St. Charles Republican intelligencer. (St. Charles [Charles City], Iowa) 1856-1857, 1857-05-21
A San Francisco Auctioneer.

II cuh AuHNlCSV AuStlOHNSls
The reporter of the San Francisco
News furnishes that paper with the
following report of speech, made by
a California Auctioneer
Ladies and gentlemen, l now
have the honor Of putting up fine
pocket-handkerchief; a yard wide, a
yard long, and almost a yard thick !;
one-half cotton, and t'other side cotton,
too beautifully printed with stars
and stripes on one side, and stars and
stripes on tother. 1t will wipe dust
from the eyes so completely as to be
death to demagogues, and makes
politics as bad business as printing
papers. Its great length, breadth, and
thickness, together with its color, will
enable it to hide dirt, and never need
washing. Going at one dollar p
seventy-fvc cents Fifty cents p
twenty-five cents Zone bit Nobody
wants it !-Oh /! thank you sir !"
Next, gentlemen-for the ladies will
not be permitted to bid on this article
is a real, simon pure, tempered,
highly polished, keen edged, Sheffield
razor (; bran spankin new, Fever OPEN
cd before to sunlight, moonlight,
starlight, daylight or gas-light !;
sharp enough to shave lawyer or
cut disagrecablc acquaintance or
poor relation handle Of bucc-horn !;
all the rivets but the two at the ends
of pure gold. Who will give two
dollars Zone dollar?-half dollar?
Why, ye long-bearded, dirty-faced
reprobatcs, with not room on your
phizzes for Chinese woman to kiss,
t'.. -eT-..:-o -" a bargafii at nall
dollar well, l will throw in this
strop at half dollar !-razorand strop
"a recent patent two rubs on it will
sharpen the city attorney all for
four bits and a piece of soap, sweeter
than roses, fathers better than a
schoolmaster, and strong enough to
wash all the stains from California
politicians countenance, all for four
bits ! Why, you have only TO put the
razor strop and soap under your
pillow at night to wake up clean
shaved. Won't anybody give two
bits, then, for the lot? l knew ]
would sell 'em.
"Next, ladies and gentlemen, l offer
three pairs OF Socks, hose, stockings,
or ha.i-hose, just as you've a mind to
call them knit by machine, on pur-
pose, out Of cottonwood. The man
that buys these will be enabled to
walk till he gets tired and, provided
his boots are high enough, needn't
have any corns the legs are as long
as bills against the corporation, and
as thick as the heads of the legisla-
turc. Thank-ee, madam, the money!
"Next, l offer you pair Of boots,
made especially for San Francisco
with heels long enough to raise a man
up to the Hoadley grades, and nails to
insure against being carried over by
a land slide legs wide enough to
carry two revolvers and a bowie
knife, and the uppers of the very best
horse leather. A man in these boots
can move about as easy as the State
capital. Who says twenty dollars !!
All tax payers ought to have pair to
kick the Legislature with and they
will be found Of assistance in kicking
the bucket, especially if somebod,
should kick at being kicked Tel
dollars for legs, uppers and soles
while souls and miserable souls a
that are BRINGING twenty Thousand
dollars at Sacramento Ten dollars
Ten dollars !-gone at ten dollars
Next is something that you ougl
to have, gentlemen, lot of goo
gallowses, sometimes called suspend
ers. ! know that some of you will
after awhile furnished at the State
expense, but You can't tell which one
SO buy where they're cheap. All tina
deserve hanging are not supplied will
a gallows /; if so, there would be no
body omake laws, condemn criminals
or hang culprits until new election
Made of pure gum-elastic-stretch lik,
ajudge's conscience, and last as long
as California Office holder will steal
buckles Of pure iron, and warranted
to hold so tight, that no mans wife
can rob him of the breeches are, il
short, as strong, as good, as perfect
as effectual, and as dOma fde as the or
dinance against the Chinese shops OF
Dupont street-gone at twenty-iv,
cents"