The national era. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1847-1860, 1851-10-23
From the Tuscaloosa Monitor Of September ?,
HUMORS OF ELECTONEERING

HUMORS OF ELECTIONEERING
We Gre up-We have in our time met
with some good electioneerers In this our good
old county of Tuscaloosa We have some that are
hard TO beat We have seen some Of them
walk into large crowd and in less than ten
minutes shake hands with every man present,
inquire aifectiOnately into the state of his own
health and that of each member Of his family,
and express the deepest sympathy on account
of the "long dry spell which was iDiuring his
crop. Nor was this all for, while the candidate
was thus sympathizng with one ofthe soyeregns
on account Of his misfortune he would. almost
in the same breath, succeed in convincing
another constituent that upon has election
depended the question whether or ~et plank
road should be made to pass close by the said
constituents door and whether OF not the value
less sixteenth section in that township should
be enriched by an equalization Of the school
fund. We have often wondered how on earth
the people are ever able to decide who to vote
for, when all the candidates are such cleyor
fellows and all make such fine promises
Some years ago, before the State of Palmetto
had determined to secede, we had occasion TO
pay visit to the pleasant village of Corrollton
The weather being quite warm We concluded
to stop, during the heat of the day. at the.
house of an old Florida fellow-soldier whom we
had not seen for many years. He had retired
upon his laurels, and, having got married, had
we understood, been rehgiously fulfilling one of
the most important Of the scriptural injunctions
Three or four chubby flaxen- headed little
fellows almost in n state of nudity. were play
ing about the yard and we had not been long
an3er the Toof sf- ae,r hSspitable friend before
he caught and dragged up before us the largest
and tt,,t IL, a.,
tT'',e iaitoss fssey Jeyr' ,s,'5,, i1Ss aos
as he was tightly held by the collar of his only
garment his struggles caused it to cover rather
less of his person than strict propriety required
As soon as the youngster WAS brought IN the
father exclaimed: Look here at this boy
Squire and see what's curious about him. "
The first thing of course, which struck us
was the curtailed state of his wardrobe but
this evidently was not the point 10 which our
friend wished TO direct our attention. The
next popularity which we noticed was a very
complete and darkly-defned circle quite visible
around the circumference of the little fellows
face. This we presumed had been caused by
hasty effort to wash him. the result of which
was that the dusty partcles which had been
accommodating upon his face all day were re
moved from the central part around the nose
and eyes, and had been snugly and SYMMETRY
cally arranged into the aforesaid circle We
no doubt looked somewhat puzzled and were
about TO remark that we thought the little fell
low had very comical expression of counte-
nance, when luckily we We're eat short by the
fathers remarking, "Ah, Squire, ! sea YOU
don't know anything about tunologu Why,
it amt no longer than last week that Squire
P NOW one of the ornaments Of our circuit
bench) came along here and he hadn't mOre'n
got into the yard before he says to me- R.
says he bring that little fellow here What's
his name! Absalom, is it Well, it's good
Scripture name and might almost have guess
cd that was it, because his hair has growed out
40 long. R, have you ever had this boys
head examined ." "Well,n continued R,
this sort took me back, cause didn't OK
actly know what the Squire meant by having
, his head examined 80 told him believed the
old woman tended to that He laughed right
! out at this, and then told me he meant erdmin-
q ed furnologiodliy He then took Absalom there
in his lap, and after feelin' round his head for
: bumps, as he called 'em, he says to me. R
r says he, do good part by this hoy he's
!. bound to make a man if you give him half
chance for he's got a head just exactly ike
, Bonaparte and General Washington I'll tell
, you what it IL, said R, addressing us very
alphabetically, otis my opinion that Squire
P is about the smartest man we yc got run
ming for the Legislator and he'll get my vote,
sure" We left our old friend soon after, de-
termning in our own mind that before We ven
tured to become a candidate for any Office we
, would have to take some lessons in fttrnologup
But notwithstanding that Alabama in gene
raj and Tuscaloosa county in particular, has
some eectioneerers that will do to brag on, still
we think they are all thrown into the shade by
, genius who has lately been found in Misss-
sippi, and who can beat Squire p, or
E Judge NJ or General D" or even
the "invincible Ri" himself and give any
of them two in the game If any one doubts
this, let them read the following sketch We
premise that Russell is the Union and Swan the
Secession candidate for State Auditor in the
approaching election in Mississippi
AN ELEcrIoNEERINo GEM.
One of the greatest eectioneerers of the age
is Mr. Daniel r. Russell n candidate Cor
Auditor in Mississippi His mode of election
ecring is to deal withrthe "sovereigns" with tho
most blunt frankncss, discardng every particle
of barneyng humbug. The following sketch
Of a late speech delivered by him must have
puzzled his opponent to reply to-
Ladies and Gentlemen. rise bnt there's
no use of telling you TINT you know ! am up
~ well rs do. am modest man--yery--
but have never lost picayune by it in my
life Being n scarce commodity among candi-
dates thought would mention it, for fear if
| didn't you never would hear it.
| Candidates are generally considered ~ nu,-
sanees, but they are not; they are the politest
men in the world, shake you by the hand, ask
you how's your family, what's the prospect for
crops, &c, and am the politest man there is
in the State Davy Crockett says the poitest
man he ever saw, when he asked II man to drink,
turned his back 10 that he might drink ms much
M he pleased. ! beat that all hollow give a
man chance to drink twice il he wishes for
| not only turn around, bit shut mn eyes | am
not only the politest man, but the best cleo
tioneerer. You ought to zee me shaking hands
with the varations--the pHmp-hande and PEN
dulum, the cross-cut and wigge-waggle Tun-
derstand the science perfectly and il any of tho
county candidates wish instructions they must
call on me-
| FelIow-citizens, | was born-if hadn't been
] wouldn't have been candidate but | am
going TO tell you where; twas not in Misss-
sippi, but twas on the right side OF the negro
line; yet that's no compliment ~ the negroes
are mostly born on ths same SIDE / stand in
the world ~ poor IA II church mouse, yet |
came honestly by my poverty, for inherited it.
and " did start poor, no man can say but that
have held my own remarkably we'll
Candidates generally tell you. if you think
they are qualified, &c. Now, don't ask your
thoughts--l ask your votes Why, there : moth
ing to think Of except to watch and see that
Swans name Is not on your ticket II think
TO scratch it Oh, and put mine on | am certain
that ! am competent for who had ought to
know better than doi Nobody will allow
that Swan in the best Auditor in the State
that is, till am elected; then perhaps IFS not
proper for me to say anything more. Yet, as