The Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1837-1867, 1837-10-03
MAJOR DOWNING ALIVE.


MAJOR DOWNING ALIVE.
This celebrated parsonage" according to his
own account, has been travelling in foreign parts
with the design OF acquaintng himself with other
Governments, and about four weeks since arrived
near New York, in the ship 1.-TWO Pollies." The
following is the second letter written by the Ma
jor since his approach to Uncle Sans shores.
Nigh the wreck Of the Two Politics.
RoCKAwAY, l.. l., Sept. 16, 1887 {
To the Editors of the .Ne,o York Express:
got one your papers in which you printed
my last letter to "Uncle SAM" and when rcadin
ont, it was fortunate for you that you was 20
miles off, for never did see such 'tarnal work
as you made of some parts of my letter. How
sever, all I've got TO say about it is, if folks who
read my letter IN print, find any thing in 'em that
don't read smooth, and amt correct as to dates
and facts, they may set it down agu the prn-
tiers. 1t was jest so once with young Doctor, a
friend OF mine, in the Colare times. He writ a
long letter once, about how he cured folks by
giving Caomel-he writ, "Calomel in doses very
mel in doses every minute.'' Up went Calomel
among the Pothecarys-and do,Cn went the poor
sick folks. 1t warn't the Doctors fault-for it
was all OWN to the printers and little "e".
Now afore trust you with other matters, I'll
give you the printn of story 've got to tell, -
y
into it as you please, and don't care what you
make ont so long as folks take the mother ,cit and
BARN ont. 1t is story about "Uncle SAM" and
some of his capers among the women folks.
Uncle Sam, you know, always was n socidbte
kind of crttur; and from his first comm into life,
never could git along well without havin his hull
family about him, all on em givin him ga boost
up the RECRUIT Uncle Sam found, as most
folks do, afore they git gray, that unless he took
a wife to take care of his buttons and keep things
slick d up about housc-he would git into trou-
BILE and so forth. Well, after tryin various plans
and scein good deal of trouble one way and
another, he took advice some twenty years ago.
and got married to q smooth quiet quaker lady,
worth twenty eight millions of 'dollars,-and as
Uncle Sam was considerable liberal in his way
he put into the family stock millions of dollars
mot in the "rae grit" howsever, but what he
SAID then was just as good as ''grit,") and so to-
gether they had 35 millions. Well, 35 millions
was no trf1e,a things went on slick and smooth
tor nigh upon twenty years, and every body said,
at home and abroad, there never happier
couple. Uncle Sans wife did all wife could
do, and tho Uncle Sam would once and while
sa0eU mp, and talk big, his wife said nothin, but
kept stitchin up his breeches, when he'd split
'em, and sew on buttons when he twitch'd 'em
off. But by and by Uncle Sam got mixen up
with odd company, and among other things, got
kinR in his head out of Fanny virgins doc
trines, that man of SO much importance, hadn't
ought to stick to one wife, but have rs many as
the great .MoguI.
81 swow," says Uncle Sam, I've good mind
to try it :" and so he talk'd to other folks about
IT. and to rights the gals got the notion too; and
then Uncle Sam got one Amos Kindle to go
round and sound about and see if the gals would
stand the racket,-and he come back, and says
ne, uncle Sam there's no mistake about it; the
gals are ready, and more than you can shake a
SICK at" and sure enough, just then the gals all
having got the notion, set to,-they praised up
Uncle Sam and abused his good old quaker
wife-O shocking there's no teln what they
didn't say; and among other things they said
that Uncle Sans wife was - -* -
Pshew J! you DONE say sol! and - -*l
marcy on us!!! Well, the next thing we see of
Uncle Sam was, he looA'd as fine as a fiddle
ruff1es round both ends of his shirt, and SIGH a
caperln as he cut among his new wives tor
spell, never was seen afore-and SIGH frolics J!
and all his old crones as busy as he was among
'em, till some folks began to wink and whisper
shat Uncle Sam ,cas so liberal he had wives enuf
for himself and friends"
Things went on thus for about three years,
when Uncle Sam began las most folk do who
get too much of good thing) to smell and feel
troubleE; and jest then L got back from foreign
parts, and met Uncle Sam, and if it had not ben
for his beip my own blood relation, and KNOWN
him andfovn him in any shape, as do my own
father and mother, l never would have known
him at all. why, says l, Uncle Sam, is this
you" says l. 81 don't know, Major says he
'but why do you ask-don't look as nat'ral as
ever| says he. And there he stood-holdin his
breaches up with both hands, and his elbows
both torn out and dirty shirt sleeve tpeeping
through, and holes in his stockins, and his Shins
all plastered over. why says ], 'Uncle Sam,
what on arth ails you? Come, says I, give me
your hand my old friend, and let us talk it all
over together 4 am sorry, Major says he, q
can't shake hands with you jest now-my hands
are busy says he. What says 1, 'holdin the
money aye, Uncle Sam-both hands full, as usual
says !. Not exactly, MAJOR says he; and with