The national era. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1847-1860, 1859-05-05

Benedict"
January 2d.-Fun and froEc, no pen to pa
per, nor line read. How can /? For is it not
Carnival, and was there ever so Joyous a
masquer as II"
January 4th.--I am become very colt in
thoughts, but l do not suffer my face to bear
witness to the wild joyance Of my inner life.
That is far too sacred to be paraded. Mr.
rs long.expected course of lectures are at
last announced, and Joscian Estnere is to at
tend them with me. Oh, author, thou hast given
delight to many, but where is one that will
thank thee as do? Moreover-joys come not
singly-l am chosen to inaugurate her album
with my dehcatest verses, which, she compl
meuts me by saying, she has read, and likes.
am glad to see how well our tastes agree, icon
summate impudence, that y but how knew she
that wrote? l never told her ofmy having pub
hshed anything. So, so, so. All, how soft and
warm is her little hand, as it rests in mine al
kparting And her cheeks were made for kiss
Yg- how long shall / have to deny myself
| GAG deSF1ith Afsstophanes and ~ ppeTd
/ jer'nfen ha6en What have the 'Old Comedy
or German paradigms to do with my lifes pres
ent glow Oh for Joves golden shower, that
might lavish it upon my lovet Why not? An
toinette wore golden powder in her hair, and
here is queenler than Antoinette"
January 7h.-Ach Colt If it continues
much longer, | shall begin to think poetry, anC
to speak d Fimprocisdteur. The snow has fallen
heavily, the roads and lanes are crisp and white
and the keen air, the clear blue heaven, and
the lusty Boreas, fill one full of Joy and gadness
Other fund of joy l have inexhaustible, peren
NAL
For she is mine Her soul goes forth tc
meet mine, and they commune together under
otoudipulv This I Enouy L..
spoken no word of it. Else why so exults my
soul, as did Jacobs of old, when, going down
to Egypt, he fell upon his sons neck, and kissed
him? She is mine, she is mine, and who knows
her worth so well as / do? Oh, dear Heaven
how have deserved all your so many smiles
This afternoon, had Joscian go sleighing
| with me. Wrapped III multiple robes, she mes
tied into her seat in the dainty cutter by my
side, her hand upon my arm-so close to mt
| that l could feel her heart Jump when the
horses started with bound, and dashed alone
| the gIittering road. Oh, how glorious it was
My soul was more musical than the bells, my
heart throbbed, and my thoughts fled faster thar
| the rapid-moving horses. She seemed mine
| so close to me was she, so merry, so laughing
so trustful. That confidence touched me more
nearly than all else, for / knew that we only
trust those whom we love. As we drove on, the
horses became frightened at something in the
road, and began to prance and curvet; then hel
arm crept in upon mine, and closely claspeC
it; so, | thought, Juliet at the window woulC
have detained her Romeo, claSping him abou
the neck.
"'Do not be alarmed, said l, there is ne
danger
"' am not afraid nOso,' she murmured, will
unconscious emphasis
"When the horses we're finally uuieted,
silently took one Of those little hands in mine
under the robe, without looking at her, anC
there it rested content, like a dove in her nest
We said nothing-it was not the place, nor wa
there any need to speak then. Each Of us, per
haps, breathed heavier then, in our silence
After a while, turned the horses, and drov
homeward, happy beyond utterance. AS
helped her from the sleigh, and held her hanC
in mine moment in the doorway, we lookeC
into each others eyes, and she did not nov
/ shrink from my, gaze, but answered the ques
| ton: es,' said her eyes. Yes, oh my soul
Then l kissed the hand in mine, felt it GENT
return the pressure of mine, and, bowling, wen
of-happy, happy, happy
| Tomorrow !"
Ny dear friend, there are tearstains upol
what have just copied for you, the last pag
of my journal. TIE last page, and the last en-
try in it, save, under date Of February Goth,
single line: The fault was mine-mine b
the punishment /" Ay, the fault icas mine, an,
the punishment has been mine, heavily, heavil
mine death had not fallen near so insufferabl
heavy, think.
That tomorrow, with its so blisSful promises
never came-or, rather it came, but its prom
Uses were
g Lake Dead sea fruits that tempt the eye,
| Blu, turn 10 ashes on the lips"
That morrow was the day appointed for tn
opening lecture of Mr.. rs course | had en-
gagged to call for Joscian at an early hour, for
large audience was expected. Going into on
of the hotels that day, about noon, in search G
a friend, | was seized upon by dozen of IN
old college acquaintances, who, being on thei
way to resume the duties of the session, wer
of course ripe for frolic. They would take n
excuse, they were strangers in the city, coul
not find any place, and must go with them
| was under obligations to many of them 70
kindnesses shown, and it would seem rattle
cavalier treatment to give them the go-by: SC
mentally resolving TO be careful, | reluctant
| joined the party. Billiards and Bourbon whisk
were plentitully INDUCED in until dinner time
and then | had to dine with them, and max
pretence of drinking my share Of the bad cham
payne ordered.
After dinner, they were all more or less in
toxicated, and insisted on having me with then
still, promising to release me in time to keel
my engagement. Blind fool The miserab
affair came to an end. One Of the party, drunk
became quarrelsome, got into dispute with
rowdy, and general fTacas ensued did wha
| could to restore quiet and protect my friends
but hot blood and hotter whisky brought abou
the usual catastrophe. Glasses and bottles
were thrown, weapons drawn and used and ;
ball reached me, penetrated my hip, and fel
on the floor, fainting and bleeding, with
wound that every one thought mortal
| SO it ended. | would have been far better
| satisfied, had that ball pronounced SIC Transi
for me, as it did for my hopes, but it was not tC
be and so ! sit here, the sepulchre of faires
| and brightest promises, selfinscribed ViEi.
When, nearly two months afterwards the
fever from my wound had left me, and | was
again myself though nearly mad with the agony
of shame, my first care was to address letter
of apology and explanation to Miss Estmere
There was no answer. You can guess my feel
ings, dear sir. The whole of the dsgraceful
affair had been reported in the newspapers, set
forth with prurient minuteness in all its glaring
enormity, and not one of those men had had the
courage or the manlness to explain my true rela-
tons with the occurrence. They night have failed
through thoughtlessness, or fright, or selfish
ness, why it was | know not, but they did fail
to set me right, and /, as the only one known
to our citizens, and the chief sufferer, had to
stand in the pillory of public opinion, as the
inciter of and ringleader in pot-house brawl
Personally could offer no explanations for
was raving in the delirium of wound-fever, and
my friends did not not venture to explain, lest
by Misrepresentation they should make the mat
ter worse. This learned now when conscious
ness came back, and, heartsick, l could well
understand why my passionate letter was not