Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1860-01-31
Going Out West.

A writer gives these answers to some ouerie
about going out West:
The question comes from Cambridge-pol
Massachusetts, aud reads, as follows:
| (which is the best time going out West, th
spring or autumn9"
The best time for going out West, is when yo
have the most money about you, and the least fea
of losing it. If you come in the spring, you ar
sure to shake yourself TO death before fall. |
you come in the fall, you may live till the spring
if you don't freeze to death before you get there
If you come at all, you had better get your stom
ach lined with water proof cement so as to di
gest corn-bread, bacon and whiskey: for tina
is all we have to eat, except few French hog
and bilious looking tadpoles, which we catcl
when the river runs down.
2nd. "What part of the West is the best tt
emigrate to, taking in consideration the health
iness Of the climate9"
r A variety of opinions about that, my dear fel
low. Our Senator, Mr.. Douglas, says that Ne
braska is best. So tits, if you want to 60 int
the stock business, raising an unruly kind O
mixed colored cattle, that will stray off to Cana
da in spite of the compromise of 1920 or 1850 OF
of Senator Douglas. If you want to speculate
IN papooses, white scalps, and get your Owl
scalp taken off scientifically, go to Nebraska BY
all means. If you can play poker for living
live on corn bread and bacon on week days an(
slippery elm bark on Sundays, come to Illinois
If you want to go where they have no Sundays
nor anything to eat, only what they brought
from the East, go to Iowa; or if you wart to &c
to grass on all fours, 60 to Salt Lake.
Ii you want to go where they receive the
mails annually, where they live on wild Gran
berries crumbled in water from the Mississippi
river, where three wigwams make city, and O
paper of pins and bar of Yankee soap a mer-
chant, go to Minnesota.
3rd. "Does the fever and ague prevail much
in the West2"
OF course it does Nobody out West is fool
enough to ask such questieus. Every body
shakes even the trees shake: you can't coax a
crab apple to stay on when its good for any
thing: it will shake a man out of bed, and kick
him out OF doors.
4th. ''How does pre-emption hold good ~
That depends on circumstances. If you have
a good rifle, and know how to use it, you have
chance in ten to live till you starve to death.
But if you can't stand fire, aud are not good
shot and a quick one, take my word for it, you
had better tarry in Jericho until your beard be
grown; they are all too shy for you in these
woods.
9th. "Is land to be had in the northern part
of Ohio for $l,25 per acre, and is it good e.
That's all fudge, got up by spectators to gull
some greenhorn like you or me, for, to the best
OF my knowledge and belief Ohio was worn out
ten years ago. The whole business of the rail
roads in warm weather is to carry back folks
who have been West All the railroads have
been doing this winter is carrying dirt out of
Ohio into Michigan to raise a few beans and oats
to keep the folks from starving to death next
summer.
As to the land in the northwest of Ohio, it
is eighteen inches under water the most of the
year, and will probably be worth 1,25 per acre
when water snakes aud copper heads bring as
much per barrel in the New York market as po-
tatoes ars worth per bushel in Alton.
And. lastly, he wants reliable information
''a short article in your paper On the subect'-
and he wants to get healthy location, decent
land and fair water.
Exactly Why, my dear sir, there is no such
thing as reliable Information out West, nnless
you give fellow five hundred dollars, and then
yon can't believe halt he says.
A witness won't tell the truth in court unlsss
you first scare him to death, and make him
swear he wou't lie, and then neither himself mol
any body else knows whether he tells the truth
or not.
As for fair water, we have none: it is all {
fish and rotten rattlesnakes.
Our common drink, when we can't get whis
ky, is one-third coffee, one-third prairie mud
and the other third tobacco juice.
Upon the whole, if you have good water, anl
can get enough to eat, stay awhere you are!-
Western Paper