Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1859-05-05
For the Yorkvllle Enquirer
TOM HOBSoN.
NUMBER I.
HIS PHYSICAL DEPgcTIvENEss.

TOM HOBsoN.
NUMBERL n..
HIS PHYSICAL DEFgcTIvENEss.
In the year Of the world, no matter when, and
at what particular locality 'rhis deponent saith
not" lived Fom Hobson, the best edition of dolt
extant, and the latest style of clownish ungrace-
fulness At the age Of twenty, wo are accustom.
ed to look for physical maturity and mental pro-
gressioE. At that period It is expected that the
medium stature Of the homo species will be reach
ed: but unfortunately In this case, the fact was
too obvious, that If nature intended to produce
medium specimen Of the. male order, it was hu-
initiating and deplorable failure. And often would
the pleasing reflection console Tom, that he was
like the smal! gold noin among the dollars, occu-
pying less dnsreinzs in space, bat far SURPRISING
them in ,s!ss and yet as often would the unwel-
come, perplexing and impertueut suggestion arise,
that he too, might be likened unto the diuinu,ive
stiff-eared cur, snapping and barking unuotieed,
at the feet Of the proud, majestic mastif. Aud
always, both in daylight and dreams, this hateful
In vain did he stretch, and yawn, and cape, and
imagine that he felt himself rising from the earth.
In vain aud sorrowfully did be compare his
shadow with those Of his own age. Iu vain did
he try to feel bedizzsd as he looked down to the
terra frma from which he hoped he was rising
All such efforts were fruitless, for there seemed
to be tenaciousness between the crown Of Toms
head and the soles Of his feet, which defed the
lapse Of time and the force Of jack to part asun-
der. And Notwithstanding the frequent and hea-
Wy deposits Of divers unmentiousbles, placed
within the reach Of the digestive organs, with the
hope of increasing the distance between his spex
and pedestals, yet despite bis most strenuous eff
forts, there seemed to be an affinity, homogeni'
ty, between the nasal prorusOn and the great toes
Of his understanding, which bataed his skill to
disse1er. His stubborn extremes were Hike the
will Of fwoman-,ohen she ,oiR she toiU and sohen
she ,cont, she pon.. For after he had taxed his
mental faculty to the utmost, to find means Of
extending his physical form-after he had tried
the nostrumssf Yankeedom-after he had forced
into his stomach pabulum in quantity and quality
enough to satisfy large specimen Of the bovine
trbe-after he had swung himself to the joists,
and there hung in painful suspense with weights
attached to his feet, in order to draw out his cor
pososity, yet dogged obstinacy was maintained
to the last for after the lspse Of ore than score
Of summers, and every conceivable agency had
been employed, his stubborn and determined ex-
tremities had scarcely separated more than three
English cubits--a singular veri6cstion Of the
truth Of Holy Writ, "that man by taking thought
cannot add one eubit to his stature" Bot wide
as nature missed the mark in producing medi-
um specimen Of man, yet art in its decorations
failed more signally. 1t is true, the beholder
might debate in his mind as to whether the ex-
tremities Of Toms acoustic organs were tend.
ing to the a,inus tribe, or to the canine species
above mentioned. It is true, that the aperture in
| the face occupied oil the space nature intended
for it, and seemed somewhat disposed to invade
the province assigned to the outeresr; and at in.
tervals displayed an apparatus for masticatng,
and facility for coucealiug, which to Aes and
other insects, must have been destructive. But
when TOMS emotional was touched and his risi.
biiity stirred, there commenced series Of exhi-
bitious, which would rival the stage in the height
of its glory: /. There was the kissing, wheeling,
eroaking, gutteral, unearthly sound, which his
friends knew to be laugh. 2. There appeared
at intervals, Gin rank and 6le," an array Of dem
tai mechanism that was truly astonishing, and
the amazing velocity with which they moved up
and down, was at the first sight alarming. But
when he made the highest and lowest swoop-
when he sent the upper file to the highest point,
and brought down the lower rank, then, there Was
discovered in the back ground, o vortex which, to
the uuntiated, was terrible; and woe to the luck
less guat that happened in the immediate vicinity.
Alas for his friends who were near on such occa-
sions, for there poured out Of that vortex, COM
pound mixture, which went Unfortunately upon
friends and foes.
1t is true, that his olfactory prominence was
long and fat, and at the terminus whetted to q
point. and from appearances, might be used as a
Succes1ul weapon 10 cieucueu cohoat'
tits true, that the region where pabulum was
deposited, instead Of sending out its substance to
the crown and pedestals, seemed determined to
absorb and waste the extremities, and to make
itself the "chief end Of man." It is true, that
nature intended in this instance, to produce On ILL
shaped dwarf yet who shall lay anything to her
charge! She has variety and diversity in every
other department, and why not in msns ? But
the fact could not be disguised that Toms artistic
embellishments were even more defective and less
graceful than his natural structure-Which will
furnish subject for another chapter.
JUVANUM.
Report OF the General Superintendent.