The southern press. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1850-1852, 1852-03-25

| CHAP. l.
| S3louing how Uncle Sam got a flea in his ear
or as some say a bee in has bonnet, and took 1
into his head, he had "a mission" TO right ttt
! ,orongs Of all his neighbors, together soih IN
resi- Of mankind
shall not follow the example of historians
and biographers, who entirely neglect obscure
people the world knows nothing Of, and devote
all their labor ard industry to telling us what
We knew before about great kings and conquer
0rs, whose actions are as notorious as those oil
any highwayman or plckpocket immortazed
in the newspapers As for Uncle Sam, he ID
pretty we'll known already has made some
noise in the world and is likely to make great
deal more, especially if he carries out his mis-
sion. 1t is not, therefore, necessary that
should be particular about his pedigree. All
shall say on the subject is that he was descend
ed from one of the sons Of Noah-tbough, which
is somewhat doubtful--and that he passes for
the son of Big John Bull, though ia truth he
has as many fathers as the old Patriarchs had
children. But having strong family likeness
to John, he il generally supposed to be his son,
and what renders it still more likely, they have
been pickering and quarrelling ever since Uncle
Sam grew up 10 years of discretion. John al
ways calls him rebellious rascal, and Uncle
Sam pays him back with old tyrant, and the
like. This, however, is only behind each others
backs, for whenever they meet on occasions OF
ceremony, nothing can equal their civil speech
%, and you would swear they were the best
friends in the world.
However, | shall pass over these matters, and
come to the time when Uncle Sam got flea
in his ear, by listening to the wicked tempta-
tons of wandering lecturer, who at length
persuaded him that he had a mission to become
the redresser of all the wrongs of his fellow
creatures, no matter how far off they were, and
that the more distant the greater the obligation
to interfere in their behalf Uncle Sam being a
great landholder, and immensely rich in paper
money, had, of course, vast many friends and
connsellors about him, ready to give their ad-
vice. provided they were well paid for it. Ac-
cording to his custom, he called them together,
and consulted them about his mission. One of
these rogues who pretended to be above all
law, except his own conscience, assured Uncle
Sam there was no doubt as to his mission; that
such an extraordinary unaccountabe fellow as
he, was certainly not brought into the world
merely to take care of himself and family. Any
fool could do that but something more was
required from man that grew 80 fast, he hard
ly knew himself when he got up in the morn
ing, and whose beard sprouted out faster than
Uncle Sam that he had a mission conferred on
him, which made him responsible for the liber-
ties of all mankind, and that if he fought shy on
this occasion he would be dsgraced to all etern-
ity. The eyes of the world were upon him,
and the hopes of all mankind rested on his de-
csion Others of Uncle Sans counsellors and
toad-eaters followed suit,untl the good man be-
came thoroughly infected with the mania Of uni
versal philanthropy--in other words, as mad as
March hare.
Much about this time some difficulties arose
among his "neighbors," as Uncle Sam called
them, who lived on the other side of great Salt
Lake, hundreds and hundreds ofmiles wide, who
he had never seen, and knew no moro about
than the man in the moon. 1t seems they fell
out about choosing II king or constable, for
get which, and being pretty we'll matched, one
party called in a neighbor to its assistance, and
by that means put its adversaries down. The
higher law man hereupon assured Uncle Sam
that now was the time he was called upon to
fulfil his mission as universal Fighter of universal
wrong, and that he must give them a touch of
universal philanthropy.
Whereupon Uncle Sam pulled up his breeches,
snapt his fingers, and forthwith proceeded II
the fuIhment of his mission. He put on his
old suit of regimenta.s, which he wore as colonel
of militia and which was somewhat moth eaten;
mounted an old cap with U. S. in large letters
in front, which stood for Uncle Sam; equipped
himself with long pole, and placed a pair of
spectaces in his cap, that he might see his enc
mics the better Then he proceeded to the
shore OF the great Salt Lake, and after making
laundering speech, in which he denounced all
intervention in the affairs of other people, and
called all sorts Of people all sorts of hard
names, began to thrash the water with all his
might The higher law man stood by and
patted him on the b;ck ever and anon ex
claiming-"T That's it my hearty feow-there
you put it into the rascas. | think see them
scamperng in all directions like flock of sheep
Take my word for it, we shall have no more in
tervention after this; but if there should be,
have an infallible specific for that"
Uncle Sam returned home highly pleased
with his exploit, and more than ever convinced
of his mission. His head got so mudded with
the affairs of other people, that he forgot
to attend to his own, and parcel of wild In
dams took the opportunity while he was looking
abroad, to steal his horses and cattle, and carry
off some of his family. But Uncle Sam did not
mind this; his attention was taken up with all
the rest of mankind, and he considered the sac
rifce of n few of his dependents as nothing
human race He strutted about like Turkey
cock, hourished his long pole in the air, which
he called shifting the Philistines, and often came
near breaking his own head, in battling with
his invisible enemy. He would certainly have
got into one of Miss Dix's hospitals had it not
suddenly occurred to him that he must have
pretty well done his business, and by this time
his mission was accomplished So he sat down
under the shade of his laarels, laid down his
long pole, and dotted his regimentals.
How long he would have remained quiet, !
cannot say; but it probably would have been
no great while, for when man has once got
flee in his ear, and uses spectaces in his cap
there is little dependence to be placed in him.
But however this may be, it was not long before
the higher law man one day came running out
of breath to tell Uncle Sam that the varlets on
the other side of the great Salt Lake cared no
more for the sound thrashing he had given them,
than the Salt Lake itself. They still continued
their FRANKS, and even had the impudence to
laugh at his mission.
"New, you don't say So" cried Uncle Sam
"but never mind, I'll give them double dose
this time"
~ ,l 20 ~,