The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1860-11-15
How strange it will be /!
WHAT NOT?

TAI gentlemen are always successful, be-
cause the ladies are all in favor of by men.
He who asks no questions at all is queer, but
he who asks many questions is the querist.
-Whyar all games of chess of equal duration?
Because it always takes four knights to play a
game.
"A celebrated author says that in sleep we
are especially open to heavenly influences. How
about the nightmare
There is man in Totnes so knowing that
the men who don't know their own minds come
TO him for information upon the subject.
"A short time ago a man became so complete
ly wrapped in thought that he was tied up,
labelled, and sent off on strain of ideas"
-"Dear Laura, when we were counting, you
were very dear to me; but now you're my wife,
and L am paying your bills, you seem to get dear
er and dearer!'
81 feel" said and old lady, ''that I've got
about through with this world 1 shant enjoy
much more trouble, nor suffer much more com
fort"
Though we have no positive evidence of the
fact. it is almost certain that Shakespeare was
broker, no one ever having furnished more stock
quotations than he.
The following notice, written on the door of
village school house would seem to indicate that
the "schoolmaster is ab.oad:" "Kea at the wooden
house necks dor.
|
who ought to have known better, proposed ''the
ladies" as the beings who divide our sorrows,
double our joys, and treble our expenses.
"A brilliant young gentleman remarked the
other day, to lady with whom he was bowling
ten-pins:
II think, Miss, that you would have made a
capital baker"
Indeed, Sir Why?"
because you make such excellent rolls"
An Indian and a white man were passing
long street, when the former espied a window
full of wigs, and pointing to the owner, who was
standing in the doorway, said--"U gh-him great
man-big brave-take many scaps!'
"A cockney condu cted two ladies' to the oh.
servatory to SEQ an eclipse of the moon. They
were too late; the eclipse was over, and the ladies
were disappointed. ooh" exclaimed our hero
"don't fret. l know the astrono mer well he is
a very polite man, and am sure he will begin
again.,
"A country girl who had lived in a small farm
house where bells were unknown, went to live
as parlor maid in gentleman's family. The
| bell was rung, which it was her duty to answer,
and as she did not rise to go, fellow servant
said, ''Why, Mary, don't you answer the bell
don't you know missus wants you?" "No;" re.
piled the girl, eff her wants me, why don't hei
roller ?"
The habit of drinking can be cured by civ.
ing the drinkers all the liquor they want to drink
all the time. We know of two in our own expe.
rience who were cured in three weeks. One
jumped out of fourth story window and ran
curbstone into his head. The other didn't get
up one morning, and has now curbstone grow.
ing over his head in the graveyard
THE boy at the head of the class will state
what were the dark ages of the world" Boy hes
itates. Next. Master Jones, can you tell me
what the dark ages werel" 81 guess they were
the ages before spectaces were invented"
-"Why is the letter d like ring7'- said a
young lady to her accepted. The gentleman,
like the generality of his sex in such situation
was as dull as hammer. Because" added the
| lady, with very modest look at the picture at
the other end of the room, because ace can't be
toed without it,
-"Wife, bring me some cold beef" said a shift
less husband when the first time in his life, he
discovered that he was more hungry than thirsty.
"There is no beef in the house" was the mild
reply,
Fetch me some pork, then"
mo pork, either"
| "Wen, then, let me have some potatoes"
MOT petatoe left
| thunder and lightning! get some bread then. u
! The bread is all gone too
wei, then, give knife and fork, and let
me go through ioith the motions"
An old grub, In the city of Glasgow, who dis.
counted bills for his friends on promises to nav
and who held good back securities, in the shane
of indorsation, was applied to by friend to cash
a small bill for him, when cid Discount required
additional security. The friend, who little ex
pected a request of the kind, flew into violent
rage
Security, Sir! I'll give you the devil for secu-
rity!
! ''Wel, them" exclaimed the bill disc ounter
Just bring him forward; and as l neer hae seen
the gentleman, get two decent men to say its re.
ally him, and yen get the siller."