Lynchburg Virginian. [volume] (Lynchburg [Va.]) 1829-185?, 1851-03-27
Delivering a Letter Of Introduc.
ton.

the misfortune which befel an American
gentleman upon his visit to lady in Paris
to whom he bore letters of introduction
After relating a number of ludicrous
and amusing mistakes upon his entrance
into the presence of the lady, he proceeds
thus:
The ordinary routine of French din
ner commenced A regular series of SER
wants appeared each instant at elbows, in
viting US to partake Of thousand different
kinds Of wine under strings of names
which | no more understood than l un-
derstood their composition, or they did my
qronchertes, Resolute to avoid all further
opportunities for displaying again my pre-
dominant trait, sat in obstinate silence,
saying oui to everything that was offered
to me, eating with the most devoted appli-
cation, till my fair neighbor, tired with my
taclternity and her own, at length herself
began conversation by inquiring how l
was pleased with the opera was just
raising large morsel of potato to my
mouth, and in order to reply as quickly as
possible, hastily thrust it in, intending to
swallow it hastily. Heavensi twas as hot
as burning lava What could | dol-
The lady's eyes were fixed upon me, wait
ing reply to her question. But my
mouth was in flames. | rolled the burning
morsel hither an thither, rocked my head
from side to side, while my eyes, which in
voluntarily | had fixed on her, were strain
ed from their sockets. She regarded nv
grimaccs, of the causes Of which she was
Ignorant, with an expression of amusement
and surprise, at which / can laugh now
when l think Of it.
monsieur is ILL.," she gently in an anx-
lous tone inquired; could hear no more
My mouth was flaming with intolerable
pam; so quietly abandoning the point, |
opened 1t to the utmost, and out droppedthe
internal brand upon my plate. Not the
slightest tendency to risibility ruffled the
lmperturbable pohteness Of the lady,
She soothingly condoled with me on my
misfortune, then gradually led the CONVEX
satlon to variety of topics, till cxertiny
the magic influence that true poLteness al
ways exercises, began to forget even my
own blunders. Gradually my checks
burned less painfully and | could Join in
the conversation without the fear that eve
ry word | uttered shared the fate of the ac
ton l attempted; | even ventured to hope,
nay, to congratulate myself, that the cat
alogne Of calamities was completed for the
day.
Let no man call himself happy before
DEATH said Solon, and he said wisely.-
The ldes of March were not yet over
Before me stood a dish of caulHower.
nicely done in butter. This | naturally e.
uough took for custard pudding which it
sufficiently resembled. Unfortunately my
vocabulary was not yet extensive enough
20 embrace all the tecLnicalities of the ta-
BILE, and when my fair neighbor inquired
whether | was fond of Chogfcur, | verify
took 1t tobe the French for custard pud-
ding, and SO high was my panegyric of it,
that my plate was bountifully laden with it.
Alas =! one single mouthful was enough to
dispcl my illusion.
Would to heaven that also the chorAeur
had vanished with it. But that remained
bodily, and as | gazed despondingly on
the large mass that loomed almost as LARGE
and burning as Vesuvious, my heart died
within me. L was ashamed to confess NV
mistake, although | could as readily have
swallowed an equal quantity of soft soap.
| struggled manfully on against the noun
famous heap at the base, and shutting my
eyes and opening my mouth, to inhale as
large masses as could without stopping
to taste it. But my stomach soon began,
Ineligible enough to intimate the inten-
SION to admit no more of this nauseous
stranger beneath its roof if not expclling
that which had gained an unwelcome adj
mission.
The seriousness of the task | had under
taken, and the resolution necessary to ex-
ecute 1t, had given an earnestness and ra-
pidity to exertion which appetite could not
have inspired, when my plate having got
somewhat over the edge ofthe table. upon
my leaning forward, tilted up. and down
shd the disgusting mass upon my lap
My handkerchief, unable to bear SO great
a load, bent under in its turn, and a great
portion landed safely in my hat. The
plate righted itself; as l raisedmy person
and saw as l glanced my eye around the
table that no one had noticed nay disaster,
L inwardly congratulated myself that the
nauseous deception was 50 happily dispos-
cd ofand resolved uot to be detected, and
rolled my handkerchief together with its
remaining contents l whipped it in my
pocket.
The dinner table was at length disserted
for the drawing room, where coffee and
liquor were served around Meantime I
sought what | considered a safe hiding
place for my hat, beneath chair in the
dining room, for dare not carry it any lon
ger in my hand, having first thrown NOR
sci of paper on it, to hide the caulifower,
should any one chance in seeking for his
own hat, to look into mine.
On my return to the drawing room,
chanced to be again seated by the lady by
whom had sat at the table. Our conver
sation was resumed, and we were in the
midst Of an animated discussion, when
huge spider was seen running up her arm.
Tale it of'-take it off, she calculated
in terrific voice.
was always afraid of spiders, SO to a.
void touching him with my hand, caught
my pocket handkerchief from my pocket.
and clapPed 1t at once upon the miscreant,
who was already mounting over her tenn
pies with rapid strides. Gracious heavenl
| had forgotten the cauliAower which was
now plastered over her face like an emoli-
ent poultice, fairly killing the spider and
binding an eye of the lady-whife little
streamlets of softbutter glided gently down
her neck and bosom.
"Mon Dieu mon Dicul" exclaimed the
astonished fair
"Mon Dieu! mon Dieul" was re-echoed
from every persons mouth.
"No, no! the spidcr-monsieur is killl;i,y
the spider.
.What 1, o,,aptitx- of antris lsf'' e;acula,od