davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

mean? I am going to college, and then am
going to be a lawyer"
"Well, admitting all that, / imagine Squire
Edward c., will have good many doors
to shut, if he ever makes much of man."
"What kind of doors /? Do tell me grand
MOTHER
e Sit down a moment, and will give you a
list.u
In the first place, the door of your EARS
must be closed against bad language and evil
counsel of the boys and young men you will meet
with at college, or you will be undone. Let
them once get possession of that door, and
would not give much for Edward C--'s fu-
ture prospects.
- The door of your EYES, too, must be shut
against bad books idle novels, and low, wicked
newspapers, or your studies will be neglected,
and you viii grow up useless, Ignorant man ];
you will close them sometimes against the fine
things exposed for sale in the shop windows, or
you will never learn to save yourmoney, or have
any left to give away.
'tThe door of your LIPS will need especial care,
for they regard All unruly member, which makes
great use of the bad company let in at the doors
of the eyes and ears. The door is very apt to
blow open; and if not constantly watched, will
let out angry, trihing, and vulgar words, 1t
will backbite sometimes, worse than the winters
wind, if it is left open too long. would advise
you to keep it shut much Of the time, till you
have laid up a store of knowledge, or at least
till You have. something valuable to say.
4" The inner door of your HEART must be well
shut against temptations for, conscience the
door keeper, grows very indifferent, if yon dis
regard his call; and sometimes drops asleep at
his post, and when you may think you are very
we'll, you are fast going down to ruin.
/" If you carefully guard the outside doors of
the eyes, ears, and lips, you will keep out many
cold blasts of sin, which get in before you think
:" This shutting doors, you see, Eddy, will
be serious business-one on which your well
doing, in this life and the next depend, - Mo
theirs Magazine.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
A Wine Bath.

An American traveller in the streets of Paris,
seeing the words, 6 Wine baths given here, ,".ex-
claimed - a.e@ #
"Well! these French are a luxurious peo-
ple.n Then with the Yankee curiosity and the
feeling that he could afford whatever any one
else did, walked in and demanded a wine BATH"
Feeling wonderfully refreshed after it, and
having to pay but francs, he asked, in some as
tonishment, how d wine bath could be afforded
so cheaply. His sable attendant, who had been
a slave in Virginia, and enjoyed sly bit of hu-
NOR, replied -
"Oh, massa, we jest pass it along into ahnud-
der room, where we glib baths at francs"
Then you throw it away suppose"
= " No, fGassa; den we send it lower down, and
charge 5 francs bath. Dar's plenty people
who amt so berry particular, who viii battle in
it after this, at francs ahead Den, massa, we
let the common people have 1t at a franc apiece"
y tsThen, ofcourse,you throw it away, exclaim-
ed the traveller, who thought this was going ef-
en- beyond Yankee profit.
No, indeed, massa, was the indignant reply,
accompanied by profound bow, no, indeed,
massa, we are not SO extrayagant as dat comes
to; we just bottle it up den, and send i to
'Meriky for champagne.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
-MBI5RTVIIILT.. .N J., THURSDAY, o3CfT. 30, 1859.

& a t
SAILS daddy hadn't hollered out it was time for
all honest folks to be in bed, do believe I'd
staid there all mite
GU orter seed ME when got home. pull
ed dad out of bed and hugged him. I pulled
marin out of bed and hugged her. pulled the
niger servant out of bed and hugeed her, /
roared, and snored and hollered | erode like a
rooster! / danced about and cut up more
capers than you ever heard tell on till dad thot
/ was crazy, and got a rope to tie me with
Dad" sell i" I'm gwine to so for to get
marrid /"
Marrid p bawled,dad.
"Marrid !! y bawled marnl.
''Marrid ! = squeaked ant Jane.
Yes marrid," sez /, !" marrid all over;
fyned in wedlock; hooked on for wurser or
for better, for life and for death. to Sal am
that very thing; me, Peter Skorum, Esquire.
With that up and tells them all about it,
from Alpher to Omegar. They were all nifty
pleased and nifty willin, and / went to bed as
proud as young rooster with his first spurs.
o, Jehosophat but didn't / feel tremendous
good. | didn't sleep a wink, but kept rollin
about and thinkin, till felt my cup NV happi-
mess full, pressed down, and running over.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

