Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1859-12-08
Jokes from an English Paper.

A wee laddie was brought before the Glas.
gov bailies, who asked, Where did you learn
so much wickedness 7" "Do YOU ken the
pump in Glassford street 2' NO" said the
/ baie Weel, then, do you ken the pump
in the Briggate 7" eyes, sure" was the reply
/ "Weel, then, gang there and pump as long as
ye like, for I'm hanged if ye pump me :"
WHAT Scor ONCE HEARD AN ENGLlshaAS
sAY.-We Border Adrcrtiser) once heard al
/ Engshnan giving his oster orders as follows.
Enry, take the arness hoff the orse, slip the
alter hover his cad, hand give bin some ay
and some hoats" '.
Foul Is FAIR-An unmarried miserable on
! the Wansbeck is suspected of having written
the following pithy poem on the ladies';
| Lazy, if tall If handsome. vain
Cross. grained, if small Shocking if plain.
One day beggar man, who had long been
known as the do-no-good of the place where
he lived, met another laden with two panniers
On asking what was in them, and being told
that they contained rags and bones, he ex-
claimed, " Well, then, toss me in, for I'm nowt
else"
Two countrymen went into a hatter's to buy
hat They were delighted with one, inside
the crown of which was inserted q looking
glass. What's the glass for 2" said one of
the men. The other impatient at such dis
play Of rural ignorance, exclaimed, What
for? Why, for the man who buys the hat to
see how it fits him, stupid"
WHY IS LUTHER REPRESENTED WITH Swan?
John Huss is represented with a goose, and
Luther with slcan ; and the explanation Civ
] II, L 18th III, Al
tation occurs, is, that John Huss (whose name
in Bohemian sgnfed goose) used to say,
Though they kill this goose, swan shall
come after me"-N0tes and Queries.
WHICH END OF TRoUBLE.-Not long ago
bridegroom returning home from his wedding,
was met by ffiend, who thus addressed him.
! We'll, Jack, I'm glad to see thee in thy hap
! py position, thou'st seen the end of thy trouble
now" Thank thee, lad" was Jacks an.
swer, 1" hope [ have" About a month af-
/ terwardS the two friends again met, when Jack
! speaking rather warmly, exclaimed, a" Bill
! thou teIled Inc a lie that morning got wed
! Didn't thou say I'd seen tn end of my trouble ?'
" did, said Bill " But l didn't tell thee
tchich end '-Fra>er's Magazine.
A green sprg from the Emerald Isle enter
! u
| brOgans. After overhauling his stock in trade
without being able to suit his customer the
Shopkeeper limited that he would make him a
pair to order. " An what'l ye ak to make
good pair of 'em ?" was the query. The price
was nomed, the Irishman demurred, bnt after
" batting down " the thing was trade
Paddy was about leaving, when the other call
ed after him, asking, But what size shall |
| L., FL. ~.
promptly, don't mind about the size at all
make them as large as We conveniently can
for the money"
Elder, will you have drink Of cider ?"
said a farmer to an old temperance man who
was spending au evening at his house "Ah
-hum-no-thank yc," said the old man.
II never drink any liquor ofany kind-'special-
ly cider but if you call apple juice, think
III take drop
A popular writer says that of all the trees
of our island the oak bears the palm" Doesn't
he forget the palm tree
We know an old medical practitioner, one
fourth physician and three-fourths quack. who
publishes that his great object in life is to
cxaIt his pr0lession' The only way in which
he can serve it is TO quit it.
An Irish coachman, driving past some har-
vest fields during the past week, addressing
smart girl engaged in shearing, exclaimed
" Arrah, my darling, l wish l was in Jail for
stealing ye y
An Irshman, on enlisting, was asked by
the recruiting officer, When you get into
battle, Paddy, will you fight or run +" "Ah,
faith, replied Pat, with a comical twist of his
countenance III be after don, yer honor, as
the majority of We does"