davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
VOL. 30. NO. 13.
SOBER HHMoR

DEAcos MARLoW was sober fellow and
we heard him say that be never laughed in
church but three times in bis life, and then
be said be would defy turkey to keep
straight face.
! was preaching one Sunday evening,
when noticed oae-eyed little chap, away
back in the corner. take pin aud piece of
thread out Of bis pocket, bite the thread and
then poke it round towards the fiery whiskers
Of a person who sat in pew ahead, and
then pretended to thread his needle. This
he did several times.
Another iilne noticed young man,
With bis head lying back and bis mouth vide
open, snoozing itof as comfortably as might
be expected, when an urchin in the gallery
above, deliberately, took ont a chew Of
tobacco, let it drop. but instead Of lis.
entering his mouth, as intended, il took
bin slap on the nose, just as made use Of
the sentence, sAad be caused the rain TO
fall in torrents,' and being about half AVA
kened, he slowly put his hand to his face
and exclaimed, And no what drops"
Thirdly, while preaching from text in
tbs llth chapter Of the First Book of Kings
| made use IF the sentence, land be had
seven hundred wives,'' when an oldish chap
who was half awake, exclaimed audibly
enough TO be heard all over the old church,
'.J-e-e rusalem, il must have cost him sorne-
thing for broonsticks, if lbey are all like
my Betty
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
IT'S EVER TBUS.

When the stars of hope go IN the dark SKY
of despair, more than funeral gloom set
ties thick aud impenetraele upou the con-
cave of the soul--a gloom which neither
the gleam Of fancy nor the light of philos-
ophy can remove. Such hope is more
common than despair aud it should be so,
else would mankind soon become berett Of
its high aid lewly souls. Despair may
sometimes know the lightning of change but
It's destructive and brings nc relief. Kind
Heaven have mercy upon those whom
fate or fortune has rendered deficient: for
to them 20 pleasure comes in anticipation
or in reality They are stunned often.
though their proud minds and partiality
callous souls brook no compisseratioD.
Despair, thou baleful companion, accom-
ranying the most intellectual seemingly as
a shadow OF genius, ray.
How many know despair knowledge
CLEANED from the viciSitude Of circums,au
ces, the selfshness of the false faith and
fictitious jogmas' He would seek to know
10 hfe's broad desert q siugle verdsnt spot
or expect to inhale one blooming flowers
fragrance amid the gathering sentiment of
despair, for it viii prove seductive for that
lures US with smile bewitching kiss.
Experience teaches US despear, but we
should not be taught We should ssrug-
gle with our might against it; for It's the
bane of life the loser of heaven Oh earth
though precursor of fadeless bliss in eter-
ity
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
RATHER STRONG

Why is it my son, that when you drop
your bread aud butter, it is always the
buttered side down'
don't know. 1t hadn't ought TO, had
iti The strongest side ought to be upper
most, hadn't it, maa aud this yere is some
of the very strongest butter ever
seed !"
aHush up; it's some Of your aunt's churn-
ing"
@Did she churn III The great lazy
thing"
"What, your aunt"
"This yere butter To make that poor
old woman churn if, when ii is strong
enough to churn itself"
':Be still, Ziba; it only wants working
over"
"Wcll, marin; if Is you, when l did it,
I'd put in lots of molasses!"
"You good-for-nothingl I've ate a
great deal worse in the most aristocratic
New York boarding houses''
swell, people of rank ougH to eat
IT,"
"Wby people Of ranka"
''Cause it's rank butter"
"YOu varmint, you What makes you
talk so smart2''
"The buffers taken the skin IF my
tongue, mother"
ezi5a, don't lie. l can't throw away
the butter. 1t d1n't signify"
81 tell you what I'd do with it, narm.--
Ia keep it to draw blisters. You ought to
see the flies keel over and die as soon as
they touch H."
'.ziba, don't exaggeratei but here's twea-
ty-fge cents, 60 TO the store, aud buy a
pound of fresh. .'--.N Y Pieay4ns.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
A SISTERS LOVE.

s lady who has lately lost 4 brother By
death, writes US in a vein of touching
sadness, to which many hearts viii respond;
i cannot tell you how deeply ] ar
stricken by this sudden bereavement. Day
after day stand and gaze after linn,
s;retehing out my hands towards the uu-
known shore-calliag on him for some
assurances that he still IS, and not lost for
ever: but cannot help utteriug III man
DIE, shall he LIVE again!' Were the world
mine, would give it to be treasured on
this one point, upon which never in my life
before, has fallen shadow of my doubt
All, mourning sister, that skeptical qnes-
ton which now tortues you, and has
tortured millions of bleeding hearts, was
answered to the weeping sisters of Bethany
once and for all.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
FUTURE JUDGMENT.

