Kenosha tribune & telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1856-1859, 1857-05-28
From the Chicago Journal
EEVH4 S1IS ND1NuBV 70
Our Hired Girl

The contour of beauty is a waving line. but
domestic happiness is a triangle. Let who will,
be base and hypothenuss, "our hired girl" is in
evitably the perpendicular. Without her, bril-
dial vows are the emptiest of words, and welded
bliss, as brief as an Arabian Nights entertain.
ment. What degree of affection can warm cold
coffee, or what JOY can leaven bread as heavy as
the hearts of the daughters of Judahi Foot.
prints on the kitchen floor are not the footprints
that make our lives sublime;' love can be con-
tent with "a dinner of herbs no donbt, if there
be any body to gather and TO cook them. There
was time when, connubially speaking, two
made aapair, but matrimony nowadays, is a
Pennsylvania arrangements sort of spike
team, without which, the small commonwealth
of domestic economy will not move at all The
oldfashioned couples who rocked the cradle of
hope and the baby between them, and helped
each other on, are pretty much all dead; to make
descent upon a neighbor, and carry off girl,
as, according to Livy, the wicked Romans did,
is necessary to finish the family circle, and keep
the wedding ring complete.
To clasp hand just wrung disconsolately out
from the dish-water, or to fancy a pugilistic
Hebe plunging her snowy little fists into the
yielding mass of an Indian loaf, is something not
to be contemplated without cup of Valerian
within easy reach. A wife, with her skirts
clewed up, like sail with storm brewing,
and swaying mop, is not at all as the Hours
do, who sit on Il crimson cloud and embroider
the moonlight.
We hear q good deal of the sinews of war
the minimum price ofthe sinews ofAove is fifty
two dollars year, The elements of human hap
pness are love to God, love to man, love to one
woman, and the possession of a hired GIRL and
in the arrangement of a good Providence, the
last attainment is the most difficult of all.
Could man marry two wives at once, what
a blessing it would be! The one for ornament,
the other for utility, the utiie cum duice would
be most ingeniously realized, and thus, the do
mestic Geometry would be projected, and the
triangle become, in a twinkling, the symbol OF
domestic felicity.
But as it now is, what dignity invests Our
hired girl She is the calico tie that binds two
willing hearts in one' and be she blessed forev-
err Think that the red-armed barbarian who
rules the roost and the house together, when she
smooths your linen bosom, is freeing your fieshly
breast from care, and ironing out wrinkle from
the brow; remember, when, of frosty mornings,
she lights fire whereby you make your toilet,
that by the same sign, she is repenishing the
fame of love; and the feeblest of fancies will
transform her into priestess, who keeps for
ever burning the ethereal spark of domestic af
lection!
Had Adam been modern, and if, as Milton
said, Eve was her own daughter, he might have
been, there would have been "a hired girl in Par
adise to raise Cain and look after the little
Abel. She would have hung the dish.cloth on
the roses that Eve in tears bent over, that never
would in other garden grow, and tear the fig
leaf aprons all to pieces, washing days. Adam
must bring water from the Euphrates, FOR her
use before he went to 'lOp the wanton growth
of clustering vines; she must sit between the
Gardener and his wife at dinner if Angel visi-
tants, sometimes, on business bound, did call,
till the stars were filled, to light them home to
Heaven she leaves the work and smOoths her
hair, and entertains the stranger quite awares;
and by and by, old Adam-easy soul!-and his
fair wife, would live with Bridget, and Budget
would be the occupant of Eden Happy would |
Adam be, if he were not compelled to carry
Bridget home each Saturday night, and bring |
her back, each Monday morning, fourteen Scotch |
miles all told Happy, if he felt quite at ease, |
with Bridget round about. Happy,if when she |
leaves, she will give him "a character and not
like Sampson, bear away the gates of peace.
