The Massachusetts spy, and Worcester County advertiser. [volume] ([Worcester, Mass.]) 1825-1831, 1826-11-15

/ H.
ped three inches. Furthermore. il was
at least six inches shorter than nv old
( coat, and withal so narrow that il could
DOT be but;oned without doing violence
TO my lungs and abdomen. How look
ed In my new coat, know not, unless |
take my wife's word for it, who said |
never looked half so spruce before but,
| felt like aperfect blank.
You have riled Addison's ingenious
dream, which gives an account of the
exchange of calamities made by the hui
man family, in consequence of procla-
nation issned by old Jupiter; and will
hazard the assertion, that no one under
bis new load Of Affections felt half SO
bad as did in my new coat; not even
the gentleman who had exchanged the
calculus for "pair of shoulders that
peeped over his head.'
NJ dear, said |, as began TO unbnt-
ion, (for don't think could have lived
so three minutes longer,) you must ex-
cuse me from going to meeting to-day,
for feel very mach oppressed. But
my wife, pious soul, said must attend
church, and if | could not go buttoned,
go unbutoned. Very good, said |, your
pleasure shall be consulted; but casting
my eyes down upon my shoulders, aud
observing Two unusual protuberances-
| never can go, said |, till you have cut
off the short sleeves of my flannel waist
coat. For heavens sake, exclaimed my
astonished spouse, what have they 10 do
with going TO meeting? Nothing, said
|, but don't you see how they roll Up
round my shoulders, and make me look
as though were ring-boned? You min.
ney, replied she, they are the puffs
made by the tailor, and are all in tho
fashion. One definition of puff, said +,
is fungus, and I'll carry none TO meeting
with me. BY this time got my knife
out 10 rip them off, but my wjGe's looks
plainly declared that it would not do,
and desisted. Twisting my neck round
to see how it fitted behind, the little short
dock that stuck out reminded me of
brakes tail, whereupon caught hold of
the skirts 10 pull them round towards my
hips; but for this piece Of temerity
received such frown from madam as
hope never to see again for it paralyz-
ed my whole system, and was attended
by woman's deruier argument, that it
was all IN the tcskion.
Finding mat must wear my new coat
and go 10 church, or sacrifice my domes-
tic tranquility, after letting out few
old proverbs, about making virtue Of
necessity, submitting TO things beyond
our control, sc. told my wife if she
would carry bottle Of hartshorn, and
wait till could step and borrow Capt.
GuZzle's cane, lwould attend her ihith-
er. Capt Guzzle's cane is very curl
Gus one the top is made hollow the dis
lance Of eighteen inches, and small
tube is inserted from the head of the
cane Toto this cavity, with such nicely,
that it requires strict examination to dis
cover it. have heard the Captain say
that he would never 60 to meeting if he
were deprived Of his cane; and that his
practice is to fill the hollow with brandy
aud water before going 10 church; and
that, during divine service, as bis feel
ings may prompt him, he can lean for
ward and apply his lips TO the head of
his cane, and while his soul is refresh
ed from the pulpit, the lassitude Of his
body is prevented by imbibing the con-
tents Of his cane. can assure you Mr..
Edior, that did moi borrow Capt Guz-
zle's cane, because approved of drink
ing in church or out of church, but 10
order TO be prepared for the worst for
| knew my wife, just before entering
the church, would iosist on buttoping up,
and, in that case, knew could not live
during the service, without something 10
assist the tremblings Of nature, and pre-
vent me from being put out of coun:e-
nance at myself.
Thus equipped, my wife with smell
ing bottle, aud myself with the Captains
cane duly charged, we marched off 10
church. will not attempt to tell you
how felt while passing the streets, only
that several times, when saw my shad-
ow on the fence and buildings, thought
should have died. As anticipated,
Just before we arrived at the meeting
house, my dear, said my wife with most
neffable sweetness, do button your coat.
Her request was Immediately obeyed,
and in We walked. My grotesque alp
pearance drew the attention of the
whole audience in the faces of some,
pity was discovered-.whiIe in other
countenauces could see nothing but rid
icule and even the parson while pray
ing opened his eyes to look at me. But
with the aid of the hartshorn and the
Juice of the cane, made out to live till
the meeting closed and, whatever my
feelings were on going TO church, GER
tainly returned under the influence Of