The miners' express. (Dubuque, Iowa) 1849-1854, 1854-01-04
NUMBER 16.

"Thrn you'll be sadly disappointed, for III
do no such thing
"No?"
! "No
Give way 10 make yoa''
"sp'on Diet locks chains, and c"whidc."
"hr. SwaI,a !"
7 "Whal:" ...
; '1pu're brute !" and Mrs Ss.llow threw
herself back, and looked desperate
Now this was CLIMAX. MIR. Swallow was
called brute at his own hreside, and by his
own wife, which was ,hc worsi oil all He
| Solomon Swallow, the celebrated founder Of
system of Matrimonial Obsrrvs ion. called
brute, and by no less person than Mrs Swal-
Low AT iifst he was so as onishcd at such open
manifestation of rebellion to his royal will, That
he only looked aghast; but hen he came 10
himself, he saw that something mus: be done
at once, or the field was lost forever
"fon called me brute, Mrs. Swallow
| Ni did, Nr 8 vail9w.'
"a brut ;" . -.A
"a brute"
"l'H 90 mad and break things, Mrs SwaI-
low"
"As YOU like sir "
And Mr. sw allow did 90 mad. but he had
method III his madness, for he seized the cheap
est article OF drf that was on the table IAN old
| and pieces on The hearth, as if he was in ,re-
| menduous pas ion @E
"liow do you like that, Mrs. Swallow -
"Vastir, Mr. Swallow, try it again -
| ana again he did try it, tor he had be-
come desperately and demollhsed the cream
| jug. fH
"Now,' said The lady. 'sit is my turn" and
jumping up, she sent The slop bowl to keep com
pany with It's tea table companions.
! This was of course too much for Solomon it
snapped asunder the last remaining chord of the
little reason he had left, and he slapped this
heipnatp-we use word in its most positive term
---on her right cheek but scarcely had the echo
OF the blow melted in o silence; ere the indig.
nant dame Sc I'D the teapot and shivcred il
INTO atoms against the head of the devoted Mr..
Swallow. Nor was this all, for as he was roll
inc heels over head from the effects Of he aw-
fui collision, she piled the remainder of the tea
| traps until there was scarcely bone in his
body which had no, echoed 10 the shock of cups
and sauccrs, and rounds of buttered toast
Una'le TO carry the war any longer for that
day, Solomon gathered himself up as well as he
could, and vowipg vengeance, he stuck his pipe
IN his mouth, his hands in his pockets, and then
commenced wnis,ling jig to the tune the old
COW died on, looking il he could bite piece
OF The griddle, without setting his teeth on
edge Ills go"d lady, too, being determined to
| follow the example of her lord and master in
ott er matters besides the delf breaking, placed
another CHAIR back to back with Solomon $. and
after providing herself with novel, set herself
down, and began reading away, as if there was
no such thing as beds 10 make, or stockings 10
mend, in all Christendom
Here Ibis AFT, etionae cou ,le sat for six NOR
tai hours, each bent upon setting the other down,
and ruunatng the while upon ther relative
i ha M sod nj
Swallow had the best Of the bargaia, for indie
pendent OF Solomons manged head, and par
boiled neck and shoulders, she saw as clear as
mud, that the wach dial and the crockery must
be replaced; so that the reducing Of the frs,
chapter in his voluminous system to practice
must be attended with an out ay of 1T leas,
twenty dollars. This being The case might as
well be hung for sheep as lamb, thought he
and with that lie rose from his chair, stole softly
from the room, and turned the key upon the
gentle Mrs. Swallow.
intention, when she rushed to the door, but il
was too la,e
"Open the door this instant, Mr. Swal-
low" cfia-.
mot antil have kept you here seven days
upon bread and water returned the victo
rous solomon, as he went his way rejoic-
ing. A
Blu, alas how ieeiinG is human greatness
in about half an hour he returned TO see how
matters Were going, but scarcely put his eyes to
the key toie when he began roaring like bull
for Mrs. swallow had torn every Of his fine
linen shirts Qhat on his back excepled1 into
pieces, to make a rope TO let herself down from
the window nor was this all, for upon further
examination, he discovered that she had also
thrown variety of chair cushions, bed linen
&c, into the dirty yard, TO make her descent
safe.
O.! cbos fallen Solomon Swallow
The archives Of the Swallows are silent as to
the remaining occurrences of this cventfu day,
but on The very next morninr, abont seven
O'Clock, MIR. Swallow popped his head from un-
der the blanket, and said, "Mrs. Swallow, dear
ism t it time To get up -
\ "Yes, returned The lady, "and you NAV call
me when you have lit the hre and put on the
I kettle"
u Po Solomon There was no alte rnative. So
he set about his work with an aIacrity which
showed that he had the terror Of a broken head
and demolished body running strongly in his
memory: In short Solomon was a conquered
man. That day he had to prepare breakfast,
sweep the room, &c. The next his assistance
was required in the rubbing of furniture and
; the making of beds and before the week was
out, he init atet into the mystery of wash
Degenerate Solomon Swallow Nay, in after
times when the Swallows began to gather
} about him, il is whispered that his better halt
used to empty him at yet mo deeply conjuga
; Offices
| Blu, for this we have M proof, only the fact
that he the only nurse Mrs. Swallow would
trust with the ch dren
4 Abou, five years after the celebration of his
: nuptals friend called TO him.
! You must 30 with me to the Theatre, Mr.
Swallow said the friend.
i ale shan't said Mrs. Swallow.
'lle must said the friend, sand so must
you.
) 81 may, but he can't" replied the dame, ''fol
he must stop at home with the children
And Mrs Swallow did 90 to the play, and
solomon stopped at home.
o, hen-pecked Solomon Swallow
The moral of this authentic tale is that "bach
eluIs' wives and old maids children are all
ways excellent in theory, but as bad can be
in praclceaud that managed wife is better
than no wife at all. Had Solomon only treated
his better half decently in the beginning, thing.
might have gone on smoothly t. the end, but as
It was, he compelled her TO ta Tartar in hel
own defence, and had TO take the consequen.
ces.