Washington telegraph., 1853-09-28
The Sick Bachelor,
BY FANNY FERN.

BY FANNY FERN.
Here | am, doomed man-booked for
forever, in this gloomy room, up four fights
of stairs; nothing to look at but one table.
two chairs and cobwebs; pulse raeking like
locomotive; head throbbing as if it were
hooped with iron mouth as parched as Ish-
maels In the desert, not bell rope within
reach; sun pouring in through those uncur-
tanned windows, hot enough to singe off my
eye lashes; all my confidential letters lying
loose on the table, and | couldn't get up to
them if you held one of Colts revolvers to
my head. All my masculine friends (0
are parading Broadway, l suppose, peeping
under the pretty girls bonnets or drinking
sherry cobblers.' A sherry cobbler -
Bacchus. what a luxury believe Satan
suggested the thought to me. -.
Heigho I suppose the Doctor (whom
they have just sent for) will come before
long some great pompous Esculapius, with
an owl phiz, gold headed cane, an oracu-
lar voice. and callous heart and hands who
will first manipulate my wrist, and then take
the latitude and longitude of my tongue !;
then, he will punch me in the ribs, and tor
ment me with more questions thanYthere are
in the Assemblys catechisms then, he II
bother me for writing materials. to scratch
off hyreoglyphic humbug prescription, Or
derlng five times as much medicine as |
need then, shall have to pay for it /; then,
ten to one, the apothecary's boy will put up
poison, by mistake. Caesar, how my head
spins round /; Hippodrome racing is nothing
to it.
Hist. there's the doctor. No. it is that
little ungenerated cub. my landlady's pet
boy, with bran new drum. las I'm sinner)
upon which he is beating crucifying tattoo
If only had boot jack to throw at him .
No. that won't do: his mother wouldn't
make me cruel. I'll bribe him with six
pence to keep the peace The little embryo
Jew he says he won't do it under quar-
ter, Twitted by little pinafore I. Tom
Halliday, six feet in my stockings. shall
go frantic.
doctor is coming'' Well let him come:
I'm as savage as if I'd just dined off cold
Missionary. I'll pretend to be asleep and
let old PiIl-box experiment.
How gently he treads; how soft bis hand
is how cool and delicious his touch How
tenderly he parts my hair over my throb-
bing temples His magnetic touch thrills
every drop of blood in my veins it is mar
velous how soothing it is. / feel as Happy
as humming bird in "a lily cup, drowsy
with honey dew. Now, he's moved away
| hear him writing prescription. LII
just peep and see what he looks like. Cae-
sar Aegrpina, if it isn't Female Physi-
clan dainty as Peri-and my beard three
days old What bust Wonder how my
hair locks What a foot and ankle. what
shoulders what little round waist Fe-
yer ; I've got twenty fevers, and the heart
complaint besides What the mischief sent
that little witch here She will either kill
or cure me, pretty quick.
a Wonder if she has any more masculine
patients ? Wonder if they are handsome
Wonder if she lays that little dimpled hand
on their foreheads, as she did on mine 3
Now she has done writing III shut my
eyes and groan. and then, maybe, she will
pet me more bless her little soul.
She says ''poor fellow as she holds my
wrist; his pulse is too quick" In the
name of Cupid what does she expect >
She says, as she pats my forehead with her
little plump fingers, "'Sh-'sh keep cool. "
Lava and birthstone /. does she take me for
an iceberg ? Sesr ...-.sT
Oh, Cupid of all your devices, feminine
doctoring for a bachelor is the nG plus
ultra of witchcraft. If don't have pro-
longed run of fever, my name isn't Tom
Halliday
She's gone. and I'm gone, too.
F.