Boon's Lick times. [volume] (Fayette, Mo.) 1840-1848, 1841-08-14
A SERMON FOR OLD MAIDS.


In the last number of the New York
Sunday Mercury, the celebrated Dow, Jr.,
thus feelingly discourses from the following
text
There lives no goose so grey, but soon or late
Will find some honest gander for mate.
Ny hearers--It is my intention, in this
present discourse, to pour the balm of con-
ISOLATION into those fostering wounds of
doubt and dependency, with which that
unfortunate class of beings, called Old
Maids, are so severely afflicted fl, Dow
Jr., the high-pressure preacher, fail in afford
ing them that consolation which they so
earnestly desire, and so much stand in need
of, their cases must be desperate indeed.
and past medical, moral, or ministerial skill.
We know very well, my friends, that wo-
men are not all geese, neither are men all
gamblers, however striking the analogy may
be in particular instances; nevertheless, |
can make application of my text. 1t ought
to be source of great qualification for that
portion Of the female sex, whose hopes of
matrimony are time-tattered and teasing, to
know that every goose-nO matter how Old
it may be-wilI, sooner or later, find some
honest gander for its mate; and yet when
tell them that the reason why every goose
finds its gandcr is solely because ganders
are allowed a plurality Of wives, don't
know but they will sink corset-deep into
despair, and give up for lost. Yet it is SO,
nv friends. Geese always outnumber the
ganders; and were it not that the latter pos
scss themselves of more than one wife each,
thousands of the former would be destined
to pick their grass in solitary pastures,
and die mateless. Now, when we come to
allow the necessary deduction for the havoc
that war, intemperance and other contin-
gencies, makes in the ranks of the male part
of mankind, we shall always find that the
petticoat tribe claims vast majority
throughout the world. How, then, are they
TO get married unless plurality of wives
is allowed? Now, don't like to preach up
any doctrine that is calculated to 90 against
the popular grain; but my private opinion,
publicly expressed, is, that the present artl-
fetal state of society is an outrageous en-
croachment on the rights and privileges of
the female sex, and that poligamy is in as
perfect accordance with the laws Of God
and Nature as in the union between five
grey geese and a white gander. twas prac-
tiscd in the good old primeval times, when
nature ruled rather than fashion; and the
women were all happy then, if they were
not so wise and wicked as now.
NY friends-l know full well that there
are thousands of old maids, covered with
the mildew of age and dependency, who
would rat!ser have half quarter, fifth,
or even decimal, of a husband, than no
husband at all; and it is sin and a shame
that such vast quantities of heavens
most precious material should be allowed to
perish in cclibacy because the matrimonial
market is monopolised by the miserable
minong of corrupt and venaI CUSTOM
As the world is constituted, one man can
better maintain three women than one wo-
man can provide for herself; and postcrity,
instead of suffering in consequence, would
increase like grasshoppers in the middle of
August. 1t was intended by the all-wise
Maker Of the universe that every woman
should have her mate, as well as every goose
its gander; and that she should accomplish
before death the great end for which she
was created. Therefore, if there be a su-
perhuity Of the feminine gender in the
world, they ought to be divided off into par
GELS, great and small, and every man choose
for himself, according to the power Of his
physical strength-the length and breadth
of his affections-and the depth of his de-
sres. Every unmarried female has an in
disputable claim upon the love of some man;
and what, allow me to ask, my friends, is
the use of that love unless it be boiled down
and sugard off il the golden kettle of IIy-
men! None at all. You might as well UNI
dcrtake to suck honey from the contents of
barn-yard because bees do the same, as to
suppose you can taste the true spice of love
till it partaken of in the cake of matrimo-
ny.
Ny dear females The chances for all of
you being made happy in the holy bonds of
wodlock look rather scrumptious, | must
confess. My heart is full of the soothing
syrup of sympathy for you; but that can
never alter the DEGREES Of fate. If it is or
dained by Providence that you are to die
old maids, my preaching canno more avert
the doom than it can abolish the everlasting
established system of future punishment
When the summer Of your lives is drawing
to a closc-when your rosy charms are be-
ginning to fade like the sprigs upon your
calicoes-and when, like leailess, vineless
squashcs, you have grown withered and yell
low in the dole October Of existence--you
will find that Cupid will disdain to frequent
your auiumnal bowers; and the shrubs of