The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-11-27
HOW TO KEEP A BAD HOTEL.

notions on the art Of keeping a good hotel.
We now propose giving our experience of a
bad one. We need only take the first
swinging sign marked house we encounter,
and describe its interior, to accomplish our
article. A good hotel is Il rare concern. We
may meet with a railroad agent who can
give us correct information rs to the time
of trains, and their connections, ten miles
off. We may find bank clerk or cashier
without poker for backbone, or without
cool impudence all over his studied counten- =
ance. We may look at a woman who does
not keep an omnibus waiting fifteen minutes
while she searches for half dime. We
may see all these, yet fail to find one good
hotel in the circuit of State.
The world was once preycd upon by
robbers and pirates. The high ways, and
by ways, on land and sea, were pestered
with them. They seem to have died out.
Sad mistake. They have gone to keeping
tavern. They strut about in rings and
chains, and ruffie shirts. Who SO grand!
The old depraved nature, however, remains
in full force. They rob you-rob you open
Iv, and with an air that seems to demand
your thanks. So once did Captain Kidd,
and Dick Turpin. They keep up the good
old style. these landlords.
A landlord will set you down to a meal
that as a private citizen he would be ashamed
Of. Yet he is not ashamed. On the con-
trary, he makes you pay one dollar for the
privilege of eating. But for the landlords
and their taverns, bed-bugs would long
since have disappeared from the earth, and
natural philosophers would now be actively
searching for specimen Of that enemy to
the human race.
Let every traveller swear solemnly that he
will kill landlord, before returning to the
bosom of his dear family.
We were once terribly pounded, all on
account of a stupid proprietor, as he called
himself, of spread-eagle hotel. 1t hap
pened in this way:
We rode into the town of K-one
night, about ten O'Clock. We had been ri
ding on horseback, and were exceedingly
tired. We fattered ourselves with the idea
of good supper, and at bed, at the
Spread Eagle. Our horse "e saw fed, and
Uttered and then sought our supper. Such
a supper! This event happened fifteen
years since, yet that supper lies heavy on
our soul, this day. We threw that supper
into the street, and the next day we saw II
large dog lying near the spot. Hogs have
not, as general thing, delicate constitutions
and do not die easily.
We asked for a room, alas! it was court
week in the town of X, and the town was
crowded. Three associate judges, and one
common pleas judge-a grand jury was
supposed to be in the place to say nothing
of the lawyers, witnesses, and unhappy
sutors. The farmers with their blooded
horses, and blooming daughters, We're in
town. The crowd WAS tremendous.
There had been a fearful rush of six that
very day to the Spread Eagle. We could
not have a room; 1t was doubtful whether
we could secure n bed.
After deal of study over a greasy slate
by the 'gent!emanly propretor,' as the pa
pers say, we were informed that We could
share a bed in No. I, with guest there
ensconccd. We detest sleeping with a man
brute, but were too tired to hesitate long,
SO taking dim talow dip, that served to
make darkness visible, and mounted to No.
I, and walked in on the unsuspecting occu-
pant. To the music of his Snores we husked
oursef, in that dismal No. !. The floor,
none of the smoothest, was innocent Of a
carpet. Two windows without curtains
look angry and sulen, with the black light
staring through them. The one bed, ta-
bic and two chairs, made up the furniture.
We turned tnlow dip upside down with a
squelch, in the socket, and tunbled in upon
innocence.
Halo hcre!' shouted the weary traveller,
striking out.
BEG pardon, sir-but landlord says we
must fraternizc tonight. House crowded.
The unfortunate stranger grumbled and
rolled over, and in a few minutes was sno-
ring aloud. Tired as we were, the pcrfor-
nance was too much for US. We had a
straw bed supporting Feather conccrn.-
The straw felt and sounded as if stuffed with
grasshoppers. The feather bed smelt bad.
We were sleeping upon the mortal remains
Of many gallant chicken cock, and the
memory was not sweet to the nostrils. The
two pillows-we had both-with some DIFF
fculty We kept from slipping up our nose.
The snoring grew loud apace. Patience
exhausted, fed. We INDUCED in little
stratagem
stranger, stranger!' said we, striking
our bedfellow.
'IIallo, again! What the devil do you
want?'
BEG pardon-but think it but right to
inform you that sometimes we walk in our
Sleep
well, walk and be DID,
yes, yes; that is very well, but it is only
) right to inform you that if we are interrupt
cd or disturbed, we are dangerous. Killed
Il man once under the most distressing Cir
cumstances-a good. benev olent individual
attempted to keep us from climbing up n
chimncy-knocked him oser the head with Il
dog iron.'
Devil YOU did! You may climb for me
and break your neck for all care.'
'Oh! Thank you.'
We had pause, in which our friend
seemed to be thinking. At last he said
Il say; very kind of you to warn me-
Pleasant though, for a fellow might get hold
of you before fairly awake
'That's true.'
Another long pause. Again broken
by
Il say.'
'Wcll, what is it?'
'Thre's door yonder that opens out or
nothing. Thirty feet down: Better walk
out there
'Oh thank you. Will avoid the door!
Cunning rascal-was trying to frighter
US. Another pause, and then,
Il say!'
'Well, out with it,
'You may have noticed a hat sitting on tn.
floor. My watch is in it,
'We'll recolect the hat
We pretended to sleep. Directly we hearG
him steal out of bed-gather up his clothes
and then we heard the door close after him
and we were alone. In spite Of bugs
fees and filth, we slept soundly unit
morning.
} We went down to breakfast. Sitting
J opposite was an old friend we had not me
for years: lie seemed weary, haggard ant
forlorn.
'Whs, L., said we, 'is that youi'
Hello, &! why how do you do? Yes
this is me; all that is left at least. Thi.
cussed landlord put an internal ruffan in
} bed with me; fellow that walked in his
sleep-killed benevolent people with dog
irons. run, and had sit to up and drins
whisky all night
We for once lost our presence of mind
'Why, l.! was that you in No. ~
The fact flashed across the brain of oul
unhappy friend. His answer came in the
shape Of a dish Of potatoes. We responded
with the hominy. A Jug of gravy was