The Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1837-1867, 1860-12-28
From Vanity Fair~
Artemus Ward Visits Abe Lincoln.

From Vanity Fair~
Artemus Ward Visits Abe Lincoln.
hiv no politics. Nary one. I'm not in
the bisniss. If l was suppose | should hol-
Ter versitfrusly in the streets at mite and 60
home to Betsy Jain smelin of cole lie gin, in
the mornin. should 60 to the poles arly.
should stay there all day. l should see to
it that my nabers was thar. should get
carrges to take the kripples, the infurm and
the indignant thar. should be OIL gard asin
trawds and sich. | should be on the look
ow: for the intamus lisc of the enemy, got
up just bel clexchun fur perlitercu! etleck.-
When awl wus over and my candydate was
elected, should move hcvins Il ar,h-sow
to speak-until got oritice, which if didn't
git oriice, should turn rownd and abooze
the administration with all my mite and
maine. Tam in fair more respectable bis
Miss nor whot pollerticks is. Wouldn't give
= cents to be a Congressor. The wust insult
| ever received was when sertin citersens of
Ba,dinsville axed me to run for the Legisla-
ter. Sez eye. "My frinds, dostest think Ide
stoop to that thar" Tha turned as white
as sheat. l spoke in MY most orfulest
toDz q they knode wasn't to be trifed with.
They slunked out of my site at onst.
There4, hevin no poletics made bold to
visit old ABE at his hums;id in Springfield.
found the old fel!er in his parler, sirrownd
ed oy swarm OF ofihce seekers. hnoin ne
had been capting OF nat oote on The rorln
Mrs Slppy l thought Id address HIM In sail
7 L L.
er linso' SO seq l, 'Old abe ahoy, let out yer
name suls, rect home the forecast X thro yer
yio-poop overheard. ohiver my timHers, mi
marry: N. b. Ihls Is ginuine mariner
lahs"loSe. know oecawse I've seen saiier
plaze acted owt 10y them New York theatr
ieliers. Old Abe lookt up kWlte kroSS
SEE "Send in Your petition by X by. | kant
possibly look at it now. lndede l kant. Its
onpossl5le sur "
"Mr LlncKln, who 90 YOU spect l are =
seq l.
"A orltce seeker to be sure. sed he.
Wall sur sed |, 'youse never more mis,a
ken in your life. You haint got a oritss Id
take under no circumstances. I'm the father
of twins and they look like me-JoH OF
Mem. cum to pay friendly visit to the
President elect CT the United States. If SO
be YOU wants TO See ne say sol knot so.
and I'm orr like d jug handle
Mr. Ward, sit down. | am glad to see
you sur.
'Repo>e in Abraham's Buzzun' sed one
of the oriice seekers his iGce bcin to git orr
COAX at my expense.
Wall stz |. 'sf all you fcliers repose in
that there Buzzum thare'l be mitey poor
nussin for sum of vou' whereupon Old ABE
buttoned his veshit clear up and blusht like
malen of swee: Gteen. Jest a, this pint OF
the Conversation another swarm of crfcc
seekers arro,t and cum piiin inter the parler.
sum wanted post oritices. sum wanted coliec-
,er>aipS. sum wanted furfin ml>hun>, ard all
wanted >umthin. thought Old ABE would
20 crazy. He hadn't more than had time 10
shake hands with them, bci anu,her tremen
J!s crowd cum poarin on,er his premises
HIS howse ard door yard ~as nov perfectly
oveltlo~ed with orliice seekers. al! ciameruss
tor It ln'mellt interview with o!d ALE. One
man from ONO. who had about seven inches
oi corn WHISKY INTO him. mlstook me for Oid
ABL ana ads;rc>t me as The Pra>hayric
Flour o! the West: Thinks | y"a want
ofilS putty bad Another man with gold
heade'! cane ard rcd nose told Old ABE he
was "A seckind " ashlngton X the Pride OF
the BonnGicss West.
Sez l, Square YOU wouldn't take small
post-offlS II You could get II. woa.d vou'
S"z he, "a patrt IS above them things, sir
There's putty big crop of patrits this
season. amt there square" sez |, when
another crowd of ottis sekers porcd in. The
house. dooryard. barn,ard X woodshed was
now as fuli' and when another crowd cum |
tod EN- not 70 60 away Tor want OF room as
the hog pen was still empty. One pauIt
from a sma! town IN Nls;ivsan went up on
top the house, got M The chimney and Slid
down into the rarur where Old abe was en-
deverln 10 keep the hungry pack of offs
sekers from chawng him up alive without
fire place he jumped up. hraSht the scot owt
of his eyes, aad ve!d Don't make cnv pint
meat d, the Spunkviile post offs till vow
read my papers. Ali the respectful mon in
our town is signc.s to that there docky-
ment.
Good God. cride old Abe rhev cum up-
on me from the skize-dcwn the chimLley>.
and from the bowels of the ycarth"
He hadn't morn 80, them words OFT Of
his d.likit mouth bel too fat oils seekers
from Wisconsin. in cndcavorins TO crawl a
tween his legs tor the purpose o: appy:Hs
for the tolga,eship at Mli~awky upset the
president elect X tie would he: gone sprawl
ing into the Fireplace If hadn't Caught him
IN these arms. Butt had't mo-e'n stood
him up strate. betoar anrther man cum
crashln down the chlmbley. his he'd strikin
me violently agia the inarts and pso>trating
my voiup;uous form onter the floor. 'Mr
l.!nkin shoutd the infatuated beng. my pa
! ,,.,c - cpoJ h,- ny.rv clo o,,r