Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1847-07-02
I" PIT, ON THE HAMS %

While Porkd0m was q yet In its infancy,
when its pigs did not attain 10 half the fat
thew now boast, and its corn juice was twice
as genoine," an old lady, the owner of sc an
extensive clearing" cultivated by three stur-
DIV sons, made her appearance at Cincinnati
with the intention of taking passage IN the
first safe boat " bound down the river" Her
chief motive for this trip was long-promlsed
visit to friend at Memphis, but prudently
wishing to combine profit with pleasure, she
brought with her large supply OF nicely
cured hams, expecting thereby to realize a
sum which would leave a respectable surplus
in her pocket after the expenses of the tour
were paid.
Following the advice of the landlord of the
house where she stopped. Che was, of course,
very disnterested,) she remained in town
some ten days longer than was necessary
When, finally, one fine day, becoming fully
assured that "no severe gale was to be expec-
ted" she had herself and craps embarked.
The captain of the boat thus honored, be-
longed to that class of men SO poorly repre-
scented every where but among the comman-
ders of our Western Steamers, being at all
times and in all places imperturbably polite,
self possessed, and good-natured. possessing
moreover, a rich vein of dry humor, which he
delighted to exercise in hoaxing too oficious
intermediates with his own concerns. In the
midst of the hurry and hustle consequent on
" putting off," our widow rushed in front of
the captain, and seizng him by the coat, thus
attacked his patience:
Now, Gaping, ar you certain she won't
bust! Don't trifle with the feelings of fee
BILE woman (the lovely relic, by the way,
weighed 200 avoirdupoise,) at this Orful cri-
sis Eff shud be blown up inter fragments.
all thru yer decepshins, Gaping, and be made
the mother of three dezolate orphuns, ther'd
be a dreadful reckonin for you at the great day
of insurrecting, now | tell yer"
The captain assured her there was no dan
ger, but at the same time told her the safest
plan would be to shut herself up in the state
room farthest aft, where he sent waiter to
conduct her. She hesitated, but finally went,
with an earnest parting admonition that "the
Capting should send somebody to let her
know jest as soon as the boat began to blow
up"
The unfortunate lady was just beginning to
feel more calm, when she was startled by the
loud ringing of bell, accompanied with the
strangest sort of voice, which seemed TO say,
(" all the gemmen and the boat must 60 down
and settle"
SO it is goin' down! Oh oh Whar
on airth is my big band box? Somebody fas.
ten on to me this life preserver, and put rope
under me! So them Germans is goin' down
already! knowed they would, the tarnal
fools, when saw 'em down stairs thar Oh !!
Lord oh Lord My hams will be wasted,
and only ter think of them poor boys ter hum
Isn't thar some kind man that will swim A.
shore with me %
No one volunteered, however, before the
captain came along, and was at last again sue
cessful in quieting her.
Soon after, they passed small landing,
where an opposition boat, also bound down,
was taking in few passengers, which before
the former had advanced three-fourths of a
mile beyond this point, Put off. and fred up
| in manner that showed her captain deter
mined to "come IT at least a length ahead -
The hosses' on board the first boat became
very naturally " considerably riled," and most
earnestly urged the captain to "put on the
gas'' and "never mind the consequences -,
But he was one Of those "averse to racing
and whatever idea he might have secretly
cherished that it wouldn't do 10 be beat, eva
ded direct reply by saying, sc the wood on
board, if used economically, might possibly
not last to the next yard"
The anxious widow had been meanwhile
watching the movements of the boat in the
rear, and began to partici pate in the general
excitement. AT last she approached the cap
tain, and remarked that " thar was craft be-
hind sailing dreadful FAST
why, really, Madam, so there is was
the answer.
oval, you amt agoin ter let her go by, ar
you !"
Perhaps it would be dangerous to increase
the fire, Ma'am.'
The old lady was bothered and returned to
her post ''The object of her regard" was
approaching too rapidly, however, for her
peace of mind. THAT sentence is entire from
G. P. R. Jalnes.l She again "made tracks y
for the attracting man, exclaiming-
ooh Captain do jest put two or three
more sticks of wood on that frer'
i" Mustn't waste wood, Ma'am"
"Wal, for Heving's sake, haint there no.
thin else on board that you can make it burn
with ~
81 don't think of anything, madam, excep
ting your hams"
The old lady reflected moment, but sh.
could bear it no longer, and with the express
sion of person going into fits, exclaimed
" Put 'em on Gaping Put 'em on! Who
keeTs Who's afeerd amt! I'd derned
site rather be busted up than beat, any time
PUT EN- oNr'
The shouts which greeted the old lady,
" remarks" would almost rival those sent VI
before Jericho or Monterey-and even tn,
boat appeared to share in the enthusiasm, TO
her paddles seemed Immediately to double tn,
number of their revolutions, and it was no
long before her ambitious rival was left at
distanc which the passengers of the first u
unanimously declared Client enchantment It
, the view"
The widow was perfect lioness" TO
the remainder of the trip-and on arriving a
her destination was agreeably surprised by tn
. full return of the money she had paid Tor far
and freight, together with "them" hams, &C
companied by most urgent invitation from
the Captain, that whenever she travelled tina
=, route again, she would accept of the best bert
+. in his boat, free of expense.
-, Esprit Of the Times
. THE TEXAN RANGER