Eastern times., 1855-05-03


such apparel, only, as would be willing to
donate, next day, to the Five-Poiuts Mission.
Could have done like the others-bought a
ready-made coat and vest and given them with
the greatest pleasure-but the hint in the in
viiatiun seemed to include the entire wardrobe
brought into requisition on the occasion, and
when thought of a five-Points darkry in my
ruffled shirt and gold studs, l was suddenly
indisposed, and sent my regrets But did
go to ball for the benefit of the poor-a two
dollar commingling of upper-tendom with
lower-twen;ydom an avalanche OF exclu-
siveness, in torrent of mobocracy-where
the crowd was so great that faces lost their
identity, and was only conscious of hustling
mass of dressed-uP humanity forest of
broadcloth wrecked in an ocean Of calico. |
barely escaped with life, and reached home in
state of collapse. Afterwards, went to
concert in behalf of the poor-where sat all
the evening in hard seat with number on
the back, to see woman make faces at a we'll
dressed audience, and sing music which
could not understand the people all applaud
ed when she screamed, and threw boquets AT
her when she made noise like swamp
black-birG
But my latest grand combination-charitable-
amusement exploit was attending Ladies'
Fair in aid Of the poor, which was given by
the benevolent ladies' of the Church of the
Holy Poker.
Damphool (who can't give up city associa-
tions, and who wouldn't read his bible if it
wasn't printed in New York; had sent to me
from his rural solitude TO procure him dress
ing gown and pair of slippers, and crotcheted
worsted comforter. Thought l couldn't have
better opportunity to purchase these, SO
went to the Fair. Got to the Hall. paid my
twenty-five cents at the door, went in-saw
plenty of long tables, with ladies behind them
playing keep store tables covered with
mysterious articles OF baby linen, and compli-
Gated pieces of female harness, designed for
uses to me unknown, and also all sorts of i'm
practicable unDecessaries intended for gentle
men-slippers that you couldn't get on-smok
ing caps that could never, by any possibility,
fit anybody, (shaped like Chinese pagoda, and
full of tinsel and spangles TO make them prick
ly.) cigar-cases that you couldn't get cigar
into without breaking both ends off, (perbaps
they expect US to smoke stubs like the
newsboys y pincushions stuffed so bad they
would turn the point of marlin spike, watch
cases just big enough 10 hold a three cent
piece, pen-wipers that would fill the point of
a pen full of wool, and divers other nonsensical
inconvenience fabricated by speculating fe-
males (the patterns being always very short
and the stitches very long; suppose they
think we don't know the difference,) to palm
upon victimized gentlemen; and they resigned
Iy submit to price so exhorbtant that if
Chatham ST. Israeite had asked it, they'd
straighten out his hsh-hook nose like a darn
ing needle. The prettiest looking girls are
always placed where the least attractive mer-
chandze is displayed, and they ask the big
gest kind of prices, trusting to the gallantry
of the gentlemen not to beat them down.
faitering themselves, | suppose, that their
pretty looks are value received for the ex-
change. One consequence ofthis arrangement
is, tina, every buyer spends all the money he
has in his purse, taking in exchange therefor,
a lot of stuff so utterly useless, and so ridicu-
lousy absurd, that after having it on his table
for week or so to laugh at, he is fain 10 get
rid Of the rubbish BY giving the whole to his
chamber-maid. Sometimes your purchases
will hold together till you leave the room, and
sometimes not; you must show yourself
man, and equal to either fortune
There was Post-O Ofice-pretty girl called
me, had letter for me-bought it-paid 10
cents-nothing in it-blank. Solicitous young
lady very anxious TO have me give her twenty
fire cents TO tell how much | weighed-pad
her the money, and she told me within fifty
one pounds and a half-a young woman want
ed me to invest in the grab-bag gave half
dollar and ished in-got, in three times try
| ing, tin whistle, half stick of candy, and a
peanut done up in tissue paper. Went on to
the auction-table where, after much competi-
tion with ringletied miss, (who was put there
to make Peter Funk bids against probable
purchasers, succeeded in a china vase, which
! soon discovered had hole IN the bottom, and
wouldn't hold water any more than it would
bake pork. II had bought it anywhere else,
should have thought had been swindled, and
have demanded my money back, but here, |
supposed it was an exemplifcation Of some
newly discovered principle of fair dealing,
with which was not yet acquainted. Was
much amused with the way they disposed Of
the unsold goods-certain number of articles,
(things left at the tables tended by the homely
girls) and for each article twenty tickets were
put into hat, whence they were drawn out
singly, and the last tickets drawn were to
have the prizes-should have thought it was
just the same as lottery, if had not been
acquainted with the ladies, and known they
wouldn't do anything so naughty. Came to a
place where an old lady with steel spectacles,
was cutting up loaf Of cako into particularly
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