Loudon free press. (Loudon, Tenn.) 1852-1855, 1853-09-02
guunon fire. Nress.

DEATHBEp ADVICE OF Hox. SIMON SMIRK
BY W. O. EGton-Simon Smirk was on his
death-bed. His son Samuel was standing 10y
his side. and while he was holding bis father
hand. his father spoke to him as follows;
ssSammv. am dying-at the age Of ffty-fve.
I wish YOU to pay strict attention to my dying
advice"
II will Father"
"Sammv. the neighbors and all my friends tell
me haven't an enemy in the world, and | be-
lieve haven't. ] want you to understand why
l haven't 1t is all owing to policy, Sam; poll
CIV, and nothing shorter. When | was of Your
age, my boz, | was as poor as an old village
horse turned out to die. Age has at last bro
ken me down, but amt poor thank policy
Follow my example, and you will become a far
richer man than your father. Sammy, and die
without an enemy as do"
Samuel Smirl wept, as in duty bound. But
grief and his handkerchief cholled his utterance,
and so he said nothing.
at has ALWAYS been my policy, resum-
ed the dying Smirk, ito avoid giving offence to
any one No matter what people said to me;
or any one else; right or wrong have always
endeavored to forbear and submit, wherever |
could; to be calm and cautious on all occasions,
and to avoid the exhibition of any sign of re-
sentiment. By long experience in this have
found that 10y persevering to agree with every
body, is sure eventual guide to universal pop
ularity."
"Bnt have you never had any difficulty with
any one?''
i"Not since I was twenty-one," SAID the dying
man gasping for breath. 'Reach me little
water and wet my lips. They are too parched
for me to speak plain. There-there, he ad-
ded, as his son obeyed him; that will do, and
you shall be initiated into my inyraiable, inyal-
liable policy BE deferential, Sam, deferential
and control your temper, and Hatter wherever
you get chance, have bow, smile, and
word, and shake of the hand for everybody
mark for everybody, and then you will get a
long"
But mustn't be friendly to villains, must I?'
"Friendlvl Hump! Be friendly to nobody;
only seem So Viainsl they compose two-thirds
of the community; and they are the most influ-
entail. As for the one-third, though it is well
enough to keep their good opinion, they are on
" agents in the building up of man." But
don't get afronted with emp "0h no, Sam,
never DO that. Never kick a dog. unless you
are sure he hasn't any owner, then kick away
if you like
Though his father was dying, Samuel could
not help smiling at his language.
That's right said the elder Smirk, "like that.
Smile again, Sam, smile again. BY smiling
have gained many friend. But be careful
YOU don't smile at the wrong time. A smile is
a powerful weapon, but it must be used with
judgment"
"Do you know, Sam. why was always such
a favorite with the women?"
"No, father"
II was always careful, IN the first place, to feel
my way with the women; took care to under
stand their characters, their sentiments their
particular vanities and hobbies; keeping my
own ideas in the back ground till could coin
eide with theirs. | always took care never to
speak disrespectful of the sex. | never; in the
presence of a woman, called woman 'wo-
man. or female had but one name ladies
for all the feminine gender"
''How aid you do when they differed and
asked your opinion?"
81 would agree with one, and at the same
time wink at the other silly, as TO say, It's all
a humbug, what am saying If a woman was
ugly, Id praise her intellect II she didn't
know anything I'd praise her virtue. In this
way | seldom missed my mark; for it is very Sci
dom you find n woman that is ugly. immoral
and a fool in the bargain. In fact it is hard
work to find any body who hasn't some good
point, or who isn't susceptible to Aattery in some
way or other, and a man must be an ass who if
determined to ilatter, and make his Aattery ac-
ceptible, can't seize hold Of some merit, in mind,
in heart, form or face Of the person he wishes
to please and faigniDg to admire,it, makes that
person friendly
"Must / be liberal or stingy?"
"Oh, be LIBERAL be liberal by all means said
the dying man, with CHASTITY smile--that is
In sentiment. Whenever a generous deed is
Ill - Al L.
generous people. Clap your hands for philan-
thropy, and then clap them in your pocket and
keep them there"
Suppose beggar asks aims of me. or am
called on to subscribe to some charitable object
IF any person begs, say "Certainly my poor
woman, or my man. or my poor child and
then quickly feel in your pockets You will
find no money of course but you must say with
a sigh and a tear in your eye, if you can scare
one up, L haven't a cent about me-
If YOU don't get God bless you,' for that I'm
mistaken. never found it to fail
"But subscriptions"
''Read the paper, praise the object, bat say
that You have Just subscribed more than You
could afford, for another object of a similar ma
ture.r If the applicant believes, by this that
YOU are in the charitable line, he will let you off,
whereas, if you refused, out and out without an
explanation, he might abuse you behind your
back have made myself great reputation
for benevolence, merely by refusing to subscribe
in this way This is queer world, SAM"
Here the old gentleman was seized with u
client fit of coughing, which nearly took him
out Of this queer world.
Il fear, father, that talking so much viii be
fatal to you," said Samuel.
"No, no. resumed his father, 81 am deter
mined not to die till get through. As l was
saying, Sammy, this is queer world, and you
can't get along without religion"
"Without what?" exclaimed his son in a.
mazemeDt. He had never heard him mention
religion before in his life.
"Without religion. Hire pew by all means
Talk religion occasonally-you can soon get
the hang of it. PROTESTANT practise when
you're Obliged TO. But at any rate, profess; il
helps fellow along in business. | got some
ofmy most profitable customers and best friends
by protesting religion. Pew rent is no object
when yop come to think of that"
"Butif yon belong to church You viii have
70 defend its doctrines; and religious euntrover
sizes create ennity, don't they?7
sometimes But whenever | found that
was getting into trouble on account of my rel
gion, was always careful to yield a point OF
two, smile in christian like way and then back