Confessions of a Maine-iac: The Family, Academia, and Modernity

We are all familiar with the common media depictions of the family versus friends: Your family is an embarrassment, whereas your friends are the only ones who "truly" understand you. Alternatively, there is the "Full House" mentality, where the family is a place of perfection, and the all-knowing patriarch solves every dispute fully and instantaneously. Neither depictions, obviously, come close to the real ways in which families function. There is also an overwhelming notion that adolescence and early adulthood are a time of struggle for "freedom" and understanding of the self, often combined with the belief that there is a "true" self. Sociologist Lillian B. Rubin captures this conception nicely, stating: Relations inside the family at this time [adolescence] are likely to be fraught with the conflict of the struggle for independence. Separation, autonomy, identity--all are continuing themes, all reaching new levels of intensity through the adolescent years. ... But all of it, the constraint and the freedom, is part of the way the child learns to determine the boundaries of the self, to find the space between conformity and rebellion that feels most comfortable, that permits the growth of individuality within the context of relatedness. (1985, pg. 110-111) This essay seeks to explore the truth behind the "naturalness" of adolescent/ young adult independence from the family, the importance (or over-importance) of individuality, and the links between the modern, American family and professional middle class academia. Clearly, the ideology of the family goes beyond media depictions and becomes a way of life that is supported and restricted by societal institutions. What is it about academia and the "liberal arts" experience that makes it so hard to go "home"? How does this revolve around the professional middle class ideology of what a family is and what functions a family serves, e.g. what is the role of a mother, what is the role of a daughter? What structural barriers are in place that compel students in higher education to experience "family" in a similar manner and seek their own independence apart from the family? JUST AN ORDINARY FAMILY? I come from a very close family. Or so I've been told. The thought never occurred to me until friends and acquaintances in college started labeling my family as such. I talk to my mother a minimum of four times a week. I have close connections with nearly all of my mother's seven siblings and their children. Though we are close emotionally, the same cannot be said geographically (except on holidays): currently my aunts, uncles, and cousins are living in nine different states and two different countries. Eleven of them are flying halfway across the country to see me graduate this May (this number does not include either of my maternal grandparents who are unable to travel, but it does include my "nuclear" family, three aunts, an uncle, and two cousins). When my mother mentioned to me that everyone would be coming to my award ceremonies before graduation, I argued, "No, everyone doesn't have to come to that. It'll be so boring. Seriously, no one more than the immediate family [meaning nuclear] needs to come." Her reply: "They're coming all the way out for your graduation--they are your immediate family." As a near graduate of Macalester College, I am regretful that it has become increasingly difficult for me to be as close to my family as I have been in the past, both geographically and in regards to frequency of contact. Once I graduate, this will become even more difficult. I have known since I was little that, as an adult, I would most likely move out of my home state of Maine. As a child, this was a conscious decision to get out of "the middle of nowhere." As I have gotten older, I have become increasingly aware of a desire to return to Maine. I have realized that my attachment to the state is actually an effect of my desire to remain close (geographically) to my family. …