Juliet signal. [volume] (Juliet [i.e. Joliet], Ill.) 1844-1???, 1848-01-18
PATENT SERMON.
BIZ DOW, JR.
On Modern Gentlemen.

lfthey but own full 1.-THE ofgold,
III And wear costly suit.
MY HEARERs-when we come to sort
out the vast heap belonging to the he Gre
alton, we find that three seDerate and dis
tinct piles are necessary to be made viz.
one for the common rubbish, of loafers;
another for the spurious gentlemen, man.
utactered by tailors; and another for the
real Simon Pure gentlemen, wrought from
heavens best material by the all skilful
hand of Omnipotence. This last heap is
always great deal smaller than the 9th.
er two. but when placed in the scale of
real worth they will weigh down five
hundred just like them; and it is upon this
principle alone that u pound of lead is
heavier than pound of feathers. The
drunken good for.nothing loafers are no
gentlemen at oil, any how you can fix it.;
and those who are tinkered up of broad.
cloth, buckram, finger rings. safety chains,
soft solder, vanity and impudence, are no
gentlemen either, no more than plated
spoon is solid silver throughout. They are
only so called by the foolish votaries of
fashion-intended as cheat and dead
suck-in for the worlds great market.
Why, my friends, they are mere walking.
sticks for female flrts, ornamented with
brass heads, and barely touched with the
Narnish of etiquette. Brass heads, did
say! nay-their caputs are only half ripe
mustmelons, with monstrous thick rinds,
hollow within, containing the seeds of
foolishness swimming about in vast
quantity of sap. Their moral garments
are double. breasted coat of vanity, pad.
ded. with pride, and lined with the silk of
urbanity; their other apparel is all IN
keeping, and imported fresh from Devil,
Beebzebub & Co.'S wholesale and retail
ready made clothing establishment. Be-
meath these trappings of superciliousness
and folly may be found hearts, rotting in
the scum of RIGHTEOUSNESS, and as much
blacker than the inner surface of a steam.
boat pipe, as chimney sweep is bIacker
than the midday sun in the heavens.
And yet these overblown bladders of in.
iqutous shows are called gentlemen! If
/ thought that | numbered any of these
goats in my flock, would preach them
out ofthe synagogue quicker than ever
chased squirrel down a hickory
tree. But let them travail off with their
high.heeled boots Of self consequence: let
them carry their bundles of dry goods
down the Broadway ofperdition: let them
flourish for time. like poisonous weeds
upon a dunghiIt: let them spit upon lhe
poor begger, and kick his dog, as he sits
perishing at the golden gate of opuIence:
let them 60 so all-detying stiff that they
can't bend, like young sapling, to the
gale--and they will find, that, should the
storms ofpenury beat upon their beavers,
they will snap as short as pipe stems. and
the starch will evaperate from their dick.
eys of pride in the short space of no time
at all. These storms will most assuredly
wash out the gravel from the foundations
upon which their humbug qualifications of
gentlemen rest, and down they will fall,
10 be reared up again only by the hands OF
propitious fortune. Yes, my friends,
say let them go about thrusting their
spurious certificates ofhonor in the face
of plainclad honesty; but when they are
laid low in the dust of servile dependence,
then, | guess, they will find out, for Ger.
tainty, that they are the veriest vermin
that ever besli med the paths of decent
society.
My friends-T shan't NEEDLE with the
women in my present disc curse, because,
they were never intended to be gentlemen.
Suffice to say, that every female is lady
in the parlor, and pot-sluer in the kitch.
en-, according to the opinion of mankind
generally. But will tell you what a
real gentlemen is. He is humble, char.
table, philantnropic, honest, upright man,
which you all know is Coos noblest
work. He wears the ermine robe of truth,
and his jewels are his own good name;
he weeps over the widows as they weep
over the new made graves of their hus
bands; he teels for them Tin his pockets)
when they. are compelled to gnaw the
dry crusts of adversely; he pitche0 pennies
into the laps OF bare footed orphans, and
pays the same respect to a dog with a
muzzle on his nose as to one with gold
ring about his neck. He puts no molas>
ses on his tongue to attract the gilded
flies OF fashion, nor wounds the innocent
breast with the barbed arrows of SANDER.
He venerates the grey hairs of age, and
leads little children by the hands along
the fiowery paths ofvirtue. He is grave
with the grave, and gay with the gay but
never burns his nose in the fiery cup of
dissipation, nor muds his trowsers with
the filth of lewdness.
Like myself he dresses plain, neat
and simple, and takes more care to adorn
his Immortal mind with the laureIs of
learning than to rip up foolishIy that clay
built tabernacle. the body, which to. day
is, and tomorrow is mingled with the
common rubbish of oos1L