Muscatine weekly journal. [volume] (Muscatine, Iowa) 185?-1890, 1860-12-21
Artemus Ward Visits the Presiden,
Elect.


Eject.
We lind in the last number of Vanity Ia
the following account of GA. Wards" Wis
to Abe Lincoln. Our readers may as we
laugh at it as to sigh over present panic az
q prospective dissolution of the Union:
hiv no politics. Nary one. I'm not
the bisniss. If | was spose should holl,
versiffrusly in the streets at mite and 90 hon
to Betsy Jane smelin of coal lie and gin,
the morDin. should 60 to the Poles arl,
! should stay there all day. l should see I
it that my nabers was thar. 1 should Q
carriges to take the kripples, the infrm an
the indignant thar. should be on guar
agin frauds and sich. | should be on the loo
out for the intumus lise Of the enemy, 90
up jes bed elecshun for perli,ical effeck.-
Whom all was over and my candydate wa,
elected, | should move heving e. arth-so t,
speak-until | gor orifice, which if | didn'
git oritice | should turn round & abooz,
the Administrashun with all my mite anc
maine. But Pm not in the bisniss Pm il
far more respectful dismiss nor whot poler
tics is. | wodldn' Civ two cents to be a
Congresses. The wuss insult ever received
was when sertin citizens OF Baldinsyille axed
me to run for the Legislator. Sez |, '.My
trends, dostest think ia stoop to that thar?''
They turned as white as sheet. | spoke in
my most orfullest tones, & they know'd l
wasn't to be trifed with. They slunked out
of site to onct.
There4, hevin no politics, l made bold to
visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield.
| found the ole feller in hisparler, surround
ed by perfeck swarm OF oritice seekers
KNOWN he had been capting of q fiat boa,
on the roarin Mississippy 1 thought I'd ad-
dress him iu sailor lingo, SO sez "Old Abe,
ahoy Let out yer main suls, reef hum the,
forecastle & throw yer jib-poop overheard |!
Shiyer my timbers, my harty !" N. B.
This is ginuine mariner langwidge. know,
becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by
them New York theatre tellers.] Old Abe
lookt up quite GRO & sez, Send in yer pc
tition by & by can't possibly look at il
now. Indeed, | can't. It's impossible, sir p
"Mr. LlLkiI', VIII" do you spect air 2''
sedI.
"A ori6ce seeker, to be sure !" sed he
"Wall, sir" sed |, ''yous never more mis-.
taken in your lite. You hain't got a oritiss
I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A .
Ward. Wax fggcrs is my perfeshun. Pm
the father of Twins, and they look like me
both Of them. | cum to pay friendly
visit to the President eleck of the United
States. II SO be you wants to see ME say SO
If not, say so, g. Pm orr like a jug -handle'
"Mr Ward, sit down. Pm glad to sec you
Sir"
"Repose in Ahraham's buzzum r' sed one
OF the oritice seekers, his idee bein to git of,
q COAX at my expence.
"Wall,' sez |, ''et all you fellers rcpose in
that there buzzum thare'l DO nifty p3nr nus
sin for sum of you!' whereupon Old Abe
buttoned his weskit clear up aud blusnt Ii ke
a maiding Of sweet lG Jest at this pint OF
the conversation another swarm or orifce
seekers arrove & cum pilin into. the parler.
Sum wanted pest oritices, sum wanted col
sum wanted furrin missions, and
all wanted suInthin. | thought old Abe
would 90 crazy. lie hadn't more than had
time to shake hands with 'em, be4 another
crowd cum porein onto bis pre,ni-
ses. His house and dooryard was now per-
teckly overhowed with oriiice seekers, all
clameruss for a imnejt interview with Old
Abe. One man from OHIO, who had about
seven inches of corn whiskey into him, mis-
took me iur Old Abe and addresst me as
s'The Pra.harie Flower of the Westw-
Thinks you wantsa offs putty bad. Auo,l-
er man with a goldheded cane and red
nose told Old Abe he was "a seckind Wash
ington & the Pride of the Boundless West 7"
Sez l, "Square, you wouldn't take small
post-otiis if you could git it, would you?"
Sez he, "a patrit is abuv item things sir!"
"There's putty big crop of patrits this
season, amt there Square?' sez | when
another crowd ofoffis seekers pored in. The
house, dooryard, barn & woodshed was now
ali full, and when another crowd cum told
'em not to go away for want of room, as the
hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a
small town in Mishygan went up on top Of
the house, got into the chimney and slid
down into the parer where Old Abe was
endeverin to keep the hungry pack of offiss-
seekers from clawin him up alive without
benefit of clergy. The mint he reached the
fire place he junpt up, brusht the SCOT out
of his eyes, and yelled: Don't make eny
pintment at the SpunKvii'e postot1ice till
you We read my papers. All the respectful
men in town is signers to that there docky-
mentp"
s'Good God!' cried Old Abe, "they cum
upon me from the skiAe-downth the chimneys,
and from the bowels of the yeal tn !" lie
hadn't more'n got them words out of his del
exit mouth before two fat ofiiss-seekers from
Wisconsin, in endeveriu to crawl atween his
legs for the purpuss of applyin for the toll
gateship at Millwawky, upset the President
eleck & he would have & me fprawlin in the
fireplace if l hadn't caught him in these
arms. But | hadn't more'n stood him up
strate, before another mau cum crashiu down
the chimney, his he'd strikin ne vilent!y agin
the inards and prostratin my voluptoons
form onto the floor. "Mr. Linkin," shoutid
the infatooated being, ''my papers is ST gned
by every clergyman in our town, and like
wise the skoolmaster !"
Sez l, "you egrejis ass" gittin up and
brushin the dust from his eyes, 'rll sign
YOUR papers with this bunch OF bones, if you
don't be little more keertul how you make
my bread baskit a depot in the futur. How
do you like that air perfunery ?" sez shuv-
in my fist under his nose. "Them's the kind
of papers I'll give you! Them's the papers
you want?'
s'But l workt hard for the tickit l toilel
mite and day The patrit should bereward-
ed"
"Virtoo," sed l, holdin the infatooated
man by the coat collier, s'vir,oc, sir, is its
own reward. Look at me!' He did look
at me, and qualed be4 my gsse ''T1e fact
is," continued, lookin round upon the hun
cry crowd, ''there is scarcely an ofIiss for
every lie lamp carried round durin this cam
pane. wish thare was. wish thare was
furrin missions to be filled on varis lonely
Islands where eppydemics rage incessantly,
and if was in Old Abe's place I'd send
every mothers son OF you to them. What
air you here for? l continnered, warmin up
considerable, "can't you give Abe minit's
peacef Don't you see he's world most to
death Go home, you miserable men, GO
home and till the sile! Go to peddlin tin
ware--go to chopin wood--go to biln soal
stuff sassengers--b black boots--git clerk
ship on sum respectable manure cart-gc
round as original Swis. Bell Ringers-becun
'origenal and only Campbell Ministries go
to lee.urin at 50 dollars mite - imbark il
the peanut bisuiss--write for the Lt dyer
on yu .1ap, op3 rourri y;,;, n -,