Plymouth advertiser. [volume] (Plymouth, Ohio) 1853-1988, 1854-11-17
DOesticks.

letters to a Detroit paper are going the
rounds. They sparkle with wit and are
brim full of fun. Philandcr has been
running wild lie masheen, ," and tells some
funny things about fire. There is bit of
satire in the following
"Old gentleman from the country; much
excited; wanted to help, but didn't exactly
know how; he rushed into fourth story
bedroom; threw the mirror out of the win
dow; irantically endeavored to hurl the
dressing table after it; shized coal-scut-
tie: hurriedly put in the poker, boot jack
and pair of wom-out slippers, carried
them down stairs, and deposited them III
a place of safety four blocks away; came
back on a run into the parlor; took up the
door-mat, wrapped up an empty decanter
init, and transported it Safc y into the barr
Of the nearest neighbor; he kept at work;
by dint of heroic exertions, he at svarious
times deposited, by piece, the entire
kitchen cooking stove in the next street,
uninjured; and at last, after knock
ing the piano to pieces with the axe, in
order to save the lock, and filling his pock
etc with the sofa castors, he was seen to
make his final exit from the back yard,
with length of stove-pipe in each hand,
the toasting fork tucked behind his ear,
and two dozen muffin rings in his hat,
which was surmounted by large sized
frying pan"
Doesticks gives an amusing account Of
his own adventures
During the next week there were sew
eral alarms---iire in big block full of
paupers--irst man in the building; carried
down stairs in my arms two helpless, un-
dressed children, thereby saving their val
ublc lives; on giving them to their moth
cr, she, amid whrlwind Of thanks, i'm
parted the gratifying intelligence that one
was afflicted with the measles, and the
other had the Michigan itch. Fire in a
boarding school-dashed up ladder,
tumblcd through window; entered bed
room; smoke SO thick | couldn't see;
caught up IN my arms feminine speci-
men i'll long night-gown; got back to
the window, tried to go down; ladder broke
under me: stuck adhesively to the young
lady; and after uncXampled exertions, de-
posted her safely in the next house, where
discovered that | had rescued from the
dcvoming element, the only child of the
blach cook. Fire in a store-house-went
ON the roof; explosion: found myself il
somebody's cellar with one leg in a SOAP
barrel, and my hair full Of fractured hens
eggs; discovered that / had been blowr
over church, and had the weatkercocb
still remaining in the rear Of my demol
ishcd pantaloons. Fire in liquor store
hose burst: brandy "lying round loose;'
gin ''convaynient," and old MonongahelG
absolutely begging to be protected from
| further dilution; Croton water too much
for my delicate constitution; carried home
on shutter.
His last is descriptive of the wonderful
virtues Of a patent medicine which he has
/ invented;
Emulous Of the dcathly notoTiety whicl
has deem acquired by the medicinal wor
thicS ust mentioned, | also resolved t,
achieve name and fortune in the SAM
reputable and honest manner. Bought
gallon Of tar, cake of beeswax, and
tilllin Of lard, and in twenty one hours
presented to the world the first batch O
} "Doesticks' Patent, SeliActing, -Four
Horse Power Balsam," designed to cur
all diseases Of mind, body or estate, t
, give strength to the weak, money to tn
poor, bread and butter to the hungry
boots to the barefoot, decency to black
guards, and common sense to the know
nothinss. 1t acts physically, morally
mentally, pschycologically and geoloGi
cally, and is intended to make our subluna
ry sphere a blissiul paradise, to whic
f Heaven itself shall be but side-show.
Here is letter from an Oregon farmer
, certifying to some of the virtues of tn
wonderful BalSdu;
Dear Su<-The land composing my farr
has hitherto been so poor that Scotchma
couldn't get his living off it, and SO ston
, that we had to slice our potatoes and plan
them cdgeways; but hearing of your bal
sam, l put some on the corner of a te
acre lot, surrounded by rail fence, an
in the morning | found the rocks had en-
tirely disappearcd--a neat stone wall cr
circled the field, and the rails were split in
to ovenwood and piled up symmetrical
! in my back yard. Put half an ounce int
, the middle Of hucl1lebcrry swamp
two days it was cleared off, planted wit
corn and potatoes, and had row of peac
trees in full bloom through the middle =
AS all evidence of its tremendous strength
| would state that it drew striking like
ness Of nay eldest daughtcr-drew m
+ youngest boy out Of the mill ll-pond--dre'
, a load of potatoes four miles to mark,
, and eventually drew a prize of ninety-se,
en- dollars in the State lottery.
= Other Certificates" of extensive signi
j., icence are introduced; but, as best ind
= cative Of its truly practical virtues, "
must quote from Doosticks' own expe1
G ence. He says;
# ] caused some to be applied to t
4 Wa,htenaw Bank after its failure, II