The weekly Mississippian. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1859-1864, 1859-07-27
TOO FAST rs. TOO SLOW


Il
ACT I.-seENE 1.
- Enter Mr.. Fogy, walking backward ana
forward in the parlorof his parsonage.
Oh, this crazy world this crazy world
everything goes by steam, except what run
lby lightning Hank there is screech, as
hundred devils screamed at once, and then
roar, and the rattle of wheels, and train 0
i ears rush by like comet endowed with life
Everything is on the high pressure system
1 yeri1y believe that the earth is locomotive
with volcanoes for smoke pipe, and the ce
lestials have built railroad to eternal smash
and we are all aboard the train, with a crazy
devil for engineer, with the brakemen al
drunk or asleep. How can q respectable OLE
/ gentleman live on this planet Everything
/ Is in q whiri. Business men, politicians, law
i yers. everybody but cleFgymen seem in a braiI
fever. and even few of the clergy are forever
talkingof progress progress until life ha.
become great scramble to get ahead. Wha
Ishall I do? wish could. get into some o
/ these planets that only turn round once il
seven years. Wouldn't that be a nice plact
for q conservative old gentleman One veal
of calm twilight; two years and half o
i night Think of the long evenings lasting
six months-then year and half to sleep
six months from daylight to sunrlse-a month
| to get breakfast in. Then year and half tt
shutdown again-with six months siesta on
sofa at noon, and so on to the end. All tina
would be little of the sort for me. But
one dies here he cannot rest The spiritual
lists viii have him knocked about in no time
He must tip the table, make speeches for Judgl
Bdmunds, and turn Professor Hare's spiri
catcher. What on earth shall do
There ding dong goes the door bell as if
house was ON fire. Some man of progress
I'll be bound, with another new idea in hi
head.
Bridget Bridget Where on earth is tn,
/ Irish huzzy p
j fBkdget rom the TOP Of che stairs) -;fHere
what do you want !"
/ $50 to the door, the bell rings"
| Eyes, in minute. But I've got my hoop;
on, and can't get down stairs, the way is SC
| narrow. Wait till l get on chair to climt
[ out of my new dress
: WYATT you huzzy There goes the bel
again. must go to the door myself or the
bell wire will be broke
Mr.. Fogy goes to the door, where young
man of eighteen, with patent leather boots,
with patent hat on his patent head, turned
out by Fow. & Wells, practical phrenologists,
stands at the door looking like a live fashion
plate from Genio Scott's."
aAh, my boy, what do you want ?''
boy, am not boy, sir ltwirlinga patent
goatee(-I am general agent for the Society
for Improving the Race, and l have come to
lay our plans before you andget your patron
age"
"Ah yes, with groan) walk in, sir walk
in.p
aWen, sir, have just ten minutes and three
quarters to spare, before the lightning train
leaves for the city of 'Ge-it- while-you're young
and can develop the the grandest scheme fol
egenerating men that has ever beendiscoyered
| in that tme.n
sRegenerating man? Why, sir, / have
been preaching the gospelof regeneration this
forty years. The only way know of is fol
men to repent and live pure hyes.''
'0h, that'sall out of date. Why, nova
days, man can become Christian in sc
seconds by thewatch. 1t don't change his lifi
/ at all He can. cheat and gamble in politics
and lotteries, and lie himself into Office just a
well The parson does up the piety nova
days, and all that fashionable sinner has tt
do, is to sign the paper, (creeds I believe they
call Them pay his quartefage, and he can gel
q free pass ON the first class trains to heaven
where he can pre-empt' the site for heavenly
mansions, and realize for his in three days.
Thatold idea of Pilgrims Progress is all down
IN the market, and wont pay ten cents on a
dollar. But want to show you my PLAN"
| (Mr. Fogy stares-too much struck up te
speal.)
| "You see, sir, man is but combination o.
electricity and the Odylic force, clothed in flesh
| and blood. If therefore, you can concentrate
and combine these elements in their proper
proportions, you can make men as fast as you
please. By recent wonderful invention, by
Professor A gass-he-is, we have got machine
| for superceding entirely the necessity of being
born. / win bring IN my machine and show
you how it works. Here you see is a genera
tor of electricity, on the side it is impregnated
with magnetism. and runs off into this vat
pure Odyle Now, we fill this vat with due
| quantities Of the kind of food which man
needs to produce the right proportion of bone
| and muscle, and nerve, and run off after it has
become fused, into these mould for men and
women and children, of all sizes from six
months old to forty years leave it to harden
few minutes. and then insert this piRe into
the mouth of the subject, turn on stream of
electricity, and the body begins to move
sneezes and shouts, halo let me out and
your man is made to suit your taste. can
make youa son and heir, who shall be TWEEN
ty years old in fifteen minutes. Or, if you
prefer two year old baby, Che should have
applied to Mrs. Cunningham) it will take
twelve minutes. Would you like baby p
Our charge is reasonable, sir, and ten per cent
discount to clergymen. Will you order a
son or daughter Pr
(No answer--Mr. Fogy is on the point of
swooning)
@You see the adaptation of this machine is
wonderful One of them will turn out one
hundred full grown men in a day. 1t was by
this process we manufactured the voters to
carry the Pennsylvania election for Buchanan
last fall We had severalo of our machines in
full blast, night and day, between the State
and Presidential elections in that State. Mr..
Buchanan paid for the sour krout and cotton
to feed our machines.
Our company would not take Mariposa
script, and so Fremont did not employ us and
lost his election. Atchison and Stringfellow
had two of our machines at work turning out
the Border-ruffian voters in Kansas, for months
But we were compelled to feed the machine
with so much whiskey, in order to supply the
Border-rufians with the proper spirit that
the job did not pay. We don'tlik such jobs ;
we perler finer work. We have now in con-
temptation contract with the leading denom
nations to supply them with clergymen. The
theological seminaries fail to meet the demand
as you see by the newspapers. There is a
great clerical mourning IN the land, and we
alone can comfort these mourners. You see
our scheme is magnificent We can make q
Calyinist oran Armenian, an orthodox or heter-
odox man, as you like, by varying the COM
ponent, mental and moral material To make
q Calyinist we dissolve Caiyin's Institute and
Dr.. G.'s commentaries in our machine. If he
is to be Baptist, we put in volume or two
of Andrew Fuller,s work A Methodist re-
quires volume Wesley's sermons and Fetch
er's checks. In this way you see, we can vary
the article to suit the market For q nice
young city preacher like Mr. Spurgeon, we
put in q few novels, q little rose water, de-
c0etion of moonlight, and balm Of athousand
flowers, We can make a five hundred or a
five thousand dollar article to order. We tried
once to make Henry Ward Beecher, but it
took 50 much electricity to dissolve Bible and
q Sharp's Rife, that the machine blew up, and
we gave it up. Now, sir, what do you think
of our plan.
What is the name OF your machine p
gasped out Mr.. Fogy.
Public Sentiment sir, Public Sentiment
.Ah, there goes the bell. / have but thirty
seconds to reach the depot. shall be COM
PEELED to swallow streak of lightning! You
see put.my mouth to this erifce, and the
lightning streams down my throat. Write by
The shock may startle you as I
turn on the lightning, but here it goes"
(There was fash, and the agent vanished
out Of the door, and Mr.. Fogy was left spraw-
Ing. stunned by the exposion.)