The weekly Lancaster gazette. (Lancaster, Ohio) 1852-1855, 1853-02-03
SOLOMON swALLOW---THE WOMAN
r ..4 TAMERs


nan living who had acquired the art Of ta- q
ling care of a wife. 'All the married men L
ire dolts,' was Solomon's constant asseVera- 8
ion. There, for instance is my neighbor,
Tom Tangadle, his wife makes sort Of
hree legged stool out Of himjshe moves him I
n one corner, and then another, and sits a
On him and walks on him as If he was no.
BODY, while the poor maB takes il as easy as
though it was the most natural thing in the I
world Now that were only he, I'D write
a series Of matrimonial articles, and II she
didn't abide by them, I'D submit her to the
wholesome discipline OF bread and water,
and paddock; and may perhaps brighten
her ideas, touching her conjugal duties, by
the application of good cowbide. And
there again are Evert Easy, Dick Snooks,
and host more of them in the came con.
dition, but I'm the boy that will set them
all right, il they only follow my example,
after have cOndescended to endow some for
tunate female with the legal claim to the IT,
tie Of Mrs. Swallow.
Brave Solomon Swallow.
'WeIl Solomon said neghbor TO him
one morning, you are always Boosting OF
your skill in managing a wife, how comes it
that you are not marriedp
why, because have not perfected my
system! You poked your head into the
moose without any preparation, and hence 1
Mrs. Everly makes what she likes of yo1.-
But ] go to work logically. | begin BY
studying the erudte words OF Zingrubazo,
on the philosophy of woman's holding her
tongue. | then read several treaties on the
effect of bread and water discipline in max
ing good wives. Shakspeare's tanning
shrew, furnished me with few excellent
practical lessons. am now generalizing
all their systems into one, which shall carry
the sway in all future generations, and CEN
vert the plague OF matrimony into blessing
In the course of year or so, added Solo
mon, "my Rules for the Regulation of
Woman Il intend to publish them) will be
completed, and then / shall take me
wife,
And Solomon was as good as his word
for at the age of 50, feeling able to battle
with any woman in or out OF the land oil
Amazons, got married. At this important
+ period, Solomon was puffy and as comiorta-
, BILE looking fellow as you'd seen in
days walk, for albeit the crown OF his head
i, never stood five feet from the heels OF his
boots, he was of proportions that would
have done honor to an alderman, or even a
o lord mayor, and his gait, Especially when
d walking with anything in the shape OF
1 woman was pomPous as sultans' whlie
# at such times, his countenance always as
sumed an aspect that could not have brook
ed the approach Of female familiarity. Tn
! lady whom Solomon had chosen ior III
worser half, was apparently a lamb llk
pir!. So that the chances were TAR, tina
she would not only be a tractable wife, bu
:, that it would require no help from his sys
!, TEN to make her SO.
g. Now Solomon had the forbearance not t
= interfere with his lady's sayings and doing
y on the wedding, nor is it recorded that b
10 assumed special authority on the next nigh
~ either. but about six O'Clock next morning
- he softly insinuated to his sleeping partne
y that it was time to get up.
~ and added he, 'when breakfast is read.
+" you NAV call me, but be sure and not Dur
10 the toast
Is breakfast and toast said Mrs Swallow
= 'why, what do you mean"
e .Why, my dear, mean that | have begu
~. my system
- "A nd won't you get up teo'
d sYes, when breakfast is ready, and m
l,s stockings AIRED
10 Mrs. Swallow was about to reply but 81
Cd checked herself, as she was ashamed 10 81
y, ~ much to him on so short an acqua'ntanc
"u but though in the present instance she d
en nrecisely as she was bid, she resolved
~ , her heart that she would get up at Six IN
ne morning to get breakfast no more
!Nes N At 8 o'clock, every thing being ready
~ - called Mr. Swallow.
';r breakfast is ready, MIR Swallow
WI WI sIs the toast made!
yes
n. Not burnedp
49, 'No.'
'n- Are my stockings aired!.
H. yes &c
Inc "You'n do said Swallow and TO breakt
hu be went having received the services OF
tho blushing Mrs. Swallow 10 ASSIST III"
st;- dressing.
vi be the thing it was cracked up lor'
ga. 20. toast was done little too much' ana
W. tea wasntdone quite enough, the STOP p'
= AZ e was at the wrong end OF the tray, ana I'll
uu1 u were several crumbs on the carpet;
'ulu THE servant hasn't been here TINS mo
y. ing observed Mrs. Swallow
I.ny Servant discharged her yesterday
use You don't think can afford to keep
~ want and wife tool
am The lady was again posed, and SAID nc
. ing, but the day wore to its close before
y IN could bring herself to the belief thSt
soue husband had used the words wlte anu
w"e want in the same sentence.
,pI" III The next morning at six, Swallow aG
e.. informed his wife that il was time TO get
'Dco @ coupling the remarks with the snggeS'
ln'e that in future she must save him the tror
80 of reminding her Of so Necessary uuty
the Mrs. Swallow, however,benehted no'f
Dan bv This soft insinuation, for at that nom
over she either was, or pretended to be last it
from ed in the arms Of Morpheus. :,
i,and Don't you hear, Mrs. Swallow
Sc a Solomon.
;,lC) But alas! slight consciousness was
in only respor sc from Mrs swallow
icess Now this was ticklsh point with
1892, onop, but he was prepared for 1t. w
{ our saws nv system on this headP said !
Inch himselimusingy. 1T says thata iazS
e A who laws abed in the morning, may be
!, and properly reminded of her duty by the
rrnp- cions application ofa coercion pin.
from this magnificent idea had scarcely cr'
t 3l,- the threshold of his brain pan, than b
aiken serted the point of huge pin in the
aiken arm of the sleeper. AS might be expe
agnl- the intended effect instantly FOLLOWED
cause. for the astonished Mrs. Sw'
~. sprang from the bed as though she had
hoe lo'; thrown from il by an earthquake! But
nstu is. her agility was too strikingly manifesto