The north Iowa times. [volume] (M'Gregor [i.e. McGregor], Iowa) 1856-1857, 1857-07-03

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SPRING CLEANINGs.
Doesticks gives chapter on the ex-
traya ance Of spring cleaning. After
moralizing upon the subject, he thus
goes into details:
Twill begin with Mrs. jerks. my new
landlady, and will take particular
delight in personally dsmolishing Mrs.
jerks with my own hands-Mrs. jerks
has aroused my vindictive ire-and
Mrs. jerks had better beware. The
performances commenced at Mrs. Jsnks'
house with the parlor-.h innocent car
pets were ruthlessly dragged up and
carried to an adjacent lot, where they
were cruelty castigated by two Dutch
men with fish poles-ihen the floors
were stepped in strong solution Of
sott-soap for two days-the delicacy of
the season dissolved in rainwater was
applied in such quantities that it soaked
through the foer and loosed tho plaster
ing below, which fell on the dinner table
and smashed the crockery, which caus-
ed Mrs. J. to jump back, which upset
The stove, which set the house on fire.
which we put out Immediately with the
contents of the soup turesn. which new.
ertheless did not prevent Engine COM
ing to the resue and half drowning every.
body with an inch and half stream,
which the foreman wouldn't stop until
we gave him money enough to treat all
the boys. and subscribed literally for
q silver trumpet to be presented to him
on his birthday. That same afternoon.
Mrs. jerks youngest child ingeniously
fell int, the cistern, though how he did
it nobody ever knew. for he couldn't be
got out until the whole was widened six
inches. In week Mrs. j. finished her
parlors and the lower part Of the house,
and had got them thoroughly cleaned"
as she said, which operation had made
them look and smell like the cabin of a
Steamboat that had been under water for
q month.
Then Mrs. jerks began . series of
personal indignities aimed directly at
me-she tore up the carpet in my room
under vile pretence of dirt, aad pulled
my bed to pieces under foul aspersion
of bugs-shs whitewashed my walls
under charge of smokiness. and she
painted my door under tho miserable
SANDER Of ingermarks and grease
On that fated night I went home early
as walked up stairs, not being warned
Of paint, l adorned myself in an inter-
estiny manner; my best black coat got
a streak Of white paint from the door
on one side. and was beautifully soaked
by the paint from the banisters on the
other; dirty yellow from the stairs de-
corated one leg Of my pantaloons. while
touch of lead color from the Dashboard
decorated the other. Entered my
apartment-the floor was submerged,
and barefooted Irish damsel was on
knees making pilgrimage round the
room with a scrubbing brush, in little
sea of foamy soap p-suds. As Mrs. jerks
wanted to come in occasionally to over.
see the operations, and did not want to
get her delicate feet wet, she had laid
down a couple of dictionaries and three
volumes of Shakespeare as stepping
stones. fed the premises, lived on
oyster stews, and bunked in an Engine
House for four days and then ventured
home.
She had finally got things "to rights"
as she said-lookeI in my bureau and
wished Mrs. jerks was buried alive
she had moved tina. article Of furniture
without reference to whatever of
breakable nature mi yht be inside-the
consequence was that two shirt bosoms
were soaked ia somebody's liniment,
which had for sprained arm. and two
more were saturated with Balm of
Thousand Flowers; my Sunday white
vest was spoiled by cherry brandy and
the cork OF the bottle was in the watch
pocket-camphens and camphor united
their delicate odors to scent my pocket
handkerchiefs, and couple of boxes of
tooth-powder were distributed impair
tiaily everywhere-my books were of
course in the wrong places, aud wrong
side up, and full set of "Waverly" had
left my bed and board entirely.
Blu, rejoice in pictures portraits Of
eminent individuals my passion, but ]
regret to say that house cleaning has not
improved the appearance Of my small
yallery-George Washington had his
glass broken and his head torn of. and
Napoleon had evidently been made to
prop up a three-legged table of more
than ordinary weight. for his counter.
ance looked as if it had been run through,
a corn sheller-Mrs. Siddons was chang
cd into lusty negess by the upset,ing
Of tho ink, while the mingled effects Of
blotches of lime and different colored
paints made Edmund Kean and General
Warren. and Mary. Queen of Scots. and
Geo. w. Curtis. and Shakespeare. and
Charles Lamb. and Baysrd Taylor and
Jenny Lind look like lot of Dlackfest
Indians painted for drunken frolic.-
] have finally got things Strengthened
out. but caught cold sleeping in that
damp room. and confidently expect 70
die of consumption. within . year. Is
Mrs. jerks liable for coffin +?
lnquiringly.
G. 4. P1ILANDEa DoEsrIcxs, P. B.
TUE CALF AND THE TERRIER Doc
A friend, upon the correctness Of hwose
statement we implicitly rely. relates the
following incident. the scene Of which j,
the vicinity of the town of Rriuhton.