Wisconsin herald, and Grant County advertiser. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1844-1845, 1845-10-11
From the N. Y SPIRIT of the Times.
The fastest funeral ON rccOrd!--a mel
aucholy fact recorded tO the sold un',
nv The u,nae rInixer r,EmNrif.

|
The fastest funeral ON record!--a mel
anchOiy fact recorded tO the sold un''
by the undertaken himself.
Huran IIurrah! the dead ride fast
Dost fear to ride with me
Burgers "Leonora."
"This fellow has made no feeling of his business"
Hamlet.
Mr.. P.:-I had just crossed the long
bridge leading from Boston to Cam
bridgeport, and was plodding my way
on foot through that not very agrcea-
BILE suburb, on a sultry afternoon in
July, with a very crcditable thunder
cloud coming up in my rear, when a
stout, elderly gentleman, with null
berry face, brown coat, and pepper
and-salt smalls, reigned up his nag and
after learning that was bound for
Old Cambridge, politely invited me to
take seat beside him in the little sort
of tax cart he was driving. Nothing
loath, | consented, and we were soon
en- route. The mare he drove was a
very peculiar animal. She had few
good points to the eye, being heavy
bodied, hammer headed, thin in the
shoulders, ld-faccd, and rejoicing in
a stump Of tail which was almost en-,
tire innocent of hair. But there were
slots Of muscles" as Major Longbow
says, in her hind quarters.
"Sbe aint no Venus, sir" said my
new acquaintance, pointing with his
whip to the object of my scrutiny
"handsomeis as handsome goes. Them's
my sentiments. She's a rum 'un to
look at, but good 'un to CO."
| Tndeed!"
ayes sir! That there mare, sir, has
made good time-I may say, rery
good time-belore the hearse."
"Bcfore the hearse."
Before the hearse! S'pose you
never heard of 6urying a man o"
TIM? Pm a sexton, sir, and under
taker. Jack Crossbones, at your SER
vice-'Daddy Crossboncs," as they
call me at Porter's."
"Ah! / understand. Your mare
ran away with the hearsc.'
Gran away! A child could hold
her. Oh! yes, of course sheran away"
added the old gentleman, looking full
in my face with very quizzical cx-
preston, and putting the fore-hnger OF
his right hand on the right side OF his
part colorcd proboscis.
any dear SIR" said |, "you have
excited my curiosity amazingly; and
should est EN- il as particular favor il
you would be little less oracular and
little more explicit"
{" don't know as I'd ought to tell
you," said my new acquaintance very
slowly and tantalizingly; "if you was
one of these here writing chaps, you
might poke il into the Spirit of the
Times, and then it would be all day
with me. But | don't care if do
make a clean breast Of it. Honor
bright. you know"
"Of course"
"Wcll then, live piece up beyond
| Old Cambridgc-you can see our stee-
pie oil on hill to the right, when you
get a little further. Well, one day !
had customcr-(he was carried off by
the typhus)-which had TO be footed
into town-cau,e why? he had a vault
there. Sol rubbed down the old mare
and put her in the fills. All! Sir!
that critter knows as much as Injun,
and more than a Niger. She's as so.
Der as be id when she gets the shop
that's what | calls the hcarse--be-
hind her. You would not think she
was three minute nag, to lock at Der.
Well, sir, as luck would have it, by a
sort of providential Inspiration, the day
before, I'd took off the old wooden
springs and set the body on eliptics.
For | thought it hard case, that a
gentleman who'd been riding easy all
bis life, should 90 10 bis grave on wood
en- springs. Al! | deal well with my
customers. 1 thought Of patent boxe.
to the wheels, but couldn't afford it and
the parish are desperate stingy.
"WelI, / got him in, aud I'D of the
slring--fourteen hacks and "a dearborn
wagon, at tie tail Of the funeral. We
made a fine show. As luck would