The prairie news. [volume] (Okolona, Miss.) 1851-1875, 1859-09-01
ARTEMAs WARDS 4TH or JULY ORA.
TIilN.

Artemas Ward, the quaint Westerr
humorist, publishes his Fourth Of July
Grafton in the Cleveland Plaindealer
with the following preface:
SuRs: send herewith synopsis O
the skedyule of my orashun ON the 4th O
July. at Wethersfeld, Please correct The
spellin and punetooate it in proper stle
spoke two hours, & was ninety six min
utes passin given pint. There was be
tween too hundred persons present. who
with open mouths ana closed eyes listen
ed to me with strict attenshun.
| Tbr Grafton itself is perfect gem, and
one of the best things that Artemas' has
yet gotten off. We subjon an extract
or two. After the usual apostropheto to the
! Goddess Of Liberty, he says:
IL haint time to notis the growth OF
Ameriky frum the time when the May
| flower cum over in the Pilgrim and browt
| Plymouth Rock with them, but every
skcol boy nose our kareer has been tre-
menjis You will excuse me if don't
praise the early settlers of the Kolonies.
People which hung idioiic old wimmin
for witches, burnt holes in Quaker
tongues, and csnsigned their fellcr-crit.
ters to the tredmill and pillory ON the
slightest proyashun may have been very
nice folks in their way, but | must con-
fess | don. like the stile and will drop
them all. | spose they meant well, and
50 in the novel and teachin langwidge of
the nusepapers, "peas to their ashis. =
Thare was no diskount, however, on them
brave men who fit, bled and died in the
American Revomshun. We needn't be
afraid Of setting them too steep. Like
my Show, they will stand heap of praze
see much to admire in New Englan
Your gals in particular abowt as snug
bilt pieces of Caliker as l ever saw
They are fully equal TO the corn fed gals
of Ohio and Injianny, and will make the
bestest kind of wives. 1t sets my Buz-
zum on fire 10 look at 'em
| Be still my sole, be still,
/ & you, Hart, stop cuttin' up
(which alfectin lines is either from the
pen of Governer Morrill,, of Maine, or Doc
tor Watts, and disremember which. ]
like your skool houses, your meetin hous-
es your enterprise, gumpshun g., but
your favorite Beeverige l despise. | al
lude to New Englan Rum, il is wuss nor
the kind of whisky of lnjianny, which
eats threw stun jugs and will turn the
stomach of the most shiftless Hog.
! seldom seek consolashun in the flow
ing Bole, but tother day world down
sum Of yoor Rum. The fust glass insu-
ced me to swear like a infooriated trooper
On takin the seckund glass was seezed
with desire to brake winders, and after
inbibin tile third glass knockt a small
boy down, pickt his pocket Of a New
York Ledger, and wildly commenced rea.
din of Sylvanus Kobbs last Tail Iver-
! iy do bleeve that if Ide histed in another
glass / shood hav bin desperit enough to
attack the Mount Vernon Papers.
Its dredful stuff-a sort of lickwid lit
enin got up under the personal supervi-
shun of the devi-tears mems inards all
to peaces, and makes their noses blossum
as the Lobster. Shun it as you wood a
wild hyenny with fire brand tied to his
tsle, and while you are ahowt it you will
do first rate thing fur yourself and eve
rybody abowt you by sbunnin all kinds
of intoxicatin lckers. You don't need
'em no morn cat. needs tales saying
nothing abowt The troubled and sufferin
they cause. But unless your inards cast
iron avoid New England's favorite Bev-
ridge.
Nv friends Inc dun. / tear myself
away from you with tears in my eyes
and pleasant odor of Onyuns abowt my
close. In the langwidge Of Mister Cat
terline to the Rummuns, ! go but per-
haps | shall cum back agin. Adoo, Pc
pie of Weihersfeld. Be virtoous and
you'll be happy.
or The New York correspondent Of
the Cleveland Leader says:
was told a few evenings since that
Mr.. A. L. Stewart, the merchant prince
Of New York, intends to build a large
Home for the Widows and INDECENT Wo-
men, and endow it most literally and
that If one million of dollars are not
e ough, he will use two millions. MIR.
Stewart says it is to the women he is in
debted for his fortune, and now in return
he will use it to benefit them, without re-
gard to sect or creed
u A woman is either worth great
deal or nothing. Ifgood for nothing. she
is not worth getting jealous for; ifshe be
true woman. she will give no cause for
jealousy. A man is brute to be jeal-
Gus Of good woman, fool to be jcal-
GUS Of worthless one, but Is double
fool to cut his throat for either Of them.
Very sensible all that. but quite unne-
cessary to those who can appreciate it,
while 1t is thrown away upon those who
need Il not.