Raftsman's journal. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1854-1948, 1859-11-09
DIVORCED BY MISTAKE.

with pretty woman-he wished TO be divor-
ced from his bad wife, so that he might marry
| the pretty woman, who, by the way, was a
widow, with black eyes, and such form :
Therefore Jones came to Trenton for divorce.
Smith had good wife, good as an angel,
and the mother of ten children, and Smith
! did not want to be divorced, but wanted to get
| charter fora turnpike or piaukroad to ex-
tend from Pigs Ran to Terrapin Hollow.
Well, they, with these different errands,
came TO Trenton, and addressed the assembled
wisdom with the usual arguments. First, sup
! pers, mainly composed of oysters with rich
background of venison; second, liquors in
great plenty from ssJersey lightning, (which
is a kind of locomotive at full speed reduced
to liquor shape-to Newark champagne.
To speak in plain prose, the divorce man
gave a champagne supper, and Smith, the
turnpikes man. followed with champagne
breakfast, under the modifying influence of
which the assembled wisdom passed both the
divorce and turnpike bills; and Jones and
Smith--a copy of each bill in their pocket
went home rejoicing, over many miles of sand,
and through the tribulation of many stage
coaches.
Smith arrived home in the evening, and as
he sat down in his parlor, his pretty wife beside
him-how pretty she did look and five of
her children overhearng the other five study
ing their lessons in the corner of the room,
Smith was induced to expatiate upon the good
results OF his mission to Trenton.
"a turnpike. my dear; | am one of the
Directors, and will be President. 1t will set
me up, love; we can send our children to the
boarding school, and live in style out of the
toll. Here is the charter, honey
ssLet me see it, said the pretty little wife,
who was one of the incest of wives, with
plumpness and goodness dimpling all over her
face. 'sLet me see it, she leaned over
Mr.. Smiths shoulder.
Rut all al once Smiths yiS1pe grew Ionr
Smiths wife's visage grew black. Smith was
not profane, but he ripped out an awful oath.
s.Blast US, wife, those Internal scoundrels at
Trenton have gone and divorced us!''
1t was too true the parchment which he
held Was bill of divorce, in which the names
of Smith and Smiths wife appeared in fright
fully legible characters.
Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes with the corner
Of her apron.
"Heres turnpike" said she sadly, ssand
with the whole of our ten children staring me in
the face, aint your wife! Here's turnpike
ssBlaSt the pike and the Legislature, and
Well the fact is that Smith, reduced to sim
gle blessedness, enacted into a stranger to his
own wife, swore awfully. Although the night
was dark, and most of the denizens of Smiths
town had gone to bed, Smith bid his late wife
to put on her bonnet, and arm and arm they
proceeded TO the clergyman of their church.
.sGoodncSS bless me ~ exclaimed the good
man, as he saw them enter, Smith looking
like the last of June Shad, Smiths wife WI
ping her eyes with the corner of her apron
Goodness bless me, what's the matter ~
1.-The matter is, want yOu to marry US two
right off, replied Smith.
.sMarry yOu!' calculated the clergyman
with expanded fingers and awful eyes; care
yon drunk, or what is the matter with you 4?
However, he finally married them over
straightway and would not take a fee; the
fact is, grave he was, he was dying to be
alone that he might give vent to a suppressed
laugh that was shaking him all over and
Smith and Smith wife went joyfn!ly home
and kissed every one of their children. The
little Smiths never knew that their father aid
mother had ever been made strangers to each
other by Legislative enactment.
Meanwhile, and on the same night, Jones
returned to his native town--Burington, be-
lieve-and sought at once the fine black eyes
which he had hoped shortly to call his own
The pretty widow sat on the sofa, white ker
chief tied careleSsly around her white throat,
her black hair laid IN silky waves against each
rosy cheek.
"Divorce is the word,'' cried Jones, playful
ly patting her double chin s'the fact is, Eliza,
I'm rid Of that cursed woman, and you and
I'll be married tonight. | knew how to man
age those scoundreis at Trenton. y cham
payne superior was it breakfast, did the
business for them. ssPut on your bonnet and
let us go TO the preachers at once, dearest"
The widow, who was among widows as
peaches among apples, put on her bonnet and
took Jones's arm, and
.sJust look how handsome it is put on parch
ment ~ cried Jones, pulling out the document
before her; sshere's the law that says that
Jacob Jones and Ann Caroline Jones are two"
Putting her plnmp gloved hand on his shout
der she did look.
go dear!'' she said, with her rosy lips, and
sank back half fainting on the sofa.
4 IL INnCT ID
her. rustlng the fatal parchment in his hand !;
'.here's a lot of happiness and champagne
gone to RUM
1t was hard case. Instead of being di-
vorced and at liberty to marry the widow, |
Jacob Jones simply by the Legislature of
New Jersey incorporated into turnpike COM
pany. and what made it worse, authorized to |
run from Burlington to Bristol!
When you reflect that Burlington and Bristol
are located just little apart,o opposite sides
OF the Delaware river, you will observe the |
extreme hopelessness of Jones' case.
ssIt's all the fault of that turnpike man who
gave them the champagne superior was 1t
the breakfast 20 cried Jones in agony. 'lf
they had chartered me turnpike from Pigs's |
Run to Terrapin Hollow, might have borne |
it but the very idea OF building a turnpike |
from Burlington to Bristol bears an aSsurdlty
on the face of it, So it did.
ssAnd amt you divorced 9" SAID Eliza,
tear running down each cheek.
e.No!'' thundered Jones, crushing his hat |
between his knees, and what's worse the Lee |
gislature is adjourned, and gone home drunk,
and won't be back to Trenton till next year.
1t was hard case.
The mistake % had occurred on the last
day of the session, when Legislators and trans
cribiup clerks were laboring under cham |
pagne breakfast. Smiths name had been put |
where Jones's ought to have been, and "wisy |
,,ersev ,, n s the Latin poet has II,