The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1855-09-08
Funny Report Of Fi>hy Convention.


general The Whale was elected President
and, from his greatness, might be termed
the Prince of Whales He opened the con
vcnton by stating that he did not wish tc
make speech; he would take up as little
room, and be no longer than possible
(Cheers) The Shark whispered to IN,
Sword fish that it was not possible for tn,
Whale to be much longer, for he was eighty
feet now; in his opinion he only wanted 4
chance to spout, and he considered him a
regular old blower. The Whale contendcd
that, notwithstanding his general size (he
might add fcars,) he was not exempt from
suffering. lie had been grossly insuted by
msa.-he would ny ismpeoned; not that hs
would pun upon the use made OF his ut, a
he did not wish TO make light Of such mat.
ter He had been harpooned. at least
Men were sarcastic toward him, and his
shafts sharp and pointed. Some Of his f,l
low whales had been very much cut up and
exceedingly tried. lie had lately learned
that substitute for oil had been invented
which might lessen the persecution OF
whales; but he feared it was all gas. The
W hale alluded to harpoon which had late.
~ hit him; it had made great impression
on him, and he feared had affected him deep.
ly. Great sensation) Here his feelings
oycrpOwered him, and he sat down (on the
shark amid general blubber.
The Shark arose with some difficulty. and
remarked that the tail Of the Whale had
moved him; in fact it was very striking
Ills own situation was far from pleasant
lie was by profession a lawyer, and fat, d
himself one of the deep kind. Cheers and
laughtcr.) But business was bad, and he
had been obligel to take in few pupils. -
He hac lately presented fine opening for a
young man who fell er-board, but he was
aiterward obliged to reject his suit as indiges.
tiblc. Unless hc had more cases he should
leave TIE law and open as dentist as he was
well acquainted with the art Of setting teeth
lie then held up one fin as a signal that he
had finished
The Sea Serpent did not wish to intrude
upon the convention, as he did not know
whether he properly belonged to the fish
tribe; did not appear oiicous. All he asked
was not to be casSed with the Eel, whom he
considered slippery character. 0Iere the
Eel was observed to wrigglc.) Lately he
was quietly passing certain species Of the
Eel, when just happening to touch him, he
had been so shocked that he hardly rccov-
cred The Eel hastily rose and said he was
electrified at these remarks. 1t was evident
to him that the Scrpan, was more than half.
seas over, and If he was not careful he would
get himself into regular coil. As for his
being slippery character he thanked
Neptune he didn't belong to such scay set
at the Serpant. The Whale called the Eel to
order, and the Eel called the Whale 4 con
founded old swell-hcad, and was then sum
mlrily put out of the convention.
The Turtle was suffering from Slight in,
disposition. lie was walking ashore a short
time since, when lac met party Of Jolly
young sailors. The result was that he laid
fiat on his back, and was unable to move for
some time, and since he had not felt as live
ly a usual. There was one thing 10 which
he would call the attention of the convention;
he pridei himself upon iiir ruspy VI his ~,
liticAl principles he was The a'd~rm1n's best
friend. The Shark had lately insultcd him
by calling him Irregular old hard shell. -
Here the Shark interrupted him by asking
him il that was not his case? The Turtle
replied that hc should say nothin. more at
present, but should have something to lay
before the next meeting. The Shark replied
contemptuousy, "les, few cgss, probab-
ly.'
The porpoisc did not exactly understand
the purpose OF the convention, nor whctht 7
all the members were present. She Secrcta.
~ should call the roll. The Whale called
him to order, and was sorry to see him reel
ng about in that disgraceful condition. His
motion was entirely ont OF order, and he ap-
peared to be attempting 10 get up a rcvolu.
ton. The POrpoisc assured the convention
that his movements proceeded entirely from
the motion Of the waves, but still would
waive his motion. He then took back seat
amid cries of You're blower ~
The President remarked that he would be
happy to hear from some Of the small fry
the Oyster, Lobster, and Others, who, f"no,
the bone and sinew" of the tribe, were a,
least the muscles. The Oyster proceeded to
open his case, which was a hard one. lie
was continually in trouble, and always in
some stew or broil. lie had family trouble
also; his half family brother, the Clam, was
a disgrace to the family always in liquor
and generally considered "a squirt" Some
ofhis family were very lazy, aud spent most
ofthcir time in bed. There had also been
some rakcs among them, creating a great
disturbance. He was the most respectabl,
himself; his father was quite distiI guishcd
and his maternal ancestor, was "Mother o.
Pearl lie went in for his own rights, and
did not care whether the rest got their OF
not. (Thc Jewish remarked that "dot wa,
very sciish.") The Oyster continued -
There was one of his ncghbors--he woult
not call any names-who was very surly ant
grabbed tkat he was one sided individual
and no one approved of his motions. The
Crab protested against this abuse, and sal,
the rest took advantage of him because h,
was soft" lie respectfully retired back
ward
Here the Goldfish entered, and apologizet
for his latcncss, as he had been visiting
school. lie thought the Whale was badl,
off, since men took his oil TO make lights of
His own case was the reverse of this they
took his lights (and liver, for that matter
to make oil Of This might be very good fol
consumption, but ii was confoundcd bad fol
him. The most alarming kind he ever hcarC
of was the consumption of goldfish. 1t nigh
= be very good fun for men TO cut him opcr
and salt him, bat to hang him up afterward,
was rather too dry n joke. The Herring
said there had been disposition manifested
to play tricks of this Kind in his school, ant
tuat latcIy .Oile VI HIS companions uau oVCi
smoked.
The shad, too, in his spring migrations UP
the rivers, had been greatly prosecuted, par
tcularly by the members OF the Legislature
Men had greatly ncttlcd him, and had ncarl,
driven him insane. He was a superstltiou'
fish, but most unucky day to him was Fri
day. However, he thought his enemies hat
suffered somewhat in the warfare, and fount
his tail n regular bony part (lhe Flatiisl
! was not particularly tatter ng in reply to th'
, Shad, for he did not believe there was I
shadow of truth in his remarks)
, The Salmon also had his troubles. liz
{ was an arstocrat, Chcre was n general turn
ing up of noses, and some tittcring,) not o
the Goldfish kind, either and did not asso-i
/ ate with the small fry. He spent most OF hi
, time in travel, and in summer went up Il
the inland rivers, and took his family to tn,
Springs and the Falls. lie had been latcl,
much afflicted and grossly maltrcatcd at th
; South. Passing up the Savannah River, hi
, family had been surrounded by party .
l. at Ia, tl,t