Tribune and telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1855-1856, 1855-08-23
From the Dollar Newspap
SINGLE AND MARRIED.
BY ZEN OBIA.
SINGLE.

Paul Mannering, Esq, in terror of the re-
straints, inconveniences, expenses. annoyances,
and responsibilities of married life, had solemnly
resolved to remain bachelor all his days
He thought over the list of his married ac-
quaintances, and sympathizingly shook his head.
'Never!' said Mr. Mannering, 'never Wives
are great expense, besides being in thousands
of cases, nothing but thorn in the flesh to buff
fet you. They must have new bennets and
shawls, and dozens of other nick-nacks-l am
happily innocent of the nomenclature, even, of
feminine paraphernalia They are always sick
somewhere, or breaking down, if there is any ac-
tive pleasure you desire them particularly to en-
JOY. They are always tormenting you with their
whms, piled on the devoted head of neuralgia,
or worrying you to death with their grumbilngs
about dyspepsia, or the liver complaint, as il men
had not nerves, stomachs, and liver, as well as
they! They have weak back, or weak eyes, or
a weak head, Every probably genuine i'll, this
last,) or a weak spot somewhere, TO bore you
with. They are everlastingly teasing you for
Brandreth's pills, sugar-coated pills Indian pills,
Smiths bitters, Jones bitters, Hottentot btters,
for what | know, all world-renowned, and a ca
thohcon for everything. Any sort OF quack nos
trum--no matter what, so it is something new
they believe they will just try tit may posi-
bly, help them Bah women have an affection
for quackefy and humbug.
Then they don't feel equal to walking with
you anywherc-it is too fatiguing, and exercise
don't agree with them. 1t makes them nervous
II you come in the house with good hearty tramp
and your boots creaking, and if you chance to
whistle in the overflow OF your good humor, why,
you are venturous man indeed! They won't al
low you to put your feet on chair back andqui-
city read your newspaper after they retire ., no.
The rafting OF paper makes them nervous and
they feel so poorly. every thing must be as still
as the tomb. But if goa happen to have ner-
vous headache, or to feel particularly sleepy, my
ady will be good for midnight certain! Aud the
number ofdoors that will be opened with squeak
and shut with bang, the number OF drawers
hat will be pulled open, and resist being pushed
in, the number of times the tongs and shovel will
iall with a ringing chatter upon each other the
number of children and servants that viii come
INTO your room after You are i'll bed and desire
reposc, beats my arithmetic.
And then, a house becomes noisy in few
years after marr.agc-eycrywhc from garnet
70 cellar, is III confusion. In vain you seek for
few minutes delicious seclusion, to mediate on
the pleasures OF bachelor litc-the household
flock, like a flock OF sheep, will pop i'll at the
door, one after another, ioget around awhile,
then all trot out again. Your eye is everywhere
greeted with whole families of doii-babes and
LiIliputian tea-things, and hobby-horseS and MI
mature Whccl-hauows become the stumbling
blocks over which you run no slender risk Of
cracking your neck, when you gropc your way
through the darkness TO your disordcrcd bed
chamber.
'Apropos of Weakness unused on the suriy
bachelor. there is one point on which wives are
never accused nor suspected. They are never
weak IN tie ,oW. No advocates OF compromise
measurcs-nut they-thcir own way, or the tam
trums! Alas this; indeed, is a hcnpccked age
AN age of pctticoat rule-an age OF hysterlcs
And now, Paul Mannering, put the question
to your heart and MISUNDERSTANDING OF no
marriage! Once for ail-ayc, or nol'
Mr. Manncring soii.oquized upon his soliloquy
cwhi!c, with the gravity Of judge, and then he
brought down his cenchcd fist upon the thread
bare baze of his writing-desk, with more than his
accustomed decision, and said, with audible ell
crgy, "No"
Our hero was a living commentary upon ms
principles, till he was more than forty years old,
ard was 4 very easy, quiet, happy man. Ills
rooms were sometimes rather lonely to be sure,
but then he had become used to that, and liked,
ON the whole to be a little lonely-lt gave more
Zcst to the pleasure of society. His business
was hourishing and profitable. He was extrav-
agant or economical, as he pleased He shaved
or went unShorn rs suited his fancy. He read,
wrote, meditaed, ate, slept and smoked, Just as
he chose, and was quite independent every way
What more can a man desire
Paul Mannering, Esq, had religious horror
of watering places He voted them the boards
en- which are played off all the deccits Of artifce
and all the articles of de5cat. Ostcntaton, pre-
sumption, ambition, hypocrisy, rivalry, mallgui-
", and what not, make them 4 gathering pace,
according to Our hero. So he ahjured CRre May,
Newport Saratoga, Old Point, and all Springs
sweet, sour, or bitter, hot cold, or tepid suphu-
.rous, aluminous, or bitunuous; and all Noun
tains' low or lofty, smooh-sdcd or proc;p itous.
But it came to pass, in those days, when eve
ry body desires to escape from the dust and hdh,
and smoke, and bricks, and Sufocation OF great
swarming city, and go cut to recognize God In
his own handiwork, that Paul Manncringtnrncd
IT, key OF his flee and his muStg Cd law books,
and went to rusticate and rcjuvenatc III very
plcasaa: and picturesque cCuntry village ON the
banks Of ;hc Ilud- IN S4ir jablished himself in
a delightful room of tho. very incest OF village
hotels for his head quarters, bur he soon found
himself most a@reeabiy domcsticaicd III the lam
ilv of an old college chum, who was the principal
gentleman Of the green bag in the village and
Il man of euviGb.c reputation for his professional
wisdom, and still more popular for his charming
social qualities Judge Goldsmith had wife
that was a wife all that the most exacting,
the most fastidious, the most intensely dissatis-
fed with every body else could desire and Judge
Goldsmith truly and richly deserved her.
She was so cheerful and sunny spirited so kind
" attentive, without depressing yon, so grace
fully. loving and devoted to her gray-headed old
Judge-she made everywhere SO inviting and
agreeable she made everybody so satisfied and
in such good humor with himself, by her own
sweet ways, that
None saw her but TO love her
None named her but to praise
Where Judge Goldsmith found such woman
was puzzle to Mr.. Mannering, who had been
accustomed to regard them all as a sort OF twad-
die always excepting his mother Tie marvel
led at Mrs Goldsmith and surrendered to her ms
most undsguiSed ard reverent admiration
Is It possible he mentally calculated that
l have been 50 many years of my life mistaken
in the sex, or is this glorious woman ono OF a
thousand that Solomon never .foundl l believe
she has not per on earth! Who can wonder
that Goldsmith never travels without her by ms
side-ueyer takes a meal from home If he car
help it-never spends an evening away from hei
unless compelled by the camoruus demands q
lmsinessl Who can be surprised, that after 8
HONEYMOON Of twenty years, he is still doating
lovcrl
would feel towing in such n loving way with w!
gray hair! How would l feel twining my arm