davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
/" HE'S A SNOB."

It is a remark often heard. You hear It on
the street at the fashionable assembly in the
drawing.room crowded with fools and furbe-
lows; eyerywheres. The reason we hear the
remark SO frequently, is because there are so
many snobs in Cleveland. But what is snob I?
As general definition, we may say snob is a
brainless thing in the human shape, which emu
lates the virtues of the peacock, and the good
qualities of the butterfly. In other words, the
snob is the man who esteems money tantamount
to every thing else, man may acquire. Or to
place the class the genus, more clearly before
the eye, let us describe specimen. Let us
place the animal under the microscope of com.
mon sense, and see what we shall see.'
First, the snob is blessed by nature with a sim
gularly meaningless expression of countenance.
He looks rich, not intelligent. There is an air
of hauteur about him, that repels and disgusts.
Being artificial, his bearing is stiff and unnatur-
al. His conversation is not usually Of very
high character. Talk to him of fast nags, and
dogs, and the boys, and all that-his tongue
moves gbly. Speak of literature, history, poll
tics, anything requiring brains, and he votes you
bore of the first order. His dress is character
istic. The collar of his coat encroaches on the
domain of his hat, which article is Of the latest
and most il-sbaped style. His collar is camel
leopardian in its altitude His pants are just the
size and shape of his legs. His boots are most
essentially stubbed. he is in fact, IN toto and in
appearance a +" sthupid ath."
But the snobs are not confined alone to this
class. You find them in petticoats as well as in
pantaloons. Sometimes they have gray hairs
upon their heads-unless they wear wigs. Go
to the fashionable party, and you will see snob-
berry in all its glory. Go to the fashionable
church, and see how snobbery worships God
Go to the fashionable concert, and see snobbery
enjoy itself. Go to the home of the poor and
suffering, and you see snobbery-not there =
Go to the Ragged School, and you will find
snobbery-not present!
The snob is in fact a despicable being
Where there are so many herded together in one
place, society suffers. More in this land Of free
dom and equality than any other, is the Goldfish
aristocracy prevalent, and it is so. Give our
country almost any curse rather than the bitter,
black, damnable curse of snobbery!
[Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
COULDN'T CURE HIM.

A good story is told in an eastern paper, Of
the treatment of drunken husband by his ami
able spouse. After trying several experiments,
all to cure drunkenness, she thought of another
plan of making reformed drunkard of her lord !:
She engaged watchman for stipulated re-
ward, to carry Philander to the watch-house
while yet in state of ofinsensibility and to fright
en- him little when he recovered. In conse-
quence of this arrangement, Philander walked up
at about eleven o'clock at night, and found him
self lying on pine bench in strange and dim
apartment. Raising himself up on his elbow, he
looked around until his eyes rested on man
seated by stove smoking cigar.
"Where am l." said Philapder.
ain medical college," said the cigar-smoker.
"What doing there!"
"Going to be cut up"
"How comes that!"
"Why you died yesterday, while you were
drunk, and we bought your body to make a'nat-
omy."
"It's a lie,--I am not dead"
"No matter-we bought your carcass from
your wife, who had right to sell it, for it's all
the good that she could make of you. Ifyou're
not dead, that's no fault Of the doctors and they
will cut you up, dead or alive"
"You will do it, eh!" asked the old sot.
cay, to be sure we will, now directly, was the
resoute answer.
"Well can't you let us have something tc
drink before you begin?"
This last speech satisfied the watchman that
Philander was hopeless case: and, as his re-
ward was contingent on his successful treatment
of the patient; he was not little chagrined al
the result so with no gentle handling, he tum
bled the irreformable inebrate out of the watch
house,
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
PARODIES.

