The Grand Haven news. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1858-18??, 1859-07-06
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.

One cilnnOl penent OtherS without
being benefited in return.
= Flatterers before marriage are sell
dom flatterers afterwards.
- Nothing establishes confidence soon
er than punctuality.
- New York city, il is estimated con-
sumes seven millions of bushels of oysters
valued at seven million dollars.
= Why is a horse half way through
n gate like a penny? Because it is head
on one side and tail on the other.
"A lady being asked TO waltz, gave
the following sensible and appropriate
answer;s "No, thank you, sir-I have
hugging enough at home"
A little man grows jealous. We
know of nothing to compare him TO, un-
less lisa bottle of ginger pop, in a high
state of rebellion. vV t.e
-" Father, have you seen anything
Of my bonnet9 l must have left it in this
room." "No, my dear, l have not; but
l will take the microscope and look for it"
= If you wish TO make yourself ia
vorite with your neighbors, buy a dog
and tie him up in the cellar all night
They wont sleep for thinking of You.
= An indiscreet man confideda secret
to another, and begged of him to repeat
it. ats all right" was the reply, 81
will be as close as you were."
= Before marrying a young lady for
her money, consider what n terrible in
cumbrance you will find your wife in the
event of its being lost.
= There is only one objection TO peo-
pie who 'mean WELL" and that is they
never can spare time to carry out their
meaning. 7.r- '--- 81. et
- In recent pistol targct-shoot, at
Peoria, ILL.,, the ladies (Germans) entered
the list, and took six out Of the nine pri-
yes.
KEEN.-A young lady having rebuk-
ed, in a sharp and sudden manner, a cox
comb who annoyed her, he could only
say: "Pray, Miss, do not eat me-" "Be
at no fear," she replied, 81 am Jewess."
= Holland describes certain dismal
class of people-the grumblers-as "sit-
ting on the north side Of tho tree of life,
pooling -vvrny aPpios With /" rusty jack
knife"
= Mr. Pullup,coming home hate "prct-
ty full" finds the walking slippery, and
exclaims: "V-ver very sing'lar; wh-when-
ever water freezes it allus fr-freezes with
the slippery side up; singular"
=" Put out your tongue little farth-
err" said physician 10 female patient
ga little farther still" "Why, doctor, dc
you think that there is no end 10 wo-
mans tongue!" cried the fair invalid.
- Have you decided whether 10 make
your son q soldier or lawyerl "No;
but l will rs soon rs / can settle in my
own mind whether it is best for him tc
live upon the blood and misery or upon
the vices and follics Of his species"
"A wag says in journeying lately, he
was put into an omnibus with dozen
persons, of whom he didn't know sin
gle one. Turning n corner shortly after
however, the omnibus upset, "and then,
said he, 81 found them all out"
= An awkward man, attempting te
carve a goose, dropped it on the floor
"There nowp exclaimed bis wife, "wt
have lost our dinner" "Oh, no, my
dear" answered he, "it's safe-I've got
my foot on it,"
-" How is it," said q man to hi,
neighbor "that parson W, the la
ziest man living, writes these interinina
bic long sermonsl" "Why," says the
other, "he.probably gets to writing, and
is too lazy to STOP"
SLEEP.-Women require moro sleeI
than men, and farmers less than those
engaged in any other occupation. Edi
tors, reporters, printers and telegraph
operators, need no sleep at all. Lawyer
can sleep as much as they please, anC
thus keep out Of mischief.
A blind man in Paris has pla- care
on his neck which reads as follows: ''Giv,
to-day, for God will return il tomorrow.
A joker suspended another over il whiel
read: 81 am an old humbug, and propri
etor of five houses. Give all your money
to the cripple opposite
"A love sick swain, desirous to indi
cate the extent and character of his lov,
for the empress Of his heart, exclaimed
All, Miss Brown, my affection for yot
is as strong as-as-as the butter they
gave us for dinner?" She was satisfied
she boarded at the same house. Th'
bargain was struck, and they were mar
ried.
= Az lecture lately delivered a
Liverpool, Lola Monies said if she were
man she would rather flirt with an Amer
lean girl than a female of any othe
country. "You British men," said she
"think that courting in England is de
lichtful business, but man who ha
never engaged in that pastime in Amer
lea don't begin to know anything abou
..e,