The Empire County argus., 1854-05-20
A "DONEn LAWYER.
OR, SAVING A LIVE YANKEE.

P"et!iHe, Will an eye 10 some business also, up to
the lead regions of Galena In fact, | was after
good location to settle, wasn't very flush in funds
but possessed talent as thought and impudencc
as every body knew, enough to start assurance
office.
'Well, after leaving Vicksburg in the morning,
quite muss was discovered, between an enra ged
little Erenchman and long, lantcrn;Iawed Yam
kce' lhe frenchman accused the Yankee of tax
ing some improper liberties with his wife The
matter caused considerable amount of discussion
IN the saloon and cabins and there was some dspo-
SitIon manifested on the part of few of the pas
sengers to give the Yankee a sautary and stringent
over-haullng, but as he appeared to be awful
verdant and innocent criter, it was finally agreed
to open court in the cabin, and try the offender
according to law and the facts of the case
There's several lawyers and at least one two
hoss Missouri judge, and deputy sheriff from Mis-
sissipp The proposition was at once accepted n
general desire to have fun and put the Yankee
through course OF sprouts was made manifest
and we all went into it. The High Marine Court
of the United States steamboat department vas
duly organized. and preparations made to com
mence business.
The court room was arranged in the forward sa
loon, with q view suppose, to the accommodations
likely to be afforded by the bar Now with an eye
to business, it occurred to there tolerable
large opening for little sharp practice fame and
some dimes might be picked up in this case, if
went in early SO goes down on deck to which
the Yankee had betaken himself and there finds
him whiting on packing and evidently concern
ed about the matter.
"Ah, Mr.. Loveioy--for discovered his name on
the register to be Absalom Loyejoy-says l, glad
I've found you SIR
"You be!n says he.
"Yes says I, I'm afraid they'll put you 20 great
deal of trouble; you are not aware suppose, that
the Frenchman has sued out warrant against
you you know of course, that there is regular
branch of the United States Marine Court on this
boat"
'Rot the Court, and gall darn that frog-eating
darn him, nohaow !"
ut don't make any difference sir, says 7, the
sheriff has got the warrant, it myself and
knowing you were a stranger and likely to be put
in tight place, | thought it my duty to come and
warn you I'm lawyer. my names Doolttle, and
if any man save your bacon, I'm the man !"
"Thunder and spikes amt too bad no haint
done nothin' teu nobody, and here's warnt right
out to arrest feller | wish to all salvation was
only eout of this cussed hot water and ashore agin
III bet seelver dollar you'd not catch me in sich
pizen fix as this agin."
WELL there comes the shcrf-what do you say,
shall attend to your case or not :"
'Ef-ef you git me clear" said he, I'll give you
five dollars, it's pizen shame to chuck away mon
y i'NAi'ii
Enough said" responded, when the Judge
asks if you have counsel, tell him Mr. Doolittle is
your lawyer, he's OH the boat, then I'll step for
ward, you keep a stiff upper lip, don't say a word
to the sheriff, or any one but me. Well fix them"
Absalom was duly arraigned. He looked awful
serious, the venerable and towering form of the
Judge, and the emphatic and profound manner in
which he dwelt upon the atrocousness of the
charge against the yankee, wilted him quite down
into his boots.
'As you have no counsel said the Judge 1.-THE
court will award you one, in order that you have
full benefit of just and impartial examination and
trial.
May it please the Court" says l, rising and
putting on the starchiness of dozen incpent
Wehster's and Storys, Il have been retained by
Mr. Lovejoy counsel in this case; the prisoner
at the bar, may it please the Court, is my client
and we stand ready for trial"
Of course, | was aware that whatever the facts
of the case, the court was bound to victimizc the
yankee; pepper and salt nor all my legal dexterity
could save bin. The indictment was read with
force and emphasis by the Prosecuting Attorney.
1t charged upon the prisoner violent and malic
ious assault and battery.
Here, hold on, stop, ,'-excaims the Yankee.
"Sence. p bawls the court.
'Wall, gall darn it, salt and batter, why a
caught my client by the arm, and crowded him
into his seat and the prosecution proceeded with
the usual profuse and awful nonsense contained in
bills of indictments. We, of course, pleaded not
guilty. The first witness brought to the stand was
Peter Baptiste Jean Patti, the Frenchman, who was
sworn on back k-gammon board.
''Sar, my name is Peter Baptste Jean Patti,
have live in zis contar-ce five seven year. vas wiz
Madame Patti in re contar-ee you call Mis-is-eep,
trois year. by and by, | say Madame, we sail max
zust nosng in zis contaree, We take ze boat vat
you call re a-steam, and we come W to zs place.
vas look after, vat you call re plun-dair, ze bag
ashe, bimc by you call see me come back to re cab
in, vat you tink see, ah By tondair, zerc
zis ras kill zis demnacion Yankee felt vat you call,
vas ave his dirty fngaires'-
Come, look a here, you dod rated. frogeatin,
-bawls Yankee.
''Silence in the Court !"
'His fngaires in my wife's hair, ra-agc! ro-
o-sh at him | say you ras kill vas ra-a-ge, he
say sar, am re teelnol-a-gees, was examine ze
ady's bumps! So he make APOLOGIZE, | vas ex-
cuse him some, so do not ron him trou viz my pis-
tole, viz two, five, seven barrel, sair."
The Court received this statement with IN evil
dent degree of comic interest, it was some time be-
fore sufficient order was restored to let the Yankee
have his say to the jury and the judge. Absalom
had evidently picked up his spunk, and was, by
permission of the u S. Marine Court allowed to
tell bis own story.
'I've ssood here, judge, lisnn to that tellers
story in Just as much astonishment as Deacon Pry-
or's black was arter the kears hit him on Sundy.
Now the facts are these, you see TUX Fowlers
Phreno-law-gicl Journal one hull year, a-a-nd TUX
lessons oy a felar in feeling the bumps, but artcr
pot to prac-ti-sn the science found it didn't pay
nigh on to so we'll as tradn, so guv it up as the