Daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1865, 1859-12-17

cases at full rates.
Marriages. Notices of Funerals and announcements
OF Sermons, so cents each. noyIIL'5o
How an Advertisements Got a wIfe.
"Tobacco is tho tomb of love" writes a.
modern novelist ofhigh standing; but. with
every respect for his authority, i beg to say
it was quite the contrary in my case.
Twenty-one years ago, was sitting by
my iireside, totting up innumerable pages
of my bachelors housekeeping book.
taking exercise in arithmetic on long COL
umns of "pctty casl"-comprising items
for carrots and Bath bricks, metal tacks.
and mutton chops-until, tired and wea-
ried, arrived Mt the sum total, and ierked
the book on the mantel-piece. Nearly at
the same time | placed my hand in tho
pocket of my dressing gown, drew out II
leather case, and lit a. principle. Well,
having lit the principle, placed my feet
on the fender and sighed, exhausted by nv
long job ofdOmestic accounts l was then
In Dusiness-'twas small wholesale busi-
ness then, tits large one now-yct one
morning totting of carrots and Bath bricks
OF metal tacks and mutton chops, would
tire me thousand more than twcnty-four
hours of honest ledger work. sighed, not
from love but from labor; for, to tell You
the truth, l had never been in love. Is
this to go on forever? thought l, as took
my third whiff, and looked drcamily
through the thin smoke as it ascended be-
tween me and q large print of the capture
OF Gibralter which hung over the chimney
place. Am | to spend my prime in totting
mp parsnips, and computing carrots, and
comptrolling washing bills? | sighed
again, and in the act. off flew the button of
my neck-band, as though some superior
power had sent accident to remind me of
my hclplessness.
The button settled the business: though.
as it slipped down inside my shirt, and
passed with its mother-o'-pearl coldness
over my heart, it for moment threatened
to chill my matrimonial resolution. I
piticd my own lonely state, and pity, we
know, is akin to love. But how was the
matter to be accomplished Most men at
my age would already have adjusted their
inclination to some object so thnt having
made up their mind and counted the cost.
little more would have remained to be done
than to decide upon the day and lay hold
upon the license. This, however. was not
the case with me. l had been too much
occupied, too idle, or too indolentto devote
the time or make the effort to storm nm
attachment" 1t was through no disincli-
nation or difficulty to be pleased; for had
any yonng lady of moderately agreeable
powers taken the trouble, she might have
married me long ere then. should even
have been grateful to her for taking the
trouble oil my hands, but was too BASH
ful to adopt the initiative.
| was bashful man. This weakness
came from the same cause rs my Uncle
Toby's-namcly, want of acquaintance
with female society, which want arose
from another cause in my case-namcly,
too close an application to business.
Accordingly, thought of an advertise
mcnt; yet with no practical design of do
ing business, but, as persuaded myself,
for joke. So scratched with pencil
on the back of a letter, the following:
! WANTED WIFE None but principals
need apply. The advertiser does not re-
Iuire cash, but only companion. He is
six -"nd-twenty, and tired of single, he
thinks he can settle down to married life
AS men go, he believes he has moderate
Snare of temper, and want of time is his
only reason for having recourse to the
newspaper. He has enough means for
hlmseif and second party, and is willing
10 ueat at once. He is quite aware that
great many attempts to convert his honest
intentions into an cxtravagnnt joke, will
II he finds man hard enough to make
sport of his affections, he will thrash him
III a woman, he will forgive her. He has
heart for the sincere, horsewhip for
the lmpertinent. In either case, all appli-
cationS will be promptly attended to, if
addressed to p. p, at the Office of this pa
per.
felt proud of my composition, and
Puleu away my principe with IL vague glec
ana anticipation of something coming out
OF 1T. had no very great idea that any
thing but fun would result; and certainly
h"d not the slightest notion of involving
myself IN personal collision with any
one. Still, the presentiment that it was
not destined to be all a barren joke, pres
sed upon me On Saturday tho advertise
Ment appeared, and heard its style can
Tassed by all my friends, and it was jo-
kingiy asserted by more than one, that
was the domesticully destitute individual
who put it forth
On Monday morning sent n boy to the
newspaper Office for p P.'s letters. | ex-
Pected he might he followed by some Gu
rlous and inquiSitive persons: so told
MN on his way back to call ut bachelor
bneighbor of mine for book. The trick
told The lad was followed by some per-
sons who never lost sight of him until
they ran him to my friends, and then they
went back and announced that he was the
advertiser. | thus discharged in full one
or two practical jokes which my neighbor
had played upon me.
The answers were of the usual charoc-
ter-several seeking to elicit my name
and still more suggesting places of meet
ing, where was to exhibit MYSELF with n
flower i'll my button-hole and n white
handkerchief in my hand. One only