Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1858-07-13
OLD BILL WALLIS. THE UGLY MAN.


nuther like me. I'm a crowd by myself I
alters was. The fust | know d of it, tho, was
when L was about ten years old 1 went down
to the spring branch one mornin', to wash my
face L looked in the water, and L seen the
shadow of my face. Great Golly. how / run
back, holierin' for nanny every jump That's
the last time l seen my face-I darssn't but
shet my eyes when 60 bout water"
Don't you use glass when you shave?"
inquired.
'Glsss, Zounds! what glass could stand it?
'twould bust il If twas an inch thick. Glass
pish,"
Lucy told her fItLer he was too bad. and tina 1
he knew it WAS no such thing; and the old man
told her she was a saucy wench, and to hold
her tongue.
Yes, he continued, "it's so; havn't seen
my face in forty years, but know how it looks
Well, when L crowd up, thort it would be
the devil to hnd woman that d be willing To
take me, ugly MS L was"
Oh, you wasn't so uncommon hard favored
when you was young man." said old Mrs
Wallis.
Uncommon. tell you when was ten years
old fy wOuldu't light on my face; and it can't
be much wuss now, Shet up, and let me tell
the Squire my Experience !"
It's no use, put in Lucy, "to be runnin'
one own self down, that way, dady. Ii amt
right"
"Runnin' down. Thunder and Iightnin'.
Luce, You III have me as goOd-lOokin', directly,
as John Bozeman, your sweetheart"
As he said this, old Bill looked at me, and
succeeded in half covering the ball of his left
eye; oy way OF wink. Lucy said no more.
The old man continued:
Wei, hard As | thort it d be to get wife,
fust thing knOw'd, had Sally here; and she
IL, or was, as pretty as any of EN-"
Old Mrs. Wallis knitted convulsiyeIy, and
coughed slightly.
Howsavar sba para,
was married, and ii was long time arter afore
she did The way OF 1T was this we had an
ole one e-horned cow, mighty Onery (ordinary)
looking, old as the north star, and poor as a
black snake. One day l went out inter the
lot
Daddy, wouldn't tell that" exclaimed
Lucy, In the most persuasive tone Imaginable
Drot ef don't thO'-its the truth-and eff
you don't keep still I'll send for Bozeman to
hold you quiet in the corner
Lucy pOuted a little, and was then silent.
Yes, went out to the lot, and thar, sure
as life, was my old oman, swung to the COW,
and the old thing fyin' round an cuttin' mn
ali sorts o shines Ses |, what are YOU up
to, old oman And with that she let 90. and
told me she was tryin' to practice kissin' on
ole Cherry, and she thOrt arter that she could
make up her mind to kiss me ~
''Old man, you made that I've hearn Won
tell 1t afore-but you made it." said tn old
lady.
Well, well told her, squire, ses l. como
down to it now. hang the cow-sbet your
eye!-hold your breath and upon that she
bussed SO st you might heard il a quarter of a
mile, and since that nobody's had better kiss
In than me. Now, that was my first ixpe-
rlence about bein' ugly, arter 1 was grown
'twant so bad nutheri
The next time my ugly features came into
play was IN Mobile; was You ever thar? Worst
place on tho green yearth steamboats, oysters
Tree niggers, furriners, and brick houses -
that's the place went down on fat boat
from Wetumky, with old John Todd We had
fust rate time of it, till we got most To Mo-
bile. and then the steamboats, would run so
close to us, that the sloShin' would pretty nigh
capsizs US. They done il for devilment NV,
how old John cusSed but il done no good At
last, ses l, L II try en- ef thar's any strength
In eussin III make EN- ashamed - So the
next one came along cavOrtin and snortin' like
II was gwlne right into US. and did pass i'm
twenty foot L riz right up on a cotton bag.
and sez L to the crOwd-which there was a most
almighty one on the guards of the boat-ses
L you great Internal, racket-makin', smokin',
snortin' hell totin' Sons Of thunder
. Afore 'oIld git any furder in my cussin'
the crowd GIN the most tremenjus yearth-
shakin howl that ever was hearu-apd one
feller, as they was broad side with US, hollered
out, It's the old he ugly himself, Jerusalem.
what u mouth" With that thar was some
thin rsined in our boat like hail. only heavier,
aud directly me and old John picked up level
peck of buckhorn handled knives I'll be
darned this mint if we didn't, ~
Old Mrs. Wallis looked to heaven. as if an
pealing there for the forgiveness of some great
sin her ugly consort had committed: but she said
nothing.
= So lost nothin' by bein' ugly that time
Arter got into Mobile, hOwsever, was both
cred and pestered by the people stoppin' in the
IN lask .tt
smoked as L was from beiu' OH the boat
- think d cleaned up little y interposed
tidy Lucy.
Old oman ain't you got nary cold later
10 choke that gal with! Well they looked at
Inc the hardest you ever seen. But have got
ahead Of my story A few days afore there had
been boat busted and a heap o. people fol-
Tered me IN, and one lowed, ses be, It's one
OF the unfortunate sufferers by Dustin of the
Franklin, anu upon that he ask ed me To drink
with him, aud as had my tumber half way
to my mouth, he stopped me of a sudden
peg your pardon, stranger-but''-ses he.
But WHAT ses /.
- Jist fr your month that ,cay agoi,, ~ sss
done 1t, just like | was gwine to drink,
ana Ill De cussed if | didn't think the whole
on en would go into fits They yelled and
whooped like gang of wolves Finally, one
Of eIn ses don make fun of the unfnrtnnate.
=
make up puss for him Then they all throwed
In, aud made up 1--WE dollars; as the spokes-
man hanied Inc the change, he axed me,
'Whar did you find yourself after the sploson!'
- In Hat boat, ses |.
How far from the Franklin" ses he
Why" ses |, " | never seen her, but as
nlgh as can guess, it must have been, from
what they tell me- nigh on to three hundred
and seventy-hy miles, You Oughter a seen
that gang scatter As they left says one ''its
him. It's the ugly man OF all -
Knocking round the place, came upon
one Of these ieiers that grinds music out n
mahogany box lie had little monkey along
the peartest, least bit OF L critter you over
seed We'll, bein' fond OF music aud var
inlnts, gets pretty close ~ the mssheen, and
drned ct t~an't hard to tell which got the
m)st praise, NE or the monkey. Howseyer, at
last, got close up, and the darn'd thing
ketched a sight OF me and squalled Ii Jumped
on the box In fright, and hanged itself by
ITS chain The grinder histed it up-agin, but
II squailed NOR Al ever, and jerked and twisted
and run over the keeper, aud jumped oil N bis