The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1851-06-07

feel an intense longing 10 SIT by the Slde OIL he
lena and gaze at her continually, and drink in
pleasure from her divine features. | long even
| to puss her window, and endcavor to catch
| glimpse of her t;iwn-like figure. And yet when
| | was with her this evening how reserved felt.
| This woman exerts a strange influence over me.
| With others can jest and trihe; but when / APP
proach her my whole department is changed.
She is surrounded by an atmosphere. which when
| | enter | am awed and subdued. And yet she
| seems to shun me. She approaches every other
gentleman in the company with careless, and
! indifferent air; but shrinks from me as from
| basilisk. And often notice her gazing at me
intenlly; butthe moment she perceives me watch
ing her, her eyes are cast down as if she feared
| to meet my glance. Good God! Why should
she thus avoid me!-But do | not also avoid
her! When approach her feel feverish and
excited. And when she is out oimy sight, my
| feelings--who can describe them! | am becom-
ing insane!-
Aug. %. Before now have fancied was in
love; but never before have | experienced the
indescribable anguish which consumes my soul
-shrivels up my very existence! Ihave known
several girls whose conversation and society
were source of exquisite qualification. l de-
lighted to sit with them-to walk with them
to chat with them--to romp with hlem. felt
no ditfidence in joining them. But now how
| changed Alas, how sadly changed! Helena IS
society is the only fount from which can drink
in nourishment to quench my fainlshlng and
parched soul. And yet the 'aching void" re-
mains unflled--the intense thirst unquenched.
When am out of her sight, suspense the most
painful preys upon and inhamcs me; and when
am with her my fainlng spirit futters between
doubt and hope. When | speak to her can
feel my blood go tinglns through my veins like
liquid fire, and when approach her my brain
whirls and | grow gddy. What renders me
more miserable is her talking and laughing with
every one else, and shrinking from me as if she
noticed something repulsive in my very features
This evening when | asked permission 10 escort
her the blood sutlused her tcmpes---her eyes
were cast down, and her voice iatered when
she asscnted. And oh. how silent was our walk
When | attempted to speak knew not what tc
say, and felt my tongue clcave to the roof of my
mouth. We seemed to be envcloped in an at
nosphere of silence. She, who in company i.
noted for her general Sprahtiness, uttered scarce
IA word and could feel her trcmblc as she cluns
to my arm. What have done that she should
thus net toward me! She fears me. | see he
quail, and turn away ahaShed every time cas-
my eyes toward her. i am the most miscrabi,
Of beings! can lind rest neither day nor night
Can this b. love! Can this be the feeling tn,
Poet alludeS TO,
-.Like the lava food
, That boils in Etna's breast Of harne!"
Would God could escape to some desert anC
forget all my cares, all my GrielS all my Joys ant
be forgot by all! Would could be blottcd from
, eXiStence-could become Il noncntity, and leave
no trace that had ever been!
Sept. %. The poet said truly,
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
/ have been from home three weeks, and wha
have been my feelings! Every morning ros'
to ''brood with miscr care' over the one bclov
ed idea; and every night retired feverish. rest
) less, unSatisied. They say man by constant,
! revolving one subject in lis mind becomes in
fatuated and fanatcal. If so am fanatic;
: fanatic in regard to Helena! By constantly
longing and ycarnng for an object we lead our
selves to believe that our existence depends upol
, it-and unless we obtain it we are dissatisfied
; and unhappy. And when the mind from intens
irritation and fever gives way we are insane
. Love, then, is "A species of insanity, and am
l yes, am partially insane; for o, how ardent
I do love Helena? But is my passion recipro
Gated? When met her this evening after bcin
absent so long, could notice no change in he
conduct toward me. Or, if there is u change
. it is that she has become more shy and reserved
, gaze. Can it be she hates me! o God will
what stunning force do feel Anacreon's truth
full line,
eyes, loving is painful thrill"
Sep. %. Why am so anxious to know wheth
5 er Helena loves me or not! What matters it Il
me that she never bestows Il thought on Inc
Am l happier for her being interested in my wei
farei Why should l seek or even wish to vii
her afcctionsl Am justifable in wishing Il
l win them! Even if she loves me, and woult
, follow me to the uttermost ends of the cartl
! with pleasure, am not willing to take her from
: happy home to be the partner of my cares ant
poverty. ! could not bear TO see her cndurln;
Tor my sake thetribulations and trials she would
in all probability be forced to undergo. An,
, yet am restless and uneasy because | am il
doubt US to her opinion of me-because lanc,
she does not love me- cannot rest satisfied il
t being miserable myself. | must needs wish he
r to be so to. | must wish her whom would no
I suffer the winds of heaven to visit too roughly Il
be tortured with the same racking passions an
tortured with. We avoid each other--at lcas
she avoids me, and yet it harrows up my soul t.
S see her seated by another, and hear her voice il
t conversation with him. Can this be the strange
unreasonable, and inconsistent passion calle
jealousyl
-, Oct /. Farewell! How strangely that wor
e rings in my ear. Tomorrow leave my home
with strange presentmenl | shall never see
again. When prest Helena's hand this even
ing and bid her farewell, who can describe IN
. feelings. My hand seemed to cling to hers in
+ tutively, while the blood went tingling, thrill
!, ing, tumbling unanimously through my veins
y And iancied hers fingered in mine and tremb
y. lingy returned the pressure. | am almost con
WINGED she loves me; and yet why does she no
, give me some evidence Of her lover am toss
u ed in a sea of doubt and uncertainty. l canno
realize my situation. Conflicting memories
thoughts, hopes, fears, doubts crowd upon me
, and stine, Cypress, and overwhem me. feel
suflocatine sensation and can not go on. Blu
: if eyer any one loved wildly, mady, insanel,