The penny press. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1859-1860, 1859-08-31
HUMOROUS.

NV~"I never give aims to strangers"
said Hunk, to poorlrishwomam. "Surc,
then, your honor will never relieve an
angel" was her quick reply.
Hs% A lady, with sigh, exclaimc l.
'Well, | have lost my lawsuit "0h,
how glad am, said her child,
that you have lost it-for it tormented
you awfnlly"
DG8" Johnny" said y doting mother to
her somewhat Unsuitable son, "can you
eat that pudding with impunityY' II
don't know, ma" quoth young hopeful,
"but | 'sposo | can with spoon
GesS~A few years ago the ladies wore
kind of hood called "kiss-me.ifyoudare."
The present style Of bonnet might be
called, with equal propricty, "kiss-mc-if-
BgG5aA definition of "bearing false wit,
ness against your neighbor' was given by
q little girl in school. She said it was
when nobody did nothing, and somebody
went and told it.
RJ'"You would be very pretty, indeed"
said gentleman, patronizingly, to o
young lady, "ifyour eyes were only a little
larger" "My eyes may be very small,
sir, but such people as you don'tii them.
WHY DID JACOB CRY.-Jacob kissed
Rachel and lifted up his voice and wept.
Scripture.
If Rachel was only pretty girl, and
kept her face clean, we can't see that
Jacob had much to cry about-N. Y.
Globe.
@gp"Im afraid" said lady to her
husband, ''that | am going to have a stiff
neck" "Not at all improbable, my dear"
rcplied the husband, Il have seen strong
symptoms oft ever since we were mar
ried."
SHOCKED" She isn't all my fancy
painted her!" bitterly exclaimed arejccted
lover; "and worse than that, she isn't all
she paints herself"
TnAT's So.-The busybody labors with
out thanks, talks without credit lives
without love, dies without pity-savo that
some say, ut was u pity he died no
sooner.
Fix TIRE DArE--At u concert in Wis
consin, at the conclusion of the song
"There's good time coming" country
farmer got up and exclaimed sinister,
couldn't you fix the date? that is what we
want-just give us the date, Mister" "
RssF""Have you any shew-es?' qucriel
a lass at certain store. eyes" replied
the shopkeeper but we have none but
what are too large for YOU 81 don't keer
a single mite nor grain" said the damsel,
"if they're as big as cradles, if they be
only shelves"
RB"A country editor announces, in the
following terms, that he has suspended
specie payment "lf any man wants to
see stars, and appreciate one Of the uses
to which brickbats may be perverted, let
him approach onr vicinity with IN
account.
"P, S-We keep a pile of bricks in our
sanctum, and carry one in our hat
Ey"A dandy, who wore a great pmra-
sion of diamond rings, wrq oh6 day -four.
ishing his flngess l,of0re sentleman, with
the idea Of impressing him WELL" said
the gentleman, "rd rather have your
hands than your head. ! know which
could be turned To shs best account"
Ny dear, come in and 90 to bed"
said The wife of q jolly son of Erin, who
had just returned from the fair in decid
edly chow come you so state. "You must
be tired, sure, with the long walk of six
miles. Arab! get away with your non.
sense," said Pat, lit was NOS thu length
of the way that troubled tie, at twas
the breadth Of III"
bs~"Pa," observed young urchin of
tender years, to his "fond pavient," 'docs
the Lord know everything?' "Yes nv
son, replied the hopeful sire; "but why
do yoa ask that question: "l}ccause our.
preacher when he prays is 50 long telling
him everything, 1 thought he WASH {
posted. A sad commentary upon the
doctrine oil omnlscIence OF Deity, say we.
nGS"A teacher in Sunday-sclool was
!ecturing to a class Of little girls on the
influence Of pious Instructions in the
formation Of youthful character. "Ah,
Miss Caroline" said he to one of the class,
"what do you think you would have
been without your good father and pious
mother" II suppose, sir" answered Miss
Caroline, Il should have been an orphan" +"
Mother" said little girl in the
vicinity Of Clarion the other day, as she
saw the clergyman passing to Conference,
"don tall these ministers come from OhioY'
Why do you ask?" said the mother.
Because" replied the chill, 'vou know
all the great fat cattle cone from that
State, and, as these preachers are SO
healthy and fne looking, | thought they
came from the same locality'' The
mother bade the child 60 to school
MIGHTvs RICHr.-When William Penn
went to take leave Of the king, he smoke OF
buying the lands from the Indians.
buy the lands!" said the king in aston,
ishment "why man, | sold them to YOU
but they were not thine to sell, friend
Charles" said Penn.
mo! why, man, they were as much
mine by conquest as those claimed by anv
other potentate," said the king. :
(which is no claim at all friend
Charles" replied Penn,