The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1856-10-04

their tert. ~ 10 piefTy ciergymen used to take
gooa viii to men won q. Ana IIsi sri. .Io o
uri.sss1 vnese Sunday sermon chssttsed nv Eas.
~. sppie stealing, didn't take e1,nno~,dar
presch ~ unoer Aromatic Echnapps Inspiration.
subms tirS hser - ana six FOUNDER sermon, having
voice - an battery peroration, with large In.
w.v % .svolvers and bowie knives thrown IN hv
d,,;y =. InetoracAl grace. He used 70 think III.
and 49,, va 70 Keep his people from war and striss'
coats e. SSonserens humans not to pull off their
their corns. ~ Hne any oody trod on
ar.s. u. how.a days parson must make ssrmons 70
org houses, and we have nstsr,, sarn,oa; =.
;nr 's. 90 we nave star actors and star perform
hu;,. ~ ~ .ne museum. Our city churches ars
ouIt oy joint stock congre cations IN ors- :. -
. specaiS,e al, by selling the pews-so the m;ns,ars ~
nu the house and run mp price Of stocl ;n ths
thosa Or else he is not good investment for
souls and turn an honns, VINO want to save their
discourse on the ordinary duties of man to his h;s
neighbor and his maker don't draw ana h.ans us
sS we nave sermons on the "Amiability Of the Devs
chsmc.liy I0ns,uetea ss gentleman" Helare
PROOF garments for expiring sinners" and q r;o,s
otner subjects interesting to the communitv rsr
eraly These are advertised in big letters in tho
morning papers, that the minister NAV be nonn'
tne mouse De hiied the pews SELL and the spec.
ulations turn out we'll say 10
Music too. of'the most excruciatine scien,;a.
description, is employed to aid the scheme-an
orchestral organ, with full brass band resources ia
purchased and gymuastic organist who can play
with his fingers and toes at the time is hired
to play selections from operas and popular concert
pieces to amuse the audience till the preaching
commence The choir is composed of professional
singers, generally engaged from the various thea.
tres, who give little scientific concerts between the
prayer and the sermon, and who sing new tangled
hymns to elaborate music, while the organist
smuggles in few bars from the most popular
polkas, and schottisches, interudes between the
verses. The congregation are respectfully solicit
ed not to join in the hymn, they would discon
cert the opera singers and prevent their exhibiting
enough vocal gymnastics to earn their salaries
recently attended the performance of the Rev.
Blood and Thunder Screecher, who is renowned for
prolonged shreks for freedom disunion free Kan
sas, runaway darkes, Sharpe's rifles, bowie knives,
bull dogs, and big muss generally. He breaches
electioneering sermons and it is said that he car
ries his pocket full of Fremont ballots, and makes
his people take a vote on the Presidential question
every Sunday, to see that they ars all Sound on
the goose" It's also asserted that he spends his
leisure hours firing at the iron in the shooting
gallery, and in throwing tomahawk at q mark
occasionally varying these delightful occupations
6y taking boxing lessons, learning how to .goHge"
Missouri, taking long drinks of Aromatic Schnapps
between times. s. f.rg - :.
Went to the church. which was arranged like a
theatre, with the best places for those who pay the
most money-instead of pulpit there was stage
tor the minister to perform on-people came in
-
mid of stools in the one corner was attacked by
six energetic and determined sextons who speed.
lily tore 1t to pieces, and scattered the fragments
through the aisles for folks to sit on.
Organst executed grand Kansas battlepiece in
FIVE sharps, with vocal limitations of the shrieks
of the settlers, and the curses of the border ruff
ans Then the minister came up through trap
door like the harlequin in the pantomime when the
devil has got invitation for him-he prayed long
prayer in his overcoat-then he took off his over
coat and read hymn, very quick metre, with
very strong chorus-then he sat down on his over
coat and read his letters
The organist here made prspa rations to gyrate
he rolled up his coat sleeves SO as not to interfere
with his fngers-then he rolled up his pantaloons,
80 as not to trouble his toes; then he unbuttoned
his cravat and loosened his vest--at this instant
a very muscular man disappeared from the ranks
in the gallery, vanished through cubby hole, and
then there was great rattng in the bowels there.
of, as if it couldn't digest The muscular man, but
had great deal of wind on its stomach.
This was the preparation.
Then the organist commenced violent struggle
with the key board, as If he regarded the unfor-
tunate organ as fsticuff enemy, whom it would
require his utmost strength and dexterity to over
he went in-he hammered him on the
white keys, he belted him on the black ones, he
punched him on the semitones, he kicked him on
the bass, he put in series of running licks in his
chromatic SCALE he pelted him in the fats, he bat
tered him in the sharps, smote him in the high keys
be hit him in the low notes. then he grabbed both
hands in his octaves and shook him until he squali.
ed; then he ferociously jerked out the stops on
one side, as if he was pulling half of his teeth out
of his head-then he savagely jamed in those on
the other as if he was knocking the rest of his
grinders down his throat-after three quarters of
an hour the left hand, which had been doing man.
full service in the lower suburbs, began to fail and
sent for reinforcement, whereupon the right
hand, after hitting the upper cord of G sharp
furious dig to keep it quiet in the interval scam
pered to the rescue, only stopping by the way to
bestow upon the middle G a couple of punches by
way of reminder-then the player with both
hands, both feet and his knees, went at the poor
instrument and belabored him 80 numerically in
the lower pipes that he lost his wind and cried
enough" in q roar OF agony 4
r This was the prelude. ~
Then the singing commenced; the opera folks
stood up to earn their money; they sang as if the
musical scale had been creased on this occasion,
and they climbing for pig on the top of it;
they would 60 up note or two, and then slip back
each one ent one notch higher than the one be-
fore him. but fell back before he reached the prize
and his voice subsidized into discontented grewi
low down in his ribs At last, after five trials each
one Of which ended in an attenuated squeak, one
female, with a mouth like hatchway, loosened
her bonnet strings, made desperate scream, and
went so high that she finally got firm hold Of the
oleginous reward of merit, and bore it of in tri
umph-then they all stopped.
1his was the singing.
Then the muscular man came out of the bowels
with the perspiration dripping from his coat tails
as he hadn't another suit handy, he sat down in the
draught to dry.
This was the finale. asag* fe
Here the minister read a number of gratis edyer-
tissments for concerts and twenty FIVE cent pic MICS
then there was a single-handed combat between
the organist and his old enemy, and some more
creased pig vocazstion by the thousand dollar choir
after which the Star" preacher began TO perform in
earnesthe read text and stuck to the subject for
fifteen minutes giving his hearers '.tsn about thsir
shortcomings when the plate s passed-then he gave
glowing description of the joys of Paradise and by
his eloquent words had got far into the spirit
land that could almost hear the departed spirits
blow their noses when suddenly he short his high
flown piety and began to talk politics and general
news he spoke of the state OF the stock markets
gave notice of the patent ballot box review OF
the ging prospects of Frement the value of
Sbarpes rifles, and the retail price Of Schiedam
schnapps Then he gave wirh great gusto, delight
full sccount of some imaginary pleasant transactions in
kansas wherein couple ofmen were roasted alive in
log cabin while their wives were compelled BY the
axnisbe Border Rufians TO superintend the coske-
cry. Then he made very good jokes, at which the
people laughed; then said something about the
sUnien,n which they appiauded; should have sup
posed myself in d ratification meeting. II the men
mt ali their hats eff and there hadn't been 20
many women that their bennets looked like cherry
orchard-scon he put in word about "Buccsneers
and .sBleck Republicans" / thought then was In
political meeting, sure and expected every minute to
hear No 5s boyu come down with three times three