Gallipolis journal. [volume] (Gallipolis, Ohio) 1837-1919, 1855-07-12

UOndlly, Wnen-HncIncT IL was nrIc
faintness, to this day 1 do not know
fell senseless to the earth. And fol
weeks remained senseless with brain
fever, from what was believed the terri
bic shock my system had undergone al
seeing my dearest friend perish so miser.
ably before my eyes. This belief help
ed much to soften mems hearts, and tc
give me place in their sympathy, nev,
er given me before.
When l recovered, that dark shadow
still clung silently to me; and whenever
attempted to speak the truth-and the
secret always hung clogging to my
tongue-the same scene was gone thro
as before;-I was struck down by an
invisible hand, and reduced perforce tc
silence. l knew then l was shut out
from expiation-as had shut myself
out from reparation in my terrible deed
Day and night. day and night! always
haunted with fierce thoughts Of sin, and
striving helplessly to express it.
/ had now come to that time in my
life when must choose profession.
resolved TO become physician, from the
feeling of making such reparation to hu-
manity as l was able, for the life l had
destroyed. 1 thought if 1 could save
life, if l could alleviate suffering, and
bring blessing instead of affiiction, that
I might somewhat atone for my guilt
If not to the individual, yet to humani-
ty at large. No one ever clung TO apro-
fession with more ardor than l under
took the study of medicine; for it seem
ed to me my only salvation. if indeed
that were yet possible salvation to be
worked out not only by chastisement
and control of my passions, but by ac-
tive good among my fellow men.
shall never forget the first patient l
attended. 1t was painful case, where
there was much suffering;--and to the
relations-to that poor mother above
all-bitter anguish. The child had
been given over by the doctors; and l
was called in as the last untried, from
despair, not from hope; l ordered new
remedy; one that few would have the
courage to prescribe. The effect was
almost miraculous, and as the little one
breathed freer, and that tsweet, soft sleep
of healing crept over her, th ,hick
darkness hanging around me lightened
perceptibly. Had solved the mystery
of nv future? By work and charity
should 1 come out into the light again?
and could deeds of reparation dispel that
darkness which mere objectless pun
mere mental repentance
could not touch?
This experience gave me renewed
courage; devoted myself more ardent
ly to my profession, chiefly among the
poor and without remuneration. Had
l ever accepted money, believe that all
my power would have gone. And as l
saved more and more lives, and tighten
ed more and more the heavy burden of
human suffering, the dreadful shadow
grew fainter.
Twas called suddenly to dying lady.
No name was given me, neither was her
station in life nor her condition told me.
hurried off without caring to ask ques-
tions; careful only to heal. When l
reached the house, / was taken into
room where she lay in faiHting fit on
the bed. Even before l ascertained her
malady-with that almost second sight
of practical physician--her wonderful
beauty struck me. Not merely because
it was beauty, but because it was face
familiar to me, though new;
speaking of former love; al
though, in all my practice. had never
loved man or woman individually.
l reused the lady from her faintness,
but not without much trouble. 1t was
more like death than swooning. and
yielded to my treatment stubbornly.--
l remained with her for many hours;
but when / left her she was better. l
was obliged to leave her, to attend
poor workhouse child.
had not been gone long-carrying
with me that fair face lying in its DEATH
ike trance with all its golden hair scat.
tered wide over the pillow, and the blue
lids weighing down the eyes, as one
carries the remembrance of sweet song
lately sung-carrying it, too, as a tails
man against that dread shadow which
somehow clung closer to me to night;
the darkness, too, deepened into its orig
inal blackness, and the chill lying heay-
lily on my heart again--when messen-
ger hurried after me, telling me the lady
was dying, and l was to go back imme-
diately. 1 wanted no second bidding.
In moment, asit seemed TO me, was
in her room again. 1t was dark.
The lady was dying now, paralysed
from her feet upward. 1 saw the death
sting mount higher and higher; that
faint, blush ring with which death mar
ries some of his brides. l bent every
energy, every thought to the combat.
l ordered remedies so strange to the or
dinary rules of medicine, that it was
with difficulty the chemist would pre-
pare them. She opened her eyes full
upon me, and the whole room was filed
with the cry of "Murderl'' They tho't
the lady had spoken feverishly in her
death-trance. / alone knew from whence
that cry had come.
But I would not yield, and 1 never
quailed nor feared for the result. 1
knew the power ! had to battle with, and
| knew, too, the powers / welded