The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1855-03-21
COL. QlJAGG'S CONVERSION.
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Nhst was to be done with such mana
man withthis dreadful fixed idea ofstrapping
,.leryymeu---a man with an indomitable VIII,
a STRONG arm, and an abusive tongue. war
rants, summonses, exigents, and actions iof
battery, the Colonel laughed to seorn. AS
mueh law as you like" he said, "put no.
one lick will that save you" The fenaae
members of the Grace. w alking eongrega'.oh
were fain to write anonymous ie''eps " nm;
exhorting him to repentance. neTelanu
Joash M'Tear wrote to Bucfe,l" 49,
brsted table turner and spirit rapper, and
heooed her to consult four legged mahoga-
nv IF extraordinary talent and penetration
with reference TO Col. Quagg's persecution
of the saints. He received in reply highly
tlattering and interesting communication
from the spirits Of Cleopatra and his late
ROYAL Highness the Duke Of Gloucester, IN
which it was confidently predicted that short
" after the passing of the Maine liquor law
in Holland, and the adoption of Bloomerism
at the court of Queen Victoria Col Quagg
would be bound in leathern straps for hve
hundred years which, all things taken into
consideration, was not very encouraging
look out for the Grace Walkers. Then they
took to holding public meetings, mass meet
ings. indignation meetings, against him -
then to praying for him; then to praying to
be delivered from him as from a dragon or a
fiery serpent. One bright spirit of the sect
suggested bribery, either directly by the en-
closure of dollars, or indirectly by the en-
couragement of the Colonel trade in having
horses shod at his smithy. But both artif-
ces failed. The Colonel took the first ten
dollar bill that was offered him, and admins
tered more unmerciful thrashing than ordi
nary to the giver-as a receipt, he said -
The next victim happened to have horse
that opportunity cast both his front shoes in
front Of the Colonels residence. The enemy
of Grace-W Walkers shod the beast but the
only benefit that its proprietor derived was
the privilege of being beaten inside the
smithy instead of out, and the threat that the
next time he presumed to come that way he
should be laid on the anvil and beaten as fat
as wheeltire with a red hot crowbar.
This state of things was growing int0lera
BILE. The more the brethren went on preach
ing, the more the Colonel went on licking
The more they beat the
"Pulpit drum ecclesiastic
With est instead of stick"
the more Colonel Quagg proved his doctrine
orthodox
"By apostolic blows and knocks"
The Punkngton circuit began to lack min
listers. Clergymen were not forthcoming
The pulpits were deserted. The congrega-
tions began to cry out. No wonder. Devo-
rable qualities in their way, but human ma
ture, after all, is not cast iron. 1t will wres
tie with wild beasts at Ephesus, but it does
not exactly love to wrestle when the wild
beasts are twisting the bars Of their cage,
and have not had shin bone to feed On for
three weeks. To put ones head into the
lions mouth is good once in a way but it is
hardly prudent to do so when the lions tail
begins to wag, and his name to bristle and
b;o ouae m Aas h fro and fury
There was meeting held at Punkington to de-
eide upon what ministers should go the ensuing
Spring circuit just as In Europe, the Judges meet
~ arrange among themselves who shall go hang
ing, and where The question of Colonel Quagg
was debated in solemn conclave: for, though all
the other places In the circuit found ready volun
teers not one clergyman could be found to offer to
administer to the spiritual necessities OF the Rap
psrosrer brethren. Brother MTear had a bad
cold brother BrowDjohn would rather not; brother
Knash had a powerful call down Weepingwai
way; brother Bobberlink would next time-per-
haps Brother Slocum gave a more decided reason
than any of his brother ministers. He said
that he would be etarnally licked if he'd go, be-
cause he'd be sure to be considerably licked If he
went.
A brother who, up to that Time had said little or
nothing-a long, thin, loose linbered brother, with
face very like ounce more than three parts
withered-who sat In the corner of the room during
the debate. with his legs curled up very much In
the fashion of dog:-a brother, to say the truth,
entertained, for he was given to stammering,
blushing, hemming, having, scrsping with his
feet, and seemed to possess no peculiar accom-
pshment save the questionable one of shutting
one eye when he expectorated-this brother BY
name Zephanah Stockdolloger, here add ressed
himself modestly to speech;
"Thorns" he said, isn't good eating; singing
nettes Isn't pleasant handling without gloves; nor
10 thistles comfortable worn next TO tine skin
Cornsis painful. Mans skin was not made to be
aayed off him like unto the hide of wild cat
But vocation is vocation, and duty, duty. Some
l. Zephaniah Stockdolloger will go on the Rappa-
roarer location, and If Brother Brownjohn will
lone me his horse will confront the man-even
Goliah Qusgg." After which the devoted brother
shut his eyes and expectorated:
The meeting turned their guilds and expectora-
ted too but without shutting their eyes. They
adopted the long brothers disinterested proposition
mem. con- But Brother Bobberlink whispered to
Brother Slocum that he had always thought Ze-
phaniah Stoekdologer considerable of fool and
that now he knew it-that was a fact
The fire roared the sparks flew up the chimney
and the great bellows blew fercely one April
evening, and Colonel Quagg and his anvil were
In fierce dispute about red hot horseshoe The
Colonel had the advantage of hammer that
Tubal Cain might have welded when he fashioned
the first ploughshare; but the anvil was used to
hard knocks, and stood out against the blacksmith
bravely. Indeed, II a metallic vibration was to be
taken into account, the anvil had the best of Ii :
for 1t had the last word. Only the unfortunate
horseshoe came to grill; and like the man between
TWO stools who came to the ground, was battered
into all sorta of shapes between the two djspne
tants. Suddenly, Geek, the bellows blower
ceased tor moment in his occupation, and re-
marked:
One O them, Colonel, top o. the hill. On boss
Legs a. long ss a coulter
'Twankeydilloi Twankey dilo "a sung ont Col
Quagg, 10 great exultation Ie, Geek, and plentv
OF 1t tor Jack Strap, the crittur is getting as rnsty
as Old Hundred '
The fatal strap being lied rather more nbera,,v
than usual, the Colonel grasped 1t in his mishty
hand, and passed out of the smithy door
He saw, coming towards him down the hill A..
long legged, yellow faced man in black, with a
white neckcloth and a brimmed hat He bestrode
asolemn looking white horse with a long tail. He
had but one spur (the RIDER but il was q yerv Iono
and rusty spur. In his hand he carried a iittls
dog cared book; and, as he rode he SANG oui,e
softly. little hymn that ran something like The
following:
"We are marching through the gracious ground
We soon shall hear the trumpet sound
And then we shall In glory reign,
And never, never part again.
What never part againi
- No, never part again
No, never never, never, &c.
And then We shall, &C."
Colonel Quaag waited till the verse of the HYMN
was quite fniahed, and the horseman had got to
within o couple of yards of his door, when he
called ont In terrible voice:
LID I'D