Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1849-08-24
From the Washington Unien.
THE GRAND TOUR.

minutes" .'ss Shakespeare.
"Pa, where is Eastern Massachusetts 7"
ss Why, my son, Eastern Massachusetts, is east
of Western Massachusetts, South Of Northern
and North of Southern Massaehu-
sets and is bounded on the east by the ocean,
and on the west by the land, on the north BY Cape
Ann, and on the south by Cape Cod, and is
great place for notions and fish !"
g Oh! ah now / know all about it."
Mrs. TTim6le's Conversations.
When Queen Anne, assisted by the Great
Duke of Marlborough, visited her loya. sub
ects at their hearth stones, and rufalized in
the rural districts Of old though not so gerry
merry England, the people forgot many other
faults in gazing upon her fair countenance,
and in beholding the glittering gewgaws other
courtly train.
The celebrated meeting between the sover-
eigns of France and England upon the field
of the cloth of gold at an earlier period. tick
led the national vanity of both Mr.. Bull and
MIR. Johnny Chickencock, and pleased the
eyes of the tax-ridden millions who were per-
mitted to behold the gorgeous array of scrofu
la, dust, and drapery that passed along in the
shape of {" the nobility"
The Second Washington, reposing upon
his laurels, and tired of hearing the cabinet
squabble about the appointment of laborers
and messengers on the ground floor ofthe Re-
public, has determined to take snuff of pure
air with the god-like man by his eel-pot and
=" chickerg' in the neighborhood of romantic
Marshfeld, where the grasshopper sings in
the dusty salt meadow, and the gray gull
screams mournfully TO the everlasting roar of
the breakers.
We understand that the Hero is bound to
{" Eastern Massachusetts. 1t is true, he will
pass through Pittsburg, and Buffalo, where
my lord Fillmore lives, first, and will enter
the old Bay State in the county of Berkshire,
the westernmost point of Massachusetts,, but
will only viSit Eastern Massachusetts,. Those,
therefore, who see him at Pitsburg and Buffa-
10, and all along shore, before he gets to Ply
mouth rock, may just consider that he has
passed along incidentally, bound elsewhere,
and with no intention of visiting them.
We know the Hero is to start, from the fol-
lowing communication addressed to us, sealed
with green wax, and brought by special
messenger in the shape of a curly headed pat
riot from sour plantation in Louisiana
HEADQUARTERS. EXECUTIVE CHAMBER,
Eight Bells, Midnight, August 8, 1S49.
DEAR HEROIC AGE: Having ordered fast,
which we kept with one eye open upon bacon
and collards, with little 81 cent whiskey,
we have determined to make grand tour, af-
ter the manner of our iIlustrous predecessors,
and damn the expense.
Having made our trusty and we'll beloved
servant Jacob Collamer, who applied for a
bureau and got department, and who is there
fore ours unto the death, to be our sworn in
terpretcr on this northern tour, we have de-
termined to Gbdicate temporarily from the chair
Of Washington, and leave our illustrious friend
and most patronising servant Thomas Ewing
to sit in our place, sign our name, and exer-
else all powers OF grace and mercy possessed
by us during our said abdication.
Knowing your love for Thomas, and fear
ing his ambition, which is a terrible growing
thing, we have deemed it 10 be our duty to re-
quest you 10 spill his wind occasionally and
if you can SILVER his miZen once or twice a
day, 10 do so IN our name, and for the benefit,
as Cicero says, of "E Flurrybus Unicorn"
and the rest of the revolutionary worthless
1t is solemn thing to travel in great coun-
try with short legs and long stirrups upon a
horse not fitted to our constitutional paris
We have, therefore, taken our learned friend
and capital adviser Old Whitley along with us,
keeping his tall as usual, for fear of accidents,
done up in curl papers, and trusting our fate,
as we have done, to luck, Heaven, and the
universal whig party ''Qui tam etan1 on1ni-
busque." which being interpreted, mean Damn
all The omnibuses, and look we'll to your
breeching"
Should Clayton, who still keeps the Intelli-
gencer as his special organ, notwithstanding
we have made the Republic, as far as the
binding is concerned, our organ, kick in the
traces and take the studs. as he is very apt to
do when we are away, you will administer to
him four of the pills which we now enclose
to you, marked No. 1, g confidential medi-
cihe' The box is one of a set used by our
blue-light friend, Truman, during his sickness
here last year. which reduced him in size and
increased his per diem: and as it is not quack
medicine, why, if it is too much for him, it
will be all right for, as the law says, &c Sc
cundum artem excissoris exalto P d. O."
which being iu;erp' eted, means, "he who
kills another according to law, raises soul 10
Heaven innocently in a very short time.''-
Should, however, his disease show but slight
symptoms, and his appetite remain good, per-
haps the milk toddy diet will be sufficient,
with occasionally little motherwort for
drench
AS we intend to paddle in lake Erie, we
have sent Butterfield along as courier, to
prepare the way for us and answer all ques-
tons that the people put to us during the tour
in that quarter We mean to have the
" brown-cheet-us" (bronchitts) while we are
absent: and this, with the spring halt in our
tongue, and other natural in6rmities, we think
will be sufficient for our apology in keeping
silent before the people. Those, therefore,
who ask us questions. may consider them
selves answered beforehand; and if they want
anything further, they must look to Butter
field and Collamer for '' when we go
eating we go a catting,' and nothing else
Should the Canadian authorities ask us any
questions about "procity and reciprocity"
we shall refer them to Clayton-the potato
rot being the only thing that we care know
ing anything about in Europe. Should
anything go wrong while we are absent, you
will despatch our beloved friend and trusty
messenger MUD to Us, with your jack knife;
but be sure and not write anything, for we
have determined to read nothing while we are
gone By this means we shall get rid of
Father Ritchie's comments upon our course,
which trouble us some when we read them,
especially when we have made a s' fox pass.''
And now, dear Heroic Age, don't make
fool of us during our absence. We said when
we were nominated for the chair of Washing
ton, that we were not tit for it, and ought not
TO have it. but the people thought strangely
upon the subject. and put us in; and now we
are in, it amt the clean thing for you to keep
sticking straws in our sore eyes and putting
borax on our ulcers, even for our good. Hav-