The south-western. [volume] (Shreveport, La.) 1852-1870, 1857-05-13

Peonle should understand that when a mar
winks in an auction Shop it is supposed t.
mean something. Witness the following awk
ward misunderstanding
Smith, the auctioneer, is popular man,
wit and gentleman. No person is offended
at what he says, and many hearty laugh mas
he provoked by bis humorous sayings nc
was recently engaged 1t sale OF venerable
household furniture, and had knocked down
sundry lots Of kitchen furniture and hxens.-
He had just got to going, goag, and hall ana
a half-going, when he saw smiling coun-
tcnance, upon agricultural shoulders, Wlnklng
at him. 4 wink is always as good as nod to
blind horse OF keen-sighted anctloneer 80
Smith winked and the man Winked, and they
kept winking, and Smith kept going, going
going, with a lot of glassware, stove-pIpes,
carpets, pots and perfumery, and finally the
whole was knocked doWn-to a-who SAID
Smith gazing at the smiling stranger: Who
Goodee p said the stranger, Il dunno who"
WHY, YOU, SIR said Smith "Sno, me %
Yes, yes, ssid Smith ;+''you bid on the lot
Me ?Ill be goll darnea if did, insisted
the stranger. why, didn't you wink, and
keep winking ?" quoh the aactioneer. "Wink-
ing? Well, I did-so dil vou wink at me-
| thought you were winking, asmuch as to say
keep dark, I'll stick somebody on that lot OF
stuff, and | winked as much as to say Iii be
darned if you don't, mister p
A gentleman wanting a. pair Of boots made,
went TO German friend in that line OF bust
ness, and was measured. He called in few
days for his boots; but THO SHOEMAKER said his
wife was very sick and he must wait a little
L., "a b,7f+l falI NV
wife had just been buried, and in his over
whelming grief he could rot think of making
boots that week-wait little longer. Finally,
about two weeks after the Toor shoemaker S
bereavement, the gentleman called once more,
thinking that his boots must certainly be done
by that time.
"Well, my good friend, ale my boots done
yet?'
NO, tey bes not ton; nv wife tie, and |
have ton nothing bat take care of de babies all
de time" But" continued he, frightening
up, Il bes gon to be married tomorrow night;
den de first ting vat make is ter boots"
A gentleman being applied to for his auto
graph, declined, on the ground that he was of
d nervous temperament, and his signature,
written by request" would be any thing but
natural-"but," added he, ''if you place any
value upon my autograph, buy up some one of
my notes payable one day after date, of an
amount not exceeding said value, for as never
expect to pay the FIRST one Of Them, have
signed them all without the least emotion of
any SORT and the chrography is perfectly gen
uine, reliable and characteristic, ii Ghere is any
such thing
A renowned gentleman, lately preached |
tbnr
weighed and found wan,ing."i After the con
gregaton had listened about an. hour, some be-
gan to get weary and went out; Others soon fol-
lowed greatly to the annoyance Of the minis
ter Another started, whereupon the parson
stopped in his sermon and said: "trhat's right,
gentlemen, as fast as you are weighed pass
out" He continued bis sermon at some length
after that, but no one disturbed Him by leav-
ing the house.
Two Irishmen, on landing in this country, /
and sitting down to their first dinner on shore,
found on the table a dish of prepared mustard,
which neither of them had ever happened to
meet before.--One of them took a spoonful at
a venture, which quickly broughta deluge of
tears to his eyes
'fWhat are you crying about r asked his
companion.
81 was crying at the recollection of my poor
father, who was hung about twenty wears ago"
The dinner proceeded, and soon the other
made dip into the mustard with similar re-
suit.
What are you crying for?'' WAS the grave
inquiry of his comrade.
Il am crying because you were not hung
when your father was.'
When the com n7ittna IF tho FrnSooh
were employed in preparing a well known acad- |
envy dictionary, Cuvier, the celebrated natura-
list, came into the room where they were hold |
lng session. *'Glad to see you, Monsieur
Cugler," said one Of the forty; eve have just
finished q definition which we would like to
have your opinion. We have beer defining
the word crab, have explained i thus: Crab,
small red fish, WHICH walks backwards" per
feet, gentlemen said Cugier; S'only [ will
make one small observation in natural history:
The crab is not fsh-it is not,red-and it
does not walk backwards! With these excep-
lions, your definition is excellent.'
A traveller, who stopped at the Astor house,
New York, not long since, thus describes his
was nothing en- the table
for dinner but clean plate, wrong side up-a
clean towel-a split spoon, and hand billiard
what was worse than all, the insulting nigger
stepped up and asked me what I wanted; osVit-
tles!' says /, bring in your vitt1es and | will
help myself
A celebrated dandy was one everinGin COM
pany with ayoung lady and, observing her kiss
her fasorite poodle, he advanced and begged
the like favor, remarking that she ought to
have as much charity for him as she had shown
TO the dog, Sir" said the belle, II never
kissed ny dog. when he was puppy The
fellow took the hint, and was off instaIter.
Hard things to do.-To convince a mother
that her baby is ugly. ...
To persuade a young ladygto extend her
'mitten2 TO beau who is worth cool ten
thousand.
For dead Goldfish to climb greasdd sap
ping, tail foremost with loaf of bread in his
mouth.
To find man who's not very much inau
enced by money.
You are loafer-a man without calling
said judge to a person arrested as d vaerant
Il beg your pardon, your honor, have
;ocation" -,
.'What is it2'
smokes glasses for eclipses; but Just now
t is our dull season.
There is an old saw which says that acon-
ent is the true philosophers stone'' Brown
avs tits very likely-for no body has ever
ound either one or the other t