The miners' express. (Dubuque, Iowa) 1849-1854, 1852-01-07
NUMBER Is
A Candidate for Church NJ eIl.bcrslAip.
BY A. JANE, ESQ.


pcaton, had acquired the reputation of being
the greatest liar that ever existed in the state
Oil. Whenever he made his appearance,
therefore, at mnsh r or training, he was sure to
be surrounded by host o! eager listeners. He
greatly cxcrlled the renowned Munchausen,
who simply tnd cx.ravagant stories, and some
times hluudered on the truth. Steve, on the
other hand never told word Of truth, even by
mistake, in all his life, and lied circumstantialy
and in every particular. In shor', it cnme To
him as natural as eating drinking, or rather, as
breathing, for he not only lied t. listeners, but
even when he had no olcr person TO talk IT, he
would tell lies to hinsef, just 10 keep his hand
IN. This, fact was ascertalncd beyond a doubt,
by his denying it in the most solemn manaer,
when somebody accused him of the prac-
tice.
was Mr.. Steven $ misfortune, one time, to
lose a good deal of money on n horse race
This made him feel uncommonly serious, 50 he
went to a camp-meeting, which was held about
five miles from his residence, 10 see if he
couldn't make up little, by ''shoking props
with the boys. They happened, however, to be
rather to much for him, that time and he was
completely c!raned out. This made our friend
feel, if possible, more serious than ever, and as
there happened to be powerful preacher there,
who could make himself heard at the distance
of mile. he thought he would turn over new
leaf at once When he got home, therefore,
the first thing he did, was to send for the min
ister The worthy man came, and, to his ex-
treme amazemen,, he found that Stevens wanted
to Join the church.
III have no hesitation in lying your Proposition
before the brethren" said the good old man,
trying to smother laugh.
sOf course you hain't,' responded Steve, with
great confidence.
And if you could give satisfactory evidence
of amendment, Mr.. Stevens, continued the min.
ister, emphasizing the word-',hcy might take
you on PREDICTION. At any rate, have a
meeting to night, and | can let you know to-
morrow.
Probation be d-doegcd' calculated Steve,
as the minister hastily retreated. 'Why can't
they let me ne at once, while feel like it 7
Theprop positlon, as might have been expect
ed created real sensation. There was hard
" member of the church, male or female,
who had not, at sometime or other, been victim
lied by Stevens slanderous tongue, and they
could hardly bear his name with patience -
Some of them went so far as 10 say that If he
Joined, they would leave, and That settled the
matter, for they were among The 'forc-h1nded
members, who could afford to speak out
because the church coud'n affDrd to lose
them
However, TO avoid any trouble with an un-
scrupulous fellow ike Steve, it was resolved 10
break the matter to him gently possible.
Two Of the most respectable men in the church,
were appointed to call ON him, and it was gem
erally understood such was their known mild
ness Of disposition, that every possible excuse
consistent with truth, would be made for not
receiving him.
The rest of the story must be told in Stevc's
own words
sWhen old Deacon Peabody came along, I
sot in the back door whittlin' hoe handle, and
hope to suffer if wasn't mad enutf to rare
right up. A cousin of my wites, whose sister
was member, had come over arly and told us
all about it.
uGood mornin, Mr.. Stevens says the
old hvpocrite, with face as long as yard Of
pump water.
said nothin' but kept on whittln
81 came down to see you, this niornin,
says he.
"Wal,' SAYS I, show do you ike nv looks ?
.Oh,' says he, what ! mean is that come
down to labor with you.
aWork away then, why don't you'' was all
he got out ONE.
s.But, Mr. Stevens, said he, very soleunly,
sthe church sent me down, here to taik with
you minute
"Wal, vou've bin talkin' for MORN five
minutes, Deacon Peabody says |, 'and you We
said nothin, yet; now when are you gong, 10
Begin
sThe old [s-a,li,e looked mad cnuff to bite
nv head off, at snap, but he thought it best
to keep COOL 50 he drew long breath and wen,
on:
"Nobody wants to hurt your fcelins or make
any trouble, Mr. Stevens but the church have
about come to the conclusions that perhaps, on
the whole under the circumstances, and IN
view Of everything, it might possibly be best
all round, and taking all things into consIdera-
ton. for Won not to be Iasty in appyin, jist a,
present They think on matoor reflection th1f
it might be as we'll if you'd conclude to post
pcne it little while, say for year or eighteen
months
"Thcv den9 Wal, now, Deacon. what
makes 'em think SO. The church ain ttmf is
Ii'?
This was hard question. The old sarpin'
knew very we'll that it wouldn't answer to say
he didn't know-for he knew fast enough-and
knew that knew he did So says he.
"Mr. Stevens, lam sorry you re so ried
| about it-you've no occasion. ! did mt come u
off md you, but you knew as well as | do why
the church don't accept you
"If knew, | wouldn't ask you to tell me
Deacon Peabody
| "Wen, says he, don't you know what iarg'
stores YOU re in the habit OF tellin.
i "Who says tell large stories:' says sit
an untruth, and YOU can't prorc 1t amt. Now
amt It shame, Deacon, for man like you t.
go round scandalizin aneghbor that way: VIVA
story of mine did you ever hear that WASH
true9 Come lay your finger on the first story
and | won't say another word.
Why there's many on en-, answered
the Deacon, sthat it's most impossible TO spP
cifv any one in pertickler. But now l thin
ont: don't YOU remember that story yo'
told about your fathers bcin killed by bear
..Mv fathers bein killed by a bear!' says
sthere it is, now Tha.'s iist the way folks IL
about me. It's untruth, like the rest ol
'em, and you ought to be ashamed, Deacon Pea
body, to be runnin' round town telln thing
that amt so
ssWelI, said he, pretty short, you've NAL
that are observation about often enough; If yo'
didn't say your father was killed by bear, wha
was it You did say
"Ill tell YOU ; | said that father was one of tn
first men to bring sheep into this town and that
RI no story, is it Z
4" No said he, 'it aint.'
uAnd said that one day he lost one of then
',re sleen in the wood and that's EEety If
amt true-and when he was looking for 1t,
, said he came across bear. The bear growle
:, a, dad, and dad he hollered at the bear, an
fn,lly the beast came at MIN, anu 'oTc All W
ms des ont, and then your father, Deacon PEI
body-who was respectable man, sir, an
never would gone about town scandalizin, n
neirhb ors-yoIr father heard my father h"iie
and came w, and seen how matters stood ana "a
for the doctor When the doctor ca"'' ','
FIRST thing he did was to catch s',eep I"o ,
), it's ;rsidrs ont, and put them in the pace ,
e d,d's and never said dad was klilfa ny ui1
I baari No sir! I told the naked truth sal
Q ~ rev rs well as ever, except that he hGnhe'
nJ Gfer han all the 'ointcr, Gnd had aooot enong
, yyo,s to mike HIM an 0rcrc0at IN the spring :
You don't call hot large story. hope. liyc
wont let fellow jne the church becaus
he tells the truth, you won'tfnd many decor
n members, guess !? :,
J. The old man r:z right straight up, and wall
e ed away, without sayin' word. What
thouoht | never could find out, Tor the old chri
e tan hasn't opened his head to me since. "a
e pet Bag. ------
y y couvrRcE OF THE WESTERN RIvERs,-N
coo hv memorial to Congress III favor Of r
> movino the obstructions in the wastern, river
) that the amount of commerce floated on u
e western rivers during the last year is estimate
IT S22O. 900 600; it is greater than the aniod
f tho total exports of the nation