New-York daily tribune. [volume] (New-York [N.Y.]) 1842-1866, 1856-02-22
CHAPTER Y.

CHAPTER Y.
cosrAIy1Se TIVE WHOLE SCIENCE or GOvERSsISr
The Circumlocuton Office was lac everybody knows
Vi,bout being told the most important Department
under Government No public business of any kind
could possibly be done al any time without the acqu
escence Of the CircumlOcutlOn Once. It's niger wac
in the largest public pie, and IN the smallest puone
tart Ii equally impossible TO do the plalne-tr Sht
and TO undo the planest wrong without the express
authority Of the CIcumocuton Office. If another
Gunpowder Plot had been discovered half an hour be-
fore the lighting of the match, nobody would nave oeen
justified in saving the Parliament until there had been
half score Of boards, half bushel OF minutes, sew
era sacks of official memoranda, and a famiy-vsut-
full of ungrammatcs correspondence, on the part oil
the CircumlOcutOn Office.
This glorious establishment had been early in the
field when the one sublime principle involving the
difficult art of governing country was inst distinctly
revealed to statesmen II had been foremost to study
that bright revelation, and TO carry its shining lnhu-
ence through the whole Of the official proceedings
Whatever was required 10 BE- DONE the Crcumocution
Office was beforehand with all the public departments
in the art of perceving-How NOT TO DO IT.
through this delicate perception, through the tact
with which il invariably seized IT, and through the
genius with which it always acted on it, the Circunlo-
cution Office had risen to overtop all the public de-
uartments; and the public condition had risen 10 be
what il was.
II is true that How not do it the great study and
object of all public departments and professional poll
tcians all round the CIrcumocution Once. IL l. true
that every new premier and every new government,
coming in because they had upheld certain thing a.
necessary 10 be done were no sooner come in than
they applied their utmost faculties TO discovering, How
not to do H. II is true that from the moment when
general election was over, every returned man who
lad been raving on hastings because II hadn't been
Done and who had been asking the friends OF the hon
orabe gentleman in the opposite interest on pam OF
Impeachment to tell him why i hadn't been done, and
who had been asserting that must be done, and who
had been pledging himself that it should be DONE be-
gan 10 devise, How not 20 be done. IL Is true
that the debates of both Houses of Parliament the
- 10 Oh IN no
racted delberation, How not to do it. 1t Is true that
the ROYAL speech at the opening of such session yrtu
ally said, Ny lord and gentlemen, you have consid-
cradle stroke Of work to do and You Will please to
retire to your respective Chambers and discuss, How
not to DO it. ii il true that the royal speech at the
close of such session, virtually said Ny lords and gen
tlemen, YOU have through several laoorous months
been considering with great loyalty and patriotism,
How not to do It. and you have found out; and with
the blessing of Providence upon the harvest natural
not poiticaD now dismiss you. All this is true, but
the Circumlocution Office went beyond it.
Because the Crcuinocution Office went Oh rnechani
caIlv every day keeping this wonderful, s-suticent
wheel Of craftsmanship How not to do 1t, in motion.
Because the CiTcumlocution Office was down upon any
i-advsed public seryant who was going to do It, or
who appeared to be by any surprising accident IN re-
mote danger Of doing It. with q minute, and memo
randum and letter of instructions, that e1ngashed
him. 1t was this spirit of national efficiency in the
Circumlocutos Office that had gradually led to ts
having something to do with everything. Mechani-
cians natural philosophers soldiers, sailors petition
en-, memoIalists, people with grievances people who
wanted to prevent grievances, people who waited
to redress grievances, jobbing people, obbed peo-
yle people who couldn't get rewarded for merit,
ind people who couldn't get punished for demerit,
all Unfortunately tucked up under the fooscap
paper Of the CncumlOcution Office.
Numbers of people were lost IN the CIcumlocutlon
Office. Unfortunaies with wrongs, with projects
for the general welfare, land they had better have
had wrongs at first, than have taken that bitter En-
elish recipe for certainly getting them, who in slow
lapse of time and agony had passed safely through
other public departments who, according to rule, had
been buled in this, oveneached by that and evaded
by the other got referred at last TO the CrcumocuOn
Office, and never reappeaTed in the light of day.
Boards sat upon them, Secretaries mnuted upon them,
Commissioners gabbled about them, clerks registered
entered, checked, and licked them off, and they
melted away IL short, all the business of the country
went through the Crcumocution Office, except the
Business that came out Of IT. and rs name was
Legion.
Sometimes angry spirits attacked the CircumlOcu-
ton Office. Sometimes, parliamentary questions were
asked about IT, and even parliamentary motions made
or threatened about il, by demagogues low and
ignorant to hold that the real recipe of Government
was, How to do it. Then would the noble lord right
honorable gentleman, in whose department it TO
defend the Crcumocution Office, put an orange in his
pocket, and make a regular fed-day Of the occasion.
Then would be come down to that House with slap
upon the table, and meet the honorable gentleman
foot to foot. Then would he be there to tell that hon
orabe gentleman that the CircumlOcution Office not
only was bameless in this matter but was commend
able in this matter, exollabe to the skies in this
matter Then would he be there 10 tell that honorable
gentleman, that although the Circumlocution Office
inv ariaby right, and wholly right, il never was
right as in this matter Then would he be there TO
tell that honorable gentleman that it would have been
to hs honor TO bis credit, to biz good
taste, more to biz good sense more 10 half the dicOn
srv OF commonplace, if he had left the CireumlOcu-
ton Office alone, and never approached this matter.
Then would be keep eye upon a coach or crammer
from the CircumlocutiOn Office sitting below the bar,
and smash the honorable gentleman with the Circum-
lOcution Office account of this matter. And although
one of two things always happened; namely, either
that the CTcumlocution Office had nothing TO say and
said it, that il had something TO say Of which the
noble lord or fight honorable gentleman, bundered
half ard forgot the other; the Circumocution Of
fee always voted immaculate by an accommo-
dating ma Ority.
Such nursery of statesmen had the department
become in virtue Of long of this nature, that
several solemn lords had attained the reputation OF
being quite uneathy prOdgies of business soley from
having prscticed, How not TO 10 IT, at the head of
the Cucumocuiion Office. As to the minor priests and
acoytes Of that temple, the result of al! this that
they stood divided into two classes and down TO the
Junior messenger either believed in the CrcumOcuton
Office a Heaven-bom institution, that Lad an
absolute night to do whatever liked, TOOK refuge
in tot a. infdey, and considered il grant nuisance
The BarDace family had for some time helped to
administer the CIcumlocuion Office. The Tic Barna
Gle Branch indeed considered themselves in general
way having vested rights in that direction, and took
il Ill if any other family had much to say 10 it. The
Barnacles were very high family, and a very large
family. They dispersed all the public Offices
and held all sorts of public places. Either the nation
under load of obligation to the Barnaces, or the
BaTnacles ander load of obligation 10 the ma
ton. II was rot quite unanimously settled which tne
Barnacles having their opinion, the nation theirs.
The Mr.. TIte Barnacle who, at the PERIOD now IN
question, usually coached or erammed the stat sinan
at the head of the Circumlocution Office, when tnaI