Plymouth advertiser. [volume] (Plymouth, Ohio) 1853-1988, 1853-10-22
aumbsr I.

ldU.t ClOlis tttC W NUlh
and the freshness of The eggs, not TO mem
ZION Lucy's good looks. we're more than
a set off sgslns, the ugliness Of B lly !; so
that Dick and I continued TO eat quite
heartily, to the evident grali6ration of our
hospitable, though ugly entertainer.
Supper over, old Billy drew out his
large soap stone pipe, and filling il, AID
lighting, he placed it in his mouth. AZ
ter a whiff or two he began:
"Ifs no use argufying The maiter-I
an the ugliest man now on top Of dirt.
Thar's marry nuther like me-! I'm a
crowd BY myself.-,.I alters was. The
first | knew of il, tho, was when-I was
about ten years old. went down TO the
spring branch one mornin', to wash my
face, and as looked in the water. seen
the shadow of my face That's the last
time I've seen my countenance--l daresn't
but shet my eyes when | go bout water"
"Don't you use glass when you
shave :" | inquired.
"elass Thunder! What glass csuld
stand it it!-'twould burst il if il were an
inch thick. Glass !--pish!"
Lucy told her father he was too bad,
and that he knew it was no sich thing
and the old man told her she was sassy
wench,' md to 'hold her tongue
"Yes.' he continued, il's so; hav-
emit seen my face in forty years. but |
know how it looks. Well, when |
growed up, thort it would be hard to
find woman that'd be willin' to take
me, ugly as | was
"Oh, you was no. uncommon hard IA
vored when you was young man.
uncommon! tell you when was
ten years old, fly wouldn't light on my
lace-and it can't be much wuss now I!
Shet up, and let me tell the squire my
experience.
.'lt's no use," put in Lucy, "to be
running ones own self down, that way
daddy Tain't right.
"Runnn' down p! Thunder and light
min, Lucy, you'll have me as hahsome
as John Bozeman, your sweetheart"
As he said this, old Bill looked at me
and succeeded in covering the ball of his
left eye, by way Of wink. Lucy said
no more.
swell, hard as thort it 'ud be to get
a wife. fust thing | knowed, I had Sally,
here; and she is or was as purity as any
on EN-.
Old Mrs. Wallis knit away, and cough
ed slightly.
"Howsever, she never kissed me afore
we was married, and it was long time
arter afore she did. The way of it was
we had an old e-horned COW, mighty
ornery lookin,' old as the North star, and
poor as black snake. One day | went
out to the lot'-
Daddy, wouldn't tell that" said Lu.
cy in the most persuasive tones.
"Blamed ef l don't tho'-it's h e
truth. und ef you don't keep still. I'll
send for Bozeman to hold you quiet in
the corner
Lucy pouted little and was silent.
"Yes, went out to the lot, and thar,
sure as life, was my old 'oman, swung to
the COW, and the old thing flyin' round
and cuttin' up all sorts o shines! Ses
what the deuce are you up to, old oman
And with that she let go and told me she
was tryin' to practice kissin' old Cherry,
and she thort arter that she could make
up her mind to kiss me :!
"Old man, you made that! I've
hearn you tell that afore--but you made
it,, said the old lady.
"WeIl, we'll! told her, square, ses
I, come down to it now !-shet your eyes
hold your breath !-sud upon that she
bussed me so, you might have heard it a
quarter, and sence THAI nobody as had
better kissin' than me Now, that was
my first Experience about bein' ugly arter
was grown, and twan't so bad either!'
"The next time my ugly features came
into play was in Mobile; was you ever
thar! Greatest place IN green yearlh :
steamboats,. oysters, free niggars, furrin'
ers, brick houses-thats the place!
went down on fatboat from Wetumky
with old John Todd. We had first rate
time of it till We got most to Mobile, anG
then the STEAMBOATS, would run so close te
us, that the slushin' would pretty nigt
capsize us. They done it for devilment
How old John cussed but it done NJ
good. At last, ses l, III try en- ef thar
emmy strength in cussin, III make ZEN
ashamed! So the next one came alone
cavortin aud snortin' like it was gwin,
right into US, and did pass up in twenty
foot! ris up on cotton bag, and se.
to the crowd-which there was almght,
one on the guards of the boat--ses |, 'yo,
4, Internal racket maxim snort,n' sons Of
g. ''Afore could get any further in my
cussin', the crowd gin the most tremen
jus yearth-shakin' howl that was eve
hearn--and one feller, as they were broad
side with us. hollered out it's the old HI
ugly himseIfr Jeemyminy! What |
mouths With that; thar was somethin
rained and ratified in our boat like hail
only heavier, and directly me and oil,
John picked up level peck Of bone-han
died knives!'
Old Mrs. Wallis looked to Heaven al
if appealing there for the forgiveness o
some great sin her ugly consort had com
mitted, but she said nothing.
$50 lost nothing by being ugly tha
time Arier J got into Mobile, however,
! was bothered and pestered by the peo'
pie stoppin' in the street to look at me-
lall dirty and hght-wood smoked as | was