Green-Mountain freeman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1844-1884, 1852-01-15
Ladies' Arithmetic.
BY CONFIRMED BACHELOR.

Ladies have quite a different system of
calculation to what men have. Look at
the peculiar way in which they calculate
ag,s. Why they are quite an age behind
the present generation-at least, the gene
ration Of mentor man is, fgurativeIy,
said, as he grows older, to approach into
his second childhood, but a woman does
so literally, inasmuch as she becomes every
year one year younger,-a rejnvenatlng
process, by which, if she lived long enough,
she would ultimately reach the happy peri
cd when she was carried about in long
clothes, and took a tenacious delight, pc
cullar to babies, in pulling gentlemen's
whiskers. In fact, l wonder that, carrying
out this retrograde move Aent. a married
lady, as she advances in years, does not re.
appear on the stage Of life as the ballroom
girl, and throw off the matronly title Of
Mrs, to put on the more lowery salutation
of Miss. 1t would be more consistent with
the representation Of igules-we mean,
%arlthmetical 6gures-though it might be a
little at variance with the appearance of
personal ones.
My belief is tina. the female mind has
no correct sense Of numbers. 1t beiabors
and rolls out figures as cooks do paste, ma.
king them as thick or as thin as it pleases
to fit the object required. have noticed
a Iargeness or Iiberality Of measurement
in most of their calculations, which re.
doun5s greatly, in this calculating age, to
the generosity Of the sex. 1t is quite OPP
posile to the selfmeasurement which they
apply to themselves. Whereas the latter
is distinguished by a narrowness of result
which almost makes US suspect that Sub
traction has been largely at work the
former is crowned with a roundness Of fig
ure which leads us strongly to accuse the
sum total of having been gained by the
corrupt agency Of Addition. In fact,Smy
suspicious are so violent on this head that
| always adopt the following plan when |
am at a loss to know -
Hon. to correctly ascertain the age Of a
Lady.
first ask the lady accused her own age.
| then inquire Of her d" dearest friends" |
next ascertain the difference between the
two accounts, (Which frequently varies from
five years to forty,) and, dividing that DIFF
ference by 2, | add that q%uotlent to the la
dy's representation, and the result is the
lad S age, as near as a lady's age can be
asGertained.
Example Mrs. Wellington Seymour
gives herself out to be just %. Her friends
Mrs. McCabe, Mrs. Alfred Stevens, Mad
anne Cornichon and Miss Jerking, indig-
nanlly declare that they will eat their res.
pective heads off if she is a day younger
than As. Now the disputed account stands
thus -
Years.
Mrs. SIS age, as represented by Ter friends, 46
Mrs. SIS age, as represented by herself, %
Difference between the two accounts, 15
That difference has to be divided by 2,
which, | believe, will give 9. If that is
dded to Mrs. Seymour's own statement,
the result obtained will be the answer re.
quired. Accordingly Mrs. Wellington Sey-
mour's age is 37-a fact which, upon con-
suItiog the family Bible, | find to be per-
lectIy correct-and | only hope Mrs. s.,
viii, some day, forgive me for publishing it.
There are many other eccentricitIes in fe-
male arithmetic, s|ch as increasing two
fold the amount of a gentleman's fortune,
and diminishing h%lly-fold the amount of a
Iady's-and a general proneness, besides,
to magnify figures, leading them, at tim IS,
into strange errors of eXaggeration, which
would debar them from following the pro-
fession Of a penn %-a-Iiner, or writing works
of numerical fidelity, like McCulloch's
Commercial Dictionary. But as | do not
love the female mind particularly for its &C.
centricitIes, but rather for its beauties, |
shall close the door upon this ungallant sub
iect; for, if a woman is good and beauti,
fol, it matters but little how old she is
Punch.