The Trinity times., 1855-01-27
DoestIcks on Elections.

philander Doesticks, whose amusing let
,ers have been widely copied, gives the fol-
lowing rs the qualifications for Office in New
York:
No one is eligible to the Office of Mayor of
this city unless he has forged draft and got
the money on it; and on ut least two separate
occasions, set fire TO his house to get the in
Surqnee on it. Candd dates for Aldermen
qualify themselves by carrying revolver,
getting beastly drunk, and stabbing police
man or two before they get sober. A Com
mon Councilman must drink with the Short
Boys, give prizes to the fremen's target en-
curslons, carry q slung-sh in his pocket, and
have personal interest ia Peter Funk auc-
ton shop. A Police Justice must gamble
little, cheat considerable, lie good deal,
and get drunk "clear through" every Satur-
day night. If he can read few easy words
and write his own name It is generally no
serious objection; but the Know Nothings
will not permit even this, on the plea that the
science of letters is Of foreign origin. A
man who can pick pocket scientifically will
make good constable. Aspirants for minor
ofices are classified according 10 desert, but
no one who has not at least, committed petit
larceny is allowed place on any regular
ticket. As TO Offices of more Importance, |
should say from what can now Judge, that
no man can ever be elected Governor of the
State unless he is guilty of successful bur-
glary, complicated with q midnight murder.
OF the modes Of voting, he furnishes the
following amusing carrlcalure:
The rival candidates in this present crisis
had called each other all the names aud ac
cused each other of all the crimes imaginable
for the preceding six wecks-Boggs had been
denounced rs the planderer Of orphans, and
seduccr Of innocent maidens, and the plferer
of hard earned coppers from the poor: Noggs,
according 10 his charitable opponents, was a
pick-pocket, a shecp.stealer, Peter Funk
and an lrishman The candidate set up by
the Know Nothings to claim votes on the
plea Of his being an immaculate American,
was proved to be the child Of q French father
and Prussan mother, and to have been
born in Calcutta. 1t was asserted that he
commenced lis education in the northern
part Of Ethiopia, continued il in Dublin, and
finally graduated at Botany Bay. Hoggs,
who had once before had the office he was
now striving for, it was asserted, had solemn
iy promised 20 pardon all the murdercrs, libe-
rate all the burglars, reward all the assassns
and present all the shoulder >hitters with an
official certificate Of good moral character,
which would also testify to their valuable
aud highly commendsble exertions in the
public behalf. Scro9gs, too yirtuous 20 be
severely handled, was merely mentioned as
having been formerly q swindler and MEM
her Of tie Common Council. Got to the
polls; man with 4 blae flag urged me to 90
for Boggs: man with red flag said vote for
;Scrcggs: man with a whia flag with red let
ters Sang ou', Go for lloggs-little boy pulled
my coat tail and whispered, Vote for Noggs-
man challenged my vote, took of my hat,
hed up my hand, and swoTe to ali sorts Of
things; told how old am, where got my
dinners, aud what my washerwoman' name
Is; got mad and did little extra swearing on
my own accoun: which was not down in the
bills, marched up in a grand procession Of
one, and poked my vote in the little hole.
The great excitement was on the liquor ques-
ton. 1t was Noggs and no liquor shops, or
BOegs and few liquor shops, Scroggs and a
plenty Of liquor shops, IIoGps and every man
his own liquor shop. Voted for iIoGgs, for
feel perfectly justified in taking an occasional
tOddy. when all Wall street is perpetually
eight Noise on the corner, niQger-boy
playing big drum, cand dates presented them
selves to the sovereign people for Inspection;
know Nothing man on a native jackaSs, cap
Of liberty on his head, and his pantaoons
made Of the American flag with the stripes
running the wrong way. independent can
'l,da-e, who wants the Irish vote and Dutch
suftraGcs, entered, borne on mortar hod,
bareiooted, with n shillelah in one hand a
whiskey bottle in the other, a Dutch pipe in
his mouth and small barrel Of beer strapped
To his back. Cold water man stood on hy-
draut, with the water turned on, and had his
pockets iul of icicles. v hiskey man borne
in drunk on 4 cart by admiring friends, who
besought the crowd TO do as he did, 60 it
blind. Special deputy who wanted to lie APP
pointed policeman, was very active, he ares
ted an apple woman, knocked down a cripple,
kicked little boy, looked the other way
while his constituents were picking pockets,
and took a little match girl up an alley and
Tranked her souudly for presuming to show
herself in the street without shoes or stock
ings--mOtto on his hat, ".Sic tier ad 0stra,"
Go ii or you'll never be a star.