The daily crescent. [volume] ([New Orleans, La.]) 1848-1851, 1848-03-08
MIR. and Mrs. Timms-or the Miseries of Marriage

caiis very NICE young man. Joseph was chief
clerk in second-rate fancy dry-goods store before
he was married, and prded himself much upon the
tie of his neckcloth and the unspotted purity of his
character and linen. 1t was a delicious sight TO
see him when he cut off quarter of ward of
satin, or wrapped up small bundle of calico for
one of his lady customers He would pull down
one end of his snow-whe shirt collar twiteh his
neckcoth, and then pursuing up his mouth in the
sweetest manner possible, inquire, g Men, what
shall | have the pleasure of showing you to-day
We have just received oar fall stock of goods from
New York and Paris, and assure you it is really
superb. Will you allow me TO show some of the
samples to you, Mem! !"
For hours Joseph would go on in this manner
caioling this one and hattering that one. When
| ever lady came in who was dressed in widows
weeds,' Joseph made it an nvariable practice to
wipe his left eye with the corner of his white
pocket handkerchief, and place his features in a
position suitable to the air of the Light of other
Days. or thatswee lyric executed by the literary
| father of Mi boy entitled Long time ago.
Joseph judged mortals by their dress but, alas
| poor fellow, how much he mistaken the sequel
will show. Joseph was partial to wdows-''young
| vldders," as the junior Mr.. Weller would say--but
he bowed like sensitive plant whenever he had TO
| sell spool Of cotton or a yard of cambria to a
blooming lass of sixteen. On such occasions he
to put his scissors in the wrong pocket lose
| his yardstick under pile of dry goods, and not
| unfrequeny endeavor to dip his pen into a bolt of
| black ribbon instead of the inkbottle When an
| old lady came III, however, the case was entirely
| different, for then Joe would assume paternal air.
and in the voice of WHO had Just lost his
mamma, inquire, in solemn voice, Madam
| what can do for You to-day9 In this manner Joe
had played the hypocrite for nearly ten years. and
had gradually arisen, technically speaking, g from
skein OF thread to hank of silk from the
humble shop-boy with patched breeches to the
fashionable young clerk, who sported fine black
cloth coat and Il gold cha in week days, and
Went down to the Lake in a cab on Sundays
1t was beautiful morning, about two years and
| three months ago. The ladies fitted about the
the streets like many butterflies, and their para
soils ,wayed to and fro, and dandling this way and
dandlng that way, seemed like gay flowers gently
swept over by a coy wind. 1t was, indeed, q morn
on which to make love, and it took but one hour
and aquarter to seal the fate of Mr.. Timms.
young lady entered the store, and while
Joseph was inspecting piece Of bobinet, she asked
him if he had . any gimp bonneis for sae9" The
ZONE in which that single word, 50 gimp was
spoken reverberated through Joes heart like a
strain of music, and for moment he thought of
nothing but honey, stars dew-drops, warm ice
cream, lighted chandeliers and wedding rings.
The gimp bonnet sold at price far below cost,
and Joe insisted on taking it home himself. Two
weeks after that Miss Julia Riggs CHANGED her
name for that of Mrs. Julia Timms During the
honeym it was my daring Joey and my
sweetest Julie - in about a month afterwards it
was " dear joe and g dear Julia and {. month
after that ii was & Joe, and Julia" Well if
things went on this way at the commencement,
what must the state of things have been two years
afterwards. As professor Mawom would say,
shocking to behold" Night before last, Mr..
Joseph Timms came home ''v very much how came
you So" Mrs. T. sat the fire rocking pair
of twins, in cradle, with one foot, while she
patty-caked, patty-caked bakers man,, with the
other, in order TO keep them from alarming the
neighborhood.
Mr. Iimms.-IIome early to-nght-ain't /!
How S babieS-got over that, a-What-d ye-cal-it,
.yet-hey?"
Mrs ItmmS.---(Covering her face with her
hands and rocking with redoubled violence
E:.Youre a brute Timms-that you are ~
Mr.. T. looked la Pythagoras to find whether
he was indeed changed from biped to quadr,l-
ped, and then with spasmodic effort sad a'int
no brue-I'm "a
Well, what are you then, you beast - inquired
Mrs. T., getting very much excited.
Mr.. T. placed his thumbs into the armholes of
his Waistcoat, and hiccupped, ''Im neither beast
or brute--I nj ic)-a-(hic)-a Spectator p
Mrs. 7, pursed up her mouth and said contemp-
luously, you speeulator9 ha ha ha You're
pretty SPECTATOR ~
'Well | say am, and never-(hic made but
bal IA IT
exasperated tone.
And how vas that Mr.. Tmms-I beg pardon,
the Hon. Mr. hmms-how did You make the bad
speculation--pray, do inform me -
" Made the worst spec-.d-n baddest spec in all
my life in getting YOU answered Mr.. T. doggedly.
You ought to be ashamed of YOURSELF you vii
liam you, to talk so before your own chidren--I-I
Il Here Mrs II. sobbed as if her heart would
break, and rocked the cradle to the tune of Lucy
Long"
cob, talk before my own Children replied Mr.
T. with a sheer and hiccup Well, that's rich
Do you 'spose them babies can hear-look out
you'll have them in the fire presently, and then
-(hic)-you'll be taken up for arson'
u wish you we're
"You needn't mind that, Mrs. T., wish YOU
were in the place" said MIR. T. with fend-
ish smile.
There-youve woke the Children said Mrs.
t. Historically, g and you know there's no pare
goric in the house -
g Early to bed and early to rise is my motto,
and if you amt got no paregoric give em some
castor OIL lamp oil or pepper vinegar-rm goin
to bed -
':Oh Timms when I'm dead and gone you'll
think of all this. TO think that J. who stopped to
marry you--you-and who are you!''
'Who am % inquired Timms with drunken
leer-'' who am II Why I'm a-(hic)-I'm a
speculatorn'
SO saying Mr.. T. turned himself over i'll bed, and
with his nasal organ played an accompaniment to
the shrill pipngs of the twin Timmses, while Mrs.
T., . like Niobe all tears had recourse to very
mYsterions looking black bottle. from which she