Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1856-02-08
EVENING STAR.
DYING ADVICE OF HON. MR. sMIRK.


Sammy, L am dying-st the age Of fifty
Eve wish you to pay strict attention to my
| dying advice!'
'"Father, L will''
"And l wish you to follow my advice after
! am dead"
"I will, father"
Sammy, the neighbors and all my friends
tell me L haven't an enemy in the world, and
| L believe L haven't. L want you to under
stand why 1 haven't. It's all owing to poll
| cy, Sam; policy, and nothing shorter. When
L was of your age, my boy, L was as poor as a
broken down village horse, turned out to die.
Age has at last broken me down, but amt
| poor, thank policy! Follow my example, and
you will become richer by far than your
father, Sammy, and die without an enemy, as
| do"
Samuel wept, as in duty bound, but grief
and his handkerchief choked his utterance, so
| he said nothing
"lt has always been my policy" resumed
| the dying Smirk, @ to avoid giving offence to
any one. No matter what people said or did
to me--Or any one else-right or wrong-I
have always endeavOred to forbear and sub
| NIT, wherever L could to be calm and eau
tiOus on all occasions, and to avoid the exhi-
bition of any sign of resentment. By long
| experience in this course L have found that
| by persevering to agree with everybody, skill.
| fully, is sure eventual guide to universal
| popularity"
g, But have you never had any difficulty
with any one 20
Not since 1 was twenty: :One," said the
dying man, gasping for Ibre ath. " Reach me
| little more water, and wet my lips. They
are too parched to speak plain. There, there, .
| he added as his son obeyed him, 4" that will
| do, and you shall be initiated into my inva-
riable and invaluable policy Be deferential,
Sam, deferential, and control your temper,
and fatter whenever you get a chance-haye
| a bow, and a smile, and word, and shake
of the hand for everybody-mark for every
body-and then you will get along"
I?p
"Friendly humph be frtendkv to no.
HOdy-seem so. Villains they compose two
thirds Of the community, and are the most in
fuential. AS for the other third, though it
is we'll enough to keep their good opinion,
they are only subordinate agents in the build
ing up of man. But don't get afronted
with them. Oh, no, Sam; never do that
Never kick dog unless you are sure he has
not any owner, then kick away, if you like"
Though his father was dying Samuel could
not help smiling at this language.
That's right, said the elder Smirk ssI
like that. Smile again, Sam; smile again.
be careful youuOn't smile at the wrong time
A smile is a powerful weapon, but it must be
used with judgment"
"DO you know, Sam, why L was always
such favOrite with the wOmen?''
"No, father"
81 was always careful, in the first place, to
feel my way with the women; took care to un-
derstand their characters, their sentiments,
their particular vanities and hobbies; keeping
my own ideas in the back ground, until
could coincide with theirs. | always took
care never to speak disrespectfully of the sex.
L never, in the presence of a woman, called a
woman woman or a female had but
one name-ladies-for all the feminine gen.
der"
4" How did you do when they differed, and
asked your opinion ."
81 would agree with one, and at the same
time wink at the others silly, as much as to
say It's all humbug what / am saying If
a woman was ugly, I'd praise her intellect
If she didn' I know anything, I'd praise her
virtue. In this way l seldom missed the
mark; for it Is very seldom that you find
woman that is ugly, immoral, and fool in
the bargain. In fact, il is hard TO find any
body who hasn't some good point, or who isn't
susceptible to hattery in some way or other;
and man must be fool, who, determined to
Halter, and make his fattery acceptable, can't
seize hold Of some merit, in mind, heart, form
or face of the person he wishes to please, and
feigning to admire it, make that person friend
ly."
" Must be stingy, or liberal?"
"0h, be liberal-be liberal, by all means,
said the dying man with a ghastly smile
that is, in sentiment. Whenever generous
deed is done, eIalt it to the skies. Always
praise generous people. Clap your hands for
philanthropy, and then clap them in your
pocket and keep them there"
"Suppose beggar asks aims Of me, or am
| called on to contribute to some charitable OBJ
ject?"
"If any person begs, say certainly, my
poor woman, or my man, or my child, and
then quickly feel in your pockets. You will
fnd no money, Of course; but you must say,
with sigh, and tear in your eye, if you can
scare up one, I'm really ashamed to own it,
but. unfortunately, l haven't a cent about
me- If you don't get God bless you for
that, IN mistaken. never found it to fail. 4"
But subscription ~
"Read the paper, praise the object, but say
that you have just subscribed for more than
you could afford, for another object of simi
lar nature. If the applicant believes by this
that you are in charitable line, he will let
you of, whereas, if you refused out and out,
without an explanation, he might abuse you
behind your back. I have made myself
great reputation for benevolence merely by re-
fusing to subscribe in this way. This is a
queer world, Sam"
Here the old man was seized with violent
fit of coughing, which nearly took him out of
this queer world.
& [ fear, father, that talking so much will
be fatal to you" said Samuel.
"NO, no. resumed his father, :" I'm de-
termined not to die till get through. AS L
was saying, Sammy, this is queer world,
and you can get along in it without reli-
gion."
Without what" exclaimed his son, in
amazement. He had never mentioned reli-
gion before in his life.
without religion. Hire pew, by all
means. Talk religion Occasionally-you can
get the hang of it. Protestant practice
when you are obliged to. But, at any rate,
profess it helps fellow along in business.
got some of the most profitable customers and
best friends by protesting religion. Pew rent
is no object when you come to think of that"
" But if you belong to church you will
have to defend its doctrines; and religions
controversies create enmity, don't they ?S
" Sometimes. But whenever L found that
| was getting into trouble on account of NV
religion, was always careful to yield a point
or two, smile in Christianlike way, and then