The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1860-01-14
From Once a Week


Twenty one years ago, was sitting Dy
my 6re-side footing up lnnumeraDie pages
of my bachelors housekeeping DOOR, TAX
ing exercise in arithmetic on long columns OF
"nettv cash''-comprising items for carrots
and hath bricks, metal tacks and mutton
cbons-until tired and wearied, | arrived at
the sum total, and jerked the book on the
mantel-piece. Nearly at the same time |
placed 10Y hand in the pocket of my dress
inp-eown, drew out leather case, and lit
principe Well, having lit the principe, l
placed my feet on the fender and sighed, ex-
hausted by the long job Of domestic account.
was then in business-'twas small whole
sale business then, It's large one now-yet
one mornings lettings OF carrots and bath
bricks, of metal tacks and mutton chops,
would tire me a thousand times more than
twenty-four hours of honest ledger work.
sighed, not from love, but from labor; for to
tell you the truth, I had never been in love.
Is this to go on for ever! thought l as
took my third Whit, and looked dreamily
through the thin smoke as it assembled be-
tween me and large print of the capture of
Gibralter which hung over the chimney
piece. Am to spend my prime in totting
up parsnips, and computing carrots, and
comptrolling washing-bills? Isighed again,
and in the act, off flew the button of my
neck band, as though some superior power
had seasonably sent the accident to remind
me of my helplessness.
The button settled the business; though
as it slipped inside my shirt, and passed
with its mother-o'-pearl GOODNESS over my
heart, it for a moment threatened to chill my
matrimonial resolution. l pitied my own
lonely state, and pity, we know, is akin to
love. But how was the matter to be ac-
complished? Most men of my age would
already have adjusted their inclination to
some object; so that having made up their
mind and counted the cost, little more would
have remained to be done than to decide
upon the day, and lay hold upon the license.
This, however, was not the case with me.
had been too much occupied, too idle, or
too indolent to devote the time or make the
effort to ''form an attachment" It was
through no Discrimination or difficulty to be
pleased; for had any young lady of moder-
ately agreeable powers taken the trouble she
might have married me long ere then. l
should even have been grateful to her for
taking the trouble off my hands; but was
too bashful to adopt the initiative.
[ was a bashful map. This weakness
came from the same cause as my Uncle
Toby's-namely, a want of acquaintance
with female society, which want arose from
another cause-namely, too close an appli-
cation to business.
Accordingly / thought of an advertise
ment; yet with no practical design of doing
business, but, as I persuaded myself, for a
joke. So scratched with pencil on the
back of letter the following:
''WANTED a WIFE-None but principles
need apply. The advertiser does not require
cash but companion. Heis six and TWEEN
ty, and, tired of single, he thinks he can set
tie down to married life. As men go, he
believes he has a moderate share of temper,
and want of time is his only reason for hav-
ing recourse to the newspapers. He has
enough means for himself and a second par
ty, and is willing to treat at once. He is |
quite aware that great many attempts to
convert his honest intentions into an eX
travagant joke will be made, but he warns
all rash intruders. If he finds man hardy
enough to make sport Of his affections, he
will thrash him-if woman he will forgive
her. He has a heart for the sincere, a
horsewhip for the impertinent. In either
case, all applications will be promptly at
tended to, if addressed to P. P, to the Office
of this paper
felt proud of my composition, and puff
fed away at my principe with vague glee
and anticipation of something coming out of
it. had no great idea that anything but
fun would result; and Icertainly had not
the slightest notion of involving myself in a
personal collision with any one. Still the
presentiment that it was not destined to be
all barren joke, pressed upon me. On
Saturday the advertisement appeared, and l
heard its style canvassed by all my friends,
and it was iokingly suggested by more than
one, that l was the domestically destitute
individual who put it forth.
On Monday morning sent boy to the
newspaper office for P. P.'s letters. ex
pected he might be followed by some curl
Gus and inquisitive persons; so told him
on his way back to call on a bachelor neigh
boris of mine for a book. The trick told
The lad was followed by some persons who
never lost sight of him until they run him
to my friends, and then they went back
and announced that he was the advertiser.
/ thus discharged in full one or two practi
cal jokes which my neighbors had played
upon me. The answers were of the usual
character-several seeking to elictmy name,
and still more suggesting places of meeting,
where l was to exhibit myself with flower
in my button hole and white handkerchief
in my hand. One only looked like business.
1t was from lady, who proposed an inter-
view in neighboring city. about forty
miles north. She said there was something
SO frank and straightforward in my adver
tisement, that she was convinced it was
real, and she could rely on my keeping her
name secret, if after we met nothing came
out of the meeting. She would therefore
see me at the, At, on a certain day
ond IF nontnai annr0hafinD Ia ell
interview, why there was no harm done.
Most people would have put down this
as a trap to give me journey for nothing.