The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1859-06-08


pewter platter face, google eyes, white,
brown hair, and general air of Indigestion
sits on my chest munching gingerbread O,
sucking lollipops. That's my nightmare
l never get up in the morning to dress with
out turning all my pockets inside out, anc
shaking my boots, in confident expectation
of finding that baby incubus tucked away
in one of them. Babics-ughl ate sup
per little too late, last evening, and th'
baby, who sat on my chest all night after
went to bed, had head as large as prize
pumpkin, and two enormous fried oyster.
for eyes. And this morning, sir, my patti
has literally been paved with babies.
I called M An nswl{.marfied friend this morn
her, and sewing machine before her. She
was hemming cambria, and linen, and mus.
lin, and flannel bands-things about four
inches wide by eighteen long. You know
what they are for. got out Of the house
As soon as possible.
Called on Mrs. Prim. Most censorious
young woman, before marriage, I ever
knew. Seven months old baby in that
house. Nurse parading it for inspection by
six ancient tabbies. Cross-fire Of interes-
ting questions.
"'Now, you don't say so!'
"'Dear me, how stranger
"'Did the darling really have the Group a
week after it was born?'
"'How precious!'
"'And nails on all its fingers, and toes
too9
"'Well, who would have thought it?'
$50 Mrs. Prim who don't think admir-
ed the turn taken by the conversation, took
it from the nurse, and began SOLDERING
over it in the usual motherly way:
"A-che-ketchy! Did it know its own
mother? Of course it did, the minute it
saw her-and naughty nurse shan't have
it-no she shan't What a matter wild
owny, dony, precious darling? Fanny,
panny, dot pain in its pretty little
stomachs' 'Yowr
''Screech prelusive from infant blessing,
followed by series of unearthy pucker-
ings of the facial muscles, and contortions
Of the large lump Of putty called body
Yow-yow-yow.'
"'Zare, zare-nebber mind. It should
cry if it likes-so it shall. Show Mr.. Nor
ris its darling little tootsy -footsies, with the
socks gamma knit for baby
sand up came bunch of wooden in dan.
gerous proximity to my nose, and the next
instant the young screech-owl suddenly
ceased yowling 1t had taken fancy to my
scarf-pin, grabbed at it, and got it into its
mouth, and was sucking away at it and
| SOLDERING stream of infant saliva over the
bosom of my shirt. Herod of Jewry, when
he ordered the massacre of the innocents,
was in mild and Christian frame of mind
compared to mine. But perhaps you think
that was all? Pooh it was only the intro
duction to the amusement-the prologue Of
the baby play. ..--.-
"'Oh, you love babies sov cried Mrs
Prim. Children and little dogs always dis.
cover kind nature by intuition-animal
instinct. Fanny won't come away from
tsraKeT ThanRma owff pfJe3fodaWH5b Je3fodaWH5btbxx tx byds dswap
from her. Poor mamma kyp
"Pantomime expressive of lachrymose
state, and Miss Fanny Prim left in my arms
to enable mamma to ky l had much
rather some benevolent person had put a
porcupine in my arms. What could do !?
l had to keep hold of the little wretch.
dare not throw it in the fire or out Of the
window. l should have liked to. should
have considered myself as doing society a
service by the act; but the world is so in
famously prejudiced, it would probably
hang me or shut me up in lunatic asylum.
It's my fixed belief the whole human race
is at once the victim and the criminal of a
gigantic conspiracy to make everything de-
pend on-babies; and begin, and end,
and centre, and never get away from ba-
bies
"There was that baby Prim left in my
arms. The touch of the little serpent gave
me an ague. 1t recalled the worst mis-
fortune Of my life. grew weak in the
knees. couldn't stand for my life, so l
sat down. The baby was Rugged up to
me, still sucking away at the head of my
scarf-pin, and slavering and slobbering on
my clean shirt. That was bad enough,
but-Ehem! I've seen ill-behaved babies,
babies that squealed, and all that; but that
Prim baby was the most abandoned and in
decent baby l ever saw. Probably it got
| the head Of the scarf pin too far down its
avaricious throat, or had gorged itself with
lacteal fluid prior to its appearance that day
in public life. Something had evidently
disagreed with it; for all at once it let go the
pin, and let 60 over me, at the same minute,
perfect deluge, food, and cataract Of sour
milk.
"It came in my face.
"It dripped down my moustache.
ut spurted all over my coat and waist
coat.
'It inundated me with all the accumula.
ted horrors of that baby's insides. / was
sight, show, and smelt-great Heaven
l smelt as if had been lying month in q
swill- -barrelv'
/ Here Chessy Mort paused, and clutched
his hand as if he were squeezing no end O
imaginary babies to death in his grip.
i "And, sir" he went on, at the same tim'
folding his arms and rolling his eyes dia
bolically-'a land, sir, like martyr at ths
stake, bore it without flinching. smiled
rs the swil deluge swept over my person
| smiled as handed the internal brat bach
to the nurse The mother didn't touch her
OF course not. She was dressed to receive
morning calls, and that baby might hay,
vomited till it threw up the fancy Berlin
wool socks dear gamma knit it, before it
mother would have risked her fancy morn
ing dress on it.
That's motherly affection for you!
cynical people say the best article o
that kind is only skin deep. l never saw
it get through silk dress, or new cash
: mere morning-wrapper, white with ruby vel
!, vet facing-very becoming to blonde
] not convenient, however, nor improved
in appearance by contact with . sicl
baby. s
"But smiled. bowed myself smiling
ly out of the room, and, like Sir Pete
Teazle, left my character behind me-
, give you my honor have scarcely recover
ed from the nausea and horror brought OF
} me by that baby yet, although | have chang
cd every article Of my dress, taken warn
bath, and exhausted quart bottle Of Hun
: gary water and an equal amount Of Bouque
, d'Eugenie-- latter, by the way, deli
cious scent Of my own invention. Do yo'
perceive it? Did you ever smell anythinl
4 se d.,ln;n,,s 90 s-fs s@'th