The River Falls journal. (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1857-1861, 1859-05-04
MERE BITS OF THINGS.

don't pine in your youth.
i Why is the keeper of a gambling house
like negros Because he is sustained by
black-egs.
How should a husband speak to &
scoldlng wife! "My dear | love thee
STILL"
Why is newly-born baby like gale
of wind? Because it begins with squat
CANT it wicked to rob this henroost
Jim? % '.Ah, Bob, that's great soca
question. Hand down t'other pulet."
THE latest style of ladies' hoops is guar
anteed ''to be of feminine lightness and
delicacy, and warranted not to cut the
limbs of attendant gentlemen"
A CORRESPONDENT wants to know
whether, considering the great utility OF
the ocean, poets are not wrong to call it q
"waste of waters"
EVERY girl who intends to qualify for
marriage should go through course Of
cookery. Unfortunately, few wives are
able to dress anything but themselves.
If you would have your laws obeyed
without mutiny, see well to it that they
are pieces of God Almighty's laws-oth-
erwise all the artillery in the world can
not keep down mutiny.- Carlyle.
ONE of the Western Editors speaking
of a large and fat contemporary remarked
that if all flesh was era he must be a
load of hay.
IL suspect I am," said the man, ''from
the way the asses are nibbing at me-"
N. B.-THE song commencing thus:
ga life on the ocean wave.
A home Oh the pillows risky,
Where the scattered senses rave,
And the stomach rejects its whisky
was not written by Dr.. Watts.
IT is generally observed that persons of
about forty years, especially young ladies
of that age, are very forgetful Of those
with whom thoy were acquainted in child
hood. This remarkable dimness of mem
DRY has been appropriately styled "The
darkness of the middle ages
WHEN Jemilna went to school she was
asked why the noun bachelor was singu-
lar. Because she replied, sit is so very
singular they don't get married"
JOHN asked Julia. if she would have
him. mo-" said she, 81 will not have
..a,.., La loe>ro Jobr oo,ld rooouar from,
the shock, she archIy putt, "butyou may
have me"
A SHORT time since, says the N. Y.
Tribune, John Van Buren, and other dig
nitaries were having a good time over
their wine and walnuts, at famous boar
ding house in this city, when the landladv
"a plump, rosy widow-came into the
room. ''Madam, what are your politics g.
asked one of the party. 81 am straight
out Silvcr-Gray Whig," she replied
"Look at her closely, gentlemen, remark
ed the Prince, ssfor | assure you the male
species of that animal is entirely extinct !"
The customers of a certain cooper out
west, caused him vast deal of vexation
by their shaving habits and persistence in
getting all their old tubs and casks repair
ed, and buying but little new work. II
stood it however" said he, until one dav
old Sam Crabtree brought in an old bung
hole to which he said he wanted new
barrel made. Then | Quilted the bushes,
in disgust
ONE of the editors of the Tribune has
been visiting the United States Supreme
Court at Washington, and says of the
nine Judges he saw there, eight of them
looked for all the world like a row of worn
out nurses, sitting in an Intelligence Off
ice,' waiting to be hired"
"SALLY," said green youth, in ven
cradle white hat and gray pants, thr ugh
which hislegs projected half-a-foot-'Sal-
", before we 90 this ere museum to see
the enchanted horse | want to ask you
sometin'." swell. Ichabod, what is it e.
"Why, YOU see this ere business is gwne
to cost hull quarter of a dollar piece,
and can't afford to spend SO much for
nothin'. Now, eff you'll have me, darned
eff don't. pay the hull ont myself
Wilt" Sally made a non -committal re-
ply, which Ichabod interpreted to suit
himself. and strobe up two steps at time,
and paid the whole ont.
A STUMP candidate for Congress during
his canvass, said Il helped to whip the
British and the Indians. | have slept on
the field of battle with no other covering
than the canopy of heaven. | have walk
ed over frozen ground till every foot>tep
was marked with blood" Just about this
time, one of the ''sove egns," who had
become very much aft c d by this tale OF
woe, walks up in front of the speaker wi
| ping the tears from his eyes with the ex.
tremity of his coat tail, and. interrupting
him says: aid you say you had fought
the British and the mines 2" Eyes" res
pended the revolutionary. "Did you say
you had slept on the ground whilst serv-
ing your country, without kiver!' Eyes,
sir, did," "Did You say you had fol
lowed the enemy ofyour country over fro
zen ground till very footstep was covered
with blood 2" "Yes." exultingly replied
the speaker. "WeIl then" says the sssov
ereign," as he gave a sigh ofpainful emo
ton ssI'Il be blamed if don't think yo,