Indiana State sentinel. [volume] (Indianapolis) 1841-1853, 1851-05-08
rFrom the Dollar Newspaper
Fac. Messer---Or, the Scales Balanced.
BY LORENZO MERRILL.

FAC. meSser---Or, the scales BaicnSeus
BY LORENZO MERRILL.
FAC Messer was one of your tall, raw-boned, Ian
tern awed, good natured specimens OF humanity,
hailing from the vicinity Of the White Mountains in
the old granite State. His countenance indicated
hard times, bearing the impress of want upon every
lineament. One might have been guaranteed IN the
superstition that he never experienced the felicity of
paraking of full and comfortable meal of yictuals
in his iife Such influence, however, would have
have been very wide of the mark; for FAC. was the
exact personifcaton of Pharoah's lean kine devour
ing all that came in his way His appetite increased
with his years. and ii was his delight TO cultivate the
talent on all possible occasions.
As an instance of this, it is stated that the COM
handing officer of the militia in that quarter gave an
entertainment to the soldiers under his jurisdictions
at which, of course FAC was prominent guest, and
parook so bountifully of the atted calf' prepared
for the OCCASION that the old COW, its MOTHER follow
ed him for three miles his way home, lowing most
pteously all the while. The neighbors relate, with
how much truth know not, that his father died OF
broken-heart from having inadvertently discovered
that his years stock of provisions had been consum
ed by his voracious offspring during few weeks abb
sence. AT any rate, MeSser became as great bur-
then upon the district from which he drew his sup
plies, the renowned CULVER upon the famous
Lilliputians Occasionally he made excursions into
the adjoining counties an tnerant clock cleaner,
until his presence, in any particular LOCALITY pres
aged famine and caused the utmost CONSERVATION
among landlords and other yictuaers. 1t is worthy
of remark that hero gave such satisfaction In his
vocation that clock of his tinkering never needed
any further repairs; fact on which he prided him
self not little, especially his charges were low,
being only fifty cents for timepiece and board In
process of time, however, as may have been inferred
Messer's business declined. In short his occupation
was as completely gone as was that OF the colored
gentleman's mentioned by Shakespeare.
In this EFFICIENCY he emigrated TO Boston and found
employ in driving a truck for large firm in that
city II was while engaged in this capacity, that
Mr. Smith, retailer of dry goods and other notions
in the place where Messer born and brought up,
came to town for the purpose of making some addi-
tons 10 his stock in trade. Smith happened TO be
somewhat out of health, and having violent head
ache, stepped into hotel and ordered cup OF tea
and cracker, which were promptly forthcoming by
direction Of the landlady. Having drank the tea, he
repaired to the bar and politely inquired the amount
of his bill. Only half dollar was demanded, TO
which Smith gently demonstrated, inasmuch as no
expense had been incurred the score OF provisions
but he cut short by the host who graciously in
formed him that ga dinner dinner, and that he
could have paraken of any amount OF eaableS, had
he seen proper TO have called for the same. The
dimes were handed without further remontrance
but it must be confessed Mr. Smith felt that injustice
bad been done him, and although firm believer In
future punishment yet it pleased him exceedingly 10
see the wicked visited by portion, at least, of the
consequences of their misdeeds in this world, an
earnest, probably of what was TO come in the next
In this view of the case he inquired with great sua
witty, if nine dinners could be furnished for some
friends of his at particular hour on the ensuing
day. An affirmative answer was returned, for In
truth the landlord considered the furnishing of nine
dinners to such dainty customers, he presumed his
friends to be- in the light of a windfa to the house,
and in way calcated to make an injurious impress
sion upon the contents of his larder AT this stage
of the proceedings Smith sought for his old towns
man Messer whom lie found early the next morning
engaged at his laborious calling.
On inquiry, FAC. stated that he had not yet break
tasted, but that certain uumiSakeabie gnawing In
his stomach reminded him that the time for the dis
charge of that important duty was close at hand. Mr.
Smith stated his case in few words, and concluded
by earnestly requesting Messer to forego his morning
meal and dine at his expense. To the latter part OF
the arrangement no objection was made, but to the
former a demurrer entered on the ground that he
had in the of his life endured so long
fast. But, however, for his friends sake, and in
view of the entertainment ahead he acquiesced In
/ the arrangement.
AT the appointed hour, Smith, accompanied by his
friend Fac Messer made his appearance at the hotel,
where everything in readiness The half dollar
was paid by Smith, who assured mine host that the
other eight would pay they dropped in, and then
departed. MesSer, who appeared TO be in a hurry,
admitted TO the dining hall, where his keen oil
factories had already scented out several very savory
dishes.
He first paid his respects to fine boiled salmon of
several pounds weight which had been served up in
good style. In order TO facilitate operations, he quiz
city showed his plate aside, and drew the platter
containing the fish before him. In few moments
all had disappeared but the back bone, and even that
exhibited unmistakeable evidence of hard usage.
The next onslaught was upon brace OF baked fowls
which were disposed of in true military style; the
wings being made TO advance first, and the main
body TO speedily follow. MEANWHILE the lighter
ticles of food had not been neglected. several plates
of asparagus, dish or two of radishes and proper
ton of pies and cakes which stood near, had disap
peared, as if by magic. The waiter had worked
himself into profuse perspration in answering the
demands for coffee and he handed Fac the six
teenth cup he precipitaely left report the strange
dongs within. The landlord hurried to the scene of
operations; glance sufficed to reveal to him the
tent of his calamity. FAC just attacking round
of multon with evident symptoms CT renewed APP
petite, when the host arrested his attention by de-
handing if the gentleman would not have some cider
hoping by this ruse, TO delay operations against the
Aforesaid leg of mutton, at least until the arrival of
the other eight customers who were momentarily eX
pected to appear. Our hero was TO be caught in no
such trap therefore, without dropping knife fork,
he gave decided negative 10 the enquiry, stating
that he never drank cider until half done.
This too much for boniface, and in despera-
lion he ierked forth the identical half dollar received
of Smith, informing his guest that he was welcome
TO that, and all he had eaen if be would take his
cursed presence from his sight Fac assented to the
proposition, coolly hrusting the money into the depth
of his breeches pocket remarked, with wicked
leer, that ga dinner was dinner,' and that if he
could not be accommodated there he could elsewhere
and thereupon left. At this moment, a new light
burst upon the landlord; he comprehended the affair
at once, and clearly that he had been most vii
lanously SOLD.
OF man residing in New England town, at
some distance from near relative, received mes