Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1852-1859, 1854-01-12
The Late Man.

The Late Man.
The late Mr.. onslow is not deceased, as might
naturally be coniectured by the little epthe which
always proceeds his name. The expressive mono.
syllable is his by the Iarest of titles, for he has
purchased it at high Price. To be late is one of
the most expensive Of luxuries. 1t cost the Or
leans branch of Capetian line the loss of the
throne Of France. But though the Count of PaT,s
may or may not have missed the scept.e, from the
tardineSS OF his grandtathers abdicahon in his ia
vor, he gained valuable device, which he and
his heirs may wear instead of the lilies. "Tco
late'' may be inscribed on his eScutCheon in ex.
change for the inheritance of which the robber
Louis had deSpoled him, an exorbitant pnce 10
pay though, for two such Stunted words; but mot
toes have always been dearly, often desperately,
earned; sometimes acquired by virtue, frequently
by violence, and always at great cost.
"The late" Mr.. OnSI0w is apt to be rather tardY
in his movements, and never in his life knew what
It WIS 10 be at the right place at the right time,
consequently never gained any victories, any
other advantage, like Lord Nelson, by being at
spot, or executing any act, quarter of an hour
before the time. His appearance or performance
| always happened quarter of an hour after. Like
| bad muSket, he perpetually hangs fire. Every
thing he touches seems 10 do so TO. HIS watch is
ever quarter of an hour TOO slow, and its owner
therefore assure to be just where he ought not 10
be- He is always conjugating the verb "lo Ce" Ill
futuie tense, yet can never overtake The present.
| Mr.. OnSluw has son, hich has been put down
as the only evidence he ever gave of punctuality
| in conduct. -
This unfortuate habit of Nr. Onslow is
SCre incOnveniCe 10 him. Such man can
nave no contemporaries; for he comes after
the times Of otter people, and may be look
ed upon virtually species OF posterlty--
NoperSon knows SO well as he what 1t is 10 see
the boat good ten minutes upon its way, on lis
arrival at the slip. The comfort of being left be-
hind by the cars, himself and bag and baggage, is
a daily experience with him; so that he is Always
reg aIded as passenger in the next train but
He probably, never since he was born, saw more
| than the tail end of procession, or heard any
! thing but the peroTation o: a sermon. 10 him.
therefore, texts axe secrets, and the music of life
unknown, at least that part OF it which marches III
| tue van of street paTades. lgzlg.
| Mr.. OnSIow probably imagineS that dramas are
composed entirely Of fifth acts, having heard no
other; and was on cue occasion aStoniShed TO be
told that people ever had soup at dinner, never
happening 10 have come to the table till the Sec
on CuuiSe, He once tried his hand at gardening,
Und projected Splehdld melon patch; but lie did
not think to put his seed in, till he ripe nut
megS III market. There IS not kinder hearted
man; and he would be of essential service TO his
friends in sickness, If he could only make it conve
nient TO call upon them before they were given
over by tile doctor. His pulse is ready for the dts
titute md suffering; but nothing else about him Isl
so that his money rests in his pocket uudisturbed,
till the poor object of rommseration is IN jail OF
the almShouSe. at
But this may more properly be reckoned anon G
on others, and these are quite as numerous as
those they entail upon himself. TopreYent doZ-
en- people from transacting business because he
delays his coming, is oocommcn circumstance,
which he has noticed; for he never by any acct
dent did otherwise. The only time he was ever
roculecied to have arrived in was to attest
a neighbours last will; but it Is confidently pie
dIcted, il will not be possible :or him TO make his
own. HeiS aStrenuouS politician aud ardent party
man, but he is sure to get TO the poll in great fe-
inet oFfa hoe clD = a laX YER
such man gets his client non suited; If phySl-
clan, perhaps his patient may thrive by his neglect;
il a minister, he is apt TO keep the congregation
waiting, not upon the Lord, but on himself.
His mole. lies over just long enough 10 be pro-
tested and his endorsers frightened, when lie pays
it with the COSTS. His day is made up principally
OF afternoons, and he begins to count at eleYeH.-
de goes 10 market just IN season TO buy what eY-
eTybody else hos left, and has it sent home 10 cook
after The fire has gone out, which reminds US tore
mark, that when he was fireman, he commonly
met his engine on It's return home. He buys an
umbrella after the shower IS ov-r; locks the stable
door when the horse has been stolen; and places
his pet flower carefully under shelter The day after
it has been frozen. II is credibly exported of him
that when he was boy and went 10 school,
from always being taIdy, he began in the middle
to learn the alphabet and consequently found his
appropriate place at the tail of every class, for
which part he has had strong prediction ever
since. =rll ats-iar5.y brtS ssa.yEtagga1L
What Mr.. Onslow's calling is, we purpoSey
conceal, as we would say nothing 10 impair the
benefit of his bad example. What method can be-
thought OF TO administer correction and reforina-
ton 10 faulty persons OF this description we know
not. What il society should investigate anotL er
individual still more lax and tardy thanths grave
ffender-a iater' onslow, for example-to prac-
tise upon him those very yexations and annoyan-
ces which he has been long inficting upon all he
has ad anything 10 do with? To cure and prevent
Intemperance, the Spartans exhibited drunkard
in his beastliness. He who is plaguing everybody
with his fobIes, may be ashamed OF them, perhaps
when he views them ini another. If the late Mr..
OnsIow shallthuS be cured, future Onslows may
happily be preYented.-NetrG AfUertiser.
.HJudge Corwin has this day filed with the Gov
ernor his resignation as Judge Of the Supreme
Court. Corwin's time would not expire until the
second Monday of February, 1855. The vacancy
occurring morthan thirty days before the next an
nuai electlun5 tits necessary for the peOpleto fill
the vacancy by an election next fall.-0. States
man. asl.lstrt D. ~