Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-09-08
Doesticks' Lager Bier Experience.

Lagos Bier is kindly liquid and a
moral agent; it is pleasant to the taste,
and withal, is not Intoxicating so pee
/ pie say. Lager has taken out his pa
pers and become naturalized, and is
now as thoroughly American as hC was
before peculiarly German. Lager is q
capital fellow to know, and l have Just
formed his acquaintance. | never
drink inebrlating compounds, for sever
al reasons; one Of which is, I can't af-
! ford the money it costs to get drunk,
or the time it takes to get sober. [
have therefore renounced nv form
er friends, Brandy Cocktail and Whis-
Ky Punch, who ale slippery feIlows.-
B. {. left me in q station house with
my head the size of peach basket 3;
and w. L. on one occasion led ME m
to the company Of some gentlemanlv
looking individuals who picked my
pockets Of all my money, and then
Dlacked my eyes because [ didn't Get
q bigger salary.
But the other night I went with Dam
phool to drink Lager Bier, because
am convinced it does not contain half
as much alchohol as distillerv milk. and
there is no more danger ofman getting
drunk upon Lager than sweet cream.
We went to the place; there was a huge
stuffed alligator nailed against the wall
and about fifty men We're sitting at
round tables each with pipe in his
mouth and glass in his fist. Twenty
girls were running about with great
clusters Of bier mugs in their hands,
and with their pockets full Of copper
change.
There was little space at the end
Of the room devoted to music, contain
ing one piano with dutchman attach
ment, two yiolins, horn with so many
twists and curls that it looked ike a
very elaborate edition Of Yankee Doc
die done III brass, and Datriarchal fid-
die OF immense proportions, which
Scorned to utter a note Of less dignity
than the double c., and which was bic
enough for two to sleep in with room
TO turn over separately.
After q long search we found two
chairs which were not pFe-empted by
Dutchnen, but the smoke was SO thick
we had to cut little air holes with cur
.lack-knlyes, before We could see to sit
down, without getting into somebody's
bier mug. Then we thumped Oh the
table vigorously, till a German lady
IOomed through the tobacco fog, and
finally answered our summons. Some
one Of her playful countrymcn had
Just baptized her with bier slops, and
she was now all dripping from the re-
cent flood, and as wet as ii she had
been out IN a shower Of Lager without
ar umbrella.
Damphool gave her q feeble wink,
and said ''zwel'' whereupon she brought
us with her own fair hands, two mugs
Of the beverage known as Lager and
stood waiting with her hands on her
hps-thought she wanted to enter into
conversation, so by way OF making nv
self agreeable, winEzed as Damphoo.
had, and also said ''zwei"- -thoauht
''zwei' was q term Of endearment.-
She deserted us for an instant, and
came back with two more mugs Of beer.
/ imagined Of course ''ZWei' meant
''darllng," and that she had misunder-
stood mt-attempt9i to explain in the
manner following: ''Lwei, 1--WE" i" said [,
''no more beer, but zwei,' after which
lucid explanation, she vanished ana
brought two more mugs, at which Dam
phool stopped laughing long enough to
tel! NE she would keep bringing pint
doses Of Lager as long as [ continued
to remark '.zwei," which he informed
inc meant ''tWo glasses Of Lager, and
be in a hurry about it." he said also
hat the reason she did not leave when
/ She had served us, was because she
wanted her change-paid her the mon
ey-thanked my friend for his gratui-
tous lesson in German, and began to
drink. .U.
The first glass seemed like sour strong
beer with a good deal Of Watel in i;
the next was not quite so sour, and tul
next one tasted as though the origina.
beer had been stronger and they had
not diluted it so much. Then we rest
ed, and as | had drunk three pints al
ready, | was willing to quit, but Dam
phool assured me Lager isn't intoxi-
eating" so after a little settling
down, thought could hold another
glass, and ordered it; it was brought
by young lady who seemed to have
four eyes and two noses, pointing in
different directions, which unusual eff
feet was undoubtedly produced by
smoke.
Then I thought Id have a glass OF
Lager, "a liquid known to most of the
inhabitants Of Nanhattan.) It was
brought by girl 50 pretty, that | i'm
medlately ordered two more, and kept
her waiting for change each time SO rs
[ could look at her-then we had some
cheese full of holes; then we had some
'ALager to till up the holes; then we took
a sausage; Damphool suggested that
the sausage was made of dog, so, we
had some Lager to drown the dog; then
we had some sardines; Damphool said
it would be cruel to keep the fish with
out a supply Of the liquid element, sc
we had some LAGER for the fish TO swim