The Placer herald., 1859-04-23
A Loafer's EXperience.


An original specimen of the loafer tribe
was arrested as vagrant, by one of the New
York Metropolitaus, and brought before Jus
tice Osborne. On being asked the usual
questions, how he obtained a livelihood, be
told the following doleful story:
Il am not to blame your Honor, because
can't earn living. l never did earn my
bread; have been unfortunate all my life.
Even when baby, I lost part of one of my
eals by falling out of the cradle on to the
sharp side of dilapidated coal-hod. After
wards. at various times, | fell into kettle
of hot soap suds, pulled barrel of potatoes
on nv head, and cooked the whole of my in
ternai machine by drinking boiling water
from the spout of the tea-kettle. Indeed, |
met with more than the usual accidents
which happen to all masculine juveniles, Of
being blown up with gunpowder on the
Fourth of July. and breaking their legs
sliding down hill on Christmas At one
time had this hand (holding up his right
onel mutilated by a planning machine, had
my hair cut off by a circular saw; was car
RED from the cellar to the fourth story of a
cotton factory, heels upwards, on the hoist
ing.rope which had caught in my pantaloons;
was whirled around by a machine drawn by
a gutta-percha belt, which tangled in my
hair, and which revolved me for fifteen
minutes, at the rate Of seven times second,
lost two of my fingers in a threshing ma
chine, had my foot smashed by Third
Avenue car, and was once run away with 10y
a locomotive engine, which had started, and
didn't know how to stop When it came
time for me to 90 into business for myself,
/ set up in the apple and peanut trade, but
the boys kicked over my stand and stole my
stock. | then acquired a new capital by
begging pennies at the corners, and went
into the ballad business. | arranged my
literary stock on the curb stones, but a high
wind scattered my hopes and my songs to-
gether; | saw a chimney sweep walk off with
Jessie, the Flower of Dunblane,' fat coun-
tryman stamped The Bold Soldier Boy
Mary Blame and the Seven Ages, into the
mud; ragged newsboy ran around the cor
ner with kathleen Mavourneen,' a candy Girl
eoped with Ben Bait The Yankee Sailor
and Lord Lowell and the rest Of my pro-
perty disappeared in like manner, and all
that was left to me was a single copy of
Billy Lackadav,' and two of Beautiful Jen-
n.y. | traded Billy for penny cigar, which
lighted with beautiful Jenny and prepar
ed to start in life again. then went into
the plaster image business, but the boys
spoiled my assortment by stealing my 'Napo-
Icons to throw stones at, and distracted all
my Greek Slaves to practice at with pea
shooters. The fish business proved no more
profitable; my old enemies, the boys, stole all
the Holsters, while was eating the CLANS to
keep them from spelling, and my porgies
got flybown before could find any custom
ers. | tried cobbine shoes, but left the
pegs too long inside. also essayed garden
ing, and got a situation, but the first day
pulled up the young cabbages and left the
PIC weeds transplanted the tulips into the
onion bed, and cut up the rose bushes under
the impression that they were last years
pea brush-the unreasonable man discharg-
ed me. Since that | have been a street
sweeper, blliard-marler, have set up pins
in bowling alley, and cleaned eels in the
market, and have failed in all through my
adversities. | have even tried to be a GEN
teman and a scholar. have done my best.
| am the victim of hard and bitter and un-
reenting fate. My education lave picked
up as best could. | learned to read thea
tre bills from the newsmen, and picked up
my eloquence by hanging about the court
room."