The north Iowa times. [volume] (M'Gregor [i.e. McGregor], Iowa) 1856-1857, 1857-07-03
Written for the Sunday Times.
SORROWS OF A FAT MAN.
j. 1 v1crtx.

HaiQst.' t@91mE,- - aa5 #Ef!lEh1
1t win not do I have been shame.
fully imposed upon II I did not despi,e
strong strong. language, !, I should say '"ham-
| am . fat man. Polite people call
me stout; but they smile when they
uSe the more delicate term. am con.
scious ofemy physical enormity. am
TOO conscious of it. for it provokes my
indignation. Tosoften the description.
therefore. without altering the fact. is
sheer Hypocrisy |; and dislike hypo-
critics even when they practice their dis
stimulation in order to avoid hurting my
feelings.
T Yes, I am a fat man and Ihave tried
|every known remedy for the disease ;
for superauous deposits Of fat are Just
as much the result of that morbid phys
icsl condition which we call disease. as
super6uous deposits ofrwater. The
only difference is this-the latter class
of disorders has variety of appropri-
ate names, and the former has none.-
The one kind we include in the terms
dropsy, hydrocephelas, &c. the former
we succinctly but very enormously ag-
gregate under the one generic title
"fat. ]" ""@f1 sa"ta - =
am not . hearty eater. Indeed. as q
general rule, I devour much less than
those of my acquAintances who are not
half my size. And they have this ad-
vantage besides-.hey can eat much and
heartily with impunity, while I am
scarcely able to breathe after l have
swallowed the first mouthful, 1t is my
defect that I assimilate too readily that
is,a the food I digest is almost entirely
converted into hesh and blood, while
withsother pevple only a small portion
undergoes that change. leaving the rest
to be thrown of as useless matter. h
& And what have / not resorted to for
the purpose Of thinning down my adj.
pose redundancy I endured my
gradual increase of aesh. and Of course,
Of my tailor's bills. until saw the fiat
boy" At the Museum, His condition
alarmed me. Il stood before me the
picture of myself. and was appalled, as
we'll as disguised l heard that, fearful
|of bursting, he had employed a physi-
clan to unfa,ten' him. Heaven only
knows what the 'quack he hired to re-
duce him by the job" gave him in the
way of medicine. But the "fat boy''
died in the process, aud his medical al
wiser was arraigned for malpractice or
murder, forget which. D , qartaz{+
could not trust one of the faculty
after such an example. On the contrary,
l read every book l could obtain on the
subject. and doctored myself. / tried
alkalies. AS alkalies and fat constitute
soap, l had an idea that by taking pot
ash in sufficient quantity could convert
my exuberant fat into the saponaceous
compound, and thus get rid of it. Itis
possible that I succeeded in one sense.
and converted my stomach into q soap
factory on an extensive scale; but the
so.p did me more injury than the sub
stance it was intended to remove. I
stopped the treatment just in time to
escape consumption. .s
The next thing that I tried was aci-
dulous food. l knew that young ladies
WHO desired TO maintain 'genLel fig
ure" drank vinegar. Improved on the
idea, and tor three months lived almost
exclusively on pickles and lemonade
AS consequence. l was seized with an
Inflammation of the bowels, from the
effects Of which l barely escaped with
my life. And when I recovered. the
process Of fattening went on with re
doubled vigor N my animal economy.
gained half pound day regularly,
for some time !: whereas. before. / had
only augmented in daily weight at the
rate of four ounces. .
Then read Of the French savan who
had adopted tho theory that all herbiv
orous animals were naturally fat, and all
carniverous ones thin. He illustrated
his notion by pointing out the lion. the
tiger. Cat. leopard. panther. greyhound.
&C.. ~ dssh-easing creatures who re-
mained constantly lean: he pointed to
the COW, the or. the elephant. DO. as
bulky. unwisldy in many cases. and
tending perpetually to fat. because their
food was farinaeeous or vegetable.
/ Iobserve that writer in Household
Words has elaborated the same theory,
obtained from the same source: and in
sis,s that patient has been cured Of
his obesity. in Paris. by q medical phi
losopher who treated him accordingly.
But / feel sure that the story Of the
patient is new romance. Do you ask
me why Because ! confined myself
to diet Of lean meat with rigorous ex
ac.ness. ate beefsteak for break fast,
roast beef for dinner. aad beef hash at
tea. eschewed bread. closed my
eyes at the sight Of q potatoe. turned
away with sigh from green peas and
asparagus. ! touched nothing thot
could oxygenate my system, and ] car.
bonised it plsntifully and with painful
assiduity. n sect la.. aa
Alas it was al Of no use. I grew
fatter on meat than on vegetables
More than that. grew as hard as q
board. Before. was like a cushion
If fell on tho earth. I bounced as
though were . ball. Now ! tumble
,n,c ,;s a pillar granite / might break
into fragments, but / have not sufficient
elasticity leftin either my limbs orbody
to enable me to restore myself to the per-
pendicular without assistance
Isay, therefore, that ] have been i'm
posed upon. All theae schemes are
valueless. and yet all have been put for-
ward Tor the world 70 believe Is veritable
truths and unqucstionable demonstrs-
tons. ! was . fat man. am still I
fat msn. have but one hope left for