Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.]) 1852-1859, 1854-01-25
Turnpike and Divorce.


designs upon the legislature. Jones had n bad
wife, and was in love with another woman; he
WISHED to be divorced from the bad wife, so that
might marry the pretty woman; who, by the
way was widow, with black eyes, and such
bust Therefore Jones came 10 Trenton 10 get
divorce.
Smith had a good wife, plump as a turtle, good
as an angel, and the mother of len children, ana
Smith did not want 10 get divorce, but ne qua
want TO get turnpike or plank road from rigs
Ran TO Terrapin Hollow. Well, they WIN, lheSs
different errands came to Trenton, and addressed
the assembled wisdom with the usual arguments:
1st suppers, mainly composed of oysters, with
rich back ground oil venSonj 2nu, llquius IN great
plenty from Jersey tightening, "a kind OF locomo-
live at full speed reduced TO nqull sliape) 20
Newark champagne. To speak in PLAIN terms,
Jones, the divorce man, gave champagne supper
and Smith the turnpike man, followed OIL with
champagne breakfast. r1s.
Under the modifying influences oil these aPpli-
ances, the assembled wisdom passed the divorce
and turnpike bills, and Jones and Smith went
home rejoicing, over miles OF sand, and through
The trlbulaiion of many stage coaches. smith at
rived home the next evening; anu, as he sat INN
self down in the parlor, his loving wife beside him.
how pretty she did look! and five of his children
asleep overhead, and the other five studying their
lessons in the corner of the roon, Smith was induc-
ed TO expatiate upon the good result oil hs mission
to Trenton.
ga turnpike, my dear-I am one of the directors
and will be president; II will set us up love, we
can send The children TO bonding school, and
i've IN style Out Oh Tue 10 INC
honey"
"L et me see it." said the pleased wife, who is
one of the incest of woman, with plumpneSs ana
goodness dimpled all over her face; "Let me See
it." and leaned over Smiths shoulder, pressing
her arm upon his own as she looked at the parcb-
ment-but all at once Smiths face grew long
Smiths wle's visage grew dark. Smith was not
profaue, but now lie ripped forth all awful oath,
"D-n, wife, these IN eridL scoundretsat IreR-
ton hare dip0reed us.
II was too true. The parchment which he held
was bill of divorce, in which the name OF Smith
aud SMITHS wife appeared Ill irghtulIy legIbe
letters. Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes with the cor
ner of her apron. Here's Turnpike SAID she
sadly aud with the whole ten children staring her
in the face, al amt your wlfe-aere's Turn
pkeG
Well the fact is, that Smith, reduced to single
bleSSedheSS, "enacted' into stranger TO his own
wife, Swore awfuly Although the nigh was durk,
and most If the denizenS of Smiths villnge had
gone 10 bed, Smith babe his late wife put on her
bonnet, and arm IN arm they proceeded to tile
house of the clergyman OF their church.
"Gcodness bless me!'' exclaimed the mild good
man, rs he saw them enter. Smith looked like the
very last June shad, and Mrs. Smith wiped her
eyes with the corner of her apron, "Guodness
bless me! what's the matter?'
"rhe matter Isl l want you to marry us two right
off, said Smith.
'sMarry youp' CALCULATED the clergyman with
expanded fingers, care you drunk or crnzy?"
al amt crazy, and wish was drunk" said
Smith, disparingly. "The fact is, brother Goodwin,
the Scoundrels al Trenton, unknown 10 me, and
at dead OF night, have divorced me from my wife,
the mother of nine childrel.'
'"ren," suggested Mrs. Smith who was crying.
"Here's turnpike"
Well, the good minister seeing the state of the
case, married them over again straightway aud
would not take fee.
The fact is, grave as he was, he was dying 10 be
alone, so that he could give vent 10 the suppress
ed aus hter that was shaking him all over.
And SMITH and Smiths wife went home and
kissed every of their ten children. The little
Smiths never knew that their father and mother
| had been male stranger by legislative enactment.
| Meanwhile, aud on the same night, Jones r,
turned TO his tOwn-Burlington, L believe, and
sought that line pair Of black eyes which he hoped
shortly 10 call his own. The pretty widow sat by
him The sofa, white keTchiet tied carelesssy
about her round white throat, her black hair laid
in silky waves against each rosy cheek.
"Divorce is the word,' cried Jones, playlully
patting her cheeS. ''I he TACT is, Eliza IN ru oil
the cursed woman, and you and I'll be married. to-
| night. know how to manage those scoundrels at
rrenton.s champagne supper Cor was 1t break
| Iasl?j did the business with Them Put on your
bonnet and things, and let us go 10 the preachers
| at once, dearestr'
| The widow, who was among widows as peaches
are among apples, put on the bonnet and took
Jones' ann, and
"Just look how handsome it is, put on parch-
ment," said Jones, pulling the document from his
pocket, with much rustling, spread II before her.
| "HeIe is the law that says that Jacob Jones and
| Anna Caroline Jones are two. Look at 1t.
Putting her plump gloved hand upon his shoulder
she did look at it.
r'Oh, tearl' she said with er rose bud lips, and
sank back half fainting ON the sofa.
| ooh, bazesI' cried JONES' and he sank Leside
her, rus,lng the fatal arcllIenL i'll his hands,
"Here's lots of happiness and champagne gone TO
| ruin!"
Ii was hard case. Instead of being divorced,
and at liberty to marry the widow, jacob Jones
lu ntpII nj n Ilts m y
ind " hat made it worse, authorized with his broth
er directors to construct turnpike from BurIing-
Ton 10 Bristol. When reflect that Burlington
and Bristol are located just mile apart OH the OPP
pCsite sides Of tue river you will perceive the eX-
IeIne hope lesSnrsS of Jones' case
"Irs all the fault of the id turnpike man
who gave them the champagne supper, or was it
breakfnSt?' cried Jones, IN agony. elf they'd
chartered me 10 build turnpike from Pigs Run
| TO Terrapn Hollow, might have borne 1t; but
the very idea IF building turnpike from Burning
ton 10 Bristol, bears an absurdity upon the very
| face of H."
| $50 il did,
| "And you amt dlvorced?' SAID Eliza, a tear
rolling down each cheek.
"No ~ thuudered Jones, crushing his hat be-
tween his knees, and pounLing his head with his
lists, "l amt divorced, but I'm incorporated into
a turnpike! and what's worse, the Legislature has
| adjourned and gone home drunk, and wont be back
10 Trenton till next year."
| 1t hard case.
The mistake had occurred in the last day of the
session, when the Legislators and ttanscrlbing
clerks were laborlng under the effects OF a cham
! payne supper followed by champagne breakia fast.
| The name of Smith had been put where that of
Jones ought 10 be- and 'wicey wercy,' as the Latin
| poet has IL.
Loss OF AN EAST INDnMAN.--The ship Tam
O'Shahter, of New Haven, Captain Soulr, which
sailed from Calcutta, Septr. Is, for Boston, was
abandoned at sea the 2Sth of December, with