The star of the north. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1849-1866, 1858-03-31
"IF | WERE A MAN."


I set the beaver-hatted population an exam
pie of brilliant perfection ! Wouldn't
make myself generally agreeable to ali the
ladies, and talk 10 'em as if they had souls
above bonnets What glorious man
should make
wouldn't stand on the hotel steps and
puff clouds OF villaneous tobacco smoke in
to the eyes of all the pretty girls that go past
nor spit on the pavements TO spoil their lit
tie shoes and injure their tempers.
wouldn't set my huge heel down on the
trains Of their silken dresses, 10 tear 'em
half off; and | think-l'm not quite sure
but hinks-Pd knock down the first brute
who dared TO complain of the circupfer
ence Of their garments
And when they come into a car or omni
bus, wouldn't stick my nose into news
paper, or look abstractedly out of the win
dow, nor get up grumbling, " Always the
way with women !" Not bit of it IL
spring up like a patent India-rubber.ball
and if the old bachelor on the rieAt-hand
side, and the spruce clerk on tie left-hand
side, didn't congress themselves into the
smallest possible space, 10 make room fol
the crinolines, I'd know the reason why
And then, when | get married (for tc
what end was | created, if not 10 pay the
miliner's bills of some blessed little bit o
womankind, wouldn't make model hus.
band Do you suppose should bother hel
sweet life ont of her, by grumbling because
a paltry button had dropped off a shirt col.
lar, or string off a dickey? Do you think
I'd explode like a camphene lamp every
time found rip in my gloves I'd like
to see myself STOPPING to any such little.
ness.
wouldn't consult the almanac every time
she bought new bonnet, to see Just how
many weeks she had worn the old one
and wouldn't snarl like cross tiger.cat
whenever the coffee happened 10 be cold
or the beaf-steak raw, just as if | wanted her
to abase herself in dust and ashes, and burn
up her rosy little face before the kitchen
fire while sat with my heels on the table
reading the paper in the next room. |
wouldn't use profane language when she
asked me to button up her sweet little gai-
tor-boots, or fasten her gloves, or even to
carry her parcels down Broadway, on a
rainy day-which last consider 10 be an
inialliable test of patience and meekuess.
] weu~ln't gorge myself with wine and
nd ,f f,o
town restaurant, while my wife dlned at
home on cold mutton, and then look as
black as an over-charged thuddercloud,
when the grocer's little bill" came in
wouldn't expend small fortune in dia.
mond shirt-studs, extravagant broad.cloth,
and fancy canes and then mutter about
"hard times" when she ventured to ask
me for half dollar to buy check for the ba.
by's aprons!
And rather think I'd go shopping with
her too, when she limited TO that effect, in
stead of inventing excuses about Smith, or
Brown, or the club--aye, and pay her bills,
too, without screwing up my mouth as if |
had the cramp in my face !! And if she
looked into shop window and admired a
thirty-dollar collar, I'd walk straight in and
buy it for her, instead of feigning to be abb
sorbed in the signs opposite, and "forget,
ing to hear'' what she said.
When came home at night, wouldn't
make a bear of myself, behind the evening
paper and answer savagely, when she tim
idly asked what l was reading, Womc,l
can't understand politics ~ No, indeed -
would read her all the anecdotes, play
with the children, pull the Pussy's ears, and
tell her how becoming her new silk was
That's the way to keep the woman good
natured, take my word for it and what pref.
tier sight is there in the world than good.
humored woman9 Mind, don't ask the in.
corrigible old bachelors; first, because il
isn't any of their business, and second, be-
cause they're not judges of the article. But
put the question 10 any sensible fellow be.
tween the ages of eighteen and twenty eight
and see what he'll say!
I'd make point of always asking my
wife's advice, before went to vote, and
doing just as she said about it-then I'd be
sure TO be always Eight. And if any bach.
elor friend of mine had the impudence to
ask me to an oyster supper, without inclu.
ding my vile in the invitation, do you sup.
pose I'd go? Ask my mother-in-law about
that
wouldn't go to evening parties, and flirt
desperately with other ladies', and talk about
"my poor, dear wife, whose ill health pre-
cluded her enjoyment of society,"" when
knew very we'll that she was sitting at home
alone with the cat, and crying her eyes out,
over one Of my ragged old coats.
Good gracious, what wide field for i'm
provemen, there is among the benighred
sons of Adam! 1t puts me completely out
of breath TO think of half the reforms I'd
make. Oh, if | only were man
SHIRELY