Gallipolis journal. [volume] (Gallipolis, Ohio) 1837-1919, 1855-08-09

IHE THREE TESTS--DUT, 4FS AMI
CAN'r.-But, If and Can't are three
arrant knaves in our language-double-
faced varlets, whose true character
should be held up to public detestation.
This we now propose to attempt. And
first OF all, we notice
"BuT."
All persons who speak the English
language should, in certain cases, en-
tirely ignore the word but. But is
low, mean, evasive scamp, mostly in the
way of ones duty, or at the bottom OF
some subterfuge. Were we to ask,
point blank, concerning neglected du-
ties. we should almost invariably find
that it would have been done, but
There it is, but. How sadly that mon
osyllable interferes between truth and
faisehoodl 1t can neither be reckoned
in the category of truths nor of false
hoods. It has a sort of sinking look,
with its head hanging down, as if con-
scious of its own despicsbleness, and
seems as if it would, if it could, crawl
awav behind, or into the shade, or any
where except into the broad daylight.
What a miserable shuttleeock life it
leads; banded from king to beggar,
used by minister and people, man and
woman, the only wonder is. that its ex-
istence has not been long since cut
short, torn to shreds, or trampled under
foot. 1t is not like the blunt open no!
which at once tells the truth or utters a
lie. But has no such quality; it seeks
by underhand means to establish itself
in the light of no or a yes! All Its
efforts are, however, generally unayall-
ing. Persons of good sense would not
endure its slipping away kind OF char
acter; they would rather make the ras-
cal hold up his head, and at once, with
out evasion, without going about the
bush, state the matter on hand distinct
". 1t would fain, if wrong, endeayor
in the face of truth, to make itselfright.
"You didn't do that work yesterday"
"No. but" There IS that execra-
BILE but. Will no cne take it, neck and
crop, throw it into Lethe, and rid hu-
manity of such bore? Will nobody
put it in irons, hang, draw and quarter
it? Will no photographer take his knife
and erase it from column B? If not,
what are we to do? Honest folks ought
not to have such an abandoned charac-
ter following at their heels, sounding In
their ears, and meeting them full in the
face at every turn. No. decidedly not;
there might be means taken by which
it could be put down. think, were
every one who has contracted an ac-
quaintance with it to avoid it steadily
for the future, we might have expecta-
tions of leading a life free from doubt
Ny advice is, whenever you see 1t ap'
proach turn your back, look right to the
other side of the way, give it the "cut
direct" No fears of hurting its feel
ings; it is quite accustomed to rebuffs
of the sort. By thus treating 1t, you
wi ! give it no alternative than to sink
away into darkness, and JON its eldest
son falsehood, in the public pillory,
there to be bespattered with the rotten
eggs of reproach and contempt.
"1F."
What wonders people would have
done, would do, or intend doing, if
If is very nearly allied to but, and ough'
to be treated, in many cases, much II
the manner we have recommended. Ii
truth if is sad miscreant. 1t has beer
the cause of so many broils, contentious
mishaps, mistakes, and, may add, mis-
deeds, that it is a wonder it is not dis
carded from society, and that people are
not afraid of coming into contact with
it.
Nv veryfrst meeting with this fright
full if inspired me with great fear.
recollect on the occasion of my breaking
a willow-pattern plate. my mother ex
claiming, eff l were at you" Ther
followed something else to which my
infantiIe legs did not detain me to listen
The monstrous if was quite enough, fol
l fed. At evening my mother and the
if together wreaked their united ven
geance on me, the one on my trousers
. and the other on my mind in the shap'
of-"IfI had taken care, ETC." eff my
. father knew, etc." eff l ever did, etc.
eff were to do so again, etc. etc.
, This incident so terrified me that be
came suspicious of any one who said
, "If you pIeasel' On looking back
, find have been perfect martyr to ii
After breaking the plate, like other Ju
$ veniles fell into so many mishaps, ant
, so many ifs fell in their turn upon me
! that it was decided l should be sent t
school, and see if l could do any goo
there. The teacher received me with
pat on the head, and an eff was goo
. bow should learn nicely" There a.
= ready was an if. Ny third or fourth a
phabet lesson brought another terribl
!, if along with it. The master asked m
6 to name a letter indicated on a larg
: blackboard with cane. I said, p
= He then pointed to q, and again 1 ar
swered p. Then came the shocking i
= . eff" said the pedagogue, "p isq ho'
:. can q be p?" which logical question h
followed up with practical applicatio
: of the subject with his cane on my sbou
= ders. Then when l got a slate, and ha
: : been working with great zeal and enel
gy, beginning to think that il had fOl