Monmouth weekly herald. [volume] (Freehold, N.J.) 1854-1860, 1858-12-30
Dulllorous gkettb.
A LoAFER,s EXPERIENCE.

An original specimen of the loafer
tribe was arrested as vagrant by one oil
the New York Metropolitans and brought
before Justice Osborne. On being asked
the usual questions, how he obtained a
livelihood, he told the following story
!" | am not to blame, your Honor, be
cause ! cannot earn living. | never
did earn my living. / have been unfor
tunate all my life. Even when baby,I II
lost part Of one Of my ears by falling out
of the cradle on to the sharp side Of d.
lapidated coal bod. Afterwards, atvari-
Gus times, ! fell into kettle Of hot soap
sads, pulled a barrel Of potatoes on to my
head, and cooked the whole of my inter-
nal machine, by drinking boiling water
from the spout Of the tea-kettle. Indeed
met with more than the usual assert
ment Of boyish fnisfortunes besides the
usual accidents which happen to all mas
culine Juveniles, of being blown up with
Egunpo%der on the Fourth Of July. and
breaking their necks slipping down on
Christmas. At one time | had this hand
(holding up the rightsone) mutilated by o.
planning machine, had my hair cut off by
circular saw, was carried from the eel
lar to the fourth story of acotton factory,
heels upward, on the hook Of the hosting
rope which had caught in my pantafoons.
was wE4Tied around machine drawn
Fly gutta percha belt which tangled my
hair, and which reyoIved me for fifteen
minutes, at the rate of=seven times a sec
ond, lost two fingers in a threshiDg ma
chine, had my foot mashed by Third
Avenue car, and was once ran away with
a locomotive engine. which | had started
and didn t know how to stop. When it
came time for me to go.iflto business for
myself, | set up insthe apple and peanut
trade, but the boys kicke over my stand
and stole all my stock. | then acquired
new capital by begging pennies on tie.
corners aud went into the baslad business.
l arranged my literary stock on the Gu. b
Fstone, but high wind scattered my hopes
aud songs together saw d chinney
sweep walk oil with Jessie, the F.owu1
Of Duhblane.' a lat comltryman stamped
The Bold Soldier Boy Mary Biane.'
and the Seven Ages, into tire mud ii
ragged newsboy ran away with Kath
leen Mayourneen, a candy girl elopeu
with Ben Bolt Yankee Sailor, am
Lord Lowell The rest Of my property
disappeared in ike manner, AID all lhat
lshad left TO me was single copy of
Billy Lackaday,' and two Of Beautiful
Jenny, traded Billy 70 penny cigar,
which ! lighted with BeautitlI Jenny, ana
prepared to start in life again. / then
went Into the plaster image business, but
the boys spoiled my assortment by steal
Ing my Napoleous' TO throw stones at,
and abslracted all my Greek Saves To
practice with PEA shooters. The fish bu-i
ness proved no more potita5le my Old
enemies the boys, Stole ali the boosters,
while was eating the claius 10 KEEP them
from spollng, and my porgies got fly
blown before | could find any customers.
| tried cobbIing shoes, but Illt the pegs
too long Ill the inside. also essay ed
gardening, and got a situation, but The
first day pulled up the Young cabbagcs
and ieiE the pig weeds, transpianted the
tailps Into the onion bed, aud cut up the
rose bushes under the impression that
they were last years pea Urash--tne un-
Reasonable man discharged me. Since
that l have betu street sweeper, UlI
stlcker, billiard marker, have set up.
pins III bowling saioon, cleaned GELS III
the market, and have failed in all through
my adversities have even tried to he
q gentleman aid scholar / have doue
NY best. 1 am tue victim Of a hard and
bitter unrelenting fate NJ educatio
have pickea up as best cou d. | learn
sd to read theatre bills from the news
men, aud picked up my eloquence 10y
hanging about the Court room.