The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1847-07-30
Speculation In " hi.Lr's.
Or, Sharing in a Brokers' Office.
By Sol. SMITH.

There lived in Milledgevillc in
1882 a dandiiied individual whom we
will call jerks. This individual had
a tolcrably favorable opinion of his
personal appearance. His fingers
were hoped with rings, and his shirt
bosom was decked with a magniii-
cent breastpin; coat, hat, vest, and
boots were made exactly to fit; he
wore kid gloves ofremarkablc white
ness; his hair was oiled and dressed
in the latest and best style; and, to
complete his killing appearance, he
sported an enormous pair of REAL
WHISPERS! Ofthese whiskers, jerks
was as proud as young cat is of
her tail when she first discovers she
has one.
Twas sitting one day in brokers'
Office, when jerks came in to in
quire the price of exchange OH New
York. He was invited to sit down,
and a cigar was offered him. Con-
verSation turning on the subject OF
buying and selling stocks, a remark
was made by gentleman present,
that he thought no person should sell
out stock in such and such a bank
at that time, as it must get better in
a few days.
IL will sell any thing I've got, If
can make anything on it," remark
ed jerks.
"Oh, no." replied one-"not eng
thing; you wouldn't sell your WIS
KERs W
A loud laugh followed this chance
remark. jerks Immediately answer
ed !: IL would--but who would rant
them? Any person making the pur-
chase would lose money by the OPP
Grafton, I'm thinking"
swell )" | observed, 81 would be
willing to take the speculation, if the
price could be made reasonable"
sch, III sell 'sm cheap" answer
ed jerks, winking at tie gentlemen
present.
What do YOU call cheap" in
quired.
"I'll sell 'cm for fifty dollars
jerks answered, putting forth cloud
OF smoke across the counter, and re-
prating the wish.
"WclI, that u cheap; and you'll
e sell your washers for fifty dollars -
D.. - viii"
Both Of s.,n ?'
'Bota D. t.vu'
"THMteMeo.. "oeo can have
them ?"
any time you choose to call iol
them"
VERY welI-thcy're mine. Think
| shall double my MONEY on them, al
least"
tool; a bill Of sale, as follows:
"Reccived Of Sol. Smith FYly
DoEars, in full for my crop of VIII,
kers, TO be worn and taken care OF
by me, and delivered to him when
called for. J. jerks"
The sum Of fifty dollars was paid,
and jerks left'the brokers' Office in
high glee, furnishing five Central
Bank KS, and telling all his acquan-
tanceS of the great bargain he had
made in the sale of his whiskers.
| The broker and his friends laugh
ed at me for being taken in so nice
'ly. "Never mind" said I, "let those
laugh that win; I'll make a profit
out Of those whiskers, depend on it."
For month after this, whenever
met jerks, he asked me when
intended to call for my whiskers?
"I'll let you know when | want
them" was always my answer.
"Take good care OF them-oil them
oc occasionally; shall call for them
one Of these days"
A splendid ball was to be given
to the members of the Legislature.
ascertained that jerks was to be
one of the managers-he being q
great ladies' man, on account of his
whiskers, ! Supposed and it occur
red to me that before the ball took
place, might as well call for my
whiskers.
One morning I met jerks in bar.
ber's shop. He was adornizing be-
fore large mirror, and combing up
my whiskcrs at devil Of a rate.
"Ah! there you are, old fellow
said he, speaking to my reflection il
the glass. "Come for your whiskcrs,
suppose ?"
ooh, no hurry" l replied; as
sat down for a shave.
!"Always ready, you know" he
answered, giving final tic to hi:
Cravat. ..
"Come to think of it," said |, mu.
singly, as the barber began to pu,
the lather on my face, "Perhaps now
would be as good time as another
YOU may sit down, and let the bar.