One day little girl about five years old heard
a preacher of certain denominational order
praying most Justify, till the roof rang with his
supplication. Turning to her mother, and
.beckoning the maternal ear down to speaking
distance she whispered:
9 Mother, don't you think that if he lived
nearer God he wouldn't have to talk SO loud 7"
Such question is worth volume on ell
ocution in prayer
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

A DIVINE Grew. Mr. R., whose heart
is ar full of loving kindness his head is of wit
and learning) was settled in the town Oil,
in Mfddlesex county, Massachusetts,. On the
first Sabbath following, after morning service,
one of the deacons introduced him to par~
ishioner
a"Mr. RI, allow me TO introduce you to
Mr.. P he is one of the pillars Of our
church. y
I" Indeed |" said Mr.. R--, observed
Mr.. P----during the sermon, and it occurred
to me then that he was one of the sleepers"
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

This was in the night. The nextday evening,
the Bon Homme Richard went down head fore
most. Thus terminated the strangest naval fight
on record. s4
Paul Jones took the Scraps, but Capt. Pear
son sunk the Bon Homme Richard
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Dr., JOHNSON remarked that habit of look
ing on the best side of every event is better
than thousand pounds of year. When
Fenelon's library was on fire God pc praised,
he exclaimed, that it is not the dwelling of some
poor man. a8
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
IN 1t tt d I d 1t q !.

During the late severe weather cow is said
to have caught such cold that she yielded
nothing but ice cream ever since.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Dogs are said to speak with their tails. y
Would it be proper to call short tailed Cog a
"stump orator?n
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
Shutting'D Doors.

4 "Don't look SO cross, Edward, when / call you
back to shut the door; grandmother feels the
cold wintry wind; and besides you have to
spend all your life in shutting doors, and might
as well begin now.
Do, forgive me- grandmother I ought to
be ashamed to cross you. But what do you
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

MANY persons gives US dying words of great
men, but none of them are so touching and
beautiful as the last words of the old school
master = at is growing dark-school may be
dismissed" Down to the gates of an unseen
world he carried the love and regard of the
children he had trained. 1t was his last dis
.missal.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

a dentist presented bill for the tenth time
to rich skinfint. M
4. 1T strikes me,n said the latter " that this
is pretty round bill "
..Yes," replied the dentist, I" I've sent it
round often enough to make it appear 50, and
/ have called, now to get it squared. "
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

A waggish candidate coming, in the course
of his canvass, to tailor's shop, said, What
we look for here are measures, not men,"
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
b. B. Blackwell, Publisher.
e oct i q q 9 q L
The Workman.

The noblest men I know on earth,
Are men whose hands are brown with toll
Who, backed by no ancestral graves,
Hew down the woods and till the soil,
And win thereby a prouder name, &.
THAI follows kings or warriors fame.
The working men, whate'er their task
Who carve the stone, or beac the hod,
They bear upon their honest broWs -
The royal stamp and seal of God;
And worthier are their drops of sweat
Than diamonds in coronet.
God bless the noble working men,
Who rear the cities of the plain,
Who dig the mines, who build the ships,
And drive the commerce of the main;
God bless them for their toiling hands
Have wrought the glory of all lands.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Il A schoolboy being asked to define the wore
admission said it meant twenty five cents.
Twenty five cents I" echoed the MASTER
"what sort of a definition is that (
"I don't know, . sulkily replied the boy, but
I'm sure it says SO on the advertisement down
here at the show.
Eyes, said another boy, and children half
price,
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
We insert the following for the edifcation of
he tribe to which it aludes:
Dandies.

What is more hateful than puppy6ed dandies
-starched up blatherskites- -witless ninny ham
mers or empty headed asses-strutting with o
coxcomb's air, stepping like wax-doIs on wires,
and talking as if the English language was too
vulgar to be spoken? We heard one of them
thus address his companion -
" Foine weatheaw this mawning Wondaw
how the themometah staads to-day Such a
voluptuous atmospheah is most delicious. All |!
| say, Petah, bring me most delightful punch
and churegaws, will yeau ?"-Bah
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

MEN's lives should be like the days, more
beautiful in the evening or like the seasons,
a glow with promise and the autumn rich with
golden sheayes, where good words and deeds
have ripened on the field.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

81 THE quantity ofoysters opened at Fairhayen,
Conn.,, within the past six months, is 100000
bushels, equivalent to $4,000 gallons.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

