Spirit of the age. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1849-1865, 1851-01-31
A JUSTICE DEALING DRUNK
ARD


While riding, not long since, in the inte-
rior Of Virginia, and passing along a rarely
frequented road, heard noise that at once
arrested my attention. It was a soliloquy
in very loud key, and interlarded with an
occasional oath, to prove that the colloquy
was in earnest Guiding my horse quietly
in the direction of the voice, saw a fellow
about half-corned, deliberately cutting
long hickory switch. and talking to himself
at the same time. with great earnestness.,
| thought, at first, that he intended to whip
his horse, that stood tied, hard by, and /
was about turning off, when new set Of
phrases to his selftalk arrested me at 'ohees
and made me the witness Of the following
scene =" Well, now, Leroy jenkins, /
expect you'll catch goss in little WHILE
1t wont be long first. before Leroy Jenkins's
hide gets painted some. III pay you. Le-
roy Jenkins. for all this, you trifing cur,
you"
Being in some doubt whether Leroy Jen-
kins was the name of his horse, or of some
expected combatant, whose preparations. Of
character similar to those 1 have mention
ed, were quietly progressing short dis
tance off, Idetermined to await the issue Of
these fierce threats, and throwing my leg.
over my saddle, I prepared to become. a
calm spectator of the fight, and perhaps an
umpire when one party or the other got
enough. My friend of the hickory, as soon.
as he had cut and trimmed his switch, and
satisfied himself of its elasticity and unbro-
ken strength, laid it down on the ground.
talking all the time, in a very trucuIent man.
ner, of Leroy jenkins. Deliberately taking
of bis coat, and laying it on log, he took.
up bis fail, and the first heard Of his sue
eeeding soliloquy, was about as follows -
Now, Leroy Jenkins, amt you ashamed of
yourself you nasty hound-pup, you, and
am just now going to give you your bitters,
you internal mean reptile, you II
4 In the mean time / leaned a little for
ward to catch glimpse of his antagonist,
but though the coast was comparatively clear,
) | could see no human face save that of the
speaker, and was now very sure that he
did not mean his horse, for he took an op-
posite direction. had small time, however
, for reflection, for as his speech waxed war
! mer, he stepped little forward, and aimed
5 sort Of back handed blow, which descended
with keen sound and considerable force
on-tis ocn back! There, you internal
devil, take that, and that, (sAroD shroD, the
switch descended) That's for your mean
ness, Leroy Jenkins. Now sir, what are
! you going to tell your wife, when you get
home, about the money you got for her
: eggs and huekelberries, YOU mean pup fA
a You spent it for liquor, did you? There
. take that, sir, (shroso, shrow, shrcso. -
! Well, l don't care if it does hurt, it serves
r you right, Leroy jenkins, for making
beast of yourself, and fooling your wife, You
: mean whelp, you! You know, sir, when
you left home, she told you that you codld'nt
pass Simmons without spending all that
money. You know she did, don't you p
Now sir, take that, (shrow, shroao, shrosD, )
E and didn't you promise her, Leroy jenkins.
! that you wouldn't go near Simmons and
! would be sure to buy her a nice glass, and
the prettiest kind of calico for her bonnet
Didn't you, now, you cussed mean dog you.
Yes sir you know you did, (sirotc, strosc,
e shrotc,) and the hickory descended with
frightful keenness and, Leroy jenkins, what
i made you such fool as to 90 by Simmons
at all, when you saw Tom Walker standing
in the door ready to treat you, and to drink
all your money up? What made you do
a that, you rotten herring, you? slroD
: shrouo.) Well, sir. I'll pay you for all
> this (shroD shrow.) You'll 90 to town
: and spend your wife's money for whiskey.
j again, will you?' (and the blows were now
perpetrated with more frequency than his
words.)
u q Although almost dying with suppressed
= laughter, watched the infiction1 Of this
J selfaeting punishment, which was bestowed
J with far more zeal than were the thousands
of stripes whereby Sancho was to disenchant
y the lady-loEe Of his master. At lengtht Le-
I = roy jenkins stopped, either through pure
4 4 exhaustion, or because he thought the delin-
: quency was sufficiently punished. Throw
i ling away his switch, which by this time
II was little frayed 1.-THE end, he resumed
his coat and his speech. "Now, Leroy
= Jenkins, now sir, you've got licked, and
- :. well licked, too, this time, and the very
!, ! next time you do this trick, I'll just fairly
: take the hide off Of you. You hear that,
:, = don't you? and now go home. sir, to your
y wife and beg her pardon. you mean cuss,
you" l slipped away unperceIved by this
justice-dealing culprit, but / never think of
r this scene without an irresistible desire to
,e laugh. And even now. whenever there
ofl happens to be little family breeze, I can
l. always make my wife smile by telling her,
10 " I'll go into the woods. my dear. and as
m punishment for having vexed you, for
,e while, Ill play Leroy Jenkins
If the spring puts forth no blossoms, IN