davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
AQritaltllral department.
Snare the Birds.
IF5R THE pREss.l

of old in defining a. fishing rod,
ponlI aA - ,,1as rod and string, with worm
at one end and a fool at the other, of.somethiilg
~ III III ar,nunt With this definition - not
go n Webster to be sure--We will not at
,,resen ouarrel although certainly little severe
Tbe h;, fish cat the little ones and whether that
was the chief object of their creation III sucn IN
Vulnerable quantities, we will not pause to con-
slider ,.4,,...
their enemies is entirely beyond our contfol OF
;nauence. so that we could not, if we would
onr jurisdiction extendeth not under the water
and to attempt to logically demonstrate to
nickerel or rockfsh, that it is cruel or wicked to
nangle and devour the small fry that sport in
our waters or appeal to their sympathies in be
half of their weaker brethren, would be sheer
nonsense: they kill and eat to appease their hun
ger Who ever heard of their killing even hit
le red-fn for mere sport ?? No, no! they are not
so full of cruelty.
It belongs to men and boys to display this
wantoness this refined barbarism armed with
gun they sally forth to main and Kill the poor
little birds-inuoxious, musical and most useful.
Hardened indeed must be the heart that can take
delight in the death throes of their noffenslYe
melodists 1t seems useless to appeal to the
svlnpathies, the better feelings OF humanity, III
behalf of these little WafDlePS 'heAoIseiesS DIS
the rockfsh, the gunner's pursue to the death,
the poor thrush, redbreast, &c Nothing but
the strong arm of the law will deter this most
inhuman destruction and it is high time this re-
medy was applied, and that too, with rigor.-
Self protection demands 1.-THE insect tribe have
nearly overwhelmed u.s. 1t is almost Impossible
to get perfect specimen of almost any kind OF
fruit. Ourpears, apples, plums, cherries, grapes,
and peaches are all affected by the depredations
of the insect family, upon which these little birds
chiefly subsist, and this evil is yearly increasing.
Twenty years ago. our fruit was far iner insects
were far less numerous, and birds far more album
dant IF the destruction of the birds is not one
great cause, if not the cause OF such imperfect
fruit as we now obtain, we sadly mistake.
It is not; cannot be for the sake of the meat
that is obtained from these little birds that they
are thus killed-it would not pay for the powder
and shot, much less the time and labor that is
wasted in hunting for them. No other cause
than this can be an apology for the shameful
practice and therefore it should be put down.
Let our Farmers therefore take the matter in
hand-they have the power tostop this destruc-
ton, and let them apply it-public sentiment will
sustain such prosecution, and let it be made
Enforce the laws for the protection of these little
Ministries, and save our little friends from their
murderous foes.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
aWit and y " ~ ~
The Calliope.
Internal Screecher!

1HlcIu CCIecciicl
What'n thunder d you mean by yelnk
So ALFRED loud Does anythink hurt you,
Or have you got collick in your bowels,
And can't help it 3 Say, you squalling cuss!
Mebby they feed you ON steam, and you squeal,
Because it is hot, and burns your in ardsi
And mebby you yell because you like to,
And think it sounds purity. You whislink fool,
Which is it Does it take all them horses
To draw you round and get 50 much noise out
Why don't you bust your biler, darn you.
And then shut up, you old squallink machine
You forty horse power pianher on wheels,
With steam-cngine Playing onto you,
And making more noise than forty thousand
Busted French horns with all the keys open
And the mouth pieces cracked Dry up!
You cusssd old musical hybrid you cross
Between down-east village brass band
And a Chinese war-gong You outrageous
Howling abstract Of Pandemonium
You won't, Then keep on blowing - who cares
don't, if you blow your blasted brains out
Which would be exceedingly gratifying.
You're only good to scare HOSES, what hay mt
Got no Sense, and make folks run to see
WHAT'S comm Blow away you yelink cuss
Internal Screeeher, you, adieu
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