II is too bad to connect laugh with the beauti
'ul lines of LoNGFELLOw's which are here paro
lied but the execution is SO perfect we can not re-
list copying:
aTHE DAY rs DONE"
The day is done, and the darkness
From the wing of night is loosed,
AS a feather is waited downward
From chicken going to roost
see the light of the baker
Clean through the rain and mist,
And feeling of sadness comes DER me,
That cannot well resist
A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not like being sick,
And resembles a sorrow only
As a brick-bat resembles brick.
Come, get for me some supper
good and regular meal
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And Danish the pain feel.
Then get me tender sirloin,
From off the bench or hook,
And lend to its sterling goodness
The science of the cook.
And the night snail DC Hlleu Wltn COInlOrt,
And the cares with which it begun
Shall fold up their blankets like Indians
And silently cut and run.
PHEBE CAREY.
Uy- The Montreal Pilot gets up very tolerablt
imitation of HOODS Song of the Shirt"
Toll toll, toll,
AS the constant drop on stone,
So this ceasecss, endless work,
Wears away body and bone!
Though the poet sputter and write,
Though the orator bully and brawl,
If it were not for the editors pen
What were the use of it all
Toll toll, TOLL
Christians, Mormons, and Jews;
Is there a man on this weary earth
But grows richer by reading the news
Richer, richer, richer,
AS they read it by sunlight and taper;
And yet there isn't soul of them all
But grudges to pay for his paper!
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

How THE CoNTNENTALs STOOD IN ARMS
To Y man they wore small clothes, coming down
and fastening just below the knee, and long
stockings, with cowhide shoes ornamented with
large buckles; while not a pair of boots graced
the company The coats and wastcoats were
loose and of huge dimensions, with colors as va
rious as the barks of oak, sumach, and other
trees of our hills and swamps could make them ;
and their shirts were all made of flax, and, like
every other part of the dress, were homespun.
On their heads was worn large round top and
broad -brmmed hat. Their arms were as vari-
Gus as their costume. Here an old soldier car
ried Queen Ann, which had done service at
the conquest of Canada twenty years previous,
while by his side walked STRIPPING boy with q
Spanish fuzee not half its weight or calibre
which his grandfather may have taken at the Ha-
vana; while not few had old French pieces
that dated back to the reduction Of Louisberg
Instead of the cartridge-box, large powder.
horn was slung under the arm, and occasionally
a bayonet might be seen bristling in the ranks
Some of the swords of the officers had beer
made by our province blacksmiths, perhaps o.
some farming utensl they looked servceable
but heavy and uncouth. Such was the appear.
ance of the Continentals, TO whom q well.ap
pointed army was soon to lay down their arms
After little exercising on the old Common
and performing the then popular exploit o
"whipping the snake" they briskly filed up th
road by the foot of the Kidder Mountain, an,
through the Spafford Gap, towards Peterboro
to the tune of Over the hills and far away"
History of New Ipswich.
If forbearance be not found where extreme
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
WASN'T SHE SPUNKYa

A couple who had lived together some years
in contentment, one day went fishing, and tied
their boat By rope to post in the water. All
of sudden the boat went floating down the
stream, and the contest of words Immediately
arose as to the real cause of the parting of the
rope. The wife said it must have been cut with
the scissors, but the husband, an unfeeling old
fogy, stoutly maintained that it was knife that
done the business. Scissors! said the wife.
Knife said the husband Scissors, knife, scis-
sors, knife, said both; but at last the husband,
losing his temper, cried out, "if you say scis-
sors again, I'll duck YOU"
"Scissors" said the wife, determined to hold
out to the last .r
Away went the old woman in the water, and
as she came up the first time, she beloved,
Scissors!" at the top of her voice. The old
man pushed her down again. =. rp
"Scis-sors" sputtered she, in fainter tones
as she rose again, but the old fellow had her by
the head, and plump she went down for the
third time. Now she rose more slowly and as
her water-logged form neared the surface, hav-
ing lost the power of articulation, yet determined
never to give in, she thrust her hand out of the
water, and initiated with the first and second
fingers the opening and shutting of scissors
The old man was then convinced that it was
useless to Try to fetter woman's speech.
PUNCH.-In his series of lectures in N. York,
Mr.. Dion Bourcicault gave the following history
of the London Punch:-
1t was concocted in the dark parlor of pub
lie house, behind Dury Lane Theatre. The pres
ent editor of Punch was the landlord of that
tavern, and in that room assembled almost every
night, some Of the liveliest wits of the day.
more noted for wit than money. The landlord
made good punch, and around the bowl these
men would sit drinking, smoking and cracking
jokes. The landlord proposed that their jokes
should not be wasted, that their wit start com.
c paper. A good idea, but what name to give
it! "What nome--the child should have its IA
theirs name." And the landlord pointed to the
bowl of punch. And the paper was started
1t struggled on about year, and then was sold
for f1O0 to Messrs. Bradbury g. Evans, the firm
that printed it, The best writers in England
hastened to their standard. 1t has the honor of
being expelled from seven kingdoms on the con-
| tinent of Europe. One night, at Lady Blessing
tons, said Mr.. Bourcicault, Lord Brougham told
me that he would rather stand weeks roasting
in the House of Peers, than scareifying joke
in Punch.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

