Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-09-01
A Weather Item.


5,nGgi2aaires, and incite one half the
population to suicide. But this is one
of the discomforts ofour detestable eli
mate. Yesterday, sunshine. balmy
breezes, from "the sweet south breath
ing DER bank of violets, ,''-vhite lin
en-straw hats-silk stockings, and
patent leather shoes-birds-fowers-
fans, ifin carriages-healthful perspira-
tion-ice creams--promenades with
saucy bundles Of berege--sherry cob
blers-new advertisements--minti ieleps
paying Observation-Disclosures =
to-day, rain--east wind-overcoats-
india-rubbers--coal fires--shivers-
blues; nothing consoling but hot whis-
key. But we strike out the last item,
for it began to make US feel jolly, and
we are determined not to be consoIed.
But there is one reflection that con-
soles Us in spite Of ourselves, that pla-
ces Us IN the position Of the ''meaic5n
nsalgrelui." We have the neuralgia in
our highly-ornamanted face, and it is
some consolation to think We couldn't
go out if the weather were as fine as 8
French dancing master. That neural
gia is a great institution. You ought
to see our face! We show as much
cheek to-day as the Local of the Oh
server when he attempts an original
item. Itpresents highly picturesque
appearance. We don't speak from ac-
tual observation, as We havn>t mirror
large enough to reflect the whole Of it:
the hole IN it has disappeared-faiIed,
closed up, like q Wisconsin Bank
When last heard from our handsome
mouth was travelling somewhere in the
vicinity Of our left ear. The northeast
corner Of our outrageous moustache is
located on our beautiful forehead, where
1t is scraping acquaintance with our
curlously-curved eyebrow. Our excel
lent nose has changed its horticultural
appearance, shed its brilliant blossoms.
and is now cereal-being decidedly
a-a0ry (Now don't find fault: its all
owing to the rain and neuralgia.) Our
confidential chin, or bosom friend on
many 3 snooze, has deserted us-sunk
in the plenitude fnewly acquired cheek.
We wish some mathematician would
describe the shape of our much admir-
ed right ear. It is clearly an irregular
formation. It looks like piece Of di-
lapidated souse, OF al Old india-rubber
that has been run over by numerous
carts, and other vehicles. Our ear was
a muSlcal one. We had the reputation
OF possessing q correct ear, but it is
correct no longer. 1t has gained in
length, bat it has lost the harmony Of
its proportions. There was a drum in
1t once, bot we know the head of that
drum is 'Sbusted." No ordinary drum
head could stand the amount Of strain
ing to which that ere has been subject
ed. 1t would $50 inn if it were as
tough" as one of OR old subscribers.
Or right car is now nearing the back
Of our devoted, bat resigned head. It
is going around to have few new
(h(airs played on the drum.
We once had right eye, but that
right eye has left. Our left eve is all
right. We have no g lpt but that the
right eye is yet in the vicinity, proba-
bic gone i'll to crafty its curiosity by
examining the structure of the brain.
We thought we felt it this morning.
rummaging around under the 0s f.r072t;s
or the mucus membrane, Or something
Of that kind, 1--WE are not entirely post
ed on medical termS} We couldn't
obey the command, "cast your eyes to
the light!| now, becau&e, in the first
place, we have only one left, and in the
second, we can't lock to the right, our
vast expanse Of cheek forming an insur-
mountahle barrier to the march Of the
line Of vision. We would be perfectly
willing to cast our right eye to the right,
if we had a right eye, but we havn't.-
We could only risk one on obeving the
command. We can see better behind
than before. La nautical parIance, rear
by-lett is our tavorite point Of obserya-
ton, as our remaining eye is by this
time located nearly over the left car.-
We couldn't see the right path iftherc
were thousand new Subscribers at the
end Of it. All, that's a ''tremenius
swellin'." FIVE could only get some
liquor merchant to 'reduce it." Bat
its like the Democratic candidates for
Congress; it won't ''come down."
Now, this dull, dreary, dozy, di<a-
greeable, disgusting day is particularly
dull to US. We don't read the newspa-
pers. We take q onesided view of
every question; which is 50 utterly at
variance with our course as a Journal
list, that we cannot do it. We won't
even read the New York Times, which
is two-sided. Besides it is somewhat
incOnvenient for us to read, as we are
obliged to hold the paper behind our
chair in order to see it. Sometimes we
sit with the left-rear corner Of our head
to the window, and look out, but see
as nobody passes on such a day
rs this. But, asks a dear friend, whv
don't you sleep? Because We can't.
Who can sleep with his eyes open, and
our one eye won't shut. Why don't
YOU drink that conso.atory whisky
punch? asks another. Because We can't
find our mouth. As We write, the swell
ing is shifting, and our left ear is where
the mouth used to be, but, although an
ear is an excellent article for drinking
sweet sounds, we never heard Of an ear
whisky-punch. Even if we