The Lambertville press., 1859-03-24

a woods in haste met with melancholy acci-
dent which is recorded in the following felicitous
strain
And while retreating through the woods,
And through the tangled fern,
. He tore his nt-menton-ems,
Andhad to puton hern
-
hunter narrating his hair breadth escapes
to an admiring audience said @
once had two balls lodged in my stom-
ach"
" Pstol-balls? ?" asked one
"No.n
All, musket balls then7"
No" returned the narrator; they were as
large as my fist"
"Why, you don't mean to say they were can
non balls ?" exclaimed one of his hearers with
distended eyes.
" No, they were not cannon balsn
"Why, what were they, then ?"
Goldfish balls, . returned the hunter with a
grin.
WHETT1NG RAzoR.-A young fop who had
just begun to shave for beard, stepped into q
barber shop, and after grand swagger, desired
to be shaved. The barber went through the eG
usual movements and the sprig jumped up with "A
flourish, excaming: s7'tsss "a
"My fon fellow, what is your charge ?p .sa
! Oh no charge" replied the barber. ~
No charge! How's that?' w
Why, I'm always thankful that lean get a
soft piece of calfskin to sharpen my razor on.D
Hoeing Colloquy.-' Peter, Peter, l sees a
toad " said little darkey to his brother. one
day, as they were digging over heap of manure
Whar is he, Joe
Why right dar-don't you see i'm
No-hit' i'm wild de hoe |"
'Joe hit the toad acrack, which brought Peter
to the ground. "Oh you fool Joe dat was
my toe I seed dat all the time ,"
A clergyman lately depicting, before
deeply interested audience, the alarming increase
of intemperance, when be astonished his hearers
by exclaiming "A young woman in my neighbor-
hood died very suddenly last Sabbath, 0hile I
acas preaching the gospel an state of beastly
dnto9ication !"
Jimmy, get some kindlin' an be making
fire." "Plaze, sir can't Msther O'Brien used
the last banisther yesterday"
+" The banisthers all gone? Then go on the
roof and try the yartue o. them shingles
In week afterwards Mr.. Murphy wants a
reduckshin o. rint-kase the roof lakes !"
A butcher presented bill for the tenth time
to rich skinfint. It strikes me-" said the
latter, that thisis a pretty round bill"
Yes, "replied the butcher" I've sent it
around often enough to make it appear so and
have called now to get it squared"
"Mss, will you take my arm?"
eyes, sir, and you too"
Can't spare but the arm, replied the old
bachelor. rias
''Then," returned she, II shan't takeit, as my
motto is, g go the achole hog or nothing"
A man, the other day, declared he had in his
time eaten SO much veal, he was ashamed to look
calf in the face We suppose he never made
use of looking glass.
A sensible /" down east female is decidedly
opposed to the interference of women with po-
litics She pointedly asks If men can't do the
voting and take care of the country what is the
use of them Z" --f
A lady, when told that Mr.. Beecher was about
to deliver lecture on Burns, suggested the equal
necessity Of lecture on scalds" Mr.. Beecher
is SO constantly in hot water, that he ought to
be pre-eminently qualified to handle such q
theme.
A gentleman met half-wited lad in the road
and placing in one of his hands sixpence and
penny, asked him which of the two he would
choose. The lad replied that " he wouldn't be
greedy he'd take the smallest"
! 1--WE won't indulge in such horrid anticipa-
| tions," as the hen-pecked husband said, when the
parson told him he would be joined to his wife in
ano ther world, never to seperate
/" The winds getting round, = remarked Bibbs
to his friend Buggins, the day, when it changed
from east to west.
Glad of it." replied Bugging; tits been
sharp long enough
:" Miss Julia allow me to close those blinds: