Lynchburg Virginian. [volume] (Lynchburg [Va.]) 1829-185?, 1851-05-12
MISC ELLANEOUS.


My Dear Sir Il have just returned
from tour through this State, and pro-
ceed to furnish you with an account of my
labors and their success. | have been gone
for three months, and assure you, in all
sincerity, that | am fully satisfied. You
furnished me with list of one hundred
and seventeen owing subscribers, as you
viii recollect. | have called upon one
hundred and four of them, and have the
honor of paying over to your order three
dollars and twelve and one half cents, be-
ing the amount to which you are entitled
| return you the list, numbered to liz,
and now give you the reply ofeach.
No. lis minister. He says in the
first place, he never got one half of the
numbers, Ia lie according to the account OF
the Poslmaster,) and in the next place
ourjoker's column was too scurrilous.--
He can'tthink ofaiding to sustain paper
that advertiscs horse races and gander
pulling. Besides, he knows from one
of your editorials that you drink, and pay
ing you would only be the means of your
ending your days in the kennel. He won
ders at your impudence in sending him his
bill after publishing the account of the
great prize fight between Left Handed
Smoke and Gathering Bill. He wants
nothing to do with you-never wants to
hear from you again.
No. 2--ls in jail for debt. He has not
seen half dollar for year. Says he
would pay with the utmost cheerfulness,
If he only had the money, but had to bor-
row shirt to put on last Sunday. Ad
mires your paper wonderfully, and hopes
you will continue sending it to him. He
wishes you to take bold stand in favor of
the abolition of imprisonment for debt. as
he thinks it would hc very popular move
with gentlemen in his situation. If
you send him any more papers he hopes
you will see that the postage is paid, as
otherwise he viii be unable to enjoy your
Sends his best respects.
No. .3-Is young Doctor. Says your
paperis beneath the notice of a gentleman.
Wouldn't give a-- for cart load
Says you inserted an article rejecting on
the profession. Only wisheshe could catch
you here-would make you smell.
Is going to persuade every body that
takes your paper to stop it. Cuss'd your
bill, and says you may collect it in the best
way you can.
No. As an old Maid. Says you are
always taking fling at single ladies ofan
uncertain age. Wouldn't pay you if she
was rolling in wealth and you had mt cash
enough to buy crust of bread Sent all
the papers she had back month ago, and
says now that she don't owe you anything
Says she is even with you, and intends to
keep SO till the day of judgment. Asked
me not to forget to tell you that youarc no
gentleman, or you wouldn't undertake to
SANDER large and respectable class of the
female population of the country.
No. 5-Is gambler sporting gen
tleman. Says he got completely cleaned
out last week at the races. Couldn't ac-
commodatc his grandmother with half
dime If she was starving. Likes your pa
per tolerably-would like it better if you
published more races and would OCCASION
ally give an account ofa cock-fght. Liked
the description Of the prize fight amazing
ly--it redeemeda multitude Of your faults.
Hopes you won't think hard of him for
not paying you now-but has got pres
pect of soon having some loose change, as
he is after rich young grecn-horn who
arrived here last week. VIII pay your
bill out of the pluckings.
No. 6-Is an old drunkard. Has mt
got anything, and never expects to have.
Gathered up all the papers that he had
and sold them for a halfpint of rum, to the
doggery-kceper, to wrap groceries in
Wishes you would send him pile, as they
cost him no postage, his brother-in-law be-
ing postmaster, and permitting him to
take out his papers for nothing. WinlSed
at me when | presented your bill, and in
quired if I wasn't distant relation Of the
man that butted the bull off tue bridge.
No. us a magistrate. Swore he new
er owed you cent, and told me | was a
low rascal, for trying to swindle him in
such bare-faced manner. Advised me
TO make tracks in little less than no time,
or he would get out a warrant against me
as common cheat, and have me sent to
prison. Took his advice. Is, by all odds
the mcanest man l have seen yet. Never
80 near him again, | swear
No. SIS a politician. Says although
you profess to publish neutral paper, ii
is not so. Thinks he has seen a consider
able squirting towards the side to which
he is opposed. Meant to have told you a
year ago to stop his paper, but forgot it
Tells you to do so now, and thinks you
are getting off very cheaply in not losing
any more by him. Believes you to be q
rascal, and is too honorable to have any
thing to do with you, as it might compro
mise him and injure his prospects.
No. 9-Paid up like a man. The only
one. Likes yourpapcr first rate, and mean.
to take and pay forit as long ns you pub
lish it or he lives Asked me to dinner
and treated me like king. An oasis il
the DESERT A man fit for heaven
No. lois merchant. Expects t,
break shortly, so must save all his small
change. offered me a pair of breeche
and a cotton handkerchief for the debt
Refused him with scorn. Told me to g
to the devil. Long jaw. Threatened t.
break my head. Dared him to do it
Threw a hatchet at me. lodged it AM
put out.
No. IL to ll7-Mean as rot Had n
money-would'n pay-did'nt owe.
swore I'd sue. Said I might sue and b
hanged. Cursed all the little ones an
burr;od from the bic. Never rot the frs