davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
Mr.. Pipkin's Ideas Of Family Retrench'
ment

Mrs. Pipkin, am under the disagreeable
necessity of informing you that our family ex-
penses are getting enormous. see that car
pet woman charged you dollar for one days
work. Why, that's positively man 'swages;
such presumption is intolerable. Pity you
did not make it yourself, Mrs. PIpkin; wives
ought to lift their end Of the yoke; that's my
creed
Little Tom Pipkin-Papa, may / have this
bit ofpaper on the floor! it is your tailor's
bill-says "$4OO for your last years clothes"
Mr.. Pipkin-TOm, go to bed, and learn
never to interrupt your father when he is talk
ing. Yes, as | was saying, Mrs. Pipkin,
wives should hold up their end of the yoke;
and it is high time that there was little re-
trenchment here; superfuities must be dis
pensed with.
Br7dget-Please, sir, there are three bas-
kets of champagne just come for you, and four
boxes of cigars.
Mr.. Pipkin-Will you please to lock that
door, Mrs. Pipkin, till can get chance to
say what have to say to you on this subject.
| was thinking to-day that you might dis
pense with your nursery maid, and take care
of the baby yourself. He don't cry much
except nights; and since I've slept alone up
stairs, / don't hear the little tempest at all ;
it is really quite relief-that childs voice is
a perfect ear-splitter.
think l shall get you too, to take charge
of the marketing and providing, (on stipu-
lated allowance from me, Of cOurse,) it will
give ne so much more time to attend to buSi-
ness, Mrs. Pipkin / shall take my own din
ners down town at the - House. | hear
Stevens is an excellent Hcaterer;" Though
that's nothing to me, of course, as my only
object in going is to meet business acquaint-
ances from different parts of the Union, to
drive bargain, &C., &c.
Well-it will cost you and the children lit
tie or nothing for your dinners. There's moth
ing so disgusting to man of refinement, like
myself as to see a loonadn fond of eating; and
as to children, any fool knows they ought not
to be allowed to stuff their skins like little an
acondas. Yes, our family expenses are enor-
nous. Ny partner sighed like pair of bel
lows, at the last baby you had, Mrs. Pipkin
oh, it's quite ruinous; but can't stop to talk
now, I'm going to try splendid horse which
is offered me at bargain; (too frisky for you
to ride, my dear, but just the thing for me.)
You had better dismiss your nursery girl
this afternoon; that will begin to look like re-
trenchment Goodbye; if / shouldn't be
home till late, don't sit up for me, as I've Or
dered supper at = House, for my old
friend, Tom Hillar, of New Orleans. Well
drink this toast, my dear: "Here's hoping
the last little Pipkin may never have his nose
put out of joint" FANNY FERN.
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
Who Sent Them {?

Old mother Bender was pious but poor. In
the midst of her extreme want, her trust and
confidence was in God.
1t was late one chilly night in the autumn
of the year, when two rather wild young men
were passing her cottage on their way home.
One of them had under his arm some loaves of
bread, which he had procured at the village
store. A faint light glittered from mother
Bender's easement. Said the one who had
the loaves to his companion, 'Let's have some
fun with the old woman.''
"Agreed," said the other. They approach
ed the house and peeping into the window, saw
the old woman upon her knees, by the hearth,
where few embers were smouldering in the
ashes. She was engaged in prayer. They
listened and heard her offering earnest petitious
for bread. She was entirely destitute of food.
In furtherance of their fun, one of them with
the loaves, climbed softly up the roof of the
cottage, and dropped one loaf after the other
down the chimney AS they rolled out upon
the hearth they caught the old lady's eye, and
in the fullness of her heart she exclaimed
"Thank the Lord-bless the Lord for his
bounty"
''But the Lord didn't send them," shouted
voice from the chimney.
"Yes he did, cried she, undauntedly; ''the
Lord sent them but the devil brought them"
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
10 Prevent Milk from souring.