A minister was preaching to large
congregation in one of the Southern States,
on the certainty of future julgmeas. In
the gallery, sat q colored girl, with a white
child in her arms, which WAS dancing up
and down with commeniable effort, to make
baby observe the proprieties OF the place,
The preacher was to1 mleh interested in
bis su6ie;t to notica tha o,casion al noise of
the infant; AMI at the right point IN his
discourse, threw himsslf into an in,erestin 2
attitude, as though he had suddenly heard
the first note of the trump Of doom, and
looking towards that part of the church
where the girl with the baby in her arms
was sitting, ha asked in a low deep voice:
s'What is that haaran
Before be recovered from the oratorical
pause, SO as to answer his own question,
the colored girl responded, in q modified
tone of voice, but not loud enough to catch
the ears Of the entire congregation:
II domino, sa spec it dis here chile; but
indeed, sa, has been doin' all could to
keep him from sturbin youn
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

SINGULAR CASE OF MARgIAGE.-A GER
respondent of the Abingdon Eirginian,
writing from Marion, Smythe County,
relates singular case Of marriage. He
says.
We have, within half a mile of this place,
an individual who has remained IN pne
position fat on his back for sixteen years
or more His joints are as stiff as though
be never had any; he can move his head
slightly, can move his hands little, Is
unable to eat single mouthful, unless put
into his mouth BY another person; IS fats
very hearty aud cheerful: and within the
last two years has married good looking
and hearty girl, and is raising family Of
children. The clergyman who married this
man, said he had some scruples about it,
until be had long conversation with both
of the parties. lie saw they were bent on
being married. The young lady stood by
the bedside Of the groom-she could not
take his hand FIR be could not reach it out
and they were made one
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A Russia RAILRoAD.--Nicholas the
First, of Russia, had quite an original way
of trapsaeting business. He sent one day,
for his engineers, and gave them eight days
to bring him the route of railroad to con-
meet St. Petersburg with Moscow. At the
end of the allotted time the plan was pre-
pared.
What, said he, looking at it,-what is all
this-tbis serpentine track You have mis-
understood me.
Sire, said the spokesman, we have draft
ed the shortest route which would embrace
on the line the leading towns aud villages.
Give me pencil. and rule, he said, and
be struck bee liue from one city to the
other. Here-you understand me7
But, sire, you leave the largest towns
entirely out of sight.
That is their affair, LET them come within
sight.
Aud so the road was built as straight as
an l.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A noted politician was recently caught
BY friend perusing the Scriptures Upon
asking him what particular portion Of the
good book be had selected for examination,
he replied: i am reading the story about
loayes and ishes
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

07"Au' viii ye be afther telling what
kind O. baste ye call thisan said a newly
arrived Irishman, holding up wasp be-
tween his thumb and finger. s'Och, mpr-
der spake quick, for he's biting me -
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

N-"There is a woman at the bottom of
every mischief" said Joe. "Yes," replied
Charley, ''when used to get into mischief,
my mother was at the bottom of me. But
it never did any good--it only taught me to
cheat and lie ike the devil.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
TIE NOBLE REVENGE.


