Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1857-07-02

There is no doubt of tit is too true
there's something loose somewhere, and we Of
this earth are to be Immediately smashed into
smithereens by FIRST class comet which has
got unscrewed and is now coming to us under
full head of steam, with small planet hung on
the safety valve. Our little globe is to be
knocked further than Gilderoy," and sent fy-
Ing in small pieces through the region of illim-
liable space which event undoubtedly have O
tendency to separate families and interfere
with trade and and commerce This pleasant
affair will come off on the 18th of June next,
immediately after tea-there will be no post
ponement on the account of the weather-thc
audience will not be disappointed, and most of
us probably have accomplished rapid little
journey of couple of millions or so, between six
o'clock z. NJ, and breakfast time. There can
be no mistake ; we are done for.
have made On exact mathematical calcu-
lation, and find that our unlimited visitor hit
us the first punch on the west end of, coney Is
land. Already in my neighborhood, consterna-
tion is depicted on the faces Of smashcs expec
tant and piety is particularly prevalent We
all know how moral people become when they
they are expecting Grim Death, and how lib
eral they are with their money when they find
they can't keep it any longer We know
the common dodge of trying to cheat the
heaven into belief in their charit ableness
in leaving money to build churches and clothe
missionaries, when they are perfectly well
aware that the heirs will dispute the will and
contrive to keep the cash oil in the family
That's just what people are doing now, because
they think G. Death is around. There must
be a fearful discount on this kind of penitence
but the appearance of the comet and the fears
excited hereby, have thrown O great deal of
this spurious article ito the market just at
present. Everybody is wide awake and look
ing out for breakers.
My landlady, ever since she saw the FIRST
paragraph in the newspaper about the comet,
has given us better coffee and fatter chops,
and has seemed to be struck with remorse
about the yeal-she is in state of great grief
about her past mackeral, and mourns her late
butter with true sincerity--she goes to church
twice on Sundays and has lately been seen to
put silver into the plate-she has bought
cheap prayerbook and locks over the Burial
Service three times day. The chambermaids
have heard the news, and have renounced the
error of their ways, since which time the tally
Of my handkerchiefs is complete, and 'the
cat" doesn't run away with my hair-cil. Even
the errand boy is touched in conscience,
and brings back full change. The cook is in
touching and tender state of mind, and, hav-
ing left off drinking, has become neater, and
more satisfactory in her habits-we don't have
more than half the former quantity of cinders
III the broiled fish, and she no longer skrews the
beef with her hair pins.
Pegley, the grocer, looks trembling at the
stars every night through four foot telescope
gives sixteen ounces to the pound, and has
omitted the four cent shave in making change
his sugar is not so gritty as it was a month
ago. his camphene burns better, the butter is
not so athletic, the boy does not go so often
to the pump just after Pegley get new bar
rel OF Jamaica rum, and there are now four
quarts to the gallon, whereas the former rule
was about six pints and half
Just now, religious sensation is raging terri
bly, in my neighborhOod, all induced by the in
fuence Of the comet-thcre is protracted
meeting block and half up the street, a
great revival just round the corner, and
high-pressure prayer meetings around on ev
cry side So many new converts have been
made, the sinners are exceedingly scarce-,Job-
lets, the broker, who got rich lending money
at six per cent month on treble security, has
regented-he is now trying to work his pas
sage to Paradise by making long speeches in
meeting" which are so loud as to frighten
the babies in the next block, aud which made
him perspire as if he had been chopping cord
wood in dog-days This change for the bet
ter may be lasting, but I'd like to venture
dollar that if the earth dodges the comet, and
gets safely through the 18th without making
a 'horriblc collision and loss of life" item for
the newspapers on the l4th, Joblets will fore
close dozen mortgages, revoke ali his gifts to
the church, and charge more exorlbitant usury
than enough to make up loss time. l havn't
much confidence in these SpaSmodic converts
myself, aud can't exactly bring myself to be-
lieye that man who has been blackguard
and a scoundrel for forty years, can be scared
into christian in two minutes, by a bob-tail
comet.
In fact, nearly every body is affected by
coming events, except the city authorities OF
New York. who seem to think that the new
City Charter has SO effectually finished them
that the comet do no further damage. The
only man in town who appears to have his wits
about him is Mr.. Marshall of the Broadway
Theatre, who is trying to get the comet to
play star engagement for him at his estab-
iishment proposition is to change the catas-
trophe of the last days of Pompei, aud destroy
that unhappy city by an unruly planet instead
of an eruption Of Vesuvius AS for myself,
although | fully believe in the approaching
smash, am, like a prudent man, providing
against any possible change of programme by
borrowing all the money l can possibly obtain
on long credit and so, by postponement the
other small debts until after the 18th of June,
| cannot fail to make handsome speculation
in either case.
But hold? have splendid idea mag
nifcent plan, by which think this threatened
visit Of fiery enemy, instead of being terri
BILE disaster, may be turned to most excellent