Arkansas true Democrat., 1857-06-16
From Porter's Spirit of the Times Charley's Misfortunes; Or, how his Hat Troubled him---A Tale of the West


 From Porter's Spirit of the Times. Charley's Misfortunes; Or, how his Hat
 Troubled him---A Tale of the West
 BY HAZEL GREEN, ESQ.
 "When 1 was young lad, just beginning to think about the girls" said Charley, "I was monstrous pious, and went to meeting every Sunday; but l have since come to the conclu- slon, that It was not as much for the concern 1 felt for the "good of my soul" as it was for the sake of gazing about the room, and think ing to myself which girl was the prettiest, and which one I would rather marry. Well, one day 1 singled out a girl who I thought eclipsed all creation for beauty; in fact, | 1 was soon head over- heels in love with her. But a few minutes sufficed for me to form a resolution to see her home, to pop the question, and, if possible to strike bargain immediate 1 ly. 1 was all in trembe. The sermon seemed to be week long, and very unnterest- ing. Many, no doubs, were praying for their "neighbors, and their neighbors children' but with me it was quite difIerent-l was praying | for the meeting to break.
 At length the meeting did break and I broke with it--for my hat; but, to my surprise and modification, Icould not find it until after i the object of my affections had gotten so far
  | quite an effort to have overtaken her. Besides, | there was another consideratiou--mv hat had been underfoot, and was so badly soiled, that I was rather ashamed to be seen with it on.- | Taking all these things into consideration, I resolved to wait for the next opportunity. l From that time changed chap. 1 l could think of nothing but the girl 1 had seen at meeting, except it was that of perSuadng 1 the "governOr" to buy me new suIt of Sun day clothes. The old lady sided with me in this last particular, and between us both, we succeeded in carrying our point. was rigged out in style-cloth coat, satin vest, cashmere ! pants, and, to crown al a beaver that cost five dollars.
 This will fix things,' thought I; could but see her now, might set her down as mine"
 In few evenings, there was prayer meet ing at " Union Meeting house, and l, with my new fxings, wended my way thither; not, however, until my mother had given me much good advice concerning the management of my new rigging-more particularly the hat, as I had, but shoIt time before, got my old one crushed up at meeting.
 1 had not been in the meeting house long, before her whom 1 most anxiousy expected, came in; and from thence until the services were concluded, was in a sea of trouble, lest some fellow should cut me out, or something Of the kind
 As soon as the congregation was dismissed I "yoked her." and of we started When we reached her home the sun was just setting, and so to be maLnerly, her old dad asked me to "stay all night" 1 had no objections, and after supper Was over, l told Betty (for that was the gnls name,) that I'd like to chat with her little more. She had no objections but SaiJ .l, l. .l. 4 didn't like to be disturbed by light in the big room," when they were to bed To all this consented, of course, and so we were soon on the very best of terms. 1 should have been extremely happy, but for cause.-the stamp ot plenty, in the form oS grease was abuu- dantly impressed upon everything in the room, excepting the chairs upon which we sat, and consequently l was much troubled about my new hat. What should do with it? I did not want to have grease upon it-no, that would never do. Finally, resolved to keep 1t on my head, judging that to be the safest place. Being thus relieved of my greatest embarrassment went about the work of court ing in real earnest.
 After many fine things had been said, and marriage contract had been partially entered into, proposed kiss. You may be sure she refused, but inssted-a scuff1e ensued. which
 
 Being unable to hold out longer, she turned up her pretty lips and said: " If you must kiss me-here, but don't you ever undertake such thing again-you brute"
 stopped over to perform the operation. when all of a sudden felt an unusual light ness about my head. Before I had time to think whether was going to faint or lot, heard kind oi spashing about my feet and casting my eyes downward, 1 saw-great Hea- vens! what did see? There lay my five dol lar beaver completely immersed in filthy compound of dish-water, cucumber peals. "tater" skins and the lord knows what be- sides, that had been accumulated in tub, uu- der the fascinating coguomeu of "swill" This was predicament for you-what should do? If Betty had observed it, the matter would not have been so bad; but she had not-coud tell her? No, Heaven for bid! At first thought of lifting it out, but imagining the spectacle it would present. my courage failed me. But then," reasoned l, ''She will be sure to see it ere long, and then how she will biush Already she is looking at me, as if she is wondering why I don't kiss her--perhaps had better not stay any longer;, and, suiting the action to the word, made leap for the door, and was off like a comet- From thence all darkness all was confu- slon, until found myself at h0me-bare- head- ed-receivlng a raking fire from the old man and the old woman at the same time This is bad euough to think of but it is not the worst. There is one thing that now rings in my eais. and will continue to do so as long as I live-it IS the last words of Betty. Poor thing, SUD- posing that had taken offence at her ress- tance, she called after me as shot out at the door:
 "Oh, Charley! come back, was only in fun come back, do! Oh, Charley"