The Alleghanian. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1859-1865, 1859-12-01
Fourth of July Grafton.

As counterpart to the "Model Speech"
which will be found in the same column
of "Our Newspaper, the following Fourth
of July Grafton, furnished to the Cleve-
land Plaindealer, by "Artemas Ward"
the quaint Western humorist, will be read
with merriment:
SURs: l send herewith synopsis of
the skedyule of my orashun on the 4th
of July, at Wethersfeld Pleas korrect
the spellin and punktooate it in proper
stile. spoke 2 hours, and was ninety
six minits passin givin pint. There
was between two hundred persons present,
who open mouth and closed eyes listened
to me with strick attenshun. A w.
The Grafton itself is a perfect gem, and
one of the best things that "Artemas"
has yet gotten off. We subjoin an extract
or two, After the usual apostrophe to
the Goddess of Liberty, he says:
81 haint time to notis the growth Of
Ameriky from the time the Mayfower
cum over in the Pilgrim and browt Ply
mouth Rock with them, but every skool
boy nose our kareer has been tremenjis.
You will excuse me if | don't prase the
erly settlers of the Kolonies People
which hung idiotic ole wimin fur witches,
burnt holes in Quaker's tongues, and con-
signed their feller-critters to the tredmill
and pillery on the slightest provokashun,
may have been very nice folks in their
way, but | must confess [ don't admire
their stile, and will drop them all, [ spose
they ment well, and as in the novel and
techin langwidge of the nuspapers, "peas
to their ashis" There was no diskount
however, on them brave men who fit,
bled, and died in the American Revolu-
shun. We needn't be afraid of setting
them to steep. Like my Show, they vii
stand heap of praise
~ see much to admire in New England.
Your gals in particular are abowt as snug
bilt peaces of Caliker as / ever saw They
air fully equal to the corn-fed gals of
Ohio and Injianny, and will make the
bestest kind Cf wives. Itsets my buzzum
on fire to look at 'em.
Be still, my sole, be still,
you, Hart, stop cuttin' upl
Which afcctin lines is either from the
pen of Governor Morril of Maine, or
Doctor Watts, and Idisremember which.
| like your skool houses, your meetin
houses, your enterprise, gumpshun &c,
but your favorit bevrige l dcspise. l al
lude to New Englan Rum; it is wus nor
the kind of whiskey of Injiany, which
eats threw stun jugs and will turn the
stomach of the most shiftless hog.
al seldom seek consolashun in the
flowing Bole, but the other day | wurrid
down some of your Rum. The fust glass
indoosed me to swear like an infooriated
trooper. On takin the secund glass /
was seized with desire to break winders,
and after imbibing a third glass | knockt
small boy down, pickt his pocket of a
New York Ledger, and wildly commenced
readin of Sylvanus Kebbs last Tail
verify do bleeve that if I'd histid in an
other glas, [ shood have been desperit
enuff to attack the Mount Vernon Pa
pers.
ats drefful stuff-a sort of licwid lite
min got up under the personal supervision
of the devil-tears mems inards all to
peaces, and makes their noses blossom as
the Lobster. Shun it as wood a wild hy-
emma with fire brand tied to his tale, &
while you are abowt it you would do a
fust rate thing fur yerself and everybody
abowt you by shunnin all kinds Of intox-
icating lickers. You don't need 'em nc
more n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin
abowt the trouble and sufferin they cawse
But unless your inards are cast iron void
New Englan's favorit Rum
"My friends line dun. l tear myself
away from you with tears in my eyes and
and pleasant odor of Onyuns abowt my
close. In the langwidge of Mr.. Cater
line to the Rumuns, l 90 but perhaps
shall cum back agin. Adoo, peple OF
Wethersfeld Be virtoous & you'll be
happy"