Herald of the times. [volume] (Newport, R.I.) 1830-1846, 1839-01-03

Major Downing.
10 he Editors Of The .Ws,o York Erpress-,he
same paper my old friend Mr.. Dwight
printed spell ago.
GENrLEMEN-I send you Letter for Con-
gress to read under Uncle Sans authorlty,-.
who wishes you TO publish 1t with my hgure
head at the top on't TO show that Is gen.
wine. II must be in Washington on or be-
fore New Years day,-for that is day when
folks feel timber aud shake hands, and don't
feel so grabbed aud cross grained as they do
on most other days.
Your friend,
DOWNING, Major
Downingville Militia, Cd Brigade.
TO CONGRESS.
| Uncle Sam has requested me to give you
my notions about the abolition inatlers That
now is taking up more Of your time than he
thinks he can afford to pay for, seeing that
other matters want attending to. ! nave ne
yer had but one notion about this abolition
matter--nDd that is, that II IS one of tlat sorl
that ci;s into the noddlcs of old women OF
both sexes on account OF there having moth
1 ing else there at the time to occupy thein'
aud then they go to caekiing and that sets
other folks eackiing aud so arter spell all
get a cacklipg till something else gels up.
permost, and then another egg is laid, and
then comes another cackliDg about the new
egg--and so it goes on from time to eternity.
1t was jist SO with Anti-Masonry spell
ago. Years have come and gone-Gencral
Washington was mason and so was pretty
much all our good folks, and nobody ever
troubled themselves about the matter-crops
come along one artcr the other and all naluI
work'd without any trouble about masonry
or anti masonry all at once up rose
an awful cackLe and il seem'd for spell that
if folks didn't stir themselves that all creation
would, utter the coming crops, come to
stand still-tEe Union melt away like snow
ball in June-and the pigs git into the corn
fields. There was my old neishbor Deacon
Doohiile one of the spricst old chaps in rals'
ing early garden sass, and the best pump.
klns in the hull country round-a man allow'd
TO be so knowing in most matters, that It was
n common saying that who ever bought the
| Deacon for fool would lose money by him
he heard the "anti- masonic" cackte and
took I'D the same notion. call'd on him one
| day and instead of finding him in his garden,
(which was all overrun with weeds) | found
| him reading anti-masonic addresses. Its
all over with US Major" says he,-" the end
of creation has come ut last"--and he fetch
cd deep groan-"it it is only wonderful to
| me" says he I" that the country has prospered
as t.has ever since the independence with so
many .HaSons in it-and we have all ben so
blind too all the while to the sartin destruc.
ton all around us-Lord have marcy on us"
says he-and with that old Miss Doolitlle and
all the young ones set up an awful howl as IT
the last day had come sure enuf. The Dea-
con however had one thing to comfort him.
and that was he said that there was jist enuf
anti-masons" left to work out an election Of
President and Congress who hadn't ben on
"hot G,idron,-and he didn't mean to raise
another Potatoe or Ear of Corn or Punkn
till that was done. | left the Deacon sitting
on that egg, and the next time seed him,
was right in about the middle Of the United
States Bank war,--more than a year arter,
q nd the times got to be pritty pinchy. dropt
in upon the Deacon found him boeing out
some blue grass among his Cockumhers.
twisted and ;urn'd all matters and things OF a
public natur, but the Deacon never said one
| word about the nasons and anti-masons-il
was pritty clear that the Deacon had enuf o
| n humbug-and then, agin, the last time
was down that way, right in the thlckest o
|" .4beliiion Petiiions"-butt the Deacon wasn'
! TO be caught but once--and see he had hi:
eye teeth cut" things 60 well enuf for me
Major" says he, and if any man catches me
negectIng my grounds agin TO cackle with
| him over any egg he chooses to throw IN my
nest, he is amazingly mistaken. "Why'
| says he ga man would have nothing else to
do all his life time if he folow'd up all these
idle fanatics and sometimes political vaga-
bonds who arc etarnolly getting up one skeme
arter another-hrst masonry and anti Mason
ry-then nullfcation--thcn Banks--then
nothing but gold-then abolition and Sub
Treasury, and the Lord knows what next
and telling US from time to time, that any
one Of these if not attended 10, to tue neglect
Of every thing else, would most sartinly end
in sending every created thing all to etarnal
smash"
/ But, says ], Deacon how do you manage
through em all ? "Well," says he. Major
\ III tell you-and have had leetle expert
ence in the matter as you know: in the firs
place have stopt oil cackling-when my
| work is done, and have no business on hanc
in family matters, read the Bible spell
and then take a look into the Constitution
| Of the United States occasionally, and at elec
| ton times select out the best and honestesI
| men can find TO vote for-and if every bo
dy would do the same thing, my notion is we
woulG bring out of all trouble and get every
| thing to work smooth and right, and we should
hear no more of these dreadful things that
some folks ore talking about that are to bring
ruin on the country" But, says !, here Is
trouble now in Congress about this plagy alb
clifton question-one set bring in bushels OF
petitions, and another set say they hadn't
ought to be receiv'd at all-how is that to be
managed says l.? "Well" says he Major
III tell you, would take EN- all in, but with
out stopping other business to read em jus
yet, for suppose they are prit,y much al
alike, and then would say that as soon as
they are done coming, 50 as to give all fan
chancc-Fd appoint committee who shoult
| agree to read em all over carefully, and see
if there is any thing in em 10 show that any
part of the Constitution is violnted by no
granting what the petitions ask for-BUr .
on the contrary, any one Of all Of them petit
ions asks Congress to do any thing contrary
TO The clear meaning Of The Constitution, as i
was understood when it was made and agreed
Ito-then / would call that member of Con
\ gress, who offered such petition right ~
and give him copy Of the Constitution ant
tell him TO git that by heart, and the mex
time he attempted another such unlaigfut dc
I'D send him home." We'll says ], that is
neo notion. "No it ninrt says he, it's a.