The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1859-12-17
GOING OUT WEST.

queries about going West.
! The first question comes from Cambridge
port. Mass, and reads as follows:
! (which Is the best time for going out
West, the spring or autumn:'
! The best time for going out West, is when
You have got the most money about you.
and the least fear Of lusirg it. If YOU come
III the spring, YOU are sure to shake yourself
to death with the ague before fall. If YOU
come III the fall you may live till spring, if
! YOU don't freeze to death before YOU get
i there. If vou come at all. you had bctteS
ge. Your stomach lined with water proof
/ cement, so as to digest cornbread, bacon anG
| whskev; for that is all we have to eat.
except Il few French hogs, and bilious
looking tad poles, which We catch when the
river runs down.
>. "What part Of the West is the best to
cm CRATE 10, taking IN consideration the
heathiness Of the cIimate:''
| A variety of opinions about that, my dear
fellow. Cur Senator, Mr.. Douglas, says
| that Nebraska is best. SO it is. if you want
to 90 into the stock business, raising an un-
rulv kind Of mixed colored oattie, that will
stray IF to Cannda in spite Of the Compro-
mise Of 1850 or 1856, or Of Senator Doug las.
/
scalps, and get your own scalp taken off
scientifically, 90 to Nebraska by all means.
If YOU can play poker for a living, live on
corn bread and bacon week DAYS, and slip
perry elm bark on Sundays. come to Illinois.
! If YOU want to go where they have no Sun
+ uays, nor ANYTHING to eat, only that they
! brought frem the East, 90 to Iowa; or if
you want TO 70 to grass on all fours. or do
h, "A g Ia, i lt | lal-a
| If YOU want to 20 where they receive the
mails annually, where they live on wild
cramberries crumbled in water from the
Mississippi river, where three wiswams
makes city, aud a paper Of pins and Il bar
of Yankee soap merchant, 60 to M!nne-
sofa.
! Sd. "Does the fever and ague prevail
much in Wisconsin.
OF course it does. Nobody out West is
+ fool enough to ask such question. Every
body shakes; ven the trees shake: you can t
coax crab apple to stay on when it is 20
for anything; it will shake u man o2t Of bed
and KICK hun out Of doors.
4th. "llow dues u preemption hold
good -
That depends on circumstances. If you
have Il good rle, and know how to use it,,
vuu have a chance in zen to live til YOU
staryr to death. But if YOU can't stand fire,
and are not Il good shot and quick one take
nv word for it, you had better tarry in
Jericho until your beard be grown; they are
all t. shy for you in these woods.
5th. lis lnnd t. be had in the North part
of Ohio for S!,225 per acre, and is it guOd:'
That's all fudge, got up 10y SPECTATORS to
gull some grecnhorn ike you 2C me, for, to
the best of my knowledge and belief, Ono
was worn out ten years ago. The whole
business of the railroads n warm weather Is
to carry back folks who have ben Vest
| Ali the railroads have been doing this winter
is carrying dirt out Of Ohio into Michigan
/ to raise few beans and oats to keep the
! folks from starving to death next summer.
As to the lands in the Northwest of Ohio,
it is Is inches under water most Of the year,
and will probably be worth ST. per acre,
when water snakes and copper heads bring
as much per barrel in the New York market
as potatoes are worth per bushcl in Alton.
4 d lastly, he wants reliable information
"a short article in your ruper on the sub
! i"ct-and he wants to get healthy location,
decent land and fair water.
Exacty! Why, my dear sir, there is no
such thing as reliable information out
! West. unless you z i've him five hundred
/ dollars, aud then you can't believe half he
says.
A witness won't tell the truth in court
unless you first scare him to death and make
him ,wrur he won't lie, and then neither
himself nor nobody else knows whether he
! tells the truth or not.
AS for fair water. we have none !; it is ali Il
bilious compound of liquid mud, dead buff
faloes, fish and rotten rattle-snakes.
Our common drink, when We can't get
whiskev, is one third coffee, and one-thrd
prairie mud, and the other third tobacco
juice.
Upon the whole, if you have good water,
and can get enough to eat, stay where you
are Western Paper:
ELOQUENT TRIBUTE TO THE LABORER
AT the great Republican meeting in New
ark on the 9th, William L. Dayton deliv-
cred a most eloquent speech, in which we
find the following passage:
sit is gratifying that IN this country we
have yeomanry, who are our pride and
support In the south labor is performed
by slaves. and they boas, that they own THEN
labor, while the north hire theirs. Every
country Justly governed protects labor, moi
to level the masses, but TO elevate ant
encourage them. In China, the Emperor
goes into the field once a year in Rome
the victor who returned crowned with lau.
rels went into the field. In ancient mythol
ogy, the stately Juno was given to Jupiter
to fiery Mars, the goddess of Bellona : tt
Bacchus, crowds of bacchanalan women
but to Vulcan-the hard fsted god of lsbo
they gave Venus, the goddess Of love AM
beauty"
@ The Boston Advertiser suggests tha
the COW at Charlestown, Va, was killed b,
the sentry because she had two povde
horns on her head, and because she had beel