Civilian & telegraph. [volume] (Cumberland, Md.) 1859-1875, 1859-07-07
Wit aah BumOr.

| QUICK ON THE TaIGGER-"Y ou will please
observe" said old Mr.. Lambwell, as he led
US through his school the other day, "that
the boys are required to observe the utmost
attention to quie.ness as well as to dcipline."
We had at this moment arrived in front
of several boys standing around a wafer
bucket, and one had just charged his mouth
with the contents Of the cup, while the old
gentleman was STOPPING over to recover his
pen from the floor, when another passing IL
| long behind, snapped his fingers quick under
the driuker' ear, and caused him ON sudden
to eject the contents of his mouth over the
pedagogue's bald pate. Standing upright,
with his face and hair dripping the master
shouted: .,..
"Who done that?"
The party unanimously cried out,
"Jim Gun, sir, - ..
flames Gun, what did you do that for2"
jim, appalled, ut the mischief he had done,
muttered that It was not his fault--that Tom
Owen snapt him.
This changed the direction of old LAMB
wells wrath, and shaking his caine porten-
tiously over Ovens head, he asked
"Did you snap Gun?"
The culprit trembling with fear, fnuttei-
ed,
eyes sir, snapt Gun--jm didn't know
hat he acas loaded.
They that laugh at everything, aud they
that fret at everything, are fools alike.
Love matches are often formed by people
who pay for month Of honey with life Of
vinegar.
"Ahl my dear, how came you so wet?" in
qured an affectionate mother of her son.
Why ma, one of the boys said darseut
jump into the creek, and by gosh, tell you
aint to be dared.
"Papa," said precocious boy, "why do
the Puseyites burn candles?" "Why Tom"
replied the matter-of-fact-governer, 81 sup
pose they ere in the dark"
A pretty girl and wild horse are liable
to do mach 'tnflischief; for the one runs away
with a fellows body, and the other runs away
with his heart
The Chqriva,f of Vienna publishes cara
feature representing Louis Napoleon as the
barber Figaro, shaving Austria. Prussia on
one side holds the towel, and England the
soap. Russia, who has just been shaved
clean, stands behind, and pointing to En-
gland and Prussia, says, ."Help him, gentle
menl Your turn will come"
AN "ArTACkMENT. &c Madam, has your
| piano an IEolian attachment" asked Sam,
the other night, of the wife of man who ap-
peared to live fully up to, if not beyond his
means. .
"Hnshl" whispered Seth in his car, cit has
sheriff's attachment"
Sam dropped the the subject.
The following epitaph was taken from
| tombstone in Sterling Mass:
GAS she on her bed of sickness lay,
Her friends stood weeping round;
| She not word to them could say.
No medicine could they got down."
DR.. Parr when boy at Harrow, had by
intense study acquired so old a looking face
for his age that ono day Sir William Jones
said to him, jokingly "Parr, if you should
have the luck to live forty years, you NAV
stand a chance of overtaking your faco.
One very cold night village doctor was
reused from his slumbers by very, loud
knocking at the door. After some hesitation
| he went to the window and asked, 'whos
there?" "a friend" "Wbat do yoa want2"
"1'o stay here all night" 'Stay, then
and welcome" was tho betcyo1ent reply, IA
he closed the window and crcpt again tJ
bed.
DR. Whewell, walking in Mr. Hamiltou's
garden at Gotham, expressed his surprise at
the prodigious growth Of the trees. "My dear
sir" replied Mr.. Hamilton, remember they
have nothing else to do
AN ENGLIsiiSaAn S ToEA OF FRAsERs RIv-
ER.-"My hopinion is, the mining season is
too bloody short-the blarsted winter is too
long. and in Summer tho river is too 'iigh
ya M un what a p,ap hax To- Il
ere, hany 'ow."
Mr.. Jones says his estate lies in ring
fence, and points to his wife's left hand.