The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1853-06-30


her right check; but scarcely had the echo
of the blow melted into silence, ere the
indignant dame seized the teapot and
shivered it into atoms against the head of
the devoted Mr.. Swallow. Nor was this
this all, for as he was rolling heels over
head from the effect of the awful colis-
ion, she piled on the remainder of the
tea-traps until there was scarcely bone
in his body which had not echoed to the
shock of cups and saucers, and rounds of
buttured toast
Unable to carry the war on any longer
for that day, Solomon gathered himself
up as we'll as he could, and, vowing venge-
ance, he stuck his pipe in his mouth, his
hands in his pockets, and then commen-
ced whistling jig to the tune the old cow
died on, looking as if he could bite
piece off the griddle, without setting his
teeth on edge. His good lady, too, being
determined to follow the example of her
lord and master in other matters beside
the delf-breaking, placed another chair
back to back with Solomon's, and after
prodviding herself with a novel, sat her
self down and began reading away, as if
there was no such things as beds to make,
or stockings to mend, in all Christendom.
Here this affectionate couple sat for
six mortal hours, each bent upon sitting
the other down, and Illuminating the
while upon their relative position.-But
it must be confessed that Mrs. Swallow
had the best of the bargain, for indepen-
! dent of Solomon's mangled head, par
boiled neck and shoulders, he saw as
clear as mud, that the watchdial and the
crockery must be repleaced; so that the
reducing of the first chapter in his volum-
inous system to practice must be attended
with an outlay of at least twenty dollars.
This being the case, | might as we'll be
hung for sheep as lamb, thought he,
and with that he softly rose from his
chair, stole softly from the room, and
turned the key upon the gentle Mrs.
Swallow.
The turning of the key made her a.
ware of his intention, when she rushed to
the door, but it was too late.
"Open the door this instant, Mr..
Swallow"
"Not until have kept you here seven
days upon bread and water" returned
the victorious Solomon, as he went his
way rejoicing.
But alas! how Aeeting is human great
ness-in about half an hour he returned
to see how matters were going, but scarce
ly put his eye to the key-hole when he
began roaring like bull, for Mrs. Swal-
low had torn every one of his fine linen
shirts, (that on his back excepted) into
pieces, to make rope to let herself down
from the window; nor was this all, for
upon farther examination, he discovered
that she had also thrown variety of chair
cushins, bed linnen, &C., into the dirty
yard, to make her descent safe.
! o, chap-fallen Solomon Swallow
The archieves of the Swallows are ST.
lent as to the remaing occurrences of this
eventful day, but on the very next morn
ing, about o'clock, Mr.. Swallow popped
his head from under the blanket, and
said.
Mrs. Swallow. dear, isn't it time to
get up?"
YES" returned the lady, "and you
may call me when you have lit the fire,
and put on the kettle"
Poor Solomon There was no alter
native. So he sat about his work with
an alacrity which showed that he had
the terror Of broken head and demolish-
"a body linnen running strongly in his
memory In short, Solomon was con-
J quered man. That day he had to prepare
breakfast, sweep the room, etc. The next,
his assistance was required in the rubbing
of the furniture, and the making of beds;
and, before the week was out, he was in
itiated into the mystery of washing towels.
Degenerate Solomon Swallow! Nay,
in aftertimes, when the Swallows began
to gether about him, it is whispered that
his better half used to employ him at yet
more deeply conjugal Offices.
About five years after the celebration
of his nuptials, friend called to see him.
you must 60 with me to the theatre,
Mr.. Swallow" said the friend.
" He shan't," said Mrs. Swallow.
"Hs must" said the friend, "and so
must you"
| 81 may, but he can't, replied the dame,
for he must stay at home with the chill
| dren."
And Mrs. Swallow did 60 to the play,
and Solomon stayed at home.
O, en-pecked Solomon Swallow
The moral of this authentic tale is that
bachelors wives and old maids chill
dren are always excellent in theory, but
as bad as can be in practice-and that
managed wife is better than no wife at all.
Had Solomon only treated his better-half
decently in the beginning, things might
have gone on smoothly to the end, but as it
was, he compelled her to be Tartar in
her own defence; he had to take the con-
seconquences."
The New Orleans Ptcayatae says fine,
ripe, juicy peaches are in that lnarkot.--
We leave our readers to their own refec-