Raftsman's journal. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1854-1948, 1859-06-15
THE AWKWARD HUSBAND.

iOI ouc tuUS lAuy, uOt0liuotduuiu6 Wuhs ioi-
lowed--that for the first time in her life, she
raised her little foot, and gave her awkward
husband fierce kick You might think there
was row in that family in consequence-and
so it was, although Mr.. Stagg was conscious Of
his faults, and though that kick was intended
He was surprised, however; but he did not
escape so easily as he imagined.
"Blundering, awkward creature! What
hare done that you should be always tread
ing on my feet 1 declare don't know what
crime such suffering is intended for. shall
be cripple one of these days, Philemon, as
sure as you are born. OPP
ssMy dear Laura, it pains me as much as it
does You, l assure you,''
go pshaw Sympathy is cheap. o dear!"
ssThere seems to be a fatality about it,''
said the ashamed Stagg, hanging his head, ssI
could almost cut off my feet to prevent such
accidents"
sI'm sure my feet are not so large that they
should always be in the way,' she murmured,
looking with vanity at the little Chinese un-
derstanding.
81 know it, love. The fact is, they are
so small one can hardly see them.'
He thought this might put her in good
humor. Dead failure it was rebellious and
revengeful scorn.
ssAnd yours are so big that I tremble when
ever you come within yard of me. o, my
poor feet 20
1t was melancholy fact that Mr.. Stagg was
rare example of blundering awkwardness.
He was one of the best-natured persons alive.
Clumsy animals are generally the easiest tenn
pered. But Mrs. Stagg did not believe this to
be any atonement, for whenever Stagg moved,
things animated or inanimated were in jeopar-
dy. indoors or out ruin and confusion mark
ed his presence. He loved his wife dearly,
and kept so near her, that her feet bore wit
ness and paid the penalty.
Of Aay hu vrav of ha Too
her out to ride, and it would have been very
happy drive, if he had not, several times more
crushed h0r feet, as they were admiring the
scenery. She began to cry, and her tears
were only stopped by his hanging both his
ponderous feet out of the vehicle. But as
his peculiar fate would have it, the position
was unfayorable for his driving, which at the
best was miserably poor and awkward, and he
began to drive agaist verything that came
along now on this side, now on that-clink,
CRATE, jar, bang, jerk, crash executing un-
heard OF man9uvres, with such want of
judgment, that Mrs. Stagg at last began to
implore of him
ssTake in those feet again, do, Philemon.
Better to have my feet amputated than break
my neck.''
He obeyed, but drove worse than before
and after provoking the anger Of drivers all
along the road, he finally settled the question
of life and death by smashing against heavy
team, and remaining behind with his wife and
the body, while the horse galloped ahead with
the shafts. Happily they escaped with but
few scratches and were glad to get home again.
ssI'lbtell you what iii agree to, wife, - said
he, after lecture; "I'll agree to give you
the most beautiful shawl you can find in the
city, if l tread upon your feet again, once,
within a fortnight. I'm determined to break
myself of the habit.''
Singular to relate, he became SO watchful
during that period, that Mrs. Stagg had no
cause to complain, on that score, or rather
half score. But certain amount of awkward
ness was doomed to be his. Though he now
approached her only at arms length-she, in
view of the shawl, not caring if he approach
ed as near as usual, and give her one crush
though he dared not to sit beside her; and
thought, when they walked out, he kept con-
tinually looking down, and trembed when he
felt the broadest circumference of her hoop.
| skirt; and Notwithstanding other look-outs
in proportion, Stagg was Stagg in every other
respect, and much anguish was the result.
ssThere he goes again 20 shrieked she, next
day, stumbling down stairs. Merciful hea-
ven, Philemon, have you broke your neck ?''
she cried, rushing out into the hall.
s.Not much, my dear" he replied, breath
lessly, picking himself up at the foot of the
staircase; ssbut I've nearly mashed my head.''
And he put his hand to that erratic magazine,
which was essentially bumped, and profusely
bleeding.
go, my poor Philemon You are almost
| killed! Take my arm. Here, Mary John!''
ssLook out for your feet, Laura was his pru-
dent remark. aI'd rather not plaster my
wounds with thousand dollar shawl"
Stagg was not very seriously hurt, and was
able to be out and about next day. Taking
| walk together, Stagg had no less than three
alterations with pedestrians, against whom
his clumsy way Of locomotion had precipita-
4 4 & n
| make it seem Intentional. He 1oundered a.
| long like great, fap-eared elephant, and it
was hardly possible not to mistake his walk
| for an impudent swagger. Yet all was innocent
in him; and in one of the disputes, where he
had bounced one man against another, and
| that other against two ladies, both of whom
were thrown down in the contact, their gallant
showed fight, when Stagg stepped in with the
remark that,"I did it!'' where upon all pitch
ed into him, and would have made Stagg stag
ger, but for the interposition of the two la
dies, and the explanation of Mrs. Stagg that
sshe was such clumsy creature 20
Comfortable companion, he, for proma-
made Mrs. Stagg, like every sensible wo-
man who has just regard for her health, was
partial to going abroad to snuff the fresh air,
when other duties said yes; and before the
first week was ended, she trnsted herself with
her husband, in a -boat-he to manage it
he, of all men in the world!
Perhaps she was thus trusting, from the
consideration that certain amphibious animals,
which are awkward on land, are very graceful,
expert and au fait upon the water, but after
she was upset, by his laundering management
of the sails, and arrived home dripping wet,
she didn't think Stagg was monster Of that
amphibious genus, at least.
The husband prided himself upon his ad-
roitness in the performance of little domestic
chores, and when the fit was on him, you