The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1846-06-27
PLAYING OLD SOLDIER.

We are debted to the Fulton County Dem
ocrat, published in Johnston. ". Y +, for The fol
lowing ludicrous account OF dialogue that re
Gently took place in that village between
Surgeon and Militia Man, who had becom
much alarmed at the prospect of being drafte,
for the Mexican War, and wished therefore 4
procure certificate ofnabiy TO perform mil
i,ary duty.
The cream of the joke is that the applicant
was large athletic person, perfectly sound ano
WE'LL in every respect. He walked INTO the
Surge on's office with downcast appearance
and apparently in great, bodily distress, and then
commenced the following
DIALOGUE
MILITIA MAN Well Doctor I've called to
see you, and want TO get certificate to clear
me from trainin'.
SURGEON. Well, friend, what is the matter,
Why, sir, in the FIRST place I'm deaf
in my right ear, can't hear BIZ through it,
couldn, hear the noise of forty cannons on
that side
SuRe.--Deafness is an sf1lcton, my friend,
but that alone will not shield you from military
duty, in times of national perlI--but you can
hear in the otner ear cant you!
MIL.-Not very well-when take cold il
se'tles i, nv head-tis it.'up tight, and then
one ear amt much better than t'other. Oh
it's an awful feclin' 10 be deaf, and ought to
slesr any man from iralnln'.
SuRe Il deeply sympath;ec with you, sir, and
under ordinary circumstances would be happy
10 grant your req1est-but these are trying |
simes--iimes of danger and boodshed, We
are engaged with mexico on the south. Eng !
land threatens 10 take part in the contest and 1t
she does, we will be surrounded on all sides by
nd a, tu,s no mr. farrIhip |
struggle the world ever saw" and further, sir,
have been instructed by the commanding Gene
raj not to gran, certificates for slight causes
during the continuance OF The war.
MIr.-Texico they'll not catch mein Tex. |
leo. 4'll not &c 10 that burnin' climate to be
murdered, and roasted to death by Spanards
and bloody injuns--besldes. dacter, my constI'
tuition wouldn't stand It. I'd die there 10 less
than week. It's horrible to drag man away
off to Terieo to fight with niggers and Injuns,
especially poor deaf Teller like me. 10 to
Texlco no. by thunder won't-I'Il die first.
SuRe All the sound, able bodied men in this
regiment will soon be called upon to march to
Mexico; and surely no patriot will refuse to de-
fend bis country.
MfL.--Able bodied men! yes, but amt able |
bodied, as ] said before, I'm deaf as door nail
in one ear and besides, Doctor, I've got dread
fuI lame foot,-three years ago. split my big
toe thro' and thro' and it's never been well
since, have to wear big boot on tina, foot
(you see) and even now it sometimes gives me
geat distress. On, me- what times!
SuRc.-Then you are lame, are you'
ML.-Yes, Doctor, I've no rest day nor night
with that big toe--and you know, Doctor, that
il went IN the army, and got in battle, and
our side got licked, and had to run; why |
couldn't keep up with the rest on 'em on &C.
count Of this ere lame foot. I'D surely be taken
prisoner, and then like enough they have an In.
Jun poscow over me, and tie me to stake and
roast me 10 death by inches, as they did John
Rogers. Oh, Doctor do give me certificate
you know amt fit to make warrior, and as !.
for going TO Texico, won't do il. No, by
blixem, won't!
SuRa--You will be obliged to go If they call
upon you, otherwise they will hang you up or
shoot you as traitor. :
MrL.-Shoot me I'd rather die here among
Christians and decent folks, than to be tortured
70 death by them infarnal bloody Spdniards.
Oh! oh think they might let poor deaf and ,
lsme fellers like me stay at home.
SuRa.-Well, friend, should be pleased to
comply with your request, but the Generals or.
ders are imperative not to grant any certificates
unless the person applying has some better ex-
euse than you appear TO have--a deaf ear or
lame toe is small matter in such times, and
WI not clear you. |
NH --Oh, Doctor! haint told you half Of I
ny diseases yet. That toe, and ear. amt MOTH
-. % TINS ere consumption Qaying his hand on
~ ne o!sses and trying to cough and this cough;
U y, = olstfesses me night and day, and Doctor
w,says' that southern climate woul'nt agree
w"n my disease. He says il would kill me off
10 tnFee days. And besides Doctor, all the
ae'gnoou know I'm sick and weakly feller,