The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-12-21
/ luz to kourt in summer


Two have me for there Irwin one,
And they heV answered-No
State of The Market.
* Honesfy-None in the market.
* Patriotism-No demand.
TX H0nOr-Dear and scarce.
* Lore-None offered, except for
real estate.
* Prudence-All held by old stock
holders.
* Ta7ent-A scarce article. No
credit allowed.
TX Modesty-With few bright ex-
ceptions, none but damaged parcels in
market.
TX V1rtue-Few importations, and
that of native growth degenerating.
~ Scandal-None offered at whole
sale; the article altogether engrossed
by hawkers and peddlers.
* Sincerity-Out Of season but
kept by few of 1.-The Subscribers
friends.
* To make money, get situation
in the mint.
** We ought only to be astonished
at our being stiH able to be astonished
at anything.
* Pa, what is a dissenter )"
" A man wot has the disentery, my
son."
* "That's very singular" said a
young lady to a gentleman who had
just kissed her "Oh, well, my dear
miss, l will soon make it plural"
Xxx A doctor detained in court as a
witness complained to the judge that
if he was kept from his patients they
might recover in his absence.
** A western editor publishes an
account of q recent plug muss, under
the caption Congressional Proceed
ing"
* A down-east poet has written an
immense poem on Nature" which
commences
Wiggle. wiggle, pollywog,
Pretty soon you'll be frog"
~ Sheridan was staggering home
one night, when he was accosted by the
watch, to whom he said confdentially
=" My name is Wilberforce-I am a
religious man-9on't expose me-"
* A gallant was lately sitting be-
side his beloved, and being unable to
think of anything else to say, asked
her why she was like a tailor "I
don't know" said she, "unless it is
because I'm sitting beside goose"
Xxx The following rul of order are
hanging upon the wall of a hotel at
the capital of western State:
Members of Assembly will go to
the table first, and the gentlemen after
wards. !"
Note Bena, rowdies and blackguards
will please not mix with members, as
it is hard to tell one from the other"
Xxx Good and bad puns are going the
rounds, and We give the following,
which occurred at the expense of the
letter &C." in the Press Office, that
letter having run short" and another
substituted F:
Proof Reader" What has become
of the "g's? see they are omitted"
Devil" There were so many OK
teams in town yesterday, the drivers
used them ALL"
A Journeyman-" Please inform US
where the laugh come in"
Devil it don't come in on the
C. it comes in on the 'Haw-ha&.
Xxx Advice to Young Men :-Live
temporarily; go to church; love all the
girls marry one with heart, for you
will require sympathy in the battle of
life; decide at once to live like q man
and die Christian try it and if
you don't thank The Subscriber"
before year has sped, be will lay
aside his moccasins and paddle" his
way through this muddy world bare
foot and alone.
Xxx A man who had business with
magistrate who was an auctioneer, gave
offence by neglecting to call him your
worship {" on which he was committed
to Jail for contempt. When the man
obtained his discharge, he constantly
attended his worship's sales, bidding
for almost every lot thus -" Three
pence, your worship; sixpence, your
worship +" which caused such scenes
of laughter at the auctioneer's expense
that he was glad to give the man ten
guineaS never to attend his sales any
more.
TX Sorrow. 1t would be poor re-
suit of all our anguish and wrestling,
if we were nothing but ourselves at the
end of tiff we could return to the
same blind loves, the same self-coni-
dent blame, the same light thoughts of
human suffering. the same frivolous
gossip over blighted human lives, the
same feeble sense Of that Unknown, to-
ward which we have sent forth ire