davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A country woman was carrying on very SIM
pie process against ncighbor IN one 0, .uo
small courts of Germany. The attorney oi 'no
onnonent ncstered her with so much of chicanery
and legal subteties, that she lost all patience,
and interrupted him thus;
"My lord, the case is simply this l bespoke
of my opponent, the carpet maker, carpet, with
figures which were to be as handsome as my
lord, the judge; and he wants now to force me
TO take one with horrible caricatures, uglicr even
than his attorney. Was not right in breaking
off the bargainy"
The court laughed at the comparison, the at
torney was stupifcd, and the woman won inc
case
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

ASEcDoTE or THE LATE Gov. MARcY-An IN
stance both of Gov. Marcy's tact and the free.
dom of his mind from petty prejudice, is found
in a repartec which first saw the light in tho
Washington correspondence of this paper Some
officious sectarian, expecting tho Secretary to
share his preiudces, went to him with cock
and-bull story about the number of Roman Cath
olics holding office. "Thcre are nine, "exclaim-
ed the intermcddler, "in your own department
Mr. Marcy!" "Aro there Y" replied the Secreta.
ry, blandiy, taking snuff, with one OF his silent
laughs really didn't suppose there were SO
many clerks in my Office who had any religion
at ali! That was all the oificious sectarian got
out of Mr.. Marcy.-SprinOieh Argus.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

SPLENDID SPECIMEN OF. .MEANSEss. is a
rich man in this liberal and open-hearted com
munity, who can boast of being the most splen-
did specimen Of mcanncss yet known. He en-
ploys little boy as house servant, who acci-
dentally broke a side door-lght while washing
it. The light was of common window glass, but
the liberal, high minded, and would be-aristocrat,
ordered glazier to put in a platc-glass and
make the poor boy pay for it The cost of the
glass was equal to week and halrs wages,
and the glass originally broke, cost one quarter
that of the new one How many souls of that
size could dance on the point ofa cambria needle?
boston Journal
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

GIVE YoUR CHILD PApER.-A child begin
ming to read becomes delighted with a newspa-
per, because he reads the names of things which
are familiar, and will make progress accordingly.
A newspaper in one year is worth quarter S
schooling to child, and every father must con-
slider that substantial information is connected
with advancement. The mother of the family
being one of the heads, and having more i'm
mediate charge of children, should herself be
instructed. A mind is thus fortified against the
ills of life, and is braced for an emergency.
Children amused by reading or study are, of
course, more considcratc, and more easily
governed. How many parents who have
not spent twenty dollars for books for
their families, would have given hundreds to
reclaim son or daughter, who have ignorantly
or thoughtlessly fallen into error.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

VINO is TO BLAME FOR THE INCREASE OF BACIT-
ELoRs "A correspondent of the New York
Erening Post, in answering this inquiry thus
speaks timely word for the women. lie in
dignantly says =
/" Is tho blame for the extravaganza in living
all to be laid upon the women of this country /?
Certainly not. We speak Of the extravaganza
Of the female portion of the community in car
pets, pianos, &C., but do not mention the costly
horses and vehicles and splendid churches.
Certainly the women arc not to blame for all
these. Look at the expenses of our young men
in fashionable dress, brandy, mint juleps, oyster
suppers, Spanish cigars. l think that if the
accounts were balanced, it is doubtful which
side would prcponderate. Iapprehend that the
fault in extravagant living pervades the whole
community, both sexes being equally to blame
Even our funerals here become so costly that
one can hardly afford to die. You may be sure
that our young women are as careful about en-
tering into matrimony with the other sex, and
quite as unwilling to make themselves wretched
by marrying thriftless and dissipatcd young
men,
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A "Hr. The Brooklyn Times thus gets off
"good one" on the N. Y. Journal Of Com
merce, which, however, is one of the best pa
pers in the country, and is no doubt right in
the matter alluded to-
svme of the Metropolitan Police state in their
rss,Sns that they were assailed the other day
by bricks thrown at them from one of the up
per windows of the Journal Of Commacrce office
The Journal editor denies it, but we consider
the evidence of the officers, who were present
is more reliable than that of the editor, who
was not Besides, the Journal has flung "ar-
tcles' at tho Metropolitan Police before; the
only difference being, that the bricks are not as
"heavy" as the editorials.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