At town meeting in Ireland it was recently
voted " that all persons in the town owning dogs
shall be muzzed" 4"
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Patrick, meeting jackass braying hideously,
remarked It's fine large ear that bird has
for music, but he's got wonderful cowld. -
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

It takes three. editors to start a paper in
New Oreans-one to get killed in a duel, one
to die with the yellow fever, and one to write
an obituary of the defunct two
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

"Be jabers," says Pat, " the diyil show has
man who waits till he is kilt before he acts on
the de6ncive''
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

A letter-writer thinks witnessing Blondin
walk his tight rope, is almost as good as seeing
a man hung.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Or. JOHNSON says Good actions are never
lost or thrown" That is probably the reason
why one seldom meets with them.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

USE the best language in your common con-
rersation at home, and you viii soon acquire .
habit Of using Il on all occasions.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

What share is worth the most A plow
share Because its one share in the bank of
earth is worth ten in the bank of paper,
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

A drunken man tried to get watchman to
arrest his own shadow. His complaint was
Hat an i'll looking scoundrel kept following
Ffm.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20
Domestic Economy.

Said Simpson to his wife one day,
r We've nothing left to eat,
If things go on in this queer way,
We shan't make both ends meet. :"
The dame replied, in words discreet,
We're not so badly fed,
If we can make but one end meat,
And make the other bread Z"
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Why are wedding rings made of gold Be
cause gold is the best conductor of love.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Young n1en who go to balls will do well to
remember that ball should never close with
reel.
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

Some m en- must be worth money-without it
they are worth nothing. ~
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

A California paper makes mention of mos
quitoes, so large that they can stand on their
hind legs and drink out of a pint cup. Good
gwacious
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

- say, Pat what are you about-sweeping
.out the room 3" IS
mo" answered Pat, am sweeping out
the dirt, and leaving the room"
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

When is aelady's neck not a neck! When it
is little bear. a
The Lambertville press., 1859-10-20

OF his canvass, TO a JallorS SnOp, Salu, = w nat
we look for here are measures, not men,"
Dogs are said to "speak with their tails. y
Would it be proper to call a short tailed dog a
"stump orator?"
''Be jaters, " says Pat, " the diyil a show has
a man who waits till he is kilt before he acts on
the defncive.''
Patrick, meeting a jackass braying hideously,
remarked /" It's fine large ear that bird has
for music, but he's got wonderful cowld. :
A letter~wrter thinks witnessing Blondin
walk his tight rope, is almost as good as seeing
man hung.
Young men who go to balls will do well to
remember that ball should never close with
reel.
Some m en- must be worth money-without it
they are worth nothing. E
- - - = II 4.
A California paper makes mention of mos
quitoes so large that they can stand on their
hind legs and drink out of a pint cup. Good
gwacious
When is lady's neck not a neck When it
is a little bear Bar
- I say, Pat, what are you about-sweeping
.out the room /? /"
mo" answered Pat, q am sweeping out
the dirt, and leaving the room"
Why are wedding rings madeof gold ]? Be
cause gold is the best conductor Of love.
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23
5elett puetry.
The old arm Chair.

love il, love il, and who shall dare
To chidc me from loving the old arm chair,
I've treasured it long as n sainted prize,
've bedew'd it with tears, aud embraced it
with sighs,
. 'Tis Sonsd by n thousand hands to my heart
Not n tie will break, not a link will start.
Would We learn the spell ! n mother sat
there,
And n sacred thing is that old arm chair.
{ ~. childhood's hour I fingered near,
The haliowed seat with listening ear,
And gentle words that mother would give
To fit me to die, and teach me TO live
She told mc shame would never betide
With truth for my creed and God for my
guide
o She taught Inc TO lisp my earliest prayer,
AS knclt beside that old arm chair.
| sat and watched her many day,
When her eyes grew dim and her locks
were gray,
And almost wor,hipred her when she
smiled,
And turned from her bible TO oless her child.
Years rolled on, but the last one sped
My idol was shattered, my garth star fled
| learnt how much the heart can bear,
When ] SAW, hyr dc in that old arm chair
lis past. It's past. but gaze on it now,
With quivcring breath and throbbing brow.
Twas there she nursed me, twas there she
died
And memory flows with lava tide.
Say it is folly. and deem me weak,
While the scading drops star, down my
check,
i love It, love it, and who shall tear
My soul from my mothers old arm chair.
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23
A Word for Old Maids.

