The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1845-09-05

call you in the morning. or eat burnt toast,
or drink raw tea, &c. it is time begin
TO instruct you in your duties
And what are those, Mr. Swallow
BE silent, madame, if you please not
10 talk but 10 listen is one of the most i'm
portant of Them
Proceed, SIR
And Mr. Swallow looking daggers a,
her for the second interruption, proceed
ed.
From six TO eight you are 10 get up,
dress quietly so as 10 create no distur-
bance, light fire, air clothing and stock
lngs. sweep rooms, prepare breakfast, and
announce the perfection thereof. Eight
ill ten, wash tea things, make beds, rub
furniture and clean windows. Ten 10
twelve, 60 to.market and prepare dinner.
Twelve ill two, devote to dish washing,
sweeping up, and rubbing furniture. Two
till six. spinning. mending clothes, and
darning stockings. Seven, tea. From
that time till nine, second course of
mending and darning, and then 10 bed
And this daily course madame with a
strict observance Of the rules Of civilly,
frugaiiiy, decorum, and obedience, may
in time enable you to do honor to the
choice of Mr. Newman Swallow
Mrs Swallow listened quietly TO the
end, and then mildly inquired.
And do you really expec, this of ME.
Mr. Swallow?'
TO be sure l do responded her
spouse.
Then you'll be sadly disappointed, for
I'll do no such thing
MOI!
Nor
I've way 10 make you
How!
Spoon diet, locks, chains, and cow
hide !!
Mr. Swallow
sWhat!'
You are brute!' aud Mrs Swallow
threw herself back and looked desperate.
Now this was climax. Mr. Swallow
was called brute by his own freside,
and by his own wife, which was the
worst of all. He, Newman Swallow the
celebrated founder OF system of Ma,r-
monial Observations, called brute, and
by no less person than Mrs Swallow.
Al first he was SO astonished at such open
manifestations Of rebellion 10 his royal
will. that he only looked aghast; but
when he came to himself he saw that
something must be done at once, or the
field was lost forever.
You call me brute. Mrs Swallow p
Il did, Mr. Swallow
"A brute ?
"A brute =
III go mad and break things, Mrs
Swallow
AS YOU like SIR
And Mr. Swallow did 60 mad, but he
had method in his madness, for he seiz-
ed the cheapest article of deli that was
on the table. IAN old plate with crack
in it and dashed il into thousand pieces
on the hearth, as if he was in a tremen-
dous passion.
How do you like that, Mrs Swallow ?
Vastly, Mr. Swallow try again.
And again he did try it, (for he had be-
come desperately and demolished The cream
jug.
Now said the lady at is my turn
and jumping up she sent the slop bowl
TO keep company with his tea table COM
panions.
This of course was too much for New.
man; it snapped assunder the last remain
ing chord of the little reason he had left,
and he slapped his heip-mate-we use
The word in its most positive TENSION
her right cheek, but scarcely had the echo
OF the blow melted into silence ere the
indignant dame seized the teapot and
shlvered il into atoms agains, the head of
the devoted Mr. Swallow. Nor was this
all, Tor as he was rolling heels over head
from the effects OF the awful collision. she
piled him with the remainder of the tea
traps, until there was scarcely bone in
his body which had not echoed TO the
shock of cups and saucers, and rounds of
builered toast.
Unable to carry the war on any longer
for that day, Newman gathered himself
up as well as he could, and vowing ven.
geance, he stuck his pipe in his mouth,
and his hands in his pockets, and then
commenced whistling a jig to the tune the
old COW died Of, looking as if he could
bite piece out of the griddle without set
ting his teet on an edge. His good lady
too, being determined to follow the exam
pie of her lord and master in other mat.
ters besides delf breaking, placed another
chair back to back with Newman's and
after providing herself with novel, sal,
herself down and began reading away, as
Al.