Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes County, Ohio) 1856-1865, 1857-11-12
ERsBURG, OHIO THURSDAY,
Westward Ho!


An ague-stricken hypocondriac, who ha.
been on trip out that way, thus answer
questions in letter TO the Saturday Er
ening Post:
The first question comes from Cam
bridgeport, Mass, and reads as follows:
(which is the best time for going West
the Spring or Autumn!"
The best time for going West is wher
you have the money about you, and the
least fear of losing it. If you come in the
Spring, you are sure to shake yourself to
death With the ague before fall. If you
come in the Fall, you may live uutil Spring
if you don't freeze to death before you get
there. If you come at all, you had better
get your stomach lined with water proof
cement, so as to be able to digest corn
bread, bacon and whisky for this is all we
have to eat, except few French hogs and
bilious looking tadpoles which we catch
when the river runs down.
Second question.-"What part of the
West is the best 10 emigrate to, taking in
to consideration the healthfulness of the
climate.
A variety of opinions about that, my
dear fellow. Our Senator, Mr.. Douglas
says Kansas is the best. So it is if You
want to 90 into the stock business, raising
an unruly kind of mixed colored cattle, that
will stray of to Canada, in spite of the
Compl omise of 1850 or 1859, or Senator
Douglas. Or, if you want want to speeu-
late in papooses, white scalps, and get your
own scalp taken off scientifically, go to Ne
braska by all means.
If you want to play poker for living,
and set up whisky drinking for business
to live on corn bread and bacon week days,
and slippery elm bark on Sundays come
to Illinois.
If you want to go where they have no
Sundays nor anything to eat, go to Iowa;
or if you want to go to grass on all fours
and do as other kinds of cattle do, go to
Salt Lake.
If you want to go where they receive
the mail annually, where they live on wild
cranberries crumbed in water from the
Mississippi river, where three wigwams
make city, and a paper of pins and bar
of Yankee soap merchant, 60 to MINES
ota.
Third question.-"Does the fever and
ague prevail much in Wisconsin
Of course it does. Nobody out West is
foil enough to ask such question. Ev-
cry body shakes; even the trees shake; you
can't coax crab apple to stay on when it
is good for anything; it will shake man
out of his bed, kick him cut of doors, and
shake the bedstead at him till he gives it
up.
Fourth question.-"How long does
preemption hold goods"
That depends on circumstances. 1fyou
have a good rifle, and know how to use
it, YOU Ea,e one chance to ten that you may
live until you starve to death. But ifyou
can't stand fire, and are not good shot
and quick one, take my word for it, you
had better tarry in Jericho until your beard
be grown, they are all too smart for yon in
these woods.
Fifth question.-'Is the land to be had
in the northwest part of Ohio for 1925
per acre, and is it good!"
That's all fudge, got up by spectators
10 gull some green horn like you and me,
for to the best of my knowledge and belief,
Ohio was worn out ten years ago.> The
whole business of the railroads in warm
weather, is to carry back persons who have
been fools enough 10 come out west. All
the railroads are doing this winter is carry
ing dirt into Ohio out of Michigan to raise
a few beans and oats, to keep the folks
from starving to death this summer.
AS to the land in the northwest part of
Ohio, it is eighteen inches under water
most of the year, and will probably be
worth S1,25 per acre, when the water
snakes and copper heads bring as much
per barrel in the new markets as potatoes
are worth per bushel in Alton.
And lastly, he wants reliable informa-
tion-a short article in your paper relating
to the subject-and he wants to go to a
healthy location, decent land and fair wa
ter.
Exactly! Why my dear sir, there is no
such thing as reliable information out west
unless you pay we'll for it. A lawyer won't
tell the truth unless you give him $500,
and then you can't believe word he says.
A witness won't tell the truth in court
unless you first scare him TO death and
make him swear he won't lie, and neither
himself nor any body else knows whether
be tells the truth or not.
On the whole, if you feel obliged by our
short article" so do L. If you want to go
to healthy land, stay at home, and don't
be fool like myself and come out west.
And as for decent land, my dear fellow,
what do you mean? You must know that
our wild prairie is very indecent, especially
when it is burnt over and left as naked as
when it was born. "Tis true, nature
weaves sort of fig leaf apron every sum
mer, out of course kind of grass, but it
soon gets burnt off and is as indecent as
ever.
As for fair water, We have none; it is all
bilious compost of liquid mud, dead buff
aloes, fish and rotten rattle-snakes.
Our common drink, when we can't get
whiskey, is one-third coffee, one-third prair-
lie mud, and one-third tobacco juice.
Upon the whole, if you have good water
and can get enough TO eat, stay where you
are.
Yours truly, w.
DEMocRAT1c BRIBERY.-A case was
lately on trial in New York, growing out