davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Punctuation Puzzle.

The following paragraph extracted from the
Portland Transcript, is capital illustration of
the Importance of Punctuation There are two
ways of pointing it, one OF which makes the
individual in question monster Of wickedness
while the other converts him into model Chris
tian. Let our readers exercise their ingenuity
on the problem and see whether they can dis
cover its two-fold solution
He is an old experienced man in vice and
wickedness he is never found opposing the works
of iniquitv he takes delight in the down falls
of the neighborhood he never rejoices in the
prosperity of any of his fellow creatures he is al
ways ready to assist in destroying the peace of
society he takes no pleasure in serving the Lord
he is uncommonly diligent in sowing discord
among his friends and acquaintance he takes no
pride in laboring to promote the cause Of Chris
tianity he has not been negligent in endeavor-
ing to stigmatise all public teachers he makes
exertions to subdue his evil passions he strives
hard to build up Satan's kingdom he lends no
aid to the support Of the gospel among the hea-
then he contributes largely to the evil adverse
ry he pays no attention to good advice he gives
great heed to the devil he will never go to Hea-
zen he must 60 where he will receive the just
recompense of Reaoard"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
II. j., TII URSDAY, SEPT. %, 1869.

most minute points as it is to~the more impor-
tant ones At l2II O'Clock, after being rubbed
sponged, and re-dressed dinner is ready it
consists of beef or mutton with water biscuit.
In place of water Cruel, beef tea (made from a
skin of beef without any mixture) is taken with
the dinner. It serves for either food or drink,
some never taking anything at all with it. An
other hours rest, and the afternoon is employed
with the dumbbells, (Which weigh from to IA
lbs fighting the bag (this, together with the
bells, consumes three hours every day,) and
gymnastic exercises.
Changed, rubbed and sponged again, when
the supper is ready For this two eggs are
allowed, with water biscuit and Cruel Ano-
ther resting SPELL and an hour or two's rowing
or four miles walk, and jumping the skipping
rope generally ends the days work. In some
days more work is performed thanin Others ac-
cording as the gentleman feels inclined but
the average walking is from 81 to "a miles a
day. The meals are served to the minute, and
a certain quantity only allowed at EACH
At precisely eight o'clock he retires for the
night, to rise at 4. His sleeping. apartments
are kept pure and healthy by the sea- breeze
continually passing through and the house it
self, and surrounding country for twenty miles,
seems adapted by nature for training purposes.
When Mr.. Kelly wentnto training, his weight
was about 16S lbs-it is now reduced to 145
His fighting weight will be about l48.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Frightening the Girls.

Away up in the northern part of Vermont,
says the Knackerbocker, is primitive sort oflit
tie village, called "The Centre Here not long
since, the rustic youth of the vicinity congrega-
ted for dance, +" and dance they did," said
our informant "with an JUNCTION unknown to
our city bellies and beaux."
One interesting young man having !" imbi-
bed rather too freely, became fatigued in the
course of the evening, and wisely concluded to
"retire for short rest.
A door ajar near the dance-hall revealed, in
vitingly, glimpse of comfortable bed, of which
he took possession with prospect of an undis-
turbed "snooze."
1t so happened, howbeit, that this was the la
dies withdrawing room, and no sooner had he
closed his eyes, than pair of blooming dam
sells came in from the hall, and began adjust
ing their disordered ringlets, and the dim
light of the tallow candle not disclosing the ten
ant of the bed. The girls had tongues, (like
most of their sex) which ran on in this wise
:" What nice dance we're having Have
you heard anybody say anything about me-
janet"
"La, yes, Sally! Jim Brown saws he never
see you look so handsome as you do tonight
Have you heard anybody say anything about
me 2" SIN
About you why, sartn heard Joe Flint
tell Sam Jones that you was the prettiest-dres
sed girl in the room"
Whereupon the dear things chucked, fixed
up a little more, and made off towards the
ballroom. They had hardly reached the door
when our half-conscous friend raised himself
upon his elbow, and quite inteligby, though
slowly inquired -
Ha' you heard onyborry say anything about
Me, girls?"
Phansy their pheelinks," at that juncture
They fled with an explosive scream
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
How to Train a Prize Fighter.

