Wisconsin herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1846-1849, 1847-07-17
The Horse Race that didm's
Come OIL.
A "REMINISCENCES OF A "powN EAST"
JOKER.

! Simon B***, who, in the famous
timber-land speculation days. cut a
"large swar,h" in the city of B,
/ Maine, was s.hard ticket at a bar.
gain. as well as a scrape or frolic. II
is true he was once or twice caught
mapping, as the 'cutest sometimes are
vt, as general thing, the chance OF
looming The giraffe over him" was in
finitesimally small--about equal to
that Of getting justice in court oflaw,
electing Webster to the Presidency,
or of catching weasel asleep. When,
however. relaxing his wonted vigi-
lence, or being little "how-come- y ou-
So" he did suffer one Of the "b'hoys"
to sput the screws to him." the mar
vellous quickness with which he took
dire revenge for such treatment, added
new laurelsto his fame as ''one of 'em."
On such occasions, however badly vie
timized, he did not, as less knowing
ones do, 90 about with wo-be-gone,
hang-dog look, seeking an ear into
which TO pour his sorrows, but, prone
nading the streets with head erect,
coat-coller thrown back, and stiff up
per lip, as If he had just become the
lucky legatee of thousands, he kept his
counsels to himself, and hushed his
griefs in the darkness of his own bo-
som.
II there was any kind Of trading in
which Simon BIS" or "Sime," as he
was familiarity called by the "b'hoys"
-fiattered himself he was decidedly
"some pumpkins" it was horse-trade.
However he might be bit in any other
dealings, in this he felt proud, exult-
ing consciousness of superiority, and
would bear ono rival near his throne"
In spite Of bic shrcwdness, however,
it CHANGED on one occasion that he was
fairly "sfuck" in trade of this kind /:
and his modification and shame may
be better conceived than described
The quadruped palned upon him was
not only old, half blind. crook legged,
and spawned. but just leetle the ug-
lest looking, "contrary est" and la
ziest piece OF horse flesh that ever
rested on four legs. 1t is true "Sime"
had paid bu, S25 for him; but that was
just two and a half eagles more than
his value; the critter couldn't take
twenty steps without tumbling down.
The fact was, our joker was done beau
tifully "brown," and though too polite
to show a wry face, he felt the truth
most keenly. Being the prince of the
upper-crust, big-bug "b'hoys" in the
city Of B---.many of whom have suffer
cd severely from his joke-lovlng pro-
pensities, and would jump eagerly at a
chance of revenging themselves for
the mirth he had created at their ex-
pense, he well knew what laughing
stock he would become, should "the
cat be let out of the bag" and that
he never would hear the last of it.
He very wisely, therefore kept his se-
cret to himself, while he meditated
plan OF retrieving his lost self-re-
spect as connoisseur in horse-fesh.
Suddenly an idea flashed upon him.
Under cover of night, he brought his
new purchase into town; stalled him
in the ''B- House" stable, and the
next day, cane in hand, strutting up
and down the streets, Dragging to every
acquaintance he met Of his brilliant
horse-trsde. There was nothing in the
city Of B., Penobscot county, or
the State Of Maine even, that could be-
gin to hold candle to his new high
flyer in trotting! He was regular
screamer-he was! His owner would
stake any amount-he didn't care a
d anywhere from $50 to
Sl.o00-and plank the rags, that the
"crab" could distance the fastest nag
that could be scared up. To be sure,
the snimsl was not the sleekest or
most handsomely formed piece Of sta
bic furniture that ever clicted the prsi-
ses OF a sportsman-he was anything
but beauty-but the way he could
let on in a trotting -in-harness match,
was caution to locomotives! If any,
body doubted il, let them plank the
tin for bet, that's all.
After such 2anegyric, there was, of
course, much curiosity among the
Jockies to see such rare specimen Of
horse-hesh; but on going TO the stable,
the first look at his profile, after he was
led out Of the stall, was succeeded BY
general gufiaw-a loud and obs.rep-