Bradford reporter. [volume] (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, 1856-11-27
A San Francisco Auctioneer.

Inc reporter OF Inc Odn FrdacescO Neps
furnishes that paper with the following report
of speech made by California auctioneer
Ladies and gentlemen, now have the ho
nor Of putting up fine pocket handkerchief,
yard wide, yard long, and almost yard
thick one-half cotton, and t'other half cot
ton, too beautifully printed with stars and
stripes on one side, and the stripes and stars
on t'other It will wipe dust from the eyes
SO completely as to be death TO- denagogues,
and make politics as bad a business as printing
papers Its great length, breadth, and thick
ness, together with its dark color, will enable
it TO hide dirt, and never need washing Go
ing at one dollar ?-seventy-6ye cents Fifty
cents twenty five cents ?-one bit ? No
body wants it oh thank You sir !
Next, gcmLemcn-for the ladies won't be
permitted to- bid on this ARTICLES real, 81
mon-pure tempered, highly polished, keen edg-
ed Sheffield razor bran spankin new never
opened before to sunlight, moonlight, star
light, daylight, or gas-light sharp enough
to shave a lawyer or cut disagreeabie acquan-
tance or poor relation handle of buck-horn !;
with all the rivcts bnt the two at the ends of
pure gold. Who will give two dollars? one
dollar half dollar? Why, We long beard
Gu, -ldCtu WlLH FOOW Ou
your phizzes for Chinese womanto kiss, Pm
offering you a bargain at half dollar Well
/ will throw in this strop at half dollar =
razor and strop-a recent patent two rubs
upon it will sharpen the city attorney and all
for four bits and piece of soap-sweeter
than roses, lathers better than schoolmaster
and strong enough to wash out all the stains
from California politicians countenance, and
all for four bits | Why, you have only to put
the razor-strop and soap under your pillow at
night to wake up in the morning clean shaved
Won't anybody give two bits, then, for the
lot knew | would sell 'em
Next, ladies and gentlemen, | offer three
pairs socks, hose. stockings, or half-hose, Just
as you're mind to call them, knit by ma
chine made on purpose, out OF cotton WOOL
The man that buys these will be enabled to
walk till he gets tired and, provided his boots
are high enough, needn't have any corns the
legs are as long as bills against the corporation,
and as thick as the heads of the members of
the legislature Who wants em at one half
dollar? Thank-ee, madam, the money.
Next, l offer You pair of boots made
especially for San Francisco, with heels long
enough to raise man up to the Hoadley
grades, and nails to insure against being car
ried over by land slide legs wide enough to
carry two revolvers and bowie knife, and the
uppers of the very best horse leather A man
in these boots can move about as easy as the
State capitol. Who says twenty dollars All
the taxpayers ought to buy pair to kick the
council with !; everybody ought to have pair
to kick the legislature with and they will be
found of assistance in kicking the bucket, es-
pccally if somebody should kick at being kick
ed. Ten dollars for legs, uppers, and soles
while souls, and miserable souls at that, are
bringing twenty thousand dollars in Sacramen-
to Ten dollars ten dollars Gone at ten
dollars -
" Next is something that you ought to have,
gentlemen, lot of good gallowses- sometimes
called suspenders. | know that some of you
will after awhile be furnished at the States ex-
pense, but you can't tell which one, so buy
where they're cheap. All that deserve hang
ing are not supplied with a gallows if so,
there would be nobody to make laws, condemn
criminals, or hang culprits until new election.
Made of pure gum-eastc-stretchl like judge's
conscience, and last as long as California
ofice-holder will steal buckles of pure iron,
and warranted to hold so tight that no mans
wife can rob him of the breecheS are in
short as strong, as good as perfect, as effec
tual, and as bona fde as the ordinance against
Chinese shops on Dupont street-Sone at twen-
ty-6ve cents"