The Placer herald., 1858-09-25
Old Bill Wallis, the Ugly Man.


nary mother like me! Pm crowd by my
SELF l alters was. The fust know'd of it,
tho, was when was bout ten years old. I
went down to the spring branch one mornin',
to wash my face, and l looked at the water,
seed the shadder of my face. Great God,
how run back, hollern' for nanny, every
Jump That's the last time seen my face
darsn't but shet my eyes when 60 bout
water."
"Dont you use glass when you shave?"
inquired.
"Glass! Zounds What glass could stand
it?-'twould bust it if it was an inch thick.
Glass-psh"
Lucy told her father it was too bad, and
that he knew it was no such thing and the
old man told her she was sassy wretch,
and to hold her tongue
YES, he continued, its so; havn't seen
my face in forty years, but | know how it
looks. Well, when I growed up, thort it
would be the devil to find a woman that'd
be willn' to take me ugly as | was
oh, you was not SO uncommon hardfavor-
ed when you was young man. said old
Mrs. Wallis.
'Oncommon! I tell you when was ten
years old, fly wouldn't light on my face
and it can't be much wuss now! Shet up
and let me tell the squire my experiance.'
It's no use put in Lucy, 'to be running
ones own self down that way, daddy. 1t
amt right
Running down. Thunder and lightnin',
Lucy. you'll have me as good-lookin' directly
as John Bozeman, your sweetheart
AS he said this, old Bill looked at me, and
succeed ip half covering the ball of his left
eye, by way of wink. Lucy said no more.
The old man continued:
We'll, hard as | thort it 'ud be to get a
wife, fust thing | knowed, had Sally here,
and she is, or was, as pretty as any of them
Old Mrs. Wallis knitted convulsively, and
coughcd slightly.
However, she never kissed me afore we
was married, and it was long time after
atore she did. The way of it was this; we
had an old one-ho:ned COW mighty onnery
Ordinary looln', old as the north star, and
oor as black snake. One day | went
out to the lot
Daddy, wouldn't tell that exclaimed
Lucy i'll the most persuasive tones.
'Drot ef | don't lho--its the truth, and ef
you don't hold still, III send for Bozeman
to hold you tight in the corner
Lucy pouted little and was silent.
Yes, went out TO the lot, and thar, sure
as life, was my old oman, swung to the COW,
and the old thing flynn round and cuttin' up
all sorts Of shines. Ses |, what are you up
to old oman" And with that she let 90,
and told me she was tryin' to practice kissin'
on old 'Cherry;' and she thort arter that she
could make up her mind to kiss me"
Odd man, you made that? I've hearn
you tell it afore-but you made it, said the
old lady.
well, well. told her. squire ses I, come
down to it now.-hold your breath!-and
upon that she bussed SOS you might heard
it quarter, and since nobody's had better
kissn' than me. Now, that was my first
experience about bein' ugly. arter l was
grown, and 'twant so bad neither!
The next time my ugly features came into
play, was in Mobile, was you ever thar?
Worst place on the green yearth; steam boats,
oysters, free niggers, furriners, brick houses
hell. that's the place. l went down on
a flat boat from We:umpky, with old John
Todd We had a fust-rate time of it, tell
we got most to Mobile, and then the steam
boats would run so close to us, that the
soshin' would pretty nigh capsse us. They
done it for devilment. My! how old John
cussed. but it done no good. At last, ses l,
Pl try 'em: eff thar's emmy strength in cussin',
I'll make them ashamed. So the next one
come along cavortin' and snortin' like it was
gwine right into us, and did pass in twenty
foot. l riz light up on a cotton bag, and ses
l to the crowd-which there was most
almighty one on the guards of the boat
you great Internal, racket-maEn', smokin',
snortin', hell-trottin' sons of thunder
'Afore I could get any further in my Gus
sin, the crowd gave the most tremenius,
yearth-shakin' howl that ever was hearin-
and one feller, as she was broad side with us,
hollered out, It's the old be ugly himself!
Great Cd, what a mouth! With that,
thar was somethin' raned and ratified in our
boat like hail, only heavier, and directly me
and old John picked up level peck of buck
horn handled knives! Pllbe darn'd this mint
if we didn'tr
Old Mrs. Wallis looked to heaven, as if ap-
peang there for the forgiveness of some
great sin her ugly consort had committed;
but she said nothing.
so | lost nothin' by ben' ugly that time.
Arter | got into Mobile, however, l was
bothered and pestered by the people stop
pin in the street to look at me-all dirty
and light wood-smoked as l was from beina'
on the boat
4 think I'd cleaned up little, nterposed
tidy Lucy.
odd 'oman. aint you got nary cold tater
to choak that gal with? Well they'd look
at me the hardest you ever seen. But got
ahead Of my story. A few days afore thar
had been boat busted and bean of reopla