The Cass County Republican. [volume] (Dowagiac, Mich.) 18??-1880, 1858-05-27
From the Home Journal.
Thirty Years an Old Maid. s.

rTOln TIE IlOIne JOurn;i.
Thirty Years an Old Maid. fic
Not that I date from that midnight
hour when flushed and frantic, my
father exclaimed with ungodly empha-
sis, "Confound it another girl - ~,
| In my behalf, Dame Grady gave him
a look at that moment that ought to
have annihilated him with its depreci-
ating candor, as he deposited me, like
a half-stifed kitten, in the roomy depths
of an easy chair. Why didn't some
body take a seat?
i have no particular delights associ-
ated with those days and years of my
earliest maidenhood. / recollect that
/ rebelled furiously at the parental sug-
gestions received by the channel of
slippers, whips and whalebones, until,
taking painfully deliberate view of
myself in mirror one day, ] came to
the conclusion that, in view of my
mousy hair, spotted nose and porcine
eyes, my mother had my sympathies.
At the budding age of fifteen, when
the protective law ought to limit the
liberties of young females to the area
Of a State Asylum, [ was the fifth Miss
Thompson, and mighty discordant
fifth at that. / recollect that on my
first appearance in society l so shocked
parental propriety by telling a regular
old Scotch terrier of a parson that the
angels in the g Court of Death" looked
insufferably bored, that l was warned
to keep myself in arrears to society
thereafter, and cultivate the solemnities
of life as | would propagate my eye
brows.
Unfeeling parent! He touched my
tender point then; for, up to that hour
l had never discovered anything in my
face, in that locality, but a broken arch
Of downy fur-very unpropitious as a
symptom, and as foundation utterly
deficient of hair dye or burnt cork. 1t
seemed to me that / stood in rather
unpromising light as regarded that
ultima Hule Of young ladies' hopes
matrimony and final settlement; but
/ firmly made up my mind that l need
not expect my four predecessors to be
my precedents i'll the matrimonial line,
and so l prepared to launch forth. AS
the paternal income was annually alb
sorbed in "dry goods, boots and Shoes, y
for the Thompsons' dynasty, / could
not rely on the "plum" in which, as
some children take a pill, | might be
dexterously administered to some poor
bilious soul; so, after fearful perplex-
ity, i resolved to devote myself to lite
rature. Shall ever forget my tedions
jobs with Pope and Milton, my ghostly
encounters with the ancients, or my
abortive bor'ings in Whateley's Ele-
ments ?" Many browse overlook me
just as the fallen angels assembled to
war, and l never found out who came
off best, or even if they fought at all.
Many time did / plunge into the
muddy depths of syllogism, and as reg
ularly came up to the surface like a
puff ball. But my father began to look
upon me as a celebrity. / bore myself
with such inflated confidence, that ]
have no doubt, had 1 been cut off at
that rare ripened state, the village Gem
etery would have been adorned with
my classic bust reposing on a perfect
fertilization of books, and literary
pamphlets gracing my head with the
drapery. l can't keep back a pitiful
sigh sometimes, when think how fruit
loses its value when over ripened.
!. Just as had got into besieging condi-
ton, and had tortured my conversa-
tional impulsiyeness into intellectual
gasps, l took by storm a worthy Baptist
\ minister. a 5e nt Ei91 .lf.
! Elder Borden was a close mouthed,
close listed, close communion Baptist.
"Hard she'll" down on the little candi-
! dates, for immersion, and rather con-
| tracted generally. He was so welded
to the principle Of needs being meas
ured by means, that if he had only fifty
cents to spend on pantaloons he would
have religiously purchased only fifty
cents worth. Elder Borden did not
reach my standard. Although e'was
grateful and refreshing to my thirsty
vanity, and called me "Peri, pearl,
plum and pomegranite," most vehe-
mently, had a silly suspicion Of his
sincerity; and in spite of my little pull
backs in a personal way, / felt inclined
to be more like other women. Not
withstanding Elder Borden'ss gloomy
: hints that he should take the first OPP
portunity of immersion in the mill race
to bury his disappointment in six feet
of water, / assured him / was too
young yet to think of the connubial
estate. The last / saw of Elder Bor-
den, he went forth on gale of wind,
his coat cleft like dilapidated pennon,
and his battered heart comfortably en-
wrapped in red flannel shirt, which l
detected as it peeped out, greatly to his
reverend discredit s1 - e3i4i3ffs1f
My next admirer was a dashing col
onel, not quite accountable out of Jail,
and willing to dispense with any tedious
process of counting. / brought him
low by bombshell of fattery, and
peppered him with squibs of military
& 1 - l. = IA -