The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-11-09

IOIios
The shortest way to a mans heart
is down bis throat
Look out for paint, +" as the gal
said when a feller went to kiss her.
Fainting-A clever way by which
old maids get into their beauxs arms.
= Some men must be worth money.
without it they are worth nothing.
Gold is the modern conductor of
love.
The king of Siam is said to have
named son George Washington.
Has baker right to be offended
if called loaf-er.
Why is a squirrel ike boot? Be-
cause it is generally freed before it is
finished.
= Be careful of S. eounterbfts ON
the Catasauqna Bank" in Lehigh
county, Pa.
Et is SO healthy in some localities
in the west that they have to shoot
man to start burial ground.
/ Why are the streets of Lambert
vile like plate of ginger-eakes. Be-
cause they are sweetened with uasses.
i Some one says Why call mar
rage tender tie, when it is so tough
that Death alone can cut it, He's
never been to Indiana. e
A nosegay is easily obtained.
-Four brandy toddies day for cou-
pie of months, will put You in the way
of one that will astonish your friends.
About the largest man we ever
heard of died lately up north. It took
two clergymen to preach his funeral
sermon. - bs2 s
They are great for turning things
to account up in Canada. If a man
has bald head, all his neighbors call 5
regularly to sharpen their razors on It.
waggish candidate coming, in 4
the course of his canvass to tailor's
shop said, What we look for here are
measures not men,"
i During the late severe weather
out west the cows were effected so, that
lit is said they have yielded nothingbut
ice-cream ever since.
/ The Latter Day Saints are wen
named, for they are the very last per-
Esons that anybody would take to be
Saints.
Eve would Judge the C. s. Minis
liter to China arrested for eayes-drop-
ping, as the Chinese authorities caught
him at peekin' (Pekin). 49,
i. = Some of the most economical pee-
Eple in the world live in southern Indi
ana. They gag their dogs with corn.
cobs to save the bark
+ : The most tender-hearted man we
ever heard of was shoemaker, who al
ways shut his eyes and whistled when
he run his awl into sole. s.
/ *"Well, may I be switched, said
an old topper fumbling first in one poe
ket and then the other for something
he had lost, "I guess I've locked the
door,-hic-and left the key on the
inside. "
81 wish I vas a steamboat, hang
me if I don't, said loafer.
"Vat fur,'' asked his partner.
"Vy, don't you see, I would be full
of vine and crackers, and have steam
on every day.
The English language generally
proves a tongue-tyer to all foreigners,
but more especially to the German por-
ton. Here is an illustration: d8
Boy" Good morning, Mr.. Snyder,
have you got any Cider?
Mr.. Snyder" 0 yaw, me got blen-
ty Of him, but he's all done any more,
ven gifts ZONE GIBBS you any,"
Creditors never annoy a man as
long as he is getting up in the world
A man Of wealth only pays his butcher
once year. Let bad luck overtake
him, and his meat bill viii come in
every morning as regular as breakfast
and hungry children Again we say,
never plead guilty to. poverty. So far
as this world is concerned, you might
better admit that you are a scoundrel.
= An Irishman having in his posses
sion aquantity of bogus tickets, at the
recent election in this place, was re-
quested by his fle-leader to burn them.
Pat gave him knowing look, and
said, " Catch me at that I guess IN
kape them for its going to be dwell
ISL quare election 7" So 4
We hardly know whether this win
be approved, but tits too good to be
lost: ose
During the progress of a colored reyi-
val in Tennessee, the excitement ran
high, and amid the general confusion
the stove lost its equilibrium and tum-
bled down among the deyout but noisy
colored worshippers. 1t being red
hot, as natural consequence it created
quite a commotion. Now, the pastor
who was blessed with more than the
usual quantity of faith fouad in man,
in stentorian voice called out to a.
lamb of his fold Rrndder Rolah