The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1859-01-27
aWit Mud Nnm0r.
A Parody.


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A fellow was told at tailors shop that three
yards Of cloth, by being wet would shrink one
quarter Of a yard. "Well, then" he inquired,
eff you would wet quarter Of yard, would
there be any left ?'
A waiter at fashionable hotel the other day,
requested boarder ifhe needed his services to
fjust agitate the communication" Previous to
the rapid march of intellect "please to ring the
bell, !" would have been the phrase used.
" Come here, sissy" said young gentleman
to little girl, to whose sister he was paying his
addresses; "you are the sweetest thing on earth"
No amt" she replied, {" sister says you are
the sweetest" The gentleman popped the
question" the next day.
Gave Him Up" Are you an Odd Fellow 2"
No, sir, I've been married for week"
" mean, do you belong to the Order of Odd
Felows?"
No, no, belong to the Order of Married
Men"
Mercy, how, dumb Are you Mason 2"
No. am carpenter by trade"
Worse and worse, are you Son of Tenn
perance 2"
Bother you, no, / am son of Mr. John
Gosing"
The querist went away
A Cincinnati reporter says of very elegant
female pickpocket: She rarely speaks to any
one; is always quiet, genteel comes like sun
beam, and like it, steals noiselessly away.
There are no women nowadays, instead of
women we have towering edifce of silk, lace and
flowers. Punch
All well, Mr.. Punch, ifyou ransack one of
those edifces thoroughly, we guess you will find
women somewhere about. Prentice
~A~
The greatest instance of impudence on record
is that a Yankee, who, in an italian city, stop
ped religious procession in order to light his
cigar from one of the holy candles Ere the
procession recovered from its establishment, the
audacious smoker had calmly disappeared
"Love in cottage" is all very well when you
own the cottage, and have money out at interest.
The lady who was in the habit of standing on
her dignity, came very near losing her balance.
A wag was one day speaking of two of his
acquaintance who had gone West, where the
newcomers were usually attacked the first sea-
son with the ague, and said he
Of 4Loca fu,o mon will ho of1iofnd ~.
"Why not :" inquired bystander.
Because" was the reply, one of thdm is too
lazy to shake, and the other won't shake unless
he gets pay for it,
The gentlest task master we ever knew, is a
blacksmith, who says every evening to his ap-
prentices,-
Come, boys let's leave off work and goto
saving wood |"
He must be brother othe down east farmer,
Who one season, when he was building new
house, usedto get his hired help out to play dig
cellar by moonlight.
Gentleman and ladies, said the Snowman, here
you have a magnificent painting of Daniel in the
lions den. Daniel can be easily distinguished
from the lions by the green cotton umbrella un-
der his arm.
An editor down east thinks children's games
| are becoming popular with older persons now
days, as he has seen several gentlemen chasing
hoops in our streets.
Madame" said old Roger to his board
inghouse keeper, " in primitive countries beef
is often legal tender but, madame" said he
emphatcaAy, thrusting his fork into the steak,
''all the law in Christendom couldn't make this
beef tender"
A man observed of his wife at party the 9TH
er evening, that she was beautiful, dutiful,
youthful, plentiful, and an armfuI!
An Englishman's unch-A slice Of IAN, six
heggs, and quart of hale.
-
The great beauty of a wife is, that if she
abuses you herself, she wont let any one else
abuse you.
"Hallo, boy, did you sec rabbit cross the
road there just now 2"
I" A rabbit"
Yes be quick rabbit !"
"Was it kinder gray varmint 7 i"
eyes Eyes !"
"A longish creter with short tail?"
eyes, be quick or he'll, gain bis burrow."
LoL 4