Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-05-19
THE STORY TELLER
SOLOMON SWALLOW,
The woman Tanner

rusty one, too nevertheless, ne had maze up
his mind to one thing, that he was the only
man living who had acquired any knowledge
of the art of taking care of a wife.
All the married men are dolts,' was Solo
mons constant observation. There, for in
stance, is my neighbor, Tom Tangible; his
wife makes a sort of three-legged stool of him !;
she moves in one corner, and then in another,
and sits On him and walks on him as if he was
nobody in the house, while he, poor man, takes
it as easy as though it was the most natural
thing in the world. Now that l were only
Tom Tangible, I'd first write series of mat
rimonial articles, and if Mrs. t. didn't abide
by them, I'd submit her to the wholesome dis
cipIine of bread and water and paddock and
might, perhaps, brighten her ideas touching
her cOngugal duties, by the application of a
good cowhide. And there again, are Evert
Easy, Dick Snooks, and host more of them
in the same condition, but I'm the boy that
will set them all right, if they'd only follow
my example after have condescended to en-
dow some fortunate female with the legal claim
to the title Of Mrs. Swallow
Brave Solomon Swallow!
Well, Solomon, said neighbor TO him
one morning, as you are always boasting Of
your skill in managing wife, how comes it
that you are not married =
Why, because have not perfected my sys-
tem You poked your head into the moose
without making any preparation, and hence,
Mrs. Everly makes what she likes of you
But l go to work logically. begin by study
ing the erudite works of Zingrubazo, "On the
philosophy of woman's holding her tongue. !"
then read several treatises on "ihe effect of
bread and water discipline in making good
wives" Shakspeare's ''Taming the Shrew, =
furnished me a few excellent practical lessons.
And ! am now generalizing all the systems
into one, which shall carry the sway in all fu-
ture generations, and convert the plague Of
matrimony into a blessing. In the course of a
year or so, added Solomon, my "Rules for
the Regulation Of Woman q intend to pub
Iish it) will be completed, and then shall take
me wife,.
And Solomon was as good as his word, for,
at the age of thirty-fve, feeling himself pre-
pared TO give battle to any woman ih or out of
the land of the Amazons, he got married. At
this important period Solomon was as puffy,
comfortable-looking a little fellow as you'd
meet in a days walk, for, albeit the crown Of
his head never stood full five feet from the
heels of his boots, he was of proportions that
would have done honor 10 an alderman, or
even Lord Mayor; and his gait, especially
when walking with anything in the likeness
of woman, was pOmpoas as Sutans,
while, at such times his countenance always
assumed an expression that could not have
brooked the approach Of female familiarity
The lady whom Solomon had chosen for his
'worser half, was apparently lamb-like crea-
ture, so that the chances were very fair that
she would not only be tractable wife, but that
Solomon would require no help from his sys-
TEN to make her so.
Now Solomon had the forbearance not TO in
terfere with his ladys saying and doings on
che aight Of the wedding, nor is it recorded
that he assumed special authority on the next
night, either but about six o'clock the next
morning, he softly insipuated to his sleeping
partner that it was time to get up.
',And he added, 'when breakfast is ready,
you may call me, but be sure not to burn the
toast
Breakfast and toastp said Mrs. Swallow,
why, what do you mean 2
Why, my dear-l mean, madam, that
have begun my system
'And won't you get up too9
Yes, when breakfast is ready and my stock
ings airedp
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply, bat she
checked herself, as she was ashamed to say
much to him on so short an acquaintance; but
though in the present instance she did precise
heart that it was the last time she would get
Up at SIX in the morning to prepare breakfast.
AT eight o'clock, everything being ready
Mrs Swallow called Mr.. Swallow.
Breakfast is ready, Mr.. Swallow
Is the Toast madep
YES
Not burnedp
mo-
Are my stockings aired
'Yes.'
You'll do,' quoth Mr.. Swallow, and to
breakfast he went, having received the services
of the blushing Mrs. Swallow to assist him in
dressing.
The breakfast, however, did not turn out to
be the thing it had been cracked up for. The
toast was done little too much, and the tea
wasn't done quite enough; the slop-bowl was
at the wrong end of the tray, and there were
several crumbs on the carpet.
sThe servant hasn't been here this morning
observed Mrs. Swallow.
Servant = returned Solomon, i discharged
her yesterday. You don't think can affor'
10 Keep a servant and wife too
The lady was again posed, and she said moth
ing, but the day wore to its close before SIN
could bring herself to the belief that MI
Swallow had actually made use of the word
Servant and wife in the same sentence.
The next morning at six o'clock, Mr.. Swal
low again informed his wife that il was time t,
get up, coupling the remarks with the sugges
ton that in future she must save him the trou