IGNORANCE IN FRANcE.-An analysis of late
report of the population 6f France shows a re-
markablc degree of ignorance on the part of the
people of that country. Out of 513,326 indi-
viduals joined together in the bands of wedlock,
only 40, 172 husbands were capable of signing
their names upon the register; S6,491 could
not even read! 140, $40 women declared they
could neither write nor read. The writer of the
Jonrnal des DeJats remarks upon this point,
that in the country that calls itself the most
enlightened in the world, far more than one
third of the women who were married in 1868,
knew neither how to read nor to write!"
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

THOSE ECCENTRIC ENGLIsHMEN.-Th bulletin
for curiosities of the Cologne Gazette contained
lately the capricious offer of an English gent
leman to Carlsruhe orphan boy to pay him
100000 sterling on his furnishing him, within
a running year, one million used post stamps
The Englishman wants the cancelled stamps for
the purpose ofpapering one of his rooms, and all
tho ladies here arc rnxiously collecting for the
orphan child. Ifany Americans are desirous to
participate in this benevolent collection, they are
informed that the Cologne Gazette receives them
until next October.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

Don't you think my execution Of Othcllo a
capital performance ?" asked celebrated TRACED
ian of fricnd-"it it is in my line is it not?"
"Why yes" was the reply = "all executions
may be considered capital performances and
your performance of Othello is certainly one of
that class, for you erecute him in your line so
efiectually that as soon as you lay hands on him
he is no Moor :"
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

SPIRITUAL WIrEIsN.--The Mormons are not,
by any means, the only persons who seal
INTO themselves illcgitiniatc-wivcs at the pre-.
tended command of "voice from the dead. :"
A young woman whose faith in spirituallsm was
much larger than grain ofmustard-seed, obey
ed voice of this irresponsible character not
long ago, and the other day discovered that tho
man she claimed MS a husband was also claimed
by variety of other females who had been weak
enough to listen to sprit-suggestionsi in the mat
rimonial line Spirits are bad advisers in the
wedding markot.-N. Y. Sunday Times.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25
VOL L.

MRs. DIoKsoNs New PErTICoAT-A meek quiz
ct looking person. calling himself John Dickson,
was detected on Friday in the very act of steal
ing large roll Of red flannel from the door of
dry goods store in Eighth street, New York
He did not deny the fact, but attempted to pal
late his offence by the following address to the
Mayor:
"Sir, do confess did take the fannin but
when you hear ohy took it, you will say am
an unfortunate man, and ought to be ptied
My wife says to me yesterday morning
"John, I've got two dollar note, Bank of
Harrisburgh made it by washing and ironing
and want you to go and buy me eight yards
of flanin-red fannin (says she) to make two
petticoats, for the springis backwards (says shc)
and the weather keeps cool, and l havnt q rag
that's fit to wear. And mind you don't lose
the money, nor 20 near the grog shop (said shc)
for you know your wickedness and don't you
get into conversation with any other loafers as
you are going on this errand."
$50 took the money-tho two dollar note
and set out and went three squares around to
keep clear Of a groggery that's in the upper end
of our street and that's the way missed it (;
for in Pother street l met Joe HinsoA.-Says
joe
Jack, where you're bound?"
Essays Ito get eight yards of quarter dollar
hannin, to make my wife two petticoats." :"
"Says he-Dork the old woman halfa yard,
and let's have a couple of glasses of toddy. It's
only making the pettcoats a little shorter, and
as she's got handsome pair ofankles, she won't
mind having scant pattern"
swell, | thought half yard of flannin
wouldn't make much difference, so in we went
to the hotel. changed the note, drank glass
apiece, and that put us in notion of more, and
Joe drank, and | drank, and in less than an
hour I'll be switched il had twenty-five cents
left out of the two dollars Well, what could
do then? | AK any reasonable man what couM
do? | couldn't go home without the fannin,
and | couldn't buy it without the money. So
hooked bolt of it Q did) that's fact, for moth
ing else could be done; and if hadn't been
nabbed, my old woman should have had six
flannin petticoats instead of the two she sent Inc
after; and that's the whole story"
Dickson was committed in default of bail, to
answer for the larceny.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

