The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-10-23
A SHORT PATENT SERMON.
By DOW, ~.

the hopes Of living to- morrow. In manv
instances, they deny themselves the comlorts
Of IL hog in the psn-the fowl in it's hermit
age-the frog in its puddle, or blind
donkey in II thistle patch. And all this in
the vain expectation of being ready to enjoy
themselves to morrow, which, alas! to them
never comes. But how should Won i've TO
enjoy yourselves, and stretch out life to its
full extent-say one hundred years? That
is the period which every mortal should
reach-fve times the nge "f pub-rty-ths
same as do all animals. True, human Il.
istence has been greatly razsrd since the
whole world had to depend upon single
| pair OF whites to populate It; but there 10
no good reason why you should not travel
with enough vigor to give your toes a good
smart stub Mt the curb b-stuncs Of century,
Some go for sholt life and merry one;
and they are sure TO accomplish the
br-vity rar, if they persist in making thrm-
selves continually merry at the expense VI
nature.
Suppose, my brethren, make nm arith-
meticai calculation concerning living, rs
connected with the lcn.thrning or do2 -tall.
ing mans terrestrial existence. Suppose
a man to have charged against hun tho
following, to be subtracted from his term
of life:
Years substracted.
Prolonged grief so
Early and excessive indulgence in bad
brandy 40
Table excesses 20
Cares of business 80
Wet fert and damp apartments Is
Disappointment 1T love (uncertain) say IL
Pangs of conscience OO
Over c1ertion Of body or mind, daily 60
Total 235
As all these together amount to 235 Years
you may well suppose that its subs,raction
J would reduce mans little brea hing sp, Il,
to considerably less than no me ut nll; but
you must r-coliect my fellow c!yrherer. and
sufferers, that every human. however prodi.
gal be may he of hrs health. occasionally
does something which is put dewn to him
on the opposite page Of the account book.
Now suppose the self same ind. idual VIII. In
/ | have copmenced figuring At, is IN the end
to he credited with the following: let Us see
how the account will stand:
Years added.
! Occasional fasting Is
! Air and exercise, to neutralize the effects
of bad brandy 30
| Ten minutes laughter ut a Ike 40
! Setting husn, IS aside anu taking flying
I trip behind Il three minute nag 25
Whistling unrequited love down the wind 10
Taking pure schnapps after wet feet and
! clothes 20
Rest and mild cigar after fatigue So
Total 100
Now, my friends, to strike n balance he.
tween the shortening, by excuses Of 235
years, and the result Of said mortals exist.
/ ,rnuIl k, e.
than he ought to, and might live by Il ,rle
closer management. That's so. Your
gutta percha preacher dnn't intend to dis.
solve so long as there is hoininy in the land,
and oxygen in the atmosphere, and the
world remains repository Of fun and rich
anecdotes.
Figures, my brethren, are dry fndder, 80
now for ga little more cider.' tell YOU
it's no way to live-it's Lad management
| to expose ones health, to overtax ones
bodily or mental powers, anL then have vile
apothecary trotted through him to get
well. livery scour you thus set is similar
to polishing case knife with rotten stone
it grows brighter with every rub, but re-
markably thin in the end.
"Better range the fields for health unbough.,
Than fee the doctof poisonou draught."
Our young ladIes-lleavrn kiss them -
all wish to live while they l,v--to .niuy
their beauty and natural loveliness; but I
must make bold t. say they 90 the wrong
way to work. They resort t" too much IT
the. artificial to sustain them in their
hopes, at that period when their youn. buds
of love should expand into the full beauty
of bloom. | have nothing to say against
those t-d'ye-calI'eus!- hoops. They
are harmless contrivances, AMI vii hal. open.
.l | frpp and airr-Wa oil sutSutn nt,.i r., I,b
full ventilation. But must prosest, my
dear or, atures against your tight lncing-
your squeezing yourselves 50 un l. erc,fu,iy,
when there are 50 many more ag.e-uble
methods of getting squeezed always conve-
nlent. | don't, moreover, admire your insect
waists, which it seems if an extra pull ut
the strings would "ut sleek in two. Tho
first and only girl your minister ever loved,
was slightly dutch built; and when extra
tightenel around the middle, she resembled
an 8. o how liked th.t figure? also
protest against chalk and paint. They stop,
clog and choke up the thousand pores Uf
the cheek, and when washed off, leave ur
skin as dry and shrivelrd as = parchcd
sleeps pelt. Neither eat arsenic. as do the
foolish ladies of Austria; for, although il
may increase your strength, give apparent
soundness to your limbs, and add frrslu,ess
to your cheeks for time, verify. you shall
pay most dearly for its favors. Ave, 70
shall be cut down like clover that falls IN
full bloom.
Don't live fast, my friends, for that ia
over livins-crowding life into an unc"m-
Portable small space. Beware Of prolonged
excitement. An accidental Or artificial
arousin. ones emotion and ideas is all vsry
good and perhaps acccSSary; but u long
= ,.h,,b.r vi ,,.h
always has dou 'ls- back action attached
to it, which, Of IA truth, is far from agr-ea-
BILE. Like Patrick's gun, it is sure ~ shopt
T at both ends.
T Live calmly. slowly, moderately, SYSTEM
atically, prndcntly but generously, gsilv,
. good humoredr, and always glad I" km"w
that there are hearts in the world rs happy
AZ your own. Don't fret and fume away
your lfe-substance in the pursuit Of gold,
IN order that YOU may find enjoy ment there.
! from'in your winning years; for n. days
, will suddenly come when you shall say,
Nv gold avaie,h me nothing-i have neither
the power nor the inclination to enjoy il |!
7 Then mayhap, you will say, will lay my
, treasure up in heaven and have II snug liti 10
capital to begin eternity with. Bat this
won't answer; you must leave your riches
behind, to be iavishly handled by those
whose motto in all likelihood will BE-, s.Livs .
!, while you live, and let Death tumble at Nm
empty pocket. .- -... -....
. My brethren, the man who really knows
how to live, SO as t" extracr all the rich juice
Of long life, hath wisdom; and the young
woman who enters upon the world with
the same knowledge and 10 governed by
pure and virtuous impu ses. hath something
more valuable IN her bosom than u wad OF
raw cotton. So mote it be! tsr -
/ . CO Once upon time n Frenchman taunt,
ed AN En9lishman with being nationally do.
. fcient in the inventive faculty. ..Youy
nation," said the Gascon, .shas no imaguna.
l tion. We invent, while you can do nothing
but improve" The Englshman cursiy
. answered. "Perhaps you are rishs. Iaks
r the shirt, for example. You iavsessa -