The Perrysburg journal. [volume] (Perrysburg, Ohio) 1853-1861, 1858-06-10
A Short PnIemi serumom.

MS ploNlucnce'
MY HEARrRs No rational man ever yet had
even soft shell doubt crawl Into his mind that n
good wife is good thng-ariclc, utenSiI or in
stitution."
This being conceded we arrive at starting
point Our text saws, my unweddod hc.brcthrcn,
you must seek rood wic--the best gift or Gods
providence -oIthU great disposcr OF human eycnts
and marringoable women That's so. BY look
ing TO such source, you are suro to get one OF the
right stamp, containing the pure metallic ring
not ono composed Of counterfeit virtues, or made
up OF zinc and pewter prccnsons. Aud what Is
more, IL isn't going to cost you anything neither
Mt tho beginning nor pt the end, except new
suit Of clothes, plain gold ring and ten dollar
piece for the parson- which is my standard price
nnd "rll hovo no moro and never take cent
hess"
The D,vl, my beloved bnchoors, always has
great deal of feminine truck in the market for
which you have to pay pretty roundly or lot alone
Generally speaking, to get one OF his sort, you
must show plchorc purse in ;ho beginning, and
give il good sweat at the slurt-and this
brethren is the literal meaning Of that Greek
quotation "tho DEVILS to pay Afterwards,
your purse will probably sweat itself into n gal
Looping consumption aud dissolve and di5appenr
lko the hascless fabric of II vision or u pound
of salts in quart Of warm water Then dark
cloud will lower upon your shanty love, If it ever
gained residence in your hearts will suddenly
emigrnto from such an arctic region-wnnt and
wrcchodnass will stare you in the countonance, like
n couple of cat owls watching gopher 10y moon.
light--and, unless relieved by DIVORCE the Devil
gets pair of you in the end.
My friends Every man, bo ho good or bad,
should have good wife It he be good, she will
make him u still better member of society; ilbnd,
but not wholly beyond redemption, good wife
will put now surface upon him in six weeks; and
ut the ed of single year, he will have undergone
such thorough renovation that he won't know
himself from the seventh commandments II thou
art given to retiug, and don't know what 20 fret
about, it is well to provide hysclf with home,
and furnish it with good wife AMI u few little
white headed et c5terag then verify, thou cans't
frot to thy souls content, and The good vile will
probably heed it not but let itrun itself out--os it
most assurelly will in time. rhju shalt fret,
lst. Because the fashions change with every
moon and it takes too much change to keep wife
rugged according TO Gunler.
2l Because u red lanNa petticoat oven to
think about is worse than the Suvcn.yenr itch.
81. Because tho hoops TO the vncgn barrel are
always flying or AMI wife wants coopcrng every
once in two months.
lth. Because tho colta IS too delicate and but.
ter too robust; eggs interesting geological spect
mems; meat not cookel-hnt cooked cooked to
cndcr potatoes soggy tnrntpS pithyi pie
crust hammered out at the bNcksniths, and the
"snorloNhlS ohiltod oa "uCo Nlt oI us eNlroHe
length.
5th. Blcnusc the childrons faces arc 50 dirty
they'll never be ablo To speak gool English,
9th. Because there Ia nothing in lis place, but
the cat in the milk pitcher and the evening nows-
paper in the slop pail
But, "a bcoro.soid, thy lrottng will run itself
out in time, it not nodded with and thou shnnt
afterwards become worthy of good wife, who
has not only borne it all without murmur like
4 to, hail hut ,,siNh a
apologies, garnished with the sweetest of smiles
promised an extra cnleayOr to suit you for the
future.
Worthy bachelors; 'cck good wih OF your
Go and You will nnd it an easy matter to scare
up one What | mean by good wife is, one
plump rs partridge about two-thirds Tall oEcom'
mon SENSE aud the other thul filled with TRIM
mings for the Same one moderately addicted TO
crinoliue nouuces and tight lacing whose hcart is
magnet that shall draw you to her side, aud IN
duco you to spend the major part OF your evonng,
in her sweet society one whose inherent charms
are such as in all your wanderngs, viii ever lead
YOU to cxcaim There's no place like home -
one who will keep buttons upon your shirts and
put q polish ON your manners ono who can make
good pot-pio, rs well os play upon the piano and
above ALL ono who knows how to prepare nice
stufing for turkey ON Christmas, l"hollcr' on
that But beware friends beware of your strong
minded, double -omted sort and blue stockings in
general
Bachelor minors don't know that you are SC
wretchcdly in want Of wlo as good many 9th
ers but you know your own wants the best II
You are aweary aud feel lie TO be sort OF one
horse arrangement without u help-motc why, theI
look about for your tothcr half ant splice on
Though she digs not herself verify, in all likeli
hood, che will make You dig tho sharper Bat b
ye not in hurry. Tho gaudy red pottcoat,
predict, will soon give place to an article OF sohc
blue Then, Oh ye brethren minors you ma
take unto yourselves wives, and blisSiniy shnr
with them your happiness yoar bed, your board
your sheets, and your shirts
But these wretcheS, greedy Mormons upon III
subject OF wiie-takinE they carry their goats
ideas to a most prodgal extent They want a
together too much ot good thug--more tha
reason, religion or the laws of the land ought I
allow but let rs hope that through the grace
God aud gunpowder, a new order of things wi
soon be instituted in lhe midst Of this msera6l
benighted people
Ny Dwlhren you should never marry yeI
young. Life is feast after YOU have euioyC
the subStautials, let a wife come in as the de5er
SO mote it be = Golden Era.
An Irishlnan named Jack Pnwer' rode |,
miles in hours aud 10 minutes over the UniC
Course near san Francisco, The wager OF ~
500 was that he would accomplish the feat in
II 1, a., al Of H., - l., n