Homophobia: An Autoethnographic Story

This article is an autoethnographic account of one person's struggle with homophobia. It chronicles the experiences and internal battle of the author as she struggles to understand and be accepting of homosexuality. The author identifies and discusses messages received, in early childhood and adulthood, as it relates to homosexuality and gender. These messages encompass religious ideology, as well as family and community beliefs toward gay/lesbian individuals. Key words: Homophobe, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Gender, and Gay/Lesbian ********** I have deemed the following personal account an autoethnography. My hope is to present the reader with a detailed description of my experiences as they relate to homosexuality. I use the authoethnographic style of writing posited by Ellis and Bochner (2000). My intent is to provide the reader with an autobiographical story "that displays multiple layers of consciousness, connecting the personal to the cultural" (p. 739). I intend to incorporate both the societal and cultural aspects of my overall experience of homophobia as I delve into my own cognitive processes and emotions. I hope that by reading my story others will be able to explore their own biases and prejudices, and how those define your character in today's society. "Hi, My Name is Sham and I am a [Recovering] Homophobe ..." I grew up in a tiny rural town in central Mississippi. My neighborhood was primarily composed of extended family, all of whom were descendants of either my paternal grandfather or his half sister. Families in this area were all working class and several, including my immediate family, were barely making ends meet. We attended a nearby Missionary Baptist church. Looking back I would classify my youth as a "liberal upbringing." However, many of the messages I received about homosexuality were in contrast to that idea. Being a Black person from the deep south, it's understood you grow up following either one of two paths. Either you are the "church-going, try to live right" type of person, or you are the person everyone around you looks at and deems a "good-for-nothing thug" type, the kind of person that is never really going to amount to much and is probably living on borrowed time. That is it. There is very little, if any, room in the Black community for someone who does not choose one of the aforementioned paths in life; at least it was that way in my little community. Homosexuality was simply not a part of our worldview. And on the few occasions it did come up, it was made clear fairly quickly that it was not a desirable or acceptable trait. My first memories related to understanding homosexuality center around jokes. My family members and friends often made fun of men who did not exhibit stereotypical masculine characteristics and behaviors. I can recall my cousin (who lived with us) dating a guy, who was very feminine or "sweet", as we called him. His mannerisms were ideally what you would expect from a woman. There were many jokes at his expense, in the absence of my cousin of course. From being exposed to the ridicule of others, I learned (1) that homosexuality or "homosexual behaviors" are not socially acceptable, and from the content of the jokes, (2) that homosexuality is wrong in general. Other than the limited exposure of this type, I never gave much thought to homosexuality as a way of life. Then, in the early 80's, you did not see the freedom of exposing alternative lifestyles as you do today with mass media and other forms of entertainment. It was not until 1993, my third year of college, that homosexuality became more of an issue in my life. I attended a university in southern Mississippi, only an hour and a half from where I grew up. Although this was a much larger town, it would still be considered rural for all intents and purposes. During the early years of my college education, I attended a predominantly Black Missionary Baptist church near the university. …