The North-Carolinian. [volume] (Fayetteville [N.C.]) 1839-1861, 1858-09-04
IF I were a Man. "
BY A LADY.

IF were a Man"
Don't wish l were a man! Wouldn't set
the beaver-hatted population example of
brilliant perfection. Wouldn't l make myself
generally agreeable to all the ladies' and talk
to them as if they had souls above bonnets?
What n glorious man l should make
l wouldn't stand the hotel steps and puff
clouds of villianous tobacco smoke in the eyes !,
Of all the pretty girls that go past nor spit on
the pavement to spoil their little shoes and
ipjure their tempers.
| l wouldn't set my huge heels down on the
| trains of their sken dresses, to tear 'em half !
off, and thnk-rm not quite sure, but
think I'd knock Gown the first brate who dared |
to complain of the circumference of their
garments.
| And when they come in the omnibus, !
l wouldn't stick my nose into newspaper, or
look abstractly out of the window, get up
grnmbling, always the way with women!'
Not bit of it! I'd spring up like patent
India rubber ball and if the old bachelor on
the right hand side, and the spruce clerk Oh the
left hand side didn't compress themselves into
the smallest possible space. to make room for
the crinolines I would know the reason why.
And them when / get married for to whit
end was l created, if not to pay the miliiners
bills of some blessed little bit of wonlankind)
! wouldn't make model husband! Do you
suppose should bother her sweet life out other,
by grumbling because paltry button had
dropped off a shirt collar, or string off a
! dicky? Do you think I'd explode like
camphene lamp every time found a rip in my
!, gloves? I'd like to see myself STOPPING to any
t such littleness.
wnnld,t consult the alamanc every time she
u bought new bonnet. to see just how many
q weeks she had worn the old one and wouldn't
snarl like cross tiger cat whenever the coffee
II happened to be cold or the brea kfast raw, just
e as if I wanted her to abase herself in dust and
H. I,,,r, hor before
the kitchen fire, while I sat with my heel upon
the table, reading the paper the next room
n / wouldn't use profane language when she
asked me to button up her sweet little gaite'
boots or fasten her gloves or even to carry
W ber parcels down Broadway, on rainy day
1t which last consider to be an infallible test o
III patience and meekness.
I wouldn't gorge myself with vine, ant
~ oysters and cigars at a fashionable down tow
er restaurant, while my wife dined at home o
l cold mutton, and then look black a,
ovcrcharged thunder cloud when the grocer
1T "little bill' came in; wouldn't expend sma
ne fortune in diamond shirtstands, extravagal
ut broad cloth, and fancy canes, and then mute
NJ about "hard times" when she ventured to as
st- ME for half doller to buy check for the baby
nd nd aprons' .,;n, r., po s,,nu;nx r;,,ho
'ss too when she limited to that effect instead
zee inventing excuses about Smith. Brown, or Il
~ club--aye, and pay her bills too, witho'
IN screwing up my mouth if had the Gran
ny in my face! And if she looked into a sht
up window and admired thirty dollar collar, l
rim walk in and buy it for her instead of feignil
nd to be absorbed in the signs opposite, and ''fo
au- getting to hear" what she said.
The When came home at night. I wou'dl
mt make bear of myself, behind the evening pap
and a, swer savagely, when she tmidly ask
re, what was reading. women can't understa
ing politics." No, indeed! ] would read her
lud the anecdotes, play with the children, pull t
up pnssy's ears, and tell her how becoming h
rth uew silk was That's the way to keen I
srs. women good natured, take my word for it; al
IA what pretticr sight is there in all the wor
but than a good bumored woman? Mind l do,
i'll ask the ncorrigible old bachelors; first becau
ow- it isn't any of their business second, becau
'wn they're not Judges of the article. But put t
pe question to any sensible fellow between the &c
? Of eighteen AID twenty-eight, and see what he
cry say.
out I'd make point of always asking my wifi
last advice before I went to vote and doing i
put as she said about it---then I'd he to
her, always right And if any bachelor friend
eal- mine had the ;mpuden. . t. ask me n Q. S
ont supper without including my wife III
old invitation, do you suppose I'D go! ASK
eed; mother-in-law about that.
ono- l wouldn't go to evening parties and
jun desperately with other ladies, and talk ab
the 'smy poor dear wife whose i'll health preclnt
fin, her enjoyment of society,"" when l knew
Rice well that she was sitting at home alone "
: to the cat, and crying her eyes out over one OF
ragged old coats.
in Good gracousl what wide held for
asses provement there is among the benighted sons
NJ to Adam! 1t puts me compile tely out OF bre
and to think of half the reforms I'd make Oh
go: | we're only u mani w 0ma0ms Adr0cate.
way -~'~e''.-
hv