Staunton spectator, and general advertiser. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 183?-1849, 1847-08-25
nj | S G e l. l. A N Y.
HOW MIR. PlPKIN BLOWED HIMSELF.

Bill Pipkin hadn't been married very long. and
hadn't quite got out of the habit of taken little
punch dnnkn frock with his old friends on partik-
Ter occasions. He was fust rate at maxim excuses
Tor staying out At nights now and then he was
terribly pressed with bisness, and as he tuck mon
strous good care never to cum home cross legged
his wife never spected nothn, and all went on ilst
rate. One night Bill got rather Inore'n he could
carry straight, but he didn't find it out till he was
on his way home. He wouldn't have Susan know
he was III such sitewatlon not for all the world and
he begun thinking as well he could with his head
splnn round SO, what was to be done to keep her
from fndin him out
''Hc-I've got it 'zactly," ses he-"Hic, Susan.
Susan knows Pm (hc) terrible ff-fond OF m-m-milk
and (hc) that'll fix all right-so (hic) sh she III
never suspect nothin, poor gal"
Home he went, practisin strait walkin all the
way, and studyin in his mind how he would tall,
strait, so Susan wouldn't find him out
When he found the latch, which was on the
wrong side OF the door which opened the wrong
way, too, he felt round in the dark for more doors
than was ever In the house BEFORE and got into ev
er so many shaped rooms, till he found the pantry
whar he speced to find some milk. He didn'thave
no very clear dee as To whar it ought to be so, af
ter feelln about in every place but the right one he
cum to the conclusion 10 90 up to his room and ak
his wife whar it was. The stairs seemed to be
turned upside down, and the bed room was changed
places with cellar kitchen, but he made out at last
TO find the door.
After clearin his throat and sayin over his speech
SO he wouldn't make no mistake he opened the
door, and tuck lean agn the door post and listen
ed 10 see if his wife was awake. She was sound a
sleep.
'All the better for that" thought he to himself.
susan Susan" ses he, very low and plain
"EhP' ses Susan, just wakin out of a doze is
that you come home, my dear, so late-I-"
"Susah, Susan !" says Bill, not paving no at
tenton TO what she said-hs head bein full of milk
-"Susan'
'What, my dear %
sis there any milk in the house %
eyes, dear-but what in the world--D
"Susan--Susan!"
"What, dear? 2"
''Whar is the milk ?"
'In the pantry in the dinin room, dear But
you better cum to bed now-t's 500
Bill didn't say word but tuck some terrible long
| steps in the dark He found the dinin room again.
and the pantry, but he couldn't find no milk no
whar. After tryin for about five minutes, he goes
up stairs agn, and leanin agin the door to steady
himself like, ax'd his wife again
''Susan, Susan ~ ses he very partickler.
"Eh-what?" SEES she, wakn up agn
els there any milk in the house2"
81 told you there some milk in the pantry
| dear"
| Down went Bill again. This time he felt every
whar, and upset lots of things, making terrible
| racket among the crockery, but drat the drop OF
milk could he find.
"Cuss the milk' SEES he; "whar could they put
h?v ''''
| In minute more he was at the bed room door
again.
| ''Susan, Susan ?" ses he.
| Susan snufled the snore short off in the middle
"WhatI' ses she-sort o. cross this time
SIS thar any milk in the house 2"
"Yes, / told you !"
"Well, whar is 2" ses he.
| al told you, on the shelf--in the pautry-in the
dinin room!" ses Susan, breakin il off into shor
mouthfuls Of pretty loud itaic.
| That sort O skeered Bill, and put him off his
gard,
'Well, Susan, ses he, sis lied up in any Hina
or IS laying about boose?"
| That ehnff--the cat was out o. the bag ant
no help for it. Mrs. Ppkm was bright awake il
a minute, and the way Bill got Caudle that nigh
was enough TO sober the drunkest husband in crea
ton. He never got corned again--andlt was morn
year after afore he could drink milk in his coffee
when Susan was at the table.-.N Y. Spirit Of III,
Times.