The Council Bluffs nonpareil. [volume] (Council Bluffs [Iowa]) 1857-1867, 1857-09-26
&2suSi From the Chicago Tribune. $50
tswESTwARD THE STAR OF EMPIRE
seyr a4sezs TAKES ITS WAY" te q

SwEsTwARD THE STAR OF EMPIRE
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sqR From our Skewbsll Correspondent.
sa SxEwBALL Cry, N. T., Aug. 20, 1857.
Ihaye arrived at Skewball; / have loca-
ted in Skewball; came, l saw, settled in
Skewball-the city of Skewball. Skewball
is so called from old Skewball, who owns
the bigger part of it, and is principally in
habited by old Skewball, Mrs. Skewball and
the young Skewballs. Perhaps you would
like to know where it is, but don't intend
to satisfy your impertinent curiosity; old
Skewball is able to advertise if he wants to-.
Skewball has an Eastern Agent, noisy,
puffy, fussy, rich old fat fellow, who takes
snuff all day long, does vast amount of
nothing with the greatest precision and ex-
actitude, and who goes into ecstacies over
the erection Of slab shanty in Skewball.-
Eastern agent has map, a big map, q
broad map, u very colossus of maps, which
it is his peculiar delight to unroll, calmly,
carefully and deliberately, to the wondering
gaze of anybody in general, from bank
director to darky boy. 1t is study to see
him perform this operation, deliberately, as
if he were lifting the linen from an heir
which Mrs. Eastern Agent had just present.
ed him; mysteriously, as if he were unroll-
ing a mummy; and solemnly, as if he " ere
holding the key to new California. He
opens It, and before the enraptured gaze is
spread, glittering in all the colors Of the
rainbow, a magnificent array of streets, ave-
nues, alleys, blocks, parks, fountains, and
squares, laid out rectangularly and regular
ly, mathematically and majestically. And
here must record one point in which full
ly agree with Eastern Agent, namely, that
there is not in the world better laid out
city than Skewball; alongside of it, New
York, Philadelphia and Chicago are mere
conglomerations or cow-paths. The intense
satisfaction with which Eastern Agent re-
CARDS this triumph of draughting, is beyond
imagination, and still further upon des-
cription. He looks down beyond the be-
holder with an air of mingled victory and
benignity, asif he had gratuitously and mag
unanimously opened to you the way to wealth
and a path to Paradise to boot. He loves
this map; he adores it,; he cherishes it. He
has had big tin hogshead built on purpose
to hold it; he makes his dog lie down by it
daily, and hires watchman to guard it by
night. When he admires it in all its UNDER
spread grandeur, his feelings overcome him,
oleaginous emotion is apparent upon his
shining countenance, he wipes his perspring
nose with a damp handkerchief and you can
almost see the greasy tears gittering in his
oily eyes. He loves it better than that map
which represents Skewball rs the centre Of
the North American continent and the focus
of the western railroad system, better than
Mercator's map of the world, crossed in all
directions with black, red aud blue streaks
in which Skewball is proved to be on the air
line from everywhere to everywhere, on the
route that all creation must inevitably take
to get to any point in the universe, Gin fact
how Christopher Columbus ever discovered
America without coming across Skewball is
a problem that snuff and science have not
yet been able to solve for Eastern Agent.)
But this isn't getting your humble servant
to Skewball. "Sufice it to say," as people
say when they want to make short story
long, that Eastern Agent conceived fancy
for me, r. Samson; that he wished to make
the "eternal fortune" Of the aforesaid; that
he, ogre-like, conveyed me, the aforesaid,
to his den in Wall street; that he unrolled
before me, privately, confidently and trium
phantly, the radiant and rectilinear glories
of THE MAP; of Skewball as if he believed it
all; that he seemed to think the only ''plan
of salvation'' was to go to Skewball, and
that Paradise was located and laid out on
the Skewball prairie; finally, that he filed
my skull so full of Skewball, that dream
cd of Skewball all night, and asked my
landlady for cup ef Skewball in the NOR
ming. He gave me an enormous letter ad-
dressed to sSilas Skewball, ESQ.,, Skewball,
Slumkup County, Nebraska Territory, in
PRODUCING X. Sampson Pickawn, ESQ., and
like new Columbus, started to discover
Skewball. a
But have not time to tell you how ar-
rived here, nor to describe the small parti-
culars in which Skewball the actual, differs
from Skcwball of Eastern Agent. Call down
and see me; it is only two hundred and iif-
ty miles offthe railroad, and you might pos
sibly get a horse at Slinkopee station, unless
wet weather should come on.
Yours respectfully,
1880. r, SiNsON pIcKAWN