Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1857-01-21

We have recently published some glowing ac-
counts of the Western country, which were tne
sentiments of one of our citizens who had visit
ed it: but rs there are two sides to every ques-
ton, we now give the following adverse account,
with the simple remark that it agrees with our
views on the subject We would not exchange
the healthy hills of Western Virginia for all
the shakes aud tadpoles of the West, even If a
man does occasionally go there and die in two
years, worth Thousand dollars Ctarks6urg
Register.
Westward Ho!
An ague-stricken hypocondriac, who has been
on trip out this way, thus answers some ques-
tions in a letter to the Saturday Evening Post;
THE first question comes from Cambrldgepor',
Mass, and reads as follows: which is.the best
time for going West, Spring or Autumn?" 2"
"The best time for going West is when you
have the most money about you, and the least
fear of losing it. If you come in the spring, you
are sure to shake yourself to death before fall
If you come in the fall. you live until spring, il
YOU don't freeze to death before you get there
ii You come at all you had better get your
stomach lined with waterproof cement, SO as to
be able to digest corn bread, bacon and whls-
kew: for this is all we have to eat, except few
French hogs, and bilious looking tadpoles. which
we can catch when the river runs down.
Second question n-What part of the West is
the best part to emigrate to, taking into consld-
Grafton the healthiness of the climates?
"A variety of opinions about that, my dear
fellow. Our Senator, Mr.. Douglas, says Nebras-
ka is the best. So it is, If you want to 60 into
the stock business, raising an unruly kind OF
mixed cattle that will stray off to Canada, IN
spite of the compromise of 1850 or 1925, or SEN
ator Douglas. Or, if you want to speculate in
papooses, white scalps, and get your own scalp,ss
faken off scientifically, go to Nebraska by all
means Ifyou want to play poker fora living
and set up whiskey drinking for business, live
on corn bread and bacon week days, and slip
perry elm bark on Sundays, come to Illinois. II
you want to go where they have no Sundays
nor anything to eat, only what they brought
from the East, go to Iowa, or you want to 60
to grass on all fours, and do as other kinds OF
cattle do, go to Salt Lake.
eff you want to go where they receive the
mail annually, where they live on wild cranber-
ries crumbled in water from the Mississippi rly-
er. where three wigwams make city, and a
paper of pins and a bar of Yankee soap make
merchant, go to Minnesota.
"Third ouestion-'Does the fever and ague
prevail much in Wisconsin,
"Of course it does. Nobody out West is fool
enough to ask such question. Everybody
shakes even the trees shake, you can't coax a
plum to stay on till it is good for anything; it
will shake a man out of bed, kick him out OF
duors. and shake the bedstead at him till he
gives it.up.
"Fourth question-'How long does pre-emp-
tion hold good2'
"That depends on circumstances. If you
have good rifle, and know how to use it, you
have chance to ten that you may live till you
starve to death. But if you can't stand 6re,and
are not good shot and quick one, take my
word for it. you had better stay in Jericho until
your beard be grown they are all too smart for
you in these woods.
"Fifth question-'Is the land to be had in
the northwest part of Ohio for $125 per acre,
and is it goodl"
"That's all fudge, got up by some spectators
to gull some greenhorns like you and me, for, to
the best of my knowledge and belief, Ohio was
worn out ten years ago. The whole business OF
the railroads in warm weather, is to carry back
persons who have been fools enough to go West
All the railroads are doing this winter is carry
ing dirt into Ohio out OF Michigan to raise few
beans and oats to keep the folks from starving
to death next summer.
GAS TO the land in the northwest of Ohio, it
is eighteen inches under water most of the year,
and will probable be worth $l.25 per acre when
water shakes and copper heads bring as much
per barrel in the New York market as potatoes
are worth per bushel in Alton.
"And lastly, he wants reliable information-a
short article in your paper relating to the sub
iect-and he wants to 60 to healthy location,
decent land, and fair water.
Exactly Why, my dear sir there is nc
such thing as reliable information out West, un-
less YOU pay well for it. A lawyer won't tell
the truth unless you give him $500, and then
you can't believe half he says.
"a witness won't tell the truth in court un-
less you first scare him DEATH and make him
swear he won't lie, and neither himself nor any
body else knows whether he tells the truth OF
not.
"On the whole,f you feel obliged by our short
article, so do l. If you want to 60 to healthy
country, stay at home. and don't be fool like
myself and come out West. And as for decent
land, my dear fellow, what do you meanl You
must know that our wild prairie is very indie.
cent especially when it is burnt over and left
as naked as when it was born. Ills true nature
weaves sort of fig leaf apron every summer out
of coarse kind OF grass, butit soon gets burnt
off, and is as indecent as ever.
"As for fair water, we have none it is all
bilious compost of liquid mud, dead buffaloes
fish and rotten rattlesnakes.
"Our common drink, when we can't get whis
ky, is one-thrd coffee, one-third prairie mud
and tobacco juice.
upon the whole, # You have good water,a ,ant
can get enough to eat, stay where you are.
Yours truly, w"