Weekly hawk-eye and telegraph. [volume] (Burlington, Iowa) 1855-1857, 1855-08-22
improvements on the Immortal Bard

Improvements on the Immortal Bard.
Peter Knight was found wandering in the
l4th Ward. The officer could not determine
whether he was drunk or crazy but as he
said he had no home, he was taken in charge
as q vagrant. He had been traversing the
streets, with folded arms, talking to himself
in odd bits Of plays and poems. He pos
sesscd facility of quotation equal to Rich
ard Swiveller, Esq, but he was as reckless
about the exactitude of his extracts, and
jumbled up his authorities with rs much con-
fusion as Captain Cutie himself. He sell
dom gave quotation right, but would break
off in the middle and substitute some words
of his own, or dovetail in an irrelevant piece
from some strange author, or mixed up half
a-dozen authors with interpretations of his
own, in an lnextricable verbal tumble.
Clerk-ssWhat's your name?"
Prisoner-s'Peter Knight, am native to
the marrow bone-that's Shakespeare
Clerk-"Was you Intoxicated yesterdays"
Prisoner-"Tis true, tbs pity; pity 'tis
there isn't the devil doubt Of it-that's
Scott.''
Clerk-ssWhere did you getyour liquor ?''
Prisoner-sWhere the bee suck, there
sucks Peter Knight all the day. Thou base,
inglorious slave think'st thou will reveal
tine noble name of him who gave me wine
No stree, Bob-that's Beaumont and Fetch
er.o
Officer Gin whisper -ssIf you don't tell
you'll have to 60 to jail"
Prisoner-s'I do remember on apothecary
and hereabouts he dwells--no he don't, he
lives over in the Bowery-but in his needy
shop a Goldfish hangs, and on his shelves a
beggarly account of empty bottles; noting
this penury to myself, said, if any did need
brandy punch, whose sale is fifty dollars
fine MIDLOTHIAN, here lives catif wretch who
has probably got plenty of it under the coun-
ter. Why should here conceal my fault
Wine bo cried. The call was answered.
have no wine said he, but plenty of wits
- Silence! Thou pernicious catif, quoth
l. Thou invisible spirit of Wine, since we
can get thee by no other name, why let us
call thee gin and sugar. He brought the
juice of cursed juniper in phal, and in the
porches of my throat did pour Udolpho
Wofc's distilment. Thus was by Dutch
mans hand at once dispatohed-not drunk
nor sober, sent into this dirty Station House
three quarters tight, with all my imperfec-
tons on my head. But whether is it nobler
10 the mind to suffer the cuffs and bruises of
this bloody Dutchman or to take arms against
his red-haired highness, and by informing
end him I? | 20 and it is done. William,
here's at thy heart !! His name, your Honor,
is Bobblesnoffkin in the Brewery. That's
SHAKESPEARE mixed.
Cle-k-''Have you got home?"
Prisoner-"My home is on the deep, deep
sea-that's Plutnrch's Lives?"
l. a.
Prisoner-''Doubt thou the star are fire;
doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to
be a liar, but never doubt that I'll get liv-
ing while the oyster sloops don't have but
one watchman-that's Billey S. again"
Clerk-''Do you pay for your oysters?'
Prisoner-ssBase is the slave that pays:
the speed Of thought is in my limbs-that's
Byron.''
Clerk-ssDo you steal and then run away?''
Prisoner-ssI've told the all, I'll tell no
more, though short the story be; let me 20
back where was before, and iii get my liv-
ing without troubling the corporation-that's
Tom Moore altered to suit circumstances"
Justice evidently at loss, in whisper
to the mystiied clerk -ssl think he's crazy;
what do you think is best to do with him 90
Prisoner (overhearing) -'Of with his
head: so much-thats SHAKESPEARE curtailed.'
Justicc-'sWill you promise to dispense
with the brandy and gin if you are discharg-
ed ?''
Prisoner-sOh, Icould be happy with eth
er, were 'other dear charmer bottled up and
the cork put in-that's Dibdin with vcng-
eance.'
Justice-"What do you suppose will be-
come Of you if you 60 on in this way, living
as you have done?"
Prisoner-ssAlas poor Yorick Peter,
mean. Who knows where he will lay his
bones? Few and short will the prayers be said,
and nobody III feel sorrow; but they'll Gram
him into his clay cold bed; and bury some
body else on top of him to morrow; the min
lister will come, put on his robe, and read
the service; the choir II sing hymn; earth to
earth and dust to gravel, and that'll be the
last of Peter Knight.o
Clerk-sPeter we'll have to send you up
for ten days"
Prisoner-ssFare thee well, and if forever,
all the betser-that's Byron, revised and COR
rected. IN. Y. Tribune.
A TENANTS DREAM.-Mr. c., l had
dream the other night of most peculiar
nature. dreamed was in the presence of
his Satanic, Majesty, who was in the fork of
two roads, deciding which route the new
conner from below should take. The person
whom recognized as a former landlord APP
preached, and Satan looked at him, and
opening his big book turned to his account
ssWell, Mr.. j. said Satan edo you think
You ought to take the right road to Par
adisc, or pass down the left to my domin-
iens?'
The landlord hesitated what reply to make,
for his conscience began to smite him, when
Satan with a hideous groan, looked at the
account and said 81 find Mr.. j., that YOU
owned three houses in s. street.
81 did,
ssWhat did they cost you
ssFour thousand dollars each.'
ssWhat did you ren, them for ?''
The landlord here hesitated, and declined
answering; but he was informed that re-
fractory spirits were treated to birthstone
bath, and at once confessed that he obtained
Eve hundred dollars per annum for each.
ssI thought so,'' said Satan. eIt is al
lowable to charge ten per cent. on the costs,
If the landlord keeps them in repairs, but
you did not do this, and yet you obtained
over twelve per cent. This was extortion,
and therefore you are not my friend, so just
walk down and sit in my chair until can
come and FIRE up" Boston Gazette.
n The New York Evening Pos thinks that
Pennsylvania has become disguised with the
Kanzas policy. This suspicion is confirmed by
tie appearance of Gov. Reeder's name at the
head Of the columns of the Crawford, Pa,
Journal as candidate for Canal Commission
er.
n One clause OF the liqnor law has been
..rinctn,!y enforced in New Yo.k-that when
requires the arres; and punishment of all intox-
icased persons. The effect is grand. Old to-
pers do not like to lodge in the watch house
over a ght and pay fne of $40 in the morning.
The consequence Is that street drunkenness is
,ensibly diminishing, and will soon be crushed
ont aitczether.-[ Detroit Free Press.