The Ashland union. [volume] (Ashland, Ashland County, Ohio) 1854-1868, 1859-10-26
DIVORCED BIZ MISTAKE.


Jones had bad wife and was in love with a
pretty woman--he wished to be divorced from |
his bad wife, so that he might marry the pref !
ty woman, who BY the way was widow, with
black ewes, and such a forml Therefore Jones
came to Trenton for q divorce /
Smith had a good wife, good as an angel,
and the mother of ten children, and Smith
did not want to be bediyoreed; but did want to
get charter for a turnpike or plank road to
extend from Pigs Run to Ttrrapine Hollow.
Well, they,ew these different errands
came to Trenton, ard addressed the assembled
wisdom with tie usual arguments. First, sup
pers mainly composed of oysters with rich
back ground of venison; second, liquors in
great plenty, from Jersey lightning" which
is kind Of locomotive at full speed, reduced
to liquor shape, to Newark champagne.
To speak in plain prose, the diverse mann
gave champagne supper, and Smith, the
turnpike man, fol Owed with champagne
breakfast, under the modifying influence of
! divorce and turnpike bills--and Jones and
Smith, a copy of each bill in their pockets,
went rejoicing home, ever miles of sand, and
through the tribulaion of many stage-coaches.
! l-Smlth arrived home the evening, and as
he sat down in his parlor, his pretty wife be-
side him-how pretty she did look-and five
of he children overhearing, The other five
studying their lessons in the corner of the room
Smith was induced to expatiate upon the good
result of his mission to Trenton.
ssA turnpike, my dear; 1 am one of the Di-
rectors, and will be president. 1t will set me
up, love; we can send our children to the board
ing school, and live in style out of the TOLL
Here is the charter honey"
s.Let me see it," said the pretty little wife,
who was one of the incest of wives, with plump
ness and goodness dmpling all over her face,
.slet me see it," as she leaned over Mr.. Smiths
shoulder.
But all at once Smiths visage grew long;
Smiths wifes vjsage grew black. Smith was
NJ profane, but now he ripped out an awful
oath. --,-~-
"Blast us, wife, those internal scoundrels at.
Trenton have gone and divorced us!"
It was too true; the parchment which he
held was a bill of divorce, in which the names
of Smith and Smiths wife appeared in fright
fully legible letters
Of her apron
"Here is TURNPIKE" she said, sadly, "and
with the whole of our ten children starting me
in the face, amt your wife! Here's turn
pike"
'.Blast the pike, aud the Legislature and
Well, the fact is that Smith, reduced to sin
| gle blessedness, enacted into stranger to his
own wife, swore awfully. Although the nj ght
was dark, and most Of the denizens of Smiths
town rad gone to bed, Smith bid his late wife
to put on her bonnet, and arm in arm they
proceeded to the clergyman of their church.
Goodness bless me-" exclaimed the good
man as he saw them enter, Smiths wife wiping
her eyes with the corner of her apron-"good-
ness tell me, what's the matter"
| lln k,,,o
right off, replied Smith.
"Marry you!' calculated the clergyman,
with expandid fingers and awful eyes; 'sare you
drunk or what is the matter with you?"
However, he finally married them over
straghtway, and would not take fee. The
fact is, grave as he was, he was diving to be
alone, that he might give vent to suppressed
laugh tha, was shaking him all over; and Smiths s
wife went joyfully home and kissed all of their
children. The little Smiths never new that
their father and mother had ever been made
strangers to each other by Legislative enactment
| Meanwhile, and on the same night, Jones
returned to his native town-Burlington, be-
| lieve-and sought at once the fine black eyes
which he had hoped shortly to cAl his own. The
pretty widow sat on the sofa, white kerchief
tied ,a-lessly about her round white throat,
her black hair laid in silky waves against each
rosy check.
"Divorce is the word,'' cried Jones, playfully
patting her double chin; ''the fact is, Eli5a, I'm
rid of that cursed woman, and you and I'll be
married tonight. know how to manage those
scoundrels at Trenton. A champagne supper
or was it breakfast?-d:d the business for
them. Put on your bonnet, and let us go to
the preachers at once, dearest"
The widow, who was among widows as peach
es among apples, put on her bonnet and took
Jones arm, and.
"Just lock how handsome it is put on parch-
ment" cried Jones, pulling out the document
before her; t'heres the law that says that Jacob
Jones and Ann Carolina Jones two"
Putting her plump gloved hand on his shoul-
der she did look at it.
cob DEAR" she said, with her rosy lips, and
sank back, half fainting on the sofa.
| s'Oh, blazes!'' cried Jones, and sank beside
her r,;stling the fatal parchment in his hand;
"heres a-lot of happiness and champagne gone
to ruin"
| 1t was hard case. Instead of being dfvorc-
ed, and at liberty to marry the widow, Jacob
Jones vas simply, by the Legislature of New
Jersey. incorporated into turnpike COT rpany,
and what made it worse authorized to run from
lington to BRISTOL When YOU reflect that Bur
lington and Bristol are located Just mile
apart. on opposite sides of the Delaware river
you will observe the extreme hopelessness of
Jones case.
"Its all the fault of that turnpike man who
gave them the chamnagne supper-or was it
the breakfast" cried Jones, in agony off
they'd charter me to run turnpike from Pigs
Run to Terrapine Hollow. I might have borne
it; but the very idea of building turnpike
from Burlington to Bristol bears an absurdity
on the face of it."
| So it did.
"Apd you amt divorced" said Eliza, tear
running down each cheek
"No!' thundered Jones, crushing his hat be-
tween his knees, Sand what is worse. the legis-
lature is adjourned, and gone home drunk; and
won't be back to Trenton till next year!"
! It was hard case.
| The mistake % occurred on the last day Of
| the session. when legislators and transcribine