Delaware gazette and American watchman. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1828-1837, 1832-12-14
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| AbouBh tHS HiuoW tttsI nhu uShSNOu -
was true in general, yet in regard TO herself, she
took all her young lover said to be the sincere
truth and no fiattery. What she asserted with her
tongue, therefore, she conradcted with her eyes.
I" You men," she continued, "are all deceivers.
You praise the charms of us poor weak women"
+" But yours madam" said the lover vehemently,
| :" are real solid charms"
| :" What can be more solid" returned the Wild
ow " than this ground you love well, or the for
| " thousand charms you speak of ?-Ah Mr.
lGrumpton, doubt you're after all gay deceiver."
| "Deceiver | declare upon my soul, Mrs. VIM
pie, | love you sincerely. Your attractions are
| ineffable."
| Thus did Ned Grunipton make love 10 the Wild
ow=-no -hv halxes hat like man who is deter
mined to accomplish his object. The Widow was
not proof against such vigorous and we'll directed
efforts. She permitted herself to be led, nothing
10th, 10 the Altar ofHymen. But mark the sequel.
What the old lady affected to believe the object
of her lovers affection, she soon found TO be so in
reality. Her loving husband contryed the first
night after their marriage, to kick her out of bed
He declared indeed, it was all an accident. He
raised her from the oor rubbed her poor old Joints
with spirits of camphor and professed the deepest
regret for having, though nvoluntaIiy, caused her
moments pain, but he was apt, he said, to be
very restless of nights, and could not answer for
his unquiet demeanour, especially in his Dreams
He helped the old lady into bed again. But in
| a short time he was troubled with the same lest
less dreams, which were followed by the same dis
astrous result to the good woman as before. He
helped her up second time, attended TO her bru-
SEES, and all he could by kind professions and ten
der apologies, to sooth and comfort her but he
was unfortunately for both their sakes, of rest
less turn, and was likely TO prove uncomfor-
table sleeping partner, he modestly suggested 10
his aectionate wife, whether it would not be bet
ter on the whole that they should thereafter sleep
| apart.
! After the specimens she had Just had, and was
likely to have, Mrs. Grumpton did not object; and
separate beds were provided. But the husband
began to throw off the mask loo early. His wife
had not yet invested him with the fee-simpfe Of
those I" solid charms" which he SO fondly aimed
at and now that the cloven foot began to appear,
she resolved that he should enjoy them as little as
possible during her life, and have neither part nor
lot in them after her death.
When he fell in love with the solid charms afore-
said, he had calculated that the king of terrors
would shortly rid him of the incumbrance of the
widow and that he should be left to the free
joyment of the wealth hecoveted. But death was
not SO accommodating. Finding his approach too
slow, he would willingly have fastened his tagging
steps and, among other modes Of doing so, he pur.
chased wild young horse, for the old lady to drive
in her gig, that so peradventure, she might be up
set, and get her neck broke! But the old lady re-
fused 10 drive the colt and so the benevolent de-
| sign Of her husband was frustrated.
She was very much troubled with cough, for
which she was in the habit of taking paregoric.-
Her husband thought it was great pity her com.
plant should not be thoroughly cured, instead of
being merely palliated; and he therefore procured
some paregoric to be made of tbe strength Of laud
anum.
:" My DEAR" said he, as he brought it home, g
think you will find it very serviceable 10 your
cough"
"You give yourself too much trouble, my love, :"
said the old lady, "you are quite TOO solictous
about my health. For my part, am veiy well sat-
sfed with the old kind of paregorc."
She refused to touch the improved medicine so
the benevolent intentions of her husband were a.
gain frustrated. In short, Mrs. Grumpton, some
how or other, contrived to upset all the plans of
her dear Spouse for fastening her out of the world;
and declared that she would not die TO please him.
He had taken her for bad oil for worse and of the
latter part, he should at least have his full measure.
She lived 10 be nearly hundred years old ; and
when she died, repaid the sincerity and affection
of her husband by bcqueahng all her property 10
found an hospital for lunatics.
Poor Ned Giumpton-his jaw fell six inches as
the will was read TO him he Indignantly dried bis
widowed tears, tore off his mourning weeds, and
swore that the next time he married an old wanton
for her money, he hoped the devil would fly away
| with him.
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