A correspondent Of the Ohio Farmer gives
the following plan
Agreeable to your request will give you
on account of our experience in the dairy busi-
ness, with regard to preserving milk from be-
coming sour. We have kept from fifty to
hundred and fifteen cowsfor several years, and
have milked seyenty-two the past season. We
strain the milk at night into tin vat set in
wooden one, into which we pump cold water
for the purpose Of cooling it. Thus it is kept
sweet until morning, with very little trouble,
when we strain in the mornings milk, which
is warmed sufficiently by heating the water in
the wooden vat. Thns we proceed until Sat
urday night, when the milk is set and curd
made which is kept until Monday morning and
made into cheese. Sabbath morning the milk is
strained into bowls, which are painted inside
and out with thick coat of paint, smooth and
hard, and set in cool place on the cellar bot
tom, where it keeps sweet until Monday when
it is skinned and made into cheese
The result has been that we have not lost a
bowl Of milk the past summer. But milk set
in tin pans has sometimes soured. We for
merly preserved it in tin pans by putting a
piece of clean ice into each pan, The rest Of
the Sabbath may be enjoyed and the practice
Of making cheese on that day be avoided"
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
Couldn't COS he Sung Sol

Leaning idly over fence, few dav, si,..
we noticed little four-year-old "lord Of cra,
ton" amusing himself in the grass bv watch
ing the frolicsome flight Of birds which we,s
playing around him. At length beautiful
bobolink perched himself upon a droopinp
bough Of an apple tree, which extended to
within few yards Of the place where the ur-
chin sat, and maintained his position, apparent
ly unconscious Of the close proximity to one
whom birds usually consider dangerous
neighbor
The boy seemed astonished at his impu-
dence, and after regarding him steadily for a
minute or two, obeying the instinct of his bas-
er part, he picked up stone lying at his feet
and was preparing to throw it, steadying him
self carefully for good aim The little arm
was reached backward without alarming the
bird, and Bob was within an ace of dam
age, when 10! his throat swelled, and forth
came Natures plea ga link-a link-a Link
bob-o-link! no-weet, a-link-a-link-a-linkl
don't throw tl-throw it, throw it." &c. &c
and ne didn't. Slowly the little arm subsidized
to Its natural position, and the despised stone
dropped. The minstrel charmed the murder
or! We heard the songster through, and
watched his unharmed fight, as did the boy,
with sorrowful countenance. Anxious 10
hear an expression of the little fellows feel
ing, we approached him, and inquired:
"Why didn't you stone him, nv boy! YOU
might have killed him and carried him home. !"
The poor little fellow looked up doubtingly,
as though he suspected our meaning, and with
an expression half shame and half sorrow. he
replied:
"COuLdnt cos he sung So,''
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
A Little Quakeress in Hurry to get
Married.

An amusing matrimonial story is told of the
olden time of New England 1t SO fell out
that two young people became very much smit-
ten with each other, as young people some
times do. The young woman's father was a
wealthy Quaker-the young man was poor but
respectable. The father could stand no such
union, and resolutely opposed it, and the daugh-
ter dare not disobey-that is to say, she dare
not disobey openly. She !" met him by moon
light" while she pretended never to see him
and she pined and wasted in spite of herself.
She was really in love-a state of sighs and
tears, which woman oftener reach in imagina-
tion than in reality Still the father remained
inexorablc. Time passed on, and the rose on
Mary's damask cheek passed of. She let no
concealment, like /" worm in the bud," prey
on that damask cheek however but when her
father asked her why she pined she always told
him. The old gentleman was widower, and
loved his girl dearly. Had it been widow
mother who had Mary in charge, woman's
pride never would have givin way before the
opportunities of a daughter. Men are not,
however, so stubborn in such matters, and
when the father saw that the daughters heart
was really set upon the match, he surprised
her one day by breaking out" Mary, rather
than NOPE to death, thee had better marry as
thee chooses, and when thee please"
And what did Mary! Wait till the birds
of the air had told her swain of the change, or
wait till her father had time to alter his mind
again! Not bit Of ID. She clapped her neat,
plain bonnet on her head, walked directly into
the street, and then as directly to the house Of
her intended as the street would carry her
She walked into the house without knocking
for knocking was not then fashionable-and
she found the family just sitting down to din
ner. Some little commotion was exhibited at
so unexpected an apparition as the heiress in
the Widows cottage, but she needed it not
John looked up inquiringly. She walked to
him, and took his hands in hers: ''John, said
she, ''father says may have thee" And
John got directly up from the dinner table, and
went to the parsons. In just twenty-five min
utes they were man and wife!
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
Will it be Believed?

