Portage sentinel. [volume] (Ravenna, Ohio) 1845-1854, 1850-05-13
Cousin Sally billiard.
BY HAMILTON c. JONES

CN/ OCEHU. f
A bea-dless disciple of Themis rises
and thus addresses the court: ''May il
1 please your worship, and you gentlemen
of the Jury, since it sheen my fortune
(good or bad, will not say, TO exercise
myself IN legal acquisitions, it has never
befalen me TO be obliged TO prosecute sc
dire(ul; so marked and malicious an assault;
a more wilful, violent and dangerous bat,
terry, and finally, a more dabolic breach
ofths peace has seldomahappened in a civ
ilized country, and \ dare say ii has sell
dom been your duty to pnss upon one 50
shocking sb benevolent feelings as this
which took place over at Capt. Rice's in
this county. But you will hear from the
/ Witnesses" -s t
The witnesses being sworn, two or three
were examined and deposed-one said that
he heard the noise and did not see the fight
another that he seed the row, but didn't
know who struck frs,-and third that he
| was very drunk and couldn't say much
about the skirmish. 49,. .
Lawyer Chops.-I am very sorry,
gentlemen, to have wasted your time with
the stupidity of the witnesses examined = 1t
arises, gentlemen, altogether from misap.
prehension on my part. Had known, as
| now do, that had a witness in attend
ance, who was we'll acquainted with the
circumstances of the case, and who was
able % make himself clearly understood by
The court and jury, | would not so long
have trespassed on your time and patience.
Come forward Mr. Harris, and be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fiat,
shuffy, old man, leetle corned, and took
his oath with IN air.
Chops. = Harris, we wish you to tell
US all about the riot that happened the 9th.
er day at Capt. Rice's, and as good deal
of time has already been wasted in circum-
locutlon, we wish you to be compendious,
and at the same time as explicit as possi-
ble."
Harris. 'Edzackly, ,"-giving the law
yer knowing wink, and at the same time
clearing his throat-"Capt. Rice, he gin a
trent, and Cousin Sally billiard, she came
over to eur house, and axed mo if my wife
she moutn't. 60. told Cousin Sally Dill
lizard that my wife was poorly, seeing as
how she had the rheumalics in the hip and
the big swamp was up for there had been
n heap of rain here lately, but howsomever
as it was she, Cousin Sally billiard, my
wife she mout 60. Well, Cousin Sally
billiard then axed if Nose he MOUNT 60.
| told Cousin Sally billiard that Nose was
the foreman Of the crap, and the crap was
smarily in grass: but howsomever rs it was
she, Couin Sally billiard, Nose, he mout
go" se.s ,.----z.-
Chops In the name of common sense,
Mr.. Harris, what do you mean by this rig
marole?'
Witness--Capt. Rice he gin treat,
and Cousin Sally billiard she come over
to our house and axed me if my wife she
MOUNT go, told Cousin Sally billiard
Chops. Stop, sir, if you please, we
don't want to know any thing about your
Cousin Sally billiard and your wi(e-tell
US about the fight at Rice;s
Witness.-We ell, | will, sir, that is, if
YOU will let me. ~.
Chops.-Well sir, 60 on.
Witness.-Well, Capt. Rice, he gin a
treat, and Cousin Sally billiard, she como
over to our house and axed me if my wife
she MOUNT go ~,s -4e ....at.
Chops There it is again, witness,
please to stop.
Witness.-Wel sir, what do you want?
Chops.-We want to know about the
fight, and you must not proceed in this i'm
pertinent story. Do you know any thing
about the matter before the court? ,:-
Witness.-To be sure do. .--
Chops. Well, you go on and tell it,
and nothing else.
Winess.-Well, Capt, Rice he gin a
treat
Cnops.-This is intolerable. May it
please the court. move that this witness
be committed for a C ontempt::- he see ms 10
be trifing with the court. .-as h.
Court.-You are now before court Of
Justice; unless you behave yourself in q
more becoming manner, you will be sent
Jail; so! begin and tell what you know
about the fight at Capt, Rice's.
Witness. alarmed: )-Well, gentlemen,
Capt. Rice he gin treat, and Cousin Sal.
ly billiard
Chops.-[ hope this witness may be or.
dered into custody.
Court (after delberating).-Mr. Attor.
ley the court is of the opinion that we may
save time by telling the witness to 20 on
in his own way. Proceed Mr.. Harris, with
your story, but stick to the point.
Witness. Yes, gentlemen; well, Capt.
Rice, he gin treat, and Cousin Sally Dill
lizard come over to our house, and axed me
if my wife she mout 60. told Cousin
Sally billiard that my wife was poorly,
being as how she had the rheumatics in the
hip, and the big swamp was up; but how
somever, as it was she, Cousin Sally Dill
lard, she must go. Well, Cousin Sally
billiard then axed me if Nose, he moutn't
go. told Cousin Sally billiard as how
Nose he W as the foreman of the crap, and
the crap was smartly in the grass, but
howsemever, as it was she, cousin Sally
billiard, Nose he mout 60. And they
went' and they come to the big swamp, and
it was up US l was telling you; but being
as how there was log across the big
swamp, cousin Sally billiard and Nose,
like genteel folks, they walk ed the log, but
my wife, like darn'd fool, h'isted her
coats and waded right through-and that S
all / kno,o about the fight