davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
A sKErrH FROM LIFE,

The following picture is taken from the
"Charcoal Skstches'' Of Joseph C. Neal;
and its scene may we'll be supposed to bs
our own uneven streets, upon . cloudy
evening. Itpresents Us the solilospy of .
tall specimen of liquiRed humanity, sbous
to promenade slippery sidewalks, ali unlight-
ed, because there was a noon which the
corporation knew shoud have shown, bus
being very cloudy, pedestrians were under
the necessity Of supposing the moonshine:
"Fve not the slightest doubt that this il
as beautiful night as ever was; only ito 90
dark you can't see the pattern of il. One
night is pretty much like another night in
the dark; but its great advantage to q
good looking evening, if the lamps are lit,
SO you can twig the stars and the moop
shine. The fact is, that in this 'ere CITY,
We do grow the blackest moons, and the
hardest moons to find, l ever did see
Sometimes Pm most disposed to send thu
bellman after 'em-or get a full blooded
pinter to pint 'em out, while hold . can.
die to see which way he pints. 1t wouldn's
be bad notion on such occasions to ash the
man in the steeple which way the moon is.
Lamps Is lamps and moons 10 moons, in q
business pint Of view, but practically they
amt afre. When the luminaries are, 40 /
may say, in the raw, its bad for one. |
can't see the ground as perfectly as little
fellows, and every dark night Pm sure to
get hyst backerds or some other sort of q
hyst-but more backerds than forerds 'spe-
cially in winter. One Of the most uufeel!ne
tricks l know of, is the way some folks
have got Of laughing out, yaw-haw! when
they see q gentleman ketching hyst-.
long gentleman for instance with his LEGS in
the air, and his noddle splat down upon the
cold bricks. A hyss, Of itself, is bad enough
without being sniggered at; first, your
sconce gets crack; then you scramble up.
feeling as if you had no head on your should.
ers, and as If it wasn't you, but some con-
founded disagreeable fellow in your clothes:
yet the jaekanapes all grin, ns # the mis-
fortunes of human natare was onIv n nm
pet show. Wouldn't mind it, if YOU could
get up, and look as if you didn't care. But
man can't rise, after royal hyst, with.
out letting on he feels fat. In such casee.
however, sympathy is all CANNON; and az
for sensiblity Of a vintc,- day, people keep
it all for their own noses, and can't be coax
ed to retail it BY the small.''
Some idea Of the nature of his ehystsv
may be gathered from an incidental descrip-
tion of his extraordinary procerity-
81 can't borrow coats, because don't
like cuffs at the elbow. ! can't borrow
pants, because it isn't the fashion to wear
knee breeches, and all my stockings is socks.
| can't hide when anybody owes me lam
basting. You can see me mile. When
sit by the fire, eah't get near enough to
warm my body, without burning my knees;
and in stage coach there's no room be-
tween the benches, and the way you get the
cramp-don't mention it!'' :. ~
This is very fair description, is it not,
reader?
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
COUNCIL BLUFFS IOWA, SATURDAY JULY II 1858.

Well may Mr.. Broderick say in the Senate
of the United States, with these facts before
him, that the Bastard Monarch, who has so
long usurped authority, is deposed' That
'sCotton is not King" Well and properly
may he eulogize the dignity of labor in re-
ply to the taunts of South Carolina Cot
ton Lord, in relation to the ''mudsills of So
ciety."
The statistics we have quoted, are from
De Bou's Reriep, and We are indebted to
Mr.. Helper of North Carolina, for their
compilation. His book, entitled the elm
pending Crisis of the South" should be read
by every American. 1t is replete with most
startling facts. No one can read it and not
be convinced that GOLD IS KING AND LABOR
HoNoRABLE."
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
AGRICULTURAL CATECHlsE.

