Worcester daily spy. [volume] (Worcester [Mass.]) 1850-1888, 1859-02-26
aurtestrr Badly Spp.
From Chambers Journal.
MY ALARMING WIFE.
concluded


ness, long drawn out, of the feline reply
''Poor old puss, then, was it ill Puss, puss.
Henry, the horrid beast is going to fly at me !!
Whist, whist, cat!'
"Ps-s-ss, ps-s-s-s, miau; ps-s-s-s-s-s," replied
the other in voice like fat in the fire.
''My dear love-" cried l, almost sufocated
with a combination of laughter and quinsy,
f'you have never opened the door, where is
the poor thing to run to? Z"
Mrs. B. had all this time been exciting the
poor thing to frenzy by her conversation and
shovel, without giving it the opportunity of
escape, which, as soon as offered, it took adj
vantage of with an expression of savage i'm
patience, partaking very closely indeed of the
character of an oath.
This is, however, the sole instance of Mrs.
BIS having ever taken it in hand to subdue
her own alarms. 1t is l, who, ever since her
marriage, have done the duty, and more than
the duty, of an efficient Watchdog which, be-
fore that epoch, | understand, was wont to be
discharged by one of her younger sisters
Not seldom, in these involuntary rounds of
mine, have become myself the cause Of alarm
or inconvenience to others. Our little foot
page, with courage beyond his years, and a
spirit worthy of a better cause, very nearly
transfiXed me with the kitchen-spit as | was
trying, upon one occasion, the door of his own
pantry Upon another nocturnal expedition
| ran against human body in the dark-that
turned out to be my brother-in-law's, who was
also in search of robbers-with shock to both
our nervous systems, such as they have not
yet recovered from. 1t fell to my lot upon
third, to discover one of the rural police up in
our attic where in spite Of the increased pow
er lately granted to the country constabulary,
l could scarcely think he was entitled to be-
| once presented myself, an unlimited guest
at select morning entertainments was at
half past one o'clock A. M.-given by our
hired London cook to nearly dozen of her
male and female friends No wonder that
Mrs. B. had "staked her existence" that night
that she heard the area gate ego" When 1
consider the extremely free and unconstrained
manner in which was received, poker and all,
by that assembly, my only surprise is that they
did not signify their arrivals by double knocks
at the front door
On one memorable night, and one only, have
found it necessary to use that formidable
weapon Which habit has rendered as familiar
to my hand as its flower to that of the Queen
of Clubs
The gray of morning had just begun to steal
into our bed-chamber, when Mrs. B. calculated,
with unusual vigor, Henry, Henry, they're in
the front drawing-room, and they've just
knocked down the parrot-screen."
"My love" | was about to observe, "your
imaginative powers have now arrived at the
pitch of clairvoyance," when noise from the
room beneath us, as if all the fire-irons had
gone off together with bang compelled me
to acknowledge, to myself at least, that there
was something in Mrs. B. IS alarms at last. l
trod down stairs as noiselessy as l could, and
In almost utter darkness. The drawing-room
door was ajar, and through the crevice could
dis OuiSh dpspita tho trloom aS "a
three muffled figures, They were all of them
in black clothing, and each wore over his face
mask of Grape, fitting quite closely to his
features. / had never been confronted by
anything so dreadful before. Mrs. B. had cried
wolff so often, that / had almost ceased to
believe in wolves of this description at all.
Unused to personal combat, and embarrassed
by the novel circumstances under which |
found myself was standing Undecided on The
landing, when / caught that we'll known whis-
per of "Henry! Henry!' from the upper story.
The burglars caught it also. They desisted
from their occupation of examining some arti-
cles of certu upon the chimney piece, while
their fiendish countenances relaxed into a hid
eous grin. One of them stole cautiously to-
wards the door where was standing. heard
his burglarious feet; | heard the "Henry
Henry !" still going on from above stairs; L
heard my own heart pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, within
me- 1t was one of those moments in which
one lives a life. The head of the craped ma
rauder was projected cautiously round the door,
as if to listen. / poised my weapon, and
brought it down with unerring aim upon his
skull He fell, like bullock beneath the axe,
and / sped up to my bed-chamber with all the
noiselessness and celebrity Of a bird. 1t was
who locked the door this time and piled the
wash stand, two band-boxes, and a chair,
oro;oet - with tho spaad of lightning
Was Mrs B. out of her mind with terror
that at such an hour as that she should indulge
in paroxysms of mirth
"Good heavens !" l cried, "be calm, my love !;
there are burglars in the house at last p
my dear Henry" she answered, laughing
so that the tears quite stood in her eyes, II
am very sorry l tried to call you back. But
when sent you down stairs, l quite forgot
that this was the morning upon which had
ordered the sweeps !"
One of these gentlemen was at that moment
lying underneath with his skull fractured and
it cost me fifteen pounds to get it mended, be-
sides the expense of new drawing-room car
pet.
1t is but fair to state the primary cause to
which all Mrs. BIS alarms, and by conse-
quence, my little personal inconvenience, are
mainly owing Mrs. b. mamma was one of
the last admirers of the "0ld Manor House"
and "Mysteries of the Castle" school of litera-
ture, and her daughter was brought up in her
own faith that Mrs. Radcliffe was a painter
of nature, as it appears on earth; and that
Mr.. Matthew Lewis had been let into the great
secret of what was going on-as they say at
St Stephen's-"in another place." So nerv-
Gus, indeed, did my respected mother-in-law
contrive to make herself throughout her life
time, by the perusal of these her fayorite
Al !. rod hat obo Rod
each of her four husbands at least as much
from disincination to be without protector
during the long watches of the night, as from
any other cause. Mrs. B. herselfwas haunted,
in her earlier years, with the very unpleasant
notion that she was what believe the Germans
call doppleqanger that there was a dupli-
cate of her going about the world at the
same time-that during some day or other
or night--they would have a distressing
meeting And, moreover, at last they did SO,
and in the following manner. Her mamma
was residing for a few days at keswick, sup
ping full of horrors in the German division Of
the late Mr.. Southey's library every evening,
and enjoying herself, doubtless, after her own
peculiar fashion, when she suddenly fell i'll, or
thought she was falling, and sent postchaise,
express, to fetch her daughter, Mrs b. who
happened to be staying at that time with some
friends at Penrith The long mountain road
was then by no means good one and it may
be easily imagined that nothing but filial duty
would have induced my doppelganger to have
started upon such a journey at dusk-although
1t was sure TO be a fine moonlight highland
alone. Mrs. b., however, being warm and
comfortable, went off TO sleep very soon, like
any boulder nor did she wake until the chaise
had skirted Ullswater, and was within few
miles of home. She had looked carefully un
der both seats, and even into the side-pocket
Of the carriage before starting, to make sur,
that there was no other passenger, and We
there was now q form sitting unon Tho or,o