The Ashland union. [volume] (Ashland, Ashland County, Ohio) 1854-1868, 1856-07-02
gflisfellaueous.
WIFE IN EXTACY AND HUSBAND
IN FIDGETS.


The deed is accomplished. Ny wife
has gat piano, "and nov farewell to
the tranquil mind-farewcll content aud
the evening papers and the big cigars
that make ambition virtue-oh farewell !!
And oh, ye mortal engines, whose rude
throat the immortal Jove's dread clam
ors counterfeit;" but stop, can't bid
them farewell. for one of them has just
arrived.
It came on dray. Six men carried
it into the parlor, and it grunted awful
ly. It weighs ton, shines Ikea mirror,
and has carved Cupids climbing up its
limbs. And such lungs-wheWt My
wife has commenced to practice, and the
first time she touched the machine, l
thought we were in the midst of thun-
der storm, and the Tightening had struck
the crockery chests. The cat, with tail
erect, took bee-line for a particular
friend on the back fence, demolishing
six shilling pain of glass. J lie baby
awoke and the little fcllow tried his best
TO beat the instrument, but he didn't do
il. Il beat him. A teacher has been
introduced into the house. He says he
is the last of Napoleon's grand army.
He wears huge moustaehe, looks at me
fercely and smells of garlic, end goes by
the name of Count Run ay-and-never-
come -back-again-by He played an ex-
tract de opera the other night. He run
his fingers through his hair twice, then
grinned, then he cooked his eyes up at
the ceeling, like monkey hunting flies,
then down came one Of h s fingers, and,
I heard delightful sound, similar to
that produced by ,cockroaeh dancing
upon the tenor string of fiddle. Down
came another finger and I was reminded
of the wind whistleing through q knot
hole in hen coop. He touched his
thumb, and I thought I was in an orch
ard listening to the distant .braying of
jackass. Now he ran his fingers along
the keys, and / though of a boy rattling
stick along picket fence. al of a.
sudden he stopped, and I thought some
thing had happened. Then down came
both fists, and Oh, Lord! such a noise
was never heard before. I thought a
hurricane had struck the house, and the
walls were caving in. imagined [ was
in cellar, and ton of: coal falling up
on my head. I thought the machine
had bust, when the Internal noise stop
ped and 7 heard my wife calculate,
!" Exquisite !"
!" What the deuce is the matter?"
The answer was
"Why, dear, ,teht's La somnambu-
Falp'
aSomnambnla, thought I, and the,
count rolled up his sheet Of paper. He
calls it music; but for the life of me, l
can't make it look like anything else
than rail fence with a lot Of little mig
gers climbing over it.
Before that instrument Of torture
came into the house, l could enjoy my
self but now every darned woman in the
neighborhood must be invited to hear
the new piano, and every time the bl sst-
ed thing shrieks out like a locomotive
with the bronchitis, I have to praise its
tones. When the invited guest are play
ing I have to say" Exquisite l"-.l
e DelightfulI" Heavenly p-and all 1
such trash while, 1T the same time, I
know just as much about music as a,hlind
cod fish. There are more tuning ham
ners than comforts in our house /; and
and wish the inventor of the piano was
gss.at *