Burlington free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1827-1865, 1858-08-13
NJ / s c Ell L A N Y.
MY ALARMING WIFE.


those produced by delusion under whic
she labors, that there are assassins, gnome
vampires, or what not, in our house at nigh
and that it is my bounden duty to leave m
bed at any hour or temperature, and to
battle with the same, in very inadequate ar
parel. The circumstances which atten
Mrs. b. alarms are generally of the follow
ing kind. am awakened by the mention c
my baptismal name, in that peculiar specie
of whisper which has something unearthl,
in its very nature, besides the dismal associa
tions which belong to it, from the fact of it
being used only in melodramas and scl
rooms
" Henry, Henry, Henry"
How many times she has repeated this,
know not the sound falls on my ear like tn,
tapping of a hundred waves, or as "Robir
Crusoe, Robin" of the parrot smote upon thu
ear of the terrified islander of Defoe; but a
last wake, to view, by the dim freight
this vision Mrs. B. is sitting up besid,
me in listening attitude of the very intenses
kind her night cap Zone with cherry color
ed ribbons, such as it can be no harm to SPEAK
about,) is turned back behind either ear hel
hair-in paper-is rolled out of the way
upon each side like banner furled; her eyes
are rather wide open, and her mouth very
much so; her fingers would be held up tc
command attention, but that she is support
ing herself in a somewhat absurd manner
upon her hands.
:" Henry, did you hear that?
"What, my love-
That noise There 1t is again there
there
The disturbance referred to is that caused
by mouse nibbling at the wainscot and l
venture to say so much in tone Of the deep
est conviction.
No, no, Henry; it's not the least like
that; it is file working at the pantry win
dow. will stake my existence, Henry, that
it is fle.''
Whenever my wife makes use of this par
ticular form of words, know that oppos-
tion is useless. l rise, therefore, and put on
my slippers and dressing-gown Mrs. B. re-
fuses to let me have the candle, because she
will die of terror if she is left alone without
light. She puts the poker into my hand
and with gentle violence, is about to expel
me from the chamber, when assudden thought
strikes her
''Stop bit, Henry" she e1claims. Sun
till have looked into the cupboards and pla-
ces - which she proceeds to do most minute
ly, investigating even the short drawers of q
foot and half square. am at length dis
missed upon my perilous errand, and Mrs
B. locks and double locks the door behind
me with celebrity that almost catches my
retreating garments. My expedition
therefore combines all the dangers ofa sally,
with the additional disadvantage of having
my retreat into my own fortress cut
off, Thus cumbrously but effectually capar-
soned I perambulate the lower stories of the
house in darkness, in search of that distur-
Der of Mrs BIS repose which am well con-
,oaI Sc La1 I'D %La IS Iau
apartment, and nowhere else. The pantry,
need not say, is as silent as the grave, and
about as cold. The clock in the kitchen
looks spectral enough by the light of the ex-
piring embers, but there is nothing there
with lite except black beetles, which crawl
in countless numbers over my naked ankles.
There is noise in the cellar, such as Mrs.
B. would at once identify with the supposed
converse Of anticipative burglars, but which
l recognize in moment as the dripping of
the SIN II beer cask, whose tap is troubled
with ervous disorganization Of that kind.
The dining room is chill and cherries a
ghostlyarmchair is doing the grim honors
Of the table to three other vacant seats, and
dispensing hospitality in the shape of a
mouldy orange and some biscuit, which re-
member to have left in some disgust,
No; the war;
nings of the great clock - one, two,
three. . . What frightful noise it makes
in the startled ear Of night! Twelve o'clock.
left this dining-room, then, but three hours
and half ago; it certainly does not look
like the same room now. The drawlng-room
is also far from wearing its usual snug an
comfortable appearance. Could we possibly
have all been sitting in the relative positions
to ono another which these chairs assume
Or since we were there, has some spiritual
company with no eyes for order left among
them, taken advantage of the remains of ouI
fire to hold a reunion? They are here ever
at this moment, perhaps and their gentle
men have not yet come up from the dining
room. shudder from head to foot, partly
from the bare idea of such a thing, partly
from the naked fact of my exceedingly un
clothed condition, They do say in the very
passage which have now to cross, in order
to get to Mrs. B. again, my great-grand
father walks" in compensation, | suppose
for having been prevented by gout from tax
ing that species of exercise while he wa'
alive. There are more things in heaven anc
oarth than are dreamed Of in your philoso
ply, think as approached this spot; bu
do not say SO, for am well-nigh speeches
with oold-yes with cold it is only my
teeth that chatter. What a scream tina
doubt this time as to who is the owner o.
that terrified voice. Mrs. B.'s alarms hav,
evidently taken some other direction. "Hen
ry, Henry" she cries, in tones of q yer,
tolerable pitch A lady being in the case
fly upon the wings Of domestic love aloni
the precincts sacred to the perambulations O
my grea.- grandfather. arrive at my wife''
chamber the screams continue, but tn
door is locked. .-i-t
"Open, open J" shouted l. What oil
earth is the matter ?"
There is silence then a mans voice-il
imitation of a man's-replies IN tones Q
indignant ferocity, 10 convey tho idea of
life preseryer under the pillow Of the speak
or, and ready to his hand, Who are you
what DO you wantf"'
You very silly woman" answer nc
from impoliteness, but because ! find tha
that sort of language recovers and assures he
of my identity better than any other-"Why
it's l."
The door is then opened six or seven inche.
and am admitted with all the precautio
which attends the entrance Of an alley int
besieged garrison.
Mrs. B. now leaning upon my shoulder
dissolved into copious tears, and points to tn
door communicating with my attiring chan
ber.
"Thcrs's sur-sur--somebody been so-no
ing in your dressing room, ,"she sobs," all th
time YOU were away"
This statement Is a little too much for m
senses Of lfuu,or, and although sympathizin
very tenderly with poor Mrs B., | came
help bursting into little roar of laughte
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