Jeffersonian Republican. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1840-1853, 1851-02-13
sTRoUDsBURG MONROE COUNTY Pa THURSDAY FEBRUARY 49,
Toney TOmpkins, the Tailor.


CUTTING IN AND CUTTING OUT.
A short man, named Toney Tompkins, with
sallow face, snuf-taking nose, dull gray eyes,
head covered with shaggy hair, caliper legs, inden-
ted breast and narrow shoulders appeared yester-
day before the Recorder to sustain charge of as
sault and battery, which he had made against one
William Widen Wells, who was also present in
court Wells was an able, athletic fellow, with
physical power enough to pulverize into infnites-
mai atoms poor Tompkins and the great anxiety
of the bystanders seemed to be, what could have
induced fellow of his elephantine proportions to
run foul of Tompkins, who compared with him, was
mere human animalcule. This, however, the
squel will explain.
"Well,' said the Recorder-the case having
been called on by the Clerk" Mr.. Tompkins-
Toney Tompkins- charges you with having COM
mtted on his person most violent and unprovoked
assault and battery"
" "Unprovoked p said Wells, in a tone of aston
ishment-" Unprovoked l would ask your Honor
how does the law define the term unprovoked,'
or what limit does it set to provocation Sir"
he said, g have been injured in my tenderest part
mime honor-by this bandy-legged, scissors-nosed
atom of humanity-this fraction of man-this
thing of shreds and patches-this tailor -
40, then,' said the Recorder, g Mr. Tompkins,
if understand you Alright is a tailor
"Yes, your HONOR said Wells, looking at the
plaintiff with an indignant scowl, "he is mere
maker of 5reeches, but he has made breach in my
domestic happiness, which is needless to add, is
moro difficult to stop, than was the Sauve crevasse
'Accursed be he, whose guieful tongue
Can wrong woman's captive heart
That fount from which has sweetly sprung
! The joys it could alone impart =
"Mr Wells" said the Recorder "your Ian
guage is more poetical than plain. How do you
undertake to justify yourself for having com
mitted the assault and battery on Mr.. Tompkins! 2
'' Simply thus, said Wells 81 had fair, but
alas a tickle and lovely wife. l loved her-sht
loved me-no dang it, she didn't thought, how.
ever, she did, and here Mr.. Wells buried hi:
peppers in soiled white handkerchief Excuse
me, your honor" said he, g but
There matter in these sghs, these profound heaye
You must translate; its fit we understand them.
+ To be brief then, your honor, my wife-oh false
Maria told me that she understood the making
of my clothing if she but had them cut out.-Thi
employed the plaintiff to do, but -..
How false are men, both in their heads and hearts
And there is falsehood in all trades and arts
In cutting out my Clothes he cut me out of tn
affections of my wife, cutting into mine and tru
to the instincts Of his trade cabbaged that love
which was the rightful possessor.
oh! /! the pain ofpains,
Is when the fair one, whom our soul is fond of,
Gives transport and receives it from another :"
Mr.. Wells" said the Recorder, ' if this b
brevity, do not know what you would call tedious
, ness or circumlocution. The only question befor
the court is--did you or did you not commit tn
assault and battery on Mr.. Tompkins, with whicl
: you stand charged!
Wells did your honor; and before this cour
and high Heaven, shall justify it.
/ would sonsort with mine eternal enemy,
To be avenged on him.
That will do, Mr.. Wells" said the Recorder
q have listened to you with great patience, and
} find that instead of denying the charge you own il
shall hold you to bail for your appearance betor
, the First District Court"
Mir. Wells, in tone which told that he was re
r signed to his fate, eiaculated-
"Who trusts himself to woman, or to waves,
. Should never hazard what he fears to lose;
, For he that ventures all his hopes like me,
On the fair promise of a woman's smiles
, Like me, will be deceived and curse his folly"
n o. Delta.