Squatter sovereign., 1856-05-20
SHORT PATENT SERMONS.
ON FIRE, WATER. AND WOMEN.
, z DOW, II.



Fire, water, women, are mans ruin,
Says that old doating Dutchmau, Bruin,
But what phlegmatic humor bred
Such fantic notions in his head?
Ascribing thus Iife's balefui woes
To causes whence each blessing flows.
Mr. HEARERs-there is no doubt but
FIRE, water and women-taken separately
or conbined--ere often the cause of mans
ruin: and at the same time, they are the
sources whence all his blessings flow.
Fire sometimes burns up our habitations,
and all therein; but then it warns US in
winter-the greatest comforter for the sea-
son imaginable, and the most cheering
companion when Night would fain cover
US with her mantle of gloom and darkness
1t cooks our victuals, assists us in cele-
brating the Fourth of July, and makes the
steamboats, go ahead. Fire! the blest se-
nial light of day, is an emblemn of purity.
Unlike everything else, it has but one
quality; and that is A No. /. Who ever
heard of poor, middling, or second rate
fire. Nonsense you hight as well i'm.
agine an inferior order of angels in heav-
en-, or virtue little de6led, bat not enough
to hurt it! Fire is the fountain of light,
health, and enjoyment; and, for curiosity's
sake, l should like to see the world try to
get on without it. Some individuals. after
having run into it, or burnt their fingers by
meddling with it, thoughtlessly and pro-
fanely exclaim, d-n the fire when
they only damn themselves, both by word
and by deed. Such folks put me in mind
of silly moths, that flutter about the allur-
ing blaze till they scorch their wings, and
drop to expire in the hot fat of their own
foolishness. Well let them fall: all have
their fall. The foolish fall by their own
folly-the great fall by hatred-and the
fair fall by love. shouldn't wonder if l
fell, one Of these days, by either fire, wa
ter or women; but when DO fail, il will
be right side up, and with philosophical
face upon the world.
My friends-water sometimes does great
injury to man. 1t sweeps away his saw
mills, and not unfrequently houses, pigs
and children-6lls his cellars, upsets his
| hopes, and mandates some of his fairest
prospects. At the deluvian period it car
RED every living into eternity, except fishes
and few seeds of mortality most miracu-
lously preserved in an ark. But for all
this, say not that water Is an evil. 1t is as
useful and necessary to man as the atmos-
phere he breathes. 1t is essential in bring
ing forth the products of the earth. 1t
subdues and conquers fire, when it feels
disposed to 60 beyond its proper limits. 1t
cotnmingles with milk to the benefit of the
vender, and without absolute injury to the
buyer. It associates with brandy to the
profit of the seRer, and acts as eonserv-
atiye upon the stomach of the consumer.
! Fire puriies and water cleanses. How
then eau it be possible that elements 50
pure and necessary as these should prove
man ruin? Easily enough-when mixed
together as toddy, sling or smasber, and
taken twenty times day. This Is the
way that fire and water operate to ones
ruination; and advise yon all, my friends
to forsake the fire, and take TO the water
the same as did long years ago.
MY dear friends-woman is often the
occasion OF much trouble and mischief te
man. For her he tolls and slaves-for hel
he fghts-for her he gets drunk-for heI
he walked out of Paradise barefooied-fol
her he blows his brains out-and for heI
he makes confounded fool of himself, il
a variety of ways. Notwithstanding, wo.
man is a blessing. Her influence over u:
rough-hewed sex, is as mild as the moor
upon the tides, and twice as powerful
The moral fragrance that surrounds her j.
as sweet as the odor that arise from flelt
of white clover; and her beauty make,
her one of the most interesting living or
naments that wears either legs or wings
I don't care whether you mention bird o
paradise, butterfly, or straddlg-bug.
i MY hearers-fire, water and women ar,
all very good in themselves; but you mus
be careful and no: let either Of them ge
the mastery of you. So mote it be.
|
e9 Why is man willing to learn
like a man under Indictment! Becaus
he's "open to conviction
II HI Doubt and distraction the fate 6