Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1850-01-18

From the New Orleans Delta.
MIKE Hooters Bar story.
A YAzoo SKETCH.

ShOarfng hoaO the Bear outtc1tte0 Ike t1dn0ertiH
It's no use talkin said Mike, bout your Polar Bar
and Grisly Bar and all that sort er varmont what
you read about. They amt no whar, for the big |
black customer what circumloeates down in our neck
% woods beats em all hollow. I've hearn of some
monsos explites kicked up by the brown Bars, sieh
as totem off yoke O oxen and eatin human raw,
and all that kind thing; and Capen Perry tells us
a yarn bout big white bar what muses. hisself eli
min up the North Pole and sldin down agin to keep
his hide warm but all that amt circumstance to
what I've Saqc.
You see, continued Mike, there's no countin' on
them varmonts as rs ben usened to, for they comes
as nigh bein' human critters as anything ever see
what doesn't talk. Why, if you was to hear any bo-
dy else tell bout the bar-ghts Eve had you wouldn't
b'leeve 'em, and if wasn't preacher couldn't
never lie none I'd keep my fy-trap* shot tell the
day of judy ment.
I've hearn folks say as how that Bars cant think
like other human Critters and that they does all the
sly tricks what they does from instink. Golly what
lie You tell me one of em don't know when you've
got gun an when you aint Jist wait mint, an
my privit 'pnion is when you've hearn me through
you'll talk tother side of your mouth.
You see, one day. long time ago. fore brooches
come in fashion, made pointment with Ike Ham
berlin the steam doctor, to go out next Sunday to
seek whom we couldn't kill Bar for you know ba-
con was skace an SO was money, and them fellers
down in Merchandising wouldn't sell tick so
we had to pend on the varmints for Twin.
Speakin' of Merchandising, the people down in
that mud-hole amt to be beat whar this side O
Christmas. I've hearn o. mean folks in my time an
I've preached bout 'em few; but ever sense that
Teller Bonnet sold me pint of red eye whiskey-an
half ov it hacker uce--fur skin, an then guy
me brass pickayune fur change, I've stopped talkin
Whv that chap was closer than the bark on a hick-
Dry tree an eff hadn't hearn Parson Oily say so
I'd ov swor it wasn't er fac, he was cotch one day
stealin acorns from blind hog. Did you ever hear
how that hoss-fy died? WE'LL never mind. 1t was
too bad to talk bout, but heap too good fur him.
But that amt what was spoutin' bout. AS was
sayin afOre, we had to pend on the yarmints fur q
Twin. Well, Ike Hamberlin, you see, was always
sorter jubous O me, kase kilt bar nor he did
an, as was sayin', made a ointment with Ike to
go out huntin'. Then, Ike, he thought he'd be kin
der smart and beat {" Old Preach" as them Cole
boys usen to call me J So as soon as day crack, he
hollered up his puppies an put! l spied what he
was bout, fur hearn him larfn' to one O. his Mig
gers bout it the night aforeso told my gal Sal to
fill my privit ticker full O the old raw, and then
fixed up an tramped on arter him, but didn't take
none O my dogs. Ike hadn't got fur into the cane,
fore the dogs they gin to whine an turn up the har
on Their backs; an bime by, they all tuck'd TAIL an
sorter sidled back to whar he stanin s' Sick
him " says Ike but the cussed critters wouldn't hunt
q lick. soon diskivered what was the matter fur
kalkilated them o hisn wasn't worth shucks in
a bar fight-so knowd thar was bar bout, if did
MT see sine
Well, Ike he coaxed the dogs, an the more he
coaxed the more they wouldn't 60 an when he found
some O the hardest names you hearn, (sich as
90 son-ofer-btch'' an SIGH lke,) but the tarnation
critters wouldn't bulge peg. When he found they
wouldn't hunt how he could fix it, he begin Gus
SIM He didn't know was thar. If he had er sus-
picioned it. he'd no swore than he'd or dard to
kiss my Sail er washin day for you see both on
US Belonged to the church, an Ike was class
leader. | thought should fummuxed The dogs
they sidled back an Ike he cussed an | lay down
an rolled an laughed sorter easy to myself till
full thought should er bust my biler! |
never emmy thing funny in all my life! There
was layin' down behind log, fit to split an there
was the dogs with Their tails the wrong eend down,
an there was Ike rarln an er pltchin'-er rippin
an er tarrin-an er cussin' wus nor steamboat
capn tell you it fairly made my har' STAN on eend
never see er customer riled afore in all my born
| days yes did too, once-only once. 1t that
Teller Arch Coody what usen to oversee fur old Ben
Roach Didn't you know that ar hoss-fy! He's
few we'll he is Jewhilliken, how he could whip er
niger! and swar !! whew! Didn't you never hear
him swar tell you, all the sailors an French par
rots in Orleans amt er patchin to him. hearn him
let hisself out day, an pledge my word he
ed huff to send twenty preachers like old Joe Slater
an Parson Holcom an them kind er Judases right
kerlumpus into hell-an' what was wus, it was all
bout nothin', fur he warnt mad wrinkle. But all
that amt neither here thar But, as er say
in afore the dogs they smelt bar sine an wouldn't
bulge peg an arter Ike had almost cussed the bark
offn dogwood sapln' he stanin' by, he lent his
old flint lock rifle up agn it, and then he peeled off
mischief was er cumn fur never see a critter show
wrathy like Ike did. To recly I see him walk down
to the creek BOTTOM bout fifty yards from whar his
gun was and then he gin pickin' up rocks and sling
in 'um at the dogs like bringer Cracky didn't he
link it into 'um! 1t minded me O. David whalin'
Goliah it did If you'd er seen him, an hearn them
puppies holler, you'd er thought he'd er knockd the
hine sites off n every btch's of 'em But that
amt the fun yet. While Ike er lammn the
dogs hearn the allfredest crackin in the cane, an
II looked up and thar of the eternalest who'll
lopin bars cumin crack crack through the cane an
kersosh over the creek, an stopped right plumb slap
tup agin whar Ike's gun To rcctly he TUX hold
er the ole shooter, an thought see him tinkerin
bout the lock an kinder whislin' an BLOWN into it
was stonished, tell you, but wanted to see Ike
outdone so bad that lay low an KEEP dark, an in
bout mint Ike got done ickin the dogs an went te
: git his gun. Jeemeny, crimny If you'd only bin
: Whar was l do think Ike was the madest mar
that ever stuck into tree for his har stuck
rite strait up and his eyes glar'd like two dogwood
blossoms But the bar didn't seem to shucks fol-
him. for he is sot the ole rifle rite back the sap
linz and walked off his hine legs jist like any hui
IS man. Then, you see gin to get sorter jealous
o SEE to myself Mister Bar, seq l. the place whal
you's stanin amt prezacly healthy, an if you dom
wabbe off from thar purity soon, Misses Bar will be
wilder, by gum! With that Ike grabbed up oil.
e Misses Rifle and TUX most perticker aim at him. an
by hockey, she snapped! Now seq l, Mister Bar, g,
It it, or he make bacon of you But the varmnt die
MT wink, but stood still post with the thumb
IS his right paw the eend of his sme1er and wiglin
his tother fingers thus-and Mike went through will
l. the gyraton All this time Ike he stood thar like
fool er snappin and snappn, the bar he lookil
, kinder square like, out the corner O his eye
IF sorter larfn at him. To recly Ike take dow
It the ole shooter and kinder kersamne the lock, al
y when he done that, he laid her his shoulder al
p shuk his fist at the bar and walked toard home, al