Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1851-05-21
MISC L l. l. A n Y :
FROM THE COLUMBIA BANNER.
NEWSPAPER AGENT TO AN EDITOR.

Mn Dear Sir Il have just returned from
a tour through this State, and proceed tc
furnish YOU with an account of my labors
and their success. | have been gone fol
three months, and assure you, IN all slncer-
itv, that am fully satisfied. You furnish
ed me with list Of one hundred and sew
enteen owing subscribers, as you will recol-
lect. | have called on one hundred and
four of them, and have the honor OF paying
over to your order three dollars and Twelve
and one half cents, being the amount tc
which YOU are entitled. return you the
list, numbered l to III, and now give you
the reply of each.
No. lis a minister. He says IN the
first place, he never got one half of the num-
bers, "a lie according to the account OF the
Postmaster,) and in the next place your
ioker's column was too scurrilous. He can't
think of aiding to sustain paper that adj
vertises horse races and gander pulllngs.-
Besides, he knows from one OF your edlto-
rials that you drink, and paying you would
only be the means of your ending your days
in the kennel. He wonders at your impu-
dence in sending him his bill after publish
ing the account of the great prize fight be-
tween Left Handed Smoke and Battering
Bill. He wants nothing to do with you
never wants to hear from you again.
No. 2-Is in Jail for debt. He has not
seen half dollar fora year. Says he would
paw with the utmost cheerfulness, if he only
had the money, but had to borrow shirt
to put on last Sunday. Admires your pa
per wonderfully, and hopes you will contin-
ue sending it to him. He wishes you to
take bold stand in favor of the abolition
of imprisonment for debt, as he thinks it
would be a popular move with gentlemen in
his situation. If you send him any more
papers he hopes you will see the postage is
paid, as otherwise he viii be unable to enjoy
your lucubrations. Sends his best respects.
No. 3-Is young Doctor. Says your
paper is beneath the notice of gentleman.
Wouldn't give a - for cart load. Says
YOU inserted an article rejecting on the pro-
fession. Only wishes he could catch you
here-would make you smell powder. Is go
ing to persuade every body that takes your
paper to stop it, Cuss'd your bill, and
says you may collect it in the best way you
can.
No. 4-Is an Old Maid, Says you are al
ways taking fling at single ladies OF an
uncertain age. Wouldn't pay you if she
was rolling in wealth and you hadn't cash
enough to buy crust of bread. Sent all
the papers she had back month ago, and
says now that she don't owe you anything.
Says she is even with you. and intends to
keeps so till the day Of judgment. Asked
me not to forget to tell you that you are no
gentleman, or you wouldn't undertake to
slander large and respectable class OF the
female population of the country.
No. SIS gambler-a sporting gentle
man. Says he got completely cleaned out
last week at the races. Couldn't accommo-
date his grandmother with a halt-dlme II she
was starving. Likes your paper tolerably
would like it better if you published more
races and would occasionally give an &C
count of a cock-hght. Liked the descrip-
ton of the prize fight amazingly-it redeem
ed multitude of your faults. Hopes you
won't think hard OF him for not paying you
now-but has got prospect of soon having
some loose change, as he is after rich young
green horn who arrived here last week.
Will pay your bill out Of the pluckings.
No. 6-Is an old drunkard. Hasn't got
anything, and never expects to have. Cath
cred up all the papers he had and sold them
for half-pint of rum, to the doggery-keeper,
to wrap groceries in. Wishes you would
send him pile, as they cost him no post
age, his brothcr-in-law being postmaster,
and permitting him to take out his papers
for nothing. Winked at me when | presen-
ted your bill, and inquired if l wasn't dis
tant relation of the man that butted the bull
off the bridge.
No. 7-Is magistrate. Swore he nev-
er owed you cent, and told ME l was a
low rascal, for trying to swindle him in such