Washington sentinel. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1853-1855, 1854-01-22
Turnpike and Divorce.

s.A"s NC iniSht marry the pretty woman, VINO, Dy
the way, was widow, with black eyes, and such
a BUST Therefore Jones came to Trenton to
get divorce.
Smith had good wife, plump as turtle,
good as an angel and the mother of ten chill.
dren, and Smith did not want to get divorce,
but he did want to get turnpike or plank
road from Pigs Run to Terrapin Hollow.
Well, they, with these different errands, came
to Trenton, and addressed the assembled wis.
dom with the usual arguments: LIST, suppers,
mainly composed of oysters, with rich back
ground of venison; I'd, liquids in great plenty
from Jersey lightning, Ia Kind of locomotive at
full speed reduced to liquid shape,) to Newark
champagne. To speak in plain terms, Jones,
the divorce man, gave a champagne supper,
and Smith, the turnpike man, followed on with
champagne breakfast.
Under the modifying influences of these APP
pliances the assembled wisdom passed the d.
vorce and turnpike bills; and Jones and Smith
went home rejoicing, over miles of sand, and
through the tribulation of many stage coaches.
Smith arrived home the nexteyening; and, as he
Shutdown in the parlor, his loving wife beside him.
how pretty she did look and five of his chill
dren asleep overhead, and the other FIVE study
ing their lessons in the corner of the room,
Smith was induced to expatiate upon the good
results OF his mission to Trenton.
"A turnpike, my dear-I am one of the d.
rectors, and will be president it will set us up,
love, we can send the children to boarding.
school, and live in style out of the toll. Here
is the charter, honey"
Let me see it." said the pleased wife, who
was one of the incest of women, with plump.
ness and goodness dimpled all over her face;
Let me see it." and leaned over Smiths
shoulder pressing her arm upon his own, as
she looked at the parchment all at once
Smiths face grew long. Smiths wife's visage
grew dark Smith was not profane, but now
he ripped forth an awful oath, Oh, wife,
those Internal scoundrels at Trenton haze d. :
Uorced as n
It was too true The parchment which he
heldwas a bill of divorce, in which the name of
Smith and Smiths wife appeared in frightfully
legible letters. Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes
with the corner Of her apron. Here's Turn
pike" said she sadly and with the whole ten
children staring her in the face, i amt your
wife-here's turnpike I"
On, the turnpike and legislature, and
the -"
Well the factis, that Smith, reduced to single
blessedness, Z" enacted" into stranger to his
own wife, swore awfully. Although the night
was dark, and most of the denizens of Smiths
village had gone to bed, Smith babe his late
wife put on her bonnet, and arm in arm they
proceeded to the house Of the clergyman Of
their church.
Goodness bless me-" exclaimed the mild
good man, as he saw them enter. Smith look
ing like the very last June shad, and Mrs
Smith wiped her eyes with the corner Of her
apron, Goodness bless me! what's the matter?"
The matter is, want you to marry us two
right off" said Smith. \.
Marry you'll calculated the Clergyman with
expanded fingers, " are you drunk or crazy?n
IL amt crazy, and wish was drunk said
Smith, disparingly. The factis, brother God
win, that some scoundrels at Trenton, unknown
to me, and at dead of night, have divorced me
from my wife, the mother of nine children;''
Ten" suggested Mrs. Smith who was cry
ing. Here's O turnpike!'
Well, the good minister seeing the state of
The case, married them over again straightway
and would not take fee.
The fact is, grave as he was, he was dying
% be alone, so that he could give vent to the sup
pressed laughter that was shaking him all over.
And Smith and Smiths wife went home and
Kissed every one of their ten children. The
little Smiths never knew that their father and
mother had been made strangers by legislative
enactment
Meanwhile, and on the same night, Jones re-
turned to his town-Burlington believe, and
sought that fine pair of black eyes which he
hoped shortly to call his own. The pretty Wild
DIV sat by him on the sofa, white herchief tied
,arelessly about her round white throat, her
black hair laid in silky waves against each rosy
cheek.
Divorce is the word, y cried Jones, playfully
batting her cheek. The fact is, Eliza I'm
nd OF the cursed woman, and you and I'll be
married tonight. | know how to manage
shese scoundrels at Trenton. A champagne
supper, Tor was it breakfast?) did the business
With them. Put on your bonnet and things,
md let us 60 to the preachers at once dearest 70
The widow, who was among widows as
peaches are among apples, put on the bonnet
and took Jones' arm, and
"Just look how handsome it is put on parch.
nent," said Jones, pulling the document from
lis pocket with much rustling, spread it before
Ter. Here is the law that says that Jacob
Jones and Anna Caroline Jones are two. Look
It it," Putting her plump gloved hand upon
lis shoulder she did look at It.
Oh, dearW she said with her rose bud lips,
md sank back half fainting on the sofa
ooh, blazesr' cried Jones, and sank beside
Ter, rustling the fatal parchment in his hand.
Here's lots Of happiness and champagne gone
o ruinp
1t was a hard case Instead Of being di-
,orced, and at liberty to marry the widow,
Jacob Jones was simply incorporated into
turnpike company, and which made it worse,
authorized with his brother directors to con-
truct a turnpike from Burlington to Bristol.
When we reflect that Burlington and Bristol
re located just mile apart on the opposite
# the river you will perceive the extreme hope
essness Of Jones' case.
sits all the fault Of the id turnpike
nan, who gave 'em the champagne supper, or
vas it breakfast?" cried Jones, in his agony.
If they'd chartered me to build turnpike
rom Pigs Run TO Terrapin Hollow, / might
ave borne it; but the very idea of building
turnpike from Burlington to Bristol, bears an
bsurdity upon the face of IT,
so it did,"
And you amt divorced?' said Eliza, tear
olling down each cheek
"No!" Numbered Jones, crushing his hat
etween his knees, and pounding his head with