Celebrating Disorienting Dilemmas: Reflections from the Rear View Mirror

As a twelve year-old child, I prophetically announced that I would adopt a child. In fulfilling my childhood dream, I netted a precious and unexpected gift--that being a precocious, recently-turned, four-year old granddaughter, affectionately nicknamed 'Sunshine'. When I reflect over the totality of my adoptive motherhood experiences, a continuum of kaleidoscopic-like feelings surfaces--joy, disrupted with anguish; clear-headedness obfuscated with doubt; and excitement, tinged with regret. Yet, in spite the kaleidoscopic nature of my feelings, I consider the decision to adopt my daughter among one of several transformative life events in my adult autobiography. Merriam (2005) explains life events as "noteworthy occurrences or benchmarks...that give shape and direction" to an individual's life (p. 4). Life events, she further explains, whether planned or unplanned (i.e., marriages, divorces, promotion, birth or death of a loved one, etc) are developmental moments for adult learning. My life event as an adoptive mother was triggered rather innocuously; I saw an adopt-a-child poster at a local Wendy's restaurant. This poster was part of a national advocacy campaigned promoted by Dave Thomas (1932-2002), philanthropist, creator, and owner of the Wendy's restaurant chain, and who was himself, an adopted child. When I saw the poster, I recalled my childhood declaration and on a whim, decided to follow up with a 'phone call'. Unbeknownst to me, that phone call was my first step in transitioning from a life of a single woman, free to pursue my world's oysters into an unfamiliar terrain of parenting. Schlossenberg (1989) would identify my seeing the poster, and perhaps even the telephone call as "sleeper transitional" events (Merriam, 2005, p. 5). Sleeper transitions are best understood as an unnoticed event that instrumentally contributes to a gradual but steady significant life change. Moving through the initial stages of my transition from a single female to the training of becoming an adoptive was a little intensive. But in retrospect, the twenty week training session was a cake walk in contrast to what I was about to experience. After successfully completing the adoption training program, I was handed a book entitled "My Turn Now." This book contained hundreds of photographs and biographies of children who were awaiting foster and/or adoptive parents. It was within this book of photographs, that I first saw my then 12-year-old adolescent daughter. The emotional pull of my heart and spirit sealed the deal and initiated the beginnings of a series of unending, multiple, and/or simultaneous disorienting dilemmas. A disorienting dilemma is related to a sense of loss of balance or normalcy complicated by a problem that seemingly has an unsatisfactory solution. According to Mezirow (1998), disorienting dilemmas are also connected to events that have been set into motion, causing a learner to engage in self-examination resulting from feelings emanating from an experience. My disorienting dilemmas frequently caused me to critically ask, 'what in the world was I thinking'? But as I reflect over the totality of living through each disorienting dilemma, I have come to realize that it is the 'how' you respond and learn through these moments that determines your power for learning from a life's event. Furthermore, I have come to understand how many of my disorienting dilemmas have helped to shape and inform my philosophical belief and practice as an adult educator. I concur with Merriam (2004) who notes that it is because of these moments, learning can be transformative, ultimately leading one towards mature, autonomous and developed thinking. Today, I characterize my early adoptive mother life event experiences from an interconnected paradigm (Havighurst, 1972; Knowles, 1972; Mezirow, 1989). But in those early days, I described my life event as jumping from the proverbial kettle into the fire. The following two memories (among many) are illustrative of what I struggled with as I worked to understand my new life as an adoptive parent of a twelve-year-old adolescent child. …