Martinsburg gazette. [volume] (Martinsburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1833-1855, 1833-11-14
From the New York Constellation.
SAM CROOKSHANK; on, THE MEDICAT-
ED AXE

Sam Crookshank was his mothers
pride, and his fathers grief. Having
no taste either for study or work, he
commenced the character of gentleman.
How well this character set upon him,
the honest people of the neighborhood
in which he resides can best tell; and
they aver in the homely language of
the place, that it fitted him 'slike shirt
on hoe handle."
But the condition of the gentleman,
however desirable it may be in seve-
raj respects, was not entirely free from
mseries and vexations. 1t is expen-
sive without being profitable; and is apt
TO produce envy without gaining re-
spect. At least, such is the case in a
country where the people mostly get
their living by the sweat of their brow,
or by some active business or profes.
SION. But among other troubles which
gentiiity brings, is that very prevailing
disease called the dyspepsia.
Sam Crookshank proved that he had
at least one title to the character he
had assumed: he was wofully troubled
with the dyspepsia. He grew pale.and
van; his cheek bones, which had ever
been a most prominent part of his face,
seemed to project farther than ever;
bis under lip, which was naturally one
Of the rather pendant sort, now hung
more Enthusiastically down, and his CAL
iper legs, which were never the least
noticeable part of his person, began to
bow out ifpossible farther than ever.
"Sam!' said the wondering neigh
bors, "what the torment ais you? You
look for all the world as CHASTITY and
begone as December ghost"
H-I've got the dyspepsery" replied
Sam.
"The dispepsery!" said farmer Whip
pletree, with look ofcontempt-"what
thought that be?''
"What mought that bel" returned
Sam-"why, if you don't know what
the d,spepsery is, you're no gentle
man." ..-
81 hope not, in all conscience" re-
Piled the farmer; "but | should like to
know what sort of thing this is you
call the dyspepsery."
"Why, it's kind Of sort of "a
a complaint"
"Umph! so it appears"
'It's a kind Of sort of a-as it
were-a queer feeling, which | never
felt in ali my life until became q gen.
Ne,aan."
otis right down gentleman's CON-
plant then; but what is it hke?"
Like! why it's like to make mota-
my of me if don't get betterof it soon. "
"You'd make monstrous pretty no.
fanny, wouldn't you! But how does
your gemtility complaint feel?"
"Why, it makes me feel all over
sombercholy, and down in mouth like,
as i'll had lost all my friends. In short,
Mr.. Whippletree, it's a kind OF a sort
of an affection of the stomach and indi-
gestible noggins as 'twere."
"The complaint is in Your moggin,
Eve no doubt" said the farmer, point.
ing to his head-"at least it began there
but can cure your stomach, if thai
is all you want"
"Egad!" exclaimed Sam, "can you
cure ii though? 'Pon my soul, I'd give
any body the promise of $1,000 in
minute that would free me from tins
dreadful dispepsery. It's the only
drawback, as it were, to my gentllity.
"l'll cure you of both your gentility
and your dispepsery too, if you'll take
my advice"
"Couldn't think of it no how at all,
returned Sam, pulling up his false col
lar about his ears; 81 like the life of I
gentleman all out, if could only &c
rid of the plaguy dispepsery."
go to work, you lazy varmentl"
"To work! Oh, no, Mr.. Whipple
tree, l couldn't think of that-couldn'
pom my soul. Any thing else you pro
scribe in reason, I'll take; but as 70
work, I've put my ueto pom that ION
aa>."
N'Then | give you up for one of tn
DEVILS incurables," returned the ial
mer, and left him.
Sam resorted to variety of NEAR
to cure his complaint. He ate largel
of mustard, cayenne pepper, horse r;
dish, and other sharp and powerful col
diments, pushing them to such an e,
tent, that his mouth burned like fl
and his eyes watered again. AT Il
same time he fed enormously on bee
cabbage and turnips, and topped
with an apple dumpling. He also a
ded little whiskey to his meals,