Carroll free press. [volume] (Carrollton [Ohio]) 1834-1861, 1855-01-11
Yours, entirely.

SKI IIT,
feel that after this, Mr. Editor, need give
you no more reports Of third persons, but will
nevertheless detail some Of my own personal
experience Of the article / caused some to be
applied to the Washtensw Bank after its failure,
aud while the Balsam lasted, the Bank redeem
ed its notes with specie. The cork of one Of
the bottles dropped on the head Of a childless
widow, and 10 six weeks she had young and
blooming husband. Administered some to
hack driver in glass of gin and sugar, and
that day he swindled but seven people, and
only gave two Of them bad money in change
Gave few drops gratis to poor woman who
was earning precurious substance by making
calico shirts with One-eyed needle, and the
next day she was discovered to be heir to a
large fortune.
The Kuow-NOthing candidate for Mayor Of
the city has sent for bottle, and it has cured
him Of a violent verbal diarrhea. Gave some
to an uptown actor. and that night he said
damned only twenty-One times. One of the
daily papers got the uext dose, and in the next
edition but one there were but four editorial
falsehoods, seven indecent advertisements, and
two columns and a half Of home made Foreign
Correspondence" Caused fifteen drops to be
given to the low comedian of Broadway thea.
tire, and that night he was positively dressed
more like a man than a monkey-actually
spoke some lines of the author-mads only
three attempts at puerile wittcisms- only twice
went out Of his way to introduce some grossly
indelicate line into his part, and for wonder,
lost so much Of his self-conceit that for full
half hour be did not believe himself the great
est comedian in the world. Gave some to
news boy, and he manufactured but three fires.
a couple of murders, and one horrible railroad
accident, in the next thirty minutes.
Put some on the outside Of the Crystal Pal
ace, and the same day the stock went from 90
up to A.. Our whole Empire City is entirely
changed by the miraculous power of 'Doestrk's
Patent, Self Acting Four Horse Power Balsam'
The gas is lighted on the dark nights, instead
OF moonlight evenings there are no more high
way robberies in the street, or if there are the
offenders, when arrested, art Instantly disc arr
ged by the police magistrate No more build
ing materials on the sidewalks no more mid
night murders no more Sunday rows ; no
more dirty streets, no more duels in Hoboken.
and no more lies in the newspapers. Broadway
is swept and garnished; the M, P.'s are civil;
and the pOys don't steal any more dogs
In fact, so well content are we now with our
,ty, that we feel. .as the Hibernian poet so beau
tifuly says
20, if there be an Elysian on earth,
1t is this-t is this"
Orders for my Balsam, accompanied by the
money, will be Immediately attended to; other
wise, not, for my partner and have resolved
to sell for cash only, feeling as did DR., Young
who appropriately aud feelingly remarks
1--WE take no notes on time &"
Triumphantly Yours;
DR.. @. R. PHILANDER DoEsTIoKs. P. B., M. D
P. s. Bull Dogge says have piled it up too
strong, and that no one will believe what he
calls THAT humbug about the newspapers, and
the preposterous nonsense concerning the
Broadway Actor" am aware that in these
instances my medicine has performed mod
ern miracle. but the facts remain "no less true
than strange"
In D D u D D N n