davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
Can't You Take q Joke1

Some one describing a steamboat trip
on the Missouri river, gives the following,
we should say, graphic description of one
of the night scenes Of the trip:
The "!tyland is the second boat that has
passed down the river since the re opening
of navigation, and consequently she is
crowded to suffocation. Every state room
was occupied before she left Kansas, and
now every superficial foot Of her cabin
floor is nightly covered with sleepers, pack
ed like picked mackere while scores OF
men are compelled, if they repose at all
to perform somewhat difficult, feat, and
sleep sitting or standing.
These uniortunates, having no other re .
source, keep the cabin so full OF tobacco
smoke that one might cut it with a knife.
And occasionally one of them having in.
dulged too freely in certain stimulating
bibul.nts at the bp. makes night hideous
with his vocal gymnastics. Last night one
Of these gentry, or rather the strychuine
whisky within him, kept up such a con
cert as never mortal man heard before
Regularly. at intervals of about half an
hour, just as the floor passengers we're be.
coming unconscious, be would starte them
all by believing forth in stensorian tones.
40, hare you seen the tur-tile dove,''
Expostuations were in vain. and the
sitters. with that dog in the manger spir
it so largely prevalent in poor human ma
ture, seemed to enjoy the fun immensely.
Stimulated by their laughter and by
suniry fresh potations, the young man
soon grew more practical in his freaks.
He would annoy some of the sleepers by
stepping upon or accidentally kicking
them, and when they awUks, III surprise
and Indignation, would bring out peal
Of laughter, by asking. with an air Of in
jureJ innocence, Cant you take a joke p
At last he approached quiet gentleman,
who stretched upon his back, was sleeping
soundly on one of the tables. Quietly
faising his head several inches, be sudden
ly let it fall on The table. l; of course
awoke him, and as be looked around to
see the cause Of the unexpected collision,
the young man asked, as usual:
"Can't you take a Joke ?"
ooh, yes was the reply. Capital,
wasn't it? Ha, hav
The gentleman slowly arose. descended
from the table, and before the young man
comprehended his purpose, stepped lei.
surely up to him and suddenly planted a
tremendous blow with the fist. right be-
tween his eyes. The astonished practical
Joker fell like a ten-pn seven or eight feet
from the table. In minute or two he
picked bimse|f up rubbed his eyes to col
leA his scattered thoughts, and a, last
said, in a sorry whine,
stranger. didn't mean any harm"
"Oi course you didn't" replied the gen
tleman; neither did |. Why, man. canf
yon take a joke |'
The roaring laughter which followed
subdued the young man altogether. lie
has been very quiet since.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

Here are venison from the brown forests
of Maine, turkeys from the broad savan-
mas of the West, canvass backs from the
placid Potomac, trout from Superior and
salmon from the St. Johns, together with
fruits, flowers and wines for every taste
and from every cline.
The repast over, you are permitted
with . pstroBizing invitation to "call
again-to make your retreat to the open
air, there to thank heaven that you Ar not
. worsbipper within the magnificent yet
cherries abode. "a
One nights work few days previous to
the close of the last session. made sad
havoc among the Golfers Of his den. 1t is
said that distinguished Senator won on
that night one hundred and eighty thou
sand dollars, which broke the bank and
caused temporary suspension. A new
house, however, was soon purchased by
him, and being magnfeently decorated
when the king Of terrors,' the great M
beaten and unchallenged, stepped in and
closed the game Of life forever.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
IOWA ELEcTIoN-0FFICIAL.


