The south-western. [volume] (Shreveport, La.) 1852-1870, 1857-06-17
At young mems debating society, some

where down in Indiana, the question ior als
cussion was: (Which is the greatest evil,
scolding wife or smoky chimney Afte
the appointed disputants had concluded the.de
bate, spectator rose and begged the priv
lege of ssmaking few remarks on tile occa
sion.'' Permission being granted, he deliver
ed himself in this way: Mr.. president I'v
been almost mad listening to the debate G
these'ere youngsters. They don't know moth
ing about the evils Of scolding wife, Wal
till they have had one for twenty years, ant
been hammered, and iammed, and slammed
all the whe-wait till they have been scoldet
because The baby cried, because the fire would
not burn, because the COW kicked oyertht
milk. because it rained, because the sun shined
because the butter wouldn't come, because tht
old cat had kittens, because they come to-
soon to dinffer, because they were one minute
too late, because they sung, because they tori
their trowsers, because they got sick, or be
cause they did any thing else, no matter wheth
er they couldn't help it or not, before they
talk about the evils of scolding wife; why
Mr. president, I'd rather hear the ctatter o
hammers and stones, and twenty tin pans, and
nine brass kettles. than the din. din, din of the
tongue of scoding wife. Yes, stree, i would
l.
is no more 10 be compared to scoldIng wife
than little negro is to dark right
A few years ago a committee Of The domi
nant party in the legislature of Virginia, wait
ed upon the rev. DIR. Plumer, then resident in
Richmond and pastor of one Of its churches,
but now professor in the Western Theological
seminary, and inquired whether be would con-
sent to become their candidate for the United
States senate, assuring him that he could be
elected by the party. The doctor after thanking
them for the honor intended to be conferred
upon him. said to them in his oracular style:
Gentlemen, believe you are in the habit,
when you give up one Office to seek another, Of
aiming to 60 up higher; are yoll not?''
They all replied in the affirmative.'
..Well, them" said he, at is a high honor,
and very honorable Office, to represent the State
of Virginia in the United States senate, but it
is a much higher one to be an ambassador Of
Christ to dying sinners, and | cant come down
from minister Of thescourt Of Heaven to that
Of a United States senator"
He magnifed his Office, as did Paul, and SO
should every other man who bears if in his per-
son; and if he does not do it, he should give it
to men who will fulfil its duties and properly
appreciate its dignities. Let those preachers
who SO long to be politicians quit the calling
they are ashamed Of, and take the lower they
like the better
A fellow named Goumart, ia st. Louis, re-
Gently went to a wholesale grocery establish
ment, and made purchase of several thousand
dollars worth of goods, representing that he
had money on deposit in a certain city bank,
and would pay cash for his purchase. His
sole object appeared to be to get a bottle of
claret, which he induced the merchant to let
him carry away. II was soon ascertained that
he had no money in bank, whereupon be was
arrested, and is now in Jail. The bottle of
claret was valued at fifty five cents. s'Look
not on the wine when it is red.''
celebrated lecturer upon natural philoso-
ply was one evening dilating upon the power
OF the magnet-defying any one to name or to
show any thing surpassingits powers. An old
gentleman accepted the challenge, much to the
lecturers surprise, but he nevertheless invited
him on the platform, when he told the lecturer
that woman was the magnet Of magnets-for,
If the loadstone on the table could attract
piece of iron for foot or two, there was
woman, when he was young man, who used to
attract him thirteen miles every Sunday to have
a chat with her.
MY dear SIR" said our friend Drumsticks
to young married gentleman who had just
been made to feel the joys Of paternity, .fmy
dear sir, can you tell me in what your present
status varies from that Of the same individual
one year ago?'
"Can't say that can, Drumsticks"
Fl will tell you. One year ago you were a
signing lover; now, you are loving sire
Don't say word; | see I've got you. Good
morning, SIR
''Pure pickerel oil'' is advertised as cure
for deafness, in Boston paper, whereupon
yankee editor remarks that tile acute sense Of
hearing possessed by this fish probably led to
the discovery Of the wonderful properties of
the oil, in the same way that anoce Of the
fact that Goldfish were never troubled with
coughs or colds, though exposed to the sever
est vicisitudes of the weather, led to the dis
covery that cod Liver oil was most efficacious
remedy for consumption.
A countryman took his seat at hotel table /
opposite to gentleman who was indulging in
a bottle of wine. Surprising the wine to be
common property, our unsophistieased country
friend helped himself to it with the other gen
leman's glass. s'That's cool!'' exclaimed the
' nu1i - VIZ "ihS, injury udiiliJ. I0s, Ie-
piled the other, II should think there was some
ice in it,
Dr.. Durbin, the great methodist orator, once
attempted to preach from the text s.Remem-
Der Lots wife, and made failure. After
wards remarking to doctor Bond that he did
aot know the reason of his failure the yenera-
Die doctor replied that he chad better hereaf-
Ter let other peoples wives alone
A waggish spendthrift said, 1--we years ago
was not worth cent in the world; now see
where am through my own exertons.''
"Well, where are you?''
"Why | owe more than three thousand dol
ars."
Brown says he has seen rope walk; Jones
links that he has seen il-fence; and Rob-
nson says that's nothing, he has seen .aA.laats
,ox! Our devil sometimes rides Yaz9sSfssaus
mare, but he says he has often seen a small pen
lolder.
At criminal court lately, the counsel, dis
atis6ed at his want of success with an Irish
witness. complained to the court
Here Paddy lett with genuine Irish brogue:
IAN sure I'm no lawyer, yer honor, an the
palpane only wants to bother me-
Lawyer Snapp-'' Come, now, do you swear
gu are no lawyer?''