Maumee express. [volume] (Maumee City, Ohio) 1837-1838, 1838-02-03
0RraITrNAr.I,,| I
sEMI-M0KAE EssAFs.
BY A RETIRED LADIES MAN. Z
mo. NV.

4 "Three gentlemen at once, )" las sageIy says
Good Mrs. Malaprop; thenayou migbt deem,
That he was not even ONE now many rays
1 Were, flashing round him !, and now a thick
stream -. t'''po.5 - ntf
Hid him from sight--lile fogs on Eo6don days.;
Now Burke, now Tooke, be grew to peoples
fancies, arssT4s -,sug WIZ.
And certes often like sir Philip Francis.
1T is ailittle strange that Iohave hardly
become settled in my seat, as the instrnc-
tor Of the readers Of the Maumee Exs
press, before the whole nelghborhood is
ringing with inquiries as 10 who | may
be-. 1t is perfectly astonishing that so
many persons have been charged with,
The authorship Of my Essays, who are,
of all others, the least likely to.meddle
with such matters. Il heard the Rev.s
Mr. Timbertoes remark, the, other day..
that he hadabeen positively prosecuted \
by ,rtain azure membraned members Of
his congregation, of the feminine gem
der, on account Of a supposed resen-.,
blance between the style. of his last
Thanksgiving sermon, and that OF the
Essays of-Ladies--your humble SER
want. The worthy Mayor Of our city
is in similar predicament, though per-
haps not in as much danger Of dismissal
as the Reverend gentleman, still it can
not be sad that he does not shake in his
shoes, for fear something may come out
of the matter not exactly to his liking.
| will not, however, conceal the factt that
have some admirers, and that too, a.
mong those whom, ofall others, Ishould
choose, and the worthy Mayor and trem-
bling Parson may rest assured, that if
matters are dark at present, will carry
them safely through, Tor have the youth,
the beauty, and the wit on my side.---
Have not, then, a tower of strength in
which to confde (? Let the Pharisecs
of this world enlarge the orifces oftheir
eyes, and lengthen the corners of their
mouths, yea, let them speakdespitefully
of my efforts, and d,rogate my talents.
| am content--I an happy, and one
glance of favor from the eye of beauty,
shall repay me for the old maids scorn,
the dry bachelors contumeIy.
But who am /! There, you must ex-
cuse me. Indeed, | hardly know myself
Besides, ! cannot tell the old ones, for,
in the words Of the philosophic Samuel
Weller, my motto is, "nevcr go snacks
with them what's older than you. Cause
why? They'll go for to cheat YOU
And as for the young ones, they have
too many things else to attend to, 10
spend the time necessary to employ all
their acquaintance to assist them in keep
ing the secret. You see how it Isl; Gu
riosity--Ladies, you must rid yourselves
Of your curiosity. But Ilhavc a story
"Ho! no p as Taleyrand said to the
widow; "Ho! hol Then you won't
go snacks with US, will you, sir 7" "Alasl
alas Madam !" as Taleyrand said to
the widow; "Alas alas! sir" they all
exclaim at once, "you are not in earn
est, are you?" "But Lam though, my
darlings." "Cause why, sir Z" a will
tell you the cause, my dears, and the
effects will follow, Of course. 1 have
fourteen good and substantial reasons,
the same number the man had for not
wearing boots" "Name them, sir" p
" The first, then, is, thereis not woman
on the footstool who will have
" Enough, sir, don't name the rest
But lhave heart, Ladies r $50 has
an OK, sir" "But mine is-.v /" You
undoubtedly kmop your own heart best,
sir, and you will give US the effects now,
if you please" 81 have, in the first
place, been punctual in my visits to You
all :" "No more than cou rtesy. sir.n--
" have called often and worshipped at
the shrine Of beauty as -", !" True,
sir, 60 on g And what have, been the
effects Z" .These are what we are wait
lag for" "Alasl alas! Ladiesl
they are these; whenever, the heel
Of my boot has cleared your threshhoid,
you cal! me fool--a soft one--spoiIed
in the baking-weak in the attic story
"a tender spot just under the hair"
g He has discovered it all, and there is
no help for it + aAa Naa8'a
And now, you are all tip-toe to learn
what all this nonsense is about. Curios-
ty curiosity, my female friends, Is
your bane Try to repress it. Totell
you the truth, il is a part Of some family
manuscripts, which have descended to
ny friend Esquire Bullock, and which
he is engaged in arranging for publica-
ion. Does this satisfy you7 No; you
io9not believe it. Well, then, they are
sketches of my own career, as a ladies'