The Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1837-1867, 1838-03-20
A CHAPTER FOR GRAHAMITEs.
M Yankee Notions: by Timothy IMcTaocU, Esq.
THE SCIENCE OF STARVATION.


from Yankee Notions: by Timothy 7GucrlocU, Esq
THE SCIENCE OF STARVATION.
The SAwpUsT JOURNAL, Il newspaper which
has been for some time established in this city,
must, we think, convince any man vino will take
the trouble to read it, that eating is very dam
serous business. 1t is astonishing to perceive
what nultltudes have died of roast beef mutton
broth, and such like slow poisons. A consider
ale man wonders to find himself alive, and is fully
convinced that he ought to have been dead long
ago. But to show that people are determined
not to sit still and be poisoned huy longer, we
make the following extract from the editors col =
respondence.
To The Editor Of the Saeodust Journal.
Gooseborough, Dec. 20, 1887
FRIEND WITHERsHINs II wrote to you some
time since for the Library of Starvation, and the
Sawdust Journal; hope you will send those
excellent publications as soon as possible, with
any other works you may have OH the subject of
short commons. Public attention now strongly
turned towards these subjects, and we really
hunger and thirst after everything in the shape
of bare bones. Doctor Suwdust has been lectur-
ing in this place, aud produced quite an excite
mcnt; his proofs of the pernicous consequences
OF eating food were i'll the highest degree con-
vncing people discovered themselves 10 be sick
who never drcamt of the thing before indeed,
it is very clear that but for Dr. Suwdust, we
should never know half our misiortunes. Fresh
nieat is now held in utter abominatiou among
ut Il great rate; all the cows are cashiered, and
the poultry have been obliged 10 cut and run.
AS for beef steak, | need not say, such thing
is not TO be had for love or money; sausaGes are
entirely ont OF demand, except such rs are stuffed
with red baZe and turnips and / verify believe
the ghos, of a sleeps head would highten whole
community. Flesh, in fact is quite out of the
question, and nothing is fish that comes to net
here; man could not get even Il salt eel for his
supper. All the dogs have run mad, and every
cat in the town has departed this life.
| hope, friend Withcrshins we shall have the
peasale~of belolding your hatchet face among
MS before long. You would he delighted to see
the sharpness of our noses, the prominence of
our check bones, and the beautiful lantern like
transparency of our jaws. The good work is
going on, although great many among us are
going off; this, however, cannot be owing 10 tile
change OF diet, but TO the roast turkeys they ate
last winter. There is Il class of young ladies at
Mrs. Nippo's boarding house, who living
(those l mean who will survive) in exact adher-
oncc to the principles of DR. SawGust, and find
their compilations highly improved by it. They
have excellent soup, made of pebble stones boil
ed in cold spring water; sometimes they strain
ii through colander of turnip tops but this the
doctor calls high living. The sawdusl dough
uuts never give them the heart burn; and if you
sliake bunch of radishes at them once Il week,
it is all they want. You never saw a more beau
tful and interesting sight than these young ladies';
they resemble fair and delicate cabbage plants,
growing under the shady side of barn. Their
strength is SO much improved by their Diet that
they have no occasion for exercise, aud never
feel the least desire to walk about. Indeed this
would he somewhat hazardous, for one Of Them
bong abroad on a windy day last week. was nc
ciGentally blown against the side Of new painted
house, where she stuck till somebody came to
her relief. Since this catastrophe they have all
kept within doors, which in fact is much the best
way for true SaWdustrians.
Since writing the above, ] have received ac- |
counts, from the neighbo:ing town of MIDDLETON, |
where DrSawdust has also been occurring. The
good work is going on there. The people have
given UP eating entirely Most of them do moth
ing but cape, though even this is censured as
surerfuous luxury, rs well as the practice of
sucking fog through rye sraws. Tce-Total
Fast Day Forever Associations are rapidly form
ing; Several people have sewed up their mouths,
and assure me the sensation is delightful; others
hold back, and think that knocking their teeth
ont is going far enough However The general
cry is Ego ahead" and think these last must
inock ander in spite of their teeth.
Brother S"ppy lectured on water porridge last
evening, and delighted most enthusiastic audi
ence He gave flaming description OF carrcis
md the mention of onions brought tears into ev-
Try eye. He means next week to take up tie
question on the moral condition of baked beans.
we arc all as thriving corn stalks; there is
lot Il lace in the town that is not pea green.
Yours most emacatingy,
SIMON SCARECRoW.