The Hillsborough recorder. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1820-1879, 1841-09-30
SOLOMON SWALLOW.
THE WOMAN HATER.
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Solomon Swallow was bachelor, and
son-whai rusty 100; bur nevertheless he
hal made up lis mind 10 one llling-,ha,
he was the only man living who had ac.
Oaired any knowledge OF The sublime arr
Of taxing care of wife. .AII the mar
Iisd men were dolls, " was Solomon's con-
slant assergeration. sThere, Cor instance.
j. my neighbor Tom Tangible; his wife
makes sort Of ihree-legged stool Of him;
she shoYes him in one corner and then n
another, and siis on him. and walks on
him. AM in shnrt treats him rs IL ne was
nabaly in the house: while he, poor man,
taxes Il . easy ~ though il were The most
natural thing in The wlid. Now were /
only I'm Tangible. Id first write a Sc
ries Of matrimonial rules. and if Mrs. Il.
didE't abida BY them, Id submit her 10
the wholesome discipline of bread and
water and paddock; and mayhap bright
en- her ideas touching her coniugal duties,
by the application Of good cowhide.
And there again arr Eycrard Easy, and
Dick Snooks, and host more Of them,
IN The same condiiion-bui I'm The boy
that will SCI them Ill right, IL they'll only
fellow my example, after | have cOnde-
scenlel 10 enlow some fortunate female
with The legal claim to the tillc OF Mrs.
swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow!
well. : ilamon," said neighbor 10
lin on maTniag, "as you are always
hoas;iag Of your skill in managing a wife,
how crm $ /; iha, yoa are not ma.riea!"
why because ! have no, quite per-
f,clcd nv system. You poked your
heal into the nose wilhou; making any
preparation, and hence Mrs. Evcrclack
mikes what she likes Of you. But 20
% work logically. | began BY slldying
the eriidiie works Of Zengubrazo =. On
the Philosophy Of making a woman hold
her tongue" | then read several treaiises
"On The eifert OF bread and water dis
cipline in the making Of good wives"
Shakspcare's " Tanning the Shrew" fur
ni.hsi me wiki some excellent practical
lessons. And am now gencralizing all
these systems into one, which shall carry
the sway in all future generations, and
convert The plague Of matrimony into i
blessing. In The course Of year or So"
allied Solomon, . my rules Cor The regn-
latioa of woman Il intend to publish ~
viii be completed. and then shall take
unto me 4 wife"
Aud solomon was as good as his word,
Tor at the age of Ihiriy.iige feeling HIM
self prepared to give battle to any woman
in or OFT of the land of the Anazons,) he
go, married. Al this important period,
Salon III was a p1tfy comfortable look
iig little fellow As you'd NEE, in a days
walk; f,r albeit, the crown OF his head
nager stool five feet two from the heels
Of his boots, he had corporation that
would have done honor to an alderman,
of even lord mayo;; and his gait, espe-
cially when walking with anything in the
likeness Of woman, was as pompoas as
suliaa's; while at such times his cOun-
tenance always assumed al expression of
female familiarity. The lady whom So
lom1n had chosen for his woasER half,
was apparently modest, lamh-like crea-
uro, 50 tina; the chances were very fair
iha, she would not only be a tractahle
wife, ha, that NJ. Shallow would need
NJ help from his system to make her so.
Now Solomon hal the fofbearance no; 10
interfere with the latly's sayings and do
iugs on her we ding day, nor is itrecord-
ell that he assumed any special authority
on the first night either; but about six
o'clock the mex, M ,rning, he softly insi-
mated to his sleeping partner that it was
tine TO re, up. And when breakfast is
really yoi call me, bat be sure you d)n't
bira the toast"
Breakfast and toast" sail Ms. Swal-
low, why what do you maan!'
WAY my dear mean madam that
] have begun my system.
AL won't You get mp t1o!
Yes, wasn b,clSias, is ready, AMI my
stocking. aired"
Ms. Swallow was about to reply, but
she checked herself, rs she was ashamed
u say much to him on so short an ac-
qaaialaaca; but though in the present in
stance she did precisely as she was bid
she resolved in he: heart that it was the
last time that she would get up at six in
the morning 10 prepare breakfast
AT eig,, o'clock, every thing being Il a.
dy, Ms. S valow called 10 Mr.. Swallow,
Breakfast is ready, MIR. Swallow.
is the toast made"
e Yes" ....
And not baraed!"
No"
"Arc M stockings aired!"
Yes" -..r. .s......s.... .....-.,
+" You'll d. qao,h NJ. Swallow, and
to breakfast he went, having first received
Their services of the blushing Mrs. Swat