Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-09-29


nation Of Electricity and the Odylic
force, clothed in flesh and blood. If,
therefore, you can concentrate and
combine these elements in proper pro-
portions, you can make men as fast as
YOU lease. By a recent wond erful in
vention, by Professor A-gass-he-is, we
have got p machine for superseding,
entirely, the necessity Of being born.
l will bring in my machine and show
you how it works. Here, YOU see,
is generator Of electricity, and on this
side it is impregnated with magnetism
and runs off into this vat, pure Odyle.
Now, we fill this vat with due quanti-
ties Of the kind of food which a man
needs to produce the right proportion
CT bone, muscle and nerve, run it off
after it has become fused, into these
moulds for men, women, and children,
OF all sizes from six months old to for
ty years; leave it to harden a few min
utes, and then insert this pipe into the
mouth Of the subject, tqr.2 on stream
of electricity, and the body begins to
move-sneezes-and finally shouts,
halloo let me out d! and your man is
made to suit your taste. | can make
you a son and heir, who shall be Just
twenty years old, in fifteen minutes
Or, if you prefer two year old baby*,
it will only ts}1s twelve minutes
Would you like baby? Our charge
is reasonable, sir, and ten per cent. dis
count to clergyman. Viii you order
q son or daughter:"
(No answer. bir Fogy is on the
point Of swooning.)
"lou see the adaptation Of this ma
chine is wonderful. One Of them will
turn out one hundred full-grown men
i'll a day, it was by this process we man
ufactured the voters to carry the Penn
sylvania election for Buchanan last fall
We had several Of our machines in full
blast night and day, between the State
and presidential election III that State.
Mr.. Buchanan paid for the sourkrout
and cotton to feed our machine. Our
company would not take Mariposa scrip
and so Fremont did not employ us and
lost his election. Altcllin&on 4pd String
fellow had two Of our machines at work
turning out Border Ruiiian voters in
Kansas, for months. But we we're
compelled to feed the machine with so
much whisky, in order to supply the
Border Rutfians with the necessary
spirit, that the ,10., aid not pay. We
don't like such Jobs. We prefer finer
work. We have now i'll contemplation
q contract with the leading denomina-
tiops to supply them with clergy. The
Theological Scnrnaries fpil to meet
the demand, as you see by the news
papers. There is great deal clerical
mourning in the land, and we alone
can comfort these mourners. You see
oVr scheme is magnificent. We can
make q Calvlnist or Armenian, an or
thodox or hetrodox man, as you like,
bv varying the component, mental and
moral material To make Calvinist,
we dissolve Calyin's Institutes and DR..
u s., Commentaries TO our machine
If he is 10 be Baptist we put in a vol
ume or two of Andrew Fuller's work.
4 Methodist requires ayolumc of Wes-
lcy's sermons and FIctcher's checks.
n tthlS ,waT, N2p see, We can vary the
article to suit the market. For nice
young city preacher, like Mr.. Spurgcon
we put in a few novels, little rosewa-
ter, dccotion Of moonlight, and balm
OF a Thousand flowers We can make
a FIVE hundred or FIVE thousand ooilar
to order We tried once to make a
Henry Ward Bcecher, but it took SO
nlveh electricity to dissolve Bible and
Sharp's rife, that the machinery blow
ed up, and we gave it up. Now, sir
what do you think Of our plan2''
"What is the name fyour machine::.
g2sped out Mr.. Fogy.
''Public Sentiments. sir, Public Sen
timent! All, there goes the bell. |
have but thirty seconds TO reach the
depot. | shall be compelled to swal-
low streak of Il ghtning! You see I
put my mouth to this oritice, and the
lightning streams down my throat
Write me by telegraph. The shock
may startle You as turn on the light
ming, but here goesn'
There was a flash, and the agent
vanished ont Of the door, and Mr.. Fo
gy was left sprawling, stunned by the
explosion.) JOHN PROD.
*He should haze applied to Mrs. Cunning
ham