, 1859-09-16


1t is not often that o man will suffer himself to
be tamely posted as q coward, even in the circunl-
scribed sphere Of an obscure watering place; and
/ cannot but anticipate some share OF contempt
while l go step beyond that degradation, and
acknowledge myself thus, before the whole world
Of fashion, "a coward-a most scandalOus cow
ard" 1t is, however, with the hope Of changing
that contempt into something Of more respectful
feeng-it is in the sincere expectation of exciting
some degree Of sympathy, that have brought my
self to make the avOwal.
/ was born the heir Of most respectable and
wealthy family, and entered life under auspices Of
the most favorable description; but before had
well quilted my nursery, an event occurred which
has marred every Aattering prospect, which entered
like canker into my very soul, and has tinged
every successive stage Of my life with misery and
contempt
l was about four years of age when my paternal
grandmother died: she had been excessively fond
Of ne, and would scarcely suffer me to be mo-
ment from her side need not describe the feel
ings which this affection awakened within me.
returned her love with the fervor and artessness Of
childhood, and l still cling to her memory with
lOndness which, amidst the contumely have been
iated to endure has survived nearly all the kindly
feelings Of the heart, and which in its purity and
innocence imparts to my solitary moments the most
pleasurable sensations enjoy. She is before me
now, in the dignity Of seventy winters her tall
figure scarcely less bent than in youth her cheek
still flushed with the hue Of health her mild blue
eyes beaming kindly on me and her perfectly
white hair turned above forehead fair amidst its
wrinkles. 1t was my delight to sit at her feet
whilst she was employed in the homely occupation
Of knitting; and to listen to her stories Of our an
cestOrs, or Of her own adventures with the rebels
in the A. when they occupied, for time, her
fathers house In the north. remember particu-
lary the description Of the horror she felt short
time afterwards, on entering Carlisle in recognizing
over the city gatGs the heads Of several OF these
guests. This kind friend and companion Of my
infancy died suddenly, and her fate was kept secret
from me; my inquiries were met with the assur-
ance that my grandmnmma would speedily return,
and with this assurance they contrived to paciiy
me. One day, however, while the servant was alb
sent, happened to want a toy which recollected
had len in my grandmOther's room, and proceeded
tkither unobserved, to fetch ii. On entering the
apartment, was surprised by the sight Of what
appeared to me q handsome chest, and, with the
curiosity natural to a child, / climbed on the bed
stead TO examine it, lifted the covering, and
gazeSl for moment in mute astOnishment at the
unexpected appearance and situation of my be-
loved relative At first l endeav0red to awaken
her by calling onher name vexed at her continued
silence, impatiently seized her hand its icy cold
ness went to my heart, and the heavy manner in
which II dropped from my myreleasing grasp increased
my astonishment. At length lifted the eyelids,
and the cold fixed gaze which fell upon me com
plct,d my terror, and forced from me scream
whichsummOncd the attendants, who bore meaway,
and explained TO me the work Of death.
From this moment the cause which had wrought
this dreadful change became the ruling sentiment
Of my mind. l listened attentively to every mar.
rative Of the progress Of sickness and death, and
the most fatal diseases became objects Of terrible
anticipation to me. frequently woke in the mid
die Of the night: the silence and the darkness were
associated in my mind with death and the grave,
and shrieked in agony lest should die before the
morning.
My Imagination, thus fearfGlly excited. Outstrip-
ped my years; and was sent 10 public school,
in the hope that the bustle the emulation, and the
apusemcnts Of such a scene would produce fa-
vorable effect upon my mind; but the shaft had
struck too deeply-the impression was never to be
efaced never joined in the sports Of my com
panions, for we could not play without quarrelng
fighting was the natural consequence Of these con-
tests / had heard too much Of the fatal conse-
qucnces Of an unlucky blow to venture battle
with even the least boy in the school, ! was con
sequently surrounded by o host Of tyrants; and
happy was the day on which q share Of the little
me an exemption from unmerited blows. My time
was spent in solitary misery in retired corner Of
the playground, where sat continually br0Oding
over the horrors Of DEATH and lnOw wonder that
my senses did not yield to the terrible creations Of
my fancy. Sometimes ] scarcely slept for weeks,
for fear should fall into trance, and be buried
while alive; at other times ! imagined that this
catastrophe had already taken place, and that the
passing sceDewas but dream from which Ishould
awake to die amidst the sitting solitude Of my
tomb. Frequently was so oppressed with the
reality Of these fears, that have poured out my
soul in agony to God, and prayed that might
never be conscious Of the awinlness Of my doom.
In these dreadful fancies, and such as these were
passed my hours Of leisure, and protest that the
recollection Of them is terrible to me even now.
However, passed through the several forms Of
the school with the greatest credit and was sent to
Oxford.
Thithcr my character followed me, and became
the butt and scapegoat Of the whole university:
my name was given To the proctor by every jacka-
napes who was detected in any iregularity; IL a
man had a noisy party in his rooms, and was dcsi-
rous Of escaping the consequences, mine was the
oak which was battered till they obtained entrance,
and mine the port that was swallowed till the
morning brought a headache and an indispOsiti0n.
At length my name became associated with 20
many breaches Of discipline, that my father was
advised tormove me, in order TO prevent the adOp-
ton of harshr measures; but, so far from being
dissatisfied with my conduct, the old gentleman
applauded my spirit, and FejOcd to see me changed
from the pusillanmOus character which formerly
bore. SO completely were his views with inspect
to mo altered. that he dcciiel should enter my
uncles regiment Of hone! Ny fathers commands
had never dared to dispute. hut this sounded like
a sentence Of death TO M. anil appeared totally
impossible TO BE- carried into eitct. A regimen,
Of horael Why. had never mounted the little
quiet pony which carried me round the park with
out fears loF the salty Or my neck. and I bad
Fortunately however,, as then cansideFed IT, thrGe