Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1856-12-24
A San Francisco Auctioneer.

The reporter of the San Francisco News fur.
nishes that pape, with the following report o
speech made by California auctioneer
"Ladies and gentlemen, | now have the honor
of putting up fine pocket handkerchief yard
wide, yard long, and almost yard thick; one
half cotton and t'other half cotton too; beauti-
fully printed with stars and stripes on one side,
and the stripes on one side, and the stripes and
stars on t'other. 1t will wipe dust from the
ewes so completely as to be death to dema-
rogues and make politics rs bad a business as
printing papers. Its great length, breadth
and thickness together with its dark color, will
enable it to hide dirt, and never need washing.
Going at one ollar?-seventy-five cests-ff-
ty cents ?-twenty five cents9-one btl No
body wants it !-~Oh thank you sir.
Next, gentlemen-for the ladies woDt be
permitted to bid on this ARTICLES a real, simon
pure, tempered, highly polished, keen edged,
Sheffield razor; bran spankin new; never open
ed before to sunlight, moonlight, starlight,
daylight, or gas-light; sharp enough to shave
a LAWYER or cut disagreeable acquaintance or
poor relation, handle of buck-horn: with all the
rivets but the two at the ends * pure gold
Who will give two dollars one dollarg half a
dollar? Why, We long bearded, dirty-faced rep
robates, with not room on your phizzes for
Chinese woman to KISS Pm offering you bar
gain at half a dollar razor and strop-a re-
cent patent; two rubs upon it will sharpen the
city attorney all for four bits, and piece of
soap-sweeter than roses, lathers better than
schoolmaster, and strong enough to wash out all
the stains from a California politicians counte-
nance, all for four bits Why you have only to
put the razor, strop and soap under your pillow
to wake up in the morning clean shaved
Won't anybody give two bits, then for the lot
knew would sell 'em.
"Next, ladies and gentlemen, | offer three
pair socks. hose, stockings or half-hose, Just as
you're mind to call them, knit by machine
made on purpose, out of cotton wool. The man
that buys these will be enabled to walk till he
gets tired and provided his boots are high e.
nough, needn't have any corns; the legs are as
long as bills against the corporation, and as
thick as the heads of the members of the legis-
lature. Who wants 'em at one half dollar =
Thank-ee madam, the money.
"Next, | offer you pair of boots, made spe-
cially fer San Francisco, with heels long enough
to raise q man up to the Hoadley grades, and
nails to insure against being carried over by a
land slide; legs wide enough to carry two re-
volvers and bowie-knife, and the uppers of the
very best morse leaIneT. ~ iHau III tnese uoo''
can move about as easy as the State capitol
Who says twenty dollars9 All the taxpayers
ought to have pair to kick the council with;
everybody ought to have a pair to kick the leg
islatnre with and they will be found of assist
ance in kicking the bucket, especially if some
body should kick at being kicked. Ten dollars
for legs, uppers. and soles, while souls, and mis-
cradle souls at, that are bringing twenty thousand
dollars in Sacramento! Ten dollars! ten dol
lars Gone at ten dollars
'Next is something that you ought to have,
gentlemen, lot of of good gaowses-s some
times called suspenders. know that some of
you will after awhile be furnished at the States
expense, but you can't tell which one, so buy
where they're cheap All that deserve hang
ing are not supplied with gallows; if so there
would be nobody to make laws, condemn GRIM
nails, or hang culprits until new election
Made of pure um-elastic-stretch like judges
conscience and last as long as California office
holder will steal buckles OF pure iron, and war
ranted to hold so tight that no mans wife can
rob him of the breeches; are in short, as strong
as good as perfect, as effectual and as bona ttde
as the ordnance against Chinese shops on Du-
pont street--gone at twent.s - cents"