Australian Kelly is training for prize
fight, at Coney Island. A sporting paper shows
how the man is physically trained to make
brute of himself 1t is interesting as a sketch
of muscular development:
In the morning, Kelly rises exactly at four
O'Clock, proceeds to the .seashore (not SO yards
from the house) and takes a bath returns
home, and goes to bed for three quarters of an
hour Up again at five o'clock, washes out his
mouth with cold water, partakes of little water
with peppermint, instead of the usual sherry and
egg, walks three miles, rolls a metal ball three
miles, and runs three quarters Of mile-returns-
home at o'clock, gets rubbed dry, and is spon-
ged from head to foot withspring water-an en-
tire change of clothes is put on and he descends
to breakfast at 81, which is composed of either,
calves foot jelly, beefsteaks, or mutton chops
with water biscuit, instead of toast, as the lat
ter dries up the blood. Water cruel is substi-
tuted for tea, on account of its nervous tendency
and sugar as promoting bile-tea and sugar
also create thirst, while Cruel does not An
hours rest is then enjoyed after which he starts
on fourteen mile walk-seven out and seven
in
In walking, he carries the newly introduced
lead plugs, two pounds weight, grasping them
firmly, and keeping the arms well up. The OBJ
ject is to strengthen the muscles of the arm, and
to enable him to keep his arms in position with
out fatigue In a protracted fight it is gener-
ally from weakness or inability to use the arms
with any force, that the battle is lost. To avoi
these things, it is as necessary to attend to the
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Sabbath geaaing.
The Empire of God.

Prof. Mitchell, in closing his series Of lectures
on Astronomy, said
Now, my friends, must close this long course
of lectures. We have passed from pIannet to
PLANETS, from sun to sun, from system to sys-
TEN. We have found other island univer-
ses sweeping through space. The great unfn-
ished problem yetremains, Whence came this uni
verse? Have all those stars which glitter in
the Heavens been shining from all eternity
Has our globe been rolling around the sun for
ceaseless ages Whence, whence this magnif-
cent architecture, whose architrayes rise in spen
dor before US in every direction? Is it all the
work of change? | answer, no; it is not the
work of change. Who shall reveal to US the
true cosmography of the universe by which we
are surrounded? Is it the work of an Omnipo-
tent Architect? If so, who is this August
Being? Go with me tonight, in imagination,
and stand with old Paul, the great Apostle,
upon Mars Hill, and there look around you as
he did. Here rises that magnificent building,
the Pantheon, sacred to Minerva, the Goddess
of Wisdom There towers her colossal statue,
rising in its majesty above the city of which she
was the guardian, the first object to catch the
rays of the RISING, and the last to be kissed by
the rays of the setting sun. And yet tell you
these gods and these divinities, though created
under the inspiring fire of poetic fancy and
Greek imagination, never reared this stupen-
dous structure by which we are surrounded
The Olympic Jove never built the Heavens
The wisdom of Minerva never organized these
magnificent systems / say with ST. Paul:
"Oh, Athenians in all things find you too
superstitons; for, in passing along your streets,
find an altar Inscribed To the Unknown God,
Him whom ye ignorantly worship; and this is
the God declare unto you-the God that made
Heaven and earth, and dwells not in temples
made with hands.n
No, here is the temples of our divinity
Around US and above US rise Sun and System,
Cluster and Universe And doubt not that
in every region of this vast Empire of God,
hymns of praise and anthems of glory are rising
and reverberating from sun to sun, and from
system to system-heard by 0mnipotence alone,
across immensely and through eternity
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
for THE PREss.1
Liberty.
BY DIoNYsIUs.

