The Kanzas news., 1858-10-02
A Short Patent Sermon.
BIZ DOW, yR-

By DOW. JR-
Sex 9 good wife of thy God. for she is the best
gift of his providence
Ny HEARERs:-No rational man ever yet
had even soft-shell doubt crawl into his
mind that good wife is good thing-ar-
ticle. utensil, or "institution."
This being conceded, we arrive at start
inc point. Our text says, my un-wedded
he brethren, you must seek a good wife
the best gift of Gods providence-of the
great Disposer of human, events and mar
riaoeable women. That's 80. By looking
to such a source, you are as sure to get one
of the right stamp, containing tie pure
metallic ring-not one composed OF coun-
terfeit virtues, or made up of zinc and pew
ter pretensions. And what is more, it ISM
going to cost you anything, neither at the
beginning nor at the end, except new suit
of clothes a plain gold ring and ten dollar
piece for the parson-which is my standard
price, and '.I'll have no more and never
take a cent less.' ,-,.--,-1s
The Devil, my beloved bachelor. always
has great deal of feminine trnck in the
Market for which you have to pay pretty
roundly, or let it alone. Generally speak
ing, to get one of this sort. you must show
pIethoric purse in the beginning, and give
it good sweat In the start-and this, breth-
rem, is the literal meaning of that Greek
quotation, tshe DEVILS TO pay After
wards your purse viii probably sweat it
self into galloping consumption, and dis
solve and disappear. ''like the baseless fab
ric of vision,' or a pound of salt in a
quart of warm water. Then dark cloud
will lower upon your shanty; love, if it
ever gained residence in your hearts, will
suddenly emigrate from such an arctic re-
gion-want and Wretchedness will stare you
in the countenance, like couple of cat owls
watching gopher by moonlight-and, un
less relieved by divorce, the Devil gets a
pair of you in the end.
My friends: Every man, be he good or
bad, should have good wife. Ii he be
good, she win make him better member
of society; if he be bad, but not wholly be-
yond redemption, good wife will puta new
surface upon him in two weeks; and at the
end of single year, he will have under
gone such a thorough renovation that he
won't know himself from the seventeenth
commandment. If thou art given to fret
ting, and don't know what to fret about, it
is well to provide thyself with home, and
furnish it with good wife and few little
white headed et ceteras-then verify thou
canst fret to thy souls content, and the
good wife will probably heed it not, but let
it run itself out--as it most assuredly will,
in time. Thou shalt fret:
Ist. Beceuse the fashions change with
every moon. it takes too much change to
keep your wife rugged according to Gunter.
Cd. Becausea red flannel petticoat, even to
think about, is worse than the seven year itch.
Sd. Because the hoops to the vinegar bar
rel are always flying off, and the wife wants
coopering done in every two months.
Attn. Because the coffee is too delicate and
butter too robust: eggs geological speci-
mems; meat not cooked-half cooked-to a
cinder; potatoes soggy; turnips pithy; PIE
crust hammered out at the blacksmith S
and the shortening omitted on account of
its extreme length"
5th. Because the children's faces are so
dirty they'll never be able to speak English.
9Th. Because there's nothing in its place
except the cat in the milk pitcher, and the
evening newspaper in the slop pail.
But, as aforesaid. thy fretting will run it
self out in time. if not meddled with; and
thou shalt afterwards become worthy of a
good wife, who has not only borne it all
without murmur, like duck in a hail
storm, but with q thousand apologies, gar
nlshed with the sweetest smile, promised an
extra endeavor to suit you in the future.
Worthy bachelors: Seek good wife of
Your God. and you viii find it an easy mat
Ter to scare up one. What mean by a
good wife is, one plump as a partridge,
about two thirds fuH of common sense, and
'ne other third filled with trimmings for the
same; one moderately addicted to crinoline
Houhces and tight iacing-whose heart is a
magnet that shall draw you to her side,
anu induce you to spend the major part of
your evenings in her sweet society; one
whose inherent charms are such as. in all
Your Wanderings, will ever lead you to ex-
claim: There's no place like homep' one
VINO VIII keep buttons upon your shirts,
aud put polish upon your manners: one
who can make good pot-pie; as veil as
play upon the piano; and above an. one
"no SHOWS how to prepare nice stuffing for
that. But beware, friends, beware of vour
ssi,fong-minded, double iointed sort, and
oiue stocking in general
Bachelor miners: / don't know that
you are so wretchedly in want of wife as
good many others; but you know your
o"n wants the best If you are weary,
aHu Ieei life to be sort of one horse ar
iaIse%ent ioo without help mete. why. then.
o0 A aOout TO- for your tother half, and splice
~ =, though she digs not herself, verify, in
sb. nheihood, she will make you dig the
.aiPer' But be ye not in hurry The
Saudy red petticoat. I predict, viii soon
Se place to an article of sober Blue
-nen, oh. We brethren miners. unH may