Mariposa Democrat., 1858-02-18
Trials of a Fat Man.

AS intimated to you, having come to the
conclusion that there was nothing fit to cat in
Buffalo, | started for New York on Friday last
on the Central Railroad. had no idea that n
man with a respectable quantity Of flesh was
looked upon gith any degree of surprise out
side of yoif city limits. | only weigh two
hundred and thirty-one pounds, and if | am
said to be as broad as am long, il plainly was
depot inquiring do you wish to go as freight,
or as passenger ?" / told him with consid-
cradle asperity "as passenger, of course"
when he charged me for tickets for two and
upon my expostulating with him, he very i'm
pudently inquired if supposed that any one
else could sit in the same seat occupied. Be-
said no more, but heard him mutter some
thing to himself about hogs always going as
freight, as walked off, which. remark was
made, presume, to an omnibus driver stand
ing near. II certainly could have had no ref
erence to me. Do you think it couldp
got on the cars somewhat ruffled in tenn
per- and after crushing two or three women
from diameter of ten feet into about six
inches and fattenng out an apple-boy and
popcorn vender, so that their indentity be-
comes a matter of considerable research,
finally obtained seat opposite an old, scraggy
lady and her unmarried daughter. They
screamed as | sat down, and was tempted to
expand my lungs in the same manner, for the
whole scat gave way with me and deposited
me with my wig in pool of tobaccojuce, and
my feet in the bony, unmarried girls lap.
Upon extricating myself from the wreck dis
covered to my horror that had split the back
Of my coat, had utterly crushed out of exist
ence three band boxes, and obtained the eter
nal hate of the scraggy woman and her bony
daughter forever. | tried to make my apollo
gies, but think failed My failure is easily
explained, for whoever heard of any man max
ing a decent apology in fractured coat and
head saturated with tobacco juice.
then went into another car, in consequence
Of the Indignation Of the passengers having
been aroused by the two women alluded to,
and especially as heard a gentleman with
short hair and not very placid face, inquir-
ing il he hadn't better punch "him.' Having
no doubt that the "hm" referred to meant me,
made myself as seldom" as possible, and
got into the next car. The seats in the car
were all weak, frail things, as four Of them fell
to pieces as sat down on them. Upon max
ing my complaint to the conductor-who asked
"if there was more than one Of me "-he sug-
gested that had better go into the baggage
car and sit on one of the express trunks. They
being iron.bound, he thought they'd stand it,
il nothing else would I did goin there, The
baggage man, who was not very polite, asked
me what wanted. told him wanted to
stay in there lie said it couldn't be did as,
if came in, he would have to 60 out; there
wasn't room "for them two trunks and both Of
us in that there baggage car"
| accommodated matters with him by giving
him dollar, Zone Of twenty had borrowed }
and he agreed to ride on the outside of the car
while occupied the inside. got upon two
express trunks, and was very comfortable
Indeed, should have been perfectly SO, If the
baggage man hadn't kept annoying me- He
kept diving his head into the car, and asking
if was going to New York, and upon my re-
plying that was, he would convey my reply
to the brakeman, who evidently had been talk
ing of me all the way from Rochester. Finally
the baggage man dove his head in again, as if
to end some argument, and asked if intended
to 90 to Barnum's Museum when got to New
York told him should; which information
he re-conveyed to the brake man, who ejacu
lated, Thought so-it's him !"
couldn't imagine what they meant They
chuclled considerably, and said: "Seen him
for nothin'; twould a cost two shillins in New
York when l abruptly put an end to their
conversation by putting my head out of the
door, and inquiring who was him." what
" would cost two shillings in New York, and
what they had "seen for nothing9" The brake
man was somewhat startled, but recovered
sufficiently to say, "FAT Boy" This answer
afording me no information whatever, backed
into the car again, much puzzled as to what
they meant.
Dreaming that | was being broiled on an
immense gridiron, for the purpose of "frying"
mo ott and that tho fat u-ac rnnn;ny from IN n
in immense rivulets, which was being caught
in little tin cups, and sold by tradesmen of all
descriptions, arrived in Syracuse, and there
awoke, delighted to find that | retained my
accustomed flesh, and that gongs were sound
ing ecstatic announcements of "dinner" |
will write you again soon. Till then, believe
me your much annoyed FAT Contributor.