Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1854-07-20


friends, who did not understand me, were
continually upbraidng me, for my want Of
stability and en,reating me to become pre-
manenllS located. They were strangers
TO the deep and holy mysteries of the heart,
and scorned to unbosom myself to them,
because knew they were incapable Of SYM
pa,hizing with me. Cold and selfish as they
were, have prayed thousands times that
my organization had been similar TO theirs;
for under those circumstances | should not
have been what am. But no matter. Al
though they are reposing in the bosom Of
their families, enjoying the comforts and
delights of The world, while roam here
and there, miserable heart-blighted vaga-
bond, do not complain. Perhaps ] am
fulfilling some great mission for which J
was created, and will eventually realize, in
all its force and beauty, the idea Of the poet
when he says:
go fear not in world like this,
And thou shalt know ere long;
| Know how sublime thing it is
To suffer and be strong.
lie, me return from my DEPRESSION.
Time passed, and The dislike 10 any con-
stan. employment, and to the scenes and
associations of my youth and early man.
hood grew so strong within me, that it was
impossible to abide amongst them. ]
wandered off in quest of something that
would engage and ares! my attention facul-
ties; but the search was in vain. ! was
,ormen,ed with the same longing desire as
before. The same ideal being now so
mady loved was ever before me, but was
incapable of filling the "aching void" she
had created. She was ever present to my
sight, but eIuded my touch.
Those who have experienced the pros.
ira Ting effects upon the system of a single
unsalisfed desire, can form some faint idea
of the condition in which this ceaseess and
Unsuitable hear-yearning kept me. And
yet, Lnever once though! that was labor
ing under fearful deluson, which must
inevitably be followed by sad awakening,
and now look back upon my conduct with
amszement. Can i. be possible that !, who
have so much cocirol over my feelings
that |, who can gaze unmoved on any and
every ohiec,,-,hal who could thrust my
arm 10 The shoulder in the devouring flame
and as the flesh shrivelled and fell of, could
prevent groan from escaping my lips, or
a muscle Of my face relaxing-can it be
possible that | ever could have become so
infatuated When reason calmly and ra-
,onally on the subject, begin at times to
doubt my sanity and feel like throwing down
my pen and letting the great secret Of my
life remain forever sealed in my own heart
through fear that may be stared al. and
pointed out as a maniac. But no: ! can
no. rest with it there !; and lie, the conse.
quences be what they may, will proceed.
Six years had now passed since the j.
deal Dora for such was the name had
given her-frs, dawned upon my vision, and
during all that time had been agilated with
hope and fear. and trembling with excite
men, and suspense. knew she was mine
wholly end entirely mine yet could OBJ
tain no tangible evidence of the fact. ]
could not clasp her to nay bosom. and
pour Into her ear the compressed es-
sence of my long pen,-up and concentrated
love, and feel her heart respond by sympa-
lhelic ,hrobs. Although ] could obtain
glorious gIimpses Of her divine face and fig
ure, and feel her like spiritual presence,
lingering ever near me, yet no sllvery voice
fell upon my ear to s,oo,he and gladden., and
my soul grew sick and weary from lis ever
ceaseless yearning.
TO alay the pangs ofmy intolerable rap
ture-I pursued what seems to me now a
singular course. Ishunned society; avoided
NEE ting my acquain,ances, and SO fer ss
the business at which ! was compelled TO
labor 10 earn subsistence would permit,
retired from the world altogether, go ]
should have nothing whatever 10 wean my
thoughts from her. Thus segregated as i!
were from humanity, and deriving no sus-
tenance from without. for my thoughts, but
suffering them TO dwell upon her without
intermission, my passion in short time be-
came so intense that experienced The Wild
est agonies of pleasure.
Such language may perhaps sound strange
but it expresses my condition. | was filled
with such agonizIng yet pleasurable sensa-
lions tina, if nothing had occurred 10 allay
their fierceness, they must inevitably have
DESTROYED me in a few months.
One evening, while INDUCING as usual in
my reverles, strange, win Soiee 'o"s III
nv ear, and uttered distinctly three times,
"She ia dead she is dead !! she is dead Up
The voice was prelernaIural and unearshly.
| had never heard j. before; yet my heart
told me on the ins,ant.it .referredlo Dora,
and that the sad announcement was too
true.
By severe training have enabled myself
/, endure almost any amount of mental or
physical suffering. could stand by the
quivering corpse of the nearest and dearest
friend have on earth, and no, shed tear,
or show by the slightest emotion symptom
Of sorrow. YET when the fearful tIdIngs OF
the death Of tina, ideal loved one fell upon