Loudon free press. (Loudon, Tenn.) 1852-1855, 1854-01-10
THE UNINTENTIONAL DIVORCE.

jersey, TWO men named smith ana Jones, VINO
had both OF them design upon the Legislature.
Jones had a bad wife, and was in love with
pretty w0man---he wished to be divorced from
the bad wife, so that he might marry the pretty
woman who By the by, was a widow with
black ewes, aud such a busll.-Therefore, Jones
came to Trenton for q divorce Smith has q
good wife, plump as robin, good as an angel,
and the mother Of ten children, and Smith did
not want 10 be divorced, but did want to
get charter for q turnpike, or plank road, to
extend from Pigs run to Terrapn Hollow.
Well, they, with these different errands, came
to Trenton, and addressed the assembled Wis
dom with the usual arguments. lst Suppers
mainly composed Of oysters, With rich back
ground Of steak and venison. 9th. Liquors IN
great plenty, from Jersey lightning, "-wh,c.lu
is y kind Of locomotive at full speed reduced To
liquid shapeZ-t0 Newark champagne. = L.
speak in plain prose- Jones. the divorce man,
gave champagne supper, and Smith, the
turnpike man, followed with champagne break
fast Under the modifying influence of which,
the assembled wisdom passed both the divorce
and turnpike bills, and Jones and Smith-a
copy OF each bill in parchment in their packets.
went rejoicing home, over miles OF sand, and
though the tribuatiUn OF many stage coaches
Smith arrived at home in the evening, and rs
he sat down in his parior, his pretty wife beside
him-how pretty she did looh! and five Of }he
children asleep over head, aud the other five
studying their lessons in the corner ofthe room.
Smith was induced to eXpatate upon the good
results of MS mission to Trenton.
~ turnpike, my DEAR ! am one of the Di
roctors, ove-we can send our children to q
boarding school and live in style, out Of the
tOlI.-Here is the charter honey"
1T ~ mo 500 n " said tho rr.ttv wifi who
was one of the incest wives, sih plnmpness and
goodness dimpling all over her face, "let ne
see IT." and she leaned over Smiths shoulder,
pressing her arm upon his own, as she looked
at the parchment. But all Mt once Smiths
wi.e's visage grew black. Smith was not pro
fame, but now he ripped out an awful o@th
'Blast it. these Internal cuuEIrels at Trenton
have rome and divorced usl''
II WAS too true. the parchment which he held
was a bill Of divorce, in which the name of
Smith and Smiths appeared in frightfhIly iega-
BE letters Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes with
the corner Of her apron. Here's turnpike?
BLAST the pike and the legislatures, and"
Wei. the tAet is that Smith. reduced to single
bcsseduess and ''enacted,' into a stranger to
his own wife, swore awfullv,-AlthOugh the
night was dark. and most of the denizens of the
village bad gone to bed, Smith bad his late wife
put on her bonnet, and arm in arm they proceed
ell to the house of clergyman Of their church.
"Cs1oduesS bless met exclaimed the mild,
good man, as he saw them enter, Smith looking
like the very last of June shade, and Smiths
wife wipIng her eyes with the corner Of her
apron-.G GOODNESS bless me what's the natter"
The matter is, | want you to marry US two
right OFT replied Smith.
Marry yor?" calculated the clergyman, with
expanded fingers and awful eyes, ''are yen
drank or crazy
Il ain't crazy. and wish was drunI," said
Smith. desperately: the fact is, brother Good
win that some Scoundrels at Trenton, unbe
known to me, and at the dead Of night, have
gone and divorced me from nv own wife, she
is the mother oi--of nine childreu!
Ten" suggested Mrs Smith, who was cry
ing "lIeres a tunpike!'
Wei, the good minister seeing the state of
the case, THE Trenton parchment was duly pro-
duced from the pocket Of the lugubrious SMITH
married them over strailhtway and would not
take fee. The fact is, grave rs he was, lie
was diving to De alone, that he could give
vent to his snppressing laugh, which was sha-
king him all over. Smith and Smiths wife
went ioyfully home, and kissing every one of
their ten children. The little Smiths never
knew that their father and mother had been
made strangers to each other by Legislative
enactment.
Meanwhile, and on the seIfsame night, Jones |
returned to his native town-Burlington. | be-
eve-and sought at once the fine pair of black
ewes which he hoped shortly to call his own.
The pretty widow sat on the sota a white ker
chief tied cnrelesSly about her round white {
throat, her black hair laid in silky waves acains
each rosy cheek.
"Diyorce is the word cried Jones, playful |.
" gatting her double chin. 1.-The fact is, Eliza.
| IN rid of that cursed woman, and YOU and III
be married tonight. | know how to manage
those scouudres at Trenton. champagne /
supper or was it a hreaklast?I did the business
for them. Put on your bonnet and let us go to
the preachers at once, dearest"
The widow (yho was among widows as peach /
es are among apples) put on her bonnet and
took Jones arm, and
"yjust lool; how handsome it is put on parch-
ment cried Jones, pulling the document out |
before her. Here's the law which said that /
Jacob Jones and Anna Caroline Jones are two! |
Loot at it' Putting her plump gloyed hand on |
his shoulder, she did look at it,
IOh dear?' said with her robust lips, and .
sank back, half tainted on the sofa.
ooh blazesl cried JONES' and sank beside her, /
rnsting the fatal parchment in his hand.
I1tTt iOto VI HdillhCoo 'iIu NHo'ii I@oi1 6'-S {
to ruin,
1t was a hard case Instead Of being divorc- /
ed and at liberty to marry the widow, Jacob !
Jones was simply by the Legislature Of New /
Jersey, Incorporated into a turnpike company,
and, which made it worse, authorized with /
his brother directors to construct turnpike /
from Burlington to Bristol. When you reflect F
that they are mile apart. opposite sides OF
the Delaware river you will perceive the eN-
treme hopelessness of Jones' case.
"It's all the fault Of that turnpike man who
gave em the champagne supper, or was IT
breakfast cried Jones, in agony. "lf they d a
chartered me to'make a turnpike from Pig
Run to Terrapin Hollow, mset have borne It!
but the very idea of building a turnpike from
Burlington to Bristol bears absurdliy on the
face of it." So it did.
rAnd YOU amt div0rced?" said Eliza, a tear
rolling down each cheek.
'.No!1 thundered Jones' crushing his hat be-
tween his knees, land what is worse the legls-
Iature is adjourned, and gone home drunk and
won't be back to Trenton till next year" it was
hard case.
The mistake had occurred on the last day of
the session, when legislators and transeribing
clerks were laboring under the effect of cham
payne supper, followed by a champagne break
fast. Smiths name had been put where Jones'
ought to have been, and ''i0isey Jersey" as the
Latin poet has il