Boon's Lick times. [volume] (Fayette, Mo.) 1840-1848, 1844-08-10
SHORT PATENT SERMON.

SHORT PATENT SERMON.
The words OF my text, by somebody, may be
found somewhere, as follows:
And as fretful antiquity cannot be mended,
The lonely life Of the bachelor S ended.
Nobody means him, and nobody sighs.
Nobody misses him-nobody cries;
For nobody greves when the bachelor dies.
My dear he4rers-However sad lonely and
sorrow.stricken as are old maids, and however
much we may feel disposed to ameiorate their
cord tion it ought TO be known that the situa ions
Of old bachelors are equally unenwabe. They,
too, are amulty ears Of corn, thrown over upon
the other side OF the heap Of humanity, TO re.
main unheeded, and perhaps, never husked at
all; and they don't seem 10 care whether the
argus.eyed world looks upon them or not, SO
long as the n spring Of self keeps its temper,
and the misanhropy continues in motion. From
their dark dens Of celibacy they fancy they eau
look out upon the mingled muItitudes OF EARTH
and enjoy the moving panorama OF mankind,
unseen and unnotlced; but il they could only
taste the bitterness Of the scorn kept in store
for them, and be made sensible OF their own
fooshness and folly, am sure they would
throw open the doos OF their gloomy cells, let
in the light Of love, and crawl out 10 bask in The
warm sun Of matrimony.
My fi.nds-An old bachelor should recollect
that he is an agent Of the Almighty that he
was sent here not only being, but to assist in
the manufacture OF such models OF humanity as
the advancement Of science, civilization and re.
fnement requires. He is not OF the neuter gen.
der-neher should he be passive; but do, act,
and accomplish and show 10 the world the dif.
ference between Z man and dyspep!ic monkey.
An old bachelor, my friends, so long as he re-
yl,,lo .. ab,.l,,
lump Of locomotion, nonopoiizng altogether too
much room in the social circle; and consider it
an ex.fayagaut waste Of raw material for Naure
to aaluse herself in rigging up such an uaproGta.
bic specimen Of the genius homo He is
grape vine, growing in wilderness OF wo-
budding Perchance to bloom, but neve. to tsar.
He is false fowe: in the gay garden Of the
world, tint never flctihes, but fades and falls
beneath the premature fEosts OF cherries exist
ence. Blu! my dear friends, the old bachelor is
sensitive Icing witha He has heart Iiks
wax, that will receive the most delicate impres-
sions, though it caa never melt in the warmth
OF love. Yea, his heart predomirates over the
pluck, and the threads Of feelings are so finely
spun that sometimes the least breeze Of dsre-
spcct will snap them assunder, and leave the
fckled web OF his happiness as tatlered and
torn as paper ki;c in hail storm,
My hearets-ii there are any old bachelors
among you, ia whom there can be found single
spark Of vE.il:y smoulderjng in the ashes OF de-
termined neglect, | advise you to get Up and
shake yourselves and 60 out and take smell az
those half wirhered flowers, commonly called old
maids who, by your own obs.inacy, have been
!e(. to dr1op ard decay in the shade Of tisap.
poinment. Yes, 90 rowland depend upon il,
they will cheer up and revive, prosper and pro
duce-and cause the parent shrub 10 put forth
fresh leaves OF =. And, my dear young ras.
caIs-ycu yu"cne renegades--you who are so
m scelaneously fond Of females! seriously,
solemny, soterIy and sincerely advise you to
get Gagged as soon as you can; aye, go and nibbls
at that attractive bait which Hymen fastens upon
the spindle Of matrimony, and when you are once
caught, you will thank your stars that you have
not only escaped bacheloric misery but are rev.
cling in the sweets Of hymenial honey. For
remember, my young hopefuIs, that although
you may now be wading up to your armpi;s in
youthful ENJOYMENT the time may yet come when
you will be LEFT chIdless cad homeless through
the snow.banks OF misery.
Ny hearers, one and all-take proper precau.
ton from my preaching, and put yourselves 10.
gether after the manner in which the God OF
Nature and the laws Of man intend you should
COlJO'H' l dhe my WVtu IOT H. (W!LnCGt my
extra charge and by so doing you will be hap.
pier, ho eT, and have better fooLkold in society
than by remaining SINGLE sour solitary and sin
s,reaked; for bear it in mind, that when the but.
Iertly days Of the young bachelor are past-when
the burihen Of years grows heavy upon his back
when he has no warmer friend al night than Il
warming pan-and no more constant companion
than cat-he will repent, and regret that he
had not chosen a wife in his frmer days, to
cheer him with her niles warm him with her
Iove-and make his latter end comfortable.
My friends-lhink OF this nobody nouns for
the bachelor when he des-nobody cares for him
while he lives-nobody weeps for him when he's
gone-and nobody sheds tear upon the turf
that covers his carcass. Reflect upon this, We
bicheIoTs, and amalgamate with the opposite
gender SO that you may pass your days in honor
and in peace, and no. sleep entirely alone in the
S lent lhaub,r + The tomb, So mote it be!
Dow, JR.