Muscatine journal. [volume] (Bloomington, Iowa) 1849-185?, 1853-06-24
Humorous.

humUiDISs
Why is four quart jug like ladys sde-saddle?
Because it holds gallon.
Why is woman living up stairs like goddess?
Because she is q second Flora.
I'll think / now see a new fe-ture in this case y
as the lawyer said, when his client informed him that
be had plenty Of money.
An Indiana paper publishes an account of queer
hole III the side nil out there The bank cayed in
like Indiana banks and left the hole sticking
oat about ten feet.
---"You've destroyed my peace Of mind Betsy
said desparing lover to truant lass. 1T can do
much barn, John, for il was an amazing small piece
You had, any way"
-" Here, You little rascal, walk up and give an ae.
count of yourself. Where have you been?, After
the girls, father" Did you ever know me to do so
when was boy?" mo, sir-but mother did,
dick, ] say, why don't you turn that buffalo
robe tother side out!-hair side in is the warnest.n
Bah, Tom, YOU get out. Do you suppose the animal
himself didn't know how TO wear his hide? / follow
his STYLE"
II young gentleman feeling restless in church,
leaned forward and addressed an old gentleman thus
Pray, sir. can you tell me rule without an excep-
tom Yes. sir," he replied, "a gentleman always
behaves well in church"
Trust in Providence for help!i was the excam.
alton OF husband on seeing his wife ATTEMPT to roll
her retort, ''do you suppose Providence will come
and assist me while the devil is standing looking on'
a Huoser having taken ooking-glass home in
his trunk of the hopeful ofSprings was curious to
the contents of the mysterious box. The mirror
was on t0p when the youngser opened it he gave one
brief look dropped the lid and with terror depicted
on every feature, cried out o. mother mother fathe
has brought home cub l seed hin-a young bear!"'
One Of tic Indiana Senators twtted Crarl, of
Rhode Island coming foma State poor that the gov
enor obliged to raise calves and peddle milk be-
cause his salary would not support him. True Clark
replied, eve sell milk and raise calves, but don't
send them to Congress- your State does" The Hoo
sier felt as though he was badly skinned.
The following certificate was duly granted to the
parties therein named, and signed by an embyro JUS
tice OF the peace in Peoria county, ILL., TO all the world
greetin, know ye John Smith and Peggy Myers, is
hereby certified to go together and do other folks
does, anywhere in corporass precinct, and when my
commission comes | am 10 marry 'em good and date
'em back to kiyer accidents"
a young lady Of extraordinary intellectual Ca
paeites recently addressed the following letter to her
cousin living in neghboring village:- Deer Kussin
the weather whar we is air kold and suppose whar
yoa is il air kolder we awl is well and muther has
got the his'rerricks an brther Tom has gott the
Huppin koff an Sister Snsin has gots a Baby and /
hoap these u lynes viii find you in tue same condishun
rite sumo yur apheckshunate Kussin."
-"Bil I'll tell yer just how much gold wish Ihad
D.
pealed to- Ego on; III you've the idees of gen
tlcman' ''Weli, Bill, wish had so much gold that
twoud take seyentyfour gun ship, loaded down
with needles so deep that if You put in another needle
shed sinkand all the needles to be worn out maxim
bags to hold my pile" Darn it, why don't You wish
for Suiaiin' whom yer undertake if! / wish had SO
much as yours wouldn't pay the interest on mine for
the time yoa could hod aTe}tot knten needle an yoa
ear
The Carpet Bag tells the story Of a preacher who
fnnR ,r,fp
brother preacher who delivered short ones At the
usual hour for closing the service. the people became
uneasy, and being inspired with the love owarm dinners
rather than long sermons went out quietly one by one
until the preacher left alone with the sexton The
preacher feeling that he must do his duty, continued
to blaze away till that tunctonary seeing no prospectof
close, walked deliberately to the pulpit stairs and
handing him the key requested that he would tck "a
'nbe he got through and aee the key at has house as he
,cet along!
-"GraDdfather,n said a saucy little imp the other
day, chow cid your The old gentleman who had
been soldier in the of the Revolution aud was
much under the ordinary size took the child between
his knees, and pattng him on the head with all the
tondness OF second child of life, said: my dear boy
am ntidy-fre gears old" and then commenced 10
amuse the lad with the incidents in the story of his
hfe, at the conclusion OF which lie addressed the
But, my son, why did you ask such a
question! when the little rascal with all the ipor
lance of Napoleon strutted OIL, and hitchng up the
irst pair Of pantaloons he ever WORE after approved
ldsiliOi IetllleU. wen, III appears TO
IRE dari6d snail Of go,Y age" There is none of the
right kind OF birch that grows round in sufficient
Quantities where such boys raised
KwITs PHUNNyGRAPmc.-The following specimen
advertisement Is copied from the Hartford Courant:-
Prime Piresh PbigS.-We have been so phortunate as
% phetch in phew phresh phgs, which we warrant
phirt rate and phancy will sell phresy pharly aud
phinely, to OLD and young phoks, phree soiers ph-
1uster, or the phree men, phrens or phoes that are
proud oy phrequently pheastng on such phodder and
Dhiudng no phault. They plirst rate phruit and
would phil the eye of Phrenchman or any other
They can be phound phor sale phor a
lhew days at Phulers, 10 Asylum streetphirt phoor
phew pheet phrom phriend plays phine phancy
ound sign. Don't phail to phetch phriend, if you
ave aiy pheelins phor phine phellow, and don't |
,horget to phetch the phunds and ther is no phear
'nt that You viii Iheast iAilely ard PHAREwELL.
II big douhle-6sted Hoosier with huge pa,- of |
elbow whlsels gray eyes and ling flowing soap locks
-stradie OF an old blind MARE with n sheepskin addle
ode up IA front OF the Post Office the other day and
ereinled oht: "iiuloa, Mister Pest Master!r Yes
es draWied out jim he arose from his chair aigor
alt asleep, what will you have sir!p lis thar any
tttcr for me. What Is yO.r name si..?- Lewis
Ass Polk, and emit ashamed OF nv name mltherf
No letter here for any gentleman by that name SRI"
Wen thur ought co be lie exclaimed as he looked
aroas.y % t.,e Post Master. sWhals the other Post
tee. fhc4e j but one Office in town. .sWall
- Sat b town the eail aGVi hat one Post 0Uiea"
e friagt.t down bis heaeh cad upcn the
- ~ - q - - ted Of in a g.ilop