Maumee City express. [volume] (Maumee City, Ohio) 1838-184?, 1839-09-21
Whole No. 1873.
LAUGHABLE STORY.

the misfortune which befel an American
gentleman upon visit to lady in Paris, to
whom he bore letters of introduction. Af-
ter relating number of ludicrous and
amusing mistakes upon his entrance into
the presence of the lady, he thus proceeds:
The ordinary routine of n French dinner
commenced. A regular series of servants
appeared each instant at elbows, inviting us
to partake of a Thousand different kinds of
wine, under strings of names which no
more understood than understood their
composition, or they did my gaucher,es.-
Resolute to avoid all further opportunities
for displaying my predominant trait, sat
III the most profound silence, say ing om to
every thing that was offered to me, and eat
ing with the most devoted applica,i,n II, till
my fair neighbor, tired with my taclturnty
and her own, at length herself began con
versatlon by enqurIng how | was pleased
With the opera. ! was just raising large
morsel Of potatoe to my mouth, and in order
to reply as quickly as possible, l hastily
thrust 1t in, intending to swallow it as has
tlly. Heavens. 1t was as hot as burning
lava. What could | do? The ladys eyes
were fixed npon me waiting reply to her
question. But my mouth was in tlames.-
rolled the burning morsel hither and hith-
er, rocking my head from side to side, while
my eyes, winch involuntarlIy had fixed on
her, were strained from their sockets. She
regarded my grimaces, of the cause OF
which she was ignorant, with an expression
OF amusement and surprise, at which | can
laugh now when think fit.
Monsieur is i'll! at length she gently and
IN an ANXIOUS tone inquired; | could bear
no more. My mouth was haying with in
toIerlb'e pain; so quietly abandoning the
point, ! opened 1t to the utmost, and out
dropped the internal brand upon my plate.
Not the slightest tendency to rislblty ruff
lled the mperturabIe poteness of the lady.
She soutnngy condoIed with me on my
misfortune, then gradually led the conver-
sarIon to a variety IF topics, til eXerting
the magic influence that true pollteness al
ways exercises, began to forget even my
own bIunders. Gradually my cheeks burn
ed less painfully, and could join In the con
vers ,tlon without the fear that every word
| uttered shared the fate of the action at
tempted: | even ventured to hope, my to
congratulate myself that III catalogue Of
caumlties was completed for the day.
Let no man call himself happy before
DEATH, said Scion, and he said wisely. The
ldcs Of March were not yet over. Before
us stood dlsh of caullhower, nicely done
in butter. This ! naturally enough took
for a custard pudding, which it sufficiently
resembled. Unfortunately my vocabulary
was not yet extensive enough to embrace
all thG technicalltles of the table, and when
my fair neighbor inquired if was fond OF
c4o.Hcur, verify took it to be the French
for custard pudding, and so high was my
panegyric Of it thatmy plate was bounttul-
ly iadened with it. Alas, one single mouth
ful was enough to dspel my illusion.
Would TO heaven that the ChpijleW had
vanished with it. But that remained bodi-
ly, as gazed despondingly OH the large
mass that loomed almost as large and burn
ing as Vesuvius, my heart burnt within me.
Ashamed to confess my mistake, although
| could as readily have swallowed all equal
quantity Of soft soap, struggled mantully
on against the mountainous heap AT its base
and shutting my eyes and opening my
mouth to !nhale as large masses as could
without stopping to taste it. But my sto-
mach soon began intogibly enough to in
innate its intention to admit no more Of this
nauseous stringer beneath its roof il not
even eXpeling that which had gained an
unwelcome admission.
The seriousness of the task had
undertaken, and the resolution necessary to
execute it, had given an earnestness and ra-
pidity to my eXertions which appetite could
not have inspired, when my plate, having
got somewhat over the edge Of the table,
upon my leaning forward tilted up, and
down slid the disgusting mass into my lap.
My handkerchief, unable to bear so weigh
ty load, bent underin its turn, and great
proportion of it landed safely III my hat
The pllte rIghted itself--as raised my
person and saw us glanced my eye around
the table that no one had noticed my dlsas-
ter, inwardly congratulated myself that
the nauseous deception was SO happily dis
posed Of Resolved not to be detected, !
instantly rolled my handkerchief together,
with It's remaining contents, and whipped 1t
into my pocket.
The diner table was Mt length deserted
ior the drawing room where coffee ana Ii
0uor were served round. Meantime had
sought out what considered IL safe hiding
place for my Lat, beneath chair III the din
ing room, for dare not carry it any longer
in my hand, having fist thrown 4 morsel OF
paper, to hide the cauliIlower, should any
one chance in seeking for his own hat to
look into min.
On my return 10 the drawing room,
Glanced to be again seated by the lady by
whom had sat at the table. Our conyer
satlon was resumed, and we were in the
midst of an animated discussion, when IA
huge spider was seen running up her arm.
lake 1t uif,-take it off, she calculated
in terrible voice.
was always ufraid of spiders; so, to
avoid touching him with my hand, caught
my pocket handkerchief frommy pocket, and
capped ii at once upon the mlscreant, who
was already mounting over her temple with
rapid strides. Gracious heavens! | had
forgotten the caulllower, winch was now
plastered over her face like an emollient
poulticc fairly killing the spider, and bin
ding an eye Of the lady--while little stream
lets of OF soft butter gllded gently down her
neck aud bosom.
Mon dleu! Mon dieu!' exclaimed the as
tonlshed fair.
'Mon dieur was re-echoed from every
persons mouth.
u,yc wan cut vonr handr in0uired one