The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1859-09-03
A SQUIRTING JURY.

/ ...,..-A A SQUIRTING JURY.
The Washington Ne,cs records the fol-
lowing amusing reminiscence :g EEsr'e
Once upon time, or, to be little moro
particular, nearly half q century, ago, there
dwelt in the county Of ---, in Old Eng.
land, q remarkable oddity, in the person Of
an attorney -at-law, who, although not fair
to look upon, for he was, in. truth, one of
the homeliest specimens Of humanity ever
beheld by mortal man) was withal per sou
Of sound judgment, great o!snse, va
ried learning, poet, q painter, and wi,
Of no mean order.
It happened that tho aforesaid gentleman
Sheriff Of the town Of -. flo was man
Of fortune, and had kind heart, as many
poor prisoner could testify, who partook
Of tke good cheer with which the prisoners
were literally supplied at Christmas and
other well known festivals, from the private
house Of the High Sheriff. EE"ss 8
| 1t was of course the duty Of the High
Sheriff to summon Grand and Petit Jury,
to attend at the Quarter Sessions, Of which
the Recorder, Mayor, and Alderman Of the
borough composed the court.
In the performance of his official duty in
summoning the Petit Jury, our High Sheriff
INDUCED in some of the strangest and drollest
freaks that robably have ever been heard
of in any other town or country. In the FIRST
place, be summoned for the October court
jury consisting Of twelve of the fattest
men he could find in the borough, and when
they came to the book to be sworn, it up
pears that only nine jurors could sit COM
fortably in the box! After good deal Of
sweating, squeezing, and scolding, the panel
was literally janmed into the box, and
when seated they presented to the eye Of
the court, the barristers, and the audience,
g the tightcst ft'' of a j.ry th It was ever.
seen in court room. Literally, they be-
came, much to the amusement of the court
and its robed associates, ga packed jury"
and no mistake. ... X s-.a .. .-.s-
For the January term the facetious High
Sheriff lin consequence, it is said, of some
hint from the Recorder, that there should
be no more fat panels summoned to his
court,) went to the opposite extreme. He
summoned twelve of the leanest and tallest
men be could find in the borough; and when
they took their seats in the box, it appeared
comparatively empty-there was indeed
room enough for twelve more of the same
sort and dimensions.
For the April term Of tie Court, our hu-
merous functionary summoned jury con-
sisting of twelve BARRIERS! Now it happened
that among the latter were the very PERU
quiers who dressed tho recorders and bar
risters' wigs, aud some of the latter, arriv-
ing late at the bar, had to appear that
morning in court with their wigs undressed
or half dressed, so as to cut very ridicu-
lous figure, amid the smiles and half sup
,f ~
High Sheriff enjoyed the fun amazingly, but
looked "grave as a judge" while he tried
to keep silence in the court room. s.sr.
But the crowning joke of this waggish
functonary occurred the SUNNI oning of his
in July. For that term Of the court, the
High Sheriff, not having the fear Of the Re.
corder, the Mayor and Alderman before his
jury; twelve as queer looking bipeds as ever
took their seats in jury box-a jury that
was probably more looked at and laughed
at more than any Of the appointed twelve
that were ever sworn to swell and truly try,
and true deliverance make, between their 2
Sovereign Lord the King and the prisoner
at the bar
But the scene was so irresistably droll
b t.he learned Recorder could not maintain
his gravity. The Mayor and Aldermen fol-
lowed suit. The barristers laughed, whilo
their wigs became bald, powderless; nav,
even the poor prisoners in the dock, who
were to be put upon their trial, and some
of them undergo transportation, could not
refrain from joining in the general cachua--
alton! And when the learned Recorder
commanded the High Sheriff to bring the
courtroom to order, and intimated, with
half suppressed laugh, that the latter
ought to be ashamed of himself for sum-
moning such O jury, the drollery Of this
court scene was considerably heightened by
the quick, ready and sonorous response of
the High Sheriff, who, looking ut the same
time at the squirting jury, exclaimed-"All
good and lawful men, your honor" vg .....
WHAT LADY THINKS OF FHAIRYFACEs. =
A dgussed female up at Xenia, o., 10
making terrific crusade against harry =
faced men. Hear her: - 49, n
What expression of kindness and mild !
humanity can be observed in n face covered
with hair from the nose down? Not any.
AS well might poor rat look in the grizzly
muzzle Of Scotch terrier for mercy, when
about to be caught in his crushing jaws, IS
to look for an expression of human kind i.
ness and sympathy in the face Of hiFsate
man. <...-..- ..s -..--
Who can appreciate the value Of smile?
It liahtens up the countenance with adorn.
ing sweetness, indicates n kind heart, and
radiates kindness to the hearts Of others,
encourages the desponding. soothes the af-
fiicted, cheers the sorrowing, disasms wrath,
and kindles up senia: sympathy end recip-
rocal regard. -. --'. " rs 2:E5s Ss.t
But smile cannot drop ont from the face,
of man s'hearded and N Gus ached like the
pard." You suppose. from the agitation Of
tall grass, that some animal was crawling
through it. So you may infer. from tho
whisking Of the hair, that Il smile was bur-
rowing along there somewhere, out of sight:
The smile Of such a man cannot bo distin-
guished from the grin Of ribbed-nose bah
DON, which has burnt its mouth with a,hot
chestnut. ......... .-..r.ss b. I lts.s .s.Elz
The lips ere capable Of Indicating variety
of passions aud emotions. They can express
kindness, good humor, sweetness Of diposi. =
ton, sorrow, firmness, and decision OF char
acter, Or they may manifest scorn, contempt,
disdain, loathiug, anger, and threaten like
loaded revolyerS. The chief expression OF
the best traits in Napolesn's nature were in :
his mouth and chin, which he could clothe
with SO much sweet, winning, mute, persua.
sive eloquence Us to render his look IRE.
sistible. But when lip and chin are covered
with hair, you might as we'll look for exs
preston in the hole of bank swallow IN
the side Of gully, oyerAung With . tafF Of
grass. s....ss.s
The passions and affections have their
poles in the face, frmness in the upper lip,
mirthfulness near the outer corners OF ths
mouth, and the affections in the edges Of the
lips, &C., hence the philosophy and delight
Of kissing the ,4ore intense the passions
the more soul thrilling and enrapturing the
kiss. Behold the lovely woman, with form
shaped by the hand Of harmony, regular
features under clustering ringlets, bright
eyes beaming with intelligence, vel. .arrsng-
ed pearly teeth, soft and delicate skin, .
mouth like Cupid's bow, neck like ivory,
breast like alabaster, and tho swelling
unduIations like snow, her lips Ike two
rose buds, moist with the morning dew, and
her checks, - ~ ssszzss z5H ~