Muscatine weekly journal. [volume] (Muscatine, Iowa) 185?-1890, 1859-02-25
VOL. X---NO. 81.
WIT AND HUMOls .

J BEA- Why is six feet woman with g
baby like a certain outside garment Kase
she is u sal-ma.
Gy- In regard to late suppers, cause and
effect may be stated in single word at
tenuated-(at-ten-you,ate it.)
GTA fellow who got drunk on election
'!ay said it was owing to his efforts to put
down party spirits. lie vas II Democrat.
cy Jerry Diggs remembered his mise,ly
uncle in his will for he bequeathed "to nv
mothers brother gun flint and knife to
skin it with.''
Byron was di.enchanted when lie saw
his tnamOrnta eating. In other words. he
faltcred when youth aud beauty were at
steak.
So Dutcl man being asked how often
he shaved replied, "Dree times Il week, eff.
cry tay bat Sooneay; den | shaves every
tay."
CO AN ANGELIC EDIroR. - The West
Point (Miss) Locomotive is edi' ell By John
D.. Angel. lie is supposed TO be one of the
recording angels.
CV Quaker's admcnition to man who
wa. pouring forth volley of ill.lany,,aqe
to him was: "Have a care, m.y friend, thou
mayeSt run thy face against my fist!'
GT"IIere's Webster on bridge, >, said
Mrs. harrington, as she handed Ike the
dictionary. ''Study it contentivelv. and
you will gain good deal of inflamation.n
say A lady having written letter, con.
GUIDED it as follows: 'Give everybody's
love to everybody, SO that nobody may be
asgseved .by any body being forgotten by
W "Bubby, why don't you 60 home and
have your mother sew up trowsers %
"Oh, 90 along, old woman our folks are
economzing, and hole will last longer
than patches"
a. The latest case of absence of mind
Is that OF ship carpent r, who bit off the
end OF copper spike and drove plug ct
tobacco into the vessels bottom. lie did
not discover his mistake till the ship spit in
his face.
# An Australian, from the number of
murders committed in that auriferous re-
gion, thinks that Melbourne must be the
place Shakespeare speaks of when lie says,
"that bourne from which no traveller re-
turns.'
Gy a boy at school in the West. when
called upon to recite his lesson in history.
was asked ,-"What is tile German Diet
composed of?' The boy replied, ''Saurkraut,
schDappS, lager beer and nix cumarouse.''
Boy promoted instanter.
BREsIry. The way they engage pretty
sehool-'Iarms up in Berkshire, Ma.sachn-
setts, is thus related by an aged district
asent: ~ axed Ler and she fused ax'd
her agin and she 'frsed-I ax'd her ag'in
and she scented, and | gagged her."
A miner in California, that puts up At a
''hrst class hotel" near McCullech's Gulcb,
IN writing home, says, they mix buckwheat
cakes in wash tub, and turn them, when
baking, with garden spade This certain
ly smacks of progress.
The expressive and familiar phrase
"Wait for the. Wagon" is now thus classi-
caily rendered-"Delay yonr departure,
until the arrival of the time honored. four
wheeled vehicle, which will obvato the me-
cessty OF your pedestrian abilities being
tested."
H A Frencliman built four story
house adjoining his Dutch neiglbor,s two
story house. Being on the roof of'their res.
Pective houses, the one on the low house
cries out to the other, "WIat for yon build
so high dare?" To which the Frenehman
replied, DE ground ees very cheap up here.''
A eouatry girl, c. ming from the field,
was told by her cousin that che looked a.
fresh as daisy kissed with dew.
"Well," said she :: it wasn't ANYBODY bv
that name, but it was Harry Jones that
kissed me; told him that every one in the
village would find i. out"
ca Fanny Fern Gays, ''if one-ialf of the
girls knew the previous life of the men thev
marry the list of old maid. would be won.
derfnlly increased" ," and the Boston Post
add: that if the men could only look into
the future life of the women they marry the
numl'er OF old maids would be greatly ad.
vanced.
W Smythe came home "glorious," anil
took 1t into his insane head to try a cold
soup-the remains Of his dinner-before
going tn bed. His wife heard him fumbling
about for while in vain endeavoring to
find it. At last he' said "Wife is that ere
soup tied up in anything, or is it lying
around loose?o
W A Dutclman, in one of the middle
counties of Pennsylvania, wanted a minister
to preach ct his child's fun cral, and wasn't
unreasenably particular as to who CAME
"Chon," said he, ego and tell the circus
preacher to come, and if he can't come. den
get tee locust preacher, and if the locust
preacher can't come, why den you get the
extortioner." Iexhor:er.D
T A Dutchman undertook to tell about
a fine new barn his brother had Just finished
over on "White Ground" and this is tho
way he did it.:
s'Boter has great large parn pilt over on
to White Crount-'tis not puilt yet, bat
den te posts be tere, un& der shingles he tere;
and he's sold 'em all agin, but den he can
Iuy more"
PsoeAsLY AN OLD Bachelor ADVERTISE
MEyr.-The following advertisement appeal rs
in the New York Herald:
s'Board and Repose WaMed--Tn some
sensible family, uninfe<tcd witlleats, poodle
dogs, canary birds, Juveniles, ipwsharp..
old maids, scheming widows,
feminine hopefuls, with matel,-seeking
ma,nmas, or other nuisances. Hot dinner
on Sunday. Terms not to exceed $50 per
month. Address Comfort Seeker, Bentleys
Despatch, Madison Square.
HARD TIMES iNDEED.-Lately in Glasgow.
a worthy old woman W IS laid upon her bed,
sick and faint. She had long been troubled
with predictions for strong waters, and
many schemes and plans did sl Q try to OBJ
tain small amount of thes, comforts. IA
a last and desperate re-onrce, she sent her
wee lassie to the pnhic house with her
bible and sundry explanations. The las.ie
came back as she went. "IIecl,, sir" ex
exclaimed the worthy old woman, "its fear
ful times when they neither take my word
nor the word of God for two gills Of whis-
key"
GENUINE ENTHusIAsM.-What chilly.
looking place! A back settlement in MI