Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1854-12-06
Doesticlss, patent Medicine.

Il am immortalzed and I've done it my
self have gone into the patent medicine
business. My name will be banded down
to posteritv as that Of universal benefac-
tor. The hand which hereafter writes up
on the record of Fame the names of Aver
Sands. Townsend Moflat, Morrison and
Hildleth must also lnscribe. side by side
with these distinguished expectations, the
no less brilliant cognomcn of the undying
Doesttks. Emulous Of the deathless noto-
riety which has been acquired by the medic
inal worthless Just mentioned, also resolv-
ed 10 achieve name and fortune in the
same reputable and honest manner
Bouobt gallon of tar, cake of beeswax
and a 6rkin of lard and in twenty
hours I presented to The world the first
batch Of "Doesfick'S Paieal- eJ-Aciing
Four Horse Pourer Bolsam," designed 70
cure all diseases of mind body, or estate.to
give strength to the weak, ,nsney to- the
poor, abread aud butter 10 the hungry, boots
to the barefoot, decency TO The blackguards,
and common sense 10 The Know Nothngs.
1t acts physically, morally. mentally, psy-
chologically, physiologcaIly and geologic
ally. and it is intended TO make our subiu-
nary sphere bIissful paradise, to which
Heaven itself shall be mere side-show.
have not yet brought it TO absolute per-
lection, but even now ii acts with immense
force. as you will perceive by tie accom-
panvIng testimonials and records OF my
own individual experiences. You Will OBJ
serve that have not resorteG TO the. usual
manner of preparing certificates which Is
to be certain that all those intended for cas-
tern circulation shalt seem to come from
some formerly unheard Of place IN The west,
while those sent 10 the west shall be dated
at some place forty miles east OF sunrlse-
But send to YOU, as representing the wes-
tern country, certificate OF an Oregon lar
mer -
"Dear r:-The land composing my
farm has hitherto been so poor that Scotch
man couldn't get his living off 1t, and so
stony that we had to slice our potatoes, and
plant them edgways; but hearing OF your
balsam put some on the corner OF ten
acre lot surrounded by rail fence, and IN
the morning found the rock had entirely
disappeared, neat stone wall enclrcied
the field, and the rails were split into oven
wood, and piled up symmetrcaIly IN my
back yard. Put half an ounce in the mid
die OF huckleberry swamp; in two days
it was cleaned off, planted with corn and
pumpkins, and bad row of peact-trees IN
lull bloom through the middle. As an ev-
idence of its strength, would state hat 1t
drew a striking likeness Of my eldest daugh-
.er-drew my Youngest boy cut OF mill
pond-drew blister all over his stomach
drew a load oi potatoes four. miles to
market, and eventually drew prize OF
ninety-seven dollars in the state lottery
And the effect upon the inhabitants herea-
bouts has been so wonderful, that they have
opened their eyes to the good OF their couli'
try and are determined 10 vote for gov
ernor who is opposed to frosts in the mid
idle of June, aDd who will make positive
law against freshets, hail storms ana the
seventeen-year locusis."
There, isn't hat Some9 But give one
more, from a member of the senior class IN
western college, who, although misguided
neglected and ignorant is undoubtedly "a
honest and sincere as his PrusslanIZed ed
ucation will admit of. have corrected
the photography and revised some gram
maticsl inaccuracies but besides attending
to these triAes, inserting marks fpunctua
tion. and putting the capitals in their rIgh
places, | assure you have made no altera
ton:
"SAEL HARBOUR, June 81, 1894
"My Dear Doctor :-( You know atten
ded medical lectures half winter, and
once assisted in getting a crooked needle
out of baby's leg; so | understand per-
fectly well the theory and practice OF med
cine, and the doctor Is perfectly legitimate
under the Prussan system.) By the lnces:
= SAINT study required in this establishment,
had become worn down so thin that was
obliged to put an oyercoat on to cast Shad
ow-but accidentally hearing of your bal
sam | obtained quantity, and IN obedl'
ence to the homGopalhetic principle OF inns
institution took an iaGnirSimdI dose only
IN four DAYS measured one hundred anc
eighty-two inches round the walst-couc
chop eleven cords of hickory wood IN two
hours and half; and, on a bet. carried a
yoke of oxen two miles and quarter III
my lett hand, my right being tied behind
me.
About two weeks after this, had the
pleasure oil participating in a gunpowdel
explosion, on which occasion my arms ano
legs were scattered over the village, and
my mangled remains pretty equally dis
trlbuted throughout the entire county
Under these circumstances my lie was
despaired Of, and my class mates had ooush'
a pine coffin and borrowed whole shirts tc
attend the funeral in; when The invlncioie
power of your four-horSe- power balsam sud
denly brought together the scattered pieces
of my body-colected my limbs from the
rural di,tricts-put new life INTO my shat
tered frame, and was restored, uninlured'
to my friends, with a new sci OF double
teeth | have preserved the label which
pnveloped the bottle, and have sewed 1t IN
10 the seat Of my pantaIoons' ana l now
bid grim death defiance, foi | feel that l
am henceiorth unkillaoe. ana 10 iact am
even now generally designated the 'Greai
Hcsiern .2chiiies.' Yours, entirely.
SKY HY."
feel that, after this, Mr.. Editor, | need
give YOU no more reports of third persons,
but will nevertheless detail some OF my
own personal experience of the article
caused some to be applied to the Washte-
nav Bank after its failure, and while the
balsam lasted. the bank redeemed It's notes
with specie. The cork of one OF the bot
ties dropped upon the head of childless
widow, aud in six weeks she had bloom
lng husband Administered some to a
hack driver in a glass Of gin and sugar rand
That day he swlndIed bet seven people, ,and
only gave two ofthem bad money IN change
~ - ca,,, J.,,. ,rrot,s tn moor woman