Raftsman's journal. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1854-1948, 1858-09-01

MIR. srurrs AND Ills WIFE.

MR.. STUTTS AND HIS WIFE.
Suits got taken in at one of those fashiona-
BILE "perditionaries' called watering places.
You see, Suits wasn't worth more than ten
cents on a dollar. He smoked inordinately,
and had waited patiently for an old aunt to die
for five years, because he expected TO become
heir at the end of that time. But unfortunate
ly for him, she ssscared up'' husband worse
than that, she "scared up' baby. Alas, poor
Suits But he rallied raised goat; impe-
rial and mouStache practiced singing; wore
a rose in his button-hole; and determined to
go in and win wife from among the rich up
per crusts. With this view, he bent his steps
TO Newport. Suits looked over the entrance
book, saw the name of Miss Arimethea Fitz
Google and servant, and ''thats the talk ~
said he, s'she's rich; and beautiful, may be;
go in, Suits, for your living Go in like
man!'' He got an introduction, and danced
attendance on her nine days and a quarter;
had just five dollars left; concluded something
must be done darned quick; went down on his
marrow bones to her, kissed her finger rings;
told her he had pistol all loaded if she said
no, he meant to put the whole charge right
into her gizZard would love her till death,
and after that too, if he could; so Arimethea
FitZ Google bent down her head and whisper
ed ssYes." Oh, Lord Suits felt like an un-
broken colt that night. He drank champagne
and burnt cigars till morning, determined to
pay for them after he was ssbone of her bone"
Well, both were in a hurry, and soon the twain
were made one flesh, as far as the ceremony
was concerned.
Suits went to bed first; men often do that,
although it is not customary He lay there
watching his idol disroGe, with all the fond,
blissful feelings of young husband on 4 we'd
ding night. He had wife, a real live lady,
with lots of means! The gas was left burning,
so he had good view of what he had never
beheld before, namely wifo coming to bed.
Mrs. Suits glanced at her lord who pretended
to snorc softly, in order that he might not ter
rify her. Poor thing as if a woman who fire.
quents watering places don't get used to eve
rything- Well, she went to the dressing bu-
rea uand proceeded to take off two masses of
ringlets, leaving a very small amount OF that
very important article of female beauty. Mr..
Suits heart gave a terrific bound, and then
stood still. He opened his eyes to see what
would come next. When she put both her
hands into her mouth and undid her upper jaw,
which dropped instanter; she wiped it care
fully and laid it before the hair. Suits gasp
ed plainly, and thrusting his feet against the
footboard, calculated sdam,' with nation be-
hind it, and began to think of his sins. By
and by she undid her form, and off came pair
of funny looking whalcbone things, leaving
her ANYTHING but an attractive armful.
Oh, mercy Suits bit his tongue, and his
eyes nearly starting from his head he
spelt mad-dog backwards half a dozen times,
and-kept looking. Then she put her fin
ger W HcI leit eye, duu, HOfiot ouI IL SaiiS.
Suits Topped right over and groaned in ago.
ny, biting the bed clothes, and jerking his feet
up and down like madman. Mrs. s. asked
him if he was sick NNo," roared Suits, 81
am just recovering.' Presently the Newport
beauty raised her skeleton and undid her leg,
and before Suits could fly out of bed of came
the leg, with beautifuld silk stocking and
satin gaiter on it. Suits raised out of he'd
and sezed his pants. Mrs. S. seized him. She
hung on, and he pulled distractedly.
ssLet go of me, you-you-you female mon
| stcr!'' roared Suits; sshow dare you deceive
me in this way7 Let go, say, or L will a
| larm the inmates of the hotel, and expose
| youi'' ssDo," said Mrs. S., sand inform them
what kind of a wife you succeeded in getting,
after coming here expressly for the purpose.
1 have got you, and don't intend to give you
up; so go to work my dear, like young man
| should, and support me-" ssSupport you 20
shreked Suits. 'sGreat heaven you don't
| M to tell me that you are poor-that you
haven't got noney-plenty of means, you
know And Suits hair, goat, imperial and
moustache brstled up in agony. SCOT no
money? no, you fiat, none no more than
yourself. You owe for that leg of mine, and
you've got to pay for it came here to get a
husband-I have got one; you came 10 get
wife-we are both deceived-you are worth
nothing and | am worth the same amount.
Now, what are you going to do about it 2"
ssThisi'' said Stutt calmly drawing on his trow-
sers. 81 going to leave, and this is how l
will pay you, 20 And seizing her leg, he threw
it out of the window. Mrs. S. screamed-Mr.
S. flew down stairs out of the door-away-
LAID low all the next day; got on craft bound
for New York, and in course of time arrived.
He has never seen Mrs. S. since, but he heard
she had gone to California.