Weekly hawk-eye and telegraph. [volume] (Burlington, Iowa) 1855-1857, 1857-06-03
(From the San Francisco Golden Era)
A SHORT PATENT SERMON.

want the whole of your attention while
expatiate on the following:
"Oh ever md ever as long as We may,
As we journey thro' life LET US LIVE by the way
Nix HEARERS The PHILOSOPHY ofliving is
a tirstrate study, but it must be interlarded
with practice, else all the study is in vain
To ponder all ones lifetime upon the plea
sures and benefits OF tender beet.s,eaks, pure
wine light bread, mealy potatoes and a vir
tuous course of conduct, and at the same
time practice upon boiled pork, raw cabbage
and rascality, is only staying here amidst
the comforts and luxaries bestowed by an
eyer.generous Providence.
Some folks, my friends--in truth | may
say fat maiority-put off living to day in
the hopes OF living tomorrow. In many in
stances, they deny themselves the comforts
of a hog in the pen-the fowl in his hermit
age--the frog in his puddle, or blind don
key in a thistle-natch. And all this in the
vain expectation of being ready to enjoy
themselves tomorrow, which, alas to them
never comes. But how should you live to
enjoy yourselves, and stretch out life to its
full extent-say one hundred years? That
is the period which every mortal sho'd reach
five times the aye ofpuberty--the same as
do all animals, True human existence has
been greatly raced since when the whole
world had to depend upon single pair of
whites to populate it but there is no good
reason why you should not travel with
enough vigor to give your toes good smart
stub ut the curb.stonc 81 a century. Some go
for short life and merry one; and they
are sure to accomplish the brevity part fthey
persist in making themselves continually
merry at the expense OF mature,
Suppose, my brethren, | make an arith-
metical calculation concerning living as con-
nected with the frightening or dog-tailing a
man S terrestrial existence, Suppose man
TO have charged against him the following,
to be subtracted from his term of life:
Years subtracted.
Prolonged grief SO
Early and excessive indulgence in
bad brandy 40
Table excuses 20
Cares of business 80
Wet feet and damp apartments %
Disappointment in love (uncertain) say 10
Pangs of conscience 90
Over exertion Of body or mind, daily 60
Total 235
As all these together amount to 235 years,
you may well suppose that its subtraction
would reduce man little breathing spell
to considerably less than no time at all; but
you must recollect my fellow-cypherers and
sufferers that every human, however prodi-
gal he may DO OF his health, occasionally
does something which is put down to him on
the opposite page of the account book. Now
suppose tho selt-same individual whom have
commenced figuring at, is in the end to be
credited with the following; let us see how
the account will then stand:
Years added
Occasional fasting Is
Air and exercise, to neutralize the
effects of bad brandy 80
Ten minutes laughter at good joke 40
Setting business aside and taking flying
trip behind three minute nag %
Whistling unrequitted love down the
Taking pure schnapps after wet feet and
clothes 20
Rest and q mild cigar after fatigue 90
Total 100
Now, my friends TO strike balance be,
tween the Shortening by excuses, OF go
wears, and the gain otprudence of 100 years,
and the result Of said mortals existence wod
be Is years-!just 30 years less than he ought
to, and might live by little closer manage
ment Thass So Your gutta percha preach
erdon't Intend to dissolve so long rs there is
hominy in the land, and oxygen in the at
mosphcrc and the world remains reposito-
~ offan and rich anecdotes.
Figures, my hrctheren, arc dry fodder; so
now for "a little more cider | tell you it 8
no way to hvc-it's bad management-toe x-
pose one health, to overtax ones bodily or
mental powers, and then have vile apotheca-
ry-stuff trotted thro him to getwcli Every
seour you thus get is similar to polishing a
easeknife with rot,en.stone-it grows bright
er with every rub, but remarkably thin in the
end
better to range the fields for health unbousht,
Than fee the doctor tor poisonous draueht.s
Our young ladies-Heaveu kiss them -
oil wish to live while they Gve--to enjoy their
beauty and natural loneliness; but must
make bold to say they go the wrong way to
work. They resort too much too the arti6-
cial to sustain them in their hopes, at that
period when their yeung buds ofiove should
expand into the full beauty of bloom Ihave
nothing to say against those what-d' ye-call-
emst--aoops. Theyare harmless contriyan
ces, and withal, open, free and airy-wcll
calculated for . healthfai ventilation. Bat
must protest. my dear creatures against your
tight aeing-yoar squeezing yourselves so
numerically, when, there are 50 many more
agreeshle methods Il getting squeezed al
ways convenient Itios 1, moreover. admire
your insect waists. which il seems as il an
extra pull a, the strings would cut sleek in
TWO The FIRST and only girl your minister
ever toSed, was slightly datch-built; and
wnso sSssa-tightened around the middle, she