The Union and eastern journal. [volume] (Biddeford [Me.]) 1854-1858, 1858-05-14
Wit and HuInOr.

"Nor QurrE so BAD" The Bellefonte
(Pa.) Democrat tells good story OF Sam
Bike, who has been down the Susquch hanna
this Spring with raft. Returning home,
he stopped at a tavern, where crowd was
discussing the Kansas question. Sam had
not slept the previous night, and was about
squaring himself out for comfortable
snooze, when one of the loudest, turning to
him, said: "Ilere sits Lccompton man,
III bet the liquor for the room." "Done,"
saws his opponent, who was LecomPton.
"Now, then, friend" said No. !, sin order
10 decide this bet, will you be so kind as TO
tell us whether you arc n Lecompton man Z"
"Nha, makes you think soi" Sam asked
because, Sir, you look ike one can al
ways tell them by their look" replied NO.
/. Sam answered, "Do i? Well, gentle
men, | was on a raft from Snow-Shoe to
Marietta (; Ihare been drunk for tlro iretks,
and haven't slept rink Jor tiro nights out
had no idea looked so hard as that."-
The Lecomp,on man paid the liquor and
sloped. ... ...... .....E.
An old lady being afflicted with Mysteries,
imagined she could not breathe,and appealed
10 her husband with "ME -, ! can't
BREATHE" "Well, my dear" returned the
afflicted husband, "a would not try" .
AT wedding recently, when the ofiici-
a,ing priest put to the lady the question =.
"Wil, thou have this man to be thy welded
husband ?" she dropped the pretticst courte-
sy, and with modesty which lent her beau
~ an additional grace, replied: "lf you
please" ... .....
THE mother.in.law is the person in the
household who attends to the preserves and
the pickles, and sees that the matrimonial
jars are put carefully away, to be opened
when wanted.
"SiR," said rather wild gentlemun to an
acquaintance, "my wife had fine little boy
two nights ago; but unfortunately he died
immediately after his BIRTH" III don't won.
DER said the iovial friend, "that when he
came into the world and saw who his father
was, he went immediately out Of It,"
"MARr, my love, do you remember the
text this morning." "No, papa, ! never
can remember the text, I've such bad men,
ory.r "Alary," said her mother, "did you
notice Susan Brown" "Oh, yes. What
fright! She had on her last years bon
net, done up, a pea.green silk, black lace
mantill', brown gators, an imitation honi-
ton collar, lava bracelet, her old ear drops,
and such fan! Oh, myw Mother-"Well
my dear, your memory is Improving"
A GENTLEMAN once COW ersing In the
company of ladies, and criiicising rather
severely the want Of personal beauty II
other ladies' Of their acquaintance, remark
ed, "they are the ugliest women know !
and then with extraordinary politeness, ad
ded, "prcsent company always excepted"
IT IL q serious question with US, whethe
every fisherman, however honest he ina!
think himself, ought not TO be indicted 70
shocking" fish. go
An lrishman being asked on late tria
for certificate Of his marriage, barred hi
head aud exhibited huge scar, which look
ed as though It might have been made viii
ERE shovel. The evidence was satisfae
tory.
"WHEaE vas J." said q little urchin on
day to his mother, as hes,ood gazing at h'
drunken and PROSTATE papa. "wheie vas
when you msrried pa2 Why didn't 20
take me along? could have picked OUT
better men than he TO-" f..