The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1859-06-04
FIFE DEACON AND THE FRESHMAN.

Swampcoot, r. l., was travelling the west
ern part of the State of New York, he fell
in with an Irishman who had lately arrived
in this country, and was in quest of BROTH
er who came before him and settled in some
OF the diggins in that vicinity.
Pat was a strong, athletic man, strong
Catholic and had never seen the interior OF
q Protestant church. II was a pleasant
SUNDAY morning that brother Ingalls, met
Pat, who inquired the way to the church,
Ingalls, was good and pious man. He told
Pat that be was going to church himself,
and invited his new Acquaintance to keep him
company thither, (his place of destination
beng a small Methodist house near by. J
There was great revival at the time, and
one of the Deacons, who by the way is very
small in statute) invited brother Ingalls, to
take a seat in his pew. lie accepted the in
vitation, and walked in followed by Pat, who
looked in vain to find the altar, &c. After
he was seated, he turned to brother Ingalls,,
and in whisper which could be heard all
around, inquired:
Sure, and isn't this hiraitick church?'
'llush,' said Ingalls,, 'lf you speak loud
word they will put you out.
Sand faith, not II word will spake at al,
replied Pat.
The meeting was opened with PRAYER by
the pastor. Pat was cycling him very closely,
when the old gentleman who was standing
in the pew directly in front OF Pat shouted
'Glory.
Hist, ye clear Demon rejoined Pat, with
his loud whisper, which was plainly heard by
the minister, .bc decent; and don't make Il
Llackguard Of YOURSELF
The pnrson grew more fervent in his devo-
tons. Presently the Deacon uttered an
audible groan.
IIist-I-t, ye blackgaurd, have ye no da-
cency at ALP said Pat, at the same moment
giving the Deacon punch in the ribs,
which caused him nearly to loose his equili
brum. The minister STOPPED, and extend
ing bis hand in suppllcating manner,
eaid-
Brethren, We cannot be disturbed in this
way. Will some one put that man OUT
.Yis, YOU riyrence,' shouted Pat, & will,'
and suting the action to the word, he col
Jared the deacon, and to the laughter and
utter establishment of all present, including
the pastor and brother Ingalls,, he dragged
him through the aisle, and wi III a tremendous
kick he landed him in the vestibule of the
church.
ArRENcHMAN TAKEN M AND DONE
FOR"
Under this caption the Tennessee Tcle-
graph tells characteristic, mirth-prov okiDg
story of "parleyvoo," gent, alias French
man, who being little acquainted with horse
flesh, was grievously taken in in the pur-
chase of mare. He gave 500 spot for
q mare, that had been fattened to sell, and
to his surprise found her to be ng-boned,
spawned, blind, clumsy and wind broken.
Full Of wrath and vexation, he went to the
Jockey, and requested him to take back the
jade, and shell back the purchase money.
'Sare,' said he, 'I've fetch back the mare
horse vat you sell me, and want the money
in my pocket back
sYour pocket back returned the Jockey
feigning surprise Il don't understand you,
sir!'
you no stand under me . yelled the
Frenchman you no stand under me Sare
begar, YOU be Won grand rascalle You lie
like sam-like sam-yat you call de leetle
mountain .
Sam Hill, suppose you mean
'Oui Monsieur Sam de hIl--yes sare you
lie like two Sam Hill. You sell me your mare
horse for Won hundred dollar cs-he no wort
Won hundred cent, by CARP
'Why what's the matter with the beast =
Matter say me! Matter do you say
Wy he's all mattier-he no 60 at all he got
no leg, no feet, no vind-he blind like Won
wild dat eye-he 90 cheese o-r-heese. 0 like
Won forge hammer bellows-he no 90 over
ut all dc ground-he no travail two mile in
three day Oui, sare he beyon grand sheat
you must take him and fund de money
back
Refund the money! Oh, no, couldn',
think of such Il thing
'Vat, you no find me back the money p
You sheat me wild Won hundred dollaier horse
dat no can 60 at all
Il never promised you he would co.
by gar, vot is Won horse good for when
he NJ go? He be no better as Won dead
shack las, by gar Vii YOU, sare take back
de mare horse back, and give dc money vat
bay him for =
'No, sir, | cannot--it was fair bargain,
and your eyes were your market, as we gen.
tlcmCn of turf say
Gentlemen dc turf? You be no gentle
men ut all-you be no turf. Mon Dicu,
you be Won grand Turg-von sacra dem de-
ccp:ione-you play Won rascal trick on your
cotton fadder! You have no principle
'The interest is what 90 in for any
how
'Oui, sa:e, your interest be no prncipalle.
You be Won grand rascal sheat OATS de way
talks
Failing to be satisfied by the jockey, the
Frcnchman sent his marc horse, to an auc-
tionecr to be sold. But the auctioneer
seemed to have been as big rogue as the
,o,l,n, H. N,l ~, E.
selling should eat up the price he got for
the animal.
BY gar said the Frenchman, when rela-
ting the story. Il be sheaty all around
De shockey horse he sheaty to dispose of de
henimalle, and then sold my horse for ten
dolicrs only and by gar, he charge me
Eleven dollier for sell him. SO loss 'eyen
and Won hundred dollars, all in my pocket
clear, SO Won sacrc, dem, limp, limb, a.
heese- o-vlnd, no see at all, good for moth
ing shape of mare horse vurse as nineteen
dead shackass, by gar'
CT In the early days of the State of
Indiana, the capitol was Cory don and the
annual sessions of the General Assembly
usually brought together as wild a set Of
mad wags as could be found in the State,
who had to rely upon their own resources
for ADJUSTMENTS, for there were then few
theatres, concerts or shows.
Those lovers of mischief had established
n mock Masonic Lodga, into which they
would entlce such as We're little green,
and take them through variety of ridiculous
ceremonies to the infinite amusement of the
crowd.
On one of these occasions, it being under
stood that good natured, athletic young
man, about half simpcton, was to be
initiated, the room was crowded. Judge
Grass tit being a character in which he was
peculiarly happy had consented to act the
role of the devil and to make the services
more impressive upon the mind of the can
didate, had put on false face and large
paper cap, surmounted with horns, and,
with some chains in his hands, placed him
self behind a screen.
After taking the candidate through
variety of ceremonies he was brought to
stand before the screen, and told that he had
then to confess all the crimes he had com
,,,;t,od durin, his whole life The youpp