San Andreas independent., 1858-08-21

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theirs, | fell over table which very i'm
pertinently stepped before me, and as |
went down | knocked small Dutchman
into the corner, then fell over him; then
| partially recovered myself and sat on his
head; then demanded an instant apollo
gy; then called for six glasses of lager,
and when the girl brought them ali in
one hand, tried to take them in one
hand, but broke three; then tried to
drink Of the remaining three all at once,
and In SO doing l took an involuntary
shower bath; then tried to pay for the
whole fifty glasses and the damage, with
dime and Spanish quarter, and deman-
ded that he should give me my change in
gold dollars. There seemed to be some
difficulty about this, and if hadn't tknown
that lager isn't intoxicating, should have
thought the man was drunk. I was on
the point of calling in a policeman to ar
rest him for swindling, when Damphool
came and explained the matter, and his
thick head at last comprehended that I
was right.
Little tambourine girl came along and
wanted money for man who was perform
ing with a great deal of skill on a crank
outside; felt generous and tried to put
Damphool into the tambourine under the
impression that he was a half dollar !;
finally presented the girl with my compli-
ments, two cigars, and penny, with
which she went off satisfied.
Then thought I'd make love to a
pretty girl who had just brought me a
glass of lager, Ga beverage prevalent in
that vicinity, and which does not possess
any intoxicating power,) so I pressed to
my heart for two minutes, what sup
posed to be her hand, and did not find
out that it was her petticoat till I tried to
kiss it, and got my mouth full of WOODEN
yarn; looked at pretty girl with indigna-
tion, and asked her what she meant by
such conduct Then l had a mug of
lager Ga liquor which does not intoxicate,
and which is much used by the German
population.)
Then the music struck up. When I
saw the fellows with the crooked brass
horns up to their mouths, I thought they
were drinking some kind of beer that |
hadn't had any Of, so snatched the tam
BOURNE and ordered the girl to fill it up
Immediately. Then I volunteered "a song.
The company all kept silent to hear me,
and | began to whistle Old Dog Tray,
with intervals of FIVE minutes between the
notes. Then l had glass of lager, Ga
kind of beer much fancied by the foreign
element of our city, which does not intox-
icate, and | fear abused the waiter be-
cause he didn't bring me gravy on it
Then l had another, into which poured
vinegar, mustard, and fine cut tobacco,
under the delusion that | was making a
brandy punch. Then [ remembered that
| had resolved not to drink anything that
would intoxicate, so heroically threw
my brandy punch into the fire, and called
for glass of lager, Ga drink which the
early Teutons introduced into this coun-
try, and which does not intoxicate)
Then the music struck up again, and |
wanted the alligator to waltz. Alligator
refused to speak to me. Thought I'd
take off my coat and whip alligator into
decency, but as was trying to accom-
plish this enterprise, | lost my balance
and sat down in plate of ham and mus
tard belonging to a fierce German, whom
| instantly seized by the moustache,
whereupon he knocked me down. Re
solved that I'd kill fierce German imme-
diately, and explained to him at length
that if he'd let me get up, I'd cut his
head off with an oyster knife. Then Dam
phool came and pacifed me, and took the
fierce German away. Got up and had
some lager, the whole of which | poured
into my bosom, as | was trying to explain
to the bystanders that lager Ga pleasant
compound of unknown Ingredients isn't
intoxicating.
Suddenly / again determined to dance
and started off with that intention I
have an indistinct recollection that about
this time there was a great upsetting of
tables aud smashing of glasses, but l re-
ally cannot undertake to say whether |
fred loaf of bread through the window
before | threw the castor bottles at the
fddlers, or not; or whether that innocent
demonstration was not perceded by my
breaking all the decanters in the window
by ham, and staving in the beer cask
with an axe, or can [ tell whether | ex-
the clarionet player with the
big cheese before or after | sat down on
the piano and got the cramp in my right
leg trying to play bass solo with my
heels, but | find that all these little cir
cumstances were in the programme. Why
[ conducted myself in this manner l am
unable to say. l could not have been
drunk, for | had partaken of nothing but
lager bier, which is fluid innocent of
alcohol. 1t may have been the sardines
or the cheese-or perhaps the sausage
flew to my head.
I was finally captured by four Dutch
men, led on by Damphool, who took me
off the floor, behind the piano, where |
was trying to pour beer out of an E fat
bugle, and was asking the bass drum if it
wouldn't have another mug. was sup
ported by the whole strength of the COM
pany as far as the door, where Damphool
took charge of me. ] went along we'll