Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1858-12-01
~ L N 0nS.
A Short Patent Sermon.
N DOW, JR.

OtNtgI " LJ'S FpltHtHcC'
Ny HEAGrR, No rational man ever
yet had even u soft shell doubt crawl into
his mind that good wife is a good thing
article, utensil, or institution.
This being conceded we arrive at Il star
ting point. Our text says, my unwedded
brethren, you must seek aGooD WIFE the
best gift Of Gods providence; of the great
Disposer Of human events and marriagea-
ble women. That's so. By looking to
such source, you are sure to get one of
the right stamp, containing the pure me-
tdlic ring not one composed of counter
felt virtues, or made up of link and pew
ter pretensions. And what is more, it
ism going to cost you any thing neither
at the beginning nor at the end, except a
new suit Of clothes, a plain gold ring, and
a ten dollar piece for the parson which is
my standard price, and '1'll have no
more, and never take cent less"
The Devil my beloved bachelor, always
has great deal Of feminine truck in the
market, for which you have 20 pay pretty
roundiy or let it alone. Generally speak.
ing 20 get one of this sort, you must Ow
Il plethoric purse in the beginning, and
give il good sweat at the start and this,
brethren, is the literal meaning of that
Greek quotation, "the devils to pay" AT.
forwards your purse will probably sweat
itself into galloping consumption, and
dissolve and disappear like the baseless
fabric of a vision, or pound Of salts in a
quart Of warm water Then a dark cloud
will lower upon your shanty love, if it
eYer gained residence inyour hearts will
certainly cnigrate from such an arctic re-
gion; want and wretchedness will stare
you IN tne countenance, like a couple of
cat owls watching gopher by moonlight;
and unless relieved by divorce, the devil
gets apait o. you in the end.
Ny friends; Every man, be he good or
tad, should have good wife. If he be a
good, she will make him better mem
Der Of society if bad, but not wholly be-
you'd redemption, good wife will put a
new surface upon him in two weeks and
at the end Of single year he will have
undergone such thorough renovation
that lac won. know himself from the se-
Ecnteetn commandment. If thou art Civ
Ell o sreu.ng, nd don't know what to
fret bout, it is well to provide thyself
with home, and furnish it with a good
mlc and few little white-headed ct ccter-
Is, then verify thou canst fret to thy
eoul's content, and the good wife will pro-
badly heed itnot, but let 1t run itself out,
as 1t most assuredly will in time. Thou
shalt fret:
lst. Because the fashions change with
every new moon, and 1T takes too much
change TO keep wife rugged according to
Gunier.
ID. Because red flannel petticoat, even
to think about, is worse than the seven
year itch.
Sd. Because the hoops to the vinegar
barrel are always flying off, and wife wants
coopering ohcein every two months.
4th, Because the coffee is too delicate
and butter too robust eggs geological
specimtns meat not cookea-half cook.
ed-cooked to cinder; potatoes soggy ;
turnips pithy piecrust hammered out at
the blacksmith'S, and the shortening"
omitted on account of its extreme length.
5th. Because the children's faces are SO
dirty they'll never be able to speak Eng
lish,
9th. Because there is nothing in its place
except the cat in the milk pitcher, and
the evening newspaper in the slop.pail.
But,as before said, thy fretting will run it.
self out in time, ifnot meddled with and
thou shalt afterwards become worthy of
good wife, who has not only borne it ali
without IA murmur, like a duck in hail
storm, BIT with a thousand apologies, !
sarnishcd with the sweetest ofsmiles, pro-
missed an extra endeavor to suit you for the
future.
Worthy bachelors Seek good wife of
your God, and you will find it an easy mat
ter to scare up one, What mean by a
GOOD wife, is one plump as a partridge, a.
bout two thirds full OF common sense. and
The other third filed with trimmings for
-he same--one moderately addicted to
,rinoliEe, hounces and tight lacing--
whose heart is a magnet that shall draw
you to her side, and induce you to spend
he major part Of your evenings in her
weo, society ; one whose inherent charms
ire such as, in all your wanderings will
eyer lead you 10 exolain, "theres no place
ike home" one who will keep buttons
lpon your shirts, and put polish upon
four manners one who can make good