Few things annoy us more than the un q.
graceful Jeers with which The unmarried
condition Of females of Il certain age is
alluded to 10y the thoughtless or spiteful
of both sexes. The very name of odd
maid is the dread of fathers. Not so
much on accoun, of the actual deprivation
OF many Of the sweetest delights of life,
to which such are condemned, but for the
unjust ridicuIe attaching to the Glass;
An old maid is alluded 10 as if a degree
of shame were attached to her condition.
Sarcasm and unte"iIng mockery are ever
busy with her. Her poverty does not ap
pear TO maliguify sufficient reason Tor
her ceIibacy II searches, and perhaps
finds, 10y dint Of cunning and pryng, some
motive more sad for the single blessed
ness OF the poor victim, in some secre, de
feet or concealed fault. Now, why should
celibacy, which is regarded rs a stain up-
on woman, be excused in man Z Is
the old bachelor being more WORTHY Of
dignity and respect? Generally erotisti
Cal and suspicious, and dependent upon
servants for the comforts OF life, he per.
haps proIongs IN his voluntary celihacv
the dlssipa,ions oi his youth. or is absorb.
ed in seIfiShness. The old maid, or the
contrary, is often 80 from misplaced re.
lance on the intdeIity OF deceiver, or
from devotion to her parents. Her soil
tafy slate is thus misfortune or a vir.
tue.
She is sometimes sour in temper be
cause she has been soured-prudish, be-
cause her very mndesty has been frecuen.
ly the suhjec, of Jokes; but how often she
redeems these detects which are those
OF posl,ion-hy thousand proofs of DC
votion and affection. Her heart Graves
for objects Of love; If All orphan, she will
attach herself to her guardians or grand
parents deprived Of these, she seeks a
sister or some young relative, and in the
family which she has chosen she takes
that part which the Germans so we'll ex
pres bv the epithe:, The aunt OF the era
die She does that which is refused by
Others, exercises patience which Others
cannot know, aud exhibits meek virtues
which lew Others can practice. Decided
! Iy, we object To the i'll natured sarcasm $,
often applied to character that ough,
to he pi,ied TO- its misfortune, and beloved
4 for its peculiar virtues.
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

OLD BAcHELpRs.-An exchange saws:
IL our Maker thoughtit wrong for Adam
to live single, when there was no, u wo
man upon the earth, how criminaly gull
ty are old bachelors, with tie world full
Of pretty girls.
The Savannah Necs meets the railing
accusation Ever since the days Of Ad
am, old bachelors have been the butt of
everybocy's ridcule. We protest against
ii. There is a vast difference between
Adam aud the old bachelors Of our day.
Adam could afford to msrry-many bach.
eIors of our day cannot. What with
crinoine, five hundred dollar shawIs, dia.
mond bracelets, and pin money, it is no
small undertaking At this age of the
world. Eve had no choice--it WAS Adam
or nobody. She had no chance to get up
filtration, for there Was no one 10 firt
with. Seeing no other means Of tantali.
zing her husband-a feminine peculiarity
frow that Gav to lhis-she got him iuto
scrape ly eating the forbidden :ruit.-
odd bachelors are crlmrnaliy guilty. are
they Give 'old bachelors the same
chance Adam bad and our word for it, a
majority Of them would put on matrlmo.
ny III no time
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

FACTS ABOUT CorroN The quantity
OF cotton wool consumed in 1850 bv the
chief cotton manufacturers of the world
was 759, 600, 0,O0olbs., more than half OF
which was used up in Great Britain. The
total value Of the latter, when manufac.
tured, has been stated bv Mr.. Henry Ash
worth 10 be 1907, 400, 900, Of which only
about one third may be estimated as the
value o. the raw maIerial-ihe cost oi
labor, machinery, and profits being es,i.
mated at about Sls7 100000. The effect
Of a temporary cessation Of the wonted
supplies of cotton would be to throw
hundreds Of thousands into beggary and
all the LANDED property in the north oI
England would soon soon be swallowed
up to maintain the population thus thrown
upon thsipoenr 1tes for support Scisn.
tife A,ner;cen.
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

"A HINDoo SroRY.--A poor Ilindoo,
having been released from the cares of
this world, and from scu.vv wife, PIE.
s'uted himself at tie gate OF Bralma' S
paradise. Have YOU been through pur'
gatory asked the god. No! hul /
have been married,' he replied serious,
Come in, then its all the same. At
this moment arrived another man. iU-.
defunct, who begged Of BraHma to he
permitted to go in also. Softly, son.y !.
have YOU been through Purgatory 2! no
but what of that Did YOU not admit
moment ago, one who had not lc,u
there any m"rc Ihnn 2 Married WHO
are you talking to have been iuarr.,l
twice %, pshaw = replied Br,hma
'ge; away! Paradise is not for fools
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

