The prairie news. [volume] (Okolona, Miss.) 1851-1875, 1858-05-20
The Patent Umbrella.

The Patent Umbrella.
Beard, the Cincinnati artist has inven
ted plan to stop that most inconvenien
and unpunishable crime, umbrella theft
which we intend to make public at the
risk of violating the patent laws We
will tell the story as he related it
l had bought fine silk umbrella, and
started for the Burnett House, on rainy
day. when l began to reflect upon my ex-
travagance, and to wonder, as | tripped
along proudly under its broad and safe
cover, whether or not it. would go the
way of Umbrellas, and leave me to the
"pitiless peltings of the Storm" before
the day was over. True, could keep it
in my hand; but then was occasionally
so absent minded that | would be Just as
apt to sit it down in public bar-room,
or even to have it quietly taken out of
my hand by some adroit purloiner."-
Suddenly an idea occurred. / stepped
into hardware store and purchased a
small paddock.
On arriving at the hotel, closed my
umbrella, slipped the lock on to the wire
spring which keeps it shut, and deposited
it with the most perfect confidence in the
public rack. | was not long waiting for
customer. A splendid looking fellow,
with goatee and moutache, stepped up
with the most perfect momchalance and
took my identical umbrella. | quietly
sauntered toward the door, giving cas-
ual glance at the weather; my hero es-
sayed to spread the sheltering silk but
alas it was no go-again Still worse.
What the deuce was the matterl He
looked-saw the trap, and the fall of his
countenance was exactly the step from
the sublime TO the ridiculous | so often
heard of, but never seen before. My UNI
brella was quietly deposited in its place,
and my gentleman meekly sauntered to-
wards the reading room and slipped out
of another door umbrella-less.
| was by no means satisfied with one
experiment In little while saw one
of the most brazen appropriations of small
things (he was especially hard on lunch
es and drinks-free) in all Cincinnati
Now" said /, /" is my chance"
This customer had an article in his
hand, which might in courtesy be styled
the "ghost of an umbrella" and cotton
at that. With grandiloquent air, he de-
posted it right along side of mine and
went to the bar. There he picked up
treat lit was election time,) and eat
crackers and cheese enormously. Thence
to the reading room, with my eyes still
on him, and in less than minute, with
shrug, and buttoning up his coat extra
buttons, he passed in rapid business
manner to the door, picked up my UNI
brella, with scarcely glance, as he
went along. ! was on hand. With
sudden movement he attempted to raise
itj no go!f
Again Still failure With decis-
ion perfectly Napoleonic, and worthy of
the occasion, he was about to tear away
the slight obstruction, when stepped up
and said:
Don't do that! I'll lend you the
kcy!''
"Ah Mr.. Beard. Ha! Strange mis-
take-thought it was my own. Good de-
vice; think I'll adopt it."
And with the most perfect ease he put
my umbrella down, took his own and "a
m0sed
/ was satisfied. l had found out how
to keep an umbrella-and now | am on
my way to Washington to get patent
for it.
iSatiyes Of tie Ser.-The poets have
always delighted in extreme views of wo-
men. Satires and panegyrics make up
the bulk of their verses about the fair
sex. The old Roman line which charges
woman with being "semper rarium ct
mxta5ile," is, perhaps, the most moder-
ate and well founded of all the sarcasms.
Alrhcnse Kerr says:
"Say of woman that she is wicked,
obstinate, frivolous, but add that she is
beautiful and be assured that she will
think kindly of you. Say that she is
good, kind, virtuous and sensible, but
very homely, and she will never forgive
YOU in her life" But the women are
much severer than the men against the
sex. Lady Wortley Montague found her
only consolation in being herself wo-
man, in the reflection that she should
I" never by any possibility marry one of