Herald of the times. [volume] (Newport, R.I.) 1849-1856, 1855-03-08
X. q PhilanJler DOcsticks At.
tend> u Ladies' Fair,


liable amusement exploit was attending
Ladies Fair in aid Of the Poor, which was
given by the benevolent ladies' of the
Church of the Holy Poker. Dampcol
(who can't give up city associations, and
who wouldn't read his Bible if it wasn't
printed in New York; hal sent 10 me from
his rural solitude to procure him dressing
gown, pair of slippers, and crocheted
worsted comforter. Though, ] couldn't
have better opportunity 81 went to the
Fair.
Got to the Hall, paid my twenty-five
cents at the door, went in--saw plenty Of
long tables, with ladies' behind them play
ing keep store'-tables covered with mys-
terious articles Of baby-lnen, and compli-
Gated pieces OF female harness, designed for
uses TO me unknown, and also all sorts Of
lmpracticable unnecessaries intended for
gen'lemen-slippcr. that you couldn't get
on-smokng-caps that could never, by any
possibility, fit anybody (shaped like a Chi
nese pagoda, and full OF tinsel and spang-
les to make Them pIickly,) cigar cases,
that you couldn't get cigar into without
breaking boil ends of (perhaps they ex.
pect US to smoke stubs like the news-boy),
pin cushions stuffed SO hard they would
turn the point Of marlin .spikc-watch-
cases just big enough 10 hold a threc-eent
piece, pen wpers that fill the point Of a pen
full cf woodland divers other nOusensi cal
inconvenenccs fabricated by specializing
females, The patterns being always very
short, and the stitches very long q sup
pose they think VIC don't know the differ
ence) to palm off upon vicimized gentle
men and they resi- signcdly submit tc
price so e1orbilanl that if Chatham street
Israri,c had the impudencc 10 ak il they'd
straightcn ont his fi,h.hsok nose like a
darning- needle.
The pret'icst looking girls are always
placed where the least attractive looking
merchandise is displayed, ard they ask the
biggest kind Of prices, trusting to the gal.
iantry Of The gentlemcn not to beat them
down. fiutterng themselves, suppose,
that their Pretty looks are value received
for the exchange. One consequence of
this arrangement is,ihat every buyer spends
all the money he has in his purse, taking
in exchange therefore a lot of stuff so VI
terly useless, and 80 ridieulously absurd,
that afic- having it on his table for week
or so to laugh at, he is fain 10 get rid Of the
rubbish by giving the whole to his chamber
maid. Sometimes your purchases will hold
together till You leave the room, and some
times not you must show yourself man,
and equal 10 either fortune
There is post office-pretty girl called
me, had letter for mc--bought it-paid
ten cents-nolhing in it-ba,k. Solicit
Gus young lady very anxious to have me
give her twenty live cents to tell me how
much ! weished-paid her the money,
and she told me within fifty one pounds
and a half-young woman wanted me to
invest in the grab bag'-gave halfa dollar
and fshed in-got, in three times trying a
tin whistle, half stick of candy, and pea
nut done up in tissue paper.
Wen, on TO the auction table, where after
much competition with a ringetted miss,
(who was put there to make Peter Funk
bids against probable purchasers,) succeed
cd in bidding in China vase, which |
soon discovered had Il hole in the bottom,
and wouldn't hold water any more than it
would bake pork. If | had bought itany-
where else, should have thought | had
been swndled, and have demanded my mo.
ney back. but here, supposed it VAS an
exempitica,ion OF omefnewly discovered
principle Of fair dealing, with which was
no, yet acquainted. Was much amu.ed
the way they disposed of the unsold goods
certain number Of articles, Qhings left at
the tables tended by the honoly girls) and
for each article twenty tickets were
put mo hat, whence they were drawn
out singly, and thelIast tickets drawn were
to have the prizes-,houd have thought
twa. lottery, il | had not been ncquaint-
cd with the ladics, and known they
wouldn't do anything so naughty.
Came to place where an old lady, with
steel spcctaclcs, was cutting up "a loaf Of
cake into particularly small piece asked
what il meant-was told there was 4 gold
ring somewhere in the cake, and they pro-
posed to sell each piece for quarter Of
dollar, and give the ring to the lucky buyer
wondered if it wasn't another lottery on
a small scale, but supposed it couldn't be
went TO the supper.room. 1t is a curions
metropolitan fact that at parties, balls, or
Wherever q refreshment-iabc is spread,
every man seems to regard il his just duty
to I'll himself to the very. mouth with all
tho 'delicacics Of The season. and to accom-
psb il in the least time possible-as II he
was a gun, and anxio. to ascertain his
calibrc, and find out how quickly he could
be- loaded in case of necessity, And the la
dies are not far behind this evening,
learned how much female can eat, in
charitable causc--a palc-laced ballroom
beliefs modern Sphinx gastronomic
problem, whose solution will probably new
CT be satisfactorily ssposndcd.