Clarksville chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1857-1865, 1860-04-13
From the Nashville Banner.
The California Yeast Plant.

Mister Editor In fearful state of perturba
tion, decidedly unpleasant and indescribable sen.
sstion in the abdominal region with the pen in nv
hand with which | have just indited my last will
and testament, bequeathing my preserved MSS to
the National Pathfinder and my boots 10 the gentle.
man who has heretofore been in the habit of polish
ing them write to inform you that have got
into deyilsh bad scrapc. haze sndllo,ced poison
Not hemlock and of my own accord like Socrates
but California Yeast | heard it was poison |
knew it was poison-I feel it is poson--here Il
wish you could see where place my hand at this
moment when say "here'O II is killing me, sir,
by inches-but those inches are numbered among
the increasing ones of my circumference. | have
already swelled to eephantine unwieldyness and
am increasing in bulk to an alarming extent. In
the language of the Southern Attorney to his rev.
erend father in New Hampshire, | assure you that
my eyes have almost become islands. in an ocean of
fat, and my cheeks peninsulars fountained in gulf
OF woe, (which is my nose,) so | can't even ''gm-
mer.' The manner in which the poison was ad-
ministered is to me unaccountable but il must have
been batter-cakes. | abstained from beer-abjured
my favorite beverage as soon as ! heard they had
got to making it of this mysterious California vege
table, and now, alas, ] am approaching my final
ber-but not to drink it. quit .srolls,b the mo-
ment "ro-maker" in morning paper, said il wasn't t
wholesome-but can assure you, upon the solemn
oath of dying man, have done nothing but aroIIr
on my carpet ever since was convinced nv stomach
was converted into a botanical conservatory and
was nourishing treacherous vegetable that was
bent on mischief, and ultimately designed my suf-
location a.
! have sent for several intelligent and reliable
Physicians and conversed with them One of 'em
consolingly told me he had known Yeast TO be used
by number of persons without any ill-effects-
But he also told me IA person might use IL with
safety ninety-nine times but on trying the expert
m thn hnnAr ~ .
might adhere to the stomach and prove fatal" -
"Good LordT ! calculated, ''then I'm corner"
recollected that had eaten just 100 bater-cakes
since the Yeast mania. Like the individual who
cat the a.lum-apple and discovered he was "pizen-
ed when he tried to whistle and could mt npucker"
also puckered for whistle, Mr. Editor, and the
result was dismal grimace that excited the heart
felt sympathies Of my Esculapian visitors One of
my medical advisers (Yho is a Yankee) suggested
that might make a good thing out of the under
taker by having my cofin-measure taken forthwith,
and contract for it, so that no matter how big
grew, he was bound TO case me up in walnut for
the same money. Don't think shall act upon his
il should live SO long-win Join
the Odd Fellows and let them pay the Sexton
Guess will be the oldest one amongst en-. Good
gracious there it is again Feels awful at this
writing.
4 r. A-SH Later.-I have sweed to fright
iui onoeisy' AtteHpteu 10 Walk DOWN u mon street
and discovered that stopped up entirely that capa-
cious avenue-carriages had to turn back, and
''sheary' horses ran off and broke everything. As
passed down Union street I grew so fat began
to 'Jam-up" and had to struggle-luggle-uggle
through frantically- unluckily tearing down
all of Mr.. Lucks fancy fxins and Charley Benson
old wooden Banjo. As didn't grow in altitude in
proportion to latitude, You may well imagine I m
pretty 'fdt market" Having been, as you know
at one time remarkable for that tendency to weak
ness in the legs which is indicative of powerful in
tellect and romantic disposition, you may imagine
my distress when ] tell you | could not get one of
them legs through tobacco hogshead now, they are
80 fat Excuse my being emphatcal | feel that
there must be an acre of yeast-plant vegetating-
leave you to imagine. Attempted to get
my dinner just now forgetting was so immense !
couldn't get in at the City Hotel door and had to
walk off literally starving with n belly-fuI If Il
should die, Mr., Editor-and there is strong pro-
liability of my sudden demise, warn your readers,
above all things to avoid eggs. The chickens are
bound to go pecking about until they get hold of
This vegetable plant, and if they don't the rooters
will, and who knows how long he can eggs-ist un-
der such lay-meant-able circumstances Jan s,cee
feenee, Mr.. Editor-I am done. Presidential as
pirants may say, 'no North-no South."-but it's /
no Yea" for JOHN HAPPY.