Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-03-03
A Race with q Widow.

Oh, merciful Jehosophat and big on.
ions, what time I've had with that
widder. We chartered an omnibus
for two on Christmas, and started
Widder, said l, where shall we 90 to
She blushed, and said she didn't like to
say l told her she must say.
'Well, Jehuel, if you insist upon it,
and | am to have my choice, I had
rather go to church."
sWhat for, widder!" said I.
ooh, Jehuel, how co,, you ask me ?''
s'Cause / want to know" said I.
"W Well-(b (blushing redder than beef
it is such cold weather now, and the
nights are so awful cold and-oh, Je-
huel, l can't say it,
ooh, pshaw, widder, spit it out, what
do YOU mean?"
The widder riled. She billed right
over like a quart of milk on the fire,
and burst out with
eff you can't understand me, you're
a heartless brute, so you are.''
''Hold your horses!" said I. "What
Is all this about! I'm not a brute, nor
never was and if man called me that
I'd boot him, sure.''
And then billed right over, and un-
buttoned my coat collar to keep from
Dustin off my buttons. The widder
saw l was going to explode, or else
collapse my windpipe, and she flung
her arms round my neck, put her lips
to mine and cooled right down.
"Jehuel, dear!'' said she, in an insin-
ivatin' way and voice as sweet as a
hand organ, 'Jehuel, honey, wanted
to go to church to get naur-no can't
say it all, you finish the word, Jehuel,
sweet" .. ....i. -. ...
"Whdt word, marm?'' ...... E..
''Oh, you stupid Jehuel, dear.
mean the word married, Jehuel, love-
married, widder!'' said /, "did yo,l
mean that 90
ssIndeed l did, Jehuel, lover'
Look here, marin, my name isn't
Jehuel love, nor Jehuel dear, nor Jehu-
ell sweet, I'd have you to know. And
[ wont get married to nobody but one,
and you are not the she.''
Oh pewter pennies, but didn't she
rave! She made one dash at me,
lodged, and she went butt up against
the upper end of the omnibus. Crack
went her comb, and smash went that
bran new bonnet that [ didn't buy for
her and down she went with her face
in the straw. But in a moment she
rose again, and made one more dash at
me. l dropped-she went over me
and butted the door of the omnibus
The strap broke and out she went-her
gaiter boots higher than her head as
she struck the pavement.
''Drive on!'' I yelled to the driver.
"W oman overboard-woman over
board!' yelled a passing sailor.
"Stop that white coat-breach of
promise-reward- herald publish -
shrieked the widder, in tones of mortal
agony, while tears of blood streamed
from her beautiful pug nose.
''Drive on-drive on!'' I shouted.
"Where to % asked the driver.
''To the Devil-to Harlem-Ma-
combs Dam-Degroots- anywhere so
that we escape matrimony and the wild
der"
He started, so did the widdcr, and
then we had it up the avenue, the buss
having the start OF about hundred
yards. Foot by foot the widder gain
ed. Thinks ], Jehuel, you are goner.
/ thought it was best to tighten ship
SO first | hove overheard the straw
Still she gained on me. Then over
board went the cushions. But still she
gained. "More steam, driver, for mer-
cy's sake!'' | yelled.
owe are going faster than the law
allows now," he answered. ssThirteen
miles an hour
Jehosophat, how the widder did run:
she hove off her bonnet and came up
hand over hand. A thought struck me,
so | off with my white coat and flung
it right down in her path. She sprang
on it like a she panther, and tore it to
pieces; oh, how they flew. [ wept to
see it go, but life is sweeter than coat,
and my tailor is making me new one;
here we gained full two hundred yards;
but on she came again; once more I
could see the green in her eyes; merci-
full Moses, how / felt.
Driver" said l, "kill them horses
or get another mile out of them.''
'Will you pay for 'em % he said.
"l es, yes, yes" said l, 'sonly save
me from the widder.''
By cracky, we did slide; the widder
no longer gained, but she held her own
beautifully. Thus we had tout pass
ed the red house-through Harlem
where Capt. Graham, with three noun
ted policemen, in vain attempted to
catch us, he probably supposing that
we were running away with some bank
fund. My only hope was in reaching
Degroot's ahead of her, for ! !.s;lew
they would hide me. We were on the
bridge, and, oh, Moses, the draw was
up, and sloop going through. 'Dri-
ver," said l, '..jump that bridge and
will make your fortune for life, as sure
as you're born"
s'1'll do it or die - he cried. Andhe
did it, The widder jumped after us,
fell into the Harlem river, and hasn't
been heard of since.