Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-05-19
Fact, Fancy and Fun.

Why is love like canal boat?-
Because it is internal transport
-"None of your umkind reflections"
as the old maid said to the looking glass.
Why is wit like Chinese ladv's
foot Because brevity is the sole OF
| it.
The boy who lost his balance on
the root, found it on the ground soon
afterwards.
If a ship make eight knots an hour,
how long will she take to make crocl-
ct collar?
MoDEsrr.-A young lady refusing to
go over potato patch ''5ecause they
hare got eyes"
"A sour fellow says that he always
looks under the marriage head for the
news of the aceak.
Why is Il the most useful letter IN
the alphabet for deaf woman? Be
cause it will make her hear.
venerable maiden lady, speaking
OF marriage, says it's like any other dis
ease, while there is life there is hope.
The young ladies down East com-
plain that gentlemen are SO POOR that
they can't even pay their addresses.
There is only one objection to peo
pie who ''mean wel,'' and that is, they
never can spare time to carry olls their
meaning.
-Parson Brownlow saws that ''if he
IS denied the privilege Of going to
Heaven, after death, his second choice
is Baltimore"
Some men are like pyramids,
which are very broad where they touch
the ground, but grow narrow as they
reach the sky.
"A wag, on hearing that man had
given up chimney-sweeping, expressed
surprise, as he thought the business
sootea him.
The man who attempted to catch
the speakers eye with a steel-trap, was
ordered to take the floor by the Ser
geantat-Arlns.
-"Who knows what q dav may
bring forth, as the man said, when he
awoke in the morning, and found HIM
self in the gutter.
No man is perfect. The ideal man
is the whole Christian brotherhood.-
That alone presents Gods idea in the
creation of man.
lightning never strikes but once
in the same place; therefore, let the
man whose first wife has been a good
ones never marry again.
Louis XIV asked Count Mahoney
if he understood Italian?
eyes, please your Majesty" said the
Count, ''lt 1t IS spoken i'll Irish.''
Laws and institutions are constant
ly tending to gravitate. Like clocks,
they must be occasionally cleansed, and
wound up, and set to true time.
Miss Tucker says it is with old
bachelors as with old wool-it is hard
to get them started, but when they do
flame, they burn rrodigiously.
"A young stock-broker having mar
ried a fat old widow with 100000,
says cit wasn't his wife's face that at
tractcd him so much as the fgure,"
Men are greatly relieved when they
have at length rid themselves Of belief
in some unwelcome docti1ne-as if facts
could be destroyed as easily as opinions.
-"What is that dog barking at?''
asked fop, whose boots were more
polished than his ideas. "Why,7' re-
piled bystander, ''because he sees al.
other puppy in your boots
A Down-East poet thus immor-
talizes the beautiful river Connecticut:
''Roll on, loved Connecticut, long
hast thou ran, giving shad to old Hart
ford and freedom to man -
The young lady who fled on hear
ing it announced that a naked fact
would be disclosed returned Oh receiy-
ing positive assurance that it would be
clothed IN becoming language.
There is no tyranny more intolera-
bic than a conscience unrestraincd by
love. Like an ill-loaded gun, it recOils
at the breach and kills at the muzzle.
A conscience unsubdued by love tor
ments the owner, and bruises those
upon whom he lets it loose
IMPORTATION GRATIs.-Somebody
has perpetlatcd the following as an III
dcX to woman:
"a black dress indicates low spirits
and literary turn Of mind A white
dress denotes romantic nature. The
red dress belongs only to strong mind
ed females girls who Jump oat a back
window to get to ball.
AT a fashionable city party, at
which low necked dresses were prom
inent feature,
Miss B-addressed her country
cousin
''Cousin Sam, did you ever see such
a glorious sight before %
"NeDer since I ecds aee0ned," said
Sam, blushing.