Smyrna times., 1860-01-19
THE BEST OF THE SEASON.
IMPORTANT DISCOVERY.
Too Fast VS.. Too Slow.


We have read and heard great many hits
at old fogies and sellers of patent medicines
and patent rights, but none better than the fol-
lowing, the substance of which we copy from
the Morehouse, (La.) Advocate. After making
such change as necessary to adapt it to this
latitude. and carrying down the history oi
events to the present time, the article might be
very properly headed
| TOO FAST VS.. TOO SLOW,
and although the first part may appear some
what prosy, the conclusion will amply repay
the trouble of perusal.
Enter MIR. Fogy, walking backward and for
ward in the parlor of his parsonage.
| Oh, this crazy world! everything goes by
steam, except what ruus by lightning! Hark
! there is a screech, as if hundred devils scream
ed at once, and then a roar, and the rattle OF
wheels, and a train of cars rush by like com.
ell endowed with life. Everything is on the
high pressure system. | verify believe the
earth is a locomotive, with volumes of smoke
pipes, and the Celeslas have built a railroad to
I" eternal smash" and we are all aboard the
train with crazy devil for an engineer, with
the brakemen all drunk or asleep. How can a
respectable old gentleman live on this planet!
Everything is in whrl. Business men, law
yers politicians, every body but clergymen seem
IN a brain fever, and even few of the clergy
are forever talking Of progress! progress un-
I'll life has become great scramble to get
ahead. What shall do | wish could get
into some of those planets which only turn
round once in seven years. Wouldn't that be
a nice place for a conservative old gentleman
One year of calm twilight. two years and
half of night! Think OF The long evening, last
ing six months, from day light to sun rise six
nlonths-a month to get breakfast in. Then a
year and a half TO sundown agaiu-wlth six
months siesta on q sofa at noon, and so on to
the end. All, that would be little of the sort
for me. But if one dies here he cannot rest
The spiritualists will have him knocked about
in no time. He must tip the table, make speech
es for the Judge Edmond's and turn Professor
Hare's spirit catcher. What on earth shall
do!
There ding dong goes the door bell as if
the house was on fire. Some man of progress
I'll be bound, with another new idea in his
head.
"Bridget, Bridget! Where on earth is the
Irish huzzy!"
bridget, from the top of the stairs,) "Here,
what do you want"
go to the door, the bell rings"
"Yes, in a minute. But have got my hoops
on, and can't get down stairs, the way is so
narrow. Wait till get on chair to climb
out Of my new Dress"
"Wait, you huzzy! There goes the bell
again. must 60 to the door myself or the bell
wire will be broken"
Mr.. Fogy goes to the door, where a young
man of eighteen, with patent leather boots
with patent hat oil his patent head, turned by
Fowler & Wells practical phrenologists. stands
at the door looking like live fashion plate
from Genio SCOTS.
"Ah, my boy, what do you wsnt!"
boy, am no boy, sir, [twirling patent
goatee,1 | ANA general agent for the society
for improving the race, and have come to lay
our plans before you and get your patronage" J"
"Ah, yes, with groanl walk IN, sir, walk
| in"
Well, sir, have just ten minutes and three
quarters to spare, before the lightning train
leaves for the city Of Go it While you're Young,
and | can develop the grandest scheme for re-
generating man that has ever been discovered
| in that time"
Regenerating man! Why, sir, l have
been preaching the gospel of regeneration for
forty years. The only way know of is for the
men to repent and live pure lives"
"Oh, that's all out of date. Why now-a-
days a man can become Christian in 30 Sc
conds by the watch. 1t don't change his life
at all. He can cheat and gamble in politics
and lotteries, aud lie himself into Office just as
we'll. The parson does up the plety nova.
days, and all that fashionable sinner has to
do is to sign the papers, [creeds believe they
call them, pay his quarIerage, aad he can gel
free pass on the first class train TO heaven where
nc eau pre-cmpt the site to heavenly mansions
and realize for his investment 10 three days
The old idea of Pilgrims Progress is all down
in market, and won't pay ten cents on dollar
! But want to show you my PLAN"
Mr.. Fogy slares--too much struck up Il
speak
You see, sir, man is but combination o
electricity and the Odylic force clothed in 1esl
! and blood If, therefore, you can concentrat'
and combine these elements in their proPe
proportions, you can Ike men as fast as yo
; please. BY a recent wonderful invention, b.
Professor A-gass he-is we have got machin
: for superceding entirely the necessity of ben
1 born. | will bring in my machine and sho'
f you how it works. Here you see is generate
OF electricity on the side, it is impregnated wit
magnetism; and runs off into this vat, pur
u Odyle. Now, we fill this vat with due quaint
i ties of the kind of food which a man needs I
procure the right proportion of bone, muscle
= and nerve, and run off after il has become fl
sed, iato these moulds, for men, women an
u children Of all sizes, from six months old TO
e years; leave it to harden for a few minute
,f and then insert this p pc into the mouth of III
q subject, turn on the electricity, and the bod
begins to sneeze, and shout halo let me ou
% and your man is made TO suit your taste. lea
le make you a son and heir who shall be ri 10
T. minutes. Or, if you prefer two year old bab
O. The should have applied to Mrs. Cunningham
: It will lake but twelve minutes. Would u
= take baby! Our charge is reasonable, 81
az and ten per cent. discount to clergymen. w
III YOU order d son or daughter9"
st No anawer--Mr. Fogy is on tne point
AT swooning. sa 49,
s'You see the adaptabllIsy OF TINS macnlne >
VIZ onderful. Oae of them will turn out lOO 4
grown men in day. II was by this process
manufactured the voters to carry ihs renhs
Il wanna cleo ion for the Democrats 10 iooo,