The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-11-20


w Why is an old chair that has had a
new bottom put in it like paid bill?
Because it is re seated (receipted.)
CT Why are railroad carriages in no
danger from lightning? Because every tram
has conductor.
~ The best "fire annihilator" we ever
saw, was an armful of green cotton WOOD.
evLife is n farce to the rich a comedy
to the wise tragedy to the poor.
rzv Music is the only talent which peases
of itself all the other require witnesses.
The man who rides the nightmare,
it is said has challenged the telegraph to t'ot
fifty miles before wagon.
Cv The Columbus Statesman says "the
ceremony of marriage will lose half its ter
rors if the number Of divorce cases contln-
ues to increase"
rJ- The sHeenan IIat' is the latest nov
city in New York. 1t must be shocking
bad style or an old one ''knocked into
cooked hat"
crP The leaves fall from the trunk Of De-
mocracv in October, and in November its
sap begins to settle down.
Ev-A farmer in Quincy, Mass, has q full
sized chicken with four complete legs and
feet. This is one "fOwP' freak of nature.
c. One of the Louisville printing Offices
seems, to be poultry pen. The editor
says: Gan egg was laid on our table, yes
terday."
~ An Irishman, being asked if he I'M
derstood French replied: 'Yes by the pow
ers understand French when one spakes it
in lrish.'
cy'Pay your score said a publican to
customer who was running up an account for
nle. 'Wait till I've had the score; that last
mug only made ten.'
C>y' Lady, (affectedlv.) Where in the
name Of wonder, doctor could have got
such n nose rs this? Doctor A-Out of the
decanter, ma'dm
CTJean Paul says, we shond be as little
ashamed ofinnoccnt joys as Of backberries,
although after the enjoyment they leave
black stain on the mouth.
CT In Arkansas, when man desires to
say that he would like drink he declares
that if he had glass of whiskey, he would
throw himself outside oft, mighty quick.
ey" Mrs. Partington thinks that old
Mother Ocean is no better than she ought
to be- or else she would not allow the Allan
tic Cable to lay in her bosom.
%" There is a divinity that shapes our
ends,' as the pig remarked when he was
contemplating the knk in his tail.
ry Aunt Betsey has said many good
things, among the rest that newspaper Is
like wife, because every man should have
one Of his own.
p A tall word-Four columns of an
English Newspaper, very small type are
occupied by the advertisement of quack
doctor, headed thus:
"One word to the afflicted"
Rather long word we should think.
~>~
Bring in the oysters told you to
open,' said the head of household growing
impatient. There they are replied the
cook, proudly. 1T took me long time to
clane thin; but l've done it and thrown all
the nasty insidcs into the stratc.'
-" \ doctor returned n coat to tailor
because it did not fit him. The tailor see
ing tte doctor at the funeral Of one Of his
rpabaEts: All, doctor. you are happy
man. 'Why so . said the doctor. 'Be-
cause replied the tailor, 'you never have
any Of your bad work returned on your
hands
The following Joke is too good to be lost:
The superintendent of u certain railroad dis
charged conductor belonging to that road.
The conductor was asked why he was dis
charged.
'Wel,' said he, Twas discharged for Civ
ing free pass
'What made you such fool rs to give
free pass?'
We'll you sec,' replied the conductor, q
got tired of riding, alone, and gave a friend
OF mime free pass to get him to 60 along
for company.
gan invetcrate coffee drinkcr, two days
after his marriage, on a visit to his parents.
was, rs usual, handed Il cup of that delicious
beverage, and astonishcd the table BY ex-
pressing his preference to tea. Wondering
what could have produced the sudden anti
rashy, hisanxious mamma inquired the cause.
Ills Innocent reyl Y "that it kept him n wake
the last two nights" set the table in n
roar.
y y citizen missed two pounds of fresh
butter, which was reserved for himself
Tho maid, however, had not only stolen it,
but, fastened tho theft on the cat
avcrrlng moreover, that she caught her in
the act of finishing the last morscl. The
willy citizen Immediately put the cat INTO the
scales and it weighed but o pound and IL
half. This mode Of accurate reasoning be-
conclusive tho ui RI oil bnr
crime.
CT Digss saw note lying on the ground
but knew that it was counterfeit, and walk
ed on without picking it up. lie told
Smithers the story, when the latter said
'Do YOU know, Digs, you have commit
ted very grave offence?'
'Why, what have done:'
you have passed a counterfeit bill, know
ing it to be such,' said Smithers without
smile, and fed.
- We are indebted to gentleman who
occupies Il prominent position in the I. ).
Mint, for the following, in reply to the qucs
ton, 'What is the weight of 81, 900 900 in
gold' The weight of 81 900, 900 of the
l. s. currency IN gold is $3.50 troy Ounc-
es. This makes 4479 pounds . ounces-or
nearly 2 IL tons, reasoning 2,oOo to the
ton.
MUST HAVE BEEN WATER-TIGnT.
4 clergyman who was reading to his con-
gregation chapter in Genesis, found the
last sentence to be
'Aud the Lord gave unto Adam awifc,'
Turning over two leaves together, he
found written, and read in audible voice,
"And she was pitched without and Within
lie had uuhappily, got into description
Of Noah's ark.
cy-Ata debating club in certain town
in Connecticut, the question up for discus
sion one evening was-"Whch is the most
potent element, fire or water" The first
man upon the floor was Uncle Zeb York, Il
perfect original character, who at once
settled tho question to the entire satisfaction