The Columbia Democrat. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1837-1850, 1845-11-08
Guack Doctors.

The Knlckerboeker gives (he subJoIn
cd, which is pretty good illustration
Of the general value OF quack medicines
'rhere are probably many people nov
living, who remember the celebrated
Jew quack doctor, Reuben Nathans, VIII
fourshed some forty years since, an'
whose medicines the Chinese Bal
sam of Life,' end the Celebrated H@lr
Invigorating Lotion made so muct
noise at the time. But few, presume
have heard Of the anecdote l am abou
10 relate concerning him. When The
doctors medicines were first announced
to the world, a simple minded laborint
man purchased one bottle OF the Lotion
and another Of the Bllsam, for his wife.
who had q consumptive cough of many
years standing, and was besides threat
ened with the total loss OF hrr hair
The woman used both remedies accord
ing TO directions, and as is usual with
ignorant people in such cases, though,
they were really doing her a vast dea
of good The cough seemed to her to
be going away rapidly, she 'brealhed
freer,' while her hair appeared to be
coming back again thicker than ever.
As q natural consequence she felt very
grea, confidence in The. medicines; and
when the first lot of Bs'san was all used
she sent her husband 10 get the bottle
allied again. The doctor asked the man
how The medicine operated 'Oh, graod-
lyr replied the husband; my wile's
coughs e'en-a most gone, and her
hairs all coming back again as Eery as
ever.' 'Ah,' said the doctor, 'hatS
the way my medicines always work.
There's no mistake about them. They
re just what l call them, the greatest
wonders of the age,' spose you've no
object on 10 giving me your sfidavilI'
'Oh, no, replied the man, thars just
what my wife wants me 10 do The
couple then repaired to the mayors Of
6ce, when en- alidavi, was drawn up,
sworn TO, and witnessed. On returning
10 the doctors chop, the Quack took up
the empty botls for the purpose of re
filling it. Uncorking it, he put it 10
hi. nose and smelt Of it. 'Why, wha'
can this mean" he e4rclamed, in some
sslonishmeui; and then, after looking a,
the label, he smelt il again.
Why sir, this isn't bahSam, though
the label says so, but hair lO,ionI' .Han.
io,ion or not, replied the man, pointing
20 the bottle, 'thars what cured my
wife's dreadful cough, and The stuff in
fhe other bottle at home is wha! made
her hair grow sgainP Strange! strange!
repeated the doctor, with puzzled coun-
fenance; Il don't know whatto make Of
Is. Will you be kind enough, sir, just
TO step back and ge, the other bottle
-sthe hair lotion, mean?' The man did
go, and soon returned with the lotion
bottle. The doctor took il, and appli
cd his nose TO the mouth. '.And this,
said he, sis just ss surely the balsam as
the other is the lotion. DON'T you think
there was some mistake on your part siIl
are you sure that what was ia this bot
tle made your wfe's hair gov again"
|Just as ssriin as Pm alive replied the
man, 'for [ always turned II out myself,
while Betsey held the spoon.' The doe
tor sat down ina chair, and, laying a
finger on his nose, seemed buried in
profound thought. -'Ahl ] see he at
length exclsimsd, and jumping up he
filled the empty bottle again. 'There,
sir said he, giving il 10 The man, and
hurrying him 10 the door, 'sll's right
sir, was little bothered, that's all.
Call again when that's gone, and you
shall have another for nolhing.' A.
soon as he had shut the door on his Gus
toner, tbs doctor called IN his coniiden.
tial man from the laboratory 'Mo-hes,
said he, we've made great mistake ir
our guess work after oil. pve beer
studying ver' hard, lately, and just dis
covered that our LOTION ia the sluf I,
cure the coughs and The consumption,
the balSsm is the besht TO make The hal
grow. We musht change The labels.
THAT'S unlucky,' replied The man, 70
we've go, four Thousand bottles, tw
thousand of each kind all ready to sen
away tomorrow Wei, vel,' said III
doctor, 'you can change the labels.
you have time; Il not send them of I
they are. 'Ils'l mesh matler!'