The Sumter banner. [volume] (Sumterville, S.C.) 1846-1855, 1853-05-10
MIS- SCELLANEOUS
5olomon Swallow the Woman Tanner.
.:Rulc a wife and have q wife"


less, he had made up his mind to one
thing, that he was the only man living
who had acquired any knowledge of
the art of taking care of q wife
All the married men are dolts,
was Solomon's constant asservation.
There, for instance, is my neighbor,
Tom Tangible; his wife makes sort
of three-legged stool of him: she
moves in one corner, and then in an.
other, and sits on him and walks on
him as if he was nobody in the house,
: while he, poor man, takes it as easy
as though it was the most natural
thing,in the world. Now that | were
only Tom Tangible, I'd first write q
+. series of matrimonial articles, and if
Mrs. 7. didn't abide by them, I'd sub
NIT her to the wholesome discipline of
bread and water and paddock; and
might, perhaps, brighten her ideas
touching her conjugal duties; by the
application of a good cowhide. And
there, again, are Evert Easy, Dick
Snooks, and host more of them in
the same condition; but lin the
boy that will set them all right, if they
only follow my example after have
condescended to endoW sulne FORUM
ate female with the legal claim to the
title Of Mrs. Swallow
Brave Solomon Swallow!
'Well, Solomon said q neighbor to
him one morning, 'as you are always
Boosting of your skill in managing q
wife, how comes it that you are not
married2'
why, because have not perfected
my systeml You pokcd your head
into the moose without making any
preparation, and hence Mrs. Everly
makes what she likes Of you. But |
so to work logically. Ibegin by stu.
dying the erudte works of Zingrubaze
st0n the philosophy of womun:s hold,
ing her tongue then read several
treatises on The effect Of bread and
water discipline in making good wives
Shakspeare's Tamil g Shrew' filrn-
ishcd me few excellent practical les
sons. And am now generalizing all
the systems into one, which shall clr-
ry the sway in all future generations,
and convert the plague Of mat imony
into blessing. In the course of u
year or So added Solomon, 'my
Rules for the Regulation of Wo-
man | intend to publish it) will be
completed, and then | shall take me q
wife,
And Solomon was as good as his
word, for at the age of thirty-fve, feel.
ing himself prepared to give battle to
any woman in or out of the land of the
Amazons, he got married. At this
important period Solomon was as puff
fy, comfortablc-looking little fellow
as you'd meet in days walk, for, al-
belt the crown of his head never stood
full five feet from the heels of his
boots, he was of proportions that
would have done honor to an alder
man, or even Lord Mayor; and his
gait, especially when walking with
anything in the likeness of a woman,
was as pompous as Sultan's, while,
at such times, his contenance always
assumed an expression that could not
'haye brooked the approach of female
familiarity. The lady whom Solomon
had chosen for his 'worscr half was
apparently lamb like creature, SO
that the chances were very fair that
2 she would not only be tractable wife,
but that Solomon would require no
help from his system to make her SO.
Now, Solomon had the forbcarance
mot to interfere with his lady's sayings
and deings on the night Of the we'd
ding, nor is it recorded that he assum-
ed special authority on the next night
either; but about six o'clock the next
morning lie softly insinuated to his
sleeping partner that it was time to
get up.
And he added, when breakfast is
ready yon may call me, but be sure
and not burn the toast
Breakfast and toast?' said Mrs.
Swallow, why, what do you rncan?'
why, my dear-l mean, madam,
that have begun my system
And won't you get up, too?'
Yes, when breakfast is ready and
my stockings airod!'
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply,
but she checked herself as she was
ashamed to say much to. him on so
short an acquaintance; but though in
tho present instance she did exactly as
4 she was bid, she resolved in her heart
that it was the last time she would
get UP at six in the morning to prepare
breakfast.
At eight o'clock, everything being
ready, Mrs. S. called Mr.. S.
breakfast is ready, Mr.. S.
Is the toast rnade?'
'Ycs.'
Not barnedl
NO
';.rc my stockings aircd9'
'Ycs.'