Staunton spectator, and general advertiser. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 183?-1849, 1849-06-27

An exchange contains the following directions to
the people who make ihemselves generally USE
ful' at fires;
The moment you hear an alarm, scream like pair
OF Pan'hers. Run any way except the right way,
for the farthest way round is always the nearest
way to the fire. Ii you happen to Iun on top of
wood pile, so much the BETTER you can then get
good view OF the neighborhood. II light breaks on
your view "break" for it immediately be sure
you don,t Jump into show window. Keep yelling
all the time and if you can't make night hdeous
enough yourself, kick all the dogs you come across,
and sci them yelling too. Twill help amazingly
brace OF cats dragged stairs by the tail wound be
a"pOweriul auxiliary" When You reach the scene
OF lire, do all you can 10 convert it int scene of
destruction. Tear down all the fences in the vicin-
ity. lfi,be chimney on fire, throw salt down it;
or II you can't do that throw salt on rats tail and
make him run up. The effect will be about the same
II both be found impractcabe, a few buckets of wa
ter, judciously applied, will answer almost as well.
Perhaps the best plan would be to jerk off the pump
handle and pull down the chimney. DON'T forget
to yell all the time, as it has prodigous effect in
irigh'lng of the fire. You might swear little too
II you can do il scientifically. The louder the
better. OF course and the more ladies in the vicin
ny the greater the necessity "doing it up brown"
should the roof begin to smoke get to work in good
earnest and make any man ''smoke" that inter
rups you lfitis summer, and there are fruit
trees In the lot, cut them down, to prevent the
fire from roasting the apples. DON'T forget to
yell Should the stable be threatened carry out the
cow chains. Never mind the horse--heI be
alive and kicking-and if his legs don't do their
duty, let them pay for the roast. Ditto as to the
hogs-let them their own bacon or smoke for it.
When the roof begins to burn, get crow-bar and
pry away the stone steps, if the steps be of wood
procure an axe and chop them up. Next cut away
the wash boards in the basement story-and if that
don't stop the flames, let the chair boards on the
first floor share similar fate. Should the devour-
ing element still pursue the even tenor of lis way,
you had better ascend the second story Pitch out
the pitchers, tumble out the tumbers. Yell all the
time If you find baby abed, fling it into the Sc
cond story window Of the house across the way but
let the kittens carefully down in a work bssket>--
Then draw OUT the bureau drawers and empty them
out OF the back window, telling somebody below to
upset the sop barrel and the rainwater hogshead at
the same time. or course you will attend to the
mirror. The further il can be thrown the more
pieces will be made. Ifany body objects, smash it
over his head. Keep yelling! DO not under any
circumstances drop the longs down from the second
story-the fall might break its legs and render the
poor thing crippled for e set it straddle of your
shoulders and carry it down carefully. Pile the
bed clothes on the floor, and show the spectators
that you can "beat the bugs'' at knocking bed
stead apart and chopping up the pieces. BY the
time you have attended to all these things, the fire
VIII certainly be arrested or the building burnt down
In either case your service will be no longer needed
and OF course you need no futher directions.