Southern standard. [volume] (Columbus, Miss.) 1851-1856, 1853-04-02

wondrous sounds, continually pour forth in one
uninterrupted stream from this vast gulf of vocal
articulation and GASEOUS detonations The cheeks
are highly aorid and deeply furrowed--no doubt
they were once roughly rounded-but now, at the
aoe of fifty, more or less, awfully shrunken and
cadaverous, and resemble two wormeaten punk
knots on opposite sides of dead sapling The
eye brows are studded with long brstling red hairs,
seeming dangerous and unyclding to the con-
tact of flesh and blood, as are the coral reefs of
Florida to the bottoms of tempesttossed vessels in
the Gulf of Mexico. The hair of his head is very
remarkable, both in its color and t6xture--a sort
of sunburnt carroty red, and intricately matted
together, as if it were done up with liberal APP
plication of yellow turpentine soap and furnginous
sand.
President Heard is laboriously engaged in a
mission of love and liberal benefaction TO frai
fallen and downtrod humanity. Besides the vast
benefit which he is continually confering upon the
world, by the initiation Of MEMBERS and the gem
eral supervision and enlargement of the great
Universal l. O. u. U. U. r. A. r. Society;
he studiously devotes himself, hero like, to two
distinguished and highly useful professions. By
one OF which he spreads sickness and death wher-
ever he goes and by the other, he drives away
all pains, aches and ailments which flesh is heir
to, and re-establishes rosy-cheek health, rising
hopes, and universal happiness AS Rat-killer
General throughout the world, he stands unrival-
led and inaccessible. Sampson Goah and Her
cules Stayed, respectively their tens of thousands;
but Grand High Priest Ugly, has slain his millions
of rats, and other vermin Tooth ache, ear-ache,
scaldhead, soreeyes, gout, pains in the face, and
especially such as arise from uginess--and indeed
all manner OF disease, not more than skin deep,
vanish under his magical look and touch, like evil
ghosts in the dead of night at the whistle of the
locomotive Wonderful man Fortunate world
When shall we behold his lovely countenance--
when witness his matchless skill
On board the Sallie Carson, we were privately
informed by General Doctor High Priest Heard
that the Order, of which he is the distinguished
head and fondest hope, is as old as mans terrene
existence and that initiation into its mysteries
ceedingly rich, rare and racy-iucy, spicy and
Jolly ell-tasted, high favored and tremendous
ly tlattering The ladies are permitted to joir
the Order upon one condition only, namel y--tha
they to speak of good looks or bad looks
after initiation.
P. S.--Since writing the foregoing, we have beer
: informed, that the Grand High Priest of the Ugly
: Order has arrived in town; and with some little
trepidation, we respectfully request, Mr.. Editor
that, if he any of his friends should call on yor
and demand the name of the author, you will no
give up, except with the distinct understanding
that the matter shall be settled by an appeal to the
code of honor recognised among true Irish gentle
men, and upon terms and in personal conditions o
perfect equality: Being the challenged party, VIZ
shall insist on ehveloping ourself in suit of thick
; well dried rawhide, including a mask of similar
: material, made of the covering of the face anc
head, except the horns, of the living animal
The weapons to be shaly on our side, and thu
official staff, having on it an engraving of tn,
features of the original High Priest of the Ugl,
Order, and now in the possession of the subjec
! ! of the foregoing remarks. Thus equipped, if
good look at exterior should not satisfy the of
Tended party, that we are his equal, in every par
ticular; why, then, full explanation of any par
of our language, considered decidedly personal
will be cheerfully made and, if seriously required
: to do SO, the whole article shall be remoddled O
: entirely withdrawn To be followed by mutua
expression of good feelings, and cordial and Wig
J. erous shake of hands by the friendly parties
: TRISTRAM SHANDY.