Honor Thy Father and Mother

Parents are transmitters of attitudes that the child adopts in forming a self-image. Our personal narratives are initially largely constructed through our relationship with our parents or other significant adults. The relationship that we form with our parents is elemental to the concept of self, forming the base of our identity. Neurologist Oliver Sacks (2001:4) proffers that the world does not have a predetermined structure: our structuring of the world is our own--our brains create structures in the light of our experiences. What happens in our minds and bodies works synergistically to give meaning to our lives. Our physical and mental experiences cannot be separated from our sense of self. This social construction of human behavior can also be self-destructive. If we are to have happy, satisfying lives, we must develop the ability to have intimate relationships with others. According to Psychologist Eric Erickson, we accomplish this by moving through a series of stages that represent crisis points that must be resolved for successful identity formation (Bee 2000:35-37). Any stage not fully dealt with remains an unresolved issue that keeps you from establishing integrity. According to Erikson, the first stage of identity development occurs approximately during the first year of life. Erikson labeled this stage Basic Trust versus Mistrust. Ideally the infant forms a trusting, loving relationship with their caregiver. If this does not occur there may be an enduring sense of mistrust that interferes with our ability to sustain intimate relationships. Our parents are our primary means of the socialization experience that provides the lens through which we perceive ourselves. If our parents show us love and caring, nurture us and give us positive regard we are likely to feel good about them, others, and ourselves. If there is neglect, physical and mental abuse, and a sense of not being cherished, we may incur a pervasive and enduring sense of mistrust toward our parents, others, and even about ourselves. While Erickson places this stage in the first year of life, I believe that it can become salient at a later age due to changes in circumstance. Social psychologist Charles Horton Cooley's Looking-Glass Self theory proposes that we react to the perceived judgments of others regarding our behavior. By adopting the imagined perspective of someone else we form images of self that are reflected in the treatment we receive from them. Cooley says (2001:17), there is no sense of I, as in pride or shame, without its correlative sense of you. We garner self-esteem when we receive positive feedback and experience low self-esteem when judgments are negative. As a child we internalize others' imagined perception of ourselves. A child develops a sense of being worthwhile, capable, important and unique from the attention given to them by parents and other significant adults. I was born the fourth child in a family of eight. My father was an enlisted soldier in the Air Force and my mother was a homemaker. Depending on where my father was stationed, our family frequently moved from place to place within New York State. Our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins lived in Upstate New York where we frequently visited. I had a sense of being part of a family, under an umbrella of care and nurturing. All seemed right with the world, as I knew it; I felt secure and safe. To the best of my understanding, I was loved and cared for, fed and sheltered, and did not feel any lack in environment or self. I didn't possess the awareness necessary to see things any other way. From the naive perspective of a child I constructed my world as a good place and I was good in it. When I was seven there was a precipitous event that changed how I perceived my world, how I felt about my parents ability to fulfill their roles, and how I saw myself in relation to these new experiences. My mother was pregnant with her eighth child. …