Smyrna times., 1858-01-28
Our Correspondence.
Written for the Smyrna Times.
How to Conduct yourself at Church,


How to Conduct yourself at Church.
To THE YouSo MEN-You should come TO !;
the Church about half az hour before the ser 3
vices commence, and stand around the lamp ,
post, for the two-fod purpose of seeing the ,
I" ducks " and enjoying a segar. While the
first hymn is being sung, you will all start for
the gallery; be sure TO enter the door while
there are two or three Others going IN; and
some one fall sprawling. II you don't do that,
why pin piece of paper to the last ones coat
tail,--you will then have something to laugh
about during the sermon. Don't kneel during
prayer.--somebOdy will accuse you of being
member of church, and of having q tender
heart. Sit up, and look as bold as lion. If
any of you should have op new coat, of course |
your nose will bleed before the preacher has |
finished his discourse, and you will have to go
out so everyone can see it. Don't spit in the
spittoons,-somebody will have them to clean.
Look at the girls all the time, and of course
the sentimental among them will return the
compliment. You needn't be particular about
coming SO early for evening preaching, unless
the lamp is lit, because you can't see the asses.
When the minister is about concluding his
evenings remarks, you had better make tracks
for the veslibule, in order to be ready to "pitch
in" when the girls come down. If any one
objects to your leaving before the services are
concluded, insult him; tell him that you don't
care for the rules of the church, nor him either,
and that you are going to do as you please
Should this rebuff not have the desired effect,
you'd better tell the said obiector that necessity
compels you so TO do. If you are still refused,
you had better lake your seat, feel bad and
brood on vengeance deep and stern " The
prayer-meeting will have commenced by this
time, and when the singing has begn, Why
squeal like a Thomas cat. OF course you'll
laugh at the prayers that some of the members
make, and you had better try to commit them
to memory, SO as to make some one "smile
at your wit" when you are initiating them.-
Should any one find the pearl of great price, "
90 and tell the fellows" that "Bill has got
through, boots and ALL" Don't 60 home as
soon as you come out of the church. Stay
around the door to see who gets "the sack"
and should any OF the fellows receive that gar
ment, why laugh at him, and tell him he '' can't
come it, If you think he will "give you
rats" for SO doing, you had better keep " mum
on the uuestion-at least TO him. TIC
those sitting in gallery (and they are the only
ones especially in need of advice), we would
say keep your iop-eye open upon some "seIf,
appointed official" and be particular not &c
move your knees or wink your eyes, lest
be accused of courageous conduct" and con.
victed of the same forthwith, without "judge
or Jury" Now, that the protracted meeting il
in progress, the fellows " should be particular
to spit tobacco juice all along the aisle of the
Lecture. Room. You can thus better exhibit
your real character as "squirts."
To THE OLD FoLKs.-We havn't much tC
say to you, particularly the ladies (rnay Hea
ven's benediction ever rest upon them ! for they
are always rgh); but the men we would par
ticuIarly advise: In order to show your gooC
breeding, as soon as the choir rises to sing
stare them out of countenance,-gap rgh
down their throats; and if you can't breaI
them down in this way, imagine Gt will be suf
fcienD that there is an inharmonious voice o.
discordant note, laugh all over your face
and look wOndrous wise at those near you, bu
do not forget TO keep mighty staring at tn,
singers all the time.
BY carrying out the above rules you can oh
tain a character not subject to malice or envy
and soon become notorious, or greatly deceived
is your friend, SNOoKs.
Smyrna, Jan. 25, 1858.