M'arthur Democrat. (McArthur, Vinton County, Ohio) 1853-1865, 1856-11-06
SflisteIIantous 9rtitIts.
Fashionable Church Music.

Doesticks thus takes OFF the fashionable
church music of the day:
Went to the church which was arranged
like theatre, with the best place for thos
who pay ,he most money--instead of pull
pit there was a stage for the ministers t'
perform on--people came in droves--seati
we're soon full--then huge pyramid o
stools in one corner was attacked by six en-
ergetic and determined sections, who speedily
tore tito pieces and scattered the fngmeRt:
through the aisles for folks to sit on.
Organist executed a grand Kanses battl,
piece in five sharps, with vocal imitation D
ihe shrieks Of the settlers and the curses o
the border rufians. Then the minister came
up through trap door like harlequin il
the pantomime when the devil had got ar
invitation for him-he prayed long prayeI
in his uvercoat--then he took OF his over,
coat and read hymn, a very quick metre
with very strong choms--then he sat down
on his overcoat and read his letters.
The organist here made preparations ia
Igyrate-he rolled up his coat sleeves so as
not to interfere with his fngers--then he
rolled up his pan,aloons so as not to trouble
his toes-then he mbuttoned his cmvat and
loosened his vest; at this instant a very
muscular man disappeared from the ronkS in
the gallery, vanished through cubby hole
and was instantly lost in the anatomy of The
olgan-then there was great rattling in the
bowels thereof, as if it couldn': digest the
muscular man, but had great deal OF wind
on its stomach.
This was the preparation.
Then the orgahist commenced violent
struggle on the key board, as il he regarded
the unfortunate organ as a ilsticulf enemy,
whom it would require his utmost strength
and dexterity to overrome-S0 he went in
hammered him on the white keys he pelted
him ON the black ones, he punched him in
the semi. tones, lie kicked him in the double
bass. he put in series Of running kicks in
his chromatic scale, he pelted him in the
fats, he battered him in the sharps, he smote
him in kJ high keys, he hit him in the low
notes, Vt 1n he grabbed both hands in his oc.
laves and shook him till he squealed; then
he ferociously Jerked out the stops on one
side, as il he was pulling half his ,eeth out
Of his head-then he sayagely jammed in
those on the other, as if he was knocking
the rest of his grinders down his throat-di.
ter three quarters Of an hour, the left hand,
which had been doing mauiul service in the
lower suburbs, began to fail and sent for a
reinforcement, wlereupon the right hand
after hitting the upper chord OF Il sharp a
furious dig 10 keep il quiet in the interval,
scampered to the rescue, stopping by the way
to bestow upon the middle G a couple of
punches by way of reminder-then the
player, with both hands, both feet and his
knees, went in at the poor instrument and
belabored him so numerically in the lower
pipes that he lost his wind and cried
" enough in roar of agony.
This vas the prelude.
Then the singing commenced the opera
folks stood up 10 earn their money; they
sang as il the music scale had been creased
OH this occasion, aud they were climbing for
d pig on the top Of il; they would 60 up a
note or two and then slip back--each one
notch higher than the one before him, but
fell back before he reached the prize, and his
voice subsidized into discOntented growl
down in his ribs. AT last, after five trials,
each one Of which ended in an attenuated
squeak, one female with mouth like
a hatchway, loosened her bonnet,strings,
made desperate scream, and went so high
that she finally got hold Of the oleaginous
reward OF merit, and bore it Of in triumph.
Then they all stopped.
This was the singing, -.
Tnsn The muscular man came out OF the
bowels with the perspiration dripping from
his coat-tails; as lie hadn't another suit han
1y, lie sat down in the draught to dry.
This was the finale.