Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1848-03-31
I1SgGIIANs S0Uga
Sam CrOOkshank, or the Medieated Axe.

| Sam Crookshank was his mothers pride
and fathers grief. Having no taste for study
or work, he commenced the character of a
gentleman. How well this character sat up
on him, the honest people of the heighbor-
hood in which he resided, can best tell i; and
they aver, in the homely language of the
place, that it fitted him like shirt on a hoe
handle
But the condition of gentleman, however
desirous 1t may be in several respects, is not
entirely free from miseries and vexations. It
is expensive, without being profitable and is
apt to produce envy, without gaining respect
At least such is the case in the country, where
the people get their living by the sweat of the
brow, or by some active business or profess
sion. But among other troubles which gen.
tility brings, is that very prevalent disease
called Dyspepsia.
/ Sam Crookshank proved that he had at least
one title to the character he had assumed-he
was wofully troubled with the dyspepsia. He
grew pale and wan his cheek bones, which
had ever been a most prominent part of his
face, seemed to project farther than ever; his
under lip, which was naturally one of the
rather pendant sort, now hung most lacka-
daisically down; and his callper legs, which
were never the least noticeable part of his per-
son, began to bow out, if possible, more than
ever
Sam said the wondering neighhors, what
the torment ais you? you look for all the
world as CHASTITY and wo-begone as Decem-
Der ghost
live got the dispepsery replied Sam.
The dispepsery = said farmer Wbipple-
tree, with look of contempt what might
that be !"
) 'What mought it be?' returned Sam why
if you do not know what the dspepsery is,
you're no gentleman
L hope not, in all conscience replied the
farmer, but should like 10 know what sort
OF thing this is you call the dispepsery.'
'Why, it's kind of a-sort of a complaint.
'Umph SO it appears
It's kind of a--soIt of a-as it were-a
queer feeling, which never felt in all my
life, until became gentlemanp
It's right down gentleman's complaint,
!; then But what is it lke?'
; Like why its like 10 make notomy of
/, me, if don't git better of it pretty SOON
You'd make a monsrous pretty notomy,
wouldn't you? But how does your gentility
complaint feel :?
Why, it makes me feel all over solemcholy
and down-in-the- mouth like, as if I'd lost all
my friends In short, Mr.. Whippletree. IFS a
kind of a-sort of an affection of the stomach
; and indigestble noggins, as it were"
The complaint is in your noggin, Eve no
doubt said the farmer, pointing to his head
at least it began there-but can cure your
stomach for you, if that's all you want
Cad p exclaimed Sam, can you cure it,
though? pom my soul, I'd give any body
, the promise of a thousand dollars in minute
that would free me from this dreadful dispep-
sery.-1t's the only drawback as 1t were to
f gentility.'
'Pn cure you of both, your gentility and
t your dispepsery too, if you'll follow my ad-
, vice.
Couldn't think of it, no how at all return
ed Sam, pulling up his false collar about his
ears like the life of a gentleman, all out.
if could only get rid of the plaguey dispep-
seTy.'
GO to work, you lazy varmunt'
TO work Oh no, Mr.. Whippletree,
couldn't think of that-couldn't, 'pon my soul.
I'll take But as for work, I've put my veto
on that long ago.
Then give you up for one of the DEVILS
incurables,' returned the farmer, and left him.
> Sam resorted to variety of means to cure
his complaint. He ate largely of mustard
8 cayenne pepper, horse radish, and other sharp
and powerful condiments-pushing. them to
such an extent, that his mouth burnt like fire
= and his eyes watered again. At the same
time he fed enormously on beef, cabbage, and
turnips; and topped off with an apple pud-
ding. He also added little whiskey to his
, meals, by way OF, corrective to the sad condi-
] ton of his stomach But it all will not do
] The strong condiments and the whiskey, al
v though they helped him to the destruction Of
+, no small quantity Of beef, cabbage, and other
t matters, did not in the least aid his stomach in
e converting those things into good chyle, fol
/ the support and nourishment of his gentleman
fy person. On the contrary, they rather ten
: ded, in the end, TO render his complaint wors:
= and worse.
4 He next had recourse to all the root doctors
: and doctresses within fifty miles, He took
likewise all the patent medicines he could
hear of-the panaceas, the catholicons, anC
the infallible specifics. He even took news
paper for the sole purpose of reading the ad
= vertisements of new and important medicines
. . and the certificates of wonderful cures done
and performed through the agency thereof
= But, after all, poor Sam-or Gentleman Sam,
as the neighbors called him-had the dyspep
STA as bad as ever.
. But though he most heartily hated all stu
: DIV, and from his soul eschewed reading il
q general ne dCClOenlIy ueEVeu one duFd htdS'
:. from taking a newspaper In looking, al
usual, for infaIlbIe cures, his eye CHANGED Il
meet with the following recipe, from DowI
East paper:-
Take o. Camphor, OF. Myrrh-pul
verize and mix them together. Then bore {
= hole in the upper end of an axe helve, suffi
cient TO contain the mixture, which put IN am
# stop close. When this has stood 26 hours il
: a warm place, it will be fit for use
a Such was the substance of the Eastern re
y cipe But the manner OF using it Sam did no
e much admire 1t was no other than this
e namely, to get up every morning before tn
d sun, and use the axe-beginnIng moderated.
J. at first and increasing the exercise by degrees
l. until the heat produced by his hands shoul
!" dissolve the mixture within the helve; which
oozing through the wood, should enter tn
pores Of the skin, and so diffuse itself thToug
his whole frame, adding new life and vigor t
: his enervated constitution.
"A murrain take the work = said Sam,
)'twasn't for that, shouldn't mind takln' th
medicine at ALL
Is He debated with himself for some day
> what to resolve upon. Though he dislike
;" the mode of taking il, he had full faith IN III
medicine, as he mad in all sorts of newspape
recipes His father advised him by all mean
to take it and SC likewise did farmer Whip
pIetree, and the rest of his acquaintance
The neighbors wished. above all things, t
J. see Gentleman SAM brought to labor agar
>, If could only get the ingredlencieS int