A Journey of Pregnancy Loss: From Positivism to Autoethnography

From Empiricism to Postmodernism I am not ugly. I am even beautiful. The mirror gives back a woman without deformity. The nurses give back my clothes, and an identity. It is usual, they say, for such a thing to happen. It is usual in my life, and the lives of others. I am one in five, something like that. I am not hopeless. I am beautiful as a statistic. Here is my lipstick. (Sylvia Plath, Three Women, 1968) What happens when a researcher sets out to conduct an interesting, quantitative dissertation, but fails to find anything statistically significant in the process? Is this considered a failed project within the research world? Is this a dissertation that can simply be written up to never be discussed again or to languish in a tome of other "failed" dissertations? I was faced with the dilemma of writing up the results of a quantitative, "objective" dissertation which failed to demonstrate that which I strongly believe to be true. Graduate programs in psychology tend to support an objectifying, positivist stance as part of the dissertation process. A successful dissertation equals one that rejects the null hypothesis. Students are encouraged to study a phenomenon from afar, failing to situate themselves in personal relationship to the study and failing to reveal how the study relates to them personally. My initial study examined pregnancy subsequent to miscarriage; an interest that was prompted by a loss I had experienced during the third year of my graduate program. I suffered a miscarriage of a planned pregnancy, only to become pregnant again a few months later. The subsequent pregnancy was laden with anxiety and constant worry that I would experience yet another loss. Through this personal experience I searched for ways to cope with the stress I was feeling. After being introduced to mindfulness meditation, I realized that meditation could be a gentle and effective way to manage this anxiety. I wrote my dissertation proposal as I concurrently sought to reduce my own pregnancy-related anxiety. During this process, I discovered that mind-body practices are frequently referenced in popular literature, but receive little to no mention in pregnancy-related research. Most authors just "accept" the fact that practices such as yoga and meditation have positive influences on anxiety and depression, even those experienced in pregnancy. I also discovered that anxiety and depression are common experiences during pregnancy and can be a factor in whether a woman goes on to have a successful, subsequent pregnancy. If anxiety and depression are common experiences in pregnancy and could potentially keep a woman from having a successful pregnancy, why isn't there more research into methods for pregnant women to manage these symptoms? I initially proposed a quantitative dissertation that explored whether miscarriage status (the experience of miscarriage vs. no prior experience of miscarriage) and the engagement in mind-body practices were associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety in pregnant women in the second and third trimesters. It was anticipated that women with a miscarriage history would report higher levels of anxiety and depression and that women engaging in mind-body practice, past or present, would report lower levels of depression and anxiety. As I was completed my dissertation data collection and began the analysis, a parallel process occurred in my personal life. I discovered that I was unexpectedly pregnant. While such a pregnancy was unplanned, it was certainly wanted and my family and I prepared for the addition of a new member. A series of stressful events culminated in the loss of this pregnancy--a stillborn delivery in the second trimester. A few months later, I discovered that I was pregnant again, only to find out that I was carrying an ectopic pregnancy which would need to be terminated. I once again found myself feeling devastated, overwhelmed and in search of a way to understand what had happened and to heal myself. …