The Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1837-1867, 1856-05-03
Tbf Californian.

\ |; ! J.. Il

A Wife II FL sacy & Husband in f idSess.
The deed is accomplished. Ny wife has
got piano, land now farewell! the tranquil
minc-farew content and the evening pa
Eers and the big cigars that make ambition
virtue-oh, farewell. And oh: We mortal
engines, whose rude throats the immortal
Jove's dread clamors counterfeit = but stop.
! can't bid them farewell. for one Of them
has just arrived 1t cane Gu a dray. Six
men arried It into the parior and it grunted
awfully 1t weighs ton, shines like a MIRROR,
and has carved Cupids climbing up its limbs
And such lungs-whcw. NV wife has COM
nenred TO practice, and the first time she
touched the machine, thought we were in
the midst Of thunder storm. and the light
ming had struck the crockerv chests. The
cat, with tail erect, took bee line for par
,icular friend upon the back fence, dcmol-
'>hing a six shilling pane Of glass. The baby
awoke and the little fellow tried his best to
beat the instrument, out he didn't do it. 1t
beat him. A tearhrr has been introduced
into the house. lie says he is the last OF
NaPoleon's grard army. He wears huge
moustache. looks at NE fi-rcely. smells OF
garlic, and goes by the name OF Count Run
away ndnever-come-b ack-again. lie play
cd an extract de opera the other night. lie
run bis fingers throu gh his hair twice, then
gr'nned, then he cooked his eyes up at the cell
ing. like monkey hunting flies. then down
came one Of his fingers, and heard de-
hghtful sound. similar to that produced by a
cockroach dancing upon the tenor string of
n hdHIo .u,1
WAS reminded OF the wind whstinS thro a
knot hole in ahen coop. lie touched histhunsb
and thought was in an orchard listening
to the brayinc Of a jackass. Now he ran his
Singers along the keys, and thought OF a boy
raftling stick upon a picket fence. All OF
. sudden he stopped, and | thought some
thing had happened. Then down came both
lists, and oh, Lord such noise was never
heard before. thought hurricane had
struck the house, and the walls we're cavin9
IN. imagined was in cellar, and ton
Of coal was falling upon my head thought
the machine had burst WHEN the internal
noise stopped. and heard my wifi. calculate
-"Exqui.ite :" What the .uce is the mat
tsr:' The answer was. why, dear. that's
Ia Somnambula" The Com, rolled u!
h'' sheet ofpaper. He calls it music; but
for the life Of me. can't n.ake it look like
anything else than rail fence witt! !c' of
juvenile niggers climbing over it. Before
that instrument of torture came into the
house, could enjoy myself. bat now every
dsrned woman in the neighborheod must be
invited to hear the piano, AMI every time the
blasted thing shriek- out. like a iuco:Ho;i. {
with bronchitis. Id, I - pra,r /. tines, ana
when the invited guests are laying ! h.vr
to say. "Exquis;:. :" 'l,-,,s.t:u..." "Heav-
emily" and al! such trash, while, at the sau.e
time. know just as much aoou: mus: as 4
blind Goldfish. There are mere tuning ham
n'ers than comforts ir our house. and and
wish the inventor o: the piano was troubled
with perpetual III Ih,nlare. and o...-".l -
sleep in one OF his Instruments al! III. ~,
AZ tor myself. | lad rather PIT n.v head u
der tin pan and he .i-unmed to sleep with
smoothing irons than hear la Somnam
bula," or any other la thuinne'i ou. on u
ano. Scatter pennies III iIOnt Ot NV hOu:''.
and draw together all the wandering ti"-
strels in the city-han1 organs, bar jog, iid-
dies, tambourihes, rafting bones. and fish
horns LIE: juvenile monkeys crawl in at nv
windows in search OF three cen. pieces-!e,
rae be awakened a. .snidni yh, by the cry of
"murder ring The fire bells and have a
time general y--.lo all this. and | will no,
complain; bu, Danish the pianos. My III
AFRO has 60: to 20. | all going to launch the
internal machine out 0. the window The first
DARK night aud. INV friends. advise you &c
sleep with cotton in your ears. or when sa,
gives her dying groan You'll think you'v,
fallen out OF bed or fallen star has gone ,o
roost upon your Lonsvtop. For the intorma
ton OF 'fcnry Amerir.." ! will state tina
oil the pieces Of brass wire and ivory KEY
they are welcome 10, lut tn skeleton wan
for = refrigerator.
LrxrRiEs FOR CATTlk.-S,,l Smi,
used to say; Il am for all cheap luxurie:
even 70! animals; now all animals have pa.
sion for scratching their back homes: the
break down your gates and paiings to eile,
this. Look there is my universal scratvhel
. shsrp-edged pole resting on high and lo
post, adapted 70 every height, from a hor>
to = lamb. Even the Edinhugh review.
can take his turn: YOU have no idea ho
popular it IS. have not had gate broke
since pat it up. have it in all my fields
COMPLEMENTARY. Horace Creole
speaks Of Washington city As follows
ut has no commerce but that which mini
tiers to their own immediate wants 10 mai
ufactures, bat the man atat lure Of claims {
the Treasury; 10 arts tut the art of bori
giinlet holes into the public chest, and e
lar9ing them 70 augcr-hcic> a. rapidly as pc
sible"
A NV YORK BARRIER. 1t i. stated tn
Edward Phalnn, the New York barber of Il
St Nicholas Hotel, gave party recent!
which cost $4,000. There were 700 que,
and the orchestra were some of the beat pc
formers in tie country.
REcIpE FOR MAkiNG Milk ~ a
GENT TINES Take one Car, ferd her
grass. hav ard tscu!ent roots. Milk b
night anu morning. Let the milk stand I
the cream rises Skim off the crean,-add
each gallon Of milk four quarts of water
the milk is then ready for city use.
RECirE FOR MAKING MILK AT ri
rREsKST TIME-Iake Pump. work t
handle til! a sufficient quantity Of water
obtained for you purpose. Add to the wa,
moiassss. masnesla and anatto. FIJI up {,
cans with water. and Serve customers fir,
carts labelled Pure Orange County Mill
Young .imerico.