Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1858-05-05
Fact, Fancy and Fun.

-SI@OOk out Tor pant, as lle girl
said when the fellow went to kiss her.
What is that which will keep in
any climate? The secret of woman's
age.
Why is chicken-pie like gun
smiths store? Because it contains
fowl-in-picces.
An Eastern editor heads his list Of
marriages, and Deaths, thus: "Match-
ed, and Dispatched.
Horace Walpole once remarked,
"The world is a comedy to those who
think, and tragedy to those who feel.'
An auctioneer, vexed with his au-
dience said: Il am mean fellow
mean as dirt-and l feel at home in
this company"
-'sSarah,' said wag, cts all
over town - 'What's al over town?'
was the anxious inquiry. Mud 20
Sarah's eyes dropped.
The Home Journal says that the
man who stoutly objected to his wife's
learning to skate has at length conclu-
ded to let her slide!
-"Saln, why am lawyers like de
fishes 90 Il don't meddle w;d dat. sub
iek, Pomp." "Why, don't you see
niger, case dey am so fond of debate"
If dull weather effects You marry
warm-hearted girl, and make sunshines
for yourself. Bachelors viii find els
far superior to either billiards or bur
gundy. Try it on.
-%'Steel your heart,' said consid-
crate father to his son, ''tor you are 60
ing among some fascinating girls" ''I
had much rather steal theirs" said the
unpromising young man.
A gentleman observed upon an in-
different pleader at the bar, that he was
the most affecting orator that he ever
heard, for he never attempted to speak
but he excited general pity.
Should a skunk read Hamlet, which
line would he choose for motto p
"Methinks I scent the morning air.
We get this from young man who
starts in the perfumery business next
week.
A gentleman in 81 tea-party, over
hearing one lady say to another, ''I
have something for your pirate ear,
Immediately exclaim 81 protest against
that, for there is law against priu0-
teeri1eg.
"A printer out in Arkansas, whose
office is ten miles from any other build
ing, and who hangs his sign on limb of
a tree, advcrtises for an apprentice
He says: "a boy from the country
preferred"
Sir said a burly fellow, ofno en-
viable character, Il have the largest
neck of any man in the city" every
likely" said his neighbor, "and saw
yesterday the largest rope III the city
put that and that together"
A VERDIcT.-The following verdict
was given and written by the foreman
Of a coroner's jury at: eve are Of
A Pinion that the Decest met with her
death from Violiant Infirnation III the
Arm, producest from Unoan Cauz."
An Irishman writing from Ohio,
says it is the most elegant place in the
world. "The first three weeks" he
says, "you are boarded gratis, and after
that you. are charged nothing at ALL
Come along and bring the children
An Irishman beng asked, on a
late trial. for certificate of his mar
riage, barred his head, and exhibited
huge scar, which looked as though it
might have been made with a fire
shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.
A certain Irish Attorney threaten
ed to prosecute Dublin printer for in
serting the death of live person. The
menace concluded with the remark
''No printer should publish a death un-
less apprised of the fact by the party
deceased"
-"Mr. President,' said member
of a school committee, out west, II rise
to get up, and am not backward to
come forward in the course Of educa-
ton Had it not been for education,
might have been as ignorant as your
self, Mr.. President"
--s,FelIow," said an offended and
very plain-looking patron, II shall lend
you my countenance no longer."-
"Why, bless YOU sir, if | had such
countenancc as yours, / should be will
ing and anxious not only to lend it, but
to give it away to the first simple indi-
vidual that [ could get to take it."
81 say, Sanlbo, can you answer
dis conunderfuln Sapposin' I gib you
a bottle OF whisky, corked, shut wid a
cork how wouid YOU get de whisky
out widoat pnllill' de cork, or breakin'
de bottle?''
81 frow dat under de table,
"Why, push de cork in: Yah, yah!''
bridget" said lady to her SER
want, Bridget Conley, sswho was that
man you were talking SO long with at
the gate last night 90 'sSure, no one
but me eldest brother, ma am replied
Bridget, with flushed cheek. ..Yovr
brother. ] didn't know Won had a broth
er. What is his nameen ssBarnev