The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1858-02-13
TRIALS OF A FAT MAN.

l
pondent who writes that paper frankly thus;
Gas l intermated to you, having come to
the conclusion that there was nothing fit ia
/ eat in Buffalo, l started for New York on
Friday last, on the Central Railroad. had
| no idea that . man with respectable guam
tity of flesh, was looked upon with any de.
gree of surprise outside of your city limits
| / only weigh two hundred and thlrty-one
pounds, and n Z nm 'suIu 20 De as prsaa ns
am long, it certainly was no reason for the
ticket agent at the Buffalo depot inquiring,
| sdo you wish to 90 as freight, or as pas
senger?' l told him, with considerable as
perity, 'as passenger, of course when he
charged me for tickets for two! and upon
my e1postulating with him, he very impu-
IDENTIFY inquired If l supposed that any one
else could sit in the same seat occupied
Being aware that it it was a mater Of doubt,
l said no more, but heard him mutter to
himself something about hogs always going
as freight, as l walked of-which remark
was made, presume, to m omnibus driver,
standing near. 1t certainly could have had
no reference to me. Do you think il could!
81 got on the cars somewhat ruf1ed in
temper, and after crashing two or three wo-
men from diameter of ten feet into about
six inches, and fattening out an apple boy
and popcorn vender, SO that their identity
became matter of considerable research,
finally obtained seat opposite IN Old,
scraggy lady and her unmarried daughter
They screamed as sat down, and was
tempted to expand my lungs in tho same
manner, for the whole seat gave way with
me and deposited me with my wig in pool
of tobacco juice, and my feet in the bony,
unmarried girls lap. Upon extricattng my
self from the wreck, discovered 70 my
horror, that had split the back of ny coat,
had utterly crushed out Of existence three
bandboxes, and obtained the eternal hate Of
the scraggy woman and her bony daughter
forever. tried to make my apologies, but
think failed. NY failure 10 easily explain
ed, for who ever heard of any man making
a decent apology in fractured coat, and o
head saturated with tobacco juice
81 then went into another car, in conse-
quence of the indignation Of the passengers
having been aroused by the two women al
luded to, and especially a. heard gentle
man with short hair and not very placid
face, inquiring If he hadn't better punch
him. Having no doubt that the him refer
red to was me, made myself - seldom as
possible, and got into the next car. The
seats in the car were all weak, frail things,
as four of them fell to pieces as sat down
on them. Upon making my complaint to
the conductor-who asked me If thsre was
more than one Of me-he suggested that
had better 20 into the baggage car, and slt
on one Of The express trunks. They being
IRON bound, he thought they'd stand it, it
vsoHh.v,rv al wnrlA 1;A in thopm Tho
baggage man, who is not very polite, asked
me what wanted. l told him wanted to
stay in there. He said it couldn't be did5
as, if came in, he would have to 30 out !;
there wasn't room for them two trunks and
both of us in that there baggage car.
accommodated matters with him BY giving
him dollar, Zone of twenty l had borrow,
ed and he agreed to ride ON the outside Of
the car, while l occupied the inside.' l got
upon two express trunks, and was very COM
Portable. Indeed, l should have been per-
fectly 30, if the baggage man hadn't kept
annoying me. He Kept diving his head into
the cur, and asking il was going to New
York and upon my replying thatI was, Ae
would convey my reply to the brakeman,
who evidently had been talking Of me Ill
the way from Rochester. Finally, the bag
gage man dove bis head in again, as if %
end some argument, and asked If intended
to 70 to Barnum's Museum when l got to
New York. I told him ! should. which in
formation he re-conveyed to the brakeman,
who circulated, Thought so-it's him.
81 couldn't imagine what they meants--
They chuckled considerably, and said: sSssn
him for nothin'. 'Twould . cost two shil-
lin in New York'--when abruptly put an
end to their conversation by putting my head
., out Of the car door, and inquiring who Vas
him and what would cost two shillingen
New York. and what they had sseen Tor
aofh!ng The brakeman was somewhat
startled, but recovered sufficiently to ray
FAT Boy This answer aifording me 10
information whatever, l backed into the car
again, much puzzled = to what they meant.
Dreaming that | vas being broiled on an
immense gridiron, for the purpose Of flying
me ont, and that the fat was running fFSn
me 10 innanerabls rivsls.s, which WAS bsisg
caught in little tin caps, and cold bys strades-
men of al descriptions, I arrived IA Syra-
cuse, and there awoke, delighted to 6nd that
/ had retained my accustomed flesh, and that
the gongs were sounding exstatic announce.
ments Of sdinner.' will write you again.
soon. Till then, believe mo your much sn-a
noyed "TAT coSTRrBgrER."