Phenix gazette. [volume] (Alexandria [D.C.]) 1825-1833, 1831-03-31
THURSDAY. MARCH 81, 1881.


j, the varied dish of newspaper fare; tho ugh we
,nust confess that wit is generality better en-
uloyed than in playing upon names. Ihere are
so few accountable the ladies always eXcepteuj
for name, that they think these fortuitous aP-
pendeces should escape ''unwhiPped OF any
mainland yet, Daturalists contend Tor the I'M
portance Of new nomenclature.
JOHN SMITH.
The frequent occurrence OF the name oi Smi'h
has led IN numerous whimsical mistakes and per-
nI.xit;es. some Of which have furnished the
groundwork of divering little drama, and 9TH
ers have been expanded into humorous stories.-
There are clerks in our Post Office, who, were
thew afflicted with the cOcoehes scri6ends, or did
their avocations permit them to try their hands
al more diIfuse compositions than the brief ana
pithy sentences which they are accustomed 10
endorse upon the backs OF letters, might contri-
butte in no inconsderabie degree, to the enter
tainment of the public. by "a plain unvarnish-
ed tale, of the scenes which sometimes occur
at the Post Office window, in consequence OF the
endless number Of Smiths who appear among
the claimants for letters.
By the last Liverpool packet, double letter,
fnlded and sealed in a way which led to the belief
that money was enclosed, and addressed to Mrs.
John Smith, was received at our Post otfoe.-
II had not long been deposited in its proper box.
before short. fat.amirking little woman made
her appearance at the window, and, in a broad
Irish accent inquired, have you liver letter
for Mrs. Smith:'
Eyes, here IS one for Mrs. Smlth-Mrs.
Catharine Smiths shat your name, good wo-
man?'
mo. that's notlt-my name is Bridget"
All, here is oae. Pray what is your husbands
uame:''
..Out ON the vasaoond, his name is JOHN"
The clerk was about 10 give the letter to the
wuman. but his experience had taught him that
John Smiths were as plenty as b'ackberres: and
he held it back, while he asked a lew NOR ques-
tons " And where did you expect letter
from. Mrs. Smith,"
..Oh. from Cincinnati or New Orleans, or
thereabrats.-The william John Smith. (that
should say so. promised to write me these two
months, and not the bit scrape OF his ugly pen
have 1 seen at all at ALL
..But this letter is from Liverpool, my good
woman, and Of course is not for YOU"
Liverpool did you say Oh the ruffian, has
he then deserted me entirely, and gone buck to
the old country"
- Surprising he has, you would probably ex-
pect to receive money from him"
as it money YOU name? Sure then you have
nut your fut in it. The saddle Is on the 'tother
horse. II would be asking for money, not send
inp me any that Mr.. John Smith would be after.
No, no, sharp's the eye that ever sees the color
of Johns money more nor himself and the man
where he buys his whiskey."
=. fear, if that is the case" said the clerk,
that | shall not be able to give you this letter.
1t appears to contain large sum Of money, and
must be for some other person of your name"
The woman went away grumbling and scold-
ing, and vowing sit was all a Chate,' and
law in la Sha
would have her letter.
In about an hour after, a tall saliow looking
man, whose straight. black hair, keen eye, aud
Indian gait. denoted him one at that portion OF
our countvmeu who style themselves ''ha't horse
half alligator, and little touch of the swapping
turtle" walked up to the place of letterdelivery.
81 say, stranger, | want letter tor John
Smith,"
~There is none addressed to that name," SAID
the clerk; but here is one for Mrs. John Smith,.
"Ah, that's me, or what's the same thing. it's
my woman; so she'll it out here IN little less than
on time"
.Stay moment, my friend where did you
expect a letter FROM"
.sWhar from.' exclaimed the kentuckian in
surprise.
Look here, stranger, l reckon you want to
poke fun at me. Now let me tell you, I'm pref
Nv considerable ola Chaplin ring tail roarer,
all the way from salt rver So none Of your cock
loftica cavoring about me, OIL I'll be into you like
streak Of lightning"
81 merely wished to know where YOU expecta
letter from, to avoid mistakes, as there are so
MANY John Smiths This letter contains money"
"'That's why want it, And SO you're gwa-
ing Ggoing1 to keep the letter tor the sake
of The sinners May be you think arnt worth no
money I'll tell You what, stranger, my, old
mans heavy dog, and thinks no more OF hun
dred dollars State Bank you see not the rail sPe.
eie) than you do Of hundred cents. Why should
heS Ar'nt he director, and what account IS mo-
ney to him."
-. But this letter is from England. Your father
is not on Engishuan, is he =.
"Look here, stranger; YOU mean to insult
me, jist step out here, and III lick you within an
inch Of your life. Englishman: | reckon II you