Staunton vindicator and general advertiser. (Staunton, Augusta County, Va.) 1858-1860, 1858-09-11
Hlisfcllaneou5.
(From Widow Bagly's Hnsband-)
Old Bill Wallis, the Ugly Man.

It's no use argufin' the matter-I am
the ugliest man now on the top of dirt.
Thar's nary nothing like me. I'm crowd
by myself. I alters was. The fust know'd
of it, tho was when I was about ten years
old, [ went down to the spring branch one
mornin' to wash my face; I looked in the
water, and seen the shadow Of my face.
Great Golly how I run back, hollerin for
nanny every jump. That's the last time
[ seen my FACET darsen't but shet my
eyes when I 60 about waterp
Don't you use glass when you shave? z
I enquired.
Glass! what glass could stand it 2
'twould bust it if it was an inch thick,
Lucy told her father he was too bad, and
that he knew it was no such thing and the
old man told her she was a saucy gal, and
to huld her tongue.
Yes he continued, its so, I hav'nt
seen my face in forty years, but [ know
how it looks. Well, when | crowd up, |
thort it would be the duce to find woman
that'd be willing to take me, ugly as was. F"
sOh, you wasn't so uncommon hard fa-
vored when you was young man, said old
Mrs. Wallis.
'Oncommon tell you when [ was ten
years old fly wouldn light on my face
and it can't be much wuss now !-Shet up,
and let me tell the Squire my Experience
It's no use to be runnin ones self down
that way, daddy. It amt right
'Runnin' down! Thunder and lightning,
Luce, you'll have me as good looking d.
rectly as John Bozeman, your sweet heart. "
! AS he said this, ole Bill looked at me and
succeeded in half covering the ball Of the
left eye, by way Of wink. Lucy said no
more.
The old man continued:
well, hard as I thort it'd be to get a
wife, fust thug / know'd, had Sally here;
and she it, or was as pretty as any of 'em.
| Old Mrs. Wallis knitted convulsively,
and coughed slightly.
sHowsoever, she never kissed me afore
we was married, and it was a long time ar
ter afore she did. The way Of it was this !:
we had an old one horned COW, mighty
onery looking, old as the North Star, and
poor as black snake. One day went
out into the lot
Daddy, wouldn't tell that exclaimed
Lucy, in the most persuasive tone imagln-
able.
'Drot eff don't tho'-it's the truth--and
eff you don't keep still I'll send for Bozeman
to hold you quiet in the corner Lucy pout-
ed little and was silent.
Yes, went out to the lot, and thar,
sure as life, was my old 'oman, swung to
the cow, and the old thing flynn round, and
cuttin' up all sorts of shines. SEES L. what
are you up to old 'oman ?'-And with that
she let 90, and told me she was trying to
practice kissin' on old Cherry, and she
thort arter that she could make up her mind
to kiss me-
sOle man, you made that; I've hearn
you tell it afore, but you made it, said the
old lady.
We'll, we'll I told her, squire, ses I,
come down to it now, hang it shet your
eyes-hold your breath ! and upon that she
busscd so'st you might herd it quarter Of
a mile, and since that nobody has had bet
ter kissin' than me. Now that was my first
experience about bein' ugly, arter | was
grown; 'twarnt so bad nuther."
The next time my ugly features came in.
to play was in Mobile was you ever thar
Wurst place on the green yearth steam
boats, oysters, free niggers, and bricl
houses ?-that's the place [ went down OF
a fiat boat from Wetumky with old John
Todd We had fust rate time of hit, till
we got most to Mobile, and then the steam
boats would run so close to US, that thu
sloshin would pretty nigh capsize us; They
. done it for devilment. My how old Johl
! cussed, but it done no good. At last, Sc
I, I'll try 'em, eff thar's any strength II
cussin,' IN make 'em ashamed. So the mex
one came along cavortin and snortln' lik
it was gwine right into us, and did pass il