Grand River times. [volume] (Grand Haven, Mich.) 1851-18??, 1851-11-26
A QUAKER JUMPING A DITCH.

HSD, emma ana eartnenWare, clothes ana all
sorts of liquors. He was somewhat Of an old
bachelor; and had sister somewhat of an old
maid. But she was the best creature alive,
straight as a candle, blooming as a rose, and
smiling as charity. Her name was Dorcas.
Hezekiah and Dorcas walked out one Sunday
afternoon in the blooming month of May, to
breathe the fresh air and view the meadows
The walk was smooth and delightful, with no
manner of obstruction, except here and there a
ditch, full Of water, spanned by few bridges,
and too wide for any man of ordinary jumping
capacity to cross at q single bound But Hez-
ekiah valued himself, as fat people commonly
do, on his agility, and instead of walking few
additional rods for the sake of bridge, must
needs leap every ditch he came to.
"Thee'd better not try that, Hezekiah," said
his kind and considerate sister
"Never thee mind ,Dorcas," returned the BROTH
er, "there's no danger. I've jumped many
ditch when was not half my present size"
"Al that's very likely; but recollect thee's
grown exceedingly pussy since thee was
young man."
"Pussy? Well, If have, that's no reason
why should not be as agile as before. | tell
thee, Dorcas, can jump this ditch without so
much as lifting finger"
Gay, but theell touch thy feet to the bot
tom."
"Thee's but a woman, Dorcas, and thy fears
magnify this narrow ditch to a river. Now stand
thee aside, that may have full sweep according
to my abilities"
"Nay, brother, thee'd better not. The ditch
is wide and the bottom muddy; and thee'll
surely spoil thy Sunday clothes, if nothing
worse"
GA fudge for thy fears, girl they shall not
stay me jot Nay, do not hold me- for | am
resolved to jump this ditch, if it was merely to
convince thee of my agility"
Accordingly Hezekiah went back few yards
in order that he might have n fair run, and that
the impulse might carry him over. After re-
treating far enough, he came forward with II
momentum proportioned to his weight and ve-
locity, and-found himself in the middle of the
ditch. The water spashed around on all sides
and he spattered the Sunday clothes of Dorcas,
who could not with all her Quaker sobriety and
kind feelings, help bursting into loud laugh.
There was Hezekiah displaying his agility, and
in the mad like whale. The wa
ter was not so deep as to be dangerous, and the
scene was too irresistably comic for even saint
to abstain from laughing, even though on the
Lords day.
At length, when her visibility would allow
her the power Of speech, Dorcas kindly held
out her hand and said" Come hiher, brother,
III help thee out"
"Well, well" returned the founderer in n
tone of vexation; thee does well, Dorcas, to
stand there and laugh at me, as though it were
mere sport to stick in mud up to my very mid
de-"
"Nay, brother, thee has shown thy agility so
that could not help being pleased
for the life OF me, and now take shame to my
self for having single moment doubted thy
capacity for Jumping. But if thees satisfied
with thy exploit, and ready to come forth, I'll
lend thee hand to help thee out"
Thus SAYING, Dorcas drew near to the edge of
the ditch but Hezekiah, having got himself in
by his own unaided power, declared he would
get himself out the same way. But the mud
was deep and adhesive, and as fast as he got
one foot out, he got the other in, and thus he
continued TO labor and plunge till he was fully
satisfied his own ability was better calculated
to keep him in, than to help him out Of the
ditch. He grew wroth and used hard words,
and so far forgot the plain language that he eX-
claimed, "by the"
"Don't thee swear, brotherw said Dorcas.
"Swear!" roared Hezekah, "thee'd swear
too, if thee was in here"
"Swear not at all, but even lend me thy hand
and I'll use my ability to pull the out, according
to the scripture which saith, eff thine OK or
ass fall into ditch on the Sabbath day"
"Now, sister Dorcas, thee is too bad Veri-
ly thee would not make me so heavy as the for
mer animal, nor so stupid as the latter"
"As to thy weight" returned Dorcas, thee
must be pretty well satisfied by this time-as
for thy stupidity, it were indeed unsisterly to
liken thee to the long-eared animal. Butif thee
is satisfied on these points, and will forthwith
reach thine hand, I'll do as much as in me lieth
to bring thee safe to land"
Hezekah was pretty well convinced that his
own ability would never fetch him out where
fore, humbly reaching his hand to Dorcas, he
said:
"Verly, sister, / will accept thy aid, inasmuch
as nv own ability hath grievously deceived me-"
Dorcas kindly lent him her assistance, and
pulled vigorously Hezekiah at length came to
land. and shaking off the mud and water like n
spaniel, he returned home, but charged his sis
ter by the way never to mention how he came
to his catastrophe. Dorcas promised, Of course,
and as she was a girl Of truth and kind feelings,
she was as good as her word. Carpet Bag.
How TO CURE CoLD.--Of all other means
of curing colds fasting is the most effectua.--
Let whoever has cod eat nothing whatever for
two days, and his cold will be gone, provided he
Is not confined in bed, because by taking no car
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