Worcester daily spy., 1859-02-25
GNortesttr DAILY spp.
From Chambers journal.
MY ALARMING WIFE.

IL,
that it is my bounden duty to leave my bed at
any hour or temperature, and to do battle with
the same, i'll very inadequate apparel. The
circumstances which attend Mrs. BIS alarms
are generally of the following kind
| am awakened by the mention of my bap-
tismal name, in that peculiar voice of which
has something uncanny in its very nature, be-
sides the dismal associations which belong to
it, from the fact of its being used only in melo-
dramas and sick rooms
"Henry, Henry, Henry"
How many times she has repeated this l
know not; the sound falls on my ear like the
tapping Of a hundred waves, or as the "Robin
Crusoe Robin Crusoe," of the parrot, smote
upon the ear of the terrified islander of Defoe;
but at last wake to view, by the dim freight,
this vision Mrs B. is sitting up beside me,
in a listening attitude of the very intensest
Kind her night-cap-one with cherry colored
ribbons, such as it can do no harm to speak
about-is tucked back behind either ear; her
hair, in papers, is rolled out Of the way upon
each side like banner furled; her eyes are
rather wide open, and her mouth very much
so her fingers would be held up to command
attention, but that she is supporting herself in
somewhat absurd manner upon her hands,
"Henry, did you hear that ?"
'What, my lovea"
"That noise. There it is again there
there p'
The disturbance referred to is that caused
by mouse nibblng at the wainscot; and /
venture to say so much in a tone of the deepest
conviction.
''No no. Henry; it's not the least like that:
it's file working at the bars Of the pantry
window. will stake my existence, Henry,
that it is a file"
Whenever my wife makes use of this partic-
ular form of words, | know that opposition is
useless. / rise, therefore, and put on my slip
pers and dressing gown. Mrs. B. refuses to
let me have the candle, because she will die of
terror if she is left alone without light She
puts the poker into my hand, and, with gentle
violence, is about to eXpel me from the cham
ber, when a sudden thought strikes her.
"Stop Bit Henry" she exclaims, "unti |
have looked into the cupboards and places :"
which she proceeds to do most infinitely in
vestigatng even the short drawers of a foot
and half square. l am at length dismissed
upon my perious errand, and Mrs. G. locks
and double locks the door behind me with
celerity that almost catches my retreatng gar
ment. My expedition, therefore, combines all
the dangers Of sally, with the additional dis
advantage of having my retreat into my own
fortress cut off. Thus cumbrously, but inef-
fectually caparisoned, perambulate the lower
stories of the house in darkness, in search of
that disturber of Mrs B. Is repose, which, / am
well convinced, is behind the wainscot of her
own apartment, and nowhere else. The pan
try, | need not say, is as silent as the grave
and about as cold. The great clock in the
kitchen looks spectral enough by the light of
the expiring embers but there is nothing there
with life except black beetles, which crawl in
countless numbers over my naked ancles
There is a noise in the cellar such as Mrs. B.
would at once identity with the suppressed con-
verse of anticipated burglars, but which l rec
ognize III moment as the dripping of the small
beer cask whose tap is troubled with a nervous
disorganization Of that kind. The dining room
is chill and cheerless a ghostly arm chair is
doing the honors of the table to three other
vacant seats, and dispensing hospitality in the
shape OF moudy orange and some biscuits,
which remember to have lett in disgust, about
-Hark the clicking of a revolver! No; the
warning of the great clock-one, two, three.
What frighttul noise it makes in the start
ed ear of night Twelve o'clock. | left this
dining-room, then, but three hours and half
ago; it certainly does not look like the same
room now. The drawing-room is also far from
wearing its usual snug and comfortable appear
ance. Could we possibly have all been sitting
in the relative positions to one another, which
these chairs assume Or, since we were
there, has some spiritual company, with no
eye to order left among them taken advantage
of the remains of our fire to hold ~
They are here even at this moment, perhaps,
and their gentlemen have not yet come up
from the diningroom. | shudder from head
to foot partly at the bare idea Of such thing,
partly from the naked fact of my exceedingly
unclothed condition. They do say that in the
passage which have to cross in order to get
to Mrs. B. again, my grand father walk y in
compensation, | suppose for having been pre-
vented by gout from taking that species of eX-
ercise while he was alive There are more
things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of
in your philosophy, l think as / approach this
spot; but do not say so, for | am well nigh
speechless with the cold-yes, the cold it is
only my teeth that chatter What a scream
that was There it comes again, and there is
no doubt this time as to who is the owner of
that terrified voice. Mrs. BIS alarms have
evidently taken some other direction. Glen
ry, Henry" she cries, in tones of a very toler-
cradle pitch. A lady being in the case, fly
upon the wings Of domestic love- along the
precincts sacred to the perambulations OF my
great-grand-father. l arrive at my wife's
chamber; the screams continue, but the door
is locked.
"Open, open," shout l. 'What on earth is
the matter :"
There is silence then mans voice-that
is to say, my wife's voice in imitation of a
mans-replies in tones of indignant ter0city
to convey the idea of life preserver being
under the pillow of the speaker, and ready
to his hand-"Who are you-what do you
want4"
"You very silly woman, l answer; notfrom
impoliteness butbecause find that that sort of
language recovers and assures her of my iden-
tity more than any other-"why, it's l."
The door is Their opened about six or seven
inches, and am admitted with all the precau-
ton which attends the entrance Of an ally in a
besieged garrison.
Mrs. b., now leaning upon my shoulder, dis
solves into copious tears, and points to the door
communicating with my attiring chamber
"Theres sur-sur-somebody been snoring
in your dressing-room," she sobs, "all the time
you were away"
This statement is little too much for my
sense of humor, and although sympathizing
very tenderly with poor Mrs. b., | cannot
help bursting into little roar Of laughter.
Laughter and fear are deadly enemies, and /
can see at once that Mrs. b. is all the better for
this explosion.
Consider, my love-" l reason-"consider
the extreme improbability of burglar or other
nefarious person making such a use of the few
precious hours of darkness, as to go to sleep in
them Why, too, should he take bedstead
without mattress, which believe is the case
In this particular supposition of yours, when
there were feather beds unoccupied in other
apartments Moreover, would not this be q
still greater height of recSlessness in such an
individual, should he have habit of snor'-
A slight noise in the dressing-room. occa
stoned by the Venetian blind tapping apains
the window, causes Mrs b. to bury her heaf
with extreme swiftness, ostrich-like. beneatl
the pillow, so that the peroration of NV arpn
,nant ie lost unOu her. | pntar III,