Cooper's Clarksburg register. [volume] (Clarksburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1851-1861, 1856-03-07


"a otsoig' Orphan.
!" Rise from thy scorching den, thou soul of
Rankings Rebellion.
Mn. ED1roR:
Tat haveethe Tdisagreeable task of again
exhuming from the dust of obscurity the,
noisome carcass of Philip Former 0rihIfeld.
Rise, them thou Ahideous skeleton, reek-
ing with the foul aud .noxious Eapors4of
the dank Plntonian shores of thy exis7
tence. and dispense thy moist fayors to the
offended nostrils Of high Heaven. while
expose, thy o,.trs shape to the ken of NOR
tai vision szissraE Esss nefla syas
\ Every evidence Of the weight attached
to the printed ,utterance Of opinion is eaS
gefly, scrutihized BY the public, and forms
a peculiar gratifying bofns to the Chronic
self.complacency Of the editorial corps.
Therefore propose, as the thesis of this
slightly -pondered but not ponderous essay
to consider in some Gifts most salient as.
poets. the SUPREMACY over public affairs
in this country exercised by one solitary
member of the Know Nothing press in
this, the self. dubbed % lone Star" district
Of the State. Er uho disco onlnes -
The paper 1 select is the 4gs of Pro.
gress, partly published and edited by the
individual whose name disgraces the head
of this article, and who has. generously
consecrated to the Know Nothing service
that genius which he does not hesitate TO
confess he finds to be his principal ingre.
dent.
The editor OF the '' Age of Pro9ress"-
or. as for euphony and briefness 1 will.
call him the progressive editor-presents
in his person a beautiful {! illustration Of
the foresight with which kind nature has
adapted special instrument to every Sc
parate end. Not only mentally but ply
sically, as WELL his organization enables
and compels him to look on both sides of
a subject at one and the same moment
And as there is silver lining TO every
cloud, aud golden one to great many
and as he can always see both sides,
and has singularly strong partially for
the aurilerous appearance--whatw wonder,
| ask, that he occasionally presents to the
public in all the gorgeous drapery OF
euphuistic phrase, a subject or fact,
which. to their partial vision, has all the
blackness, all the horror of an impending
thunderstorm? And as. moreover, eve
~ golden cloud must have sunless
gloom upon its outer side, what wonder,
| again inquire, that the same doubles
/ sighted, double minded censor should not
unfrequenuy attempt to darken and be-
foul what seems most bright and most
suspicious to the single-sighted, aud sins
gle minded observer? Add to this du!
| plicating obliquity Of vision, that his skin
hns the toughness and insensibility requi>
site to the passive part of his profession,
and that his jaws, being provided with
high check bones. offer every desirable
facility to those who who would make
him, noIens votens, swallow his own libels
and we must cease to wonder at the
very questionable eminepce to which
these qualities have raised him. With
the hide of a rhinoceros, an epidermis
made thick by repeated and severe fagel-
lations. the vision of a squirting wolf, and
the swallow Of hungry anaconda, what
needs he but a pair Of horns to realize the
dream of the Apocalypse ? So much for
the exterior and mere physical adaptiuns
of the gentleman " towhose gemi6s and
urbanity dedicate this'Grst-rnte notice. !"
will now speak of the influence he
yields, and the policy by which he yields
it. shalikewise embellish my discourse
by some glowing examples of the pro
gressve editors chastity. virtue. and We
racity. and will endeaVor to show off his
good "parts, par ls bel endrol.
And first, as to his influence rs i'm
naense! 1t must be immense. for he con-
fessess it himself ! His employers are
proud Of this correspondents exult in
this paper folders fall into an ecs tatic
trance whenever it is alluded to-and the
ragged little carrier. as with condor lungs
he bellows Z" 'ere's your A.g-e.!" assumes
all the appearances and characteristics OF
delirious pride. His circulation, he as.
sures US. ought to be immense and on
ach successive sheet Of each edition, and
in every issue, there is Boosting psra>
graph referring to his enormous indu-
ence ]" Ask any Of those nameless quacks
who advertise mysterious cures of all I'M
mentionable maladies inquire of any
neurological astrologer, or septi-6lial for
tune-teller ask all the humbugs of the
cage - ask Gilpin, Brandreth, Profess
or Holloway, or Pelham. the great foun-
der of panoramic>lotteries; ask all or
any Of these what publication Ethcy con~
slider most likely to attract the notice Of
the disreputable class whose patronage
they respectively solicit; aud can there
be doubt but that the Age Of Progress
will be their verdict and7thcir choice? AS
for the editor, more suits have been
brought against him for coming false mo-
neys cut Of that crucible called DEBT, more
enraSeI canes laid across his lacerated
launches, more savage and obnoxious
epithets applied 20 him. than ever before
fell to the lot of any more aspiring publ
cist. The influence he yields is, there
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