Monmouth weekly herald. [volume] (Freehold, N.J.) 1854-1860, 1858-12-02
"II Were a Man.

Don't | wish that I were a man
Wouldn't set the beaver hated popuIa
ton an example Of brilliant perfection
Wouldn't | make myself generally agree
able to all the ladies, and talk to EN- a;
if they had souls above bonnets Whai
a glorious man | should make!
wouldn't stand on the hotel steps and
puff clouds Of villainous tobacco smoke
into the eyes of all the pretty girls that
go past, nor spit on the pavements to
spoil their little shoes and iniure their
tempers.
wouldn't set my huge heels down on
the trains of their silken dresses, to tear
EN- half off ; and l think-Tm not quite
sure, bat | think-I'd knock down the
first brute who dared complain of the cir
conference of their garments
And when they came into the car or
omnibus, | wouldn't stick my nose into a
newspaper, or look abstractedly out OF
the window, 0 get up grumbling, ~Al
ways the way with women" Not a bit
OF 1t! IL spring up like a patent India
rubber ball, and if the old bachelors on
the left hand side didn't compress them.
selves into the smallest possible space, to
make room for the crinolines, I'd know
the reason why
And then, when ! got married, (for to
what end was created, if not to paw the
mllliner's bills Of some blessed little BIZ
OF ~womaAkind wouldn't / make a model
husband Do you suppose | should both
er Der sweet life u OF her, by grumbline
because a paltry button had dropped OF
a shirt collar, or a string off a dickey {
Do you think I'd explode ike a camphene
lamp every time found a rip in ny
gloves? I'd like to seq myself STOPPING
to any such ~littleness, :
| wouldn't consult the almanac every
sine she bought a new bonnet, to see last
how many weeks she had worn the las
one /; and l wouldn't snarl like a cross
tiger-cat whenever the coffee happened TIC
be cold or the beef steak raw, Just as if
wanted her to abase herself in dust and
ashes. and burn up her rosy little face be
fore the Kitchen fire, waile l sat with my
heels on the table, reading the paper in
the next room. | wouldn't use profane
language when she asked me to button
up her sweet little gaitsr boots, or fasten
her gloves, or even to carry her parcels
down Broadway, on a rainy day--which
| consider to be an inial.ible test of pa,
tience and meekness.
| wouldn't gorge myself with wine, and
oysters, and cigars at q fashionable down
town restaurant, while my wife dined at
home on cold mutton, and then look as
black as an overcharged thunder-cloud
when the grocer's little billp came in (:
| wouldn't expend a small fortune in dia.
mond shirtstuds, ~extrayagant broadcloth
and fancy canes, and then mutter about
$ hard times" when she %ventured to ask
me for half a dollar to buy check for the
baby's aprons!
And l rather think I'd go shopping
with her too, when she limited to that eff
feet, instead of inventing excuses about
Smith, Brown, or the club-aye, and pay
her bills, too, without sorewing up nv
mouth as if | had the cramp in my face
And if she looked into a shop window
and admired a thirty dollar collar, I'd
walk straight in and buy it for her, in.
stead Of feigning to be absorbed in the
signs opposite, and =" forgetting to hear"
what she said.
When | came home at night, l wouldn't
make a bear Of myself, behind the eve
ming paper, and answer sayagely, when
she timidly asked what | was reading,
g oomen can't understand ~polotics |" No,
indeed !! | would read her all the anec,
dotes, play with the children, pull the
pussy's ears, and tell her how becomiAg
her new silk was. That's the way to
keep the women good natured, take my
word for it and what prettier sight is
there in all the world than a good ma.
tured woman !? Mind, l don't ask the
incorrigible old bachelors +; first, because
it isn't any OF their business, and second,
because they're not judges OF the article.
But put the question to any sensible Eel.
low between the ages of eighteen and
twenty-elght, and see what he IL say
I'd make a point of always asking my
wife's advice before | went to vote, and
doing just as she said about it-then I'd
be sure to be always right. And if any
bachelor friend OF mine had the impu.
dence to asN me to an oyster supper,
without including my vile IN the invita-
ton, do you suppose I'd go. Ask nay
mother-in-laW about that.
wouldn't go TO evening parties, and
hlrt desperately with other ladies. ana
talk about : my poor, dear wife, whose
Ill health precluaed her enjoyment of so.
clety," when | knew very we'll that she
was sitting at home alone with the cat
and crying her eyes out over n Of LAY
ragged old coats.
Good gracious what a wide field for
Improvement there Is abong the benight,
ed sons Of Adam ! 1t puts ME completely
oct OF breath to think of half the reforms
I'd make. Oh if | were only a mani
Woman's .Aduocdte.
SLEEP.-Death's younger brother, anc
on f1ka HIM fnat 1900