The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1859-03-16
ITEMS.

DfhLH IL sdlu W Dc, luiS - my lIlcuu,
if he steals anything from you ] am re-
sponsible for it,"
I'll say, mister, how came your eyes
40 crooked" "Why, by sitting between
two girls, and trying TO make love to
both at the same time"
-" Illustrated with CUTS" said a
young urchin, as he drew his Jack-knife,
across the leaves of his grammar. ell
Illustrated with cuts" said the master, as
he brought his birch to bear upon the
shoulders of the witty urchin.
A DOUBLE GIRL.-In Huntsville, Ala,
there is double girl! She has two heads,
two tongues, four arms, and four legs, but
one trunk, stomach, DC. The junction
takes place at the waist.
- An exchange tells of an editor who
went soldering and was chosen Captain.
One day at parade, instead of giving the
orders "Front face, three PAGES forward"
he exclaimed, "Cash two dollars year,
in advance"
WHAT DID IT.-Peter McCormic, a
young man living at Portage, Wisconsin,
got drunk at n saloon, spent all his mon
ey, was turned into the street, was run
over by the cars and killed Rum did
il
SPuReEoN.-Mr. Sturgeon is to come
An acquaintance Of one of the editors of
the N. Y. Journal of Commerce was
told by Mr.. S. on New Years day, in
London, that he intended to visit the
United States in March. .
The PRINTER.-The master of all
trades. He beats the farmer with his
fast HOE, the carpenter with his RULE,
and the mason with his tall COLUMNS; he
surpasses lawyers and doctors in atten-
ton to his CASE, and beats the parson in
his management Of the DEVIL.
- A few days ago lawyer gave an
insult to the Judge Of the Court of Com
mon Pleas, at Logansport, Ohio, while on
the bench, whereupon the Judge got at
once from his seat, and, going into the
bar, gave the chap sound drubbing.
A. HEAVY CoLLEcTIoN.-In N. York,
last Sunday evening, at the close of the
annual missionary services in st. Paul's
Methodist Episcopal Church, the congre-
cation contributed ten thousand dollars
to the missionary cause, in addition TO a
recent contribution of $4,000.
Mrs. Partington inquired the other
day if we thought the apples of The eye
would make good "sassp We thought
not, but recommended tho apples of dis
cord for pies. She bowed gratefully and
asked us to try some of her jam from the
eurraats of the sea. Wo wdived the in
vitation.
TIE SKATING FURoR.-some ladies walking
in Chelsea, Mass, recently, observed a young
girl crying bitterly in the street. On being ques-
toned as to the cause Of her trouble, Miss PAN
talettes explained that she had been sorely dis
appointed at being prevented from indulging in
skating, because her grandmother had taken
her skates and gone of TO enjoy tho interesting
exercise.
Loss OF VALUABLE STocK.-Of the
large number of valuable stock purchased
by Mr.. Barrett, of Henderson, KY, in
England, at cost Of more than $4,000,
only one cow was alive on the arrival of
the ship at New York. One after an
other the animals sickened and died f;
among them was bull which cost about
$4,000, and a cow for which $4,000 was
paid.
-" Did you ever hear of grander
Fall than Niagara!" asked a great adj
mirer of Nature of an ardent lover of the
classics.
"Well, yes,' he replied, the fall of
Carthage beat il all hollowp'
The tastes of the two evidently ran in
different channels.
--One Of the hardest trials Of those
who fall from affluence and honor to pow
erty and obscurity, is the discovery that the
attachment of so many in whom they con-
fded was pretense, mask TO gain their
own ends, or was miserable shallowness.
- The ugliest trades, says Jerrold,
have their moments Of pleasure. Now,
if l were a grave digger, or even hang
man, there are some people could work
for with great deal Of enjoyment.
E1 A Midshipman asked Priest to
tell the difference between Priest and q
Jackass.
The Priest gave it up.
One wears cross on his back and
the other on his breast" said the Mid
shipman.
aNow," said the Priest, " tell me the
difference between Midshipman and :
Jackass."
The Midshinman raye ID UP. and askeC