Burlington free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1827-1865, 1842-05-20
SOLOMON sGlnaIIosu :
THE WOMAN Halter.

Solomon Swallow was bachelor, and
somewhat rusty too bnt nevertheless he
had made up his mind to one thing-,I,a, he
was the only man living who had acquired
anv knowledge of the sublime art of taking
care of "A wife. 'AIi the married men were
dolls was Solomon S constant observation.
There, for instance, is my ncighbor Tom
Tangible; his wife makes IA sort of three leg
gcd stool Of him: she Stoves him into one
corner and then into another and sits on him
and walks on him, in short treats him like
nobody in the house, while he poor man takes
it as easy as though il were the most natural
thing in the world. Now we're only Tom
Tanaible. IL first write a series of matri-
monial rules, and if Mrs. r. didn't abide BY
them, Id submit her to the wholesome dcci-
pline Of bread and water and paddock: and
mayhap brighten her ideas, touching her con-
jugal duties, by the application of cowIide
and there again are Everard Easy, and
Dick Snooks-and a host more of them in
the same condilion-but I'm the boy that
will set them all RICH, if they will only fol-
low my example, after | have condcscended
to endow some fortunate female with the le-
gal claim to the title of Mrs. swallow
Brave Solomon Swallow.
well, Solomon said ncighbor to him
one morning, 'as you are always Boosting of
your skill in managing wife, how comes it
that you are not married"
Why because | have not quite perfected
my system! You poked your head into the
moose without. making preparation, and hence
Mrs. Evcrlack makes what she likes of YOU |!
But go to work logically. begun by STU
dying the crudite works of Zingabrazoo, on
the philosophy of making woman hold her
tongue. then read several ireatzcs, on the
effect Of bread and water discipline of making
good wives Shakspcare's Tanning OF the
Shrew, furnished me with few practical
lessons. And am now generalizing all their
system into one ; which shall carry the sway
in all the future generations, and convert the
plague OF malrlmony into blessing. In the
course of year or so, (added Solomon) my
rules for the regulation of women, q intend
to publish i,,) will be completed, and then
will take unto me wife
And Solomon was as good as his word, for
al the age of lhirly-flve, feeling himself pre-
pared 10 give battle To any woman in or out
Of the land olIhe Amazons, he got married.
AT this important period, Solomon was a
puffy, comfortable looking little fellow as
You would meet in a days walk for albeit,
the crown Of his head never stood five feet
from the heels of his boots. lie had corpo-
ration that would have done honor TO an al
derman, o, even lord alderman, or even a
lord mayor; and his gait Especially when
walking with anything in the likeness of a
womvn) was as pOmpous as Sultan's while
at such times, his councnance always assum-
ed an expression of female familiarity.
The lady whom solomon had chosen for
his worse' half, was apparently "a modest,
lamb-llke creature, so that the chances were
very fair that she would not only be iracta-
BILE wife, but that Mrs. Swallow would need
no help from his system to make herso. Now
Solomon had the iUrbcarance not to interfere
with the lady's sayings and doings on her
wedding day-nor is it recorded that he as
sumed any special authority on the first night
either;-bu about six o'clock the next NOR.
ming, he softly insinuated to his sleeping part
ner,--that il was time TO get up. And when
breakfast is ready call me, bat oe sure YOU
dvn'I burn the toast