Will it be believed, hundred years hence,
that in 1912, the Government of Great Britain
paid about fI6,OOO, 900 sterling per annum,
to keep up men-ofwar and their appurtenanc-
es, and less than one-hundredth part the sum
towards educating the children of the people
throughout the nation
Will it be believed, that in England, a land
of Bibles, and the most civilized and religious
country in the world, one-half Of the laboring
people could neither read those Bibles, nor
write their own namel
Will it be believed, that though the charity
schools of England and the endowed colleges
of the nation possessed an annual income Of
from four to FIVE millions sterling, this revenue
was devoted mainly to the education of the
children of the rich, and furnishing rich sine
cure offices for gentlemen; while the chill
dren of the poor, for whom these charities
were bequeathed by pious men, were left
chiefly to the education of the streets and the
back lanes.
Will it be believed, that the average pay of
a policeman who looks after criminals. was.
in 1852, one-third more than the average pay
Of the schoolmaster appointed to educate i'm
mortal minds!
Will it be believed, that the 1900 armed
police employed in Ireland received annual
salaries Of about thirty pounds year, and that
the $3.50 teachers of youth under the Irish
National Board of Education, received an av-
erage salary of only fourteen pounds year.
VIII it be believed, that the British Judges
got each from f4 900 to $4,000 year for
trying telons, and the British Astronomer
Royal was paid with fifth part of that sum,
or no more than the deliverer of votes at the
House of Commonst
VIII it be believed that while we paid with
objection several millions year for arrestino.
trying and condemning criminals, we could
not agree to provide one-half of the funds 50
to educate men as to prevent their becoming
criminals
Will it be believed that all the large towns
Of Great Britain paid more fer the conviction
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
"Co1tldnt cos he sung so.""

"A BEAUTIFUL INCIDENT "A naval officer
being at sea in dreadful storm, his lady was
sitting near him, and filled with alarm for the
safety Of the vessel, was so surprised at his
compOsure and serenity, that she cried out -
"My dear, are you not afraid! How is it
possible you can be 50 calm in such dread
full storm ~
He rose from his chair, lashed to the deck,
supporting himself by pillar of the bed
place, drew his sword, and pointing it to the
breast Of his wife, exclaimed:
Are you not afraid!"
She instantly answered, "No."
Whyi" said the officer.
=" Because, = rejoined the lady, II know
this sword is in the hands of my husband, and
he loves me too well to hurt me-"
"Then," said he, remember, know in
whom | believe, and that He holds the wind
in His fists, and the water in the hollow Of
His hands,
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

and confinement Of Juvenile criminals than
they contributed for the education of children
so as to prevent their becoming so!
Will it be believed that Great Britain ex-
celled all other nations in working up raw ma
terials-such as iron, cotton, flax and wool
into wondrously beautiful fabrics, but left the
raw material of humanity in the most neglect
ed state-that she devoted infinite pains and
skill in the perfection of machines of all kinds,
but left Man, of all other machines, the least
improved!
Will it be relieved, that it could be said in
the House of Peers, of London-the seat and
centre of modern civilization, that there were
in that city 400, 900 children who had re-
ceived no education whatever, and that, with
one or two exceptions, England was the least
educated country in Europe!"
And, will it be believed, that another noble
lord, now peer, could also have said in the
House of Commons without contradiction, ''I
know that out of the pale Of the church, be-
yond the limits of the denominations there
is vast, destitute, neglected mass fostering
in our streets and alleys; with every sight
and sound of contamination choking the ac-
cesses to every sense-without any idea of
duty to earth or heaven-upon whom no word
of instruction ever falls, upon whom no breath
of love ever settles-unclaimed by Lambeth,
unknown to Geneva, uncOnverted by Rome, !"
and that about such a time, the ladies and
gentlemen of-England were peering across the
wide ocean for objects on which to bestow
their tender philanthropy
No, no These things will not be believed
fifty years hence !--Eiza Cooks Journal.
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

