Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1853-1862, 1856-11-09
porsroks HEARS A POPULAR pgEACHEa.

gray with age aud pietY, elsrgyInen used to take
their texts from the Bible and preach peace and
coed will to men, women and little girls Our
old minister, whose Sunday sermon chasised my
Saturday apple steslng, didn't take gunpow-
der text, and, under Aromatic Sehnapps inspra-
ton, preach a howitzer aud--Ix FOUNDER sermon,
havirg submarine battery perOration, with a
large invoice ofrevolvers and Bowie knives thrown
10 by way Of rhetorical graees. He used to think
his duty TO keep his people from war and STRIFE
and to teach bellgerent humans not pull off their
coats for free fght every time any body trod on
their CORES.
But now. a-dsys pastor must make sermons to
draw big houses, and we have ''stsr sermonizers'
just as we lave star acters and star performing
dogs at the museum. Our city churches are built
by JOINT stock congregations, in order to speculate
by sell ng the pews-s the minister must fill the
house and run up the price OF stock in the
tabernacle, or else he is not good Investment for
those careful Christians who want to save their
souls and turn an honest penny at the same time.
| D.scourses en- the ordinary duties of man to his
| neiehbor and his Maker don't "draw," and hence
we have sermons on the "Amisbity Of the Devil"
| "Satan, considered as a gentleman" "Hell fire
| chemically analysed" and "How to make fire
proof garments for expiring sinner" and various
| other subjects interesting to the community general
| ly These are all advertised in big letters in the
morning papers, that the minister may be popular
the house be filled, the pews sell, and the specu-
| lstion turn out we'll Music too, of the most eX-
| crucatingly scientific description is employed to
aid the scheme--sn orchestral organ with full
brass band resources, is purchased, and gymnsstc
organist, who can play with all his fingers and
/ toes at the same time, i5 hired to perform seec
tons from operas and popular concert pieces to
amuse the audience till the preaching commences.
The choir is composed of professional singers gene.
| rally engaged from various thesters who give lit.
tie scientific concerts between prayer and the SER
mon, and who sing new tangled hymns to elaborate
music, while the organst smuggles in q few bars
from the most popular polkas, and schottishes, as
interludes between the verses. The congregation
are respectfully solicited not to join in the hymn, as
they would dsconcert the opera singers, and pre-
vent their exhibiting enough vocal gymnastics to
earn their salaries.
l recently attended the performance of Rev.
Il Blood and Thunder Soreecher,who is renowned for
his prolonged shreks for freedom, disunion, free
Kansas runaway darkies, Shapes rifles, Bowie
knives bull dogs and big muss generally. He
breaches electIoneering sermons, and it is said
that he carries his pocket full of Fremont ballots
and makes his people take vote on the Presiden-
tal question every Sunday, to sea that they are
ell "sound on the goose" 1t is also asserted that
he spends his leisure hours firing at an iron in the
shooting gallery, and in throwing a tomshswk at
o mark; occasionally varying these delightful &C.
equations by taking boxing lessons, and learning
|
Aromatic Schnapps between times.
Went to the church, which was arranged like a
theater, with the best places for those who pay
the most money-instead of pulpit, there was q
stage for the minister to perform on-people came
! in droyes--seas were soon full, then huge pyra
mid of stools in one corner was attacked by six
energetic and determined sections, who speedily
tore it to pieces and scattered the fragments thro
| the aisles for folks 10 sit on.
Organist executed grand Kssnas batte.piece
in five sh8rps with vocal limitations of the shreks
of the settlers and tie curses the Border Rufans.
The minister came up through trap door like the
harlequin in the pantomime when the devil has
got an invitation for hlm-he prayed long prayer
in his overcost-then he took off his over; o It and
read hymn, very quick meter, with very strong
choru5-then he sat down on his oVercoat and read
his letters.
The organist here made preparations to gyrate:
| he rolled up his cost-seeves not 10 interfere
with his 6ngers-then he rolled up his psntalocns
Sd ss not to trouble his toes; then he unbuttoned
his cfavst and oosaned his vest-at this instant q
very muscular man disappeared from the ranks in
the gallery, vanished through a cubby hole, and
was instantly lost in the anatomy of the organ
then there was great ratiDg in the bowels there
Of as if it could not digest the muscular man, but
Lad great deal OF wind on its stomach.
This was the preparation.
Then the organst commenced a violent strug-
gle with the key board, as if he regarded the un-
| fortunate organ a fsticuif enemy whom it would
require his um3 st strength and dexteTity to over
come-so he went in-he hammered him on tne
white keys he pelted him on the black ones, he
| punched hin in the semtOnes-he kicked in the
double bass-he put in series of running ticks in
his chromatic scRle-he pelted him in the flats
be battered him In the shsrps--he smote him in
the high keys-he hit him in the low notes--then
he grabbed both his hands in his octaYes and shook
ba aiaf- than 10 -lr,i -ad
, out the stops on one side, as if he were pulling
half his teeth out of his haad-then he savagelY
damned in those on the other as if he was knock
ing the rest Of lis grinders d6wn his tbroat--after
three quarters OF az hour, the left hand, which
had been doing msuiul battle in the lower suburbs
began to fail, and sent 70: reinforcement where.
upon lhs night q d. a Ter hitting the upper cord
OF G sharp fuJoas Gig to keep it quiet in the in
tervsl, clmpered to the rescue, only stopping by
the way to bestcw upon the middle G q couple of
punches by way of Temuder-then the player,
with both hands, both feet and his knees went
at the poor instrument and belabored him so un-
mercifuly in the lower pipes that he lost his wind
ard cried "Eaough" in a roar of agony.
This was the prelude.
Then the singing commemorative opera folks
stood up to earn their money-they sang if the
musical scale had been creased on this occasion,
and they were climbing for pig on the top OF it
they would go up a Lote or two and then slide
blackjack one went notch higher than the one
before him, but fell back before he reached the przs
and his voice subsidized into discontinued growl
low down in his ribs At last, after five trials, each
one of which ended in low attenuated squeak, one
female with mouth ike hstchway loosened her
bonnetstrings, Dade desperate scream and went
so high that she finally got firm hold of the olea-
g.nous reward of merit and bore it off in triumph
then they all stopped.
This was the singing.
Then the muscular man came out of the bowels
with the perspiration dripping from his coattals-
as he hadn't another suit handy, he sat down in q
draught TO dry
This was the finale.
Here the minister read number of gratis ad-
vertisements for concerts and twenty-five cent
picnics-then there was another singe-hauded
combat between the organist and his old enemy
and some more creased pig vocalization by the
thousand dollar choir, after which the ''star'
preacher began TO perform in esrnest--he read
text and stuck to the subject for fifteen minutes,
giving his hearers "fts about their short conlngs
when the plate was passed--then he gave glow
ing description of tue joys of Paradise and by his
eloquent words had got Us so far into the spirit
land that we could almost hear the departed spirits
blow their noses, when suddenly he cut short his
high flown piety and began to talk politics and
| general neWs--he spoke of the state of the stock