The Abbeville banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1847-1869, 1856-06-12
A WIFE IN ECSTASY AND HUSBAND IN
EIDGETa

| tIUGETS.
The deed is accomplished. My wife has
got piano, "and now farewell the tram
gull mind-farewoll content and tho eve.
ming papers, and the big cigars that make
ambition virtue-oh, farewell! And OH
ye mortal engines, whose rude tLroats the
immortal Jove's dread cIamors counterfeit :"
but stop cannot bid them farewell, for ono
of them has just arrived. 1t came on y
dray. Six men carried it into the parlor
and it grunted awfully. 1t weighs ton,
shines like mirror, and has carved Cupids
climbing up its limbs. And such lungs
whew! My wife has commenced to prac-
tice, and the first time that she touched tho
machine, 1 thought that we were in the
midst of thunderstorm, and the lightning
had struck the crockery chests. The cat.
with tail erect, took a bee line for rartic-
u'ar friend upon the back fence, dcmolisll-
ing SIX shilling pane Of glass. The baby
awoke and the little fellow tried his best to
beat the instrument, but lie didn't do it.
1t beat him. A teacher has been intro
duced into the house. He wears bune
moustache, looks at me fcrccly, smells Of
garlic, and goes by the name of Count
Run-away-a y-andncyer.come- back again -bv.
lie played an extract dc opera the other
night. lie run his fingers through his hair
twice, then grinncd, then he cooked his
eyes up at the ceiling, like monkey hunt
ing flies, then down came one of his fin.
gers, and heard delightful sound. similar
to that produced by cockroach dancin..
upon the tenor string Of fiddle. Down
came another finger, and was reminded
OF the wind whistling through the knot
hole in hen coop. lie touched his thumb,
and thought I was in an orchard listening
to the distant bray,ng Of jackass. Now
lie ran his fingers along the keys, and
thought of boy rattling a stick uyon ;.
picket fence. All of a sudden he s.op,ed.
and thought something had happened.
Then down came both fists, aud, oh, Lord
such noise was never heard before
thought hurricane had struck the house.
anu Tie walls were cavi"g in. i Imagined
was i'll the cellar, and ton of coal was
falling upon my head. thought tile ma
chine had burst when the inferno, noise
stopped, and heard my wife ejaculatc-
Exquisite }" "What the deuce is tho
matter?" The answer was, "Why dear.
that's In Somnambula s" "IIang Som
nambula!" thought I; aud the Count
rolled up his sheet of paper lie calls i.
music; but for the life of me, can't make
it look like anything else than rail fence
with lot of Juvenile niggers climbing
over it.
Before that instrument of torture came
INTO the house, l could enjoy myself, but
now every darned woman in the neiehbor
hood must he invited to hear tile new piano.
aud every time the blasted thing sbrieks
out, like locomotive with the bronchitis, /
have TO praise its tone, and when the invi-
ted guests are playing l have to say, "Ex-
quisite ~" Delightful -" Heavenly !" and
all such trash: while, at the same time, I
know just as much about music as a blind
Goldfish. There are more tuning hammers
than comforts in our house, and-and I
wish the inventor of the piano was troubled
with perpetual nightmare, and obliged to
sleep i'll one Of his Instruments all his life.
AS for myself, had rather put my head
under tin pan and be drummed TO sleep
with pair Of smoothing irons than hear
LA Somnambula," or any other La
thumped out Of a piano. Scatter pennies
in front Of my house, and draw together all
the wondering minstrels in the city-hand
organs, banjos, fiddles, tambourines, rat
ting bones and fish horns. Let juvenile
monkeys crawl in ut my windows in searcl,
Of three cent pieces-let me be awakened
at midnight by the cry of murder ~
ring the fire lells and have devil of
time generally-do all this, and will not
complain but Danish the pianos Ny pi-
ano has got to 60. am going to launch
the Internal machine out Of the window the
first dark night, and, my frients, advise
you to sleep with cotton in your ears, for
when she gives her dying grunt, you'll think
you've fallen out of bed or a fallen star has
gone to roost upon your housetop. For the
information Of Young America nj will
state that all the pieces of brass wire and
ivory keys they are welcome to, but the
skeleton l want for a refrigerator.
-~s>s%, ,sa
Astsn.-We want to. give some folks a
| 1;ft1o o1,soo fo, x.ksol, .f.-.,