The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1848-11-17

Of incre asins his responsibilities with fam
ily Of children.
He is always Coming! coming!' but ra.
ther like the auctioneer, ne is always Go
ing! going gone1 for he no sooner jerks ont
sComingp than he bolts out of the room.
Ask him for his name. II is 'Bob,' or
Charles The Waiter never has q sur
name. He takes his dinner how he can,
OF the sideboard, or chair in the passage.
If he is very busy, he has no dinner a: all.
He approaches his plate to steal a muuthfnl,
when fifty shouts of 'Waitarv call him
away. or many conteniing cries, he at
tends to that Of money first.
The Model Waiter never says l. lie is
quite editorial, and always says Fe-as,
'He're very full at present, sir. We had
two hundred diners yesterday, sir, and three
hundred and thrty-fve suppers. I've con-
sumo one hundred and sixty-uinc rabbits
regularly every night, sir,' He puts Sir
on to everything, and an odd penny, if the
same comes to an exact shilling. 'Chupy
yes, sir, sixpence. Potatoes? yes, sir, tup-
pence. Beer? exactly sir, tuppence: and
Bread? yes, sir, makes tenpencs: and tup-
pence makes thirteenpence--procise one
and a penny, SIR His favorite word is
'nice.' lie recommends "a nice chop with
nice glass of half-and- half or he says,
sYou'll find that nice glass of port, sir , or,
Tt's the incest breast he ever saw lie
can anravel the mysteries of BradShGw,
without turning over every one of the tables
two or three times: and he knows all the
play bills Of the evening by heart. He new
CIR calls slice Of Stilton "a cheese
He is impartial in the distribution Of the
paper anu gives the middle sheet invaria
bly, to him who has eaten the most dinners
in the house. He shows no favor, either,
with the evening papers, but awards them
first to those who are drinking wine, TO the
spirits next, whilst to the beer he gives the
Supplement of yesterdays Times. His
shoes are perfect fellows, with upright heels,
and the strings are carefully tied and his
handkerchief so white, il would do credit to
pet parson in the heart of Belgrava. He
has everything in the house, till you cross
examine him, when the Everything sinks
down to mice chop or tender steak, SIR
The joint is always in 'very good CUT and
has only been up these two minutes. He is
mute for penny, says 'Thank We, SIR for
twopence, aud helpson your coat FOR every
thing above it. Politics have no charm for
him, and he never looks at paper excep.
ting when he is waiting for the last custom.
er, and is tired of killing flies. The only
news that interest him are the 'Want Places
and the pictures. Heis good-humored, and
laughs at any joke, even those Of Fast
Man. A stranger in his vocabulary is a
party He talks of persons according to
the boxes they tin, and cuts down all gen
tlemen TO gents He is not mean with his
mustard or the vinegar crIets, and does not
hide them in dark corner. He carries a
lofty pillar, quite falling tower of plates,
without dropping anything out of them, and
does not spill the gravy down an old gentle
mans neck. II anything is done TO rags, or
to a cinder, or under-done, or not done at all
If the punch is as weak as water, or there's
too much sugar in it, or it's as sour as pew
opener, he bears it all with vnruilled meek
ness, and only begins wiping eewn the table
with his napkin. " The wine is too old, or
too Young, or too :-uity, or too tawny, his
walters fine instinct tells him at once what
the gentleman will like, and he rushes out
furiously in walters gallop to get il, and
returns with something that elici!s tAh!l
that's just the thing However, as a gen
eral rule, the port has never been less than
ten years in bottle. The segars, too, are
imported direct from Havana, and cost us
full BIS. pound, sir. We do not clear a
farthing by them, sir.
The Model Waiter very seldom has no.
lyday. If he does, it is to see some other
waiter, or to help at the Freemasons', or to
assist friend at some grand dinner in 10.
bleman's family. His life vibrates betwee
the Kitchen and the parlor, and he never
sits down from morning till long past mid
night. He attempts to doze sometimes, but
the loud chorus Of I'VE won't 60 home till
morning! wakes him up, and he execrates
IN his heart the monster who composed thai
song; It must have been some wretch, he is
sure, who owed long score to an unfortu.
nate waiter, who had sued him for il. He
makes faint effort to turn of the gas, but
Is repuised with an unanimous call for smore
Kidneys 1t is not wonderful, therefo If
IN the morning he yawns over the knives
and forks, and drops several involuntary
tears whilst replenishing the mustard.pot.
Alter wearing out innumerable pairs of
shoes, testimonial is got up for the Model
Waiter by the Scents Of his ROOM and thew
present him with a fulllength portrait Of
himself, 'as slight token of their warm an.
probation Of his unfailing civlity, cheerful
demeanor, and uniform attention during a
term Of forty years. This testimonial rem.
resents him in the act Of drawing the cork
Of one Of the ten years. bottles OF port for a
party OF gentlemen who are sitting in a box
in the corner of the picture, and who are
portraits Of Messrs Brown, Robinson and
Smith. three of the Oldest chop. caters Of the
house 1t is hung in Offering frame over
the mantelpieco Of the room, in and out of
which he has been running Tor the last forty
years, and becomes the property of the cs.
tablishment, there being a special clause let
in the frame, that il Is never to be removed
from the room. The Model Waiter, how.
ever, has been saving little fortune of pen.
MES during his long career of chops and
steaks--his only extra agances having been
the washing OF his white handk crchiets and
Berlin gloves every now and then on state
occasions-and he purchases, in his grey old
age, the business Of his landlord, takes unto
himself the pretty barmaid as his wife, and
dies without having once been fined for
keeping open half minute after twelve OH
Saturday night, or serving n pint Of beer
on Sundays during the hours of divine ser.
vice. His portrait still hangs over the man.
telpiece as moral public house sign 10 all
future walters, that to become landlords.
they have only to keep In view the Model
Waiter.-Punch.