Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1857-06-04

commenced in my head, and a succession Of
broadsides, at the rate of ten to a minute.
was fired inside of my unfortunate skull for
thirty hours, the whole of which time I was
only comforted by the sincere wish that the
Mllesian young one had got more Of it than
l had, and wouldn't be. able to stand it half
so well. The effect of the internal cannon :
ade upon my temper, was scothing7-so
much so, that when my friendseyentured to
inquire after my health, they approached
in detachments, it not being safe for less,
than three men in a body to dare to ask me,
a question. Then my ribs began to ache,
each particular rib throbbed and jerked as
| if it had personal quarrel with my spinal
column, and was bent on instantly dlssolx-,
ing the connection. I bore it in the, true
martyr-spirit, soothed by the Christian trus t,
that the Irish baby had tenderer ribs than
mine, and blessing myself that in this
case It had a prospect Of immediate purga-.
tory Then I began to shiver-got. so cold
that my feet instantly froze the hot water,
they put them into, and thermometer put
in my mouth went down four degrees below,
Zero. felt so much better as soon as +
persuaded myself to believe that the Celtic,
brat was now frozen stiff as ramrod, and
couldn't be thawed out in warm bath, un7
less they make the water hot enough to cook
him. Next day I was covered with little
hard Jumps, as if I'd swallowed forty pounds
of bird shot, which, in some unaccountable
deficiency of gravitation, had all risen to the
surface, and were trying to get out through
my skin. I felt resigned as cherished the
fond hope that in the case of the obnoxious
baby the bird-shot might strike in and rid
die his vitals. ....,.. IS. ,-t~s
My head was now as big as peach-bas-
ket, and my nose reminded me of huge
nutmeg crater; in two days more [ resem-
bled colossal statute cut out of sausage
meat; and now. although am nearly re-
covered, my body looks as though had
fought, single-handed, severe battle with
an immense army of industrious feas. /, -~
But there wasn't smallpox enough to
finish me, (although I sincerely hope that
with that blessed infant the case was other
wise, and accordingly, after fair trial, it
backed down a whipped institution, leaving
the subscriber with few holes in his face
as mementoes Of the combat, which marks
the undersigned proposes to either cover up
with whiskers, or else impose them upon
an unsuspecting world as some kind Of ORR
ginal dimples. r49.
[ forgot to mention that one day the boys
thought [ was dead, and Immediately sent
to half price undertaken for list of prices,
and then divided my property among them-
selves. I've since got it all back, however,
except my best boots, which were appro-
priated by Damphool, who refuses to give
them back, on the ground that I let him OBJ
tain possession of them under false pretep,
ses. He says he will contest the title in
court of law, and prove by twenty witnesses
that it isn't his fault if I amt dead :; and
will also undertake to show that it is the
general opinion of my best friends. that I
ought to have died several years. ago, be-
fore I owed so much money about town.
fear Damphool is ''morally ly insane" a.r r.
Streakedly, s',o.. ,s.g
@. r. PH1LANDER DoEsr1cKs, p. B.,
P. S.-The fire reporter made mistake,
and instead of my name printed ssJenkins''
as the ''heroic preserver of the helpless In
FAINT" Miss Miggs believes it and smiles
on jenkins. He gets all the honor and T
get-the smallpox 80 ,s9. -. sfIYa4u
P. P. 81 hope the child has entirely
recovered, bless its dear little heart y,
PvDDY AND LAWYER SNAP.-Ata crimi
nal Court lately the counsel dissatisfied at
his want of success with witness, complain
ed to the Court. 7-'-.-.5i-'5 s3as
Here Paddy went in with genuine Irish
broughe. - a<od 1ael e.-aGe-g
An sure I'm no lawyer, yer Honor an the
spalpane only wants to pozzel me.,,id a52aef
Lawyer Snap-Come now do you swear
you are no lawyer? = tsI>a!"q4;l at
Witness Faith, an do, an ye may swear
the same about yersif, too without fear Of
perjury. .. .s - @ast &eiao5a
If you are in hurry, never get behind
couple that are courting. They want to
make so much of each other, that they
wouldn't move quick if they were going to
a funeral. Get behind your jolly married
folks, who have lots of children at home, if
you wish to get along fast. But it is best
to be little ahead of either of them. 0@3 z.
~.'Sambo, where's the hoe p s.Widder2
shubble, massa." "Wen, where's the SHOW
I M "a