The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-03-17

In me behold reversed great natures laws
All my effects lost by single
Dying for Economy Not far from Brak-
ord on old couple lived on their farm. The
good man had been i'll for some time when the
practitioner who attended him, advised that
physician should be summoned from Bradford
for consultation The doctor came looked
into the case gave his opinion and, descend
ing from the sick room into the kitchen, was
there accosted by the old woman with, "Well,
doctor, what's your charge ?'' My fee is a
guinea" A guinea, doctor guinea
And if ye come again, viii it be another guinea 20
I" Yes but I shall hardly have to come again.
l have given my opinion, and leave the patient
in very good hands," A guinea, Dr. Hech ?''
The old woman rose, went up stairs to her
husbands bedside, and the doctor, who waited
below, heard her say, "He charges guinea;
and if he comes again it will be another guinea.
Now, what do you say? If were ye, I'd say
no, like Britoner and I'd die first"
1870 So stt
My neighbor F-had party at his resi-
dence few evenings since, and the dear boy"
Charles, FIVE year old, was fevored with per-
mission to be seen in the parlor. Pa is somr-
what proud of his boy, and Charles was of course,
deliberately got up for the occasion. Among
other extras the little fellows hair was treated
to a liberal supply of Eau de Cologne to his
huge qualification AS he entered the parlor
and made his bow to the ladies and gentlemen,
" Locke here" said he proudly, g if any of you
smells smell that's me p the effect was decided,
and Charles became the hero of the evening.
->A>
HIS FIRST BooTs.-A youngster who had
just risen to the dignity of the first pair of boots
with heels on, laid himself liable though some
misdemeanor, to maternal chastisement
After pleading to get clear to no effect he ex-
claimed -
"Well if have got to stand it, mean to
take off my boots"
Why ?" asked his mother a
Because won't be whipped in them new
boots, no how That's so !"
A story is told of lady wit who dined at the
Presidents the other day, and was seated at
table between a certain representative from Ten
nessee. and the Hon. Mr.. Rufin of North Caro-
lima. How are you getting on, my dear ma
dam ~ asked the jolly bachelor of the White
House Well as could be expected, with a.
Savage on one side and Ruff a)n on the 9TH
err" was the instant response.
A penny liner never uses the word to eat,
but defines it thus :-'To insert nutritious
papulum into the denticulated orifce below the
nasal protuberance, which, being masticated,
peregrinates through the cartilaginous cavities
of the larynx, and is digestible particles" In
this way, he turns three letters into FIVE lines
He knows his trade p
A spirited woman in Davtun, Ohio, caught
her husband the other day in the act of break
ing up her hoops The exertion, or something
else, had singular effect upon him. His hair
came out at an astonishing rate. I
'Do you believe in second love, Mis- ther Nc
Quade ?" DO behave in second love? =
Humph if man buys pound of sugar isn't
it swate and when its gone, don't he want an
other pound, and isn't that swate too? Troth,
Murphy, believe in second love-"
"Vat you make dere ?" hastily inquired q
Dutchman of his daughter, who was being kiss
ed very DANGEROUSLY
"0h, not much, just counting ittle-dat's
all"
"oh, OATS all. no I! py tam, I thought you
was yighting"
The question why printers did not succeed
as well as brewers!" was thus answered Be-
cause printers work for the head, and brewers
for the stomach, and where twenty men have
stomaches but one has brains. !"
On one occasion DR. auckland, the geologist,
was in danger from the falling stones as he was
climbing up the side of a quarry. He was told
of his danger by the bystanders 'Nevermind,
said he 'the stones know me-
would have you know, my friend, that I
speak from the knowledge of the truth"
"Oh yes, fully thousand miles from the
slightest knowledge of it"
Dresses are coming down-at least we should
Judge SO from sign before mantua-makers