The Democratic pioneer. [volume] (Upper Sandusky, Ohio) 1845-1853, 1846-06-26
MISCELL.HVY.
PLAYING OLD SOLDIER.

dialogue that recently took place 10 that
village between Surgeon and a Militia
Man, who had become much alarmed at
the prospect of being drafted for the Mex
lean War, and wished therefore to procure
certificate Of Inability to perform mill
tary duty.
The cream Of the joke is that the appli-
cant was large athletic person, perfectly
sound and well, in every respect. He
walked into the Surgeons office with a
downcast appearance, and apparently in
great bodily distress, and then commenced
the following
DIALOGUE.
.uih.s& .Caa.-Well, Doctor, I've called
to see you, and want to get certificate
to clear me from trainin'.
Surgeon Well, friend, what is the mat
ter!
Ml--Why, sir, in the first place. Pm
deaf in my right ear, | can't hear bit
through it,. | coulden't hear the noise of
forty cannons on that side.
Surg Deafness is an aflic!ion, my
friend, but that alone will not shield you
from military duty, in times of national
pe ril-but YOU can hear in the other ear,
can't you!
.Nt Not very well-when l take cold
it settles in my head-fills it up light, and
then one ain much better than tother'
Oh! it's an ewful feelin' to be deaf, and
ought to clear any man from trainin'.
Surg Il deeply sympathise with you
sir, and under ordinary circumstances
would be hap2y to grant your request
but these are trying times--times ofdan
ger and bloodshed. We are engaged with
Mexico on the south. England threatens
to take part in the contest, and if she does
we will be surrounded on all sides by ene'
mics, and we shall witness the "most ter
rible struggle the world ever saw and
further, sir have been instructed by the
Commanding General not to grant certi
ficates for slight causes during the con
tinuance of the war
NIL --Texico! they II not catch me il
Tcxico, IN not GO to that burnin' climate
ITO be murdered, and roasted TO death b!
Spaniards and bloody lnjuns- ides
doctor, my constitution wouldn't stand 1t
Ia die there In less than week. IT.
horrible to drag a man away off to Iertc'
TO fight with nigeers aud lnjuns, especial
ly a poor deaf feller like me. Go TO Tex
c6. 10, by tlinnder, won't-ll die rst
Surg.--Al! the sound, able bodied me
in this reg iulent VIII soon be called upo'
to march to Mexico; and surely no patrio
will refuse to defend his country.
Mil Able bodied men! yes, but ain
able bodied, as said before, I'm deaf a
a door nail in one ear, and besides, Doc
tor, I've got dreadful lame foot=-thre
years ago, split my big toe thro' an
thro' and it's never been well since, ] hav
TO wear big boot on that foot (yoh see
and even now ii sometimes gives me gre a
distress. On, me! what times!
Surg Then you are lame, are you!
.ML-Yes, Doctor, I've no rest day no
night with that big toe-and you know
Doctor, that i'll went in the army, an
got in battle, and our side got licked
and had 10 run; why | couldn't keep u
with the rest on 'em on account Of this er
lame foot. I'd surely taken prisoner, an
then like enough they have an Lnjun poaoo'
over me, and tie me to a stake and roas
me to death by inches, as they did job
Rogers. Oh. Doctor! do g've me ceriG
cate; you know ain't fl TO make war
rlor, and as for going to Texico, | won
do it. No, by blixem, won',
Surg.-You will be obliged TO go if the
call upon you, otherwise they will han
E you up or shoot you as a traitor.
, Nil --Shoot me! Id rather die her
among Christians and decent folks, tha
10 be tortured TO death by them infarna
bloody Spa. .iards. Oh! oh! think the
might let poor deaf aud lame fellers lik
me stay at home.
Surg We'll, friend, shodld be please
TO comply with your request, but the Gen
erals orders are imperative not TO gran
any certificates unless the person appiyin
has some better excuse than you appea
to haye--a deaf ear or lame toe is
small matter in such times, and will no
clearyou.
sBu-=Oh, Doctort haini told you ha
Of my diseases yet. That toe, and ear
aint nothin' to this ere consumption liay
ing his hand on his breast and trying I
cough) and this enough; OIL! 1t dIs'resse
me night and day, aud Doctor w. say'
that southern climate wouldn't agree WI
my disease. lie says it would kill me
IS IN three days And besides, Doctor, a
= the neighbors know I'm sickand weak
!, feller, and can't do days work. wor