The Yazoo Democrat. [volume] (Yazoo City, Miss.) 1858-18??, 1859-01-15
A LoAFER,s EXPERIENCES.

An original specimen of the loafer tribe
was arrested as vagrant BY one of our Me
tropoltans and brought before Justice Os
born. On being asked the usual questions,
how he obtained livelihood, he told the
following doleful story;
l am not to blame, your Honor, because |
cam earn living. | never did earn my
bread. l have heen unfortunate all my life.
Even when baby, | lost part of one of my
ears, by falling out of the cradle on the
sharp side of a dilapidated coal,hod After.
wards, at various times, fell into kettle
of hot soapsuds, pulled barrel of potatoes
on my head, and cooked the whole of my
internal machinery by drinking boiling
water from the spout OF the tea>kettle. In
deed, | met with the usual assortment of
boyish msfortunes, besides the usual acci,
dents which happen to all masculine juve-
niles, Of being blown up with gunpowder on
the Fourth Of July, and breaking heir legs
sliding down hill on Christmas
At one time | had my right hand mutla-
ted by a planning machine, had my hair cut
off by circular saw, was carried from the
cellar to the fourth story of cotton factory,
heels upwards, on the hook of the hosting
rope, which had caught in my pantaoons-
was whired round machine drawn by a
gutta percha belt, which tangled in my hair,
and which revolved me for fifteen minutes
at the rate of seven times second, lost two
f1gers in threshing machine, had nv foot
mashed by Third avenue car, and was once
run away with by locomotive engine, which
/ had started and didn't know how to stop.
When it came time for me to 20 into bust
ness for myself, set up in the apple and
peanut trade; but the boys kicked over nv
stand and stole all my stock. I then ac-
qulred a new capital by begging pennies on
tue corners, and went into the ballad bust
ness. | arranged my literary stock on the
curbstone, but high wind scattered my
hopes and my songs together; I saw chin,
ney sweep walk IF with Jessie, the Flower
of Dumblane; fat countryman stamped
The Bold Soldier Boy, Mary Blame and The
Seven Ages into the mud ragged news
boy ran around the corner with Kathleen
Mavourncen; candy girl eloped with Ben
Bolt, the Yankee Sailor and Lord Lowell !:
the rest of my property disappeared in like
manner, and all that was left to me was
single copy of Billy L1ckaday, and two Of
Beautiful Jenny traded Billy for penny
cigar, which | lighted with Beautiful Jenny
and prepared to start in life again. then
went into the plaster.image business, but
the boys spoiled my assortment by stealing
my Napoeons to throw stones at, and alb,
stractng all my Greek Slaves to practice at
with peashooters. The fish traffi, proved
no more profitable; my old enemies, the
boys, stole all the Holsters while was eating
the clans to keep them from spelling, and
my porges got fly blown before I could find
no customers. tried cobbing shoes, but
left the pegs too long in the inside. | also
essayed gardening and got a situation, but
the first day pulled up the young cabbages
and left the pig.weeds, transplanted the
tulips into the onion bed, and cut up the
rose bushes, under the impression that they
were last years pea brush-the unreasonable
man discharged me. Since that, have
been street,sweeper, bill.sticker. bill.
lard marker, have set up pins in bowling
alley, cleaned cells in the market, and have
failed in all through my adversities I have
even tried to be gentleman and a scholar
If have failed in this also, cannot help it,
have done my best. I am the victim of
hard and bitter, unrelentiug fate. My edu-
cation have picked up as best I could.
learned to read theatre bills from the news
men, and picked up my eloquonce by hang
ing about the Court-rooms.