Iowa capitol reporter. [volume] (Iowa City, Iowa) 1841-1855, 1847-04-14
4 small Mans NIisfortnnes.

There was considerable alarm in the police
Office Yesterday morning, amongst the officers,
when the Recorder called for "Bill Ribs" For
some time the culprit could not be found; but at
last the collar of huge blanket coat was turned
down, and an individual with face as full of
wrinkles as frost-bitten crab-apple, answered
with the timidity peculiar to small men in large
crowds, athat's me-" Mr.. Ribs coat was very
green, and as shaggy as the hide OF Shetland
pony-he was barefooted, hatless, and evidently
had visions of blue devils, and red monkeys be-
tore his eyes.
"Ribbs," said the Recorder, "you were found
rowing about last night"
"Did you speak to me, sir?" inquired Ribs,
with convulsive start.
eyes, did speak to you. You were found
roaming the streets last nightmare you no place
Of residence?"
ono, sir, answered Ribs in piano tone, 81
amt got no home-no residence-no nothin'
I'm victim, sir"
ga victim of what9 OF love, malice mis-
fortune?''
ssOf 'em all, sir. was born in misfortune,
Graded in malice, and I'll die in workhouse.
was stunted when was young, sir-when
was bloomin' child wasn't bigger nor ba-
by-and now that Pm man, amt the size OF
an ordinary twelve year-old boy. lisa judy
ment Pm payin' for the vanity Of my parents,
sir-their sins is visited on me, sir, and I'm
warpedv'
"You're warped-what do you mean?"
"I'm shrunk up to 'natomy--the fats all
fried out of me-every thing in this world is too
big for me, and feel like nothin' nowhere
My pappy was six-foot six-ineher, and my
nanny weighed most two hundred; but when
was born, sir, then the truth come home to
'em, and they felt that in me they was punished
for braggin' on their bigness. You could have
pnt me in quart mug, was so little. was
weighed in pair of 'pothecary's scales, and
when my mother heered as how was SO many
ounces in weight, she hated me from that min
ute and refused to nuss me!''
"Refused to nurse you That was very in
human!''
ssInhuman-it was cruelty, sir. They rented
me out to lean woman, as was blessed with
twins, to be nussed; but it was no use. My
mouth was so small that they had to feed me
through quill, which accounts for my literary
turn of mind. They never give me the milk,
but the bonnyclabber of human kindness, and
my infant sensibilities was soured, and I was
throw'd into the world, all warped and cnrdled
up, too big to do nothin' and too little to git a
livin'. At thirteen years old charitable gen.
tleman hired me to be showed as dwarf-but
the doctors looked at my teeth, and said wasn't
old enuff for that business, my purtector drop
ped me as if was a very small hot pertater,
and had to shift myself again. then engaged
at theatur to do the Infunt Fernomenun's parts,
but hitler performer than me came along. and
was again laid on the shelf. Then took to sell
l;n' penny papers; but the Chatham street
b'hoys ruled me out, 'cause they said that it was
unpropur for man to take the bread out Of the
mouths Of the risin' generation. A gentleman
with the dyspepsia took likin' to me, and ad-
wised me to diet myself on Graham bread and
Croton water, and did diet myself till tho't
should die at it. It wore me down so thin that
hadn't no shadder-I found myself slowly go
i'm into gallupin' consumption. but was so
weak that you couldn't hear me cough. l was
goin' off fast, when an artist, who had an inter-
est in sassapurila and patent pills got me to set
for the pIctur of man who had the ager and
fever for seven years and nine months. II was
a capital portrait, and helped to sell many a
hogshead Of surrup and bushels of pills. l
thought the artist would have fattened me to set
for the pictur of the man as was made as good
as new by the medicine; but there was agin
cruelty disappointed The ungrateful painter
hired gentleman fresh from Germany, as was
imported to tend a lard-oil fact'ry in Cincinnati
ter, to set for the fgur of the individual as was
rescued from the jaws of death by usin' three
bottles of surrup and pills night and mornin
for five weeks in suct ision!"
"But have you no other profession by which
you can get living"
81 told yer honor that l was sucked through
a goose quill. which give me a literary turn.
well. took to reportin' small items for Sun