The Cadiz Democratic sentinel. [volume] (Cadiz, Ohio) 1854-1864, 1857-09-10
DocSsicIxs' Last Eager Bier Exper-
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I
has taken oct his papers and become naturalizel
and is as thoroughly American as he was before
peculiarly German. Lager is capital fellow
to know, and | have just 'ormed his acluain-
lance. | never drink inebriating compounds
for several reasons; one Of which-is, / can't af-
ford the money it costs to get drunk, or the
time 1t takes to get sober. have therefore re-
nounccd my former friends, Brandy Cocktail
and Whisky Punch, who are slippery chaps.
B. G. once left me in a station house with my
head the size Of peach basket; w. p on one
occasion led me into the society of some gen
t.cmanly looking individuals who picked my
pocket Of all my money and then BACKED my
eyes because didn't get a bigger salary.
But the other night | went with DamphOol
to drink Lager Bier, because | am convinced
that it does not contain half as much alchohol
as distillery milk, and there is no more danger
OF man getting drunk on Lager than on sweet
cream.
We went to the place: there was a huge ali
gator nailed to the wall, and about fifty men
were sitting at round tables, each with pipe
in his mouth and glass in his fist. Twenty
girls were running about with great clusters of
beer mugs in their hands and with their pockets
full of copper change.
There was little place at one end of the
room devoted TO mHsc, containing one piano
with a Dutchman attached, two vions, a horn
with SO many twists and curls, that it looked
like very elaborate variation Of Yankee Doodle
done in brass, and a patliarchal fiddle of i'm
mense corpulency, which scomed to utter a
note of less dignity than a double G., and which
was big enough for two to sleep in, with room
to turn over separately.
After long search we found two chairs that
were not preempted by Dutchmen, but the
smoke was so thick that we had to cut little air
holes with our Jack knives before we could see
to sit down without getting into somebody's
beer mug Then we thumpeI on a table vigor
ously, till German maiden loomed through
the tobacco fog, and finally answered our sum
mons. Some of her playful countrymen had
just baptized her with beer slopS, and she was
now ''all dripping from the recent flood" and
as wet as if she had been out IN shower Of
Lager, without an umbrella.
Damphool gave her a feeble wink, and said
"zwe,' whereupon she brought us with her
own fair hands, two mugs of the beverage known
as "Lager," and st0ed waiting with her hands
on her hips-thought she wanted to enter into
conversation, so, by way OF making myself
agreeable, | winked as Damphool had, and also
said 'zwei"-I thought 'zwei'' was term Of
endearment. She deserted us for an instant,
and came back with two more mugs Of beer
imagined that Of course "zwei' meant 'dar-
ling" and that she had msuncrstood meat
tempted to explain in manner following: "Zwei,
zwe Zwoi !" SAID |, mot more beer but zwei,"
after which lucid explanation, she vanished
again and brought two moro mugs, at which
Damphool stopped laughing long enough to tell
me that she would keep bringing pint doses of
l4ageras long as | continued to remark 'zwel,"
which, be inormed me, means "twU glasses of
Lager and be in a hurry about it''-he also said
the reason she didnt go away when she had
served us WAS because she wanted her change
paid her the money, thanked my friend for
his gIatuitous lesson in German, and began to
drink.
The first glass seemed like sour strong beer
with a good deal of water in it, the next was
not quite so sour, and the succeeding one tasted
as if the original beer had been stronger and
they had not diluted it so much. Then we
rested, and, as had drunk three pirts already,
was willing to stop, but DamphoOl assured
me Lager notwithstanding" so after little
settling down, thought could hold another
glass and ordered it. 1t was brought by
young lady who seemed to me to have four eyes
and two noses pointing in different directions
which unusual elSyct was undoubtedly caused
by smoke.
Then | thought I'd have glass of Lager, Ga
liquid known to most of the inhabitants of
Manhatten) 1t was brought by a girl so pref
ty that | ordered two more and kept her wait
ing for the change each time so | could look at
her-then we had some cheese all full of holes
then we had some Lager to fill up the holes
then we took sausage; Damphool suggested
that the sausage was made Of dog, so we had
some Lager to drown the dog--then we had
some saraines; Damphool said it would be cruel
to keep the fishes without supply Of the liquid
element, so we had some Lager for the fishes to
swim in--then we hal some b ze's which
were 50 c ooked they would rot pack clt s., 50
We had some Lager to fill up the chinks--then
llnale speech to the company; short but very
much to the point and received with applause
it was addressed to the whole crowd and was
to this effect: "GeDtlemen let's have some
Lager.''
BY this time my friend had by some mystic
nous process became mysterious multiplied, and
there Were fifty Damphoos, and they all accep-
ted the invitation and we had the Lager--there
were forty glasses, and in trying to make the
circuit OF the room to touch my glass to every
one Of theirs, fell over table which very i'm
pertinently stepped bore me--and as | went
down | knocked a small Dutchnan into the
corner, then Fell over him, then partly recov-
cred myself and sat on his head, then rot up
and stepped on his Stomach--then demanded
an instant apology then lcalled for six glasses
of Lager, and when the girl brought them all in
one hand, Itried to take them all in one hand
and broke three--then | tried to drink out OF
the remaining three all at once, and in so doing
took an involuntary shower bath--then
tried pay for the whole fifty glasses with
tlime and Spanish quarter, and demanded
that he should give me my change in gold dol
lars--there appeared TO be some little difficulty
about this, and if hadn't known that Lager
isn't intoxicating, | should have thought the
man was drunk was on the point of calling
in policeman to arrest him for swindling,
when Damphool came and exclaimed the mat.
ter, and his thick head at last comprehended
that | was right
Little tamborinc girl came along and wanted
money for man who was. performing with
great deal of skill on a crank outsde-lelt gem
erous, and tried to put DAmphool into tho tam
BORNE under the impression that he was a hall
dollar-fnaly presented the little glr with my
compliments two cigars and penny, with
which She went off satisfied.
Then thought I'd make love to pretty
girl who has just brought me glass of Lager,
Ia beverage prevalent in that vicnity,antl which
does not possess any intoxicating powcr) 50
pressed to my heart for two minutes what sup
posed to be her hand, and didn't lind outthatit
was her petticoat until tried to kiss il, and got
my mouth full ofwoolcd yarn--lookeda pfctty
girl with indignation, and askeA her what She
meant hy such conduct that | had mug 81
Lager, "a liquid which docs not intoxicate apl
which smuch used by the German popua
tion) s