The independent press. (Abbeville C.H., S.C.) 1853-1860, 1858-08-27
"If I Were a Man."

an example OF brilliant perfection. Wouldn't
| make myself generally agreeable to all the
ladies, and talk to EN- as if they had souls
above bonnets. What glorious man
should make.
wouldn't stand on the hotel stems and
puff clouds Of villa;uous tobacco smoke into
the eyes of all the pretty girls that 90 past,
nor spit on the pavemens TO spoil their
little shoes aud injure their tclnpcrs.
wouldn't Set my huge heels down on
trains OF their silken dresses, to tear 'cm
hall off; and think I'm not quite sure,
but | think-Id knocl, down the first brute
who dared complan Of the circumference
Of their garments?
And when they come into the car or
Omnibus, wouldn't stick my nose into
newspaper, or look ahstrac,edIy out of the
widow, nor get up grumhling, "Always
the way with women! !"---Not bit of it !!
ia spring up like patent India rubber
ball, and it the old bachelor on the left hand
side, didn't compress themselves into the
smallest possible space, to mako room for
the crlnoines, Ill know the reason why ~
And then, when get married (for to
what and was created, if not to pay the
mlliner's BILLS Of some blessed little bit of
woma"kiHdJ wouldn't | make model
husband !! DO yon suppose should bother
her sweet life out OF her, by grumbling be-
cause aratry button had dropped off shirt
color, or a string off dickcy? Do you
think I'll explode like camphenc lamp
every time l found Il rip in my gloves I'd
like to see myself STOPPING TO any such little
ness.
| wouldn't consult the almanac every
time she bought new bonnet, to see Just
how many weeks she had worn the old one:
and l wouldn't snarl like cross tiger-cat
whenever the coffee happened to be cold or
the beef steak raw, just.as If wanted her
to abase herself in dust and ashes and burn
up her rosy little face before the kitchen
fire, while sat with my heels on the table
rea'llng the paper in the next room. |
wouldn't use profane language when she
asked me to button up her sweet little gai,cr
boots, or fasten her gloves, or even to carry
her parcels down Broadway, on a rainy day
WHICH [ consider to be an infallible test
of patience and mcekness.
l wouldn't gorge myself with wine, and
oysters, and cigars at fashionable down.
town restaurant, while my wife dined at
home on cold mutton, AID then look as an
overcharged thundercloud when the grocer's
"httle bill" came in; wouldn't expend
small fortune in diamond shirt-studs, extrav-
agant broadcloth, and fancy canes, and then
nuttcr about "hard times,' when she ven
tured to ask me for halfa dollar to buy
check for the baby's aprons?
And I rather think I'd 60 shopping with
her, too, when she hinted to that effect in.
stead Of inventing excuses about Smith,
Brown, or the club-aye, and pay her bills,
too; without screwing up my mouth as if
had the cramp in my face! And if she
looked into a shop Window and admired
thirty dollar collar, I'd walk straight in and
buy it for her, instead Of feigning to be alb
sorbed in the signs opposite, and forgetting
to hear" what she said.
When I came hor,e at night, wouldn't
make bear of myself, behind tho evening
paper and answer savagely, when she timid-
ly asked what WAS reading, "sooman can't
understand politics!" No, indeed! IwouId
read her all tho anecdotes, play with the
children, pull the pussy's ears, and tell her
how, becoming her. new silk was. That's
the way to keep the women good naturcd,
take my word for it; and what pret,ier
sight is there in all the world than good
humored woman mind, don't ask The
incorrigible old bachelors; first because it
isn't any of their business, and second, bos
causeihcy're not, judges of the article. But
put the question to any sensible fellow;be,
tween the ages of eighteen and twenty
eight sand see what Be'llsay
Id make point ofSalways asking: NY
wife's advice before Iwsnss ysete; and do
ing just as she said about lssBs
sure to be always right bach
elor friend of mine ba aBe prasdfsISs fto
ask me to an oyster slipper. wishpnt includ.
ping my wife in the invitation, do you su.
poseIa do9. Ask my mother-in. IAN about
thot.: :,N . . ~, =, =
Wouldn't 60 toaseniug parties; and flIt
desperately with other, ladies', and talk
about Hmy poor, dear. wife, whose i'll health
| precluded her enjoyment ossociety,n when
knew very we'll that she was sittingashome
alone With the cat, apd crying her eyes: OUT
over one of my8s&ged old coats.
Good gtaaions I .whai "a, stde Hell fes
IMPROVEMENTS there .is among TIE bspighssd
Sons osAdams! Itsppts 1ee osmpistsly sRl