The State Board Of Commissioners com.
pleted their labors on the first Of Decem.
Der. The following are the footings up Of
the official tables:
,, Conyrrss-lst District.
Curtis, 2s,52s Trimble, 22,92s
Curtis majority, 600.
End District
yandever, 25.5O3 Leffingwell, 22,764
Wanderers majority. 2,739.
Secretary Of State.
sslls,.. 1915 Douglas. 45,5s7
Sells majority, 3,54s.
Auditor Of State.
Cattell, 1877 Parvin, 46,0S3
Cat'ell's majority, 2,7l4.
Treasurer Of !Sta;e.
Jones 4S.s36 Iorah, 45,725
Jones majority, 3,lOl.
Ahosney General.
Rice, 4S,el4 E,wood, 45,727
Rice's majority, 3,os7.
Register ef Land Office.
Miller, 1928 Reid, 45,539
Miller S majority, 3,7l4.
Commissioner Des .Notnes improvement.
Drake, 1915 Baldwin. 45,44i
Brakes majority, 2,73l.
LIT Judicial District
Judge F. A. Springers majority, SIS
Dist. Attorney. Tracy's maj, 7s9
NJ. b. of Ed.-Chas. Mason mai, lag
2ud Judicial District
judge. S. Townsend's mai, 32s
Dist. Atty--Amos Harris mai, SOS
NJ b. OF Ed. B. Perry's maj, l,2l2
Sd Judicial District
Judge-E. H.. Sears mai, l55
Dist. Att'y-R b. PARROTS mai, 337
NJ. b. OF Ed.-G p kimball's mai, l,l3O
4th Judicial District
Judge-A. W. Hubbard's mai, lO4
Dist. Atty-O. c. Howe's ma :. 33l
NJ. b. of Ed. Brainard's maj, 46
9TH Judicial District
Judge. H. Gray's mai, 22S
Dist. Att'y-P. Cad Bryan's mai, S
NJ. B. of Ed.--Dan Mills mai, 46s
9th judicial District
Judge--Wm. NJ. Stones maj. l,3Gl
Dist. Att'y--G. ID. Wooden mai. .23j
NJ. D. OF Eds. L. Cooper's maj. ,l3G
,th judicial District
Jndge-John L. Dillon's maj LIZA
Dist. Att'y-H. O'Conners maj. 5l9
NJ. b. Of Ed. H. Canfields m.i. is3
Sth Judicial District-
Judge-W +. Miller's mai. 62l
Dist. Attorney--I. l.. Aliens maj 66l
NJ Il. Of E1.-Es NJ. Conpelly's mai. S22
9th Judicial District
Judge-T. s. Wilson's mai 1856
Dist. Att'y-W. I. 3arkers mai. l.24l
VI. B. of Edo. III p .Rozell's mai. 1920
10Th Judicial District
Judge-E. IL. Williams, mai. 434
Dist Atty-Milo IcGlathery's mai. 264
NIB. of Ed-A.B.F Hildrethl' maj 1893
llth Judicial District
Judge-John Porter's mai. 29S
Dist. Att'y-W. p. Hepburn's mai 406
NJ. b. Of Ed. j. Mi,chell's mai. 800
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

THE undersigned propose issuing book
i under the above title. 10 contain about
FIFTEEN HUNDRED PAGES!
Size Of pages Is by 20 inches,
The object of the United States Dire
tory will be
l.t, to give the name and postoflice ad
dress Of every male person OF the age OF
fifteen years and upwards, in the United
States. gH
md, to give the name Of every postofice
and postmaster in the United States.
Sd. to give the name and place of pub,
lication Of every daily, weekly, monthly
and quarterly paper and magazine, pub
lished in the United States.
Each state, city, town, village and post
! Office will be phahetieally arranged
The M me oil each person will be alpha
betically arranged under The head Of their
respective post office addresses.
As the United States Directory Will be
. matter OF interest to every citizen OF
America. we respectfully solicit the aid OF
postmasters and others in all parts OF the
country in Obtaining names and sending
them on as soon as possible.
In making up lists, write the name OF
the postofice, county and state AT the head
Of the sheet, then ill the remainder with
distinctly written names, OF male persons
only, OF tho age of fifteen years and up
wards, and as soon as you have sufficient
to fill an envelope, .orwar9 them on imme
diately.
.s A prospectus will be sent post paid to
any person who may order il.
'ss 10 prcvent mistakes Write distinctly
the names. postoffice, county and state.
NORRIS, GARDNER q WILKES.
III 81 Publishers, Cincinnati, Ohio.
NIB. Publishers inserting the above
prospectus, including this notice, three
trnes in their weekly paper, and calling
attention to the same in their editorial col
umns, will receive copy OF the Directory,
delivered attheir Office free OF Charge
lJirea al exchange Papers o7the US
Directory.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
Newspaper borrowers.

Hear how editors talk to the borrowing
individuals:
Got news paper to spare T
"ies, sir here's one of our last. Would
yon ike to subscribe, sir, and take it reg
ularly 2"
Il would, but I'm too poor"
That man had ust come from the cir
eus-cost fifty cents lost time from his
farm fifty cents liquor, Judging from the
smell, fifty cents making dollar and a
half actually thrown away, and then bee.
ging for newspaper, alleging that he
is too poor to pay for i.
That's what we call saving at the spig,
got and leaking a; the buns hole.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

