Eaton Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1843-1856, 1854-12-21
From the Detroit Daily Advertiser:l
Doesticks Invents q Patent Medicine.
New York, Nov. G 1884.

WHICH HeItdlteI WHITES upOn Inc recOTu OF lame
the names of Aver, Sands, Townsend, Moffat,
Morrison, and BrandGth, must also inscribe,
side by side with these appelations, the no
less distinguished cognomen Of the undying
DoestckS. Emulous of deathly notoriety
which has been acquired by the medical
worthless just mentioned, | also resolved to
achieve name and fortune in the same re-
putable and honest manner. Bought a GAL
| Ion of lar, a cake OF beeswax, and firkin of
lard, and in twenty one hours presented to
the world the first batch of "D0estick's Pa
tent Self Acting -Four Horse POper Baisam,"
designed to cure all diseases of the mind,
body or estate, 10 give strength TO the weak,
money 10 the poor, bread and butter to the
hungry, boots 10 the bare foot, decency to
blackguardS, and common sense to the know
nothingS. 1t acts physically, morally, men,
tally, pSychologicaly, phySiologcally ana geo.
logically, and it is intended 10 make our sub
lunary sphere a bliSsful paradise, 10 which
Heaven itself shall be but side show.
have not yet brought it to absolute perfec-
tion, but even now it acts with immense
force, as you will perceive by the accompa-
nying testimonials, and records of my own in
dividual experience. You will observe that
have notreSorted to usual manner of prepar-
| ing certificates which is 10 he certain that
all those intended for Eastern crcu lation, shall
come from some formerly unheard of place in
the West, while those sent to the West shall
be dated at some place forty miles East of
Sunrise. But send to you, as representing
the Western country, q certificate from an
Oregon farmer
"Dea Sir The land comprising my farm
has hitherto been so poor that Scotchman
could not get his living off of it; and so stony
that we had to slice our potatoes and plant
them edgeways; but hearing of your balssm, !
put some on the corner OF ten acre lot, sur
rounded by rail fence and in the morning
found the rocks had entirely dsa peared-a
neat stone wall encircled the fields, and the
rails were split into oven wood and piled up
symmetrically in my back yard. Put about
half an ounce into the middle OF hnckleber-
ry swamp-in two days it was cleared off,
planted with corn and pumkins and had a row
of peach trees in full bloom through the mid
! die. As an evidence of its tremendous
strength, would state that il drew striking
likeness of my eldest daughter drew my
youngest boy out of the mill pond-drew q
blister all over his stomach - drew load OF
potatoes four miles to market, and eventually
drew prize of ninety seven dollars in the
State lottery. And the effect upon the in
habitants hereabout has been so wonderful
that they have opened their eyes to the good
Of the country, and they are determined to vote
for Governor who is opposed 10 frostS in the
: middle of June, and who will make a posi-
; tive law against freshets, hail storms, and the
seventeen year locuStS."
= There isn't that Some2 But l give one more
from member of the senior class IN West.
: ern College, who, although misguided, neg
, lected and ignorant, is undoubtedly as honest
r. aud sincere as his Prussianized system will
admitof | have corrected the orthography and
revised some OF the grammatical inaccuracies
but, besides attending to these trfles inserting
A marks OF punctuation, and putting the cap
tails in the right places. assure you have
made no alteration.
'SALL aARBoR, June 81, 1854.
= My Dear Doctor :-(You know thatI al
: tended med ca lectures halfa winter, arr
i once assiS ted to get ooked needle out of
n baby'S leg; so understand perfectly we'll tn,
theory, and practice of medicine, and tn,
, Doctor is perfectly intimate underline Prussial
II system.) by the incesSant study required il
this establishment, had become worn dowl
>. so thin that was obliged to put on an over
> coat to cast shadow-but accidently hearin
i Of your balsam, obtained quantity, and, il
n obedience to The Homeopathic principles o
;. this institution, took an infnitesimal dos
) only; in four days measured one hundred ant
+ eghty-two inches round the waiSte-coul
4 chop eleven cords Of hickory wood in tw
= hours and half; on a bet carried yoke @
/. oxen two miles and quarter in my left hand
&c my right being tied behind me, and if any on
: doubts the fact, the oxen are still to be seen.
q "AGout two weeks after this, had tn
,, pleasure of participating in gun-powder ex
q plosion, on which OCCASION my arms and leg
were scattered over the village, and my man
= gledremains pretty equally distributed through
out the entire country. Under these circum
:. stances my life was dispaltd OF, and my class
>. mates had bought a pine coffin, and borrowe
= whole shirts 10 attend the funeral in; whe
II the invincible power of your four horse powe
II bas1m (Which happened to have in my yes
pockeU suddenly brought together the scat
= tereu pieces Of my body-colected my lmt
;, from the rural districtS-put new life into m
:, shattered frame, and was restored uninure
q 10 my friends, with new set OF double teetl
~ | have preserved the liable which envelope
= the bottle, and had it sewed to the seat of m
- pantaloons, and now bid grim death def
~ ance, for feel that am unkilable, and i
e fact | am even row designated the 'Gred
20 Western Achilles. SKI HY."
- feel after this Mr.. Editor, need give yo
:. no more reports of third persons, but will nev
- erthelesS detail some of my own personal ex
"A perience of the article. | caused some to b
y ap lied TO The Washtenaw Bank, after il
!" failure, and while the balsam lasted, the Ban
', redeemed its notes with Specie The cork {
70 one of The bottles dropped upon the head of
childlesS widow, and in six weeks she had
. blooming husband. Administered some to
"a hack driver in glass Of gin and sugar, an
- that day he swindled but seven persons, an
. : only gave two Of them bad money in change
~ ~ Gave few drops gratis to a poor woman VIII
. was earning a precarious subsistence by ma
:. king calico Shirty with one-eyed needle, an
- the next day she was discovered 10 be heir t
= large fortune. The Know-Kothing cand
- date for Mayor ofthe city has sent for a bottl
4. and it has entirely cured him Of violen
- verbal diarrhoea. Gave some TO an up-tow
- actor, AMI that night he said ''Jamned'' onl
twenty.one times. One, Of the Daily paper
If got the next dose, and the next edition bu
if one there were four editorial !alshoods, seve
Indecent advertisements, ,and two columns an
half of home made t'Foreign Correspond
ence." Caused fifteen drops TO be, given
the low commedian Of Broadway theatre
land that night he was positively dressed NOR
ID like man than monkeyA-actually spok
j some lines Of the author--made only three 10