Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1856-04-14
EVENING STAR.
A SHORT PATENT SERMON.
BY DOW, JF

L will draw a melancholy discourse, thi.
morning from the following text
Laugh and grow fat"
My hearers-I have lately thrown my cosit-
ating apparatus considerably out of gear in
attempting to make out whether laughter pro-
duces fat, or a good layer Of the adispose pro-
notes laughter. The conclusion / have ar
rived at is, that laughter is, generally speak
ing, the spontaneous production Of an oleagin-
Gus soil, and has little or nothing to do toward
| adding augst to its richness. It is the natu-
| rally cOntented mind, my friends, that adds to
corporeal fatness; and when fatness is once
obtained, laughter takes root therein, and
branches out and blossoms like sun flowers on
the southern side of pig sIye. Take one of
your wo-begone, God forsaken hypocondriacs,
the whole Of whose self-manufsctured misery
seems to have crawled into his countenance,
the very cast Of whose mildewing eye is
enough to rub all the polish from a pair of
patent leather boots-let him possibly be cleo
| trifed into a cachinating paroxysm, long and
| loud, and no more fat will gather upon his
| ribs than honey dew upon the sapless rose
| leaves of an old maids bonnet. Why? Be
cause the maggots of melancholy that contin
ually prey upon his mind, are not to be frigh-
tened from their favorite repast by the most
startling guffaw that ever shook the quiet
realm Of cheerfulness. Take, too, one Of your
pale, wafer Tipped, weasel-vissged skinfints
| who INDUCES in moonshiny smiles at the re-
motest prospects of bargain. and who is
more redundant with smirks and bows than a
disowned California dog is of feas move him
| into fits of audible mirthfulness rs often as
you may, still he will be as slim as a shite-
poke fed upon hair snakes, if he were to live
| long enough to be the grand-dad Of all the
little Beelzebubs who may happen to be born
| somewhere about the middle of the next CEN
| tury.
Now, my brethren, behold yonder happy
mortal, with soul wrapped up in thick
| blanket of fat-with a knob plump and shin
| ing as a pumpkin in October-whose merry
| little optics twinkle like twin stars at the
| summit of Mount Diabolo-whose fair round
belly, with good capon lined" is an object Of
| envy to all walking shadows" that stalk tho
| earth All of his ideas swim, like pre-
| served sardines, in the richest and sweetest of
oil every expressed thought slides out sleek
| and greasy, and the whole tenor and tone of
| his voice are like the inner bark of slippery
| elm. His mind dwelt in such comfortable
| winter quarters, that he never feels happy
| and cheerful. He feels SO GOOD that laugh
| ter-nOt of your coarse, hcrse- fashioned kind,
but the fine, short-furred sort-peeps out,
ever and anon, from its fat fold, and causes
| every I" "varmint' Of care to take to his hole,
| like rats and goblins damned at the morning
| cock-crow.
| you suppose
| this laughter breeding human to the verge of
| obesity? 1t was net laughing either at stage
| or street forces; nor at the freaks and follies
| of a ridiculous works, nor at every new-fan-
| gled and odd fashion, that makes organ
| grinders monkeys almost grin themselves into
cOnvulsions; nor hyena-like at the most ridic
| ulous of legislative prcceedings-nor was it
| even at such comical preaching as mine. No,
! ii was the genial spirit of cOntentmcnt that
| ah ~
| whole system-fertilized his heart, and fur
| Iished good soil from which future sponta-
| neOus laughter was to spring, like the dande-
| lion and mushroom, after a gentle rain and
nurturing sun. He never drove pgeOn-eyed
peace from her domicil by sweating, fighting,
| and swearing for politics, nor wrangleI flesh
| from his bones in behalf Of orthodoxy, univer-
| salisn, atheism, nor any Of the vulgar isms Of
| the day-nor kept himself as lean as Pha-
| raoh's lousiest calf by chasing a hammered
| sixpence from San Diego to the Bay Of Kan
| schatka. By keeping in good fellowship
| with himself and his stonach-by maintain
| ing good humor-meddliug with no ones busi-
ness but his own-s1ercising patience at the
| htful blowing of adverse winds, aud bound
!: to be happy ichsther or no-he, at least, ac-
cumulated the adtpOSs if not a superabun-
dance of the " filthy and now mirth inspi-
| ring laughter will jerk itself out in defiance
| of morbid melancholy, sepulchral ministers,
! ominous doctors-aye, even the devil himself.
| My brethren: like to see smiling counte-
napces-faces wearing smiles that warm while
| they glow, instead of shedding a cold phos-
| phOrescent glare, like rotten wood or sinking
mackerel at midnight smiles tn at reflect none
of the borrowed light Of afectstion, for design
| or intrigue. also love to hear q respectable,
mild drawn, heart-bOrn laugh, when sum
| mOned by an appropriate occasion; but as
| for an inveterate, clOwnish haw having, horse
| eachinating habit, despise it. am ready to
howl at it, like dog at a fsh-horn blown
in his ear. Your spasmodic fits of loud laugh
ter, my friends, instead Of gathering an extra
coat of fat on your bones, is far more likely
to consume what little tallow may have been
permitted to cOnglOmerate in the region Of
your ribs. Excessive laughter, my needless
brethren, is moreover not unattended with
danger; you might possibly snap one of the
thousand strings, with which the harp of
the human system is strung-and then where |
would any more laugh come from! History
informs US if my memory doesn't trick me,
that TimOleon the younger killed himself
with laughter at seeing an ass eat hgs. SO, |
you see, he snapped his fddle-string, and |
laid down and died-like another jackass,
Take warning my incauticus brethren, and |
keep a taut rein upon your risible propensi |
ties for, in this comical age, far more dan |
gsrOus sights beset the inexperienced laugh |
ing philosophers than a donkey munching |
over a basket of figs. Some folks, of ticklisb, |
touchw wood dispositions, might jeopardise their |
lives to see you pitch into the ii o'clock |
free lunch, or mark With what ludicrous
avidity our public servants pick up and de
your the peoples money, like so many geese
at corn crib
Keep up good cheer, my dear friends, let
come what may come; live temporarily, that
good digestion may wait on appetite enden-
vor, by your own jolly good nature, to make
all happy around you, and You will stand a
good chance to grow fat-and then laugh
laugh your way down the gentle declivity Of
the tomb. "Die laughing" for aught l
care. So mote it be.
PRINrER's PRovERBs.-Neveri inquire thou
Of the Editor the news, fer behold il is his bu-
-. ~ .Lo int tirnn N rira II rn.n /