Treading Water: Self-Reflections on Generalized Anxiety Disorder

It has taken me twenty two years to face the fact that I am suffering needlessly from a debilitating problem, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I suffered silently in fear that my peers, teachers, family, friends, and my boyfriend would discover my secret. I found it hard to hide my emotions and phobias in front of those I loved. I felt like I was a prisoner of my own emotions and fears. I managed to conceal my inner thoughts until recently, when I decided it was time to own up to what has plagued me for a lifetime. I decided it was time to free myself. The day I admitted I had an anxiety disorder was the first day of a new life for me. I am ready to free the emotions that lay trapped in my mind and have haunted me to this day as an adult. In his essay titled "Why Is P Afraid to Love a Woman" (2002), Peter Dai reflects on a personal dilemma he faced while growing up. He describes how if no one knew he had anxiety they would think he was self-confident and self-assured. I also was able to conceal my fears and anxiety. Peter spoke of the surge of tension that went through his body when he was around girls. Similarly, there would be times when I would black out because situations became so difficult to handle. I just turned off. I would sweat in class dreading that a teacher might call on me and I would not be able to answer. I had a choking feeling when I took a test, and my grades reflected that stress. How can a person effectively take a test when they can not hold a pencil, can not breathe, and can not focus their eyes? It was impossible. All of these symptoms had become normal to me. My anxiety peaked when I arrived at SUNY Oneonta. I felt the pressure of success and began to realize I strive to please others, not myself. I felt the need to fit into some niche on campus. There were sororities and fraternities all around campus. I felt uneasy when I walked around campus. The bar scene was an uncomfortable experience for me as well. I soon became afraid to go out to the bars for the fear something bad would happen. This led to my Agoraphobia which has lasted almost two years. My mother thought that it was awkward that a twenty-year old college student would stay home on Friday and Saturday nights. I was terrified to leave my home or dorm room for the fear that something horrible would happen. I missed out of a lot of great experiences in college because I was afraid to tell anyone that I had anxiety attacks. I did a great job of hiding my anxiety in front of my friends. I always had an excuse for not going out; "I have a lot of work to do" or "I do not feel well" were most common. When I did agree to go out I would get excited thinking that everything was going to be great. But the excitement did not last long. I would become very agitated and soon a choking feeling would surround me. I was unable to swallow and I felt short of breath. The problem continued to the point where I dreaded going out to eat for the fear that I would have an anxiety attack in the middle of my dinner. I have lived two lives. One is the confident Megan Murray who can handle anything that is thrown her way. The second is the Megan Murray who was afraid of the world and broke down at the onset of stress. This has caused a chronic front stage and back stage behavioral dualism in my personality. When I was on the front stage I was a good student, friend, girlfriend, and daughter. I acted confidently and in control at all times, never allowing my true emotions to emerge. Back stage I was angry inside, always thinking of who I could blame for the latest crisis I was facing. I felt that my identity was missing. I was never confident of myself and who I was. Identity is the one thing that makes each of us unique and I was unable to establish that. I connected with the movie we watched in class on Multiple Personalities in that I felt like I was two different people. I was a child at heart who was afraid to be alone and make decisions; and yet, I had another self who could take over when things became difficult. …