Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1860-07-06
AGENTS FOR THE TIMES.
MISCELLANY.
The Lucky Advertisement.

of my bachelors housekeeping-book, TAX
Ing exercise in arithmetic on long columns
Of 'petty cash'---cornprising items for car
rots and bath brick, metal tacks and NUT
ton chops-until tired and wearied, arriv-
ed at the sum total, and jerked the book on
the mantle piece. Nearly at the same time
| placed my hand in the pocket Of my
dressing gown, drew out leather case, and
lit principe. Well having lit the princi-
pc, l placed my feet on the fender and
sighed, exhausted by the long job of do
nestle accounts. / was then in business
twas small wholesale business then, It's
large one now-yet one mornings toitings
of carrots and bath-brick, of metal tacks
and mutton chops, would tire me thou
sand times more than twenty -four hours of
honest leger-work. Isighed, not from love,
but from labor for to tell you the truth, /
had never been in love. Is this to go on
forever thought | as / took my third Whit,
and looked dreamily through the thin smoke
as it ascended between me and a large
print of the capture of Gibralter which
hung over the chimney piece. Am to
spend my prime in totting up parsnips. and
computing carrots, and comptrolling wash
ing bills? i sighed again, and in the act,
off few the button of my neck-band, as
though some superior power had seasona.
bly, sent the accident to remind me of my
helpiessness.
The button settled the business though
as it slipped inside my shirt, and passed
with its mother-o'-pear coldness oyer my
heart, it for a moment threatened to chill
my matrimonial resolution. pitied my
own lonely state, and pity, we knew, is akin
to love. But how was the matter to be ac-
complished? Most men of my age would
already have adjusted their inclination to
some object; so that having made up their
mind and counted the cost, little more
would have remained to be done than to
decide upon the day, and lay hold upon the
license.-This, however, was not the case
with me. I had been too much occupied,
too idle, or too indolent to devote the time
or make the effort to s'fprm an attachment" !"
1t was through no disinclination or difficult
ty to be pleased for had any young lady
of moderately agreeable powers taken the
trouble she might have married me long
ere then. should even have been graie-
full to her for taking the trouble off my
hands but was too bashful to adopt the
initiative.
was bashful man. This weakness
came from the same cause Of my Uncle
Toby's-namely, want of acquaintance
with female society, which want arose from
another cause--namely, too close an aPph-
cation to business.
Accordingly thought of an advertise
ment yet with no practical design of do
ing business, but, as persuaded myself
for a Joke. So 1 scratched with pencil
on the back of letter the following:
@WANrEp A WIFE. None but princi,
pies need apply. The advertiser does no'
require cash, but companion, He is siS
and twenty, and, tired Of single, he thinks
he can settle down to married life. A:
men 90, he believes he has moderate
share of temper, and want of time IS hi'
only reason for having recourse to the news
paper. He has enough means for himsel
and second party, and is willing to trea
at once. He is quite aware that grea
many attempts to convert his honest inten
tions into an extravagant joke will be made
but he warns all rash intruders. If HI
finds man hardy enough to make sport o
his affections, he will thrash him-if ;
woman he will forgive her. He has I
heart for the sincere, horsewhip for thu
;mpertinent. In either case, all applica
tions will be promptly attended to, if ad
dressed to P. P to the office Of this paper.
| / felt proud of my composition, ant
pufed away at my principe with vague
glee and anticipation of something coming
out of it. i had no great idea that any
thing but fun would result; and l certainly
had not the slightest notion of of involving
myself into personal collision with any
one. Still the presentiment that it was moi
destined 10 be all barren joke, pressed
upon me. On Saturday the advertisement
appeared, and l heard its style canvassed
by all my friends, and it was jokingly sug'
gested by more than one, that was the
domestically destitute individual who put il
forth. On Monday morning sent boy
to the newspaper Office for P. P's letters
I expected he might be followed by some
inauisitive persons; so told him on hi'
way back to call on bachelor neighbor
of mine for a book. The trick told. Tho
lad was followed by some persons who new
er lost sight of him until they run him tc
my friends, and then they went back ane
announced that he was the advertiser.
thus discharged in full one or two practica
Jokes which my neiglbor had played uPor