Semi-weekly standard. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1853-18??, 1854-04-12
USEFUL AND AMUSING Y ARIETIEs

was SO rich as they say he was zssssy
Why, my dear 2 said her astonished mother.
Because he slept with his fathers, and think if
he had been SO, very rich he would have had a bed
of his own,
Miss Pitin says the reason she never married, is
that she never saw the man for whom she d be will
ling to cook three meals of victuals every day of her
: life. a good reason, truly
A dying West India planter, grooming to a favor
lite negro servant, sighed out = All, Sambo Pm go-
ing a long, long journey. sNebber mind, massa,
said Sambo, consoling him. st am all de way down
hill, and you soon reach de end.
why do you set your cup of coffee upon the
: chair, Mr. Jones?' 8
is SC very weak, ma am, replied Mr. Jones, de-
murely, I thought that would let it rest
He that values himself upon conscience, not opin-
ion, never heeds reproaches. When am i'll spoken
of take it thus: if T have not deserved it. am ne
yer the worse; if have, will mend. 81
on say, Mrs. Jones, that the prisoner stabbed
the deceased. Was it in the thorax or in the abdo-
men? Neither, yer worship-in,a street fight;
seed it with my own blessed eyes,
ADVICE TO You've MEN. If you don't want to fall
in love with girl don't commence flirting with her.
This counting for fun is like boxing for fun. You
put on your gloves in perfect good humor, with the
most friendly intention of exchanging few AMIGA
BILE blows you find yourselfinsensiby warmed with
the enthusiasm of the conflict until some unlucky
pinch in the 'vesk determines the matter, and the
whole affair ends in downright fight. Don't you
the similarity plainly
DIR. johnson compared plaintiff and defendant, in
action of law to two men ducking their heads in a
bucket and daring each other to remain the longest
under water.
Quaker said to a gunner, "Friend, counsel no
bloodshed; but if it be tiny design to hit the little
man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three
inches lower"
BATTER BREAD Take six spoonsful of -four and
three of corn meal, with little SALT sift them, and
make thin batter with four eggs and sufficient
quantity ofmi!k. Bake it in quick in small
tin mouldS
In the recent case at Lawrence, Mass, where the
teacher sued for nuring boy under his charge,
by correction, the great principle of law conce-
ded by both parties, that for school purposes the
teacher is possessed of all the power of parent, and
is not liable for any punishment of pupil unless it
be such punishment would be unlawful to in
fict by the parent
COMPARATIVE RELIGION. Statistics carefully pre-
pared demonstrate that scarcely one-fourth of the
inhabitants of Philadelphia regular church goers
In Boston il has been asccrtained that one-haf of
its citizens are stated worshippers. Rev. II. w.
Beecher says that out of population of $4,000 in
Brooklyn, 50, 900 do not attend public worship.
GIVING A HINT. A person called one day upon
the late Sampson Levy, Esq, and after stating his
''Now, Mr.. Levy, what do you think had better
do?"
"Why," replied Mr.. Levy, 81 think if were you,
[ would go home and put ten dollars in my pocket
book and go to some lawyer of my acquaintance,
and ask his advice" The man took the hint.
A SEE SAW. "Brudder Pete, did you see him see
de log before you saw him saw it ?' ode unnter-
lectual stupendity of some nggurs is perfectly in
credulous-why, eff seed him it afore I
him see it, it's CONSEQUENTIAL insurance dat he
he sawd it afore he saw he seed it; but he couldn't
held seem he it afore he he saw'd it. for eff
he de sawen afore he de seem Oh de sawin
consquinchiy he must sawd it afore he seed it
which is Observation-Disclosures did it afore L
it quoddY rat demon strdRdum
The following is the advice of an examining Judge
to young lawyer on admission: ''Sir, it would be
idle to trouble you further. You perfect; and
will dismiss you with few words of advice, which
you will do very we'll to follow. You will find it
laid down a maxim of civil law, never to kiss the
maid when you can kiss the mistress. Carry out
this principle, sir, and you safe Never say boo
to goose when she has the power to lay golden
eggs. Let your face be long-your bills longer
Never put your hand into your pocket when
anybody elsc's is handy. Keep your conscience for
your private use and don't trouble it with mems
matters. Plaster the judge, and butter the jury.
Look wise owl, and be oracular as town
clock. But, above all, get money-honcstly if you
can, my dear sir; but get money. WELCOME you to
the barr
New INVENTION A French newspaper gives an
account of a newly discovered plan of building carts
and other vehicles, by which horse can be made to
draw onehalf heavier load than carts at present
constructed The new vehicle has four wheels, the
forem ost pair of which come about the middle ofthe
horses body; the weight is thrown the axes and
the vehicle is constructed that part of it covers
the horse to the neck.
The following are the ages of the principal reign
ing sovereigns: Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, "a;
the King of Wurtemburg, Il the King of the Bel
gans, 60; the King of Prussia, 81 the Emperor of
Russia, Sc the King of Sweden and Norway, So;
the King of Denmark, A; the King of the Two Sci-
lies and the King of Bavaria, 40; the King of Hano-
yer, 3d. the Sultan, 80; the Emperor of Austria, %;
Louis Napoleon, A.
A quaint old gent, who is withal one of our most
active, stirring men, had at work in his gar
den who was quite the reverse.
s'Mr Jones'" he said to him one morning, "did
you snail?
Certainly" said Jones.
''Then" said the old boy, "you must have met
him, for you could never overtake him."
One thousand seven hundred and eighty -eght
gallons of liquor, about one hundred and thirty
five thousand doses, appears by report were
sold in New Bedford during three months for medi-
cinal purposes exclusive of ale and porter which
not included in the above, but which bore their pro-
portion in amount sold to the other medicines. New
Bedford must be very unhealthy plhce
Meeting negro on the road with Grape on his
hat, traveller said "you have lost some of your
friends see" . 4f4s7-s.,s -
eyes, Massa."
aWas it a near or distant relative? ?"
ssWell putty distan bout twenty -four miles, was
the reply ESssl
esIn short-ladies and gentlemen" said an over
powered orator, 81 can only say beg leave to
ask desire to assure you-that wish had a
window in my bosom that you might see the emo
ton of my heart" Culgar boy from the gallery
pane in your stomach do this time 7"
A humorous fellow subpened as witness on a
trial for an assault of the counsel, who no.
toro,,s for brow-5eatng witnesses, asked him what
distance he was from the parties when the assault
happened; he answered: 8