Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-05-19
VOL. VII.

Jul he was prepared Tor 1t. w nat says my
system on this head!' said he to himself, mus
ingly. 1t says that lazy wife who lies abed
IN the morning may be very properly reminded
OF her duty by the judcious application of a
coercion Pn.' And this magnificent idea had
scarcely crossed the threshold of his brainpan,
than he inserted the point of huge pin in the
right arm of the sleeper. As might be ex-
Pected, the intended effect instantly followed
the cause, for the astonished Mrs. Swallow
sprang from the bed as though she had been
thrown from it by an earthquake But alas,
her agility was too strikingly manifested, for
she not only all but annhilated poor Solomon
in rolling over him, but she dashed his patent
lever from the nail which suspended it to the
wall, and broke the dial into thousand pieces
'What dreadful dream,' calculated Mrs
Swallow, pressing her left hand on her wound
ed arm.
'What a dreadful reality shouted Mr.
Swallow, contemplating the fragile ruins Of
his demolished time-piece.
Here we pass over the interval between this
occurrence and the time when the happy pair
in question were seated at breakfast.
Now, Mrs. Swallow said Solomon, see
ing that can't awaken TO call you up in the
morning, or eat burned toast, or drink raw tea,
etc., it is time | should begin to instruct you
in your duties
'And what are those, Mr.. Swallow!'
BE silent, madam, if you please; not TO
talk, but listen, is one of the most important of
Them
Proceed, sir
And Mr.. Swallow, looking daggers at her,
for the second interruption, proceeded
From six till eight, you are to get up,
dress quietly, so as to create no disturbance,
light fire, air clothing and stockings, sweep
rooms, prepare breakfast, and announce the
perfection thereof. Eight till ten, wash tea
things, rub furniture, and clean windows
Ten 10 twelve, 60 to market and prepare din
ner. Twelve till two, TO devote to dish-wash-
ing, sweeping up and rubbing furniture. Two
to SIX, spinning, mending clothes, and darning
stockings. Seven, tea. From that time till
nine, a second course of mending and darning,
and then 60 to bed. And this daily course,
madam, with a strict observance Of the rules Of
civlity, frugality, decorum, and obedience,
may, in time enable you to do honor to the
choice of Mr. Solomon Swallow
Mrs. Swallow listened quietly to the end,
and then mildly inquired
'And do you really expect this of me, Mr..
Swallow g
TO be sure do responded her spouse.
'Then, you'll be sadly disappointed, for I'll
do no such thing
'Nop
NO
'Tve way to make you
'How!'
'Spoou diet, locks, chains and cowhide.
'Mr. SwallowI
sWhat!'
YOU'RE brute.' and Mrs. Swallow threw
herself back, and looked desperate.
Now this was a climax. Mr.. Swallow was
called brute at his own fireside, and by his
| own wife, which was the worst Of all He,
Solomon Swallow, the celebrated founder of a
system of matrimonial observation, called a
brute, and by no less person than Mrs. Swal-
low. At first he was SO astonished at such
open manifestation Of rebellion Of his royal
will, that he only looked aghast; but when he
came to himself, he saw that something must
be done at once, or the field was lost forever.
You called me brute, Mrs. Swallow
Il did, Mr.. Swallow
a brutet
"a brutep
'I'll go mad and break things, Mrs. Swal-
low.
AS you like, SIR
And Mr.. Swallow did 60 mad, but he had a
method in his madness, for he seized the cheap
est article of delf that was on the table, Gan old
plate with a crack in it,) and dashed it into a
thousand pieces on the hearth, as if he was in
a tremendous passion.
How do you like that, Mrs. Swallow!'
Vastly, Mr.. Swallow, try it again."
And again he did try it, (for he had become
desperately and demolished the cream-jug.'
Now said the lady, 'it is my turn ! and
jumping up she sent the slop-bowl TO keep
company with it tea-table companions.
This was, of course, too much for Solomon
it snapped asunder the last remaining cord o.
the little reason he had left, and he slapped his
helpmate-we use.the word in its most posi-
tive sense-on her right cheek; but scarcely
had the echo Of the blow melted into silence,
ere the indignant dame seized the teapot and
shivered it into atoms against the head of the
devoted Mr.. Swallow. Nor was this all, for
as he was rolling heels over head from the eff
feet of the awful collision, she piled the re-
mainder of the tea-traps until there was scarce
ly bone in his body which had not echoed to
the shock of cups and saucers, ,-and rounds Of
buuered toast.
Unable to carry on the war any longer for
that day, Solomon gathered himself up as well
as he could, and vowing vengeance, he stuck
his pipe in his mouth, his hands in his pockets,
and then commenced whistling jig to the
tune the old cow died Of, looking as if he could
bite piece off the griddle, without setting his
teeth on edge. His good lady, too, being de-
termined to follow the example of her lord and
master in other matters beside the delEbreak.