Perhaps there is nothing so pleasing to our
feeling as the contemplation of liberty. What
volumes doth the word bespeak what thoughts
are connected with it, what emotions are excited
in the mind at the mention of the word with
what rapidity and vividness does the mind paint
to itself portion of the wonders it hath wrought
of daring exploits, of heroic acts of chivalry of
battle fields deciding the fates of empires, of
mighty revolutions shaknga nation to it's cen
tire, of most unexampled deeds of bravery, and
of the most ammendable instances of selfdenial.
What men of genius and mighty intellect who
otherwise would have been lost and unknown in
the vast and bottomless sea of forgetfulness hath
it brought forth to plead its cause either upon
the rostrum or through the medium of the press
All nature resounds with the joyful sound of
Liberty. The birds in the beautiful mornings of
spring. filling the air with the melody of their
SONGS making the forest second paradise, be-
speak it,
1t is the desire of all to be free either in body
or mind to enjoy civil well as religious Liberty
If it were not so what means all this immense
and overwhelming tide of emigration flowing in
upon us like river, bearing upon its bosom the
people of all nations driven from their own ma
tive soil by the ironrule, prostrating to the dust
all those within the reach of its power or by the
love of religious freedom, and the desire of fol-
lowing unmolested the dictates of conscience,
or by the desire of the mind after knowledge,
and what is far better the experience of those
laws under whose control the rights of all men
are respected, and under whose benign influence
the temple of Liberty is adorned and brought to
the zenith of its glory.
What means that little agent which for some
| time past has been gnawing at the very founoa-
ton of the deep seated thrones OF kings anu
| which, though they may stand liked ana uh-
movable as the solid rock, must sooner OF later
totter and fall and crumble into dust anu over
their ruins the Goddess Libertas WIN erect ner
peaceful aud Just senate halls, and all natlons VIII
| acknowledge her supremacy and glory TO become
one of her free and noble citizens
/ Hannv peaceful, and prosperous be her reign
| Her Conscience is not scared by deeds of cruelty
| uor heart is not become like adamant by ag
oressive wars and oppression of her subjects.
finder its benign influence the arts, sciences, and
commerce. are nourished and arrive at their best
state, public Improvement is facilitated, Know
ledge is offered and placed within the reach ofev-
ery one, Institutions of learning are support
ed and protected Plenty and abundance flow be-
meath her sceptre and above all, religion is free
the Bible is open to every one, and can be read
with none to modest or make afraid.
If such is liberty what happiness must be to
that people which possess such palladium, and
I it should be the desire of all that this blessing
may speedily be extended over the whole of the
civilized globe.
! But while we wish this for Others let us not
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Oripinal Gssags,
IFoR THE pREss.l
The Memory Of the Past.
It was the remembrance Of the past that caused
BY =.

1t was the remembrance of the past that caused
Charles TX. to expire in such great agony
The crimes of a lifetime, arose to his tortured
memory, and the most fragrant of which, was the
massacre of the Protestants, on st. Barthole-
news day. That day of blood again presented
itself to his view in all the horrors of distorted
imagination Again ne heard the shrieks of the
dying, high above the deep. toned bell, which
he caused to be hung, sounded fearfully in his
ear The blood of slaughtered thousands rushed
fercely to overwhelm him. and tiends laughed
in horrid glee at his distress. Thus he died ;
the victim of remorse, and pitied by few only
Incited to such crime by his parent; who died
herself victim to proAigate ambition, and re-
membrance Of the past.
Napoleon the Great expired on day in which
the elements without bore no comparison with
the strife within his shattered frame and the
words Of tetes de armee," which escaped his
lips, showed most conclusiyely and deeisively
that the past was being presented to his memo
ry.
The ragged boy as he silently moves his way
through the great cities, looking wistfully into
the shops by the great windows; he remembers
the days when happiness clustered around him,
when friends were not wanting he compares the
days past with the present; but how unlike are
they; could he but again realize the past he
would be happy in the possession of parents
love.
The past, the past, could it but be sunk into
oblivion, man would be comparatively happy.
It is the source of an evil The poor having en-
joyed days of riches by comparison find cause
for dsquietude.
Those given to vice are unwilling to remem-
Der. the past, for recollections throng quickly
upon them, which they would willingly forget.
tits the past that restraints for the future, and
guards by experience the present.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22


