The Lancaster ledger. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1852-1905, 1853-05-25
@elRttt1 Gnlrs.
SOLOMON SWALLOW,
THE WOMAN tanner.
"Rule q wife and have q wife"

SOLOMON SWALLOW was bachelor, and
n rusty one, too but nevertheless, he had
lnade up his mind to one thing, that he
was the only living man who had acquir-
ed any knowledge of the art of taking
care Of u wife,"
IAN the married men are dolts," was
Soloinon's constant asservation. "There
for Instance, is my neighbor, Tom Tangi-
bic, hIs wife makes a sort of three legged
stool Of him, she moves him in one corner
aud then in another, and sits ON him and
walks OH him, rs if he was nobody in the
house, while he, poor man, takes it as easy
As though it were the most natural thing
in the world. Now that were only Tom
Tangible, Id first write series of matri.
InonIal articles, and if Mrs. r. did not a.
bide by them, Id submit her to the Who'll.
some discipline of bread and water and "a
paddock and might, perhaps, brighten her
ideas touching her eonjugial duties, by the
application ota good cowhide. And there
again, are Evert Easy, Dick Shocks, and
u host more of them in the tame condition
but I'm the boy that will set them
all right, il they will only follow my ex-
ample after lhave condescended 70 endow
some fortunate female with the legal claim
TO the title Of Mrs. Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow
"Well, Solomon" said neighbor to
him one morning, "as you are always
Boosting Of your skill in managing a wife,
how comes it that you are not married {"
Why, beca have not perfected
my system. You poked your head into
the moose without making preparation,
hence, Mrs. Everly makes what she likes
of you Blu. go to work logically. |
begin by studying the erulite works Of
Zingrubaze, on the philosophy Of wo-
mans holding her tongue" then read
several treatises OH the effect Of bread and
water discipline in making good wives.'-
Saakspeare's Tanning shrew' furnishes
me few excellent practical lessons. And
am now generalizing all the systems into
one, which shall carry the sway in all fu-
ture genenerations, and convert the plague
Of matrimony into blessing. In the
course ola year or so, my rules for the
Regulation Of a woman Il intend to
publish iD will lie completed, and then |
sha take me wife,"
And Soloman was as good as his word,
for at the age Of thirty-6ve, feeling him
self prepared TO give battle TO any woman
in OF out Of the Amizons, he got married.
At this important period Solomon was as
puffy, comfortable looking fellow as you
would meet n days walk, for, although
the crown Of his head never stood full five
feet from the heels Of his boots, he was Of
proportions that would have done honor
to an alderman, or even Lord Mayor;
and his gait. especially when walking with
anything in the likeness Of woman, was
as pompous as Sultan's, while at such
times, his countenance always assumed an
expression that could not have brooked the
approach Of female familiarity. The wo-
man whom Solomon had chosen for his
"worser half" WAS apparently lamb-like
creature, so that the chances were very
fair that she would not only be tractable
wife. but that Solomon would require no
help from his system to make her so.
Now Solomon had the forbearance not
20 interfere with his iady's sayings and do
ings on the night Of tn. wedding, nor is it
recorded that he assumed special authori-
ty on the next night either but about six
o'clock the next morning he softly insinua-
ted TO his sleeping partner that il was
time to get up.
And he added, "when breakfast Is ready
you will call me. bat be sure aud not burn
che toast"
breakfast and .toasti" said Mrs. Swal.
low, why, what do you mean Z"
Why, my dear-I mean madam, that
have begun my system"
And won't you get up too I"
Yes, when breakfast Is ready, and my
stockings aired"
Mrs. Swallow was about 10 reply, but
she checked herself as she ~as ashamed
to say much TO him on 90 short an nc.
quaintance but thougsiin the present in.
stance, she dia exactly a. she was bid, she
resolved Ia her heart that Il was the last
time she would gel up at in the morning
to prepare breakfast.
Ats o'clock, everything being ready
Mrs. 8, called M, s,