Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-11-22
DOESTTCKS LOOKS FOR A BOARD
ING HOUSE.
Seventy hundred and one Narrow Street.


New YORK, Oct. 6, 1854.
Having become to a certain extent, fixture
in this high old town, it became necessary to
search out fit habitation, wherein | might eat,
sleep, change my shirt, (Damphool blushes,) and
attend to other comforts of the external home,
and the inner individual.
Ny friend Bull Dogge having deserted his
late place of residence, ION account of the per-
petua reign of salt mackerel at the breakfast
table,) we started together on voyage Of dscov-
cry. To describe all the diapidated gentlewo-
men whose apartments we inspected-all the
many inducements which were used to persuade
us to take up our quarters in all sorts of musty
smelling rooms, and to recount how many PROM
ises we made to "call again." would take too
much time. Suffice it to say, that at six o'clock
in the evening, wearied out and desperate, we
cast anchor in the domic of an Irish lady, with
one eye. She assured us that her boarders were
all rspictible, and found their own tbaccy, and,
that there was divil bug in the place." We
took adjoining rooms and resignedly went down
to tea
noticed that my cup had evidently sustained
a compound, comminuted fracture, and been
patched up with putty, (Which came off in my
tea)-that the bread was scant--the butter pow.
erful-the tea, "on the contrary, quite the re-
verse" e,"-however, altho' matters looked some-
what discouragng-" hoping against hope"-I
retired to my virtuous sheets; horror ofhorrors
o, most horrible!
For two hours maintained a sanguinary CON-
bat with an odoriferous band of determined cam
nibal insects-armed only with u fre.shove,
gallantly kept up the unequal conflict, but the
treacherous implement broke at the critical mo-
ment; | thought should be compelled to yield
| despair filled all my senses, my heart failed
me--my brain grew dizzy with horror, hurried
| thoughts of enemies unpardoned, of duties neg
lected, and of errors committed, rushed across
my mind, last thought of cherished home, and
absent friends, was in my heart, and with a has
ty prayer for mercy and forgiveness, was at the
point of yielding, when my frantic eye caught
sight of my cast iron boot jack-with an excla.
nation ofp0us gratitude to heaven (Bull Dogge
says il did not sound so to him. seized it, and
with the desperate strength of dying man.
renewed the battle, and eventually came off vic.
torious and triumphant. Weary with slaughter
| fell exhausted on the bed and slept till morn.
ing; Bull Dogge, who had been engaged in the
same delightful occupation, appeared at the
breakfast table, with one eye black, and his face
spotted like a she tiger. We held council OF
war, and resolved instantly to quit the premi.
ses of the Emerald Islander, who had agreed to
"lodge and eat" us, (he she Cyclops,) and who
had so nearly fulfilled the latter clause by
proxy.
Another search and another home Here fol
a week things went on tolerably well, the steak
was sometimes capable of masiicntion, the cof
fee wasn't always weak, nor the butter always
strong; but one day there appeared at breakfast
dish of beef, (Bull Dogge asserts that it was
the fossie remains of an omnibus horse) it was
not molested at dinner it made its appearance
again, still it was not disturbed at tea frag
ments of it were visible but it yet remained un
touched; in the morning a tempting looking
stew made its appearance, but, alas, it was only
a weak invention of the enemy to conceal tht
ubiquitous beef; at dinner a meat pie ensbrin
ed portion of the aforesaid beef; it went away
unharmed. For week, every day, at every
meal, in every subtle form, in some ingen
ous disguise, still was forced upon our notice
this omuipresent beef; it went through mor'
changes than Harlequin in the Pantomime, ant
like that nimble individual came always out un
injured 9aia
At the end Of the second day Bull Dogg
grumbed to himself, the third he spoke out il
meeting" the fourth he d--mned audibly, tn
fifth he had an hours swear to himself in hi
own room, the sixth, seventh and eight he pre-
served dignifed silence, but his silence wa
ominous, on the ninth day we both left.
Our next laudlady had gigantic mouth, bu