Edgefield advertiser. [volume] (Edgefield, S.C.) 1836-current, 1858-03-17
Ynn1orpas 8eabi11g,
HOW BEN PURTLE GOT HIS WIFE.

HOW BEN PURTLE GOT HIS WIFE.
The very climax of ugliness was Ben Purtle.
He was red haired, and each stood as II 1t
cherished the supreInest contempt for It's next
neighbor. His face was freckled as the most
bespotted turkey egS. His nose supported at
the bridge large lumf while the end turned
viciously 10 one side. His mouth had every
shape but pretty shape. His form was as
uncouth as his face was ugly. The very climax
of uglinsss was little Ben Purtle-what was
more still, Ben had 4 handsome, bouncing bloom
ing wife-such as can only be grown upon a
country lawn.
"Haw the Deuce" said I to Ben one day,
"did you ever get such wife, you uncouth,
mishappen, quintessence of monstrosity 2"
Ben was not at all offended by the mperti-
nence Of my question, and forthwith began to
solve the mystery thus:
"Well, now, gals what's sensible amt touched
by none of your purity, and hifalutin airs. I've
seed that tried MORN once. You know Kate
was alters considered the purtiest girl in these
parts, and all the young fellers in the naborhood
use to try to cotch her. Well, fused to 60 over
to old Sammy's too, just to kinder look on, you
know, and cast a sleeps eye at Kate. But
marsy sakeS! had no more thought that
could get Kate than Jerusalem cricket could
hide in the hair that wasn't on old Sammy's
head-no stree. But still I couldn't help going,
an my heart would kinder futter, and my eyes
would burn all over, whenever I'd 60 to talk
with Katy. And one day when Kate sorter
made fun of me like, it almost killed me sure;
I went home with something like rock jostling
about in my breast, and declared I'd haDg my
self with the first plow line found"
"Did you hang yoursef?"
"No; daddy blazed out to Inc for not taking
old Ball to the pasture in the morning, and
scared me so that forgot it."
"Go on" said I, seeing Ben pause with ap-
parent regret that he had not executed his VOW
"Well, so one NJ ,nday morling-Q reckon
it was year after that hanging scrape) III got
up and scraped my face with daddy'S old razor; |;
and put on my new copprus britches, and new
linsy coat nanny had dyed with sassafras bark,
and went over to Uncle Sammy's. Now, I'd
got to loving Kate like all creation, but never
cheeped to anybody about my feelings. But
kno@ed was on the right side OF the old folks.
well, now, amt it queer" continued Ben:
Chow feller will feel sometimes? Something
seemed to say asI went along, Ben Purtle,
this is great day for you,ns and then my heart
jumped and huttered like a jay bird in trap.
And when got there ard seed Kate with her
new checked homespun frock on, rally thought
I should take the blind staggers, anyhow"
Ben paused again to brush the fog from his
eyes, and then continued:
swell, found the order of the day, was to
90 muscandine hunting. 10 Sharp and his two
sisters, and Jim Bowels was thar. I'd knowed
q long time that Sharp was right after Kate,
and hated him worse than hog hates to find
his way out of 4 tater patch; but didn't let
on. Sharp had ON white britches and fine shoes,
and broadcloth overcoat, but every body knowed
he wasn't worth red cent. He walked with
Kate and you ought to have seen the airs he
put on. 1t was "MiSs Kate" this, and Miss
Kate" that, and all such nonsense. After while
we come near slough whar We had to cross on
q log, and I'd notion to push the sassy good
for-nothing feler into the water"
"Why didn't you 2"
"Stop, never mind" said Ben, giving me
nudge, "Providence done all up brown. Moth
ing must do but Joe Sharp must lead Miss Kate
across fust. lie jumped on the log in high glee
and took Kate's hand, and they put off. just
as they had got half way across, a tarnation big
bull frog jumped off into the water-you know
how they hollcr-" Snakes !" screamed the fool,
aud knocked Kate oil up to her waist in the
nasty, black, muddy water. And what dye
think he done? Why he run backwards and
foreds, a hollerin' for pole to help Kate out Of
stand it no longer. Cur chuck lit ten feet
out of there in no time. And dye think the
scamp didn't come up after we'd got out, and
said: Gar you hurt, Miss Kate ?"
Nv 2opAor yras IN I nouiH,,sf or nd ~
cotched him by the seat Of his white britches
and his coat collar, and gin him toss. Maybe
he didn't 90 clear under when he hit the water.
I didn't see him out. Ne and Kate put for the
house. When we started off, Kate said
"Ben, Just let Inc hold on to your arm, I
kinder feel sortcr weak"
Great Jimmy felt 80 quar- when she took
hold. l tried to say something nice but my
drotted mouth would not 60 of, no how. But
I felt as strong as all elephant, and helped Kate
along. Bimcby Kate said:
"Ben, that Joe Sharps good for nothing,
snesking, cowardly nobody eff he ever puts his
head inside of our house again, I'll souse him
with dish-water, sure"
I tried to say something again, but hang the
luck, | couldn't say nothing but squeezed Kate's
hand, and sighed like q cranky bellus.
others, Kate says:
"Ben, feel that you are my protector, and
believe daddy's right when he says you're worth
sll the rest Of the boys in the naborhood."
Ben Pr1rtle, says !, this il great day for you,
and made a tremendous effort to get my mouth
off again, and out it popped, sure enough.
"Kate," said I, trembling all over, "I love
you to destruction, and no mistake. I've loved
you long and hard. My hearts been almost
broken for years; and want you to say right
straight up and down, whether you're a-going
to have me or not 2'
Kate hung down her head and didn't say
nothing, but felt encouraged, for she kinder
sighed. Says /, "Kate eff you're gwine to
have me, say so, and ef you don't want to
say 30, just squeeze my hand"
Well she squeezed my hand right off, Lorry
how l did feel. felt like as stream Of warm
water or sassafras tea, sweetened with molasses,
was running through my bones and l lust
cotched her in my arms and kissed her. and she
never tried the first time to get loose
Ben was so overcome with this narration of
courtship, that pause for breath was necessary.
"How long after that" said I, "befors YOU
we're maried?"
sold Sammy WIS mighty proud, and so was
the old 'oman, about the thing, and we married
next fall after the museandine scrapen
"Do you think your wife loves you YETI"
saked.