The weekly Ottumwa courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1857-1872, 1858-03-25
ssIf I were a Man."
BIZ sHIsLEY.

Don't wish that were maa! Wouldn't
set the beaver-hatted population an example
OF brilliant perfection! Wouldn't make
myself generally agreeable to all the ladies',
and talk to 'em as il they had souls above
bonnets! What glorious man should make!
wouldn't stand on the hotel steps and puff
clouds Of villainous tobacco smoke into the
eyes Of all the pretty girls that 60 past, nor
spit on the pavements to spoil their little shoes
and njire their temper!
wouldn't set my huge heel down on the
trains Of their silken dresses, to tear 'em half
off; and tfink-Pm not quite sure, but
fhink-pd knock down the first brute who
dared to complain OF the circumference of their
garments!
And when they come into car or omnibus,
wouldn't stick nv nose into newspaper, or
look abstractedly out Of the window, nor get
up gru.nbling, "Always the way with these
women!" Not a bit Of ii! Pd spring up like
patent Tndia-rubber ball, and if the old bach.
eioT on the rght-hand side, and the spruce
clerk on the left-hand side, didn't compress
themselves into the smallest possible space, to
make room for the crinoilnes, I'D know the
reason whyl
And then, when get married (for to what
end was created, il not to paw the milliner's
bills OF some blessed little bit OF womankind, }
wouldn't make model husbandl Do you
suppose should bother her sweet little life
ont Of her, by grumbling because paltry but
ton had dropped off shirt-collar, or string
of dickey? Do you think I'd explode like
a camphene lamp every time found rip in
my gloves? I'd like to see myself STOPPING to
any such littlenesses!
Iwouldn't consult the almanac every time
she bought new bonnet, TO see just how many
weeks she had WON the old one; and wouldn't
snarl like cioss tiger-cat whenever the coffee
happened to be cold or the beef-s steak raw, Just
as il wanted her to abase herself in dust and
ashes, and burn up her rosy little face before
the kitchen fire, while I sat with my heels on
the table, reading the paper in the next room.
Iwouldn't use profane language when she
asked me 10 button up her sweet little gaiter-
boots, or to fasten her gloves, or even to carry
her parcels down Broadway, on rainy day
which last consider to be an infallible test Of
patience and meekness.
wouldn't gorge myself with wine and oys-
tsrs and cigars at the fashionable downtown
restaurant, while my wife dined at home on
cold mutton, and then look as black as an over
charged thunder-cloud, when the grocer's
fslittle bill" came in; wouldn't expend small
fortune IN diamond shirt-studs, extravagant
broadcloth. and fancy canes, and then mntter
about "hard times'' when she ventured to ask
me for half a dollar to buy check for the baby's
apronsl
And rather think I'd 20 shopping with her.
too, when she kinted 60 that effect; instead Of
inventing excuses about Smith, or Brown, or
lhs clab--aye, and pay her bills too, without
screwing up my mouth - il / had the cramp
in my Facet And u shs looked into q shop
window and admired thity- dollar collar, I'd
walk straight in and hny II for her, instead Of
fsigning 70 Be absorbed in the signs opposite,
and ssforgsttins 70 hcsr' what she said.
When came homo at night, wouldn't
make . bear Of myself, behind the evening
paper, and snswer savagely, when .Ae timidly
sksd what Twas reading, Woms. can't un-
derStand poIiticsl' No, indeedl would read
her all The anecdotes, play with the children,
pull the passy's ears, and tell her bow becom-
Ing her nsw elk was. I1at's the w-y to keep
4Aswssssu good nasured, take my word for it,
and what pesttier sight i there in the world
tAan good-hamored woman Mind, don't