Staunton vindicator and general advertiser. (Staunton, Augusta County, Va.) 1858-1860, 1859-12-02
ytliistellaneous.
Going Out West.


queries about going West:
The first question comes from Cambridge
port, Mass, and reads as follows:
(Which is the best time for going oul
West, the spring or autumn p
The best time for going out West, is
when you have got the most money about
you, and the least fear Of losing it. If yon
come IN the spring, you are sure to shake
yourself to death with the ague before fall
If you come in the fall, you may live till
spring, If you don't freeze to death before
you get there. If you come at ell, you had
better get yenr stomach lined with water
proof cement, SO as to digest corn bread,
bacon and whiskey for that is all weahave
to eat, except few French hogs and bill
ious- looking ta1poles. which we catch when
the river runs down.
%. s.What part Of the West is the best
to emigrate to, taking in consideration the
healthiest Of the climate?' p
a variety Of opinions about that, my dear
fellow. Ogr Senator, Mr. Douglas, says
that Nebraska is best. So it is, if you want
to &c to into the stock business, raising an
unruly kind Of mixed colored cattle, that
will stray of to Canada in spite oft the Com
promise Of 1850 or 1856, or Of Senator
| Douglas. IF you want to speculate in pa
pooses, white scalps, and get your own scalp
taken off scientifically, go to Nebraska by
all m ans. If you can play poker for a liv~
ing, live On corn bread and bacon week days
ard slippery elm bark on Sundays, come to
illinois. II you want to go where they
have no Sundays, nor anything to eat, ouly
that they brought from the East, 60 to Iowa !;
Or if you want to grass on all fours, or do
as other kind Of cattle do, 60 to Salt Lake !!
you want to go where they receive the
mails annually, where they live on wild cram
berries crumbled in water from the MIissis.
sippi river, where three wigwams make a
city, and a paper Of pins and a bar of Yam
kee soap merchant, go to Minnesota.
81 ''Does the fever and ague prevail
much in Wisconsin 2
Of course it does. Nobody out West is
fool enough to ask such question. Every
body shakes; even the trees shake; you can't
coax crab apple to stay on when it is good
for anything ; it will shake man out Of bed
and kick him out Of doors.
9Th. How does a presumption hold
good?'
That depends on circumstances. If you
have good rifle, and know how to use it,
you have chance in ten, to live till you
starve to death. But if you can't stand FIRE
and are not a good shot and quick one,
take my word for it, you had better larry in
Jericho until your beard be grown; they
are all too shy for you in these woods.
5th. sis land to be had in the North part
[of Ohio for 81 Is per acre, and is it good ?"
That's all fudge, got up by spectators to
gull some greenhorn like you or me, for, to
the best of my knowledge and belief, Ohio
was worn out ten years ago. The whole
business Of the railroads in warm weather
is to carry back folks who have been West.
All that the railroads. have been doing this
winter is carrying dirt out Of Ohio into
Michigan to raise few beans and oats to
keep the folks from starving to death next
summer.
AS to the land in the Northwest Of Ohio,
it is Is inches under water most Of the year
and will probably be worth 81 rs per acre,
when water snakes and copper heads bring
as much per barrel in the New York mar
ket as potatoes are worth per bushel in Al
ton.
And lastly, be wants reliable information
"a short article in your paper on the sub
ject-and he wants to get healthy location
decent land fair water
Exactly! Why, my dear sir, there is no
such thing as reliable information out West
unless you give him five hundred dollars,
and then you can't belief half he says.
A witness won't tell the truth in court
unless you first scare him to death, and make
him swear he won't lie, and then he neither
himself nor nobody else knows whether he
tells the truth or not.
AS for fair water, we have none it is all
bilious compound of liquid mud, dead buff
faloes. fish and rotten rattle-snakes.
Our common drink, when we can't get
whiskey, is one-third coffee, one-third prai-
RE mud and the other third tobacco juice.
Upon the whole, if you have good water,
and can get enough to eat, stay where you
are - Western paper.
EB Fanny Fern says if one half the girls