American union. [volume] (Morgantown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1855-1859, 1858-12-03
From the Knieherboeker, for Dec,
DOCTOR PILLARIUS.


with his feet over the furnace fue in
his little fourth-story back room, look
ing the picture of detection.
He was sprig-looking fellow, too,
only just now he was quite wiltcd down
like tender lettuce plant. 1t was as
If the sun of life had risen upon him
so fast, that its noon day beams had O.
yertaken him i'll his juicy state, before
he had elaborated the fibre to resist it.
Some one knocked at his door, and
Immediately entered. 1t was thick
set, stupid looking individual, who
could not open his puffy eyelids more
than quarter Of an inch. He was
young; not more than twenty-one.
"You look stupid to-day, Tim," re,
marked the newcomer.
"Stupid! yes. How's fellow 60
ing to be anything else, with no pros
poets in life ?
"Wy don't you do suthinruther to
raise the wind?"
do? I should thing you knew me
well enough to know I'd do anything,
and that | have done everything al
most. Haven't I followed up ali the
helresses going, spending a mint of
money on taking coats and false
mustashes? Haven't speculated in
stocks to my last dollar? Haven't 1
had enough sinecure clerkships when
ever my political cousin would give me
q lift? Haven't l come it over this
one and that one, in one capacity or
other, till every body knows me q? Now
Id like you to tell me what's left for
me to do? Show me tho thing and I'll
DO it like man, especially if its in the
humbug line"
"You haint tried your hand at any
universal med Gin yet. Wy don't you
invent suthinruther, and dose the peo-
plo?"
"Lord, Tub! you startle mel
You've eliminated an idea I'll work
it up into practical form! I'll act up
on it III rise upon it I'll make my
fortune! I'll build on the Avenue !"
"Mind you, Tim: 1 go shares !"
ooh! yes My good fellow, / never
thought you would give light before
you were killed and boiled down like a
whale ; but you have actually got a
blazing with wit. For you to kindle
such spark !"
eyes: do have bright idea now
and then but [ don t get the credit
deserve for it,"
"No more you do. Come on, let's
fix this business up. I'll brush my
hair up so; blue specs; high cravat.
Let's see some good hints can be got
out of the 'Pickwick Papers, l think !:
that Bob Sawyer, you know; but that'll
DO another time. Then We must get
an office. III write write poetical ad-
vertlsements, like that Dance of the
Cripples ;
And the song they sang as round they went,
Was, Brownie Rheumatic Linmentn"
eyes; but we've got to have ref.
erences~somc retired clergyman ruth
er."
"No: we can't have him; somebody
else has got him. I'll employ we'll.
known lawyer"
"Wy, you're stupid Common folks
cant bear lawyers"
"Well then o distinguished profes.
sor in one of our colleges that'll do"
"And I'll be the Professor"
"That won't do. Anybodyto look a
you might think my medicine contain
ed too much opium. Besides you're too
young for distinguished professor"
"I'll take lodgings as prof, and 90
for one with some little fool of land.
lady"
81 see / see Folks call on prof,
for puff of medicide prof always out,
taking walk for hoalth. Folks leave
note: | answer it. That'll do Now
what shall we concoct ~
"Mercury; that's the stock in trade
for doctors"
~ say, old fellow, I've n grain of
conscience left. Mcrcury's rayther
powerful. Let's have things that are
harmless"
swell I've heard my mother say to
folks 'Tako n little salts: if they
don t do good, at any rate they won't
hurt anybody" 4"
Put down salts. What else ? ]
hav'nt taken a dose since | got too
strong to have my nose held, and /