The Carolina Spartan. [volume] (Spartanburg, S.C.) 1852-1896, 1857-12-31
Rsveries Of an Ex Bachelor.

- Martin Farquhar Tupper. in his "Pro-
verbal Philosophy" ian imposing citation,
by'the.by,) says. that babe ia a house is
a welIspring OF pleasure:" a very harmoni.
Gus line, acknowledge. but nevertheless
untrue. Had he said his babe, it might
have been true; but a babe includes the babe
as arace; and l deny, most positively and
unqualiiiedly, that ny babe .is wells spring
OF pleasure" To be sure, he's go. enough
spring" in him; but then, again, hes never
well, mt least SD my wife says; and indeed
she accounts for all his eccentricities, BY the
pathetic appeal of "baby's SO sick,n and so
am 4. IL ever were sick Of anything in
this world, it's Of that confounded baby of
mime. There he sits, staring at me with
his vacant eyes, perfect welLspring of
inarticulate sonnds. Put him in the crib.
and he's perpetuaIly slobbering and crying.
aud 1t he falls out Of il, he only slobbers aud
cries the more. He's never contenteJ. eli.
fher with his lot or his cot. ga ~.
My only consolation is in his future
growth. Notwithstanding he's all groan
now, they say that when hes grown up
he'll more pacific in his tendencies, that he
won't haveso many colics, and won't have
SO many sleepiess nights. Butin the interim,
yes, the interim, while the L,,by's growing,
what am TO dot Am to be sacrificed to
his necessity Of growthl Is there no hot.
house bed where he may be forced into
length, In place Of cribs, where he can't be
forced into supinenessi II he were a girl,
I'd make him "a Daughter Of the Regi.
ment," but being boy, that, Of course, is
impossible Every morning that baby
wakes me up at four O'clock by sticking his
finger in my eye. If spank him Tor il,
he cries; but il I don't, he sits on nv breast
grnning like young hyena, shouts papa,
and then makes dive for my nose. Al.
ter sufficiently recreating himself in this
pastlme, he generally winds up by pulling
my hair out by the roots, and spank
iiln, for there's a limit to human endurance
His mother, so far from being nv ally,
smothers him with kisses, and tells me Pm
so cruel" When was bachelor, fused
to smash the flies that bothered mo in the
morning. and this human fly only spank;
yet am | condemned by its mother, who
hugs the squaiing brat, and delivers herself
OF an idotic address 10 our infant, the bur
then Of which is: Naughty papa" did
p"p's "'P itstc NduHu
~ papa! Sail msmma hip naughty papai"
with similar interesting interrogatories, in
similar dialect. A pretty example that
to set before child! Bah, Pm sick of &c
little baby!" One day he falls down stairs,
another day Ls .wsiiows pin; sometimes
hes got the measles, sometimes the scarlet
fever, and sometimes the mumps. At pre-
sent hes in daily expectation of the whoop-
ing cough. What a hullabaloo we'll have
then! MOI contentwith whooping all through
his hitherto short career, he intends to In.
troduce cough-probably hollow, re.
verberaling cough. An interrogatory suy.
gests itself. Could ever have been babyl
Could ever have gone through "a course
Of sProutsf" Alas! if 80, nv position is
doubly affecting, for I'm going through
a"olher coussa now. Happy. indeed, is
tue lot Of the bachelor whose second child
hood is postponed to a late period of his
existence; whereas the married man en-.
dures a second childhood in his prime: and
may all bachelors take warning by this re-
eital of my suiferings. aud take care, in
stunning the Cbarybjis of single life, not
to run updn the ScylIa (silly) alternative of
marriage.-Porier's Spirit