The daily Madisonian. [volume] (Washington City [i.e. Washington, D.C.]) 1841-1845, 1843-11-02
THOUGHTS ON UMBRELLA STEALING.

trisns we hold this 10 be utterly untrue and IN all Il
tendencies leading directly TO general demoraliza
ton. As sentineis placed On one Of the wa'eh-to~
ers of the preAs, TO guard the morals Of the people
we hold II TO be our duty 10 expose the soph@m an'
To counterfeit its pernicious influence.
| We say then, and We say Il boldly that II y
criminal To lay your hand upon the umbrella oil an
other" in the way Of kindness because, hrst
an umbrella does cost money Bear wit
that shop IN Charres street, TO which thrice TIN
season have we repaired, and there disbursed eaef
time six bits for cotton parapieand well cheated
at that Again, the article possesseth an intrinsic
value. II will measurably protect white pants, II
which, unsuspicious OF an approaching shower, yot
may have invested your neither person lit is efoctu
| al 10 preserve your upper works from drenching-s
calamity not dislasteiu only, but hugely hazardous
| to health in this climate and lastly, II mitgatet
the ieryor of the suns rays, while you are on
your way TO noontide lunch, and thus pre-
serveih from pestiience. The umbrella has an in
| trnsc value, therefore, and in consequence man
should not make free with one which IS his neigh
boris, Again, did umbrellas cost nothing, or were
their value 10 be far less than we have estimated II
above, IT is yet sinful, hold, to take another mans,
because it doth inevitably provoke to great and un.
seemly wrath on the part of the person from whom
II may be taken, and perhaps to cursing and swearing
Most men, we observe, can control their tempers
when pocket knife is taken from of their desk and
pocketed or when they loan a careless friend their
pencil who loseth IT forgetteth TO return the same.
But we never yet met hm-irequeDt as rs the occur
rence-who could endure the loss OF his umbrella
with complacency. Man appears to possess an nhe-
rent and peculiar instinct which eacheth him TO guard
hls right of property in umbreIlas-an instinct inn
planted IN his nature with strength proportionatc
TO the necessity of its continual exercise viola
ton of it almost iDsuperaby lcadeih to breach of
the third commandment
We think we have now indicated three points
for we have only space to Indicate them-upon which
an cradle argument might be based against
the vulgar adage which we started to expose. But
we should not push our doctrine to an undue, an Of
ensive extreme. That there degrees of guilt in
umbrella stealing we freely admit dependent upon
various considerations, of which some are peculiar
in their nature, and worth, perhaps, mo-
ment's attention. In the first place we deem
it vastly less criminal to steal very elegant,
gold mounted, silk umbrella, than cheap gingham
or cotton one. This looks at first sight, like modif-
cation of that moral law which Providence eniorces
through our natural conscience, and which teaches
that the degree of guilt bears direct relation to
the amount OF wrong done. But pause moment
The possession of a silk umbrella, with iewelled or
deliberately carved head, is almost unerrlng proof
thasihe owner thereof hath six bits about him to
bdAenother with-css tasteful in outward show,
but nearly serviceable But in taking ga cheap
and nasty" umbrella, you ought to know that you
may be robbing him who has not the wherewithal to
replace it.. The distinction we are here endeavoring
to point out may not be obvious but it is sanctioned
by that universal sentiment Of society which declares
that he who robs the government the banks Of
tens of millions is far less criminal that the urchin
who takes the tenth of dollar from the till. Again,
it involves PROFESSIONALLY far less henous moral
offence to steal umbrella when it rains violently,
that when the weather is merely threatening in It's
aspect. The degree Of outlines, in fact, is IN ex.
acy inverse proportion 10 the violence OF the storm
and the utility of the article to the legitimate owner
This looks paradoxcal paper, but reduce it TO
practce-test it by the most usual analogies. Does
the poor wretch who by stealth obtains loaf for
starving family, compare in baseness with him who,
not needing 1t at the Time, takes the poor value OF
loaf simply because the opportunity presents' And
does not every feeling mind palliate nstnctivey
the guilt of him who steals for mere subsistence pre-
csey in proportion TO his degree of restitution
and craving appetite So il is with umbrellas The
united voice of society would scout the man who
should preer TO ''get wet TO taking his friends UNI
brella and " what everybody says must be right"
The conclusion, them to which we Jump from
these considerations is, that there is moral culpab H.
ty involved in the taking of umbrellas in the ABSTRACT
but the highest conceivable degree of nfamy attaches
to the crime, when you steal poor one and il is
not raining at the time And to Illustrate this posi-
ton by case IN point, we deem that man who, the
other night when IT was fast verging on to 60 the
small hours" when the eGulgence of 90 the starry
armament high" unobscured by single
cloud, when neither heat nor rain could have tempt
ed him. carried off from Johnson's en-pin alleys, that
umbrella of ours-cOton in its fabric, small III lis SUI
perticial dimensions, with huge, clumsy stick for
handle, and crooked at that, with brace unhInged
In DIc, an III Ufela Oh ueplOfaOe aspeCt,-We
that deem the man who perpetrated that offence,
The most Infamous OF umbrella stealers-an unalioy-
ed and unmtgated knave, the impersonaton OF the
doctrine of total deprayity.
But let US not be betrayed into an unbecoming
warmth of feeng;-let Us turn our attention from
this odious aspect Of umbrella stealing and view the
subject IN some Of lis gentler lights, We promise
to be brief
Stealing is a hard word by which to qualify
any act which a gentleman may commit with
cut losing his seli-respect There of
obtaining " the use and occupation of umbrel-
las not your own, sanctioned by the customs of
polite society, which may be proper to touch upon,
germaue TO the subject in hand The first and
most obvious is borrowing from friend. However
prevalent this mode, upon the most considera
ton of the point, deem il only a little less
criminal than TO purloin one. Ii a shower be immi-
nen and there be equal occasion for the two 10 use
it, we regard this offence of a dye even deeper
than 10 take good silk umbrella when the not
at hand, and IT rams hard. To borrow, however, an
umbrella already b0rroced-suppusIng yourself not 10
know who the original owner isis often allowable
and is always so when IT rains il did Yesterday.
Tor need you be particular TO return it. 1t has pass
ed into rule IN these matters too absolute TO be
shaken by Quxotic theories of abstract right never
to return borrowed umbrella until it has been re
peaedly called for by the owner and the farther re-
moved from the original owner you may be, the less
anxious need you be to make restitution The precise
number Of days of retention of borrowed umbrella,
10 make your own TILE TO IL absolute against all clai
mants, is little uncertain. Some think fortnight
long enough-others rely months possession,
but this rule is always modified by this general
sderation that the time dimini,hes as the number Of
hands through which the umbrella has passed in
creases.
Again, lay it down a fixed rule, sanctioned
by immemorial usage that when you 60 for your
umbrella TO stack Of thcm you are entitled to a
free choice from the entire lot before you. He
who should not select the very best in it,
would be deemed a Sp0oney by the very men
whom he should spare This is an admitted apothegm
in umbrella ethics.
The lasi s.ss.sc t - L~.~ 'i-,a 10 allude of
acquiring an lnueleaslDe right IN umbrella nd
II IS the most common and the most nnocent--is TO
ask the clerk OF a hTs-ratc hotel for one. He ex-
poets the IS prepared to meet your wishes-he is
always prepared for it. stock is laid ia for the
purpose in the outset, as much a stock Of waters