The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1858-03-12
EVERY WIFE HER OWN TOR
MENTOR.
LESSON FIRST.
IN THREE EASY LESSONS.


ing domestic discomfort with fatal facili
ty; and as it is possible that one young
woman in ten thousand is Ignorant of the
ways and means, | need make no apology
/ think, for making an iteration for hei
sake.
In the first place, my very ignorant
young friend, when your husband takes
up the newspaper in the morning, instead
of your hand, as may possibly happen,
turn your face resolutel Y TO the wall, bite
your fngcr-nails, or scratch on the win
dow pane first sufficiently to attract atten-
ton. When your natural husband looks
up and inquiries what is the matter, as
may possibly happen on the first trial,
scratch or bite, as the case may be, more
perth .ciously. If he puts down the pa
per, and comes to you-and such behay-
ior, it has been computed, manifests itself
about once in century-writhe yourself
out of his arms; and when his inquiry as
to what is the matter is repeated-which
you may safely calculate upon - say
NotAing" and however often the repe-
tition occur, don't for your life relax q
muscle, or make any other reply. Pout-
ing is most successful method of open
ing the eyes Of the husband to the sweet
ness Of your temper, of asserting your dig
nifty, and the impossibility Of condescend-
ing from it, and also elciting the admira-
ton due to it,
When breakfast is ready pretend you
don't hear the bell, and not till you
have been reminded of it four or five
times must you show any disposition to
rise from the humble footstool on which
you are contemplating the wall paper, or
the pattern Of the carpet il; the darkest
corner of the room. When you are per-
suaded that the patience of your monster
of husband has been stretched to its ut
most limit, push him angrily from you if
he offers TO assist you, brush roughly past
him, and indicate, by looks as well as
acts, that you Win see Kim in purgatcry
before you accept any of bfs assistance
until, indeed, he mas usi~Sa ~--.vP.-.s.
and, furthermore, paid for it, by the pre-
senta,ien Of silk gown, diamond ring,
a bracelet, or some equally valuable arti-
Gle by which pardons for like offences are
purchasablc.
When YOU arc seated at the breakfast
table, begin to write on your plate with
the handle of your fork, in such n way as
shall indicate that never in the course of
your natural life do you expect to have
any other use for fork. If it occurs to
you tc make the letters you shape spell
your maiden name, it will be source of
extreme qualification to yourself, aud not
the slightest annoyance 20 any other indi-
yidual
When your coffee is being prepared,
give directions, in voice 20 low that no.
body can understand you, to have It " rery
weak k"-thcrcby indicating to your hus
band that your delicate nerves have un-
dergone horrible shock.
Il your landlady or other person make
inquiry as to your condition, answer, de-
jectedly, that yov have headache -
which, from the sanction of common con-
sent, means everything and nothing in
particular. The headache leaves the pre-
sumption open that your heart is ossify-
ing, your Lungs decomposing, or your en-
tire humanity cancerous.
No wife should omit to get the defni-
tion of headache perfectly
When your husband offers you beef
steak, omelet, or other appetizing relish,
give him to understand that he is heap
ing insult upon injury. At the same
time your intercourse with him as far as
words 90, mast be excessively polite
You must say "Thank you Sir, SO inge-
nously as to make it seem as if you said,
"The deuce take you :" 1t can be done,
as might be shown by ten thousand exam
pies. Sip your coffee with your teaspoon,
as if YOU uouH swallow a little of it if
you possibly could and take up crumb
of dry toast-it will show forth so clo-
quently your disposition to appear better
in health thar you are J to make light
Jour suferings.
If this procedure fail to elicit any ten
derer demonstration, when the meal Is
about midway Of its progression-a fact
easily determined, if you are at board
ing g-house, by the emptiness of the gravy
platter, which usually occurs at this peri
Od-rise demurcly, put your hand to your
forehead snd stagger out of the reom.
If your husband follow you, call him
:" Ny dear"-say he is very kind-you
don't want him to trouble himself on your
account you are not worth minding,
ETC., etc.-all of which phrases, and sun
dry others, will present themselves TO any
female mind The time IN
Iervening between the breakfast and busi-
ness hours use with wise reference to
making your husband miserable. i wo'd
suggest, as favorite AMI effectual means,
lashing yourself on the sofa, and burying
your face in the cushion; pacing to and
FRO across your chamber with rapiS aud
irregular steps, aud most perseyerIng
md obstinate continuity Of silence. When
your husband takes up his hat affect not
70 see tit may bring hiw to speech,