The subscriber would hereby inform the citizens of Lam
bertve and vicinity that he still continues to sell all kinds
of Goods generally kept in Hardware Store Customers
will find fresh and well selected stock Of Nails Planes
Varnsh, Oils Turpentine, Glass Putty, Burning Fluid
Camphene Spades Shoyel, Hoes, Forks, Augers, Saws
Files Wrought and Cast Hinges orce, Janus Face and
Rim Locks Screws and Bolts large assortment Of Table
and Pocket Cutlery Shoe Findings, Harness Mounngs
Carriage Curtain Cloth from 81 G4 Lace and Fringe
Curtain Lining and general of Carriage Makers
Trimmings Also Red Sole Leather French and American
Calf Skins and Moroccos Caleine Plaster Pasterng HAIR
and Newark Cement.
Undertakers particularly called to examine his stock
before purchasing elsewhere for particular attention has
est patterns of Silver and Metallic Coffin Screws and Tad
Plates Hinges, Handles, Lace and Silver Moudings, &c.
&C. Likewise Fultons Patent Coal Lamp and Coal Oils
would thank my friends and acquaintance for their past
fayors would solicit their influence in future Please
give call at the of Union and Coryell Stress
j. F. BOOZER.
NoY..4. 1858. 3m
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
Legal Proceedings.

The following will be sworn to when required.
Action for work and labor done in cutting ditch
in defendants land.-Plea Payment and set
off, in bacon and corn meal.
Plaintiffs son on the stand-recollects the
ditching perfectly, but seems TO forget all about
the bacon.
!" You say your daddy did al this ditching !?
Do you know what he gotin pay forit Z" inqui-
red Col B.. for defendants
g He never got nothing, as ever heard on
that's what he never got, y answered the witness.
Didn't your daddy get corn and bacon from
the defendant, in pay for that ditching ~
Never heard Of his getten' no corn nor
baconn
"What did your daddy and his family live On
that summer ~
"Vittels mostly"
What sort of victuals ~
Well meat and bread, and some whiskee. y
Where did he get thatmeat and bread"
:" WE'LL fust from one, and fust from another. y
didn't he, get some ofitfrom the defendant ~
He mought.o
!" / know he mought, but did he ? that's the
question:
"Well, he mought, and then agin you know
he moughtn't.
With considerable excitement, and in tones
ofthuTder,) $ Answer the question, SIT, and nc
more Of this. trifing with your oath. Did your
daddy, or did he not, get corn and bacon from the
defendant for ditching z"
"Well now he mought Idont know adzactly
you know
Here his honor interferes and with stern
injudicial frown, addresses witness thus . Wit
ness you must answer the question, or the court
will be compelled to deal with you cant you say
yes or no 2"
II recken.'
"Well then answer yes orno; did or did not
your daddy get corn and bacon from the defendant
at the time referred to 2" inquired the court.
(Now fully aroused, and conscious ofhis dan
GER "Well judge, can't adzactly amember
you know, seem as how its all dun bin gone and
eatup but, planting himself firmly, as one
determined out with IT'D to the best Of my rec
Reflection, if my memory serves me right, he
mought and then agin he moughtn't.D
The plaintiff saved his bacon Verdict ac-
cordingly .-AshuilZe Spectator.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

REASON WHY.-Patrick was making arrange
ments to return to auld Ireland" when a
Yankee acquaintance inquired the reason why
Sure, says Patrick, don't like this country
at all Z" Why not !" asks his friend. { The
days are so long here, they're not near so long in
the old country replied Pat. Then the
nights are longer, says his friend. Sure, an
they are not at all, replies Pat, neither the
days nor nights are so long, an faith, there's not
so many on 'em nather !"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

How PAT Cor AHEAD OF THE HsIEsT IL -.
Irishman made sudden rush into druggists
shop in Glasgow. Drawing from his pocket
soda water bottle, filed to the brim with liquid,
he handed it across the counter and exclaimed.
There Docther snuff that, will yez " The doc
tor did as he was directed, and pronounced the
liquid to be genuine whiskey. THANK you, doc
ther" said the Irishman hand me it back
again. The doctor again did as directed, and
asked Patrick what he meant Och, then,n
said Pat if you viii have it, the priest told me
not to drink any Of this unless got it from the
hands Of the doctor. Sohere's your health and
the health Of the praist and long life to the
Gentleman that first invented whiskey"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

