The Lambertville press., 1859-11-30

Dody LOOKS after forryOu.
* The love that has nought but
beauty to keep it in good condition, is
short lived.
* There is a high authority for odd
matches. Venus, the goddess of
beauty, married lame blacksmith.
* There is man in Connecticut
who has such a hatred for everything
appertaining to monarchy that he won't
wear crown to his hat.
** If Gen. Tom Thumb finds a fit
ting wife, the public viii enjoy the,
pomological exhibition of new Yarie-
ty of Dwarf Pair.
** Traveler-"What time does the
railroad get in, sir 2"
Loafer-" Same time the depot goes
out /"
TX Mr.. Jones writes to a friend,
and closes by saying, II am glad to
be able to say that my wife is recover
ing slowly"
Xxx A girl out west, after giving her
lover hearty smack, exclaimed -
"Dog my cat, if YoE hain't been takinr
some rye, old hossm &
** The ocean speaks eloquently and
forever er-BEECHER.
Yes, and there's no sort of use in
telling it to "dry ."-PRENTIoE.
** Be careful of counterfeit 2's on
the Phillipsburg, N. J. Bank and
good notes on all other Banks, if you
wish to prosper in this vale Of Sodom.
X ga stitch in time saves nine.'r
Judging from the hole in our" The
Subscriber" candle moulds, "a stitch
in time" might have saved several
Mines"
TX 1t is the opinion of western
editor that wood goes further when
left out Of doors than when well hous-
ed. He says some of his went half a
mile.
~ One of our exchanges advertises
for two compositors who don't drink
and adds that "the nditor does all the
getting drunk necessary to support the
dignity of the establishment.
** "My son." said Sabbath School
teacher to new scholar, "what would
you do if your dear father was sudden
ly taken away from you ?"
"Vy, I'd swear and chew terbacker. "
** Oliver Wendell Holmes, we con-
slider some on an ''eat." To "The
Subscribers certain knowledge, he
has remained over one year at the
Breakfast Table.
Xxx A Yankee editor summing up
the good qualities of a cotempora-y,
says, "He don't amount to sum in
arithmetic, add him up and there is
nothing to carry" ga1i
~ Patrick McFinigan, with wheel
barrow, ran race with locomotive
as the latter went out of sight, Mac
observed, "Aff wild ye, ye roarin blag-
gard, or I'll be after runnin' inter
yeess !" - 4
Xxx A western paper offers to write
''Mr" before or Esq" after the
names of such of its subscribers, in di-
recting their papers to them, as viii
pay twenty-five cents extra, or add
both said handles" for fifty cents
extra.
Xxx There is man in Illinois, named
W. S. Bills, who has nine wives living,
The authorities have taken charge of
him under the law of the Legislature
for the suppression of bigamy, and for
the violation of an act prohibiting the
issue of small bills in that State.
~ A man has been Swindling the
people of Philadelphia, by filing honey
combs with sugar and water and sci,
ling them for genuine. This equals
the Yankee shoemaker who purchased
lot of rotten pegs-sharpened the
blunt ends and sold them for oats.
** A celebrated comedian arranged
with his grocer, one Berry, to pay him
quarterly but the grocer sent in his
account long before the quarter was
due. The comedian called upon the
grocer, and, laboring under the I'M
preston that his credit was doubted,
said :-"I say, here's pretty n'aI,
Berry; you have sent in your o'tt,
Berry, before it is due, Berry. Your
father. the elder Berry, would not have
been such a goose, Berry; but you
need not look black, Berry; for |
shan't pay You till Christmas, Berry,