Mr.. and Mrs. Mahony live in Chicago They
quarrel. The other day they got to throwing
soda bottles at each other, and cut each other s
faces badly. Then Mrs. M. had Mr.. M. arrest
ed; but the next morning she appeared and a
verred there had been no trouble between them.
To this was opposed the evidence Of a black eye
upon her countenanco and cut upon his head.
She said the COW kicked her and he said the cow
kicked him, and they got off
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

There is somctimesa great opportunity to say
severe thing in quiet way, as when the late
DIR. Young, of Birmingham, having one day for.
gotten to bury the corpse of dissenter, was
accused of ncglccting the funeral in consequence
of the creed profcsscd by the departed
81 have heard" said Quaker to the revcr-
end gentleman, 81 have heard, friend Young,
that thou woudst not bury -, because he
was one of the disscntcrs."
"You are mis-nformcd,' replied the other,
81 shall be happy to bury them ALL"
The bigotry Of this is lghtcned by the equiv
ocation placed on its intention.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

thew Wilkes was once passing through one of
the crowded streets of London, when he heard
a carman, who found great difficulty in passing,
owing to the numerous obstructions that he met
with, cursing and dswearing at a tremendous rate.
He quietly went up to the offender, and tapping
him gently on the shoulder said to him:
"Ah! for that cursing and swearing, of which
you have just been guilty, will appear wit
ness against you in the great day Of judgment |"
"Oh, yes" said the carman to his clerical re-
bukcr the biggest rogue always turns king
evidence"
The minister in relating this anccdotc to his
friends, owned that this answer so completely
nonplussed him, that he was obliged to walk
of without saying word in reply.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

The ladies nowadays are using newspapers
at 25cts. hundred for the manufacture of hustle
they take tape and put it between the leaves
of several newspapers, then "gathcr" the news
papers at the top an tie the tape around them
The lower parts of tho paper of course are irrcg
ular, and when the skirts and dress are thrown
over them produce the necessary bulge. The
Utica Herald and Observer informs the world
that it is in large demand for this purpose and
daily used 1t is an editors business to create
a daily hustle among the affairs Of men, but we
doubt very much whether proprietors of news
papers know that they are creating hustle a.
mong women.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

The handsome and the courted have usually
less sentiment, and far less sensbility to praise
than the ill-favored and neglected. Accustom-
ed early to compliments and admiration, they
come soon to consider them as familiar and or
dinary matters; while the homely, having only
the imagination of love and carcsscs arc not on
ly thrown into flutter of delight at the mere
hint of a compliment but tender sentiment of
regard is at once awakened in favor Of its au-
thor
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A Coon GUN. "A country farmer told friend
of his, who had come from town for q few days
shooting, that he once had so excellent gun
that it went off Immediately upon thief COM
ing into the house, although not charged.
:" How the deuce is thaty" said his friend
"Why," replied the farmer. because the
thief carried it off: and what was worse, before
had not the time to charge him with with it."
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

Comets, doubtless, answer some wise and
good purpose in the creation so do women.
Comets arc incomprchensible beautiful and &C.
centric so arc women. Comets shine with pc
culiar splendor, but at night appear more bril-
liant so do women. Comets con-
found the most learned when they attempt
to ascertain their nature so do women. Com
cts equally excite the admiration of the philoso-
pher and of the clod of the valley; SO do wom-
en-. Comets and women, therefore, are closely
analogous, but the nature of each being inscru-
table, al that remains for us r. do, is to admire
the one and almost adore the other
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

The Cincinnati Commercial tells of ", On
tlcman from Missouri" who went to Lexn tn
on the Fourth to attend the laying of a C Tn r.
stone for the Clay monument His baggage b.
some accident, came to be ovcrhauled, and was
found to consist of carpet-bag, containing four
bottles of whiskey, two revolvers one shirt,
and two collars A friend said that these latter
articles were only put in to fill up, and keep tho
bottles from getting broken.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

