Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1857-06-10

Ye or you make tracks,
They absquatulate.
my DEAR" said good-hearted but soft
headed actor, TO his wife the other morning
-" d-d-d-dont t-t-t-talk about your husbands
coming home drunk. The other night
poor c. was taken home to his heart
broken spouse in a wheelbarrow
-"Zounds, feIlowr' exclaimed choleric
old gentleman to very phlegmatic matter
offact person, 81 shall 90 out of my wits"
"Well, you won't have far to go" said the
phlegmatic man.
One man asked another why his beard
was brown, and his hair white because"
he said, zone is twenty years younger than
the other"
You can'tfill man as you fill pitcher:
He always will hold
A little more gold,
And never's so rich that he wouldn't be richer.
a Mr.. Flanagan, in Dublin paper,
puts his name to the following genuine an
nouncement:
81 hereby warn all persons from trusting
my wife, Ellen Flanagan, on my account
as I'm not married to her."
-" How shall | take this coat apart" said
an Industrious wife to her waggish husband.
"Why, you should know, my dear; you
made it, you know. should say, do it pref
ty much as you put it together; for as you
sew SO shall you rip-you knows"
The old gentleman who thought he
could stop rathole with roasted cheese, has
just been overtaken with another halucina-
ton, viz, that young women can be kept
from knowing "whats what" by sending
them to boarding-school.
"A wag asked his friend, "How many
knaves do you suppose lives in this street be-
sides yourself~
"Besides myself?' replied the other, in
heat, ado you mean to insult me?"
"Well then," said the first, I" how many
do you reckon including yourself?"
a cunning lawyer meeting with
shrewd old friend on a white horse, deter
mined to quiz him. Good morning, dad
dy! Pray, what makes your horse look so
pale in the facet"
"Ah! my dear friend" replied the old
man, if thee had looked through halter
80 long, thee would look pale too"
fan will ye be afther telling me what
o'baste ye call this?" said newly-arrived
Irishman, holding up wasp between his
thumb and finger. "Och, murder! spake
quick, for he's biting me'
Philosophy of Kissing.-Dont make
noise over it, as if you were firing off per-
cussion caps, nor pounce down upon her like
a hungry hawk upon an innocent dove, but
gently fold the damsel in your arms, without
deranging the economy of her tippet or ruff
file, and by the sweet pressure upon her mouth,
revel in the blissfulness of your situation,
without smacking your lips upon it as you
would over roast duck.
-" Poppy, the corn's up"
"The corn ups Why, I only planted it
yesterday"
81 know that but the hogs got in last
night and guy it lift you hadn't counted
on"
Scene closes with grand tableau, in the
midst of which Poppy seizes poker and
rushes out.
"A very diffident young gentleman, wait
ing on maiden home in the evening, desir-
ed her not tomention it, as it might cause re-
mark. "Don't be afraid" said she, " of my
telling. / feel as much ashamed of it as you
do"
The Albany Rnickerbocker gives the
following recipe to destroy flies "Take a
boarding house pie, cut it into thin slices, and
lay it where the flies can have full access to
it. In less than fifteen minutes, the whole
caboodle Of them will be dead with the chol-
ic"
One too many for the W5dow.-There
is good story of handsome Yankee ped
pier who made love to young widow down
in Pennsylvania. He accompanied his dec
laration with an allusion to two impediments
to their union.
Name them," said the widow.
"The want of means to set up retail
store"
They parted, and the widow sent the ped
der a check for ample means. When they
met again, the peddler had hired and stock
ed his store, and the smiling fair one begged
20 know the other impediment.
II