The North-Carolinian. [volume] (Fayetteville [N.C.]) 1839-1861, 1856-04-12
From the San Francisco G0/dtn Era.
4 Short Patent Sermon.


| morning from the following text:
Laugh and grow fat"
My Hcarers:-I have lately thrown my
IroSitatins apparatus considerably out of gear
IN attempting to make out whether laughte
produces tat, Or IL good layer of the adiposc
promotes laughter. The conclusion l have
arrived ut is, that laughter is, generally speak
my the spontaneous production of an oleagln-
! Gus soil, and has little nothing to do towards
adding anght 10 its richness. 1t is the naturally
contcnted mind my friends, that tends to
porca fatness; and when fatncss is OBJ
ained laughter takes root therein and branches
S" z 2sr21S s ss z1rs1s dns OF or vdnr nT
wo-hcgonc, God-forsakcn hypochondriacs--the
whole OF whose seifnanufactured misery seems
to have crawled into his CONFERENCE.-The very
east OF whose mildcwing eye is enough to rub
all the polish from pair of patentleather
bootS-let him possibly be electrified into u
cachinating par oxysm, long and loud and no
more fat will gather upon his ribs than honey
dew upon the saple>s role-eaveS of an old maids
bonnet. Why? Because the maggots of mel
anchoIy that continually prey upon his mind
are not to be frightened from their favoritc
repast by the most startling guifaw that ever
shook the quiet realms of Checrfnlness. Take
too one of your pale, wafcr-Hpped, weasel
viSagcd skin-flints, who ndugcs in moonshny
smiles at the rcnlotest prospect of a bargain,
and who is more redundant of smirks and bows
than Il disowned California dog is of Acas-
move him into fits of audible mirthfuIness as
often as you may, still he will be slim as
shtcpokc fed upon hair-snakes, if he were to
live long enough to he the yrand-uad of the
little Beclzcbnbs that may happen to be born
somewhere about the middle Of the next cen
tury.
Now, my brethren, behold wonder happy
mortal. with soul wrapped up in a thick
blanket of fAt-with knob plump and shining
as pumpkin in October-whose merry little
optics twinkle like twin stars at the summit of
Mount Diabolo-whose "fair round belly, with
good capon lined" is an object OF envy to all
walking shadows" that stalk the earth All
his ideas swim, like preserved sardincs, in the
richest and sweetest of oil; every expressed
thought slides out sleek and greasy, and the
whole tenor and tone of his voice arc like the
inner bark of slippery elm His mind dwclls
III snch comfortable winter quarters that he
never feels otherwise than happy and cheerful
lie feels so good that iauyhter-not of your
coarse, horSc-f.shioncd kind, but the lne short
furred sort--peeps out, ever and anon, from its
fat fold, and causes every ''varmint' to take to
It's hole, like rats and goblins damned at the
morning .ooA-eror.
What, my friends, do you suppose brought
this laughtcr-brcedin~ human to the verge of
obesity: 1t was not laughing at either stage
or street farces; nor at the freaks and folIcs Of
ridiculous world; nor at every ncw-fanrled
and odd fashion, that makes organ grinders
monkeys almost grin themselves into conyul-
SionS; nor lyena-like, at the most ridiculous of
legislative rroceedin"s-nor was it even at
such comical preaching as mine. No. it was
the genial spirit of cOntentmcnt that tlfiScd IL
cheering warmth throughout his whole system
fortified his heart, and furnished a good soil
from which future spontaneous laughter was to
spring, like the dandelion and mushroom after
gentle rain and nurturing sun. He never
drove pgcon-eyed peace from her domicil by
sweating, fighting aud swearing for politics.
nor wranglcd flesh from his bones in behalf Of
orthodoxy, universalism atheism nor any of
the vulgar iSms of the dav-nOr kept himself
as lean Pl,arao,'s lousicst calf by chasing {.
hammered Sixpence from San Diego 10 the Bay
Of kamscatka B: keeping in good fellowship
with himself and his stomach-by maintaining
good humor-metldling with ones business
but his own-eNercsing patience at the fitfu
blowing of adverse winds, and bound to be
happy whether or no--he, at last accumulated
the adlposc, if not superabundance Of the
'llthy;' and now mirth inspiring laughter viii
jerk itself out, in defiance of morbid mclan-
choly, sepuchral minister's omnous Doctors
aye, even the ID himself
My brethren: / like to see smiling counte-
nanccs-faccs wearing smiles that while
they glow, instead of shedding a colo phos-
plOrcscent glare, like rotten wood or sinking
mackcrel at midnig ght-smiles that reflect
of the borrowed light of aifcctation, for design
ntr que. / also love to hear respectable
withdrawn. hcart-born laugh, when summoned
by an appropriate occasion bnt for an in
vcteratc, cownish haw-hawing, horse cachina-
ting habit, | despse tam ready to howl at it
like ii dog at Il fisl-lorn blown in his ear. Your
spasmodc fits Of loud laughter my friends, in
stead of gathering extra coat of fat upon
your bones is far more likely to consume what
little tallow may have been permitted to con
goncrate in the region Of yonr ribs. Exccs-
sive laughter, my needless brethren, is more
over not unattended with danger: you might
possibly snap one Of the Thousand strings with
which the harp Of the human system is strung
and then where would any more laugh come
from? History informs u<, if memory doesn't
tr; < me, that Timoleon the younger, Killed
himself with laughter at seeing an eat figs.
SO, you see, he snapped. his fddle-string. and
laid down and dicd--Ekc another jackassl
Take warning. my incaHtious brethren. and
keep !. tant rein npon yonr risbe propensitcs;
for, in this comcal age. far dangerous
sights beset the inexperienced laughing phoso-
phcr than donkey munching basket Of
figs. Some folks, Of ticklsh tonch-w ood dis
positions, might jcopardse their lives to see
YOU pitch into the eleven O'Clock free-lunch or
mark with what ludcrous avidity our public
servants pick up and dcvour' the peoples
moncy-likc so many geese ut corn-crib
Keep up good cheer, my friends, let
what may come: live tempcrately, that good
digestion may wait appetite; endeayor, by
your own jolly good nature. to make all happy
around you and Won will stand a good chance