The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1859-08-13

~Why is a certain great actor lying on
bis oars7 Forrest.
wWhat is society, after all, but mix
ture Of mister les and miss cries?
CO" The best adhesive label you can put
on luggage is to stick to it yourself.
CT Geneaologists agree that "skippers'
are directly descended from Ham.
CIWhy is whispering, breach of good
manners? Because it is not aloud.
CO Why is the east wind like famous
American painter? Because it's Ben West.
cE- lie that wears 4 tight boot is likely
to have narrow understanding.
~ There are no objections to broils in
house, 20 they be confined to the kitchen.
cT"Raising the wind" is now denomi-
mated, more elassically, "exciting the finan-
cial Eolus."
cVA failure Of grapes is anticipated, on
account OF the ladies cutting all the vines
for hoops.
CO What proof have we there was sew.
ing in tho time Of David2 Because he was
hemmed in on every side.
CO What's the difference between a car
riage wheel and carriage horse? Ono
goes better when it tired-the other don't.
CT Never travel without Pocket Com.
panion. A well-flled pocket. book is the
best.
CO Why does sailor know that there 10
man in the moon? Because he has been
to sea.
60 Three things that never agree-Two
cats over one mouse; two wives in one
house; two lovers after one girl.
cTAbout the only person We ever heard
of that wasn't spoiled by being lionized was
Jew named Daniel.
CO Whose best works are trampled upon
most? A shoemsker's; because good Shoes
last longer than bad ones.
rTt is a mistaken "a Fundamental
error?) notion that the " seat of war" and
the "seat of honor" are synonymous terms.
Co." Mother, l heard sister swear."-
"What did she say?" "She said she was
going to wear her darned stockings to
church,
cvA Democratic organ in Illinois thinks
that We swish Mr.. d ouslas dead" Oh, no,
We don't, but we heartily wish his father
had never seen his mother.-Lou. Jour.
wA young lady who had lost, or miss
laid her beau, was advised to chang up her
fiddle" She said the advice did great rio
lence to her heart-strings.
rTln youth, hearts are trumps; in man.
hand Hiaypop1. al
circumstances; but after all spades are sure
to win when the game Of life closes.
cyA fellow, not On good terms with his
boots had the impudeucs to remark that he
could sell them easily enough, because they
had been half-soled once.
CO Agentleman who had a scoldiog wife,
in answer to an inquiry after her health,
said she was pretty well, only subject at
times to breaking out in the mouth.
CT" What is that ?" asked a teacher Of
little girl, pointing to the letter X. "Why,
that's papa's name; Eve seen him write it
ever so many times"
CO When party Of four has devoured
two pats OF strawberries, what term should
We apply to them? We should say there's
aquartet.
CT Mr.. John Jack, kentucky editor.
says that ono day his gal slapped him in the
lace, averring, by way of apology, that she
was fond of slap-jack
CO. Moses, seeing a chap hoeing and
another moving, in the same field, remarked
that their occupations were decidedly hoe
now geneous.
cV During the rain on Friday last,
cow is said to have caught such cold that
she has yielded nothing but ice cream. ever
since.
an thy fathers SPIRIT" as the
bottle said to the little boy when no found
it hidden in the woodpile, and wondered
what it was.
CT \ letter from Pixies Peak, saws that
gambling and whiskey- drinking flourish
there extensively. Tanglefoot whiskey sells
for Is cents a drink, and "it will almost
make man shed bis toe-nails."
AT hotel one day, one boarder re-
marked to his neighbor, g This must be a
very healthy place for chickens" "Why.n
asked tho other. "Becau,e | never sec any
dead ones about.'
cY The editor of the Sandusk7 Pioneer
rs been presented with fine shirt. collar.
lls IS waiting for somo ono to give him
shirt, SO he can put the collar to some use.
AT present it is a perfect superhuity to him.
c." Don't you Think said a vain fell
low, "that | am fit to be King of Great
Britain or Emperor of the Frenoh?' "No,
but ysu might make Dogs of Venice, if
the title were only cur-tailed of letter.
e. When Louis wants hot bath, and
hasn't the change to pay for it, he has only
to tell his girl that he has about mado up
his mind to select another sweetheart, and
he is in no; water Immediately.
CT Dean Swift, hearing Of carpenter
falling through the scafFoldng of house
which he was engaged in repairing, drvly
remarked that he bad got through bis work
promptly.
Is Mr.. Smith in 2" asked m Irish
man. "No," was the reply ;"will you leave
your name?" "Och, murthsr Do YOU
think I'd be afther going home without
name?" rejoined Pat.
"How came such greasy mess into
the oven?" said a fdgety spinster to her
maid Of all-work.
"Why," replied the girl, "the candles fell
into some water, and put them in tho oven
to dry"
CO" Pray, poleshman," said a saucv
jade from the Emerald ls.e, "why do YOU
wear that white thing round one of YOUR
wrists?' "To show we are on dutv.n was
the reply. "Och, by the powers. thought
it was because We didn't know yer right
band from yer lef,.'
ca During an election time, one of the
candidates called upon a tradssman and
solicited his vote.
81 would rather vote for the Devil than
you," was the reply.
"Bu. in that case, should your friend not
come forward" said the candidate, "might
! not count on your assistance ?"
cV"You are great BORE" said an
enraged gentleman, from his chamber win
dow, to a youth who had been serenading
his daughter half an hour-"you are great
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