The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1859-08-31
Destruction Railroad.

Ihe following Is good thing from
"Fisk's Family Journal" Young man
are you ticketed through on the above
named road? There are in the North,
West large number of directors:
The directors take pleasure in re-as-
suring numerous friends and parties that
the road to ruin is now in good ORDER
Within the last threo months il has car
ried more than three hundred thousand
passengers clear through from the town
of Temperance to the city of Destruction,
while the number of way passengers is
encouraging. An enormous amount OF
freight, such ms mechanics tools, house
hold furniture, and even whole farms,
have gone forward; and the receipts Of
the year have been so large that the di-
rectors have resolved to declare dividend
of 500 per cent. The track has been
much improved, and re-laid with Messrs.
Diabolus q Co.'S patent rail. The grades
are reduced 10 dead level, and the
switches reduced TO such perfection along
the route as to jerk the cars in a moment
from the main track, to avoid collision
with the Total Abstinence engine and the
Temperance trains which recently occa-
stoned so much trouble. In short, we
have spared no expense to make it supe-
rior to any other road to ruin ever estab-
lishod. 1t gives us great pleasure to call
the attention of the public to the improve
ments in our engines and cars. The old
favorite locomotive, Alcohol, has n fire.
chamber of double capacity, and patent
driving-wheels, after the fashion Of old
Juggernaut. Our wine-cars are models
Of luxrious conveyance, after the patterns
of the far famed London gin-palaces,
where ladies and gentleman of the first
water can have all attention. To keep
up with the spirit of the times, our
whisky, rum, and brandy cars have been
greatly enlarged, and fare reduced to half
price. Our cider, porter, and beer cars
are exhibiting great attention among the
children. Our experienced engineer Mr.
Belial, and our polite and gentlemanly
conductor, Mr.. Mix, have been too long
known to the travelling public to need any
commentator. Indeed, so swift and
sparkling are our trains that some have
called it "The flying artillery of death
let loose on EARTH" Tickets must be OBJ
tanned of Mr.. Mix, at the Drinkers Hotel,
where you may see the following extract
from our charter from government:
Licensed to lay a wise man low
Licensed n wife's fond heart TO brake,
And make her chidren's tears TO how.
Licensed to do thy neighbor harm;
Licensed TO foster hate and strife;
Licensed TO nerve the robbers arm;
Licensed to whet the murderers knife.
Licensed, where peace and quiet dwell,
| To bring disease and want and wo;
Licensed to make this world a hell
And Danish joy and peace below
REGULATIONS.
The down train leaves Ciderville at
A. NJ, Porterville at Z A. NJ, Beer
town at 8 A. NJ, Winoville at 0 a. NJ.
Brandyborough at 10 A. NJ, and Whisky
City at IL NJ.
The speed of the train will be greatly
increased as it proceeds; stopping, how
ever, to land passengers at Poorhouseville
Hospitaltown, Prisonburg, Gallowsville
etc.
On Sunday, cars will be ready as usual
especially for way passengers, until furth
er notice.
N. B.-All baggage at the risk of th'
owners, and widows and orphans are par
ticularly requested not to inquire afte
persons or property at ruin depot, as il
no case shall the directors hold themsolve
liable for accidents to passengers.
WIN. WHOLESALE, Pres.
RoBT. RETAIL, Vice Pres.