The weekly north Iowa times. [volume] (McGregor, Iowa) 1857-1867, 1858-09-29
MISCELLANEOUS.
A Short Patent Sermon.

A Short Patent Sermon.
EY DOW, JR.
Seek good wife of thy God for she is the best gift OF
his providence. -
My Hearers Mo rational man ever.yct had
even soft-slell doubt crawl into his mind that
a good wife is good thing -articlo. utensil,
or "institutiOn."
This being conceded, We arrive at starting
point. Our text says, my un-wedded brethren,
you must seek GOOD wIFE-the best gift of
Gods proridence--of the great Disposer Of hui
man events and manageable women. That Is
so. BY looking to such . source, you are sure
to get one Of the right stamp, containing the
pure metallic ring-nOt one composed of coun-
terfeit virtues, or made up of zinc and pewter
pretcnsions. And what Is more, it isn't going
to cost you anything neither at tho beginning
nor at the end, except new suit of clothes,
plain gold ring. and ten dollar piece for the
parson-which is my standard price, and "lll
have no more and never take cent less
The Devil, my beloved bachelor. always has
great deal of feminine truck in tho market,
for which you have to pay pretty roundly or
let it alone. Generally speaking, to get one of
this sort, you must show plethoric purse in the
beginning, and give it good sweat at the start
land this, brethren, Is the literal meaning Of
that Greek quotation "the DEVILS TO pay" A.
forwards your purse will probably sweat itself
into galloping consumption, and dissolve and
disappear, "like the baseless fabric of vision
or pound OF salts in quart of warm water.
Then dark cloud will lower upon your shanty;
love. fit ever gained residence in your. hearts
will suddenly emigratc from such an arctic
tegion-want and wretchedness will stare you
IN the countnancc, like a couple Of cat owls
Watching gopher by moonlight-and unless
l., H. r.
you in the end.
My friends: Every man, be he good or bad,
should have good wife. If he be good, she
will make him still better member Of society;
il bad, but not wholly beyond redemption, a
good i'll put new surface upon him in two
weeks and at the end of single year he will
have undergone such thorough renovation that
he wort know himself from the seventeenth
commandments. If thou art given to fretting,
and don't know what to fret about, it is well 10
provide myself with a home, and furnish it
with good wife and few little white headed ct
ceeras, then verify thou canst fret to thy souls
content. and the good wife will probably heed
L not. but let it run itself out--as it most al.
surcdly will. in time. Thou shalt fret:
LIST. Because the fashions change with every
moon, and it takes too much change to keep a
wife rugged according to Guntcr.
I'd. Because u red flannel pctticoat, even to
think abouI. is worse than the sevel-year
itch. @
Sd. Because the hoops to the vinegar barrel
are always flying of, and wife wants coopering
once in every two months.
4th Because the coffee is too delicate and
butter too robust; eggs geological specimens !;
meat not cooked-haf cooked-c0Oked to a
cinder; potatoes soggy; turnips pithy pie
crust hammered out at the blacksmith 9 and the
shortening" omitted on account of its extreme
length:
5th. Because the childrcn's faces are SO dirty
they'll. never be able to speak English.
9Th. Because there Is nothing in its place. ex-
cept the cat In the milk -pitcher, and the even
ing ncwspefer IN the sluppail.
BIT, - before said, thy fretting viii run itself
1nE5n Tins, it not meddlcd with and thou
stalt affeEwards become worthy Of good wife,
AZ s16eE only borne IL all without murmur
Ike dock in hail-storm, but with thous-
and apologies, garnished with the sweetest of
smiles. promised an extra endeayorto suityou
for the future.
Worthy bachelors: SEEK good wife Of your
God, and you will find it an easy matter t. scare
up one. What mean by a GOOD wife is one
plump a. partridge, about two-ihirds fall Of
common sense, and the other third filled with
.ri INNINGS for the same one moderately adj
,licted to crin0hne, f0unces and tight lacing-
whose heart il q magnet that shall draw you to
her dlde, and induce you to spend the major
part Of your eyeuings in her sweet society one
whose inherent charms are such as in oil your
wanderiags will ever lead yVo3o excIaim; "ther's
TO place like home,'-one who will keep but
.ons upon your shirts, and put ~ polish upon
your manners one who can make good pot
pie as well as play upon the piano and above
Ill, one Wh0 l1D1s how 10 prepare nice ssufing
fir turkey on Clristmas s.holler'' on that.
But beware Of your strong minded, double
jointed mi. and 61ne Stockings in general
Bachelor miners: don't know that you are
so wretchsdly in want Of wife - good many
others but ron know your own wants the
best. fyou are weary, and feel life to be
sort ofone horse arrangement without help.
rate, Hhy then look about for your tother halt
and aplice on. Though she digs not herself,
vkily, in ~ Likelihood, she will make you dig
che ahArpeF. But be We not in a hurry, the
gaudy red petticoat. predict, will soon give
I.lace to IN article Of sober blue. Then, oh, ye
brethren miners. sou may take unto yourselves,
wives, and bliasfully share with them your hap
,'ises. your bed. your board. your sheets, and
your shiyts
But these wretched. greedy Mormons upon
the subject Of wife taking, they carry their
;,0atish ideas TO most prodigal extent. They
want altogether too much Of good thing
more than reason, religion. or the laws of the
land ought to allow bet let us hope that
through the grace Of God and gunpowder. a
new order of things will soon be instituted in
The midst Of this miserably benighted people.
Ny brethren You should never marry very
young. Life i feast after yon have enjoy
sest. So mote it be!