The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1854-09-14

'hhu uO you ToailJ e4Poct al LUIS oI
me, Mr.. Swallow"
To be sure do,' said her spouse.
Then you'll be sadly disappointed for
III do no such thing
Nor
Mo-
'l've a way to make you
'Howl'
Spoon diet, locks, chains, and COW.
hids.'
'Mr. Swallow =
,Whati'
You're brute = and Mrs. Swallow
threw her arms hack and looked despsr.
ale.
Now this was q climax. Mr.. Swallow
called q brute at his own fre.side. and
by his own wife. which was worst of all
He, Solomon Swallow, the celebrated
founder OF a system of matrimonial OBJ
servation, called brute, and by no less
a person than Mrs. Swallow. At first ne
was so astonished at such open rebellion
Of his royal will, that he only looked
aghast; but when he came to himself he
saw that something must be done at once
or the field was lost forever.
you called me brute, Mrs. Swallow
Il did, Mr.. Swallow
"A brute?
"A brute2'
Ill go mad and break things, Mrs.
Swallow
'Asyou like SIR
And Mr.. Swallow did 20 mad, but he
had method in his madness. for he seiz-
ed the cheapest article OF delf upon the
table IAN old plate with crack in iDand
dashed il into a thousand pieces on the
b ,artn, as il he was in tremendous pas.
i,ov do you like that, Mrs. Swallow2'
.stly, MIR. Ss allow, try it again.
And again he didtryi!; ttor be had be-
come desperately and demolished the
cream jug.
Now, said the lady it is my turn and
Jumping up she sent the sloP. bowl to KEEP
company with its tea.table companions.
This was of course too much for Solo.
mon; it snapped asunder the las! remain
ing cord of the little reason he had left,
and he slapped his helpmate-we use
the word in its positive sense--on her
right cheek; but scarcely had the echo
Of the blow melted into silence, ere the
indignant dame seized the teapot and
shivered it to atoms against the head of
the devoted Mr.. Swallow. Nor was this
all, for as he was rolling heels over head
from the effect of the awful collision, she
piled the remainder of the tea traps until
there was scarcely a bone in his body
which had not echoed to the shock Of
cups and saucers and rounds Of buttered
toast.
Unable to carry on the war any longer
for that day, Solomon gathered himself
as we'll as he could; and vowing ven.
geance. he stuck his pipe in his pocket
and then commenced whistling jig 10
the tune the old COW died on, lookine as
if he could bite piece off the griddle
without setting his teeth on edge. His
good lady. too, being determined to fol.
low the example Of her lord and master
in other matters beside delf.breaking,
placed another chair back to back with
Solomon's and after providing herself
with a novel, sat herself down, and be.
gan reading away as if there was no such
thing as beds 10 make, or stockings to
mend in all chrstendOm.
Here the afectionate couple sat for six
mortal hours, each bent on sitting the 9TH
down, and ruminating the while upon
their relative positions. But it must be
confessed that Mrs. Swallow had the best
of the bargain; for independent of Solo
mons mangled head, parboiled back
and shoulders, he saw az clear as mud,
that the watch dial and the orockery
must be replaced; so that reducing the
first chapter in his voluminous system to
practice, must be attended with an out
lay of at least twenty dollars. This be.
ing the case, might as we'll be hung tor
and old sheep as lamb, thought he,
and with that he rose softly from his chair
stole quietly from the room, and turned
the key upon the gentle Mrs. Swallow.
The turning the key made her aware
OF his intention, when she rushed to the
door, but it was too late.
Open the door this instant Mr.. Swallow.
.Not until have kept you here seven
days upon bread and water returned
the victorious husband as he went on bis
way rejoicing.
But alasl how feeting is human great.
ness-about half an hour he returned to
see how matters we're going on, but had
scarcely put his eye to the key hole, when
he began roaring like bull, for Mrs.
Swallow had torn every one OF his fine
linen shirts Ohat on his back exoeptedl
into pieces, to make rope to let herself
down from the window; nor was this all
for, upon further examination, he discov.
cred she had also thrown variety OF
chair cushions, bed linen, &C., into the
dirty yard to make her descent safe.
Oh, chop.fallen Solomon Swallowl
The archives of the Swallows are si.
lent as to the remaining occurrences Of
this eventful day, but on the very next
morning, about seven o'clock. Mr.. Swal.
low popped his head from under the blan'
kst and said, Mrs. Swallow, my dear is
it not time to get up
Yes returned the lady, and you may
call me when you have lit the hre and
put on the teakettle !
I Poor Solomon! There was no altern'