At an examination of the College of Surgeons
a candidate was asked by Abernethy
!" What would you do if a man was blown Ut
with powder 2"
Wait until he came down" he coolly re-
piled.
True" replied Abernethy, and suppose
should kick you for such an impertinent reply
what muscles would put in motion ~
I" The fexors and extens0rs of my arm, for
would knock you down Immediately"
Hereceived diploma.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
Great Display OF Cheap Goods.
The Excelsior Corner & Cash System

FALL AND WINTER GOODS.
Ladies Dress Goods of every Variety
Gentlemens Dress Goods of every Variety,
Flannes Fannels, Flannels,
Muslins, Muslins, Muslins
Linens Table Diapers, Towelingj &c,
Worked Collars, Silk Vests and Trimmings,
Hosiery, Gloves and Yankee Notions,
Hats, Caps, Buckskn Gloves &c.
All the above Goods for sale cheap for Cash. in
change good Country Produce at Excelsior Corner the
corner Of Union and Bridge Sts Lambertvle n j. Ladies
and Gentlemen call and examine stock which is large
and well assorted and satisfy yourselves to the cheapnes
of our goods. BENNETT d COOLEY. e
Nov. A. 1855 tt
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
The Old Turning Shop Revived.
UTTTtnnnDE IT LTLtT no
Nov. 4, 1858.

Would respectfully announce to his friends and the public
in general that he is back again at the OLD STAND under
EIys savm where he prepared to do all kinds of WOOD
TURNING, and Scroll and Straight Saving in the most
perfect manner and after the most approved Patterns. Bed
Posts Table Legs Newell Posts, Stair Bausers, and all
kinds of work for Cabinet Workers. Wheelwrights and
Builders on hand made to order at the shortest notice
He prepared furnish to order Canal Railroad and all
kinds of Framing Pins, of White Oak, or Hickory.
Also Hiiohng Posts, Broom and Brush Handles, of a
first rate quality Give him call, and try him. Bungs
for Dstileries and Breweres made to order.
Nov 4 1858. If
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

Ladies are often annoyed by perplexing ques-
tions from the male gender, and sometimes they
escape from direct answer by happy bon mot
What are you making Miss Knapp" inqui-
red familiar acquaintance ola lady. "A knapp
sack,n was the satisfactory reply.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

The Editor Of the Kentucky Flag says:
We witnessed two important days while in
Washington. The first was the fourth Of March
the other was March forth. The first was
most interesting-the latter most solemn.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

Did you ever hear Of the wife who wrote to
her husband in California, and comNenced her
letter thus: Oh tell me not that essence con
quers love The longer You stay away the better
like Youn
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

A cofin-maker having apartments to let, post
ed his bill, announcing the same, upon coffin :
" Lodgings for single gentlemen.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

Patrick, what do you say to the Indictment
ARE you guilty or not guilty +"
" Arrah, yer worship, how can tell till |
hear the iyidence?"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
COAL 81 w GOD


The Public will stand advised that the Subscriber still
continues to sell Coal lowest CASH PRICES without
regard to COMPETITION all the best grades of Coal from
tho Lehgh Regions and Wyoming Valley, by the THOU
SAND TONS by boat the line of the Canal, or by car
the line of the Railroad down to the quarter OF ton all
washed Goals.
OFFICE and SCALES Fairbanks Coz, at old
Stand corner of Union and Corye Sts Lanbertvie n j.
PIOWS and Pillow CASTINGS. The Subscriber is ever
ready to wait upon Customers when favored with call
N. LARGE.
Nov A. 1858, If
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

An exchange tells of an editor who went
soldering and was chosen captain. One day at
parade, instead of giving the ORDERS Front
face, three PAGES forward, . he exclaimed: Cash,
two dollars year, in ADVANCE
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

The surest way toprevail on young couple to
marry, is ooppose them. Tell them you would
rather see them in their graves" and twelve
months afterward their baby will pass you twice
day in willow wagon.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
Now is The Time to Purchase!

