Southport telegraph. [volume] (Southport, W.T. [i.e. Kenosha, Wis.]) 1840-1850, 1847-11-24
ITEMS.

BY Yankee who, till the offer was made, had ne.
yer seen a word Of Greek in his life. He would
commences learning the language Immediately, TO
qualify himself for the undertaking, and would hn-
ISL the whole work quicker than any other person,
and bear off the premium.
No DouBr-The London correspondent Of the
Courier and Enquirer says:
Depend upon it, if the United States would as
sumo the whole Of the Mexican debt, they might
roast and eat the Mexican people without remon-
STRANGE from any one Of the vlrtuous and humane
courts OF Europe.
Barnum The great curiosity hunter is anxious TO
get an officer Of steamboat who was 10 blame for
a dreadful accident He calculates the exhibition
Of such r1onstrosity would make fortune
4 dealer in ready made linen garments in New
York, advertses his shirts and shiresses under the
elphoneous and gingerly aPpcaton of Male and
Female Envelopes.
An Trishman was arragnei before The court of
Special Session Yesterday and when asked If ne was
guilty or not guiltyl replied It's guilty am,
10 be sure, but am not ready for trial. have n I
my witnesses
A blacksmith named Osborne offered himself as
bail, at the court OF sessions for prisoner whose
trial was put Off till the next term. Are you sure
~ worth $500 above all your debts inquired the
recorder "Why sir, hold my vile ID be worth
$500 at least without counting property The
court is satisfied take his ball. replied the recorder
In reply TO " an Inquirer" who asks how he can
obtain the height of a tower without measuring It
the editor of the Irish Railway Gazette OF the 20th
OF August, answers Take any two rods OF equal
length place the short rod at any convenient distance
from the building, and the long rod at such dis
lance from It, that looking over the short rod to
the top Of the building, the top OF the long rod shall
cur the sight We do not follow the instructions
further because we believe that only in Ireland
short rod and long rod Of equal length are to be
found
A correspondent sends US the following -" The
gentlemen whose sayings are going the rounds IN
formed me that ne once assorted on dIsSotute
island, where the aboriginaLs who took him pension
sy were cannon balls but that just as ne was about
10 be roasted and eaten, he was rescued by an at.
tqcbmeht from his vessel.
DIAMOND cUr DIAMoSD,-A jeweler ofths city
who shall be nameless, was lately applied to by
nice looking man, TO make gold nng for him, ha-
wing N it blade very delicate and Keen concealed
except 90 A narrow scrutiny and opening with a
tprng. The bargain was made TO furnish it for
'auty dollars On the appointed day the purchaser
appe4red and paid the stipulated price, which was
iobbed very conplacently, and with air of high
satisfaction put it on his finger. The jeweler, of
course very lnnocently, asked what he wanted to do
with such article 10 which the reply was, to cut
open pockets with. All, replied the jeweier doubt.
lers in amazement, how can you do such things
with such an instrument and not be detected The
performer replied that his art consisted in diyerng
the attention of the people from every thing that
looked like design upon them-that he rubbed his
forehead, adjusted his hat &c. and that discovery
came too late. He then babe him good morning,
and went his way Shortly after the jeweler, as he
walked round the corner was accosted by the clerk
why, what is the matter with your pantaoons1
how came you to tear them so Nothing. that |
know Of was the answer. Where Why, just look.
When 10! his pocket was found TO be cut by the
artist wi tn the instrument, and his pocket book,
with not only the thirty dollars just paid but four
hundred besides. Verdict of the public -" Served
him right ~ Y Tribune
We ARE ovERDoSE WITH STANDING ARMIES
We have an army of lawyers with tough parch-
ment and interminable words to conlound honesty
and common sense; an army of paper to fight gold
an army of soldiers TO fight the French an army OF
Doctors to fight death; an army OF parsons TO fight
the devil, OF whom he standeth not in ". !
For
HUMILITT IN THE Use OF RoU6E.--We found |
the other day, in an old and book turn
ing over mention OF the first use of rouge, which,
by this account seems to have been somewhat per-
verted from its original purpose. II was worn by
the Roman Generals in their triumphs, that they
might seem to blush continually at their own pra-
ses!'
A Jury in one Of the southern counties Of Ohio,
who had been sitting on a trial for stealing Jug OF
whlskey, rendered the following verdict:
We the Jury find the defendant not guilty and
recommend him to mercy-the attorneys to pay the
costs, and the Judge to till the jug which the deem
dant stole and which the jury have empted during
the trial"
1t is reported that fashionable mother has for.
hidden her daughter to study arithmetic, because
many Of the fractions are vulgar.
ApvAxrAsEs OF LAVA young man who stu
died law IN Connecticut, became acquainted with the
following facts, which are certainly very remarSa-
bic, though not very singular
\ farmer cut down tree which stood so ne lr
the boundary line OF his farm that II was doubtful
whether it belonged to him or his neishbor The
neighbor, however, claimed the tree and prosecuted
the man who cut IT, for damages The case was
continued from court 10 court Time was wasted
temper soured, and temper lost; but the
finally gained by the prosecutor The last my
friend knew of the transaction was the man who
gained the case came 10 the lawyer office to exc.
cute a deed OF his whole farm, Which he had been
compelled to sell to pay hts costs Then houSeless
and homeless, he could thrust his hand into his
pocket and inumphantly exclaIm,-'l' e beat hlm.
INFRovEMENT OF rILENr-The ignorant have
often gwen credit TO the Tor pow ers that are
permitted 20 none, merely because the wise have
made proper use OF the powers that are permitted
10 all the little tale OF the Arabian dervise shall
he comment on this proposition
4 deryise was journeying alone in the desert
when two merchants suddenly met him,
You have lost camel said he 10 the mer.
chants.
Indeed we have they replied
Was he not blind in his right eye, and lame in
bis lett leg said the deryse
lie was" replied the merchants.
And was be not loaded with wheat on one side
and honey on the otherl'
Most certainly he was they replied and as
you have seen him so lately, and marked nm so
part cUlary, you can in all probability conduct
70 him
My friends said the dervise al have never
secn your camel nor heard OF hun except through
YOU
"A pretty story, truly" said tbs merchants, "bu,
where are jewels that formed par, of his cargo
Il have neither seen your camels OF your Jewels
repeated the dervise.
On this, the merchants seized his person. and
forthwi,h hurried hun before the cadl where upon
no sfrtrfeSt search nothtny ronlt bp fou,d up,r