Altruism or Guilt: Applying My Sociological Imagination to Choosing a Helping Profession

In this autobiographical analysis of internalized guilt and social responsibility, I question why I choose to work in a helping profession. Why did I choose not to pursue a career as a visual artist? How are the two choices interrelated and/or exclusive of one another? I question whether my need to take care of others is in balance with my need to take care of myself. I feel as though my career goals originate more from guilt than a genuine desire to help others. How should compassion and empathy factor in the continuum between altruism and guilt? If so, where on this continuum does my motivation lie? This significant and unresolved issue occupies my thoughts regularly, though with much less intensity than in the past. I am sure my being preoccupied with it is, in part, normal--I am in my mid-twenties, thus feeling the pressure to focus my energy on a career. The decision, however, is marked by excessive anxiety. In fact, until six months ago indecision would more accurately describe my decision to quit painting. My routine procrastination in submitting my portfolio was rooted in the same emotions: low self-esteem, lack of confidence in my ability, and anxiety. Jennifer Kosmas examined these issues in her article "The Roots of Procrastination: A Sociological Inquiry into Why I Wait Until Tomorrow" (2003/4). Kosmas linked her feelings to an authoritarian father. I am able to empathize with her in that area. I can trace the majority of my irrational fears, lack of self worth, and other various unhealthy mental processes to his behavior when I was a child. In this case, however, I cannot recall any negative comment he made directly toward art. This is surprising to me. Art was the only endeavor not viciously regulated. Nonetheless, fear of rejection paralyzed me even after a successful interview with the school I wanted to attend. I felt certain that although the admissions advisor accepted my artwork, a formal submission would prove it inadequate. These feelings may be better understood using concepts borrowed from the symbolic interactionist perspective in sociology. Symbolic interactionism focuses on "the creative way in which people interpret meaning during the course of an interaction" (Wallace & Wolf, 7). Charles Horton Cooley's concept "the looking glass self' is particularly relevant here. The looking glass self is characterized by three elements: "the imagination of our appearance to the other person; the imagination of his judgment of that appearance; and some sort of self-feeling, such as pride or mortification" (Wallace & Wolf, 203). This concept articulates well the anxiety I feel over expressing myself through art. I became, still become, completely mortified at the thought of showing my work; I feel overexposed and vulnerable to the viewer and even to myself. I often have a hard time completing a project because I harshly judge the imagined finished product while it is still in progress. Self Interaction is defined by George Herbert Mead as "the means by which human beings take things into account and organize themselves for action" and "is also the basis for role-taking" (Wallace & Wolf, 208). Such self interactions between "me," the socialized self, and "I," the unorganized and innovative self, often determine whether or not I feel comfortable painting or teaching and why. When these different selves are interacting, a power struggle ensues. The "me" advocates a stable income, a work schedule that could accommodate motherhood, fulfilling my role as a caretaker, and social approval. The "I" advocates a life free from social expectations, norms free from the socially constructed "me." This issue is of concern because "I" am aware that my past indecisions and recent concrete decision to donate all of my art supplies (save a pencil and paper) and focus solely on teaching (which I am passionate about as well) was made by "me," not "I." Berger and Luckmann's phenomenological perspective--the problematizing of interactions and questioning of perceived socially constructed realities--can be used to explain my reasons for choosing a helping profession. …