Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1858-09-28
POETRY.

~ Il i lG L
By Request.
Wanted--A Pastor.
We have been without PASTOR
Some eighteen months or more,
And though candidates are plenty
We've heard at least score,
All of them "tip-top' preachers,
Or SO their letters ran
We are just as far as ever
From settling on man.
The first who came among US
By no means was the worst,
But then we didn't think of him
Because he was the first;
1t being quite the custom
To sacrifice few
Before church in earnest
Determines what to do.
There was smart young fellow,
With serious, earnest way,
Who but for one great blunder
Had surely won the day;
Who left so good impression.
On Monday one or two
Went round among the people
To see if he would do.
The pious, godly portion
Had not fault to find
His clear and searching preaching
They thought the very kind,
And all went smooth and pleasant
Until they heard the views
Of some influential sinners
Who rent the highest pews.
On them his pungent dealing
Made but sorry hit;
The coat of gospel teaching
Wss quite too tight fit.
Of course his fate was settled.
Attend, We Parsons all!
And preach to please the sinners,
Ifyou would get a call.
Next came spruce young dandy
Who wore his hair too long;
Another's coat was shabby,
And his voice not very strong;
And one New Haven student
Was worse than all of those,
We couldn't hear his sermon
For tkmhing Of his nose.
Then wearying of candidates, .
We looked the country through,
Mid doctors and professors,
To find one that would do;
And after much discussion
On who should bear the ark,
With tOlsra6Ie agreement
We fixed on DR.. Parke.
Here then we thought it settled.
But were amazed to find
Our fattering invitation
Respectfully declined;
We turned to Dr. Hopkins
To help us in the lurch,
Who strangely thought that college
Had claims above "our church."
Next we despatched committees,
BY twos and threes, to urge
The labors for a Sabbath
Ola Rev. Shallow Splurge
He came-a marked sensation,
So wonderful his style,
Followed the creaking of his boots
AS he passed up the aisle.
His tones were so affecting,
His gestures so divine,
A lady tainted in the hymn
Before the second line,
And on that day he gave us,
In accents clear and loud,
The greatest prayer ever addressed
To an enlightened crowd.
s He preached double sermon,
And gave us angels food,
On such ajoyous topic,
'The Joy of Solitude"
All full of sweet descriptions
Of flowers and pearly streams,
Of warbling birds, and moonlit groves,
And golden sunset beams.
Of faith and true repentance
He nothing had to say;
He rounded all the corners,
And smoothed the rugged way;
Managed with great adroitness,
To entertain and please,
And leave the sinners conscience
Completely at its ease.
Six hundred is the salary
We had in former days,
We thought it very liberal,
And found it hard to raise;
But when we took the paper
We had no need to urge
To raise q cool two thousand
For the Rev. Shallow Splurge
In vain were all our etforts,
We had no chance at all,
We efound ten city churches
Had given him call;
And he in prayerful waiting
Was keeping all in tow,
But where they bid the highest
Twas whispered he would go.
And now good Christian brothers,
We ask your earnest prayers,
That God would send Shepherd
To guide our church affairs;
With this clear understanding,
A man to meet our views,
Must preach to please the sinners,
And fill the vacant pews.
One of the drollest occurrences in the ann
Of gallantry is related of Gibbon, the historic