The miners' express. (Dubuque, Iowa) 1849-1854, 1854-01-04
SOLOMON SW ALLOW.
THE WOMAN TANER.
"RULE WIFE AND HAVE WIFE

"RuLE WIFE AND HAVE WIFE
Solomon Swallow was a bachel ,r, and rusty
me too; bu, nevertheless he had made up his
mind 10 one thing, that he was the only man
living who had acquired any knowledge OF the
art OF taking care Of wife. t.All the marri Il
men are doltS, was Solomon constant ub er-
raton 'Fhere, for instance, is my nerhhor,
Tom Tangible; his wife makes suii of three
legged stool of him; she moves him in one cor
ner and then in another and sits on bin, and
walks on him as if he was nobody in the house
while he, poor man, takes it as easy az though
it was the most natural thing in the world Now
if were only Tom Tangible, Id first write
series of matrimonial articles ard if Mrs L
dldnt abide by them, I'd submit her to the
wholesome discipline Of bread and water and
paddock and might, p"rbaps, brighten her
IDEAS touching her c,nj ugal du les, by the ap-
plica,"n Of good cawhide And there ngain
are Evert Easy, Dick Snooks, and host more
OF them in the same condition, but l. I'm he
boy that will set them all right if they only fol-
low my example, after have conde.cendtd 10
rnd"w some fortunate to male with the legal
clai :, TO the title of Mrs Swallow
Brave Solomon Swallow.
"Wel Solomon said nciehbor to him one
morning, "as you are always boastpg OF your
xii in managing wife, how comes it that you
| are moi married p
"Whv, because have not perfected my sys
tenn You pokcd your head into the moose
without making any preparation. and hence
Mrs Evrrly makes what she likes Of you But
| g" 10 work logically. began studying The
erudite WORKS of Zngrubazo -sOn The pl,os-
| ophy OF woman's holding her tongue then
read several treaties on the effect of bread and
water ipline in making good wives. Shake
Shraty furn oil. I,
| good many excellent practical les ,ons. Aud
| am now generalizing all their systems into
one, which carry the sway in oil future genera
tons, and convert the plague of matrimony
INTO blessing. In the course of year or So"
added Solomon, "my Rules for the regulation
Of Woman Il intend to publish it will be com.
plet.d, and then | shall take me wife
And Solomon was as good as his word, for at
the age of thirty.tive Qeeling himself prepared
10 give battle TO any woman in or out of the
land OF Amazons,) he got married. AT this
important period, Sol mon was as puffy, COM
Portable looking a little fellow as you d meet in
a days walk, for albeit the crown of his head
never stood full FIVE feet from the heels of his
boots, as he was of proportions that would have
done honor 10 an alderman, or even lord
mayor; and his gait, Especially when walking
with anything in the likeness Of woman,) was
as pompous az Sultan's, while at such times
| his countenance always assumed an expression
bat could not have brookcd the approach Of
female familiarity.
| The lady whom Solomon had chosen for his
''worser half was apparently lamb like crra
ture, so that ,he chances very fair that she
would not only be tractabe wife, but that
Solomon would require no help from his system
to make her So
Now Solomon had the forbearance not to in
terftre with his ladys sayings and doings on
the wedding, nor is il recorded that ne assumed
special authority on the next night either but
about six o'clock next morning, he softly insn
uated to his sleeping partner that it was time to
get up.
"And,' he added "when breakfast is ready
you may call me, but be sure and not burn the
toast"
breakfast and toast said Mrs. Swallow,
"why. what do you mean"
"Why, my dear mean, madam, that have
begun my system
"And won't you get up too 7"
"Yes, when breakfast is ndy, and my stock.
ings aired p
! Mrs. Swallow was about to reply, but she
checked herself, she ashamed 10 say
much to him on short acquaintance but
though in the present instance she did precisely
as she was bid. she resolved in her heart ,ha, it
was the last time she would get up at six in the
morning to prepare breakfast
A, eight o'clock every thing being ready Mrs
Swallow called Mr.. Swallow.
"Breakfast is ready, MIR. Swallow
us the toast made 7"
ayes
mot hurned''
"No" HsE#
care my stockings aired'
eyes"
"you'I do, quoth Mr. Swallow, and to break
fast he went, having received the services of the
bushing Mrs. Swallow TO assist him in dress
/ ing.
The breakfast however, dd not turn out to be
the thing it had been crack ked up for. The toast
was done little too much, and the tea WASH I
done quite enough, the slop bowl was al the
wrong end of the tray; and there were several
crumbs on the carpet
"The servant hasn't been here this morning.
Observed Mrs. Sallow.
"Servant !" returned Solomon 81 discharg-
ed her yesterday. "You don't think can aiFord
to keep servant and wife too''
The lady was again posed, and she said moth
NC, but the day wore to its close before she
could bring herself to the belief that Mr.. Swa.
low had actually made Of the words "ser
want and 'wfe' in the same sentence.
The mex morning at six o'clock, Mr.. Swal-
low again Informed his wife that it time TO
set up. coupling the remarks with the sugges-
lion that in future she must save him the
trouble of reminding her oil so necessary a
duty.
MIR Swallow, however, benefited nothing bv
this soft nsinuation, for at the moment she either
was. or pretended TO be, fast locked IN the arms
of Morpheus.
"Dont you hear, Mrs. Swallow p quo'h
Solomon,
But alas a slight consciousness was the only
response from Mr. Swallow.
Now this was tlcklish point with Solom II,
but he prepared for it. ''What SAYS my
system on this head ~ said he t. himself mus
ingIy cit says that lazy life who lays abed
in the morning, may be very properly reminded
of her duty by the jIdicious application Of a
coercon pin And this magnificent idea had
scarcely crossed the threshold of his brain pan,
than he inserted the point OF huge pin IN the
ght arm of the sleeper. As might be expect
ed, the intended effect instantly followed The
cause, for the astonished Mrs. Swallow spran9
from the bed as though she had been lhrown
from it by an earthquake! But al - her agility
was too striklngiy man tested, Tor she not only
all but annihilated poor Solomon in ron. over
{ him, bu she dashed MS pateat lever from the
nail which suspended it to The wall, and broke
dial into n thousand pieces
"Wha dreadful dream,' CALCULATED MRS.
Swallow, pressing her left hand on her woui ded
arm
"Htat a dreadful reality shouted Mr. Swal
low, conte templating the fragile runs OF his de
mollshcd time peace
Here we pass over .he interval between this
occurrence and the time when The happy pair IN
que ston were seated at breakfast.
snow, Mrs. Swallow, said Solomon, ''see-
ing that can't awake 10 call you up ~ the
morning, or eat burned toast, ~ drink raw tea
&C. &c 1t is time | should b.gin to instruct
you in your duties,
"And what are those, Mr.. Swallow"
BE silent, madam, if you please; not to
talk but listen, is one Of the most important OF
, them
Proceed sir -
And Mr. Swallow laoking daggers at ne lf"r
the second interruption, proceeded
: "From six till eight you to get up, dress
quietly SO 10 create no disturbance, light lire,
air clothing and stockings, sweep iuoms, prepare
breakfast, aud announce the perfection Thereof
Eight TIL ten, wash tea things make BEDS, rub
furniture and clean W ndows. Fen to twelve