The examiner. [volume] (Louisville, Ky.) 1847-1849, 1848-07-22
,.e m.ae, unshelor.

4
'ahe meaei Bachelor.
Tnr sicprL BACHELOR lives in Cham
bers. lie is waited upon by nm old laun
dress who lives he scarcely knows where.
He sees her once a week, to pay her her
wages; but hears her every morning putting
his room TO rights. He rises late. He Is
skilful in lighting the fre-his practice gen.
orally of morning. He understands the
principle Of boiling kettle, and can cook
a chop without burning his fingers. He
bears all misfortunes with equanimity, and
goes out without an oath to take his break
fast at coffee shop, il he is ''out of tea.
lie is not astonished If he finds no loose sill
ver in his trousers, after they have been
brushed. He has lost the keys OF his draw
ers. His tea.caddy is, also, open fIom
morning to night, the lock being, like his
means, dreadfnlly hampered. He is GER
tain about the number of his shirts. He
has not seen a button for years. He can
not tell who drinks the grog, or what be-
comes Of all the empty bottles. He won-
ders who has taken his Waverly Novels,
excepting the second volume OF the Pirate.
He is only allowed one pair of boots per
diem. II he wants clean pair, he must
clean them himself, or wait till the follow
ing morning. His washerwoman mends
his linen--at least she charges for it. He
takes everything spontaneously, but is a
little put cut il he finds he has left his latch
key in his ether coat, and that he cannot
get in. He is little ruAled, also, when
he discovers the laundress has not made his
bed-on christmas day, FOR instance. He
plays only two instruments-the flute and
the corneta-piston. He is much sought
after in society, and is great diner-out. He
can tie his handkerchief in hundred DIFF
erent ways, and cuts an orange into the
most impossible patterns. He is a good
hand at carving, and rarely sends goose
into the opposite lady's lap. He makes ex-
cellent rabbits on the wall to amuse the
children, and allows them to climb up his
knees, reckless ofhis trousers, and hang on
his neck without q groan. He shines most
at supper party. He brews bowl Of
punch, and mixes lobster salad better than
any man-so he says at least. He sings a
good song with noisy chorus, and makes
speech without being ''anaccustomed TO
public speaking" He runs through per-
sons health neater than anybody else, and
serves up toast in a most glowing style,
but does not stuff society with nothing else
all the evening. lie is amiable to the fair
sex, and hands cups Of tea and glasses Of
negus, without splitting them. lie is in great
demand as godfather, and keeps silver
mug on hand, ready for the occasion. He
enjoys his comforts and doesn't dine at home,
for he has no cook. He studies his ease,
but Jumps up readily on a cold morning to
open the door, if the knock is repeated more
| than three times. He knows where the best
dinners are to be had about town. and is in
innate with the shops for the best meat, the
best FISH, the best game, the best cigars, the
best everything. tie walks up the stairs oil
his chambers in the dark, without falling
or tying at the wrong door. He prides
himself on knowing good glass Of port.
lie is the fayorite stalking horse of the hus-
bands, who are out late but they are sure to
have been with him. Every "glass too much
is put down TO him; every visit to the docks;
all the half-prices at the theatre; all the din
ners and suppers, no matter where, are al
his persuasion. The wives, consequently,
bear him no great affection, and generally
convey their opinion by coupling his name
with the prefix THAT" very strongly ilali-
cised. His good humor, however conquers
them, and he is welcome at every family
table. He sees everything, is seen every
where, and scarcely cares anything for any.
body-excepting himself. His great object
Of life is enjoyment, and he succeeds TO his
hearts content.
Suddenly he is missed. He is not seen
for weeks. He is entombed alive in his
dreary chambers with the govt, and only
his laundress to tend him at distant intervals.
The long days, the never-ending nights, the
racking pain, the cross cid woman, who
makes favor of everything and is grateful
for nothing, the want of comforts, the utter
homelessness Of the place, strike chill to
his heart, and he would willingly give all
his past enjoyments for one kind voice to
cheer him, for one person whom he loved
to be near him. He rises from bis bed an
altered man. He finds out a young niece
whom he has never seen. He buys house
and gives it to her, to allow him to live in
it. She nurses him in all his sickness, and
bears all his ill.humor. He leaves her his
little property, is as kind to her as the govt
will allow him to be, and is lamented at his
death by one person at least.-Thus lives
and dies the MODEL BACHELoR.-Punch.