Plymouth advertiser. [volume] (Plymouth, Ohio) 1853-1988, 1853-12-10
TURNPIKE AND DIVORCE.

One winter there came to Trenton two
men named Smith and Jones, who had
both Of them designs upon the legislature.
Jones had bad wife and was in love
with woman; he wished to be divorced
from the lad wife. so that he might marry
the pretty woman, who. by the way, was
a wi'ow, with black eyes and such bust!
Therefore Jones came to Trenton to get
a divorce.
Smith had good wife, plump as tor
toise. good as an angel, and the mother
Of ten children, and Smith did not want
to ger divorced, but did want to get turn.
pike or plank road from Pigs Run to
Terrapin Hollow.
Well, they, with these different errands,
came to Trenton, and addressed the as
sembled wisdom with the usual arguments.
Isl, suppers, mainly composed Of oyesters,
with rich back round of venison. I'd,
liquids in great plenty, from Jersey Light
ming, Ia kind of locomitive at full speed
reduced to liquid shape,) to Newark
Champagne. Speaking in plain terms,
Jones The divorce man, gave a champagne
supper, and Smith the turnpike man, fol-
lowed on with champagne breakfast.
Under the modifying influence of these
app pliances, the assembled wisdom passed
the divorce and turnpike bills; and Jones
and SMITH each with copy of his bill in
his pocket went home rejoicing over
miles of sand, and through the tribulaton
of many stage coaches. Smith arrived
home the next evening, and as he sal
down in the psrlor, his loving wife set be-
side him, how pretty she did look! and
five of his children asleep over head, the
,, other five studying their lessons in the
corner of the room, Smith was induced to
expatiate upon the good results of his mis-.
sion to Trenton.
"A turnpike, my dear-T am one of the
directors and will be presdent-it will
set us up, love-we can send the children
to boarding school, and live in style out
of the toll. Here is the charter, honey
Let me see it, said the plea osant wife,
who was one of the pleasantest of women
with plumpness and goodness dlmpled all
over her face. Let me see it, and she
leaned over Smiths shoulder. pressing hel
! arm upon his own, and she looked at the
parchment. But all at once Smiths face
grew long. Smiths wife's visage grew
= dark. Smith was not profane, but now
= he ripped forth an awful oath.
: sD-n il, wife, those Internal scoun
drels at Trenton have divorced us!
. 1t was too true. The parchment which
> he held was a bill of divorce, in which
. the name of Smith and Smiths wife ap
peared in frightful legible letters. Mrs
Smith wiped her eyes with the corner o
her apron.
? Here's tarnbike,' she said sadly, an,
!. with the whole ten children staring her il
the face, Il amt your wife! Here's
= turnpike1
'D--n the turnpike, and the legis
: lature, and the -
J Well, the fact is, that Smith, reduces
to single-blessedness. 'enacted' into
'" stranger to his own wife, swore awfully
although the night was dark, and mos
II of the denizens of Smiths village ha
10 - gone to bed, Smith babe his late wife pu
n on her bonnet, and arm in arm they pro
!. ceeded to the house of the clergyman G
!, their church.
IL Goodness bless mel exclaimed tn
'' mild good man, as he saw them enter
Smith looking like the very last Jun
ii shade, and AIRS, Smith wiping her eye
y with the corner of her apron, 'Goodnes
y, bless me! what's the matter!'
!, 'Ihe matter is, want you to marry u
)" too right off, said Smith.
Marry you' CALCULATED the clergyma
Id with expanded fingers, ARE you drunk Q
IN crazy!'
v, Il amt crazy, and l wish--I wish I wa
drunk said Smith, despairinyly eth
fact is, brother Goodwin, that some scour
er drels at Trenton, unknown to me, and ;
r dead of night. have divorced me from m
IN wife, the mother Of nine children!'
is 'Ten,' suggested Mrs. Smith, who wa
crying. Here's a turnpike!
~ Well, the good minister-seeing th
=. state of the case, married them over agai
q straghtway. and would not take fee.
The fact is, grave as he was, he W,
dying 10 be alone so that he might gi,
=: ~ vent to the suppressed laughter that W;
- shaking him all over. ...
And Smith and Smiths wife went hon
- and kissed every one of their ten children
lis The little Smiths never knew that the
n' father and mother had been made sra
10 gers by legislative enactment.
Meanwhile, aud on the same nigh
Jones returned to his town-Burlingto
er, I believe, and sought that fine pair
block eyes which he hoped shortly 10 ca
sh his own. The pretty widow sat by hi
nd on the sofa, white kerchief tied careles
9TH ly around her white throat. her black ha
as laid in silky waves against each ros
cheek.
sDivorce is the word cried Jones lla,
ne fully patting her cheek The fact
ire Eliza, I'm rid of that cursed woman, al
ey YOU and I'll be married tonight. kno
ay how to manage these scoundrels at Ire
in ton. A champagne supper, (or was it
me breakfas,?) did the business With them.-
Put on your bonnet and things, and let
go to the preachers at once, dearest!'
ed The widow, who was among wido,
er- as peaches among apples, put on her bo
net and took Jones' arm, and ---
ak- Just look how handsome it is 10 put