Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1854-01-12
The Late Man.

The late Mr.. Onslow 10 not deceased. M
might be conjectured by the little epi,he,
which always precedes his name. The ex-
Pressive monosyllable is his by the fairest OF
titles, for he has purchased it at a high price,
To be late is one Of the most expensive Of lux-
uries. Il cost the Orleans branch Of the Carr
petian line the loss of the throne of France.
But though the Count of Paris may or may
not have missed the sceptre, from the hardness
of his grandfa,her's abdicaton in his favor, he
gained valuable device, which he and his
heirs may wear instead Of the lilies. Too
late may be inscribed on his escutcheon in
exchange for the inheritance of which the rob
Der Louis had despoiled him, an exorbitant
price to pay though, for two such stunted
words; but notices have always been dearly,
often desperately earned, sometimes acquired
by virtue, frequently by violence, and always
at great cost.
The late Mr.. Onslow is apt to be rather
tardy in his movements, and never in his life
knew what il was to be at the right place at
the right time consequently never gained any
victories, nor any other advantage, like Lord
Nelson, by being at spot, or executing m
act, quarter Of an hour before the time. His
appearance or performances always happened
quarter Of an hour after. Like bad mus
ket, he perpetually hangs fire. Everything he
touches seems to do so too. His watch is ever
aquarter Of an hour too slow, and its owner
therefore is sure to be just where he ought not
TO be. He is always conjugating the verb TO
be- in future tense, yet can nevet overtake
the present.
This unfortunate habit of Mr.. Onslow is =
sore Inconvenience to him. Such man can
have no contemporaries; for he comes after the
times of other people, and may be therefore
looked upon as virtually species Of Posterity.
No person knows SO well as he what it is to
see beat good ten minutes off upon his ar
rival at the slip. The comfort Of being left
behind by the cars, himself and baggage, is a
daily experience with him; SO that he is al
ways regarded as passenger in the next train
but one. He probably, never since he was
born, saw more than the tail of procession,
or heard anything but the Petoraticn Of ser
mon. TO him, therefore, texts are secrets,
and the music of life unknown, at least that
part Of it which marches in the van Of street
paradise. Mr.. Onslow probably imagines that
dramas are composed entirely Of fifth acts,
having heard no other and was on one occa-
sion astonshed 10 be told that people ever had
soup at dinner, never happening to have come
to the table till the second course. He once
tried his hand at gardening, and projected
splendid melon patch but he did not think 10
put his seed in till he saw ripe nutmegs in the
market. There is not kinder hearted man |;
and he would be uf essential service 10 his
friends in sickness; If he could only make il
convenient to call upon them before they were
given oter by the doctor. His purse is ready
for the destitute and suffering; but nothing
else abou, him is, so that his money rests in
his pocket unds,urbed, till the poor objec. Of
commisera,ion is in Jail or the almshouss.
But this may more properly be reckoned
among the inconviences which his tatdy hab-
its bring on others, and these are quite ~ nh-
merOus as those they entail upon himself. To