Herald of the times. [volume] (Newport, R.I.) 1830-1846, 1837-11-30

!,
let US talk II all over ioe ether" 81 am
sorry, Msjm," says he, II cant shake
hands with you Just nnw-my hands are
busy" says he. "What," says |,
"hoidin The money aye, Uncle Sam
both hands full, as usual" says !. "Not
exactly, Major" says he; and with ,ha,
he cum up close TO me, and whispered
in my ear, Il am in bad box Major"
says he, 81 have got so many wives, ]
amt got button left for my suspenders
they are all off" "Dn tell nnw,"
says II want to know I! !" "It's
true" says he, "and you may see for
Yourself" And with that | look'd-and
sure eaaf, there never was II man in such
pickle.
Well, saysI, "Unclc Sam" this comes
from folks givin you bad advice-or
rather by your not takin good advice
You forget, says ], one fact, t,-and that
is, that it was intended that your family
matters should be regulated on the same
plan of every other well regulated iami-
ly-and that tho yours is the General
Gore,nmem family, it was intended to be
regulated Jest on the same plan ms the
family Of the humbIest of"your masters" "
and ,hore, says !, was the mother ~a
Of the thing in the brginnln." What
''masters'" say, he, spunkin up and try
in to swcll-(but takin care 10 hold on
10 his breeches )-"who are my mas
ters?' says he--"Your masters'" says
I,-"Why, Me peopie"-and l am one
on 'em Uncle Sam-and if you had stuck
to the rule they made for the regulating
of your family, you would not now be in
your present condition"
"Now" says I-"Uncle Sam there is
hut one way that can see for you to
take = and that is for you To call all your
tha, you cant have but one wife-and
they must git husbands each in their own
States" Here Uncle Sam shook his
head and Iook'd considerable sad-"l
mn afraid Major" says he, its too late
it was an easy job Ia git rid Of one rife,
but to git rid of so many all at once, ]
am afraid ] shall git spank'd as red as n
cherry" "Never mind that" says ],
"you'll git no more than you desarve if
you do; folks that dance must pay the
fiddler" says |, "Uncle Sam" "Bnt,"
says he "Major must ! dirorce them
alI ~ "No," says |, "therc is no d.
rOrce in the matter, you cant do ,hat un-
less you can prove Grim. con. that's the
Law" says /. "Well ! can," says he,
81 can prove that the Post Office, the
Land Office, and Amos -" "Hush, F"
says "Uncle Sam, don't talk so, for it
is an old story in all countries, that a
man who has more than one wife, is Il
bigger fool than his friends, and has
more friends than buttons. Now don't
say any thing more about it, You have
got into scrape, and the best way is to
git out ont. You'll find that your young
wives will be as glad to git rid Of y on, as
you will be to git rid Of them. But yon
mus'nt talk Of dirorce, or they'll bring
you TO the proof, and show that you first
came courtin. And by the time you
prove guilt on any 'on EN-, m,they'Il git you
son the hip, and keep you there too"
says |; "Now look at your courtin, and
compare it with what j, was its sad
change" says |, "Uncle Sam, aint it'-
howsever," says "my old friend you
have had rare frolic, and this is the
eend oD't-and pr;i'y much the eend of
all frolics. ."--"Now, says l." 1--WE
must 60 and see what can be done with
the old wifc-I'll be bound," says !,
'she is as sound as ever she was, and
not the worse for having taken shelter in
her old natiye State of Pcncilyania. I'll
GO on first" says |, "Cncle Sam, and
tell her to get her buttons and sope ready
for you, and if don't miss my guess, you
will in few weeks look as cherk agin
as boy, and as she is good natur'd
ertter aud likes to see all happy about
her, she will do all she can 10 provide
for the young women you have been
galavantin with of late, for she thinks
you more tc blame than hey be-" "And
them" says ! "Uncle Sam, when all
gifts slick'd up, and you gifts all your but
tons sew'd on, you will have spare
hand always ready TO welcome friend
or knock down an enemy. AT present" :"
says J., "Uncle Sam, you are "hum-
bug'd; And with that Uncle Sam he
twitch'd up his brecches, and spunk' ID
up con siderable, and we moved on to-
gether."
III tell the balance Of this story anoth-
er time.
Your Friend,
] DOWNING. .Mn;or.