Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1858-04-21

the Ark of the Covenant, i'm the streets of
Jerusalem, and kicked so high that his
wife was scandalised, closed the book
smoked a penny scgar, and !clt better.
After smoking u good spell, and mcdi-
talng a spell longer, | begon convcrsa-
ton with myself, and says | professor
Snodgrass, if you keep on this way YOU
will soon be a miserable old cuss, and your
latter end will be too awful to think Of"
And then ] entered into an agreement
with myself to reform immcdiatcly and
for this purpose it seemed advisable to at-
tend the next ball, and strengthen my
moral constitution, by acting as an indif-
tercnt spectator, abstaining from all par
ticipation in the deycluiGs of the occa-
sion
The next ball soon came and Garly in
the evening | washed my face uncommon
clean, and turned my cuwatcr in the di-
rcction Of the ball. A goodly company
was assembled, presenting glorious OPP
port9uity for man Of taste to study the
various ramiicatons OK human and wo-
man nature.
My eyes rested first on the splendid
form and expressive face of Mary Fitz-
gerald. She was the belle or the ball, be-
yond a pcradyenture. 1t was difficult to
decide which fitted the bcst--her dress to
her person, or her person to her Dress
Each seemed made for the other. And
felt throbbing sensation in the region
of the gizZard when she moved through
the cotillion, with the graceful dignity and
elegant ease of an eastern qucen.-
Thinks to myself: "What shame it is
that that magnificent girl is destined, in
after life, to be burdencd with the little
cares, and little sorrows, and the little
babies of this lower world
Next on the list stood Maria Dram, the
fairy humming bird of that galaxy of
beauty. Her little feet. as they played on
the floor, sent forth n soft melody that fell
on my heart like drops Of honey on hot
rock.
The band played a waltz, and my friend
Jake, the dancing master, disappeared in
"a cloud of imported muslin. While eX-
ploring for his whereabouts, ! became
mentally distracted, and, while in a state
of half-way-bctwccnity, ! tumbled from
the tower Of moral rectitude into the mid
die OF Il cheat and Jig | was some
what oblivious till young lady planted
herself right before me and come the
double pigcon-wing. held out my hands
and she just touched them with the tips
of her lingers-threw her body forward to
an angle offorty -itrerlegrces-and trotted
around me in circle fifteen feet in diam
cter.
Before long, another living specimen
of the feminine gender appeared in front
of my corporosity, and when | held out
my hands to swing her, she just lifted her
left elbow to horizontal position, leaving
Leltmbband exposcdas much as to Say
"Tho coast is clear, old hoss if you
want genuine hug, wade in"
Did you ever sec a half starved iackass
walk into hay-stack If you did, you
can gather faint idea of how | walked
into the exposed territory of that lady S
physical department. My arm circum.
nayigatcd her waist in the twinklng of a
lambs lateral appcndage, and maybe her
skirts didn't snap before | restored her to
the perpendicular
am not responsible for what occurred
after that, for was as powcrlcss to resist
the current as a bob-tailcd gandcr goine
over Niagra Falls began to fell solu
brious, and imagined myself at a carnival
of the graccs. Art and beauty Joined
hands in the nuptial ceremony, and love
and melody tumbled promiscuously into
the frying-pan of delight. For three az
onizing hours | drifted through wilder,
ness ofhashing eyes, floating ringlcts and
ilultering pctticoats.
/ When the company went toy supper
found myself scattered all over the room
Hastily picking myself up, | went home
went to bed-but didn't went to rest
for before vas halfasleep | dreamed that
! was on the other side of Jordan, doom
cd to waltz through Purgatory with G
partner four feet and a-half through tn,
waist and four feet and six inches high
Nothing daunted, | went on, and com
monced kicking the bcd-clothes uu to tn,
ceiling, and the foot board out of the bed
stead.
Let the curtain fall time rolled on
ward into eternity since that awful night
and many who drifted with me through
| the whirlpool of excitement have "gonC
home"
| That was my last ball | have neve
been to one since.
am older now than ! was then: ther,
are frosty spots in the underJaw depart
ment of my whiskers but to my everlast
ing weakness be it said, that if one o
those peculiar institutions called women
should look sweetly at me, within sounC
Of hell fired fiddle, | should fly off tn,
handle.
Perhaps the oldest inhabitants of New
Brunswick have not forgotten Mary Fitz
gerald, the belle of the ball. There wer,
many others who flew over the floor at m,
/ last ball, who, perchance, ere this, hav,
suffered penance for the sin Of dancing
while securing dinner pots and spanking
babies.
] have written this veritablc story nci
ther in sorrow nor anger. And | recon-
mend its perusal to all who have any rel
ish for quiet rest and pleasant dreams.
If any man has the hardihood to ente
a ballroom after reading this warning, le
him bear in mind that the consequence
are on his own head my skirts are cleai
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