The penny press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1859-1860, 1860-02-08
From "once Week.
How an Advertisement got q Wife.


From "0noe Week.
How an Advertisement got q Wife.
Tobacco is the tomb of love-" writes a
modern novelist of high standing but,
with very respect for his authority, I beg
to say it was quite the contrary in my
case.
Twenty-one years ago l was sitting by
my ixeside, totting up innumerable pages
of my bachelors housekeeping book,
taking exercise in arithmetic on long
columns of "petty oash"-comprising
items for carrots and Bath bricks, metal
tacks and mutton chops-until, tired and
wearied, arrived at the sum total, and
jerked the book on the mantel-piece.
Nearly at the same time / placed my
hand in the pocket of my dressing.gown
drew out leather.case, and lit principe.
Well, having lit the principe, placed
my feet on the fender and sighed, ex-
haustcd by my long job of domestic
accounts. | was then in business-'twas
small wholesale business then, tbs a
large one now--yet one mornings totting
of carrots and Bath-bricks, of metal tacks
and mutton chops, would tire me a
thousand times more than twenty-four
hours Of honest ledger-work. l sighed
not from love, but from labor; for, to tell
you the truth, | had never been in love.
Is thissto 60 on forever2 though, 1, as /
took my third Whit and looked dreamly
through the thin smoke as it ascended
between me and large print of the cap
ture Of Gibraltar which hung over the
chimney piece. Am to spend my prime
in totting up parsnips and computing
carrots, and controlling washing bills7
| sighed again, and in the act off few the
button of my neck band, as though some
superior power had seasonably sent the
accident to remind me Of my helpless,
ness.
The button settled the business; though
as it slipped down inside my shirt and
passed with its mother -opearl GOODNESS
over my heart, it for moment threatened
to chill my matrimonial resolution. /
pitied my own lone state, and pity, we
know, is akin to love. But how was the
matter to be accomplished? Most men
at my age would already have adjusted
their inclination to some object SO that
having made up their mind and counted
the cost, little more would have remained
to be done than to decide upon the day,
and lay hold upon the license. This,
however, was not the case with me. |
had been too much occupied, too idle, or
too indolent to devote the time or make
the effort to "form an attachment" 1t
was through no disinclination or difficulty
to be pleased; for had any young lady Of
moderate agreeable powers taken the
trouble, she might have married me long
ere then. / should even have been
grateful to her for taking the trouble off
my hands, but was too bashful to adopt
the initiative.
was bashful man. This weakness
came from the same cause as my Uncle
Tobys-namely: a want of acquaintance
with female society, which want arose
from another cause in my case, namely:
too close an application to business.
Accordingly thought of an advertise.
ment yet with no practical design Of
doing business, but as / persuaded
myself, for a joke. So I scratched with O
pencil on the back of "a letter, the follow
ing:
"WANTED- WIFE-None but princi
pals need apply. The advertiser does not
require cash, but only companion. lie is
six-and-twenty, and, tired Of single, he
thinks he can settle down to married life.
AS men 60, he believes he has moderate
share Of temper, and want of time is his
only reason for having recourse to the
newspapers. He has enough means for
himself and a second party, and is will
ling to treat at once. He is quite aware
that great many attempts to convert his
honest intentions into an extravagant
Joke will be made, but he warns all rash
intruders. If he finds man hardy
enough to make sport Of his affections,
he will thrash him-if a woman, no will
forgive her. He has heart for the sin.
cere; horsewhip for the impertinent.
In either case, all applications will be
promptly attended to, if addressed to P.
p, to the Office Of this paper"
[ felt proud of my composition, and
pufed away my principe with a vague
gee in anticipation Of something com
ing out Of it. l had no very great idea
that anything but fun would result and
certainly had not the slightest notion O
involving myself in personal collision
with any one Still the presentimen
that it was not destined to be all bar
rem joke, pressed upon me. On Saturday
the advertisement appeared, and heard
its style convassed by all my friends, and
it was jokingly suggested by more thar
one that ] was the domestically destitute
individual who put it forth.
On Monday morning sent boy tt
the newspaper Office for P P..'s letters.
expected he might be followed by SOM
curious and inquisitve persons, so I tolt
him on his way back to call at bach
elor neighbor's Of mine for book. Tn,
trick told The lad was followed BY
some persons who never lost sight O
him until they ran bim TO my friends, ant
then they went back and announced tina
he was the advertiser l thus discharged
in full one or two practical jokes which
my neighbor had played on me. The an
swers were Of the usual character-sev
eral seeking to elicit my name, and still
more suggesting places Of meeting, wher
I.was to exhibit myself with flower il
my button.hole, and white handkerchie
in my hand. One only looked like busi
H e. IL