Thibodaux minerva. [volume] (Thibodaux, La.) 18??-1858, 1855-01-06
T,oesticks Invents Patent Medicine.
srvyyry HUNDRED AND ONE, NARROW STREET, |
New York Civ {

coueratrate me-rny fortune is made-[ am i'm
,,,ortaIized and I've done it myself Ny name vii
ha handed down TO posterity as that OF universe
sanaf,ctor The hand which hereafter writes upoE
tha record OF Fame the names Of Ayers, Sands
Tounsend, Motfat, Morrison and Brandreth, mus
.so ;nscribe. side by side with these distinguished
.ooeIlaEoas the no less brilliant cognomen OF the
,rdvne Doesdcks. Emulous of the deathless no
.or;ety which has been acquired by the medicinal
s,rthes lust mentioned also resolved to achieve
: n.me and a fortune in the same reputable and
sa,,ost manner. Bought gallon of tar cake Of
hoas.uax and frkin of lard and in twenty-one
80 ps I presented to the world the first batch
aS q Dosstscks Patent-Selt- Acting- -Four Horse
po.osr BaIsam,' designed to cure all diseases OF
md body or estate to give strength to the weak,
.Duev 10 the poor, bread and butter to the hungry,
aos IN the barefoot decency to lackguards, and
DUv sense to the Know Nothings. 1t acts
aSvacaIlv. morally, mentally, psychologieally ply
aoiog;cajy and geologcally, and it is intended to
nala our sublunary sphere a blissful paradise to
which Heaven itself shall be but side-show.
have net vet brought it to absolute perfection,
sut erou now it acts with immense force, as you
,vIl nerce;ye by the accompanying testimonials and
,ecords Of nv own individual experience. You
iii nbaarva that have not resorted to the usual
,n.rnor of urepariny certificates: which is, to be
or.;n that All those intended for eastern circulation
sbau seem to come from some formerly unheard of
nIare in the west while those sent to the west shall
he dated at some place forty miles east OF sunrise
But I send to YOU, as representing the western
country, a certificate from an Oregon farmer:
aDear Sir: The land composing my farm has
hitherto been 90 poor that Scatehman couldn't
get his living off it, and so stony that we had to
Slice our potatoes and plant them edgeways; but
hearing Of your balsanl, put some on the corner
of tenacre lot, surrounded by rail fence, and in
the morning found the rocks had entirely disap-
peared, neat stone wall encircled the field, and
the rails were split into oven-wood and piled up
syInmetricaly in my back yard Put half an ounce
into the middle of huckleberry swamp; in two
DAYS it was cleared oil, planted with corn and
pumpkins, and had row of peach trees in full
bloom through the middle. As an evidence of its
tremendous strength, would state that it drew q
striking likeness Of my eldest daughter-drew my
Youngest boy out of the mill pond-drew blister
all over bis stomaeh-drew load of potatoes four
miles to market, and eventually drew prize Of
ninetyseven dollars in state lottery. And the
effect upon the inhabitants hereabout has been so
wonderful, that they have opened their eyes to the
good Of the country, and are determined to vote
for governor who is opposed to trosts in the
middle of June, and who will make positive law
against fleshets, hail storms, and the seventeen
years l0eusts"
There, isn't that soae2 But [ give one more
from member OF the senior classin western col
lego, who, although misguided, neglected and
ignorant, Is undoubtedly as honest and sincere as
his Prussianzed education will admit Of I have
corrected the orthography and revised some gram
NAUTICAL inaccuracies; but, besides attending to
these tifes, inserting marks of punctuation, and
putting the capitals in the right places, assure
YOU have made no alteration:
"SALL HARBoR, June 81, 1854.
My Dear Doctor: (You know attended medical
lectures half winter and once assisted in getting
Q crooked needle out Of baby's leg; 50 I under
stand perfectly well the theory and practice of
medicine, and the doctor is perfectly legitimate
under the Prussian system. By the incessant study
required in this establishment, | had become Worn
down 80 thin that was obliged to put an overcoat
ON to cast shadow-but accidentally hearing of
your balsam, Iobtaneda quantity, and, in obedience
to the homeopathic principle of this institution, took
an sminstesa1eai dose only IN four days measured
one hundred and eighty-two inches round the waist
could chop eleven cords of hickory wood in two
hours and a half; and, on bet, carried yoke of
oxen two miles and quarter in nay left hand, my
right being tied behind me; and If any one doubts
he fact, the oxen are still to be seen
About two weeks after this, had the pleasure Of
participating in gunpowder explosion, ON which
,ccasion my arms and legs were scattered over the
1iage, and my mangled remains pretty equally dis
aibuted throughout the entire county. Under
hese circumstances my life was despaired Of aud
ny classmates had bought pine coffin, and Dor
owed whole shirt to attend the funeral in; when
be invineible power of your our-horse-power bal
mn (which happened to have in my vest pocket
lufdenly brought together the scattered pieces Of
ny bedy--eollected my limbs from the rural dis
hicts. put new lite into my shattered frame, and
wv restored, uninjured, to my friends, with a new
u of double teeth. I have preserved the label
xhich enveloped the bottle, and have sewed it into
~ seat Of my pantaloons, and now bid grim
9th defiance, for feel that I am henceforth un-
.alahle, and in fact am even now generally de-
ignated the Great Western Acliles.
Yours, entirely, SKI HY.'
feel that after this, Mr.. Editor, need give you
10 more reports Of third persons, but viii never
iheiess desall some Of my own personal experience
. tle article. caused some 10 be applied to the
Y ashtenaw Bank after it's failure, and while the
aaisam hsted the Bank redeemed its notes with
pscie- The cork Of one Of the bottles dropped
upM the head Of a childless widow, and in six
sesAl she had young and blooming husband
AdIninistered some to hack driver in glass of
sin and sugar, and that day he swindled but seven
leople and only gave two Of them bad money in
asnge. Gave few drops gratis to poor woman
40 was earning prccarious subsistence by max
Il calico shirts with one-eyed needle, and the
vt day abe was discovered to be heir to 4 large