Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1859-06-02

Some mischievous wags one night pull
down turner's sign, and put it over law
years door. In the morning it read: @All
sorts of turning and twisting done here.
@John," said father to his son one day
when he caught him shaving the "down"
off his upper lip, adon't throw your shaw
ing water where there are any barefooted
boys, they might get their feet pricked.
81 say, Bill, then you're getting two
dollars week now?"
swell, you might "a knowed that, by
seein' all the fellers come scrapin' round
me that would not notice me when I was
poor"
An editor down east, who served on
Jury, SAYS that he is so full of law that il
is hard for him to keep from cheating
somebody.
Howard Paul. in Patchwork, speaks of
man whose ill-luck was so proverbial, that
if he had fallen on his back be would have
broken his nose.
Some one blamed DR.. Marsh for chang
ing his mind. @Well," said be, sthat
that is the difference between a man and .
jackass: the jackass can't change bis mind,
and the man can-it's human privilege"
An Irishman, who had laid sick long
time, was met one day by the parish priest,
when the following conversation took place:
''Well, Patrick, am glad you have recov-
ered-but were you not afraid to meet
your Gods" aOch, no, your riverence, it
was the other chap l was afraid up" re-
piled Pat.
Never be so rude as to say to man :
aThere's the door," but say, alleviate your
golgotto to the summit of your pericran-
ium, and allow me to present to your oc-
ular demonstration that scientific piece of
mechanism which constitutes the egre,s
portion of the establishment"
A lady being asked what she thought
of the doctrine of total depravity,' said
she thought it a very good doctrine, if peo-
pile s0ould only Hve up to 1t.
An Irishman dropped letter into the
post office the other day, with the follow
memorandum on the envelope, "Please
hasten the delay of this"
A Connecticut newspaper, in speaking
of the death of an editor, says:
"He was a high-winded gentleman a
pungent writer, and valued his principles
more than he did his wife,"
A sick man, slightly conyalescing, re-
Gently in conversation with pious friend
congratulating him upon his recovery, and
asking him who his physician was, replied,
"Dr. Jones brought me through" @No, no."
said his friend. "God brought you out of
your illness; not the doctor" "Well may
be he did, but am certain the doctor will
charge me for it."
A short man became attached to a tall
woman, and somebody said he had fallen
in love with her. "Do yen call it falling
in love?" said the suiter; it s more like
climbing up to it,"
"Wife," said tyrannical husband to-
his much abused consort, al wish You to
make me pair of false bosoms."
81 should think" replied she, "that one
bosom as false as yours is, would be suffi-
Gent"
Exit husband in brown study.
Brown says that of twenty-three men
whom he helped to cigar light, or loaned
newspaper, twenty said 'Thank you, sir"
Of nineteen women to whom he paid
courtesy-such as giving up his seat
picking up dropped veil, shawl or the
like, only seven said, 'Thank YOU" and
two Of them were foreigners.
May is considered an unfortunate mar
rying month. A young girl was asked 10
unite herself to a lover who named May In
his proposal. The lady limited that May
was unlucky. @Well, make it June them"
replied the swain. Casting down her eyes,
and with deep blush, she rejoined:
"Would not April do as wellp'' =
A country schoolmaster began the du-
ties of the day with prayer, as usual but
after prayer he went up and asked little
boy why he hadn't shut his eyes during
the prayer, when the boy sharply respond
ed: E
ave are instructed in the bible to watch
as well as pray"
So we are sonny; good theology that
"Pohl pohl" said wife to her expir-
ing husband, as he strove to utter few
parting words; ''don't step to talk, but 60
on with your dying"
Scarce-Unbustled ladies, pare and un-
defled Christians, common honesty, disin-
terested friends. sound potatoes, first rate
butter and rich printers.
"Wby, Siah, / am astenished," said q
very worthy deacon, "didn't we take you
into our church short time sincep
II believe So" hiccuped Sish, ssaud be-
tween you and me it was the darndest take
in ! ever got into"