The herald., 1837-03-29
A scum Of Bretagses, and base lack'y. pea1snt,
Whom his oercloyed coulery vomiis f'nh

Il
! BRANDRErn, THE QuAcK, in order TO convince the
ladies of the merits Of his pills, (the ladies having
been principally dupea by his quackeries) accuses me
of being an "Old Bachelor" He thinks this terrible
! crime--"old bacheor"-will demolsh me at once,
and raise his vegetable universal pills. to the same
elevation as that tempting pill, hanging on tree,
which fascinated our first great mother-thc
:" Fruit Of that 70 hidden tree
Whoe mortal taste brought death
IS,S wah the ne. world "g Eiaa and d al our woe
He will lose something more than Eden before
close. Yet admit the soft impeachment to certain
extent am bachelor, but not an sold bachelor
not very old one-not an unchangeably old one
mot absolutely beyond the reach of womans smiles
and woman's love- When l reached twenty -hve,
about ten years ago then made resolution never
10 leave that age-never 10 grow older-and therefore
stick at the ripe manly age of twenty-five as peru
naclously any young lady OF "tweny-one' OF
thereabouts" who if her lover dies never gets mar
ried, nor ever grows older. l freely admit that am
bachelor of twenty-five Whereabouts, not because
the ladies could not nave subdued my obstinate heart
long snce-for dear souls, they have too often done
so-but because was told by my mother :" James,
my boy, marry till you can support your wife
and all the little pledges she may in her affection
bring you. Love in cottage, my son sweet is no
great treat unless it be picnic party en- summer
afternoon"
have reluctantly therefore, suppressed all my ten
der feelings towards the divner till could make
one at least happy and Independent in every thing
that wealth, health, and good sense could buy. But
as to my being DID, it is all fol-de-rol. never will
be old never can pass the Rubicon of "twenty.
five, or thereabouts.' will always be young fresh
and Observation-Disclosures fxenf FIVE or therea
Thu: much for the accusation Of the quack-but it
will not avail him. We not TO be diverted from
the erpose of his quackcres by his mpudent invasion
of the privacy of my sacred years-the color Of my
fine hair-the state of my tender heart-or the solu-
ton of the philosophical question: "whether Bennett
is old bachelor young one?" | am twenty
FIVE, or hereabouts"-but this fellows quackeries in
medicine are unequalled in the history of medicine,
his parallel quackeres in literature and wealth.
BY the sale of 100000 boxes of his pills. this IS his
own statement,) he has made little money, possibly
FIVE or ten thousand dollars-no more. BY trick and
legerdemain he passes himself Off on this sum, for a
fortune of Sl00 600. He has his horses and his
riages. But this is not all. He is now printing
play, which is secretly written for him by another
persona writer from Grub street, at 81 ST. per page,
cold wittals and old clothes included. To certain
frr lady of literary tastes, he shows this play and his
paper and palm himself on her for great dramatic
wnter-a second Shakespeare. All this, too is assu-
med by one that cannot write sentence of correct
English, nor is capable Of Penning single prescrip-
ton. His object IS 10 pass of his ignorance for tai
cnt and TO secure the affections of some Of those fair
ones who purchase his pills. His whole success has
been among the fair, who more easily duped IN
pill-taking than our sex.
Without doubt Brandreih is the most superlatve
quack that ever appeared in the world shall appear
in the sequel He fellow to talk about my being TN
"od bachelor!' l would cut my throat rather than
be an old bachelor-but don't know bat marrying
would be the better cure. I'll Try one of these days.
AT present, however, stick at ".,eeny.fre, there
abouis."
THP TEMPERANCE CAusE.-For several years past
the cause Of temperance has made great and sue
cessful progress throughout the country. BY means
Of societies-speeches-bo sermons, and be-
quests war has been waged against the dstillers of
no ordinary magnitude. Probably more money has
been expended on this war; than on the wars Of the
French and American Revolutions.
The distillers Of spirits, and the long rows of un-
lackeed loafers who make up their 'grand army" are
the mos, obstinate rascals in the world They have
their posts every where and scarcely dirty cor
ner in by street of any of our cities or towns tha,
YOU will not find dtherrecrmtng rendezvocs in the groe
shops The army of dsullatlon and drinking ha.
been a monstrous multitude of shoeless, coatless
hatless, breechesless rogues, who, for a noggin OF
clear spirits would willingly pawn of their very shirts
till next day. For several years past these loafers
have fought terribly against the temperance people
The dlstillers-grog selers-tavern keepers-gamb-
-pickpockets- all species Of vaga.
bonds, have cheercd them the valiant king Henry
did his soldiers before Haricur
| ~ Once into the breach. dear friends
I In temp rance nothing so tcsomes man
As modest stiffness and Lumlyi
Bpt when the n IN a iohisksy q in your eye,
4 Then I'm tate the action OF the tiger;
| stiient the snaews, summon NY the blood.
/ Disguise far with hard favored rage
| Then lend the terrible aspect;
Letit pfy through he are Of the head,
Lake the b ass cannon let TN brow o'erwhelr il,
As farf,d, - doth CALLED rock
~'erhsne snd jutiy IS conoundesi base
Swilld with The Wild and wastefsl ocean
Now set the teeth. and stretch the nosnl wide
Hold hsru the bresth, and bend spint
To his fail heeitin
And thus has the war been waging for many years
with unequal and varying fortune. The disters ant
the loaes of late rather appear TO be getting the ad
vantage. The temperance people have ahso become
divided among themselves, and are new generally en-
gagged in demolshing each other about some meta.
physical absurdities rather than roofing out and an.
Initiating the common enemy.