The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1859-04-13
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

pected to reply, Twenty cents pound"
i presume you won't charge any
thing for just remembering me-" said
cne-legged sailor 70 cork-leg manufac-
turer,
Why is man who makes additions
to false rumors like one who has conf
dence in all that is told Because he
relies on all he hears.
We often hear it said of sick man,
that he enjoys bad health. Such is not
the case. The only persons VIII enjoy bad
health are the doctors.
= The cost Of all the canals in the
United States is estimated by the Jour
nal Of the American Geographical Socic-
ty at sl75,oo0,ooO.
In Washington, few days since,
a married lady said: "Ah! / am sorry
for that tragedy. l have not been able
TO get nary gentleman to speak with me
since I've heard of it."
Speaking of shaving" said pret-
ty girl 10 an obdurate old bachelor, ~
should think that pair Of handsome
eyes would be the best mirror to shave
by" "Yes, many poor fellow has
been shaved by them," lie replied.
-"Wife said tyranncal husband TO
his much-abused consort, al wish YOU TO
make me pair of false bosoms." al
should Think" replied she, "that one bo-
som, as false rs yours is, would be sufii-
cient." Exit husband in brown study.
=" did hurt your said lady the
other day, when she trod on a mans toes.
No, madam, thank you, seeing that
it's you; but if it were anybody else, i
would have hollerod out murder!"
- An Irish postboy. having driven
gentleman a long stage during torrents of
rain, the gentleman said TO him, "Pat,
are you not very wetl "No, please your
honor, I'm very dry"
-" What's that! y said schoolmas-
ter, pointing to the letter Y. "Dadd's
name." "No, it isn't your daddy's name,
you blockhead, It's X.' "rll be darned
il 'tis. It's daddy's name, III be blowed
ifit amt, an ther's no use talkin' old hoss
I've seen him write it often"
-"Pap, planted some potatoes in
our garden" said one of the smart youths
of this generation TO his father, "and
what do you think came up" "Why
potatoes, Of course" "No, stree, There
came up drove of hogs and eat them
all"
A newly appointed constable at
Rochester, Michigan, few days ago, un-
dertook TO turn a man out Of Court, who,
Inc thought, was intorrupting the proceed
ings. The gentleman quietly withdrew,
and the constables soon after was inform
cd that he had turned out the sheriff.
Swell, (who, when he is asked to
dine at half past six, thinks it time to
come at half-past eight.) Haw! I'm
afraid you've been waiting dinnaw for
mew Lady Of the House "Oh dear,
no. We have dined some time; will
you take some tear
An Iisbman, going TO be hanged,
begged that the rope might be tied un-
der his arms instead Of round his throat,
''fer," said Pat, "rm so remarkably tick
lish in tbs throat that if tied there III
certainly kill myself with laughter"
-" Ny son" said doting father, who
was about taking his son into business,
''what shall be the style of the new firm ?"
"Well, governor" said the one and-twen-
ty youth, looking up 10 find an answer,
Z" l don't know; but suppose we call it
John II. Saplin, Esq, & Father.
- A country clergyman WAS boasting
of having been educated at two colleges.
" You remind me-" said an aged divine,
Of an instance | know Of calf that suck
ell two cows" "What was the conse-
quence!' said a third person. "Why,
sir" replied the old gentleman, very
gravely, the consequence was that he
was very great calf"
A fellow down in Mississippi, who
does not have confidence in the honesty
oi pOStIDdSttiS, NIoec tiio iOliOHH- ""'H
ing on the back of one Of his letters, di-
rected TO the post Office in Kentucky:-
Now, look here, all you postmasters! i
want you to be very particular with this
document; it is cash letter. Now,
look herel l sec you! Dou't break the
sealr'
- A lady riding in a carriage few
weeks since, found herself seated by the
side of an old matron, who was exceed
ingly deaf "Ma'am," said she, in high
tone, Ibid you ever try electricity ~
"What did you say, miss y al asked
you il you ever tried electricity for your
deafness ?" 40, yes indeed l did; It's
only last summer got struck by light
ming, but don't see as it did me a bit
Of good
WHALERs AT JAPANESE PoRTs.--It is
said that from fifty to hundred whalers
will put into japanese ports next season,
to refit and obtain supplies, instead Of go
iur 10 Honolulu rs they have hitherto