JUSTICE AT SANTA FE.-John Greiner, in a
letter dated Nov. 80, to the Ohio State Journal,
relates the following summary proceedings at
Santa Fe, New Mexico:
Coming out from breakfast the other morn
ing, was rather surprised at seeing fellow
hanging to a pole by the neck, as dead as q
mackerel. After some little inquiry learned
that two Texans who had come up with the
southern mail the day before, had concluded to
get up spree, to clear out the town of Santa
Fe, head it up, put stone on it, and sell it to
the highest bidder. For this purpose they call
ed at the Fonta, where number ofpersons were
engaged in playing cards. and while one of them
succeeded in raising row, the other drew his re-
volver without saying word, and commenced
shooting. The second shot struck Mr. N. Ii.
Smith, our former delegate, in the breast and all
supposed he was certainly killed. He was car
ried home. bleeding profusely, and put to bed.
The doctors did not suppose he could live an
hour, and in the midst of the excitement. the one
that fired the pistol was taken, tried and hung,
and the other fellow taken to jail. A coroncr's
jury was empannelled the next morning, and the
verdict was, that the deceased came to his
death by strangulaton, caused by hanging; by
persons unknown" Nobody did it! Mr.. Smith
(by the way, glorious fellow in defiance of the
doctors, is in fair way ofrecovery, and is worth
dozen dead men vet. How he escaped death
is wonderful. The pistol was large dragoon
revolver, heavily loaded, fired within an arms
length the ball striking him in the left breast
making hole as large as q quarter of dollar
and lodging under his left arm. He is possibly
reserved for higher end Quien Sabe!
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

BABY SHows.-The New York Evening Mir
ror says gravely, with regard to the baby shows
advertised in various parts of the country
"The subject is worthy of serious and philo-
sophical consideration. If one half the pains
were taken to improve the human race that
there is to improve the breed of sheep, the blood
of horses, and the size Of pumpkins, we should
have some hope for the 'perfectability of man.
kind But so long as physical and moral de-
formity and disease are licensed to perpetuate
themselves, the breed of ill-shapen sinners will
continue to multiply so rapidly as to postpone
the millennium beyond the boundary of human
hope"
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

The following is specimen of the Lords
Prayer, in the style in use six xhundred years ago: /:
"Fader ure in heune haeweide beothe thi
neunne, bumen thi kuneriche the willie beothe
idon in heune and in erthe. Ure euerych darve
bred gi fous thilk darve. And vorzif ure dettes,
as vi vorzifen ure dettoures. And lede Gus
nought into temptatioun bot delyver Gus from
evel. Amen"
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

ADvERTIs1NG.-A little man behind a big rock,
with platter full of pearls, at only one cent a
piece, and keeping his own counsel, would prob
ably sell nothing. l. is of the greatest impor-
tance to make yourself and your goods known.
A frog in the night attracts more attention than
an OK, for he cries aloud and spares not. The
profits arising from advertising are not conceiv-
ed by those who have not tried it. To those
who have, we need not say word for they will
will never discontinue the custom.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

WASHINGTON HOUSE. BY Henry Penney
er. The proprietor has the past spring newly
fitted and partly re-furnshed this House, and
feels confident visitors will find the House to
compare favorably with the best in the State.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

HENRY GRIFFIN, Justice of the Peace and
Notary Public for Ottawa County, has resumed
his former Land Agency business, and will at
tend promptly to the payment of non-resident's
taxes; will negotiate for the purchase or sale of
both pine and farming lands. Deeds, Bonds or
mortgages, &C.. executed at reasonable rates
and with despatch. Office opposite the Wash
ington House, Grand Haven.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

HORA CE MERRILL, Boot and Shoemaker.
Boots and Shoes neatly repaired and all orders
promptly tended to. Shop one door below the
Washington House.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

HOPKINS g. BROTHERS, Storage, Forward
ing and Commission Merchants; general dealers
in all kinds of Dry Goods, Groceries, Grain and
Provisions; manufacturers and dealers whole
sale and retail in all kinds Of lumber. Mill
Point, Mich.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