In 1877 the following proposals were issued
for publishing, in two volumes a History of
Snuff and Tobacco -
Vol. J. to contain description of the Nose
Size of Whether long noses are symp-
tomatic-Origin of Tobacco-Tobacco first man
ufactured into Snuff-Inquiry who took the first
Pinch-Essay on Sneezing- Whether the Anci-
ents sneezed, and at what-Origin of pocket
handkerchiefs-D Discrimination between snuffina
and taking snuff: the former applied only to
candles-Pariamentary snuff takers Troubles
in time of Charles the First as connected with
smoking.
"Vol. III Snuff-takers in the Parliamentary
Army-Wit at Pinch-Oval snuff boxes first
used by the Roundheads Manufacture of To-
bacco-pipes-D Dissertation on Pipe-clay- State
of Snuff during the Commonwealth Union
Scotch Snuff first introduced found very
pungent and OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES of George
the Second-Snuff- boxes then made of gold aud
silver-George the Third-scotch Stuff first
introduced at Court-the German
snufs in fashion-Female Snuff takers Clean
fuckers, etc Index and List of Subscribers. .
We should be glad to see these two volumes.
If they were ever published there wass matter
in them not to be sneezed at, but nightly
laughed at, beyond doubt.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Dodge.

When Deacon Y got into bad position
he was very expert in crawling out oft. Tho
quick-tempered, he was one of the best deacons
in the world. He would not in sober moment
utter an OATH or anything like one, for his weight
in cider
At the close of "a rainy day he was milking
upon knoll in his barn-yard, on one side of
which was dirty slough, and on the other side
an old ram that, in consideration of his usual
quiet disposition was allowed to run with the
cows.
The deacon was piously humming Old Hun
dred," and had just finished the line !" exal-
teth high" when the RAM obeying sudden i'm
pulse to be aggressive, gave him blow from be-
hind that put him up short distance to fall di-
rectly into the slough where the dirty wa
ter was deep enough to give him thorough i'm
mersing.
AS he crawled out, and before he rose from
his hands and knees he looked over his shoulder
at the ram and holly yociferated
Y GU ID old cuss /" but looking around
and seeing one Of his neighbors at the bars look
ing at him. he added in the same breath, if I
may be allowed the expression. p Carpet Bag.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Plain. Simple Definition of Faith.

& Having obtained the kings pardon for poor
man. cast for transportation | carried it to the
jail to him. Seeing the poor fettered creature
fall down. .npon his knees to return me thanks
caused me to burst into tears of heartfelt joy.
| thought this is just what thou, 0mgsprecious
Saviour hast done fore me- Thou hast OBJ
tanned free and full pardon of all my sins; set
my soul at liberty, and filed it with peace and
Joy, by the atonement of thy precious blood
The poor convict had not read his pardon he
had not seen the kings name to IT, lonly
made the report to him that had gotit, He
believed me Hence he was happy joyful and
thankful that he had received his pardon
Mason.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

I" Will you please to play Apollyon crossing
the Alps I" said Mrs Darlington, reaching out
of her chamber window, as an organ-man was
turning his crank with persistent arm beneath
4" Non entendez" said he, looking up, and smil-
ing at her. Can't you play it in less than ten
days?" replied she, in an elevated key. Non
entendez" said he again, still smiling at her, and
turning away at the crank q Tot in ten days, y
she mused i suppose he means it will take
more than ten days to learn it so as to play it
exceptionally" She gave Ike fve-cent piece
to carry down to him.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

greatly to the utter ruin of her husband, and
thus doomed to everlasting infamy and disgrace
all the fame he had acquired as a gallant soldier,
at the sacrifice of his blood At any rate
would like to know how Mr.. Irving would dis
pose of the evidence we have brought
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Marshall Nc Mahon, Duke of Magenta, on
arriving at his home in Monteresson, a few weeks
ago, was received with strong demonstrations
got up by the townspeople A triumphal arch
with flowers and evergreens was erected the
sub-perfect Of the reimbursement and all the au-
thorities were assembled to welcome him. and
the Marshall as he passed along, was hailed with
enthusiastic cheers
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
Volume 1, Number 46.

