The Literary echo, and Pawcatuck advertiser. [volume] (Westerly, R.I.) 1851-1854, 1852-03-11
Mrs. Jones' SOIiIOquy.
BY FANNY FERN.


He never finds a spare minute to adore me
because he is all the time adoring himself.
1 never could see the necessity of beauty in
man. Now woman might just as we'll
cut her throat and done with it, if she isn't
pretty; but if a man has fine, well-made
figure, and is gentleman in his manners,
THUS enough, provided he neither squints,
nor smokes, nor swears, and knows enough
to hold an umbrella over lady's bonnet
without giving her all the drippings. Cal
rare masculine accomplishment
"Now, my husband, Sam Jones, has
beauty enough for dozen men, and what's
more, lie kn01cs 1t. He spends one-half his
time at the glass, and the other half in
making eyes at the women. Couldn't be
the death of him If we 90 out to walk
every body says what handsome fellow
How came he to marry such dowdy little
wife, (Ihat's pleasant y l haven't al
closet in the house that isn't numbered up
with his superAuous rattletraps. Checked,
striped and plaid pants, double and single
breasted vests, of every color and shape ;I
boots and pumps without limit smoking
caps, dressing gowns, revolving shirts, with
dckies plaid on one side, white on the
other, made for dress or travelling, with
accommodating bosoms to suit all emergen.
cies; eau de Cologne, jockey club, Macas-
sar oil, curling tongs, scented shaving soap,
whiskcr dye, and score more fooleries
than l have time or patience to mention.
Pm nerer sure what that man is about
1t takes me all my time to look after him,
and then 1 get awfully humbuged and
that puts me in mind to inquire privately
about that new club he has joined.
Don't believe a word of it! Clubs don't
meet erery might in the week, Samivel!
"Next to clubs, hate asidoaos. They
are the very -! Pve heard the hea-
then called 'benighted;' they've sense
enough to burn up the widows when their
husbands die-and that's step farther in
civilization than we've taken. There's
nothing like 'em. If they make up their
minds to marry man, IT'S done. I know
one that was terribly afraid of thunder and
and every time storm came up,
she would run into Mr.. Smiths house, Che
was widower,) and clasp her little hands,
and fly round till the man was half dis
tracted for fear she aoOuld get killed and
the consequence was, she was Mrs. John
Smith before three thunder storms had
ratified over her dead. Wasn't that diplo-
matte?
"Then there's that little blue-eyed Wild
ow Wilkins. Didn't she drop her prayer
book coming out of church for my hand
some husband to pick up? And didn't
| see him squeeze her hand when he hand
ed it back to herr And when I told him
a long rigmarole of a story, going home, to
divert his mind from the little mink, didn't I
he answer, yes,' and no. at random, and ;
laug h in the wrong place And didl It he
the next morning put salt in his coffee, and
sugar on his beefsteak? ? And won't she
be Mrs. Samirel Jones, No. 3? Answer
me that! 1 should like to cut her up in
inch pieces with dull jack-knife.
"But it's no use to struggle against fate.
I shall have to put my pride in my pocket
and tell Samivel it is my request that he
should marry her when I am gone, and
that will pull wool' over peoples eyes
and save his credit, for he'll have her if an
earthquake should be the consequence.
"It's astonishing widows wiA be so in
delicate as to doff their weeds. It's moth
ing more nor less than walking advertise
ment for an other husband. Mrs. Lee
was spending short time at the sea-shore,
in her new regimentals, when one of the
ladies at the tae-table, struck with a
sudden thought, said, very innocently,
BY the way, Mrs. Lee, where IS your
husband' 1 should have been very sorry
to have told where I thought he was, for
the way he used to swear when he talked,
was awful to mention
"Now what glorious example Pd be
to the sex if Providence should see fit to
make me widow! I wonder if Samivel
will pop off? I should hate to put my
curls behind my ears, but I'd do it, and
| wouldn't so much as look at a man, un-
less it was Tom King. Wonder if he'd
marry me Well there now l haze
smoke in meetino II oon,t bo bo1nod