Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-03-03
How Ben Purtle got his Wife.

The very climax of ugliness was Ben
Purtle. He was red haired, and each
hair stood as lift cherished the suprem-
est contempt for its next neighbor.-
His face was as freckled as the most
bespotted turkey egg. His nose sup
ported at the bridge large lump,
while the end turned viciously to one
side. His mouth had every shape but
pretty shape. ! His form was as I'M
couth as his face was ugly. The very
climax of ugliness was Ben Purtle-
what was more still, Ben had hand
some, bouncing, blooming wife-such
as only can be grown upon country
lawn. .G Ha
elbow the Deuce" said I to Ben one
day, ''did you ever get such wife, you
mcouth, misshappen, qllintessence of
monstrosity ?"
Ben was not at all offended by the
impertinence of my question, and forth
with began to solve the mystery thus:
sWel, now, gals what's sensible
amt cotched by none ofyour purity and
hifalutin airs. I've seed that tried
MORN once. You know Kate was al
lers considerable the purtiest girl in
these parts, and all the fellers in the
neighborhood used to try to cotch her.
Well, used to go over to old Sammv's
too, just to kinder look on, and cast
sleeps eyes at Kate. But marcy sakes!
| had no more thought that could get
Kate than Jerusalem cricket could
hide in the hair that wasn't on old
Sammy's bald head-no- stree. But
still couldn't help going, an my heart
would kinder flutter, and my eyes would
burn all over, whenever I'd 60 to talk
with Katy. And one day when Kate
sortef made fun of me like, it almost
killed me sure; l went home with some
thing like rock jostling about in my
breast, and declared I'd hang myself
with the first plow line I found"
''Did you hang yourself?"
"No; daddy blazed at me for not tax
ing old Ball to the pasture in the morn
ing, and scared me SO that I forgot all
about it, .....e5 .......
"Go on" said I, seeing Ben pause
with apparent regret that he had not
executed his VOW. sa.e. .......
"Well, so one Monday morning-0
reckon it was. year after that hang
ing scrape) II got up. and scraped my
face with daddy's old razor; and put on
my new coprus britches, and a new
linsey coat that many had died with
sassafras bark, and went over to un-
Gle Sammy's. Now I'd got to loving
Kate like all creation, but never cheap
ed to anybody about my feelings. But
| knowed was on the right side of the
old folks"
"Well, now, amt it quar-" continu-
ed Ben, show feller will feel some
times? Something seemed to say as
went along, Ben Purtle this is great
day for you, and then my heart Jump
ed and futtered like a jay bird in
trap. And when I got there and seed
Kate with her new checked home-spun
frock on, [ rally thought I should take
the blind-staggers, anyhow
Ben paused again to brush the FOG
from his eyes, and then continued:
"Well, l found the order of the dav
was to go muscandine hunting. Joe
Sharp and his two sisters, and Jim
Bowles was thar. I'd knowed long
time that Sharp was right arter Kate,
and | hated him worse than HOG hates
to find his way out of a tater patch;
but | didn't let on. Sharp had on white
britches and fine shoes, and broadcloth
overcoat, but everybody knowed that
he wasn't worth red cent. He walk
ed with Kate, and you ought to have
seed the airs he put on. It was Miss
Kate this, and Miss Kate that, and all
such nonsense. After while we came
near slough whar we had to cross ON
a log, and I'd a notion to pitch the sas-
sy good -for-nothing into the water"
"Why didn't you?''
'Stop, never mind,'' said Ben giving
me a nudge, E'Providence done that all
up brown. Nothing must do but Joe
Sharp must lead Miss Kate across fust.
He jumped on the log in high glee and
took Hates hand, and they put off,
Just as they got half way across, a tar
nation big bull frog jumped off into the
water, you know how they holler-
Snakes! screamed the fool, and knock
ed Kate off up to her waist in the mas
ty, black, muddy water. And what
dye think he done ?-Why he runs
backwards and foreds, hollernl' for a
pole to help Kate out of the water with.
Kate looked at me, and couldn't stand
it any longer. Curchuck Lit ten feet
from the bank at the first Jump, and
had Kate out Of there in no time
And dye think the scamp didn't come
up after we'd got out and said: Are YOU
hurt Miss Kate?''
"My dander was up. I couldn't
stand it; [ cotched him by the seat of
his white britches and coat collar. and
gin toss. Maybe he didn't 90 clear
under when he hit the water. I didn't
see him out. Me and Kate put for the
house. When we started off, Kate
said:
''Ben, just let me hold on to your arm,
[ kinder feel sorter weak
"Gepeat Jimmy! I felt so quar- when
she took hold. l tried to say some
thing nice, but my drotted mouth would