Washington telegraph., 1852-07-14
Don't Laugh.

A man burst blood vessel once upon an
ordinary cachination, and never got over it
till he got well, and he liked never to got
that even. What's the use of laughing?
There isn't any sunshine nor moonshine
worth speaking of in this world; they're all
mixed up with storms and east winds.
Don't laugh; you know that this is good
for nothing catcl-peny world full of peo-
pie that cannot be trusted, and you may
break your heart before any body'll love
you for nothing but yourself. Don't laugh;
it makes you uninteresting. What does a
man look like with great aperture like a
halfmoon in his face, minus eyes, all mouth
and ears, la donkey. On the contrary,
look at your melancholy people; arnt their
countenances stamped with expression?-
Couldn't you read sermon on their visa
ges! Don't you always pity 'em and feel
sort of sad whenever you're near them?
Well that's sympathy, and you'll never get
It if you laugh, never. You may shake
your head, but don't shake your sides;
and remember constantly that there are
snakes and toads, and lizards and "lepers,
and all sorts Of poisonous reptiles, as an
old lady once significantly said, let alone
Ions and grasshoppers. Try to think of all
your pains and perplexities; if you havnt
got any, that will soon bring them on: al
ways keep on hand an ejaculatory string of
dis! and abs and unuttcrable groans
made utterable-and make insignificant ia
oes awfully significant by frowns and wrin-
lles; that's the way to be interesting.
Nothing is SO vulgar as a round face; ro-
y cheeks are countryfed, and the simplest
way to get rid of them is not to laugh
Eat states by the cord; drink vinegar by
the barrel full, live ina picklc-tub, aud con-
slme chalk by the "piece," but don't laugh
On the penalty of a long life and constitu
ton absurdly strong. Don't get up till
noon; you won't be tempted to laugh after
that time. If the cook smiles, dismiss her;
if the chambermaid giggles cut down her
wages; if your husband has a merry mood,
90 into Mysteries nothing will sober him
quicker. Make no exertion to talk; m du-
late your voice to an exceedingly eight gui-
tar" In thunder Storm believe that eve
ry clap will break on your devoted house,
and scream at every fash of lightning
Whenever you see pretty baby, think
what sweet corpse it would make, and tell
its mother that sickness among infants is
fatal this year; it would be deed of chari-
ty, and prepare hef-to doctor it to death
if it sneezes. Read over the column of ac-
cidents, and go into all the details of horrid
shipwrecks, brutal murders, etc, etc. Fill
your mind with the most terrible images
preparatory to sleep, and you will never
be in want of matter for dreams Recount
for your disappointments at every conve-
nient and inconvenient opportunity, and
never fail to regale your friends with a
dish of symptoms done brown. Never
enter railroad car without the firm convic-
ton that there will be a smash up before
you arrive at your journeys end: never
leave home without feeling certain that
somebody will die before you come back
again, and look upon all your blessings as
thorns in the flesh
BY following these few and simple rules,
you will learn to avoid that particularly
rude and ungenteel ebullition of feeling
which is called laughing, and you will 90
down to your grave like cob upon which
all the corn was withered, it being unfash-
ionable now to wait till the shock is fully
ripened. BOaOn OLire Branch.