Weekly standard. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1858-1865, 1859-08-31
ARTEMAS. WARDS FOURTH OF JULY
ORATTON. ~

AklEMAS, w ALL EOORlA OG'
GRAFTON. ,gr
"Artemas Ward" the quaint Western humorist,
publishes his Fotrth Of July Grafton in the Cleaye-
land Pla:ndeelcr, with the following preface:
"SuHs: send herewith q synopsis of the skedule
of nv orashun on the 4th Of july at v ethershcid
Pleas correkt the spellin punktooate it in proper
stiIc speak ours, & was ninety-six minlts pass.
in given point There was between two hundred
persons present, who with open mouths and closed
eyes listened to me with strlck attenshun.
The grafton itself is perfect jem and one OF the
best things that "Artelnas" has yet gotten Off
We subioin an extract or two. After the usual
apostrophe to the Goddess Of Liberty, he says:
IL haint time to notis the growth OF Ameriky
from the time when the Mayfour cum over in the
Pilgrim and brout Plymouth Rock with them, but
every skool boy nose our kareer has been tremens.
You will exkuse me if doant praise the erly settlers
Nv the Kolonies. People which hung idiotic old
wimin fur witches burnt holz in Quaker's lungs,
and consigned their Teller critters to the tredml and
pillcry on the stest provocashun ma have bin very
nice foaks in thare way, but l must confess don't
admire there stie, and will drop them all. Ispoze
they ment we'll, and so in the novel and techin Ian
gwagc of the nuscpapcrs, peas to their ashls. =
There was no diskount, however, on them brave
men who fit, bled & died in the American Revolu-
shun We needn't be afraid of setting them up too
Steep Like mi Show they will stand heep of
praZe.
see mulch to admire in New Englan. Your gals
in particular air abowt as snug bt peaces of Caker
as / ever saw. They air fIy equal to the corn-fed
gals of Ohio and nal y, and will make the bestcst
kind of wives 1t sets ny Buzzum OH fire to look
at 'cnl.
tBe still my SOLE be still,
and wv, my Hart, stop cu:n up!"
Which affectin lines is either from the pen of Gov.
Morrill, of Maine, or Doctor Watts, and disremem-
Der which like your skool houses, your meetin
houses, your enterprise, gnmpshun, &c, but your
favort Bevrge despise | allude to New Englan
Rum. 1t is wuss nor the kind of whisky of Injiany
which cats threw stun jugs will turn the STUN
mach Of the most shittlis Hog. seldum seek con-
solashun IN the flowing Bole, but tother day wur-
red down some of your Rum The fust glass in
doost me to swear like infooriated trooper. On
takin the seckund glass was seezed with desire
to brake winders, & arter imbibn the third glass
knockt small boy down, pickt his pocket of New
York Ledger and wildly commenced readn of Syl-
vanus Hobbs last Tail. very do bleeve that if Ide
histed in another glass | shood haS bin deSperit
enutf to attack the Mownt Vernon apcrs
Its drefIl stutf-a sort of lickwid htenin got up
under the personal supervishun of the devil-tears
mems inardS all to pcaccs. and makes their noses
blossum as the Lobster Shun it as you would a
wild hyeny with fire brand tied to his tale, 4
while you abowt it you will do filst rate thing
fur yourself and everybody abowt you by shunnin
all ki1Gs of ntoXicatn lckers. You don't need 'eln
no NOR at needs too tales saing nothing abowt
the trouble and suffering they cawsc. But unless
your nnards air kast iron avoid New Englan's favrt
Bevrg. My friends line dun. tear myself away
from you with tears in my ize & pleasant oder of
Onyuns abowt my clowsc. In the langwidge of
Mister Catherine to the Rumuns, 60 but PERHAPS
shall cum back asin. .idoo, peple of Wethersfeeld
Be virtoous and You'll lie happy"
The following is
ARTEMAS WARDS COrRTING EXPERIENCE.
Twas earn still mite in .Joon. when all natur
was husht nary Zeter disturbed the serene silense
sot with the ohiek of mi harris atfcckshuns on the
fence NV her daddy'S pastuH | had cxperiunsed a
hankering artur hur fer time, but darsunt pro-
claIne mi paShun: wall we Sot thar on the tense a
swingn of our feet & frow & blushng as red as
the Ballingvie skue house when it was first paint
cd, & ookin very cimpul, make no dowt My left
arm Was Okupidc in 5allunsng myself on the fence
while my rite arm wound affekshunately round Su-
tanners waste.
Sez | "Suzanncr thinks very much of yu."
Sez she, "how you do run on"
Scz !, ~ wish thare was winders tn mi sole soz
you Good see some of my fcclins," & l side deeply
Ipawscd here, but she made no reply to it | con-
tlnued on in the following strane:
AR, Good yer knew the slecplis mites parse on
yer account how vttles has seast to bc attractive tn
me 4 how mi limbs is shrunk up We woodn't dowt
me not by no means. Gaze this waStin form &
these sonken ize," cride jumping up. shuld hav
continued sum time longer proby, but unfortunate
ly lost my balance & fell over into the pastur kcr
smash tarng my close and severely damagin myself
generally. Suzanner sprung to my assistance u
dragged me 4th in bubble quick time. Then draw
ing herself up to her full hite sed:
Il won't listen to yur noncents eny longer. Jest
yu ga rite out what you are drivin at If you mean
Citing hitched I'm in"
SCENE IN NEWSPAPER OFFIcE-Foreman-
Please Mr.. Editor send Inc one or two paragraphs
to fill out Il column
EUitor-What shall they be? Let me see
foreman-A murder, riot, rape or anything hor-
rible, will do.
Eator-Herc, boy, bring ME Baltimore paper.
! The editor ships at landOm.)
| CEocKETr's LOG CABIN-On the Mobile and Ohio
Railroad not far from Jackson, in Tennessee, says
an exchange paper still stands the humble log cabin
eighteen by twenty feet in size, built and occupied
while he lived in the district by the farfamed David
Crockett Its logs are fast decaying and desolation
surrounds it, but traveller passes it without an
eager desire to look upon the humble roof that shell
tered one of the truest representatives Of the Amer
! lean pioneer character-a hero and an honest man.
Near it is a railroad station, called Crockett's sta
ton; around it, perhaps, will rise town to 5ea,
! and perpctuate name as familiar to his country
men as that of jackson.