"I Can See You": An Autoethnography of My Teacher-Student Self

This article is an autoethnographic investigation of my second-nature teacher-student self. What has made me into the teacher I am? What makes me the teacher I am? I draw upon my memories of my own teachers and students to address these questions. As I portray my teaching-learning experiences as textual "snapshots," I find that my dearest memories come from when I have been in dialogue with my teachers and students. This investigation leads me to pedagogy centering attention to teacher-student relationships; a humanizing pedagogy that I discover, embrace, and which redefines and recreates my teacher-learner self. Key Words: Autoethnography, Memories, Textual "Snapshots", Teacher-Student Relationships, Humanizing Pedagogy, and Teacher Identity "I can see you" Maily1 (pronounced "Mylee") was my Portuguese language teacher during my high school years in Goias, Brazil. She was one of several unforgettable educators of various personalities and teaching styles who have influenced my life. From the start Maily was totally focused on her students and on the subject matter. As big as our class was, Maily always conveyed the impression that at any point in time she knew exactly where each of us stood academically-and she did so very elegantly, very smoothly, very effortlessly, it seemed. I respected her. I liked her. Maily called all 70 of us by name, and I knew she saw all and each of us. Two and a half decades later, the memories most clearly imprinted in my mind relate to experiences in the classroom, both with teachers and students I have had over the years. Of all the professional roles I have taken on in the past 20 years (teacher, supervisor, translator, editor, information analyst, and researcher), teaching has accompanied me from the start and brings me the highest pleasure. It is the role I identify with the most, personally and professionally speaking. Another lifelong enjoyable role for me has been that of a student. It has become so recurrent for me to concurrently take and teach classes that I have come to see teaching and learning as two sides of the same coin. The teacher I am is impacted by the student I was-and still am today in a doctoral program in Language and Literacy Education at the University of Georgia. The teacher draws upon the student, whose memories of her own teachers now inform the teacher, in a recurrent, never-ending circle. Because teaching and learning intrinsically define who I am and who I have become, I felt compelled to embark on this autoethnographic journey to investigate my second-nature teacher-learner self. A number of interconnected questions have drawn me to this investigation: What makes me the teacher I am? What are my nonnegotiable beliefs about what makes a "good teacher" and "good teaching"? What has made me into the teacher I am? How are those beliefs informed by memories of people and experiences that have influenced me? And what is the place of memory in teacher research? My goal in writing my story is to add my own nuanced perspective on interpreting the world of teaching and learning by taking a road that leads to one of possible multiple destinations in educational research (Eisner, 2008, p. 22). I tell a story that expands a circle of communication and "advances human understanding" (Eisner, 1997, p. 5). With "epistemological humility" (Barone, 2008, p. 38), I do not suggest absolute answers. Rather, I speak and write in tentative tones so as to involve the audience in historymaking dialogue, or what Barone has called conspiratorial conversations (2001, p. 150; 2008, p. 39). Barone used conspiratorial to suggest a communion of agents engaged in exploratory discussions about possible and desirable worlds. The community or audience I have in mind is "one that longs for fresh language and imagery to describe the indescribable emotional and intellectual experiences in and beyond language-education contexts" (Cahnmann-Taylor, 2008, p. 13). Autoethnography as Method My method in this study provides the fresh language and imagery I seek, not so much to "reduce uncertainty" but to contribute to the "enhancement of meaning" (Barone, 2001, p. …