The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1859-06-08
MISCELLANEOUS.
From the N. 7. Sunday Times
A CHAPTER ON BABIES.
BY A GROWLER

I desire to say word about babies.
Because detest and detect shams, and
deal in truth instead Of twaddle, some vile
people in this community are for giving me
the reputation Of an ill-natured fellow. I
look down with lofty self fcomplacency and
sacred scorn upon such shallow traducers.
Let them do their worst, they will never
make the world believe it of me. My gen.
tleness and good nature are too apparent to
be at the mercy of such shallow trihers.--
But about babies.
I am prepared to admit they are neces-
sary. institution. Naturalists hold feas,
centipedes,s sipnsss. i:.e1s apd other things of
shfv vpxSesSf creation. Insist insist, -nfl lRf6efe
that no one shall make frivolous objections
to babies. .r- -..,-a
Babies, in the abstract, are small Jumps of
flesh, generally Of reddish color They
are also nuisances. My dear Mrs. Pretty
pet, unbend your brows. You do not look
interesting when you frown. Your smile
is so sunny-so suggestive of the paradi-
saical state Of happiness in which Mr.. Pret-
typet exists, with such partner of his daily
of domestic and mere material thunder
gusts upon that serene forehead. Oblige
me by smiling again. Besides, know all
about your baby. Be patient, and see if |
do not do that angel justice.
The world, the male world, is shockingly
prejudiced against babies. When I was a
bachelor, l was Of that way of thinking
myself am under the hard necessity Of
showing those brutes of men in their true
light, in this paper, and exposing their hy-
pocrisy about babies. Very shortly, my
dear Mrs. p, will tell the other side of the
story, and give the substance of that beau
tiful conversation you and had at Mrs. De
Britschka's ball last week. Pardon me, if
to-day give precedence to the anarchical
sentiments of Mortimer Morris, better
known in society as ''Chessy Mort"
What chessy cat is, or why that ami
NAL is used as standing Illustration for a
biped, cursed like an opera dancer, with a
perpetual spasmodic smile, have not the
least idea. That, however, is the origin of
Morris's soubriquet of "Chessy Mort" He
has q set of teeth, the moral of Mr.. Car
ker's in "Dombey and Son." and always
smiles-smiles forever-goes smiling his
way through life with that false muscular
smile. Especially his mouth widens, and
his thin lips tighten over the roots Of his
teeth, and he smiles fairly aloud over young
mothers and their first baby, like my friend
Mrs Prettypet and her darling William
Henry.-age Of Prettypet, Junior, one year,
five months, and three days, this blessed
Sunday morning. He dares to smile over
babies-the old hyena!
/ VOW, Mrs. p, if you only knew Chessy
Mort as well as do, you would never let
him hand you another plate Of oysters, or
an ice at party, as long as you live-not
| if you were starving with hunger and pros
trated with fatigue, after five hours of polka,
lancers, and the German. And if he only
looked ut William Henry you would 60 into
Mysteries. You shall know why, for will
be no party to the old hypocritc's social
imposture.
| He calls himself middle-aged. So he was
when wore round jackets. He is an old
bachelor. His nose is long; his eyes q
faded yellow hazel-the falsest of colors
his neck scraggy, and his whiskers dyed
He dresses carefully, rather than well, knows
everybody, Pcrvades society like the last
scandal, and pretends an afectionate in.
terest in-babies. --z ....
That's his crime. l could forgive him for
being an Impairment Old DOres IOr Acauiue
over the back of Seraphina's seat at the
opera on Wednesday fortnight, for half an
hour, and interrupting the tender comments
she was making to me on Il Elisir d. Amore. y
But to pretend to love babies, to dote on
them, and universally swindle the women
into enduring, nay, sometimes even praisine
him, and whipping me over his shoulders
that is an objectionable sin and he shall be
punished for It.
Do you know, he came into my room not
ten days since in . state of unusual excite
ment, and pulling his hat over his eyes
threw himself into my easiest chair an1
|growled out:
course bahiesr p
Ny flesh crspt all over me ct the hendisl
depression. "Whstr - I exclaimed, "Curs'
what?"
'Babies r. aaid Chessy-acurse babies
l hate them, from the top Of their nasty
idiotic little heads, to the ends Of their vile
Ipudgy little toes. What's baby, sirY-
do you know! Have you distinct, accu
rate, completely defined idea Of what bab,,
lisy OF course not. Nobody but mysel
has. have learned to know them by har,