Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-09-01

best giG: OF lis Providence
Ny HEARERS: No rational man ev-
er yet had even soft she'll doubt crawl
into his mind that q good wife is a
good thlng-article, utensil or 'sinstitu-
ton"
This being conceded, we arrive at a
start-point Our text says, my unwed-
ded he-brethren; you must seek good
Wlie-the best gift Of Gods providence
of the great Disposer Of human
events and marriageable women.-
That's so. Bylooking to such a source,
you are sure to get one Of the right
stamp, containing the pure metallic
nng,-not one composed Of counterfeit
virtues, or made of zinc and pewter
pretensions. And, what is more, it
isn't going to cost You anything, Meth
er at the beginning nor at the end, ex-
cept new salt Of clothes, a plain gold
rlng, and t+n dollar piece for the
parson-which il my standard price,
and "I'Il have have no more and never
take cent less"
The Devil, my beloved bachelors,
always has great deal Of feminine
truck IN the market for which you have
to pay pretty roundly or let alone
Generally speaking, to get one of his
sort, you must show a pletholic purse
in the beginning, and give it a good
sweat at the start-and this, brethren,
Is the literal meaning Of that Greek
quotation, ''thc DEVILS to pay.' At
terWards, your purse will probably
sweat itself into a galoping consump-
ton, and dissolve and disappear, like
the baseiess fabric Of a vision," or a
pound Of salts in a quart Of warm wa
ter. Then q dark cloud will lower over
your shanty; love, if it ever gained a
resistance i'll your hearts, will Suddenly
emIgrate from such an artic region
want and Wretchedness will stare YOU
III the countenanco, like a couple OF
cat-oWls watching a gopher by moon
highland unless relieved by divorce,
the devil gets a pair Of You in the end.
My friends: every man, be he good
or bad, should have good wife. IF
he be good, she will make him q still
better member Of society; if bad, but
not wholly beyond redemption, good
wife VIII put new surface on him in
SIX weeks; and at the end Of o single
year, he will have undergone such a
thorough renovation that he won't
know himself from the seventh com
mandment. If thou art given to fret
ting, and don't know what to fret about
1t Is well to provide thyself with home
and furnish It with . good wife and a
very few little white-headed et-cgteras
then, verify, thou canst fret to thy
sonps content, and the good wife will
probably heed it not, but let it run it.
self out-as it most assuredly " Ill, in
time, Thou shalt fret.
1st, Because the fashions change
with every moon, and it takes too
much change Il keep a wife rugged ac-
cording to Gumtcr.
2nd. Because red flannel pctticoat
even to think about, is worse than the
seyen-year itch.
81. Because the hoops to the vine
gar-barrel are always flying of. and
wife wants coopering every two
months.
9Th. Because the coffee IS too deli
cate, and butter too robust: eggs inter
estlng geological specimens: meat not
cooked-cookcd to a cinder: potatoes
soggy; tarnips pithy; pie-crust hammer
ed out at the blackSTnitIl7s. and the
shortening omitted Oh account q It's
extreme length.
5th. Because the children's faces
are 50 dirty they will never be able to
speak English.
9th. Because there is nothing in its
place, but the cat is in the niIk-pitch-
pail.
But, as before-said, thy fretting will
run itself out in time, If not mcddled
with; and thou shalt afterwards become
worthy Of the good wife, who has not
only borne it all without a mnrnur.
ike duck in a hail storm, but, with
thousand apologies, garnished with the
sweetest Of smiles, promises an extra
endeavor to suit you for the future.
Worthy bachelors: seek good wife
Of your God, and yon viii find it An ea-
81 matter 70 scare NJ one What I