Weekly Trinity journal., 1858-04-03
Old Bill Wallis, ihe Ugly vi an.

face. Great God how run back hollerin' for
nanny, every jump! That's the last time seen
my face-I darsen't but shet my eyes when / go
bout water !"
Don't yon use glass, when you shave ?" l
inquired
''Glass A.! Zoundsl What glass could stand it
-'twould best it, if il was an inch thick Glass
-pish n
Lucy told her father be was "too bad" and
that "he knew il was no sieh thng;" and the
old man told her she was sassy wencb," and
to "hold her tongue"
Yes" be continued; it's so; haven't seen
my face in forty years, but know how it looks.
Well, when growed up, thort it would be the
devil to find woman thatd be willing to take
me, ugly as l was''-
"Ob, you was not so uncommon hard favored
when you was young man" said old Mrs. Wallis.
Oncommon / tell you when | was ten years
old, fly wouldn't light on my face-and it can't
be much wuss now Shet up, and let me tell the
squire my ixpefance"
Its no use," put in Lucy "to be runnin'
ones own self down, that way, daddy 1t amt
right
"Runnin' down Thunder and hghtnin',
Luce! you il have me as go0dlookl' directly as
John Bozeman, your sweetheart"
AS he said this, old Bill looked at me, and sue
ceeded in half covering the ball of his LEFT eye,
by way Of wink. Lucy said no more
The old man continued
swell, hard as | thort it 'ud be to get wife,
fust thing knowed bad Sally here; and she is,
or was, pretty as any of them"
Old Mrs. Wallis knitted convulsively, and
coughed slightly
"Howeyer, she never kissed me afore we was
married, and it was long time arter afore she
did. The way of it was this: We had an old one
horned COW, mighty onnery Ordinary lookin',
old as the north star, and poor as black snake.
One day went out to the lot
Daddy, wouldn't tell that" exclaimed Lu
cy in the most persuasive tones.
Drot eff | don't, tho-its the truth, and eff
you don't keep STILL I'll send for Bozeman to hold
you quiet in the corner"
Lucy pouted little, and was silent.
"Yes, went out to the lot, and thar, sure as
life, was my old oman, swung to the cow and
the old thing fyin' round, and cuttin' up all sorts
o. shines Ses ], what are you up to, old
oman? And with that she let 90, and told me
che was tryin' to practice kis8n' on old Cherry
and she thort arter that she could make up her
mind to kiss me ~
Old man, you made that? I've hearn you
tell it afore-but you made it, )" said the old lady.
Well, well | told her, squire, ses !, come
down TO it now hang the cow-shet your eyes
hold your breath land upon that size bussed
SOS you might heard it quarter, and since,
nobody's had better kissin' than me! Now, that
was my first ixperance about beiG ugly, arter
was grown and 'twant so bad neither?
The next time my ugly feeturs came into
play, was in Mobile; was you ever thar Worst
place on the green yearth; steamboats,, oysters,
free niggers, furriners, brick houses-hell that's
the place! went down on a fatboat from We
tumpky, with old J ohm Todd, We had a fGstraie
time OF it, 'twel We got most to Mobile, ard then
the steamboats, would run close to US, that the
sloshin' would pretty nigh capsize us. They done
it for devilment Ny how old John cussed
but it done no good. AT last, ses J. 'I'll try 'em;
ef thar's emmy strength in cussin', I'll make 'em
ashamed = So the next one come along cayor-
tin and snOrtin' like it was gwne right into US
and did pass in twenty foot rz right up on
cotton bag, and ses | to the crowd-whch there
was most almighty on the guards of the
boat -ses ], you great Internal, raeket-niaLin'
smokin', snortin', hell totn' sons of thunder
"Afore | could git any furder in my cussin'
the crowd gin the most tremenjus, yearth shakin'
howl that ever was hearn-and one tellar, as they
was broadside with us, holl0red out, It's the old
he ugly himself! Great Cd what a mouth =
With that, thar was somethn' Tained and ratified
III our boat like bail, only heVer, and directly
me and old John picked up level peck Of buck
hern-hand'ed knives ! I'll be darn'd this mint if
we didn't"
Old Mrs. Wallis looked to heaven, as if appeal
ing there for the forgiveness of some great sin
her ugly consort had committed; but che said
nothing
so lost nothin' by ben' ugly that time
Arter got into Mobl,, hOwsever, was bothered
and pestered by the people steppn il the street
to look at me-all dirty and iightwood smoked
as was, from bein' Oh the boat"
q think Id cleaned up little" inteypossd
tidy Lucy.
Old oman aint you got nary cold tater to
choke that gai with Well they'd look at me
the hardest you ever seen. Bnt got ahead o.
my story A few days afore, thar had been boat
busted, and heap o. people scalded and Killed,
one way and another. So at lat, as went into a
grocery, squad o. people followed me in, and one
bo ffe Of A,,,
ers by the Dustin of the Franklin, and upon that
he aXed me to drink with him, and as had my
tumbler half way to my mouth, lie stopped me
of a sudden
Beg yonr pardon, anger-but'-ses he.
SO But-what p aes |.
'Jist fir your mouth that tCdy again p ses he
" done it, just like was gwne to drink, and
III be cussed if didn't think the whole on EN-
would 60 into fits they yelled and whooped like
gang of wolves. Finally, one of 'em ses,
don't make fpn of the uniortunate; he's hardly
got over bein' blowed up yet. Less make up a
puss for him. Their they all throwed in, and
made up five dollars; as the spokesman handed
me the change, be axed me- Whar did you find
yourself after the 'splOsonF
E" In fiat boat ses !.
:" How far from the Franklin? :? ses he.
Why ses /, 'I never seen her, but as nigh
as ! can guess, it must have been from what they
tell me, nigh on to three hundred and seventy
five miles You oughter "a seen that gang scat
ter. AS they left, ses one, It's him. It's the
ugly man of ALI
''Knockin' round the place, came upon one
o these fellers that grinds music outn mahog-
any box He had a little monkey along-the
peartest, least bit of critter, you ever seed
Well ben' fond of music and varmints, | gifts
pretty close to the masheen, and id eff 'twan't
bard to tell which got the most praise, ME Or the
monkey Howsever at last, got close up, and
the darn thing ketcht sight of me and squalled |!
1t jumped off'n the box in fright, and hang'd
itself by it's chain. The grinder histed it up
agin, but 1t squalled moren ever, and jerked and
twisted and run over the keeper, and jumped Off
his back, and heng'd itself agn. The sight o.
me had run it distracted AT last the grinder
bilt it to his bosom, and ses he:
"Go ways, oagey man maungkee fraid
much oagly!' Ses |, Go to the devil you old
heathen-you see he was some sort of Dutch
chap OF another-if you compar me to your dirty
mnnleu anin. I'll throw il elllards. and snlii