The Van Buren press., 1859-07-20

PnAcTIcAL JoKISG.-"A few DAYS since, u
writes an attorney, "as / was sitting with
Broth D. in his Office. Court Square,
q client came in. and said
esquire D. W., the stabler.
shaved me dresdfully, yesterday. and 1 want
to come up with him.
Client-'I asked him how much be
would chage me for horse and wagon to 60
to Dedham. He said one dollar and half.
took the team. and when l came back, /
paid him dollar and half and he said be
wanted another dollars and half for com
ing back. and made me pay it."
% give him some legal advice,
which the client Immediately acted upon as
follows:
He went to the stabisr and said
How much will you charge me for a
horse and wagon to 60 to Salem.''
Stabler replied" Five dollars
Harness him up!
"Ciient went to Salem, came back by
raiaroad. and went to stabler, saying
Here Is your money" paying him five
dollars.
Where is my horse and wagon 90
He is at Salem" says client II only
hired him to 60 to Salcm.''
CoLLoeUr ABOUT GoLp.-" Bill, I'll tell
yer Just how much gold wish had, and
I'D be satisfied" WELL" said the indi-
vidual appealed to. Ego on I'll see if you
have got the liberal ideas of gentleman. %
Well. Bill, wish had SO much gold
that 'twould take seventy -four gun ship
loaded down with needles so deep, that II
you put in another needle she'd sink-and
all the needles to be worn out in making
bags to hold my pile" Darn it, why
don't you wish for suthin' when you under
take it i wish that l had so much as
yours wouldn't paw the interest on mine for
the time you could hold red lot n;nin' nee
die In your ear
Mamma" said promising youth of
some four or five years. "if all people are
made Of dust. amt niggers made OF coal
dust"
You can't even tell who made the
monkey. for all you pretend to know so
much, said an impertinent fop to clergy
man who had reproved him for his profsni-
ty. g." Yes / can," said the clergyman
Well who did make the monkey e'' "He
who made you!''
DoN'T YoU Do Ir.-When you are offered
. great bargain. the value OF which you
know nothing about, but which you are to
get at half price. being You don't you
do it. :.
When a young lady catches you alone.
lays violent hands on you, expressing
KISS in every glance-don't you do it |!
When horse kicks you. and you feel
strong disposition to kick the horse in re-
turn-.don't you do it.
Should you happen to catch yourself
whistling in printing Office, and the prin-
ters tell you to whistle louder-don't YOU do
il.
If on an odd occasion your wife should
e1claim to you. Now tumble over the
cradle and break your neck. do !'' don't
You do it.
When you have any business to transact
with modern fnancier. and he asks you to
SO and dine with him-don't you do it.
@ In former times patriots prided them
selves on their own poverty. and the riches
of the State. In modern times it wou,d
~ PotiIOt IICu enough 10
buy king than king not rich enough to
buy patriot.
"@ Mother" said a little bow, the
other day. "why are orphans the happiest
children on earth 90
They are not, my child. Why do you
ask that question 90
Because they have no mothers to spank
EN-"
r. When a woman" SAYS Mrs. Par
fington, " has once married with CONCEAL
ing heart, and one that beats responsible to
her own. she will never want to enter the
maritime st.te again"
~A gentleman having horse that
tan ewsy and broke his wife's neck. was
told by neighbor that he wished to pur-
chase 1t for his wife to ride upon. No."
ssid the wretch, '' 1 intend to marry ssain.
uy,cf"