The emigrant aid journal of Minnesota. [volume] (Nininger City, Minn. Terr. [i.e. Minn.]) 1856-1858, 1858-01-27
From the Philadelphia Bulletin
LOVE AM

Oh, how I hated him-how l hated Richard Vlnely
-kneeling by my side, with that sort of hooking
triumph lighting up his deep eyes, and his proud, thin
lips, half parted, as if in expectation that | would say
something that be might wish to check. And who
would not have hated him as I did ? Let me tell you
how it was.
I had loved him more than a year-loved him, Heav'
en- only knows how passionately. Not more blindly or
entirely does the sllkworm weave itself with its own
shroud, than | wrapped myself up in his pleasure, his
admiration, his love. Not more trustingly turns the
fearless eagle to its mountain eyrie than |, foolish and
~con6ding turned to the bright, beautiful castles OF hope
which l had built on the rotten foundation of bis faith.
And yet II never thought of it till that day and oh,
with what a humiliating weight the knowledge came to
me } he had never asked me for my love-never asked
me for it openly, save by tender glances and pressures
of the hand, and those thousand delicate attentions
which are most precious to the jealous eyes and ears OF
affection. But l had not dreamed that such q passion
as mine could be poured forth and bring me no return:
I did not even imagine that his apparent devotion could
be wrongly understood and so l blndtolded myself,
and bewildered, content, happy, rushed forward to de.
spair.
That afternoon we had been sitting in the garden,
talking to each other, as we had many times before, OF
our past lives. The dreamy music which the wind made
as it stirred the trees above US and the fresh, sweet
smell Of early flowers with which the spring air was load
ed, seemed just the outward influence needed to soften
our hearts, and draw them most nearly into sympathy
and when in his quiet, manly way, he told me the story
>of his life-of the father who died before his remem'
brance, and the sweet mother who had closed her eyes
in their eternal sleep ere the grass had twice grown
green over her husbands coffin Of his desolate, friend
less, struggling boyhood, showing me, one by one, the
weary steps he had climbed telling me SO gratefully
how my hands had sown roses in the steep way and at
the close, saying with such a serene smile =
'Helen, I would suffer my life ever again a thousand
times, rather than give back this day.; my heart was
filed to oyeraowing. 1, too, was an orphan, and knew
b,Ax,, thap onu opa 7 thoucht hAw crne1lv and OfudU.
;ns,y the world had laid its hands upon him as he toiled
onward in its service. How glad I was that I had al
ways been kind to him, that l had kept my heart free,
unsulied and womanly, as the GROWING gift OF his sue
cess and JOY.
I wcpt, moved deeply by his eloquence, and leaning
his head forward with my hands, and pressing my lips
20 his white forehead, kissed him-not lightly and co.
auetishly-but reverently and tearfully. For a moment
he bowed his head, and l could not see his face but
when be looked up its expression startled me, the change
had been so sudden.
DO you know said he, slowly, dropping his eyes
before nav look of wondering inquiry, 'that l think the
woman who bestows the tokens Of her love unsought
lowers herself beneath the respect Of him vino becomes
their recipient? ams Sssas!
am sure | should not have understood him, but tor
the meaning, sarcastic smile with which ne spoke.
saw then, in a moment, his whole power over me; !
saw how be had led me on cautiously, artfully, through
love to pity, and through pity to humiliation | saw
that for an ignoble triumph over my woman's pride he
had sacrificed his truth, and would sacrifice my heart
I saw him degraded from an honest, loving, noble heart,
into a fend, and for my life I could not have answered,
face, 1 suppose, for he laughed ironically. He spoke
again, and l was forced to listen.
Helen Reade, you need not look SO fierce, so bitter,
so scornful in your anger, thinking to deceive me. You
love me, and l know it. You would have waded with
naked feet through seas Of fire, rather than give me up
H.. ~o- Vn~ -orII OY till / h0Un
done,' be continued, when l would have interrupted
him. DO you remember the time when l went to you,
five years ago, and offered you what now would be your
highest bliss to own !? Do you remember how you
laughed my words to scorn, and scotted a. me as a silly
bow, who had mistaken himself and you Ay, l was a
bow in years, Helen Reade but a mans understanding,
a mans experience, a mans passionate strength OF pur-
pose, had made me old before my time, and loved you
with Is perfect a love as ever grew up in a human heart
l was proud and your Indifference, your gay, heartless,
cutting Indifference CALLED me, and made disappointment
doubly bitter. l said then, as | left you with that dead
hope making discord in my breast, that some day your
heart should bleed as mine did then that some day
would mock your anguish with contempt as humiliatine
as that you heaped on me. Has not my hour OF triumph
come? Have 1 not won you carefully, proudly. as best
became the worthy object | was striving for And dc
I not know just now, when my blood tipgled beneath
the pressure of your arm, half shy, half confident, and
felt the warmth of your clinging lips upon my bro"
shat never before had you been SO completely, 80 unre
servedly, mine ? Oh, Helen, Helen am l not glorl
ously avenged now that I can toss back your heart a
lightly as 1 have won it, and know all the while that you
love me, in spite of yourself and your mighty pride /!
'Richard Vinely,' l began, as he ceased speaking
but the torrent of fierce words that leaped up holly to-
utterance choked me my lips burned as though bills
tered by the touch of fame, and l was forced to stos
and steady my wild rage before I could proceed
At length, in a hoarse, angry whisper, said:- !,
yes, / remember the time Of which you speak al
though, but for your delicate reminding, might ncve
have called it to my mind again. I was a young
thoughtless, ignorant girl; did not understand you, o
the nature of the feelings you proposed TO- bear me ,
answered you as any other giddy,' inconsiderate chill
would have done but Heaven knows 1 meant no harm
no contempt, no e%xultation, You have achieved a ne
bic, a manly, a generous revenge !-you have cherishe
the slight Of a needless girl, forgotten by her as soon q
it was given, and kept it sanklng in sour msmoFy q