The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1859-04-06
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
Here is a bcer-drinkcr's epitaph;

4 - ftere Is Dcer-urlnkcr epltaph'
Beneath these stones
Reposo the bones
0f TheodcsiOas Grim,
Who took his beer
From year 10 year,
Until the bier took him
- How TO prevent flies from getting
at your bacon in summer-eat il AL in
the winter.
- Speaking your mind" Jcrold says,
is an extravaganza that has ruined
many man.
= The world is great tread-mill,
which turns all the while, aud leaves no
choice but 10 sink or climb
- The wife of Mortimer Thompson
{" Docsticks') died receRtly at Brooklyn,
leaving an infant but few hours old.
"a lawyer said Lord Broughsm,
facetiously SIS learned gentleman, who
rescues your estate from your enemies,
and-kceps it himself"
- Says a country girl, describing her
country home. ave misc our own fruit
and vegetables, make our own pork, and
lay our own eggs"
- Socratces seeing n scolding wife who
had hanged herself on an olive tree, ex-
claimed-"Oh, that all trees should bear
such fruit'
- The world should have its docket
called, and sluggards all defaulted, and
those should bc the supper ten whom
labor hath exalted.
A negro boy was driving mule,
when the animal suddenly stopped and
refused 10 bulge. "Won't you 60, heyl
| suppose YOU forgot your father was
jackass -
- The ugliest Of trades, said Jerrold,
have their moments of pleasure. Now,
if / were grave digger, or even hang
man, there are some people | could work
for with great deal of enjoyment.
-" No man." says Mrs. Partington,
was better calculated to judge of pork
than my poor husband; when he was a
living man, he knew what good hogs
were for he had been brought up among
EN- from his childhood"
$50 there's another eruption at
Mount Vociferous," said Mrs. Partington,
as she put up her specs. "The paper
tells about burning lather running down
the mountains, but it don't tell how it got
fire."
- A fop, just returned from oouti-
mental tour, was asked how he liked the
ruins of Pompeii.
Not very we'll they are so badly out
of repair" was the reply.
"Come, Bill, it's ten o'clock think
We had better be going, for it's time hon
est felix's were at home" "Well, yes"
was the reply, 81 must be of, but you
needn't 90 on that account"
- An Irish Dragon, on hearing that
his widowed mother had been married
since he quilted Ireland exclaimed "Mur-
ther, hope she won't have a son oulder
than me--If she does l shall lose the
estate"
-"Henry, my love, | wish YOU would
drop that book, aud talk with me, feel
so dull" Long silence, and no reply.
"Oh, Henry, my foots asleep"
"Is iti Well, don't talk, dear, you might
wake it,
A fellow who lives at n boarding
house where they give the toughest Of
tough beefsteaks, staggered his landlady
the other day by handing bis plato and
asking in very loud voice. for a little
more Of his daily board.
- a Chinaman stepped into a jewelry
store in San Francisco, and inquired if
they had "consistencies y On being
asked TO explain himself he didn't know
what consistency was, but had been told
that it was 'jewel."
- Jacob Jones was elected sheriff Of
the County in November last. Jacob
was very pompous, very selfcomplacent,
very proud Of the honor. His neighbors
called to see him. "Approach," said Ja-
cob. approach very near. Though | am
the sherifi-elect, feel that am still ono
Of you."
- A fellow went, some time since, in
to the store of a fashionable milliner.
Have you any skirts 7" he asked with
serious emphasis"
"Plenty Of them"
"What is the price per eord!' asked
the chap.
"A cordr replied tho woman in as
constituent.
ayes, l want about cord. Up in
our diggins the petticoats has gin out.
see you advertise "cordod skirts, )" and
thought while my hand was in, would
take what you had corded up"
The milliner tainted.