All bishops may marry, and patriarchs may |
bless, but what are they to Bridget whose stout,
red finger on the knot, keeps blessings from I'M
tying. And Bridget knows she is a sort of Pc |
ter and Keeps the keys of Adams Preside |
heaven IF you say servants speak 10 under
breath, lest the fearful hollow of her listening |
ear should catch il, and her soul take fire. She |
repudiates hired girl; help is hardly palata-
ble she does not work for you; she only stays
at Mrs. Ewes. In fact the dear domestic firm
is Adam, Eve and Co., and who but Bridget is
the Cor Be cautious Eve by no miscbance
proffer to Bridget that tea-cup with anick: twill
DO for Adam, and 'twould raise old Nick with
her. Be cautious, Adam! Serve poor Bridget
first Eve can wait, you know. Remember
always, you sure of Eve, but Bridget is a
thing with wings-a kind of Angel-ever GO
ing to hirt,' Would you see friendsl Ask Bridg
ct if you may, how you shall dress, and what
shall say, and all the neighbors shall open their
mouths and declare Blessed is Mrs Eve, for
she keeps Bridget
no nId ba
the head of the domestic realm, and their daugh |
tiers fell. one after another, single file, and like
fair Corinthian columns, sustained the house.
are like old Grimes-'wc meier shall see them
more The World must board out or Bridget
be retained. If she goes, the domestic economy
must go to pieces or the World must go after
her. And so it does, and the World is turned
into great Nimrod, and the game is girls. Up
hill and down dale, plunge doctors and divines,
editors and authors, girl hunting. All out of
the way lanes and houses back from the road,
and poor people with large families, are sought
out and the cover beat for girls. Dinnerless
dignitaries rush into Intelligence Offices, for
girls. Staid, dcaconsh sorts of men go rushing
through the rural districts offering more for one
little weeks service of somebody than somebody
isworthfor the term of her natural life. To run
down after a chase of seventy-five miles, is re-
garded as grand days sport, and the hunter
goes home elated, and the hunters wife wipes
nOSo-anQ
battles her pink trimmed eyes in cold water, and
with a face radiant as an Easter day sun, thinks
she and her Charles are the happiest pair alive,
opens the piano that has been dumb for week,
and lips that have been puckered into a pout
for like time, and plays and sings:
'oh, take your time, Miss Lucy"
Mr. Adam had been abroad in top boots and
shooting jacket, from new moon to full, hunting
girls while Mrs. Eve staid at home and felt as
Il. Il-.1
ter breakfast on Monday morning, everything
being literally Sin the suds,' because Mrs. Eve
was unwilling-don't you think!-she should
wash the clothes with the Balm of Thousand
Flowers on account of her hands, you know.
Well, Mr.. Adam, having equipped himself with
a neighbors horse, and top buggy, which latter
he procured elsewhere, and made a point Of
inasmuch as girls have been lost to bereaved and
suffering families, simply because they were
come for in common one horse wagons The
harness was plated, the horse was gay, the sun
was shining, Mr.. Adam was well dressed and
good looking, and so far, all was well. He had
vowed, after the manner of Hannibal, that he
would not return girl-less, and with sort of
when shall W emeet-again' face, he babe Mrs
Eve good morning and set forth like Don
Quixote in search of adventure. For the first
ten miles he pushed on without inquiry, and
then refined up to disconsolate looking house
with one of the gables blown out, where a lean,
bluish-faced, antiquated woman and leaner
pig were disputng the right Of way, at the gate.
Mr. Adam put on his best smile, and accosted
the woman, making known the object of his
expedition. Gals! GALS she cried, bless you,
there amt none in these parts My ole man
has gone to-day to see if he can't find one, but
he won't. Gals is mighty now, tell ye'
Mr.. Adam drove on it was region Of 'magnif-
cent distances and he gladly welcomed the
81 eht Of a substantial farm house There were
girls in the yard, and girls at the door, and girls
at the window, and great stout girls they were
too. All thought MI Adam, this is the true
Paradise. Here are girls to the manor born,'
and so thinking, he drew rein again. The
mother of this happy family hardly heard him
through, when she burst in upon him with bless
your soul and bodvi have to hire myself Myl