Delaware gazette. [volume] (Delaware, Ohio) 1855-1886, 1859-12-30
HOW AN ADVERTISEMENT
GOT n WIFE.
Frcm ssOnce a Week. N

(Frcm "once a week'1
Tobacco is the tomb of love-" writes a
modern novelist of high standing but with
every respect for his authority beg to say it
was quite the contrary in my case.
Twenty-one years ago, was sitting by my
| freside, totting up innumerable pages of ny
bachelors housekeeping book, taking exercise
in arithmetic on long columns of '.petty cash"
| comprising items for carrots and Bath-brcks,
| metal tacks and mutton chops-until, tired
and wearied arrived at the sum total, and
jerked the book on the mantle-piece. Nearly
at the same time l placed my hand in the
pocket of my dressing gown, drew out a leath-
er case, and lit principle. WE'LL having lit
the principle, [ placed my feet on the fender
! and sighed, exhausted by my long job of do
mestic accounts. l was then in business
twas a small wholesale business then it's large
one now-yet one mornings totting of carrots
and Bath bricks, of tacks and chops would tire
me thousand times more than twenty-four
hours of honest ledger-work. l sighed. not
from love but from labor; for, to tell you the
truth, had never been in love. Is this to go
on forever? thought ], as l took my third
Whit, and looked dreamily through the thin
smoke as it ascendeG between me and large
print of the capture of Gibralter which hung
over the chimney-piece. Am / to spend my
prime in totting up parsnips and computing
carrots, and comptrellng washing bills? l
sighed, again, and in the act off few the but
ton of my neck band, as though some superior
power had sent the accident to remind me of
my helplcssness.
IL.
it slipped down inside my shirt, and passed
with its mother-otpearl GOODNESS over my heart
it for a moment threatened to chill my matri-
monial resolution. l pitied my own lonely
state and pity we know, is akin to love. But
how was the matter to be accomplished p
Most men at my age would already have adj
iusted their inclination to some object so that
having made up their mind and counted the
cost, little more would have remained be be
done than to decide upon the day and lay hold
upon he license. This however, was not the
case with me. had been too much occupied,
too id'e, or too indolent to devote the time or
make the effort to "form an attachment" 1t
was through d disinclination OF difficulty to
be pleased; for had any young lady of modcr-
ately agreeable powers taken the trouble, she
should even have been grateful to her for
taking the trouble off my hands, but l was too
bashful to adopt the initiative
l was bashfll man. This weakness came
from the same cause as my Uncle Tobvis-
namely, want OF acquaintance with female
society, which want arose from another cause
in my case-namely, too close all application
to business.
Accordingly, l thought of an advertise
rnent yet with no practical design of doing
business, but as / persuaded myself, for joke.
So l scratched with a pencil on the back of Il
letter the following:
.WASTED A WIFE.-None but principa
need apply. The advertiser does not require
cash. but only companion. He is siY-und
twenty, and. tired of single, he thinks he can
settle down to married life. As men 90. he
believes he has moderate share of temper,
and want of time is his only reason for having
recourse to the newspapers. He has enough
means for himself and a second party, and is
willing to treat at once. He is qnite aware
that great many attempts to convert his hon
est intentions into an extravagant joke will be
made, but he warns all rash intruders. If he
finds man hardy enough to make sport of his
affections, he will thrash him-if woman he
will forgive her. He has a heart for the sim
cere, horsewhip for the impertinent. In Ell
ther c;lse. all applications will be promptly at
tended to, if addressed to Z. p, to the Office
of this paper
| felt proud of my composition, and puffed
away my principle with vague idea ofglee ard
anticipation of something coming out of it. |
had no very great idea that anything but fun
would result and / certainly had not the
slightest notion of involving myself in a per-
sonal collision with any one. Still, the pre-
sentiment that it was not destined to be all joke
pressed upon me. On Saturday the adver
tisement appeared and l heard its style cam
vassed by all my friends, and it was jokingly
suggested by more than one that I the
domestcally destitute individual who put it
forth.
On Monday morning I sent a boy to the
newspaper office for 2. P.'s letters. / expect
| ed he might be followed by some curious and
inquisitive persons so l told him on his way
back to call on bachelor friend of mine
for book The trick told. The lad was fol-
lowed by some persons who never lost sight Of
him until they ran him into my friends, and
| then they went back and announced that he
was the advertiser. l this discharged in full
one or two practical jokes which my neighbor
had played upon me-
The answers were of the usual character
several seeking to elicit my name, and still
more suggesting places of meeting, where I
was to exhibit myself with flower in my but
ton-hole and white handkerchief in my hand.
| One only looked like business. It was from a
lady, who proposed an interview in a neigh
boring city, about forty miles north. She said
there was something so frank and straightfor-
ward in my advertisement, that she was con-
vinced it was real, and she could rely upon my
keeping her name secret, ifafter we met nothing
came of the meeting. She would therefore see
me at the, at. on a certain day
and if mutual appreciation did not follow the
interview, why there was no harm done. Most
people would have put this down as trap to
give me journey for nothing. did not. A
presentiment impelled me to accept and keep
the engagement.
This was in old coaching days, when man
had time to make an acquaintance in forty
miles, not as now, when you are at your jour-
ney's end bef,re you have looked round your
company in a railway carriage. There were
but two insiders-myself and pleasant, talk
ative, honestfaced elderly gentleman Shy
and timid in female society, was yet esteem
ed, animated and agreeable enough amongst
my own seq We had no trouble, therefore,
in making ourselves agreeable enough to one
another so much SO, that as the coach ap-
preached e., and the old gentlemen learned
that | meant to stop there that night, he asked
me to waive ceremony and have a cup of tea
with him after / had dined at nv hotel Nv
"fair engagement" was not till the next day