To TIE PoINT!-A brave veteran officer, re-
connoitering battery, which it was necessary
to take by storm, laconicaly answered the en-
gineers, who were endcavoring to dissuadc him
from the attcmp Gentlemen, you may say
aud think what you please all know, is, that
the American flag must be hoisted on the ram
parts tomorrow morning, for have the order in
my pocket"
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

There is good story told in Vermont pa
per of a clergyman in that State. The roof of
his house was heavily laden with snow, and he
went up to dislodgc it, but lest he should slide
off with the snow he tied rope round his
body and throwing it over the ridge gave the
other end to his wife. Fearing it might slip out
of her hands by his sudden fall, she tied it also
around her waist. Directly the whole body Of
snow started, parson and all, and as he went
down his wife went up, until both reached un-
til they both reached about the same altitude,
where they hung dangling in the air on oppo-
site sides of the house, until passer by came
to their relief
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

At Cincinnati, the other day. Gen. johnson,
of Mt. Sterling, KY, wished to buy pair of
horses for which the owner asked 1910, but
which the General thought too much, as they
were not heavy enough The owner declared
they were heavier than they appeared, when the
General offered sixteen cents pound for them,
which was accepted. The horses were weighed
at once, and weighed two thousand three hun
hred and fifty pounds, amounting to s87o. A
pretty close calculation
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

"Crow | want to Ak you conundrum."
Well, julius succeed, Is open for de qucs-
tum." Can you tell me why the art of self
defence am like ribbcr at low tideY" "No
julius, doscn't see no similarity in dc two sub
jects, defor, gives it up" "Well den, I'll tell
you. 1t is simply bekasc it develops dc mus
cles ~.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A JUST REpLY.-A young collcgian, returning
to his Quaker parents, while dining was kindly
offered by his good mother some of her best
domestic brown bread, which the son significant
ly refused, rcmarking that such kind of bread
was not fit to be eaten, and that he perfectly ha.
ted it. To which the rustic father cooy replied
:" Hold thou, my son; fear thou dost not hate
thy mothers nccdful staff Of life quite so bad as
thou dost the command written in the Good Book
pointing the way by which thou shalt obtain it. "
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

SINGULAR CIRCUMsTANCE.-A gentleman resi-
ding in this city has lost a member of his fami-
ly every Fourth of July for the last four years
His two sons and wife have died on that day in
successive years, and on Saturday last his little
daughter, aged five years, was seized with con-
vulsive fits, in the second Of which she died.
Boston Courier.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

PLUG UGLy-Somo arithmetcian calculates
that if a tobacco chewer consumes two in ,hcs
of plug per diem, for fifty years, he will chew in
that period 5,475 feet or nearly halfa mile of
solid tobacco half an inch thick, and two inches
broad, costing $1,000! And ejccting one pint
of saliva per day for fifty years, the total would
swell into nearly 1890 gallons-qutc a rcspec-
table lake, and almost largo enough to float tho
Great Eastern in.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

COVER" THE AGE.-Thcrc are no little girls"
now. The sex jump from infancy to young wo-
manhood. They talk ofmarriagc at ten, and at
fifteen have families. A tiny creature recently
swore, at Detroit, that she was "over fourteen
in order to persuade a justice to tic the mar
riagc knot; but it turned out that she placed
the figure fourteen in her boots, that she might
not perjurc herself Cupid is a sly dog. Both
young and old become partners in his gentle
duplicity.-N T. Wcrcury
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

Having in my youth notions Of severe picty
says celebrated Persian writer, used to rise
in the night to watch, pray and read the Koran.
One night, as | was engaged in these exercises,
my father, a man of practical virtue, awok c
while was reading. "Behold," said to him,
"thy other children are lost in irrcligious slum-
bcr while alone awake to praise God" "Son
of my SOUL" he answered, it is better to sleep
than to wake to remark the faults Of thy breth-
ren."
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

