Washington telegraph., 1854-02-15
SOL d MI ON 8 w Low.
The Woman Tanner,
"Rule wife and have a wife"

Solomon Swallow was bachelor. and
rusty one too but, nevertheless he had
made up his mind to one thing. that he
was the only man living who had ACQUIRED
any knowledge of the art of taking care of
wife
"Al the married men are dolts," was
Solomon's constant asservation There,
for instance, is my neighhor, Tom Tangi-
be- his wife makes sort of a thrce-leg-
eed stool of him; she moves in one corner,
and then in another, and sits OF, him and
walks on him as if he was nobody in the
house, while he, poor man, takes it as easy
as though it was the most natural thing in
the world Now that were only Tom Tan
gible, I'd first write a series of matrimonial
articles, and if Mrs T. didn't abide by
them. I'd submit her to the wholesome dis
cipline of bread and water and paddock
and might, perhaps, brighten her ideas
touching her conjugal duties. by the appli-
cation CT good cowhide And there again.
are Evert Easy. Dick Snooks. and host
more of them in the same condition, but L
I'm the boy that will set them all right, if
they only follow my example. after have
condescended to endow some fortunate fe-
male with the legal claim to the title Of Mrs.
Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow
well, Solomon said neighbor to
him one morning, ''as you are always boast
ing of your skill in managing u wife, how
comes it that you are not married ~
Why. because | have not perfected nv
system You poked your head into the
moose without making any preparation, and
hence. Mrs. Everly makes what she likes
of you. But 60 to work logically. | be-
gin by studying the erudite works of Zin-
grubazo. On the philosophy Of wolnan's
holding her tongue then read several
treatises on she effect of bread and water
discipline in making good wives Shak-
speare's Tanning the Shrew' furnished me
few excellent practical lessons And |
am now generalizng all the systems into
one, which shall carry the sway in all future
generations. and convert the plague of mat
rimony into blessing In the course Of
year or so'' added Solomon, my Rules
for the Regulation CT Woman Il intend TO
publish it) will be completed, and then
shall take me a vie" :"
AND Solomon was as good as his word,
for at the age of 35. feeling himself prepar-
ed to give battle to any woman in or out of
the land of the Amazons he got married
AT this important period Solomon was as
puffy comfortable-!ooling a little fellow as
you'd meet in days walk. for, albeit the
crown Of his head never stood full five feet
from the heels of bis boots, lie was Of pro-
portions that would have done honor to an
alderman, or even Lord Mayor and his
gait, especially when walking with anything
in the likeness of a woGlan. was as pompous
as a Sultan's, while at such times his coun-
tenance always assumed an expression that
could not have brooked the approach Of fe-
male familiarity. The lady whom Solomon
had chosen for his ''worser half,' WAS appa-
rently a lamb-like creature, so that the
chances were very fair that she would not
only be tractable wife, but that Solomon
would require no help from his system to
make her So
Now Solomon had the forbearance not to
interfere with his ladyss savings and dolngs
on the night of the wedding, nor is it re-
corded that he assumed special authority on
the next night either; but about six O'Clock
the next morning, he softly insinuated
to bis sleeping partner that it was time to
get up.
And" he added. "when breakfast is
ready you may call me, but be sure not to
burn the toast
Breakfast and toast ~ said Mrs. Swal-
low, why, what do you mean q
why, my dear--I mean, madam that |
have begun my system
"And won't you get up too p
Yes. when breakfast is ready and my
stockings aired ~
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply, but she
checked herself, as she was ashamed to say
much to him on so short an acquaintance !;
precisely as she was bid. she resolved in her
heart that it was the last time she would get
up at six in the morning to prepare break
fast.
At s o'clock, everything being ready,
Mrs Swallow called Mr. Swallow
Breakfast is ready. Mr.. Swallow
is the toast made =
Yes
Not burned %
No"
ARE my stockings aired %
Yes"
You'll do quo,h Mr.. Swallow, and to
breakfast he went, having received the ser
vices of the blushing Mrs. Swallow to as
sist him in dressing.
The breakfast, however, did not turn out
to be the thing it had been cracked up for
The toast was done little too much, and
the tea wasn't done quite enough the slop
bowl was at the wrong end Of the tray
and there were several crumbs on the car
pet.
The servant hasn't been here this morn
ing" observed Mrs Swallow