WILLIAM TELL HOTEL, BY Herman Jo
achm. This House is pleasantly situated with
excellent rooms we'll furnished, and the table
abundantly supplied with the luxures and SUBJ
stantials of life.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

j. MULDER, Clock and Watch Maker, Mill
Point, Mich, is prepared to do all kinds of work
in the best manner and on the most reasonable
terms.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
A clergyman was asked to read the notice oi

"He stretched out his hands, pronounced the
benedcton; then, catching up piece of paper
said he had forgotten to read the following no.
tice: AT halfpast 6to-night,at the school-house
in the first district, hen will attempt to crow 7
He never had any more such notices"
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

c. DAVIS g. CO.. Dealers in Dry Goods Groce
ries, Provisions, Hardware Crockery, Boots and
Shoes, &c. Muskegon Mich.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

REED. Attorney and Counsel
lor at Law. All business intrusted to me will be
promptly and satisfactorily attended to. Resi-
dence, Charleston Landing Ottawa Co. Mich
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
THE GRAND RIVER TIMES
As PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY EVENING, BY
j. w. BARNS d Co.

j. w. BARNS q Co.
Office over III. Grittn's Store, Washington Street.
Co TERIS.-Payment I'm Advance.
Taken at the office, or forwarded by mall 81. 90
Delivered by the carrier in the village, ----- 80
One shilling in addition to the above will be
charged for every three months that payment Is
delayed.
No paper discontinued until all arrearages are
paid, except at the discretion of the publishers
Terms OF Advertising.
One square 12 lines less), first insertion fifty
cents twenty five cents for each subsequent inser
ton. Legal advertisements at the rates prescrib-
ed by law. Yearly or monthly advertisements as
follows
l square l month, sl,OO square year, 500 So 90
l 200 ! column 1000
/ 800 month, 500
Advertisements unaccompanied with written or
verbal directions, will be published until ordered
out. and charged for. When postponement is
added to an advertisement, the whole will be
charged the same as for the first insertion.
Oy- Letters relating to business, to receive at
tention, must be addressed to the publishers-post
paid.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

H. M. MiTCHELL q CO., Forwarding and
Commission Merchants Fire Praof Rricl, Ware
house, Nos. 192 and 1914 South Water Street..
Chicago. Ill. Goods received and forwarded to
Grand Haven with dispatch, and at the lowest
figure. Cash advances made on consignments.
WI PREUSSER. Watch Maker and Jewcler.
below the Catholic Church, Grand Rapids. Mich
Particular attention paid to repairing ane
Watches
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

HoRRIBLE.-Some crusty old bachelor, hav-
ing been Tilted by his bright particular star, in
a fit of desperation penned the following horri-
BILE slander upon "female women" in general:
The girls are all a fleeting show,
For mans illusion given;
Their smiles of joy, their tears OF woe,
Deceitful shine, decetful flow
There's not one true in seven.
When Omar Pasha captured a number of
Russian officers, he demanded their names sew
orally, which were written down as follows:
Shoot-off, Baz. off, PekiDs-off, and Menzik-of.
Then says Omar, Iakemali-oE they were con-
Quoted TO prison.
During 1853 there died in the United States
thirty.four persons of the age of 100 years and
upwards. One was aged ll3, two 100, one 1913,
and one l26. The united ages of the thirty-four
amount to 1857 years, or an average to each of
1861 years.
A COOP ONE.-The Lowell Advertiser asks
"what is the difference between an attempted
homicide, and Cincinnati hog butchery? One
is an assault with intent to kill, and the other Is
y kill with intent to salt"
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

New USE OF WoRps.-The correspondent of
the Brattleboro Eagle tells the following story
of witness upon liquor trial. How do you
know it was brandy?" asked the lawyer
"Well," replied the witness, 81 smelled it first,
and then acelcon,ed about glass of it," The
unexpected verb wholly upset the gravity of the
court, jury, and miscellaneous people; and they
were not at all assisted in recovering their
equanimity by his further testimony that the
man who bought the brandy drank Of it him
self till he was quite salubrious."
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

L. NJ. s. SMITH, Dealer in Drugs, Medicines,
Paints Oils and Dye Stutfs. Dry Goods. Groce-
ries and Provisions, Crockery, Hardware, Books,
Stationery, &c. At the Post Office corner of
Park and Barber Streets Mill Point, Mich.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

