The national era. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1847-1860, 1855-05-03
Is For the National Era ~
A CHAPTER FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.


post Office. The postmaster was still behind
his little range Of boxes, busily asserting the
mails for, in my eagerness, had not allowed
time for its distribution. With FACILITATING
heart l watched him letters and papers few
about with uncomfortable rapidly; now
brown, now white-enveloped missive darted
into the boxes below, above, around our own,
bat that remained empty when the separating
board was let down between him and the outer
world. Sick with disappointment, turned
away; now censuring Louis for negligence,
now laying the blame upon some distant office.
Towards night sailed forth again, and this
time was rewarded. The letter came, directed
to me in Louis's clear, compact handwriting.
felt tit was thick-it must be long letter;
but I would not open it till / was alone, and
could enjoy it fully. So, when l reached the
sitting room, all a-glow with the cheerful light of
fire and candles, threw the rest of "the mail"
upon the table, and fastened up stairs, to re-
move my cloak and bonnet, carrying with me
tho solitary, precious treasure. Once in my
own room, / broke the seal with trembling
haste The first words" Ny dear cousin p
chilled me the remainder completed my dis
appointment Alas / had forgotten, for the
moment, our arrangement. Ny heart, full of
love, had thought to find in this first letter
something like its own warmth and longing.
But no; it was a most kind and cousinly epis-
tle full of news about his own family and our
mutual acquaintance, with some discussion of
the books he was reading, and several items of
local gossip, which he thought might interest
mamma. 1t was indeed stone, where l had
demanded bread. Next day re-read it in
calmer frame of mind, and could detect where
his love had striyen to show itself through the
veil of ordinary language and commonplace
remark How all such evidence delighted me!
Days and weeks went on, and gradually
became more content. Always before, had
been noted for giddiness, and certain wild
flow of spirits, inconvenient to soberer men,
bers of the household. That was over now !;
a woman who loves may be cheerful, but seldom
exuberantly gay, apart from him who is dear
to her. The change pleased my mother great
ly, and she often expressed her Joy that Bella
was taking so good turn, and growing quiet,
sensible girl, instead of the romp she used
to be.
l had always q fondness, though not very
discriminating taste, for reading poetry and
novels, good, bad, or Indifferent, just as the
case might be, had formed the staple of my in
tellectual nourishment Now, however, felt
longing for something more. Louis had a
strong, vigorous mind, and / was DESTROYS, in
my little way, to become worthy its companion
ship. So read and treasured up books of
higher, graver cast, and took delight in think
ing how Louis, when he knew of them, would
approve my efforts. Often / had occasion to
wonder at the strange accuracy with which
these writers delineated thoughts and emotions.
/ puzzled myself with inquiring how much of
this apparent marvel might be attributed to
chance or to coniecture-how much to iutui-
ton or actual experience. Oftener was sur
prsed at the affectation, the rneretricious ornar
ment, with which even famous authors over.
laid their works. Nothing, l think, gives us
such capacity to distinguish between the true
and the false in sentiment, as the existence in
ourselves of real and abiding passion.
About this time accident threw in my way
several works of Jean Paul; in them found
an intellectual life, the highest l had yet en-
countered. Ny best solace in that home-sick-
ness of the heart, that longing for the actual
presence of the beloved, which will occasion
ally overcome us, was gained from the pages of
the gentle German. Who ever was, or will be-
like him? So kindly when severest-so hu-
morous, even in sadness-so wise, yet simple,
too-he offers us the strangest contrarieties
and combinations. Yet, like his own Sieben-
kas, he is ever true to God and Nature and
most loveable, even in his fantastic, widest
moods. Afterwards, when became somewhat
familiar with Goethe, and recognised in him
an intellect vastly higher, nobler, more serene,
/ could not deny Jean Paul the best place in
my regard. l venerated the lofty genius of the
one, but to the warm, human heart of the other,
my own responded with the quickest sympathy.
1t was now that began, for the first time,
to understand and appreciate music. Before, it
had been to me only as pleasant sound; but
love awakened in me new sense. / no longer
heard with the outward ear alone, but with the
inward soul. The majesty of Handel, the charm
ing grace of Mozart, tie tender pathos of Schu-
bert, by turns subdued and thrilled me with
gentle or sublime emotion. Religion ceased to
be cold, unmeaning form my affections turned
toward the kind Giver with tender gratitude
unknown before. / do not suppose it was a
very holy or acceptable Offering but it was
better, certainly, than the impassive selfshness
with which | had hitherto received and enjoyed
His benefits l felt that l was different, that
an ennobling change was at work in my nature,
and reioiced in the knowledge. Not because
it ministered to my own qualification, made me
more admired or admirable, but because Louis
would be pleased with it. To him and his ap-
proval 1 referred every thought and action of
my daily life. He knew nothing of my studies,
for by that name Idigni6ed my course ofreading
and diligent piano practice.) wished toaurprise
him when we met again. My letters were on
ordinary topics; occasionally gave utterance
to some idea or feeling which it seemed might
interest him. Sometimes few words of fonder
meaning escaped involuntarily from my pen,
and l did not erase them. His replies were
very dear to me; no longer sought in them
the warmth of love-, but only the kindness due
to our relationship. In this they never failed.
II was my greatest pleasure to recognise in
them the evidences of his mind and taste, and
to think, with harmless vanity, that l could
appreciate him better than he was aware.
Twas always a passionate admirer of beauty I;
the want of it in a woman appeared to me that
objectionable sin for which no talent or virtue
could atone Ny own pale face and plain fea.
lures grew doubly distasteful, when the wish
arose to please personally the man loved. In
this respect l saw, or fancied, some improve
ment. Nv eyes seemed darker and more ex-
pressive; had often a bright color in my
cheeks in fine, believed myself, if not pref
ty. at least tolerable; though not likely to
charm, yet not quite certain to repel.
The winter months were over, and March
came on, less stormy and clustering than usual.
During its early days, the obstacle to our en-
gagement was removed, and / could now feel
sure that Louis, in his promised April visit,
would unfold the matter TO my parents, and ask
their consent; that knew, would not be want
ing. With what mixture of happiness and
impotence, of eager longing and delicious
hope, awaited his comingl Every morning
I awoke with the thought, $50 many days, and
he will be herel" Every night was glad that
one day less remained. April at last arrived,
and, with it, Louis. b