Smyrna times., 1857-06-03
Written for the Smyrns Times.
A BACHELORS SOLILOQUY
RY YOUNG AMERICA.

+ y
Well: wonder how queer things do look
in church nowadays! "Once upon time,"
the old people attending seemed to be in wor-
shipping mood, and didn't sleep; while the
young folks reverenced the sanctuary and re-
spected the formulas of the service. Then,
during the reading ef the mornings lesson,
serene calmness prevailed, and all were atten-.
tive listeners to the Word of: Truth. But,
nOW--oh, gracious what uneasiness pervades
the assembly all are restless, and every girl
appears to try which can twist and turn the
most and, too, the rustling of silks-how
everlastingly grating tony ears! Why, really
this place bears no sembance to the meeting
house of former years, where quiet, unassuming,
religious persons were wont to congregate-
no, indeed d,-more like mart for the exhibition
of dry goods Just look, will you, at Casandra
there, and those hOunces, and ribbons, and
bracelets, medalons, watch. chains and other
nonsensical superluties! Thought she was old
enough to know better,--bUt, la me ! she's rls-
ing twenty-five, aud quite marketable, like
the rest of girls, or "yOung ladies' as they
call EN- in these days. Can't think, however,
she has the proper qualities to make her very
oaleable, for, tell you, her fncry's galvanized
and, if he who buys ii for the genuine article,
doesn't get cheated Pm Dutchman yes, I'll
repeat it, everything that gitters there, isn't
gold, know !-she's nothing but Galvanic
Battery herself and single glance at her is
only needed to give frightful, horrifying shock
to humanity in general: her actions are so
hateful Why, she's just outlandish and
l:mannerly as Major Reuben Brass and CO..
Steele, who came to church this morning, from
all appearances, with no object save that of
staring the choir out of countenancc,--and
everybody knows how disgustingly hateful that
is! And, goodness alive! if there isn't
Susan Goliah, too, looking as unnatural as
clarct-punCh in mid winter all primped and
rugged, she cuts up more fantastic pranks than
Cassle-thats certain she's not only seen, but
heard: it's " ib-a-j ib-a-jb" to one, i" iab "a
iab-a- jab " to another, and he-he-he" to
herself, till everything within gunshot of her
is filed with commOtion. And, bless my soul !
if she hasn't got hymn-book, too !-didn t
know her nimbIe tongue would allow her to
think of singing; but, oh yes, see now,-
the book is finely gifted and quite stylish be-
sides, it's convenient article: she can hold it
up before her whilst peeping at the young men.
Well we'll | really think I've the patience
of old Job, to endure all this trouble without
murmuring! Wish was committee oforder!
But, to avoid temptation, I'll cease looking at
her--that's what I'll do! Umph! there
it is again my attentions hardly withdrawn
from one object Of vcxation before it is attract
ed by another here, right across the aisle,
Matilda Forests standing up, tptoed, squeal-
ing like a-gooSe Why, it hasn't been two
minutes since she hrted in the house. and nou
SO soon as this-she, pretending to sing be.
llcvc, is making noise like a hominy- woman
crying "J-e-d-nS." Pity some people don't
learn something after living in this world Sc
long IL really don't believe Matilda's got
sufficient sense to know that she's a Ounce
no matter if she has been "OFF to school,
for always thought sensible people came to
twenty minutes after service begins. But, il
may be, she's a good excuse for coming late
to-day: From her frequent turning round, and
looking at the door every time a footsteps
heard, should think she had had her waiting.
patience exhausted, and left home without
a friend, whom she expected in every moment
Don't Enolo, though,-'twould take man we'll
booked in human nature to judge the girls
Alright in this day of the nineteenth century =
things have changed so, lately. Good morn
ing - Pshaw pshaw !! what's all th
under my feet, anyhow lit looks "tarnal >
fShy-wonder if its BRINE? Would ask tbi
young man at my elbow,-but he's so sleepy
headed, I'm afraid he couldn't hear me hall6o
besides, he's such "high-Aying" chap
that common man like me speaking to him il
such public place, might give him u pal
:. pitaton of the heart from which he'd neve
recover, so, to avoid all mishaps, I'll foreg
making any inquiry of him; guess it would b.
better, as, peradventure, | can ascertain b.
keeping sharp lookout. Well: Ineve
: dreampt of seeing little Hezekiah Nash on tn
present occasion but here he is, to be sure onl
> a seat or two above mine! Little Hezekiah, di
| say !-meant he was little short while agC
not now,-for, lately, it seems he's run up lik
. field-pea on a corn-stalk. This youth wa
. blessed with pious parents, and it's strange h
. doesn't conduct himself more circumspectIy-
n particularly in the house of prayer. l feel al
6 sured his father never set him n had nvan,nL
for knew him well, and fine, industrious oil
gentleman he was, too; many a cord of woo
did he faithfully saw at my house The oil
mans dead now, and it's ridiculous to see h
son "go OF" So. just look at him there III
heads down between the benches twice ever
three minutes Thought he was noddng
first, but ! heard il then; he chews the /" pi.