Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1859-09-08
GArtemus ward,s- Last.

as famous as his brother Snowman, Bar
nun, has been in Fourth of July grafton
which he sends to the Cleveland Plain
dealer. the channel through which all his
productions reach the world for pullica-
ton. He introduces it with the following
laconic note to the editors:
SURs: / send herewith synopsis of the
skedyule Of my orashun on the 4th of July.
at Wethcrs6eld Please correct the spellin
& punktooate it in proper stile. | spoke
two hours, & was ninety six minute passin
a given pint. There was between two
and three hundred persons present, who
with open mouths and closed eyes lis
tened to me with strick attenshun.
The Grafton itself is perfect gem. and
one Of the best things that "Artemus" has
yet gotten of. We subioin an extract or
two. After the usual apostrophe to the
Goddess of Liberty. he says:
/ haint time to notice the growth of
Ameriky from the time when the Mayflow
ers cum over in the Pilgrim and browt
Plymouth Rock with them, but every
skool boy nose our kareer has been tre-
msnjis. You will excuse me if don't
praise the erly settlers Of the Kolonies-
Peple which hung idiotic old wimin for
witches. burnt holes in Quakcrs' tongues,
and consigned the fellers to the tredmill
and pillery on the slitest provocashun.
may have been very good folks in their way.
but must confess don't admire their stile
and viii drop them all. spose they
meant well. aud so in the novel and
rfechin lang ,widge of the newspapers.
"peas 10 their ashis' There was no dis
kount, however, on them brave men who
fit. bled and died in the American Revolu-
shun. We needn't be afraid Of settin
them up two steep. Like my Show, they
win stand a heap ofprase.
see much two admire In New England.
Your gals in particular air about as snng
bilt pieces of Calliker as ever saw. They
air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio
and lnjianny, and will make the best kind
Of wives. 1t sets my bussum on FIRE to
look at 'em.
BE still my sole. be still,
-.s.4if & you, Hart, stop cuttin upi
q witch affeektin lines is either from the pen
of Govnor Morrill,. of Maine. or Doctur
Watts, / disremember which. / like
your skool houses, your meetin houses.
your enterprise, gumpshun. &c, bnt your
favorit Beverage / deSpise. / allud to
New England Rum. 1t is WIS nor the
q kind of whisky of Injianny. which eats
threw stun Jugs d will turn the stummack
of the most shiftlis Hog. l seldum seek
consolashun In the howin Bole, but tother
day wurried down sum of your Rum
Tie fust glass induced me to sware like
an infuristed trooper. On takin the seek
ind glass / was seezed with desire to
brake winders, d. arter bibin the third
glass knoekt q small boy down and
pickt his poekit of the New York Ledger.
and wildly commenced readin of Sylvanus
Kobb's last Tail verify do bleeve that
ifide histed in another glass. Ishood hav
bin desperit enuf to attack the Mount Ver-
non Papers.
Its drefful siuff,-a sort of lickwid lite
min got up under the personal sppervishun
Of the deyil-tears mems ID all to
peaces. and makes their noses blossum
8 the Lobster. Shnn it as you wood
a. wild hyenny with a frebrand tied
to bis tale. Il while you are abowt il you
Will do first rate thing fur yourself and
everybody abowt you BY shnnnin all kinds
X intoxicaiin liekers. You don't need
,em no mor'ne cat needs tales sayin
nothin abowt the trubble and suffer-
in they caws. But unless your innards
air cast iron avoid New Englan's favorite
Beverage. NY friends ime dun. tear
myself away from you with tears in my
eyes. 4 pleasant odor or Onyuns abowt
my close. In the langwidge Of Mister
Catherine TO the Rumuns, go but per-
haps shall cum back again. AdOe, peple
of 'Wethersield Be virtoous & you'll be
happy -He