Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1856-04-19
A WIFE IN EXTACY AND A HUs-
BAND IN RIDGETs.

The decd is accomplished. My wife has got
a piano, "aud now farewell the tranquil mind
farewell content and the evening papers and
the beg cigars that make ambition viriue--oh,
farewell And oh ye mortal engines, whose
rude threats the immortal Jo,e sdread clamots
counierieit," but stop, | cant bid them fare
we'll, iur one Of them has just arrived. II came
on a dray. Six men carried it into the parlor
and il eruntei awiully. II weighs a ton. shines
like a mirror, aud has carved Cupids climbing
/ Up its limbs And such lunps-whew NV
wife has commenced 10 practice, and the FRS,
time she touched Tie machine. thought we
were in the midst OF thunder storm, and the
lightning had struck the crockcry chests. The
cat with tail erect took bee line for n par
iicular friend upon the back fence, demolishing
six shilling pane Of glass. The baby awoke
and the little fellow tried his best to beat the
instrument. but he didn't DO il. II beat him.
A teacher has been introduced into the house.
lie says he is the last Of Napoeon's grand ar
my He wears huge moustache, looks at me
fercely, smells Of garlic, and goes BY the name
ofCouni-Run-away- and-never.come- back again
by lie played an extract de opera the other
night. He run his fingers through his hair
twice, then rrnned. then he cooked his eyes
up at the ceiling, like monkey hunting flies,
then down came one Of his fingers, and heard
delightful sound similar to that produced BY
cockroach dancing upon the tenor string Of
fiddle. Down came another finger, and was
reminded of the wind whisiing through knoi
hole in hen coop. lie touched his thumb.
aud thought ! was in an orchard listening to
the distant brayng of jackass. Now he ran
his fingers along the keys, aud thought of a
boy railing stick upon picket fence. An
of sudden he stopped, and thought some
thing had happened. Then down came both
fists, and oh, Lord such noise was never
Lizard before. thought hurricane had
struck the house, and the walls were caving in.
imagined ! was in the cellar, and ton ofeoa
was falling upon my head. thought the tina.
chine had burst when the Internal noise Stop
ped, and heard my wife calculate -'Exqui-
sile!' "What the duce is the mat,ert" The
answer was, "Why. dear, that's La Somnam-
bula :" "D--n Somnambula - thouoht
and the Count rolled up his sheet Of paper
lie calls 1t music; but for the life Of me, can't
make ii look like anything else than rail fence
with lot of juvenile nsgers climbing over il.
Before that Instrument Of torture came into the
house could enjoy myself but now every
darned woman in the neighborhood mus, be in
viied TO hear the new piano, and every time the
blasted Thing shreks out. like locomotive with
tho bronchitis, ] have to praise its tone. and
when the Invited guests are playing | have 10
say, Exquisite - Delightful, !" "Heayenlyi''
and all such trash, while, al the same time,
know jus, as much about music ms a blind cod
fish There arc more tuning hammers than
comforts in our house, and and wish the in
Venior OF the piano was troubled with per-
Peiual nightmare, and obliged to sleep ia one
OF his instruments all his life. As for myself.
! had rather put my head under tin pan and
DO diummed to sleep with pair If smoothing
irons than hear La SomnambulA. j." or any 9TH.
er La thumPed out Of piano. Scatter PEN
mes IN front OF my house, and draw together
all The wandering Ministries in the city-hand
organs, banjos, fddles, tambourines, rauling
bones and fish horns. Let juvenile MONKEYS
crawl in at my windows in search of three cen,
Pleces-let me be awakened at midnight by the /
cry Of murder Ting the fire bells and have
devil OF a tune generally--do all this, and |
VIII not complain bat Danish The pianos Nv
piano has got TO 60. am going to launch the
Internal machine out Of the window The frs,
dark night, and, my friends, | advise you 10
sleep with cotton IL your ears, or when she
gives her dying grunt you II think sou we fallen
out OF bed or fallen star has gone To roosl up-
on your housetop. For the information of
- y OunO Americo - ,.;tt