The Kanzas news., 1857-08-29
EMPORIA, KANzAs, AUGUST %, L
Punch on the Mammoth Steamship
"Great Eastern"

I1COFT0cJ SGtUSInG1tS laEllg 2D-
Peared in reference to the Great Eastern
now lying like red whale in Mr.. Scott
Russel's yard at Millwall, and so frightening
the people that they cut across the river and
take refuge In the houses of Messrs Heart
and Quartermaine, who administer white
bait and iced punch with the most humane
promptitude, Mr. Punch has been request
ed to publish the following information
touching the arrangements on board the
vessel.
Captain Harrison, the captain who has
been selected in contravention of all rules
observed I'M the public service, the proprie-
tors of the ship having engaged him for
the vulgar reason that he was notoriousiy
the best captain OH the best line of steamers
IN the world, viii merely attend to the COM
paratively unimportant duty of taking care
of the vessel. But, as there are to be six
hundred frst-elass passengers, other cap
tains viii be administered to the domestic
wants of the floating colony. There will
be dining captain with great dining pow
ers, and a miraculous flow of after-dinner
oratory; and there will be Irritation cap
tain, whose business it viii be to render the
brief voyage still briefer to the ladies: The
former has been Free Mason, who has
eaten his way into all the honors of the
craft, and who viii hold lodges in the main-
top, where the proximity of the fire from
the chimneys viii be highly convenient for
heating the gridirons. The latter has been
still more carefully selected, and is gentle
man whom his wife is about to divorce, un-
der the new law, for the incompatibility of
his red hair with her notions of elegance,
and who under the same law, will be inca
pable of marrying again. He will, there
tore, have been family man which makes
him respectable. while at the same time his
attentions can mean nothing.
The spiritual welfare of the ten thousand
inhabitants of the vessel will be duly cared
for. A very handsome church is being
built on the after-deck, and four chapels,
for Methodists, Catholics, Baptists and In
dependents, are being erected forward. A
pretty rectory house and garden viii be
placed near the wheel, but it is thought well
that the voluntary system shoul1 provide
for the dissenting teachers, though in case
of sea-sickness during the services, the sea-
bead1es are ordered to attend everywhere
with basins, without regard to distinction of
religious faith or bringing up. Births and
marriages will be amply provided for, the
directors of the Great Eastern undertaking
to be god-fathers to any addition made to
the population during the voyage Ga silver
smith goes out expressly to engrave the
mugs J, and 6ereeaune1es may be had gratis;
on application to the boatswain- The cap
tain win act as father to any young Tor
other) lady who may succeed, by dint of
moonlight and Lord Byron, in persuading
a gentleman to pay her expenses for the
rest of her life, and large young officer is
now growing whiskers and brogue, in
order to act as brother, and demand in
tentions, on application from any mamma.
Cottages for the honeymoon are being fitted
up, larboard side, by Messrs. jackson and
Graham; and will have private telegraphs to
the kitchen, rightingales, and Bells's Life.
Weather permitting, races viii take place
at stated periods, and the Great Eastern
Derby will be feature in the voyage
Once round the vessel being a third of mile,
the beats will be easily arranged. A move
able Grand Strand is being constructed by
Messrs. Edgington. The stabling in the
vessel will afford accommodation for any
number of horses, and one of the longboats
itself large steamer) can be engaged for
trial gallops, and be surrounded with avn
ing and ordered to cruise at some distance,
in order to insure privacy.
The Betting Act not applying to the high
seas, an Office where the odds will be given
will be under the superintendent of the
purser. Other amusements will be provided,
an American alley and skittle ground be-
ing situated on the poop, and spare boiler
being fitted up as a Casino, into which
boiling water will not be turned without
such notice as may be practicable. A the
ater is in course of erection and an English
dramatic author will be kept in the hold,
with safety clamp, TO translate any French
piece that may be thrown down to him.
Two eminent Jew cossunsiers have con-
tracted to supply dresses, and when not en-
gagged in theatrical pursuits, will be happy
to ELL up their vacant evenings IN being
on moderate terms, by any pas
senger who may be going out as mission
ary and wish for practice in dealing with
his benighted brethren. Extra charge for
readingth of tracth. A club-room Is also
being arranged, and candidates for the Great
Eastern Club had better send IN their names.
Trade, moustaches, political opinions, whist
ling. short pipe, the habit of asking ques-
tions, Pusyism or a pug-nose will exclude.
Cabstands viii be placed at the most con-
venient parts of the ship. and tables of fare
and distances affixed. Inciviiity or over
charge viii eonsign the offender to the cat,
but the hogging viii be conducted in back
yard of the vessel, where the loudest throat
ed fellow may bawl without being heard BY
the public. Bath-ehairs and perambulators
viii also be in waiting, and onnibusses will
convey the humber passengers to various
parts of the vessel. Previously to the show
of the electric light, every evening. grand
display of fireworks; and balloon viii as
cend once a week with letters from any
quarter to which the wind may be blowing.
Further particulars viii be published from
time to time until the launch.