Constantine republican. [volume] (Constantine, Mich.) 1836-1838, 1837-04-26
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF STEAM DOCTOR
fConcluded.l


AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A STEAM DOCTOR
tConcluded.l
Mr.. G. sat down amid such thunder of
applause that thought was struck with
lightning. arose with 'all my blushing
honors thick upon me- to acknowledge the
copious illusions of compliment and fatte-
ry which Mr.. Grimes had so literally bes-
towed upon my steam accomplishments
when (heaven preserve me y | heard a
voice in the hall, that sounded like DIR. Du
Johns, exclaiming, bring him out bring
him out the scoundrel has stole my jack
asst Alas | now thought that DR.. Du
John had devised plot to ruin me forever.
In moment he was in the midst of the
company, and pointing the officer to me,
said, there he is, there he is, take the scoun-
drel by the collar and drag him QUIT
loudly attested my innocence Of the crime,
and the injustice of the base accusation, but
in vain. could already perceive from the
change in Mr.. CTS countenance that he was
about to denounce me as thief, vagrant,
and an impostor. Mrs. G.. said that she
did not think that DR.. Du John would make
such an infamous charge against me with
out proper cause. Here was solemnly
accused of stealing! before the company
who moment ago were admiring my wis.
dom and erudtion, and who were enchanted
by the humor, pathos, beauty and grandeur
of my eloquence. How changed now
disgraccd, ruined, fallen fro,.l tie towering
pedestal of my ambition and glory, as a
mark of scorn, dersion and contempt. The
pillars of my aspiring pride and dignity have
fell, and buried my reputation beneath their
ruins. The officer touched my collar, and
vehernently demanded the stolen property.
Sir, did not steal the jackass, | borrowed
it of DR.. Du john said | to the officer.
you are vaulting liar, a scoundrel,' re-
torted Du John. endeavored to suppress
my burning indignation, but could not
tore away from the grasp of the officer,
and rushed toward my implacable accuser
with revengcful fury, but stumbled before
reached him, my hat fell, and out came the
sausage which l had put there while at din
ner.
'Oh the villain, the villainp shouted Mrs.
Grimes, 'he has had the audacty to steal
sausages frow my own table, know them,
for they were prepared especially for me.
The skins were vanished with gum-arabic,
and the meat was chopped finer than usual.
and perfumed with cologne and savory.'
The ignominious valet;' exclaimed
Mr.. G. 'kick him out DOORS Mrs. G..
directed the officer to search my pockets
to ascertain if l had purloined any thing
else from her eating emporium, but they
found nothing but sausages and crackers.
The sausages were detained by Mrs. G.
but as the crackers were of different
stamp from hers they were returned to
my pockets.--l had some halc-chewedbread
in my pockets but they did not find it. Gu,
with him. said Mrs. G. hurry him along,
said Mr.. G. keep him moving said both
of them, and soon found myself mounted
on the same jackass, with an officer
umphal 'pomp and circumstance from the
magnificent abode of Mr.. Grimes. l was
soon unceremoniosly ushered before tina,
stern guardian of public justice, squire
Bolus who informed me that had beer
arrested for larceny, &C., and that the in.
dictment contained three counts, viz
lst.-Surreptitiously usurping DR.. Du
Johns jackass;
2d.-Purloining sausages;
3d.-Attempting TO assault an officer.
Twas convicted and sentenced to be steam
ed 'excruciatingly in my own establishment
for "a hours, by person competent to man
age the process. Alas! had now become
the victim of my own infatuation, and fanat
ical folly. Compelled TO be steamed my
self If had ever thought that to 'sucl
base uses | should come at last ! woul'
long ago have renounced my profession
and committed suicide, or went to Texas
But bore the scourge with indomi.able for
titude, and while the fumes Of burning va
por gathered red around me, and was tor
tured into the EXTREMIST agony, told m,
crucifying attendants that the operation
was not at all painful, that the sensation wa
very delightful, and if they would give M
steam, STEAM, STEAM,I should live forever
Having survived the terrible ordeal, un
scathed and unblanched, sad
Change came DER the spirit of my dream,
which whilome teemed with enhancing vi
sions Of the future, now faded as the heather
poet says
Like tho basoless fabric of some steam
And left cold suds behind.
We arc such stuff as steam is made Of
And our little life doth como and vanish
Like the insubstantial steam that goes up fror