Cooper's Clarksburg register. [volume] (Clarksburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1851-1861, 1857-01-02


tor 81 the Staunton Yindicator. The pa
per presents neascreditable appearances.
and of course is ably edited. We wish
Mr.. Yost success in his new enterprise.
~ We have recently published some
glowing accounts Of the Western country,
which were the sentiments Of one Of our
citizens who had ivisitedSitg; ehut AS there
are two sides to every question. we now
give The following adverse account. with
the simple remark that it agrees with. our
ideas on the subj ect.k We would not ex,
change the healthy bills OF Western Vir-
ginia for all the shakes andrtadpoles foi
the West. even If man does occasionally
go there and die in too gears. ,0ortd a ttou.
sand 1ollurs. ,,,, ,, ,ri,t-r -'-e
Westward Hot
An ague-stricken hypocondriac. who
has been on trip out this way. thus an
swers some questions in letter to the
Saturday Evening Post:
The first question comes from Cam.
bridge port, Mass. and reads as follows :
Which is the best time for going West,
the Spring or Autumn ?"
The best time for going West is when
you have the most money about you, and
the least fear Of losing it. If you come
in the Spring. you are sure to shake your.
self to death before Fall. If you come in
the Fall, you live until Spring, il you
don't freeze to death before you get there.
If you come at all you had better get
your stomach lined with waterproof ce.
ment. so as to be able to digest corn
bread. bacon and whiskey for this is all
we have to eat, except few French hogs.
and bilious locking tadpoles, which we
can catch when the river runs down.
Second question-"What part of the
West is the best part to emigrate to. Ia.
king into consideration the healthiness Of
the climate 90
A variety Of opinions about that, my
dear fellow. Our Senator, Mr.. Douglas.
says Nebraska is the best. So it is, ii you
want to go into the stock business. raising
an unruly kind of mixed cattle that will
stray off to Canada, in spite OF the COM
promise of 1850 or 1895. or Senator
Douglas. Or. if you want TO speculate in
papooses. white scalps, and get your own
sea! p taken off scientifically, go to Ne
braska. by all means. If you want to
play poker for a living, and set up whis>
key drinking for business, live on corn
bread and bacon week days, aud slippery
elm bark on Sundays. come to illinois,
If you want to go where they have no
Sundays nor anything to eat, only what
they brought from the East. go to Iowa +,
or if you want to go to grass on all fours,
and do as other kinds Of cattle d o, go to
Salt Lake.
If you want to go where they receive the
mail annually, where they live on wild
cranberries crumbled in water from the
Mississippi river, where three wigwams
make city and paper Of pins and Il
bar Of Yankee soap make merchant
go to Minnesota.
Third question" Does the fever and
ague prevail much in Wisconsin?"
OF course it does. Nobody out West
is fool enough TO ask such question
Every body shakes: even the trees shake,
you can't coax a plum to stay on when il
is good for anything. it will shskea man
out Of bed. kick him out Of doors and
shake the bedstead at him till he gives il
up.
Fourth question" How long does a
presumption bold good ?''
That depends on circumstances. If you
have a good rifle. and know how to use it.,
you have chance to ten that you may
live until you starve to death. But il you
can't stand fire, and are not a good shot
and quick one, take my word for it, you
had better stay in Jericho until your beard
be grown they are all too smart for you
in these woods.
Fifth question" Is the land TO be had
in the northwest part Of Ohio for 81 25
per acre and is it good 2"
That's all fudge, got up by some specu-
lators to gull some greenhorn like you or
me. for the best of my knowledge and be-.
lief. Ohio was worn out ten years ago.
The whole business of the railroads in
warm weather. is to carry back persons
who have been fools enough to come
West. All the railroads are doing this
winter is carrying dirt into Ohio out Of
Michigan to raise few beans and oats
to keep the folks from starving 10 death
next summer.
AS to the land in the northwest OF
Ohio. it is eighteen inches under water
most of the year. and will probably be
worth ST. 25 per acre when water snakes
and copper beads bring as much per bar
rel in New York markets as potatoes are
worth per bushel in Alton.
And lastly. he wants reliable informa-
tion-a short article in your paper rela>
ting to the subject-and he wants to go
to healthy location. decent land. aud
fair water.
Exactly Why. my dear sir. there is