What are tiles? A yankee invention for
draining pockets; so called from resem-
blance to the prevailing style of gentleman's
hats.
What is buckwheat? Masculine wheat.
The female is called dough.
What is breaking? A Western phrase
signifying regular smash-up Of prairiedom.
The present pressure has been so heavy as
to break things generally out West.
What are wild oats? A kind of grain
usually sown broadcast by farm boys-good
food for fast horses.
What is cabbage? Aplant popular among
tailors with large families.
How are vegetables best preserved? Place
them in sellers hands, or bury them in
peach pits.
What is garden sass? Cultivated imper-
thence.
What fruit pleases garroters? Choke
pears. They are also familiar with the art
i-choke. ~ ,sr
Why are people with corns like certain
vegetables? Because they are toe-martyrs.
Is there vegetable hen? Yes, the egg
plant.
How can young ladies secure a farm?-
Take ga country gensleman."-Bos. Post.
O. A friend has told US good one on
Lish, the father of Bill English. Bill, at a
heavy outlay, it is presumed, managed to
get his picture in Harper's Magazine, with
a flaming puff of himself, $50 We arc told,
We have not seen it,) and franked cart
load of the issue containing it home to his
father for distribution. The old man pre-
sented COPY to an illiterate, hard.headed
old Democrat, remarking that there was
a picture Of the President. The old fellow
scanned the picture carefully for several
minutes, md then, with his eyes still rivet-
ed upon it. and with an energy of utterance
that showed conclusively that his remarks
were the result of thorough conviction, he
said: 81 don't like that countenance. Mr..
English, a. sure as there's God in heaven,
THAT MAN WILL sTEALG' Ofcourse the hope
full fatherfainted away.-Seymour Times.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

There was only one thing left for Joe to
do-to reveal to her his true position, which
was very happy to corroborate.
Three months afterward, said good. bye
to newly welded pair just starting to Eu-
rope on honey y-moon trip.
As held the tiny, white-gloved hand of
the bride, and saw her charming face be-
meath the gossamer-tissued veil, depending
from her slove of a bonnet said to the
proud and happy bridegroom
'Well, Joe, if you remember our CONVEX
sation on the banks Of the Erehwon, last
summer, you can tell me what you think
now, of the sentiments you then expressed
MY dear George said the Journeyman
Gentleman, 'there are exceptions to all
rules
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
MAIDEN RESOLUTION.

Twill tell you Of fellow,
Z OF . fellow ! have seen,
Who 10, not little verdant,
But is altogether green!
Then his name, 1t isn't charming,
For it's only common Bill,
And he wishes me to wed him,
But hardly think will!
he has told me Of q cottage,
or . cottage 'mong the trees,
And, don't you think the gawky,
Tumbled down upon his knees;
While the tears the creature wasted
Were enough 10 turn . mill;
And he begged me to accept him,
But hardly think will
O, he whispered Of devotion,
or devotion pure and deep;
But cared so little for it,
That nearly fell asleep;
And he thinks it would be pleasant,
As we journey down the hill
To 60 hand in hand together,
But hardly think will!
He was here, last night to see mo,
And he made so long, stay,
began to think the blOckhead
Never meant to go away.
At the nrst learned to hate him,
And I know hate him still,
Yet ne urges me to have him,
But hardly think I will!
am sure wouldn't choose him,
But the very deuce is in it,
For he says II refuse HIM,
That he couId't live minute;
And YOU know the blessed Bibi0
Plainly says we mustn't kihi
So I've thought the matter over,
And rather think Will
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
~ tn0y &C
Like beautiful spirits to and fro. u

GO During the trial of case in the Es-
sex Common Pleas at Newburyport, on Nor.
day, witness who was brought from
Plainstow, N. H., was asked by District
Attorney Abbott, 'sdidn't you boast, when
you lived in Newburyport, that you was the
greatest liar in the city ?" The witness
looked wise for minute or two before he
answered: ooh, Iknow what you mean.
You see went into the room one night and
found a half dozen fellows who seemed to
be telling stories. Says one of them, Here's
-, he'll take the money! 'What money!
| asked. The quarter on tho table, was
the answer. sThe man that tells the biggest
lie takes it, l merely told them that
shouldn't try for it, as never told q lie in
my life, and they gare me the quarter"
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
A VERY GREAT SQUIRT OF WATER.

