The River Falls journal. (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1857-1861, 1859-08-24
@APEemas yVaTss's;t Fourth OF
JnEy Grafton.

"Artemas Ward" the quaint Western
humorist, publishes his Fourth of July
Grafton in The Cleveland PlaindealorwIth
the following preiace:-
"SURs: l send herewith synopsis of
the skedyule of my orashun on the 18th
of july, at Wethersfed. Plaes correct
the speiIn q punktooate it in proper stile.
| spoke two hours, d was ninety-sjx min
utes passn given pint. There was
between two hundred persons present, who
with open mouths and closed eyes listen
cd to me with strck attenshun.'
The Grafton itself is a perfect gem, and
one OF the b est things that ''Artemas' has
yet gotten of. We subjoin an extract or
Two. After the usual apostrophe to the
Goddess Of Liberty, he says:--
II hint time to motifs tho growth of
Ameriky frum the time when the May
flower cum over in the Prilgrim and browt
Plymouth Rock with them, but every
skool boy nose our kareer has been ire
meniis. You will excuse me if [ don't
praso the erly settlers Of the Kolonies.-
People which hung idiotic old wmin fur
witches, burnt holes in Quakers' tongues,
and consigned their felIer-critters to the
tredml and pilery on the slightest pro-
voeashun may have been very nice folks
in their way, but must confess I don't
admire their stile, and will drop them all.
l sposo they ment well, and SO in the nov
ell and techin langwidge Of the nusepapers,
peas to their ashis.' There was no dis
| kount, however, on them brave men who
fit, bled and died in the American Reyo-
lushun. We needn't be afraid Of setting
them too steep. Like my Show, they
will stand heep of prazc.
81 see mulch to admire in New Eug-
ian. Your gals in particular air abowt as
snug bilt peaces of Calliker as [ ever saw.
They air fully equal 70 the corn fed gals of
Ohio and Injianny, and will make the
bestest kind of wives. 1t sets my -Buzzum
on fire TO look at 'em.
BE still my sole. be still,
d you, Hart, stop cutting up!
Which aGectin lines is either from the
pen Of Goyner Morrill, Of Maine, Or Doctor
Watts, and disremember which. [ like
your sko-l houses, your meotin houses,
your enterprise, guinpshun, &C., but your
fayorite Bevrige despisc. I alludo to
New Englan Rum. Il is wuss nor the
kind Of whisky of Injianny, which eats
threw stun jugs & will turn the stummack
Of the most shittl:s Hog. Iseldum seek
consoIasbun in tie flowing Bole, but
tother day l wurrid down sum of your
Rum. The fust glass induced me to
swear like intooliatcd trooper. On TAX
in the suc&und glass ! was seezed with a
desire to brake winders, & after imbib-
in the third glass kaocbt small boy
down, pjckt lis pocket OF a New York
Ledger, aad wildly commenced 1eadin of
Sylyanus Kobb's last Tail. [ verify do
bleeve that ifIde bistid in another glass
[ shood hav bin desporit enuif to attack
the Mount Vernon Papers.
''Its drcfiul stutf-2solt Of lickwid lit
enin got up under the personal supervisor
TN OF the devil-teals mems inards all TO
peaces, and makes their noses blossufn as
the Lobster. Shun it rs you wood
wild hyenny with fire brand tied to his
tale, & while you ere abowt it you will do
a first rate Ting fur yourself and every
body abowt you by shunnin az kinds of
intoxicatin lickers. You don't need 'em
no MORN cat needs 2 tales saying moth
ing abowt tho trouble and suffering they
cawse. But unless your innards air cast
iorn avoid New England's fayolito Bev-
rge. Ny friends line dun. [ tear N.Y.
self away from you with tears in my eyes
d pleasant oder Of Onyuns abowt my
close. In the laogwidge of Mister Cater
line to the Romuns, go but perhaps l
shall cum back agin. Adoo, pepIo of
Wethersfeld. Be yirtoous & you'll be
happy.