The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-08-07
HOW TO WARN UP OLD MAIDS,
ny QHAILS.

| .sgs aTuts 'F -EEtE ~ EG F.
Old maids are unfortunately n class Of
persons that often have to bear up the foun-
dation for many u good joke. We occa-
sionally meet with lively good-natured
laughter loving spinster, who is nm honor
! to her sex, andthe community in which sbo
resides-havins perhaps, lost her intended, j.,
or been disappointed in the Object Of her af-
fcctions when young; but old maids, as n
general thing, are a lee-tle inclined to pos
sess talking, mischief disposition.
and perfect dctcstation and horror of
everything in the shape of mirth, conyiyiali-
ty and a peaceful society.
The latter class probably played the CO.
quette when young and blooming enough to
attract the attention Of the gay Lotharios.
and as they have since seen their former ad.
nirers become united in the holy bonds of
matrimony with homespun girls-whom
they considered far their interiors in point
of beauty, education and reincment-per-
haps 1t is natural, rs they see the bright ill.,
tcliigent faces of those chubby little child
rem, that might have been thcirs-peri.aps
under these circumstances, it is natural for
them to wish to make all about them Is mis-
cradle rs they are themselves.
With this introduction to our subject. wo
will now Introduce to the reader, our hero
inc, dark complcxioncd, thin, (rcrv Min,l
tall and cadavcrous looking old maid Of
about forty-fv years Of age, having long
thin hawk-jll! nose, sunken eyes, small
puckering mouth, and forehead so william
ously low that the hair, through comps s.ion.
came down within about two inches of tho
eyebrows. z..-s g.
IN tho same neichborhood where resided
this strikingIy beautiful spinster. there was
IL happy, lang hterloving, jolly old bachelor
known as Maj. P, who WAS worth
from twenty to thirty thousand dollars, and
who, like all such characters, was a great
favorite Of the entire population, counting
from the minister down to the marble-play-
ing youths in the street. . .,-,.,-..' :. .
1t had long been noticed, that notwith-
st 'nding the spinster had always comment
cd severely on the frivolity of every one else.
she could never be drawn in the same chan:
mel when speaking of the gay, lively, old
bach; he was always right--gay, happy old
bov! 20
Some whispered merely to see the effect.
for they knew there was no truth 10 it
that the Major had some serious intentions
OF committing matrimony with The old maid;
and rs these stories occasionally came to
her ears, they Of course only encouraged
her in ripening her plot to waylay the
Major. -,
As the evening of the glorious, nevcr-to-
be-forgottcn fourth Of July came round, the
villagers all assembled on the green, to
witness the ascent of some half dozen rock.
cts, and the explosion Of as many more ser
pcnts, torpcdoes, and goose qnill pop guns;
but the evening being excessively warm,
few ladies were able to remain on their feet
without the assistance of their gay Lothari-
os, who, OF course, under the circumstances,
found no fault with the weather.
But alone and unaidcd, the spectral spins
ter man,tully bore herself up amid the
crowding mass, as they moved to and fro in
the sweltering heat; but finally catching
view OF the Major, she made ''bee line''
for the spot where he was standing, and af-
ter gently slipping her arm within h,s,
sweetly whispered .-r .6 .z.E|.
''Major, ! have been repeatedly applied
to this evening, to accept the attentions Of
the different members of the masculine gen
der; but my peculiar conceptions of the ap-'
proprlate conduct of gentleman, are 50
much at variance with the prevalent opin-,
ion of the young, giddy Airts Of the day, that
really Malor-ycu must forgive me, but
shHSs ""fluiy and frivolous crowd can ac-
cept for my bosom friend, protector and
attendant |'E" VT
''Ahem!" says the. Major; ssI certa,nlv
feel battered to know that enjoy your con-,
fdence, but-ah!-reaIly, you must ex-
cuss''-
''Don't say another word, Major: don't
say word-lk know that your heart is in tho
right place, and that oh, that is enough for
me.-thc emotions of my violent thrOb-
bings, tell me in language stronger than
words, that if your feelings could lind utter
anee, you would exclaim-'sTheresa, let Us
retire on the banks Of some lovely stream,
beneath the lumbruceous influences of the
vcrdant air, and there exchange our thoughts
in peace and quietudc-shut out from the
cold, unfccling everyesccnce of the tattling
community but don't, Major--don't speak
of these things here! NV emotions are al
ready more than can bear; but privately,
my dear, don't you think person Of my
peculiaritics and temperament, is well cal
culatcd for the endetring and responsible
situation Of--of--a WIFE" ... - ..- so,
Before the Major could make his reply,
the two were entirely surrounded by the
originators of the prosecutions; but pretend
ing to be unware Of their presence, the gal
liant old bach loudly replied = rs .@, -.
''Ycs, Miss Theresa; | should think you
would make an excellent wife; or that is;
one kind of wife. l suppose, however,
it is a somewhat difficult thing to find any
one woman who would preserve an equilib-
rum in all temperatures; but you would
make an excellent cold wife-calculatc for
hot weather--unsurpasse in the world: but
if you ever get married, for the sake Of hu-
manity and your unfortunate victim, be sure
and apply for divorce in the fall.' =.
The old maid dropped the Majors arm,
and dnrted out Of the crowd like a tele-
graphic despatch, exclaiming in the sharp
tones Of anger Ina. 90, --s. .g7-s,, .s.'.-
s.CoM wifc-umph! Cold wife indeed;
III let him see whether Pm cold or not
lll make this town too hot to hold his old
bachelor carcasc--see if don't-cold wife
indeed! Pl!-lll-o-oh gra-shus." r.- "a,