NEh1 onEAI SVOlnA OE !" al Enc
Tho St. Louis Erening Mems opens the
following crevasse rhetoric on the retiring
waters of the Mississippi:
The crisis in the flood is past. The Mis-
sissippi has attained its highest point, and
now, like giant whose power has been ex-
hibited, and whose ambition is sated, it
begins, with majestic serenity, slowly to re-
cede. The great Aorta Of the Continent,
rolling with mighty murmur along the
three thousand miles of its throbbing course
swollen into thousand aneurisms with
the blood it has drunk from myriad arteries
and veins, with the tribute of crystal tears
ruthlessly exacted from a armament of weep
ing mists-with the laughing water and gilt
tering lakelets of Minnesota-with the Ian
guild ooze of the wild rice fields of the North
with spouting torrents torn with thunder
throes from the groaning wombs Of NOUN
tain clouds-with dews gathering from the
hoary locks of crags and cligs-with streams
that spring with leap Of joy from the depths
of dark gorges-yields its wealth of waters
to the ocean, and ceases to threaten the
hundred cities on its borders with its over
flowing waves. Amid the deluge that the
Mississippi has poured out on so many cities
and towns, st. Louis has stood unscathed.
Like Queen of the food, she sat upon her
throne of rock, unhurt by the waves, which
did nothing more than wash the dust from
the sandals on her feet,
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
JOHN SMITH.

Have We John Smith among US? II so,
let him read the following from the New
York Evening Post, and learn by how many
different methods his omnipresent patronym.
ic is expressed. Here are his various desig.
nations, by which it will be seen that he has
q habitation in all lands:
Latin-Johannes Smithius.
Italian-Giovanni Smith.
Spanish-Juan Smithas. -,r-,. .--.. e.. g
Dutch-Hans Schmidt.
French-Jean Smeets.
Greek-Ion Skmitton.
Russian-lonloff Schmitowski.
Polish-Ivan Schmittiweiski.
Chinese-Tahn Shimmit.
Icelandic-Tahne Smittson.
Welsh-Jiohn Scmikd.
Tuscarora-Ton-T Ia -Smittla.
And if he has ever felt an inclination to
disown his appellation, and become plain
Mr.. Brown, or Jones, then let him read the
following, and We venture to say he will be
ready to throw up his hat and shout ssrire
la SMITH" 1t is a harangue recently deliv.
cred in one of our neighboring cities, by
Smith the razor strop man, who evidently
glories in his title: %a
"Gentlemen, my name is Smith, and an
proud to say that am not ashamed of it. /,
may be that no person in this crowd owns
that very uncommon name. If, however,
there be one such let him hold up his head
pull up his dickey, turn out his toes, take
courage, and thank his stars that there are
few moro left of the same sort.
Gentlemen, am proud of being an origi-
nal Smith-not SMITHE nor a SMYTH-
but regular, natural, original SMITH,
Smith. Putting Y in the middle, or an I
at the end won't do, gentlemen. Who ever
heard OF great man by the name of Smyth
or Smith-e? Echo answers who? and every
body says nobody. But as for Smith, plain
SMITH, Smith, why the pillars of fame are
covered with that time-honored and rcvered
name.
Who were the most racy, witty and popu.
lar authors Of this century? Horace and
Albert Smith.
Who was the most original, pitby and hu.
morous preacher? Rev. Sidney Smith.
To 60 farther back, who was the bravest
and boldest soldier in Sumpter's army, in the
Revolution? A Smith.
Who paavered with Powhattan, galivana.
ted with Pocahontas, and became the ances.
tor of the first families in Virginia? A Smith
again.
And who, l ask-and ask the question
seriously and soberly-who, | say, is that
man, and what is his name, who has fought
tho most battles, made thu most speeches
preached the most sermons, held the most
Offices, sung the most songs, written the mos,
poems, courted the most women, kissed the
most girls, run away with the most wives,
and married the most windows? History
says, you say, and everybody says, John
Smith,
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

ca Some musical publisher or teacher,
once wrot. or said s'that the art of playing
on the vioin required the incest perception,
and the mst delicate sensibility of any art
of the kDwn world A country editor,
commenting on it says: "The art of pub
fishing country newspaper and making 1t
pay, beats the art of fddling higher than n
kite >,
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

c. A fellow who was doubling whether
or not he should volunteer to fight the Mexi-
cans. One of the flags waving before his
eyes bearing the inscription, "Victory or
DEATH" somewhat troubled and discourag-
ed him. ''Victory is very good thing,''
said "but why put 1t victory or death?"-
Just put" said be, "sictory or cripple, and
1'll 90 that!''
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

CYAN English writer says that the Amer
lean lad,s of the present day feel or eff
feet to fell spirit of independence. w
certainly have seen at fashionable parties
many l,dy, who we thought, might yer!
appropriately recite Smollett's fine lines t.
independence:
THY pirit, Independence, let me share,
Lordf the lion heart and eagle eye,
Thy steps follow with my bosom bare
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

