The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1853-11-10

The last thing see was the striped pants
fading in the distance until the critters
legs looked like two garter snakes. .
Mr.. Hannas, | was so sizzen hot that If
I'd been dipped in the Ohio river d a
taken the chill off the water from Pitts
burg to Paducah; the very railroad sills
smoked where | touched 'em; and my
pulse beat like the tilt-hammer in a roll
ing mill. But the ? o'clock train took
me on, and | found the rest of the Gump
family at the Fenix House. They said
the clerk told them all the rooms was
full, but they could have one long enough
to change in. So they's been changin'
ever since; and Kesiah said she was
bound to change all night but what she'd
keep the room. Relay we've seen all
sorts of sights and hearn all kinds Of
sounds. I'd like to tell you the half,
but, between drinkin' beer, and Congress
water, and Cinonade and Sody water, and
eatin' cakes and cheese and herrin' and
crackers and apples and peaches and
grapes and paw-paws, my heads worse
compusticated than a crazy monkeys, and
my ideas spin round like froth in G lass
of ginger-pop. | took Kesiah round to
the patent, double-acting water ram,
and was going to show her, where, if
you'd turn one spigot the water would fly
out, and if you turn another it wouldn't;
but in the hustle | turned the wrong jig
ger.-I CUES it was some Dutchmans
beer barrell, and | didn't see the mis-
take till the poor girl was nearly drowned
We passed on to the self-adjusting ap-
pie butter biler, and sot down to let the
beer dry; but the feller at the masheen
let the string slip and before We could
Jump back, the wheels threw about half a
barrel of the cussed sass over US. Kesi-
ah said that clapped her climax. |
) know'd nothin' bout her climax, but |
, know'd it kept me from meetiu' with the
committee on beans.
One of the most natural curiosities on
the ground, was the 'calf with two legs. :
They charged a dime to look at the one
under the curtain; but [ thought there
: were enough outside to be seen free.
J, Another interesting thing was the Sub
dued Fizzle-jig.' 1t looked like jar
with hole in one end, and the bottom
knocked out of the other. The inside
was lined with looking-glass. The in
yentor claimed that it was very useful in
persons afflicted with constitutional mean
ness. The patient after an attack, is on
ly required to look in at one end until the
sight of his own countenance makes him
puke out at the other.
The 'Nincompoop Cordial seemed to
attract a great deal of attention. 1t was
intended for persons afflicted with the
simples and weakness or stiffness on the
top of the head, The agent had numer-
Gus certificates showing that persons bad
ly added could pass for sensible at least
: ten minutes after each dose. One weak
brother had overloaded his stomach, and
imagined himself new machine for run
ming the thing into the ground 1t
took two to hold him: The 'Nincompoop
Cordial took the premium-a pair OF
leather specs, warranted not to cut in
!! the eye
While was scraping off the apple-sass,
it was discovered that one of the premium
rolls of butter had disappeared; and some
t knowing looking individual ventured the
7 opinion that it had been taken out by the
: m an who had boen round offering to 're-
> move grease spotsr A member of the
: swell head club promptly handed the fell
: low a bright button for the informashun
: Jeemcs got down on what looked like
g little box, to eat bite; but it was some
1 new contraption of a blasted bee hive
E, The child had jist kiyered the opening,
7 and Sary had to slash round right lively
3 to knock the bees off As it Is, his coat
tails are all stuck together and the child
looks like fright.
The stocks and cattle and other agri
cultural implements is very lively. One
!. horse, said to be as gentle as ram
kicked my new hat clear across the ring
; while I was feeling his windygalls. And
| seed another animal they called the
Sbeep-o- ass a -musS-an on-natural curl
T osity on four legs. Some times 1t makes
strange noise, and at other times IT
didn't. His owner said he had him SIX
teen years, and expected to have him six
. teen years longer if he didn't die. tic
was half sheep, half ass, and half asleep
But the band is playing Hail Colum-
bus and I'm too excited to write any
> more. There's a fellow here making
money selling bugs. He says they are in
, dispensible in every family, and serve tc
: keep up a healthy cirkelation and ex
cite the nervous system. Some men have
got rich just by one of these bugs. Mr.
Barnum, he says, is one of 'em; but
don't know him. lie says the man thai
invented 'Radaways Ready Relief and
the 'All Healin' apple Sass each had
] one of em. They hum little tune cal
led-'The fools is not all dead yet Ey-
cry body's buying one. He calls EN-
: h~nbugs.
But here's the omnibus for the FenlS
House, and l must stop. Yours truly.
PHILANDER GUMP,