The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-12-18
roo FAST vs.. TOO SLOW.
Enter Mr.. Fogy, walking backwards and
wards in the parlor Of bis parsonage. d.

forwards in the parlor OF bis parsonage.
Oh, this crazy world this crazy world
everything goes by steam, except what runs
by lightning. Hark! there is n scream 40
il a hundred devils screamed at once, and
then roar, and the rattle Of wheels, and q
train of cars rush by like comet endowed
with life. Every thing is on the high press
ure system. verify believe that the earth
is a locomotive, With voicanos for a smoke
pipe and the ceiest!als lave bull, u railroad
to 'etcrnal smash" and We are all aboard
tho train, with crazy devil for engineer,
With tie breakmcn all Grcnk or nsleop! How
can Il respectable old gentleman live On this
planet Everything is in whirl, business
men, politicians, lawyers, everything but
clergymen seem in a brain fever, and even a
few % the clergy are forever talking of pro-
gress until life has become great scram.
bic to get ahead. Whist shall | do ? wish
| could get into one Of these planets that
turn around once, in seven years. Wouldn't
| that be nice place for conservative old
gentleman? One year of calm twilight
two years and half Of night! Think of the
long evenings resting six months from day.
! light to sunrise-a month to eat breakfast
in !; then year and half to sundown a.
gain, with six months siesta en- sofa ut
noon, and SO on TO the end. All that
would be a life Of the sort Cor me. But il
one dies here, he cannot rest. The sririt-
ualists will have hive him Knocked about
in no time. lie must tip the tables, make
speeches for Judge EdmOnds, and turn prof.
! Ilare's spirit catcher: Mat On earth shall
| do?
| There ding dong goes the door-bcll, as
/ if the house was on fire. Some man of pro-
gress, III be bound, with another new idea
il his head.
"Bridgct! Bridget! Where is the Irish
hu.zy 2"
bridget from the top Of the stairs,)
"here, what do you want!'
"Go to the door the bell rings"
"Yes, in minute. But Fve got me
hoops on, and can't get down stairs, the
way is to narrow. Wait until get on q
chair, to climb out Of my new dress.''
"Wait, you huzzy! There goes the bell
again. must so to the door myself, or
the bell wire will be broke"
(Mr. Fogy goes to the door, where young
man of eighteen, with patent leather beots,
with patent hat on his patent head, turn
ed out by Fowler 'sWellS, practical phrenol-
ogi>ts, stands at the door. looking like o
| live fashion plate from Genio Sco,t's.)
"Ah, my boy, what dosyou want ?''
"Boy am not boy, sir, (twirling his
patent goatee,) am general agent for the
society for improving the race, and have
come to lay our plans before you and get
your patronage"
"Ah, yes, with groan) walk in SIR"
81 have just ten minutes and three quar-
ters to spare; before the lightning train
leaves for the city Of "Go-i,- while You're
young,' and | can develope the grandest
scheme for regeneratins men, that has ever
been discovered in that tme.''
"Regenerating men? Why, sir, l have
been preaching Gospel regeneration these
forty years. The only way know Of it is
for them to repent and live pure lives:
'Oh that's all out of date. Why nova
days man can become christian in thirty
seconds by the watch. 1t don't chance bis
life at all. lie can cheat and gamble in pol
itics and lotteries, buy and sell negroes and
lie himself into Office all just as well. The
parson does up the picty now days, and all
That IA fashionable sinner has to do is to
sign the paper, (creeds believe they call
them, )pay his quarteragc, and he can geta
free pass on the first class trains to heaven,
where he can spree empt the best site for
heavenly mansions," and '.realize'' for his
lots in three days! That old idea of Pill
grim's Progress is all down in the market,
and won't pay 10 ccnts,,on dollar. But |
want to show you my PLAN"
(Mr. Fogy starss-too much stuck up to
speak.l
You see, sir, man is but combination
Of electricity and Odyyllic force, clothed in
flesh and blood If, therefore, you can con.
centrate and combine these elements in
proper proportions, You can make men as
fast as you please. BY recent wonderful
invention, by n Prof. Agass he-is, we havo
got machine for superceIins entirely tho
necessity of being born. will bring in
my machine, and show you how it works.
Here you see, is generator Of electricity,
and on this side 1t is imprcgnatcd with mag
ncti>m and runs of in;o the vat, pure Odyle.
Now, we nil this vat with due quantities Of
the kind OF food which man needs to pro-
cure the right proportion of bone, muscle,
and nerve, run it on after it has become fus-
ed, into these moulds for men, women and
children, Of all sizes, from six months old
to forty years; leave it to harden in few
minutes, and then insert this pipe into the
mouth of the subject, turn on a stream of
electricity, and the body begins to move
sncezcs-fnally shouts, s'hallo! let me
out" and your man is made to suit YOUR
taste.''
''lou see the adaptation OF the machine is
wonderful. One of them will turn out ono
hundred full grown men in day. 1t was
by this process we manufactured the voters
to carry the Pennsylvania election for Bu::
chanan last fall. We had several of our
machines in full blast, night and day, be-
tween the State and Presidential elections i'm
that State. Mr.. Buchanan paid for the
sour krout and cotton to feed our machine:
Our company would not take AIariposa
scrip, and so Fremont did not employ US
and lost his election. Atchison and String.
fellow had two of our machines at work
turning out border Ruffian voters in Kansas,
for months. But were compelled to feed
the machine with so much whiskey, in order
to supply the Border Rufians with the nec-
essary spirit, that the job did not paw. We
don't like such jobs. Weprefer finer work.
We have now in contemplation a contract
with the leading denominations to supply
them with clergT. The Theological Sem;n-
aries fail to meet the demand, as you So @ bv
the newspapers. There is great clerical
mourning in the land, and we alone can
comfort these mourners. You see our
scheme is magnificent. We can make
Calrftist or Armenian, or orthdox or h. ..,o
dog man, as you like, hy varying IT, = COM.
ponent, mental and moral material. To make
a Calvinist, we dissolve Calvin 4 Institutes
and DR.. G.'s Commentaries ir. our mach;nc
If he is to be Baptist, we put in a volnmo
or two Of Andrew Fuller works. A Mctb.
odist requires volume Of Weslev,s sermon.
and Fletcher's check. In this way, Won sea,
we can vary '..oe article to suit Tho
market. FOR n nice young PREACHER, like
Mr.. spurgeor., we put in a few novels, lit
tie roSew."',er,a decoction of moonlight, and
'balm q thousand howers.''
" { can make a five hundred or a fys
thousand dollar article to o.der. We .r;ed
once to make Henry Ward Beecher. but i;
took so much electricity to dissolve a Biale,
and saarpe's rife, that the IN. s.,i,iaerv blew
up and we gave it up. N9x, sir, what do
Soa think of Our plan?''
y" hat y the nsmc Of your machine ?''
kSpp' ,I;o