The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1858-05-06
From Blockwood's Magazine.
About Babies.

seemed like mere Jumps Of mortality
with the complexion of q Cambridge
sausage, and features Of general squash
mess; fat babies, bIoated babies, brick
dust-colored babies, yellow babies, and
skinny babies-but an ugly baby l have
never seen. Moreover, ] have had my
amioble temper slightly rufled by the
bowling and fretting of those interest
ing embryos. / have had my whiskers
meroilessly tuggod by their fat fingers,
and my shirt front dobbled by the same,
holding a well-sucked crust Of bread;
but a djsagreeaJle baby has not yet
made its appearance.
True It is, that had I relied solely
on my own impressions, q tastidious
taste would have prompted a very une-
quivocal judgment in these cases, and
I should have recommended immediate
boiling as the one thing needful to be
done with such babies. But philoso-
pher will not rely on his single impress
sions; he inquiries, investigates, com
pares. Personal beauty and personal
attractiveness are too volatile for fixed
formulas they escspe the rigors Of dem
onstration, and appeal wholly to senti-
ment. Now sentiment is personal, rel
ative, suljectiUe; one mans liking IS as
legitimate as anothers. What Charles
thinks insipid, Philip thinks enchant-
ing, and both are right. When, there
fore, distrusting the limitation Of my
own finite nature, and my own imper-
feet experience Of babylon, sought
for confirmation among those whose
greater experience invested them with
authority, 1 invariably found myself in
direct opposition to some one more
competent.
1 was told that I was "no judge of ba-
bies" and indeed am far from being q
connoisseur in that interesting branch
of Fine Arts. The mother, the nurse,
the aunts the elder sisters, the proud
father. the unobtrusive mother-in-law,
and the much-experienced Mrs, Mug
geridge, "expecting her NINTH were,
one and all, in a high state Of aesthetic
enthusiasm about this very baby which
[ had declared, with all politeness, but
with sincerity how misplaced! to fall
somewhat short of my ideal Of human
ity in small clothes. They pointed to Its
head, which Mr.. Thickskull the phrenol.
onist had assured them was remarkably
fine in its developments They pointed
to its lovely hair Ga thin sprinkling OF
colorless stuff to its legs-had l ever
seen such legs? Il had seen pale boIo-
gnas much resembling them0 to its nose
Ia dab of putty) to its sweet mouth
and then what eyes! what intelligence!
what mind! In fact / was oyerwhclm-
ed with details and arguments all pro
wing this particular baby to be the "sweet-
est love- and as my opponents were
persons apparently versed in the varie-
ties of the species, could only con
clude that my opinion was the result
Of ignorance.
Philosophers have long vainly striyen
to fix a standard of Beauty. Whether
they will ever succeed may be cues
ton; but it is certain they will never
succeed in fixing a standard for babies,
because that is necessarily a sliding
scale. If the baby happens to be a
monster Of fat, he is the pride of the
household, because he is "such a splen-
did fellow" The mother tells you with
smiling complacency what his weight is,
and no fattery is sweeter to her than
the complaints of the nurserymaid, that
it breaks her back to carry him. If
instead of a mass of blubber, which
suggests the soap and candle manufac-
tory, the baby happens to be excessively
diminutive, the same mother, nurse,
aunts, sisters, unobtrusive mother-in-
law, and much experienced Mrs. Mug
geridge, who raised the chorus in praise
of the young Daniel Lambert, are now
equally eostatic over this suspicious re-
sem6lance to a newborn ape. lie is
small indeed, but $50 compact" and so
beautifully proportiOnedj' for their
parts they greatly prefer "a well shaped
small chile" to those "mOnstrous babies
all fat. You silently note the facts
that two very different standards are APP
piled to the different children; and why
no2 What have you to say against ci-
ther
Then as to attractiyeness Of domeau
or IF he squalls oil night, and gener-
ally during the day,when not sleeping
or engaged in nutritive pursuits, you
are told with sparkling pride; "baby
has such a temper of his own: perfect
little demon as if that were the high
est of moral attributes: aud, in truth,
We may observe that mothers are eX-
oessively proud of "the spirit mani
tested by their children, and excessive
ly grisyed by the exhibitions Of the
same spirit in after life, or in their
neighbors children But should the
baby, instead Of vigorous and relent-
less squalling, pass its days like an ap-
athletic lump Of dough, you are called
upon to idolize him for his "angelic
sweetness" "
What chance is there Of finding an
ugly or disagreeablo baby2 Little in
deed AZ any rate the animal is so rare
that hitherto I have been unable to meet
with it,
THE PARsoN AND THE RUsTIC--AN EPI-