The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1860-07-04
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
: Contentment is a priceless jewel.

- A wifo's farewell to her husband
every morning" Buy" "buy."
= Why is a dandy like vcnison
steakY Because he's bit Of buck.
= The dress of frivolous coquette,
however abundant, is next TO nothing.
= Riches have made many good men
worse, but never made any bad men bet
ter.
- There was not drop of water for
Dives, who had not crumb of bread for
Lazarus.
- Don't locate yourself on The back of
a wild horse unless you want to be dis
located.
= Why was the well of Jacob like n
Dutchman's Brewery Hebrews drink
there.
= Punch says the only way to keep
food on a weak stomach is TO bolt it
down.
= The editor of New York Journal
calls another editor "a dilapidated old
Zouave."
- A time for all things. The time
TO leave when young lady asks YOU how
the aoalking is.
= The coat of horse is tho coat of
nature. That Of a jackass is often the
work of n tailor.
-"Caught in her own net" rs the
man said when he saw one Of the fair
sex hitched in her crinoline.
- A drummer is tho fastest man in
the world, because times beats all men,
but the drummer beats time.
= If women were jurors, rs somo Of
them claim they ought TO be, what chance
would you ugly old fellows stand when in
dicted?
-" Got any ice at your end Of the
table, Billw mo; but I've got the
next thing TO it," "Whats that" "A
severe cold"
= Those men talk most who are in
the greatest mental darkness. Frogs
cease their croaking when light is brought
to the water.
= A New York milkman somewhat
resembles the whale that swallowed Jo-
nah, for he takes great prophet (proht)
out of The water.
- A boy was recently arrested for
theft. His father pleaded guilty for him,
but said, in extenuation, "James is a
good boy, but he will steal"
- Thoy lately gave ball, in town
in New Hampshire, the proceeds Of which
was announced TO be appropriated to the
purchase of hearSe for town use!
-"Do you belicye Mrs. Smith paints ?"
"They say she does, but | can hardly
believe it," "Well, she has certainly n
great deal of color for one Of her size"
-"I say, John, where did you get
that loafer's hatY "Pleasc yer honor"
said John, it's an old one Of yours that
missis gave mo yesterday, when you were
to town."
= A farmer in Scotland, sowing n
field of turnips, appropriated ridge for
the accommodation of the public, with
this label, "You arc requested to steal
out Of this spot
"Here's Webster on n bridge" said
Mrs. Partington, as she handed to Ike a
new unabridged dictionary. "Study it
contentively, and you will gain a great
deal of inflammation"
A young gentleman who has just
married a little understood beauty, says
she would have been taller, but sho is
made Of such precious materials that ma
ture could not afford it.
- 1t is n common saying Of moralists
that the lower order of animals have not
the vices of man, yet il is certain that
some of the insects arc back-JaerS, and
all of the quadrupcds tail-dearers.
= The very last curiosity spoken of III
the papers, is n wheel that came off a
dogs tail when it was vdggin'. The
man who discovered it has retired from
public life to live on what he owes.
- A President Of Western bank
rushes up TO his friend: "Charlcy, can't
YOU give me change for dollar9 / soc
the bank superintendent is in town, and
| want somo specie in tho vault to make
show"
- A BAD Built is sanl that n
hard customer in Wisconsin, named w
S. Bill, is the husband of twelve living
wives! If they should ali seize hold o.
him at once, and tear him into dozer
pieces, he would be mighty difficult
BIZ TO collect.
= Mr.. Thcophilus Popp, Of Poppyille
in Popp county, fancying himself 10 b'
very popular with his lady-love, "poppet
the question" to her under the poplar tree
when she referred bin TO her poppy, who
when asked for his consent, laboring un
der the influence of ginger pop, popped
him out of the door, to the tune of Poi
goes the weasel"