A TOUCHING Dlrrl IN PRnsE. When
Seth got home from mackerling. he sought
his Sarah Ann. and found that she, the
hear,less one, had found another man.
And then most awful tight be got, and
then he went awar, and bound himself to
cut live oak all down in Floriday. lie
pined upon the live oak land. he murmur-
ed in The shades his axe grew heavy in
his hand, all in the wild wood glades.-
Mosquitoes bit him everywhere, no COM
fort did he get, and oh how terribly he
swored whenever he got bit. At last, de
spairing Of relief, and wished himself dead, /,
he went into the woods apiece and chopped
of his own head off,
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

49, The son Of a worthy deacon whose
father was away from home, undertook to
say the family prayer-the prayer he had
been acc ousto,ned to hearing every evenin =
since the days Of his boyhoad. He com
ruenced Alright, and for o time got on
wimmingy-quite astonishing his moth.
er, who bad no idea she had 50 talented
sol. AT last. when he was in the midst
OF his Invocation. his memory iorsook him.
and h. repeated the first part Of the pray
er over again. This be did several times.
till at length the patience Of the old dame
was thoroughly exhausted.
John she whispered, ''do get through
sometime"
Il would mother replied the poor boy,
''but | don know how TO wind the plaguy
thing up!"
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

i CEncEtr Sfoar.-Harh3 Ike the fot.
lowing are getting scarce. though at On,
time the papers were fui! Of them:
bary Crocket happened to he ?ressn:
at an exhibition Of animals IN the city Of
Washington, where monkey seemed :,
attract his attention and he obsecyei:-
If that fellow had on pair of spectacl.s
he would look like Major Wright, of Ohio.
The Major happened to be just behind
crocket, and tapped Days shoulder
Turning around. Davy very formally re-
marked I'll be hanged. Major. if know
whose pardon to ask, yours or the monk
av's
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
7"aII 11I TIE r MS:
Fer a cnnr of tie Daily Glnhe 4 M 81 90

For copy Of the Daily Globe 4 m. $500
For a copy for less time per m.) 100
For copy Of the Congressional Globe
and Appendix during the session, 800
Bank notes, carrent in the section Of
the country where a subscriber resides,
will be received at par. The whole or
sny part of a subscription may be remittcd
in postage stamps, which are preferable
to any currency, except gold or silver
Where bank notes under 80 cannot be
procured, will send two copies for :5.
A paper will not be seut unless the
memey accompanies the order for it.
cannot afford to exchange with all the
newspapers that desire the Globes but
will send the Daily Globe during the ses-
sion to all who shall publish this prospec
tus three times before the FIRST Monday of
next December. Those who may publish
should send their papers to me, marked
with pen, to direct attention TO it. The
Congressional Globe and Appendix will be
stereotyped; aud, therefore, l shall be
able to send the back numbers for this
session 70 all who may subscribe after the
session commences; but il the first edition
shall have been exhausted before the sub.
scription money is received, shall charge
81 additional per copy to pay the expense
of putting the plates on The press. Sub
scriptions should reach me as early as the
first week of December to insure complete
copies at the prices advertised above.
JOHN G. RlEES.
Washington, Oct. Il, 1855. nis-3t
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

The DEvIL.--A Speaker III meeting,
not long since, eniargiug upon the rascal
ity OF the devil. hit of the following p.thy
words:
Il tell yol that the devil is an old liar; for
when wPs about getting religion he told
me that i'll did get religion could no. 20
into gay company, and lie or che.;. or anv
such thing. but Thar .t@aaa him out 10 BE-
qreut Ggr.'
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
On Lake Ontary.

Green are thy waters, green as bottle glass,
Behold 'sm stretched thar;
Fine Muskolongcs aud 0swego bass,
Is chefely ketched thar.
Wunst red .niuns tuck their del,h 1,
Pisht. Al, aud bled
Now most Of the inhabitents arc whites,
With nary rsd.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

ARsoN--AN ELECTION BET.-We have
noticed a great many silly election bets,
but here is one mentioned by the Troy pa
pers which exc els all other absurdilies:
A gentleman named Fanshaw, residing
in Saratoga County offered to allow one
Sanderson to burn down bis COW house il
Judge Parker failed to get 5000 majority
for Governor. Mr.. Sande-son Won the
privilege of touching of the COW house:
Mr.. Sanderson touched off the COW house
and the COW house was burned to the
ground. In burning the COW house Mr..
Sanderson also burnt two cows, worth $50
Fanshaw admits that his friend had per-
feet right to burn the house, but not the
cattle. For doing this latter. Fanshaw
has comm enced suit gainst Sanderson.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

sJ' young clergyman, from Hach.as,
intending 70 leave his parish he next day
for the purpose OF gcttiag married, an
nounced as his text on a ate Sabbath the
following appropriate passage:-"It is nee.
essary for you that | 90 away, FOR if / go
not away, the Comforter will not GOMEZ"
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

