San Andreas independent., 1858-08-21
[From the New York Mercury.l
Doestlcks' Lager Bier Experience.

Doesticks' Lager Bier Experience.
Lager Bier is a kindly liquid, and a
moral agent; it is pleasant to the taste
and wlthal is not intoxicating; SO people
say. Lager has taken out his papers and
become naturalized, and is now as thor
oughly American as he was before pecu-
llarly German. Lager is capital fellow
to know, and | have just formed his ac:.
quaintance. | never drink inebriating
compounds for several reasons; one of
which Is, | can't afford the money it costs
to get drunk, or the time it takes to get
sober. | have therefore renounced nv
formerfriends, Brandy Cocktail and w his
ky Punch, who are slippery fellows. B.
Z. left me in station house with my head
the size of peach basket, and w. P, on
one occasion led me into the company of
some gentlemanly looking individuals who
picked my pockets of all my money, and
then blacked my eyes because 1 didn't t
get bigger salary.
But the other night | went with Dam
phool to drink Lager Bier, because am
convinced it does not contain half as much
alcohol as distillery milk, and there is no
more danger of man getting drunk upon
lager than on sweet cream.
We went to the place; there was huge
stuffed alligator nailed against the wall,
and about fifty men were sitting at round
tables each with pipe in his mouth and
glass in his fist. Twenty girls were run
ming about with great clusters of their
bier mugs in their hands, and with their
pockets full of copper change.
There was little space at the end of
the room devoted to music, containing
one piano with Dutchman attached. two
violins, a horn with so many twists and
curls that it looked like very elaborate
edition of Yankee Doodle done in brass.
and patriarchal fiddle of immense pro-
portions, which scorned to utter note of
less dignity than the double C, and which
was big enough for two to sleep in, with
room to turn over separately.
After long search we found two chairs
which were not pre-empted by Dutchmen,
but the smoke was so thick we had to cut
little air holes with our iack-knives before
we could see to sit down without getting
into somebody's beer mug. Then we
thumped on the table vigorously till
German lady loomed through the tobacco
fog, and finally answered our summons.
Some one of her playful countrymen had
just baptised her with bier slops, and she
was now dripping from the recent flood,
and as wet as if she had been out in
shower of lager without an umbrella.
Damphool gave her feeble wink. and
said 'zwei, whereupon she brought us.
with her own fair hands, two mugs of the
beverage known as lager, and stood wait
ing with her hands on her hips. Thought
she wanted to enter into conversation. so
by way of making myself agreeable, I
winked as Damphool had, and also said
'zwei.' Thought 'zwei was term of
endearment. She deserted us for an in
slant, and came back with two more mugs
OF bier | imagined of course 'zwei'
meant darling, and that she had misun-
derstood me. Attempted to explain In
manner following: 'zwei, zwei,' said I;
no more bier, but zwei;' after which
lucid explanation she vanished and bro't
two more mugs, at which Damphool STOP
ped laughing long enough to tell me she
would keep bringing pint doses of lager
as long as | continued to remark zwei.'
which he informed me meant two glasses
of lager, and be in hurry about it, He
said also that the reason she did not leave
when she had served us, was because she
wanted her change. Paid her the money
thanked my friend for his gratuitous
lesson in German, and began to drink.
The first glass seemed like sour strong
beer with good deal of water in it; the
next was not quite SO sour, and the next
one tasted as though the original beer had
been stronger, and they had not diluted
it so much. Then we rested and as |
had drank three pints already, was will
ling to quit, but Damphool assured me
Lager ism t intoxicating; so after a little
settling down, | thought could hold an
other glass, and ordered it; it was brought
by young lady who seemed to have four
eyes and two noses, pointing in different
directions, which unusual effect was un-
doubtedly caused by smoke.
Then | thought I'd have a glass of
lager, Ga liquid known to most of the in
habitants of Manhattan.) 1t twas brought
by girl so pretty, that | immediately
ordered two more, and kept her waiting
for the change each time so as | could
look at her. Then we had some cheese
full of holes; then we took sausage;
Damphool suggested that the sausage was
made of dog, and so we had some lager to
drown the dog; then we had some sar
dimes; Damphool said it would be cruel
to keep the fish without supply of the
liquid element, so we had some lager for
the fish to swim in; then we had some
bretzels. Damphool said the bretzels were
so crooked that they would not pack close,
50 50 we had some lager to fill up the chinks.
Then | made speech to the company
short, but to the point, and received with
applause. 1t was addressed to the whole
crowd, and was to this effect: sGentle-
men, let's have some lager
BY this time my friend had by some
mysterious process become mysteriouslv