The Minnesota pioneer. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn. Territory) 1849-1855, 1850-03-20
THE LIFE OF NAPOLEON,
IN QUARTER OF AN HOUR.

About ten years ago the following bnr-
lesque narrative was performed as an inter-
lude in a Partisan theatre, by clever actor
in the character of an old soldier of the en-
pire. 1t suffers Of course by translation,
and still more by being only read, while the
briskness, abruptness, and slang style of the
veteran are uneXhibited. 1t is nevertheless,
worthy of appearing even under the disad-
vantage of an English lress:-
Silence! and you shall hear all about Ma
pOleon-a famous individual, born i'll Cor
sica, little tail of a country, not two doors
from the sea, where the natives have a
fatigu,ng habit of assassinating each other
from father to son. His parents put him to
the military school-full Of talents-with a
little three cornored hat and his hands be-
hind his back-imitating already his por-
trait He worked so hard that his eyes
were hollow, and his face-save your pres
enc-the color of nankeen breeches. When
the masters of the school saw this, they said,
There's youth who has real taste for
the artillery Presently, having pushed
his way at a very young age, behold him
general VERY thio-always very thin, but
with long hair-ah, such long hair, to be
sure! The government of that epoch,
which was composed of five individuals,
adorned with feathers, sent for him and said,
'Now, then, my good little man, you see the
thing is this-you must start for Italy,
where the Austrans are playing the deuce at
forty sous head, and give them such a
shove that the devil would take arms for it.
When he heard all that, says he, with that
funny hair and yellow face, sAgreed-say
no more' and away to Italy-the country
of vermicelli and fiddle strings. He cross
ed St. Bernardo great mountain, very
high-three times Montmartre, where
there is famous hospice kept by the monks.
Here are poodle dogs, charged by the gov
ernment to 60 and scrape for individuals
under the snow. 1t is great philanthropy,
that same, on the part of these poodies.
For my part have no talent that way; was
not bred to the business small enough; one
must be caught young for that 'ere profes-
sion. Once in Italy, he did serve out TO the
Austrians such pounding! and returned to
Paris with millions of Thousands of colors
and glorles-to fill the Invalides. Stop a
bit-our little friends off for Egypt. All
ye gods, big and little, my good triends-a
nasty territoy that Egypt ESQ said my cous-
in Baptiste, drummer in the S7th, now
getting on with wooden leg) a country OF
l6O degrees of heat in the middle of winter,
and nothing to drink but fine sand-fne,
! fine, fine sand-and crOcOdiles walking
about like good citizens, and swallowing
up Christians with their arms and baggage
according to the botanists.' Oh dear Inc,
/ there are neither inns nor straw in nature
and then the old broken pillars past service
and huge vagabonds Of sugar loaves all in
stone, where them there folks keep their
kings fresh, which is great satisfaction in
that country, enamlneled all over with cam
els and dromedaries. 1t was then that the
Mamelukes had the pleasure-that is, all
that were not so unlucky as to catch can.
non ball-to be drowned in the Nile. Ma
poleon, who was then Bonaparte only, whei
he saw that grand infusion of Mameiukes
said, sIs it not delcous?' Back he came to
France, leaving behind him one Genera
Kleber, who found himself assassinated one
day by a villain thereabouts, who was re-
quested to be seated on bayonet, which j:
the way they guillotine individuals among
the Mohammedans. Then Napoleon mar.
ried his wife, a beautiful woman-very
beautifnl-full Of good qualities, and mucf
sweetness-all along of having been born
in Martinique, the country, you know, o
sugar canes. Next you have him at tn.
enemy, banging away at Eylau, Friedland
Austerlitz. The DEVILS in the man-wha
q country dance! and what rascals the van
quished! all foreigners! and all speaking
German! For my part l cannot compre
hend how they manage to understand
each other, Says Napoleon one day, all t
himself, says he, Let me think now littl
moment-lf ] should happen to die, who
to take the reins Of government? ! am We
ry sorry, because as how you see, Jose6n
is my wife, and have the highest consid
Grafton for her; but mon Dieu! mon Dieu
the empress is so well on that she neve
can make me the least in the world pres
ent Of small king of Rome. My position
is of extreme triviality.' Well, off he goe
to the emperor of Austria, who had a Ion
queue, and said 70 him, The public de
mands that have one Of your daughters
with whom am much taken-no matte
which, The emperor Of Austria, think
ing him good looking chap, with a goo
place, gave him his daughter entirely.
In a quarter of an hour Napoleon wcr
to take walk in Russia with eight bun
dred thousand clever lads; but he met sue
thief-like cold-cold that froZe the yer
fire, and which was only little warmed b
!. the burning Of Moscow. After burnin
their town from top to bottom, the enem
somehow or other contrived to come I
Paris, and had the audacity to say-th
gascons ns!-that they had conquered u
Just then our little usurper, finding all tn
. world in passion with him, uttered thes
ever-memorable words I'm OFF, and so too