The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1845-09-05
A, ILLINOIS, FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, l84a.

mortal hours each bent upon sitting the
other down, and Illuminating the while
upon their relative positions. Blu. it
must be confessed tina, Mrs Swallow had
the best of the bargain, for Independent
of Newman's mangled head and parboil-
ed neck and shoulders, he saw as plain
as mud, that the watch dial and the crock.
cry must be attended with an outlay of at
least twenty dollars. This being the
case, ! might as well be hung for sheep
as lamb thought he. and with tina, he
rose from his chair, stole softly from the
room, and turned the key upon the gentle
Mrs Swallow.
The turning Of the key made her aware
Of his intention, when she rushed 10 the
door but il was too late.
Open the door this instant, Mr. Swal.
low
Not until have kept you here seven
days upon bread and WATER returned the
victorious Newman, and he went on his
way rejoicing.
But alas how fleeing is human great
ness in about half an hour he returned
to see how matters were going on. but he
had scarcely put his eye 10 the key hole
when he began roaring like bull, for
Mrs Swallow had torn every one of his
fine linen shirts (ha, on his back except
ed) into pieces, TO make rope 10 Jet her
self down from the window; nor was
this all, for upon further examination, he
discovered that she had also thrown a va
riety of chair cushngs, bed linen, &c.
into the yard, 10 make her descent safe
and comfortable.
O! chop fallen Newman Swallow.
The archives Of the Swallows are ST.
lent as to the remaining occurrences Of
this eventful day; but on the very mex,
morning about seven o'clock, Mr. Swal-
low popped his head from under the blank.
cts and said: MRS Swallow, dear, isn't
il time TO get up!
Yes returned the lady, 'and you may
call me when you have lit the fire and
put on the Kettle.
Poor Newman! There was no alter
native, so he set about his work with an
alacrity which showed that he had the
terror of a broken head and demolished
body OF linen running strongly in his me-
mory. In short Newman was conquer
ed man. That day he had TO prepare
breakfast, sweep the room, &c. The
next his assistance was required in the
rubbing of furniture, and the making of
beds, and before the week was out he
was initiated into the mystery Of washing
coarse towels.
Degenerate Newman Swallow Nay,
in after times when the little Swallows
began TO gather around him, il was whis-
pered that his better half land she was
his better half used to employ him at yet
more deeply conjugal Offices.
But for this we have no proof, other
than the fact that he was the only nurse
that Mrs Swallow would trust with her
children.
About five years after the celebration
of his nuptials, friend called to see him.
You must 60 with me to the theatre,
Mr. Swallow said the friend.
HE shan't,' said Mrs Swallow.
He must resumed the friend, sand so
must you
Il may but he shan't,' replied the
dame, for he must stop at home with
the children
And Mrs Swallow did 60 10 the play,
and Mr. Swallow stopped a, home.
'Oh hen.pecked Newman Swallow
The morality of this authentic tale is,
that bachelors wives and old maids
are always excellent in theory,
but as bad as can be in practice-and that
a managed wife is better than no wife at
all. Had Newman, only treated his bet
ter half decent in the beginning, things
might have gone on smoothly TO the end
but as it was, he compelled her to be a
Tartar in her own defence, and had to
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