Herald of the times. [volume] (Newport, R.I.) 1830-1846, 1834-04-16
WAsHINGToN, March 1, 1884.

TO THE DOWNINGvII.LE COMMITTEE.
Gentlemen-When you called on me
last week, | was helping isaac ha write
his speech in favor Of removing the des-
potics, in the kitchen, and / give you to
understand that ] don't choose to be pes
'tered with !, 9, 3, 5, 8 committees all at
once. Uncle Joshua could have teach
ed you better manners; for sent him
on the court rules, franked by the Gin
eral. The old gentleman forgot, all the
while, that letters to the postmaster in
Downingville franked themselves. Well,
III tell you what. Since I've been in
the cabinet lve larnt to do things right
off hand-we don't dilly daily here as
they do in some places that can men,
ton.
/ wont be a candidate under Kernel
Crocket-that's flat Hat as pancak
remember, when was boy, of be-
ing in our court house, when the jury
men were called over. There was one
man absent, and so he didn't answer to
his name. Well, says old Thoff Par
sons-he was the Judge-to another ju-
ryman that was drafted from the same
town, what's the matter that he isn't
Gomez Why, says the juryman says he,
his widow told me to tell the court that
there was half dozen reasons why he
couldn't come. His widow says old
ThOf'; what, is the man dead ? Yes,-
may please your honor, he's as dead as
barn door nail, and couldn't get here
to save his life. If that's the case, says
the Judge, you may.save the other rea-
sons. That was jist esackly like old
Thoff Parsons-he used to keep the
court laughing half the time.
Now if this story aint new, its jist as
good as though it was and | suppose
you want to know how l am going to
imply that case to my own. Its trew, l
aint dead and buried, as the saying is,
but Pm dead jist as the great folks say
they amt at home. You can take hint
without a kick.
am very much obleeged to you for
your kind servilities. You have expos
ed my character exactly, ever since I
was boy. You have told what an ex-
cellent schoolmaster was-how didn't
lick you for spelling rong, and getting
bad lessings in grammar and matthew.
matics-how much I've done to mortal
ize the town where l was brung up
how much the nalitious system is debted
to my tictacs-how much my proclama-
tion was liked-how put down stultif.
cation--how wrote Hll's speech, that
tore Webster all to finders--how much
the Presidents temper IS soltened down
under my lntuition---how much the
Globe is improved since | have been ed
itor-and how modest Woodbury. is since
i told him not to take the responsibility
Of putting the Presidents busk on the
Konstitulion frigate.
Now my friends and fellow citizens,
I'm a going to translate a down east
Yankee antdote. Every body has hurd
Of Lord Dexter, and his warming pans,
and his images. Well, the first image
he put up over the porch of his front
door was Gen. Washington that was
when Washington was President; when
Adams come in he had him carved out
and placed on the left hand side. So
they stood together four long years.
Then come Mr.. Jefferson. Now says
Lord Dexter, what shall l dew? If they
make many more Presidents, l shall
break oil to smash, in spite Of my teeth
So out he goes, and gets a log, floating
down the Merrymack, and give the car
yer dollar to cut out the old man,
painted with red plush britches on.
Alter the image was finished, he had
it carried home on a wheelbarrow, and
put right betwixt Washington and Ad-
ans, Standing on his head! | was going
by at the time, and says !, Lord Dexter,
what does that mean? o, says he, Cor,
poral Downing, Il was only Corporal
then, mind ye,) there's neW order Of
things note!
! Jest so it will be If Kernel Crocket,
is chosen President. Every body will
stick him heels uppermost along side ol
the Gineral; /; and ] hope to be discom-
municated from the cabinet if | ever
play second fiddle TO IA man that grns
bark off Of trees, and swallows wildcats
and thunderbolts.
IL you nominate me for President, III
think Of II, as Mr.. Branch saId afore the
Gineral Topped him off, when somebody
wanted to-take his likeness.
II MAJOR JACK DOWNJNC