The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1858-06-01
From the Home Journal.
Thirty Years an Old Maid.

exclaimed with ungodly emphasis, "Con-
found it! another girl n
In my behalf, Dame Grady gave him a
look at that moment that ought to have
annihilated him with its depreciating can.
dor, as he deposited n e, like a half stiAed
kitten, in the roomy depths of an easy
chair. Why didn't somebody take a scatf |
] have no particular delights associated
with those days and years Of my earliest
maidenhooa. I recollcct that I rebelled
furiously at the parental suggestions / re-
ceived by the channel Of slippers, whips
and whalebones, until, taking painfully
deliberate view Of myself in a mirror one
day, I came to the conclusion that, in
view Of my mousy hair, spotted nose and
porcine eyes, my mother had my sympa-
thies.
At the budding age Of fifteen, when tho
protective law ought to limit the liberties
Of young females 10 the area of a State
asylum, / was the fifth Miss Thompson,
and mighty discordant "ff,h" at that. /
recollect that on my first appearance in So
cicty I SO shocked parental propriety by
telling regular old Scoth terrier Of par
son that the angels in the "Court of Death"
looked insufferably bored, that I was warn
ed to keep myself in areas to society there
after, and cultivat, the .solemnities Of life
as would propagate my eyebrows.
Unfeeling parent! He touched my ten
der point then; for, up to that hour ! had
never discovered anything in my face, in
that locality, but broken arch Of downy
fur-very unpropitious as a symptom, and
as foundation utterly deficient Of hair
| dye or burnt cork. I seemed to me that !
stood in rather promising light as re-
garded that ultima thule Of young ladies'
hopes-matrimony and final settlement;
but / firmly made up my mind that need
not expect my four predecessors to be my
precedents in the matrimonial line, and so
prepared to launch forth. As the pater-
nal income was annually absorbed in "dry
goods, boots and Shoes" for the Thomp.
sons dynasty, / could not rely on the
"plum" in which, as some children take
pill, might be dextcriously administered
to some poor bilious soul; so, after fear
full pcrplexity, resolved to devote myself
to literature Shall / never forget my te-
dious jobs with Pope and Milton, my
ghostly encounters with the ancients, or my
abortive borings in "Whateley's Elements 7"
Many browse overlook me just as the fall
len angels assembled TO war, and never
found out who came off best, or even if
they fought mt all. Many time did /
plunge into the muddy depths Of sylogism,
and as regularly came up TO the surface
like puff ball. But my father began to
look upon me rs celebrity. / bore my
self with such inflated confidence, that !
have no doubt had / been cut off at that
rare riponcd state, the village cemetery
would have been adorned with my classic
bust reposing on perfect fortification OF
books, and literary pamphlets gracing my
head with tho drapcry. / cant ieep back
pitiful sigh sometimes, when think how
fruit loses its value when over ripened.-
Just as / had got into beseiging condition,
and had tortured my conversational impul-
siveness into intellectual gssps, took by
storm worthy Baptist minister.
Elder Borden was close mouthcd, close
listed, close communion Baptist. "Hard
SHE'LL" down on the littlo candidates fol
immersion, and rather contracted general
ly. He was so welded to the principle OF
needs being measured by means, that il
he had only fifty cents 10 spend on panta
looms ho would have rcligiously purchased
only fifty cents worth. Elder Borden did
not reach my standard. Although he was
grateful and refreshing to my thirsty vani
ty, and called me "Peli, pearl, plum and
pomegranite," most vehemently, had g
silly suspicion of bis sincerity; and in spite
Of my little pull backs in a personal way
} felt inclipcd TO be moro like other women
} Notwithstanding Elder Borden's gloomy
} hints that he should take the first opportu
} nifty of immersion in the mill race to bury
} his disappointment in six feet of water,
, assured him l was too young yet TO think
, of the connubal estate. The last / saw o.
Elder Borden, he went forth on gale o.
wind, his coat cleft like dilapidated pen
non, ard his battered heart comfortably
: enwrappcd in red fam el shirt, which
detected as it peeped out, greatly 10 hi
reverend discrcdt.
Ny next admircr was a dashing colonel
not quite accountable out of Jail, and viii
ling to dispense with any tedious process
Of courting. brought him low by {
bomb shell Of fattcry, and peppcrcd bin
with squibs of military etiquette; but nj
, he simultaneously offered himself TO every
lady at the barracks ! only pillaged hi
heart of all it ever held, and sold his Sc
: crets at profit. ~
My next lover was widower, ripe il
disrHpute, hoary in dissipation, and dis
tressed 70, wife, as, perhaps, you viii
complimentary infer. came near taking
him in my desperation. The dagucrrco
types Of his nine children touched me will
their professional dignity; and had he no
deliberately tilted me, I have no doubt
should have married him for bis offrontMy
and to secure tho joys Of ready made ma
ternity.
, We quarrelcd so foolishIy He loved
/ his glossy black hair, and so boldly repro
bated "dycing." As l detected lock o
8 variegated, purple, blue and black, ten
, derly asked memento during his tedious
, absence, and, with lack of policy nov
+. appreciate, plucked the curly falsehoot
: in his very face and eyes. thought
Q dismissed him, but believe he discharged
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