The penny press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1859-1860, 1860-01-03
wITTICIsMs.

ceana, and now add few more:
MIR. Amaziah String advertises in the
Georgia Constitutionalist that a young
man had run off with his two daug ghters
That is outrageous. What's the use OF
two strings to one beau?
"A writer, who has just returned from
China, says that the most useful crop
raised by the Chinese is peas. The
Cclestials are prudent people-they
mind their peas and cues ~.
doctor, what do you think is the
cause of this frequent rush of blood to
my head?"-"0h, it is nothing but an
effort Of nature. Nature, you know alb
h0rs vacuum"
The most smiling and placid counte-
nance Oftentimes masks the most dan
gerous temper. The most terrible thun-
derbolt we ever saw was shot from cloud
arched by a beautiful rainbow
"A lady who could not conceal even
from herself the plainness of her face,
boasted that her back was perfect That
is the reason, suppose, that your friends
are always glad to see it" said one Of her
listeners.
1t is very well that the youth of our
country should get high, but they should
do so as the oaks do--by drinking water.
--"She isn't all that my fancy painted
her" bitterly exclaimed rejected lover
"and, worse than that she isn't all that
she paints herself"
Two cousins, named Cricket, were
married last week in Jefferson County.
We are opposed to such cricket matches
The Americans are followers of us
in everything London Age. We must
confess, that our soldiers followed yours
in the last war.
Call a lady "a chicken" and ten to
one she is angry. Tell her she is "no
chicken" and twenty to one she is still
angrier.
-"You seem to walk more erect than
usual, my FRIEND" Eyes, l have been
straitened by circumstances"
An editor who thinks himself very
smart says in his columns, that he never
lends himselfto party hacks. Wepresume
he prefers selling.
Men will always be apt to think the
money market tight if they are in the
unfortunate habit ofgetting SO themselves.
-"Can't we make your lover jealous,
miss? "Oh, yes, sir, think we can, if
we put our heads together"
q mean to abandon my habits of
life, said dissipated gentleman. care
you sure sir, that they are not abandoned
enough already?'
-"My dear wife, wish you would try
TO keep your temper" my dear hus-
band, | wish you would try to get rid of
yours"
--lfphilanthropy is properly defined to
be love of mankind, most women have
an unequivocal title to be considered
philanthropists.
AS Claude RS wife sat quietly in
the twilight, fellow stole behind her
and kissed her, 'Ts it Claude?' she
asked, hurriedly. "No, dear madam"
Amoment afterwards he was heard to
cxclame, "Oh, yes, | am clawd now,
indeed am"
"A western editor boasts that his
State furnishes a greater quantity of oats
than any other in the Union He forgets
to say whether she also furnishes greater
number of asses to eat them.
Mr.. Day, of Colchester, has brought
an action against his neighbor for steal
ing his dog. No doubt he thinks that
every dog should have his day, and every
Day his dog.
% am certain, wife, that l am right
and that you are wrong; I'll bet my ears
on it. Indeed, husband, you shouldn't
carry betting to such extreme lengths"
"A writer, dwelling upon the import
ance of small things, gays that he always
takes mote even of straw" Especially,
perhaps, if theresa julep at one end
oft.
An acquaintance boasts that his vir-
tues are in everybody's mouth. He is
decidedly mistaken. His vices are in
other peoples mouths, and his virtues in
his eye
"A man in our State, who attempted
to hug beautiful young woman, Miss
Lemon, has sued her for striking him in
the eye. Why should fellow squeeze
Lemon unless he wants punch?
"A western editor, not noted for
brilliancy, says that he would rather put
questions than respond to them. He has
probably read that fools may ask qestions,
but that it takes wise men to answer
them. ,.,"-,
81 am very much troubled, madam,
with cold feet and hands" 'I should
suppose, sir, that a young gentleman who
has had so many mittens given him by
the ladies, might at least keep his hands
warm a-..
AN INooNyENIRNr PRESENT. ..-J. Russell
Parsons, Of Hoosic Falls, N. Y. recently
received from Lord Berwicks estate
full blooded bull dog. It took two ex-
pr3ssmen to take him to Troy, where he
1,oL l.. 49,. 4 son...n -.o-i II