Coaching Myself Beyond Self-doubt The Significance of the Subconscious Mind in the Sociological Imagination

It is a beautiful spring day in April 2002 and the crowd cheers as runners cross the finish line at Boylston Street in Boston for the 120th running of the Boston Marathon. Just now a woman crosses the finish line into the arms of a relative who is holding a dozen roses in celebration of her achievement. Among her cheering section are several special friends, three sisters, and a handful of members from the running club she has trained with for several months. To the outside observer, she is a woman in the prime of her life. She has a successful career, a great husband, two healthy children, many friends, a large extended family, and lives in a desirable middle class, suburban neighborhood. She has just completed her second marathon; she is healthy, smart, successful and accomplished. Yet, things are not always what they seem. Although it appears that I, the marathoner depicted above, have been blessed with a successful life and enjoy many of the benefits our society values, I struggle with a constant companion, or should I say enemy--self-doubt. I am constantly trying to prove myself, achieve more, and be more, in order to finally move beyond this doubt. A life based on confidence and trust in my abilities seems illusive. Writing this research paper has offered me a chance to gain a deeper understanding of this life-long, unresolved issue. My hope, although tempered with realistic expectation, is nothing less than life-changing insight. I will apply various sociological perspectives to understand an issue that I believe has plagued and limited me to a significant degree most of my life. My intention is to gain a better understanding of its primary and contributing causes from both a personal as well as a larger scale macro sociological point of view. The early planning of my approach and strategy in researching this paper has taught me the importance of sociological theory in everyday life. What I mean by this is the way social theory is portrayed as having "everything to do with the world--how we see it, understand it, and explain it, as well as how we act in it and thus what it becomes" (Wallace and Wolf, p. 3). I will try to view myself and my behavior through the sociological perspectives of Phenomenology, Symbolic Interaction, Exchange/Rational Choice Theory, Conflict Theory, Functionalism and Postmodern perspective in order to gain understanding and knowledge about my dilemma. Each perspective consists of a variety of concepts developed by various sociologists within their fields. Concepts are defined by Marcionis as "a mental construct that represents some part of the world in a simplified form" (p. 650). I will apply numerous concepts to my issue in an attempt to gain an in depth understanding of it. As described by Wallace and Wolf, "To read sociological theory is to understand a great deal more about what we and our world are like and how unordinary and ambiguous the most taken-for-granted and everyday aspects of our lives may be" (p. 2). In this essay I want to understand my self-doubt and what I believe to be that which sets it in motion--my inner critic. My goal is to learn more about its voice and why and how it was developed. What are its root causes? What questions do I ask? What assumptions will I make and then attempt to prove or disprove? These questions begin my approach. As far back as I can remember I have struggled with self-doubt regarding my capabilities and self-worth. As a young child I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I always came up short when comparing myself to others. Whether it was within my own family, the classroom, or in social settings, I seemed to be lacking something. I believed that the consistent message communicated to me by almost everyone in my life was that "I wasn't good enough." This belief began early on in my life and was just part of the fabric of my personality that defined my feelings of self-worth or lack of it, while it also dictated my behavior in any given situation. …