Burlington hawk-eye. [volume] (Burlington, Iowa) 1845-185?, 1851-05-29
PARODY ON THE DECLARATION OF In

pEPENDENcE.-A tavern keeper in GER
tain town in Virginia, where the County |
Court held its regular session, once upon |
time having acquired considerable prop
erty, grew very careless, and so offended |
the lawyers by whom his house had for
many years been visited, that, during !
the crowded session OF the Court. they |
with one accord ior>ook him, leaving
behind them the following:
When in the course of human events, It |
becomes necessary for a half hungry, half
fed, imposed on Sc, of men to dissolve the
bands OF landlord and boarder. a decent re-
.pect for the opinions OF mankind requires
tha, they should declare the causes which
have impeled them ,othe separation.
We hold these truths to be selt-evident
that all men are created with mouths and
s'omachs that they are endowed by their
creator with certain inalienabe rights
among which are, that no man should
be compelled to starve. out Of mere com
pai>ance to landlord, and that every
man has right TO fill his stomach and wet
his whistle with the best that's going.
The history OF the presen, landlord Of
the Vhh'e Lion, is a history Of repeated
insults, exac'ious and injuries, all ha>ing
in direct object, the establishment cf an
absolute tyranny over our stomachs and
'hroAt>. To prove this, let facts be sub
united 10 a candid world.
He has refused to keep anything to
| drink bu, bald-taced whisky.
! He has refused to set upon his table,
for dinner, any thing but ,urnip soup,
with a little sour krout, which are un-
wholesome and not designed for the pub
lie good.
He has refused to Jet his only servant,
blink-eyed Joe, put more than six grains
OF coffee TO one gallon of water.
He has turned loose multitude Of mos
qultoes TO assail us in the peaceful hours
OF the night, and eat up our substance.
He has kept up, in our bed, and bed
s'eadS, standing arm es of merciless saw
ages, whose rule of warfare is undistin-
gn>hed destruction.
! He has excited domestic insurrectiop
:. among us, by taking bi,,ers before break
fast. and making his wife and servants do
the same before dinner; whereby there is
often the very deuce TO pay.
He has waged cruel war against nature
herself, by feeding our horses with broom
straw, and carrying them off TO drink
where the swine refuse /" wal0w.
He has protected une--yed Joe in his
villainy, in the robbery Of our jug>, by
pretending TO give him a mock trial, after
sharing with him the spoils.
He has cut off our trade with foreig'
ports, and hr"ugh, in his own baldtacet
whisky. when we had sent him to bn;
, better liquor abroad and with peril ly
scarcely p"rall-led in the most b'rbaron
+ ages, lie ha, been known to drink ON
=. foreign spirits, and fill up our bottles
with his own dire po'a'ions.
He has imposed taxes upon us TO al
r enormous amount against our consent, an,
without any rnle but his own arbilrar,
will and pleasure.
= A landlord, whose character is thu
/. marked by every act which my define
q iyrant and a mi>er, is unfit TO keep
= boarding house for Cherokee Indians
Nor have we been wanting in our al
! ten'ion TO Mrs A. and Miss Sally. w
q have appealed to their native justice an
-. magranmi'y we have conjured them I
- alter a state of things which would inevi,
ably interrupt our connection and CORES
pondence. Tley. too, have been deaf t
4 the voice Of justice; we are, therefore
=, constrained 10 holi all three of these par
/ ties alike ininical TO our we'll being, an
- regardless Of our comfort.
!, We therefore make this solemn de
,. clara,on of final separation from on
:, landlord, and cast our defiance IN hi
: teeth.