Spirit of the age. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1849-1865, 1853-04-27
How to be miserable.

eAIope anu NATE mauklHu d poor 1clloW
bursted a blood vessel, and never got
it till it growed up again, and like to
have died then. That's the fun in laughing ?
Why all the sunshine, moonshine and star
light in this world is mixed up, like physic,
with tempests and Nor'east winds.
Never laugh if You'd be miserable the
world is a briery patch a treacherous affair
after all, filed chuck full with a catch-penny
people that can't be trusted to the spring,
and you might burst your heart with the
swelling "milk of human kindness" before
any body would love you for your WI sake,
without the dimes. Never laugh, come now
don't; it makes you look like a fool. Look
at you now with that hole in your face like a
ripped open pumpkin; eyes shut, allmouth
and ears a la Donkey! Take an example,
there goes a sensible and melancholy man;
there is expression on his solemn face. Why
you can read a pastoral sermon in his very
eyes. We pity 'em and feel bad when they
come in a rod of US they look so sorrowful.
All! you wicked laughing stock, there is no
sympathy about you instead of shaking
your heads with omnibus signs, you're eter-
nally shaking your fat sides and gufawing
for dear life. Don't you remember that there
are scorpions and toads, mao dogs and spi-
ders, lizards and blue bottle flies, "lepers
and all manner of reptiles" as an old hypo-
chondriac soul once said, "let alone painters
and crickets?" And still you laugh! Make
an index of all your trials and tribulations
so as to find them easily if you hav'nt one
in the world, you'll soon fancy you have a hat
full. Study out the science of "Oh's! Abs!
dear mes! Lor' a massy's!" groans-sighs
and lamentations, and when others laugh,
spin 'em out like a broken banjo's whining
song. Wrinkle your face like a frost bitten
pickle-that's it-now you DO look sage and
philosophically interesting!
Despise a fat face it's vulgar and cnun-
try like discard red cheeks if you have 'em
don't laugh, and they'll leave you in a jify,
and you'll look wondrous ~tallow-likc with
india rubber peculiarities. Eat dirt by the
: clod drink vinegar by the quart battle in a
pickle tub steal pins and eatchalk daily by
the "piece," but never laugh lest you be
condemned to live in this miserable world
: three score and ten years and battle againsr
an unfashionably strong constitution. Sleel
, in a dark room until MONDAY, lest the frisk
ing of the lambs on the green make yoU
= smile. Dismiss your dog if he wags his tail
? kill puss if she plays with a straw; senC
z 1880 ooolr 10 I,r,rH n nouy hopoo wifhOuf n ro
commendation, if she smiles throw a brick
y bat at the chambermaid if she giggles i
your wife laughs at the antics of little Tom
don't speak to her in a fortnight and shel
L remember it if your husband has a merr.
y companion with him to dine, go off into a Fl
le of the highstrikes at the dinner table, breal
&c the dishes, spill the soup, and he'll do bette
P next time. Don't talk much in company
* * sit with your eyes fixed on a spot on the foo
Y communing with your thoughts, when yor
= do talk let your voice sound like the wailin,
y of a broken guitar or that of a dying tor
- cat. If ii thunders, dodge every time, a n
Ne rest assured the next clap will shatter you
house to atoms, and dom forget to screal
III at the lightning. If you see a devote
mother playing with her babe, hint in a del
80 cate way about what a heavenly corpse
y would make, and don't forget to tell her of
~ score of babies who have died recently
this way you can stop her folly, and NAL
~ her doctor her child to death with Paregor
:, and universal tears if it happens to sneez
Read over all the accidents by fire and foe
in the public journals, memorise the confes
ions of criminals under the gallows and Il
horrid details of murders and man eating
do this and you'll have dreams enough
keep you busy in translating all next day.
Ut Fancy that you have at least fifty disease
and if you talk at all, let it be about yot
'ys symptoms dish 'em up brown; for "
ex- know everybody is j interested in EN-. If y
he must travel, go into a steamer or on Railro
'cK and assure yourself that you will BIO blow
to the moon before you get half way to 20
.lv- journeys end. When you bid your frien
ur- adieu, be sure and tell them that you have
'ev- presentiment that some of them will die
.ty. fore you get back it will afford them 70
IN for reflection.
By paying strict attention to these few a
simple rules, you will be perfectly misera1
MY yourself and render those around you aim
all equally SO. Morethan that, you will go do
to the grave a poor withered up wretch, a
by respected about as much by your fellowm
,ces as a fat hoo rasnects vour countar mart
cess rotten applet
- >->~-
CORNERS,
Have always been desirable to every
tate since the play of "poor pussy wants a
Ugh, ner,' came into vogue. Has ANYBODY for,
H.