Phenix gazette. [volume] (Alexandria [D.C.]) 1825-1833, 1829-06-15
From the Boston Gazette.
MY UNCLE'S DIARY
ALL FOOLS DAY.

ApriI l.-Wake al sunrise, the sun just NV
ing his head above the hills, and all the east
like a glowing furnace-called out SIRE: to my
nephew, "a freman) who jumped out OF BED 10
single garment, plump into hroac dish OF
hasty pudding, had placed by HIS pea sr'e
the night previous-eame fiat upon his BACK;
lau Q he'd ready TO kill myself, and received LOT
my pains, stroke in the head from piece o,
the broken dish; bed bespangled with daos Of
pudding, and somewhat stieky-JumPed
thrust my feet into my slip?ers--tlrew them
out with infinite prom2titude, we'll bedauoea
with tar; nephew laughed outright, and sa'd
had caught tarter-when he turned ms oacK
silly changed slippers. thought should have
died to see him put his fine costons INTO chance
~. and escaped down stairs; opened the front
door, and giving little fellow sixpence, asked
him 10 60 TO the miiliner's opposite, for some
mobair curls. for my pet musqui,o-saw the
slv urchip come from the milliner's, aud pro-
coed 10 the pastry cooks. Wrut to the break
fast table and drunk up the cream and filled the
cream Jug with lime>wa,er-iaughed ready to
burst 10 see the housekeeper pour il INTO all the
cups concluded not 10 drink cream myself
this morning, and swallowed down my bowl oi
tea-found il was CAMP, didn't like the toast,
tasted Of civit-.hougb, should have lost my
breakfast. Went down TO the shop, and asked
William, the clerk, if he had heard OF his sweet
hearts sickness-he looked as,onisbed and said
MOI NOR either said |, but he didn't laugh
thought 1t strange. Heated the handle OF the
broken tongs, and handed them 10 the black
smiths boy 10 be Incndcd-laughed 10 see him
drop them on his foot, wondered he didn't
laugh too.
II o'clock, sent Jem, the youngest prentice,
with shilling TO the cooks shop, for Two mut-
ton Gust orts, & clam syllabub; came back with
dead cat, and said it was all they had; asked
for the sxprnce-said he paid it for the cat,
but t.e,ec ed paraleIogram o: gingerbread in
his pocket-slily put some assaf9lida on it
thou eht / should have died to see him in the
back shop trying to ca, it.
O'Clock, lady in the shop, Jem serving her;
took up newspaper and read 'Monslrous bar
oari,y; last evening a COW had her oysters mix
ed with arsenic, and died before she had finish
ed the shells Lady begged the newspaper
to take home with her: thought should have
SPLIT my sides to see her pocket the paper with
on, looking at il.
o'clock, going home TO dinner, little
wicked boy touching my Goa: flaps, squeakIag
out 'lose your handke rchief, SIR loo know
log for him and did not look round-got home
and found my knot ker tied up-lhousht some-
BODY was SICK and hurried masked what was
the matter? nephew laughed in my face; took a
glass OF brandy and water--procceded TO wipe
nv mouth and found my new bandanna had
vanished-recollected the boy in the street, and
vowed vengeance.
Detected the cook with full rat trap, and
suspected rick, pretended had an invitation
out-went down the Itrett To friend Smith $,
and as Iexps cted was invited 10 stay and dine
steak capi,al-had hardly swallowed two
cubs, when a message came that my niece
was taken ill-run hume and found hhe had
taken some bug ointment, placed in MY room
chuc killed. Oh my escape, and gave her an eme'ic
found the dinner all gone, stole 10 my house
kee per's secret closet and demolished mince
pie and brace Of rats; detected in the act and
looked in; forced up the window, and jumped
out, and porting in two fierce cats shu: 1t down
and went 10 the shop; boys old doleiul story
Of the till's being robbed during dinner OF all
the spare cash, sent one of them for cons, able,
who on coming proposed a search, found all
the money in the drawer IS usual; great laugh
at my expense; had to pay the constable one dol
lar.
Five O'Clock, sailed out 10 walk; espied DR..
Equarius The cold water doctor, told him Sores
shins, the rich miser, was very sick; saw him
| ha sirn over TO the door, and receive basin oil
cold water "a favourile prescrip,ion) tull in the
face; laughed ready to die and found my back
sticking TO fresh painted vol; FASTENED home;
observed the house keepers face tattoed with
divers scratches; remembered the cats and
Laughed ill wept; housekeeper looked need
less at me bu said nothing, sa, dowr TO tea, all
ran through cracked saucer on my new un-
speakabIe hnusekeeper laughed; jumped up
suddenly and chair ditto; took the shoemaker
wax from the chair; put it on the tail of house
kee per's favorite poodle; laughed in my sleeve
to see him jump in her lap.
Went to Miss Flirt's co,illion parry and ask
ed several ladies, il they had heard, that cele-
brated belle had eloped with her fathers coAch-
man; soon perceived general excitement;
heard the same question asked in various parts;
pretended TO smell smoke, when half a dozen
gents rushed up to the garnet, secured my IA
vori,e partner and duet Of ice creams; found
the former as warm and the latter as cold as l
could wish. At supper, took out my snuff box,
and busted fat Mr.. Commands oysters; thought
I should have died, to hear him abuse the pep
per box; saw Miss Mohair turn her back; lifted
the ION of her ice cream and nut in some Cav.