Carroll free press. [volume] (Carrollton [Ohio]) 1834-1861, 1855-01-11
mlsre.l .nrous.
From the Detroit Daily Advertiser.
DOesttcks InVents a Pal ent Medicine.
NEw YoEk, Noy, 9, 1854.
Seventy hdpdred and one, Marrow ST.,

suoa VI uhfeIsh OeneIhclor. Inc nand
which hereafter writes upon the record Of Fame
the names Of Aver, Sands, Townsend Molfat,
Morrison and Brandretb, must also inscribe,
side by side with these distinguished appella-
tons, the no less brilliant cognomsn Of the un-
dying DOesticks. Emulous of the deathly no.
tOriety which has been acquired by the medici.
nal worthless just mentioned. also resolved to
achieve n name and fortune in the same rep
utable and honest manner. Bought gallon
Oftar, cake of beeswax, ard frkin Of lard,
and in twenty.one hours | presented to the
world the 6rst batch OF 'Doesticks Patent, Self
Acting Four Horse Power Balsam,' designed
to cure all diseases Of mind, body or estate, to
give strength to the weak, money to the poor,
bread and butter to the hungry, boots to the
barefoot. decency to blackguards, and com.
mon sense to the know-nothings 1t acts phys
cicalIy, morally, mentally, pschycologicaly
phsiOlOgically and geOlOgically, and it is inten
ded to make our sublunary sphere blissful
paradise, to which Heaven itself shall be but
side-show.
I have not yet brought it to absolute periec'
ton, bat even now il acts with immense force.
as you will perceive by the accompanying testi-
monials, and records of my own Individual ex-
perience. You will observe that l have not re-
sorted to the usual manner of preparing certf-
Gates which is, to be certain that all those in
tended for Eastern circulation. shall seem to
come from some formerly unheard of place in
the West, while those sent to the West, shall
be dated at some place forty miles East of Sun
rise. But send to you, as representing the
Western country, certificate from ali Oregon
farmer
Dear SIR The land composing my farm
has hitherto been so poor that a Scotchman
couldn't get his living off it /; and so stony that
we had to slice our potatoes and plant them
edgeways but hearing Of your balsam, put
some on the corner of ten acre lot. surround
ed by rail fence, and in the morning l found
the rocks had entirely disappeared-a neat
stone wall encrcled the filed, and the rails we're
split into oven wood and piled up symmetrical
~ in my back yard. Put half an ounce into
the middle of huckeberry swamp--in two
days twas cleared. of, planted with corn and
pumpkins, and had row of peach trees in lull
bloom through the middle. AS an evidence of
its tremendous strength, would state that it
drew a striking likeness to my eldest dau ghter
drew my youngest boy out of the mill pond
drew blister all over his stomach--drew a
load of potatoes four miles to market, and even.
tually drew prize of ninety seven dollars in
the State Lottery. And the effect upon the
inhabitants hereabout has been so wonderful
that they have opened their eyes to the good Of
their country, and are determined to vote for a
Governor who is opposed to frosts in the mid
die of June, and who will make positive law
against freshets, hail-storms, and the seventeen
year ,ocusts.'
There, isn't that some But give one more
from a member of the senior class in a Western
College. who, although misguided, neglected
and ignorant, is undoubtedly as honest and sim
cere as his PrusianiEed education will admit Of
have corrected the photography. and revised
some grammatical inaccuracies (; but besides at
ending to these trihes, inserting marks OF
punctuation, and putting the capitals in the
right place, assure you have made no al.
tera6on.
SAIL HARBoR, June 81, 1854.
Nv Dear Doctor :--(Y You know attended
medical lectures half winter, and once assist
ed in getting crooked needle out Of baby s
leg, SO understand perfectly well the theory,
and practice of medicine and the Doctor is per-
fectly legitimate under the Prussian system.
By the incessent study required in this estab-
lishment. had become worn down SO thin thai
was obliged to put on an overcoat to cast q
shaddow-but accidently hearing Of your Bal
sam, obtained quantity, and, in obedience
to the Homeopathic principles of this institution
took an in6nitesimal dose only; in four days
measured one hundred and eighty-two inches
round the waist--could chop eleven cords o
hickory wood in two hours and half and OF
q bet, carried yoke Of oxen two miles and {
quarter in my left hand, my right being tiet
behind me, and if any one doubts the fact th'
oxen are still to be seen.
About two weeks after this, had the pleas
ure Of participating in a gunpowder explosion
on which occasion my arms and legs wer
scattered over the village, land my mangled re
mains pretty equally distributed throughout tn
entire county. Under these circumstances m
life was despaired of. and my classmates ha
bought pine coffin, ,and borrowed whole shirt
to attend the funeral in when the invincibl
power of your four horse power balsam (whic