The Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1837-1867, 1860-12-21
A Humorous Report.

AT the Sagadahoc Agricultural Fair, Rev.
George L. Adams, d. d., of Brunswick was
appointed chairman of the committee on
Preserves, Pickles, &C. His report is very
readable. full of humor and good sense, and
wit, which, when read, convulsed the audi
ence present with laughter. He first ascer-
tains the duty of the committee, by an anal
ysis of the meaning Of the term. preserves.
pickles, and so torth.' giving definitions from
Webster, and citations from Shakspeare,-
How cam st thou in this pickle
and admits that the committee are in fine
pickle, having to adjudicate the contenJine
claims Of a parcel of notable housewives.
After awarding the premiums, the reverend
gentleman concludes with series of receipts
which will, We doubt not, he read with plea.
sure by all. We have the following:
To make Vinegar oft strongest kind
Take ore quart Of the milk of human kind
ness, such as the poet sings of, pour into ar
sarth,n par. set on table, with chair in
front facing TIE sun. Place in the chair d
regular, old-fashioned. taltling, mischief
making gossip, spectaclcS on nose, snuff box
in lett hand, a large pinch between thumb
and finger Cf the right; let her look intentiy
at the aforesaid milk fifteen minutes by tn,
kitchen clock, without winkirg. and if it ISM
sour and sharp at the end of the fifteen min
utes, report it to the committee, and they'i
drink it.
To impaH double relish to P,eserrcs ant
Fickles.-Send a smal! jar of each. with bes
respects, to your minister. Or if YOU shoul,
hear that a neishbor has got the start of YOU
peck of peas OF bushel OF potatoes. or
few rolls of first premium butter will an
swer.
\. B. Never mind the Printer. IL
lives on Gas.
10 keep good ndtured. nerer guarrel-li
it should fail, give something to somebo.i,
every day.
To Keep up nsiylLorhood qua,rd.-S,i
II once a week adding if need:ul. few dror
of lie o sitril.' 1t will be as good hurdre,
years hence as to-day.
To keep good name.-Be a good man
aud above all never be candidate for GOV
ernor or president.
Tpreserre an old Fogy-Put in barre
and head up: There's pepper and vine.a
enough in him II keep him. without furthe
application. as long as the world want
him.
! To prescrs BeoHfy-Say yonr prayer
every morning. read Your Bible every night
and The newspaper ever, w,eN. Never >cult
.."ui husband. tor every sc .ldiny Causes rwt
wil"kle>. ore III tie >c,idcr ,'nd one N III,
>coG.,' Cultivate Your mind. crI;i,ate YOU
atleclian>-:"r ,h;'re Is no genuine b:aut,
without liiit!i,c, ai:a t.crr: Nc.er be i,,lra
tvnt. Ever return saaieS 10y :Iosrs
10 keep Il jeau.-Frrs Is Mrs Glass il
i;'f coca h. on ahO.l the .:iii.nt-cut,.h hin,
lilci. II soHr beau hcins ta:ri, TOR unfair,
caught. !el'n-s t" Tue y,h,,< homo. L. in o,i.
cr words. he = : real mar. trt;. t;il orce
"ocA-any tinc but Saturda, nights, lest h
III 'nIi Steep III u,eelirs o.. Sunda,-,o
;iish camio>ed q: two parts good frank com
mon stnse. and ole part hearty womanl
kindness. But if lie belongs to the gem.
s'm'a. which Is. being interpreted, dand,
apply soft soap. laid on pretty thick and h
will be sure to last till the next crop come
in. when you can easily get another of tn
same sort, ust as good.
To keep beau.-( Mss --'s way. J.
Take him into the kitchen, the store-roon
the cellar, show him the preserves and pick
les, and all the nice things your own fai
hauds Tor your mother's) have made. sugges
ting the anticipation Of many sweet and goc
things in years to come.
10 keep a Jeau when oil OTHER method
/ T1jI-SHorfpst cLeODest md eurexf ,r,,, N,
aU.-Send for the chairman of the committe
on preserves, pickles, and so forth, who wi
quickly put the young man into a pickl
which he will not quickly get out of.
All of which is most respectfully submit
ted.