The examiner. [volume] (Louisville, Ky.) 1847-1849, 1848-10-07
Ihe BledeI waiter.

What time has he to make love, excepting
TO the cook, and she is hot-tempered and
cross, as all taven-coOks are and he has
Ear too many spoons TO look after, to think
of increasing his responsibilities with
family Of children.
He is always "Coming coming" but
rather, like the auctioneer, be Is always $40
ing going gone !" for he no sooner jerks
out Coming" than he bolts out Of the
room. Ask him for his name. IL Is
"Bob," or "Charles." The Waiter never
has surname. lie takes his dinner how |
he can, off the sideboard, or a chair IN the
passage. IL he is very busy he has no din
ner at all. He approaches his plate to
steal a mouthlul, when fifty shouts oil
''Waitar :" call him away. or many con-
tending cries, he attends TO that OF Money
first.
| The Model Waiter never says 4. lie is
quite editorial, and always says We-as,
"We're very full at present, Sir. We had
two hundred dinners yesterday, Sir, and
T three hundred and thirty-fve suppers. We
consume one hundred and sixty-nine rab-
bits regularly every night, Sir" He puts
Sir on to every thing, and an odd pen
: ny, if the same comes to an exact shilling.
q "Chop? yes, Sir, sixpence. Potatoes
r yes, Sir, tuppence. Beer exactly Sir,
tuppence; and Bread yes, Sir, makes ten
pence; and tuppence makes thlrteenPence-
!. precisely one and penny, Sir" His Ia
Y vorite word is nice. He recommends ga
nice chop with nice glass Of halfand-hali;
. or he says, "You'll find that a nice glass
e of port, Sir" or, "lfs the incest breast
!. he ever saw" lie can unravel the mystic
Y ries OF BradshaW, without turning over
every one of the tables two or three times;
p aud he knows all the playbills of the even
;. ing by heart. He never calls slice oil
! IStilton ga cheese"
III He is impartial in the distribution Of the
d "paper," and gives the middle sheet inva-
" riably to him who has eaten the most din
Al ners in the house. He shows no favor,
d either, with the evening papers, but awards
d them first TO those who are drinking wine,
D. to the spirits next, whilst to the beer he
ID gives the Supplement Of yesterdays Times.
htl His shoes are perfect fellows, with upright
~ heels, and the strings are carefully tied; and
Sc his handkerchief so white. it would dc
lir credit to pet person in the heart Of Bel
ur gravia. He has everything in the hous'
re I'LL you cross examine him, when tn,
ct Everything" sinks down to mice choI
n or tender steak, Sir" The joint is Away
tn in every good CUT and has only been u
al these two minutes. He is mute for a pen
n, ny, says Thank ye, Sir" for twopence
i'd and helps on your coat for every thing allow
,ut liz. Politics have no charm for him, AN
IS, he never looks at paper, excepting whel
ir. he is waiting for the last customer, and
nor tired Of killing flies. The only news tina
ey interest him are the "Want Places" an
ne the pictures. Ho is good-humored, an
ler laughs at any Joke, even those Of Fa:
,ur Man. A stranger in his vocabulary is
ny. party" He talks Of persons according I
ge! the boxes they sit in, and cuts down a
I'VE gentlemen to "gents." He is not mea
.ch with his mustard or vinegar cruets, and doe
nv not hide them in dark corner lie ca
III. ries a lofty pillar, quite falling -tower, {
Ny plates, without dropping any thing out (
not them, and does not spill the gravy down a
an old gentleman's neck. II any thing
TO done to rags, or TO a cinder, or under-don,
IN. OF not done at aIl--if the punch is as wea
- as water, or there's too much sugar in it,
art it's as sour as pew-opener, he bears it a
with unruilled meeknesS, and only begiI
mi. wiping down the table with his napkin.
ian the wine is too old, or too young, or tC
the fruity, or too tawny, his walters fine il
an stinct tells him at once what the genllems
Nm. will like. and he Tushes out furiOusly in
md walters gallop to get it, and returns wi
cry something that ELECTS, "Ah that's Just Il
the thing" However, as a general rule, d
nm! port has never been less than ten years
ing bottle. The cigars, too, are imported dire
sty from Havannah, and cost us full 32s.
pound, Sir. We do not clear larthiI
bod by them, Sir.
in The Model Waiter very seldom has
nee holiday. IL he does, it is to see son
his other waiter, or to assist a friend at son
grand dinner in nobleman's family. Il
,se- life vibrates between the kitchen and d
ex. parlor, and he never sits down from NOR
op ing till long past midnight. He attemT
to doze sometimes, but the loud chorus
.pe- 1--WE won't go home till morning :" wax
I'M. him up, and he execrates in his heart Z
monster who ever composed that song
1d's must have been some wretch, he is SUI
ing who owed a long score to an unfortuns
nee waiter, who had sued him for il. He max
ow. a faint effort to turn off the gas, but is
1. pulsed with an unanimous call for emo
,ere kidneys" II is not wonderful, therefor
yere if in the morning he yawns over the kniv
and forks, and drops several involun,s
"a tears whilst replenishing the mustard. pot.
had After wearing out innumerable pairs
shoes, Testimonial is got up for the Moo
, be Waiter by the "Gents of his ROOM" a
he they present him with full-length portr
Of himself, "as slight token Of their wa
ubt. appreciation of his unfailing civility, che
,ud- full demeanor, and uniform attention duri
rept a term Of forty years. This testimon
ND represents him in the act Of drawing
kul cork of one Of the ten years bottles
port for party of gentlemen who are silti
rec. in box in the corner of the picture, a
who are portraits of Messrs. Brown, Rob
son, md Smith, three OF the oldest oh
eaters Of the house 1t is hung in gltt
ing frame over the mantelpece OF the roo
% in and out of which he has been runni
for the last forty years, and becomes