Saint Paul weekly Minnesotian., 1858-12-04


we would help our friend along, but would suggest
| topographic daguereotype of the party OF the
second part to the matrimonial agreement, for New
York ladies, from their superior knowledge IN uni
versal marketing, never buy "pig in poke"
Wentworth is a model man, be his age, height
or color, it may, and his requirements smack of
a commercial leaning, which almOstreduces matri-
mony to state of trade. He wants to marry
lady-and what sort of article does he require
She must be per invoice young-that is easy; all
ladies' young until they are married; healthy,
vaccinated, and had the measles, we presume he
intends; intelligent-the fact of listening to his
Overtures settles that point well educated-that
will warrant if she has been brought up in this
village; and .virtuous-that's private and per-
sOnal nature touching the LADY, individual at
fair.
shun the Post Office; if he does not. he will be sold
as too many of his predecessors have been, fnan-
cially and mentally. Advertising for wife is a
"played out" game in this locality, and any ass
seeking to revive it must bear the burden OF his
folly in being made the bait for practical jokes of
both genders. Will Wentworth take the'hintg
"BE NOT CAREFUL TO ENTERTAIN STRANGERS"
My Dear Omnibus: Had known of your
existence-your liberal policy towards the ad-
vertising public-and above all, of your esprit
of philanthropy which ever prompts commits
Grafton for fellow creature struggling under
adversities," should, of course, have patron
lied you instead of tempting respectable
" city newspaper for few bits of root of all
evil to compromise it's native modesty by Her.
aiding the last desperate resolve ofa " "forlorn
bachelor" to the marriageable ladies of all
christendom, as we'll as to those of Gotham
and the "region round about"
My gratitude for a gratuitous insertion OF
my advertisement in your chaste columns,
knows no bounds; nor am ignorant of my in
ability to reward your generous elucidation Of
all the obscure and obnoxious words therein
contained, according to the latest and most ap-
proved Gothamic acceptation, by which Web
ster and his bogus Dictionary are most ig-
nobly drummed out of the ranks of Omnibus
litesature, and the vital requirements of the
universal institution of matrimony, and even
the means by which matrimony should be ac-
complished, are denied the right of appeal
from your whelbarrow majesty.
do not wish to merit the accusation of be-
ing difficult to please; neither would be guilty
of riding free horse to death but if you
should honor my advertisement with another
insertion, there is one collateral or negative
qualification respecting the "young, healthy,
intelligent, well educated and virtuous lady"
whom would marry, which l forgot to men
ton in the Herald, viz: she must not neces-
sarily be like myself, distinguished for having
a free ride in the Broadacay Omnibus.
Now, having the ceremony ofintroduction so
successfully began, you might dispense with
the boyish diffidence and embarrassment
which characterized your first attempt, by in
dulging in more significant terms, and assum-
ing more familiar style. Yes-do honor to
your profession by mastery application OF
smoothly words-wade out into thenasty deep
of neutrality-suspicious. the unexplored re-
gions of blackguardism- pack me in wet blan-
kets, if you will, till your hearts content. 1t
may be the "making OF the pup" do anything
pursue me with hot pudding sticks and po-
tatoe pop-guns-pelt me with rotten eggs
shoot me with poisoned arrows-administer
delicious tar and friendly feathers-honor me
with respectable locomotion on crooked rail,
and shingle- bolt me down the majestic Missis-
sippi-but don't leave me less than half intro
duced to the marriageable ladies of Gotham.
Dearly beloved; if you could employ some
amiable young lady of your village Cor gentle
man disguised as such) to consult with me up
on the subject of matrimony, and enrich your
columns with our amorous sentiments, it
would not only be consummation most de-
voutly to be wished" by your bachelor friend,
but it would vigorously and permanently " re-
vive " the played out game Of advertising for
a wife in Gotham, and elevate and establish
the science of matrimony upon the solid foun-
dation which gives responsibility and charac-
ter to the operations of trade and commerce.
Besides, it would give your old carry-all such
an impetus as would soon render it the favor
lite vehicle of impassoned thought for all the
world and large majority of the inhabitants
of Gotham.
Dear horse boat; while W Wentworth regards
your "advise" with all the charity to which
your own humiliating experience is entitled,
he will not be disheartened in the legitimate
and honorable prosecution of the laudable en-
| terprize which be has so bravely undertaken
and if he is thereby sold, as too many of his
predecessors have been," q pity you, poor
fellow y financially and mentally, you will be
exhonorated of all blame, having used your
| best efforts to pull him out of a ruinous Post
Office, and he will be comforted by the consol-
| ing reflection that somebody has made bar
| gain. But if Wentworth should "bear the
burden of his folly in being made the bait for
practical jokes of both genders," and be dsas-
| triously thrown from his sanguine calculations
do, | implorc you, dear. buggy, stand from
UNDER and avoid such misfortune as befell the
bear of Hudibras, when
"The friendly rug preserved the ground
And head-lOng knight from bruise or wound
| Like feather bed betwixt wall
And heavy brunt of cannon ball"
Concerning "the hint"-my four wheeled
friend, let me inform you that omnibus money
is not bankable in St. Paul; consequently
your long-eared customer could not be pre-
vailed upon to take it otherwise than at the
ruinous discount to yourself of "certain
number" Of kicks per hint and even at that
he don't banker after it.
In conclusion: to those "forlorn bachelors" {"
who are still halting between two opinions
still faithlessly enquiring "Can there any
good come out of Nazereth, or advertising for
wife even in Gotham my cheering answer
is "come and see''
Yours, Mr.. Omnibus, per force,
HIRAM WENTWORTH.
ST. PAUL, Nov. 20, 1853.
cw The Captain Of the French ship which
rescued the passengers from the burning ship