The weekly Portage sentinel. [volume] (Ravenna, Ohio) 1854-1861, 1858-07-22
"IrIwerc a MAN.

PIC VI oIllIdut PeIIeCtlOns WOutdn Whkt
myself generally agreeable TO all the la
dies, and talk to 'em as il they had souls
above bonnets! What a glorious man /
should make!
l wouldn't stand on the hotel steps and
puff clouds Of vilainous tobacco. smoke into
the eyes Of all the pretty girls that 90 past,
nor spit on the pavement to soil their little
shoes and injure their tempers.
l wouldn't set my huge heel down on the
trains OF their silken dresses, to tear 'em half
off; and think, I'm not quite sure, but l
thlnk-I'd knock down the first brute who
dared complain of the circumference OF
their garments! .........
And when they come into car or omni-
bus, wouldn't stick my nose into news
paper, or look abstractedly out of the win.
dow, nor get up grumbliDg, "Always the
way with women!" Not a bit of it! I'd
spring like patent India rubber ball, and il
the old bachelor on the right hand side, and
the spruce clerk on the left hand side, didn't
compress themselves into the sma Hest pos
sible space, to make room for the crinolines,
I'd know the reason why!
And then, when go, married (for to what
end was ] created, if not to pay the MILL.
ner's bill OF some blessed little bit of wo.
mankindD wouldn't make a model hus.
band! Do you suppose should bother her
sweet life out Of her, by grumblng because
Paltry button had dropped off shirt collar,
or string off dickey! Do you think I'd
explode like camphene lamp every time
found a rip in my gloves! Id like to see
myself STOPPING to any such littleness.
wouldn't consult the almanac every
time she bought new bonnet, to see just
how many weeks she had worn the old one;
and wouldn't snarl like a cross tiger.cat
whenever the coffee happened to be cold or
the beefsteak raw, just as if wanted her to
abase herself in dust and ashes; and burn up
her rosy little face before the kitchen fire,
while l sat with my heels on the table, read.
ing the paper, in the next room. wouldn' t
use profune language when she asked me to
button up her sweet little gaiter boots, or
fasten her gloves, or even to carry her par.
GELS down Broadway, on ruiny day--which
last consider to be an infullible test Of pa.
tience and meekness.
wouldn't gorge myself with wine, and
oysters, and cigars at fashionable down.
town restaurant, while my wife dined at
home on cold mutton, and then look as
black as an overcharged thunder-cloud,
when the grocer's "little bill" came in;
wouldn't expend small fortune in diamond
shirt-studs, extravagant broadcloth, and fan
cy canes, and then mutter about hard
timcs," when she ventured to ask for half
dollar to buy check for the baby's aprons!
And rather think I'D 60 shopping with
her, too, when she limited to that effect in
stead of inventing excuses about Smith,
Brown, Or the club-aye, and pay her bills,
too, without screwing up my mouth as if
had the cramp in my face! And il she look
ed into shop window and admired thirty
dollar collar, I'D walk strait in and buy it for
her, instead Of feigniDg to be absorbed in
the signs opposite, and forgetting to hear"
what she said.
When came home at night, I wouldn't
make bear of myself, behind the evening
paper and answer savagely, when she tim
idly asked what was reading, "pomen can't
understand politics !" No, indeed would
read her oil the anecdotes, play with the
children, pull the pussy's ears, and tell her
how becoming her new silk was. That's
the way to keep the women good natured,
take my word for it; and what prettier sight
is there in all the world than good humor-
ed woman! Mind, don't ask the incorrig-
ible old bachelors; first, because 1t isn't any
of their business, and second, because
they're not judges Of the article. But put
the question to any sensible fellow between
the ages Of eighteen and twenty eight, and
see what he'll soy !!
I'd make a point of always asking my
wife's advice before went to vote, and do.
ing just as she said about it-then I'd be
sure to be always right. And il any bach
elor friend Of mine had the impudence to
ask me to an oyster supper, without inclu-
ding my wife in the invitation, do you sup.
pose I'D go! Ask my mother-in-law about
that.
wouldn't 60 to evening parties, and flirt
desperately with other ladies, and talk
about "my poor, dear wife, whose i'll health
precluded her enjoyment of society,"" when
knew very we'll that she was sitting
home alone with the cat, and crying he
eyes out over one of my old ragged coats.
Good gracious what Q wide field for i'm
provement there is among the benighte'
sons of Adam! 1t puts me completely ou
of breath to think Of half the. reforms T.,
make. oh! if I were only a man
-s@esA-
6FA gentleman Of the name of man, resi-
ding near private mad house, met one 0
its poor inhabitants who had broken from
his keeper. The maniac suddenly stopped
and resting upon large stick, exclaimed
Who are you, sir Z" The gentleman wa
rather alarmed; but, thinking to divert hi
attention BY pun, replied, ~ am doubl
man; am Man by name, and a man b,
nature" care you sol" rejoined the other
ISGuhS I am n vnav bn.:Ia vo,,aaH snI - =.