The south-western. [volume] (Shreveport, La.) 1852-1870, 1856-06-04
A Bachelors Troubles

Hnu one VI them on tile centre table, beneath
a thousand more or less books and papers, and
the other away back in a cuddy hole, where l
stow away old rubbish. Well, Eve found my
clean shir! at last; and where do YOU think it
was? hope to holler if l hadn't put it in my
hat box; and my hat I had placed in chest
where l keep my linen. Hat all smashed to
thunder-cost FIVE dolIars-oh, obi
Jerusalem Here's Il discovery! This shirt
hasn't got a button on it-and the wristbands
and collar are all frizzled up with ''derliceurs'
like the fringes Il believe that's the name) of
a woman 's-what d 5e call 'em?-neck encir-
clcr; that's near enough any way Why. whats S
the matter with this shirt? Rip! can't get it
off nor on. Rip that's the way the money goes.
Shirt cost one dollar and half; another ex-
pense, by Jupiter! Crackee! how cold it isl
Why, the fire has 'clean gin out'' That's
another job. Crack--crack-ph Why,
what's the matter with the Goals? Come to
think | threw pail of water over them. Have
to borrow some spllnters.
Mrs. Sanctimonious, will you give me a few
splinters.'
Mercy on us. Why,ifMr ,Phumble hasn't
come out afore me with uothin' on but his
breeches! and his whig is off, too Law sakes!
| never knew he wore a wig before!
oh dear! why didn't throw something over
me? My wig is off, too! Nowit will be all
over town in few minutes that Phumble wears
a wig. Wouldn't have it known for fifty dol
lars. No, sr-ec Well. I must have a tire some
way. Let me see. Bowed if | don't make
splinters out of that old wash-stand; it isn't O.
any use TO me; and the wash-bowl will do just
as well on my linen chest. Truly, necessity is
the mother ofinvention! (Slap--bang) That 5
the way to use old rubbish. (Whiz! bang! -
There's something coming!'
Mr.. Phumble, how c.n you make such a
racket on the Sabbath day?'
that It's none of your business! reckon I'm
lord of my own room, if do live in boarding
house; and if | wanted TO, would break my
neck for all of you'll
Mighty fine talk, Mr.. Phumblc--mighty fine
YOU old hedgehog! Oh, Mercy! you havn't
broken up my wash -stand--my favorite wash
stand--the last gift of my dear departed hus-
band! Hoo! hoo! hoo!'
Tears foran old wash-stand Botheration!
I'd rather hear it thunder any time, than to see
woman in tears, and hear her bubbering.
My heart begins to melt--it's al running down
like clock or butter on a hot summers day
Dear Mrs. Sancty--heaven bless you!-
Here's a ten for smashing your treasure. Now
dry up; there's a good woman--and please
leave this room in a trihc shorter than half
dozen seconds
Dear Mr.. Phumble! Ten dollars-as live!
Why, that's enough 10 pay for half a dozen
such kcepsakes! What a winning way the mans
got! You are jewel, Mr., Plum ble-that You
are
And your confounded oldswindler.--Ten
dollars gone to her capacous pocket! | wish
my heart was made of IRON
Well, the fires going at last. Crack-crack
-whiz--turr; what Il cheerful glow it sends
through the room! But it cost ten dollars
That's very much like lighting cigars with ten
dollar bills.
Well, what am I to do for shirt? Thank
fortune and my usual foresight, have got half
r dozen in my chest. my washstand rather, as
it is now. What wonderful knack have of
killing two birds with one stone'--half dozen,
sometimes. Now that chest answers all the pur-
poses Of a mantle piece, side table for books,
papers, and eating table sometimes, and now
ii comes in play as wash-stand, a capital wash
stand, and the inside perfect museum! Linen.
cigars, pipe, tobacco, matches, 'schnaps,' let
tefs, 'and other articles too numerous TO men
ton Oh, there's a great deal in knowing
couldn't arrange, and economise, and turn ey-
cry thing to advantage, half as well as could.
Moses and the prophets if the water hasn't
leaked out of the wash bowl, and got mixed
up with my linen and other lixings! Crash
slap--dash; there goes the rest Of the water,
bowl and all, right on my shirts! Bowl all
smashed TO pieces, another expense. | guess
that chest won't do for a wash-Stand, without
| make place for my linen under the bed. A
capital idea! III arrange ita Ito morrow. Well,
III have TO dry shirt before can wear one.
There it hangs on the back of chair before
a blazing tire--looking for all the world like a
shirt on a bcan-pole.' !
Ah, what tale bearers these cid women arel
How soon the story of my wig went over town;
magnitied and increased until | find out my
teeth are false. Told of it to my teeth, too!
and then left@ to chew the cud OF my solitary
Tancies. Well, well, was in love (!!) the other
lay; and that I'd get the mittcn; (this was by
young ale-bearer, just beginning to develop
Yer natural propensities.) was told, too, that
was dead, and that my spirit had communi-
lated to this world the astonishing fact that the
'eason was never married was because was
he victim of a coquette. Ofeourse every word
$ true. How can deny the stories of respect
'ble scandal=monyers. ButI will throw down
Ire glove to these respectable old, &c, and
9 every story | say prove it,
Women are nuisances. with a few exceptions
look around my humble tenement, and can't
'elp congratuIating myself on being free from
heir scandalising presence. Home, home,
weet, sweet home! s.. ...--..-. ..-.7 F..
sHs,s3 ia. Home is where love is
ays somebody. Whom have I loved? An
cho answers 'whom!' but it doesn't answer
what Hurrah for the neuter gender! Here's
bachelors soace-a bachelors how to make
ome happy, a good cigar. Puff, puff. ] Float
way, care and trouble; float away, Susan
1abbe;; tale bearers and scandal -mongers all
oat away with the blue smoke Puff, puff.
believe am the most contented man in the
ilde world. Like Selkirk,
Il am monarch of all survey!"
| don't look out Of the window. Puff, puff,
uff. ! wouldn't be a married man for all the
Al