The daily union. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1845-1857, 1856-09-27

s i.,v esrgymen -sed 10 take their texts FROM the
Bibe and preach peace and goodwill to men, women, and
little girls Our old minister whose Sunday sermon chas
tsd nv Saturdays apple stealing didn't take gunpow-
der text and under Aromatic SchnaPps inspiration preach
bowitzer and sx-pounder sermon, having submarine
battery peroraton with large invoice Of reyoyer and
hoUiekuiyes thrown in by way Of rhetorical grace He
d TO think bis duty keep his people from and
,dEs and teach begerent humans not 10 pull OF their
coats for free fight every time any body trod on their
corns
recently attended the performance Of the Rev. Blood
and Thunder Screecher who renowned for his prolonged
breks for freedom dsunion free Kansas runaway dark
lea sharpes rifles bowieknives bulldogs, and big muss
Generally He breaches eeetoneering sermons and IL Is
ala that he carries his pocket full OF Fremont ballots and
makes his people take a the presidential question
very Sunday to see that they all sound the goose
II also asserted that he spends his leisure hours firing at
the iron in the shooting gallery and in throwing
tomahawk at mark occasionally varying those delight
f occupations by taking boxing lessons learning how to
ouJs Missouri taking long drinks of Aromatic Schnapps
between times.
Went to the church. which arranged like theatre,
with The beat place for those who pay the most
instead of pulpit there stage for the ministers to
nerfor on-people in droyesseas were soon full
then huge pyramid of stools in was attacked
BY st energetic and determined sections who speedily tore
IL 10 pieces and scattered the fragments through the ases
for folks to sit on
Orqanist executed grand Kansas battle piece in five
sharps with vocal imitation of the shrieks OF the settlers
and the curses Of the borderuians. Then the minister
came up through trapdoor like the harlequin in the
pantoume when the devil has got invitation for him
he prayed long prayer bis overcoatthen he took of
his oyercoat and read hymn very quick metre with
very strong chorusthen he down his and
read his letters
The organist here made preparations to gyrate-he
rolled up his sleeves not TO interfere with his
fngershen he rolled up his pantaoons so as not to
trouble his toes then he unbuttoned his crayat and
loosene his vest at this instant very muscular man
disappeared from the ranks in the gallery, vanished
through cubby hoe and instantly lost in the anato-
my Of the organ-then there great rafting in the
bowels thereof If 1t couldn't digest the muscular man,
but had great deal of wind on its stomach.
This was the preparation.
Then the organst commenced violent struggle with
the board if he regarded the unfortunate organ
fstcu enemy, whom il would require his utmosstrength
and dexterity to overcomeso he went in-he hammered
him on the white keys, he beed him the black ones,
he punched him in the semitones he kicked him in the
double bass he put in series of running kicks in his
chromatc scale pe,ed him in the fats he battered him
in the sharps he smote him in the high keys he bit him
in the low notes then he grabbed both hands in his
tayes and shook him until be squeaed; then he fero-
ciousy erked the stops one side as If he was pull
ing half his teeth out of his nead-then he sayagely
damned in those the other IL he knocking the
rest of his grinders down his hroaaer three quarters
of an hour the left hand which had been doing manul
service in the lower suburbs began to fail and for
reinforcement whereupon the right hand after hitting the
upper chord of sharp furious dig to keep quiet in
the interval scampered to the rescue only stopping by
way TO bestow upon the middle couple of punches by
way Of a remnder--then the player with both hands,
both feet and his knees went at the poor instrument and
beabored him so numerically in the lower pipes that he
lost his wind and cried enough in of agony.
This was the prelude.
Then the singing commenced the opera folks stood mp
to their money they sang If the music scale had
been creased this OCCASION and they climbing for
pig on the top of il; they would 60 up or two
and then slip blackjack notch higher than
the one before him. but fell back before he reached the
prize and his voice subsidized into a discontinued growl
low down in his ribs At last after FIVE trials each one
of which ended in attenuaed squeak female with
a mouth like hstchway, loosened her bonnet strings
made desperate scream and high that she finally
got firm hold Of the oleagnous reward Of merit and bore
it of in triumph then they all stopped
This the singing.
Then the muscular out Of the bowels with the
perspration dripping from tails he hadn't another
suit handy he sat down in the draught to dry.
This the finale
Here the minister read number Of gratis advertise
ments for and twenty pcncs then there
was another sngehanded combat between the organst
and his old enemy and greased.pg vocaliza-
ton by the thousanddolar choir after which the star
preacher began to perform In earnest be read text and
stuck the subject for fifteen minutes giving bis hearers
FITS" about their Shortcomings when the plate passed
then he gave glowing description Of the joys OF Paradise
and by bis eloquent words had got far into the spirit
land that could almost hear the departed spirits blow
their noses when suddenly he short his hiehfoun
piey, and began to talk politics and general news He
spoke the state Of the stock markets gave notice OF III.
patent baot-box review Of the encouraging prog
poets Of Fremont the value Of Sharpes ries and the re-
tail price Of schiedAm schnApps.
Then he gave with great guso delightful account, OF
imaginary pleasant transactions In Kansas wherein
couple Of men roasted alive in burning og-cabir
while their wives compelled by the amiabls border
ruhans superintend the cookery. Then be made some
very good jokes which the people laughed then he said
something about the Union which they applauded
should have supposed myself in ratification meeting n
the hadn't all their hats Off and there hadn't been %
many that their bonnets looked like cherry or
chard. Soon he put in word about aBuchaneers5 and
black republicans thought then was in political
meeting sure and expected every minute to hear No IS
boys come down with three times three and "ger" for
Buck and Brock" Aer tins be grew frantic about
bleeding Kansas and talked earnestly about Shapes
rifles that concluded he had agency and got per-
centags all be sold he didn't make any remarks
about schnapps, and didn't see any bottles
though / suppose there must have been a sample
handy. He had now got his ministerial steam al
most up to exploding point and raced round hi
little platform as II he was crazy and wanted get AT