Southport telegraph. [volume] (Southport, W.T. [i.e. Kenosha, Wis.]) 1840-1850, 1846-12-16
From the " Y. Spirit Of the Times.
APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE.
n-tYr 5rrNr
BY THE YOUNG 'UN

head, which was covered with gray 'sfive
year old'' Cat least) seal-skn cap. This
sum tota.-legs, pants, feet, shoes, body
and chapeau-was the properly, by pos.
session, of Mr.. ZENAs HUMspUN.
ZENAs had been on "a bat" during the
night previous, and had squandered full
half dollar on himself, in whte.eye and
sweetening. But his returning senses made
himfeel philosophical, and on the morning
we speak of him, he stood, at an early hour,
in - street, gazing mechanically at the
telegraph wires-soiloquzing thus wise
"-'ic That's the telegruB.-W---
'ic--well, don't poorseive nuthin' per-
'ic-culier 'bout them strings, only ones
bigger ZEN t'other--'ic.''
That's the lghtnin' line, big 'un," sai
an urchin in the doorway near by.
"When does she--'ic startE'
YOU'D better AK in thar
i" WHARF"
SIN the office, up thar"
The Ioafer was shown 10 the door of the
building, and "by hook Or crook" found his
way up three flights of stairs, into the tele-
graph office. The attendants inquired
"wbat the gentleman had 10 forwardl"
''For'ud ?--'ic--who's skeW
"What will you send?'
"Send wharf,
"Ths IS the telegraph office, sir"
"Well---'ic--who'n thunder said it
wus'nt?"
81 supposed you had business, sir"
"Nuhin' O. the sort--'ic--quite the re-
'ic--verse o. the contrairy.''
What will you have?''
+ al want 10 make seme-'ic-quiries. :"
The hour being early, and little doing,
the clerks very charitably determined upon
some fun with the fellow, with view TO
SOLDERING him. The opportunity for any
thing gratuitous escaped them, however,
for as they commenced consultation upon
the best means to benefit the intruder, he
stepped up to one of the batteries, which
happened, fortunately, to be but lightly
charged, and, concluding that the knobs
were portable, he pulled his cap over his
forehead and attempted to remove one OF
the balls; the next moment Zenas lay
stretched upon the floor.
He arose as best he could. and turning to
the clerk, with
"Look ycre, Mister-'ic-wot's yuro
namef | kin lick as many SIGH ike skunks
as you, as could be druv into forty aker
loi Wot in-did yer-'ic-knock all in,
nersent man down that way fur? Eth?
.Nobody touched you,'' said the clerk.
ss1'he--they-'ic didn't"
"No, sir. You took the"-
''Took wot? Yere's yule contemtibe
copper"-and, proceeding to dash loose
penny toward the attendant, which lay up
on the machine, his fingers came in con-
tact with the battery, and away he went a.
gain. heels over head, across the floor.
"Look yerel" continued the sufferer, who
by this time, was well nigh sohercd--'''od
blast yer internal pctur, wot in thunder are
ye 'bout?"
"You mustn't handle the TOOLS" observed
the clerk, nearly bursting with laughter.
"Look you! Mr.. Wops>your-name-
amt TO be fooled this yer way, fer noihin'-
arn't. BY thunder! I'm independent
ndividooal, am-and this yere nockin'
people down, without notice of no kind,
arn't the thing, by! Ef you'll open that
yere door, III go out o'this, and no ques-
lions axed-"
"THat's the door, sir''-
"That brass handle!"
"Yes"
''I'm blowed eli you do, though! This
child don't NEEDLE with no more hardware
in this trap, no howl"
The door was opened by the clerk, and
the fellow sided out. A suppressed laugh
pervaded the countenance of the attendant,
as Zenas departed, which, as the door clos
cd vented itself in broad haw haw.
"You're smart young gentleman-you
are!" bawled the loa!er, through the key
hole, as be held the door fast with both
hands --"you're a very smart man may
be! You'd like TO git out O. that, and 60 TO
your breakfast, bmeby, may be! AM il
yer do git any grub afoIe noon, les let fell
Ter bout my size know twill yer? I'll
teach yer to knock people down simultane-
ously for nothin'-I will''-and, fiom the
preparations making on the outside, the
prospect was that the '.Insiders" were to be
made prisoners.
A thought struck the attendant. He dis
connected the wire, and placing it in con.
/ ldCL Win Ids huOO Vi tiiS ooOi ufoh tHS iAs
side, his companion let on the battery.
The door flew open instaneously, anc
our valiant s,rtnger with the seal-sk in CAP
was discovered in the act of an anti-angu'
lar descent dows stairs, the side of hi:
head scraping the paint from the edges o
The steps, and his legs, mean time, per
rormin an involuntary pirouetto, which
wovld have done infinite credit TO French
dancing master.
1t so CHANGED that Zenas had purchased
a bunch Of lucfer matches the night before
which had been deposited in his coat peck
Ell. In his progress down, the matches ha'
become ignited, and by the time be hat
reached tie first flight he had partially re
covered from his first effects of 1.-The shock
but The fud iingled through his veins
| his cont tails were on FIRE, and he was no
t..set forward" in his Imagination any BY
This last effort of his 'tormentors. lie DIS
:. covered The fire, and, presuming II wa
loart and parcel Of the "cussid invention
he sprang to his feet, and with both hand
briskly al work behind him, for the pur
pose Of smoihering the flame, which wa
lroasing the seat Of his inexpiessible--h'
spnt" Tor The street door at full gallop.
| '..Firel Fire. Help! yere. Or. MUIR
.l-firel help!' Shouted the vIctim, as b.