Wisconsin herald, and Grant County advertiser. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1844-1845, 1845-02-01

Then or never
Returning in the evening from
fashionable church, the choir of Which
the widow frequcnted, We determined
should DC the occasion Of cur dcsper-
ate undertaking. We prepared a lit
tie speech. We settled ourselves into
an untricd pair of inexprcssiblcs. and
passed nearly an hour in COMPRISING
our understanding into new boots. FL
nally, with pain at our heart and a
pain at our toes, we walked the wild
ow to church. She passed up to the
gallery, and we seated ourselfin pew
half way down the principle aisle
The Rev, Mr.. Leatherlungs was a
popular divine and the house was crow
dcd to excess, and warm to suiication.
Tie heat began soon TO affect our pc
dial cxtrymities. Our boots were too
small in the first instance; and before
the Rev. gentleman was half through,
We were suffering the agones Of the
damned. Talk Of thumb-screws and
the rack! they arc nothing TO swell
ing feet in tight boots! They grew
worse every minute. We had fcvcrs
and numhncss-sharp pains, dull pains.
running pains, and throbbing palms.
Our face was flushed our body bent
with agony-cscapc there was nonc.--
| The architects of tho church under
stood human nature, and placed the
pulpit near the entrance, SO that ai-
ter the congregation was once seated,
none could escape until the sermon
had been heard and paid for. Nay,
had the Rev. gentlemen f,Ilcn down
in an apoplectic fit, and thereby left
the way clear, doubtful had il become
whether we could have walked. Relief
must be had! aud desperately we cut
our straps, fixed our left foot under the
stool used to krel upon, and gave n
york. We upset the stool. and sent il
with considerable rumpus a dozen feet
on the floor. We preserved, however,
pulled off one boot, and left the other
partly on. Delicious, oh delicious be-
yond expression was the relief afforded.
While the congregation is dispensing,
we can easily stoop down and pull on
orr boots. Dclusiyo hope! The last
hywn was at last sunS-thc bcncdiction
given tho congregation began 10 dis
pcrse. We stopped to try the hoots---
we pulled, we strained, we kickc.l we
yerkc -bootlcss twas all in vain.--
Not an inch would our foot advance
Horrible fact! Our little widow trip,
ped down the aisle, aud stood taking
to the sexton; evidently waiting foru>
near The door. The refractory boots
would not 90 on. Horrible fact!
We have danced a war-dance with
the Potawatomies; we have gazed up
on the pyramids while resting under
the shadow Of a camel; we have seen
the vast prailics the West, and thou
sands of bunaoes herding together; we
once saw a hog go over Niagara Falls;
we have taken tea with Inn Roydii;
we have been in many situations that
called up emotions from The bottom Of
the soul-but never, no, never in one
that hooked up the same sense of an aw-
ful reality as the fix that night.
There stood the widow, waiting
impaliently for us. We couldn't hide
in the pews and be locked up in the
church-no trap opeEed in the floor
through which we could disappear in
fash Of hlue-light Desperate al last,
we seized our boot and started out
With our left foot unnaturally elevated
some three inches, 1--WE measure six feet
two) with the big toe Of our right foot
shameiully sticking out OF dirty sock,
we Travelled at quick pace with very
cranky motion. The widow saw us
approach with look Of utter asionish-
meni. With face glowing like fur
mace, we slowly anged to the door,
paused on The threshold but for mo-
mentto hear some merry peals of laugh
ter, and then flew home having our
speed considerably quickeaed at one
corner by a little urchin screaming out
500 IL, b0ofsv
We have had, since the event here
recorded, many ups and downs Of va
rious character. We have had our head
much settled by the weight Of Black
stone, Gritty, &C.; but 10 this day we
feel grievously afflicted at The most
distant allusion 10 our MISFORTUNE
Even while enjoying play, we start
nervously should the pit, -Trolope
convicted-raise the cry of "bOois,"