Republican vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1857, 1850-03-11
THE VISITED VOTER,
A STORY OF BORING CANDIDATES
FOR OFFICE.
BY PETER TIMSON.

BY PETER TIMsoN.
A correspondent of the New Orleans Delta
furnishes the following clever hit ut travelling
candidates for office:
ONE day just as l was going to sit down to
dine on q nice fat capon that my wife had laid
upon the table, 1.-THE capon WAS just large enough
for her and me- and | had pulled the cork out
OF a cool bottle OF claret, a man walked up the
gallery steps, hat in hand, bowling and Sinking,
and says he "Good day, sir-this is Mr.. Tim
son, l believe, sir! ayes sir, that's my name;
take a seat, sir." :'Thank you, Mr.. Tiimson,'
said he, laying his hat one side, and planting
himself in a chair with an air that showed plain
Y enough that my fat capon was in danger.
Every warm weather, sir,o said he. "Very,n
said /. Shall Trouble you for a drink Of wa.
ter ~ said he. ooh, no trouhie,' said I. "Here,
Polly" said |, speaking to a negro girl, ego set
the decanters upon the sideboard walk il, sir,
and take something to stimulate the system.''
"Well, really, | hardly ever drink anything"
said he. ooh, it won't hurt you, SIR" said |,
walk in, walk in" He did walk in, and as he
passed the table, he cast an eye upon my capon.
Mrs. Timson saw the glance and turned pale
not that my dear wife begrudged the capon, but
she knew that there was not enough for three,
and there was no time to cook another. He
took a stiff horn, and then turned round and told
me that his name. was Grimpkin, and that he
was a candidate for the Legislature. | told him
| was glad to make his acquaintance, and intro
duced him to Mrs. Timson, who told him that
she was very glad to see him, (poor woman, she
told a white one that time, but | hope God will
forgive her Tor tin fuct | feel certain that lie
Will, tor she was driven to it you know, and |
invited him to sit down and eat. Mrs. Timson
excused herself with the plea that she had to 90
out and attend to a negro child that had Just
been taken sick, (may the guilty-that is, the
candidate-sufier for that sin, too, as am con-
tdent it will be the case, and left us to divide
OH mush and milk Very little Of that capon
did eat, and very little of my cool bottle of
claret passed my lips; had MIR. Grimpkin's horse
ted, too, and ne kept me up after dinner, talking
about what he meant to do when he got into the
Legislature, whilst ! would have given more for
my after-dinler nap than l would for all his
principles and brains put together. l didn't
promise to vote for him, but limited very strongly
that way. The fact is, l never heard of him be-
tore. Well, he went away, and | lay Town on
the gallery and went to sleep.
had gone or into a deepand glorious snooze,
and was dreaming that a huge monster with
forty heads Ton each of which was a brass GIN
let, a Ia rh,noeeros) had been announced as a
candidate for all the offices within the gift of
the people, when Mrs. Timson, (who would no
more have disturbed my siesta on ordinary &C.
c%asions, than she would have cut off her little
finger tickled my nose with feathers, and | a.
woke in a very bad humor. "D--n it all, Mrs.
Timson, my dear ~ said I, starting up and rub
blng my burning eyes, "what the devil did YOU
disturb me for eh, Mrs. Timson 2" SOh, don't
speak SO loud" said she, in a whisper, there's a
gentleman sitting in the parlor--another candi-
dafe.V mt nm a Ca!0o o,rptop,poa ,pl ,,c11,
ed In, and there sat an intelligent, bright look
ing young man, whom saw at a glance was a
gentleman disguised as a candidate. He rose
up and apologized very gracefully for having
disturbed me, and told me that he was a candi-
date that memorable custom compelled him to
visit the people; and that he wished to occupy as
little OF their time, and give them as little trou-
BILE as possible. Sir said !, with fervor, YOU
shall have my vote-you are a man of sense
you are a gentleman, [ see that Notwithstanding
your disguise, and I'll vote for YOU, sir What
are your politics, & for what office do you run!n
He explained it all, and after l had pressed him
to eat a little dinner and refresh himself at the
sideboard, he left. | advised Mrs. Timson to
have some cspons always dressed and some
claret always cooling and it was well | did so.
That night three candidates slept at my house;
one was running for Justice of the Peace, one
Tor Constable and one for Congress. They dis
cussed the affairs of the nation with considera-
Bile warmth until midnight; the constable candi-
date getting father the best of it, as Mrs. Tim.
son and | both thought, and then went TO bed:
the whole three being, as | thought, land Mrs.
Timson remarked the same thing rather tight.
The next day seven candidates visited nv
house, and ate with me, and four more slept in
my beds, therefore hey slept two in a bed. A.
bout five minutes after | had conducted the new
conner to the room where the one candidate was
abed, | heard a tremendous racket; loud voices;
a crashing OF furniture; a falling of bodies; and
such cursing and swearing | never before heard
IN my mouse. | ran to the room; at the door
stood the two candidates, in their shirts, look
ing at the scene of destruction. "Why, Mr..
Timson," said one, "why did YOU put those
two men to bed together ? Why, sir, they are
both running for Clerk, and they are just as hos
tile towards one another as two men can be ~
| looked into the room, and there stood Mr..
Squirt, with one of Mrs. Timson's beautiful pie.
cies of crockery held aloft in hi. hand, like dove
posing a thurlerbolt) ready to descend mon
the head of Mr.. Spots, who held up as a shield,
the cover of the same vessel They had already
broken the looking glass, bureau, had demolish-
ed two chairs, and torn the musquito-bar to
shreds. Mr.. Squirt brought the spacious mouth
Mr.. Spots very small head. The bottom flew
out, and the milk-white vessel rested upon Mr..
Spots shoulders, encircling his neck and chin
like the rntfle OF a Spanish Hidalgo in the time
OF Cortez. The bridge of MIR. Spots nose was
badly skinned by the descent of the vessel. !
in stopping the row, and, after two
hours spent in writing and accepting challenges.
and drinking my old rye, the parties shook
hands and Went 10 bed together.
To expect to be great without having enemies,
is to expect trees to shed their fruit without be-
ing "Pelted." For bringing mans intellect
out, there is nothing like a little wholesome a.
btse. Without the Edinburg Review, Byron
would never have got above mediocri,y in his
Never condemn yohr neighbor unheard, how
ever many the accusations which may be prefer
RED against him every Story has two ways of
being told.
~ "Seventy-ive cents per gal p exclaimed
NI.-