Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1852-1859, 1859-08-06
THE INTELLIGENCFR
LFrOm the Richmond Examiner !

courses upon rariOus Things, and qires Simon
m"c" sohotesOme aaOice about the LADIES'
n. n o4GEALvlLLE, Va, 28th July, 1859.
- ~ Oe"F IS'm0n:-As your trip to the White
IS your hrSt wrestle with the world
since since the completion of your education, have
:I 1Housut that your study of the men and women
Win "hom you will be thrown in YOUR rambIcc
VIII be somewhat aided and facilitated bv the
"uE!ce anu experience of your old father
II Is true, my dear Simon that many Years
nave elaPSed since l mingled with the world
put within that time the world and its votaries
nave nave changed but little. The principles ofhu-
man nature, Simon, are ever the same so thot
the experiences of the father will be beneficial
10 the son. 1t is this reflection, nv dear son.
that induces the to believe what shall say TO
you VIII not be without value; the more so, be-
cause your last letter to your brother, Jehosa-
pnS', >, indicated considerable ignorance ofpeople
ana tnlngs at a fashionable watering place
AND tirSt of all, Simon, reco.lect that the
prime OBJECT OF your trip is the restoration of
your nealth, which, having been impaired in
your childhood from the effect of worms and
officiating, has not been since improved by
your acquaintance with whiskey and tobacco
| am believer, Simon, in the efficacy of the
White Sulphur water Tor the cure o(everythinr
from corns up to choeIa-from scald-hcad
down TO toe-itch. | have seen it produce some
OF the most capriciOuS and contradictory cures
nave seen 1t make fat people lean, and lean
people fat. have known it to act on one man
rs dlurctic and on another as a non-diuretic
IL purgeS some people and constipates others
lJnSt according TO the physical necessities and
requirements of the human system in each in
dIvldual case. Drink freely of it, Simon, for
verify 1t Is great water, and it moves me to
think OF it now, though it has been years since
stood by that spring and watched the express.
sion oil ineifabc disgust with which some old
lady or gentleman would turn away from their
first glasses.
And now, Simon, let me give you little ad
vice about the people to be met with at water.
ing places, and the department to be observed
by you in your social Intercourse with them
And 1t Is ofthe first Importance, my dear son,
that you shonLd know how to conduct yourself
with the ladies, SO that you may be able to
spend your time in the most agreeable and in
nOcent manner, and AZ the same time push to n
successful termination any love affair which YOU
may become involved in. For, notwithstand-
ing your early attachment to Sukey Soapsuds
whom you say you can never forget for another,
know to the contrary. The human heart
Simon, Is wisely made Of elastic and expansive
material. 1t will stretch mile before it will
break OF tear inch. 1t is like tcrrauin's
egS-lmpress it on one side and YOU remove
the impression on the other he best way
therefore, Tor you TO get rid of your first love is
to get up second; aud the second will drive
out the hrSt, even as with one nail YOU would
drive out another. But am wandering from
my purpose, which was to tell YOU how to get
along with the ladies'
When you mix with them, Simon, be careful
always to feel your way cautiously. Take care
! to understand their characters their sentiments
| their particular vanities and hobbies. AS Your
nameSake and relative, Simon Smirk used to
! advise, keep your own ideas in the background.
until you can coincide with theirs Take care
never TO speak diSreSpectfullv of the SEX Ney-
err III the presence OF woman, call woman
"a woman, or "a female Have but one name,
| ladies' Tor the whole fcmennC gender Never
get into an argument or dispute, on any subject.
with wonan-tor you can never convince her
tEat she Is wrong, and she will generally get
mad Women are great at a quarrel, but poor
at an argument. When thoy differ among
themselves, and ask you your opinion, Simon,
agree with one and at the same time wink at
the other silly, as If to say, "Its all humbug.
what am saying" II lady is ugly, praise
her intellect II she does not know anything
praise her virtues. In this way, Simon, You
viii seldom miss the mark for you will rarely
lind woman that is ugly, immoral and fool to
boot. In fact, 1t will he difficult TO find any
one who has not one good point, or who is net
susceptible TO tiattery in some way or other
ana man must be an ass, who iG determined to
tiattcT, and make his flattery acceptable, cannot
seize hold ol some merit in mind, in heart form
or lace OF the person he wishes to please and,
expressing his admiration of it, make that per.
entertain these views; lie was n WISE and sue
ccssful man in all his undertakings, and no one
ever cclipscd him with the ladies'
When you walk out with the ladies, never
have one on each arm, for then you will both
look and feel like an ass between two panniers,
and will make yourselves about as agreeable
Should yon, while at the White Sui phur, walk
near the Lovers Leap" don't be fool enough
to leap over; and when you go TO the top of the
hill, keep to the right, for there is tickpatcil
on theleit ifyou get into which, you will scratch
for the next fortnight once advised two low
ers, who were ignorant of the premises TO take
thnt walk, and they became so disguised with
each other that they were never married
But it is time, my dear Simon that l had
brought this letter to close. Your mother and
the children send much love to you. The pros
pect is that you will have another brother or
sister shortly-probabIy before write again.
All, Simon, when you think of matrimoLy, re.
collect the consequences!
Your affectionate father,
To SIMON SQrEA1, Esq,
White Sulphur Springs.
| AT1,ase letters NJ n,v solct,,,ior ,.,,., l