Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1856-10-25
THE SNEAK FAMILY.


The Sneaks are an ancient and numerous
race. Their genealogy is lost among the myths
and traditions that were swept away BY the
flood. Their fortunes have been various. Their
course through the world has been marked BY
great windings and changes. According to a
class Of naturalisis, all humanity has come up
from chaos through successive layers of mud.
and higher geological formations, to the lowest
form of animal existence, finally cropping out
in the form OF the upright biped called man.
Now If this be trie, the Sneak race must, as
yet, but just have emerged through The snake
Up 10 the toad. and SO upward to the spaniel,
and finally 10 the men who now represent the
family honor Indeed, were we learned in an
cient languages, and capable of tracing words
back to their derivative roots, we should Try 10
show that Sneak and Snake have family like
ness.
The present head Of the Sneak family, the
federal head, or Adam (s) is Rev. Swivel
Sneak, distinguished national clergyman
He showed his affinity with the family, that he
was DOmby Of the DOmbys, or Sneak of the
Sneaks, when quite young. At school he was
called fag, and was generally found to be the
humble servant Of the strongest party among
the boys. In college he pursued much the
same course. He was iyrant TO the younger
and weaker students, but pack horse for all
the rest. But when he received clerical orders
be seemed TO have reached just the field for his
powers.
His first sermon was from the text "Sioop
to Conquer" in which he went on to prove
that the way to convert the world was to preach
against its little and unpopular sins and let its
great ones alone. He coniended that outward
sins were not 10 be denounced but that il was
the business of minister to slip up to the blind
side Of a huge sinner, under the cover of fiat
terry and slip the Gospel into his heart withou,
ever alarming his prejudices. Thiswas espec-
tally the way TO deal with the great. The vices
of poor folks yon might denounce in thunder
tones. The fellow that could not pay dollar
to the clergy could be sent to hell for any little
peccadillo, but the man with fortune, the Judge
or the Squire, or the member of Congress is
very different case. He must be approached
differently Over his sins the mantle Of char
iiy must be thrown. Mr. Sneak never breaches
politics. His principle in preaching is 10 talk
out his hour and offend nobody. The most
talk with the fewest hits, is his problem, unless
his hits are aimed at the Hittes or his denun-
Citations are against the Pharsees and the Sadu-
Gees and the Pope. All the friends of the
Pharisees are dead or poor, and SO Mr. Sneak
can preach at them. Blu, il he breaches poll
tics somebody will be hit, for there are oppos-
ing parties in the church.
Mr. Swivel Sneak would preach politics, if
he thought the people were ready, but don't
think they are. Convince him that the people
go for the Maine Law, and so goes he. But
If they are not ready for it, neither is he-
When the people become abollioniss, then Mr.
Sneak will prove that he has always been an
abolitionist. Anything that is fashionable is
orthodox with Mr. Sneak. He had in his con-
gregation a wild girl, that went forth into the
green and 6owery meadow, On Sunday, after
strawberries and wild flowers. Mr. Sneak was
horrifed. He visited her parents and preached
| to them and their child on the awful sin of an
hour. He mentioned the case in prayer last
Sunday In his congregation there is Judge
that holds the legality Of slavery, and supports
the government in kidnapping just such girls as
this, only differing in color, and Mr. Swivel
Sneak is too holy to interfere with the Judges
! position, One Of the holiest men in his church
is Deacon Good But Deacon Good would not
have his baby sprinkled, and Mr. Sneak preach
ed four sermons on the covenant" in which
he proved that parents who did not have their
offspring sprinkled would 60 to hell, children
and all, however good they were in works.
Col. Legree Of louisiana, was present and nod
ded assent to these sermons, and went home 10
dinner with Mr. Sneak. The Col. is rich
planter and steals from their mothers dozen
babies every year, Mr. Sneak regards him as a
Patriarch.
Let no one suppose that Mr. Sneak is pur-
poseless man, or that it is from natural pliabil-
ily of disposition that he does all things Not