Cooper's Clarksburg register. [volume] (Clarksburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1851-1861, 1852-09-15
From tho North Carolina Post.
MRS. JONES, SOLILOQUY.

MRS. JONES' SOLILoQUY.
''Mercy on us what doubled and
twisted fool was TO marry handsome
man. He never finds spare minute to
adorn me, because he is all the time ador-
ming himself. Inever could see the ne
cessity of beauty in a man. For a wo-
man might just as we'll cut her throat and
be done with it, If she isn't pretty; but if
man has fine, well-mNde figure, and
is gentleman in his manners, that
is enough, provided he neither squints, nor
smokes, nor swearS, and knows enough
to hold an umbrella over Il lady's bonnet
without giving her all the drippings. "a
rare masculine accomplishment.
"Now, my husband, Sam Jones, has
beauty enough for dozen of men, and
what's more, he knows it.. He spends
one half his time at the glass, and the
other half in making eyes at the women.
Couldn't be the death of him? If we
go out to walk, everybody says what
handsome fellow How came he to mar
ry such dowdy little wife. (Thafs
pleasantly havn't closet in the house
that isn't numbered up with superluous
rattle-traps. Checked, striped, and plaid
pants, double and single breasted vests
Of every color and shape boots and
pumps without limit ; smoking caps,
dressing gowns, revolving shirts with
dickies plaid on ono side, white on the
other, made for dress or travelling, with
accommodating bosoms TO suit all emer-
gencics Eau dc Cologne, club Macassar
oil, curling tongs, scented shaving soap,
whisker dye, and score more of foolories
that have neither time nor patience to
mention"
elm neVer sure what the mans about !!
it takes me all my time to look after him,
and then get awfully humbugged and
that puts me in mind to inquire (private
ly) about that new club he has joined
Don't believe word of it Clubs don't
meet eVrey nightin the week, SamiUel.
"Next to clubs, hate oOidows. They
are the very -! I've heard the
heathens called 'bcnighted; they've sense
enough to burn up the widows when their
husbands die-aud that's step further
in civilization than we've taken. There's
nq.hing like 'em. If they make up their
minds'to marry man, It's done. know
one that was terribly afraid of thunder
and lightning, and every time q storm
came up, she would run into Mr., Smiths
house, he was widOwer,) and clasp
her little hands and fly around, till the
man was half distracted for fear that she
would get killed and tho consequence
WAS, she was Mrs. join Smith before three
thunder storms passed over her head
Wasn't that diplomatic -?
"Thcn there's that little blue eyed wi
dow wilkins. Didn't she drop her prayer
book coming out of church for my hand
somo husband to pick up! And didn't
see him squeeze her hand when he
handed her back to her, And when /
told him n long rigmarole of q story go
ing home to divert his mind from the lit
tie mink, didn't he answer yes and mo-
at random, and laugh at the wrong place?
And didn't he the next morning put salt
in his coffee, and sugar his beef steak!
"And won't she DO Samivel Jones, No.
3? Answer me that. should like to
cut her up in inch pieces with dull Jack
knife.
'But it's no use to struggle against
fate. shall have to put my pride in my
pocket, and tell Samivel it is my request
that he should marry her when l am
am gone, and that will pull wool over
peoples eyes, and save his credit, for
he'll have her if an earthquake should be
the consequence,
It's astonishing widows will be so in
delicate as to dotf their weeds. It's no.
thing more or less than walking adver
tisement for another husband. Mrs Lee
was spending short time at the sea
shore, in her new regimentals, when one
of the ladies at the tea-table struck with
a sudden thought, said very innocently,
''By the way, Mrs, Lee, where is your
husband . ! should have been very
sorry to have told where l thought he
was, for the way he used to swear when
he talked, was awful to mention.
"Now what a glorious example I'd
be to the sex il Providence should see
fit to make me widow l wonder if
Samivel will pop of ? l should hate to
put my curls behind my ears, but I'd do
it, / wouldn't so much as look at any man,
unless it was Tom King. Wonder if he'd
marry me? Well there now l have
spoke in meeting! 1t can't be helped now,
as Deacon Smith said, when his daugh-
ter surprised him kissing Widow Moor
It's nal'~, Sally, not"r."
FANNY FERN.
HEys Tl,o h,L;.. o,,o ,l,,,s;,,re Qauaral