Butte record., 1856-05-24
Histtllanrnns.
A wife in eXtasy and a Husband
in Fidgets.

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The deed is accomplished. My
wife has got piano, ''and now fare
well the tranquil mind-farewell con-
tent and the evning papers and the big
cigars that make ambition virtue-oh,
FAREWELL And oh farewelll--And
oh, ye mortal engines, whose rude
throats the immortal Jove's dread
clamors counterfeit;" but stop, can
not bid them farewell, for one Of them
just arrived. 1t came On dray.-
Six men carried it into the parlor, and
it grunted awfully. 1t weighs a ton,
shines like a mirror, and has carved
Cupids climbing up its limbs. And
such lungs-whew! My wife has com
menced to practice, and the first time
she touched the machine, thought we
We're in the midst of a thunder storm,
and the lightning had struck the crock
cry chests. The cat, with tail erect,
took bee line for particular friend
upon the back fence, demolishing six
shilling pane of glass. The baby a
woke, and the little fellow tried his
best to beat the instrument, but he
didn't do it. 1t beat him. A teacher
had been introduced into the house.
He says he is the last of Napoleon's
grand army. He wears a huge mus
tache, looks at me fercely, smells Of
garlic, and goes by the name Of Count
Run away and never-come- -back-a-
calmly. He played an extract de
opera the other night. He run his fin
gers through his hair twice, then grin
ned, then he cooked his eyes up to the
ceiling, like monkey hunting flies,
then down came one of his fingers, and
| heard delightful sound, similar to
that produced by q cockroach dancing
upon the tenor string of a fiddle. Down
came another finger, and was reminded
Of the wind whistling through a knot
hole in hen coop. He touched his
thumb, and | thought | was listening
to the distant braying of a jackass.-
Now he ran his fingers along the keys,
and l thought of boy rattling a stick
upon picket fence. All of sudden
he stopped, and | thought something
had happened. Then down came both
fists, and oh, Lordl such a noise was
never heard before. thought a hur-
ricane had struck the house, and the
walls were caving in. I imagined l
was in the cellar, and ton of coal
falling upon my head. I thought the
machine had burst, when the Internal
noise stopped, and l heard my wife
eiaculate-''exquisitel''. "What the
deuce is the matter?" The answer
was, why, dear, that's Sonnambulap
'D-m Sonnambulan thought I, and
the Count rolled up his sheet of paper.
He calls it music; but for the life of
me, | can't make it look like anything
else than a rail fence with a lot of ju-
venile niggers climbing over it.
Before that instrument Of torture
came into the house could enjoy my
self, but now every darned woman in
the neighborhood must be invited to
hear the new piano, and every time
the blasted thing shrieks out, like a 10
comotive with the bronchitis, | have to
praise its tone, and when the invited
guests are playing I have to say, 'Ex-
quisite!' 'Delightful!' Heavenly and
all such trash, while, at the same time
I know Just as much about music as
blind Goldfish. There are more tuning
hammers than comforts in our house;
and | wish the inventor of the piano
was troubled with a perpetual night
mare, and obliged to sleep in one of his
instruments all his life.
As for myself, I had rather put my
head under a tin pan and be drummed
to sleep with a pair of smoothing irons
than hear ''La Sonnambula," or any
other La thumped out of piano.
Scatter pennies in front of my house,
and draw together all the wandering
minstrels in the city, hand organs, ban
JOS, fddles, tambourines, rafting bones
and fish horns. Let juvenile monkeys
crawl in at my windows In search of
three cent pieces, let me be awakened
at midnight by the cry of 'murdern'
ring the fire bells and have devil of
a time generally; do all this, and | will
not complain; but Danish the pianos!
My piano has got to 60. am going
to launch the internal machine out Of
the window the first dark night; and,
my friends, advise you to sleep with
cotton in your ears, or when she gives
her dying grunt, you Il think you've
fallen out of bed, or fallen star has
gone to roost upon the housetop. For
the information of young America |
viii state that all the pieces of brass
wire and keys they are welcome to,
but the skeleton | want for q refriger-
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