Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1860-04-14
bLACKGUARn, ALIAS .cRITIQuE.,'


dicum of intelligence, which, for some I'M
known reason are permitted to infest this
earth, Naturalists, after having carefully
examined their craniums with powerful op-
teal instruments, for long time without
success, have at last been able to discover /
few particles of something resembling brain. !
From this discovery, and the fact of their
having the power of locomotion on two
feet, they have been classed under the ge-
nus, homo; though their habits and in
stincts would give them place with quad
rupeds rather than bipeds. Too INDECENT
to earn their own bread, and true to the
of that barking race to which |
they properly belong, they follow the OK
ample of some worthless, overgrown, ca F!
nine brother and prowl about picking up
the crumbs from the table of any one who
is foolish enough to notice them. Egotis-
tic, selt-conceited, and impudent in the ex-
treme, when petted a little they assume
immense dignity and importance, fill your
ears with continual braying and claim
the prerogatiye Of obtruding tleir long ears
upon your notice at every step.
They are social leeches, that live by
sucking the pursestrings of a few compass
sionate individuals who endure their pres
ence rather than spoil pair Of boots in
kicking them out of the way--insignifi-
cant parasites, that can stand only as they
are supported doltish sycophants that will
play the puppy to any one who will pat their
heads and show a sixpence -labiated fungi,
too lifeless to die even when cut IN two
accidental vertebrates thai chance would be
ASHAMED to own--in q word, mere connect
ing links between nonentity and what.
Burns called the everest kind O brains.
Occasionally one of these animal exeres-
cences becomes so impudent and filthy g
to be uncomfortable, and somebody must DOL
the dirty work Of administering a castlga-
ton, as the law makes no provision for
the abatement of such nuisances. 1t IS al
repuJsive task, from which one naturally
shrinks; and it can only be done, with any
degree of safety, by using long pole as,
one handles tadpoles aad snakes. With
GOOD bath and a suit of clean clothes at
hand, we undertake the offensive, filthy job |
Of chastising one of the above mentioned
bipeds.
1t is now generally understood that the
valiant Mr.. "Critidue'' is none other than
a lugubrious looking little sprout Of thel
Law, who, not having energy enough tol
get clients, is permitted, through the for
bearance Of. the Editor, to do the dirty
work about the Herald Office Like eve
ry other piece Of organized matter there are
some marked points about this young
sprout. He processes to have parsed
through sundry schools of Science and Law,
and still claims to have compiled the whole
mass of childish inconsistencies and puerlle |
blunders, which make up the substance Of
his. two articles. He makes pretensions
to scholarship and occupies two columns
in the Herald to tell the public that he is |
a blackguard He claims to be linguist,
when in fact be is only yersed IN the Ian
guage of loafers and rowdies. He puts on
his scholastic ermine-4climbs into the Ed
TORS high chair, triumph antly places his
little feet upon the top round and exclaims
!. we. Editors viii now proceed to criticise.
He tries to write English and fails. HeI
then collects a mass of barbarous express
us, straightens himself up with true Ed
toria,I dignity. and says eve, editors are
,igber 81 thority than grammatical rules
Y one. ~ his peril shall meddle with our
earned lisa,lisl,. ions, in fact tie illiterate,
public will not know the dlff- !
renee if they are not c,orrecI; lis eisofs
re discovered, and he is kindly admonlsh
d. He Immediately flies into a passion,
wears vengeance and seizes the Gun. In
he heat of the moment his native tohgue
oturns. The truth is revealed Back
,uardism has been his study. lie goes !
trough the whole catalogue of low-bred,
vulgar Billingsgate, and at the close Of his
,ffort instinetively bowls, lest bis ignorance
ihould again be exposed and his vocabulary
s exhausted. He sneers at grammatical
rules as s'chiIdish things, and in The next
sentence refers to an Anticipated text book
to discard the use of a word which eyeryl
"authorling' ought to know is sanctioned
by custom. He pirates loudly of s'misTepre-
and in the same sentence gives
definitions that are not found in any Eng
Iish dictionary. He mourns that the read
ers of the Herald should ever be called to
peruse anything personal, and then serves
np for them twotcolumed dish of merel
sIanq. unfit to be read anywhere except:
among bar-room loafess where it originated. Il
All this poorly COMFORTS with the charac-
ter of a gentleman and scholar which he I
processes to be, but from the blackguard
which he has shown himself to be it isl
what might have been expected. Now Mr.. !
Ito use your proper nancy q +
word Of advice and caution and our dlsa-
greeable task is done. Lay aside your dis
graceful slang and return to those "chlld- II
sh things" which it is evident you put
lway when quite too young Study dill
gently your speling-book, dictionary and
grammar, employing one Of those lads sun
Ter twelve years Of age" to give yoii instfuc-
ion. Thus you may some day redeem
Tour character and perhaps be able to write
/ simple sentence correctly. But mind one
-hing-thas you are never again caught
about exercises at the Lancaster
Institute For. should vo11 ever ACCIDENT