New-York daily tribune., 1846-01-15
From the Knicke,bocker for January.
Peter Funk's Revenge.
nY HARRY FRANCO.

discovered man stationed opposite sloIe which
had small red flag hanging at the door. with
large muslin banner impended from tall staff which
he held on which was inscribed this strange device:
BEWARE OF Mock AUCTIONS! Upon inquiry, l
learned that this Intended as caution 70 Peler
Funk and warning 10 strangers not to part with
their money without getting Its iull vaue IN return
Upon farther inquiry, learned that this ingenious
and benevolent enterprise had been suggested by
His Honor the Mayor, who in many other ways has
entitled himself TO the gratitude OF our citizens.
| had often heard Of Peter Funk, but had never
seen the gentleman, and having a curiosity that
way determined TO make the acquaintance OF so
noted person. ! accordingly entered the store.
and saw person dressed in very good style, with
satin scarf and gold chain, standing behind coun-
ter with a small hammer in his hand he was
young man, with air OF the most entlre self
satisfaction, and nothing seemed 10 give him any
uneasness excepting the Beware! on the SIDE
walk which not only kept bidders from entering
the store, but caused crowd of gaping idlers and
ragged news. boys to collect around his door. He
had watches chains and other trinkets. which he
seemed anxious to sell to the highest bidder but no.
body would bid
In one of the pauses Of his continuous and con-
mingled exhortations to the crowd TO walk In and
secure great bargain asked him II he was
regularly.icensed auctoneer, and was told that he
was and that furthermore he had always conducted
his business in the most honorable manner, and
could produce first rate recommendations from MS
las, employer. This might be true or II might not.
but Mr.. Funk impressed me with the idea that he
was an ill-used gentleman. II Mr.. Junk enjoyed
any immunities to commit crime, like Mr.. Nobody,
and other personages who are often spoken OF bnt
never seen il would be very just IN our CIVIC Ars-
tides 10 warn the public against his mapraclices
But Mr.. Funk assured me that he was amenaole 10
the laws, like any other merchant, and that he
would MT grunble at paying the penalty OF any
crime of which he might be convicted and he
thought it little peculiar say the least OF It, that
he should be selected out from among the fraternity
of tradesmen to be victimized However SAID
Mr. uuk, thrustng his hammer into his coat pocket
walk into my back Office Mister, and If l don't
make your hair stand on eend m demijohn, and
no mistake!
This was making rather free with stranger; but
there was something in the gentleman IS manner
which interested me, and followed him. through
small door in the partition, into his den, which was
ornamented by an engraving OF lady IN SATIN
gown, that viewed certain distance, looked ike
white horse rearing on his hind legs. There were
two or three choice works of art beside, including
French snuff box with a highly Objectionable pic
ture in the inside of the cover, indicative OF MI
Funk's taste in such matters. Having lighted
cigar and offered me one, which he assured me was
a splendid regalia, and mistake. he seated HIM
self in his arm chair and unlolded the following stu
pendous plan for revenging his own wrongs, and at
the same time doing good turn 10 hisfeow citizens
My legal adviser said Mr.. Funk tells me l
can recover immense damages from the Mayor, Tor
injury to my business, by his bewaring strangers
from my store; but, continued MIR. Funk, as he
knocked the ashes from the end OF his cigar with
his iewelled little finger in which Prince
Albert might be proud OF, have thought Of plan
which knocks tha, into all sorts OF cooked hats But
wait bit there IS a countryman.
The countryman only put one foot into the store
and Immediately withdrew il; so Mr. Funk once
resumed his seat and his cigar, and went on
L. -. Il AIr Et,rE
getting up some Bewares myself, and most i'm
mense sensation I'll produce with them, assure
you. First, will have large banner carried by
Kentucky giant opposite the City Hall. with this
inscription in bloody red letters: BEWARE OF
LAWYERS!
Opposite Trinity Church. al the head of Wall.
street, will station another 10 be carried by lame
with this inscription in gilt letters: BE-
WARE OF FANCY STocKs! AT the corner of Park
place and Broadway II have fashy gentleman
carrying black and white banner with this motto
BEWARE OF BLAcKLEGs J. Then II have tiy-
ing regiment OF boys with pink SILK hass oearing
this inscription LADIES. BEWARE OF FRENCH
MILLINERY AND FANCY GOODS! and these shall
run up and down Broadway every day between
twelve and two and whenever they see carriage
full of ladies' they shall keep Tapping the flags In
their faces.
Another banner shall be stationed opposite the
hotels and coffee houses with this inscription in blue
capitals: BEWARE OF COCKTAILS AND BRANDY
SMAsHERs
Opposite the publishers shops will have
young woman in night-cap holding banner with
these words in gamboge: TO READERS: BEWARE
OF TRASH
l confess 10 Mr. Funk that was struck with the
novelty of his plan and hoped he would not ley
himself open 10 prosecution for libel; and | eau
toned him 10 be very careful not TO insinuate any
thing against our free institutions
Perhaps you mean the House Of Detention ?
said Mr.. Funk. inquringly. l then explained to
him what did mean, and 10 my great surprise found
that his mind had been so much effected by the
well meant expedient Of the civic authorities tor
driving customers away from his store that he
could not comprehend my meaning at all; and In
stead of expressing any reverence for our lnstltu-
lions, he pronounced an opinion which should be
sorry 20 repeat, even at second hand. Mr.. Funk
then told me that he had given order for no less
than FIVE hundred standards, to be emblazoned with
these remarkable words, BEWARE OF HUMBUGs!
But my respect for authority and learning will not
admit of my naming the places where these banners
were TO be displayed. The invention of Mr.. Funk
could only be equaed by his magnity. What
could have been conceived more maliciously inap
propriate. than to station pumpkin-headed etigy
in black coat bearing one othese standards painted
in harlequin letters before the residence OF Pro
fessor -? Or TO put man Of straw, with
similar standard painted in green capitals before the
Office of DR.. -?
II " us a. !SoSt PiuCCnt AL Yo1; -ut. e4h' NN'
mo, to station any of your 'Bewares before the
doors of our city presses the gentlemen who con-
ducSshem, you are aware, cannot be abused with
impun:ty.
.-Poh! poh !! replied this unprincipled person;
see here, And so saying, he unrolled paper
which lay before him, upon which was emblazoned
in miniature dozen or two banners, to be paraded
before the doors of some OF our most highlyesteemed
friends Ny blood curdled the sight at least it
would have done so if any thing could have caused
such phenomenon. Here was banner for the
'Virtuous Vigil inscribed with these words: BE-
WARE OF VENALITY!' The Morning Glory was
honored with this wholly unmeaning a6iche, BE-
WARE OF BLusTERERs! while the Evening Yes
per destined be signalzed with this detesta-
BILE insnuation: BEWARE OF SOFT CRABS ! than
which nothing could be more vile, its conductors
being universally known as two of the hardest Gus.
toners about town. The Weekly Wonder had
this entirely unmeaning standard assigned TO it,
which was 10 be borne by gentleman in clean
shirt with an inflated bladder in one pocket and an
empty bottle in the other, the letters in deep blue
BEWARE OF FALSE Witnesses!
This was too bad. could listen to Mr.. Funk no
lnneer without losing nv selfrespect / therefore