The herald., 1837-05-11
NEW YoRK. Nav 9Th. 1897.

. New York, May 9th, 1887
10 >. u. BENNETT Esq.-Dear Sr-Your Herald
ofThursday last asks, "ifhere is no one in The cit,
competent and lotutng TO farour you 1rih treatise
on drumming" ! have waited very patiently, ex-
pecnng that you would have received ere this, dozens
on dozens of applications from the hosts in our city
who now have abundant time to review their past in
dscrcons, and if disposed could furnish you with an
interesting description of their n,o9us operandi and
as now see nothing indicative of disposition on
their part TO do so, have drummed courage up TO
the sticking pont and with all due Difference your
honours honour, beg leave to offer the following pre-
paratory 10 introduction to the subject-beleving,
that definite understanding with yourself, is all nm
portanf, prior TO embarka1n IN cause so vitality as
socIated with the real interests of city, particular
iy 50, as majority of our citizens recognise in you
its oracle and guardian. To that end IL trust yos
Will admit the correctness of the position assume)
annex description of my persona brief sketch of
my early and most prominently developed propens-
ties and quallicahons-an idea OF nay profession and
cxperience-ogether with an abridged history of my
latter end, or in other words mach of my present
situation, as will give fair view of the animal, with
out exciting others ENGAGED with me. Therefore be
il known that stand and 1912 feet in nv stock
ings, and well proporoncd in every respect-walk
erect-and while lying, can put even Jededah Bar
chard in the shadow. My counenance is psry OPEN
with teeth that even you would envy. My eye
black as sloe"-hair and whiskers, do.-complex-
ION rather assmlated with the latter but unlike
certain man IN Wal-street-my features are such as
will warrant the conclusion that my parents were no
amalgamatlonsts. Ny face is well formed, and save
superfaous quantity of nasal apendage would not
have IT altered. Tho as it is find no inconvenience
as look straight ahead-but had nature in her boun-
ty but served me as she did you in planting my two
beautiful eyes in such an awkward position as yours
should never be able to calculate angles as could
not see over and 10 get around my pr0bocs would be
too long process trust the ladies will be graied
with the above delIneation, and proceed to illustrate
some OF my most prominent propenstles and quaifi-
cations for your especial consideration According
TO my earliest recollection, the first important bump
which developed my character total depravty
or SO near kin TO it that my tutor lat Andoper) 50
called It, tho was never believer in that doctrine
TILL Martin Van Buren became President nor of our IL
ability to fall from grace, till the Journal of Com
recently acknowledged the facts of their case
Be sureI never celebrated as rigid student but
always when disposed, could "act well my part" and
thus far my life has been continual series of ups and
downs-to day applauded for my excellence and to
morrow cursed and kicked for my negligence. | was
always fond of fun and irolick but never votary of
fashon-passlonately devoted to the ladies and fine
arts-lhdrtng in my day figured largely 1ciM the for
7ner, and nop, am no ordinary amateur IN painting
and music)-can sing a good sOng-wnte a short
dltty-drnk deeper and come out drer than nny other
man Of my nches-tell larger yarn Of less matter
OF real fact than any other man in Pearl street. and
they do sayl havea wonderful faculty of making peo-
pie Believe It. Thus much of propensity and sum
up all necessary qualification for drumming as you
do for conducting a newspaper, in single word viz
impudence, which combined with good address,
(Which you and both possess is the only desidera-
tum for success, either editor or dry goods
agent II any one doubts the fact, appeal TO yeu
for the one, and a certain unmentienable house in
Western and Southeastern trade for the other
Of my profession il is only necessary to say that
once drummed, and by il drummed myself into a
thriving trade, which, IN return drummed me into a
cooked dp hat And as .or experience don't name
me the same cay with Alderman Peters Why, sir,
have in the past winter visited no less than fourteen
States, and found them all in a most abominable
pickle, and returned here just IN time to be picked
down for the season. Have crossed the Atlantic
three times and eaten dinner in every State and
Territory of our Union. Have, in my day, studied
theology-patronised The bar--iead in politics
groaned ia Wall street-strutted in Broadwdy-feast-
ed at Bob Crttenden's-and foundered in Pearl
street But now-alas for the change-am thread
bare and daily, at three o'clock, regae my self overa
one shilling and sxpenny cut of roast veal and pot Of
ale at G. W. Browns, which (by the way il is glo-
rons place for man who has "dsne business on
Borrowed capital } if others would do would be
practical demonstration of that popular theory of the
day, VIZ, retrcnchment. In conclusion, permit me
TO say that have had taste of all scr, of Conditions
.ofmen"-am familiar with the ways of the world
and but for my extreme didencc Ga thing which you
say yon oyercome) might have been a grea, man
and, were mot ola philosophical turn, believe that
might be still smaller than now am. Bennett am
sometimes inclined TO the belief that every thing that
is is right But when look around me and see who
suffers, and who ought TO, have misgivngs and on
ly regret that all cannot bear affection as Won and
do-though l differ materially with you in some
Polnts-not, however, important ones. For instance
you the very soul Of good nature and never suf.
fer yourself to loss sight of its dlscipne but though
quite amiabis at times easily ruffled and when
once excited all sorts of lightning 1y out
Of my eyes, and every hair on my back becomes the
rankesi kind qf pising bat when in my sober re-
Elective mood, nothing short of a railroad earth
quake can move me. Therefore, it behsove. you to
handle me carefully for am the greatest compound
Of good and evil that was ever exhibed-saving al
ways yourself
You perceive, by the above, ha, have devoted
little time for my own edifcaton in these dull times,
and u II suits you you it-if not you can
serve II as you do all your best frends-abuse it, And
as usual, remain a living monument of ndiscretion,
and a caution to all who do business on borrowed
capital DRumaEp THAT WAS.
vort tt,e lI.r.