Muscatine weekly journal. [volume] (Muscatine, Iowa) 185?-1890, 1859-07-15

nrA liberal deduction made ON larger adve,
tisements. .
ns-All transient advertisements must be paid
for in advance.
Funnygraphs.
~We always think of very mean man
that he was made by natures cobbler, and,
like an unfinished boot, thrown off without
being ''souled."
NE The reason gentlemen of the present
day stoop SO, is on account of their being
constantly bent on pleasure. Let US hope
they will never be Strengthened by circum
stances.
pI We once heard an Euglishman give
his ostler orders as follows:
''Enry take the arness hoff the orse, slip
the alter hover is cad, hand give i'm some
ay hand hoats."
EJamie," /" says one honest Irishman to
another, the first time he saw locomotive,
"What is that suortng bastes' "Sure," !"
replied Jamie, 81 don't know at all, unless
it is steamboat splurging along to get into
the wather."
H The Grant county (Mich.) Herald,
in speaking of recent accident by light
ming, says: "The family were sitting
around the table at the time, and were ter
rificslly shocked, belecing Themselves dead
for some time.'
GA colored cook expected company of
her ewn kind, and was at loss how to enter
tain her friends. Her mistress said, s'Chloe,
you must make an apology "La mis-
sus, how can make it got no eggs, no
butter, nor muffin to make it wild"
"Sarah," said young man, the 9th.
er day, to lady of that name, "why don't
you wear earrings Z"
because l haven't had my ears pierced"
s'I' will bore them for you, them"
81 thank you, sir; you have done that
enough" .f'-
NICE CALouIArloN.-It has been calcu-
lated that the hairs on dogs tail of the
average length of thirteen inches (tail not
hair) are made to traverse 25,43S miles by
the simple act of wagging, during an ordi-
nary happy life of nine years two months and
eleven days, which is the mean lifetime of
dog.
# Remembering that the initials of Mr..
Douglas are S. A. D., the reader will say
that the following, which we clip from the
Albany Statesmen. is not bad
Little Dug. wilrbe sadly affected,
What'er his political lot;
@ He'll remain S. A. D. if elected,
And be S. A. D. if he's not.
Jones was not tipsy the other night,
when it became his duty, at the proper
stage of the proceedings, to give the regular
toast to Woman, for he said so afterwards.
He proceeded
ooh Woman in our hours Of ease,
Uncertain, coy, and lar to please
But-but-Seen to oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace"
Johnny, that smart Philadelphia boy,
was walking down Chestnut street with his
father, and seeing strange sort of ma
chine at the door of store, inquired of his
father,
:'What is that for 20
ssI am sure cont know,
81 guess do" replied Johnny.
"Well, what do you think tbs for 2" ask
ed his father.
s'Why," said Master Johnny, 81 guess its
for sale" -.
W"Steve," said one ebony to another,
the other day, 'skin you tell me what makes
the thunder and lightning7"r
s'Who, me? Sartinly kin"
"Well, pe-ceed to Iighten."
"You see de collie air runs against the
atmosphere elementary spellin' book, and
split it wide open; dat makes de tighten,
an de noise periused makes de thun DER
You see now" ...
'sLookee heah, how long did you work at
de spellin' book binding business?'
"You go to choppin' out cotton, or 1'll
chop out yer wool J"
W-The style of the cross examin alton
OF a witness by the Hon. Edward Bates, Of
No., may be seen by the following extract
from the Shaw breach of promise case. A
tidy looking servant girl was on the stand
Q.>Did you ever see any body. sitting up
to Miss Ettie. counting her r
A. "I don't know .-- .-s .-....-
@. s'Did you ever see Mr.. Shaw courting
Miss Ef1ie 2" ........,
A. 81 can't tell" -e.r 49,"
@. oh yes, you can, pretty, sensible girl
like you, knoaos Dhat that means"
Mr.. Shreve.-I object to Mr.. Bates win
ming the affections of the witness.
The Court took q recess of half an hour.
wA correspondent Of Nick Max writes
as follows :'-"During the excitement in
Congress concerning the Lecompton Bill, ]
was teaching country school in Richmond
county. One morning as sat in the school
room ssetting copies and waiting for schol-
ars, young man about eighteen years of
age entered and walking up to the desk said,
in very abrupt manner, tive been thinkin'
of COMM to skule. What do you larn
here p a.- .ste i'-.- -. u.i
told him the principal studies pursued
and said felt myself able to teach few
higher branches. a ris
sWell,' said he pm goin' to q trade in
the spring, and l guess il know readin'
an writen,' an cyphurin,' can get along.'
No doubt you can get along while you
are learning your trade if you can read,
write and cypher well, but wouldn't you
like to study geography ? -
No, guess that's too hard for Inc, and
then 'taint of no use no how" ett
Don't you ever read the paperss'
Sometimes, when 60 to the store, but
we don't take none to home.'
Don't you often hear the names of places
and countries, and feel as though you would
like to know where they are situated =
Il don't know as l ever thought SO much
about it, = H+s tsH efa
.sDid You ever hear OF Kansas p
sWhat, bleedin' Kansas do you mean
Yes. I've heard of him.
sWel, if you had studied geography you
might have known where Kansas was sit
uated and what kind of q country II was.
what, you don't mean to tell that Kan
sas is country, do you i thought it was a
big feller they had in Washington, half mig
qer and half uhite man, that the democrats
and woody heads were fighting about ="
The BEST CAPITAL.-Honesty, vir'
tue, frankness and generosity-blesset
traits! Be these yours, my boys, ant