Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1860-06-02

Fact, Fancy and FUN.

Tobacco may be had at any price
Just as you che,cs.
1t IS no uncommon thing that hot
words produce a GOODNESS.
Why is rheumatism like glutton?
Because it attacks the Joints.
Chess play often ends as sword play
always beglns--with a draw.
What goes most against farmers
grain ? His reaping machine.
Why is bad picture like weak
tea? Because it is not well drawn.
Want to know-if the girl that
clung to hope hadn't slippery hold.
"A woman is like tar-melt her.
and she will take any form you please.
Leisure is very pleasant garment,
but it is very bad one for constant
use.
Why is an Englishman like nine
teen shillings? Because he is under
sovereign!
Most interesting companions--sirls
in their gigglehood, and boys in their
boobyhood.
Somebody says that the best way
to keep food upon a weak stomach is
to bolt it down.
Poverty sticks to q man after afl
his friends and the rest of mankind
have deserted him.
When are women fathers? When
they are sighers (sires), which is not
unfreqnently the case.
Why had a man better lose his
arm than his leg? Because in losing
his leg, he loses something "to boot"
What great phrenologist has a
name highly expressive of his profess
sion as q researcher in heads? Combe.
- If you would know how bull
would look with his tail twisted, just
ask a ssuck-up gent for "that little bill
he owes you," when he is talking to
lady.
The adjutant of a volunteer corps.
doubtful whether he had distributed
muskets to all the men, cried out, call
you that are without arms will please
hold up your hand"
"A young physician asked permis-
mission OF a young lady to kiss her
She REPLIED
''No, sir; / never like to have doc
tors bill thrust in my face
"A saucy young chap happening 10
walk down town behind fat s'AunG
Dinah," sneczed like a negro Aunt
Dinah turned herself around, and con-
temptuonsly exclaimed, ia me who's
been q given our little dog snuff"
Give me liberty or give me deathr
exclaimed lager beer politician while
making speech. A temperance man,
pointing to black rum bottle in the
oar, said, ''you'ye got liberty, and yon-
der is death, if you want it,
There are people in the world quite
as given to SANDER as hen is to cack-
ling. The following is an example:
''PerfumcTy is an article that indolent
young ladies make use Of to supply the
place Of clean water and soap"
PosTED.-At q recent church meet
ing in Bath, Maine, worthy deacon,
the spirit betrayed by some
Of his fellow members, admonished
them in this wise:
'Brethren,' said he, 'sthis is not ac-
cording to Hoyie."
-"Faith," said an Irisllman. who
could not get into his cabin at Balm
garry, his wife having turned the key
upon him, "faith, is meself that's rigu-
Iarly locked in
en- said his companion, in where:'
"Why, in the street,
THERE'S is a stone erected over the re-
mains Of an old lady, i'll Dunkirk Gem
etery, on which her survivors intended
to write the stock epitaph: ''Let her
rest in peace" The space gave out at
the end of the word 'her,n SO that on
y the initial letters of the remainder
could be inserted. Thus the old lady
was commended to the mould with the
somewhat slang inscription, "Let her
:. i. p.'
Lone PRAYERs-"Pap," observed
I young urchin of tender years to his
fond parent, "does the Lord know ev-
srything %
ayes, my son." replied the hopeful
sire,' "but why do you ask that ques-
ton %
Because our preacher when he prays
IS so long telling him everything tho't
he wasn't posted.''
The parent reflected.