Muscatine weekly journal. [volume] (Muscatine, Iowa) 185?-1890, 1859-01-14
WIT AND HUM OR .


ArAu transient advertisements must be paiG
or in advance.
WIT AND HUMOK.
A piece of most excellent eft-hand advice
-mur fO eraweB.
To what color does fogging change boy!
1t makes him yellow (yell oh ,
Betting is immoral; but how can a nan
who bets be worse than the man who is nc
better9
A confirmed tippler was.bothered how tc
honor his birthday. A brilliant idea struck
him-he kept sober.
Lows AND JuDGNENr.-Plus un juge
nseSns on aime.-The more VIC judge the
less We love. =
The young lady who caught cold by drink
ing out OF damp tumbler, is said to be Ia
ken with incipient consumption.
We frequently see it stated that a scheme
is on foot. Wouldn't a scheme ke advanced
faster if it could be got ON horseback?
To prevent dogs from killing sheep cut
their tails off close up to their ears before
they can run about.
What is the difference between a fisher
man and truant scho l-boy ?-The one
bats his hook, the other hates his book.
"My boy, you are doing very wrong to fish
on Sunday"
Boy-"It can't be no harm, sir; 1 amt
cotcled nothing"
A tar who had been boasting of the nu-
merous foreign places he had seen, was ask
ed if ne had seen Louisiana.
Louisa Anna? No. said Jack, "what
country does she live in ?"
1t is said that a young lady on Boston
Common, dressed in The extreme of fashion,
was mistaken by some boys for the tent of
all itinerant show, and they had actually
crawled some distance under the canvass
before they discovered their miss-take.
A witty man, who lived in constant fear
of bailitfs, havil G absconded, one of his &C
quaintances asked what was the reason of
his absence, to which he replied, swhy,
sir, l apprehend he was apprehensive of
being apprehended, and so left to avoid
apprehension
AT public meeting, the following "dry
toast" was given. The author will get
Abuttered" when he reaches home;
1.-THE Press-the Pulpit and Petticoat>
the three ruling powers of the day. The
first spreads knowledge, the second spreads
morals, and the last sprc ads considerably
A Witty Proposition Sheridan, being
on Parliamentary committee, one day en-
tered the room as all the members were
seated and ready to commence business
Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and
looking round the table, with droll express
zion IF the countenance, said, twill any
gentleman moue that may take the chair ~
- mistress, observing that her "help''
ch addicted to Methodist hymns. ask
Ell her 1t she belonged to the church.
"No," she replied, "nos exactly member,
out l have been tuck in on suspicion"
'~s- 50 scobafice -nn. 'nnsn,"
'sNo don't Gin sharp key and with a
dog-matical manner) know what mean
II was tuck in on suspicion -
VERY CoLD.-The Cincinnati Enquirer
is responsible for the following-a colloquy
between the editor aad a rural friend:
"Cold morning Bob," said we, from be-
meath the folds of our heavy raglan.
"Wall, Squire" he responded, swapping
his fingers, SIT is little sarchin'' -
rs. arching-why, man, it is the coolest
day We have had yet. y
'sShouldn't wonder,' was the calm reply !;
s.fur hear'n tell last night down at the St.
Charles, that the Thermometer was ten miles
below Xenia.'
We CAVERN at that point.
As Deacon A., on an extremely cold
morning in old times, was riding by the|
house of his neighbor B--,the latter was
chopping wood. The usual salutations were
exchanged, the severity of the weather.
briefly discussed, and the horseman made
demonstrations of passing on, when his
neighb,r detained him with s'doa't be in al
hurry, deacon. Would you like a glass of
good old Jamaica, this morning ?"-~"Thark
YOU kindly" said the old gentleman, at thel
same time beginning to disnonnt, with all
the deliberation becoming deacon; 81 do"'t
care it do,"--"Ah, don't trouble yonrsel'
to get of, deacon," said the neiJhbor; IL
merely asked for information. We haven't
a drop in the house."
ASucKER AT The "PLANTERs. "-The other
evening traveller from sister State full
blooded s'Sucker," arrived in st. Louis and
put up at the Placters' House. He rose be-
times next morning and discovered that his
boots were missing. Somewhat alarmed at
the loss of his understandings. and half at
tired he rushed into and through the passa-
ges, shouting for waiter at the top of his
voice, to the great annoyance of sundry
young gentlemen in the upper story, who
are in the habit of s'sleeping it off," Doors
were opened and slammed to again, and
mutterings, not suited to ears polite, might
have been heard on learning the cause Of the
fuss.
At length the sucker found servant
and demanded his boots.
.sBoots -boots-yes, sir !"
"What number. sir ?" asked the obsequi-
ous attendant.
The Sucker looked rather obviously
for moment, but frightened up as he ans
wered
"Peggcd .o1ea aud heels and number
t,oslves!"
VINO WAS 1rii--The B ston Post tells a
story about = respectable gentleman l.:
Windsor county, Vt, WHO, NAM years ago,
had an ambition to represent his town III the
State Legislature. Though man Of good
character. and every way able enough for
the Office he sought, he happened, as Aunt
Peggy used to say, to haye.@' greet many
winning ways to make folks hate him." and
was, in fact the most unpopular man in
town. Going to Squire X, an influential
man who happened to be friendly to him,
he laid his case before him, and asked his
influence; saying he didn't expect help
without paying for it, and declaring that if
he could get KS influence he was sure to
be elected, The Squire "put in his best
Jumps" for his man, out when the ballot box
was turned, another man was declared elec
ted. The disappointed candidate called out
to know how the votes stood, and le rned
that he had got jus! three votes "Bnt don't
understand it." said lie, turning TO the
Squire with chop fallen aountenance. =
"Nor either" said the Squire, II put in