MUSHROOM ARIsTocRAcY.-The Newbury-
port Herald, alludng to the growing evil of ex-
travagance in the United States says:
"There is not a country in the world where
the people are becoming so extravagant in their
mode of dress and living, as in the United
States. 1t is one of the worst signs of the
times. The habits of this mushroom arstocra-
are really disgusting. How it looks to see boys
sporting diamonds by the thousand dollars
worth at time, whose fathers are accustomed
to wheelbarrows, and whose children are pretty
certain to be in the work-house. And girls, sill
ly, simpering things, weighed down with jewels
and bracelets, whose mothers broke their backs
at the washing-tub, securing floors, and picking
oakum. The real substantial arstocracy never
indulge in such fopperies and fooleries.'
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

If forbearance be not found where extremes
meet, confusion will prevail
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22
BUSINESS DIRECTORY--1S54

tGILBERT G. DURFEE, Under Sheriff and
acting Sheriff of Ottawa County, Mich, also
Constable in and for the township of Ottawa in
said County. Office opposite the Washington
House, Grand Haven, Mich.
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

1t is too bad to connect laugh with the beauti-
full lines of LoNGFELLow's which are here paro-
died. but the execution is perfect we can not re-
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

FERRY q SONS, Dealers in Dry Goods. Gro
cerics, Provisions, Hardware. Clothing, Boots
and Shoes, Crockery and Medicines; and man.
ufacturers and dealers in all kinds of lumber.
Water street.
VIM. M. FFRRY Jr, w. M Cnnv
THos. w. FERRY. ' -' i'
Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1854-02-22

WILLIAM IA THA WAY, Jr., Judge of Pro-
bate for Ottawa Co. p. o. address, Crockery
Ottawa Co., Mich.
The daily comet. [volume] (Baton Rouge, La.) 1850-1856, 1854-07-14
A NEW FIRM

A NEW FIRM
And New Jswslry-Ha1nsy House Row.
Sign Of the Biggest Watch.
TNHEODORE GOLDMANN, Watchma-
i ker and Jsweller-respectfully informs
his old frienus and the public in general
that he has permanently located himself
here, and calls their attention to the supe-
rior advantages he possesses for repairing
Watches, Clocks, Music Boxes aed Jewelry.
He also keeps constantly on hand, a fine as
sortment OF JEWELRY, consisting in part
of fine gold and silver watches, gold vest,
fob and guardchains, gold pens with gold or
silver holders, gold, silver and german spec
tacles, gold lockets, fngerings, earrings, Ia
dies and gentlemen breastpins, shirt-studs
and sleeve buttons, heart slides, ladies belt
slides, necklaces, bracelets clasps, gold and
silver thimbles, watches, earrings, &c. Also
a splendid assortment Of clccks, Tampa, cut
lery and fancy articles, and many others
too numerous to mention, all of which he
offers :or sale cheap for cash, ut the sign of
the BlGEsT WATCH.
NJ B. All work done at this establish
u'ent is warranted to perform well. Watch
es and clocks warranted for twelve months.
TERMs-one price and CASH. Ljuly 6-y.
The daily comet. [volume] (Baton Rouge, La.) 1850-1856, 1854-07-14

]. McCoRMlcx. Pm. HArcx.
MCCORMICK 4 Co..
BOOKSELLERS AND STATIONERE.
Baton ugs, La.
SCHOOL BOOKS, STANDARD LITE
rary, Scientific and Miscellaneous Books.
Cheap Publications, and the Principle Ma
gaines and Periodicals constantly on hand.
Also-AMERICAN and FOREIGN
Writing Papers, Blank Books, Envelopes,
Copying Presses, Drawing Papers, Bristol
Boads, Monohromatic Boards. &: VII.
The daily comet. [volume] (Baton Rouge, La.) 1850-1856, 1854-07-14
Delays are DANGEROUS.

Delays are dangerous.
Why suffer with, cough, cold or any
w disease of the Throat, Breast and
Lungs when certain cure is so easily effec-
ed by using.
"WIsrERs HovRnouND CANDY"
This Medicine is judicious combination
of the best texpectorants in the Materia Med
ica. The most stubborn Coughs and Colds
yield to it readily, and il is found to give re-
lief even in confirmed cases of Consumption
tits not merely palliative,as many articles Of
its nature, Out possesses great curative quail
tiles Forsale by WM BOGEL Agent.