Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-04-28

Fact, Fancy and Fun.

| MIND your eye, as the thread
said to the needle.
you'll break my heart" as the
oak said to the hatchet.
-''Pitt's full" as the Earl of Chat
ham said after dinner.
-''My heart is thine,'' as the cab
bage SAID to the cook-maid.
-''Yo on don't pass here" as the coun-
ter said to the bad shilling.
Hold your jaw" as the man said
when his head was in the lions mouth.
Permit me to introduce myself"
as the knife SAID to the oyster.
Bakers are styled set Of loafers,
often knead-y, and not always we'll
bre(a)d.
Why is the heart of tree like a
dogs tail? Because it is the farthest
from the bark
When is a pretty girl inclined to
commit murder? When she is bound
on q sleighing expedition.
Why are farmers like literary men,
Because they frequently pen articles.
Hogs for instance.)
Why is a printing Office like a
wicked place? Because the works of
the ''devil' are carried on there.
Honesty is q term formerly used IL
the case Of q man wn0 paid for his
newspaper and the coat on his back
"A late traveller in speaking oG Aus
tria, says that one-half of the people arc
under arms to keep the other half in
jail.
"A man caught in railroad coils
! ion remarked, that presence of mind
might be good, but absence of body
was better
Why are pen-makers the most dis
! honest persons in the world Because
they make people steel pens and say
they do acrite.
Babies were described, many
years ago, as "noisv, lactiferous ami
malcnle, much desired by those who
never had any,"
The young married couple who
thought they could live on love and
moonlight, have discovered that there
is some virtue in baked beans.
An exchange paper says that the
girls in some parts of Pennsylvania are
so hard up for a husband, that they
sometimes take up with printers and
lawyers.
-EEMy dear sir" said candidate,
accosting a sturdy wag on the day of
election, Il am very glad to see You"
You needn'nt be-Tve voted" re-
piled the wag.
-Chevreau, in his history Of the
world, informs US that it was created
on the sixth day Of September, on a
Friday, a little after 4 o'clock in the
afternoon.
With four metallic qualifications, q
man may be pretty sure Of worldly
success. These are "gold in his pock-
ct, silver in his tongue, brass in his
face, and iron in his heart.n
Sam Slick says, when fellow is
too lazy to work, he paints his name
over the door, and calls it a tavern or
grocery, and makes the whole neigh
borhood as lazy as himself
-s'Tt is aisy enough" said Pat, s'to
build a chimney you howld one brick
up and put another one under it." A
good many people undertake to build
fortunes on this equitable principle.
Why is a man who gets knocked
down at an election, like the world we
inhabit?
/ Because he's fattened at the polls.
The young man who perpetrated the
above, left for the East on Wednes-
day.
"A young lady recently wished she
was a cartwheel, because it has lots of
s.telzoers." We are glad she spoke Of
it.-Qu;ncy Herozd.
IF she kept the .telloacs continually
bobbing round they would soon get
''tired"-Berlia Lourant
Bill SwilIing was sent to Jail for
habitual drunkenness. One of his old
cronies was asked, s'Why don't you
bail him out?'' "Baze him out - he
replied; ''why, man, you couldn't pump
him out"
A shrewd little fellow, who had
just begun to read Latin, astounded his
maiden instructress, who was fast aD-
proaching a 'sce1taiii age" by the fol-
lowing translation" V;r, 3 man; gin,
a trap; Virgin, man-trap.'
-"TeH nae yc winged winds, that
round my pathway roar, do yc know
some spot where women fret no more =?
Some lone and pleasant dell, some
''holler'' in the ground, where babies
never yell, and cradles are not found.
The loud winds blew the snow into nv
face, and snickered as it answered ''na-
ry place.
"A woman is either worth a good
deal or nothing. If good for nothing,
she is not worth getting jealous for; if.
she be true woman, she will not in
tentIOnaiIy give any cauSe for iaa1o1ey