The American patriot., 1855-03-28
HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

ton (which enjoys the greatest amount Of
happiness, the bachelor or the married man?
Mr.. President and Gentlemcn-I rise to ad |
vocatc the cause of the married man. And
why should not? claim to know something
about the institution, do. Will any gentle
man pretend to say that 1 do not Let him
accompany me home. Let mo confront him
with my wife and seventeen children, and de-
eide.
High as the Rocky Mountains tower above
the Mississippi Valley, does the character Of
the married man tower above that Of a bachel-
or. What is a bachelor? What was Adam
before he got acquainted with Evep What
but poor shirtess, helpless, insignificant
creature? No more to be compared with his
after-self than u milldam to the great roaring
cataract of Niagara. EApplause.]
Gentlemen, there was time, l blush to say
it, when too was a bachelor; and a more mis-
cradle creature you would hardly expect to
find. Every day l toiled hard, and at night l
came home to my comtortlcss garret--no car
pet, no fire, no nothing. Everything was in a
clutter, and in the words Of the poet,
Confusion was monarch of all he surveyed"
Here lay pair of pants, there dirty pair
Of boots, there play-bil and here a dirty
pile of clothes What wonder that l took
refuge at the gaming table and bar-room. !
found it would never do, gentlemen, aud in a
lucky moment vowed to reform. Scarcely
had the promise passed my lips, when knock
was heard at the door, and in came Susan
Simpkns after my dirty clothes
Mr.. Spicer,' says she, I've washed for you
six months, and hav'nt seen the first red cent
in the way of payment. Now I'd like to know
what you are going to do about it ??
l felt in my pockct-book. There was nothing
in it, and knew it well enough
Miss Simpkins, said !, it's no use denying
it. haven't got the pewter. wish for your
sake had
There said she promptly, Il don't wash
another rag for YOU
Stop says i. Susan will will do what
l can for you. Silver and gold have I none;
but il my heart and hand will do, they are at
your service
Are you in carcst?' says shc looking lit.
tie suspicious.
Never more So says /.
'Thcn, says she, 'as there seems to be no
prospect of getting my pay any other way, l
guess I'll take up with your Offer
Enough said. We were married in a week;
and what's more, we haven't repented it. No
more antics for me, gentlemen. live in
good house, and have somebody to mend my
clothes When was poor miserable bachel-
or, gentlemen, l used to be as thin as weasel.
Now am as plump as porker.
In conclusion, gentlemen, if you want to be
a poor ragged devil, without a coat to your
back, OF q shoe to your foot; if you want to
grow old before your time and as uncomforta-
bic, generally, as a 'heg-hog rolled up the
wrong way, l advise you to stay bachelor;
but if you want to live decently and respecta-
bly,, get married. I've got ten daughters gen
tlemen, loverpowering appause] and you may
have your pick.
Mr oC
plaudits. The generous proposal with which
he concluded secured him five son-in-laws.
Isn't it strange how circumstances alter
cases? When the price Of -four falls, the mcr-
chants don't hear Of it for a week or ten days
afterwards; but when it rises, somehow or
other, the news spread in half an hour.
God pity the man who has nothing to do.
ldleness is the mother Of more misery and
crime than all other causes ever thought or
dreamed Of by the profoundcst thinker, or the
wisest theorist
A PATRIARCH LOCATED A clergyman,
preaching a sermon on some particular patri-
arch, was extremely high in his panegyric, and
spoke of him as far excelling every saint in
the calender. He took view of the celestial
hierarchy, but in vain he could not assign to
his saint place worthy SO many virtues as he
|
"Where, then, can we place this great pa
triarch ?"
One of the congregation, tired at last of the
repetition, exclaimed
Gas am going away, you may put him in
my pew"
BARNuM SELLING PICS - Banum having
given up the menagerie and circus has gone
into the pig business. The New Haven Paa-
dunn says that, being "anxious to introduce
the Suffolk breed of swine" among the people
in the vicinity of Bridgeport, he twill sell
about dozen Suffolk pigs at the ordinary
prices Of common swine" We advise the
Bridgeport people who buy pigs of Barnum to
make themselves certain beforehand that his
Suffolk breeds are not common grunters
with their backs scraped and noses shortened.
SoLEMNIry OF AN OATH.-A correspondent in
Ottawa county, Michigan, from whom we are
always glad to hear, gives us the following
"Sccnc in the Mayors court at Grand Rapids"
Mayor Church presiding. Witness called up
to be sworn by the clerk.
Clerk-You do solemnly swear-
Mayor with d:gnity)-stop! Tho witness
will hold up his right hand.
Clerk-The man has no right hand your
Honor.
Mayor with some aspcrity)-Let him hold
up his left hand, then.
Clerk--Ee has had the misfortune to lose
his left hand, also, as your Honor will per-
ceve.
Mayor (savagely)-Tell him to hold up his
right leg, then; a man cannot be sworn in this
court without holding up something. Silence,
gentlemen! Our dignity must be preserved!
| Witness sworn on one Lego
Ind, had 10 1honx ,%J1
winters day, got very drunk On his way