The daily crescent. [volume] ([New Orleans, La.]) 1848-1851, 1848-09-29
VOLUME L.. NUMBER 178.
The Model Waiter.


time has he to make love, excepting to the cook,
and she is hot-tempered and cross, as all tavern
cooks are and he has far too many spoons to look
after, to think Of increasing his responsibilities with
a family of children.
He is always g Coming commingi" but rather,
like the auctioneer, he is always q Going going!
gonen for he no sooner jerks out COmingv' than
he bolts out of the room. Ask him for his name--
1t is Bob or Charles" The Waiter never has
surname. He takes his dinner how he can,
of the sideboard, or chair in the passage. IL he
is very busy, ne has no dinner at all. He APP
proaches his plate to steal mouthful, when fifty
shouts of WaitGr " call him away. OF many
contending cries, he attends to that of Money"
first
The Model Waiter never says l. He is quite
editorial, and always says We-as, We're very full
at present. Sir. We had two hundred dinners yes
terday, Sir, and three hundred and thirtyfive sup
pers. We consume one hundred and sixty-nine
rabbits regularly every night, Sir.' He puts
" Sir on to everything, and an odd penny, if the
same comes to an exact shilling. Chop! yes, Sir.
sixpence. Potatoes! yes, Sir, tuppence. Beer!
exactly Sir, tuppence; and Bread yes, Sir makes
tenpence; and tuppence makes thirteenpence-pre-
cisely one and penny, Sir" His favorite word il
"nice." He recommends a nice chop with nice
glass of hal-and-half or he says, You'll find
that nice glass of port, Sir; or It's the incest
breast he ever saw" He can unravel the mystic
ries of BRADSHAW, without turning over every one
OF the tables two or three times; and he knows all
the playbills of the evening by heart He never
calls slice Of Stilton I" a cheese
He is impartial in the distribution of the paper
and gives the middle sheet invariably to him who
has eaten the most dinners in the house. He shows
no favor, either, with the evening papers, but
awards them first to those who are drinking wine,
to the spirits next, whilst TO the beer he gives the
Supplement of yesterdays Times.
His shoes perfect fellows, with upright heels,
and the strings are carefully tied and his hand
kerchief so white, it would do credit to pet par
son in the heart of Belgravia. He has everything
in the house" till you cross-examne him, when the
everything sinks down TO " nice chop or ten
der steak, Sir" The joint is always in every good
cut" and has only been up these two minutes
lie IS mute for penny, says Thank We, Sir, for
twopence, and helps on your coat for everything
above it. Politics have no charm for him, and he
never looks at paper excepting when he is wait
ing for the last customer and is tired of killing flies.
The only news that interest him are the "Want
Places" and the pictures. He is od-humored,
and laughs at any joke, even those of a Fast Man.
A stranger in his vocabulary is party" He
talks of persons according to the boxes they sit in
and cuts down all gentlemen to gents" He Is
not mean with his mustard or the vinegar cruets,
and does not hide them in a dark corner. He car
ries lofty pillar quite falling tower of plates,
without dropping anything out of them, and does
not spill the gravy down an old gentleman's neck.
If anything is done TO rags, or to cinder or under
done, or not done at all-if the punch is as weak
as water, there's too much sugar in it, or it's
sour pew-opener, he bears it all with unruff1ed
meekness, and only begins wiping down the tables
with bis napkin. If the wine is too old, or too
young, or too ruity, or too tawny, his walters fine
instinct tells him at once what the gentleman will
like, and he rushes out furiously in walters gal
lop to get it, and returns with something that ELECTS
/" All that's Just the thing However, as q gen.
eral rule, the port has never been less than ten
years In bottle. The cigars, too, are imported di-
rect from Havana, and cost US full 32S. pound,
Ne Ia not oil ar a farfhi bU
The Model Waiter very seldom has holiday. If
he does it is to other waiter, to help at
the Freemasons or to assist friend at some grand
dinner in noblemaR's family His life vibrates
between the kitchen and the parlor, and he never
sits down from morning till long past midnight. He
attempts to doze sometimes but the loud chorus Of
g We won't go home till morning wakes him
up, and he execrates in his heart the monster who
ever composed that song it must have been some
wretch, he is sure, who owed long score to en-
unfortunate waiter who had sued him for it. He
makes faint effort to turn off the gas, but is
pulsed with unanimous call for "more kidneys"
1t is not wonderful therefore, if in the morning he
yawns over the knives and forks and drops several
involuntary tears whilst repenishing the mustard
pot.
: After wearing out innumerable pairs of shoes, a
Testimonial is got up for the Model Waiter by the
6 Gents of his Room" and they present him with
fulength portrait of himself, =" as slight token
of their appreciation of his unfang civility,
cne6rIut ueTeanOr, ana UNIFORM dIIenuOn curing
term of forty years" This testimonial represents
him in the act of drawing the cork Of one Of the
ten years bottle of port for party of gentlemen
who sitting in box in the of the picture,
and who are portraits of Messrs. Brown, Robinson
and Smith, three Of the Oldest chop-eaters Of the
house 1t is hung in glittering frame over the
mantepiece of the room, in and out of which he
has been running for the last forty years, and be-
comes the properly of the establishment, there be-
ing special clause let in the Frame that it is never
to be removed from the room. The Model Waiter,
however, has been saving little fortune Of pennies
during his long career Of chops and steaks-his only
having been the washing of his
white handkerchief and Berlin gloves every now
and then on state occasions-and he purchases in
his grey old age, the business of his landlord takes
unto himself the pretty barnaid as his wife, and
dies without having once been fined for keeping
open half minute after twelve on Saturday
night, or serving pint of beer on Sundays during
the hours of divine service. Hsportrait still hangs
over the mantelpece a moral public-house sign
to all future waters, that, to become landlords,
they have to keep in view the Model Waiter.
AN INCIDENT AT THE SUB-TREAsURY-A lady
and gentleman having passed through the upper
part Of the CustOmhOuse, examining the various