En-A verdant young man entered fan
cy store in a city lately, while the lady
proprietor was arranging a lot OF perfu
merry. She inquired of him ii he would
not Ike TO have some musk bags to pu. in
"his drawcrs. After an examination o.
the article. he told the young lady that he
did not rear drapers, and wanted to know
if il wouldn't do 10 rear Ia The ;,aatdiooas
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

IGy~ A man travelling with his wife,
saved himself in a railroad collision, but
she was killed. When he reached home,
he missed his umbrella and applied to the
directors for it. 1t was MT returned; and
now 10 speaking Of the accident, he always
says:
''Yes on that dayd lost bran new um-
brella, and my wife,
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

nR- Father" said cobbIer lad, reg.
glng away at an old shoe, '',h.y say ,ha.
trout bite good now" "Weil, WE'LL" re-
piled the o,d gentleman, "ycu stick to your
work, and they won't bite yoa'
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

90~"lIaye you any fish in your basket?'
asked person Of a fisherman, who was
returning home. "Yss, a good eel,' was
the reply.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

sea- "leu want iiogsing. tha.s VIVA.
you do said parent to his unruly son.
Il know it, dad, but Ill try to get along
without it,
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
ky- An auetioneer was ,stiir.,a lot O:

bS An auetioneer was ss'!!rs = lot Of
land for agricultural purposes.
"Gentlemeu,' said be, this is the mos.
delightful land to cnltivat.-it IS so very
light. MIR. Parker, here will corrobe-..s
my statements: he owns the next patch,
and he will tell YOU how easy it !. worked"
"les, gentlemen" said Mr.. Parker. 1T
IS very easy to work. bn. it !, a plasuy
sight easier TO esther the crops
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

1sag" The ice on the river is now per
iectly secure, and teamsters are busily en-.
gagged in saul'ng wood from the Nebraska
side.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

naS The following lines contain =,
much truth as poetry, in regard to ;hs
choice of a mate for life:
The maiden n the Kitchen
With smiles 80 h.wit hin
Is just tho eirl for man of god .snsst
And i! you would win her
Look we'll 20 he dnuar
IT'S bcttss than 'har.aais If y o-ef
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

na- Punch says it requires an early
start nowadays for a maa to get round
his wife.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

ls, Industry mast prospect, As ths
man said when holding the baby for hi.
vile to chop wool.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

sfa~ MY boy, what does your mother q, ssyr
for living p was asked Of little barss . <
footed archn "shS eats cold yit,e, sir
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

Ax1- Sorrows grow less and less every
time they are told, lust like the age OF .
woman.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

Dea- We often hear OF man "being in
advance Of his age but who ever heard
Of woman in the same preiicanen.?
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
~ sAkv n,at,r nail a stak

s4-"Why Doctor said = sick lady,
"yon give me the same medicine that YOU
are giving to my husband how's that .
"All right replied the doctor: what is
sauea for the goose is sauce for tho gan
der
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
:. (, a.THl.El, GLOBE: Q BIZ =
The Official Paper Of Congress.

Ishall publish the Daily Globe, and tie
Congressional Globe and 1ppeadir during
the next session Of Congress. The Daily
Globe will contain report Of the Debates
in both branches Of Congress as taken
down by reporters equal, at least, to any
corps of short hand writer's in this, or in
any other country. Whe the debates of a
day do not make more than forty. FIVE col,
iumns, they shall appear in the Daily
Giobs of the next morning. which will
contain, also, the news of the day, togeth
Il with such editorial articles as may be
eueeeSte6 by passing events. i'sfs
The Congressional Globe ani Appendir
will contain report of all the Debates
in Congress, revised. by the speakers, the
Messages of the President OF the United
States, the Annual Reports Of the Heads
Of the Executive Departments, the Reports
Of Committees Of Congress on important
subjects Of general interest, the Laws
passed during the session, and copious
Indexes to all. They will be printed on
q double royal sheet, in book form, royal
qWarto size, each number containing six
teen pages. averaging 1887 words per
page. The whole will make between l70O
and 1000 pages. 1t is believed that no
book has ever been published at so low
rate. Last year | advertised in the Daay
Globe, for six months, and in about one
hundred other newspapers in the United
States, a reward Of S2l5, to be paid to
auy person who would produce a book
published at so low rate, ana none was
produced. The large number of copies
subscribed for by Congress enables ne to
afford the debates to subscribers SO cheap.
The Congressional Globe and AppeAdir
pass free through the mails Of the United
States, as will be seen by reading the fol-
lowing Joint Resolution passed by Con-
gress the 9th August, 1882:
JOINT RESOLUTION prosiIing for the distribution
Of the Laws Of Congress and tho Debates thereon.
With view TO tbs cheap circulation OF the laws
Of Congress and the debates contributing to the Il uc
intsrpretatiu thereof and L. make free the comihu-
ni.a,ion between the representative and constituent
bodies:
Be IL rcsoired BIZ the SpHate aRa 11uSs IF PrpressR-
tqtsrss of the Inita ,StotsS qf ligsrra foR9res
assembled That from and after the present session Of
Congress. the Congressional Globe and Appendix
which contain the awsa Bi the debates fherecn shall
pass free tbrou tas mails So rg as the same shall
b. published hy order Of Congress: Irou'dsd. ihat
nothing herein ,haH be construed to authorize the
circulation OF the Daily Globe free OF postage.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

