Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-05-12
Fact, Fancy and Fun.

Characters, like pipes, get blacker
the oftener they are smoked
-Modestv, says cotemporary
adorns woman, but ruins man.
Why is lean dog like a man in
meditation? Because he is thin cetr
The speaker who was ''drawn out"
measured six inches more than before.
The last excuse for crinoline is
that tho ''aceaher vessels need much
hopping.
-"Mr. Conductor, are YOU running
on time to-day?'' ''No, we are running
for cash.
-"Corn bread ?" said the Irish wait
er; ''We have not got it; an isn't corn
bafe ye mane 90
Why is it easy to break into an old
mans house? Because his gait is bro
ken, and his locks are few.
Little -s'What's the use of an
eclipse? ?" Astronomer-''O it gives
the sun time for reflection"
"A punster challenged a sick mans
vote at recent election, on the ground
that he was an III legal voter.
Every family ought to keep kitten
to amuse the children. They should
also keep children to amuse the kitten.
When you hear a young lady de-
clare that she hates all men-infer that
some particular one has struck her fan
cy.
From the time consumed bv Ia
dies in ''doing their hair" it is evident
that this is the name part Of their bust
ness.
What is the difference between a
bare head and hair bed? One fees
for shelter and the other is a shelter for
feas.
"A shoemaker has one important
advantage over most kinds of mechan-
ics-his goods, whenever finished, are
always SOLD.
What led Macbeth to say that he
would die with harness on his back?
Because he knew very we'll that Mac
duff was about to tackle him.
The young lady who burst into
tears has been put together again, and
is now wearing hoops to prevent re-
occurrence Of the accident.
-''Mister, l say, I don't suppose
you don't know Of nobody who don't
want to hire nobody to do nothing, don't
you" The answer was "Y es l don't"
"A dandy with a cigar in his mouth
entered menagerie, when the proprie-
tor asked him to take the weed from
his mouth, lest he should learn the other
monkeys bad habits.
We have heard of an economical
man who takes his meals in front of
mirror; he does this to double the dish
es. If that is not philosophy, we would
like to know what is.
--E'Do try to talk little common
said a young lady to her visi-
tor.
ooh! but wouldn't that be taking an
unfair advantage OF you?'
The most remarkable instance Of
the man who sat up all night, because
he could not decide which to take off
first, his coat or his boots.
"A gentleman, whose counting
house had been his altar, having failed
in business, was asked what he intend
ed to do, and replied, II shall stay at
home awhile and get acquainted with
my family"
"A starving Irishman, wandering
about London, came to a building
bearing the inscription, sIying- -in-Hos-
pital." ''By the powers he exclaimed,
''that's the place for me, for I've been
lying out for fortnight -
"A "smart looking gentleman pre-
sented himself at the Methodist Episco-
pal parsonage, and said to the minister,
with pleasant bow, "Sir, you buried
my wife 1toe months ago, and I was SO
pleased with you on that occasion, that
1 have come here this evening to ask
you to marry me-"
"A contemporary says: "There is
a man up In our country who always
pays for his paper in advance. He has
never had a sick day in his life-never
had any corns or toothache-his po-
tatoes never rot-the weevil never eats
his wheat-the frost never kills his corn
or beans-his babies never cry in the
his wife never scolds, and
wears moderate sized hoops" Reader
if you would enjoy like results on your
own part, go and do likewise.
The late Alr. Philip Thickness,
father of Lord Audley, applied to his
son for assistance. This being denied,
he Immediately hired a cobbler's stall
opposite his lordship's house, and put
up sign board on which was inscrib-
ed, in large letters, s'Boots and shoes
mended in the best and cheapest man.
ner, by Philip Thickness, father to Lord
Audley." The consequence of this
may be readily imagined; the board
did not remain there many days.
a. A young lady who is we'll post
ed In all the fashionable literature of