The Madisonian. [volume] (Washington City [i.e. Washington, D.C.]) 1837-1845, 1843-11-02

tendencies leading directly to general demoraliza
ton. AS sentnels placed one of the watch tow
ers of the press, to guard the morals of he people,
hold it to be our duty to expose the sophsm and
| to counteract its pernicious influence.
| We say then, and wo say it boldly that it is
criminal to lay your hand upon the umbrella of an
other" save in the way of Observation-Disclosures first
| an umbrella does cost some man money. Bear wit
that shop Charres street. to which thrice this
season have we repaired, and there dsbursed each
time six bits for cotton parapIuteand well cheated
at that! Again, the article possesseth an intrinsic
value. 1t will measurably protect white pants, in
which, unsuspicious OF an approaching shower, you
may have invested your neither person lit is efectu
| al to preserve your upper works from drenching-a
calamity not dstastefu only, but hugely hazardous
to health in this climate; and lastly, it mitigateth
| the fervor of the SUMS rays, while you are on
your way to noontide lunch, and thus pre-.
serveth from pestence. The umbrella has an in
trinsic value, therefore, and in consequence man
should not make free with one which is his neigh
boris. Again, did umbrellas cost nothing, or were
their value to be far less than we have estimated it
above, 1t is yet sinful, hold take another mans
because it doth inevitably provoke to great and un
seemly wrath on the part of the person from whom
may be taken, and perhaps to cursing and swearing
Most men, observe, can control their tempers
when pocket knife is taken from off their desk and
pocketed; when they loan careless friend their
pencil, who loseth or forgetteh to return the
But we never yet met him-frequent as is the
rence-who could endure the loss of his umbrella
u
rent and peculiar instinct which teacheth him to guard
his right Of property in umbrellas--an instinct i'm
planted in his nature with strength proportonate
to the necessity Of its continual exercise viola
ton of it almost insuperably eadeth to breach Of
the third commandment.
We think we have now indicated three points
for we have only space to indicate them-upon which
an unansw cradle argument might be. based against
the vulgar adage which we started to- expose. But
we should not push our doctrine to an undue, an Of
fensive extreme. That there are degrees of guilt in
umbrella stealing we freely admit, dependent upon
various considerations, of which some are peculiar
in their nature, and worth, perhaps, a mo-
ment's attention. In the first place we deem
it vastly less criminal to steal very elegant
gold-mounted silk umbrella, than cheap gingham
or cotton This looks, at first sight, like modf-
cation of that moral law which Providence enforces
through our natural conscience, and which teaches
us that the degree of guilt bears direct relation to
the amount OF wrong done. But pause moment.
The possession of silk umbrella, with jeweed or
deliberately carved head, is almost unerring proof
that the owner thereof hath six bits about him to
buy another With--less tasteful in outward show,
but nearly servceable. But in taking "a cheap
aud nasty" umbrella, you ought to know that you
may be robbng him who has not the wherewthal to
replace it. The distinction here endeavorng
to point out may not be obvious but it is sanctioned
by that universal sentiment of society which declares
that he who robs the government the banks of
tens OF millions is far less criminal that the urchin
who takes tho tenth of dollar from the till. Again,
It involves unquestionably far less henous moral !
offence to steal umbrella when it violently,
that when the weather is merely threatening in its
aspect The degree Of outlines, in fact, is in eX-
acly inverse proportion 10 the violence Of the storm
and the utility of the article to the legitimate
Ihls looks paradoxcal on paper, but reduce it to
practlce-est II by the most usual analoges. Does
the poor wretch who by stealth obtains loaf for a
starving family compare in baseness with him who,
not needing it at the time, takes the poor value of
loaf simply because the opportunity presents? And
does not every feeling mind palliate instnctively
the guilt Of him who steals for subsistence, pre-
ciseIy in proportion to his degree Of restitution
and craving appetite So it is with umbrellas. The
united voice of society would scout the man who
should prefer to get wet" to taking his friends
brela, and " what everybod says must be right"
The conclusion, then, to which we Jump from
these considerations is, that there is moral culpab
ty involved in the taking of umbrellas in the abstract
but the highest conceivable degree Of infamy attaches
to the crime, when you steal poor one, and il is
not raining at the time. And illustrate this posi-
ton by case in point, we deem that man who the
other night, when it was fast verging on to the
small hours" when the e6ulgence Of :" the starry
armament on high" was unobscured by single
cloud, when neither heat rain could have tempt
ed him, carried off from Johnson's en-pn alleys that
umbrella of ours-cotton in its fabric, small in its
perfcial dimensions, with huge, clumsy stick for
handle and crooked at that with brace unhinged
in fine, an umbrella of deplorabe aspect,-we say
that deem the man who perpetrated that offence,
the most Infamous Of umbrella stealers-an unalloy
ed and unmitgated knavc, the impersonation 81 the
doctrine OF total depravty.
But let us not be betrayed into unbccoming
warmth OF feeling let us turn our attention from
this odious aspect of umbrella stealing and view the
subject in some of its genter lights. We promise
to be BRIEF
Stealing is hard word by which to qualify
any act which gentleman may commit with
out losing his selfrespect. There of
obtaining " the and occupation" of umbrc-
las not your own, sanctioned by the customs Of
polite society, which may be proper to touch upon
as germane TO the subject in hand. The first and
most obvious is borrowing from friend. However
prevalent this mode, upon the most mature consdera
ton of the point, deem il only little less
criminal than TO purlon one. IL shower be imm
nent and there be equal occasion for the two TO
it, we regard this offence Of dye deeper
than TO take good silk umbrella when the owner is not
at hand, and it rains hard. To borrow, however, an
umbrella already borro,oed-supposng yourself not TO
know who the original owner ISIS often allowable,
and IS always so when it rains it did yesterday.
Nor need you be particular to return it, 1t has pass
ed into rule in these matters, too absolute to be
shaken by Quxotc theories of abstract right, never
to return borrowed umbrella until it has been re
peaedly called for by the owner and the farther re-
moved from the original owner you may be, the less
anxious need you be to make restitution The precise
number of days OF retention OF borrowed umbrella,
10 make your title to it absolute against all clai
mants, is little uncertain Some think fortnight
long epough-others rely months possession;
but this rule is always modified by this general con-
sideraton, that the time dimp.hes the number of
hands through which the umbrella has passed in
creases.
Again, lay it down fixed rule, sanctioned
by immemorial usage, that when you go for your
umbrella to a stack of them you are entitled to a
free choice from the entire lot before you. He
who should not select the very best one in it,
would be deemed spooney by the very men
whom he should spare. This is admitted apothegm
in umbrella ethics.
The last mode to which we have time to allude, of
acquiring an indefeasble right in an umbrclla-and
il is the most common and the most iDnocent-is to
ask the clerk Of frst-rate hotel FOR He
poets the is prepared to meet your wishes-he is
always prepared for it. A stock is laid in for the
purpose the outset, much stock Of waters
| and sealing wax, free for all the boarders. But the
hofin Of uhI L.,