Martinsburg gazette. [volume] (Martinsburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1833-1855, 1852-04-28
oYsTER RS.

U
'1ft the man who oysters cries,
Cry not when his father dies,
IT'S proof that he would rather
Have an oyster than his father"
And what if be would
My friends, hast thou well considered the
matter, critically weighed an irreproachable
oyster against parental dogmatism? Or
art thou, haply, denizen of some island re-
gion, as of some neither world, whereunto a
visible oyster hath never penetrated Ifso,
thou mayest admire my impiety, while ]. be-
ing full Of oysters, would pity. not scorn. thine
ignorance. Abide in thy bigotry, nor ever
stray to the sea- board; for this food is sweeter
than the lotus Of Homer, and he that eateth
thereof shall straightway forget his kin and
bis Western home.
Oysters!
Sweets. which he who sings them knows -
Sole pure and undefiled creature, in a world
corrupted and and accursed. Oysters thou
art ever good. LiketLe sunbeam thou may
est pass through every change thy glory is
the same. The culinary fame may modify
nothing can improve thee The condiments
Of every cline may humbly minister to thee.
may diversity thy flavor; but after all, to my
devoted heart. thou art like beauty, adorned
the most when unadorned" Thou art thy
only parallel. Salsifa is but melancholy
souvenir Of oyster there is no substitute
Other poets may praise their beds Of acan
thus, of roses, or of down; as for me. if l
'Knew myself to build the lofty rhyme
my theme should be beds of oysters! Let
garlands of Kali, Aphroditc the Ocean queen s
laurel, crown his brow, who Tilted the fresh
water maids of Helicon, and sang to the Ne
reids of the deep the "Loves of Oysters -
an everlasting chorus to their epithalamium
Doubt not, ye corseted and whalebone tor
tured damsels, if the oyster in his pea.ly pal
ace can love; for he is nearly all heart
Doubt not, ye who pride yourselves in the an
tiquity of your blood, whether he ought to
share your donors; for consider, that though
you could trace your ancestry back to Adam,
yet the first oyster was created before the
first man.
Good reader, challenge thy experience, il
the deglutition of this exquisite creature doth
not awaken within thee all the goodness and
meekness and sweetness Of thy nature---or
of his? And is not that moral meat which
hath such power with lapsed bumanity? Is
it not angels food? What more could the
gods themselves desire unless it be sort Of
patent self. opening oyster. warranted to keep
in any climate? can refuse no man money
or service, when feel the grace of the oys-
ter within me be cooleth my cboler, he dis
solveth my pride, he disremembereth me Of
my misfortunes he maketh my face to shine,
he whispereth to my soul like the friendliest
of friends.
am naturally lover of all womankind,
nay, | adore them but---dost thou in
qu;re "but ,rhat?"
Think Of it, reader! l suggest no CON-
mon oysters. adduce the large. semilucent
oyster of York River or the sweet striated
Pongoteaguo. Behold him in his shell Of
dazzling pearl, beautiful and tender and in
nocent as sleeping angel, and dost thou
catch that Grant odor, so subtle. yet so d.
vine +? Yes, reader, | love the women. but
say, entce nous, don't you think the oyster
is somephat--if it be ever so little?
But the sex is in arms and shall see
thee, o oyster ann;hiated? Say, then,
Wboe W seSt Woo SNci q tctuaRdub-6 suaHu
"a shrew? Did oysters ever eat the for
hidden fruit? Did they fire Troy? The
thing is obvious. Let women rejoice in the
prcrogative of SERVING the friend off man, and
man her friend.
"But have they souls 2"
Reader, know not; neither dost thou /:
nevertheless, shall hold my own opinion
without controversy. If they have, those
souls either leave them, when they descend
into the dark tomb of our stomacbs, or else
they are absorbed into our own SPIRITS
Take their figbt2 They need no 'pax vo-
biscum" from such as me : envy their
apotheosis. Do they take the other horn of
the dilemma? Happy mortal that ! am, to
have imbibed so many myriads of such sinless
souls.