The Buchanan County guardian. (Independence, Buchanan County, Iowa) 1858-1864, 1859-12-29
From the Cleveland Plaindealer.
Artemus Ward the Snowman, Becomes
the Happy Father of Twins.

From the Cleveland Plaindealer.
Artemus Ward the Snowman, Becomes
the Happy Father of Twins.
DEAR SuRs II take my pen in hand
to inform yu that Ime in state Of CRATE
bliss & trust these lines will find yu en-
joyin the same blessins. lime reguven-
atid. I've found the immortal waters OF
youth, SO to speek, d am as timber and
frisky as 2 yer old steer, & in the futur
them boys which seq "go up old bawld
he'd" to me, will do SO at the Peril OF
their hazard Individually. line pow
erful happy. Heaps ofjoy has descen-
did upon me to onct d feel like bran
new man. Sometimes arsk myself, g is
it not dream % d suthin within my
self seq |" it air" but when l look at
them sweet little critters l know it is a
reallerty-2 reallertys may sa-& feel
gay. There's considerbul human natur
in man, arter all.
returned from the Summer Campane
with my unparaleld show of wax works
and livin wild Beests of Pray in the ear
ly part of this month. The people of
Baldinsville met me cordully and l imme-
jitly commenst restin myself with my
famerly The other mite while l was
down to the tavurn tostin my shins agin
the bar room fire d amusin the krowd
with some Of my adventurs, who shood
cum bare heded & terrible excited but
Bill Stokes, who seq, sez he, cold
Ward, there's doins up to your house" !"
Sez /, William, how so %
Sez he, Bust my gizzard, but its
CRATE doins," & then he larfed as if heed
kill hisself.
Sez l. risin and putin on an austeer
look, "Willim woodnt be fool if I
had common cents"
But he kept on larfn till he was black
in the face, when he fell over on the
bunk WHARF the hostler sleeps. and in a
still small voise sed, "Twins % ashure
yu gents that the grass didn't grow un-
der my feet on my way home, d l was
follered by enthusiastic throng, of
feller citizuns who hurrard for Old Ward
at the top of their voises. l found the
house chock full of people. Thare was
Miss Square Baxter and her three grown
up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Tab
eraty Ripley, yung Eben Parsuns, Dea-
kun Simmons folks, the Schoolmaster,
Doctor Jordin, etsettery, etsettery. Misses
Ward was in the west room, which jines
the kitchin. Miss Square Baxter was
maxim suthin in dipper before the kitch-
in fire, d small army of female wimin
were rushin wildly round the house with
bottles of camfre, peaces Of flannil. DC.
l never seed such hubbub in my nat
raj born dase. could stay in the west
room only mint. so strung up was my
feelings, so rushed out and ceased my
dubbel barrild gun.
What on arth ales the man = seq Taber-
thy Ripley. Sakes alive. what air you
doin ? & she grabbed me by the cot tale.
'Wot's the matter with yu?' she contin-
nered.
'Twinz, mar m SEE I, 'twinz.'
/ know it, sez she, coverin her Ease
with her apun.
Wal, sex /, that's wot's the matter
with me-
Put down that air pesky old gun,
sed she'
No marm,' seq l, this is Nashunal
day. The glory of this here day ism t
confined to Baldwinsville, by darn Site
On yender woodshed,' ced 1, drawin
myself up tu my full hite. and speakin
in show actin voise. will l fire a ma
tunal saloot!' Sain wich l tared myself
from hir grasp and rusht tu the top Of the
shed, whar stood and blazed away until
Square Bakers hired man, and my sun
Artemus Juneyer Kun and tuck me down
by name forse. On returnin to the ktch-
in found hull lot of people settin b4
the fire talken the event over. They
maid rune fur me and sot down.
Quite a episode, sed doktur Jordn,
litin his pipe with red hot kole.
YEA sed l, 2 eppisodes. waing bout
ls pounds gintly.'
A perfec coop de tat, sed the scule-
master.
Erin go Unum Epluribus bragh. in
proprietor pursonis targus in pluro, sed l.
thinkin | wud let him no l understood
furrin langwiges welz he did.
"A momenchus event, ced young eben
parSuns, who had been quarters tu a
aCadimy.
i never hurd twinz kolld by that
name al. ced l, but spose its ol rite. ;
We shall soon hev Wards enuff,' sed
the editor Nv the Baldwinsville Bugle of
Liberty, who wuz lookin over a pile oy
exchanges in korner, tn apply to the
Legislature fur City Charter
How rediclous,' sed pretty Susan
Fletcher kuverin her fase with hur niten-
work & lain like one possest.
Wal, Nv my part sed Jane Maria
Peasley, who is the crosest old made in
the world, l think yu all act like pack
of FOOLS
Sez |. Miss Peasley are yu parent q
Sez she. No amt
Sez |. Mis- Peasly. yu never will be-
She left.
We sot there talkin l. larfin until the
switchin hour of mite when grave yard
yawng and Josts troop 4th,' as old Bill
Shasepire aptlee obsaves in his dramy OF
John Sheppard. Esq. or this Moral Hous
Braker. when we broke up & disbursed.
Muther q children is doin well & as