Maumee express. [volume] (Maumee City, Ohio) 1837-1838, 1838-02-17
CHAPTER TX.
YANKEE EATING AND HORSE FEEDING.

Did you ever heer tell Of Abernethy, a
British doctor? said the Clockmaker.--
Frequently. SAID |, he's ah eminent man
and most extensive practice. WeIl.,l
reckon he was a vulgar criter that, he re.
piled, he treated the hon'bIc. Alden Cob
BILE, secretary to our legation at London,
dreadful bad once; and | guess if i, had
been me he had used that way, I'd fx'd
his flint for him. so that he'd think twice
afore he'd make such another shot
as that are again. ! would have
made HIM make tracks, guess, as qnick
as a dog does a hog from potatoe field.
He'd found his way out of the hole in
the fence plaguy sight quicker than he
came in.
His manner, said !, was certainly ra-
ther unceremonious at times, but he was
so honest and so straight forward, that
NJ person was, | believe, seriously, Of
Tended at him. II ,oas his ,cay. Then
his way was so plaguy rough continued
the CIockmaker, that he'd been the bet
ter,il it had been hammered and inau!ed
down smoother. I'd Ievelled him flat as
a founder. Pray, what was his offence?
said !. Bad enough you may depend.
The hon'ble. Alden GobbIe was dys-
peptic, and he suffered great oneasiness
after eating, so he goes 10 Abernethy for
advice. What's the matter with you I?
said the Doctor-jist that way, without
even passing the time O. day with him
what's the matter with you? said he.-
Why, says Alden, | presume have the
dyspepsy. All, said he, see; Yam
'kee swallowed more dollars and cents
than he can digest. am an Anne ican
citizen, said Alden, with great dignity.
| am Secretary TO our Legation at the
Court of St. James. The devil you are,
said Abernethy, then you'll get rid of
your dyspepsy. don't see that are in
ference, said Alden; it don't follow from
what you predicate at all--it amt ma
teral consequence. | guess, that man
should cease to be i'll, because he is called
by the voice of free and enlightened
people to fill an important office (The
truth is, you could no more trap Alden
than you could an Indian. He could see
other folks trail, and made none himself
he was real diplomatist, and | believe
our diplomatists are the best in the
worldly But | tell you it does follow,
said the Doctor; for in the company
you'll have to keep, you'll have to cat
like Christian.
1t was an everlasting pity Alden con-
tradicted him, for he broke out like one
ravin distracted mad. III be id,
said he, if ever ! saw "a Yankee that
1id'nt bolt his food whole like Boa Con
,trictor. How the devil can you expect
% digest food, that you neither take the
roublcto dissect, nor time to maslicate?
is no wonder you lose your teeth, for
you never use them; nor your digestion,
or you overload il; nor your saliva, for
'ou expend it on The carpets, instead of
'our food. Its disgusting and beastly.
You Yankees load your stomachs as a
)evonshire man does his cart, as full as
can hold, and as fast as he can pitch it
With a dung fork, and drive off; and
hen you complain that such load Of
ompost is too heavy for you. Dyspep-
y. en- internal guzzllng. you mean. III
I'll you what, Mr.Secretary Of Legation.
AXE half the time to cat that you do 10
rawl out your words, chew your food
alt as much as you do your filthy to-
acco. md you'll be well in month.
\ ! don't understand such language, sir,
nd Alden, (for he was fairly ryied and
ot hIs dander up, and when he shows
ear grit, he looks wicked ugly, l tell
ou3 tdont understand such language