Daily American organ., 1856-03-07
WHOLE NO. Ala.
4 Bachelors troubles.
nY fnIsrAs pHUMnLE.


And wish for wife -bnt alas lis All in vain. Il
Sing down derry DOWN. x Z.
Confound the luckf Here I've been hall an horr
looking after my Sunday boots and finally found
one of them on the centre table, beneath thou
sand, more or less, books and papers and the other
rubbish. Well, I've found my clean shirt at last.
and where do yon think il was? 4 hope to heller
if hadn't put 1t in my hat-box; and my hat hid
placed ina chest where keep my linen. Hat al
smashed to thunder-cost fiyc dollars--oh, OH
Je-rusarlem Here's discovery. This shirt
hasn't got button on it, and tho wristbands and
collarar all frzzed up with "dcrliceurs ike the
finges II believe that's the name) on woman 's-g
what dye call em ?--neck encircler; that's near
enough any way, Why, what's the matter with
this shirt Rip J cant get il or nor on Rpl
that's the way tho money COOS, Shirt cost one
Crackee, how cold it is why the fire has /" clean
gin out That's another job. Crack --crackZ -
phz Why, WHAT'S the matter with the Goals p
Come to think, threw pail Of water over them.
Have to borrow some splinters.
Mrs. Sanctimonious, win you give me few
splnters ~ 'to'
Mercy onrus! Why, ir Mr. Phumblc hasn't
come right out afore me with nothing on but hs
brfechss and his wig is olf, too. Law sakesl !. q
never knew he wore wig !"
80, dear! Why didn't throw something over
me? My wigi is off, too. Now it NJ be all over
town in few minutes that Phumble wears a wig.
Wouldn't have 1t known for fifty dollars No,
stree Well, / must have a fire some way. Les
me see, Blowed if don't make splinters of tlat
old washstand !; it isn't of any use to me and the
wash bowl will do just as well on my linen chest.
Truly, necessity is the mother Of invention y
Slap bang That's the way to use old rub
bish II"
Whz bang
I There's something coming"
4 Mr. Phumble, how ea,, yon make such rack
ct on the Sabbath day r. N sV
'Allow me to toll you Mrs. Sanctimonious, ii
that it's none of your business.
81 reckon I'm lord ofmy own room, If do live
in boarding house and if ] wanted to, la break
nyneck for all Of youw
you old hedgehogl" '"ssse sg.lR s-i
sob, percy If YOU havn't broken up my wash
stand-my favorte wash stand the last gift OF my
| dear, departed husband. Boo hoo !hoo !" ,f
Tears for an old wash-stand Botheration! III
rather hear it thunder any time, than TO see a wo
man in tears and hear her bIubberipg
My heart begins TO melt--it's all I" running
down." like clock, or butter on a hot summer 4
day. t
aDear Mrs Sancty-heaven bless you! Here's e
a ten, for smashing your treasure. Now dry up;
there's good woman--and please leave this roon
in trife shorter than half dozen seconds
"Dear, Mr.. Phumbet ten dollars, as live why
that's enough to pay for half dozen such keep
sakes
"What winning way the mans got! you're
jewel, Mr.. Phumble-that you are"
And you're confounded old swindler! ten dol
lars gone to her capacious pocket. wish my
heart was made Of iron. a.. kfa t@e4
Well, the fires going at Inst. CrackAcrack
swhiz--turr-r; what 10 cheorful glow it sends
through the room., But il cost ten dollars.a
That's very much like Lighting cigars with ten
dollar bills.
/ "Wcn, what am to do for shrty Thark
fprfi, Gva baiP
dozen in my chest-ny washstand, rather, as il is
now. What wonderful knack have of "killirl+
two birds with one stonen--half dozen some
times. Now that chest answers all the purposes
of a mantel piece side table for books, papers,
and eating table sometimes, and now it comes in
play as wash stand, capital washstand, and the
inside perfect museum. Linen, cigars, pipes and
tobacco, matches, /" schnappsn letters aud " other
articles too numerous to mention Oh, there's
great deal in knowing how to arrange things.
know woman couldn't arrange, md economic,
and turn everything to advantage, half as well
rs |.
Moses and the prophets if le water hasn't
leaked out of the wash bowl and got mixed up
with my linen and other fxings! Crash-slap,
dash; there goes the rest of the water, bowl and
all, right on to my shirtsl Bowl all smashed TO
pieces, another expensel Iguess that chest won't
do for a washstand without make place for my
linen under the bed. a capital deat I'll arrange
it all tomorrow. We'll, III have to dry shirt be-
fore can wear one,
Y There it hangs on the back Of chair before tlie
blazing Gre-looking for all the world Ike shirt
on a bean-poe." Reminds me Of an answer lady
once gave me. | saw some sort Of an rnder-gar-
ment, once, drying before the fire, Ike my shirt
" Miss said TO young lady in the room,
"can you inform me what that outandish thing
is ?"
"That" she answered, with blush, "is shim-
myset"
She didn't think heard her when she nuttered
in low tone, "Ill bet my old shoes tbatnian isn's
marriedw
A queer name, truly, that I" shimmyset" II
should think shimmy- rest or hang would be good
deal more proper.
All what tale-bearers these old women are -
How soon the story of my wig went over the town,
magni6ed and increased until find out my teeth
are false. Told Of it to my teeth, too; and then
left me TO chew the cud of my solitary ancies.-
Well, well was told was in love C!) the other
day, and that I'd get the mtten (his was told by
young tale-bearer, just beginning to develop her
natural propensities) was told, too that was
dead, and that my spirit bad communicated to this
world the astonishing fact, that the reason was
never married was because was victim Of CO.
quette OF couI sc every word is true. How can
deny the stories Of respectable scaudal-mongers?
But viii 9 throw down the glove" to these re-
spectacle old, &c, and to every story l say,
prove it. .
Women are nuisences, with few exceptions. !
look around my humble tenement and can't help
congratuating myself on being free from their
scandalizng presence. Home, home, sweet sweet
home
s. ~. ~ /" Home is where love is"
says somebody Whom have TO love and echo
answers, Whoml n but il doesn't answer "What'
Hnrrah for the neuter gender Here's bache-
lars solaoe--a bachelors bow to make homo
happy,ra good cigar--[puf, puff. Float away,