Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1851-04-25
CHAPTER Ill.

more eCeTy ddy dO0ul 9ciGt dcGS necessary ana ft
Psr.h--Hcw they applied to Great Larger Dor
East and hotr he made the matter more Obscure B
| his Illustrations.
In this way Uncle Sam and his b'hoys at last e
into complete snarl about the right of paternity
the ownership of the land--and the meaning Of tn
words necessary and proper Finding at last tina
/ they could not settle the matter among themselves
they, according to the custom of men with more me-
ney than brains, at length agreed to refer the maj
ter to famous lawyer down East, who Uncle Sar
called the great confounder, or expounder-l forge
wmch-wlth secret proyiso that they would b
governed by his opinion, if it suited both parties
The great confounder was very fond of fishing
and always studied his cases with fishing pole i
his hand: and the {. Complete Angler" in his peck
ct. Accordingly, taking his implements he sat him
self down by the side of pond Astounding in bull
heads, the water of which, though shallow, was s.
thick you could not see the bottom, and proceeded
with occasional interruptions of glorious nibble,
cogitate the following opinion
he questions at issue are--frst as to the tru,
meaning and import of the words necessary and pro
per; second: whether the right to certain specified
land IS in Uncle Sam his bhoys; and third
whether Uncle Sam is the father of his b'hoys o.
they his father, in legal point of view
And, first, as to the word necessary. All lega
authorities assert that necessity has no law, and il
follows therefore, that Uncle Sam being, by virtue
OF the contract, authorized to do whatever is
sary may do just as he pleases because he can'tdt
o'.ioA "ISe L He WOfu proper, / consider mere tau
toiogy inasmuch as whatever is necessary is proper
ana whatever proper necessary. But seeing thai
Uncle Sam and his b'hoys differ on this point, the
right OF the strongest must govern. IF Uncle Sam
can cudgel his bh0ys into submission, good If he
can't, he must brighten them, which will do Just as
well.
Secondly with respect to the question of pa-
ternlty, hold it to be sheer paradox to say that
Uncle Sans children be Uncle Sans father,
unless they resort to legal fiction, and reckon their
chickens before they are hatched which is contrary
to the decision of Chief Justice Bridlegoose in the
celebrated case OF Partlett VS. Cockadoodle Besides,
tor Uncle SANS sons to set themselves up as his
fathers would be putting the cart before the horse,
as, IN that case they must have been born before
their tather--a thing that never happened. except,
perhaps, in the case of Melchsedek am therefore
clearly of opinion that Uncle Sam is not only the
father OF lis own children but of Zebedees children
too and that of course he has right not only to all
the land but to their implicit obedience in all
according to the ancient Patriarchal
Law, which is superior to all others. With regard
to the precise meaning of the words necessary and
proper refer you to Websters Dictionary letters
N. & P, folio edition.
When Uncle Sam got this opinion of the great
confounder, he strutted up and down like turkey
cock, snapt his fingers and fourished his crahstick
over the bhoys heads at great rate, tho he didn't
one-half of it. All he comprehended
was, that he had right to do as he liked with the
D'hoys, and that was enough for a reasonable man,
he h0ys, at least some of them. were not at all
satisfied, and talked about the contract and all that
tort OF nonsense whereupon Uncle Sam threatened
o send the constable after them. In short. things
vent on from bad to worse the house became divi-
led against itself: domestic peace was DESTROYED
md the neighbors all predicted the ruin of the fam
ly.
AT length, 1T came to pass that some of the bhoys
threatened to cut Uncle Sam's acquaintance which,
hey said they had right to do, if they thot pro-
er being now of age, and able to take care of them
elves. Uncle Sam denied this in toto: and accord
ng to custom. applied to his trusty counsellor, the
reat contounder, who, taking his fishing pole and
he Complete Angler. proceeded to study the case
which he expoundcd follows, with now and then
n interruption from bull-head or a mummy chub
ncle sam gave 1t to one of the bhoys, who read it
n an audible voice
The laws being orr gnally derived from the
eathen Greek, afterwards rendered into pagan Lat
H. and thence transmogrifed into barbarous Chris
ian English, (hem--bad day for fishing ths,) It is
aln that the old dotards who drew up the contract
etween Uncle Sam Ca bull-head, by Jupiter , and
us bhoys, and who never IN their lives so much as
aW the outside OF Greek Latin Institute of JUS
man. what famous mummy club y could know
othlng about contracts constitutions and all that
ort OF thing being as destitute of learning as toad
of feathers Chang me if that isn't tadpoe. halfI
ul-frog) knowing nothing of the past and less of
future they erected these monuments of the dark
ges-( what glorious nibbe! 1t must be bull |
read. Ha ha I've hooked him I've got him
iere he is, with horns like my Durham bu'', pre-
ented by my Lord Spencer')
why what the ID is all this ?' exclaimed In
lie Sam Hang me if don't believe the great con-
ounder has been fishing in something stronger than
water: But go on. and let's hear the rest
Therefore, if Uncle Sam and his bhoys wish me
NEEDLE IN this matter (plague take that rascalIv
nnnow he's nbbled off my bait y they must inter-
discard eschew. and reprobate this musty old con-
ract: and throw all this internal bundle of consttu-
lonal scruples into-( There there I'll swear that |
vas Swapping turtle 1.-THE fire. in order that they
nay no more rise up in judgment against our be-
hghted ancestors. Away with them all, | say-they
re no better than obsolete ideas. (Hah b'hoys |
ere,s another bull-head By st. Anthony who won
pon the fishes by singing Yankee Doodle-but I've
ot ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I'll be darned if he hasn't
lven me the slip and taken off my hook in the bar
ain. This comes of attending to the business of
hat old dotard, Uncle Sam and his Booby Bboys ~
iere Uncle Sam spat in his hands, 1ourished his
rabsck, and verify believe if the great confounder
ad been there, he would have given him a crack
yer the NOODLE. But he only babe the reader to 90
n, and be hanged to him. observing that as his hook
Tas gone. he might catch a fish at last ssWith re-
pect to the right of cutting ones acquaintance au-
horities differ the subject. In the great case of
uli vs. Brother Jonathan, it decided in the
curt above, that it was a natural inherent right in
very man to choose who he would keep company
nth. and that he might turn his back on anybody
e pleased, provided he only knocked him down first
y way OF giving fair warning. This preliminary
ourtesy hold to be indispensable, inasmuch rs to
ut ones acquaintance in polite and peaceable
hammer, without little butfetng is as reprehensi-
lie as to make friends without shaking hands and
rlnklng glass to drown all animosity as Sir Hen
7 and do sometimes
On the whole therefore. agree with the doc
inc OF the court above, and of opinion that Tn
ans 'INnrc ho,- Il