Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1857-08-13
Du1nuruus,
SUIT LOVEGOOD'S SHIRT.

The first person [ met was s'Sut" (after
crossing the Hiwassee) weaving and NOV
ing along in his usual rambling, uncertain
gait; his appearance at once satisfied me
that something was wrong. He had been
whipped in free fight, or was just
outgrowing one of his big drunks. But up
on this point was soon enlightened
"Why, Sut, what's wrong now %
Heaps wrong; durn me skin if I amt
most ded. Lite off that boss, George, an
take horn, while take two (shaking that
Everlasting flask of his at me) an plant your
self on that ar log an I'll tell ye eff [ ken,
but its most beyond tellin'. [ recken Pm
the darndest fool out en- Utaw scept my dad,
for he acted boss, an [ haint dun that yet
alters in some trap that cudent kech sheep.
Tll drown myself sum day, see eff don't,
just to stop family disposition to make
id fools on themselves"
elbow is it, Sut; have you been beat
playing cards, or drinking, which is it?'
parts; but seein' it's you, George, I'll tell
you; but swar I'm 'shamed- -sick-sorry
and-and-mad, am.
eye know [ boards with Bill Carr, at his
cabin on the mountain, and pays fur sich as
I gifts when [ hev money, and when [ hev-
ent any, why he takes one-third outen me
in cussin; and she that's his wife, Bets, takes
out tother two-thirds with the battlin' stick,
and the intrust with her tongue, and the in
! trusts more'n the princTl-heap more
She's the cussedes 'oman ever seed eny
how for jaw, breedin' and pride She can
scold blister onto bulls face rite on the
curl in two minits She outbreeds ev'ry-
thing on the river-and patterns arter ev'ry
fashin she hears tell on, from bussels to
britches. Oh! she's one on 'em, and some
times she's two or three. Well, ye see,
got some hum made cotton truck to make g
new shirt outen. and coaxed Bets to make it
and about the time it wer dun here comes
lawyer johnson along and axed for break.
fus-I wish. it he'd pizened him, durn hi
hide, and I wonder it didn't, for she cooks
awful mixings when she tries I'm pizer
proof MYSELF (holding up his flask ano
peeping through it) cor I'd been dead long
ago.
"Well, while he were eatin' she spiec
that his shirt was stiff an nifty slick so she
never rested till she worm'd it outen him
that a preparation of -four did it; and sht
got few particulars about the perceeding
outen him by 'oman's arts-I don't know
how she did it, perhaps he does. Arter h'
left she set in an billed big pot of paste
nigh unto peck of it, an soused in my shir
and let it soak awhile, then she tuck it an
ironed it out flat and dry and sot it up on it,
aidge agin the cabin in the sun. Thar i
stood as stiff as a dry boss hide, an it rat
tied like a sheet of iron, it did. It were
pasted together all over. When [ cum t(
dinner nothin' wud do but I must put it on
Well, Bets an me got the thing open artel
some hard work, she pulling at one end Of
the tails and me at the tother, an I got in.
to it. Durn the everlasting new tangled
shirt, I say. l felt like [ had crawled into
an old bee gum an hit full Of pisants; but
it were like lawyer Johnson's and I stud il
like man, and went to work to build Bets
a ash hopper. [ worked powerful hard and
swet like hoss, and when the shert got wet
it quit its hurting.
carter I got dun I took four fingers Of
red-head, and crawled up into the cabin loft
to take snuze.
"Well, when I walked up [ thought I was
ded, or had the cholery, for all the joints I
could move wer my ankles, wrists, knees
couldn't even move my head and skasely
wink my eyes-the cussed shirt was pasted
fast onto me all over, from the pint of the
tails to the pint Of the broadax collar over
my years. It sot to me as close as poor
COW dus to her hide in March, squirmed
and strained till sorter got it broke at the
shoulders and elbows, and then I done the
durndest foolish thing ever did in these
mountains. shufded my britches off and
tore loose from nv hide about two inches of