Nebraska advertiser., 1858-09-23
Miscellaneous.
How Ben PurtIe got a Wife.


The very climax of ugliaess was Ben
Purtle. He was red-haired, and each
hair stood as if it cherished the most su-
preme contempt for its next neighbor
His nose supported at the bridge, large
lump, while tie end turned viciously to
one side. His mouth had every shape
but pretty one. Us form was as un-
couth as his face .,y. The very
climax Of ugliness was Ben Purtle-what
was still more, Ben had bouncing, hand
some blooming wife-such as can be
grown only upon good old country
farm.
"How the duce;;" said l to Ben one day,
did you ever get such a wife, you un-
couth, misshapen quintessence of mon
strosity!"
Ben was not at all offended at the i'm
pertinenCe Of my question; and forthwith
began to solve the question, thus:
"WelI, now, gals what's sensible amt
cotched by none of your purity hifaIutin
airs. I've seed that tried morn once.
You know Katy was alters considerable
the Purtiest gal in these parts, and all the
young fellers in the neighborhood used
to try to catch her. Well, l used to 90
over to old Sammy's too, just to kinder
look on, you know, and cast sleeps eyes
at Kate. But, Lord sakes! l had no
more thought that | could get Kate than
a Jerusalem cricket could hide in the
hair that wasn't on old Sammy's bald
head-no stree. But still, could not
help going, my heart would kind O futter
and my eyes would burn all ever, when
ever l would go to talkto Katy. And one
day, when Kate sorter made fun Of ne,
it almost killed me sure; I went home
with something like rock jostlin' in my
breast, and swore I'd hang myself with
the first plow-Ine foundn %
did you hang yourself z"
mo, Daddy bIazed out to me for not
taking old Bell to the pasture in the NOR
ming, and scared me so bad that l for
gotit"
Go on,' said l, seeing Ben pause,
with apparent regret that he had not ex-
ecuted his VOW.
"Wel, soon, one Sunday morning.
reckon it was about year after that
hanging scrape, l got up and scraped my
face with daddy's old razor, and put on
my new copprus breeches and a new lin
sey coat marin had dia3 with sasafras
bark, and went over to uncle Sammy's.
Now id got to loving Kate like all crea-
ton, but never cheeped to anybody
about my feelings. But l know d l vas
on the right side ~f ;..e old folks"
"Weu, now, de-. +. oreer,' continued
Ben, after a sL.g-. pause, during which
he rolled his Quid ty I more convenient
place in his mouth, "how a tcller will
feel sometimes Something seemed to
say, as went along, Ben Purtle, this is
a great day for YOU and my heart
fluttered and jumped like jay bird in a
trap. And when l got there and seed
Kate with her new homspun frock on,
rally thought l should take the blind
staggers enyhow."
Ben paused again to brush the fog
from his eyes, and then confined:
We'll, found the order of the day
was to 90 muscadine hunting. Joe
Sharp and his two sisters and Jim Bowls
was thar. I'd know'd a long time that
Joe was right after Kate, and | hated him
worse than a hog hates to find its way
out of potato patch, but l didn't let on.
Sharp had on white breeches, fine shoes
and a 5roadcloth coat, but every body
knew he warn't worth a red cent. He
walked with Kate and you ought to have
seen the airs he put on. 1t was Miss
Kate, this, and Miss Kate that, and all
such nonsense. After a while we came
near slough, whar we had to cross on a
log and I'd notion to pitch the sassy
good-for-nothing into the water"
"Why didn't you?' l asked, sympa-
thising with the narrator.
stop, never mind" said Ben, giving
me nudge. "ProvidenCe done that all
up brown. Nothing must do but Joe
must lead Kate across fust. He Jump
ed on the log in high glee and took Kate;
hand, and off they put. Just as they got
half way across a tarnation big bullfrog
Jumped off into the water. You know
how they holler. Snakes - screamed
the blasted fool, and knocked Kate off UP
to her waist in the tarnal nasty, black.
muddy water. And what dye think he
done ? Why, run backards and foreds.
hOllerinfor pole to help Miss Kate out
of the water! Kate looked at me and
| couldn't stand il any lonrer. CurcbunL