The editor of the Burlington Recorder bears
witness that he recently discovered, in flour
ishing city on the line of the New Jersey Rail-
road, tombstone, on which was inscribed the
following touching and simple, yet cxquisitoly
poetic opitaph ale wds q good err
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

Unsophisticatm Boy mamma, papa is get
ting very rich, isn't heY"
Mamma-"I don't know why chld?"
Unsophisticated Boy" Cause he gives me so
mnch money. Almost every morning, after
breakfast, when Sally is sweeping tho parlor, he
gives me sixpcnce to 20 out and play" Sally
received short notice to quit.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

An exchange says that a family in Charles.
ton, S. c. was recently alarmed in the night by
the cries of a domestic cat, and on examining,
found the house to be on fire. Several valuable
lives were thus saved by the instincts of an ami
NAL. Our exchange docs not say whether tho
cat cried fire or not.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A CHARMING CoUSrRY.-A large portion of
the swamp of Florida is said to bo capable of
producing 500 bushels of frogs to the acre, with
alligators enough for fencing. Besides these,
the mosquitoes can present bills enough to drive
off all who may venture to dispute the title of
the present "Squattcr Sovcrcigns " of tho place.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

GRAPEs.-Placc bone in the earth, noar the
root of a grape and the vine will send out a
leading root directly to the bone. In its pass
age, it will throw out no fibrcs-but when it
reaches the bone, the root will entirely cover it
with the most delicate fibres, like lace, each
one seeking pore of the bone. On this bone
the vine will continue to feed as long as any nu-
triment remains to be exhausted.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

"A lady who was listening to the Fourth of
July Grafton, at Rochester, was injured by horse
which stepped on her dress. Her steel hoop
broke under the feet of the horse, and one end Of
the broken bone grazcd her leg, decorating il
severely.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

John Jacob Astor once observed, that man
with $500, 900 might begin to feel comfortable
The son of that millionaire has now an income
of $4,000 day, or 81, ,O95, 900 year but is not
comfortable by any means, for he has to diet
himself OH Graham bread.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

Advc sitcs are blessings in disguise We
know man. says an exchange, who has lived
six months on spraincd ankle. He belongs to
halfa-dozcn societies and draws four dollars
week from each. He once spent n summer at
Saratoga on sore throat
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

MoDEsr.-Thc local editor of the Oswego
Times gets off the following sly dig at his Sc
nior -
"Thc editor is off at Syracuse, attending the
opening ceremonies Of the great Reaper aud
Mower trial, which will account for any I'M
proroment in to-day's paper.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A RIcu THIEF UNMAsKED.-The Cincinnati
Commercial publishes the particulars of the ex-
posure of a pfering dry goods dealer worth
property amounting to $4,000, and who pre-
tends to a rigid church membership. Affecting
bad health he habitually wore an ampc-cloak,
and under its friendly drapery would conceal
his ill-gotten booty, purloincd from other prem.
Uses during tho momentary absence of their GUS
odans.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

"IT RUSs IN THE FAMnY."-Thc Bellows Falls
Vt) 1rgus says that Henry Abbott was sem
fenced at a recent term Of Bennington County
Court, to three years Imprisonment for bigany.
His father is now in State Prison for the same
cri,re
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

An IDLE CoSscIEycE-" Consciencei said
Neighbors, Indignantly, "do you suppose that
nobody has got any conscience but yourself?
My conscience is as cool as yours-yes, better,
as it has never been used in the course of my
life, while yours must be nearly worn out"
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

a French wit said of man who was exceed
ingly fat, that nature only made him to show
how far the human skin would stretch without
breaking.
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

WHAT TES MoSrns DD-"M Matrimony," said
a modern Bcncdck, the other day, produces
remarkable revolutions. Here lam, forinstance,
in ten short months changed from Styling lor-
or to a ioriRg sire"
Warren telegraph. [volume] (Warren, R.I.) 1857-1861, 1857-07-25

A gentleman advertising for a wife says =
" IL would be well f the lady were possessed Of
n competence sufficient to secure her against ex-
cessive grief, in case of an accident occurring to
her companion.