Worcester daily spy. [volume] (Worcester [Mass.]) 1850-1888, 1859-10-19
GQlOrtester Daily Spp,
DIVORCED BY MISTAKE.

OAtOAOGO d 4 Mlo4AAE.
One winter there came to Trenton, New
Jersey, two men, named Smith and Jones. who
had both of them designs on the Legislature
Jones had bad wife and was in love with a
pretty woman-he wished to be divorced from
his bad wife, so that he might marry the pref.
ty woman, who, by the way, was a wild
ow, with black eyes, and such a form There
fore Jones came to Trenton for a divorce.
Smith had good wife, good as an angel,
and the mother OF ten children, and Smith
did not want to be divorced, but did want to
get a charter for turnpike or plank-road, to
extend from Pigs Run TO Terrapin Hollow.
Yell, they, with these different errands,
came to Trenton, and addressed the multitude
with the usual arguments First, suppers
mainly composed Of oysters, with rick back
ground of venison; second, liquors in great
plenty, from Jersey lightning" which is a
kind Of locomotive at full speed, reduced to Ii
quor shape, to Newark champagne. To speak
in plain prose, the divorce man gave cham
payne supper, and Smith, the turnpike man,
followed with champagne breakfast, under
the modifying influence of which the assem-
bled wisdom passed both the divorce and turn
pike bills; and Jones and Smith, copy of
each bill i'll their pockets-wentre rejoicing home
over miles of sand, and through the tribula-
ton of many stage coaches.
Smith arrived home in the evening, and as
he sat down in his parlor, his pretty wife be-
side him-how pretty she did look land five
children overhearng the other five studying
their lessons i'll the corner Of the room
Smith was induced to expatiate upon the good
results Of his mission to Trenton.
ga turnpike, my dear; am one of the d-
rectors and will be president. 1t will set me
up love; we can send our children to the
boarding school, and live in toll out of the toll
Here is the charter, honey"
'Let me see it, said the pretty little wife,
who was one of the incest of wives, with
plumpness and goodness dimpling all over her
face, ''let me see it, as she leaned over Mr.
Smiths shoulder
But alhat once Smiths visage grew long ;
Smiths wife's visage grew black. Smith was
not protane, but now he ripped out an awful
OATH "Blast US, wife, those internal scoun-
drels at Trenton have gone and divorced us
1t was too true the parchment which he
held was bill of divorce in which the names
OF Smith and Smiths wife appeared in fright
fully legible letters.
Mrs Smith wiped her eyes with the corner
of her apron. Here's turnpike she said
sadly, "and with the whole OF our ten children
staring me in the face, | amt your wife
Here's turnpike p
''Blast the pike and the legislature and"
Well, the fact is that Smith, reduced to sin
gle blessedness, enacted into a stranger to his
own wife, swore awfulIy. Although the night
was dark, and most Of the denizens of Smiths
town had gone to bed, Smith bid his late wife
to put on her bonnet and arm in arm they
proceeded to the clergyman of their church.
Goodness, bless me p exclaimed the good
man as he saw them enter,-Smith looking
like the last of June shad, Smiths wife wiped
hon N-ith fl,f.f .ofI,
ness bless me, what's the matter 2"
''The matter is, | want you to marry us two
right off, replied Smith.
"Marry you'll! calculated the clergyman
with expanded fingers and awful eyes "are
you drunk, or what is the matter with you!"
However, he finally married them over
straightway, and would not take a fee the
fact is grave as he was, he was dying to be
alone, that he might give vent to a suppressed
laugh that was shaking him all over; and
Smith and Smiths wife went joyfully home
and kissed every one of their children. The
little Smiths never knew that their father and
mother had ever been made strangers to each
other by legislative enactment.
Meanwhile, and on the same night, Jones
returned to his native town-Burlngton be-
lieve-and sought at once the fine black eyes
which he had hoped shortly to call his own.
The pretty widow sat on the sofa, white ker-
chief tied carelessly about her round white
throat, her black hair laid in silky waves
against each rosy cheek.
Divorce is the word" cried Jones, play
fully patting her double chin; 'the fact is,
Eliza, Pm rid of that cursed woman, and you
and I'll be married tonight. l knew how to
manage those scoundrels at Trenton. A cham
payne superior was it breakfast aid the
business for them. Put on your bonnet and
L.,
The widow, who was among widows as
peaches among apples, put on her bonnet and
took Jones's arm, and
Just look how handsome it is put on parch-
ment" cried Jones, pulling out the document
before her; "here's the law that says Jacob
Jones and Ann Caroline Jones are two"
Putting her plump gloved hand on his Shout
der, she did look at it.
90 dearp she said, with her rosy lips, and
sank back, half fainting on the sofa.
80 blazes!' cried JONES' and sank beside
her, rustling the fatal parchment in his hand
''here's lot of happiness and champagne gone
to ruin"
1t was a hard case. Instead of being di.
vorced, and at liberty to marry the widow, ia
cob Jones was simply, by the Legislature OF
New Jersey, incorporated into turnpike com.
pany, and what made it worse, authorized to
run from Burlington to Bristol. When you
reflect that Burlington and Bristol are located
Just mile apart, on opposite sides of the Del
aware river, you will observe the extreme
hopelessness of Jones' case.
"Its all the fault of that turnpike man
who gave them the champagne superior
was it the breakfast 2" cried Jones in agony.
''If they'd chartered me to turnpike from
Pigs Run to Terrapin Hollow, l might have
b rne it; but the very idea of building turn
pike from Burlington to Bristol bears an absur
dity on the face of it"
So it did.
"And you amt divorced?" said Eliza, a tear
running down each cheek.
"Nop Numbered Jones, crushing his hal
between his knees, "and what is worse, the
Legislature is adjourned, and gone home
drunk, and won't be back to Trenton till next
year"
1t was hard case.
The mistake (?) had occurred on the last day
OF the session, when legislators end TRANSCRIPT
ing clerks were laboring under a champagne
breakfast. Smiths name had been put where
Jones' ought to have been, and "wisey wor
sey," as the Latin poet has it.
THE BATH OF BLooD.-About the year
1910, Elizabeth Bathor sister to the King Of
Poland, and wife of rich and powerful Hun
garian magnate, was the principal actor in the