Southern standard. [volume] (Columbus, Miss.) 1851-1856, 1853-04-02
For the Southern Standard
Hon. A. 4. Heard, the Grand High Priest of the
LO.U.U.U.R. A. r. Universal Ugly Society.
Columbus, Mi.

The gentleman whose name heads this article,
is very remarkable specimen of the genus homo.
He claims Georgia as the place of his nativity
which is in perfect character,-says that he has
travelled throughout the United States, Europe
and ASIA and, fortunately for the people in the
valley of the Tombigby river, and along the cas-
tern border of the State of Mississippi, he made
his grand entire among us few days since, on board
the Sallie Carson from Mobile bound for Aber-
deem. From some cause not yet fully ascertaned,
he did not stop at our city en- PEASANT but it is I'M
derstood, and generally desired, that he will give
call soon, on his return from the up country.
In his personal appearance, as may well be i'm
agined President Ugly is an extremely attractive
object to all who behold him and in conversation,
rehearsal, narration, repartee, dialogue and dodg
ing he is no less wonder ul and captivating And
yet, it would be exceedingly difficult to give any
thing like true portrait of the former, or faith
full description of the latter. However, in Justice
to the distinguished gentleman, for the especial
benefit and edfcation of all lovers of the mar
Ivellous-whether exhibited in extraordinary per-
sonages or in the character of benefactors of our
race-both of which are luckily combined in the
subject of this arcle-we feel it our duty, as it is
also our pleasure, to attempt such sketch as will
enable those who may be SO fortunate as to meet
with him hereafter at TO identify the original.
LII InG SuOIG, anu SAlTeul0ly interesting inter-
view which we had the pleasure of enjoying with
the head of the Ugly Society, on board the Sallie
Carson (having been formally introduced by a
friend of ours he did not, for want of time, we
presume--for he never ceased talking upon nearly
all kinds of subjects-inform us of his particular
line of ancestry; but one could hardly mistake it,
in supposing, that he is lineal descendant of all
the ill-featured people that have ever lived from
Adam down to the day of his birth And in this
conclusion he would, no doubt, exultingly agree,
as it is his PRIDE and chief glory to be considered
the ugliest man alive But whatever may be the
personal history of his ancestors he need not have
any fears in regard to his permanency, in the ele-
waited office which he SO appropriately fills. to the
day of his DEATH
The urbane and accomplished President stands
full six feet in height but the figure is vastly out
Of proportion. The limbs unusually long and
slender, with huge clubs at their extremities more
resembling deformites, than feet and hands. The
body, above and below these seemingly frail sup
ports and pendants, is remarkably fiat and crooked,
and evidently not of sufficient size to carry on a
healthy process of digestion His style of move
ment is equally at fault with unity and smooth
ness being neither a walk, trot or run and
we can call to mind no illustration of it, so apt
and striking, as that of an old overloaded wheel
barrow, the wheel of which plays loosely upon its
axle, and has the gibbous form, like that of the
moon when at the stage between the quarter and
the full Exhibiting as it moves rickety careen,
now on one side, and now on the other,-and ever
and anon between each of these oscillations right
and left, heaving up and sinking down in unison
with the inequalities of its radiation from the CEN
ire But it is the features of his face, that most
| " distinguished the un-Heard- of like President,
above all other in his particular line of sue
cess. The nose, very prominent feature, is ne-
Their aquiline snub-long or short-and yet it is
all of these in combination Ia feshy protuber-
ance, half snout, half probocis stuck in the middle
of his face, and looking very like Bardolph's SINH
lar carbunce organ, which Fastaff said had night
ly illamined his pathway through the dark alleys
of London for twenty years. The eyes partake of
both the saffron and the sombre colors--having a
singular expression, of mingled mildness and mad
ness, leaving those on whom they gaze in doubt.
as to whether they are to be bitten or blessed by
the possessor. The mouth--the browning deyel-
opment of this human face--subLime--s the ne
plus ultra of natures handywork in constructing
vocal organs. 1t is preter-naturallylarg and
seems to be susceptible of expansion to almost any
dimensons;--enclosed by double set of very
thick lps--an outer and an inner palr-and yet,
SO united as to lie together and roll each other
in perfect harmony, alike when closed and open.
As would naturally be supposed from such vocal
organ as this, there is no limit to its youbhty and
continuation Of speech. Slapdash salutary, serlo-
comical discourse, verbose table-talk, barroom
disputation. street exhortation, cheekby owl col
loquy, end, in short terrible torrent OF words and