able pine cofin. No flowers on its top-nc
lining of rose white satin for the pale brow
mo smooth ribbons around the coarse
shroud. The brown hair was laid decently
back, but there was 30 crimped cap, with
its neat tie beneath the chain. Sufferer
from cruel poverty smiled in her sleep, she
had found bread, rest and health.
4 want to see my mother sobbed the
poor child as the city undertaken screwed
down the top of the coffin.
'You can't-get out of the way, boy; why
don't somebody take the brat!'
s0nly let me see her one minute,' cried
the hapless, homeless orphan, clutching the
side,of the charity box, and as he gazed
into that rough face, anguisheG tears
streamed rapidly down the cheek on which
no childish bloom ever fingered. q it was
pitiful to hear him cry, '0nly once let me
see my mother, only once.'
Quickly and blutally the hard hearted
monster struck the boy away, SO hat he
reeled with the blow For moment the
boy stood panting With grief and rage; his
blue eyes distended, his lips spsangapart, a
fire glittered through his tears, as be raised
bis puny arm, aud with mos; umhildisb
accent screamed, when I'm man, III
kill you fer that
There was a coffiu aud heap Of earth be-
tween the mother and the poor iersaken
child and monument stronger than granite,
built in his boy-heart to the memory Of a
heartless deed.
The court room was crowded to sufoca-
ton
'Does any one appear as this mans coun-
SELF asked the judge.
There was silence when he finished, mn
til with his lips tightly pressed tog,ther, a
look of strange intelligence blended with
naughty reserve upon his handsome fea-
lures, young man stepped forward With a
firm tread and kindling eye TO dead for
the erring aud the friendless. ils we :
stranger, bat from his first sentence there
was silence. The splendor Of his genius
entrancea-convineed
The man who could not find friend
was acquitted.
"May God bless you, sir, 7, cannot
81 want no thanks replied the stranger
with icy coldness.
"f-I believe you are unknown to me-
''Man, I viii refresh your memory. A
bout twenty years ago you struck broken
hearted boy away from his poor mother ;
coffin. l was that poor boy.
The man turned livid.
'sHave you rescued me then, in order to
take my lifea'
''No, ihsye sBeeter revenge; have
saved the life of the man whose brutal deed
has ranked IN my breast for twenty years.
Go and remember the tears Of a friendless
and forsaken child
The man bowed his h cad 10 shame, and
went out from the presence of magnan-
unity as graud to him as the incomprehen-
sible, and the noble young lawyer felt
God smile in his soul forever after.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A member of the Lazy Club has just been
expelled for going at a gait faster than a
walk. The resussent offered in mitigation
Of sentence the fact that the sheriff was
after him, but the society was inexorable
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A lady of weallhpu her daughter, who
had been pampered by Incidence uuaer a
governess. Upon calling to inquire how
her daughter progressed with her studies
she was told, not very we'll.
Why, what is the reasou2'
'Shs wants capacity
well, you know / don't mind expense,
you must purchase her one Immediately.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A witty fellow slipped down on an icy
pavement. While sitting. he nuttered, II
have no desire to see the town burned down,
but ] sincerely wish the streets were laid
in ashes"
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

'How is your husband this afternoon
Mrs. Squiggsp why the doctor says how if
be lives till the morning, he shall have scnle
hopes of him, but ii he dent he must give
him up
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

'John,' said doting parent to her rather
Unsuitable boy, 'ean you eat that pudding
with inpunityp Il don't know, ma re-
piled Joung hopeful, but | guess ! can with
a spoon
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A witty doctor says that tight lacing is
public benefit, inasmuch as il kills oil the
foolish girls, and leaves the wise ones TO
grow up TO be women.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

REMEDYING A FINE Irish weaver
just imported from the Emerald Isle, took
his employer, in KilmaFuock, Scotland,
lately, tue frst cloth he had woven since
his arrival.
Upon examination his employer detected
two holes in the piece, within half an inch
of each other, and told hin be must pay a
fine Of shilling for each Lole.
AN plaze your honor, is it the number
Nv holes, or be the size uv them, thaiye PCT
the fine on u.s. saiG Paddy.
BY the number ot holes, to be sure.
And big hole and small hole is tie
same price,
yes
Then give me hould Nv that piece, said
Paddy.
Ii was handed to bin, when, with his
fingers, he deliberately tore the two small
holes into one, triumphantiy exclainling
BE the piper that played before Moses,
an thatll save shilling, anyhrE.'
TIE good natured employer laughed
heartily atAthe odd experiment. and forgaVe
poor Paddy his fine.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

If the doctor orders bark, has not tho
patient right to growa
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

SCENE IN "THE HoUsE" "-"My op-
ponent, SIR. Speker, persists ia saying that
he is cntitled to the floor. Whether this is
SO or not, shall not step to inquire. All
that have got to say ls,that whether he is
entitled to the aoor or not, he'll get fOored
if be interrupts ine again
Here The gentleman from Bloody Creek
pulled up his sleeves, and took of his
neck-tie.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

A QUESTION For LAWYERS" Mr..
Magistrate, want to ask you one question.
Has man got right to commit a nui-
sancel'
"No, sir; not even Mayor"
''TheL, sir, claim my liberty. / wa.
arrested as a nuisanee-ani as 20 man has
right to commit NE, move for a non-
suit
The question has been carried up.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

