Bloomington herald. [volume] (Bloomington, I. T. [Iowa]) 1840-1849, 1845-01-17
Short Patent Sermon.
The words Of my text, by somebody
may be found some where. as follows:


The words Of my text, by somebody,
may be found somewhere, as follows
And as fretful antiquity cannot be mended.
The lonely life of the bachelors ended,
Nobody means him, and nobody signs,
Nobody misses him-nobody CRIES;
For nobody grieves when the bachelor dies
My dear hearers However sad, lonely
and sorrow-stricken as are old maids, and
however much we may feel disposed 10
ameIiorate their condition, it ough. 70 be
known that the situations of old bachelors
are equally unenviable. They, TOO, are
smu'ty ears of corn, thrown over upon
the other side Of the heap of humanity, to
remain unheeded, and, perhaps, never
husked at all !; and they don't seem TO care
whether the argus-eyed world looks upon
them or not, SO long as the main spring Of
seifkeeps its temper, and the misan,hropy
continues in motion. From their dark
dens Of celibacy they fancy they can look
gu, upon the mingled mnliludes of earth,
and enjoy the moving panorama of man
kind. unseen and unnoiced; but if they
could only taste the bitterness of the scorn
kept in store for them. and be made SEN
sibe of their own foolishness and folly,
am sure they would throw open the doors
of.heir gloomy cell, lie, in the light of love,
and crawl out to bask in the warm sun of
n,a,rimony. My friends-An old bache-
lor should recolIecl that he is an agent of
the Almighly-,hat he was sen. here no,
only being, but to assist in the manufac-
ture Of such models of humanity as the
advancement of science. civilization and
refinement requires. He is not of the
neuler gender-neiIher should he be pass
i've; but do, act and accomplish and
show to The world the difference between
Il man and dyspep,ic monkey. An old
bachelor. my friends, so long as he re-
mains a bachelor, is nobody but a galvan-
lied lump of locomo,ion, monopolizing
altogether too much room in the social
circle; and l consider it an ex,ravagan,
waste of raw material for nature to amuse
herself in rigging up such an improbable
specimen OF the genus homo. He is
grape vino, growing in wilderness Of
wo, budding perchance TO bloom, but new
er to bear. He is false flower in The
e.sr sa.1las, az Az. !, a---. = =
.:e.-, 10. fadrs and falls beneath me pre-
mature frosts Of cherries existence
But my dear friends the old bachelor is a
sensitive being wi,hal. He has heart
like wax, tina. will receive the most DELI
cate impressions, though it can never melt
in the warmth Of love.
Yea his heart predominates over the
pluck, and the threads of feeling are SO
finely spun. that sometimes the least
breeze &c disrespect will snap them assun-:
der, and leave the fckled web Of his hap
piness ,a,tered and torn as paper kite IN
a hail storm. My hearers-if there can be
found single spark of vir,lli'y shoulder
ing in the ashes of determined neglect. !
advise you to &c. up and shake yourselves
and 90 out and take smell at those half
wi.hered flowers, commonly called old
maids, who. by your own obslinacy. have
been lel. 10 droop and decay in the shade
Of disappointment. Yes. 60 now-and
depend upon it. they will cheer up and re-
vive, prosper and produce land cause the
parent shrub to pu. forth fresh leaves OF
Joy. And. my dear young rascals-you
Juvenile renegades-you who are SO mis-
celIaneously fond Of females seriously,
solemnly, soberly and sincerely advise
you 10 &c, Gagged as soon as you can aye,
90 and nibble at that attractive bait winch
Hymen fastens upon the spindle Of natTl-
mony, and when you are once caught
you will thank your stars that you have
no. only escaped bacheloric misery, but
are reveilng in the sweets Of hymerial
honey. For remember, my young hope
fuls, that although you may now
ding up to your armpi.s in youihtul euJ6ys
ment. the time may yet come when yon
will be left childlcss and homeless through
the snow banks Of misery. My hearers.
one and all-take proper precau'ion from
my preaching, and put yoqoeelves logeth.
er after the manner in which, the God OF
Nature and the laws of man intended you
should conjoin.
Take my word for it, [wi.hout any ex-
ira charge) and by so doing you will be
happier, holier, and have better foot-hold
in society than by remaining single, sour.
solitary and sin-steaked: for, bear IN mind
that when the butterfly days Of the young
bachelor are pas,-when the bur,hen Of
years grows heavy Upon his back when
he has no warmer friend at night than a
warming pan and no more constant COM
panion Than cat--he will repent, and re-
prei that he has not chosen wife in his
former days. to cheer him with her smiles
warm him with her loye-and make he
latter end comfortable.
Ny friends-,hlnk Of this nobody
nouns for the bachelor when he dies--
nobody cares for him while he llves-no
body weeps for him when he's gone-ar(