Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-09-08

Fact, Fancy and Fun.

Can You return my love, dearest
yulla:" ''Certainly, sir, l don't want it,
I'm sure"
The young woman who WIS driven
to distraction, now fears She will have
to walk back.
The fire that ''went out" wa,
brought back lately, after some struo-
Cling by sturdy boy.
An Irish society has announced
that its usual March meeting will be
held this year in April.
The four great evils of life are said
to be standing collars, stove-pipe hats,
tight boots and tobacco.
Lost.-A Lawyers Conscience. As
it was a small article, and hard to find.
a large reward is offered.
:, Why is the heart of playful boy
like the United States? Because it is
IN a-merry-cus, (America.)
"A woman in Indiana was latelv
granted divorce on the complaint that
her husband always ''laid with bis back
to her."
On young child being told that
he must be broken Of habit, he re-
piled, Papa, 1 had better be MESDED,
hadn't I?'
Some hbelous fellow saws that a
woman's heart is the sweetest thing in
the world, in fact perfect honey comb
full Of SELLS.
A good country minister prayed
fervcntly for those of his congregation
who were too proud to kneel and too
lazy to stand.
-''Nhat was the use the eclipse?"
asked young lady.
80, it gave the sun time for reiiec-
ton, replied a wag.
Married in Michigan, Mr.. Henry
Bills to Miss Mary Small. We hope
the issuing Of SMALL BILLS is not pro-
hibited III the State.
"A Christianity which will not help
those who are struggling from the bot
tom to the top OF society, needs anoth-
er ChflSt to die Tor 1t.
A helping hand to one in trouble,
is often like switch on railroad
track-but one inch between wreck
and smooth rolling prosperity.
-Dabster reduces everything to
mathematics. lie got married because
kissing saved 40 per. cent on his sugar
tax. Old bachelors viii please take no.
tlce.
An old topper advised young
friend to get nlarried-because then,
my hoy, you'll have somebody to pull
eff your boots when you come home
drunk!
Ladies do not know whether they
like smoking or not, With special IA
vorites, they like it; with general favor
ties, they don't dislike it; and with no
tavorites, they detest it.
-"Thanks E" said an old bachelor,
mo more women in heayer-they can't
get in-theiy hoops are so broad they
viii have to 60 the broad road-can't
get through the narrow gate"
did You say that my brother jim
did not know rs much as Smiths yell
low dog?"
No, I said Smiths yellow dog
knew moro than your brother Jim!''
Il would do anything to crafty.
you; Iwould go to the end of the world
to please you," said fervent lover to
the object Of his affections. "Well,
sir, go there, and stay, and l shall be
pleased"
"A gentleman having been asked,
on bis return from party. if he had
seen anything OF Miss B, replied
that he had seen good deal Of her,"
The lady was in the habit Of wearing
low-necked dresses.
1t is better to hug a pretty girl than
bare iIlusion-Eccha1sges
Yes, and it is better to hug a bare
gal than a pretty Illusion, as the gal
would hug back, and the illusion would
not.-Horicoaa Ar;gus. ..--
-"Why, dear me, Mr.. Longshallow,"
sad good lady, 'hoW can you drink
a quart Of that hard cider at single
draught:" AS soon as the man could
breathe again, he replied, Il beg par
don, madam, but upon my soul, it was
SO hard couldn't bite it off,
Columbus, Kentucky, is a hard
place. An old farmer, who had been
badly s",indled there, said Of il: s'If
the angel Gabriel happens to light at
Columbus, therell be no resurrection,
for they'll swlndle him out of his trunl,
pet before he can make single toot!'
-"Pompey, what am it dat goes
when de wagon goes and stops when
de wagon stops. 1t am no use to de
wagon but de wagon can't go wild out
it::'5
Il gubs dat up, Clem, does-what
an it,"
"Why, de noise, OBJ course"
The Duke de Roqulaure was one
day told that two ladies of the court
had qnarrelled, and very much abused