Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1858-09-17
humorous Selections.
HOW HE CARRIED TILE sol

lating the incest shade OF truth, might de-
scribe him as a rcyy small man. lie stands
scarcely five feet in height, and is proportion
ately diminutivc in circumstances. But men
tally what a difference He is one OF the
most self-complacent mon in existence. lie
concciyes himself intellectually, giant lie
throws his little form into all possible passes
Of dignity. in order TO give shape and consis-
tence to his own consciousness Of personal
importance lie knits his brows, and looks
as trnculent as Hercules in order to convey
to others full conception Of his individual
consequence.
Tompkins Of course married a very large
woman Mrs. 7 is at least a foot taller than
her august husband. She is rotund, jolly,
plump, adiposc and the very picture Of good
humor Her face is always robcd in smile
and, notwithstanding her size, she is exceed
ingly tmid, modest, self-sacufcing, unobtru-
sivc. She covers beneath the awful glance
of her tiny spouse. Her morricst laugh
shryels up to whimpor beneath his digni-
fed frown.
Tompkins is Jealous Of his wife; not that
he has any substantial reason, for she is the
most correct little mean big-womau in
the world. But his selfish nature, and his
tremendous estimation Of himself, teach his
blood to boil at the bear idea of any other
male human being daring to revcl in a smile
that he conceiyes should be his own private
property. Mrs. Tompkins. to do her Justice.
seldom docs smile when her "lord and mas
ter is in the vicinity. She tremblos too
much to indulge in such luxury. She stands
in awe of the irritable little controller of her
earthly destiny.
] How Mrs. Tompkins ever CHANGED to marry
/ such an individual is a mystery to some
/ Others say he determined TO have her to in
crease his own consequence Man and wife
being one IN law, their mingled proportions,
he argued, gave him bulk, height and breadth
Just what he lacked So he called on her
one day, said he loved her dearly, and threat
cntcd her with dire and unrcmitting vengeance
if she refused his hand The poor woman
welded him to get rid of her fright.
Tomphins and | got up quite a party to
visit the Crystal Palace one evening, when it
was yet in the zenith of its glory. Tompkins
could not leave his place of business until
dark so il was arranged that the remainder
of MS should &c earlier and await his coming
/ We engaged to meet him at six o clock, either
/ up in the picture gallery, or down under the
/ dome, beside the great fountain. ] really
forgot which was the meeting place, and this
forgetfuness, it will be seem led to mischief
We went at five. We wandered all about
the building We examined all the curosi-
ties. We finally assembled the picture gal
lery, and there in the crowd Mrs. Tomkins
and got separated from the rest Of the party.
For an hour OF more we walked in the gal
lery, till got quite weary, and so was she,
but no Tompkins was visible At length |
proposed that she and l should 90 down to
the main floor, and witness a curious optical
effect had observed some time before. of the
French light ] had noticed that, 10y stand
ing on the fou.t step Of the left-hand aisle
and looking thence, for a moment, steadily a
the artificial light in question, everything you
gazed at for several minutes afterwards, APP
peared to be currogated into wrinkles
Mrs. Tompkins thought that this would o,
delightful, and she laughed out ioyously a
the idea of making everybody wrinkled in tn,
Crystal Palace, the young well as the old
Away we went-shc and chatting aloud il
the iveliest, happiest manner imaginable
Just as we reached the floor, and got to tn
door, beside the fountain, there stood Temp
kins himself
He simply said, we stopped short beior
him 81 have waited here, by your appoint
ment, for two hours y
His voice was hoarse with suppressed emo
ton. His face was palld with anger. II
glanced first at me and then at his wife, as
he would transfx us both with the lightning
of his Indignation. Poor Mrs. f. . though
she would have swooned away Had / no
been thunderstruck at the unexpected meet
ing, | should have haw-hawcd right out, an,
most immodcrately. As it was, his look an
manner surprised md; did not know wha
to think of them.
-. L
and solfovident and had Mrs. T. been
guilty creature, she could not have manifested
more apprehension and more rcmorse. Tha
we were both perfectly innocent of even al
improper thought, knew and yet it wa
awkward to be met by jealous man, undo
circumstances SO embarrassing.
But still, it was not jealousy only that al
dcted him at this moment. What was it
jealousy choked his utterancc. Jealous
made his eyes so flash with fiery CLEANS
vengeance. Jealousy had conjured up tha
thunder-coud ON his brow--a cloud which
had he not been a pigmy, might have bee
alarming. But it was not jealousy that mad
him stand in such an awkward position
= was not jealousy that made him forget his pc
of dignity-his assumption, in grandiloquel
attitude, of supercilous superiority. 1t ";
not iealousy--it was clearly something els
beside jealousy that kept him erect-almo.
n motonless, as if made of marble-neithc
turning his head to the right nor to the lie
/ his body only sinking stify within itse
IS as the crowd passed by-shrinking as
d were involuntarily from the touch Of all, ,
t. if the slightest jar would disauauge b
s. limbs, or the faintect shock pulyerze him @
S the spot. What could be the matter wit
l. him;
Of IL have been waiting here two hour
lie by your appointment he hoarsely repeato
But not motion of his head--not a gestu
l. hot step towards us, or from the prec
pc spot he so rigidly occupied did he make.
ne was completely bewildercd by his singul
m conduct Could he have gone insane; {
IN was he only gathering up the necessary qui
he energy TO kill me on the spot, for keeping h
NJ wife in good company till he should arrive
We looked at him again. There he stood,
he If his limbs had been turned suddenly
p stone. His eyes moved his brows contra
u ted; his checks distondod rage discolort
ig his lips, but in all other respects he seem,
ne paralyzed. Had his hat been made of t,
tn of cast iron, and he compelled to endure 4
up weight without hinching, he could not ha