Sunday dispatch. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1845-1854, 1852-04-11

great weight off my soul, and were at hber-
ty again Now, when l en- nigh leaving life,
my eyes are just opened to its beauty; 0,
what a cheap and common beauty to be
free, and to be not a criminal
For have now also removed the greatest
bar that once stood between me and happi-
ness; that was a fiery temper. | have lost
that now feel that if l should live hun
dred years, they would be hundred years
without anger or revenge.
How wild, how disconnected are my tho'ts.
How talk of hundred years Shall see,
yet half hundred days?
A fiery temper grew up in me from my
birth My boyhood was fierce and uncon-
trolled; my home was not worthy the name !;
| had no home Although parents cared
enough for me to spend money iberally, and
give me an almost unlimited indulgence that
way, yet they did not furnish me what is
most wanted from parents-good example,
good counsel, and true home e-roof l was
boarded, almost from the beginning, away
in the country.
For l had such stormy temper; and ny
mother was nervous, and the servants would
not stand it, And the father, All, he med
died himself with no such things, and die
not even want to be spoke to about them
Was he not at all the expense Gould he
not fairly count that enough Besides, !
was to inherit his property; that must sat
isfy me. It were TOO much to expect that
he should give up his time for my education,
and the shaping of my character Even the
death of my mother, which occurred when l
was half grown boy, made no difference in
his treatment.
Such are what the world calls good pa
rents for they do not beat their children,
nor starve them. They leave them estates
too, and what does child want more than
money
When 1 grew up to be young man, was
rude, boisterous, and ungovernablo. Already
had fallen into many sorapes, from my vii :
lent temper but they were none Of them
hard enough to teach me the great lesson /
needed. My temper was m lde, indeed ra-
ther more unbearable from them; for
emerged victorious after all.
One CLEAN Of sunshine came across my life,
and, for time, subdued me into gentler con-
dition Love tanned me from my roughness.
She was herself being Of peace and calm
ness-she whom loved and her influence
brought into my temperament something Of
the same soothing qualities. She was Of
Quaker family and perhaps it was that the
very tameness to which she had been accus-
toned gave my free and independent manner
the charm of freshness, to her taste.
For my affection was returned, truly and
| faithfully She did not chance to see the
worse phases of my character. Her very
presence was soothing and pacifying. For
never did 1 dissemble. I acted always as
felt; and had the occasion provoked, not
even the knowledge Of what an ungracious
look it would possess in her eyes, could have
| kept down my rebellious temper.
My father had an attack Of illness at this
time which, in the course of a few weeks,
was pronounced hopeless / did not mourn
for what reason had 1 Hecalled me to him
before he died, and, at the eleventh hour,
gave me some good advice. Some good ad-
vice-some words Doubtless they were
very valuable-those words but they were
nothing but words. After the tree has grown
up, with the bend in its trunk, and the shape
Of its branches formed, would it do to stand
before it and preach sermon ofgood advice
Would it change that bend, or abe gnarled
branches?
But a few months passed away after my
fathers death, when found myself married
and comfortably settled. All, those were my
happiest days. These tears that roll down
my cheeks while l write, attest it, They are
not bitter tears. The time of which they are
the remembrance, is the only CLEAN Of pure
light in the course of my past career Of cloU.
dy chequered fortune. And, sweet as II
was-that long continued honey moon the
saving freshness it brings to me now, per-
haps the most beautiful part Of it 1t illu
| mines Jn1s prIs0u Gett II DeSJoWB cnHTmeu
atmosphere even in these sad and sombre
| walls.
A child, too, blessed our marriage, a fair
daughter. May she be blessed, in her life,
with something of that blessing which she
brought to us. May she live, and, when she
looks back on these dismal days, and the
tears drop for her i'll fated father, ah, then
perhaps the story Of my life will have its Of
fee in her mind
l commenced this document with some
gloomy thoughts on happiness. But gloomy
as they are, and fitted for my present situa'
tion, am almost tempted to blot them out
The memory Of the twenty months that
followed my marriage is a full denial Of hin
who would say there is no happiness Oh
earth. Surely my good genius was in the
ascendent all that time. Oh how soon vast
to be followed by thunderstroke
There was a man Of my own age, but poor
and hardy, whom had known while we were
boys together, when l was boarding. in the
country. He had in many things been my
friend but, even when youngsters, we fre
quently quarrelled, for he never would sub
nit to my domineering temper. He belonged
to what are termod the common classes, and,
as had wealth, perhaps it was that which
separated us afCerward For met him often
in the city to which he had himself come, and
vas earning his living, in poor way. Hit
crate, hard-workiDg, and married to an or.
dinary and rather shifLless woman, he was
not much worse of, when his wife died and
left him widOWer with little infant son.
My evil genius it was that put this man in
my way. His hard life had formed him to o
temper as morose as mine was fiery. He oc
cupied part Of a mean dwelling close in the
neighborhood of my own costly residence
and various causes conspired to bring US into
contact. had not thought Of it before; but
it seemed to me now, Notwithstanding the
little services offriendship which be had per-
formed for me, that there had always been
some seeds of antipathy between MS He
made sarcastic remarks about my appearance
and manners. BE thought was, from vul
gar pride, unwilling to acknowledge the for
mer intimacy with him. He was mistaken
in the cause, although right in his oOnclu-
sion.
l gave out contract to make some addi-
tions and repairs on my premises; and this
man was engaged by the contractor, in o
labOring capacity, among his workmen.
was too proud to utter q word about it; but
his appearance was greatly annoying to me.
He took bitter advantage, too, Of the posi-
ton he had, relative to mine; and often was
l conscious Of his sneers and jibs, as passed
along, followed by the suppressed laughter Of
the w0rkmen.
| Whfo rvoc oil {uida ~ NOV canv1 ou6 oo
indeed it was. But that man made, to me,
the Jew sitting in the Kings gate; living
mockery to my pride.
! One time when his remarks were coldly
insolent to my face, swore to him that if
he repeated his unprovoked outrages, would
dash him to the earth.
He laughed tauntingly, but, at that time
replied not word. l was conscious, at the
while, that l cut poor figure before the
men who surrounded US; and that added to
my vexation.
A few days after-O dismal hour II went
through the newly building part, with the
boss, giving directions and receiving explain
ations Of the proposed work. We had got
through talking and was about to leave the
place, when I heard one of this mans sar-
casms upon me-upon my pride, and even
about some peculiarities of my person The
boss had left, unfortunately although the
workmen were all around. l suppressed my
anger, which was suddenly rising; and
even turned to leave the place had to
pass my enemy on the way.
He enjoyed his triumph, and just as 1 was
passing;him, he coolly and deliberately spoke
to me words of still deeper and more pro
vOking influence than ever he had uttered
before and directly addressed them to.ms,
with the evident design Of cutting me to tKs
quick.
My blood was already afre in my veins !;
and this maddened me- hardly remember
now with sufficient distinotness what passed.
1 think had gone couple of steps beyond
where the man stood but the fury was too
much, then. I turned, made one spring
upon him, and, in the rage of my anger
Rrenched from his hand the nlallet he had
been working with, and dealt him blow
directly on the top of the head
My arm was unnaturally nerved by an in
sane ferocity. It was the strcke of death
He fell like log, and 1 stood there mur-
derer!
The ensuing few hours are like hateful
and confused dream TO me. was neither
asleep nor awake. Ifelt a sort Of numbness,
and remember closing and shutting my eyes
s-o - I'd. hn or