The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1858-07-23
"If 1 were n Man,

bic to all the ladies, aud talk to 'em a. il
they had souls above bonncts What a
glorious man | should make!
wouldn't stand on the hotel steps and
puff clouds of vilainous tobacco smoke
into the eyes of all the pretty girls that
20 past, nor spit on the pavcmcnts to spoil
their little shoes or iniuro their tempers,
wouldn't set my hugo heels down ON
the trains of their silken dresses, to tear
en- half off; and l think I'm not quite
sure, but | Mink-Pd knock down the
first brute who dared complain of the cir
cumference Of their garments.
And when they come into a car or om-
nibus I wouldn't stick my nose into the
newspaper, or look abstractedly out of the
window, nor get up grumbing, Always
the way with women. - NOT bit of it
I'd spring up like patent India rubber
ball. and if the old bachelor on the right
hand side, and the spruce clerk on the
left hand side, didn't compress themselves
into the smallest possible space, to make
room for the crinolins, Id know the rea-
son why!
And then, when | get married (for TO
what end was | created, If not to pay the
milliner's bills of some blessed little bit of
womankind y wouldn't | make model
husband Do you suppose | should both
ca her sweet life out of her, by grumbling
because paltry button had dropped off a
shirt collar, or string off dickcy? Do
YOU think I'd explode like "A camphene
lamp every time found rip in my
gloy es? I'd like to see myself STOPPING
to any such littlencss,
wouldn't consult the almanac every
time she bought NV bonnet, to see just
how many weeks she had worn the old
one; and i wouldn't snarl like cross
tigcr-cat whenever the coffee happened to
be cold or the bcctsteak raw, just as if |
wanted her to abasc herself in dust and
ashes and burn up her rosy little face
before the kitchen fire, while | sat with |.
my heels on the table, r,adng the paper,
in the next room ! wouldn't u,c profane
language when she asked me to button up
her sweet little gaitcr boots, or tastcn her
gloves, or even to carry her parcels down
Broadway, on rainy day-which last
consider to be an iniallblo test Of patience
and mcckness.
| wouldn't gorge myself with vino and
oysters, at fashionable downtown restau
rant, while my wife dncd at home on
cold mutton, and then look as black as an
oycrchargcd thundcrcloud, when the gro
GERS little bill came in; | wouldn't
cxpcnd small fortune in diamond shirt
studs, cxtrayagant broadcloth, and fancy
canes, and then muttcr about :" hard
times" when she vcnturcd to ask me for
a dollar to buy check for the baby's
a 1rons
And | rather think I'd go shopping
with her, too, when she limited to that CT
feet instead of inventing excuses about
Smith, Brown, or the club-aye, and pay
her bills, too, without scrcwlng up my
mouth as if had the cramp in my face
Aud If she looked into shop window and
admired thirty dollar collar, I'd walk
straight in buy it for her, instead Of icign-
inc to be absorbed in the signs opposite,
and "forgetting to hear what she said.
When | came home at night, | wo'd n't
make bear of myself, behind the even
ING paper and answer savagely, when she
timidly asked what was reading, tcomcn
can't understand politics" No, indeed
| would read her all the anecdotes, play
with the children, pull the pussys ears,
and tell her how becoming her new silk
was. That's the way to keep the women
good naturcd, take my word for it and
what pretticr sight is there in all the
world than a good-humored woman p
Mind, | don't ask the incomigible old
bachelors first, because it isn't any Of
their business, and second, because they're
not Judges of the article. Put the ques-
ton to any sensible fellow between the
ages Of eighteen aud twcnty-cight, and
sc what he'll say
I'd make point Of always asking my
wiics advice before | went to vote, and
doing just as she said about it-thcn I'd
be sure to be always right And if any
bachelor friend Of mine had the impu-
lcucc to ask II q to an oyster supper, with
out including my wife in the iuN itation,
do you suppose ID 60! Ask my mother
law about that
wouldn't 90 to the evening parties,
and firt desperately with other ladies, and
talk about "my pool dear wife, whose i'll |
health prccludcd her enjoyment of socic- +
~ when knew very well that she was
sitting ut home alone with the cat, and
crying her eyes out over one of my ragged +.
old coats.
Good gracious what wide field for
improvement there is amou., the benghtcd f
sons of Adam 1t puts me completely
ont Of breath to think of half the reforms o
I'd make. oh if were only man
NUsE ITEMS. Tie editor Of Placer
vile paper recently married Miss Nuse.-
We calculate now that his facilities for
getting muse arc scarcely equalled, that he
viii attend particularly to his Muse depart
mcnt, and publish items which no other
editor can father. =.