The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1860-11-21
Ctrms:---S1.0 per Smnm.
A Newspaper Story.

Some fellow--a collector for news
paper and other pcriodical-lately threw
up his commission, and sent back the un-
PAID accounts with "notes," which the
spirit happened to lay hold on, and they
were presented in tangible shape to tho
world. As they are living pictures, met
with here and elsewhere, we make ex-
tracts. The collector says:
To the Editor-Sir:-You furnished
me, as you recollect, with list of III
owing subscribers. / have called on lO4
Of them, and have the honor of paving
to your order S3,124, being the amount
to which you are entitled. | return YOU
the list numbering from one TO one hun
dred and sixteen, and now give the reply
to each:
No. lis minister. He snys in the
first place he never got one-half the num-
bers IA lie according 10 the account of the
postmaster) and in the next place your
jokers column was too scurrilous. Be-
sides, he knows by the tone of your edi-
torials that you drink. He wants moth
ing more to do with you.-neverw wants 10
hear from you again. M m
No. 2--ls in Jail for debt. He has
not seen half dollar for year. Says
he would pay with the utmost cheerful
ness if he had the money, but had to bor-
row shirt to put on last Sunday. Ad-
mires your paper wonderfully, and hopes
you will continue sending it to him. He
wishes you to take bold stand in favor
of the abolition OF imprisonment for debt,
as he thinks il would be very popular
move with gentlemen in his situation.--
Sends his best respects.
No. SIS young doctor. Saws your
paper is beneath the notice of a gentle
man. Would not give a - Cor cart
load. Says that you inserted an article
rejecting upon the profession. Only
wishes be could catch you would
make you smell -. Is going to per-
suade everybody that takes your paper to
stop it. ll .T u
No. 4-Is an old maid. Says you are
always taking fling at single ladies of
an uncertain age. Wouldn't pay you if
she was rolling in wealth, and you hadn't
enough to buy crust Of bread. Sent
all the papers she had back month ago,
and says now she has sent them she don't
owe you anything. Says she is even with
you and intends to remain so until the
day of judgment.
No. 3-Is a gambler. Says he has
got completely cleaned out last week at
the races. Couldn't accommodate his
grandmother with half dime if she
was starving. Likes your paper tolera-
bly, well-would like it better If you pub
lished more races, and would occasionally
give an account of a cock-fght. Hopes
you won't think hard of him for not pay
ing you now, but has prospect of soon
having some loose change, as he is after
a rich young greenhorn, who arrived here
last week. Willpay your bill out of the
pluckings. l .f.
No. els an old drunkard. Hasn't
got anything, and never expects to have.
Gathered up all the papers he had, and
sold them for half pint of rum to the
groggery-keeper to wrap groceries in.
No. lis n magistrate. Swore he
never owed you a cent, and told me |
was low rascal for trying to swindle
him in such bare-faced manner. Ad-
vised me to make tracks in little less
than no time, or he would get out war
rant against me, as common cheat, and
have me sent to prison. Is by all odds
the meanest man have seen yet. New
er will go near him again.
No. SIS n policeman. Says that al
though you profess to publish neutral
paper it is not so. Thinks he has seen
considerable squirting towards the side he
is opposed to.
The collector concludes with "Accept
my resignation, and strike me from the
list of agents. l have been called n
swindler, rascal, villain, blood-sucker.-
These are some Of the names they think
proper 10 bestow upon me. Itried fight
ing awhile, and thrashed some of your
patrons like bazes, but occasionally got
licked like thunder myself"
BE TRUE TO YoURsELF.-The history
r A 4