The Shasta courier., 1859-10-22
"Artemas Wards" 4th of July Grafton.

Artemas Ward, the quaint Western humor-
ist, publishes his Forth of July Grafton in the
Cleveland Plaindealer, with the following pre-
face:
SURs Il send herewith a synopsis of the
skedyule of orashun on the 4th of July, at
Wethersfeld. Pleas correct the spellin and
punktooate it in proper style. spoke two
hours, & was ninety-six minutes passin a given
pint. There was between two hundred persons
present, who with open mouths and closed ewes
listened to me with strick attenshun. Aw.
The Grafton itself is perfect gem, and one of
the best things that "Artemas" has gotten off
We subjoin an extract or two. After the usual
apostrophe to the Goddess of Liberty, be SAYS:
haint time to notice the growth of Ameriky
frum the time when the Mayhower cum over in
the Pilgrim and browt Plymouth Rock with
them but every skool boy nose our kareer has
been tremenjis. You will excuse me if | don't
praise the erly settlers of the Kolones. People
which hung idiotic old wimin fur witches, burnt
holes in Quakers tongues, and consigned their
feller-critters TO the tredmll and pillery on the
slightest provocashun may have been very nice
folks in their way, but | must confess | don't
admire their stile and will drop them all
spose they ment well, and so in the novel and
techin langwidge Of the nusepapers, peas to
their ashis" Thare was no diskount, however
on them brave men who fit, bled and died in
the American Revolushun. We needn't be afraid
of setting them too steep. Like my Show, they
will stand heep of praze.
| see much to admire in New Englan. Your
gals in particular air about as snug bilt peaces
of Calliker as | ever saw. They air fully equal
to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny and
will make the bestest kind of wives 1t sets my
Buzzum on fire to look at 'em.
Be still my sole, be STILL
you, Hart, stop cuttin' up
Which atfectin lines is either from the pen OF
Govner Morrill,, of Maine, or Doctor Watts, and
disremember which. like your skool houses,
your meetln' houses, your enterprise, gumpshun,
&C., but your favorite Beyridge despise al
lude to New Englan Rum, it is wuss nor the
kind of whiskey of Injianny, which eats threw
stun jugs and will turn the stomach of the most
shiftess Hog.
seldom seek consolashun in the flowing
Bole, but tother day wurried down sum of your
Rum. The fust glass induced me to swear like
infooriated trooper. On takin' the seckund
glass was seezed with desire to brake WIN
ders, and after imbibn the third glass | knockt
small boy down, picked his pocket of a New
York Ledger, and wildly commenced readin' OF
Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. / verify do believe
that if Ide hsted in another glass, l shood have
been desperit enuf to attack the Mount Vernon
Papers.
Its drefful stuff-a sort of lickwid litenin' got
up under the personal superyishun of the devil
tears mems innards all to peaces and makes
their noses blossum as the Lobster. Shun it as
you wood wild hyenny with fire brand tied
to his tale, Il while you are abowt it, you will
do first rate thing fur yourself and everybody
abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin'
lickers You don't need EN- no morn II cat needs
tales, saying nothiu about the trouble and
sutferin they cawse. But unless your innards
are cast iorn, avoid New Englaud's flyorite
Bevrige.
My friends Tine dunn. l tear myself away
from you with tears in my eyes and a pleasant
odor of Onyuns abowt my close In the lang
widge of Mister Catherine to the Romuns, go,
but perhaps shall cum back agin. Adoo, peo-
pie of Wethersfeld. Be virtoous & you'll be
happy.