Plymouth advertiser. [volume] (Plymouth, Ohio) 1853-1988, 1854-12-01
Sam Smiths Soliloquy.


how long since that mattress was turned,
or that carpet swept, or what was the
primeval color of that ever and wash
basin.
Christopher Columbus how the frost
curtains the windows how dirge-like the
wind moans: how like great, white pail
the snow covers the ground. Five times
I've rung that bell for coal, for this rickety
OLD graIe, Out might as well thump for
admittance at the gate of Paradise
And speaking of Paradise-Sam Smith,
you must be married you havn't button
to your shirt, nor shirt to your buttons
either.
Wonder if women are such obstinate
little monkeys Wonder if they must be
bribed with new bonnet every day, to
keep the peace Wonder if you bring
home friend unexpectedly to dinner, if
they always take to their bed with the sick
headache? Wish there was any way of
finding out, but by experience. Well Sam,
you are Napoleonic looking fellow: if
you can't manage a woman, who can
How I shall pet the clipper. I'll marry
a blue-eyed woman they are the most
affectionate. She must not be too tall
mans wife shouldn't look down upon
him. She must not know too much : the
Furies take your part, catmount-y, scrlb-
bling women, with arepartee always rolled
up under their tongues. She mustn't be
over seventeen but now to find that out,
Sam, is the question: it is about as easy
as to make an editor tell you the truth
about his subscription list. She must be
handsomc--n she mustn't either. Ishould
be as Jealous as Blue Beard: All the corkS-
crew, pantalooned, perfumcd popiniays
would be ogling her. But then, again,
there's three hundred and siXty-five days in
a year. and three times a day | must sit
opposite that connubial face, at the table.
" hats to be done ? Yes ;she must be
handsome that is as certain as that Louis
Napoleon has Jewish horror Of Ham.
: Wonder if wives are expensive articles?
, Wonder if their "little hands were cvel
f made to scratch out husbands eyes ?'-
Wonder if Caudle lectures are "all in you
+ eve," or-occasionally in your ear ?
g Wonder if babies invariably prefer til
i nighttime to cry?
i TO marry or not to marry, Sam =
!. Whether 'tis better to so !uttonless, an
:, to shiver, or marry and always be III he
"a water?
There's Tom Hillot. Toms married.
"a | was his groomsman. | would hay
given small fortune TO have been in hi
- white satin vcst-what with the music
# and the roses, and the pretty little brides
maid Diden't the bride look bcwitchin4
J., with TIE roscfush on her cheek and II
n tear on her eyclash ? And how provol
10 70 ingly happy Tom looked, when he whirlc
ri off with her in the carriage to their ne
# home, and what pretty little home
., was, to be sure. 1t is just a'ycar to-dG
u since they were married. ] dined the
l., Yesterday II strikes me that Tom docsr
Joke as much as he used in his bache
DAYS; and then he has a way, too,
leaving his sentences unfinished. And
ng noticed that his wife often touched i
mt foot with her slipper under The table
- What do you suppose she did that for p?
~ , Just as | was buttoning up my coat
he come away, asked Tom if he would
up to Tammany Hall with me. He look
,n at his wife, and she said, "Oh--go by
on means, Mr.. Hillot;" when Tom i
le- mediately declined. l don't understa
on matrimonial tactics Z; but it seems to me
,as ought to have obliged her.
fhe DO you know John Jones and his viii
lis (pcculiar name that" Jones !") w
rth they are another happy couple. 1t
M enough to make bachelor eyes turn gre
,oa to see them. Mrs. Jones had been t'
son times widow, when she married John
.ct She knows the value of husbands.
in takes precious care Of John. Before
ven goes to the office il. the morning, she p'
scd her head out the window to see if
50 weathercock indicates surtout, spen
erv cloak, or Tom and Jerry ; this p'
ont settled, she follows him to the door,
was calls him back to close his thorax but
,1nt "for fear of quinsy," Does a shower c.
TO- up in the forenoon ? She immedia
bus sends him clogs, India-rubbers, an e:
.rs flannel shirt, and an oilcloth overall,
2ourr t,.vr.,. ", t,o Yuur vf boiling SinSel
fate to administer on his arrival, to pre-
we'd the damp from striking in" If he he
in himself to second bit of turkey,
Of Immediately removes it from his plate,
fire applying a pocket handkerchief to
tlv eyes, asks him ''if he has the heart
mil make her for the fifth time widow :?
nral You can see, with half an eye, ahat }
we'd must be the happiest dog alive. I'd
to see the miscreant who dares to say
is not
u,r Certainly-matrimony is an invent
;Ln of Well, no matter who invel
,,oro ro" it. I'm going to try it. Where's
toot tl~1 blue coat with the bright, brass butto
'vah 'u The woman has yet to be born who
,Ie" resist that and my buff vest and n
" ~ tie, too; may | be shot if l don't
" ~" them both to the little widow Pardis
ens enn 'Pardiggle J Phebus what name
Loi such a rosebud. I'll re-christen he
= nIa ha the euphoneous name of Smith. S
-. have me, of course. She wants
" wy ~ band, and want wife there's one I
~ ;o;an ~ upon which we perfectly agree. /
,slv ,sh1v preliminaries. | suppose it is unn
,'ast @ sary for me to begin with the amator
p"'S' phabet. Say, widow! suppose 20,
skip the rudiments. Say, what yt
Que got to say in fraction of second.
client men grow as mischievous as Satan if