The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1856-05-31

finally found one of them on my centre ia
bic, beneath thousand more or less book
and papers, and the other way back in
cuddy-hOle, where | stow away old rubbish
/ Well, I've found my clean shit at last an
where do you think it wasI hope to hole
| if hadn't put it in my hat box; and IN,
, hat had placed in chest where | keep IN,
/ linen. Hat all smashed to thundcr-cos
| five dollarS-oh, OH Je-ru salem. Here
a discovery, This shirt hasn't got buttol
on it-and the wristbands and collars are al
frizzled up with "dcriicucr,' like the fringe
! q believe that's the namc) on a woman's-
what do you call 'em ?--neck encircler; that
near enough anyway. Why, what's tn,
matter with this shirt? Rip. can't &c
it off nor on. Rip, that's the way the none,
goes; shirt cost me one dollar and half
that's another expense, by Jupiter. Crack
&c. how cold it is. Why, the fire has ''clear
gone out" That's another Job. Crack
crack-phizz. Come to think, threw &
pail Of water over them. Have TO borrow
some splinters.
Mrs. Sanc;inonious, will you give INC a
few sp,inters!"
Mercy on Us, Why, If Mr. Phumblc
hasn't come right out afOre nc with nOthin
on but his brceches. and his wig of, too
LiN SintS- 1 IcEGI hAGH lie wore Il WIZ
beiorc."
30, dear, Why didn't throw some
thing over me? My wig oil, too! Now i'll
be all over town in 4 fcw minutes. Wouldn'
have it known for fifty dollars. No, Stree
Well, must have a fire some way. Let
Inc see. Blowcd if | don't make splintcrs
oUt of that old washstand it isn't of any
use TO me; and the wash bowl will do Just
as well OH my linen chest. Truly necessity
IS the mother of invention, (S.apl bang ,
That's the way to use old rubbish. CWhiz!
bangD There's something coming"
Mr. Phumblc, how can You make such
4 racket on the Sabbath day"
ALLOW me TO tel you, Mrs. Sanctimoni-
Gus, that it's none of your business,
reckon I'm lord of NV own room. if ! do
live in boarding house and I'd kill my
self for all of you"
Mighty fine talk, Mr. Phumb.c-mightv
finc-you old hedgehog! o, Mercy, if YOU
haven't broken my washstand-my iavorite
washstand, Hoo. hoo, hooi"
Tears for an old waShstaud, Bothcra-
ton, Id rather hear it thunder any time.
than to see woman in tears and hear her
blubbcring. My heart begins TO m, Tits
all running down" like crock of butter
on a hot Summers day.
- Dear Mrs. Sancty-heavcn bless you.
Here's ten for smashing your treasure.
Now dry up; there's n good woman-and
please leave tn room in triHe shorter than
half a dozen seconds"
Dear Mr.. Phumble, Ten dollars. as |
live! Why, that's enough to pay for half a
dozen such keepsakcs What a winning
way the mans got, You are 4 Jewel, Mr.
Phumble. that you are"
And you're confounded oil swindler !,
Ten dollars gone to her capacious peck, {.
| wish M heaIt was made OF iron.
Wei, the fires going at last. Cra X
whiz-wiat a cheerful glow il sends through
the room. But it cost ten dollars That 5
like lighting cigars with ten dollar bills.
Well and what am to DO for shir, !:
Thank fortune, and my usual foresight, I've
got half dozen in my chcst-my washstaad
rat.cr, as it is now What a wonderful
knack have of killing two birds with one
stone half a dozen sometimes. Now that
chest answers all the purposes of 4 mantle
piece, side table for books, papers, and cat
inc table sometimes and now II comes in
play as washstand-a capital washstand,
and perfect museum inside. Linen, cigars,
pipe, tobacco, schnapps, letters, aud other
articles too numerous TO mention. Oh,
there's great deal in knowing how to ar
range things. kEo,c a woman couldn't ar
range, and economisc, and turn everything
to advantage, half as well as | could.
Moses and the prOphotS if the water
hasn't leaked out of the wash-bowl, and got
"mixcd up" with my linen and other iiNins ,
Crash-slap-das there goes the rest Of
the water, bowl and all, right on my shifts I.
Bowl all smashed to pieces; another expense !,
guess that won't do for washstand, with
out make place for my linen under the
bed. \ capital idea! III arrange il all to-
morrow. Well, III have to dry shirt be
fore can wear one.
There it hangs on the back OF chair be-
fore the blazing fire, looking for all the
world like shirt on a bean pole Ii re-
minds Inc Of some kind Of an under garment
once drying before the fire like my shirt
Miss, said to a young lady in the room,
'can You inform me what that outlandish
thing is"
81 hat" she answered with a blush, is a
shimmyset
She didn't think | heard her when she
said in low tone:
"l'li bet my old shoes that man isn't mar
ried,"
A queer name. truly, that shmmyset." ;"
| should think shimmy-rest or hang would
be more proper.
All, what tale-bearers these old women
are. How soon the story of my wig went
over town, magnified and increased until |
find out that my teeth are false. Told OF it
to my teeth, too, and then left me to chew
the cud Of my solitary fancies Well, well,
was in love CD the other day; and then
Id got the mtten; {this was by a young
tale-bcarcr, just beginning to develop her
natural propensities.) l was told, too, that
was dead, and that my spirit had cOmmu-
nicated to this world the astonishing fact
that tie reason | was never married was be
cause l was the victim Of coquette. OF
course every word is true. {" How can
deny the stories of respectable scandal-mon-
gers?" But will throw down the glove"
to these respectable" old, &C., and to every
story say "prove it."
Women are nuisances, with a few excep-
and can't help from congratuloting myself
on being free from their scandaliZing pre-
sencc. Home, home, sweet, sweet home!
"Irome where love i,.'
says somebody Whom have to love? An
echo answers, Whom?" but it doesn't an
swer what" Hurrah for the neuter gen
der! Here's bachelors solace-a bach
elor's chow to make a home happy. "a
good cigar. Puff, puff Float away care
and trouble; float away, Susan Gabble, tale
bearers and ccandal-mongers, all float away
with the blue smoke. (Puif, puff believe
| am the most contented man in the wide
world. Like Selkirk,
IL am monarch of all survey"
if | don't look out OF the window. Puff
puff wouldn't be a married man for all
the worldl puff, puff And sometimes
seems to say:
"Do you know the reason why Jack didn't
eat his supper?"
Ten o'clock as l live! and church will
commence in half an hour. How can ever
get ready? l shall have to wear the shirt
- A Inc IL