lKE. "Gomc 10 out Of tile VET as the
shark said when he9swallowed the nigeer
boy.
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
"No real voice or sound
Within these cherries walls are found


You are oppressed with the fearful still.
ness and awful silence which peryades the
place. A laugh, joke, or even a curse
would be a sensible relief But you hear
nothing of this. An occasional long
breath or half suLdued sigh is all that tells
the ear that these mad deyotees are pos.
sesed of lungs and life.
An hours inspection satisfies your curl.
osity, and you are about taking your leave,
when soft hand taps you on the shoulder,
and q low voice says, please don't leave.
sir, supper will be ready il few minutes. :"
At precisely lo4 O'Clock the doors OF the
dining hall are thrown open, and supper $
ready prucai,ns an immediate armistiee
between the c0mhaiants, and invites To a
more healthy and rational duty. The long
tables groan beneath their burthen Of gold
and silver plate, and the heaps OF delica-
cies which surmount and adorn thsm.-
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

Bsay-"Mr. President, said a member Of
school committee, 81 rise to get up, and
am not back ward in coming forward in the
cause Of edicatign. Had it not been for
edication should have been as ignorant
as yourself, Mr.. President"
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16

asa- boy! did you let off that gan?" eg
claimed an enraged schoolmaster.
"les, MASTER
well, what y yeatli yea tlAiink I.yilll DO Il
you?"
why, iet me o9.'
Sioux City register. [volume] (Sioux City, Iowa) 1858-1871, 1858-12-16
PROSPECTUS OF
The United .Stutes DIRECTORY.

YIIE undersigned propose issuing book
i under the above title. 70 contain about
FIFTEEN HUNDRED PAGES!
Freeman's champion., 1858-05-27
A Soft Place.

~ was down to see the widow,
yesterday" (" SShl inns uncle, land
she gave nc baGkovnes for dinner.
/ went down rather early in the morn
ing. We talked snd laughed, and
chatted and run on, sAe going out and
in aSionally to see things, till din
ner was ready, when ahe helped me
graciouSly to backbones. Now ltook
it as a symptom Of personal approba-
tion, because everybody knows | like
backbones, and / hattersd myself she
had cooked them on purpose for me.
So I grew particularly cheerful, and
l thought I could see it in her too.
So after dinner, while sitting close
beside the widow, I fancied we both
felt sorter comfortable LIKE know
l did. felt that / had fallen over
head and ears and heart in love with
her, and imagined, from the way
she looked, she had fallen teeth and
toe-nails in love with me. She ap-
peared just for all the world like she
thought it was a coming, that / was
going to. court her. Presently !
couldn't help it; / laid my hand softly
on her beautiful shoulder, and l re-
marked, when l had placed it there,
in my blandeSt tone, Tim, for | tried
to throw my soul in the expression
l remarked, then, with my eyes pour
ing love, truth and fidelity right into
her, Widow, this is sthe nicSst, soft
est place I ever had my hand on in
all my life.' Looking benevolGntly
at me, and at the same time flushing
up a little, she said in melting and
winning tones, Doctor, give me your
hand. and I'll put in much softer
place In q moment Of rapture, l
consented, and taking my hand she
gently, very gently, Tim, laid it on
my head-and burst into laugh
that's ringing in my ears yet. Now,
Tim, l havn't told this to a living
soul but you, and by jinks you
mustn't but | couldn't hold it any
longer, so l tell you; but mind, it
mustn't go any further"