The Hancock Jeffersonian. [volume] (Findlay, Ohio) 1857-1870, 1859-03-18
Too Fast VS.. Too Slow.
ACTI. SCENE I.
Eater Mr.. Fory. ,caikins bdek,oards and for
toards IN hs Parior Of his Parsonage.

| 0ards IN hf fdrfor of AIS Parsondgt.
Oh! this crazy worldi this crazy
world everything goes by steam, ex
cept what runs by lightning. nark
there is scream as II q hundred
devils screamed at once, and then q
roar, and the rattle OF wheels, and 9
train of cara rush by like a come,
endowed with life. Everything il
on the high-pressure system. lver-
lily believe that the earth lie q loco.
motive, with volcanoes for smoke
pipe, aud the celestisls have built a
railroad to ''eternal smash;" and We
are all aboard the train, with era
zy devil tor engineer, with tire Groke o.
men all drunk or asleep! How car
a respectable old gentleman live or
this planeti Everything is whirl-
ing. Business men. lawyers, politi-
clans; everybody but clergymen,
seem in a brain fever, and even a
few Of the clergy are forever talking
of progress! progress! until life has
become great scramble to ge,
ahead. What shall | do9 wish
could get into one of those planets
that only turn round once in seven
years. Wouldn't that be a fine place
for a conservative old gentlem ant -
One year OF calm twilight; two years
and a half of twilight! Think Of the
long evenings, lasting Elk months
then a year and half to sleep;
six months rom daylight to sunrise;
a month to eat breakfast in; then q
year and half to sundown again,
with six months siesta on a sofa at
noon, and 80 on to the end. Ahl
that would be a life OF the sort f"r
me. Bnt if one dies here he cannot
rest. The Spiritualists will have
him knocking about in no time. He
must tip tables, make speeches for
Judge Edmonds, and turn Professor
Hare's spirit catcher. What on earth
shall | doi
There! ding.dong goes the door
bell, ~ il the house were on fire. -
Some man OF progress, I'll be bound,
with some new idea in his head
bridget! Bridget! Where OH earth
is the Irish huzzv?"
bridget. from the top Of the
stairs) "Here, what do you WANT"
"Go to the door. the bell rings"
Eyes, in q minute. But I've got
me hoops on, and can't get down
stairs, the way is 80 narrow. Wait
till l get on chair to climb out OF
Inc new drcss."
"Wait, you huzzy! There goes
the bell again. must 90 to the
door myself, or the bell wire will be
broken"
(Ar. Fogy goes to the door, where
a young man of eighteen, with pat.
ent-leather boots, with a patent hat
or his patent head, turned out by
Fowler & Wells, practical phrenolo-
gists, stands at the door, looking like
a live fashion-plate from Genio
Scott's
"Ah, my boy what do you want"
"Boy.-I am not boy, sir, (twirl-
ing his patent goatee,) am general
agent for the society Tor improving
the race, and | have come to lay our
plane before you, and gst your pat.
ronage."
"Ah, yes, with groan) walk in
sir"
Il have just ten minutes and three
quarters to spare before the light
ming train leaves for the city Of Co.
it-while you're.young," and l can
develop the grandest scheme for re-
generating man, that has ever been
discovered, in that time"
"Regenerating mani Why, cir, ]
have been preaching Gospel regen.
GRAFTON these forty years. The only
way | know of is for men to repen,
and live pure lives"
"Oh, that's all out of date. Why,
nowadays a man can become a
Christian in thirty seconds by the
watch 1t don't change his life at
all. He can cheat and gamble in
politics and lotteries, buy and sell
negroes. and lie himself into Office
just as we'll. The parson does up
the piety nova days, and all that a
fashionable sinner has to do, is to
sign the paper, (creeds believe they
call them,) pay his quarterage, and
he can get free pass on the first
class trains to heaven, where he car
'pre-empt the best site for heavenly
mansions;' and realize for his lott
in three days! That old idea o
Pilgrims Progress is all dow in thu
market, and won't pay ten cents OF
a dollar. But | want to show 20,
my plan"
(Mr. Fogy stares-too much stucl
up to spcak.)
"You see, cir, man is but a com
binstion Of electricity aud the Ody
lic forces, clothed in flesh and blood
If therefore, you can concentrate ant
combine these elements in prope
proportion, you can make men fas
as you please. By recent wonder
full invention, by Professor A-gass
, he-is, we have got a machine for 81
!, perseding entirely the necessit
: Of being born. ! will bring in m
|, machine and show you how
: works. Here, you see, is a geners
, tor of electricity, and on this side
. is impregnated with magnetism an
! runs off into the vat, pure Odyle.-
Now We fill this vat with due quar-
titles oil the kind OF food which o ina
needs to produce the right proportio
), Of bone, muscle, and nerve to run
off after II has become fused, In,
these moulds for men, woman an
}. children, Of all sizes, from six montl