Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1858-07-03
A Short Patent Sermon.
BY DOW JR.


Seek good wife of thy God; for she is
the best gift OF His providence.
My HEARERS No rational man ever
vet had soft shell doubt crawl into his
mind that good wife is good thing
article, ulensil or institution
This being conceded, We arrive at a
starting point. Our text says,my unwed.
ded he-6retheren, you must seek a good
the best gift of Gods provIdence--oi
the great disposer Of human events and
manageable women. That's so. By
looking 10 such source you are sure 10
get one Of the right stamp, containing
the pure metallic rlng--not one composed
of counterfeit virtues, or made up ot zinc
and pewter prelensons. And what is
more, it isn't gong 10 cost you anything
neither at the beginning nor al The end
except a new suit of clothes, plain gold
ring, and ten dollar gold piece for the
psrson-which is my standard prise, and
i'm have no more and never take a cent
less.
The Devil, my beloved bachelors, al
ways has great deal Of feminine truck IN
The market. for which YOU have TO pay
pretty roundly or lei il alone. Generally
speaking, TO get one ofhis so.t YOU
mus! show.a plethoric purse in the be-
giuing, and give it a good sS eat al the
slart-snd this, brelhern. is the literal
meaning oflhal Greek quotation "ihe dey'
lis 10 pay" Afterwards your purse will
probably sweat itself into the gaIIoPIng
consumption, and disolve and disappear,
.ilke the bsseless fabric Of a vision" or a
pound Of salts IN quart OF warm waller.
Then dark cloud will lower upon your
shanty; love, if it ever gained residence
in your hearts, will suddenly emigrate
from such an arctic region--wanI and
wretchedness will stare you in the coun-
tenance like couple Of catOwIs watch
ing gopher By mooulighi--and, unless
relieved by a divorce, the Devil gels
pair of you in the end.
My friends every man, be he good or
bad, should have wife. If he be good
she will make him still better member
of society; if bad, but not wholly beyond
redemption. good wife will put anew
surface upon him in six weeks; and al the
end Of SINGLE year he will have undergone
such a thorough renovation that he won
know himself from the seventh command
men,. II thou art given 10 irellng, anu
don know what TO fret about, II Is well
10 provide thysel( with home, and furnish
il with good wife and few liItle white
headed etCeferaS--lh verify thou cansi
fret to Thy souls content, and the good
wife will probably heed not but let II Tu"
itself out as it most assuTedly will, IN
tin e. Thou shal, fret.
lSt. Because. the fashions change with
every moon, and il takes TOO much change
TO keep wife rigged according 10 GuHter.
Cd. Because red flannel Peticoai,eVen
10 think about, is worse than the seven
year itch.
Sd. Because the hoops TO the vinegar
barrel are always aying of.and wife wants
coopering once in every two months.
4th. Because the coffee is too delicate
and butter 100 robust; eggs interesting
geological specimens; meat not cooked
half cooked TO cindeI potatoes
soggy; turnips pilhy; pie crust hammered
ou! at the blscksmilh's, and the "shori-
ening" omitted on account OF its extreme
length.
5th. Because The chiIdren's faces are so
dirty they will never be able TO speak
English.
9Th. Because there is nothing in lis
place, but The cat in the milk pitcher and
he evening newspaper in The sloP pail.
But. as before said, Thy lretlng will
run itself on, in time, il not meddled with;
and thou shalt afterwards become worthy
Of The good wife. who has not only borne
il all without murmur, like duck in
hail storm bot with a. thousand apologies,
parnished with The sweetest smiles,prom-
sing an extra endeayor 10 suit you Tor the
future. f.. .. 1ut
Worthy bachelors, seek a good vile Of
your God, and you will find il an easy
matter 10 scare up one. What ] mean by
a good vile. is. one plump as partridge,
about Two thirds full ,of common sense.
and the other third filled with trimmings
tor The same; one moderately addicted TO
crinoiine, 1ounces, and tight lacing--
whose heart is magnet that shall draw
yOn to her side. and induce you 10 spend
The major part of your evening IN her
sweet society; one whose inbereBt charms
are such ss in all your wanderings VIII
ever lead you 10 exclarn :a6"1here is no
place ike home f'--.one who will keep
buttons upon your shirt, and put polish
on your manners; one who can make o.
good po,-pie. as well as play upoa 81
piano. and above al, one " no kn9.. row e'
10 prepare sIufi g ior lnrkeEn Ch,;a. a.
mas. l"koler on that 5,, heware. o.