The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1860-05-18

"Why, de wourid can't turn round on de Ak
| eitree, cause it would come in contact wild de
'chinery OBJ de globe, bust de ingine, run de cars
off de track, and squash all the passengers !"
'Sam, you is larned niger, you !"
| .JonN' said one boy to another, one day, as
they were strolling by duck pond, ado you
know why duck goes under water 2"
no. answered his companion ''let me ask
you why2'
.'For diuer's (divers,) reasons said John,
Well, WE'LL said the other, 'can you tell me
why be comes up again2'
No. replied John, somewhat curiously.
Then, John,' said his companion, 'you are
caught this time. OF course the duck comes
up for sundry tsun dry,) purposes
An old gentlemen of eighty-four having
brought to the altar young dansel Of sixteen,
the clergyman said 10 him.
"(ou will find the font a: the opposite end
of the church."
"What do want with the font 2" asked the
old gentleman.
eI beg your pardon,'' said the clerical wit;
I thought you had brought this child to be crIs-
tened.''
A country hawker being detected in the act
of shooting bird, was taken before justice.
$50 fellow" said Mtimus s'you think fit to
shoot without a license, do you ?" 80, no,
your HONOR" cried the offender, 81 have a Ii
cense for hasckang," SO saying, he handed him
his pedIar's license, and the bird shot proved
hawk, the man was discharged.
A Virginia negro boy, who protessed to be
dreadfully alarmed at cholera, took to the woods
10 avoid ii, and was there found asleep. Be-
ing asked why he went :here, he said
.sTo pray"
"But," said the overseer, show was it that
yon went 10 sleep?"
s'Don't know, massa. zactlY, but / spec
must have oVerprayed myself"
RATHER FoxY.-aDad, If was to see duck
Oh the wing, and was to shoot it, would you
lick mel
oOh, no my son 1t shows you are good
narksman aud would feel proud of you."
"Well, then, dad, plun1ed our old drake as
he was hyin' over the fence to-day and it would
have done you good to see him drop"
G-"Main't see you home from meeting,
Peggy ?'
"No, you sbant do no'such thing, am other
wise engaged"
81 swanny, guess you've missed it this
time, for I've my trousers pockets full of gin
ger-bread"
esYou may take my arm, Bill, only SAID
so''
The .Heanest Nun in .471erica.-This notori-
ous individual lives in Cleaveland He ap-
piled to Justice recently for an execution 10
levy upon the wooden leg of a man who owed
him four dollars No constable could be found
10 serve the execution.
In Iowa they have huge long-nosed hogs in
portions of the State, that the settlers employ
them to pIow the fields. They bury corn-cob
at one side of the field, and place hog at the
other sice The "porker" Immediately digs bis
snout into the rich soil, and turns furrow, e.
quail to that OF the best plow, right up TO the
cob.
"Father heave you got another wife besides
mother ~ No my son what possesses you TO
ask such question 2" Because l saw in the
old family Bible that you married Ammo Domini
in 1912, and that isn't mother, for her name Is
Sally Smith"
An freshman being asked whether he did not
frequently con verse with friend in Irish. re-
piled;
sNo, indeed Jenny often speaks TO me IN
Irish, but | always answer hIm in English
sWhy so p
because, you see, don't want Jenny TO
know that understand Irlsh.'
Nor ExACTLY.-"Have you been much at
sea.
"Why not exactly but my brother married
a commodore's daughter"
"Were you ever abroad ?"
t'No, not exactly but my mothers maiden
name was French.
The following admirable-nea were written
by sailor, on blank leaf of his Bible:
"Whe down the stream of life sail,
Christ be my ship, and grace my gale
Hope be my anchor while ride,
This book my compass o'er the tide ~
BULwER SAYS that ndeath often changes a.
version into love-" Certainly it does, we may
have an antpathy to sheep and swine and yet
love mutton and pork.
Wuy is man climbing up Mount Vesuvius
like an Irishman who wishes to kiss his sweet
heart Because he wants to get at the mouth
of the cratur.
Why is an unwelcome visitor, like shady
tree Because we are always glad when he
leaves.
Shoemakers and milkmen make good sailors
they are both used to working at the pumps.