Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1860-04-14
DoEsricKs ENCOUNTERS GRIM DaATH.

Do you want to know why I're been alb
sent from your columns for a couple Of
weeks I've been sick--Grim Death has
been around-he came and sat down face
to face with me, said that he had conc fol
Doesticks, and that I'd better make my will,
say good bye to all my friends, and men
ton that / shouldn't be back--I argued the
matter with oldDryOones for three days and
two nights--he speared me a number OF
times with his g dart, " but always dodg-
ed. So You see that from words he came
to blows. My opinion Is that he showed
himself no gentleman in pitching into a
sick man, however, the doctor backed me
|manfilly. Death grappled me by the
head, but / backed him down with leeches
then he dropped MS hold end caught me
by the bowels. | fiji ed at him in this posi-
ton for twelve hours with two ounce vills
of stuff that don't know the name of, but
which smelled Ikea boiled down livery sta
ble. Being dislodged from my Intervals,
he caught me by the ribs, where Burned
his fingers with mustard blister, when he
gave me up as a bad subject for an obitu-
airy experiment, and prepared to go; as he
Isneaked out he grinned ald remarked that
| need not feel so grand for | wouldn't
make decent looking corpse anyhow
looked yiciously at him; was able to put
the end of my thumb to my nose, but my
strength gave out before / could wag my
fingers, SO that feared old Death left with
Ia wrong impression Of my sentiments.
NY sickness came thus-there was fire
lin row of tenement houses, and my dear
friend, Miss Miggs, stood where she could
watch the hames-some one cried that
there was a child in the burning building
felt like hero in the presence of Miss
Miggs, or perish in the attempt tsfore Miss
Miggs. Dashes up a ladder in full sight Of
Miss Miggs, making mistep and taking
the skin off my shin as a primary move
didn't mind il at all---what were shins when
Miss Miggs was looking ofil Got into
the house--heard the child squall--couldn't
see it for the smoke--tried to find it in the
dark--walked over the stove and oyerturn-
ed kettle Of boiling water into my boots
-breathed smoke enough to set a small
volcano up in business, and at last reached
the bed and caught hold of the squalIer-
wasn't very particular how took hold, and
/ am now convinced tnat / carried it by one
LEG, head downward, all over the upper sto-
ry of the whole block IN my search Tor the
window where the ladder was--discoyered
it at last, and tore the leg ofn1y pantaioons
entirely off on the iron hook with which it
was decorated-got down, turned the bar
10y right side up and delivered it in good
condition to its mother, who set up a genu-
ine howl; and instantly gave me "particu-
lar fits for bringing her baby out Of doors
without wrapping It mp warm, for, she then
informed me, it had the smallpox six days,
and she was afraid it wouldn't "strike in"
], myself, felt very much disposed to s'strike
out" but my anger yanquished as thought
of Miss Miggs-started to go and see her
remembered the unheroic look of my
pantaloons, and refrained-bowed to her,
however, which she didn't see, and then was
on the instant tipped over into the mud by
the foreman of Hose No. eighty-eight, who
at the same time volunteered his kind adj
vice to "lIaind where you're lookin', this
she did see, and evidently thought it funny.
Went to bed, and dreamed exclusively Of
Irish babies-thounh / was in large PLAN
tation of babies,set out in regular rows like
cabbages--they were all growing vigorously
tried to get out, but innumerable Celtic
offsprings sprouted under my feet, and my
legs were entangled In their tender embraces
finally, [ struggled to the end ofthe field
when | found that it was hedged in with
screaming babies, fourteen deep, all alive,
all Irish, and all with the double-headed
smallpox. Then my body began to go in
to they were budding out all over
me, and / awoke just as each leg had bios
somed into a pug-nosed baby, and two pairs
of readheaded twins Ind sprouted out be-
tween my shoulders.
Found was sicz-doctor came and told
me what allied nc. Smallpox is an inter-
essing disease regarded rom pathological
point Of view by a physician in good health
but contemplated practically By fiat-on-
his-back patient, the study is not SO enter
tanning.
The various members Of my body cor
porate undertook for my amusement Sc
Iies Of unusual and curious performances on
their own hook. Those Slippery portions
Of my anatomy, generally designated as my
"bowels," commenced a number Of compli-
Gated man9uvers with great vigor, some
what as if they were practieing a new bal
let of wonderful combination, requiring a
vast deal of extra ground and lofty tum-
bling or were rehearsing Christmas pam
tomime, and jumping through a surprising
number of trap doors-they didn't stop I'M
til they'd tied themselves into hard knot
and tucked both ends l.nder-I consoled,
however, by hoping that the Irish baby.
had got its infant bowels into a greater tar
ole and harder knot than even mine.
Then, some kind of a naval engagement
commenced in my head, and a succession Of
bro,,dsides, at the rate often to minute,
was fred inside Of my unfortunate skull for
thirty hours, the whole of whichf ime Twas
only comforted by the sincere wish that the
Miilisian young one had got more of it than
had. and wouldn't be able to stand it half
50 wen. The effect os the internal cannon
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