Monmouth weekly herald. [volume] (Freehold, N.J.) 1854-1860, 1858-06-24
WESTWARD HO!

An ague-stricken hypochondraic, who
has been on a trip out West, thus answers
some questions in letter to the Saturday
Evening Post;
The first question comes from Cam
bridgeport, Mass, and read as follows
Which is the best time for going West,
the Spring or Autumn"
The best time fol- going West is when
you have the most money about you. and
the least fear Of losing it. If you come
IN the Spring, you are sure to shake YOUR
self to death before fall. If you come at
all you had better get your stomachlined
with water proof cement so as to be able
to digest your corn bread, bacon and
whiskey for this is all we have to eat,
except a few French Hogs, and bilious
looking ~tadpoles, which we can catch
when the river runs down.
Second question" What part of the
West is the best to lealgrate to, taking
lntnaa9r6ap1ol n W Ns4sh, FsresaaShiness Of the
lScrlaS@ q at E
"A variety of oSe us. about that. nv
dear fellow. Our Senator Mr.. Douglas.
says Nebraska is the best. So it is. if YOU
want to go in the stock business. raising
an unruly kind Of mixed cattle thai viii
stray off to Canada, in spite of the COM
promise of 1850 or 1856, or Senator Dou-
glas. Or, If you want ito speculate in
pappooses, white scalps, and get your own
scalp taken off scientifically 60 to Nebras-
ka. by all means. If you want to play
poker for a living, and set up whiskey
drinking for business, live on corn bread
and bacon week days, and slippery elm
bark on Sunday, come to Illinois. Ifyou
want to 60 where they have no Sundays,
nor anything to eat, only what they
brought from the East, go to Iowa, or if
you want to go to grass on all fours, and
90 as other kinds of cattle do, go to Salt
Lake. Ifyou want to go where they re-
celve the. mail once a year, where they
live on wild cranberries crumbled in;wa-
ter from the Mississippi river, where the
wigwams make a. city, and a paper of pins
and a bar of Yankee soap make a mer-
chant-go to Minnesota.
Third question" Does the fever and
ague prevail much in Wisconsin,"
OF course it does. Nobody out West
is fool enonghto ask such a question:
Everybody shakes ever the trees shake.
you can't coax a plumb to stay on when
1t is good for anything, it will shake a
man out of bed, kick him out of doors and
shake the bedstead at him till he gives it.
up.
Fourth question Is there land to be,
had in the northwest part of Ohio for
$l.25 per acre, and is it good?"
That is all fudge, got up by some spec.
~ulators to gull some greenhorn like you,
or me, for to- the best of my knowledge,
and belief, Ohio was worn out ten wears
ago. The whole business of the railroads
in warm weather, is to carry back persons
who have been fools enough to come out
West. All the railroads are doing this
winter is carrying dirt into Ohio out of
Michigan to raise a few beans and oats,
to keep the folks from starving to death
next summer.
As to the land in the northwest of Ohio
it is eighteen inches under water most Of
the year, and will probably be worth ST.
per acre when water snakes and copper
heads bring as much per barrel in New
York markets as potatoes are worth per
bushel in Alton.
As for good water we have none, it is
all a bilious compost of liquid mud, dead
buffaloes, fish and rotten rattlesnakes.
Our common drink, when we can't get
whiskey, is one-third coffee, prairie mud
and one-third tobacco juice.
Upon the whole, if you have good va
ter, and can get enough to eat, stay where
you are.
Yours truly, ". b