AN APPEAL TO THE YOUNG. A young
man has lately been convicted in Virginia Of
robbing the mail, and has been sentenced to
the penitentiary. There is an affecting and
melancholy incident connected with this young
mans criminal history, which goes to exhibit
the strength of parental affection. When the
father heard that his son had been arrested on
charge Of robbing the mail, he exclaimed
"Have my grey hairs been brought to see
thisl" and then fell.
He was taken to his bed, and died in few
days of broken heart. If the young would
not bring the grey hairs Of their parents to
the grave in sorrow, let them avoid the first
enticements to sin. Once in the downward
path, they know not where they will stop.
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

A Quick REPARTE. The following anec-
dote Of Gov. Morris, is related by correspon-
dent of the New York Times
He had high respect for Bishop Moore, a
man noted not only for the purity of his char
acter, but for the retiring modesty Of his dis
position, and also for the general favor in
which he was held. AS the story ran: a
dinner was given by some one of Governor
Morris's friends, when he was about depart
ing for Europe. Bishop Moore and his wife
were Of the party. Among other things that
passed in conversation, Mr.. Morris observed
that he had made his will in prospect Of going
abroad; and turning to Bishop Moore, said to
him:
"My reverend friend, have bequeathed to
you my whole stock of impudence.
Bishop Moore replied
"Sir, you are not only very kind, but very
generous; you have left to me by far the larg-
est portion of your estate"
Mrs. Moore Immediately added:
"My dear, you have come in possession of
your inheritance remarkably soon."
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

The DANDY.-A LIFELINE PICTURE
" The dandy" says the Rev. III. w. Beecher,
+" is the sum total of coats, hats, vests, boots,
&c. He is the creature of the tailor. His
destiny is bound up in broadcloth and fine lin
en-. His worth can be estimated only by the
yard, cloth measure. We are puzzled to tell
whether he is a female gentleman or male
lady. He combines the little weaknesses and
foibles of both sexes, but knows nothing Of the
good qualities of either. He is human poo
die handled at home in the lap Of effeminacy,
but the sport and butt Of every sensible dog,
when he ventures into the street. On pleas
ant days he exhibits himself on the fashionable
promenade, to the admiration, he supposes, Of
every fair lady who is fortunate enough
to cross his path. The severest labor
his hands perform is to tote dandy cane
about in his daily walks. The only head
work " to which he would stoop, is to twirl
and coax reluctant moustache, or bathe his
glossy locks and ringlets In I" odors sweet. =
He is inconsolable over soiled boot, and
would be driven to distraction were he COM
PEELED to appear in tumbled linen. Original
sin, with him, consists in not being born with
a full suit of the latest Partisan mode and
the clearest depravity as well as vulgarity, is
wearing last years style. In fine, his soul is
in his clothes; and when at last he goes down
to that most questionable and undandifed
place, the house Of the dead, a proper epitaph
would be- I" Here lies all of him that could
die; the rest has gone--to the old clothes
dealers o." F al f
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

FEELING AND THINKING. A young man
having finished his medical studies, applied to
an old gentleman to know whether his neigh
borhood would be an eligible situation for a
physician.
"Why," replied the old man, "what can
you do!" slp
"Why, can feel pulse, and discover
from it what disease the patient is subject to. T"
Here, then, feel mine,' said the old man,
stretching out his arm.
"You are troubled with the headache, y
said the young physician, after very saga
cious look.
"Never had it in my life, sir" said the old
gentleman.
This was poser. Profound silence en-
sued.
g I suppose you think me fool" said the
physician, retiring.
"Ah," he replied, "you know what THINK
hut you don't know what / feel."
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30
Anecdote of Burns.

