White Cloud Kansas chief. [volume] (White Cloud, Kan.) 1857-1872, 1857-07-23
Corresponding.
osroox. Mo-, July 10, 1851.


Mr.. Enrron:-The matrimonial agency Is 90
ing a thriving business. Numerous applications
have been made BY individuals, Of various con-
ditions, conple1ions, and proportions. All have
eyinced entire satisfaction except one eoapie-s
slab-sided, spiDdle-shanked, vbapperjawed,
crookedbacked, beet-nosed, bald1pate, crust5
bachelor, long since man Of mature age, and
peaked-nosed, weazle-faeed, red -beadedJ Cross.
eyed, freckled lady, of an age emitting her to
respect and veneration. These two hare evinced
q decided dislike for each other, on account Of
personal appearances, and the rather sparse man.
ner in which nature seems to have endowed them
with the charms common to humanity.
One young man, whose perceptions have moi
led him far enough into proper conception Of
the business We have undertaken, writes TO rs
for chaw tobacco" He has certainly mis-
taken the appropriation of " is cents To buy to-
bacco WITH intended for the private uses Of the
company, a intended for all applicants. But
that won't do; our hearts do no. open quite 90
vide. We can't afford to give every fellow a
'.ehaw," who comes along and demands 1t. Our
capital would soon waste away under the inAu-
ence Of such profuse liberality.
For fear that Others might fall into the same
error a. our young friend, We will lay clearly
before the public the object Of the tobacco ap-
preparation.
s-Whea the mind Il busy u follo1ing the me-
snderingS of difficult and twisty subject, it fire.
quently meets with tedious points and turns,
when the attraction of the physical powers, by
any occupation, however trifing it may seem,
may lead the mind to grasp securely the object
ODE attained. Thus thehabitual smoker, when
puzzled, must light cigar or pipe before he can
penetrate farther into the realms of thought
The tobacco chewer must have his quid. The
whiskey -guzzler bis dram-the Yankee stick
and jack-knife, and 80 on. In the absence Of
any Of these materials, some other physical ex-
ercise becomes necessary. A common practice,
chiefly prevalent among spectators, is to scratch
the top Of the head, proportioned in vigor to the
intensity Of thought; but this is Objectionable
On account of its destructive influence upon the
hair, causing badness, calamity to be avoided
by all persons who have proper care for what
Rieht turn up in the future. Oer bald-headed,
specializing skinner never looks to coming
events. His vision keeps pace with his ideas,
which only contemplate the present, searching
for the surest and quickest means of adding
more to his glitteriHg pile Ofwealth, even though
afeliow mortal may be deprived of means of
support. Such an idea does not come within his
naonfaunrAnRfos, ov.I a. r.
of a bald pate. 1t does not occur to him, if he
be bachelor, or married man, with prospect
Of becoming widower, that n might result to
his most serious disadvantage. Now, we, being
fully aware Of the many perplexities to be en-
countered in the profession we have chosen,
have agreed to adopt tobacco as our assistant.
We admit, however, that the use Of the weeds
very filthy, and an abOmination-that it causes
the breath TO smell bad, and the teeth to look
worse than rusty nails. But we intend, when in
our Office, To remain within the enclosure, and
keep our customers beyond smelling distance;
and then we don't intend to open our mouths
when we smile. So that, to all outward appear
ances, We viii still have the advantage of those
who smoke, drink, white, or scratch their nOg-
gins.
We are about to make an addition to our es-
tablishnent, for coopering purposes-the manu-
facture Of ladies' hoops. For this purpose we
have chartered hazel patch, and respectfully
announce that we will soon have about cord of
them ready for sale. We have made what we
deem to be an excellent improvement upon the
present form of hoops-an Improvement that
will Obviate the distressing calAmities frequently
oceasioned by the nigh winds of our prairies-
The form isvery simple, and most any one might
have thought Of it; but as we made the discov-
cry first, We claim the benefits of It, and want
spectators to stand back. Our improvement
consists in framing the hoops together in such
manner as TO make the fore and aft diameter
about three times the width across the beams
Then placing the occupant in one end Of the
frame, occupying a position similar to the sun
in the orbit Of a comet. This, as all navigators
know, will give the individual the entire control
Of the enclosure, and ensure q safe voyage
through the highest winds and most furious
storms. The oblong form spoken of was adopt
ed, that less resistance might be offered the at
mosphere, thereby increasing the rate Of female
velocity about ten-fold.
Now, Mr.. Editor, don'tpublish this until can
get out of town, as some of eur people have a
peculiar penchant for flying of the handle at
anything that fits their peculiar cases clearly
especially those who are not subscribers.
But, bachelors, old maids, spectators, swim
dlers, sdieu until next week.
T. FIDDLESTICKs PILESER & co.
AN INDIAN REPUBLIc.--Rev. Thos. S.
Williamson, . missionary, writes to the
st. Paul Times an interesting account of