The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-06-19
81 90 A YEAR, IN ADVANCE.

-a'saa. s@ F. 81 90 A
TGold and silver are, IN these day,
most priced and the most effective Of q
belle metals.
CT Mrs. Partingtop asks, What is the Us
of killing hogs, il you must 90 and eur
. them afterwards ?'s 5s5a' .'3'' T''lstz7 "'.1
wWhy are crows the most sensible o
birds? Because they never complain witbeu
catcs. Esz55 sg 65 @' AaEaf e.. r. .s' +
wWhv is Hy one Of the tallest of in
sects2 Because he stands over siX feet, with
out shoes or stockings. .y. ...-:s
o. A gentleman the other evening object
ed to playing cards with lady, because b.
said she had such . winning way about her
O. They who speak i'll of themselves, dc
SO mostly as the suress way of proving how
modest and candid they are.
~ From the time consumed by ladies in
ssdoing up their ha,r," it is evident that this
is the name part of the business. "''
When was Noah's wife's cradle like q
county In Virginia? When it was Rocking
Ham. -srga.1.zss ag1 7..-t .....l
w,A parent who strikes child in anger,
is like the man who strikes the water; the
consequences of the blow are sure to fly up
in his own face. i
o. Gross and vulgar minds always pay a
higher respect to wealth than to talent; for
wealth although 1t be . far less efficient
source of power than talent, happens to be
far more Ineligible. ..t
go see the william in your face" said
a western judge to a prisoner. "May it
please your Worship" replied the prisoner.
''that must be personal reflection, sure"
WMy son, if thou wilt wear tight boots,
there are three bad things thou wilt newt
ably sufer-namely, bad corn, bad gait,
and a bad temper.
begun to read Latin, astounded his maiden
instructress, who was fast approaching a
s'certain age" by the following translation:
"Vir, a man; gin, trap; Virgin, a man
trap!" r.. .....*'
GT"Did your fall hurt you ?'' asked one
hod- carrier of another, who had fallen from
the top of two-story building. "Not in the
least, Johnny; twas the stopping SO quick
that hurt me-"
fYsT don't believe it's any use-this
vaccination" }" said Yankee. 81 had child
vaccinated, and he fell out of the winder a
week arter, and got killed."
w"Do you know who am p" said a
police officer to fellow whom he had seized
by the collar. "Not exactly, sir, but reck-
on you are the malignant collarer!"
H Would you not like to gaze on Niagara
forever? ?" said romantic young girl to her
less romantic companion. s'Oh, no." said
he; 81 shouldn't like always to have a cat
aract in my eye."
CT-"Our Shamp," says that when the
men marry nowadays, they get more
Iwhalebone than woman, and more coffee
bags than sstin." About these days, Shamp
should avoid broomhandles.
~ When an Arab woman intends to
marry second husband, she waters the
grave of the first husband, to keep him cool
under the irritating circumstances.
CT That was a very singular mistake
made by Digg, at the wedding, who, when
introduced to the bride, wished that she
might enjoy many returns Of the present
happy occasion.
wA An awkward man, attempting to carve
goose, dropped it on the floor. 'There
nov r dilfaas, e5slsiPe4a Obj bis vita h4ss
its safe; Pve got my foot on it,
wssDid you not tell me, sir, you could
hold the plow?" said the master.
"Ah! be aisy now" said Pat; Chow the
deuce could hould it, and two horses draw.
ing it away from me? give it me into the
barn, and be jabers I'll hould it with any
boy"
CO "Homestead exemption" exclaimed
Mrs. Partington, throwing down the pa
per. ''lts come to pretty pass, indeed,
that men are going to exempt themselves
from home just when they please, without
any proviso for cold nights.'
y'Now Patrick,' said Judge, what
do you say to the charge-are you guilty o,
not guilty?' sFaith but that's difficult 70,
your honor to tell, let alone myself; wait til
hear the evidence
Orson Hyde, one of the Mormon apostles
boasts that if he lives ten years and thrive,
as he has been thriving, he will have 'son.
enough to make a regiment by themselves
c. A youth, smitten with the charms o
n beautiful maid, only vented his passion b,
shy looks, and now and then touching thu
fair ones toe with his toe under the table
She bore with his advances little while il
silence, when she cried outlook here!-
if you are in love with me, tell me so, bu
don't dirty my stockings!"
O. At q wedding recently, which tool
mis- 0t ho n lfor vrha ho nfo M
put to the lady the question, wilt tho,
have this man to be thy welded husband, ,
she dropped the prettiest courtesy, and will
tional grace, replied, "If you please, sir''
y Children and fools, says an old ad
age, always tell the truth. Mother sen
me-" said little girl to neighbor, sto com
and ask You to take tea with her this even
ing?"-''Did she say at what time, my dear?
. 'No ma'am; she only said she woul
ask you, and then the thing would be off he
mind-that's all she said"
, ET A lady residing in New England, wh
had Il number Of female servants in her fam
8 lily, and to each of whom she, on one oca
! sion, gave pair of cast off shoes, found tn
following impromptu On her chamber man
tel, the next morning:
How careful should our mistress be,
{ The narrow path to choose.
q when all the maids within the house
Are walking in her shoes.
] CVThe gentIest task-master we eve
E knew, is a blacksmith, who says every ever
: ing to his apprentices:
= ssCome boys, let's leave of work and 2
/ to saving woods ~,'".'"
r He must be a brother to the down ca.
farmer, who, one season when he was built
I ing a new house, used to get his hired hel
= out to play dig cellar by moonlight.
O. An actor in the Buffalo theatre or
i. night rushed to the front of the stage, upo
the entrance of military company, propose
: three cheers, and gave them, not single PEI
son joining him. As he finished, boy in Il
y gallery called for tiger, and that was NJ
9 ded. When he concluded, the laughter fairl
made the building .vibrnte, and the actt
skunk. He was costumed to play "injun,
and the next day insisted that he was on
~ +.