Mississippi palladium. [volume] (Holly Springs, Miss.) 1851-1852, 1851-05-09


born before their father-a thing that new
er happened, except, perhaps, in the case
Of Melchisedeck / am, therefore, clearly
of opinion, that Uncle Sam is~not only the
father Of his own children, but Of Zebedee's
children too, and that, of course, he has a
right not only TO all the land, but to their
implicit obedience IN all cases whatsoever,
according 10 the ancient Patriarchal Law,
which is superior to all others With re-
gard 10 the precise meaning of the words
necessary and proper, refer you to Web
ster's Dictionary, letters n. q P, folio
edilien''
When Uncle Sam got this opinion Of the
great coRfounder, he sirutted up aad down
Ike q surley-cock, snapt his fingers, ana
fourished his crab5tick over the b'hoys'
heads at a great rate, though he didn't IN
derstandone-half oft. Allhe comprehend
Cd zyas, that he had a right to-do as he
liked with the b'hoys, and thai was enough
/ for a reasonable man. The b'hoys, at least
/ some Of them, were not at all satisfied, and
talked about the contract, and all that sort
/ Of nonsense; Whereup0n Uncle Sam threat
ened to send the constable after them. In
short, things went on from bad to worse;
, the house became divided against itself;
domestic peace was DESTROYED; and the
Heighbors al predicted the ruin Of the fam
/ lily.
! At length, it came to pass that some of
! the b'hoys threatened to cut Uncle Sam's
! acquaintance, which, they said, they had a
right TO do, if they thought proper, being
now Of age, and able to take care Of them
selves. Uncle sam denied this in toto;
. and, according to custom, applied to his
trusty counsellor, the great confounder,
who, taking his fishing pole and the Com
plete Angler, proceeded to study the case,
which he exp0unded as follows, with now
and then an interruption from bull-head
/ or mummy-chub. Uncle Sam gave it 10
one Of the b'hoys, who read it in an audi
/ bic voice:
The laws being originally derived from
( the heather Greek, afterwards rendered m
/ 10 pagan Latin, and thence transmogrifed
into barbarous Christian English, chem
bad day for fishing this, it is plain that the
old dotards who drew up the contract be-
tween Uncle Sam and Ga bull-head by
Jupiter) his b'hoys, and who never in
/ their lives SO much IS saw the outside Of
(What a famous mumTny-chub J could
know nothing about contracts, constitu-
Mons, and all that sort of thing, being as
destitute Of learning as a toad is Of feathers,
{ hang me if that isn't tadpole, half bull
frog knowing nothing OF the past and
less of the future, they erected these mon
uments of the dark ages-(what glorious
nibble! It must be a bull-head. Ha ha !
I've hooked him !-I'ye goth Here
he is, with horns like my Durham bull,
presented by my Lord Spencer.")
why what the ID is all this?" ex-
claimed Uncle Sam. ''Hang me if [ don't
believe the great confounder has been fish
ing in something stronger than water. But
go on, and let's hear the rest"
/ Therefore, if Uncle Sam and his b'hoys
wish nae to NEEDLE in this matter (plague
that raScaIly minnow, he's nibbled of my
( bait they must utterly discard, eschew,
and reprobate this musty old contract, and
throw all this Internal bundle of constitu-
tional scruples into-(There there! I'll
swear that was asnaPping turtle! )--the FIRE,
IN order that they may no more rise up in
judgment against our benighted ancestors.
Away with them all, | say-they are no
better than obsolete ideas.-( Hah b'hoys,
here's another Bull-head. b ST Anthony,
who won upon the fishes by singing Yam
kee Doodle-but I've got him-no-yes-
10, III be darned If he hasn't given me the
slip and taken off my hook in the bargain
/ This comes Of attending to the business of
that old dotard. Uncle Sam spatin his hands,
flouTished his erabstick, and I verify be-
+ Eeve if the great confounder had been
there, he would have given him crack
+ over the Eoddle. But he only bade the
reader to go on, and beshanged to him, OBJ
serving that as his hook was gone, he
might catch fish at last ssWith respect
10 the right of cutting ones acquaintance,
authorizes differ on the subject. In the
+ great case OF Bull VS.. Brother Johnathan,
Il was decided in the court above, that it
was a'natural inherent right in every man,
+ TO choose who he would keep company with,
and that he might tsIn his back on any
body be pleased, provided he only knocked
him down first by way OF giving fair warn
ing. This preliminary courtesy hold to
be indispensable, inasmuch as 10 cut ones
acquaintance in a polite and peaceable man
ner, without little buffetting, is as repre-
herlsible as to make friends without shaking
hands and drinking glass to drown all an
inosity, as Sir Henry and do sometimes.
s'On the whole, therefore, agree with
the doctrine of the court above, and am of
opinion that Uncle Sans b'hoys have
clear natural right to cut his acquaintance,
provided they don't do it in peaceable
manner, for that would be contrary to law
They must cudgel him soundIy in the first
place in order to bring him to reason; and
If he still persists in claiming acquaintance,
they have no other alternative but to knock
him on The head, and thus settle the affair
b. a resort TO club lawn other words, the
right Of the strongest, which is, as it were,
the high court Of appeal in ali cases. IF he
should, however. be so unreasonable as not
10 make any resistance, the b'hoys viii be
a set OF rebellious rascais; but should I'M
Gle Sam make fight, and after sufficient
quantity of broken heads, and bloody noses,
consent 10 their cutting his acquaintance,
they viii go down 10 posterity as heroes
and patriots after the manner of their reyo-
lationaTy ancestors"
On hearing this decision, Uncle Sam rub
bed his nose violently with the sleeve his
honaespun coat, and fell into quandarv,
from which he recovered himself as usual
BY fourishing his crabstick, and exclaim-
ing:-"Confound the great confounder, /