The prairie news. [volume] (Okolona, Miss.) 1851-1875, 1859-02-17


An original specimen of the loafer
tribe was arrested as a vagrant and ta-
ken before the mayor. On being asked
the usual question, how he obtained a
livelihood, he told the following doleful
story
am not to blame, your honor, be-
cause | dant earn "a living. never did
earn my bread | have been unfortu-
nate all my life. Even when a baby, |
lost part Of one OF my ears by falling
out of the cradle on the sharp
side of dilapidated coal hod. After
wards, at various times, fell into ket-
tie of hot soapsuds, pulled a barrel of
potatoes on my head, and cooked the
whole of my internal machinery by
drinking boiling water from the spout of
the tea kettle. Indeed, l met with the
usual assortment of boyish misfortunes,
besides the usual accidents which happen
to all masculine Juveniles, of being blown
up with gunpowder on the Fourth of Ju-
ly, and breaking their legs by sliding
down hill on Christmas.
AT one time | had my right hand mu-
tilated by planning machine, had my
hair cut off by circular saw, was car
ried from the cellar to the fourth story
of "a cotton factory, heels upwards, on
the hook of the hoisting rope, which had
caught in my pantaloons-was whlrled
round ma hine drawn by gutta
p.rcha belt, which tangled in my hair
and revOlved me for fifteen minutes at
the rate of seven times second; lost
two fingers in thrashing machine had
my foot mashed by third avenue car,
and was once run away with by loco
motive that l had started and didn't
know how to stop. When it came for
me to go into business for myself, | set
up in the apple and peanut trade; but
the boys kicked over my stand and stole
all my stock. | then acquired new
capital by begging pennies on the cor
nerS, and went into the ballad business.
arranged my literary stock on the curb
stone, but a high wind scattered my
hppes and my songs together; | saw Il
chimney sweep walk off with Jessie
the Flower OF Dunblane a fat country
man stamped the Bold Soldier Boy"
Mary Blame and The Seven Ages
into the mud; q ragged newsboy ran
around the corner with Kathleen
Mayourneen candy girl eloped with
j, Ben Bolt the Yankee Sailor and
Lord Lowell the rest of my property
disappeared in like manner, and all that
was lett to ne was single copy of Bill
| iy Lackaday and two of Beautiful jim
ny | traded Billy for penny cigar,
which | lighted with Beautiful Jenny,
and prepared to start in life again. |
then went into the plaster image business,
but the boys spoiled my assortment by
stealing my Napoleons to throw stones
at, and abslracting all my Greek Slaves
lo practice at with peas shooters. The
fish traffic proved no more profitable :
my old enemies, the boys, stole all the
Holsters while was eating the clans to
keep them from spelling, and my porgies
got fly-blown before could find custo-
mers. tried cubbling shoes, but | left
the pegs too long On the inside. | also
essayed gardening, and got situation,
but the first day pulled up the young
cabbagcs and left the pig weeds, trans
planted the tulips into the onion bed and
cut up the rose bushes, under the i'm
preston that they were last years pea
brush the unreasonable man discharged
me.
Since that, l have been street sweep
er, bill sticker, billiard marker, have
set up pins in bowling alley, cleaned
cells in the market, and have failed in
all. have even tried to be gentleman
and scholar. IL have failed in this
also, | cannot help it. | have done my
best. l am the victim of hard and bit
ter and unrelenting fate. My education
| have picked up as best ! could.
learned to read theatre bills from the
newsmen. and picked up my eloquence
by hanging about the Court rooms.