Andrew Horner and Burns were pitted
against each other to write poetry. An cpl
gram was the subject chosen, because, as An
drew internally argued, sit is the shortest Of
all poems" In compliment to him, the COM
pany resolved that his own merits should sup
ply the theme. So he commenced
SIN seventeen hunder thretty nine !"
and he paused. He then said,
Ye see was born in 1899, 1.-THE real date
was some years earlier) SO maxi that the
commencement
He then took pen in hand, folded his paper
with conscious air of authorship, SQUARED
himself to the table like one who considered il
no trife even to write letter, and slowly put
down IN good round hand, as if he had been
making out a bill Of parcels, the line
"In seventeen hunder thretty ninen-
but beyond this, after repeated attempts, he
was unable to advance. The second line was
the Rubicon he could not pass. At last when
Andrew Homer reluctantly admitted that he
was not quite in the vein, the pen, ink and
paper were handed to his antagonist BY
him they were rejected, for he instantly gave
the following, uiUG Uoue::
In seventeen hunder thretty nine,
The dell gat stuff to maxi swine,
And pit 1t in a corner
But shortly after changed his plan.
Made 1t TO something like man,
And called It Andrew Horner !"
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

TOUCHING DEL1cAcY. There were many
little occurrences which suggested to me, with
great consolation, how natural it is to gentle
hearts to be considerate and delicate towards
any inferiority. One Of these particularly
touched me. happened to stroll into the lit
tie church when marriage was just conclud-
ed, and the young couple had to sign the reg
lister.
The bridegroom to whom the pen was hand
ed first, made a rude cross for his mark; the
bride, who came next, did the same
Now, had known the bride when | was
last there, not only as the prettiest girl in the
place, but as having quite distinguished her
self in the school; and could not help look
ing at her with some surprise. She came
aside and whispered to me, while tears of
honest love and admiration stood in her
bright eyes;
"He's dear good fellow, Miss; but he
can't write yet; he's going to learn of me
and wouldn't shame him for the world ~
Why, what had I to fear, thought, when
there was this nobility in the soul Of labor
ing mans daughter Bleak House.
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

F1DeErY CoNscIENcEs.-The church has
always contained some rather eccentric mem
bers, troubled with very Jfdgety consciences.
A good, but ignorant woman, once went to
DR.. Gill, with her loaded soul, to receive
consolation. She was much grieved with
the fact that they were in the habit of sing
ing unholy tunes. Perhaps So" said the
Doctor, I" well, what tunes shall we sing!"
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

A SITUATIoN.-Two young officers were
travelling in the far West, when they stopped
to take supper at small roadside tavern, kept
by rough Yankee woman. The landlady, in
calico sun-bonnet, and bare feet, stood at the
head of the table to pour out. She inquired
of her guests " if they chose long sweetening,
or short sweetening in their Coffee" The Of
ficer, supposing that GO long sweetening :"
meant large portion Of that article, chose it
accordingly. What was his dismay when he
saw their hostess dip her finger deep down in
an earthern jar Of honey that stood near. her.
and then stir it (the fnger) round in the coffee.
His companion, seeing this, preferred I" short
sweetening." Upon which the woman picked
up large lump of maple sugar that lay in a
brown paper on the floor beside her, and Bit
ing off piece, put it into his cup. Both the
gentlemen dispensed with coffee that evening.
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

EDUCATION Tutors should treat their pu-
pills with regard to such of their faulty habits
as cannot be easily eradicated, as prudent
physicians do their patients in chronical cases;
rather with gentle palliatives than harsh ex-
tirpatives, which, by means Of the resistance
given to them by the habit, may create such
ferments as may utterly defeat their intention.
Neither learned nor fine education is of
any other value than as it tends to improve
the morals Of men, and to make them wise
and good.
A generous mind will choose to win youth
to its duty by mildness and good usage, rather
than by severity.
The Almighty by rewards and punishments,
makes it our interest, as well as our duty, to
obey Him and can we propose ourselves, for
the government Of our children, better ex-
amplel
Eastern times. [volume] (Bath, Me.) 1846-1857, 1853-06-30

STOPPING AT DRAwBRIDGEs.-The New
Haven Journal says, the New York road is
now trying this experiment, but we are in
formed it is unsatisfactory to passengers, and
general desire is expressed that flag men
shall be placed at bridges and dangerous points,
instead Of delaying the train" Ho 'a7g iai'i