Weekly Indiana State sentinel. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1853-1861, 1856-10-02
DOesticks Hears a Popular Preacher.

turned gray with age and piety, clergym, n
used to take their texts FROM the Bible, and
preach peace AMI good will to men, women,
and little girls. Our old minister whose Sun
day sermon chastised my Saturdays apple
stealing, didn't take a gunpowder text, and,
under Aromatic Schnapps inspiration, preach
a howitzer and six-pounder sermon, having
submarine battery peroration, with a large
invoice of revolvers and bowie knives thrown
in by way of rhetorical grace. He used to
think his duty was to keep his people from
war and strife, and teach belligerent humans
not to pull off their coats for free fight
every time anybody trod on their corns.
But nowadays pastor must make SER
mons to draw biz houses, and we have STAR
sermonizers just as we have star actors, and
star performing dogs at the Museum. Our
city churches are built by joint stock congre-
cations, in order to speculate by selling the
pews-so the minister must fill the house
and run up the price of stock in the taber-
nacle, o. else he is not a good investment for
those careful christians who want to save
their souls and turn an honest penny at the
same time. Discusses on the ordinary du-
ties of man to his neighbor and his Maker
don't "draw," and hence we have sermons
on the Availability of the Devil - "Satan,
considered as gentleman;'' "Hell fire chem
ically analyZe and allow to make fire
proof garments for expiring sinners" and
various 9th subjects interesting to the COM
munity generally. They are advertised in
big letters in the morning papers, that the
minister may be popular, the house be filled,
the pews sell, and the speculations turn out
we'll.
Music, too, of the most excruciating, SCI
entific description, is employed to aid the
scheme-an orchestral organ, with full brass
band resources, is purchased, and gymnas-
tic organist, who can play with his fingers
and toes at the same time, is hired to play
selections from operas and popular concert
pieces to amuse the audience till the preach
ing commences. The choir is composed of
professional singers, generally engaged from
the various theatres, who give little scientific
concerts between the prayer and the sermon,
and who sing new-fangled hymns to elabo-
rate music, while the organist smuggles in
few bars from the most popular polkas, and
schottisches as interludes between the verses.
The congregation are respectfully solicited
not to join in the hymn, as they would dis
concert the opera singers, and prevent their
exhibiting enough vocal gymnastics to earn
their salaries.
Irecently attended the performance of the
Rev. Blood and thunder Screecher, who is re-
nowned for his prolonged shrieks for free
dom, disunion, free Kansas, runaway darkies,
Sharpe's rifles, bowie knives, bulldogs, and
a big muss generally. He breaches election
eering sermons, and it is said that he carries
his pocket full of Fremont ballots, and makes
his people take a vote on the Presidential
question every Sunday, to see that they are
all "sound on the goose" 1t is also asserted
that he spends his leisure hours firing at the
iron man in the shooting gallery, and in
throwing tomahawk at mark, occas' onally
varying these delightful occupations, by
taking boxing lessons, learning how to '.gouge"
Missouri, taking long drinks Of Aromatic
Schnapps between times.
Went to the church, which was arranged
like theatre, with the best places for those
who pay the most money. Instead of a pull
pit, there was stage for the ministers to per-
form on-people came in droves-seats were
soon full-then huge pyramid of stools in
one corner was attacked by six energetic and
determined sections, who speedily tore it to
pieces, anu SCdlIcItQ Inc ITd1fQ6nIS through
the aisles for folks to sit on.
Organist executed a grand Kansas battle.
piece in five sharps, with vocal limitations of
the shrieks of the settlers, and the curses of
the border ruhians Then the minister came
up through trap door like the harlequin in
the pantomime when the devil has got in
v;tation for him-he prayed a long prayer in
his overcoat-then he took off his overcoat
and read hymn, very quick metre, with a
very strong chorus-then he sat down on his
overcoat and read his letters.
The organist here made preparations to
gyrate, he rolled up his coat sleeves so as not
to interfere with his fingers-then he rolled
up his pantaloons, so as not to trouble his
toes then he unbuttoned his cravat, and
loosened his vest--st this instant very mus.
cular man disappeared from the ranks in the
gallery, vanished through cubby hole, and
was instantly lost in the anatomy of the or
gan-then there was great rafting in the
bowels thereof, as if it couldn't digest the
muscular man, but had great deal of wind
on its stomach.
This was the preparation.
Then the organist commenced violent
struggle with the keyboard, as if he regarded
the unfortunate organ as a fsticuff enemy
whom it would require his utmost strength
and dexterity to overcome-so he went in
be hammered him on the white keys, h(
belted him on the black ones, he punched
him in the semitones, he kicked him in the
double bass, he put in a series of running
ticks in his chromatic scale, he pelted him
in the flats, he battered him in the sharps, hs
/ tho hioh Eauc ha hif hin, IN
the low notes, then he grabbed both hands il
his octaves and shook him until he squealed
then he ferociously jerked out the stops OF
one side, as if he was pulling half his teetl
out of his head-then he savagely jammed il
those on the other, as if he was knocking tn,
rest of his grinders down bis throat-afte
three quarters of an hour, the left hand, whicl
had been doing manful service in the lowe
suburbs, began to fail, and sent for a rein
forcement, whereupon the right hlnd, afte
hitting the upper chord of G sharp furious
dig to keep it quiet in the interval, scamperet
to the rescue, only stopping by the way to be
stow upon the middle G a couple of punche
by way of reminder-then the player witt
both hands, both feet, and his knees, went a
the poor instrument and belabored him s,
numerically in the lower PIPES, that be los
his wind, and cried" enough" in roar o
agony. This was the prelude.
Then the singing commenced; the oper
folks stood up to earn their money |; the.
sang as if the musical scale had been grease,
on this occasion, and they were climbing 70
a pig on the top of it (; they would go up
note or two, and then slip back-each on
went one notch higher than the one befor
him, but fell back before he reached tn
prize, and his voice subsidized into discon
tented growl low down in his ribs. AT las
after five trials, each one of which ended i
an attenuated squcak-one female, with
mouth like hatchway, loosened her bonnie
strings, made desperate scream and went 5
high that she finally got firm hold of tn
oleaginous reward of merit, and bore it off i
triumph-then they all stopped.
This was the singing.
Then the muscular man came out of tn
bowels, with the perspiration dripping fror
coat tails-as he hadn't another suit handy
he sat down in the draught to dry.
h. Do1o