Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1859-04-02
Fact, Fancy and Fun.

Fact, Fancy and Fun.
| -Dobb says that man behind time
should feed on ketch-up.
Why was not Noah JewP Be-
cause he took Ham into the Ark.
What an iron net is habit, and
how securely it binds US in its folds.
-Egotists find the world ugly BE-
cause they only see themselves in it.
If genuine Yankee were to meet
Death on the Pale Horse, he would
banter him to swap horses.
Carlyle says: Experience is an
excellent schoolmaster, but he does
charge such high wages"
Mrs. Partington thinks the pillows
Of liberty are stuffed with the feathers
of the American Eagle.
-"What's the use," asked an idle
fellow, "of mans working himself to
death to get living?''
What is the difference between a.
seamstress and a groom? One mends
the tear, and the other tends tho mare.
Lucy Stone says "there is cotton in
the ears of men and hope in the bosom
of woman." Got that wrong end first,
Lucy!
"A man complained to his physician
that he stuffed him so much with drugs
that he was sick a long time after he
got we'll.
We have generally observed that
man bitten by dog, no matter wheth-
er the animal is mad OF not, is apt to
get mad himself
-"Pooh pooh - said wife to her
expiring husband, a. he strove to utter
a few parting words, "don't stop to
talk, but go on with your dying"
"A beautiful woman is like a great
truth or great happiness, and has no
more right to cover herself with green
veil or any other abomination, than the
sun has to put on green spectacles.
"A speculative writer undertook to.
show what was naturally mans first en-
ployment. We believe that the first
business of most human beings, after
coming into the world, is-milking.
1t has been said by somebody,
that change is written upon every mum
dane thing. Such may be the case, bu.
there are many things-pockets, for
instance--in which there IS no ''change."
AN Irishman, who was very near
sighted and about to fight duel, in
sisted that he should stand six feet
nearer his antagonist than he did to him,
and that both should fire at the same
time.
"A sailor being asked how he liked
his bride, is reported to have remarked.
"Why dye see, took her to be only
half Of me, az the parson says, but dash
me, if she isn't twice as much az L.
I'm only tar-she's a tartar
"A man cannot wait for his dinner
without instantly losing his temper, bu.
see with what angelic sweetness a
woman bears the trial! Has woman
more patience than man? Not bit Of
it-only she has lunched and the man
has not!
81 don't see as sanything is the mat.
ter of this plum pudding" said fell
low at a thanksgiving dinner. "Well,
who said there was?" growled ont his
neighbor. "Why," said the first, II
concluded there was, you all seem to
be running it down!''
-seTake those stones out of my way"
roared DR.. Albernethy to an Irish pa.
vier in front of his door. "And where
shall take them, sir?" s'Take them
to hell !'-said the enraged DOCTOR
"And sure, wouldn't the other place be
more out of your honor's way?"
"A butcher presented bill for the.
tenth time to rich skinfint. .ssIt
strikes me- said the latter, " that this
is pretty round bill" "Yes," ,"replied
the butcher, "I've sent it round often
enough to make it appear so; and l
have sailed now to get it squared"
-"Did l not give you fogging tho
other day ?" said a. schoolmaster to q
trembling urchin. eyes, sir" answer
ed the boy. "Well," what does the
Scriptures say upon the subject % ''I
don't know, sir" said the other, "except,
it is in that passage which says, it is
more blessed to give than to receive"
Mrs. Partington inquired; a. few,
days ago, if we thought the apples Of
the eye would maks good sssass ?'-.
We thought not, but recommendedi
the apple of discord for pies. She
bowed gratefully and asked us to try
some Of her lam made from the currents