The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1859-09-28
Miscellaneous Items.


grandchildren piled promiscuOusly into it
Miscellaneous Items.
Why is a jug like side-saddlc
Because it holds a gallon.
The man makes jokes at matrimony,
has probably found matrimony no joke.
= What bar is that which often
opens but never shuts? Crowbar.
Wanted to know, the width of a
abroad distinction" and "narrow es.
cape"
= The cloudy weather melts at length
into beauty, and the brightest smiles OF
the heart are born of its tears
Who first committed forgery p
Vulcan-ho forged the thunder-bolts Of
If n certain wind instrument is a
pair of bellows, is the singular below
And if so can the operation of "raising
the wind" thereby be called Believing?
-" How is your husband this after.
noon, Mrs. Squiggs" "Why, the doc.
tor says how if he lives till mornin," he
shall have some hopes of him, but if he
don't he must give him up"
= Sixteen dollars and ninety one cents
have been received at Chicago from
Pixies Peak, being the result of the Ia
Dor of two men for six months. Money
will probably be plentier in Chicago here
after.
= He who talks to you of the errors
Of your neighbor, has you may be sure,
long since made your neighbor acquaint-
ed with your own faults. A news-carrier
or gossip-menger exhibits no partiality
in the distribution of his venom.
- There is no safer protection against
burglars than to feed your baby, before
going to bed, with green apples. 1t will
certainly begin to cry before midnight,
and it is equally certain that it can't be
stopped before morning.
-"I wish l could have seen your
great feat" said lady to a young gen.
tleman who had had hazardous adven-
ture in the Mammoth Cave. "There
they are madam" said he, pointing to
his pedal extremities.
-" "Joe, why were you out so late
last night?" at wasn't so very late
only quarter of l2." "How dare you
sit there and tell me that lie? | was
awake when you came in, and looked at
my watch-it was 8 o'clock" "Well,
isn't quarter of 12|
A woman in Middlcsex, England,
named Newton, recently bit off the nose
of Thomas Saverland, who ATTEMPTED to
kiss her. But he can now kiss her as
much as he pleases, saying to her as the
pig said to the boy who cut his tail off,
"you can't do that again"
-" Charles" said a young lady to
her beau, "what is the cause of the mar
ket-house bell ringing so?' "Well," said
the beau, quite solemnly, "if were to
express an opinion, should give it as
my deliberate conviction that somebody
lS-pulllnS tnerope!
81 say, Jim, they tell me there is a
man down East that is SO industrious that
he works twenty-five hours in one day.
How is that, Cuffy 4? There are only
twenty -four hours in day" "Why, he
gets up an hour before daylight, you stu
pid niger"
- Ike camc homo from school very
much agitated because he couldn't under
stand the principles of allegation, as laid
down in Greenleaf. "There, dear" said
Mrs. Partington, "don't fret about it;
you must tell the teacher that you amt
no alligator, and | know he'll relinquish
YOU" The lad was comforted accord
ingly.
- There is lady down east, so exces-
sively modest, that every night before re-
firing, sho closes the window curtain, tc
prevent the "man in the moon" from
looking in. She is related TO the young
lady who would not allow the Chris
tian Observer to remain in her room over
night. She's the same lady that was
afraid to handle the Toledo Blade, fol-
fear of cutting her fingers.
- A soul, like m instrument Of mu-
sic, should be we'll tuned to meet the va.
rious strains the hand of destiny may
call from its thrilling chords; firmly, yet
sweetly, should its tones ring out, Of
whatever character they are; strong but
sweet music still, should a God strength.
ened spirit yield beneath the touch oI
sorrow or adversely, as iu its days o.
brightest power.