Southport telegraph. [volume] (Southport, W.T. [i.e. Kenosha, Wis.]) 1840-1850, 1841-09-07
NJ | S G. L l. l. A II L O L S.
THE BEST STORY EVER TOLD

HE BhSI STORY EF ER TOLD.
A correspondent, has sent US the follow
ing capital story over which we have laugh
ed until our sides ache.
ave had a pleasant trip from New Or
leans to Cincinnati, and had scarcely land
cd at the latter place, hen the bell of the
little steamer for sup the river sounded.
Our party hurried on board ard found the
diminutivc steamer already crowded; but
we never cxpcctvery goodaccommoda,ion
on that part Of the river, and no other op-
portunity offered for leaving soon, we con-
Guided to remain. Upon looking round to
see what chance for amusement on our trip
from my fellow passengers, was particu
larly struck with the appearance of an cl-
derl y lady, who seemed very i'll at ease.
Every time steam was allowed to escape
from the boilers, she appeared to fancy it
the prelude to grand explosion, and was
evidently in state Of continual excitement
AS she is to be my heroine, may rs we'll
attempt to describe her, although shall
hardly do her full justice. She was one
Of tho tallcst woman | ever saw, but the
effect of her height was taken away by her
immense breadth. She was one of Nc
Donald Clarke's style Of Lcauties-' with
waist like a cotton bag, and foot like q
founder" Never did | see such NOV
ing mass of flesh encircled by poticoat.
Oh! she was rery fat. Upon inquiry,
learned that she had been a passenger on
the steamboat r, at the time i: was
burned q few years before, and narrowly
escaped with her life. Only few weeks
had elasped since the catastrophe of the
Ben Sherrod, by which some scores Of
haplcss mortals were hurried into eternity
through the combined agency Of fire and
water. What wonder that the woman was
alarmed al the prospect Of steamboat
voyage.
"After we left the landing, the princi-
pal topic OF conversation among the pas
sengers, was the numerous accidents that
had lately happened. Nearly every per-
son was equipped with life preserver,
and some were so cautious as TO hang them
up in their bcrths filled with air and rea-
dy for use at moments warning. Night
came, and all were snugly ensconsed in
their births, when there arose the cry Of
fire! The wood on the bow Of the boat had
| caught fire, and was blazing fiercely up,
shining through the glass doors Of the So
cial hall and the cabin windows until the
whole boat seemed enveloped in sheet of
flame. In an instant all was confusion and
alarm. Passengers tumbed out Of their
births, and over one another; some grasp
cd their preservers-s ran for their
baggage-some for their wives-the wise
ones kept quiet. In the nidst Of the hub
bub the doors Of the ladies' cabin flew wide
open, and out burst our fat lady dressed all
in white, her face a map whereon terror
was drawn in all lis shapes and around
her waist huge life prose- RIVER, not inflated
Selling this by the nipple with both hands,
she rushed from one TO another exclaining
in voice of agony, 'bloac me mp! bloac me
up! for Gods sake blOw me up! will nobo-
dy Noac me up' Had the old lady actual
ly exploded, must have done as ! did,
roll on the floor in a fit Of inextinguishabl
laughter, with half the witnesses Of the
scene for my companions. The boat was
stopped, the fire got under, and not the least
difficult operation, the fat lady's alarm sub
dled The next day we landed her at her
place Of destination, since which time |
have never seen her, but the recollection Of
the scene has cost me many fit Of the side
ache.