New Orleans daily crescent. [volume] ([New Orleans, La.]) 1851-1866, 1853-04-18
SOLOMON SWALLOW. THE WOMAN TAxER

And wished. when thought on that Uld Maple Tree;
That were as good and rs useful as he.
SOLOMON SWALLOW. THE WOMAN TANER.
aRuls wife and have wifsn
Solomon Swallow was bachelor, and rusty |
one, too but, nevertheless, he had made up his |
mind to one thing, that he was the only man
living who had acquired any knowledge Of the
art Of taking care of wife.
All the married men are do!ts.'' was Solo
mons constant observation There, for in
stance is my neighbor, Tom Tangible his wife
makes sort of three logged stool Of him she
moves in one corner, and then in another, and
sits on him and walks on him as if he was no.
body in the house, while he, poor man, takes it
| as easy as though it was the most natural thing
in the world. Now that l were only Tom Tan
gible, I'd first write series of matrimonial ar
ticles, and if Mrs I. didn't abide by them, I'd
submit her to the wholesome discipline of bread
and water and paddock; and might, perhaps,
brighten her ideas, touching her conjugal du-
ties, by the application of good eowhide. And
there, again, are Evert Easy, Dick Snooks, and
host more of them in the same condition, but
I-Pm the boy that will set them all right, if
they only follow my example after have con-
descended to endow some fortunate female with
the legal claim to the title Of Mrs. Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow!
"Well, Solomon said neighbor to him one
morning, cas- you are always boasting of your
skill in managing wife. how comes it that you
are not married."
"Why, because have not perfected my sys-
tenn You poked your head into the moose withs'
out making any preparation, and hence, Mrs.
Everly makes what she likes of you. But go
to work logically. l begin by studying the
erudite works Of Zingrubazo, On the philoso-
ply Of woman's holding her tongue l then
| read several treatises on the effect of bread
and water discipline in making good wives
Shakspeare's Tanning Shrew' furnished me
a few excellent practical lessons. And am
now generalizing all the systems into one, which
shall carry the sway in all future generations,
and convert the plague Of matrimony into a
blessing. In the course of year or so,'' added
Solomon, "my Rules for the Regulation of {
Woman q intend to publish it) will be com
: pleted, and then shall take me wife"
And Solomon was as good as his word, for, a
the age of thirty five, feeling himself prepares
to give battle to any woman in or out OF tn
, land of the Amazons, he got married. At thi
! important period, Solomon was as puffy, com
forta BILE looking little fellow as you'd meet il
a days walk, for, albeit the crown of his head
never stood full five feet from the heels of his
boots, he was of proportions that would have
done honor to an alderman, or even Lord
Mayor and his gait, especially when walking
with anything in the likeness of a woman, was
as pompous as Sultan's, while, at such times,
his countenance always assumed an expression
that could not have brooked the approach of fe-
male familiarity. The lady whom solomon had
chosen for his "worser half" was apparently a
lamb like creature, SO that the chances wert
very fair that she would not only be a tractabl,
wife, but that Solomon would require no hell
from his system to make her So
Now Solomon had the forbearance not to in
, terfere with his lady's sayings anddoings on tn
! night of the wedding, nor is it recorded that h
, assumed special authority on the next nigh
either but about six o'clock the next morning
he softly insinuated to his sleeping partner tina
! it was time to get up.
"And," he added, )" when breakfast is ready
you may call me, but be sure and not burn tn
toast
&c Breakfast and toast p said Mrs. Swallow
, "why, what do you meanF'
"Why, my dear--I mean, madam, that hav
3 begun my system"
, "And won't you get up, too y :
"Yes, when breakfast is ready and my stock
! ings airedP'
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply, but sh
checked herself as she was ashamed to say mucl
to him on so short an acquaintance; but thougl
8 in the present instance she did precisely as sh
n was bid, she resolved in her heart that it wa
the last time she would get up at six in tn
a morning to prepare breakfast
At eight o'clock, everything being ready, Mr..
| L.
n breakfast is ready, Mr.. Swallow"
' is the toast made !"
q eyes,
i "Not burned?' ~
!. !. emo"
! 'Are my stockings aired'"
1, eyes"
n "You'll do" quoth Mr. Swallow, and I
= = breakfast he went, having received the service
a of the blushing Mrs. Swallow to assist him i
It dressing.
IS The breakfast, however, did not turn out t
: be the thing it had been cracked up for. Th
10 toast was done little too much, and the te
e wasn't done quite enough; the slop-bow was a
{, e the wrong end of the tray, and there were sew
Il eral crumbs on the carpet.
Of "The servant hasn't been here this morn
% ing" observed Mrs. Swallow.
: "Servant!' returned solomon, {" discharg
le ed her yesterday. You don't think can affor
lie to keep servant and a wife too?'
The lady was again posed, and she said nt
= thing, but the day wore to its close before sh
IN could bring herself to the belief that Mr.. Swa
low had actually made use Of the words " sci
% want" and " wife - in the same sentence.
Il The next morning at six o'clock, Mr.. Swa
ct low again informed his wife that it was time
be get up, coupling the remarks with the sugge
H. ton that in future she must save him the tro,
: BILE of reminding her of so necessary duty.
re Mr.. Swallow, however, benefited nothing
" this soft insinuation, for at the moment s.
either was, or pretended to be, fast locked
-. the arms of Morpheus.
~ ", "Don't you hear, Mrs. Swallow !" quoth 8,
= omon.
W But alas! a slight consciousness was the or
:, response from Mrs. Swallow.
u. Now this was a ticklish point with Solomt
ng but he was prepared for it. "What says
he system on his head ,' said he to himss
,ss sss nusingly. at says that lazy wife who l
le abed in the morning may be very properly
I'd, minded of her duty by the judicious applicati
lty Of coercion pin" And this magnificent i'd
m. had scarcely crossed the threshold of his bra'
Of pan, than he inserted the point of huge pin
red the right arm of the sleeper. As might be !
er pected, the intended effect instantly followed
zoo cause, for the astonished Mrs. Swallow spra
from the bed as though she had been thro,
red from it by an earthquake But alas, her agil
ven was too strikingy manifested, for she not OF
all but annihilated poor Solomon in rolling o.