4.0: Self-Doubt, the Fear of Failure, and the Power of Symbols

My name is Nicole and I am not perfect. I eat way too much junk food, I never return telephone calls and I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times. I am okay with that; I can deal with the fact that I am carrying around some extra chunk or that my friends think that I am flaky, but what I cannot deal with is failure. Although failure is considered to be unacceptable and of great disappointment in our society, my definition of failure, and even that of success, differs greatly from those who surround me. This, according to Herbert Blumer and his symbolic interactionist perspective, is the result of interpretation, the idea that "human beings act toward things on the basis of the meanings that the things have for them" (Wallace and Wolf, 217). The term "failure" can be seen as being highly ambiguous and each individual possesses a different meaning for the word, which will ultimately have an impact on the way he or she views a situation involving failure. For example, in the article, "Exiting the Self-Destructive Highway: A Sociological Path Back to a Future Career," UMass Boston student Paul Conner states that he "would deliberately do things to derail any progress in his life" (Conner, 137), showing that to him, failure was an inability to get ahead. However, for me, the meaning of failure is much more complex and has become a major issue in my life, one that has become extremely overwhelming, causing immense anxiety and, in turn, is almost unbearable to handle. The movie Twelve Angry Men also provides us with an understanding of how people can view situations differently based on their preconceptions, backgrounds and interpretations. This film tells the story of twelve jurors who make sense of everyday life each from their own standpoint and eventually attempt to put themselves in the shoes of an eighteen year old boy who is accused of committing the murder of his father. It is not until the jurors take the steps of putting themselves in each other's shoes and really understanding one another that the votes begin to change and the jury is able to make a verdict regarding the boy's guilt. I am hoping that by writing this research paper, I will be able to step back and gain a deeper understanding of an issue that has left me constantly trying to prove to myself and others that I can be better, do better and accomplish more. My continuing struggle with the belief that I am completely incapable of success has resulted in an enormous amount of self-doubt that leaves me questioning my abilities each time I have an assignment to complete. For a moment, or even as I write this research paper, I would like to take on a phenomenological approach and set aside the thoughts and ideas that I have constructed regarding failure, and instead question the very things I have taken for granted. Following this perspective, I will "assume the role of a stranger, like a visitor from a foreign country" (Wallace and Wolf, 262). In doing so, I will attempt to disregard the patterns and routines that I have become accustomed to in order to understand why it is that I have such an extreme fear of failure, where it came from and how I can find a resolution. In doing this research, I plan to use concepts associated with various sociological perspectives seeking to explore the relationship between my individual experiences (personal troubles) and the larger society (public issues). The sociologist C. Wright Mills called the ability to recognize such a link between micro and macro social processes, the sociological imagination. I think it would be appropriate to rewind about eight years and re-visit the end of my senior year in high school and into my time spent in community college in order to make sense of my life before my fear of failure erupted. I left high school and entered community college with the purpose of proving that I was different--different than the rest of my family. …