Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1854-07-08

For sale--A good husband. Warran-
ted sound and kind in any kind of har-
ness, especially in the matrimonial.
lie is of handsome figure and action,
and can lrot lis two babies an hoIr easi-
lv: stands TO the cradle without firing;
never snuls al tie dishclo,h; Is not afraid
.or locomotives not even those of the crazy
Old Colony road, He Is a smart traveller,
and in every respect good family beast,
The present owner being about TO emf
crate 10 California, the above property
must be sold without DELAY.
why is this lemon said one Of a jo-
king crowd, like an old maid who had
been pretty ?
Arcr some wild guessing cnthe part OF
The gentlemen, and one or two innocent
surYosi,ioDs by the young lady, 1t was
given up.
Because it was made TO be SQUEEZED,
and wasn't!
The Young lady tainted, and the dry
gentleman went home, or 10 somewhere
else.
An old topper bet that he could, when
blindlolded, ,ell each Of several kinds OF
liquors. When brandy, whiskey, GIN
and other drinks were presented TO him,
he pronounced correctly what they were.
At length a glass of pure water was given
10 him; lie tasted it, paused, tasted again,
considered, and shook his head. Al last
said be, gentlemen, give itup. | am
not used TO that sort Of liquor
why don't you get married I! said a
young lady the other day, 10 bachelor
friend. i have been trying for the last
ten years to find some one who would be
silly enough TO have me, was the reply.
[ guess you havn't been up our way was
the insinualing reply.
A fellow up town, threatened 10 blow
his brains out. lie can't do it. It's
thing that fools are incapable Of. Where
there is nothing to blow, what's the use
in 5lowingH Answer 10 be returned III
a one-horse wheeIbarow.
A widow once said to her daughter
When you are at my age, il will be time
enough 10 dream of a husband"
Yes, mamma replied the thoughuess
girl, for second time. The mother
tainted.
A nosegay is easily obtained. Four
brandy loddies a day for couple OF
months will put you in the way Of one
that will astonish your friends.
Labor is honorable, says the Boston
Post 1t may be honorable, but 1t IS
mighty inconvenlCnt when the thcrmom-
cler is about 90 in the shade.
Gently the dews are DER me stealing,
as the man said when he had five due bills
presented TO him at one time.
There are two lhings that cannotbe Too
short--pie crust and communications for
a newspaper.
Is there any harm in a fellows sitting
in the lapse Of ages Not a, all, unless
he goes to sleep.
Look out, up dare, how You irow
bTcks--guess you want TO kill dis mig.
GER said usty black hod-carricr, the
other day, when a large brick fell from a
two-story scahoId upon his head and
broke in two, without any further dam
age.
John, fear you are forgetting me,
said brighteyed girl TO her lover, the
other day. 'Yes, Sue, have been for
getting you these two years
At a training down east, after an order
was given to return ramrods, one of the
soldiers broke from the line and was of at
full split
Hello bawled the commanding Oft
Ger, 'where are you going ?
Down to Squire Muggins', to return
that ramrOd borrowed from him. You
said return ramrods.
An eminent ar,st--Amrrican Of course
lately painted 4 snow.storm 50 nauro'-
Iy that be caught bad cold by string near
II viii! lis coat of.
if.you marry, said Roman consul to-
Isis son, let II be woman who has ludg-
mcni enough TO superinienI ihe getting
Of meal Of victaals, taste enough TO dress
hgr-ei', pride enough 10 wash before
breakfast and sense eGopgh TO bold her
tongue when she has nothing to say
Did you ever 90 10 military ball :!
asked iIsPing maid Of an old veteran OF
Jachsom's army Of IS. No my dear
groHied the old soldier, IN ihose days
had military ball come TO me and what
dye lhnk ! ltlook my legs off.
4 drunken youth got ont Of his caIcula-
lion, and was doing in the street, when