The Subscriber having large and well selected Stock of
Paror Office Hail. Store and Cooking Stoves, of the latest
and most Improved Patterns respectfully invites all that
have any inclination for NEW STOVE to call and
inc for themselves if you should find Stove to please
your eve that all you need and viii make the price
to suit your Pocket and insure the Operation Of the Stove
We have also Farmers Boilers Counter Scales Enameed
Timed and Plain Hollow Ware, Japanned Ware Tin and
Sheet Iron Ware whoesale and retaD with general
Pumps suitable for Cisterns and Out Door ellis
any depth Hydraulic Rams for forcing water Lead and
Iron Pipe of all sizes from to inch Tin Roofing, and all
kinds of Tin and Sheet Iron work done at short notice.
Particular attention paid to repairing.
j. II. BUTTERFOSS.
Lambertvle Nov. A, 1858. If
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

SYDNEY SMITH said there were three things
which every man fancied he could do--farm a
small property, drive gig, and edit news
paper.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

PoNIE.-The wind it blew, the snow it few, and
raised particular thunder-with skirts and hoops
and chicken coops-and all such kind of plumber
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

WOMEN AND COMETS Comets doubtless an
swer some wise and good purpose in the creation
so do women Comets are incomprehensibe.
beautiful and eccentric; so are women. Comets
shine with peculiar splendor, but at night appear
most brilliant; so do women. Comets confound
the most learned when they attempt to ascertain
their nature so do women. Comets equally
excite the admiration of the philosopher and of
the clod Of the valley; so do women. Comets
and women, therefore, are closely analogous
but the nature ofwhich being inscrutable, all that
remains for us to do is, to view with admiration
the one, and almost to alteration, love the other
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

II am afraid shall come to want" said an
old lady to young gentleman.
81 have come to want already was the re-
ply.
q want your daughter"
The old lady opened her eyes.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

MUSICAL CArEcHIsN- Ertracts. list. What
is slur
Ans. Almost any remark one singer makes
about another
I'd. What is beating time ?
Ans. Singing 50 fast that time cannot keep
up with you.
Sd. What is rest
Ans Going out Of the choir to get some re-
freshments
4th. What is staecato movement
Ans Leaving the choir in huff because one
is dissatisfied with the leaders requirements
5th. What is swell
Ans A professor of music, who pretends to
know every thing about the science, while he
cannot conceal his own ignorance
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

An advertisement ofeheap shoes and fancy ar
ticles, in an Eastern paper, has the following
n. B. Ladies who wish cheap shoes, will do
well to call soon, as they acill not last 5ep7g.
MEM.-The tobacco chewer is said to be Ike
a goose in Dutch oven-always on a spit.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

Six feet in his boots y exclaimed Mrs. Par
tington. What will the Importance Of this
world come to, wonder? Why, they might
just as reasonably tell me that the man had six
heads in his hat ?"
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

PAPA, have guns got legs ~
mo"
How do they kick, then ~
!" With their brooches, my son "
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11
G. H.. WEST 81 co.'s
g
New Drug and Prescription Store,

CORYELLS HALL, CORNER OF YORK AND MAIN
STREETS,
Where they keep constantly on hand Drugs, Chemicals,
Medicines Paints, Oils yarnshes Glass, Stationery, Per-
Ayers Wrghts Hobensacks Barnes, Clarks Tobias 5,
Brandreths McIaine's, Schencks, Byrams, and other
Family Medicines. Also, VOLTS Aromatic Schiedam
Rheumatic and Neuralgia Compound AN Inalbie Rem
edy, besides Hair Oils, Hair Dye Cologne Waters, Liquid
Blue Polishing Liquid, Genuine Essences &c. &c. Aco
ho Burning Fluid Camphene Spirits Turpenne and Lard
Oil, constantly on hand.
- Particular attention will be given to the compound
ing of Physicians Prescriptions and Family Recipes.
c. L. WEST CO.,
Druggists and Chemists,
Lambertville, n. j.
Nov 4 1888 If
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

A Boston trader called at country farm
house, some time ago, to buy cheese, but when
he came to look at it concluded not to take it as
It was so full of shippers AS he was going off.
the farmer said to him:
" Look here, mister, how can get my cheese
down to Boston the cheapest 20
The trader took another look at it, and see
ing more and more evidence of its being alive.
replied
!" Well, let it lay day or two longer and
guess you can drive it down.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

What are you doing ~ queried a gentleman,
addressing himself to a dilapidated urchin who
was circulating promiscuously through crowd of
politicians holding out his hand :. Nothin', !,
was the reply, only tryin' to take the cents of
the meetin'. Sense in that answer
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

