Weekly Trinity journal., 1858-02-13
How su. Lovegood Got His shir, on.

How SUIT Lovegood Got His Shirt on.
.Ye know I boards with Bill Carr, at his cabin
on the mountain, and pays fur such as gifts when
hev money, an when l hevent eny, why he
takes one third outen me in cussin'; and she,
that's his wife, Belts, takes out tother two thirds
with the battlin' stick, and the intrust's more'n
the princip'l-heap more. She's the cussedest
'oman ever seed eny how for jaw, breeding ard
pride. She can scold a blister onto a bulls face,
rite on the curl in two minits. She out breeds
ev'rything on the river-and patterns arter every
fashion she hears tell on, from busses TO brches.
Oh she's one on 'em, aud sometimes she is two
OF three. Well, ye see, Id got some home made
cotton truck to make a shirt outen, and
coaXed Belts 10 make it, and about the time it
were done, hero comes lawyer johnson along and
axed for breakfus--I wish it lad pizened him,
durn his hide and I wonder it didn't fur she
cooks awful mxngs when she tries. I'm pizen
proof myself, (holding up his flask and peeping
through it) or I'd been dead long ago.
Well, while he wer q eatin', she spied out that
his shirt was stiff and mighty slick so she never
rested till she worm'd it outen him that prepa-
ration of flour did it, and she got few partcu-
lars about the proceedings outcn him by 'oman's
arts-I don't know how she did ii, perhaps he
does After be left, she set in an billed big pot
of paste-nigh on to a peek of il. an soused in
my shirt an let it soak awhile, then she tuck II
an ironed it out fat an dry and sot it op its
aidge agin the cabin in the sun. Thar it stood az
stiff as dry hoss hide, an it ratified like sheet
Of iron, it did. WE'LL Belts an me got the thing
open arter some hard work, she pulling at one Of
the tails and me at tother, am got into it, Durn
the everlasting new tangled shirt, say ielt
like had crawled into an old bee gum aud i ull
of pis ants but il weT like lawyer Johuson's and
/ stud it like q man, and went to work to build
Belts ash hopper / worked WondgrfQ! hard
and SWEET like hoss, and when the shirt got wet
1t quit its hurting. After got dun tuck about
four fingers of red eye, and crawled up into the
cabin loft to take snuze.
We'll, when ! walked up, thought was dcd.
or had the cholery, for all the joints | could
move wer my ankles, wrists, knees-culdnt even
move my head and skasely wink my eyes-the
cussed shirt was pasted fast onto me all over from
the pint of the tails to the pint Of the broadaX
collier over my years 1t sot TO me as close as n
poor cow does to her hide in March. | squirmed
and strained till | sorter got it broke at the
shoulders and elbows, and then dun the burned
est fool thing ever did in these mountains. |
shuffled my briches off and tore loose from my
hide about two inches of the tail all around, in
much pain and tribulation. Oh but it did hurt
Then tuck up plank outen the loft and hung
my leg down through the hole and nailed the
adge of the front tail to the floor before me, and
the hind tail nailed to the plank wot / sot on
unbuttoned the collier aud risbands, raised my
hands away above my head, shot up my eyes,
said grace and jumped through the ground floor
Here Sut sadly remarked
George, I'm q darnder fool than ever dad
was, hoss, hornets an all. I'll drown myself sum
of these days, see ef DON'T
well, 60 on, Sut did the shirt come off?
-t.h-i-n-k--it--d-i-d. hearn noise
forter like taring shingle roof off over house,
oil at onst, and felt like my bones were all that
reached the fore. staggered to my feet and
tuck look at my shirt. The nails had all ht
their holt, and thar it war hanging, arms down,
inside out, and stiff as ever 1t looked like the
map ov Mexico jist arter one ov the first battles |
"a patch Of my hide about the size of dollar .
and half bill here a bunch OF my har about the !
size Of birds nest thar then sum more skin !
then sum paste then a little more bar then a |
heap Of skin then more har; then skin, and so
on over that burned, new tangled, everlasting, |
internal cuss Of shirt. 1t was pcter to look |
at--an' so ,cos l. The hide, har and paste were |
about ekeaiy devidcd atween me an hit. Won |
der what Belts, durn her, thort when she cum
home and found me missing. 'Speci she thinks |
crawled into q thicket and died of my wounds
1t must have skared her good, for | tell you it |
looked like the skin ov sum wild beast torn off
alive, or a bag wat had kerried n load ov fresh |
beef from shooting match
Now. if ever ketch that lawyer johnson out
I'll shoot him, and if ever an 'oman talks about
hat'nin' shirt for me agin, durn my everlnstin'
Fictur eff don't fatten her. It's retribution sar
tin, the biggest kind Of preachers peculiar ret
rbution. 10 you remember OF my driving ov
dad through that hornets nest, and then racing !
Of him inter the kreek?'
Yes
We'll, this is what comes of it. nj drown my
self some OF these days, see eff / don't die from
that awful shert. Take horn. and don't you
try sticky shert as long as you live