Lynchburg Virginian. [volume] (Lynchburg [Va.]) 1829-185?, 1851-05-19
MISCELLANEOUS.


sit Is Inconceivable to the vlrtuous and
praiseworthy part of the world, who have
been born and bred to respectable idlcness,
what terrible straits are the lot of those
scandalous rogues whom fortune has left
to shift for themselves" Such was my
feeling ejaculation when full of penitence
for the sin Of urgent necessity, l wended
my way to the attorney who had swept
together, and for the most part picked up
the crumbs that fell from my fathers Ia
BILE. He was a little grizzled sardonic an
imal, with features which were as hard as
his heart, and fitted their leather jacket SO
tightly that one would have thought it had
shrunk from washing, or that they had
bought it secondhand, and were pretty
near out at the elbows. They were COM
pletely emblematic of their possessor,
whose religion it was to make the most
of everything, and amongst the rest of the
dlstresses ofhis particular friends, among
whom i had the happiness of standing very
forward. My business required but little
explanation, for I was not oppressed by
rent-rolls nor title deeds; and we sat down
to discuss the readiest means of turning
an excellent income for one year to some
thing decent for few more. My adviser,
whose small experienced eye had twinkled
through all the speculations of the age, and
at the same time taking a very exact ad-
measurement of my capabilities, was of
opinion that | was fit for nothing on earth.
For one undertaking l wanted application;
for another l wanted capital. "Now,
sir" says he, Gas the first of these defcien-
cies is irremediable, we must do what we
can to supply the latter. Take my advice;
ensure your life for few thousand, YOU
will have but little premium to pay, for you
look as if you would live forever; and
from my knowledge of your rattle-pated
habits, and the various chances against
you, | will give you handsome sum for
the insurance" Necessity obliged me to
acquiesce in the proposal, and l assured
the old cormorant there was every likel-
hood ofmy requiting his iberality by the
most unremitting perseverance in all the
evil habits which had procured me his
countenance. We shook hands in mutual
ill-opinion, and he obligingly volunteered
to accompany me to the Insurance Office,
where they were supposed to estimate a
mans life to quarter of an hour and some
odd seconds.
We arrived little before the business
hour, and were shown into large room
where we found several more spectators
waiting ruefully for the oricle to pronounce
sentences. In the centre was large ta-
bic, round which, at equal distances, were
placed certain little Jumps ofmoney, which
my friends told me were to reward the la
borers of the inquisition, amongst whom
the surplus arising from absentees would
likewise be divided. From the kecnness
with which each individual darted upon
his share, and ogled that of his absent
neighbor, | surmised that some Of nv
tellow-suferers would find the day against
them. They would be examined by eyes
capable Of penetrating every crevice of
their constitutions, by noses which would
smell rat a mile off, and hunt guinea
breast high. How indeed could plague or
pestilence, gout or gluttony, expect to
lurk in its hole undisturbed when sur
rounded by pack of terriers which seem
ed hungry enough to devour one another :
When ten or a dozen of these gentry had
assembled, the labors of the day COM
menced.
Most of the adventurers for raising sup
plies upon their natural lives were afflicted
with conceit that they were by no means
circumscribed in foundation for such a pro-
ject. In vain did the Board endeavor to
persuade them that they We're half dead al
ready. They fought hard for few more
years, swore that their fathers had been
almost immortal, and that their whole fam
lies had been as tenacious life as eels
themselves. Alas they were first order
ed into an adjoining room, which | soon
learned was the condemned cell, and then
dehcately informed that the establishment
could have nothing to say to them. Some
had the good luck to be reprieved little
longer, but even these did not effect very
hattering or advantageous bargain. One
old gentleman had large premium to pay
for a tumor on the knee; another for an
extraordinary circumference of girth; and
a dowager of high responsibility, who was
afflicted with certain undue proportion of
width, was fined most exorbitantly. The
only customer who met with anything like
satisfaction, was gigantic man of Ireland,
with whom Death, ! thought, was likely
to have double contest
"How old are you, sir 2" inquired the
examiner.
"Forty."
"1ou seem to be a strong man,"
81 am the strongest man in Ireland"
"But subject to the gout ?"
"No-the rheumatism. Nothing else
upon my soul.''
"What age was your father when he
died ?"
"oh, he died young; but then he was
killed in a row."
"Have you any uncles alivel"
mo, they were all killed in rows too"
"Pray. sir, do you think Of returning to
Irelandl"
"May be l shall some day or other"
"What security can we have that you
will not be killed in a row yourself?"
"Oh, never fear! L am the sweetest tenn
per in the world, barring when rm dining
out-which is not often"
What sir, you can drink little :"
Three bottles with case"
"Ah, that is bad. You have a red face,
and look apoplectic. You will no doubt
60 off suddenly"
Devil a bit My face was born with me;
and I'll lay wager live longer than
any two in the room"
''But three bottles
"Ncver you mind that, don't mean to
drink more than bottle and a half in fu-
ture. Besides l intend to get married, if
l can, and live snug"
A double debate arose among the di-
rectors respecting the gentleman's eligibili-
ty. The words "row" and "three bottles"