Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1858-10-18
THE GAZETTE.
MONDAY MORNING, OCTOBER Is, 1858.
OLD UNCLE LUKE.

OLD UNCLE LUKE.
Speaking of watcrmelons, reminds one OF
an anecdote of old Uncle Lake L., an &C.
centric pile of animated dust, who rcvol'ed
in an extensive orbit away down in the sunny
South. His name was familiar to all
throughout that section, having become cele-
brated for his success in raising multitude
OF melons, and of SURPRISING magnitude
As is usual for the proprietors of such "dain-
ty allurements," he was subjected to great
annoyance by the incursi0ns Of Ethiopian
marauders, who would proceed, under cover
ofnight, to the premises and abstract sufficient
to satiate the longings of their alimentive.
ness. The old man vas not at all partial to
such mau1usres.
lie therefore resolved upon an eApedient to
obviate such invasioDs of bis rights. Accord.
ingly he furnished himself with .tuSee, ana
when the curtains Of night were drawn
about our world, he located himself in con.
cealed corner of his "patch," and prepared
for grand demonstration, on the occasion OF
their entree. 1t was not long before the old
man was admouished OF their approach BY
the low sound Of stealthy steps IN the vlcln-
ity. Soon their dusky figures were visible
upon the fence, and in moment the melons
were finding fine Accommodations in their wal
lets. Now was an lawful tragedy" about
to be enacted. Uncle Luke raised the iusee
to his shoulder; his finger spasmodicaiiy
twitched, upon the trigger, and
What think you, reader, was the result OF
that old mans indiscretion? Can you not
discover within the range of mental vision
the forms Of those unfortunates 1elteripg in
gore, and gaspipg in the last agonies Of
death? am happy to inform you OF q less
fearful finale; the fact was, the old fusee
FLASHED in the PAM" which made quite "a er-
roneous impression upon one Of the intruders,
who exclaimed:
"Boys, it Hgttened"
EYES," says Uucle Luke, "aud by the MEM
ory of those melons, it will thunder directly"
1t requires no extraordinary stretch Of the
imagination TO conclude that they did not
tarry to test tho veracity of the old mans
prediction, but brought in reauisition their
utmost powers of )Ccomotion; in other words
"everlastingly billed" Itis natural to sup
pose that this sufficed to end the annoyance
Of the knayes, butsuch was not the case; their
depredations we're discontinued only tor
short season and then renewed. Uncle Luke
was desperate. He resolved on another e.
fort to secure himself against their enercacb.
ments.
He armed himself and located as on the
previous occasion, quietly awaited their ar
rival; but unfortunately they did not appear
until very late hour Of the night, aud the
old man, fatigued with watching, had bsen
touched by the mystic wand of Morpheus,
and was now revealing amid the gorgeous
mazes Of dreamland. ltappears on this o.
casiop their object was to enjoy feast in the
field; therefore providing themselves with the
most tempting melon they could discover,
they proceeded to search for stump upon
which to burst it, which method is usually
resorted to in the absence Of q knife, and thus
gaining access to the interior, the eatable por-
ton is conveyed by natures spoon" the
digits, to the palate. Observing dark OBJ
ject in the corner Of the field, and believing
it the desired stump they proceeded 10 it, ele-
waited the melon in the air, and then brought
il down with smash But what was their
CONSERVATION On beholding the supposed
stump rush up by the roots, and dart away,
like meteor, in the distance, The fact was
they had broken it over the head of poor
Uncle Luke!
The thieves we're not dilatory in Initiating
the example Of the '.tump;" they "clrcum-
stantially sloped" Whether the offences
were ever repeated or not am unable to say
positively; but one thing is certain, Uncle
Luke never subjected bimslf again to the
liability of being construed into stump; and
If you wish him to attach the most unJield-
ing words in the vocabulary to the toughest
sentence in the English language, just ask
him, hoW his head feels!