The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-08-28
ETHAN sPrxHY rIRr ICE CREAM.

YEAR, In ADVANCE.
ETHAN SPIKES YIRr ICE CREAM.
| portland Is the all -fredest place ever
seed. was down there in '33, TO SEQ . lit
tie about my goin' to the Legislator, and
such time as l had, you never hcrn'd tell
on. Did ever tell you of the ice cream
scrape we had3' s.. a..
We answered in the negative, and bs re-
sumed- .. =. 49, 49,.
sWaA, Pd been down thar two or thrss
days, pokia' in every hole, and tho't pd seed
everything thar was to be seen. But one
day, towards sun down, was go.n' By
shop in Middle street that looked wonder
full slick-thar was all manner Of candy an
what nots at the winders. An then thar
war signs with gold letters ON to Fem hang
i,' round the door, tellin' how they cold
soda, mead, an ice cream thar. says to
myself, have heern good deal about this
'ere ice cream, an now il don't see whas
they's made Of. So puts my hands into
my pockets, an walked in kinder csreless,
an says to a chap stsndin' at the counter
sDo you keeps ice creams here?' s
sYes, SIR says show much'll have?
considered a mint, says l. ..
"A pint, SIR
The young feller's face swelled out, and
he like to have laughed right OUT bat artss
a while he asked: e., za.e.s elsy ff-
Did you say pint, STRIP ~
sSartin,' says l, but p'raps you don't re-
tail so, don't mind takin' quart.
Wall, don't you think that the fellsr
snorted right out. Tell yer what, it made
me feel sort a pison, an gave him q look
that made him look sober in about mint;
an when clinched my fist an looked 90 at
him, (here Mr.. Spike favored us with most
diabollcal expression,) he hauled in his
horns about the quickest, an handed me
pint of the stuff as perlite as could be. Wall.
| tasted mouthful of it, and found it cool
as the north side of Bethel in January. I'd
half mind to spit it out, but Jest then L
seed the confectioner chap agrinnin' behind
the door, which rig my spunk. Gall smash
it all, thinks /, Pll not let that white-livered
monkey think Pm afeard-lll eat the
plaguey stuff if it freezes my innards. pll
tell ye what, Id rather skinned bear, OF
whipped wild cat, but went it. est
the whole in about mint.
Wall, in about quarter Of an hour I be-
gan to feel kinder gripy about here, land
Ethan pointed to the lower part Of his stom-
ach,) an kept on feelin' no better very fast,
till At last it seemed as though Pd got .
steam engen sawin' shingles in me. l sot
down on Q cheer, and bent myself up like .
nut cracker, thinkin' I'd grin an Fear it;
but couldn't set still; twisted and squirm-
ed about like an angle worm on hook, till
at last the chap as gin me the cream, who
had been lookin' on sniekerin' says to me
'Mister,' says he, what ails yer?'
sAils me!' says l, that ere stuff of youru
is freesin up my daylights,' says /.
You cot too much says he. ..s-. &C.
Il tell you didn'tp screamed /; Il know
what's nuf an what's too much without
askin' you, an if you don't leave of snick-
erin III spile yer face.'
He cottened right down, and said he did
not mean any hurt, and asked me if badn's
better take some gin. told him l would.
So took pretty good horn, an left the
shop.
Arter got out, fet better for minute
or so, but hadn't gone fur afore the gripes
took me agin; SO l went into another shop
and took some more gin; then sot down on
the State House steps, and there sot and
sot, but l didn't feel a mite better. ! be.
gun to think was goin' to kick the bucket,
and then thought Of father and mother,
and Of old Spanker-that's fathers hoss---
and when thought should never sec them
again, ! fairly blubbered. But then look
ed up, and see dozen boys GRIMM md
larfn at me, tell you what 1t riz my dam
d.r-that had got down below nero-right
up again, sprung at 'em like wild cat,
hollerin' out, I'd shake their tarnal giszards
out, and the way the little devils scampered
was a caution to nobody. But after the
'citement of the race was over, felt wus
agin, and l couldn't help groanin' and
schreechin' as went along.
At last tho't I'd 60 to the theatre; but
afore got there the gripes got so strong
that had to 60 behind q. meetin' house and
up and went into shop and eat half dol
cowcumbers, and wound up with glass Of
brandy.
Then went into the theatre and seed the
'em, for don't think the listers and cow
cumbers done me any good. / sot down.
laid down, and stood up, but still it went
on, grippe, grippe. groaned all the time,
snd once in . while was obliged to screech
kinder easy. Everybody stared Mt me, and
somebody called out, 'turn him out,' once
or twice. But at last, Just rs the niger
Orthello was going to put the piller on his
wife's face to smother her, there come such
twinge through me, that l really tho't
was burstin' up, and yelled out-'Oh dear!
Oh Scissorsi' so loud that the old theatre
rung agin. Such row you never seed; the
pigger dropped the piller, Deutersnomy-
or what you call there-his wife jumped of
the bed and run, while everybody in the
theatre was all up in muss; some lar6n,
some swearin'. The upshot of it was, the
perlice carried mo out Of the theatre, and
told me to make myself scarce. -
Wall. as didn't feel any better, went
into shop close by, and called for two
glasses of brandy; arter swolerin it, went
hum to the tavern, and sot down BY the
winder, and tried to think felt better, but
twas no 90; that blessed old ingine was
still wallerin' away inside; and 90 l went out
and eat u quarters wuth of listers, and .
piece Of mince pie. Then I went back and
told the tavern keeper felt kinder sick, and
thought I'd take some castor lie, a mouthful
of cold meat, a strong glass of whisky punch
and then 60 to bed. He got the fxins,
which took and went to bed. --
But, tell yer what, had rather poor
night. Sometimes l awake groanin' and
when was asleep, I'd better bin awake, for
! had such powerful dreams. Sometimes ]
thought was skinnin' q bear, and then BY
some bocuspocus 'twould all change tother
side to, and the tarnal critter would be skin
| nin' me. S'->
Then, again I'd dream that I vas rollin'
logs with the boys, and jest as I'D be shout
in out, now then! here she goes!'--eyery-
I thing would get reversed agin--1 was q log,
and the boys were pryin me up With their
handspikes. Then Pd wake up an screeoh
an roar--then off to sleep agin-to drsan
that Spanker run away with me, or that
father was whoopin' me, or some other
plaguey thing till mornin'. 81" y
When got up, hadn't any appetite for
breakfast, and the tavern keeper told me,
that if l,was going to carry on screamin
and groaning. as had the night nfore, my
room was better than my company.
81 hain't,' said Mr.. Spike, in conclusion,
q hain't bin TO Portland since, but if L lisa