The south-western. [volume] (Shreveport, La.) 1852-1870, 1855-05-30
Professor Bimelech Van Tassel says, some

women do to good singers. Struggles mas
WAYS been trying 10 get rich, but all to noPus
pose. During the war with Mexico, Struggle
invented a machine for turning out thousan
wooden legs in an hour. The day after b
completed it, peace was declared, leavln
Struggles with 10 cords of stspiled timber Q
hand. Last summer he got up machine 1c
opening oysters. He just got 1t so that
"would work" when the papers came out VII
a statement, that oysters were 'pzen, an
that nobody should visit Princess bay VII
wishedao occupy a place in the next censu:
This ruined Struggles again. He sold his IN
vention to a saw fler, taking his note, payab3l
in 60 days. The proceeds he deposited in til
Diddleton bank, which failed the next day
leaving Struggles the owner of two shirts an
an unpaid washerwoman. A few weeks sine
our friend got up another idea, continuance
by means Of which he thinks pegging avis Cal
| be so planted that trees shall spring from them
bearing boots and brogans. But, as he says
"where's the use?' In less than week afte
he gets things "under way again, all thu
children that come into the world would bt
born without legs. Struggles is getting very
low spirited, and is now reading about aconlte
We can't say that we wonder at it.
AS lady of the Fortesque family, who pos
sessed great personal beauty, was walking
along a narrow lane, she perceived just behind
her hawker of earthenware, driving an ass
with two panniers, laden with bis stock IN trade.
To give the animal and his master room to
pass the lady suddenly stepped aside, which
so frightened the donkey that he ran away,
and had not proceeded far when he fell and a
great part of the crockery was broken. The
lady in her turn became alarmed, lest the man
should load her with abuse, if not offer to in
suit her, but he merrily exclaimed, "Never
| mind, madam; Balaam's ass was frightened by
an angel"
A most interesting sight to see, is that of
Young lady with clips like rubies,'' and with
teeth of pearly whiteness," and with cheeks
that have stolen the "deep carnation Of the
deathless rose,'' with her mouth full of ginger
bread!
There is, at the lowest calculation, five
hundred pages, royal octave volume, of mean
ing in the twenty-seven words which follow:
"a fool in high station is like man on the
top of monument-every thing appears very
small to him, and he appears small to every |
BODY
At revival not long since, an old lady pray
ed ferventy for the young lambs of the flock.
A lady in black, not to be outdone by sister
Walton, responded, and blandly asked who
was to pray for 'sthe old ewes" This set the
in roar.
Cash helps along counting amazingly. 1t is
astonishing what balls and suppers, bracelets,
love of bonnet suburban rides and pic
nics, will do towards expanding the feminine
heart, and getting into the fathers house.
Nature is shockingly mmodest Till chill
lren are taught "what is what they would
rs soon run round with nothing on their arms
md legs as they would in breeches and petit :
oats Blushing is an artificial commodity,
md came into the market with knowledge and
nantua makers. h
"Dear me, how fuidly does be talk!' ex
laimed Mrs. Darlington recently, at temper
nee lecture. II am always rejo!ned when he
1ounts the nostrum, for his eloquence warns
lie in every nerve and cartridge of my body. s.
-erdigrese couldn't be more smooth than his
lessed tongue isl 's
A yankee in Iowa has taught ducks to swim
hot water, and with such success, that they
y boiled eggs.
A quaint writer has defined time to be ttthe
ehicle that carries every thing into nothing" n
The Knickerbocker Magazine, which Of all q
yer printed is the most excellent for variety,
parking wit, keen satire, and attractive Incl d
ent has the following exquisite moroccan in
he shape of 'tfuneral sermon on a hard "
ase. 1t says:
GA friend of ours from the south (whose ia
ors we respectfully solicit) mentioned the g
Their day funeral sermon which he heard in
forth Carolina not long since, that set even II
ur associate owl wnking. Parson s-,a
ather- eccentric character, was called upon to a
preach the funeral" of hard case named q
ANN, which he did in the following style:-
My beloved brethren and sistern: if our de-
arted brother Ram would awanted somebody il
} tell lies about him, and make him out a bet V
# man than he was, he wouldn't achoose me e
} preach his funeral. No, my brethren, he's n
} be held up as burnin' and a shnin' light q
} warn you from the error of your ways
lie kept horses, and he run'd EN-; he kept
hickens, and he fou't em; he kept women, Y
nd there sits his widow, who can prove it,
The widow sat directly in front of the pulpit,
nd here gave an affirmatory nod. Our de-
arted brother had many warnings, brethren. !
he first warnin' was when he broke his leg,
ut he still went on in the error of his ways
he second warnn' was when his son Pete
ung himself in Jail; and the last and greatest
amin of all was when he died himself" The
reacher then enlarged on these topics until
e sunk Ram SO low that his hearers began to
oubt whether he would ever get him up again,
nd, as is usual in funerals, . land him safely
Abraham's bosom. This was the object of
Re second part Of the sermon, which started
# thus: my brethren there'll be great mira
les, great miracles in heaven. And the first
liracle will be, that many of you expect to
nd there you wont see there. The people
lat go round with long faces, maxim long
rayers, won't be there; and the second mira V
lie will be that many of you don't expect to P
nd there, as some perhaps won't expect to 0
nd our dear departed brother Ram, you'll \
nd there; and the last and greatest miracle
ill be, to find yourselves there There is
OF one single word of exaggeration, said the
arrator, in it, It is literal transcript.
entlemeR's Clothing g. Furnishing Goods.
40 ENOS & WOOD have just received from >aa
Hi New ork large supply of cloths, cassi- hA
IL meres and vestings of every variety and Ii
ittern, and also keep constantly on hand large and
ell selected assortment of ready made Clothing, ,
oots Shoes, Hats and Caps In addition the fore
,inp thew in of rnntIanan,s shine