The Bedford gazette. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1805-current, 1858-04-09
AlisGelloneous.
now BEN PURTLE cor his WIFE.

HOW BEN PURILE CUT HIS WIFE.
The very climax OF ugliness was Ben Purtle.
He was red haired, and each hair stood as if it
cherished the suprenest contempt for its next
neighbor. His face was as freckled as the most
bespotted turkey egg. His nose supported at
the bridge large lump, while the end turned
viciously TO one side. His mouth had every
shape bat pretty shape. His form was as un-
couth as his face was ugly. The very climax
OF usiinrss was Ben Pnrtle-wbat was more
still, Ben had handsome, bouncing, blooming
wife-guoh as eau only be grown upon coun-
Try lawn.
Glow the deuce" said to Ben one day, ''did
YOU ever get such a wife. you uHcouth, missha-
pea, Guintsssence of monstrosity?"
Ben was not at all offended BY the inpeni-
nence Of my question, and forthwith began to
solve The mystery thus:
"Wel, now, gals that's sensible ain't colch-
ed BY none Of your purity, and hifalutin airs. -
I've seed that tried more'n once. You know
Kate was alters considered the purtieSt girl in
these parts, and all the young ttrrs in the
na5orhood used 10 Try 10 cotch her. Well,
used to 20 ever 10 old Sammy's TOO, Just TO kin
der look on, yan know, and cast sleeps eyes at
hate. But marsy sakes! had no more
thought that could get Kate Than a Jerusalem
cricket could hide n tie hair that wasn't on old
Sani's bald Lead-no stree. But sill couldn't
help going, an my heart would kinder lluttrr,
and my eyes would burn all over, whenever
I'd 60 TO talk with Katy. And one day when
Kate scrter made fun OF ne like, il almost killed
me sure; I went home with something like a
rock lostIing about il my breast, aud declared
I'd hang mgself with The Gr&i nla.a. L.. 7
i0und."
S.Did YOU hang voursef47
ssNo: daddy blazed out at me ior not taking
old Ball to the pasture in the morning and scar
ed me 50 that forgot IT,"
$50 on,'' said ], seeing Ben pause W ith ap-
parent regret that he had not executed his
vow.
"WelI, 50 one Mouday morning-1 reckon
il was a year after that hanging -sciape)-l cot
up and scraped my face with dads old razor;
and put on my new copprus brjtches and new
lnsey coat nanny had dyed with sassaiias
bark, and went over 10 Uncle Sdmmy's. Now
I'd got TO loving Kate like all creation, but
never cheeped 10 any body about my feelings.
Bat knowed l was on the right side OF The
old lolks."
"Yell, now, amt il queer" continued Ben,
show a TELLER will feel sometimes? Some
thing seemed to say as l went along, Ben
Purtle this is great day for you, and then my
heart Jumped and nultered like iay-bird in
trap. And when | got there and seed Kate
with her new checked homesTun frock on, I
rally thought should take The blind staggers,
anyhow"
Ben Taused again 10 brush the fog from his
eyes, and then continued:
ssW-l, found the order Of the day, was 10
90 r.u>cadine hunting. Joe Sharp and his
two sisters, and Jim Bowlrs was thar. I'd
knowed long time that Sharp was right after
KATE, and | hated him worse than hog hates
TO fnJ bis way out ola tater patch bot didn't
let on. Sharp had on white britches and fine
shoes, and broad cloth oyercoat, but everybody
knowed he wasn't worth red cent. He walk
ed y ilh Kate, and you ought to hav seen the
airs lie put on. 1t Was Miss Kate this, and
Miss Kate that, and all such nonsense. After
a while we come near slough whar we had TO
cross on a log, and I'd notion TO pitch the
sassy good-for- nothing into the water" "Why
didn't yea"
''Slop never mind," said Ben, giving me a
nudge, "Providence done that all up Brown.
Nothing must do but Joe Sharp must lead Miss
Kate across fust. He jumped The log in
high glee and took Hates hand, and they put
off. jest as they got half way across, iarna-
ton big bull frog jumped off into the water
YOU know how they holer-sSnakes' screamed
the fool, and knocked Kate off up to her waist
10 the nasty, black, muddy water. And what
dye think be done Why run backwads and
ioreds, hollering for a pole 10 help Kate out
of the water. Kate looked at me-, and | couldn't
stand II no longer. Curchuck lii ten feet from
the bank at the FIRST jump, aud had Kate out Of
;here in no time. And dye think the scamp
didn't come up after we'dg got out, and said +:
.-Are you hurt, Miss Kate 2?
only dander was up. / couldn't stand ii /
cotched him by the seat Of his white britchcs
and his coat collar, and gin bin toss Maybe
he didn't 60 clear under when he bit the water.
/ didn't see him oul. Me and Kate put for the
house. When We started off, Kate said p
Ben, jast let me hold on 10 yoar arm,
kinder feel sorter weak
'.Great Jifniny felt so guar when she took
hold, / tried to say something nice, but my drot-
ted mouth would not 60 off, no how But
felt as strong as an elephant, and helped Kate
along. Bimeby Kate said
Ben, that Joe Sharp's good for nothing
sneaking, ccwardIy nobody ef he ever puts hl
heed inside Of our house again, I'll sou8e hin