"A Scotchman complained that he had got
ringing in his head. Do We ken the reason o.
that?" asked his worthy crony. aNow "I'll
tell you-it's because it's empty. y And have
ye never aringing in your head ~ quoth the
other No, never" And We ken the rea-
son It's because it's cracked. y
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

A Mistake-A commissioner said to an in
solvent debtor: Pray, sir, how could you vii
fully, and with your eyes open, contract such
number of debts, with no means to pay them %
Sir, said the insolyent, | never wilfully con-
tracted debts, have done my best to enlarge
Them
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

a Gentleman speaking Of Cincinnati, saws it's
most appropriate name would be the Hana-burg
Of America Yes, replied another, 1 think it
will be the meat ropolis of the United States.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

A dying West India planter, groaning to his
favorite negro servant, sighed out All, Sambo
I'm going long, long journey. !" :" Neber mind,
massa, . said Sambo, consolng him, him all de
way down hin, and you soon reach the end.
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

Loving vs.. Liking The distinction between
liking and loving was well made by a little girl,
six years old. She was eating something at
breakfast which she seemed to relish very much.
"Do you love it ?o asked her aunt. "No,n
replied the child, " with a look of disgust Il
like it. If [ loUed it, | should kiss it, .
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

A prudent master advised his dfunkenservant
to put by his money for rainy day. In few
weeks the master inquired how much Of his wa
ges he had saved. Faith, none at all, = said
he; did as you bid me; it rained yesterday,
and it all went y
The Lambertville press. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1858-1???, 1858-11-11

a dying West India planter, groaning to his
favorite negro servant, sighed out ~ All, Sanlbo,
I'm going long, long journey. ," Neber mind,
massa, y said Sambo consoling him, him all de
way down hill, and you soon reach the end .
A prudent master advised his tllunkenservant
to put by his money for a rainy day. In few
weeks the master inquired how much of his wa
ges he had saved Faith none at all, = said
he; did as you bid me it rained yesterday,
and it all went y
"A Scotchman complained that he had cot
ringing in his head. Do ye ken the reason o.
that q asked his worthy crony "No" "Ill
tell you-its because it's empty y q And have
ye never aringing in your head ~ quoth the
other. No, never" And ye ken the rea-
son? It's because it's cracked"
A Gentleman speaking Of Cincinnati, saws it's
most appropriate name would be the Hana-burg
Of America. Yes, replied another, / think it
will be the meat ropolis of the United States
Mistake-A commissioner said to an in
solvent debtor: Pray, sir, how could you vii
fully, and with your eyes open, contract such
number of debts, with no means to pay them ~
Sir, said the insolYent | never wilfully con-
tracted debts, have done my best to. enlarge
them
Loving vs. Liking The distinction. between
liking and loving was well made by little girl,
six years old. She was eating something at
breakfast which she seemed to relish very much.
Do you love it? ~ asked her aunt Mo-
replied the child, with a look of disgust /" /
like it. If loCed it, | should kiss it. !"
T,o4 Il \ L.
addressing himself to dilapidated urchin, who
was circulating promiscuously through crowd of
politicians, holding out his hand g n othin', y
was the reply, only tryin' to take the cents of
| the meetin' Sense in that answer.
Six feet in his boots . exclaimed Mrs Par
tington. "What will the Importance of this
world come to, wonder? Why they might
just as reasonably tell me that the man had six
heads in his hat 2"
The surest way to prevail on a young couple to
marry, is tooppose them. Tell them you would
rather see them in their graves" and twelve
months afterward their baby will pass you twice
a day in willow wagon.
An exchange tells of an editor who went a
soldering and was chosen captain. One day at
parade, instead of giving the orders, Front
face, three PAGES forward, he exclaimed Z" Cash,
two dollars year, in advance"
PoME The wind it blew, the snow it few and
raised particular thunder-with skirts and hoops
and chicken coops-and all such kind of plumber.
~---
Did you ever hear of the wife who wrote to
her husband in California and commenced her
letter thus Oh! tell me not that essence con
quers love ! The longer you stay away the better
| like you"
How PAT Cor AHEAD OF THE HsIEsT -
Irishman made sudden rush into druggist S
shop in Glasgow. Drawing from his pocket
soda water bottle filed to the brim with LIQUID,
he handed it across the counter and exclaimed
i There Docther snnff that will vez 20 The doc