Southport telegraph. [volume] (Southport, W.T. [i.e. Kenosha, Wis.]) 1840-1850, 1845-03-03

his dimes. He may do as an old friend of
ours once did, make out bil-s.op, we
have il somewhere about-ah! here it is:
Nancy CATcHEM,
To DAVID DUMPS, DR..
To l6 serenades, one doller each, SIG 90 |
10 buggy rides, 81 and so cts. each, Is 90
+" 50 boquets, say dollar each, 50 O6 |
90 days time lost, al dolls. per day, 276 90
$3.50 90
To this Davy added large sum in the
way of damages for friends lost and a doc
tors bill. Blu; this, however amusing, will
not heal light pocket any more than cure
a heavy heart.
In pursuit of the widow we thinned and
paled rapidly. Love-making, as Montezu-
ma Dlwkins correctly remarks, is ''purty
fun" but it can't last forever, and in our
case we determined TO end it or our exist
ence by the uniried experiment of popping
the question: which was more easily deter
mined upon than accomplished Oppotu-
nifty after opportunity escaped without ac-
comprising the object. Either our cour-
age oozed out at the proper moment, or the
widow, with the tact Of skilful hand, led
us from the point. Bat come it must; and
we fixed time, and inwaIdly swore the
matter should be settled then or never.
Returning in the evening from fash
onable church, tie choir of which the wi
dow frequented, we determined should be
the occasion of our desperate undertaking.
We prepared little speech. We settled
ourselves into pair Of untaied incxpress;-
bles, and passed nearly an hour in COM
pressing our understanding into new boots.
Finally, with pain at onr toes, we walked
the widow to church. She passed up to the
gallery, and we seated ourself in a pew half
way down the principle aisle. The Rev.
Mr.. Leatherlungs was popular divine, and
the house was crowded to excess, and warm
to sutiocaion. The heat began soon TO
effect our pedal extremIies. Our boots
were too small in the first instance; and be-
fore the Reverend gentleman was half
through, we were suffering the agonies Of
the damned. Talk of thumb-screws and
the rack! they are nothing to swelling feet
in tight boots ! They grew worse every
minute. We had fevers and numbness-
sharp pains, dull pain, running pains. and
ttliOUUiilS pains. ouI ldSC was ulStlCU-
our body bent with agony-escape there
was none. The architects of the church
understood human nature, and placed the
pulpit near the entrance, SO that after the
congregation was once seated, none could
escape until the sermon had been heard and
paid for. Nay, had the Reverend gentle
man fallen down in an appoplectic fit, and
thereby left the way clear, doubtful had il
become whether we could have walked
Relief must he had! and desperately we cut
our straps, fixed our left foot under the stool
used to kneel upon, and gave yerk. We
upset the stool, and sent it with a considera-
BILE rumpus several feet on the floor. We
persevered, however. pulled off one boot
and left the other partly on. Delicious. oh
delicious beyond expression was the relief
afforded. While the congregation is dis
persing, we can easily sioop down and pull
on our boots. Dclusivc hope The last
hymn was at last sung-the bepedicton
glven-the congregation began to disperse.
We stopped to try the boots-we pulled,
we strained, we kicked, we yerked-boot-
less-'twas all in vein. Not an inch would
our foot advance. Horrible fact! Our lit
tie widow tripped down the aisle, and stood
talking to the sexton, evidently waiting for
MS near the door. The refractory boots
would not 90 on.
We have danced war-dance with the
Potawatomies; we have gazsd upon he Py-
ramlds while resting under the shadow of
camel; we have seen the vast prairies of the
West, and thousands Of buffaloes hording
together; we once saw hog go ever Mia
CARA Falls !; we have taken tea with Anne
Royal and we have been in many stua-
tons that called up emotions from the bottom
OF the soul-but never, no, never in one
that hooked up the same sense of an awful
reality as the fix that night.
There stood the widow, waiting impa-
tiently for US. We couldn't hide in the
pews and be locked up III the church-no
trap opened in the floor through which we
could disappear in fash of blue-light.-
Desperate at last, we seized our boot and
started out. With our left foot unnaturally
elevated some inches, 1--WE measure six feet
two) with the big toe Of cur right foot
shamefully sticking out Of dirty sock, we
travelled at quick pace with a very cranky
oho Ugly iDOttou. UC WIDOW saw lis aD-
proach with look of utter as.onishment.-
With face glowing like furnace, we
slowly banged TO the door, paused on the
Threshold for about moment to hear some
merry peals of laughter, and then flew home
having our speed considerably increased
at one corner by a little urchin screaming
out-"Co 1t boets.n
We have had, since the event here re-
corded, many ups and downs of various
character. We have had our head much
settled by the weight of Blackstone, Chity,
&c, but 10 this day we feel grievously af-
flicted at the most distant aIlusion 10 our
misfortune. Even while enjoying play,
we start nervously should the pit -Trollope
conyic ted-raise the cry of " bootsi"
According TO the Cincinnati Mirror, a
man who was hanged lately in a neighboring