How TO SwEETEN THE GALS - To hear
George tell the 'Drugger' story is worth
quarter auy time. The story Is capital,
but II takes the mau to tell 1t. rhs he
does in some such words rs these
BE you the drugger 2
We'll, spose So; | sell drugs
Wall, hev You got any Of this here
scentin' stuff as the gals put on their han.
ke'chersi
oh, yes replied the druggist.
Wal, our g-Hs gwine TO be married.
and she gin me nine pence and told me
TO inves! the hull 'mouut in scenin' stuff.
SOS to make her sweet, il could find
some TO suit so il yG0' ye mind, Ill Jest
smell roand.'
The Yankee Smeled around without
being suited until The 'drugger' got tireG
of him, and taking down a bollle of harls.
horn. said
i've got scentin' stuff that will suit
you. A single drop on handkerchief
will stay for weeks, and YOU can't wash
ii out; but 10 get the Strength OF il, you
must take a good big SMELL
IS shat so, mister? Wall, Jest bold
on mint I'LL get breath, and when
say neon. you pu. it under my smeIier.'
The bartshorn, of course, knocked the
Yankee down, as liquor bas many man.
Do You suppose ho got up and snelI
again, rs the drunkard doesG No, i've :;
but rolling up ms sleeves and doubling
up his fist, he said
You made me smell that evcrlastin'
stuff, mister, and now ~ make you sm ell
fire and birthstone 7
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

Bs TnvxArrs. WITH CnILpREN.-Some
people tell i;sssap children with view Of
enjoyihg tAp4h a iher credulity. This
is TO- araks . Bseek at sin, and they are
fools Who 90 Il. 'ii,s tendency in child
to beIiese ws.atHver Is told, is Of God for
good. 1t issio~sfy. II seems shadow
Of primeval taipseence glaucipg by. We
should revere,rcela Ohrd's simplicity
Touch ii only with truth. BE not The
first to quench that lovely truthfulness by
fslsehoods.
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

If you marry said Roman consul
to his son, let II be woman WHO las
judgment and industry enough to &c. a
mca! Ct yictHaIs taste enough to dress
neatly; pride enough to wash before
breakfast; and sense enough to noId her
tongue
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

secure uot only present enjoyment but
safety for the future said To- myself
these people are styled eccentric. Their
regular temperate habits vii. ensure
health, and there is 10 doud: they will
gain AL Independence, and this without
having dwaried their souls, bartered their
integrity, or resigned any rational pleas
ure.'
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

John you seem 10 gain flesh every dqv;
the grocery business must agree with YOU.
What dit vou weigh Iastr
We'll, Simon, ! really forgot. bat it
strikes me it was a pound of butter
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

n Doctor up to"n gave the following
prescription for u SEX lady Few days
ago: "A rcw bonnet, a ca,hmere shawl
aud pair of gti'er bo'.sr The lady re.
covered immediately,
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

Kissing pretty Girl down South"
Young gentleman asked her 'wha, made
her So sweet :
'O'' she replied in utter innocence, my
father is sugar planter
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

PRAYER AND SALvATIoN.-Prayer is
the certain iorerunner Of salvation. Sin.
ner, thou canst not pray and perish pray
er and Perishing are two things that nev.
er go together. | ask you not what your
prayer is; it may be a groan, it may be
tear, wordIess prayer, or a prayer in
broken English, ngrammatica and barsh
to the ear but i it be . prayer from the
innermost heart, thou shalt he saved or
else this promise is lie. As surely as
thou pTayest, whoever thou mayest be-
whatever thy past lie, whatever the trans.
gressions in which thou haet INDUCED,
though they be the foulest which poiIute
mankind. yet il from thy heart thou hast
learned to pray
Prayer is the breath of God in man,
Returning whence it came"
And thou canst not perish with Gods
breath in thee. "Whosoever shall cal
upon the name Of the Lord shall DO saw.
cd !"-Spurgeoa.
The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1859-03-23

Men are born with two eye, but with
one tongue, in order that they should seq
twice as much AS they say. The same IS
applicable to women and bows.