True American. [volume] (Steubenville [Ohio]) 1855-1861, 1857-08-19
THE AWKWARD HUSBAND.
by WILLIAM o. EATON.

A terrific scream announced that Phi.
lemon .Stagg had planted his blundering
foot on one Of Mrs. Stages corns, for The
third time that morning, and so exasper-
.a,ed was the lady-for she aus lady
notwithstanding what followed-that for
the first time in her life, she raised her
little foot, and gave her awkward husband
a fierce kick! You migh!think there was
a row in that family in consequence. and
so i. was, although Mr.. S!agg was con-
.sciOus Of his faults. and the kick was in
tended as substitute for what was worse,
a schooling. He was surprised, however +,
but he did not escape so easily as he i'm.
agined.
Blundering, awkward creature!--
Wha. haze l done that you should be
always treading on my feet! l declare /
don't know what crime such suffering is
intended for. l shall be a cripple some
of these days, Philemon, as sure as you
are born. o."
"My dear Laura it pains me as much
as it does you asure YOU"
20 pshaw !! Sympathy is cheap. o
dear y
"There seems to lie fatality about
it," said the ashamed Stagg, hanging his
head. III could almost cut off my feet 10
prevent such accidents"
"Pm sure my feet are not 80 large
that they should always be in the way"
she murmured, looking with vanity at
her little Chinese understandings.
"I know it, love. The fact is, they
are so small one can hardly see them"
He thought this might put her in good
humor. Dead failure F.; it was rebelli.
GUS and revengful corn.
"And yours are so big that | tremble
whenever you come within yard Of me-
O, my poor feet -
1t was melancholy fact that Mr..
Sssgg was a rare example Of blunderiDg
awkwardness. He was one of the best
natured persons alive. Clumsy animals
are generally the easiest tempered. Bu
Mrs. Stagg did not believe this to be any
atonemen., for whenever Stagg moved
things animate or inanimate were in jeop.
ardy. Indoors or out, ruin and confu.
zion marked his presence. He loved his
wife dearly, and kept so near her, thai
her feet bore witness and paid the penal.
ty.
That day, by way of recompense. he
tool her out to ride, and il would have
been very happy drive, if he had not
several times more, crushed her feet, as
they were admiring the scenery. Sh'
began to cry, and her tears were only
stopped by his hanging both his ponder
Gus feet out Of the vehicle. But as hi
peculiar fate would have it, the position
was unfavorable for his driving, which a
the best was miserably poor and awk
ward. and he began to drive against every
ihing that came along -; now on this side
now on that-clink, CRATE, jar, bang, jerk
crash !--eKecuting unheard Of maneu
vers, with such a wan. Of judgment. tha
Mrs. Stagg at last began to implore o
him:
"'Take in those fee! again, do. Phile
mon. Better to have my feet amputate'
than brake my neck"
He obeyed, but drove worse than be
fore and after provoking the anger Q
drivers oil along The road, he finally sci
tled the question Of life and death, b,
smashing against a heavy mail.coaoh
sha,tering and upse ttiug his own team
and remaining behind with his wife an
the buggy, while the horses galloped ahea
with the shafts. Happily they escape,
with but few scratches and were glad
get home again.
I'll tell you what I'll agree 10, wife,
said ne, after a lecture; II agree 10 Civ
you the most beautiful shawl you can fin
in the city, if l tread upor your feet agar
once within fortnight. I'm determine
to break myself Of the habit
ySingularto to relate, he became 90 watch
ful during that period, tha, Mrs. Stag
had no cause 10 complain, on that scor,
Orratter half q score. Blu. certain
mount Of awkwardness was doomed
be bic. Though he now approached hs
only q arms length--she. in view Of;
shawl, not caring Il he approached |