WHAr WoMES FoRnET.-R Recently ono
of the most rsnouued pulpit orators, the
Abbey De Dagaeryy, observed in sermona
'.Women, new a-days forget in the astoun-
dug amplitude Of their dress, that the
gates Of heaven, are very narrow"
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

'hother ! should not be Surprised i our
Susan got ehoked some day
Why, my soBs'
Because der beau twisted his arm around
her neck the other night, and if she had NOT
kissed him he would have strangled Ler
besides mother. he sits by her and whispers
TO her and be hugs her.
Why, Edward, Susan does not suffer
that, does sher
Suffer thst-golIyl she loves i.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

a COOP osE-Darid Croeket happened
to be pre- sent at an exhibition of animals,
SOME tine ago, at least in the city Of Wash
ington, where monkey seemed TO attract.
his especial attention, and he abstraetedly )
observed,
IF that fellow had on pair of spec
tacles he would look ike Major Wrigh, Of
Ohio
The Major happened to be yast behind
Crockett, and overheard the observation,
aud gently tapped Davy Oh the shoulder,
Turning around Davy very formally re,nar-
ked-
III be hanged, Majer, if know whose
pardon to ask, yours or the Monkeys
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

Mike, if you meet Pat, tell him to
make haste"
asure an. viii, said Nike, .'but what
shall teil him il don't mate hins'
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

4 Jolly old darkey down South bought
himself new shiny hat, and when it COM
menced raining be put it under bis coat
When asked why he did not keep his haton
he replied.
DE hats mine, bought him wild my own
money; head longs to massa; let hin take
care lie own property
A gentleman once asked the celebrated
DIR. Abernetby if he thought the moderate
use of snuff would injure the brains No
SIR was Abernethy's prompt reply, for no
man with single ounce OF brain would
ever think Of taking snuff.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27

Dobbs IS a strong believer ia guardian
angels lfit was not for them, be asks,
what would keep people from rolling out Of
red when they are asleep
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
a MODEL WOMAN.

Did you not say Ellen that Mr.. B
is poor
Yes be has only bis profession
VIII your uncle favor his suitl
No ani can expect nothing from han.
Then Ellen you will have 10 resign fash
ionabe society.
Ne matter shall see ile more of Fred.
You must give up expensive dress.
Oh Fred admires simplicity.
You cannot keep carriage.
But we can have delightful walks.
You must take a small house and furnish
il plainly.
Yes for elegant furniture would be out
of place in cottage
You viii have to cover your floors with
cheap thin carpe's.
Ga then ishall hear bis steps the sooner.
-Cayaga Chief.
Bedford inquirer and chronicle. [volume] (Bedford, Pa.) 1854-1857, 1857-03-27
sHARp.-Three small boys went into a

SHARP.-Three small boys went into an
apothecary's store a few days since, when
the youngest urchin cried out
"a cents worth of rock candyi"
"Don't sell cents WORTH" wss the re-
ply.
The boys adjourned outside and held a
consultation, and they entered, all smiling.
"Do you sci! three Genus worthr'
eyes, viii sell three cents WORTH"
"Weil, we don't want any," was the
quick response, as the boys left the store
Hoops in tie 0ldsn TIme.-The follow
ing lines are copied from an old magazine
"Ye white bridled widows, young virgins S
and old,
Who wear hooped petticoats, we take it
for granted,
Indeed, the case is so plain, that We need
not be told,)
IT'S the true swell Of nature alone that
is wanted"
Semi-weekly standard. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1853-18??, 1857-05-20
PROPOSALS
For Erecting Marine Hospital at Whining.
ton. N. C..
TREASURY DEPARTMENT,
Washington Anril 9Th l2S7


