The Ashland union. [volume] (Ashland, Ashland County, Ohio) 1854-1868, 1856-09-17
JOB WORK.
From the N. z. Picayune.l
D~oestics Hears a Popular
Preacher

lergymen used to take their texts froL
the Bible, and preach peace and goo
will to men, women, and little girls
Our old minister whose Sunday sermoI
chastised my Saturdays apple-stealing
didn't take a gunpowder text, and, un
der Aromatic Schnapps inspiration
preach a howitzer and six FOUNDER ser
mon, having a submarine battery peror
alton, with a large invoice of revolver:
aud bowie knives thrown in way of rhe
torical grace. He used to think his du
ty was to keep his people from war anG
strife, and teach belligeront humans no.
to pull off their conts for a free fight
every time any body trod on their corns.
But nowadays a pastor must make
sermons to draw big houses, and We
have "star" s%ermonizers just as we
have star actors, and star performing
dogs at the Museum. Our city church
es are built by joint stock congregations,
in order to speculate ky selling the pews
so the ministers must fill the house
and run up the price of stock in the tab
ernacle, or else it is not a good invest
ment for those careful christians who
want to save their souls aid turn an
honest penny at tue same time. Dis
courses on the ordinary duties of man to
his neighbor ard his Maker don't draw,
and hence we have sermons on the Am
liability of the Devil ." I" Satan consid-
cred as a gentleman :" Z" He'll fire chem
ically analysed and !" How to make
fire proof garments for expiring sinners"
and various other subjects interesting
totthe community generally. These are
advertised in big letters in the morning
pagers that the minister may be popular,
the house be filed, the pews sell, and
tbe s2eculations turn an well.
Music, too, of the most extricating
scientific description, is employed to aid
full brass baud resources, is purchased,
aud a %gymnastic organist, who can play
With his fingers aud toes at the same
time, is hired to play selections from
operas and popular concert pieces to
amuse the audience till the preaching
commences. Tue choir is composed of
professional singers, generally engaged
from the various theaters, who give lit
tie scientific concerts betKecn the prayer
and the sermon, aud who sing uew-fan-
gled hymns to elaborate music. while the
orgaUist smuggles in Il fen bars from the
most popular p0:kas, and schottics, as Ia
teriudes between the verses Tho con-
sgregation are respectfully solicited not
to Join in the hymn, as they will discou-
cert the opera singer, and prevent their
exhibiting enough vocal gymnastics to
earn their salleries.
1 recently attended the performance
of the Rev. Blood and thunder Schreech-
a. rrt,O =, ropo,rrza far Liz rroi,E1nt
shrieks for freedom, disuuioD. free Kan
sas, runaway darkies, Sharp's rifles, bow
t~eknivcs, bulldogs, and a big gem
orally. He breaches clectioneeriug ser
mons, and it is said that he carries his
pocket full of Fremont ballots, and
makes his people take a vote on the
Presidential question every Sunday, to
see that they are all "sound on the
gsose." It is also asserted that he
spends his leisure hours firing at the iron
pan in the shooting gallery, aud in
throwing a toniahawk at a mark; occa-
sionally varying these delightful occu-
patfons, by taking boxing l~essoEs, learn
ing how to "goUge" Missouri, taking.
long drinks OF Aromatic Schuapps be-
tween times.
Went to the church, which was ar
ranged like a theatre, with the best pla-
ees for those who pay the most money
instead of a pulpit, there was . stage
forsthe ministers to perform on-peop.e
came In droves-seats were SOON full
then a huge pyramid ofstools in one cor
ner was attacked by six energetic and
d~Etermined sections, who speedily tore
it to pieces, and scattered the fragments
through the aisle for folks to sit on.
Organist executed a grand Kansas
battle piece in five shargs, with vocal
limitations of the sbrieks of the settlers,
and the curses of the border rufhans.
Then the minister came up through a
trap door like the harlequin in the pan
tomime when the devil has got invita-
tiop for hip-he prayed a long prayer
in his overcoat-then he took off his
overcoat and read a hymn, very quick
metre, with a very strong chorus-then
he sat down on his oyercoat and read
his letters.
The organists here made preparations
to gyrate, he rolled up his coat sleeves
asznot. to interfere with his fingers
then he rolled up his pautloors, SO as
not to trouble his toes then he unbut-
toned his cravat, and loosened his vest
-atathis instant a very muscular man
disappeared from the ranks in the gall
lery, vanished through a cubby hole, and
was instantly lost in the anatomy of the
organ-then there was a great rafting
in the bowels thereof, as if it couldn't
digest the muscular man, but had a great
deal of wind on its stomach,
This was the preparation.
Then the organist commenced a vio-
.ent struggle with the keyboard, as if
he regarded the unfortunate organ as a
fsticuf enemy; whom it would require
his utmost strength and dexterity to
overcome@so he went in-he hammered
him on the white Keys, he belted him
the black ones, be pcnched him on
the semitones, he kicked INN on the
double bass, he putin4a series of running
ticks in his ehromatic scale, he pelted
him In the flats, he battered him in the
sharps, he smote him in the high keys,
he hit him in the low notes, then he
grabbed both hands in his ~octayoes and
him until he squeeled, then he
ferocfously jerked out the stops en- one
side, as if he was knocking half his teeth
out of his head-then he savagely jam
med in those on the other, as if he was
knocking the rest of his grinders down
his throat-after three Quarters of an
boar, the left hand, which had been do