Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1853-05-11
THE BORE OF THE SANCTUM.
by FANNY FERN.

| Walk in Mr.. Leisure you are perfectly well
come. There is never any thing of Importance
going on in an Editors sanctum; visitors are
always anxiously expected, and The advent of
any body like yourself is a perfect God-send.-
Editors have nothing of consequence to do !;
they are only drones in the literary hive; living
on the honey made by their subordinates. They
have little manuscript and few letters to read
occasionally, and perhaps bill or two to settle
now and then; but that is nothing.
Take the armchair, Mr.. Leisure-the one
with cushion and revolving seat-draw it up to
The table, and with one sweep of your elbow
send all the Editors scissoratons flying, like
snow-hakes, into the air; examine the super
scription of his letters, and peep inside of them
if you like. What's the use of calling this
free country, if you can't act with freedom ,
Pull over the Exchanges" tear off the wrap
pers, and pocket any papers you may fancy, be-
fore the Editor has had an opportunity of see-
ing them, and without troubling yourself to as
certain whether you are welcome to do so, or
not. Suppose you are not, that's nothing to
you and what the Editors wishes be-is of no
consequence.
Order the office boy to make up more fire, or
to open window, just as your individual ther-
mometer may dictate. You will of course wish
u
paper-there is plenty of it, you see; and pen
and ink, too Interrupt the Editors cogitatons
by asking him the day of the month, and what
county the town of Shrewsbury, State of Iowa,
is in. Tell him that his ink is abominabe, and
his pen perfectly trocious--throwng in few
general remarks, to the effect that Editorial and
hotel pens are always unmitgatedy bad-and
set him rummaging for something better. Then
tell him that your letter is to lady, and that, OF
course, you want white envelope, instead o.
zone of those yellow things" and letter stamp
too, as you must prepay it. If he has no white
envelopes or letter stamps, request him to send
the boy out for some; and express your regret
that you have no small change TO pay for them
saying-and you can laugh at your wit, and SO
pass the thing off handsomely" but these little
things always regulate themselves in the end 2
Having sealed your letter, vociferate to the
"devil" to come and carry it to the post office
quick; and borrow quarter of the Editor tc
pay him for carrying it; remarkng that it is 6
principle with you never to ask a gratutous fa
vor Of any nybody-especially Of a boy but that
you always pay for services rendered. Now
you can borrow n cigar from the editors case
call for matches; "apply the calorc to the pre-
pared weed" throw your muddy boots over q
pile of accepted manuscripts" and puff away
occasionally humming, in a tone between a CUR
gle and howl, snatches Of
"Ik knew by the smoke that so gracefully curl'd"
or of something else appropriate for the occa
sion :" ever and anon knocking off your cigar
ashes into the inkstand.
Your cigar finished, turn around to your vic
tim and ask, in confidential tone-What is the
eract circulation of his paper? and stick to the
point till you get some definite information
about it. Try, also to worm out of him what
each assistant editor gets week what contrib
utors receive; how much the advertisement:
annually yield; if some persons don't get adver
tising cheaper than others; if the Journal is re-
ally honest and impartial in its criticisms; who
actually writes the leaders; who. writes the
searching" articles on the rascality of the AL
dermen; how many shareholders there are il
the Journal, and who owns the most stock
what is the actual valuation of the establishment
and what per centage it pays, and continuing
this pumping process as long as it may prove
agreeabe-to you.
"Ah here comes lot Of proof. Pounce up
on it Mr. Leisure, and read it sowly--althougl
you see the compostor waiting for the Editor
to correct it, Try your hand at making few
corrections yourself You will of course scratcl
and blot the proof so as to render it ilegibe
but no matter. You can make that all square
by throwing it down. at last, with the exclama
ltion," that you never could get the hang of cor
recting proof And now, while the Editor il
e. Al n 4 &C, Il vcu sbou1 IN ra