Staunton spectator, and general advertiser. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 183?-1849, 1845-10-30
N I S o u Il u a n & o
PRACTICAL JOKERS In THE ARMY.

WRITTEN FOR THE ESPRIT OF THE TINES" AN
OFFICER OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY.
Ned G. was a young and merry Sub. of the
-th Infantry, and what is termed in the Ar
my "a clever fellow" 1t is true, that Ned
was somewhat given to keeping his "sprits
up by pouring spirits down." especially when
stationed at an outpost; but he never would
have been called an incorporate man.
AT the time of my story, the detachment of
the Army to which Ned belonged occupied a
post on the Southern frontier, and mig INT be
said to be in close quarters as the officers
and men, from the crowded state of the gar
rlson, were reduced to less than half the al
lowance OF eating and sleeping room, author
lzed by regulations. To this arrangement;
was Ned Indebted for the society of the sur
geon of the posi-, who shared with him the
comforts and conveniences of an apartment
twelve feet square.
The Doctor, actuated by feelings of regard
Tor Ned's well-being, Git may have been with
an eye TO his own quiet and repose,) was in
the habit of administering to him, occasional
~, dose OF good advice; and demonstrating
with him on the Improperly of staying Out
late at night, getting "hght," and coming home
"dIsturbing people after they had gone to
beds" all Of which Ned took very patiently,
but without mendmg his ways. The Doctor,
finding that it was utterly useless to appeal
to Ned's sense of propriety, with the hope of
eteciing change in his mode of life, began
to address himself TO his fears.
"Ned,'' said he, eff you don't stop this
irollcking, and drinking, and spreeing, you'll
get the dropsy-I know you willard you'll
die in spite of the world | tell you once for
all to stop it, for fyou get the dropsy on your
chest, you are gone sucker All the med
lcine IN my chest won't save you No, sir,
burnt brandy won't save youl''
The Doctor child in vain i'm vain did he
continue to enumerae the various cases of
hard drinking terminating in dropsy, that had
come under his observation, since he had been
member of the Medical Staff.-Ned was in
corrigible
AS the lectures on temperance, and the ter
rlble pictures of disease and death from indul-
gence in strong drink, held up to his view.
were of no avail in exciting his fears, the
Doctor was about to despair of eflectng a re-
form, when it was brought about, for time,
in the following manner
AS usual, late one night Ned came home
pery glorious, singing al the top of his voice,
~ "'''.''"S "P CaCu 'eISe Oi Ills song WIN a
whooP, loud enough to 'wake up half crea-
tlon.' After making several lurches towards
the door, he succeeded IN entering, and in the
vain attempt ofdisencumbering himself of coat
and boots, at the same moment made pitch
forward, and Lighted with his head against
the short-ribs of his sleeping roommate.
The Doctors bowels of compassion were
sadly disturbed; however, after venting on
the head of his fallen friend few hearty
curses, he kindly assisted him in divesting
himself Of his clothes, and saw him decently
laid out on his mattress.
Next morning, as soon as it was light, the
Doctor possessed himself of the sleeper;s
Pantaioons and drawers, and with the assist
ance OF the hospital matron, had them neatly
taken III about four inches in the waist, then
quietly replaced them and tumbled into bed
70 await the result Haitian hour before break
'as'' his accustomed time for rising, Ned slid
out OF bed, cooled his copper by long pull
al lhe water jug, and then commenced the op-
eratlon OF making his toilet. The Doctor
VINO was lying with one eye open and wad
OF 6ed-cioIheS stuffed in his mouth-bv way
OF smotherlng desire to laugh-watched
closely the dressing process going on before
him.
is very strange ~ exclaimed Ned; u
wohoer what has go. into these conlounded
drawers They were large enough yesier-
day, and now ] can't make them meet 'Tis
no use in trying-rll hitch them up to my
pants"