True American. [volume] (Steubenville [Ohio]) 1855-1861, 1858-04-14
Trials of a Fat Man. i.

I'd '" Trials Of Fat Man. 2
The Buffalo Republic has fat cores!
pondent WHO. writes TO that paper frankly
thus: s.u,..i .-a..r.i
As l intimated to you, having come TO
the conclusion that there was nothing fit
to eat in Buffalo. Islarted for New York
on Friday last, on the Central Railroad.
l had no idea that man with a respect
able quantity of flesh was looked upon
with any degree of surprise outside Of
your city limits. / only weigh two hun
dred and thirty-one pounds, and if | am
said 10 be as broad as | am long, it cer-
tainly was no reason for the ticket agent
at the Buffalo depot inquiring, "do you
wish to 60 as freight, or as passenger?"
l told him with considerable asperity,
Gas a passenger of course" when he
charged me for tickets for two, and upon
my expostuIaling with him he very i'm
pudently inquired If | supposed that any
one else could sit in the same sect | oc-
cupied. Being aware that it was matter
of some doubt, said no more, but heard
him mutter something to himself about
hogs always going asfreight, as l walked
of, which remark was made | presume,
to an omnibus driver, standing near. 1t
certainly could have had no reference 10
me. Do you think it could o.r. wa.
got on the cars somewhat ruflied in
temper, and Bfler crushing two or three
women from diameter Of ten feet into
about six inches, and fattening out an
apple boy and popcorn vender so that
their identity became matter of consid'
cradle research, | finally obtained seat
opposite an old scraggy lady and her
unmarried daugher. They screamed as
I sat down, and ] was tempted to expand
my lungs In the same manner, for the
whole seat gave way with me and depos.
tied me with ny wig in a pool of tobacco
juice, and my feet in the bony, unmarried
girls lap. Upon extricating myself from
the wreck, l discovered to my horror
that | had split the back of my coat, had
utterly crushed out of existence three
band boxes, and obtained the eternal
hate of The scraggy woman and her bony
daughter forever. tried 10 make my
apologies, but think | failed. My failure
is easily explained, for who ever heard Of
any man making decent apology in a
fractured coat, and head saturated with
tobacco juicel ..-.r.t.
then went into another car, in conse-
quence Of the Indignation of the passen.
gers having been aroused by the two
women alluded to, and especially as
heard gentleman with short hair and
not very placid face, ,inquiring if he hadn',
better punch him. Having no doubt
that the him referred 10, meant me,
made myself as seldom as possible, and
got into the next car. The seats in the
car were all weak, frail things. as four Of
them fell to pieces as sat down on them.
Upon making my complaint to the con-
daclor-who asked if there was more
than one of me-he suggested that l had
better 60 into the baggage car, and cit on
one Of the express trunks. They being
iron-bound he thought they'd stand it, il
nothing else would. / did 60 in there
The baggage-man who was not very
polite, asked me what ! wanted. I told
him wanted 10 stay in there. He said
it couldn't be did; as, If | came in, he
would have to 60 out, there wasn't room
''for them two trunks and botll Of us in
that there baggage car" accommodated
matters with him by giving him dollar
zone Of twenty I had borrowed, J and he
agreed 10 ride on the outside of the car
while occupied the inside. Igot upon
two express trunks, and was very com
Portable. Indeed, | should have beer
perfectly, if the baggage-man hadn't kep
annoying me. He kept diving his heat
into The car, asking if | was going tt
New York, and upon my replying that
was, he would convey my reply 10 tht
brakeman. who evidently had been talk
ing Of me all the way from Rochester
Finally the baggage-man drove his heac
in again, as if to end some argument ant
asked if | intened to go to Barnum'S Mu
scum, when | got to New York. toll
him ! shonld; which information h
reconveyed to the brakesman, who ejac.
ulated, "Thought so-it's him !" '"
couldn't imagine what they mean
They chuckled considerable and said
"Seen him for nothing. 'Twould q cos
two shillin's in New York"-when
abruptly put an end to their conversation
by putting my head out Of the car door
aad enqniring who was shin" wha
"would cost two sbillings in New York,
and what they had "seen for nothing
The brakeman was somewhat startled
but recovered sufficiently to say, GA
Boy" This answer affording me n
information whatever ! backed into tn
car again, much puzzled ss TO wha. the
, meant, Dreaming that was bein
: broiled on an immense gridiron, for til
purpose OF 'frying" me out and tina
the fat was running from me in inumel
; able rivnlets, which, was being caugh
: in little tin cups, and sold by tradesma
) Of all descriptions, ! arrived in Syracuse
4 - A q - :. n q a