The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1846-12-26
Short Patent Sermon.

& Ny hearers-ho wever unlike things
may seem, there is always a resem-
blance 10 be found, il you look closely,
and consider considerably. Whatev-
er you may find in the ocean has its
like upon land. The whale is like the
elephant; the sea-Iion is like the king oi
the beasts, or the monarch o { the woods;
the porcupine fish is an aquatic hedge
hog; the eel is as much like snake as
Nature ventured TO make it; the por-
poise IS like a hog; the flying-fish en-
joys betwixtiveness, in regard 10 pis-
catorial and ornithological distinc tion;
and Of The sturgeon will say. as my
friend Shaksrere said, but turning the
stocking inside out, '.Oh! fish, fish how
art thou f]eshifed!"
My friends-the ladies' (the last and
The loveliest Of Gods works. are like
angels. Though their visiis are STEW
and far between yet the influence
they exercise over US is as mysterious
as magnetism--as mild as moonbeam;
as saving as salfpetre--and as power
fui as a steam engine. 1t is true. they
want wings: but If fashion so dictate
they are never found lacking for feath-
ers. They are like angels, because
they visit us men in our rdreams, sweet
ening our slumbers, shedding a soo.h-
ing an grateful influence upon our i'm
prisoned senses, and making US all be-
lieve that the '.kingdom of heaven is at
hand" when just as likely as not an
army Of bedbugs are preparing to at
tack US front and rear. Angels don't
put paint upon their faces, nor wear
bustles, to the best Of my knowledge;
and yet women are like tEem--especi-
ally so long as Virtue finds convenient
quarters in their hearts. But, unfortu-
nately, some Of them become fallen an
gels--transformed into she-devis in dis
guise; and OF all the devils that walk the
world, they are about tn. very worst
TO encounter. Women, too, are like
electrical machines: you can't take hold
of them when they are foil charged
(with love or maduess) without expe-
riencing very peculiar sensation: and
! wouldn't warrant you against receiv-
ing an Unexpectedly severe shock.
Some of them are like the flowers of
the field; because "they toll not. ncith-
.erdo they spin--and yet Solomon in
all his glory was not arrayed like one
Of these"
My hearers--when I consider your
internal, or sub-carnal properties-y our
mental mines-your gems Of thought;
your realms Of reason-your posses
sions in the province Of philosophy;
and count over the jewels in the casket
Of intellect; liken you to beings be-
longing TO a better and purer world;
but when ! see how YOU permit the
basest passions TO predominate--how
you abuse the best gifts OF God; how
grossly you indulge your animal appe-
tites and how yondelight to wallow in
the mire Of sensuality-l compare you
10 hogs, whose pleasures are poured
from the swill pail. Now some of you
are hike jackasses-obstinate dull and
stupid; some. like tigers-6erce and ie-
rocious; some like foxes-crafty and
cunning; some. like lions bold and
majestic; some. like monkeys-ridicu-
lously endeavoring to initiate others;
some, like grasshoppers-go by jumps;
some, like peacocks --prou.i of their ap-
pesrance; and some are like alIigatsrs;
which are neither beasts, birds, nor
fishes. ofthe she sex, had better say
fitile, or nothing. Suffice it then that
woman upon washing day--with
halt dozen young ones at her heels
and goes clucking about, as though an
unexpected army Of troubles had in
vsded the kitehen--pu!s me in mind of