Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1857-09-26
COUSIN SALLY billiard.
by HAMILTON c. JONES

We think it high time that Cousin Sally Dill
lard, Captain Rice and Co., were again brought
to the memory of the public. They deserve to
he reproduced every few years. Especially will
they keep our friends in good humor with
themselves for at least week after the reading.
Scene-A Court of Justice in North CoroLind.
A beardess disciple of Thems rises and thus
addresses the Court May it please your wor-
ships and you, gentlemen Of the iury since it
has been NV fortune (good or bad I will not saw
to exercise myself in legal dsquisons, it has
never bctallen me to be Obliged to prosecute so
dreful, marked, and malicious assault. a
more wiliul, violent dangerous battery, and fin
ally q more dIabolica breach of the peace has
seldom happened in a civilized country, and |
dare say it has seldom been your duty to pass
upon one so shocking TO benevolent feelings, as
this which took place over at Captain Rce's, in
this county. But YOU will hear from the wit
nesScs"
The Witnesses being sworn, two or three were
examined and deposed. One said that he heard
the noise and did not see the fight, another that
he very drunk and cou ldn't say much about
the skiImage.
LdWyer ChOps-l am sorry, gentlemen, to
have occupied your time with the stupidity OF
the witnesses examined. 1t arises, gentlemen,
altogether from msapprebenson on my part.
Had known, as | now do that had a witness
in attendance who was well acquainted with all
the circumstances of the case, and who was able
TO make himself clearly understood by the court
and jury, should not SO long have trespassed
upon your time and patience. Come forward,
Mr.. Harris. aud be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fat shuffy old
man, a "leeIle" corned, aud took his oath with
an air
ChopS-Ilarrs, we wish you to tell all about
the riot that happened the other day at Captain
Rices, and as good deal OF time has already
b en- wasted in crcumocution, We wish you TO
be compendious, and at the same time as explic-
II as possible.
Hdrris--A Adzackly, (giving the lawyer
knowing wink. and at the same time clearing
his throat) Captain Rice he gin treat, and
cousin Sally billiard she come over to our house
and axed me If my wife she mount 90? l told
cousin Sally billiard that my wife was poorly,
being as how she had a touch of the rheumatics
IN the hip, and the big swamp was up, for there
had been a heap Of rain lately, but howsomev-
er, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard, my wife
she mout 30. Well, cousin Sally billiard then
axed me il Nose he moutn't go? | told cousin
Sally billiard that he was the foreman of the
crap and the crap was smartly in the grass but
howsomever, AS II was she, cousin Sally Billiard
Nose he mout 90
Chops--in the name of common sense, Mr..
Harris, what do you mean by this rigmarole ?
Whnes-Captain Rice he gin a treat, and
cousin Sally billiard she came over to our house
and axed Inc if my wife she mount go : told
cousin Sally Dillard--
Chops- Stop, sir, if you please we don't want
to hear any thing about your cousin Sally Dill
lard and your wife tell us about the fight at
Rice's.
Waness-Wel will, sir, il you will let me-
Chops.-Wcll, sir, go on.
Witness-Weil. sir, Captain Rice he gin
treat, and cousin Sally billiard she came over
to our hou Sc and axed me if my wife she mount
90
Chops-There il is again. Witness please to
stop.
JVitneSs-Well, sir, what do you want
Chops-We want 10 know about The fight, and
YOU must not proceed in this impertnent story.
DO you know any thing about the matter before
the court?
Witness-To be sure do.
Chops-Well, you 60 on and tell it, and moth
ing else
JVitness-Wel, Captain Rice he gin treat
Chops-This is nlolerable May it please the
Court, ! move that this witness be committed for
contempt; he seems to he trfng with this
Court.
Court Witness, you are before court of JUS
tice, and unless you behave yourself in more
becoming manner you will be sent to Jail so
begin and tell what you know about the fight at
Captain Rlce's.
Witness, Charmed We'll, gentlemen, Cap
tain Rice he gin treat, and cousin Sally Dill
lard
Chops-I hope the witness may be ordered
into custody,
Court, latter deliberating) MIR Attorney, the
Court is OF the opinion that we may save time by
letting this witness go on in his own way. Pro-
ceed, MIR. Harris, with your story, but stick to
the point
Witness-Yes gentlemen. Well, Captain
Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally billiard
she came over to our house and axed me if my
wife she mount go? / told cousin Sally Dill
lard that my wife she was poorly. being as how
she had the rheumatics in the hip, and the big
swamp was up; but, howsomever, as it was she,
cousin Sally billiard, my wife she mout co.
Well, cousin Sally billiard then axed me if Nose
| he monn't go. | told cousin Sally billiard as
how Nose he was the foreman Of the crap, and
! the the crap was smartly in the grass but, how
somever, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard,
Nose he mout go. So they goes on together,
Nose, my wife, and cousin Sally billiard, and
they come to the big swamp, and it was up as
was telling you but being as how there was a
log across the big swamp, cousin Sally billiard
and Nose, like genteel folks, they walked the
log, but my wife hoisted her coats and waded
through
Chops-Heaven and earth, this is to bad but
| go"n.
IViness-Well, that's all Iknow about The fight.
PURITAN WOMEN.
New England history mentions the names OF