Virginia Argus. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1796-1816, 1811-04-04
FeR THE ARGUS.
THE PHILANTHROPIsT.
No. I.

THE PHILANTHROPIST.
Mol
"-9ui SIT, fari, quo sang,iine cretus,
Hortantur; qua deinde agitet for tuna !;
scd iKe:-
Hoe sat crit. :"
vIRC. EN. LIB. 8.
They bid him boldly tell his fortune past;
His present state his lineage has name:
TIL occasion ofhs fears, and whence he came {:
Hut he, let this suffice.
Dryden.
IONCE frequented the busy haunts
of men, and partook in the agitatious
of social life. 1t was then that l OBJ.
served the eager, anxious, restless Gu
riosity excited bv the appearance of an
Essayist, who did not chuse TO be in
troduced TO the world under his real
name. "Who can he be :" resounded
from all sides, vibrated on every ear.
All the artillery Of circumstautial evil
dence was then brought to bear and
all the engines OF conjecture set to
work. The Critic, extolling the just
ness Of his coup a'oeil, the infallibilisy Of
his taste, the unerfing accuracy of his
discriminating powers, pointed, with
confident exultation, the finger of dis
covery to the object of universal con-
Germ. The Mathematician, calling in
to his aid the rules of mensuration, to.
gether with an plus raised to the
power n, and divided by x, proved the
critic in the wrong, because the GEM;
us OF the person he indicated, had, in
deed, super6cies enough, but wanted
the necessary depth, and was, besides,
an Irrational quantity, the root of which
could not be ascertained-He, then,
went on to shew, by the las. PROPOSE.
ton of the 5,h book of Euclid's Ele-
ments, that another gentleman, whom
he named, was the author in question,
-9uod erdt demonsrandum, conclud-
ed he, with an air of conscious triumph.
The Lawyer laughed at both the man
OF taste and the man Of figures he
moved for an appeal, insisting upon a
manifest error of Judgment. The An
atomist then rose and mentioned a
grave, solemn, taciturn parsonage, al.
ready stricken in years, and extremely
corpulent, who never chusing to waste
the least molecule of his intellectual
stock in the cheerful, innocent prattle of
ocial relaxation, uttered scarcely any
other words bu, the very significant
monosyllables yes, no, ah! beh! SIC.
and these, particularly the latter, with
the most emphatical energy of tone.
Depend upon it, My Friends, said the
knight of the scalpel, this Mutoni
whom you think so dull and so intol-
cradle, is the mysterious being in ques-
ton, l have measured his understand
ing, mean his facial angle, (which
comes precisely to the same.) Would
you believe it? Eighty nine degrees,
and forty FIVE minutes. i. :. How near to
the full measure of intellectual perfec.
ton, that is, to right angle The
Merchant swore that he could not hear
such stuff with any patience; that
one might as well speak of measuring
mans intellect with yard-stick as
with this celebrated no0meter that, as
TO Mr.. Mutoni, he must really pro-
| duce some Of his cash, for neither he nor
any other man of sense could, or would
give him credit upon such security.
Gentlemen, said then Physician, beg
leave to differ from you all. The Es-
says in question are, I strongly sus-
Pect, the result of most efficacious
dose of ellebore which, by subtle pro-
cess, have happily injected into the
brains Of quondam crazy Poet, now
perfectly rational ;-or, perhaps, they
may be justly ascribed to the pen of q
equity and plethoric Statesman, whose
mental faculties are no longer clouded
by the fumes of TOO rich diet, since
my medical denunciations have terri.
fed him into regimen of vegetable.
and milk.-Believe me, Sirs, one Of
these two persons is most probably this
writer who excites 10 your bosoms this
friendly, this generous solicitude -
The Ladies, too, would frequently de
bate the subject, sometimes in a com.
mittee of the whole female senate, al
other times, in distinct and select cote.
RES.
So these things went on, when, along
with others, 1 was whirled in the vor.
tex OF social engagement.--Now a re.
cluaP anil aI,.oo, on..soI.. I..-l 4