Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1859-12-31
HOW an Advertls,msnt got win.

every respect for his authority, l beg to
say IL was quite the contrary in my case.
Twenty-one years ago was sitting by my
fre-side, totting up innumerable pages of
my bachelors housekeeping book. taking
exercise in arithmetic on long columns Of
petty cosh"-comprisng items for carrots
and Bath-bricks, metal tacks and mutton
chops-until tired and wearied, / arrived
at the sum total, and jerked the book up
on the mante piece. Nearly at the same
time / placed my hand in the pocket Of my
dressing gown, and drew ont a leather
case, and lit principe Well, having lit
the principe, placed my feet on the fender
and sighed, exhausted by my long job of
domestic accounts. / was then in business
twas a small wholesale business then, tits
a large one now--yet one morniug's totting
of carrots and Bath-bricks, of metal tacks
and mutton chops would tire me thous-
and times more than "a hours of honest
ledger-work. sighed not from love, but
from labor; for, to tell you the truth, l had
never been in love. Is this to go on for
ever thought |, as / took my third Whit,
and looked dreamily through the thin smoke
as it assembled between me and large
print Of the capture of Gibraltar which
hung over the chimney.piece. Am l to
spend my prime in totting up parsnips, and
computing carrots, and comptrolling wash
ing bills | sighed again, and in the act
off few the button of my neck band, as
though some superior power had seesonably
sent the accident to remind me of my help
lessness.
The button settled the business; though,
as it slipped down inside my shirt, and pass
ed with its mother-o'pearl coldness over
my heart, it for moment threa tened to
chill my matrimonial resolution. | pitied
my own lonely state, and pity, we know, is
akin to love. But how was the matter to
be accomplished ? Most men at my age
would already have adjusted their iuclna-
ton to some object; so that having made
up their mind and counted the cost, little
more would have remained to be done than
to decide upon the day, and lay hold upon
the license. This, however, was not the
case with me. had been too much occu-
pied, too idle, or too indoent to devote
the time to make the effcrt to "form an at
tachment." 1t was through no disinclina-
tion or difficulty to be pleased; for had any
young lady of moderately agreeable powers
taken the trouble, she might have married
ME long ere then. | should even have
been grateful to her for taking the trouble
off my hands, but / was too bashful to
adopt the initiative.
was q bashful man. The weakness
came from the cause as my Uncle Toby'S
namely, want of acquaintance with fe-
male society, which want arose from ano-
ther cause in my case-namely, too close
an application to business. Accordingly, |
thought of an advertisement; yet with no
practical design of doing business, but as
persuaded myself for joke So ! scratch
ed with pencil on the back of letter,
the following:-
WANTED A WIFE.-None but principals
need apply. The advertiser does not re-
qnire cash, but only companion. He is
siX-and-twenty, and, tired of single, he
thinks he can settle down to married life
As men go, he believes he has moderate
share of temper, and want of time is his
only reason for having recourse to the news
papers. He has enough means for himself
and second party, and is willing to treat
at once. He is quite aware that a great
many attempts to convert his honest inten.
tionS into an eXtravagant joke will be made,
but he warns all rash intruders. If he
finds man hardy enough to make sport
of his affections, he will thrash him--if
woman, he will forgive her. He has a heart |
for the sincere, horsewhip for the inperti-
nent. In either case, all applications will
he promptly attended to, if addressed to
P. p, to the Office of this paper.
felt proud of my composition, and |
puffed away my principe with vague gIee
and anticipation of something coming out
of it. | had no very great idea hat any
thing but fun would result; and certain
ly had not the slghSest notion of involving |
myself in personal collision with any one. /
Still the presentiment that it was not des- |
tined to be all barren joke, pressed upon
me. Ga Saturday the advertisement APP |
peared, and heard its style canvaSsed by |
all my friends, and it was jockingly sug.
geSted by more than one, that was the
domestically destitute individual who put
it forth.
On Monday morning l sent boy to the |
newspaper Office for p P's letters. | ex- |
pected he might be followed by some Gu
rious and inQuisitive persons; so / told him !
On his way back TO call at bachelor neigh |
boris of mine for a book. The trick told. |
The lad was followed by some persons who
never lost sight of him until they ran him
to my friends, and then they went back
and announced that he was the advertiser. |
l thus discharged in full one or two practi-
cal jokes which my neighbor had played
upon me. The answers were of the usual
character - several seeking to elicit my
name, and still more suggesting places of
meeting, where l was to exhibit myself
with flower in my button-hole and white
handkerchief in my hand. One only look
ed like business 1t was from lady, who
an interview in neighboring
city, about forty miles north. She said
there was something so frank and straight
forward in my advertisement, that she was
convinced it was real, and size could rely
upon my keeping her name secret, if after
we had met nothing came of the meeting.
She would, therefore, meet me at the-at
=, on certain day, and if mutual appro-