PROPOSALS WILL i Be RscE17Ep Al Tais be-
parment until the 18th day of june A; D. 1857: at
O'Clock, A. NJ for the construction of the Marine Hos
ptal authorized to be erected at Wilmington N. c.,
eordng to the plans and specifications prepared at this
building separate for the different kinds Of work bills Of
parcels must in every case accompany each bid with the
OUT the Department reserng the right to reject accept
the proposals hereby invited any parts thereof when
deems the interest of the United States requires the
Department also the right exclude the bids Of
any person or persona whom there Just cause to believe
have by and ali
there shall be parties in interest who do not join in the
bids and all bids that upon Investigation are below fair
Bids will not be received in gross and contract will
be awarded to bidder unless details furnished the
Department of the prices of the ferent kinds of work
and materials which shall be subject to the revision of the
Department that it adopt the whole part of the
Ninety cent Of the AMOUNT of work done and mate
rails delivered according to contract price said
fhs q al the
time the work progresses and ten per cent retained
until the Of the contract and Of the
event Of non-ful6ment Of contract.
Contracts will be awarded only to master builders and
mechanics and the assignment thereof except by consent
same.
Each proposal must be accompanied by written guar.
antee signed by two responsible persons Certified to be
by the United States District Judge or Attorney Of the
said Distrcr in the of $1,000 for the whole work
OLA ProPorona.e smoun II LOT any part tnat the ocoer
contract and bond with proper and sufficient securities
for its faithful performance
FORM of bond and certificate required will be furnished
on application to the Department.
Plans, specifications and working drawings will be ready
the 18th day Of May next when they can be had on
plieaton to the Department.
No Iii .ou be considered unless It fully compes IN all II
d.ais Vith the requirements Of tbs ADVERTISEMENT
The proposals must be sent to this Department address
proposals for the Wilmington, n. c., Marine Hospital
and win be opened at o'clock p n, of the last DAY n
- ~. HOWELL COBB,
Secretary Of the Treasury.
April IA, 1857. 1ls0-w2m.
Semi-weekly standard. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1853-18??, 1857-05-20
FREIGHT ARRIVALS

FREIGHT ARRIVALS
FROM Portsmouth, AND PETERSBURG, Va, VIA HAInaH =
CASTOR RAILROAD. rs
For the North.Carolina Railroad Co.
.''-.-..- 1.r SIX MAY 16, 1857.
Hlzsbor0'-J Turner, B. RufHn, Whitted, P @ Cam.
eron, Burwel
CnrLotts-Young Williams. -5 t-H g
Norrisviue-Isaac Long, Bib. Bark & Bro. q = ,
Durhams-J s feathers, Prof NJ Feer, R. B. Sanders,
Cheek, W Thompson, Long McCsuly, A Mangum.
H;qh Point-W Lash. e@,hSsH
GTuham-Wurtn, B Morton, 4 Harden.
Lerington-J Rodman.
Grseas1oro-R G Lindsey, 8 Archer, W Hawkins, o.
born P. & Al Balsley.
Cbncord-Phifer York.
.SdLem-F H Fries.
Salisbury-J Weber, J Chambers
Aebane's-T Mebane 4 Co., D Foust
a, Haso Riocr-B McCray.
(1olasboro'-W Ball. Cog '
GribsonuiNe-J Neese
Dwhams-J W McCauly, B DeQuincy. a.
Semi-weekly standard. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1853-18??, 1857-05-20

- We extract the following from letter writ
ten by North. Carolinan residing temporarily
in Arkansas:
81 am glad to see that the Hon. B. Craige has con-
Guided again to stand for Congress in the 7th Dis
trict. He is whole souled man and first rate
Representative. He stands hugh, you know have
no doubt of his election. think, however, the K.
Ms "as. used to be-" but now the American
Wigs" believe, will find some one who has per-
feet horror for Office yet willing to take the honor
OF defeat by the gallant Burton; but we will
"stowe him away" The voters of the 7th District
know Craige's worth and appreciate it. l am glad
also to notice that Clngman a candidate, and sup
pose there is not the least doubt of his election
lie has national reputation, deservedy. In pas
sing through his District last winter, frequently
talked with the hardy mountaneers," and found
they had an abiding confidence in Clingman-some
who had never supported him were Tor him then
In this District too, l presume some patriotic
American" can be found willing to be inundated
for the good of protestaatism and distribution.
The Democracy, and all who are willing to give
Mr.. Buchanan fair trial, certainly will elect such
men will stand by him, and not those willing to
join any ranks, against the common enemy"
North-Carolina ought, and tn nix certainly will,
send to the next Congress larger number of Dem
ocrats." S.
Semi-weekly standard. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1853-18??, 1857-05-20

CHERAw AND Coal FIELDS RALRoAD.-A friend
at Carthage writes that or the 9th inst, " Mr..
McDuffie, Engineer, with his company, commenced
the survey of the Chcraw and Coal Fields Railroad
at Carthage. He is now laying off the route from
this point to Deep River. Next week he expects to
commence laying out the line from Carthage to Che
raw This is to be air line survey from the Coal
Fields on Deep River, via Carthage, to Cheraw."
FauetteuiWe Obs