The southern press. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1850-1852, 1850-10-24
Married Lie.
rwo SIDES OF The fIcTyRs.

. rWo SIDES OF The FIcTyRE. a
We find running the rounds of the press TIVE
, tender domestic complaints, the one that Of q
: husband the other that of wife. They are
very truthful to nature-more so than most
married people would admit--ppd placed in
JuXtaposition, are ludicrous enough to provoke
the mrth of the two parties in the domestic
state OF which they are the type and the sam
pler:, ......a... - ..
THE MARRIED MAN.
Hang the women! They are always frettinr
about something or othcrl Yesterday the coal
wouldn't burn and the crate must be set and
the furnace must be repaired; and mercy knows
what all; and to-day it's as hot as fire. Save us
from the wants of an inconsiderate woman
Only let her get the upper hard and she'll drive
like biazes. But won't be driven. Not |. If
she wants the door fixed, or wood dried, or wa
ter brought, or the eech set, or the tubs hoped,
she may do it herself Confound it. | can't
go into the house but what something is want
ing. Ii 1t isn't one thing it is another. Ill
leave my boots IN the parlor every night, if
have Il mind, and she may help herself See il
don't Wen see who will be master. Be-
fore we were married it was-"if YOU please,
my DEAR" But cracky--if her tone hasn't
changed. She shall and shan't from weeks end
to weeks end, if venture to put in a word edge
wise I'm shut up by her Internal chatter. Talk
about late hours; / could stay out once until
broad daylight and she too if the party was
agreeable. But now if | chance to attend the
club but once week, there is pretty muss d.
rectly. And don't ever think of her Ora
cious me wish could forget her for five
minutes just to sec how it would SEEM If a
man says word he is set down for ninny.
He must grin and bear it if it cuts ever so close.
And oyster suppers. Wonder if she don't like
oysters! Tell me about the propriety of sitting
down to the breakfast table with her hair I'M
combed. Once she was all curls and Smiles
Now she's slatterny as washer-woman. Hang
the race. They ought TO be indicted for OBJ
tanning husbands under false pretenccs II
they'd only show out, the men wouldn't be such
grudges, no. But no they'll smile and shark
and twitter, until a fellow is fairly cut, and then
Jupiter if they don't haul down their colors.
And then the baby tending. It's worth for.
tune to hear the squalIing brats night after night.
/ Group or chollc is the eternal complaint. If
had my way I'd shake the cholic out of lhem in
a hurry. But no; they must be dosed with
punk and ans, and onions, and the deuce knows
what and trotted until their gizZards are fairly
shaken out and then if any one is to be kept
up, why Slocum can set up it won't hurt hi y.
I'm done with it; won't that's fact. What's
that you say! Mended my pants and four
/. new shirts and neck cloth? Well, declare
Mrs. Socum is clever after ALL If she didn't
scold so likc-but no matter, | know | provoke
her, I'll own up-rll--
The remainder was lost in something like Il
kiss. Five shirts must have done t-tor Slo-
cum forgot to swear when asked to tend the
baby.
THE MARRIED WOMAN.
Yes, it's 60, go, 60, and get, get, for every
body on earth but ones own wife, IF | should
ask Mr.. Slocum to go out at such Il time Of day,
for pail Of water, or basket of oranges, dive
think he'd GO! Not he not he--I mig ht want
one while and take it out in wanting. Or
anges, forsooth. Twas only yesterday | asked
him to call at Williams for Charley's shoes
Wouldn't you like to have heard him scold,
though If he didn't turn up. Always some
thing wanting. Wished he could 60 to the
store and back without calling for dozen arti-
cles And when he came in and put them on
Charleys feet, slapped him for crying because
the pegs hurt him. Poor fellow, he liulpcd
round, till his father went and pulled them off
the pegs were an inch long at the least calcula-
ton. And now. just because Mrs. Brown hints
at n water pail, he's up and off in minute
e Why couldn't Brown go Just as though hel
own husband wasn't good enough to wait up
5 on her. id show him the difference if was
Brown. a pretty how dye do we shall have
Of it, if things 60 on at this rate. I'll ask
Brown to do my errands and see how he
likes it.
If the girls only knew But no, they won't
believe word of it. "Dought wit is the best if
you don't get it too dear"
Dear! ] wonder what some folks call dear.
There's Nelly BLY,. You may talk to her till
next July and she won't believe it. But she'll
learn lesson for herself she'll not forget very
soon.
? III were a girl again wouldn't change my
condition in u hurry Not |. There was Slo,
f cum, always ready to run his legs 'uf'-but now
hell 90 sooner for that Mrs. Brown than for
' his own Res! and blood
But iii pay him, see if don't. ] wont get
him mouthtul of supper. He may get his
vetuals where he does his work. See how
he'll like that If should do So; always try
ing to please other folks husbands instead Of my
own-we should have a pretty kettle Of fish.
There's Willie he's leased for an orange these
three days, and not the peel of one has been
seen yet.
There he comes putting Ikea steamboat
If had sent he wouldn't been back these two
hours. Calling at Mr.. Browns too. If il
amt enough to vex a saint. I'll tell him III
n quit-rl-but no, he'll like that too well. The
brute.
= won't please him so much I'll stay if il
kills me, and Willie shall have an orange if he
wants it, and no thanks to him either. There
he comes again, and both hands full. Wonde
: what he's got now, and who he is running for
r Coming through the gate, and yes-both peck
: cts full of oranges. The-dear soul
knew he wouldn't forget his own children
! Won't Willie have good meal? And, vii
:. yes, he shall have mullins for supper.
a That's all we heard dear reader, for when
s Socum opened the hall door, Charley, Willie
: and wife, all went out to meet him, and get some
Of those same oranges.
Mrs. SIocum did get supper, and Slocum had