The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1853-06-30
SOLOMON SWALLOW.
The Woman Tanner.
"Rule a wife and have a Wife,

: mace up bis nina to one thing, that h(
!, was the only man living who had acquired
any knowledge of the art of taking care
of wife.
" All the married men are dolts," was
Solomon's constant conversation. "Thert
, for instance, is my neighbor, Tom Tangi
bic; his wife makes sort of three.legged
stool of him; she moves in one corner
and then in another, and sits on him and
walks on him as if he was nobody in the
house, while he, poor man, takes it as ca
sy as though it was the most natural
thing in the world, Now that l were on
ly Tom Tangible. I'd first write series
of matrimonial articles, and if Mrs. T.
didn't abide by them, I'd submit her to
the wholesome discipline of bread and
water and paddock; one might, perhaps,
brighten her ideas touching her conjugal
duties, by the application of good cow
hide, And there, again, are Evert Easy,
Dick Snooks, and host more of them
in the same condition, but I'm the boy
that will set them all right, if they only
follow my example after l have conde-
scended to endow some fortunate female
with the legal claim to the title of Mrs.
Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow.
"Well, Solomon, said aneighborto him
one morning, "as you are always boast
ing of your skill in managing wife, how
comes it that you are not married."
/ "Why, because have not perfected my
system. You poked your head into the
moose withoutmaking any preparation, and
hence, Mrs. Everly makes what she like of
you. But go to work logically, l begin by
studying the erudite works of Zingenba-
20, 'On the philosophy of woman's hold
ing her tongue | then read several
treatises on the effect of bread and wa
ter discipline in making good wives.'-
Shakspeare's Tanning the Shrew' furn-
nished me few excellent practical les
sons. And 1 am now generalizing all
the systems into one, which shall carry
the sway in all future generations, and
convert the plague of matrimony into a
blessing. In the course Of year or so,
added Solomon, "my Rules for the Reg
ulation Of Woman (I intend to publish
it, Will be completed, and then l shall
take me wife
And Solomon was as good as his word,
for, at the age Of thirty-ive, finding him
self prepared to give battle to any woman
in or out of the land of Amazons, he got
married. At this important period Sol
omon was as puffy, comforta ble- looking
little fellow as you'd meet in days
walk, for, albiet, the crown of his head
never stood full FIVE feet from the heels
of his boots, he was of proportions that
would have done honor to any alderman,
or even Lord Mayor and bis gait, es-
peeially when walking with anything in
the likeness Of woman, was aspompuos as
Sultan's, while at such times his coun-
tenance always assumed an expression
that could not have brooked the approach
of female familiarity. The Lady whom
Solomon had chosen for his "worser half, :"
was apparently lamb-like creature, so
that the chances were very fair that she
would not only be tractable wife, but
that Solomon would require no help from
his system to make her so.
Now Solomon had the forbearance not
to interfere with his ladys sayings and
doings on the night of the wedding, nor
is it recorded that he assumed special au-
thori:y on the ight either; but about six
o'clock the next morning, he softly insin-
ated to his sleeping partner that it was
time to get up.
"And,' he added, "when breakfast is
ready you may call me, but be sure not
to burn the toast"
breakfast and toast, said Mrs. Swal-
low, "why, what do you meant"
"Why, my dear-I mean, madam, that
| have begun nay system"
"And won't you get up too 7"
Yes, when breakfast is ready and my
stockings aired {"
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply, but
she checked herself, as she was ashamed
to say much to him on so short an ac-
qaintance; but though in the present in
stance she did precisely as she was bid,
she resolved In her heart that it was the
last time she would get up at six o'clock
in the morning to prepare breakfast.
At eight o'clock, everything being rea-
dy Mrs. Swallow called Mr. Swallow.
Breakfast is ready, Mr.. Swallow"
"Is the toast made I"
| dyes"
"Not burnedY"
"No."
Are my stockings aired!"
"Yes.n
! "Youll do" quoth Mr.. Swallow, and
to breakfast he went, having received the
services of the blushing Mrs Swallow to
assist him in dressing.
The breakfast, however, did not turn
out to be the thing it had been cracked up
for. The toast was done little too much,
and the tea wasn't done quite enough; the
slop-bowl was at the wrong end of the
tray, and there were several crumbs on
tho carpet.
"The servant hasn't been here this
morning" observed Mrs Swallow.