GT Ethan Spike of Hornby, says Il do
think that Of all the graccless tiggers of the
may dance, which light fantastica toes is
capable of doin, walsen is the most graceful.
Ter. The hull 6gger-as ! understand it
is both simple and naseral. It's huggin-
that's what it is. Secss Jest make themselves
into verbs actyvs and passyvs they hug and
get hugged.s It's real good and ike it,
though must say thars rather more salts.
faction huggin girl to hum, than right eou,
afore folks.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
CARTER 4 COPYRIGHT,
Successors to Porter l. Carter,)
REAL ESTATE AGENTS

Auction and Commission Merchants
THE SALE OF
Merchandise, Houses, Lots, Lands. &C., Middle
Broadway, Council Bluffs, Iowa.
TONSiGNNENTS SOLICITED FROM HONE AND
~ abroad, and attended with promptness and dis
patch.
RErERro
Hon. Thomas H. Benton Jr, p Snow, G. A. Robin
con, VIM. ii Robinson, Council Bluffs; s Drulard m
oalo, N Y; J u Keeier, Albany, NY. imam
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
~ A newly married coup

Cw A newly married couple from away
down east were one night lying in bed talk
ing over matters and things, heavy thunder
storm arose. The loud peals of thunder and
vivid flashes of lightning filed them with
terror and fearful approximations. Sudden
ly a tremendous crash caused the loving
couple to start as though they had received
arm around his dear, exclaimed-"Hug up
to me, 'Liz, let's die like men,"
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

Cy Notlong since, at one of the morning
prayer meetings, in popular church, a
middle aged gentleman requested the prayers
of the congregation, "as he was about choos-
ing q comDaniop."
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

O. The Memphis Ledger says: "With
the subsidence of the waters on the Arkan-
sas shore, mosquitoes becoming so thick
that the sun sets fifteen minutes too soon
its rays being obscured by the swarm ing
insects, as they were by the clouds Of arrows
ut the battle of Pharsalia.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

c. To reduce the temperature of a din
ing room, bring friend home to tea some
afternoon when your wife wishes to 'fx
early" to 60 to the opera. The GOODNESS
with which yourself and friend will be re-
ceived will give refrigerating tone to the
whole house. This receipt is warranted.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
A HAPPY EDITOR.

Geo. Kendall, one of the proprietors of
the New Orleans Picdyune, owns large es-
tatcs in Texas, writing to friend in Eos
ton, he describes his mode of life, as fol-
lows:
"You may, perhaps, wish to learn the
mode and manner of my life hereaways; let
me enli ghten you. Three days in the week
| ordinarily pass at my rancho here, three
or four miles from New Braumfels, with my
family; two days spend at the Estancia, a
place Of mine, thirty miles west, and where
my sheep are pastured, and the other two
DAYS am on the road. backwards and for
wards, my conveyance an old Jersey wagon,
with two trusty horses. There is one gap
of eight miles on the road without house,
and another of twelve; yet the way is not
lonesome. never pass over it without see-
ing an abundance Of deer, turkeys, ducks,
partridges and the like; carry alongside of
me double barrel gun, Sharpe's rife and
one of Colts revolvers, and some kind OF
game is sure to grace my wagon, both 60.
ing and coming. My sheep now number
some 5000, and finer focks you never set
eyes upon. In May, l hope to be able to
count upwards Of 1000, as my lambs come
in April. | have, besides, fine gang OF
brood mares, besides some forty cows, and
like the elder Mr.. Norval, 'to feed my flock
and increase my store is now 'my constant
care.' Did not once tell you that | had
much rather see my lambs skipping upon the
hills and playing in the valleys than to wit
ness the pirouettes and entrechats Of the
best corps dc ballet that ever existedf II
did not Say as much to you, it is neverthe-
less true. have seen a good deal in my
day, Jim-the world, the elephant, etc-but
but never saw anything which afforded SO
much real enjoyment as my flock, when d.
ing well. And since have been here on
the spot in person, now nearly two years,
have had extraordinary good luck have
not lost two per cent. of my sheep per an
mum, and when tell you that twenty per
c Mt. is the average loss the world over,
you may we'll imagine that my success is re-
markable.
81 never sell eve or anything which
produces. have pasturage for 10000
sheep, and any number of horses and cattle;
and to see all this space covered is now
what am working for. don't bother my
mind moment about Kansas, or Brigham
Young, or politics of any kind-don't care
who is President God and hate the In
dians-try to keep my feet warm and head
cool-and smoke my pipe in peace with all
mankind.
s'Herc, Notwithstanding We occasionally
have a cold and clustering norther, our eli
mate is delicious. am now writing on this
lst January, A. D. 1858, sitting in my shirt
sleeves, summer birds singing in the green
live oaks of my yard. Think of that, all
muffled up as you are, and weep. And then
here among the mountains We have no fe-
vers, no chills, no consumptions, no sick
ness of an kind. There's balm in Texas.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

