Volcano weekly ledger., 1856-03-01
A Quaker Jumpins a Ditch.

Soid molaSSeS, goldfish, china, earthenware
clcthes-and all sorts of liquors We like
the Quakers, in deed as well as in name, and
Hezekiah was Hickory Quaker. He was
somewhat Of an old bachelor, and had
sister that was somewhat Of an old maid!-
But she was the best creature alive; straight
as candle, blooming as rose, and smiling
as charity Her name was Dorcas
Hezekiah and Dorcas walked on Sunday
afternoon, in the blooming month of May, to
breathe the fresh air, and view the meadows
The walking was smooth and delightful, with
no manner of distinctions, except here and
there ditch full Of water spanned by few
hedges, aud too wide for man of ordinary
jumping capacity to cross at a single bound.
But Hezekiah valued himself, as fat people
commonly do, on his agility, and instead Of
walking few rods for the sake of bridge,
he must needs leap every ditch he came to-
"The'd better not try that, Hezekiah,D said
the kind and consderate sister.
Never thee mind, Dorcas, replied Hezc-
kiah; there's no danger; Pve jumped
bigger ditch when | wasn't half my present
size
All that's very likely, but recollect thee's
grown exceedingly pussy since thee was a
young man."
"Pussyl Well, if have that's no reason
why shouldt be as agile as before; l tell
thee, Dorcas, can jump this ditch without
as much as touching finger"
AYE, but thcell touch thy feet to the
bottom7
"Thee's but woman, Dorcas, and thy
fears magnify this ditch even to river
4 Now stand thee aside that | may have
sweep, according to my abilities.
/ Nay, brother Hezekah theed better not
The ditch is wide and the bottom muddy-and
thee'l assuredly spoil thy Sunday clothes if
no worsep
"Oh, fudge for thy fears, girl; thee shall
not stay me jot. Nay do not hold me, for
am resolved to jump this ditch, if il were
merely to convince thee of my agility"
Accordingly, Hezekiah went back few
yards in order that he might have fair run,
and that the impulse thereof might carry
him over. Having retraced far enough he
came forward with momentum proportion
to his weight and velocty-and found him
self in the ditch. The water splashed
around on all sides, and bespatered the Sun
day clothes of Dorcas, who could not, with
all her Quaker sobriety and kind feeling,
help bursting into loud taught There was
Hezekiah showing his agility, and founder
ing IN the mud Ike whale! The water was
not so deep as TO be dangerous, and the scene
too irresistbly comic for even saint to
abstain from laughing, on the Lords day
At length, when her risibility would allow
her power of speech, Dorcas kindly held out
her hand, and said:
nj bo1, ftoa
out"
well, well, returned the founderer, in a
tone of yexation-" thee does well, Dorcas,
to stand there and laugh at meas though it
were mere sport to see me stick in the mud
and water up to my very middlew
NAY, nay Hezekiah, thee has shown thy
agility so marvelously that could not help
being pleased for the life Of me-and now
take to shame myself for opposing thee so
strenuously, or having doubted thy capacity
of jumping. But if thees satisfied with thy
exploit, and ready to come forth, L will lend
thee hand to help thee out"
Thus saving, Dorcas drew near the ditch,
but Hezekiah having got himself in by his
unaided power, declared he would get himself
out in the same way But the mud was deep
and adhesive; and as he got one foot out he
got the other in; and thus he continued to
labor and plunge till he was satisfied his own
ability was better calculated to help him in
than to help him out of the ditchl He grew
wrath and so far forgot the plain language
that he exclaimed By y"
Don't thee swear, brother Hezekiah, in
terrupted Dorcas
Swearm roared Hezekiah, thee'd swear
too if thee was in hercY"
Swear not at all, Hezckiah, but even
lend me thine hand, and I'll use my ability 10
pull thee out, according to the scripture,
which sayeth-" If thine OK or thine ass fail
into ditch on the Sabbath day.
Now, sister Dorcas, thee is too bad
Verify thee should not make me so heavy
as the former animal nor so stupid as the
latter"
q As to thy weight" returned Dorcas,
thee must be pretty well satisfied by this
time: and as for thy stupidity. it were indeed
unsistery to liken thee to the long cared ami
/ nal But if thee is satisfied on these points,
and will forthwith reach me thine hand, Ill
do as much as in me lieth to bring thee safe to
and.v
Hezekiah was pretty well convinced by
this time, that his own ability would never
fetch him out; wherefore, humbly reaching
his hand to Dorcas, he said, Verify, sister,
| will accept thine aid, inasmuch as my own
ability hath deceived me-
/ Dorcas kindly lent her assistance; and puI-
/ ling vigorously Hczekiah at length came to
land. Shaking of the mud and water like a
spaniel, he returned home but charged his