Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1858-05-20
PLEASANT PARAGRAPHS.
EWith what musical instrument would
you catch fish! Castanet.

Oysters, because they are always found in
beds.
erA tailor who, in skating, fell through
the ice, declared that he would never again
leave hot goose for a cold duck.
GA coquette may be compared to tin
der, which catches sparks, but does not al
ways succeed in lighting match.
FIf you have a friend that will reprove
your faults and loibles, consider you enjoy
blessing which the President of the Uni
ted States cannot have.
TAn old bachelor says that If young
lady has purse with two ends-silver in
one and gold in the other-she is sure to
open tie gold end FIRST.
@In state of mental absence, young
man demanded the hand of a young lady,
and only perceived his error when he got
her fathers foot instead.
GA country editor thinks that Colum-
bus is not entitled to much credit for dis
covering America, as the country is so
large he could not well have missed it.
@A Mr.. Pea has been indicted for
whipping his wife and children. No doubt
he thinks it a hard case that a maD can.
be allowed to thrash his own Peas.
GA cobler, who also professed to teach
music, had the following sign over his door:
'.DeIightful task to mend the tender boot,
And teach the young idea how 10 flute"
@"I repeat" said a person Of suss-
tionable veracity, "that / am AL honest
m an" "Yes," was the reply, sand how
often will you repeat it before you believe
it yoursell!"
GA merry Andrew, on being asked
why he played the fool, replied, "For the
same reason that you do-oui of want; you
do it for want of wit, and do it for want
of money"
@When you have quarreled with any
body, and lawyer urges you to go to law
to redress your wrongs. you may remember
the dog, who said so to the cat, and then
ran of with her dinner.
GA wise man, says Seneca, is provided
for occurrences OF any kind; the good he
manages, the bad he yanquishes; in pros
perity he betrays ne presumption; in ad-
versity he feels no despondeLcy.
OJWe love the Turkish admiration for
beauty, which prompts the Ottoman, when
ever he meets thar paragon of beauty,
pretty woman, to cast u? his eyes to heaven
and exclaim, s.Preised be Allah, that gave
US beautiful, maidens."
rTwo Irishmen were in prison, the
one for stealing COW, and the other for
stealing a watch. "HaIo, Mike, what
O'Clock is it!" said the cow-stealer to the
other. "An' sure, Pat, haven: any time
piece handy; but think it is most milking
time!'
OcrThe Home Journal man does not liks
the new blouse worn by the ladies, and
charges, with less than his usual galantry,
that it is nothing but "a colored modifica-
lion of gentleman's shirt" Don't be
mean modification of a colored gen.le-
mans shirt!
0JThe celebrated DR.. Hunter, whom
Aoernethy, in one of his arid veins, term
ed the English Blood Hunler," when start
ing in life. gave lectures. His first lecture
was attend only by the porter. 'John."
said the great man, unmose9 by the cir
take that skeleton down, that
may say with propriety-Gen,lemen."
REFINEMENr-The Boston Transcript
says: "One Irish girl left her situat ation as
soon as she discovered that tie house was
not supplied with water pipes. She said
sShe could not remain in a family that were
so old-fashioned as to pump the water they
used.' In another instance foreign maid
left good place because she said She had
alwavs been accustomed to live with people
who used their silver tea-set every day.
She therefore declined place where the
silver tea-set was used only on exit occa-
sions."
"Hrs LITTLE FAILIyGs "--"My James 10
a very good boy" said an old lady, "but he
has his little tailings. for none of US are
perfect. He threw the cat in the fire, flung
his grandfather wig into the cistern, put
his daddy's powder-horn in The stove, tied
the coffee pot to Jowler's tail. let off squibs
in the barn, and took my cap-bobbin for
fshing-lines; but these are only childish
follies-he's an excellent boy, alter all.
IMPORTANT TO SCHOoLMAsrERs.-Tob be
sold, ,hreshing machine, in good working
order; has birch, cane, and strap barrels
WarraDted to lick school of fifty boys in
twenty minutes distinguishing their offences
into literary, moral, and impertinent. Only
parted with because the owner has fiogged
all his school away. Apply at the College
of Preceptors.
OFBad spelling is sometimes the best.as
in the case of the beer-vender. who wrote
over his shop doop, "Bs0r sold here" man.
Ifestly implying that it was own BraiH.--
Not less igeniou, was the device of the
quack, who announced in his hand bills that
he could instantly cure the most obstinate
"aguews," thus satisfactorily showing that
ne was no conjurer attempting to cure them
by spell.
HFAn old baron who had lost an eye in
the wars, had glass one, which his page
used to take away on plate every night
1t happened that the page in question be-
ing absent, another fellow. an entire novice
in the affair, was employed to supply his
place. The old gentleman gave without
any ceremony his glass eye to his new ser
want. As the fellow did not move, The mas
ter said, Friend, what do you wait for!"-
I. For tother eve" replied he.