Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1856-05-01
For the Yorkville Enquirer.
WHAT SHALL WE APEs


Enter JONES, meeting OILY, the Barber.
Jones. wish my hair cut.
Oily. Pray, sir, take o! seat. PUTS chair for
JONES' who sits.)
Oily. We've had much wet, sir.
Jones. Very much, indeed.
Oily know not who cut your hair last time;
But this say, sir, it was badly cut
No doubt twas in the country.
Jones. No! in town.
oily. Will you be shaved, sir?
Jones. Shaved! No, demme! no gentleman
shaves now. Do you take me for a savage?
Oily. Amusement! But, really, sir, meant
no offence. OLD PLAY.
All the world knows, says an apt remarker, that
Richard the Third had humpback; and hence,
the great lords and ladies of the Court patternng
after royalty, wore each fashionable bump on
the back. The complaint soon became epidemic,
spread alarmingly among the aristoc-afc castles,
and thence to snobdom, funkeydom and dandydom,
until the whole kingdom was infected to fearful
extent. Gilded concbes, with their glittering ar
mortal bearings, freighted with the beauty and
fashion of London, blocked up the streets before
the doors of the miliners Of Charing Cross, where
the Prineesses Royal competed with the ladies Of
Court, the gay Dutchesses and Countesses Of the
realm, for the honor of being the first to trans
pose the padding Of their court-robes, from their
breasts to their shoulders that the hump backed
King might be duly honored on the next presenta-
ton day. Snobdom and Dandydom, conscious Of
their personal nferiority, strove to make amends
for the deficiencies of social rank and merit, by
going into the most absurd extreme of the fashion
and promenaded the streets and entered the box
es at the theatres, with humps on their backs so
enormous that stranger was induced to enquire
if all the beggars in London had received q fresh
supply of clothing from the royal bounty-their
packs had suddenly become so large!
Now, mankind are so fruitful in e1pedients that
no individual of the race is apt to be found with
out plausible excuse for any absurdity he may
commit, or for any sin Of which he may be even
habitually guilty. And if the people of England,
on the occasion referred to, had been brought to
the Confessional, they would have said, doubtless,
that it was all we'll enough to pattern after royal
ty.
But what shall be said of American Snobdom,
of which our friend Jones, in the barber-shop? is
presented to your readers as q specimen. There
is no royal Richard here, with hump-back. and
little, squnt, bead-like eyes, for our snobs to m.
tate; and they are, therefore, unuckily driven to
less commendable expedients, than those so sue
cessfully resorted to by the London snobs. But,
being in fact democrats of the first water, glory
ing in their ':freedom and independence" they do
not ignore royalty only (as in truth they should
do,) but all upper-tendom in America, and, too
often, medium decency, into the bargain-thus ma
king at once clean sweep Of the thing Royal
ty decency and sense, being thus out of the ques-
ton, the inquiry arises-what is left in American
society for them to pattern after? for without
something to ape, the life Of the snob would be
even of less value than the prelude to the farce
And thus the question, ''What shall we ape?" be-
came, once upon time, q very serious matter of
debate in the Councils of Snobdom.
A grand National Council Of Snobdom was
therefore summoned. 1t met, and was called to
order; President was elected and escorted to the
chair "Dread silence" reigned throughout the
hall for time; and many bosom heaved with
emotion unutterable. At length veteran arose.
Every eye gazed upon him with intense interest.
"Mr President, he began, "and Gentlemen Of
the Convention: Tho question we have met to
consider is one Of the last Importance to our or
der This Convention, Mr.. President, will decide
the fate of snobdom for many years. This ques-
ton is, What shall ace ape9 Now, Mr.. President
and gentlemen, we all know that American socie-
ty will not ape US, and in order to show our indie
pendeuce and fearlessness, for beg you oil to re-
member that We belong to the 'unterrifed democ-
racy") propose that we shall not ape American
society. (Gfeat applause, in which the Chair
joined.) The moment, gentlemen, is propitlous.
The war against Mexico has just terminated
Many of our gallant officers and soldiers have re-
turned to their country, covered with glory and
hair, Immense applause). Now, MIR. President
and gentlemen, from this happy circumstance
have derived thought that will, I think, relieve
us from the dilemma which has so sorely troubled
rs. Since American society will not ape us, and
since it is incompatible with our principles for US
to ape American society, have the honor to pro-
pose to this honorable Convention-and I am