Cooper's Clarksburg register. [volume] (Clarksburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1851-1861, 1852-03-31
THE STANDING CANDIDATE.
His Excuse for being n bachelor.

"The only objection ever made to me
in this ere country, as legislator, was
made by the wimin. cause war bach
elor, and never told you afore why re-
manned in the state of number one. No
feller stays single premeditated, and, in
course a hansum feller like me, who all
the gals declsr' to be as cnticin as jay
bird, wasn't going to stay alone if he
could help it, l did see a crcetur once,
named Sofy Mason, up the Cumberland
nigh into Nashville, Tennessee, that tux
an orful hankerin arter, and sot in to
lookin anxious fur matrimony, and l gin
to go reglar to meetin, an tux to dressin
tremenguous finifcd, Just to see if could
win her good opinion. She did git to
lOokin at me, and one day comm from
meetin, she was takin alook at me kind
of shy, just as horse does at Sumthin
he's scarf at, when arter champin at dis
tance fur while l sidled up to her and
blarted out few words about the sar-
min-she says yes. but cuss me eff know
whether that war the right answer or not,
and I'm thinkin sho didn't know then,
nuther. Well, we larfed and talked lee
tie all the way to her daddy's, and thar
give her the best bend had in me, and
raiSin my hat as peert and perlite as a
minister, lookin all the time so enticin
that l sot the gal to tremblin. Her old
daddy had powerful numerous lot of
healthy niggers, and living right adjining
my place, while on t'other side Jake Sim
mons--a sncakin cute varmint, who war
wusser than miser for stinginess, and
no sooner did this cussed sarpint see me
sidlin up to Sofy, than he went to slickin
up too, and sot himself to work to cut me
out That arr wur struggle ckill to the
battle of Orleans. Furst some new fxup
ofJake's would take her eye, and then
I'd sport somethin that would outshine
him, until at last Jake gin in trying to
outdress me. and set to thinkin Of sumthin
else.
"Our farms wer Jest the same number
of acres, and we both owned three mig
gers apiece. Jake knew that SOfy and
chance, so he thort he'd clar me out by
buyin another niger; but / jist follered
suit, andbought one the day after he got
his, so he had no advantage thar; he then
GOT cow, and so did /, and Jest about
then both of our pusseS gin out. This
put Jake to his wits eend, and war won.
derin what in the yearth he would try
next. We stood so, hip and thigh, ful
about two weeks, both on US talkin sweet
to Sofy, whenever We could git her alone
1 thort seed that Jake, the sneakin cuss
WAS gettin a mite ahead Of me. cause his
tongue was so Hey: however, didn't lei
on, but kept a top eye on him. One Sun
day mornin wur q leetle late to meetin
aud when got thar, the fust thing Iseed
war Jake Simmons settin close bang uE
agin Sofy, in the same pew with her dad.
I dy i billed while with wrath. and
then turned sour; could taste myself
Thar they war, a sihgin-hynns out OF the
same book. Je-e-e-e-eminy, fellers, 4
war so enormous mad that the new sill
Handkerchief round my neck lOstits color
Arter mestin was out they walked linked
arms a smilin and lookin as pleased as I
Young couple at thar first christnln, anC
Sofy turned her cold shoulder at me s.
orfal pinted, that wilted down and gil
up right straight-Jake had her, and tha
wer no disputin it. ] headed toward
home, with hands as fur ia my trowser