Southern Argus. [volume] (Columbus, Miss.) 1834-1842, 1841-04-28
From the Athens Bachelor.
A CHAPTER ON BUSTLES.

A CHAPTER ON BUSTLES.
Bustlesl-what are bustIes Az, reader,
fair reader, you may well ask that question:
But some ofyou at least know the meaning Of
the word, and the use Of the article it desig-
nate. sufficiently well, though thank heavenl
there are many thousands Of my countrymen
who are as yet ignorant ofboth, and indeed TO
whom such knowledge would be quite USE
less. Would that / were in equal innocent
ignorance! Not, reader, that | am of the fe-
male sex, and use the article in question, but
my knowledge ofits mysterious uses, and the
materials Of which it is composed, has been
the ruin of me. viii have inscribed on my
tomb, Here lies a man who was killed by
bustle!'
But before detail the circumstances of my
unhappy fate, il will perhaps be proper to give
a description of the article itself which has
been the cause of my undoing. We'll, then,
hustle is--an article used by ladies to
take from their form the character of the We
nus Of the Greeks, and inpart to it that Of the
Venus of the Hottentots! That ladies' should
have taste so singular, may appear incredi-
BILE; but there is no accounting for tastes, and
know to my cost that the fact is indisputa-
bic. / made the discovery few years since,
and up to that time had always borne the
character of sedate and promising young
man-Qne likely to get on in the world by my
exertions, and therefore sure to be helped by
my friends. | was even, l fatter myself,
favorite with the fair sex too; and Justly, for ]
was their most ardent admirer; and there was
one most lovely creature among them, whom
/ had fondly hoped 70 have made my own
But, alas! how vain and visionary are our
hopes ofhuman happiness:such hopes with me
have fled for ever!
In an unlucky hour | was at ball. seated
at little distance from my fair one, my eyes
watching other every air and look, my ears
catching every sound of her her sweet voice
when | heard her complain to a frend,in tones
OF the soitest whispering music, that she was
oppressed with the heart Of the placc.-'My |
dear, her friend replied 1t must be the effects |
OF your hustle! What do you stuff it WITH
Hair-horse hair was the reply.-IIair!
mercy on u.s.! says her friend, IT is no wonder |
you are oppressed-thai's hot material truly. |
Why, you should do as do-you do not see |
me tantlng; and the reson is, that stuff my
hustle with hay-new hay!
heard no more. for the ladies' a9rrehend- |
ing from my eyes that was listener, chang |
ed the topics Of conversation, though indeed It |
was not necessary, for at the time | had not /
the slightest notion Of what they meant
Time, however, passed on most favorably TO /
my wishes-anOther month, and should have |
called my Elizabeth my own She was on |
visit to my sisters, and had every opportunity |
TO make interchangeable. We sang togeth- |
or, we also talked together, and we danced to-
gether. All this would have beenverry well,
but unfortunately, we also walked together
IL was on the last time We ever did so, that
the circumstance occurred which have now
to, relate, and which gave the first death blow
TO my hopes Of happiness. We were crossing
the street, her dear arm linked in mine, when
we Glanced TO meet a female friend; and
wishing to have little chat with her without
incommoding the passengers, we got to the
edge Of the trOftier, near which at the time
there was standing an old white horse totally
blind, harnessed GA caleche. He was a quiet
looking animal, and none could suppose his
physlOgnomy that he had any savage propensi-
ty IN his nature. But imagine my astonish-
ment and horror, when.I suddenly heard my
charmer give scream that pierced me to the
very heartl-and when perceived that this
atrocious old blind brute, having slowly and
silly swayed his head round, cought the-how
shalt describe it-caught my Elizabeth-re-
ally can't say how-but he caught her; and
before ! could extricate her from his jaws, he
made reefin her garments such as lady ne
YER before suffered =
AS rapidly as could, of coursc, got my fair
one into caleche, and hurried home, the
truth Of the ball room tete-a-tete gradually
opening in my mind as to the true cause
Of the disaster-it was that the blind horse
hungry brute had been attracted by the smell
OF my Elizabeth's hustle, made of hay-new
hay!
Elizabeth was never the same 20 me after
wards-she took the most invincible dislik,
to walk with me, or rather to be seen in IN,
streets with me. But matters were not We
come to the worst, and | had INDUCED il
hopes that she woul1 yet be mine. | haG
however taken deep aversion to bustles, an
even determined to wage war upon them I
the best ofmy ability. In this spirit, a fe'
do afer, determined 10 werak my vengeanc
on my sisters hustle, for found BY this tim
that she too was emulorous of being q Hct
tentOts beauty. Accordingly having to accom-
pany her and my intended wife to ball,
stole into my sisters room in the course of III
evening before she went into it 10 dress; an
bouncing upon her hated hustle, which Law 9
her toilet table. inflicted a cut on il wit
my pen-knife, and retired. But what mi
take did makel Also it was not my sister
hustle, but my Elizabeth'sI However "
went to the ball, and for time all wei
smoothly on. Itook my Elizabeth as a par
ner in the dance; bnt imagine my horr,
when perceived her gradually becomin
thinner and thinner, losing her en- bon poi
as she danced; and worse than that, ever
movement which she described IN the figure
the ladies' chain, the chnsSe--was accuratel
marked, recorder, on the clalked floor vii
bran. Oh dear reader, pity me; was CIV,
man so unfortunate! This sealed my doom
she would never speak to me or even look
me afterwards.
But this was not all. My character wit
the sex-ay, with both sexes-was also d,
stroyed, I, who had been heretofore, as
said, considered an example Iof prudence an
discretion for young man; was now set dow
as a thoughtless, devil-may-eare wag, and tn
woman turned their backs upon me; and I
thus in reality they made me what they ha
supposed was. # was indeed no wonde
lorf could never alter see lady with a bu
lie. but ! felt an irresistible inclination [
laughter, and this too even on occasions whe
should have kept grave countenance.
met a couple Of country or other friends
ehoetroet and inquired after their family--th
cause. perhaps, Of the mourning in which the
s',ore alfred, I to their Rstonishment wou
I've 40 laughing, and If there was horI
...y ne rive the lady push away to anothe
ss,stion. And if then | were asked Il
T.esning Of this ill-timed mirth, and singnll
saovement, what could says Why, SONS