permit the flame of Liberty in our land to be-
come dlmmed, but rather cause it to shine bright
er and brighter until it shall illumine the Whele
world, and we with the poet in saying
"The huts of the owly gave Liberty birth,
Their hearts were her cradle glorious
And wherever her footprints lettered the earth,
Great spirits up sprang Victorious
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

What right have you, according to the laws
of retaliation, to pick an artists pocket? Be-
cause he has picked yours (pictures)
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22
B. b. Blackwell, Publisher
goet's 81 0 o /
iron THE PREss.]
To Cousin Anna.
BY M. A. B.

True friendship hath its shady bowers,
Wreathed DER with vines oflivng green,
Its walks are deck'd with sweetest flowers,
And through its centre stream
1t is the perfect stream of love,
How pleasantly its waters glide,
Pure as the gentle, harmless dove,
Roofs sweet and clear its flowing tide;
And on its banks the tree of truth,
In all its richest splendor grows,
Array'd in all the bloom of youth,
Blight'nor decay it never knows
Once you and could often meet
In this pleasant shady bower
And always with affection greet,
Each other in a leisure hour
Along the stream eflove we walk'd
And pluck'd the flowers sweet and fair,
AS we our youthful pleasures talkd,
With hearts then free from grief or care
The tree of truth there DER is spread,
Its pleasant cooling shades around,
And on it's branches DER our head,
The most delicious fruit we found
But now tits seldom we can meet,
And if perchance we sometimes do,
Our pleasure is not all as sweet
The friendship is as pure and true.
Now thorns pierce with the sweetest rose,
Our brows dark clouds of sorrow were,
While would ask where, where are those
Who once with us could pleasure share.
Our brothers who with looks so kind,
Once met with us our love share,
Are gone while we are left behind,
BELOVED to heaven bright crowns to wear
Our parents and grand parents too,
Who witnessed once our youthful mirth,
Have bid us now loving adieu,
And sleep beneath the clouds of earth.
Those calls to us our God has given,
To draw thoughts from here below,
And place them on our home in heaven,
Where after death we want to CO.
There friendship, love, and truth display,
Their power and grace on every hand,
In light that cannot laid stray,
Far in that mystic brother land.
The heavenly links our hearts shall bind,
In harmony and union sweet,
And mind shall wed its kindred mind
And all our JOY shall be complete.
,senaont, ". J.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Folks must put up with their own kin as
they do with their own noses-it's their own
flesh and blood
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Why is the French Emperor's baby like the
tail ola fish Because it is the last of the bony
parts (Bonapartes.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Instead of retaltating upon the man who
calls you villain, liar, or thief, coolly inform
him that you have not sufficient confidence in
his veracity to believe him.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

The difference between duck with one wing
and a duck with two, is only the difference Of Z
pinion.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

A bachelor, after discovering his clothes full
of holes, exclaimed -" Me'od-d-cant.' -
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

"a time for all things THE time to leaue
is when young lady asks you how the walking
is
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Why is fisherman on land like dog howl
ing at the ocean? Because his bark is by the
shore.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

"The tree is known by its fruit" The only
exception is the dogwood which is known by it's
bark.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Shake not the credit of Others in endeavoring
to establish your own.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

"My tail is ended :" as the tadpole said when
he turned into a frog
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

A very unpopular officer with some of the la
dles-General Homework.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

What is bachelor? A target for fair hands
to shoot at
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Why is lover like tailor? Because he
presses his suit
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Dr. Kane was prevented from going farther
north by the poJe-ace
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-09-22

Teeth are like verbs-regular and irregular.