East Saginaw courier. (East Saginaw, Mich.) 1859-18??, 1859-09-15
SOLOMON SWALLOW,
TIE WOMAN HATER

that he was the only man living who hae
acquired any knowledge of the sublime
art of taking care of wife. "All thu
married men were dolts," was Solomnoi
constant asseveration. There for in
stance, is my neighbor Tom Tangible
his wife makes sort of three legge(
stool of him; she shovcs him in one cor
ner and then in another and sits on him
in short treats him like nobody in the
house, while he, poor man, takes it al
easy as though it were the most natural
thing in the world. Now; were only
Tom Tangible, I'd first write series O
matrimonial rules, and if Mrs. L. didn't
abide by them, I'd submit her to the
wholesome discipline of bread and water
and paddock; and mayIiap brighten hei
ideas, touching her conjugal duties, by
the application of cowhide-and there
are Everard Easy, and a host more o.
them in the same condition-but I'm the
boy that will set them all right if they'll
only follow my example, after have con
descended to endow some fortunate fe'
male, with the legal claim to the title of
Mrs. Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow.
"Well, Solomon" said neighbor to
him one morning, "as you are always
boasting of your skill in regard to mana
ging wife, how comes it that you are
not married?"
"Why because / have not quite perfec-
ted my system! You poked your head
into the moose without making a prepar-
alton, and hence Mrs. Everslack makes
what she likes of you'll But go to work
logically. begin by studying the cru
dte works of Zingahrazo, on the philosophy
of making woman hold her tongue. i
then read several treaties, on the effect
of bread and water discipline of making
good wives. Shakespeares "Taming OF
the Shrew," furnished me with few
practical lessons. And / am now gener-
alizing oil their systems into one, which
snail carry the sway in all the future gen.
erations and convert the plague of mat
rimony into a blessing. In the course of
year o. so, (added Solomon,) my rules
for the regulation of women, Il intend to
publish it, will be completed, and then l
shall take unto me wife,"
And Solomon was as good as his word
for at the age of thirty five, feeling him
self prepared to give battle to any wo-
man in or out of the Amazons, he got
married. AT this important period Sol
onion was puffy, comfortable looking
fellow as you wouldmeet in days walk,
for albeit the crown of his head never
stood five feet two from the heels of his
boots, he had corporation that would
have done honor to an alderman, or even
mayor and his gait Especially when
walking with any thing in the likeness
of woman) was as pompous as Sui
tan's, while at such times, his countenance
always assumed an expression of female
familiarity. ...
The lady whom Solomon had chosen
for his worser half, was apparently mod
est, lamb like creature, so that the chances
were very fair that she would not only be
tractable wife, but that Mrs. Swallow
would need no help from his system to
make her SO. Now Solomon had the
forbearance enot-to-interfere with the elady's
sayinea a.,d do;~ea- on her wedding day;
nor is it recorded that he assumed AMY
special authority on the first night either;
but about six o'clock the next morning,
he softly insinuated to his sleeping part
ner, that it was most time to get up
"And when breakfast is all ready call me,
but be sure you don't burn the toast
"Breakfast and toast" said Mrs. Swal-
low, ''why, what do you mean!" "
"Why, my dear-I mean, madam that
/ have begun my SYSTEM" gs. tI IS,
'And won't you get up, too?"
ayes, when the breakfast is ready, and
my stockings aired!' sa larl lrr ,.-,
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply, but
she checked herself as she was ashamed
to say much to him on so short an ac-
quaintauce; but though in the present
instance she did precisely as she was bid
she resolved in her heart that it was the
last time she would get up at six o'clock
in the morning and prepare breakfast.
At eight o'clock, every thing being
ready, Mrs. Swallow called out to Mr..
Swallow. 5..f.
breakfast is ready, Mr. Swallow"
ais the toast made?"
ayes" ar- lfrI
"And not burned?"
"No.n
"Are my stockings aircd?"
"Ycs.n f-H
"You1l do" quoth Mr.. Swallow, and
to breakfast he went, having first receiv-
ed the services of The quick blushing
Mrs. Swallow to help him into his mex
pressibles.
The breakfast, however, did not turn
out to be the thingit was cracked upto be.
The toast was done little too much,a and
the tea wasn't done quite cnougli the
slop bowl was at the wrong end of the
tray, and there were several crumbs on
the carpet.
"Thesc things call for improvement"
observed Mr.. Swallow. ~ Il
"The servant hasn't been here this
morning." answered his wife. n
"Scrvant" retorted Mr.. Swallow. 81
discharged him yesterday. You don't
suppose / can afford to keep a servant
and wife tooy" ,tis2Q
The lady was again posed, and said
nothing, but the day had worn to close
before she could bring herself to believe
that Mr. Swallow had actually made use