Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1860-12-20
Sez he, "a patrit is abuv them things,

was still empty. One patrlt from small
town in Mishygan went up on top of the
house, got into the chimney and slid dowr
into the parler where Old Abe was endev
erin to keep the hungry pack of offs
ers from chawin him up alive without ben.
eft of clergy. The mint be reached the
fire place he jumpt up, brusht the SCOT ou
of his eyes, and yelled: "Don't make eny
pintment at the Spunkville postofice, til
you've read my papers. All the respect
full men in our town is signers to that there
dockyment!"
"Good God!" cride Old Abe, "they cum
upon me from the skize-down the chin
neys, and from the bowels of the yearth 7
He hadn't more'n got them words out O
his delikit mouth before two fat ofiss-seek
ers from Wisconsin, in endevorin to crawl
atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin
for the tollgateship at Millwawky, upsot
the President clerk & he would hev gone
sprawlir into the fire place if l hadD'
caught him in these arms. But l hadn't
more'n stood him up strate, before anoth
er man cum crsshin down the chimney, hi.
head striking me vileDlly agin the inards
and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the
floor. "Mr. Linkin," shoutid the infatoea
ted being, "my papers is signed by every
clergyman in our town, aud likewise the
skoolmaster!
Sez l, "you egrejis ass" gittin up d
brushin the dus, from my eyes. "Ill sign
your papers with this bunch of bones, il
you don't be little more keerful how
you make my bread baskit depot in the
futer. How do you like that air perfume.
ys" sez l, shuving my fist under his nose
"Them's the papers you want"
"But workt hard for the ticket; toiled
night and day! The Patrit should be re-
warded!"
"Virloo," sed /, holdin' the infatooated
man by the coat-collar, "virloo, sir, is its
own reward. Look al mer' He did look
at me, and qualed bed my case. "The
fact is" continued, lookln' round upon
the hungry crowd, "there is scacely Il offs
for every lie lamp carried round durin' this
campane. 1wish thare was. wish thare
was furrin missions 10 he filled on varis
lonely Islaus where eppydemics rage inces-
sanity, and if l was in Old Abe's place I'd
send every mothers son of you to them.
What are you here fora" | conlinnered,
warmin up considerable; "can't you Civ
Abe miuit's peace! on'lyou see he's
world most TO death! Go home you mis-
cradle men, go home d till the soil! Go
to peddlin tiuware-go to chopin wood
go to slutfsasseugers-black
boots-git clerkship on some respecta-
bic manure cart round as original
Swiss Bell Ringers-becum original and
only Campbell Minstrels-go to lecturin
at SO dollars uile-imbark in the peanut
bizniss-write for the Ledger-saw off
your legs and go round givin concerts, with
leehin appeals 10 charitable public, print
ed on your handbills-anythiug for hon.
est livin', but don't come round here dri-
vim old Abe crazy by your outrajus cuttings
up! Go home. Stand not upon the Or
der of your goin', but go to onct! If in
five minits from this time," sez l puIlin'
out my new sixteen dollar huntin' case
watch, and branishn' it before their eyes.
"Ef in five minits from this time a single
sole of you remains on these here prem
ises, III 60 out to my cage Dear by and
and let my Boy Constructor loose! q if he
gifts amung you, you'll think Old Solferino
has cum again and no mistake" You
ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr.. Fair.
They run orf as tho Satun hisseIf was ar
ter them with red hot ten broged pitch
fork. In five mini,s the premises was clear.
"How kin 1 ever repay you, Mr.. Ward,
for your kindness!" sed Old Abe, advancin
and shakin me warmly by the band
"How kin l ever repay you, sir?"
"By givin the whole country a good,
sound administration. By poerin lie upon
the troubled waters, North and South =
By pursooin q patriotic, firm and just
course, and then if any State wants to
seced, let 'em Seseshp'
Show bout my Cabnit, Mister Ward !"
sed Abe.
Fill it up with Sbowmen, sir! Show
men is devoid Of politics. They han't got
a darn principle. They know how to Ca
ter to the public. They know what the
public wants. North d South. Show
men, sir, is honest men. Eff you doubt
their literary ability, look at their posters,
and see small bills9 Eff you want Cab
limit is is Cabinit, fill ii ub with Show
men, but don't call on me. The morul
wax fgger porfeshun mustn't be permit
ted TO 90 down while there's drop Of
blood in these vains! A. Linkin, l wish
you well! Eff Powers or Walcut was to
pick out modul fer butful man. I scace-
ly think they'd sculp you; but ef You do
the fair thing by your country, you'll make
as putty angel as any Of us, or other
mau! A. Linkin, adoo!"
He shook me cordyully by the hand
We exchanged picters, so We could gaze up
on each others liniments when far away
from anoiher-he at the helum of the
ship of State, and at the hellum of the
show bizness only is cents.
ARTEMUS WARD.
Vanity Fair.