The Abbeville banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1847-1869, 1856-07-31
VOL. XIIE..............,..vNO. Is.
GOING WEST.


Evening Post, for the benefit of those desi-
ro''s Of going West:
"Ehe first question comes from Cambrilrc-
port, Massachusetts, and reads ~ follows:
(which is the best time for going West,
the spring or autumn p
"Tl,e best time for going West is when
you have the most money about, and the
least fear CT losing it: If you come in tho
spring yoH are sure to Shake Yourself to-
death with rlle ague before fall. If yom
come in the fail you may live until
spring, if you don't freeze to death before
you get there. If you come ut all, YOU
had better get your stomach lined witlz
waterproof cement, 80 as to he able to d.
gest corn bread, bacon and whisky, for this
we all have to cat, except few French
frogs and bilious looking tadpoles, wlicla
we catch whcm the river runs down.
"Second question: What part Of tho
West IS the best to cmigrate to- taking into
consideration the healthsulness of the eli.
mate'
"a variety of opinions olont tl,at, my
dear fellow. Our Senator, Mr. Douglass,
says Nebraska is the best. So it is, if yow
want to go into the stock business, raising
an unrulv kind of mixed co!ored cattle, that
will stray off to Canada, in spite of tho
Compromise Of 1850 or 1920, or Senator
douglass. Or if you want to speculate i'm
pappoos"s, white scalps, and get your OWN
scalp taken of scientifically, 60 to Nebraska,
by all means. II yon want to play poker
for living, and set up whisky driulcne
for q business, live on corn bread and ba-
con week days, and slippery elm barlc and
tadpolcs OH Sundays, come to Illinois. IF
you want to go where they don't have no
Sundays nor nothing to cat, only what they
bring from the east, SO to Iowa; or II vou
want to so on all foum, and do as other
kinds Of cattle do, go to Salt Lake:
"Third question: Does the fever and
ague prevail much in Wisconsin Z?
"Of course it docs. Nobody out West
is fool enough to ask such a question:
Everybody shakes; even the trees shalcc :
you cunt coax a craL-applc to stay on when
its good for anything; it will sl;.ke man
out of bed, kiclc him o,it Of doors. and
shake the bcdstcad at himr until lie oivc,.
up.
"Fourt! question: How long does a
prc-emption hold goodr
That depends on circumstances. nvou
have good rifle, and know how to use it,
you have a chance to ten that yo,i NAV
live till YOU starvc 10 death. But If YOU
can't stand fire, and are not good shot
and quick one, take my word for II, yo,l
had better tarry i'll Jerrico until Your beard
he grown they are NIL too SMART for YOU
i'll that neck Of woods.
"Fiftl question: Is land to be lad in
tho northern part of Ohio for 81 os per
acre, and is it goodp
"Thats alI fudge, got uphy SPECTATORS
to gull some grecnllorn like You or ME, for
the best of my knowledge or belief, Ohio,
was worn out ten years ago. Tie Whole
business of the railroads in warm weather.
Is to carry back persons who have been
fool enough to come out West. All tbs
railroads arc doing this winter, is CARRYING
dirt into Ohio out of Michigan, to raise ~
few beans and oats, to keep the people from
starving next summer.
"As to land in the northwest of OI,io..
it is eighteen, inches under water most of
the year. aid will probably be worth 81 25'
per acre whom water-snakes and copper
heads bring as much per barrel in New
York markets as potatoes are worth per
bushel in Alton.
And lastly, lie wants reliable information
"a short article in your paper relating to,
the sulject-and lie wants to TO to- ~
healthy location, decent land; and fair Wa
ter.
"Exactly! Why, my dear sir, there isno
such thing as reliable information out West,
unless you pay well for it; A lawyer woh's
tell the truth unless you give him FIVE hun:
dred dollars, and then YOU can't believe
half he says.
"A witness won't tell tile truth in court
unless you first scare him 70 death, ain,l
make linn swear he won't lie,. and then.
neither himself nor anybody else, Knows
whether he tells the truth or not. The
preachers all call liz aii, iinseterate. set oe
sinners, but from what 7 have written you.
you must know we are pretty good .pf
people: : ~
"If you nsk miss Of stout blooming
sixteen for kiss, she pettislly says no.
when every body knows she smesHs yes; Of
course. i@ - sef .. S. -. 80 -
.t0at the whole, Il you seei obliged 66sx
our short article, 50 do /. Iftyoa want 81
go to.a healthy land, stay as .honse.s ami
don't be y fool HIe myself aad cors,s sont
West. And :as for decent lind ,;nay DEAF
fslloWs, what do you sAsau 1lif, q.