Republican vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1857, 1856-12-06
Westward HO !!

An ague-stricken hypocondriac, who has
been on trip out this way, thus answers
some questions, in a letter to the Saturday
Evening Post: f.ir#e
L. The first question comes from Cambridge
tori, Mass, and reads as follows: (Which
IS tie best time for going West, the Spring
|or. Autumn 3" q
The best time forrFigsoidg West is when you
have the most money about you, and the
least fear Ct losing it, If you come in the
Spring, you are sure to shake yourself to
death before Fall. If you, come.in the Fall,
you live until Spring, If you don't freeze to
death before you get there. If you come at
all you had better get your stomach lined
With waterproof cement, so as to be able to
digest corn bread, bacon and whskey /; for
this is all we have to eat, except few
French hogs, and bilious looking tadpoles.
which we catch when the river runs down.
Second qaestion--s'Wh hat part of the West
is the best to emigfate to, taking into con-
sideration the hcalthiness of the climate =
A variety of opinions about that, my dear
fellow.,n Dur Serator,- Mr.. Douglas, says
Nebraska is the best: So tits, if you want
to go into TIE stock business, raising an un-
ruly kind of mixed cattle that will stray off
to Canada, in spite of the compromise of
1850 or 1926, or Senator Douglas. Or, if
you want to speculate in papooses, white
scalps, Ind get your own scalp taken off sci
entifcally, 90 to Nebraska, by all means
If you want to play poker for living, aud
set up whiskey drinking fora business, live
on corn bread and bacon week days. aud
Co. Jo-,o
nois. If you want to 60 where they have
no Sundays nor any thing to eat. only what
they brought from the East, go to Iowa or
If you want to 60 to grass on all tours, and
do as other kinds of cattle do, go to Salt
Lake. t..s. :, T.
If 20 Wantto. 60 where they receive the
mail annually, uhere they live on wild cram
berries crumbled in water from the Missis-
sipi river, where three wgwams make city.
and paper of pins and bar of Yankee
soap make a merchant--go to Minnesota.
Third question: Does the fever and
ague prevail much in Wisconsin ?' "a
OF course it does. Nobody out West IS
fool enough to ask such question Every
body shakes even the trees shake, you
can't coax a plum to stay on when it is good
for anything. twill shake a man out of bed.
kick him out of doozs, and shake the bed
stead at him till he gives it up. Il.
Fourth question:. How long does pre-
emption hold good %
That depends on circumstances. If you
have coed rife, and know how to use it.
you have o onance 90 tensthat you may live
until you starye to death. But ifyeu can,
stand fire. and are not good shot. and
quick one, take my word for ii, you had bet.
ter stay in ,Tericho until your beard be
grown; they are al too smart for YOU in
these woods
Fifth question--"Is the Land to be had
IN the northwest part of Ohio for 81 20 PEI,
acre and is it good z"
That's all fudge, got up by some specuia-.
tors to gull some greenhorn like you or me.
for the best of my knowledge and belief,
Ohio was worn out ten years ago. The whole
business of the railroads in warm weather,
is to carry bgek persons who have been fools
enough to come West. III tire railroads are
doing this winter Ia carrying dirt into Ohio
out Of Michigan to raise a few beans and
oats, to keep The folks from starving to death
next summcr.
As t6the land in tile northwest of Ohio,
it is eighteen inches nnder water most of the
year, and F7ill probably be worth 81 25 per
acre when water snakes and copper heads
bring as much per barrel in New York mar
kets as potatoes are worth per bushel in
| Alton. ~
And lastly he wants reliable information
"a short article in your paper relating tc
the subject-and he wants to go to heal
thy location decent land, and fair water
Exactly Wig my dear sir, there is nc
such thing q reliable information out West,
unless you pay veil for it. A lawyer won't
tell the TRUTH unless 20 give him $500. and
then you CART Believe half he says.
A witness won't tell the truth in court
unless you first scare him to death, and make
him swear he won't lie, and neither himself
nor anybody else knows whether he tells the
truth or not. ! y7b.N t,
On the whole, if you feel obliged by our
'tshort article" so do 1. If you want to 60
to healthy land stay at home, and don't be .
a fool like myself and come out West. And
as for decent land, my dear fellow, what do
you mean? You must know that our Wild
prairie is very indecent, especially when ii >.
is burnt over and left as naked as it was
born. IT'S true nature yeayes asort of fig
leaf apron every summer, cat of a coarse
kind of grass, but it soo2 gets burnt on, and
is as indecent as ever.
| As for fair water, we have none it is all
I bilious compost of liquid mud dead buiia-
Ices, fish and rotten rattlesnakes - r.,s
Our common drink, when we can't get
whiskey, is one-third coffee, one-thrd prai-
RE mud, and tobacco juice. ;rj...,.a... .
Upon She wke1ey If You have good water.
and een So enough to eat, stay where you
iafe, Yours Truly, w.