over, l entered my stepfather's
office He was solicitor in good practice.
had No inclination towards the profession, but
his suggest ion carried its weight OF authority,
nv mother considered ii very respec table"
and had hardly turned my thoughts in ally
d.talte direction. Unanswered iudiferently
we'll and IN due time was articled.
Coming manhood did little towards emanci-
mating me from the res traiats of home. i had
scarcely any Command of money; aud this,
with standing requisition that l should be
indoors every night by ten O'Clock, virtually
debarred me from am usement abroad. Natu-
rally Imutinied; and after struggle, effec ted
the ABOLITION of the latter privation, and some,
but no considerable, improvement in the form
err Both were conceded unwillingly and after
pertinacious opposition, originating series OF
Quarrels which. after my mothers death, ter
minated in the total estrangement of myself
and steptather
ally inclined TO consumption, and died in ny
twenty first year. Her loss affected me ex-
travagantly, bur tenn porarily. My stepfa hers
sorrow was like himself, grave and undemon-
stratlye.
forgot my loss the more rapidly from a
youthful passion which then occupied me for
the first time. Its my inten ton TO speak only
of circumstances which had direct influence
on my character, and this boy love may be dis
missed in q few sentences.
fell in love with a sister of one of my ac-
quaintances: a handsome merry girl, my
senior by year, a coquette by nature. l SUBJ
mitted TO her whims for twelve months, when
we quarrelled our last quarrel and parted.
The impetuoslty with which l urged my suit
had overborne her original distas te for my ug-
Hness-it was no longer mere plainness-and
earnes tness frightened her. She broke of, in
spite of miserable humiliation on my part
leaving me to digest the pain and Identification
nf Hap ha haa If INV God CHI q ySa6
and went 10 India, she will think she had a
happy escape. Perhaps she bad.
suffered more than common from so COM
mon an experience. 1t made me doubly sensi-
orooded retrospectively, nursed my wounded
self-es TEEN into embittered egotism, yet de-
spised myself for my recent failure. liabored
TO attain self-control, and, as aforesaid,
riod the alienation between myself and STEP
father reached a crisis, and terminate ted In my
withdrawal both from his Office and home.
was able TO keep myself, having acquired,
with a world Of pains and at the exercise of an
amount OF patience foreign TO my nature, the
art Of stenographyj though not u proficient in
the craft. had earned money by il. Besides
which, presently began 10 write for maya
zines and periodicals, at first poorly enough,
and with proportionate remu neration. Long
ago. perhaps in conseq uence OF my step fathers
prohi bition, l had become an eager reader Of
fiction, and this, terminating in a feyerish
though diseased, temperament, prod uced fruit
OF sort which yet commanded q certain
price.
very different life from that endured in my
former home, bat not better one. MY step
fathers example had dlsgu listed me with pro.
tessions OF religion; had no check of kindred
or friends 10 restrain me from vicious indul-
gence. for my disposition was not calculated
10 attract those who could have helped me to
purer pleasures, nor was 1t improved by De-
cuniary success.