NT At the late term Of the Federal Court
at. Pontotoc, Miss, the father of Nancy
Williams, of Virginia, young lady about
16 years Of age, obtained a judgment Of
SAC, 900 damages against Robert Wilson OF
the former State, who was and is . married
man, for deccying his daughter away from
homo and seduciBg her. It is said that the
defendant has Transferred his property so
that nothing can be made out Of him. Al.
though at the time he committed tho deed
he was a wealthy man.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

w Mrs. Maltbane, in New Haven, is
troubled with the dyspepsia, and has bad
dreams. One morning at breakfast, she
was complaining sadly, ard described her
sensations to her sympathizing husband.
Il was all the time climbing up, up, up
hill; every little while stopped to rest, and
then up, ur, up. Oh, | was so tired! The
fact is; had real nightmare
'Then why, my DEAR said the affection
ate husband, didn't you get on and ride?'
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
EDWIN J. FRASER.
Real Estate Broker 4 General Ag't

Lower broadway opposite Pacific Mouse,
COUNCIL BLUFFS IOWA.
RonS, SELLS, RENTS, AND EXCHANGES
- al Kinds of Real Estate for distant dealers per-
ms IN 'he City. Loans money, makes collections,
aAes and draws abstracts Of title Gives reliable
.,am, ioa respecting the prices Of Real Estate and
Agency
rge variety Of the most desirable Real Estate for
e d. al times OH the most reasonable terms. nl-u
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
'sThis Is the way long have sought.
And m0uIued because ] found 1t not"

CA poor inebriated printer, the wreck
of an intelligent man, called upon us yester-
day. lie was out Of employment, out at
the elbows and out Of "sortsb generally
the only thing he was In, was liquor. Even
in his besotted condition, he ratified of poet
~ by the yard and in his conversation.
showed that his mind was of no ordinary
stamp. He was draining to the dregs that
cup, which at the last ssbiteth like ser
pent and stingeth like an addcr. .''-Daven-
port Gazette. ..--. s,.-~ -~.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
RECAPITULATION:

Sixteen free States, with q white popula-
ton of l3 ,23S $40, have 80 Senators.
Fifteen slave States, with white popula-
ton of 6,ls6,47 have thirty Senators.
The free States, in the House of Repre-
sentatives, have lA members. ..'t
The slave States have 80 members.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
THOMAS f. PAPIN

Wholesale Dealers in Fancy Goods, In
porters Of Vines, Liquors & Cigars,
81 North Second Street,
St. Louis, Missouri.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
MASTIN w. RIDDEN,

(Successor to Rden Whtc)
Real Essass Broker + Dealer n Land War.
raats aad ErehSaSs,
NEBRASKA CITY n. T. (v2nl-y.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
ID. G. BLOOMER'S
Curtis Brothers,
surveyors ana Land Agents,
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA.
OFFICE NO. 4, PALMER,S BLOCH

MILL PAY PROMPT ATTENTION TO THE lay
w ing out Of Lands, all business connected with
CtSh Ensiueering Drafting, &c, also the Paying Of
IaAes, Buying and Selling Of Real Estate. Locating
Land Warrants, and Making Collections. nS-u
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
A. COCHRAN,
J. ?. CASADT. g ~ Ah'A
CASADY & TEST,
.sffors.vs and CounseIi0rs As Lac, sHS
GENERAL LAND AGENTS,

WILL, PROMPTLY ATTEND TO LAND
w AGENCIES, Collections, Investing Money, Lbeai-
ing and Selling Land Warrants and all other business
nlu.
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
|CLuD

. M.
brook.
J their
knst 70
. .srus
csiU
!, upcs
! Low,
. eHill,
ID l.u
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

O. A lady, at her marriage, requested
the clergyman to give out to be sung by the
choir, the hymn commencing:
The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17

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The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-07-17
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