The Shasta courier., 1859-09-24
Too Fast VS.. Too Slow.
ACT l.-SCENE /.

hkhtiiuS ddrh lueTe Is q screen as II nun
dred devils screamed at once, and then roar,
and the rattle of wheels, and train of cars rush
by like comet endowed with life. Everything
is on the high-pressure system. Iverily believe
that the earth is locomotive, with volcanoes
for smoke pipe, and the celestials have built a
railroad to eternal smash and we are all
aboard the train, with crazy devil for engineer,
and the brakesmen all drunk or asleepl How
can respectable old gentleman live on this
planet2 Everything is in whirl Business
men, politicians, lawyers. everybody but clergy
men seem in a train fever, and even few of
the cergymen are forever talking of progress
progress until life has become great scramble
to get ahead. What shall do? wish that
could get into of these planets that only turn
around once in seven years. Wouldn't that be
nice place for a conservative old gentlemen
One year of calm twilight to two years and a
half of night Think of the long evening, last
ing six months-then year and half to sleep,
six months from daylight to sunrise: month to
eat breakfast in. Then a year and halfto sun
down again, and six months siesta on a sofa at
noon, and so on to the end. All that would be
a little of the sort for me. But if one dies here
he cannot rest. The spritualists will have him
knocking about in no time. He must tip the ta-
bles, make speeches;for Judge Edmonds, and turn
Professor Hares spiritcatcher. What on earth
shall do?
There ding dong goes the door bell, as if a
house was on fire. Some man of progress, I'll
be bound with another new idea in his head
Bridget! Bridget where earth is the
Irish huszy2"
Bridget, from the top of the stairs. =" Here,
what do you want p
Go to the door, the bell rings"
I" Yes in a minute. But I've got me hoops on,
and can't get down stairs, the way is so narrow
Wait until get chair, to climb out of my
new Dress
4" Wait, you huzzyl There goes the bell
again. | must go to the door myself, or the
bell-wire will be broken"
Mr.. Fogy goes to the door, where a young
man of eighteen, with patent leather boots, with
patent hat on his patent head, turned out by
Fowler & Wells, practical phrenologists, stands
at the door, looking like live fashion plate
from Genio Scott's.)
All, my boy, what do you want ~
Boy, am not boy, sir ttwiring his pat
ent goatee) am a general agent for the society
for improving the race, and have come to lay
our plans before you and get yolr patronage"
"Ah yes, with a groan) walk in, sir, walk
in"
"Well, sir, have just ten minutes and three
quarters to spare before the lightning train
leaves for the city of 'Go-it- while-youre-
young and | can develop the grandest scheme
for regenerating men, that has ever been discov-
ered in that time"
Regenerating men Why, sir, have been
preaching the Gospel regeneration this forty
years. The only way know of is for men to
repent and live pure lives"
"Oh, that's all out of date Why, now -a-days
a man can become Christian in thirty seconds
by the watch. 1t don't change his life at all
He can cheat and gamble in politics and lotte-
res, buy and sell negroes, and lie himself into
office just as well. The parson does up the piety
nowadays, and all that fashionable sinner
has to do, is to sign the paper, (creeds believe
they call them) pay his quarterage, and he can
get free-pass on the first class trains to heaven
where he can pre-empt' the best site for heaven
y mansions and realize for his lots in three
days That old idea of Pilgrims Progress is all
down in the market. and won't pay 10 cents on a
dollar. But want to show you my plan"
(Alr. Fogy stares-too much struck up to
;peak) ----
"You see sir, man is but combination of
electricity and the Odyic force, clothed in flesh
md blood. If, therefore, you can concentrate
md combine these elements in proper proper
ions, you can make men as fast as you please |
BY recent wonderful invention, by Professor |
A -gass he-is, we have got machine for super
eding, entirely, the necessity of being born. |
VIII bring In my machine, and show you how it |
works. Here. you see, is generation of cleo
ricity, and on this side it is impregnated with |
magnetism and runs off into this vat, pure Odyle |
Vow, we fill this vat with due quantities of the |
lind OF food which man needs to produce the |
light proportion of bone, muscle, aud nerve. run
off after it has become fused into these moulds
or men, women and children, of all sizes from
TX months old to forty years leave it to harden
few minutes and then insert this pipe into the
mouth of the subject, turn on stream of cleo
rlclty, and the body begins TO move-sneezes
md finally shouts, halloo let me out ! and your
nan is made to suit your taste. can make you
son and heir, who shall be just twenty wears
Id, in fifteen minutes. Or, if you prefer two
ear old bady*, it will only take twelve minutes
. Sould you like baby? Our charge is reason
'ole, sir, and ten per cent. discount to clergy
men, Will you order a son or daughter?
mo answer Mr.. Fogy is on the point of
You see the adaptation of this machine is
wonderful. One of them will turn out one hun
lred full-grown men in day. 1t was by this
process we manufactured the voters to carry the
'ennsylvania election for Buchanan last fall
We had several of our machines in full blast
hight and day between the State and Presiden-
lal election in that State. Mr., Buchanan paid
or the sour-krout and cotton to feed our ma
,hlne. Our company would not take Mariposa
scrip, and so Fremont did not employ US and lost
he election. Atchison and Stringfellow had
wo OF our machines at work turning out Border
auihan voters in Kansas for months But we
we're compelled to teed the machine with so
much whisky, in order to supply the Border
Rutfians with the necessary spirit, that the iob
did not pay We don't like such Jobs We pre-
Ter hne work. We have now in contemplation
a contract with the leading denominations to
supply them with clergymen. The Theological
oemnaries TAIL to meet the demand, as YOU see
oy the newspapers. There is great clerical
mourning in the land, and we alone can comfort
these mourners. You see our scheme is mag
nlhcent. You can make a Calvinist or Armi
man, an Orthodox or Heterodox man. as Won
IKE, oy varying the component, mental and mo- |
raj material. To make Calvinist we dissolve
Calvins Institutes and DR.. G's Commentaries in |
our machine. If he be Baptist, we put in a |
volume or two of Andrew Fuller's works
Methodist requires a volume of Wesley's ser.
mons and Fletcher's checks In this way. Won
see, we can vary the article to suit the market.
FOR nice young city preacher like Spurpeon. |
we put ID a few novels, little rosewater, de-
coction OF moonlight and balm of thousand
nowers' We can make five hundred or a ;ve
thousand dollar article to order. We etried once
10 make Henry Ward Beecher, but it took So
much electricity to dissolve Bible and Sharnes
rihe that the machine blew up. and we gave II
up. NOW, sir, what do you think of our plan ~
out Mr. Fogy- epeu