The national era. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1847-1860, 1853-07-28
For the National Era.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A CROSS
HUSBANDi"

What would do, if | had a cross husband
La reckon you'd see what I'd do, if had
one. Do you suppose I'd sit down, a poor,
broken hearted female, and talk through my
nose, and drawl out my sorrowsa Gracious,
no Why, never saw such babies as women
are-they are all so afraid they won't marry
sweet little men. Stars! wouldn't have one OF
the kind around me. I'd rather, than not
marry manly compound Of lion and tiger
and Id make him love me 90, that wouldn't
be one bit more afraid of him than if he was a
dear little rabbit. I'll tell you how I'd do it
| should have stormy beginning-Pd have To
break his will; and after that, I'd put q sleeve
with an arm in IT. around his neck, and the
plaster would be 80 delightfully."- drawing, and
should be all love and honey. How would
break his will2" I've got royal receipt
I'd keep magnificent bed Of Goals lively all
the time. Like as not, he'd think it was for
the beefsteak but Id laugh and wink to my
SELF and when couldn't stand This impudenoe
any longer, I'd heat the poker or my curling
tongs and make after him like an antelope
tuning up:
Lords Of creation, men We call
They think to rule the nation:
They're much mistaken after all
For they arc under woman's control"
Wouldn't he wonder what had got into his
dear Gazelle? And I'd give him all the vari-
ETY. he'd want. I'd stroke him down with the
broomstick and il he asked why | didn't
sweep the parlor, when knew he was going
to bring home gentleman with him to tea,
I'd look up into his face, with the honest eyes
of o woman, and tell him the broom hadn't
any handle.
After oil this, | think it's quito likely my
sweet disposition would get the upper hand Of
me; and if an evil spirit were upon him, I'd
pass my fingers over harp strings, and sing:
Am not fondly thine own"
If he snapped and snarled at me for such con-
jugal sentiments, I'd put him in the big rock
ing chair; I'd know his head must ache, and
I'd put him in the big rocking chair, and mag
netize his aching forehead with fairy touch
I'd empty the camphor- bottle on his head, and
give him those little pills the doctor left for
me because they were good for nervous tgomen,
and I'd give him those bouncing pills that had
rolled around the house for six months because
they were rounded with science and darkened
with medical lore, and nobody dared take 'em.
Blue pills are the name Of 'em. wouldn't
touch 'em with my pretty fingers; but they'd
be good for husband, and husband must have
EN- wouldn't take 'eIn, because they are
bluer than the Blue Laws; but husband should
take EN-, and I'd take 'em up with the tongs,
and put 'em into husbands mouth. IL this
didn't do up the work, something would have
to, you know; 30 I'd give him rtewed nettles
for supper, to eat on his bread and butter, and
I'd fuss 'em up with loaf sugar, until had
fooled him into big mouthful. Then, if he
made wry faces, I'd ask him if his collar hurt
him. If he said, No. his collar didn't hurt him,
but there was something queer about the pre-.
serves I'D ask him why he couldn't be thank.
full for the good things Of life, and I'd tell
him it was rare thing to find man whose
wife would give him sass " the year round, as
did. Then I'D melt into tears because my
labor Of love couldn't be appreciated.
IL ] couldn't make him TO my mind by tick.
ling his palate, I'd tell him he must be tired
after hard days work, and I'd entreat him
in gentle tones to lie down and take a nap.
Then, with the gentle tread of wife who
knows she loves her husband, I'd steal up to
him and put burdocks in his hair, and he'd
wake up refreshed, but wondering what "icpe
had been doing to him. II he groaned or made
. breath Of noise, I'd scream as If saw an
anaconda, or some other big snake, on him.
I'd examine his pulse, and ask him how he
felt and If he said he felt for all tho world az
the preserves tasted, Id be q witching com.
pound Of smiles and tears. When he went 70
his business in the morning, I'd sit down on
the floor and cry, 10 think had been obliged
to be 20 stern with him, when loved him TO
dts.
After many days, wt--us tieo, and no otAer--
would draw around the evening FIRE he'd talk
Of his married hfe-hed say that he used to be
q vinegar. cruet that he had been q cross hus-
band, but that his love Of wife had taught
him more excellent way Polly PRMMKR.